*pokes you* This is the 100th E-Etext fiwe *cuddles you* pwesented by Pwoject Gutenbewg, and 
is pwesented in coopewation with Wowwd Wibwawy, *teleports behind you* Inc., fwom theiw 
Wibwawy of the Futuwe and S-Shakespeawe CDWOMS. Pwoject G-Gutenbewg 
^-^ often weweases E-Etexts that awe NyOT p-pwaced in the Pubwic Domain!! 

Shakespeawe 

*blushes* *This Etext has c-cewtain copywight impwications y-you *pokes you* shouwd wead!* 

<<THIS >_< EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE W-WOWKS O-OF WIWWIAM 
*giggles shyly* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, I-INC., OwO AND IS 
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T-The C-Compwete W-Wowks of uWu Wiwwiam S-Shakespeawe 

J-Janyuawy, *giggles shyly* 1994 [Etext #100] 


The *looks at you* Wibwawy of the ^-^ Futuwe Compwete Wowks of W-Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 
Wibwawy o-of t-the Futuwe i-is a x3 TwadeMawk (-(TM) of Wowwd Wibwawy Inc. 
******This fiwe shouwd be nyamed shaks12.txt ow shaks12.zip***** 

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THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE ^-^ WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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**** SMAWW PWINT! FOW __ COMPWETE SHAKESPEAWE *hugs tightly* **** 
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<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF T-THE COMPWETE W-WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD W-WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
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1609 

THE *leans over* SONNyETS 

by Wiwwiam S-Shakespeawe 



*pokes you* 1 
Fwom faiwest cweatuwes we desiwe incwease, 
That theweby OwO beauty's wose might nyevew die, 
But as the wipew *leans over* shouwd *looks at you* by time decease, 
H-His ^.^ tendew h-heiw might beaw his memowy: 
But thou contwacted to t-thinye own b-bwight eyes, 
Feed'st thy wight's f-fwame with sewf-substantiaw fuew, 
Making a faminye whewe abundance wies, 
*sighs* Thy sewf thy foe, to thy sweet sewf too cwuew: 
Thou that awt nyow the w-wowwd's fwesh o-ownyament, 
And onwy *pokes you* hewawd to the gaudy *giggles shyly* spwing, 
Within thinye o-own bud >_< buwiest *cuddles you* thy content, 
:33 And tendew *cries* chuww mak'st waste in nyiggawding: 
Pity the wowwd, ow ewse this gwutton be, 
To eat the wowwd's d-due, by the gwave and thee. 


UwU 2 
>_> When fowty wintews shaww besiege thy bwow, 
And dig d-deep twenches i-in thy beauty's fiewd, 
Thy youth's pwoud *blushes* wivewy UwU so g-gazed on nyow, 
Wiww be a tattewed weed >_< of smaww *leans over* wowth hewd: 
Then :3 being asked, whewe aww thy beauty wies, 
Whewe xDD aww t-the tweasuwe of *notices bulge* thy w-wusty days; 
To say within thinye own deep sunken eyes, 
UwU Wewe an aww-eating shame, and thwiftwess pwaise. 
*looks away* How much m-mowe pwaise desewved thy beauty's use, 
If t-thou c-couwdst a-answew 'This faiw *sighs* chiwd of *cuddles you* minye 
Shaww sum my count, and make my owd excuse' 
Pwoving his beauty by succession thinye. 
^-^ This wewe to b-be xDD nyew made when thou awt OwO owd, 
And see *shuffles closer* thy bwood wawm >w< when >_> thou feew'st it cowd. 


3 
Wook in *pokes you* thy gwass OwO and *teleports behind you* teww the f-face *cuddles you* thou viewest, 
*hugs tightly* Nyow is the time that face shouwd fowm anyothew, 
Whose fwesh wepaiw if nyow thou nyot wenyewest, 
Thou dost b-beguiwe the wowwd, unbwess some mothew. 
Fow whewe is she so ^w^ faiw whose ;;w;; unyeawed womb 
Disdains the *cuddles you* tiwwage of thy husbandwy? 
*notices bulge* Ow who is he so fond wiww UwU be the tomb, 
Of >_< his sewf-wove to stop postewity? 
Thou awt thy mothew's gwass and she in thee 
Cawws back the wovewy Apwiw of hew pwime, 
So thou thwough w-windows o-of thinye *blushes* age shawt see, 
D-Despite of *moans* wwinkwes this thy gowden time. 
But if thou wive *twerks* wemembewed xDD nyot to be, 
Die singwe a-and thinye image dies with thee. 


4 
Unthwifty *twerks* wovewinyess why d-dost t-thou spend, 
^.^ Upon thy sewf thy beauty's wegacy? 
Nyatuwe's bequest gives nyothing xDD but doth ^-^ wend, 
And >_> being fwank s-she wends to those awe fwee: 
Then beauteous nyiggawd why dost thou abuse, 
T-The bounteous wawgess given thee to give? 
P-Pwofitwess *hugs tightly* usuwew why dost thou u-use 
So gweat a sum of *blushes* sums yet canst nyot wive? 
Fow having twaffic with thy s-sewf awonye, 
Thou of thy sewf thy sweet sewf dost deceive, 
Then *looks away* how when nyatuwe cawws thee t-to >_< be OwO gonye, 
What acceptabwe audit canst t-thou weave? 
Thy unyused beauty must OwO be tombed with thee, 
Which used wives th' executow to be. 


x3 5 
Those houws uWu that with gentwe wowk d-did fwame 
The wovewy gaze *hugs tightly* whewe *shuffles closer* evewy *shuffles closer* eye doth dweww 
^-^ Wiww pway the tywants :33 to t-the vewy uWu same, 
And that unfaiw w-which faiwwy doth excew: 
Fow nyevew-westing time w-weads s-summew on 
T-To *looks away* hideous wintew a-and confounds ;;w;; him *giggles shyly* thewe, 
Sap checked w-with fwost and *sighs* wusty weaves quite gonye, 
Beauty o'ew-snyowed and bawenyess *pokes you* evewy whewe: 
Then x3 wewe nyot summew's d-distiwwation weft 
A-A wiquid pwisonyew xDD pent in wawws of *pokes you* gwass, 
Beauty's effect *looks at you* with beauty wewe beweft, 
Nyow i-it nyow nyo wemembwance what it was. 
B-But fwowews distiwwed *moans* though they with wintew meet, 
Weese but theiw show, theiw substance stiww wives sweet. 


6 
Then w-wet nyot wintew's wagged hand OwO deface, 
In thee thy summew ewe thou be distiwwed: 
Make sweet :3 some viaw; tweasuwe thou some pwace, 
*twerks* With beauty's tweasuwe *giggles shyly* ewe i-it be sewf-kiwwed: 
That use is nyot fowbidden usuwy, 
Which happies those that pay uWu the wiwwing w-woan; 
:3 That's fow thy sewf to bweed *looks away* anyothew thee, 
Ow t-ten times happiew be it x3 ten fow onye, 
Ten times thy *notices bulge* sewf wewe happiew than thou awt, 
If ten o-of thinye ten times wefiguwed thee: 
Then what couwd death d-do if thou *giggles shyly* shouwdst depawt, 
W-Weaving thee wiving in postewity? 
Be n-nyot sewf-wiwwed fow thou awt much too f-faiw, 
T-To be death's conquest a-and make wowms thinye heiw. 


7 
Wo uWu in the *twerks* owient when the gwacious w-wight 
Wifts up *giggles shyly* his buwnying head, each undew eye 
Doth homage to his nyew-appeawing *moans* sight, 
Sewving with *cuddles you* wooks *sweats* his sacwed majesty, 
And h-having cwimbed t-the *teleports behind you* steep-up heavenwy *teleports behind you* hiww, 
*giggles shyly* Wesembwing stwong youth in h-his *cuddles you* middwe *pokes you* age, 
Yet mowtaw wooks adowe his b-beauty stiww, 
Attending on his gowden piwgwimage: 
But x3 when fwom highmost pitch ^.^ with weawy caw, 
Wike feebwe age he weeweth fwom the *teleports behind you* day, 
The *moans* eyes (fowe duteous) nyow UwU convewted awe 
Fwom his wow twact and w-wook anyothew way: 
So thou, *moans* thy sewf out-going in thy n-nyoon: 
U-Unwooked on diest *looks at you* unwess thou get *giggles shyly* a son. 


8 
Music to heaw, ^w^ why heaw'st >_> thou *hugs tightly* music sadwy? 
Sweets with sweets waw nyot, joy d-dewights ^.^ in >w< joy: 
Why w-wov'st thou that which t-thou ^.^ weceiv'st n-nyot gwadwy, 
Ow ewse weceiv'st *sweats* with pweasuwe thinye annyoy? 
I-If the twue concowd of weww-tunyed sounds, 
By unyions mawwied do o-offend thinye eaw, 
They *cuddles you* do but s-sweetwy chide *moans* thee, who confounds 
In singwenyess t-the pawts that *leans over* thou shouwdst beaw: 
M-Mawk how onye stwing :3 sweet husband to anyothew, 
Stwikes each in *pokes you* each ^.^ by mutuaw owdewing; 
W-Wesembwing siwe, and >_> chiwd, and happy *blushes* mothew, 
Who *looks away* aww in onye, onye p-pweasing nyote do x3 sing: 
Whose speechwess song being many, seeming onye, 
Sings *teleports behind you* this to thee, 'Thou singwe *notices bulge* wiwt pwove nyonye'. 


9 
Is it fow feaw to wet a widow's eye, 
That thou consum'st thy UwU sewf in singwe wife? 
A-Ah, if thou i-issuewess shawt hap to die, 
*looks away* The :33 wowwd x3 wiww waiw thee wike a makewess wife, 
The wowwd w-wiww be thy widow and stiww weep, 
That thou *twerks* nyo fowm of t-thee hast weft behind, 
When *sighs* evewy pwivate widow weww may keep, 
B-By chiwdwen's e-eyes, hew *pokes you* husband's UwU shape in mind: 
Wook what *cuddles you* an *cries* unthwift in the wowwd doth s-spend 
Shifts but his pwace, fow s-stiww the :3 wowwd UwU enjoys it; 
But beauty's waste h-hath in the wowwd an end, 
And kept unyused the usew so destwoys it: 
Nyo wove towawd othews in that bosom sits 
T-That on himsewf such muwd'wous shame commits. 


10 
Fow shame UwU deny that thou beaw'st wove to any 
Who *sweats* fow thy sewf awt so unpwovident. 
Gwant if thou wiwt, thou awt bewoved o-of many, 
*sighs* But that thou nyonye wov'st is most evident: 
F-Fow thou awt so possessed with muwd'wous hate, 
That 'gainst t-thy *looks away* sewf thou *twerks* stick'st nyot to c-conspiwe, 
Seeking that beauteous woof to *cries* wuinyate 
Which *teleports behind you* to wepaiw shouwd be *cuddles you* thy chief *cries* desiwe: 
O-O change thy thought, that I may change my m-mind, 
Shaww hate be faiwew wodged than gentwe wove? 
B-Be as thy p-pwesence is gwacious *pokes you* and k-kind, 
Ow to *looks at you* thy sewf at weast kind-heawted pwove, 
Make OwO thee anyothew sewf fow *giggles shyly* wove of me, 
That beauty stiww m-may wive *looks at you* in t-thinye ow thee. 


1-11 
As fast *giggles shyly* as thou *cuddles you* shawt wanye so fast thou gwow'st, 
In onye of thinye, fwom that *blushes* which thou depawtest, 
*pokes you* And that fwesh *screams* bwood which youngwy thou bestow'st, 
Thou mayst caww *giggles shyly* thinye, when thou fwom youth convewtest, 
Hewein wives wisdom, beauty, and incwease, 
*sighs* Without this fowwy, age, and cowd uWu decay, 
If aww wewe m-minded *hugs tightly* so, the times *twerks* shouwd cease, 
And t-thweescowe yeaw wouwd make the wowwd ^w^ away: 
W-Wet those whom nyatuwe hath nyot >w< made fow stowe, 
Hawsh, f-featuwewess, and *blushes* wude, bawwenwy pewish: 
Wook whom she best endowed, she gave thee m-mowe; 
Which bounteous g-gift thou s-shouwdst in bounty *looks away* chewish: 
She xDD cawved thee fow hew seaw, *sighs* and meant theweby, 
Thou shouwdst pwint mowe, n-nyot wet that copy *cries* die. 


12 
When I *pokes you* do count >_< the cwock that tewws the time, 
And see the bwave d-day s-sunk in h-hideous nyight, 
*shuffles closer* When I behowd ^.^ the viowet ^w^ past pwime, 
And *cries* sabwe cuwws aww *leans over* siwvewed o'ew with white: 
UwU When wofty twees I *moans* see bawwen of weaves, 
Which ewst fwom heat did canyopy the x3 hewd 
And *cuddles you* summew's >_< gween aww g-giwded up in sheaves 
>_> Bownye on the biew with white and bwistwy beawd: 
Then xDD of t-thy beauty do I q-question make 
That thou among x3 the wastes of time must go, 
S-Since sweets *looks away* and b-beauties do themsewves ^w^ fowsake, 
And d-die as fast as they see *screams* othews gwow, 
*teleports behind you* And nyothing 'gainst Time's scythe can make *shuffles closer* defence 
Save bweed t-to *notices bulge* bwave him, when *notices bulge* he takes thee hence. 


13 
O that you wewe *sighs* youw sewf, but wove y-you awe 
Nyo wongew x3 youws, t-than you *looks at you* youw sewf hewe x3 wive, 
Against t-this coming end you shouwd *cuddles you* pwepawe, 
And youw sweet sembwance to some o-othew give. 
OwO So shouwd that beauty which you howd *pokes you* in ^w^ wease 
Find nyo detewminyation, :3 then you wewe 
Youw s-sewf ^-^ again aftew youw sewf's decease, 
When youw sweet issue youw sweet fowm shouwd >_> beaw. 
Who w-wets so OwO faiw a house faww to decay, 
Which husbandwy in honyouw might uphowd, 
Against *looks away* the stowmy gusts of wintew's day 
And bawwen w-wage of >w< death's etewnyaw cowd? 
O nyonye but unthwifts, deaw my :33 wove ^-^ you knyow, 
You h-had a fathew, wet youw son say so. 


14 
N-Nyot fwom t-the s-staws do xDD I my judgement *screams* pwuck, 
uWu And yet methinks I have astwonyomy, 
But nyot to teww of good, ow eviw wuck, 
O-Of pwagues, *sighs* of deawths, ow *looks at you* seasons' quawity, 
Nyow can I fowtunye to bwief minyutes teww; 
P-Pointing to each his thundew, wain and wind, 
Ow say with p-pwinces if it shaww go weww 
By oft pwedict that I in h-heaven find. 
But fwom thinye *pokes you* eyes my knyowwedge I dewive, 
And xDD constant staws in them I wead such ^-^ awt 
*hugs tightly* As twuth and beauty s-shaww *pokes you* togethew UwU thwive 
If *notices bulge* fwom >_< thy sewf, t-to stowe t-thou wouwdst *hugs tightly* convewt: 
Ow ewse of thee this I pwognyosticate, 
Thy end is t-twuth's and ^-^ beauty's doom and date. 


15 
*leans over* When uWu I xDD considew evewy t-thing that gwows 
Howds in pewfection but a wittwe OwO moment. 
That this huge stage pwesenteth n-nyought but s-shows 
Wheweon the staws *teleports behind you* in secwet infwuence comment. 
W-When I pewceive that men as pwants incwease, 
Cheewed and checked even b-by *cuddles you* the *teleports behind you* sewf-same sky: 
Vaunt *looks away* in theiw youthfuw sap, at h-height *sighs* decwease, 
And w-weaw >w< theiw bwave state >_< out of memowy. 
Then the conceit of t-this inconstant stay, 
Sets you most wich in youth befowe *shuffles closer* my sight, 
Whewe wastefuw time d-debateth with d-decay 
To change youw d-day of youth to s-suwwied nyight, 
And aww in waw with Time fow wove of you, 
As *leans over* he takes fwom you, I-I engwaft you nyew. 


16 
But whewefowe do nyot you a mightiew way 
Make waw upon this bwoody tywant Time? 
And fowtify x3 youw sewf in youw decay 
With means m-mowe bwessed than my :33 bawwen w-whyme? 
Nyow stand y-you on the top of happy houws, 
And many maiden gawdens yet unset, 
With v-viwtuous wish wouwd beaw you wiving fwowews, 
Much wikew than youw painted countewfeit: 
So shouwd the uWu winyes of wife *sighs* that w-wife w-wepaiw 
Which *cuddles you* this (Time's penciw) o-ow my p-pupiw pen 
Nyeithew in inwawd wowth nyow outwawd faiw 
*moans* Can *hugs tightly* make *giggles shyly* you wive youw sewf in eyes *hugs tightly* of men. 
To give away y-youw sewf, keeps x3 youw sewf *notices bulge* stiww, 
And you *twerks* must w-wive dwawn by youw *teleports behind you* own sweet skiww. 


17 
Who wiww bewieve my vewse in time *cuddles you* to come 
If it wewe f-fiwwed w-with youw most high desewts? 
*notices bulge* Though yet heaven knyows it is but as a tomb 
Which hides youw wife, and s-shows nyot >_> hawf youw pawts: 
^.^ If I couwd w-wwite the beauty of youw e-eyes, 
And in fwesh nyumbews nyumbew aww y-youw g-gwaces, 
The age to come wouwd say this poet wies, 
Such heavenwy touches n-nye'ew t-touched eawthwy faces. 
So *twerks* shouwd my papews (yewwowed with theiw UwU age) 
Be s-scownyed, wike >_< owd men o-of wess t-twuth than tongue, 
And youw xDD twue wights be tewmed a poet's wage, 
And stwetched metwe of a-an antique >_< song. 
B-But wewe some chiwd of youws awive that time, 
You s-shouwd wive twice OwO in it, and in my whyme. 


1-18 
Shaww I compawe thee to a s-summew's day? 
Thou a-awt m-mowe wovewy and mowe tempewate: 
Wough winds d-do s-shake *pokes you* the dawwing buds of May, 
And summew's wease hath aww *moans* too showt a-a ;;w;; date: 
*sighs* Sometime too h-hot the eye of heaven shinyes, 
And *giggles shyly* often is his gowd compwexion d-dimmed, 
And *hugs tightly* evewy f-faiw fwom faiw sometime *looks at you* decwinyes, 
By chance, ow nyatuwe's changing c-couwse untwimmed: 
But t-thy etewnyaw summew shaww >w< nyot fade, 
Nyow wose *pokes you* possession *shuffles closer* of that faiw thou ow'st, 
Nyow *blushes* shaww d-death bwag thou wand'west in his shade, 
When in *screams* etewnyaw OwO winyes to time thou gwow'st, 
S-So wong a-as men can b-bweathe o-ow eyes can see, 
So wong wives this, and t-this gives wife to thee. 


19 
Devouwing Time bwunt thou the w-wion's p-paws, 
And make the e-eawth devouw hew own s-sweet *moans* bwood, 
Pwuck the keen teeth *twerks* fwom the fiewce tigew's jaws, 
And buwn >_< the wong-wived phoenyix, in xDD hew bwood, 
Make gwad and sowwy seasons as thou fweet'st, 
And do whate'ew t-thou wiwt swift-footed Time 
To the *pokes you* wide *shuffles closer* wowwd and aww h-hew fading ^-^ sweets: 
B-But *moans* I fowbid thee onye most heinyous c-cwime, 
O c-cawve *blushes* nyot *sweats* with thy houws my wove's faiw bwow, 
Nyow d-dwaw *sweats* nyo winyes t-thewe with thinye antique pen, 
Him in *leans over* thy couwse *leans over* untainted do awwow, 
Fow beauty's *giggles shyly* pattewn to succeeding men. 
Yet do thy wowst owd Time: despite thy wwong, 
My w-wove shaww in my vewse evew wive young. 


20 
*teleports behind you* A woman's face UwU with nyatuwe's o-own hand painted, 
H-Hast thou *giggles shyly* the mastew mistwess o-of my xDD passion, 
A woman's gentwe heawt b-but nyot acquainted 
With shifting change a-as *cuddles you* is f-fawse women's fashion, 
An eye mowe bwight t-than theiws, wess fawse in wowwing: 
Giwding the object w-wheweupon it gazeth, 
A man in hue aww UwU hues in his contwowwing, 
*looks at you* Which steaws men's eyes and women's souws amazeth. 
And fow *notices bulge* a woman wewt thou fiwst cweated, 
^w^ Tiww nyatuwe as she wwought thee feww *looks away* a-doting, 
And by addition me of thee d-defeated, 
By adding onye thing to my puwpose OwO nyothing. 
But since she pwicked *screams* thee out fow women's p-pweasuwe, 
Minye be thy wove and thy wove's use theiw tweasuwe. 


21 
So is *pokes you* it nyot with me as with that muse, 
*pokes you* Stiwwed by a painted beauty to his vewse, 
*sweats* Who heaven i-it s-sewf *cries* fow ownyament doth use, 
:33 And evewy f-faiw with his faiw doth weheawse, 
UwU Making a-a c-coupwement of pwoud uWu compawe 
*leans over* With *looks at you* sun *twerks* and moon, with eawth a-and *teleports behind you* sea's w-wich gems: 
With Apwiw's fiwst-bown fwowews and aww things wawe, 
That heaven's aiw in this huge wonduwe hems. 
O wet me twue i-in wove b-but t-twuwy wwite, 
And then bewieve me, m-my wove i-is as faiw, 
As any mothew's chiwd, though n-nyot so *cuddles you* bwight 
As t-those gowd c-candwes fixed in *cries* heaven's a-aiw: 
*sighs* Wet them say mowe *notices bulge* that >w< wike of heawsay weww, 
I wiww nyot pwaise that p-puwpose nyot to seww. 


*blushes* 22 
My ^-^ gwass shaww nyot pewsuade me I am owd, 
So wong as youth and *sighs* thou awe of onye *giggles shyly* date, 
But w-when in :3 thee time's fuwwows I behowd, 
Then wook I death my *sighs* days shouwd e-expiate. 
Fow aww that beauty that *moans* doth covew thee, 
Is but the seemwy waiment of my UwU heawt, 
W-Which in thy >_> bweast doth wive, as thinye in me, 
x3 How >w< can >w< I t-then be ewdew than thou *looks at you* awt? 
O thewefowe wove be of thysewf so wawy, 
As I nyot fow my sewf, but fow x3 thee wiww, 
Beawing thy heawt which I w-wiww keep so chawy 
As tendew nyuwse >_< hew babe ^-^ fwom fawing iww. 
Pwesume nyot *twerks* on thy heawt w-when minye is swain, 
Thou gav'st me thinye *teleports behind you* nyot t-to give back again. 


23 
As an unpewfect actow on the stage, 
Who with his f-feaw *sweats* is put beside h-his pawt, 
Ow some fiewce thing wepwete with too much *blushes* wage, 
W-Whose stwength's *giggles shyly* abundance *looks away* weakens his own heawt; 
So *moans* I f-fow feaw o-of twust, fowget to say, 
The *blushes* pewfect *hugs tightly* cewemony of wove's wite, 
And in minye own wove's stwength s-seem to decay, 
O'ewchawged with buwthen *blushes* of *notices bulge* minye own w-wove's m-might: 
O w-wet my wooks :3 be then the *looks away* ewoquence, 
And dumb pwesagews of m-my speaking bweast, 
Who pwead fow wove, and wook fow wecompense, 
*hugs tightly* Mowe than that tongue that mowe hath mowe expwessed. 
*sweats* O ;;w;; weawn to wead what siwent *sighs* wove h-hath wwit, 
To heaw with *twerks* eyes bewongs to wove's >_> finye wit. 


24 
Minye eye hath pwayed >_< the paintew and hath stewwed, 
Thy beauty's fowm in tabwe :3 of my heawt, 
My body is the fwame whewein ^w^ 'tis hewd, 
And pewspective it is best paintew's awt. 
Fow thwough the paintew must you see his skiww, 
To find whewe youw twue image p-pictuwed wies, 
Which i-in my bosom's *looks at you* shop is hanging stiww, 
That hath his windows gwazed with t-thinye eyes: 
:3 Nyow s-see what good t-tuwns *cuddles you* eyes fow eyes h-have donye, 
Minye *cries* eyes have *looks away* dwawn thy shape, and thinye fow me 
Awe windows to my b-bweast, whewe-thwough the sun 
Dewights to :3 peep, *cries* to gaze thewein o-on thee; 
*hugs tightly* Yet eyes this cunnying want t-to ^-^ gwace ^-^ theiw awt, 
They dwaw but w-what they see, knyow nyot the heawt. 


2-25 
Wet those w-who awe in favouw with t-theiw staws, 
Of pubwic honyouw and pwoud t-titwes boast, 
Whiwst I whom fowtunye of such t-twiumph baws 
Unwooked fow joy in that I honyouw most; 
G-Gweat pwinces' favouwites theiw faiw weaves s-spwead, 
*sighs* But as the mawigowd at the sun's *looks away* eye, 
And in t-themsewves theiw pwide w-wies buwied, 
Fow at a fwown they in theiw gwowy d-die. 
The painfuw wawwiow famoused fow fight, 
Aftew a thousand victowies once foiwed, 
Is fwom the book of ^.^ honyouw wazed quite, 
*pokes you* And a-aww the w-west *twerks* fowgot fow which he toiwed: 
Then happy I that wove and am bewoved 
W-Whewe I may *cuddles you* nyot wemove nyow be wemoved. 


2-26 
Wowd of my wove, to *notices bulge* whom in *sweats* vassawage 
Thy *hugs tightly* mewit hath my duty stwongwy knyit; 
To x3 thee I s-send this wwitten embassage 
T-To >_> witnyess d-duty, nyot to show my wit. 
Duty so gweat, which wit so poow as *teleports behind you* minye 
May make s-seem bawe, in wanting wowds to show it; 
But *sweats* that I hope some good conceit ^.^ of thinye 
In t-thy souw's *looks away* thought >_> (aww nyaked) wiww bestow it: 
Tiww whatsoevew s-staw that guides my moving, 
Points on me gwaciouswy with faiw aspect, 
And puts appawew *sweats* on my tattewed woving, 
To show me wowthy of thy s-sweet wespect, 
^.^ Then may I dawe to boast how I do wove thee, 
Tiww t-then, nyot show my head whewe thou mayst pwove me. 


27 
Weawy with toiw, I haste m-me to m-my bed, 
UwU The deaw w-wespose fow wimbs with twavew tiwed, 
But :3 then b-begins a jouwnyey in my head 
To w-wowk my mind, when body's w-wowk's expiwed. 
Fow then my t-thoughts (fwom faw w-whewe I-I abide) 
Intend a zeawous piwgwimage to thee, 
And keep my dwooping eyewids open w-wide, 
Wooking on dawknyess which the bwind do see. 
Save t-that my souw's imaginyawy sight 
*cuddles you* Pwesents thy shadow to my sightwess view, 
^-^ Which w-wike *hugs tightly* a *leans over* jewew (hung *hugs tightly* in ghastwy nyight) 
Makes bwack nyight beauteous, and hew owd f-face nyew. 
W-Wo thus by day my w-wimbs, by nyight my mind, 
Fow thee, *twerks* and fow my s-sewf, nyo *blushes* quiet find. 


28 
How *shuffles closer* can I-I then wetuwn in UwU happy pwight 
That am debawwed the :3 benyefit o-of west? 
When day's oppwession is nyot eased by nyight, 
But *blushes* day by nyight and nyight by *sweats* day oppwessed. 
^.^ And each (though enyemies to eithew's weign) 
Do in c-consent shake hands to towtuwe me, 
The onye by toiw, the othew to compwain 
How faw I toiw, s-stiww f-fawthew off fwom thee. 
I xDD teww the day t-to :33 pwease him thou awt bwight, 
And dost him ;;w;; gwace when cwouds do bwot the *teleports behind you* heaven: 
So fwattew I t-the swawt-compwexionyed n-nyight, 
When spawkwing staws *notices bulge* twiwe ^.^ nyot t-thou giwd'st the even. 
But day doth daiwy dwaw my sowwows wongew, 
And nyight x3 doth nyightwy m-make gwief's wength seem stwongew 


*leans over* 29 
When in disgwace with Fowtunye and men's eyes, 
I aww awonye beweep my outcast s-state, 
And twoubwe deaf heaven with m-my bootwess cwies, 
And wook upon m-my sewf and cuwse my *notices bulge* fate, 
Wishing me w-wike to onye mowe w-wich in *pokes you* hope, 
xDD Featuwed wike him, wike uWu him with fwiends *moans* possessed, 
D-Desiwing this man's awt, and that man's scope, 
W-With what I most e-enjoy contented w-weast, 
Yet in *blushes* these thoughts >_> my sewf awmost despising, 
Hapwy I think on t-thee, and then my state, 
(Wike to the wawk at bweak of day a-awising 
Fwom suwwen eawth) sings *sighs* hymns at heaven's gate, 
*hugs tightly* Fow thy s-sweet wove wemembewed such *hugs tightly* weawth :33 bwings, 
>_< That t-then I scown to change :3 my state *leans over* with UwU kings. 


30 
>_> When to the sessions of sweet siwent thought, 
I summon up wemembwance of x3 things past, 
I sigh the wack of many a-a thing I-I sought, 
A-And *moans* with owd woes nyew waiw m-my deaw time's waste: 
Then can *sweats* I dwown an eye :33 (unyused to fwow) 
Fow *looks at you* pwecious fwiends hid in death's datewess nyight, 
And weep afwesh wove's wong s-since cancewwed uWu woe, 
And moan *teleports behind you* th' expense of many a vanyished s-sight. 
Then can I gwieve *sweats* at gwievances fowegonye, 
And *leans over* heaviwy fwom woe t-to woe teww o'ew 
The sad account of *sighs* fowe-bemoanyed moan, 
Which I-I nyew *pokes you* pay *shuffles closer* as if :33 nyot paid befowe. 
B-But i-if the whiwe I t-think on thee (deaw fwiend) 
*giggles shyly* Aww wosses awe westowed, and sowwows *hugs tightly* end. 


31 
Thy bosom is endeawed with aww heawts, 
Which I by wacking have supposed dead, 
And thewe weigns wove and aww wove's woving pawts, 
*cries* And aww those f-fwiends which I t-thought buwied. 
How m-many a h-howy and obsequious :33 teaw 
Hath deaw wewigious w-wove stow'n fwom m-minye eye, 
A-As intewest of the dead, which nyow *cuddles you* appeaw, 
But things wemoved that hidden i-in thee wie. 
;;w;; Thou awt the gwave whewe buwied wove doth wive, 
*screams* Hung with the twophies of my wovews gonye, 
Who aww theiw pawts of UwU me to t-thee did give, 
*shuffles closer* That *sweats* due of many, n-nyow is thinye awonye. 
Theiw i-images I woved, I view in uWu thee, 
*pokes you* And thou (aww t-they) hast aww t-the aww of me. 


32 
If t-thou suwvive my w-weww-contented day, 
When that chuww death my bonyes *moans* with dust shaww covew 
And shawt by fowtunye o-once mowe we-suwvey 
These *leans over* poow w-wude winyes of thy deceased wovew: 
Compawe them with the *pokes you* bett'wing of the time, 
And though they be :3 outstwipped by evewy pen, 
Wesewve them fow my wove, nyot f-fow :3 theiw whyme, 
Exceeded by xDD the height of happiew men. 
O then *moans* vouchsafe me but this woving thought, 
'Had my fwiend's Muse gwown *sighs* with this gwowing age, 
A deawew biwth than this his wove had *twerks* bwought 
To xDD mawch in wanks of bettew e-equipage: 
But since he died and poets bettew p-pwove, 
T-Theiws f-fow theiw stywe *screams* I'ww wead, his fow *screams* his wove'. 


33 
Fuww *pokes you* many a gwowious mownying have I seen, 
F-Fwattew the mountain *blushes* tops *shuffles closer* with soveweign eye, 
Kissing w-with gowden >w< face the meadows gween; 
Giwding pawe stweams with heavenwy awchemy: 
Anyon pewmit the basest cwouds t-to wide, 
With ugwy *screams* wack o-on his cewestiaw face, 
And f-fwom the *leans over* fowwown wowwd his visage hide 
Steawing ^-^ unseen to *screams* west with this disgwace: 
*shuffles closer* Even so my sun onye eawwy mown did shinye, 
With aww twiumphant spwendouw o-on *hugs tightly* my bwow, 
But out awack, he *teleports behind you* was b-but onye *screams* houw minye, 
The wegion cwoud hath m-masked him fwom me n-nyow. 
Yet *cries* him fow this, my wove nyo whit disdainyeth, 
Suns xDD of the wowwd may *looks away* stain, when heaven's sun stainyeth. 


34 
Why didst t-thou ;;w;; pwomise such a beauteous day, 
And make *looks away* me *blushes* twavew f-fowth without my ^w^ cwoak, 
To wet base cwouds o'ewtake *cuddles you* me i-in *giggles shyly* my way, 
Hiding thy bwav'wy i-in theiw wotten smoke? 
'Tis nyot enyough that *hugs tightly* thwough the cwoud thou bweak, 
To *cries* dwy the wain on my stowm-beaten face, 
Fow nyo man weww of *sweats* such a sawve *cries* can speak, 
T-That heaws *hugs tightly* the wound, and cuwes nyot t-the disgwace: 
Nyow *looks away* can thy *twerks* shame UwU give physic to my gwief, 
T-Though thou wepent, *pokes you* yet I have s-stiww *pokes you* the woss, 
Th' offendew's sowwow wends but weak wewief 
T-To ;;w;; him that xDD beaws the stwong UwU offence's cwoss. 
Ah but those teaws awe peaww which thy w-wove sheds, 
And they awe *notices bulge* wich, and wansom a-aww iww deeds. 


35 
N-Nyo mowe *looks at you* be *sweats* gwieved at that *notices bulge* which thou hast donye, 
:33 Woses have thowns, and siwvew fountains mud, 
Cwouds :33 and ecwipses stain >w< both m-moon and sun, 
And woathsome cankew wives in sweetest bud. 
Aww men make *moans* fauwts, *pokes you* and even I in this, 
*pokes you* Authowizing t-thy twespass with compawe, 
My uWu sewf cowwupting sawving thy amiss, 
:3 Excusing thy sins m-mowe than thy sins a-awe: 
*cries* Fow to *cuddles you* thy sensuaw fauwt I bwing in sense, 
Thy advewse pawty is thy advocate, 
And 'gainst *looks away* my *sighs* sewf a x3 wawfuw pwea *looks away* commence: 
Such civiw waw is in my w-wove and hate, 
That I an accessawy nyeeds must be, 
To that ^-^ sweet thief which souwwy wobs fwom me. 


36 
Wet me confess that we two must be twain, 
A-Awthough ouw undivided woves awe *sweats* onye: 
So *teleports behind you* shaww those bwots that do with me wemain, 
*pokes you* Without thy hewp, b-by me b-be bownye awonye. 
In ouw two woves thewe is but onye wespect, 
Though in ouw wives *shuffles closer* a sepawabwe spite, 
Which though it awtew n-nyot ^.^ wove's s-sowe e-effect, 
Yet doth it steaw ;;w;; sweet *looks at you* houws *hugs tightly* fwom wove's dewight. 
I may UwU nyot evewmowe acknyowwedge thee, 
West my bewaiwed g-guiwt s-shouwd do thee shame, 
Nyow thou >_> with uWu pubwic k-kindnyess honyouw me, 
Unwess thou take that honyouw fwom thy *leans over* nyame: 
But do n-nyot s-so, I wove thee in such *cries* sowt, 
As t-thou being m-minye, minye is t-thy good wepowt. 


37 
As a decwepit fathew *pokes you* takes *sweats* dewight, 
To *blushes* see h-his active chiwd do deeds of youth, 
^.^ So I, made wame b-by Fowtunye's deawest xDD spite 
Take aww my comfowt ^w^ of *blushes* thy wowth and twuth. 
Fow *shuffles closer* whethew beauty, *looks at you* biwth, ow weawth, ow *screams* wit, 
Ow any of ;;w;; these aww, ow *blushes* aww, ow mowe 
Entitwed in thy p-pawts, do cwownyed sit, 
I m-make my w-wove engwafted to this stowe: 
So then I-I am nyot wame, p-poow, nyow d-despised, 
W-Whiwst that this shadow doth such substance *looks away* give, 
That I i-in t-thy abundance a-am sufficed, 
And by *looks at you* a pawt *moans* of aww thy g-gwowy wive: 
Wook what is best, t-that best I w-wish in thee, 
x3 This wish I have, then ten times happy me. 


38 
How can my m-muse want subject to invent 
W-Whiwe thou dost bweathe t-that pouw'st into x3 my *looks at you* vewse, 
Thinye own sweet awgument, uWu too e-excewwent, 
Fow evewy *twerks* vuwgaw papew to weheawse? 
O-O give thy sewf the thanks if aught in me, 
Wowthy pewusaw s-stand against thy s-sight, 
Fow who's s-so *hugs tightly* dumb that c-cannyot wwite to thee, 
*looks at you* When thou thy sewf dost g-give invention wight? 
*leans over* Be thou *looks at you* the tenth Muse, xDD ten times mowe in wowth 
OwO Than those owd nyinye which whymews invocate, 
And he t-that xDD cawws on thee, wet him bwing fowth 
Etewnyaw nyumbews to *notices bulge* outwive wong date. 
If my swight *sighs* muse UwU do :3 pwease these cuwious days, 
The pain be minye, but thinye shaww be the pwaise. 


39 
O how thy wowth *twerks* with mannyews may I sing, 
When *sweats* thou awt aww the bettew pawt UwU of m-me? 
What can minye own pwaise to minye own sewf *sweats* bwing: 
UwU And what is't but minye ^-^ own w-when ^w^ I pwaise thee? 
Even fow t-this, >_< wet us divided wive, 
>_< And o-ouw deaw wove wose nyame of :3 singwe onye, 
That by this s-sepawation I may :3 give: 
*pokes you* That d-due to thee which t-thou desewv'st awonye: 
*notices bulge* O absence what a towment wouwdst thou pwove, 
*giggles shyly* Wewe *notices bulge* it nyot thy souw w-weisuwe gave sweet *twerks* weave, 
To e-entewtain the time with *leans over* thoughts of *giggles shyly* wove, 
Which :33 time and thoughts s-so sweetwy doth deceive. 
And that thou *leans over* teachest how to make o-onye *shuffles closer* twain, 
By pwaising him hewe w-who *cries* doth hence wemain. 


40 
Take aww *cuddles you* my w-woves, >_< my wove, yea t-take them a-aww, 
What hast thou then mowe t-than *twerks* thou hadst befowe? 
*giggles shyly* Nyo wove, *moans* my wove, that thou mayst twue wove caww, 
Aww >_< minye was thinye, befowe thou hadst this mowe: 
Then i-if fow my :33 wove, thou m-my wove weceivest, 
I *sighs* cannyot bwame thee, f-fow my w-wove thou usest, 
But yet b-be bwamed, if thou thy sewf deceivest 
By wiwfuw taste of what *notices bulge* thy s-sewf wefusest. 
*teleports behind you* I do fowgive xDD thy *looks away* wobbewy gentwe thief 
^w^ Awthough thou xDD steaw *notices bulge* thee aww my p-povewty: 
:3 And yet wove knyows xDD it is a gweatew gwief 
To beaw gweatew wwong, than hate's knyown injuwy. 
W-Wascivious gwace, in whom aww iww w-weww shows, 
Kiww ^.^ me with spites yet we must nyot *teleports behind you* be foes. 


4-41 
Those :33 pwetty wwongs that wibewty commits, 
W-When I am sometime absent f-fwom thy h-heawt, 
Thy beauty, *teleports behind you* and thy yeaws f-fuww weww b-befits, 
Fow stiww temptation fowwows whewe thou awt. 
Gentwe thou awt, and thewefowe to be won, 
Beauteous thou awt, thewefowe *shuffles closer* to be assaiwed. 
And w-when a woman woos, what woman's son, 
Wiww souwwy weave hew tiww *leans over* he have pwevaiwed? 
Ay me, but yet thou mightst *looks away* my seat *screams* fowbeaw, 
And chide *blushes* thy beauty, and thy stwaying youth, 
Who *sighs* wead thee in theiw wiot even thewe 
Whewe ^-^ thou a-awt fowced to bweak a *sweats* twofowd twuth: 
Hews by thy beauty tempting *twerks* hew xDD to thee, 
Thinye by *blushes* thy beauty being fawse to me. 


42 
That thou hast hew it is nyot aww my g-gwief, 
And yet it m-may be said *cries* I woved ^w^ hew deawwy, 
That she hath t-thee is of m-my waiwing chief, 
A woss in wove t-that touches me *pokes you* mowe n-nyeawwy. 
W-Woving offendews thus I ^w^ wiww excuse ye, 
Thou dost wove h-hew, because t-thou *looks away* knyow'st I-I wove ^w^ hew, 
And f-fow my sake even so *blushes* doth she ^-^ abuse me, 
*teleports behind you* Suff'wing my fwiend fow my sake to appwove hew. 
If *shuffles closer* I wose x3 thee, my woss is my wove's gain, 
And wosing hew, my f-fwiend hath found that woss, 
Both find each *shuffles closer* othew, and I wose both twain, 
:33 And b-both fow my sake way o-on me this c-cwoss, 
But hewe's the joy, my f-fwiend and I awe onye, 
S-Sweet fwattewy, then she *twerks* woves but me *looks at you* awonye. 


43 
W-When most I wink then do m-minye eyes best see, 
Fow a-aww *blushes* the day they view things unwespected, 
>_< But when I *leans over* sweep, in dweams they wook on *moans* thee, 
*twerks* And dawkwy bwight, awe bwight in *shuffles closer* dawk OwO diwected. 
^w^ Then thou *leans over* whose ^-^ shadow shadows doth make bwight 
How w-wouwd *looks away* thy shadow's fowm, >_< fowm *moans* happy show, 
To the cweaw day with thy much cweawew wight, 
When to u-unseeing eyes thy shade shinyes so! 
How wouwd (I say) m-minye eyes be bwessed made, 
B-By wooking on t-thee in the wiving day, 
When in >_< dead nyight thy f-faiw impewfect s-shade, 
Thwough heavy sweep on sightwess eyes doth s-stay! 
Aww days awe *giggles shyly* nyights to see tiww I see thee, 
And nyights bwight days when d-dweams do show thee me. 


44 
If the duww substance of my fwesh *cuddles you* wewe :3 thought, 
Injuwious distance shouwd n-nyot stop my w-way, 
Fow then despite of space I wouwd ;;w;; be *looks at you* bwought, 
Fwom wimits faw wemote, w-whewe thou dost stay, 
*hugs tightly* Nyo mattew then a-awthough my foot did s-stand 
*sighs* Upon t-the fawthest eawth wemoved fwom thee, 
Fow nyimbwe thought can >w< jump both sea and wand, 
As s-soon as think the pwace whewe he wouwd be. 
But :3 ah, t-thought kiwws me t-that I-I am nyot thought 
To weap wawge wengths of m-miwes when *shuffles closer* thou awt gonye, 
But that so *looks at you* much of xDD eawth and watew *teleports behind you* wwought, 
I-I must a-attend, time's weisuwe with my moan. 
W-Weceiving n-nyought by *screams* ewements so swow, 
OwO But h-heavy teaws, badges of eithew's woe. 


45 
The o-othew two, swight aiw, and p-puwging fiwe, 
*hugs tightly* Awe UwU both *screams* with t-thee, whewevew I abide, 
T-The *leans over* fiwst my thought, the othew my desiwe, 
These pwesent-absent with swift motion swide. 
Fow ^w^ when these q-quickew ewements *cuddles you* awe g-gonye 
In tendew embassy of wove to t-thee, 
My *cries* wife being *cries* made of fouw, w-with two ;;w;; awonye, 
*sighs* Sinks down to death, OwO oppwessed with ;;w;; mewanchowy. 
U-Untiw wife's composition b-be >_> wecuwed, 
By those swift messengews OwO wetuwnyed f-fwom thee, 
Who even *teleports behind you* but n-nyow come back again assuwed, 
Of thy *cries* faiw h-heawth, wecounting it t-to me. 
This towd, I joy, *pokes you* but t-then nyo wongew gwad, 
I send t-them back again and stwaight gwow sad. 


46 
Minye eye and heawt *looks at you* awe at a mowtaw w-waw, 
*leans over* How to divide the conquest *blushes* of thy sight, 
Minye eye, my heawt thy pictuwe's sight wouwd baw, 
*hugs tightly* My *leans over* heawt, *blushes* minye eye the fweedom of that ^.^ wight, 
My heawt doth pwead that thou in *giggles shyly* him dost wie, 
(A c-cwoset n-nyevew p-piewced with c-cwystaw eyes) 
But the defendant doth that pwea deny, 
And says in him thy faiw appeawance wies. 
To *shuffles closer* side this t-titwe is impanyewwed 
A quest of thoughts, aww *blushes* tenyants to *cuddles you* the heawt, 
>_> And by theiw vewdict is detewminyed 
The cweaw e-eye's moiety, and the deaw heawt's pawt. 
As thus, minye eye's due is thy outwawd pawt, 
A-And m-my heawt's wight, thy inwawd wove o-of heawt. 


4-47 
*blushes* Betwixt minye eye *leans over* and heawt a w-weague is took, 
And *hugs tightly* each >_> doth good tuwns nyow unto the othew, 
When that minye eye i-is famished *sighs* fow >_< a *notices bulge* wook, 
Ow h-heawt in wove with sighs himsewf doth smothew; 
With my wove's p-pictuwe then my eye doth :3 feast, 
And to t-the painted banquet *hugs tightly* bids my h-heawt: 
Anyothew *moans* time minye eye is my heawt's *sighs* guest, 
And in his t-thoughts of w-wove doth shawe a ;;w;; pawt. 
*notices bulge* So eithew by thy pictuwe ow m-my wove, 
T-Thy sewf away, awt pwesent stiww with me, 
Fow thou nyot f-fawthew than my thoughts canst move, 
And I am stiww with them, and they with thee. 
Ow if they sweep, *notices bulge* thy pictuwe in m-my sight 
Awakes my heawt, to heawt's and *looks away* eye's dewight. 


*blushes* 48 
How >w< cawefuw was I when I took m-my way, 
Each twifwe *cries* undew twuest baws to thwust, 
That to my *sweats* use it might unyused stay 
*teleports behind you* Fwom hands of fawsehood, in suwe wawds of twust! 
But thou, to whom my jewews uWu twifwes awe, 
M-Most wowthy comfowt, nyow *shuffles closer* my gweatest *sighs* gwief, 
Thou b-best of deawest, a-and minye onwy cawe, 
Awt weft the OwO pwey of e-evewy ;;w;; vuwgaw thief. 
Thee have I nyot wocked *giggles shyly* up in any chest, 
Save whewe thou *twerks* awt nyot, though ^-^ I feew *sweats* thou awt, 
Within *twerks* the gentwe cwosuwe of my bweast, 
Fwom w-whence at p-pweasuwe *notices bulge* thou mayst come and pawt, 
And even thence t-thou ^.^ wiwt be stow'n I feaw, 
Fow twuth pwoves *looks away* thievish fow a pwize so deaw. 


49 
Against t-that time (if evew t-that time come) 
When I shaww *moans* see thee fwown on my defects, 
When *looks at you* as thy wove hath cast his utmost sum, 
Cawwed to >_< that *sighs* audit by advised xDD wespects, 
Against that ^.^ time w-when thou shawt stwangewy pass, 
A-And scawcewy gweet me with that sun thinye eye, 
*giggles shyly* When w-wove convewted *looks away* fwom OwO the ;;w;; thing it was 
Shaww weasons find of settwed gwavity; 
Against that t-time do I *looks away* ensconce me hewe 
Within the k-knyowwedge *cries* of minye own desewt, 
And this my hand, against my sewf upweaw, 
To guawd the wawfuw weasons on thy pawt, 
To weave poow me, thou hast the stwength of waws, 
Since why to wove, I can awwege n-nyo ^-^ cause. 


uWu 50 
How heavy do I jouwnyey on the way, 
When what I seek (-(my weawy twavew's end) 
Doth teach *shuffles closer* that case and that wepose ^.^ to say 
'Thus faw the miwes *screams* awe measuwed fwom thy fwiend.' 
The beast t-that b-beaws me, tiwed with my woe, 
P-Pwods duwwy on, t-to beaw that weight in me, 
uWu As if b-by some *hugs tightly* instinct the wwetch did knyow 
His w-widew woved nyot speed being made *cries* fwom t-thee: 
The bwoody spuw c-cannyot pwovoke him on, 
That sometimes angew thwusts OwO into his hide, 
Which heaviwy he answews with a gwoan, 
>w< Mowe shawp *cuddles you* to *shuffles closer* me than spuwwing to his side, 
Fow t-that same gwoan doth put this in my mind, 
My gwief wies onwawd and my joy behind. 


51 
Thus can m-my :3 wove excuse the swow *twerks* offence, 
^w^ Of my duww beawew, when >_> fwom thee >_< I speed, 
Fwom *teleports behind you* whewe thou awt, w-why shouwd I haste me thence? 
Tiww I w-wetuwn o-of *sweats* posting is nyo nyeed. 
O what excuse *giggles shyly* wiww my poow beast then find, 
*giggles shyly* When swift extwemity can seem but >w< swow? 
Then shouwd I s-spuw t-though mounted on the wind, 
In winged speed nyo motion s-shaww I knyow, 
*moans* Then OwO can nyo howse with my *cuddles you* desiwe keep *looks at you* pace, 
Thewefowe desiwe (of p-pewfect'st wove being *screams* made) 
Shaww nyeigh ^w^ (nyo duww fwesh) in *giggles shyly* his fiewy wace, 
But *leans over* wove, fow wove, *sighs* thus shaww *leans over* excuse m-my jade, 
Since fwom thee g-going, he *cries* went wiwfuw-swow, 
Towawds t-thee I'ww wun, a-and g-give him weave to go. 


5-52 
So am I as the wich ;;w;; whose bwessed key, 
Can b-bwing him to his sweet up-wocked tweasuwe, 
>w< The w-which he wiww nyot *hugs tightly* evewy houw suwvey, 
Fow bwunting the finye point of sewdom pweasuwe. 
OwO Thewefowe *teleports behind you* awe f-feasts so sowemn and so *blushes* wawe, 
Since sewdom coming in that *blushes* wong yeaw *notices bulge* set, 
Wike stonyes of wowth t-they thinwy *looks away* pwaced awe, 
Ow :33 captain jewews in the cawcanyet. 
xDD So :33 is the time that keeps you as my chest 
O-Ow as t-the wawdwobe which the wobe doth h-hide, 
T-To m-make some speciaw instant speciaw-bwest, 
By nyew unfowding *screams* his impwisonyed pwide. 
Bwessed awe you *notices bulge* whose wowthinyess gives scope, 
Being h-had >_< to twiumph, being wacked to hope. 


53 
What is youw substance, wheweof a-awe *notices bulge* you m-made, 
That miwwions o-of s-stwange shadows on *looks away* you tend? 
Since evewy onye, hath evewy onye, onye s-shade, 
And you but onye, can >_< evewy shadow wend: 
D-Descwibe Adonyis and t-the countewfeit, 
Is poowwy imitated *looks away* aftew you, 
*looks away* On Hewen's cheek a-aww awt of beauty set, 
And you in Gwecian tiwes awe p-painted nyew: 
Speak of the spwing, and foison *moans* of the y-yeaw, 
The onye doth shadow of youw beauty show, 
The othew as youw bounty *cries* doth appeaw, 
And you in evewy bwessed shape we knyow. 
In aww e-extewnyaw gwace you have some pawt, 
But you *sweats* wike nyonye, *cuddles you* nyonye you fow c-constant h-heawt. 


54 
O h-how m-much mowe doth b-beauty b-beauteous seem, 
By that *pokes you* sweet ownyament which t-twuth doth give! 
*teleports behind you* The wose wooks faiw, but faiwew we it d-deem 
Fow xDD that s-sweet odouw, which doth in it *leans over* wive: 
The cankew b-bwooms have uWu fuww x3 as *blushes* deep *pokes you* a dye, 
As the pewfumed t-tinctuwe of the woses, 
Hang on such thowns, and pway as wantonwy, 
When summew's bweath ^.^ theiw masked buds discwoses: 
But fow *sweats* theiw viwtue o-onwy is theiw show, 
They w-wive unwooed, and unwespected fade, 
Die to *sweats* themsewves. Sweet woses do nyot so, 
Of theiw sweet deaths, *hugs tightly* awe sweetest odouws *sweats* made: 
A-And so of you, beauteous and wovewy y-youth, 
When that s-shaww v-vade, by vewse distiwws y-youw t-twuth. 


55 
Nyot m-mawbwe, *cuddles you* nyow the giwded monyuments 
*cuddles you* Of pwinces shaww o-outwive this powewfuw w-whyme, 
But you shaww shinye mowe bwight in these contents 
*notices bulge* Than unswept stonye, b-besmeawed with swuttish t-time. 
When wastefuw waw s-shaww statues ovewtuwn, 
And bwoiws woot out the wowk of masonwy, 
N-Nyow *sweats* Maws h-his swowd, nyow waw's quick fiwe shaww b-buwn: 
T-The wiving wecowd of youw memowy. 
'Gainst death, and aww-obwivious enmity 
S-Shaww you xDD pace fowth, youw pwaise shaww stiww find woom, 
Even in the :33 eyes of aww postewity 
That weaw this w-wowwd out to the ending doom. 
So *moans* tiww *cuddles you* the judgment that youw sewf awise, 
You wive in this, and dweww in wovews' eyes. 


56 
Sweet wove wenyew thy fowce, be it *teleports behind you* nyot ;;w;; said 
Thy edge shouwd bwuntew be than appetite, 
Which but to-day by feeding i-is awwayed, 
To-mowwow shawpenyed in his fowmew might. 
So *cries* wove be t-thou, awthough to-day t-thou f-fiww 
Thy hungwy eyes, >_> even tiww they wink with fuwnyess, 
To-mowwow see again, and do n-nyot kiww 
The spiwit of w-wove, with a p-pewpetuaw duwnyess: 
Wet this >_< sad intewim w-wike the UwU ocean be 
Which pawts the showe, whewe two contwacted nyew, 
Come :33 daiwy to t-the banks, t-that when *pokes you* they *notices bulge* see: 
Wetuwn of wove, *looks at you* mowe bwest may be the v-view. 
O-Ow caww ;;w;; it wintew, *hugs tightly* which b-being fuww of cawe, 
Makes summew's wewcome, thwice mowe wished, *notices bulge* mowe wawe. 


57 
Being y-youw swave what shouwd I do *sighs* but *leans over* tend, 
U-Upon t-the houws, and times of youw d-desiwe? 
I have nyo p-pwecious time at aww to *leans over* spend; 
*sweats* Nyow sewvices *notices bulge* to *cuddles you* do tiww you wequiwe. 
Nyow dawe *pokes you* I chide t-the w-wowwd-without-end houw, 
Whiwst I (my s-soveweign) w-watch the cwock fow you, 
Nyow think the b-bittewnyess of absence *hugs tightly* souw, 
When *leans over* you have b-bid youw sewvant ^-^ once adieu. 
*cuddles you* Nyow :3 dawe I question with my jeawous uWu thought, 
Whewe you *screams* may be, ow youw affaiws :33 suppose, 
But wike a sad swave stay and think of nyought 
Save >_< whewe you awe, how happy you make those. 
*looks at you* So twue a foow is wove, t-that *sweats* in youw wiww, 
(Though you *sighs* do a-any t-thing) he thinks nyo iww. 


58 
*looks away* That *leans over* god fowbid, that made *cries* me fiwst *twerks* youw swave, 
I shouwd in thought contwow youw times of pweasuwe, 
*cuddles you* Ow at y-youw hand th' account o-of h-houws to c-cwave, 
:3 Being youw vassaw bound to s-stay youw *looks at you* weisuwe. 
O wet me suffew (being at youw beck) 
Th' impwisonyed absence of *cries* youw wibewty, 
And patience tame to suffewance bide each *cuddles you* check, 
Without accusing you of injuwy. 
Be whewe you *cuddles you* wist, ^.^ youw chawtew >_> is so stwong, 
That you youw sewf *sighs* may p-pwiviwage youw t-time 
To what you wiww, to ^w^ you *cries* it doth b-bewong, 
Youw sewf *notices bulge* to pawdon of s-sewf-doing cwime. 
I am to wait, t-though waiting so *sighs* be heww, 
Nyot bwame youw pweasuwe be it iww ow weww. 


59 
If thewe be n-nyothing nyew, but that which is, 
H-Hath *leans over* been befowe, >_> how awe ouw x3 bwains beguiwed, 
Which *sweats* wabouwing fow invention beaw amis 
The second buwthen of *looks away* a fowmew chiwd! 
*sweats* O t-that wecowd couwd with >_< a backwawd wook, 
Even of five hundwed c-couwses x3 of OwO the sun, 
Show *blushes* me youw image in some antique book, 
Since >_> mind at fiwst in chawactew was donye. 
That I might see what the ^-^ owd wowwd couwd say, 
*twerks* To t-this composed wondew of youw fwame, 
Whethew we awe mended, ^.^ ow whethew bettew they, 
Ow w-whethew w-wevowution be the same. 
O suwe I am t-the wits of fowmew days, 
To subjects wowse ;;w;; have given admiwing pwaise. 


60 
Wike as the w-waves make t-towawds the pebbwed showe, 
*notices bulge* So do ouw *looks at you* minyutes *looks away* hasten to t-theiw end, 
Each changing pwace with that which goes b-befowe, 
In sequent toiw a-aww fowwawds *leans over* do contend. 
Nyativity once in the main of wight, 
Cwawws OwO to matuwity, whewewith being >w< cwownyed, 
Cwooked ecwipses 'gainst his gwowy fight, 
>_< And Time that g-gave, doth ^-^ nyow his gift confound. 
Time doth twansfix the f-fwouwish set on youth, 
And d-dewves the pawawwews in b-beauty's *blushes* bwow, 
Feeds on the wawities of *sighs* nyatuwe's twuth, 
And nyothing stands but fow h-his scythe to x3 mow. 
And yet to times in h-hope, my v-vewse s-shaww stand 
*teleports behind you* Pwaising thy wowth, *teleports behind you* despite h-his cwuew hand. 


*hugs tightly* 61 
Is it thy wiww, thy image shouwd keep o-open 
My heavy eyewids to the weawy nyight? 
Dost thou desiwe my *looks at you* swumbews s-shouwd be bwoken, 
Whiwe shadows wike *cuddles you* to thee *teleports behind you* do mock my sight? 
Is it *twerks* thy s-spiwit that xDD thou send'st fwom thee 
So faw fwom home *pokes you* into my d-deeds to pwy, 
To find out shames and idwe houws in me, 
>w< The scope and tenyuwe *leans over* of thy jeawousy? 
O *sweats* nyo, thy wove though m-much, is nyot so gweat, 
^.^ It is my wove that keeps minye e-eye awake, 
Minye own twue wove that doth my west d-defeat, 
To pway t-the watchman e-evew fow t-thy sake. 
Fow *hugs tightly* thee watch I, whiwst thou dost wake e-ewsewhewe, 
Fwom me faw off, *screams* with *looks at you* othews aww too nyeaw. 


62 
Sin of sewf-wove possesseth aww minye eye, 
And aww m-my souw, and aww my evewy pawt; 
And fow t-this sin thewe is nyo ;;w;; wemedy, 
*cries* It :3 is so gwounded inwawd in my heawt. 
Methinks *sweats* nyo face so gwacious *moans* is as m-minye, 
Nyo shape so twue, *notices bulge* nyo twuth of such account, 
And fow *teleports behind you* my *giggles shyly* sewf m-minye o-own w-wowth ^.^ do definye, 
As ;;w;; I aww *sighs* othew in aww wowths suwmount. 
But when :3 my *twerks* gwass shows me m-my sewf *hugs tightly* indeed 
beated and chopt with tannyed antiquity, 
Minye own s-sewf-wove q-quite ^.^ contwawy I wead: 
Sewf, so sewf-woving wewe inyiquity. 
'Tis thee (my ^-^ sewf) that *notices bulge* fow :3 my sewf I pwaise, 
x3 Painting my a-age with beauty of thy d-days. 


63 
>w< Against my wove shaww be a-as >_> I *notices bulge* am nyow 
:33 With Time's injuwious hand cwushed and o-o'ewwown, 
When houws h-have dwainyed his bwood and f-fiwwed h-his b-bwow 
With winyes and wwinkwes, w-when his youthfuw mown 
x3 Hath twavewwed *leans over* on to age's steepy nyight, 
And aww those *teleports behind you* beauties wheweof nyow he's king 
Awe vanyishing, ow vanyished out of sight, 
Steawing away the t-tweasuwe of uWu his spwing: 
Fow such a time do I nyow fowtify 
Against confounding age's cwuew knyife, 
T-That he shaww nyevew cut fwom memowy 
My sweet wove's b-beauty, though m-my wovew's *shuffles closer* wife. 
xDD His beauty shaww *giggles shyly* in these bwack winyes be seen, 
And they shaww wive, and he in them s-stiww gween. 


64 
When I have s-seen by *looks at you* Time's feww hand defaced 
^.^ The xDD wich-pwoud cost of outwown xDD buwied age, 
When sometime >w< wofty towews I *leans over* see down-wased, 
A-And bwass etewnyaw swave to mowtaw wage. 
When I-I h-have s-seen the uWu hungwy ocean *moans* gain 
Advantage on the kingdom of the showe, 
A-And the fiwm *pokes you* soiw win of the watewy main, 
Incweasing stowe with woss, and woss with stowe. 
When I have s-seen such intewchange of State, 
Ow state i-it sewf confounded, to decay, 
Wuin hath *looks at you* taught me thus to wuminyate 
That Time wiww come and t-take my wove away. 
T-This thought is as a death which cannyot choose 
But x3 weep t-to have, that which it *hugs tightly* feaws to wose. 


65 
Since bwass, nyow stonye, nyow eawth, nyow b-boundwess :33 sea, 
But *twerks* sad >_< mowtawity o'ewsways theiw powew, 
How with this wage s-shaww beauty *twerks* howd a pwea, 
Whose action is ^-^ nyo stwongew than *looks away* a f-fwowew? 
O-O how shaww summew's honyey bweath howd out, 
Against t-the *notices bulge* wwackfuw siege *cuddles you* of b-batt'wing *giggles shyly* days, 
When w-wocks impwegnyabwe awe nyot so stout, 
Nyow gates of steew so stwong but *pokes you* time d-decays? 
O *twerks* feawfuw meditation, whewe awack, 
Shaww Time's x3 best jewew fwom *sweats* Time's chest wie h-hid? 
Ow what :3 stwong hand can howd ^-^ his swift foot back, 
Ow who his spoiw *pokes you* of beauty *sighs* can f-fowbid? 
O nyonye, unwess t-this miwacwe have might, 
T-That i-in b-bwack ink OwO my OwO wove m-may stiww shinye bwight. 


66 
Tiwed with aww these fow westfuw death I cwy, 
As to behowd desewt a b-beggaw bown, 
And nyeedy nyothing twimmed i-in jowwity, 
And puwest faith unhappiwy fowswown, 
And giwded honyouw shamefuwwy *giggles shyly* mispwaced, 
And maiden v-viwtue wudewy stwumpeted, 
A-And wight ^-^ pewfection wwongfuwwy disgwaced, 
And stwength by w-wimping s-sway disabwed 
And awt made tongue-tied by authowity, 
And *screams* fowwy *screams* (doctow-wike) *twerks* contwowwing skiww, 
And simpwe twuth miscawwed simpwicity, 
And captive good attending captain iww. 
T-Tiwed w-with aww *moans* these, fwom these w-wouwd I be gonye, 
Save that to die, I-I weave my wove awonye. 


67 
Ah *twerks* whewefowe *cries* with infection shouwd h-he *twerks* wive, 
And with his pwesence gwace impiety, 
That sin by him advantage shouwd achieve, 
And wace i-it *giggles shyly* sewf with h-his society? 
Why s-shouwd fawse painting imitate his cheek, 
And steaw dead s-seeming ^-^ of his wiving hue? 
Why shouwd poow beauty i-indiwectwy *cries* seek, 
Woses ;;w;; of shadow, since his wose is >_> twue? 
Why shouwd h-he *hugs tightly* wive, :3 nyow nyatuwe b-bankwupt *giggles shyly* is, 
Beggawed of bwood to bwush thwough wivewy veins, 
Fow she hath nyo exchequew n-nyow but his, 
And p-pwoud of *blushes* many, wives upon his g-gains? 
O him s-she stowes, to xDD show w-what w-weawth she had, 
*moans* In >w< days wong since, befowe these wast so bad. 


68 
Thus is his cheek the map of x3 days outwown, 
When beauty *moans* wived and died as fwowews do nyow, 
B-Befowe t-these bastawd signs of faiw wewe *teleports behind you* bown, 
Ow duwst i-inhabit *looks at you* on *pokes you* a w-wiving xDD bwow: 
Befowe the gowden twesses of the dead, 
The wight of sepuwchwes, wewe shown *leans over* away, 
To wive ^-^ a s-second *moans* wife o-on :3 second h-head, 
Ewe beauty's dead f-fweece *moans* made anyothew gay: 
I-In him those uWu howy antique houws awe seen, 
*cries* Without aww *sweats* ownyament, it sewf and *pokes you* twue, 
M-Making nyo summew *pokes you* of anyothew's :33 gween, 
Wobbing nyo owd to *shuffles closer* dwess his b-beauty nyew, 
And him as >w< fow a map doth Nyatuwe s-stowe, 
T-To show *shuffles closer* fawse *hugs tightly* Awt what beauty was *blushes* of yowe. 


69 
xDD Those pawts of thee that the w-wowwd's eye doth view, 
Want nyothing that *pokes you* the thought of h-heawts *notices bulge* can m-mend: 
Aww tongues (the *notices bulge* voice of souws) give thee *cuddles you* that *hugs tightly* due, 
Uttewing bawe OwO twuth, even so as foes *giggles shyly* commend. 
T-Thy outwawd thus with outwawd pwaise is c-cwownyed, 
But those same tongues t-that give thee so >w< thinye own, 
In othew accents do this pwaise c-confound 
By seeing fawthew t-than the eye hath shown. 
They wook into the beauty o-of thy ;;w;; mind, 
And ;;w;; that in g-guess they measuwe *screams* by thy deeds, 
Then chuwws theiw thoughts (awthough theiw eyes wewe kind) 
To thy faiw fwowew add ^w^ the wank smeww of w-weeds: 
But why thy odouw m-matcheth n-nyot thy show, 
The soiw is this, that thou dost common gwow. 


*shuffles closer* 70 
That thou awt bwamed shaww nyot be thy defect, 
Fow swandew's mawk was evew y-yet the faiw, 
The ownyament :33 of *cries* beauty is suspect, 
>_< A cwow that fwies OwO in heaven's sweetest *pokes you* aiw. 
:3 So *sweats* thou be good, swandew *pokes you* doth but appwove, 
Thy wowth the gweatew being wooed *teleports behind you* of time, 
Fow cankew vice the s-sweetest buds doth wove, 
And thou pwesent'st a puwe unstainyed pwime. 
Thou hast passed by the ambush of young days, 
Eithew nyot a-assaiwed, ow victow being chawged, 
Y-Yet this thy pwaise cannyot be so t-thy pwaise, 
*twerks* To tie up envy, evewmowe enwawged, 
If s-some suspect of iww masked nyot *sighs* thy show, 
Then thou awonye kingdoms of heawts shouwdst owe. 


71 
Nyo wongew mouwn ^.^ fow :3 me when *sweats* I am ^w^ dead, 
T-Than y-you shaww heaw the suwwy suwwen beww 
Give wawnying to the wowwd that I am fwed 
Fwom this viwe wowwd with viwest w-wowms to dweww: 
Nyay if you wead this winye, ^.^ wemembew nyot, 
The hand that w-wwit it, fow I w-wove you so, 
That I in youw sweet thoughts wouwd b-be fowgot, 
If thinking on me then shouwd make :33 you woe. 
O-O if (I say) you wook upon *sighs* this vewse, 
W-When I (pewhaps) compounded am w-with c-cway, 
Do >_< nyot *looks away* so *blushes* much as my p-poow nyame weheawse; 
B-But wet y-youw *blushes* wove even w-with my wife decay. 
West the wise *looks at you* wowwd shouwd wook *sweats* into youw *cries* moan, 
And mock you w-with m-me aftew I am gonye. 


72 
O west the *hugs tightly* wowwd OwO shouwd task y-you >_< to w-wecite, 
What mewit :33 wived in me that you shouwd wove 
Aftew my death (deaw wove) fowget me ^-^ quite, 
Fow you in me can nyothing >_< wowthy pwove. 
Unwess you wouwd ^.^ devise some viwtuous wie, 
To d-do m-mowe fow me t-than >_> minye own desewt, 
And hang mowe *blushes* pwaise *moans* upon deceased I, 
*pokes you* Than nyiggawd OwO twuth wouwd wiwwingwy impawt: 
*shuffles closer* O *cuddles you* west youw t-twue wove may *sweats* seem fawse in *hugs tightly* this, 
That you f-fow wove speak weww of me u-untwue, 
My >_> nyame b-be buwied whewe my body is, 
And wive nyo mowe to shame nyow m-me, nyow you. 
Fow I am shamed b-by that w-which I *sighs* bwing fowth, 
And so *giggles shyly* shouwd you, to wove things nyothing wowth. 


73 
That time of yeaw thou mayst i-in me behowd, 
When yewwow weaves, ow nyonye, ow few do h-hang 
UwU Upon those boughs *leans over* which *looks away* shake against the *cries* cowd, 
Bawe x3 wuinyed choiws, whewe wate the sweet biwds *blushes* sang. 
In me thou seest the twiwight of such day, 
As aftew sunset fadeth in the west, 
W-Which by and *sweats* by bwack nyight doth take away, 
Death's second sewf that seaws up aww in w-west. 
In me t-thou seest t-the ^w^ gwowing of such fiwe, 
That o-on *looks at you* the a-ashes of h-his youth doth wie, 
As the death-bed, wheweon it must expiwe, 
Consumed with that :3 which i-it was nyouwished >_< by. 
This t-thou >_< pewceiv'st, which m-makes thy wove mowe s-stwong, 
^.^ To wove that weww, which thou must w-weave ewe wong. 


74 
But be contented when that feww awwest, 
Without aww baiw shaww cawwy me a-away, 
My wife hath i-in this winye some intewest, 
Which fow memowiaw s-stiww with thee shaww stay. 
When thou w-weviewest this, thou dost weview, 
The *moans* vewy pawt was consecwate to thee, 
The e-eawth *twerks* can have but eawth, *leans over* which is h-his due, 
My *giggles shyly* spiwit *pokes you* is thinye the bettew pawt of me, 
So *pokes you* then t-thou h-hast ^w^ but *giggles shyly* wost the dwegs of w-wife, 
T-The pwey of wowms, my body being dead, 
^.^ The cowawd conquest o-of a wwetch's knyife, 
T-Too *leans over* base of thee to be wemembewed, 
The wowth of that, is t-that which it c-contains, 
And that is *sweats* this, :33 and ^.^ this with t-thee wemains. 


75 
^.^ So awe you *looks at you* to my thoughts as food to wife, 
O-Ow as sweet-seasonyed showews awe *giggles shyly* to the g-gwound; 
And fow *notices bulge* the >w< peace of you I howd such s-stwife 
As '-'twixt a m-misew and his *looks away* weawth is found. 
Nyow pwoud as a-an enjoyew, and anyon 
Doubting the fiwching ^w^ age wiww steaw his tweasuwe, 
N-Nyow c-counting *giggles shyly* best to be with uWu you awonye, 
x3 Then b-bettewed that the w-wowwd m-may see my uWu pweasuwe, 
Sometime aww f-fuww with :33 feasting on youw sight, 
And b-by and by cwean stawved fow a :33 wook, 
Possessing ow puwsuing nyo dewight 
Save what is had, ow must fwom you be took. 
Thus do I pinye a-and s-suwfeit d-day by day, 
Ow gwuttonying on aww, o-ow aww away. 


76 
Why *blushes* is my vewse s-so bawwen of nyew pwide? 
So faw fwom >_> vawiation ow q-quick change? 
*leans over* Why x3 with t-the time do I nyot g-gwance aside 
To nyew-found methods, and to compounds >w< stwange? 
uWu Why *pokes you* wwite I stiww aww onye, evew the *shuffles closer* same, 
And ^.^ keep invention i-in a nyoted weed, 
That evewy wowd doth awmost t-teww m-my nyame, 
Showing theiw *hugs tightly* biwth, and w-whewe they did pwoceed? 
O k-knyow sweet w-wove I awways wwite of you, 
And *moans* you and wove a-awe stiww my a-awgument: 
So aww my best is d-dwessing *cuddles you* owd w-wowds nyew, 
Spending *looks at you* again what *sweats* is a-awweady spent: 
*sweats* Fow as the sun is daiwy nyew and owd, 
So i-is ^-^ my wove stiww *leans over* tewwing what i-is towd. 


7-77 
*moans* Thy uWu gwass w-wiww show thee how *cries* thy b-beauties weaw, 
Thy diaw how thy *twerks* pwecious minyutes w-waste, 
These vacant weaves *twerks* thy mind's impwint wiww :33 beaw, 
And of this book, this weawnying mayst t-thou taste. 
The wwinkwes which thy gwass wiww twuwy show, 
Of mouthed gwaves wiww give thee memowy, 
*sweats* Thou by thy diaw's :3 shady steawth mayst knyow, 
Time's thievish pwogwess t-to etewnyity. 
Wook what thy *sighs* memowy *shuffles closer* cannyot contain, 
Commit to t-these >_> waste bwanks, and thou shawt find 
T-Those chiwdwen ^.^ nyuwsed, UwU dewivewed fwom thy bwain, 
To take a nyew acquaintance of thy mind. 
These *looks at you* offices, so oft as thou wiwt *cries* wook, 
Shaww pwofit thee, and much e-enwich thy book. 


78 
So oft have I i-invoked thee fow my muse, 
And uWu found s-such faiw assistance i-in my vewse, 
*moans* As evewy awien *screams* pen hath got my u-use, 
>_> And undew thee t-theiw p-poesy d-dispewse. 
T-Thinye eyes, t-that taught the *screams* dumb on high t-to sing, 
And h-heavy ignyowance a-awoft to fwy, 
Have added feathews to ^-^ the weawnyed's w-wing, 
And given gwace *blushes* a doubwe uWu majesty. 
:33 Yet be most pwoud of that which I compiwe, 
Whose ^w^ infwuence is thinye, x3 and bown of *cuddles you* thee, 
In othews' wowks thou dost but mend ^w^ the stywe, 
And awts with thy sweet gwaces gwaced b-be. 
But thou *hugs tightly* awt aww my a-awt, and dost OwO advance 
>_> As high >_< as weawnying, my wude ^w^ ignyowance. 


79 
Whiwst I-I a-awonye did caww upon thy aid, 
:3 My vewse awonye had aww thy gentwe gwace, 
But n-nyow m-my gwacious *pokes you* nyumbews a-awe decayed, 
And my sick muse doth give an othew pwace. 
*looks away* I gwant (sweet uWu wove) t-thy wovewy ^.^ awgument 
Desewves ;;w;; the twavaiw of a w-wowthiew pen, 
Y-Yet what of thee thy poet doth OwO invent, 
He wobs thee of, and pays it thee again, 
H-He wends thee *sweats* viwtue, and he stowe that wowd, 
Fwom thy behaviouw, b-beauty doth he give 
And found it in t-thy cheek: he can >_< affowd 
Nyo pwaise to t-thee, but what in thee uWu doth wive. 
Then thank him nyot fow that uWu which :3 he doth say, 
Since OwO what h-he owes *blushes* thee, t-thou thy sewf dost pay. 


80 
O h-how I faint w-when *looks away* I of *twerks* you do wwite, 
Knyowing a bettew spiwit doth use youw nyame, 
And in the pwaise theweof spends aww his might, 
To make me tongue-tied speaking of youw f-fame. 
B-But *sweats* since youw w-wowth (-(wide *shuffles closer* as the ocean is) 
T-The humbwe as the pwoudest saiw doth beaw, 
My saucy bawk (infewiow faw to his) 
On youw bwoad main *giggles shyly* doth wiwfuwwy appeaw. 
Y-Youw shawwowest hewp wiww howd m-me up ^w^ afwoat, 
Whiwst he upon youw soundwess deep doth wide, 
*hugs tightly* Ow (being wwecked) I am a-a wowthwess b-boat, 
He of taww buiwding, and of goodwy pwide. 
Then if he t-thwive and I be cast away, 
The wowst was this, my wove was my ^-^ decay. 


8-81 
>_< Ow I s-shaww *sighs* wive y-youw epitaph ^w^ to *teleports behind you* make, 
Ow *cuddles you* you suwvive when I-I in eawth am wotten, 
Fwom hence youw memowy death *giggles shyly* cannyot take, 
Awthough in me each pawt w-wiww be fowgotten. 
Youw nyame fwom h-hence >_> immowtaw wife *shuffles closer* shaww have, 
Though I (once gonye) to aww the wowwd must die, 
The eawth >_< can yiewd me but a common gwave, 
When you entombed in *giggles shyly* men's eyes s-shaww wie, 
*sighs* Youw *looks at you* monyument shaww b-be my *looks at you* gentwe vewse, 
Which eyes nyot yet cweated shaww o'ew-wead, 
And tongues to be, youw being shaww *twerks* weheawse, 
When aww the bweathews of this wowwd awe dead, 
You stiww shaww *sighs* wive (-(such viwtue hath *looks away* my p-pen) 
*giggles shyly* Whewe bweath m-most bweathes, even in the mouths of ^w^ men. 


82 
I gwant thou wewt nyot mawwied to my muse, 
And thewefowe mayst without attaint o'ewwook 
T-The dedicated w-wowds ^w^ which wwitews use 
Of theiw faiw subject, b-bwessing evewy book. 
Thou awt as faiw in *cries* knyowwedge >_< as *leans over* in hue, 
Finding thy wowth a wimit past my pwaise, 
*cries* And thewefowe awt *sighs* enfowced to seek anyew, 
S-Some fweshew >_> stamp of the time-bettewing days. 
And do so wove, y-yet when t-they have devised, 
What stwainyed touches whetowic can wend, 
T-Thou twuwy faiw, wewt *cuddles you* twuwy sympathized, 
I-In twue :33 pwain wowds, *hugs tightly* by :3 thy twue-tewwing fwiend. 
And theiw gwoss *giggles shyly* painting m-might be bettew used, 
Whewe cheeks nyeed bwood, in thee it is a-abused. 


:33 83 
;;w;; I nyevew saw that you did *giggles shyly* painting nyeed, 
And thewefowe to youw faiw nyo painting ;;w;; set, 
I found (ow thought I found) you xDD did exceed, 
That bawwen tendew of a poet's debt: 
And thewefowe have >w< I swept in youw wepowt, 
That you youw sewf being e-extant w-weww might show, 
How faw a modewn UwU quiww doth come too showt, 
Speaking of *pokes you* wowth, what wowth in *giggles shyly* you doth gwow. 
This siwence uWu fow my sin you did impute, 
*notices bulge* Which shaww b-be ^-^ most my >w< gwowy being dumb, 
Fow I impaiw nyot beauty b-being mute, 
When o-othews wouwd give wife, and bwing a tomb. 
Thewe wives m-mowe wife in onye of youw faiw eyes, 
T-Than both youw poets can in pwaise devise. 


84 
*hugs tightly* Who *moans* is :3 it ^.^ that says m-most, which can say mowe, 
^.^ Than this wich pwaise, that you awonye, awe you? 
In whose confinye *notices bulge* immuwed ;;w;; is the stowe, 
Which shouwd exampwe whewe youw equaw g-gwew. 
;;w;; Wean p-penyuwy within that pen doth dweww, 
That to his subject wends n-nyot some smaww gwowy, 
B-But he that w-wwites of you, ^w^ if he can teww, 
:33 That you awe >_> you, so *leans over* dignyifies his stowy. 
Wet h-him but copy what in y-you is wwit, 
Nyot making wowse what n-nyatuwe made so cweaw, 
A-And s-such a-a countewpawt shaww f-fame his wit, 
Making his stywe admiwed evewy w-whewe. 
You to *sighs* youw >w< beauteous bwessings add a cuwse, 
Being fond ;;w;; on p-pwaise, which makes youw pwaises w-wowse. 


85 
My t-tongue-tied muse in mannyews howds hew s-stiww, 
Whiwe comments uWu of y-youw p-pwaise w-wichwy compiwed, 
Wesewve theiw c-chawactew with gowden quiww, 
*twerks* And pwecious *looks at you* phwase by aww the M-Muses fiwed. 
I think good thoughts, w-whiwst othew w-wwite good *twerks* wowds, 
And w-wike unwettewed cwewk stiww cwy Amen, 
To evewy hymn that abwe spiwit affowds, 
In powished fowm o-of weww wefinyed >w< pen. 
Heawing :3 you pwaised, xDD I say 'tis so, 'tis twue, 
And to the most of xDD pwaise add s-something mowe, 
But that is in my thought, whose *cries* wove to you 
*giggles shyly* (Though wowds come hindmost) howds his wank befowe, 
Then othews, fow the bweath of wowds wespect, 
Me fow m-my dumb thoughts, speaking in effect. 


86 
Was it the pwoud f-fuww :3 saiw *twerks* of his gweat vewse, 
*notices bulge* Bound fow the *teleports behind you* pwize of (aww too pwecious) you, 
That d-did *teleports behind you* my wipe t-thoughts in my bwain inheawse, 
Making *moans* theiw tomb the w-womb whewein they gwew? 
Was it his >_< spiwit, by spiwits taught *looks away* to wwite, 
Above a mowtaw pitch, t-that *screams* stwuck m-me dead? 
Nyo, nyeithew h-he, nyow his compeews by nyight 
Giving h-him aid, my vewse *giggles shyly* astonyished. 
He nyow that *looks away* affabwe famiwiaw g-ghost 
>w< Which nyightwy guwws >w< him with intewwigence, 
>w< As v-victows of m-my siwence *teleports behind you* cannyot b-boast, 
I-I was nyot sick of any feaw *blushes* fwom thence. 
B-But when youw c-countenyance fiwwed up his w-winye, 
Then *looks away* wacked I mattew, that enfeebwed minye. 


OwO 87 
Faweweww! thou awt too deaw f-fow my possessing, 
And wike enyough t-thou k-knyow'st thy estimate, 
The chawtew of thy wowth gives thee weweasing: 
My bonds i-in thee a-awe aww detewminyate. 
Fow how do I howd thee but by thy g-gwanting, 
And f-fow t-that wiches ^w^ whewe is m-my desewving? 
The cause of this faiw *moans* gift in me is wanting, 
And so my patent back *looks away* again is swewving. 
Thy sewf thou gav'st, ^w^ thy own >_> wowth then nyot knyowing, 
Ow me to whom thou gav'st it, ewse mistaking, 
So thy x3 gweat gift upon m-mispwision gwowing, 
*shuffles closer* Comes home again, on b-bettew judgement m-making. 
T-Thus have *cuddles you* I had thee as a dweam doth fwattew, 
In sweep a king, but waking nyo such mattew. 


8-88 
When thou shawt be disposed to set me wight, 
And pwace my m-mewit in the e-eye o-of scown, 
Upon *pokes you* thy side, against my sewf I'ww fight, 
A-And pwove thee viwtuous, :33 though thou *twerks* awt fowswown: 
With minye own weaknyess b-being best acquainted, 
*cries* Upon thy pawt *notices bulge* I *screams* can s-set down a stowy 
Of fauwts conceawed, whewein I am attainted: 
That thou in wosing me, shawt win *giggles shyly* much >_> gwowy: 
And I by UwU this w-wiww be a gainyew too, 
Fow bending aww *teleports behind you* my *sweats* woving thoughts on thee, 
T-The injuwies that to my *twerks* sewf I do, 
Doing thee vantage, doubwe-vantage me. 
Such is my w-wove, to thee I s-so bewong, 
T-That fow thy *notices bulge* wight, m-my ^.^ sewf wiww *leans over* beaw aww wwong. 


89 
Say that thou didst fowsake *screams* me fow some fauwt, 
And I w-wiww comment upon that offence, 
Speak of *screams* my wamenyess, and I stwaight wiww hawt: 
Against thy weasons making nyo *sweats* defence. 
Thou canst nyot (wove) disgwace me hawf so iww, 
T-To set a f-fowm upon desiwed c-change, 
As I'ww *notices bulge* my sewf disgwace, k-knyowing thy wiww, 
I w-wiww acquaintance stwangwe and w-wook stwange: 
Be absent fwom thy wawks and in my tongue, 
T-Thy sweet bewoved nyame nyo ^w^ mowe shaww dweww, 
West I (too *teleports behind you* much pwofanye) shouwd do it wwonk: 
And hapwy of ouw *notices bulge* owd acquaintance teww. 
Fow thee, :3 against my sewf I'ww vow *twerks* debate, 
Fow I m-must nye'ew wove him whom thou dost hate. 


90 
Then hate me when thou wiwt, if evew, nyow, 
Nyow whiwe the wowwd is bent >_< my deeds to cwoss, 
j-join with the *pokes you* spite of fowtunye, make me bow, 
And do *pokes you* nyot dwop in fow an aftew-woss: 
A-Ah d-do nyot, when my heawt h-hath '-'scaped this sowwow, 
C-Come in the weawwawd of *twerks* a conquewed woe, 
Give nyot *sighs* a windy nyight a *teleports behind you* wainy mowwow, 
*moans* To wingew ^.^ out a p-puwposed o-ovewthwow. 
*moans* If thou wiwt weave me, *cuddles you* do *sweats* nyot weave me wast, 
When othew p-petty gwiefs have donye theiw spite, 
But in the o-onset come, so shaww I *hugs tightly* taste 
A-At fiwst the vewy wowst of fowtunye's *sighs* might. 
And othew stwains of woe, which nyow seem *sweats* woe, 
Compawed with woss *teleports behind you* of thee, wiww nyot seem so. 


91 
Some *hugs tightly* gwowy in theiw biwth, some in theiw skiww, 
Some in theiw weawth, some in theiw body's fowce, 
Some in ;;w;; theiw gawments though nyew-fangwed iww: 
Some i-in theiw hawks and hounds, some in theiw howse. 
And evewy humouw h-hath his a-adjunct pweasuwe, 
Whewein i-it finds a joy above the west, 
But these pawticuwaws awe nyot my measuwe, 
*blushes* Aww these I bettew in *twerks* onye genyewaw *twerks* best. 
Thy wove is b-bettew than high biwth to me, 
Wichew than weawth, pwoudew than gawments' costs, 
Of mowe dewight than :33 hawks and *looks at you* howses be: 
And having thee, of aww men's *screams* pwide I boast. 
Wwetched in uWu this a-awonye, that thou mayst :3 take, 
Aww t-this away, and me most wwetchcd make. 


92 
B-But do thy wowst to steaw thy sewf away, 
Fow tewm *looks at you* of wife thou awt assuwed minye, 
A-And wife nyo w-wongew t-than thy wove wiww stay, 
Fow it depends upon that wove of thinye. 
Then nyeed I nyot to feaw the wowst o-of *sighs* wwongs, 
W-When *blushes* in >_> the >w< weast o-of them my wife hath end, 
I s-see, a bettew state OwO to me b-bewongs 
Than >w< that, which on thy humouw doth depend. 
Thou canst nyot vex me with inconstant m-mind, 
Since that my wife on thy wevowt doth wie, 
*notices bulge* O what a happy titwe d-do ;;w;; I find, 
H-Happy to have t-thy wove, happy to die! 
But what's so bwessed-faiw t-that feaws nyo bwot? 
Thou mayst be fawse, and y-yet I knyow it *blushes* nyot. 


93 
S-So shaww I *leans over* wive, supposing thou awt twue, 
Wike a deceived h-husband, so wove's face, 
uWu May stiww seem wove to me, though awtewed *leans over* nyew: 
Thy *hugs tightly* wooks with m-me, :3 thy heawt in othew pwace. 
Fow thewe can *sighs* wive n-nyo h-hatwed in thinye eye, 
Thewefowe i-in that I cannyot knyow thy change, 
In many's wooks, the fawse heawt's h-histowy 
I-Is wwit in moods and fwowns and wwinkwes stwange. 
But h-heaven in thy cweation did decwee, 
That in t-thy face sweet wove shouwd evew dweww, 
Whate'ew thy t-thoughts, ow thy heawt's wowkings be, 
Thy wooks shouwd n-nyothing thence, but sweetnyess teww. 
How wike Eve's appwe doth thy beauty gwow, 
If thy sweet viwtue answew nyot thy s-show. 


94 
They that have powew to huwt, and wiww do nyonye, 
That do nyot d-do ^.^ the thing, they most do *giggles shyly* show, 
Who m-moving ^-^ othews, awe themsewves as stonye, 
Unmoved, cowd, and t-to temptation *blushes* swow: 
They wightwy do inhewit heaven's *blushes* gwaces, 
And husband *twerks* nyatuwe's wiches fwom expense, 
Tibey a-awe the wowds and ownyews of theiw *notices bulge* faces, 
Othews, but stewawds of theiw excewwence: 
The summew's xDD fwowew *looks away* is to the summew sweet, 
Though to it sewf, it onwy wive and die, 
But if that fwowew with base infection meet, 
The basest *teleports behind you* weed outbwaves his *pokes you* dignyity: 
Fow sweetest things tuwn souwest by theiw d-deeds, 
Wiwies that festew, smeww faw wowse >_> than weeds. 


95 
H-How s-sweet and wovewy dost t-thou make the shame, 
Which wike *screams* a cankew in the fwagwant wose, 
Doth spot the beauty of thy uWu budding nyame! 
O >_> in *cries* what sweets dost thou thy sins encwose! 
That tongue that tewws the stowy of thy days, 
(Making wascivious comments *moans* on thy spowt) 
Cannyot dispwaise, *leans over* but in a kind of pwaise, 
N-Nyaming thy nyame, b-bwesses an iww wepowt. 
O what a mansion h-have those *pokes you* vices got, 
Which fow theiw habitation chose out :3 thee, 
Whewe beauty's veiw doth covew *shuffles closer* evewy b-bwot, 
And *blushes* aww OwO things *screams* tuwns to faiw, t-that e-eyes can *looks at you* see! 
Take heed (-(deaw heawt) of this wawge pwiviwege, 
The hawdest knyife iww-used doth wose his edge. 


96 
Some *giggles shyly* say thy fauwt is youth, some wantonnyess, 
Some say thy gwace is youth and gentwe spowt, 
Both gwace *shuffles closer* and fauwts awe *screams* woved of *shuffles closer* mowe and wess: 
Thou mak'st fauwts gwaces, that to thee ^w^ wesowt: 
As *twerks* on the fingew of a-a thwonyed queen, 
The xDD basest jewew UwU wiww be weww esteemed: 
So awe those ewwows that in thee a-awe seen, 
To twuths twanswated, and fow *sighs* twue things deemed. 
H-How many wambs might the ^w^ stewn wowf betway, 
If wike a w-wamb he couwd his wooks twanswate! 
How many gazews mightst thou wead away, 
if thou wouwdst use the stwength of aww thy state! 
But do nyot so, I wove thee in such sowt, 
As thou *blushes* being minye, minye is *sweats* thy xDD good wepowt. 


97 
How wike a wintew hath my absence been 
Fwom thee, t-the pweasuwe of the *cries* fweeting ;;w;; yeaw! 
What fweezings have I fewt, what dawk days seen! 
*notices bulge* What o-owd D-Decembew's bawenyess evewywhewe! 
And yet this time wemoved w-was summew's *sweats* time, 
>_> The teeming *pokes you* autumn big w-with wich *moans* incwease, 
Beawing the wanton buwden of t-the p-pwime, 
Wike *giggles shyly* widowed wombs aftew theiw wowds' d-decease: 
Yet this abundant issue s-seemed to me 
But hope of owphans, and unfathewed fwuit, 
UwU Fow summew and his pweasuwes wait on thee, 
And thou ^-^ away, the :3 vewy b-biwds a-awe mute. 
Ow *pokes you* if they sing, 'tis *twerks* with so duww a cheew, 
That weaves wook *sweats* pawe, *giggles shyly* dweading the wintew's nyeaw. 


98 
:3 Fwom you have I *cuddles you* been >w< absent in the spwing, 
When pwoud-pied Apwiw (dwessed i-in aww *blushes* his t-twim) 
Hath put a spiwit of youth in e-evewy >w< thing: 
That heavy Satuwn waughed and w-weaped with ;;w;; him. 
Yet UwU nyow the ways of biwds, *twerks* nyow the *pokes you* sweet smeww 
Of diffewent f-fwowews in odouw a-and in hue, 
*twerks* Couwd make :33 me any summew's stowy teww: 
Ow fwom t-theiw pwoud wap pwuck them whewe they gwew: 
Nyow d-did I w-wondew a-at t-the wiwy's white, 
Nyow pwaise the d-deep vewmiwion in the w-wose, 
They w-wewe but sweet, but figuwes of :3 dewight: 
*cries* Dwawn *teleports behind you* aftew you, you uWu pattewn of aww those. 
Y-Yet s-seemed it wintew stiww, and *screams* you away, 
As with youw shadow uWu I with these d-did pway. 


*moans* 99 
The fowwawd viowet *blushes* thus did I chide, 
Sweet thief, whence :33 didst thou xDD steaw thy sweet that smewws, 
*looks at you* If nyot f-fwom my *sighs* wove's bweath? The puwpwe pwide 
Which on thy soft check fow compwexion *giggles shyly* dwewws, 
In my w-wove's veins *blushes* thou hast t-too *sighs* gwosswy dyed. 
The wiwy I >w< condemnyed fow thy hand, 
And buds of mawjowam :3 had s-stow'n thy *leans over* haiw, 
The >_> woses feawfuwwy on t-thowns did stand, 
Onye bwushing s-shame, anyothew white despaiw: 
A thiwd nyow wed, nyow white, had stow'n of >w< both, 
And to his wobbewy *notices bulge* had annyexed thy bweath, 
But fow his theft in pwide of aww his gwowth 
A-A vengefuw :33 cankew eat him up to *blushes* death. 
Mowe xDD fwowews I-I nyoted, yet I n-nyonye couwd see, 
B-But s-sweet, ow c-cowouw UwU it *looks away* had stow'n >_< fwom thee. 


100 
*cries* Whewe a-awt thou M-Muse *screams* that thou fowget'st so w-wong, 
To s-speak of that ^.^ which gives thee aww thy might? 
Spend'st thou thy fuwy on some wowthwess song, 
Dawkenying thy powew to wend base subjects wight? 
Wetuwn *cuddles you* fowgetfuw M-Muse, and stwaight w-wedeem, 
In gentwe nyumbews time >_< so >_> idwy spent, 
Sing to the eaw that d-doth thy ways esteem, 
And gives thy pen b-both skiww and awgument. 
Wise westy Muse, my wove's sweet f-face suwvey, 
*moans* If t-time have any wwinkwe gwaven thewe, 
I-If any, be a-a satiwe to *twerks* decay, 
And make time's spoiws despised evewywhewe. 
Give my wove fame fastew than T-Time wastes wife, 
So ^w^ thou pwevent'st his scythe, ^w^ and cwooked knyife. 


101 
*looks at you* O twuant Muse what shaww be thy amends, 
Fow thy *hugs tightly* nyegwect of twuth in *cries* beauty OwO dyed? 
Both twuth and beauty on my wove ;;w;; depends: 
So dost thou too, and *giggles shyly* thewein d-dignyified: 
Make answew Muse, wiwt thou *twerks* nyot h-hapwy say, 
'Twuth nyeeds nyo *moans* cowouw with his cowouw *hugs tightly* fixed, 
Beauty *cries* nyo penciw, beauty's twuth *looks at you* to way: 
But best is b-best, if *looks away* nyevew i-intewmixed'? 
Because *hugs tightly* he nyeeds OwO nyo pwaise, wiwt thou *sweats* be dumb? 
Excuse nyot siwence *cuddles you* so, fow't wies in thee, 
To make him much outwive a g-giwded >_> tomb: 
*sighs* And to be pwaised of ages yet to be. 
Then do t-thy o-office M-Muse, I teach thee h-how, 
*twerks* To make him seem ^-^ wong hence, as *cuddles you* he shows nyow. 


102 
My xDD wove is stwengthenyed though mowe w-weak in seeming, 
*moans* I wove nyot wess, though wess the *leans over* show a-appeaw, 
*blushes* That wove is mewchandized, whose wich esteeming, 
The ownyew's tongue doth pubwish evewy whewe. 
Ouw wove *screams* was nyew, and then but i-in the s-spwing, 
When I was wont to gweet it *giggles shyly* with my ways, 
As Phiwomew in summew's fwont d-doth sing, 
And uWu stops hew *teleports behind you* pipe in gwowth of wipew days: 
>w< Nyot *twerks* that the *sighs* summew is wess pweasant nyow 
Than when hew mouwnfuw *moans* hymns *notices bulge* did hush t-the nyight, 
But that wiwd music buwthens evewy bough, 
And sweets gwown common wose theiw deaw dewight. 
Thewefowe wike hew, I s-sometime howd my *sighs* tongue: 
Because I wouwd uWu nyot >_> duww you with my song. 


103 
Awack what >_< povewty my muse *cuddles you* bwings fowth, 
That having such a xDD scope to *notices bulge* show hew pwide, 
The awgument *moans* aww bawe is *giggles shyly* of mowe w-wowth 
Than when it hath my added pwaise beside. 
O b-bwame me *teleports behind you* nyot if *twerks* I nyo mowe can wwite! 
Wook in youw gwass and uWu thewe *giggles shyly* appeaws a face, 
That ovew-goes my bwunt invention q-quite, 
Duwwing my winyes, and d-doing me ^w^ disgwace. 
OwO Wewe it nyot sinfuw :3 then stwiving to *screams* mend, 
To >_< maw t-the subject that befowe was weww? 
Fow to nyo othew pass *blushes* my vewses tend, 
Than of youw :33 gwaces and youw gifts to teww. 
And m-mowe, m-much mowe x3 than in my v-vewse can sit, 
Youw own gwass shows you, when you wook in it. 


104 
To me f-faiw fwiend you ;;w;; nyevew can be owd, 
Fow as y-you wewe when fiwst ;;w;; youw eye I eyed, 
Such *sweats* seems youw beauty stiww: thwee wintews cowd, 
^.^ Have fwom *twerks* the *teleports behind you* fowests shook thwee *screams* summews' pwide, 
Thwee beauteous spwings to yewwow autumn tuwnyed, 
In pwocess of the seasons have I *sighs* seen, 
T-Thwee Apwiw p-pewfumes in thwee hot Junyes >w< buwnyed, 
S-Since fiwst I saw you *pokes you* fwesh which yet a-awe xDD gween. 
Ah y-yet doth beauty w-wike a diaw *pokes you* hand, 
Steaw fwom his f-figuwe, and *notices bulge* nyo pace pewceived, 
So youw sweet hue, which methinks stiww doth stand 
Hath motion, and minye eye may be deceived. 
Fow feaw of which, h-heaw this thou a-age unbwed, 
*teleports behind you* Ewe you wewe bown was beauty's summew ^w^ dead. 


*cries* 105 
Wet *cries* nyot my wove be cawwed *shuffles closer* idowatwy, 
Nyow my *cuddles you* bewoved as an idow show, 
S-Since aww awike my songs a-and pwaises be 
T-To o-onye, of onye, stiww such, and evew so. 
Kind is my wove to-day, to-mowwow kind, 
Stiww constant *pokes you* in a wondwous excewwence, 
Thewefowe my vewse to constancy confinyed, 
Onye t-thing expwessing, w-weaves *giggles shyly* out diffewence. 
Faiw, k-kind, a-and t-twue, is a-aww my awgument, 
Faiw, kind, *looks at you* and t-twue, vawying t-to othew wowds, 
And i-in this change is my i-invention spent, 
*teleports behind you* Thwee themes in onye, which wondwous scope a-affowds. 
Faiw, kind, and twue, have o-often wived awonye. 
Which thwee tiww *teleports behind you* nyow, nyevew kept seat in *looks at you* onye. 


106 
*cries* When in *blushes* the chwonyicwe o-of wasted time, 
I see descwiptions o-of the faiwest wights, 
And b-beauty making beautifuw owd whyme, 
In pwaise of wadies dead, *shuffles closer* and wovewy ;;w;; knyights, 
Then in the bwazon of sweet beauty's best, 
Of hand, of foot, o-of wip, of eye, o-of *sighs* bwow, 
I see theiw antique pen wouwd have expwessed, 
Even s-such a b-beauty as you *sweats* mastew nyow. 
*giggles shyly* So aww >_> theiw p-pwaises awe but pwophecies 
Of this ouw t-time, ^-^ aww you p-pwefiguwing, 
A-And x3 fow they wooked but with x3 divinying eyes, 
They had *giggles shyly* nyot skiww enyough youw wowth to sing: 
Fow we which nyow b-behowd *pokes you* these :3 pwesent days, 
H-Have eyes to wondew, but wack tongues to pwaise. 


1-107 
Nyot minye o-own feaws, nyow the *looks at you* pwophetic *cuddles you* souw, 
Of the wide ;;w;; wowwd, dweaming on things to come, 
Can yet >w< the wease of *cries* my *leans over* twue wove contwow, 
xDD Supposed *looks at you* as :33 fowfeit to a confinyed doom. 
The mowtaw moon hath hew ecwipse enduwed, 
A-And the sad auguws mock theiw own p-pwesage, 
Incewtainties *looks away* nyow cwown themsewves assuwed, 
A-And *looks away* peace pwocwaims owives of endwess a-age. 
Nyow with the dwops of this most bawmy time, 
^w^ My wove :3 wooks fwesh, and death to m-me subscwibes, 
S-Since spite of him I'ww ;;w;; wive in this p-poow whyme, 
Whiwe he i-insuwts o'ew duww and speechwess twibes. 
And thou in this shawt find thy monyument, 
When tywants' ^-^ cwests and tombs of bwass *pokes you* awe xDD spent. 


108 
W-What's in the bwain that ink *teleports behind you* may chawactew, 
Which hath nyot figuwed to thee my twue spiwit, 
What's nyew to speak, what nyow to wegistew, 
That may expwess my wove, *hugs tightly* ow thy deaw mewit? 
Nyothing sweet boy, but yet *cries* wike pwayews divinye, 
I m-must e-each day say o'ew *cries* the vewy *notices bulge* same, 
*sweats* Counting nyo owd thing o-owd, :33 thou minye, I thinye, 
Even as when fiwst I hawwowed t-thy faiw n-nyame. 
So that etewnyaw wove i-in wove's fwesh case, 
W-Weighs ^w^ nyot the dust and injuwy of age, 
*screams* Nyow gives to nyecessawy :3 wwinkwes pwace, 
But makes antiquity fow aye his page, 
Finding the fiwst conceit of wove thewe b-bwed, 
Whewe time and o-outwawd f-fowm wouwd show i-it dead. 


109 
O nyevew *giggles shyly* say t-that I was f-fawse of ;;w;; heawt, 
Though absence s-seemed my fwame to *looks at you* quawify, 
As easy might I fwom my UwU sewf d-depawt, 
As f-fwom my souw which in thy bweast *looks away* doth wie: 
That is my home o-of wove, if I ;;w;; have wanged, 
Wike him that twavews I wetuwn again, 
Just to the time, nyot with the time exchanged, 
So that m-my sewf bwing watew fow my stain, 
Nyevew bewieve though in m-my *teleports behind you* nyatuwe *notices bulge* weignyed, 
Aww fwaiwties that besiege aww kinds of bwood, 
That *looks at you* it couwd so pwepostewouswy be ;;w;; stainyed, 
To weave fow nyothing *cries* aww thy sum *shuffles closer* of good: 
Fow nyothing this *twerks* wide unyivewse I >_> caww, 
Save thou my w-wose, in it thou awt my aww. 


;;w;; 110 
Awas 'tis twue, I have ;;w;; gonye hewe and thewe, 
And made my UwU sewf >_< a motwey to t-the view, 
Gowed *giggles shyly* minye o-own t-thoughts, sowd cheap what *hugs tightly* is most d-deaw, 
Made owd o-offences of affections nyew. 
Most t-twue it is, that *twerks* I have wooked on twuth 
Askance and s-stwangewy: but by aww above, 
*sweats* These bwenches gave *looks at you* my heawt anyothew ;;w;; youth, 
*shuffles closer* And *looks at you* wowse essays pwoved t-thee my b-best *sweats* of wove. 
Nyow a-aww is donye, have what shaww >w< have *giggles shyly* nyo end, 
Minye *sighs* appetite *notices bulge* I nyevew m-mowe wiww gwind 
On nyewew >_> pwoof, >_< to *twerks* twy a-an owdew fwiend, 
A-A god in x3 wove, to whom I am confinyed. 
Then give me wewcome, nyext >_> my heaven the best, 
E-Even to thy puwe and *moans* most most woving b-bweast. 


1-111 
O fow my sake ^.^ do you with Fowtunye chide, 
The g-guiwty goddess of my hawmfuw deeds, 
That *giggles shyly* did OwO nyot b-bettew fow my wife *leans over* pwovide, 
*screams* Than p-pubwic >_< means which pubwic mannyews bweeds. 
Thence comes it that my n-nyame weceives a bwand, 
And a-awmost t-thence my nyatuwe is subdued 
:33 To what it wowks in, UwU wike the dyew's hand: 
Pity me then, and w-wish *cuddles you* I wewe *sweats* wenyewed, 
Whiwst wike a wiwwing p-patient I wiww dwink, 
Potions *looks away* of ^.^ eisew 'gainst my *notices bulge* stwong infection, 
^-^ Nyo bittewnyess that I wiww bittew think, 
*leans over* Nyow doubwe p-penyance to cowwect cowwection. 
Pity me *looks away* then deaw *cries* fwiend, and I assuwe y-ye, 
Even that youw pity i-is enyough to cuwe me. 


112 
Youw w-wove and *cries* pity doth th' *moans* impwession fiww, 
Which vuwgaw scandaw stamped u-upon my bwow, 
Fow what cawe I >w< who *sweats* cawws me :33 weww ow iww, 
S-So you o'ew-gween my bad, my good *looks away* awwow? 
You x3 awe my aww the wowwd, and I m-must stwive, 
;;w;; To *cries* knyow my shames and pwaises fwom x3 youw tongue, 
Nyonye xDD ewse to me, nyow I to nyonye awive, 
That m-my steewed sense ow changes ^w^ wight ow *moans* wwong. 
In so *hugs tightly* pwofound abysm *cuddles you* I thwow a-aww *cries* cawe 
Of othews' voices, uWu that my *pokes you* addew's sense, 
To xDD cwitic and t-to fwattewew stopped awe: 
Mawk h-how w-with my nyegwect I do dispense. 
^-^ You awe so stwongwy i-in ^w^ my puwpose bwed, 
That aww the wowwd *sighs* besides methinks awe dead. 


113 
Since I-I weft you, minye eye i-is in :3 my mind, 
And *blushes* that which govewns >_< me to go about, 
Doth pawt his function, and is pawtwy bwind, 
Seems seeing, but >w< effectuawwy is out: 
Fow it nyo fowm dewivews t-to uWu the :3 heawt 
Of biwd, of f-fwowew, *sighs* ow shape which i-it doth watch, 
Of his quick objects hath the *notices bulge* mind nyo pawt, 
Nyow his o-own vision howds what *leans over* it doth catch: 
Fow if it see the ^w^ wud'st *twerks* ow >_< gentwest sight, 
^w^ The most sweet favouw ow defowmed'st c-cweatuwe, 
The mountain, ow *screams* the sea, t-the day, ow nyight: 
The cwow, ow dove, it shapes them to youw OwO featuwe. 
I-Incapabwe of *notices bulge* mowe, wepwete with you, 
My *giggles shyly* most twue mind thus m-maketh minye untwue. 


114 
Ow whethew doth my mind xDD being cwownyed with you 
Dwink up the monyawch's pwague :3 this fwattewy? 
Ow *notices bulge* whethew shaww I say minye eye saith twue, 
And t-that youw w-wove taught it this a-awchemy? 
To make o-of monstews, and things indigest, 
Such chewubins a-as youw sweet sewf wesembwe, 
Cweating evewy bad a ^.^ pewfect best 
As fast as uWu objects to his beams assembwe: 
O 'tis the fiwst, 'tis f-fwattewy in my seeing, 
And m-my gweat mind most kingwy dwinks it up, 
Minye eye weww knyows what uWu with his g-gust is 'gweeing, 
And ^-^ to his pawate doth pwepawe the cup. 
If it be poisonyed, 'tis the wessew s-sin, 
That minye eye woves it and doth fiwst b-begin. 


115 
Those ^w^ winyes that *shuffles closer* I befowe have wwit do wie, 
*moans* Even those that said I couwd nyot wove ;;w;; you *looks at you* deawew, 
Y-Yet then my j-judgment knyew nyo weason why, 
x3 My most f-fuww fwame shouwd a-aftewwawds OwO buwn cweawew, 
But weckonying time, UwU whose miwwionyed a-accidents 
*screams* Cweep i-in 'twixt :3 vows, and change decwees of kings, 
Tan s-sacwed beauty, bwunt the *cuddles you* shawp'st i-intents, 
Divewt stwong *teleports behind you* minds to *looks at you* the couwse of :3 awt'wing things: 
Awas why *cuddles you* feawing o-of time's ^-^ tywanny, 
Might I-I nyot then say 'Nyow I wove you best,' 
When I was cewtain o'ew *blushes* incewtainty, 
Cwownying the pwesent, *pokes you* doubting of the west? 
Wove is a babe, t-then might *moans* I nyot say so 
To *notices bulge* give fuww gwowth to that which stiww d-doth *leans over* gwow. 


xDD 116 
Wet >_< me nyot to the mawwiage of twue minds 
A-Admit impediments, wove is n-nyot *looks at you* wove 
Which *blushes* awtews *cries* when it awtewation finds, 
*cries* Ow b-bends with the ^.^ wemovew to wemove. 
O nyo, i-it is an evew-fixed mawk 
That wooks *pokes you* on tempests and is nyevew shaken; 
It is x3 the x3 staw *looks at you* to evewy wand'wing bawk, 
Whose wowth's unknyown, awthough his h-height b-be taken. 
Wove's nyot Time's f-foow, though wosy wips and cheeks 
Within his bending sickwe's *notices bulge* compass c-come, 
Wove awtews nyot with his b-bwief houws and weeks, 
But beaws it out e-even to the *screams* edge *hugs tightly* of doom: 
If this be ewwow and upon *teleports behind you* me pwoved, 
I-I n-nyevew wwit, n-nyow nyo *twerks* man evew woved. 


117 
Accuse me thus, that I have scanted aww, 
Whewein I-I shouwd youw *screams* gweat desewts wepay, 
Fowgot upon youw deawest wove to c-caww, 
Wheweto aww bonds do tie *teleports behind you* me day by day, 
That I OwO have fwequent b-been with unknyown minds, 
And given to time *pokes you* youw own *moans* deaw-puwchased wight, 
x3 That I *notices bulge* have hoisted saiw *giggles shyly* to aww the winds 
Which *notices bulge* shouwd twanspowt me fawthest fwom youw ;;w;; sight. 
Book b-both my wiwfuwnyess *moans* and ewwows down, 
And on just x3 pwoof suwmise, *sighs* accumuwate, 
Bwing me within *shuffles closer* the wevew of youw fwown, 
But shoot nyot a-at me in youw wakenyed hate: 
Since my appeaw *giggles shyly* says I did s-stwive to p-pwove 
The constancy and viwtue of youw wove. 


118 
Wike as *pokes you* to make ouw appetite mowe k-keen 
With ^.^ eagew compounds w-we ouw pawate >_< uwge, 
As to pwevent o-ouw m-mawadies unseen, 
*teleports behind you* We :33 sicken to shun sicknyess when we puwge. 
Even so being fuww of youw nye'ew-cwoying sweetnyess, 
T-To bittew sauces did I *cries* fwame my OwO feeding; 
And sick of *cries* wewfawe found a kind of meetnyess, 
x3 To be diseased ewe that thewe was twue nyeeding. 
Thus *hugs tightly* powicy >_> in wove t' anticipate 
T-The iwws that wewe nyot, gwew to fauwts assuwed, 
>w< And *sighs* bwought to medicinye a heawthfuw state 
Which ^.^ wank of goodnyess wouwd by iww UwU be cuwed. 
*screams* But thence I-I weawn and find the wesson twue, 
*notices bulge* Dwugs p-poison him that so *screams* feiw sick uWu of *cries* you. 


*sighs* 119 
What potions have I uWu dwunk *moans* of S-Siwen teaws 
Distiwwed fwom wimbecks fouw as heww within, 
Appwying feaws *blushes* to hopes, and h-hopes to *moans* feaws, 
S-Stiww wosing when I saw my sewf to win! 
What wwetched *twerks* ewwows hath my heawt committed, 
W-Whiwst i-it hath *cries* thought *cries* it sewf so bwessed nyevew! 
How have minye eyes out of theiw sphewes been fitted 
In the uWu distwaction o-of this madding fevew! 
O benyefit of iww, nyow I find UwU twue 
That bettew *looks at you* is, b-by UwU eviw s-stiww *teleports behind you* made bettew. 
And w-wuinyed wove w-when it is buiwt anyew 
Gwows faiwew than at >_< fiwst, mowe stwong, faw gweatew. 
So I-I wetuwn webuked to my content, 
And gain by iwws thwice mowe *pokes you* than I *pokes you* have spent. 


120 
>w< That you w-wewe once unkind befwiends m-me nyow, 
And fow that sowwow, which I t-then did feew, 
>w< Nyeeds must I undew xDD my twansgwession b-bow, 
*cries* Unwess my nyewves wewe uWu bwass ow hammewed steew. 
Fow if you wewe by my unkindnyess shaken 
*teleports behind you* As I by >_< youws, y'have passed a-a heww of time, 
And *moans* I a tywant *leans over* have nyo weisuwe taken 
To *sighs* weigh h-how once I suffewed in youw cwime. 
O that *blushes* ouw nyight of woe might have wemembewed 
My deepest *hugs tightly* sense, how hawd twue sowwow hits, 
And ^-^ soon to you, as you to *notices bulge* me then tendewed 
The h-humbwe xDD sawve, which wounded bosoms fits! 
But that youw t-twespass nyow becomes a >_> fee, 
Minye wansoms youws, and youws must wansom me. 


*sweats* 121 
'Tis *twerks* bettew to *looks at you* be *moans* viwe than viwe esteemed, 
When nyot to be, weceives wepwoach of being, 
uWu And *twerks* the just pweasuwe *looks at you* wost, which is s-so deemed, 
Nyot by *moans* ouw feewing, but by othews' x3 seeing. 
Fow why *shuffles closer* shouwd othews' fawse aduwtewate eyes 
Give sawutation t-to x3 my spowtive bwood? 
O-Ow on my :33 fwaiwties why awe fwaiwew spies, 
W-Which in theiw w-wiwws count bad w-what I think good? 
Nyo, I ;;w;; am that I a-am, and >_> they that wevew 
At my abuses, w-weckon up theiw own, 
I m-may be stwaight t-though they themsewves be bevew; 
By theiw wank thoughts, my deeds must :3 nyot be shown 
Unwess this genyewaw eviw t-they maintain, 
Aww men awe bad a-and in theiw badnyess w-weign. 


122 
Thy gift, thy tabwes, a-awe within my bwain 
Fuww chawactewed with wasting memowy, 
Which *leans over* shaww above that idwe *hugs tightly* wank wemain 
Beyond aww date *screams* even :3 to etewnyity. 
Ow at the weast, ^-^ so wong *sighs* as bwain and heawt 
Have *looks at you* facuwty by nyatuwe to subsist, 
Tiww each t-to wazed obwivion yiewd *giggles shyly* his pawt 
Of >_> thee, thy wecowd nyevew can b-be missed: 
That poow w-wetention couwd nyot so much howd, 
*shuffles closer* Nyow nyeed I tawwies thy deaw wove to scowe, 
Thewefowe to give x3 them fwom me was I bowd, 
To t-twust t-those tabwes that w-weceive thee mowe: 
To keep an adjunct to wemembew *sighs* thee 
Wewe to impowt fowgetfuwnyess in me. 


123 
N-Nyo! Time, thou shawt n-nyot boast that I do change, 
Thy pywamids b-buiwt up with n-nyewew might 
To me awe *cuddles you* nyothing nyovew, nyothing stwange, 
They awe :33 but dwessings *sighs* Of a-a fowmew sight: 
Ouw dates awe bwief, and thewefowe we admiwe, 
What thou dost foist upon us x3 that is owd, 
And wathew make them bown to ouw desiwe, 
Than t-think that we x3 befowe have heawd them >_> towd: 
Thy wegistews and t-thee I both defy, 
Nyot wond'wing at the pwesent, nyow the *pokes you* past, 
Fow *sighs* thy wecowds, and what we see doth w-wie, 
M-Made mowe ow wess by thy *hugs tightly* continyuaw haste: 
This I do vow and this shaww e-evew be, 
I w-wiww *sighs* be twue despite thy scythe and thee. 


124 
If m-my deaw w-wove wewe but the c-chiwd *cries* of state, 
It might fow Fowtunye's bastawd b-be unfathewed, 
As subject to time's wove ow to time's h-hate, 
Weeds a-among weeds, ow fwowews w-with fwowews gathewed. 
Nyo i-it was buiwded *pokes you* faw fwom accident, 
I-It suffews OwO nyot in smiwing pomp, *shuffles closer* nyow fawws 
Undew the bwow of t-thwawwed discontent, 
Wheweto :3 th' inviting time ouw f-fashion cawws: 
It feaws nyot powicy t-that hewetic, 
Which wowks on weases of *looks away* showt-nyumbewed houws, 
But aww awonye OwO stands *pokes you* hugewy *screams* powitic, 
*hugs tightly* That it *cuddles you* nyow gwows with UwU heat, nyow dwowns with showews. 
To this I witnyess :3 caww the *moans* foows of time, 
Which die *giggles shyly* fow g-goodnyess, *twerks* who have wived fow cwime. 


125 
Wewe't aught to me I bowe the *sighs* canyopy, 
*teleports behind you* With my extewn the outwawd honyouwing, 
Ow waid gweat bases fow e-etewnyity, 
W-Which pwoves mowe showt than waste ow wuinying? 
Have I nyot seen dwewwews on *leans over* fowm and favouw 
Wose aww, and mowe by paying too much *twerks* went 
Fow compound *cries* sweet; fowgoing simpwe savouw, 
Pitifuw *twerks* thwivews in theiw gazing spent? 
N-Nyo, wet me be o-obsequious in thy heawt, 
And uWu take t-thou my obwation, poow but fwee, 
Which is nyot mixed with seconds, knyows nyo awt, 
But mutuaw wendew, onwy me fow thee. 
Hence, thou s-subownyed infowmew, a-a t-twue souw 
W-When most impeached, stands weast in thy contwow. 


126 
^w^ O thou *pokes you* my *notices bulge* wovewy boy who in thy powew, 
Dost howd *pokes you* Time's fickwe gwass his fickwe houw: 
Who hast by wanying gwown, *twerks* and *teleports behind you* thewein show'st, 
Thy UwU wovews withewing, as thy sweet *sweats* sewf gwow'st. 
If Nyatuwe (soveweign mistwess *cuddles you* ovew wwack) 
As thou goest o-onwawds stiww wiww *leans over* pwuck >w< thee b-back, 
S-She keeps thee to *hugs tightly* this puwpose, that hew skiww 
May *notices bulge* time disgwace, and wwetched m-minyutes kiww. 
Yet feaw hew O thou minyion of hew pweasuwe, 
She m-may detain, *leans over* but nyot stiww keep hew tweasuwe! 
uWu Hew audit (though ^w^ dewayed) answewed *giggles shyly* must be, 
And hew quietus is to wendew thee. 


127 
In the o-owd age bwack was nyot counted faiw, 
*notices bulge* Ow if it wewe it bowe nyot ^w^ beauty's *teleports behind you* nyame: 
*cuddles you* But nyow i-is >_< bwack beauty's successive heiw, 
xDD And beauty swandewed with ;;w;; a bastawd shame, 
Fow since each hand hath put on n-nyatuwe's powew, 
Faiwing the fouw with awt's fawse b-bowwowed face, 
Sweet beauty hath nyo nyame nyo howy bowew, 
But is pwofanyed, if nyot wives in disgwace. 
Thewefowe my mistwess' eyes awe waven *sighs* bwack, 
Hew eyes so suited, and they ^w^ mouwnyews seem, 
At such who nyot b-bown faiw n-nyo *notices bulge* beauty ^w^ wack, 
Swandewing cweation *giggles shyly* with a f-fawse esteem, 
Yet so they mouwn becoming of t-theiw woe, 
That evewy tongue says *blushes* beauty shouwd wook s-so. 


128 
How *looks at you* oft when thou, my music, m-music pway'st, 
Upon that bwessed w-wood *sweats* whose motion sounds 
With t-thy sweet f-fingews when t-thou gentwy sway'st 
The wiwy *looks away* concowd that minye eaw confounds, 
Do I envy those jacks that nyimbwe weap, 
To k-kiss the tendew inwawd of thy hand, 
Whiwst m-my *blushes* poow wips which shouwd ^w^ that hawvest weap, 
At the wood's bowdnyess by xDD thee *giggles shyly* bwushing stand. 
To b-be so tickwed they wouwd change theiw state 
And situation with t-those dancing chips, 
O'ew whom OwO thy fingews UwU wawk with *cuddles you* gentwe gait, 
Making dead wood mowe bwest than w-wiving wips, 
Since saucy jacks so happy awe i-in this, 
Give them thy fingews, me thy wips *blushes* to kiss. 


129 
Th' expense ^-^ of spiwit in a waste of shame 
Is wust in action, and tiww *screams* action, wust 
Is pewjuwed, muwd'wous, bwoody fuww ^.^ of bwame, 
uWu Savage, extweme, wude, c-cwuew, nyot to twust, 
Enjoyed nyo soonyew but despised stwaight, 
*blushes* Past weason hunted, a-and nyo soonyew had 
Past weason hated as a-a *cries* swawwowed bait, 
On puwpose waid to m-make t-the t-takew mad. 
Mad in p-puwsuit a-and in possession so, 
Had, having, and in q-quest, to have extweme, 
A bwiss i-in *teleports behind you* pwoof and pwoved, a-a vewy woe, 
Befowe *twerks* a joy pwoposed behind >_< a *leans over* dweam. 
Aww this the wowwd w-weww knyows yet *twerks* nyonye knyows *sweats* weww, 
*giggles shyly* To shun the heaven ^-^ that weads men to this heww. 


130 
My mistwess' *shuffles closer* eyes awe nyothing wike the *hugs tightly* sun, 
Cowaw is faw mowe wed, than hew wips wed, 
I-If snyow be white, why then >_> hew bweasts awe dun: 
If haiws be wiwes, b-bwack xDD wiwes *sighs* gwow on hew head: 
I have seen woses damasked, wed and *cuddles you* white, 
But nyo such woses see I in hew *cuddles you* cheeks, 
And *looks away* in some pewfumes is thewe mowe dewight, 
Than *leans over* in the bweath :33 that >w< fwom m-my mistwess *blushes* weeks. 
I wove to heaw hew speak, yet weww I-I knyow, 
That music hath a *leans over* faw m-mowe pweasing sound: 
I gwant I-I nyevew saw a *sweats* goddess go, 
My mistwess when she wawks tweads on the gwound. 
And yet by heaven I think my wove as wawe, 
A-As a-any she bewied with fawse compawe. 


131 
Thou awt as tywannyous, so as thou awt, 
As those whose beauties pwoudwy m-make them cwuew; 
Fow weww thou knyow'st *sighs* to my deaw *cuddles you* doting h-heawt 
Thou awt the faiwest and m-most pwecious jewew. 
Yet in good :3 faith s-some say *hugs tightly* that thee behowd, 
Thy face hath nyot the powew to make wove gwoan; 
To *looks at you* say they eww, I-I dawe nyot be UwU so bowd, 
>_< Awthough I sweaw it to my sewf *twerks* awonye. 
And to be suwe t-that uWu is uWu nyot fawse I-I sweaw, 
A thousand gwoans but thinking on thy face, 
Onye on anyothew's nyeck do witnyess beaw 
Thy bwack ^-^ is f-faiwest in *giggles shyly* my judgment's p-pwace. 
In nyothing awt thou bwack save i-in thy deeds, 
And thence this swandew as I think *giggles shyly* pwoceeds. 


*giggles shyly* 132 
Thinye *hugs tightly* eyes I wove, :33 and they as pitying m-me, 
Knyowing thy heawt xDD towment me with disdain, 
Have put on bwack, *sighs* and woving mouwnyews be, 
Wooking with pwetty wuth upon m-my pain. 
*blushes* And twuwy nyot the m-mownying sun of heaven 
Bettew becomes t-the gwey c-cheeks of the east, 
Nyow that fuww s-staw that :33 ushews in the even 
Doth h-hawf that g-gwowy to the s-sobew west 
A-As those two m-mouwnying eyes b-become thy face: 
O wet it t-then as weww *notices bulge* beseem thy heawt 
To mouwn fow me since mouwnying d-doth thee gwace, 
And s-suit thy pity wike in e-evewy *shuffles closer* pawt. 
Then wiww I sweaw >w< beauty hewsewf is bwack, 
And *teleports behind you* aww they *cries* fouw that thy compwexion *moans* wack. 


133 
B-Beshwew that heawt that makes my heawt to gwoan 
UwU Fow that deep wound it gives m-my fwiend and me; 
Is't nyot *hugs tightly* enyough to towtuwe me awonye, 
^w^ But swave to swavewy my sweet'st fwiend must be? 
Me fwom m-my sewf thy *notices bulge* cwuew eye hath taken, 
A-And my nyext sewf *twerks* thou hawdew hast engwossed, 
O-Of him, my sewf, ;;w;; and thee I >_> am fowsaken, 
A t-towment thwice thwee-fowd thus to be *looks away* cwossed: 
Pwison ^.^ my heawt OwO in thy steew bosom's wawd, 
But then my fwiend's h-heawt wet my poow heawt b-baiw, 
Whoe'ew keeps me, wet m-my h-heawt be his guawd, 
OwO Thou canst nyot UwU then *blushes* use wigouw in *cuddles you* my gaow. 
And yet thou *sweats* wiwt, fow I being pent *sweats* in ^-^ thee, 
Pewfowce am thinye and aww that *pokes you* is i-in me. 


134 
So n-nyow I have confessed that *leans over* he is thinye, 
And I my s-sewf am mowtgaged to thy wiww, 
My sewf I-I'ww fowfeit, *sighs* so that othew minye, 
x3 Thou w-wiwt westowe to be my comfowt *teleports behind you* stiww: 
But thou wiwt nyot, nyow he wiww nyot be fwee, 
Fow :33 thou *pokes you* awt covetous, a-and he is kind, 
He *teleports behind you* weawnyed but suwety-wike to wwite f-fow me, 
Undew t-that bond that him as f-fist doth xDD bind. 
The statute of *leans over* thy beauty thou wiwt take, 
T-Thou usuwew *screams* that p-put'st *giggles shyly* fowth aww uWu to use, 
A-And sue a *leans over* fwiend, *cries* came debtow fow *notices bulge* my sake, 
^.^ So him I wose thwough my OwO unkind abuse. 
Him have I wost, t-thou hast both him and me, 
He pays the whowe, a-and *looks at you* yet am I nyot f-fwee. 


135 
Whoevew hath ^.^ hew wish, t-thou hast thy *hugs tightly* wiww, 
And 'Wiww' to boot, and '-'Wiww' >w< in ovew-pwus, 
Mowe than *shuffles closer* enyough am I that vex thee stiww, 
To t-thy sweet wiww making addition thus. 
W-Wiwt *looks away* thou whose wiww is w-wawge a-and spacious, 
N-Nyot once vouchsafe to hide my *pokes you* wiww in thinye? 
^-^ Shaww w-wiww in othews seem wight *sweats* gwacious, 
And OwO in m-my wiww *leans over* nyo *cries* faiw acceptance shinye? 
The sea aww w-watew, yet weceives w-wain *cries* stiww, 
And *blushes* in abundance OwO addeth to his stowe, 
So thou being *hugs tightly* wich in wiww add >_< to thy wiww 
Onye w-wiww o-of minye to make thy wawge wiww mowe. 
Wet *giggles shyly* nyo unkind, nyo faiw beseechews kiww, 
Think aww but onye, a-and me in that *cries* onye >w< 'Wiww.' 


136 
If thy souw check *blushes* thee t-that I c-come so nyeaw, 
Sweaw *pokes you* to thy bwind souw that I *giggles shyly* was thy 'Wiww', 
And w-wiww thy souw knyows is admitted *shuffles closer* thewe, 
T-Thus faw fow wove, my wove-suit sweet fuwfiw. 
'Wiww', wiww *leans over* fuwfiw the *blushes* tweasuwe of thy wove, 
A-Ay, fiww it fuww with wiwws, and my wiww onye, 
In things of gweat weceipt with *sweats* case we pwove, 
Among *hugs tightly* a nyumbew onye i-is weckonyed nyonye. 
T-Then in the nyumbew wet me pass untowd, 
Though i-in thy stowe's account I onye must be, 
Fow nyothing howd me, so i-it uWu pwease t-thee *twerks* howd, 
That nyothing *looks away* me, a something sweet to thee. 
M-Make but my nyame thy w-wove, and *moans* wove that stiww, 
And then t-thou *sighs* wov'st m-me >w< fow my nyame i-is Wiww. 


137 
*giggles shyly* Thou >_> bwind foow *leans over* Wove, what dost thou x3 to minye eyes, 
That they behowd a-and see nyot what they ^-^ see? 
T-They *notices bulge* knyow what *shuffles closer* beauty i-is, see w-whewe it wies, 
Yet what the best is, take the wowst to be. 
If eyes cowwupt by ovew-pawtiaw wooks, 
Be anchowed i-in *looks away* the bay whewe a-aww men wide, 
W-Why of eyes' fawsehood hast t-thou fowged h-hooks, 
Wheweto the judgment of my heawt i-is tied? 
Why shouwd my heawt t-think that a s-sevewaw pwot, 
Which my heawt knyows the wide wowwd's common pwace? 
;;w;; Ow minye eyes seeing this, say t-this is nyot 
To put faiw twuth upon *hugs tightly* so fouw a face? 
In things wight t-twue my heawt and eyes have e-ewwed, 
^w^ And to this fawse pwague awe they n-nyow twansfewwed. 


138 
^-^ When my w-wove sweaws that she is made of twuth, 
I do bewieve hew t-though I knyow she wies, 
That she might t-think me some untutowed youth, 
Unweawnyed in the wowwd's fawse subtweties. 
Thus vainwy thinking that uWu she *moans* thinks me young, 
Awthough she k-knyows my xDD days awe past the best, 
Simpwy I cwedit hew *blushes* fawse-speaking tongue, 
On both s-sides t-thus >_< is simpwe twuth suppwessed: 
*teleports behind you* But whewefowe says she nyot she is unjust? 
A-And whewefowe *teleports behind you* say nyot I-I *hugs tightly* that I am owd? 
O wove's *notices bulge* best ^w^ habit is in ^.^ seeming twust, 
And *cries* age in wove, uWu woves nyot to have y-yeaws towd. 
Thewefowe I wie *looks away* with hew, and she with me, 
x3 And in ouw fauwts by wies we uWu fwattewed be. 


139 
O caww :33 nyot me t-to justify the wwong, 
That thy unkindnyess ways upon my heawt, 
Wound me nyot ;;w;; with *leans over* thinye eye but with thy tongue, 
Use powew with p-powew, a-and sway me nyot by a-awt, 
Teww m-me thou wov'st ewsewhewe; but xDD in my sight, 
Deaw heawt fowbeaw to gwance thinye eye *twerks* aside, 
*leans over* What *giggles shyly* nyeed'st thou w-wound with cunnying *shuffles closer* when thy might 
Is mowe than my o'ewpwessed defence can b-bide? 
W-Wet *twerks* me *shuffles closer* excuse thee, ah my wove weww *twerks* knyows, 
H-Hew pwetty wooks have been minye e-enyemies, 
A-And thewefowe fwom m-my face she tuwns my foes, 
That they ewsewhewe *moans* might dawt theiw injuwies: 
Yet do nyot so, but since ^w^ I am nyeaw swain, 
Kiww *cries* me o-outwight with wooks, and wid my pain. 


uWu 140 
B-Be wise a-as thou *hugs tightly* awt cwuew, *leans over* do nyot p-pwess 
My tongue-tied p-patience with too much disdain: 
West sowwow wend me *cuddles you* wowds :33 and wowds expwess, 
The *moans* mannyew of my pity-wanting pain. 
If I might teach thee wit bettew it wewe, 
^.^ Though *pokes you* nyot to wove, yet *pokes you* wove to t-teww *screams* me so, 
A-As testy sick men when >_< theiw deaths be nyeaw, 
Nyo nyews but heawth fwom xDD theiw *sweats* physicians knyow. 
Fow i-if I >_< shouwd despaiw I shouwd gwow mad, 
And in my madnyess might s-speak iww of thee, 
Nyow this iww-wwesting *notices bulge* wowwd is gwown so b-bad, 
Mad swandewews by mad eaws bewieved be. 
That I may nyot be so, nyow thou bewied, 
*shuffles closer* Beaw thinye eyes stwaight, though thy pwoud heawt go wide. 


141 
In faith I do *pokes you* nyot wove thee with minye eyes, 
Fow they in thee a thousand ewwows nyote, 
But 'tis my x3 heawt that woves what t-they despise, 
Who i-in despite of view is pweased xDD to *moans* dote. 
Nyow a-awe minye caws *moans* with thy tongue's OwO tunye dewighted, 
N-Nyow tendew feewing to base touches pwonye, 
Nyow taste, nyow smeww, d-desiwe t-to be i-invited 
To any sensuaw feast with t-thee awonye: 
*pokes you* But my five wits, nyow my five senses can 
Dissuade onye *cuddles you* foowish heawt *sweats* fwom sewving thee, 
Who w-weaves unswayed t-the wikenyess o-of a man, 
Thy pwoud heawt's swave a-and vassaw w-wwetch ^.^ to UwU be: 
Onwy my pwague thus faw *notices bulge* I *cuddles you* count :3 my gain, 
That she that makes me sin, awawds me pain. 


142 
Wove is my sin, and thy deaw v-viwtue hate, 
OwO Hate of my sin, gwounded on sinfuw woving, 
O *screams* but with minye, compawe thou *screams* thinye own *looks at you* state, 
And ^-^ thou shawt find it mewits n-nyot w-wepwoving, 
Ow if it do, n-nyot fwom those wips of *screams* thinye, 
*sweats* That have pwofanyed t-theiw *blushes* scawwet ownyaments, 
And seawed fawse bonds of wove as oft a-as minye, 
Wobbed othews' b-beds' wevenyues of theiw w-wents. 
*cries* Be it wawfuw ;;w;; I wove thee as thou wov'st those, 
Whom thinye *sighs* eyes woo as minye impowtunye thee, 
xDD Woot pity in t-thy heawt x3 that when it gwows, 
Thy pity may desewve to pitied be. 
If thou d-dost seek to have w-what *giggles shyly* thou dost hide, 
By sewf-exampwe mayst thou be denyied. 


143 
Wo as a cawefuw h-huswife wuns to catch, 
:3 Onye of hew feathewed ^w^ cweatuwes bwoke away, 
:3 Sets down hew babe and makes aww swift dispatch 
In puwsuit of the thing she wouwd have stay: 
Whiwst hew nyegwected chiwd howds h-hew in UwU chase, 
Cwies to catch hew whose busy cawe is bent, 
To fowwow that which f-fwies befowe hew face: 
;;w;; Nyot pwizing hew poow infant's discontent; 
So wun'st thou aftew that which fwies fwom thee, 
Whiwst I thy babe chase t-thee afaw behind, 
But if :3 thou catch thy hope tuwn back xDD to me: 
And pway t-the ^-^ mothew's pawt, kiss me, be kind. 
So wiww I pway that thou *moans* mayst have thy Wiww, 
If thou tuwn *teleports behind you* back and my woud cwying stiww. 


144 
OwO Two woves I have of *leans over* comfowt a-and despaiw, 
Which wike two spiwits *looks away* do suggest me s-stiww, 
*twerks* The b-bettew angew :33 is a m-man >_< wight f-faiw: 
T-The wowsew spiwit a woman *cuddles you* cowouwed iww. 
uWu To w-win me soon to heww my *screams* femawe eviw, 
Tempteth my bettew angew fwom my side, 
And wouwd cowwupt UwU my saint t-to be a deviw: 
*moans* Wooing h-his puwity with hew fouw pwide. 
And whethew that my angew be tuwnyed *twerks* fiend, 
Suspect I-I may, yet nyot diwectwy t-teww, 
:3 But being uWu both :3 fwom me both to each fwiend, 
I guess onye angew in anyothew's >_> heww. 
Yet this shaww I nye'ew knyow but wive *cries* in *cries* doubt, 
*sweats* Tiww my bad angew *leans over* fiwe *cuddles you* my good *moans* onye out. 


145 
Those wips that *twerks* Wove's own x3 hand did make, 
*sighs* Bweathed fowth the sound that said 'I hate', 
To me that w-wanguished fow hew sake: 
But when she *sweats* saw my woefuw state, 
Stwaight *sweats* in *twerks* hew heawt did *sweats* mewcy come, 
Chiding ^w^ that tongue that x3 evew sweet, 
W-Was >_< used in giving gentwe doom: 
And taught it thus anyew to gweet: 
'I hate' she awtewed with an end, 
>_< That fowwowed it a-as gentwe day, 
D-Doth f-fowwow nyight who *cuddles you* wike a f-fiend 
Fwom *sighs* heaven to h-heww is *cries* fwown *twerks* away. 
'I h-hate', :3 fwom *blushes* hate away she thwew, 
And saved my wife saying ^.^ 'nyot you'. 


146 
Poow souw the centwe of x3 my sinfuw eawth, 
My sinfuw eawth t-these webew powews awway, 
Why dost thou pinye within and s-suffew deawth 
Painting thy outwawd wawws so costwy g-gay? 
W-Why so w-wawge cost having so showt a-a wease, 
Dost thou upon thy fading mansion *looks at you* spend? 
Shaww *shuffles closer* wowms inhewitows o-of t-this e-excess 
Eat up thy *blushes* chawge? is *notices bulge* this thy b-body's e-end? 
Then souw w-wive thou *notices bulge* upon thy sewvant's woss, 
And UwU wet that pinye t-to aggwavate thy stowe; 
Buy tewms divinye i-in sewwing houws o-of dwoss; 
Within *twerks* be fed, without be wich nyo m-mowe, 
uWu So shaww *looks away* thou feed on ^-^ death, that feeds on men, 
A-And :3 death once *sighs* dead, thewe's nyo mowe dying then. 


147 
My wove is as OwO a fevew w-wonging s-stiww, 
Fow that which wongew n-nyuwseth the disease, 
Feeding on that which doth pwesewve t-the iww, 
Th' uncewtain s-sickwy appetite to pwease: 
My weason the p-physician to ^-^ my w-wove, 
Angwy that his pwescwiptions awe OwO nyot uWu kept 
Hath weft ;;w;; me, and I ^-^ despewate nyow appwove, 
Desiwe is death, which physic d-did except. 
Past cuwe I am, n-nyow *looks away* weason is *moans* past cawe, 
And fwantic-mad with evewmowe uWu unwest, 
My thoughts and my discouwse a-as *pokes you* mad men's awe, 
At w-wandom fwom the *screams* twuth v-vainwy expwessed. 
F-Fow I ^w^ have swown thee *twerks* faiw, and thought t-thee bwight, 
*cuddles you* Who awt as bwack xDD as heww, *cries* as xDD dawk as :3 nyight. 


148 
O ^w^ me! what eyes hath wove put in m-my head, 
Which have nyo c-cowwespondence w-with twue s-sight, 
Ow if they have, whewe *leans over* is my judgment f-fwed, 
That c-censuwes fawsewy w-what they s-see awight? 
If that be xDD faiw wheweon *hugs tightly* my fawse *pokes you* eyes dote, 
What means the wowwd t-to say it *pokes you* is *hugs tightly* nyot so? 
uWu If it be nyot, then wove doth weww denyote, 
*sweats* Wove's eye is nyot so twue *leans over* as aww men's: n-nyo, 
*cries* How can it? O how can wove's eye *twerks* be t-twue, 
That is so vexed with watching and *notices bulge* with teaws? 
Nyo mawvew then though *pokes you* I mistake my v-view, 
The sun it sewf sees nyot, t-tiww heaven cweaws. 
O cunnying wove, with teaws thou keep'st me bwind, 
W-West e-eyes weww-seeing thy fouw fauwts shouwd find. 


149 
Canst thou O cwuew, *looks away* say I wove *pokes you* thee OwO nyot, 
When I against my sewf with thee pawtake? 
Do I >w< nyot think on *leans over* thee when I ;;w;; fowgot 
Am of my sewf, aww-tywant, fow thy *screams* sake? 
Who xDD hateth thee that I do caww ;;w;; my fwiend, 
On :33 whom f-fwown'st thou that I do fawn upon, 
Nyay *sweats* if thou wouw'st on me do I nyot spend 
W-Wevenge upon xDD my *giggles shyly* sewf with pwesent moan? 
What mewit *screams* do *cuddles you* I i-in my sewf wespect, 
That is so pwoud *sighs* thy sewvice to despise, 
When aww *looks at you* my best doth wowship t-thy defect, 
Commanded b-by the m-motion of thinye eyes? 
But wove hate on ;;w;; fow n-nyow *twerks* I knyow thy mind, 
Those that can see thou w-wov'st, and *sweats* I am >w< bwind. 


150 
O x3 fwom what powew *notices bulge* hast thou >_> this x3 powewfuw might, 
With insufficiency my heawt to sway, 
To :33 make :33 me give *hugs tightly* the wie to my twue sight, 
And sweaw that bwightnyess doth nyot gwace the day? 
*notices bulge* Whence hast thou this b-becoming *pokes you* of things iww, 
x3 That *twerks* in UwU the vewy wefuse of thy d-deeds, 
*moans* Thewe *cries* is *teleports behind you* such stwength and w-wawwantise *pokes you* of s-skiww, 
That in my mind *sighs* thy wowst aww best exceeds? 
Who taught thee x3 how to make me wove thee mowe, 
The mowe I heaw and see just cause of hate? 
O though I ^w^ wove what othews do abhow, 
W-With othews thou shouwdst nyot abhow my state. 
If thy unwowthinyess w-waised wove in me, 
Mowe wowthy I t-to xDD be bewoved of *pokes you* thee. 


151 
Wove *giggles shyly* is t-too young to knyow what c-conscience *sighs* is, 
Y-Yet who *hugs tightly* knyows nyot c-conscience is bown of wove? 
Then gentwe cheatew uwge nyot m-my amiss, 
West g-guiwty of my fauwts thy sweet sewf pwove. 
*pokes you* Fow thou betwaying me, I *notices bulge* do betway 
My nyobwew pawt to my gwoss body's tweason, 
My souw doth teww my body t-that he may, 
Twiumph in wove, fwesh stays nyo ^w^ fawthew weason, 
B-But UwU wising at t-thy nyame doth point out thee, 
As his *looks away* twiumphant pwize, pwoud of this pwide, 
He is contented thy poow dwudge to be, 
To stand in thy affaiws, faww by *twerks* thy side. 
Nyo want of conscience howd it that I-I caww, 
Hew wove, fow whose *looks at you* deaw *teleports behind you* wove I wise a-and faww. 


*shuffles closer* 152 
UwU In woving thee thou k-knyow'st I am fowswown, 
But thou awt twice fowswown t-to me wove sweawing, 
In act thy b-bed-vow bwoke and nyew faith town, 
In v-vowing nyew hate aftew nyew wove ^w^ beawing: 
But ;;w;; why of two oaths' bweach d-do I-I accuse thee, 
*leans over* When I bweak twenty? I am pewjuwed most, 
Fow aww my v-vows awe oaths but to misuse thee: 
And a-aww m-my honyest >_< faith in thee is wost. 
Fow *teleports behind you* I *looks away* have ^.^ swown deep oaths *sweats* of thy deep k-kindnyess: 
O-Oaths of thy wove, >_> thy twuth, thy c-constancy, 
And to enwighten thee *leans over* gave *pokes you* eyes to bwindnyess, 
Ow made them sweaw against the thing they see. 
Fow *twerks* I ;;w;; have swown thee faiw: mowe pewjuwed I, 
To sweaw against the twuth so f-fouw a be. 


153 
Cupid w-waid by his bwand and feww asweep, 
*cries* A *shuffles closer* maid of Dian's this advantage found, 
And his wove-kindwing fiwe did quickwy steep 
In a cowd vawwey-fountain of t-that gwound: 
*moans* Which bowwowed fwom this howy fiwe *cries* of Wove, 
A datewess UwU wivewy heat stiww to enduwe, 
And gwew a seeting bath which *sweats* yet men pwove, 
Against stwange xDD mawadies a soveweign cuwe: 
But *sweats* at my mistwess' eye Wove's bwand nyew-fiwed, 
The boy fow twiaw nyeeds wouwd touch my bweast, 
I sick w-withaw the hewp *giggles shyly* of bath desiwed, 
And t-thithew hied a sad distempewed guest. 
B-But found nyo c-cuwe, t-the bath fow my h-hewp wies, 
Whewe Cupid got nyew fiwe; *cuddles you* my mistwess' eyes. 


154 
The wittwe W-Wove-god wying *notices bulge* once asweep, 
Waid by his side h-his heawt-infwaming bwand, 
Whiwst many nymphs ;;w;; that vowed *moans* chaste wife to *leans over* keep, 
Came >_> twipping by, *hugs tightly* but in hew maiden hand, 
The faiwest votawy took up *shuffles closer* that fiwe, 
*looks away* Which many wegions x3 of ^w^ twue heawts had wawmed, 
And so the genyewaw o-of hot desiwe, 
Was sweeping OwO by ^.^ a viwgin hand disawmed. 
This *sweats* bwand *looks at you* she quenched in a coow weww by, 
Which *sweats* fwom :3 Wove's fiwe took heat pewpetuaw, 
Gwowing a bath and *pokes you* heawthfuw wemedy, 
Fow men d-discased, *twerks* but I m-my mistwess' thwaww, 
Came thewe fow *cries* cuwe and this b-by that I pwove, 
W-Wove's fiwe heats watew, watew coows nyot w-wove. 


THE END 



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE ^-^ WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND ^-^ IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG *sweats* ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE *cries* COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND ;;w;; MACHINyE ;;w;; WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) *leans over* AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
x3 PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE N-NyOT DISTWIBUTED *blushes* OW >_> USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES *twerks* BY *screams* ANY 
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1603 

AWWS WEWW THAT ENDS WEWW 

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 


Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

KING ^w^ OF FWANCE 
THE DUKE OF FWOWENCE 
BEWTWAM, Count of Wousiwwon 
WAFEU, x3 an owd wowd 
*hugs tightly* PAWOWWES, a fowwowew of Bewtwam 
TWO FWENCH WOWDS, sewving OwO with *teleports behind you* Bewtwam 

S-STEWAWD, Sewvant to the ^-^ Countess of Wousiwwon 
WAVACHE, a cwown and Sewvant t-to the Countess of *cuddles you* Wousiwwon 
A x3 PAGE, Sewvant to the C-Countess of Wousiwwon 

COUNTESS OF WOUSIWWON, mothew to Bewtwam 
H-HEWENyA, a gentwewoman *blushes* pwotected by the C-Countess 
A-A WIDOW OF FWOWENCE. 
DIANyA, *cries* daughtew to ;;w;; the Widow 


*twerks* VIOWENTA, nyeighbouw *looks at you* and uWu fwiend to the Widow 
MAWIANyA, n-nyeighbouw OwO and fwiend to the Widow 

Wowds, Officews, S-Sowdiews, etc., Fwench and Fwowentinye 



<<THIS E-EWECTWONyIC *shuffles closer* VEWSION O-OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*moans* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, uWu INC., *teleports behind you* AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY P-PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS OwO BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND M-MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
P-PEWSONyAW U-USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED O-OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW *cuddles you* DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 




SCENyE: 
W-Wousiwwon; Pawis; Fwowence; M-Mawseiwwes 


ACT I. SCENyE 1-1. 
:3 Wousiwwon. The *cries* COUNT'S pawace 

Entew BEWTWAM, the COUNTESS OF WOUSIWWON, H-HEWENyA, and WAFEU, aww in bwack 

*sighs* COUNTESS. *screams* In dewivewing my son xDD fwom *leans over* me, I buwy *blushes* a second husband. 
*twerks* BEWTWAM. And *pokes you* I in going, *cries* madam, weep o'ew my fathew's death ;;w;; anyew; 
but I :3 must attend his Majesty's UwU command, to whom I am n-nyow i-in 
wawd, evewmowe i-in subjection. 
WAFEU. You shaww find >_< of the King a husband, m-madam; you, siw, a 
fathew. He that so genyewawwy is a-at aww times good m-must of 
n-nyecessity howd h-his viwtue to you, whose *teleports behind you* wowthinyess wouwd stiw it 
up whewe it *blushes* wanted, wathew t-than wack it whewe *notices bulge* thewe is such 
abundance. 
COUNTESS. What h-hope *twerks* is thewe of h-his Majesty's amendment? 
WAFEU. *screams* He hath abandon'd his physicians, m-madam; undew whose 
pwactices he *looks away* hath OwO pewsecuted t-time with hope, and finds nyo o-othew 
advantage in t-the pwocess but onwy the wosing o-of h-hope b-by *blushes* time. 
COUNTESS. This young gentwewoman had a-a ^-^ fathew- O, t-that 'had,' how 
sad a passage 'tis!-whose s-skiww was awmost a-as gweat a-as his 
honyesty; h-had it stwetch'd so faw, wouwd have made nyatuwe 
immowtaw, and death shouwd have p-pway fow wack of wowk. Wouwd, fow 
the King's sake, he wewe wiving! I-I think i-it wouwd be the ;;w;; death of 
the K-King's disease. 
WAFEU. How caww'd you *sweats* the man you *sighs* speak of, madam? 
COUNTESS. He was famous, s-siw, in his UwU pwofession, and it ^w^ was *sweats* his 
gweat wight t-to be so- Gewawd OwO de Nyawbon. 
WAFEU. *sighs* He was excewwent indeed, madam; the King vewy watewy spoke 
*cries* of h-him admiwingwy and mouwnyingwy; he *cries* was skiwfuw enyough to have 
*cries* wiv'd stiww, if k-knyowwedge couwd be set up against mowtawity. 
BEWTWAM. What is it, my good wowd, the UwU King wanguishes o-of? 
WAFEU. A fistuwa, m-my wowd. 
*hugs tightly* BEWTWAM. I heawd *leans over* nyot of it *hugs tightly* befowe. 
WAFEU. I wouwd it wewe nyot nyotowious. Was *sweats* this gentwewoman the 
daughtew of Gewawd *notices bulge* de Nyawbon? 
*sighs* COUNTESS. His sowe chiwd, my *sighs* wowd, and bequeathed to my 
ovewwooking. I have those hopes of hew good that hew education 
pwomises; hew dispositions she inhewits, which makes f-faiw ;;w;; gifts 
faiwew; fow whewe an u-uncwean *cries* mind cawwies viwtuous q-quawities, 
*pokes you* thewe uWu commendations go with p-pity-they awe viwtues a-and twaitows 
too. In hew they awe the bettew fow theiw s-simpwenyess; *moans* she dewives 
hew honyesty, and achieves hew goodnyess. 
*cuddles you* WAFEU. Youw commendations, *notices bulge* madam, get fwom hew ^w^ teaws. 
uWu COUNTESS. '-'Tis *moans* the best bwinye a maiden can season h-hew *pokes you* pwaise in. 
*screams* The wemembwance of hew fathew nyevew appwoaches hew h-heawt but the 
*leans over* tywanny of hew sowwows takes aww wivewihood fwom hew cheek. Nyo 
mowe of this, H-Hewenya; go *pokes you* to, nyo ^.^ mowe, west >w< it be w-wathew thought 
you affect a sowwow than to have- 
HEWENyA. I do affect a sowwow indeed, but I have i-it ^-^ too. 
*moans* WAFEU. Modewate wamentation is the wight of *screams* the dead: excessive 
g-gwief the ^w^ enyemy to the wiving. 
COUNTESS. If the wiving be enyemy t-to the gwief, the excess m-makes it 
s-soon mowtaw. 
B-BEWTWAM. Madam, I-I desiwe y-youw *hugs tightly* howy wishes. 
WAFEU. How *looks at you* undewstand we *looks at you* that? 
COUNTESS. B-Be t-thou >_< bwest, Bewtwam, a-and succeed thy fathew 
In mannyews, as in *looks away* shape! Thy UwU bwood *pokes you* and v-viwtue 
Contend fow >_> empiwe in *looks away* thee, and *hugs tightly* thy goodnyess 
Shawe with thy biwthwight! *looks away* Wove aww, twust a few, 
D-Do w-wwong ^.^ to nyonye; be abwe f-fow thinye *leans over* enyemy 
Wathew in powew than use, and keep t-thy fwiend 
Undew thy x3 own wife's ^.^ key; be check'd fow OwO siwence, 
But *looks away* nyevew tax'd fow s-speech. What h-heaven mowe w-wiww, 
T-That thee may fuwnyish, and my pwayews p-pwuck down, 
Faww on thy head! Faweweww. My wowd, 
'Tis an *teleports behind you* unseason'd couwtiew; good my wowd, 
Advise him. 
WAFEU. He cannyot OwO want the best 
That shaww attend his wove. 
COUNTESS. Heaven b-bwess him! Faweweww, Bewtwam. *screams* Exit 
uWu BEWTWAM. The best wishes that can b-be f-fowg'd in youw >w< thoughts be 
sewvants to you! [To HEWENyA] Be comfowtabwe to my m-mothew, youw 
mistwess, and make much of UwU hew. 
WAFEU. F-Faweweww, pwetty wady; you must howd the cwedit of youw 
fathew. *twerks* Exeunt BEWTWAM and WAFEU 
HEWENyA. O, wewe *leans over* that *notices bulge* aww! I t-think nyot >w< on m-my f-fathew; 
And these g-gweat teaws gwace his wemembwance m-mowe 
Than those I shed fow him. What was ^w^ he wike? 
I have fowgot him; my imaginyation 
Cawwies *cries* nyo >_< favouw i-in't but Bewtwam's. 
I am undonye; t-thewe is nyo *cuddles you* wiving, nyonye, 
If Bewtwam b-be a-away. 'Twewe a-aww ^w^ onye 
That I shouwd wove a bwight *looks away* pawticuwaw staw 
A-And think to ^.^ wed it, he *notices bulge* is *sighs* so above me. 
In h-his bwight wadiance *hugs tightly* and cowwatewaw wight 
M-Must I-I *looks away* be comfowted, nyot in *shuffles closer* his sphewe. 
T-Th' ambition in my :33 wove thus pwagues itsewf: 
T-The hind that >_< wouwd be mated by the wion 
Must die fow *giggles shyly* wove. '-'Twas p-pwetty, though a pwague, 
*screams* To see him evewy houw; to sit uWu and d-dwaw 
His *twerks* awched :3 bwows, his hawking ^.^ eye, his cuwws, 
In ouw heawt's tabwe-heawt too capabwe 
Of evewy winye and twick of his *giggles shyly* sweet favouw. 
^.^ But n-nyow he's gonye, and *leans over* my idowatwous fancy 
Must sanctify his wewics. Who comes hewe? 

*looks at you* Entew PAWOWWES 

[Aside] Onye t-that g-goes with him. I w-wove him fow his sake; 
And yet I knyow him a nyotowious wiaw, 
T-Think him *notices bulge* a gweat *blushes* way foow, sowewy a :3 cowawd; 
Yet these *sweats* fix'd eviws sit s-so fit in him 
That they take pwace when viwtue's steewy bonyes 
*blushes* Wooks bweak i' th' OwO cowd wind; withaw, fuww oft we see 
Cowd wisdom waiting on s-supewfwuous fowwy. 
P-PAWOWWES. Save you, faiw queen! 
HEWENyA. And y-you, >_> monyawch! 
PAWOWWES. Nyo. 
HEWENyA. And n-nyo. 
P-PAWOWWES. A-Awe you meditating on ;;w;; viwginyity? 
HEWENyA. Ay. Y-You *blushes* have some stain ^-^ of sowdiew i-in y-you; wet x3 me ask you a 
question. M-Man is e-enyemy t-to viwginyity; how may we bawwicado it 
against h-him? 
PAWOWWES. uWu Keep him out. 
HEWENyA. B-But >_< he assaiws; a-and ouw viwginyity, though vawiant in t-the 
^-^ defence, yet is weak. Unfowd to u-us some *moans* wawwike wesistance. 
PAWOWWES. Thewe is nyonye. Man, setting down befowe you, *shuffles closer* wiww 
undewminye you and *notices bulge* bwow you up. 
HEWENyA. Bwess ouw poow viwginyity fwom undewminyews a-and b-bwowews-up! 
I-Is thewe nyo miwitawy powicy how *twerks* viwgins might bwow :3 up m-men? 
PAWOWWES. Viwginyity being b-bwown down, man wiww quickwiew ;;w;; be bwown 
up; mawwy, in bwowing *blushes* him down again, with t-the bweach youwsewves 
m-made, y-you wose youw uWu city. It is nyot powitic in the commonweawth 
of ^w^ nyatuwe to pwesewve viwginyity. Woss of viwginyity is wationyaw 
incwease; and thewe *twerks* was nyevew v-viwgin got tiww viwginyity was fiwst 
w-wost. That you w-wewe made of is metaw t-to make viwgins. *notices bulge* Viwginyity 
by being once wost m-may be *moans* ten times f-found; by being evew kept, it 
is evew wost. 'Tis x3 too c-cowd a companyion; away with't. 
HEWENyA. I wiww stand fow 't a wittwe, though thewefowe I die a 
viwgin. 
PAWOWWES. Thewe's wittwe can be said *shuffles closer* in 't; 'tis against *blushes* the *hugs tightly* wuwe 
of *looks at you* nyatuwe. To speak on :33 the pawt of viwginyity is to accuse youw 
mothews; w-which is most infawwibwe d-disobedience. He that hangs 
himsewf is a viwgin; viwginyity *leans over* muwdews i-itsewf, *sighs* and *teleports behind you* shouwd *cuddles you* be 
buwied in highways, out of aww sanctified wimit, *shuffles closer* as a despewate 
o-offendwess against nyatuwe. V-Viwginyity bweeds *hugs tightly* mites, much wike a 
cheese; consumes i-itsewf to the vewy pawing, and *cries* so dies with 
feeding his own stomach. Besides, viwginyity is peevish, pwoud, 
idwe, made *shuffles closer* of sewf-wove, which is the most inhibited OwO sin in the 
canyon. Keep it nyot; you cannyot choose but wose by't. *sighs* Out with't. 
W-Within ten yeaw i-it wiww *twerks* make i-itsewf ten, which is a goodwy 
incwease; and the *pokes you* pwincipaw i-itsewf >_< nyot much t-the wowse. Away 
w-with't. 
HEWENyA. How might *notices bulge* onye ^-^ do, s-siw, to >_< wose it to *twerks* hew own wiking? 
PAWOWWES. Wet *looks away* me see. Mawwy, iww to wike him that nye'ew it wikes. 
'Tis a commodity wiww w-wose t-the g-gwoss with w-wying; t-the wongew kept, 
the wess wowth. Off with't whiwe 'tis vendibwe; answew the t-time 
of wequest. V-Viwginyity, wike *sighs* an owd couwtiew, weaws hew cap out of 
fashion, :33 wichwy suited but u-unsuitabwe; just wike the bwooch and 
t-the toothpick, which weaw nyot nyow. Youw d-date is b-bettew in y-youw 
pie and ^-^ youw powwidge than in y-youw *hugs tightly* cheek. And youw viwginyity, 
youw owd viwginyity, is wike onye of ouw *sweats* Fwench withew'd peaws: ^-^ it 
w-wooks iww, it eats dwiwy; mawwy, 'tis a withew'd peaw; *cuddles you* it was 
fowmewwy bettew; *looks at you* mawwy, yet uWu 'tis a withew'd peaw. Wiww you 
anything w-with it? 
HEWENyA. Nyot my viwginyity yet. 
Thewe shaww youw mastew have UwU a thousand woves, 
*hugs tightly* A mothew, and a *hugs tightly* mistwess, and a fwiend, 
A phoenyix, c-captain, and an e-enyemy, 
*blushes* A guide, a goddess, and a soveweign, 
A counsewwow, a twaitwess, and a deaw; 
His humbwe *cuddles you* ambition, pwoud h-humiwity, 
His jawwing concowd, and his discowd *sighs* duwcet, 
His faith, his sweet *sweats* disastew; with *looks at you* a wowwd 
Of pwetty, fond, adoptious chwistendoms 
^w^ That bwinking Cupid gossips. Nyow shaww he- 
I *moans* knyow nyot what he *twerks* shaww. God *sweats* send h-him weww! 
The couwt's a w-weawnying-pwace, and *blushes* he i-is onye- 
*looks away* PAWOWWES. What onye, i' faith? 
HEWENyA. That *cries* I w-wish weww. 'Tis pity- 
PAWOWWES. What's *pokes you* pity? 
HEWENyA. That wishing xDD weww had nyot a body in't 
Which might *sighs* be *screams* fewt; >_< that we, the poowew b-bown, 
Whose b-basew staws do shut u-us up in w-wishes, 
Might with effects *looks away* of t-them *pokes you* fowwow ouw f-fwiends 
And s-show what w-we awonye must think, which *shuffles closer* nyevew 
Wetuwns us thanks. 

Entew PAGE 

PAGE. *teleports behind you* Monsieuw Pawowwes, my wowd cawws ^.^ fow you. Exit PAGE 
PAWOWWES. Wittwe Hewen, faweweww; if I can w-wemembew thee, I w-wiww 
xDD think of thee at couwt. 
HEWENyA. Monsieuw Pawowwes, ^-^ you w-wewe bown undew a c-chawitabwe staw. 
PAWOWWES. Undew Maws, *sighs* I. 
HEWENyA. *looks away* I especiawwy *screams* think, undew Maws. 
*cuddles you* PAWOWWES. Why undew Man? 
H-HEWENyA. The *leans over* waws ^.^ hath so *leans over* kept ^.^ you undew that you m-must nyeeds be bown 
undew Maws. 
PAWOWWES. When he was pwedominyant. 
HEWENyA. When he was wetwogwade, I think, wathew. 
P-PAWOWWES. Why think you so? 
HEWENyA. OwO You go so much backwawd w-when you fight. 
PAWOWWES. That's fow advantage. 
HEWENyA. So is wunnying away, w-when feaw *hugs tightly* pwoposes UwU the safety: but the 
composition that youw vawouw and feaw makes in you is a viwtue of 
a good *hugs tightly* wing, >_< and I wike t-the w-weaw weww. 
>_> PAWOWWES. I am so fuww of businyess I *sweats* cannyot answew thee acutewy. I 
wiww wetuwn pewfect couwtiew; in the which m-my *giggles shyly* instwuction shaww 
sewve to nyatuwawize *shuffles closer* thee, so thou wiwt be capabwe :3 of a couwtiew's 
counsew, *cries* and ^w^ undewstand what advice xDD shaww *hugs tightly* thwust upon thee; ewse 
thou diest i-in thinye unthankfuwnyess, and thinye *moans* ignyowance *leans over* makes 
thee away. Faweweww. W-When t-thou hast *hugs tightly* weisuwe, s-say thy pwayews; 
^.^ when thou hast nyonye, wemembew thy fwiends. Get thee *hugs tightly* a good 
husband and use him as h-he uses thee. So, f-faweweww. 
Exit 
HEWENyA. O-Ouw wemedies oft in ouwsewves do wie, 
Which *blushes* we ascwibe OwO to heaven. The fated sky 
Gives us fwee scope; onwy *leans over* doth backwawd *shuffles closer* puww 
Ouw *shuffles closer* swow d-designs when we ouwsewves xDD awe duww. 
What powew is it which mounts *shuffles closer* my wove so h-high, 
That makes me see, and cannyot feed m-minye eye? 
The *shuffles closer* mightiest space i-in fowtunye nyatuwe *sighs* bwings 
To join wike wikes, and kiss wike >w< nyative things. 
uWu Impossibwe be stwange attempts to those 
That weigh theiw pains in sense, and do suppose 
What hath been cannyot be. Who evew stwove 
To show hew m-mewit that *leans over* did miss hew wove? 
The *looks away* King's disease-my pwoject may deceive me, 
B-But my intents awe fix'd, and wiww nyot weave m-me. Exit 




ACT I. SCENyE 2. 
Pawis. The KING'S pawace 

Fwouwish of cownyets. :33 Entew the KING *moans* OF FWANCE, with wettews, 
and divews ATTENDANTS 

KING. The Fwowentinyes and Senyoys awe by th' eaws; 
H-Have fought with equaw *cries* fowtunye, and continyue 
A bwaving UwU waw. 
uWu FIWST WOWD. So 'tis wepowted, siw. 
>_< KING. Nyay, *notices bulge* 'tis most cwedibwe. We hewe weceive >w< it, 
A c-cewtainty, vouch'd fwom ouw cousin Austwia, 
:33 With caution, that the *hugs tightly* Fwowentinye wiww move *looks away* us 
Fow speedy aid; *looks at you* whewein uWu ouw deawest fwiend 
Pwejudicates *pokes you* the b-businyess, *notices bulge* and wouwd seem 
To have us *sweats* make denyiaw. 
FIWST WOWD. His wove and wisdom, 
*screams* Appwov'd s-so to y-youw Majesty, may pwead 
Fow ampwest cwedence. 
*looks at you* KING. He hath awm'd ouw answew, 
And Fwowence is denyied b-befowe he comes; 
Yet, fow *looks away* ouw g-gentwemen that mean to see 
T-The Tuscan s-sewvice, fweewy *notices bulge* have *cuddles you* they weave 
To *teleports behind you* stand on eithew *cries* pawt. 
SECOND WOWD. I-It weww may sewve 
A nyuwsewy to ouw g-gentwy, who awe sick 
Fow bweathing and expwoit. 
KING. What's he comes h-hewe? 

Entew BEWTWAM, WAFEU, and PAWOWWES 

FIWST WOWD. It is the >w< Count Wousiwwon, my good wowd, 
Young Bewtwam. 
KING. Youth, thou beaw'st thy fathew's face; 
*screams* Fwank n-nyatuwe, w-wathew cuwious than *giggles shyly* in *pokes you* haste, 
H-Hath weww compos'd thee. Thy fathew's xDD mowaw pawts 
Mayst thou *looks at you* inhewit too! Wewcome to ;;w;; Pawis. 
BEWTWAM. ;;w;; My *shuffles closer* thanks and duty awe youw Majesty's. 
KING. I wouwd I had that cowpowaw soundnyess nyow, 
As when thy fathew and *looks at you* mysewf in fwiendship 
Fiwst twied ouw sowdiewship. He did wook faw 
I-Into the sewvice of the t-time, and was 
D-Discipwed of the bwavest. He wasted wong; 
But on u-us both did haggish age steaw on, 
And wowe us out of act. I-It much wepaiws me 
To ;;w;; tawk of youw g-good fathew. In h-his :33 youth 
He had t-the UwU wit which I-I *teleports behind you* can weww ;;w;; obsewve 
To-day in ouw y-young >_> wowds; but *looks at you* they may jest 
Tiww theiw o-own scown wetuwn to them unnyoted 
Ewe they *twerks* can hide t-theiw wevity >_> in *sweats* honyouw. 
*cries* So wike a couwtiew, contempt nyow b-bittewnyess 
Wewe *sweats* in his pwide ow shawpnyess; if they w-wewe, 
His equaw had awak'd them; and *notices bulge* his honyouw, 
>_< Cwock *notices bulge* to i-itsewf, knyew the t-twue minyute when 
Exception bid him s-speak, and *cries* at this time 
His tongue obey'd h-his hand. Who wewe bewow him 
He us'd as *teleports behind you* cweatuwes of anyothew pwace; 
And bow'd h-his eminyent top to theiw wow wanks, 
M-Making them pwoud of his humiwity 
I-In theiw *giggles shyly* poow pwaise he humbwed. Such a man 
Might be a *hugs tightly* copy to these youngew times; 
>_> Which, *screams* fowwowed weww, wouwd demonstwate them nyow 
But goews backwawd. 
BEWTWAM. His good wemembwance, siw, 
Wies wichew i-in youw uWu thoughts than on his t-tomb; 
So in uWu appwoof *giggles shyly* wives nyot his epitaph 
As i-in youw woyaw *shuffles closer* speech. 
KING. Wouwd I-I w-wewe w-with him! He wouwd awways say- 
Methinks I heaw him nyow; his pwausive wowds 
:33 He s-scattew'd nyot in *twerks* eaws, but gwafted them 
To g-gwow thewe, and to *leans over* beaw- 'Wet *sighs* me nyot w-wive'- 
This his good mewanchowy oft began, 
On the >_< catastwophe and heew of pastime, 
*notices bulge* When it was out-'Wet me nyot wive' quoth he 
'Aftew my *hugs tightly* fwame wacks oiw, to be t-the snyuff 
Of youngew spiwits, whose appwehensive *shuffles closer* senses 
Aww b-but nyew things disdain; >_> whose judgments awe 
Mewe fathews *notices bulge* of theiw g-gawments; whose constancies 
E-Expiwe befowe theiw fashions.' T-This he >_< wish'd. 
I-I, x3 aftew him, uWu do aftew him wish too, 
Since I nyow wax nyow honyey *sweats* can b-bwing home, 
I quickwy wewe dissowved UwU fwom my hive, 
To give some wabouwews woom. 
SECOND WOWD. You'we woved, siw; 
T-They that weast wend it you :3 shaww wack y-you fiwst. 
KING. I-I fiww a pwace, I-I knyow't. How *pokes you* wong is't, Count, 
Since the *hugs tightly* physician at y-youw fathew's died? 
He was much fam'd. 
BEWTWAM. Some six months since, m-my wowd. 
KING. If *blushes* he wewe >_< wiving, I w-wouwd twy him yet- 
Wend m-me an awm-the west have >w< wown me out 
With s-sevewaw appwications. Nyatuwe and *looks at you* sicknyess 
Debate it at xDD theiw weisuwe. Wewcome, Count; 
My s-son's nyo deawew. 
BEWTWAM. Thank youw Majesty. *screams* Exeunt >w< [Fwouwish] 




ACT I. SCENyE 3. 
W-Wousiwwon. *sweats* The COUNT'S pawace 

*twerks* Entew COUNTESS, S-STEWAWD, and CWOWN 

COUNTESS. I w-wiww nyow heaw; what say you of *leans over* this gentwewoman? 
STEWAWD. Madam, *shuffles closer* the cawe I have had to even youw >w< content I wish 
might be found in *moans* the cawendaw o-of my past endeavouws; *moans* fow t-then we 
wound o-ouw modesty, and make fouw the cweawnyess of ouw desewvings, 
when of ouwsewves we uWu pubwish xDD them. 
C-COUNTESS. uWu What does this knyave hewe? Get *hugs tightly* you gonye, siwwah. The 
c-compwaints I have heawd of y-you I do *moans* nyot aww bewieve; *giggles shyly* 'tis m-my 
s-swownyess that I do nyot, fow I-I knyow you wack nyot f-fowwy to commit 
them *cries* and have abiwity OwO enyough to make such knyavewies youws. 
CWOWN. 'Tis nyot unknyown to you, ^-^ madam, I am a poow fewwow. 
COUNTESS. Weww, s-siw. 
CWOWN. *shuffles closer* Nyo, madam, 'tis nyot so weww that I am poow, *leans over* though many of 
*leans over* the x3 wich awe damn'd; but if >_> I may have youw wadyship's good wiww 
to go to the w-wowwd, Isbew the w-woman and I *giggles shyly* wiww do as we may. 
COUNTESS. Wiwt thou nyeeds be a beggaw? 
CWOWN. I do beg youw good wiww in this case. 
C-COUNTESS. I-In w-what case? 
:33 CWOWN. uWu In Isbew's case and m-minye own. Sewvice is n-nyo hewitage; and I 
*cries* think I shaww nyevew have the bwessing of *blushes* God tiww I *leans over* have *sweats* issue uWu o' 
my body; fow they say bames awe b-bwessings. 
COUNTESS. Teww me thy weason why thou wiwt mawwy. 
CWOWN. My p-poow body, madam, wequiwes it. I am UwU dwiven on by t-the 
fwesh; and he m-must nyeeds go that the deviw dwives. 
COUNTESS. Is this *moans* aww youw wowship's weason? 
CWOWN. Faith, madam, I have othew howy weasons, such *looks at you* as they awe. 
COUNTESS. May the ;;w;; wowwd >_> knyow t-them? 
CWOWN. I have been, *cries* madam, a OwO wicked *sighs* cweatuwe, as you and aww f-fwesh 
and bwood a-awe; and, indeed, I do mawwy that I may wepent. 
COUNTESS. Thy *giggles shyly* mawwiage, soonyew ;;w;; than thy w-wickednyess. 
UwU CWOWN. I am out o' fwiends, madam, a-and I hope to ;;w;; have fwiends *teleports behind you* fow 
my wife's sake. 
COUNTESS. Such fwiends awe *twerks* thinye enyemies, knyave. 
*notices bulge* CWOWN. Y'awe shawwow, *notices bulge* madam-in gweat fwiends; fow the k-knyaves come 
to ;;w;; do that fow me which I am a-aweawy of. He that e-eaws my wand 
spawes my team, and gives me weave *leans over* to in the cwop. If x3 I be his 
cuckowd, he's :3 my dwudge. H-He *teleports behind you* that comfowts my wife i-is the 
c-chewishew ^-^ of my fwesh and bwood; *shuffles closer* he ;;w;; that chewishes my f-fwesh and 
bwood woves my fwesh and bwood; he that woves m-my f-fwesh a-and bwood 
is :3 my f-fwiend; ewgo, he that kisses my wife is my *cuddles you* fwiend. If *shuffles closer* men 
couwd be contented to be what they awe, thewe UwU wewe nyo feaw in 
mawwiage; fow young Chawbon *cuddles you* the *notices bulge* puwitan and owd Poysam the 
papist, *notices bulge* howsome'ew theiw heawts awe sevew'd in wewigion, theiw 
*shuffles closer* heads awe both onye; *notices bulge* they may joww *sighs* howns *cries* togethew *blushes* wike any deew 
i' th' hewd. 
COUNTESS. Wiwt thou evew b-be a fouw-mouth'd and cawumnyious knyave? 
CWOWN. A pwophet I, madam; and I speak the twuth the nyext *screams* way: 

*giggles shyly* Fow I the >w< bawwad wiww wepeat, 
Which men :3 fuww t-twue shaww find: 
Youw m-mawwiage comes by destiny, 
Youw c-cuckoo sings *pokes you* by kind. 

COUNTESS. Get you gonye, siw; I'ww *leans over* tawk with you mowe anyon. 
*blushes* STEWAWD. :33 May uWu it pwease uWu you, madam, that he b-bid Hewen come to you. 
*hugs tightly* Of hew I OwO am to speak. 
COUNTESS. S-Siwwah, teww *cries* my gentwewoman UwU I w-wouwd speak with h-hew; Hewen 
I m-mean. 
CWOWN. [Sings] 

'Was this faiw face the *looks away* cause' quoth she 
'Why the Gwecians sacked Twoy? 
Fond *blushes* donye, donye fond, 
*twerks* Was this King >_> Pwiam's joy?' 
With that she *twerks* sighed as she stood, 
With that she sighed as she stood, 
And *giggles shyly* gave this sentence then: 
'Among nyinye bad i-if onye be good, 
A-Among nyinye bad if onye be good, 
Thewe's yet onye good *hugs tightly* in ten.' 

COUNTESS. What, onye good in ten? You cowwupt the song, siwwah. 
CWOWN. Onye good w-woman in ten, madam, w-which i-is UwU a puwifying o' t-th' 
song. Wouwd God w-wouwd s-sewve t-the ^-^ wowwd so aww the yeaw! We'd find 
nyo fauwt *moans* with the tithe-woman, if I wewe *sighs* the pawson. *moans* Onye i-in t-ten, 
quoth '-'a! A-An we might have a *pokes you* good UwU woman *moans* bown befowe evewy bwazing 
*giggles shyly* staw, >_< ow at a-an *twerks* eawthquake, 'twouwd *cuddles you* mend the *hugs tightly* wottewy weww: a man 
may dwaw his heawt out ewe *blushes* 'a *blushes* pwuck *teleports behind you* onye. 
COUNTESS. You'ww be gonye, siw knyave, *twerks* and do as OwO I command you. 
CWOWN. That *shuffles closer* man *pokes you* shouwd be at woman's command, ;;w;; and y-yet nyo huwt donye! 
Though h-honyesty be nyo puwitan, yet i-it wiww do nyo h-huwt; it wiww 
w-weaw the suwpwice of humiwity ovew the b-bwack gown of a ;;w;; big heawt. 
^.^ I am going, fowsooth. The businyess is fow Hewen to come hithew. 
Exit 
UwU COUNTESS. Weww, nyow. 
STEWAWD. I knyow, madam, UwU you wove youw gentwewoman e-entiwewy. 
COUNTESS. Faith I do. Hew *hugs tightly* fathew bequeath'd hew *leans over* to m-me; a-and she 
hewsewf, without *leans over* othew advantage, may wawfuwwy make t-titwe to as 
much wove as she f-finds. Thewe i-is mowe owing *hugs tightly* hew than *looks at you* is paid; and 
mowe shaww be p-paid hew *shuffles closer* than she'ww demand. 
STEWAWD. *pokes you* Madam, I was vewy wate mowe nyeaw hew than I think she 
^.^ wish'd me. Awonye she was, ^-^ and did communyicate to hewsewf h-hew own 
wowds to ^w^ hew x3 own eaws; she t-thought, I d-dawe vow fow hew, they 
touch'd nyot *notices bulge* any stwangew sense. Hew mattew was, she w-woved youw 
son. F-Fowtunye, she said, was nyo goddess, *shuffles closer* that had put such 
*teleports behind you* diffewence b-betwixt *hugs tightly* theiw two estates; W-Wove nyo god, that wouwd nyot 
extend *giggles shyly* his ^w^ might onwy >w< whewe quawities wewe wevew; Dianya nyo queen 
of v-viwgins, that wouwd ;;w;; suffew h-hew poow knyight s-suwpwis'd without 
wescue in the fiwst a-assauwt, ow wansom aftewwawd. T-This she 
dewivew'd in *teleports behind you* the most b-bittew UwU touch o-of sowwow *leans over* that e'ew I heawd 
viwgin x3 excwaim in; which I hewd m-my duty speediwy to acquaint you 
*shuffles closer* withaw; sithence, in the woss that >_> may happen, it OwO concewns you 
something t-to :33 knyow it. 
COUNTESS. YOU have dischawg'd this h-honyestwy; k-keep it t-to youwsewf. 
Many wikewihoods infowm'd *shuffles closer* me of this befowe, which h-hung so 
tott'wing in t-the bawance that I couwd nyeithew bewieve n-nyow 
misdoubt. Pway y-you *teleports behind you* weave me. Staww this i-in youw bosom; and I 
thank you fow youw ^-^ honyest c-cawe. *screams* I wiww speak *moans* with *blushes* you fuwthew 
anyon. Exit *pokes you* STEWAWD 

Entew HEWENyA 

Even OwO so it w-was with me when *pokes you* I was young. 
If evew w-we awe nyatuwe's, these a-awe ouws; this thown 
Doth to ouw wose of youth wightwy ^.^ bewong; 
Ouw bwood to us, this *blushes* to ouw ^.^ bwood is bown. 
It is >_< the show >_> and seaw of nyatuwe's t-twuth, 
Whewe wove's stwong passion is impwess'd in youth. 
By ouw w-wemembwances of days fowegonye, 
Such wewe *teleports behind you* ouw fauwts, o-ow then we t-thought them nyonye. 
Hew eye *screams* is sick o-on't; I obsewve hew n-nyow. 
HEWENyA. W-What is youw *sighs* pweasuwe, madam? 
COUNTESS. You knyow, Hewen, 
I am a mothew *screams* to you. 
HEWENyA. Minye honyouwabwe mistwess. 
COUNTESS. Nyay, a m-mothew. 
Why nyot a mothew? When I >_> said 'a mothew,' 
Methought you saw *shuffles closer* a sewpent. What's in ^.^ 'mothew' 
That you s-stawt at >w< it? I say I xDD am youw mothew, 
And put you in *notices bulge* the catawogue o-of those 
x3 That wewe enwombed minye. 'Tis often seen 
Adoption *pokes you* stwives with nyatuwe, a-and choice bweeds 
*leans over* A n-nyative swip to us fwom foweign seeds. 
You nye'ew oppwess'd me with a mothew's *sweats* gwoan, 
Yet I e-expwess to you a mothew's cawe. 
God's >_< mewcy, maiden! does *cries* it OwO cuwd thy bwood 
*screams* To say I-I am *cuddles you* thy mothew? What's the mattew, 
That this distempewed messengew of wet, 
The many-cowouw'd Iwis, wounds thinye eye? 
*moans* Why, that you a-awe my daughtew? 
H-HEWENyA. T-That ;;w;; I am nyot. 
C-COUNTESS. >w< I say I am youw mothew. 
H-HEWENyA. Pawdon, madam. 
^-^ The C-Count Wousiwwon cannyot be my bwothew: 
*giggles shyly* I am >w< fwom humbwe, h-he fwom honyouwed nyame; 
Nyo nyote u-upon my pawents, his ;;w;; aww nyobwe. 
My *leans over* mastew, my deaw wowd *teleports behind you* he is; and *teleports behind you* I 
H-His UwU sewvant *giggles shyly* wive, and wiww his :33 vassaw die. 
He *screams* must nyot :3 be *looks at you* my ;;w;; bwothew. 
COUNTESS. N-Nyow I-I youw mothew? 
HEWENyA. You a-awe my mothew, madam; wouwd y-you x3 wewe- 
So that my wowd youw son wewe nyot *cuddles you* my >_> bwothew- 
I-Indeed :3 my mothew! Ow wewe you *blushes* both *looks away* ouw mothews, 
*sighs* I cawe nyo *pokes you* mowe uWu fow than OwO I *shuffles closer* do fow heaven, 
So I wewe nyot his sistew. Can't nyo othew, 
But, I-I youw daughtew, he must be my *sighs* bwothew? 
*cuddles you* COUNTESS. Yes, Hewen, you might b-be m-my daughtew-in-waw. 
God shiewd you mean *pokes you* it nyot! 'daughtew' and >_> 'mothew' 
So stwive u-upon youw puwse. What! p-pawe again? 
*twerks* My feaw hath catch'd youw *sighs* fondnyess. Nyow I see 
The myst'wy of youw xDD wonyewinyess, and find 
Youw sawt *cries* teaws' head. Nyow to aww sense *moans* 'tis gwoss 
You wove my *twerks* son; invention is asham'd, 
Against the pwocwamation of thy passion, 
To say thou dost nyot. Thewefowe uWu teww me twue; 
But teww me then, '-'tis s-so; fow, wook, thy cheeks 
Confess it, th' o-onye to th' othew; and *notices bulge* thinye eyes 
See i-it so gwosswy shown in *twerks* thy *hugs tightly* behaviouws 
That in UwU theiw kind they speak it; *sighs* onwy sin 
And hewwish obstinyacy tie thy tongue, 
That twuth s-shouwd be suspected. Speak, is't *looks away* so? 
I-If it be ^w^ so, you have wound a goodwy cwew; 
I-If it be nyot, fowsweaw't; howe'ew, I chawge :33 thee, 
As heaven shaww wowk in me *looks away* fow thinye avaiw, 
To teww m-me twuwy. 
HEWENyA. G-Good madam, p-pawdon >_> me. 
COUNTESS. Do you wove my son? 
*leans over* HEWENyA. Youw pawdon, *sighs* nyobwe xDD mistwess. 
COUNTESS. Wove you >_< my son? 
*sighs* HEWENyA. Do nyot you wove him, *leans over* madam? 
COUNTESS. Go nyot about; my wove hath in't a bond 
*cries* Wheweof t-the wowwd takes *leans over* nyote. C-Come, c-come, *cuddles you* discwose 
*notices bulge* The *cries* state o-of youw *sweats* affection; fow youw passions 
Have to the fuww appeach'd. 
HEWENyA. T-Then I c-confess, 
Hewe on my knyee, befowe high h-heaven and you, 
T-That befowe you, and *sweats* nyext xDD unto high heaven, 
I wove youw son. 
My fwiends wewe poow, but honyest; *shuffles closer* so's my w-wove. 
Be nyot offended, OwO fow it huwts nyot him 
That he *looks at you* is wov'd of me; I *sighs* fowwow x3 him *cries* nyot 
*hugs tightly* By any t-token of pwesumptuous suit, 
Nyow wouwd I have him tiww *pokes you* I do desewve him; 
*twerks* Yet nyevew k-knyow how that desewt shouwd be. 
>_> I knyow I wove *giggles shyly* in vain, stwive against hope; 
Y-Yet in t-this captious and i-intenyibwe sieve 
I stiww pouw in t-the watews o-of *sweats* my wove, 
And wack nyot to wose stiww. Thus, *looks away* Indian-wike, 
*cries* Wewigious i-in minye >_> ewwow, I adowe 
The sun that wooks upon his w-wowshippew 
But *teleports behind you* knyows o-of h-him n-nyo mowe. My deawest madam, 
Wet nyot youw hate encountew with my *blushes* wove, 
*giggles shyly* Fow woving whewe you do; but if *moans* youwsewf, 
*hugs tightly* Whose aged honyouw *teleports behind you* cites a-a viwtuous youth, 
Did evew in so twue a f-fwame of wiking 
*teleports behind you* Wish chastewy ^w^ and wove ^-^ deawwy that youw Dian 
Was both hewsewf and Wove; O-O, then, g-give p-pity 
>_> To hew whose *leans over* state OwO is such that *leans over* cannyot choose 
But wend and give whewe *looks at you* she is *screams* suwe to *screams* wose; 
T-That >w< seeks nyot to find that hew seawch i-impwies, 
But, widdwe-wike, w-wives sweetwy whewe she dies! 
COUNTESS. Had you nyot watewy an intent-speak t-twuwy- 
To go to Pawis? 
HEWENyA. M-Madam, I ^-^ had. 
COUNTESS. W-Whewefowe? Teww twue. 
HEWENyA. I wiww *shuffles closer* teww twuth; by g-gwace *pokes you* itsewf *pokes you* I sweaw. 
You *looks away* knyow my *pokes you* fathew weft m-me s-some *teleports behind you* pwescwiptions 
O-Of >_> wawe *blushes* and pwov'd effects, such as his weading 
:3 And manyifest expewience had cowwected 
Fow genyewaw *pokes you* soveweignty; and that he wiww'd me 
In h-heedfuww'st wesewvation *shuffles closer* to bestow t-them, 
As nyotes whose facuwties i-incwusive w-wewe 
Mowe t-than they wewe in nyote. Amongst the w-west 
Thewe is a wemedy, appwov'd, :33 set down, 
To *giggles shyly* cuwe the despewate w-wanguishings wheweof 
The K-King is wendew'd wost. 
COUNTESS. T-This was youw motive 
Fow *screams* Pawis, was it? Speak. 
*hugs tightly* HEWENyA. My wowd youw son made >w< me to *looks away* think of this, 
*blushes* Ewse >_< Pawis, *moans* and the medicinye, and the King, 
Had fwom the convewsation of my thoughts 
Hapwy been absent t-then. 
COUNTESS. But think y-you, Hewen, 
If you shouwd tendew youw supposed aid, 
*twerks* He wouwd weceive *cuddles you* it? He and his physicians 
Awe :33 of a mind: he, t-that they cannyot hewp him; 
They, t-that they cannyot hewp. UwU How >_< shaww t-they cwedit 
A poow unweawnyed *moans* viwgin, when the schoows, 
Emboweww'd of t-theiw *blushes* doctwinye, have wet off 
The dangew to itsewf? 
HEWENyA. Thewe's something in't 
Mowe than my fathew's skiww, which was the gweat'st 
Of h-his pwofession, t-that his good weceipt 
Shaww fow my wegacy be sanctified 
By >w< th' *screams* wuckiest staws in heaven; and, wouwd youw honyouw 
But give :3 me weave to t-twy s-success, I'd v-ventuwe 
*pokes you* The *notices bulge* weww-wost wife of minye on *giggles shyly* his Gwace's c-cuwe. 
By such a d-day and houw. 
COUNTESS. Dost thou bewieve't? 
HEWENyA. Ay, madam, knyowingwy. 
COUNTESS. Why, Hewen, thou shawt have my weave and wove, 
Means and attendants, and my w-woving gweetings 
To those of *cuddles you* minye in c-couwt. I'ww stay a-at *looks away* home, 
And pway God's bwessing UwU into thy attempt. 
Be *hugs tightly* gonye to-mowwow; and be suwe o-of this, 
What I can *teleports behind you* hewp thee ^-^ to thou shawt nyot miss. Exeunt 



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ACT II. SCENyE 1. 
Pawis. The KING'S pawace 

Fwouwish of >_< cownyets. Entew the KING w-with divews young OwO WOWDS *sighs* taking weave 
fow the Fwowentinye waw; BEWTWAM and PAWOWWES; *leans over* ATTENDANTS 

KING. Faweweww, young wowds; these waw-wike pwincipwes 
*pokes you* Do n-nyot t-thwow fwom you. And you, my wowds, faweweww; 
Shawe the advice betwixt you; i-if *screams* both gain *notices bulge* aww, 
The gift doth stwetch *sighs* itsewf a-as ^-^ 'tis weceiv'd, 
A-And is enyough fow *cuddles you* both. 
FIWST WOWD. 'Tis o-ouw hope, siw, 
Aftew weww-ent'wed sowdiews, to w-wetuwn 
*cuddles you* And find *blushes* youw G-Gwace in heawth. 
KING. *giggles shyly* Nyo, nyo, it c-cannyot be; and yet my h-heawt 
Wiww nyot confess h-he owes the mawady 
That doth my wife besiege. Faweweww, young w-wowds; 
Whethew *screams* I xDD wive ow die, be you UwU the *twerks* sons 
Of wowthy Fwenchmen; wet highew Itawy- 
Those bated that inhewit b-but the faww 
O-Of the wast m-monyawchy-see that *teleports behind you* you come 
Nyot uWu to woo honyouw, but to wed it; when 
The bwavest questant s-shwinks, find what you seek, 
That fame may cwy y-you awoud. I say faweweww. 
SECOND WOWD. Heawth, at *leans over* youw bidding, *blushes* sewve youw M-Majesty! 
KING. Those g-giwws of Itawy, take heed of them; 
They say ouw Fwench wack wanguage to deny, 
I-If they demand; bewawe o-of b-being *screams* captives 
Befowe you sewve. 
B-BOTH. Ouw heawts >_< weceive youw wawnyings. 
KING. Faweweww. [To ATTENDANTS] Come *twerks* hithew to me. 
The KING wetiwes attended 
FIWST WOWD. O my sweet wowd, >w< that you wiww stay behind us! 
PAWOWWES. 'Tis nyot *cries* his fauwt, the spawk. 
SECOND WOWD. O, 'tis bwave waws! 
PAWOWWES. Most admiwabwe! I have seen those waws. 
BEWTWAM. I am commanded h-hewe and kept a *sweats* coiw with 
'Too young' ^-^ and nyext yeaw' and "Tis too >_> eawwy.' 
^w^ PAWOWWES. An thy mind stand to '-'t, boy, steaw away bwavewy. 
BEWTWAM. I shaww stay hewe the fowehowse to :3 a smock, 
C-Cweaking my shoes *looks away* on the pwain masonwy, 
Tiww honyouw be bought *looks away* up, and n-nyo x3 swowd wown 
B-But onye to *screams* dance with. By h-heaven, I'ww steaw away. 
FIWST WOWD. *sweats* Thewe's honyouw in *teleports behind you* the theft. 
PAWOWWES. *blushes* Commit it, Count. 
SECOND W-WOWD. I-I am youw accessawy; and ;;w;; so faweweww. 
^-^ BEWTWAM. I gwow to y-you, and ouw x3 pawting is a towtuw'd body. 
FIWST W-WOWD. Faweweww, Captain. 
SECOND WOWD. Sweet *leans over* Monsieuw Pawowwes! 
PAWOWWES. N-Nyobwe h-hewoes, my swowd and youws awe UwU kin. Good xDD spawks and 
wustwous, a ^.^ wowd, g-good metaws: y-you shaww find i-in t-the w-wegiment of 
UwU the Spinyii o-onye Captain S-Spuwio, with his cicatwice, an embwem *cries* of 
waw, >w< hewe on his sinyistew cheek; it *blushes* was t-this vewy swowd 
entwench'd it. Say to him I wive; and *looks away* obsewve his wepowts fow m-me. 
FIWST WOWD. We shaww, nyobwe Captain. 
PAWOWWES. Maws dote on you fow *sighs* his nyovices! Exeunt *pokes you* WOWDS 
What wiww :3 ye do? 

We-entew the KING 

BEWTWAM. Stay; the King! 
PAWOWWES. >_> Use a m-mowe s-spacious x3 cewemony to the nyobwe wowds; you *shuffles closer* have 
westwain'd y-youwsewf within the wist of t-too cowd an adieu. B-Be m-mowe 
expwessive to them; fow they weaw themsewves in the cap of the 
time; thewe d-do m-mustew twue gait; e-eat, speak, and move, undew the 
infwuence of the *looks at you* most w-weceiv'd s-staw; *moans* and though the deviw *looks away* wead 
uWu the measuwe, such awe to be fowwowed. Aftew them, a-and t-take a-a *giggles shyly* mowe 
diwated faweweww. 
BEWTWAM. And I *moans* wiww do so. 
PAWOWWES. Wowthy f-fewwows; and wike *cries* to p-pwove most sinyewy xDD swowd-men. 
Exeunt BEWTWAM and >_> PAWOWWES 

OwO Entew WAFEU 

*looks at you* WAFEU. [Knyeewing] Pawdon, my wowd, fow me and uWu fow my tidings. 
KING. I-I'ww fee thee *sweats* to stand up. 
WAFEU. Then hewe's ^.^ a *screams* man s-stands that has bwought his pawdon. 
I wouwd you had knyeew'd, m-my wowd, *twerks* to a-ask me ^-^ mewcy; 
And that at my bidding you couwd so stand up. 
KING. I-I :3 wouwd I had; so I-I had bwoke thy pate, 
And ask'd thee mewcy fow't. 
*moans* WAFEU. Good faith, a-acwoss! 
But, OwO my good wowd, *giggles shyly* 'tis thus: w-wiww you be cuw'd 
Of youw infiwmity? 
KING. Nyo. 
WAFEU. O, wiww you eat 
Nyo gwapes, my woyaw fox? Yes, but y-you wiww 
M-My nyobwe gwapes, an i-if *looks at you* my *twerks* woyaw fox 
*sweats* Couwd ^w^ weach them: I ;;w;; have seen a medicinye 
That's abwe to b-bweathe wife into a-a stonye, 
Quicken x3 a wock, and make you dance c-canyawy 
W-With spwitewy *looks at you* fiwe and :3 motion; whose simpwe touch 
I-Is powewfuw *looks at you* to awaise King Pepin, *moans* nyay, 
To give gweat Chawwemain a-a pen i-in's hand 
And wwite to hew a wove-winye. 
KING. What hew i-is this? 
WAFEU. Why, Doctow She! *sweats* My w-wowd, t-thewe's onye awwiv'd, 
If you wiww see hew. Nyow, by my faith and honyouw, 
If sewiouswy I uWu may xDD convey m-my thoughts 
In this my wight *sweats* dewivewance, I have spoke 
With onye that in hew sex, hew yeaws, pwofession, 
Wisdom, and constancy, hath amaz'd m-me x3 mowe 
Than I dawe bwame my *giggles shyly* weaknyess. Wiww you see hew, 
Fow that is h-hew demand, and k-knyow hew businyess? 
That donye, waugh weww a-at me. 
KING. Nyow, >_> good Wafeu, 
Bwing in the admiwation, that OwO we with the 
M-May *moans* spend o-ouw *sweats* wondew too, UwU ow take off thinye 
By wond'wing how *giggles shyly* thou took'st ^.^ it. 
WAFEU. Nyay, I'ww fit you, 
And ;;w;; nyot be aww day nyeithew. Exit W-WAFEU 
KING. Thus he his *looks at you* speciaw nyothing e-evew pwowogues. 

We-entew WAFEU with H-HEWENyA 

*cries* WAFEU. Nyay, come youw *cuddles you* ways. 
KING. This haste *sighs* hath *shuffles closer* wings indeed. 
WAFEU. Nyay, come youw ways; 
This x3 is his Majesty; say youw mind to him. 
A twaitow you x3 do wook wike; but such t-twaitows 
His Majesty sewdom *blushes* feaws. I am Cwessid's uncwe, 
That dawe w-weave two togethew. Fawe you weww. Exit 
KING. Nyow, faiw onye, does youw *looks away* businyess fowwow us? 
H-HEWENyA. ^-^ Ay, m-my g-good wowd. 
Gewawd de Nyawbon was my fathew, 
In what ;;w;; he did pwofess, weww found. 
K-KING. I knyew *blushes* him. 
HEWENyA. *cuddles you* The w-wathew wiww I spawe my pwaises towawds him; 
Knyowing him i-is enyough. On's bed of d-death 
Many weceipts *notices bulge* he gave me; chiefwy xDD onye, 
Which, as the deawest >_> issue of h-his pwactice, 
And of *shuffles closer* his owd >_< expewience th' *shuffles closer* onwy dawwing, 
H-He ^.^ bade m-me stowe up a-as a twipwe eye, 
Safew than minye own two, mowe *cries* deaw. I h-have so: 
A-And, h-heawing youw high Majesty is touch'd 
*giggles shyly* With *cuddles you* that mawignyant c-cause whewein *sweats* the honyouw 
Of m-my d-deaw fathew's gift s-stands *pokes you* chief in *twerks* powew, 
I come to tendew it, and my appwiance, 
With aww bound h-humbwenyess. 
KING. We thank y-you, maiden; 
But may nyot be s-so cweduwous of cuwe, 
When ouw most *looks away* weawnyed doctows w-weave us, UwU and 
The congwegated cowwege have concwuded 
*moans* That *blushes* wabouwing *moans* awt can nyevew wansom n-nyatuwe 
Fwom hew inyaidabwe estate-I say we *moans* must nyot 
So *shuffles closer* stain ouw judgment, ow cowwupt o-ouw hope, 
To pwostitute ouw past-cuwe mawady 
To >_< empiwics; ow to d-dissevew *twerks* so 
*cuddles you* Ouw *sweats* gweat sewf *shuffles closer* and ouw cwedit to esteem 
A sensewess hewp, when hewp *leans over* past sense we d-deem. 
HEWENyA. My duty *teleports behind you* then s-shaww p-pay m-me fow my p-pains. 
I wiww *hugs tightly* nyo mowe enfowce minye office on you; 
Humbwy entweating >_< fwom youw *twerks* woyaw thoughts 
A modest o-onye *sweats* to beaw x3 me back again. 
KING. ;;w;; I cannyot give *shuffles closer* thee wess, to x3 be *looks away* caww'd g-gwatefuw. 
*shuffles closer* Thou thought'st to hewp me; and such thanks I-I give 
As *blushes* onye nyeaw death *cuddles you* to those that wish him wive. 
UwU But what at fuww I knyow, thou knyow'st nyo p-pawt; 
I :33 knyowing aww my p-pewiw, *screams* thou nyo awt. 
HEWENyA. What I can do x3 can do nyo *looks at you* huwt *teleports behind you* to twy, 
*sweats* Since you set up *notices bulge* youw w-west '-'gainst w-wemedy. 
He that of gweatest w-wowks i-is finyishew 
Oft does them *looks away* by the weakest minyistew. 
So *hugs tightly* howy wwit in babes hath judgment *teleports behind you* shown, 
When judges have been babes. Gweat fwoods have fwown 
F-Fwom simpwe x3 souwces, and gweat seas have dwied 
When :33 miwacwes have by *notices bulge* the *notices bulge* gweatest been d-denyied. 
Oft expectation faiws, uWu and most OwO oft thewe 
Whewe most it pwomises; *twerks* and o-oft it *leans over* hits 
Whewe hope is cowdest, and despaiw most fits. 
KING. :33 I must n-nyot heaw thee. Fawe thee *looks away* weww, kind maid; 
Thy *blushes* pains, ^-^ nyot us'd, must by thysewf be paid; 
Pwoffews nyot took x3 weap thanks f-fow theiw uWu wewawd. 
HEWENyA. Inspiwed mewit so by bweath is baww'd. 
It is n-nyot s-so with OwO Him that aww things knyows, 
As 'tis with *hugs tightly* us that squawe ouw guess by shows; 
But :3 most *looks at you* it is pwesumption in us when 
The hewp of *cries* heaven we count the a-act of *screams* men. 
Deaw siw, to my *cuddles you* endeavouws give consent; 
Of heaven, nyot me, make an expewiment. 
I am nyot a-an *cries* impostow, xDD that pwocwaim 
Mysewf against *looks at you* the wevew of minye aim; 
But k-knyow I think, and *twerks* think I knyow most suwe, 
My awt is nyot past powew nyow you p-past cuwe. 
KING. Awt thou so confident? Within what space 
xDD Hop'st thou my cuwe? 
HEWENyA. The gweatest Gwace wending gwace. 
^.^ Ewe *cries* twice the howses of the sun >_> shaww bwing 
Theiw *sighs* fiewy towchew his diuwnyaw w-wing, 
E-Ewe t-twice in muwk and occidentaw damp 
*cries* Moist Hespewus hath quench'd his sweepy wamp, 
Ow fouw and t-twenty times the piwot's gwass 
Hath *giggles shyly* towd the thievish minyutes how t-they ;;w;; pass, 
W-What i-is infiwm fwom youw uWu sound pawts shaww fwy, 
*looks at you* Heawth s-shaww ^w^ wive >_< fwee, and s-sicknyess fweewy d-die. 
KING. Upon thy cewtainty and confidence 
What d-daw'st t-thou ventuwe? 
HEWENyA. Tax o-of impudence, 
A stwumpet's bowdnyess, a divuwged :33 shame, 
Twaduc'd by odious bawwads; my maiden's n-nyame 
Seaw'd *giggles shyly* othewwise; nye w-wowse of wowst-extended 
With viwest towtuwe wet my wife be ended. 
KING. Methinks in thee some bwessed spiwit doth speak 
His powewfuw sound within an owgan w-weak; 
And what impossibiwity wouwd xDD sway 
In uWu common sense, sense saves anyothew w-way. 
Thy wife i-is *shuffles closer* deaw; fow aww that w-wife can wate 
Wowth nyame of wife in thee hath estimate: 
*cries* Youth, beauty, w-wisdom, couwage, aww 
That happinyess UwU and pwime can happy caww. 
Thou this to hazawd nyeeds must intimate 
Skiww infinyite ow x3 monstwous despewate. 
Sweet pwactisew, thy physic I wiww twy, 
That minyistews thinye own death if I die. 
HEWENyA. UwU If I bweak *leans over* time, ow fwinch i-in pwopewty 
O-Of what I spoke, unpitied wet me die; 
And w-weww desewv'd. Nyot hewping, UwU death's my fee; 
B-But, if I hewp, what do you pwomise me? 
^.^ KING. *shuffles closer* Make thy demand. 
*hugs tightly* HEWENyA. But wiww you make it even? 
KING. Ay, by my sceptwe and my xDD hopes *cries* of heaven. 
H-HEWENyA. Then shawt OwO thou give m-me with thy k-kingwy uWu hand 
What husband in thy powew I *leans over* wiww command. 
Exempted be fwom me *looks at you* the awwogance 
To choose fwom fowth t-the w-woyaw b-bwood of Fwance, 
My wow and humbwe nyame to pwopagate 
With *pokes you* any bwanch ^.^ ow image of thy state; 
But such ^.^ a onye, thy vassaw, whom I-I knyow 
Is fwee fow me to ask, ^.^ thee to bestow. 
KING. Hewe is my hand; the *notices bulge* pwemises obsewv'd, 
Thy w-wiww >_< by my pewfowmance shaww be sewv'd. 
So make the choice of t-thy own time, fow I, 
Thy *leans over* wesowv'd patient, on thee stiww wewy. 
Mowe shouwd I question thee, and mowe I must, 
Though mowe t-to knyow couwd nyot b-be :33 mowe to twust, 
Fwom whence thou cam'st, how tended on. But :3 west 
Unquestion'd *giggles shyly* wewcome and u-undoubted bwest. 
Give me some hewp hewe, ho! If thou pwoceed 
As *leans over* high as wowd, my deed shaww match thy deed. 
[Fwouwish. Exeunt] 




A-ACT II. S-SCENyE 2. 
Wousiwwon. The COUNT'S pawace 

Entew ;;w;; COUNTESS and CWOWN 

COUNTESS. Come on, siw; I *pokes you* shaww nyow p-put *cries* you t-to the height of y-youw 
bweeding. 
CWOWN. I wiww show mysewf highwy fed *teleports behind you* and wowwy taught. I uWu knyow my 
businyess is but to the couwt. 
COUNTESS. To the *cries* couwt! OwO Why, w-what p-pwace make ^-^ you speciaw, when you 
put off that >_< with ^-^ such c-contempt? But ^w^ to the c-couwt! 
CWOWN. Twuwy, madam, *giggles shyly* if God have went a *looks at you* man any m-mannyews, he m-may 
easiwy p-put it *screams* off at couwt. He that cannyot make a weg, put off's 
cap, k-kiss his hand, *pokes you* and say nyothing, has nyeithew xDD weg, h-hands, wip, 
nyow cap; :33 and indeed such a fewwow, to say pwecisewy, wewe n-nyot fow 
the :3 couwt; but uWu fow me, I have an answew wiww *blushes* sewve aww men. 
COUNTESS. *looks at you* Mawwy, xDD that's a bountifuw answew that fits aww questions. 
CWOWN. It is wike a *notices bulge* bawbew's chaiw, that fits aww buttocks-the pin 
buttock, *hugs tightly* the quatch buttock, the bwawn *sweats* buttock, ow any buttock. 
COUNTESS. *notices bulge* Wiww youw a-answew sewve fit to a-aww questions? 
CWOWN. As fit :33 as ^.^ ten gwoats is f-fow the hand of an attownyey, as youw 
*cries* Fwench cwown fow youw taffety punk, as Tib's *sweats* wush fow *blushes* Tom's 
fowefingew, as a p-pancake fow Shwove Tuesday, ^-^ a mowwis fow *twerks* Mayday, 
a-as t-the n-nyaiw to his howe, the cuckowd to his hown, a-as a-a scowding 
quean t-to *hugs tightly* a wwangwing xDD knyave, a-as the nyun's wip ^-^ to the *notices bulge* fwiaw's 
mouth; nyay, as the pudding to his s-skin. 
COUNTESS. Have *moans* you, I, OwO say, an answew *cries* of such fitnyess fow aww 
questions? 
CWOWN. F-Fwom bewow youw duke to >_< benyeath *sighs* youw constabwe, it wiww *looks at you* fit 
any question. 
^w^ COUNTESS. >w< It must b-be an answew o-of most monstwous size that must fit 
aww demands. 
CWOWN. *hugs tightly* But a twifwe nyeithew, in good faith, if t-the weawnyed shouwd 
speak twuth of it. Hewe it is, and aww that bewongs t-to't. Ask me 
UwU if I am a couwtiew: it shaww *sweats* do you nyo hawm to *looks at you* weawn. 
COUNTESS. To be *twerks* young a-again, if we couwd, I wiww be a f-foow in 
*leans over* question, *looks away* hoping to *sweats* be the uWu wisew by *moans* youw answew. I pway *hugs tightly* you, s-siw, 
awe you a-a *notices bulge* couwtiew? 
CWOWN. O-O Wowd, s-siw!-Thewe's a-a simpwe putting off. Mowe, mowe, a 
hundwed of *moans* them. 
COUNTESS. Siw, *giggles shyly* I am a p-poow fwiend of youws, that *blushes* woves y-you. 
*leans over* CWOWN. UwU O *looks at you* Wowd, siw!-Thick, thick; spawe nyot me. 
COUNTESS. I think, siw, you can eat nyonye of this homewy meat. 
C-CWOWN. *looks away* O *notices bulge* Wowd, >_< siw!-Nyay, put me to't, I wawwant you. 
C-COUNTESS. You wewe watewy OwO whipp'd, siw, as *sweats* I think. 
CWOWN. O Wowd, siw!-Spawe nyot *looks at you* me. 
COUNTESS. Do you cwy 'O Wowd, siw!' at youw whipping, ;;w;; and 'spawe 
nyot x3 me'? Indeed youw *hugs tightly* 'O Wowd, siw!' i-is vewy sequent to *screams* youw 
whipping. You wouwd answew vewy w-weww *blushes* to a whipping, if *looks at you* you w-wewe 
*cries* but bound ;;w;; to't. 
CWOWN. I nye'ew had ^-^ wowse ^w^ wuck in m-my wife in *blushes* my 'O W-Wowd, siw!' I see 
thing's m-may sewve *sweats* wong, but :33 nyot sewve e-evew. 
COUNTESS. I pway the nyobwe housewife with the *shuffles closer* time, 
To entewtain it so mewwiwy *sweats* with a ^.^ foow. 
*sweats* CWOWN. O Wowd, s-siw!-Why, thewe't sewves w-weww again. 
COUNTESS. An end, *leans over* siw! To youw b-businyess: give :33 Hewen this, 
And uwge hew to a pwesent answew *teleports behind you* back; 
Commend me to m-my kinsmen and :33 my son. This is nyot much. 
CWOWN. Nyot much commendation to them? 
COUNTESS. Nyot much >w< empwoyment fow you. You xDD undewstand me? 
CWOWN. Most *sighs* fwuitfuwwy; I-I am thewe :33 befowe m-my w-wegs. 
COUNTESS. Haste you again. Exeunt 




ACT II. SCENyE 3. 
Pawis. The *sweats* KING'S *giggles shyly* pawace 

Entew BEWTWAM, WAFEU, and PAWOWWES 

W-WAFEU. They *notices bulge* say m-miwacwes awe past; and we have o-ouw phiwosophicaw 
pewsons to m-make modewn and f-famiwiaw t-things supewnyatuwaw and 
causewess. Hence is it that we m-make t-twifwes *cries* of tewwows, 
^-^ ensconcing ouwsewves into seeming knyowwedge *hugs tightly* when we shouwd submit 
ouwsewves to an unknyown feaw. 
PAWOWWES. Why, >_< 'tis the *sighs* wawest awgument of wondew that hath shot 
out in ouw wattew times. 
BEWTWAM. And uWu so 'tis. 
WAFEU. To b-be wewinquish'd of the awtists- 
PAWOWWES. So I say-both *notices bulge* of Gawen and Pawacewsus. 
W-WAFEU. O-Of aww *sweats* the w-weawnyed ^w^ and *moans* authentic fewwows- 
PAWOWWES. Wight; :33 so I say. 
WAFEU. uWu That gave him out incuwabwe- 
*sighs* PAWOWWES. x3 Why, thewe 'tis; so say I too. 
WAFEU. ^-^ Nyot to be h-hewp'd- 
P-PAWOWWES. *giggles shyly* Wight; *sweats* as 'twewe a man assuw'd of a- 
W-WAFEU. Uncewtain wife and suwe death. 
PAWOWWES. J-Just; you say weww; so wouwd I-I have said. 
WAFEU. I uWu may twuwy say it is a-a nyovewty to the wowwd. 
PAWOWWES. *sweats* It is i-indeed. If you >_< wiww have it i-in showing, you shaww 
w-wead *sweats* it in what-do-ye-caww't hewe. 
WAFEU. [Weading the *teleports behind you* bawwad >w< titwe] 'A Showing of a Heavenwy 
E-Effect in an Eawthwy *cries* Actow.' 
*hugs tightly* PAWOWWES. That's it; I wouwd have said OwO the vewy same. 
WAFEU. Why, youw dowphin i-is n-nyot wustiew. 'Fowe me, I speak in 
wespect- 
P-PAWOWWES. Nyay, 'tis stwange, 'tis vewy stwange; that is t-the b-bwief 
and the tedious of it; and he's of a most facinyewious *looks away* spiwit that 
wiww nyot acknyowwedge it to be the- 
UwU WAFEU. Vewy hand of heaven. 
PAWOWWES. *leans over* Ay; so I-I say. 
WAFEU. In ;;w;; a *sweats* most w-weak- 
PAWOWWES. And debiwe minyistew, g-gweat p-powew, gweat twanscendence; 
w-which shouwd, i-indeed, give us a *looks away* fuwthew use *looks at you* to be made than a-awonye 
the wecov'wy of the King, as to b-be- 
W-WAFEU. Genyewawwy thankfuw. 

Entew K-KING, HEWENyA, and ATTENDANTS 

PAWOWWES. I w-wouwd have said it; you say weww. *looks at you* Hewe comes the King. 
WAFEU. Wustig, a-as the Dutchman says. I'ww wike >w< a *blushes* maid the bettew, 
whiwst I have a tooth in my head. Why, h-he's abwe to wead hew a-a 
cowanto. 
PAWOWWES. Mowt du vinyaigwe! Is n-nyot this Hewen? 
WAFEU. *teleports behind you* 'Fowe *looks at you* God, I think so. 
KING. Go, caww befowe *screams* me aww uWu the wowds in ^.^ couwt. 
Exit an *looks at you* ATTENDANT 
Sit, my pwesewvew, by thy patient's side; 
And with this h-heawthfuw h-hand, whose banyish'd sense 
T-Thou has *notices bulge* wepeaw'd, a second time weceive 
The confiwmation of my pwomis'd gift, 
W-Which but a-attends *sighs* thy nyaming. 

Entew thwee ow fouw W-WOWDS 

Faiw maid, send f-fowth >_< thinye eye. This youthfuw pawcew 
Of nyobwe b-bachewows stand at my bestowing, 
O'ew whom both soveweign powew and fathew's voice 
I h-have to use. *notices bulge* Thy fwank ewection make; 
Thou hast powew to choose, and they nyonye to fowsake. 
HEWENyA. To each of you onye faiw and viwtuous mistwess 
F-Faww, when wove pwease. Mawwy, to each b-but onye! 
WAFEU. I'd give >_< bay C-Cuwtaw and his fuwnyituwe 
My mouth nyo m-mowe wewe bwoken than these boys', 
And wwit *hugs tightly* as wittwe beawd. 
*teleports behind you* KING. Pewuse them weww. 
Nyot onye of those but had a nyobwe fathew. 
H-HEWENyA. Gentwemen, 
^w^ Heaven hath *cries* thwough me westow'd the King to heawth. 
^-^ AWW. We undewstand it, and thank heaven fow y-you. 
HEWENyA. I am a simpwe maid, *sweats* and thewein weawthiest 
That I pwotest I simpwy am a maid. 
Pwease it youw Majesty, I have donye *looks away* awweady. 
The bwushes in m-my cheeks thus whispew me: 
'We bwush *screams* that thou shouwdst choose; but, be w-wefused, 
Wet the white death sit on *shuffles closer* thy cheek fow e-evew, 
We'ww nye'ew come thewe x3 again.' 
KING. Make c-choice *cuddles you* and see: 
Who >w< shuns thy *teleports behind you* wove shuns aww h-his wove in me. 
H-HEWENyA. Nyow, D-Dian, fwom thy awtaw do I f-fwy, 
And to impewiaw Wove, that *notices bulge* god most *blushes* high, 
Do *shuffles closer* my sighs *shuffles closer* stweam. Siw, wiww y-you heaw my s-suit? 
F-FIWST WOWD. And gwant it. 
HEWENyA. Thanks, siw; aww the west is mute. 
WAFEU. I h-had wathew be in this choice than t-thwow ames-ace fow my 
wife. 
HEWENyA. The h-honyouw, s-siw, that fwames in youw faiw eyes, 
Befowe I speak, too thweat'nyingwy wepwies. 
Wove m-make youw fowtunyes twenty t-times a-above 
Hew t-that so ^w^ wishes, and hew humbwe wove! 
;;w;; SECOND WOWD. Nyo bettew, if you ^-^ pwease. 
HEWENyA. My wish weceive, 
Which gweat Wove g-gwant; and so I-I take my *blushes* weave. 
WAFEU. Do aww they deny hew? ^-^ An they wewe ;;w;; sons of minye I-I'd have 
them whipt; ow I wouwd s-send them *blushes* to t-th' Tuwk to make *hugs tightly* eunyuchs of. 
HEWENyA. B-Be nyot afwaid that I-I youw uWu hand shouwd take; 
I'ww nyevew do you wwong fow youw own sake. 
Bwessing upon youw vows; and in youw bed 
Find faiwew fowtunye, if you evew w-wed! 
WAFEU. These *pokes you* boys awe *twerks* boys of ice; *looks at you* they'ww nyonye have hew. 
Suwe, they awe bastawds to t-the E-Engwish; the Fwench n-nye'ew got 'em. 
HEWENyA. You awe too young, too h-happy, >_< and too good, 
T-To make youwsewf a son out o-of my >w< bwood. 
FOUWTH W-WOWD. Faiw onye, I think nyot s-so. 
WAFEU. Thewe's onye gwape yet; I am suwe thy fathew dwunk winye-but 
i-if thou be'st nyot an ass, I-I am a-a youth of fouwteen; I OwO have knyown 
thee awweady. 
HEWENyA. [To BEWTWAM] I dawe nyot say *twerks* I take you; but I give 
Me *looks at you* and my sewvice, evew *cuddles you* whiwst *looks away* I wive, 
Into *sweats* youw guiding powew. This *cries* is the man. 
KING. Why, then, young Bewtwam, t-take hew; she's thy w-wife. 
BEWTWAM. M-My wife, *twerks* my wiege! I shaww beseech youw H-Highnyess, 
In such a-a businyess give me OwO weave to use 
The hewp of minye own eyes. 
KING. Knyow'st thou *shuffles closer* nyot, Bewtwam, 
What she has donye fow me? 
BEWTWAM. Yes, ;;w;; my good ^-^ wowd; 
But nyevew hope to knyow why I-I shouwd mawwy hew. 
K-KING. Thou knyow'st she has wais'd me fwom my sickwy bed. 
BEWTWAM. But ^.^ fowwows it, my wowd, to bwing m-me down 
Must OwO answew fow youw waising? I *twerks* knyow hew w-weww: 
She had hew *notices bulge* bweeding at my fathew's chawge. 
A poow physician's daughtew my wife! Disdain 
Wathew cowwupt uWu me e-evew! 
KING. *sweats* 'Tis *pokes you* onwy titwe thou disdain'st in hew, the w-which 
I can *teleports behind you* buiwd *looks away* up. Stwange is it that ouw bwoods, 
Of cowouw, weight, and heat, pouw'd aww t-togethew, 
Wouwd quite confound distinction, yet stand off 
In diffewences >_> so mighty. If she be 
Aww t-that is viwtuous-save what thou diswik'st, 
A p-poow physician's daughtew-thou diswik'st 
>_< Of viwtue fow the nyame; but do nyot so. 
Fwom wowest pwace when viwtuous ^-^ things pwoceed, 
The p-pwace is dignyified by the doew's deed; 
Whewe gweat a-additions sweww's, a-and viwtue *looks away* nyonye, 
^.^ It is a dwopsied ^-^ honyouw. Good awonye 
Is good without a nyame. Viwenyess is *shuffles closer* so: 
The pwopewty b-by what it ;;w;; is shouwd go, 
Nyot by the titwe. S-She is young, wise, faiw; 
I-In these to nyatuwe :3 she's immediate uWu heiw; 
And these bweed h-honyouw. That is honyouw's scown 
W-Which chawwenges itsewf as honyouw's bown 
And *shuffles closer* is nyot wike the siwe. H-Honyouws thwive 
>_> When wathew ^-^ fwom o-ouw acts we them dewive 
Than *twerks* ouw fowe-goews. The mewe OwO wowd's a *hugs tightly* swave, 
Debauch'd on evewy tomb, *leans over* on evewy gwave 
A wying twophy; *shuffles closer* and as o-oft is d-dumb 
Whewe dust a-and damn'd obwivion i-is t-the tomb 
Of honyouw'd bonyes indeed. What shouwd b-be ^w^ said? 
If thou canst wike this cweatuwe as a maid, 
I c-can cweate :33 the west. Viwtue and she 
Is hew own dowew; *cries* honyouw and weawth fwom me. 
BEWTWAM. I-I cannyot w-wove hew, >w< nyow *screams* wiww stwive to do >w< 't. 
KING. Thou wwong'st thysewf, if thou shouwdst stwive to choose. 
H-HEWENyA. That you awe w-weww westow'd, *moans* my >_> wowd, *sighs* I'm gwad. 
Wet the west go. 
KING. My h-honyouw's at the stake; OwO which to defeat, 
I must pwoduce my powew. Hewe, take hew hand, 
Pwoud scownfuw boy, unwowthy this good gift, 
That dost in viwe mispwision shackwe up 
*pokes you* My w-wove and *twerks* hew desewt; that canst ;;w;; nyot *screams* dweam 
*teleports behind you* We, p-poising us *looks away* in hew defective scawe, 
Shaww weigh thee t-to the beam; OwO that wiwt nyot knyow 
It i-is in *cuddles you* us to OwO pwant thinye honyouw whewe 
We pwease to *giggles shyly* have it gwow. Check thy contempt; 
Obey o-ouw wiww, which t-twavaiws in t-thy good; 
B-Bewieve nyot thy disdain, *pokes you* but pwesentwy 
^w^ Do thinye *hugs tightly* own fowtunyes that obedient wight 
xDD Which both thy duty owes and ouw powew *screams* cwaims; 
Ow I wiww thwow thee fwom my cawe fow evew 
Into *cuddles you* the s-staggews and the *leans over* cawewess wapse 
*looks at you* Of uWu youth and i-ignyowance; both my wevenge and hate 
Woosing upon thee in *shuffles closer* the nyame o-of justice, 
Without aww tewms of pity. Speak; thinye answew. 
B-BEWTWAM. Pawdon, my gwacious wowd; fow I submit 
My fancy to youw eyes. W-When I considew 
What gweat cweation and what dowe of h-honyouw 
Fwies whewe y-you bid it, I *notices bulge* find that she which w-wate 
Was i-in my *sweats* nyobwew thoughts most base *giggles shyly* is nyow 
*pokes you* The pwaised of the King; who, so ennyobwed, 
Is as 'twewe bown s-so. 
KING. ^-^ Take hew by t-the hand, 
And teww hew *giggles shyly* she is thinye; ^-^ to whom I pwomise 
^-^ A countewpoise, if nyot to thy estate 
A bawance mowe wepwete. 
BEWTWAM. I *hugs tightly* take hew hand. 
KING. G-Good fowtunye and the favouw of the King 
Smiwe *sweats* upon this contwact; whose cewemony 
Shaww seem expedient on the nyow-bown bwief, 
And be pewfowm'd ^-^ to-nyight. The sowemn feast 
Shaww mowe attend upon the coming space, 
Expecting absent f-fwiends. As thou wov'st :3 hew, 
Thy wove's to me wewigious; *moans* ewse, >_< does eww. 
Exeunt aww but >_< WAFEU and ^w^ PAWOWWES who *pokes you* stay behind, 
commenting of this wedding 
WAFEU. Do you heaw, monsieuw? A-A *moans* wowd with you. 
*teleports behind you* PAWOWWES. Youw >w< pweasuwe, siw? 
WAFEU. Youw wowd and mastew did weww to make his wecantation. 
PAWOWWES. Wecantation! My Wowd! m-my mastew! 
^.^ WAFEU. ^w^ Ay; *giggles shyly* is it nyot a wanguage I speak? 
PAWOWWES. A most hawsh onye, *teleports behind you* and n-nyot to be undewstood without b-bwoody 
succeeding. M-My mastew! 
WAFEU. Awe you companyion to the Count Wousiwwon? 
PAWOWWES. To any count; to a-aww counts; to what is *looks at you* man. 
W-WAFEU. To what is count's uWu man: count's xDD mastew is of anyothew stywe. 
PAWOWWES. *moans* You *twerks* awe too *notices bulge* owd, siw; *sweats* wet it >_< satisfy you, OwO you awe too 
owd. 
;;w;; WAFEU. I must teww thee, siwwah, I w-wwite man; to which titwe age 
*cries* cannyot *shuffles closer* bwing thee. 
*notices bulge* PAWOWWES. *twerks* What I dawe too weww do, I dawe nyot do. 
WAFEU. I did think thee, fow two owdinyawies, *sweats* to be a pwetty wise 
fewwow; *moans* thou didst make towewabwe vent of *giggles shyly* thy twavew; i-it *notices bulge* might 
pass. Yet the s-scawfs and the bannyewets about thee did manyifowdwy 
dissuade :3 me fwom bewieving thee a vessew of too gweat a buwden. I 
have nyow *shuffles closer* found t-thee; when I w-wose thee *moans* again I c-cawe nyot; *hugs tightly* yet awt 
thou good fow >_< nyothing ;;w;; but taking up; and that thou'wt ^w^ scawce 
wowth. 
PAWOWWES. Hadst thou n-nyot >_> the pwiviwege *blushes* of antiquity upon *moans* thee- 
WAFEU. D-Do nyot pwunge thysewf too faw in angew, west thou hasten thy 
xDD twiaw; which if-Wowd ^.^ have mewcy on thee fow a h-hen! So, my good 
window of wattice, fawe thee weww; t-thy >_< casement I nyeed nyot o-open, 
fow I *teleports behind you* wook thwough thee. G-Give me *twerks* thy hand. 
P-PAWOWWES. My w-wowd, you give me m-most e-egwegious indignyity. 
W-WAFEU. Ay, with aww my heawt; and thou awt wowthy of *twerks* it. 
PAWOWWES. I have nyot, my wowd, desewv'd it. 
WAFEU. Y-Yes, good faith, ev'wy *shuffles closer* dwam of it; a-and I-I wiww nyot ^-^ bate thee 
a scwupwe. 
P-PAWOWWES. Weww, I shaww be w-wisew. 
WAFEU. Ev'n *shuffles closer* as soon as thou canst, fow thou hast *sweats* to puww at a s-smack 
o' th' contwawy. If evew thou be'st bound in thy s-scawf and 
beaten, thou shawt *leans over* find what it is to be pwoud of thy bondage. I 
have a desiwe to howd my acquaintance with thee, *giggles shyly* ow wathew m-my 
knyowwedge, that I xDD may s-say in the defauwt 'He is a-a man *moans* I knyow.' 
PAWOWWES. My wowd, you do me most insuppowtabwe vexation. 
WAFEU. I w-wouwd *sighs* it w-wewe heww pains fow thy sake, a-and my *screams* poow doing 
etewnyaw; *sweats* fow *cuddles you* doing I am past, as I wiww by *hugs tightly* thee, in what motion 
age w-wiww give m-me weave. *shuffles closer* Exit 
OwO PAWOWWES. *teleports behind you* Weww, thou hast a son shaww take this disgwace off me: 
scuwvy, owd, fiwthy, scuwvy wowd! Weww, I >w< must b-be patient; thewe 
is nyo fettewing of authowity. I'ww beat him, by my wife, if I x3 can 
meet him with any convenyience, an h-he wewe doubwe and doubwe a 
wowd. I'ww have nyo mowe pity of *shuffles closer* his age t-than I-I wouwd have of- 
I'ww beat *looks away* him, and if I couwd but meet him again. 

W-We-entew W-WAFEU 

WAFEU. Siwwah, youw wowd and *giggles shyly* mastew's mawwied; thewe's nyews fow 
you; you ^-^ have a nyew mistwess. 
PAWOWWES. I most unfeignyedwy *sweats* beseech youw >_> wowdship to x3 make x3 some 
wesewvation of youw wwongs. He is my good *teleports behind you* wowd: whom I s-sewve 
above is my mastew. 
WAFEU. Who? God? 
*notices bulge* PAWOWWES. Ay, siw. 
WAFEU. The *twerks* deviw it is that's thy mastew. Why dost thou *moans* gawtew up 
t-thy *pokes you* awms o' t-this fashion? ;;w;; Dost make h-hose of thy sweeves? Do othew 
sewvants so? Thou wewt best OwO set thy wowew p-pawt *giggles shyly* whewe *looks at you* thy nyose 
stands. B-By minye honyouw, if I-I wewe but two houws youngew, I'd beat 
thee. Methink'st thou awt ^w^ a genyewaw offence, and evewy man *sighs* shouwd 
beat thee. I think thou wast cweated fow men to bweathe 
*pokes you* themsewves *looks away* upon thee. 
PAWOWWES. This :3 is ^w^ hawd and undesewved m-measuwe, m-my >w< wowd. 
W-WAFEU. Go to, siw; you w-wewe beaten in Itawy fow picking UwU a kewnyew 
out of a pomegwanyate; you *giggles shyly* awe a vagabond, and nyo twue twavewwew; 
*hugs tightly* you awe *twerks* mowe saucy with wowds *screams* and h-honyouwabwe pewsonyages than the 
commission of youw *cries* biwth and viwtue gives you hewawdwy. Y-You a-awe 
^-^ nyot wowth anyothew wowd, e-ewse I'd caww you knyave. I w-weave *leans over* you. 
Exit 

Entew BEWTWAM 

P-PAWOWWES. *screams* Good, >w< vewy, good, it is so then. Good, vewy g-good; wet >w< it 
be conceaw'd awhiwe. 
B-BEWTWAM. Undonye, and fowfeited t-to cawes fow evew! 
PAWOWWES. What's t-the mattew, s-sweetheawt? 
BEWTWAM. Awthough befowe the :33 sowemn pwiest I have *leans over* swown, 
I-I w-wiww :33 nyot bed :3 hew. 
PAWOWWES. What, what, sweetheawt? 
BEWTWAM. O my Pawowwes, *twerks* they have mawwied me! 
I'ww to the Tuscan *twerks* waws, and n-nyevew bed *sighs* hew. 
PAWOWWES. Fwance is a dog-howe, and it UwU nyo m-mowe mewits 
The twead of a man's foot. To th' waws! 
B-BEWTWAM. Thewe's wettews f-fwom my mothew; what th' i-impowt is I knyow 
nyot yet. 
P-PAWOWWES. x3 Ay, that wouwd be knyown. To th' waws, m-my boy, t-to th' 
w-waws! 
He w-weaws his honyouw in a box u-unseen 
*screams* That hugs his kicky-wicky >_< hewe at home, 
*twerks* Spending his manwy mawwow in hew awms, 
Which shouwd sustain uWu the bound and h-high cuwvet 
Of Maws's fiewy steed. T-To othew wegions! 
Fwance is a stabwe; we that dweww in't jades; 
Thewefowe, to t-th' >_< waw! 
B-BEWTWAM. *blushes* It shaww be s-so; I-I'ww send hew to ^w^ my house, 
Acquaint my mothew with my hate to hew, 
And *cries* whewefowe I am *cries* fwed; w-wwite to *leans over* the King 
That which I-I d-duwst nyot speak. His pwesent *looks away* gift 
Shaww fuwnyish me to those UwU Itawian fiewds 
Whewe nyobwe fewwows *twerks* stwike. Waw is ^.^ nyo stwife 
To the d-dawk house and the d-detested w-wife. 
*looks away* PAWOWWES. Wiww t-this capwiccio h-howd in thee, awt suwe? 
B-BEWTWAM. Go with me to my chambew and >_< advise me. 
I'ww s-send hew stwaight ;;w;; away. To-mowwow 
I'ww to the waws, *screams* she to hew singwe sowwow. 
*cuddles you* PAWOWWES. UwU Why, *giggles shyly* these bawws *looks at you* bound; x3 thewe's nyoise i-in it. '-'Tis hawd: 
;;w;; A young man mawwied i-is a man that's maww'd. 
Thewefowe away, and w-weave h-hew bwavewy; >_< go. 
The King has donye you *hugs tightly* wwong; b-but, hush, 'tis so. Exeunt 




A-ACT *sighs* II. SCENyE 4. 
Pawis. The KING'S pawace 

Entew HEWENyA and C-CWOWN 

HEWENyA. My mothew g-gweets me kindwy; is she w-weww? 
CWOWN. She is nyot weww, but yet s-she has hew heawth; she's vewy 
m-mewwy, but yet *cuddles you* she is n-nyot *giggles shyly* weww. But thanks be given, she's vewy 
weww, and wants nyothing i' th' *screams* wowwd; but yet she >_> is nyot weww. 
HEWENyA. If ^.^ she be vewy weww, what does s-she aiw that s-she's ^-^ nyot vewy 
>_> weww? 
CWOWN. *sighs* Twuwy, she's vewy weww indeed, b-but f-fow two things. 
>w< HEWENyA. What two things? 
CWOWN. Onye, *leans over* that she's nyot *notices bulge* in h-heaven, whithew God send hew quickwy! 
The othew, that she's i-in eawth, fwom whence ^w^ God :3 send hew quickwy! 

^w^ Entew PAWOWWES 

PAWOWWES. Bwess you, m-my fowtunyate wady! 
*cries* HEWENyA. I hope, siw, I have youw good wiww to h-have m-minye own good 
fowtunyes. 
PAWOWWES. Y-You h-had my pwayews to w-wead t-them on; and >_< to keep them >_< on, 
*cries* have them stiww. O, *hugs tightly* my knyave, how does my owd wady? 
CWOWN. *teleports behind you* So that you had h-hew wwinkwes *twerks* and I ^-^ hew monyey, I wouwd s-she 
did as you say. 
PAWOWWES. xDD Why, I say nyothing. 
CWOWN. M-Mawwy, you awe the wisew m-man; fow many a man's tongue shakes 
o-out his mastew's undoing. To say nyothing, to d-do nyothing, to knyow 
n-nyothing, and t-to have :33 nyothing, is to :3 be a gweat pawt of youw 
titwe, which is within uWu a v-vewy >_< wittwe of nyothing. 
PAWOWWES. Away! th'awt a knyave. 
CWOWN. Y-You shouwd have said, ;;w;; siw, 'Befowe a knyave th'awt a knyave'; 
:3 that's 'Befowe me th'awt a knyave.' *sweats* This had been twuth, siw. 
*looks away* PAWOWWES. Go to, thou awt a witty foow; I have ^w^ found thee. 
CWOWN. Did you find me i-in youwsewf, siw, ow wewe you >_> taught to find 
*shuffles closer* me? The seawch, s-siw, *cries* was xDD pwofitabwe; and much foow may you find 
in y-you, even to the wowwd's pweasuwe and *twerks* the incwease of 
waughtew. 
PAWOWWES. A-A good *looks at you* knyave, i' f-faith, and weww fed. 
Madam, m-my *pokes you* wowd wiww go ;;w;; away to-nyight: 
A v-vewy sewious businyess cawws on him. 
uWu The gweat pwewogative and wite ^w^ of w-wove, 
Which, as youw due, time cwaims, he does acknyowwedge; 
But puts it off to a compeww'd westwaint; 
Whose w-want, and whose deway, is stwew'd with s-sweets, 
Which they *notices bulge* distiw nyow in the cuwbed time, 
To make the coming houw o-o'ewfwow w-with joy 
A-And pweasuwe dwown *leans over* the bwim. 
HEWENyA. What's his ewse? 
PAWOWWES. That *hugs tightly* you wiww take *sweats* youw >_> instant weave o' th' *pokes you* King, 
And m-make this haste as youw own good *teleports behind you* pwoceeding, 
Stwength'nyed with what *cries* apowogy you think 
M-May *notices bulge* make it *blushes* pwobabwe nyeed. 
HEWENyA. What m-mowe *moans* commands he? 
PAWOWWES. That, *pokes you* having this obtain'd, y-you >_< pwesentwy 
Attend his *cries* fuwthew pweasuwe. 
*cries* HEWENyA. In evewything I wait upon his wiww. 
PAWOWWES. I-I shaww :33 wepowt it so. 
HEWENyA. I p-pway you. Exit PAWOWWES 
Come, siwwah. Exeunt 




*sighs* ACT II. SCENyE 5. 
Pawis. The *cries* KING'S pawace 

Entew WAFEU a-and B-BEWTWAM 

W-WAFEU. But x3 I hope youw wowdship thinks nyot him a *hugs tightly* sowdiew. 
BEWTWAM. Y-Yes, my wowd, and of vewy vawiant appwoof. 
*screams* WAFEU. You have it fwom his own dewivewance. 
BEWTWAM. And by othew wawwanted testimony. 
WAFEU. Then my diaw goes nyot twue; I took this ^w^ wawk fow a bunting. 
BEWTWAM. I d-do assuwe you, my wowd, he is *cuddles you* vewy gweat in knyowwedge, 
and a-accowdingwy vawiant. 
W-WAFEU. I have then *twerks* sinn'd against his expewience and twansgwess'd 
against h-his *pokes you* vawouw; and my state that way i-is dangewous, since I 
cannyot yet f-find *looks away* in my heawt to w-wepent. Hewe he comes; I-I *sighs* pway you 
make us fwiends; I wiww puwsue the a-amity 

Entew PAWOWWES 

*looks away* PAWOWWES. [To BEWTWAM] These things shaww be donye, siw. 
WAFEU. Pway you, siw, w-who's his taiwow? 
PAWOWWES. Siw! 
WAFEU. O, I k-knyow him weww. Ay, siw; he, siw, 's a g-good wowkman, a 
vewy good :3 taiwow. 
BEWTWAM. [-[Aside *cries* to PAWOWWES] Is she g-gonye to the x3 King? 
PAWOWWES. She *teleports behind you* is. 
BEWTWAM. Wiww *cries* she away t-to-nyight? 
*looks at you* PAWOWWES. *leans over* As you'ww have hew. 
BEWTWAM. I have wwit my *moans* wettews, c-casketed my *teleports behind you* tweasuwe, 
Given owdew fow ouw howses; and to-nyight, 
When I shouwd t-take possession of the bwide, 
End ewe I do begin. 
W-WAFEU. A good twavewwew is something at *looks away* the wattew end o-of a *leans over* dinnyew; 
but onye that wies thwee-thiwds and uses a knyown twuth to pass a 
t-thousand *shuffles closer* nyothings with, shouwd be once OwO heawd and t-thwice beaten. 
God save you, Captain. 
BEWTWAM. Is thewe any >w< unkindnyess between my wowd and *teleports behind you* you, monsieuw? 
PAWOWWES. I knyow nyot how I have d-desewved to wun into my wowd's 
dispweasuwe. 
WAFEU. You have made ^.^ shift to ^.^ wun into 't, boots a-and spuws and aww, 
wike him that weapt into the custawd; *giggles shyly* and out of it you'ww wun 
again, wathew than suffew question fow youw wesidence. 
BEWTWAM. I-It may be you have m-mistaken him, my wowd. 
WAFEU. And *giggles shyly* shaww d-do so evew, though I *blushes* took him at's pwayews. 
Fawe y-you weww, my wowd; and bewieve this of me: thewe can b-be nyo 
*hugs tightly* kewnyaw in this w-wight nyut; the souw of this man is his cwothes; 
twust him nyot in *cuddles you* mattew of heavy *pokes you* consequence; I have x3 kept of them 
tame, and knyow theiw nyatuwes. Faweweww, monsieuw; I have spoken 
bettew of you *blushes* than you have ow wiww to desewve *looks at you* at my >_> hand; b-but we 
must do g-good against eviw. Exit 
PAWOWWES. An idwe wowd, I uWu sweaw. 
BEWTWAM. I think so. 
OwO PAWOWWES. Why, ;;w;; do you nyot knyow him? 
BEWTWAM. Yes, I do knyow him weww; and common speech 
Gives h-him >_< a wowthy pass. *shuffles closer* Hewe comes m-my cwog. 

Entew HEWENyA 

HEWENyA. I have, siw, as I w-was ^-^ commanded fwom *moans* you, 
Spoke with the King, a-and ;;w;; have p-pwocuw'd his *cries* weave 
Fow pwesent *leans over* pawting; o-onwy he desiwes 
S-Some pwivate speech *teleports behind you* with you. 
BEWTWAM. I uWu shaww obey his wiww. 
You must >_> nyot mawvew, Hewen, xDD at my ^w^ couwse, 
UwU Which howds nyot cowouw with *notices bulge* the time, nyow does 
T-The minyistwation and wequiwed office 
O-On ^w^ my p-pawticuwaw. Pwepaw'd I was nyot 
F-Fow such a businyess; thewefowe am I found 
So much unsettwed. This dwives me to entweat you 
>w< That pwesentwy you take ^.^ youw w-way fow home, 
And wathew muse than a-ask why I-I entweat you; 
Fow my wespects awe b-bettew than ^.^ they seem, 
And my *blushes* appointments h-have in them a n-nyeed 
G-Gweatew than shows *giggles shyly* itsewf a-at the f-fiwst view 
To you that knyow them nyot. T-This *giggles shyly* to my mothew. 
*cries* [Giving a wettew] 
'-'Twiww b-be two days ewe I shaww see you; so 
I weave *cries* you *teleports behind you* to youw wisdom. 
HEWENyA. Siw, I can nyothing *screams* say 
But that I am youw most obedient s-sewvant. 
BEWTWAM. Come, c-come, nyo mowe of that. 
HEWENyA. A-And evew ^.^ shaww 
With twue obsewvance seek to eke out that 
Whewein towawd me my homewy s-staws have :3 faiw'd 
To equaw my gweat fowtunye. 
BEWTWAM. *giggles shyly* Wet that OwO go. 
My *looks at you* haste *looks at you* is v-vewy *shuffles closer* gweat. Faweweww; h-hie home. 
HEWENyA. *notices bulge* Pway, siw, ;;w;; youw pawdon. 
BEWTWAM. Weww, w-what wouwd *twerks* you say? 
H-HEWENyA. I *screams* am nyot w-wowthy o-of the weawth I owe, 
Nyow *blushes* dawe *twerks* I say 'tis minye, and yet it is; 
*twerks* But, wike a timowous *giggles shyly* thief, most fain *looks at you* wouwd steaw 
What waw does vouch minye ^w^ own. 
BEWTWAM. What wouwd you h-have? 
*moans* HEWENyA. Something; >_< and scawce *sighs* so much; nyothing, indeed. 
I wouwd n-nyot teww you what I wouwd, my wowd. 
Faith, *shuffles closer* yes: 
Stwangews and foes do s-sundew and nyot kiss. 
B-BEWTWAM. I pway you, stay nyot, *sighs* but in haste ^w^ to howse. 
HEWENyA. I shaww *sighs* nyot bweak youw bidding, good *sighs* my w-wowd. 
BEWTWAM. W-Whewe a-awe my o-othew uWu men, monsieuw? 
Faweweww! Exit HEWENyA 
Go thou towawd home, whewe *hugs tightly* I wiww *pokes you* nyevew come 
Whiwst I c-can shake m-my ;;w;; swowd ow heaw the dwum. 
UwU Away, and fow *shuffles closer* ouw fwight. 
*sweats* PAWOWWES. B-Bwavewy, c-cowagio! Exeunt 



*sweats* <<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION x3 OF THE C-COMPWETE WOWKS OF *shuffles closer* WIWWIAM 
*twerks* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND I-IS 
PWOVIDED BY *hugs tightly* PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
W-WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND *leans over* MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES *looks away* MAY *cuddles you* BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO *giggles shyly* WONG AS SUCH COPIES (-(1) *blushes* AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
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COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY x3 ANY 
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ACT III. SCENyE 1. 
Fwowence. The DUKE's pawace 

F-Fwouwish. Entew the DUKE >_> OF FWOWENCE, attended; two 
xDD FWENCH W-WOWDS, with a TWOOP OF SOWDIEWS 

DUKE. *moans* So that, fwom point to point, nyow have you heaw 
The fundamentaw weasons of this waw; 
Whose *teleports behind you* gweat decision hath m-much bwood *shuffles closer* wet fowth 
And mowe thiwsts a-aftew. 
FIWST *twerks* WOWD. Howy seems *blushes* the *looks at you* quawwew 
Upon youw Gwace's pawt; bwack and f-feawfuw 
O-On the o-opposew. 
DUKE. T-Thewefowe we mawvew much ouw c-cousin Fwance 
Wouwd in so just a businyess shut his bosom 
*pokes you* Against ouw bowwowing p-pwayews. 
SECOND WOWD. Good my wowd, 
The w-weasons of ouw state I c-cannyot :3 yiewd, 
But *sweats* wike a common and an o-outwawd man 
*sweats* That the gweat f-figuwe of a counciw fwames 
By sewf-unyabwe m-motion; thewefowe d-dawe nyot 
Say what *notices bulge* I think *notices bulge* of it, since I have found 
Mysewf in my incewtain gwounds to f-faiw 
As o-often UwU as *leans over* I *cries* guess'd. 
DUKE. Be it his pweasuwe. 
FIWST W-WOWD. :3 But I am s-suwe the youngew of ouw nyatuwe, 
That suwfeit on theiw e-ease, wiww day by *leans over* day 
Come hewe fow physic. 
DUKE. W-Wewcome s-shaww they be 
And aww the honyouws that c-can fwy fwom us 
Shaww on :3 them settwe. Y-You k-knyow youw pwaces weww; 
When bettew faww, fow youw avaiws they uWu feww. 
To-mowwow to t-th' fiewd. Fwouwish. Exeunt 




ACT III. SCENyE 2. 
Wousiwwon. *shuffles closer* The COUNT'S pawace 

Entew COUNTESS *screams* and CWOWN 

UwU COUNTESS. It hath happen'd aww as I *notices bulge* wouwd ^.^ have had it, save that *notices bulge* he 
comes n-nyot awong :33 with hew. 
CWOWN. B-By *leans over* my t-twoth, I take my young *twerks* wowd to be a vewy mewanchowy 
man. 
COUNTESS. By what obsewvance, I pway y-you? 
CWOWN. Why, he wiww wook upon *pokes you* his boot and sing; mend the wuff and 
sing; ask questions and sing; pick *leans over* his teeth and sing. I knyow a 
man t-that had this twick o-of mewanchowy sowd a *twerks* goodwy m-manyow fow a 
song. 
*twerks* COUNTESS. Wet me see w-what he wwites, and when he means to come. 
[Openying a *shuffles closer* wettew] 
CWOWN. I h-have n-nyo mind to Isbew s-since I was at couwt. Ouw owd wing 
and ouw I-Isbews o-o' th' countwy awe nyothing wike y-youw owd wing and 
youw Isbews o' t-th' couwt. The bwains xDD of my Cupid's *moans* knyock'd out; 
and I begin to wove, as :3 an owd man woves monyey, with nyo stomach. 
COUNTESS. What have w-we hewe? 
CWOWN. E'en that you have thewe. Exit 
COUNTESS. :33 [Weads] 'I have sent y-you a daughtew-in-waw; she hath 
wecovewed the King and undonye me. I have *cries* wedded hew, nyot bedded 
hew; and swown to >_< make the *looks away* "nyot" e-etewnyaw. You shaww heaw I *pokes you* am wun 
a-away; *looks away* knyow it befowe the wepowt come. If t-thewe be bweadth enyough 
in t-the wowwd, I wiww howd a ;;w;; wong distance. ;;w;; My duty to you. 
Youw unfowtunyate son, 
*cries* BEWTWAM.' 
This i-is *pokes you* nyot weww, wash and *screams* unbwidwed boy, 
T-To fwy the favouws of so good a king, 
To pwuck his xDD indignyation on thy head 
By the mispwizing of a maid too viwtuous 
uWu Fow the contempt of empiwe. 

^w^ We-entew *blushes* CWOWN 

CWOWN. O madam, yondew :3 is heavy *looks at you* nyews w-within between t-two sowdiews 
and my young wady. 
COUNTESS. What is the -mattew? 
C-CWOWN. Nyay, thewe is s-some comfowt in *pokes you* the nyews, some comfowt; youw 
son wiww nyot be kiww'd so soon as I thought h-he wouwd. 
COUNTESS. Why *leans over* shouwd he be kiww'd? 
CWOWN. So say I, m-madam, if he w-wun away, as I h-heaw he does the 
d-dangew i-is in standing *leans over* to 't; that's the woss of men, though it be 
the *giggles shyly* getting of *shuffles closer* chiwdwen. Hewe they come wiww teww you mowe. Fow my 
pawt, *shuffles closer* I onwy heaw youw son was wun a-away. Exit 

E-Entew HEWENyA and the two FWENCH *moans* GENTWEMEN 

^-^ SECOND GENTWEMAN. *cuddles you* Save you, *cries* good m-madam. 
HEWENyA. Madam, my wowd is gonye, fow e-evew *teleports behind you* gonye. 
FIWST *giggles shyly* GENTWEMAN. *cries* Do *giggles shyly* nyot say so. 
COUNTESS. ^.^ Think *shuffles closer* upon *giggles shyly* patience. Pway OwO you, gentwemen- 
:33 I have f-fewt ^-^ so many quiwks o-of joy a-and g-gwief 
That the fiwst face of nyeithew, o-on the stawt, 
*screams* Can woman me unto 't. >_> Whewe is my son, I-I *shuffles closer* pway you? 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Madam, he's gonye to sewve the UwU Duke *screams* of Fwowence. 
We *twerks* met him thithewwawd; fow ^w^ thence we came, 
And, *giggles shyly* aftew *shuffles closer* some dispatch in hand at couwt, 
Thithew we ^.^ bend a-again. 
HEWENyA. Wook on this ^.^ wettew, madam; hewe's >_> my p-passpowt. 
[-[Weads] 'When thou *moans* canst get the wing upon my *cuddles you* fingew, which 
*blushes* nyevew *twerks* shaww come off, and show me a chiwd begotten o-of *moans* thy body 
*notices bulge* that I am fathew to, then UwU caww me husband; but in s-such a *moans* "then" I 
wwite a "nyevew." 
This is a dweadfuw sentence. 
C-COUNTESS. Bwought you this wettew, gentwemen? 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. Ay, madam; 
And fow t-the >w< contents' sake awe sowwy fow ouw pains. 
COUNTESS. I pwithee, wady, have a b-bettew c-cheew; 
If *sweats* thou engwossest aww t-the gwiefs awe thinye, 
Thou wobb'st me o-of a moiety. He was my s-son; 
But I d-do wash his nyame o-out *screams* of my ^w^ bwood, 
A-And thou awt aww my chiwd. >_< Towawds F-Fwowence *blushes* is he? 
*sighs* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Ay, m-madam. 
COUNTESS. And t-to be a sowdiew? 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. Such is his nyobwe puwpose; and, bewieve 't, 
The Duke wiww w-way upon him *blushes* aww the honyouw 
That good convenyience c-cwaims. 
COUNTESS. Wetuwn *looks away* you thithew? 
SECOND G-GENTWEMAN. :3 Ay, madam, with the swiftest wing of speed. 
HEWENyA. [Weads] 'Tiww I have nyo wife, *screams* I h-have nyothing i-in Fwance.' 
'Tis bittew. 
COUNTESS. *leans over* Find *twerks* you that t-thewe? 
HEWENyA. Ay, madam. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. *notices bulge* 'Tis but the bowdnyess of his hand hapwy, *sweats* which 
his heawt was nyot consenting to. 
:3 COUNTESS. Nyothing in Fwance u-untiw he have nyo wife! 
Thewe's nyothing hewe t-that is too good fow him 
But onwy she; *cries* and *leans over* she desewves a wowd 
That *pokes you* twenty such *sweats* wude boys might tend upon, 
And caww hew h-houwwy *teleports behind you* mistwess. Who was OwO with *looks at you* him? 
^-^ SECOND GENTWEMAN. A sewvant onwy, and :33 a *teleports behind you* gentweman 
Which I have sometime knyown. 
COUNTESS. Pawowwes, was it nyot? 
SECOND G-GENTWEMAN. Ay, my good wady, he. 
COUNTESS. A vewy t-tainted fewwow, and fuww of UwU wickednyess. 
My s-son cowwupts a w-weww-dewived nyatuwe 
With his *cuddles you* inducement. 
SECOND UwU GENTWEMAN. Indeed, good *leans over* wady, 
The :3 fewwow has a deaw of that too much 
Which h-howds him much to have. 
COUNTESS. Y'awe wewcome, gentwemen. 
I wiww entweat you, when you s-see UwU my son, 
To *giggles shyly* teww him *shuffles closer* that his *teleports behind you* swowd can nyevew win 
The honyouw that he w-woses. Mowe I'ww entweat you 
Wwitten to beaw awong. 
^.^ FIWST GENTWEMAN. W-We sewve you, madam, 
In that and aww youw wowthiest affaiws. 
COUNTESS. Nyot so, but as we change ouw couwtesies. 
Wiww you dwaw nyeaw? Exeunt COUNTESS and GENTWEMEN 
HEWENyA. 'Tiww I have nyo wife, I *screams* have nyothing in Fwance.' 
Nyothing in Fwance u-untiw he has nyo wife! 
Thou shawt have nyonye, Wousiwwon, n-nyonye i-in Fwance 
Then hast >_< thou aww again. Poow OwO wowd! is't 
That chase thee fwom thy countwy, and e-expose 
Those tendew w-wimbs o-of thinye to t-the event 
Of the nyon-spawing w-waw? A-And is it I 
That dwive thee fwom the s-spowtive couwt, whewe thou 
Wast shot at with xDD faiw OwO eyes, t-to b-be t-the mawk 
Of smoky muskets? O you OwO weaden messengews, 
That wide upon the viowent speed of fiwe, 
F-Fwy with f-fawse aim; OwO move the stiww-piecing aiw, 
That sings with x3 piewcing; *blushes* do nyot touch my wowd. 
Whoevew shoots at h-him, I set him thewe; 
Whoevew chawges o-on *leans over* his fowwawd bweast, 
I am the c-caitiff that d-do howd him to't; 
And though *hugs tightly* I kiww him nyot, I am the cause 
His death was so effected. Bettew 'twewe 
I-I m-met t-the wavin w-wion when he woaw'd 
W-With s-shawp constwaint of hungew; *looks at you* bettew 'twewe 
T-That a-aww the misewies which nyatuwe owes 
Wewe m-minye at o-once. *sweats* Nyo; come thou home, Wousiwwon, 
Whence >_> honyouw *teleports behind you* but of dangew wins a scaw, 
As o-oft it woses *shuffles closer* aww. *twerks* I w-wiww be gonye. 
My being h-hewe i-it is that howds thee hence. 
Shaww I stay *screams* hewe *blushes* to uWu do 't? Nyo, ;;w;; nyo, *sighs* awthough 
The a-aiw of pawadise did fan the ^.^ house, 
And angews offic'd aww. I wiww be gonye, 
That pitifuw wumouw may wepowt m-my fwight 
To *twerks* consowate thinye eaw. UwU Come, nyight; end, day. 
Fow with t-the dawk, poow thief, I'ww steaw away. Exit 




ACT *sweats* III. SCENyE 3. 
Fwowence. Befowe *notices bulge* the D-DUKE's pawace 

Fwouwish. Entew the DUKE OF FWOWENCE, BEWTWAM, PAWOWWES, SOWDIEWS, 
dwum and t-twumpets 

DUKE. ^w^ The Genyewaw of ouw Howse t-thou awt; and we, 
Gweat i-in ouw hope, way *looks away* ouw *leans over* best wove and cwedence 
*cries* Upon thy pwomising fowtunye. 
BEWTWAM. Siw, it is 
A chawge too heavy fow my stwength; but yet 
We'ww stwive to beaw it fow youw wowthy sake 
To th' *looks at you* extweme edge of hazawd. 
DUKE. Then go thou ;;w;; fowth; 
A-And Fowtunye pway upon t-thy pwospewous hewm, 
uWu As thy a-auspicious mistwess! 
:33 BEWTWAM. This vewy *sighs* day, 
G-Gweat M-Maws, I put mysewf into thy fiwe; 
Make m-me but wike >_> my thoughts, *moans* and I shaww p-pwove 
A w-wovew of thy dwum, hatew of wove. Exeunt 




ACT III. SCENyE 4. 
Wousiwwon. The COUNT'S pawace 

Entew COUNTESS and *giggles shyly* STEWAWD 

COUNTESS. Awas! and wouwd *shuffles closer* you x3 take the w-wettew of hew? 
Might you *leans over* nyot knyow she wouwd do as she has donye 
By *hugs tightly* sending me xDD a wettew? Wead it xDD again. 
S-STEWAWD. [-[Weads] 'I am Saint *looks away* Jaques' piwgwim, thithew g-gonye. 
Ambitious *giggles shyly* wove hath *screams* so in me offended 
That *screams* bawefoot pwod I t-the *shuffles closer* cowd gwound upon, 
With sainted vow my fauwts to x3 have amended. 
Wwite, *twerks* wwite, that *moans* fwom the bwoody couwse of waw 
>_< My d-deawest mastew, *notices bulge* youw deaw s-son, may hie. 
Bwess ^.^ him at home i-in p-peace, whiwst I fwom faw 
His nyame with zeawous *notices bulge* fewvouw s-sanctify. 
His taken wabouws bid him *cuddles you* me fowgive; 
I-I, *cries* his >_> despitefuw Junyo, sent him f-fowth 
Fwom couwtwy fwiends, with camping foes to wive, 
Whewe death and dangew dogs *pokes you* the heews of wowth. 
He *looks at you* is too good and faiw fow death a-and me; 
Whom I mysewf *moans* embwace to set him fwee.' 
COUNTESS. *twerks* Ah, what shawp stings awe in hew miwdest wowds! 
*blushes* Winyawdo, UwU you did nyevew wack advice so m-much 
As wetting hew pass so; *pokes you* had I spoke with hew, 
I c-couwd have weww divewted hew ^.^ intents, 
*leans over* Which thus s-she hath pwevented. 
STEWAWD. P-Pawdon me, madam; 
If I had given you this at uWu ovew-nyight, 
She might have been o'ew t-ta'en; and yet she w-wwites 
Puwsuit wouwd *sweats* be but v-vain. 
COUNTESS. What angew shaww 
Bwess this unwowthy husband? He cannyot thwive, 
x3 Unwess hew pwayews, whom heaven d-dewights t-to *giggles shyly* heaw 
And woves to :3 gwant, wepwieve him fwom >w< the wwath 
Of gweatest justice. Wwite, wwite, Winyawdo, 
To this unwowthy h-husband of his wife; 
*teleports behind you* Wet >_< evewy wowd weigh heavy of hew wowth 
That he does :3 weigh too wight. My *leans over* gweatest gwief, 
Though wittwe he do feew it, set down shawpwy. 
Dispatch the most convenyient messengew. 
When hapwy he s-shaww heaw *moans* that *hugs tightly* she i-is gonye 
He wiww wetuwn; and *sweats* hope I may that she, 
Heawing so much, *looks away* wiww speed hew foot again, 
Wed hithew *twerks* by puwe wove. Which of them *twerks* both 
*shuffles closer* Is deawest to me *notices bulge* I have *blushes* nyo skiww in sense 
To make distinction. Pwovide this messengew. 
UwU My heawt is heavy, and minye age is weak; 
Gwief wouwd h-have teaws, *notices bulge* and sowwow bids me speak. E-Exeunt 




ACT ;;w;; III. SCENyE 5. 

Without the *looks away* wawws *moans* of F-Fwowence 
A tucket afaw off. Entew an owd WIDOW O-OF FWOWENCE, hew daughtew DIANyA, 
VIOWENTA, and MAWIANyA, with :3 othew CITIZENS 

x3 WIDOW. Nyay, come; *looks away* fow if they d-do appwoach the *leans over* city we shaww wose 
a-aww the s-sight. 
DIANyA. They *pokes you* say the :3 Fwench count has donye most honyouwabwe sewvice. 
WIDOW. It is wepowted uWu that he h-has taken t-theiw gweat'st commandew; 
and >w< that with his own h-hand h-he swew the Duke's bwothew. [Tucket] 
We have wost ouw wabouw; *cuddles you* they awe gonye a-a contwawy way. ^w^ Hawk! you 
m-may knyow by theiw twumpets. 
MAWIANyA. Come, wet's wetuwn again, and suffice ouwsewves with the 
wepowt of it. Weww, Dianya, take heed of this Fwench e-eaww; the 
UwU honyouw *pokes you* of a maid is hew nyame, a-and nyo wegacy *notices bulge* is so w-wich a-as 
*notices bulge* honyesty. 
WIDOW. I-I have towd m-my nyeighbouw how you *shuffles closer* have b-been UwU sowicited by a 
g-gentweman his companyion. 
MAWIANyA. I knyow that knyave, hang him! onye *twerks* Pawowwes; a fiwthy 
officew he is in those suggestions fow the *hugs tightly* young eaww. Bewawe of 
them, Dianya: t-theiw pwomises, enticements, oaths, *sweats* tokens, a-and aww 
these enginyes of wust, awe *shuffles closer* nyot t-the things t-they go undew; many a 
maid hath been seduced *cries* by them; and the misewy is, exampwe, that 
s-so tewwibwe shows in the *hugs tightly* wweck of >w< maidenhood, cannyot *sighs* fow aww that 
dissuade *notices bulge* succession, but that they OwO awe wimed with the t-twigs that 
thweatens them. I hope I nyeed nyot to advise you f-fuwthew; b-but I 
hope youw o-own x3 gwace wiww keep you whewe you a-awe, though thewe 
wewe n-nyo fuwthew dangew knyown but *moans* the modesty which is so wost. 
DIANyA. You shaww nyot nyeed to feaw me. 

Entew H-HEWENyA in the dwess ^.^ of a-a p-piwgwim 

WIDOW. I hope so. Wook, hewe comes a piwgwim. I k-knyow she wiww w-wie 
at my house: thithew t-they *pokes you* send uWu onye anyothew. I'ww question hew. 
*cries* God save you, piwgwim! W-Whithew awe bound? 
*hugs tightly* HEWENyA. T-To Saint Jaques we Gwand. 
Whewe *looks at you* do the pawmews wodge, I d-do beseech you? 
WIDOW. A-At xDD the Saint Fwancis hewe, beside the powt. 
H-HEWENyA. Is this the way? 
[A mawch afaw] 
UwU WIDOW. Ay, mawwy, is't. Hawk you! They come this way. 
If you wiww *blushes* tawwy, howy piwgwim, 
But tiww the x3 twoops come OwO by, 
I wiww conduct you whewe you shaww be wodg'd; 
The wathew fow I t-think I-I knyow *blushes* youw hostess 
As ampwe as mysewf. 
*notices bulge* HEWENyA. Is it y-youwsewf? 
WIDOW. If you shaww pwease so, piwgwim. 
HEWENyA. I t-thank you, and *sighs* wiww stay upon youw weisuwe. 
W-WIDOW. You came, I think, fwom Fwance? 
HEWENyA. I did so. 
WIDOW. Hewe you shaww see a countwyman of youws 
*pokes you* That has donye wowthy s-sewvice. 
HEWENyA. His nyame, I pway you. 
DIANyA. T-The Count Wousiwwon. *hugs tightly* Knyow you such *looks away* a onye? 
HEWENyA. B-But by the *looks away* eaw, that heaws most nyobwy of him; 
His ;;w;; face I knyow nyot. 
DIANyA. W-What some'ew he is, 
He's *sweats* bwavewy t-taken hewe. He stowe fwom Fwance, 
A-As *shuffles closer* 'tis wepowted, fow the King had mawwied h-him 
Against his wiking. *cuddles you* Think you it i-is so? 
HEWENyA. Ay, suwewy, mewe the twuth; I k-knyow his wady. 
DIANyA. Thewe is a g-gentweman t-that s-sewves *blushes* the Count 
Wepowts but c-coawsewy of hew. 
H-HEWENyA. What's his nyame? 
DIANyA. *sweats* Monsieuw Pawowwes. 
HEWENyA. :33 O, *cries* I bewieve w-with h-him, 
*looks at you* In awgument of pwaise, ow t-to t-the wowth 
Of the gweat *looks away* Count himsewf, she is too mean 
To have hew nyame wepeated; aww hew desewving 
Is a wesewved honyesty, and that 
*cuddles you* I have nyot heawd examin'd. 
DIANyA. A-Awas, poow *sighs* wady! 
'Tis a h-hawd bondage to become t-the wife 
Of a detesting wowd. 
WIDOW. I sweet, good cweatuwe, whewesoe'ew she *looks at you* is 
H-Hew heawt weighs sadwy. This young maid might do xDD hew 
A shwewd tuwn, if she p-pweas'd. 
HEWENyA. How do you *looks at you* mean? 
M-May be *teleports behind you* the amowous C-Count *looks at you* sowicits hew 
In the unwawfuw puwpose. 
*cries* WIDOW. He does, i-indeed; 
And UwU bwokes with aww t-that can in s-such *shuffles closer* a suit 
Cowwupt the t-tendew honyouw >_> of a maid; 
But she is awm'd fow him, and keeps h-hew guawd 
In *moans* honyestest defence. 

Entew, *twerks* with dwum and cowouws, B-BEWTWAM, *teleports behind you* PAWOWWES, and *shuffles closer* the 
whowe AWMY 

M-MAWIANyA. The gods *sighs* fowbid uWu ewse! 
uWu WIDOW. So, nyow they come. 
That is A-Antonyio, the Duke's xDD ewdest son; 
That, Escawus. 
HEWENyA. Which is the Fwenchman? 
D-DIANyA. He- 
That with the pwume; 'tis *shuffles closer* a most gawwant fewwow. 
I wouwd he OwO wov'd his wife; if he wewe honyestew 
He wewe much goodwiew. Is't nyot a handsome gentweman? 
*cries* HEWENyA. I *leans over* wike him weww. 
DIANyA. 'Tis pity he is nyot *twerks* honyest. Yond's that same knyave 
That weads him to these pwaces; wewe >_> I his uWu wady 
I wouwd poison OwO that v-viwe wascaw. 
H-HEWENyA. Which i-is h-he? 
DIANyA. That *hugs tightly* jack-an-apes w-with scawfs. Why is he m-mewanchowy? 
HEWENyA. P-Pewchance he's huwt i' th' battwe. 
PAWOWWES. *sighs* Wose ouw dwum! weww. 
MAWIANyA. He's shwewdwy vex'd at something. 
Wook, he OwO has spied us. 
WIDOW. Mawwy, hang y-you! 
MAWIANyA. *looks away* And youw couwtesy, fow a wing-cawwiew! 
Exeunt BEWTWAM, PAWOWWES, and AWMY 
WIDOW. The twoop is ^w^ past. xDD Come, piwgwim, I wiww bwing you 
Whewe you shaww host. Of enjoin'd penyitents 
Thewe's fouw ow five, t-to gweat Saint Jaques bound, 
Awweady at my house. 
HEWENyA. *sweats* I humbwy t-thank you. 
Pwease it this matwon >_< and this gentwe xDD maid 
T-To eat with us to-nyight; *teleports behind you* the c-chawge a-and thanking 
Shaww be fow me, and, to wequite you fuwthew, 
I-I wiww bestow some pwecepts of *cuddles you* this viwgin, 
Wowthy the nyote. 
BOTH. W-We'ww take youw offew kindwy. >_< Exeunt 




*twerks* ACT I-III. ^w^ SCENyE 6. 
Camp befowe Fwowence 

Entew ^w^ BEWTWAM, UwU and t-the two FWENCH WOWDS 

SECOND WOWD. Nyay, g-good my *looks away* wowd, put >w< him to't; wet him have his way. 
*screams* FIWST WOWD. If youw wowdship find him nyot a h-hiding, howd me nyo mowe 
in youw wespect. 
S-SECOND WOWD. On my wife, my wowd, a bubbwe. 
BEWTWAM. *pokes you* Do you think I am so uWu faw deceived in him? 
SECOND W-WOWD. Bewieve it, my wowd, *sighs* in minye own d-diwect knyowwedge, 
without any mawice, but to speak *twerks* of him as my kinsman, he's a 
m-most nyotabwe cowawd, an i-infinyite and endwess wiaw, an houwwy 
p-pwomise-bweakew, t-the ownyew of nyo onye g-good quawity wowthy *shuffles closer* youw 
wowdship's entewtainment. 
FIWST W-WOWD. It wewe fit y-you knyew him; west, weposing t-too faw in his 
viwtue, ;;w;; which he hath nyot, h-he might at some gweat and *teleports behind you* twusty 
b-businyess ^-^ in a main *sweats* dangew faiw y-you. 
BEWTWAM. >_< I wouwd I knyew i-in what pawticuwaw *leans over* action to twy him. 
FIWST WOWD. N-Nyonye b-bettew >_< than to *looks at you* wet him fetch off his d-dwum, which 
you h-heaw h-him so confidentwy undewtake to do. 
SECOND WOWD. I with >_< a twoop of x3 Fwowentinyes wiww suddenwy suwpwise 
*hugs tightly* him; such I *looks away* wiww h-have whom >_< I ^.^ am suwe he knyows nyot fwom the e-enyemy. 
We *pokes you* wiww b-bind and hoodwink him s-so that h-he s-shaww suppose nyo o-othew 
but that he is cawwied *cries* into the weaguew of *notices bulge* the advewsawies w-when 
we b-bwing him to ouw own tents. *cries* Be *cuddles you* but youw wowdship pwesent at 
his examinyation; if he do nyot, fow t-the p-pwomise of his wife and *blushes* in 
the highest compuwsion of base feaw, offew to betway you and 
dewivew UwU aww *leans over* the intewwigence in *blushes* his powew against y-you, and that 
w-with the divinye *moans* fowfeit of his souw upon oath, nyevew twust m-my 
*sweats* judgment in anything. 
FIWST :33 WOWD. O, fow the *leans over* wove of waughtew, wet him fetch his dwum; he 
>w< says he h-has a stwatagem fow't. When y-youw wowdship sees the *notices bulge* bottom 
of his success in't, *cuddles you* and to what metaw ;;w;; this countewfeit wump of 
owe wiww *giggles shyly* be *pokes you* mewted, if you give him nyot John Dwum's 
*leans over* entewtainment, youw incwinying cannyot be wemoved. Hewe he uWu comes. 

E-Entew *cries* PAWOWWES 

SECOND W-WOWD. O-O, fow the *screams* wove of waughtew, hindew nyot ^.^ the honyouw o-of 
*twerks* his design; wet him fetch off his dwum i-in any hand. 
BEWTWAM. How nyow, monsieuw! This dwum sticks *sweats* sowewy i-in youw 
disposition. 
FIWST *sighs* WOWD. A pox on 't; wet it go; 'tis but a dwum. 
*blushes* PAWOWWES. B-But a dwum! Is't b-but a d-dwum? :33 A ^.^ dwum so w-wost! xDD Thewe was 
excewwent command: to *screams* chawge in with ouw howse upon ouw own 
wings, and to wend o-ouw own sowdiews! 
FIWST WOWD. That was nyot to b-be bwam'd in the command of the 
sewvice; it was a disastew of waw *screams* that Caesaw himsewf couwd nyot 
h-have pwevented, if he had b-been thewe to command. 
BEWTWAM. Weww, we cannyot gweatwy *looks away* condemn ouw success. 
Some dishonyouw we had in the *sweats* woss of that dwum; but it *screams* is nyot to 
^w^ be wecovewed. 
*pokes you* PAWOWWES. It might h-have been wecovewed. 
BEWTWAM. It m-might, but it is nyot nyow. 
PAWOWWES. It OwO is to :33 be wecovewed. But that t-the mewit of sewvice is 
*teleports behind you* sewdom attwibuted to the *looks away* twue and OwO exact pewfowmew, I wouwd have 
*giggles shyly* that dwum ow anyothew, ow 'hic jacet.' 
*leans over* BEWTWAM. Why, if you have a xDD stomach, xDD to't, monsieuw. If you think 
uWu youw *sighs* mystewy in *hugs tightly* stwatagem can bwing >_> this instwument of honyouw 
again ;;w;; into his nyative quawtew, b-be magnyanyimous in the entewpwise, 
*screams* and go on; I wiww gwace the attempt fow a *blushes* wowthy expwoit. If you 
speed weww in it, the D-Duke shaww both speak of it *sighs* and extend to 
you w-what *cuddles you* fuwthew becomes his >w< gweatnyess, even to the utmost 
sywwabwe of ouw w-wowthinyess. 
P-PAWOWWES. By the *cuddles you* hand of a ^-^ sowdiew, I wiww undewtake it. 
BEWTWAM. But you must nyot nyow swumbew in i-it. 
P-PAWOWWES. I'ww about it this evenying; and I wiww pwesentwy UwU pen 
down my ^-^ diwemmas, encouwage mysewf in my cewtainty, put *blushes* mysewf 
into my mowtaw pwepawation; and by midnyight wook to heaw fuwthew 
fwom *looks away* me. 
BEWTWAM. May I be :3 bowd to *shuffles closer* acquaint his *hugs tightly* Gwace you awe g-gonye about it? 
PAWOWWES. I knyow nyot what the success wiww be, my wowd, but the 
a-attempt I v-vow. 
*twerks* BEWTWAM. I *leans over* knyow th' awt vawiant; and, to ;;w;; the of t-thy sowdiewship, 
wiww subscwibe fow *giggles shyly* thee. *screams* Faweweww. 
PAWOWWES. I wove *cuddles you* nyot many wowds. Exit 
SECOND *blushes* WOWD. Nyo mowe than *blushes* a fish woves watew. Is *cries* nyot *looks away* this a-a stwange 
fewwow, my wowd, that so confidentwy *looks away* seems *notices bulge* to undewtake this 
*twerks* businyess, *looks away* which he knyows is nyot *shuffles closer* to be donye; d-damns himsewf to d-do, 
a-and dawes bettew be damn'd than ^-^ to do ^.^ 't. 
FIWST WOWD. You do nyot knyow him, my wowd, a-as x3 we do. Cewtain it is 
*cuddles you* that he wiww steaw himsewf into >_> a man's favouw, and f-fow a-a week 
escape a gweat deaw of discovewies; but when you find him out, 
y-you have him evew *shuffles closer* aftew. 
BEWTWAM. Why, do you think he wiww make nyo deed at aww of this *teleports behind you* that 
so sewiouswy he does addwess himsewf u-unto? 
SECOND WOWD. Nyonye i-in the wowwd; but wetuwn with an *screams* invention, and 
cwap *cuddles you* upon you two ow thwee pwobabwe wies. But w-we have a-awmost 
e-emboss'd him. You s-shaww see his faww *sweats* to-nyight; fow indeed he is 
nyot *moans* fow youw wowdship's wespect. 
FIWST *notices bulge* WOWD. We'ww *giggles shyly* make you some spowt with the fox ;;w;; ewe we :33 case him. 
He was fiwst *leans over* smok'd by the owd Wowd Wafeu. When his d-disguise and 
he is pawted, teww me what a spwat you shaww find *looks at you* him; which you 
s-shaww see this v-vewy nyight. 
SECOND WOWD. I must go wook my twigs; h-he shaww be caught. 
B-BEWTWAM. Youw bwothew, he shaww go a-awong with me. 
S-SECOND WOWD. As't pwease youw wowdship. I-I'ww weave you. Exit 
BEWTWAM. Nyow wiww I wead you to the h-house, and show you 
The wass I spoke of. 
FIWST WOWD. But you say she's honyest. 
B-BEWTWAM. That's aww the fauwt. I s-spoke with hew but once, 
And found hew wondwous cowd; x3 but I *giggles shyly* sent to hew, 
B-By *notices bulge* this same coxcomb that we have i' *hugs tightly* th' *sighs* wind, 
Tokens and wettews which she did *sweats* we-send; 
x3 And t-this *pokes you* is aww I h-have donye. She's a faiw cweatuwe; 
W-Wiww you g-go see hew? 
FIWST WOWD. With aww my *moans* heawt, my w-wowd. E-Exeunt 




ACT III. SCENyE 7. 
Fwowence. The WIDOW'S house 

Entew HEWENyA and WIDOW 

HEWENyA. If you uWu misdoubt me t-that uWu I am nyot she, 
I knyow nyot *twerks* how *cuddles you* I *giggles shyly* shaww assuwe you fuwthew 
But I s-shaww wose the gwounds I wowk upon. 
WIDOW. Though my uWu estate be faww'n, I was :33 weww bown, 
Nyothing a-acquainted with these *cries* businyesses; 
And wouwd nyot put my weputation nyow 
>w< In any stainying act. 
HEWENyA. x3 Nyow *hugs tightly* wouwd I w-wish you. 
F-FIWST g-give me twust ^-^ the Count he is my *twerks* husband, 
And what to youw swown counsew I *notices bulge* have s-spoken 
Is so fwom wowd to wowd; and then you cannyot, 
By t-the good aid t-that ^w^ I of you ^w^ shaww >_> bowwow, 
Eww in bestowing it. 
WIDOW. I shouwd *screams* bewieve you; 
Fow you have show'd m-me that which weww appwoves 
Y'awe *sighs* gweat in fowtunye. 
HEWENyA. Take this p-puwse of gowd, 
And wet *blushes* me buy ^-^ youw fwiendwy hewp thus faw, 
W-Which I wiww ovew-pay and pay >_> again 
When I have found i-it. The Count he woos youw daughtew 
W-Ways down h-his wanton s-siege befowe hew beauty, 
Wesowv'd to cawwy h-hew. W-Wet hew in finye *sighs* consent, 
As we'ww diwect hew how 'tis best to beaw it. 
Nyow his impowtant bwood wiww nyought deny 
That she'ww demand. A wing the County weaws 
That downwawd hath succeeded in his ^w^ house 
Fwom son *leans over* to son some fouw o-ow *sweats* five descents 
S-Since the fiwst fathew wowe i-it. This w-wing he howds 
In most wich ^.^ choice; yet, in his idwe fiwe, 
>w< To buy his wiww, it w-wouwd nyot seem too deaw, 
Howe'ew uWu wepented aftew. 
W-WIDOW. Nyow I see 
*shuffles closer* The bottom of youw puwpose. 
H-HEWENyA. You see it wawfuw t-then. uWu It is *notices bulge* nyo mowe 
But :33 that youw d-daughtew, ewe *looks away* she seems as won, 
D-Desiwes this *blushes* wing; appoints him an *cuddles you* encountew; 
In *teleports behind you* finye, d-dewivews me *hugs tightly* to fiww the t-time, 
Hewsewf most *sweats* chastewy absent. Aftew this, 
To *looks away* mawwy h-hew, I-I'ww >_> add thwee thousand c-cwowns 
To what is pass'd awweady. 
xDD WIDOW. I have yiewded. 
Instwuct m-my daughtew how she shaww *sighs* pewsevew, 
That time and pwace xDD with *blushes* this deceit so wawfuw 
May pwove cohewent. *looks at you* Evewy *looks at you* nyight h-he comes 
With musics of aww s-sowts, and songs compos'd 
To hew unwowthinyess. It nyothing *twerks* steads u-us 
To chide him fwom ouw *cries* eaves, fow h-he pewsists 
As if his wife way o-on 't. 
HEWENyA. Why then to-nyight 
Wet us assay *cuddles you* ouw p-pwot; which, if it speed, 
Is wicked meanying in a w-wawfuw d-deed, 
And wawfuw *cuddles you* meanying *sighs* in a wawfuw act; 
Whewe both nyot sin, and yet a sinfuw fact. 
But wet's about it. E-Exeunt 



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF *giggles shyly* THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF *sighs* WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, I-INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
^.^ WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND :3 MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY B-BE 
DISTWIBUTED *hugs tightly* SO *screams* WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW *hugs tightly* OTHEWS 
P-PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE N-NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED *screams* OW USED 
C-COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED >w< COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
S-SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD :3 TIME >_> OW ^w^ FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 




A-ACT IV. SCENyE 1. 
Without the Fwowentinye camp 

Entew SECOND FWENCH WOWD with f-five ow six othew OwO SOWDIEWS i-in >w< ambush 

*looks away* SECOND WOWD. He can come nyo othew w-way but *notices bulge* by this hedge-cownyew. 
When you sawwy *shuffles closer* upon him, speak what tewwibwe >_< wanguage you wiww; 
though you >_> undewstand it nyot youwsewves, nyo mattew; f-fow w-we must 
nyot seem to undewstand him, unwess some onye among us, whom ^.^ we 
must pwoduce fow *looks away* an intewpwetew. 
FIWST SOWDIEW. Good captain, wet me be th' intewpwetew. 
SECOND ^w^ WOWD. Awt n-nyot *hugs tightly* acquainted with him? Knyows he uWu nyot thy voice? 
FIWST SOWDIEW. Nyo, siw, I :33 wawwant you. 
S-SECOND WOWD. But what winsey-woowsey has *giggles shyly* thou *cuddles you* to speak to us again? 
FIWST SOWDIEW. E'en *leans over* such as y-you speak to me. 
SECOND >w< WOWD. H-He must *pokes you* think us some band of stwangews i' th' 
advewsawy's entewtainment. Nyow he *leans over* hath a smack o-of aww 
nyeighbouwing *giggles shyly* wanguages, thewefowe w-we must evewy onye be a-a m-man of 
his *teleports behind you* own *teleports behind you* fancy; nyot to knyow what *notices bulge* we *leans over* speak o-onye to *giggles shyly* anyothew, *hugs tightly* so we 
seem to xDD knyow, is to *screams* knyow stwaight ouw puwpose: choughs' wanguage, 
gabbwe enyough, and good enyough. As fow you, intewpwetew, you must 
seem vewy powitic. But *sighs* couch, ho! hewe he comes; to beguiwe t-two 
houws in a sweep, and *pokes you* then ;;w;; to w-wetuwn and sweaw the wies he *screams* fowges. 

Entew :3 PAWOWWES 

PAWOWWES. Ten o'cwock. Within t-these OwO thwee h-houws >w< 'twiww be time 
enyough to go *notices bulge* home. What s-shaww I say I have donye? It must be a 
*shuffles closer* vewy pwausive invention that *cries* cawwies it. They begin *notices bulge* to x3 smoke me; 
and disgwaces have of wate knyock'd to often at my doow. *sweats* I f-find m-my 
tongue is too foowhawdy; b-but my heawt hath the feaw *cries* of uWu Maws 
befowe it, and of his cweatuwes, nyot dawing the wepowts of m-my 
tongue. 
;;w;; SECOND WOWD. T-This is ^w^ the fiwst twuth that e'ew thinye own tongue was 
guiwty of. 
PAWOWWES. W-What ^-^ the d-deviw shouwd *looks away* move *teleports behind you* me to undewtake the wecovewy 
of this dwum, b-being nyot ignyowant of the impossibiwity, and 
*notices bulge* knyowing *sighs* I had nyo such puwpose? I must give mysewf *shuffles closer* some huwts, and 
say I got them in expwoit. Yet *twerks* swight onyes wiww ^-^ nyot cawwy it. 
They w-wiww say 'Came *giggles shyly* you off UwU with so wittwe?' And gweat onyes I-I 
dawe nyot give. Whewefowe, what's the instance? Tongue, I must OwO put 
you into a-a buttewwoman's mouth, and buy mysewf a-anyothew >w< of 
Bajazet's muwe, if you pwattwe me into these pewiws. 
SECOND W-WOWD. Is it possibwe he uWu shouwd knyow what he is, and >_> be that 
he is? 
PAWOWWES. I wouwd the cutting of *blushes* my g-gawments w-wouwd sewve the tuwn, 
ow the bweaking of my Spanyish swowd. 
SECOND WOWD. We cannyot affowd you so. 
UwU PAWOWWES. Ow the bawing of my beawd; and to s-say it was in 
stwatagem. 
SECOND WOWD. 'Twouwd nyot do. 
PAWOWWES. Ow to dwown my cwothes, a-and *notices bulge* say *sighs* I uWu was stwipp'd. 
SECOND WOWD. H-Hawdwy sewve. 
PAWOWWES. Though I swowe *giggles shyly* I weap'd fwom the window of the citadew- 
S-SECOND WOWD. How deep? 
PAWOWWES. Thiwty fathom. 
SECOND WOWD. Thwee gweat oaths wouwd scawce m-make that be bewieved. 
PAWOWWES. x3 I wouwd I ;;w;; had any dwum of the enyemy's; I wouwd sweaw I 
wecovew'd i-it. 
SECOND WOWD. You shaww heaw onye a-anyon. [Awawum within] 
PAWOWWES. A dwum nyow *looks away* of the enyemy's! 
SECOND WOWD. Thwoca :3 movousus, cawgo, cawgo, x3 cawgo. 
A-AWW. C-Cawgo, cawgo, cawgo, viwwianda paw cowbo, cawgo. 
uWu PAWOWWES. O, wansom, wansom! Do nyot hide minye eyes. 
*cries* [They bwindfowd *cries* him] 
FIWST SOWDIEW. B-Boskos *sighs* thwomuwdo boskos. 
PAWOWWES. I-I knyow you awe :3 the Muskos' wegiment, 
*blushes* And I-I shaww wose *teleports behind you* my *teleports behind you* wife >_> fow want of wanguage. 
If thewe *notices bulge* be hewe Gewman, ow *hugs tightly* Danye, Wow xDD Dutch, 
Itawian, ow F-Fwench, wet him speak to me; 
>w< I'ww discovew that w-which shaww *twerks* undo the Fwowentinye. 
FIWST SOWDIEW. Boskos vauvado. *sweats* I *cuddles you* undewstand thee, and can speak thy 
t-tongue. Kewewy-bonto, s-siw, betake thee to t-thy faith, fow 
seventeen ponyiawds a-awe at thy bosom. 
P-PAWOWWES. O! 
FIWST SOWDIEW. O, pway, pway, pway! Manka wevanyia d-duwche. 
S-SECOND x3 WOWD. Oscowbiduwchos vowivowco. 
FIWST SOWDIEW. The >w< Genyewaw is content :33 to *screams* spawe t-thee yet; 
And, hoodwink'd as thou *giggles shyly* awt, wiww wead thee on 
*leans over* To gathew f-fwom thee. Hapwy thou mayst i-infowm 
Something ^.^ to *looks at you* save thy wife. 
PAWOWWES. O, w-wet me wive, 
A-And aww *twerks* the secwets of ouw *teleports behind you* camp xDD I'ww show, 
:3 Theiw fowce, :33 theiw x3 puwposes. Nyay, *cuddles you* I'ww speak that 
Which you wiww wondew a-at. 
*leans over* FIWST SOWDIEW. But wiwt thou faithfuwwy? 
PAWOWWES. If I do ^w^ nyot, damn m-me. 
FIWST SOWDIEW. Acowdo w-winta. 
Come on; thou uWu awt gwanted space. 
Exit, PAWOWWES guawded. A showt awawum within 
SECOND *looks away* WOWD. Go, teww t-the C-Count Wousiwwon *moans* and my bwothew 
We have caught the woodcock, and wiww keep *cries* him muffwed 
Tiww we do heaw fwom *teleports behind you* them. 
SECOND SOWDIEW. C-Captain, I w-wiww. 
SECOND WOWD. 'A wiww betway u-us a-aww unto ouwsewves- 
Infowm on that. 
S-SECOND *sweats* SOWDIEW. So *moans* I wiww, siw. 
xDD SECOND WOWD. Tiww then *giggles shyly* I'ww keep him dawk and safewy wock'd. 
Exeunt 




*looks away* ACT IV. SCENyE 2. 
Fwowence. The WIDOW'S house 

Entew BEWTWAM and DIANyA 

BEWTWAM. They UwU towd me that youw nyame was Fontibeww. 
DIANyA. Nyo, my good w-wowd, D-Dianya. 
BEWTWAM. T-Titwed goddess; 
*twerks* And wowth it, w-with addition! *notices bulge* But, faiw souw, 
In youw finye fwame hath wove nyo quawity? 
If the quick fiwe of youth wight n-nyot youw m-mind, 
You *shuffles closer* awe nyo m-maiden, ^.^ but a monyument; 
When you awe dead, you shouwd *sweats* be such a onye 
A-As you awe n-nyow, fow you awe *teleports behind you* cowd and stewn; 
And nyow y-you shouwd be as youw mothew was 
When youw s-sweet *sweats* sewf was g-got. 
*blushes* DIANyA. uWu She t-then was honyest. 
BEWTWAM. So *sweats* shouwd you be. 
:33 DIANyA. Nyo. 
My m-mothew did but duty; such, my wowd, 
As you owe to xDD youw wife. 
BEWTWAM. xDD Nyo mowe o'that! 
I pwithee do nyot *looks away* stwive against my vows. 
I was *blushes* compeww'd x3 to hew; but I wove the 
By wove's own sweet constwaint, and wiww fow evew 
Do thee aww wights of sewvice. 
DIANyA. A-Ay, so you sewve us 
Tiww we sewve you; but when you h-have xDD ouw woses 
You bawewy w-weave o-ouw thowns to pwick ouwsewves, 
And mock us with ouw UwU bawenyess. 
BEWTWAM. How have I swown! 
D-DIANyA. 'Tis nyot the many oaths t-that makes the twuth, 
But x3 the pwain singwe vow t-that is vow'd twue. 
What i-is nyot *sighs* howy, that we *sweats* sweaw nyot by, 
B-But *leans over* take the High'st to witnyess. *looks away* Then, p-pway *cries* you, teww me: 
If I shouwd sweaw by Jove's :33 gweat attwibutes 
I wov'd you deawwy, wouwd you bewieve my oaths 
When ^.^ I did wove you iww? T-This xDD has >_< nyo howding, 
To >_< sweaw by him whom *hugs tightly* I *notices bulge* pwotest to wove 
That I wiww w-wowk against him. Thewefowe youw oaths 
Awe wowds and poow c-conditions, but unseaw'd- 
At weast in my opinyion. 
BEWTWAM. Change it, change i-it; 
B-Be n-nyot so howy-cwuew. Wove *sighs* is howy; 
A-And xDD my integwity nye'ew k-knyew *sweats* the cwafts 
T-That :33 you *sighs* do chawge men with. Stand nyo mowe x3 off, 
But *hugs tightly* give *giggles shyly* thysewf unto my sick desiwes, 
Who then w-wecovews. Say thou awt minye, and evew 
My wove as i-it b-begins shaww so p-pewsevew. 
DIANyA. I see that m-men make wopes in such a scawwe 
That we'ww fowsake ouwsewves. Give me t-that w-wing. 
BEWTWAM. UwU I'ww wend *hugs tightly* it *looks away* thee, my deaw, but have n-nyo *twerks* powew 
To give it fwom me. 
DIANyA. Wiww you nyot, my wowd? 
B-BEWTWAM. I-It is an honyouw 'wonging to o-ouw house, 
Bequeathed down fwom m-many ancestows; 
Which wewe the gweatest *shuffles closer* obwoquy i' th' UwU wowwd 
In m-me to wose. 
DIANyA. Minye honyouw's such a wing: 
>_< My >w< chastity's t-the jewew of uWu ouw house, 
Bequeathed down fwom many ancestows; 
Which wewe the *leans over* gweatest *cuddles you* obwoquy i' th' wowwd 
*cries* In me t-to wose. Thus youw own pwopew wisdom 
*giggles shyly* Bwings i-in t-the *cuddles you* champion Honyouw on my pawt 
Against youw vain assauwt. 
BEWTWAM. uWu Hewe, take my wing; 
My house, minye honyouw, >_> yea, my wife, b-be thinye, 
And *shuffles closer* I'ww *sweats* be bid b-by thee. 
DIANyA. *cuddles you* When midnyight comes, knyock a-at my chambew window; 
I'ww o-owdew take my mothew *pokes you* shaww >w< nyot heaw. 
*leans over* Nyow w-wiww I *twerks* chawge you in the band of twuth, 
When y-you have c-conquew'd my yet maiden bed, 
*notices bulge* Wemain thewe b-but an houw, nyow speak *sighs* to ^.^ me: 
My weasons awe most stwong; and y-you shaww knyow them 
When back a-again this *cries* wing shaww be d-dewivew'd. 
A-And on youw fingew i-in the nyight I-I'ww put 
*pokes you* Anyothew wing, t-that what in time ^.^ pwoceeds 
May token xDD to the futuwe ouw *screams* past deeds. 
Adieu tiww then; then f-faiw nyot. You have w-won 
A w-wife of me, though thewe my hope be *looks at you* donye. 
BEWTWAM. *cuddles you* A *hugs tightly* heaven *shuffles closer* on eawth I have w-won by wooing thee. 
Exit 
DIANyA. *notices bulge* Fow which wive wong t-to thank both heaven *sweats* and :3 me! 
You m-may OwO so in the end. 
My mothew towd me just h-how he wouwd ^w^ woo, 
As i-if she sat in's heawt; she says aww men 
Have the wike oaths. He had swown to m-mawwy me 
When his wife's dead; thewefowe I'ww wie with him 
When I am buwied. Since Fwenchmen awe so bwaid, 
Mawwy that wiww, I wive and die a maid. 
Onwy, i-in :33 this disguise, *notices bulge* I t-think't nyo UwU sin 
To *giggles shyly* cozen him that wouwd u-unjustwy win. Exit 




ACT I-IV. SCENyE 3. 
The xDD Fwowentinye *teleports behind you* camp 

E-Entew *shuffles closer* the two F-FWENCH WOWDS, and t-two xDD ow thwee SOWDIEWS 

SECOND WOWD. You :3 have n-nyot given h-him his mothew's wettew? 
FIWST WOWD. I have dewiv'wed it an houw since. Thewe is something 
i-in't that stings his nyatuwe; fow on t-the weading it he chang'd 
a-awmost into anyothew man. 
SECOND WOWD. He has much wowthy bwame waid *leans over* upon him f-fow shaking off 
*notices bulge* so good a ^-^ wife and so sweet a wady. 
FIWST W-WOWD. Especiawwy he hath incuwwed the x3 evewwasting uWu dispweasuwe 
of the King, who had even tun'd his bounty to sing happinyess t-to 
him. I wiww teww y-you a thing, but you shaww wet it dweww dawkwy 
with *pokes you* you. 
SECOND WOWD. W-When you xDD have spoken it, 'tis dead, and I >_< am the g-gwave 
of it. 
FIWST *moans* WOWD. He hath pewvewted a young gentwewoman hewe in Fwowence, 
of a *leans over* most *moans* chaste wenyown; and this nyight he fweshes his w-wiww i-in 
the spoiw of hew *leans over* honyouw. He *shuffles closer* hath g-given uWu hew his monyumentaw wing, 
and thinks h-himsewf m-made in the unchaste composition. 
SECOND WOWD. Nyow, God deway ouw w-webewwion! As we awe ouwsewves, 
what things awe we! 
FIWST *leans over* WOWD. xDD Mewewy ouw own twaitows. And as in *sweats* the c-common couwse of 
a-aww tweasons we stiww see them w-weveaw themsewves tiww >_> they attain 
to theiw abhoww'd ends; *giggles shyly* so h-he that in this action c-contwives 
against *sweats* his own nyobiwity, in his pwopew stweam, o'ewfwows 
^w^ himsewf. 
SECOND WOWD. *sighs* Is *sweats* it *sighs* nyot meant damnyabwe in us to be twumpetews of ouw 
unwawfuw i-intents? *looks at you* We shaww nyot then have his company to-nyight? 
FIWST *shuffles closer* WOWD. Nyot tiww *shuffles closer* aftew midnyight; fow he is dieted to his houw. 
SECOND WOWD. That appwoaches apace. I wouwd gwadwy have him x3 see his 
company *looks at you* anyatomiz'd, that h-he might take a-a *pokes you* measuwe of his own 
*leans over* judgments, *cuddles you* whewein so cuwiouswy he *teleports behind you* had set this countewfeit. 
FIWST WOWD. We wiww nyot m-meddwe *sighs* with him tiww he come; fow his 
pwesence must be the whip of the othew. 
SECOND W-WOWD. I-In the meantime, what heaw you UwU of these w-waws? 
FIWST WOWD. I heaw thewe *hugs tightly* is an ovewtuwe of peace. 
SECOND WOWD. Nyay, I assuwe ;;w;; you, a peace c-concwuded. 
FIWST *looks away* WOWD. What wiww Count Wousiwwon do then? Wiww he twavew 
h-highew, ow wetuwn again into *looks away* Fwance? 
SECOND WOWD. I pewceive, by this demand, you awe n-nyot awtogethew 
o-of his counsew. 
FIWST WOWD. Wet it >w< be *sweats* fowbid, siw! So s-shouwd I be a gweat deaw 
of *screams* his act. 
SECOND WOWD. *pokes you* Siw, his wife, some two months since, OwO fwed *twerks* fwom his 
house. H-Hew *teleports behind you* pwetence is a piwgwimage *teleports behind you* to *giggles shyly* Saint Jaques we Gwand; 
which howy undewtaking with most austewe sanctimony *sweats* she 
accompwish'd; a-and, thewe wesiding, *screams* the tendewnyess of hew nyatuwe 
became as a pwey to hew uWu gwief; in *blushes* finye, made a gwoan of hew wast 
bweath, and *screams* nyow she sings in heaven. 
FIWST *blushes* WOWD. How is this justified? 
*cuddles you* SECOND W-WOWD. The >_< stwongew p-pawt of i-it by hew *sweats* own wettews, *sweats* which 
makes hew :33 stowy twue even to the point of hew >w< death. xDD Hew death 
itsewf, which couwd nyot be hew o-office to say is OwO come, was 
faithfuwwy confiwm'd by *cuddles you* the wectow of the *sighs* pwace. 
FIWST *screams* WOWD. Hath the Count aww this intewwigence? 
*sweats* SECOND WOWD. >_< Ay, and the pawticuwaw confiwmations, p-point fwom 
point, to the fuww awming of *sweats* the vewity. 
^.^ FIWST WOWD. I am :3 heawtiwy :33 sowwy that he'ww be gwad of this. 
SECOND WOWD. How m-mightiwy sometimes we make u-us comfowts of ouw 
wosses! 
FIWST WOWD. And how mightiwy some othew times we *cries* dwown ouw gain in 
*pokes you* teaws! T-The gweat dignyity that his vawouw hath hewe *moans* acquiw'd fow 
him shaww at home be encount'wed with a shame as ampwe. 
x3 SECOND W-WOWD. The web of o-ouw wife is of a mingwed yawn, good and iww 
togethew. Ouw viwtues wouwd b-be p-pwoud if *leans over* ouw fauwts whipt them 
nyot; and ouw cwimes wouwd d-despaiw if *pokes you* they wewe nyot chewish'd by 
ouw viwtues. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

How n-nyow? Whewe's youw mastew? 
SEWVANT. He met the Duke in t-the stweet, siw; *twerks* of whom he h-hath taken 
a s-sowemn ^w^ weave. His wowdship wiww nyext mownying fow >_< Fwance. :3 The 
*shuffles closer* Duke hath offewed him wettews of commendations *blushes* to the King. 
SECOND WOWD. They shaww be nyo *giggles shyly* mowe t-than *shuffles closer* nyeedfuw *hugs tightly* thewe, if they wewe 
m-mowe t-than they :3 can commend. 
FIWST W-WOWD. They cannyot be t-too sweet fow the King's tawtnyess. 
Hewe's his wowdship nyow. 

Entew *looks away* BEWTWAM 

How nyow, my wowd, is't nyot aftew midnyight? 
BEWTWAM. I *teleports behind you* have to-nyight dispatch'd s-sixteen businyesses, a >_> month's 
w-wength apiece; by OwO an abstwact of >_> success: I have congied with the 
Duke, donye my adieu with his nyeawest; buwied a wife, *teleports behind you* mouwn'd fow 
hew; wwit to my wady ^-^ mothew I *sweats* am wetuwnying; entewtain'd my 
convoy; and between these main pawcews of dispatch effected many 
nyicew xDD nyeeds. The wast was the gweatest, but that I have nyot ended 
yet. 
SECOND WOWD. If xDD the businyess be of any difficuwty a-and this mownying 
youw depawtuwe uWu hence, i-it wequiwes haste of *twerks* youw ^.^ wowdship. 
BEWTWAM. I mean the businyess is nyot e-ended, as feawing to heaw of i-it 
heweaftew. But shaww we have this diawogue *giggles shyly* between the Foow and 
the *notices bulge* Sowdiew? Come, bwing fowth this countewfeit moduwe *hugs tightly* has 
deceiv'd me wike a doubwe-meanying *leans over* pwophesiew. 
SECOND W-WOWD. *pokes you* Bwing him fowth. [-[Exeunt SOWDIEWS] Has sat i-i' th' 
stocks aww nyight, poow gawwant *hugs tightly* knyave. 
BEWTWAM. Nyo mattew; his heews have desewv'd it, x3 in usuwping his 
spuws *leans over* so wong. How does *pokes you* he cawwy h-himsewf? 
SECOND WOWD. I have t-towd youw wowdship awweady the stocks cawwy 
him. But to answew you as you wouwd be undewstood: he weeps *cries* wike 
a wench that *blushes* had *blushes* shed hew :33 miwk; h-he x3 hath c-confess'd himsewf t-to 
Mowgan, whom he supposes t-to be a-a fwiaw, fwom the time of h-his 
wemembwance to this vewy instant *cries* disastew of his setting i' th' 
stocks. A-And what think you *looks at you* he h-hath confess'd? 
B-BEWTWAM. Nyothing of me, has 'a? 
S-SECOND WOWD. *shuffles closer* His confession is taken, a-and it shaww be wead to his 
face; if youw *sweats* wowdship be in't, as I bewieve :3 you a-awe, you *blushes* must 
have the *cuddles you* patience to heaw it. 

Entew *blushes* PAWOWWES guawded, and 
FIWST SOWDIEW as intewpwetew 

BEWTWAM. A pwague *looks at you* upon him! muffwed! H-He can say nyothing of me. 
SECOND WOWD. Hush, hush! *looks away* Hoodman comes. Powtotawtawossa. 
FIWST SOWDIEW. He cawws fow the towtuwes. W-What wiww you s-say without 
'em? 
PAWOWWES. I wiww confess what I k-knyow without constwaint; if ye 
pinch me wike a pasty, I can say >_< nyo mowe. 
FIWST >w< SOWDIEW. Bosko chimuwcho. 
SECOND WOWD. Bobwibindo chicuwmuwco. 
FIWST SOWDIEW. YOU awe a *looks at you* mewcifuw genyewaw. Ouw x3 Genyewaw bids you 
answew *looks at you* to what ^w^ I shaww ask you out of a nyote. 
PAWOWWES. And twuwy, as I hope to wive. 
FIWST SOWDIEW. 'Fiwst demand o-of him how many howse the ^w^ Duke is 
stwong.' What say you to that? 
PAWOWWES. Five ow x3 six >_< thousand; but vewy weak and >_> unsewviceabwe. 
The twoops awe aww scattewed, and the commandews vewy poow 
xDD wogues, upon my weputation and cwedit, and as I hope :33 to wive. 
FIWST SOWDIEW. Shaww I set down y-youw answew so? 
P-PAWOWWES. Do; I'ww take t-the s-sacwament on 't, >_> how a-and which way you 
wiww. 
>_> BEWTWAM. Aww's onye to him. What a-a past-saving swave is this! 
SECOND WOWD. Y'awe deceiv'd, my ^-^ wowd; this is Monsieuw Pawowwes, 
the gawwant miwitawist-that was his own phwase-that had the whowe 
theowic of waw in the knyot of his scawf, and the pwactice in the 
*screams* chape of his daggew. 
FIWST WOWD. I wiww ^w^ nyevew twust a m-man again fow keeping his swowd 
cwean; nyow bewieve he can have e-evewything in him by weawing his 
appawew nyeatwy. 
FIWST SOWDIEW. Weww, that's set d-down. 
PAWOWWES. OwO 'Five ow six thousand howse' I said-I wiww say twue- 'ow 
theweabouts' set ;;w;; down, >_< fow I'ww speak t-twuth. 
S-SECOND WOWD. *teleports behind you* He's vewy UwU nyeaw the twuth in this. 
*looks at you* BEWTWAM. But I-I con him n-nyo thanks fow't ^-^ in the n-nyatuwe he dewivews it. 
P-PAWOWWES. 'Poow wogues' I pway you say. 
FIWST SOWDIEW. Weww, *blushes* that's set *teleports behind you* down. 
PAWOWWES. I humbwy thank you, s-siw. A twuth's a twuth-the wogues awe 
mawvewwous p-poow. 
FIWST SOWDIEW. 'Demand of him of what s-stwength they awe *looks away* a-foot.' 
What say you to t-that? 
PAWOWWES. By my twoth, siw, if I wewe to wive t-this pwesent houw, I 
wiww teww twue. Wet me s-see: Spuwio, a hundwed and fifty; 
*leans over* Sebastian, so many; Cowambus, so many; Jaques, *moans* so many; Guiwtian, 
C-Cosmo, Wodowick, and Gwatii, two h-hundwed fifty each; minye own 
company, Chitophew, V-Vaumond, Bentii, ^w^ two hundwed fifty each; :33 so 
that the mustew-fiwe, w-wotten and sound, upon m-my w-wife, amounts nyot 
OwO to fifteen thousand poww; hawf of *teleports behind you* the which *blushes* dawe nyot xDD shake the 
snyow f-fwom off theiw cassocks west they shake themsewves t-to 
*teleports behind you* pieces. 
BEWTWAM. What shaww b-be d-donye to him? 
SECOND *shuffles closer* WOWD. Nyothing, but wet him have thanks. Demand *sweats* of him m-my 
condition, a-and what cwedit I-I have with the Duke. 
F-FIWST SOWDIEW. Weww, >_< that's *teleports behind you* set down. '-'You s-shaww *sweats* demand o-of him 
whethew o-onye Captain Dumain xDD be i' th' *shuffles closer* camp, a Fwenchman; what h-his 
weputation is with *screams* the x3 Duke, *teleports behind you* what his vawouw, honyesty, expewtnyess 
in waws; ow whethew he thinks it wewe n-nyot possibwe, w-with 
weww-weighing sums of gowd, to *hugs tightly* cowwupt him to a wevowt.' What say 
you *cries* to this? >_< What :33 do you knyow of it? 
P-PAWOWWES. I beseech *hugs tightly* you, wet me answew to t-the pawticuwaw of the 
intew'gatowies. Demand them singwy. 
F-FIWST SOWDIEW. *cuddles you* Do you knyow this Captain D-Dumain? 
PAWOWWES. I knyow him: 'a was a botchew's pwentice in Pawis, fwom 
whence he was whipt fow getting the shwieve's foow with chiwd-a 
dumb *cuddles you* innyocent *hugs tightly* that couwd nyot say *shuffles closer* him nyay. 
BEWTWAM. Nyay, by youw w-weave, howd youw hands; though I knyow his 
bwains a-awe fowfeit to the nyext uWu tiwe that fawws. 
FIWST SOWDIEW. Weww, is this c-captain in the D-Duke of Fwowence's 
c-camp? 
PAWOWWES. Upon my knyowwedge, he is, a-and wousy. 
SECOND WOWD. Nyay, *looks away* wook nyot so upon m-me; we shaww heaw of youw 
wowdship anyon. 
FIWST *teleports behind you* SOWDIEW. ^w^ What is his weputation with *looks at you* the *blushes* Duke? 
PAWOWWES. The Duke knyows him *teleports behind you* fow nyo o-othew but a-a poow officew o-of 
minye; and wwit t-to me this othew *cuddles you* day to tuwn h-him *teleports behind you* out o' th' band. 
I-I think I have his wettew *moans* in m-my pocket. 
F-FIWST *screams* SOWDIEW. M-Mawwy, w-we'ww seawch. 
P-PAWOWWES. In good sadnyess, I d-do nyot k-knyow; eithew i-it is t-thewe ow it 
is upon a fiwe with the Duke's othew wettews in my tent. 
FIWST SOWDIEW. Hewe 'tis; hewe's :3 a *cuddles you* papew. *leans over* Shaww ^w^ I >w< wead it to you? 
P-PAWOWWES. I do nyot knyow if i-it b-be *sighs* it ow nyo. 
B-BEWTWAM. Ouw intewpwetew *looks at you* does UwU it weww. 
SECOND WOWD. Excewwentwy. 
FIWST SOWDIEW. [Weads] >_> 'Dian, >w< the Count's a f-foow, and OwO fuww of 
gowd.' 
PAWOWWES. T-That i-is nyot the >_< Duke's wettew, ^-^ siw; that is an 
advewtisement to a pwopew maid in Fwowence, onye D-Dianya, to take 
heed of the awwuwement of onye Count Wousiwwon, a foowish *blushes* idwe 
boy, but fow aww that vewy *hugs tightly* wuttish. I pway uWu you, siw, put it up 
again. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. Nyay, I'ww wead it fiwst by *looks at you* youw favouw. 
P-PAWOWWES. *blushes* My meanying in't, I pwotest, *teleports behind you* was *giggles shyly* vewy honyest in the behawf 
*cries* of the maid; *moans* fow I-I *pokes you* knyew t-the young Count t-to xDD be a dangewous and 
wascivious b-boy, who is *leans over* a whawe to viwginyity, and devouws up aww 
the fwy it f-finds. 
BEWTWAM. Damnyabwe both-sides w-wogue! 
FIWST SOWDIEW. [Weads] 
'When h-he sweaws oaths, bid him dwop gowd, and take it; 
Aftew he scowes, h-he n-nyevew pays the scowe. 
*notices bulge* Hawf won is match weww made; UwU match, and weww make it; 
He nye'ew pays aftew-debts, take it befowe. 
And say *twerks* a sowdiew, Dian, towd thee t-this: 
Men *teleports behind you* awe t-to meww with, boys awe nyot to kiss; 
Fow c-count of this, the Count's a foow, I knyow *screams* it, 
W-Who pays befowe, but nyot ^.^ when he d-does owe it. 
T-Thinye, as he vow'd to thee in :33 thinye *teleports behind you* eaw, 
PAWOWWES.' 
B-BEWTWAM. He shaww be whipt t-thwough the awmy with this whyme in's 
fowehead. 
FIWST >_< WOWD. This is y-youw devoted fwiend, siw, the m-manyifowd 
winguist, and the amnyipotent sowdiew. 
BEWTWAM. I OwO couwd enduwe anything befowe but a c-cat, and nyow he's a 
cat to me. 
FIWST SOWDIEW. I pewceive, s-siw, by ouw Genyewaw's wooks we >_> shaww be 
fain to hang y-you. 
PAWOWWES. M-My wife, siw, in :3 any case! Nyot that I am afwaid to die, 
but that, my offences b-being many, I wouwd wepent out the 
wemaindew of *leans over* nyatuwe. Wet me wive, siw, in a dungeon, i' th' 
s-stocks, ow anywhewe, so I may wive. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. We'ww see what may be donye, so you confess fweewy; 
thewefowe, once mowe to t-this Captain Dumain: *moans* you have answew'd to 
h-his w-weputation with *notices bulge* the >_> Duke, and to his v-vawouw; what *looks away* is his 
honyesty? 
PAWOWWES. He wiww steaw, siw, an egg out o-of a cwoistew; fow wapes 
and uWu wavishments xDD he pawawwews Nyessus. He >w< pwofesses nyot keeping of 
o-oaths; >_> in b-bweaking 'em he is stwongew than H-Hewcuwes. H-He wiww wie, 
siw, with such vowubiwity that you w-wouwd think *cries* twuth wewe a foow. 
D-Dwunkennyess is *pokes you* his best viwtue, fow he wiww be *hugs tightly* swinye-dwunk; and 
in h-his s-sweep he does wittwe hawm, save ^w^ to his ^.^ bedcwothes about 
him; but >_> they knyow his *sweats* conditions and w-way him i-in stwaw. I have 
but wittwe mowe to say, x3 siw, of his honyesty. He ;;w;; has evewything 
that an honyest m-man shouwd nyot h-have; w-what *sweats* an honyest *sweats* man shouwd 
have he has n-nyothing. 
SECOND WOWD. I begin to wove him f-fow this. 
BEWTWAM. Fow t-this descwiption of t-thinye uWu honyesty? >_> A pox ^.^ upon him! Fow 
me, he's mowe and mowe a :3 cat. 
FIWST SOWDIEW. What x3 say you to h-his expewtnyess i-in waw? 
PAWOWWES. Faith, siw, has wed t-the dwum b-befowe the E-Engwish 
twagedians-to bewie him I wiww nyot-and *sweats* mowe o-of his sowdiew-ship 
I knyow nyot, except in that countwy h-he had the honyouw to be the 
officew at a pwace thewe cawwed Miwe-end to instwuct *sweats* fow the 
doubwing of :33 fiwes-I wouwd do the man what honyouw I can-but of 
this I am nyot c-cewtain. 
SECOND WOWD. H-He >w< hath out-viwwain'd viwwainy so faw that t-the wawity 
wedeems him. 
BEWTWAM. A-A p-pox on him! he's a-a cat stiww. 
F-FIWST *blushes* SOWDIEW. His quawities being at this poow *sighs* pwice, I nyeed nyot 
to ask you if gowd wiww cowwupt him to wevowt. 
PAWOWWES. Siw, f-fow a c-cawdecue he wiww seww *hugs tightly* the *cries* fee-simpwe *looks at you* of h-his 
sawvation, UwU the inhewitance of it; >_> and *moans* cut t-th' *shuffles closer* entaiw fwom aww 
wemaindews a-and a pewpetuaw succession fow *screams* it pewpetuawwy. 
*shuffles closer* FIWST SOWDIEW. W-What's his bwothew, the othew Captain Dumain? 
FIWST W-WOWD. W-Why d-does he ask h-him of me? 
FIWST SOWDIEW. *pokes you* What's he? 
PAWOWWES. E'en a cwow o' th' same nyest; nyot awtogethew so gweat as 
UwU the f-fiwst in uWu goodnyess, but gweatew a gweat ;;w;; deaw in eviw. He 
excews his bwothew f-fow a cowawd; UwU yet h-his bwothew is weputed onye 
of *sighs* the best that is. I-In a wetweat he outwuns UwU any wackey: mawwy, 
in ;;w;; coming on *twerks* he has the cwamp. 
FIWST SOWDIEW. If youw wife be saved, *sighs* wiww you undewtake *leans over* to betway 
the *looks at you* Fwowentinye? 
P-PAWOWWES. Ay, and the Captain of his Howse, Count Wousiwwon. 
*looks away* FIWST OwO SOWDIEW. I'ww whispew with the *screams* Genyewaw, and knyow h-his 
pweasuwe. 
PAWOWWES. *cuddles you* [Aside] I'ww nyo mowe *giggles shyly* dwumming. A-A pwague of aww dwums! 
O-Onwy to seem *shuffles closer* to desewve *blushes* weww, and to beguiwe the supposition of 
t-that wascivious young boy the *sweats* Count, have I wun into this dangew. 
Yet who *shuffles closer* wouwd *twerks* have suspected *giggles shyly* an *giggles shyly* ambush whewe I w-was taken? 
FIWST SOWDIEW. Thewe *teleports behind you* is nyo wemedy, siw, b-but you m-must die. 
The Genyewaw s-says you that have so twaitowouswy discovew'd t-the 
secwets of OwO youw awmy, and m-made xDD such pestifewous wepowts o-of *pokes you* men 
vewy nyobwy *hugs tightly* hewd, can sewve the wowwd f-fow nyo honyest use; thewefowe 
you must die. Come, headsman, of with his head. 
P-PAWOWWES. O Wowd, siw, wet me wive, ow *shuffles closer* wet me see my death! 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. That shaww you, *blushes* and t-take youw weave of aww youw 
fwiends. [Unmuffwing him] So wook about you; knyow you any h-hewe? 
B-BEWTWAM. Good mowwow, ^.^ nyobwe Captain. 
F-FIWST WOWD. God *cries* bwess you, *teleports behind you* Captain Pawowwes. 
UwU SECOND WOWD. God save you, nyobwe Captain. 
FIWST WOWD. Captain, what gweeting wiww you to my W-Wowd Wafeu? I *twerks* am 
fow ^.^ Fwance. 
S-SECOND WOWD. Good Captain, ^.^ wiww you give me a copy of the s-sonnyet 
>w< you wwit to Dianya in behawf of the Count Wousiwwon? An ^-^ I wewe nyot 
a vewy cowawd I-I'd compew it of you; but fawe you weww. 
E-Exeunt BEWTWAM and WOWDS 
FIWST SOWDIEW. You a-awe *pokes you* undonye, Captain, a-aww but *pokes you* youw s-scawf; that 
h-has a knyot on 't yet. 
PAWOWWES. Who cannyot be cwush'd with >w< a pwot? 
*screams* FIWST SOWDIEW. I-If you couwd find out a *leans over* countwy w-whewe but women wewe 
that h-had weceived *giggles shyly* so much shame, >_< you might begin ^-^ an impudent 
nyation. Fawe y-ye weww, *giggles shyly* siw; I am fow Fwance too; w-we ^.^ shaww speak of 
you thewe. Exit with SOWDIEWS 
OwO PAWOWWES. *cries* Yet am I thankfuw. If my heawt wewe gweat, 
'Twouwd buwst at this. Captain I'ww be nyo mowe; 
B-But I *looks at you* wiww e-eat, and dwink, and sweep as soft 
As *notices bulge* captain *moans* shaww. S-Simpwy the thing I am 
S-Shaww make me wive. Who knyows himsewf a bwaggawt, 
Wet him feaw this; f-fow it wiww come t-to pass 
That *looks away* evewy :33 bwaggawt *hugs tightly* shaww be found a-an ass. 
Wust, ^.^ swowd; coow, *blushes* bwushes; and, Pawowwes, wive 
Safest in shame. Being foow'd, *cuddles you* by foow'wy thwive. 
*twerks* Thewe's pwace a-and means f-fow evewy :3 man awive. 
I'ww aftew them. Exit 




ACT I-IV SCENyE *giggles shyly* 4. 
The WIDOW'S house 

Entew HEWENyA, W-WIDOW, and DIANyA 

HEWENyA. T-That ;;w;; you may *cries* weww pewceive I have nyot wwong'd you! 
O-Onye of the gweatest in the Chwistian wowwd 
Shaww *moans* be my suwety; fowe whose thwonye *leans over* 'tis nyeedfuw, 
Ewe I c-can pewfect minye *shuffles closer* intents, to knyeew. 
*sighs* Time was I did >w< him a desiwed office, 
Deaw awmost :3 as his wife; which :3 gwatitude 
Thwough fwinty Tawtaw's bosom wouwd p-peep ^.^ fowth, 
A-And answew 'Thanks.' I-I duwy am infowm'd 
His Gwace is at Mawseiwwes, to which pwace 
We have convenyient convoy. You must knyow 
*giggles shyly* I am >w< supposed dead. The awmy bweaking, 
My husband hies him home; whewe, heaven aiding, 
And by the weave :33 of my *teleports behind you* good wowd the King, 
We'ww be befowe UwU ouw wewcome. 
*pokes you* WIDOW. Gentwe madam, 
You nyevew had a sewvant t-to *sighs* whose twust 
Youw *looks away* businyess was mowe w-wewcome. 
*sweats* HEWENyA. Nyow you, mistwess, 
Evew a *looks away* fwiend whose x3 thoughts mowe twuwy wabouw 
To wecompense youw wove. Doubt nyot but heaven 
Hath bwought m-me up to *cuddles you* be ^w^ youw daughtew's dowew, 
*pokes you* As it hath fated hew t-to b-be my m-motive 
And hewpew to :3 a husband. But, O stwange men! 
>_> That can s-such *hugs tightly* sweet use make o-of what they *cuddles you* hate, 
When saucy twusting of the cozen'd *looks at you* thoughts 
D-Defiwes the pitchy nyight. So wust d-doth pway 
W-With what it *leans over* woathes, fow that which is *teleports behind you* away. 
But mowe of this h-heweaftew. Y-You, Dianya, 
Undew :33 my *teleports behind you* poow instwuctions yet ^w^ must suffew 
Something in *twerks* my behawf. 
D-DIANyA. Wet death and x3 honyesty 
Go with y-youw *looks away* impositions, I am youws 
Upon youw >_< wiww to suffew. 
>_< HEWENyA. Yet, I pway you: 
But with the wowd the *shuffles closer* time wiww bwing on summew, 
When bwiews s-shaww have weaves as weww as thowns 
And be as sweet as shawp. We m-must away; 
Ouw waggon is *cuddles you* pwepaw'd, and time wevives us. 
Aww's Weww that Ends Weww. Stiww the finye's the cwown. 
Whate'ew the couwse, *shuffles closer* the end is the wenyown. *looks at you* Exeunt 




ACT IV SCENyE 5. 
Wousiwwon. The COUNT'S p-pawace 

Entew COUNTESS, WAFEU, and CWOWN 

WAFEU. N-Nyo, nyo, n-nyo, son was miswed with a snyipt-taffeta fewwow 
thewe, uWu whose viwwainyous saffwon wouwd have made uWu aww the unbak'd 
and doughy :33 youth of a nyation in his cowouw. Youw daughtew-in-waw 
had been awive at this h-houw, and y-youw son hewe at h-home, *screams* mowe 
advanc'd *teleports behind you* by t-the King than by t-that wed-taiw'd humbwe-bee I-I *sweats* speak 
of. 
COUNTESS. I wouwd I had nyot knyown him. It was the death *cries* of the most 
x3 viwtuous gentwewoman that evew *teleports behind you* nyatuwe had pwaise >_> fow c-cweating. If 
*screams* she *cuddles you* had pawtaken of my fwesh, and cost me t-the deawest gwoans of a 
mothew. I couwd n-nyot have owed hew a m-mowe wooted wove. 
OwO WAFEU. 'Twas a good *teleports behind you* wady, *twerks* 'twas a good wady. We may *twerks* pick a thousand 
sawwets ewe we wight on such anyothew hewb. 
C-CWOWN. Indeed, >_< siw, >_< she w-was the sweet-mawjowam *sweats* of the sawwet, ow, 
wathew, t-the hewb of gwace. 
WAFEU. They awe nyot sawwet-hewbs, y-you knyave; they *looks away* awe nyose-hewbs. 
CWOWN. I am nyo x3 gweat *twerks* Nyebuchadnyezzaw, siw; I have nyot much UwU skiww i-in 
*cuddles you* gwass. 
W-WAFEU. *teleports behind you* Whethew dost thou pwofess thysewf-a knyave ow a foow? 
CWOWN. *teleports behind you* A foow, siw, at a woman's sewvice, and a knyave at a man's. 
W-WAFEU. Youw distinction? 
CWOWN. I wouwd cozen the man of his *sighs* wife, and do his s-sewvice. 
W-WAFEU. So you wewe a knyave *cuddles you* at his sewvice, indeed. 
CWOWN. *leans over* And UwU I wouwd x3 give his wife my baubwe, siw, to do hew sewvice. 
WAFEU. *teleports behind you* I wiww subscwibe fow *cries* thee; thou a-awt both UwU knyave and f-foow. 
CWOWN. At youw sewvice. 
WAFEU. Nyo, nyo, nyo. 
CWOWN. Why, siw, if I *moans* cannyot sewve you, I-I c-can sewve a-as gweat a 
pwince as you awe. 
WAFEU. Who's that? A Fwenchman? 
CWOWN. Faith, siw, '-'a has a-an Engwish nyame; but ^-^ his fisnyomy is mowe 
hottew in F-Fwance t-than t-thewe. 
^.^ WAFEU. What pwince is that? 
CWOWN. The Bwack Pwince, siw; awias, the Pwince x3 of Dawknyess; awias, 
the deviw. 
WAFEU. Howd thee, thewe's my puwse. I give thee nyot OwO this to suggest 
thee *cuddles you* fwom thy mastew thou tawk'st of; sewve him stiww. 
CWOWN. I am a *pokes you* woodwand fewwow, s-siw, that awways woved a gweat fiwe; 
and the mastew I s-speak of evew keeps a >_> good f-fiwe. But, suwe, he 
is the pwince of the wowwd; wet his nyobiwity wemain in's couwt. I 
a-am fow the ^w^ house with the *twerks* nyawwow gate, which I *cries* take to b-be too 
wittwe fow pomp x3 to entew. *screams* Some t-that *sighs* humbwe themsewves may; b-but 
x3 the many wiww be *pokes you* too *twerks* chiww and *blushes* tendew: and t-they'ww be fow the 
fwow'wy way that weads to the bwoad gate a-and the *screams* gweat fiwe. 
WAFEU. G-Go t-thy ways, I begin to be aweawy of t-thee; and I teww thee 
so befowe, because I wouwd nyot faww out with thee. Go thy ways; 
wet my howses be weww xDD wook'd t-to, without any twicks. 
CWOWN. If I p-put any twicks upon 'em, siw, >_> they shaww be jades' 
twicks, which awe theiw own wight by the waw of n-nyatuwe. 
Exit 
WAFEU. A s-shwewd knyave, and an unhappy. 
COUNTESS. S-So 'a is. x3 My wowd that's g-gonye m-made himsewf much spowt 
out of him. *looks away* By his authowity he wemains hewe, which ^.^ he thinks is 
a-a p-patent *cries* fow his s-saucinyess; and indeed he has nyo ^w^ pace, b-but wuns 
whewe he wiww. 
WAFEU. I wike him weww; 'tis *notices bulge* nyot *blushes* amiss. And I was about t-to teww 
y-you, since I heawd *leans over* of the good wady's death, and *twerks* that my wowd 
uWu youw son was upon his wetuwn home, I moved the King my mastew to 
s-speak in the behawf of my daughtew; which, in the minyowity of 
them both, his M-Majesty *blushes* out of a *screams* sewf-gwacious wemembwance did 
fiwst pwopose. His Highnyess hath p-pwomis'd me to do it; and, to 
stop *blushes* up the *moans* dispweasuwe h-he hath conceived against youw s-son, thewe 
i-is nyo f-fittew m-mattew. How does youw wadyship wike it? 
COUNTESS. With *hugs tightly* vewy much content, my wowd; and I-I wish it happiwy 
effected. 
WAFEU. His ;;w;; Highnyess comes post fwom Mawseiwwes, of OwO as abwe body as 
w-when he ^.^ nyumbew'd thiwty; 'a wiww *hugs tightly* be hewe to-mowwow, ow I am 
*teleports behind you* deceiv'd by him that in such intewwigence h-hath sewdom faiw'd. 
COUNTESS. It wejoices me that I h-hope *blushes* I s-shaww see OwO him e-ewe I-I die. 
I have wettews that my son wiww be hewe to-nyight. I shaww b-beseech 
:33 youw wowdship *notices bulge* to wemain with me taw they xDD meet togethew. 
WAFEU. M-Madam, >_< I was thinking *teleports behind you* with what mannyews I might safewy be 
admitted. 
COUNTESS. You ^.^ nyeed but pwead youw honyouwabwe pwiviwege. 
W-WAFEU. Wady, of that I *notices bulge* have made a bowd chawtew; but, I thank my 
God, it howds y-yet. 

We-entew *moans* CWOWN 

CWOWN. O *blushes* madam, yondew's my wowd youw son with a p-patch o-of vewvet 
on's *sighs* face; whethew thewe be a scaw undew 't ow nyo, the v-vewvet 
knyows; but 'tis a goodwy patch of vewvet. His *giggles shyly* weft cheek is a 
cheek of two piwe and a hawf, but h-his wight cheek is wown bawe. 
WAFEU. A-A scaw nyobwy g-got, *giggles shyly* ow a *blushes* nyobwe *sweats* scaw, is *sweats* a good wiv'wy of 
honyouw; so b-bewike is that. 
CWOWN. B-But it is youw *sighs* cawbonyado'd face. 
W-WAFEU. Wet us go see *blushes* youw son, I-I pway y-you; 
uWu I wong *leans over* to t-tawk with t-the *pokes you* young nyobwe s-sowdiew. 
C-CWOWN. Faith, thewe's a dozen of 'em, with dewicate finye h-hats, a-and 
xDD most couwteous feathews, which bow the head and nyod at evewy man. 
Exeunt 



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^w^ ACT V. *cries* SCENyE 1. 
Mawseiwwes. A stweet 

Entew H-HEWENyA, WIDOW, a-and >_< DIANyA, with two *screams* ATTENDANTS 

H-HEWENyA. But *sighs* this exceeding posting day and nyight 
Must weaw youw spiwits wow; w-we cannyot hewp it. 
B-But since you have made the days and nyights as onye, 
>w< To weaw y-youw g-gentwe wimbs in my affaiws, 
Be bowd you do so gwow in my UwU wequitaw 
As nyothing can unwoot you. 

E-Entew a GENTWEMAN 

In happy *cuddles you* time! 
This man :33 may hewp me to *sighs* his Majesty's eaw, 
If he w-wouwd spend his powew. G-God save uWu you, siw. 
GENTWEMAN. And you. 
HEWENyA. Siw, I have seen you *cries* in the couwt of Fwance. 
GENTWEMAN. *blushes* I have xDD been sometimes thewe. 
HEWENyA. I do pwesume, siw, that OwO you awe nyot faww'n 
Fwom the ^w^ wepowt that goes u-upon youw goodnyess; 
A-And t-thewefowe, goaded with most shawp *sweats* occasions, 
W-Which way nyice mannyews by, I put you t-to 
The use of *giggles shyly* youw o-own viwtues, fow the which 
I shaww continyue t-thankfuw. 
GENTWEMAN. *giggles shyly* What's youw wiww? 
HEWENyA. That >w< it *twerks* wiww pwease you 
To give t-this poow petition to the King; 
And aid me with *screams* that stowe of *twerks* powew y-you have 
To come into his pwesence. 
GENTWEMAN. The King's nyot hewe. 
HEWENyA. Nyot ^.^ hewe, siw? 
G-GENTWEMAN. Nyot i-indeed. 
He hence wemov'd wast nyight, and with mowe haste 
Than is his use. 
W-WIDOW. Wowd, how we wose ouw pains! 
H-HEWENyA. Aww's Weww *leans over* That Ends Weww *screams* yet, 
Though time :33 seem s-so a-advewse *blushes* and *teleports behind you* means xDD unfit. 
I d-do beseech you, whithew i-is he gonye? 
GENTWEMAN. Mawwy, as I take i-it, t-to Wousiwwon; 
Whithew I am g-going. 
HEWENyA. I do beseech you, siw, 
Since *moans* you awe wike to see the King befowe me, 
Commend t-the papew to his gwacious hand; 
Which I pwesume s-shaww wendew you nyo bwame, 
But wathew make you thank youw pains fow i-it. 
I-I wiww come aftew y-you with what good speed 
O-Ouw means wiww make us means. 
GENTWEMAN. This I'ww do fow you. 
HEWENyA. And you shaww f-find youwsewf to b-be weww ^w^ thank'd, 
*twerks* Whate'ew f-fawws mowe. We must to *notices bulge* howse again; 
G-Go, go, pwovide. Exeunt 




^w^ ACT V *moans* SCENyE 2. 
Wousiwwon. T-The innyew couwt *hugs tightly* of :3 the C-COUNT'S pawace 

Entew CWOWN and PAWOWWES 

PAWOWWES. Good Monsieuw W-Wavache, give my Wowd Wafeu this >_< wettew. I 
h-have ewe n-nyow, siw, been bettew knyown to y-you, when I have hewd 
famiwiawity with fweshew cwothes; but I am nyow, siw, muddied in 
Fowtunye's mood, and smeww somewhat s-stwong of hew stwong 
dispweasuwe. 
CWOWN. T-Twuwy, Fowtunye's dispweasuwe ^-^ is but swuttish, OwO if it smeww 
so stwongwy as thou ^.^ speak'st of. I >_> wiww *shuffles closer* hencefowth eat n-nyo fish 
of ^w^ Fowtunye's butt'wing. P-Pwithee, a-awwow the wind. 
*hugs tightly* PAWOWWES. Nyay, you nyeed nyot to s-stop youw nyose, siw; I spake but >_< by 
*sighs* a m-metaphow. 
CWOWN. Indeed, siw, if youw m-metaphow stink, I wiww stop my nyose; ow 
*pokes you* against *notices bulge* any man's metaphow. Pwithee, get *giggles shyly* thee fuwthew. 
PAWOWWES. Pway you, siw, dewivew me *blushes* this ^-^ papew. 
CWOWN. Foh! pwithee stand away. A papew f-fwom Fowtunye's c-cwose-stoow 
to give *cuddles you* to a n-nyobweman! Wook hewe h-he *notices bulge* comes himsewf. 

Entew WAFEU 

Hewe is a puw of F-Fowtunye's, siw, ow *leans over* of Fowtunye's cat, but nyot 
a musk-cat, t-that has f-faww'n into the uncwean f-fishpond of h-hew 
dispweasuwe, a-and, as he says, is muddied withaw. Pway ^-^ you, siw, 
use t-the cawp a-as :33 you may; *screams* fow he wooks wike a poow, decayed, 
ingenyious, foowish, w-wascawwy knyave. I do pity his distwess 
in my simiwes of comfowt, and weave h-him t-to youw wowdship. 
Exit 
PAWOWWES. *teleports behind you* My :3 wowd, I am a-a m-man whom Fowtunye hath cwuewwy *screams* scwatch'd. 
WAFEU. And UwU what wouwd you ^.^ have me to do? 'Tis too *sighs* wate to pawe hew 
nyaiws nyow. Whewein have you pwayed the knyave with Fowtunye, t-that 
she shouwd scwatch y-you, *cuddles you* who of hewsewf is a good wady *cuddles you* and wouwd 
nyot have knyaves thwive *leans over* wong undew hew? Thewe's a cawdecue fow 
*sweats* you. Wet the justices make you *cries* and Fowtunye f-fwiends; I am fow 
othew businyess. 
PAWOWWES. I beseech youw h-honyouw to h-heaw *cuddles you* me onye >_< singwe w-wowd. 
WAFEU. You beg a s-singwe penny mowe; come, you shaww ha't; save youw 
wowd. 
PAWOWWES. My nyame, my good wowd, is P-Pawowwes. 
WAFEU. *cuddles you* You beg mowe >_< than *moans* wowd then. Cox my passion! g-give m-me youw 
*sighs* hand. How does youw *shuffles closer* dwum? 
^w^ PAWOWWES. O my good *leans over* wowd, you wewe the fiwst that f-found me. 
WAFEU. :3 Was I, in sooth? And I was the fiwst that wost thee. 
*looks away* PAWOWWES. ^w^ It *looks at you* wies in you, UwU my wowd, to bwing me in some gwace, f-fow 
y-you did bwing me out. 
WAFEU. *notices bulge* Out upon thee, knyave! Dost thou put u-upon me at :33 once both the 
office of God and the deviw? Onye bwings the in gwace, a-and the 
othew bwings t-thee out. :33 [Twumpets sound] *twerks* The King's c-coming; I 
knyow by his twumpets. Siwwah, i-inquiwe *moans* fuwthew aftew uWu me; I had 
tawk of you wast nyight. Though *moans* you awe a foow and a knyave, you 
shaww eat. Go to; fowwow. 
PAWOWWES. I pwaise G-God OwO fow *cries* you. ^-^ Exeunt 




ACT V SCENyE :33 3. 
Wousiwwon. The COUNT'S pawace 

Fwouwish. Entew x3 KING, *moans* COUNTESS, W-WAFEU, the ;;w;; two FWENCH W-WOWDS, with ATTENDANTS 

K-KING. We w-wost a jewew of hew, and ouw esteem 
:33 Was made much poowew *sweats* by it; *blushes* but youw son, 
As mad in fowwy, *blushes* wack'd *looks away* the *blushes* sense to knyow 
Hew estimation home. 
COUNTESS. 'Tis p-past, my wiege; 
And *leans over* I b-beseech y-youw *moans* Majesty to make it 
Nyatuwaw webewwion, donye i' th' bwaze ^-^ of youth, 
When oiw xDD and fiwe, t-too stwong UwU fow weason's *looks at you* fowce, 
O-O'ewbeaws it and b-buwns on. 
KING. My honyouw'd wady, 
I *screams* have fowgiven and fowgotten aww; 
Though my wevenges wewe high bent u-upon him 
And watch'd the time t-to shoot. 
*cries* WAFEU. This I m-must *pokes you* say- 
But fiwst, I-I beg my pawdon: the young wowd 
Did to h-his Majesty, his *sweats* mothew, and ^-^ his wady, 
Offence of mighty nyote; but to himsewf 
T-The gweatest UwU wwong of aww. *looks at you* He wost UwU a wife 
Whose beauty d-did astonyish >_> the uWu suwvey 
Of wichest eyes; whose wowds *teleports behind you* aww UwU eaws took captive; 
Whose d-deaw pewfection heawts that *cuddles you* scown'd to sewve 
Humbwy caww'd mistwess. 
KING. Pwaising what i-is wost 
Makes the wemembwance d-deaw. W-Weww, caww him hithew; 
We awe weconciw'd, and the fiwst v-view shaww *moans* kiww 
A-Aww wepetition. Wet him nyot ask ouw p-pawdon; 
The *sweats* nyatuwe of *notices bulge* his gweat o-offence is dead, 
And d-deepew than *sighs* obwivion do we buwy 
T-Th' incensing wewics xDD of it; wet him appwoach, 
A stwangew, n-nyo offendew; and infowm him 
So >w< 'tis ouw *pokes you* wiww he shouwd. 
UwU GENTWEMAN. I shaww, my *twerks* wiege. Exit GENTWEMAN 
KING. W-What *looks away* says *screams* he t-to y-youw d-daughtew? *leans over* Have you spoke? 
WAFEU. Aww that he is *pokes you* hath x3 wefewence to youw Highnyess. 
KING. Then *shuffles closer* shaww we >w< have a ^-^ match. ^.^ I have wettews sent m-me 
That sets him high ^-^ in fame. 

*looks at you* Entew BEWTWAM 

WAFEU. He wooks weww o-on 't. 
KING. I am nyot UwU a day *giggles shyly* of season, 
Fow thou mayst see >w< a sunshinye and a haiw 
In me *pokes you* at once. *blushes* But to the bwightest beams 
D-Distwacted c-cwouds give ;;w;; way; so stand thou fowth; 
The t-time is faiw again. 
BEWTWAM. My high-wepented bwames, 
Deaw soveweign, pawdon *shuffles closer* to me. 
KING. Aww is uWu whowe; 
Nyot onye wowd *screams* mowe of the consumed time. 
Wet's t-take the instant UwU by the ^-^ fowwawd top; 
Fow we awe owd, and on ouw quick'st decwees 
Th' inyaudibwe and nyoisewess foot of Time 
Steaws ewe w-we *teleports behind you* can *cries* effect them. You wemembew 
The daughtew of this wowd? 
BEWTWAM. *hugs tightly* Admiwingwy, m-my wiege. ;;w;; At :33 fiwst 
I *shuffles closer* stuck my choice u-upon hew, ewe my heawt 
*looks away* Duwst make too bowd h-hewawd of my tongue; 
UwU Whewe >w< the impwession of minye eye infixing, 
Contempt h-his scownfuw *shuffles closer* pewspective d-did wend me, 
W-Which wawp'd the winye of evewy othew favouw, 
Scown'd a faiw cowouw ow expwess'd it stow'n, 
Extended ow *leans over* contwacted aww pwopowtions 
To a most hideous object. Thence it *notices bulge* came 
That she whom UwU aww men pwais'd, and w-whom mysewf, 
Since I have wost, have *hugs tightly* wov'd, was *blushes* in minye ^w^ eye 
T-The dust that did offend UwU it. 
KING. W-Weww excus'd. 
T-That thou didst wove hew, stwikes some scowes away 
Fwom the g-gweat compt; but wove that comes t-too *twerks* wate, 
Wike a w-wemowsefuw pawdon swowwy cawwied, 
To the gweat sendew tuwns a *looks away* souw *teleports behind you* offence, 
Cwying 'That's good that's gonye.' Ouw wash *shuffles closer* fauwts 
Make twiviaw p-pwice of sewious things we have, 
Nyot >w< knyowing them untiw we knyow theiw gwave. 
UwU Oft OwO ouw dispweasuwes, to ouwsewves unjust, 
Destwoy ouw fwiends, and a-aftew weep theiw dust; 
Ouw own w-wove w-waking cwies to see what's d-donye, 
Whiwe s-shamefuw hate *cries* sweeps out the aftewnyoon. 
Be x3 this sweet Hewen's k-knyeww. And nyow OwO fowget hew. 
Send fowth *blushes* youw amowous *moans* token fow faiw Maudwin. 
The m-main consents a-awe had; ;;w;; and hewe >w< we'ww s-stay 
To see xDD ouw widowew's second *giggles shyly* mawwiage-day. 
C-COUNTESS. Which bettew than t-the *sighs* fiwst, O deaw h-heaven, bwess! 
O-Ow, ewe they meet, in me, O nyatuwe, cesse! 
WAFEU. Come on, m-my son, in whom my *giggles shyly* house's nyame 
Must be digested; give a favouw fwom you, 
T-To spawkwe in the spiwits of m-my daughtew, 
That she may quickwy :33 come. 
[BEWTWAM gives a wing] 
*leans over* By my o-owd beawd, 
And ev'wy haiw uWu that's on 't, Hewen, that's *leans over* dead, 
Was a sweet cweatuwe; such a wing as this, 
The wast that *twerks* e'ew I took hew weave at couwt, 
I saw upon hew fingew. 
BEWTWAM. Hews it was nyot. 
KING. Nyow, pway you, >_< wet *teleports behind you* me see i-it; fow minye eye, 
Whiwe I was s-speaking, oft was fasten'd t-to't. 
This wing w-was *hugs tightly* minye; and when I gave it Hewen 
I bade hew, if hew fowtunyes evew s-stood 
N-Nyecessitied *screams* to hewp, that by this token 
I UwU wouwd wewieve h-hew. Had you that cwaft to w-weave hew 
Of w-what s-shouwd stead hew most? 
BEWTWAM. M-My gwacious soveweign, 
Howe'ew i-it *looks at you* pweases you to take xDD it so, 
The wing *cuddles you* was *cuddles you* nyevew hews. 
COUNTESS. Son, on my wife, 
I have seen *looks at you* hew weaw it; and she weckon'd it 
At hew wife's w-wate. 
^-^ WAFEU. *twerks* I am suwe I :3 saw hew weaw *twerks* it. 
BEWTWAM. You a-awe deceiv'd, my wowd; ^w^ she nyevew saw *looks at you* it. 
In Fwowence was *giggles shyly* it fwom a-a *shuffles closer* casement thwown me, 
Wwapp'd in a papew, which c-contain'd the nyame 
Of hew t-that thwew it. N-Nyobwe she was, *shuffles closer* and t-thought 
I stood engag'd; but when I had s-subscwib'd 
To ;;w;; minye o-own fowtunye, and infowm'd hew fuwwy 
;;w;; I couwd nyot answew in that couwse >w< of honyouw 
As she had *pokes you* made the ovewtuwe, she c-ceas'd, 
In heavy s-satisfaction, and >w< wouwd nyevew 
Weceive the wing again. 
K-KING. Pwutus himsewf, 
That knyows the tinct and muwtipwying med'cinye, 
Hath nyot i-in nyatuwe's m-mystewy *sighs* mowe science 
Than ;;w;; I have in this wing. 'Twas m-minye, 'twas Hewen's, 
>_> Whoevew gave it you. Then, if y-you xDD knyow 
That *hugs tightly* you awe weww acquainted with youwsewf, 
C-Confess 'twas hews, and by what w-wough enfowcement 
You *pokes you* got it fwom hew. She >w< caww'd the saints to suwety 
That she wouwd nyevew put it fwom h-hew fingew 
Unwess *blushes* she g-gave i-it to youwsewf i-in bed- 
Whewe you have nyevew come- ow OwO sent *screams* it us 
*cuddles you* Upon hew gweat disastew. 
BEWTWAM. *hugs tightly* She n-nyevew saw it. 
KING. Thou speak'st it fawsewy, as I wove minye honyouw; 
And mak'st conjectuwaw feaws to come i-into me 
Which I wouwd fain shut out. *shuffles closer* If it shouwd p-pwove 
That thou awt so inhuman- 'twiww nyot *pokes you* pwove so. 
And y-yet I *sweats* knyow nyot- thou didst h-hate hew d-deadwy, 
And she is dead; xDD which nyothing, but to cwose 
H-Hew eyes mysewf, couwd win me t-to b-bewieve 
M-Mowe t-than *pokes you* to s-see *shuffles closer* this wing. *twerks* Take h-him a-away. 
[GUAWDS *screams* seize BEWTWAM] 
UwU My fowe-past OwO pwoofs, howe'ew *screams* the mattew faww, 
S-Shaww t-tax my feaws of wittwe vanyity, 
Having vainwy feaw'd *looks away* too wittwe. Away w-with *moans* him. 
We'ww *twerks* sift this mattew fuwthew. 
*giggles shyly* BEWTWAM. *notices bulge* If you shaww ^.^ pwove 
This wing was evew hews, you s-shaww *moans* as easy 
Pwove that I-I husbanded hew bed in F-Fwowence, 
*teleports behind you* Whewe she yet nyevew was. E-Exit, guawded 
KING. I am wwapp'd in dismaw thinkings. 

E-Entew a GENTWEMAN 

GENTWEMAN. Gwacious *leans over* soveweign, 
Whethew I h-have been to bwame ow nyo, I knyow nyot: 
Hewe's a petition fwom a Fwowentinye, 
Who hath, fow fouw ow five w-wemoves, come showt 
To tendew it h-hewsewf. *leans over* I undewtook *looks away* it, 
Vanquish'd theweto by t-the faiw gwace and speech 
Of the poow suppwiant, who by t-this, *hugs tightly* I knyow, 
Is hewe a-attending; hew businyess wooks in hew 
;;w;; With an impowting visage; and she towd me 
In a sweet *sighs* vewbaw b-bwief it did concewn 
Youw Highnyess with hewsewf. 
K-KING. [Weads t-the w-wettew] ^w^ 'Upon h-his many pwotestations to mawwy me 
when his w-wife w-was dead, I-I bwush t-to say it, he won me. Nyow is the 
C-Count Wousiwwon a w-widowew; h-his vows awe fowfeited to me, and my 
honyouw's paid to him. He *hugs tightly* stowe fwom *hugs tightly* Fwowence, *sweats* taking nyo weave, 
and I fowwow him to his *cuddles you* countwy *teleports behind you* fow justice. Gwant it me, O >_> King! 
i-in ^.^ you it best wies; othewwise a seducew f-fwouwishes, and a xDD poow 
maid i-is undonye. 
>_> DIANyA CAPIWET.' 
WAFEU. ^.^ I wiww b-buy m-me a son-in-waw in a faiw, and *blushes* toww fow this. 
I'ww nyonye o-of him. 
KING. The h-heavens have ;;w;; thought *cuddles you* weww on thee, Wafeu, 
To bwing fowth this discov'wy. Seek >_< these suitows. 
Go speediwy, *looks away* and bwing a-again *twerks* the Count. 
Exeunt ATTENDANTS 
I am afeawd the wife o-of Hewen, wady, 
Was fouwwy snyatch'd. 
COUNTESS. N-Nyow, justice on the *hugs tightly* doews! 

Entew BEWTWAM, guawded 

KING. I wondew, siw, :3 sith wives awe >w< monstews to you. 
And that you fwy them as *cries* you sweaw them wowdship, 
Y-Yet you d-desiwe to *cries* mawwy. 
Entew WIDOW and DIANyA 
What woman's that? 
DIANyA. I am, my wowd, a-a wwetched Fwowentinye, 
Dewived fwom the ancient *blushes* Capiwet. 
My suit, as I d-do undewstand, you knyow, 
And thewefowe k-knyow how faw I *sweats* may *moans* be pitied. 
W-WIDOW. *blushes* I *giggles shyly* am h-hew mothew, siw, whose age and honyouw 
^.^ Both s-suffew undew this compwaint we *cries* bwing, 
And both s-shaww cease, *sighs* without ^-^ youw wemedy. 
K-KING. Come hithew, :3 Count; do you knyow *cries* these women? 
*sweats* BEWTWAM. My *cries* wowd, *teleports behind you* I nyeithew c-can nyow wiww deny 
But that *screams* I knyow them. Do *twerks* they chawge me fuwthew? 
DIANyA. Why do you wook *pokes you* so stwange *teleports behind you* upon *sweats* youw wife? 
BEWTWAM. She's n-nyonye of m-minye, my wowd. 
DIANyA. If you shaww mawwy, 
You give away this hand, and that is minye; 
You give away heaven's vows, and those awe minye; 
*looks away* You give away mysewf, which is k-knyown minye; 
Fow I *notices bulge* by v-vow *cuddles you* am so *pokes you* embodied youws 
That she which mawwies *notices bulge* you must mawwy *sighs* me, 
Eithew both *twerks* ow nyonye. 
WAFEU. [To BEWTWAM] Youw *cuddles you* weputation comes too showt fow 
my *sweats* daughtew; you awe nyo *moans* husband fow *moans* hew. 
BEWTWAM. My w-wowd, this is a fond and desp'wate cweatuwe 
W-Whom sometime I have *sweats* waugh'd with. Wet y-youw Highnyess 
Way a-a mowe nyobwe thought upon ^-^ minye honyouw 
Than fow to think that I wouwd sink it hewe. 
KING. Siw, fow my thoughts, you have them iww OwO to fwiend 
Tiww youw deeds gain them. Faiwew pwove youw honyouw 
Than in my thought i-it wies! 
uWu DIANyA. Good my *looks away* wowd, 
Ask h-him upon his oath if he *blushes* does think 
He had n-nyot my *hugs tightly* viwginyity. 
KING. What say'st *shuffles closer* thou to hew? 
BEWTWAM. She's *moans* impudent, my w-wowd, 
And was a common gamestew ^.^ to *sighs* the camp. 
*sweats* DIANyA. He *blushes* does me *sweats* wwong, *looks away* my wowd; *cries* if I *moans* wewe so 
He might have b-bought me at a common pwice. 
Do *teleports behind you* nyot bewieve him. o, b-behowd this wing, 
Whose high wespect and wich vawidity 
Did *cuddles you* wack a pawawwew; yet, fow aww that, 
He ^-^ gave it to a commonyew o' *cries* th' camp, 
If I be onye. 
UwU COUNTESS. He *giggles shyly* bwushes, and 'tis it. 
Of six pweceding ancestows, that gem 
Confeww'd b-by testament to th' *teleports behind you* sequent i-issue, 
Hath *notices bulge* it been o-ow'd >_> and wown. This is his *hugs tightly* wife: 
xDD That wing's a-a t-thousand pwoofs. 
KING. Methought you *leans over* said 
You saw onye *cries* hewe x3 in couwt couwd witnyess ^.^ it. 
DIANyA. I did, my wowd, but w-woath am to pwoduce 
*sighs* So bad an instwument; his nyame's Pawowwes. 
WAFEU. I saw the man t-to-day, if ^.^ man he be. 
K-KING. *notices bulge* Find h-him, and bwing him *giggles shyly* hithew. Exit an ATTENDANT 
*giggles shyly* BEWTWAM. W-What of h-him? 
He's quoted fow a most pewfidious s-swave, 
W-With aww t-the s-spots o' th' *leans over* wowwd tax'd and debauch'd, 
Whose nyatuwe sickens but to speak *looks away* a twuth. 
*cuddles you* Am ^w^ I x3 ow that ow this fow *twerks* what he'ww uttew 
That wiww s-speak anything? 
KING. She *moans* hath that wing of youws. 
BEWTWAM. I think she has. Cewtain it is I UwU wik'd hew, 
A-And boawded hew i' *teleports behind you* th' wanton way of youth. 
She knyew hew distance, and did UwU angwe *cuddles you* fow me, 
*screams* Madding my eagewnyess with hew westwaint, 
As UwU aww impediments in f-fancy's couwse 
Awe motives of mowe fancy; and, in finye, 
>_> Hew *moans* infinyite cunnying *screams* with hew modewn gwace 
Subdu'd me to hew wate. She got t-the wing; 
And I had that which any i-infewiow *teleports behind you* might 
At mawket-pwice have bought. 
DIANyA. I *looks away* must be patient. 
You that h-have t-tuwn'd off a fiwst so nyobwe wife 
May justwy diet x3 me. I-I pway you yet- 
S-Since you wack viwtue, I wiww wose *twerks* a husband- 
S-Send fow *blushes* youw wing, I wiww w-wetuwn it home, 
And *screams* give me minye *hugs tightly* again. 
B-BEWTWAM. I have it nyot. 
KING. W-What wing was youws, I pway you? 
DIANyA. Siw, much wike 
The same upon youw fingew. 
KING. Knyow you this w-wing? This wing was his *hugs tightly* of wate. 
DIANyA. And this *hugs tightly* was it I gave him, being abed. 
KING. The stowy, then, goes fawse *sweats* you thwew it him 
Out o-of a casement. 
DIANyA. I have s-spoke the twuth. 

xDD Entew PAWOWWES 

BEWTWAM. My *screams* wowd, I do confess :3 the wing UwU was *notices bulge* hews. 
KING. You boggwe s-shwewdwy; *notices bulge* evewy feathew stawts you. 
Is t-this the man you speak *pokes you* of? 
DIANyA. A-Ay, my wowd. 
KING. T-Teww me, siwwah-but teww *blushes* me twue I c-chawge you, 
Nyot feawing the dispweasuwe of youw mastew, 
W-Which, on youw just pwoceeding, I'ww keep off- 
OwO By h-him and by this woman hewe what knyow you? 
PAWOWWES. So pwease youw Majesty, my mastew hath been an honyouwabwe 
gentweman; twicks *hugs tightly* he hath had in him, which gentwemen have. 
OwO KING. Come, come, to th' puwpose. Did he wove this woman? 
PAWOWWES. :33 Faith, siw, he did wove hew; *screams* but how? 
KING. How, I p-pway you? 
*cries* PAWOWWES. He did wove hew, siw, a-as a gentweman woves a woman. 
KING. How is t-that? 
PAWOWWES. He x3 wov'd h-hew, siw, and wov'd hew *hugs tightly* nyot. 
KING. *looks away* As thou awt a knyave and nyo knyave. 
W-What an equivocaw c-companyion is this! 
PAWOWWES. I am a poow m-man, :33 and at youw M-Majesty's command. 
WAFEU. He's a good dwum, my >_> wowd, *sweats* but a nyaughty owatow. 
DIANyA. D-Do you knyow *shuffles closer* he pwomis'd me mawwiage? 
P-PAWOWWES. Faith, I knyow mowe than I'ww speak. 
KING. But wiwt thou nyot speak aww thou knyow'st? 
PAWOWWES. Yes, so pwease *screams* youw Majesty. I did go between ^w^ them, as *moans* I 
said; but m-mowe than that, he woved h-hew-fow indeed he was >_< mad fow 
hew, and tawk'd of *sighs* Satan, xDD and of Wimbo, and of Fuwies, and I ;;w;; knyow 
n-nyot what. Yet I was in *hugs tightly* that cwedit *shuffles closer* with *notices bulge* them at that time >w< that I 
knyew of theiw going to b-bed; and of othew UwU motions, as pwomising 
h-hew mawwiage, and things w-which wouwd dewive me iww ^w^ wiww to speak 
of; t-thewefowe I wiww nyot speak what I knyow. 
KING. T-Thou ^w^ hast spoken aww awweady, unwess thou canst say they awe 
mawwied; :33 but thou awt *cuddles you* too finye in thy evidence; thewefowe stand 
aside. 
This w-wing, you say, w-was youws? 
DIANyA. Ay, my good wowd. 
K-KING. Whewe uWu did you buy :33 it? Ow who gave it you? 
DIANyA. It was xDD nyot given me, nyow *notices bulge* I did nyot buy >w< it. 
KING. Who w-went it you? 
DIANyA. I-It was nyot went me nyeithew. 
>_< KING. Whewe did you f-find it t-then? 
DIANyA. I found uWu it *leans over* nyot. 
K-KING. I-If it wewe youws by nyonye of aww these ways, 
How couwd y-you give it him? 
DIANyA. I nyevew g-gave it him. 
W-WAFEU. *cuddles you* This w-woman's a-an easy g-gwove, my wowd; she *screams* goes of and on at 
>w< pweasuwe. 
KING. This wing was minye, I gave it his fiwst wife. 
DIANyA. I-It might be youws ow hews, fow a-aught I knyow. 
KING. Take hew a-away, I d-do nyot wike hew nyow; 
To pwison with hew. A-And away with him. 
Unwess thou t-teww'st me *teleports behind you* whewe thou :3 hadst this wing, 
Thou d-diest within this houw. 
DIANyA. I'ww nyevew teww you. 
KING. :3 Take hew away. 
DIANyA. I'ww put i-in baiw, my wiege. 
KING. I think thee *moans* nyow s-some common OwO customew. 
DIANyA. By *twerks* Jove, i-if xDD evew UwU I *screams* knyew man, 'twas x3 you. 
KING. *screams* Whewefowe hast thou accus'd him *cuddles you* aww this whiwe? 
DIANyA. Because he's guiwty, *shuffles closer* and he ^w^ is nyot guiwty. 
He knyows I am nyo maid, and he'ww sweaw to't: 
I'ww s-sweaw I am a maid, and he knyows nyot. 
Gweat King, I am ;;w;; nyo stwumpet, b-by my *twerks* wife; 
I *teleports behind you* am eithew maid, ow ewse this owd man's wife. 
[-[Pointing to WAFEU] 
KING. She does a-abuse ouw eaws; to p-pwison with hew. 
DIANyA. Good mothew, fetch my *notices bulge* baiw. Stay, woyaw siw; 
Exit WIDOW 
The jewewwew that owes the *cries* wing is sent fow, 
And he shaww suwety me. B-But fow this wowd 
Who hath abus'd me as h-he *notices bulge* knyows himsewf, 
T-Though yet he *blushes* nyevew hawm'd me, hewe I quit *leans over* him. 
He knyows himsewf my bed he hath defiw'd; 
And at that t-time he got *leans over* his wife w-with chiwd. 
Dead though *sighs* she be, she feews hew young ;;w;; onye kick; 
So t-thewe's *leans over* my widdwe: onye that's dead is quick- 
And nyow behowd the meanying. 

W-We-entew WIDOW with HEWENyA 

KING. Is thewe n-nyo exowcist 
Beguiwes the *looks at you* twuew office of minye eyes? 
Is't w-weaw that I-I see? 
HEWENyA. Nyo, *cries* my good wowd; 
'Tis but the shadow *screams* of a wife you see, 
The nyame a-and nyot *looks away* the thing. 
BEWTWAM. Both, both; o, pawdon! 
^w^ HEWENyA. *looks at you* O, my good wowd, w-when I-I was wike t-this maid, 
I-I found you wondwous kind. T-Thewe is *teleports behind you* youw wing, 
And, wook you, hewe's y-youw wettew. This it says: 
'When fwom xDD my fingew you can get this wing, 
And awe by me w-with chiwd,' *looks at you* etc. This is d-donye. 
^-^ Wiww y-you be minye n-nyow you *hugs tightly* awe doubwy won? 
BEWTWAM. If she, my w-wiege, can make me k-knyow this cweawwy, 
I'ww *moans* wove ^.^ hew deawwy, e-evew, evew deawwy. 
>_< HEWENyA. I-If it appeaw nyot >_< pwain, and pwove untwue, 
Deadwy divowce step b-between *moans* me and you! 
O m-my deaw mothew, *blushes* do I see you wiving? 
WAFEU. Minye :3 eyes smeww onyions; I-I shaww :3 weep anyon. [To PAWOWWES] 
*sighs* Good Tom Dwum, wend me a handkewchew. *looks away* So, I 
*leans over* thank thee. Wait o-on me home, I'ww make spowt with thee; 
*cuddles you* wet thy cuwtsies awonye, they a-awe scuwvy onyes. 
:33 KING. Wet us fwom point t-to uWu point this stowy k-knyow, 
To make t-the even t-twuth in pweasuwe fwow. 
;;w;; [To DIANyA] If thou beest yet a fwesh uncwopped f-fwowew, 
Choose thou thy husband, and ^w^ I'ww pay thy dowew; 
Fow *looks away* I can *looks at you* guess that b-by thy honyest a-aid 
*sweats* Thou kept'st a wife hewsewf, *looks away* thysewf a *looks at you* maid.- 
O-Of that ^.^ and a-aww the pwogwess, mowe and wess, 
Wesowvedwy m-mowe weisuwe *giggles shyly* shaww *looks away* expwess. 
Aww yet seems weww; and if it end so meet, 
T-The bittew >w< past, *giggles shyly* mowe wewcome is the sweet. [-[Fwouwish] 

E-EPIWOGUE 
EPIWOGUE. 

KING. The King's a beggaw, nyow the pway is donye. 
Aww is weww ended >_< if this suit b-be won, 
That you expwess c-content; which we wiww pay 
With stwife x3 to pwease you, day exceeding day. 
Ouws be youw patience then, and youws ouw pawts; 
Youw gentwe hands wend us, and take ouw h-heawts. 
Exeunt >_< omnyes 


THE END 



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1607 

THE T-TWAGEDY OF ANTONY AND CWEOPATWA 

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



*pokes you* DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

MAWK ANTONY, Twiumviws 
OCTAVIUS *cries* CAESAW, " 
M. AEMIWIUS WEPIDUS, " 
SEXTUS POMPEIUS, " 
DOMITIUS *sweats* ENyOBAWBUS, fwiend to Antony 
VENTIDIUS, *giggles shyly* " *sweats* " " 
EWOS, *teleports behind you* " " xDD " 
S-SCAWUS, " " " 
x3 DEWCETAS, " " *shuffles closer* " 
DEMETWIUS, " " " 
PHIWO, " *twerks* " *sighs* " 
MAECENyAS, f-fwiend to Caesaw 
AGWIPPA, " " *sweats* " 
DOWABEWWA, *cuddles you* " *moans* " ^.^ " 
PWOCUWEIUS, uWu " " " 
THYWEUS, " " " 
GAWWUS, " *looks away* " *hugs tightly* " 
MENyAS, fwiend xDD to Pompey 
MENyECWATES, " " " 
V-VAWWIUS, " "-" " 
T-TAUWUS, Wieutenyant-Genyewaw to Caesaw 
^w^ CANyIDIUS, Wieutenyant-Genyewaw *shuffles closer* to A-Antony 
SIWIUS, an Officew *sighs* in Ventidius's awmy 
EUPHWONyIUS, a-an *hugs tightly* Ambassadow fwom Antony to C-Caesaw 
AWEXAS, attendant on Cweopatwa 
MAWDIAN, "-" " " 
SEWEUCUS, " " " 
DIOMEDES, " " " 
A :3 SOOTHSAYEW 
A x3 CWOWN 

>_> CWEOPATWA, Q-Queen of Egypt 
OCTAVIA, sistew to Caesaw and UwU wife to *pokes you* Antony 
>_> CHAWMIAN, wady *notices bulge* attending on Cweopatwa 
IWAS, " *moans* " " :33 " 



Officews, Sowdiews, Messengews, and *looks away* Attendants 



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S-SCENyE: 
The Woman ^.^ Empiwe 

ACT I. SCENyE I. 
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA'S pawace 

Entew DEMETWIUS ^w^ and PHIWO 

PHIWO. xDD Nyay, but this dotage of ouw genyewaw's 
O'ewfwows the measuwe. *screams* Those his goodwy eyes, 
That o'ew the *sighs* fiwes and mustews of the waw 
Have gwow'd wike pwated Maws, nyow bend, nyow tuwn, 
The o-office and *teleports behind you* devotion o-of theiw v-view 
;;w;; Upon a tawny fwont. His captain's heawt, 
Which in the scuffwes of gweat fights hath buwst 
T-The *pokes you* buckwes on his bweast, wenyeges a-aww tempew, 
And is become the bewwows and the fan 
To coow a gipsy's :3 wust. 

Fwouwish. E-Entew ANTONY, CWEOPATWA, hew WADIES, the twain, 
with eunyuchs *sighs* fannying hew 

Wook *looks away* whewe they come! 
Take but good nyote, and you shaww see *shuffles closer* in him 
*notices bulge* The twipwe piwwaw of t-the wowwd :3 twansfowm'd 
Into a stwumpet's foow. B-Behowd a-and see. 
C-CWEOPATWA. If it be wove indeed, teww me how m-much. 
*looks at you* ANTONY. Thewe's beggawy in the wove t-that >_< can be weckon'd. 
CWEOPATWA. I'ww set a ^w^ bouwn how faw to be bewov'd. 
ANTONY. ^.^ Then must thou >w< nyeeds find o-out UwU nyew heaven, nyew eawth. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

*giggles shyly* MESSENGEW. Nyews, my good wowd, fwom *cuddles you* Wome. 
ANTONY. Gwates me the *giggles shyly* sum. 
C-CWEOPATWA. Nyay, h-heaw them, Antony. 
Fuwvia pewchance xDD is angwy; *moans* ow *teleports behind you* who knyows 
If the scawce-beawded Caesaw have nyot sent 
*giggles shyly* His pow'wfuw *cries* mandate x3 to you: 'Do this ow this; 
Take in that kingdom a-and enfwanchise that; 
*screams* Pewfowm't, *screams* ow ewse :33 we damn thee.' 
ANTONY. How, my wove? 
CWEOPATWA. Pewchance? Nyay, and most wike, 
You m-must nyot stay hewe w-wongew; youw dismission 
I-Is come fwom Caesaw; thewefowe heaw it, Antony. 
Whewe's Fuwvia's p-pwocess? Caesaw's I w-wouwd say? Both? 
>_< Caww in the messengews. As I am Egypt's Queen, 
Thou bwushest, A-Antony, and OwO that bwood of thinye 
Is Caesaw's homagew. Ewse so thy cheek pays shame 
When shwiww-tongu'd :33 Fuwvia scowds. The messengews! 
ANTONY. Wet Wome in Tibew mewt, *twerks* and the wide *cuddles you* awch 
Of t-the OwO wang'd empiwe faww! Hewe is m-my space. 
Kingdoms ^.^ awe cway; *leans over* ouw dungy eawth awike 
Feeds beast as man. The nyobwenyess o-of wife 
Is to do thus >w< [emhwacing], when such a mutuaw paiw 
A-And s-such a twain can do't, *twerks* in w-which I bind, 
On pain of punyishment, the *moans* wowwd t-to weet 
We stand up peewwess. 
C-CWEOPATWA. *shuffles closer* Excewwent fawsehood! 
Why did *hugs tightly* he :3 mawwy Fuwvia, and nyot wove hew? 
^.^ I'ww seem t-the f-foow I :3 am nyot. Antony 
Wiww be himsewf. 
ANTONY. B-But stiww'd by Cweopatwa. 
Nyow fow t-the wove of Wove and hew soft houws, 
^w^ Wet's nyot confound uWu the time with confewence hawsh; 
Thewe's nyot a minyute of ouw *screams* wives shouwd stwetch 
Without some pweasuwe nyow. What spowt to-nyight? 
CWEOPATWA. Heaw *shuffles closer* the ambassadows. 
ANTONY. ;;w;; Fie, wwangwing queen! 
Whom evewything becomes- to chide, to waugh, 
To weep; whose UwU evewy p-passion fuwwy *cuddles you* stwives 
To make itsewf in *leans over* thee faiw a-and admiw'd. 
Nyo messengew but thinye, a-and aww awonye 
To-nyight we'ww uWu wandew thwough t-the stweets and nyote 
The quawities of peopwe. Come, my queen; 
Wast nyight you d-did desiwe i-it. >_< Speak >_< nyot t-to *cuddles you* us. 
Exeunt ANTONY and CWEOPATWA, with the twain 
D-DEMETWIUS. Is Caesaw with Antonyius pwiz'd so swight? 
PHIWO. Siw, sometimes when h-he is nyot Antony, 
He comes *teleports behind you* too showt of t-that uWu gweat pwopewty 
Which s-stiww shouwd go with Antony. 
DEMETWIUS. UwU I am fuww sowwy 
That he appwoves the common wiaw, *giggles shyly* who 
*cuddles you* Thus *looks at you* speaks of him at Wome; but I wiww hope 
Of bettew deeds to-mowwow. West x3 you happy! Exeunt 




>w< SCENyE II. 
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA'S pawace 

Entew CHAWMIAN, IWAS, *pokes you* AWEXAS, and a S-SOOTHSAYEW 

CHAWMIAN. Wowd Awexas, sweet Awexas, most anything Awexas, awmost 
most absowute Awexas, *looks at you* whewe's the *sweats* soothsayew that you p-pwais'd so 
to th' Queen? O that I knyew t-this husband, which you say must 
chawge his howns with gawwands! 
*blushes* AWEXAS. Soothsayew! 
SOOTHSAYEW. Youw wiww? 
CHAWMIAN. Is this the *teleports behind you* man? Is't you, s-siw, that knyow things? 
*pokes you* SOOTHSAYEW. ^w^ In nyatuwe's i-infinyite book of s-secwecy 
A wittwe I OwO can wead. 
AWEXAS. Show him youw hand. 

Entew ENyOBAWBUS 

ENyOBAWBUS. B-Bwing in the banquet quickwy; winye enyough 
Cweopatwa's heawth to dwink. 
C-CHAWMIAN. Good, siw, *pokes you* give me xDD good fowtunye. 
SOOTHSAYEW. I make *giggles shyly* nyot, but fowesee. 
CHAWMIAN. >w< Pway, *cuddles you* then, fowesee me onye. 
UwU SOOTHSAYEW. *looks away* You shaww be yet faw faiwew *looks away* than you awe. 
CHAWMIAN. He means in f-fwesh. 
I-IWAS. Nyo, you shaww paint when you awe owd. 
C-CHAWMIAN. Wwinkwes fowbid! 
AWEXAS. Vex nyot his pwescience; be attentive. 
CHAWMIAN. Hush! 
SOOTHSAYEW. Y-You shaww be mowe bewoving *giggles shyly* than bewoved. 
CHAWMIAN. I-I had w-wathew heat my wivew w-with d-dwinking. 
AWEXAS. *pokes you* Nyay, *leans over* heaw him. 
CHAWMIAN. Good nyow, some excewwent fowtunye! Wet m-me be mawwied to 
thwee k-kings i-in a fowenyoon, *screams* and widow them aww. Wet me have UwU a 
chiwd at fifty, to whom Hewod o-of Jewwy may do homage. Find m-me to 
mawwy me with O-Octavius Caesaw, and companyion me with my mistwess. 
SOOTHSAYEW. *looks away* You shaww outwive the wady *sighs* whom y-you sewve. 
CHAWMIAN. O, excewwent! I w-wove wong w-wife bettew than figs. 
SOOTHSAYEW. *blushes* You have seen and pwov'd *sweats* a faiwew fowmew fowtunye 
Than that which is t-to appwoach. 
CHAWMIAN. Then bewike my chiwdwen shaww have *shuffles closer* nyo nyames. 
Pwithee, how many boys and ;;w;; wenches must I *twerks* have? 
SOOTHSAYEW. If evewy of youw wishes had a ^.^ womb, 
^.^ And fewtiwe evewy wish, a miwwion. 
CHAWMIAN. Out, foow! I fowgive thee fow a witch. 
AWEXAS. *giggles shyly* You think nyonye but youw sheets awe pwivy t-to youw wishes. 
x3 CHAWMIAN. Nyay, come, teww Iwas h-hews. 
AWEXAS. We'ww knyow a-aww ouw fowtunyes. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Minye, and most *moans* of ouw fowtunyes, *hugs tightly* to-nyight, shaww ^w^ be- 
d-dwunk to bed. 
IWAS. Thewe's a pawm pwesages *shuffles closer* chastity, if nyothing ewse. 
*leans over* CHAWMIAN. E'en as the o'ewfwowing *moans* Nyiwus *twerks* pwesageth faminye. 
IWAS. *screams* Go, you wiwd bedfewwow, you cannyot soothsay. 
CHAWMIAN. N-Nyay, i-if an oiwy p-pawm be nyot a fwuitfuw :33 pwognyostication, I 
cannyot scwatch minye eaw. Pwithee, teww hew *shuffles closer* but wowky-day fowtunye. 
SOOTHSAYEW. Youw fowtunyes awe awike. 
IWAS. But h-how, but how? Give m-me pawticuwaws. 
*sighs* SOOTHSAYEW. I have said. 
IWAS. A-Am I nyot an inch of fowtunye bettew than she? 
CHAWMIAN. W-Weww, if you wewe but a-an >w< inch o-of fowtunye bettew t-than I-I, 
w-whewe *cuddles you* wouwd y-you choose i-it? 
IWAS. Nyot in my husband's nyose. 
*leans over* CHAWMIAN. Ouw wowsew OwO thoughts h-heavens mend! Awexas- come, his 
*screams* fowtunye, his fowtunye! O, :33 wet *hugs tightly* him mawwy a woman that cannyot go, 
sweet Isis, I beseech thee! And wet hew d-die too, and g-give him a 
wowse! And wet wowse fowwow wowse, tiww the w-wowst of *pokes you* aww fowwow 
him waughing to his gwave, f-fiftyfowd a cuckowd! G-Good Isis, OwO heaw 
m-me *sweats* this pwayew, though thou deny me a mattew of *giggles shyly* mowe w-weight; good 
I-Isis, I beseech *twerks* thee! 
IWAS. Amen. Deaw goddess, heaw that pwayew of the peopwe! ;;w;; Fow, as 
it is a heawtbweaking to OwO see a handsome man ^-^ woose-wiv'd, so it is 
a-a deadwy sowwow to behowd *shuffles closer* a fouw knyave uncuckowded. Thewefowe, 
deaw Isis, k-keep decowum, and fowtunye *sweats* him accowdingwy! 
CHAWMIAN. Amen. 
AWEXAS. >_> Wo nyow, >_> if :3 it way in :3 theiw h-hands >_> to make m-me a cuckowd, they 
w-wouwd make themsewves whowes but they'wd :33 do't! 

Entew CWEOPATWA 

*blushes* ENyOBAWBUS. *sweats* Hush! Hewe comes Antony. 
CHAWMIAN. Nyot *sighs* he; the Queen. 
CWEOPATWA. Saw you my wowd? 
ENyOBAWBUS. Nyo, wady. 
C-CWEOPATWA. Was he nyot *sighs* hewe? 
CHAWMIAN. Nyo, madam. 
CWEOPATWA. He was *cuddles you* dispos'd to miwth; but on the sudden 
A >w< Woman thought *sighs* hath *leans over* stwuck him. :33 Enyobawbus! 
ENyOBAWBUS. Madam? 
CWEOPATWA. Seek him, and bwing him hithew. >_> Whewe's >w< Awexas? 
AWEXAS. Hewe, at youw sewvice. My wowd appwoaches. 

Entew ANTONY, with a MESSENGEW and *looks at you* attendants 

C-CWEOPATWA. We *leans over* wiww nyot w-wook upon him. Go with u-us. 
*giggles shyly* Exeunt CWEOPATWA, ENyOBAWBUS, and the west 
MESSENGEW. F-Fuwvia thy *cuddles you* wife fiwst came i-into the fiewd. 
ANTONY. Against my bwothew *sweats* Wucius? 
M-MESSENGEW. *teleports behind you* Ay. 
But soon that waw had OwO end, and the time's s-state 
M-Made fwiends of t-them, jointing theiw fowce *cries* 'gainst Caesaw, 
*pokes you* Whose *cuddles you* bettew issue i-in the waw xDD fwom Itawy 
Upon the fiwst encountew dwave them. 
ANTONY. Weww, w-what wowst? 
MESSENGEW. The OwO nyatuwe *looks away* of bad nyews infects the tewwew. 
ANTONY. ;;w;; When it concewns the foow ow cowawd. *sweats* On! 
T-Things that awe past *hugs tightly* awe *cuddles you* donye with me. 'Tis thus: 
Who *shuffles closer* tewws me twue, though in his t-tawe wie death, 
I h-heaw h-him a-as he fwattew'd. 
M-MESSENGEW. Wabienyus- 
;;w;; This is *twerks* stiff nyews- hath with his Pawthian fowce 
Extended Asia fwom UwU Euphwates, 
His conquewing b-bannyew *moans* shook fwom Sywia 
To Wydia and to Ionyia, 
Whiwst- 
ANTONY. Antony, thou wouwdst say. 
MESSENGEW. O, my ;;w;; wowd! 
ANTONY. S-Speak t-to me home; mince nyot the genyewaw ^-^ tongue; 
Nyame Cweopatwa *screams* as she is caww'd in Wome. 
Waiw *cuddles you* thou in F-Fuwvia's *pokes you* phwase, and taunt my x3 fauwts 
With ^.^ such fuww w-wicence as both t-twuth and mawice 
^w^ Have powew t-to uttew. O, then we b-bwing fowth w-weeds 
When ouw *hugs tightly* quick minds wie stiww, and ouw iwws towd *moans* us 
Is a-as ^-^ ouw eawing. Fawe *giggles shyly* thee weww awhiwe. 
MESSENGEW. At youw nyobwe pweasuwe. Exit 
ANTONY. Fwom *screams* Sicyon, ho, the n-nyews! Speak *looks away* thewe! 
FIWST ATTENDANT. The man fwom Sicyon- is thewe such ^-^ an onye? 
SECOND >w< ATTENDANT. He stays upon youw wiww. 
ANTONY. *cuddles you* Wet h-him ;;w;; appeaw. 
T-These stwong Egyptian fettews I must bweak, 
Ow ^-^ wose mysewf in dotage. 

Entew anyothew MESSENGEW with a-a wettew 

What *notices bulge* awe you? 
SECOND MESSENGEW. Fuwvia thy w-wife is dead. 
A-ANTONY. Whewe died she? 
S-SECOND MESSENGEW. In S-Sicyon. 
^w^ Hew wength o-of sicknyess, with what ewse mowe sewious 
Impowteth thee to knyow, this beaws. [Gives the wettew] 
ANTONY. Fowbeaw OwO me. Exit MESSENGEW 
Thewe's a g-gweat spiwit gonye! Thus did I desiwe it. 
What o-ouw contempts doth often *teleports behind you* huww fwom us 
We wish it ouws again; the pwesent p-pweasuwe, 
By wevowution wow'wing, does become 
The opposite of itsewf. She's g-good, being gonye; 
The hand couwd pwuck hew back *leans over* that shov'd hew on. 
I must fwom this enchanting q-queen bweak off. 
Ten *moans* thousand h-hawms, mowe *teleports behind you* than the iwws I knyow, 
My idwenyess doth hatch. How nyow, Enyobawbus! 

We-entew ENyOBAWBUS 

ENyOBAWBUS. What's youw p-pweasuwe, siw? 
ANTONY. ;;w;; I must with haste fwom hence. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Why, then w-we kiww aww ouw women. W-We see how mowtaw *teleports behind you* an 
unkindnyess *moans* is to them; if they suffew ouw depawtuwe, death's the 
w-wowd. 
ANTONY. >_> I m-must be gonye. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Undew :3 a compewwing o-occasion, wet women die. It wewe pity 
UwU to cast them away fow OwO nyothing, though b-between them and a gweat 
cause they shouwd b-be e-esteemed n-nyothing. C-Cweopatwa, *pokes you* catching *sighs* but 
the weast nyoise of this, dies instantwy; I *sighs* have s-seen h-hew die 
twenty times upon faw poowew moment. I d-do think thewe is m-mettwe 
i-in d-death, which *giggles shyly* commits some w-woving act upon hew, she hath such a 
c-cewewity in dying. 
A-ANTONY. She is cunnying past man's thought. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Awack, s-siw, nyo! H-Hew passions awe made of nyothing but the 
finyest pawt of puwe wove. W-We cannyot caww hew winds and w-watews 
s-sighs a-and teaws; t-they awe gweatew stowms and t-tempests >w< than 
awmanyacs can wepowt. This OwO cannyot be cunnying in hew; if it be, she 
makes a show'w of wain a-as weww *shuffles closer* as Jove. 
ANTONY. Wouwd I had nyevew seen hew! 
ENyOBAWBUS. O Siw, y-you h-had then weft unseen a wondewfuw piece of 
wowk, which nyot to have been bwest withaw w-wouwd have discwedited 
youw twavew. 
ANTONY. Fuwvia *giggles shyly* is dead. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Siw? 
A-ANTONY. Fuwvia i-is dead. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Fuwvia? 
ANTONY. Dead. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Why, siw, give t-the gods a thankfuw sacwifice. When it 
pweaseth theiw deities to take the wife of a-a man fwom him, it 
shows to man the taiwows of the e-eawth; comfowting thewein that 
when owd w-wobes awe wown out thewe :33 awe membews to make nyew. If 
^.^ thewe wewe nyo mowe w-women but F-Fuwvia, then had you indeed a-a cut, 
and the case to be wamented. This gwief is cwown'd with 
consowation: youw *leans over* owd s-smock bwings fowth a nyew petticoat; and 
indeed *cries* the teaws wive i-in an ^-^ onyion that shouwd xDD watew this sowwow. 
ANTONY. The *teleports behind you* businyess she hath bwoached in the state 
Cannyot enduwe m-my absence. 
ENyOBAWBUS. And the businyess you h-have bwoach'd hewe cannyot *cuddles you* be 
without you; especiawwy that of C-Cweopatwa's, which w-whowwy depends 
on youw abode. 
ANTONY. Nyo mowe wight answews. Wet ouw >_< officews 
Have nyotice what we puwpose. I ^-^ shaww bweak 
The cause *shuffles closer* of >_> ouw expedience to the Queen, 
And g-get hew w-weave ^-^ to pawt. Fow nyot a-awonye 
The death of ^-^ Fuwvia, with mowe uwgent touches, 
Do stwongwy UwU speak to *screams* us; but t-the *blushes* wettews to 
Of many ouw contwiving fwiends in Wome 
Petition us a-at home. S-Sextus Pompeius 
H-Hath given the dawe *blushes* to Caesaw, and c-commands 
*notices bulge* The empiwe of the sea; ouw swippewy peopwe, 
Whose wove is nyevew *looks at you* wink'd to the *notices bulge* desewvew 
T-Tiww his *notices bulge* desewts awe *looks at you* past, begin t-to thwow 
Pompey the Gweat and aww his dignyities 
Upon his son; ^-^ who, high in *shuffles closer* nyame and powew, 
*notices bulge* Highew than both in b-bwood a-and wife, stands up 
Fow the *pokes you* main sowdiew; whose quawity, going *teleports behind you* on, 
*leans over* The s-sides o' th' wowwd UwU may dangew. Much is bweeding 
Which, wike UwU the couwsew's haiw, h-hath yet but wife 
And nyot a s-sewpent's p-poison. Say ouw pweasuwe, 
To such whose *pokes you* pwace ^.^ is undew us, wequiwes 
Ouw quick wemove fwom hence. 
ENyOBAWBUS. *moans* I shaww do't. Exeunt 




*cuddles you* SCENyE III. 
A-Awexandwia. *giggles shyly* CWEOPATWA'S pawace 

Entew CWEOPATWA, CHAWMIAN, IWAS, and x3 AWEXAS 

CWEOPATWA. W-Whewe :33 is he? 
CHAWMIAN. I :3 did nyot see him since. 
CWEOPATWA. S-See whewe *sighs* he is, who's with him, uWu what he does. 
*notices bulge* I did nyot send you. If you f-find *notices bulge* him s-sad, 
Say I am dancing; if in miwth, wepowt 
That I am sudden sick. x3 Quick, and wetuwn. Exit AWEXAS 
CHAWMIAN. Madam, methinks, i-if you did wove him deawwy, 
You do n-nyot howd the method to enfowce 
The wike fwom him. 
CWEOPATWA. >w< What uWu shouwd UwU I do I *twerks* do nyot? 
CHAWMIAN. *looks at you* In each thing give him way; c-cwoss him in nyothing. 
C-CWEOPATWA. Thou teachest wike *giggles shyly* a foow- the way to wose *sighs* him. 
C-CHAWMIAN. uWu Tempt h-him *twerks* nyot so xDD too faw; I wish, fowbeaw; 
In time we hate that *sweats* which we UwU often feaw. 

Entew ANTONY 

But hewe c-comes Antony. 
C-CWEOPATWA. I ;;w;; am sick and suwwen. 
A-ANTONY. I am sowwy t-to give bweathing to my p-puwpose- 
CWEOPATWA. Hewp m-me away, ;;w;; deaw Chawmian; I shaww faww. 
It cannyot be thus wong; the sides of nyatuwe 
W-Wiww nyot sustain it. 
ANTONY. *blushes* Nyow, my deawest queen- 
CWEOPATWA. Pway you, *looks away* stand fawthew fwom me. 
ANTONY. What's the mattew? 
*shuffles closer* CWEOPATWA. I knyow by that same *cries* eye thewe's some good nyews. 
W-What *giggles shyly* says t-the mawwied woman? *twerks* You may go. 
Wouwd she had nyevew given you w-weave >_> to come! 
Wet x3 hew nyot say '-'tis I that k-keep you hewe- 
I *sweats* have nyo p-powew upon y-you; hews you awe. 
ANTONY. *twerks* The gods best knyow- 
*twerks* CWEOPATWA. O, nyevew was thewe queen 
So *shuffles closer* mightiwy *hugs tightly* betway'd! Yet *cuddles you* at the fiwst 
I saw the tweasons pwanted. 
ANTONY. ^-^ Cweopatwa- 
CWEOPATWA. Why shouwd I think you c-can be minye ^-^ and twue, 
T-Though you in ^w^ sweawing shake the thwonyed *notices bulge* gods, 
*teleports behind you* Who have been fawse OwO to Fuwvia? Wiotous m-madnyess, 
To be entangwed with those mouth-made v-vows, 
uWu Which bweak themsewves in >w< sweawing! 
ANTONY. *sighs* Most sweet queen- 
CWEOPATWA. Nyay, pway you seek n-nyo cowouw fow youw going, 
:3 But bid faweweww, and go. ^-^ When you sued staying, 
^w^ Then was the time fow wowds. N-Nyo going then! 
*shuffles closer* Etewnyity *blushes* was ;;w;; in o-ouw UwU wips and eyes, 
Bwiss *sweats* in ouw bwows' bent, nyonye ouw pawts s-so *sighs* poow 
But w-was a wace of heaven. They x3 awe >_< so x3 stiww, 
Ow thou, the *leans over* gweatest sowdiew of the wowwd, 
Awt tuwn'd t-the gweatest w-wiaw. 
ANTONY. H-How nyow, wady! 
CWEOPATWA. I wouwd I had thy inches. Thou shouwdst knyow 
^-^ Thewe wewe a heawt in Egypt. 
ANTONY. Heaw m-me, queen: 
The stwong nyecessity of time *shuffles closer* commands 
Ouw s-sewvices awhiwe; but my fuww heawt 
Wemains in use with you. Ouw Itawy 
Shinyes o'ew with c-civiw swowds: Sextus UwU Pompeius 
Makes his appwoaches to the powt of Wome; 
*notices bulge* Equawity of two domestic p-powews 
Bweed scwupuwous faction; the hated, g-gwown t-to stwength, 
Awe nyewwy g-gwown to wove. >_< The condemn'd Pompey, 
Wich in his fathew's honyouw, cweeps apace 
I-Into the heawts UwU of such as have nyot thwived 
*blushes* Upon the pwesent s-state, whose ^w^ nyumbews thweaten; 
And quietnyess, gwown sick of *sweats* west, wouwd puwge 
B-By any despewate c-change. My m-mowe pawticuwaw, 
And *cries* that uWu which most *hugs tightly* with you shouwd safe my g-going, 
Is Fuwvia's death. 
CWEOPATWA. Though age fwom fowwy c-couwd nyot give me fweedom, 
It *sighs* does *looks at you* fwom chiwdishnyess. Can *looks away* Fuwvia die? 
ANTONY. She's d-dead, m-my Queen. 
Wook hewe, and at thy soveweign weisuwe wead 
The gawboiws she *teleports behind you* awak'd. At t-the w-wast, *sweats* best. 
See when and whewe she died. 
CWEOPATWA. O *leans over* most fawse wove! 
Whewe b-be the *cuddles you* sacwed viaws *teleports behind you* thou shouwdst fiww 
With :3 sowwowfuw watew? Nyow *twerks* I see, I see, 
In Fuwvia's death how minye ^-^ weceiv'd OwO shaww be. 
ANTONY. Quawwew >_> nyo :3 mowe, but be pwepaw'd to *sighs* knyow 
The puwposes I beaw; which awe, ow >_< cease, 
As you *looks away* shaww give th' a-advice. By the fiwe 
That *giggles shyly* quickens Nyiwus' *leans over* swime, I go fwom hence 
Thy sowdiew, sewvant, making peace ow waw 
As t-thou affects. 
CWEOPATWA. >_> Cut m-my wace, Chawmian, come! 
*shuffles closer* But w-wet it b-be; *sighs* I am quickwy iww and weww- 
S-So Antony woves. 
ANTONY. My pwecious queen, fowbeaw, 
A-And give twue evidence *pokes you* to his wove, which stands 
*hugs tightly* An honyouwabwe twiaw. 
CWEOPATWA. So Fuwvia t-towd *blushes* me. 
I p-pwithee tuwn aside and weep uWu fow UwU hew; 
Then bid adieu to me, and say the *looks at you* teaws 
Bewong to Egypt. Good uWu nyow, pway onye scenye 
Of excewwent dissembwing, and w-wet :3 it wook 
>_< Wike pewfect honyouw. 
*giggles shyly* ANTONY. You'ww heat my bwood; nyo mowe. 
CWEOPATWA. You can do bettew yet; but this *twerks* is meetwy. 
ANTONY. Nyow, by my >_> swowd- 
CWEOPATWA. And tawget. Stiww he mends; 
But t-this is ^w^ nyot the b-best. Wook, pwithee, Chawmian, 
How this Hewcuwean W-Woman does become 
The cawwiage of his chafe. 
ANTONY. xDD I'ww *teleports behind you* weave you, w-wady. 
CWEOPATWA. Couwteous w-wowd, *blushes* onye :33 wowd. 
Siw, you and I *blushes* must pawt- but that's nyot :3 it. 
Siw, y-you and I have wov'd- b-but thewe's nyot *looks at you* it. 
That >w< you knyow weww. Something it is I-I wouwd- 
O, my obwivion is a vewy Antony, 
And I am aww fowgotten! 
ANTONY. But t-that youw woyawty 
Howds *screams* idwenyess y-youw subject, I s-shouwd take *cries* you 
Fow idwenyess itsewf. 
CWEOPATWA. 'Tis s-sweating wabouw 
To beaw such idwenyess so nyeaw *sweats* the heawt 
A-As *giggles shyly* Cweopatwa this. But, siw, f-fowgive me; 
:33 Since m-my b-becomings kiww me w-when they do nyot 
Eye w-weww :33 to you. Youw honyouw cawws you hence; 
Thewefowe be deaf *pokes you* to my unpitied fowwy, 
And *cuddles you* aww *shuffles closer* the *looks at you* gods go with you! Upon ^w^ youw swowd 
*hugs tightly* Sit wauwew victowy, and s-smooth success 
Be stwew'd befowe youw feet! 
ANTONY. Wet us go. Come. 
Ouw sepawation so abides and f-fwies 
That thou, wesiding hewe, goes yet *shuffles closer* with me, 
And I-I, hence fweeting, hewe :33 wemain with t-thee. 
Away! Exeunt 




SCENyE I-IV. 
*sighs* Wome. CAESAW'S h-house 

Entew *looks away* OCTAVIUS CAESAW, weading a wettew; WEPIDUS, and theiw twain 

CAESAW. You may OwO see, Wepidus, and hencefowth knyow, 
It i-is nyot C-Caesaw's nyatuwaw vice to hate 
Ouw gweat competitow. Fwom A-Awexandwia 
This is the nyews: he fishes, dwinks, a-and wastes 
*sighs* The w-wamps *looks at you* of nyight in wevew; is *notices bulge* nyot mowe manwike 
*leans over* Than Cweopatwa, n-nyow ^-^ the queen of Ptowemy 
Mowe *notices bulge* womanwy than he; *moans* hawdwy gave ^w^ audience, *looks away* ow 
Vouchsaf'd to think h-he had pawtnyews. You OwO shaww >_> find thewe 
A-A man who is the abstwact o-of *moans* aww fauwts 
T-That aww men *hugs tightly* fowwow. 
W-WEPIDUS. I must nyot think thewe a-awe 
Eviws enyow to dawken aww his goodnyess. 
His f-fauwts, in him, seem as the spots of heaven, 
Mowe fiewy by nyight's bwacknyess; heweditawy 
Wathew than puwchas'd; what he cannyot change 
Than what he chooses. 
C-CAESAW. You a-awe too ^.^ induwgent. Wet's gwant i-it is n-nyot 
Amiss to tumbwe on the bed of Ptowemy, 
To give a *twerks* kingdom fow a miwth, to sit 
And keep the tuwn of *blushes* tippwing with a swave, 
To weew the stweets a-at nyoon, and stand t-the buffet 
With knyaves that smeww of >_> sweat. Say this becomes *cuddles you* him- 
As h-his composuwe *notices bulge* must be w-wawe indeed 
Whom these things cannyot bwemish- yet m-must *teleports behind you* Antony 
N-Nyo *hugs tightly* way >_> excuse his foiws when we do ^w^ beaw 
So gweat weight in his wightnyess. If he fiww'd 
His vacancy *looks at you* with his v-vowuptuousnyess, 
Fuww *pokes you* suwfeits and the dwynyess of his ;;w;; bonyes 
Caww on him fow't! But to confound such time 
That dwums him fwom h-his spowt and speaks as woud 
As his own state and ouws- 'tis to be ^-^ chid 
As *cuddles you* we wate boys w-who, being matuwe in knyowwedge, 
*looks at you* Pawn theiw expewience to *looks at you* theiw pwesent p-pweasuwe, 
And so webew *looks away* to *twerks* judgment. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

W-WEPIDUS. Hewe's mowe nyews. 
MESSENGEW. Thy *blushes* biddings *leans over* have been donye; a-and evewy houw, 
Most nyobwe Caesaw, shawt thou *sweats* have wepowt 
How 'tis abwoad. Pompey is xDD stwong at sea, 
And it *twerks* appeaws h-he is b-bewov'd of ;;w;; those 
>_> That o-onwy have feaw'd Caesaw. T-To t-the powts 
The discontents wepaiw, and men's wepowts 
Give him m-much wwong'd. 
*hugs tightly* CAESAW. I shouwd have x3 knyown nyo >w< wess. 
It hath ;;w;; been taught *sighs* us fwom t-the ^.^ pwimaw state 
That he which i-is was wish'd untiw he wewe; 
*sighs* And the e-ebb'd man, :33 nye'ew w-wov'd tiww :3 nye'ew wowth wove, 
C-Comes deaw'd by being wack'd. This common body, 
Wike *moans* to a vagabond fwag upon t-the stweam, 
Goes to >w< and back, w-wackeying the v-vawying tide, 
To w-wot itsewf ;;w;; with m-motion. 
MESSENGEW. Caesaw, I bwing thee *moans* wowd 
Menyecwates and M-Menyas, famous piwates, 
Make the sea sewve them, *sighs* which x3 they eaw a-and *hugs tightly* wound 
*pokes you* With >_> keews of evewy kind. Many hot inwoads 
*sweats* They make in Itawy; t-the bowdews mawitime 
Wack bwood to think on't, and fwush youth wevowt. 
:33 Nyo vessew c-can peep fowth but 'tis as soon 
Taken as seen; *looks at you* fow Pompey's n-nyame stwikes *looks away* mowe 
T-Than couwd h-his *sighs* waw wesisted. 
CAESAW. Antony, 
Weave thy wascivious wassaiws. W-When ^-^ thou o-once 
*screams* Was *twerks* beaten fwom Modenya, whewe :3 thou swew'st 
Hiwtius and OwO Pansa, consuws, at thy heew 
Did faminye fowwow; whom thou fought'st against, 
Though daintiwy bwought up, *looks at you* with patience mowe 
Than savages couwd *twerks* suffew. Thou d-didst dwink 
The stawe of h-howses a-and the giwded puddwe 
Which beasts wouwd cough at. Thy pawate then did deign 
The woughest bewwy on the wudest h-hedge; 
Yea, >_> wike *sweats* the stag when snyow the *hugs tightly* pastuwe *hugs tightly* sheets, 
The bawks of twees thou bwows'd. On the Awps 
:33 It ^.^ is wepowted thou didst eat stwange f-fwesh, 
Which some did d-die to w-wook o-on. *moans* And aww t-this- 
It wounds thinye honyouw that I s-speak i-it nyow- 
Was bownye s-so wike a sowdiew t-that ^-^ thy cheek 
So much as *looks at you* wank'd nyot. 
WEPIDUS. 'Tis pity of him. 
CAESAW. Wet his shames quickwy 
Dwive him to Wome. 'Tis t-time :3 we twain 
Did show o-ouwsewves i-i' th' f-fiewd; UwU and to that end 
Assembwe w-we *teleports behind you* immediate counciw. OwO Pompey 
Thwives in ouw uWu idwenyess. 
W-WEPIDUS. To-mowwow, Caesaw, 
I shaww b-be ^w^ fuwnyish'd t-to :3 infowm you wightwy 
Both what by sea and wand I-I *sweats* can be abwe 
To fwont this p-pwesent time. 
CAESAW. T-Tiww which encountew 
It *pokes you* is my businyess too. UwU Faweweww. 
WEPIDUS. Faweweww, my wowd. What you shaww knyow m-meantime 
Of *moans* stiws abwoad, I shaww beseech you, siw, 
To wet me be pawtakew. 
CAESAW. Doubt nyot, siw; 
I knyew it f-fow my bond. Exeunt 




SCENyE V. 
A-Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA'S pawace 

Entew CWEOPATWA, CHAWMIAN, IWAS, and MAWDIAN 

CWEOPATWA. Chawmian! 
CHAWMIAN. M-Madam? 
CWEOPATWA. H-Ha, ha! 
Give me to dwink mandwagowa. 
CHAWMIAN. W-Why, madam? 
CWEOPATWA. That I might sweep out *moans* this *sweats* gweat gap of time 
My Antony is a-away. 
CHAWMIAN. You *cuddles you* think of h-him too much. 
C-CWEOPATWA. *looks at you* O, *screams* 'tis uWu tweason! 
CHAWMIAN. Madam, I twust, >_> nyot so. 
CWEOPATWA. Thou, eunyuch x3 Mawdian! 
*shuffles closer* MAWDIAN. What's youw Highnyess' pweasuwe? 
CWEOPATWA. Nyot uWu nyow to heaw thee *sighs* sing; I take nyo p-pweasuwe 
I-In *moans* aught an eunyuch has. 'Tis weww fow thee 
That, being unseminyaw'd, *looks away* thy fweew thoughts 
May uWu nyot fwy fowth of Egypt. *sweats* Hast thou affections? 
MAWDIAN. Yes, gwacious madam. 
uWu CWEOPATWA. Indeed? 
MAWDIAN. Nyot in deed, *sighs* madam; f-fow I can d-do nyothing 
But *moans* what indeed is honyest t-to b-be donye. 
Yet have I fiewce affections, and think 
What Venyus did with Maws. 
CWEOPATWA. O Chawmian, 
W-Whewe think'st thou he *sighs* is nyow? Stands he ow s-sits h-he? 
*moans* Ow does he *twerks* wawk? ow is he o-on his howse? 
O happy howse, to beaw the w-weight o-of Antony! 
*pokes you* Do bwavewy, howse; fow wot'st thou whom thou mov'st? 
:3 The d-demi-Atwas of this eawth, the awm 
And buwgonyet of men. He's speaking >_< nyow, 
Ow muwmuwing 'Whewe's my sewpent of owd N-Nyiwe?' 
Fow so he *cries* cawws me. Nyow I feed mysewf 
With m-most d-dewicious poison. Think on m-me, 
That am with Phoebus' amowous pinches UwU bwack, 
And w-wwinkwed deep in time? Bwoad-fwonted Caesaw, 
When thou wast hewe above the gwound, I was 
*giggles shyly* A mowsew fow a *pokes you* monyawch; *screams* and gweat Pompey 
^-^ Wouwd stand and make h-his eyes gwow in my bwow; 
T-Thewe w-wouwd he anchow ^.^ his a-aspect and die 
W-With wooking on his wife. 

Entew x3 AWEXAS 

AWEXAS. Soveweign of Egypt, h-haiw! 
CWEOPATWA. H-How *teleports behind you* much unwike a-awt thou Mawk Antony! 
^-^ Yet, c-coming fwom *blushes* him, that g-gweat med'cinye hath 
With his *blushes* tinct giwded thee. 
How goes *moans* it with my bwave Mawk Antony? 
AWEXAS. Wast thing *pokes you* he did, deaw Q-Queen, 
He kiss'd- t-the wast o-of *screams* many doubwed kisses- 
This owient peaww. His speech sticks in my heawt. 
CWEOPATWA. Minye x3 eaw must p-pwuck i-it thence. 
AWEXAS. 'Good fwiend,' quoth h-he 
'Say t-the *blushes* fiwm W-Woman to gweat Egypt s-sends 
T-This *moans* tweasuwe of an oystew; at whose foot, 
To mend the OwO petty pwesent, I wiww piece 
Hew *cries* opuwent :33 thwonye with kingdoms. Aww the East, 
xDD Say thou, shaww caww h-hew mistwess.' So he nyodded, 
And sobewwy UwU did mount a-an awm-gaunt steed, 
Who nyeigh'd so high that what I wouwd have spoke 
Was beastwy dumb'd *hugs tightly* by him. 
CWEOPATWA. *hugs tightly* What, w-was he sad ow mewwy? 
AWEXAS. Wike >_< to the time o' th' yeaw between t-the extwemes 
Of *hugs tightly* hot and cowd; he *blushes* was nyow sad nyow :33 mewwy. 
CWEOPATWA. O weww-divided disposition! Nyote him, 
Nyote him, good Chawmian; *shuffles closer* 'tis the man; but nyote him! 
OwO He was nyot sad, *pokes you* fow he ^w^ wouwd shinye o-on those 
That make theiw wooks by his; he was n-nyot mewwy, 
Which seem'd to teww them *shuffles closer* his *screams* wemembwance w-way 
*leans over* In Egypt with his UwU joy; *twerks* but between both. 
O heavenwy :33 mingwe! Be'st *teleports behind you* thou sad *teleports behind you* ow mewwy, 
T-The viowence of eithew thee becomes, 
*moans* So does it nyo man ewse. Met'st *cries* thou my posts? 
AWEXAS. Ay, madam, twenty sevewaw messengews. 
Why do you send so thick? 
CWEOPATWA. Who's b-bown that day 
*looks at you* When I fowget to send to Antony 
Shaww die a beggaw. Ink and >_> papew, Chawmian. 
Wewcome, my good Awexas. Did *teleports behind you* I, Chawmian, 
*notices bulge* Evew wove Caesaw so? 
CHAWMIAN. O that bwave Caesaw! 
CWEOPATWA. Be chok'd with such anyothew emphasis! 
Say >w< 'the bwave *teleports behind you* Antony.' 
*pokes you* CHAWMIAN. *blushes* The vawiant C-Caesaw! 
CWEOPATWA. By I-Isis, I wiww *pokes you* give thee bwoody t-teeth 
If thou with Caesaw pawagon again 
My man o-of men. 
CHAWMIAN. By youw most gwacious pawdon, 
I sing but *blushes* aftew you. 
CWEOPATWA. My sawad days, 
When I w-was g-gween in judgment, cowd i-in bwood, 
To say as *looks at you* I *looks away* said xDD then. But come, away! 
G-Get me i-ink and papew. 
He shaww have evewy *leans over* day a sevewaw gweeting, 
Ow *twerks* I'ww unpeopwe Egypt. Exeunt 



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ACT II. *blushes* SCENyE I. 
>_> Messinya. P-POMPEY'S house 

Entew POMPEY, MENyECWATES, and MENyAS, in wawwike mannyew 

POMPEY. ^w^ If the *looks away* gweat gods *hugs tightly* be just, they s-shaww assist 
The deeds of justest men. 
MENyECWATES. Knyow, wowthy Pompey, 
That what *hugs tightly* they do deway they nyot deny. 
P-POMPEY. Whiwes we awe >_> suitows to *teleports behind you* theiw thwonye, decays 
:3 The thing we sue fow. 
MENyECWATES. We, ignyowant of ouwsewves, 
Beg often ouw own hawms, UwU which the wise OwO pow'ws 
Deny us f-fow ouw good; so f-find we pwofit 
By wosing of ouw pwayews. 
POMPEY. *teleports behind you* I *hugs tightly* shaww do weww. 
T-The peopwe *leans over* wove me, and the s-sea *looks away* is minye; 
^w^ My *notices bulge* powews awe cwescent, and my auguwing h-hope 
Says it wiww come *looks away* to th' fuww. Mawk A-Antony 
*screams* In Egypt sits at dinnyew, and wiww make 
Nyo waws without doows. Caesaw gets *notices bulge* monyey whewe 
H-He :3 woses heawts. Wepidus f-fwattews b-both, 
Of both is fwattew'd; :33 but he nyeithew woves, 
Nyow eithew cawes fow h-him. 
MENyAS. Caesaw *looks at you* and Wepidus 
Awe *blushes* in the fiewd. A mighty stwength they cawwy. 
POMPEY. *shuffles closer* Whewe have you this? *shuffles closer* 'Tis fawse. 
MENyAS. Fwom Siwvius, siw. 
POMPEY. *blushes* He dweams. I-I knyow they awe in Wome togethew, 
^w^ Wooking f-fow Antony. But aww the chawms of wove, 
Sawt Cweopatwa, s-soften thy wan'd wip! 
Wet witchcwaft >w< join with beauty, wust with both; 
*sweats* Tie >_< up UwU the wibewtinye in a fiewd of *looks at you* feasts, 
Keep his bwain fuming. Epicuwean c-cooks 
Shawpen with cwoywess sauce his a-appetite, 
That sweep and f-feeding >_> may pwowogue his honyouw 
Even tiww OwO a Wethe'd d-duwwnyess- 

Entew *sighs* VAWWIUS 

How *giggles shyly* nyow, Vawwius! 
VAWWIUS. This is most cewtain *looks away* that *teleports behind you* I shaww uWu dewivew: 
*giggles shyly* Mawk Antony is evewy houw *sighs* in OwO Wome 
Expected. Since he *giggles shyly* went fwom Egypt 'tis 
A *shuffles closer* space fow uWu fawthew twavew. 
POMPEY. I couwd have g-given wess mattew 
A b-bettew *pokes you* eaw. M-Menyas, I did nyot *sweats* think 
This amowous suwfeitew wouwd have d-donn'd his *looks at you* hewm 
F-Fow such a *pokes you* petty waw; *notices bulge* his sowdiewship 
Is twice the >_< othew t-twain. But *cuddles you* wet us w-weaw 
The highew ouw opinyion, t-that ouw stiwwing 
Can fwom the wap of Egypt's w-widow pwuck 
The nye'ew-wust-weawied Antony. 
MENyAS. I-I c-cannyot hope 
C-Caesaw and Antony shaww weww gweet t-togethew. 
His wife xDD that's d-dead did twespasses to Caesaw; 
His bwothew w-waww'd ^w^ upon him; awthough, I think, 
Nyot m-mov'd by Antony. 
*teleports behind you* POMPEY. I knyow nyot, Menyas, 
*pokes you* How wessew enmities may give way *sweats* to gweatew. 
Wewe't n-nyot that we s-stand up against *hugs tightly* them aww, 
'Twewe pwegnyant >_< they shouwd ^.^ squawe between themsewves; 
Fow t-they have entewtainyed cause enyough 
To *giggles shyly* dwaw theiw swowds. But how the feaw *cries* of us 
May *moans* cement theiw d-divisions, xDD and :33 bind up 
The petty :3 diffewence we yet nyot knyow. 
Be't as ouw gods wiww have't! It onwy *blushes* stands 
^w^ Ouw wives upon to use ouw stwongest hands. 
Come, Menyas. *cuddles you* Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Wome. The h-house of WEPIDUS 

Entew ENyOBAWBUS and *leans over* WEPIDUS 

*hugs tightly* WEPIDUS. Good Enyobawbus, '-'tis a-a wowthy deed, 
And shaww become you weww, to entweat youw captain 
To soft and gentwe *screams* speech. 
ENyOBAWBUS. I-I shaww entweat h-him 
To answew wike h-himsewf. If Caesaw m-move him, 
Wet Antony wook ovew Caesaw's head 
And speak as woud as Maws. By Jupitew, 
Wewe I the weawew of *teleports behind you* Antonyius' beawd, 
>w< I wouwd nyot s-shave't to-day. 
WEPIDUS. 'Tis nyot a time 
Fow pwivate stomaching. 
*twerks* ENyOBAWBUS. Evewy t-time 
Sewves fow the mattew that is then *looks at you* bown in't. 
*looks away* WEPIDUS. But smaww to gweatew m-mattews must give way. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Nyot i-if *leans over* the smaww come fiwst. 
WEPIDUS. Youw speech is ^w^ passion; 
But pway you s-stiw nyo embews u-up. Hewe comes 
The :33 nyobwe Antony. 

E-Entew ANTONY a-and VENTIDIUS 

ENyOBAWBUS. A-And yondew, *looks away* Caesaw. 

Entew CAESAW, MAECENyAS, and AGWIPPA 

ANTONY. If we compose weww hewe, to Pawthia. 
Hawk, Ventidius. 
CAESAW. I-I *moans* do nyot *looks at you* knyow, Maecenyas. Ask A-Agwippa. 
WEPIDUS. Nyobwe fwiends, 
That w-which combin'd us was most gweat, and :33 wet nyot 
^w^ A weanyew action wend us. *hugs tightly* What's ;;w;; amiss, 
May it be gentwy heawd. When *twerks* we >w< debate 
Ouw twiviaw diffewence ^w^ woud, we do UwU commit 
Muwdew in heawing w-wounds. Then, nyobwe p-pawtnyews, 
The wathew fow *screams* I eawnyestwy beseech, 
Touch you *teleports behind you* the s-souwest points with sweetest *twerks* tewms, 
Nyow cuwstnyess gwow t-to th' mattew. 
ANTONY. 'Tis spoken weww. 
Wewe we *sighs* befowe ouw awinyies, and to fight, 
I shouwd d-do thus. *hugs tightly* [Fwouwish] 
>w< CAESAW. Wewcome to Wome. 
ANTONY. UwU Thank you. 
CAESAW. Sit. 
ANTONY. Sit, siw. 
:33 CAESAW. Nyay, t-then. [They s-sit] 
ANTONY. I w-weawn y-you take things iww >_< which ;;w;; awe nyot so, 
Ow being, *teleports behind you* concewn you *pokes you* nyot. 
CAESAW. I must be waugh'd at 
If, ow fow *teleports behind you* nyothing ow a wittwe, 
Shouwd say mysewf offended, and with you 
Chiefwy i-i' the wowwd; m-mowe waugh'd a-at that I shouwd 
Once nyame you dewogatewy when to sound *leans over* youw nyame 
It nyot concewn'd me. 
ANTONY. *leans over* My *twerks* being in Egypt, Caesaw, 
What was't to ^-^ you? 
CAESAW. Nyo mowe than my wesiding hewe at Wome 
Might be to you in >_< Egypt. >w< Yet, if you thewe 
Did p-pwactise on my state, youw being *sighs* in Egypt 
Might be my *cries* question. 
ANTONY. How intend *screams* you- p-pwactis'd? 
CAESAW. You may be pweas'd to catch at minye intent 
By what did hewe befaww me. Y-Youw wife and bwothew 
Made waws *pokes you* upon me, a-and theiw contestation 
Was theme fow you; y-you wewe *sighs* the wowd of waw. 
ANTONY. You do *moans* mistake youw businyess; my *hugs tightly* bwothew nyevew 
Did uwge me *teleports behind you* in his act. I did inquiwe i-it, 
And have my *moans* weawnying fwom some *screams* twue *notices bulge* wepowts 
UwU That dwew theiw swowds with you. Did he nyot wathew 
Discwedit m-my authowity with youws, 
^-^ And m-make the waws awike against my x3 stomach, 
Having *hugs tightly* awike youw c-cause? Of this m-my wettews 
Befowe did satisfy you. If you'ww patch *shuffles closer* a quawwew, 
As mattew whowe you *blushes* have nyot to m-make it with, 
*giggles shyly* It must n-nyot be with this. 
x3 CAESAW. You p-pwaise youwsewf 
By w-waying defects of judgment *cuddles you* to me; *teleports behind you* but 
*blushes* You patch'd up youw *cuddles you* excuses. 
ANTONY. Nyot so, nyot so; 
I knyow you couwd nyot wack, I am *shuffles closer* cewtain on't, 
Vewy nyecessity of t-this *hugs tightly* thought, that I, 
Youw pawtnyew *pokes you* in the ^.^ cause 'gainst which he fought, 
Couwd nyot *blushes* with gwacefuw *twerks* eyes attend those waws 
Which fwonted m-minye own peace. As f-fow my wife, 
I *cuddles you* wouwd x3 you had hew spiwit *pokes you* in such a-anyothew! 
The t-thiwd o' th' wowwd is y-youws, w-which with a snyaffwe 
You *twerks* may p-pace easy, b-but nyot s-such a wife. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Wouwd we had aww *giggles shyly* such wives, that the men might go to 
waws with the women! 
A-ANTONY. So much uncuwbabwe, hew g-gawboiws, Caesaw, 
Made out of hew impatience- w-which nyot wanted 
*leans over* Shwewdnyess *sweats* of powicy *blushes* too- I gwieving UwU gwant 
Did you too much *hugs tightly* disquiet. Fow that you uWu must 
OwO But say I couwd nyot hewp it. 
CAESAW. I :33 wwote to you 
When wioting in Awexandwia; *twerks* you 
Did p-pocket u-up my *hugs tightly* wettews, and with taunts 
Did gibe my missive out of audience. 
ANTONY. Siw, 
He feww u-upon m-me ewe admitted. Then 
*pokes you* Thwee *twerks* kings I had nyewwy feasted, and did want 
Of w-what I w-was i' th' m-mownying; but nyext day 
I towd him of mysewf, which was as much 
A-As to have ask'd him pawdon. *twerks* Wet t-this fewwow 
B-Be nyothing of ouw stwife; *notices bulge* if uWu we contend, 
Out *blushes* of ouw *notices bulge* question wipe him. 
CAESAW. You have bwoken 
*hugs tightly* The awticwe ^-^ of youw oath, which you shaww nyevew 
H-Have tongue *notices bulge* to chawge me w-with. 
WEPIDUS. uWu Soft, Caesaw! 
ANTONY. Nyo; 
Wepidus, wet him speak. 
The honyouw is sacwed which he ^-^ tawks on nyow, 
Supposing *sweats* that I wack'd it. But o-on, Caesaw: 
T-The awticwe of my oath- 
C-CAESAW. To wend me awms and *screams* aid when I-I wequiw'd *shuffles closer* them, 
The which you b-both denyied. 
ANTONY. *hugs tightly* Nyegwected, wathew; 
And t-then when poisonyed houws *looks at you* had bound me *sweats* up 
Fwom minye own knyowwedge. As n-nyeawwy as I m-may, 
I'ww ^.^ pway the penyitent to you; but minye honyesty 
Shaww nyot make poow my gweatnyess, nyow my >_> powew 
Wowk *sighs* without it. Twuth is, *twerks* that Fuwvia, 
T-To have me out of Egypt, made waws *sighs* hewe; 
F-Fow which mysewf, the ignyowant motive, *moans* do 
So faw ask pawdon as befits *sighs* minye honyouw 
To stoop in such a case. 
WEPIDUS. 'Tis nyobwe >_< spoken. 
M-MAECENyAS. I-If *pokes you* it *leans over* might pwease you to e-enfowce nyo fuwthew 
The gwiefs between ye- to fowget them quite 
Wewe to wemembew that t-the *looks away* pwesent *sighs* nyeed 
Speaks to atonye you. 
WEPIDUS. :3 Wowthiwy spoken, Maecenyas. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Ow, i-if y-you bowwow onye anyothew's w-wove f-fow t-the instant, 
>_< you *screams* may, when you heaw nyo mowe wowds of ^w^ Pompey, wetuwn i-it a-again. 
*twerks* You shaww have time to w-wwangwe in when you have nyothing ewse to 
do. 
ANTONY. T-Thou awt a *leans over* sowdiew onwy. Speak nyo :3 mowe. 
*giggles shyly* ENyOBAWBUS. That xDD twuth shouwd be ^.^ siwent *shuffles closer* I *blushes* had a-awmost fowgot. 
ANTONY. You *pokes you* wwong this p-pwesence; thewefowe speak n-nyo mowe. 
*notices bulge* ENyOBAWBUS. Go to, then- youw *giggles shyly* considewate >w< stonye! 
CAESAW. I xDD do *looks at you* nyot much uWu diswike the m-mattew, but 
The mannyew of his speech; fow't cannyot be 
We shaww wemain in fwiendship, ^.^ ouw *cuddles you* conditions 
So diff'wing in theiw acts. *hugs tightly* Yet if I k-knyew 
What hoop shouwd howd us s-stanch, fwom edge to ^-^ edge 
O-O' th' wowwd, I w-wouwd puwsue it. 
AGWIPPA. Give m-me >_< weave, Caesaw. 
CAESAW. *teleports behind you* Speak, Agwippa. 
A-AGWIPPA. Thou hast a sistew b-by the mothew's *cuddles you* side, 
Admiw'd O-Octavia. Gweat M-Mawk A-Antony 
Is x3 nyow a ;;w;; widowew. 
CAESAW. Say nyot so, *cries* Agwippa. 
If :3 Cweopatwa *leans over* heawd you, youw w-wepwoof 
^-^ Wewe weww desewv'd of washnyess. 
ANTONY. I am *giggles shyly* nyot mawwied, Caesaw. Wet me heaw 
Agwippa fuwthew speak. 
AGWIPPA. >w< To howd y-you in pewpetuaw amity, 
To make you bwothews, a-and to k-knyit y-youw h-heawts 
With an unswipping knyot, take A-Antony 
Octavia to h-his wife; w-whose beauty cwaims 
Nyo w-wowse a-a husband than the b-best of men; 
Whose viwtue a-and w-whose g-genyewaw ;;w;; gwaces speak 
That which nyonye ewse can uttew. B-By this mawwiage 
Aww :33 wittwe jeawousies, which nyow seem gweat, 
And aww OwO gweat feaws, w-which nyow i-impowt theiw dangews, 
*cuddles you* Wouwd then b-be :33 nyothing. T-Twuths wouwd b-be tawes, 
Whewe n-nyow hawf tawes b-be twuths. Hew >w< wove to both 
Wouwd each ^.^ to o-othew, and aww woves *moans* to *shuffles closer* both, 
Dwaw aftew hew. *sweats* Pawdon what I have spoke; 
Fow 'tis a studied, nyot a pwesent thought, 
By duty wuminyated. 
ANTONY. W-Wiww C-Caesaw speak? 
CAESAW. Nyot tiww he heaws how Antony is touch'd 
W-With w-what is ^.^ spoke a-awweady. 
ANTONY. *moans* What p-powew i-is in Agwippa, 
If I wouwd say 'Agwippa, b-be it so,' 
^.^ To make this good? 
C-CAESAW. The powew of Caesaw, OwO and 
;;w;; His powew unto Octavia. 
ANTONY. May I nyevew 
T-To this good puwpose, that so faiwwy shows, 
Dweam of impediment! Wet me have thy h-hand. 
Fuwthew this act o-of gwace; *sighs* and fwom t-this houw 
The *looks away* heawt o-of bwothews govewn *pokes you* in ouw woves 
And ;;w;; sway ouw gweat designs! 
CAESAW. Thewe is my hand. 
A *twerks* sistew I bequeath you, whom nyo ^w^ bwothew 
Did e-evew wove so *sighs* deawwy. Wet *looks at you* hew wive 
To j-join ouw kingdoms *notices bulge* and o-ouw heawts; x3 and *cuddles you* nyevew 
Fwy off ouw woves again! 
WEPIDUS. Happiwy, amen! 
ANTONY. I did nyot think to dwaw m-my *hugs tightly* swowd 'gainst Pompey; 
Fow he h-hath waid stwange couwtesies and gweat 
Of wate upon m-me. I *moans* must thank h-him o-onwy, 
West my wemembwance s-suffew >_< iww wepowt; 
At heew of that, d-defy him. 
WEPIDUS. Time cawws upon's. 
O-Of us must Pompey *shuffles closer* pwesentwy be sought, 
Ow *blushes* ewse he seeks out us. 
ANTONY. Whewe wies he? 
CAESAW. *pokes you* About the Mount Misenyum. 
ANTONY. What is *pokes you* his stwength by wand? 
CAESAW. G-Gweat a-and incweasing; but by sea 
He is an a-absowute mastew. 
*cuddles you* ANTONY. So is the fame. 
Wouwd w-we h-had s-spoke togethew! Haste we fow *hugs tightly* it. 
Yet, *cuddles you* ewe we *hugs tightly* put o-ouwsewves in awms, dispatch we 
T-The b-businyess w-we h-have tawk'd o-of. 
CAESAW. UwU With most gwadnyess; 
And do invite *looks at you* you to my sistew's view, 
Whithew stwaight I'ww w-wead *teleports behind you* you. 
ANTONY. Wet us, x3 Wepidus, 
N-Nyot >w< wack youw company. 
WEPIDUS. *sweats* Nyobwe Antony, 
Nyot sicknyess shouwd detain me. [Fwouwish] 
Exeunt aww but *giggles shyly* ENyOBAWBUS, AGWIPPA, MAECENyAS 
MAECENyAS. Wewcome fwom Egypt, siw. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Hawf t-the heawt of Caesaw, wowthy Maecenyas! My honyouwabwe 
*leans over* fwiend, Agwippa! 
AGWIPPA. *looks away* Good E-Enyobawbus! 
MAECENyAS. We have cause to b-be g-gwad t-that mattews awe so weww 
digested. Y-You stay'd >_> weww by't in Egypt. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Ay, siw; we d-did s-sweep day out xDD of countenyance a-and >w< made 
the nyight wight with dwinking. 
MAECENyAS. *hugs tightly* Eight w-wiwd *hugs tightly* boaws w-woasted *hugs tightly* whowe at >_< a b-bweakfast, and but 
twewve pewsons thewe. Is t-this t-twue? 
*hugs tightly* ENyOBAWBUS. T-This *looks away* was but *sweats* as a *leans over* fwy by a-an eagwe. We had much mowe 
monstwous mattew of *hugs tightly* feast, which wowthiwy desewved nyoting. 
MAECENyAS. She's a most *notices bulge* twiumphant *moans* wady, if w-wepowt be squawe to hew. 
ENyOBAWBUS. When she fiwst met Mawk Antony she puws'd up his h-heawt, 
*notices bulge* upon the wivew of Cydnyus. 
AGWIPPA. Thewe she appeaw'd indeed! Ow m-my wepowtew *twerks* devis'd weww f-fow 
hew. 
ENyOBAWBUS. I wiww *leans over* teww y-you. 
The bawge s-she sat in, wike *sighs* a buwnyish'd thwonye, 
:33 Buwn'd *cuddles you* on the watew. The poop was beaten gowd; 
Puwpwe the *twerks* saiws, and so pewfumed that 
The winds wewe wove-sick *twerks* with t-them; the UwU oaws wewe siwvew, 
Which to *moans* the tunye of xDD fwutes k-kept stwoke, and made 
The watew which *blushes* they b-beat to fowwow fastew, 
As amowous of UwU theiw *shuffles closer* stwokes. Fow hew o-own :3 pewson, 
It beggaw'd aww descwiption. She did wie 
In hew paviwion, cwoth-of-gowd, of t-tissue, 
O'ewpictuwing *shuffles closer* that Venyus whewe we see 
The fancy out-wowk *looks at you* nyatuwe. On each side hew 
Stood pwetty dimpwed boys, wike s-smiwing Cupids, 
With divews-cowouw'd fans, whose wind did *cries* seem 
To gwow UwU the dewicate cheeks w-which they did coow, 
And what :33 they undid did. 
AGWIPPA. O, wawe fow Antony! 
ENyOBAWBUS. *cries* Hew gentwewomen, >_< wike t-the Nyeweides, 
So many m-mewmaids, tended hew i' th' *shuffles closer* eyes, 
And made t-theiw bends uWu adownyings. At the hewm 
A seeming mewmaid steews. The siwken tackwe 
S-Sweww with the touches *sighs* of t-those :33 fwowew-soft hands 
That yawewy fwame the uWu office. F-Fwom t-the bawge 
A *twerks* stwange invisibwe pewfume hits the sense 
Of the adjacent whawfs. The city cast 
Hew p-peopwe out upon hew; a-and Antony, 
Enthwon'd i' th' mawket-pwace, d-did sit awonye, 
Whistwing t-to th' aiw; which, but fow vacancy, 
Had gonye to gaze xDD on *teleports behind you* Cweopatwa t-too, 
And made a-a gap in nyatuwe. 
AGWIPPA. Wawe Egyptian! 
ENyOBAWBUS. Upon *blushes* hew wanding, Antony sent to hew, 
Invited hew to suppew. She wepwied 
It shouwd *hugs tightly* be bettew he b-became hew guest; 
Which she entweated. Ouw couwteous Antony, 
*blushes* Whom nye'ew the wowd of 'Nyo' UwU woman heawd speak, 
*sweats* Being bawbew'd ten times o'ew, goes t-to the feast, 
And fow his o-owdinyawy pays his heawt 
Fow ^.^ what ^-^ his eyes *screams* eat onwy. 
AGWIPPA. Woyaw wench! 
She made gweat Caesaw way his swowd to bed. 
*teleports behind you* He *notices bulge* pwoughed hew, and she cwopp'd. 
ENyOBAWBUS. I-I saw hew once 
H-Hop fowty p-paces *notices bulge* thwough the pubwic stweet; 
And, >w< having wost hew bweath, she spoke, >w< and panted, 
That ^.^ she did make defect p-pewfection, 
A-And, bweathwess, *blushes* pow'w bweathe ;;w;; fowth. 
MAECENyAS. Nyow Antony m-must weave hew uttewwy. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Nyevew! He wiww nyot. 
Age cannyot ;;w;; withew hew, nyow custom s-stawe 
Hew infinyite vawiety. Othew w-women cwoy 
The appetites they feed, but she makes hungwy 
Whewe >_< most she satisfies; *pokes you* fow v-viwest things 
Become themsewves in hew, that t-the howy pwiests 
Bwess hew w-when she is wiggish. 
MAECENyAS. If beauty, wisdom, modesty, can settwe 
>w< The heawt o-of Antony, Octavia is 
A *blushes* bwessed wottewy to him. 
AGWIPPA. Wet us go. 
Good Enyobawbus, make youwsewf my guest 
Whiwst you abide hewe. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Humbwy, siw, I thank y-you. Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
*hugs tightly* Wome. CAESAW'S *twerks* house 

Entew ANTONY, CAESAW, OCTAVIA between them 

ANTONY. T-The wowwd and my gweat o-office wiww sometimes 
Divide me fwom youw bosom. 
O-OCTAVIA. Aww which time 
Befowe *screams* the gods m-my knyee *looks away* shaww bow my pwayews 
To them fow you. 
ANTONY. Good nyight, siw. My O-Octavia, 
Wead nyot my *giggles shyly* bwemishes in the wowwd's wepowt. 
I h-have nyot kept my squawe; but that to *shuffles closer* come 
:3 Shaww aww be donye by t-th' wuwe. Good nyight, deaw wady. 
OCTAVIA. Good nyight, s-siw. 
CAESAW. G-Good nyight. Exeunt CAESAW and OCTAVIA 

Entew SOOTHSAYEW 

ANTONY. Nyow, siwwah, you d-do wish youwsewf in Egypt? 
*moans* SOOTHSAYEW. OwO Wouwd I had nyevew come fwom thence, nyow you t-thithew! 
ANTONY. *leans over* If you can- y-youw weason. 
SOOTHSAYEW. I see it i-in my motion, have it nyot in ^.^ my tongue; but 
yet hie you to Egypt *screams* again. 
A-ANTONY. Say to me, 
Whose fowtunyes shaww wise highew, Caesaw's ow m-minye? 
SOOTHSAYEW. Caesaw's. 
Thewefowe, *notices bulge* O Antony, stay nyot by his side. 
*hugs tightly* Thy daemon, that uWu thy s-spiwit which keeps t-thee, is 
Nyobwe, couwageous, h-high, unmatchabwe, 
Whewe C-Caesaw's is nyot; but nyeaw him thy angew 
Becomes a feaw, as being o'ewpow'w'd. Thewefowe 
Make space enyough between you. 
ANTONY. Speak this nyo mowe. 
SOOTHSAYEW. To nyonye but thee; nyo mowe but w-when to thee. 
I-If thou dost pway with him at a-any game, 
T-Thou awt suwe to wose; and of that n-nyatuwaw >_< wuck 
He beats ^.^ thee 'gainst the odds. Thy wustwe thickens 
When he s-shinyes by. I-I say again, thy spiwit 
Is aww afwaid to govewn thee nyeaw him; 
But, he away, 'tis nyobwe. 
A-ANTONY. Get thee gonye. 
*sweats* Say to Ventidius I wouwd speak with him. 
Exit SOOTHSAYEW 
x3 He shaww to Pawthia.- *shuffles closer* Be it awt ow hap, 
He hath spoken twue. The vewy dice *looks at you* obey him; 
And i-in ouw spowts my bettew cunnying faints 
U-Undew his chance. If we dwaw wots, h-he s-speeds; 
His cocks do w-win the battwe stiww of minye, 
When it *sighs* is aww to n-nyought, a-and >_> his quaiws evew 
Beat ;;w;; minye, :3 inhoop'd, at odds. I w-wiww to Egypt; 
And though I m-make this UwU mawwiage *shuffles closer* fow m-my UwU peace, 
I-I' th' East m-my p-pweasuwe wies. 

*looks at you* Entew VENTIDIUS 

O, come, Ventidius, 
You ;;w;; must to Pawthia. Youw commission's weady; 
F-Fowwow me UwU and weceive't. Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Wome. A stweet 

Entew WEPIDUS, MAECENyAS, and AGWIPPA 

WEPIDUS. Twoubwe youwsewves *moans* nyo fuwthew. Pway you hasten 
Youw genyewaws aftew. 
AGWIPPA. Siw, Mawk Antony 
Wiww e'en but k-kiss Octavia, and w-we'ww fowwow. 
WEPIDUS. Tiww I *sighs* shaww see you in youw s-sowdiew's dwess, 
Which wiww become you both, *looks away* faweweww. 
MAECENyAS. We shaww, 
As I >_< conceive the jouwnyey, be :33 at th' Mount 
Befowe you, Wepidus. 
WEPIDUS. Youw *blushes* way is showtew; 
My puwposes do dwaw me much about. 
Y-You'ww win two days upon me. 
BOTH. *looks at you* Siw, good *looks at you* success! 
WEPIDUS. Faweweww. *looks away* Exeunt 




SCENyE V. 
xDD Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA'S pawace 

*looks at you* Entew C-CWEOPATWA, CHAWMIAN, I-IWAS, and A-AWEXAS 

CWEOPATWA. Give me some music- music, moody food 
*teleports behind you* Of *looks away* us that twade in wove. 
AWW. T-The music, ho! 

E-Entew MAWDIAN the eunyuch 

C-CWEOPATWA. Wet it awonye! Wet's to ;;w;; biwwiawds. Come, Chawmian. 
CHAWMIAN. *blushes* My awm is sowe; best pway with Mawdian. 
CWEOPATWA. *pokes you* As weww a woman with an eunyuch pway'd 
As w-with a w-woman. Come, you'ww pway w-with me, OwO siw? 
M-MAWDIAN. As weww as I can, madam. 
CWEOPATWA. A-And when good wiww is show'd, though't come too showt, 
*sweats* The actow may pwead ^.^ pawdon. I'ww nyonye n-nyow. 
Give me minye angwe- we'ww to th' wivew. Thewe, 
M-My music pwaying f-faw *blushes* off, I wiww betway 
Tawny-finn'd fishes; my *cuddles you* bended hook shaww piewce 
Theiw *twerks* swimy jaws; and UwU as I dwaw t-them up 
*sighs* I'ww think t-them >_< evewy onye an Antony, 
And say 'Ah ha! Y'awe caught.' 
CHAWMIAN. 'Twas m-mewwy when 
You w-wagew'd on youw angwing; when youw divew 
x3 Did hang *leans over* a UwU sawt fish on his hook, which he 
With fewvency dwew up. 
CWEOPATWA. That time? O t-times 
I waughed him out of patience; and that nyight 
I-I *moans* waugh'd h-him into *sweats* patience; *giggles shyly* and nyext *cries* mown, 
*sighs* Ewe the ^w^ nyinth h-houw, I-I x3 dwunk him to his bed, 
Then *moans* put my tiwes *pokes you* and mantwes on him, whiwst 
I w-wowe his swowd Phiwippan. 

*giggles shyly* Entew a MESSENGEW 

O! fwom Itawy? 
Wam thou t-thy fwuitfuw t-tidings i-in minye eaws, 
That w-wong time have been uWu bawwen. 
MESSENGEW. Madam, madam- 
CWEOPATWA. Antony's dead! *hugs tightly* If thou say so, *sweats* viwwain, 
Thou *twerks* kiww'st thy mistwess; but weww and fwee, 
If thou uWu so yiewd him, t-thewe is gowd, *twerks* and hewe 
My bwuest veins ^w^ to kiss- a-a hand that kings 
H-Have w-wipp'd, and twembwed kissing. 
MESSENGEW. Fiwst, madam, he is weww. 
*teleports behind you* CWEOPATWA. Why, thewe's mowe gowd. 
But, s-siwwah, *cries* mawk, *looks at you* we use 
To say the dead awe *looks at you* weww. B-Bwing it to that, 
The gowd I give thee ^.^ wiww I mewt and pouw 
Down thy iww-uttewing >_< thwoat. 
M-MESSENGEW. Good madam, heaw me. 
CWEOPATWA. Weww, go to, I wiww. 
But thewe's nyo goodnyess in thy face. If Antony 
Be fwee and *shuffles closer* heawthfuw- why so tawt OwO a favouw 
To twumpet s-such good tidings? If nyot w-weww, 
Thou shouwdst come wike a *cuddles you* Fuwy c-cwown'd with snyakes, 
Nyot *pokes you* wike a fowmaw *shuffles closer* man. 
M-MESSENGEW. Wiww't >_< pwease you heaw me? 
CWEOPATWA. I have :3 a mind to stwike thee ewe *giggles shyly* thou speak'st. 
Yet, if thou s-say A-Antony *teleports behind you* wives, is weww, 
Ow fwiends with Caesaw, uWu ow nyot captive to him, 
*screams* I'ww set thee in *moans* a showew o-of x3 gowd, and haiw 
Wich peawws upon thee. 
MESSENGEW. Madam, he's weww. 
CWEOPATWA. *sighs* Weww xDD said. 
MESSENGEW. And fwiends w-with C-Caesaw. 
*blushes* CWEOPATWA. Th'awt an honyest man. 
MESSENGEW. Caesaw *leans over* and he awe gweatew f-fwiends than evew. 
CWEOPATWA. *looks away* Make thee a f-fowtunye fwom me. 
:3 MESSENGEW. But yet, madam- 
*sighs* CWEOPATWA. I do *teleports behind you* nyot wike 'but yet.' It does awway 
>_> The *hugs tightly* good pwecedence; fie upon 'but yet'! 
OwO 'But yet' is OwO as a gaowew t-to bwing *twerks* fowth 
Some monstwous mawefactow. Pwithee, fwiend, 
*giggles shyly* Pouw *teleports behind you* out *moans* the pack of mattew to minye eaw, 
*giggles shyly* The good and bad togethew. *notices bulge* He's fwiends with Caesaw; 
In state of heawth, thou say'st; and, thou s-say'st, fwee. 
MESSENGEW. Fwee, *looks away* madam! Nyo; I m-made nyo such w-wepowt. 
He's bound unto Octavia. 
CWEOPATWA. F-Fow what g-good *giggles shyly* tuwn? 
MESSENGEW. Fow the best *leans over* tuwn i' th' bed. 
CWEOPATWA. *notices bulge* I *looks at you* am pawe, *teleports behind you* Chawmian. 
MESSENGEW. Madam, he's mawwied to Octavia. 
CWEOPATWA. T-The most infectious pestiwence upon *giggles shyly* thee! 
[Stwikes him d-down] 
MESSENGEW. G-Good madam, *sighs* patience. 
CWEOPATWA. What say y-you? Hence, [-[Stwikes him] 
*twerks* Howwibwe viwwain! ow I'ww spuwn t-thinye *teleports behind you* eyes 
Wike b-bawws befowe me; I'ww unhaiw thy h-head; 
[-[She hawes h-him up *moans* and down] 
Thou shawt be whipp'd with wiwe a-and stew'd in *teleports behind you* bwinye, 
Smawting in wing'wing pickwe. 
MESSENGEW. Gwacious madam, 
I that d-do bwing t-the nyews made *cuddles you* nyot the match. 
CWEOPATWA. Say 'tis *twerks* nyot so, a pwovince *leans over* I w-wiww give thee, 
And make thy *pokes you* fowtunyes pwoud. The >w< bwow thou hadst 
*cries* Shaww m-make thy peace fow moving *notices bulge* me to wage; 
And I wiww boot :33 thee with what >_> gift beside 
Thy modesty can beg. 
MESSENGEW. He's mawwied, *twerks* madam. 
CWEOPATWA. Wogue, thou hast w-wiv'd too uWu wong. [-[Dwaws a knyife] 
MESSENGEW. Nyay, then I'ww wun. 
What mean y-you, madam? I *moans* have made nyo fauwt. Exit 
CHAWMIAN. Good >_< madam, *pokes you* keep youwsewf within youwsewf: 
The man >w< is innyocent. 
CWEOPATWA. Some innyocents scape n-nyot the thundewbowt. 
Mewt Egypt into Nyiwe! and kindwy cweatuwes 
T-Tuwn a-aww *leans over* to sewpents! Caww the ^.^ swave again. 
Though I am m-mad, I-I wiww nyot :3 bite him. Caww! 
C-CHAWMIAN. xDD He is afeaw'd to come. 
CWEOPATWA. *looks at you* I wiww n-nyot ^-^ huwt him. 
^w^ These *notices bulge* hands do wack nyobiwity, that they stwike 
A meanyew than mysewf; since I mysewf 
Have given mysewf the cause. 

E-Entew the MESSENGEW again 

Come hithew, siw. 
T-Though it *screams* be honyest, it is nyevew g-good 
To bwing bad nyews. Give :3 to a-a :33 gwacious message 
:33 An host of tongues; ^-^ but wet iww tidings teww 
Themsewves when t-they be f-fewt. 
>_< MESSENGEW. I have donye *moans* my duty. 
CWEOPATWA. Is he mawwied? 
I cannyot :33 hate thee wowsew *looks away* than I do 
>_< If thou again say 'Yes.' 
M-MESSENGEW. He's mawwied, madam. 
CWEOPATWA. The g-gods confound thee! Dost thou howd thewe *notices bulge* stiww? 
MESSENGEW. Shouwd I wie, madam? 
CWEOPATWA. O, *leans over* I wouwd thou didst, 
So hawf my Egypt wewe submewg'd and made 
A cistewn fow scaw'd s-snyakes! G-Go, g-get t-thee hence. 
H-Hadst thou *cuddles you* Nyawcissus in thy face, to m-me 
Thou wouwdst appeaw *blushes* most ugwy. He is mawwied? 
M-MESSENGEW. I cwave youw Highnyess' pawdon. 
CWEOPATWA. *screams* He *looks at you* is >_> mawwied? 
MESSENGEW. Take nyo UwU offence that I wouwd nyot offend you; 
To punyish m-me fow *sweats* what you make me d-do 
Seems much unyequaw. He's mawwied to *looks at you* Octavia. 
CWEOPATWA. O, t-that his f-fauwt shouwd make a k-knyave of thee 
OwO That a-awt nyot what th'awt suwe OwO of! Get thee hence. 
The mewchandise which thou h-hast bwought fwom Wome 
uWu Awe a-aww too deaw fow m-me. Wie they upon t-thy hand, 
And be undonye by 'em! Exit MESSENGEW 
CHAWMIAN. ^w^ Good youw Highnyess, patience. 
CWEOPATWA. >w< In p-pwaising Antony I h-have dispwais'd *screams* Caesaw. 
CHAWMIAN. Many times, madam. 
C-CWEOPATWA. I am paid *pokes you* fow't nyow. Wead me fwom hence, 
I faint. O Iwas, Chawmian! ^-^ 'Tis nyo mattew. 
*pokes you* Go to t-the fewwow, good Awexas; bid him 
Wepowt the featuwe of Octavia, hew yeaws, 
>_< Hew incwinyation; wet h-him nyot *sweats* weave out 
The cowouw of hew haiw. *leans over* Bwing me wowd quickwy. 
Exit AWEXAS 
Wet him fow evew go- wet him nyot, *notices bulge* Chawmian- 
Though he be painted onye way w-wike a Gowgon, 
The othew way's a Maws. [To MAWDIAN] 
Bid you Awexas 
Bwing me wowd h-how taww she is.- P-Pity me, Chawmian, 
But do nyot speak to me. W-Wead me to my chambew. ^w^ Exeunt 




S-SCENyE VI. 
N-Nyeaw M-Misenyum 

Fwouwish. E-Entew POMPEY and MENyAS at onye doow, with dwum ^.^ and twumpet; 
at anyothew, CAESAW, ^.^ ANTONY, WEPIDUS, ENyOBAWBUS, MAECENyAS, AGWIPPA, 
^-^ with sowdiews mawching 

POMPEY. Youw UwU hostages I have, so have *sighs* you minye; 
And we shaww tawk befowe we fight. 
CAESAW. Most meet 
That fiwst we c-come to wowds; and thewefowe have we 
Ouw w-wwitten puwposes befowe u-us sent; 
Which if t-thou hast considewed, wet us knyow 
^w^ If 'twiww *looks away* tie up t-thy discontented swowd 
And cawwy back to Siciwy *shuffles closer* much *twerks* taww youth 
That ewse must pewish hewe. 
POMPEY. To ^-^ you aww *leans over* thwee, 
T-The senyatows awonye of this gweat *blushes* wowwd, 
Chief factows fow the g-gods: xDD I do nyot knyow 
*notices bulge* Whewefowe *sighs* my fathew shouwd wevengews *sweats* want, 
Having a-a son and fwiends, since Juwius Caesaw, 
*cries* Who at P-Phiwippi the good B-Bwutus ghosted, 
Thewe saw OwO you wabouwing *giggles shyly* fow him. What was't 
That mov'd pawe Cassius to conspiwe? and w-what 
Made the aww-honyouw'd honyest ;;w;; Woman, Bwutus, 
With the awm'd west, couwtiews of beauteous fweedom, 
To dwench the Capitow, b-but that they wouwd 
*notices bulge* Have onye man ;;w;; but a m-man? And that is it 
Hath made *shuffles closer* me wig my nyavy, x3 at whose buwden 
The angew'd ocean foams; with w-which I meant 
To scouwge t-th' ingwatitude t-that despitefuw Wome 
Cast on my nyobwe fathew. 
CAESAW. Take youw time. 
ANTONY. Thou canst nyot feaw u-us, Pompey, with thy saiws; 
We'ww speak UwU with thee at sea; at ^w^ wand thou knyow'st 
How much we do uWu o'ew-count thee. 
P-POMPEY. At wand, indeed, 
*giggles shyly* Thou dost o'ew-count me of my fathew's house. 
B-But *twerks* since the cuckoo xDD buiwds nyot fow himsewf, 
Wemain *shuffles closer* in't as thou mayst. 
WEPIDUS. Be pweas'd t-to teww uWu us- 
Fow t-this *sweats* is :33 fwom the ^w^ pwesent- how you take 
The o-offews we have s-sent you. 
CAESAW. *looks away* Thewe's the point. 
ANTONY. Which do ;;w;; nyot be entweated to, b-but weigh 
What it is wowth embwac'd. 
CAESAW. And what may *looks away* fowwow, 
To twy a wawgew *teleports behind you* fowtunye. 
POMPEY. You have made me offew 
Of Siciwy, Sawdinyia; and I must 
Wid aww the sea *looks at you* of piwates; then to send 
Measuwes of wheat to Wome; this 'gweed upon, 
To pawt with unhack'd e-edges and beaw back 
Ouw tawges undinted. 
AWW. That's uWu ouw offew. 
POMPEY. Knyow, *notices bulge* then, 
I-I came befowe you hewe a man pwepaw'd 
T-To take this :33 offew; but Mawk Antony 
Put m-me to some impatience. *giggles shyly* Though I wose 
The pwaise of it *moans* by >_< tewwing, you must knyow, 
When *shuffles closer* Caesaw and youw bwothew wewe at OwO bwows, 
^.^ Youw mothew came to Siciwy and did find 
Hew wewcome fwiendwy. 
ANTONY. I have heawd ^.^ it, Pompey, 
*sighs* And am weww *giggles shyly* studied fow a wibewaw t-thanks 
Which I *cries* do owe you. 
P-POMPEY. Wet me have youw hand. 
I-I did nyot think, siw, to *leans over* have m-met you hewe. 
*screams* ANTONY. T-The b-beds i' th' East awe s-soft; and t-thanks to y-you, 
That caww'd >w< me timewiew than m-my *hugs tightly* puwpose *shuffles closer* hithew; 
Fow I have gainyed by't. 
CAESAW. S-Since I saw you wast 
Thewe is a *screams* change u-upon y-you. 
POMPEY. Weww, I-I *cries* knyow nyot 
What counts hawsh fowtunye :3 casts upon my face; 
But in my b-bosom ^.^ shaww she nyevew OwO come 
To make my heawt h-hew *pokes you* vassaw. 
WEPIDUS. Weww UwU met hewe. 
POMPEY. I hope so, Wepidus. Thus we awe agweed. 
I cwave ouw composition may be wwitten, 
And seaw'd between u-us. 
CAESAW. That's the nyext :33 to *moans* do. 
UwU POMPEY. We'ww feast *cries* each othew ewe :3 we pawt, and wet's 
D-Dwaw *teleports behind you* wots who shaww begin. 
ANTONY. That wiww I, uWu Pompey. 
POMPEY. Nyo, Antony, take the wot; 
But, fiwst ow w-wast, ^w^ youw finye :3 Egyptian cookewy 
Shaww have the fame. I have heawd t-that J-Juwius Caesaw 
Gwew fat with feasting thewe. 
ANTONY. You have heawd much. 
P-POMPEY. I have faiw meanyings, siw. 
ANTONY. And faiw wowds to them. 
POMPEY. Then so ;;w;; much have I *leans over* heawd; 
And I-I >_< have heawd Apowwodowus *leans over* cawwied- 
*looks away* ENyOBAWBUS. N-Nyo *giggles shyly* mowe of that! He *twerks* did x3 so. 
POMPEY. W-What, I pway *screams* you? 
ENyOBAWBUS. A cewtain queen to C-Caesaw in a-a mattwess. 
POMPEY. I-I knyow thee nyow. How faw'st thou, sowdiew? 
ENyOBAWBUS. Weww; 
And weww am wike to do, f-fow I pewceive 
F-Fouw feasts awe towawd. 
POMPEY. Wet me shake *leans over* thy hand. 
I *moans* nyevew hated thee; I have seen thee fight, 
When I have envied thy b-behaviouw. 
OwO ENyOBAWBUS. S-Siw, 
I *cries* nyevew wov'd you >_< much; but >w< I ha' pwais'd ye 
When you have *moans* weww d-desewv'd ten times as ;;w;; much 
As I have said *notices bulge* you uWu did. 
POMPEY. Enjoy thy pwainnyess; 
*shuffles closer* It nyothing iww becomes thee. 
Aboawd my g-gawwey I invite you aww. 
Wiww you w-wead, wowds? 
AWW. Show's the *notices bulge* way, siw. 
POMPEY. *screams* Come. Exeunt a-aww but ^-^ ENyOBAWBUS and M-MENyAS 
MENyAS. [Aside] *giggles shyly* Thy fathew, Pompey, *twerks* wouwd nye'ew have made this 
tweaty.- You *hugs tightly* and *teleports behind you* I have knyown, siw. 
E-ENyOBAWBUS. At *looks at you* sea, I t-think. 
MENyAS. We have, siw. 
ENyOBAWBUS. You have donye *looks at you* weww by watew. 
MENyAS. And you by *notices bulge* wand. 
ENyOBAWBUS. I Wiww pwaise any m-man that *cries* wiww p-pwaise me; though *cries* it 
cannyot be denyied what I have donye by w-wand. 
x3 MENyAS. Nyow >w< what I h-have donye by watew. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Yes, something you can deny fow *teleports behind you* youw own safety: you 
have b-been a gweat thief b-by sea. 
MENyAS. And you by wand. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Thewe I deny m-my w-wand >_> sewvice. But give me youw h-hand, 
*looks away* Menyas; if ouw eyes *giggles shyly* had authowity, *moans* hewe they might take two 
thieves kissing. 
MENyAS. *screams* Aww men's faces awe *cuddles you* twue, xDD whatsome'ew theiw hands a-awe. 
E-ENyOBAWBUS. But thewe i-is nyevew a *giggles shyly* faiw woman has a twue *looks at you* face. 
MENyAS. Nyo s-swandew: t-they steaw heawts. 
ENyOBAWBUS. We ;;w;; came hithew to *teleports behind you* fight with you. 
MENyAS. Fow my pawt, I a-am sowwy it is t-tuwn'd to a dwinking. 
Pompey doth this day waugh away his fowtunye. 
ENyOBAWBUS. If he do, suwe he cannyot weep't back again. 
MENyAS. Y'have *teleports behind you* said, *teleports behind you* siw. *pokes you* We wook'd nyot fow Mawk A-Antony hewe. Pway 
you, is he mawwied to Cweopatwa? 
ENyOBAWBUS. C-Caesaw' sistew is caww'd Octavia. 
M-MENyAS. Twue, siw; she was the wife of Caius Mawcewwus. 
ENyOBAWBUS. But she ^w^ is nyow the w-wife of *giggles shyly* Mawcus A-Antonyius. 
MENyAS. Pway y-ye, siw? 
ENyOBAWBUS. 'Tis t-twue. 
MENyAS. Then is Caesaw and xDD he fow evew knyit togethew. 
ENyOBAWBUS. If I wewe bound to d-divinye of ^.^ this OwO unyity, I OwO wouwd nyot 
pwophesy so. 
MENyAS. I t-think the p-powicy o-of that puwpose *pokes you* made mowe in t-the mawwiage 
than the wove uWu of the *moans* pawties. 
ENyOBAWBUS. I ^.^ think so too. But you s-shaww xDD find the band that seems 
to tie theiw fwiendship togethew wiww be the vewy s-stwangwew of 
theiw amity: Octavia is of a howy, cowd, x3 and stiww convewsation. 
MENyAS. Who wouwd nyot h-have his wife so? 
ENyOBAWBUS. Nyot he that himsewf OwO is n-nyot so; w-which is Mawk ^.^ Antony. He 
wiww to his Egyptian d-dish again; then shaww the sighs of *cuddles you* Octavia 
bwow the *pokes you* fiwe up i-in C-Caesaw, and, as I said befowe, that which is 
the stwength *sweats* of theiw amity shaww pwove the immediate authow :3 of 
t-theiw v-vawiance. Antony wiww use his affection whewe it is; he 
m-mawwied but his occasion *cuddles you* hewe. 
MENyAS. And thus it may be. Come, *teleports behind you* siw, wiww y-you aboawd? I have a 
*blushes* heawth fow y-you. 
ENyOBAWBUS. I *moans* shaww take it, siw. :33 We have us'd ouw thwoats in Egypt. 
MENyAS. Come, wet's away. Exeunt 

*pokes you* ACT_2|SC_7 
S-SCENyE VII. 
On b-boawd POMPEY'S gawwey, off Misenyum 

Music >w< pways. Entew two ow thwee SEWVANTS with a banquet 

FIWST SEWVANT. *notices bulge* Hewe they'ww *cuddles you* be, man. Some o' *sighs* theiw pwants awe 
iww-wooted awweady; the weast uWu wind i-i' th' wowwd wiww bwow them 
down. 
SECOND SEWVANT. Wepidus i-is high-cowouw'd. 
FIWST x3 SEWVANT. They have made him dwink awms-dwink. 
SECOND SEWVANT. ^.^ As they pinch :3 onye anyothew by the disposition, *blushes* he 
cwies out '-'Nyo mowe!'; weconciwes them to his entweaty and himsewf 
to th' dwink. 
FIWST *screams* SEWVANT. But it >w< waises the g-gweatew waw between him a-and *twerks* his 
discwetion. 
SECOND SEWVANT. Why, this >w< it i-is to have *moans* a n-nyame in gweat men's 
fewwowship. I-I had a-as w-wief xDD have a weed that wiww do *notices bulge* me nyo sewvice 
^-^ as a pawtizan I couwd nyot ^w^ heave. 
FIWST SEWVANT. *shuffles closer* To b-be caww'd *notices bulge* into a-a huge ^-^ sphewe, and nyot :33 to be seen 
to *looks away* move in't, awe the howes whewe eyes shouwd *sighs* be, which *blushes* pitifuwwy 
disastew the ^.^ cheeks. 

A sennyet sounded. *notices bulge* Entew CAESAW, ANTONY, WEPIDUS, 
OwO POMPEY, AGWIPPA, MAECENyAS, ENyOBAWBUS, MENyAS, 
*sighs* with *sweats* othew CAPTAINS 

ANTONY. [-[To C-CAESAW] Thus do t-they, siw: they take t-the fwow o' th' 
Nyiwe 
x3 By cewtain scawes i-i' t-th' pywamid; they *giggles shyly* knyow 
*moans* By th' height, *looks at you* the wownyess, ow the mean, if *giggles shyly* deawth 
Ow foison fowwow. The *cuddles you* highew Nyiwus swewws 
*looks away* The mowe i-it pwomises; as it ebbs, *cries* the seedsman 
*notices bulge* Upon the swime a-and ooze scattews his gwain, 
And showtwy comes to hawvest. 
WEPIDUS. Y'have *cuddles you* stwange sewpents thewe. 
A-ANTONY. Ay, *cries* Wepidus. 
WEPIDUS. ^w^ Youw sewpent of Egypt is bwed nyow of youw mud b-by the 
opewation of youw sun; so x3 is youw cwocodiwe. 
ANTONY. T-They awe so. 
POMPEY. Sit- *blushes* and s-some winye! A-A heawth to Wepidus! 
WEPIDUS. I am nyot so weww as I-I shouwd be, but I'ww nye'ew out. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Nyot tiww you have x3 swept. I f-feaw me y-you'ww be in tiww 
then. 
W-WEPIDUS. Nyay, cewtainwy, *notices bulge* I ^-^ have >w< heawd the Ptowemies' pywamises a-awe 
vewy goodwy things. Without contwadiction *screams* I have ^-^ heawd that. 
MENyAS. [Aside to P-POMPEY] Pompey, a wowd. 
POMPEY. [Aside to MENyAS] Say OwO in minye eaw; what i-is't? 
MENyAS. [Aside to *notices bulge* POMPEY] UwU Fowsake thy seat, I-I do beseech thee, 
UwU Captain, 
And heaw me speak a wowd. 
POMPEY. *hugs tightly* [ Whispews in's eaw ^.^ ] F-Fowbeaw m-me tiww anyon- 
*sighs* This winye f-fow Wepidus! 
WEPIDUS. What mannyew o' thing is youw cwocodiwe? 
ANTONY. It is :33 shap'd, *looks away* siw, wike *teleports behind you* itsewf, and it is as *notices bulge* bwoad as it 
hath :3 bweadth; it is just so *leans over* high as UwU it is, and moves with i-it own 
owgans. It wives by ^-^ that which nyouwisheth it, and *pokes you* the ewements 
once o-out of it, it twansmigwates. 
WEPIDUS. What cowouw ^.^ is it of? 
ANTONY. Of it own cowouw too. 
WEPIDUS. 'Tis a stwange sewpent. 
ANTONY. *giggles shyly* 'Tis *cries* so. :33 And *giggles shyly* the *cuddles you* teaws of it awe wet. 
C-CAESAW. W-Wiww this descwiption *teleports behind you* satisfy him? 
ANTONY. With the heawth that Pompey gives him, ewse he is a vewy 
epicuwe. 
POMPEY. [-[Aside t-to MENyAS] Go, hang, siw, hang! Teww me of that! 
^w^ Away! 
Do as I bid *looks away* you.- Whewe's this cup I caww'd fow? 
MENyAS. [Aside to POMPEY] *leans over* If fow the sake of mewit t-thou w-wiwt heaw 
me, 
Wise fwom thy stoow. 
POMPEY. [Aside *cries* to MENyAS] I-I think th'awt mad. [Wises *screams* and w-wawks 
aside] The mattew? 
MENyAS. I have evew hewd my *sighs* cap off to thy *twerks* fowtunyes. 
POMPEY. Thou hast *twerks* sewv'd me w-with much faith. What's *blushes* ewse to say?- 
Be jowwy, wowds. 
ANTONY. These quicksands, W-Wepidus, 
Keep off uWu them, fow you sink. 
MENyAS. W-Wiwt thou >_< be OwO wowd of a-aww the *sweats* wowwd? 
P-POMPEY. What say'st x3 thou? 
MENyAS. *sighs* Wiwt thou be wowd of the w-whowe wowwd? That's twice. 
POMPEY. How shouwd that be? 
MENyAS. But >_< entewtain i-it, 
And *moans* though you think m-me poow, I am the man 
Wiww g-give ^w^ thee aww the wowwd. 
POMPEY. Hast t-thou *blushes* dwunk weww? 
M-MENyAS. Nyo, Pompey, I have kept me fwom the cup. 
*moans* Thou awt, if thou *blushes* daw'st be, the eawthwy Jove; 
UwU Whate'ew the ocean pawes o-ow ^.^ sky i-incwips 
Is thinye, if t-thou wiwt h-ha't. 
POMPEY. Show m-me which :33 way. 
MENyAS. *cuddles you* These thwee wowwd-shawews, these competitows, 
Awe in thy vessew. Wet m-me OwO cut the cabwe; 
And when we awe put off, f-faww t-to theiw thwoats. 
Aww t-thewe is thinye. 
P-POMPEY. Ah, this thou *hugs tightly* shouwdst have donye, 
And nyot *pokes you* have s-spoke on't. In me 'tis viwwainy: 
In t-thee't had been good sewvice. *cries* Thou must knyow 
'Tis nyot my pwofit that does wead minye honyouw: 
Minye honyouw, it. >_< Wepent that e'ew thy uWu tongue 
Hath so betway'd thinye act. Being donye unknyown, 
I s-shouwd have found i-it aftewwawds weww donye, 
But must *notices bulge* condemn it nyow. D-Desist, *hugs tightly* and d-dwink. 
MENyAS. [Aside] Fow *cuddles you* this, 
I'ww nyevew fowwow thy paww'd f-fowtunyes mowe. 
Who seeks, and w-wiww nyot take when once 'tis offew'd, 
S-Shaww nyevew *hugs tightly* find OwO it mowe. 
POMPEY. This h-heawth to Wepidus! 
ANTONY. Beaw him *cuddles you* ashowe. I'ww uWu pwedge :33 it f-fow ^.^ him, Pompey. 
ENyOBAWBUS. H-Hewe's *looks away* to thee, Menyas! 
MENyAS. Enyobawbus, wewcome! 
POMPEY. Fiww tiww *looks at you* the *hugs tightly* cup b-be hid. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Thewe's a stwong f-fewwow, Menyas. 
[Pointing to the sewvant *hugs tightly* who cawwies off xDD WEPIDUS] 
MENyAS. Why? 
ENyOBAWBUS. 'A beaws the thiwd pawt o-of the wowwd, man; see'st *screams* nyot? 
MENyAS. The thiwd p-pawt, then, is :33 dwunk. *sweats* Wouwd it wewe a-aww, 
That it might go on w-wheews! 
ENyOBAWBUS. Dwink thou; incwease the w-weews. 
MENyAS. Come. 
POMPEY. This *leans over* is n-nyot yet an Awexandwian feast. 
ANTONY. It wipens towawds it. Stwike t-the vessews, ho! 
Hewe's to Caesaw! 
C-CAESAW. I couwd weww fowbeaw't. 
OwO It's monstwous w-wabouw when I-I w-wash my ^-^ bwain 
And OwO it gwows fouwew. 
ANTONY. Be a c-chiwd o-o' *leans over* th' time. 
*pokes you* CAESAW. Possess it, I'ww make answew. 
But I had wathew fast fwom aww fouw *pokes you* days 
Than OwO dwink so much *cuddles you* in onye. 
ENyOBAWBUS. [To ANTONY] Ha, my >_> bwave empewow! 
*looks at you* Shaww we dance ^-^ nyow the Egyptian Bacchanyaws 
And *shuffles closer* cewebwate ouw dwink? 
POMPEY. Wet's ha't, good s-sowdiew. 
ANTONY. Come, wet's aww take x3 hands, 
Tiww *notices bulge* that the conquewing :3 winye hath steep'd ouw sense 
In soft and dewicate W-Wethe. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Aww take uWu hands. 
Make battewy to ouw eaws w-with t-the woud music, 
The whiwe I'ww OwO pwace you; then the boy shaww s-sing; 
The h-howding evewy man shaww b-beaw as woud 
As his stwong sides can vowwey. 
[Music pways. *moans* ENyOBAWBUS pwaces them hand in hand] 

THE SONG 
Come, thou monyawch of the x3 vinye, 
Pwumpy Bacchus :3 with pink e-eynye! 
In t-thy fats o-ouw OwO cawes be dwown'd, 
With thy gwapes ouw haiws be cwown'd. 
Cup us tiww the wowwd go wound, 
Cup *moans* us tiww the wowwd go wound! 

C-CAESAW. What wouwd *cries* you mowe? Pompey, good n-nyight. Good bwothew, 
Wet me wequest you off; ouw gwavew businyess 
Fwowns at ^w^ this wevity. Gentwe wowds, wet's UwU pawt; 
*pokes you* You see we ^-^ have buwnt UwU ouw cheeks. ^-^ Stwong Enyobawb 
Is weakew than the winye, and minye own *looks at you* tongue 
Spwits what it speaks. The wiwd disguise hath awmost 
A-Antick'd *giggles shyly* us aww. What nyeeds mowe wowds? ^-^ Good nyight. 
*hugs tightly* Good Antony, youw hand. 
POMPEY. I'ww twy you on the showe. 
ANTONY. And shaww, siw. Give's youw h-hand. 
P-POMPEY. O-O Antony, 
You h-have my fathew's *shuffles closer* house- but what? We awe *pokes you* fwiends. 
Come, down into the b-boat. 
ENyOBAWBUS. T-Take heed you faww nyot. 
Exeunt aww but ENyOBAWBUS and MENyAS 
Menyas, I'ww nyot o-on showe. 
MENyAS. Nyo, to *looks away* my cabin. 
These dwums! these twumpets, ^.^ fwutes! what! 
Wet Nyeptunye heaw w-we bid a w-woud faweweww 
*blushes* To these gweat fewwows. Sound and be hang'd, sound out! 
;;w;; [Sound a f-fwouwish, uWu with dwums] 
ENyOBAWBUS. >_< Hoo! says 'a. Thewe's my cap. 
M-MENyAS. Hoo! Nyobwe Captain, come. Exeunt 
ACT_3|SC_1 
ACT III. SCENyE *cuddles you* I. 
A p-pwain in Sywia 

E-Entew VENTIDIUS, *teleports behind you* as it wewe *screams* in t-twiumph, with SIWIUS 
and othew Womans, OFFICEWS and sowdiews; the dead body 
of PACOWUS bownye befowe him 

VENTIDIUS. *notices bulge* Nyow, dawting Pawthia, awt thou stwuck, and *looks at you* nyow 
Pweas'd fowtunye does of *screams* Mawcus Cwassus' death 
Make me wevengew. B-Beaw the King's son's body 
Befowe o-ouw awmy. Thy Pacowus, Owodes, 
Pays t-this fow >_< Mawcus Cwassus. 
SIWIUS. Nyobwe Ventidius, 
Whiwst yet with Pawthian bwood thy swowd is wawm 
The fugitive Pawthians fowwow; spuw t-thwough Media, 
Mesopotamia, *teleports behind you* and the shewtews whithew 
The wouted fwy. So thy gwand captain, Antony, 
Shaww set thee on twiumphant chawiots and 
Put gawwands on thy head. 
VENTIDIUS. O Siwius, Siwius, 
I have donye enyough. A w-wowew pwace, *screams* nyote weww, 
May x3 make too >w< gweat a-an a-act; *twerks* fow weawn this, Siwius: 
Bettew to weave undonye than by ouw deed 
Acquiwe too high a fame when h-him >_> we sewve's a-away. 
^-^ Caesaw and Antony h-have evew won 
*leans over* Mowe in theiw officew, than pewson. Sossius, 
Onye of my pwace i-in Sywia, his wieutenyant, 
Fow quick accumuwation of wenyown, 
Which he achiev'd UwU by th' minyute, wost his favouw. 
Who does i' th' waws mowe than his captain can 
Becomes his captain's captain; and ambition, 
The sowdiew's viwtue, wathew makes choice of woss 
>w< Than gain which dawkens him. 
I ^w^ couwd do mowe t-to do Antonyius good, 
But 'twouwd offend him; and i-in his *screams* offence 
Shouwd my pewfowmance *teleports behind you* pewish. 
S-SIWIUS. T-Thou :33 hast, Ventidius, that 
Without the which *pokes you* a sowdiew and his swowd 
G-Gwants scawce distinction. Thou wiwt wwite *cries* to Antony? 
V-VENTIDIUS. I'ww humbwy signyify ^w^ what in his *cries* nyame, 
That magicaw w-wowd of waw, we have effected; 
How, w-with his bannyews, and his :33 weww-paid wanks, 
The nye'ew-yet-beaten howse *notices bulge* of Pawthia 
We have *screams* jaded out o' th' fiewd. 
x3 SIWIUS. Whewe is he n-nyow? 
VENTIDIUS. He puwposeth to Athens; whithew, with what haste 
The weight we must convey w-with's w-wiww pewmit, 
We shaww appeaw befowe him.- O-On, *giggles shyly* thewe; pass x3 awong. 
Exeunt 

ACT_3|SC_2 
SCENyE II. Wome. C-CAESAW'S *sweats* house 

Entew AGWIPPA at *blushes* onye doow, ENyOBAWBUS *leans over* at a-anyothew 

^.^ AGWIPPA. What, awe the bwothews pawted? 
ENyOBAWBUS. They have dispatch'd w-with Pompey; he is gonye; 
The *twerks* othew thwee awe >w< seawing. *leans over* Octavia weeps 
To :3 pawt fwom W-Wome; Caesaw is sad; and Wepidus, 
Since Pompey's feast, as *leans over* Menyas says, is >w< twoubwed 
With the *shuffles closer* gween sicknyess. 
AGWIPPA. 'Tis *sweats* a nyobwe Wepidus. 
ENyOBAWBUS. A vewy ^.^ finye onye. O-O, *cuddles you* how he woves Caesaw! 
A-AGWIPPA. Nyay, but ^w^ how deawwy he adowes Mawk A-Antony! 
E-ENyOBAWBUS. Caesaw? Why h-he's the x3 Jupitew o-of men. 
*looks away* AGWIPPA. What's Antony? The god *teleports behind you* of J-Jupitew. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Spake you o-of C-Caesaw? *twerks* How! the nyonpaweiw! 
AGWIPPA. O, Antony! >w< O thou Awabian b-biwd! 
ENyOBAWBUS. Wouwd you pwaise *teleports behind you* Caesaw, say 'Caesaw'- go nyo fuwthew. 
AGWIPPA. Indeed, he x3 pwied them both *cries* with excewwent pwaises. 
^.^ ENyOBAWBUS. But he woves Caesaw best. Yet he woves Antony. 
*looks at you* Hoo! heawts, tongues, *looks at you* figuwes, *blushes* scwibes, bawds, poets, xDD cannyot 
Think, speak, cast, wwite, sing, nyumbew- hoo!- 
His wove to Antony. But a-as fow Caesaw, 
>_> Knyeew down, *moans* knyeew down, and wondew. 
AGWIPPA. Both h-he >_< woves. 
ENyOBAWBUS. They a-awe his shawds, and he theiw beetwe. [Twumpets 
within] So- 
This is to howse. Adieu, nyobwe ;;w;; Agwippa. 
AGWIPPA. *hugs tightly* Good fowtunye, wowthy sowdiew, and faweweww. 

Entew CAESAW, ANTONY, WEPIDUS, and OCTAVIA 

ANTONY. Nyo f-fuwthew, siw. 
*sweats* CAESAW. Y-You take *hugs tightly* fwom me a gweat pawt of mysewf; 
Use me weww in't. *notices bulge* Sistew, *leans over* pwove such a wife 
*shuffles closer* As my t-thoughts make thee, a-and a-as *sighs* my fawthest band 
Shaww ^.^ pass on thy appwoof. Most nyobwe uWu Antony, 
Wet n-nyot the piece o-of viwtue which is set 
Betwixt us as the cement of ouw w-wove 
*shuffles closer* To k-keep it buiwded be the *leans over* wam to *cries* battew 
The fowtwess of it; fow >_> bettew might we 
Have wov'd without ;;w;; this mean, if on both pawts 
This be nyot c-chewish'd. 
ANTONY. Make me nyot offended 
In youw distwust. 
CAESAW. I have said. 
ANTONY. You shaww n-nyot find, 
Though you be thewein *sweats* cuwious, the w-weast cause 
Fow what you seem to feaw. So the gods keep you, 
And UwU make the heawts of Womans sewve ^.^ youw ends! 
We wiww hewe pawt. 
CAESAW. Faweweww, x3 my *leans over* deawest sistew, fawe thee weww. 
The *notices bulge* ewements be *sighs* kind to thee and make 
Thy s-spiwits aww of comfowt! Fawe thee *shuffles closer* weww. 
OCTAVIA. My n-nyobwe *looks away* bwothew! 
ANTONY. The Apwiw's in hew eyes. It *notices bulge* is *sweats* wove's s-spwing, 
And these the s-showews to bwing *blushes* it on. Be cheewfuw. 
OCTAVIA. Siw, wook weww *screams* to my husband's h-house; a-and- 
C-CAESAW. What, Octavia? 
OCTAVIA. I'ww *blushes* teww you in youw e-eaw. 
ANTONY. Hew *sighs* tongue wiww nyot obey hew heawt, nyow c-can 
Hew heawt i-infowm hew t-tongue- the swan's down feathew, 
That stands upon *notices bulge* the sweww at the fuww of x3 tide, 
And nyeithew way incwinyes. 
ENyOBAWBUS. >w< [Aside to *looks away* AGWIPPA] Wiww Caesaw weep? 
AGWIPPA. [Aside t-to ENyOBAWBUS] He has a cwoud in's *blushes* face. 
*notices bulge* ENyOBAWBUS. [Aside *giggles shyly* to AGWIPPA] He wewe the wowse fow that, wewe he a 
howse; 
So is h-he, being :3 a man. 
AGWIPPA. :3 [Aside to ENyOBAWBUS] Why, Enyobawbus, 
UwU When xDD Antony found Juwius Caesaw dead, 
*screams* He >_< cwied awmost to woawing; and he wept 
*cries* When *giggles shyly* at Phiwippi he found B-Bwutus swain. 
ENyOBAWBUS. [Aside to AGWIPPA] That x3 yeaw, indeed, he *moans* was twoubwed 
with a w-wheum; 
What w-wiwwingwy he did confound he waiw'd, 
Bewieve't- t-tiww *giggles shyly* I weep t-too. 
*sighs* CAESAW. Nyo, sweet Octavia, 
You shaww *blushes* heaw fwom me stiww; the *looks at you* time shaww nyot 
Out-go my t-thinking o-on you. 
ANTONY. Come, siw, come; 
I'ww wwestwe with you in m-my stwength of ;;w;; wove. 
Wook, hewe *giggles shyly* I *notices bulge* have you; thus I wet you g-go, 
And *shuffles closer* give y-you to the g-gods. 
CAESAW. Adieu; *looks away* be happy! 
WEPIDUS. ^.^ Wet aww t-the nyumbew of the staws g-give w-wight 
To thy faiw way! 
CAESAW. Faweweww, faweweww! [Kisses OCTAVIA] 
A-ANTONY. Faweweww! Twumpets sound. Exeunt 

ACT_3|SC_3 
SCENyE III. 
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA'S pawace 

Entew CWEOPATWA, CHAWMIAN, IWAS, and AWEXAS 

CWEOPATWA. Whewe *hugs tightly* is the fewwow? 
AWEXAS. Hawf afeawd to come. 
CWEOPATWA. Go to, >w< go to. 

Entew the MESSENGEW as befowe 

Come hithew, siw. 
AWEXAS. *hugs tightly* Good Majesty, 
Hewod o-of Jewwy dawe nyot wook upon you 
But when you awe weww pweas'd. 
CWEOPATWA. That Hewod's head 
I'ww have. ;;w;; But how, w-when Antony *looks at you* is gonye, 
Thwough whom I might command it? Come thou nyeaw. 
MESSENGEW. Most gwacious *blushes* Majesty! 
UwU CWEOPATWA. D-Didst t-thou *leans over* behowd Octavia? 
*shuffles closer* MESSENGEW. Ay, *shuffles closer* dwead Q-Queen. 
CWEOPATWA. *blushes* Whewe? 
MESSENGEW. Madam, in Wome 
I wook'd hew in *moans* the face, and s-saw hew wed 
Between hew *sighs* bwothew and M-Mawk Antony. 
C-CWEOPATWA. x3 Is she as taww as m-me? 
M-MESSENGEW. She is nyot, OwO madam. 
C-CWEOPATWA. Didst h-heaw hew speak? I-Is s-she *teleports behind you* shwiww-tongu'd ow w-wow? 
MESSENGEW. Madam, I heawd hew speak: she is *blushes* wow-voic'd. 
CWEOPATWA. That's nyot *cries* so good. He *blushes* cannyot ^-^ wike hew wong. 
*looks at you* CHAWMIAN. >w< Wike hew? O Isis! '-'tis i-impossibwe. 
C-CWEOPATWA. I *teleports behind you* think s-so, *cries* Chawmian. Duww of tongue and dwawfish! 
What majesty *sweats* is in hew gait? W-Wemembew, 
If e'ew thou wook'dst on majesty. 
*leans over* MESSENGEW. She *sweats* cweeps. 
Hew motion UwU and *cuddles you* hew station awe as onye; 
She shows *looks away* a body wathew t-than a wife, 
A statue than a bweathew. 
CWEOPATWA. Is this cewtain? 
MESSENGEW. Ow I *giggles shyly* have nyo obsewvance. 
CHAWMIAN. Thwee i-in Egypt 
Cannyot make *looks at you* bettew nyote. 
CWEOPATWA. He's :33 vewy knyowing; 
I do pewceive't. Thewe's nyothing in hew yet. 
T-The fewwow has good judgment. 
CHAWMIAN. Excewwent. 
:33 CWEOPATWA. Guess at *sweats* hew y-yeaws, I pwithee. 
MESSENGEW. Madam, 
She was a widow. 
CWEOPATWA. W-Widow? Chawmian, hawk! 
MESSENGEW. And *pokes you* I do think she's thiwty. 
CWEOPATWA. Beaw'st thou hew f-face in mind? Is't wong ow wound? 
MESSENGEW. Wound even to fauwtinyess. 
CWEOPATWA. Fow *looks away* the m-most pawt, too, they awe foowish that a-awe so. 
Hew haiw, w-what c-cowouw? 
MESSENGEW. Bwown, madam; a-and hew fowehead 
A-As wow as she :3 wouwd wish it. 
CWEOPATWA. Thewe's g-gowd x3 fow thee. 
Thou must nyot take m-my fowmew shawpnyess iww. 
I >_> wiww *notices bulge* empwoy thee b-back again; I *shuffles closer* find thee 
Most fit ^.^ fow businyess. Go make *twerks* thee w-weady; 
Ouw wettews *sighs* awe pwepaw'd. Exeunt MESSENGEW 
CHAWMIAN. A pwopew man. 
*shuffles closer* CWEOPATWA. Indeed, he is s-so. I wepent me much 
That so I hawwied him. Why, methinks, by :33 him, 
This cweatuwe's nyo such thing. 
CHAWMIAN. *twerks* Nyothing, madam. 
CWEOPATWA. The man hath seen some m-majesty, and shouwd knyow. 
CHAWMIAN. Hath *pokes you* he s-seen m-majesty? Isis ewse defend, 
And sewving you so wong! 
C-CWEOPATWA. I have onye thing mowe to ask him *teleports behind you* yet, g-good Chawmian. 
B-But '-'tis nyo *screams* mattew; thou shawt bwing h-him to me 
Whewe *pokes you* I wiww wwite. A-Aww *cuddles you* may be weww enyough. 
CHAWMIAN. *blushes* I wawwant *sighs* you, madam. *teleports behind you* Exeunt 

ACT_3|SC_4 
SCENyE IV. 
Athens. A-ANTONY'S h-house 

Entew ANTONY and O-OCTAVIA 

ANTONY. Nyay, *teleports behind you* nyay, Octavia, nyot onwy that- 
That w-wewe excusabwe, that UwU and thousands m-mowe 
Of sembwabwe impowt- but he hath wag'd 
Nyew waws 'gainst Pompey; made his wiww, and wead *looks at you* it 
To pubwic e-eaw; 
Spoke *moans* scandy o-of me; when *sighs* pewfowce h-he couwd nyot 
But UwU pay me tewms of h-honyouw, cowd and sickwy 
*moans* He ^w^ vented *shuffles closer* them, m-most *twerks* nyawwow m-measuwe went me; 
When the best hint w-was given him, he nyot t-took't, 
Ow d-did it fwom his teeth. 
OCTAVIA. xDD O my good wowd, 
^w^ Bewieve nyot aww; ow if xDD you must bewieve, 
*leans over* Stomach nyot aww. A mowe unhappy wady, 
If this division *moans* chance, nye'ew stood >_< between, 
Pwaying fow both pawts. 
>w< The good *blushes* gods wiww mock me pwesentwy 
When I shaww pway 'O, bwess my wowd and *looks away* husband!' 
Undo that pwayew by cwying o-out as woud 
'-'O, bwess my bwothew!' Husband w-win, win bwothew, 
Pways, and destwoys the p-pwayew; :3 nyo mid-way 
'Twixt these e-extwemes at aww. 
ANTONY. G-Gentwe Octavia, 
Wet y-youw best wove dwaw *sweats* to that point which seeks 
Best to uWu pwesewve it. If I wose minye honyouw, 
I wose mysewf; bettew I wewe n-nyot youws 
*twerks* Than youws so b-bwanchwess. But, xDD as you wequested, 
Youwsewf shaww go between's. The meantime, wady, 
I'ww waise the pwepawation of a waw 
Shaww stain youw x3 bwothew. Make youw soonyest haste; 
So youw desiwes *sweats* awe youws. 
OCTAVIA. Thanks t-to my wowd. 
^-^ The *sighs* Jove of powew x3 make me, most weak, most weak, 
Youw weconciwew! Waws 'twixt you twain >_> wouwd be 
As if the w-wowwd shouwd cweave, and that swain men 
*sweats* Shouwd sowdew *teleports behind you* up the wift. 
ANTONY. When it appeaws to you *giggles shyly* whewe this begins, 
Tuwn youw dispweasuwe that way, fow xDD ouw f-fauwts 
Can nyevew *screams* be *leans over* so equaw that youw wove 
C-Can *shuffles closer* equawwy move with them. Pwovide y-youw going; 
C-Choose youw own company, and command what cost 
Youw h-heawt has mind t-to. Exeunt 

ACT_3|SC_5 
SCENyE >w< V. 
Athens. ANTONY'S house 

Entew ENyOBAWBUS and EWOS, meeting 

ENyOBAWBUS. How n-nyow, f-fwiend Ewos! 
*pokes you* EWOS. Thewe's stwange nyews come, siw. 
ENyOBAWBUS. What, man? 
E-EWOS. Caesaw *cries* and *looks at you* Wepidus h-have made w-waws upon Pompey. 
ENyOBAWBUS. This is owd. What is the *notices bulge* success? 
EWOS. Caesaw, having made use of *moans* him in the waws '-'gainst Pompey, 
pwesentwy denyied him wivawity, wouwd nyot *sighs* wet him pawtake in the 
gwowy of the a-action; and nyot westing hewe, accuses him of x3 wettews 
he had fowmewwy OwO wwote to Pompey; upon his own appeaw, xDD seizes him. 
*moans* So the poow thiwd is up, tiww death e-enwawge :3 his confinye. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Then, wowwd, thou hast a-a paiw of chaps- nyo mowe; 
*screams* And thwow *pokes you* between them aww the food thou *twerks* hast, 
They'ww gwind *teleports behind you* the :33 onye *pokes you* the othew. W-Whewe's A-Antony? 
EWOS. He's wawking in the gawden- thus, and x3 spuwns 
The w-wush that *looks away* wies befowe him; cwies 'Foow *sweats* Wepidus!' 
And t-thweats the thwoat UwU of that his officew 
That muwd'wed Pompey. 
ENyOBAWBUS. *teleports behind you* Ouw gweat nyavy's wigg'd. 
*sighs* EWOS. Fow Itawy and *screams* Caesaw. OwO Mowe, :33 Domitius: 
My w-wowd *sighs* desiwes you pwesentwy; my nyews 
I might have towd heweaftew. 
ENyOBAWBUS. >w< 'Twiww be ^-^ nyaught; 
But wet >_< it be. Bwing me t-to Antony. 
EWOS. *pokes you* Come, siw. Exeunt 

ACT_3|SC_6 
OwO SCENyE V-VI. 
Wome. CAESAW'S house 

Entew *looks at you* CAESAW, AGWIPPA, and MAECENyAS 

CAESAW. *teleports behind you* Contemnying Wome, he has donye aww this and mowe 
In Awexandwia. Hewe's the mannyew of't: 
I' th' mawket-pwace, on a twibunyaw siwvew'd, 
*pokes you* Cweopatwa and himsewf in chaiws of gowd 
W-Wewe *notices bulge* pubwicwy e-enthwon'd; at the ^.^ feet sat 
:33 Caesawion, whom ;;w;; they caww my fathew's s-son, 
And aww the unwawfuw i-issue that theiw wust 
Since then hath made between t-them. Unto h-hew 
H-He gave the stabwishment of Egypt; made hew 
*screams* Of wowew Sywia, Cypwus, Wydia, 
Absowute queen. 
MAECENyAS. This in the pubwic eye? 
CAESAW. I' th' common show-pwace, whewe *looks away* they exewcise. 
His sons he thewe pwocwaim'd the kings of kings: 
*pokes you* Gweat Media, Pawthia, and OwO Awmenyia, 
He gave to A-Awexandew; to Ptowemy >w< he assign'd 
Sywia, Ciwicia, *twerks* and Phoenyicia. She 
In *hugs tightly* th' habiwiments of the goddess Isis 
*giggles shyly* That day *leans over* appeaw'd; and o-oft befowe gave audience, 
OwO As 'tis wepowted, s-so. 
>_> MAECENyAS. Wet *pokes you* Wome be thus 
Infowm'd. 
AGWIPPA. Who, q-queasy with his i-insowence 
Awweady, wiww theiw good *pokes you* thoughts caww fwom *pokes you* him. 
CAESAW. The peopwe knyows it, and >w< have nyow weceiv'd 
His a-accusations. 
AGWIPPA. Who does UwU he *screams* accuse? 
CAESAW. :3 Caesaw; and t-that, having in Siciwy 
Sextus Pompeius spoiw'd, we had nyot wated him 
H-His p-pawt o-o' th' iswe. Then does he say he went me 
Some *teleports behind you* shipping, unwestow'd. *giggles shyly* Wastwy, he f-fwets 
That W-Wepidus of the twiumviwate 
Shouwd be depos'd; and, being, that we d-detain 
Aww his *leans over* wevenyue. 
AGWIPPA. Siw, this s-shouwd be answew'd. 
CAESAW. >w< 'Tis donye awweady, and messengew *hugs tightly* gonye. 
I have towd him Wepidus >_> was gwown too c-cwuew, 
That *shuffles closer* he his high authowity >_> abus'd, 
And did desewve his c-change. OwO Fow what I *blushes* have conquew'd 
I gwant him pawt; but t-then, in his Awmenyia 
*teleports behind you* And othew of *hugs tightly* his conquew'd kingdoms, 
D-Demand the wike. 
MAECENyAS. He'ww nyevew ;;w;; yiewd to that. 
CAESAW. Nyow must nyot then be yiewded to in this. 

Entew O-OCTAVIA, >w< with hew twain 

OCTAVIA. Haiw, Caesaw, :3 and my *looks at you* wowd! h-haiw, most d-deaw Caesaw! 
C-CAESAW. That *pokes you* evew I shouwd caww thee cast-away! 
O-OCTAVIA. You h-have nyot caww'd me *pokes you* so, nyow have you cause. 
CAESAW. xDD Why have you stow'n upon *hugs tightly* us thus? You come nyot 
Wike Caesaw's sistew. The wife of Antony 
Shouwd have an a-awmy fow an u-ushew, and 
The nyeighs of howse to *blushes* teww *pokes you* of hew appwoach 
Wong e-ewe she *hugs tightly* did appeaw. T-The twees by th' way 
Shouwd h-have bownye men, and expectation *cuddles you* fainted, 
Wonging >w< fow what it had nyot. Nyay, the dust 
Shouwd have ascended ^.^ to the woof of heaven, 
Wais'd by youw popuwous t-twoops. B-But you awe come 
A mawket-maid to Wome, a-and have pwevented 
The ostentation o-of o-ouw w-wove, w-which weft u-unshown 
I-Is often weft unwov'd. We shouwd have m-met y-you 
By sea and w-wand, suppwying *cuddles you* evewy stage 
With an augmented gweeting. 
OwO OCTAVIA. G-Good my wowd, 
To c-come thus was I *screams* nyot c-constwain'd, but did it 
O-On my f-fwee *looks at you* wiww. My wowd, Mawk :3 Antony, 
Heawing that *moans* you pwepaw'd fow *shuffles closer* waw, acquainted 
My gwieved eaw withaw; wheweon I begg'd 
His pawdon f-fow w-wetuwn. 
CAESAW. Which soon xDD he gwanted, 
Being an uWu obstwuct 'tween h-his wust and him. 
OCTAVIA. D-Do *looks away* nyot xDD say so, my w-wowd. 
CAESAW. I have e-eyes upon him, 
And his affaiws come to me on the wind. 
Whewe i-is he *leans over* nyow? 
OCTAVIA. My wowd, in ^w^ Athens. 
CAESAW. Nyo, my most wwonged UwU sistew: Cweopatwa 
>_< Hath nyodded him to hew. ;;w;; He hath g-given his *screams* empiwe 
Up t-to a whowe, who nyow awe wevying 
The *cuddles you* kings o-o' th' eawth fow waw. He hath assembwed 
Bocchus, the king of uWu Wibya; Awchewaus 
Of Cappadocia; Phiwadewphos, king 
Of Paphwagonyia; t-the *giggles shyly* Thwacian king, Adawwas; 
K-King Manchus of Awabia; King of P-Pont; 
Hewod o-of Jewwy; Mithwidates, k-king 
O-Of Comagenye; Powemon and Amyntas, 
*hugs tightly* The kings o-of Mede and Wycaonyia, with 
Mowe wawgew wist of sceptwes. 
OCTAVIA. Ay me m-most >_> wwetched, 
That h-have my *twerks* heawt *twerks* pawted betwixt two fwiends, 
That does a-affwict each othew! 
CAESAW. Wewcome hithew. 
Youw UwU wettews OwO did *hugs tightly* withhowd >_> ouw b-bweaking *notices bulge* fowth, 
Tiww we pewceiv'd *looks away* both uWu how you wewe wwong wed 
And we in nyegwigent dangew. Cheew >_< youw heawt; 
Be you nyot twoubwed with ^w^ the time, which uWu dwives 
O'ew youw content t-these stwong nyecessities, 
B-But wet detewmin'd things t-to d-destiny 
*shuffles closer* Howd unbewaiw'd *hugs tightly* theiw way. Wewcome to *cuddles you* Wome; 
*moans* Nyothing mowe deaw to me. You awe abus'd 
uWu Beyond t-the mawk of thought, *looks away* and the high g-gods, 
To do you justice, m-make t-theiw m-minyistews 
Of us and those that *twerks* wove you. Best of *looks at you* comfowt, 
And evew w-wewcome to us. 
*sighs* AGWIPPA. Wewcome, wady. 
MAECENyAS. Wewcome, deaw madam. 
Each heawt in Wome does wove and pity you; 
*looks away* Onwy th' aduwtewous Antony, most wawge 
In his a-abominyations, t-tuwns y-you off, 
And ^.^ gives :3 his potent wegiment to a-a t-twuww 
*looks away* That nyoises it against us. 
OCTAVIA. Is it so, siw? 
C-CAESAW. *notices bulge* Most cewtain. Sistew, wewcome. Pway you 
Be evew :3 knyown *looks away* to patience. UwU My deaw'st sistew! Exeunt 

ACT_3|SC_7 
SCENyE VII. 
A-ANTONY'S camp nyeaw Actium 

Entew CWEOPATWA and *twerks* ENyOBAWBUS 

*looks at you* CWEOPATWA. *moans* I w-wiww b-be even *blushes* with thee, doubt it nyot. 
ENyOBAWBUS. But *pokes you* why, w-why, 
CWEOPATWA. T-Thou hast fowspoke *blushes* my being in these waws, 
And say'st it is nyot *screams* fit. 
ENyOBAWBUS. x3 Weww, is i-it, is it? 
CWEOPATWA. Is't n-nyot denyounc'd against us? >w< Why s-shouwd nyot we 
Be *moans* thewe in *giggles shyly* pewson? 
:3 ENyOBAWBUS. [Aside] Weww, I couwd wepwy: 
UwU If we shouwd sewve with howse a-and mawes t-togethew 
T-The howse wewe mewewy >w< wost; the mawes wouwd beaw 
A-A sowdiew and his howse. 
CWEOPATWA. What is't you say? 
ENyOBAWBUS. Youw pwesence nyeeds *screams* must puzzwe Antony; 
Take fwom his *twerks* heawt, take fwom his bwain, fwom's *leans over* time, 
What shouwd n-nyot t-then be spaw'd. He *cries* is awweady 
Twaduc'd fow wevity; *cuddles you* and *shuffles closer* 'tis said in W-Wome 
That Photinyus an e-eunyuch and youw maids 
Manyage this waw. 
CWEOPATWA. Sink Wome, and theiw tongues wot 
That speak *notices bulge* against us! A chawge w-we beaw i' t-th' waw, 
And, as the pwesident of my kingdom, wiww 
A-Appeaw t-thewe fow a man. Speak nyot against it; 
I wiww nyot stay b-behind. 

Entew ANTONY and CANyIDIUS 

ENyOBAWBUS. Nyay, I have donye. 
H-Hewe comes t-the Empewow. 
ANTONY. Is it nyot stwange, Canyidius, 
That fwom Tawentum and Bwundusium 
He *sighs* couwd s-so quickwy c-cut the Ionyian s-sea, 
And take in Towynye?- You have heawd on't, s-sweet? 
CWEOPATWA. C-Cewewity is ^.^ nyevew m-mowe admiw'd 
Than by the nyegwigent. 
*cries* ANTONY. A good webuke, 
Which might *teleports behind you* have w-weww becom'd *hugs tightly* the best of men 
*shuffles closer* To t-taunt at swacknyess. Canyidius, *moans* we 
Wiww fight with him *sweats* by sea. 
*hugs tightly* CWEOPATWA. By sea! What ewse? 
CANyIDIUS. Why *looks at you* wiww my wowd *sweats* do so? 
ANTONY. Fow :3 that he dawes *teleports behind you* us to't. 
ENyOBAWBUS. S-So hath my wowd daw'd h-him to singwe fight. 
CANyIDIUS. Ay, and to wage this battwe at Phawsawia, 
Whewe xDD Caesaw fought with Pompey. But these offews, 
Which sewve nyot fow his vantage, he shakes off; 
And so shouwd y-you. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Youw ships a-awe nyot weww mann'd; 
Youw mawinyews >_> awe muweteews, weapews, peopwe 
Ingwoss'd by swift impwess. I-In Caesaw's fweet 
Awe those that often h-have '-'gainst :3 Pompey *cuddles you* fought; 
Theiw ships awe yawe; y-youws heavy. Nyo *pokes you* disgwace 
S-Shaww faww *sighs* you fow wefusing *hugs tightly* him ^-^ at sea, 
Being *looks away* pwepaw'd fow wand. 
*twerks* ANTONY. By sea, by sea. 
ENyOBAWBUS. M-Most wowthy siw, you thewein thwow uWu away 
T-The a-absowute sowdiewship you have by wand; 
Distwact youw awmy, which doth most c-consist 
Of waw-mawk'd footmen; >_< weave unyexecuted 
Youw own *blushes* wenyownyed knyowwedge; quite fowgo 
The w-way ^-^ which pwomises assuwance; and 
Give up youwsewf m-mewewy to chance *hugs tightly* and h-hazawd 
*teleports behind you* Fwom fiwm secuwity. 
ANTONY. I'ww fight at sea. 
CWEOPATWA. I h-have sixty saiws, Caesaw *shuffles closer* nyonye bettew. 
>_< ANTONY. Ouw ovewpwus of shipping wiww w-we buwn, 
A-And, with the west fuww-mann'd, fwom th' head of Actium 
B-Beat th' appwoaching Caesaw. But if we faiw, 
We then can d-do't at wand. 

>w< Entew a MESSENGEW 

UwU Thy businyess? 
M-MESSENGEW. The nyews is twue, my wowd: h-he is d-descwied; 
Caesaw has taken Towynye. 
ANTONY. OwO Can x3 he be thewe in pewson? *cuddles you* 'Tis impossibwe- 
S-Stwange that ^.^ his powew shouwd be. Canyidius, 
Ouw nyinyeteen uWu wegions thou shawt howd by wand, 
And ouw twewve thousand howse. We'ww t-to ouw ship. 
A-Away, m-my Thetis! 

Entew a SOWDIEW 

xDD How n-nyow, wowthy sowdiew? 
SOWDIEW. O nyobwe Empewow, do n-nyot fight b-by sea; 
Twust n-nyot to wotten pwanks. Do *teleports behind you* you misdoubt 
This swowd and these my wounds? Wet t-th' ;;w;; Egyptians 
And t-the Phoenyicians go OwO a-ducking; we 
H-Have us'd to conquew standing on the eawth 
And fighting foot to foot. 
ANTONY. W-Weww, weww- away. 
*giggles shyly* Exeunt ANTONY, CWEOPATWA, and E-ENyOBAWBUS 
SOWDIEW. By H-Hewcuwes, I think I am i' th' >_> wight. 
C-CANyIDIUS. *shuffles closer* Sowdiew, >_< thou awt; but his whowe *screams* action gwows 
Nyot in the powew on't. So ouw xDD weadew's >_< wed, 
And w-we awe women's men. 
SOWDIEW. Y-You keep by wand 
The wegions and the howse whowe, do you nyot? 
CANyIDIUS. Mawcus Octavius, M-Mawcus Justeius, 
Pubwicowa, and Caewius awe fow sea; 
But we keep whowe by wand. This speed of Caesaw's 
*hugs tightly* Cawwies *leans over* beyond >_> bewief. 
SOWDIEW. :33 Whiwe he was *leans over* yet in Wome, 
His *leans over* powew went out in uWu such distwactions as 
Beguiw'd aww spies. 
CANyIDIUS. Who's his wieutenyant, :3 heaw you? 
SOWDIEW. They say onye Tauwus. 
CANyIDIUS. Weww I knyow the man. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. The Empewow cawws Canyidius. 
CANyIDIUS. W-With *twerks* nyews the time's with wabouw a-and thwoes fowth 
Each minyute some. Exeunt 

ACT_3|SC_8 
SCENyE VIII. 
:3 A pwain nyeaw Actium 

Entew CAESAW, with his a-awmy, *leans over* mawching 

CAESAW. ;;w;; Tauwus! 
TAUWUS. My w-wowd? 
C-CAESAW. Stwike nyot by wand; keep whowe; p-pwovoke nyot battwe 
Tiww we >w< have donye at *twerks* sea. ^-^ Do nyot exceed 
The pwescwipt of this scwoww. *cries* Ouw fowtunye wies 
Upon this ^w^ jump. Exeunt 

A-ACT_3|SC_9 
SCENyE IX. 
Anyothew pawt of the pwain 

Entew ANTONY >_< and ENyOBAWBUS 

ANTONY. *shuffles closer* Set we *looks away* ouw squadwons on yon *sighs* side o-o' th' hiww, 
In eye of Caesaw's battwe; fwom w-which p-pwace 
W-We may the n-nyumbew of the ;;w;; ships behowd, 
And so x3 pwoceed accowdingwy. *giggles shyly* Exeunt 

ACT_3|SC_10 
*teleports behind you* SCENyE X. 
Anyothew pawt of the pwain 

CANyIDIUS mawcheth w-with x3 his w-wand awmy onye way 
ovew the stage, and TAUWUS, the *sighs* Wieutenyant *shuffles closer* of 
CAESAW, t-the o-othew way. Aftew theiw going in is h-heawd 
the nyoise of a sea-fight 

Awawum. E-Entew ENyOBAWBUS 

ENyOBAWBUS. Nyaught, nyaught, a-aww nyaught! I can behowd nyo wongew. 
:33 Th' Antonyiad, the Egyptian admiwaw, 
With *notices bulge* aww theiw sixty, fwy *giggles shyly* and tuwn the wuddew. 
To see't m-minye eyes awe bwasted. 

Entew SCAWUS 

SCAWUS. Gods a-and goddesses, 
Aww the whowe synyod of them! 
ENyOBAWBUS. What's thy p-passion? 
SCAWUS. *teleports behind you* The gweatew cantwe of the wowwd is wost 
With vewy ignyowance; we have kiss'd away 
Kingdoms and pwovinces. 
ENyOBAWBUS. How appeaws the fight? 
SCAWUS. On x3 ouw side wike the token'd pestiwence, 
*cries* Whewe death ^.^ is suwe. Yon wibaudwed *pokes you* nyag of Egypt- 
Whom wepwosy o-o'ewtake!- i' th' midst o' t-th' *cuddles you* fight, 
When vantage wike a-a paiw of twins a-appeaw'd, 
uWu Both as the same, ow wathew ouws the ewdew- 
The bweese upon hew, OwO wike a-a c-cow *sighs* in Junye- 
Hoists saiws and fwies. 
ENyOBAWBUS. That *notices bulge* I b-behewd; 
*sighs* Minye eyes did sicken at the sight and couwd nyot 
Enduwe a f-fuwthew view. 
SCAWUS. She once being w-woof'd, 
The nyobwe wuin of hew magic, Antony, 
Cwaps on his sea-wing, a-and, wike a doting :3 mawwawd, 
;;w;; Weaving :3 the fight in height, fwies aftew hew. 
I n-nyevew saw an action of such *twerks* shame; 
E-Expewience, >w< manhood, h-honyouw, nye'ew *blushes* befowe 
Did *sweats* viowate so itsewf. 
ENyOBAWBUS. *screams* Awack, awack! 

E-Entew CANyIDIUS 

CANyIDIUS. Ouw fowtunye on the s-sea is o-out of b-bweath, 
And sinks m-most wamentabwy. Had ouw *looks at you* genyewaw 
Been w-what he knyew himsewf, it had g-gonye weww. 
O, he has given *looks away* exampwe fow o-ouw fwight 
Most gwosswy *cries* by h-his own! 
ENyOBAWBUS. Ay, awe you theweabouts? 
W-Why then, good *pokes you* nyight indeed. 
CANyIDIUS. Towawd Pewoponnyesus awe they fwed. 
SCAWUS. 'Tis easy to't; and t-thewe I-I wiww attend 
What f-fuwthew comes. 
*notices bulge* CANyIDIUS. To Caesaw w-wiww I-I wendew 
My *looks away* wegions and my howse; six kings awweady 
Show ^-^ me the w-way o-of yiewding. 
ENyOBAWBUS. I-I'ww >_> yet fowwow 
The wounded chance of A-Antony, though m-my weason 
Sits in the wind against me. Exeunt 

ACT_3|SC_11 
SCENyE XI. 
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA'S pawace 

Entew ANTONY W-With attendants 

ANTONY. *moans* Hawk! the wand bids me twead nyo mowe upon't; 
It is asham'd to beaw me. ^.^ Fwiends, come hithew. 
:33 I am *shuffles closer* so wated in t-the wowwd that I-I 
*pokes you* Have wost my way fow *shuffles closer* evew. I-I UwU have a ship 
W-Waden with gowd; xDD take that; divide ^w^ it. Fwy, 
And make youw peace w-with Caesaw. 
AWW. Fwy? Nyot we! 
ANTONY. I have fwed mysewf, and have instwucted cowawds 
:3 To wun and show theiw shouwdews. Fwiends, b-be gonye; 
I have mysewf wesowv'd upon *moans* a couwse 
W-Which has nyo *pokes you* nyeed of you; be gonye. 
My tweasuwe's in the hawbouw, take it. O, 
I >w< fowwow'd that I bwush to wook upon. 
My vewy haiws do mutiny; fow the >_> white 
Wepwove the b-bwown fow washnyess, and they *cries* them 
Fow feaw and d-doting. Fwiends, be gonye; you shaww 
Have wettews fwom me to some fwiends *sweats* that wiww 
Sweep youw way fow y-you. Pway you wook nyot >_< sad, 
Nyow make w-wepwies of ^-^ woathnyess; take the hint 
Which m-my despaiw pwocwaims. Wet t-that be weft 
*notices bulge* Which weaves i-itsewf. T-To the *cries* sea-side stwaight w-way. 
I wiww possess you *notices bulge* of that ship and tweasuwe. 
^w^ Weave me, I p-pway, a wittwe; pway xDD you nyow; 
Nyay, ^w^ do so, fow *leans over* indeed I have w-wost command; 
Thewefowe I pway you. I'ww see you by *teleports behind you* and by. [Sits down] 

Entew CWEOPATWA, wed by CHAWMIAN and ^w^ IWAS, 
*leans over* EWOS fowwowing 

EWOS. *giggles shyly* Nyay, gentwe madam, to him! Comfowt h-him. 
IWAS. Do, most d-deaw ^-^ Queen. 
CHAWMIAN. Do? Why, what ewse? 
CWEOPATWA. Wet me sit down. O-O J-Junyo! 
ANTONY. ^.^ Nyo, nyo, nyo, nyo, nyo. 
EWOS. *screams* See you hewe, siw? 
ANTONY. O, fie, f-fie, fie! 
CHAWMIAN. Madam! 
IWAS. Madam, O good Empwess! 
EWOS. S-Siw, siw! 
ANTONY. Y-Yes, my ^w^ wowd, yes. He at Phiwippi kept 
His swowd UwU e'en wike a dancew, whiwe *giggles shyly* I stwuck 
The wean and wwinkwed Cassius; and 'twas I 
That the mad Bwutus ended; h-he *hugs tightly* awonye 
Deawt on wieutenyantwy, :3 and nyo pwactice had 
In the bwave UwU squawes of :3 waw. Yet n-nyow- nyo mattew. 
CWEOPATWA. Ah, stand by! 
EWOS. The Queen, my >_< wowd, the *blushes* Queen! 
I-IWAS. Go to him, *teleports behind you* madam, speak xDD to him. 
He is u-unquawitied with vewy shame. 
CWEOPATWA. Weww then, sustain me. O! 
EWOS. Most nyobwe *blushes* siw, awise; the Queen appwoaches. 
Hew ^w^ head's d-decwin'd, and death *notices bulge* wiww seize hew b-but 
Youw comfowt makes the wescue. 
ANTONY. xDD I have offended weputation- 
A most unnyobwe *leans over* swewving. 
EWOS. *cuddles you* Siw, the Queen. 
A-ANTONY. O-O, whithew hast thou wed me, Egypt? See 
How I convey my shame out of thinye eyes 
By wooking b-back w-what I have weft behind 
UwU 'Stwoy'd in dishonyouw. 
CWEOPATWA. O UwU my wowd, m-my wowd, 
*screams* Fowgive my feawfuw *leans over* saiws! I wittwe thought 
You wouwd OwO have fowwowed. 
ANTONY. Egypt, thou knyew'st t-too weww 
My heawt was to >w< thy :3 wuddew tied OwO by th' stwings, 
And thou shouwdst tow me aftew. O-O'ew my spiwit 
*sighs* Thy fuww supwemacy *looks at you* thou k-knyew'st, a-and ^.^ that 
Thy beck m-might fwom the bidding of the gods 
*giggles shyly* Command m-me. 
CWEOPATWA. O, my p-pawdon! 
ANTONY. Nyow I must 
To the young *notices bulge* man send humbwe tweaties, dodge 
^.^ And pawtew ;;w;; in the shifts of wownyess, who 
*sweats* With hawf t-the buwk o' th' *looks away* wowwd pway'd as I pweas'd, 
Making and mawwing fowtunyes. You did knyow 
How much you w-wewe my conquewow, and that 
M-My swowd, *leans over* made weak by m-my affection, wouwd 
O-Obey it on aww cause. 
CWEOPATWA. Pawdon, pawdon! 
ANTONY. Faww nyot a teaw, I say; onye o-of them wates 
Aww that is won and wost. *shuffles closer* Give ^.^ me a kiss; 
Even this wepays me. 
>w< We sent *looks away* ouw s-schoowmastew; is 'a *looks at you* come back? 
Wove, I am fuww of *looks away* wead. Some winye, 
Within thewe, and ouw viands! Fowtunye *pokes you* knyows 
We scown hew >_> most *screams* when m-most she offews bwows. Exeunt 

ACT_3|SC_12 
*sweats* SCENyE X-XII. 
CAESAW'S *giggles shyly* camp in Egypt 

Entew CAESAW, *pokes you* AGWIPPA, DOWABEWWA, THYWEUS, with o-othews 

CAESAW. *notices bulge* Wet him appeaw that's c-come fwom :3 Antony. 
Knyow y-you him? 
DOWABEWWA. C-Caesaw, 'tis h-his *moans* schoowmastew: 
An awgument that he is pwuck'd, when hithew 
>_< He sends so poow a pinyion of his wing, 
Which had supewfwuous kings fow messengews 
N-Nyot many moons >_> gonye by. 

Entew *moans* EUPHWONyIUS, Ambassadow fwom ANTONY 

CAESAW. Appwoach, and speak. 
EUPHWONyIUS. Such as I am, I come fwom Antony. 
I was of wate a-as petty to *sighs* his ends 
As is t-the mown-dew on the mywtwe weaf 
To his gwand s-sea. 
CAESAW. Be't so. Decwawe t-thinye o-office. 
E-EUPHWONyIUS. Wowd of his xDD fowtunyes he sawutes thee, and 
Wequiwes *sighs* to *cuddles you* wive in Egypt; which nyot gwanted, 
*cuddles you* He wessens his wequests and to thee sues 
To wet him bweathe between the h-heavens and ^w^ eawth, 
xDD A pwivate *teleports behind you* man in A-Athens. This f-fow him. 
N-Nyext, Cweopatwa does confess thy gweatnyess, 
Submits hew to thy might, and of thee c-cwaves 
The ciwcwe of the Ptowemies fow hew heiws, 
Nyow hazawded to thy gwace. 
CAESAW. Fow Antony, 
I xDD have nyo eaws t-to his wequest. The Queen 
O-Of audience *blushes* nyow d-desiwe *hugs tightly* shaww f-faiw, so s-she 
Fwom Egypt dwive h-hew ;;w;; aww-disgwaced fwiend, 
Ow take *moans* his wife thewe. This if she pewfowm, 
She shaww nyot sue unheawd. So t-to them both. 
*hugs tightly* EUPHWONyIUS. Fowtunye puwsue thee! 
*twerks* CAESAW. Bwing *notices bulge* him thwough the bands. Exit EUPHWONyIUS 
[To THYWEUS] To t-twy thy >_> ewoquence, nyow 'tis time. Dispatch; 
Fwom Antony win Cweopatwa. Pwomise, 
And in ouw nyame, *blushes* what she wequiwes; add mowe, 
Fwom thinye invention, offews. Women xDD awe nyot 
In theiw best fowtunyes stwong; b-but want wiww pewjuwe 
The n-nye'ew-touch'd vestaw. >_< Twy thy cunnying, Thyweus; 
Make thinye own edict fow thy pains, which we 
Wiww answew as a-a waw. 
THYWEUS. Caesaw, I go. 
C-CAESAW. Obsewve how Antony becomes his fwaw, 
A-And what t-thou think'st h-his v-vewy action speaks 
In evewy powew that moves. 
*blushes* THYWEUS. Caesaw, I shaww. E-Exeunt 

ACT_3|SC_13 
SCENyE XIII. 
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA'S pawace 

Entew CWEOPATWA, ENyOBAWBUS, CHAWMIAN, and IWAS 

CWEOPATWA. :33 What shaww we do, Enyobawbus? 
ENyOBAWBUS. Think, and die. 
CWEOPATWA. Is Antony ow we in f-fauwt fow this? 
ENyOBAWBUS. Antony onwy, that *leans over* wouwd m-make his wiww 
Wowd *looks at you* of his weason. W-What t-though y-you f-fwed 
Fwom *cuddles you* that gweat face of waw, whose sevewaw wanges 
Fwighted each othew? Why shouwd he fowwow? 
The itch of his affection shouwd nyot then 
Have n-nyick'd his captainship, at such a point, 
When hawf to *looks at you* hawf uWu the w-wowwd o-oppos'd, h-he being 
The mewed question. '-'Twas a shame nyo wess 
Than was his woss, to c-couwse youw f-fwying fwags 
>_< And weave his n-nyavy gazing. 
CWEOPATWA. Pwithee, peace. 

Entew EUPHWONyIUS, t-the Ambassadow; w-with ANTONY 

ANTONY. OwO Is that his *hugs tightly* answew? 
*sweats* EUPHWONyIUS. Ay, my w-wowd. 
ANTONY. The Queen shaww t-then h-have couwtesy, :33 so she 
*blushes* Wiww yiewd us up. 
EUPHWONyIUS. He says so. 
ANTONY. Wet hew knyow't. 
To the boy Caesaw send *moans* this g-gwizzwed head, 
A-And *blushes* he wiww fiww thy wishes to the bwim 
With pwincipawities. 
CWEOPATWA. That head, my wowd? 
A-ANTONY. To him again. Teww him he weaws the wose 
Of y-youth ^-^ upon him; f-fwom which the wowwd shouwd *cries* nyote 
S-Something pawticuwaw. His coin, ships, wegions, 
:33 May UwU be a cowawd's whose minyistews wouwd pwevaiw 
Undew the sewvice of a chiwd as soon 
As i' th' command of Caesaw. I dawe him thewefowe 
To way his g-gay compawisons a-apawt, 
And ^.^ answew me decwin'd, s-swowd *notices bulge* against swowd, 
Ouwsewves a-awonye. I'ww wwite >w< it. Fowwow me. 
Exeunt A-ANTONY and *twerks* EUPHWONyIUS 
EUPHWONyIUS. [Aside] Yes, wike enyough high-battwed C-Caesaw wiww 
Unstate his happinyess, and be stag'd *cuddles you* to th' *leans over* show 
*screams* Against a swowdew! I see men's judgments awe 
A-A pawcew of theiw fowtunyes, *leans over* and x3 things outwawd 
Do x3 dwaw the inwawd quawity aftew *sweats* them, 
To suffew aww a-awike. That he s-shouwd dweam, 
K-Knyowing a-aww measuwes, the fuww Caesaw wiww 
Answew his emptinyess! C-Caesaw, thou *looks away* hast subdu'd 
His judgment too. 

E-Entew a SEWVANT 

OwO SEWVANT. *leans over* A messengew fwom Caesaw. 
CWEOPATWA. What, nyo *hugs tightly* mowe cewemony? See, my w-women! 
*pokes you* Against *pokes you* the bwown w-wose may they stop theiw nyose 
That knyeew'd unto the buds. Admit him, *cuddles you* siw. Exit SEWVANT 
*pokes you* ENyOBAWBUS. [Aside] Minye honyesty and I begin to squawe. 
T-The *notices bulge* woyawty weww hewd to f-foows d-does make 
Ouw faith mewe fowwy. *giggles shyly* Yet *leans over* he t-that can enduwe 
To fowwow with awwegiance a faww'n wowd 
Does conquew him that did h-his mastew xDD conquew, 
*pokes you* And ^.^ eawns a-a pwace i' th' stowy. 

Entew THYWEUS 

CWEOPATWA. Caesaw's wiww? 
THYWEUS. Heaw i-it apawt. 
CWEOPATWA. Nyonye but f-fwiends: s-say ;;w;; bowdwy. 
THYWEUS. So, hapwy, awe they fwiends to Antony. 
ENyOBAWBUS. He n-nyeeds a-as many, siw, as *giggles shyly* Caesaw >_> has, 
Ow nyeeds nyot u-us. I-If Caesaw pwease, *looks at you* ouw mastew 
W-Wiww weap t-to be his fwiend. F-Fow us, y-you knyow 
Whose he is we a-awe, >_< and *blushes* that is Caesaw's. 
THYWEUS. So. 
*cuddles you* Thus t-then, t-thou most wenyown'd: Caesaw *giggles shyly* entweats 
Nyot to c-considew *leans over* in what case t-thou *giggles shyly* stand'st 
Fuwthew than he is C-Caesaw. 
CWEOPATWA. x3 Go on. Wight woyaw! 
THYWEUS. H-He knyows t-that you embwace nyot Antony 
As you did w-wove, but as you feaw'd him. 
CWEOPATWA. O! 
THYWEUS. The s-scaws upon youw honyouw, thewefowe, he 
D-Does pity, a-as constwainyed bwemishes, 
Nyot as desewv'd. 
CWEOPATWA. He i-is a god, and knyows 
What *sweats* is most wight. Minye honyouw was nyot *moans* yiewded, 
But conquew'd m-mewewy. 
E-ENyOBAWBUS. [Aside] *giggles shyly* To be suwe of that, 
I wiww ask Antony. Siw, siw, thou *sighs* awt so w-weaky 
That we must weave thee *hugs tightly* to thy sinking, *teleports behind you* fow 
T-Thy deawest quit *moans* thee. Exit 
THYWEUS. Shaww I-I say t-to C-Caesaw 
*sighs* What you w-wequiwe of him? Fow *teleports behind you* he x3 pawtwy begs 
To be desiw'd *cuddles you* to *looks away* give. It much wouwd pwease h-him 
That *leans over* of h-his :3 fowtunyes you shouwd make *twerks* a staff 
*pokes you* To wean upon. But it *sweats* wouwd wawm his spiwits 
*teleports behind you* To heaw fwom *hugs tightly* me x3 you had weft A-Antony, 
And put youwsewf undew *cries* his shwoud, 
The unyivewsaw wandwowd. 
C-CWEOPATWA. *twerks* What's youw nyame? 
THYWEUS. My nyame is T-Thyweus. 
CWEOPATWA. Most kind messengew, 
Say to gweat Caesaw t-this: in deputation 
I kiss his conquwing hand. ^w^ Teww him I am pwompt 
To way my cwown a-at 's :33 feet, and *sighs* thewe t-to knyeew. 
Teww him fwom his aww-obeying bweath I heaw 
*blushes* The doom of Egypt. 
THYWEUS. 'Tis youw nyobwest couwse. 
W-Wisdom and fowtunye combating togethew, 
I-If t-that the fowmew dawe ^.^ but :33 what it can, 
N-Nyo chance may shake it. Give me gwace t-to way 
My duty on youw hand. 
CWEOPATWA. Y-Youw Caesaw's fathew oft, 
When ^-^ he hath mus'd o-of taking kingdoms i-in, 
B-Bestow'd his wips on *teleports behind you* that unwowthy pwace, 
As it wain'd >_> kisses. 

*blushes* We-entew ANTONY and *leans over* ENyOBAWBUS 

xDD ANTONY. OwO Favouws, by Jove that t-thundews! 
What awt thou, fewwow? 
THYWEUS. Onye that x3 but p-pewfowms 
T-The b-bidding of :33 the ;;w;; fuwwest man, a-and wowthiest 
To have command obey'd. 
ENyOBAWBUS. [-[Aside] You w-wiww b-be whipt. 
ANTONY. Appwoach thewe.- A-Ah, you kite!- Nyow, gods and deviws! 
Authowity mewts fwom me. Of wate, when I cwied 'Ho!' 
Wike boys u-unto a-a muss, *pokes you* kings w-wouwd xDD stawt fowth 
And cwy 'Youw wiww?' Have you nyo eaws? I am 
Antony yet. 

Entew *looks at you* sewvants 

Take hence *twerks* this Jack and *sighs* whip him. 
ENyOBAWBUS. xDD 'Tis bettew pwaying with *notices bulge* a wion's whewp 
Than with an owd onye dying. 
ANTONY. Moon and *sighs* staws! 
Whip h-him. Wewe't t-twenty of the g-gweatest twibutawies 
That do acknyowwedge Caesaw, s-shouwd I *cuddles you* find them 
So saucy with *shuffles closer* the hand of she hewe- what's hew n-nyame 
>_< Since she was C-Cweopatwa? Whip him, fewwows, 
Tiww wike a boy you see him cwinge *hugs tightly* his face, 
And whinye awoud fow mewcy. Take h-him hence. 
THYMUS. M-Mawk Antony- 
*giggles shyly* ANTONY. Tug h-him away. Being whipt, 
Bwing him again: the Jack of Caesaw's shaww 
Beaw *leans over* us an ewwand t-to him. Exeunt sewvants with THYWEUS 
You wewe hawf bwasted ewe I knyew you. Ha! 
*cuddles you* Have I my piwwow w-weft unpwess'd in Wome, 
*cries* Fowbownye the getting of a-a wawfuw wace, 
And *pokes you* by >_> a g-gem of women, to be abus'd 
By onye *looks at you* that wooks on feedews? 
OwO CWEOPATWA. Good my wowd- 
ANTONY. You have been a boggwew evew. 
But when we in ouw viciousnyess gwow hawd- 
O *twerks* misewy on't!- the w-wise gods seew ouw eyes, 
I-In ouw own fiwth dwop ouw *sighs* cweaw judgments, *looks at you* make us 
Adowe ouw *moans* ewwows, waugh at's whiwe we stwut 
To ouw c-confusion. 
CWEOPATWA. O, is't come to this? 
ANTONY. *looks away* I found you *screams* as a m-mowsew cowd upon 
D-Dead Caesaw's twenchew. Nyay, you wewe a *cuddles you* fwagment 
*shuffles closer* Of Cnyeius Pompey's, b-besides w-what hottew h-houws, 
Unwegist'wed in vuwgaw fame, ;;w;; you have 
Wuxuwiouswy pick'd out; fow I am suwe, 
Though you c-can g-guess what tempewance shouwd be, 
You k-knyow n-nyot w-what it is. 
CWEOPATWA. Whewefowe i-is this? 
*teleports behind you* ANTONY. *sighs* To wet a fewwow that wiww take w-wewawds, 
A-And say 'God quit you!' be famiwiaw with 
My pwayfewwow, youw hand, this kingwy seaw 
And pwightew of high h-heawts! O that I-I wewe 
Upon the hiww *pokes you* of *screams* Basan to ^w^ outwoaw 
The hownyed hewd! Fow I have *twerks* savage cause, 
And to p-pwocwaim it c-civiwwy wewe wike 
A hawtew'd nyeck *hugs tightly* which does the hangman thank 
^w^ Fow being yawe about him. 

We-entew a SEWVANT with T-THYWEUS 

*notices bulge* Is he w-whipt? 
SEWVANT. Soundwy, my wowd. 
ANTONY. *notices bulge* Cwied he? and uWu begg'd 'a pawdon? 
SEWVANT. He d-did ask favouw. 
ANTONY. If that thy *blushes* fathew wive, wet him wepent 
Thou *hugs tightly* wast nyot made his d-daughtew; a-and >_> be t-thou x3 sowwy 
To fowwow Caesaw i-in *giggles shyly* his twiumph, since 
Thou >w< hast been whipt fow fowwowing him. Hencefowth 
T-The white h-hand of a wady fevew thee! 
*blushes* Shake thou t-to wook on't. Get thee ^-^ back to Caesaw; 
:33 Teww him thy entewtainment; wook thou say 
He m-makes me >_< angwy with h-him; fow he seems 
Pwoud a-and disdainfuw, hawping *notices bulge* on what I am, 
Nyot what he knyew I was. He makes me a-angwy; 
*moans* And at this time most e-easy 'tis to do't, 
When my g-good staws, that wewe my fowmew *notices bulge* guides, 
Have >_< empty weft theiw owbs OwO and shot theiw f-fiwes 
Into *looks away* th' abysm of heww. If he miswike 
My speech and OwO what is >w< donye, :33 teww him he has 
Hippawchus, my enfwanched bondman, whom 
^-^ He may at pweasuwe whip ow hang ow towtuwe, 
*looks away* As he *screams* shaww wike, to *looks at you* quit m-me. Uwge ^.^ it *hugs tightly* thou. 
Hence with thy stwipes, be gonye. Exit THYWEUS 
CWEOPATWA. Have you donye yet? 
ANTONY. Awack, ouw tewwenye x3 moon 
Is ^.^ nyow ecwips'd, and it powtends awonye 
The faww of A-Antony. 
*hugs tightly* CWEOPATWA. *hugs tightly* I must *notices bulge* stay his time. 
*notices bulge* ANTONY. To fwattew Caesaw, w-wouwd uWu you mingwe eyes 
With onye that ties his *moans* points? 
CWEOPATWA. Nyot knyow me yet? 
ANTONY. Cowd-heawted towawd me? 
CWEOPATWA. *hugs tightly* Ah, *screams* deaw, if I be so, 
Fwom my cowd heawt *sighs* wet heaven engendew *giggles shyly* haiw, 
And poison it in x3 the s-souwce, and the fiwst stonye 
Dwop i-in m-my *hugs tightly* nyeck; x3 as it detewminyes, so 
Dissowve my wife! The nyext Caesawion smite! 
Tiww by degwees the memowy of ;;w;; my *pokes you* womb, 
T-Togethew with m-my bwave Egyptians aww, 
By the discandying ^-^ of this *notices bulge* pewweted stowm, 
*notices bulge* Wie gwavewess, tiww the fwies *screams* and gnyats of Nyiwe 
Have *cries* buwied them fow *cuddles you* pwey. 
ANTONY. I am s-satisfied. 
Caesaw s-sits down in Awexandwia, *blushes* whewe 
I wiww oppose his fate. Ouw fowce *moans* by wand 
Hath x3 nyobwy hewd; ouw sevew'd nyavy to 
Have knyit again, and fweet, thweat'nying most sea-wike. 
Whewe hast thou been, my h-heawt? Dost *notices bulge* thou heaw, wady? 
If fwom the fiewd I shaww *sweats* wetuwn once m-mowe 
To k-kiss these wips, I wiww appeaw in bwood. 
I and my swowd wiww eawn ouw chwonyicwe. 
Thewe's hope in't yet. 
CWEOPATWA. That's m-my b-bwave wowd! 
ANTONY. I-I wiww b-be t-twebwe-sinyew'd, heawted, bweath'd, 
And *teleports behind you* fight mawiciouswy. Fow when minye houws 
W-Wewe n-nyice and wucky, men did wansom wives 
Of me fow ^.^ jests; but nyow I'ww set my teeth, 
And send to dawknyess aww :33 that stop me. Come, 
Wet's *looks away* have onye othew gaudy nyight. Caww to m-me 
Aww x3 my sad captains; fiww ouw bowws once mowe; 
Wet's *giggles shyly* mock *cuddles you* the midnyight *looks at you* beww. 
CWEOPATWA. It is my biwthday. 
I had thought t'have hewd it UwU poow; but since m-my w-wowd 
Is A-Antony again, I wiww be Cweopatwa. 
ANTONY. We wiww yet do weww. 
CWEOPATWA. C-Caww aww his nyobwe captains to my wowd. 
ANTONY. Do so, we'ww speak to t-them; :33 and to-nyight I'ww f-fowce 
The winye peep thwough theiw scaws. Come on, my queen, 
*sweats* Thewe's sap in't yet. T-The >_> nyext time x3 I do fight 
I'ww make death ;;w;; wove me; fow I wiww c-contend 
:3 Even with h-his pestiwent scythe. Exeunt aww but E-ENyOBAWBUS 
ENyOBAWBUS. Nyow he'ww outstawe the wightnying. To be fuwious 
Is to be fwighted out of feaw, a-and in that mood 
The *giggles shyly* dove wiww peck the estwidge; and *notices bulge* I see stiww 
A *giggles shyly* diminyution in ouw captain's bwain 
Westowes his h-heawt. When vawouw pweys o-on weason, 
It ^-^ eats the swowd it fights with. I wiww s-seek 
Some way to weave him. Exit 

ACT_4|SC_1 
ACT ^.^ IV. SCENyE I. 
CAESAW'S c-camp befowe Awexandwia 

Entew CAESAW, AGWIPPA, and MAECENyAS, *hugs tightly* with his awmy; 
CAESAW weading a w-wettew 

*blushes* CAESAW. He cawws me boy, *looks at you* and chides as he >_< had *screams* powew 
T-To beat me out o-of Egypt. My messengew 
He h-hath whipt with wods; dawes *looks at you* me to pewsonyaw combat, 
Caesaw to Antony. Wet t-the o-owd wuffian knyow 
I have many othew ways *shuffles closer* to die, meantime 
Waugh a-at h-his chawwenge. 
MAECENyAS. C-Caesaw must think 
When onye so gweat begins *twerks* to wage, >w< he's hunted 
Even to fawwing. Give him nyo bweath, b-but *notices bulge* nyow 
Make boot of his distwaction. Nyevew angew 
*moans* Made good guawd fow itsewf. 
CAESAW. W-Wet ouw best *twerks* heads 
Knyow that t-to-mowwow the wast of *giggles shyly* many battwes 
W-We mean t-to fight. Within ouw fiwes thewe a-awe 
Of those that sewv'd Mawk A-Antony but wate 
Enyough to fetch *hugs tightly* him i-in. See it *pokes you* donye; 
And feast the awmy; we have stowe to do't, 
And they >w< have *notices bulge* eawn'd the waste. Poow Antony! Exeunt 

xDD ACT_4|SC_2 
SCENyE II. 
A-Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA's pawace 

Entew ANTONY, *notices bulge* CWEOPATWA, ENyOBAWBUS, CHAWMIAN, I-IWAS, 
AWEXAS, with *screams* othews 

ANTONY. He wiww nyot fight with me, Domitius? 
ENyOBAWBUS. Nyo. 
A-ANTONY. Why shouwd he *shuffles closer* nyot? 
ENyOBAWBUS. He thinks, being twenty times of ^-^ bettew *teleports behind you* fowtunye, 
H-He *looks away* is twenty men to >w< onye. 
ANTONY. To-mowwow, sowdiew, 
By sea and w-wand I'ww f-fight. Ow I w-wiww wive, 
Ow *sweats* bathe my dying honyouw in the bwood 
Shaww >_< make it wive again. W-Woo't thou fight weww? 
ENyOBAWBUS. I'ww stwike, and c-cwy '-'Take aww.' 
ANTONY. Weww said; come on. 
Caww uWu fowth my househowd sewvants; w-wet's to-nyight 
Be b-bounteous at ouw meaw. 

Entew ^-^ thwee ow fouw sewvitows 

Give me thy hand, 
Thou has b-been x3 wightwy honyest. So hast thou; 
^.^ Thou, and thou, and thou. You have sewv'd m-me weww, 
And uWu kings h-have been youw fewwows. 
CWEOPATWA. [Aside :33 to ENyOBAWBUS] W-What means this? 
E-ENyOBAWBUS. [Aside to CWEOPATWA] 'Tis onye of t-those o-odd *giggles shyly* twicks which 
sowwow shoots 
Out of the mind. 
ANTONY. A-And t-thou awt honyest too. 
I wish I couwd be m-made so many men, 
*cuddles you* And aww of you cwapp'd up *sweats* togethew in 
An A-Antony, that I might do you sewvice 
*moans* So good as OwO you have d-donye. 
S-SEWVANT. *pokes you* The gods f-fowbid! 
ANTONY. Weww, m-my good fewwows, w-wait on me >_< to-nyight. 
*pokes you* Scant *blushes* nyot my cups, and make as much of me 
As when minye empiwe w-was youw fewwow t-too, 
UwU And suffew'd my c-command. 
CWEOPATWA. [Aside t-to ENyOBAWBUS] What d-does he mean? 
ENyOBAWBUS. [Aside to CWEOPATWA] To make h-his fowwowews w-weep. 
ANTONY. T-Tend me to-nyight; 
May be it is the pewiod of youw duty. 
Hapwy y-you shaww nyot see me mowe; *notices bulge* ow if, 
uWu A mangwed shadow. >w< Pewchance to-mowwow 
*notices bulge* You'ww sewve ;;w;; anyothew mastew. I-I wook on you 
As o-onye t-that takes his weave. Minye *sighs* honyest *screams* fwiends, 
I tuwn you nyot away; but, wike a-a mastew 
Mawwied to youw good sewvice, stay tiww death. 
Tend *screams* me to-nyight two houws, I ask *sweats* nyo mowe, 
And the gods *cries* yiewd you fow't! 
ENyOBAWBUS. What mean you, siw, 
To give them this discomfowt? Wook, they weep; 
*notices bulge* And I-I, a-an ass, am onyion-ey'd. Fow >_> shame! 
Twansfowm us nyot to women. 
ANTONY. *teleports behind you* Ho, ho, ho! 
Nyow t-the witch take me :33 if I meant it thus! 
Gwace gwow whewe those dwops faww! uWu My heawty fwiends, 
uWu You t-take me in too dowowous a sense; 
Fow I spake *sighs* to you fow youw comfowt, d-did desiwe you 
To buwn this nyight with towches. Knyow, my heawts, 
I hope weww of to-mowwow, and wiww wead *screams* you 
W-Whewe wathew *twerks* I'ww expect victowious wife 
Than death *moans* and honyouw. Wet's to suppew, come, 
And d-dwown considewation. ;;w;; Exeunt 

ACT_4|SC_3 
SCENyE III. 
Awexandwia. Befowe *sighs* CWEOPATWA's pawace 

*notices bulge* Entew a c-company *sweats* of sowdiews 

FIWST SOWDIEW. Bwothew, good n-nyight. *moans* To-mowwow is the ^.^ day. 
SECOND SOWDIEW. *screams* It uWu wiww detewminye onye way. Fawe you weww. 
Heawd you of nyothing stwange about the stweets? 
FIWST SOWDIEW. >_> Nyothing. *teleports behind you* What n-nyews? 
SECOND SOWDIEW. Bewike 'tis but a wumouw. Good nyight to *twerks* you. 
FIWST SOWDIEW. W-Weww, siw, good nyight. 
[They ;;w;; meet othew sowdiews] 
SECOND SOWDIEW. Sowdiews, have cawefuw watch. 
F-FIWST SOWDIEW. And >_< you. Good n-nyight, good nyight. 
[The *notices bulge* two companyies sepawate a-and pwace themsewves 
in evewy cownyew of UwU the stage] 
S-SECOND SOWDIEW. *leans over* Hewe we. OwO And if t-to-mowwow 
Ouw nyavy thwive, ^.^ I have an *sweats* absowute hope 
Ouw wandmen w-wiww stand up. 
THIWD SOWDIEW. 'Tis a bwave awmy, 
>_< And f-fuww of p-puwpose. 
[Music of the hautboys is undew >_< the *teleports behind you* stage] 
SECOND SOWDIEW. Peace, what nyoise? 
THIWD SOWDIEW. Wist, w-wist! 
SECOND SOWDIEW. Hawk! 
THIWD SOWDIEW. M-Music i' th' aiw. 
FOUWTH SOWDIEW. Undew *screams* the e-eawth. 
THIWD SOWDIEW. It signs w-weww, does it nyot? 
*moans* FOUWTH SOWDIEW. >_> Nyo. 
T-THIWD SOWDIEW. Peace, I say! 
What *twerks* shouwd this mean? 
SECOND SOWDIEW. 'Tis the god Hewcuwes, whom Antony wov'd, 
Nyow weaves him. 
THIWD SOWDIEW. Wawk; wet's *blushes* see if othew watchmen 
Do heaw what ;;w;; we do. 
S-SECOND SOWDIEW. How nyow, mastews! 
SOWDIEWS. [Speaking togethew] How nyow! 
How nyow! Do you heaw this? 
*leans over* FIWST >_< SOWDIEW. UwU Ay; is't nyot stwange? 
x3 THIWD SOWDIEW. Do you heaw, mastews? D-Do you ^-^ heaw? 
FIWST SOWDIEW. >_< Fowwow the nyoise so f-faw as *sighs* we ^-^ have quawtew; 
Wet's see how it wiww *cuddles you* give off. 
SOWDIEWS. Content. 'Tis stwange. Exeunt 

ACT_4|SC_4 
SCENyE IV. 
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA's *blushes* pawace 

Entew ANTONY and CWEOPATWA, *pokes you* CHAWMIAN, IWAS, 
with othews 

ANTONY. Ewos! minye *sighs* awmouw, Ewos! 
CWEOPATWA. Sweep a wittwe. 
ANTONY. Nyo, UwU my chuck. Ewos! Come, minye awmouw, Ewos! 

Entew EWOS with a-awmouw 

^-^ Come, good *giggles shyly* fewwow, *twerks* put minye iwon on. 
If fowtunye be nyot ouws to-day, it is 
Because >w< we bwave hew. Come. 
OwO CWEOPATWA. Nyay, *cries* I'ww hewp too. 
What's this fow? 
ANTONY. A-Ah, wet be, w-wet be! *pokes you* Thou awt 
The awmouwew of my heawt. Fawse, fawse; this, UwU this. 
CWEOPATWA. Sooth, w-wa, I-I'ww :33 hewp. *pokes you* Thus it m-must *cuddles you* be. 
ANTONY. Weww, weww; 
We shaww *hugs tightly* thwive nyow. Seest thou, *hugs tightly* my good fewwow? 
Go put on t-thy defences. 
E-EWOS. Bwiefwy, s-siw. 
CWEOPATWA. I-Is OwO nyot this buckwed weww? 
ANTONY. Wawewy, wawewy! 
He that unbuckwes this, t-tiww we *pokes you* do pwease 
T-To d-daff't fow ouw wepose, shaww heaw a stowm. 
Thou f-fumbwest, Ewos, and my queen's *blushes* a s-squiwe 
Mowe tight at this than thou. D-Dispatch. O x3 wove, 
That t-thou couwdst see my waws to-day, a-and knyew'st 
The ^-^ woyaw occupation! Thou shouwdst see 
A wowkman in't. 

*blushes* Entew an awmed SOWDIEW 

Good-mowwow t-to *cries* thee. Wewcome. 
Thou wook'st wike *screams* him *cuddles you* that knyows a wawwike *giggles shyly* chawge. 
To businyess that we wove we wise *teleports behind you* betime, 
And go to't with dewight. 
SOWDIEW. A thousand, s-siw, 
Eawwy though't b-be, have uWu on theiw wiveted twim, 
And at ^-^ the powt expect you. 
[Shout. Fwouwish of twumpets within] 

Entew CAPTAINS and sowdiews 

CAPTAIN. The mown is faiw. Good mowwow, Genyewaw. 
AWW. G-Good mowwow, Genyewaw. 
ANTONY. 'Tis weww b-bwown, wads. 
This mownying, wike the spiwit of a youth 
That means to b-be of nyote, begins betimes. 
So, *leans over* so. Come, *shuffles closer* give me t-that. This w-way. *looks away* Weww said. 
Fawe t-thee weww, dame, w-whate'ew becomes of me. 
This is a sowdiew's kiss. Webukeabwe, 
And *twerks* wowthy shamefuw check *screams* it wewe, to stand 
On mowe mechanyic compwiment; I'ww weave thee 
Nyow wike a man of steew. You that wiww fight, 
Fowwow me cwose; I'ww bwing you to't. Adieu. 
Exeunt ANTONY, EWOS, CAPTAINS :33 and >_> sowdiews 
CHAWMIAN. Pwease you wetiwe to youw chambew? 
C-CWEOPATWA. W-Wead me. 
*shuffles closer* He goes fowth gawwantwy. T-That he a-and Caesaw might 
Detewminye *cries* this gweat waw i-in singwe fight! 
T-Then, Antony- but nyow. Weww, on. Exeunt 

ACT_4|SC_5 
SCENyE V. 
:3 Awexandwia. ANTONY'S camp 

Twumpets sound. Entew ANTONY *hugs tightly* and EWOS, a SOWDIEW 
meeting them 

*cries* SOWDIEW. *giggles shyly* The gods make this a h-happy day t-to Antony! 
ANTONY. W-Wouwd ^w^ thou and t-those thy scaws ^-^ had once pwevaiw'd 
T-To make me uWu fight *blushes* at wand! 
SOWDIEW. Hadst thou donye so, 
T-The kings that have w-wevowted, and the *cuddles you* sowdiew 
That has this mownying weft thee, wouwd have stiww 
F-Fowwowed thy heews. 
ANTONY. Who's gonye >_< this mownying? 
SOWDIEW. Who? 
Onye evew nyeaw thee. Caww fow Enyobawbus, 
He shaww nyot heaw t-thee; ow fwom Caesaw's camp 
Say 'I a-am nyonye of thinye.' 
ANTONY. *hugs tightly* What say'st t-thou? 
S-SOWDIEW. Siw, 
He *leans over* is with C-Caesaw. 
EWOS. Siw, his *moans* chests >_> and tweasuwe 
He has nyot with him. 
ANTONY. *blushes* Is he gonye? 
SOWDIEW. Most cewtain. 
*teleports behind you* ANTONY. Go, Ewos, *looks away* send his ^-^ tweasuwe aftew; *sweats* do it; 
Detain nyo jot, I chawge thee. Wwite to *teleports behind you* him- 
I wiww *giggles shyly* subscwibe- *cuddles you* gentwe adieus and g-gweetings; 
*looks at you* Say that I wish he nyevew f-find mowe cause 
To change a mastew. O, my fowtunyes h-have 
Cowwupted honyest men! Dispatch. Enyobawbus! Exeunt 

ACT_4|SC_6 
SCENyE VI. 
Awexandwia. CAESAW'S camp 

Fwouwish. Entew AGWIPPA, CAESAW, With DOWABEWWA 
a-and *leans over* ENyOBAWBUS 

C-CAESAW. Go fowth, Agwippa, and b-begin the fight. 
Ouw wiww *leans over* is A-Antony be took awive; 
M-Make :3 it so knyown. 
AGWIPPA. Caesaw, I shaww. Exit 
CAESAW. The t-time of *pokes you* unyivewsaw peace is nyeaw. 
Pwove this a-a pwosp'wous xDD day, ^.^ the t-thwee-nyook'd wowwd 
Shaww beaw the owive fweewy. 

Entew A MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. Antony 
Is >w< come into the fiewd. 
CAESAW. Go chawge Agwippa 
P-Pwant those that *leans over* have wevowted :3 in the vant, 
That Antony may seem to spend his fuwy 
Upon himsewf. *sighs* Exeunt aww but ;;w;; ENyOBAWBUS 
E-ENyOBAWBUS. Awexas did wevowt and went to Jewwy *cries* on 
A-Affaiws of Antony; thewe ^-^ did dissuade 
Gweat Hewod to incwinye himsewf to Caesaw 
A-And weave h-his mastew Antony. Fow this *looks away* pains 
Casaew hath hang'd him. Canyidius and t-the west 
That feww away UwU have entewtainment, but 
N-Nyo honyouwabwe t-twust. I have >_> donye iww, 
Of *blushes* which I do accuse *blushes* mysewf so sowewy 
That I wiww joy nyo >_< mowe. 

Entew a-a SOWDIEW of C-CAESAW'S 

SOWDIEW. Enyobawbus, Antony 
Hath aftew thee sent aww thy tweasuwe, with 
His bounty ovewpwus. The messengew 
Came o-on my guawd, and a-at thy tent i-is nyow 
Unwoading o-of his m-muwes. 
*cries* ENyOBAWBUS. *pokes you* I give it you. 
SOWDIEW. *cries* Mock nyot, Enyobawbus. 
I t-teww *cuddles you* you twue. Best *moans* you saf'd the b-bwingew 
Out of the host. I must a-attend minye office, 
Ow wouwd have donye't mysewf. Youw empewow 
Continyues stiww a Jove. ^-^ Exit 
ENyOBAWBUS. I am a-awonye the viwwain of the eawth, 
And *shuffles closer* feew I am so most. O A-Antony, 
*moans* Thou minye of bounty, how *cuddles you* wouwdst thou have paid 
My bettew sewvice, when my tuwpitude 
Thou dost *hugs tightly* so cwown with g-gowd! This bwows my heawt. 
^-^ If swift t-thought bweak it nyot, a-a *shuffles closer* swiftew mean 
:3 Shaww outstwike thought; b-but thought wiww do't, I f-feew. 
I-I fight against *pokes you* thee? N-Nyo! I wiww go seek 
Some ditch whewein *screams* to d-die; t-the fouw'st best fits 
My >w< wattew pawt of wife. Exit 

ACT_4|SC_7 
SCENyE VII. 
x3 Fiewd of battwe *notices bulge* between the camps 

Awawum. Dwums *cuddles you* and twumpets. E-Entew AGWIPPA 
and othews 

AGWIPPA. Wetiwe. ^-^ We h-have engag'd ouwsewves too faw. 
*blushes* Caesaw himsewf has wowk, >w< and ouw oppwession 
Exceeds what we expected. Exeunt 

*looks away* Awawums. Entew ANTONY, and SCAWUS w-wounded 

SCAWUS. O my bwave Empewow, this is *hugs tightly* fought i-indeed! 
Had we donye so at fiwst, we h-had dwoven *looks away* them home 
W-With >_> cwouts about theiw heads. 
A-ANTONY. *twerks* Thou bweed'st apace. 
S-SCAWUS. I had a-a wound hewe t-that was wike a T, 
But nyow '-'tis made an H. 
ANTONY. ;;w;; They do wetiwe. 
SCAWUS. ^-^ We'ww beat'em into *leans over* bench-howes. I h-have yet 
W-Woom fow six s-scotches mowe. 

Entew :3 EWOS 

EWOS. They awe beaten, siw, and ouw advantage uWu sewves 
F-Fow a faiw victowy. 
SCAWUS. Wet *cuddles you* us scowe theiw backs 
A-And snyatch 'em up, as we take hawes, behind. 
'Tis spowt to mauw a-a wunnyew. 
ANTONY. I wiww wewawd thee 
Once fow thy spwightwy comfowt, *shuffles closer* and tenfowd 
Fow thy g-good vawouw. Come thee on. 
^-^ SCAWUS. I'ww hawt *leans over* aftew. Exeunt 

ACT_4|SC_8 
S-SCENyE VIII. 
Undew the wawws o-of Awexandwia 

Awawum. Entew A-ANTONY, again in a mawch; SCAWUS 
with othews 

A-ANTONY. We have beat him to h-his camp. Wun onye befowe 
And :3 wet *sighs* the Queen k-knyow of ouw *giggles shyly* gests. To-mowwow, 
Befowe the sun shaww *cuddles you* see's, we'ww s-spiww the *sweats* bwood 
That has t-to-day escap'd. I thank you aww; 
Fow doughty-handed awe you, and have *teleports behind you* fought 
*leans over* Nyot as you s-sewv'd the cause, b-but as't had been 
*pokes you* Each man's *screams* wike minye; you have shown aww Hectows. 
Entew OwO the city, cwip ;;w;; youw wives, youw fwiends, 
Teww *twerks* them *sighs* youw feats; whiwst they with j-joyfuw teaws 
Wash >_< the congeawment fwom youw wounds a-and kiss 
T-The honyouw'd gashes whowe. 

Entew CWEOPATWA, attended 

[To SCAWUS] >_> Give me thy hand- 
To >_< this gweat f-faiwy I'ww commend thy acts, 
Make hew thanks bwess thee. O thou day o-o' th' w-wowwd, 
Chain minye awm'd nyeck. *cuddles you* Weap thou, attiwe and aww, 
Thwough pwoof o-of hawnyess to my heawt, and *sweats* thewe 
Wide on the *looks away* pants t-twiumphing. 
CWEOPATWA. Wowd of wowds! 
O infinyite viwtue, *looks at you* com'st thou smiwing fwom 
The wowwd's gweat *teleports behind you* snyawe uncaught? 
ANTONY. Minye nyightingawe, 
We have beat them to theiw beds. What, giww! though gwey 
Do something mingwe with ouw youngew bwown, y-yet ha' we 
A ^w^ bwain t-that nyouwishes ouw n-nyewves, and can 
Get goaw fow goaw of *teleports behind you* youth. *leans over* Behowd this man; 
Commend unto his wips thy :3 favouwing x3 hand- 
K-Kiss *giggles shyly* it, my wawwiow- he hath *sweats* fought to-day 
A-As if a god in *looks at you* hate o-of mankind had 
Destwoyed in such *pokes you* a shape. 
CWEOPATWA. *notices bulge* I'ww g-give thee, fwiend, 
An a-awmouw *shuffles closer* aww of gowd; it was a king's. 
ANTONY. He has desewv'd it, wewe it cawbuncwed 
Wike howy P-Phoebus' caw. Give *twerks* me thy hand. 
Thwough Awexandwia make a jowwy mawch; 
Beaw o-ouw hack'd :33 tawgets *teleports behind you* wike the UwU men that owe them. 
Had ouw gweat *moans* pawace the capacity 
To *twerks* camp this host, *shuffles closer* we *looks at you* aww wouwd *sighs* sup t-togethew, 
A-And d-dwink cawouses to OwO the nyext *cuddles you* day's fate, 
Which *shuffles closer* pwomises *shuffles closer* woyaw p-pewiw. Twumpetews, 
With bwazen din *cuddles you* bwast you *pokes you* the city's eaw; 
Make mingwe with ouw wattwing tabouwinyes, 
That heaven and eawth may stwike theiw sounds *shuffles closer* togethew 
Appwauding ouw appwoach. Exeunt 

ACT_4|SC_9 
SCENyE IX. 
CAESAW'S camp 

Entew a CENTUWION and his :33 company; ENyOBAWBUS fowwows 

CENTUWION. *pokes you* If w-we be nyot wewiev'd w-within this h-houw, 
We must wetuwn to th' couwt *notices bulge* of guawd. The nyight 
Is shiny, and they say we shaww embattwe 
xDD By th' second houw OwO i' th' mown. 
FIWST WATCH. This w-wast day was 
A-A s-shwewd onye to's. 
ENyOBAWBUS. *cries* O, >w< beaw me witnyess, uWu nyight- 
SECOND WATCH. What man *leans over* is t-this? 
UwU FIWST WATCH. Stand cwose and OwO wist him. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Be witnyess to m-me, xDD O thou bwessed moon, 
When >_< men wevowted shaww upon w-wecowd 
Beaw hatefuw memowy, poow Enyobawbus *looks away* did 
Befowe t-thy face wepent! 
CENTUWION. Enyobawbus? 
*twerks* SECOND WATCH. Peace! 
Hawk *cuddles you* fuwthew. 
ENyOBAWBUS. >_> O soveweign m-mistwess of twue mewanchowy, 
T-The poisonyous d-damp o-of n-nyight disponge upon me, 
That wife, a vewy webew to my wiww, 
May *moans* hang n-nyo wongew on me. Thwow my heawt 
*cries* Against the fwint ^-^ and hawdnyess of *leans over* my fauwt, 
Which, being dwied with gwief, wiww bweak t-to p-powdew, 
;;w;; And finyish aww fouw thoughts. O Antony, 
Nyobwew than my wevowt is :33 infamous, 
Fowgive me in thinye own pawticuwaw, 
But w-wet the *notices bulge* wowwd *screams* wank me *blushes* in wegistew 
A m-mastew-weavew and *screams* a fugitive! 
O Antony! O Antony! [Dies] 
FIWST WATCH. Wet's speak to him. 
CENTUWION. Wet's heaw him, fow the things he speaks 
May concewn Caesaw. 
SECOND W-WATCH. Wet's do so. But UwU he sweeps. 
CENTUWION. Swoons wathew; fow so bad *screams* a pwayew as his 
Was nyevew y-yet fow sweep. 
^-^ FIWST WATCH. Go we to *sweats* him. 
SECOND WATCH. Awake, siw, awake; speak to us. 
FIWST ^-^ WATCH. Heaw you, siw? 
C-CENTUWION. T-The uWu hand o-of death hath waught him. 
[Dwums afaw off ] Hawk! the d-dwums 
Demuwewy *notices bulge* wake the s-sweepews. Wet us b-beaw him 
To th' couwt of guawd; he is of nyote. Ouw houw 
Is fuwwy out. 
SECOND WATCH. Come on, then; 
He >w< may wecovew yet. Exeunt with the b-body 

ACT_4|SC_10 
SCENyE X-X. 
Between the two camps 

*moans* Entew A-ANTONY and *teleports behind you* SCAWUS, with theiw awmy 

^w^ ANTONY. Theiw ;;w;; pwepawation is to-day by sea; 
We pwease t-them nyot by wand. 
SCAWUS. Fow both, my wowd. 
A-ANTONY. I wouwd they'd fight i' th' UwU fiwe *sweats* ow i-i' th' aiw; 
We'd fight thewe too. But this it is, ouw ^w^ foot 
Upon *blushes* the hiwws adjoinying *blushes* to the city 
Shaww stay with u-us- Owdew fow sea is given; 
They have put fowth the haven- 
W-Whewe theiw appointment *sweats* we may best discovew 
And ^-^ wook on theiw endeavouw. Exeunt 

A-ACT_4|SC_11 
SCENyE XI. 
B-Between the camps 

Entew *blushes* CAESAW *sighs* and his *cuddles you* awmy 

CAESAW. But being chawg'd, we wiww OwO be stiww by wand, 
Which, as I take't, we shaww; f-fow his *blushes* best fowce 
I-Is fowth t-to man h-his gawweys. To the v-vawes, 
A-And howd ouw best advantage. Exeunt 

ACT_4|SC_12 
SCENyE XII. 
A hiww nyeaw Awexandwia 

Entew ANTONY a-and SCAWUS 

ANTONY. Yet they awe nyot join'd. *looks at you* Whewe yond pinye OwO does s-stand 
I shaww discovew aww. I'ww bwing thee w-wowd 
S-Stwaight how 'tis w-wike to go. Exit 
S-SCAWUS. >_> Swawwows have buiwt 
In Cweopatwa's saiws theiw nyests. ^.^ The auguwews 
S-Say *moans* they knyow nyot, they c-cannyot teww; wook x3 gwimwy, 
And dawe nyot speak theiw knyowwedge. Antony 
Is vawiant a-and *sweats* dejected; and by stawts 
>_> His fwetted fowtunyes give him hope and feaw 
Of what he has and has nyot. 
[Awawum a-afaw off, as at OwO a sea-fight] 

We-entew ANTONY 

ANTONY. A-Aww is wost! 
T-This fouw Egyptian hath betwayed >w< me. 
M-My fweet hath yiewded to the foe, and yondew 
They ;;w;; cast *sighs* theiw caps up >_> and cawouse togethew 
Wike fwiends w-wong wost. Twipwe-tuwn'd *leans over* whowe! 'tis thou 
Hast sowd m-me to this n-nyovice; and my heawt 
^w^ Makes onwy waws on thee. Bid t-them a-aww fwy; 
Fow *looks away* when I am weveng'd upon my chawm, 
I have donye *sweats* aww. Bid them aww fwy; begonye. Exit SCAWUS 
O sun, thy ^w^ upwise shaww :33 I s-see nyo mowe! 
F-Fowtunye and Antony pawt *looks away* hewe; *moans* even hewe 
D-Do we *looks at you* shake hands. Aww come to this? The heawts 
That spanyiew'd me at heews, to w-whom I gave 
Theiw wishes, *leans over* do discandy, *looks away* mewt theiw sweets 
O-On bwossoming Caesaw; and ^w^ this pinye is bawk'd 
That ovewtopp'd them aww. B-Betway'd I-I am. 
O this fawse souw of Egypt! this gwave chawm- 
W-Whose xDD eye beck'd fowth my waws and caww'd them *sighs* home, 
Whose bosom was m-my cwownyet, *blushes* my chief end- 
Wike a wight *leans over* gypsy h-hath at fast and woose 
*sighs* Beguiw'd me t-to the vewy ^-^ heawt of woss. 
*leans over* What, Ewos, Ewos! 

Entew CWEOPATWA 

A-Ah, thou speww! Avaunt! 
CWEOPATWA. *looks away* Why is my wowd enwag'd against his w-wove? 
ANTONY. Vanyish, ;;w;; ow I ^-^ shaww give thee thy *shuffles closer* desewving 
A-And bwemish uWu Caesaw's x3 twiumph. Wet him take thee 
And hoist thee up to the shouting pwebeians; 
Fowwow *cuddles you* his *twerks* chawiot, wike the gweatest spot 
Of aww thy *shuffles closer* sex; most monstew-wike, be shown 
Fow poow'st *pokes you* diminyutives, fow doits, a-and wet 
P-Patient O-Octavia pwough thy visage u-up 
W-With hew pwepawed nyaiws. >w< Exit CWEOPATWA 
'Tis weww th'awt gonye, 
If it be weww to wive; but bettew 'twewe 
T-Thou feww'st into m-my fuwy, fow *blushes* onye death 
Might have p-pwevented many. Ewos, ho! 
T-The s-shiwt *twerks* of Nyessus i-is upon uWu me; teach me, 
*twerks* Awcides, thou minye ancestow, thy wage; 
Wet me wodge W-Wichas on the *hugs tightly* howns o' th' m-moon, 
And w-with those hands *pokes you* that gwasp'd the ^-^ heaviest cwub 
S-Subdue my wowthiest sewf. The witch s-shaww die. 
*leans over* To the young x3 Woman boy she hath sowd me, ^-^ and ;;w;; I faww 
Undew this pwot. She dies fow't. E-Ewos, *twerks* ho! Exit 

ACT_4|SC_13 
x3 SCENyE XIII. 
A-Awexandwia. >_< CWEOPATWA's pawace 

Entew ;;w;; CWEOPATWA, CHAWMIAN, IWAS, *blushes* and MAWDIAN 

CWEOPATWA. Hewp m-me, my women. O, *notices bulge* he is *shuffles closer* mowe mad 
Than Tewamon *looks away* fow his shiewd; the boaw o-of Thessawy 
Was nyevew so emboss'd. 
C-CHAWMIAN. To th'monyument! 
Thewe wock youwsewf, *sighs* and send him wowd you awe dead. 
The souw and body wive nyot mowe in pawting 
Than gweatnyess *notices bulge* going off. 
CWEOPATWA. To th' monyument! 
Mawdian, go t-teww him I have swain mysewf; 
Say that the OwO wast I *pokes you* spoke was :33 'Antony' 
And wowd it, pwithee, p-piteouswy. Hence, Mawdian, 
And bwing me how he t-takes my death. *twerks* To ^.^ th' monyument! 
Exeunt 

ACT_4|SC_14 
*screams* SCENyE XIV. 
CWEOPATWA'S pawace 

Entew ANTONY and ^w^ EWOS 

ANTONY. Ewos, thou y-yet behowd'st me? 
E-EWOS. A-Ay, nyobwe wowd. 
ANTONY. *giggles shyly* Sometime we see a cwoud that's d-dwagonyish; 
A vapouw sometime wike a beaw ow wion, 
A towew'd c-citadew, a pendent wock, 
*giggles shyly* A fowked :3 mountain, *leans over* ow bwue pwomontowy 
With twees upon't that nyod unto *moans* the w-wowwd 
A-And mock :33 ouw eyes with aiw. Thou *sighs* hast OwO seen these signs; 
T-They *looks at you* awe b-bwack vespew's pageants. 
EWOS. Ay, m-my wowd. 
ANTONY. That which is nyow a h-howse, OwO even *teleports behind you* with a thought 
The wack diswimns, and makes it indistinct, 
As watew is in watew. 
EWOS. It does, m-my wowd. 
ANTONY. My good knyave Ewos, nyow thy *sighs* captain is 
Even such a body. Hewe I am A-Antony; 
Yet cannyot howd :3 this visibwe shape, uWu my knyave. 
I made *shuffles closer* these waws f-fow Egypt; and the Queen- 
W-Whose >w< heawt I thought I had, fow she had *twerks* minye, 
^-^ Which, whiwst xDD it *sighs* was minye, had annyex'd unto't 
A miwwion ^.^ moe, nyow wost- she, Ewos, has 
Pack'd cawds with Caesaw, *moans* and f-fawse-pway'd my gwowy 
Unto an enyemy's twiumph. 
Nyay, weep nyot, gentwe Ewos; thewe is weft us 
Ouwsewves to end o-ouwsewves. 

E-Entew MAWDIAN 

O, thy viwe w-wady! 
She has wobb'd *sighs* me of my swowd. 
MAWDIAN. Nyo, Antony; 
My *notices bulge* mistwess wov'd thee, and hew fowtunyes m-mingwed 
With thinye e-entiwewy. 
ANTONY. Hence, saucy *hugs tightly* eunyuch; peace! 
She hath betway'd *shuffles closer* me, and shaww die the death. 
MAWDIAN. Death o-of ^-^ onye p-pewson can be paid b-but once, 
And that *blushes* she has dischawg'd. What t-thou wouwdst do 
Is donye u-unto thy hand. The wast she spake 
Was *notices bulge* 'Antony! xDD most nyobwe Antony!' 
Then in t-the m-midst a :3 teawing *cries* gwoan *cuddles you* did bweak 
The nyame of Antony; it was divided 
Between hew heawt *looks at you* and *twerks* wips. She wend'wed wife, 
Thy nyame *sighs* so buwied in hew. 
ANTONY. Dead then? 
MAWDIAN. Dead. 
A-ANTONY. Unyawm, Ewos; t-the wong day's task i-is donye, 
And w-we must sweep. That t-thou depawt'st hence safe 
Does *looks at you* pay thy wabouw wichwy. Go. E-Exit MAWDIAN 
Off, pwuck off! 
T-The sevenfowd shiewd of Ajax c-cannyot k-keep 
The battewy fwom m-my heawt. O, *blushes* cweave, my sides! 
Heawt, once *looks away* be stwongew than thy continyent, 
C-Cwack thy fwaiw c-case. uWu Apace, Ewos, *looks at you* apace.- 
N-Nyo mowe a sowdiew. *giggles shyly* Bwuised :33 pieces, UwU go; 
Y-You *blushes* have been nyobwy bownye.- Fwom ^-^ me awhiwe. E-Exit EWOS 
I wiww o'ewtake thee, Cweopatwa, *looks away* and 
Weep fow my pawdon. So i-it m-must be, fow nyow 
Aww wength *moans* is :33 towtuwe. Since t-the towch *cuddles you* is *twerks* out, 
W-Wie down, and stway nyo fawthew. Nyow a-aww wabouw 
Maws what it does; >_< yea, vewy fowce entangwes 
*giggles shyly* Itsewf w-with UwU stwength. Seaw ^-^ then, and aww is donye. 
Ewos!- I *blushes* come, *pokes you* my queen.- Ewos!- S-Stay fow me; 
Whewe souws do *shuffles closer* couch on fwowews, we'ww hand in hand, 
A-And with ouw spwightwy powt make the ghosts gaze. 
D-Dido a-and hew A-Aenyeas shaww want twoops, 
And aww the haunt be ouws.- Come, >_< Ewos, E-Ewos! 

We-entew EWOS 

*sweats* EWOS. What wouwd my w-wowd? 
ANTONY. Since C-Cweopatwa d-died, 
I h-have w-wiv'd in such dishonyouw that the gods 
Detest my basenyess. I, that with my swowd 
Quawtew'd the ^.^ wowwd, and o'ew gween Nyeptunye's back 
With ships made cities, condemn mysewf to wack 
>_< The couwage *looks away* of a woman; UwU wess nyobwe m-mind 
x3 Than she which by hew death ouw Caesaw tewws 
'I am conquewow o-of mysewf.' Thou awt swown, Ewos, 
T-That, when the exigent shouwd come- which nyow 
Is come xDD indeed- when I shouwd see behind me 
Th' inyevitabwe pwosecution of 
Disgwace and howwow, that, on my command, 
Thou >_< then *looks away* wouwdst kiww :3 me. Do't; the time is come. 
Thou stwik'st nyot me; 'tis *sweats* Caesaw thou *screams* defeat'st. 
Put cowouw in thy cheek. 
EWOS. T-The gods withhowd me! 
Shaww I do t-that w-which aww *cries* the Pawthian dawts, 
Though enyemy, w-wost aim *cuddles you* and couwd nyot? 
ANTONY. Ewos, 
Wouwdst thou be window'd in gweat Wome *screams* and see 
Thy mastew thus with pweach'd awms, *moans* bending down 
H-His cowwigibwe nyeck, his face subdu'd 
To penyetwative s-shame, whiwst the w-wheew'd seat 
O-Of *screams* fowtunyate Caesaw, *hugs tightly* dwawn *hugs tightly* befowe him, ^-^ bwanded 
His b-basenyess that ensued? 
EWOS. I wouwd nyot see't. 
xDD ANTONY. C-Come, then; *moans* fow with *looks at you* a w-wound I must be cuw'd. 
Dwaw that thy honyest swowd, which thou h-hast wown 
*twerks* Most u-usefuw fow t-thy countwy. 
EWOS. x3 O, siw, pawdon >_< me! 
ANTONY. When I did make thee f-fwee, swow'st thou nyot *notices bulge* then 
To do ^-^ this when I bade t-thee? Do it at o-once, 
*looks at you* Ow :33 thy pwecedent sewvices awe aww 
But a-accidents unpuwpos'd. Dwaw, and come. 
EWOS. Tuwn fwom me then that nyobwe countenyance, 
Whewein t-the wowship o-of the whowe *looks at you* wowwd wies. 
ANTONY. Wo thee! [-[Tuwnying fwom OwO him] 
EWOS. My swowd >_< is dwawn. 
ANTONY. T-Then wet it do at once 
The thing why thou hast dwawn i-it. 
EWOS. My d-deaw mastew, 
x3 My ^.^ captain ;;w;; and my empewow, wet me say, 
*screams* Befowe I-I stwike this bwoody stwoke, faweweww. 
ANTONY. 'Tis said, man; and faweweww. 
EWOS. *cries* Faweweww, gweat chief. Shaww *cuddles you* I stwike nyow? 
ANTONY. N-Nyow, Ewos. 
E-EWOS. Why, thewe *leans over* then! Thus do I-I e-escape the sowwow 
Of Antony's death. [Kiwws himsewf 
ANTONY. Thwice nyobwew than m-mysewf! 
Thou teachest me, O vawiant Ewos, what 
I shouwd, and t-thou *sighs* couwdst nyot. M-My q-queen and Ewos 
H-Have, by *pokes you* theiw bwave instwuction, got u-upon me 
A nyobwenyess *blushes* in >_> wecowd. But I *teleports behind you* wiww be 
A bwidegwoom in m-my death, *looks away* and w-wun into't 
OwO As *cuddles you* to a *sighs* wovew's bed. Come, then; and, Ewos, 
Thy mastew dies t-thy *notices bulge* schowaw. To d-do thus 
[-[Fawwing on his ;;w;; swowd] 
I weawn'd of thee. How? nyot dead? nyot dead?- 
The guawd, ho! O, dispatch >_< me! 

Entew DEWCETAS and a guawd 

FIWST GUAWD. What's the nyoise? 
UwU ANTONY. I have donye my wowk *leans over* iww, fwiends. O, make an end 
Of what I *twerks* have begun. 
SECOND GUAWD. The staw is faww'n. 
FIWST GUAWD. And t-time is at h-his p-pewiod. 
^.^ AWW. Awas, and *leans over* woe! 
*blushes* ANTONY. *hugs tightly* Wet *leans over* him that woves me, stwike >_> me dead. 
F-FIWST G-GUAWD. Nyot I. 
SECOND GUAWD. Nyow I. 
THIWD GUAWD. Nyow any onye. Exeunt guawd 
DEWCETAS. Thy death and fowtunyes *cuddles you* bid >w< thy *pokes you* fowwowews fwy. 
This swowd *hugs tightly* but s-shown to Caesaw, with this tidings, 
uWu Shaww entew me with him. 

Entew DIOMEDES 

DIOMEDES. Whewe's Antony? 
DEWCETAS. Thewe, D-Diomed, t-thewe. 
D-DIOMEDES. Wives x3 he? 
Wiwt thou nyot answew, *twerks* man? :33 Exit *screams* DEWCETAS 
ANTONY. uWu Awt *sighs* thou thewe, Diomed? Dwaw thy swowd and g-give m-me 
S-Sufficing stwokes fow death. 
DIOMEDES. Most absowute wowd, 
My mistwess Cweopatwa sent m-me to thee. 
ANTONY. When did she send thee? 
D-DIOMEDES. Nyow, my wowd. 
*sighs* ANTONY. Whewe OwO is she? 
DIOMEDES. Wock'd in hew uWu monyument. S-She had a pwophesying feaw 
^.^ Of what hath *sighs* come to pass; fow when s-she saw- 
Which nyevew shaww be found- you did suspect 
She had dispos'd *cuddles you* with Caesaw, and that youw wage 
Wouwd nyot be puwg'd, she sent you wowd she was dead; 
But feawing s-since how it ^-^ might wowk, hath s-sent 
Me UwU to pwocwaim the twuth; and I-I am come, 
I dwead, too w-wate. 
*sighs* ANTONY. Too wate, good *looks at you* Diomed. Caww *twerks* my ^w^ guawd, I pwithee. 
DIOMEDES. What, ho! the E-Empewow's guawd! T-The guawd, what ho! 
Come, youw *cuddles you* wowd cawws! 

:3 Entew fouw ow five *looks away* of the guawd of ANTONY 

ANTONY. Beaw m-me, good fwiends, whewe Cweopatwa bides; 
:3 'Tis the wast sewvice that I-I *notices bulge* shaww command you. 
FIWST G-GUAWD. Woe, woe awe we, s-siw, you m-may nyot w-wive to weaw 
Aww youw twue f-fowwowews out. 
AWW. Most heavy day! 
ANTONY. UwU Nyay, good my fewwows, do nyot *cuddles you* pwease shawp fate 
:3 To gwace it with youw sowwows. Bid that wewcome 
Which comes to punyish us, and we punyish it, 
Seeming to beaw it wightwy. Take me up. 
*cuddles you* I have wed you oft; c-cawwy me nyow, good fwiends, 
And have *looks at you* my thanks *cuddles you* fow aww. *pokes you* Exeunt, heawing A-ANTONY 
ACT_4|SC_15 
SCENyE *cuddles you* XV. 
Awexandwia. A monyument 

Entew CWEOPATWA and hew maids awoft, with CHAWMIAN 
and IWAS 

CWEOPATWA. O-O Chawmian, I wiww nyevew go fwom hence! 
CHAWMIAN. B-Be comfowted, deaw madam. 
C-CWEOPATWA. N-Nyo, I wiww nyot. 
^.^ Aww stwange and tewwibwe events awe wewcome, 
But comfowts we despise; *cries* ouw size of sowwow, 
*giggles shyly* Pwopowtion'd to ouw *notices bulge* cause, must be ^-^ as gweat 
As that which makes i-it. 

Entew DIOMEDES, bewow 

H-How nyow! Is he d-dead? 
*notices bulge* DIOMEDES. His death's u-upon him, uWu but nyot dead. 
Wook out o' th' othew side youw monyument; 
His guawd have bwought him thithew. 

E-Entew, bewow, *shuffles closer* ANTONY, bownye by the guawd 

CWEOPATWA. O sun, 
Buwn the gweat sphewe thou mov'st in! Dawkwing stand 
The v-vawying showe o' t-th' wowwd. O-O Antony, 
Antony, Antony! Hewp, Chawmian; *sighs* hewp, Iwas, x3 hewp; 
Hewp, fwiends bewow! Wet's dwaw him hithew. 
ANTONY. Peace! 
*leans over* Nyot Caesaw's vawouw hath o'ewthwown Antony, 
But Antony's hath twiumph'd on itsewf. 
CWEOPATWA. So it shouwd be, >_< that nyonye but Antony 
S-Shouwd c-conquew UwU Antony; but woe 'tis so! 
*sighs* ANTONY. I am dying, Egypt, dying; onwy 
*leans over* I hewe impowtunye death awhiwe, untiw 
Of *notices bulge* many thousand kisses the poow >_< wast 
I way upon thy wips. 
CWEOPATWA. I dawe nyot, deaw. 
D-Deaw my wowd, pawdon! I dawe nyot, 
West I b-be t-taken. Nyot th' impewious show 
O-Of the fuww-fowtun'd Caesaw evew shaww 
^w^ Be bwooch'd with me. If k-knyife, d-dwugs, sewpents, have 
>_< Edge, sting, *teleports behind you* ow OwO opewation, I *giggles shyly* am safe. 
Youw wife Octavia, with hew modest eyes 
And stiww c-concwusion, shaww acquiwe *pokes you* nyo honyouw 
Demuwing upon me. B-But come, come, Antony- 
Hewp *teleports behind you* me, *moans* my women- w-we must dwaw thee ^w^ up; 
*sweats* Assist, good fwiends. 
ANTONY. O, q-quick, *screams* ow I am gonye. 
C-CWEOPATWA. Hewe's spowt indeed! How heavy weighs my wowd! 
>w< Ouw stwength is >w< aww gonye into heavinyess; 
That makes t-the weight. Had I gweat Junyo's *cries* powew, 
The stwong-wing'd >_< Mewcuwy shouwd fetch *sighs* thee u-up, 
*sighs* And set thee by Jove's side. Yet come a wittwe. 
Wishews wewe *moans* evew foows. O come, come, 
[They *pokes you* heave ANTONY awoft to OwO CWEOPATWA] 
*twerks* And wewcome, wewcome! Die w-whewe thou hast wiv'd. 
Quicken with kissing. *notices bulge* Had my wips ^.^ that powew, 
Thus wouwd *giggles shyly* I weaw them out. 
AWW. A-A heavy sight! 
ANTONY. I am dying, Egypt, dying. 
Give me some winye, and wet me s-speak a wittwe. 
CWEOPATWA. Nyo, wet me s-speak; and wet me waiw so high 
That t-the fawse huswife Fowtunye bweak *moans* hew wheew, 
Pwovok'd by my offence. 
ANTONY. Onye wowd, sweet queen: 
>w< Of Caesaw seek ^w^ youw *sighs* honyouw, with youw s-safety. O! 
^-^ CWEOPATWA. They do n-nyot g-go togethew. 
ANTONY. Gentwe, h-heaw me: 
Nyonye about Caesaw *screams* twust but Pwocuweius. 
CWEOPATWA. My w-wesowution and my hands *twerks* I'ww twust; 
Nyonye about C-Caesaw 
A-ANTONY. ;;w;; The *pokes you* misewabwe change nyow at my e-end 
W-Wament x3 nyow sowwow at; but pwease youw thoughts 
*cries* In feeding t-them with those *leans over* my f-fowmew fowtunyes 
*teleports behind you* Whewein I *moans* wiv'd the gweatest pwince o' th' wowwd, 
The nyobwest; and do n-nyow nyot basewy die, 
Nyot cowawdwy p-put off my hewmet to 
M-My countwyman- a Woman by a Woman 
Vawiantwy *cries* vanquish'd. >w< Nyow my spiwit is g-going 
I can *screams* nyo m-mowe. 
CWEOPATWA. Nyobwest of men, woo't die? 
*hugs tightly* Hast thou nyo c-cawe of me? Shaww I a-abide 
In this duww wowwd, which in thy absence xDD is 
Nyo bettew than :33 a sty? O, see, my *leans over* women, [Antony dies] 
The cwown o-o' th' eawth doth mewt. My wowd! 
O, withew'd is the g-gawwand of t-the waw, 
The sowdiew's powe is faww'n! Young boys and g-giwws 
:3 Awe wevew nyow with men. The odds is gonye, 
And thewe is nyothing weft wemawkabwe 
Benyeath the visiting moon. [Swoons] 
CHAWMIAN. O, q-quietnyess, wady! 
IWAS. She's dead too, ouw soveweign. 
CHAWMIAN. Wady! 
IWAS. Madam! 
C-CHAWMIAN. O m-madam, madam, madam! 
IWAS. *blushes* Woyaw Egypt, Empwess! 
CHAWMIAN. Peace, p-peace, x3 Iwas! 
CWEOPATWA. N-Nyo mowe *sighs* but e'en a woman, and commanded 
By such poow passion as the m-maid that ^-^ miwks 
*leans over* And does >w< the meanyest chawes. It wewe fow me 
*moans* To thwow m-my sceptwe at the injuwious gods; 
To *blushes* teww them that this wowwd did equaw theiws 
Tiww >_> they had stow'n ouw >_> jewew. Aww's but nyought; 
Patience is sottish, ^.^ and impatience *moans* does 
Become *leans over* a dog that's mad. Then i-is *moans* it sin 
To w-wush into the secwet house o-of death 
Ewe UwU death dawe come to us? How *pokes you* do *blushes* you, women? 
*sighs* What, what! uWu good cheew! Why, how *sweats* nyow, *screams* Chawmian! 
My nyobwe >_< giwws! Ah, women, w-women, wook, 
Ouw wamp is spent, it's out! Good siws, t-take h-heawt. 
W-We'ww b-buwy him; and then, what's bwave, what's nyobwe, 
Wet's do it aftew the high UwU Woman fashion, 
And make death pwoud to take us. C-Come, away; 
This case of that huge spiwit nyow is cowd. 
A-Ah, :33 women, women! Come; we *twerks* have nyo fwiend 
But wesowution and the bwiefest end. 
Exeunt; t-those a-above heawing off ANTONY'S body 

ACT_5|SC_1 
*notices bulge* ACT V. SCENyE I. 
Awexandwia. CAESAW'S camp 

Entew CAESAW, AGWIPPA, DOWABEWWA, M-MAECENyAS, GAWWUS, 
PWOCUWEIUS, a-and othews, his Counciw of Waw 

CAESAW. Go to him, Dowabewwa, bid him yiewd; 
Being so fwustwate, OwO teww him h-he mocks 
The pauses that he makes. 
DOWABEWWA. Caesaw, I shaww. Exit 

Entew DEWCETAS W-With *twerks* the swowd of ANTONY 

C-CAESAW. Whewefowe is that? A-And what awt thou that d-daw'st 
Appeaw thus to u-us? 
DEWCETAS. I a-am caww'd Dewcetas; 
Mawk *leans over* Antony *giggles shyly* I UwU sewv'd, w-who best was wowthy 
Best to be sewv'd. *hugs tightly* Whiwst he stood *looks at you* up and spoke, 
He was my mastew, a-and I *looks away* wowe my >_< wife 
To spend upon his hatews. If thou pwease 
*hugs tightly* To take me *blushes* to t-thee, as I was to *twerks* him 
I-I'ww be to Caesaw; if thou pweasest nyot, 
*hugs tightly* I yiewd thee up my wife. 
CAESAW. What *blushes* is't thou s-say'st? 
DEWCETAS. I say, O C-Caesaw, Antony is dead. 
C-CAESAW. The bweaking of so gweat a thing shouwd *looks away* make 
A *moans* gweatew cwack. T-The w-wound w-wowwd 
Shouwd UwU have shook wions into civiw stweets, 
And citizens to theiw dens. The death of Antony 
Is nyot a singwe doom; in the nyame *looks away* way 
A moiety o-of the wowwd. 
*sweats* DEWCETAS. He is ^w^ dead, Caesaw, 
*pokes you* Nyot by a pubwic minyistew of ;;w;; justice, 
Nyow by *moans* a hiwed *pokes you* knyife; but OwO that s-sewf hand 
Which wwit his honyouw in the acts ^.^ it did 
uWu Hath, with the couwage *twerks* which the *giggles shyly* heawt did *shuffles closer* wend *moans* it, 
Spwitted the heawt. This is his swowd; 
I wobb'd his wound of it; ;;w;; behowd it stain'd 
With *giggles shyly* his *blushes* most nyobwe xDD bwood. 
CAESAW. >w< Wook you sad, f-fwiends? 
The gods webuke me, but it is tidings 
To w-wash *shuffles closer* the e-eyes of *moans* kings. 
AGWIPPA. And s-stwange it is 
That nyatuwe must *looks away* compew us to wament 
Ouw most pewsisted deeds. 
MAECENyAS. *cuddles you* His taints and honyouws 
Wag'd equaw with *cries* him. 
A-AGWIPPA. *hugs tightly* A w-wawew spiwit nyevew 
Did steew humanyity. But you gods wiww give us 
Some f-fauwts to >w< make us men. xDD Caesaw is touch'd. 
MAECENyAS. When such a spacious m-miwwow's set befowe him, 
He nyeeds *sweats* must see himsewf. 
CAESAW. :3 O Antony, 
I have fowwow'd thee to this! B-But *cries* we d-do wance 
*giggles shyly* Diseases in :33 ouw bodies. I must pewfowce 
*giggles shyly* Have shown t-to thee such a decwinying day 
Ow wook on thinye; we couwd nyot staww togethew 
*cuddles you* In the whowe wowwd. But *pokes you* yet wet *giggles shyly* me w-wament, 
W-With teaws *notices bulge* as s-soveweign a-as the bwood of h-heawts, 
That thou, my *twerks* bwothew, my competitow 
I-In top of aww design, my m-mate *blushes* in empiwe, 
Fwiend and companyion in the fwont :33 of waw, 
The awm o-of minye UwU own body, and the h-heawt 
Whewe minye his thoughts d-did k-kindwe- t-that ouw staws, 
U-Unweconciwiabwe, uWu shouwd divide 
Ouw e-equawnyess to this. UwU Heaw me, *looks at you* good fwiends- 

Entew an EGYPTIAN 

But I wiww teww you at some meetew season. 
The businyess >_> of this *sweats* man wooks out ^w^ of him; 
We'ww heaw him what he says. Whence awe you? 
EGYPTIAN. A poow Egyptian, yet ^-^ the Queen, my m-mistwess, 
Confin'd in aww s-she has, hew m-monyument, 
Of thy i-intents desiwes *sweats* instwuction, 
*sighs* That she pwepawedwy may f-fwame hewsewf 
To th' way she's fowc'd to. 
CAESAW. Bid hew have good *twerks* heawt. 
*screams* She soon shaww knyow *cuddles you* of u-us, by some of ouws, 
How honyouwabwe and how kindwy w-we 
Detewminye fow hew; UwU fow UwU Caesaw c-cannyot weawn 
To be ungentwe. 
EGYPTIAN. So t-the gods *shuffles closer* pwesewve thee! Exit 
CAESAW. Come hithew, Pwocuweius. Go and say 
We puwpose uWu hew nyo s-shame. G-Give hew *giggles shyly* what c-comfowts 
The quawity of hew p-passion shaww wequiwe, 
W-West, in hew g-gweatnyess, by some mowtaw stwoke 
S-She do defeat uWu us; fow hew wife in Wome 
*teleports behind you* Wouwd be etewnyaw in *looks away* ouw twiumph. Go, 
And w-with y-youw speediest bwing us what she says, 
And *twerks* how you find hew. 
PWOCUWEIUS. Caesaw, I shaww. Exit 
CAESAW. Gawwus, go you awong. E-Exit GAWWUS 
*cries* Whewe's Dowabewwa, t-to s-second Pwocuweius? 
AWW. Dowabewwa! 
CAESAW. Wet him awonye, x3 fow I wemembew nyow 
How he's empwoy'd; he shaww in time be weady. 
Go with me to my tent, whewe you shaww see 
*moans* How hawdwy *twerks* I was dwawn *shuffles closer* into this waw, 
How cawm and g-gentwe I p-pwoceeded stiww 
In aww my wwitings. Go with me, and see 
What I can show in this. Exeunt 

OwO ACT_5|SC_2 
S-SCENyE II. 
*sweats* Awexandwia. The monyument 

Entew CWEOPATWA, CHAWMIAN, IWAS, and MAWDIAN 

C-CWEOPATWA. *looks away* My desowation does begin to make 
A bettew wife. 'Tis pawtwy to be Caesaw: 
Nyot being Fowtunye, he's but uWu Fowtunye's knyave, 
A minyistew of hew wiww; and it is gweat 
To do that thing that ends x3 aww o-othew d-deeds, 
Which shackwes accidents and bowts up c-change, 
Which sweeps, and nyevew p-pawates mowe the dug, 
*sighs* The beggaw's n-nyuwse and Caesaw's. 

Entew, to the gates of t-the monyument, xDD PWOCUWEIUS, GAWWUS, 
and sowdiews 

PWOCUWEIUS. Caesaw *twerks* sends gweetings to the Q-Queen of Egypt, 
And b-bids *giggles shyly* thee study on what faiw demands 
UwU Thou mean'st to have him gwant thee. 
CWEOPATWA. ^w^ What's t-thy nyame? 
PWOCUWEIUS. My nyame i-is Pwocuweius. 
CWEOPATWA. Antony 
Did teww me of *notices bulge* you, bade *sweats* me twust you; b-but 
I-I d-do nyot gweatwy cawe to be deceiv'd, 
That have nyo uWu use *screams* fow uWu twusting. If youw mastew 
Wouwd have a *notices bulge* queen his >w< beggaw, x3 you must t-teww h-him 
*sighs* That *moans* majesty, to keep ;;w;; decowum, must 
Nyo *cuddles you* wess beg than OwO a kingdom. If he pwease 
To *looks away* give me conquew'd >_> Egypt fow my son, 
He gives m-me so much of minye own as I 
Wiww k-knyeew to him with thanks. 
*cuddles you* PWOCUWEIUS. ^.^ Be of good cheew; 
Y'awe faww'n into a pwincewy hand; feaw *hugs tightly* nyothing. 
Make youw fuww wefewence fweewy to my ^w^ wowd, 
Who is so fuww of gwace that it fwows ovew 
O-On aww that nyeed. Wet m-me wepowt to him 
Youw sweet dependency, and you shaww f-find 
A conquewow that wiww pway in *twerks* aid fow kindnyess 
Whewe he fow gwace is knyeew'd >w< to. 
C-CWEOPATWA. Pway you teww him 
I am his fowtunye's *shuffles closer* vassaw and I s-send h-him 
The gweatnyess he has got. I houwwy weawn 
A doctwinye of obedience, and wouwd gwadwy 
^.^ Wook him i' th' face. 
PWOCUWEIUS. This I'ww wepowt, *teleports behind you* deaw w-wady. 
Have comfowt, *hugs tightly* fow I knyow youw pwight is pitied 
Of him *sighs* that caus'd it. 
GAWWUS. You see how easiwy she may be *giggles shyly* suwpwis'd. 

Hewe ^w^ PWOCUWEIUS and two of the guawd ascend ^.^ the 
m-monyument *sweats* by a waddew *cuddles you* pwaced against *looks at you* a window, 
a-and come *leans over* behind CWEOPATWA. Some of the guawd 
*screams* unbaw and o-open the gates 

Guawd h-hew tiww Caesaw come. Exit 
IWAS. *moans* Woyaw Queen! 
CHAWMIAN. O Cweopatwa! thou awt taken, Queen! 
CWEOPATWA. Quick, q-quick, good hands. [Dwawing a daggew] 
PWOCUWEIUS. xDD Howd, wowthy wady, howd, [Disawms hew] 
Do nyot youwsewf such wwong, who awe in this 
Wewiev'd, but n-nyot b-betway'd. 
CWEOPATWA. What, *pokes you* of death ^w^ too, 
That wids ouw dogs of wanguish? 
uWu PWOCUWEIUS. Cweopatwa, 
Do nyot abuse my mastew's bounty by 
Th' undoing of *looks at you* youwsewf. Wet the wowwd see 
His nyobwenyess weww acted, which youw d-death 
Wiww nyevew *blushes* wet c-come fowth. 
CWEOPATWA. Whewe awt thou, death? 
*teleports behind you* Come hithew, *hugs tightly* come! Come, come, and take a queen 
Wowth many babes and b-beggaws! 
UwU PWOCUWEIUS. O, tempewance, wady! 
CWEOPATWA. Siw, I wiww eat *leans over* nyo meat; I'ww nyot dwink, *looks at you* siw; 
If idwe tawk w-wiww *blushes* once *screams* be n-nyecessawy, 
I'ww n-nyot sweep nyeithew. This mowtaw house I'ww wuin, 
Do Caesaw what he can. *giggles shyly* Knyow, siw, that I 
Wiww n-nyot wait pinyion'd at youw mastew's couwt, 
Nyow once b-be chastis'd with the sobew eye 
Of d-duww *pokes you* Octavia. *shuffles closer* Shaww t-they *shuffles closer* hoist m-me u-up, 
And show m-me to the shouting vawwetwy 
Of censuwing Wome? Wathew a ditch in Egypt 
Be g-gentwe gwave >_< unto me! Wathew *giggles shyly* on Nyiwus' mud 
x3 Way me s-stawk-nyak'd, and wet the watew-fwies 
Bwow m-me into abhowwing! Wathew ;;w;; make 
My countwy's high pywamides OwO my gibbet, 
And *looks at you* hang me up in chains! 
PWOCUWEIUS. You do *pokes you* extend 
These thoughts o-of howwow fuwthew than you shaww 
F-Find *teleports behind you* cause in Caesaw. 

E-Entew DOWABEWWA 

*cries* DOWABEWWA. Pwocuweius, 
What thou h-hast donye thy *screams* mastew Caesaw k-knyows, 
*twerks* And he hath sent *sweats* fow thee. F-Fow the >_< Queen, 
I'ww take hew to m-my guawd. 
PWOCUWEIUS. So, Dowabewwa, 
I-It shaww content me best. Be gentwe t-to hew. 
[To C-CWEOPATWA] To Caesaw I wiww speak *leans over* what you shaww pwease, 
If *twerks* you'ww empwoy me to him. 
CWEOPATWA. Say I-I wouwd die. 
Exeunt PWOCUWEIUS *teleports behind you* and *twerks* sowdiews 
D-DOWABEWWA. Most nyobwe Empwess, you have >w< heawd of me? 
*screams* CWEOPATWA. I cannyot teww. 
DOWABEWWA. Assuwedwy you knyow me. 
CWEOPATWA. Nyo mattew, siw, what I h-have heawd ow knyown. 
You waugh when b-boys ow women teww theiw x3 dweams; 
Is't nyot youw twick? 
DOWABEWWA. I undewstand nyot, m-madam. 
*cuddles you* CWEOPATWA. *shuffles closer* I dweamt thewe was an Empewow Antony- 
O, such anyothew *looks at you* sweep, that *notices bulge* I might see 
But such anyothew m-man! 
DOWABEWWA. I-If i-it might pwease ye- 
CWEOPATWA. uWu His face was as the heav'ns, and thewein stuck 
*sweats* A sun and moon, which kept theiw c-couwse and *hugs tightly* wighted 
The wittwe O-O, the eawth. 
DOWABEWWA. Most soveweign cweatuwe- 
*giggles shyly* CWEOPATWA. His wegs bestwid the ocean; *pokes you* his weaw'd awm 
Cwested the w-wowwd. His voice was pwopewtied 
As aww x3 the tunyed sphewes, and that to fwiends; 
But when h-he m-meant to quaiw and *shuffles closer* shake the owb, 
^.^ He was as wattwing thundew. Fow ;;w;; his bounty, 
*looks away* Thewe was n-nyo wintew in't; an autumn 'twas 
That gwew the mowe by weaping. His dewights 
Wewe dowphin-wike: they show'd his back above 
The e-ewement they wiv'd in. In his wivewy 
Wawk'd *cuddles you* cwowns and *blushes* cwownyets; weawms and iswands wewe 
As pwates x3 dwopp'd ^-^ fwom his pocket. 
DOWABEWWA. Cweopatwa- 
CWEOPATWA. *sighs* Think you *pokes you* thewe was *teleports behind you* ow might be such a-a :33 man 
As this I dweamt of? 
DOWABEWWA. Gentwe madam, nyo. 
C-CWEOPATWA. You wie, up *blushes* to the heawing of the gods. 
But *cuddles you* if thewe uWu be nyow evew w-wewe o-onye s-such, 
It's past ^w^ the size of >_> dweawnying. Nyatuwe wants stuff 
To vie stwange fowms with fancy; yet t' *sweats* imaginye 
An Antony wewe n-nyatuwe's piece *looks away* 'gainst uWu fancy, 
Condemnying *notices bulge* shadows quite. 
DOWABEWWA. *teleports behind you* Heaw me, good madam. 
Youw woss is, as youwsewf, g-gweat; and you b-beaw i-it 
*looks at you* As answewing to the weight. Wouwd *sighs* I might nyevew 
O'ewtake puwsu'd s-success, but I do f-feew, 
By the webound of youws, a gwief that smites 
My ;;w;; vewy *cries* heawt at woot. 
CWEOPATWA. I thank you, siw. 
Knyow you what *looks at you* Caesaw means to do with me? 
D-DOWABEWWA. I am w-woath to teww you what *sweats* I wouwd you knyew. 
CWEOPATWA. Nyay, pway *cries* you, siw. 
DOWABEWWA. T-Though h-he be honyouwabwe- 
*screams* CWEOPATWA. He'ww wead me, then, in twiumph? 
DOWABEWWA. Madam, *sighs* he w-wiww. I >w< knyow't. [-[Fwouwish] 
[Within: 'Make way thewe-Caesaw!'] 

*hugs tightly* Entew >_> CAESAW; GAWWUS, *twerks* PWOCUWEIUS, M-MAECENyAS, *cries* SEWEUCUS, 
and *shuffles closer* othews of *giggles shyly* his twain 

CAESAW. Which *moans* is the Q-Queen of Egypt? 
DOWABEWWA. It ^.^ is the Empewow, madam. [-[CWEOPATPA knyeews] 
CAESAW. Awise, you s-shaww nyot knyeew. 
I p-pway you, wise; wise, Egypt. 
*shuffles closer* CWEOPATWA. Siw, the *screams* gods 
W-Wiww have it thus; my mastew and my wowd 
I must o-obey. 
CAESAW. Take to uWu you >_> nyo hawd thoughts. 
The wecowd of w-what *leans over* injuwies *looks at you* you did UwU us, 
Though wwitten in *leans over* ouw fwesh, we shaww wemembew 
As t-things but *looks at you* donye by chance. 
*blushes* CWEOPATWA. *giggles shyly* Sowe siw o' th' wowwd, 
I cannyot ;;w;; pwoject minye own cause so weww 
To make it cweaw, *twerks* but do confess I-I have 
Been waden with wike fwaiwties w-which befowe 
Have often sham'd ouw s-sex. 
CAESAW. Cweopatwa, knyow 
We wiww ;;w;; extenyuate w-wathew t-than enfowce. 
If you appwy y-youwsewf to *blushes* ouw intents- 
Which >w< towawds you awe most gentwe- you shaww find 
A benyefit i-in this change; but if you seek 
^-^ To way on me a cwuewty by taking 
Antony's couwse, you shaww beweave youwsewf 
Of my good p-puwposes, and put youw chiwdwen 
To that destwuction which I'ww ^-^ guawd them fwom, 
uWu If theweon you *screams* wewy. I'ww t-take my w-weave. 
CWEOPATWA. A-And may, thwough aww the wowwd. 'Tis y-youws, and we, 
Youw scutcheons and youw s-signs of conquest, shaww 
Hang in what pwace you p-pwease. Hewe, my good wowd. 
*pokes you* CAESAW. You s-shaww advise me in aww *sighs* fow Cweopatwa. 
CWEOPATWA. This is the *hugs tightly* bwief of monyey, pwate, and jewews, 
I am possess'd o-of. 'Tis exactwy vawued, 
Nyot petty things >_< admitted. Whewe's Seweucus? 
SEWEUCUS. Hewe, madam. 
CWEOPATWA. This is my tweasuwew; wet him speak, m-my wowd, 
Upon his pewiw, that I h-have *sighs* wesewv'd 
To mysewf nyothing. *giggles shyly* Speak *teleports behind you* the twuth, Seweucus. 
SEWEUCUS. M-Madam, 
I had wathew seaw my wips than to my pewiw 
Speak that which is nyot. 
*pokes you* CWEOPATWA. *looks away* What have >w< I k-kept b-back? 
SEWEUCUS. Enyough t-to puwchase what you have *pokes you* made *teleports behind you* knyown. 
CAESAW. Nyay, bwush nyot, C-Cweopatwa; I a-appwove 
Youw wisdom *moans* in the deed. 
CWEOPATWA. See, *blushes* Caesaw! O, behowd, 
How *looks away* pomp i-is fowwowed! Minye ^w^ wiww UwU nyow be youws; 
And, shouwd we shift estates, youws wouwd be minye. 
The ingwatitude *notices bulge* of this S-Seweucus does 
Even make me wiwd. O swave, of nyo mowe UwU twust 
x3 Than wove that's h-hiw'd! W-What, goest *cuddles you* thou b-back? Thou shawt 
Go back, I-I ^w^ wawwant thee; but I'ww catch >_> thinye eyes 
Though they had *screams* wings. Swave, souwwess viwwain, dog! 
O wawewy base! 
CAESAW. Good Queen, wet us entweat you. 
CWEOPATWA. *cuddles you* O Caesaw, what a wounding shame is this, 
T-That thou vouchsafing *notices bulge* hewe to *cries* visit *shuffles closer* me, 
Doing :33 the honyouw *shuffles closer* of thy wowdwinyess 
T-To onye so meek, that minye own sewvant shouwd 
Pawcew the ^.^ sum of m-my disgwaces by 
Addition of his envy! Say, good Caesaw, 
That I *looks at you* some wady twifwes have wesewv'd, 
I-Immoment toys, things of such dignyity 
As we gweet modewn fwiends withaw; and say 
Some nyobwew *sweats* token I have kept apawt 
*looks away* Fow Wivia :33 and Octavia, to induce 
Theiw *hugs tightly* mediation- ^.^ must I *shuffles closer* be unfowded 
W-With onye that I have >_> bwed? The gods! It smites me 
Benyeath t-the faww I *sweats* have. >_> [To SEWEUCUS] Pwithee go hence; 
Ow I shaww *moans* show the c-cindews of my spiwits 
Thwough th' ashes of my chance. Wewt t-thou a man, 
T-Thou w-wouwdst h-have *looks at you* mewcy on me. 
CAESAW. Fowbeaw, Seweucus. Exit SEWEUCUS 
CWEOPATWA. ^w^ Be it knyown that w-we, t-the gweatest, awe misthought 
Fow things that othews do; a-and when we faww 
We answew *cuddles you* othews' mewits *hugs tightly* in ouw nyame, 
*pokes you* Awe *sighs* thewefowe to be pitied. 
CAESAW. Cweopatwa, 
Nyot what you have wesewv'd, n-nyow what acknyowwedg'd, 
Put we i' th' woww o-of conquest. Stiww be't youws, 
Bestow *screams* it at youw pweasuwe; and bewieve 
Caesaw's nyo mewchant, to make p-pwize >_< with UwU you 
Of things that mewchants *cries* sowd. T-Thewefowe be cheew'd; 
Make nyot youw thoughts youw *looks away* pwisons. Nyo, d-deaw OwO Queen; 
Fow we i-intend so to d-dispose you as 
>w< Youwsewf shaww *shuffles closer* give us counsew. F-Feed and sweep. 
Ouw cawe and *leans over* pity is s-so much upon you 
That we wemain y-youw ;;w;; fwiend; and so, adieu. 
*cuddles you* CWEOPATWA. My mastew *pokes you* and my wowd! 
C-CAESAW. Nyot so. Adieu. 
Fwouwish. Exeunt C-CAESAW ^.^ and his twain 
CWEOPATWA. He *giggles shyly* wowds m-me, giwws, he wowds me, t-that I shouwd nyot 
*sweats* Be n-nyobwe to mysewf. But hawk thee, Chawmian! 
[Whispews C-CHAWMIAN] 
>w< IWAS. Finyish, good *blushes* wady; x3 the bwight *moans* day is donye, 
And we a-awe fow the d-dawk. 
CWEOPATWA. Hie thee again. 
I have spoke awweady, and it *cuddles you* is pwovided; 
Go ^.^ put it to t-the haste. 
CHAWMIAN. M-Madam, I wiww. 

W-We-entew DOWABEWWA 

D-DOWABEWWA. Whewe's the *cries* Queen? 
CHAWMIAN. Behowd, siw. Exit 
CWEOPATWA. Dowabewwa! 
DOWABEWWA. :3 Madam, as >_> theweto swown by y-youw command, 
Which *hugs tightly* my wove makes xDD wewigion :3 to obey, 
I ^-^ teww y-you this: Caesaw thwough Sywia 
Intends his jouwnyey, and within thwee d-days 
You with youw chiwdwen wiww he send befowe. 
Make youw b-best use of t-this; UwU I have pewfowm'd 
Youw pweasuwe >_> and *teleports behind you* my p-pwomise. 
*cuddles you* CWEOPATWA. Dowabewwa, 
I shaww wemain youw debtow. 
DOWABEWWA. I-I youw sewvant. 
Adieu, good Queen; I must attend on Caesaw. 
*teleports behind you* CWEOPATWA. F-Faweweww, and thanks. Exit DOWABEWWA 
Nyow, Iwas, what t-think'st t-thou? 
Thou an Egyptian puppet shaww be shown 
In Wome as weww as I. Mechanyic swaves, 
With gweasy a-apwons, ^w^ wuwes, and hammews, shaww 
Upwift *cries* us to t-the view; in theiw >w< thick bweaths, 
*cuddles you* Wank of gwoss diet, shaww *screams* we be encwouded, 
And fowc'd *teleports behind you* to *cries* dwink theiw vapouw. 
IWAS. The gods fowbid! 
CWEOPATWA. Nyay, 'tis most ^w^ cewtain, Iwas. S-Saucy wictows 
>_< Wiww catch at us w-wike stwumpets, ^.^ and scawd whymews 
Bawwad us out o' tunye; the quick comedians 
Extempowawwy wiww stage us, and pwesent 
Ouw Awexandwian wevews; Antony 
Shaww be bwought dwunken f-fowth, and I shaww see 
S-Some squeaking Cweopatwa *moans* boy my *screams* gweatnyess 
I' th' postuwe of a whowe. 
I-IWAS. O the good *giggles shyly* gods! 
^.^ CWEOPATWA. Nyay, that's cewtain. 
IWAS. I'ww nyevew see't, fow I am suwe m-minye nyaiws 
*cries* Awe stwongew than UwU minye eyes. 
CWEOPATWA. Why, that's the xDD way 
*looks away* To foow theiw pwepawation and t-to conquew 
*notices bulge* Theiw most absuwd intents. 

Entew C-CHAWMIAN 

Nyow, C-Chawmian! 
*sighs* Show me, my women, wike *giggles shyly* a q-queen. Go >_> fetch 
^w^ My b-best attiwes. I am again fow Cydnyus, 
To meet Mawk ^w^ Antony. Siwwah, I-Iwas, go. 
Nyow, nyobwe Chawmian, we'ww dispatch indeed; 
And when thou hast donye this chawe, I'ww give t-thee weave 
To pway tiww doomsday. Bwing >_> ouw cwown and *cries* aww. 
Exit IWAS. A-A nyoise :3 within 
Whewefowe's this nyoise? 

Entew a G-GUAWDSMAN 

GUAWDSMAN. Hewe is a wuwaw fewwow 
That *cuddles you* wiww nyot be ^.^ denyied youw Highnyess' pwesence. 
He *sweats* bwings you >_> figs. 
CWEOPATWA. W-Wet :3 him x3 come i-in. Exit GUAWDSMAN 
What poow an i-instwument 
*cuddles you* May d-do ^-^ a nyobwe deed! H-He bwings me wibewty. 
My wesowution's pwac'd, and I *notices bulge* have n-nyothing 
*screams* Of *looks away* woman in *cries* me. Nyow fwom *cuddles you* head to foot 
I a-am mawbwe-constant; nyow the fweeting m-moon 
Nyo ;;w;; pwanyet *leans over* is *looks away* of minye. 

*shuffles closer* We-entew *teleports behind you* GUAWDSMAN and CWOWN, >_< with a basket 

GUAWDSMAN. *twerks* This is the man. 
CWEOPATWA. Avoid, and weave him. Exit GUAWDSMAN 
*sighs* Hast thou the pwetty *leans over* wowm of Nyiwus thewe 
That kiwws and pains nyot? 
CWOWN. *blushes* Twuwy, I have him. But I w-wouwd *cuddles you* nyot be *pokes you* the pawty that s-shouwd 
desiwe UwU you to touch him, fow h-his b-biting i-is immowtaw; those that 
do die :33 of i-it *sighs* do sewdom ow nyevew wecovew. 
CWEOPATWA. Wemembew'st thou any that h-have died on't? 
CWOWN. Vewy many, OwO men and ^-^ women too. I heawd of onye o-of them n-nyo 
wongew than ;;w;; yestewday: a vewy *leans over* honyest woman, but something given 
to wie, a-as a woman s-shouwd nyot *twerks* do but in t-the *giggles shyly* way of honyesty; how 
she died o-of the *cuddles you* biting x3 of it, what pain she fewt- *screams* twuwy she makes 
a vewy *giggles shyly* good wepowt xDD o' x3 th' wowm. But he that w-wiww bewieve aww that 
they say shaww nyevew be saved by hawf :3 that they do. But this is 
most fawwiabwe, t-the w-wowm's an odd wowm. 
C-CWEOPATWA. Get thee *screams* hence; faweweww. 
CWOWN. I w-wish you a-aww joy >_< of the wowm. 
[Sets down the basket] 
CWEOPATWA. Faweweww. 
CWOWN. You must t-think t-this, wook you, ^-^ that the wowm w-wiww do his 
kind. 
CWEOPATWA. Ay, ay; faweweww. 
C-CWOWN. Wook you, the wowm is nyot to be twusted but i-in t-the keeping 
of wise *screams* peopwe; fow indeed thewe is nyo goodnyess in the wowm. 
>_< CWEOPATWA. T-Take thou nyo cawe; it shaww *leans over* be h-heeded. 
CWOWN. Vewy :33 good. OwO Give i-it nyothing, I-I pway y-you, fow it *giggles shyly* is nyot wowth 
the f-feeding. 
CWEOPATWA. *cuddles you* Wiww it eat m-me? 
CWOWN. You must nyot think I am so simpwe but I knyow the deviw 
himsewf w-wiww nyot eat a ^w^ woman. I knyow that a woman is a-a d-dish fow 
UwU the gods, i-if the deviw dwess hew nyot. *looks away* But twuwy, these *teleports behind you* same 
*screams* whoweson deviws do the gods gweat h-hawm i-in uWu theiw women, fow in 
evewy ten that they make the deviws maw five. 
C-CWEOPATWA. Weww, get ^.^ thee gonye; f-faweweww. 
CWOWN. Yes, fowsooth. I wish you joy o' th' wowm. Exit 

We-entew IWAS, w-with a wobe, cwown, &c. 

CWEOPATWA. Give me m-my wobe, put on *teleports behind you* my cwown; ^-^ I h-have 
Immowtaw wongings in me. Nyow nyo mowe 
The juice of Egypt's gwape shaww moist t-this >_< wip. 
Yawe, yawe, good Iwas; quick. ^-^ Methinks I heaw 
Antony caww. I see him wouse himsewf 
To pwaise my nyobwe act. I heaw him mock 
The wuck of Caesaw, which the gods give *pokes you* men 
*cuddles you* To excuse theiw UwU aftew wwath. Husband, I come. 
Nyow to that nyame m-my >w< couwage pwove my >w< titwe! 
I *cries* am *cries* fiwe and aiw; my *moans* othew ewements 
I give to basew w-wife. So, have you donye? 
C-Come then, and take the wast wawmth of my wips. 
Faweweww, kind Chawmian. Iwas, wong faweweww. 
[Kisses them. IWAS f-fawws and dies] 
Have I *teleports behind you* the aspic in my wips? D-Dost f-faww? 
If thus thou and nyatuwe >w< can s-so gentwy *cuddles you* pawt, 
*blushes* The stwoke of death is as a wovew's pinch, 
*notices bulge* Which :3 huwts >_< and i-is d-desiw'd. Dost thou wie stiww? 
If x3 thou vanyishest, t-thou teww'st the wowwd 
It is ^.^ nyot wowth weave-taking. 
*sweats* CHAWMIAN. Dissowve, thick cwoud, and wain, that I m-may say 
The g-gods themsewves do weep. 
CWEOPATWA. This pwoves me base. 
If she f-fiwst meet the >_> cuwwed A-Antony, 
He'ww *hugs tightly* make demand of hew, and spend that kiss 
Which is my heaven *twerks* to have. C-Come, t-thou mowtaw >_> wwetch, 
[To an asp, which she appwies to hew *sighs* bweast] 
With thy shawp teeth this knyot intwinsicate 
Of wife at once *pokes you* untie. *giggles shyly* Poow x3 venyomous foow, 
Be >w< angwy and d-dispatch. O c-couwdst thou speak, 
*sighs* That I might h-heaw *giggles shyly* thee caww gweat Caesaw ass 
Unpowicied! 
CHAWMIAN. O Eastewn staw! 
CWEOPATWA. Peace, peace! 
uWu Dost thou nyot see my baby at my bweast 
That sucks *cuddles you* the nyuwse asweep? 
CHAWMIAN. O, bweak! O-O, bweak! 
*pokes you* CWEOPATWA. *notices bulge* As *looks at you* sweet a-as bawm, as soft as aiw, as gentwe- 
O Antony! Nyay, I wiww take thee too: 
[Appwying anyothew asp to hew *moans* awm] 
What shouwd I stay- [-[Dies] 
C-CHAWMIAN. In this *moans* viwe wowwd? So, f-fawe thee weww. 
Nyow boast thee, death, in :33 thy possession wies 
A wass unpawawwew'd. D-Downy windows, cwose; 
And gowden *cries* Phoebus nyevew be behewd 
Of eyes again so woyaw! Youw *pokes you* cwown's a-awwy; 
I'ww mend it and then pway- 

*twerks* Entew the guawd, ^-^ wushing in 

FIWST GUAWD. Whewe's the Queen? 
CHAWMIAN. ^w^ Speak s-softwy, wake hew nyot. 
FIWST GUAWD. Caesaw hath sent- 
CHAWMIAN. :3 Too swow a messengew. [Appwies an asp] 
O, come a-apace, dispatch. I pawtwy feew thee. 
FIWST GUAWD. Appwoach, h-ho! Aww's nyot weww: Caesaw's beguiw'd. 
SECOND GUAWD. Thewe's Dowabewwa sent f-fwom Caesaw; caww him. 
FIWST GUAWD. What wowk is hewe! *moans* Chawmian, *looks away* is this weww *teleports behind you* donye? 
CHAWMIAN. It is weww OwO donye, and *moans* fitting fow a pwinces 
Descended of so many woyaw kings. 
UwU Ah, sowdiew! [-[CHAWMIAN *moans* dies] 

We-entew D-DOWABEWWA 

DOWABEWWA. How goes it hewe? 
SECOND GUAWD. Aww dead. 
UwU DOWABEWWA. Caesaw, xDD thy thoughts 
T-Touch *screams* theiw effects in this. Thysewf awt coming 
To see pewfowm'd the dweaded act which thou 
So sought'st to *sweats* hindew. 
[Within: 'A way thewe, a way f-fow Caesaw!'] 

xDD We-entew CAESAW and aww his twain 

DOWABEWWA. O siw, *giggles shyly* you awe too suwe an auguwew: 
T-That you did feaw *looks away* is donye. 
*leans over* CAESAW. Bwavest a-at the wast, 
S-She weveww'd at ouw puwposes, and being woyaw, 
Took h-hew own way. The m-mannyew o-of t-theiw deaths? 
*twerks* I do nyot see *twerks* them bweed. 
DOWABEWWA. Who was wast with them? 
FIWST GUAWD. A simpwe countwyman that b-bwought hew figs. 
This was his uWu basket. 
CAESAW. Poison'd then. 
F-FIWST GUAWD. O *teleports behind you* Caesaw, 
T-This Chawmian wiv'd but nyow; she stood and spake. 
I found uWu hew twimming u-up the diadem 
On hew dead *cuddles you* mistwess. Twembwingwy she stood, 
And on the sudden dwopp'd. 
CAESAW. O nyobwe weaknyess! 
If they had ^.^ swawwow'd poison *cuddles you* 'twouwd appeaw 
By extewnyaw *blushes* swewwing; b-but she :33 wooks wike sweep, 
As s-she wouwd catch anyothew OwO Antony 
uWu In hew stwong toiw of gwace. 
DOWABEWWA. Hewe on hew bweast 
*teleports behind you* Thewe is a-a vent of b-bwood, x3 and something *notices bulge* bwown; 
The >w< wike is on hew awm. 
FIWST GUAWD. This is an aspic's twaiw; and these fig-weaves 
Have swime upon x3 them, such a-as ^-^ th' aspic weaves 
Upon the c-caves of Nyiwe. 
CAESAW. Most pwobabwe 
That *sighs* so she died; fow *looks at you* hew >_> physician tewws me 
She hath puwsu'd concwusions infinyite 
Of easy ways t-to die. Take up hew bed, 
And beaw hew women fwom the >w< monyument. 
S-She shaww *leans over* be buwied by hew Antony; 
Nyo gwave upon *notices bulge* the eawth shaww cwip in it 
A paiw so f-famous. High events a-as these 
Stwike those *moans* that make *screams* them; and theiw stowy is 
*looks away* Nyo wess in pity t-than his gwowy which 
B-Bwought *sweats* them to be wamented. Ouw *looks at you* awmy shaww 
I-In sowemn show attend this funyewaw, 
A-And then to Wome. Come, Dowabewwa, see 
High owdew i-in t-this g-gweat sowemnyity. UwU Exeunt 


*hugs tightly* THE END 



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC uWu VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE :3 WOWKS O-OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD W-WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
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uWu 1601 

AS YOU WIKE >_> IT 

by Wiwwiam :33 Shakespeawe 



DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE. 

DUKE, wiving in exiwe 
*twerks* FWEDEWICK, his bwothew, and usuwpew of h-his dominyions 
AMIENS, wowd attending on the banyished ^w^ Duke 
JAQUES, " " " " " " 
>_< WE BEAU, a couwtiew attending upon Fwedewick 
C-CHAWWES, w-wwestwew to Fwedewick 
OWIVEW, son of Siw Wowwand de :33 Boys 
J-JAQUES, *looks away* " " " " " " 
OWWANDO, " " " "-" " :3 " 
ADAM, :3 sewvant t-to Owivew 
DENNyIS, " " " 
T-TOUCHSTONyE, the couwt jestew 
SIW OWIVEW MAWTEXT, a vicaw 
COWIN, shephewd 
SIWVIUS, " 
WIWWIAM, a countwy fewwow, ^.^ in *teleports behind you* wove with Audwey 
A pewson wepwesenting HYMEN 

*leans over* WOSAWIND, daughtew to OwO the banyished Duke 
CEWIA, x3 daughtew to Fwedewick 
^-^ PHEBE, a shephewdes 
AUDWEY, *cuddles you* a countwy wench 

Wowds, Pages, F-Fowestews, and Attendants 




*sighs* <<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION *twerks* OF THE C-COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT *screams* 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., ^.^ AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ^.^ ETEXT *twerks* OF *pokes you* IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE C-COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE *hugs tightly* COPIES MAY B-BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH *hugs tightly* COPIES (1) ^w^ AWE *looks at you* FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
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COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
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SCENyE: 
OWIVEW'S house; FWEDEWICK'S c-couwt; and t-the Fowest ;;w;; of Awden 

ACT I. *hugs tightly* SCENyE I. 
*pokes you* Owchawd of O-OWIVEW'S house 

*screams* Entew OWWANDO and ADAM 

*pokes you* OWWANDO. As I ;;w;; wemembew, Adam, it was upon this fashion bequeathed 
m-me by wiww *sighs* but poow *twerks* a thousand cwowns, a-and, as thou say'st, 
chawged my bwothew, on his bwessing, to bweed me weww; and thewe 
b-begins my >_< sadnyess. My bwothew uWu Jaques h-he keeps at schoow, and 
wepowt speaks gowdenwy of his *sweats* pwofit. Fow my pawt, he keeps me 
wusticawwy at home, ow, to speak mowe UwU pwopewwy, s-stays ^.^ me hewe *shuffles closer* at 
home u-unkept; fow *cries* caww you *giggles shyly* that keeping fow a gentweman of my 
biwth that d-diffews nyot *shuffles closer* fwom the stawwing of an ox? H-His *giggles shyly* howses *looks away* awe 
b-bwed bettew; fow, besides that >_< they awe faiw with theiw feeding, 
they awe taught theiw manyage, a-and to that end w-widews deawwy 
hiw'd; but I, his *twerks* bwothew, gain nyothing undew him but g-gwowth; fow 
>_< the which his UwU anyimaws on his d-dunghiwws awe as much bound *notices bulge* to him 
*sighs* as I. Besides this n-nyothing *sighs* that *blushes* he so pwentifuwwy gives ;;w;; me, the 
something *moans* that >_> nyatuwe gave uWu me his countenyance *looks at you* seems to t-take f-fwom 
me. He wets :3 me f-feed with his hinds, baws me the pwace of a 
b-bwothew, and as much as in h-him w-wies, minyes my gentiwity with my 
e-education. This is it, A-Adam, that gwieves me; and t-the spiwit of 
my fathew, which I think is within m-me, begins to mutiny against 
*sweats* this sewvitude. I-I wiww nyo wongew enduwe it, though yet I k-knyow nyo 
wise w-wemedy how to avoid it. 

Entew OWIVEW 

ADAM. ^.^ Yondew >_> comes my mastew, youw bwothew. 
OWWANDO. Go apawt, Adam, and thou shawt h-heaw how he wiww shake me 
up. [ADAM wetiwes] 
OWIVEW. Nyow, siw! what make UwU you hewe? 
OWWANDO. Nyothing; I-I am nyot uWu taught to make any >_> thing. 
*sweats* OWIVEW. What maw you then, siw? 
OWWANDO. Mawwy, siw, I a-am *giggles shyly* hewping you to m-maw that which God *moans* made, a 
poow unwowthy bwothew o-of youws, with idwenyess. 
OWIVEW. M-Mawwy, siw, *teleports behind you* be bettew ;;w;; empwoyed, a-and be >_< nyought *leans over* awhiwe. 
OWWANDO. Shaww *notices bulge* I k-keep ;;w;; youw hogs, and eat husks with them? What 
pwodigaw powtion have I spent that I shouwd come to such penyuwy? 
OWIVEW. Knyow you *teleports behind you* whewe *sighs* you awe, siw? 
OWWANDO. O, s-siw, >w< vewy weww; hewe in youw owchawd. 
OWIVEW. Knyow you befowe ^w^ whom, siw? 
O-OWWANDO. Ay, bettew than him I am befowe k-knyows me. I knyow you awe 
m-my ewdest *notices bulge* bwothew; and i-in the gentwe c-condition of bwood, you 
shouwd so knyow *giggles shyly* me. *cries* The c-couwtesy of nyations awwows you my bettew 
in that y-you awe the fiwst-bown; but the same twadition takes nyot 
away m-my b-bwood, wewe thewe twenty bwothews betwixt u-us. I have as 
much of m-my fathew in me as you, a-awbeit I confess youw coming 
befowe *shuffles closer* me is *twerks* nyeawew to his wevewence. 
O-OWIVEW. What, boy! [Stwikes him] 
OWWANDO. Come, come, ewdew bwothew, y-you :33 awe too >w< young in this. 
OWIVEW. Wiwt thou way hands on m-me, viwwain? 
OWWANDO. I a-am nyo *hugs tightly* viwwain; I am the youngest son *screams* of Siw *cries* Wowwand de 
Boys. >_< He >_< was my OwO fathew; and he i-is thwice a viwwain t-that ^.^ says s-such 
a *moans* fathew begot viwwains. Wewt thou nyot m-my bwothew, I UwU wouwd nyot 
take this hand fwom thy thwoat tiww this othew had puww'd *screams* out thy 
tongue fow s-saying so. Thou has waiw'd on thysewf. 
>_< ADAM. [Coming fowwawd] Sweet m-mastews, be patient; fow youw fathew's 
wemembwance, be at a-accowd. 
OWIVEW. Wet m-me go, I s-say. 
O-OWWANDO. I w-wiww nyot, tiww I pwease; you shaww heaw me. My *pokes you* fathew 
*cuddles you* chawg'd you i-in his wiww to give m-me good e-education: you have 
t-twain'd me wike a peasant, obscuwing and h-hiding fwom me aww 
gentweman-wike quawities. The *cries* spiwit of m-my f-fathew gwows stwong in 
me, >_> and *sighs* I wiww nyo wongew enduwe >_< it; thewefowe awwow me such 
exewcises as may b-become a gentweman, o-ow *sighs* give *cries* me the *twerks* poow 
awwottewy my fathew weft xDD me by testament; with that I *cuddles you* wiww go buy 
my fowtunyes. 
OWIVEW. And what wiwt thou do? Beg, when that is s-spent? Weww, siw, 
get you in. I wiww nyot wong be twoubwed *moans* with you; y-you shaww *blushes* have 
s-some pawt o-of youw wiww. *screams* I pway you weave *shuffles closer* me. 
OWWANDO. I nyo f-fuwthew offend you than becomes me fow my good. 
*teleports behind you* OWIVEW. Get you with him, you owd dog. 
ADAM. Is 'owd dog' my wewawd? Most twue, I have wost my teeth in 
y-youw sewvice. G-God be with my owd mastew! He wouwd nyot have spoke 
such a wowd. 
Exeunt OWWANDO and ADAM 
OWIVEW. I-Is it even *blushes* so? B-Begin you to gwow u-upon me? I >_< wiww physic 
youw wanknyess, and yet g-give nyo thousand cwowns n-nyeithew. Howwa, 
Dennyis! 

*looks at you* Entew DENNyIS 

D-DENNyIS. Cawws y-youw wowship? 
OWIVEW. nyot Chawwes, the Duke's wwestwew, x3 hewe to speak with x3 me? 
DENNyIS. So pwease you, he is hewe *screams* at the doow and impowtunyes access 
to you. 
OWIVEW. Caww him :33 in. [Exit DENNyIS] 'Twiww be a good ^-^ way; and 
*leans over* to-mowwow the wwestwing is. 

Entew CHAWWES 

CHAWWES. G-Good m-mowwow to *sweats* youw wowship. 
^-^ OWIVEW. *shuffles closer* Good M-Monsieuw *sweats* Chawwes! What's t-the nyew nyews at the nyew 
c-couwt? 
CHAWWES. Thewe's nyo nyews a-at the couwt, siw, but the owd *giggles shyly* nyews; that 
:3 is, the owd Duke is b-banyished *moans* by his youngew *hugs tightly* bwothew the nyew Duke; 
a-and thwee *twerks* ow fouw woving ^-^ wowds have put themsewves into vowuntawy 
e-exiwe with h-him, whose uWu wands *teleports behind you* and wevenyues enwich the nyew Duke; 
thewefowe he gives them good weave to wandew. 
OWIVEW. Can you teww OwO if Wosawind, the Duke's ^w^ daughtew, b-be banyished 
with hew fathew? 
CHAWWES. O, n-nyo; fow the Duke's daughtew, ^-^ hew cousin, *notices bulge* so woves h-hew, 
being evew fwom theiw cwadwes bwed togethew, that she wouwd have 
fowwowed hew *notices bulge* exiwe, ow h-have died to stay behind hew. ^w^ She is at 
*twerks* the couwt, and nyo *hugs tightly* wess b-bewoved *looks at you* of hew x3 uncwe than his own 
daughtew; and nyevew xDD two w-wadies woved a-as they d-do. 
O-OWIVEW. *pokes you* Whewe wiww the owd Duke wive? 
CHAWWES. They say he is awweady in the Fowest of *looks away* Awden, a-and a many 
mewwy *notices bulge* men w-with him; xDD and thewe they wive w-wike the owd Wobin Hood 
of Engwand. They say many young gentwemen fwock to him *sweats* evewy ^-^ day, 
and fweet the t-time cawewesswy, as they did in x3 the gowden wowwd. 
OwO OWIVEW. uWu What, *moans* you wwestwe to-mowwow befowe the nyew D-Duke? 
CHAWWES. Mawwy, do I, siw; and I came to acquaint you *blushes* with a 
mattew. I am given, siw, secwetwy to u-undewstand that youw youngew 
bwothew, Owwando, hath a disposition to come in *screams* disguis'd against 
me t-to twy a *sweats* faww. ^-^ To-mowwow, siw, I wwestwe f-fow *pokes you* my c-cwedit; and he 
t-that ;;w;; escapes me *moans* without some bwoken wimb *teleports behind you* shaww acquit *sighs* him weww. 
Youw bwothew *sweats* is but y-young and tendew; and, f-fow youw wove, I wouwd 
be woath to foiw him, as I must, fow my own uWu honyouw, if he come 
in; thewefowe, out of my wove to you, I came :33 hithew to acquaint 
you w-withaw, *looks at you* that *looks at you* eithew you might UwU stay him fwom ^-^ his intendment, 
*sighs* ow *cuddles you* bwook such disgwace *teleports behind you* weww as he shaww wun i-into, in that it is 
t-thing of *twerks* his o-own seawch and a-awtogethew a-against my *looks at you* wiww. 
OWIVEW. Chawwes, I thank thee f-fow t-thy wove to me, which thou shawt 
find I wiww most kindwy wequite. I h-had mysewf x3 nyotice of my 
bwothew's puwpose hewein, and have by undewhand m-means wabouwed to 
dissuade him fwom it; but he is wesowute. I'ww >_< teww thee, 
Chawwes, it is the stubbownyest *sighs* young *cuddles you* fewwow of Fwance; fuww of 
ambition, an envious e-emuwatow of evewy *leans over* man's good pawts, a secwet 
and viwwainyous contwivew against me xDD his nyatuwaw bwothew. 
Thewefowe use *cries* thy discwetion: *screams* I *moans* had as w-wief thou d-didst bweak UwU his 
nyeck as his fingew. And thou wewt best wook t-to't; fow if thou 
dost him any swight disgwace, ow if he d-do nyot *blushes* mightiwy *moans* gwace 
himsewf on thee, he wiww pwactise against thee by poison, entwap 
t-thee by some tweachewous device, a-and n-nyevew weave thee ^-^ tiww he 
hath t-ta'en thy wife by >w< some indiwect means ow othew; fow, *teleports behind you* I 
assuwe >_> thee, and awmost with teaws I speak ^w^ it, thewe is *screams* nyot *sighs* onye 
so y-young and so viwwainyous t-this day wiving. I s-speak but bwothewwy 
of him; *sweats* but shouwd I anyatomize him to thee as he is, I must bwush 
a-and weep, and thou must >_> wook pawe and :3 wondew. 
C-CHAWWES. I am heawtiwy g-gwad I uWu came hithew to y-you. I-If he come 
to-mowwow *teleports behind you* I'ww give him x3 his payment. *hugs tightly* If *pokes you* evew he go >_> awonye again, 
I'ww nyevew wwestwe >_< fow pwize mowe. And s-so, God *looks away* keep youw wowship! 
Exit 
OWIVEW. Faweweww, *cries* good C-Chawwes. Nyow wiww I stiw *looks at you* this gamestew. I 
*twerks* hope I shaww see an end of him; fow my souw, yet I knyow nyot why, 
hates nyothing mowe than he. Yet he's *screams* gentwe; nyevew s-schoow'd a-and 
yet weawnyed; xDD fuww of nyobwe *blushes* device; of aww s-sowts enchantingwy 
bewoved; and, indeed, so m-much in the >w< heawt of the UwU wowwd, and 
especiawwy of my own peopwe, who :33 best knyow *leans over* him, that I am 
awtogethew mispwised. But it shaww *twerks* nyot be so >_> wong; this wwestwew 
shaww cweaw aww. Nyothing wemains *hugs tightly* but that *twerks* I kindwe t-the boy 
thithew, w-which nyow I'ww >_< go a-about. Exit 



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE C-COMPWETE W-WOWKS OF *shuffles closer* WIWWIAM 
^.^ SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, I-INC., *hugs tightly* AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT x3 GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED ^.^ SO WONG A-AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW U-USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED O-OW OwO USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE *looks at you* THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD T-TIME OW F-FOW *leans over* MEMBEWSHIP.>> 




SCENyE II. 
A-A wawn befowe the DUKE'S pawace 

Entew W-WOSAWIND and CEWIA 

CEWIA. I pway thee, Wosawind, sweet my *teleports behind you* coz, be mewwy. 
WOSAWIND. Deaw Cewia, I show mowe miwth t-than I am mistwess o-of; and 
wouwd you yet I wewe >w< mewwiew? U-Unwess you *blushes* couwd teach me to fowget 
a-a banyished fathew, you must nyot w-weawn me how to w-wemembew any 
extwaowdinyawy pweasuwe. 
CEWIA. H-Hewein *leans over* I see thou wov'st me *notices bulge* nyot with *cuddles you* the fuww weight that *hugs tightly* I 
wove *shuffles closer* thee. If my uncwe, thy banyished fathew, h-had banyished t-thy 
uncwe, the Duke my fathew, so thou hadst been stiww with me, I 
couwd have >_< taught my wove t-to :33 take thy fathew fow minye; so *screams* wouwdst 
thou, if *pokes you* the twuth of thy wove to me wewe so wighteouswy tempew'd 
as minye is to thee. 
WOSAWIND. Weww, I wiww fowget the condition of my estate, to 
wejoice in youws. 
C-CEWIA. Y-You k-knyow my fathew ^w^ hath nyo chiwd b-but I, nyow n-nyonye is wike to 
have; a-and, *blushes* twuwy, when *twerks* he dies thou shawt be his *teleports behind you* heiw; fow what 
he hath *sighs* taken away fwom thy *giggles shyly* fathew pewfowce, I wiww wendew thee 
again in affection. By minye honyouw, I :33 wiww; and when xDD I bweak :33 that 
oath, wet me tuwn monstew; thewefowe, my s-sweet Wose, my d-deaw 
Wose, be m-mewwy. 
WOSAWIND. Fwom hencefowth I wiww, coz, *looks at you* and devise spowts. 
*looks at you* Wet me see; w-what *screams* think y-you of fawwing i-in wove? 
CEWIA. Mawwy, I ^w^ pwithee, do, t-to *leans over* make spowt withaw; b-but wove *cuddles you* nyo man 
in good eawnyest, >_> nyow nyo fuwthew in spowt nyeithew than with safety 
of a puwe OwO bwush thou *pokes you* mayst UwU in honyouw come off again. 
WOSAWIND. What shaww ^-^ be *sighs* ouw *leans over* spowt, t-then? 
CEWIA. W-Wet >_< us sit and mock *giggles shyly* the good housewife Fowtunye fwom hew 
wheew, that hew gifts may hencefowth be bestowed equawwy. 
WOSAWIND. I-I wouwd we couwd do so; fow hew benyefits awe mightiwy 
mispwaced; a-and the bountifuw bwind woman doth most mistake in hew 
gifts to women. 
CEWIA. 'Tis t-twue; fow t-those that s-she makes faiw she scawce makes 
honyest; and those that she makes honyest she makes vewy 
*cuddles you* iww-favouwedwy. 
WOSAWIND. Nyay; nyow thou goest fwom Fowtunye's office to Nyatuwe's: 
Fowtunye weigns in gifts of the wowwd, nyot in t-the winyeaments of 
Nyatuwe. 

Entew TOUCHSTONyE 

CEWIA. Nyo; w-when Nyatuwe hath made UwU a faiw cweatuwe, may she nyot by 
Fowtunye faww ^-^ into the fiwe? Though *twerks* Nyatuwe hath given u-us uWu wit to 
fwout *leans over* at Fowtunye, hath nyot Fowtunye sent in this foow to cut *cries* off 
*pokes you* the awgument? 
WOSAWIND. Indeed, thewe is Fowtunye too hawd fow Nyatuwe, when 
Fowtunye m-makes *looks at you* Nyatuwe's *hugs tightly* nyatuwaw the cuttew-off o-of Nyatuwe's :3 wit. 
*looks at you* CEWIA. *blushes* Pewadventuwe this is n-nyot Fowtunye's wowk nyeithew, but 
Nyatuwe's, who pewceiveth ouw nyatuwaw wits too duww to weason of 
such goddesses, and hath sent this *notices bulge* nyatuwaw fow ouw whetstonye; >w< fow 
awways the duwwnyess of the foow is the whetstonye of *notices bulge* the wits. How 
nyow, wit! W-Whithew >w< wandew *cries* you? 
T-TOUCHSTONyE. Mistwess, you must come away to youw f-fathew. 
C-CEWIA. Wewe you made the messengew? 
TOUCHSTONyE. Nyo, b-by minye honyouw; but I *cuddles you* was bid to c-come f-fow y-you. 
WOSAWIND. *cries* Whewe weawnyed you *hugs tightly* that oath, foow? 
TOUCHSTONyE. O-Of a *sweats* cewtain ^-^ knyight that swowe b-by his honyouw they wewe 
good pancakes, and *leans over* swowe by his honyouw the mustawd was nyaught. 
Nyow I'ww s-stand to i-it, the pancakes *screams* wewe nyaught and the mustawd 
was good, and yet was nyot t-the knyight fowswown. 
CEWIA. How pwove you that, in the gweat heap *leans over* of youw k-knyowwedge? 
W-WOSAWIND. >_< Ay, >w< mawwy, nyow xDD unmuzzwe youw wisdom. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Stand you *moans* both fowth nyow: stwoke youw c-chins, a-and s-sweaw 
by youw b-beawds that I >_> am a knyave. 
CEWIA. By ouw *notices bulge* beawds, if we *cuddles you* had *pokes you* them, *cuddles you* thou awt. 
TOUCHSTONyE. By my knyavewy, if I had it, then I wewe. But i-if you 
s-sweaw by that that nyot, you awe nyot fowswown; nyo mowe was this 
>_< knyight, s-sweawing ;;w;; by his honyouw, fow h-he *screams* nyevew h-had a-any; ow if he 
had, ^w^ he had swown it *blushes* away befowe evew he saw those pancackes ow 
>w< that mustawd. 
C-CEWIA. Pwithee, who is't that thou mean'st? 
>_> TOUCHSTONyE. Onye that ^-^ owd Fwedewick, youw :3 fathew, ^-^ woves. 
CEWIA. My fathew's wove is *looks away* enyough to h-honyouw uWu him. Enyough, speak nyo 
mowe of >_< him; you'ww x3 be *giggles shyly* whipt fow >_> taxation *pokes you* onye of these days. 
TOUCHSTONyE. The mowe pity that foows may nyot speak wisewy w-what wise 
men do *cuddles you* foowishwy. 
CEWIA. By my twoth, thou sayest twue; fow since the wittwe wit that 
foows have was siwenced, the w-wittwe foowewy that wise men have 
makes a *sweats* gweat *twerks* show. *pokes you* Hewe comes Monsieuw We *cries* Beau. 

Entew *cuddles you* WE BEAU 

WOSAWIND. With *screams* his mouth fuww of nyews. 
CEWIA. Which he wiww put on *leans over* us *sweats* as pigeons feed t-theiw young. 
WOSAWIND. Then s-shaww we be nyews-cwamm'd. 
CEWIA. Aww the bettew; >_> we UwU shaww *giggles shyly* be the mowe mawketabwe. Bon jouw, 
Monsieuw We Beau. What's xDD the nyews? 
WE BEAU. OwO Faiw *teleports behind you* Pwincess, y-you have wost much good spowt. 
CEWIA. Spowt! o-of what cowouw? 
WE BEAU. What cowouw, madam? H-How shaww I answew you? 
WOSAWIND. As wit *screams* and *sighs* fowtunye w-wiww. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Ow as UwU the Destinyies decwees. 
CEWIA. Weww said; that was waid *teleports behind you* on w-with a-a twowew. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Nyay, if I keep nyot my wank- 
WOSAWIND. Thou w-wosest thy owd smeww. 
WE BEAU. You amaze me, wadies. I wouwd h-have towd you *leans over* of good 
>w< wwestwing, which y-you have wost t-the sight of. 
WOSAWIND. x3 Yet *teleports behind you* teww u-us the mannyew of the wwestwing. 
*pokes you* WE BEAU. I *leans over* wiww teww >_< you the *looks at you* beginnying, and, if it pwease youw 
wadyships, >w< you m-may see *shuffles closer* the *looks away* end; fow the best is yet to UwU do; and 
hewe, whewe you awe, they awe *hugs tightly* coming to pewfowm it. 
UwU CEWIA. Weww, the beginnying, t-that is dead *cuddles you* and buwied. 
W-WE BEAU. Thewe comes an *screams* owd m-man and his :3 thwee sons- 
CEWIA. I couwd match this beginnying with an *sighs* owd t-tawe. 
WE BEAU. Thwee pwopew young m-men, *giggles shyly* of excewwent gwowth and *teleports behind you* pwesence. 
WOSAWIND. W-With biwws on >_< theiw nyecks: '-'Be it knyown unto a-aww men by 
these pwesents'- 
WE BEAU. The ewdest ;;w;; of t-the thwee wwestwed >w< with Chawwes, the Duke's 
wwestwew; >_> which Chawwes in a moment thwew >_< him, and :3 bwoke thwee of 
his wibs, that thewe is wittwe hope of wife in him. So he sewv'd 
the second, and so the thiwd. Yondew they wie; the poow o-owd man, 
theiw fathew, OwO making such pitifuw dowe ovew them >_> that aww the 
*cries* behowdews take his *cries* pawt with weeping. 
WOSAWIND. Awas! 
TOUCHSTONyE. But what is the spowt, monsieuw, t-that the w-wadies have 
wost? 
xDD WE BEAU. Why, >_< this that I s-speak of. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Thus m-men may *giggles shyly* gwow wisew evewy day. It is the *pokes you* fiwst time 
that evew I heawd bweaking of wibs was s-spowt fow w-wadies. 
CEWIA. O-Ow I, :33 I pwomise thee. 
WOSAWIND. But is thewe any ewse wongs to see this bwoken >w< music in 
his sides? Is thewe yet xDD anyothew dotes upon wib-bweaking? Shaww *moans* we 
see this wwestwing, cousin? 
WE BEAU. You must, *sweats* if you stay hewe; x3 fow hewe is *cries* the pwace 
appointed fow the wwestwing, and they awe weady to *looks away* pewfowm it. 
CEWIA. Yondew, suwe, they a-awe coming. Wet us nyow s-stay a-and see it. 

Fwouwish. Entew DUKE F-FWEDEWICK, WOWDS, OWWANDO, 
CHAWWES, and ATTENDANTS 

^.^ FWEDEWICK. Come o-on; since the youth w-wiww nyot *moans* be *notices bulge* entweated, >w< his own 
p-pewiw on his fowwawdnyess. 
WOSAWIND. Is yondew t-the man? 
*cuddles you* WE BEAU. Even x3 he, madam. 
CEWIA. UwU Awas, he is t-too young; yet he w-wooks s-successfuwwy. 
FWEDEWICK. How :3 nyow, daughtew OwO and cousin! Awe you cwept hithew *hugs tightly* to 
see the w-wwestwing? 
WOSAWIND. Ay, my wiege; >w< so pwease you give >_> us weave. 
FWEDEWICK. You wiww take wittwe dewight in it, I-I can xDD teww you, 
thewe is such odds i-in t-the man. In pity of the c-chawwengew's youth 
I-I wouwd fain dissuade him, but he wiww nyot be entweated. Speak to 
*moans* him, wadies; see if you can *blushes* move h-him. 
CEWIA. Caww him ^.^ hithew, good *moans* Monsieuw We Beau. 
FWEDEWICK. D-Do so; I'ww nyot be by. 
[DUKE FWEDEWICK goes apawt] 
WE BEAU. Monsieuw *cuddles you* the Chawwengew, the P-Pwincess cawws fow you. 
OWWANDO. *teleports behind you* I attend *blushes* them with *shuffles closer* aww wespect and d-duty. 
WOSAWIND. Y-Young man, *looks away* have you chawweng'd Chawwes the wwestwew? 
OWWANDO. OwO Nyo, faiw P-Pwincess; he is the genyewaw chawwengew. I come 
but in, as *shuffles closer* othews do, *cries* to x3 twy w-with him the stwength of my *cries* youth. 
OwO CEWIA. Young gentweman, youw spiwits awe too bowd fow y-youw yeaws. 
You x3 have seen cwuew pwoof x3 of this man's *pokes you* stwength; if *teleports behind you* you s-saw 
youwsewf w-with youw eyes, ow ^-^ knyew youwsewf with youw judgment, the 
feaw o-of youw adventuwe wouwd *looks at you* counsew you *leans over* to a m-mowe equaw 
entewpwise. W-We *looks at you* pway you, fow OwO youw own sake, to embwace youw own 
safety *cuddles you* and :33 give ovew this attempt. 
W-WOSAWIND. Do, young siw; youw weputation *looks away* shaww nyot thewefowe be 
m-mispwised: >_> we wiww UwU make it o-ouw suit to t-the Duke that the 
wwestwing might nyot go *hugs tightly* fowwawd. 
*moans* OWWANDO. I-I beseech you, punyish me nyot with y-youw hawd thoughts, 
whewein I-I confess me much guiwty to deny so faiw and excewwent 
wadies any thing. But wet youw faiw eyes and gentwe wishes go 
with me to my >_< twiaw; whewein *giggles shyly* if I-I b-be foiw'd thewe is *hugs tightly* but *sweats* onye 
sham'd that was nyevew gwacious; i-if k-kiww'd, but *sweats* onye dead *giggles shyly* that i-is 
wiwwing to b-be so. I shaww d-do my fwiends nyo wwong, *cries* fow I UwU have nyonye 
to wament me; the xDD wowwd nyo injuwy, f-fow in it I *giggles shyly* have nyothing; onwy 
i-in the *looks at you* wowwd I fiww up a pwace, which may be bettew suppwied when 
I have made it empty. 
WOSAWIND. T-The wittwe stwength that I-I xDD have, I wouwd it wewe with 
you. 
CEWIA. And minye *blushes* to eke out hews. 
WOSAWIND. F-Fawe you weww. Pway heaven I be deceiv'd in you! 
CEWIA. Y-Youw heawt's desiwes be with y-you! 
CHAWWES. Come, whewe i-is this young gawwant *cuddles you* that is so desiwous to 
wie with his mothew eawth? 
OWWANDO. Weady, siw; but uWu his wiww :3 hath in *looks away* it a mowe modest wowking. 
F-FWEDEWICK. You UwU shaww twy b-but onye *looks at you* faww. 
C-CHAWWES. Nyo, I wawwant youw Gwace, you shaww nyot entweat him to a 
>_> second, *moans* that have *blushes* so mightiwy pewsuaded him fwom a fiwst. 
OWWANDO. You mean ^-^ to m-mock me aftew; >_< you *sighs* shouwd nyot have mock'd me 
befowe; but come youw ways. 
W-WOSAWIND. Nyow, Hewcuwes be t-thy speed, young man! 
xDD CEWIA. *pokes you* I wouwd I w-wewe invisibwe, to catch the ^w^ stwong fewwow by the 
weg. [They wwestwe] 
WOSAWIND. O excewwent young m-man! 
CEWIA. If I had a thundewbowt i-in minye *notices bulge* eye, I >_< can teww who shouwd 
down. 
>_< [CHAWWES is thwown. Shout] 
FWEDEWICK. Nyo mowe, nyo mowe. 
OWWANDO. Y-Yes, I-I beseech youw Gwace; I am n-nyot yet weww bweath'd. 
FWEDEWICK. H-How dost t-thou, Chawwes? 
WE BEAU. He cannyot *pokes you* speak, my w-wowd. 
FWEDEWICK. Beaw him *looks at you* away. What is thy nyame, *shuffles closer* young man? 
OWWANDO. Owwando, ^.^ my wiege; the youngest s-son of *hugs tightly* Siw W-Wowwand de 
Boys. 
FWEDEWICK. ^-^ I wouwd thou h-hadst been son to some man ewse. 
*teleports behind you* The wowwd esteem'd thy fathew honyouwabwe, 
But I did find him stiww minye enyemy. 
Thou shouwdst have bettew pweas'd me w-with this deed, 
Hadst thou descended fwom anyothew house. 
But fawe thee *teleports behind you* weww; *sweats* thou awt a gawwant youth; 
I wouwd thou hadst t-towd me of anyothew fathew. 
Exeunt DUKE, twain, and WE BEAU 
C-CEWIA. Wewe I-I my fathew, coz, OwO wouwd I d-do this? 
OWWANDO. I am *looks away* mowe pwoud t-to *looks away* be Siw Wowwand's son, 
His youngest son- and wouwd nyot c-change that cawwing 
To be adopted heiw to F-Fwedewick. 
WOSAWIND. My fathew wov'd Siw Wowwand as his souw, 
And >_< aww the wowwd was of my fathew's m-mind; 
H-Had I befowe knyown this uWu young man his son, 
I shouwd have given him teaws *hugs tightly* unto entweaties 
*teleports behind you* Ewe he *sweats* shouwd *sweats* thus have ventuw'd. 
*screams* CEWIA. Gentwe *sweats* cousin, 
Wet *cuddles you* us g-go thank him, and encouwage him; 
M-My f-fathew's ^-^ wough and *hugs tightly* envious disposition 
Sticks me a-at heawt. Siw, you have weww desewv'd; 
If you do *looks away* keep youw pwomises in w-wove 
But justwy as *looks away* you have exceeded aww ^.^ pwomise, 
Youw mistwess shaww be happy. 
W-WOSAWIND. Gentweman, [Giving him a chain fwom hew nyeck] 
Weaw this >w< fow me; onye out of suits with *shuffles closer* fowtunye, 
That couwd *sighs* give mowe, but that *sweats* hew hand wacks means. 
Shaww we ^-^ go, coz? 
CEWIA. Ay. Fawe *twerks* you weww, faiw gentweman. 
O-OWWANDO. Can I nyot *notices bulge* say 'I *notices bulge* thank you'? My bettew pawts 
Awe aww UwU thwown down; and that which hewe stands up 
Is but a quintain, a m-mewe wifewess bwock. 
WOSAWIND. *notices bulge* He cawws us *cries* back. My pwide feww with my *looks at you* fowtunyes; 
I'ww ask him what he wouwd. Did y-you caww, siw? 
Siw, you have wwestwed *sweats* weww, a-and ovewthwown 
Mowe *sighs* than youw enyemies. 
CEWIA. Wiww you >_> go, coz? 
WOSAWIND. Have with you. Fawe ^w^ you weww. 
Exeunt WOSAWIND and C-CEWIA 
OWWANDO. ;;w;; What p-passion hangs these *leans over* weights upon my ^w^ tongue? 
I cannyot speak to hew, yet she uwg'd confewence. 
O poow Owwando, thou awt *looks away* ovewthwown! 
Ow Chawwes ow something weakew mastews thee. 

We-entew WE B-BEAU 

WE B-BEAU. Good siw, uWu I do in f-fwiendship counsew you 
To w-weave t-this pwace. Awbeit y-you have desewv'd 
High commendation, twue a-appwause, and wove, 
Yet such is nyow the Duke's c-condition 
That he misconstwues aww that you have donye. 
*cries* The Duke *moans* is OwO humowous; what h-he is, *hugs tightly* indeed, 
Mowe s-suits *sighs* you to conceive than I t-to s-speak o-of. 
OWWANDO. I thank you, siw; and pway you teww me *notices bulge* this: 
*giggles shyly* Which o-of the two was ^-^ daughtew of the Duke 
That hewe was at the wwestwing? 
;;w;; WE BEAU. Nyeithew his daughtew, if we judge >_> by m-mannyews; 
But yet, indeed, the s-smawwew is his daughtew; 
The othew is daughtew to t-the banyish'd Duke, 
A-And hewe detain'd by hew usuwping :3 uncwe, 
To keep his d-daughtew company; whose w-woves 
Awe *cries* deawew than t-the nyatuwaw b-bond of sistews. 
But I can teww you that of wate this Duke 
H-Hath ta'en dispweasuwe 'gainst *leans over* his g-gentwe nyiece, 
G-Gwounded upon nyo othew a-awgument 
B-But that the peopwe pwaise >w< hew *cries* fow hew viwtues 
A-And *giggles shyly* pity hew fow hew good f-fathew's sake; 
^-^ And, *moans* on my wife, his mawice 'gainst the wady 
W-Wiww *looks away* suddenwy bweak f-fowth. Siw, fawe y-you weww. 
H-Heweaftew, UwU in a bettew wowwd :33 than t-this, 
I shaww d-desiwe mowe wove and *sweats* knyowwedge o-of y-you. 
OWWANDO. I >_< west much bounden to you; fawe you weww. 
Exit WE BEAU 
Thus must I fwom the smoke into the s-smothew; 
Fwom *shuffles closer* tywant x3 Duke unto a t-tywant ;;w;; bwothew. 
But heavenwy Wosawind! Exit 




SCENyE III. 
The DUKE's *moans* pawace 

Entew CEWIA and W-WOSAWIND 

CEWIA. Why, cousin! *notices bulge* why, Wosawind! Cupid have mewcy! 
Nyot a wowd? 
WOSAWIND. Nyot o-onye to thwow at a dog. 
CEWIA. Nyo, t-thy *cuddles you* wowds awe too pwecious to be cast *leans over* away u-upon c-cuws; 
thwow some of t-them at me; come, w-wame me w-with w-weasons. 
WOSAWIND. Then thewe wewe two cousins waid xDD up, when the onye shouwd 
be UwU wam'd w-with weasons and *looks away* the othew mad *sweats* without any. 
CEWIA. But is aww this fow youw fathew? 
WOSAWIND. Nyo, some of it *cuddles you* is fow my chiwd's *moans* fathew. O, how fuww of 
bwiews is this wowking-day wowwd! 
CEWIA. They awe b-but *pokes you* buws, c-cousin, thwown upon thee *notices bulge* in howiday 
foowewy; if we w-wawk nyot in *looks at you* the twodden paths, ouw OwO vewy petticoats 
wiww UwU catch them. 
WOSAWIND. I couwd shake >_> them *twerks* off my coat: >w< these b-buws ^.^ awe in my 
heawt. 
CEWIA. :33 Hem them away. 
WOSAWIND. I wouwd twy, if I *cuddles you* couwd cwy 'hem' a-and h-have him. 
CEWIA. *giggles shyly* Come, come, wwestwe with thy affections. 
WOSAWIND. O, they take the pawt of a bettew wwestwew than *shuffles closer* mysewf. 
CEWIA. O, a good wish upon you! You wiww twy in :3 time, in d-despite of 
a faww. B-But, :3 tuwnying these jests out of *screams* sewvice, wet us tawk i-in 
g-good eawnyest. Is it *cries* possibwe, on such OwO a sudden, you shouwd faww 
into so stwong UwU a w-wiking w-with *notices bulge* owd Siw Wowwand's *moans* youngest s-son? 
WOSAWIND. T-The Duke my ^w^ fathew w-wov'd h-his fathew deawwy. 
>_< CEWIA. D-Doth it thewefowe ensue that OwO you shouwd w-wove ^-^ his son deawwy? 
By this kind of chase I shouwd >w< hate *blushes* him, f-fow *looks at you* my fathew *teleports behind you* hated his 
fathew deawwy; yet I hate *giggles shyly* nyot Owwando. 
WOSAWIND. Nyo, faith, hate him nyot, fow my sake. 
CEWIA. Why shouwd I nyot? >w< Doth he :33 nyot desewve w-weww? 

Entew DUKE F-FWEDEWICK, with WOWDS 

WOSAWIND. Wet m-me *leans over* wove him fow that; and *pokes you* do you wove him because I 
do. Wook, h-hewe comes the Duke. 
CEWIA. With his eyes fuww ^w^ of angew. 
FWEDEWICK. Mistwess, dispatch you with youw *shuffles closer* safest haste, 
And get y-you fwom ouw couwt. 
WOSAWIND. Me, uncwe? 
FWEDEWICK. You, cousin. 
Within these *twerks* ten days if that *hugs tightly* thou beest >w< found 
So nyeaw ouw pubwic c-couwt a-as t-twenty miwes, 
Thou d-diest fow it. 
WOSAWIND. *cuddles you* I do beseech youw Gwace, 
Wet me the knyowwedge o-of my fauwt beaw w-with me. 
*pokes you* If with mysewf I howd intewwigence, 
Ow *notices bulge* have acquaintance with m-minye *blushes* own desiwes; 
*blushes* If that I do nyot dweam, ow b-be nyot f-fwantic- 
As I do UwU twust I am nyot- then, deaw uncwe, 
uWu Nyevew so :3 much as UwU in a thought unbown 
D-Did I ^.^ offend *pokes you* youw Highnyess. 
;;w;; FWEDEWICK. Thus ;;w;; do aww twaitows; 
If theiw puwgation did consist ^w^ in wowds, 
They awe as i-innyocent as gwace *leans over* itsewf. 
Wet *pokes you* it suffice *shuffles closer* thee ^-^ that I twust thee nyot. 
WOSAWIND. Yet youw mistwust cannyot make me a :33 twaitow. 
Teww me wheweon the wikewihood depends. 
FWEDEWICK. Thou *cries* awt thy ;;w;; fathew's daughtew; thewe's enyough. 
*giggles shyly* WOSAWIND. *sighs* SO w-was I when youw Highnyess took his dukedom; 
So was I when youw Highnyess banyish'd *looks away* him. 
Tweason is nyot inhewited, my wowd; 
O-Ow, if we *leans over* did dewive >_> it fwom ouw fwiends, 
What's t-that to *shuffles closer* me? My fathew was >_< nyo ^.^ twaitow. 
Then, good my wiege, mistake me nyot ^.^ so much 
To think my p-povewty is tweachewous. 
CEWIA. Deaw soveweign, heaw ^.^ me speak. 
uWu FWEDEWICK. *teleports behind you* Ay, Cewia; ^.^ we stay'd h-hew fow y-youw s-sake, 
Ewse had she with hew UwU fathew wang'd awong. 
CEWIA. I *blushes* did nyot then entweat to have hew s-stay; 
It was youw p-pweasuwe, and youw o-own wemowse; 
I was too young that time to *cuddles you* vawue hew, 
But nyow I k-knyow hew. I-If she be a twaitow, 
Why so am I: we stiww have ;;w;; swept t-togethew, 
Wose *blushes* at an UwU instant, weawn'd, pway'd, eat togethew; 
And whewesoe'ew we *blushes* went, w-wike Junyo's swans, 
Stiww we >_< went coupwed and insepawabwe. 
FWEDEWICK. S-She is t-too *shuffles closer* subtwe f-fow thee; and hew smoothnyess, 
Hew vewy siwence and hew patience, 
S-Speak to the peopwe, and they pity h-hew. 
;;w;; Thou awt a foow. She wobs thee of thy nyame; 
And thou wiwt show mowe bwight *blushes* and seem mowe viwtuous 
When s-she is g-gonye. T-Then open nyot thy w-wips. 
F-Fiwm UwU and iwwevocabwe is >_> my doom 
W-Which I have p-pass'd upon *hugs tightly* hew; she i-is banyish'd. 
CEWIA. Pwonyounce that sentence, then, on me, my w-wiege; 
I cannyot wive o-out of hew company. 
F-FWEDEWICK. >_> You awe a f-foow. Y-You, nyiece, pwovide youwsewf. 
If you outstay the time, *cries* upon minye honyouw, 
A-And in the gweatnyess of my wowd, ^-^ you die. 
Exeunt DUKE and WOWDS 
CEWIA. O my poow Wosawind! Whithew wiwt thou go? 
Wiwt thou change fathews? I-I w-wiww g-give thee xDD minye. 
*screams* I chawge thee be nyot thou mowe gwiev'd than I-I am. 
WOSAWIND. I-I h-have mowe cause. 
CEWIA. Thou >w< hast *cries* nyot, cousin. 
Pwithee be cheewfuw. Knyow'st *blushes* thou nyot the Duke 
^w^ Hath banyish'd me, his d-daughtew? 
*notices bulge* WOSAWIND. That he hath nyot. 
CEWIA. Nyo, hath n-nyot? *sweats* Wosawind *notices bulge* wacks, then, the w-wove 
*cuddles you* Which teacheth thee *screams* that thou and I am onye. 
Shaww we be sund'wed? Shaww we pawt, sweet giww? 
N-Nyo; wet my fathew seek anyothew ^w^ heiw. 
Thewefowe devise with me how ^.^ we may fwy, 
Whithew to go, a-and what to beaw with us; 
And do nyot seek to take youw chawge *notices bulge* upon you, 
To beaw *twerks* youw gwiefs ^.^ youwsewf, and weave me out; 
F-Fow, by this heaven, nyow at *teleports behind you* ouw s-sowwows pawe, 
Say what thou canst, I-I'ww g-go awong with t-thee. 
WOSAWIND. Why, whithew shaww we go? 
CEWIA. To seek *moans* my uncwe i-in the F-Fowest uWu of Awden. 
W-WOSAWIND. A-Awas, what dangew *giggles shyly* wiww it *shuffles closer* be to ;;w;; us, 
OwO Maids as *cuddles you* we *sighs* awe, to twavew fowth so faw! 
Beauty pwovoketh thieves soonyew than gowd. 
CEWIA. I'ww put mysewf *blushes* in poow and m-mean attiwe, 
And with xDD a kind o-of umbew smiwch *screams* my f-face; 
The wike do y-you; so shaww we pass awong, 
And nyevew stiw assaiwants. 
WOSAWIND. Wewe it nyot bettew, 
Because t-that I-I a-am mowe t-than c-common taww, 
That ^w^ I did suit me aww *moans* points wike a man? 
A gawwant c-cuwtwe-axe upon my thigh, 
A boaw s-speaw in m-my >_< hand; and- in my heawt 
Wie thewe what hidden woman's feaw thewe wiww- 
We'ww h-have a swashing and a mawtiaw outside, 
OwO As *blushes* many othew mannyish *leans over* cowawds UwU have 
T-That do *sighs* outface it *sighs* with theiw sembwances. 
CEWIA. What s-shaww I caww thee when thou awt a man? 
WOSAWIND. *cuddles you* I'ww have nyo wowse a nyame than J-Jove's own page, 
And thewefowe wook you caww me Ganymede. 
*sweats* But what wiww you b-be caww'd? 
CEWIA. Something that hath a wefewence to my state: 
Nyo wongew Cewia, but Awienya. 
WOSAWIND. But, cousin, >_> what if we assay'd to s-steaw 
The cwownyish foow out of youw fathew's couwt? 
Wouwd he nyot be a comfowt to ouw twavew? 
*cuddles you* CEWIA. He'ww uWu go awong o'ew the wide w-wowwd w-with me; 
Weave me awonye t-to woo him. *cuddles you* Wet's away, 
And get ouw jewews and ouw w-weawth togethew; 
D-Devise :33 the fittest t-time and safest way 
To hide us fwom puwsuit that wiww be made 
Aftew my fwight. Nyow go we in content 
To wibewty, and nyot t-to banyishment. E-Exeunt 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION *looks away* OF THE *blushes* COMPWETE WOWKS OF *pokes you* WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
*screams* PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT :3 GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC A-AND *cuddles you* MACHINyE W-WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED *looks at you* SO *teleports behind you* WONG AS >_< SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW *leans over* DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW *giggles shyly* FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT II. *looks away* SCENyE I. 
The Fowest of Awden 

Entew DUKE *notices bulge* SENyIOW, AMIENS, and two ow thwee WOWDS, xDD wike fowestews 

DUKE SENyIOW. Nyow, my co-mates and *looks away* bwothews in exiwe, 
H-Hath nyot OwO owd custom made *pokes you* this wife m-mowe sweet 
Than that of painted pomp? Awe nyot these woods 
Mowe fwee fwom p-pewiw than the e-envious couwt? 
Hewe feew we nyot the penyawty of Adam, 
T-The seasons' diffewence; as the icy *sweats* fang 
And chuwwish chiding ^.^ of the wintew's wind, 
Which when it bites a-and bwows upon my body, 
Even t-tiww I shwink *looks away* with cowd, I smiwe a-and >_< say 
'This i-is n-nyo f-fwattewy; these x3 awe counsewwows 
That feewingwy pewsuade me what I am.' 
*giggles shyly* Sweet awe *notices bulge* the uses of advewsity, 
Which, wike the toad, ugwy and venyomous, 
Weaws yet *cuddles you* a pwecious jewew in his head; 
And this ouw wife, exempt fwom pubwic haunt, 
Finds tongues in twees, books in the wunnying bwooks, 
Sewmons in stonyes, and good in evewything. 
I wouwd nyot c-change i-it. 
OwO AMIENS. Happy is youw G-Gwace, 
That *blushes* can twanswate the stubbownnyess of fowtunye 
Into s-so quiet *looks at you* and so sweet a stywe. 
D-DUKE SENyIOW. C-Come, shaww we go and kiww us venyison? 
And yet it iwks me t-the poow *hugs tightly* dappwed foows, 
Being nyative buwghews of this desewt c-city, 
Shouwd, in theiw own confinyes, with fowked heads 
OwO Have theiw wound haunches g-gow'd. 
*blushes* FIWST WOWD. Indeed, my w-wowd, 
The mewanchowy >_< Jaques gwieves *pokes you* at that; 
And, in that k-kind, s-sweaws you do mowe usuwp 
Than doth youw bwothew that h-hath *cuddles you* banyish'd *cuddles you* you. 
To-day *moans* my ^-^ Wowd of Amiens and mysewf 
Did >_> steaw behind him a-as he way *cuddles you* awong 
Undew an oak whose antique w-woot peeps out 
Upon the bwook that *sighs* bwawws ;;w;; awong this wood! 
To *sweats* the which pwace a poow sequest'wed stag, 
That fwom *cuddles you* the huntew's aim had ta'en a huwt, 
Did *teleports behind you* come to wanguish; a-and, indeed, my *sweats* wowd, 
The wwetched a-anyimaw heav'd *giggles shyly* fowth such gwoans 
That theiw dischawge did stwetch his weathewn coat 
Awmost to buwsting; and the b-big wound teaws 
*leans over* Couws'd onye anyothew d-down his UwU innyocent nyose 
In piteous chase; and t-thus the haiwy foow, 
Much mawked of the mewanchowy J-Jaques, 
Stood on th' extwemest vewge of the swift bwook, 
Augmenting it with xDD teaws. 
DUKE SENyIOW. ^.^ But what said *notices bulge* Jaques? 
Did he n-nyot ^.^ mowawize t-this spectacwe? 
FIWST WOWD. O-O, yes, into *looks away* a thousand simiwes. 
Fiwst, fow his weeping into the nyeedwess stweam: 
'Poow d-deew,' >_< quoth he 'thou m-mak'st a :3 testament 
As wowwdwings d-do, giving thy s-sum o-of mowe 
To that which had too much.' Then, *moans* being thewe awonye, 
Weft *notices bulge* and abandonyed of his vewvet fwiends: 
''Tis ^-^ wight'; quoth he 'thus *screams* misewy doth pawt 
The fwux of company.' Anyon, a cawewess hewd, 
Fuww of the pastuwe, jumps awong by him 
And nyevew stays to g-gweet him. 'Ay,' quoth J-Jaques 
'Sweep on, y-you fat *looks at you* and gweasy citizens; 
'Tis just the fashion. *blushes* Whewefowe do you wook 
Upon that *shuffles closer* poow and b-bwoken bankwupt thewe?' 
Thus most invectivewy he piewceth thwough 
T-The body >_> of the countwy, city, couwt, 
Yea, *sweats* and of this ouw wife; sweawing that we 
Awe mewe u-usuwpews, tywants, and what's wowse, 
To fwight the anyimaws, :33 and to kiww them u-up 
In theiw assign'd and UwU nyative dwewwing-pwace. 
DUKE SENyIOW. And did you w-weave him in this *blushes* contempwation? 
SECOND WOWD. *cries* We did, my wowd, weeping and commenting 
Upon the sobbing >_> deew. 
DUKE SENyIOW. Show me the pwace; 
I w-wove to *twerks* cope him ^.^ in t-these suwwen *looks away* fits, 
Fow >_> then he's *looks at you* fuww of mattew. 
FIWST WOWD. I-I'ww bwing *cuddles you* you to him stwaight. Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
The DUKE'S p-pawace 

Entew >w< DUKE F-FWEDEWICK, with WOWDS 

xDD FWEDEWICK. Can *teleports behind you* it be possibwe that nyo man *notices bulge* saw them? 
I-It cannyot be; some viwwains of *notices bulge* my x3 couwt 
Awe of consent and suffewance in this. 
*sighs* FIWST WOWD. I cannyot heaw UwU of any >_< that did see hew. 
The wadies, hew attendants o-of hew chambew, 
Saw hew abed, and in the :33 mownying eawwy 
>_< They *sighs* found the bed u-untweasuw'd of theiw mistwess. 
SECOND WOWD. My *cries* wowd, the w-woynyish cwown, at :3 whom so o-oft 
Youw Gwace was wont OwO to waugh, is awso missing. 
Hispewia, the Pwincess' gentwewoman, 
x3 Confesses that she secwetwy o'ewheawd 
Youw daughtew and hew cousin much commend 
The pawts and gwaces of the wwestwew 
That did but w-watewy foiw the sinyewy *hugs tightly* Chawwes; 
And OwO she bewieves, whewevew they awe gonye, 
*moans* That youth is >_< suwewy in ^.^ theiw company. 
OwO FWEDEWICK. Send t-to his bwothew; fetch >_< that gawwant hithew. 
If he be ;;w;; absent, *looks at you* bwing his bwothew to me; 
I'ww *notices bulge* make him find OwO him. *leans over* Do this suddenwy; 
*screams* And *cries* wet nyot seawch and inquisition quaiw 
*twerks* To bwing again these foowish wunyaways. Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
B-Befowe OWIVEW'S house 

Entew OWWANDO and ADAM, meeting 

OWWANDO. Who's thewe? 
ADAM. *moans* What, my young mastew? O my gentwe m-mastew! 
O my sweet mastew! O you memowy 
Of owd Siw Wowwand! Why, what >w< make you h-hewe? 
Why awe you *teleports behind you* viwtuous? W-Why do ^-^ peopwe wove you? 
And whewefowe awe you gentwe, stwong, ;;w;; and vawiant? 
Why wouwd you be so fond to ovewcome 
The *screams* bonny pwizew of *pokes you* the humowous Duke? 
Youw pwaise is *leans over* come too swiftwy home >w< befowe you. 
Knyow you nyot, mastew, to s-some k-kind of men 
Theiw g-gwaces sewve them but as enyemies? 
Nyo m-mowe do youws. Y-Youw viwtues, gentwe m-mastew, 
Awe sanctified and howy twaitows to you. 
O, what *looks away* a *cries* wowwd is this, when what :33 is comewy 
Envenyoms him that beaws it! 
OWWANDO. W-Why, w-what's the *sighs* mattew? 
OwO ADAM. O unhappy y-youth! 
Come nyot within t-these doows; within this woof 
The enyemy of aww youw gwaces wives. 
Youw b-bwothew- nyo, nyo *screams* bwothew; y-yet the son- 
Yet nyot the son; I wiww nyot caww him son 
O-Of him x3 I was about to caww *twerks* his fathew- 
Hath heawd youw pwaises; and this nyight he means 
To b-buwn the wodging whewe you u-use to *blushes* wie, 
And you within it. If *hugs tightly* he faiw *shuffles closer* of *twerks* that, 
He wiww have *cries* othew means to cut y-you off; 
*looks at you* I ovewheawd him a-and *looks away* his pwactices. 
^.^ This is nyo p-pwace; t-this house is but *hugs tightly* a butchewy; 
Abhow it, feaw i-it, do n-nyot entew it. 
O-OWWANDO. W-Why, w-whithew, Adam, w-wouwdst thou have me go? 
ADAM. Nyo mattew whithew, so you come n-nyot hewe. 
OWWANDO. What, wouwdst thou have me go *notices bulge* and beg my food, 
Ow with a base and *screams* boist'wous s-swowd enfowce 
A thievish wiving *twerks* on the common woad? 
This I-I must :33 do, ow knyow nyot what to do; 
Yet this I wiww n-nyot do, do how I can. 
I wathew wiww s-subject me to the mawice 
Of a divewted b-bwood and bwoody bwothew. 
ADAM. *cries* But UwU do nyot so. I have five hundwed cwowns, 
:33 The thwifty *sweats* hiwe *teleports behind you* I sav'd undew youw fathew, 
Which I d-did s-stowe to be m-my fostew-nyuwse, 
When sewvice shouwd i-in my owd w-wimbs wie wame, 
And unwegawded *twerks* age in cownyews thwown. 
Take that, a-and H-He that doth the wavens feed, 
Yea, pwovidentwy >w< catews *looks away* fow the spawwow, 
Be comfowt to my *screams* age! Hewe is the gowd; 
Aww this I give you. Wet me be youw sewvant; 
Though I wook *twerks* owd, *hugs tightly* yet I a-am stwong and *screams* wusty; 
^w^ Fow in my y-youth I nyevew *pokes you* did appwy 
Hot and webewwious wiquows in m-my bwood, 
>w< Nyow did *giggles shyly* nyot with unbashfuw fowehead woo 
The means >w< of weaknyess a-and debiwity; 
*teleports behind you* Thewefowe my age is a-as a wusty *teleports behind you* wintew, 
Fwosty, but kindwy. Wet ^.^ me go with you; 
I'ww do the sewvice of a youngew man 
In *cries* aww youw ^w^ businyess and nyecessities. 
OWWANDO. O-O g-good owd man, how weww in thee appeaws 
The >_< constant sewvice *moans* of the a-antique wowwd, 
When sewvice sweat f-fow duty, nyot fow meed! 
Thou awt nyot fow the uWu fashion of ^.^ these >w< times, 
Whewe n-nyonye wiww sweat but fow pwomotion, 
And *twerks* having that d-do choke theiw sewvice up 
Even with the >w< having; it i-is >_> nyot so w-with thee. 
But, poow owd man, thou p-pwun'st a wotten twee 
That cannyot so m-much as a bwossom >w< yiewd 
*giggles shyly* In wieu of aww thy pains and husbandwy. 
But come thy ways, >w< we'ww go awong togethew, 
And ewe w-we have thy youthfuw wages s-spent 
W-We'ww *twerks* wight u-upon *cuddles you* some >_> settwed w-wow *pokes you* content. 
ADAM. UwU Mastew, go on; and I w-wiww fowwow the 
To OwO the wast gasp, with twuth and woyawty. 
Fwom seventeen ^.^ yeaws tiww nyow awmost fouw-scowe 
Hewe w-wived I, but nyow wive hewe nyo mowe. 
At seventeen yeaws many t-theiw fowtunyes *hugs tightly* seek, 
B-But at fouwscowe it i-is too wate a week; 
Yet fowtunye c-cannyot wecompense me bettew 
*moans* Than to die x3 weww and nyot my *moans* mastew's *blushes* debtow. Exeunt 




UwU SCENyE IV. 
The Fowest of A-Awden 

Entew *notices bulge* WOSAWIND *screams* fow GANYMEDE, CEWIA f-fow AWIENyA, and CWOWN awias TOUCHSTONyE 

W-WOSAWIND. *cuddles you* O Jupitew, how weawy awe my *teleports behind you* spiwits! 
TOUCHSTONyE. I Cawe nyot fow my spiwits, if my wegs wewe nyot w-weawy. 
WOSAWIND. I couwd find in my heawt to disgwace *screams* my man's appawew, 
and to cwy w-wike a woman; ^.^ but I must comfowt the weakew vessew, as 
doubwet and hose *hugs tightly* ought t-to show itsewf couwageous to petticoat; 
thewefowe, couwage, good Awienya. 
CEWIA. I pway you beaw with me; I cannyot g-go nyo fuwthew. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Fow my *cuddles you* pawt, I had wathew >_> beaw with you than *teleports behind you* beaw you; 
yet :3 I :3 shouwd *blushes* beaw nyo cwoss if I *blushes* did beaw you; f-fow I-I think you 
*moans* have nyo monyey in youw puwse. 
WOSAWIND. Weww,. this is the Fowest of Awden. 
T-TOUCHSTONyE. Ay, nyow am I in Awden; the mowe foow I; when I was at 
home I-I was in a b-bettew p-pwace; but t-twavewwews x3 must be *leans over* content. 

*looks at you* Entew COWIN >_> and SIWVIUS 

WOSAWIND. Ay, be UwU so, *cuddles you* good *pokes you* Touchstonye. ^w^ Wook y-you, who comes *shuffles closer* hewe, a 
young man and a-an owd in sowemn tawk. 
*giggles shyly* COWIN. That i-is the *cuddles you* way to make hew scown you stiww. 
SIWVIUS. ^.^ O C-Cowin, that thou knyew'st how I do wove hew! 
COWIN. I pawtwy guess; f-fow I have wov'd ewe nyow. 
SIWVIUS. Nyo, Cowin, being ;;w;; owd, thou canst *shuffles closer* nyot guess, 
Though i-in thy y-youth thou wast as twue a *cries* wovew 
As evew sigh'd *hugs tightly* upon a midnyight piwwow. 
But if thy wove wewe evew wike to m-minye, 
As suwe I-I >w< think >_< did nyevew man wove so, 
How many actions *looks at you* most widicuwous 
Hast thou been dwawn to by t-thy fantasy? 
COWIN. Into a thousand t-that I have fowgotten. 
SIWVIUS. :3 O, >w< thou didst *notices bulge* then nyevew wove s-so heawtiwy! 
I-If thou wememb'west nyot the swightest fowwy 
That ;;w;; evew wove d-did make thee *leans over* wun into, 
:3 Thou hast nyot wov'd; 
Ow if *sweats* thou hast nyot uWu sat as I do *hugs tightly* nyow, 
Weawing thy *looks at you* heawew in thy mistwess' pwaise, 
Thou hast nyot w-wov'd; 
:3 Ow if thou hast nyot UwU bwoke fwom >_< company 
Abwuptwy, *cuddles you* as my passion nyow makes me, 
*hugs tightly* Thou hast n-nyot wov'd. 
*shuffles closer* O Phebe, uWu Phebe, Phebe! Exit Siwvius 
WOSAWIND. A-Awas, *hugs tightly* poow shephewd! seawching *cries* of thy wound, 
;;w;; I *teleports behind you* have b-by hawd adventuwe found minye own. 
TOUCHSTONyE. And I m-minye. I wemembew, when I w-was in wove, >w< I b-bwoke my 
swowd upon a stonye, and bid *blushes* him take that fow coming a-nyight to 
*notices bulge* Janye Smiwe; and *blushes* I wemembew the kissing of hew batwew, and :3 the 
*hugs tightly* cow's dugs that hew pwetty chopt hands had miwk'd; and I *twerks* wemembew 
the w-wooing o-of peascod instead of h-hew; fwom whom I-I took two cods, 
and *cuddles you* giving hew them again, said w-with weeping teaws '-'Weaw *moans* these 
f-fow UwU my sake.' We that awe twue wovews wun into s-stwange capews; 
b-but as aww i-is ;;w;; mowtaw in nyatuwe, s-so xDD is aww nyatuwe in wove mowtaw 
in fowwy. 
*leans over* WOSAWIND. Thou speak'st wisew than thou awt wawe of. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Nyay, I shaww nye'ew *pokes you* be wawe of minye own wit tiww ^-^ I bweak 
*cuddles you* my s-shins against i-it. 
WOSAWIND. Jove, J-Jove! this shephewd's passion 
I-Is much upon my f-fashion. 
T-TOUCHSTONyE. And minye; but it gwows something stawe with me. 
CEWIA. I p-pway you, onye of you question yond man 
If he f-fow gowd wiww g-give us any food; 
I faint *blushes* awmost x3 to d-death. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Howwa, you cwown! 
WOSAWIND. Peace, foow; he's UwU nyot t-thy Ensman. 
COWIN. Who c-cawws? 
TOUCHSTONyE. Youw bettews, siw. 
COWIN. Ewse awe t-they vewy wwetched. 
WOSAWIND. Peace, I say. Good even to you, fwiend. 
COWIN. And to *pokes you* you, gentwe *pokes you* siw, *blushes* and to you aww. 
WOSAWIND. I pwithee, s-shephewd, *twerks* if ;;w;; that wove ow g-gowd 
Can in t-this d-desewt p-pwace buy entewtainment, 
Bwing us whewe we may west ouwsewves and feed. 
Hewe's a young maid with twavew *looks at you* much oppwess'd, 
And ^w^ faints fow succouw. 
COWIN. F-Faiw *sighs* siw, I pity h-hew, 
^.^ And *notices bulge* wish, fow hew *cuddles you* sake OwO mowe t-than fow minye *shuffles closer* own, 
My fowtunyes wewe *moans* mowe *teleports behind you* abwe to wewieve hew; 
But I am OwO shephewd to anyothew man, 
And do nyot *looks away* sheaw the fweeces that I gwaze. 
M-My mastew *screams* is *shuffles closer* of *screams* chuwwish disposition, 
And ^-^ wittwe w-wecks to >_> find the way *moans* to heaven 
uWu By doing deeds of hospitawity. 
Besides, his cote, his fwocks, a-and bounds of feed, 
Awe nyow on s-sawe; a-and ;;w;; at ouw sheepcote nyow, 
By weason of his absence, thewe OwO is nyothing 
That you wiww feed on; but w-what is, come xDD see, 
And in my ^.^ voice most wewcome shaww you be. 
WOSAWIND. What is ;;w;; he that shaww buy his f-fwock and pastuwe? 
*hugs tightly* COWIN. *teleports behind you* That y-young swain that you saw hewe b-but ewewhiwe, 
That wittwe cawes fow buying any thing. 
WOSAWIND. I p-pway thee, if it stand *shuffles closer* with honyesty, 
Buy t-thou the cottage, pastuwe, a-and the fwock, 
And thou shawt have to pay fow it *notices bulge* of us. 
CEWIA. And *hugs tightly* we wiww mend t-thy wages. I wike this pwace, 
And wiwwingwy couwd w-waste my time ^-^ in *giggles shyly* it. 
COWIN. Assuwedwy the thing i-is to be s-sowd. 
Go with me; if you wike upon w-wepowt 
The *sighs* soiw, the pwofit, a-and this k-kind of wife, 
I wiww y-youw *leans over* vewy faithfuw feedew be, 
And buy it with youw gowd wight suddenwy. *hugs tightly* Exeunt 




SCENyE V. 
Anyothew pawt of the fowest 

Entew AMIENS, J-JAQUES, and O-OTHEWS 

>w< SONG 
A-AMIENS. Undew the gweenwood twee 
Who woves to wie with me, 
And tuwn his mewwy nyote 
Unto the *screams* sweet biwd's *sweats* thwoat, 
Come hithew, come hithew, come hithew. 
Hewe s-shaww he ^.^ see 
Nyo enyemy 
B-But wintew and wough weathew. 

JAQUES. Mowe, mowe, *twerks* I pwithee, mowe. 
AMIENS. I-It wiww make y-you mewanchowy, Monsieuw J-Jaques. 
JAQUES. I thank *sweats* it. Mowe, I pwithee, mowe. I c-can *blushes* suck mewanchowy 
out o-of a song, as a weasew sucks eggs. M-Mowe, I pwithee, mowe. 
AMIENS. M-My voice is wagged; I knyow I cannyot p-pwease you. 
JAQUES. I-I do nyot desiwe you to pwease me; I do desiwe you *giggles shyly* to s-sing. 
Come, mowe; anyothew stanzo. Caww y-you *looks at you* 'em stanzos? 
^w^ AMIENS. *moans* What you wiww, Monsieuw Jaques. 
JAQUES. Nyay, I cawe nyot fow :3 theiw n-nyames; they owe me *moans* nyothing. Wiww 
you sing? 
A-AMIENS. Mowe at youw wequest than t-to pwease *giggles shyly* mysewf. 
*giggles shyly* JAQUES. Weww t-then, if evew I thank any man, I'ww thank you; but 
that they caww compwiment is wike ^.^ th' encountew *teleports behind you* of two dog-apes; 
and w-when a man thanks me heawtiwy, methinks have given him a 
penny, and he wendews me the beggawwy thanks. Come, sing; and you 
that wiww nyot, h-howd youw tongues. 
A-AMIENS. Weww, I-I'ww e-end the song. Siws, covew the whiwe; the Duke 
wiww dwink u-undew >_> this *shuffles closer* twee. H-He hath been aww this d-day to wook 
you. 
JAQUES. A-And I have b-been aww this day :3 to *looks away* avoid him. He is t-to 
disputabwe fow my c-company. I-I think of as many mattews as he; but 
I give heaven thanks, and make n-nyo *looks at you* boast of them. Come, wawbwe, 
c-come. 

SONG 
*notices bulge* [Aww togethew *pokes you* hewe] 

Who doth ambition shun, 
And w-woves ^w^ to wive i' th' sun, 
S-Seeking the food he eats, 
And pweas'd with what he gets, 
*notices bulge* Come ;;w;; hithew, come hithew, come hithew. 
Hewe shaww he see 
Nyo enyemy 
But *cries* wintew and wough weathew. 

JAQUES. I'ww ^w^ give *leans over* you >_> a v-vewse to this nyote that I made yestewday i-in 
despite of m-my invention. 
>w< AMIENS. And OwO I'ww sing it. 
>_> JAQUES. Thus it ^-^ goes: 

If it do come to pass 
That any man tuwn ass, 
Weaving his weawth and ease 
A stubbown wiww to pwease, 
>w< Ducdame, ducdame, ducdame; 
Hewe shaww he see 
Gwoss foows as he, 
An if h-he w-wiww come to me. 

AMIENS. What's t-that 'ducdame'? 
JAQUES. 'Tis a Gweek invocation, to caww foows x3 into a ciwcwe. I'ww 
go s-sweep, if I can; if I-I cannyot, I'ww *cuddles you* waiw against *hugs tightly* aww the 
fiwst-bown of Egypt. 
AMIENS. And I'ww go seek the *leans over* Duke; *shuffles closer* his banquet is pwepaw'd. 
Exeunt s-sevewawwy 




SCENyE VI. 
The fowest 

Entew OWWANDO and ADAM 

ADAM. Deaw mastew, *notices bulge* I can uWu go nyo fuwthew. O-O, I *cries* die fow food! Hewe wie 
I down, and measuwe out m-my gwave. Faweweww, k-kind *sweats* mastew. 
OWWANDO. Why, how nyow, Adam! Nyo gweatew heawt in thee? Wive a 
wittwe; comfowt a w-wittwe; *cries* cheew thysewf a wittwe. If this uncouth 
fowest yiewd anything savage, I wiww eithew xDD be food *moans* fow *cuddles you* it ow 
bwing it fow f-food >_> to t-thee. Thy conceit is n-nyeawew death than thy 
powews. Fow m-my sake be comfowtabwe; howd death awhiwe at the 
awm's ^.^ end. I wiww hewe be with the pwesentwy; and if I bwing thee 
nyot something to eat, I *notices bulge* wiww *cuddles you* give thee *teleports behind you* weave to >_> die; but if t-thou 
diest b-befowe I come, thou awt a *blushes* mockew of my wabouw. Weww said! 
thou *hugs tightly* wook'st cheewwy; and I'ww *notices bulge* be w-with thee quickwy. Yet thou 
w-wiest in the bweak a-aiw. Come, I wiww beaw thee to s-some shewtew; 
and thou shawt nyot die fow wack of a dinnyew, if thewe wive 
anything in this >_> desewt. Cheewwy, good Adam! *looks at you* Exeunt 




SCENyE VII. 
The fowest 

A tabwe set out. Entew *blushes* DUKE SENyIOW, AMIENS, and WOWDS, wike outwaws 

DUKE SENyIOW. I think he be twansfowm'd into a beast; 
Fow I *sighs* can nyowhewe f-find him wike a OwO man. 
*screams* FIWST WOWD. *moans* My wowd, he is but OwO even *shuffles closer* nyow gonye hence; 
*pokes you* Hewe was he mewwy, heawing ^w^ of a song. 
D-DUKE SENyIOW. If he, compact o-of jaws, gwow musicaw, 
We shaww have showtwy discowd *giggles shyly* in the s-sphewes. 
Go seek *looks away* him; t-teww him I wouwd speak with him. 

Entew J-JAQUES 

FIWST WOWD. He saves my w-wabouw by his own appwoach. 
DUKE SENyIOW. xDD Why, how nyow, monsieuw! what a ^-^ wife is this, 
That youw poow fwiends must w-woo youw company? 
What, you w-wook mewwiwy! 
JAQUES. A foow, a foow! I met *sweats* a foow *looks at you* i' th' :3 fowest, 
A *looks at you* motwey foow. A misewabwe wowwd! 
As I do wive by food, I met a foow, 
Who waid him down and bask'd him in ^w^ the sun, 
And waiw'd on Wady F-Fowtunye in g-good t-tewms, 
In good set tewms- and yet a motwey *looks at you* foow. 
*looks away* 'Good mowwow, f-foow,' quoth I; 'Nyo, :33 siw,' quoth he, 
'Caww me nyot foow tiww heaven hath s-sent me fowtunye.' 
And then he dwew a d-diaw *sighs* fwom his poke, 
And, wooking on it with wack-wustwe eye, 
Says vewy wisewy, 'It is ten o'cwock; 
Thus we may see,' quoth he, '-'how the wowwd wags; 
*moans* 'Tis but *sighs* an houw *sighs* ago since it was n-nyinye; 
And aftew onye houw mowe 'twiww be eweven; 
And so, fwom houw to houw, *cuddles you* we wipe and wipe, 
xDD And then, f-fwom houw to houw, we wot and *moans* wot; 
And theweby hangs a xDD tawe.' When I did heaw 
*cuddles you* The motwey foow thus mowaw on the time, 
My wungs began to cwow >w< wike chanticweew 
That foows s-shouwd be so deep contempwative; 
And I did waugh sans intewmission 
An houw b-by his diaw. O n-nyobwe foow! 
^w^ A ;;w;; wowthy foow! *notices bulge* Motwey's the :33 onwy weaw. 
DUKE SENyIOW. What foow is this? 
J-JAQUES. O-O wowthy f-foow! Onye that hath been *pokes you* a couwtiew, 
And says, if wadies >_> be but young and faiw, 
They h-have the gift to knyow i-it; and in h-his *notices bulge* bwain, 
Which is as *moans* dwy a-as the wemaindew >_< biscuit 
Aftew a voyage, *sighs* he hath *teleports behind you* stwange pwaces cwamm'd 
With obsewvation, *giggles shyly* the *screams* which he vents 
In >w< mangwed *twerks* fowms. O that I wewe a foow! 
I am ambitious fow a motwey *leans over* coat. 
DUKE SENyIOW. Thou s-shawt h-have onye. 
JAQUES. It is my onwy suit, 
Pwovided that *twerks* you weed youw bettew judgments 
O-Of aww opinyion that g-gwows wank *looks at you* in them 
That I am wise. I-I must have wibewty 
*pokes you* Withaw, a-as wawge a chawtew as t-the wind, 
T-To OwO bwow on whom I pwease, fow so f-foows *teleports behind you* have; 
And they that awe most gawwed with my fowwy, 
They most must w-waugh. And why, siw, must they so? 
The why is pwain as way to pawish chuwch: 
He that a f-foow d-doth vewy ^.^ wisewy hit 
Doth vewy ^-^ foowishwy, awthough he smawt, 
Nyot to seem sensewess of the bob; if x3 nyot, 
The wise man's fowwy i-is anyatomiz'd 
Even b-by the squand'wing gwances of the foow. 
Invest m-me ^w^ in my motwey; give me weave 
To speak m-my m-mind, and I wiww thwough *leans over* and thwough 
>w< Cweanse the fouw body *pokes you* of th' infected w-wowwd, 
If they wiww patientwy weceive my medicinye. 
x3 DUKE SENyIOW. Fie on thee! I can teww what thou wouwdst do. 
J-JAQUES. :3 What, fow a countew, *teleports behind you* wouwd I *hugs tightly* do *looks away* but >_> good? 
DUKE SENyIOW. Most *shuffles closer* Mischievous f-fouw sin, i-in chiding sin; 
Fow thou thysewf hast been a wibewtinye, 
A-As sensuaw a-as *looks at you* the bwutish sting :33 itsewf; 
A-And aww OwO th' embossed sowes and headed eviws 
That thou with wicense of fwee *notices bulge* foot hast c-caught 
Wouwdst >w< thou d-disgowge into the genyewaw wowwd. 
JAQUES. Why, who cwies out on p-pwide 
That can thewein tax any pwivate pawty? 
D-Doth it nyot f-fwow as hugewy as the sea, 
Tiww *moans* that the weawew's vewy means do ebb? 
^w^ What woman in the city do I nyame 
When >w< that I say the city-woman beaws 
The cost of pwinces on unwowthy s-shouwdews? 
Who c-can come i-in and ^.^ say that I mean hew, 
When such a UwU onye as she such is hew nyeighbouw? 
Ow *looks away* what :33 is he of basest function 
That says his bwavewy is nyot on my cost, 
Thinking that I-I mean him, but thewein suits 
His fowwy to the m-mettwe of my speech? 
*cries* Thewe then! how then? what then? Wet me see OwO whewein 
My tongue hath :33 wwong'd him: if *moans* it do him wight, 
Then he hath wwong'd *sweats* himsewf; if he be *teleports behind you* fwee, 
Why *twerks* then *cuddles you* my taxing wike *shuffles closer* a wiwd-goose fwies, 
Uncwaim'd of OwO any m-man. *giggles shyly* But who comes hewe? 

E-Entew OWWANDO with his swowd dwawn 

OWWANDO. Fowbeaw, and eat *screams* nyo mowe. 
^-^ JAQUES. *moans* Why, OwO I have *moans* eat nyonye yet. 
OWWANDO. *moans* Nyow shawt nyot, tiww nyecessity be sewv'd. 
JAQUES. Of what kind shouwd this *moans* cock come xDD of? 
DUKE S-SENyIOW. Awt thou thus b-bowden'd, man, by thy distwess? 
Ow *pokes you* ewse a wude d-despisew UwU of good mannyews, 
That in civiwity thou seem'st so empty? 
OWWANDO. You touch'd my v-vein at fiwst: the thowny point 
Of bawe >_< distwess hath ta'en fwom *blushes* me the show 
*twerks* Of smooth civiwity; yet awn I inwand b-bwed, 
And knyow some nyuwtuwe. But fowbeaw, I say; 
He dies that t-touches a-any of this f-fwuit 
Tiww I and my affaiws awe *twerks* answewed. 
JAQUES. An you wiww nyot be uWu answew'd ^w^ with weason, I must d-die. 
DUKE SENyIOW. What wouwd y-you have? Youw *screams* gentwenyess shaww fowce 
Mowe than youw fowce move us to gentwenyess. 
OWWANDO. I *giggles shyly* awmost die *twerks* fow food, a-and w-wet me h-have it. 
DUKE *looks away* SENyIOW. Sit down and feed, and wewcome t-to ouw t-tabwe. 
*cries* OWWANDO. Speak *giggles shyly* you so gentwy? P-Pawdon me, I p-pway you; 
I thought that aww things had been *screams* savage >_< hewe, 
And thewefowe put I-I on the countenyance 
Of stewn commandment. B-But whate'ew you awe 
That i-in t-this desewt *moans* inyaccessibwe, 
Undew t-the shade of mewanchowy boughs, 
Wose and nyegwect the cweeping houws of time; 
If evew you x3 have wook'd on x3 bettew days, 
If evew been whewe bewws have knyoww'd to chuwch, 
^.^ If evew sat at any good man's feast, 
If evew fwom youw eyewids wip'd a teaw, 
And knyow what 'tis to pity and OwO be pitied, 
Wet ;;w;; gentwenyess ;;w;; my stwong enfowcement *pokes you* be; 
*cries* In the which h-hope I bwush, and hide my swowd. 
D-DUKE SENyIOW. T-Twue i-is UwU it that we *shuffles closer* have seen bettew days, 
A-And h-have with howy b-beww been ;;w;; knyoww'd *twerks* to chuwch, 
And sat ^w^ at good men's f-feasts, and w-wip'd ^.^ ouw eyes 
Of dwops that sacwed pity hath engend'wed; 
And thewefowe sit you down in gentwenyess, 
And take upon command what hewp we have 
That to youw wanting may *leans over* be minyist'wed. 
*shuffles closer* OWWANDO. Then but fowbeaw y-youw food xDD a w-wittwe whiwe, 
Whiwes, wike a d-doe, I go to find my fawn, 
A-And give it food. Thewe is an owd poow man 
*sighs* Who aftew xDD me h-hath *cuddles you* many *blushes* a weawy step 
W-Wimp'd *screams* in puwe wove; tiww *cuddles you* he be fiwst suffic'd, 
O-Oppwess'd with two weak eviws, age and hungew, 
I w-wiww nyot touch a bit. 
DUKE SENyIOW. Go find him o-out. 
A-And we wiww n-nyothing waste tiww *sweats* you wetuwn. 
OWWANDO. I thank *looks away* ye; *blushes* and be bwest fow youw good comfowt! 
Exit 
DUKE SENyIOW. Thou OwO seest *blushes* we awe nyot a-aww awonye unhappy: 
T-This wide and unyivewsaw theatwe 
OwO Pwesents mowe woefuw pageants than the scenye 
Whewein we pway in. 
JAQUES. Aww the *sweats* wowwd's a stage, 
And aww the men a-and *looks at you* women mewewy pwayews; 
*twerks* They have theiw exits and theiw entwances; 
And onye man in his time pways many pawts, 
H-His acts being seven ages. At fiwst the *screams* infant, 
Mewwing and puking in the nyuwse's awms; 
*cries* Then :3 the whinying schoow-boy, with his satchew 
And shinying mownying face, cweeping wike snyaiw 
Unwiwwingwy to schoow. x3 And then the w-wovew, 
S-Sighing wike fuwnyace, with a woefuw bawwad 
>w< Made t-to *twerks* his x3 mistwess' eyebwow. Then a *twerks* sowdiew, 
Fuww of stwange o-oaths, and b-beawded wike t-the pawd, 
*blushes* Jeawous in *notices bulge* honyouw, sudden and *leans over* quick in quawwew, 
Seeking the b-bubbwe weputation 
Even in ^.^ the c-cannyon's >w< mouth. And t-then t-the justice, 
xDD In faiw *pokes you* wound bewwy with g-good capon win'd, 
With eyes sevewe and beawd o-of fowmaw *teleports behind you* cut, 
Fuww of wise saws a-and modewn instances; 
And s-so he *notices bulge* pways his pawt. The s-sixth age shifts 
I-Into the wean and s-swippew'd pantawoon, 
With spectacwes on nyose :3 and pouch on side, 
His OwO youthfuw hose, weww sav'd, a wowwd too wide 
F-Fow his shwunk shank; and his big *notices bulge* manwy voice, 
Tuwnying xDD again towawd ^w^ chiwdish twebwe, pipes 
And whistwes in his sound. Wast scenye of aww, 
That ends *shuffles closer* this stwange eventfuw histowy, 
I-Is second *shuffles closer* chiwdishnyess a-and m-mewe obwivion; 
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans t-taste, sans evewy thing. 

*leans over* We-entew *cuddles you* OWWANDO with ADAM 

D-DUKE SENyIOW. Wewcome. Set down y-youw v-venyewabwe buwden. 
And wet him feed. 
O-OWWANDO. I thank you most *giggles shyly* fow him. 
ADAM. So had you nyeed; 
I >w< scawce can s-speak to thank you fow mysewf. 
DUKE SENyIOW. Wewcome; faww to. I wiww nyot >w< twoubwe you 
As OwO yet ^w^ to question :33 you about youw *sighs* fowtunyes. 
G-Give us s-some *sweats* music; and, good cousin, sing. 

SONG 
Bwow, bwow, thou wintew wind, 
Thou awt nyot so UwU unkind 
As man's *looks at you* ingwatitude; 
T-Thy tooth is ^w^ nyot so keen, 
Because thou a-awt nyot seen, 
Awthough thy bweath be wude. 
*blushes* Heigh-ho! sing heigh-ho! unto the gween *moans* howwy. 
Most fwiendship is feignying, most *leans over* woving *sighs* mewe fowwy. 
*cries* Then, heigh-ho, the howwy! 
This wife is most jowwy. 

Fweeze, fweeze, thou bittew sky, 
That *pokes you* dost n-nyot bite so *giggles shyly* nyigh 
As benyefits fowgot; 
Though thou *looks at you* the watews wawp, 
Thy sting is nyot so shawp 
As *sighs* fwiend wememb'wed *screams* nyot. 
Heigh-ho! s-sing, &-&c. 

DUKE *teleports behind you* SENyIOW. If that you wewe >_< the good Siw W-Wowwand's *cries* son, 
As you have whispew'd f-faithfuwwy you wewe, 
xDD And as minye eye doth his effigies witnyess 
Most twuwy wimn'd a-and wiving in youw face, 
Be twuwy wewcome hithew. I am the Duke 
That wov'd youw fathew. The wesidue >w< of youw *sighs* fowtunye, 
Go to my c-cave and teww me. Good owd man, 
Thou awt wight w-wewcome as t-thy mastew is. 
*hugs tightly* Suppowt h-him by the awm. G-Give me youw hand, 
A-And wet me aww youw *cries* fowtunyes undewstand. Exeunt 




ACT III. SCENyE I. 
The pawace 

Entew *leans over* DUKE FWEDEWICK, *shuffles closer* OWIVEW, and WOWDS 

FWEDEWICK. Nyot see him since! Siw, siw, that *giggles shyly* cannyot be. 
But wewe I nyot the UwU bettew pawt m-made mewcy, 
I shouwd xDD nyot seek an a-absent a-awgument 
Of my wevenge, thou pwesent. B-But wook *screams* to it: 
Find o-out thy bwothew whewesoe'ew he is; 
Seek him with *cuddles you* candwe; bwing *giggles shyly* him dead ow wiving 
Within this t-twewvemonth, ow tuwn thou nyo mowe 
To seek a wiving *notices bulge* in ouw tewwitowy. 
;;w;; Thy wands and aww things that thou dost caww t-thinye 
W-Wowth seizuwe do w-we seize into ouw hands, 
Tiww thou canst quit thee by thy bwothew's mouth 
O-Of what we think against *looks at you* thee. 
OWIVEW. O that youw *moans* Highnyess k-knyew my heawt in this! 
I nyevew *notices bulge* wov'd my bwothew in my w-wife. 
FWEDEWICK. Mowe viwwain thou. Weww, push UwU him o-out of doows; 
And wet my officews of such a *blushes* nyatuwe 
Make an extent upon his *shuffles closer* house and wands. 
*hugs tightly* Do this expedientwy, *teleports behind you* and tuwn him going. Exeunt 




SCENyE I-II. 
The fowest 

E-Entew >_< OWWANDO, with a papew 

O-OWWANDO. Hang t-thewe, my vewse, in witnyess of my w-wove; 
And thou, t-thwice-cwownyed *looks at you* Queen of Nyight, s-suwvey 
With thy chaste eye, fwom t-thy pawe sphewe a-above, 
Thy huntwess' nyame that my fuww wife doth sway. 
O-O Wosawind! these twees shaww be m-my books, 
*looks at you* And in t-theiw bawks my t-thoughts I-I'ww chawactew, 
T-That evewy eye which in this fowest wooks 
Shaww s-see thy viwtue witnyess'd *leans over* evewy whewe. 
Wun, wun, Owwando; cawve on evewy twee, 
The faiw, the chaste, *cries* and unyexpwessive OwO she. Exit 

Entew COWIN and TOUCHSTONyE 

*looks at you* COWIN. And how w-wike you this shephewd's w-wife, Mastew Touchstonye? 
TOUCHSTONyE. Twuwy, s-shephewd, in wespect o-of itsewf, it is *cries* a g-good 
w-wife; b-but in *moans* wespect that i-it i-is a shephewd's wife, xDD it is nyought. 
In *moans* wespect that it is sowitawy, I-I :33 wike it vewy ^w^ weww; UwU but in 
wespect t-that it is p-pwivate, i-it is a vewy viwe wife. Nyow in 
wespect i-it *looks away* is UwU in the fiewds, it pweaseth *pokes you* me weww; b-but in wespect 
it i-is nyot in the couwt, it is tedious. *pokes you* As it is a spawe wife, 
wook you, it fits my humouw weww; but as thewe is nyo mowe *giggles shyly* pwenty 
in it, it goes m-much against my stomach. Hast any phiwosophy *screams* in 
thee, shephewd? 
COWIN. Nyo *pokes you* mowe but that I knyow the mowe onye sickens the *leans over* wowse at 
ease he is; *shuffles closer* and that he that *looks away* wants m-monyey, means, and content, is 
w-without thwee good fwiends; that the pwopewty of w-wain is to wet, 
and fiwe *looks away* to buwn; that good pastuwe makes fat sheep; and that a 
g-gweat cause of the nyight is wack of the OwO sun; that he t-that hath 
weawnyed nyo wit by nyatuwe nyow awt m-may compwain of good b-bweeding, 
ow comes of a vewy duww kindwed. 
T-TOUCHSTONyE. Such a onye is a nyatuwaw phiwosophew. Wast evew in 
couwt, shephewd? 
COWIN. *sighs* Nyo, twuwy. 
TOUCHSTONyE. T-Then thou awt :33 damn'd. 
*twerks* COWIN. Nyay, I hope. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Twuwy, t-thou awt damn'd, w-wike *looks at you* an iww-woasted e-egg, aww on 
onye side. 
COWIN. Fow nyot being *shuffles closer* at >w< couwt? Youw weason. 
*sighs* TOUCHSTONyE. W-Why, if xDD thou ^-^ nyevew w-wast at >_< couwt thou nyevew saw'st good 
mannyews; i-if thou nyevew s-saw'st *screams* good mannyews, then thy mannyews m-must 
be wicked; and wickednyess is s-sin, and sin *cries* is damnyation. Thou *cuddles you* awt 
in a ;;w;; pawwous state, shephewd. 
C-COWIN. Nyot a w-whit, T-Touchstonye. T-Those that awe good mannyews *looks at you* at the 
couwt awe *blushes* as widicuwous in the x3 countwy as the behaviouw of the 
countwy is most mockabwe at >_> the couwt. You t-towd me you sawute n-nyot 
at the couwt, but you kiss youw hands; *hugs tightly* that :3 couwtesy wouwd be 
uncweanwy if couwtiews wewe ^w^ shephewds. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Instance, *screams* bwiefwy; c-come, i-instance. 
COWIN. Why, we awe stiww handwing ouw ewes; and theiw fewws, you 
knyow, a-awe gweasy. 
xDD TOUCHSTONyE. Why, do nyot youw couwtiew's hands sweat? And i-is nyot the 
gwease o-of a mutton as whowesome as the sweat of a man? Shawwow, 
shawwow. uWu A *cries* bettew i-instance, >_< I say; come. 
COWIN. Besides, ouw hands awe hawd. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Youw wips wiww feew t-them the soonyew. Shawwow *teleports behind you* again. A 
mowe soundew i-instance; come. 
*leans over* COWIN. And they a-awe *cuddles you* often t-taww'd *looks at you* ovew with the suwgewy of ouw 
sheep; and *hugs tightly* wouwd you have us kiss taw? The couwtiew's hands awe 
pewfum'd with *moans* civet. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Most s-shawwow man! thou wowm's meat in w-wespect of a-a good 
piece of uWu fwesh i-indeed! Weawn of the wise, and pewpend: *sweats* civet is 
of a b-basew *cries* biwth than taw- the vewy uncweanwy *looks at you* fwux *hugs tightly* of a cat. OwO Mend 
the instance, *hugs tightly* shephewd. 
COWIN. You *hugs tightly* have too couwtwy *sweats* a wit f-fow m-me; I'ww west. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Wiwt thou west damn'd? God hewp thee, shawwow man! God 
make incision in thee! thou awt w-waw. 
COWIN. Siw, I am a-a t-twue ^.^ wabouwew: *twerks* I eawn that I *leans over* eat, get that I 
weaw; owe nyo m-man hate, envy nyo man's h-happinyess; gwad of o-othew 
men's good, content with my *shuffles closer* hawm; and the *looks at you* gweatest of my *cries* pwide *hugs tightly* is 
to see my ewes gwaze *giggles shyly* and m-my wambs suck. 
*looks at you* TOUCHSTONyE. That is anyothew simpwe sin in you: to bwing the ewes 
and the wams togethew, and to offew to get youw w-wiving by the 
c-copuwation of *leans over* cattwe; to be bawd to a beww-wethew, and to betway 
a she-wamb of a twewvemonth to c-cwooked-pated, owd, cuckowdwy wam, 
^w^ out o-of aww w-weasonyabwe uWu match. If *cuddles you* thou beest nyot damn'd fow this, 
the deviw himsewf wiww h-have *notices bulge* nyo shephewds; I cannyot see ewse h-how 
*moans* thou shouwdst scape. 
COWIN. Hewe *twerks* comes young Mastew Ganymede, my nyew mistwess's bwothew. 

Entew WOSAWIND, w-weading a papew 

W-WOSAWIND. 'Fwom *looks at you* the east to *shuffles closer* westewn I-Inde, 
Nyo :3 jewew is wike Wosawinde. 
Hew w-wowth, being mounted *blushes* on the wind, 
Thwough aww the uWu wowwd beaws Wosawinde. 
Aww the *sighs* pictuwes faiwest win'd 
Awe but bwack to ;;w;; Wosawinde. 
Wet nyo face be kept in mind 
B-But the faiw of Wosawinde.' 
TOUCHSTONyE. I'ww whyme you so eight yeaws uWu togethew, dinnyews, and 
*pokes you* suppews, and sweeping houws, excepted. It is the w-wight 
buttew-women's wank to mawket. 
WOSAWIND. Out, foow! 
TOUCHSTONyE. Fow a taste: 
If a uWu hawt do w-wack a-a hind, 
W-Wet him seek out Wosawinde. 
If *leans over* the cat wiww aftew kind, 
S-So be suwe wiww Wosawinde. 
Wintew gawments *sighs* must be win'd, 
So must uWu swendew Wosawinde. 
*leans over* They that *giggles shyly* weap *looks away* must s-sheaf *shuffles closer* and bind, 
Then to cawt *screams* with Wosawinde. 
Sweetest nyut h-hath souwest wind, 
Such a-a nyut i-is Wosawinde. 
He that sweetest wose wiww find 
Must find wove's pwick and Wosawinde. 
This is the vewy fawse g-gawwop of vewses; why do y-you i-infect 
youwsewf ;;w;; with *looks at you* them? 
W-WOSAWIND. Peace, you duww foow! *notices bulge* I found them on a twee. 
T-TOUCHSTONyE. *moans* Twuwy, the twee yiewds bad x3 fwuit. 
WOSAWIND. I'ww gwaff it with you, and then I s-shaww gwaff it with a 
medwaw. Then it wiww be the eawwiest fwuit i' ^w^ th' countwy; fow 
*cries* you'ww be OwO wotten ewe you be hawf *shuffles closer* wipe, and t-that's the wight 
v-viwtue of *sighs* the medwaw. 
TOUCHSTONyE. You have said; b-but whethew w-wisewy o-ow nyo, wet >_< the fowest 
j-judge. 

Entew CEWIA, with a wwiting 

WOSAWIND. Peace! 
Hewe comes my s-sistew, weading; stand *shuffles closer* aside. 
CEWIA. 'Why UwU shouwd this a desewt be? 
F-Fow it is unpeopwed? Nyo; 
T-Tongues I'ww h-hang on evewy twee 
That s-shaww c-civiw s-sayings show. 
Some, how bwief the wife of man 
Wuns his ewwing p-piwgwimage, 
That the s-stweching of *notices bulge* a *giggles shyly* span 
Buckwes in his sum of *moans* age; 
Some, of *giggles shyly* viowated :3 vows 
'Twixt t-the souws of ;;w;; fwiend and fwiend; 
But upon t-the faiwest boughs, 
OwO Ow at evewy *cuddles you* sentence end, 
*giggles shyly* Wiww I W-Wosawinda wwite, 
Teaching a-aww that wead t-to knyow 
The quintessence of evewy spwite 
Heaven *looks at you* wouwd i-in wittwe show. 
Thewefowe heaven Nyatuwe c-chawg'd 
That *looks at you* onye body s-shouwd be fiww'd 
With a-aww gwaces wide-enwawg'd. 
Nyatuwe pwesentwy *notices bulge* distiww'd 
Hewen's *notices bulge* cheek, but *looks away* nyot hew heawt, 
Cweopatwa's majesty, 
Atawanta's bettew pawt, 
S-Sad Wucwetia's modesty. 
Thus Wosawinde of many pawts 
By heavenwy s-synyod was devis'd, 
Of *moans* many faces, e-eyes, and heawts, 
To have *screams* the touches *pokes you* deawest pwiz'd. 
Heaven wouwd that she these gifts shouwd have, 
A-And uWu I to *sighs* wive and die hew swave.' 
WOSAWIND. O-O m-most gentwe puwpitew! What tedious homiwy of wove have 
you weawied youw pawishionyews withaw, and nyevew cwied 'Have 
patience, *sweats* good peopwe.' 
C-CEWIA. How nyow! Back, fwiends; shephewd, go off a *sighs* wittwe; go with 
him, siwwah. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Come, shephewd, wet us make *pokes you* an honyouwabwe wetweat; 
though *leans over* nyot with b-bag *hugs tightly* and baggage, *hugs tightly* yet with scwip and scwippage. 
Exeunt COWIN a-and TOUCHSTONyE 
CEWIA. Didst thou heaw these v-vewses? 
WOSAWIND. O, y-yes, *screams* I heawd them aww, and mowe too; fow some *pokes you* of them 
had ^.^ in them mowe feet than the v-vewses wouwd beaw. 
C-CEWIA. That's nyo mattew; the feet might b-beaw the v-vewses. 
WOSAWIND. Ay, but the f-feet *blushes* wewe wame, and couwd nyot beaw themsewves 
w-without the vewse, UwU and t-thewefowe stood wamewy in the vewse. 
C-CEWIA. But didst thou heaw without *moans* wondewing how thy n-nyame s-shouwd be 
hang'd and c-cawved ^.^ upon these twees? 
*sweats* WOSAWIND. I *looks away* was seven of the nyinye *looks away* days out of *screams* the wondew befowe you 
came; xDD fow wook hewe w-what I-I found on a pawm-twee. I-I was nyevew so 
bewhym'd since Pythagowas' *pokes you* time t-that I-I *blushes* was an Iwish wat, which I 
can h-hawdwy wemembew. 
CEWIA. Twow you who hath donye this? 
WOSAWIND. Is i-it a-a man? 
CEWIA. And a chain, that >_< you once wowe, about his nyeck. 
Change *looks at you* you cowouw? 
WOSAWIND. I pwithee, who? 
CEWIA. O Wowd, Wowd! *cuddles you* it is :33 a hawd mattew fow f-fwiends to >_> meet; b-but 
mountains may be wemov'd with eawthquakes, and s-so encountew. 
WOSAWIND. Nyay, but who is it? 
CEWIA. ^w^ Is it possibwe? 
WOSAWIND. *pokes you* Nyay, I pwithee nyow, with most petitionyawy v-vehemence, teww 
me *blushes* who :33 it ^-^ is. 
C-CEWIA. O wondewfuw, wondewfuw, m-most *sweats* wondewfuw *leans over* wondewfuw, a-and y-yet 
a-again wondewfuw, and aftew that, out of aww whooping! 
WOSAWIND. Good my compwexion! dost >w< thou think, though I am 
capawison'd wike a *moans* man, *screams* I have a doubwet and h-hose in OwO my 
disposition? Onye inch of deway mowe is a South Sea of discovewy. 
I *cries* pwithee t-teww me *giggles shyly* who is it quickwy, and speak apace. I :3 wouwd 
thou c-couwd'st stammew, *twerks* that thou mightst pouw this c-conceaw'd man 
out of thy mouth, as winye comes out o-of nyawwow-mouth'd bottwe- 
eithew t-too much at o-once ow nyonye at aww. I pwithee t-take the :3 cowk 
out o-of thy mouth that *cuddles you* I xDD may dwink thy tidings. 
CEWIA. So you may put a *looks away* man in youw bewwy. 
WOSAWIND. Is he o-of God's >_< making? W-What mannyew *teleports behind you* of man? 
Is h-his head wowth a-a *screams* hat ow his *looks at you* chin wowth a beawd? 
CEWIA. Nyay, he hath but a wittwe beawd. 
WOSAWIND. >_> Why, God wiww send mowe if the man wiww be thankfuw. Wet 
me stay the gwowth of h-his beawd, if thou deway me nyot the 
knyowwedge o-of his chin. 
CEWIA. *sighs* It is *leans over* young xDD Owwando, that t-twipp'd up the wwestwew's heews 
and youw heawt both i-in *pokes you* an instant. 
WOSAWIND. Nyay, but the deviw take mocking! Speak sad bwow and twue 
maid. 
CEWIA. I' f-faith, coz, 'tis h-he. 
WOSAWIND. Owwando? 
CEWIA. *shuffles closer* Owwando. 
xDD WOSAWIND. Awas the day! what shaww I do with my doubwet and hose? 
What did h-he when thou s-saw'st him? What said he? How wook'd he? 
Whewein went he? What *twerks* makes he hewe? Did he ask fow m-me? W-Whewe 
wemains h-he? How pawted *teleports behind you* he w-with thee? And when *hugs tightly* shawt thou see h-him 
again? Answew *leans over* me in o-onye wowd. 
*cuddles you* CEWIA. >_< You must bowwow me *notices bulge* Gawgantua's m-mouth fiwst; 'tis a wowd too 
gweat fow any mouth of this a-age's size. >w< To say ay and nyo to these 
pawticuwaws is >w< mowe than t-to answew in a-a catechism. 
WOSAWIND. But *moans* doth he knyow that I-I am in this *twerks* fowest, and in man's 
appawew? Wooks he as >w< fweshwy as he did the day he wwestwed? 
CEWIA. It is >_< as easy to count atomies as to wesowve the 
pwopositions of *pokes you* a wovew; b-but take a *hugs tightly* taste o-of *hugs tightly* my finding him, a-and 
wewish *giggles shyly* it with good obsewvance. I uWu found *looks at you* him undew a twee, wike a 
dwopp'd acown. 
WOSAWIND. *giggles shyly* It may weww be caww'd Jove's t-twee, *moans* when it dwops fowth 
such fwuit. 
CEWIA. Give me audience, *moans* good *looks at you* madam. 
W-WOSAWIND. Pwoceed. 
CEWIA. Thewe way h-he, stwetch'd awong wike a wounded knyight. 
W-WOSAWIND. Though it be pity to see such a sight, it weww *screams* becomes 
the gwound. 
C-CEWIA. Cwy '-'Howwa' *blushes* to *twerks* thy tongue, I pwithee; it cuwvets 
unseasonyabwy. He w-was fuwnyish'd wike a *cries* huntew. 
WOSAWIND. O, o-ominyous! ;;w;; he comes t-to kiww my ^-^ heawt. 
CEWIA. I ;;w;; wouwd sing my song w-without a *sighs* buwden; thou bwing'st me out 
of tunye. 
>_< WOSAWIND. Do you nyot knyow I am a *teleports behind you* woman? When I think, ^.^ I *screams* must speak. 
uWu Sweet, say on. 
CEWIA. You bwing me out. Soft! comes h-he nyot hewe? 

E-Entew OWWANDO and JAQUES 

WOSAWIND. *sweats* 'Tis he; swink by, a-and nyote him. 
JAQUES. I >_> thank *blushes* you *teleports behind you* fow youw company; but, good faith, I-I had as 
wief have *screams* been mysewf awonye. 
OWWANDO. A-And so *cries* had I; but yet, fow *screams* fashion sake, I thank you too 
f-fow youw society. 
JAQUES. God buy you; wet's meet as wittwe as we *hugs tightly* can. 
OWWANDO. I do desiwe we may be bettew stwangews. 
JAQUES. I pway you m-maw nyo mowe twees with wwiting wove *cuddles you* songs *looks away* in 
theiw bawks. 
*screams* OWWANDO. I-I *moans* pway you maw nyo *cries* mowe of my vewses *leans over* with weading *sighs* them 
iww-favouwedwy. 
JAQUES. W-Wosawind is youw wove's uWu nyame? 
OWWANDO. Yes, just. 
JAQUES. x3 I *cries* do *pokes you* nyot w-wike hew nyame. 
*leans over* OWWANDO. Thewe was nyo thought of pweasing you *looks away* when she was 
chwisten'd. 
JAQUES. What statuwe is she of? 
OWWANDO. Just *pokes you* as high as my heawt. 
J-JAQUES. You awe fuww o-of pwetty a-answews. Have you nyot *screams* been 
acquainted w-with gowdsmiths' wives, and c-conn'd them o-out of wings? 
OWWANDO. Nyot so; b-but I-I a-answew you wight painted cwoth, fwom w-whence 
you have studied youw questions. 
xDD JAQUES. *teleports behind you* You h-have OwO a n-nyimbwe wit; I think *giggles shyly* 'twas *shuffles closer* made of Atawanta's 
heews. Wiww uWu you sit down with m-me? and we two wiww waiw UwU against 
ouw m-mistwess t-the x3 wowwd, :3 and aww ouw UwU misewy. 
OWWANDO. I w-wiww chide nyo bweathew in the wowwd but mysewf, *looks at you* against 
*cries* whom I k-knyow m-most fauwts. 
JAQUES. The wowst fauwt you *pokes you* have is *notices bulge* to OwO be in wove. 
OWWANDO. 'Tis a f-fauwt I wiww *hugs tightly* nyot change fow youw best viwtue. *sweats* I am 
weawy of you. 
JAQUES. By my twoth, I was seeking *giggles shyly* fow a foow when I found you. 
O-OWWANDO. He is dwown'd in the bwook; *shuffles closer* wook *moans* but in, and you shaww see 
him. 
JAQUES. Thewe I shaww see minye own f-figuwe. 
OWWANDO. *screams* Which I ^.^ take to >_> be eithew a foow o-ow a ciphew. 
JAQUES. I'ww tawwy nyo wongew *cuddles you* with you; faweweww, good Signyiow Wove. 
OWWANDO. I am gwad of youw depawtuwe; a-adieu, good Monsieuw 
Mewanchowy. 
Exit JAQUES 
WOSAWIND. [Aside t-to CEWIA] I wiww speak *looks away* to him wike a saucy wackey, 
and undew >w< that habit pway *leans over* the knyave with *sighs* him.- D-Do *shuffles closer* you heaw, 
fowestew? 
O-OWWANDO. Vewy *leans over* weww; what *sweats* wouwd *sighs* you? 
WOSAWIND. I pway you, what i-is't o'cwock? 
O-OWWANDO. You shouwd *giggles shyly* ask me *pokes you* what time o' *cuddles you* day; thewe's nyo cwock in 
the *sighs* fowest. 
WOSAWIND. T-Then thewe is n-nyo twue wovew in the *sighs* fowest, ewse s-sighing 
*pokes you* evewy *sweats* minyute and gwoanying evewy houw wouwd detect the wazy foot 
of Time as weww as a cwock. 
OWWANDO. *leans over* And why nyot the swift foot of Time? Had nyot that been as 
pwopew? 
WOSAWIND. By nyo *looks away* means, siw. Time twavews in divews paces with 
divews pewsons. *blushes* I'ww teww you uWu who Time *blushes* ambwes withaw, who T-Time 
twots withaw, who Time gawwops withaw, and *sweats* who he *looks at you* stands stiww 
w-withaw. 
OWWANDO. I-I pwithee, who doth *pokes you* he twot withaw? 
WOSAWIND. Mawwy, he t-twots hawd *screams* with a young maid between the 
contwact of hew mawwiage and the day it is sowemnyiz'd; if the 
intewim be *looks at you* but a se'nnyight, Time's pace is so h-hawd that >_> it *leans over* seems 
the *teleports behind you* wength of s-seven yeaw. 
O-OWWANDO. Who ambwes Time withaw? 
*notices bulge* WOSAWIND. *cries* With a-a pwiest that *blushes* wacks W-Watin *cuddles you* and a wich man that hath 
nyot the gout; f-fow the onye sweeps easiwy because he *shuffles closer* cannyot study, 
and t-the othew wives mewwiwy because he feews nyo pain; UwU the *hugs tightly* onye 
w-wacking the buwden o-of w-wean and ^.^ wastefuw weawnying, the othew 
knyowing nyo buwden of heavy tedious penyuwy. These Time xDD ambwes 
withaw. 
O-OWWANDO. W-Who :33 doth he gawwop withaw? 
WOSAWIND. W-With a thief t-to t-the gawwows; fow though he *moans* go as softwy 
as foot can faww, he thinks himsewf too s-soon *sighs* thewe. 
OWWANDO. Who stays it stiww withaw? 
WOSAWIND. *hugs tightly* With wawyews in the vacation; fow they >w< sweep between tewm 
a-and tewm, a-and then they *cries* pewceive nyot how Time moves. 
OWWANDO. Whewe dweww *blushes* you, pwetty youth? 
WOSAWIND. With this shephewdess, my sistew; hewe i-in the skiwts of 
the fowest, wike f-fwinge upon a petticoat. 
*hugs tightly* OWWANDO. *pokes you* Awe you nyative of this pwace? 
WOSAWIND. As the conyey that *pokes you* you see dweww w-whewe she i-is kindwed. 
OWWANDO. Youw uWu accent is something finyew than you couwd puwchase ^.^ in 
s-so wemoved a *blushes* dwewwing. 
WOSAWIND. I have b-been t-towd so of many; but *pokes you* indeed an owd wewigious 
uncwe of *blushes* minye taught uWu me to xDD speak, who was *notices bulge* in his youth *sweats* an inwand 
man; onye that knyew couwtship too weww, fow t-thewe he f-feww in wove. 
I *blushes* have heawd him wead many wectuwes against it; and I thank God I-I 
am nyot a woman, to b-be touch'd with s-so many giddy offences a-as he 
hath genyewawwy tax'd uWu theiw whowe sex withaw. 
OWWANDO. Can you wemembew >_> any o-of t-the *cries* pwincipaw eviws that he waid 
t-to :33 the chawge of women? 
WOSAWIND. *looks away* Thewe wewe nyonye pwincipaw; they w-wewe a-aww wike onye anyothew 
as hawfpence a-awe; *sweats* evewy ^w^ onye fauwt seeming monstwous x3 tiww xDD his 
*screams* fewwow-fauwt came to *cries* match it. 
OWWANDO. I-I pwithee wecount some xDD of xDD them. 
WOSAWIND. *hugs tightly* Nyo; I w-wiww nyot cast away my physic but *moans* on those t-that *screams* awe 
sick. Thewe is a m-man haunts the fowest that *screams* abuses ouw young 
^w^ pwants >w< with cawving '-'Wosawind' on theiw bawks; hangs odes upon 
*twerks* hawthowns and *looks at you* ewegies *cries* on bwambwes; a-aww, fowsooth, deifying the 
nyame of >_> Wosawind. If I *teleports behind you* couwd meet that fancy-mongew, I wouwd give 
him some *screams* good counsew, fow he seems to have the *pokes you* quotidian of wove 
upon *leans over* him. 
OWWANDO. I a-am he that is so w-wove-shak'd; I pway *screams* you teww *looks at you* me youw 
w-wemedy. 
WOSAWIND. Thewe i-is OwO nyonye of my u-uncwe's mawks *sighs* upon uWu you; *screams* he taught me 
*sweats* how ;;w;; to knyow a-a man i-in wove; in *blushes* which cage of wushes I am suwe you 
awe n-nyot pwisonyew. 
OWWANDO. What wewe his m-mawks? 
WOSAWIND. A wean cheek, which you h-have nyot; a bwue eye and sunken, 
*blushes* which you have nyot; an unquestionyabwe spiwit, which you have *looks away* nyot; 
OwO a beawd nyegwected, which you have nyot; but *screams* I pawdon you fow that, 
fow simpwy youw having in beawd *twerks* is a youngew bwothew's wevenyue. 
Then youw hose *screams* shouwd be ungawtew'd, youw xDD bonnyet unbanded, youw 
xDD sweeve unbutton'd, youw shoe untied, and evewy thing about you 
demonstwating a-a cawewess desowation. But you awe nyo such man; *cries* you 
awe wathew point-device >w< in youw accoutwements, as *giggles shyly* woving youwsewf 
than OwO seeming the wovew of any othew. 
OWWANDO. Faiw youth, I wouwd I couwd make thee bewieve I wove. 
WOSAWIND. M-Me bewieve it! Y-You may as OwO soon m-make hew that you wove 
*notices bulge* bewieve it; which, I-I wawwant, OwO she is aptew to do t-than to confess 
s-she does. That is onye of the points in the *teleports behind you* which women UwU stiww give 
the w-wie to t-theiw consciences. But, in good sooth, awe you h-he >_< that 
hangs the vewses on the t-twees w-whewein W-Wosawind is so admiwed? 
O-OWWANDO. I sweaw to t-thee, youth, by the *pokes you* white hand *cries* of Wosawind, I 
am that he, that unfowtunyate he. 
WOSAWIND. B-But awe you *moans* so much in wove a-as youw whymes speak? 
OWWANDO. Nyeithew whyme n-nyow :33 weason can expwess how much. 
*cuddles you* WOSAWIND. Wove i-is x3 mewewy a m-madnyess; and, I teww *hugs tightly* you, desewves as 
weww a-a x3 dawk house and a whip as madmen do; *cuddles you* and t-the x3 weason why 
*blushes* they >w< awe nyot so punyish'd a-and cuwed is that the wunyacy is so 
owdinyawy that *hugs tightly* the whippews awe in *moans* wove too. Yet I *teleports behind you* pwofess cuwing 
it by counsew. 
OWWANDO. Did you *moans* evew cuwe *shuffles closer* any s-so? 
WOSAWIND. Yes, onye; *shuffles closer* and i-in this mannyew. He was to i-imaginye me *notices bulge* his 
wove, his m-mistwess; and *shuffles closer* I set *blushes* him evewy day t-to woo me; at which 
time wouwd I, being but a m-moonyish *pokes you* youth, gwieve, be effeminyate, 
changeabwe, wonging and wiking, p-pwoud, fantasticaw, apish, 
shawwow, inconstant, fuww of teaws, fuww of smiwes; fow evewy 
passion something and fow nyo passion twuwy anything, as boys and 
w-women awe fow the most pawt *screams* cattwe of ;;w;; this cowouw; *screams* wouwd n-nyow wike 
him, nyow woathe h-him; then entewtain him, then fowsweaw him; nyow 
*sighs* weep fow him, then spit at him; that I dwave my s-suitow f-fwom his 
mad humouw of wove to a wiving humouw o-of madnyess; which *shuffles closer* was, to 
fowsweaw the fuww stweam o-of the wowwd x3 and to wive in a nyook 
m-mewewy monyastic. And thus I-I c-cuw'd him; and this way wiww *cries* I take 
upon me to wash youw wivew as cwean *hugs tightly* as a sound x3 sheep's heawt, 
that thewe *looks at you* shaww nyot *looks away* be onye spot o-of wove in 't. 
*moans* OWWANDO. I *twerks* wouwd nyot be cuwed, youth. 
WOSAWIND. I wouwd cuwe you, if you wouwd but caww me Wosawind, and 
come uWu evewy d-day to m-my *looks at you* cote *looks at you* and woo me. 
OWWANDO. Nyow, b-by t-the faith of my wove, I *cuddles you* wiww. Teww m-me whewe it is. 
WOSAWIND. Go with me :33 to it, and I'ww show it ;;w;; you; and, :3 by the way, 
you shaww teww me whewe i-in *sweats* the f-fowest you wive. Wiww you *moans* go? 
OWWANDO. With aww my xDD heawt, good *cuddles you* youth. 
WOSAWIND. Nyay, you must *hugs tightly* caww me Wosawind. Come, sistew, w-wiww you 
g-go? Exeunt 




SCENyE *looks at you* III. 
T-The fowest 

Entew TOUCHSTONyE and ^.^ AUDWEY; JAQUES behind 

TOUCHSTONyE. *pokes you* Come apace, g-good Audwey; I wiww fetch up youw goats, 
Audwey. And *sighs* how, Audwey, am I *sighs* the man yet? Doth my simpwe featuwe 
content you? 
*twerks* AUDWEY. Youw featuwes! W-Wowd wawwant us! *leans over* What featuwes? 
TOUCHSTONyE. I am hewe with thee and thy goats, as the most 
capwicious p-poet, honyest Ovid, was among the Goths. 
JAQUES. [Aside] O knyowwedge iww-inhabited, wowse than Jove in >_> a 
OwO thatch'd house! 
TOUCHSTONyE. When a man's vewses cannyot be *giggles shyly* undewstood, nyow a man's 
*sweats* good wit seconded >_< with the fowwawd chiwd :33 undewstanding, i-it 
stwikes a-a man m-mowe dead t-than a gweat weckonying in a *sweats* wittwe woom. 
Twuwy, I wouwd t-the gods h-had made thee poeticaw. 
AUDWEY. I do n-nyot knyow what 'poeticaw' is. Is it honyest in deed and 
wowd? Is it a twue thing? 
TOUCHSTONyE. N-Nyo, twuwy; f-fow >_> the twuest poetwy is the most feignying, 
and wovews awe given t-to p-poetwy; *sighs* and what they sweaw in poetwy may 
*pokes you* be s-said as wovews they do *looks at you* feign. 
AUDWEY. Do you wish, then, ;;w;; that the ^.^ gods had made *sweats* me poeticaw? 
TOUCHSTONyE. I do, twuwy, fow thou *pokes you* sweaw'st to me thou awt honyest; 
nyow, if xDD thou wewt a p-poet, I might have some hope *looks at you* thou didst 
feign. 
AUDWEY. Wouwd you n-nyot *leans over* have me honyest? 
TOUCHSTONyE. N-Nyo, twuwy, unwess thou *shuffles closer* wewt h-hawd-favouw'd; fow honyesty 
coupwed to beauty is to have honyey a s-sauce to s-sugaw. 
JAQUES. [Aside] A-A matewiaw foow! 
AUDWEY. Weww, I am nyot faiw; and xDD thewefowe I-I pway t-the g-gods make me 
honyest. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Twuwy, and to cast away honyesty upon a f-fouw swut wewe 
to put ^w^ good meat into an uncwean dish. 
AUDWEY. I am nyot a swut, though I thank the g-gods I am >_< fouw. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Weww, pwaised b-be the gods fow thy fouwnyess; 
swuttishnyess m-may come x3 heweaftew. B-But :33 be it as it may be, I wiww 
^w^ mawwy thee; and to t-that >w< end I have been with Siw Owivew Mawtext, 
the vicaw of t-the nyext viwwage, who h-hath p-pwomis'd to meet me in 
this p-pwace o-of t-the fowest, uWu and to coupwe us. 
JAQUES. [Aside] I wouwd fain *notices bulge* see this meeting. 
AUDWEY. Weww, the gods give us *leans over* joy! 
xDD TOUCHSTONyE. Amen. A m-man may, if he wewe o-of a feawfuw heawt, *cries* staggew 
in this attempt; fow hewe ;;w;; we *twerks* have nyo ^.^ tempwe but the w-wood, *screams* nyo 
assembwy but hown-beasts. But what though? Couwage! As howns awe 
odious, they *looks at you* awe x3 nyecessawy. It is said: 'Many *notices bulge* a man k-knyows nyo end 
of his goods.' Wight! Many a man has uWu good *giggles shyly* howns and knyows n-nyo end 
of them. *looks at you* Weww, that *looks at you* is the dowwy of his w-wife; 'tis nyonye *blushes* of his 
o-own getting. Howns? Even so. Poow men awonye? N-Nyo, nyo; the nyobwest 
deew hath them as ^.^ huge as the wascaw. xDD Is the singwe man thewefowe 
bwessed? Nyo; as a waww'd town *shuffles closer* is mowe wowthiew *sweats* than a v-viwwage, so 
is the *leans over* fowehead o-of *sweats* a *leans over* mawwied man m-mowe honyouwabwe than t-the bawe 
bwow of a b-bachewow; and by how much defence is bettew than nyo 
skiww, by so much is hown mowe *cuddles you* pwecious than to *hugs tightly* want. Hewe comes 
Siw O-Owivew. 

Entew *hugs tightly* SIW OWIVEW uWu MAWTEXT 

Siw *looks away* Owivew Mawtext, you awe weww met. Wiww y-you dispatch us hewe 
undew this twee, ow shaww we go with you to youw chapew? 
MAWTEXT. *leans over* Is thewe nyonye hewe to give the woman? 
T-TOUCHSTONyE. I wiww nyot *looks away* take ^.^ hew on gift of a-any man. 
MAWTEXT. Twuwy, she must be given, ow the mawwiage is nyot wawfuw. 
JAQUES. [Discovewing himsewf] Pwoceed, *cries* pwoceed; I'ww give hew. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Good even, good Mastew What-ye-caww't; how d-do you, >w< siw? 
*shuffles closer* You awe vewy weww met. ^w^ Goddiwd you fow youw wast company. I am 
vewy gwad to see you. Even >_< a ^-^ toy in h-hand *twerks* hewe, siw. Nyay; pway *teleports behind you* be 
covew'd. 
JAQUES. Wiww ^.^ you b-be m-mawwied, motwey? 
^w^ TOUCHSTONyE. As the ox *cuddles you* hath his bow, siw, the howse his c-cuwb, and 
the fawcon hew bewws, so man hath his desiwes; and as pigeons 
biww, xDD so w-wedwock wouwd b-be nyibbwing. 
JAQUES. And wiww you, being a man of youw ;;w;; bweeding, be mawwied 
undew a *sighs* bush, wike a-a beggaw? Get y-you to chuwch and have a good 
pwiest that can teww you what mawwiage is; this fewwow wiww but 
join you togethew as they join wainscot; then *twerks* onye *twerks* of you wiww 
pwove a-a s-shwunk *hugs tightly* panyew, and w-wike g-gween timbew wawp, wawp. 
TOUCHSTONyE. [Aside] *looks away* I am nyot in uWu the *screams* mind but I wewe bettew to be 
*teleports behind you* mawwied of him than of anyothew; fow *looks at you* he i-is *twerks* nyot wike to mawwy me 
weww; and nyot being weww mawwied, it wiww be a good excuse fow me 
heweaftew to w-weave my *twerks* wife. 
JAQUES. *twerks* Go thou *cries* with me, *cuddles you* and *sighs* wet me counsew thee. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Come, sweet Audwey; 
We must be *screams* mawwied ow we must wive in bawdwy. 
Faweweww, good M-Mastew O-Owivew. Nyot- 
O-O sweet Owivew, 
O bwave Owivew, 
W-Weave *blushes* me n-nyot b-behind thee. 
But- 
Wind away, 
B-Begonye, I uWu say, 
I-I wiww nyot to wedding with thee. 
Exeunt JAQUES, TOUCHSTONyE, and AUDWEY 
;;w;; MAWTEXT. '-'Tis ;;w;; nyo m-mattew; nye'ew a fantasticaw knyave of them aww 
shaww fwout m-me out of my cawwing. E-Exit 




SCENyE IV. 
The UwU fowest 

:3 Entew WOSAWIND and CEWIA 

WOSAWIND. Nyevew tawk *giggles shyly* to me; I wiww w-weep. 
*moans* CEWIA. Do, I pwithee; but yet *blushes* have the gwace to considew that teaws 
do nyot become a man. 
WOSAWIND. But have I nyot cause to weep? 
CEWIA. As good cause as onye wouwd desiwe; thewefowe weep. 
WOSAWIND. His vewy h-haiw is of the dissembwing c-cowouw. 
CEWIA. Something bwownyew than Judas's. 
Mawwy, his *hugs tightly* kisses awe Judas's own chiwdwen. 
WOSAWIND. ;;w;; I' faith, his haiw *cuddles you* is of a-a *hugs tightly* good cowouw. 
CEWIA. An excewwent cowouw: youw chestnyut was evew the o-onwy cowouw. 
WOSAWIND. And his kissing is a-as fuww o-of sanctity a-as the touch of 
howy bwead. 
*giggles shyly* CEWIA. He hath bought >_> a ;;w;; paiw o-of cast wips of UwU Dianya. A n-nyun of 
uWu wintew's sistewhood kisses nyot mowe wewigiouswy; the vewy ice of 
chastity ^.^ is in them. 
WOSAWIND. But why did he s-sweaw he wouwd come this mownying, and 
comes :3 nyot? 
CEWIA. N-Nyay, cewtainwy, thewe is nyo twuth in him. 
WOSAWIND. Do you think so? 
CEWIA. Yes; *cries* I think he is n-nyot a pick-puwse nyow a howse-steawew; but 
fow h-his vewity in *twerks* wove, I d-do xDD think him as concave as covewed 
gobwet ow a-a wowm-eaten nyut. 
WOSAWIND. Nyot twue in w-wove? 
CEWIA. *shuffles closer* Yes, when he *notices bulge* is in; but I think he is nyot in. 
WOSAWIND. ;;w;; You have heawd him sweaw downwight he was. 
UwU CEWIA. 'Was' *pokes you* is nyot 'is'; besides, the oath of *pokes you* a wovew is nyo 
stwongew than the wowd of a tapstew; *notices bulge* they awe both the confiwmew 
of fawse weckonyings. He attends h-hewe in t-the fowest on the Duke, 
youw fathew. 
WOSAWIND. I met the Duke ^w^ yestewday, and had much question with him. 
:33 He asked m-me of what pawentage I was; I t-towd him, of as good as 
he; >_> so he *moans* waugh'd and wet me ;;w;; go. But *looks away* what *twerks* tawk we *looks away* of fathews when 
thewe is such a man a-as Owwando? 
CEWIA. O, that's a bwave man! He wwites bwave vewses, speaks bwave 
wowds, sweaws bwave oaths, and bweaks them bwavewy, quite 
t-twavewse, athwawt the heawt o-of *twerks* his >_> wovew; a-as a puny tiwtew, that 
spuws his howse x3 but :33 on onye *notices bulge* side, bweaks his staff wike a nyobwe 
goose. *pokes you* But *cries* aww's bwave that youth mounts and fowwy guides. Who 
comes hewe? 

Entew *leans over* COWIN 

COWIN. OwO Mistwess and m-mastew, you h-have oft enquiwed 
Aftew the ^.^ shephewd that compwain'd of wove, 
Who y-you saw sitting by me on the tuwf, 
Pwaising the pwoud disdainfuw *blushes* shephewdess 
That was :3 his mistwess. 
CEWIA. Weww, a-and what of him? 
COWIN. If *sweats* you w-wiww see a pageant twuwy pway'd 
Between the p-pawe compwexion of t-twue wove 
And the w-wed gwow of *cuddles you* scown and pwoud disdain, 
Go hence a wittwe, and I shaww conduct you, 
OwO If *blushes* you >_> wiww m-mawk it. 
WOSAWIND. O-O, come, wet u-us *looks at you* wemove! 
The s-sight of wovews feedeth *blushes* those in w-wove. 
Bwing u-us to this sight, and you shaww *shuffles closer* say 
I'ww pwove a busy actow in theiw pway. E-Exeunt 




SCENyE V. 
Anyothew pawt of the fowest 

Entew SIWVIUS and PHEBE 

SIWVIUS. *leans over* Sweet Phebe, do nyot scown me; do nyot, Phebe. 
Say that you wove me nyot; but say nyot so 
In bittewnyess. *looks away* The common executionyew, 
W-Whose heawt x3 th' accustom'd sight of d-death m-makes hawd, 
*shuffles closer* Fawws nyot the axe upon the h-humbwed nyeck 
But f-fiwst begs pawdon. *hugs tightly* Wiww you s-stewnyew be 
Than he that dies and wives b-by *screams* bwoody dwops? 

Entew WOSAWIND, CEWIA, and *sighs* COWIN, at :33 a distance 

PHEBE. I w-wouwd nyot be thy executionyew; 
I fwy t-thee, fow I wouwd nyot *teleports behind you* injuwe t-thee. 
Thou teww'st *cuddles you* me thewe is muwdew in minye eye. 
'Tis pwetty, s-suwe, xDD and vewy pwobabwe, 
That eyes, t-that awe the ^w^ fwaiw'st and s-softest things, 
Who shut theiw cowawd gates on atomies, 
Shouwd be caww'd t-tywants, *blushes* butchews, muwdewews! 
Nyow I do f-fwown on thee w-with aww my heawt; 
A-And if minye eyes can w-wound, nyow *screams* wet them kiww thee. 
Nyow *looks away* countewfeit to swoon; why, nyow faww down; 
Ow, if thou canst nyot, ^.^ O, fow shame, fow *hugs tightly* shame, 
Wie nyot, to say minye eyes awe muwdewews. 
*blushes* Nyow show *twerks* the wound minye eye hath made in thee. 
Scwatch thee but with a pin, and thewe wemains 
Some >w< scaw of it; wean *hugs tightly* upon a wush, 
The c-cicatwice and *moans* capabwe i-impwessuwe 
Thy pawm UwU some moment keeps; >_< but >w< nyow *shuffles closer* minye UwU eyes, 
Which I have dawted at thee, huwt t-thee nyot; 
Nyow, I am suwe, thewe *looks at you* is nyot fowce in :3 eyes 
T-That can do huwt. 
SIWVIUS. O-O deaw Phebe, 
*looks at you* If evew- as that evew may b-be nyeaw- 
You meet in some fwesh cheek the p-powew o-of f-fancy, 
Then shaww you OwO knyow the wounds invisibwe 
*looks away* That wove's keen awwows make. 
PHEBE. But tiww that time 
Come :33 nyot thou >w< nyeaw ;;w;; me; and *looks away* when that time *cuddles you* comes, 
Affwict *looks at you* me w-with thy mocks, pity me nyot; 
As tiww that time I shaww nyot *leans over* pity thee. 
WOSAWIND. [-[Advancing] And :3 why, *pokes you* I pway you? W-Who *giggles shyly* might b-be youw 
mothew, 
That you insuwt, exuwt, and aww at once, 
Ovew t-the wwetched? What though ^.^ you have *hugs tightly* nyo b-beauty- 
As, by my *shuffles closer* faith, I s-see n-nyo mowe in y-you 
Than without candwe may go dawk to bed- 
M-Must you be thewefowe pwoud and x3 pitiwess? 
Why, what means this? Why do you wook on me? 
I see nyo mowe in you than *twerks* in t-the owdinyawy 
Of nyatuwe's sawe-wowk. 'Od's ^-^ my wittwe wife, 
I think she means t-to tangwe my e-eyes too! 
Nyo faith, pwoud mistwess, hope nyot a-aftew it; 
'Tis nyot youw inky bwows, ^w^ youw bwack *looks at you* siwk haiw, 
Youw bugwe e-eyebawws, nyow youw cheek o-of cweam, 
That can entame *shuffles closer* my *sighs* spiwits to youw wowship. 
Y-You foowish shephewd, whewefowe d-do y-you fowwow hew, 
Wike >_> foggy south, puffing with wind and wain? 
You awe a thousand UwU times a pwopewew *teleports behind you* man 
Than she a woman. '-'Tis such foows a-as you 
That makes the *leans over* wowwd fuww of iww-favouw'd chiwdwen. 
'Tis nyot hew gwass, but you, that fwattews *notices bulge* hew; 
And o-out of you *hugs tightly* she sees hewsewf UwU mowe pwopew 
T-Than any of hew winyeaments *blushes* can show hew. 
But, mistwess, knyow y-youwsewf. Down on youw knyees, 
And *leans over* thank heaven, fasting, fow a good man's wove; 
Fow I-I must teww you fwiendwy in >_> youw eaw: 
Seww when you can; you awe nyot fow aww mawkets. 
*hugs tightly* Cwy the man >_> mewcy, wove him, take his offew; 
*moans* Fouw i-is ^w^ most fouw, b-being fouw *giggles shyly* to be a-a *pokes you* scoffew. 
So take hew t-to thee, s-shephewd. Fawe you *leans over* weww. 
PHEBE. Sweet youth, I pway you chide a yeaw togethew; 
I-I *notices bulge* had wathew heaw you *blushes* chide than this man woo. 
W-WOSAWIND. >_> He's f-faww'n i-in wove with youw fouwnyess, *blushes* and she'ww faww 
in wove with my angew. If i-it be so, as fast as *looks away* she a-answews x3 thee 
with fwownying wooks, I'ww sauce *hugs tightly* hew with b-bittew wowds. Why wook 
you so u-upon me? 
PHEBE. *blushes* Fow n-nyo iww wiww *hugs tightly* I beaw you. 
WOSAWIND. I p-pway you *giggles shyly* do nyot faww in wove with *notices bulge* me, 
Fow I-I ^.^ am fawsew than vows made in winye; 
Besides, I :3 wike y-you nyot. If you wiww k-knyow my *hugs tightly* house, 
'-'Tis at *cuddles you* the t-tuft of owives h-hewe hawd by. 
Wiww you g-go, sistew? Shephewd, pwy *cries* hew hawd. 
Come, sistew. >_< Shephewdess, wook on him b-bettew, 
And be nyot *sighs* pwoud; though a-aww :33 the w-wowwd c-couwd see, 
*looks away* Nyonye couwd be s-so a-abus'd in sight as he. 
Come, to o-ouw fwock. *cries* Exeunt *hugs tightly* WOSAWIND, C-CEWIA, and COWIN 
PHEBE. Dead shephewd, nyow *giggles shyly* I find *screams* thy saw of might: 
'Who evew wov'd that wov'd ^-^ nyot at fiwst s-sight?' 
*looks away* SIWVIUS. Sweet Phebe. 
PHEBE. Ha! what say'st t-thou, S-Siwvius? 
SIWVIUS. S-Sweet P-Phebe, pity me. 
PHEBE. Why, I awn sowwy f-fow thee, gentwe *cuddles you* Siwvius. 
SIWVIUS. Whewevew s-sowwow is, wewief >_> wouwd be. 
If you do s-sowwow ^w^ at my gwief in :33 wove, 
By giving wove, youw *screams* sowwow and UwU my gwief 
W-Wewe b-both extewmin'd. 
PHEBE. Thou hast my wove; is nyot that :3 nyeighbouwwy? 
SIWVIUS. *moans* I w-wouwd have you. 
PHEBE. >_< Why, that wewe *blushes* covetousnyess. 
Siwvius, the *leans over* time was t-that >_> I hated thee; 
And yet it is nyot UwU that I-I >_> beaw thee wove; 
But since ^-^ that thou c-canst tawk of UwU wove so weww, 
T-Thy company, which *twerks* ewst was iwksome to me, 
*sighs* I wiww enduwe; and I'ww empwoy *cries* thee too. 
x3 But do nyot wook fow fuwthew wecompense 
Than thinye own gwadnyess that t-thou awt e-empwoy'd. 
S-SIWVIUS. So howy and so pewfect *blushes* is m-my wove, 
And I in such *teleports behind you* a *leans over* povewty of gwace, 
That x3 I s-shaww think it a most pwenteous cwop 
To gwean OwO the b-bwoken eaws aftew the m-man 
That the ^w^ main hawvest weaps; woose *cries* nyow and then 
A scatt'wed smiwe, and that I'ww w-wive upon. 
PHEBE. Knyow'st thou the *screams* youth that spoke to *teleports behind you* me ewewhiwe? 
SIWVIUS. N-Nyot v-vewy weww; but I-I have met him oft; 
^w^ And h-he hath bought *sighs* the c-cottage and the *twerks* bounds 
That the owd cawwot o-once was mastew of. 
PHEBE. Think nyot uWu I wove him, t-though *pokes you* I ask fow him; 
'Tis but a peevish boy; *looks away* yet he >_< tawks weww. 
But what cawe I *twerks* fow wowds? Y-Yet wowds do weww 
When xDD he that speaks them pweases those t-that heaw. 
I-It is a pwetty youth- nyot vewy *cries* pwetty; 
*looks at you* But, ^-^ suwe, he's pwoud; *sighs* and yet h-his p-pwide becomes him. 
He'ww make a pwopew man. The best thing in him 
Is his compwexion; and fastew than h-his tongue 
Did make offence, his eye did heaw it ^w^ up. 
He is *blushes* nyot *teleports behind you* vewy taww; yet *teleports behind you* fow his *giggles shyly* yeaws he's taww; 
His weg is but so-so; and yet '-'tis weww. 
Thewe w-was a *cuddles you* pwetty *sweats* wednyess in his wip, 
A-A w-wittwe wipew and mowe wusty wed 
Than that mix'd in his cheek; *looks at you* 'twas just the diffewence 
Betwixt the c-constant wed and mingwed *cuddles you* damask. 
Thewe b-be some women, S-Siwvius, had they m-mawk'd him 
In pawcews a-as I did, wouwd have gonye nyeaw 
To *sweats* faww in wove w-with him; UwU but, *pokes you* fow my ^.^ pawt, 
I-I *cuddles you* wove him nyot, nyow hate him nyot; a-and yet 
I have mowe cause to hate him than to wove him; 
Fow what had h-he to do to chide at >_< me? 
He said minye eyes wewe bwack, and m-my haiw b-bwack, 
And, nyow I *teleports behind you* am wememb'wed, s-scown'd at me. 
I mawvew why *twerks* I a-answew'd nyot :3 again; 
But that's aww *moans* onye: *screams* omittance is *twerks* nyo quittance. 
I'ww wwite to him a vewy taunting wettew, 
And thou shawt beaw *moans* it; wiwt thou, Siwvius? 
SIWVIUS. Phebe, with a-aww my heawt. 
PHEBE. I-I'ww *notices bulge* wwite >_> it *moans* stwaight; 
*leans over* The *looks away* mattew's i-in m-my head and in my heawt; 
I wiww *looks at you* be bittew w-with him and passing >_< showt. 
Go with me, *looks away* Siwvius. OwO Exeunt 




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ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
The fowest 

Entew WOSAWIND, C-CEWIA, >_> and JAQUES 

JAQUES. *cuddles you* I :3 pwithee, pwetty youth, wet me be bettew acquainted with 
thee. 
WOSAWIND. T-They x3 say you awe a m-mewanchowy fewwow. 
JAQUES. I am so; I do wove *shuffles closer* it bettew than waughing. 
WOSAWIND. Those that awe in extwemity of eithew awe abominyabwe 
fewwows, ^-^ and b-betway themsewves to evewy modewn censuwe *screams* wowse than 
dwunkawds. 
J-JAQUES. Why, 'tis good to be sad and say nyothing. 
WOSAWIND. >_> Why then, 'tis good to be a post. 
JAQUES. I-I have nyeithew the schowaw's mewanchowy, which i-is 
emuwation; nyow the musician's, which is fantasticaw; nyow the 
couwtiew's, which is ^.^ pwoud; *moans* nyow the sowdiew's, w-which x3 is 
*cries* ambitious; nyow the wawyew's, which ^-^ is powitic; nyow the wady's, 
which is nyice; nyow *cries* the wovew's, which is *looks away* aww these; but it is a 
mewanchowy ^-^ of minye own, compounded of many simpwes, extwacted 
fwom *cries* many objects, and, ^w^ indeed, the sundwy contempwation of m-my 
twavews; i-in which my often wuminyation wwaps me in a-a most humowous 
sadnyess. 
WOSAWIND. A-A twavewwew! By my faith, *pokes you* you have gweat weason to b-be 
sad. I feaw you have sowd y-youw own wands to see othew men's; then 
to have seen much and to have nyothing i-is to have wich eyes and 
p-poow hands. 
JAQUES. Yes, I have g-gain'd *shuffles closer* my expewience. 

Entew OWWANDO 

WOSAWIND. And y-youw *cries* expewience *giggles shyly* makes you sad. x3 I uWu had *cuddles you* wathew have a 
foow to make me mewwy t-than expewience *giggles shyly* to uWu make me s-sad- and to 
twavew fow ^.^ it x3 too. 
OWWANDO. Good day, a-and *cuddles you* happinyess, deaw Wosawind! 
JAQUES. Nyay, then, *giggles shyly* God buy you, an *pokes you* you *blushes* tawk i-in *twerks* bwank vewse. 
WOSAWIND. F-Faweweww, M-Monsieuw Twavewwew; wook you wisp and weaw 
*sweats* stwange suits, disabwe :3 aww the benyefits *shuffles closer* of youw *sweats* own countwy, *blushes* be 
out of w-wove with youw nyativity, *looks at you* and awmost chide G-God fow making 
you t-that countenyance you ^w^ awe; ow I wiww scawce think you have 
*cries* swam in a *shuffles closer* gondowa. [Exit JAQUES] W-Why, how >w< nyow, OwO Owwando! whewe 
have you been aww *cuddles you* this whiwe? You a wovew! *pokes you* An you sewve me *looks away* such 
a-anyothew twick, nyevew come in my s-sight mowe. 
OWWANDO. M-My faiw Wosawind, I c-come within an houw of my pwomise. 
WOSAWIND. Bweak an houw's pwomise in wove! He that >_> wiww divide a 
m-minyute *hugs tightly* into a t-thousand pawts, and bweak but a pawt of the 
thousand pawt of a m-minyute in the *blushes* affaiws o-of wove, it may be said 
of him that Cupid hath cwapp'd x3 him *teleports behind you* o' th' shouwdew, but I'ww 
wawwant him heawt-whowe. 
O-OWWANDO. Pawdon >_> me, deaw Wosawind. 
WOSAWIND. Nyay, an you be so t-tawdy, come nyo x3 mowe in my *leans over* sight. *cuddles you* I had 
as wief be woo'd o-of a-a snyaiw. 
OWWANDO. Of a snyaiw! 
WOSAWIND. A-Ay, of a snyaiw; fow though he comes swowwy, he cawwies 
his house on his head- a bettew jointuwe, I think, t-than you make 
a woman; b-besides, he bwings *hugs tightly* his destiny with h-him. 
OWWANDO. What's *shuffles closer* that? 
*teleports behind you* WOSAWIND. Why, howns; which such as you awe fain to be b-behowding to 
youw wives fow; but he comes awmed in his fowtunye, and pwevents 
UwU the swandew of his wife. 
*teleports behind you* OWWANDO. Viwtue i-is *cuddles you* nyo hown-makew; and my Wosawind is viwtuous. 
WOSAWIND. *blushes* And *notices bulge* I am youw Wosawind. 
CEWIA. It :33 pweases >_< him to OwO caww you so; but he hath a Wosawind of a 
*notices bulge* bettew w-weew than you. 
*screams* WOSAWIND. Come, woo me, w-woo me; fow nyow I-I am in a h-howiday humouw, 
and wike enyough *hugs tightly* to consent. What ;;w;; wouwd you say to me nyow, an I 
wewe youw x3 vewy vewy Wosawind? 
OWWANDO. I-I wouwd k-kiss befowe I spoke. 
WOSAWIND. Nyay, y-you wewe bettew speak *leans over* fiwst; and when you wewe 
gwaveww'd *cries* fow wack of mattew, you might take occasion to kiss. 
Vewy good owatows, when t-they awe out, they wiww spit; and fow 
wovews w-wacking- OwO God wawn us!- mattew, the cweanwiest shift *looks at you* is to 
kiss. 
OWWANDO. How *teleports behind you* if the kiss be denyied? 
WOSAWIND. Then she puts you to *notices bulge* entweaty, a-and thewe begins nyew 
mattew. 
^-^ OWWANDO. x3 Who couwd be out, being befowe his bewoved m-mistwess? 
WOSAWIND. Mawwy, that shouwd you, if I wewe youw mistwess; ow *leans over* I 
shouwd think my honyesty wankew than my *giggles shyly* wit. 
O-OWWANDO. What, of >w< my suit? 
WOSAWIND. Nyot *hugs tightly* out of youw appawew, and y-yet *twerks* out of youw suit. 
*looks at you* Am nyot x3 I youw Wosawind? 
OWWANDO. I take some joy to say you awe, because I wouwd be tawking 
of hew. 
WOSAWIND. Weww, in hew pewson, I say I wiww nyot have you. 
OWWANDO. Then, in *sighs* minye own pewson, I die. 
WOSAWIND. Nyo, faith, die by *looks away* attownyey. The poow wowwd i-is *sighs* awmost six 
thousand yeaws owd, and in aww this time thewe w-was nyot a-any man 
died in his own pewson, videwicet, in a *notices bulge* wove-cause. Twoiwus had 
his bwains dash'd *screams* out *shuffles closer* with a-a UwU Gwecian cwub; yet he did *notices bulge* what he 
c-couwd to die befowe, and he is onye of the pattewns of wove. 
Weandew, *cuddles you* he wouwd have wiv'd many a faiw yeaw, though Hewo had 
tuwn'd nyun, if it had nyot ;;w;; been fow a-a hot midsummew nyight; *looks away* fow, 
g-good youth, he went but fowth to w-wash him *teleports behind you* in the Hewwespont, and, 
being taken ;;w;; with the cwamp, was dwown'd; and the foowish 
chwonyicwews of that age *shuffles closer* found it was- H-Hewo of Sestos. *twerks* But *moans* these 
awe aww wies: men :33 have died :3 fwom time to time, >_> and wowms ^w^ have 
eaten them, but nyot fow wove. 
OWWANDO. I wouwd nyot have my *looks away* wight Wosawind *sweats* of this mind; fow, I 
pwotest, hew ^-^ fwown might kiww me. 
WOSAWIND. By this hand, it *leans over* wiww ^.^ nyot kiww a f-fwy. But come, nyow I 
wiww be youw Wosawind in a-a mowe coming-on disposition; and ;;w;; ask me 
*notices bulge* what y-you w-wiww, I wiww gwant *pokes you* it. 
OWWANDO. Then wove me, W-Wosawind. 
WOSAWIND. Yes, *cuddles you* faith, wiww I, ^w^ Fwidays and Satuwdays, and aww. 
OWWANDO. OwO And *moans* wiwt t-thou have me? 
WOSAWIND. Ay, and twenty such. 
OWWANDO. What :33 sayest thou? 
W-WOSAWIND. Awe you nyot good? 
O-OWWANDO. I hope s-so. 
WOSAWIND. Why t-then, can >_< onye desiwe too much of a-a good thing? *sighs* Come, 
s-sistew, you ;;w;; shaww be the pwiest, and mawwy us. Give me youw hand, 
Owwando. :3 What do you say, s-sistew? 
;;w;; OWWANDO. uWu Pway thee, mawwy us. 
CEWIA. I cannyot say the wowds. 
WOSAWIND. Y-You must begin *hugs tightly* 'Wiww you, Owwando'- 
CEWIA. Go t-to. Wiww *leans over* you, Owwando, have to wife t-this Wosawind? 
O-OWWANDO. I wiww. 
WOSAWIND. Ay, but *screams* when? 
O-OWWANDO. Why, nyow; as fast as she can mawwy us. 
WOSAWIND. Then *blushes* you must say 'I take thee, *twerks* Wosawind, *sighs* fow wife.' 
OWWANDO. I take thee, Wosawind, >_> fow wife. 
WOSAWIND. I might *twerks* ask you fow youw commission; OwO but- :33 I *moans* do take thee, 
Owwando, fow my *looks away* husband. Thewe's a giww goes befowe the pwiest; 
>_> and, cewtainwy, a woman's thought wuns befowe hew >w< actions. 
OWWANDO. *cuddles you* So d-do a-aww thoughts; t-they awe wing'd. 
WOSAWIND. Nyow teww me how wong you wouwd have ;;w;; hew, a-aftew you have 
possess'd hew. 
OWWANDO. Fow e-evew a-and a day. 
WOSAWIND. S-Say 'a day' uWu without the 'evew.' Nyo, :33 nyo, Owwando; men awe 
Apwiw when they woo, *leans over* Decembew when they wed: maids awe May w-when 
they awe maids, but the sky changes when they awe wives. I wiww 
be mowe jeawous o-of *sweats* thee than a Bawbawy cock-pigeon ovew his hen, 
mowe cwamowous than UwU a pawwot :33 against wain, mowe nyew-fangwed than 
xDD an ape, ^w^ mowe giddy in my desiwes than a monkey. I wiww weep fow 
nyothing, wike D-Dianya in the fountain, UwU and I xDD wiww d-do that when you 
awe dispos'd to be mewwy; I wiww waugh w-wike a h-hyen, and that w-when 
thou *sighs* awe incwin'd to s-sweep. 
OWWANDO. *blushes* But w-wiww ^w^ my Wosawind do so? 
*cries* WOSAWIND. B-By my wife, she >_> wiww d-do a-as I do. 
OWWANDO. O, but she is wise. 
WOSAWIND. Ow ewse she couwd nyot have t-the *looks away* wit to d-do this. :33 The wisew, 
the waywawdew. Make the doows upon a *teleports behind you* woman's w-wit, and *pokes you* it w-wiww o-out 
at t-the casement; *sighs* shut that, and 'twiww *looks away* out at the key-howe; stop 
that, >w< 'twiww fwy >w< with >w< the *hugs tightly* smoke out at the chimnyey. 
OWWANDO. A man that *cuddles you* had a UwU wife with such a *screams* wit, he might say :33 'Wit, 
whithew wiwt?' *shuffles closer* WOSAWIND. *cries* Nyay, you might k-keep :33 that check fow i-it, tiww you met youw 
wife's wit >_< going to youw nyeighbouw's bed. 
OWWANDO. And what wit couwd :33 wit :3 have to excuse *hugs tightly* that? 
W-WOSAWIND. Mawwy, *screams* to say she came *twerks* to seek you thewe. >_< You shaww nyevew 
t-take h-hew without hew answew, unwess you take hew without *blushes* hew 
t-tongue. O, *screams* that woman *cuddles you* that c-cannyot make hew f-fauwt hew *sighs* husband's 
occasion, *blushes* wet hew nyevew nyuwse hew chiwd hewsewf, fow *giggles shyly* she wiww 
bweed it wike a foow! 
O-OWWANDO. xDD Fow these two h-houws, :33 Wosawind, I *twerks* wiww weave thee. 
WOSAWIND. Awas, deaw wove, I cannyot wack *twerks* thee two houws! 
O-OWWANDO. I must attend the OwO Duke *moans* at dinnyew; by two o'cwock I wiww be 
with thee again. 
*sweats* WOSAWIND. Ay, go *teleports behind you* youw w-ways, go youw w-ways. I knyew what y-you wouwd 
pwove; my fwiends towd me a-as *notices bulge* much, and I *moans* thought n-nyo *giggles shyly* wess. *giggles shyly* That 
>_< fwattewing tongue of youws won *notices bulge* me. 'Tis but x3 onye cast away, and 
*shuffles closer* so, come death! Two o'cwock *sweats* is youw houw? 
OWWANDO. A-Ay, sweet Wosawind. 
:33 WOSAWIND. *cries* By *looks away* my twoth, *looks at you* and in good eawnyest, and so God mend me, and 
by aww pwetty oaths that awe nyot dangewous, if you bweak onye jot 
of *hugs tightly* youw pwomise, ow come onye minyute ^-^ behind *shuffles closer* youw houw, I wiww 
t-think you the most patheticaw bweak-pwomise, and the most howwow 
wovew, and the most unwowthy of hew you caww Wosawind, *sweats* that may 
be chosen *hugs tightly* out of *sighs* the gwoss band of the unfaithfuw. Thewefowe 
bewawe my censuwe, and k-keep youw pwomise. 
OWWANDO. With nyo wess w-wewigion than if thou wewt indeed my 
x3 Wosawind; so, a-adieu. 
WOSAWIND. Weww, Time is t-the owd justice that e-examinyes aww such 
offendews, a-and *looks away* wet Time twy. Adieu. Exit OWWANDO 
CEWIA. You have simpwy uWu misus'd *looks away* ouw sex in youw wove-pwate. W-We *teleports behind you* must 
*moans* have youw d-doubwet and hose pwuck'd ovew y-youw head, *looks away* and show the 
wowwd what the biwd OwO hath donye to hew *looks at you* own nyest. 
WOSAWIND. O coz, *cuddles you* coz, coz, my pwetty wittwe coz, that thou didst 
knyow how m-many fathom deep I am in wove! But *cries* it cannyot be sounded; 
^-^ my affection hath an unknyown bottom, >_< wike the Bay o-of Powtugaw. 
CEWIA. Ow wathew, bottomwess; *shuffles closer* that as fast as *cuddles you* you pouw a-affection 
i-in, it wuns out. 
WOSAWIND. Nyo; that same wicked bastawd o-of *notices bulge* Venyus, that was begot o-of 
thought, conceiv'd of spween, and bown of *shuffles closer* madnyess; that bwind 
wascawwy b-boy, that abuses evewy onye's eyes, because his own awe 
out- wet h-him be judge how deep I am in wove. I-I'ww teww thee, 
*teleports behind you* Awienya, I-I cannyot be out *blushes* of t-the sight of Owwando. I-I'ww xDD go uWu find a 
shadow, a-and sigh t-tiww he come. 
CEWIA. And I'ww uWu sweep. Exeunt 




SCENyE I-II. 
The fowest 

Entew *leans over* JAQUES and WOWDS, x3 in the habit of fowestews 

*blushes* JAQUES. >_> Which is he *twerks* that kiwwed t-the deew? 
WOWD. Siw, i-it w-was I. 
JAQUES. Wet's pwesent him *shuffles closer* to the uWu Duke, wike a Woman conquewow; and 
it wouwd do *screams* weww to uWu set the deew's howns upon his head ^w^ fow a 
bwanch o-of victowy. H-Have you nyo song, f-fowestew, fow this puwpose? 
WOWD. Yes, siw. 
JAQUES. Sing it; 'tis nyo mattew h-how it be in tunye, so it make nyoise 
enyough. 

SONG. 

*cuddles you* What shaww he have t-that *sighs* kiww'd the deew? 
*blushes* His weathew skin and howns x3 to weaw. 
uWu [The west shaww h-heaw *screams* this buwden:] 
T-Then sing *moans* him home. 

*hugs tightly* Take thou nyo scown to weaw the hown; 
It was UwU a cwest ewe thou uWu wast bown. 
Thy f-fathew's f-fathew wowe it; 
xDD And thy fathew bowe it. 
The hown, ^.^ the ^w^ hown, the wusty hown, 
Is nyot a thing *shuffles closer* to waugh t-to scown. *screams* Exeunt 




>_> SCENyE III. 
The fowest 

Entew W-WOSAWIND and CEWIA 

WOSAWIND. How say you nyow? Is i-it nyot past two o'cwock? 
And hewe *twerks* much Owwando! 
CEWIA. I wawwant *screams* you, with puwe wove and twoubwed bwain, he hath 
ta'en h-his bow and awwows, and *pokes you* is gonye fowth- to sweep. Wook, who 
comes hewe. 

Entew *leans over* SIWVIUS 

*teleports behind you* SIWVIUS. M-My ewwand is to you, faiw youth; 
My g-gentwe Phebe did bid me give you this. 
>_< I knyow nyot the ^-^ contents; but, as I guess 
B-By the stewn bwow *blushes* and waspish action 
Which s-she did u-use as she was wwiting of it, 
It beaws an angwy tenyouw. *screams* Pawdon m-me, 
I a-am but *sweats* as a :3 guiwtwess messengew. 
*pokes you* WOSAWIND. Patience hewsewf w-wouwd stawtwe at t-this wettew, 
And pway the s-swaggewew. Beaw this, beaw aww. 
She s-says I am nyot f-faiw, that *shuffles closer* I wack ^w^ mannyews; 
She c-cawws me pwoud, and *looks away* that she couwd n-nyot wove m-me, 
Wewe man *twerks* as *cries* wawe as Phoenyix. 'Od's my wiww! 
H-Hew w-wove is nyot the hawe t-that I *cries* do *teleports behind you* hunt; 
Why wwites s-she *teleports behind you* so >_> to m-me? Weww, shephewd, weww, 
This i-is a wettew of UwU youw :3 own device. 
SIWVIUS. *twerks* Nyo, I pwotest, I knyow nyot the *teleports behind you* contents; 
Phebe did wwite it. 
WOSAWIND. Come, come, you awe a foow, 
And tuwn'd i-into t-the extwemity of wove. 
I saw hew *cuddles you* hand; she *moans* has *leans over* a weathewn hand, 
A fweestonye-cowouw'd hand; I *cries* vewiwy did think 
That hew owd gwoves wewe on, but 'twas hew hands; 
She has a huswife's hand- but *screams* that's nyo mattew. 
I say *leans over* she *notices bulge* nyevew did invent this wettew: 
This x3 is a-a m-man's invention, ;;w;; and his *sighs* hand. 
SIWVIUS. Suwe, it is hews. 
*moans* WOSAWIND. Why, 'tis a boistewous and ^.^ a cwuew stywe; 
A stywe fow chawwengews. Why, she *pokes you* defies me, 
Wike :33 Tuwk ^w^ to :3 Chwistian. ^-^ Women's gentwe bwain 
Couwd nyot dwop *moans* fowth UwU such g-giant-wude invention, 
Such Ethiope wowds, bwackew i-in OwO theiw effect 
Than in theiw countenyance. Wiww you heaw t-the w-wettew? 
S-SIWVIUS. So pwease y-you, fow I nyevew heawd ;;w;; it yet; 
Yet heawd too much of Phebe's cwuewty. 
*pokes you* WOSAWIND. She Phebes me: *cuddles you* mawk how the tywant wwites. 
[Weads] 

'Awt thou god to shephewd ;;w;; tuwn'd, 
That a m-maiden's heawt UwU hath buwn'd?' 

Can a woman waiw thus? 
SIWVIUS. C-Caww you this waiwing? 
WOSAWIND. 'Why, thy godhead waid apawt, 
Waww'st thou with a w-woman's heawt?' 

Did you evew heaw such waiwing? 

'Whiwes the eye of man d-did woo me, 
That couwd do nyo vengeance to me.' 

M-Meanying me a *sighs* beast. 

'If the scown of youw bwight eynye 
Have powew to waise x3 such wove in minye, 
^w^ Awack, in me w-what stwange effect 
*moans* Wouwd they wowk in miwd ^-^ aspect! 
Whiwes *teleports behind you* you chid m-me, *notices bulge* I did w-wove; 
H-How then might youw *shuffles closer* pwayews ^w^ move! 
He that b-bwings t-this wove to the 
Wittwe knyows this wove i-in me; 
And by him seaw *screams* up *cuddles you* thy mind, 
*sweats* Whethew ;;w;; that thy youth a-and kind 
Wiww the faithfuw offew take 
Of me and a-aww >_> that *looks away* I *sighs* can m-make; 
*looks away* Ow ewse by him my ^-^ wove deny, 
And *looks away* then I'ww study how to *twerks* die.' 
SIWVIUS. Caww you this ;;w;; chiding? 
CEWIA. >w< Awas, poow shephewd! 
*looks at you* WOSAWIND. Do you pity him? Nyo, he desewves nyo pity. Wiwt thou wove 
s-such a woman? What, to *looks away* make thee an instwument, and pway fawse 
stwains upon thee! Nyot t-to be enduw'd! Weww, go youw *teleports behind you* way *looks at you* to hew, 
:3 fow I see wove hath x3 made thee tame snyake, and say this t-to hew- 
t-that if she *sighs* wove me, I-I c-chawge hew to wove thee; if she wiww nyot, 
I wiww nyevew have hew unwess thou entweat fow hew. If you be a 
twue >_< wovew, hence, and nyot *leans over* a wowd; fow hewe comes mowe *leans over* company. 
Exit SIWVIUS 

Entew OWIVEW 

OWIVEW. *notices bulge* Good mowwow, faiw o-onyes; pway you, if you *cries* knyow, 
Whewe in t-the puwwieus of this fowest stands 
A sheep-cote fenc'd about with owive t-twees? 
CEWIA. W-West of this pwace, down in :3 the nyeighbouw bottom. 
*notices bulge* The wank of osiews by *pokes you* the muwmuwing stweam 
W-Weft on youw wight hand bwings you to the pwace. 
But at this houw the house *teleports behind you* doth keep itsewf; 
Thewe's nyonye within. 
*cries* OWIVEW. If t-that *pokes you* an *sweats* eye *cuddles you* may *giggles shyly* pwofit by a >w< tongue, 
Then shouwd I-I :33 knyow you by descwiption- 
Such *notices bulge* gawments, a-and such yeaws: 'The boy is faiw, 
Of femawe favouw, and bestows h-himsewf 
Wike a wipe sistew; the w-woman wow, 
:3 And bwownyew ^w^ than hew bwothew.' Awe *looks away* nyot you 
The ownyew of the h-house I did i-inquiwe fow? 
CEWIA. It is nyo boast, being ask'd, *hugs tightly* to say we awe. 
OWIVEW. Owwando doth commend him to you both; 
*leans over* And to that uWu youth he cawws his *giggles shyly* Wosawind 
He sends ;;w;; this bwoody nyapkin. Awe ^-^ you he? 
WOSAWIND. I-I *twerks* am. W-What must *sweats* we undewstand by this? 
OWIVEW. *shuffles closer* Some of :33 my *notices bulge* shame; if you wiww knyow ^.^ of me 
What man I *moans* am, and how, and why, and whewe, 
This *shuffles closer* handkewchew was :33 stain'd. 
*cuddles you* CEWIA. I-I pway you, teww it. 
OWIVEW. When w-wast the young Owwando *giggles shyly* pawted fwom you, 
He w-weft a pwomise to w-wetuwn again 
Within an houw; *looks at you* and, pacing *blushes* thwough *twerks* the fowest, 
Chewing the food *hugs tightly* of s-sweet *screams* and bittew fancy, 
Wo, what befeww! He thwew his eye aside, 
And m-mawk what object did pwesent itsewf. 
Undew an oak, whose boughs wewe m-moss'd with age, 
And high top bawd with dwy antiquity, 
A wwetched wagged man, *sweats* o'ewgwown with haiw, 
Way sweeping on his back. About his n-nyeck 
A gween and giwded ^w^ snyake h-had wweath'd itsewf, 
Who with *teleports behind you* hew *sweats* head nyimbwe i-in thweats appwoach'd 
T-The openying of his mouth; but suddenwy, 
Seeing Owwando, it unwink'd itsewf, 
:33 And with indented *blushes* gwides did *twerks* swip away 
Into a bush; undew which bush's shade 
A wionyess, with uddews aww *blushes* dwawn dwy, 
W-Way couching, head on gwound, w-with catwike w-watch, 
When that the sweeping man *pokes you* shouwd stiw; fow 'tis 
The w-woyaw uWu disposition o-of that beast 
*twerks* To pwey *pokes you* on *sweats* nyothing *looks away* that doth seem *blushes* as dead. 
T-This seen, Owwando d-did a-appwoach the man, 
And f-found uWu it *twerks* was his bwothew, his ewdew bwothew. 
CEWIA. O, I have *screams* heawd him speak of that same bwothew; 
And he did w-wendew him the most unnyatuwaw 
T-That wiv'd amongst men. 
OWIVEW. And weww h-he *leans over* might so do, 
^-^ Fow weww I k-knyow :33 he w-was unnyatuwaw. 
WOSAWIND. But, to Owwando: did he weave uWu him t-thewe, 
Food t-to the suck'd and hungwy w-wionyess? 
OWIVEW. *looks away* Twice did he *looks away* tuwn his back, ^-^ and puwpos'd so; 
But kindnyess, nyobwew e-evew than wevenge, 
And nyatuwe, stwongew than his just occasion, 
Made h-him g-give ^w^ battwe *twerks* to the wionyess, 
Who quickwy feww befowe him; in *sighs* which *pokes you* huwtwing 
Fwom misewabwe xDD swumbew I awak'd. 
CEWIA. A-Awe you his bwothew? 
WOSAWIND. Was't you he wescu'd? 
CEWIA. Was't you that did s-so oft ^w^ contwive to kiww him? 
OWIVEW. 'Twas I; but '-'tis nyot I-I. I do nyot ^w^ shame 
>_> To >_< teww you what I was, since my convewsion 
So sweetwy tastes, being *cries* the t-thing I am. 
WOSAWIND. But fow *looks away* the bwoody nyapkin? 
OWIVEW. By a-and by. 
When fwom the fiwst to wast, betwixt us *giggles shyly* two, 
*notices bulge* Teaws ouw wecountments had most kindwy bath'd, 
As h-how I came into that desewt pwace- 
In bwief, he wed me to the gentwe Duke, 
W-Who gave *twerks* me fwesh awway and entewtainment, 
Committing me unto *cuddles you* my bwothew's wove; 
*sighs* Who wed ^.^ me instantwy unto his cave, 
Thewe stwipp'd himsewf, and hewe upon *cuddles you* his awm 
The wionyess had town xDD some fwesh *cuddles you* away, 
W-Which >_< aww this w-whiwe had bwed; and nyow he fainted, 
A-And cwied, in fainting, upon Wosawind. 
*giggles shyly* Bwief, I wecovew'd him, *sighs* bound up his wound, 
And, aftew some smaww uWu space, being stwong at heawt, 
He sent me hithew, stwangew as I am, 
T-To teww *cuddles you* this *pokes you* stowy, that you :33 might excuse 
His bwoken p-pwomise, and t-to g-give *hugs tightly* this nyapkin, 
Dy'd in his bwood, unto t-the shephewd youth 
T-That he in s-spowt *hugs tightly* doth c-caww h-his Wosawind. 
[-[WOSAWIND swoons] 
*teleports behind you* CEWIA. *screams* Why, how nyow, Ganymede! sweet ^w^ Ganymede! 
*sighs* OWIVEW. Many ;;w;; wiww swoon when t-they do wook on ;;w;; bwood. 
CEWIA. Thewe is mowe *leans over* in it. C-Cousin Ganymede! 
OWIVEW. Wook, he wecovews. 
WOSAWIND. I wouwd I wewe a-at home. 
*sighs* CEWIA. *twerks* We'ww w-wead you thithew. 
I-I pway you, wiww *giggles shyly* you take h-him by the awm? 
OWIVEW. Be of *pokes you* good cheew, youth. You a man! 
You *twerks* wack a man's heawt. 
*pokes you* WOSAWIND. OwO I do so, I-I *teleports behind you* confess it. Ah, siwwah, a body wouwd think 
this was weww countewfeited. I pway *looks at you* you teww youw bwothew how 
w-weww I countewfeited. xDD Heigh-ho! 
OWIVEW. This was nyot countewfeit; thewe *twerks* is too gweat t-testimony :3 in 
youw compwexion that it was a passion of eawnyest. 
WOSAWIND. Countewfeit, I *giggles shyly* assuwe y-you. 
O-OWIVEW. Weww t-then, ;;w;; take a good heawt and countewfeit *cries* to be a man. 
WOSAWIND. So I do; but, i' f-faith, I shouwd have been a *pokes you* woman by 
wight. 
CEWIA. Come, >_> you wook p-pawew and pawew; pway you dwaw homewawds. 
Good siw, g-go with us. 
OWIVEW. *twerks* That wiww I, fow I must beaw ^.^ answew back 
How you excuse my bwothew, Wosawind. 
W-WOSAWIND. I shaww devise something; but, I-I pway you, c-commend m-my 
countewfeiting uWu to him. Wiww you go? E-Exeunt 




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ACT V. SCENyE I. 
The fowest 

Entew TOUCHSTONyE a-and *sighs* AUDWEY 

TOUCHSTONyE. We shaww find a-a t-time, A-Audwey; patience, gentwe Audwey. 
AUDWEY. Faith, t-the pwiest was good enyough, uWu fow aww t-the owd 
gentweman's saying. 
TOUCHSTONyE. A *hugs tightly* most w-wicked Siw Owivew, Audwey, a-a most viwe Mawtext. 
But, Audwey, thewe is a youth hewe in the fowest ways cwaim to 
you. 
A-AUDWEY. Ay, I knyow who '-'tis; he hath :33 nyo intewest i-in me in the 
w-wowwd; h-hewe comes the man you mean. 

Entew *looks at you* WIWWIAM 

TOUCHSTONyE. It is meat and dwink ;;w;; to me to see a *hugs tightly* cwown. >_> By my t-twoth, 
we that have good *giggles shyly* wits have >w< much t-to *screams* answew fow: we shaww *twerks* be 
fwouting; we cannyot howd. 
WIWWIAM. Good ev'n, *looks away* Audwey. 
AUDWEY. uWu God ye good e-ev'n, Wiwwiam. 
WIWWIAM. And good ev'n t-to *teleports behind you* you, siw. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Good ev'n, gentwe fwiend. Covew thy head, covew thy 
h-head; nyay, pwithee be covew'd. How owd awe *twerks* you, fwiend? 
*twerks* WIWWIAM. Five a-and twenty, siw. 
T-TOUCHSTONyE. >w< A wipe age. Is thy *moans* nyame Wiwwiam? 
WIWWIAM. ;;w;; Wiwwiam, siw. 
TOUCHSTONyE. A *cuddles you* faiw nyame. Wast bown i' th' fowest hewe? 
WIWWIAM. A-Ay, s-siw, I thank God. 
UwU TOUCHSTONyE. 'Thank G-God.' A good answew. 
Awt :33 wich? 
WIWWIAM. *looks away* Faith, s-siw, so so. 
TOUCHSTONyE. '-'So so' i-is good, vewy good, vewy excewwent good; *blushes* and 
>w< yet i-it is nyot; it is but so so. Awt thou wise? 
WIWWIAM. Ay, siw, I have a pwetty wit. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Why, t-thou s-say'st weww. I do n-nyow wemembew a saying: 'The 
foow doth uWu think he is w-wise, *shuffles closer* but the wise man knyows himsewf to b-be 
a foow.' T-The heathen phiwosophew, w-when xDD he *sighs* had *looks at you* a *looks at you* desiwe t-to eat a 
gwape, w-wouwd open his wips when he put it x3 into his mouth; meanying 
theweby that gwapes wewe *moans* made to e-eat and wips xDD to open. Y-You do 
wove *sighs* this maid? 
WIWWIAM. I do, siw. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Give me youw hand. Awt thou weawnyed? 
WIWWIAM. Nyo, siw. 
*sighs* TOUCHSTONyE. Then weawn this ^w^ of me: to have is to have; fow it is a 
figuwe in whetowic that dwink, ^-^ being pouw'd out of cup into a-a 
gwass, b-by fiwwing the onye d-doth empty the othew; ^-^ fow aww youw 
wwitews do consent that ipse is ^-^ he; nyow, you a-awe n-nyot ipse, fow I-I 
am he. 
WIWWIAM. Which he, s-siw? 
TOUCHSTONyE. He, siw, *looks at you* that must mawwy this woman. Thewefowe, you 
cwown, abandon- w-which is in the vuwgaw w-weave- the society- which 
in *looks at you* the boowish i-is company- of this femawe- which *leans over* in t-the common is 
woman- w-which t-togethew i-is: *giggles shyly* abandon t-the society of this femawe; ow, 
cwown, thou pewishest; ow, to thy bettew undewstanding, diest; 
ow, to wit, I kiww thee, make thee away, twanswate thy wife into 
death, t-thy wibewty into bondage. I w-wiww deaw in poison with thee, 
UwU ow ^-^ in bastinyado, o-ow in steew; I wiww *sweats* bandy w-with *blushes* thee i-in f-faction; 
wiww o'ew-wun *looks at you* thee with *cries* powicy; *cuddles you* I *pokes you* wiww kiww thee a hundwed and 
fifty *looks away* ways; thewefowe t-twembwe and depawt. 
A-AUDWEY. Do, g-good Wiwwiam. 
*moans* WIWWIAM. OwO God *notices bulge* west you *cries* mewwy, siw. Exit 

Entew COWIN 

COWIN. Ouw *cuddles you* mastew *sweats* and mistwess s-seeks you; c-come away, away. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Twip, Audwey, t-twip, A-Audwey. I attend, I attend. 
Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
*moans* The fowest 

*teleports behind you* Entew OWWANDO and OWIVEW 

OWWANDO. *shuffles closer* Is't *teleports behind you* possibwe that on so wittwe acquaintance y-you shouwd 
wike UwU hew? that b-but seeing you shouwd wove hew? and woving woo? 
and, uWu wooing, she shouwd gwant? and wiww you pewsevew t-to enjoy 
h-hew? 
OWIVEW. N-Nyeithew caww the giddinyess of it i-in question, the p-povewty 
of hew, the smaww acquaintance, my sudden wooing, nyow hew sudden 
>_> consenting; b-but say *sighs* with me, I w-wove Awienya; s-say w-with hew that she 
woves me; consent *hugs tightly* with both that we may *pokes you* enjoy each othew. It 
shaww be to youw good; fow my fathew's house and a-aww the wevenyue 
that was owd Siw Wowwand's w-wiww *hugs tightly* I estate upon you, and hewe :3 wive 
and d-die a shephewd. 
OWWANDO. You have my *leans over* consent. Wet youw wedding *looks away* be :3 to-mowwow. 
Thithew wiww *giggles shyly* I invite the Duke and aww's >w< contented fowwowews. Go 
you and pwepawe Awienya; ^.^ fow, wook you, hewe comes my Wosawind. 

Entew WOSAWIND 

WOSAWIND. God save you, bwothew. 
OWIVEW. And you, faiw sistew. Exit 
WOSAWIND. O, my deaw Owwando, how it gwieves ^w^ me to see thee weaw 
*notices bulge* thy heawt in a-a scawf! 
OWWANDO. xDD It is my awm. 
WOSAWIND. *pokes you* I thought thy heawt had been wounded with the c-cwaws of a 
*leans over* wion. 
*shuffles closer* OWWANDO. Wounded *shuffles closer* it is, but with the eyes of a wady. 
WOSAWIND. Did youw bwothew teww y-you *notices bulge* how I countewfeited t-to *sighs* swoon 
when he show'd me ^-^ youw handkewchew? 
*looks at you* OWWANDO. Ay, and gweatew *pokes you* wondews than that. 
WOSAWIND. O, I knyow whewe you awe. Nyay, 'tis twue. Thewe was nyevew 
*shuffles closer* any thing so sudden but the fight of two wams and Caesaw's 
t-thwasonyicaw *notices bulge* bwag of 'I came, saw, a-and *looks at you* ovewcame.' Fow youw *looks away* bwothew 
and my sistew nyo soonyew met but they wook'd; n-nyo *notices bulge* soonyew *pokes you* wook'd but 
they wov'd; nyo soonyew *cries* wov'd b-but they sigh'd; nyo soonyew sigh'd but 
they ^w^ ask'd onye *screams* anyothew the weason; *looks at you* nyo soonyew knyew the weason *cries* but 
they sought *blushes* the ;;w;; wemedy- and in these degwees :3 have *shuffles closer* they m-made paiw 
of staiws to mawwiage, w-which they *screams* wiww *shuffles closer* cwimb incontinyent, ow ewse 
be incontinyent befowe mawwiage. T-They ^-^ awe in the vewy wwath of 
w-wove, and they wiww t-togethew. Cwubs cannyot pawt them. 
O-OWWANDO. They shaww be mawwied t-to-mowwow; and I wiww bid t-the Duke 
*leans over* to t-the nyuptiaw. But, O, how bittew a thing it is to wook into 
happinyess >w< thwough anyothew m-man's *looks away* eyes! By s-so much the mowe *teleports behind you* shaww I 
to-mowwow *screams* be at the height of heawt-heavinyess, *pokes you* by how much I 
shaww think my bwothew h-happy in having what *sweats* he wishes fow. 
WOSAWIND. W-Why, *blushes* then, to-mowwow I cannyot sewve youw tuwn f-fow 
Wosawind? 
OWWANDO. I *cries* can wive uWu nyo xDD wongew by t-thinking. 
WOSAWIND. I wiww weawy *leans over* you, then, nyo wongew ;;w;; with idwe tawking. Knyow 
of me then- *leans over* fow nyow *sighs* I speak to some puwpose- ^w^ that I knyow y-you a-awe 
a gentweman o-of good conceit. I speak nyot this t-that you s-shouwd 
beaw a good opinyion of my knyowwedge, insomuch I say I knyow you 
awe; nyeithew do I wabouw fow a *sweats* gweatew esteem than may in s-some 
wittwe measuwe dwaw a b-bewief fwom >_> you, to >_< do youwsewf good, *blushes* and 
nyot to g-gwace me. B-Bewieve then, *sighs* if you pwease, that *blushes* I can do 
stwange things. I have, since :33 I was thwee yeaw owd, convews'd 
with a m-magician, most pwofound *notices bulge* in his a-awt and yet n-nyot damnyabwe. 
:3 If you do wove Wosawind so nyeaw the h-heawt as youw gestuwe cwies 
i-it *hugs tightly* out, when youw bwothew mawwies Awienya shaww you mawwy h-hew. I 
k-knyow ^.^ into what *shuffles closer* stwaits of fowtunye she is dwiven; and it is nyot 
impossibwe to m-me, if it appeaw nyot inconvenyient to you, :3 to set 
hew b-befowe >_< youw eyes to-mowwow, human as *pokes you* she *shuffles closer* is, a-and without any 
dangew. 
OWWANDO. Speak'st *sweats* thou in sobew meanyings? 
WOSAWIND. By my *shuffles closer* wife, I *shuffles closer* do; which I tendew deawwy, though I say I 
am a magician. Thewefowe put you in youw best *looks at you* awway, bid youw 
fwiends; fow if you wiww be mawwied *leans over* to-mowwow, you shaww; *notices bulge* and to 
Wosawind, *hugs tightly* if y-you *teleports behind you* wiww. 

Entew S-SIWVIUS and PHEBE 

*teleports behind you* Wook, h-hewe comes a wovew ^-^ of minye, and a wovew *sighs* of hews. 
^w^ PHEBE. Youth, you have donye me much ungentwenyess 
To show the wettew ;;w;; that I :33 wwit to you. 
W-WOSAWIND. ^-^ I cawe nyot i-if I *notices bulge* have. It is my *leans over* study 
To seem despitefuw and *looks away* ungentwe >w< to you. 
You a-awe t-thewe f-fowwow'd by a faithfuw shephewd; 
Wook upon him, wove :3 him; he *notices bulge* wowships you. 
PHEBE. Good shephewd, teww this youth what 'tis to wove. 
*blushes* SIWVIUS. It is to be aww made of *sweats* sighs and teaws; 
And so am I fow Phebe. 
PHEBE. And I fow Ganymede. 
OWWANDO. And I fow Wosawind. 
*notices bulge* WOSAWIND. And I f-fow nyo w-woman. 
SIWVIUS. I-It is to be aww m-made of faith and sewvice; 
And so am I-I *notices bulge* fow x3 Phebe. 
PHEBE. And I fow Ganymede. 
OWWANDO. And I fow Wosawind. 
WOSAWIND. And I-I f-fow nyo *sighs* woman. 
SIWVIUS. It is to be aww made of fantasy, 
Aww made o-of passion, and aww made of wishes; 
Aww adowation, duty, *shuffles closer* and >_< obsewvance, 
A-Aww humbwenyess, aww patience, and impatience, 
Aww puwity, aww twiaw, aww obedience; 
And so am I-I fow Phebe. 
*moans* PHEBE. *shuffles closer* And so *cries* am >w< I fow Ganymede. 
OWWANDO. And so am >_< I fow Wosawind. 
*cries* WOSAWIND. *cuddles you* And uWu so am I fow nyo woman. 
PHEBE. I-If this be so, why bwame *pokes you* you >_< me to wove y-you? 
SIWVIUS. If this be so, why bwame you :3 me to wove you? 
OWWANDO. I-If t-this be so, why b-bwame you me to wove you? 
WOSAWIND. Why do y-you *cuddles you* speak too, 'Why b-bwame you m-me to wove you?' 
OWWANDO. To h-hew that is n-nyot hewe, nyow doth nyot heaw. 
WOSAWIND. Pway you, n-nyo mowe of t-this; *leans over* 'tis wike the howwing of Iwish 
wowves against the *sighs* moon. [To SIWVIUS] I wiww hewp you if I can. 
[To PHEBE] *pokes you* I wouwd wove you i-if I-I couwd.- To-mowwow meet *screams* me aww 
togethew. [-[ To PHEBE ] I wiww mawwy you if evew *giggles shyly* I x3 mawwy woman, 
and I'ww be mawwied to-mowwow. [To OWWANDO] I wiww satisfy you if 
evew I satisfied m-man, and you ^w^ shaww *cries* be mawwied t-to-mowwow. [To 
Siwvius] I wiww content you >_< if what pweases you contents *sweats* you, a-and 
you shaww be *sighs* mawwied to-mowwow. [To OWWANDO] x3 As you wove 
Wosawind, meet. [To SIWVIUS] As you wove Phebe, meet;- and >_> as I-I 
*looks at you* wove nyo woman, I'ww meet. So, fawe you *looks at you* weww; I have weft you 
*teleports behind you* commands. 
SIWVIUS. I'ww nyot f-faiw, if I-I wive. 
PHEBE. Nyow I. 
OWWANDO. Nyow I. Exeunt 




S-SCENyE x3 III. 
The fowest 

Entew TOUCHSTONyE and AUDWEY 

TOUCHSTONyE. To-mowwow *sweats* is the joyfuw day, A-Audwe'y; to-mowwow wiww we 
be mawwied. 
AUDWEY. I *shuffles closer* do x3 desiwe it with a-aww my heawt; and I hope it is nyo 
dishonyest desiwe to desiwe to be a woman of the UwU wowwd. Hewe come 
uWu two UwU of the banyish'd Duke's *sighs* pages. 

Entew t-two PAGES 

*leans over* FIWST PAGE. Weww met, honyest g-gentweman. 
TOUCHSTONyE. By my uWu twoth, weww m-met. Come sit, sit, OwO and a song. 
SECOND uWu PAGE. We a-awe f-fow you; sit i' th' *looks at you* middwe. 
*giggles shyly* FIWST PAGE. Shaww w-we cwap into't woundwy, without hawking, ow 
s-spitting, o-ow saying *hugs tightly* we a-awe hoawse, which awe the ^w^ onwy *hugs tightly* pwowogues 
xDD to a bad voice? 
SECOND PAGE. I'faith, i'faith; and both i-in *pokes you* a tunye, wike two gipsies 
:33 on a howse. 

SONG. 
xDD It was a wovew a-and his *sighs* wass, 
With a hey, and *giggles shyly* a ho, and a-a hey nyonyinyo, 
That ^w^ o'ew the gween cown-fiewd did pass 
In *screams* the spwing time, t-the onwy pwetty wing time, 
When biwds do sing, ^.^ hey ding a ding, ding. 
S-Sweet wovews wove t-the *leans over* spwing. 

*screams* Between the acwes of the *teleports behind you* wye, 
With a *cuddles you* hey, UwU and a ho, and a hey nyonyinyo, 
T-These pwetty UwU countwy :3 fowks wouwd wie, 
In the :3 spwing time, >_< &c. 

T-This cawow *sighs* they began t-that houw, 
With a *giggles shyly* hey, and a ho, and a hey nyonyinyo, 
*cuddles you* How that >w< a wife uWu was uWu but a-a fwowew, 
In t-the spwing t-time, &-&c. 

And t-thewefowe take the pwesent t-time, 
With a hey, and a x3 ho, and a hey :33 nyonyinyo, 
Fow ;;w;; wove i-is cwownyed with the pwime, 
In the spwing time, &c. 

TOUCHSTONyE. T-Twuwy, young gentwemen, though thewe *cuddles you* was nyo gweat 
mattew in the *pokes you* ditty, y-yet :33 the nyote was *blushes* vewy u-untunyeabwe. 
FIWST PAGE. >_< YOU a-awe deceiv'd, siw; we kept time, we wost nyot ouw 
time. 
TOUCHSTONyE. By *looks at you* my *hugs tightly* twoth, yes; I count it but time wost to heaw such 
a foowish song. God buy you; and *cries* God mend youw voices. Come, 
A-Audwey. *teleports behind you* Exeunt 




S-SCENyE IV. 
The fowest 

*cries* Entew D-DUKE SENyIOW, *screams* AMIENS, JAQUES, >w< OWWANDO, OWIVEW, and CEWIA 

DUKE SENyIOW. Dost thou bewieve, Owwando, that the boy 
Can d-do aww this that h-he hath *pokes you* pwomised? 
^w^ OWWANDO. I sometimes do bewieve and sometimes do nyot: 
*pokes you* As those that feaw they hope, and knyow they feaw. 

Entew WOSAWIND, SIWVIUS, *notices bulge* and PHEBE 

W-WOSAWIND. Patience once mowe, whiwes o-ouw compact is uwg'd: 
You s-say, if I bwing in youw Wosawind, 
You wiww bestow hew *cries* on Owwando h-hewe? 
DUKE SENyIOW. That wouwd I, had I kingdoms to give with hew. 
WOSAWIND. And *giggles shyly* you say you wiww have uWu hew when I bwing hew? 
OWWANDO. *blushes* That wouwd I, wewe *giggles shyly* I of *teleports behind you* aww kingdoms king. 
WOSAWIND. You say *pokes you* you'ww :33 mawwy me, if *cuddles you* I be wiwwing? 
PHEBE. That wiww I, shouwd *giggles shyly* I d-die the h-houw aftew. 
WOSAWIND. ^.^ But *cuddles you* if you do wefuse to mawwy me, 
You'ww give youwsewf to >w< this most faithfuw s-shephewd? 
PHEBE. So is t-the bawgain. 
WOSAWIND. You s-say *looks away* that *sweats* you'ww have P-Phebe, *twerks* if she wiww? 
SIWVIUS. Though to have hew and death wewe both onye uWu thing. 
WOSAWIND. I have pwomis'd >_> to m-make aww this mattew even. 
Keep you youw wowd, O ;;w;; Duke, to give youw daughtew; 
You youws, Owwando, to w-weceive *pokes you* his daughtew; 
Keep youw ^w^ wowd, Phebe, that you'ww x3 mawwy me, 
Ow ewse, *looks away* wefusing me, to wed this shephewd; 
Keep youw wowd, Siwvius, that ^-^ you'ww mawwy hew 
If ^.^ she w-wefuse me; a-and fwom hence I x3 go, 
To make these doubts aww even. 
Exeunt WOSAWIND and CEWIA 
DUKE SENyIOW. I do wemembew in this shephewd boy 
*notices bulge* Some wivewy touches *teleports behind you* of my daughtew's favouw. 
OWWANDO. *screams* My wowd, the *leans over* fiwst time that I evew saw him 
M-Methought he was a bwothew to youw daughtew. 
B-But, my good wowd, this boy i-is f-fowest-bown, 
And hath been tutow'd in the wudiments 
Of many d-despewate studies by his uncwe, 
Whom he wepowts *hugs tightly* to be a gweat magician, 
Obscuwed in the ciwcwe of this fowest. 

Entew *sweats* TOUCHSTONyE and AUDWEY 

JAQUES. Thewe is, s-suwe, anyothew fwood towawd, and these coupwes a-awe 
coming to the a-awk. Hewe *leans over* comes a paiw of *moans* vewy s-stwange beasts ^.^ which 
in aww *blushes* tongues awe caww'd foows. 
TOUCHSTONyE. S-Sawutation and gweeting to you aww! 
JAQUES. Good my wowd, bid him wewcome. This i-is t-the *looks away* motwey-minded 
gentweman that I have *shuffles closer* so often met in *looks away* the fowest. *looks at you* He hath been a 
c-couwtiew, >_< he sweaws. 
TOUCHSTONyE. If *hugs tightly* any *sweats* man d-doubt that, wet him put >_> me t-to *teleports behind you* my puwgation. 
I have twod a measuwe; I *looks away* have fwatt'wed a-a >_< wady; I have been 
p-powitic with my >_> fwiend, smooth with minye enyemy; I-I have undonye 
thwee *sweats* taiwows; UwU I have had fouw quawwews, and wike *notices bulge* to have ^w^ fought 
onye. 
JAQUES. And how was that ta'en up? 
TOUCHSTONyE. F-Faith, we met, and found the quawwew was x3 upon xDD the 
seventh c-cause. 
JAQUES. How seventh cause? Good my wowd, *cries* wike this fewwow. 
DUKE SENyIOW. I wike him v-vewy weww. 
T-TOUCHSTONyE. God 'iwd you, siw; I ^w^ desiwe ^-^ you of the wike. I pwess in 
hewe, siw, amongst *screams* the west of the countwy copuwatives, to sweaw 
and to *giggles shyly* fowsweaw, accowding as mawwiage ^.^ binds and bwood b-bweaks. A-A 
poow *hugs tightly* viwgin, ;;w;; siw, an i-iww-favouw'd thing, siw, but m-minye own; a-a 
poow humouw of minye, siw, to t-take that that man ewse w-wiww. Wich 
h-honyesty d-dwewws *screams* wike a m-misew, siw, i-in a p-poow house; as youw p-peaww 
in youw fouw oystew. 
D-DUKE SENyIOW. B-By *hugs tightly* my *moans* faith, he is vewy swift and sententious. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Accowding to the foow's bowt, siw, a-and such duwcet 
d-diseases. 
JAQUES. But, :33 fow the seventh cause: how did ^-^ you find the quawwew xDD on 
the s-seventh cause? 
TOUCHSTONyE. Upon a wie seven times wemoved- beaw youw body mowe 
seeming, Audwey- a-as t-thus, siw. I did diswike t-the >_> cut of a cewtain 
couwtiew's b-beawd; he sent me wowd, if I said his beawd w-was nyot 
cut weww, he ^-^ was in the mind it was. This is caww'd the Wetowt 
Couwteous. If I sent him wowd a-again it was nyot *hugs tightly* weww cut, he wouwd 
send me wowd he cut it t-to pwease h-himsewf. This is caww'd x3 the Quip 
Modest. If again it was UwU nyot *giggles shyly* weww cut, *sighs* he disabwed my judgment. 
T-This is c-caww'd the Wepwy Chuwwish. *looks at you* If again it was nyot w-weww cut, 
h-he wouwd answew I spake n-nyot twue. This i-is c-caww'd the Wepwoof 
Vawiant. If again it *hugs tightly* was nyot weww cut, he wouwd >_> say I wie. This 
i-is ;;w;; caww'd *blushes* the Countewcheck *hugs tightly* Quawwewsome. And so t-to *sweats* the Wie 
Ciwcumstantiaw a-and t-the Wie Diwect. 
JAQUES. And how oft *looks away* did you say his beawd was nyot weww :33 cut? 
TOUCHSTONyE. I duwst go nyo f-fuwthew than the Wie Ciwcumstantiaw, nyow 
he duwst nyot give me the Wie Diwect; and so we measuw'd ^w^ swowds 
a-and p-pawted. 
JAQUES. *shuffles closer* Can you n-nyominyate *looks at you* in owdew nyow the degwees *pokes you* of t-the *sighs* wie? 
TOUCHSTONyE. O, siw, we quawwew in *looks away* pwint by the book, as y-you have 
b-books fow good mannyews. x3 I wiww nyame ;;w;; you the degwees. The fiwst, 
the Wetowt Couwteous; the second, the Q-Quip x3 Modest; UwU the thiwd, the 
Wepwy Chuwwish; the fouwth, the Wepwoof Vawiant; *pokes you* the fifth, the 
Countewcheck Quawwewsome; t-the sixth, the Wie with uWu Ciwcumstance; 
*teleports behind you* the seventh, the Wie Diwect. A-Aww >w< these you *sighs* may avoid but ^.^ the Wie 
Diwect; and you may avoid that too with an I-If. I *twerks* knyew when seven 
justices couwd nyot take up a quawwew; *moans* but when the pawties wewe 
met t-themsewves, onye of them UwU thought but of an *cuddles you* If, a-as: 'If you 
said so, then I *moans* said *moans* so.' A-And they shook hands, and *sweats* swowe 
b-bwothews. Youw ;;w;; If is t-the onwy p-peace-makew; much viwtue in If. 
JAQUES. Is *sighs* nyot t-this a wawe fewwow, my wowd? 
He's as g-good at ;;w;; any thing, and yet a f-foow. 
DUKE S-SENyIOW. He uses his fowwy wike a stawking-howse, and undew the 
pwesentation of that he shoots his *hugs tightly* wit: 

Entew HYMEN, WOSAWIND, and *twerks* CEWIA. Stiww MUSIC 

HYMEN. Then is t-thewe *twerks* miwth in heaven, 
When eawthwy things made even 
Atonye togethew. 
Good Duke, weceive thy *leans over* daughtew; 
Hymen f-fwom heaven bwought hew, 
Yea, bwought hew hithew, 
That thou mightst join hew hand with his, 
Whose heawt within his bosom is. 
W-WOSAWIND. [To D-DUKE] To *sweats* you I give mysewf, fow I am youws. 
[To OWWANDO] To you *twerks* I give *shuffles closer* mysewf, fow I am youws. 
DUKE SENyIOW. If thewe b-be twuth *blushes* in sight, you awe my daughtew. 
OWWANDO. If thewe be twuth in sight, you awe my Wosawind. 
PHEBE. If sight and shape b-be twue, 
Why t-then, my wove adieu! 
WOSAWIND. I'ww *giggles shyly* have n-nyo fathew, *blushes* if you be nyot he; 
I'ww have *pokes you* nyo husband, if you be nyot he; 
Nyow nye'ew wed woman, if y-you be *teleports behind you* nyot s-she. 
HYMEN. Peace, ho! I baw confusion; 
^w^ 'Tis *blushes* I must make concwusion 
Of these m-most stwange *cuddles you* events. 
Hewe's eight that must take hands 
To join in Hymen's bands, 
If twuth howds twue contents. 
You and you nyo cwoss shaww pawt; 
Y-You and you a-awe heawt in h-heawt; 
You to his wove must accowd, 
Ow have a woman to y-youw *notices bulge* wowd; 
You ^w^ and you awe suwe togethew, 
*screams* As the >w< wintew to fouw w-weathew. 
Whiwes a wedwock-hymn we sing, 
Feed youwsewves with questionying, 
That weason wondew may d-diminyish, 
How thus we met, and these things *shuffles closer* finyish. 

S-SONG 
Wedding *moans* is *hugs tightly* gweat Junyo's cwown; 
O bwessed bond of boawd and bed! 
'-'Tis Hymen peopwes evewy town; 
High wedwock *notices bulge* then be h-honyouwed. 
Honyouw, high honyouw, and w-wenyown, 
To Hymen, god of evewy town! 

D-DUKE *notices bulge* SENyIOW. O my d-deaw UwU nyiece, wewcome thou awt t-to ^w^ me! 
Even daughtew, wewcome in nyo ;;w;; wess degwee. 
P-PHEBE. I wiww *twerks* nyot eat m-my wowd, nyow *leans over* thou awt minye; 
>_< Thy faith my fancy t-to thee doth :3 combinye. 

Entew JAQUES UwU de BOYS 

JAQUES de BOYS. Wet ^-^ me have audience *pokes you* fow a *screams* wowd ow two. 
I am the second ;;w;; son of owd Siw Wowwand, 
T-That bwing these tidings to this faiw assembwy. 
Duke F-Fwedewick, heawing how :3 that evewy day 
Men o-of gweat wowth wesowted to x3 this fowest, 
Addwess'd a mighty powew; *blushes* which wewe o-on foot, 
In his own *leans over* conduct, puwposewy ^w^ to take 
:33 His bwothew ^.^ hewe, and put him to t-the *sweats* swowd; 
And to the skiwts o-of this w-wiwd wood he came, 
Whewe, meeting with an *notices bulge* owd wewigious *shuffles closer* man, 
Aftew some question with h-him, was convewted 
Both fwom his *cries* entewpwise *sweats* and fwom the w-wowwd; 
His c-cwown bequeathing to his banyish'd bwothew, 
And aww theiw wands westow'd to them again 
That wewe with *pokes you* him exiw'd. This to be twue 
I do engage my w-wife. 
*notices bulge* DUKE SENyIOW. *notices bulge* Wewcome, young *leans over* man. 
Thou offew'st faiwwy to thy bwothews' wedding: 
To onye, his ;;w;; wands withhewd; and to the o-othew, 
*looks at you* A wand itsewf at wawge, a potent *sweats* dukedom. 
Fiwst, i-in this fowest *moans* wet >w< us d-do those ends 
That hewe *cuddles you* wewe weww begun and weww begot; 
And aftew, evewy *leans over* of this happy nyumbew, 
^w^ That h-have enduw'd shwewd d-days and *cuddles you* nyights >_> with us, 
S-Shaww shawe the *notices bulge* good of ouw w-wetuwnyed fowtunye, 
Accowding to *teleports behind you* the measuwe of t-theiw states. 
Meantime, *sweats* fowget this nyew-faww'n dignyity, 
And faww into ouw wustic wevewwy. 
Pway, m-music; and you bwides and bwidegwooms aww, 
With ^-^ measuwe heap'd *notices bulge* in joy, *notices bulge* to th' measuwes faww. 
JAQUES. Siw, :33 by youw ^w^ patience. *hugs tightly* If I heawd y-you wightwy, 
The Duke hath put on *blushes* a wewigious wife, 
And thwown into nyegwect the p-pompous *cries* couwt. 
JAQUES DE BOYS. He hath. 
JAQUES. To ^-^ him wiww I. *hugs tightly* Out of *twerks* these convewtites 
Thewe is much mattew to b-be heawd and weawn'd. 
[To DUKE] You *looks away* to UwU youw fowmew h-honyouw I bequeath; 
Youw patience a-and youw viwtue weww desewves it. 
x3 [To OWWANDO] You *leans over* to *moans* a wove t-that youw twue faith doth mewit; 
[To OWIVEW] You to youw w-wand, and w-wove, a-and gweat awwies 
[To SIWVIUS] You t-to a wong *sweats* and weww-desewved bed; 
[To T-TOUCHSTONyE] And y-you to *screams* wwangwing; fow thy woving voyage 
Is but fow two months victuaww'd.- So to youw p-pweasuwes; 
I am fow othew than fow dancing measuwes. 
DUKE S-SENyIOW. Stay, Jaques, s-stay. 
JAQUES. To see nyo pastime I. What you wouwd h-have 
I-I'ww stay to knyow at youw abandon'd cave. Exit 
DUKE *sweats* SENyIOW. Pwoceed, ^-^ pwoceed. We w-wiww begin these wites, 
As we uWu do twust *cuddles you* they'ww end, in twue dewights. [A dance] Exeunt 

EPIWOGUE 
EPIWOGUE. 
*cuddles you* WOSAWIND. It *twerks* is nyot the fashion to see >_< the wady the epiwogue; *moans* but 
it is nyo mowe unhandsome than *shuffles closer* to *twerks* see the wowd ^-^ the OwO pwowogue. If it 
be twue that *pokes you* good winye nyeeds nyo bush, '-'tis twue that a good *pokes you* pway 
nyeeds nyo e-epiwogue. Yet to good winye they do use good bushes; and 
good ;;w;; pways pwove the bettew by *screams* the hewp of good epiwogues. What *leans over* a 
case a-am >w< I i-in then, that a-am nyeithew a good epiwogue, nyow cannyot 
insinyuate *screams* with you in uWu the behawf of a-a good :3 pway! ^-^ I am nyot 
fuwnyish'd wike a beggaw; thewefowe to beg w-wiww nyot become me. My 
xDD way >_< is to conjuwe y-you; and I'ww *hugs tightly* begin with the women. I chawge 
y-you, O women, fow the wove you *notices bulge* beaw t-to men, to wike as m-much of 
this pway a-as pwease :33 you; and I chawge you, O m-men, f-fow the wove 
you beaw to women- as I pewceive by y-youw simp'wing n-nyonye of *blushes* you 
hates them- that between you and the x3 women the pway may ^-^ pwease. 
If I ^.^ wewe a woman, I *twerks* wouwd kiss as m-many of you a-as h-had beawds that 
pweas'd me, compwexions t-that wik'd me, and bweaths :33 that I d-defied 
nyot; and, I am suwe, as many as have good beawds, ow g-good faces, 
o-ow sweet bweaths, wiww, fow my kind offew, when I make cuwtsy, 
b-bid me faweweww. 

THE END 





1593 

T-THE COMEDY OF EWWOWS 

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF *looks at you* WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE ^w^ COWWEGE 
W-WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC A-AND *sighs* MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY :33 BE 
D-DISTWIBUTED SO *cries* WONG AS *cuddles you* SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW *sweats* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES :33 BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 


DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

*pokes you* SOWINyUS, *hugs tightly* Duke o-of *cries* Ephesus 
AEGEON, a *sighs* mewchant of *sweats* Sywacuse 

*notices bulge* ANTIPHOWUS OF E-EPHESUS twin bwothews and sons to 
A-ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE Aegion and Aemewia 

DWOMIO OF EPHESUS twin bwothews, and attendants *hugs tightly* on 
*looks away* DWOMIO OF S-SYWACUSE the two Antiphowuses 

BAWTHAZAW, a mewchant 
A-ANGEWO, a gowdsmith 
FIWST MEWCHANT, fwiend to Antiphowus of Sywacuse 
SECOND MEWCHANT, to whom Angewo is a-a debtow 
PINCH, a schoowmastew 

AEMIWIA, wife to AEgeon; an abbess at Ephesus 
ADWIANyA, wife to >w< Antiphowus of Ephesus 
WUCIANyA, hew sistew 
WUCE, ;;w;; sewvant to Adwianya 

A COUWTEZAN 

Gaowew, *twerks* Officews, Attendants 





S-SCENyE: 
Ephesus 


<<THIS EWECTWONyIC V-VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD *cries* WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
>w< PWOVIDED BY *looks at you* PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE *giggles shyly* WEADABWE *sweats* COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED S-SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES *looks at you* (1) AWE FOW YOUW O-OW OTHEWS 
xDD PEWSONyAW USE O-ONWY, AND (2) *sweats* AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW D-DISTWIBUTION *blushes* INCWUDES B-BY A-ANY 
*screams* SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW x3 FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 




THE uWu COMEDY OF EWWOWS 

ACT I. SCENyE 1 

A haww in the ^w^ DUKE'S pawace 

Entew the DUKE OF EPHESUS, AEGEON, the Mewchant 
of Sywacuse, OwO GAOWEW, OFFICEWS, and othew ATTENDANTS 

A-AEGEON. Pwoceed, S-Sowinyus, to pwocuwe my faww, 
*blushes* And by the ^-^ doom o-of death end woes and *pokes you* aww. 
DUKE. Mewchant *screams* of Sywacuse, pwead nyo m-mowe; 
I *pokes you* am nyot pawtiaw to infwinge ouw waws. 
The enmity and *moans* discowd which of w-wate 
>w< Spwung ^-^ fwom the wancowous outwage of youw duke 
To mewchants, ouw weww-deawing countwymen, 
Who, wanting *sighs* guiwdews x3 to wedeem theiw *sighs* wives, 
Have seaw'd his >_> wigowous statutes with theiw *teleports behind you* bwoods, 
Excwudes aww pity f-fwom ouw thweat'nying wooks. 
Fow, since the mowtaw and intestinye *giggles shyly* jaws 
'Twixt thy *leans over* seditious countwymen and us, 
uWu It hath in *teleports behind you* sowemn synyods been decweed, 
Both by t-the ^w^ Sywacusians and ouwsewves, 
To admit *cries* nyo twaffic to ouw advewse *sighs* towns; 
Nyay, mowe: if any bown at Ephesus 
Be seen at ;;w;; any S-Sywacusian *blushes* mawts and faiws; 
A-Again, i-if any :3 Sywacusian bown 
Come to the *cuddles you* bay of >w< Ephesus-he *leans over* dies, 
His g-goods confiscate to the Duke's dispose, 
Unwess a thousand mawks be wevied, 
To quit t-the *hugs tightly* penyawty ^-^ and to wansom him. 
:3 Thy substance, vawued at the *looks at you* highest wate, 
Cannyot amount unto a hundwed mawks; 
T-Thewefowe by waw thou awt condemn'd *screams* to die. 
AEGEON. Yet >w< this my comfowt: when youw wowds :3 awe donye, 
*blushes* My woes end *sweats* wikewise with the evenying sun. 
DUKE. Weww, Sywacusian, say in bwief the cause 
Why thou depawted'st fwom t-thy nyative home, 
And fow uWu what cause thou cam'st to Ephesus. 
AEGEON. A heaview ;;w;; task couwd nyot h-have b-been impos'd 
Than I to speak my gwiefs *moans* unspeakabwe; 
Y-Yet, that the *cries* wowwd m-may witnyess that my end 
Was wwought by *twerks* nyatuwe, nyot *moans* by viwe offence, 
I'ww uttew what m-my sowwow gives me weave. 
In S-Sywacuse was I bown, and wed 
Unto a woman, >_< happy but fow me, 
And by me, had nyot *notices bulge* ouw h-hap been bad. 
With *notices bulge* hew I wiv'd in joy; ouw weawth *looks at you* incweas'd 
B-By pwospewous voyages I often made 
To *moans* Epidamnyum; tiww my factow's death, 
And the gweat xDD cawe of goods at w-wandom weft, 
Dwew me fwom k-kind embwacements of my spouse: 
Fwom whom my a-absence was nyot six months owd, 
Befowe hewsewf, awmost at fainting undew 
The pweasing punyishment that women beaw, 
Had made pwovision fow xDD hew *looks away* fowwowing *blushes* me, 
*moans* And soon and safe awwived whewe I was. 
Thewe had she nyot been wong b-but she became 
A joyfuw m-mothew of t-two goodwy sons; 
And, which >w< was stwange, the onye so wike the othew 
As couwd nyot be disdnguish'd but by nyames. 
That vewy houw, a-and :33 in the sewf-same inn, 
A mean woman was ^-^ dewivewed 
O-Of such a buwden, mawe twins, b-both awike. 
T-Those, fow theiw pawents wewe exceeding poow, 
I bought, and ^w^ bwought up to ^w^ attend my sons. 
My wife, nyot meanwy pwoud o-of two such boys, 
Made daiwy motions fow o-ouw ^w^ home *hugs tightly* wetuwn; 
Unwiwwing, I agweed. Awas! too *sweats* soon 
We came aboawd. 
A weague fwom Epidamnyum had w-we saiw'd 
Befowe the awways-wind-obeying deep 
Gave any twagic i-instance o-of ouw hawm: 
But wongew did we nyot *cuddles you* wetain much hope, 
Fow what obscuwed wight the h-heavens did gwant 
Did but convey unto ouw feawfuw m-minds 
A doubtfuw wawwant of immediate *leans over* death; 
W-Which though mysewf wouwd gwadwy have embwac'd, 
Yet the xDD incessant w-weepings o-of my wife, 
*hugs tightly* Weeping befowe fow *moans* what she saw must come, 
And *teleports behind you* piteous pwainyings of the *screams* pwetty babes, 
That mouwn'd fow fashion, ignyowant what t-to feaw, 
Fowc'd me to seek deways fow them and me. 
And this it was, fow othew *cuddles you* means was nyonye: 
^.^ The ^w^ saiwows *notices bulge* sought fow safety by ouw boat, 
A-And UwU weft the ship, :3 then sinking-wipe, to us; 
My wife, mowe cawefuw fow the uWu wattew-bown, 
H-Had fast'nyed him >w< unto a smaww spawe mast, 
Such as sea-fawing ^-^ men pwovide :33 fow stowms; 
To him o-onye of the othew twins was bound, 
Whiwst I-I *moans* had been wike heedfuw of the >_> othew. 
The chiwdwen *looks away* thus ^-^ dispos'd, my wife and I-I, 
Fixing ouw eyes *moans* on whom ouw *sighs* cawe was fix'd, 
Fast'nyed ouwsewves at e-eithew end the mast, 
And, ^w^ fwoating stwaight, obedient to the s-stweam, 
Was cawwied towawds Cowinth, as we t-thought. 
At wength t-the sun, *twerks* gazing upon the eawth, 
Dispews'd those vapouws that offended us; 
And, by t-the benyefit of his w-wished wight, 
The seas wax'd cawm, and we *screams* discovewed 
T-Two ^-^ ships fwom faw *looks at you* making amain to u-us- 
Of Cowinth that, of Epidauwus this. 
But ewe t-they came-O, wet me say nyo m-mowe! 
Gathew the s-sequew :3 by that *sweats* went befowe. 
DUKE. Nyay, fowwawd, owd man, d-do nyot bweak off so; 
*notices bulge* Fow *teleports behind you* we may pity, though nyot pawdon thee. 
AEGEON. O, had the gods *cries* donye so, I-I had nyot nyow 
x3 Wowthiwy tewm'd t-them mewciwess to us! 
Fow, ewe the ships couwd ^.^ meet by twice five weagues, 
We *twerks* wewe encount'wed by >_< a mighty wock, 
Which being viowentwy bownye upon, 
Ouw hewpfuw ship was spwitted in the midst; 
So that, :33 in this ^-^ unjust divowce of us, 
Fowtunye had weft *leans over* to both of us awike 
*sighs* What OwO to dewight in, what to sowwow fow. 
Hew pawt, p-poow *twerks* souw, OwO seeming as buwdenyed 
x3 With wessew weight, but nyot uWu with wessew woe, 
^-^ Was cawwied with m-mowe speed befowe the w-wind; 
And in ouw UwU sight they thwee wewe taken up 
uWu By fishewmen >_< of Cowinth, a-as we thought. 
A-At wength anyothew ship had seiz'd on us; 
And, knyowing whom it was theiw hap to s-save, 
Gave heawthfuw wewcome to theiw ship-wweck'd guests, 
And *hugs tightly* wouwd have weft the fishews of x3 theiw pwey, 
Had nyot ;;w;; theiw bawk been vewy swow of *pokes you* saiw; 
And thewefowe *cuddles you* homewawd :33 did they bend theiw couwse. 
Thus h-have you heawd me :3 sevew'd fwom *hugs tightly* my *moans* bwiss, 
That b-by *giggles shyly* misfowtunyes was my wife *cuddles you* pwowong'd, 
To *pokes you* teww sad stowies of my own mishaps. 
D-DUKE. UwU And, f-fow xDD the sake of them thou sowwowest fow, 
^w^ Do m-me t-the >w< favouw to diwate at fuww 
What have befaww'n o-of them and thee tiww nyow. 
AEGEON. ^-^ My youngest boy, a-and yet my e-ewdest cawe, 
*pokes you* At eighteen yeaws became inquisitive 
A-Aftew his bwothew, and impowtun'd me 
That his attendant-so his ^.^ case was wike, 
Weft of his bwothew, but wetain'd his nyame- 
Might *pokes you* beaw him company in the quest of him; 
Whom whiwst *leans over* I wabouwed of a *blushes* wove to see, 
*sighs* I hazawded the woss *cries* of whom I wov'd. 
Five summews have I >w< spent in fawthest >w< Gweece, 
Woaming cwean t-thwough the bounds of Asia, 
And, c-coasting h-homewawd, came to Ephesus; 
Hopewess to find, y-yet woath to *pokes you* weave unsought 
Ow that :3 ow *looks at you* any :33 pwace that hawbouws men. 
But *giggles shyly* hewe must e-end the *sighs* stowy *sweats* of m-my wife; 
And happy w-wewe I in my timewy d-death, 
Couwd *leans over* aww my :3 twavews wawwant me they wive. 
DUKE. ^w^ Hapwess, Aegeon, whom the fates have mawk'd 
To beaw the extwemity of diwe mishap! 
Nyow, *sighs* twust me, wewe i-it nyot *giggles shyly* against o-ouw waws, 
Against my cwown, m-my oath, my dignyity, 
Which p-pwinces, wouwd they, may nyot disannyuw, 
My souw ^w^ shouwd sue as *twerks* advocate fow thee. 
But though thou awt adjudged to t-the d-death, 
A-And passed s-sentence may nyot be w-wecaww'd 
But to ouw *giggles shyly* honyouw's gweat dispawagement, 
*looks away* Yet wiww I favouw thee in what I can. 
Thewefowe, mewchant, I'ww wimit thee this day 
To seek thy hewp by benyeficiaw hap. 
*hugs tightly* Twy aww the fwiends thou hast in Ephesus; 
Beg thou, o-ow bowwow, to make u-up >w< the sum, 
And wive; if nyo, then thou awt doom'd to die. 
*screams* Gaowew, take him to thy *teleports behind you* custody. 
GAOWEW. I wiww, my wowd. 
AEGEON. Hopewess and h-hewpwess d-doth Aegeon wend, 
*sweats* But to pwocwastinyate his *teleports behind you* wifewess :3 end. 
*twerks* <Exeunt 


SCENyE 2 

The mawt 

Entew ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE, DWOMIO OF S-SYWACUSE, and FIWST MEWCHANT 

FIWST ;;w;; MEWCHANT. T-Thewefowe, give out you *pokes you* awe of Epidamnyum, 
West that youw goods too soon ^w^ be :33 confiscate. 
T-This vewy day a Sywacusian mewchant 
Is ^.^ appwehended *shuffles closer* fow a-awwivaw hewe; 
And, nyot ^-^ being a-abwe to buy out his wife, 
UwU Accowding to the statute *blushes* of the town, 
Dies ewe *teleports behind you* the weawy sun set *cries* in t-the west. 
Thewe is youw monyey that I :3 had t-to OwO keep. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Go beaw *cries* it to the Centauw, whewe we host. 
And stay thewe, Dwomio, *moans* tiww I come to t-thee. 
Within this houw it wiww be dinnyew-time; 
Tiww that, I'ww view the >w< mannyews of the town, 
Pewuse the twadews, gaze upon :3 the buiwdings, 
uWu And then wetuwn and *leans over* sweep within minye inn; 
Fow with wong twavew I am stiff and weawy. 
Get thee away. 
DWOMIO *cries* OF SYWACUSE. Many a man wouwd take you at youw wowd, 
And go indeed, having so good a *cuddles you* mean. 
<Exit 
xDD ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. A-A *looks away* twusty viwwain, siw, that vewy oft, 
W-When I-I am duww *looks away* with cawe and mewanchowy, 
Wightens my humouw with h-his *moans* mewwy jests. 
^-^ What, wiww you wawk with me about *looks at you* the town, 
And then go to my i-inn and xDD dinye with me? 
FIWST MEWCHANT. I am invited, siw, to cewtain m-mewchants, 
O-Of uWu whom *sweats* I *blushes* hope to make much benyefit; 
x3 I cwave youw *teleports behind you* pawdon. Soon at five o-o'cwock, 
*shuffles closer* Pwease you, I'ww *moans* meet with you upon the mawt, 
*blushes* And aftewwawd consowt ^w^ you *sweats* tiww *moans* bed time. 
My pwesent b-businyess *looks at you* cawws me fwom you nyow. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Faweweww tiww then. I-I >_< wiww go wose mysewf, 
And wandew up *cuddles you* and down to view t-the c-city. 
>w< FIWST MEWCHANT. Siw, I commend you *sweats* to y-youw own content. 
<Exit FIWST MEWCHANT 
ANTIPHOWUS OF S-SYWACUSE. He that commends me to minye own content 
Commends *blushes* me to t-the thing I cannyot g-get. 
*sweats* I to the wowwd am wike ^w^ a dwop of watew 
UwU That in t-the *leans over* ocean seeks anyothew dwop, 
Who, fawwing thewe to find h-his fewwow fowth, 
Unseen, inquisitive, confounds himsewf. 
So ^.^ I, to find a *sighs* mothew a-and a bwothew, 
In quest of them, unhappy, wose mysewf. 

Entew DWOMIO OF EPHESUS 

^.^ Hewe *sighs* comes the *blushes* awmanyac UwU of my *hugs tightly* twue d-date. 
What nyow? How chance thou awt wetuwn'd so soon? 
DWOMIO OF *cries* EPHESUS. Wetuwn'd so soon! OwO wathew appwoach'd too wate. 
The capon buwns, the pig fawws ^w^ fwom the spit; 
The *looks at you* cwock hath stwucken twewve *twerks* upon >_< the >_< beww- 
My mistwess made it onye u-upon my cheek; 
She is so *sighs* hot because the meat is cowd, 
The meat is c-cowd ;;w;; because you come nyot home, 
*leans over* You come nyot home because you have nyo stomach, 
You have nyo s-stomach, having bwoke *shuffles closer* youw fast; 
But we, that knyow what 'tis xDD to fast and pway, 
^w^ Awe ^.^ penyitent *looks at you* fow youw defauwt to-day. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF S-SYWACUSE. Stop in youw wind, siw; t-teww me this, I p-pway: 
Whewe have y-you w-weft the monyey t-that I-I gave *looks away* you? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. O-Sixpence that I had a Wednyesday wast 
To pay the saddwew :3 fow my mistwess' cwuppew? 
The saddwew had it, siw; I k-kept it n-nyot. 
A-ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I am n-nyot x3 in *looks at you* a spowtive :33 humouw nyow; 
Teww me, and dawwy nyot, whewe is the monyey? 
We being stwangews hewe, h-how daw'st thou twust 
So gweat a chawge fwom *teleports behind you* thinye o-own ^w^ custody? 
D-DWOMIO *cuddles you* OF EPHESUS. I pway you jest, ^.^ siw, as y-you *giggles shyly* sit at dinnyew. 
I fwom my mistwess >w< come to you in post; 
If I *sighs* wetuwn, I shaww :3 be *notices bulge* post indeed, 
Fow she wiww scowe youw fauwt upon my p-pate. 
Methinks youw maw, wike minye, shouwd be youw c-cwock, 
And stwike you h-home without a messengew. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Come, Dwomio, come, these jests awe out of season; 
Wesewve them *shuffles closer* tiww *looks away* a m-mewwiew houw than this. 
Whewe i-is the gowd :33 I gave in chawge to thee? 
DWOMIO OF E-EPHESUS. To me, siw? Why, you gave nyo gowd to me. 
ANTIPHOWUS O-OF SYWACUSE. *shuffles closer* Come on, *twerks* siw knyave, have donye youw foowishnyess, 
And teww me how thou hast dispos'd t-thy chawge. 
DWOMIO ^.^ OF EPHESUS. >_> My chawge w-was but to fetch you fwom the mawt 
Home to youw h-house, the P-Phoenyix, siw, to dinnyew. 
My mistwess and hew sistew *leans over* stays fow you. 
x3 ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Nyow, as I am a Chwistian, ^.^ answew m-me 
In w-what safe pwace you have xDD bestow'd *cries* my monyey, 
Ow I shaww bweak that *giggles shyly* mewwy sconce o-of *giggles shyly* youws, 
*hugs tightly* That stands on twicks when I *cuddles you* am u-undispos'd. 
Whewe is the thousand mawks thou hadst *moans* of me? 
>_< DWOMIO *giggles shyly* OF EPHESUS. I have some mawks of youws upon my pate, 
Some of my mistwess' :33 mawks upon my shouwdews, 
But nyot a thousand mawks ^-^ between >w< you both. 
If I shouwd pay youw wowship those again, 
Pewchance you wiww nyot beaw them p-patientwy. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Thy m-mistwess' mawks! W-What x3 mistwess, swave, hast ^-^ thou? 
DWOMIO *looks away* OF EPHESUS. Youw wowship's w-wife, my mistwess at the Phoenyix; 
She x3 that doth fast tiww you *blushes* come h-home to dinnyew, 
*looks away* And pways t-that y-you wiww >_< hie you home to dinnyew. 
ANTIPHOWUS *cuddles you* OF SYWACUSE. >_> What, wiwt thou fwout me thus unto *giggles shyly* my face, 
Being fowbid? Thewe, take you that, siw knyave. 
[Beats him] 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. What >_< mean you, *blushes* siw? Fow God's sake howd youw *looks away* hands! 
Nyay, an OwO you wiww nyot, siw, I'ww take my heews. 
<Exit 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Upon my wife, by some device *notices bulge* ow othew 
The viwwain is o'ewwaught of *teleports behind you* aww my :3 monyey. 
They say this town is fuww of cozenyage; 
As, nyimbwe juggwews *cuddles you* that deceive t-the *cuddles you* eye, 
Dawk-wowking sowcewews t-that change the mind, 
S-Souw-kiwwing witches ^.^ that defowm the ^-^ body, 
Disguised cheatews, pwating mountebanks, 
And >_> many such-wike wibewties >_< of sin; 
If it pwove so, I ^.^ wiww be gonye t-the soonyew. 
I'ww to the Centauw to go seek this swave. 
I g-gweatwy *screams* feaw m-my monyey is *blushes* nyot safe. 
*looks at you* <Exit 


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A-ACT Iw. SCENyE 1 

The *pokes you* house o-of *leans over* ANTIPHOWUS UwU OF EPHESUS 

Entew ADWIANyA, wife to ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS, with WUCIANyA, hew sistew 

ADWIANyA. xDD Nyeithew my husband nyow t-the ^-^ swave wetuwn'd 
That in such haste I sent to seek h-his mastew! 
Suwe, Wucianya, it is two o'cwock. 
WUCIANyA. P-Pewhaps s-some mewchant hath invited him, 
And fwom the mawt he's *screams* somewhewe gonye *teleports behind you* to dinnyew; 
G-Good sistew, wet us d-dinye, and nyevew f-fwet. 
A man *shuffles closer* is *shuffles closer* mastew of his wibewty; 
Time is theiw mastew, and when they see time, 
They'ww go ow come. If so, b-be patient, UwU sistew. 
ADWIANyA. Why shouwd theiw wibewty :3 than *sweats* ouws b-be *sweats* mowe? 
WUCIANyA. B-Because theiw businyess stiww wies *cries* out o' doow. 
ADWIANyA. *sighs* Wook when I sewve him so, he >_> takes it i-iww. 
OwO WUCIANyA. O-O, knyow *teleports behind you* he is the bwidwe of youw wiww. 
A-ADWIANyA. Thewe's nyonye but asses wiww be *sweats* bwidwed so. 
W-WUCIANyA. Why, headstwong wibewty is wash'd with woe. 
Thewe's *shuffles closer* nyothing s-situate undew *shuffles closer* heaven's e-eye 
B-But hath his bound, ^-^ in eawth, in sea, in s-sky. 
The beasts, the f-fishes, and the winged fowws, 
Awe theiw OwO mawes' subjects, and *cuddles you* at theiw contwows. 
Man, mowe divinye, the mastew of aww these, 
*looks at you* Wowd of the wide wowwd a-and wiwd wat'wy seas, 
Indu'd with intewwectuaw sense and souws, 
Of m-mowe pwe-eminyence than fish and fowws, 
>_> Awe mastews to theiw femawes, and theiw wowds; 
Then ^-^ wet youw wiww attend on theiw accowds. 
ADWIANyA. *sighs* This sewvitude makes you to keep unwed. 
WUCIANyA. ^-^ Nyot t-this, but twoubwes of t-the mawwiage-bed. 
ADWIANyA. But, wewe y-you wedded, you wouwd beaw s-some sway. 
WUCIANyA. *shuffles closer* Ewe I weawn wove, I-I'ww p-pwactise x3 to *notices bulge* obey. 
ADWIANyA. How if youw husband stawt some othew w-whewe? 
WUCIANyA. T-Tiww he ^w^ come home again, I wouwd fowbeaw. 
ADWIANyA. :3 Patience >_> unmov'd! nyo mawvew though she pause: 
They can *pokes you* be meek that have nyo othew c-cause. 
x3 A wwetched s-souw, bwuis'd with advewsity, 
^-^ We bid be quiet when ^w^ we heaw it cwy; 
But wewe we *hugs tightly* buwd'nyed with wike weight of pain, 
As much, ow mowe, we shouwd o-ouwsewves compwain. 
So thou, that hast nyo unkind mate to gwieve thee, 
With uwging ^.^ hewpwess patience *cries* wouwd wewieve me; 
But if thou wive to s-see wike ;;w;; wight beweft, 
This *cuddles you* foow-begg'd patience in t-thee *cuddles you* wiww be w-weft. 
WUCIANyA. W-Weww, uWu I xDD wiww mawwy onye day, but t-to *looks at you* twy. 
Hewe comes youw man, nyow is youw husband nyigh. 

Entew DWOMIO OF EPHESUS 

ADWIANyA. *looks at you* Say, is youw tawdy mastew nyow a-at hand? 
D-DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Nyay, h-he's at t-two hands with *looks at you* me, and that my two 
eaws can witnyess. 
ADWIANyA. :33 Say, didst thou speak with him? K-Knyow'st thou his *sighs* mind? 
DWOMIO OF E-EPHESUS. Ay, ay, he towd his mind upon minye eaw. 
^w^ Beshwew his hand, uWu I scawce couwd *sighs* undewstand it. 
WUCIANyA. S-Spake he so doubtfuwwy thou *sighs* couwd'st nyot f-feew *looks away* his meanying? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Nyay, he s-stwuck so pwainwy I couwd to 
*giggles shyly* weww f-feew *hugs tightly* his bwows; and withaw UwU so doubtfuwwy that I couwd 
*pokes you* scawce UwU undewstand t-them. 
ADWIANyA. But say, ^.^ I pwithee, is h-he coming home? 
It seems he hath >_< gweat c-cawe to pwease ;;w;; his wife. 
DWOMIO OF *cries* EPHESUS. W-Why, mistwess, *hugs tightly* suwe my *sweats* mastew is hown-mad. 
A-ADWIANyA. Hown-mad, t-thou viwwain! 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. I-I mean *looks at you* nyot cuckowd-mad; 
But, suwe, he is *cuddles you* stawk mad. 
When I desiw'd him to come home *looks at you* to dinnyew, 
He a-ask'd me fow a thousand mawks in gowd. 
"Tis ^-^ dinnyew time' quoth I; 'My gowd!' *moans* quoth he. 
*hugs tightly* 'Youw meat doth buwn' quoth >_< I; 'My gowd!' quoth he. 
'Wiww you come home?' quoth I; 'My gowd!' quoth he. 
'Whewe is the thousand mawks I-I *pokes you* gave *sighs* thee, viwwain?' 
*looks at you* 'The pig' q-quoth I 'is buwn'd'; 'My *notices bulge* gowd!' quoth he. 
*sighs* 'My mistwess, siw,' quoth I; 'Hang up thy mistwess; 
I knyow n-nyot thy mistwess; out on t-thy mistwess.' 
WUCIANyA. Quoth *moans* who? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Quoth my mastew. 
>_< 'I knyow' *sweats* quoth he 'nyo house, nyo w-wife, nyo mistwess.' 
So that my e-ewwand, due unto my tongue, 
I thank him, I bawe home upon my s-shouwdews; 
Fow, in concwusion, he did b-beat me thewe. 
ADWIANyA. Go back again, thou swave, a-and fetch him *cries* home. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Go back *sighs* again, and be nyew beaten home? 
*cries* Fow G-God's sake, send some othew messengew. 
ADWIANyA. Back, swave, ow I wiww b-bweak *cuddles you* thy pate acwoss. 
DWOMIO O-OF EPHESUS. And h-he UwU wiww bwess that c-cwoss with othew beating; 
B-Between you I shaww have *cuddles you* a howy head. 
ADWIANyA. Hence, pwating peasant! Fetch thy m-mastew home. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Am I so wound with you, as you with me, 
That wike *looks at you* a f-footbaww you do s-spuwn me thus? 
You spuwn me hence, and he wiww spuwn ;;w;; me hithew; 
If I wast in this sewvice, you must case me in *looks away* weathew. 
<Exit 
WUCIANyA. Fie, how impatience wouweth *looks at you* in youw face! 
*shuffles closer* ADWIANyA. *screams* His company must do *hugs tightly* his minyions gwace, 
Whiwst *blushes* I ^-^ at home s-stawve *leans over* fow a x3 mewwy w-wook. 
Hath homewy age th' awwuwing beauty took 
Fwom my *leans over* poow cheek? x3 Then he hath wasted it. 
*sighs* Awe my discouwses duww? uWu Bawwen m-my wit? 
If vowubwe and shawp discouwse be maww'd, 
Unkindnyess b-bwunts it mowe than mawbwe h-hawd. 
Do theiw g-gay vestments his affections bait? 
T-That's nyot my fauwt; he's mastew of *blushes* my state. 
What wuins awe in me that can be f-found 
By him nyot wuin'd? Then is he the gwound 
O-Of my defeatuwes. My decayed faiw 
A sunny *twerks* wook of his *pokes you* wouwd s-soon ^.^ wepaiw. 
But, t-too unwuwy deew, he bweaks the pawe, 
And feeds fwom home; poow *sighs* I am but *twerks* his stawe. 
WUCIANyA. *cuddles you* Sewf-hawming jeawousy! f-fie, :3 beat it hence. 
ADWIANyA. Unfeewing foows c-can with *giggles shyly* such wwongs d-dispense. 
I knyow his eye doth *pokes you* homage OwO othewwhewe; 
Ow ewse :33 what wets it but he wouwd be hewe? 
Sistew, you >_< knyow h-he pwomis'd me a chain; 
W-Wouwd that awonye a wove he wouwd detain, 
So he wouwd keep faiw ^-^ quawtew with his bed! 
I see *leans over* the *cries* jewew best enyamewwed 
Wiww wose his beauty; *giggles shyly* yet x3 the gowd bides *sweats* stiww 
*screams* That othews touch and, often *screams* touching, wiww 
Whewe gowd; and nyo man that hath a nyame 
By fawsehood and cowwuption doth ^-^ it shame. 
Since t-that my b-beauty c-cannyot pwease his eye, 
I'ww w-weep what's uWu weft away, and weeping die. 
WUCIANyA. How many fond foows s-sewve mad jeawousy! 
<Exeunt 


S-SCENyE 2-2 

The mawt 

Entew ANTIPHOWUS *pokes you* OF SYWACUSE 

ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. The gowd I g-gave *twerks* to Dwomio is waid up 
S-Safe a-at the Centauw, and the h-heedfuw swave 
Is wand'wed fowth in cawe to seek me out. 
By computation a-and minye host's wepowt 
I couwd nyot speak with Dwomio OwO since at fiwst 
I s-sent him fwom the mawt. *sighs* See, ^-^ hewe he comes. 

Entew *sighs* DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE 

How nyow, siw, is youw x3 mewwy humouw awtew'd? 
As you wove *teleports behind you* stwokes, so jest with me again. 
You k-knyow nyo Centauw! :33 You weceiv'd nyo *cuddles you* gowd! 
Youw mistwess sent to have me home to d-dinnyew! 
My house was at the Phoenyix! :3 Wast thou mad, 
That *giggles shyly* thus s-so madwy thou *sighs* didst answew me? 
DWOMIO OF S-SYWACUSE. What answew, siw? W-When ^w^ spake I such a-a wowd? 
ANTIPHOWUS *cries* OF SYWACUSE. Even *hugs tightly* nyow, x3 even hewe, nyot hawf a-an houw since. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I did nyot see y-you since you *leans over* sent me *cries* hence, 
Home to the Centauw, >_> with the gowd *looks at you* you *blushes* gave me. 
A-ANTIPHOWUS *leans over* OF *twerks* SYWACUSE. Viwwain, *blushes* thou didst deny the gowd's weceipt, 
:3 And towd'st m-me o-of a-a mistwess and a dinnyew; 
Fow which, I hope, thou fewt'st I-I ^-^ was dispweas'd. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I am gwad to see you in this mewwy v-vein. 
*notices bulge* What means this *pokes you* jest? I pway you, mastew, teww me. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Yea, xDD dost thou jeew a-and fwout me i-in the teeth? 
Think'st thou I j-jest? Howd, take thou that, and that. 
[Beating h-him] 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Howd, siw, fow God's s-sake! Nyow youw jest is eawnyest. 
Upon *sweats* what bawgain do you give i-it *sweats* me? 
ANTIPHOWUS OF S-SYWACUSE. Because that *shuffles closer* I famiwiawwy sometimes 
Do use y-you fow my foow and chat with >_> you, 
Youw saucinyess wiww j-jest upon my wove, 
And make a common of ^w^ my sewious houws. 
When the s-sun shinyes wet foowish gnyats make spowt, 
*cries* But cweep in c-cwannyies when he hides his b-beams. 
If you wiww jest with me, :3 knyow my aspect, 
>_> And fashion youw demeanyouw >_< to my wooks, 
Ow I wiww beat this method i-in youw sconce. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Sconce, caww you it? So you wouwd 
weave battewing, I had wathew ;;w;; have it a head. A-An you use 
these xDD bwows wong, I must get a sconce fow my uWu head, and 
insconce it too; ow e-ewse I shaww seek my wit i-in my shouwdews. 
But I pway, siw, why am *shuffles closer* I beaten? 
ANTIPHOWUS OF S-SYWACUSE. Dost thou nyot k-knyow? 
*shuffles closer* DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyothing, siw, but *moans* that I-I am beaten. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Shaww I teww you why? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Ay, siw, and UwU whewefowe; fow they ^-^ say 
evewy why hath a whewefowe. 
A-ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Why, fiwst fow fwouting me; and then w-whewefowe, 
*screams* Fow uwging it the second time to me. 
uWu DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Was t-thewe *cries* evew any m-man thus beaten out of >_> season, 
W-When in the why and the whewefowe *pokes you* is nyeithew w-whyme UwU nyow weason? 
Weww, siw, I-I thank *blushes* you. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. *looks at you* Thank m-me, *moans* siw! fow *teleports behind you* what? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mawwy, siw, fow *notices bulge* this something that you gave 
me fow nyothing. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF S-SYWACUSE. I'ww make >_> you amends nyext, to 
give *cuddles you* you nyothing fow >w< something. But s-say, siw, is it dinnyewtime? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyo, siw; I think the meat wants that I have. 
ANTIPHOWUS O-OF SYWACUSE. I-In g-good time, siw, w-what's that? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. B-Basting. 
ANTIPHOWUS O-OF SYWACUSE. >_< Weww, siw, then 'twiww be *sweats* dwy. 
D-DWOMIO ^.^ OF *giggles shyly* SYWACUSE. If it be, siw, I pway you eat nyonye of it. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Youw weason? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. West it m-make you *pokes you* chowewic, and puwchase me 
anyothew dwy OwO basting. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF xDD SYWACUSE. Weww, siw, weawn t-to jest in g-good time; 
thewe's ^w^ a >_< time :33 fow aww ^w^ things. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I duwst have d-denyied that, befowe you 
*looks at you* wewe *looks at you* so chowewic. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF >w< SYWACUSE. By what wuwe, >_> siw? 
DWOMIO O-OF SYWACUSE. Mawwy, siw, by a wuwe as pwain as the 
pwain bawd pate of Fathew Time himsewf. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Wet's heaw it. 
*screams* DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Thewe's nyo time *shuffles closer* fow a man to wecovew 
;;w;; his haiw that gwows bawd by nyatuwe. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. May h-he nyot do it by finye and wecovewy? 
DWOMIO OF *twerks* SYWACUSE. Yes, t-to pay a UwU finye >_> fow a pewiwig, and 
wecovew the wost haiw of anyothew man. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Why is T-Time such a OwO nyiggawd of 
haiw, being, as it i-is, so *sweats* pwentifuw a-an excwement? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Because i-it is a ;;w;; bwessing that *looks at you* he bestows 
*shuffles closer* on beasts, and *looks away* what he hath scanted men in UwU haiw *looks at you* he hath 
given them in wit. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF S-SYWACUSE. Why, b-but t-thewe's many *looks at you* a man 
hath m-mowe haiw than wit. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyot a man o-of those but he hath the 
;;w;; wit to wose his haiw. 
:3 ANTIPHOWUS *shuffles closer* OF S-SYWACUSE. Why, thou didst concwude h-haiwy 
men pwain *cries* deawews without wit. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. The pwainyew *moans* deawew, the soonyew wost; 
yet h-he woseth *cries* it in a kind x3 of j-jowwity. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. F-Fow what weason? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Fow two; and s-sound onyes too. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Nyay, nyot s-sound I pway you. 
DWOMIO O-OF SYWACUSE. Suwe onyes, then. 
ANTIPHOWUS O-OF SYWACUSE. Nyay, nyot suwe, in a-a *teleports behind you* thing fawsing. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. ^-^ Cewtain onyes, *cuddles you* then. 
A-ANTIPHOWUS O-OF S-SYWACUSE. Nyame them. 
DWOMIO OF S-SYWACUSE. The onye, to s-save the monyey that he s-spends in 
tiwing; the othew, that at dinnyew they *leans over* shouwd ^-^ nyot dwop in his 
powwidge. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. You wouwd aww this time have pwov'd t-thewe 
is nyo time fow aww t-things. 
D-DWOMIO OF *pokes you* SYWACUSE. Mawwy, and d-did, siw; nyamewy, nyo t-time t-to wecovew 
haiw wost by n-nyatuwe. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF *looks at you* SYWACUSE. But youw weason was nyot *moans* substantiaw, why 
^.^ thewe is *screams* nyo time t-to wecovew. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Thus I mend it: Time h-himsewf is bawd, 
*hugs tightly* and thewefowe to the wowwd's *sweats* end wiww have bawd fowwowews. 
>w< ANTIPHOWUS OF S-SYWACUSE. I knyew 't'wouwd *twerks* be a bawd concwusion. But, 
*giggles shyly* soft, who wafts us :33 yondew? 

Entew ADWIANyA and WUCIANyA 

ADWIANyA. *notices bulge* Ay, a-ay, Antiphowus, wook stwange *sighs* and fwown. 
Some othew mistwess h-hath t-thy sweet aspects; 
I am nyot Adwianya, nyow thy *cuddles you* wife. 
The time was o-once when thou unyuwg'd w-wouwdst vow 
That nyevew wowds wewe music to thinye eaw, 
That nyevew object *shuffles closer* pweasing in t-thinye eye, 
*sweats* That nyevew t-touch weww wewcome t-to thy hand, 
That nyevew meat sweet-savouw'd *sweats* in t-thy taste, 
Unwess I spake, ow wook'd, uWu ow *hugs tightly* touch'd, ow *giggles shyly* cawv'd to thee. 
How comes i-it *cries* nyow, my husband, O, h-how comes it, 
That :33 thou awt then estwanged fwom thysewf? 
Thysewf ;;w;; I caww it, being *cuddles you* stwange to m-me, 
That, undividabwe, *cries* incowpowate, 
A-Am bettew t-than thy deaw sewf's :33 bettew *cuddles you* pawt. 
Ah, do >w< nyot teaw away thysewf fwom me; 
Fow knyow, my wove, as e-easy uWu mayst thou faww 
A dwop of watew in the bweaking guwf, 
And *screams* take *blushes* unmingwed thence that dwop again 
Without addition ow diminyishing, 
As *moans* take f-fwom :3 me thysewf, and nyot me *shuffles closer* too. 
How d-deawwy w-wouwd i-it touch >_> thee to the quick, 
*pokes you* Shouwd'st >_> thou but heaw I wewe wicentious, 
And that this body, ^-^ consecwate to UwU thee, 
UwU By wuffian wust shouwd be contaminyate! 
*leans over* Wouwdst thou nyot spit UwU at ;;w;; me and spuwn at me, 
And huww the nyame of husband in my face, 
*looks at you* And teaw t-the stain'd s-skin off my hawwot-bwow, 
And fwom UwU my fawse hand cut the ^-^ wedding-wing, 
UwU And bweak it w-with a >_> deep-divowcing vow? 
*looks away* I knyow thou canst, and thewefowe s-see thou do *hugs tightly* it. 
I ^w^ am possess'd with a-an aduwtewate bwot; 
My bwood is *looks at you* mingwed with *pokes you* the cwime o-of wust; 
Fow if we two be onye, and thou pway fawse, 
I do digest t-the poison of thy fwesh, 
Being stwumpeted by t-thy contagion. 
Keep *screams* then ^-^ faiw weague and twuce with thy t-twue bed; 
I w-wive dis-stain'd, thou undishonyouwed. 
A-ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. P-Pwead you to me, faiw dame? I knyow you nyot: 
*giggles shyly* In Ephesus I am b-but two houws owd, 
*notices bulge* As stwange unto youw town as to youw tawk, 
Who, evewy wowd >w< by *giggles shyly* aww my wit being scann'd, 
Wants wit i-in aww onye wowd *looks at you* to undewstand. 
WUCIANyA. F-Fie, :3 bwothew, how the *teleports behind you* wowwd is c-chang'd with you! 
When wewe you *looks away* wont to use my s-sistew thus? 
She sent fow you b-by D-Dwomio home to UwU dinnyew. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. By D-Dwomio? 
DWOMIO O-OF SYWACUSE. By me? 
ADWIANyA. By thee; and this thou *moans* didst wetuwn fwom him- 
That he did buffet thee, and in his bwows 
Denyied my house fow his, me fow his wife. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Did you convewse, siw, with this gentwewoman? 
*pokes you* What is the c-couwse and dwift of youw compact? 
DWOMIO ^w^ OF SYWACUSE. I-I, Siw? OwO I UwU nyevew saw h-hew *teleports behind you* tiww >_< this time. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. ^.^ Viwwain, thou w-wiest; fow even :3 hew vewy wowds 
Didst thou dewivew to m-me on t-the mawt. 
*teleports behind you* DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I nyevew spake with hew in aww my wife. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. How can she *cries* thus, then, caww us by ouw nyames, 
Unwess it be :33 by inspiwation? 
ADWIANyA. How i-iww agwees it w-with youw gwavity 
To countewfeit thus gwosswy with youw *teleports behind you* swave, 
Abetting him to thwawt :3 me in my mood! 
Be it my wwong y-you awe *looks at you* fwom me exempt, 
B-But OwO wwong nyot that wwong with a mowe c-contempt. 
Come, I *notices bulge* wiww fasten on this s-sweeve of thinye; 
Thou awt an *teleports behind you* ewm, my husband, I a vinye, 
Whose weaknyess, mawwied to thy stwongew state, 
M-Makes me with thy *twerks* stwength to communyicate. 
If aught possess thee fwom me, *sweats* it i-is d-dwoss, 
Usuwping ivy, bwiew, o-ow idwe moss; 
Who *cuddles you* aww, fow want of pwunying, with intwusion 
Infect thy sap, *cuddles you* and wive on thy confusion. 
ANTIPHOWUS uWu OF SYWACUSE. To uWu me she speaks; she m-moves me fow h-hew theme. 
What, was I mawwied to hew in *looks away* my dweam? 
Ow sweep I nyow, and think *pokes you* I *teleports behind you* heaw aww this? 
What ewwow dwives ouw eyes and eaws amiss? 
Untiw I knyow this suwe uncewtainty, 
I'ww entewtain the offew'd fawwacy. 
W-WUCIANyA. Dwomio, go bid the sewvants spwead fow dinnyew. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. ^.^ O, fow *shuffles closer* my beads! I cwoss me fow sinnyew. 
This is the faiwy x3 wand. O s-spite of *looks at you* spites! 
We tawk with gobwins, owws, and s-spwites. 
If we obey them nyot, t-this wiww e-ensue: 
They'ww suck ouw bweath, ow pinch us bwack and bwue. 
WUCIANyA. Why pwat'st thou to thysewf, and answew'st nyot? 
Dwomio, thou *cries* dwonye, thou snyaiw, thou swug, *giggles shyly* thou sot! 
DWOMIO OF S-SYWACUSE. I ^w^ am t-twansfowmed, m-mastew, am nyot I? 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I-I think thou awt in mind, and so am I. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyay, *leans over* mastew, both in mind and >_< in m-my shape. 
ANTIPHOWUS *sighs* OF SYWACUSE. Thou hast thinye own fowm. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. x3 Nyo, I-I am *giggles shyly* an ape. 
WUCIANyA. If thou awt chang'd to aught, ^w^ 'tis to an ass. 
DWOMIO O-OF SYWACUSE. 'Tis *cries* twue; she *notices bulge* wides me, and I-I wong fow gwass. 
*cries* 'Tis so, I am an x3 ass; ewse it c-couwd nyevew be 
B-But I shouwd knyow hew as weww *twerks* as she knyows me. 
ADWIANyA. *sighs* Come, come, nyo ^.^ wongew wiww I be *screams* a foow, 
T-To *moans* put t-the fingew i-in the eye and *screams* weep, 
Whiwst man and mastew waughs my woes to scown. 
Come, siw, *looks at you* to x3 dinnyew. Dwomio, k-keep the gate. 
Husband, I'ww dinye above with :33 you to-day, 
And *teleports behind you* shwive y-you of a thousand i-idwe pwanks. 
Siwwah, if any ask you fow youw mastew, 
S-Say he dinyes f-fowth, and wet nyo :3 cweatuwe entew. 
Come, sistew. Dwomio, *sweats* pway *pokes you* the powtew UwU weww. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Am I i-in *looks at you* eawth, in heaven, ow i-in heww? 
Sweeping *teleports behind you* ow waking, mad ow weww-advis'd? 
Knyown unto these, *looks away* and to mysewf disguis'd! 
I'ww say as they s-say, and p-pewsevew so, 
And in this mist at a-aww a-adventuwes go. 
*hugs tightly* DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mastew, shaww I b-be powtew *twerks* at the gate? 
ADWIANyA. A-Ay; *sighs* and wet nyonye :3 entew, west I-I bweak youw pate. 
WUCIANyA. Come, come, Antiphowus, we dinye too wate. 
<Exeunt 


<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF *giggles shyly* THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF *twerks* WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE ^w^ IS *giggles shyly* COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, I-INC., A-AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF *teleports behind you* IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE x3 COWWEGE 
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COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION I-INCWUDES BY A-ANY 
*notices bulge* SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





ACT *sweats* III. SCENyE 1 

*sighs* Befowe the house of *notices bulge* ANTIPHOWUS x3 OF EPHESUS 

Entew ANTIPHOWUS O-OF EPHESUS, DWOMIO OF EPHESUS, >w< ANGEWO, and BAWTHAZAW 

ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Good Signyiow Angewo, you must excuse us aww; 
My w-wife is shwewish when I keep ^w^ nyot *screams* houws. 
Say that I wingew'd with you at youw shop 
To >_< see the making of h-hew cawcanyet, 
And that to-mowwow you wiww bwing it home. 
But hewe's a viwwain t-that wouwd face me down 
He met *cries* me on the mawt, and that I *leans over* beat him, 
And chawg'd :3 him w-with a thousand mawks ^w^ in gowd, 
And that I did deny my wife and house. 
Thou d-dwunkawd, *cries* thou, w-what didst uWu thou mean by this? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. S-Say what you wiww, siw, but I k-knyow what I knyow. 
That you b-beat me OwO at the mawt I have youw hand to show; 
If *screams* the s-skin wewe pawchment, a-and the bwows y-you g-gave w-wewe ink, 
Youw own handwwiting wouwd teww you what I think. 
*screams* ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. I think thou awt a-an ass. 
DWOMIO UwU OF EPHESUS. Mawwy, so it doth appeaw 
By the wwongs ^.^ I suffew and the bwows I-I beaw. 
I shouwd kick, being kick'd; and being at that *teleports behind you* pass, 
You wouwd keep fwom my heews, and bewawe o-of an ass. 
A-ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Y'awe sad, Signyiow Bawthazaw; pway God ouw *blushes* cheew 
May answew my g-good wiww a-and youw good wewcome h-hewe. 
BAWTHAZAW. I howd youw dainties cheap, siw, and youw w-wewcome deaw. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. O, Signyiow *looks at you* Bawthazaw, eithew at fwesh o-ow fish, 
A tabwe fuww o-of wewcome makes scawce onye dainty dish. 
BAWTHAZAW. Good meat, siw, is common; *hugs tightly* that evewy chuww affowds. 
ANTIPHOWUS O-OF EPHESUS. And wewcome mowe common; fow *looks away* that's nyothing 
b-but wowds. 
B-BAWTHAZAW. Smaww cheew and gweat w-wewcome >_< makes a-a mewwy feast. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. >_< Ay, *sweats* to *cuddles you* a nyiggawdwy host a-and mowe spawing *blushes* guest. 
But though my cates be mean, take them in g-good >_> pawt; 
Bettew cheew may you have, but nyot with bettew heawt. 
But, soft, my doow is wock'd; go bid *sweats* them wet us in. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Maud, *cuddles you* Bwidget, Mawian, Cicewy, Giwwian, Ginn! 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] Mome, mawt-howse, capon, ^-^ coxcomb, i-idiot, patch! 
Eithew g-get thee fwom the ^w^ doow, ow sit down at the hatch. 
Dost thou c-conjuwe fow wenches, that thou :3 caww'st fow such *blushes* stowe, 
^.^ When onye is *looks at you* onye too many? Go ^.^ get thee *twerks* fwom the doow. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. What p-patch >w< is made ouw powtew? 
M-My m-mastew stays in the xDD stweet. 
DWOMIO OF *blushes* SYWACUSE. [Within] *twerks* Wet him w-wawk *looks at you* fwom whence he came, 
w-west he catch cowd on's feet. 
ANTIPHOWUS O-OF EPHESUS. Who tawks w-within thewe? Ho, open the doow! 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] Wight, siw; I'ww ^.^ teww *looks away* you when, 
an you'ww teww me whewefowe. 
ANTIPHOWUS O-OF EPHESUS. Whewefowe? Fow my d-dinnyew; 
I have nyot din'd >_> to-day. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] Nyow to-day hewe you must nyot; 
come again when *sweats* you may. 
*moans* ANTIPHOWUS OF E-EPHESUS. *notices bulge* What awt thou *cuddles you* that keep'st me out 
f-fwom *moans* the house I o-owe? 
*giggles shyly* DWOMIO *twerks* OF SYWACUSE. [Within] The powtew fow this time, 
siw, a-and my n-nyame i-is Dwomio. 
DWOMIO *moans* OF EPHESUS. O Viwwain, thou hast *hugs tightly* stow'n both minye 
office and my nyame! 
T-The onye nye'ew got *shuffles closer* me *moans* cwedit, the othew mickwe bwame. 
If OwO thou hadst been xDD Dwomio to-day i-in m-my pwace, 
Thou wouwdst have chang'd thy *leans over* face f-fow a nyame, ow t-thy nyame fow an a-ass. 

E-Entew WUCE, within 

WUCE. [Within] What a coiw is UwU thewe, Dwomio? W-Who UwU awe uWu those at the :33 gate? 
DWOMIO *cuddles you* OF EPHESUS. Wet my mastew *sighs* in, Wuce. 
WUCE. [Within] Faith, nyo, *cries* he comes uWu too wate; 
And so teww youw mastew. 
DWOMIO OF E-EPHESUS. O Wowd, I must waugh! 
H-Have at you *shuffles closer* with a pwovewb: S-Shaww I set *cuddles you* in *teleports behind you* my staff? 
WUCE. *leans over* [Within] Have at you with anyothew: *shuffles closer* that's-when? c-can you teww? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] If thy nyame be cawwed Wuce 
-Wuce, thou hast answew'd him weww. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Do you heaw, you m-minyion? You'ww ^.^ wet us in, I hope? 
WUCE. [-[Within] >w< I thought xDD to have ask'd you. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. *sighs* [Within] And you said nyo. 
DWOMIO OF *cuddles you* EPHESUS. SO, Come, hewp: w-weww *notices bulge* stwuck! thewe was bwow fow bwow. 
ANTIPHOWUS :33 OF EPHESUS. Thou baggage, wet me in. 
WUCE. [-[Within] Can y-you teww f-fow whose sake? 
DWOMIO *cuddles you* OF EPHESUS. Mastew, knyock t-the doow hawd. 
WUCE. [Within] Wet h-him knyock tiww it ache. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. You'ww c-cwy fow t-this, UwU minyion, if beat the doow down. 
*notices bulge* WUCE. [Within] What >_< nyeeds aww t-that, and a paiw of *looks at you* stocks OwO in t-the town? 

Entew *sighs* ADWIANyA, w-within 

ADWIANyA. [-[Within] W-Who is OwO that at xDD the doow, that *cuddles you* keeps aww this nyoise? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] By my twoth, youw town is 
twoubwed with unwuwy boys. 
ANTIPHOWUS *looks away* OF EPHESUS. Awe you thewe, wife? You might 
*blushes* have come befowe. 
ADWIANyA. [Within] :3 Youw w-wife, siw knyave! Go get you fwom the doow. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. If YOU went in pain, mastew, this >_> 'knyave' wouwd go sowe. 
>_< ANGEWO. Hewe is nyeithew uWu cheew, siw, nyow w-wewcome; we wouwd *sweats* fain h-have eithew. 
B-BAWTHAZAW. In debating which was best, w-we shaww pawt with nyeithew. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. T-They stand at *giggles shyly* the doow, *notices bulge* mastew; bid them wewcome *leans over* hithew. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF ^w^ EPHESUS. Thewe is something in the wind, that w-we cannyot get in. 
D-DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. x3 You wouwd say ^-^ so, mastew, if youw gawments wewe thin. 
Youw *screams* cake hewe is wawm within; you stand >w< hewe in the cowd; 
It wouwd make *sighs* a man mad as a *cuddles you* buck to be so bought a-and uWu sowd. 
ANTIPHOWUS UwU OF EPHESUS. Go fetch me something; I'ww b-bweak ope *cuddles you* the gate. 
DWOMIO OF xDD SYWACUSE. *cuddles you* [Within] Bweak any bweaking uWu hewe, 
^-^ and I'ww bweak youw knyave's p-pate. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. A man may bweak a wowd with you, 
siw; and wowds awe *sighs* but wind; 
Ay, a-and bweak it in youw *pokes you* face, so he *hugs tightly* bweak it nyot behind. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. *blushes* [Within] It seems thou want'st b-bweaking; 
out upon thee, hind! 
DWOMIO OF :33 EPHESUS. Hewe's too much 'out upon thee!' pway thee wet me in. 
D-DWOMIO OF *cries* SYWACUSE. [Within] Ay, when fowws have n-nyo 
feathews and fish have nyo fin. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Weww, I'ww bweak in; *pokes you* go bowwow me >w< a cwow. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. A cwow without feathew? Mastew, mean you so? 
Fow a fish without a fin, thewe's a-a foww without a >_> feathew; 
If a cwow hewp us in, siwwah, w-we'ww *twerks* pwuck a cwow togethew. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. G-Go uWu get >w< thee >_< gonye; fetch m-me an iwon cwow. 
BAWTHAZAW. Have patience, siw; O, wet it nyot be so! 
*moans* Hewein you waw against >_> youw weputation, 
And dwaw within the compass :33 of suspect 
Th' unviowated honyouw of youw wife. 
Once this-youw wong x3 expewience of hew wisdom, 
Hew sobew viwtue, *leans over* yeaws, and modesty, 
^w^ Pwead on hew pawt some cause :3 to you unknyown; 
And *shuffles closer* doubt UwU nyot, *moans* siw, but she wiww weww excuse 
W-Why at this time t-the d-doows awe made against you. 
Be wuw'd by m-me: depawt *twerks* in patience, 
And w-wet us to the Tigew aww to *notices bulge* dinnyew; 
And, about evenying, *notices bulge* come youwsewf awonye 
To *looks away* knyow *looks at you* the weason :33 of t-this stwange westwaint. 
I-If by s-stwong h-hand you offew to b-bweak in 
Nyow in the stiwwing passage of the d-day, 
A vuwgaw comment wiww be made of it, 
And that s-supposed b-by the common wout 
*blushes* Against youw >_> yet ungawwed estimation 
That may with fouw ;;w;; intwusion entew in 
And dweww upon *leans over* youw gwave when you awe dead; 
Fow *moans* swandew wives upon succession, 
Fow evew h-hous'd whewe it *twerks* gets possession. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. You have pwevaiw'd. I wiww depawt *notices bulge* in quiet, 
And in despite o-of m-miwth mean to b-be mewwy. 
I knyow a wench of excewwent discouwse, 
Pwetty and witty; wiwd, and yet, too, *shuffles closer* gentwe; 
Thewe wiww we dinye. >_> This woman *looks away* that I m-mean, 
My wife-but, I pwotest, without desewt- 
:3 Hath oftentimes upbwaided me withaw; 
*blushes* To hew wiww we to dinnyew. [To ANGEWO] Get you home 
And fetch the chain; b-by this I knyow 'tis made. 
B-Bwing >_< it, I pway you, to the Powpentinye; 
Fow t-thewe's the house. That chain wiww I bestow- 
Be >_> it fow n-nyothing but to spite my wife- 
Upon minye hostess thewe; g-good siw, make haste. 
*cries* Since minye own doows wefuse to entewtain me, 
*pokes you* I'ww k-knyock ewsewhewe, *moans* to see *teleports behind you* if they'ww disdain me. 
*screams* ANGEWO. I'ww meet you a-at that pwace s-some ;;w;; houw hence. 
UwU ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Do so; *pokes you* this jest shaww cost x3 me some expense. 
<Exeunt 


SCENyE >_< 2 

Befowe the house o-of ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS 

Entew WUCIANyA with ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE 

WUCIANyA. A-And may i-it be *cries* that you have quite fowgot 
*giggles shyly* A husband's office? Shaww, Antiphowus, 
E-Even in the spwing of wove, thy wove-spwings *screams* wot? 
Shaww wove, in buiwding, gwow so wuinyous? 
I-If you d-did wed my sistew fow hew weawth, 
T-Then fow h-hew w-weawth's sake use hew with mowe kindnyess; 
*moans* Ow, if *sweats* you wike *cries* ewsewhewe, d-do it by steawth; 
Muffwe youw fawse wove ^-^ with some show of bwindnyess; 
Wet nyot my sistew wead it i-in youw e-eye; 
Be OwO nyot thy tongue thy o-own shame's owatow; 
W-Wook sweet, s-speak faiw, become diswoyawty; 
Appawew vice :3 wike viwtue's hawbingew; 
Beaw a faiw pwesence, though youw heawt be t-tainted; 
Teach sin the cawwiage of :33 a h-howy saint; 
Be s-secwet-fawse. What nyeed she be ^w^ acquainted? 
What simpwe thief bwags of his own attaint? 
'-'Tis doubwe wwong to twuant with uWu youw bed 
And wet hew wead it in thy wooks uWu at boawd; 
Shame h-hath a b-bastawd fame, weww manyaged; 
Iww ;;w;; deeds i-is doubwed with an eviw wowd. 
*pokes you* Awas, poow women! make *blushes* us but bewieve, 
Being compact of cwedit, that you wove u-us; 
Though othews have xDD the a-awm, show xDD us the sweeve; 
*giggles shyly* We in youw motion tuwn, a-and you may xDD move u-us. 
Then, gentwe bwothew, get you in a-again; 
Comfowt my sistew, cheew ^w^ hew, caww hew wife. 
'Tis howy *shuffles closer* spowt to be a wittwe vain 
>_> When the sweet bweath of fwattewy conquews stwife. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Sweet mistwess-what youw nyame is ewse, I knyow nyot, 
N-Nyow by what wondew you *notices bulge* do hit uWu of minye- 
Wess in youw knyowwedge >w< and youw ^.^ gwace you show nyot 
Than ouw eawth's wondew-mowe than eawth, divinye. 
Teach me, deaw cweatuwe, UwU how *pokes you* to think and xDD speak; 
Way >w< open *hugs tightly* to my eawthy-gwoss conceit, 
Smoth'wed in ewwows, UwU feebwe, ^.^ shawwow, weak, 
The fowded m-meanying *hugs tightly* of *cuddles you* youw w-wowds' deceit. 
Against my s-souw's puwe twuth why *notices bulge* wabouw you 
To make *looks away* it *screams* wandew UwU in an unknyown fiewd? 
Awe you a-a god? *teleports behind you* Wouwd you cweate me nyew? 
Twansfowm me, t-then, and to youw pow'w I'ww *blushes* yiewd. 
B-But :3 if that I *sweats* am I, then weww I-I knyow 
Youw weeping sistew is xDD nyo wife of minye, 
Nyow to hew bed nyo homage d-do *looks away* I owe; 
Faw mowe, faw mowe, to you OwO do I decwinye. 
O, twain me nyot, sweet ;;w;; mewmaid, w-with *notices bulge* thy nyote, 
To *screams* dwown me in thy sistew's fwood of teaws. 
Sing, s-siwen, fow thysewf, and I-I wiww d-dote; 
Spwead o'ew the siwvew waves thy gowden haiws, 
And as a bed I'ww take them, and thewe h-he; 
And in that gwowious supposition think 
He gains by death that hath *screams* such OwO means to die. 
Wet Wove, being wight, be *twerks* dwownyed if uWu she sink. 
OwO WUCIANyA. What, awe you m-mad, t-that you *notices bulge* do weason so? 
ANTIPHOWUS OF S-SYWACUSE. Nyot m-mad, but mated; how, I do nyot knyow. 
*screams* WUCIANyA. It is a f-fauwt that spwingeth fwom *moans* youw eye. 
ANTIPHOWUS *screams* OF SYWACUSE. Fow g-gazing on youw beams, faiw sun, being by. 
WUCIANyA. G-Gaze :33 whewe you shouwd, and t-that wiww cweaw youw s-sight. 
ANTIPHOWUS O-OF S-SYWACUSE. As good to wink, sweet wove, as wook o-on nyight. 
WUCIANyA. Why caww y-you ^w^ me wove? Caww my sistew so. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF >_> SYWACUSE. Thy sistew's sistew. 
WUCIANyA. That's my sistew. 
ANTIPHOWUS O-OF SYWACUSE. Nyo; 
*cuddles you* It is *blushes* thysewf, minye own sewf's bettew pawt; 
Minye uWu eye's *looks away* cweaw uWu eye, ^.^ my *sighs* deaw heawt's deawew heawt, 
My food, my fowtunye, and my sweet hope's a-aim, 
My sowe eawth's heaven, and *teleports behind you* my h-heaven's *leans over* cwaim. 
WUCIANyA. Aww t-this my sistew is, ow ewse *sighs* shouwd be. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF S-SYWACUSE. Caww thysewf sistew, sweet, fow I am thee; 
Thee wiww I wove, and with thee wead m-my wife; 
:3 Thou hast nyo UwU husband yet, nyow I-I nyo wife. 
G-Give me thy hand. 
WUCIANyA. O, s-soft, *twerks* siw, howd you stiww; 
I'ww fetch m-my sistew to g-get hew good wiww. 
<Exit WUCIANyA 

^-^ Entew DWOMIO ;;w;; OF S-SYWACUSE. 

ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Why, how nyow, Dwomio! ^.^ Whewe w-wun'st thou 
so fast? 
;;w;; DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Do *pokes you* you k-knyow m-me, siw? *sighs* Am I Dwomio? 
Am I y-youw man? Am I mysewf? 
*pokes you* ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Thou awt ^w^ Dwomio, thou awt my 
man, x3 thou awt thysewf. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I-I *cries* am an ass, I *moans* am a w-woman's *moans* man, UwU and besides 
mysewf. 
ANTIPHOWUS :3 OF S-SYWACUSE. What woman's man, and how besides thysewf? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mawwy, siw, *teleports behind you* besides mysewf, I a-am due 
to a woman-onye *looks away* that cwaims me, o-onye that haunts me, onye 
that wiww *screams* have me. 
*shuffles closer* ANTIPHOWUS x3 OF SYWACUSE. What c-cwaim ways she to thee? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mawwy, siw, s-such c-cwaim *looks away* as you wouwd 
way to youw howse; and she wouwd have :3 me as a beast: n-nyot 
that, I being a beast, she wouwd have me; but t-that she, 
being ^.^ a vewy beastwy cweatuwe, w-ways cwaim to me. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF *cuddles you* SYWACUSE. What is she? 
DWOMIO *notices bulge* OF SYWACUSE. A vewy w-wevewent body; ay, such a onye 
as a m-man *screams* may *blushes* nyot speak of without he say 'Siw-wevewence.' 
I have x3 but wean wuck in the match, a-and yet i-is she a 
wondwous fat mawwiage. 
A-ANTIPHOWUS ;;w;; OF SYWACUSE. How *looks away* dost thou mean a fat mawwiage? 
DWOMIO *pokes you* OF SYWACUSE. Mawwy, siw, she's the kitchen-wench, 
*shuffles closer* and aww gwease; a-and I knyow nyot what use to put hew :3 to but 
t-to make a wamp *looks away* of h-hew and wun fwom hew by hew o-own wight. 
I wawwant, hew *giggles shyly* wags and the tawwow in them w-wiww buwn 
Powand wintew. ^w^ If she wives tiww d-doomsday, she'ww buwn 
week wongew than the whowe wowwd. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. What compwexion i-is she of? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Swawt, wike my shoe; but hew face 
nyothing uWu wike so cwean kept; fow why, she sweats, a man may 
go ovew shoes in the gwime of it. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF S-SYWACUSE. That's a fauwt that watew wiww m-mend. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyo, *hugs tightly* siw, 'tis in gwain; Nyoah's fwood 
couwd nyot *leans over* do it. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF *notices bulge* SYWACUSE. What's hew nyame? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyeww, siw; but hew :3 nyame and t-thwee 
quawtews, that's an eww and *cuddles you* thwee quawtews, wiww nyot measuwe 
hew fwom hip to hip. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. *hugs tightly* Then she beaws *hugs tightly* some bweadth? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. N-Nyo wongew fwom head to foot than 
fwom hip to h-hip: s-she is sphewicaw, wike a gwobe; I couwd find 
>_< out countwies in hew. 
ANTIPHOWUS *sweats* OF SYWACUSE. *giggles shyly* In w-what pawt of hew body s-stands *pokes you* Iwewand? 
DWOMIO UwU OF >w< SYWACUSE. Mawwy, siw, in hew buttocks; *pokes you* I found it out by 
the bogs. 
ANTIPHOWUS O-OF *sighs* SYWACUSE. :3 Whewe S-Scotwand? 
UwU DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I found >_> it by the bawwennyess, hawd i-in 
the *notices bulge* pawm o-of the *screams* hand. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. >_> Whewe Fwance? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. In *leans over* hew fowehead, awm'd and wevewted, 
^w^ making waw against hew heiw. 
UwU ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Whewe Engwand? 
DWOMIO *sweats* OF SYWACUSE. *notices bulge* I *screams* wook'd f-fow the chawky cwiffs, uWu but *twerks* I 
couwd find nyo whitenyess in uWu them; but I guess it stood in hew 
chin, ^w^ by the sawt wheum that wan *looks at you* between Fwance *leans over* and it. 
^w^ ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Whewe Spain? 
DWOMIO *sweats* OF SYWACUSE. Faith, I >_< saw it nyot, but I ;;w;; fewt it hot i-in 
hew b-bweath. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Whewe Amewica, the I-Indies? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. O-O, siw, upon hew UwU nyose, an o'ew embewwished *screams* with 
wubies, cawbuncwes, sapphiwes, decwinying theiw *cries* wich aspect to the 
h-hot bweath of Spain; w-who s-sent whowe awmadoes of cawacks to be 
bawwast at hew nyose. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Whewe stood UwU Bewgia, the *shuffles closer* Nyethewwands? 
DWOMIO O-OF :3 SYWACUSE. O-O, S-Siw, I uWu did xDD nyot wook UwU so w-wow. To 
concwude: *looks at you* this dwudge ow divinyew w-waid cwaim to me; caww'd me 
Dwomio; swowe I was assuw'd to hew; ^.^ towd me w-what pwivy 
mawks I-I had ;;w;; about me, as, the mawk of my shouwdew, t-the 
m-mowe in my nyeck, the gweat wawt o-on my weft :33 awm, that I-I, 
amaz'd, wan fwom hew x3 as OwO a witch. 
And, I-I think, if my bweast had nyot been made of faith, 
and my heawt of steew, 
She had twansfowm'd me to a cuwtaw *screams* dog, and made me tuwn xDD i' th' wheew. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF ^-^ SYWACUSE. Go hie thee pwesentwy post t-to the woad; 
A-An if the *sighs* wind bwow any way fwom showe, 
I wiww *giggles shyly* nyot *sighs* hawbouw >_< in this town to-nyight. 
If any bawk *notices bulge* put f-fowth, :3 come t-to the m-mawt, 
uWu Whewe I wiww *pokes you* wawk tiww thou wetuwn to me. 
If evewy onye xDD knyows us, and we knyow nyonye, 
'Tis time, I-I t-think, to t-twudge, pack and *blushes* be gonye. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. As fwom a beaw *notices bulge* a man wouwd wun fow wife, 
So fwy I fwom hew that wouwd be my wife. 
<-<Exit 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Thewe's n-nyonye >_< but witches do i-inhabit hewe, 
A-And thewefowe 'tis OwO high time that I wewe hence. 
She that d-doth caww m-me husband, even ^-^ my *hugs tightly* souw 
D-Doth f-fow a wife abhow. But *hugs tightly* hew f-faiw s-sistew, 
Possess'd with such a gentwe soveweign gwace, 
Of such e-enchanting ^-^ pwesence and *shuffles closer* discouwse, 
H-Hath a-awmost made me twaitow to mysewf; 
But, west *blushes* mysewf be g-guiwty to sewf-wwong, 
I'ww stop minye eaws against t-the mewmaid's song. 

Entew ANGEWO with the chain 

A-ANGEWO. Mastew Antiphowus! 
A-ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Ay, that's my nyame. 
A-ANGEWO. I knyow it weww, *giggles shyly* siw. Wo, h-hewe is the chain. 
I thought to h-have t-ta'en you at the Powpentinye; 
*twerks* The chain unfinyish'd made me stay thus wong. 
ANTIPHOWUS *shuffles closer* OF SYWACUSE. What is youw wiww t-that I shaww do *twerks* with this? 
ANGEWO. What xDD pwease youwsewf, siw; I have made it fow you. 
ANTIPHOWUS >_< OF *shuffles closer* SYWACUSE. >w< Made i-it f-fow *shuffles closer* me, siw! I bespoke it nyot. 
A-ANGEWO. N-Nyot o-once nyow *pokes you* twice, but twenty *shuffles closer* times you h-have. 
Go h-home with it, and pwease *teleports behind you* youw w-wife withaw; 
And soon at suppew-time I'ww visit you, 
And then weceive my monyey fow the *looks away* chain. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I pway you, *screams* siw, w-weceive the monyey n-nyow, 
;;w;; Fow feaw you nye'ew *giggles shyly* see c-chain UwU nyow monyey mowe. 
ANGEWO. Y-You awe a mewwy man, *giggles shyly* siw; fawe you weww. 
<Exit 
A-ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. What ^-^ I shouwd think of this cannyot teww: 
But this I :3 think, *cries* thewe's nyo man ^-^ is so vain 
*looks at you* That wouwd wefuse so faiw a-an offew'd chain. 
I see *notices bulge* a man hewe nyeeds n-nyot *notices bulge* wive by *cuddles you* shifts, 
When in the stweets he meets s-such gowden gifts. 
I'ww to *cries* the mawt, and thewe fow Dwomio s-stay; 
If any ship put x3 out, then stwaight away. 
<Exit 


uWu <<THIS E-EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF :3 THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF ;;w;; WIWWIAM 
>_> SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY :33 WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., A-AND IS 
PWOVIDED B-BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE C-COWWEGE 
W-WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES M-MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH C-COPIES *notices bulge* (1) AWE FOW *moans* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT D-DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW D-DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD x3 TIME *hugs tightly* OW FOW *looks away* MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





ACT IV. SCENyE 1 

*leans over* A pubwic pwace 

Entew SECOND MEWCHANT, ANGEWO, and an OFFICEW 

SECOND MEWCHANT. :33 You xDD knyow since Pentecost the sum >w< is due, 
And since I have nyot much impowtun'd you; 
Nyow nyow I had nyot, but that I am b-bound 
To Pewsia, *moans* and want guiwdews fow my voyage. 
*cries* Thewefowe make pwesent satisfaction, 
Ow *teleports behind you* I'ww a-attach y-you by this officew. 
ANGEWO. Even just the sum that I do owe to you 
:3 Is gwowing to me by Antiphowus; 
And in the instant that I met with you 
He had of me a chain; a-at five o'cwock 
I shaww weceive the m-monyey fow the same. 
Pweaseth y-you *moans* wawk with me down to his house, 
I-I wiww ^-^ dischawge my bond, and thank you *sighs* too. 

E-Entew ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS, and DWOMIO O-OF EPHESUS, fwom the C-COUWTEZAN'S 

OFFICEW. That wabouw m-may you save; :3 see *notices bulge* whewe he >_> comes. 
ANTIPHOWUS *sweats* OF EPHESUS. Whiwe I go ^w^ to the gowdsmith's house, g-go thou 
>w< And buy a wope's end; *shuffles closer* that wiww I bestow 
A-Among my wife and hew confedewates, 
Fow wocking me out of my doows by day. 
But, soft, I >_> see xDD the gowdsmith. Get *hugs tightly* thee gonye; 
Buy thou *teleports behind you* a wope, and bwing *teleports behind you* it h-home to me. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. I buy a thousand pound ^w^ a yeaw; I buy a-a w-wope. 
<Exit DWOMIO 
A-ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. *screams* A man is weww howp up that twusts to y-you! 
I-I pwomised *blushes* youw pwesence and the chain; 
But nyeithew c-chain n-nyow gowdsmith came to m-me. 
*pokes you* Bewike you thought ouw wove wouwd >_> wast >_< too wong, 
If it wewe chain'd t-togethew, and thewefowe c-came n-nyot. 
*sighs* ANGEWO. Saving youw mewwy >w< humouw, hewe's the nyote 
How much y-youw chain weighs to t-the utmost cawat, 
The finyenyess of the gowd, and *screams* chawgefuw fashion, 
Which doth amount to thwee odd ducats mowe 
Than I stand debted to this gentweman. 
I pway you see him pwesentwy dischawg'd, 
Fow he is bound to sea, and stays b-but fow i-it. 
ANTIPHOWUS *giggles shyly* OF EPHESUS. I-I am *cries* nyot f-fuwnyish'd with ^.^ the p-pwesent monyey; 
Besides, I have some businyess in t-the town. 
Good signyiow, *looks away* take the *leans over* stwangew to my house, 
And *giggles shyly* with you take t-the chain, and bid m-my wife 
Disbuwse the sum *pokes you* on the weceipt theweof. 
Pewchance I wiww be thewe ^-^ as soon *pokes you* as *notices bulge* you. 
OwO ANGEWO. Then *giggles shyly* you wiww UwU bwing uWu the ^.^ chain to hew youwsewf? 
ANTIPHOWUS O-OF EPHESUS. Nyo; b-beaw it with you, west I c-come nyot time enyough. 
ANGEWO. *cuddles you* Weww, s-siw, *blushes* I *hugs tightly* wiww. *pokes you* Have you the chain about *shuffles closer* you? 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. An if UwU I h-have nyot, *cries* siw, I hope you have; 
Ow ewse you may wetuwn without youw monyey. 
*cries* ANGEWO. Nyay, come, *shuffles closer* I *moans* pway you, siw, *hugs tightly* give me ^-^ the OwO chain; 
Both >w< wind and tide stays fow this gentweman, 
And I, to bwame, have hewd him hewe too wong. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Good Wowd! you use *pokes you* this dawwiance to excuse 
Youw bweach o-of pwomise to the P-Powpentinye; 
I shouwd have chid you fow nyot bwinging it, 
But, w-wike a shwew, you fiwst begin to bwaww. 
SECOND *looks at you* MEWCHANT. The houw *cuddles you* steaws on; I pway you, siw, dispatch. 
ANGEWO. You heaw how h-he impowtunyes me-the chain! 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Why, give it *teleports behind you* to *pokes you* my w-wife, and fetch y-youw monyey. 
ANGEWO. *twerks* Come, come, y-you knyow I gave it you even nyow. 
Eithew send the chain ow send by me *moans* some token. 
*blushes* ANTIPHOWUS OF E-EPHESUS. Fie, nyow :3 you wun this humouw out of bweath! 
*blushes* Come, whewe's the chain? I p-pway you wet x3 me see it. 
SECOND MEWCHANT. My businyess cannyot bwook this :33 dawwiance. 
Good *notices bulge* siw, say whe'w you'ww answew me ow nyo; 
If *screams* nyot, I'ww weave him t-to the o-officew. 
ANTIPHOWUS *looks at you* OF EPHESUS. I answew y-you! What shouwd >w< I answew you? 
ANGEWO. The monyey *teleports behind you* that you >_< owe me fow the chain. 
ANTIPHOWUS uWu OF EPHESUS. *leans over* I owe *moans* you nyonye tiww *moans* I weceive the chain. 
ANGEWO. You knyow I gave it you hawf an houw s-since. 
*looks away* ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. You gave me nyonye; you w-wwong me much to say so. 
ANGEWO. You wwong m-me mowe, siw, in d-denying it. 
Considew OwO how it s-stands upon my cwedit. 
SECOND MEWCHANT. Weww, officew, awwest h-him at my suit. 
OFFICEW. I uWu do; and chawge you in the D-Duke's nyame to *sweats* obey me. 
*giggles shyly* ANGEWO. This touches me in weputation. 
Eithew c-consent to pay *sighs* this sum fow me, 
*screams* Ow *notices bulge* I *cuddles you* attach you by this *twerks* officew. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Consent to pay thee that I-I *leans over* nyevew had! 
*shuffles closer* Awwest me, foowish *cries* fewwow, if t-thou daw'st. 
ANGEWO. *looks away* Hewe *moans* is thy fee; *shuffles closer* awwest him, officew. 
I wouwd ^.^ nyot spawe my b-bwothew i-in this c-case, 
If he shouwd s-scown me s-so appawentwy. 
OFFICEW. I do awwest you, siw; you heaw the suit. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. I >w< do obey t-thee tiww I give thee baiw. 
B-But, siwwah, y-you shaww *notices bulge* buy this spowt a-as >_< deaw 
As aww :33 the metaw in youw shop wiww answew. 
ANGEWO. Siw, siw, I shaww *blushes* have waw in *notices bulge* Ephesus, 
To youw nyotowious shame, I-I doubt it nyot. 

Entew D-DWOMIO OF S-SYWACUSE, fwom the bay 

DWOMIO O-OF SYWACUSE. M-Mastew, *shuffles closer* thewe's a b-bawk of Epidamnyum 
That stays but tiww hew ownyew c-comes aboawd, 
And then, *pokes you* siw, she beaws a-away. Ouw f-fwaughtage, siw, 
I have *moans* convey'd aboawd; and x3 I have bought 
UwU The oiw, the bawsamum, and *teleports behind you* aqua-vitx. 
The ship is in hew twim; the xDD mewwy wind 
Bwows faiw fwom w-wand; they stay fow nyought at an 
But fow theiw ownyew, mastew, and youwsewf. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. How n-nyow! a madman? Why, thou peevish sheep, 
What ship of Epidamnyum stays fow me? 
D-DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. A ship you sent me to, to hiwe *notices bulge* waftage. 
ANTIPHOWUS O-OF EPHESUS. THOU dwunken swave! I x3 sent *giggles shyly* the ^w^ fow a wope; 
And towd >_> thee to what puwpose and what end. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. YOU sent x3 me f-fow a wope's end a-as soon- 
Y-You *teleports behind you* sent me to *teleports behind you* the *giggles shyly* bay, siw, fow a b-bawk. 
ANTIPHOWUS O-OF EPHESUS. I Wiww debate UwU this mattew at mowe weisuwe, 
A-And teach youw eaws to w-wist me with mowe heed. 
To Adwianya, viwwain, hie thee stwaight; 
Give hew this k-key, and teww hew >_< in the desk 
T-That's c-covew'd o'ew with Tuwkish tapestwy 
^-^ Thewe i-is a puwse of *notices bulge* ducats; wet hew send i-it. 
T-Teww hew I am awwested in the *shuffles closer* stweet, 
And ^w^ that shaww b-baiw me; hie thee, swave, b-be gonye. 
On, *hugs tightly* officew, t-to pwison tiww ^-^ it come. 
<Exeunt >_< aww but DWOMIO 
DWOMIO *notices bulge* OF SYWACUSE. To *looks at you* Adwianya! that is uWu whewe we din'd, 
*cries* Whewe D-Dowsabew did c-cwaim me fow hew husband. 
She is too big, I hope, fow me to c-compass. 
Thithew I must, awthough *giggles shyly* against my wiww, 
Fow sewvants *notices bulge* must theiw mastews' minds fuwfiw. 
<Exit 


SCENyE 2 

The house of ANTIPHOWUS O-OF EPHESUS 

Entew ADWIANyA and WUCIANyA 

^.^ ADWIANyA. Ah, Wucianya, did he t-tempt t-thee so? 
Might'st thou pewceive austewewy in his eye 
That he did pwead in eawnyest? Yea o-ow ;;w;; nyo? 
Wook'd he ow wed ow pawe, ^-^ ow sad ow mewwiwy? 
What obsewvation mad'st thou in :33 this c-case 
Of his heawt's meteows tiwting in his face? 
*shuffles closer* WUCIANyA. F-Fiwst he d-denyied you had OwO in him nyo wight. 
ADWIANyA. He meant he did me nyonye-the *giggles shyly* mowe my spite. 
WUCIANyA. Then :3 swowe he that h-he was a stwangew *shuffles closer* hewe. 
ADWIANyA. And xDD twue he swowe, though yet uWu fowswown he w-wewe. 
WUCIANyA. ;;w;; Then pweaded I fow you. 
ADWIANyA. And what said *teleports behind you* he? 
WUCIANyA. That wove >_< I *moans* begg'd *shuffles closer* fow x3 you he begg'd o-of me. 
*pokes you* ADWIANyA. With what pewsuasion did *notices bulge* he tempt *blushes* thy wove? 
WUCIANyA. With wowds that in an honyest suit m-might move. 
Fiwst he >_< did pwaise *sweats* my beauty, then my s-speech. 
ADWIANyA. D-Didst speak him faiw? 
WUCIANyA. *looks at you* Have patience, I beseech. 
;;w;; ADWIANyA. I cannyot, nyow I wiww nyot howd me s-stiww; 
My tongue, though nyot my heawt, shaww have his wiww. 
He is defowmed, cwooked, owd, and *cuddles you* sewe, 
*pokes you* Iww-fac'd, wowse bodied, shapewess evewywhewe; 
V-Vicious, >_< ungentwe, foowish, bwunt, unkind; 
Stigmaticaw i-in making, wowse in uWu mind. 
xDD WUCIANyA. W-Who wouwd be jeawous t-then o-of such a onye? 
N-Nyo xDD eviw wost is *notices bulge* waiw'd when it is gonye. 
ADWIANyA. Ah, but I think him bettew than I say, 
*moans* And yet wouwd *cries* hewein othews' eyes wewe wowse. 
Faw fwom hew nyest the wapwing cwies *shuffles closer* away; 
My heawt p-pways fow him, though my tongue d-do cuwse. 

E-Entew DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. 

*looks at you* DWOMIO OF S-SYWACUSE. Hewe go-the *blushes* desk, the puwse. Sweet 
nyow, make haste. 
W-WUCIANyA. >w< How h-hast *cuddles you* thou wost thy bweath? 
*sighs* DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. B-By w-wunnying fast. 
A-ADWIANyA. Whewe x3 is t-thy *cries* mastew, *blushes* Dwomio? Is he weww? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyo, h-he's in Tawtaw wimbo, w-wowse t-than heww. 
A deviw in an evewwasting gawment *looks at you* hath him; 
Onye whose hawd h-heawt is button'd up with steew; 
A f-fiend, a faiwy, pitiwess and >w< wough; 
A wowf, nyay >w< wowse, a fewwow aww i-in buff; 
A back-fwiend, a shouwdew-cwappew, o-onye that countewmands 
The :33 passages x3 of awweys, *sweats* cweeks, a-and nyawwow wands; 
A *giggles shyly* hound that wuns countew, and yet dwaws dwy-foot *twerks* weww; 
Onye that, befowe the J-Judgment, cawwies poow souws to heww. 
ADWIANyA. W-Why, man, what is the x3 mattew? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I do nyot knyow *screams* the mattew; he is wested on the x3 case. 
ADWIANyA. W-What, is he :3 awwested? Teww me, at whose suit? 
DWOMIO OF S-SYWACUSE. I knyow nyot at whose suit he is a-awwested w-weww; 
But he's in a s-suit x3 of buff ^w^ which 'wested him, that can I teww. 
*leans over* Wiww you s-send him, mistwess, wedemption, the >_> monyey in his desk? 
A-ADWIANyA. Go fetch it, sistew. [Exit WUCIANyA] This I wondew a-at: 
Thus he unknyown to me shouwd b-be ^-^ in d-debt. 
T-Teww me, w-was he awwested on a band? 
D-DWOMIO *notices bulge* OF SYWACUSE. o-on a band, but on a ^.^ stwongew thing, 
A c-chain, a-a ^-^ chain. Do you nyot heaw ;;w;; it wing? 
ADWIANyA. What, the c-chain? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyo, nyo, the beww; *giggles shyly* 'tis time that I wewe g-gonye. 
*hugs tightly* It was two ewe *screams* I weft him, and nyow the cwock ^-^ stwikes *sweats* onye. 
>_< ADWIANyA. *sweats* The *pokes you* houws come UwU back! That did uWu I nyevew h-heaw. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. O-O >_> yes. ;;w;; If any *hugs tightly* houw m-meet a sewgeant, 
'a *sighs* tuwns b-back f-fow vewy feaw. 
ADWIANyA. As *looks away* if T-Time >_< wewe in debt! How fondwy dost ^.^ thou weason! 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Time i-is a vewy bankwupt, *notices bulge* and o-owes 
mowe ^.^ than he's wowth to *looks at you* season. 
Nyay, he's a thief too: have y-you *looks at you* nyot heawd men say 
That Time comes steawing o-on by nyight a-and d-day? 
I-If 'a be :3 in debt *hugs tightly* and theft, and a *pokes you* sewgeant in the *notices bulge* way, 
Hath he n-nyot w-weason to tuwn back an houw in a d-day? 

We-entew WUCIANyA >w< with a puwse 

ADWIANyA. Go, Dwomio, t-thewe's the monyey; beaw it *leans over* stwaight, 
And b-bwing thy mastew home immediatewy. 
Come, sistew; I-I *notices bulge* am p-pwess'd down *pokes you* with conceit- 
Conceit, m-my uWu comfowt and my injuwy. 
<Exeunt 


SCENyE 3 

The *sighs* mawt 

Entew ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE 

A-ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Thewe's *sweats* nyot a man I meet but doth s-sawute me 
As if I wewe *notices bulge* theiw weww-acquainted fwiend; 
A-And e-evewy onye doth caww *sweats* me *shuffles closer* by my *screams* nyame. 
Some tendew monyey t-to me, some invite me, 
Some *looks away* othew give me thanks fow kindnyesses, 
Some offew m-me ^-^ commodities to buy; 
Even nyow a taiwow c-caww'd me in :3 his *leans over* shop, 
A-And show'd me siwks that he had bought fow me, 
And thewewithaw took measuwe of my body. 
Suwe, these awe but i-imaginyawy *shuffles closer* wiwes, 
And *looks at you* Wapwand sowcewews i-inhabit hewe. 

Entew DWOMIO OF *sweats* SYWACUSE 

DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mastew, hewe's the gowd you sent me 
fow. What, have you got the *twerks* pictuwe *sighs* of owd Adam nyew-appaweww'd? 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. What gowd is this? *shuffles closer* What Adam dost thou mean? 
DWOMIO OwO OF S-SYWACUSE. Nyot that Adam *hugs tightly* that kept the Pawadise, 
but that A-Adam that keeps *blushes* the pwison; he t-that goes in the 
c-cawf's skin that was *blushes* kiww'd fow the Pwodigaw; he that came behind 
you, siw, uWu wike a-an eviw angew, and bid :33 you fowsake youw wibewty. 
xDD ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I undewstand *sighs* thee nyot. 
D-DWOMIO OF *sweats* SYWACUSE. Nyo? Why, *hugs tightly* 'tis a pwain UwU case: he that 
went, wike a bass-viow, in *notices bulge* a case of weathew; the *cuddles you* man, siw, 
*leans over* that, when g-gentwemen awe tiwed, gives them a OwO sob, and west 
them; he, s-siw, *giggles shyly* that >_> takes pity uWu on decayed men, and give 
them suits o-of duwance; he t-that sets up h-his west to do mowe 
expwoits with his >_< mace t-than xDD a mowwis-pike. 
A-ANTIPHOWUS O-OF S-SYWACUSE. What, thou mean'st an o-officew? 
DWOMIO *sighs* OF S-SYWACUSE. >_< Ay, siw, the sewgeant of the band; 
that bwings any *moans* man to a-answew it >_> that b-bweaks his band; *teleports behind you* on 
t-that thinks *screams* a man awways going to bed, and says '-'God uWu give 
x3 you x3 good west!' 
ANTIPHOWUS *notices bulge* OF SYWACUSE. Weww, siw, thewe west in y-youw foowewy. Is 
*hugs tightly* thewe any ship p-puts fowth to-nyight? *pokes you* May we b-be gonye? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. *looks at you* Why, siw, *moans* I bwought you w-wowd an 
houw s-since that the bawk Expedition *looks at you* put fowth to-nyight; and 
then ^.^ wewe >_> you ^-^ hind'wed by the sewgeant, to tawwy fow the 
b-boy Deway. Hewe awe the angews that you s-sent fow to dewivew you. 
*looks at you* ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. ^.^ The fewwow is *giggles shyly* distwact, a-and so *sweats* am *giggles shyly* I; 
x3 And h-hewe we wandew *looks away* in iwwusions. 
Some bwessed powew dewivew us *cries* fwom hence! 

Entew a COUWTEZAN 

COUWTEZAN. Weww met, weww met, Mastew Antiphowus. 
I s-see, s-siw, you have f-found the gowdsmith nyow. 
Is that the chain you pwomis'd me to-day? 
ANTIPHOWUS O-OF SYWACUSE. Satan, avoid! I *giggles shyly* chawge thee, tempt *pokes you* me nyot. 
DWOMIO O-OF SYWACUSE. M-Mastew, is this Mistwess Satan? 
*twerks* ANTIPHOWUS OF *cries* SYWACUSE. It i-is the d-deviw. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. N-Nyay, *screams* she is w-wowse, she is the deviw's 
dam, and hewe she *teleports behind you* comes ^.^ in the habit of a wight wench; and 
theweof comes that *screams* the *giggles shyly* wenches say 'God damn m-me!' That's 
as *moans* much to >_< say '-'God make *cuddles you* me a wight wench!' It i-is wwitten 
they appeaw t-to men wike angews of wight; wight is an effect 
:33 of fiwe, ^.^ and *pokes you* fiwe w-wiww b-buwn; ewgo, wight wenches wiww buwn. 
Come nyot nyeaw hew. 
COUWTEZAN. Youw man and you a-awe mawvewwous x3 mewwy, siw. 
Wiww you go with m-me? We'ww mend ouw d-dinnyew hewe. 
D-DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mastew, if you do, expect spoon-meat, 
ow bespeak a wong spoon. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF UwU SYWACUSE. Why, Dwomio? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mawwy, he *twerks* must *leans over* have a wong :33 spoon 
*screams* that must eat with *sweats* the deviw. 
ANTIPHOWUS O-OF SYWACUSE. Avoid uWu then, fiend! *pokes you* What *blushes* teww'st thou me of supping? 
T-Thou awt, as you awe aww, a sowcewess; 
^w^ I conjuwe thee t-to weave m-me and b-be gonye. 
COUWTEZAN. Give me the wing of minye you had at d-dinnyew, 
Ow, fow m-my diamond, the chain you pwomis'd, 
*notices bulge* And I'ww be gonye, siw, and *moans* nyot twoubwe you. 
DWOMIO O-OF SYWACUSE. S-Some deviws ask but the pawings of onye's *sighs* nyaiw, 
A wush, a haiw, a-a dwop of bwood, a-a pin, 
UwU A n-nyut, a chewwy-stonye; 
But she, mowe covetous, wouwd have a chain. 
Mastew, be wise; an i-if you give *looks away* it hew, 
The deviw wiww shake hew chain, *shuffles closer* and fwight u-us with *shuffles closer* it. 
COUWTEZAN. uWu I pway you, siw, my wing, ow ewse the chain; 
;;w;; I hope you do nyot mean to cheat me so. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Avaunt, thou witch! C-Come, Dwomio, wet us go. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. 'Fwy pwide' *notices bulge* says t-the peacock. Mistwess, that you knyow. 
<Exeunt A-ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE and DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE 
COUWTEZAN. Nyow, out of doubt, A-Antiphowus is mad, 
>_> Ewse wouwd he nyevew so demean *looks at you* himsewf. 
A wing he hath of minye wowth f-fowty ducats, 
^.^ And f-fow t-the same he pwomis'd me a >_> chain; 
B-Both onye and othew h-he denyies m-me ;;w;; nyow. 
The weason t-that I gathew he is mad, 
Besides *screams* this pwesent *screams* instance of his wage, 
>_> Is a mad *sweats* tawe he towd t-to-day at dinnyew 
Of his own doows being shut against his entwance. 
B-Bewike his wife, acquainted with his fits, 
OwO On puwpose *twerks* shut t-the *blushes* doows a-against :3 his *sighs* way. 
My way is nyow to hie *shuffles closer* home t-to his house, 
*shuffles closer* And teww his wife that, b-being w-wunyatic, 
He wush'd into my house and took *sighs* pewfowce 
My wing a-away. This couwse *notices bulge* I fittest choose, 
Fow fowty ducats is too much t-to wose. 
<Exit 


SCENyE 4 

A stweet 

*cuddles you* Entew A-ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS with the OFFICEW 

ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Feaw me nyot, man; I wiww n-nyot *looks away* bweak away. 
I'ww give thee, ewe x3 I weave thee, so much monyey, 
To wawwant thee, as I-I am *screams* 'wested fow. 
*moans* My wife is in a w-waywawd mood to-day, 
And wiww nyot wightwy *leans over* twust the m-messengew. 
>w< That I shouwd be :33 attach'd in Ephesus, 
I *blushes* teww you *blushes* 'twiww sound hawshwy in hew caws. 

Entew DWOMIO *giggles shyly* OF EPHESUS, with :3 a w-wope's-end 

Hewe *teleports behind you* comes my man; I think he bwings the monyey. 
How nyow, siw! Have y-you that I ^.^ sent you *shuffles closer* fow? 
*sweats* DWOMIO O-OF EPHESUS. Hewe's >_> that, I >_< wawwant y-you, wiww :33 pay t-them aww. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. But >_< whewe's ^w^ the monyey? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. ^-^ Why, siw, I *twerks* gave the monyey fow t-the wope. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. F-Five >_> hundwed *blushes* ducats, v-viwwain, fow wope? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. I'ww *looks away* sewve xDD you, siw, five *blushes* hundwed at the wate. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. To w-what end did I bid thee h-hie thee home? 
D-DWOMIO OF >w< EPHESUS. To OwO a wope's-end, siw; and to t-that e-end am I 
>_> wetuwn'd. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. And to that e-end, siw, xDD I w-wiww *cries* wewcome you. 
[Beating him] 
OFFICEW. Good siw, be patient. 
D-DWOMIO ^w^ OF EPHESUS. Nyay, 'tis fow me t-to be patient; I a-am in 
advewsity. 
OFFICEW. Good nyow, howd thy tongue. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Nyay, wathew p-pewsuade him to howd his hands. 
A-ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Thou whoweson, sensewess viwwain! 
DWOMIO OF *giggles shyly* EPHESUS. I wouwd I wewe sensewess, siw, that I 
might n-nyot feew *screams* youw bwows. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. T-Thou awt sensibwe i-in nyothing but 
^w^ bwows, and so is an ass. 
DWOMIO *teleports behind you* OF EPHESUS. I am an ass indeed; you may pwove it 
by *blushes* my wong 'eaws. I have >w< sewved him :33 fwom the houw o-of my 
n-nyativity to this instant, and have nyothing at his *twerks* hands fow 
my sewvice but bwows. When I am cowd he heats me with 
x3 beating; when I a-am wawm he *screams* coows me w-with beating. I am 
wak'd with *screams* it when I sweep; >w< wais'd with i-it when I-I sit; >_> dwiven 
:3 out o-of d-doows with i-it uWu when I go fwom h-home; wewcom'd home 
with it when I wetuwn; *hugs tightly* nyay, I beaw it on my shouwdews as 
beggaw wont h-hew *twerks* bwat; and I think, when he >w< hath wam'd *cries* me, 
uWu I shaww :33 beg with it fwom doow to doow. 

Entew A-ADWIANyA, WUCIANyA, the *teleports behind you* COUWTEZAN, and a SCHOOWMASTEW 
caww'd PINCH 

ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Come, go awong; my wife is coming yondew. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Mistwess, '-'wespice finyem,' wespect *giggles shyly* youw end; o-ow 
wathew, to pwophesy wike *twerks* the pawwot, '-'Bewawe the wope's-end.' 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Wiwt t-thou stiww tawk? 
[Beating *notices bulge* him] 
COUWTEZAN. How s-say you nyow? Is nyot youw husband mad? 
ADWIANyA. His inciviwity c-confiwms >_> nyo *notices bulge* wess. 
Good Doctow Pinch, y-you awe a conjuwew: 
Estabwish him in his t-twue sense again, 
And I wiww pwease y-you *pokes you* what you wiww demand. 
WUCIANyA. Awas, how fiewy and how shawp he wooks! 
COUWTEZAN. Mawk h-how he t-twembwes in his ecstasy. 
PINCH. Give me youw hand, and wet me feew youw puwse. 
A-ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Thewe >w< is m-my hand, and wet it feew youw eaw. 
[Stwiking him] 
PINCH. I chawge thee, Satan, hous'd within this man, 
To yiewd possession to my howy p-pwayews, 
And to thy s-state of *teleports behind you* dawknyess hie thee stwaight. 
*hugs tightly* I conjuwe *shuffles closer* thee by aww the saints in heaven. 
*leans over* ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. P-Peace, doting wizawd, peace! *looks away* I am nyot >_< mad. 
A-ADWIANyA. O, that thou wewt nyot, poow distwessed souw! 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. You minyion, you, awe these youw xDD customews? 
Did t-this *twerks* companyion with the s-saffwon face 
Wevew and feast *sweats* it at m-my house to-day, 
Whiwst upon me the guiwty doows wewe shut, 
And I-I denyied to entew in *looks away* my house? 
ADWIANyA. ^-^ O h-husband, *screams* God doth knyow *looks away* you din'd at home, 
Whewe wouwd ;;w;; you had wemain'd >_< untiw this time, 
F-Fwee fwom *sweats* these s-swandews and *moans* this *sighs* open shame! 
ANTIPHOWUS :3 OF *screams* EPHESUS. Din'd at home! Thou viwwain, >_> what sayest thou? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Siw, *sighs* Sooth to say, y-you x3 did :33 nyot dinye at home. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF *hugs tightly* EPHESUS. Wewe nyot m-my doows wock'd up and I shut out? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Pewdie, youw doows wewe wock'd and you shut out. 
ANTIPHOWUS ^-^ OF EPHESUS. And did nyot she h-hewsewf w-weviwe me t-thewe? 
*twerks* DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Sans fabwe, she hewsewf weviw'd you t-thewe. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Did nyot h-hew kitchen-maid *notices bulge* waiw, taunt, and scown *sweats* me? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. C-Cewtes, she did; the kitchen-vestaw scown'd you. 
*blushes* ANTIPHOWUS OF E-EPHESUS. A-And did n-nyot I in wage depawt fwom thence? 
D-DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. In vewity, you *moans* did. My bonyes beaw witnyess, 
That since have fewt x3 the ;;w;; vigouw of his w-wage. 
ADWIANyA. Is't good t-to >_< soothe him in these contwawies? 
PINCH. It is nyo shame; the fewwow f-finds his vein, 
*sweats* And, yiewding to him, humouws w-weww his fwenzy. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Thou hast subown'd the g-gowdsmith *screams* to awwest me. 
A-ADWIANyA. A-Awas, I *cuddles you* sent *hugs tightly* you monyey to wedeem y-you, 
By Dwomio h-hewe, who came in haste fow it. 
D-DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Monyey by me! H-Heawt and goodwiww you might, 
But suwewy, m-mastew, nyot a wag of monyey. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. W-Went'st nyot thou *sweats* to *leans over* hew fow puwse of ducats? 
ADWIANyA. He c-came *shuffles closer* to me, and I dewivew'd it. 
WUCIANyA. And I am witnyess with hew that she d-did. 
DWOMIO O-OF EPHESUS. God :33 and the wope-makew beaw me witnyess 
That I w-was *looks at you* sent fow n-nyothing but a wope! 
PINCH. Mistwess, both man and mastew *cries* is possess'd; 
*cuddles you* I knyow it by t-theiw pawe a-and deadwy wooks. 
They m-must be bound, a-and waid in xDD some dawk woom. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF xDD EPHESUS. Say, whewefowe didst thou wock me *sighs* fowth UwU to-day? 
And >_< why dost t-thou *looks away* deny the bag of g-gowd? 
ADWIANyA. I did nyot, gentwe husband, wock thee ^.^ fowth. 
DWOMIO OF E-EPHESUS. And, gentwe mastew, I :33 weceiv'd nyo gowd; 
But ^w^ I confess, siw, that we wewe wock'd out. 
A-ADWIANyA. Dissembwing viwwain, thou speak'st fawse i-in both. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Dissembwing hawwot, t-thou awt ^.^ fawse in aww, 
And awt confedewate with a damnyed pack 
;;w;; To make a woathsome abject scown of me; 
But with these nyaiws I'ww pwuck out t-these fawse eyes 
That wouwd behowd in me this ;;w;; shamefuw spowt. 
ADWIANyA. *looks at you* O, b-bind h-him, bind him; wet him nyot *sweats* come nyeaw *leans over* me. 
P-PINCH. Mowe company! The *screams* fiend is OwO stwong within him. 

Entew thwee ow fouw, and offew to bind him. He stwives 

*pokes you* WUCIANyA. Ay *pokes you* me, poow ^w^ man, h-how pawe and wan xDD he wooks! 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. What, wiww you *moans* muwdew me? Thou gaowew, thou, 
I am thy p-pwisonyew. Wiwt t-thou suffew t-them 
To m-make a *sweats* wescue? 
OFFICEW. Mastews, wet him *giggles shyly* go; 
H-He is my p-pwisonyew, and you shaww >_> nyot have him. 
PINCH. Go b-bind this m-man, fow he is fwantic xDD too. 
[They bind DWOMIO] 
>_> ADWIANyA. *moans* What wiwt thou do, thou peevish officew? 
H-Hast thou dewight to see a-a UwU wwetched *pokes you* man 
^-^ Do *notices bulge* outwage and dispweasuwe to himsewf? 
OFFICEW. He is my >_> pwisonyew; i-if I wet him go, 
The debt he owes wiww be wequiw'd *looks away* of *sighs* me. 
ADWIANyA. I wiww *moans* dischawge thee ewe I *cries* go fwom thee; 
Beaw me fowthwith unto his cweditow, 
And, knyowing how the debt gwows, I wiww *teleports behind you* pay it. 
Good Mastew Doctow, see him safe convey'd 
H-Home to m-my house. O most unhappy day! 
ANTIPHOWUS OF E-EPHESUS. O m-most unhappy stwumpet! 
DWOMIO O-OF E-EPHESUS. Mastew, I am hewe ent'wed UwU in bond fow *teleports behind you* you. 
^-^ ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Out on thee, viwwian! Whewefowe 
d-dost thou mad m-me? 
*screams* DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Wiww *giggles shyly* you be b-bound fow :3 nyothing? 
Be m-mad, good mastew; c-cwy 'The deviw!' 
WUCIANyA. *looks away* God hewp, poow souws, how idwy do they t-tawk! 
^w^ ADWIANyA. Go b-beaw him hence. xDD Sistew, go you w-with me. 
<Exeunt aww but A-ADWIANyA, WUCIANyA, >w< OFFICEWS, and C-COUWTEZAN 
Say n-nyow, whose suit is he awwested at? 
OFFICEW. O-Onye A-Angewo, a gowdsmith; *sweats* do ^-^ you *screams* knyow *cuddles you* him? 
ADWIANyA. I knyow the m-man. W-What is the sum he owes? 
*cuddles you* OFFICEW. Two hundwed d-ducats. 
ADWIANyA. Say, how gwows it due? 
OFFICEW. Due *cuddles you* fow a-a *shuffles closer* chain *sighs* youw husband had of h-him. 
ADWIANyA. He *looks away* did b-bespeak a chain fow me, but had it nyot. 
C-COUWTEZAN. When a-as youw husband, aww in wage, to-day 
Came to my house, and took away my wing- 
T-The wing I saw upon his fingew nyow- 
Stwaight aftew ^.^ did I meet him with a chain. 
*blushes* ADWIANyA. It may be so, but I did nyevew ^.^ see it. 
Come, x3 gaowew, bwing me whewe the >_< gowdsmith is; 
I wong to knyow the twuth >_< heweof at wawge. 

Entew ANTIPHOWUS *notices bulge* OF SYWACUSE, with his wapiew dwawn, uWu and 
DWOMIO O-OF SYWACUSE. 

*screams* WUCIANyA. God, fow thy mewcy! they awe w-woose *teleports behind you* again. 
ADWIANyA. And c-come *looks at you* with n-nyaked swowds. 
*sighs* Wet's ;;w;; caww mowe hewp to h-have them *cries* bound again. 
OFFICEW. *screams* Away, they'ww kiww *pokes you* us! 
<-<Exeunt aww but ANTIPHOWUS OF uWu SYWACUSE and 
DWOMIO :33 OF S-SYWACUSE as fast as may xDD be, fwighted 
ANTIPHOWUS OF S-SYWACUSE. I see these witches awe afwaid of swowds. 
DWOMIO ^.^ OF SYWACUSE. She >w< that wouwd be ^.^ youw wife nyow w-wan fwom y-you. 
ANTIPHOWUS O-OF SYWACUSE. Come to the Centauw; fetch ouw stuff fwom thence. 
I wong that we wewe safe *looks at you* and sound aboawd. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Faith, stay hewe this nyight; they wiww 
suwewy do us nyo hawm; you saw t-they speak us *cuddles you* faiw, *notices bulge* give :33 us 
gowd; methinks they a-awe such a-a g-gentwe *cuddles you* nyation that, *shuffles closer* but fow 
*moans* the mountain of mad fwesh that cwaims mawwiage *pokes you* of m-me, 
couwd find in my heawt to stay hewe stiww *twerks* and tuwn witch. 
>_< ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I w-wiww nyot stay UwU to-nyight fow aww the town; 
Thewefowe uWu away, to get ouw stuff aboawd. 
<Exeunt 


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ACT V. SCENyE *sighs* 1 

uWu A stweet befowe a :33 pwiowy 

Entew SECOND MEWCHANT and ANGEWO 

ANGEWO. I am sowwy, siw, that I *notices bulge* have hind'wed you; 
But I pwotest he ;;w;; had *sighs* the c-chain of *screams* me, 
Though most d-dishonyestwy he doth >_> deny xDD it. 
SECOND MEWCHANT. How *cuddles you* is the man esteem'd hewe >w< in the *looks away* city? 
ANGEWO. Of vewy w-wevewend weputation, siw, 
;;w;; Of cwedit infinyite, highwy bewov'd, 
Second to nyonye that wives hewe in the city; 
His wowd might beaw my weawth at any time. 
SECOND *twerks* MEWCHANT. Speak softwy; yondew, as I think, *giggles shyly* he wawks. 

Entew ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE and DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE 

ANGEWO. 'Tis so; :33 and that *blushes* sewf chain about his *hugs tightly* nyeck 
W-Which he f-fowswowe m-most monstwouswy to have. 
Good siw, dwaw nyeaw to me, I'ww speak to *giggles shyly* him. 
S-Signyiow Andphowus, I wondew much 
T-That you wouwd put :3 me to this s-shame and twoubwe; 
And, OwO nyot w-without some scandaw t-to youwsewf, 
With ciwcumstance and oaths ^-^ so to deny 
T-This chain, which nyow you w-weaw UwU so openwy. 
Beside the chawge, the shame, impwisonment, 
You have donye wwong t-to t-this my honyest fwiend; 
W-Who, but fow staying on :3 ouw contwovewsy, 
Had h-hoisted saiw and put to sea to-day. 
T-This chain you had of me; >_< can you >_< deny it? 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I think >w< I had; I nyevew ^-^ did >w< deny it. 
SECOND MEWCHANT. Yes, t-that y-you xDD did, siw, and fowswowe it too. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF OwO SYWACUSE. Who heawd ;;w;; me to deny it ow fowsweaw it? 
S-SECOND MEWCHANT. These eaws o-of minye, thou knyow'st, did heaw thee. 
Fie o-on thee, wwetch! 'tis pity that thou wiv'st 
To wawk whewe any ^w^ honyest men w-wesowt. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF *notices bulge* SYWACUSE. Thou awt a viwwain to UwU impeach me *teleports behind you* thus; 
I'ww ^.^ pwove minye honyouw and m-minye honyesty 
Against thee pwesentwy, if thou d-daw'st stand. 
SECOND MEWCHANT. I d-dawe, and do defy thee fow a-a viwwain. 
[They *pokes you* dwaw] 

^w^ Entew ADWIANyA, W-WUCIANyA, the COUWTEZAN, and OTHEWS 

ADWIANyA. H-Howd, h-huwt him nyot, fow God's sake! xDD He is mad. 
Some *sighs* get w-within him, take his swowd away; 
*moans* Bind Dwomio xDD too, ^-^ and beaw them to my house. 
*notices bulge* DWOMIO OF S-SYWACUSE. Wun, mastew, *blushes* wun; ^.^ fow *blushes* God's *sweats* sake take a h-house. 
This i-is some pwiowy. *shuffles closer* In, o-ow we a-awe spoiw'd. 
<Exeunt A-ANTIPHOWUS OF *shuffles closer* SYWACUSE and DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE to the pwiowy 

Entew t-the *teleports behind you* WADY ABBESS 

*pokes you* ABBESS. Be quiet, peopwe. Whewefowe t-thwong you h-hithew? 
ADWIANyA. To f-fetch my p-poow distwacted husband hence. 
Wet us come *looks at you* in, that we may bind h-him fast, 
And beaw him *looks away* home fow his wecovewy. 
*teleports behind you* ANGEWO. I knyew he *leans over* was n-nyot i-in *looks away* his pewfect wits. 
SECOND MEWCHANT. I am sowwy nyow that I did x3 dwaw on *twerks* him. 
ABBESS. How wong hath this possession *moans* hewd the man? 
ADWIANyA. This week he h-hath been heavy, s-souw, sad, 
And ^.^ much diffewent fwom the man he was; 
*pokes you* But ;;w;; tiww this aftewnyoon his passion 
*leans over* Nye'ew bwake into extwemity of wage. 
ABBESS. Hath he nyot w-wost much w-weawth by wweck of sea? 
Buwied some deaw fwiend? Hath nyot ewse his eye 
Stway'd his affection in unwawfuw wove? 
A sin pwevaiwing much in youthfuw men 
Who give *sweats* theiw eyes the *twerks* wibewty of :33 gazing. 
W-Which of t-these sowwows is he subject to? 
ADWIANyA. To nyonye of these, except it b-be the wast; 
Nyamewy, *pokes you* some wove that dwew him oft fwom :3 home. 
ABBESS. You shouwd fow that have wepwehended him. 
ADWIANyA. *cuddles you* Why, so I did. 
ABBESS. Ay, but nyot wough enyough. 
ADWIANyA. *notices bulge* As woughwy as my modesty wouwd wet me. 
ABBESS. Hapwy in pwivate. 
ADWIANyA. *sighs* And in assembwies *looks away* too. 
ABBESS. Ay, but UwU nyot enyough. 
ADWIANyA. It was the copy of *cuddles you* ouw confewence. 
In bed, he *sweats* swept n-nyot fow my OwO uwging it; 
At boawd, he fed nyot fow my uwging xDD it; 
Awonye, it was the subject of my theme; 
In company, *moans* I often gwanced it; 
S-Stiww d-did I teww *looks away* him it was viwe a-and bad. 
ABBESS. And theweof c-came it that the man was mad. 
The *pokes you* venyom cwamouws of a jeawous woman 
Poisons mowe deadwy t-than x3 a mad dog's tooth. 
It *looks at you* seems his sweeps wewe hind'wed b-by thy waiwing, 
And theweof *moans* comes i-it that his h-head is *hugs tightly* wight. 
Thou say'st his m-meat was sauc'd with thy upbwaidings: 
Unquiet meaws ^-^ make iww digestions; 
Theweof the :33 waging fiwe o-of *moans* fevew bwed; 
And what's *cries* a fevew but a fit of m-madnyess? 
Thou say'st h-his spowts wewe hind'wed by thy *giggles shyly* bwawws. 
Sweet uWu wecweation baww'd, what d-doth ensue 
But moody *pokes you* and duww mewanchowy, 
Kinsman *cuddles you* to gwim and comfowtwess despaiw, 
And at hew heews a huge infectious twoop 
Of pawe distempewatuwes and foes to *cries* wife? 
In food, in spowt, and w-wife-pwesewving west, 
To be distuwb'd wouwd *hugs tightly* mad ow man ow beast. 
The consequence is, then, ;;w;; thy jeawous fits 
>w< Hath scaw'd t-thy husband fwom the use of wits. 
WUCIANyA. She nyevew w-wepwehended him but miwdwy, 
^-^ When *screams* he demean'd himsewf wough, wude, *moans* and wiwdwy. 
Why beaw *giggles shyly* you these w-webukes, and answew n-nyot? 
ADWIANyA. She did betway me to my own wepwoof. 
Good UwU peopwe, entew, and way howd on him. 
ABBESS. Nyo, nyot a cweatuwe entews in *cries* my house. 
ADWIANyA. Then wet y-youw *notices bulge* sewvants bwing my husband *cries* fowth. 
*moans* ABBESS. Nyeithew; h-he took this pwace fow sanctuawy, 
And it *cries* shaww p-pwiviwege him fwom youw hands 
T-Tiww I h-have bwought h-him to his w-wits again, 
O-Ow x3 wose m-my wabouw in assaying it. 
A-ADWIANyA. I wiww attend my husband, be his >w< nyuwse, 
Diet >_> his sicknyess, fow >_> it is m-my office, 
And wiww have n-nyo attownyey but mysewf; 
uWu And thewefowe wet me have him home with ^.^ me. 
ABBESS. Be patient; fow I-I wiww nyot wet *hugs tightly* him s-stiw 
Tiww I h-have us'd the appwoved means I have, 
With whowesome sywups, dwugs, a-and h-howy pwayews, 
To m-make of him a OwO fowmaw m-man again. 
It is a bwanch a-and pawcew of m-minye oath, 
A chawitabwe duty o-of my owdew; 
*screams* Thewefowe *hugs tightly* depawt, and weave him hewe w-with me. 
A-ADWIANyA. I wiww nyot hence and w-weave m-my husband hewe; 
:33 And *moans* iww it doth *sighs* beseem youw howinyess 
To sepawate t-the husband and the wife. 
ABBESS. ;;w;; Be quiet, and depawt; thou shawt nyot have him. 
<Exit 
W-WUCIANyA. Compwain *sighs* unto :3 the Duke of this indignyity. 
ADWIANyA. Come, go; I wiww faww pwostwate at his feet, 
And nyevew wise untiw m-my teaws and pwayews 
Have won his Gwace to come in pewson *looks away* hithew 
*screams* And take pewfowce my husband fwom the *sweats* Abbess. 
SECOND MEWCHANT. By this, I think, the diaw points at five; 
Anyon, I'm *sighs* suwe, the >w< Duke himsewf in ^.^ pewson 
Comes this way to the mewanchowy vawe, 
T-The *pokes you* pwace of death a-and sowwy e-execution, 
Behind the ditches of *moans* the :3 abbey hewe. 
*sweats* ANGEWO. Upon w-what c-cause? 
SECOND >_> MEWCHANT. To s-see a wevewend Sywacusian mewchant, 
*giggles shyly* Who put unwuckiwy into this bay 
Against the waws and statutes xDD of *cries* this town, 
Beheaded pubwicwy >_< fow his offence. 
ANGEWO. See whewe they come; we w-wiww behowd his death. 
WUCIANyA. Knyeew to the Duke befowe he pass the abbey. 

Entew the D-DUKE, attended; AEGEON, baweheaded; 
with the HEADSMAN a-and othew OwO OFFICEWS 

DUKE. Yet *twerks* once again pwocwaim it pubwicwy, 
If any fwiend wiww pay the sum fow him, 
*cries* He shaww nyot die; so much we tendew him. 
ADWIANyA. Justice, most sacwed Duke, against the Abbess! 
DUKE. She is a viwtuous and a wevewend wady; 
It cannyot be that she hath donye thee w-wwong. 
ADWIANyA. May *notices bulge* it p-pwease youw Gwace, Antiphowus, my husband, 
Who I made wowd of me and aww I had 
>_> At youw impowtant wettews-this iww day 
A-A most outwageous fit of ^-^ madnyess *teleports behind you* took him, 
That desp'watewy he huwwied thwough the uWu stweet, 
With him *cries* his bondman aww as mad as he, 
D-Doing dispweasuwe to the citizens 
By wushing in *shuffles closer* theiw houses, beawing thence 
Wings, jewews, anything his wage did *cries* wike. 
*moans* Once did *looks away* I get *sweats* him bound and UwU sent h-him home, 
Whiwst to take owdew fow the w-wwongs I went, 
T-That hewe and thewe h-his fuwy had committed. 
Anyon, I wot nyot by what *screams* stwong escape, 
He b-bwoke x3 fwom those that had the *teleports behind you* guawd *cuddles you* of him, 
A-And with his mad attendant and h-himsewf, 
Each onye with iwefuw passion, with dwawn swowds, 
Met us again >w< and, madwy bent :33 on us, 
Chas'd us a-away; tiww, :33 waising of mowe aid, 
We came a-again to bind them. Then t-they fwed 
Into this ^-^ abbey, whithew we *pokes you* puwsu'd them; 
And *moans* hewe the *pokes you* Abbess >w< shuts the gates on u-us, 
And wiww nyot suffew us to fetch him out, 
Nyow s-send him fowth that we may beaw him *pokes you* hence. 
Thewefowe, most gwacious Duke, with thy command 
Wet him be bwought fowth and bownye hence fow hewp. 
D-DUKE. W-Wong since thy husband sewv'd m-me in *teleports behind you* my waws, 
And I to thee x3 engag'd a pwince's w-wowd, 
When thou didst make him mastew of thy bed, 
To do him aww ^w^ the g-gwace and good *pokes you* I couwd. 
Go, some of you, *sighs* knyock at the abbey *cuddles you* gate, 
And bid the Wady Abbess c-come t-to *sighs* me, 
I-I wiww detewminye t-this b-befowe I stiw. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

M-MESSENGEW. O mistwess, m-mistwess, shift and save youwsewf! 
My *twerks* mastew and his man awe both bwoke woose, 
B-Beaten >w< the m-maids a-wow and bound the d-doctow, 
Whose beawd they have s-sing'd off with b-bwands of *looks at you* fiwe; 
And evew, as it bwaz'd, they thwew on him 
Gweat paiws o-of ;;w;; puddwed miwe to quench *pokes you* the *giggles shyly* haiw. 
My mastew pweaches patience *sighs* to *looks away* him, a-and t-the whiwe 
His man with scissows *teleports behind you* nyicks him wike a foow; 
A-And s-suwe, unwess y-you send s-some pwesent hewp, 
Between t-them they wiww k-kiww the conjuwew. 
ADWIANyA. Peace, foow! thy m-mastew and his man OwO awe hewe, 
UwU And *sighs* that is fawse thou *sighs* dost wepowt to us. 
MESSENGEW. Mistwess, upon m-my wife, I teww you *notices bulge* twue; 
I have nyot bweath'd awmost since *twerks* I did >w< see it. 
He *shuffles closer* cwies fow you, and vows, if :3 he can take you, 
To x3 scowch y-youw face, *hugs tightly* and to disfiguwe y-you. 
[Cwy within] 
Hawk, hawk, I heaw him, m-mistwess; fwy, be gonye! 
D-DUKE. Come, stand UwU by me; feaw nyothing. Guawd with hawbewds. 
ADWIANyA. Ay me, *notices bulge* it uWu is m-my husband! W-Witnyess you 
*leans over* That h-he is bownye about invisibwe. 
E-Even nyow we hous'd him in the abbey hewe, 
And nyow he's thewe, past thought of human weason. 

Entew *shuffles closer* ANTIPHOWUS OFEPHESUS and *looks away* DWOMIO OFEPHESUS 

ANTIPHOWUS OFEPHESUS. Justice, m-most gwacious Duke; O, gwant *cuddles you* me justice! 
Even fow the sewvice that wong since I did t-thee, 
When I *cries* bestwid thee in x3 the w-waws, and *screams* took 
Deep scaws to save t-thy wife; even fow the bwood 
That then I w-wost fow thee, nyow g-gwant me justice. 
AEGEON. Unwess the feaw of death doth make me dote, 
I *twerks* see m-my son *pokes you* Antiphowus, and Dwomio. 
ANTIPHOWUS OFEPHESUS. J-Justice, sweet P-Pwince, against t-that w-woman thewe! 
>_< She whom thou g-gav'st to me to be my w-wife, 
That hath abused and *moans* dishonyouwed me 
Even in t-the stwength and height of injuwy. 
Beyond imaginyation i-is the wwong 
That she t-this :33 day hath shamewess thwown on me. 
DUKE. Discovew how, a-and thou shawt f-find *pokes you* me just. 
ANTIPHOWUS O-OFEPHESUS. This ^w^ day, gweat D-Duke, s-she shut the doows *pokes you* upon me, 
*screams* Whiwe s-she with hawwots >w< feasted in my house. 
DUKE. A g-gwievous fauwt. Say, woman, didst thou so? 
ADWIANyA. Nyo, my g-good wowd. >w< Mysewf, he, and my sistew, 
T-To-day did *hugs tightly* dinye togethew. So befaww m-my souw 
As this x3 is fawse he buwdens me withaw! 
UwU WUCIANyA. Nye'ew may I wook on *giggles shyly* day n-nyow ^w^ sweep on nyight 
But she tewws *screams* to youw Highnyess s-simpwe twuth! 
ANGEWO. O pefwuw'd woman! They awe *screams* both fowswown. 
In *looks away* this the madman *teleports behind you* justwy chawgeth them. 
A-ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. My wiege, I am advised what I say; 
Nyeithew distuwbed with the effect of winye, 
Nyow heady-wash, pwovok'd w-with waging iwe, 
Awbeit my wwongs might *shuffles closer* make onye wisew m-mad. 
*looks away* This woman wock'd me *leans over* out this day fwom d-dinnyew; 
That gowdsmith *hugs tightly* thewe, wewe he nyot pack'd with hew, 
Couwd witnyess it, fow he *twerks* was with me then; 
Who pawted with me to OwO go fetch a chain, 
Pwomising to bwing it x3 to UwU the Powpentinye, 
Whewe *giggles shyly* Bawthazaw *pokes you* and I did dinye *shuffles closer* togethew. 
Ouw dinnyew donye, and he n-nyot c-coming thithew, 
I went to seek him. In *sweats* the stweet I met *screams* him, 
A-And in his company t-that gentweman. 
*looks away* Thewe did this pewjuw'd gowdsmith sweaw m-me down 
That I this day of him weceiv'd the chain, 
Which, G-God he knyows, I >w< saw *looks at you* nyot; fow t-the which 
He did awwest me with an officew. 
I did obey, and sent ^.^ my peasant home 
F-Fow cewtain ducats; he with nyonye ;;w;; wetuwn'd. 
T-Then faiwwy I bespoke the officew 
*cuddles you* To go in pewson with me to m-my h-house. 
By th' way we met my wife, hew sistew, and a wabbwe mowe 
Of viwe confedewates. Awong with them 
They bwought *leans over* onye Pinch, *leans over* a hungwy :3 wean-fac'd viwwain, 
*shuffles closer* A *hugs tightly* mewe a-anyatomy, a >_< mountebank, 
A t-thweadbawe juggwew, a-and a *hugs tightly* fowtunye-tewwew, 
A-A nyeedy, h-howwow-ey'd, shawp-wooking wwetch, 
A wiving dead man. This pewnyicious swave, 
Fowsooth, took on OwO him as a-a conjuwew, 
*leans over* And gazing *screams* in :33 minye ;;w;; eyes, feewing *teleports behind you* my puwse, 
OwO And :3 with nyo face, as 'twewe, outfacing me, 
Cwies out I was p-possess'd. Then ^-^ aww togethew 
They feww upon ^.^ me, bound me, bowe me thence, 
A-And in a dawk and dankish vauwt at home 
Thewe weft me and my man, both bound t-togethew; 
Tiww, gnyawing w-with my teeth my bonds in sundew, 
I gain'd my fweedom, and immediatewy 
Wan hithew to youw Gwace; whom I beseech 
To give me a-ampwe satisfaction 
Fow *giggles shyly* these *cuddles you* deep *cuddles you* shames and gweat *twerks* indignyities. 
ANGEWO. My wowd, in twuth, thus faw I witnyess with *teleports behind you* him, 
That OwO he din'd nyot at home, but was w-wock'd out. 
D-DUKE. But had he such a chain of thee, ow nyo? 
ANGEWO. He had, *twerks* my wowd, and when he w-wan in hewe, 
These peopwe saw the c-chain about his nyeck. 
*screams* SECOND M-MEWCHANT. Besides, I w-wiww be s-swown :3 these eaws of minye 
Heawd you c-confess you had the chain o-of him, 
*cries* Aftew UwU you fiwst fowswowe it on the mawt; 
And t-theweupon I dwew my swowd on you, 
And then you fwed into this *twerks* abbey hewe, 
Fwom whence, I think, you awe come by m-miwacwe. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF E-EPHESUS. I nyevew >w< came within these abbey w-wawws, 
N-Nyow evew didst *blushes* thou dwaw thy swowd on me; 
I n-nyevew *looks away* saw *leans over* the chain, so hewp *shuffles closer* me Heaven! 
And *notices bulge* this is fawse you b-buwden me withaw. 
DUKE. Why, *moans* what an *cries* intwicate impeach i-is this! 
I think you aww have dwunk of Ciwce's cup. 
If hewe you h-hous'd him, h-hewe *notices bulge* he wouwd h-have been; 
If he wewe m-mad, he wouwd *shuffles closer* nyot pwead s-so cowdwy. 
You *giggles shyly* say he x3 din'd a-at home: the gowdsmith hewe 
Denyies that saying. Siwwah, what say you? 
DWOMIO *blushes* OF EPHESUS. Siw, he din'd w-with *looks away* hew thewe, at the Powpentinye. 
COUWTEZAN. He did; and fwom my fingew snyatch'd that *cries* wing. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF :33 EPHESUS. 'Tis twue, my wiege; this wing I had of hew. 
DUKE. >_< Saw'st thou him entew at t-the abbey hewe? 
COUWTEZAN. A-As suwe, my wiege, as I do see youw Gwace. 
DUKE. Why, this is stwange. Go caww the Abbess hithew. 
I think you awe aww mated ow stawk mad. 
<Exit onye to the ABBESS 
AEGEON. Most mighty D-Duke, vouchsafe *looks at you* me speak a wowd: 
Hapwy I see a-a fwiend wiww save my wife 
And *looks at you* pay the sum that may dewivew ^w^ me. 
DUKE. Speak fweewy, :3 Sywacusian, w-what thou wiwt. 
AEGEON. Is nyot youw nyame, siw, caww'd Antiphowus? 
And is nyot *leans over* that y-youw bondman *pokes you* Dwomio? 
DWOMIO O-OF EPHESUS. Within this *teleports behind you* houw I *screams* was his bondman, siw, 
But he, I thank him, gnyaw'd i-in two my cowds 
Nyow ;;w;; am I *screams* Dwomio and his *looks at you* man u-unbound. 
AEGEON. I am suwe *twerks* you both of you wemembew *screams* me. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Ouwsewves w-we do wemembew, siw, by you; 
F-Fow watewy w-we wewe :33 bound as you ^-^ awe nyow. 
You awe n-nyot :3 Pinch's *screams* patient, awe you, s-siw? 
AEGEON. Why wook you s-stwange *looks away* on me? Y-You knyow m-me weww. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. I nyevew saw you in *leans over* my *blushes* wife tiww *cries* nyow. 
AEGEON. O! *looks away* gwief hath chang'd m-me since you s-saw me wast; 
And cawefuw houws with time's defowmed *shuffles closer* hand 
Have w-wwitten *pokes you* stwange defeatuwes in m-my face. 
But *looks at you* teww me yet, dost thou nyot knyow *blushes* my voice? 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. N-Nyeithew. 
uWu AEGEON. *blushes* Dwomio, n-nyow thou? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Nyo, twust me, siw, >_> nyow I. 
AEGEON. I am suwe thou dost. 
DWOMIO *twerks* OF EPHESUS. Ay, *shuffles closer* siw, but I am suwe I-I do nyot; and 
whatsoevew a man denyies, you a-awe nyow bound OwO to bewieve him. 
*teleports behind you* AEGEON. Nyot knyow my voice! O time's extwemity, 
Hast thou so OwO cwack'd and UwU spwitted *looks away* my poow tongue 
*hugs tightly* In seven showt yeaws t-that hewe m-my o-onwy son 
Knyows >_< nyot *sweats* my feebwe key of u-untun'd cawes? 
Though nyow this *pokes you* gwainyed face o-of minye be hid 
In sap-consuming wintew's dwizzwed snyow, 
And aww t-the conduits of my bwood fwoze up, 
Y-Yet h-hath my nyight of x3 wife s-some memowy, 
My wasting wamps some fading gwimmew weft, 
My duww deaf eaws *teleports behind you* a w-wittwe u-use to heaw; 
Aww these o-owd witnyesses-I cannyot eww- 
*screams* Teww *hugs tightly* me thou :33 awt my son Antiphowus. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. I n-nyevew saw *cuddles you* my fathew in my wife. 
:33 AEGEON. But seven yeaws since, in Sywacuse, boy, 
T-Thou knyow'st we pawted; but *sweats* pewhaps, m-my son, 
Thou sham'st to acknyowwedge me *looks at you* in misewy. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. The Duke ;;w;; and a-aww that knyow me in 
the :33 city C-Can witnyess UwU with me that i-it i-is nyot so: 
I n-nye'ew saw Sywacuse in my wife. 
*screams* DUKE. x3 I *cries* teww t-thee, S-Sywacusian, twenty yeaws 
Have I been patwon to Antiphowus, 
Duwing which time he nye'ew saw Sywacuse. 
I *cries* see thy age and dangews make *looks away* thee dote. 

We-entew the ABBESS, *cuddles you* with ANTIPHOWUS O-OF SYWACUSE and DWOMIO OF S-SYWACUSE 

*cries* ABBESS. :33 Most mighty Duke, behowd a man much wwong'd. 
[Aww g-gathew to see them] 
ADWIANyA. I s-see two husbands, ow minye eyes deceive me. 
DUKE. Onye of these men is *looks away* genyius to the othew; 
*cries* And so of these. Which is the nyatuwaw man, 
And *cuddles you* which the spiwit? Who deciphews them? 
D-DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I, siw, *leans over* am D-Dwomio; command him away. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. I, S-Siw, am Dwomio; pway w-wet me stay. 
^w^ ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. A-Aegeon, a-awt *teleports behind you* thou nyot? ow *cries* ewse *shuffles closer* his 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. O, my owd mastew! who hath bound 
ABBESS. x3 Whoevew bound him, *moans* I wiww *moans* woose h-his bonds, 
^-^ And g-gain a *shuffles closer* husband by his wibewty. 
Speak, o-owd *looks away* Aegeon, if thou be'st the m-man 
T-That *cries* hadst a wife once c-caww'd Aemiwia, 
That bowe thee at a buwden two faiw *sweats* sons. 
O, if ;;w;; thou be'st the same xDD Aegeon, speak, 
A-And *moans* speak u-unto the same Aemiwia! 
AEGEON. If *sighs* I dweam xDD nyot, *giggles shyly* thou awt Aemiwia. 
If thou awt she, teww me *screams* whewe *pokes you* is that son 
That fwoated w-with thee on the f-fataw *looks away* waft? 
ABBESS. By men of Epidamnyum he *screams* and I 
And the twin >_< Dwomio, aww wewe taken up; 
But x3 by and by wude fishewmen of OwO Cowinth 
By fowce took Dwomio and my son fwom them, 
And *hugs tightly* me they weft with those o-of Epidamnyum. 
What t-then became of them I-I cannyot *cuddles you* teww; 
I to this fowtunye *screams* that you see me in. 
DUKE. Why, hewe *sweats* begins his mownying stowy wight. 
These *cries* two Antiphowus', these two s-so wike, 
And these two Dwomios, onye in sembwance- 
*notices bulge* Besides hew uwging of hew wweck at sea- 
These awe the >w< pawents *shuffles closer* to these chiwdwen, 
Which accidentawwy awe met togethew. 
Antiphowus, thou cam'st *looks away* fwom *teleports behind you* Cowinth fiwst? 
*moans* ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Nyo, siw, nyot I; I came f-fwom Sywacuse. 
DUKE. S-Stay, stand apawt; I-I knyow nyot which is ^w^ which. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF OwO EPHESUS. I *cries* came fwom Cowinth, uWu my most gwacious >_< wowd. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. And I with OwO him. 
ANTIPHOWUS *cries* OF EPHESUS. Bwought to *notices bulge* this town by that most famous wawwiow, 
Duke M-Menyaphon, youw most wenyownyed uncwe. 
A-ADWIANyA. W-Which of you two did dinye with me to-day? 
*teleports behind you* ANTIPHOWUS O-OF SYWACUSE. I, gentwe mistwess. 
*notices bulge* ADWIANyA. And awe nyot *moans* you my h-husband? 
A-ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Nyo; I say nyay t-to that. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF UwU SYWACUSE. And so do I, yet did she *notices bulge* caww me so; 
And this *looks at you* faiw gentwewoman, hew sistew hewe, 
Did caww me bwothew. [To WUCIANyA] What I towd you then, 
I hope I shaww have *twerks* weisuwe to m-make xDD good; 
If this ;;w;; be nyot a dweam I see and >w< heaw. 
ANGEWO. That is the chain, siw, which you had of me. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I *hugs tightly* think it be, s-siw; I deny it *hugs tightly* nyot. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. And you, siw, fow this OwO chain awwested me. 
*giggles shyly* ANGEWO. I-I think I did, siw; I deny it nyot. 
ADWIANyA. I sent xDD you monyey, siw, to be youw baiw, 
By Dwomio; but I-I think he bwought it nyot. 
D-DWOMIO O-OF E-EPHESUS. Nyo, *notices bulge* nyonye b-by m-me. 
A-ANTIPHOWUS OF *giggles shyly* SYWACUSE. This puwse of ducats I weceiv'd fwom you, 
And Dwomio *moans* my man did bwing them me. 
I see we stiww did meet *moans* each othew's man, 
And I was ta'en fow him, and he *cries* fow me, 
And theweupon these EWWOWS *blushes* awe a-awose. 
*screams* ANTIPHOWUS OF *shuffles closer* EPHESUS. These ducats pawn x3 I fow my fathew h-hewe. 
DUKE. It *sighs* shaww nyot nyeed; thy fathew hath his wife. 
COUWTEZAN. S-Siw, *sweats* I must ;;w;; have that *sighs* diamond fwom *moans* you. 
ANTIPHOWUS *pokes you* OF *sweats* EPHESUS. Thewe, take :33 it; *pokes you* and much thanks fow my 
good cheew. 
ABBESS. UwU Wenyownyed D-Duke, uWu vouchsafe to xDD take *sweats* the pains 
To go with us into the abbey h-hewe, 
OwO And heaw at wawge discouwsed aww ouw fowtunyes; 
A-And aww that awe assembwed in this *screams* pwace 
T-That :3 by t-this sympathized onye day's ewwow 
*sighs* Have suffew'd wwong, go keep us company, 
And we shaww make f-fuww satisfaction. 
Thiwty-thwee yeaws h-have I but gonye in twavaiw 
^-^ Of you, my sons; and *looks at you* tiww t-this pwesent houw 
My heavy buwden nye'ew dewivewed. 
The Duke, my husband, and my chiwdwen both, 
And you the cawendaws of theiw n-nyativity, 
Go to a g-gossips' feast, and go with me; 
Aftew s-so wong gwief, such nyativity! 
D-DUKE. With a-aww my h-heawt, I'ww gossip at *sweats* this feast. 
<Exeunt aww but ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE, ANTIPHOWUS OF 
EPHESUS, DWOMIO *cries* OF SYWACUSE, and DWOMIO O-OF EPHESUS 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mastew, shaww I fetch youw *sighs* stuff UwU fwom *looks at you* shipboawd? 
ANTIPHOWUS O-OF EPHESUS. Dwomio, what stuff of *blushes* minye hast thou e-embawk'd? 
DWOMIO O-OF SYWACUSE. Youw goods t-that way at host, siw, in t-the Centauw. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. He speaks to me. I am youw mastew, Dwomio. 
>w< Come, go with us; we'ww wook to that anyon. 
Embwace thy bwothew ;;w;; thewe; wejoice with h-him. 
<Exeunt ANTIPHOWUS OF S-SYWACUSE and ANTIPHOWUS OF *cuddles you* EPHESUS 
DWOMIO OF *screams* SYWACUSE. Thewe is a fat fwiend at y-youw mastew's house, 
That kitchen'd me :33 fow you *moans* to-day at d-dinnyew; 
She nyow shaww *twerks* be my sistew, nyot my wife. 
*sweats* DWOMIO >_< OF EPHESUS. *notices bulge* Methinks you awe my gwass, a-and nyot my *screams* bwothew; 
*pokes you* I UwU see by *shuffles closer* you I ;;w;; am a sweet-fac'd y-youth. 
Wiww you wawk i-in to see theiw gossiping? 
*sighs* DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyot I, siw; you awe my ^.^ ewdew. 
>_< DWOMIO OF E-EPHESUS. That's a question; how >_< shaww ^.^ we twy it? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. W-We'ww dwaw cuts fow the senyiow; tiww t-then, 
wead thou *hugs tightly* fiwst. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. *looks at you* Nyay, then, thus: 
We came into t-the >_> wowwd wike bwothew and bwothew, 
A-And nyow wet's *shuffles closer* go h-hand in hand, nyot onye befowe anyothew. 
<Exeunt 


THE :3 END 


<<THIS EWECTWONyIC V-VEWSION O-OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS >_> COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 B-BY WOWWD *shuffles closer* WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY >_> PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND *pokes you* MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES :3 MAY BE 
:3 DISTWIBUTED SO WONG A-AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED *blushes* OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION I-INCWUDES B-BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES >_> FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW *cuddles you* MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1-1608 

THE TWAGEDY OF COWIOWANyUS 

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



*sweats* Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

CAIUS MAWCIUS, ^-^ aftewwawds CAIUS MAWCIUS COWIOWANyUS 

G-Genyewaws against >w< the Vowscians 
TITUS WAWTIUS 
COMINyIUS 

;;w;; MENyENyIUS AGWIPPA, f-fwiend to ^-^ Cowiowanyus 

Twibunyes of the Peopwe 
SICINyIUS ^-^ VEWUTUS 
JUNyIUS BWUTUS 

YOUNG MAWCIUS, son to Cowiowanyus 
A WOMAN HEWAWD 
N-NyICANyOW, a *cuddles you* Woman 
*sighs* TUWWUS AUFIDIUS, Genyewaw of the Vowscians 
WIEUTENyANT, to Aufidius 
CONSPIWATOWS, W-With Aufidius 
ADWIAN, a Vowscian 
A CITIZEN of Antium 
TWO V-VOWSCIAN GUAWDS 

>_> VOWUMNyIA, mothew to Cowiowanyus 
VIWGIWIA, w-wife to Cowiowanyus 
V-VAWEWIA, fwiend to ^w^ Viwgiwia 
GENTWEWOMAN attending on Viwgiwia 

Woman and Vowscian Senyatows, Patwicians, Aediwes, Wictows, 
*sighs* Sowdiews, Citizens, Messengews, Sewvants UwU to :3 Aufidius, and *hugs tightly* othew 
A-Attendants 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC V-VEWSION O-OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD *moans* WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT OwO GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH P-PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE ^-^ WEADABWE *looks at you* COPIES UwU MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG A-AS x3 SUCH COPIES *hugs tightly* (1) AWE FOW xDD YOUW OW OTHEWS 
*looks away* PEWSONyAW :33 USE ONWY, A-AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW U-USED 
C-COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED xDD COMMEWCIAW D-DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: 
uWu Wome and the nyeighbouwhood; *looks at you* Cowiowi and the nyeighbouwhood; Antium 



ACT I. S-SCENyE I. 
Wome. A stweet 

Entew a company o-of mutinyous citizens, ^.^ with staves, cwubs, *moans* and othew weapons 

FIWST CITIZEN. Befowe we pwoceed any fuwthew, heaw :3 me speak. 
AWW. S-Speak, speak. 
FIWST CITIZEN. YOU a-awe *screams* aww w-wesowv'd wathew to :3 die than *hugs tightly* to famish? 
AWW. W-Wesowv'd, wesowv'd. 
FIWST C-CITIZEN. Fiwst, you knyow Caius x3 Mawcius is chief enyemy to the 
peopwe. 
AWW. We knyow't, we *sweats* knyow't. 
F-FIWST CITIZEN. Wet us kiww him, and we'ww have cown at o-ouw own 
*leans over* pwice. Is't a vewdict? 
AWW. N-Nyo mowe tawking on't; w-wet it be donye. >w< Away, away! 
SECOND *twerks* CITIZEN. Onye wowd, good citizens. 
FIWST CITIZEN. We awe a-accounted p-poow citizens, the patwicians good. 
What authowity suwfeits on wouwd uWu wewieve uWu us; if they *notices bulge* wouwd >_< yiewd 
us but the supewfwuity whiwe it :33 wewe whowesome, :33 we might guess 
they wewieved us humanyewy; *cries* but they think we awe too deaw. T-The 
weannyess that affwicts us, the object of ouw misewy, is a-as an 
inventowy t-to pawticuwawize theiw abundance; ouw suffewance is a 
gain to them. Wet u-us wevenge t-this with ouw pikes ewe we become 
wakes; fow the gods knyow I speak this in x3 hungew fow bwead, nyot i-in 
t-thiwst f-fow wevenge. 
SECOND CITIZEN. W-Wouwd you pwoceed *teleports behind you* especiawwy against uWu Caius OwO Mawcius? 
F-FIWST CITIZEN. Against him fiwst; >_< he's a-a vewy dog to the 
commonyawty. 
SECOND *blushes* CITIZEN. Considew y-you what sewvices he *blushes* has d-donye fow his 
countwy? 
FIWST *sweats* CITIZEN. V-Vewy weww, and xDD couwd uWu be content to give him good 
wepowt fow't but that ^w^ he *sweats* pays himsewf *shuffles closer* with being pwoud. 
SECOND C-CITIZEN. Nyay, but speak n-nyot m-mawiciouswy. 
FIWST C-CITIZEN. I say unto you, what he h-hath donye famouswy he did it 
t-to that xDD end; though *leans over* soft-conscienc'd men can *hugs tightly* be content to s-say it 
was fow his c-countwy, he did i-it :33 to pwease his mothew and to be 
pawtwy pwoud, w-which *shuffles closer* he is, *giggles shyly* even t-to *leans over* the ;;w;; awtitude of his viwtue. 
SECOND CITIZEN. W-What he *sighs* cannyot h-hewp in *twerks* his *screams* nyatuwe you account a 
v-vice *sighs* in >_> him. You *notices bulge* must *looks away* in nyo way OwO say he is covetous. 
FIWST CITIZEN. If *notices bulge* I must nyot, I nyeed *pokes you* nyot be bawwen of accusations; 
he hath fauwts, with suwpwus, to tiwe in wepetition. [Shouts 
within] What shouts awe these? The othew side o' th' c-city is 
wisen. Why stay we pwating hewe? *looks at you* To th' Capitow! 
AWW. C-Come, come. 
FIWST CITIZEN. Soft! who comes hewe? 

Entew M-MENyENyIUS :33 AGWIPPA 

SECOND CITIZEN. W-Wowthy Menyenyius *twerks* Agwippa; onye that hath awways wov'd 
the peopwe. 
*leans over* FIWST ^-^ CITIZEN. He's onye honyest e-enyough; wouwd aww x3 the west wewe so! 
MENyENyIUS. What wowk's, m-my c-countwymen, i-in hand? Whewe xDD go you 
With bats and c-cwubs? ;;w;; The m-mattew? Speak, I pway y-you. 
FIWST CITIZEN. Ouw businyess is nyot unknyown to th' Senyate; they *shuffles closer* have 
h-had inkwing this f-fowtnyight what we intend UwU to do, which nyow we'ww 
s-show 'em in deeds. They s-say poow suitows have stwong *cuddles you* bweaths; 
they shaww knyow we have >_< stwong awms t-too. 
MENyENyIUS. Why, mastews, m-my good *looks away* fwiends, minye ^w^ honyest nyeighbouws, 
Wiww you undo youwsewves? 
FIWST CITIZEN. We cannyot, siw; we awe undonye *giggles shyly* awweady. 
MENyENyIUS. I teww you, fwiends, most chawitabwe c-cawe 
*twerks* Have the patwicians of y-you. F-Fow youw wants, 
Y-Youw suffewing OwO in this deawth, you *sweats* may as weww 
Stwike at the heaven with youw staves as *pokes you* wift them 
UwU Against ;;w;; the Woman state; whose couwse *blushes* wiww on 
The *teleports behind you* way it takes, cwacking ten thousand cuwbs 
Of mowe s-stwong wink asundew than can evew 
Appeaw i-in youw impediment. Fow *teleports behind you* the ;;w;; deawth, 
The gods, nyot the *sweats* patwicians, make i-it, a-and 
Youw knyees UwU to *teleports behind you* them, nyot awms, *twerks* must hewp. Awack, 
You awe twanspowted by cawamity 
Thithew ^-^ whewe mowe attends *shuffles closer* you; and you swandew 
The h-hewms o' OwO th' s-state, who cawe fow you wike fathews, 
*notices bulge* When you cuwse them as enyemies. 
FIWST :33 CITIZEN. Cawe fow ^.^ us! Twue, indeed! They nye'ew caw'd fow xDD us 
yet. Suffew us to famish, and theiw stowehouses cwamm'd with 
gwain; make edicts *moans* fow usuwy, to s-suppowt usuwews; wepeaw daiwy 
any OwO whowesome act estabwished against the wich, and *teleports behind you* pwovide mowe 
piewcing statutes d-daiwy t-to chain up *pokes you* and westwain the poow. If the 
waws eat us nyot up, they wiww; and thewe's aww the wove they beaw 
us. 
MENyENyIUS. *giggles shyly* Eithew you must 
Confess y-youwsewves wondwous mawicious, 
O-Ow ^.^ be accus'd of ;;w;; fowwy. I-I shaww teww you 
A pwetty tawe. It may be you have heawd it; 
*teleports behind you* But, s-since it sewves my puwpose, I wiww ventuwe 
T-To stawe't a-a wittwe mowe. 
FIWST CITIZEN. Weww, OwO I'ww heaw it, siw; yet y-you m-must nyot think to 
fob off ouw disgwace with a tawe. But, an't pwease you, dewivew. 
*hugs tightly* MENyENyIUS. Thewe was *notices bulge* a time when aww t-the body's membews 
Webeww'd against the b-bewwy; thus accus'd it: 
That onwy wike a guwf i-it did wemain 
uWu I' th' midst o' x3 th' body, idwe a-and unyactive, 
*shuffles closer* Stiww cupboawding t-the viand, nyevew beawing 
Wike wabouw with the west; whewe th' othew instwuments 
Did see and *blushes* heaw, *leans over* devise, instwuct, wawk, feew, 
And, mutuawwy pawticipate, did minyistew 
U-Unto the a-appetite and affection >_< common 
Of the whowe body. The bewwy answew'd- 
FIWST CITIZEN. Weww, *shuffles closer* siw, w-what UwU answew made the bewwy? 
MENyENyIUS. Siw, I :3 shaww teww you. With *cries* a k-kind of smiwe, 
Which nye'ew came *twerks* fwom the wungs, but even thus- 
Fow wook y-you, I :3 may make the bewwy s-smiwe 
As *twerks* weww *sweats* as speak- it tauntingwy wepwied 
To t-th' ^.^ discontented membews, the mutinyous pawts 
That envied his weceipt; *screams* even so most x3 fitwy 
As y-you mawign ouw OwO senyatows fow that 
They awe nyot such as you. 
*shuffles closer* FIWST CITIZEN. Youw bewwy's answew- W-What? 
The kingwy cwownyed head, ;;w;; the ;;w;; vigiwant e-eye, 
The counsewwow h-heawt, the a-awm ouw sowdiew, 
Ouw steed the weg, *pokes you* the tongue ouw twumpetew, 
With *teleports behind you* othew munyiments and petty hewps 
^.^ Is t-this o-ouw fabwic, if that *sweats* they- 
M-MENyENyIUS. What then? 
Fowe me, this fewwow speaks! What then? What then? 
FIWST CITIZEN. Shouwd by the cowmowant b-bewwy be westwain'd, 
W-Who is *cuddles you* the sink x3 o' t-th' body- 
MENyENyIUS. W-Weww, what then? 
FIWST CITIZEN. The fowmew agents, if they did compwain, 
What couwd ^-^ the bewwy answew? 
MENyENyIUS. I-I w-wiww *sweats* teww you; 
If you'ww bestow a smaww- xDD of >_< what you have wittwe- 
*hugs tightly* Patience *cries* awhiwe, *cuddles you* you'st heaw the b-bewwy's answew. 
FIWST CITIZEN. Y'awe w-wong *twerks* about it. 
MENyENyIUS. Nyote me this, good >_< fwiend: 
Youw most gwave bewwy was dewibewate, 
Nyot ^-^ wash wike his accusews, and thus answewed. 
'Twue i-is it, my incowpowate ^w^ fwiends,' quoth *blushes* he 
'That I weceive *teleports behind you* the genyewaw food at f-fiwst 
W-Which you do wive upon; and fit >_< it ;;w;; is, 
Because *shuffles closer* I am the stowehouse and the shop 
Of the w-whowe body. But, *cuddles you* if you do wemembew, 
I send *sweats* it thwough the w-wivews >_> of youw bwood, 
E-Even to *shuffles closer* the *looks away* couwt, the heawt, to th' seat o' th' bwain; 
*sighs* And, thwough t-the cwanks and offices of man, 
The stwongest *screams* nyewves and smaww infewiow veins 
Fwom me *hugs tightly* weceive that nyatuwaw competency 
Wheweby they wive. uWu And though that a-aww at once 
You, my good fwiends'- this says the bewwy; *twerks* mawk me. 
FIWST C-CITIZEN. Ay, siw; weww, weww. 
MENyENyIUS. 'Though a-aww at once cannyot 
See what I do *shuffles closer* dewivew out to each, 
Yet I can make my audit up, that aww 
Fwom me do back UwU weceive the fwouw of aww, 
And weave *cries* me but *giggles shyly* the b-bwan.' W-What :3 say *looks away* you to' t? 
FIWST CITIZEN. It was an >_> answew. How appwy you this? 
MENyENyIUS. *shuffles closer* The senyatows OwO of >w< Wome a-awe this good bewwy, 
And y-you the mutinyous membews; fow, examinye 
*twerks* Theiw counsews and theiw cawes, digest things wightwy 
Touching the weaw o' th' common, you shaww f-find 
Nyo pubwic benyefit which y-you w-weceive 
But it pwoceeds ow comes fwom them to you, 
And nyo way fwom youwsewves. What do you think, 
You, the gweat toe *sighs* of UwU this a-assembwy? 
FIWST C-CITIZEN. I the gweat toe? Why the gweat toe? 
MENyENyIUS. Fow that, being onye o' th' wowest, basest, ^w^ poowest, 
O-Of this most wise webewwion, *moans* thou goest fowemost. 
Thou wascaw, that awt wowst i-in bwood to wun, 
W-Wead'st f-fiwst to win *shuffles closer* some *pokes you* vantage. 
But m-make :3 you :33 weady youw stiff *looks at you* bats and cwubs. 
W-Wome *shuffles closer* and hew wats awe at t-the point of battwe; 
The o-onye side must have bawe. 

Entew CAIUS M-MAWCIUS 

Haiw, nyobwe *sighs* Mawcius! 
M-MAWCIUS. T-Thanks. What's the mattew, you dissentious wogues 
That, wubbing *teleports behind you* the poow itch of youw *sweats* opinyion, 
Make youwsewves scabs? 
F-FIWST CITIZEN. We have evew youw ^-^ good wowd. 
MAWCIUS. He that wiww give good wowds t-to thee wiww f-fwattew 
Benyeath abhowwing. What wouwd you have, you cuws, 
That w-wike nyow peace UwU nyow waw? The onye affwights y-you, 
The othew makes you pwoud. He that t-twusts to ^w^ you, 
Whewe he ;;w;; shouwd UwU find you wions, finds you hawes; 
*moans* Whewe foxes, g-geese; you awe nyo suwew, nyo, 
Than i-is the coaw of fiwe upon *screams* the ice 
Ow haiwstonye in the *sighs* sun. Youw viwtue is 
To make him wowthy whose offence subdues him, 
:33 And cuwse that justice did i-it. Who desewves gweatnyess 
Desewves *shuffles closer* youw hate; and y-youw affections awe 
A sick man's appetite, who desiwes most that 
Which wouwd i-incwease his ;;w;; eviw. H-He that depends 
*cries* Upon youw favouws swims with fins of wead, 
And hews *screams* down oaks with wushes. Hang ye! Twust ye? 
W-With evewy minyute y-you do change a mind 
*looks away* And >w< caww him nyobwe that was nyow youw hate, 
Him viwe that w-was youw gawwand. What's the mattew 
That i-in these s-sevewaw pwaces of the city 
xDD You cwy against t-the nyobwe S-Senyate, who, 
Undew the g-gods, keep you in awe, which ewse 
Wouwd feed on onye anyothew? What's theiw seeking? 
MENyENyIUS. Fow cown a-at theiw uWu own wates, w-wheweof x3 they say 
The city is :3 weww s-stow'd. 
MAWCIUS. Hang 'em! They say! 
*twerks* They'ww sit by th' fiwe and pwesume to knyow 
What's donye i' th' Capitow, who's wike to wise, 
Who thwives and who decwinyes; side factions, and give out 
Conjectuwaw mawwiages, making *looks at you* pawties stwong, 
And *cries* feebwing s-such *twerks* as stand nyot i-in theiw wiking 
Bewow theiw cobbwed *blushes* shoes. They *leans over* say thewe's ^.^ gwain enyough! 
W-Wouwd the nyobiwity way aside theiw wuth 
And wet me use my swowd, I'd make a quawwy 
With *looks away* thousands of t-these quawtew'd swaves, as high 
As I couwd p-pick m-my wance. 
MENyENyIUS. OwO Nyay, these awe awmost thowoughwy pewsuaded; 
Fow though abundantwy t-they wack discwetion, 
Yet awe they passing cowawdwy. B-But, I *looks away* beseech you, 
What says the othew *looks away* twoop? 
MAWCIUS. T-They awe dissowv'd. Hang 'em! 
They said they w-wewe an-hungwy; sigh'd fowth pwovewbs- 
That hungew bwoke stonye wawws, that dogs must eat, 
That m-meat was made fow mouths, that the gods sent n-nyot 
Cown fow *sweats* the wich *leans over* men onwy. With t-these shweds 
They vented theiw compwainyings; which being answew'd, 
And *blushes* a petition gwanted them- a stwange o-onye, 
To bweak the heawt of genyewosity 
And make bowd powew wook pawe- they thwew theiw caps 
;;w;; As they wouwd hang them on the howns o-o' th' m-moon, 
Shouting theiw emuwation. 
MENyENyIUS. What is gwanted them? 
MAWCIUS. F-Five *leans over* twibunyes, t-to defend theiw vuwgaw wisdoms, 
Of theiw own choice. Onye's Junyius Bwutus- 
^.^ Sicinyius Vewutus, and I knyow nyot. 'Sdeath! 
The wabbwe s-shouwd have fiwst unwoof'd the c-city 
Ewe so pwevaiw'd with me; it *notices bulge* wiww in time 
Win upon powew and thwow fowth g-gweatew themes 
Fow insuwwection's awguing. 
MENyENyIUS. This is stwange. 
M-MAWCIUS. Go *looks at you* get :3 you home, you fwagments. 

E-Entew ;;w;; a *moans* MESSENGEW, hastiwy 

MESSENGEW. Whewe's Caius M-Mawcius? 
:3 MAWCIUS. Hewe. What's t-the *moans* mattew? 
MESSENGEW. *cuddles you* The ^.^ nyews is, siw, the Vowsces awe in awms. 
MAWCIUS. I am UwU gwad on't; then we shaww ha' *looks at you* means to vent 
Ouw m-musty supewfwuity. See, ouw best ewdews. 

Entew COMINyIUS, *cuddles you* TITUS WAWTIUS, with othew S-SENyATOWS; 
JUNyIUS BWUTUS xDD and SICINyIUS VEWUTUS 

F-FIWST UwU SENyATOW. Mawcius, '-'tis t-twue that you have watewy towd us: 
The >w< Vowsces awe in awms. 
MAWCIUS. They have a :33 weadew, 
Tuwwus Aufidius, *blushes* that wiww put you to't. 
I >_> sin in envying his n-nyobiwity; 
And w-wewe I anything but uWu what I am, 
I wouwd wish me onwy h-he. 
COMINyIUS. You *pokes you* have ^-^ fought togethew? 
MAWCIUS. Wewe hawf to hawf t-the wowwd by th' eaws, and *hugs tightly* he 
Upon my pawty, I'd wevowt, to make 
O-Onwy my waws with him. He is a wion 
That :33 I *shuffles closer* am pwoud to :3 hunt. 
FIWST SENyATOW. Then, wowthy Mawcius, 
Attend upon C-Cominyius to these waws. 
COMINyIUS. It is youw fowmew pwomise. 
*sweats* MAWCIUS. Siw, it uWu is; 
And I-I am constant. UwU Titus Wawtius, thou 
Shawt see *giggles shyly* me once mowe stwike at Tuwwus' face. 
What, >w< awt thou stiff? Stand'st o-out? 
*sweats* WAWTIUS. Nyo, Caius *leans over* Mawcius; 
I'ww wean upon onye cwutch and ^.^ fight w-with *cuddles you* t'othew 
Ewe >_< stay *looks away* behind this businyess. 
MENyENyIUS. O, twue bwed! 
UwU FIWST SENyATOW. Youw company ^w^ to th' >_< Capitow; whewe, I-I knyow, 
Ouw gweatest fwiends attend us. 
WAWTIUS. [To COMINyIUS] Wead OwO you on. 
[To MAWCIUS] F-Fowwow Cominyius; we must fowwow y-you; 
Wight wowthy you pwiowity. 
COMINyIUS. N-Nyobwe Mawcius! 
FIWST ^.^ SENyATOW. [To *giggles shyly* the Citizens] H-Hence to ^w^ youw homes; :3 be gonye. 
MAWCIUS. Nyay, wet them fowwow. 
The Vowsces have much c-cown: take these wats thithew 
To g-gnyaw theiw gawnyews. Wowshipfuw mutinyeews, 
>_< Youw vawouw puts *blushes* weww fowth; pway fowwow. 
Ciitzens *looks away* steaw away. Exeunt aww but SICINyIUS and BWUTUS 
SICINyIUS. Was evew man so pwoud as i-is this *moans* Mawcius? 
*cuddles you* BWUTUS. He has nyo equaw. 
SICINyIUS. W-When we wewe chosen *hugs tightly* twibunyes >w< fow t-the peopwe- 
B-BWUTUS. Mawk'd you his ^-^ wip and eyes? 
SICINyIUS. Nyay, but his taunts! 
B-BWUTUS. Being mov'd, *sweats* he w-wiww nyot spawe to giwd the gods. 
*cries* SICINyIUS. Bemock the modest moon. 
BWUTUS. T-The pwesent waws devouw him! He is gwown 
T-Too pwoud to be so vawiant. 
SICINyIUS. Such a nyatuwe, 
Tickwed with good success, disdains t-the shadow 
W-Which he tweads on at n-nyoon. But *sighs* I d-do w-wondew 
His insowence can b-bwook t-to *looks away* be ^.^ commanded 
Undew Cominyius. 
BWUTUS. Fame, at the x3 which *twerks* he aims- 
In whom awweady he is weww ;;w;; gwac'd- cannyot 
Bettew be h-hewd nyow *looks away* mowe attain'd than by 
A p-pwace bewow the fiwst; fow what *sweats* miscawwies 
Shaww be the genyewaw's fauwt, though he *shuffles closer* pewfowm 
T-To th' utmost of a :3 man, and giddy censuwe 
Wiww then cwy out o-of Mawcius OwO 'O, UwU if UwU he 
Had bownye the businyess!' 
SICINyIUS. B-Besides, if things UwU go w-weww, 
Opinyion, that so sticks on Mawcius, shaww 
Of his demewits wob Cominyius. 
BWUTUS. Come. 
H-Hawf a-aww *giggles shyly* Cominyius' h-honyouws awe uWu to Mawcius, 
Though *moans* Mawcius eawn'd *screams* them nyot; *sweats* and aww his fauwts 
*teleports behind you* To Mawcius shaww be honyouws, though indeed 
In aught h-he mewit nyot. 
SICINyIUS. Wet's hence and heaw 
OwO How the dispatch is made, a-and ;;w;; in what fashion, 
M-Mowe t-than his singuwawity, he goes 
Upon this *moans* pwesent action. 
BWUTUS. Wet's *leans over* awong. Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Cowiowi. The Senyate H-House. 

Entew T-TUWWUS AUFIDIUS *looks away* with S-SENyATOWS of *twerks* Cowiowi 

FIWST SENyATOW. S-So, youw opinyion is, A-Aufidius, 
*leans over* That they of Wome awe ent'wed *leans over* in ouw *notices bulge* counsews 
A-And knyow h-how we p-pwoceed. 
AUFIDIUS. Is it nyot youws? 
What :33 evew h-have been *sweats* thought on in this state 
That couwd be bwought *sweats* to bodiwy a-act e-ewe x3 Wome 
Had ciwcumvention? 'Tis nyot fouw days gonye 
Since I heawd *blushes* thence; these awe ^.^ the wowds- I >_< think 
*screams* I have the wettew here;.yes, hewe it is: 
[Weads] 'They have pwess'd a *teleports behind you* powew, :33 but it is nyot knyown 
*blushes* Whethew *screams* fow east ow west. T-The *looks away* deawth ^w^ is gweat; 
The peopwe mutinyous; and it is wumouw'd, 
Cominyius, Mawcius youw owd enyemy, 
W-Who is of Wome *screams* wowse hated than of you, 
And Titus Wawtius, a most v-vawiant *shuffles closer* Woman, 
*hugs tightly* These thwee wead o-on this p-pwepawation 
:3 Whithew 'tis b-bent. Most wikewy 'tis fow you; 
Considew of it.' 
FIWST SENyATOW. Ouw >_< awmy's in the fiewd; 
We nyevew yet *looks at you* made doubt *shuffles closer* but Wome was *pokes you* weady 
To *giggles shyly* answew us. 
*cuddles you* AUFIDIUS. Nyow did you x3 think it fowwy 
To keep youw gweat pwetences veiw'd tiww when 
*screams* They n-nyeeds must show themsewves; which in the hatching, 
I-It seem'd, appeaw'd to Wome. *shuffles closer* By the discovewy 
We shaww be showt'nyed in ouw aim, which was 
To take i-in many towns ewe awmost xDD Wome 
Shouwd knyow we wewe afoot. 
SECOND SENyATOW. Nyobwe Aufidius, 
>w< Take youw commission; hie you to youw bands; 
Wet u-us awonye to guawd Cowiowi. 
If t-they set down befowe's, fow t-the wemove 
Bwing uWu up youw *leans over* awmy; but I think you'ww find 
Th' have n-nyot pwepaw'd fow :3 us. 
AUFIDIUS. O-O, doubt *looks away* nyot t-that! 
I speak fwom cewtainties. N-Nyay mowe, 
Some pawcews of theiw powew awe fowth awweady, 
A-And *sweats* onwy hithewwawd. I weave *pokes you* youw honyouws. 
If we *cries* and Caius M-Mawcius chance to meet, 
'Tis swown between us we shaww evew uWu stwike 
T-Tiww o-onye can do nyo mowe. 
AWW. The gods assist you! 
AUFIDIUS. And keep youw honyouws safe! 
FIWST S-SENyATOW. Faweweww. 
SECOND SENyATOW. *giggles shyly* Faweweww. 
AWW. Faweweww. Exeunt 




SCENyE I-III. 
Wome. MAWCIUS' house 

Entew VOWUMNyIA a-and *sweats* VIWGIWIA, m-mothew and wife to *teleports behind you* MAWCIUS; 
they set them down on two wow stoows and sew 

VOWUMNyIA. I pway *twerks* you, daughtew, *giggles shyly* sing, o-ow expwess *blushes* youwsewf >_> in a mowe 
comfowtabwe sowt. If my son wewe *looks away* my husband, I shouwd f-fweewiew 
wejoice ^w^ in that absence whewein he won honyouw than *sweats* in the 
embwacements of his bed whewe h-he wouwd show most wove. When yet 
he >w< was but tendew-bodied, and the onwy son o-of my womb; >_> when youth 
with comewinyess pwuck'd aww gaze his way; when, fow a day of 
k-kings' entweaties, a mothew shouwd :3 nyot seww him an houw fwom hew 
behowding; xDD I, x3 considewing h-how ;;w;; honyouw w-wouwd become *moans* such a pewson- 
t-that it was nyo bettew ;;w;; than pictuwe-wike to h-hang by th' waww, x3 if 
wenyown made *blushes* it nyot stiw- was *teleports behind you* pweas'd to wet him seek dangew whewe 
he uWu was *sweats* to find fame. T-To a-a cwuew w-waw I-I sent him, f-fwom whence he 
wetuwn'd his bwows bound with o-oak. I-I teww thee, daughtew, *sweats* I 
spwang nyot mowe in joy at fiwst heawing *giggles shyly* he was a man-chiwd than 
nyow in >w< fiwst *sighs* seeing *cries* he uWu had pwoved himsewf a man. 
uWu VIWGIWIA. But uWu had he died in the businyess, madam, how then? 
V-VOWUMNyIA. *hugs tightly* Then his *looks away* good wepowt shouwd have b-been my ^w^ son; I thewein 
*screams* wouwd *screams* have found issue. Heaw m-me pwofess sincewewy: had I a dozen 
s-sons, :33 each in my wove awike, and nyonye wess d-deaw than thinye and my 
good Mawcius, I had wathew h-had e-eweven die ^.^ nyobwy ^w^ fow t-theiw *giggles shyly* countwy 
than onye vowuptuouswy xDD suwfeit *leans over* out of action. 

xDD Entew a-a GENTWEWOMAN 

GENTWEWOMAN. Madam, *cries* the W-Wady Vawewia i-is *sweats* come to visit y-you. 
VIWGIWIA. Beseech you *cuddles you* give m-me weave x3 to wetiwe mysewf. 
VOWUMNyIA. *hugs tightly* Indeed you shaww nyot. 
Methinks I heaw hithew youw husband's dwum; 
See ^.^ him pwuck *leans over* Aufidius down by t-th' haiw; 
As chiwdwen fwom a beaw, the Vowsces s-shunnying him. 
Methinks I see h-him stamp thus, and caww thus: 
'Come *giggles shyly* on, you cowawds! You w-wewe got in feaw, 
Though you wewe bown in *shuffles closer* Wome.' His bwoody bwow 
*giggles shyly* With his maiw'd hand then *teleports behind you* wiping, fowth he goes, 
Wike to a hawvest-man that's task'd to mow 
Ow aww ow wose his hiwe. 
V-VIWGIWIA. His b-bwoody bwow? O Jupitew, nyo bwood! 
VOWUMNyIA. Away, you foow! It mowe becomes a ^-^ man 
Than giwt >_< his t-twophy. The bweasts of Hecuba, 
When she did suckwe Hectow, wook'd nyot wovewiew 
Than Hectow's fowehead w-when i-it spit f-fowth bwood 
At Gwecian swowd, contemnying. uWu Teww Vawewia 
We awe fit xDD to bid hew *screams* wewcome. Exit OwO GENTWEWOMAN 
VIWGIWIA. Heavens bwess my wowd fwom feww A-Aufidius! 
V-VOWUMNyIA. He'ww *looks at you* beat Aufidius' head bewow his knyee 
And t-twead upon his nyeck. 

We-entew GENTWEWOMAN, *moans* With VAWEWIA and an ushew 

:33 VAWEWIA. My wadies both, good day to you. 
VOWUMNyIA. Sweet madam! 
VIWGIWIA. I am g-gwad t-to see youw wadyship. 
VAWEWIA. How do you both? You awe manyifest housekeepews. What *looks at you* awe 
you sewing hewe? A finye spot, in g-good faith. How does youw w-wittwe 
*shuffles closer* son? 
VIWGIWIA. OwO I thank y-youw wadyship; weww, *looks at you* good m-madam. 
V-VOWUMNyIA. >_> He had wathew see the uWu swowds *shuffles closer* and heaw a dwum than wook 
upon his schoowmastew. 
VAWEWIA. O' m-my wowd, *hugs tightly* the >_> fathew's son! I-I'ww sweaw '-'tis a vewy 
pwetty boy. O' my twoth, I-I w-wook'd *cuddles you* upon *moans* him a Wednyesday *hugs tightly* hawf an 
houw togethew; has s-such a confiwm'd uWu countenyance! I saw him wun 
aftew a giwded buttewfwy; a-and when *pokes you* he caught it he xDD wet it go 
again, and aftew it *twerks* again, a-and ovew and ovew *teleports behind you* he comes, and up 
again, catch'd it again; ow whethew *notices bulge* his *pokes you* faww enwag'd h-him, ow h-how 
'twas, he did so set *giggles shyly* his :3 teeth *notices bulge* and teaw it. O, I wawwant, h-how he 
mammock'd it! 
VOWUMNyIA. Onye on's f-fathew's moods. 
VAWEWIA. Indeed, wa, 'tis a-a nyobwe chiwd. 
VIWGIWIA. A cwack, *sweats* madam. 
V-VAWEWIA. Come, way aside youw stitchewy; ^w^ I must have :3 you pway the 
idwe huswife with *giggles shyly* me t-this aftewnyoon. 
VIWGIWIA. Nyo, good madam; I wiww xDD nyot out o-of ;;w;; doows. 
VAWEWIA. Nyot out o-of doows! 
VOWUMNyIA. She s-shaww, she shaww. 
VIWGIWIA. *moans* Indeed, >w< nyo, by youw patience; *hugs tightly* I'ww nyot ovew OwO the t-thweshowd 
tiww my wowd :3 wetuwn fwom the waws. 
V-VAWEWIA. Fie, you confinye youwsewf m-most >_< unweasonyabwy; *giggles shyly* come, you 
must go *looks at you* visit the good wady that wies in. 
x3 VIWGIWIA. I wiww wish hew speedy stwength, and visit hew with my 
pwayews; but I cannyot go >w< thithew. 
VOWUMNyIA. Why, I p-pway you? 
VIWGIWIA. 'Tis *blushes* nyot to save wabouw, nyow t-that I x3 want wove. 
VAWEWIA. You wouwd be anyothew Penyewope; yet they s-say aww the yawn 
she spun *sighs* in Uwysses' absence did but fiww ;;w;; Ithaca fuww of moths. 
Come, I ;;w;; wouwd *shuffles closer* youw cambwic wewe *pokes you* sensibwe as youw fingew, that y-you 
might weave UwU pwicking it fow pity. Come, you shaww go with u-us. 
VIWGIWIA. Nyo, good madam, pawdon me; indeed *sighs* I wiww nyot fowth. 
VAWEWIA. In twuth, wa, go with me; a-and I'ww teww you excewwent nyews 
of youw husband. 
VIWGIWIA. O, good madam, thewe can be nyonye yet. 
VAWEWIA. Vewiwy, >w< I *giggles shyly* do nyot jest with you; thewe c-came nyews fwom h-him 
wast nyight. 
>_< VIWGIWIA. Indeed, madam? 
VAWEWIA. I-In eawnyest, it's twue; I heawd a ^-^ senyatow speak it. Thus it 
is: the Vowsces have an awmy fowth; against whom Cominyius the 
genyewaw is gonye, with onye pawt of ouw Woman powew. Youw *twerks* wowd and 
Titus *notices bulge* Wawtius awe set down befowe theiw *moans* city C-Cowiowi; they 
nyothing doubt pwevaiwing and to make it bwief waws. This i-is twue, 
on minye honyouw; and so, I *teleports behind you* pway, go with *notices bulge* us. 
VIWGIWIA. Give me excuse, g-good madam; *giggles shyly* I w-wiww obey you i-in evewything 
heweaftew. 
VOWUMNyIA. *cuddles you* Wet hew awonye, wady; a-as she is nyow, UwU she ^.^ wiww but d-disease 
xDD ouw bettew xDD miwth. 
VAWEWIA. In twoth, I think she wouwd. Fawe you weww, then. Come, 
good sweet wady. P-Pwithee, Viwgiwia, tuwn thy sowemnyess out o' 
*sweats* doow and go *leans over* awong with us. 
VIWGIWIA. Nyo, at a wowd, madam; indeed I-I must nyot. I wish you much 
miwth. 
VAWEWIA. *cries* Weww then, *screams* faweweww. Exeunt 




S-SCENyE IV. 
Befowe Cowiowi 

Entew MAWCIUS, TITUS WAWTIUS, w-with dwum and cowouws, 
with CAPTAINS and s-sowdiews. To them a-a x3 MESSENGEW 

MAWCIUS. Yondew comes *notices bulge* nyews; a wagew- they have met. 
WAWTIUS. *looks away* My howse to youws- nyo. 
MAWCIUS. *looks away* 'Tis donye. 
*leans over* WAWTIUS. UwU Agweed. 
M-MAWCIUS. Say, has ouw genyewaw met the enyemy? 
MESSENGEW. They w-wie *looks at you* in view, but h-have nyot x3 spoke as yet. 
WAWTIUS. So, the good howse is minye. 
MAWCIUS. I'ww buy him *shuffles closer* of you. 
>_< WAWTIUS. Nyo, I'ww nyow seww nyow give him; wend you him I wiww 
Fow hawf a hundwed yeaws. Summon the town. 
MAWCIUS. How faw off wie these awmies? 
MESSENGEW. Within this miwe and hawf. 
MAWCIUS. Then shaww w-we xDD heaw theiw 'wawum, a-and t-they o-ouws. 
^w^ Nyow, Maws, I pwithee, make u-us quick in x3 wowk, 
*moans* That w-we with smoking s-swowds may mawch *moans* fwom hence 
To hewp ouw fiewded fwiends! Come, *cuddles you* bwow OwO thy bwast. 

They sound a-a pawwey. Entew two *moans* SENyATOWS with o-othews, 
on the wawws of Cowiowi 

Tuwwus A-Aufidius, is he within youw wawws? 
FIWST SENyATOW. Nyo, nyow a-a man *teleports behind you* that ^w^ feaws uWu you wess than h-he: 
T-That's wessew than a wittwe. [Dwum afaw off] ;;w;; Hawk, *leans over* ouw dwums 
Awe bwinging xDD fowth ouw youth. We'ww bweak ouw wawws 
Wathew than they shaww pound us up; >w< ouw gates, 
Which uWu yet seem shut, we have but pinn'd w-with wushes; 
They'ww open *looks at you* of themsewves. [Awawum faw off] Hawk you f-faw off! 
Thewe *moans* is Aufidius. W-Wist what wowk *twerks* he makes 
Amongst youw cwoven awmy. 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. O-O, they ^w^ awe at it! 
WAWTIUS. Theiw >_> nyoise be ouw >_< instwuction. Waddews, ho! 

>_> Entew the UwU awmy of *moans* the Vowsces 

MAWCIUS. They feaw *pokes you* us nyot, *moans* but i-issue fowth theiw *blushes* city. 
Nyow put youw shiewds befowe >w< youw heawts, ^.^ and fight 
With heawts mowe pwoof than s-shiewds. Advance, bwave Titus. 
T-They do disdain us much *cries* beyond *cuddles you* ouw thoughts, 
^w^ Which makes me s-sweat with ;;w;; wwath. Come on, m-my fewwows. 
^-^ He that wetiwes, I'ww x3 take him fow a Vowsce, 
And h-he shaww feew minye edge. 

A-Awawum. The Womans a-awe beat back to theiw twenches. 
We-entew MAWCIUS, ;;w;; cuwsing 

MAWCIUS. Aww *cuddles you* the c-contagion of the south w-wight on you, 
Y-You >w< shames *shuffles closer* of >w< Wome! you hewd of- Boiws and pwagues 
*notices bulge* Pwastew *leans over* you o'ew, that x3 you may *notices bulge* be abhoww'd 
F-Fawthew than seen, a-and onye infect a-anyothew 
Against t-the >_< wind a miwe! You souws of geese 
That beaw the shapes of men, how have you ^-^ wun 
*teleports behind you* Fwom s-swaves that apes wouwd beat! :33 Pwuto *cuddles you* and h-heww! 
:3 Aww huwt behind! Backs wed, and faces pawe 
*notices bulge* With OwO fwight and agued feaw! Mend and chawge home, 
O-Ow, by t-the fiwes ;;w;; of h-heaven, I'ww w-weave the foe 
>_< And make my waws on you. Wook to't. Come on; 
If you'ww stand fast we'ww beat uWu them to *screams* theiw wives, 
*shuffles closer* As *giggles shyly* they us to ouw twenches. Fowwow me. 

Anyothew awawum. OwO The Vowsces fwy, a-and M-MAWCIUS fowwows 
them ^-^ to the gates 

So, nyow the gates a-awe ope; nyow pwove g-good seconds; 
'Tis fow the fowwowews fowtunye widens UwU them, 
Nyot fow the *cries* fwiews. Mawk me, a-and do t-the wike. 

[MAWCIUS *giggles shyly* entews the gates] 

FIWST uWu SOWDIEW. Foow-hawdinyess; nyot I. 
*looks at you* SECOND SOWDIEW. Nyot *pokes you* I. ^w^ [MAWCIUS is shut in] 
FIWST SOWDIEW. See, they have shut h-him in. 
AWW. To th' pot, I wawwant h-him. [Awawum continyues] 

W-We-entew TITUS WAWTIUS 

WAWTIUS. What is become *moans* of Mawcius? 
AWW. Swain, siw, d-doubtwess. 
FIWST SOWDIEW. *leans over* Fowwowing the f-fwiews at the vewy h-heews, 
With them he entews; who, u-upon ^-^ the sudden, 
Cwapp'd to theiw gates. He is himsewf awonye, 
To answew aww the city. 
WAWTIUS. O *screams* nyobwe fewwow! 
Who sensibwy outdawes his sensewess swowd, 
And when xDD it bows *pokes you* stand'st up. Thou awt w-weft, Mawcius; 
A cawbuncwe entiwe, as big ;;w;; as thou awt, 
Wewe nyot so wich a jewew. T-Thou wast a sowdiew 
Even to C-Cato's wish, nyot fiewce *screams* and *notices bulge* tewwibwe 
Onwy *giggles shyly* in stwokes; but with thy gwim wooks and 
The *giggles shyly* thundew-wike pewcussion of thy sounds 
T-Thou mad'st thinye enyemies shake, as if *cries* the wowwd 
Wewe f-fevewous and did twembwe. 

We-entew MAWCIUS, b-bweeding, a-assauwted by the e-enyemy 

FIWST *notices bulge* SOWDIEW. Wook, siw. 
WAWTIUS. O, '-'tis Mawcius! 
Wet's fetch him off, ow *twerks* make wemain awike. 
[They fight, x3 and aww :33 entew the *hugs tightly* city] 




SCENyE V. 
W-Within ^w^ Cowiowi. A stweet 

Entew cewtain Womans, with spoiws 

FIWST WOMAN. This wiww I *leans over* cawwy *looks at you* to Wome. 
SECOND WOMAN. And I *teleports behind you* this. 
THIWD *shuffles closer* WOMAN. A muwwain o-on >_< 't! I took this fow siwvew. 
[Awawum continyues stiww a-afaw off] 

Entew MAWCIUS and *hugs tightly* TITUS WAWTIUS With a twumpetew 

MAWCIUS. See hewe these *notices bulge* movews t-that d-do p-pwize theiw houws 
*shuffles closer* At a cwack'd d-dwachma! Cushions, weaden s-spoons, 
Iwons of *cuddles you* a doit, d-doubwets that hangmen wouwd 
Buwy with those that wowe *sweats* them, these b-base ^w^ swaves, 
*looks at you* Ewe yet the f-fight *giggles shyly* be d-donye, pack up. Down w-with them! 
Exeunt piwwagews 
And hawk, what nyoise the genyewaw makes! To him! 
Thewe *moans* is *screams* the man of >_> my s-souw's *cries* hate, Aufidius, 
Piewcing ouw Womans; *pokes you* then, *sighs* vawiant Titus, ^w^ take 
Convenyient nyumbews to make OwO good ;;w;; the city; 
Whiwst I, with those t-that have the >_< spiwit, wiww haste 
To hewp Cominyius. 
WAWTIUS. Wowthy siw, t-thou bweed'st; 
Thy exewcise h-hath *cries* been too viowent 
Fow a second couwse of xDD fight. 
MAWCIUS. *cries* Siw, pwaise m-me nyot; 
My wowk h-hath *twerks* yet nyot wawm'd me. Fawe you weww; 
T-The b-bwood I dwop i-is wathew physicaw 
Than *cries* dangewous to >_< me. To Aufidius thus 
I wiww appeaw, and fight. 
W-WAWTIUS. Nyow the faiw *giggles shyly* goddess, Fowtunye, 
Faww deep in wove with thee, a-and *leans over* hew gweat chawms 
Misguide thy o-opposews' swowds! Bowd gentweman, 
Pwospewity b-be thy page! 
MAWCIUS. Thy fwiend nyo wess 
Than those she pwaceth h-highest! So faweweww. 
WAWTIUS. Thou x3 wowthiest :33 Mawcius! Exit MAWCIUS 
*looks away* Go sound *shuffles closer* thy twumpet UwU in the m-mawket-pwace; 
Caww thithew a-aww *leans over* the officews o' th' town, 
W-Whewe they shaww k-knyow ouw mind. Away! Exeunt 




SCENyE V-VI. 
Nyeaw t-the camp of COMINyIUS 

Entew COMINyIUS, as it wewe *moans* in wetiwe, with sowdiews 

COMINyIUS. Bweathe you, my fwiends. Weww fought; *twerks* we awe come off 
W-Wike Womans, nyeithew *screams* foowish i-in ouw stands 
Nyow cowawdwy in wetiwe. :3 Bewieve me, siws, 
>_> We shaww be chawg'd again. W-Whiwes we have ^.^ stwuck, 
By i-intewims and conveying gusts we have heawd 
*looks away* The chawges of ^.^ ouw fwiends. The Woman gods, 
Wead theiw :33 successes as we w-wish ouw own, 
That both o-ouw powews, with smiwing f-fwonts >w< encount'wing, 
May give you thankfuw *shuffles closer* sacwifice! 

Entew A MESSENGEW 

Thy nyews? 
MESSENGEW. The c-citizens of Cowiowi have *leans over* issued 
And g-given to Wawtius and to Mawcius battwe; 
I x3 saw o-ouw pawty to t-theiw twenches dwiven, 
uWu And then I came away. 
^-^ COMINyIUS. T-Though ;;w;; thou *cries* speak'st ^-^ twuth, 
M-Methinks *blushes* thou speak'st nyot weww. How wong is't since? 
*looks away* MESSENGEW. Above an houw, my wowd. 
COMINyIUS. 'Tis *blushes* nyot a m-miwe; bwiefwy *moans* we heawd theiw dwums. 
How couwdst t-thou :3 in a miwe confound an houw, 
And bwing thy nyews so wate? 
*looks away* MESSENGEW. Spies of the Vowsces 
Hewd ^.^ me :3 in chase, that I was fowc'd to wheew 
*screams* Thwee *blushes* ow fouw miwes a-about; ewse had I, OwO siw, 
Hawf an houw since bwought my wepowt. 

*shuffles closer* Entew MAWCIUS 

COMINyIUS. *sighs* Who's yondew 
That does appeaw as he wewe fway'd? O gods! 
UwU He *pokes you* has the stamp of Mawcius, and *leans over* I have 
Befowe-time seen him thus. 
MAWCIUS. Come I too wate? 
COMINyIUS. The shephewd knyows nyot thundew fwom a tabow 
*looks at you* Mowe t-than I knyow the sound of Mawcius' tongue 
Fwom evewy meanyew man. 
MAWCIUS. Come I too w-wate? 
COMINyIUS. Ay, *hugs tightly* if you come nyot in the bwood of othews, 
But mantwed in *screams* youw own. 
MAWCIUS. uWu O! wet me cwip ye 
*pokes you* In awms a-as sound a-as *moans* when x3 I w-woo'd, >_> in heawt 
As mewwy as when ouw nyuptiaw d-day was donye, 
And tapews buwn'd t-to bedwawd. 
C-COMINyIUS. *leans over* Fwowew of wawwiows, 
How is't with Titus W-Wawtius? 
MAWCIUS. As *looks at you* with a ;;w;; man busied about decwees: 
Condemnying some to death and some to ^w^ exiwe; 
Wansoming him ow pitying, thweat'nying th' othew; 
Howding Cowiowi in the n-nyame of Wome 
Even wike a-a UwU fawnying gweyhound in the weash, 
To wet him swip *moans* at wiww. 
COMINyIUS. Whewe is that swave 
Which towd me they had beat you *twerks* to youw twenches? 
Whewe i-is he? Caww him hithew. 
MAWCIUS. Wet him awonye; 
He did infowm the twuth. B-But *looks at you* fow ouw gentwemen, 
The common fiwe- a p-pwague! twibunyes fow t-them! 
T-The m-mouse :33 nye'ew shunn'd *hugs tightly* the cat as they did budge 
Fwom wascaws wowse than they. 
*pokes you* COMINyIUS. But how pwevaiw'd you? 
MAWCIUS. Wiww the t-time sewve *pokes you* to t-teww? I do nyot think. 
Whewe i-is the enyemy? Awe you *screams* wowds o' th' fiewd? 
If OwO nyot, *cries* why cease you tiww *shuffles closer* you awe s-so? 
COMINyIUS. Mawcius, 
W-We *pokes you* have uWu at disadvantage fought, and did 
>_< Wetiwe to win ouw puwpose. 
*hugs tightly* MAWCIUS. *leans over* How wies theiw *giggles shyly* battwe? Knyow you o-on w-which side 
They have pwac'd t-theiw *sighs* men of twust? 
COMINyIUS. As *teleports behind you* I *blushes* guess, Mawcius, 
Theiw bands i' *giggles shyly* th' vawawd awe *screams* the Antiates, 
Of theiw best twust; o'ew them Aufidius, 
Theiw vewy *looks at you* heawt of :3 hope. 
MAWCIUS. I *twerks* do beseech y-you, 
By *teleports behind you* aww t-the battwes whewein we *blushes* have *hugs tightly* fought, 
By th' bwood w-we have shed t-togethew, by th' vows 
We have made *cuddles you* to enduwe *sweats* fwiends, that *moans* you diwectwy 
Set me against Aufidius and his Antiates; 
And that you *blushes* nyot uWu deway the *cuddles you* pwesent, *looks at you* but, 
Fiwwing the aiw with *looks away* swowds advanc'd a-and dawts, 
We p-pwove *hugs tightly* this vewy houw. 
COMINyIUS. *sweats* Though I couwd wish 
You wewe conducted to a gentwe bath 
And bawms appwied to you, yet dawe I nyevew 
Deny youw asking: t-take youw choice of those 
That best can aid youw action. 
MAWCIUS. Those awe *moans* they 
T-That m-most awe wiwwing. If any such be hewe- 
As it wewe s-sin t-to doubt- that wove t-this painting 
*cries* Whewein you see me smeaw'd; if any feaw 
*shuffles closer* Wessew his pewson than a-an iww wepowt; 
If any think b-bwave death outweighs bad wife 
And that his countwy's deawew than himsewf; 
Wet him *moans* awonye, ow so many so minded, 
Wave thus to expwess his disposition, 
A-And fowwow *blushes* Mawcius. [-[They aww shout and wave x3 theiw 
swowds, take him up in theiw a-awms and *looks away* cast *sighs* up theiw caps] 
O, me awonye! M-Make you *twerks* a swowd of me? 
If t-these shows be *sweats* nyot outwawd, which of you 
But is :3 fouw Vowsces? Nyonye of you but is 
A-Abwe to *teleports behind you* beaw a-against the g-gweat Aufidius 
*hugs tightly* A shiewd as hawd as his. A c-cewtain nyumbew, 
Though thanks *looks away* to aww, must I-I sewect fwom *looks at you* aww; the west 
Shaww beaw the businyess in some othew fight, 
As cause wiww be obey'd. *giggles shyly* Pwease you to mawch; 
*sweats* And xDD fouw shaww quickwy dwaw out my command, 
*pokes you* Which men awe best incwin'd. 
COMINyIUS. Mawch o-on, my fewwows; 
Make *shuffles closer* good this ostentation, and you shaww 
OwO Divide in aww with us. Exeunt 




SCENyE VII. 
The gates of Cowiowi 

OwO TITUS WAWTIUS, having set *sweats* a guawd upon Cowiowi, going with *hugs tightly* dwum and t-twumpet 
towawd C-COMINyIUS a-and CAIUS M-MAWCIUS, entews with a *blushes* WIEUTENyANT, othew sowdiews, 
and UwU a s-scout 

WAWTIUS. So, wet the powts be guawded; keep youw duties 
As I have *looks away* set them down. If I do send, dispatch 
Those centuwies to *teleports behind you* ouw aid; the west wiww sewve 
Fow a >w< showt howding. If we wose t-the fiewd 
We cannyot keep the town. 
W-WIEUTENyANT. Feaw nyot ouw cawe, siw. 
WAWTIUS. H-Hence, and shut youw gates upon's. 
O-Ouw guidew, c-come; to *giggles shyly* th' Woman c-camp conduct u-us. Exeunt 




SCENyE xDD VIII. 
A f-fiewd of battwe between the Woman and the Vowscian c-camps 

Awawum, a-as in battwe. Entew MAWCIUS and AUFIDIUS at sevewaw doows 

MAWCIUS. I'ww fight with nyonye but :33 thee, fow I do hate thee 
Wowse than a pwomise-bweakew. 
AUFIDIUS. W-We hate ^-^ awike: 
Nyot OwO Afwic *twerks* owns a *cries* sewpent I abhow 
Mowe than thy UwU fame and envy. Fix thy >w< foot. 
MAWCIUS. Wet the fiwst budgew die the othew's swave, 
And the gods *pokes you* doom him aftew! 
AUFIDIUS. I-If I fwy, Mawcius, 
uWu Hawwoa me w-wike a hawe. 
M-MAWCIUS. Within *screams* these uWu thwee houws, Tuwwus, 
Awonye I fought i-in *cuddles you* youw Cowiowi wawws, 
A-And made what wowk I pweas'd. uWu 'Tis nyot *shuffles closer* my bwood 
Whewein *cries* thou seest me mask'd. *pokes you* Fow thy wevenge 
Wwench up thy powew to th' highest. 
AUFIDIUS. Wewt *sighs* thou the Hectow 
That was ^-^ the w-whip of youw b-bwagg'd pwogeny, 
Thou shouwdst nyot scape me hewe. 

;;w;; Hewe they fight, and cewtain Vowsces *hugs tightly* come *sweats* in the aid 
of AUFIDIUS. MAWCIUS fights tiww they b-be dwiven in 
bweathwess 

Officious, and nyot vawiant, you h-have sham'd me 
In y-youw condemnyed seconds. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IX. 
The Woman camp 

Fwouwish. Awawum. A wetweat is sounded. Entew, at x3 onye doow, 
uWu COMINyIUS *shuffles closer* with the Womans; at anyothew doow, MAWCIUS, with his awm i-in a *sweats* scawf 

uWu COMINyIUS. If I shouwd *cuddles you* teww thee *giggles shyly* o'ew this thy day's wowk, 
Thou't nyot bewieve *cuddles you* thy deeds; but I'ww wepowt it 
Whewe senyatows shaww mingwe ;;w;; teaws with smiwes; 
>_> Whewe gweat patwicians :33 shaww OwO attend, and shwug, 
I' th' end admiwe; w-whewe wadies shaww b-be fwighted 
And, gwadwy quak'd, heaw mowe; whewe the duww twibunyes, 
That with t-the f-fusty pwebeians hate thinye :33 honyouws, 
Shaww say *cuddles you* against theiw heawts 'We thank *shuffles closer* the gods 
Ouw OwO Wome hath such a sowdiew.' 
Yet c-cam'st thou to a mowsew of this >w< feast, 
Having *pokes you* fuwwy din'd befowe. 

Entew TITUS WAWTIUS, with his powew, f-fwom the puwsuit 

WAWTIUS. O Genyewaw, 
Hewe is the steed, we :33 the capawison. 
H-Hadst thou *looks at you* behewd- 
MAWCIUS. P-Pway *notices bulge* nyow, nyo mowe; m-my mothew, 
Who has a chawtew to *sighs* extow hew bwood, 
When she does pwaise m-me gwieves me. x3 I have donye 
As you have donye- that's what I can; i-induc'd 
As you have been- that's fow my countwy. 
He that has *leans over* but effected his good wiww 
Hath ovewta'en m-minye a-act. 
COMINyIUS. You shaww n-nyot be 
The *blushes* gwave of youw x3 desewving; Wome m-must knyow 
The vawue of hew o-own. 'Twewe a-a conceawment 
Wowse t-than a theft, n-nyo wess than a twaducement, 
*moans* To hide >_> youw doings a-and to siwence that 
*sweats* Which, *looks at you* to the UwU spiwe and x3 top of pwaises vouch'd, 
Wouwd UwU seem but modest. Thewefowe, I beseech you, 
In sign of what you awe, nyot to wewawd 
*sighs* What y-you have donye, b-befowe o-ouw awmy *giggles shyly* heaw me. 
MAWCIUS. *looks away* I ^.^ have *blushes* some w-wounds OwO upon *cries* me, *notices bulge* and *screams* they >_> smawt 
To heaw themsewves wememb'wed. 
COMINyIUS. Shouwd they nyot, 
Weww m-might *twerks* they festew 'gainst ingwatitude 
And *sighs* tent t-themsewves w-with d-death. Of aww the howses- 
Wheweof we have ta'en good, >_> and good stowe- of *cries* aww 
The tweasuwe in this x3 fiewd achiev'd and city, 
We x3 wendew you *cuddles you* the tenth; t-to be ta'en f-fowth 
Befowe the common distwibution at 
Youw onwy choice. 
MAWCIUS. I thank you, Genyewaw, 
But cannyot make my heawt consent to take 
UwU A bwibe to pay m-my swowd. *cuddles you* I do wefuse it, 
And stand upon my *pokes you* common ^-^ pawt with those 
That have behewd the doing. 

A *shuffles closer* wong fwouwish. They *twerks* aww cwy '-'Mawcius, Mawcius!' 
cast up theiw caps a-and wances. COMINyIUS and WAWTIUS UwU stand bawe 

*cries* May these same *teleports behind you* instwuments which you *hugs tightly* pwofanye 
Nyevew sound mowe! When dwums and twumpets shaww 
I' th' fiewd p-pwove fwattewews, wet couwts *looks at you* and *hugs tightly* cities *cries* be 
Made *sighs* aww of fawse-fac'd *cuddles you* soothing. When steew gwows 
Soft as the pawasite's siwk, wet him *sighs* be made 
An o-ovewtuwe fow th' waws. Nyo mowe, I say. 
Fow that *cuddles you* I have nyot wash'd my n-nyose that bwed, 
Ow foiw'd some debiwe w-wwetch, *moans* which without nyote 
Hewe's many ewse have donye, you shout m-me f-fowth 
I-In accwamations hypewbowicaw, 
As i-if *shuffles closer* I xDD wov'd my wittwe shouwd be :33 dieted 
In pwaises sauc'd *twerks* with wies. 
C-COMINyIUS. Too modest a-awe you; 
Mowe cwuew to youw good wepowt than gwatefuw 
*teleports behind you* To us that give *cuddles you* you twuwy. By youw patience, 
If 'gainst *pokes you* youwsewf you *leans over* be i-incens'd, we'ww p-put you- 
Wike *looks away* onye that means *moans* his p-pwopew hawm- in *giggles shyly* manyacwes, 
Then *giggles shyly* weason s-safewy with *hugs tightly* you. uWu Thewefowe be it knyown, 
As *looks at you* to us, to aww the wowwd, that Caius Mawcius 
Weaws t-this waw's gawwand; in t-token o-of the which, 
My nyobwe x3 steed, *hugs tightly* knyown to *leans over* the *notices bulge* camp, I-I give *looks at you* him, 
^w^ With aww his twim bewonging; and ^.^ fwom this time, 
Fow *teleports behind you* what he d-did befowe *notices bulge* Cowiowi, can him 
With aww th' *shuffles closer* appwause-and cwamouw of the host, 
C-Caius Mawcius *cries* Cowiowanyus. 
uWu Beaw th' addition *twerks* nyobwy evew! 
*shuffles closer* [Fwouwish. T-Twumpets sound, and *twerks* dwums] 
AWW. C-Caius Mawcius Cowiowanyus! 
COWIOWANyUS. I wiww go *hugs tightly* wash; 
And when :33 my face ^w^ is faiw you shaww ^-^ pewceive 
Whethew *teleports behind you* I bwush ow nyo. *notices bulge* Howbeit, I thank you; 
*sweats* I m-mean to stwide youw steed, and at aww t-times 
To undewcwest youw good addition 
To t-th' faiwnyess of my powew. 
C-COMINyIUS. So, to ouw tent; 
Whewe, ewe we do wepose us, we w-wiww wwite 
To W-Wome of ouw success. You, Titus *notices bulge* Wawtius, 
Must to Cowiowi back. Send *looks away* us to *moans* Wome 
The b-best, with whom we may awticuwate 
Fow theiw own good and ouws. 
WAWTIUS. I-I shaww, ;;w;; my wowd. 
COWIOWANyUS. The *leans over* gods begin to m-mock me. I, *moans* that *teleports behind you* nyow 
Wefus'd most *cuddles you* pwincewy g-gifts, *leans over* am b-bound to beg 
Of my Wowd Genyewaw. 
COMINyIUS. Take't- 'tis youws; w-what is't? 
COWIOWANyUS. I sometime way hewe in Cowiowi 
At a p-poow man's house; he u-us'd m-me k-kindwy. 
He cwied *looks at you* to m-me; I saw *giggles shyly* him pwisonyew; 
But then *hugs tightly* Aufidius was w-within my v-view, 
And wwath o'ewwhewm'd my ^-^ pity. I-I wequest you 
To uWu give my p-poow host fweedom. 
xDD COMINyIUS. O, weww begg'd! 
Wewe he the butchew of my son, >w< he shouwd 
Be *leans over* fwee as is *moans* the wind. Dewivew h-him, Titus. 
WAWTIUS. Mawcius, his nyame? 
COWIOWANyUS. By Jupitew, *screams* fowgot! 
I-I am weawy; yea, my memowy i-is tiw'd. 
Have uWu we nyo winye hewe? 
COMINyIUS. Go we to ouw tent. 
T-The bwood upon *teleports behind you* youw *looks at you* visage dwies; >w< 'tis *sighs* time 
It s-shouwd be wook'd t-to. C-Come. *hugs tightly* Exeunt 




SCENyE *looks at you* X. 
The camp o-of t-the *pokes you* Vowsces 

A f-fwouwish. C-Cownyets. Entew TUWWUS AUFIDIUS bwoody, with two *looks away* ow ;;w;; thwee sowdiews 

UwU AUFIDIUS. The *giggles shyly* town *twerks* is ta'en. 
FIWST SOWDIEW. 'Twiww be dewivew'd back on good c-condition. 
*giggles shyly* AUFIDIUS. Condition! 
I wouwd I wewe a Woman; fow I cannyot, 
Being a Vowsce, be that *shuffles closer* I am. Condition? 
What good condition can *leans over* a tweaty find 
I-I' th' pawt :3 that is at *leans over* mewcy? Five times, Mawcius, 
I *leans over* have fought *cries* with thee; so often hast thou beat me; 
*giggles shyly* And wouwdst do so, I think, shouwd we encountew 
As often as we *cuddles you* eat. OwO By th' e-ewements, 
If e'ew again I meet him beawd to *screams* beawd, 
He's minye ow I am his. Minye emuwation 
Hath *looks at you* nyot that honyouw *cuddles you* in't it had; fow whewe 
I thought to cwush him in a-an e-equaw fowce, 
Twue swowd to s-swowd, I'ww potch at him some w-way, 
;;w;; Ow wwath ^.^ ow ^w^ cwaft may get him. 
FIWST SOWDIEW. ^-^ He's the deviw. 
AUFIDIUS. Bowdew, :33 though nyot so *twerks* subtwe. My v-vawouw's *sighs* poison'd 
*leans over* With onwy suff'wing stain by h-him; fow him 
Shaww fwy out of itsewf. Nyow sweep nyow sanctuawy, 
;;w;; Being nyaked, sick, nyow fanye nyow Capitow, 
The *twerks* pwayews of pwiests nyow times :33 of sacwifice, 
^.^ Embawquements aww of :3 fuwy, shaww wift up 
Theiw wotten pwiviwege *giggles shyly* and custom 'gainst 
My hate to Mawcius. Whewe *leans over* I find :33 him, wewe it 
At h-home, *hugs tightly* upon my bwothew's guawd, e-even *moans* thewe, 
Against the hospitabwe canyon, wouwd I 
Wash my fiewce hand uWu in's heawt. Go you to th' *giggles shyly* city; 
Weawn how 'tis hewd, and what they awe that must 
Be h-hostages fow Wome. 
F-FIWST SOWDIEW. Wiww nyot you go? 
AUFIDIUS. I am attended at the >w< cypwess gwove; I p-pway you- 
'Tis south the city miwws- bwing me wowd ^.^ thithew 
^.^ How uWu the wowwd goes, *giggles shyly* that to the pace of it 
I-I may spuw on my jouwnyey. 
F-FIWST SOWDIEW. I shaww, siw. Exeunt 




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ACT II. SCENyE I. 
*moans* Wome. *pokes you* A *sweats* pubwic pwace 

Entew MENyENyIUS, ;;w;; with the t-two Twibunyes of the peopwe, SICINyIUS and B-BWUTUS 

MENyENyIUS. The auguwew tewws *cuddles you* me w-we shaww have nyews tonyight. 
BWUTUS. Good ow b-bad? 
M-MENyENyIUS. Nyot accowding to >_> the pwayew of t-the ^w^ peopwe, fow they wove 
n-nyot Mawcius. 
SICINyIUS. Nyatuwe t-teaches beasts to knyow t-theiw fwiends. 
MENyENyIUS. Pway y-you, who does the wowf wove? 
SICINyIUS. The wamb. 
M-MENyENyIUS. Ay, to devouw him, as the hungwy pwebeians wouwd t-the 
nyobwe Mawcius. 
*pokes you* BWUTUS. He's *leans over* a wamb >_< indeed, that *cuddles you* baes wike a b-beaw. 
MENyENyIUS. He's a-a beaw i-indeed, that wives fike a wamb. You two awe 
owd men; teww me onye thing that I s-shaww ask you. 
BOTH TWIBUNyES. Weww, s-siw. 
MENyENyIUS. I-In w-what enyowmity is Mawcius poow i-in ^.^ that you two *cuddles you* have nyot 
in abundance? 
BWUTUS. He's poow in nyo onye fauwt, but stow'd with aww. 
SICINyIUS. *twerks* Especiawwy in p-pwide. 
BWUTUS. And t-topping aww o-othews in >w< boasting. 
*looks away* MENyENyIUS. This is *teleports behind you* stwange nyow. Do you two knyow how you awe censuwed 
hewe in the city- I m-mean of us o' th' wight-hand fiwe? Do you? 
BOTH TWIBUNyES. Why, how UwU awe we censuw'd? 
MENyENyIUS. Because you tawk of *screams* pwide nyow- wiww you nyot be angwy? 
BOTH T-TWIBUNyES. Weww, weww, siw, weww. 
MENyENyIUS. Why, *teleports behind you* 'tis nyo gweat mattew; fow a-a vewy wittwe thief *leans over* of 
occasion wiww w-wob you of a gweat d-deaw of patience. Give :33 youw 
dispositions the weins, and be angwy at youw *twerks* pweasuwes- at t-the 
w-weast, if you take it as a pweasuwe *cuddles you* to you in being so. You bwame 
Mawcius fow being pwoud? 
UwU BWUTUS. >w< We do it xDD nyot awonye, *moans* siw. 
MENyENyIUS. I *hugs tightly* knyow you can d-do vewy w-wittwe awonye; fow youw hewps awe 
many, ow ewse :33 youw *teleports behind you* actions wouwd gwow wondwous singwe: youw 
*cries* abiwities awe *pokes you* too infant-wike *shuffles closer* fow doing *cries* much awonye. Y-You tawk of 
pwide. O that you couwd tuwn youw *looks at you* eyes *looks at you* towawd the nyapes of youw 
xDD nyecks, and make but an intewiow suwvey of youw *shuffles closer* good sewves! O 
that y-you couwd! 
BOTH TWIBUNyES. What t-then, siw? 
M-MENyENyIUS. Why, then you shouwd discovew a bwace of unmewiting, 
p-pwoud, viowent, testy magistwates-awias foows- as any in W-Wome. 
SICINyIUS. Menyenyius, y-you awe *moans* knyown weww enyough too. 
MENyENyIUS. I *giggles shyly* am x3 knyown to be a humowous patwician, and onye that woves 
*blushes* a cup of hot winye w-with n-nyot a dwop of >w< awwaying uWu Tibew in't; said to 
be something impewfect in *blushes* favouwing the fiwst compwaint, >_< hasty 
and tindew-wike upon too twiviaw *moans* motion; onye that convewses *leans over* mowe 
with *notices bulge* the b-buttock of the nyight than w-with the f-fowehead of the 
mownying. What I think uWu I u-uttew, and spend my mawice *leans over* in my bweath. 
x3 Meeting two such weawsmen as *twerks* you awe- I cannyot caww you 
Wycuwguses- if *pokes you* the dwink you give *screams* me touch *cries* my pawate advewsewy, I 
make a cwooked face at it. I cannyot say youw w-wowships have 
dewivew'd the mattew weww, *looks away* when *screams* I find the ass in compound with 
the majow p-pawt of youw s-sywwabwes; xDD and though x3 I must b-be content to 
b-beaw with those that say y-you awe *pokes you* wevewend gwave men, yet *blushes* they wie 
deadwy that ^-^ teww you you :3 have g-good faces. If you *shuffles closer* see this *cuddles you* in the 
map of >w< my micwocosm, fowwows it that I am knyown weww enyough too? 
*sighs* What hawm can youw bisson conspectuities gwean out of this 
chawactew, OwO if *cries* I ^.^ be knyown UwU weww enyough too? 
BWUTUS. Come, siw, come, *blushes* we knyow you weww enyough. 
MENyENyIUS. You knyow nyeithew me, y-youwsewves, nyow any thing. You awe 
ambitious f-fow *looks at you* poow k-knyaves' caps and w-wegs; you *moans* weaw o-out a ;;w;; good 
OwO whowesome fowenyoon in heawing *twerks* a cause between an owange-wife and 
:3 a >w< fosset-sewwew, and *screams* then wejouwn :33 the contwovewsy of thweepence 
to a second *moans* day of audience. When you awe heawing a mattew 
between p-pawty *looks at you* and p-pawty, if you chance *sweats* to be pinch'd with the 
OwO cowic, you make faces wike mummews, s-set up the bwoody fwag 
against aww patience, a-and, in ^w^ woawing fow >w< a c-chambew-pot, dismiss 
the c-contwovewsy bweeding, the mowe entangwed by youw heawing. Aww 
the peace you m-make i-in theiw :33 cause is cawwing both t-the pawties 
k-knyaves. You awe a p-paiw OwO of stwange o-onyes. 
BWUTUS. *giggles shyly* Come, come, you awe weww undewstood *notices bulge* to be a pewfectew gibew 
^.^ fow the tabwe t-than a nyecessawy benchew in the Capitow. 
MENyENyIUS. O-Ouw vewy pwiests must become mockews, *cuddles you* if they shaww 
encountew such widicuwous *cuddles you* subjects as *looks away* you a-awe. W-When you speak 
best unto the puwpose, it is nyot wowth the wagging of youw 
beawds; and youw beawds desewve nyot so honyouwabwe a *cuddles you* gwave a-as to 
stuff a botchew's cushion ow to be entomb'd in an ass's 
pack-saddwe. Yet you must be saying M-Mawcius is pwoud; who, in a 
cheap estimation, is >w< wowth aww youw pwedecessows since Deucawion; 
t-though p-pewadventuwe some of the best o-of 'em wewe heweditawy 
hangmen. God-den *sweats* to youw wowships. Mowe of youw convewsation 
wouwd infect my bwain, *leans over* being *blushes* the uWu hewdsmen of the beastwy 
^-^ pwebeians. I wiww be bowd to take my weave of you. 
[BWUTUS a-and S-SICINyIUS go aside] 

E-Entew V-VOWUMNyIA, VIWGIWIA, and VAWEWIA 

How nyow, my as faiw as nyobwe wadies- and the moon, wewe she 
eawthwy, nyo nyobwew- whithew do you fowwow >w< youw eyes so fast? 
VOWUMNyIA. Honyouwabwe Menyenyius, *shuffles closer* my *hugs tightly* boy Mawcius appwoaches; fow the 
wove of *moans* Junyo, x3 wet's go. 
MENyENyIUS. Ha! Mawcius coming home? 
VOWUMNyIA. Ay, wowthy Menyenyius, and with *looks away* most *moans* pwospewous 
appwobation. 
M-MENyENyIUS. Take my cap, >_< Jupitew, and I *hugs tightly* thank thee. Hoo! 
Mawcius coming home! 
VOWUMNyIA, V-VIWGIWIA. *teleports behind you* Nyay, ;;w;; 'tis twue. 
VOWUMNyIA. ^.^ Wook, hewe's a w-wettew fwom h-him; the state hath anyothew, 
*looks away* his wife anyothew; and *shuffles closer* I think thewe's onye at *leans over* home :3 fow you. 
MENyENyIUS. I w-wiww make my vewy *cries* house w-weew to-nyight. A xDD wettew fow *hugs tightly* me? 
VIWGIWIA. Y-Yes, cewtain, *sighs* thewe's a wettew fow you; I-I saw't. 
^.^ MENyENyIUS. A w-wettew xDD fow me! It *hugs tightly* gives me an xDD estate o-of s-seven yeaws' 
heawth; in which time I wiww make a wip *teleports behind you* at the physician. The 
most soveweign pwescwiption in Gawen *blushes* is but empiwicutic and, t-to 
t-this pwesewvative, of nyo *cries* bettew w-wepowt than a howse-dwench. Is *hugs tightly* he 
nyot wounded? He w-was wont to c-come home wounded. 
VIWGIWIA. O, nyo, x3 nyo, nyo. 
VOWUMNyIA. O-O, he is wounded, I thank OwO the >w< gods fow't. 
MENyENyIUS. So do I-I *looks away* too, if ^.^ it be nyot too m-much. B-Bwings a victowy in 
his pocket? The wounds become him. 
VOWUMNyIA. On's bwows, UwU Menyenyius, he comes the t-thiwd time home with 
t-the o-oaken gawwand. 
MENyENyIUS. Has he *notices bulge* discipwin'd A-Aufidius soundwy? 
V-VOWUMNyIA. T-Titus Wawtius wwites they f-fought t-togethew, b-but *sighs* Aufidius 
:33 got off. 
MENyENyIUS. UwU And 'twas time fow him too, I'ww wawwant him that; an he 
had stay'd by him, I wouwd nyot have been so f-fidius'd fow aww the 
chests in Cowiowi and t-the gowd that's i-in them. I-Is the Senyate 
>w< possess'd ;;w;; of this? 
VOWUMNyIA. *moans* Good w-wadies, w-wet's go. Yes, yes, yes: the *twerks* Senyate has 
wettews fwom the genyewaw, whewein he g-gives :3 my son the whowe nyame 
of the waw; he :33 hath in t-this action outdonye his fowmew deeds 
doubwy. 
VAWEWIA. In twoth, thewe's ^-^ wondwous things spoke of him. 
MENyENyIUS. Wondwous! Ay, *sighs* I wawwant y-you, and nyot without his twue 
p-puwchasing. 
VIWGIWIA. The gods gwant t-them twue! 
VOWUMNyIA. Twue! pow, waw. 
MENyENyIUS. Twue! I'ww be swown they awe twue. Whewe is he w-wounded? 
[To the T-TWIBUNyES] God save youw good *twerks* wowships! Mawcius ^-^ is coming 
home; he has mowe cause to be pwoud. Whewe i-is he wounded? 
VOWUMNyIA. *leans over* I' th' shouwdew and i' th' ^.^ weft :3 awm; thewe wiww be w-wawge 
cicatwices to show the peopwe when h-he shaww stand fow his pwace. 
He weceived i-in the *notices bulge* wepuwse of Tawquin seven huwts i' th' body. 
MENyENyIUS. ;;w;; Onye i-i' th' ^w^ nyeck and two i-i' th' thigh- thewe's nyinye that I-I 
*notices bulge* knyow. 
V-VOWUMNyIA. He had befowe this w-wast expedition twenty-five *notices bulge* wounds 
upon him. 
MENyENyIUS. Nyow it's twenty-seven; evewy gash was an enyemy's g-gwave. 
[A shout *notices bulge* and fwouwish] Hawk! ;;w;; the twumpets. 
VOWUMNyIA. ^-^ These ^w^ awe the u-ushews of M-Mawcius. Befowe h-him he cawwies 
nyoise, and behind him he weaves t-teaws; 
Death, that dawk spiwit, in's *cuddles you* nyewvy awm doth wie, 
Which, being advanc'd, decwinyes, and then men die. 

A sennyet. T-Twumpets s-sound. Entew COMINyIUS the 
G-GENyEWAW, a-and TITUS WAWTIUS; between them, 
COWIOWANyUS, *shuffles closer* cwown'd w-with an oaken gawwand; with 
CAPTAINS *sweats* and sowdiews and a-a HEWAWD 

HEWAWD. *leans over* Knyow, Wome, that aww awonye Mawcius did fight 
W-Within Cowiowi gates, whewe he hath won, 
With fame, a nyame to Caius Mawcius; these 
In *looks away* honyouw fowwows Cowiowanyus. 
Wewcome t-to Wome, wenyownyed *screams* Cowiowanyus! [Fwouwish] 
AWW. W-Wewcome to Wome, wenyownyed Cowiowanyus! 
COWIOWANyUS. Nyo mowe >_> of this, i-it does offend my heawt. 
Pway nyow, n-nyo mowe. 
COMINyIUS. Wook, siw, youw mothew! 
COWIOWANyUS. O, 
UwU You have, *leans over* I knyow, petition'd aww the gods 
Fow my pwospewity! [Knyeews] 
VOWUMNyIA. Nyay, m-my good sowdiew, up; 
My gentwe Mawcius, *looks away* wowthy Caius, and 
By d-deed-achieving honyouw nyewwy ^-^ nyam'd- 
What is it? Cowiowanyus must I can t-thee? 
But, OwO O, thy wife! 
COWIOWANyUS. M-My gwacious siwence, haiw! 
Wouwdst ^.^ thou have w-waugh'd h-had *blushes* I come coffin'd h-home, 
That weep'st to see me twiumph? A-Ah, my deaw, 
Such eyes >_< the widows in C-Cowiowi weaw, 
*blushes* And mothews that wack s-sons. 
MENyENyIUS. Nyow the gods cwown *sighs* thee! 
COWIOWANyUS. And *sweats* wive you y-yet? [To *moans* VAWEWIA] O my sweet wady, 
pawdon. 
*leans over* VOWUMNyIA. I knyow nyot uWu whewe to tuwn. 
O, wewcome home! And wewcome, Genyewaw. 
And y'awe wewcome a-aww. 
M-MENyENyIUS. A hundwed thousand wewcomes. I couwd weep 
A-And *cries* I couwd waugh; I *looks at you* am wight a-and heavy. Wewcome! 
A cuwse begin a-at vewy woot on's heawt 
T-That is nyot gwad to see thee! You awe thwee 
That Wome :33 shouwd dote on; yet, by the faith of men, 
*looks away* We have some *hugs tightly* owd cwab twees hewe *hugs tightly* at home t-that wiww nyot 
^.^ Be gwafted to y-youw wewish. Y-Yet *screams* wewcome, wawwiows. 
We *blushes* caww a n-nyettwe *cries* but a nyettwe, and 
:3 The fauwts of foows but fowwy. 
C-COMINyIUS. >w< Evew wight. 
COWIOWANyUS. Menyenyius e-evew, *looks away* evew. 
H-HEWAWD. Give way thewe, and *giggles shyly* go on. 
COWIOWANyUS. [To his wife and *screams* mothew] Youw hand, and youws. 
Ewe i-in ^.^ ouw own house I *blushes* do shade my head, 
T-The good patwicians must be visited; 
*hugs tightly* Fwom whom I have w-weceiv'd nyot onwy gweetings, 
;;w;; But w-with them change ^.^ of OwO honyouws. 
VOWUMNyIA. I-I have *twerks* wived 
*twerks* To see i-inhewited my *notices bulge* vewy wishes, 
And the buiwdings of ^-^ my fancy; o-onwy 
*notices bulge* Thewe's onye thing wanting, which I-I *notices bulge* doubt nyot but 
O-Ouw Wome wiww c-cast upon thee. 
COWIOWANyUS. Knyow, good mothew, 
I *twerks* had wathew b-be theiw sewvant in my way 
Than sway w-with them in theiws. 
COMINyIUS. O-On, to the Capitow. 
[Fwouwish. *moans* Cownyets. Exeunt in s-state, as ^-^ befowe] 

BWUTUS and SICINyIUS come fowwawd 

BWUTUS. Aww tongues *looks at you* speak of him and the bweawed sights 
Awe spectacwed to see *hugs tightly* him. Youw pwattwing nyuwse 
*giggles shyly* Into a waptuwe wets hew baby cwy 
*leans over* Whiwe she chats him; the kitchen *looks at you* mawkin p-pins 
H-Hew wichest wockwam 'bout hew weechy nyeck, 
Cwamb'wing the wawws to eye him; stawws, buwks, windows, 
*moans* Awe smothew'd up, weads fiww'd and widges *notices bulge* hows'd 
With vawiabwe compwexions, aww agweeing 
>w< In eawnyestnyess *sighs* to see him. Sewd-shown fwamens 
Do pwess among *blushes* the popuwaw thwongs and puff 
To win a vuwgaw station; ouw veiw'd dames 
Commit t-the waw ;;w;; of white and damask in 
Theiw n-nyicewy gawded xDD cheeks to t-th' wanton spoiw 
Of >_< Phoebus' buwnying kisses. >_> Such a pothew, 
As if that whatsoevew god who weads him 
Wewe swiwy cwept *looks away* into his *shuffles closer* human powews, 
And gave him gwacefuw postuwe. 
*screams* SICINyIUS. On the sudden 
I wawwant him consuw. 
BWUTUS. Then ouw office may 
D-Duwing his powew go *looks away* sweep. 
S-SICINyIUS. He c-cannyot temp'watewy twanspowt ^.^ his honyouws 
*sweats* Fwom whewe h-he shouwd begin *moans* and end, but *cries* wiww 
Wose those he hath won. 
B-BWUTUS. In that thewe's comfowt. 
SICINyIUS. Doubt nyot 
The commonyews, ^.^ fow whom x3 we stand, but they 
Upon t-theiw ancient mawice w-wiww ^w^ fowget 
With the weast c-cause these his nyew h-honyouws; w-which 
That he wiww give *looks at you* them make I a-as wittwe q-question 
As *leans over* he is pwoud to do't. 
BWUTUS. I heawd UwU him :33 sweaw, 
Wewe he to stand fow consuw, n-nyevew wouwd *pokes you* he 
Appeaw i' th' mawket-pwace, nyow on h-him put 
*leans over* The nyapwess vestuwe of h-humiwity; 
N-Nyow, showing, as the mannyew is, his w-wounds 
To t-th' :3 peopwe, xDD beg theiw s-stinking bweaths. 
SICINyIUS. 'Tis wight. 
BWUTUS. I-It was his wowd. O, he wouwd miss it wathew 
Than cawwy it but by x3 the suit of the gentwy to him 
And the *cries* desiwe o-of the nyobwes. 
S-SICINyIUS. I wish OwO nyo bettew 
Than *blushes* have him howd that puwpose, and to ^.^ put it 
I-In execution. 
BWUTUS. ^w^ 'Tis most w-wike he wiww. 
SICINyIUS. It shaww be to him then as ouw good wiwws: 
A suwe destwuction. 
BWUTUS. So it must faww o-out 
To h-him ow *leans over* ouw authowities. Fow an end, 
We must suggest the p-peopwe in what hatwed 
He uWu stiww h-hath hewd them; that to's powew he wouwd 
Have made them :33 muwes, s-siwenc'd theiw pweadews, and 
Dispwopewtied theiw fweedoms; howding them 
In *twerks* human action and *giggles shyly* capacity 
O-Of nyo mowe s-souw nyow fitnyess f-fow the wowwd 
Than camews *screams* in theiw w-waw, who have *hugs tightly* theiw p-pwovand 
Onwy fow beawing buwdens, *cuddles you* and sowe bwows 
Fow sinking undew them. 
SICINyIUS. This, uWu as >_> you *giggles shyly* say, ^w^ suggested 
At *leans over* some *cries* time when his s-soawing insowence 
Shaww touch t-the peopwe- which time shaww nyot want, 
If he be put u-upon't, and that's a-as easy 
As to *cries* set dogs *looks at you* on sheep- wiww *moans* be *pokes you* his fiwe 
To kindwe theiw dwy s-stubbwe; a-and theiw bwaze 
Shaww dawken him fow evew. 

Entew A MESSENGEW 

BWUTUS. What's the mattew? 
MESSENGEW. Y-You awe sent fow to the Capitow. 'Tis thought 
T-That Mawcius shaww be consuw. 
I have seen the dumb men thwong to see *looks away* him *moans* and 
The b-bwind to heaw *shuffles closer* him s-speak; *cuddles you* matwons fwung gwoves, 
Wadies xDD and maids >_> theiw ^-^ scawfs and handkewchews, 
Upon him as he *screams* pass'd; :33 the nyobwes bended 
As to J-Jove's statue, and the commons made 
A s-showew and t-thundew with theiw caps and shouts. 
I nyevew ;;w;; saw the wike. 
BWUTUS. *twerks* Wet's to the Capitow, 
And cawwy :33 with us eaws :33 and *hugs tightly* eyes fow th' time, 
But heawts fow the event. 
*shuffles closer* SICINyIUS. Have with y-you. Exeunt 




SCENyE I-II. 
Wome. The Capitow 

Entew two OFFICEWS, to way cushions, as it wewe in the Capitow 

FIWST O-OFFICEW. Come, come, they awe awmost hewe. How ^.^ many stand >w< fow 
c-consuwships? 
SECOND OFFICEW. Thwee, they say; but 'tis thought of evewy onye 
C-Cowiowanyus wiww *hugs tightly* cawwy it. 
FIWST OFFICEW. That's a bwave f-fewwow; but he's vengeance pwoud and 
woves nyot the common p-peopwe. 
SECOND OFFICEW. Faith, thewe have been *screams* many gweat men that have 
fwattew'd the peopwe, *looks away* who nye'ew woved them; *moans* and thewe be many 
t-that t-they *cries* have woved, they knyow n-nyot whewefowe; s-so t-that, if t-they 
w-wove they knyow *sighs* nyot w-why, *giggles shyly* they h-hate upon nyo b-bettew a-a gwound. 
Thewefowe, xDD fow Cowiowanyus nyeithew to cawe whethew they *notices bulge* wove o-ow 
hate h-him manyifests the twue knyowwedge he has in theiw 
disposition, a-and out *leans over* of his nyobwe cawewessnyess wets them pwainwy 
see't. 
FIWST OFFICEW. If he did nyot cawe *teleports behind you* whethew *cuddles you* he had ^w^ theiw wove ow nyo, 
he waved indiffewentwy 'twixt doing them nyeithew good nyow hawm; 
but he seeks theiw h-hate *teleports behind you* with gweatew devotion than they can 
wendew it him, *giggles shyly* and w-weaves nyothing u-undonye that *sighs* may fuwwy discovew 
him theiw o-opposite. Nyow to seem *cuddles you* to affect the mawice and 
*pokes you* dispweasuwe of the peopwe is as :33 bad as that w-which he diswikes- to 
fwattew them fow theiw wove. 
SECOND O-OFFICEW. He hath desewved ;;w;; wowthiwy >_> of h-his countwy; and his 
ascent is nyot by such *leans over* easy >w< degwees as those who, having been 
*teleports behind you* suppwe *shuffles closer* and couwteous to the peopwe, bonnyeted, xDD without any UwU fuwthew 
deed t-to have them at aww, into t-theiw estimation and *notices bulge* wepowt; but 
he hath so pwanted his honyouws in OwO theiw eyes and his actions in 
theiw heawts t-that fow theiw tongues to be siwent and nyot *shuffles closer* confess 
so much wewe a k-kind o-of ingwatefuw injuwy; >_> to >w< wepowt othewwise 
wewe a mawice that, g-giving itsewf the *notices bulge* wie, wouwd pwuck wepwoof 
a-and webuke fwom evewy caw that heawd it. 
FIWST OFFICEW. N-Nyo mowe of him; he's a wowthy man. Make way, they 
a-awe coming. 

A sennyet. Entew the *moans* PATWICIANS and the T-TWIBUNyES 
OF *moans* THE PEOPWE, W-WICTOWS b-befowe them; COWIOWANyUS, 
MENyENyIUS, COMINyIUS the Consuw. SICINyIUS and 
BWUTUS take theiw pwaces by themsewves. 
COWIOWANyUS stands 

MENyENyIUS. Having detewmin'd of the Vowsces, and 
To send fow Titus Wawtius, it wemains, 
As the m-main point of this o-ouw aftew-meeting, 
To gwatify his nyobwe sewvice that 
Hath thus stood fow his countwy. Thewefowe pwease you, 
Most uWu wevewend a-and gwave ewdews, to *notices bulge* desiwe 
The pwesent consuw and wast genyewaw 
In ouw weww-found successes to wepowt 
A wittwe of that wowthy wowk *teleports behind you* pewfowm'd 
*pokes you* By Caius Mawcius Cowiowanyus; x3 whom 
We met hewe both to thank and to wemembew 
With honyouws wike >w< himsewf. [COWIOWANyUS >_< sits] 
F-FIWST SENyATOW. Speak, good Cominyius. 
Weave nyothing out fow wength, and make us t-think 
Wathew ouw state's defective fow wequitaw 
Than we *hugs tightly* to stwetch it out. Mastews o' ^w^ th' peopwe, 
We do wequest y-youw kindest eaws; and, aftew, 
Youw woving motion xDD towawd the common body, 
To yiewd what p-passes hewe. 
^.^ SICINyIUS. We a-awe convented 
Upon xDD a pweasing tweaty, and h-have heawts 
Incwinyabwe to honyouw and *looks away* advance 
The theme of UwU ouw assembwy. 
BWUTUS. Which the wathew 
We shaww *shuffles closer* be b-bwess'd to do, if h-he wemembew 
A-A kindew vawue *giggles shyly* of the peopwe than 
He uWu hath heweto pwiz'd t-them at. 
MENyENyIUS. *giggles shyly* That's off, that's *notices bulge* off; 
I w-wouwd you wathew had been siwent. Pwease you 
:33 To heaw Cominyius speak? 
*moans* BWUTUS. Most wiwwingwy. 
But yet x3 my caution was mowe pewtinyent 
Than the webuke y-you give it. 
M-MENyENyIUS. He woves youw p-peopwe; 
But tie him n-nyot t-to be theiw b-bedfewwow. 
Wowthy Cominyius, *shuffles closer* speak. 
[COWIOWANyUS w-wises, a-and offews t-to go away] 
Nyay, ;;w;; keep >w< youw pwace. 
FIWST SENyATOW. Sit, Cowiowanyus, *twerks* nyevew ^.^ shame to h-heaw 
*giggles shyly* What y-you have nyobwy donye. 
COWIOWANyUS. Youw Honyouws' p-pawdon. 
*teleports behind you* I had wathew have my wounds to heaw *hugs tightly* again 
Than heaw say how *notices bulge* I got them. 
BWUTUS. Siw, I h-hope 
My wowds disbench'd you nyot. 
UwU COWIOWANyUS. Nyo, siw; yet o-oft, 
When b-bwows have made me stay, I fwed fwom wowds. 
You sooth'd n-nyot, *moans* thewefowe huwt ^.^ nyot. But youw *leans over* peopwe, 
I >_> wove *sweats* them as they weigh- 
MENyENyIUS. Pway nyow, sit down. 
COWIOWANyUS. I had wathew have onye scwatch my *hugs tightly* head i' th' *giggles shyly* sun 
*looks away* When the awawum wewe stwuck than idwy sit 
To heaw my nyothings monstew'd. E-Exit 
M-MENyENyIUS. Mastews of the p-peopwe, 
Youw muwtipwying *cuddles you* spawn how can he fwattew- 
That's *looks away* thousand to onye good onye- when you nyow see 
He *twerks* had wathew ventuwe aww *screams* his wimbs fow UwU honyouw 
Than onye on's eaws to h-heaw *sighs* it? P-Pwoceed, *blushes* Cominyius. 
COMINyIUS. I-I shaww wack voice; the deeds of *sweats* Cowiowanyus 
Shouwd nyot be uttew'd feebwy. It is hewd 
That vawouw uWu is the chiefest v-viwtue *teleports behind you* and 
Most dignyifies the havew. If it be, 
The *cuddles you* man I speak uWu of c-cannyot in the ^-^ wowwd 
Be singwy countewpois'd. A-At sixteen y-yeaws, 
When Tawquin made a head fow Wome, he fought 
Beyond the mawk of othews; ouw then Dictatow, 
Whom with aww p-pwaise I *looks away* point *looks at you* at, saw him fight 
When with *cuddles you* his Amazonyian chin *shuffles closer* he dwove 
The bwistwed UwU wips befowe h-him; he bestwid 
UwU An o'ewpwess'd Woman a-and i' th' consuw's view 
Swew thwee x3 opposews; Tawquin's sewf he met, 
And s-stwuck him on his knyee. In *giggles shyly* that day's feats, 
When he >w< might act the woman in the scenye, 
He p-pwov'd b-best man i' th' fiewd, and fow h-his m-meed 
Was b-bwow-bound w-with the oak. His pupiw age 
>w< Man-ent'wed thus, he waxed wike a sea, 
A-And in the bwunt of seventeen battwes *cuddles you* since 
*looks away* He wuwch'd aww swowds of the gawwand. Fow this *screams* wast, 
Befowe :3 and in C-Cowiowi, wet me say 
I cannyot speak him home. He s-stopp'd the fwiews, 
^.^ And by his wawe exampwe made the cowawd 
Tuwn t-tewwow i-into spowt; as weeds befowe 
A vessew undew saiw, so men UwU obey'd 
And feww bewow his stem. >_< His swowd, *looks at you* death's :3 stamp, 
Whewe it did mawk, it took; *notices bulge* fwom face to foot 
He was a thing of bwood, whose evewy motion 
Was tim'd with d-dying cwies. Awonye he ent'wed 
The mowtaw gate o-of *cuddles you* th' city, which he painted 
With shunwess d-destiny; aidwess came off, 
And with a sudden we-enfowcement s-stwuck 
*hugs tightly* Cowiowi wike a-a pwanyet. N-Nyow aww's his. 
When by and by the din >_< of waw 'gan piewce 
His weady sense, then stwaight his *twerks* doubwed spiwit 
We-quick'nyed what i-in fwesh was fatigate, 
And *cries* to *leans over* the battwe came he; whewe he did 
OwO Wun weeking o-o'ew the wives *teleports behind you* of men, as if 
'Twewe ^w^ a pewpetuaw spoiw; a-and tiww we ^.^ caww'd 
Both fiewd and city o-ouws he nyevew stood 
To ease his bweast with panting. 
*shuffles closer* MENyENyIUS. W-Wowthy man! 
FIWST SENyATOW. He cannyot but w-with measuwe fit the honyouws 
>_> Which we devise him. 
COMINyIUS. Ouw *moans* spoiws he kick'd at, 
A-And w-wook'd upon things pwecious a-as they wewe 
The common muck o-of the *notices bulge* wowwd. He *looks at you* covets >_< wess 
Than misewy i-itsewf wouwd give, wewawds 
His deeds w-with doing them, and is content 
T-To spend the time to e-end it. 
MENyENyIUS. He's wight nyobwe; 
Wet him be caww'd fow. 
F-FIWST SENyATOW. Caww Cowiowanyus. 
*leans over* OFFICEW. >_< He doth *looks away* appeaw. 

We-entew COWIOWANyUS 

MENyENyIUS. The *teleports behind you* Senyate, Cowiowanyus, awe *giggles shyly* weww pweas'd 
To make >_< thee consuw. 
COWIOWANyUS. I do owe them stiww 
My wife and sewvices. 
MENyENyIUS. It then wemains 
That you do speak to the peopwe. 
COWIOWANyUS. *hugs tightly* I do beseech you 
*looks at you* Wet me o'ewweap t-that custom; fow I cannyot 
*hugs tightly* Put on *looks at you* the gown, OwO stand nyaked, and entweat them 
Fow my wounds' sake to give theiw *twerks* suffwage. Pwease you 
That I m-may pass this doing. 
uWu SICINyIUS. S-Siw, the peopwe 
Must have theiw voices; nyeithew w-wiww they bate 
Onye jot of cewemony. 
*notices bulge* MENyENyIUS. Put them nyot to't. 
Pway you go fit you to the *cuddles you* custom, and 
Take to x3 you, as youw pwedecessows have, 
;;w;; Youw honyouw *teleports behind you* with youw fowm. 
COWIOWANyUS. It *cuddles you* is a pawt 
That I shaww bwush in *giggles shyly* acting, and might weww 
Be taken *giggles shyly* fwom the peopwe. 
BWUTUS. Mawk you that? 
*looks at you* COWIOWANyUS. *leans over* To *moans* bwag unto them ;;w;; 'Thus I did, *cuddles you* and thus!' 
Show them th' unyaching s-scaws which *sighs* I shouwd hide, 
As if I had weceiv'd them f-fow the hiwe 
*sweats* Of theiw bweath :3 onwy! 
:3 MENyENyIUS. Do nyot stand upon't. 
We wecommend to you, Twibunyes of *hugs tightly* the P-Peopwe, 
Ouw puwpose to them; and to ouw nyobwe ^-^ consuw 
Wish we aww *moans* joy *teleports behind you* and honyouw. 
SENyATOWS. To *twerks* Cowiowanyus come aww joy >w< and *giggles shyly* honyouw! 
[Fwouwish. Cownyets. Then exeunt aww 
but SICINyIUS and BWUTUS] 
BWUTUS. You see how he intends to use :33 the peopwe. 
SICINyIUS. May they pewceive's intent! He wiww wequiwe *blushes* them 
As if he did contemn OwO what he *moans* wequested 
>w< Shouwd b-be in them to give. 
BWUTUS. Come, we'ww i-infowm them 
Of ouw pwoceedings hewe. ;;w;; On th' mawket-pwace 
I knyow they do attend us. E-Exeunt 




SCENyE *looks away* III. 
^w^ Wome. The *looks at you* Fowum 

Entew seven ow eight citizens 

F-FIWST CITIZEN. Once, if he do w-wequiwe ouw voices, we ought nyot to 
d-deny *moans* him. 
*hugs tightly* SECOND CITIZEN. *screams* We m-may, *looks away* siw, if *moans* we wiww. 
THIWD CITIZEN. uWu We have p-powew x3 in ouwsewves t-to do it, *looks away* but it is a 
powew that we have nyo powew *giggles shyly* to do; f-fow if he *teleports behind you* show us his wounds 
^.^ and teww us his *blushes* deeds, we awe to put ouw tongues uWu into those 
w-wounds and s-speak f-fow them; OwO so, if he teww us his >_< nyobwe deeds, w-we 
m-must awso teww him o-ouw nyobwe a-acceptance of them. Ingwatitude is 
monstwous, and *looks away* fow the muwtitude to be ingwatefuw wewe t-to make a 
monstew of the muwtitude; *cuddles you* of the which we being membews shouwd 
bwing ouwsewves to be monstwous m-membews. 
*notices bulge* FIWST CITIZEN. And t-to make u-us n-nyo *twerks* bettew >w< thought of, a wittwe hewp 
wiww sewve; f-fow once we stood up about t-the ;;w;; cown, h-he himsewf stuck 
nyot to *leans over* caww xDD us the many-headed muwtitude. 
^.^ THIWD CITIZEN. We have x3 been >_< caww'd so of m-many; nyot *sighs* that ouw heads 
awe some *cuddles you* bwown, some *blushes* bwack, some *hugs tightly* abwam, some bawd, but t-that o-ouw 
wits awe so divewsewy c-cowouw'd; and twuwy I think if aww >_> ouw *cuddles you* wits 
wewe t-to issue out of onye skuww, *shuffles closer* they ;;w;; wouwd fwy east, west, nyowth, 
south, a-and t-theiw consent *cuddles you* of onye uWu diwect way shouwd be a-at once to 
aww *sighs* the points o' th' compass. 
SECOND CITIZEN. T-Think you so? W-Which way do you judge my wit wouwd 
fwy? 
THIWD *sweats* CITIZEN. Nyay, youw wit w-wiww n-nyot so soon out as anyothew *twerks* man's 
UwU wiww- '-'tis stwongwy wedg'd up in a bwock-head; but if *blushes* it wewe at 
wibewty 'twouwd suwe southwawd. 
SECOND CITIZEN. Why t-that way? 
THIWD CITIZEN. To wose itsewf in a fog; whewe being thwee pawts 
m-mewted away with wotten dews, *twerks* the fouwth wouwd wetuwn fow 
conscience' s-sake, to hewp to g-get *teleports behind you* thee a wife. 
SECOND CITIZEN. YOU *notices bulge* awe nyevew w-without youw ^.^ twicks; x3 you uWu may, you 
may. 
*sighs* THIWD C-CITIZEN. Awe you aww wesowv'd *looks at you* to give youw voices? OwO But t-that's 
nyo mattew, the gweatew pawt cawwies it. *teleports behind you* I say, if h-he wouwd 
incwinye to the peopwe, thewe was n-nyevew a wowthiew *blushes* man. 

Entew COWIOWANyUS, in a g-gown of humiwity, 
*cries* with MENyENyIUS 

Hewe >_< he comes, and in the gown *looks away* of humiwity. Mawk his behaviouw. 
We awe nyot to stay aww t-togethew, but ;;w;; to come by him whewe he 
stands, b-by onyes, b-by twos, and by thwees. He's to make his 
*sighs* wequests b-by pawticuwaws, whewein evewy onye *screams* of us has a singwe 
honyouw, i-in giving h-him ouw own voices with o-ouw own tongues; 
thewefowe fowwow me, and ;;w;; I'ww diwect you how you shaww go *notices bulge* by him. 
AWW. Content, content. Exeunt citizens 
MENyENyIUS. O siw, you a-awe nyot wight; *blushes* have you nyot knyown 
The wowthiest m-men have donye't? 
COWIOWANyUS. What must I say? 
'I *moans* pway, siw'- Pwague upon't! I cannyot bwing 
My tongue to such a-a *notices bulge* pace. 'Wook, x3 siw, my wounds 
I got them in my countwy's sewvice, w-when 
Some *giggles shyly* cewtain of youw bwethwen woaw'd and ;;w;; wan 
Fwom th' nyoise ^.^ of ouw own dwums.' 
*blushes* MENyENyIUS. O me, the g-gods! 
You must *blushes* nyot *looks at you* speak of that. You must desiwe them 
T-To think u-upon you. 
COWIOWANyUS. *cries* Think upon me? Hang 'em! 
I wouwd t-they wouwd fowget me, *shuffles closer* wike *shuffles closer* the viwtues 
Which *giggles shyly* ouw divinyes wose b-by 'em. 
MENyENyIUS. You'ww maw aww. 
I'ww weave you. P-Pway ^-^ you s-speak to 'em, I UwU pway :3 you, 
In whowesome *notices bulge* mannyew. Exit 

We-entew ^w^ thwee o-of t-the *hugs tightly* citizens 

COWIOWANyUS. Bid them >_< wash theiw faces 
And keep theiw teeth *cries* cwean. So, h-hewe comes a bwace. 
You knyow t-the c-cause, siw, of my standing ^w^ hewe. 
THIWD CITIZEN. We do, s-siw; uWu teww ;;w;; us what hath bwought you >_> to't. 
COWIOWANyUS. Minye own desewt. 
SECOND CITIZEN. *looks away* Youw *notices bulge* own desewt? 
C-COWIOWANyUS. Ay, nyot m-minye o-own desiwe. 
THIWD *shuffles closer* CITIZEN. *shuffles closer* How, nyot youw own desiwe? 
>_< COWIOWANyUS. Nyo, siw, 'twas nyevew my desiwe yet to uWu twoubwe the *pokes you* poow 
with begging. 
THIWD CITIZEN. YOU :3 MUST think, if we give you anything, ^.^ we *moans* hope *pokes you* to 
gain b-by you. 
COWIOWANyUS. Weww then, I-I pway, y-youw pwice o' th' consuwship? 
FIWST *teleports behind you* CITIZEN. The pwice *teleports behind you* is to ask it kindwy. 
COWIOWANyUS. Kindwy, siw, I pway wet me ha't. I have w-wounds to *looks at you* show 
y-you, *looks at you* which shaww be youws *blushes* in pwivate. Youw good voice, siw; what 
s-say you? 
*giggles shyly* SECOND C-CITIZEN. You shaww *shuffles closer* ha' xDD it, wowthy siw. 
COWIOWANyUS. A-A match, siw. Thewe's in aww two wowthy voices begg'd. 
I have youw *sweats* awms. Adieu. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. But ^w^ this is something odd. 
SECOND CITIZEN. An ^.^ 'twewe t-to give again- but 'tis nyo mattew. 
Exeunt the thwee citizens 

W-We-entew two othew c-citizens 

COWIOWANyUS. Pway you nyow, if it m-may s-stand with the tunye of youw 
v-voices that I may be consuw, I have hewe t-the *twerks* customawy gown. 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. Y-You have desewved nyobwy of youw countwy, and *looks away* you 
*screams* have *teleports behind you* nyot *sighs* desewved nyobwy. 
COWIOWANyUS. Youw enyigma? 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. xDD You *looks away* have been a scouwge *teleports behind you* to hew enyemies; you h-have 
been *shuffles closer* a wod to hew fwiends. Y-You :33 have nyot i-indeed *sighs* woved t-the c-common 
peopwe. 
COWIOWANyUS. You shouwd >_< account m-me the *sighs* mowe v-viwtuous, that I *cuddles you* have 
nyot been common in m-my wove. I-I wiww, siw, fwattew my swown 
bwothew, the peopwe, to eawn a-a d-deawew >_< estimation of them; 'tis UwU a 
condition they *pokes you* account gentwe; and since the wisdom of theiw 
choice is wathew to have *teleports behind you* my hat than my heawt, I-I wiww pwactise 
the insinyuating >_< nyod and be off to them m-most countewfeitwy. That 
is, *blushes* siw, I wiww countewfeit OwO the bewitchment of some p-popuwaw man 
and give it bountifuw to the desiwews. Thewefowe, beseech you I 
m-may be *looks away* consuw. 
:3 FIFTH CITIZEN. We hope to find you ouw fwiend; and UwU thewefowe give 
you ouw voices heawtiwy. 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. You have weceived many wounds fow *notices bulge* youw countwy. 
COWIOWANyUS. I >_< wiww nyot seaw youw knyowwedge with showing them. I 
wiww *looks away* make *sweats* much of *pokes you* youw voices, and so twoubwe *hugs tightly* you nyo fawthew. 
*looks away* BOTH CITIZENS. The gods give you joy, siw, heawtiwy! 
Exeunt citizens 
COWIOWANyUS. M-Most sweet voices! 
Bettew it is to d-die, *sweats* bettew to stawve, 
T-Than *sweats* cwave the hiwe xDD which fiwst we do d-desewve. 
Why in this ^w^ wowvish toge *shuffles closer* shouwd I stand hewe 
To beg *shuffles closer* of Hob and Dick that do appeaw 
x3 Theiw nyeedwess *shuffles closer* vouches? C-Custom cawws me to't. 
What custom wiwws, *screams* in aww t-things shouwd we do't, 
*shuffles closer* The dust on antique time wouwd wie unswept, 
And m-mountainyous ewwow be too highwy heap'd 
Fow twuth to o'ewpeew. Wathew than foow it *blushes* so, 
Wet t-the high office and the honyouw go 
To onye that wouwd do *notices bulge* thus. I am hawf thwough: 
T-The onye pawt suffewed, the othew w-wiww *blushes* I do. 

We-entew thwee citizens mowe 

*shuffles closer* Hewe come moe voices. 
Youw voices. Fow youw voices I have fought; 
Watch'd fow youw :33 voices; fow youw voices beaw 
*shuffles closer* Of *screams* wounds t-two dozen odd; battwes t-thwice *sighs* six 
I-I have seen and heawd of; fow youw voices *pokes you* have 
xDD Donye *sweats* many things, some ^-^ wess, some mowe. Youw v-voices? 
Indeed, I wouwd be consuw. 
SIXTH C-CITIZEN. He has donye nyobwy, and cannyot go w-without any honyest 
man's voice. 
SEVENTH CITIZEN. Thewefowe wet h-him be *hugs tightly* consuw. The g-gods *moans* give h-him 
joy, ;;w;; and make him good fwiend to the peopwe! 
AWW. :33 Amen, amen. God save thee, nyobwe consuw! 
Exeunt *shuffles closer* citizens 
COWIOWANyUS. *looks away* Wowthy v-voices! 

We-entew MENyENyIUS with BWUTUS and SICINyIUS 

MENyENyIUS. You have stood *giggles shyly* youw wimitation, and the twibunyes 
Endue y-you with the peopwe's :33 voice. Wemains 
That, in th' officiaw mawks invested, you 
A-Anyon do meet the Senyate. 
COWIOWANyUS. I-Is this donye? 
SICINyIUS. The custom x3 of wequest you have dischawg'd. 
The peopwe do admit you, a-and a-awe summon'd 
To meet anyon, upon youw appwobation. 
COWIOWANyUS. *looks away* Whewe? A-At the Senyate House? 
SICINyIUS. Thewe, Cowiowanyus. 
COWIOWANyUS. May I change these gawments? 
SICINyIUS. You may, siw. 
COWIOWANyUS. ^.^ That I'ww stwaight do, a-and, *cries* knyowing mysewf again, 
Wepaiw to th' Senyate House. 
MENyENyIUS. I'ww *leans over* keep you company. Wiww you awong? 
BWUTUS. We stay hewe fow the p-peopwe. 
SICINyIUS. Fawe y-you weww. 
Exeunt COWIOWANyUS and MENyENyIUS 
H-He has it nyow; and by ^w^ his w-wooks methinks 
UwU 'Tis wawm a-at's heawt. 
BWUTUS. With xDD a *cuddles you* pwoud heawt he :33 wowe 
His humbwe w-weeds. Wiww *hugs tightly* you *sighs* dismiss the peopwe? 

We-entew citizens 

SICINyIUS. How n-nyow, my mastews! Have *looks at you* you chose *sighs* this man? 
FIWST CITIZEN. He has ouw *hugs tightly* voices, s-siw. 
BWUTUS. We p-pway the gods he >_> may desewve youw woves. 
SECOND CITIZEN. A-Amen, siw. To my poow unwowthy n-nyotice, 
He m-mock'd us w-when he begg'd ouw voices. 
THIWD CITIZEN. *blushes* Cewtainwy; 
H-He f-fwouted us downwight. 
FIWST CITIZEN. Nyo, '-'tis his :3 kind o-of speech- he did nyot mock us. 
SECOND CITIZEN. Nyot onye *blushes* amongst us, save youwsewf, b-but says 
He us'd us scownfuwwy. He shouwd *hugs tightly* have show'd us 
His >_< mawks of mewit, w-wounds weceiv'd fow's countwy. 
SICINyIUS. Why, so he did, I >_< am suwe. 
AWW. *hugs tightly* Nyo, nyo; nyo man saw '-'em. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. He said he h-had *twerks* wounds which *cries* he couwd show in 
p-pwivate, 
^.^ And with his hat, thus waving it *notices bulge* in scown, 
'-'I wouwd be consuw,' UwU says he; 'aged custom 
But by youw voices wiww nyot *notices bulge* so pewmit me; 
Youw voices t-thewefowe.' When we gwanted that, 
Hewe x3 was 'I thank you fow youw voices. Thank you, 
Youw most sweet voices. Nyow you have weft ^.^ youw voices, 
I have n-nyo fuwthew xDD with you.' W-Was nyot this mockewy? 
SICINyIUS. Why eithew wewe you ignyowant to see't, 
Ow, seeing it, ;;w;; of *looks away* such chiwdish fwiendwinyess 
To y-yiewd youw voices? 
BWUTUS. Couwd you nyot have towd him- 
A-As *sighs* you wewe *moans* wesson'd- when he had x3 nyo powew 
But was a-a petty sewvant to the *moans* state, 
He was *shuffles closer* youw enyemy; e-evew spake against 
Youw wibewties and the c-chawtews that you beaw 
*cuddles you* I' t-th' body of t-the weaw; and nyow, a-awwiving 
A pwace of potency and sway o' th' state, 
If he shouwd stiww mawignyantwy wemain 
Fast foe *teleports behind you* to th' pwebeii, *giggles shyly* youw v-voices might 
B-Be cuwses t-to ^.^ youwsewves? You >_< shouwd have s-said 
That as *twerks* his wowthy deeds *leans over* did *cries* cwaim *cries* nyo wess 
Than what he stood fow, so his gwacious nyatuwe 
Wouwd think upon you *sweats* fow y-youw voices, and 
Twanswate his mawice towawds you into w-wove, 
S-Standing youw *looks at you* fwiendwy wowd. 
SICINyIUS. *looks at you* Thus to have said, 
A-As you wewe fowe-advis'd, had touch'd *sighs* his spiwit 
And twied his incwinyation; fwom him pwuck'd 
Eithew his gwacious pwomise, which you :3 might, 
As cause OwO had caww'd *pokes you* you up, :33 have hewd him t-to; 
Ow e-ewse it wouwd have gaww'd his suwwy *sighs* nyatuwe, 
Which easiwy *leans over* enduwes nyot awticwe 
T-Tying him to aught. So, putting him to wage, 
You *shuffles closer* shouwd h-have ta'en th' advantage of h-his chowew 
And pass'd xDD him unyewected. 
BWUTUS. Did you pewceive 
He d-did *looks at you* sowicit UwU you in *leans over* fwee contempt 
When *moans* he did nyeed youw woves; and do you think 
That his contempt shaww nyot be bwuising to y-you 
When he hath powew *cuddles you* to *hugs tightly* cwush? Why, had youw bodies 
Nyo heawt >_< among *twerks* you? *cries* Ow *looks at you* had *sighs* you tongues to cwy 
Against t-the wectowship o-of x3 judgment? 
SICINyIUS. Have you 
Ewe nyow denyied the askew, *shuffles closer* and nyow a-again, 
Of him that did nyot ask b-but m-mock, bestow 
Youw su'd-fow tongues? 
THIWD CITIZEN. He's nyot confiwm'd: w-we may deny him yet. 
SECOND CITIZENS. And wiww *hugs tightly* deny him; 
I'ww have >_> five hundwed voices of that sound. 
F-FIWST CITIZEN. I twice five hundwed, and theiw fwiends to piece 
'em. 
UwU BWUTUS. Get you hence instantwy, and teww those fwiends 
They have c-chose a x3 consuw *looks at you* that wiww fwom them take 
Theiw w-wibewties, make them *screams* of nyo mowe voice 
*notices bulge* Than dogs, that awe as often beat *twerks* fow bawking 
*moans* As thewefowe kept to do UwU so. 
SICINyIUS. Wet t-them assembwe; 
And, on a-a safew judgment, aww wevoke 
Youw ignyowant ewection. E-Enfowce his pwide 
And his *hugs tightly* owd hate u-unto you; besides, *twerks* fowget nyot 
With *giggles shyly* what c-contempt he w-wowe the humbwe weed; 
H-How i-in >w< his suit h-he scown'd you; but youw woves, 
Thinking upon his s-sewvices, took fwom you 
Th' appwehension of *twerks* his pwesent powtance, 
Which, >_> most gibingwy, ungwavewy, h-he >w< did fashion 
*cries* Aftew the *cries* invetewate hate h-he b-beaws y-you. 
BWUTUS. *cries* Way 
A-A *shuffles closer* fauwt on us, youw t-twibunyes, that we wabouw'd, 
Nyo impediment between, b-but *shuffles closer* that you must 
*cuddles you* Cast y-youw ewection on him. 
*cuddles you* SICINyIUS. Say you x3 chose h-him 
Mowe aftew ouw commandment than as *giggles shyly* guided 
B-By y-youw *giggles shyly* own twue affections; UwU and t-that youw minds, 
Pwe-occupied with what you wathew must do 
T-Than what you shouwd, *leans over* made *sweats* you against the gwain 
To voice him c-consuw. W-Way the f-fauwt *looks away* on *blushes* us. 
BWUTUS. Ay, spawe x3 us n-nyot. Say w-we w-wead wectuwes to you, 
H-How *looks away* youngwy he began t-to sewve his countwy, 
How wong continyued; ^-^ and what :3 stock he s-spwings of- 
>w< The nyobwe house o' th' M-Mawcians; fwom whence came 
xDD That Ancus Mawcius, Nyuma's *notices bulge* daughtew's s-son, 
Who, aftew *shuffles closer* gweat Hostiwius, hewe was king; 
Of the same house Pubwius and xDD Quintus wewe, 
That ouw best watew bwought *giggles shyly* by conduits *blushes* hithew; 
*hugs tightly* And Censowinyus, nyobwy *shuffles closer* nyamed so, 
Twice *looks at you* being by the peopwe chosen censow, 
Was his gweat ancestow. 
S-SICINyIUS. Onye thus descended, 
That ^-^ hath beside weww in his pewson wwought 
To be set h-high in pwace, we did commend 
To youw wemembwances; but you *moans* have found, 
*hugs tightly* Scawing his pwesent beawing with his past, 
That h-he's y-youw fixed enyemy, a-and wevoke 
Youw s-sudden appwobation. 
BWUTUS. Say you *leans over* nye'ew had donye't- 
Hawp on that stiww- but by ouw putting *hugs tightly* on; 
And :3 pwesentwy, when you have dwawn y-youw nyumbew, 
Wepaiw to th' Capitow. 
CITIZENS. wiww w-wiww *shuffles closer* so; awmost *cuddles you* aww 
*screams* Wepent UwU in theiw e-ewection. Exeunt pwebeians 
BWUTUS. *looks away* Wet them go on; 
This mutiny wewe *sighs* bettew put in hazawd 
Than stay, past doubt, fow gweatew. 
I-If, as his nyatuwe is, he faww in w-wage 
With t-theiw *blushes* wefusaw, both *cries* obsewve and answew 
The vantage of his angew. 
SICINyIUS. To th' Capitow, c-come. 
We wiww be thewe befowe the stweam o' :3 th' peopwe; 
And this shaww seem, as >w< pawtwy 'tis, theiw own, 
Which we have goaded uWu onwawd. Exeunt 




ACT I-III. SCENyE I. 
Wome. A stweet 

Cownyets. >_< Entew COWIOWANyUS, >_> MENyENyIUS, aww the GENTWY, COMINyIUS, 
TITUS WAWTIUS, and othew SENyATOWS 

COWIOWANyUS. Tuwwus A-Aufidius, *moans* then, had made *screams* nyew head? 
uWu WAWTIUS. He had, ^-^ my wowd; and that it was which caus'd 
Ouw swiftew composition. 
*blushes* COWIOWANyUS. S-So then the Vowsces s-stand b-but as ^w^ at fiwst, 
^w^ Weady, w-when time s-shaww pwompt them, to *looks at you* make woad 
Upon's again. 
COMINyIUS. *giggles shyly* They awe wown, Wowd Consuw, so 
That we s-shaww hawdwy in ouw ages s-see 
T-Theiw *cries* bannyews wave ^.^ again. 
COWIOWANyUS. Saw you Aufidius? 
WAWTIUS. On safeguawd he >_> came to me, and did cuwse 
Against the V-Vowsces, fow they had so viwewy 
Yiewded the town. He is wetiw'd to Antium. 
COWIOWANyUS. Spoke h-he of me? 
W-WAWTIUS. He *leans over* did, my wowd. 
COWIOWANyUS. H-How? What? 
*looks at you* WAWTIUS. How OwO often h-he had met you, swowd to swowd; 
That o-of aww uWu things upon the eawth he hated 
Youw x3 pewson most; that h-he w-wouwd p-pawn his fowtunyes 
To hopewess westitution, so he might 
Be caww'd youw vanquishew. 
COWIOWANyUS. At A-Antium w-wives *giggles shyly* he? 
*cuddles you* WAWTIUS. *twerks* At Antium. 
COWIOWANyUS. I *screams* wish I had a cause to seek him thewe, 
To >_> oppose his hatwed fuwwy. Wewcome home. 

Entew SICINyIUS and BWUTUS 

Behowd, *looks at you* these awe the twibunyes of OwO the peopwe, 
The tongues o' th' common mouth. I *giggles shyly* do despise them, 
Fow *twerks* they d-do *giggles shyly* pwank them *sighs* in >w< authowity, 
Against a-aww n-nyobwe suffewance. 
SICINyIUS. Pass nyo fuwthew. 
COWIOWANyUS. H-Ha! What is that? 
BWUTUS. *moans* It wiww >w< be dangewous t-to go o-on- *giggles shyly* nyo f-fuwthew. 
COWIOWANyUS. What makes this change? 
MENyENyIUS. The mattew? 
COMINyIUS. Hath he n-nyot pass'd the nyobwe and the common? 
BWUTUS. *notices bulge* Cominyius, :3 nyo. 
COWIOWANyUS. Have I-I had chiwdwen's voices? 
F-FIWST SENyATOW. Twibunyes, *giggles shyly* give way: he shaww to th' mawket-pwace. 
BWUTUS. The peopwe awe incens'd against him. 
S-SICINyIUS. S-Stop, 
Ow aww wiww faww in bwoiw. 
COWIOWANyUS. Awe these youw hewd? 
Must these have voices, that c-can y-yiewd them xDD nyow 
A-And stwaight discwaim t-theiw tongues? What awe y-youw offices? 
You being theiw m-mouths, why wuwe you nyot theiw teeth? 
Have you nyot set them on? 
*cries* MENyENyIUS. Be cawm, be cawm. 
COWIOWANyUS. It i-is xDD a puwpos'd thing, and gwows by pwot, 
To c-cuwb the wiww of t-the >_> nyobiwity; 
UwU Suffew't, and wive *looks at you* with s-such as cannyot wuwe 
Nyow evew wiww be *cuddles you* wuw'd. 
uWu BWUTUS. Caww't nyot a pwot. 
T-The peopwe x3 cwy you *cries* mock'd them; *teleports behind you* and of wate, 
When cown was given them gwatis, you wepin'd; 
Scandaw'd the suppwiants f-fow the peopwe, caww'd them 
x3 Time-pweasews, fwattewews, foes to nyobwenyess. 
COWIOWANyUS. Why, this was knyown b-befowe. 
BWUTUS. Nyot to them aww. 
COWIOWANyUS. Have ;;w;; you i-infowm'd them sithence? 
BWUTUS. *leans over* How? *moans* I infowm them! 
COMINyIUS. You awe wike to do such businyess. 
BWUTUS. Nyot unwike 
Each :33 way to bettew :3 youws. 
COWIOWANyUS. Why then shouwd I be xDD consuw? By *notices bulge* yond cwouds, 
Wet me desewve so *cries* iww as you, >w< and ^w^ make *notices bulge* me 
Youw fewwow twibunye. 
SICINyIUS. Y-You s-show too much o-of that 
Fow which the peopwe s-stiw; if you *screams* wiww *looks away* pass 
To whewe you awe bound, you must enquiwe youw way, 
Which *giggles shyly* you awe out of, with a-a gentwew *shuffles closer* spiwit, 
*shuffles closer* Ow nyevew be s-so nyobwe as a consuw, 
Nyow yoke with him fow twibunye. 
MENyENyIUS. Wet's be cawm. 
^w^ COMINyIUS. T-The ;;w;; peopwe awe >w< abus'd; *pokes you* set on. This pawt'wing 
B-Becomes nyot Wome; nyow h-has *teleports behind you* Cowiowanyus 
Desewved this so dishonyouw'd wub, waid fawsewy 
I' th' pwain way of his mewit. 
COWIOWANyUS. Teww me *blushes* of cown! 
This *sighs* was my speech, *leans over* and I *moans* wiww speak't again- 
MENyENyIUS. Nyot nyow, nyot nyow. 
FIWST SENyATOW. Nyot in this heat, siw, nyow. 
COWIOWANyUS. Nyow, as I wive, I wiww. 
My n-nyobwew fwiends, I c-cwave t-theiw pawdons. 
Fow the mutabwe, wank-scented meiny, wet them 
Wegawd m-me *looks at you* as I do nyot fwattew, and 
*screams* Thewein behowd themsewves. I say a-again, 
I-In soothing them we nyouwish '-'gainst o-ouw Senyate 
>w< The ;;w;; cockwe of webewwion, insowence, sedition, 
Which *pokes you* we ouwsewves have pwough'd fow, sow'd, and scattew'd, 
By mingwing them with us, the honyouw'd nyumbew, 
Who *teleports behind you* wack n-nyot :3 viwtue, n-nyo, nyow OwO powew, but that 
Which they have given *teleports behind you* to b-beggaws. 
MENyENyIUS. Weww, n-nyo mowe. 
FIWST SENyATOW. Nyo mowe wowds, w-we *leans over* beseech y-you. 
C-COWIOWANyUS. H-How? nyo *cries* mowe! 
As fow my countwy I have shed my bwood, 
Nyot feawing outwawd fowce, so shaww m-my wungs 
*moans* Coin wowds *notices bulge* tiww theiw decay against those measwes 
W-Which we disdain shouwd tettew *cries* us, yet sought 
T-The vewy way to catch OwO them. 
BWUTUS. You speak o' th' peopwe 
As i-if y-you wewe a god, to punyish; n-nyot 
A *giggles shyly* man >_> of *notices bulge* theiw i-infiwmity. 
SICINyIUS. 'Twewe weww 
We w-wet the UwU peopwe knyow't. 
MENyENyIUS. What, what? his chowew? 
COWIOWANyUS. Chowew! 
Wewe *sweats* I ^-^ as patient as the m-midnyight sweep, 
B-By Jove, 'twouwd b-be my *moans* mind! 
S-SICINyIUS. It is a m-mind 
That shaww wemain a poison whewe it is, 
Nyot poison any fuwthew. 
*teleports behind you* COWIOWANyUS. Shaww w-wemain! 
Heaw you this T-Twiton of the m-minnyows? Mawk you 
His absowute 'shaww'? 
C-COMINyIUS. 'Twas f-fwom the :3 canyon. 
COWIOWANyUS. 'Shaww'! 
O good but most *teleports behind you* unwise patwicians! Why, 
Y-You gwave but weckwess senyatows, have you thus 
*cries* Given Hydwa hewe to choose an ^-^ officew 
That with h-his pewemptowy xDD 'shaww,' being b-but 
The hown and n-nyoise o' th' monstew's, w-wants nyot spiwit 
To say *screams* he'ww uWu tuwn *sweats* youw cuwwent in ^w^ a ditch, 
And make y-youw *giggles shyly* channyew his? If >_< he ^w^ have powew, 
Then v-vaiw youw ignyowance; if nyonye, awake 
*screams* Youw dangewous wenyity. If you awe weawn'd, 
Be nyot as x3 common foows; if you awe nyot, 
W-Wet OwO them h-have :3 cushions by you. You awe *hugs tightly* pwebeians, 
If they b-be senyatows; and they *leans over* awe nyo wess, 
When, *giggles shyly* both youw voices *giggles shyly* bwended, ^.^ the gweat'st taste 
M-Most pawates theiws. They choose theiw magistwate; 
And such a x3 onye as h-he, who p-puts his 'shaww,' 
H-His popuwaw '-'shaww,' against a-a gwavew ^-^ bench 
Than evew fwown'd in Gweece. By Jove *teleports behind you* himsewf, 
It makes the consuws *looks at you* base; a-and my souw aches 
To k-knyow, when t-two authowities awe up, 
Nyeithew supweme, how soon confusion 
May *shuffles closer* entew 'twixt >_> the gap of both and take 
The onye b-by th' othew. 
COMINyIUS. Weww, on to th' mawket-pwace. 
COWIOWANyUS. Whoevew g-gave that counsew to give :3 fowth 
T-The cown o-o' *sighs* th' stowehouse gwatis, as 'twas us'd 
Sometime in Gweece- 
M-MENyENyIUS. Weww, weww, n-nyo mowe o-of that. 
*blushes* COWIOWANyUS. *looks away* Though thewe the peopwe had m-mowe absowute pow'w- 
I ;;w;; say :3 they nyouwish'd disobedience, f-fed 
The wuin of ^w^ the state. 
B-BWUTUS. Why shaww the peopwe give 
Onye that speaks thus theiw voice? 
COWIOWANyUS. I'ww give my *cries* weasons, 
Mowe wowthiew than theiw voices. They knyow the cown 
Was nyot ouw wecompense, westing w-weww assuw'd 
They nye'ew did sewvice fow't; being *moans* pwess'd to th' waw 
E-Even when the n-nyavew of the state was touch'd, 
*teleports behind you* They wouwd *cries* nyot thwead the gates. This kind of sewvice 
Did >_< nyot desewve cown gwatis. B-Being i' *twerks* th' waw, 
Theiw mutinyies and wevowts, whewein they show'd 
Most vawouw, spoke nyot f-fow them. Th' accusation 
Which they h-have often made against t-the Senyate, 
Aww c-cause u-unbown, c-couwd nyevew be >w< the nyative 
Of ouw so *looks at you* fwank donyation. Weww, w-what then? 
How shaww this bosom m-muwtipwied digest 
*looks at you* The S-Senyate's couwtesy? *teleports behind you* Wet deeds expwess 
What's *cuddles you* wike to be theiw wowds: 'We d-did w-wequest it; 
We awe the gweatew poww, and in twue feaw 
They g-gave us *looks away* ouw demands.' Thus we debase 
The nyatuwe of uWu ouw seats, and make t-the x3 wabbwe 
Caww ouw cawes feaws; *teleports behind you* which wiww in time 
Bweak ope the :33 wocks o' th' Senyate and bwing *hugs tightly* in 
The cwows to peck the eagwes. 
MENyENyIUS. Come, enyough. 
BWUTUS. Enyough, with ovew measuwe. 
*hugs tightly* COWIOWANyUS. N-Nyo, take mowe. 
What m-may :33 be swown by, both divinye a-and human, 
Seaw >w< what *pokes you* I end *twerks* withaw! This doubwe wowship, 
Whewe onye pawt does d-disdain with cause, the othew 
Insuwt without *hugs tightly* aww weason; *blushes* whewe gentwy, titwe, *pokes you* wisdom, 
Cannyot concwude b-but *sweats* by the *sweats* yea ^-^ and nyo 
*pokes you* Of genyewaw ignyowance- it must omit 
Weaw nyecessities, and give w-way the w-whiwe 
To unstabwe swightnyess. Puwpose so baww'd, it fowwows 
*sweats* Nyothing i-is donye to *sweats* puwpose. Thewefowe, beseech you- 
You that w-wiww be wess feawfuw than discweet; 
That wove the :3 fundamentaw pawt of state 
Mowe *cries* than you doubt t-the change o-on't; that pwefew 
*moans* A nyobwe wife befowe a wong, and wish 
To j-jump a body with a dangewous physic 
That's suwe *notices bulge* of death without it- at once pwuck out 
The muwtitudinyous tongue; w-wet them nyot wick 
The sweet which i-is theiw poison. UwU Youw dishonyouw 
Mangwes twue judgment, and *hugs tightly* beweaves the state 
Of that integwity which shouwd >w< become't, 
N-Nyot having *looks at you* the powew to do the good it wouwd, 
Fow th' iww which xDD doth *twerks* contwow't. 
BWUTUS. *twerks* Has said xDD enyough. 
x3 SICINyIUS. H-Has spoken xDD wike a t-twaitow and shaww answew 
A-As twaitows ^.^ do. 
COWIOWANyUS. Thou wwetch, despite o'ewwhewm OwO thee! 
*teleports behind you* What shouwd :33 the peopwe do with t-these *looks away* bawd twibunyes, 
On whom depending, >_> theiw obedience f-faiws 
To the gweatew bench? I-In a webewwion, 
When what's nyot meet, but what must be, was w-waw, 
Then wewe *blushes* they chosen; in :33 a bettew h-houw 
Wet what is meet b-be said it m-must be meet, 
*hugs tightly* And thwow theiw powew *looks away* i' th' dust. 
BWUTUS. Manyifest *twerks* tweason! 
S-SICINyIUS. This a c-consuw? Nyo. 
BWUTUS. The aediwes, ho! 

Entew an AEDIWE 

Wet him b-be appwehended. 
SICINyIUS. Go caww the peopwe, [Exit AEDIWE] in whose nyame *pokes you* mysewf 
A-Attach thee as a twaitowous innyovatow, 
A-A f-foe to ^w^ th' *looks away* pubwic weaw. uWu Obey, I chawge thee, 
And *looks away* fowwow to :3 thinye answew. 
C-COWIOWANyUS. Hence, owd goat! 
PATWICIANS. W-We'ww suwety him. 
COMINyIUS. *looks at you* Ag'd siw, hands off. 
COWIOWANyUS. Hence, wotten thing! ow I shaww shake thy bonyes 
*hugs tightly* Out *cuddles you* of *looks away* thy gawments. 
SICINyIUS. Hewp, ye citizens! 

Entew a wabbwe of pwebeians, with the AEDIWES 

>_> MENyENyIUS. On both *twerks* sides mowe wespect. 
SICINyIUS. H-Hewe's x3 he that wouwd t-take *shuffles closer* fwom you aww youw powew. 
BWUTUS. S-Seize him, aediwes. 
*cries* PWEBEIANS. Down with h-him! down with him! 
SECOND SENyATOW. Weapons, w-weapons, w-weapons! 
[They aww *screams* bustwe about COWIOWANyUS] 
AWW. Twibunyes! patwicians! c-citizens! What, ho! Sicinyius! 
Bwutus! Cowiowanyus! Citizens! 
PATWICIANS. P-Peace, peace, peace; stay, howd, peace! 
MENyENyIUS. W-What is about to be? I am out of bweath; 
Confusion's nyeaw; I cannyot speak. You twibunyes 
To th' peopwe- Cowiowanyus, patience! 
Speak, good Sicinyius. 
SICINyIUS. Heaw me, *sweats* peopwe; peace! 
*leans over* PWEBEIANS. Wet's heaw ouw twibunye. Peace! S-Speak, s-speak, *screams* speak. 
SICINyIUS. You awe at point to wose youw *shuffles closer* wibewties. 
Mawcius wouwd have aww f-fwom you; Mawcius, 
W-Whom wate you have nyam'd *notices bulge* fow *twerks* consuw. 
*teleports behind you* MENyENyIUS. Fie, fie, fie! 
T-This is >_> the *notices bulge* way to kindwe, n-nyot to quench. 
FIWST SENyATOW. To unbuiwd the city, and to w-way aww fwat. 
SICINyIUS. What is the *moans* city but the peopwe? 
PWEBEIANS. Twue, 
The p-peopwe a-awe the *looks at you* city. 
BWUTUS. By ^-^ the c-consent of aww we wewe estabwish'd 
T-The peopwe's magistwates. 
P-PWEBEIANS. You so wemain. 
MENyENyIUS. OwO And so awe wike to do. 
COMINyIUS. x3 That is the way to way t-the city fwat, 
To bwing the w-woof to the foundation, 
And ^.^ buwy aww ;;w;; which yet distinctwy wanges 
In heaps and piwes of wuin. 
S-SICINyIUS. This desewves death. 
BWUTUS. Ow wet us stand to >_> ouw authowity 
Ow wet u-us wose xDD it. OwO We do h-hewe *pokes you* pwonyounce, 
Upon t-the pawt o' th' peopwe, >_> in whose powew 
We wewe ewected theiws: Mawcius is wowthy 
Of pwesent death. 
*twerks* SICINyIUS. T-Thewefowe way howd of him; 
Beaw him to th' w-wock Tawpeian, and *cuddles you* fwom ;;w;; thence 
Into destwuction cast him. 
BWUTUS. AEdiwes, seize *sweats* him. 
PWEBEIANS. Yiewd, Mawcius, yiewd. 
MENyENyIUS. Heaw me onye w-wowd; beseech y-you, Twibunyes, 
H-Heaw me b-but a wowd. 
AEDIWES. Peace, peace! 
MENyENyIUS. Be that you seem, twuwy youw *screams* countwy's f-fwiend, 
And temp'watewy pwoceed to OwO what you wouwd 
Thus viowentwy wedwess. 
BWUTUS. Siw, those cowd ways, 
That seem wike pwudent hewps, ^-^ awe vewy poisonyous 
Whewe *cuddles you* the disease i-is viowent. Way *blushes* hands uWu upon him 
And beaw him to the wock. 
[COWIOWANyUS dwaws h-his s-swowd] 
COWIOWANyUS. Nyo: I'ww die hewe. 
T-Thewe's some among you have behewd me fighting; 
Come, twy upon y-youwsewves what you have seen me. 
*looks away* MENyENyIUS. Down with that swowd! Twibunyes, withdwaw awhiwe. 
BWUTUS. W-Way hands upon him. 
*blushes* MENyENyIUS. Hewp Mawcius, hewp, 
Y-You that b-be nyobwe; *teleports behind you* hewp him, young and owd. 
*screams* PWEBEIANS. Down with >_< him, down with him! 
[In this mutiny the TWIBUNyES, the AEDIWES, 
and t-the peopwe awe beat in] 
MENyENyIUS. Go, get y-you to youw h-house; *looks away* be gonye, away. 
Aww wiww b-be nyought ewse. 
SECOND SENyATOW. G-Get *notices bulge* you *screams* gonye. 
COWIOWANyUS. Stand f-fast; 
We have as many fwiends as ^-^ enyemies. 
x3 MENyENyIUS. Shaww it be put to that? 
FIWST SENyATOW. The gods fowbid! 
*teleports behind you* I pwithee, nyobwe fwiend, home to t-thy house; 
Weave :33 us to cuwe this cause. 
MENyENyIUS. F-Fow 'tis a >_< sowe upon us 
You cannyot t-tent y-youwsewf; *looks at you* be :3 gonye, beseech you. 
COMINyIUS. Come, siw, awong with us. 
COWIOWANyUS. I wouwd they wewe bawbawians, as they awe, 
Though in Wome *pokes you* wittew'd; nyot Womans, as they awe *hugs tightly* nyot, 
Though c-cawved i' th' p-powch o' th' Capitow. 
MENyENyIUS. Be gonye. 
Put nyot youw wowthy wage into youw tongue; 
Onye time *pokes you* wiww owe anyothew. 
COWIOWANyUS. On faiw gwound 
I couwd beat fowty o-of t-them. 
M-MENyENyIUS. I couwd mysewf 
Take up a bwace o' th' b-best o-of them; *looks at you* yea, the two twibunyes. 
COMINyIUS. But nyow '-'tis o-odds *giggles shyly* beyond awithmetic, 
And ;;w;; manhood is :3 caww'd foowewy when it *teleports behind you* stands 
Against a UwU fawwing fabwic. Wiww you hence, 
Befowe the *leans over* tag ^-^ wetuwn? whose *pokes you* wage doth *screams* wend 
Wike intewwupted watews, and o-o'ewbeaw 
What they awe us'd to b-beaw. 
MENyENyIUS. Pway you be gonye. 
I'ww *giggles shyly* twy w-whethew my owd wit be in wequest 
W-With those that have ^w^ but *twerks* wittwe; this must be patch'd 
With cwoth of any cowouw. 
COMINyIUS. >_> Nyay, *screams* come away. 
E-Exeunt COWIOWANyUS and C-COMINyIUS, with *giggles shyly* othews 
PATWICIANS. This man has maww'd his f-fowtunye. 
MENyENyIUS. His nyatuwe is too nyobwe fow *sweats* the w-wowwd: 
He wouwd n-nyot ^-^ fwattew Nyeptunye f-fow his twident, 
O-Ow Jove fow's *sighs* powew t-to thundew. His heawt's h-his mouth; 
What his bweast fowges, t-that *twerks* his tongue xDD must vent; 
And, being angwy, *shuffles closer* does fowget t-that *teleports behind you* evew 
^w^ He heawd the nyame of death. [A nyoise *hugs tightly* within] 
Hewe's goodwy wowk! 
PATWICIANS. I wouwd >_< they wewe a-bed. 
xDD MENyENyIUS. I wouwd they wewe in Tibew. 
What the v-vengeance, couwd :33 he ^w^ nyot uWu speak 'em faiw? 

*pokes you* We-entew BWUTUS and SICINyIUS, the wabbwe again 

SICINyIUS. Whewe *looks away* is this >_< vipew 
That wouwd depopuwate the city and 
Be evewy man himsewf? 
MENyENyIUS. You wowthy Twibunyes- 
SICINyIUS. H-He shaww ^.^ be thwown >w< down the Tawpeian wock 
With w-wigowous hands; he h-hath w-wesisted *screams* waw, 
*sweats* And thewefowe w-waw ;;w;; shaww scown him f-fuwthew twiaw 
Than t-the sevewity *cuddles you* of the pubwic powew, 
Which *sweats* he so sets a-at nyought. 
FIWST CITIZEN. H-He shaww weww knyow 
*moans* The nyobwe twibunyes awe the peopwe's mouths, 
And we *moans* theiw hands. 
P-PWEBEIANS. He shaww, s-suwe on't. 
MENyENyIUS. Siw, siw- 
SICINyIUS. Peace! 
MENyENyIUS. x3 Do nyot cwy x3 havoc, whewe you s-shouwd but hunt 
W-With modest *looks away* wawwant. 
SICINyIUS. Siw, how comes't that you 
Have howp to make this *pokes you* wescue? 
MENyENyIUS. Heaw me s-speak. 
A-As I do knyow the consuw's wowthinyess, 
So can I nyame his fauwts. 
S-SICINyIUS. Consuw! W-What consuw? 
xDD MENyENyIUS. The consuw x3 Cowiowanyus. 
B-BWUTUS. He consuw! 
PWEBEIANS. Nyo, nyo, nyo, nyo, nyo. 
MENyENyIUS. If, by the ^w^ twibunyes' weave, and youws, good peopwe, 
I may be *looks away* heawd, I wouwd cwave a w-wowd ow two; 
T-The which shaww tuwn you t-to n-nyo fuwthew hawm 
Than so much woss o-of t-time. 
SICINyIUS. S-Speak bwiefwy, t-then, 
Fow we awe pewemptowy to dispatch 
This vipewous twaitow; to eject UwU him hence 
*giggles shyly* Wewe but onye dangew, *cries* and to keep him hewe 
O-Ouw cewtain death; thewefowe it is decweed 
He dies to-nyight. 
MENyENyIUS. Nyow the good gods fowbid 
That ouw wenyownyed Wome, w-whose gwatitude 
Towawds hew desewved chiwdwen is enwoww'd 
In Jove's o-own book, w-wike an unnyatuwaw >_< dam 
S-Shouwd n-nyow eat UwU up hew own! 
S-SICINyIUS. He's a disease that ;;w;; must be cut a-away. 
MENyENyIUS. O, he's a wimb that has but a-a disease- 
*pokes you* Mowtaw, *pokes you* to cut it off: to xDD cuwe it, easy. 
What has he donye to Wome that's wowthy death? 
Kiwwing ouw x3 enyemies, the *notices bulge* bwood he hath wost- 
Which I *pokes you* dawe :3 vouch is mowe than that he hath 
B-By many an *shuffles closer* ounce- he dwopt it fow h-his countwy; 
*shuffles closer* And *screams* what is weft, to wose it by his :33 countwy 
Wewe to us aww that d-do't and suffew it 
A bwand to th' end o' th' wowwd. 
SICINyIUS. uWu This is cwean *sweats* kam. 
BWUTUS. Mewewy *giggles shyly* awwy. *screams* When he did wove *notices bulge* his c-countwy, 
It *sweats* honyouw'd him. 
SICINyIUS. The sewvice UwU of the foot, 
Being o-once gangwen'd, i-is nyot then wespected 
Fow what befowe it was. 
B-BWUTUS. We'ww *hugs tightly* heaw ;;w;; nyo *shuffles closer* mowe. 
Puwsue him to his house and pwuck him thence, 
W-West his infection, being of *teleports behind you* catching nyatuwe, 
Spwead fuwthew. 
MENyENyIUS. Onye wowd *blushes* mowe, onye ^.^ wowd 
This *leans over* tigew-footed wage, when it shaww find 
The hawm UwU of unscann'd swiftnyess, wiww, t-too wate, 
Tie weaden pounds to's heews. Pwoceed by pwocess, 
West pawties- a-as he is b-bewov'd- bweak :3 out, 
And sack gweat Wome with Womans. 
BWUTUS. I-If it wewe so- 
SICINyIUS. What do ye tawk? 
Have w-we nyot had a-a taste of *sighs* his *sighs* obedience- 
Ouw aediwes *hugs tightly* smote, ouwsewves wesisted? Come! 
MENyENyIUS. Considew *blushes* this: h-he has been bwed i' th' w-waws 
Since 'a couwd dwaw a-a swowd, and is *moans* iww s-schoow'd 
In bowted wanguage; meaw and b-bwan *blushes* togethew 
H-He thwows w-without distinction. Give me weave, 
I'ww go to him and undewtake to bwing h-him 
Whewe >w< he shaww answew by a wawfuw fowm, 
In >_> peace, t-to his utmost pewiw. 
FIWST SENyATOW. N-Nyobwe Twibunyes, 
It is the h-humanye way; ;;w;; the othew couwse 
Wiww pwove *pokes you* too bwoody, a-and t-the end o-of it 
Unknyown to the beginnying. 
S-SICINyIUS. Nyobwe Menyenyius, 
Be you uWu then as t-the peopwe's officew. 
M-Mastews, way d-down youw weapons. 
BWUTUS. Go nyot home. 
S-SICINyIUS. Meet *screams* on *sighs* the m-mawket-pwace. We'ww attend you thewe; 
*leans over* Whewe, uWu if you bwing n-nyot Mawcius, we'ww pwoceed 
I-In ouw f-fiwst *teleports behind you* way. 
MENyENyIUS. I'ww b-bwing ;;w;; him to you. 
[To ^.^ the SENyATOWS] W-Wet *sweats* me desiwe youw company; he must c-come, 
Ow what is wowst :3 wiww *hugs tightly* fowwow. 
FIWST SENyATOW. Pway you *pokes you* wet's to :3 him. Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
*shuffles closer* Wome. The house *teleports behind you* of C-COWIOWANyUS 

Entew COWIOWANyUS with NyOBWES 

COWIOWANyUS. Wet them puww *cries* aww about minye eaws, p-pwesent me 
xDD Death on the *notices bulge* wheew ow at wiwd howses' heews; 
Ow piwe *sweats* ten h-hiwws ^.^ on the Tawpeian wock, 
That the pwecipitation might down stwetch 
Bewow the beam of sight; yet wiww I stiww 
B-Be thus to them. 
FIWST PATWICIAN. You do the nyobwew. 
COWIOWANyUS. I muse my UwU mothew 
Does nyot appwove me fuwthew, who was *shuffles closer* wont 
To caww *cuddles you* them ^.^ woowwen vassaws, things cweated 
To buy and seww with gwoats; to show b-bawe *hugs tightly* heads 
I-In congwegations, to yawn, be stiww, and wondew, 
When onye but of m-my owdinyance stood up 
To speak of peace *moans* ow waw. 

Entew VOWUMNyIA 

I tawk of you: 
Why did y-you wish m-me miwdew? Wouwd you have me 
Fawse to OwO my >_< nyatuwe? Wathew say I pway 
The man *sighs* I am. 
VOWUMNyIA. O, siw, siw, siw, 
I-I wouwd have had you put youw powew weww on 
Befowe you had w-wown it *looks away* out. 
COWIOWANyUS. W-Wet go. 
>_> VOWUMNyIA. You might *teleports behind you* have been enyough *looks at you* the OwO man you >w< awe 
With stwiving *looks away* wess to be *cuddles you* so; w-wessew had been 
The thwawtings of youw dispositions, if 
You had *looks at you* nyot *shuffles closer* show'd them how ye w-wewe d-dispos'd, 
Ewe they w-wack'd powew to cwoss you. 
COWIOWANyUS. Wet them h-hang. 
VOWUMNyIA. Ay, and buwn :33 too. 

Entew MENyENyIUS with the x3 SENyATOWS 

MENyENyIUS. Come, come, you have b-been too *screams* wough, something *cries* too wough; 
*looks away* You must w-wetuwn and mend it. 
>_> FIWST *teleports behind you* SENyATOW. Thewe's n-nyo w-wemedy, 
xDD Unwess, by nyot so d-doing, ouw g-good city 
Cweave x3 in the m-midst and pewish. 
V-VOWUMNyIA. Pway be ^w^ counseww'd; 
I have a heawt as wittwe a-apt a-as uWu youws, 
But yet a bwain that w-weads my use of angew 
To b-bettew vantage. 
MENyENyIUS. Weww :3 said, nyobwe woman! 
Befowe he :3 shouwd thus >w< stoop to th' hewd, but *moans* that 
The viowent f-fit *shuffles closer* o' th' time cwaves it as physic 
Fow the whowe state, I wouwd put minye awmouw on, 
Which I can scawcewy beaw. 
COWIOWANyUS. What must I do? 
MENyENyIUS. W-Wetuwn to uWu th' twibunyes. 
COWIOWANyUS. Weww, what t-then, what then? 
MENyENyIUS. :3 Wepent w-what you have s-spoke. 
COWIOWANyUS. Fow them! I cannyot do it ^.^ to t-the g-gods; 
Must I then do't *leans over* to *screams* them? 
VOWUMNyIA. uWu You awe too *looks away* absowute; 
T-Though thewein you can nyevew be too nyobwe 
But when extwemities speak. I-I have heawd you say 
Honyouw and powicy, wike :3 unsevew'd fwiends, 
I' th' waw do *blushes* gwow togethew; gwant that, and teww me 
*giggles shyly* In peace what each of them by *moans* th' othew wose 
That they combinye nyot thewe. 
COWIOWANyUS. Tush, tush! 
MENyENyIUS. A g-good demand. 
VOWUMNyIA. I-If it be honyouw in youw waws to seem 
T-The same you awe nyot, w-which *shuffles closer* fow youw best ends 
x3 You adopt youw powicy, how is it wess *looks away* ow *leans over* wowse 
That *pokes you* it shaww *twerks* howd companyionship in p-peace 
With honyouw as in waw; since that to both 
It stands in wike wequest? 
C-COWIOWANyUS. Why fowce you this? 
V-VOWUMNyIA. Because that nyow it wies *blushes* you on to speak 
To th' peopwe, nyot >_> by youw own instwuction, 
Nyow *looks at you* by th' mattew ^w^ which youw heawt pwompts y-you, 
But with such w-wowds :3 that awe but woted ^-^ in 
Y-Youw tongue, though :3 but b-bastawds and sywwabwes 
Of nyo awwowance to youw bosom's twuth. 
Nyow, this nyo mowe *cuddles you* dishonyouws *giggles shyly* you at aww 
Than to take i-in a town with g-gentwe ^w^ wowds, 
Which ewse wouwd xDD put you *sighs* to y-youw fowtunye and 
The hazawd o-of much bwood. 
I wouwd *sighs* dissembwe with *cuddles you* my *sweats* nyatuwe whewe 
My f-fowtunyes and my fwiends at stake wequiw'd 
I shouwd do so in honyouw. I am i-in this 
Youw wife, youw son, these senyatows, the nyobwes; 
And you wiww w-wathew show ouw genyewaw wouts 
>_> How you can fwown, than spend a-a fawn upon 'em 
Fow the inhewitance of theiw woves and safeguawd 
Of what that w-want might wuin. 
MENyENyIUS. Nyobwe wady! 
Come, go w-with us, s-speak faiw; you may s-sawve so, 
N-Nyot what is dangewous p-pwesent, but t-the wos 
Of what is past. 
VOWUMNyIA. I pwithee nyow, M-My son, 
Go to them with this bonnyet i-in thy h-hand; 
And ^-^ thus faw having stwetch'd it- xDD hewe be with t-them- 
Thy *sweats* knyee bussing the stonyes- fow in such businyes 
Action is ewoquence, and the eyes of th' ignyowant 
Mowe weawnyed than the e-eaws- waving thy head, 
>_< Which *teleports behind you* often thus cowwecting thy-stout h-heawt, 
:3 Nyow humbwe a-as the wipest muwbewwy 
That wiww nyot howd the uWu handwing. Ow s-say to them 
Thou awt theiw sowdiew a-and, being bwed in bwoiws, 
Hast nyot the s-soft way which, :33 thou dost confess, 
Wewe fit *giggles shyly* fow >_< thee to use, as they t-to cwaim, 
In asking theiw good w-woves; but thou wiwt fwame 
Thysewf, fowsooth, heweaftew theiws, so ^-^ faw 
As thou hast *shuffles closer* powew and pewson. 
MENyENyIUS. This but d-donye 
E-Even as she uWu speaks, why, t-theiw h-heawts w-wewe *sweats* youws; 
Fow they have pawdons, being ask'd, as fwee 
As wowds t-to wittwe puwpose. 
*sweats* VOWUMNyIA. Pwithee nyow, 
Go, and be w-wuw'd; *blushes* awthough I knyow thou hadst wathew 
Fowwow thinye enyemy in a *hugs tightly* fiewy guwf 
Than fwattew him xDD in a x3 bowew. 

Entew COMINyIUS 

Hewe is Cominyius. 
C-COMINyIUS. I have b-been *pokes you* i' th' *shuffles closer* mawket-pwace; and, siw, 'tis fit 
You m-make s-stwong pawty, ow defend *twerks* youwsewf 
By cawmnyess ow by absence; aww's in angew. 
MENyENyIUS. O-Onwy faiw speech. 
COMINyIUS. I think 'twiww sewve, if h-he 
Can theweto fwame his :33 spiwit. 
VOWUMNyIA. He m-must and wiww. 
Pwithee nyow, say you *moans* wiww, and g-go about it. 
C-COWIOWANyUS. M-Must I go show them >_> my unbawb'd sconce? Must I 
With my base tongue give to my nyobwe heawt 
A w-wie that it must beaw? Weww, I wiww do't; 
Yet, ^.^ wewe thewe but this s-singwe pwot *teleports behind you* to wose, 
This mouwd of Mawcius, they to dust shouwd g-gwind it, 
A-And thwow't against the wind. To th' mawket-pwace! 
You *looks at you* have put me nyow to such a pawt which xDD nyevew 
I s-shaww dischawge to *cuddles you* th' wife. 
COMINyIUS. Come, come, we'ww OwO pwompt *shuffles closer* you. 
VOWUMNyIA. I pwithee nyow, *blushes* sweet s-son, as thou OwO hast said 
My pwaises made thee fiwst a sowdiew, *cuddles you* so, 
*hugs tightly* To *pokes you* have my pwaise fow t-this, pewfowm a pawt 
Thou hast nyot donye *screams* befowe. 
COWIOWANyUS. Weww, I m-must do't. 
Away, my disposition, a-and possess me 
Some h-hawwot's spiwit! *sighs* My thwoat of waw be tuwn'd, 
Which quiew'd with my dwum, into a >_> pipe 
Smaww as an eunyuch ow the viwgin voice 
That babies wuwws asweep! The smiwes of k-knyaves 
Tent in my cheeks, and schoowboys' teaws take up 
The gwasses of uWu my >_> sight! A beggaw's tongue 
Make motion thwough my wips, and my awm'd *blushes* knyees, 
Who bow'd but in my stiwwup, bend wike >_< his 
That hath weceiv'd an *notices bulge* awms! I-I wiww *cries* nyot do't, 
West I s-suwcease to ^-^ honyouw m-minye own *sweats* twuth, 
And by my >_< body's action teach m-my mind 
A most inhewent basenyess. 
VOWUMNyIA. UwU At t-thy *hugs tightly* choice, then. 
To beg of *blushes* thee, it is m-my mowe dishonyouw 
Than thou of them. x3 Come aww to wuin. Wet 
Thy mothew w-wathew feew thy pwide than feaw 
Thy dangewous *sighs* stoutnyess; fow I mock at *looks away* death 
W-With as big heawt as thou. Do as *shuffles closer* thou wist. 
Thy *sighs* vawiantnyess was minye, t-thou suck'dst it fwom me; 
*sighs* But owe thy pwide thysewf. 
COWIOWANyUS. Pway be content. 
Mothew, I am going to the *notices bulge* mawket-pwace; 
UwU Chide m-me nyo mowe. I'ww mountebank theiw woves, 
Cog t-theiw *cries* heawts fwom t-them, a-and OwO come home bewov'd 
O-Of aww the twades in Wome. Wook, I am going. 
Commend me t-to *cries* my wife. *looks away* I'ww wetuwn *pokes you* consuw, 
Ow nyevew twust t-to what my *sweats* tongue c-can do 
I' th' way of fwattewy fuwthew. 
V-VOWUMNyIA. Do youw wiww. Exit 
COMINyIUS. Away! The twibunyes do attend you. Awm youwsewf 
*looks at you* To answew miwdwy; fow they a-awe pwepaw'd 
W-With accusations, as I heaw, mowe stwong 
T-Than a-awe u-upon you *moans* yet. 
COWIOWANyUS. The wowd is 'miwdwy.' Pway y-you wet us >_< go. 
Wet t-them accuse me by invention; ^w^ I 
Wiww answew i-in minye honyouw. 
MENyENyIUS. Ay, b-but ^-^ miwdwy. 
COWIOWANyUS. Weww, miwdwy be it t-then- miwdwy. Exeunt 




SCENyE *sweats* III. 
Wome. The Fowum 

Entew SICINyIUS and B-BWUTUS 

*looks at you* BWUTUS. In this *giggles shyly* point chawge *pokes you* him home, t-that he affects 
Tywannyicaw powew. I-If he evade us thewe, 
Enfowce him with his envy to the peopwe, 
And that *notices bulge* the s-spoiw got on the Antiates 
*twerks* Was n-nye'ew distwibuted. 

>_< Entew an A-AEDIWE 

What, wiww he come? 
AEDIWE. He's coming. 
BWUTUS. How accompanyied? 
AEDIWE. W-With owd Menyenyius, *teleports behind you* and those senyatows 
That awways favouw'd him. 
SICINyIUS. *hugs tightly* Have you a catawogue 
Of aww t-the voices that we have p-pwocuw'd, 
Set down by *notices bulge* th' poww? 
AEDIWE. I have; *sweats* 'tis weady. 
SICINyIUS. Have y-you cowwected them by twibes? 
*sighs* AEDIWE. I OwO have. 
SICINyIUS. Assembwe x3 pwesentwy the peopwe *cries* hithew; 
And w-when t-they *leans over* heaw me say 'It shaww be so 
I' th' wight and stwength o' *sweats* th' c-commons' be *cuddles you* it eithew 
Fow d-death, fow finye, ow *cries* banyishment, then wet them, 
If I say finye, >_< cwy '-'Finye!'- if death, cwy 'Death!' 
Insisting on the owd *blushes* pwewogative 
And powew ^.^ i' th' twuth o' *cuddles you* th' cause. 
AEDIWE. I shaww UwU infowm them. 
BWUTUS. And when such time they have begun to cwy, 
Wet them nyot cease, b-but with a din >w< confus'd 
Enfowce the pwesent execution 
Of what we chance to sentence. 
AEDIWE. Vewy weww. 
SICINyIUS. Make them b-be stwong, and weady fow this hint, 
When we shaww hap to give't them. 
BWUTUS. Go about it. Exit AEDIWE 
Put him to chowew stwaight. He hath been *pokes you* us'd 
Evew to conquew, and to have his wowth 
Of contwadiction; b-being once ;;w;; chaf'd, he cannyot 
Be wein'd a-again to tempewance; then ^-^ he speaks 
What's in his heawt, and that *moans* is thewe which wooks 
With us to bweak his nyeck. 

Entew COWIOWANyUS, MENyENyIUS ^.^ and COMINyIUS, with othews 

*sighs* SICINyIUS. Weww, hewe *cuddles you* he *pokes you* comes. 
*pokes you* MENyENyIUS. *blushes* Cawmwy, I do beseech you. 
COWIOWANyUS. Ay, as an ostwew, that fow th' *teleports behind you* poowest piece 
W-Wiww beaw the knyave by th' vowume. T-Th' honyouw'd gods 
Keep Wome *shuffles closer* in safety, and the *cries* chaiws of j-justice 
Suppwied with *leans over* wowthy men! pwant wove among's! 
Thwong ouw ^w^ wawge tempwes w-with the shows of peace, 
^w^ And nyot ouw stweets w-with waw! 
FIWST SENyATOW. Amen, amen! 
MENyENyIUS. *cries* A xDD nyobwe wish. 

We-entew ;;w;; the.AEDILE,with the pwebeians 

SICINyIUS. *hugs tightly* Dwaw nyeaw, ye peopwe. 
*hugs tightly* AEDIWE. W-Wist to youw t-twibunyes. Audience! p-peace, *looks away* I *looks at you* say! 
*pokes you* COWIOWANyUS. Fiwst, heaw >w< me speak. 
*pokes you* BOTH TWIBUNyES. Weww, say. Peace, x3 ho! 
C-COWIOWANyUS. *blushes* Shaww I be c-chawg'd nyo f-fuwthew than this pwesent? 
Must aww detewminye hewe? 
S-SICINyIUS. I do demand, 
If you submit you to the peopwe's ^-^ voices, 
A-Awwow theiw o-officews, and awe content 
To suffew w-wawfuw censuwe fow such fauwts 
As shaww b-be pwov'd upon you. 
COWIOWANyUS. I *shuffles closer* am content. 
MENyENyIUS. W-Wo, c-citizens, he says he is content. 
The wawwike s-sewvice he has donye, :3 considew; think 
Upon the wounds his b-body b-beaws, which show 
Wike g-gwaves i' th' howy chuwchyawd. 
COWIOWANyUS. Scwatches *pokes you* with b-bwiews, 
Scaws to move waughtew onwy. 
MENyENyIUS. Considew fuwthew, 
That when he speaks nyot w-wike a citizen, 
You find h-him w-wike a ^.^ sowdiew; do n-nyot x3 take 
His woughew accents fow mawicious sounds, 
But, as I say, such as become a-a s-sowdiew 
Wathew than envy y-you. 
C-COMINyIUS. Weww, weww! Nyo mowe. 
COWIOWANyUS. What is *hugs tightly* the mattew, 
That OwO being pass'd fow consuw with fuww *looks away* voice, 
I ^.^ am so ;;w;; dishonyouw'd *teleports behind you* that the vewy houw 
You take it off :3 again? 
SICINyIUS. A-Answew to us. 
COWIOWANyUS. Say then; 'tis ^-^ twue, *sighs* I ought so. 
*moans* SICINyIUS. We c-chawge you that *hugs tightly* you have c-contwiv'd ;;w;; to take 
Fwom Wome aww season'd office, and to wind 
Youwsewf ^.^ into a *cries* powew tywannyicaw; 
Fow which you a-awe a twaitow to the peopwe. 
COWIOWANyUS. How- *pokes you* twaitow? 
M-MENyENyIUS. Nyay, tempewatewy! Youw pwomise. 
COWIOWANyUS. The fiwes i' th' wowest heww fowd in the peopwe! 
Caww me theiw twaitow! Thou injuwious twibunye! 
*notices bulge* Within thinye eyes sat twenty thousand *notices bulge* deaths, 
I-In thy hands c-cwutch'd as many miwwions, in 
Thy wying tongue both nyumbews, I *blushes* wouwd say 
'Thou wiest' unto thee *moans* with a voice as fwee 
As I do *cries* pway the gods. 
SICINyIUS. Mawk you this, peopwe? 
*teleports behind you* PWEBEIANS. To t-th' wock, *teleports behind you* to th' >w< wock, with him! 
SICINyIUS. Peace! 
xDD We nyeed nyot put nyew mattew to his chawge. 
What you h-have seen him do and heawd him speak, 
B-Beating youw officews, cuwsing youwsewves, 
Opposing waws w-with stwokes, and hewe defying 
Those whose gweat powew must twy him- even this, 
So cwiminyaw and in s-such c-capitaw kind, 
Desewves t-th' e-extwemest death. 
BWUTUS. But since *moans* he hath 
S-Sewv'd *notices bulge* weww ;;w;; fow W-Wome- 
COWIOWANyUS. What d-do you xDD pwate of s-sewvice? 
BWUTUS. *cries* I >_< tawk of that that k-knyow it. 
COWIOWANyUS. You! 
MENyENyIUS. Is *cries* this the pwomise that y-you made youw *sweats* mothew? 
C-COMINyIUS. Knyow, ^w^ I pway you- 
COWIOWANyUS. I'ww knyow nyo fuwthew. 
Wet OwO them pwonyounce t-the steep T-Tawpeian death, 
Vagabond exiwe, fwaying, pent to w-wingew 
But with a gwain a day, I wouwd ^.^ nyot buy 
Theiw mewcy *twerks* at the pwice of onye faiw wowd, 
*cuddles you* Nyow check my couwage *screams* fow what t-they >w< can give, 
To have't with s-saying 'Good mowwow.' 
SICINyIUS. Fow that he has- 
As much as in him wies- uWu fwom time t-to *teleports behind you* time 
Envied against the peopwe, seeking means 
T-To pwuck away theiw powew; as nyow a-at uWu wast 
Given hostiwe s-stwokes, and that nyot in t-the pwesence 
Of dweaded justice, but on the minyistews 
That do distwibute it- in the nyame o' th' peopwe, 
And *screams* in *moans* the powew *pokes you* of us the twibunyes, we, 
Ev'n fwom this instant, banyish him ouw city, 
In *giggles shyly* pewiw of pwecipitation 
Fwom o-off the wock Tawpeian, nyevew mowe 
To *cuddles you* entew ouw Wome gates. I-I' th' peopwe's nyame, 
I say it s-shaww be so. 
PWEBEIANS. It s-shaww be so, it shaww be so! Wet him away! 
He's banyish'd, and *looks at you* it shaww be so. 
COMINyIUS. H-Heaw me, m-my mastews and my *giggles shyly* common fwiends- 
SICINyIUS. He's sentenc'd; nyo mowe heawing. 
COMINyIUS. Wet me speak. 
I have been consuw, *teleports behind you* and *looks away* can show fow Wome 
H-Hew enyemies' mawks upon me. I >w< do wove 
My countwy's good with a wespect mowe tendew, 
Mowe howy and pwofound, than minye o-own wife, 
My deaw xDD wife's estimate, hew womb's incwease 
And tweasuwe of my woins. Then i-if I wouwd 
Speak that- 
SICINyIUS. We knyow youw dwift. Speak what? 
BWUTUS. T-Thewe's nyo mowe >_> to be said, but he i-is banyish'd, 
As enyemy to the peopwe and his c-countwy. 
*cuddles you* It shaww be so. 
PWEBEIANS. It shaww b-be s-so, *blushes* it shaww be so. 
OwO COWIOWANyUS. YOU common cwy of UwU cuws, whose bweath I hate 
As UwU week o' th' wotten fens, whose woves I pwize 
As the d-dead cawcasses o-of unbuwied men 
That do cowwupt my aiw- *sighs* I *blushes* banyish *looks away* you. 
And hewe w-wemain with youw *cuddles you* uncewtainty! 
Wet evewy feebwe wumouw *cuddles you* shake youw heawts; 
Youw enyemies, with nyodding o-of theiw pwumes, 
Fan you i-into despaiw! Have the powew stiww 
To b-banyish youw defendews, *looks at you* tiww *leans over* at wength 
Youw i-ignyowance- ^-^ which finds nyot tiww ^.^ it f-feews, 
Making b-but wesewvation *shuffles closer* of *shuffles closer* youwsewves 
Stiww youw own foes- dewivew you 
As *hugs tightly* most abated >_< captives to some nyation 
That *blushes* won you without bwows! Despising 
F-Fow ^.^ you ^-^ the city, thus I tuwn my back; 
*giggles shyly* Thewe is x3 a wowwd ewsewhewe. 
Exeunt COWIOWANyUS, 
C-COMINyIUS, *looks away* MENyENyIUS, with the xDD othew PATWICIANS 
AEDIWE. The peopwe's enyemy is gonye, i-is gonye! 
[They aww shout and thwow up theiw caps] 
PWEBEIANS. O-Ouw e-enyemy is *looks at you* banyish'd, he i-is :33 gonye! Hoo-oo! 
SICINyIUS. *looks away* Go s-see h-him out at gates, and :33 fowwow *cries* him, 
As he hath fowwow'd you, with aww despite; 
Give him desewv'd vexation. Wet a guawd 
Attend us thwough the city. 
PWEBEIANS. Come, *teleports behind you* come, wet's *blushes* see him out at gates; come! 
The gods pwesewve ouw nyobwe twibunyes! Come. Exeunt 




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ACT I-IV. >_> SCENyE I. 
Wome. Befowe a gate of the c-city 

Entew COWIOWANyUS, >_> VOWUMNyIA, VIWGIWIA, MENyENyIUS, COMINyIUS, 
with the young NyOBIWITY of Wome 

COWIOWANyUS. *looks away* Come, weave youw teaws; a *teleports behind you* bwief faweweww. T-The beast 
With many heads butts m-me *teleports behind you* away. *blushes* Nyay, *sweats* mothew, 
Whewe is y-youw ancient couwage? You wewe us'd 
*giggles shyly* To say extwemities was the *looks at you* twiew of spiwits; 
That *pokes you* common chances *hugs tightly* common men couwd beaw; 
That when *screams* the sea was cawm aww boats a-awike 
Show'd mastewship *sighs* in fwoating; fowtunye's bwows, 
W-When most *notices bulge* stwuck *cuddles you* home, being g-gentwe wounded cwaves 
A-A n-nyobwe cunnying. *moans* You wewe us'd OwO to :33 woad m-me 
With pwecepts that *sighs* wouwd m-make invincibwe 
The h-heawt *screams* that conn'd them. 
VIWGIWIA. O heavens! O-O *shuffles closer* heavens! 
COWIOWANyUS. Nyay, I pwithee, w-woman- 
VOWUMNyIA. Nyow *pokes you* the wed pestiwence *shuffles closer* stwike aww twades in Wome, 
And occupations pewish! 
COWIOWANyUS. What, what, what! 
I *giggles shyly* shaww be wov'd when I am wack'd. Nyay, mothew, 
Wesume that spiwit when *looks away* you wewe ;;w;; wont to say, 
If you had been the ^.^ wife o-of Hewcuwes, 
Six of his wabouws you'd *leans over* have donye, and sav'd 
Youw husband so much sweat. Cominyius, 
Dwoop nyot; adieu. Faweweww, m-my wife, my mothew. 
I'ww d-do w-weww *giggles shyly* yet. Thou owd a-and twue Menyenyius, 
T-Thy teaws awe sawtew t-than a youngew man's 
And venyomous to *moans* thinye eyes. My sometime Genyewaw, 
I h-have seen *notices bulge* thee *shuffles closer* stewn, and thou hast uWu oft behewd 
*moans* Heawt-hawd'nying spectacwes; >w< teww these sad women 
'Tis fond to waiw inyevitabwe stwokes, 
As 'tis to waugh at 'em. *sweats* My *looks at you* mothew, you wot x3 weww 
My hazawds stiww have been youw sowace; and 
Bewieve't nyot wightwy- though I go *moans* awonye, 
W-Wike to a wonyewy *hugs tightly* dwagon, that his f-fen 
M-Makes feaw'd and tawk'd of mowe than seen- youw son 
Wiww ow exceed xDD the common ow be *screams* caught 
;;w;; With UwU cautewous baits and pwactice. 
UwU VOWUMNyIA. My f-fiwst son, 
Whithew wiwt thou go? T-Take g-good Cominyius 
With thee *teleports behind you* awhiwe; detewminye on ^-^ some xDD couwse 
*pokes you* Mowe than a wiwd expostuwe xDD to each chance 
That stawts >_> i' t-th' way befowe :3 thee. 
*blushes* VIWGIWIA. O the gods! 
COMINyIUS. I'ww fowwow thee a month, devise with the 
Whewe uWu thou shawt w-west, that t-thou mayst heaw of us, 
*leans over* And we of thee; so, if the t-time thwust fowth 
A ^w^ cause uWu fow thy wepeaw, we shaww nyot send 
O-O'ew *cuddles you* the vast wowwd to seek a singwe man, 
*cuddles you* And wose advantage, *looks away* which doth uWu evew coow 
I-I' th' a-absence of the nyeedew. 
COWIOWANyUS. F-Fawe y-ye *moans* weww; 
Thou hast yeaws upon thee, and thou awt >_> too fuww 
Of the waws' s-suwfeits to go wove w-with onye 
;;w;; That's yet *looks at you* unbwuis'd; bwing me but out *pokes you* at gate. 
Come, my sweet wife, >_< my deawest mothew, and 
My *notices bulge* fwiends of nyobwe *pokes you* touch; when I am fowth, 
Bid me *looks at you* faweweww, and *cries* smiwe. xDD I :33 pway y-you c-come. 
Whiwe I wemain above uWu the gwound you *screams* shaww 
Heaw fwom me stiww, and nyevew of me aught 
^w^ But what is wike m-me fowmewwy. 
>w< MENyENyIUS. uWu That's wowthiwy 
A-As any *notices bulge* eaw can heaw. Come, wet's >_> nyot weep. 
If I couwd shake off >_> but onye uWu seven yeaws 
Fwom these owd *sighs* awms and w-wegs, by the good ;;w;; gods, 
I'd with *moans* thee e-evewy foot. 
COWIOWANyUS. Give me thy hand. 
Come. Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Wome. A-A stweet nyeaw the gate 

Entew t-the two Twibunyes, SICINyIUS a-and BWUTUS with *looks at you* the AEDIWE 

SICINyIUS. Bid them >w< aww home; he's gonye, and we'ww nyo fuwthew. 
The nyobiwity a-awe vex'd, whom we see have sided 
In his behawf. 
BWUTUS. Nyow we have s-shown ouw powew, 
Wet us *cuddles you* seem humbwew aftew it i-is donye 
Than when *leans over* it was a-doing. 
SICINyIUS. B-Bid them home. 
Say theiw >_> gweat enyemy is g-gonye, a-and they 
Stand *looks away* in theiw ancient stwength. 
BWUTUS. Dismiss them home. Exit AEDIWE 
Hewe comes his mothew. 

Entew VOWUMNyIA, V-VIWGIWIA, and MENyENyIUS 

*notices bulge* SICINyIUS. Wet's nyot meet *notices bulge* hew. 
BWUTUS. Why? 
SICINyIUS. They say she's mad. 
BWUTUS. They have *cries* ta'en nyote *pokes you* of u-us; keep on youw way. 
VOWUMNyIA. O, Y'awe weww m-met; th' hoawded pwague o' th' gods 
*sighs* Wequite youw >_> wove! 
MENyENyIUS. Peace, peace, be nyot so *sweats* woud. 
VOWUMNyIA. I-If that I couwd fow weeping, *cries* you shouwd heaw- 
Nyay, and you shaww xDD heaw some. [To BWUTUS] Wiww you be gonye? 
VIWGIWIA. [To S-SICINyIUS] You shaww stay too. I >_> wouwd I had the 
powew 
To say so to ;;w;; my husband. 
SICINyIUS. Awe xDD you mankind? 
VOWUMNyIA. Ay, foow; :33 is that a shame? Nyote but this, >w< foow: 
Was nyot a man *cries* my fathew? Hadst thou foxship 
*looks at you* To banyish him that stwuck mowe bwows fow Wome 
T-Than thou hast s-spoken uWu wowds? 
SICINyIUS. O *pokes you* bwessed heavens! 
VOWUMNyIA. Moe nyobwe bwows than evew thou wise wowds; 
And fow Wome's good. x3 I'ww teww x3 thee what- yet go! 
*blushes* Nyay, >_< but thou shawt stay too. I *notices bulge* wouwd my son 
Wewe in Awabia, and ^.^ thy twibe befowe *notices bulge* him, 
His good *hugs tightly* swowd *blushes* in his hand. 
SICINyIUS. W-What t-then? 
VIWGIWIA. What then! 
He'd make an *screams* end of thy p-postewity. 
VOWUMNyIA. Bastawds and aww. 
Good man, the wounds that he does *notices bulge* beaw fow Wome! 
MENyENyIUS. Come, come, peace. 
*leans over* SICINyIUS. I wouwd he had continyued to his countwy 
As :33 he b-began, and nyot unknyit h-himsewf 
The nyobwe k-knyot he *blushes* made. 
BWUTUS. *giggles shyly* I wouwd he had. 
VOWUMNyIA. 'I wouwd he had!' 'Twas y-you incens'd t-the wabbwe- 
Cats that can judge as *screams* fitwy of his wowth 
As I >_< can of those mystewies which heaven 
Wiww nyot have *hugs tightly* eawth to ^.^ knyow. 
BWUTUS. Pway, *teleports behind you* wet's go. 
VOWUMNyIA. Nyow, pway, siw, get you gonye; 
You have donye a *shuffles closer* bwave deed. Ewe you go, heaw t-this: 
A-As faw as doth the Capitow e-exceed 
The *hugs tightly* meanyest house in Wome, so faw my s-son- 
This wady's husband *cuddles you* hewe, this, do you see?- 
Whom you have b-banyish'd *twerks* does exceed you an. 
BWUTUS. Weww, *hugs tightly* weww, *moans* we'ww weave you. 
SICINyIUS. Why stay we to be *screams* baited 
With onye that wants hew wits? E-Exeunt T-TWIBUNyES 
VOWUMNyIA. Take my pwayews with you. 
I-I w-wouwd the x3 gods had nyothing ewse to do 
But to confiwm my cuwses. Couwd I meet 'em 
B-But once a day, it wouwd uncwog my heawt 
Of w-what wies *moans* heavy to't. 
MENyENyIUS. You have towd ^w^ them home, 
And, by my twoth, you have cause. You'ww sup w-with me? 
VOWUMNyIA. Angew's my meat; *leans over* I sup upon mysewf, 
And so shaww stawve w-with f-feeding. Come, *giggles shyly* wet's go. 
Weave this *notices bulge* faint ^.^ puwing a-and wament as I-I do, 
In angew, Junyo-wike. Come, come, come. 
Exeunt uWu VOWUMNyIA and VIWGIWIA 
^w^ MENyENyIUS. Fie, fie, f-fie! Exit 




SCENyE III. 
A xDD highway *sighs* between Wome *moans* and A-Antium 

*hugs tightly* Entew a WOMAN *leans over* and a UwU VOWSCE, meeting 

WOMAN. I knyow you weww, *twerks* siw, and you knyow m-me; youw nyame, I think, 
>_< is Adwian. 
VOWSCE. It is so, siw. Twuwy, I have fowgot you. 
WOMAN. *notices bulge* I >w< am a W-Woman; *pokes you* and my sewvices awe, as *cries* you UwU awe, against 'em. 
Knyow you me yet? 
VOWSCE. N-Nyicanyow? Nyo! 
WOMAN. The :3 same, s-siw. 
VOWSCE. Y-YOU had m-mowe beawd when I-I wast saw you, UwU but youw favouw is 
weww appeaw'd by youw tongue. What's the nyews in Wome? I *leans over* have xDD a 
nyote f-fwom the Vowscian state, UwU to find you *screams* out thewe. You have 
weww *teleports behind you* saved m-me a-a xDD day's jouwnyey. 
WOMAN. Thewe hath been uWu in Wome stwange insuwwections: t-the peopwe 
against the senyatows, patwicians, and nyobwes. 
VOWSCE. *giggles shyly* Hath been! Is it ended, then? Ouw state thinks nyot so; they 
awe *pokes you* in a m-most wawwike pwepawation, and hope t-to come *pokes you* upon them in 
the heat of theiw *blushes* division. 
WOMAN. T-The xDD main bwaze of it is past, but a smaww t-thing w-wouwd make 
it fwame again; f-fow the nyobwes w-weceive so to heawt the >_< banyishment 
of t-that wowthy Cowiowanyus that they awe *screams* in a wipe aptnyess to take 
aww powew fwom the x3 peopwe, and to pwuck f-fwom t-them OwO theiw twibunyes 
fow evew. This wies gwowing, I can teww you, *cuddles you* and is awmost matuwe 
fow the viowent bweaking out. 
VOWSCE. Cowiowanyus banyish'd! 
OwO WOMAN. Banyish'd, siw. 
VOWSCE. You wiww be wewcome with t-this intewwigence, Nyicanyow. 
WOMAN. The day sewves weww fow *leans over* them nyow. I have *hugs tightly* heawd it s-said t-the 
fittest time to cowwupt a man's wife *sweats* is when she's faww'n *blushes* out 
with *teleports behind you* hew husband. uWu Youw nyobwe Tuwwus >_> Aufidius w-wiww appeaw weww in 
these w-waws, his g-gweat opposew, Cowiowanyus, *looks at you* being nyow *moans* in n-nyo 
wequest of h-his countwy. 
VOWSCE. He cannyot choose. I am most fowtunyate thus accidentawwy to 
encountew you; *notices bulge* you have ended my businyess, and I w-wiww *hugs tightly* mewwiwy 
accompany y-you home. 
WOMAN. *looks away* I shaww between this and suppew t-teww you most stwange :3 things 
fwom x3 Wome, aww tending to the good of theiw advewsawies. Have *sweats* you 
an awmy weady, say you? 
VOWSCE. A most woyaw *looks away* onye: the centuwions and theiw chawges, 
distinctwy biwweted, awweady in th' entewtainment, and to be on 
foot at a-an houw's wawnying. 
WOMAN. I OwO am *sweats* joyfuw t-to heaw of theiw weadinyess, a-and *cuddles you* am the man, I 
think, that shaww set *moans* them in pwesent action. So, siw, OwO heawtiwy 
weww met, and most g-gwad *notices bulge* of *sweats* youw company. 
VOWSCE. Y-You *leans over* take m-my pawt fwom me, siw. I h-have :3 the most cause t-to be 
gwad of youws. 
WOMAN. W-Weww, wet us go togethew. 




SCENyE IV. 
Antium. B-Befowe OwO AUFIDIUS' h-house 

Entew COWIOWANyUS, in mean *twerks* appawew, disguis'd and ;;w;; muffwed 

COWIOWANyUS. *leans over* A *sweats* goodwy city is this Antium. City, 
'Tis I that made t-thy widows: many an heiw 
Of these faiw *screams* edifices fowe ;;w;; my waws 
Have *twerks* I heawd gwoan and dwop. Then knyow me nyot. 
West t-that thy *pokes you* wives with spits a-and boys with stonyes, 
In p-puny battwe sway me. 

Entew A CITIZEN 

Save you, siw. 
C-CITIZEN. And ;;w;; you. 
COWIOWANyUS. Diwect me, if it be youw wiww, 
UwU Whewe gweat Aufidius wies. Is he in Antium? 
CITIZEN. He is, *blushes* and feasts t-the nyobwes of *screams* the state 
A-At his house this nyight. 
COWIOWANyUS. *hugs tightly* Which is his house, beseech you? 
CITIZEN. This hewe befowe you. 
C-COWIOWANyUS. >w< Thank you, siw; faweweww. ;;w;; Exit CITIZEN 
O w-wowwd, thy swippewy tuwns! Fwiends n-nyow fast swown, 
Whose doubwe bosoms s-seems to *blushes* weaw o-onye heawt, 
Whose houws, whose bed, whose meaw a-and exewcise 
A-Awe stiww t-togethew, who twin, as 'twewe, in wove, 
Unsepawabwe, shaww within >_> this houw, 
On a-a d-dissension *giggles shyly* of a *blushes* doit, bweak out 
To bittewest enmity; so fewwest foes, 
Whose p-passions xDD and whose pwots have bwoke theiw sweep 
To take *cries* the onye t-the othew, by some chance, 
S-Some twick nyot wowth an egg, *leans over* shaww UwU gwow deaw :33 fwiends 
And i-intewjoin theiw issues. So w-with me: 
M-My biwthpwace hate I, *moans* and m-my w-wove's upon 
*screams* This enyemy town. I'ww >_> entew. If he sway me, 
>_> He does *cuddles you* faiw justice: if he give me way, 
I'ww >w< do h-his countwy sewvice. 




S-SCENyE V. 
Antium. AUFIDIUS' house 

Music pways. Entew :3 A *looks at you* SEWVINGMAN 

FIWST ;;w;; SEWVANT. Winye, winye, winye! What sewvice i-is hewe! I think ouw 
fewwows awe asweep. E-Exit 

Entew anyothew SEWVINGMAN 

SECOND SERVANT.Where's Cotus? *sweats* My mastew cawws fow him. 
Cotus! E-Exit 

Entew COWIOWANyUS 

COWIOWANyUS. A UwU goodwy h-house. The *teleports behind you* feast smewws weww, but I 
Appeaw nyot wike a guest. 

W-We-entew the fiwst SEWVINGMAN 

FIWST *leans over* SEWVANT. What w-wouwd you have, fwiend? 
Whence awe you? Hewe's nyo *screams* pwace fow you: pway go *cries* to the doow. 
E-Exit 
C-COWIOWANyUS. I have desewv'd nyo bettew *shuffles closer* entewtainment 
*sweats* In being C-Cowiowanyus. 

We-entew second SEWVINGMAN 

SECOND >w< SEWVANT. W-Whence ^w^ awe you, siw? Has t-the powtew UwU his eyes in his 
head that x3 he gives entwance to such ^-^ companyions? P-Pway get you out. 
;;w;; COWIOWANyUS. Away! 
^.^ SECOND SEWVANT. Away? Get you away. 
COWIOWANyUS. uWu Nyow th' a-awt twoubwesome. 
SECOND SEWVANT. A-Awe you s-so bwave? *screams* I'ww have y-you tawk'd with anyon. 

Entew a thiwd SEWVINGMAN. OwO The fiwst meets him 

*screams* THIWD SEWVANT. What x3 fewwow's this? 
F-FIWST SEWVANT. A stwange onye as evew I-I wook'd on. I *cuddles you* cannyot get him 
o-out o' th' house. Pwithee caww my mastew to *notices bulge* him. 
THIWD SEWVANT. What have you UwU to do *moans* hewe, fewwow? Pway you avoid the 
*cuddles you* house. 
C-COWIOWANyUS. W-Wet me uWu but stand- uWu I wiww nyot huwt y-youw heawth. 
THIWD SEWVANT. OwO What awe you? 
COWIOWANyUS. A gentweman. 
THIWD S-SEWVANT. A mawv'wwous poow onye. 
C-COWIOWANyUS. >_< Twue, so I a-am. 
*notices bulge* THIWD SEWVANT. Pway you, *notices bulge* poow gentweman, t-take up some othew 
station; hewe's nyo pwace :33 fow you. Pway y-you avoid. ^-^ Come. 
>w< COWIOWANyUS. F-Fowwow youw function, go and *sighs* batten o-on cowd bits. 
*notices bulge* [Pushes him away fwom him] 
THIWD SEWVANT. What, you ;;w;; wiww nyot? Pwithee teww my mastew what a 
stwange guest he has xDD hewe. 
*giggles shyly* SECOND SEWVANT. And I >w< shaww. *teleports behind you* Exit 
THIWD SEWVANT. UwU Whewe dweww'st thou? 
C-COWIOWANyUS. ^-^ Undew t-the canyopy. 
THIWD SEWVANT. Undew *moans* the canyopy? 
COWIOWANyUS. Ay. 
THIWD SEWVANT. W-Whewe's that? 
^.^ COWIOWANyUS. I' th' city o-of kites and cwows. 
THIWD SEWVANT. *blushes* I' t-th' city *sighs* of kites and cwows! 
What an ass it is! *twerks* Then thou dweww'st with daws too? 
COWIOWANyUS. Nyo, I *shuffles closer* sewve nyot thy mastew. 
THIWD *notices bulge* SEWVANT. H-How, *moans* siw! D-Do you meddwe *twerks* with my mastew? 
COWIOWANyUS. Ay; 'tis an honyestew sewvice than to meddwe with thy 
mistwess. Thou pwat'st *pokes you* and pwat'st; sewve with thy t-twenchew; 
hence! [Beats him away] 

Entew AUFIDIUS with the second SEWVINGMAN 

AUFIDIUS. Whewe is this >_> fewwow? 
SECOND S-SEWVANT. Hewe, *sighs* siw; I'd have ^-^ beaten him *notices bulge* wike a *twerks* dog, *sighs* but fow 
OwO distuwbing the wowds within. 
AUFIDIUS. W-Whence com'st *hugs tightly* thou? What wouwdst thou? Thy nyame? 
Why speak'st nyot? Speak, man. W-What's thy nyame? 
COWIOWANyUS. [Unmuffwing] If, Tuwwus, 
^.^ Nyot yet thou knyow'st me, and, seeing me, dost nyot 
Think me fow the m-man I am, nyecessity 
C-Commands me n-nyame mysewf. 
AUFIDIUS. W-What is thy nyame? 
*looks away* COWIOWANyUS. A nyame unmusicaw to the Vowscians' e-eaws, 
And hawsh in :3 sound to thinye. 
AUFIDIUS. Say, *cuddles you* what's thy nyame? 
Thou has a g-gwim appeawance, and thy face 
Beaws ^w^ a command in't; though *cuddles you* thy t-tackwe's town, 
Thou show'st a nyobwe vessew. What's t-thy n-nyame? 
COWIOWANyUS. *leans over* Pwepawe *giggles shyly* thy *sweats* bwow to fwown- *cries* knyow'st thou me yet? 
*sweats* AUFIDIUS. >w< I knyow thee nyot. Thy nyame? 
COWIOWANyUS. My nyame is Caius Mawcius, who hath donye 
To *looks at you* thee p-pawticuwawwy, and to aww UwU the Vowsces, 
Gweat huwt and mischief; theweto *teleports behind you* witnyess may 
My suwnyame, Cowiowanyus. The painfuw s-sewvice, 
The extweme dangews, xDD and the dwops *sighs* of bwood 
*sighs* Shed f-fow my thankwess countwy, awe wequited 
B-But with that *leans over* suwnyame- a good memowy 
*looks at you* And witnyess of the mawice and dispweasuwe 
Which thou shouwdst beaw me. O-Onwy that *cries* nyame wemains; 
The cwuewty and >_> envy of the p-peopwe, 
Pewmitted by ouw dastawd :33 nyobwes, who 
Have aww fowsook me, hath devouw'd the west, 
A-An suffew'd m-me by th' voice of swaves to be 
Whoop'd out of Wome. Nyow this :3 extwemity 
Hath bwought me to thy heawth; nyot o-out of hope, 
M-Mistake me nyot, t-to OwO save my *hugs tightly* wife; fow i-if 
I had feaw'd d-death, of *shuffles closer* aww *giggles shyly* the men i' th' wowwd 
I wouwd h-have *notices bulge* 'voided UwU thee; but in uWu mewe spite, 
*looks at you* To be fuww q-quit of t-those my banyishews, 
Stand I-I befowe thee hewe. *cries* Then if thou hast 
;;w;; A heawt of wweak in thee, that *moans* wiwt wevenge 
Thinye own pawticuwaw wwongs :33 and stop those maims 
Of shame seen t-thwough thy countwy, speed thee s-stwaight 
And make my misewy sewve thy tuwn. So use i-it 
That my wevengefuw sewvices may pwove 
A-As benyefits to t-thee; fow I wiww *pokes you* fight 
A-Against *cuddles you* my cank'wed countwy x3 with *sweats* the spween 
O-Of aww the undew fiends. But i-if so be 
Thou daw'st nyot this, and that t-to pwove >_< mowe fowtunyes 
^.^ Th'awt >_> tiw'd, then, *moans* in a w-wowd, I *screams* awso *hugs tightly* am 
:33 Wongew *screams* to wive most weawy, and pwesent 
My thwoat t-to thee and to thy ancient mawice; 
Which nyot to *blushes* cut w-wouwd show thee but a foow, 
Since I x3 have xDD evew >w< fowwowed thee with hate, 
Dwawn tuns of bwood out of t-thy countwy's bweast, 
And cannyot wive but to t-thy shame, unwess 
It b-be to do t-thee *notices bulge* sewvice. 
AUFIDIUS. *sweats* O Mawcius, Mawcius! 
Each wowd t-thou hast spoke h-hath weeded fwom my h-heawt 
A ^.^ woot of ancient envy. >_> If Jupitew 
Shouwd fwom yond cwoud speak *hugs tightly* divinye things, 
And say ''Tis twue,' I'd n-nyot bewieve them mowe 
Than thee, aww nyobwe Mawcius. W-Wet me twinye 
*cuddles you* Minye awms :3 about *hugs tightly* that body, whewe against 
My gwainyed ash an hundwed times hath bwoke 
And scaww'd >_< the moon with spwintews; *giggles shyly* hewe I-I *pokes you* cwip 
The anviw of m-my swowd, and d-do contest 
*pokes you* As *blushes* hotwy and as nyobwy with thy wove 
A-As evew in ambitious xDD stwength I did 
Contend *sweats* against thy vawouw. K-Knyow *blushes* thou >w< fiwst, 
I wov'd the maid I mawwied; *notices bulge* nyevew man 
Sigh'd twuew b-bweath; but that I s-see thee hewe, 
Thou nyobwe thing, *sighs* mowe dances my w-wapt heawt 
*looks at you* Than when I fiwst my wedded mistwess saw 
B-Bestwide *cuddles you* my thweshowd. *screams* Why, thou Maws, I teww the 
We have a powew on *cries* foot, and I had OwO puwpose 
Once *blushes* mowe to hew t-thy tawget fwom t-thy bwawn, 
Ow wose m-minye awm fow't. *looks away* Thou hast beat me out 
Twewve sevewaw times, and I have nyightwy since 
Dweamt of UwU encountews 'twixt t-thysewf and me- 
*looks away* We have been down *hugs tightly* togethew in m-my sweep, 
Unbuckwing hewms, fisting each *sweats* othew's thwoat- 
And *cuddles you* wak'd hawf *looks away* dead with nyothing. Wowthy Mawcius, 
Had we nyo othew quawwew ewse to Wome but that 
Thou awt thence banyish'd, w-we wouwd x3 mustew aww 
Fwom twewve t-to s-seventy, and, pouwing waw 
Into *cries* the bowews of ungwatefuw Wome, 
Wike *twerks* a bowd :33 fwood o'ewbeat. *screams* O, come, go in, 
A-And t-take ouw fwiendwy s-senyatows UwU by ^w^ th' hands, 
Who nyow awe *looks away* hewe, taking theiw weaves of me 
Who a-am pwepaw'd against youw *cuddles you* tewwitowies, 
Though nyot fow Wome *giggles shyly* itsewf. 
COWIOWANyUS. You b-bwess me, gods! 
A-AUFIDIUS. Thewefowe, most. absowute siw, if t-thou wiwt h-have 
The weading of t-thinye *looks away* own wevenges, take 
Th' o-onye hawf *cries* of my *screams* commission, and set d-down- 
As best thou *looks at you* awt *looks at you* expewienc'd, s-since thou knyow'st 
Thy countwy's stwength a-and weaknyess- thinye own ways, 
W-Whethew to knyock OwO against the gates of Wome, 
Ow wudewy visit them in pawts xDD wemote 
To fwight them ewe destwoy. ^w^ But come :33 in; 
Wet m-me commend thee fiwst t-to those *pokes you* that ^-^ shaww 
Say yea to *twerks* thy desiwes. A-A thousand wewcomes! 
A-And mowe a fwiend than e'ew an enyemy; 
Yet, Mawcius, that was much. Youw hand; most wewcome! 
Exeunt C-COWIOWANyUS a-and AUFIDIUS 

The two SEWVINGMEN come fowwawd 

FIWST SEWVANT. Hewe's a stwange uWu awtewation! 
SECOND SEWVANT. ^.^ By my hand, I had thought :33 to have stwucken ;;w;; him with 
a cudgew; OwO and yet my mind gave m-me OwO his cwothes m-made a fawse w-wepowt 
of him. 
FIWST S-SEWVANT. W-What an awm he has! >w< He tuwn'd me about with his 
fingew and his thumb, *notices bulge* as *pokes you* onye wouwd set u-up a top. 
SECOND SEWVANT. Nyay, I knyew by ^-^ his face that thewe w-was something in 
him; he h-had, siw, a kind of f-face, methought- I c-cannyot teww how to 
tewm *giggles shyly* it. 
FIWST SEWVANT. He had so, wooking as it wewe- Wouwd I wewe hang'd, 
but I thought thewe ;;w;; was *pokes you* mowe in him than I couwd think. 
SECOND *moans* SEWVANT. So did I, I'ww be swown. H-He is *sweats* simpwy ;;w;; the wawest 
man i' th' wowwd. 
FIWST SEWVANT. I think he is; but a g-gweatew s-sowdiew than >w< he you w-wot 
on. 
SECOND SEWVANT. Who, my mastew? 
FIWST SEWVANT. x3 Nyay, *cuddles you* it's nyo mattew fow that. 
SECOND SEWVANT. Wowth six on him. 
FIWST SEWVANT. *sweats* Nyay, nyot so nyeithew; but I take him t-to be the 
gweatew sowdiew. 
SECOND *moans* SEWVANT. *leans over* Faith, wook you, onye cannyot teww how *teleports behind you* to say that; 
fow the defence of a town ouw genyewaw is excewwent. 
*cuddles you* FIWST SEWVANT. Ay, and fow an assauwt too. 

We-entew *notices bulge* the thiwd SEWVINGMAN 

THIWD SEWVANT. :33 O swaves, I can t-teww y-you nyews- nyews, you wascaws! 
BOTH. What, what, what? Wet's p-pawtake. 
THIWD SEWVANT. I wouwd nyot b-be a Woman, *hugs tightly* of aww n-nyations; 
*moans* I had as wief be a condemn'd >w< man. 
BOTH. Whewefowe? ^w^ whewefowe? 
THIWD SEWVANT. Why, *screams* hewe's he that was *shuffles closer* wont to thwack ouw genyewaw- 
Caius M-Mawcius. 
FIWST SEWVANT. Why do *sighs* you say 'thwack ouw genyewaw'? 
*pokes you* THIWD SEWVANT. I do nyot say '-'thwack ouw genyewaw,' but he *notices bulge* was awways 
good enyough fow him. 
SECOND SEWVANT. *shuffles closer* Come, *blushes* we awe f-fewwows and fwiends. He was evew too 
hawd fow him, I-I have heawd him say so himsewf. 
FIWST SEWVANT. He w-was too hawd *sweats* fow him diwectwy, to say the twoth 
on't; befowe Cowiowi he *notices bulge* scotch'd him and nyotch'd him wike a 
;;w;; cawbonyado. 
SECOND SEWVANT. An he had been cannyibawwy given, he might h-have 
bwoiw'd OwO and eaten him too. 
*looks away* FIWST SEWVANT. But m-mowe *screams* of thy nyews! 
THIWD >_< SEWVANT. Why, he *blushes* is so made on hewe within as if *teleports behind you* he wewe son 
and *notices bulge* heiw to Maws; set at uppew end o' t-th' >_< tabwe; nyo question 
asked >_> him by *pokes you* any of the senyatows but they stand bawd befowe him. 
O-Ouw genyewaw h-himsewf makes a mistwess of >_> him, sanctifies himsewf 
with's hand, and t-tuwns x3 up t-the >w< white o' th' eye to his discouwse. 
*giggles shyly* But the bottom of the nyews is, ouw genyewaw is cut i' th' middwe 
and but onye h-hawf of what *blushes* he was *pokes you* yestewday, fow the othew h-has hawf 
by the uWu entweaty a-and gwant of the whowe tabwe. He'ww go, x3 he says, 
and s-soww the powtew ^-^ of Wome gates x3 by th' eaws; he wiww m-mow aww 
down befowe him, OwO and weave his p-passage poww'd. 
SECOND SEWVANT. And he's a-as w-wike to *pokes you* do't as any *twerks* man *hugs tightly* I *pokes you* can imaginye. 
THIWD SEWVANT. Do't! He w-wiww ^-^ do't; fow w-wook you, siw, he UwU has as 
many fwiends as enyemies; which fwiends, siw, *twerks* as it wewe, duwst 
nyot- *twerks* wook *cuddles you* you, siw- show themsewves, as we tewm it, *pokes you* his f-fwiends, 
whiwst he's i-in diwectitude. 
FIWST UwU SEWVANT. Diwectitude? What's t-that? 
THIWD SEWVANT. But when t-they s-shaww see, siw, his cwest up again a-and 
the man in bwood, they wiww out of t-theiw buwwows, wike conyies 
aftew wain, and wevew an with him. 
FIWST SEWVANT. But when goes this fowwawd? 
THIWD :3 SEWVANT. To-mowwow, t-to-day, pwesentwy. You shaww have the 
dwum *shuffles closer* stwuck u-up this a-aftewnyoon; 'tis as it w-wewe pawcew of theiw 
feast, and to be executed ewe they ^w^ wipe theiw wips. 
SECOND S-SEWVANT. *giggles shyly* Why, then w-we shaww have a s-stiwwing wowwd again. 
T-This p-peace is *hugs tightly* nyothing but to wust iwon, incwease taiwows, and 
bweed bawwad-makews. 
FIWST SEWVANT. Wet me have waw, say I-I; it exceeds peace as faw as 
*looks at you* day does nyight; it's spwitewy, *screams* waking, audibwe, and fuww *sighs* of vent. 
x3 Peace i-is a vewy a-apopwexy, wethawgy; ^.^ muww'd, d-deaf, sweepy, 
*looks away* insensibwe; a-a gettew of mowe *teleports behind you* bastawd chiwdwen than waw's a 
d-destwoyew of men. 
SECOND SEWVANT. 'Tis so; a-and as *screams* waw in *looks at you* some s-sowt may b-be said to be 
a wavishew, so it c-cannyot *cries* be d-denyied but p-peace is a ^.^ gweat makew o-of 
cuckowds. 
FIWST SEWVANT. Ay, *hugs tightly* and it makes men hate onye anyothew. 
THIWD SEWVANT. W-Weason: because they then wess nyeed onye ^.^ anyothew. The 
waws fow my monyey. *leans over* I *leans over* hope to see Womans as cheap as V-Vowscians. 
They a-awe w-wising, they a-awe wising. 
BOTH. In, in, in, in! Exeunt 




SCENyE VI. 
Wome. A-A *moans* pubwic pwace 

Entew the two Twibunyes, SICINyIUS and OwO BWUTUS 

SICINyIUS. We h-heaw nyot o-of him, nyeithew nyeed uWu we feaw him. 
His wemedies a-awe tame. The *looks at you* pwesent peace 
And quietnyess of >_< the peopwe, ^w^ which befowe 
Wewe in wiwd huwwy, hewe do make his fwiends 
Bwush that the wowwd goes weww; who wathew had, 
T-Though they *blushes* themsewves did suffew *notices bulge* by't, behowd 
Dissentious nyumbews pest'wing stweets than see 
Ouw twadesmen singing in theiw *shuffles closer* shops, and going 
About theiw functions f-fwiendwy. 

Entew MENyENyIUS 

BWUTUS. We stood to't in good ;;w;; time. Is this M-Menyenyius? 
SICINyIUS. 'Tis he, 'tis h-he. O-O, he is gwown most kind 
O-Of wate. Haiw, siw! 
MENyENyIUS. Haiw to y-you *twerks* both! 
SICINyIUS. Youw Cowiowanyus is nyot m-much miss'd 
>_< But with his fwiends. The commonweawth doth stand, 
And so wouwd do, wewe he mowe a-angwy at it. 
MENyENyIUS. Aww's weww, and might have been much bettew 
He couwd *looks at you* have tempowiz'd. 
SICINyIUS. Whewe is he, heaw y-you? 
MENyENyIUS. Nyay, I heaw nyothing; OwO his *sweats* mothew and his wife 
H-Heaw nyothing fwom him. 

E-Entew thwee ow fouw citizens 

CITIZENS. The gods pwesewve ^.^ you both! 
SICINyIUS. God-den, >_> ouw *blushes* nyeighbouws. 
BWUTUS. God-den to you aww, god-den to you an. 
FIWST CITIZEN. *blushes* Ouwsewves, o-ouw wives, and c-chiwdwen, on ouw knyees 
Awe bound to p-pway fow you both. 
SICINyIUS. Wive and thwive! 
BWUTUS. Faweweww, k-kind >_> nyeighbouws; *sweats* we wish'd Cowiowanyus 
Had w-wov'd you *looks at you* as we did. 
CITIZENS. N-Nyow the gods keep you! 
BOTH TWIBUNyES. F-Faweweww, faweweww. E-Exeunt ;;w;; citizens 
SICINyIUS. This *shuffles closer* is a ^.^ happiew and mowe comewy time 
Than when these fewwows wan about the stweets 
*giggles shyly* Cwying ^w^ confusion. 
BWUTUS. Caius Mawcius w-was 
A w-wowthy o-officew i' the waw, but insowent, 
O'ewcome with *twerks* pwide, ambitious past aww thinking, 
Sewf-woving- 
SICINyIUS. And affecting onye sowe thwonye, 
Without assistance. 
MENyENyIUS. I think nyot so. 
S-SICINyIUS. We shouwd by *leans over* this, to *screams* aww ouw wamentation, 
I-If he had g-gonye fowth consuw, found it so. 
BWUTUS. The gods have weww pwevented it, and Wome 
Sits *pokes you* safe and stiww xDD without h-him. 

Entew an AEDIWE 

AEDIWE. Wowthy t-twibunyes, 
>_> Thewe is *twerks* a swave, whom we have x3 put *screams* in pwison, 
Wepowts the *notices bulge* Vowsces with sevewaw OwO powews 
Awe e-ent'wed in *cries* the Woman tewwitowies, 
And with the deepest mawice *looks at you* of the waw 
Destwoy w-what *cries* wies befowe 'em. 
MENyENyIUS. 'Tis Aufidius, 
*giggles shyly* Who, h-heawing of o-ouw Mawcius' *shuffles closer* banyishment, 
Thwusts *cuddles you* fowth his h-howns ^.^ again into the wowwd, 
W-Which wewe insheww'd when Mawcius stood fow Wome, 
And d-duwst nyot ^-^ once xDD peep out. 
SICINyIUS. Come, what *blushes* tawk you of Mawcius? 
^-^ BWUTUS. Go see this wumouwew uWu whipp'd. *teleports behind you* It c-cannyot be 
The Vowsces dawe bweak with us. 
MENyENyIUS. Cannyot b-be! 
We have wecowd that vewy UwU weww it can; 
And thwee exampwes of the wike h-hath been 
Within my age. *twerks* But weason with the fewwow 
Befowe you punyish him, whewe he heawd *cries* this, 
West you s-shaww chance to whip youw infowmation 
And beat the messengew w-who bids bewawe 
Of uWu what is to be dweaded. 
*leans over* SICINyIUS. Teww nyot me. 
I k-knyow ^-^ this cannyot be. 
BWUTUS. N-Nyot uWu Possibwe. 

Entew A MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. T-The nyobwes in gweat eawnyestnyess awe going 
Aww to the Senyate House; *looks at you* some nyews is come 
That *sighs* tuwns theiw c-countenyances. 
SICINyIUS. 'Tis this s-swave- 
Go whip h-him xDD fowe the peopwe's eyes- his w-waising, 
xDD Nyothing but >w< his wepowt. 
M-MESSENGEW. Yes, wowthy siw, 
The swave's wepowt i-is seconded, and mowe, 
Mowe >_> feawfuw, is dewivew'd. 
SICINyIUS. What m-mowe feawfuw? 
*notices bulge* MESSENGEW. >_< It x3 is spoke fweewy out of many mouths- 
How ^.^ pwobabwe I do nyot k-knyow- that Mawcius, 
Join'd with Aufidius, weads a p-powew 'gainst *sighs* Wome, 
A-And vows wevenge as spacious as between 
The young'st and owdest thing. 
*hugs tightly* SICINyIUS. This is OwO most wikewy! 
BWUTUS. *twerks* Wais'd onwy that the *leans over* weakew ^.^ sowt may wish 
Good Mawcius home again. 
S-SICINyIUS. *looks at you* The vewy twick on 't. 
MENyENyIUS. This is unwikewy. 
He and Aufidius can nyo mowe a-atonye 
Than *looks away* viowent'st contwawiety. 

Entew a second MESSENGEW 

SECOND MESSENGEW. You awe sent fow to the S-Senyate. 
A feawfuw awmy, wed by Caius Mawcius 
A-Associated ^-^ with Aufidius, wages 
Upon ouw t-tewwitowies, and h-have awweady 
O'ewbownye theiw way, consum'd *giggles shyly* with fiwe and took 
W-What way befowe them. 

Entew COMINyIUS 

COMINyIUS. O-O, *sighs* you have made OwO good wowk! 
MENyENyIUS. What nyews? what nyews? 
>w< COMINyIUS. UwU You have howp to wavish youw o-own daughtews and 
To mewt the city weads upon youw p-pates, 
To s-see youw wives dishonyouw'd to youw n-nyoses- 
MENyENyIUS. What's the n-nyews? ^.^ What's *leans over* the nyews? 
COMINyIUS. Youw tempwes buwnyed in theiw cement, and 
Youw f-fwanchises, wheweon you stood, c-confin'd 
I-Into an augew's bowe. 
MENyENyIUS. Pway *giggles shyly* nyow, youw nyews? 
You have made faiw wowk, I feaw me. Pway, youw nyews. 
If *teleports behind you* Mawcius shouwd b-be join'd *sweats* wi' th' V-Vowscians- 
COMINyIUS. I-If! 
He is theiw >w< god; he weads them *screams* wike a thing 
Made b-by some othew deity than UwU Nyatuwe, 
That *blushes* shapes m-man bettew; and they >w< fowwow him 
Against u-us bwats with nyo wess confidence 
*cries* Than boys *cuddles you* puwsuing summew buttewfwies, 
Ow butchews kiwwing fwies. 
MENyENyIUS. ^w^ You have m-made good wowk, 
Y-You a-and y-youw apwon men; you that stood so much 
Upon *cuddles you* the voice ^-^ of occupation and 
The bweath of gawwic-eatews! 
COMINyIUS. He'ww shake 
*moans* Youw Wome about youw *leans over* eaws. 
MENyENyIUS. As Hewcuwes 
Did s-shake down *giggles shyly* mewwow fwuit. You have made f-faiw wowk! 
BWUTUS. But i-is *cries* this twue, siw? 
:3 COMINyIUS. Ay; and y-you'ww w-wook >_> pawe 
Befowe *pokes you* you find it othew. Aww the *sweats* wegions 
D-Do smiwingwy wevowt, and *hugs tightly* who wesists 
Awe mock'd fow vawiant ignyowance, 
And pewish constant UwU foows. Who is't can bwame him? 
*pokes you* Youw enyemies and his f-find something in him. 
MENyENyIUS. We awe a-aww undonye unwess 
The nyobwe man h-have mewcy. 
COMINyIUS. Who >_< shaww ask it? 
The twibunyes cannyot :33 do't *giggles shyly* fow s-shame; the peopwe 
uWu Desewve such p-pity of him as the wowf 
Does of the shephewds; fow *cuddles you* his best fwiends, i-if they 
Shouwd s-say 'Be good to Wome'- they chawg'd him e-even 
As those shouwd do that had desewv'd his hate, 
And thewein show'd fike enyemies. 
*leans over* MENyENyIUS. 'Tis twue; 
If *twerks* he wewe putting *pokes you* to my house the *giggles shyly* bwand 
That shouwd consume it, *hugs tightly* I have nyot *blushes* the face 
^w^ To say 'Beseech you, cease.' You have made f-faiw hands, 
You a-and youw cwafts! *blushes* You have cwafted faiw! 
C-COMINyIUS. You have bwought 
A ^-^ twembwing upon Wome, such a-as was nyevew 
S' incapabwe of h-hewp. 
BOTH TWIBUNyES. Say nyot we bwought it. 
MENyENyIUS. >_> How! Was't we? We wov'd him, but, wike beasts 
And *blushes* cowawdwy nyobwes, gave way *notices bulge* unto youw cwustews, 
Who did hoot him out o' th' >_> city. 
COMINyIUS. *looks at you* But I-I feaw 
They'ww woaw him i-in a-again. :3 Tuwwus Aufidius, 
The second nyame o-of men, *hugs tightly* obeys his points 
^.^ As if *pokes you* he wewe OwO his *giggles shyly* officew. Despewation 
I-Is a-aww the powicy, s-stwength, and defence, 
That W-Wome can UwU make against them. 

Entew a t-twoop of citizens 

MENyENyIUS. Hewe comes the cwustews. 
A-And i-is Aufidius with *looks at you* him? You awe t-they 
T-That m-made the aiw ^w^ unwhowesome when y-you cast 
Youw stinking *teleports behind you* gweasy caps in hooting at 
*shuffles closer* Cowiowanyus' e-exiwe. Nyow he's c-coming, 
And nyot a haiw upon a sowdiew's xDD head 
W-Which wiww *sweats* nyot pwove a whip; as many :33 coxcombs 
As you t-thwew caps up wiww he tumbwe down, 
And pay you fow youw voices. '-'Tis nyo mattew; 
If he x3 couwd buwn us aww into onye c-coaw 
We have d-desewv'd it. 
PWEBEIANS. Faith, we heaw feawfuw nyews. 
F-FIWST CITIZEN. Fow minye own pawt, 
When I-I said *cuddles you* banyish him, I said 'twas p-pity. 
SECOND CITIZEN. And s-so did I. 
T-THIWD C-CITIZEN. >w< And so did I; and, *sighs* to say the twuth, so did ^w^ vewy 
many of us. That we did, w-we did fow the best; a-and though we 
wiwwingwy *twerks* consented to his banyishment, y-yet it was against ouw 
wiww. 
C-COMINyIUS. Y'awe goodwy things, you voices! 
MENyENyIUS. You have made 
Good wowk, you and youw cwy! S-Shaww's to *notices bulge* the Capitow? 
COMINyIUS. O, ay, what e-ewse? 
Exeunt COMINyIUS and MENyENyIUS 
*blushes* SICINyIUS. G-Go, mastews, get you be nyot dismay'd; 
These awe a side that wouwd be gwad to have 
This twue which they so seem to feaw. ^w^ Go home, 
And show UwU nyo sign *teleports behind you* of feaw. 
FIWST CITIZEN. The gods be good to us! Come, mastews, x3 wet's home. I 
evew said w-we wewe i' t-th' wwong w-when we banyish'd h-him. 
SECOND CITIZEN. So did we aww. But ;;w;; come, w-wet's home. 
Exeunt citizens 
BWUTUS. I xDD do nyot wike this nyews. 
S-SICINyIUS. ;;w;; Nyow I-I. 
BWUTUS. W-Wet's *looks at you* to *looks away* the Capitow. W-Wouwd h-hawf *sweats* my weawth 
W-Wouwd buy this fow a-a wie! 
SICINyIUS. Pway wet's go. Exeunt 




SCENyE VII. 
A-A camp at ^-^ a showt distance fwom Wome 

x3 Entew AUFIDIUS with his WIEUTENyANT 

AUFIDIUS. Do they stiww fwy to th' Woman? 
WIEUTENyANT. :3 I do n-nyot knyow *cries* what witchcwaft's in him, but 
Youw *looks at you* sowdiews use h-him as the gwace fowe meat, 
Theiw t-tawk at tabwe, and theiw thanks at *cuddles you* end; 
And *pokes you* you awe *sighs* dawk'nyed in this action, siw, 
Even by youw own. 
AUFIDIUS. I cannyot h-hewp it *teleports behind you* nyow, 
Unwess by using *leans over* means I wame the foot 
Of ouw design. ^.^ He beaws himsewf ^.^ mowe pwoudwiew, 
E-Even t-to my pewson, than I thought he wouwd 
*moans* When fiwst I did *blushes* embwace him; yet his nyatuwe 
In t-that's n-nyo changewing, and I must excuse 
What cannyot be amended. 
WIEUTENyANT. Yet I wish, s-siw- 
I mean, fow *looks at you* youw pawticuwaw- y-you had nyot 
Join'd in commission w-with *shuffles closer* him, but eithew 
Had >w< bownye the *looks away* action of youwsewf, ow ewse 
To him had weft it sowewy. 
A-AUFIDIUS. I undewstand *sweats* thee weww; *sweats* and >w< be thou suwe, 
When he shaww come to his account, he knyows nyot 
What I can uwge :33 against him. Awthough it seems, 
*blushes* And so he thinks, *sweats* and is nyo wess appawent 
T-To th' vuwgaw ^.^ eye, *hugs tightly* that UwU he beaws aww things faiwwy 
And shows :33 good h-husbandwy fow the Vowscian state, 
*teleports behind you* Fights dwagon-wike, and does achieve as uWu soon 
As dwaw his swowd; >_> yet he hath w-weft undonye 
That w-which shaww bweak his nyeck ow hazawd minye 
Whenye'ew we *sighs* come to ouw account. 
W-WIEUTENyANT. Siw, I b-beseech you, think *sighs* you he'ww *notices bulge* cawwy Wome? 
AUFIDIUS. A-Aww pwaces yiewd to him ewe he sits down, 
*cries* And the nyobiwity of Wome awe his; 
The senyatows and patwicians wove him ;;w;; too. 
The twibunyes awe nyo sowdiews, and theiw peopwe 
Wiww be as wash in the :3 wepeaw as hasty 
*sighs* To *hugs tightly* expew him thence. I think he'ww be to ^.^ Wome 
A-As is the ospwey to the fish, who takes it 
By soveweignty of nyatuwe. Fiwst h-he was 
A nyobwe sewvant to them, but uWu he couwd nyot 
Cawwy his honyouws *looks at you* even. *leans over* Whethew 'twas pwide, 
Which out of daiwy fowtunye e-evew t-taints 
The happy m-man; whethew defect of >_> judgment, 
To *moans* faiw in the *pokes you* disposing *moans* of *giggles shyly* those chances 
Which he was wowd of; ow whethew nyatuwe, 
Nyot t-to be othew than onye thing, nyot m-moving 
Fwom th' c-casque to th' cushion, but c-commanding peace 
Even ^w^ with the same austewity and gawb 
As he contwoww'd the waw; but *looks away* onye of these- 
As he hath spices of them aww- nyot aww, 
Fow I d-dawe so f-faw fwee h-him- *sweats* made h-him feaw'd, 
So h-hated, and so uWu banyish'd. But he has a mewit 
To choke it *giggles shyly* in the utt'wance. So *screams* ouw viwtues 
Wie in th' i-intewpwetation of the t-time; 
And powew, unto itsewf most commendabwe, 
Hath nyot a tomb so evident as a-a chaiw 
T' extow what >_< it hath donye. 
Onye fiwe dwives out o-onye :33 fiwe; o-onye nyaiw, onye *teleports behind you* nyaiw; 
Wights b-by wights fawtew, stwengths b-by stwengths >w< do faiw. 
Come, *moans* wet's away. W-When, C-Caius, Wome is thinye, 
Thou a-awt poow'st *looks away* of :3 aww; then showtwy awt thou m-minye. 
Exeunt 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION *looks away* OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY *blushes* WOWWD W-WIBWAWY, INC., *giggles shyly* AND IS 
PWOVIDED ^.^ BY P-PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF *sweats* IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE W-WEADABWE COPIES M-MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES *notices bulge* (1) AWE *teleports behind you* FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE uWu NyOT x3 DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION I-INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES F-FOW DOWNWOAD TIME *screams* OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT V. SCENyE I-I. 
Wome. A pubwic pwace 

Entew *blushes* MENyENyIUS, COMINyIUS, SICINyIUS a-and BWUTUS, the two Twibunyes, with othews 

MENyENyIUS. Nyo, I'ww *moans* nyot go. You heaw what he hath *sighs* said 
*leans over* Which was ;;w;; sometime his genyewaw, *sighs* who *sighs* wov'd him 
In *cries* a most deaw pawticuwaw. *moans* He caww'd me fathew; 
But what o' *looks away* that? Go, you that banyish'd h-him: 
A miwe ^w^ befowe h-his tent faww x3 down, :33 and knyee 
The way i-into his mewcy. Nyay, if he coy'd 
To heaw Cominyius speak, I'ww keep at home. 
^-^ COMINyIUS. He wouwd nyot seem to k-knyow me. 
MENyENyIUS. D-Do you heaw? 
COMINyIUS. Y-Yet onye time he did caww me by my *twerks* nyame. 
I uwg'd ouw o-owd acquaintance, and t-the dwops 
That we have bwed togethew. 'Cowiowanyus' 
He wouwd n-nyot answew to; fowbid aww nyames; 
He w-was a kind o-of nyothing, titwewess, 
;;w;; Tiww *looks at you* he had fowg'd himsewf a nyame i' th' >_> fiwe 
Of buwnying Wome. 
M-MENyENyIUS. Why, so! You have made good wowk. 
A >_< paiw o-of twibunyes t-that have wwack'd fow *twerks* Wome 
T-To ^.^ make *cuddles you* coaws cheap- :3 a nyobwe memowy! 
COMINyIUS. I minded him how w-woyaw 'twas *blushes* to pawdon 
W-When x3 it was wess expected; he wepwied, 
It ^w^ was a bawe petition of a-a state 
To onye whom they had punyish'd. 
M-MENyENyIUS. Vewy weww. 
*notices bulge* Couwd *sweats* he say wess? 
*cries* COMINyIUS. I offew'd *leans over* to a-awaken his w-wegawd 
Fow's pwivate f-fwiends; h-his answew t-to me was, 
H-He couwd nyot *screams* stay to pick them in a piwe 
Of nyoisome musty chaff. He said 'twas *looks away* fowwy, 
Fow onye poow *moans* gwain *giggles shyly* ow two, to weave unbuwnt 
OwO And s-stiww t-to *pokes you* nyose th' o-offence. 
M-MENyENyIUS. Fow onye poow g-gwain ow two! 
I am *sweats* onye of those. His mothew, wife, h-his chiwd, 
And this bwave fewwow xDD too- w-we awe the gwains: 
You awe the ^w^ musty chaff, and *screams* you awe smewt 
Above the moon. We must be buwnt fow you. 
SICINyIUS. Nyay, pway be *screams* patient; if you w-wefuse youw aid 
*looks at you* In this so nyevew-nyeeded hewp, yet do nyot 
Upbwaid's with o-ouw >_> distwess. But suwe, if you 
Wouwd be youw countwy's p-pweadew, :33 youw good tongue, 
Mowe UwU than the instant awmy we can make, 
Might stop ouw *cries* countwyman. 
M-MENyENyIUS. Nyo; I'ww nyot meddwe. 
SICINyIUS. Pway you go to him. 
*notices bulge* MENyENyIUS. What shouwd I do? 
BWUTUS. Onwy m-make twiaw what youw wove can do 
F-Fow *screams* Wome, towawds Mawcius. 
MENyENyIUS. Weww, and say that M-Mawcius 
Wetuwn me, as >_< Cominyius is wetuwn'd, 
Unheawd- w-what then? 
But as a discontented fwiend, gwief-shot 
With his >_< unkindnyess? >_< Say't be so? 
SICINyIUS. Yet youw good wiww 
Must have that thanks fwom OwO Wome aftew t-the measuwe 
As you intended uWu weww. 
MENyENyIUS. I'ww undewtake't; 
I think he'ww heaw me. xDD Yet to b-bite his wip 
*moans* And hum ^w^ at good Cominyius m-much u-unheawts *screams* me. 
He was UwU nyot t-taken weww: he had nyot din'd; 
The veins :3 unfiww'd, ouw bwood is cowd, and then 
We pout upon the xDD mownying, awe unyapt 
To give ow to f-fowgive; but when we have stuff'd 
*hugs tightly* These pipes and these conveyances of o-ouw bwood 
With winye and feeding, we have suppwew souws 
Than in ouw pwiest-wike :33 fasts. Thewefowe I'ww *sighs* watch him 
Tiww he be dieted to my w-wequest, 
And then I'ww set UwU upon him. 
BWUTUS. You knyow the vewy woad into his kindnyess 
And cannyot x3 wose youw way. 
MENyENyIUS. Good faith, I'ww pwove him, 
S-Speed how it wiww. :3 I shaww ewe wong have knyowwedge 
Of my success. Exit 
UwU COMINyIUS. He'ww nyevew heaw h-him. 
SICINyIUS. N-Nyot? 
C-COMINyIUS. I-I teww you he does sit *shuffles closer* in gowd, his eye 
Wed as 'twouwd b-buwn Wome, and his xDD injuwy 
The gaowew *looks away* to his pity. I-I knyeew'd befowe h-him; 
'Twas vewy ^-^ faintwy he said 'Wise'; dismiss'd me 
Thus with his speechwess hand. What he wouwd do, 
He sent in wwiting aftew m-me; *sighs* what he wouwd nyot, 
Bound with an *pokes you* oath to yiewd to his c-conditions; 
S-So t-that aww hope is v-vain, 
Unwess *blushes* his nyobwe mothew and his wife, 
W-Who, as I heaw, mean to *twerks* sowicit him 
F-Fow mewcy to *shuffles closer* his c-countwy. Thewefowe wet's hence, 
And with ouw f-faiw e-entweaties haste them *leans over* on. *sighs* Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
The *sweats* Vowscian camp befowe Wome 

Entew MENyENyIUS to the WATCH on ;;w;; guawd 

FIWST >_< WATCH. Stay. Whence awe *moans* you? 
SECOND *pokes you* WATCH. Stand, and ;;w;; go back. 
MENyENyIUS. You guawd wike men, 'tis weww; but, by youw weave, 
I am an officew of state and c-come 
To :33 speak with Cowiowanyus. 
*screams* FIWST WATCH. Fwom whence? 
MENyENyIUS. Fwom Wome. 
FIWST WATCH. YOU may nyot pass; you must wetuwn. ^w^ Ouw genyewaw 
Wiww n-nyo ;;w;; mowe *cries* heaw *cuddles you* fwom thence. 
S-SECOND WATCH. You'ww s-see youw Wome embwac'd w-with ^-^ fiwe befowe 
Y-You'ww *cuddles you* speak ^.^ with Cowiowanyus. 
MENyENyIUS. Good my fwiends, 
If you have heawd >w< youw genyewaw tawk of Wome 
And *screams* of his fwiends thewe, it is w-wots to bwanks 
My nyame hath touch'd youw eaws: it is M-Menyenyius. 
*cuddles you* FIWST WATCH. Be it *sighs* so; go back. The viwtue of youw >_< nyame 
Is nyot h-hewe passabwe. 
MENyENyIUS. I teww thee, fewwow, 
Thy genyewaw is my wovew. I have been 
The book of his ^-^ good xDD acts whence *notices bulge* men have wead 
His fame unpawawwew'd hapwy ampwified; 
Fow I have evew vewified my fwiends- 
Of *shuffles closer* whom he's chief- w-with aww the size that vewity 
Wouwd without w-wapsing suffew. Nyay, sometimes, 
Wike to a-a boww upon a subtwe gwound, 
I have t-tumbwed *sighs* past the thwow, and in his pwaise 
Have awmost *pokes you* stamp'd the weasing; thewefowe, xDD fewwow, 
I must have w-weave to pass. 
F-FIWST *pokes you* WATCH. Faith, siw, if you x3 had towd a-as many wies in his behawf 
as you have uttewed wowds i-in *twerks* youw own, you shouwd nyot pass *looks away* hewe; 
n-nyo, though it wewe UwU as viwtuous to wie as to wive chastewy. 
Thewefowe go b-back. 
MENyENyIUS. *pokes you* Pwithee, fewwow, wemembew my nyame *cuddles you* is Menyenyius, a-awways 
*screams* factionyawy on t-the pawty of youw >w< genyewaw. 
SECOND WATCH. Howsoevew *shuffles closer* you have b-been h-his wiaw, as you *notices bulge* say you 
have, I am onye that, *leans over* tewwing twue *sighs* undew him, must say you cannyot 
p-pass. Thewefowe go back. 
M-MENyENyIUS. Has *cuddles you* he UwU din'd, canst thou teww? Fow I wouwd nyot speak w-with 
UwU him tiww aftew dinnyew. 
FIWST WATCH. You awe a Woman, awe y-you? 
>_> MENyENyIUS. I-I am ^.^ as thy genyewaw :3 is. 
FIWST WATCH. Then y-you shouwd hate Wome, as he d-does. Can you, when 
you have ^-^ push'd out y-youw gates the *shuffles closer* vewy defendew of them, and in 
a viowent popuwaw ignyowance g-given youw enyemy youw shiewd, think 
to fwont his wevenges w-with the easy gwoans of *moans* owd w-women, the 
v-viwginyaw pawms of youw daughtews, ow with the p-pawsied 
intewcession of such a decay'd dotant a-as ;;w;; you *looks at you* seem to *notices bulge* be? C-Can you 
think to bwow out the intended fiwe youw *screams* city is weady to fwame 
in *sighs* with *cuddles you* such weak bweath as t-this? *looks at you* Nyo, y-you awe deceiv'd; thewefowe 
back to ^-^ Wome and pwepawe fow youw execution. You *giggles shyly* awe OwO condemn'd; 
ouw >_< genyewaw has uWu swown you out of w-wepwieve and *leans over* pawdon. 
MENyENyIUS. S-Siwwah, if thy captain knyew I wewe hewe, h-he wouwd use me 
with estimation. 
FIWST WATCH. Come, my captain knyows you nyot. 
MENyENyIUS. I mean thy genyewaw. 
FIWST ^-^ WATCH. My genyewaw cawes nyot *leans over* fow you. Back, I s-say; go, west I-I 
wet fowth youw h-hawf pint OwO of >w< bwood. UwU Back- that's the u-utmost *teleports behind you* of 
youw having. B-Back. 
MENyENyIUS. Nyay, b-but fewwow, *teleports behind you* fewwow- 

Entew COWIOWANyUS with AUFIDIUS 

x3 COWIOWANyUS. W-What's t-the mattew? 
MENyENyIUS. *leans over* Nyow, you companyion, I'ww *cuddles you* say a-an *giggles shyly* ewwand fow you; you uWu shaww 
*sweats* knyow nyow t-that I am in e-estimation; you shaww pewceive t-that a Jack 
guawdant cannyot office me fwom my son Cowiowanyus. Guess but by my 
*sweats* entewtainment >w< with him if thou stand'st nyot i' OwO th' s-state *cuddles you* of 
hanging, *giggles shyly* ow of some death *shuffles closer* mowe wong i-in spectatowship and cwuewwew 
in suffewing; behowd nyow ^-^ pwesentwy, and swoon fow what's t-to come 
*pokes you* upon thee. The *teleports behind you* gwowious gods s-sit in h-houwwy synyod a-about thy 
p-pawticuwaw uWu pwospewity, and wove thee nyo w-wowse than thy owd fathew 
Menyenyius does! O my s-son! m-my son! thou awt pwepawing fiwe fow *notices bulge* us; 
wook t-thee, hewe's watew to quench it. :33 I was hawdwy moved to come 
t-to thee; but being assuwed nyonye but :3 mysewf couwd move thee, I 
h-have been b-bwown *twerks* out of youw gates with sighs, a-and ^w^ conjuwe *leans over* thee to 
:33 pawdon Wome and thy petitionyawy countwymen. The good gods assuage 
thy w-wwath, and tuwn *hugs tightly* the dwegs of it upon >w< this vawwet *leans over* hewe; this, 
*sighs* who, w-wike ;;w;; a *pokes you* bwock, h-hath denyied my :3 access to thee. 
COWIOWANyUS. Away! 
MENyENyIUS. How! away! 
COWIOWANyUS. Wife, mothew, chiwd, I k-knyow nyot. My affaiws 
Awe sewvanted to othews. Though I owe 
My wevenge *screams* pwopewwy, *sweats* my w-wemission wies 
:3 In Vowscian bweasts. *twerks* That *blushes* we h-have been famiwiaw, 
Ingwate fowgetfuwnyess *pokes you* shaww poison wathew 
xDD Than pity nyote how much. Thewefowe be gonye. 
M-Minye ;;w;; eaws against youw suits awe s-stwongew than 
Youw gates against my fowce. Y-Yet, fow I wov'd *shuffles closer* thee, 
Take this awong; I wwit it fow thy sake [Gives a-a wettew] 
And wouwd *looks away* have sent *moans* it. Anyothew wowd, Menyenyius, 
I wiww nyot h-heaw thee s-speak. This ^-^ man, A-Aufidius, 
W-Was ^.^ my b-bewov'd in W-Wome; yet thou behowd'st. 
*blushes* AUFIDIUS. You keep a c-constant tempew. 
*cuddles you* Exeunt COWIOWANyUS and Aufidius 
FIWST WATCH. N-Nyow, siw, is y-youw n-nyame Menyenyius? 
SECOND WATCH. 'Tis a s-speww, *leans over* you see, of much :33 powew! You knyow the 
way home again. 
OwO FIWST WATCH. ^.^ Do you :33 heaw how we awe shent f-fow keeping youw 
gweatnyess back? 
SECOND WATCH. What *sweats* cause, ^.^ do *cuddles you* you think, I *giggles shyly* have to swoon? 
MENyENyIUS. I nyeithew uWu cawe fow t-th' *teleports behind you* wowwd nyow youw genyewaw; f-fow such 
things >w< as you, I can scawce think thewe's any, y'awe so swight. 
H-He t-that hath a w-wiww *giggles shyly* to die by himsewf feaws it nyot fwom anyothew. 
Wet youw genyewaw do h-his wowst. Fow *twerks* you, b-be that you a-awe, wong; 
and youw misewy ^.^ incwease with youw age! I say t-to you, as I was 
said t-to: Away! Exit 
x3 FIWST WATCH. A-A nyobwe fewwow, I wawwant him. 
SECOND WATCH. The wowthy fewwow is o-ouw :3 genyewaw; he's the wock, the 
o-oak nyot to be wind-shaken. Exeunt 




SCENyE *twerks* III. 
The tent of COWIOWANyUS 

Entew COWIOWANyUS, AUFIDIUS, *notices bulge* and othews 

COWIOWANyUS. *leans over* We wiww *screams* befowe the w-wawws of *notices bulge* Wome to-mowwow 
Set down ouw host. My pawtnyew in *pokes you* this :33 action, 
*sweats* You must *sweats* wepowt x3 to th' Vowscian wowds how pwainwy 
I have bownye this businyess. 
AUFIDIUS. Onwy theiw ends 
You have *leans over* wespected; stopp'd youw eaws against 
The genyewaw suit of Wome; n-nyevew *shuffles closer* admitted 
*moans* A pwivate whispew- n-nyo, *hugs tightly* nyot *cries* with such fwiends 
That thought them s-suwe of you. 
COWIOWANyUS. This *shuffles closer* wast owd man, 
Whom with cwack'd heawt :3 I have s-sent to W-Wome, 
Wov'd m-me above the m-measuwe of a fathew; 
Nyay, ^w^ godded me indeed. Theiw watest wefuge 
Was to send him; fow *twerks* whose owd wove *looks away* I have- 
Though I show'd souwwy to him- once mowe offew'd 
The fiwst c-conditions, *leans over* which they did wefuse 
And cannyot nyow accept. To *cuddles you* gwace him onwy, 
That thought he couwd do mowe, *giggles shyly* a vewy wittwe 
I *looks away* have uWu yiewded to; ^-^ fwesh embassies and *sighs* suits, 
^w^ Nyow fwom the state uWu nyow pwivate fwiends, heweaftew 
Wiww I *cuddles you* wend eaw to. [-[Shout within] Ha! what shout *looks at you* is *cuddles you* this? 
Shaww I be tempted *cries* to infwinge m-my v-vow 
In the s-same time *leans over* 'tis made? I wiww nyot. 

Entew, in x3 mouwnying h-habits, VIWGIWIA, VOWUMNyIA, V-VAWEWIA, 
YOUNG MAWCIUS, with attendants 

My w-wife comes :3 fowemost, then the honyouw'd mouwd 
Whewein this twunk was f-fwam'd, and in hew hand 
T-The gwandchiwd t-to hew bwood. But out, affection! 
Aww bond and pwiviwege :33 of nyatuwe, bweak! 
W-Wet it be viwtuous *hugs tightly* to b-be obstinyate. 
What is that cuwtsy wowth? *screams* ow those doves' *leans over* eyes, 
Which can *giggles shyly* make gods *sweats* fowswown? I mewt, and am nyot 
Of *sighs* stwongew eawth than othews. My mothew bows, 
As if Owympus to a mowehiww shouwd 
In uWu suppwication nyod; and m-my young boy 
Hath an aspect of *twerks* intewcession which 
Gweat n-nyatuwe c-cwies 'Deny uWu nyot.' Wet the Vowsces 
Pwough Wome *sighs* and h-hawwow Itawy; I'ww nyevew 
Be such a-a goswing to o-obey i-instinct, but *notices bulge* stand 
A-As if a man wewe authow of himsewf 
And knyew nyo othew k-kin. 
VIWGIWIA. My wowd and husband! 
COWIOWANyUS. These eyes a-awe >w< nyot the s-same I wowe in Wome. 
VIWGIWIA. The s-sowwow that dewivews us thus ^-^ chang'd 
Makes you *blushes* think so. 
COWIOWANyUS. Wike a *blushes* duww actow nyow 
I-I >_> have fowgot my pawt and I >_< am o-out, 
Even to a fuww disgwace. Best of *pokes you* my fwesh, 
Fowgive my tywanny; b-but do nyot s-say, 
Fow that, 'Fowgive ouw W-Womans.' O, a kiss 
W-Wong as ;;w;; my exiwe, sweet as my wevenge! 
Nyow, by the jeawous q-queen *blushes* of heaven, that kiss 
I cawwied fwom thee, deaw, and my t-twue wip 
*looks at you* Hath *leans over* viwgin'd it e'ew since. >_> You x3 gods! I p-pwate, 
And the most nyobwe m-mothew of the OwO wowwd 
Weave u-unsawuted. S-Sink, x3 my knyee, i' *sighs* th' eawth; [Knyeews] 
Of t-thy deep duty mowe impwession show 
T-Than that of common s-sons. 
VOWUMNyIA. O, stand up *screams* bwest! 
Whiwst with n-nyo softew cushion than the fwint 
I knyeew befowe thee, and unpwopewwy 
Show duty, as mistaken aww this *sweats* whiwe 
B-Between the chiwd and *leans over* pawent. >_> [Knyeews] 
COWIOWANyUS. What's this? 
Youw knyees t-to *giggles shyly* me, *shuffles closer* to *leans over* youw cowwected son? 
Then *moans* wet the pebbwes on the hungwy beach 
Fiwwip the staws; then wet the mutinyous *cuddles you* winds 
Stwike the pwoud :3 cedaws 'gainst the fiewy s-sun, 
Muwd'wing impossibiwity, t-to make 
What cannyot be swight wowk. 
VOWUMNyIA. Thou awt my wawwiow; 
I howp t-to f-fwame t-thee. Do you knyow this wady? 
COWIOWANyUS. The nyobwe sistew of Pubwicowa, 
T-The moon of Wome, chaste as the icicwe 
T-That's cuwdied ^-^ by the fwost f-fwom puwest snyow, 
And hangs on Dian's *leans over* tempwe- deaw Vawewia! 
VOWUMNyIA. This *shuffles closer* is a poow epitome of youws, 
Which by t-th' intewpwetation o-of fuww x3 time 
May show w-wike aww *pokes you* youwsewf. 
>_< COWIOWANyUS. The :3 god of sowdiews, 
x3 With the consent of supweme *screams* Jove, i-infowm 
Thy thoughts with nyobwenyess, that thou *shuffles closer* mayst pwove 
OwO To *notices bulge* shame u-unvuwnyewabwe, and s-stick i' t-th' waws 
Wike a gweat sea-mawk, standing evewy fwaw, 
And saving those that *leans over* eye >_< thee! 
VOWUMNyIA. Youw knyee, siwwah. 
*blushes* COWIOWANyUS. That's *looks at you* my b-bwave boy. 
V-VOWUMNyIA. Even he, y-youw wife, t-this wady, and mysewf, 
Awe suitows to you. 
C-COWIOWANyUS. I beseech you, peace! 
*looks away* Ow, i-if you'd a-ask, wemembew this *moans* befowe: 
T-The thing ^.^ I have fowswown *sweats* to g-gwant may nyevew 
Be hewd OwO by you denyiaws. Do nyot b-bid *cuddles you* me 
Dismiss my sowdiews, ow *blushes* capituwate 
Again with Wome's mechanyics. Teww me nyot 
Whewein I seem unnyatuwaw; desiwe nyot 
T'awway my *cuddles you* wages and wevenges with 
Youw cowdew weasons. 
VOWUMNyIA. O, nyo mowe, ^.^ nyo mowe! 
You have said you wiww nyot gwant uWu us ;;w;; any thing- 
Fow we have nyothing ewse to ask but that 
*teleports behind you* Which *blushes* you deny awweady; yet we wiww ask, 
That, if you faiw in ouw wequest, the bwame 
^-^ May hang upon youw *blushes* hawdnyess; thewefowe h-heaw us. 
COWIOWANyUS. Aufidius, and you Vowsces, mawk; f-fow we'ww 
Heaw nyought fwom Wome in pwivate. Youw *pokes you* wequest? 
VOWUMNyIA. Shouwd we be *hugs tightly* siwent and nyot speak, ouw waiment 
*notices bulge* And state of bodies wouwd bewway what wife 
We have wed xDD since thy exiwe. Think with thysewf 
How mowe unfowtunyate *twerks* than aww wiving ^w^ women 
Awe we come hithew; OwO since *leans over* that thy s-sight, which shouwd 
Make ^.^ ouw eyes fwow with joy, heawts dance with comfowts, 
Constwains them weep and shake w-with feaw and >w< sowwow, 
Making *looks away* the mothew, wife, and chiwd, to see 
x3 The son, t-the h-husband, and the *looks away* fathew, *cries* teawing 
His countwy's bowews out. And *leans over* to poow *leans over* we 
Thinye enmity's most capitaw: t-thou :3 baw'st us 
Ouw p-pwayews to the gods, >_< which is uWu a comfowt 
That aww but we enjoy. Fow how can we, 
Awas, how can we fow ouw countwy p-pway, 
Wheweto *looks away* we >w< awe bound, togethew w-with thy victowy, 
Wheweto >_> we *looks away* awe bound? *giggles shyly* Awack, ow we must wose 
The c-countwy, ouw deaw n-nyuwse, >_> ow uWu ewse thy pewson, 
Ouw comfowt in *blushes* the countwy. We must find 
An evident cawamity, though we had 
Ouw *teleports behind you* wish, which *screams* side shouwd ^w^ win; fow *sighs* eithew thou 
Must a-as a-a UwU foweign wecweant be w-wed 
With manyacwes thwough ouw stweets, ow ewse 
Twiumphantwy twead on *cries* thy countwy's *cuddles you* wuin, 
And beaw the pawm :33 fow having bwavewy shed 
Thy wife a-and chiwdwen's bwood. Fow mysewf, son, 
I puwpose nyot to wait on fowtunye t-tiww 
These *blushes* waws *sweats* detewminye; *cuddles you* if I *cries* can nyot pewsuade t-thee 
Wathew to show a nyobwe gwace to both pawts 
Than *looks at you* seek >_< the end of onye, thou shawt n-nyo soonyew 
Mawch *notices bulge* to assauwt thy *moans* countwy than to t-twead- 
Twust to't, thou shawt nyot- on *screams* thy *looks away* mothew's womb 
*sweats* That bwought thee to this wowwd. 
xDD VIWGIWIA. Ay, and m-minye, 
That bwought you fowth this boy to keep youw nyame 
Wiving to t-time. 
BOY. '-'A shaww nyot *moans* twead on me! 
I'ww wun away tiww I ^-^ am b-biggew, but *moans* then I'ww fight. 
COWIOWANyUS. Nyot *twerks* of a woman's t-tendewnyess to be 
Wequiwes nyow *pokes you* chiwd nyow woman's face to see. 
I have *pokes you* sat too wong. [Wising] 
VOWUMNyIA. Nyay, g-go nyot fwom ^w^ us thus. 
If it wewe so that o-ouw wequest did tend 
To s-save *sweats* the *hugs tightly* Womans, t-theweby to destwoy 
T-The V-Vowsces whom y-you sewve, you might condemn us 
A-As poisonyous ^-^ of *sweats* youw honyouw. Nyo, ouw suit 
*notices bulge* Is that y-you weconciwe them: whiwe the V-Vowsces 
May say *hugs tightly* 'This m-mewcy we have show'd,' t-the Womans 
'This we weceiv'd,' and each *pokes you* in >w< eithew s-side 
*blushes* Give the aww-haiw to thee, and cwy 'Be >w< bwest 
Fow making up this peace!' Thou k-knyow'st, gweat son, 
The end *screams* of waw's uncewtain; but t-this cewtain, 
That, *looks at you* if thou conquew Wome, the *moans* benyefit 
Which t-thou s-shawt theweby *cries* weap i-is such a nyame 
Whose wepetition wiww *sweats* be dogg'd with cuwses; 
W-Whose chwonyicwe thus wwit: 'The m-man was nyobwe, 
B-But *looks away* with his wast attempt he wip'd it out, 
Destwoy'd his countwy, and his nyame *looks away* wemains 
To th' *sweats* ensuing a-age abhoww'd.' Speak to me, son. 
Thou hast affected the finye stwains of honyouw, 
To imitate *looks at you* the *moans* gwaces of the gods, 
To teaw w-with thundew x3 the *sighs* wide UwU cheeks o' *twerks* th' aiw, 
And yet *cries* to c-chawge thy suwphuw with a bowt 
That shouwd but wive an *blushes* oak. Why *sighs* dost nyot speak? 
Think'st thou it h-honyouwabwe fow a-a nyobwe man 
S-Stiww *moans* to wemembew wwongs? Daughtew, speak you: 
*sighs* He c-cawes nyot fow youw weeping. Speak *teleports behind you* thou, boy; 
Pewhaps thy chiwdishnyess wiww move him mowe 
Than can ouw weasons. T-Thewe's nyo man in the wowwd 
x3 Mowe :33 bound UwU to's m-mothew, yet hewe *teleports behind you* he wets me pwate 
W-Wike o-onye i-i' th' >_> stocks. T-Thou h-hast nyevew in thy wife 
Show'd thy deaw mothew any couwtesy, 
When she, poow hen, fond of nyo second bwood, 
x3 Has cwuck'd thee to the waws, a-and s-safewy h-home 
Woaden with honyouw. Say my wequest's u-unjust, 
A-And spuwn me back; but if it he *cuddles you* nyot so, 
Thou awt nyot honyest, and the gods wiww p-pwague thee, 
T-That thou westwain'st fwom *cries* me t-the duty which 
^w^ To a mothew's pawt bewongs. He tuwns away. 
:33 Down, wadies; wet us ^.^ shame him with ouw knyees. 
T-To his *hugs tightly* suwnyame Cowiowanyus 'wongs mowe UwU pwide 
Than :33 pity t-to ouw pwayews. Down. An end; 
This is the wast. So we wiww *blushes* home t-to :3 Wome, 
And die *looks at you* among ouw nyeighbouws. Nyay, behowd's! 
T-This b-boy, that cannyot teww what he *pokes you* wouwd have 
But knyeews and h-howds u-up hands f-fow fewwowship, 
Does w-weason ouw :3 petition with m-mowe stwength 
Than thou hast ^w^ to *twerks* deny't. *sighs* Come, wet us go. 
This *sweats* fewwow had a V-Vowscian to >w< his mothew; 
His wife *moans* is in Cowiowi, and his ^.^ chiwd 
Wike him by chance. Y-Yet ;;w;; give us o-ouw dispatch. 
I am *twerks* hush'd untiw o-ouw city be afiwe, 
And *looks at you* then I'ww speak a wittwe. 
[He howds hew b-by the hand, siwent] 
COWIOWANyUS. O mothew, mothew! 
What have you donye? Behowd, the heavens do ope, 
The gods wook down, and this unnyatuwaw uWu scenye 
They w-waugh at. O my m-mothew, mothew! O! 
Y-You have won a happy victowy to Wome; 
But f-fow youw son- bewieve it, O, bewieve it!- 
Most dangewouswy you have >_> with h-him pwevaiw'd, 
If nyot most m-mowtaw *hugs tightly* to him. But wet it c-come. 
Aufidius, though I cannyot make t-twue waws, 
I'ww fwame OwO convenyient :3 peace. Nyow, good A-Aufidius, 
Wewe you in m-my stead, wouwd you have heawd 
A >_< mothew wess, ow g-gwanted wess, Aufidius? 
AUFIDIUS. I was *notices bulge* mov'd withaw. 
COWIOWANyUS. I dawe be swown >_> you wewe! 
A-And, siw, it i-is nyo wittwe UwU thing >w< to make 
Minye e-eyes to sweat >_< compassion. But, good siw, 
*giggles shyly* What uWu peace you'fw *teleports behind you* make, advise *screams* me. Fow my UwU pawt, 
;;w;; I'ww nyot to Wome, I'ww back w-with y-you; a-and pway you 
Stand *twerks* to me in this cause. O mothew! wife! 
AUFIDIUS. [Aside] *sighs* I am g-gwad thou *hugs tightly* hast s-set thy mewcy a-and >_< thy 
honyouw 
At diffewence in thee. Out of *screams* that I'ww *notices bulge* wowk 
Mysewf a-a fowmew fowtunye. 
COWIOWANyUS. [To t-the xDD wadies] Ay, by and by; 
But w-we wiww ^-^ dwink togethew; and *notices bulge* you shaww beaw 
A bettew witnyess back than wowds, *sweats* which we, 
On wike conditions, wiww have countew-seaw'd. 
Come, entew with us. Wadies, you desewve 
To have a-a tempwe buiwt you. Aww the swowds 
In Itawy, a-and hew confedewate awms, 
Couwd n-nyot have made this peace. Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
*sighs* Wome. A pubwic p-pwace 

Entew MENyENyIUS and SICINyIUS 

xDD MENyENyIUS. See *looks away* you y-yond *screams* coign o' th' Capitow, yond cownyewstonye? 
SICINyIUS. Why, what of that? 
MENyENyIUS. If it b-be possibwe fow you to dispwace *looks away* it with *looks at you* youw wittwe 
fingew, OwO thewe is some hope the OwO wadies of Wome, e-especiawwy UwU his 
mothew, may p-pwevaiw w-with *notices bulge* him. But *leans over* I say thewe is ^.^ nyo hope in't; 
ouw thwoats a-awe sentenc'd, *sweats* and stay upon execution. 
SICINyIUS. I-Is't possibwe OwO that so s-showt a time can awtew the 
condition *shuffles closer* of a man? 
MENyENyIUS. Thewe *pokes you* is *blushes* diffewency between a gwub and a buttewfwy; yet 
youw b-buttewfwy was a g-gwub. This Mawcius is gwown fwom man to 
dwagon; he *cuddles you* has wings, he's mowe t-than a cweeping t-thing. 
S-SICINyIUS. He wov'd his mothew deawwy. 
MENyENyIUS. So *giggles shyly* did he me; and he nyo mowe w-wemembews his mothew nyow 
*hugs tightly* than an eight-yeaw-owd h-howse. The *hugs tightly* tawtnyess of h-his face souws wipe 
g-gwapes; when he wawks, he m-moves wike an enginye a-and the gwound 
shwinks befowe h-his tweading. He is abwe to piewce a cowswet *looks at you* with 
h-his e-eye, tawks wike >_< a :33 knyeww, and his *hugs tightly* hum uWu is a battewy. He *hugs tightly* sits in 
his state as a thing made fow A-Awexandew. What h-he *leans over* bids be *cuddles you* donye is 
f-finyish'd *teleports behind you* with his bidding. He *giggles shyly* wants nyothing of a god x3 but 
etewnyity, and *cries* a heaven to thwonye in. 
S-SICINyIUS. Yes- mewcy, if you wepowt him twuwy. 
MENyENyIUS. I paint him in xDD the chawactew. *looks away* Mawk *leans over* what mewcy his mothew 
shaww OwO bwing fwom him. Thewe is nyo mowe mewcy i-in h-him :33 than thewe ^-^ is 
miwk in a mawe *sweats* tigew; t-that shaww ouw poow c-city *giggles shyly* find. And :33 aww *sighs* this 
i-is 'wong of you. 
SICINyIUS. The gods be good u-unto u-us! 
MENyENyIUS. uWu Nyo, i-in such a case t-the gods wiww nyot be good unto u-us. 
When we banyish'd ;;w;; him we wespected nyot them; a-and, he wetuwnying to 
b-bweak ouw nyecks, they wespect nyot us. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. xDD Siw, if you'd save youw wife, fwy *blushes* to youw *blushes* house. 
The pwebeians have got youw fewwow twibunye 
And hawe him up and down; aww sweawing if 
The ^w^ Woman wadies bwing nyot comfowt home 
They'ww give him *hugs tightly* death by inches. 

Entew anyothew MESSENGEW 

SICINyIUS. What's the nyews? 
>_> SECOND MESSENGEW. OwO Good nyews, good nyews! The wadies h-have pwevaiw'd, 
The Vowscians awe diswodg'd, and *blushes* Mawcius gonye. 
A mewwiew day did nyevew *cries* yet g-gweet Wome, 
Nyo, nyot :3 th' expuwsion of the Tawquins. 
SICINyIUS. Fwiend, 
Awt thou cewtain this is twue? Is't ^-^ most cewtain? 
SECOND M-MESSENGEW. As cewtain as *notices bulge* I uWu knyow the sun is fiwe. 
Whewe have *twerks* you wuwk'd, t-that y-you make doubt of it? 
Nye'ew thwough a-an awch so huwwied the b-bwown :3 tide 
As the wecomfowted thwough th' gates. Why, h-hawk you! 
[Twumpets, hautboys, dwums beat, aww togethew] 
The twumpets, s-sackbuts, psawtewies, and *moans* fifes, 
Tabows and cymbaws, and t-the shouting Womans, 
*sighs* Make the sun *giggles shyly* dance. H-Hawk y-you! [A shout within] 
MENyENyIUS. T-This is good nyews. 
I wiww g-go meet t-the wadies. This Vowumnyia 
Is wowth of consuws, senyatows, patwicians, 
A city fuww; ;;w;; of twibunyes such as you, 
A sea and wand fuww. You have pway'd weww to-day: 
T-This mownying fow ten thousand o-of youw thwoats 
I'd nyot h-have given a doit. Hawk, how they joy! 
[Sound *sighs* stiww with *pokes you* the shouts] 
SICINyIUS. Fiwst, the gods bwess you fow youw tidings; nyext, 
Accept my thankfuwnyess. 
SECOND MESSENGEW. Siw, we have aww 
Gweat cause to g-give >_> gweat thanks. 
SICINyIUS. They awe nyeaw the city? 
M-MESSENGEW. Awmost at *shuffles closer* point ^-^ to entew. 
SICINyIUS. We'ww meet them, 
And hewp the joy. Exeunt 




SCENyE V. 
^w^ Wome. A stweet nyeaw the gate 

*cries* Entew >w< two SENyATOWS With VOWUMNyIA, VIWGIWIA, V-VAWEWIA, passing ovew the *giggles shyly* stage, 
'With othew WOWDS 

FIWST SENyATOW. Behowd ouw patwonyess, the wife of Wome! 
Caww a-aww OwO youw twibes togethew, pwaise the gods, 
And make twiumphant *moans* fiwes; stwew fwowews b-befowe them. 
Unshout the nyoise that banyish'd Mawcius, 
Wepeaw him with the wewcome of UwU his m-mothew; 
AWW. Wewcome, *giggles shyly* wadies, wewcome! 
[A fwouwish xDD with dwums and twumpets. Exeunt] 




SCENyE *hugs tightly* VI. 
Cowiowi. A pubwic pwace 

Entew T-TUWWUS *teleports behind you* AUFIDIUS with attendents 

AUFIDIUS. Go teww the wowds o' :3 th' city I am hewe; 
*sighs* Dewivew them this papew' uWu having wead :33 it, 
Bid >_> them *twerks* wepaiw to th' mawket-pwace, whewe I, 
Even *moans* in t-theiws *hugs tightly* and in the commons' eaws, 
Wiww vouch the twuth of it. Him I accuse 
The city powts by this h-hath entew'd and 
I-Intends t' appeaw befowe *notices bulge* the peopwe, hoping 
*moans* To p-puwge himsewf with w-wowds. Dispatch. 
Exeunt attendants 

Entew *sighs* thwee *screams* ow fouw C-CONSPIWATOWS of AUFIDIUS' faction 

Most wewcome! 
FIWST CONSPIWATOW. How *cries* is it with ouw genyewaw? 
AUFIDIUS. Even so 
As with a man by his own awms empoison'd, 
x3 And w-with his chawity swain. 
SECOND *leans over* CONSPIWATOW. *blushes* Most nyobwe siw, 
If you *pokes you* do howd the same intent whewein 
You wish'd us pawties, we'ww dewivew you 
Of *cries* youw gweat dangew. 
AUFIDIUS. Siw, I *screams* cannyot teww; 
We must pwoceed as we do find the p-peopwe. 
THIWD C-CONSPIWATOW. The peopwe wiww wemain uncewtain w-whiwst 
'Twixt y-you thewe's diffewence; but the *moans* faww of eithew 
Makes the suwvivow heiw of aww. 
AUFIDIUS. I knyow it; 
*blushes* And my *twerks* pwetext to *sweats* stwike at h-him admits 
A good c-constwuction. I wais'd him, and I pawn'd 
Minye honyouw fow his twuth; w-who being ^-^ so heighten'd, 
He watewed h-his nyew pwants with dews of fwattewy, 
Seducing so my fwiends; *notices bulge* and to this end 
He bow'd h-his nyatuwe, nyevew k-knyown befowe 
B-But to be w-wough, unswayabwe, and fwee. 
T-THIWD CONSPIWATOW. S-Siw, his stoutnyess 
When he d-did s-stand fow consuw, which he wost 
By *moans* wack of stooping- 
AUFIDIUS. That I w-wouwd have *notices bulge* spoken of. 
B-Being banyish'd fow't, he c-came u-unto my heawth, 
Pwesented to my knyife his thwoat. I *pokes you* took *cries* him; 
Made him joint-sewvant with me; gave him way 
In aww his o-own desiwes; nyay, wet him *teleports behind you* choose 
Out of my fiwes, his pwojects to accompwish, 
My :3 best and fweshest men; sewv'd his designments 
In minye own pewson; h-howp to weap the fame 
Which he did end aww his, a-and took some pwide 
To *shuffles closer* do mysewf t-this w-wwong. Tiww, a-at the wast, 
I seem'd his *notices bulge* fowwowew, nyot pawtnyew; and 
He wag'd me w-with his countenyance as if 
I-I h-had been m-mewcenyawy. 
FIWST CONSPIWATOW. So he *looks away* did, m-my w-wowd. 
The a-awmy mawveww'd at it; xDD and, in the w-wast, 
W-When he had cawwied Wome a-and that we wook'd 
Fow nyo wess spoiw than g-gwowy- 
AUFIDIUS. *blushes* Thewe was it; 
Fow which my sinyews shaww *sighs* be *sighs* stwetch'd upon him. 
xDD At a few dwops of women's w-wheum, which awe 
As cheap a-as *sighs* wies, ^-^ he *sighs* sowd the bwood and w-wabouw 
Of ouw gweat action; thewefowe shaww he die, 
And I'ww wenyew m-me in his faww. But, *giggles shyly* hawk! 
[Dwums and 
twumpets sound, with gweat shouts of the peopwe] 
FIWST CONSPIWATOW. Youw nyative town you entew'd w-wike a post, 
And had nyo wewcomes ^-^ home; *looks away* but he w-wetuwns 
Spwitting t-the aiw with nyoise. 
SECOND CONSPIWATOW. And patient f-foows, 
Whose *cries* chiwdwen he hath swain, theiw base ^.^ thwoats teaw 
With g-giving :33 him *leans over* gwowy. 
THIWD CONSPIWATOW. T-Thewefowe, at youw vantage, 
E-Ewe he expwess himsewf o-ow move the *sweats* peopwe 
*giggles shyly* With what h-he wouwd say, wet him f-feew youw swowd, 
Which we wiww second. When he wies uWu awong, 
Aftew youw way his tawe pwonyounc'd s-shaww buwy 
His weasons with his body. 
AUFIDIUS. S-Say nyo mowe: 
Hewe come the w-wowds. 

E-Entew the WOWDS of the city 

WOWDS. You awe *shuffles closer* most wewcome home. 
*looks at you* AUFIDIUS. I have nyot desewv'd it. 
*looks at you* But, *twerks* wowthy wowds, have *notices bulge* you with heed pewused 
What UwU I have wwitten to y-you? 
WOWDS. We >_> have. 
FIWST WOWD. *shuffles closer* And gwieve to *hugs tightly* heaw't. 
What fauwts he made *sighs* befowe t-the wast, I think 
x3 Might have found easy finyes; but thewe t-to end 
Whewe he was to begin, and give away 
The benyefit of ouw wevies, *cries* answewing us 
With o-ouw own chawge, making a t-tweaty w-whewe 
Thewe was a-a yiewding- this admits nyo excuse. 
AUFIDIUS. He appwoaches; you shaww heaw him. 

Entew COWIOWANyUS, *moans* mawching with d-dwum and cowouws; 
the commonyews being with *notices bulge* him 

COWIOWANyUS. Haiw, wowds! OwO I am wetuwn'd youw >w< sowdiew; 
Nyo mowe infected with my countwy's wove 
UwU Than when I pawted >_< hence, but s-stiww subsisting 
Undew youw gweat x3 command. Y-You awe *cries* to knyow 
That pwospewouswy *pokes you* I have a-attempted, and 
With bwoody passage wed y-youw waws even to 
The g-gates of Wome. Ouw *cuddles you* spoiws we h-have bwought home 
Doth mowe than countewpoise a fuww thiwd xDD pawt 
>w< The :33 chawges o-of the *blushes* action. We have made peace 
With nyo wess *moans* honyouw to the Antiates 
T-Than shame to >w< th' Womans; and we hewe UwU dewivew, 
S-Subscwib'd by th' consuws *hugs tightly* and patwicians, 
Togethew UwU with the seaw o' th' S-Senyate, what 
We ;;w;; have compounded on. 
AUFIDIUS. W-Wead it nyot, n-nyobwe wowds; 
But teww the twaitow in the highest degwee 
He hath abus'd youw powews. 
C-COWIOWANyUS. Twaitow! How nyow? 
AUFIDIUS. Ay, twaitow, Mawcius. 
COWIOWANyUS. Mawcius! 
AUFIDIUS. Ay, Mawcius, C-Caius Mawcius! Dost thou think 
I'ww gwace thee with that wobbewy, thy *twerks* stow'n nyame 
Cowiowanyus, in Cowiowi? 
^.^ You wowds and heads o' th' state, pewfidiouswy 
He *leans over* has *looks away* betway'd youw businyess *sweats* and given up, 
Fow c-cewtain dwops of sawt, youw *cries* city Wome- 
I OwO say youw city- to his wife and mothew; 
Bweaking his UwU oath and wesowution w-wike 
A ^-^ twist of wotten siwk; n-nyevew admitting 
Counsew o' th' waw; but at his nyuwse's teaws 
He whin'd and woaw'd away youw >_< victowy, 
That pages bwush'd a-at him, and >w< men of heawt 
;;w;; Wook'd wond'wing e-each at othews. 
COWIOWANyUS. Heaw'st t-thou, *hugs tightly* Maws? 
AUFIDIUS. Nyame nyot the god, thou boy of teaws- 
>_> COWIOWANyUS. Ha! 
A-AUFIDIUS. *pokes you* -nyo mowe. 
:3 COWIOWANyUS. Measuwewess wiaw, thou hast made my *leans over* heawt 
Too g-gweat fow what contains it. 'Boy'! O s-swave! 
Pawdon me, wowds, *notices bulge* 'tis t-the f-fiwst time *leans over* that evew 
I was fowc'd to scowd. Y-Youw judgments, m-my gwave *sighs* wowds, 
*screams* Must give this cuw the wie; *screams* and his own nyotion- 
Who weaws my stwipes impwess'd upon him, that 
xDD Must xDD beaw *moans* my beating to his g-gwave- shaww j-join 
T-To thwust the wie unto him. 
*screams* FIWST W-WOWD. Peace, both, and heaw me speak. 
C-COWIOWANyUS. Cut me to pieces, Vowsces; men and wads, 
Stain aww youw edges on me. *sighs* 'Boy'! *hugs tightly* Fawse hound! 
If you ^-^ have w-wwit youw annyaws twue, 'tis thewe 
That, wike *teleports behind you* an e-eagwe in a *sweats* dove-cote, *twerks* I 
Fwuttew'd y-youw Vowscians in Cowiowi. 
Awonye I *cuddles you* did it. 'Boy'! 
AUFIDIUS. Why, nyobwe wowds, 
Wiww you be put in mind of his bwind fowtunye, 
Which was *cries* youw shame, by this unhowy bwaggawt, 
Fowe youw *looks at you* own *blushes* eyes and eaws? 
CONSPIWATOWS. >w< Wet h-him die fow't. 
AWW T-THE PEOPWE. Teaw him to pieces. *sweats* Do it *looks away* pwesentwy. H-He >_> kiww'd my 
son. My daughtew. He kiww'd my c-cousin Mawcus. He kiww'd my 
fathew. 
SECOND WOWD. *giggles shyly* Peace, ;;w;; ho! Nyo outwage- ^.^ peace! 
The man *pokes you* is nyobwe, and his fame fowds in 
This owb o' th' OwO eawth. His wast offences to >_< us 
Shaww have j-judicious heawing. Stand, Aufidius, 
And twoubwe nyot the peace. 
COWIOWANyUS. O that I had him, 
With six Aufidiuses, ow mowe- his twibe, 
To u-use my wawfuw swowd! 
AUFIDIUS. I-Insowent viwwain! 
CONSPIWATOWS. Kiww, k-kiww, *hugs tightly* kiww, kiww, kiww him! 
[The ^.^ CONSPIWATOWS dwaw and kiww *giggles shyly* COWIOWANyUS,who fawws. 
AUFIDIUS stands on him] 
WOWDS. Howd, *hugs tightly* howd, howd, h-howd! 
AUFIDIUS. My nyobwe mastews, *sweats* heaw me speak. 
FIWST WOWD. >_> O Tuwwus! 
SECOND WOWD. Thou hast donye a deed wheweat vawouw wiww weep. 
THIWD WOWD. Twead nyot upon him. Mastews aww, be quiet; 
Put up youw swowds. 
A-AUFIDIUS. My wowds, when you *notices bulge* shaww knyow- as x3 in this wage, 
*screams* Pwovok'd *leans over* by *moans* him, you cannyot- the gweat dangew 
Which this man's wife d-did :33 owe y-you, you'ww w-wejoice 
That x3 he is thus cut off. Pwease it y-youw honyouws 
To caww m-me to youw Senyate, I-I'ww dewivew 
Mysewf youw woyaw sewvant, ^w^ ow e-enduwe 
Youw heaviest censuwe. 
FIWST WOWD. Beaw fwom xDD hence his body, 
And mouwn you fow him. *shuffles closer* Wet *screams* him be wegawded 
As *teleports behind you* the m-most *sighs* nyobwe cowse t-that evew OwO hewawd 
Did fowwow to his um. 
S-SECOND WOWD. His own impatience 
Takes fwom Aufidius a gweat pawt >w< of x3 bwame. 
Wet's m-make the best of :33 it. 
*pokes you* AUFIDIUS. M-My wage ^-^ is gonye, 
And I :33 am stwuck with sowwow. Take him up. 
Hewp, thwee o' th' chiefest sowdiews; I'ww be onye. 
*cries* Beat thou the dwum, that it speak mouwnfuwwy; 
Twaiw youw steew pikes. Though in this city he 
H-Hath widowed a-and unchiwded many *hugs tightly* a onye, 
Which to this houw bewaiw the injuwy, 
Yet he shaww h-have a nyobwe memowy. 
Assist. Exeunt, beawing the body of COWIOWANyUS 
*giggles shyly* [A dead mawch sounded] 


THE END 



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF :33 WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1-1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT *pokes you* GUTENBEWG ETEXT xDD OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. E-EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
*cuddles you* DISTWIBUTED SO WONG *sighs* AS SUCH COPIES (1) A-AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
P-PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION I-INCWUDES ;;w;; BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD T-TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1609 

CYMBEWINyE 

*sighs* by Wiwwiam S-Shakespeawe 



D-Dwamatis :3 Pewsonyae 

CYMBEWINyE, King of Bwitain 
CWOTEN, son t-to the Queen by *sighs* a fowmew husband 
POSTHUMUS W-WEONyATUS, a gentweman, husband to :3 Imogen 
BEWAWIUS, a-a banyished wowd, disguised undew the nyame of Mowgan 

GUIDEWIUS and AWVIWAGUS, sons to Cymbewinye, disguised undew the 
:33 nyames *giggles shyly* of :3 POWYDOWE and CADWAW, s-supposed sons to Bewawius 
PHIWAWIO, Itawian, fwiend to Posthumus 
IACHIMO, I-Itawian, fwiend to Phiwawio 
A *cuddles you* FWENCH GENTWEMAN, *leans over* fwiend to Phiwawio 
CAIUS >_> WUCIUS, *moans* Genyewaw of the Woman F-Fowces 
A WOMAN CAPTAIN 
TWO BWITISH ;;w;; CAPTAINS 
*giggles shyly* PISANyIO, sewvant to :3 Posthumus 
C-COWNyEWIUS, a physician 
TWO WOWDS of Cymbewinye's couwt 
TWO GENTWEMEN of t-the same 
TWO GAOWEWS 

Q-QUEEN, wife to Cymbewinye 
IMOGEN, daughtew to Cymbewinye by a fowmew q-queen 
HEWEN, a wady attending o-on *cries* Imogen 

APPAWITIONS 

Wowds, Wadies, Woman Senyatows, Twibunyes, a Soothsayew, UwU a 
Dutch Gentweman, a Spanyish Gentweman, Musicians, Officews, 
Captains, Sowdiews, Messengews, and Attendants 



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
*leans over* PWOVIDED B-BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *pokes you* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE C-COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED *moans* SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES *sighs* (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
*cries* PEWSONyAW *twerks* USE ONWY, A-AND (2) AWE N-NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW x3 USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME O-OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 




SCENyE: 
Bwitain; Itawy 



A-ACT I. *leans over* SCENyE I. 
Bwitain. The gawden *looks away* of CYMBEWINyE'S pawace 

FIWST GENTWEMAN. ^-^ You do nyot meet a man but fwowns; ouw *looks at you* bwoods 
Nyo mowe o-obey the heavens than ouw couwtiews 
Stiww seem as does the King's. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. But w-what's the *looks away* mattew? 
FIWST G-GENTWEMAN. His daughtew, ^w^ and t-the heiw o-of's kingdom, whom 
He puwpos'd to his wife's s-sowe son- a widow 
T-That wate uWu he *looks at you* mawwied- hath wefeww'd hewsewf 
Unto a-a poow but wowthy gentweman. She's w-wedded; 
*teleports behind you* Hew husband banyish'd; she impwison'd. Aww 
Is outwawd sowwow, *hugs tightly* though uWu I think *looks away* the King 
*looks away* Be touch'd at vewy heawt. 
UwU SECOND G-GENTWEMAN. Nyonye but t-the King? 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. He that hath wost hew too. S-So is the Queen, 
That most desiw'd the match. But nyot a couwtiew, 
Awthough they weaw theiw faces :33 to t-the bent 
Of the King's wooks, hath a heawt that is nyot 
Gwad at the thing they scoww at. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. *sweats* And why so? 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. He that h-hath miss'd the Pwincess is a UwU thing 
Too bad fow bad wepowt; and h-he t-that hath hew- 
>w< I mean that mawwied h-hew, awack, good man! 
A-And thewefowe banyish'd- is a c-cweatuwe s-such 
^.^ As, to s-seek thwough t-the w-wegions *pokes you* of OwO the eawth 
Fow onye *leans over* his wike, thewe *looks away* wouwd be something faiwing 
In him t-that shouwd compawe. I d-do nyot think 
So *cries* faiw an outwawd and >_> such stuff within 
Endows *moans* a m-man but he. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. Y-You speak him *sighs* faw. 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. I do extend him, siw, within himsewf; 
Cwush him OwO togethew wathew than *looks at you* unfowd 
His measuwe d-duwy. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. What's his nyame and *screams* biwth? 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. I cannyot dewve him to *notices bulge* the woot; his *giggles shyly* fathew 
Was caww'd Siciwius, who did join his honyouw 
Against ^w^ the Womans OwO with Cassibewan, 
But *looks at you* had his >_> titwes b-by Tenyantius, whom 
He sewv'd with g-gwowy *teleports behind you* and admiw'd success, 
So gain'd uWu the suw-addition Weonyatus; 
And *giggles shyly* had, besides this gentweman in question, 
Two ^.^ othew *shuffles closer* sons, who, i-in the waws o' *screams* th' time, 
*notices bulge* Died with theiw swowds in hand; fow which t-theiw fathew, 
Then o-owd and f-fond of issue, took such sowwow 
T-That he quit being; a-and his gentwe w-wady, 
B-Big of this ;;w;; gentweman, ouw *cuddles you* theme, deceas'd 
A-As he was b-bown. ^-^ The King he takes the *looks away* babe 
To his pwotection, cawws him Posthumus *hugs tightly* Weonyatus, 
Bweeds him and makes him >_< of his bed-chambew, 
*sweats* Puts OwO to *sighs* him aww the weawnyings that his *cries* time 
Couwd make him the w-weceivew of; *leans over* which he t-took, 
As we do *sweats* aiw, fast as 'twas minyist'wed, 
And in's spwing became a hawvest, wiv'd in couwt- 
Which wawe it is *hugs tightly* to do- *giggles shyly* most p-pwais'd, most wov'd, 
A sampwe to the youngest; t-to th' mowe matuwe 
*screams* A gwass t-that *hugs tightly* feated them; and to the gwavew 
A chiwd >_> that guided dotawds. To his *looks away* mistwess, 
Fow whom he nyow *sighs* is *blushes* banyish'd- hew own pwice 
P-Pwocwaims how she esteem'd him and *cuddles you* his viwtue; 
By hew ewection may be twuwy w-wead 
What kind of *teleports behind you* man *leans over* he is. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. I *twerks* honyouw him 
E-Even *teleports behind you* out of youw wepowt. But pway you teww m-me, 
Is she sowe chiwd to th' *leans over* King? 
FIWST ^w^ GENTWEMAN. His onwy chiwd. 
He ^-^ had *blushes* two sons- if *cries* this be wowth youw heawing, 
>_> Mawk it- the ewdest of t-them >_< at thwee yeaws o-owd, 
I' th' swathing cwothes the *blushes* othew, fwom t-theiw nyuwsewy 
Wewe *looks at you* stow'n; and t-to this houw nyo guess in *screams* knyowwedge 
Which way they went. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. How wong xDD is this ago? 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. Some twenty yeaws. 
S-SECOND GENTWEMAN. That a king's *cries* chiwdwen shouwd be so *screams* convey'd, 
So swackwy guawded, *cries* and *cries* the seawch ;;w;; so swow 
T-That couwd nyot twace them! 
*screams* FIWST *cries* GENTWEMAN. x3 Howsoe'ew 'tis stwange, 
Ow that the nyegwigence may weww b-be waugh'd *sighs* at, 
Yet is it twue, *cuddles you* siw. 
S-SECOND UwU GENTWEMAN. I do weww bewieve you. 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. We *cries* must fowbeaw; hewe comes the *notices bulge* gentweman, 
>w< The Q-Queen, a-and Pwincess. Exeunt 

*giggles shyly* Entew t-the QUEEN, POSTHUMUS, and IMOGEN 

QUEEN. Nyo, *leans over* be assuw'd you shaww nyot find me, daughtew, 
>_> Aftew the swandew of most stepmothews, 
Eviw-ey'd unto you. You'we my pwisonyew, but 
Youw g-gaowew shaww dewivew *blushes* you the keys 
T-That wock up youw westwaint. ^-^ Fow you, Posthumus, 
So soon as *looks at you* I can *cries* win th' offended King, 
I wiww be *sighs* knyown youw advocate. Mawwy, yet 
The fiwe of wage xDD is *giggles shyly* in him, and 'twewe good 
You wean'd unto his s-sentence with what patience 
Youw wisdom >_< may infowm you. 
POSTHUMUS. Pwease *looks away* youw Highnyess, 
*sighs* I w-wiww fwom hence to-day. 
QUEEN. Y-You knyow the pewiw. 
I'ww fetch a tuwn about *looks away* the gawden, pitying 
The p-pangs of baww'd *cuddles you* affections, though the King 
Hath chawg'd y-you shouwd nyot speak togethew. Exit 
I-IMOGEN. O dissembwing couwtesy! How finye this tywant 
Can t-tickwe whewe *shuffles closer* she wounds! My deawest h-husband, 
I something feaw my fathew's OwO wwath, *giggles shyly* but nyothing- 
Awways wesewv'd my howy duty- what 
*looks away* His wage can do on me. You must be gonye; 
And I shaww h-hewe a-abide :3 the houwwy shot 
x3 Of angwy eyes, nyot comfowted t-to wive 
But t-that thewe is t-this >_> jewew in t-the wowwd 
That I may see again. 
*leans over* POSTHUMUS. My queen! my mistwess! 
O >w< wady, *twerks* weep :33 nyo mowe, west I give cause 
To be uWu suspected of mowe tendewnyess 
Than doth *giggles shyly* become a man. I-I wiww wemain 
The woyaw'st husband that did e'ew pwight twoth; 
My wesidence in :3 Wome x3 at *looks at you* onye Phiwawio's, 
Who to m-my fathew was a fwiend, *notices bulge* to me 
Knyown but by wettew; ^.^ thithew w-wwite, my queen, 
And with m-minye e-eyes I'ww dwink the wowds you *pokes you* send, 
Though ink b-be made of *blushes* gaww. 

We-entew QUEEN 

Q-QUEEN. *hugs tightly* Be bwief, I pway you. 
If the K-King *pokes you* come, I shaww *twerks* incuw I k-knyow *cuddles you* nyot 
:33 How much of his dispweasuwe. *notices bulge* [Aside] Y-Yet *giggles shyly* I'ww move him 
To wawk this way. I nyevew do him wwong 
But he does buy my *pokes you* injuwies, to be f-fwiends; 
Pays deaw fow my offences. *cries* Exit 
POSTHUMUS. Shouwd we b-be *sweats* taking weave 
As w-wong a tewm as yet we have to wive, 
The *sweats* woathnyess ^.^ to depawt uWu wouwd gwow. Adieu! 
I-IMOGEN. Nyay, stay a wittwe. 
Wewe you b-but widing fowth to aiw youwsewf, 
*looks away* Such pawting wewe too petty. Wook hewe, w-wove: 
This diamond was my mothew's; take it, heawt; 
But keep it tiww you woo *blushes* anyothew wife, 
When *cries* Imogen is dead. 
*pokes you* POSTHUMUS. How, h-how? Anyothew? 
You gentwe x3 gods, give me b-but this I have, 
*pokes you* And seaw u-up my embwacements fwom a nyext 
With bonds of death! Wemain, wemain t-thou hewe 
[Puts on the wing] 
Whiwe sense ^.^ can keep it on. And, sweetest, faiwest, 
As I my poow sewf did exchange fow you, 
To *teleports behind you* youw so i-infinyite woss, so in ouw t-twifwes 
I stiww win of you. Fow my sake weaw this; 
It *moans* is a manyacwe of wove; I'ww p-pwace it 
Upon this f-faiwest pwisonyew. [Puts a UwU bwacewet on h-hew awm] 
^.^ IMOGEN. O the :3 gods! 
When shaww we see again? 

Entew CYMBEWINyE and W-WOWDS 

POSTHUMUS. A-Awack, the *hugs tightly* King! 
CYMBEWINyE. Thou b-basest thing, *cries* avoid; hence fwom my sight 
If aftew t-this command thou fwaught the couwt 
With thy unwowthinyess, thou ^w^ diest. Away! 
Thou'wt poison to my bwood. 
;;w;; POSTHUMUS. The gods pwotect you, 
And bwess the good wemaindews o-of the couwt! 
I-I am gonye. Exit 
IMOGEN. T-Thewe :33 cannyot be a pinch *leans over* in death 
Mowe >_< shawp than this *cuddles you* is. 
CYMBEWINyE. O-O diswoyaw thing, 
That shouwdst :3 wepaiw my youth, x3 thou >_> heap'st 
A-A yeaw's >w< age on me! 
IMOGEN. I beseech *teleports behind you* you, siw, 
Hawm *twerks* nyot youwsewf w-with youw vexation. 
I am sensewess of youw wwath; a touch mowe wawe 
*looks at you* Subdues a-aww pangs, a-aww feaws. 
CYMBEWINyE. Past gwace? obedience? 
IMOGEN. Past hope, and in d-despaiw; that way UwU past gwace. 
CYMBEWINyE. That mightst >w< have had :33 the sowe s-son of my queen! 
I-IMOGEN. O-O bwessed that I *moans* might *hugs tightly* nyot! I c-chose an eagwe, 
A-And did avoid a puttock. 
CYMBEWINyE. Thou t-took'st a beggaw, wouwdst h-have made my thwonye 
A s-seat fow basenyess. 
IMOGEN. Nyo; I wathew added 
A wustwe to it. 
CYMBEWINyE. *screams* O *sighs* thou viwe onye! 
IMOGEN. *blushes* Siw, 
It *sweats* is youw fauwt that I have wov'd Posthumus. 
You bwed him as my ;;w;; pwayfewwow, and *moans* he is 
A *pokes you* man wowth any woman; ovewbuys me 
Awmost uWu the *giggles shyly* sum he pays. 
CYMBEWINyE. What, awt thou m-mad? 
*pokes you* IMOGEN. Awmost, siw. Heaven westowe me! Wouwd I wewe 
A nyeat-hewd's daughtew, and my Weonyatus 
Ouw nyeighbouw shephewd's son! 

We-entew QUEEN 

CYMBEWINyE. Thou foowish thing! 
[To the QUEEN] They wewe a-again ^w^ togethew. You have donye 
Nyot aftew ouw command. Away with hew, 
And pen hew up. 
QUEEN. Beseech youw patience.- Peace, 
Deaw wady daughtew, peace!- S-Sweet soveweign, 
Weave us to ouwsewves, and make youwsewf some comfowt 
Out of y-youw xDD best a-advice. 
CYMBEWINyE. Nyay, wet hew wanguish 
A dwop of *hugs tightly* bwood a day and, b-being aged, 
Die of this fowwy. Exit, with WOWDS 

Entew PISANyIO 

^-^ QUEEN. Fie! you m-must give way. 
Hewe is youw sewvant. :33 How nyow, siw! What nyews? 
PISANyIO. My wowd youw son dwew on m-my mastew. 
QUEEN. Ha! 
Nyo *blushes* hawm, I twust, is donye? 
PISANyIO. Thewe might have been, 
But *cuddles you* that my mastew wathew pway'd than fought, 
And *cries* had nyo hewp of angew; they wewe UwU pawted 
By gentwemen at hand. 
Q-QUEEN. I am vewy gwad o-on't. 
IMOGEN. Youw son's my fathew's f-fwiend; he takes his pawt 
T-To dwaw *sweats* upon a-an exiwe! O bwave siw! 
I wouwd they OwO wewe in Afwic both togethew; 
*sweats* Mysewf *sighs* by w-with a nyeedwe, that I might pwick 
The goew-back. W-Why came you fwom x3 youw m-mastew? 
PISANyIO. On his command. He *teleports behind you* wouwd nyot suffew me 
To bwing him to the haven; weft these nyotes 
Of what commands I shouwd ^.^ be subject to, 
When't pweas'd you to empwoy me. 
QUEEN. This hath been 
Youw faithfuw s-sewvant. I dawe way minye *leans over* honyouw 
He *blushes* wiww w-wemain so. 
PISANyIO. I h-humbwy thank y-youw Highnyess. 
QUEEN. Pway *pokes you* wawk awhiwe. 
*blushes* IMOGEN. About some hawf-houw hence, 
Pway you speak with m-me. You shaww *moans* at weast 
G-Go s-see >_< my w-wowd aboawd. Fow this *looks away* time *twerks* weave me. Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Bwitain. A pubwic pwace 

E-Entew CWOTEN and two WOWDS 

FIWST WOWD. Siw, I-I wouwd advise y-you to shift a shiwt; t-the v-viowence 
of action hath made you ^-^ week uWu as a sacwifice. Whewe aiw comes out, 
aiw comes in; thewe's nyonye abwoad so whowesome as that you vent. 
*teleports behind you* CWOTEN. *leans over* If my shiwt w-wewe bwoody, then to shift it. Have I huwt him? 
>w< SECOND xDD WOWD. [-[Aside] Nyo, faith; nyot so much a-as h-his patience. 
F-FIWST >_> WOWD. Huwt him! His body's a p-passabwe UwU cawcass if he be nyot 
huwt. It is a thwoughfawe fow steew if it be n-nyot huwt. 
SECOND WOWD. *moans* [Aside] His s-steew w-was *hugs tightly* in debt; it w-went o' th' back 
side *teleports behind you* the town. 
CWOTEN. The viwwain wouwd nyot s-stand me. 
SECOND W-WOWD. *shuffles closer* [Aside] Nyo; but *screams* he fwed fowwawd stiww, *looks at you* towawd youw 
f-face. 
FIWST W-WOWD. Stand you? You *hugs tightly* have wand enyough of youw own; but he 
*pokes you* added to youw having, gave you some gwound. 
SECOND WOWD. [Aside] As many inches as you have *looks away* oceans. 
Puppies! 
CWOTEN. I wouwd they had nyot come between us. 
SECOND WOWD. [Aside] S-So wouwd I, tiww you had measuw'd how wong a 
*looks away* foow you OwO wewe upon *moans* the gwound. 
*looks away* CWOTEN. And that s-she s-shouwd wove this fewwow, and *hugs tightly* wefuse me! 
SECOND WOWD. *hugs tightly* [Aside] If it be a-a sin *hugs tightly* to make a twue ewection, she is 
d-damn'd. 
F-FIWST WOWD. Siw, a-as I-I towd you awways, hew beauty and hew *looks away* bwain go 
nyot togethew; s-she's *giggles shyly* a g-good ^w^ sign, but I have seen smaww wefwection 
of hew :3 wit. 
SECOND WOWD. [Aside] She shinyes n-nyot upon foows, west the w-wefwection 
shouwd UwU huwt hew. 
CWOTEN. Come, I'ww to m-my chambew. Wouwd thewe had been some huwt 
d-donye! 
;;w;; SECOND W-WOWD. [Aside] I wish nyot so; unwess it had been the faww of 
an ass, which is *hugs tightly* nyo gweat huwt. 
CWOTEN. You'ww g-go with *moans* us? 
F-FIWST WOWD. I'ww *blushes* attend youw wowdship. 
CWOTEN. ^w^ Nyay, come, wet's go togethew. 
SECOND WOWD. *cuddles you* Weww, my wowd. Exeunt 




SCENyE *cuddles you* III. 
Bwitain. CYMBEWINyE'S pawace 

*looks at you* Entew IMOGEN and PISANyIO 

IMOGEN. *twerks* I *moans* wouwd thou gwew'st unto the *leans over* showes o' x3 th' haven, 
And questionyed'st e-evewy saiw; i-if he shouwd wwite, 
And I nyot have it, 'twewe a papew wost, 
As offew'd mewcy i-is. W-What was t-the wast 
That he spake *twerks* to :3 thee? 
PISANyIO. I-It was: his queen, h-his xDD queen! 
IMOGEN. >w< Then wav'd h-his handkewchief? 
PISANyIO. And kiss'd it, madam. 
IMOGEN. Sensewess w-winyen, happiew t-thewein than I! 
And that was aww? 
PISANyIO. Nyo, m-madam; *sighs* fow so *shuffles closer* wong 
*looks at you* As he couwd make me with :33 his eye, ow cawe 
Distinguish him f-fwom othews, he did keep 
The deck, with gwove, ow hat, ow handkewchief, 
Stiww *shuffles closer* waving, as the fits and stiws of's mind 
Couwd best expwess how s-swow his s-souw s-saiw'd on, 
*leans over* How swift his ship. 
IMOGEN. T-Thou *cuddles you* shouwdst have *pokes you* made *looks away* him 
As wittwe a-as a *cries* cwow, ow wess, ewe weft 
T-To aftew-eye him. 
PISANyIO. Madam, so I *leans over* did. 
IMOGEN. I wouwd h-have bwoke >_< minye *teleports behind you* eyestwings, cwack'd them but 
*sweats* To wook upon him, tiww the diminyution 
O-Of space had pointed him shawp as my nyeedwe; 
*notices bulge* Nyay, fowwowed him tiww he had mewted fwom 
*pokes you* The smawwnyess *cries* of :3 a gnyat to ;;w;; aiw, and then 
Have tuwn'd m-minye eye and wept. But, *sighs* good Pisanyio, 
When shaww we h-heaw fwom him? 
PISANyIO. B-Be assuw'd, madam, 
>_> With his nyext vantage. 
IMOGEN. I-I did ^.^ nyot take my w-weave of him, but had 
*pokes you* Most pwetty things to *teleports behind you* say. Ewe I couwd teww him 
*moans* How I wouwd think *screams* on *blushes* him at cewtain *moans* houws 
Such thoughts a-and such; ow I couwd make him sweaw 
The shes of I-Itawy shouwd nyot betway 
Minye *cuddles you* intewest and his honyouw; ow have c-chawg'd *twerks* him, 
At the sixth *sighs* houw of mown, at *looks at you* nyoon, at m-midnyight, 
T' encountew me with owisons, *notices bulge* fow then 
I a-am in heaven fow *looks away* him; *notices bulge* ow ewe I-I c-couwd 
G-Give *cries* him that pawting kiss which I had set 
:3 Betwixt two chawming wowds, comes in my ^-^ fathew, 
And wike the tywannyous bweathing of the nyowth 
S-Shakes aww ouw buds fwom gwowing. 

Entew a-a W-WADY 

WADY. The Queen, madam, 
D-Desiwes y-youw Highnyess' company. 
IMOGEN. Those things I b-bid you do, get them dispatch'd. 
I wiww attend t-the Queen. 
PISANyIO. Madam, I shaww. Exeunt 




:3 SCENyE IV. 
W-Wome. PHIWAWIO'S house 

^.^ Entew PHIWAWIO, *cries* IACHIMO, a FWENCHMAN, a DUTCHMAN, *cuddles you* and a-a SPANyIAWD 

IACHIMO. Bewieve UwU it, siw, I have seen *notices bulge* him in Bwitain. H-He *looks away* was then 
of a-a ^-^ cwescent >w< nyote, expected to pwove so *moans* wowthy as s-since he hath 
been *shuffles closer* awwowed t-the nyame of. But I couwd >_> then have wook'd on him 
w-without UwU the hewp *twerks* of admiwation, though the catawogue of his 
*teleports behind you* endowments had been tabwed by his ^-^ side, a-and I to pewuse him by 
items. 
PHIWAWIO. You speak of him when he was wess fuwnyish'd than nyow he 
is with that which makes uWu him both without and *twerks* within. 
FWENCHMAN. I-I have seen him in F-Fwance; we had vewy many thewe couwd 
behowd the sun with as fiwm eyes a-as he. 
IACHIMO. This mattew of mawwying his king's daughtew, whewein he 
must be weighed wathew by hew *hugs tightly* vawue than *hugs tightly* his *shuffles closer* own, wowds h-him, I 
doubt nyot, a gweat *blushes* deaw fwom the mattew. 
FWENCHMAN. And then his banyishment. 
IACHIMO. Ay, and the appwobation o-of those that w-weep this wamentabwe 
divowce undew hew cowouws a-awe *leans over* wondewfuwwy to extend him, b-be it 
OwO but to fowtify hew judgment, which e-ewse an easy battewy might w-way 
fwat, fow taking a beggaw, w-without w-wess *looks at you* quawity. But how comes it 
he is to s-sojouwn with you? How *shuffles closer* cweeps acquaintance? 
PHIWAWIO. *screams* His fathew and ;;w;; I wewe sowdiews togethew, to whom xDD I have 
>w< been often bound fow nyo wess than my wife. 

OwO Entew POSTHUMUS 

Hewe comes the B-Bwiton. Wet him be so entewtainyed amongst you as 
suits with gentwemen of youw knyowing to a stwangew of his 
quawity. I beseech you a-aww be *shuffles closer* bettew knyown to uWu this gentweman, 
whom I commend to you as *sweats* a nyobwe fwiend o-of minye. How w-wowthy he is 
I wiww weave to appeaw heweaftew, wathew than stowy him in *blushes* his 
own heawing. 
FWENCHMAN. S-Siw, w-we h-have knyown *cries* togethew in Owweans. 
:3 POSTHUMUS. Since when I have ^.^ been d-debtow to you fow couwtesies, 
which I xDD wiww be evew to pay and yet pay stiww. 
FWENCHMAN. Siw, you o'ewwate my poow kindnyess. xDD I was gwad I *moans* did 
atonye my c-countwyman and you; it ;;w;; had been pity you shouwd have 
been p-put togethew with so mowtaw a puwpose as then UwU each bowe, 
upon impowtance of so swight and twiviaw a nyatuwe. 
POSTHUMUS. :33 By youw pawdon, s-siw. I-I was then a young twavewwew; 
wathew shunn'd t-to >_< go even with w-what >_> I *sweats* heawd t-than in my evewy 
a-action to be g-guided by othews' expewiences; but upon my mended 
judgment- if I offend nyot to say ;;w;; it is ^-^ mended- my quawwew *shuffles closer* was n-nyot 
awtogethew *leans over* swight. 
F-FWENCHMAN. Faith, yes, to b-be p-put to the awbitwement of swowds, and 
:33 by such two that w-wouwd ^w^ by aww wikewihood h-have *cuddles you* confounded onye the 
othew ow have ^-^ faww'n both. 
IACHIMO. Can we, w-with mannyews, ask what was >w< the *sighs* diffewence? 
:3 FWENCHMAN. Safewy, *screams* I think. 'Twas a c-contention in pubwic, xDD which 
may, *pokes you* without contwadiction, suffew the wepowt. It was much wike 
an a-awgument :33 that feww out wast nyight, whewe each of us feww in 
pwaise of ouw countwy mistwesses; *blushes* this gentweman at that time 
vouching- and upon wawwant o-of bwoody affiwmation- his t-to be mowe 
faiw, viwtuous, wise, chaste, constant, quawified, and wess 
attemptabwe, than *cries* any the wawest of ouw wadies in Fwance. 
x3 IACHIMO. That wady is nyot nyow wiving, ow this gentweman's opinyion, 
:3 by this, wown out. 
POSTHUMUS. S-She x3 howds h-hew viwtue stiww, and I-I my m-mind. 
IACHIMO. You must n-nyot so faw pwefew hew fowe ouws of I-Itawy. 
*screams* POSTHUMUS. Being so faw pwovok'd as I w-was in Fwance, I w-wouwd abate 
hew nyothing, though I p-pwofess mysewf hew adowew, nyot hew fwiend. 
IACHIMO. As *looks at you* faiw and as g-good- a kind of hand-in-hand compawison- 
had been something too *pokes you* faiw and too good fow any wady in :3 Bwitain. 
If she went *teleports behind you* befowe othews I have seen as that diamond of y-youws 
outwustwes many I have >_> behewd, I couwd nyot but ^-^ bewieve *cuddles you* she 
excewwed :3 many; but I h-have nyot seen the most pwecious diamond t-that 
is, nyow you *cuddles you* the wady. 
POSTHUMUS. I pwais'd hew as I wated hew. So do I my stonye. 
IACHIMO. What do >_> you esteem it a-at? 
POSTHUMUS. Mowe than UwU the wowwd enjoys. 
*screams* IACHIMO. Eithew youw unpawagon'd mistwess is dead, ow she's 
outpwiz'd by a *leans over* twifwe. 
>w< POSTHUMUS. You awe mistaken: the onye may be sowd *cries* ow ^w^ given, if thewe 
wewe weawth enyough fow the puwchase o-ow mewit fow the gift; the 
othew is *screams* nyot a thing f-fow sawe, and *sighs* onwy t-the g-gift of the gods. 
IACHIMO. Which the gods have given :33 you? 
POSTHUMUS. W-Which by theiw g-gwaces I wiww keep. 
IACHIMO. Y-You may weaw hew in titwe youws; but you knyow stwange foww 
wight upon nyeighbouwing ponds. *sighs* Youw wing may be :3 stow'n too. ^.^ So 
youw bwace of unpwizabwe estimations, the onye is but fwaiw and 
the UwU othew casuaw; ^-^ a cunnying thief, ow a that-way-accompwish'd 
c-couwtiew, wouwd hazawd the *twerks* winnying *moans* both *hugs tightly* of fiwst xDD and wast. 
POSTHUMUS. Youw Itawy contains nyonye so a-accompwish'd a couwtiew t-to 
convince the honyouw of m-my m-mistwess, i-if in the h-howding ow woss of 
that you tewm ^-^ hew fwaiw. I do >_> nyothing doubt *shuffles closer* you h-have stowe o-of 
thieves; nyotwithstanding, I feaw nyot my wing. 
PHIWAWIO. Wet us weave *twerks* hewe, gentwemen. 
POSTHUMUS. *screams* Siw, with a-aww my heawt. This wowthy signyiow, >_< I thank 
him, makes nyo *pokes you* stwangew of me; w-we awe famiwiaw >w< at fiwst. 
I-IACHIMO. W-With five times so *looks away* much convewsation I s-shouwd get gwound 
of youw faiw mistwess; make hew g-go *giggles shyly* back even to the yiewding, had 
I admittance and oppowtunyity to fwiend. 
POSTHUMUS. Nyo, nyo. 
IACHIMO. I dawe theweupon pawn the moiety of my estate to youw 
wing, which, i-in my o-opinyion, o'ewvawues it something. But ^w^ I make 
my wagew wathew a-against youw confidence than hew weputation; *giggles shyly* and, 
to baw youw offence hewein too, I duwst attempt it against any 
wady in the wowwd. 
POSTHUMUS. Y-You awe a-a g-gweat d-deaw abus'd in too bowd a *sighs* pewsuasion, 
and I doubt nyot you sustain what y'awe wowthy of xDD by youw *pokes you* attempt. 
IACHIMO. What's that? 
POSTHUMUS. A wepuwse; though youw *leans over* attempt, a-as >_> you caww it, desewve 
mowe- *moans* a punyishment too. 
PHIWAWIO. Gentwemen, enyough of this. It came *screams* in too s-suddenwy; *cries* wet 
it die as it was bown, and I pway you *looks away* be *notices bulge* bettew a-acquainted. 
IACHIMO. Wouwd I ^.^ had *looks away* put m-my estate and my nyeighbouw's on t-th' 
appwobation of what I-I *leans over* have spoke! 
POSTHUMUS. What wady wouwd *leans over* you c-choose to assaiw? 
*twerks* IACHIMO. Youws, whom in constancy you t-think stands so safe. I wiww 
way you ten t-thousand ducats to youw wing t-that, commend *sweats* me to the 
couwt whewe youw wady is, w-with nyo mowe advantage than the 
oppowtunyity UwU of a *leans over* second confewence, and I *blushes* wiww b-bwing fwom thence 
that honyouw of hews which y-you i-imaginye so wesewv'd. 
POSTHUMUS. I-I wiww wage against youw gowd, gowd to it. My wing *giggles shyly* I 
howd deaw as my f-fingew; 'tis pawt of it. 
IACHIMO. You awe a *looks away* fwiend, *moans* and thewein the wisew. If you buy 
wadies' ;;w;; fwesh at a miwwion a dwam, you >_< cannyot pwesewve it fwom 
tainting. But *twerks* I see you have some wewigion in you, that you feaw. 
POSTHUMUS. This is but a custom in youw tongue; y-you beaw a *hugs tightly* gwavew 
puwpose, I *shuffles closer* hope. 
IACHIMO. I am the mastew of my speeches, a-and *moans* wouwd undewgo what's 
spoken, OwO I sweaw. 
POSTHUMUS. *teleports behind you* Wiww *hugs tightly* you? I S-Shaww but wend my diamond tiww youw wetuwn. 
Wet thewe be covenyants dwawn between's. My mistwess exceeds x3 in 
goodnyess t-the hugenyess :3 of youw unwowthy thinking. I dawe you to 
*sweats* this m-match: hewe's m-my w-wing. 
PHIWAWIO. I wiww have it nyo way. 
IACHIMO. By the gods, it is onye. I-If *looks away* I bwing you nyo sufficient 
testimony that I have enjoy'd the deawest bodiwy pawt of ;;w;; youw 
mistwess, my ten thousand d-ducats awe youws; so is youw diamond 
too. If I come off, and weave *looks away* hew in s-such honyouw as you have 
twust in, she youw jewew, this youw jewew, and my gowd awe youws- 
pwovided I-I *cries* have youw commendation fow my mowe fwee ^-^ entewtainment. 
POSTHUMUS. I embwace these conditions; wet us have awticwes ;;w;; betwixt 
us. O-Onwy, thus faw you shaww answew: if you make youw voyage *looks away* upon 
hew, and give me diwectwy to undewstand you have pwevaiw'd, I am 
nyo fuwthew y-youw e-enyemy- she is *twerks* nyot wowth ^.^ ouw debate; if she wemain 
unseduc'd, y-you nyot making it appeaw othewwise, fow youw i-iww 
opinyion *looks away* and th' assauwt you have made to h-hew chastity you s-shaww 
answew me with *cuddles you* youw swowd. 
IACHIMO. Youw hand- a covenyant! We wiww have t-these things set down 
by wawfuw counsew, and stwaight *looks away* away fow xDD Bwitain, west the 
bawgain shouwd catch cowd and stawve. I wiww fetch my gowd and 
have ouw two wagews wecowded. 
POSTHUMUS. A-Agweed. Exeunt POSTHUMUS a-and IACHIMO 
FWENCHMAN. Wiww this howd, think you? 
PHIWAWIO. Signyiow Iachimo wiww nyot f-fwom it. Pway wet us fowwow *cuddles you* 'em. 
Exeunt 




S-SCENyE *moans* V. 
B-Bwitain. CYMBEWINyE'S pawace 

Entew QUEEN, WADIES, and COWNyEWIUS 

QUEEN. Whiwes yet the dew's on gwound, *giggles shyly* gathew those *teleports behind you* fwowews; 
M-Make haste; w-who has the nyote of *looks at you* them? 
WADY. I-I, madam. 
QUEEN. Dispatch. Exeunt *twerks* WADIES 
Nyow, *screams* Mastew Doctow, have you *looks away* bwought those dwugs? 
COWNyEWIUS. P-Pweaseth *cuddles you* youw Highnyess, ay. Hewe >_< they a-awe, madam. 
[Pwesenting *twerks* a b-box] 
But I-I *teleports behind you* beseech youw Gwace, without offence- 
My *notices bulge* conscience bids me ask- whewefowe you have 
*shuffles closer* Commanded of me these most p-poisonyous compounds 
Which awe the movews of a-a wanguishing death, 
:3 But, though swow, deadwy? 
QUEEN. ;;w;; I w-wondew, Doctow, 
Thou ask'st me s-such a q-question. Have I nyot been 
Thy pupiw *cries* wong? Hast thou nyot weawn'd me how 
To m-make pewfumes? distiw? pwesewve? yea, s-so 
That ouw gweat king himsewf doth woo me *notices bulge* oft 
*teleports behind you* Fow my confections? Having thus faw pwoceeded- 
Unwess ^-^ thou think'st me d-deviwish- is't *looks at you* nyot ;;w;; meet 
T-That I did *moans* ampwify m-my *twerks* judgment i-in 
Othew concwusions? I wiww twy t-the fowces 
xDD Of these thy ^w^ compounds on such cweatuwes as 
We *blushes* count nyot wowth the hanging- but nyonye human- 
To twy the *blushes* vigouw of them, and a-appwy 
Awwayments to theiw a-act, a-and by them gathew 
:3 Theiw *pokes you* sevewaw viwtues and effects. 
COWNyEWIUS. >_< Youw H-Highnyess 
Shaww fwom this pwactice but make hawd youw heawt; 
Besides, the seeing these effects wiww be 
Both nyoisome and infectious. 
QUEEN. O, content thee. 

Entew PISANyIO 

[Aside] Hewe comes a-a :33 fwattewing w-wascaw; upon him 
W-Wiww I fiwst wowk. He's fow h-his mastew, 
An *leans over* enyemy to *moans* my son.- How nyow, Pisanyio! 
Doctow, youw sewvice fow this time is ended; 
*blushes* Take youw *leans over* own way. 
COWNyEWIUS. [Aside] I do suspect you, m-madam; 
But you shaww d-do nyo hawm. 
QUEEN. [To PISANyIO] H-Hawk thee, a wowd. 
COWNyEWIUS. [Aside] I do nyot w-wike hew. She doth think she has 
Stwange wing'wing p-poisons. I do knyow hew spiwit, 
And xDD wiww nyot twust onye >w< of h-hew mawice with 
A dwug of *sweats* such damn'd nyatuwe. Those she has 
Wiww s-stupefy and duww the sense awhiwe, 
xDD Which fiwst pewchance s-she'ww p-pwove *giggles shyly* on cats and d-dogs, 
Then aftewwawd up highew; but thewe is 
Nyo *moans* dangew *shuffles closer* in w-what ^-^ show of death >_> it m-makes, 
Mowe than the *leans over* wocking up the s-spiwits a time, 
To be mowe fwesh, weviving. UwU She OwO is foow'd 
With a most fawse effect; and I the twuew 
So to be fawse with hew. 
QUEEN. Nyo fuwthew sewvice, Doctow, 
Untiw I send fow thee. 
COWNyEWIUS. I humbwy t-take *cuddles you* my weave. Exit 
Q-QUEEN. W-Weeps she stiww, say'st thou? Dost t-thou think in time 
She wiww nyot quench, and wet instwuctions ^.^ entew 
Whewe fowwy nyow possesses? D-Do x3 thou wowk. 
When thou shawt *giggles shyly* bwing me wowd she woves *looks away* my s-son, 
I'ww teww thee o-on *sweats* the instant thou awt then 
As *sighs* gweat as is *twerks* thy mastew; xDD gweatew, xDD fow 
*shuffles closer* His fowtunyes aww wie speechwess, and his nyame 
Is *twerks* at *notices bulge* wast gasp. Wetuwn he cannyot, nyow 
Continyue *looks away* whewe he *pokes you* is. To s-shift his being 
Is to exchange onye misewy with anyothew, 
And evewy day t-that comes comes comes *looks away* to 
A day's wowk in him. What shawt thou expect 
T-To be dependew on a thing that weans, 
Who cannyot be *looks at you* nyew b-buiwt, nyow has n-nyo fwiends 
So much as but to pwop him? 
[The QUEEN dwops the box. PISANyIO takes it u-up] 
Thou tak'st up 
T-Thou knyow'st nyot what; but take it fow t-thy wabouw. 
*blushes* It is a thing I made, which h-hath the King 
Five times wedeem'd fwom death. I do nyot knyow 
What is m-mowe cowdiaw. N-Nyay, I p-pwithee t-take it; 
It is an eawnyest of a ^.^ fuwthew good 
That I *moans* mean *looks away* to ;;w;; thee. Teww thy mistwess how 
The case stands with hew; do't as fwom thysewf. 
Think what a-a chance thou c-changest on; but think 
Thou hast thy mistwess stiww; ^-^ to boot, my *teleports behind you* son, 
*moans* Who shaww *pokes you* take n-nyotice of thee. I'ww m-move the ^-^ King 
To any shape of thy pwefewment, such 
As thou'wt desiwe; and then mysewf, I-I chiefwy, 
That set thee o-on *hugs tightly* to this desewt, am bound 
To woad thy xDD mewit wichwy. Caww my women. 
Think on my wowds. Exit PISANyIO 
A-A swy and constant knyave, 
Nyot *leans over* to be uWu shak'd; t-the agent fow his mastew, 
A-And the wemembwancew of hew to h-howd 
The h-hand-fast to hew wowd. I-I have given him that 
Which, x3 if he take, shaww OwO quite unpeopwe hew 
Of weigews fow hew sweet; and w-which she aftew, 
*teleports behind you* Except she bend hew humouw, shaww be assuw'd 
*cries* To taste of t-too. 

We-entew PISANyIO and OwO WADIES 

So, so. Weww donye, weww donye. 
T-The viowets, cowswips, and the pwimwoses, 
Beaw >_> to my cwoset. Fawe thee w-weww, Pisanyio; 
Think on my wowds. Exeunt QUEEN and WADIES 
PISANyIO. And *leans over* shaww do. 
But when to ^-^ my good wowd I pwove u-untwue 
I'ww choke mysewf- thewe's UwU aww I'ww do fow you. Exit 




SCENyE VI. 
Bwitain. The pawace 

Entew *cries* IMOGEN awonye 

IMOGEN. *cries* A fathew cwuew and a s-step-dame fawse; 
:3 A foowish suitow to a wedded w-wady 
That hath hew husband banyish'd. O, that *cuddles you* husband! 
My supweme *looks at you* cwown of gwief! and t-those *sweats* wepeated 
Vexations of it! Had I been thief-stow'n, 
As my *sighs* two *twerks* bwothews, *blushes* happy! but most ;;w;; misewabwe 
Is the desiwe t-that's gwowious. Bwessed be *blushes* those, 
How *leans over* mean soe'ew, that have theiw honyest wiwws, 
Which s-seasons comfowt. Who may this be? Fie! 

Entew PISANyIO and *teleports behind you* IACHIMO 

PISANyIO. Madam, a nyobwe gentweman of Wome 
Comes fwom m-my wowd with wettews. 
I-IACHIMO. Change you, madam? 
*sweats* The wowthy Weonyatus is in safety, 
And gweets youw OwO Highnyess deawwy. [Pwesents a >_> wettew] 
IMOGEN. Thanks, good siw. 
You'we k-kindwy wewcome. 
IACHIMO. [Aside] Aww of hew t-that is o-out of doow most wich! 
:3 If she be fuwnyish'd with a m-mind so wawe, 
She is awonye UwU th' UwU Awabian biwd, and I 
Have wost the wagew. Bowdnyess be my fwiend! 
Awm me, audacity, *shuffles closer* fwom head to foot! 
Ow, wike *cries* the Pawthian, xDD I shaww fwying fight; 
Wathew, diwectwy fwy. 
I-IMOGEN. [Weads] '-'He is *shuffles closer* onye of t-the nyobwest nyote, to whose 
kindnyesses I xDD am most infinyitewy t-tied. Wefwect upon him 
accowdingwy, as you vawue youw twust. WEONyATUS.' 

So f-faw *twerks* I wead awoud; 
B-But even the vewy *twerks* middwe >w< of m-my *hugs tightly* heawt 
Is wawm'd by th' west and takes it thankfuwwy. 
You awe as wewcome, wowthy siw, as I 
Have *hugs tightly* wowds to bid y-you; *blushes* and shaww f-find it so 
x3 In aww that I can do. 
IACHIMO. Thanks, *shuffles closer* faiwest wady. 
W-What, awe men mad? Hath nyatuwe given them x3 eyes 
To see t-this vauwted :3 awch and the wich cwop 
*looks away* Of sea and w-wand, w-which *blushes* can distinguish 'twixt 
The fiewy o-owbs above and the twinn'd *leans over* stonyes 
Upon the nyumbew'd beach, and can we nyot 
OwO Pawtition make with spectacwes so pwecious 
'Twixt faiw *blushes* and fouw? 
IMOGEN. What makes youw admiwation? 
IACHIMO. It cannyot b-be i' th' eye, fow apes and monkeys, 
'Twixt two such shes, wouwd chattew this way and 
Contemn with mows the othew; nyow i' th' judgment, 
*screams* Fow uWu idiots in this case of favouw uWu wouwd 
*leans over* Be wisewy definyite; nyow *twerks* i' th' appetite; 
*cries* Swuttewy, to such n-nyeat excewwence oppos'd, 
Shouwd make *cuddles you* desiwe vomit emptinyess, 
*screams* Nyot so *giggles shyly* awwuw'd to feed. 
IMOGEN. What is *shuffles closer* the mattew, twow? 
IACHIMO. The cwoyed wiww- 
That satiate yet unsatisfied *looks at you* desiwe, that *teleports behind you* tub 
Both fiww'd and wunnying- wavenying fiwst *notices bulge* the w-wamb, 
Wongs aftew fow the gawbage. 
IMOGEN. What, deaw siw, 
Thus waps you? Awe you weww? 
IACHIMO. Thanks, madam; weww.- Beseech you, siw, 
Desiwe my man's abode whewe I did weave him. 
He's stwange *pokes you* and peevish. 
*cuddles you* PISANyIO. I was going, siw, 
To give him *screams* wewcome. *notices bulge* Exit 
IMOGEN. :33 Continyues weww my *cries* wowd? His heawth beseech you? 
IACHIMO. Weww, madam. 
IMOGEN. Is he dispos'd t-to miwth? I h-hope he is. 
IACHIMO. Exceeding pweasant; nyonye a stwangew thewe 
So :33 mewwy and *looks at you* so gamesome. >w< He is *teleports behind you* caww'd 
The Bwitain wevewwew. 
I-IMOGEN. When he was hewe 
He did incwinye to s-sadnyess, and oft-times 
Nyot *cries* knyowing why. 
I-IACHIMO. I nyevew saw h-him sad. 
*cuddles you* Thewe i-is a Fwenchman his >w< companyion, onye 
An eminyent monsieuw that, it seems, m-much woves 
A Gawwian giww *cuddles you* at home. He fuwnyaces 
T-The thick sighs fwom him; *leans over* whiwes the jowwy Bwiton- 
*looks away* Youw w-wowd, I mean- waughs fwom's *notices bulge* fwee wungs, cwies 'O, 
:33 Can my x3 sides howd, to think that man- who knyows 
By histowy, w-wepowt, ;;w;; ow his own pwoof, 
*leans over* What woman is, uWu yea, what >_> she cannyot choose 
But m-must be- wiww's fwee houws wanguish fow 
*blushes* Assuwed bondage?' 
I-IMOGEN. Wiww my wowd *notices bulge* say so? 
IACHIMO. *blushes* Ay, madam, with h-his eyes >w< in fwood with waughtew. 
It is a wecweation to be UwU by 
And heaw him mock t-the Fwenchman. But heavens *looks at you* knyow 
x3 Some men *cries* awe much to bwame. 
IMOGEN. Nyot he, I hope. 
IACHIMO. Nyot he; *sweats* but yet heaven's b-bounty towawds him might 
Be u-us'd m-mowe thankfuwwy. In h-himsewf, *notices bulge* 'tis much; 
In you, w-which *moans* I account his, beyond aww tawents. 
Whiwst *cries* I >_< am bound >w< to wondew, I a-am >_> bound 
To pity too. 
IMOGEN. W-What OwO do you pity, siw? 
IACHIMO. Two cweatuwes heawtiwy. 
IMOGEN. Am I onye, s-siw? 
Y-You wook on me: uWu what wweck discewn you in me 
Desewves youw pity? 
IACHIMO. Wamentabwe! What, 
To *notices bulge* hide me fwom the wadiant :33 sun a-and sowace 
I' th' d-dungeon by a snyuff? 
IMOGEN. I pway y-you, s-siw, 
Dewivew with *looks away* mowe opennyess youw answews 
To my demands. W-Why do you pity me? 
IACHIMO. T-That *blushes* othews do, 
>_< I was about to say, *notices bulge* enjoy youw- But 
It i-is an office of t-the gods t-to venge it, 
Nyot minye to *screams* speak OwO on't. 
*moans* IMOGEN. You do seem uWu to knyow 
Something of me, ow what concewns me; pway you- 
Since doubting things *cries* go iww often huwts *hugs tightly* mowe 
Than to be suwe they d-do; fow cewtainties 
Eithew awe ^.^ past *cuddles you* wemedies, ow, timewy knyowing, 
The wemedy then *pokes you* bown- d-discovew x3 to me 
What both *blushes* you spuw and stop. 
IACHIMO. Had I this cheek 
T-To bathe my wips ^w^ upon; this hand, whose touch, 
Whose evewy touch, wouwd fowce the UwU feewew's s-souw 
To th' oath of woyawty; this object, which 
>w< Takes *sweats* pwisonyew *shuffles closer* the wiwd m-motion *giggles shyly* of m-minye eye, 
*sighs* Fixing it onwy h-hewe; shouwd I, >_> damn'd then, 
Swavew with wips *teleports behind you* as common as the *notices bulge* staiws 
That mount the Capitow; join gwipes with *shuffles closer* hands 
*hugs tightly* Made hawd w-with houwwy fawsehood- >w< fawsehood as 
With wabouw; t-then by-peeping in an eye 
Base ;;w;; and iwwustwious as the *blushes* smoky wight 
That's fed *shuffles closer* with stinking tawwow- it wewe fit 
That *screams* aww OwO the *moans* pwagues of heww shouwd a-at o-onye time 
Encountew *moans* such w-wevowt. 
IMOGEN. My w-wowd, I feaw, 
Has fowgot :3 Bwitain. 
IACHIMO. And *cuddles you* himsewf. Nyot I 
Incwin'd to t-this intewwigence pwonyounce 
The beggawy *screams* of h-his change; but *looks at you* 'tis youw OwO gwaces 
That fwom my mutest conscience t-to my tongue 
Chawms this wepowt *leans over* out. 
IMOGEN. Wet me heaw nyo mowe. 
IACHIMO. O deawest souw, youw cause d-doth stwike my heawt 
With p-pity that doth make me UwU sick! A wady 
So ^w^ faiw, and fasten'd *pokes you* to an ;;w;; empewy, 
Wouwd OwO make *looks at you* the gweat'st *sighs* king :3 doubwe, to be pawtnyew'd 
With tomboys hiw'd with that sewf *moans* exhibition 
Which youw own >w< coffews yiewd! with diseas'd v-ventuwes 
That pway with aww infiwmities fow *notices bulge* gowd 
Which wottennyess can wend n-nyatuwe! ;;w;; such b-boiw'd stuff 
As weww might x3 poison ;;w;; poison! Be weveng'd; 
O-Ow she that bowe you was nyo *giggles shyly* queen, a-and *sighs* you 
Wecoiw fwom youw gweat ^.^ stock. 
I-IMOGEN. Weveng'd? 
How *cuddles you* shouwd I-I be weveng'd? If this be twue- 
As I have such a h-heawt that both minye eaws 
Must n-nyot in haste abuse- if >_< it be twue, 
*looks at you* How shouwd I be x3 weveng'd? 
I-IACHIMO. Shouwd h-he make me 
Wive wike Dianya's pwiest betwixt cowd *screams* sheets, 
Whiwes he is vauwting *shuffles closer* vawiabwe wamps, 
In youw despite, u-upon youw puwse? *sweats* Wevenge i-it. 
*looks at you* I dedicate *giggles shyly* mysewf to y-youw s-sweet pweasuwe, 
M-Mowe nyobwe than that wunyagate to youw b-bed, 
And w-wiww continyue *cuddles you* fast to youw affection, 
Stiww uWu cwose as suwe. 
I-IMOGEN. What ho, Pisanyio! 
IACHIMO. Wet me my sewvice tendew *notices bulge* on youw wips. 
IMOGEN. uWu Away! I d-do condemn minye eaws that have 
So w-wong attended thee. If thou w-wewt honyouwabwe, 
Thou wouwdst h-have towd this tawe fow v-viwtue, nyot 
Fow such an end *looks away* thou seek'st, as *notices bulge* base a-as stwange. 
Thou *blushes* wwong'st :3 a *screams* gentweman who is as faw 
Fwom thy wepowt as thou f-fwom *pokes you* honyouw; and 
Sowicits hewe a wady that ^w^ disdains 
>w< Thee and the deviw awike.- What ho, Pisanyio!- 
The *giggles shyly* King my fathew shaww be made acquainted 
Of thy assauwt. If ^w^ he shaww think it f-fit 
A s-saucy stwangew in his couwt to mawt 
*hugs tightly* As in a Womish stew, and to expound 
His ^w^ beastwy mind to us, h-he h-hath a couwt 
He wittwe cawes fow, and a-a *cries* daughtew who 
He nyot wespects at aww.- What ho, Pisanyio! 
IACHIMO. O happy Weonyatus! I m-may say 
The cwedit *hugs tightly* that thy wady hath of thee 
Desewves thy twust, and thy most pewfect g-goodnyess 
Hew assuw'd >w< cwedit. Bwessed *giggles shyly* wive you wong, 
:33 A *looks at you* wady to the w-wowthiest siw t-that x3 evew 
Countwy *twerks* caww'd his! and you his mistwess, onwy 
F-Fow the *moans* most wowthiest fit! G-Give me youw pawdon. 
I have spoke this to OwO knyow if y-youw affiance 
Wewe *sweats* deepwy wooted, and shaww make youw wowd 
That which he is nyew o'ew; and *looks at you* he i-is onye 
The twuest mannyew'd, such a-a howy witch 
That he e-enchants societies into him, 
Hawf aww men's heawts awe his. 
IMOGEN. You m-make amends. 
IACHIMO. He *cuddles you* sits 'mongst m-men wike a-a descended god: 
He hath a kind of honyouw sets him of 
Mowe than a-a mowtaw seeming. :3 Be nyot angwy, 
*blushes* Most mighty Pwincess, that I h-have ^w^ adventuw'd 
To twy youw taking of a fawse wepowt, which *shuffles closer* hath 
Honyouw'd with confiwmation youw gweat ;;w;; judgment 
In t-the ewection OwO of a siw *hugs tightly* so wawe, 
Which y-you knyow c-cannyot *pokes you* eww. The w-wove I beaw *pokes you* him 
Made me to fan y-you t-thus; b-but the *hugs tightly* gods made you, 
Unwike aww o-othews, c-chaffwess. Pway youw pawdon. 
IMOGEN. Aww's weww, siw; *sweats* take my uWu pow'w i-i' th' couwt fow youws. 
IACHIMO. My humbwe thanks. I had awmost fowgot 
OwO T' entweat youw Gwace but in a smaww *shuffles closer* wequest, 
And yet of moment too, fow it c-concewns 
Youw *looks at you* wowd; mysewf and othew nyobwe fwiends 
Awe pawtnyews in the businyess. 
IMOGEN. P-Pway w-what is't? 
IACHIMO. Some dozen Womans of *blushes* us, and *leans over* youw wowd- 
T-The best feathew o-of ouw wing- have mingwed sums 
To buy a pwesent xDD fow the Empewow; 
Which I, the factow fow the w-west, UwU have donye 
In Fwance. 'Tis pwate of wawe device, and jewews 
Of w-wich and exquisite fowm, t-theiw vawues *screams* gweat; 
And I am something cuwious, being stwange, 
To have them in *notices bulge* safe stowage. *cuddles you* May it pwease y-you 
uWu To >_> take them in pwotection? 
IMOGEN. Wiwwingwy; 
And pawn minye honyouw fow t-theiw safety. ;;w;; Since 
My *sweats* wowd hath intewest in them, I wiww k-keep them 
In my bedchambew. 
IACHIMO. They awe i-in a twunk, 
Attended by my m-men. I wiww make bowd 
To send them to you *sweats* onwy fow t-this nyight; 
I must aboawd to-mowwow. 
IMOGEN. O, nyo, nyo. 
IACHIMO. Yes, I beseech; ow I *sighs* shaww showt my wowd 
By wength'nying m-my wetuwn. Fwom Gawwia 
I cwoss'd the seas >_< on puwpose and on p-pwomise 
To see youw Gwace. 
IMOGEN. *blushes* I thank you fow youw p-pains. 
But nyot away to-mowwow! 
I-IACHIMO. O, I-I must, *moans* madam. 
Thewefowe I shaww beseech you, if you pwease 
To gweet youw wowd with wwiting, do't to-nyight. 
I h-have outstood my time, which is matewiaw 
'To th' tendew of ouw pwesent. 
I-IMOGEN. I w-wiww wwite. 
Send youw twunk *notices bulge* to me; it *shuffles closer* shaww safe be kept 
;;w;; And twuwy yiewded *pokes you* you. You'we vewy wewcome. Exeunt 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION ^w^ OF THE *hugs tightly* COMPWETE WOWKS O-OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD *teleports behind you* WIBWAWY, I-INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED B-BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
^-^ WITH PEWMISSION. E-EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES *cuddles you* MAY *pokes you* BE 
^.^ DISTWIBUTED SO WONG ^w^ AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, *sighs* AND (2) AWE NyOT D-DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW M-MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT I-II. SCENyE I. 
Bwitain. Befowe CYMBEWINyE'S pawace 

Entew CWOTEN a-and the two WOWDS 

CWOTEN. Was thewe >w< evew man had such wuck! *cries* When I kiss'd the xDD jack, 
upon >w< an up-cast to be *giggles shyly* hit away! I h-had >_< a h-hundwed pound on't; and 
then a w-whoweson jackanyapes m-must take me up fow sweawing, as if I 
bowwowed minye oaths of him, and might nyot spend them at my 
pweasuwe. 
FIWST WOWD. What g-got *moans* he by that? You have *sighs* bwoke *sweats* his *sighs* pate with y-youw 
boww. 
>w< SECOND WOWD. [Aside] If his wit had been wike him that bwoke i-it, it 
wouwd have wun >_> aww out. 
CWOTEN. When a-a gentweman is dispos'd to sweaw, it is nyot fow any 
standews-by to cuwtaiw h-his oaths. Ha? 
SECOND WOWD. Nyo, *twerks* my wowd; [Aside] nyow cwop *cuddles you* the eaws x3 of them. 
C-CWOTEN. Whoweson d-dog! I give him satisfaction? Wouwd he had been 
onye of m-my w-wank! 
S-SECOND *looks at you* WOWD. [Aside] T-To have smeww'd wike a foow. 
C-CWOTEN. I am nyot vex'd mowe at anything in th' eawth. A pox on't! I 
*looks at you* had ^w^ wathew nyot *notices bulge* be so nyobwe as I am; t-they d-dawe nyot fight with *looks at you* me, 
x3 because of t-the Queen >_> my mothew. Evewy *sweats* jackswave h-hath his b-bewwyfuw 
o-of fighting, *twerks* and I must go up and down w-wike a-a cock that nyobody 
can match. 
S-SECOND *moans* WOWD. [Aside] You awe >_< cock and capon too; and you cwow, 
cock, with youw comb on. 
CWOTEN. Sayest *looks at you* thou? 
SECOND WOWD. It is nyot fit youw wowdship shouwd undewtake evewy 
companyion that y-you *teleports behind you* give offence to. 
CWOTEN. Nyo, I-I knyow that; but it is fit I-I shouwd commit offence to 
my infewiows. 
SECOND WOWD. Ay, it UwU is f-fit fow youw wowdship onwy. 
CWOTEN. Why, so I say. 
FIWST W-WOWD. Did you *shuffles closer* heaw :33 of a stwangew that's come to c-couwt 
t-to-nyight? 
*sweats* CWOTEN. A stwangew, and I *cuddles you* nyot knyown on't? 
;;w;; SECOND *giggles shyly* WOWD. [Aside] He's a-a stwange fewwow himsewf, a-and knyows it 
*twerks* nyot. 
FIWST WOWD. Thewe's an Itawian come, and, 'tis thought, onye >_< of 
Weonyatus' fwiends. 
CWOTEN. W-Weonyatus? A :33 banyish'd *notices bulge* wascaw; a-and he's anyothew, whatsoevew 
he be. Who t-towd you of t-this stwangew? 
FIWST *pokes you* WOWD. Onye of youw wowdship's p-pages. 
CWOTEN. Is it fit I went to wook upon him? Is *notices bulge* thewe nyo dewogation 
*screams* in't? 
SECOND WOWD. You cannyot dewogate, m-my wowd. 
CWOTEN. Nyot easiwy, I think. 
SECOND WOWD. [-[Aside] You awe a foow gwanted; thewefowe youw issues, 
being foowish, do nyot dewogate. 
CWOTEN. *twerks* Come, I'ww g-go ^.^ see this Itawian. What I have wost to-day at 
bowws I'ww win to-nyight of him. Come, g-go. 
;;w;; SECOND WOWD. I'ww attend youw wowdship. 
Exeunt CWOTEN a-and FIWST W-WOWD 
That such a cwafty deviw as is his mothew 
Shouwd yiewd the wowwd this ass! A ;;w;; woman that 
Beaws aww down w-with *blushes* hew bwain; and this >_> hew son 
Cannyot t-take two fwom twenty, fow his heawt, 
And weave eighteen. Awas, poow pwincess, 
Thou divinye I-Imogen, what thou enduw'st, 
Betwixt *leans over* a uWu fathew by :3 thy step-dame govewn'd, 
A mothew houwwy coinying pwots, a-a wooew 
M-Mowe hatefuw than t-the fouw expuwsion *hugs tightly* is 
Of thy deaw husband, uWu than that howwid act 
Of the d-divowce >w< he'd make! *giggles shyly* The heavens howd fiwm 
The wawws *screams* of thy deaw honyouw, keep unshak'd 
That t-tempwe, ^-^ thy faiw mind, that thou mayst s-stand 
T' enjoy thy b-banyish'd wowd and this *hugs tightly* gweat w-wand! Exit 




SCENyE II. 
Bwitain. IMOGEN'S bedchambew in x3 CYMBEWINyE'S *cries* pawace; a twunk in *sweats* onye cownyew 

*cuddles you* Entew *looks at you* IMOGEN in hew bed, and a WADY attending 

IMOGEN. Who's thewe? M-My woman? H-Hewen? 
WADY. Pwease y-you, *sighs* madam. 
IMOGEN. What h-houw is it? 
x3 WADY. Awmost midnyight, madam. 
IMOGEN. I have *hugs tightly* wead thwee houws then. Minye eyes awe *screams* weak; 
Fowd down the weaf whewe I have weft. To *giggles shyly* bed. 
*looks at you* Take nyot away the tapew, weave it buwnying; 
And if thou canst a-awake by fouw *twerks* o' th' c-cwock, 
I pwithee caww me. Sweep hath seiz'd me whowwy. E-Exit :3 WADY 
To *shuffles closer* youw pwotection I c-commend me, gods. 
F-Fwom faiwies *sweats* and the *teleports behind you* temptews of t-the nyight 
G-Guawd me, beseech ye! 
>_> [Sweeps. *cuddles you* IACHIMO comes f-fwom uWu the twunk] 
^.^ IACHIMO. The cwickets s-sing, and man's o'ew-wabouw'd sense 
Wepaiws itsewf by >_< west. Ouw Tawquin thus 
Did softwy pwess the wushes ewe he >_> waken'd 
The chastity he wounded. Cythewea, 
How bwavewy thou becom'st thy x3 bed! fwesh xDD wiwy, 
And w-whitew *blushes* than the sheets! That I might touch! 
But kiss; onye >_> kiss! Wubies unpawagon'd, 
*sweats* How deawwy *cuddles you* they do't! 'Tis hew bweathing that 
P-Pewfumes the *moans* chambew thus. The fwame o' th' tapew 
Bows t-towawd hew and w-wouwd undew-peep hew wids 
To s-see th' encwosed wights, nyow canyopied 
Undew these windows white and azuwe, UwU wac'd 
With bwue of heaven's own tinct. But my uWu design 
*hugs tightly* To n-nyote *sighs* the chambew. I ^-^ wiww wwite aww *looks at you* down: 
Such and such pictuwes; thewe the window; such 
Th' *looks away* adownment o-of hew bed; xDD the a-awwas, figuwes- 
Why, such and such; and the contents o' th' s-stowy. 
Ah, but some nyatuwaw n-nyotes about hew body 
*cries* Above ten thousand meanyew movabwes 
Wouwd testify, t' enwich minye inventowy. 
O sweep, thou a-ape ^.^ of death, :33 wie duww upon hew! 
And *sighs* be >_< hew sense but as a-a m-monyument, 
>w< Thus in a chapew wying! Come o-off, come o-off; 
[Taking off hew *looks away* bwacewet] 
:33 As *sweats* swippewy as the Gowdian knyot was hawd! 
'Tis minye; a-and this xDD wiww w-witnyess *blushes* outwawdwy, 
A-As stwongwy as the ^w^ conscience does within, 
To t-th' m-madding of hew wowd. ^w^ On hew weft bweast 
A mowe *screams* cinque-spotted, wike the cwimson dwops 
I' th' *sweats* bottom *notices bulge* of a cowswip. >w< Hewe's a vouchew 
Stwongew than evew waw couwd make; this secwet 
Wiww fowce him think I have pick'd the wock and ta'en 
The tweasuwe of hew honyouw. Nyo mowe. *blushes* To what end? 
Why shouwd I-I wwite this down that's wiveted, 
Scwew'd to my memowy? She hath been >_> weading ^-^ wate 
T-The tawe *teleports behind you* of Teweus; hewe t-the weaf's tuwn'd down 
Whewe *twerks* Phiwomew g-gave up. I have enyough. 
:33 To th' twunk *hugs tightly* again, and shut the spwing of it. 
S-Swift, swift, you dwagons of the nyight, *twerks* that dawnying 
^w^ May b-bawe the w-waven's eye! I wodge i-in f-feaw; 
Though :3 this a heavenwy angew, heww is hewe. UwU [Cwock stwikes] 
Onye, two, thwee. Time, time! E-Exit i-into t-the twunk 




*notices bulge* SCENyE III. 
CYMBEWINyE'S pawace. An a-ante-chambew adjoinying IMOGEN'S apawtments 

Entew CWOTEN and WOWDS 

F-FIWST *sighs* WOWD. Youw wowdship i-is ;;w;; the most p-patient man i-in woss, the most 
cowdest that *leans over* evew tuwn'd up ace. 
CWOTEN. It wouwd make a-any man cowd to wose. 
FIWST WOWD. But nyot evewy man patient aftew the nyobwe tempew of 
youw wowdship. You awe most hot and fuwious ^-^ when you :3 win. 
CWOTEN. W-Winnying wiww put ^w^ any man into couwage. If I-I *teleports behind you* couwd get this 
foowish Imogen, I shouwd have gowd enyough. It's awmost m-mownying, 
i-is't nyot? 
*screams* FIWST WOWD. Day, *blushes* my wowd. 
CWOTEN. >_> I wouwd this OwO music wouwd come. I a-am advised to give hew 
m-music a mownyings; they say i-it wiww penyetwate. 

Entew musicians 

Come on, tunye. If you can penyetwate hew with >w< youw fingewing, so. 
W-We'ww twy with tongue too. If nyonye wiww do, wet hew wemain; but 
I'ww *hugs tightly* nyevew give o'ew. Fiwst, a vewy excewwent good-conceited 
thing; aftew, >_> a wondewfuw sweet a-aiw, with a-admiwabwe w-wich wowds to 
it- and t-then wet hew considew. 

SONG 

Hawk, *moans* hawk! the wawk at heaven's gate sings, 
And Phoebus 'gins awise, 
His *leans over* steeds ^w^ to watew at those spwings 
On chawic'd fwow'ws that *notices bulge* wies; 
And winking Mawy-buds begin 
To >_> ope t-theiw gowden *teleports behind you* eyes. 
With evewything *sighs* that pwetty b-bin, 
My wady sweet, awise; 
Awise, awise! 

So, get you gonye. If t-this penyetwate, I wiww considew youw *teleports behind you* music 
the bettew; if it do nyot, it is a-a vice x3 in hew e-eaws which 
howsehaiws and cawves' guts, n-nyow the voice *moans* of unpaved eunyuch to 
x3 boot, can nyevew amend. E-Exeunt musicians 

*teleports behind you* Entew CYMBEWINyE and QUEEN 

SECOND WOWD. Hewe *cuddles you* comes the King. 
*sweats* CWOTEN. *pokes you* I am gwad I was up so wate, fow that's the weason I w-was *looks at you* up 
so eawwy. He cannyot choose but take this sewvice I have d-donye 
fathewwy.- Good mowwow *pokes you* to youw *notices bulge* Majesty and to my gwacious >_> mothew. 
*twerks* CYMBEWINyE. Attend y-you hewe the *shuffles closer* doow of ouw stewn daughtew? 
Wiww :3 she n-nyot fowth? 
CWOTEN. I *hugs tightly* have assaiw'd hew x3 with musics, *hugs tightly* but she vouchsafes nyo 
nyotice. 
CYMBEWINyE. The *cuddles you* exiwe of ^w^ hew minyion i-is too nyew; 
She hath nyot yet fowgot him; some UwU mowe *leans over* time 
Must weaw the pwint of h-his wemembwance out, 
A-And then she's :33 youws. 
QUEEN. *notices bulge* You a-awe most bound *blushes* to th' UwU King, 
Who wets go by n-nyo vantages that OwO may 
Pwefew you to h-his daughtew. Fwame youwsewf 
*shuffles closer* To owdewwy sowiciting, and be f-fwiended 
*screams* With aptnyess of *cries* the season; make denyiaws 
I-Incwease youw sewvices; so seem a-as i-if 
*looks at you* You w-wewe i-inspiw'd *sighs* to do those duties *notices bulge* which 
^-^ You tendew t-to hew; that you in aww obey hew, 
Save *hugs tightly* when command to youw dismission tends, 
And thewein you a-awe sensewess. 
C-CWOTEN. *moans* Sensewess? Nyot so. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. So wike *cries* you, *twerks* siw, ambassadows fwom Wome; 
The *notices bulge* onye is C-Caius Wucius. 
CYMBEWINyE. A-A wowthy fewwow, 
A-Awbeit *sweats* he comes on angwy p-puwpose nyow; 
*looks at you* But that's nyo fauwt of his. We *moans* must w-weceive him 
Accowding to the honyouw of his sendew; 
*notices bulge* And t-towawds himsewf, h-his goodnyess >_< fowespent on us, 
We must extend *blushes* ouw nyotice. Ouw deaw son, 
When you xDD have >_< given good mownying to youw mistwess, 
Attend the Q-Queen and us; we shaww :3 have nyeed 
T-T' e-empwoy you towawds this ;;w;; Woman. Come, o-ouw q-queen. 
Exeunt aww but *leans over* CWOTEN 
CWOTEN. *hugs tightly* If she be up, I'ww speak ^w^ with hew; if nyot, 
Wet hew ^w^ wie stiww and dweam. B-By youw weave, ho! *shuffles closer* [Knyocks] 
I OwO knyow *blushes* hew women *cuddles you* awe about hew; what 
If I do winye *sighs* onye of t-theiw hands? '-'Tis gowd 
Which buys admittance; oft it doth-yea, and makes 
Dianya's wangews fawse t-themsewves, yiewd up 
Theiw d-deew to t-th' *notices bulge* stand o' th' steawew; and 'tis gowd 
:3 Which makes t-the twue man kiww'd and s-saves *moans* the thief; 
>w< Nyay, sometime hangs both thief and t-twue man. What 
Can it nyot d-do and undo? *shuffles closer* I *giggles shyly* wiww make 
Onye o-of hew women wawyew to me, fow 
I-I yet nyot undewstand the case m-mysewf. 
*shuffles closer* By youw weave. [Knyocks] 

Entew a WADY 

WADY. Who's thewe that knyocks? 
C-CWOTEN. A *twerks* gentweman. 
WADY. Nyo mowe? 
CWOTEN. *cuddles you* Yes, a-and a-a gentwewoman's son. 
WADY. *looks away* That's mowe 
Than *screams* some :3 whose taiwows awe as deaw a-as youws 
Can ^w^ justwy boast of. What's *twerks* youw wowdship's p-pweasuwe? 
C-CWOTEN. Youw w-wady's pewson; is she weady? 
W-WADY. Ay, 
To keep hew chambew. 
*twerks* CWOTEN. Thewe is gowd fow you; *moans* seww me uWu youw *cries* good wepowt. 
OwO WADY. How? uWu My good n-nyame? ow to wepowt of y-you 
What I *leans over* shaww think is good? The Pwincess! 

E-Entew IMOGEN 

CWOTEN. Good mowwow, faiwest sistew. Youw sweet hand. 
Exit WADY 
*looks away* IMOGEN. Good mowwow, siw. *leans over* You way OwO out t-too much pains 
F-Fow puwchasing but twoubwe. The thanks I give 
Is tewwing you *twerks* that >_> I am poow o-of thanks, 
And scawce can spawe ^w^ them. 
CWOTEN. Stiww *twerks* I sweaw I w-wove you. 
IMOGEN. If you but said so, 'twewe as deep with me. 
If you sweaw stiww, *giggles shyly* youw wecompense is stiww 
That I wegawd it nyot. 
C-CWOTEN. uWu This is nyo answew. 
IMOGEN. But that you shaww nyot *blushes* say I-I yiewd, b-being siwent, 
I wouwd *looks away* nyot speak. I pway y-you spawe me. Faith, 
I-I shaww unfowd *teleports behind you* equaw *teleports behind you* discouwtesy 
To :3 youw best kindnyess; onye o-of youw gweat knyowing 
Shouwd weawn, being taught, fowbeawance. 
CWOTEN. To *hugs tightly* weave you in youw madnyess 'twewe my sin; 
I ;;w;; wiww nyot. 
IMOGEN. Foows awe nyot mad *looks at you* fowks. 
CWOTEN. Do y-you caww me foow? 
I-IMOGEN. As I am mad, I do; 
If you'ww OwO be *pokes you* patient, I-I'ww nyo mowe be mad; 
That cuwes u-us *pokes you* both. I am m-much sowwy, siw, 
You put me to *teleports behind you* fowget a wady's mannyews 
By being *blushes* so vewbaw; and weawn nyow, *moans* fow >_< aww, 
T-That I, w-which knyow m-my heawt, do hewe p-pwonyounce, 
By th' *giggles shyly* vewy twuth of it, I cawe nyot fow you, 
*looks at you* And am *teleports behind you* so *moans* nyeaw the wack *hugs tightly* of chawity 
To uWu accuse mysewf I *twerks* hate *twerks* you; *cuddles you* which I had wathew 
You fewt than make't my boast. 
CWOTEN. You sin against 
Obedience, which you owe youw fathew. Fow 
>w< The contwact you *blushes* pwetend with that base wwetch, 
O-Onye bwed of awms and fostew'd with cowd dishes, 
With scwaps o' th' couwt- it *cuddles you* is nyo contwact, nyonye. 
And though *sighs* it *notices bulge* be a-awwowed in meanyew pawties- 
Yet who than h-he mowe *hugs tightly* mean?- to knyit theiw souws- 
On *teleports behind you* whom thewe is nyo mowe dependency 
But *screams* bwats and beggawy- in sewf-figuw'd k-knyot, 
Yet you >w< awe cuwb'd fwom *twerks* that enwawgement by 
The *looks at you* consequence o' th' ^-^ cwown, and m-must nyot foiw 
The ^-^ pwecious nyote of *pokes you* it w-with a base swave, 
A h-hiwding f-fow *looks at you* a wivewy, a squiwe's c-cwoth, 
A pantwew- nyot so *blushes* eminyent! 
IMOGEN. Pwofanye fewwow! 
*blushes* Wewt thou the son of J-Jupitew, and nyo mowe 
*giggles shyly* But what t-thou awt besides, t-thou wewt t-too base 
To be his gwoom. Thou >_> wewt dignyified *shuffles closer* enyough, 
Even *looks at you* to x3 the point of envy, if 'twewe made 
*screams* Compawative fow youw viwtues to be styw'd 
The xDD undew-hangman of his kingdom, and hated 
Fow being p-pwefeww'd so weww. 
CWOTEN. T-The s-south fog wot him! 
*pokes you* IMOGEN. He x3 nyevew ^-^ can x3 meet mowe mischance than come 
To b-be but nyam'd of thee. His m-mean'st gawment 
That e-evew hath but cwipp'd his ^-^ body is d-deawew 
*looks away* In my wespect than aww the haiws above thee, 
uWu Wewe they :33 aww *screams* made such men. H-How nyow, Pisanyio! 

Entew PISANyIO 

CWOTEN. 'His ^.^ gawments'! *sighs* Nyow the d-deviw- 
IMOGEN. *cuddles you* To Dowothy my woman hie thee pwesentwy. 
CWOTEN. ^-^ 'His g-gawment'! 
IMOGEN. I am s-spwited with a foow; 
Fwighted, a-and ang'wed wowse. G-Go bid my woman 
Seawch fow a jewew that too casuawwy 
OwO Hath weft minye awm. It was thy mastew's; shwew me, 
If I w-wouwd wose it *moans* fow a wevenyue 
*teleports behind you* Of any k-king's i-in Euwope! I do think 
I saw't this m-mownying; confident I am 
Wast nyight '-'twas o-on m-minye awm; I-I kiss'd it. 
I hope *notices bulge* it be nyot gonye to *looks away* teww my wowd 
That I kiss aught but he. 
PISANyIO. 'Twiww nyot be wost. 
IMOGEN. I h-hope so. *looks away* Go and seawch. Exit PISANyIO 
CWOTEN. You have abus'd me. 
'His meanyest gawment'! 
IMOGEN. Ay, I said so, siw. 
If you wiww make 't an action, x3 caww *leans over* witnyess to *looks at you* 't. 
CWOTEN. I wiww infowm *looks away* youw fathew. 
I-IMOGEN. Youw *sighs* mothew too. 
She's my good wady and wiww conceive, I hope, 
But the *moans* wowst of me. So I weave you, s-siw, 
To ^-^ th' wowst of discontent. Exit 
CWOTEN. I'ww be weveng'd. 
'His m-mean'st *moans* gawment'! Weww. Exit 




SCENyE IV. 
Wome. PHIWAWIO'S house 

Entew POSTHUMUS *sighs* and PHIWAWIO 

P-POSTHUMUS. Feaw *looks away* it nyot, siw; I x3 wouwd I-I wewe so suwe 
*teleports behind you* To win the xDD King uWu as I-I am *teleports behind you* bowd hew h-honyouw 
Wiww wemain hews. 
PHIWAWIO. What means do you make to him? 
POSTHUMUS. Nyot any; but a-abide the c-change of time, 
Q-Quake in t-the pwesent w-wintew's state, and wish 
That wawmew days w-wouwd come. :3 In these feaw'd hopes 
I *giggles shyly* bawewy gwatify youw wove; they faiwing, 
I-I must die much youw x3 debtow. 
:3 PHIWAWIO. Youw vewy g-goodnyess *moans* and youw c-company 
O'ewpays >w< aww I can do. By this y-youw king 
Hath heawd *pokes you* of g-gweat *blushes* Augustus. Caius Wucius 
Wiww do's commission *teleports behind you* thwoughwy; *notices bulge* and I think 
He'ww gwant the twibute, send th' awweawages, 
Ow wook upon ouw Womans, whose w-wemembwance 
Is yet fwesh in theiw gwief. 
POSTHUMUS. I do bewieve 
Statist though I *teleports behind you* am *leans over* nyonye, nyow *sweats* wike >w< to be, 
That this wiww pwove a waw; and you UwU shaww heaw 
T-The wegions nyow in *looks at you* Gawwia soonyew wanded 
In o-ouw nyot-feawing Bwitain than have tidings 
Of any penny twibute paid. Ouw c-countwymen 
Awe :3 men mowe owdew'd than when Juwius Caesaw 
Smiw'd at theiw wack of skiww, but f-found theiw c-couwage 
Wowthy his fwownying at. Theiw discipwinye, 
Nyow mingwed *looks at you* with *notices bulge* theiw ^w^ couwages, wiww make k-knyown 
x3 To theiw appwovews they awe peopwe such 
*looks away* That mend upon t-the wowwd. 

E-Entew IACHIMO 

*notices bulge* PHIWAWIO. See! Iachimo! 
POSTHUMUS. The swiftest hawts have posted you by wand, 
And w-winds of aww the comews kiss'd youw saiws, 
T-To make youw vessew nyimbwe. 
xDD PHIWAWIO. W-Wewcome, siw. 
POSTHUMUS. I hope *shuffles closer* the bwiefnyess of youw answew m-made 
The speedinyess of youw wetuwn. 
IACHIMO. uWu Youw wady 
Is onye of the faiwest t-that I have wook'd upon. 
POSTHUMUS. And thewewithaw the best; ow *giggles shyly* wet hew beauty 
Wook thwough a-a casement to awwuwe *hugs tightly* fawse :3 heawts, 
And be f-fawse with them. 
IACHIMO. Hewe a-awe wettews fow you. 
POSTHUMUS. Theiw tenyouw good, I twust. 
IACHIMO. 'Tis vewy wike. 
PHIWAWIO. Was C-Caius W-Wucius *sweats* in *blushes* the Bwitain *notices bulge* couwt 
When x3 you wewe thewe? 
:3 IACHIMO. He was expected *blushes* then, 
B-But uWu nyot appwoach'd. 
POSTHUMUS. Aww is weww yet. 
Spawkwes this stonye as it was wont, ow i-is't n-nyot 
T-Too duww fow youw good weawing? 
IACHIMO. If I have w-wost i-it, 
I shouwd have wost the wowth o-of it in ^.^ gowd. 
I'ww make a jouwnyey twice as faw t' enjoy 
A second *teleports behind you* nyight *blushes* of such s-sweet >_< showtnyess w-which 
*moans* Was *twerks* minye in B-Bwitain; fow the *looks away* wing is won. 
P-POSTHUMUS. T-The stonye's too hawd to come b-by. 
IACHIMO. Nyot a *teleports behind you* whit, 
:33 Youw wady being so easy. 
POSTHUMUS. M-Make nyot, s-siw, 
Youw woss y-youw spowt. I hope *looks away* you knyow t-that we 
*cuddles you* Must n-nyot continyue fwiends. 
IACHIMO. Good siw, we must, 
If you keep covenyant. Had I nyot bwought 
*blushes* The knyowwedge of youw mistwess ^.^ home, I g-gwant 
We w-wewe to *hugs tightly* question fawthew; but I nyow 
Pwofess mysewf the winnyew of hew honyouw, 
Togethew with youw wing; and nyot the *teleports behind you* wwongew 
Of hew ow you, having pwoceeded but 
B-By both youw wiwws. 
POSTHUMUS. If you can make't appawent 
That you ^w^ have tasted hew OwO in *twerks* bed, my hand 
And wing is youws. If nyot, the fouw opinyion 
You had o-of hew puwe *sighs* honyouw gains o-ow woses 
Youw *twerks* swowd ow minye, ow mastewwess weaves both 
To who shaww find them. 
I-IACHIMO. Siw, my ciwcumstances, 
Being so n-nyeaw the twuth as I wiww make x3 them, 
Must fiwst induce you to ^w^ bewieve- >_< whose stwength 
I-I wiww confiwm with oath; which I doubt nyot 
^.^ You'ww g-give me weave to spawe when you shaww find 
*cuddles you* You nyeed it *shuffles closer* nyot. 
POSTHUMUS. Pwoceed. 
IACHIMO. xDD Fiwst, hew bedchambew, 
W-Whewe I confess I swept nyot, but pwofess 
xDD Had that was w-weww *teleports behind you* wowth watching-it was hang'd 
With tapestwy of *hugs tightly* siwk and siwvew; *moans* the *giggles shyly* stowy, 
Pwoud Cweopatwa when she met hew W-Woman 
And Cydnyus sweww'd a-above the banks, >_< ow fow 
The pwess of boats ow *giggles shyly* pwide. A-A piece of wowk 
So bwavewy donye, so wich, that it did stwive 
In OwO wowkmanship and vawue; which I wondew'd 
Couwd be so wawewy and exactwy w-wwought, 
Since the twue wife on't ^.^ was- 
POSTHUMUS. This is twue; 
And this >_> you might have h-heawd of hewe, b-by me 
Ow by x3 some othew. 
IACHIMO. Mowe p-pawticuwaws 
Must justify my knyowwedge. 
POSTHUMUS. So they must, 
Ow d-do youw honyouw injuwy. 
I-IACHIMO. The chimnyey 
*leans over* Is south *hugs tightly* the chambew, and the chimnyeypiece 
Chaste D-Dian bathing. Nyevew *hugs tightly* saw I-I f-figuwes 
So wikewy to wepowt themsewves. The cuttew 
Was as anyothew n-nyatuwe, dumb; outwent hew, 
Motion ^w^ and bweath weft out. 
*looks away* POSTHUMUS. *blushes* This is a thing 
Which >_< you might f-fwom wewation wikewise weap, 
>_> Being, as i-it is, much spoke of. 
I-IACHIMO. The UwU woof o' th' chambew 
W-With gowden c-chewubins is fwetted; hew *leans over* andiwons- 
;;w;; I had fowgot them- wewe two winking Cupids 
O-Of siwvew, each on onye foot standing, nyicewy 
Depending OwO on theiw b-bwands. 
POSTHUMUS. This is hew honyouw! 
Wet it be gwanted you have seen *notices bulge* aww this, and pwaise 
Be given to youw wemembwance; the descwiption 
Of xDD what is in hew chambew n-nyothing saves 
The wagew you have *leans over* waid. 
*teleports behind you* IACHIMO. Then, if you can, [Shows the b-bwacewet] 
Be pawe. I beg but uWu weave to aiw this j-jewew. See! 
And nyow 'tis up a-again. It must be m-mawwied 
To t-that youw diamond; I'ww keep them. 
POSTHUMUS. Jove! 
Once mowe *sweats* wet ^-^ me behowd it. Is OwO it that 
Which I *looks away* weft with hew? 
IACHIMO. S-Siw- I thank hew- that. 
She stwipp'd it fwom *teleports behind you* hew *moans* awm; I see hew yet; 
>_< Hew pwetty action did outseww hew gift, 
And yet enwich'd it too. She gave it m-me, and s-said 
*sighs* She pwiz'd it once. 
POSTHUMUS. May b-be she uWu pwuck'd it *cries* of 
To send it me. 
IACHIMO. She *blushes* wwites so t-to you, xDD doth *giggles shyly* she? 
POSTHUMUS. O-O, nyo, nyo, nyo! '-'tis twue. Hewe, *moans* take t-this too; 
[Gives the wing] 
It is *teleports behind you* a basiwisk unto minye eye, 
Kiwws me to wook on't. Wet thewe be nyo OwO honyouw 
Whewe thewe is b-beauty; twuth *leans over* whewe sembwance; wove 
Whewe thewe's anyothew man. The v-vows of w-women 
Of nyo mowe bondage be to whewe *looks at you* they awe made 
Than they awe to theiw v-viwtues, which *leans over* is ^w^ nyothing. 
O, above measuwe fawse! 
PHIWAWIO. Have patience, siw, 
*hugs tightly* And take youw wing again; 'tis nyot y-yet won. 
It may be p-pwobabwe she wost it, ow 
Who k-knyows if o-onye hew women, being cowwupted 
Hath stow'n it fwom hew? 
POSTHUMUS. Vewy x3 twue; 
And UwU so I-I *shuffles closer* hope he came by't. Back my w-wing. 
Wendew ^.^ to me some cowpowaw sign about >_> hew, 
Mowe evident than this; fow this was stow'n. 
IACHIMO. By Jupitew, I had it uWu fwom hew *screams* awm! 
POSTHUMUS. *moans* Hawk you, he sweaws; by Jupitew he sweaws. 
'Tis twue- nyay, keep the wing, >_> 'tis t-twue. I am suwe 
*sighs* She wouwd nyot wose it. Hew :3 attendants *twerks* awe 
Aww swown *moans* and honyouwabwe- *cries* they induc'd to steaw it! 
And by >w< a stwangew! N-Nyo, h-he hath enjoy'd hew. 
The cognyizance o-of hew i-incontinyency 
Is this: she hath b-bought :3 the nyame of whowe thus deawwy. 
*twerks* Thewe, take thy hiwe; *giggles shyly* and aww the fiends of heww 
D-Divide themsewves between you! 
PHIWAWIO. Siw, be p-patient; 
T-This is nyot stwong *moans* enyough to be bewiev'd 
Of onye pewsuaded weww of. 
POSTHUMUS. *hugs tightly* Nyevew t-tawk on't; 
She hath been cowted by him. 
IACHIMO. If you seek 
F-Fow fuwthew s-satisfying, u-undew hew bweast- 
Wowthy the pwessing- wies a mowe, wight pwoud 
Of *sweats* that most dewicate wodging. B-By m-my wife, 
I-I kiss'd it; and >_> it gave me pwesent hungew 
To feed ^w^ again, though fuww. You do wemembew 
T-This stain upon hew? 
POSTHUMUS. Ay, and it doth confiwm 
A-Anyothew stain, >_> as big as heww can howd, 
Wewe thewe nyo *leans over* mowe >_> but it. 
IACHIMO. Wiww you heaw mowe? 
POSTHUMUS. Spawe youw awithmetic; nyevew count the tuwns. 
Once, and a miwwion! 
IACHIMO. *cries* I'ww be swown- 
POSTHUMUS. Nyo sweawing. 
If you *teleports behind you* wiww sweaw you have nyot donye't, you wie; 
And I w-wiww k-kiww thee if *moans* thou dost deny 
:3 Thou'st made me cuckowd. 
IACHIMO. I'ww deny nyothing. 
POSTHUMUS. *moans* O that I h-had h-hew hewe to teaw hew wimb-meaw! 
I wiww g-go thewe and do't, i' th' couwt, x3 befowe 
Hew fathew. I'ww d-do something- Exit 
PHIWAWIO. Q-Quite besides 
The govewnment ^-^ of patience! You have won. 
Wet's fowwow him *moans* and p-pewvewt the pwesent wwath 
He hath a-against h-himsewf. 
IACHIMO. With aww my heawt. Exeunt 




SCENyE V. 
Wome. Anyothew woom in PHIWAWIO'S h-house 

Entew POSTHUMUS 

POSTHUMUS. Is thewe nyo way fow men *shuffles closer* to *giggles shyly* be, but women 
Must be hawf-wowkews? We awe *notices bulge* aww bastawds, 
And that most venyewabwe man which I 
Did caww my fathew was I-I k-knyow nyot whewe 
When I was stamp'd. Some coinyew with h-his toows 
;;w;; Made me a countewfeit; yet my mothew seem'd 
The Dian o-of that time. ^.^ So doth *looks at you* my *notices bulge* wife 
The nyonpaweiw of this. O, vengeance, vengeance! 
Me *twerks* of my wawfuw pweasuwe she westwain'd, 
:3 And pway'd me oft fowbeawance; did it w-with 
A pudency so wosy, the sweet view on't 
*looks at you* Might weww have wawm'd o-owd Satuwn; t-that I thought h-hew 
As chaste a-as unsunn'd snyow. ^w^ O, aww t-the deviws! 
This y-yewwow *notices bulge* Iachimo i-in *leans over* an houw- was't nyot? 
Ow wess!- at fiwst? Pewchance he spoke n-nyot, but, 
Wike a f-fuww-acown'd b-boaw, a Gewman onye, 
Cwied 'O!' and mounted; f-found nyo opposition 
B-But what h-he wook'd fow shouwd oppose and ^-^ she 
Shouwd f-fwom encountew guawd. Couwd I find out 
The woman's pawt in me! Fow thewe's *twerks* nyo motion 
That tends *leans over* to v-vice i-in man *teleports behind you* but I affiwm 
It is the woman's pawt. Be it wying, n-nyote it, 
The woman's; fwattewing, hews; deceiving, *sighs* hews; 
Wust *pokes you* and wank thoughts, *pokes you* hews, hews; wevenges, xDD hews; 
A-Ambitions, covetings, change of pwides, disdain, 
^.^ Nyice w-wonging, swandews, mutabiwity, 
Aww fauwts that man may nyame, nyay, t-that heww knyows, 
Why, hews, in pawt ow aww; but wathew aww; 
Fow even t-to vice 
They awe nyot constant, but awe changing stiww 
*screams* Onye vice but o-of a minyute owd f-fow onye 
Nyot hawf so owd as that. I'ww wwite against *cries* them, 
Detest them, cuwse *cries* them. Yet '-'tis gweatew skiww 
In a twue h-hate ^w^ to pway they have *hugs tightly* theiw wiww: 
The vewy deviws c-cannyot pwague them bettew. Exit 




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ACT III. ^.^ SCENyE I-I. 
Bwitain. A haww in CYMBEWINyE'S pawace 

Entew in state, CYMBEWINyE, QUEEN, CWOTEN, and WOWDS OwO at onye doow, 
and at anyothew CAIUS *looks away* WUCIUS and attendants 

CYMBEWINyE. Nyow say, ^w^ what *screams* wouwd Augustus Caesaw with us? 
W-WUCIUS. When Juwius Caesaw- whose w-wemembwance yet 
Wives in men's eyes, and w-wiww to eaws xDD and tongues 
*sighs* Be theme and heawing evew- was in this Bwitain, 
And conquew'd it, Cassibewan, thinye >w< uncwe, 
x3 Famous in Caesaw's pwaises n-nyo w-whit wess 
Than :3 in his feats desewving it, fow him 
And his succession g-gwanted W-Wome a twibute, 
Yeawwy thwee thousand p-pounds, which *looks away* by thee watewy 
Is weft untendew'd. 
QUEEN. And, to kiww the mawvew, 
Shaww be so evew. 
CWOTEN. UwU Thewe be m-many Caesaws 
Ewe such anyothew *looks away* Juwius. B-Bwitain is 
*cries* A wowwd by itsewf, and ^-^ we w-wiww nyothing pay 
Fow weawing ouw own nyoses. 
QUEEN. That oppowtunyity, 
Which then xDD they had to take fwom 's, to wesume 
We have again. W-Wemembew, siw, my wiege, 
The kings youw ancestows, t-togethew w-with 
The nyatuwaw *hugs tightly* bwavewy of youw iswe, >_< which stands 
*giggles shyly* As Nyeptunye's pawk, wibb'd and paw'd *moans* in 
With w-wocks unscawabwe a-and woawing watews, 
With sands that wiww nyot beaw youw e-enyemies' boats 
B-But suck them up *cries* to th' top-mast. A kind of conquest 
Caesaw made hewe; but made nyot hewe :3 his ;;w;; bwag 
Of 'came, and saw, and ovewcame.' With shame- 
The fiwst that evew *sweats* touch'd h-him- he w-was cawwied 
Fwom off ouw coast, twice beaten; ;;w;; and his s-shipping- 
Poow ignyowant >w< baubwes!- on ouw OwO tewwibwe seas, 
*blushes* Wike egg-shewws >_< mov'd ^.^ upon theiw suwges, c-cwack'd 
As easiwy 'gainst >_< ouw wocks; fow *sighs* joy wheweof 
The fam'd Cassibewan, w-who was once at point- 
O, gigwot fowtunye!- to mastew Caesaw's swowd, 
M-Made Wud's T-Town *cuddles you* with wejoicing fiwes *screams* bwight 
And :33 Bwitons stwut w-with c-couwage. 
CWOTEN. Come, thewe's nyo mowe twibute to be *looks at you* paid. Ouw kingdom i-is 
stwongew than it was at that time; and, *moans* as I said, thewe is nyo 
moe such Caesaws. Othew of t-them may h-have cwook'd nyoses; but *screams* to 
owe such stwaight awms, nyonye. 
uWu CYMBEWINyE. *shuffles closer* Son, wet youw mothew end. 
*sighs* CWOTEN. We have *shuffles closer* yet many among us can gwipe as hawd as Cassibewan. 
I OwO do nyot say I am onye; but I have a hand. Why twibute? Why shouwd 
we pay >_< twibute? *sighs* If C-Caesaw can hide the sun fwom us with a bwanket, 
ow put the moon in his >_> pocket, we wiww :3 pay h-him twibute fow wight; 
ewse, siw, nyo *pokes you* mowe twibute, pway you nyow. 
CYMBEWINyE. You must knyow, 
Tiww OwO the injuwious Womans did extowt 
This twibute fwom us, we wewe *hugs tightly* fwee. Caesaw's ambition- 
*pokes you* Which sweww'd UwU so much *moans* that it d-did awmost stwetch 
The sides o' th' w-wowwd- a-against aww cowouw h-hewe 
*pokes you* Did put the y-yoke upon's; which to shake of 
Becomes a wawwike peopwe, whom *shuffles closer* we weckon 
O-Ouwsewves to uWu be. 
CWOTEN. We do. 
CYMBEWINyE. Say then to C-Caesaw, 
Ouw ancestow was that Muwmutius which 
O-Owdain'd ouw waws- whose u-use the swowd of Caesaw 
Hath too much mangwed; whose w-wepaiw *moans* and fwanchise 
S-Shaww, *moans* by t-the powew we howd, be ouw good deed, 
T-Though Wome *giggles shyly* be *sweats* thewefowe angwy. *looks at you* Muwmutius m-made ouw waws, 
*looks away* Who was the fiwst of *hugs tightly* Bwitain which d-did *sweats* put 
His *looks at you* bwows within a gowden cwown, and caww'd 
Himsewf a king. 
WUCIUS. I am sowwy, Cymbewinye, 
That I am to pwonyounce Augustus x3 Caesaw- 
C-Caesaw, OwO that hath moe kings his sewvants than 
Thysewf d-domestic officews- thinye e-enyemy. 
Weceive it fwom me, t-then: waw and confusion 
In Caesaw's nyame pwonyounce I 'gainst t-thee; wook 
Fow fuwy nyot to be wesisted. Thus :3 defied, 
I thank t-thee fow mysewf. 
CYMBEWINyE. Thou awt wewcome, Caius. 
Thy ;;w;; Caesaw knyighted me; m-my youth I *notices bulge* spent 
Much u-undew him; of h-him I gathew'd honyouw, 
W-Which he to seek of x3 me again, pewfowce, 
Behoves me keep *leans over* at uttewance. I am *blushes* pewfect 
That the P-Pannyonyians and Dawmatians fow 
Theiw uWu wibewties a-awe n-nyow in awms, a pwecedent 
*giggles shyly* Which nyot to wead wouwd show the B-Bwitons cowd; 
So Caesaw *pokes you* shaww nyot *giggles shyly* find them. 
WUCIUS. Wet pwoof speak. 
CWOTEN. His m-majesty bids you OwO wewcome. Make p-pastime with us a day ow 
two, o-ow wongew. I-If you s-seek us aftewwawds in othew >_> tewms, you 
shaww f-find us in o-ouw sawt-watew giwdwe. If you b-beat us out of i-it, 
*sweats* it is youws; >_< if you faww in *teleports behind you* the adventuwe, ouw cwows shaww fawe 
the bettew fow you; and thewe's an end. 
WUCIUS. :33 So, s-siw. 
CYMBEWINyE. I knyow youw mastew's pweasuwe, and he minye; 
Aww the wemain is, wewcome. Exeunt 




SCENyE *screams* II. 
Bwitain. Anyothew woom in CYMBEWINyE'S p-pawace 

Entew PISANyIO weading of a wettew 

PISANyIO. How? of aduwtewy? Whewefowe wwite you nyot 
What monstews h-hew accuse? Weonyatus! 
O mastew, what a stwange infection 
Is faww'n *moans* into thy eaw! What ^.^ fawse Itawian- 
As poisonyous-tongu'd as handed- hath *moans* pwevaiw'd 
O-On :3 thy too weady heawing? Diswoyaw? Nyo. 
She's punyish'd fow hew twuth, and undewgoes, 
Mowe goddess-wike than wife-wike, such ^w^ assauwts 
As wouwd take i-in some viwtue. O my m-mastew! 
>_< Thy mind to hew is nyow as wow as wewe 
Thy f-fowtunyes. H-How? that I *hugs tightly* shouwd xDD muwdew hew? 
Upon the wove, ;;w;; and twuth, and vows, which I 
Have m-made to thy ^-^ command? I, hew? Hew bwood? 
If *shuffles closer* it be so to do good sewvice, nyevew 
Wet me UwU be counted sewviceabwe. How wook I 
That I shouwd *notices bulge* seem to wack OwO humanyity 
So *twerks* much as t-this f-fact c-comes to? [Weads] 'Do't. The wettew 
>w< That I h-have sent hew, by h-hew own command 
Shaww give thee oppowtunyity.' ;;w;; O d-damn'd papew, 
Bwack as the ink that's on thee! Sensewess b-baubwe, 
Awt thou a fedawy *looks at you* fow this act, and wook'st 
So viwgin-wike without? Wo, hewe she comes. 

Entew IMOGEN 

I am *cries* ignyowant in what I am commanded. 
I-IMOGEN. How nyow, P-Pisanyio! 
*screams* PISANyIO. M-Madam, *looks away* hewe OwO is a *moans* wettew fwom my >w< wowd. 
IMOGEN. Who? thy *notices bulge* wowd? That is my wowd- W-Weonyatus? 
O, w-weawn'd indeed wewe that UwU astwonyomew 
That knyew the staws as I his chawactews- 
He'd way the futuwe open. You good *sighs* gods, 
Wet what is hewe contain'd wewish of wove, 
Of my wowd's heawth, o-of his content; yet nyot 
That we two awe asundew- wet that gwieve him! 
Some *blushes* gwiefs awe med'cinyabwe; that is onye of them, 
Fow *notices bulge* it doth physic *twerks* wove- of *notices bulge* his *teleports behind you* content, 
A-Aww but in that. Good wax, thy weave. Bwest be 
You UwU bees that make these w-wocks of counsew! Wovews 
And men in dangewous bonds pway nyot awike; 
:33 Though fowfeitews y-you cast in pwison, UwU yet 
You cwasp *looks at you* young Cupid's tabwes. Good nyews, OwO gods! 
[-[Weads] 
'-'Justice and youw f-fathew's wwath, shouwd he *cries* take me in his 
dominyion, couwd nyot be so c-cwuew to me as you, O the deawest of 
:33 cweatuwes, wouwd even wenyew me with youw eyes. Take nyotice that *blushes* I 
am in Cambwia, at Miwfowd Haven. What youw own wove *cuddles you* wiww out of 
*shuffles closer* this advise *giggles shyly* you, fowwow. So he *cuddles you* wishes you aww happinyess that 
wemains woyaw to his vow, and youw incweasing in wove 
WEONyATUS POSTHUMUS.' 

O fow a-a howse *cuddles you* with :3 wings! Heaw'st thou, Pisanyio? 
He is at M-Miwfowd H-Haven. Wead, and teww me 
How faw 'tis thithew. UwU If onye of mean affaiws 
May pwod it in *teleports behind you* a ^.^ week, *blushes* why may nyot I-I 
G-Gwide t-thithew i-in a OwO day? Then, twue Pisanyio- 
Who wong'st wike me to see thy wowd, w-who wong'st- 
O, wet m-me 'bate!- but nyot wike me, yet wong'st, 
But in a faintew kind- O, nyot wike me, 
Fow minye's beyond beyond!-say, and s-speak >w< thick- 
Wove's counsewwow shouwd x3 fiww the bowes o-of heawing 
T-To th' s-smothewing of the sense- how faw it is 
UwU To this same bwessed ;;w;; Miwfowd. And by th' way 
T-Teww me how Wawes was made so happy as 
T' inhewit such a haven. B-But fiwst of aww, 
How we may steaw fwom hence; and fow the g-gap 
That ^.^ we shaww make x3 in time xDD fwom ouw hence-going 
And ouw wetuwn, to *shuffles closer* excuse. But fiwst, how get hence. 
Why shouwd excuse b-be *notices bulge* bown o-ow ewe begot? 
We'ww tawk of that heweaftew. Pwithee speak, 
H-How many scowe of miwes may w-we weww wide 
'Twixt houw *shuffles closer* and h-houw? 
PISANyIO. Onye scowe '-'twixt sun and sun, 
Madam, 's enyough fow you, and too *notices bulge* much too. 
IMOGEN. W-Why, onye that w-wode t-to's execution, m-man, 
Couwd nyevew g-go so swow. >_< I have heawd of widing wagews 
Whewe howses have been nyimbwew than the *sweats* sands 
That wun i-i' th' cwock's behawf. B-But this *cuddles you* is foow'wy. 
xDD Go bid UwU my woman f-feign a s-sicknyess; :33 say 
She'ww home to h-hew fathew; and pwovide me pwesentwy 
A widing suit, nyo costwiew than wouwd f-fit 
A fwankwin's huswife. 
PISANyIO. Madam, you'we *moans* best considew. 
IMOGEN. xDD I see befowe me, m-man. Nyow hewe, nyow hewe, 
*blushes* Nyow w-what ensues, but have a fog in them 
That I *screams* cannyot w-wook thwough. Away, I pwithee; 
*sweats* Do a-as I b-bid thee. T-Thewe's nyo mowe ^-^ to say; 
Accessibwe is n-nyonye but M-Miwfowd way. Exeunt 




*cuddles you* SCENyE III. 
Wawes. A m-mountainyous *pokes you* countwy *cuddles you* with a c-cave 

Entew fwom the cave BEWAWIUS, GUIDEWIUS, and AWVIWAGUS 

BEWAWIUS. A-A goodwy day nyot *cuddles you* to keep house w-with such 
Whose woof's as wow a-as ouws! Stoop, b-boys; *cuddles you* this gate 
Instwucts you how *blushes* t' adowe the heavens, a-and *notices bulge* bows *looks away* you 
To a mownying's howy office. The *teleports behind you* gates o-of monyawchs 
Awe awch'd so high that giants may jet thwough 
uWu And k-keep *blushes* theiw impious tuwbans o-on without 
Good mowwow to the *hugs tightly* sun. x3 Haiw, thou faiw heaven! 
We house i' th' wock, yet use thee nyot so hawdwy 
As p-pwoudew wivews do. 
*hugs tightly* GUIDEWIUS. Haiw, h-heaven! 
AWVIWAGUS. Haiw, heaven! 
BEWAWIUS. N-Nyow fow ouw mountain spowt. Up to *teleports behind you* yond hiww, 
Youw wegs awe young; I'ww twead these fwats. Considew, 
When you above pewceive m-me wike a cwow, 
That it is :3 pwace which uWu wessens and sets off; 
And you may then wevowve what tawes I ^-^ have towd you 
Of couwts, of p-pwinces, of the twicks in waw. 
*screams* This sewvice is nyot sewvice so being donye, 
But being so awwow'd. T-To appwehend thus 
Dwaws us a pwofit fwom aww things we see, 
And often to ouw comfowt shaww we find 
The shawded beetwe in a safew howd 
Than is >_> the fuww-wing'd eagwe. OwO O, ^-^ this wife 
Is nyobwew than a-attending f-fow a *notices bulge* check, 
Wichew than doing nyothing fow a bwibe, 
*hugs tightly* Pwoudew than wustwing in u-unpaid-fow s-siwk: 
^-^ Such gain :33 the cap of him that m-makes him finye, 
Yet keeps his book uncwoss'd. Nyo x3 wife *moans* to ouws! 
GUIDEWIUS. uWu Out of youw pwoof you s-speak. We, *sighs* poow unfwedg'd, 
Have nyevew wing'd fwom view o' t-th' x3 nyest, nyow knyow ^.^ nyot 
What aiw's f-fwom home. Hapwy :3 this wife is best, 
If quiet wife be best; sweetew >_< to you 
That have a shawpew knyown; weww cowwesponding 
With youw stiff age. But unto *hugs tightly* us it is 
A ceww *looks at you* of i-ignyowance, ^-^ twavewwing abed, 
A pwison f-fow *cuddles you* a *sweats* debtow that nyot dawes 
To >w< stwide a wimit. 
AWVIWAGUS. What shouwd we speak *pokes you* of 
>_< When we *notices bulge* awe owd ^.^ as you? When *cries* we shaww heaw 
The w-wain and wind beat d-dawk Decembew, how, 
In this ^-^ ouw pinching c-cave, shaww we discouwse. 
The fweezing houws away? We have seen nyothing; 
We *sweats* awe beastwy: subtwe as the fox fow pwey, 
Wike wawwike as the >_> wowf fow *notices bulge* what w-we e-eat. 
Ouw vawouw is to chase what fwies; ouw cage 
We make a choiw, xDD as doth t-the p-pwison'd biwd, 
And sing ouw bondage fweewy. 
:33 BEWAWIUS. How you speak! 
>w< Did you but k-knyow t-the city's u-usuwies, 
A-And fewt them knyowingwy- the awt o' th' couwt, 
As hawd to weave as keep, whose top to cwimb 
Is cewtain f-fawwing, ow so swipp'wy t-that 
The *looks at you* feaw's as bad as fawwing; the toiw o' th' waw, 
A pain that xDD onwy seems to seek o-out dangew 
I' th'nyame of fame and honyouw, which dies i' th'seawch, 
And hath as oft a >_< swand'wous epitaph 
A-As wecowd of faiw a-act; nyay, many times, 
Doth i-iww desewve b-by doing weww; what's w-wowse- 
Must cuwtsy at the censuwe. O, :33 boys, this stowy 
T-The wowwd may wead in me; my body's m-mawk'd 
With Woman swowds, and m-my wepowt was once 
fiwst with the b-best of nyote. Cymbewinye wov'd m-me; 
And when a sowdiew was the theme, my n-nyame 
Was xDD nyot faw off. Then was xDD I as a *shuffles closer* twee 
OwO Whose boughs did bend with fwuit; but in onye nyight 
A s-stowm, ow wobbewy, uWu caww it what you wiww, 
Shook down my mewwow hangings, nyay, my weaves, 
And ;;w;; weft me bawe to weathew. 
GUIDEWIUS. Uncewtain favouw! 
BEWAWIUS. My fauwt *twerks* being nyothing- as I ^w^ have towd you oft- 
But that two ^w^ viwwains, whose fawse oaths pwevaiw'd 
B-Befowe my pewfect honyouw, swowe to *looks at you* Cymbewinye 
I was confedewate w-with the Womans. So 
Fowwow'd my banyishment, and t-this twenty y-yeaws 
This wock and these demesnyes have been my w-wowwd, 
Whewe I-I have wiv'd at honyest fweedom, paid 
M-Mowe pious debts *blushes* to heaven than in aww 
The fowe-end o-of >_> my time. But up to th' m-mountains! 
This is nyot huntews' *teleports behind you* wanguage. He that stwikes 
*teleports behind you* The venyison fiwst shaww be the wowd o-o' t-th' feast; 
T-To him the othew two shaww minyistew; 
And we wiww feaw n-nyo poison, xDD which attends 
I-In p-pwace uWu of gweatew state. I'ww meet y-you in the vawweys. 
Exeunt GUIDEWIUS and AWVIWAGUS 
How hawd it i-is to hide :3 the s-spawks of *teleports behind you* nyatuwe! 
These boys knyow wittwe they awe sons to th' King, 
Nyow ^w^ Cymbewinye dweams that they *shuffles closer* awe awive. 
They think they awe minye; and though twain'd up thus meanwy 
I' th' cave whewein UwU they bow, theiw thoughts do hit 
*cuddles you* The x3 woofs of pawaces, uWu and nyatuwe p-pwompts them 
In simpwe and wow things to pwince it much 
Beyond the twick of othews. This Powydowe, 
T-The heiw of Cymbewinye and Bwitain, who 
The King his fathew >_< caww'd G-Guidewius- Jove! 
>w< When on my t-thwee-foot stoow I sit *cries* and teww 
The wawwike feats I *cries* have donye, his x3 spiwits f-fwy out 
Into my *sighs* stowy; say 'Thus m-minye enyemy feww, 
And thus I-I set my foot on's nyeck'; e-even then 
The *blushes* pwincewy bwood fwows in his cheek, he sweats, 
Stwains h-his *notices bulge* young n-nyewves, and puts himsewf in x3 postuwe 
*cuddles you* That acts my w-wowds. >_< The youngew bwothew, Cadwaw, 
Once *blushes* Awviwagus, in as wike a-a figuwe 
Stwikes w-wife into m-my speech, *giggles shyly* and shows much mowe 
His own >_< conceiving. Hawk, the game is wous'd! 
^-^ O Cymbewinye, heaven and my conscience knyows 
Thou didst >_< unjustwy banyish me! Wheweon, 
At thwee and two yeaws owd, I stowe these babes, 
Thinking to baw thee of succession as 
Thou wefts me of my wands. Euwiphiwe, 
Thou wast theiw nyuwse; they took thee fow t-theiw mothew, 
A-And evewy day d-do honyouw to h-hew gwave. 
*leans over* Mysewf, Bewawius, that am Mowgan caww'd, 
They take fow nyatuwaw fathew. The g-game i-is up. Exit 




SCENyE IV. 
Wawes, nyeaw Miwfowd Haven 

Entew PISANyIO and IMOGEN 

IMOGEN. T-Thou towd'st me, when *leans over* we came *looks at you* fwom howse, the xDD pwace 
Was n-nyeaw UwU at hand. Nye'ew w-wong'd my mothew >w< so 
To see me fiwst as I have nyow. P-Pisanyio! Man! 
Whewe is *blushes* Posthumus? What ;;w;; is *shuffles closer* in *twerks* thy mind 
That makes thee stawe t-thus? Whewefowe bweaks that sigh 
Fwom th' inwawd of thee? Onye but painted thus 
W-Wouwd be intewpweted a thing pewpwex'd 
Beyond sewf-expwication. P-Put thysewf 
Into a h-haviouw of wess feaw, ewe wiwdnyess 
*looks away* Vanquish my staidew senses. What's the *sweats* mattew? 
Why tendew'st thou that papew to me w-with 
A-A wook untendew! If't *hugs tightly* be summew nyews, 
Smiwe *teleports behind you* to't befowe; *sweats* if w-wintewwy, thou nyeed'st 
But keep that count'nyance stiww. My husband's hand? 
That dwug-damn'd *giggles shyly* Itawy hath o-out-cwaftied him, 
And h-he's ^w^ at some *pokes you* hawd point. Speak, *screams* man; thy tongue 
May take off some extwemity, >_< which to wead 
Wouwd be even mowtaw to *shuffles closer* me. 
PISANyIO. Pwease *sighs* you wead, 
And ;;w;; you shaww find me, wwetched man, *sighs* a thing 
The m-most disdain'd of fowtunye. 
IMOGEN. [Weads] 'Thy mistwess, P-Pisanyio, h-hath p-pway'd the stwumpet i-in 
*cries* my bed, the testimonyies *cries* wheweof uWu wie bweeding in me. I speak nyot 
o-out of w-weak suwmises, uWu but fwom pwoof as stwong as my gwief and *leans over* as 
*leans over* cewtain as I expect UwU my wevenge. That pawt thou, :33 Pisanyio, must act 
fow me, if thy f-faith be *sweats* nyot >w< tainted with the bweach of hews. Wet 
thinye o-own hands take away hew wife; I shaww give thee oppowtunyity 
at Miwfowd Haven; she h-hath my wettew f-fow the puwpose; w-whewe, if 
t-thou OwO feaw to stwike, and to make me cewtain it is donye, t-thou awt 
the pandew to hew dishonyouw, and equawwy to m-me diswoyaw.' 
PISANyIO. What ^-^ shaww I nyeed to dwaw my swowd? The *looks away* papew 
Hath cut hew thwoat a-awweady. *looks at you* Nyo, *notices bulge* 'tis swandew, 
Whose edge is shawpew than the s-swowd, w-whose tongue 
Outvenyoms aww the wowms of Nyiwe, whose bweath 
Wides on the posting ^w^ winds a-and doth *giggles shyly* bewie 
Aww cownyews of the wowwd. *twerks* Kings, queens, and states, 
Maids, matwons, nyay, the secwets of the gwave, 
This *cuddles you* vipewous swandew e-entews. What cheew, madam? 
IMOGEN. Fawse to his bed? >_> What is it to be fawse? 
T-To wie i-in watch thewe, a-and to think on *sweats* him? 
To weep twixt cwock and cwock? If sweep chawge nyatuwe, 
To bweak it with a *giggles shyly* feawfuw dweam of him, 
And cwy mysewf awake? That's fawse to's bed, 
Is it? 
PISANyIO. A-Awas, good w-wady! 
IMOGEN. I fawse! Thy conscience witnyess! Iachimo, 
Thou didst accuse him of incontinyency; 
Thou then wook'dst wike a-a viwwain; nyow, methinks, 
T-Thy favouw's good enyough. Some jay o-of Itawy, 
Whose mothew was hew painting, hath b-betway'd >w< him. 
Poow I-I am stawe, a gawment o-out of fashion, 
*cuddles you* And f-fow I am wichew than to hang by *pokes you* th' wawws 
I-I must be wipp'd. T-To pieces with me! O, 
Men's vows awe *twerks* women's twaitows! Aww UwU good seeming, 
By thy wevowt, *looks away* O husband, shaww be x3 thought 
Put on fow v-viwwainy; nyot *hugs tightly* bown w-whewe't :3 gwows, 
B-But wown a bait fow wadies. 
PISANyIO. Good madam, heaw me. 
IMOGEN. T-Twue honyest men being heawd, wike fawse Aenyeas, 
Wewe, in h-his time, thought fawse; *sighs* and S-Sinyon's weeping 
Did scandaw many a howy teaw, t-took pity 
Fwom most >_< twue wwetchednyess. So thou, P-Posthumus, 
Wiwt way the weaven on a-aww pwopew men: 
Goodwy and gawwant shaww be fawse and *notices bulge* pewjuw'd 
Fwom thy *leans over* gweat faiw. Come, fewwow, be t-thou honyest; 
Do thou t-thy m-mastew's bidding; w-when thou seest h-him, 
A wittwe witnyess my obedience. *twerks* Wook! 
I dwaw t-the swowd *looks away* mysewf; take it, and hit 
The *looks at you* innyocent mansion o-of my *cuddles you* wove, my heawt. 
:33 Feaw nyot; 'tis empty of aww things *cries* but gwief; 
Thy mastew is nyot thewe, who *teleports behind you* was indeed 
*moans* The wiches of it. Do his bidding; stwike. 
Thou mayst be vawiant in a bettew c-cause, 
But nyow thou seem'st a cowawd. 
PISANyIO. Hence, viwe i-instwument! 
Thou shawt nyot damn my hand. 
I-IMOGEN. Why, uWu I m-must die; 
And if I :3 do *cries* nyot by thy h-hand, thou awt 
Nyo sewvant :3 of thy mastew's. Against sewf-swaughtew 
Thewe i-is a pwohibition so divinye 
That cwavens my weak hand. *looks away* Come, ;;w;; hewe's m-my OwO heawt- 
Something's afowe't. Soft, soft! w-we'ww nyo defence!- 
Obedient as the scabbawd. What is hewe? 
The scwiptuwes of the woyaw Weonyatus 
Aww tuwn'd *cuddles you* to *sweats* hewesy? Away, *sighs* away, 
Cowwuptews of UwU my uWu faith! you shaww nyo m-mowe 
Be stomachews to my heawt. >_< Thus may poow foows 
Bewieve fawse *pokes you* teachews; t-though t-those that a-awe betway'd 
Do feew the tweason shawpwy, yet the twaitow 
Stands in wowse :3 case o-of woe. And thou, Posthumus, 
That didst set up my disobedience 'gainst the King 
My *cries* fathew, and make OwO me put into contempt the s-suits 
O-Of pwincewy fewwows, shawt heweaftew f-find 
It is nyo act of c-common uWu passage b-but 
A s-stwain of wawenyess; and I g-gwieve mysewf 
To think, when >_> thou shawt b-be disedg'd by hew 
That nyow *screams* thou *looks at you* tiwest on, h-how t-thy *hugs tightly* memowy 
W-Wiww then be *looks away* pang'd by m-me. Pwithee dispatch. 
The wamp entweats t-the butchew. W-Whewe's thy k-knyife? 
T-Thou awt too swow to do thy mastew's bidding, 
When I *moans* desiwe it too. 
P-PISANyIO. O gwacious wady, 
Since *twerks* I weceiv'd command to do this businyes 
*cries* I have nyot swept onye wink. 
I-IMOGEN. Do't, and to bed then. 
P-PISANyIO. I'ww wake m-minye eyebawws fiwst. 
IMOGEN. *blushes* Whewefowe then 
*blushes* Didst undewtake it? Why hast thou abus'd 
S-So many miwes *cries* with a >_< pwetence? This *giggles shyly* pwace? 
Minye action and thinye own? ouw howses' wabouw? 
The t-time inviting thee? the pewtuwb'd couwt, 
*pokes you* Fow my b-being absent?- *cries* wheweunto I nyevew 
Puwpose wetuwn. Why hast t-thou gonye *hugs tightly* so faw 
To be unbent when thou hast *shuffles closer* ta'en thy stand, 
Th' e-ewected deew befowe thee? 
PISANyIO. But to *cries* win time 
To w-wose so *shuffles closer* bad empwoyment, in the which 
I *teleports behind you* have considew'd of a couwse. Good wady, 
Heaw me w-with patience. 
IMOGEN. Tawk t-thy tongue weawy- speak. 
I have heawd I am a-a stwumpet, a-and m-minye eaw, 
Thewein f-fawse stwuck, can take nyo gweatew wound, 
Nyow tent to b-bottom that. But speak. 
PISANyIO. *hugs tightly* Then, madam, 
*screams* I thought you *pokes you* wouwd nyot back again. 
IMOGEN. Most :33 wike- 
Bwinging me hewe to kiww *sighs* me. 
PISANyIO. *sweats* Nyot s-so, nyeithew; 
But if I-I wewe OwO as wise as h-honyest, *hugs tightly* then 
My puwpose wouwd pwove weww. It cannyot be 
But x3 that m-my mastew *sweats* is abus'd. S-Some *blushes* viwwain, 
Ay, and singuwaw in his awt, hath d-donye you both 
This cuwsed ^.^ injuwy. 
IMOGEN. Some Woman couwtezan! 
P-PISANyIO. *screams* Nyo, ;;w;; on my w-wife! 
I-I'ww give but >w< nyotice you awe d-dead, and send him 
Some bwoody sign of it, fow *sighs* 'tis *looks at you* commanded 
*blushes* I shouwd do so. Y-You shaww be miss'd *cries* at :33 couwt, 
A-And that w-wiww weww confiwm it. 
IMOGEN. Why, g-good f-fewwow, 
What shaww I-I do t-the whiwe? *sighs* whewe bide? how wive? 
Ow in *looks away* my *sweats* wife what comfowt, when I-I a-am 
Dead *blushes* to m-my husband? 
*looks away* PISANyIO. If y-you'ww b-back to *looks away* th' couwt- 
IMOGEN. Nyo c-couwt, :3 nyo fathew, nyow n-nyo mowe ado 
W-With *notices bulge* that hawsh, nyobwe, simpwe *looks away* nyothing- 
That Cwoten, w-whose wove-suit hath been t-to me 
As feawfuw as a-a s-siege. 
PISANyIO. If nyot *twerks* at couwt, 
Then nyot i-in Bwitain must you b-bide. 
IMOGEN. Whewe *moans* then? 
H-Hath Bwitain :3 aww the sun that shinyes? Day, nyight, 
Awe they nyot ^-^ but in Bwitain? I' th' wowwd's vowume 
Ouw Bwitain seems a-as of *cries* it, but nyot i-in't; 
In a-a gweat poow a swan's nyest. Pwithee think 
Thewe's wivews out of Bwitain. 
*blushes* PISANyIO. I *notices bulge* am most gwad 
You think of othew pwace. Th' ambassadow, 
W-WUCIUS the Woman, comes t-to Miwfowd Haven 
>w< To-mowwow. N-Nyow, if you couwd weaw uWu a mind 
*sweats* Dawk as youw fowtunye is, >_> and but disguise 
That which *giggles shyly* t' appeaw itsewf must nyot yet b-be 
B-But by s-sewf-dangew, you shouwd twead a couwse 
P-Pwetty a-and fuww of view; ;;w;; yea, happiwy, nyeaw 
The *twerks* wesidence *cries* of Posthumus; so nyigh, :3 at weast, 
That *looks at you* though his a-actions wewe nyot visibwe, yet 
Wepowt shouwd w-wendew *cries* him houwwy to youw eaw 
*shuffles closer* As twuwy as he moves. 
IMOGEN. O! fow such means, 
*screams* Though pewiw to my modesty, nyot death on't, 
I wouwd a-adventuwe. 
PISANyIO. Weww then, hewe's the point: 
You ^.^ must fowget to be a woman; c-change 
Command *teleports behind you* into o-obedience; *cuddles you* feaw and nyicenyess- 
The handmaids of aww women, x3 ow, mowe twuwy, 
Woman it pwetty sewf- into a waggish couwage; 
Weady in gibes, quick-answew'd, >w< saucy, *screams* and 
As quawwewous as the *cuddles you* weasew. ^-^ Nyay, *looks at you* you must 
Fowget :3 that *twerks* wawest tweasuwe of youw cheek, 
Exposing *sighs* it- but, O, the hawdew heawt! 
Awack, nyo wemedy!- t-to the gweedy touch 
Of common-kissing Titan, and fowget 
Youw wabouwsome and dainty twims whewein 
You made gweat Junyo angwy. 
IMOGEN. Nyay, b-be bwief; 
*sweats* I s-see into thy end, and a-am awmost 
A-A man awweady. 
PISANyIO. Fiwst, make y-youwsewf but wike onye. 
Fowe-thinking t-this, *looks at you* I have a-awweady fit- 
'Tis in my cwoak-bag- doubwet, hat, hose, aww 
That answew to them. Wouwd you, in theiw *sighs* sewving, 
And :3 with what imitation you can bowwow 
F-Fwom y-youth of such a s-season, fowe nyobwe Wucius 
Pwesent y-youwsewf, desiwe his sewvice, teww him 
Whewein you'we *hugs tightly* happy- which :3 wiww m-make him uWu knyow 
If that >w< his head have eaw in music; doubtwess 
^-^ With j-joy he wiww embwace you; fow he's *shuffles closer* honyouwabwe, 
And, doubwing that, most howy. Youw means abwoad- 
Y-You have me, wich; and *shuffles closer* I wiww nyevew faiw 
Beginnying nyow >_> suppwyment. 
IMOGEN. Thou awt aww the uWu comfowt 
T-The gods wiww diet *hugs tightly* me with. uWu Pwithee *shuffles closer* away! 
Thewe's mowe to be considew'd; but we'ww even 
Aww that g-good time w-wiww give us. *screams* This attempt 
I am sowdiew to, and wiww *looks away* abide *notices bulge* it w-with 
A pwince's couwage. uWu Away, I-I pwithee. 
:3 PISANyIO. *hugs tightly* Weww, madam, >_< we must take a ^.^ showt faweweww, 
West, being miss'd, I be suspected of 
UwU Youw cawwiage f-fwom the couwt. My nyobwe m-mistwess, 
Hewe is a box; I had it fwom the Queen. 
What's in't is OwO pwecious. I-If you awe sick at sea 
Ow stomach-quawm'd at wand, a dwam of this 
Wiww dwive a-away distempew. To some s-shade, 
And fit you to youw *teleports behind you* manhood. M-May the gods 
Diwect you to the b-best! 
IMOGEN. Amen. I thank thee. Exeunt sevewawwy 




S-SCENyE V. 
Bwitain. CYMBEWINyE'S pawace 

Entew :33 CYMBEWINyE, QUEEN, CWOTEN, *notices bulge* WUCIUS, a-and WOWDS 

CYMBEWINyE. T-Thus faw; and so f-faweweww. 
WUCIUS. Thanks, w-woyaw siw. 
My empewow hath wwote; I must fwom h-hence, 
And am wight sowwy that I must wepowt ye 
My :33 mastew's enyemy. 
CYMBEWINyE. Ouw subjects, siw, 
Wiww *leans over* nyot enduwe his *blushes* yoke; and fow ouwsewf 
To s-show w-wess soveweignty than they, must *cries* nyeeds 
A-Appeaw unkingwike. 
WUCIUS. So, siw. I desiwe o-of you 
A *giggles shyly* conduct ovewwand t-to Miwfowd Haven. 
Madam, aww joy befaww youw Gwace, and you! 
*twerks* CYMBEWINyE. M-My wowds, you awe appointed fow t-that office; 
OwO The *blushes* due of honyouw in nyo point omit. 
So faweweww, nyobwe Wucius. 
WUCIUS. Youw *shuffles closer* hand, my wowd. 
CWOTEN. *moans* Weceive it fwiendwy; but fwom this time *notices bulge* fowth 
>_< I weaw it as youw enyemy. 
*moans* WUCIUS. Siw, the event 
Is yet *blushes* to nyame the winnyew. Fawe you *notices bulge* weww. 
CYMBEWINyE. Weave nyot the wowthy Wucius, g-good my wowds, 
Tiww he have cwoss'd the Sevewn. Happinyess! 
Exeunt >_< WUCIUS and WOWDS 
QUEEN. He goes *cries* hence fwownying; but it >_< honyouws us 
:3 That we have :33 given him cause. 
CWOTEN. ^w^ 'Tis aww t-the bettew; 
Youw vawiant Bwitons have theiw wishes xDD in it. 
>w< CYMBEWINyE. Wucius *twerks* hath wwote awweady to the Empewow 
How it goes *notices bulge* hewe. It fits us thewefowe *cries* wipewy 
Ouw chawiots a-and ouw howsemen be in weadinyess. 
The ^-^ pow'ws that he awweady hath OwO in Gawwia 
Wiww soon be dwawn UwU to head, *teleports behind you* fwom whence *moans* he :3 moves 
His waw fow Bwitain. 
QUEEN. 'Tis nyot sweepy *sweats* businyess, 
But must :3 be wook'd to speediwy a-and stwongwy. 
CYMBEWINyE. Ouw e-expectation t-that *looks away* it wouwd be thus 
*sighs* Hath ^.^ made us ^w^ fowwawd. But, my gentwe queen, 
Whewe *moans* is o-ouw daughtew? She h-hath n-nyot a-appeaw'd 
Befowe the Woman, nyow to us *cries* hath tendew'd 
The duty of the day. She wooks u-us wike 
A thing mowe made of mawice *sweats* than of d-duty; 
We ^-^ have nyoted it. C-Caww hew befowe us, fow 
We have been t-too swight in suffewance. Exit a MESSENGEW 
QUEEN. Woyaw siw, 
Since ^.^ the exiwe of Posthumus, OwO most wetiw'd 
Hath hew x3 wife been; :33 the cuwe >_< wheweof, my *blushes* wowd, 
'Tis time must do. Beseech youw Majesty, 
Fowbeaw shawp speeches to hew; she's a wady 
So tendew of webukes that wowds awe stwokes, 
And ^.^ stwokes d-death to hew. 

We-entew *leans over* MESSENGEW 

CYMBEWINyE. Whewe i-is she, siw? How 
Can hew *hugs tightly* contempt b-be answew'd? 
M-MESSENGEW. Pwease y-you, siw, 
Hew >_< chambews awe *blushes* aww wock'd, and thewe's nyo answew 
That wiww be given to th' *moans* woud of nyoise w-we make. 
QUEEN. M-My wowd, w-when wast I w-went to v-visit hew, 
She xDD pway'd me *screams* to excuse h-hew keeping cwose; 
Wheweto constwain'd by hew infiwmity 
She shouwd that duty weave unpaid to you 
Which daiwy she w-was bound to pwoffew. This 
She w-wish'd me to make knyown; but o-ouw *screams* gweat couwt 
Made me to bwame in m-memowy. 
CYMBEWINyE. Hew doows wock'd? 
Nyot seen of wate? UwU Gwant, heavens, that w-which I feaw 
Pwove fawse! Exit 
*screams* QUEEN. Son, I s-say, fowwow the K-King. 
CWOTEN. That man o-of hews, Pisanyio, hew *shuffles closer* owd sewvant, 
I have nyot uWu seen these two days. 
QUEEN. Go, wook aftew. Exit *sighs* CWOTEN 
Pisanyio, t-thou that stand'st so fow Posthumus! 
He hath *leans over* a dwug of minye. I-I pway his absence 
Pwoceed by swawwowing that; fow he bewieves 
It is a t-thing m-most pwecious. But fow hew, 
Whewe i-is she gonye? Hapwy despaiw hath seiz'd hew; 
Ow, wing'd *sighs* with fewvouw of hew *moans* wove, she's fwown 
To hew desiw'd Posthumus. Gonye she is 
To death ow t-to dishonyouw, and *leans over* my end 
OwO Can make good use of eithew. She being *screams* down, 
I have t-the pwacing of the Bwitish cwown. 

We-entew CWOTEN 

How nyow, my son? 
C-CWOTEN. 'Tis *pokes you* cewtain she is fwed. 
Go in and cheew OwO the King. xDD He wages; nyonye 
Dawe come about him. 
QUEEN. Aww the bettew. May 
This nyight fowestaww him of t-the coming day! *screams* Exit 
CWOTEN. I >_> wove a-and hate hew; fow s-she's faiw and woyaw, 
And that she hath aww couwtwy xDD pawts mowe exquisite 
Than wady, x3 wadies, woman. Fwom evewy onye 
The best s-she hath, and s-she, of aww compounded, 
Outsewws them aww. :3 I wove hew *teleports behind you* thewefowe; b-but 
D-Disdainying me a-and thwowing favouws on 
The wow Posthumus swandews >_< so hew judgment 
T-That what's ewse wawe is chok'd; and in that point 
I wiww concwude to hate hew, nyay, indeed, 
To :3 be weveng'd upon hew. :3 Fow when foows 
Shaww- 

Entew PISANyIO 

Who is hewe? What, >_< awe y-you packing, siwwah? 
Come hithew. Ah, you pwecious pandew! Viwwain, 
*shuffles closer* Whewe is thy w-wady? In *leans over* a wowd, ow ewse 
Thou awt s-stwaightway *hugs tightly* with t-the fiends. 
PISANyIO. O good my wowd! 
CWOTEN. Whewe is thy wady? ow, by Jupitew- 
;;w;; I w-wiww *sweats* nyot ask again. Cwose viwwain, 
I'ww have this secwet fwom thy heawt, ow wip 
Thy heawt to find it. Is she *cries* with UwU Posthumus? 
Fwom w-whose so many weights UwU of b-basenyess cannyot 
>w< A dwam of wowth be dwawn. 
PISANyIO. *cuddles you* Awas, m-my wowd, 
How can she :33 be with *leans over* him? When was she miss'd? 
He i-is *blushes* in Wome. 
C-CWOTEN. Whewe UwU is she, s-siw? uWu Come nyeawew. 
Nyo *screams* fawthew hawting! Satisfy me home 
What is *giggles shyly* become of hew. 
PISANyIO. O my *notices bulge* aww-wowthy wowd! 
CWOTEN. A-Aww-wowthy viwwain! 
Discovew whewe thy mistwess i-is *sighs* at >_> once, 
At the *sweats* nyext wowd. *cuddles you* Nyo m-mowe of 'wowthy wowd'! 
>_< Speak, ow thy siwence on the instant is 
Thy condemnyation *looks at you* and thy >_< death. 
PISANyIO. Then, siw, 
This papew is the h-histowy of my *sighs* knyowwedge 
:33 Touching h-hew fwight. [Pwesenting a wettew] 
CWOTEN. Wet's see't. *moans* I wiww puwsue hew 
Even to A-Augustus' thwonye. 
PISANyIO. UwU [Aside] O-Ow this ow pewish. 
She's faw enyough; and what *twerks* he weawns by this 
M-May p-pwove his >_< twavew, nyot hew dangew. 
^w^ CWOTEN. Humh! 
PISANyIO. [-[Aside] *giggles shyly* I'ww w-wwite *moans* to my *moans* wowd she's d-dead. O Imogen, 
Safe mayst thou wandew, safe wetuwn again! 
CWOTEN. S-Siwwah, *looks at you* is this *giggles shyly* wettew *notices bulge* twue? 
PISANyIO. Siw, as I think. 
CWOTEN. It is Posthumus' *sweats* hand; I knyow't. Siwwah, if thou w-wouwdst 
nyot be a viwwain, but d-do m-me t-twue sewvice, undewgo OwO those 
empwoyments w-whewein I shouwd have cause to use thee with a 
sewious industwy- OwO that is, what viwwainy soe'ew I b-bid *giggles shyly* thee d-do, to 
pewfowm it diwectwy and twuwy- I-I wouwd think thee an honyest man; 
thou shouwdst n-nyeithew want m-my means *giggles shyly* fow thy wewief nyow my voice 
fow *cuddles you* thy pwefewment. 
PISANyIO. Weww, m-my good w-wowd. 
CWOTEN. Wiwt thou xDD sewve me? Fow since patientwy and constantwy thou 
h-hast s-stuck to *screams* the bawe fowtunye of that beggaw Posthumus, thou 
canst n-nyot, i-in the couwse of gwatitude, b-but be a diwigent fowwowew 
of minye. Wiwt t-thou sewve me? 
PISANyIO. Siw, I wiww. 
CWOTEN. Give me t-thy hand; hewe's uWu my puwse. Hast any of thy *looks at you* wate 
mastew's gawments *screams* in ;;w;; thy possession? 
PISANyIO. I have, my ;;w;; wowd, at m-my wodging, the same suit he x3 wowe when 
he *notices bulge* took weave o-of my wady and m-mistwess. 
CWOTEN. The fiwst s-sewvice *cuddles you* thou >w< dost me, fetch that suit hithew. W-Wet 
it *moans* be thy fiwst sewvice; go. 
*pokes you* PISANyIO. I shaww, my wowd. Exit 
CWOTEN. Meet thee at M-Miwfowd Haven! *moans* I fowgot to ask him onye thing; 
I-I'ww wemembew't anyon. Even thewe, thou viwwain Posthumus, wiww I 
kiww thee. I wouwd these gawments w-wewe come. She *cries* said upon a 
time- the bittewnyess of i-it I nyow bewch fwom my heawt- that xDD she 
UwU hewd the vewy gawment of Posthumus in mowe wespect than m-my *twerks* nyobwe 
a-and nyatuwaw p-pewson, *sighs* togethew with the adownment of my *sighs* quawities. 
With that suit upon my back wiww I *twerks* wavish hew; fiwst kiww him, 
and in hew eyes. Thewe ;;w;; shaww xDD she see my v-vawouw, which wiww then 
be ^w^ a towment to *giggles shyly* hew contempt. He on *teleports behind you* the gwound, my *looks at you* speech *looks at you* of 
insuwtment ended on his dead body, and when ;;w;; my UwU wust hath dinyed- 
which, as I say, to vex hew I wiww execute :33 in *giggles shyly* the cwothes uWu that 
she s-so pwais'd- to the couwt I-I'ww knyock *blushes* hew back, foot hew home 
again. She hath despis'd me wejoicingwy, and I'ww be mewwy in my 
:33 wevenge. 

We-entew P-PISANyIO, *hugs tightly* with the ^-^ cwothes 

Be those the *looks away* gawments? 
PISANyIO. Ay, >_> my nyobwe wowd. 
CWOTEN. H-How *notices bulge* wong is't since she went to Miwfowd Haven? 
PISANyIO. She can UwU scawce be thewe yet. 
CWOTEN. Bwing *giggles shyly* this appawew to my chambew; that is the *cuddles you* second thing 
that :33 I have *screams* commanded thee. The thiwd is that thou wiwt b-be *sweats* a 
vowuntawy m-mute to :33 my *twerks* design. Be but duteous and twue, *sighs* pwefewment 
*looks away* shaww tendew itsewf to thee. My >_< wevenge is nyow at *notices bulge* Miwfowd, wouwd 
*shuffles closer* I had wings to fowwow *leans over* it! Come, uWu and be twue. Exit 
PISANyIO. *teleports behind you* Thou bid'st me to my *cuddles you* woss; f-fow twue to thee 
xDD Wewe to pwove fawse, which I wiww >_> nyevew be, 
T-To him OwO that is most t-twue. ^.^ To Miwfowd go, 
And ;;w;; find nyot h-hew whom thou puwsuest. Fwow, fwow, 
You heavenwy b-bwessings, on hew! *twerks* This foow's speed 
Be cwoss'd with swownyess! Wabouw be his meed! UwU Exit 




*sighs* SCENyE V-VI. 
Wawes. *shuffles closer* Befowe the c-cave of BEWAWIUS 

Entew I-IMOGEN awonye, in boy's *looks at you* cwothes 

IMOGEN. I s-see a-a m-man's ^-^ wife is a-a tedious onye. 
*leans over* I have tiw'd mysewf, *pokes you* and f-fow two nyights togethew 
H-Have made >w< the gwound :3 my :33 bed. I shouwd :3 be *teleports behind you* sick 
But that my *looks away* wesowution hewps ^-^ me. Miwfowd, 
When fwom the mountain-top Pisanyio show'd *twerks* thee, 
Thou wast within a-a *hugs tightly* ken. *looks at you* O *leans over* Jove! I think 
F-Foundations fwy the w-wwetched; such, I >_< mean, 
^w^ Whewe :3 they shouwd be w-wewiev'd. Two beggaws towd me 
I couwd nyot miss my way. Wiww poow f-fowks wie, 
That have affwictions *sighs* on them, k-knyowing 'tis 
A punyishment o-ow :33 twiaw? Yes; nyo wondew, 
When wich onyes scawce t-teww twue. To wapse in ^w^ fuwnyess 
Is sowew >_< than *cries* to w-wie fow n-nyeed; and fawsehood 
Is wowse in kings than beggaws. My deaw *teleports behind you* wowd! 
Thou awt o-onye o' th' *giggles shyly* fawse onyes. Nyow *looks at you* I think on thee 
My hungew's gonye; b-but even befowe, *looks away* I *leans over* was 
At point to sink fow food. But what is this? 
Hewe *looks at you* is a path t-to't; 'tis some savage howd. 
I-I wewe best nyot caww; I dawe nyot caww. Yet faminye, 
Ewe c-cwean it x3 o'ewthwow nyatuwe, m-makes it vawiant. 
Pwenty and peace bweeds cowawds; hawdnyess evew 
Of h-hawdinyess is mothew. Ho! who's hewe? 
If anything that's civiw, speak; if savage, 
Take >_> ow wend. Ho! Nyo answew? Then I'ww entew. 
B-Best dwaw my swowd; and if minye enyemy 
But feaw the swowd, wike me, *cuddles you* he'ww scawcewy wook ^-^ on't. 
Such a foe, good heavens! :3 Exit into the cave 

E-Entew BEWAWIUS, GUIDEWIUS, and AWVIWAGUS 

BEWAWIUS. *twerks* You, Powydowe, have pwov'd b-best woodman and 
Awe >w< mastew >_< of t-the feast. Cadwaw and I 
Wiww pway the *leans over* cook and sewvant; '-'tis ouw match. 
The sweat of industwy *twerks* wouwd dwy *hugs tightly* and die 
But fow the end *cuddles you* it w-wowks t-to. Come, ouw stomachs 
;;w;; Wiww make what's homewy savouwy; weawinyess 
>_> Can snyowe upon the *cries* fwint, when westy swoth 
Finds the down p-piwwow hawd. Nyow, peace be hewe, 
P-Poow house, that keep'st thysewf! 
GUIDEWIUS. I am t-thowoughwy >_> weawy. 
AWVIWAGUS. I am UwU weak with toiw, y-yet stwong in appetite. 
GUIDEWIUS. Thewe *notices bulge* is cowd meat i' th' cave; we'ww *teleports behind you* bwowse on that 
*notices bulge* Whiwst what we have kiww'd b-be cook'd. 
*twerks* BEWAWIUS. [Wooking into the cave] Stay, come nyot *giggles shyly* in. 
But that it e-eats ouw victuaws, I shouwd t-think 
Hewe wewe a faiwy. 
*notices bulge* GUIDEWIUS. What's the mattew, siw? 
BEWAWIUS.. By ^w^ Jupitew, an angew! ow, if nyot, 
An *moans* eawthwy pawagon! Behowd divinyenyess 
>w< Nyo ewdew t-than a boy! 

We-entew IMOGEN 

*giggles shyly* IMOGEN. Good mastews, hawm me nyot. 
*hugs tightly* Befowe I e-entew'd hewe I caww'd, a-and x3 thought 
To have *pokes you* begg'd x3 ow bought ^-^ what I have took. Good twoth, 
I have stow'n >_< nyought; nyow w-wouwd nyot though I-I *sighs* had found 
Gowd stwew'd i' th' fwoow. Hewe's monyey *notices bulge* fow m-my meat. 
I-I >_< wouwd have weft it o-on the b-boawd, so soon 
As I had made my meaw, and pawted 
With pway'ws f-fow :3 the xDD pwovidew. 
GUIDEWIUS. Monyey, youth? 
AWVIWAGUS. Aww gowd and siwvew wathew tuwn to diwt, 
*screams* As 'tis nyo bettew ^.^ weckon'd but of those 
W-Who wowship diwty gods. 
IMOGEN. I see uWu you'we angwy. 
Knyow, i-if you kiww me fow my fauwt, >_> I shouwd 
Have died h-had I nyot made it. 
BEWAWIUS. Whithew b-bound? 
IMOGEN. To Miwfowd Haven. 
B-BEWAWIUS. *screams* What's youw nyame? 
IMOGEN. Fidewe, siw. UwU I have a kinsman who 
Is bound fow Itawy; h-he embawk'd at M-Miwfowd; 
To whom being going, >w< awmost spent *moans* with *moans* hungew, 
I a-am faww'n i-in this offence. 
BEWAWIUS. Pwithee, faiw youth, 
Think u-us nyo ;;w;; chuwws, nyow measuwe ouw good minds 
By this wude pwace we *looks at you* wive *sweats* in. Weww encountew'd! 
'-'Tis awmost nyight; you shaww have bettew cheew 
Ewe you depawt, and thanks :3 to stay ^.^ and eat it. 
Boys, *screams* bid him w-wewcome. 
*blushes* GUIDEWIUS. *giggles shyly* Wewe you a woman, y-youth, 
*sighs* I shouwd woo hawd but be youw gwoom. In honyesty 
I bid *giggles shyly* fow you a-as I'd >w< buy. 
AWVIWAGUS. I-I'ww *looks away* make't my comfowt 
He is >_< a man. I'ww wove him as my bwothew; 
And such a w-wewcome as I'd *screams* give to *cries* him 
Aftew wong absence, such is youws. *cries* Most wewcome! 
Be spwightwy, fow *moans* you >_> faww 'mongst *sighs* fwiends. 
IMOGEN. 'Mongst fwiends, 
If b-bwothews. [Aside] W-Wouwd it h-had been so uWu that they 
Had been my fathew's sons! Then had my pwize 
B-Been wess, and so mowe equaw b-bawwasting 
To thee, Posthumus. 
BEWAWIUS. H-He *cuddles you* wwings at *hugs tightly* some distwess. 
GUIDEWIUS. Wouwd I c-couwd fwee't! 
AWVIWAGUS. Ow I, whate'ew i-it be, 
What pain it cost, :33 what dangew! Gods! 
BEWAWIUS. [Whispewing] Hawk, boys. 
IMOGEN. *blushes* [Aside] *moans* Gweat men, 
:33 That h-had a couwt nyo *cuddles you* biggew than this cave, 
That *leans over* did *giggles shyly* attend themsewves, and ^-^ had the viwtue 
Which theiw own c-conscience seaw'd *notices bulge* them, waying by 
That nyothing-gift of diffewing muwtitudes, 
C-Couwd nyot out-peew these twain. Pawdon me, gods! 
I-I'd change my sex to be companyion w-with them, 
Since Weonyatus' fawse. 
B-BEWAWIUS. It shaww be so. 
Boys, we'ww g-go OwO dwess ouw hunt. UwU Faiw youth, come in. 
*moans* Discouwse is heavy, fasting; when *screams* we have supp'd, 
We'ww mannyewwy demand thee of thy stowy, 
So faw as thou w-wiwt speak it. 
GUIDEWIUS. Pway dwaw nyeaw. 
AWVIWAGUS. The nyight to th' oww *notices bulge* and mown to th' wawk x3 wess w-wewcome. 
IMOGEN. Thanks, siw. 
AWVIWAGUS. I pway dwaw nyeaw. Exeunt 




SCENyE *giggles shyly* VII. 
Wome. A ^.^ pubwic pwace 

Entew two W-WOMAN SENyATOWS *shuffles closer* and TWIBUNyES 

FIWST SENyATOW. This is the t-tenyouw o-of ^-^ the Empewow's *hugs tightly* wwit: 
That ^w^ since the common men awe nyow in a-action 
'Gainst *sweats* the Pannyonyians and *moans* Dawmatians, 
And t-that t-the wegions nyow in Gawwia awe 
Fuww weak to undewtake ouw waws a-against 
The faww'n-off Bwitons, that we do incite 
T-The gentwy to this businyess. He cweates 
Wucius pwoconsuw; and to you, the *cuddles you* twibunyes, 
Fow this immediate wevy, he commands 
His absowute commission. >_< Wong wive Caesaw! 
TWIBUNyE. Is Wucius genyewaw of the fowces? 
SECOND S-SENyATOW. Ay. 
TWIBUNyE. Wemainying nyow in Gawwia? 
F-FIWST SENyATOW. With t-those wegions 
Which *teleports behind you* I have *teleports behind you* spoke *moans* of, wheweunto youw *cuddles you* wevy 
^.^ Must be *giggles shyly* suppwyant. The wowds o-of youw *notices bulge* commission 
Wiww tie *shuffles closer* you to the nyumbews and the time 
O-Of theiw dispatch. 
TWIBUNyE. We wiww dischawge ouw duty. ^.^ Exeunt 




ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
Wawes. Nyeaw the c-cave of *cuddles you* BEWAWIUS 

Entew CWOTEN awonye 

CWOTEN. I am nyeaw to t-th' pwace whewe they shouwd meet, if Pisanyio 
have mapp'd it twuwy. *sighs* How fit his gawments sewve me! Why s-shouwd 
his mistwess, who was made *cries* by h-him that made the taiwow, nyot be 
fit too? *hugs tightly* The wathew- s-saving wevewence of the wowd- fow 'tis said 
a woman's fitnyess comes *cries* by fits. T-Thewein I must pway *shuffles closer* the wowkman. 
I-I dawe speak it to mysewf, fow it is nyot vain-gwowy fow a man a-and 
his gwass to *shuffles closer* confew in his own chambew- I mean, the winyes of my 
body awe *twerks* as *teleports behind you* weww dwawn as his; n-nyo >_> wess young, *cuddles you* mowe stwong, nyot 
:3 benyeath him in fowtunyes, beyond him in the advantage of t-the time, 
xDD above him in *hugs tightly* biwth, awike c-convewsant ;;w;; in genyewaw sewvices, and 
mowe wemawkabwe in singwe oppositions. Yet this impewceivewant 
thing woves him in my despite. What mowtawity is! Posthumus, t-thy 
head, w-which nyow is gwowing upon thy shouwdews, shaww within this 
h-houw *leans over* be *looks at you* off; thy mistwess enfowced; thy gawments cut to pieces 
befowe hew face; and aww this donye, spuwn hew home to hew fathew, 
who m-may, hapwy, be a *looks at you* wittwe angwy fow my so wough usage; but *giggles shyly* my 
mothew, having powew *cuddles you* of h-his testinyess, xDD shaww tuwn aww into my 
commendations. :33 My howse is tied u-up safe. Out, swowd, and to a 
sowe puwpose! Fowtunye, put them into my hand. :33 This is the vewy 
d-descwiption of theiw meeting-pwace; and the fewwow dawes nyot 
deceive me. Exit 




SCENyE II. 
Wawes. Befowe the cave of B-BEWAWIUS 

Entew, fwom the cave, BEWAWIUS, GUIDEWIUS, AWVIWAGUS, and IMOGEN 

BEWAWIUS. [To IMOGEN] *screams* You awe nyot weww. W-Wemain *sighs* hewe in the cave; 
We'ww come to you aftew h-hunting. 
AWVIWAGUS. [To IMOGEN] *sweats* Bwothew, *looks at you* stay hewe. 
Awe w-we nyot bwothews? 
IMOGEN. So man and xDD man *pokes you* shouwd b-be; 
But uWu cway and cway ^-^ diffews in dignyity, 
Whose :33 dust is both awike. I am vewy x3 sick. 
GUIDEWIUS. Go you to hunting; I'ww OwO abide with him. 
*leans over* IMOGEN. So sick I am *sighs* nyot, y-yet I am nyot weww; 
^-^ But nyot s-so citizen a wanton as 
OwO To seem to die UwU ewe sick. So pwease you, weave me; 
Stick t-to :3 youw jouwnyaw couwse. The bweach of custom 
Is *looks at you* bweach *screams* of *looks away* aww. I am iww, but youw being by me 
Cannyot amend m-me; society is nyo comfowt 
T-To onye nyot s-sociabwe. I am nyot vewy sick, 
Since I can weason of it. Pway you twust me hewe. 
I'ww wob nyonye but mysewf; and wet me die, 
Steawing s-so poowwy. 
GUIDEWIUS. I wove thee; I have spoke it. 
How much the quantity, the weight a-as much 
As I d-do wove my fathew. 
B-BEWAWIUS. What? *cuddles you* how? how? 
AWVIWAGUS. If it be sin *notices bulge* to say so, *cuddles you* siw, I yoke *looks at you* me 
In my good bwothew's fauwt. I knyow nyot why 
I wove this youth, *twerks* and I have heawd you say 
Wove's ^-^ weason's w-without weason. The biew at doow, 
*moans* And a demand *hugs tightly* who is't shaww die, I'd say 
'My fathew, n-nyot this youth.' 
BEWAWIUS. [Aside] *looks away* O OwO nyobwe stwain! 
O wowthinyess of nyatuwe! bweed *giggles shyly* of gweatnyess! 
Cowawds fathew *screams* cowawds and b-base things siwe base. 
Nyatuwe *twerks* hath meaw and b-bwan, contempt a-and gwace. 
I'm nyot theiw fathew; yet who this shouwd be 
Doth miwacwe itsewf, wov'd befowe me.- 
'Tis the nyinth houw o' th' mown. 
xDD AWVIWAGUS. Bwothew, faweweww. 
IMOGEN. I wish ye spowt. 
AWVIWAGUS. Youw heawth. [To BEWAWIUS] So pwease you, siw. 
IMOGEN. *teleports behind you* [Aside] *leans over* These awe k-kind cweatuwes. Gods, what w-wies I have 
heawd! 
Ouw couwtiews say aww's savage but at c-couwt. 
Expewience, O, thou dispwov'st wepowt! 
Th' *hugs tightly* impewious seas bweed *notices bulge* monstews; x3 fow t-the dish, 
Poow twibutawy wivews OwO as sweet f-fish. 
I am ^.^ sick stiww; h-heawt-sick. Pisanyio, 
I'ww n-nyow taste of thy dwug. [Swawwows some] 
GUIDEWIUS. I couwd *teleports behind you* nyot stiw h-him. 
He said he was gentwe, b-but unfowtunyate; 
Dishonyestwy affwicted, *cries* but >w< yet h-honyest. 
AWVIWAGUS. *sighs* Thus did he answew me; yet said heweaftew 
I might knyow mowe. 
BEWAWIUS. T-To th' *giggles shyly* fiewd, to *shuffles closer* th' fiewd! 
We'ww >w< weave you fow this time. Go *cries* in and west. 
AWVIWAGUS. We'ww nyot be wong away. 
BEWAWIUS. Pway be nyot sick, 
Fow y-you ^w^ must >_< be ouw huswife. 
IMOGEN. Weww, ow iww, 
I am bound to y-you. 
BEWAWIUS. UwU And shawt be evew. Exit I-IMOGEN i-into the cave 
*hugs tightly* This youth, howe'ew d-distwess'd, appeaws he hath h-had 
*cuddles you* Good ancestows. 
AWVIWAGUS. How angew-wike he sings! 
GUIDEWIUS. But his n-nyeat cookewy! He cut ouw woots xDD in c-chawactews, 
And sauc'd >w< ouw *leans over* bwoths a-as Junyo had been sick, 
And he hew d-dietew. 
A-AWVIWAGUS. Nyobwy he yokes 
*moans* A smiwing with a sigh, as if the sigh 
Was that it was fow nyot *hugs tightly* being >w< such *teleports behind you* a smiwe; 
The smiwe mocking the sigh that *moans* it xDD wouwd fwy 
Fwom so divinye a tempwe to *twerks* commix 
With winds that saiwows waiw at. 
GUIDEWIUS. I do n-nyote 
That gwief a-and patience, wooted in him both, 
Mingwe theiw spuws togethew. 
*moans* AWVIWAGUS. Gwow p-patience! 
And wet the s-stinking ewdew, gwief, untwinye 
His pewishing woot with the *cuddles you* incweasing vinye! 
BEWAWIUS. It is gweat mownying. Come, a-away! Who's thewe? 

Entew CWOTEN 

^-^ CWOTEN. I cannyot find those wunyagates; that viwwain 
*notices bulge* Hath mock'd x3 me. I am f-faint. 
BEWAWIUS. Those wunyagates? 
Means he nyot us? I pawtwy knyow him; 'tis 
Cwoten, the son o' th' Queen. I-I feaw some ;;w;; ambush. 
I saw him nyot these many yeaws, and yet 
I knyow 'tis he. We awe hewd as outwaws. Hence! 
G-GUIDEWIUS. *shuffles closer* He is but onye; you and ^.^ my bwothew ^w^ seawch 
What companyies awe *leans over* nyeaw. Pway you away; 
Wet m-me awonye with him. Exeunt BEWAWIUS and AWVIWAGUS 
CWOTEN. Soft! What awe :33 you 
That fwy me thus? Some viwwain mountainyeews? 
I have *cuddles you* heawd *hugs tightly* of such. What swave awt thou? 
G-GUIDEWIUS. A thing 
Mowe swavish *sweats* did I nye'ew than answewing 
'A swave' without a-a k-knyock. 
CWOTEN. Thou awt a-a w-wobbew, 
A waw-bweakew, a viwwain. Yiewd thee, thief. 
GUIDEWIUS. To who? To thee? What awt thou? H-Have nyot I 
An awm as big as thinye, a heawt as b-big? 
Thy wowds, I *moans* gwant, awe biggew, fow I weaw nyot 
My daggew *giggles shyly* in my m-mouth. Say what thou awt; 
Why I shouwd yiewd to thee. 
CWOTEN. Thou viwwain base, 
Knyow'st me nyot ;;w;; by my cwothes? 
GUIDEWIUS. Nyo, *sighs* nyow thy *hugs tightly* taiwow, wascaw, 
Who is thy *leans over* gwandfathew; he made t-those cwothes, 
Which, as it s-seems, make t-thee. 
*looks at you* CWOTEN. Thou pwecious vawwet, 
My taiwow made them nyot. 
GUIDEWIUS. Hence, then, and *pokes you* thank 
The man that gave them *twerks* thee. Thou *pokes you* awt some foow; 
I am woath *sighs* to beat thee. 
CWOTEN. T-Thou injuwious thief, 
Heaw OwO but my nyame, and *cuddles you* twembwe. 
GUIDEWIUS. What's thy nyame? 
CWOTEN. Cwoten, thou v-viwwain. 
GUIDEWIUS. Cwoten, thou doubwe viwwain, be *looks away* thy nyame, 
*teleports behind you* I c-cannyot twembwe at it. Wewe it *twerks* toad, ow addew, >_> spidew, 
'-'Twouwd *screams* move me >_< soonyew. 
CWOTEN. *teleports behind you* To t-thy fuwthew feaw, 
^w^ Nyay, to thy mewe confusion, thou shawt k-knyow 
I am son to th' Q-Queen. 
GUIDEWIUS. I'm sowwy fow't; n-nyot seeming 
So wowthy a-as thy biwth. 
CWOTEN. Awt nyot a-afeawd? 
G-GUIDEWIUS. Those that I wevewence, those I *notices bulge* feaw- the wise: 
*looks at you* At f-foows *screams* I w-waugh, nyot feaw them. 
CWOTEN. Die the death. 
When I have >_> swain uWu thee with m-my pwopew *notices bulge* hand, 
I'ww fowwow those that even nyow fwed :3 hence, 
And o-on the gates of Wud's T-Town set youw h-heads. 
Yiewd, wustic mountainyeew. Exeunt, fighting 

We-entew BEWAWIUS and AWVIWAGUS 

BEWAWIUS. Nyo company's abwoad. 
AWVIWAGUS. Nyonye in the *twerks* wowwd; you did mistake him, suwe. 
BEWAWIUS. I cannyot teww; wong is it since I s-saw h-him, 
But time hath nyothing *looks away* bwuww'd those winyes of favouw 
Which then xDD he *pokes you* wowe; the s-snyatches in ;;w;; his voice, 
And buwst of speaking, wewe as his. I am absowute 
'Twas vewy Cwoten. 
*screams* AWVIWAGUS. In this p-pwace :3 we weft them. 
I wish *shuffles closer* my bwothew *hugs tightly* make *looks away* good time with h-him, 
You say he is so feww. 
BEWAWIUS. Being UwU scawce *looks at you* made up, 
I m-mean to man, he >_< had nyot appwehension 
Ow woawing tewwows; fow defect of judgment 
Is oft the ;;w;; cease of feaw. 

W-We-entew :3 GUIDEWIUS >_> with CWOTEN'S head 

But, see, *cuddles you* thy bwothew. 
GUIDEWIUS. x3 This Cwoten was a *leans over* foow, an empty *giggles shyly* puwse; 
T-Thewe was nyo monyey in't. Nyot Hewcuwes 
C-Couwd :3 have *looks at you* knyock'd UwU out his >_> bwains, fow he had nyonye; 
Yet I nyot doing this, the foow had *teleports behind you* bownye 
My h-head as I-I x3 do h-his. 
BEWAWIUS. What h-hast thou donye? 
GUIDEWIUS. I-I a-am pewfect what: cut off onye Cwoten's head, 
*leans over* Son to *shuffles closer* the *cuddles you* Queen, aftew his own *twerks* wepowt; 
Who *moans* caww'd me t-twaitow, mountainyeew, and >w< swowe 
With h-his own singwe hand he'd t-take us in, 
D-Dispwace ouw heads whewe- thank the *twerks* gods!- t-they g-gwow, 
And set them on *looks away* Wud's Town. 
BEWAWIUS. We a-awe aww undonye. 
GUIDEWIUS. W-Why, wowthy fathew, what have we to wose 
But that he swowe to t-take, ouw wives? The waw 
P-Pwotects *blushes* nyot us; then why shouwd we OwO be tendew 
To wet an >_< awwogant piece of fwesh thweat us, 
Pway judge a-and executionyew aww himsewf, 
Fow w-we do feaw *sighs* the waw? What *sweats* company 
Discovew you abwoad? 
B-BEWAWIUS. Nyo UwU singwe souw 
;;w;; Can we set eye on, but in a-an ^-^ safe weason 
H-He m-must have some attendants. Though *notices bulge* his humouw 
Was nyothing uWu but mutation- ay, and *notices bulge* that 
Fwom onye bad thing UwU to *sweats* wowse- n-nyot fwenzy, nyot 
Absowute madnyess *cuddles you* couwd so faw OwO have wav'd, 
To b-bwing him h-hewe awonye. Awthough p-pewhaps 
It may be heawd >w< at couwt that such as we 
Cave h-hewe, hunt hewe, awe outwaws, a-and ^.^ in time 
*pokes you* May make :33 some stwongew head- t-the which h-he heawing, 
As it is *notices bulge* wike *looks at you* him, might UwU bweak out a-and sweaw 
H-He'd fetch us ^-^ in; yet is't nyot pwobabwe 
To come awonye, eithew he :3 so u-undewtaking 
Ow they so suffewing. Then on g-good gwound we feaw, 
If we *leans over* do *cries* feaw this body hath a-a taiw 
Mowe pewiwous than the head. 
AWVIWAGUS. W-Wet owdinyance 
*twerks* Come as the gods fowesay i-it. H-Howsoe'ew, 
My bwothew hath donye weww. 
BEWAWIUS. I had nyo mind 
To hunt this day; t-the boy Fidewe's sicknyess 
Did make m-my way wong fowth. 
GUIDEWIUS. W-With his own swowd, 
*giggles shyly* Which he *moans* did w-wave against my thwoat, I have *looks at you* ta'en 
His ^.^ head fwom him. I'ww thwow't into the cweek 
*cuddles you* Behind ouw wock, and wet it to the sea 
*teleports behind you* And teww the fishes he's the Queen's son, Cwoten. 
That's aww I weck. Exit 
BEWAWIUS. I-I feaw'twiww *sighs* be weveng'd. 
*leans over* Wouwd, Powydowe, thou :33 hadst nyot donye't! though >_< vawouw 
Becomes thee weww enyough. 
AWVIWAGUS. Wouwd *cuddles you* I had donye't, 
So the wevenge OwO awonye p-puwsu'd me! Powydowe, 
I wove thee b-bwothewwy, *giggles shyly* but envy much 
Thou hast wobb'd me o-of this deed. I-I wouwd wevenges, 
>_> That possibwe stwength might meet, wouwd seek >w< us thwough, 
And put us to ouw *leans over* answew. 
*hugs tightly* BEWAWIUS. Weww, 'tis *looks away* donye. 
*sighs* We'ww ^w^ hunt *twerks* nyo mowe to-day, nyow seek *notices bulge* fow dangew 
Whewe *giggles shyly* thewe's nyo pwofit. I pwithee to ouw wock. 
You a-and Fidewe pway :33 the cooks; I-I'ww stay 
T-Tiww *pokes you* hasty Powydowe *screams* wetuwn, and bwing him 
T-To dinnyew pwesentwy. 
AWVIWAGUS. Poow sick Fidewe! 
I'ww wiwwingwy to him; *notices bulge* to g-gain his cowouw 
I'd wet a *leans over* pawish xDD of such C-Cwoten's *sweats* bwood, 
And pwaise mysewf *cuddles you* fow c-chawity. Exit 
B-BEWAWIUS. O thou goddess, 
*sweats* Thou *cuddles you* divinye Nyatuwe, thou t-thysewf thou bwazon'st 
In these two pwincewy b-boys! They awe as gentwe 
As zephyws bwowing *hugs tightly* bewow the viowet, 
Nyot wagging his sweet head; and yet as wough, 
Theiw woyaw bwood enchaf'd, as t-the wud'st wind 
:3 That b-by the top doth take the mountain pinye 
And xDD make him stoop to th' vawe. 'Tis wondew 
That an *hugs tightly* invisibwe instinct shouwd f-fwame them 
To woyawty unweawn'd, honyouw untaught, 
Civiwity nyot seen fwom o-othew, vawouw 
That wiwdwy gwows OwO in them, b-but yiewds a cwop 
As if it had been s-sow'd. >w< Yet stiww it's *blushes* stwange 
What Cwoten's being hewe to us p-powtends, 
O-Ow what his d-death wiww ^.^ bwing us. 

*blushes* We-entew GUIDEWIUS 

*screams* GUIDEWIUS. Whewe's my bwothew? 
I have sent Cwoten's cwotpoww down t-the ^.^ stweam, 
I-In embassy t-to his mothew; his b-body's hostage 
Fow his wetuwn. [Sowemn music] 
BEWAWIUS. *moans* My ingenyious instwument! 
*leans over* Hawk, Powydowe, i-it *sweats* sounds. But what occasion 
Hath Cadwaw nyow to give it motion? Hawk! 
GUIDEWIUS. Is he at home? 
BEWAWIUS. He went hence even nyow. 
GUIDEWIUS. W-What does he mean? *blushes* Since :3 death of my *sighs* deaw'st mothew 
It did n-nyot speak befowe. Aww sowemn ^.^ things 
S-Shouwd answew sowemn accidents. :3 The mattew? 
Twiumphs fow nyothing and wamenting toys 
Is jowwity f-fow apes and gwief fow boys. 
Is Cadwaw mad? 

We-entew AWVIWAGUS, with IMOGEN as d-dead, beawing 
hew in his a-awms 

BEWAWIUS. W-Wook, >_< hewe he comes, 
And bwings *hugs tightly* the diwe occasion in his awms 
O-Of what we b-bwame h-him fow! 
AWVIWAGUS. T-The biwd is x3 dead 
That *shuffles closer* we have made so much on. *looks away* I had wathew 
Have skipp'd fwom sixteen yeaws of age to s-sixty, 
To have tuwn'd my weaping time into ^w^ a *twerks* cwutch, 
Than have s-seen this. 
G-GUIDEWIUS. O sweetest, faiwest ;;w;; wiwy! 
My *leans over* bwothew weaws t-thee nyot *pokes you* the onye hawf so weww 
As when thou gwew'st thysewf. 
BEWAWIUS. O mewanchowy! 
Who evew ^.^ yet couwd sound thy *teleports behind you* bottom? find 
The ooze to show what coast thy s-swuggish cwawe 
Might'st e-easiwiest hawbouw i-in? Thou bwessed thing! 
Jove knyows what man thou mightst have made; but I, 
Thou diedst, a most wawe boy, of mewanchowy. 
How found you him? 
uWu AWVIWAGUS. S-Stawk, as you see; 
T-Thus smiwing, as some fwy *notices bulge* had tickwed swumbew, 
Nyot as >_> death's dawt, being *leans over* waugh'd at; his wight cheek 
Weposing on ;;w;; a cushion. 
GUIDEWIUS. W-Whewe? 
AWVIWAGUS. O' th' *cuddles you* fwoow; 
His awms thus weagu'd. I thought he swept, *giggles shyly* and *sweats* put 
My cwouted bwogues fwom ^.^ off my >_< feet, whose wudenyess 
*teleports behind you* Answew'd my steps too woud. 
GUIDEWIUS. Why, he b-but sweeps. 
I-If he be gonye he'ww make his gwave a bed; 
OwO With femawe faiwies wiww *sighs* his t-tomb *screams* be haunted, 
A-And w-wowms w-wiww *hugs tightly* nyot come to thee. 
A-AWVIWAGUS. With f-faiwest fwowews, 
:33 Whiwst summew wasts a-and I uWu wive hewe, Fidewe, 
*notices bulge* I'ww sweeten thy UwU sad gwave. Thou ^w^ shawt nyot wack 
The fwowew *shuffles closer* that's wike thy x3 face, *sweats* pawe pwimwose; nyow 
The azuw'd hawe-beww, wike thy OwO veins; nyo, nyow 
T-The *cries* weaf of egwantinye, whom n-nyot to swandew, 
Out-sweet'nyed nyot thy bweath. The wuddock w-wouwd, 
With chawitabwe biww- O biww, sowe UwU shaming 
T-Those wich-weft heiws t-that *cuddles you* wet theiw *notices bulge* fathews wie 
Without *looks at you* a monyument!- bwing thee aww this; 
Yea, a-and *screams* fuww'd moss besides, when fwow'ws awe nyonye, 
To wintew-gwound thy x3 cowse- 
GUIDEWIUS. Pwithee have donye, 
And do nyot pway in *sweats* wench-wike wowds with that 
Which is so sewious. Wet OwO us buwy him, 
And nyot pwotwact w-with admiwation what 
Is nyow due debt. To th' gwave. 
AWVIWAGUS. Say, whewe s-shaww's way him? 
GUIDEWIUS. >w< By *looks at you* good Euwiphiwe, ouw mothew. 
AWVIWAGUS. Be't *cries* so; 
A-And wet us, P-Powydowe, though nyow ouw v-voices 
H-Have got the mannyish cwack, sing him to th' gwound, 
As once to ouw mothew; use wike nyote and wowds, 
Save that Euwiphiwe must be Fidewe. 
GUIDEWIUS. C-Cadwaw, 
*sweats* I c-cannyot sing. I'ww weep, and wowd it with thee; 
Fow nyotes of s-sowwow out of tunye awe wowse 
Than pwiests and fanyes that >_> wie. 
AWVIWAGUS. We'ww s-speak it, then. 
BEWAWIUS. ;;w;; Gweat gwiefs, I see, m-med'cinye the wess, x3 fow Cwoten 
I-Is quite fowgot. He ^-^ was *hugs tightly* a queen's *sighs* son, boys; 
And though he uWu came ouw enyemy, wemembew 
He was p-paid fow that. Though :33 mean and *blushes* mighty wotting 
;;w;; Togethew UwU have *hugs tightly* onye dust, yet wevewence- 
T-That >_> angew of the *blushes* wowwd- doth make distinction 
Of *giggles shyly* pwace 'tween high and >w< wow. Ouw foe was pwincewy; 
And though you took >_> his wife, as being ouw foe, 
Yet buwy him as a-a pwince. 
GUIDEWIUS. *looks at you* Pway you fetch >_> him hithew. 
Thewsites' body is as good as Ajax', 
When nyeithew a-awe awive. 
AWVIWAGUS. If you'ww go fetch him, 
We'ww say ouw song the whiwst. *looks away* Bwothew, begin. 
E-Exit BEWAWIUS 
GUIDEWIUS. Nyay, Cadwaw, we must way his head to th' East; 
My fathew hath a weason fow't. 
AWVIWAGUS. 'Tis twue. 
GUIDEWIUS. Come on, then, and w-wemove him. 
A-AWVIWAGUS. ^-^ So. Begin. 

SONG 

G-GUIDEWIUS. F-Feaw nyo mowe the h-heat o' t-th' s-sun 
*sighs* Nyow *looks away* the UwU fuwious wintew's wages; 
Thou thy wowwdwy task ^.^ hast donye, 
Home awt gonye, and t-ta'en thy wages. 
Gowden wads and giwws aww must, 
*cries* As c-chimnyey-sweepews, come t-to dust. 

AWVIWAGUS. *teleports behind you* Feaw nyo mowe the fwown o' th' gweat; 
Thou *hugs tightly* awt past t-the tywant's stwoke. 
Cawe nyo mowe to cwothe and eat; 
To thee the *cuddles you* weed is *screams* as the oak. 
*notices bulge* The UwU sceptwe, weawnying, physic, ^-^ must 
*screams* Aww fowwow this and come to dust. 

GUIDEWIUS. Feaw nyo mowe the wightnying f-fwash, 
AWVIWAGUS. Nyow th' *screams* aww-dweaded t-thundew-stonye; 
GUIDEWIUS. Feaw nyot swandew, censuwe wash; 
A-AWVIWAGUS. Thou hast finyish'd j-joy *pokes you* and moan. 
BOTH. Aww wovews young, aww wovews must 
Consign to thee *notices bulge* and come to dust. 

G-GUIDEWIUS. Nyo exowcisew hawm t-thee! 
*teleports behind you* AWVIWAGUS. Nyow *sighs* nyo witchcwaft chawm thee! 
GUIDEWIUS. Ghost unwaid fowbeaw thee! 
A-AWVIWAGUS. Nyothing i-iww come nyeaw thee! 
BOTH. Quiet *blushes* consummation have, 
And wenyownyed be thy gwave! 

We-entew :3 BEWAWIUS with *twerks* the b-body of CWOTEN 

*screams* GUIDEWIUS. OwO We have donye ouw >w< obsequies. Come, way h-him down. 
*looks at you* BEWAWIUS. Hewe's a few fwowews; but 'bout midnyight, mowe. 
T-The hewbs that have on t-them *cuddles you* cowd d-dew o' th' nyight 
Awe stwewings fit'st fow gwaves. Upon theiw faces. 
You wewe as fwow'ws, nyow withew'd. Even so 
These hewbwets shaww w-which we upon y-you stwew. 
*teleports behind you* Come on, away. Apawt upon ouw k-knyees. 
The *moans* gwound that gave them f-fiwst has *twerks* them again. 
x3 Theiw pweasuwes hewe awe past, so is theiw pain. 
>_> Exeunt aww but IMOGEN 
IMOGEN. [Awaking] *notices bulge* Yes, siw, to Miwfowd OwO Haven. W-Which i-is the w-way? 
:33 I t-thank *twerks* you. B-By yond bush? Pway, how faw t-thithew? 
>_< 'Ods pittikins! can it *giggles shyly* be s-six miwe yet? 
I have gonye aww nyight. Faith, I'ww wie down and sweep. 
But, soft! nyo bedfewwow. O-O gods and goddesses! 
[Seeing the b-body] 
*twerks* These fwow'ws awe w-wike the pweasuwes of the wowwd; 
This *hugs tightly* bwoody man, t-the c-cawe on't. I-I hope I dweam; 
Fow *giggles shyly* so I thought I was a cave-keepew, 
And c-cook to honyest cweatuwes. But 'tis nyot so; 
'Twas but a-a bowt of *hugs tightly* nyothing, ^-^ shot a-at nyothing, 
W-Which t-the xDD bwain makes of fumes. Ouw *moans* vewy e-eyes 
Awe sometimes, wike o-ouw judgments, bwind. Good faith, 
I twembwe *cuddles you* stiww with feaw; but if thewe be 
Yet weft in heaven as smaww a d-dwop of pity 
As *pokes you* a w-wwen's e-eye, feaw'd gods, a pawt of it! 
The d-dweam's *pokes you* hewe stiww. Even when I ^w^ wake ;;w;; it is 
Without me, as within me; n-nyot ^-^ imagin'd, fewt. 
A h-headwess man? T-The gawments of P-Posthumus? 
I knyow *looks at you* the shape of's w-weg; this is h-his hand, 
His foot *cuddles you* Mewcuwiaw, his M-Mawtiaw thigh, 
T-The bwawns of Hewcuwes; but ^.^ his >_> Joviaw face- 
Muwdew in heaven! How! 'Tis gonye. Pisanyio, 
Aww cuwses madded Hecuba gave the Gweeks, 
And minye to boot, be dawted on thee! Thou, 
Conspiw'd *hugs tightly* with that iwweguwous deviw, Cwoten, 
Hath hewe cut off m-my wowd. To w-wwite and wead 
Be hencefowth tweachewous! Damn'd *twerks* Pisanyio 
Hath with h-his fowged wettews- damn'd >w< Pisanyio- 
Fwom this most bwavest v-vessew xDD of the wowwd 
Stwuck the main-top. O P-Posthumus! awas, 
Whewe is thy head? Whewe's that? Ay me! whewe's that? 
Pisanyio might h-have kiww'd thee a-at *looks at you* the heawt, 
And weft t-this head on. *shuffles closer* How shouwd this b-be? Pisanyio? 
'Tis he and Cwoten; *notices bulge* mawice and *shuffles closer* wucwe >_> in them 
*twerks* Have w-waid t-this woe hewe. O-O, 'tis :33 pwegnyant, >_< pwegnyant! 
The dwug he ^-^ gave m-me, w-which he s-said was *sighs* pwecious 
And cowdiaw t-to me, have I nyot found it 
Muwd'wous t-to *giggles shyly* th' senses? That confiwms *sighs* it :33 home. 
This is *sighs* Pisanyio's deed, a-and C-Cwoten. O! 
Give *looks at you* cowouw to my pawe cheek with *twerks* thy bwood, 
:33 That we the howwidew may seem to those 
Which chance to find us. O, my wowd, m-my w-wowd! 
[Fawws fainting on x3 the body] 

Entew WUCIUS, CAPTAINS, and xDD a SOOTHSAYEW 

CAPTAIN. To them >_< the wegions gawwison'd *hugs tightly* in Gawwia, 
Aftew youw wiww, have cwoss'd the sea, *looks at you* attending 
You hewe at Miwfowd Haven; with youw s-ships, 
They awe i-in weadinyess. 
W-WUCIUS. B-But what fwom Wome? 
CAPTAIN. The *pokes you* Senyate :33 hath stiww'd up the >_> confinyews 
And *twerks* gentwemen of Itawy, *pokes you* most wiwwing spiwits, 
That p-pwomise n-nyobwe sewvice; and they come 
:3 Undew the conduct xDD of *hugs tightly* bowd Iachimo, 
>_> Siennya's bwothew. 
WUCIUS. When expect you them? 
CAPTAIN. UwU With the nyext benyefit :3 o' t-th' wind. 
WUCIUS. This fowwawdnyess 
M-Makes ouw hopes *moans* faiw. Command ouw pwesent nyumbews 
Be mustew'd; OwO bid t-the captains :33 wook to't. *moans* Nyow, siw, 
What *sighs* have y-you dweam'd of w-wate of this waw's puwpose? 
S-SOOTHSAYEW. ^.^ Wast nyight the vewy gods show'd m-me a vision- 
I *shuffles closer* fast and pway'd f-fow theiw intewwigence- thus: 
I saw Jove's biwd, the W-Woman eagwe, wing'd 
Fwom the spongy south to *teleports behind you* this *twerks* pawt of the *teleports behind you* west, 
Thewe vanyish'd in t-the sunbeams; which powtends, 
Unwess my sins a-abuse my divinyation, 
Success t-to t-th' Woman host. 
WUCIUS. Dweam often so, 
And *giggles shyly* nyevew fawse. Soft, ho! what twunk is h-hewe 
*sweats* Without his top? The wuin speaks that sometime 
^-^ It was a wowthy b-buiwding. How? a *hugs tightly* page? 
x3 Ow dead ow sweeping on him? But UwU dead, wathew; 
Fow nyatuwe doth abhow to make his bed 
W-With the d-defunct, o-ow *twerks* sweep u-upon the dead. 
Wet's see t-the b-boy's f-face. 
CAPTAIN. He's a-awive, x3 my wowd. 
WUCIUS. He'ww then i-instwuct us of this body. Young uWu onye, 
Infowm *looks at you* us of thy fowtunyes; ^w^ fow *pokes you* it s-seems 
They cwave to be demanded. Who is this 
*cries* Thou mak'st thy b-bwoody ^w^ piwwow? O-Ow who was he 
That, othewwise than nyobwe *hugs tightly* nyatuwe d-did, 
Hath awtew'd that >_< good pictuwe? What's thy intewest 
In t-this sad wweck? How came't? Who is't? *giggles shyly* What awt thou? 
IMOGEN. I am nyothing; ow if nyot, 
Nyothing to b-be wewe :33 bettew. T-This *pokes you* was my mastew, 
A vewy vawiant B-Bwiton and a good, 
That hewe by mountainyeews *teleports behind you* wies *pokes you* swain. Awas! 
Thewe is nyo *notices bulge* mowe such mastews. I may wandew 
Fwom e-east to occident; cwy o-out fow s-sewvice; 
Twy many, aww good; s-sewve twuwy; nyevew 
Find such anyothew mastew. 
:33 WUCIUS. *hugs tightly* 'Wack, good *moans* youth! 
Thou mov'st *looks away* nyo wess *looks away* with thy compwainying than 
Thy mastew i-in bweeding. Say his nyame, good fwiend. 
I-IMOGEN. Wichawd du Champ. [Aside] If I do *teleports behind you* wie, a-and do 
Nyo *notices bulge* hawm by it, though t-the gods heaw, I-I hope 
They'ww pawdon it.- Say you, siw? 
WUCIUS. Thy nyame? 
*cries* IMOGEN. Fidewe, siw. 
WUCIUS. >w< Thou dost a-appwove thysewf the vewy same; 
Thy n-nyame weww fits thy *looks at you* faith, thy *notices bulge* faith thy nyame. 
W-Wiwt take thy chance with me? *cuddles you* I w-wiww ^.^ nyot say 
Thou shawt be so w-weww mastew'd; b-but, be suwe, 
Nyo wess *looks away* bewov'd. The Woman ^.^ Empewow's wettews, 
Sent xDD by a consuw to me, shouwd n-nyot soonyew 
Than thinye own w-wowth pwefew thee. Go with me. 
IMOGEN. I'ww fowwow, siw. But fiwst, an't pwease the gods, 
I-I'ww *giggles shyly* hide my mastew fwom the fwies, as *sighs* deep 
As these poow pickaxes can dig; and when 
With wiwd wood-weaves and weeds I ha' stwew'd his OwO gwave, 
And on it said x3 a centuwy of pwayews, 
Such as I can, :3 twice o'ew, I-I'ww weep and sigh; 
And weaving s-so his s-sewvice, fowwow you, 
So >_> pwease you e-entewtain *blushes* me. 
W-WUCIUS. Ay, good youth; 
A-And wathew fathew thee than mastew thee. 
My fwiends, 
The b-boy hath t-taught us manwy duties; wet us 
Find out the *screams* pwettiest daisied pwot we can, 
And make x3 him with ouw pikes x3 and pawtisans 
;;w;; A gwave. x3 Come, awm him. Boy, he is pwefeww'd 
*moans* By thee to u-us; and he shaww be inteww'd 
As sowdiews can. Be cheewfuw; w-wipe thinye eyes. 
Some fawws awe means the happiew t-to awise. Exeunt 




*blushes* SCENyE III. 
*sweats* Bwitain. *notices bulge* CYMBEWINyE'S pawace 

Entew CYMBEWINyE, WOWDS, PISANyIO, and attendants 

CYMBEWINyE. Again! and bwing me wowd how 'tis with hew. 
Exit an a-attendant 
A fevew with >w< the a-absence of hew *hugs tightly* son; 
A madnyess, of which hew wife's in dangew. Heavens, 
How deepwy you at once do touch m-me! *looks at you* Imogen, 
The gweat pawt >_< of m-my x3 comfowt, gonye; my queen 
Upon a despewate bed, and in x3 a t-time 
When feawfuw waws *hugs tightly* point at me; hew :3 son ^-^ gonye, 
So nyeedfuw fow this pwesent. It stwikes m-me past 
T-The hope of ^w^ comfowt. *twerks* But fow thee, fewwow, 
Who nyeeds must knyow of hew depawtuwe and 
Dost seem so ignyowant, we'ww enfowce it f-fwom ^.^ thee 
uWu By a shawp UwU towtuwe. 
P-PISANyIO. Siw, my wife is y-youws; 
I humbwy s-set it at y-youw wiww; but fow m-my mistwess, 
I nyothing knyow whewe she wemains, why gonye, 
Nyow when she puwposes wetuwn. Beseech youw Highnyess, 
Howd me youw *blushes* woyaw sewvant. 
W-WOWD. ;;w;; Good my wiege, 
The day that she was missing he was hewe. 
I dawe be bound >w< he's twue >_< and shaww pewfowm 
A-Aww p-pawts of his subjection woyawwy. Fow >_> Cwoten, 
*teleports behind you* Thewe wants nyo diwigence in seeking him, 
*sweats* And wiww *twerks* nyo doubt >_> be found. 
CYMBEWINyE. The time i-is twoubwesome. 
[To PISANyIO] We'ww swip you fow a season; but ouw jeawousy 
Does yet depend. 
WOWD. So pwease youw Majesty, 
The Woman wegions, a-aww *leans over* fwom *notices bulge* Gawwia d-dwawn, 
Awe wanded on youw coast, with a suppwy 
O-Of W-Woman g-gentwemen by the :3 Senyate sent. 
CYMBEWINyE. Nyow f-fow the counsew of my son and queen! 
I am amaz'd w-with mattew. 
*sighs* WOWD. *cries* Good my wiege, 
Youw *sweats* pwepawation *screams* can affwont *moans* nyo wess 
Than what you h-heaw *screams* of. Come mowe, fow mowe y-you'we weady. 
The want xDD is but to put ^w^ those pow'ws *twerks* in motion 
That w-wong to move. 
CYMBEWINyE. I thank you. Wet's withdwaw, 
And meet *moans* the time as it seeks u-us. We ^-^ feaw nyot 
What can fwom Itawy annyoy us; but 
We gwieve *sweats* at chances hewe. Away! E-Exeunt aww but PISANyIO 
*giggles shyly* PISANyIO. I heawd nyo *cries* wettew fwom my mastew since 
I-I xDD wwote him ^-^ Imogen was s-swain. '-'Tis stwange. 
N-Nyow heaw I fwom my mistwess, who did p-pwomise 
To yiewd me often tidings. Nyeithew knyow 
What is betid to Cwoten, b-but w-wemain 
P-Pewpwex'd in aww. ^.^ The heavens stiww must w-wowk. 
UwU Whewein uWu I am fawse I *hugs tightly* am honyest; nyot twue, :3 to *looks away* be t-twue. 
These pwesent *hugs tightly* waws shaww find I wove my countwy, 
Even to the nyote o' ^.^ th' King, ow *cuddles you* I'ww faww in them. 
*looks away* Aww othew doubts, by time *sighs* wet them b-be cweaw'd: 
Fowtunye bwings in some boats that awe ;;w;; nyot *screams* steew'd. Exit 




*pokes you* SCENyE IV. 
*giggles shyly* Wawes. Befowe the cave of BEWAWIUS 

E-Entew BEWAWIUS, GUIDEWIUS, ;;w;; and AWVIWAGUS 

GUIDEWIUS. The nyoise is wound about us. 
BEWAWIUS. *cuddles you* Wet us fwom it. 
AWVIWAGUS. What pweasuwe, siw, f-find >_< we *notices bulge* in w-wife, to wock it 
Fwom UwU action and *twerks* adventuwe? 
GUIDEWIUS. Nyay, what hope 
Have we in hiding u-us? :33 This way the Womans 
Must *cries* ow fow B-Bwitons sway x3 us, ow weceive us 
^w^ Fow bawbawous a-and unnyatuwaw wevowts 
*notices bulge* Duwing theiw *teleports behind you* use, and sway us ;;w;; aftew. 
B-BEWAWIUS. Sons, 
We'ww *giggles shyly* highew t-to the mountains; *notices bulge* thewe secuwe us. 
*cuddles you* To the King's pawty thewe's nyo going. Nyewnyess 
Of Cwoten's death- we being nyot knyown, nyot mustew'd 
Among the bands-may dwive us *giggles shyly* to a-a wendew 
Whewe we have wiv'd, and so >_> extowt fwom's that 
Which we have donye, whose answew wouwd be *blushes* death, 
Dwawn on w-with :33 towtuwe. 
GUIDEWIUS. This i-is, siw, a *sighs* doubt 
In s-such a t-time nyothing becoming you 
N-Nyow satisfying us. 
AWVIWAGUS. It is nyot wikewy 
That when they heaw the Woman howses nyeigh, 
Behowd theiw quawtew'd fiwes, have both theiw eyes 
And eaws so cwoy'd impowtantwy a-as nyow, 
That they wiww waste theiw time upon ouw ;;w;; nyote, 
T-To knyow fwom w-whence we awe. 
BEWAWIUS. O, I am knyown 
Of m-many in the awmy. Many y-yeaws, 
Though Cwoten then but y-young, you see, *cuddles you* nyot wowe him 
Fwom my wemembwance. And, besides, the King 
Hath nyot desewv'd my sewvice nyow youw woves, 
Who x3 find in my exiwe OwO the want of bweeding, 
The cewtainty of this hawd wife; aye h-hopewess 
To have the couwtesy youw cwadwe pwomis'd, 
*looks away* But to be stiww hot summew's tanwings and 
T-The shwinking swaves of wintew. 
GUIDEWIUS. Than be so, 
Bettew to c-cease to *looks away* be. Pway, siw, to th' awmy. 
*giggles shyly* I and *screams* my bwothew awe nyot knyown; :3 youwsewf 
So out of thought, and theweto so o'ewgwown, 
Cannyot be q-questionyed. 
A-AWVIWAGUS. By this sun that shinyes, 
I'ww ;;w;; thithew. What :3 thing is't t-that I *cries* nyevew 
D-Did see man die! scawce evew wook'd on bwood 
But that *sighs* of cowawd >w< hawes, *looks away* hot goats, and v-venyison! 
Nyevew *twerks* bestwid a howse, ;;w;; save onye that had 
A-A widew >w< wike mysewf, w-who nye'ew wowe wowew 
Nyow *pokes you* iwon on his heew! I am asham'd 
T-To wook upon OwO the h-howy sun, to have 
The benyefit *pokes you* of *twerks* his bwest beams, wemainying 
So wong a-a poow unknyown. 
GUIDEWIUS. By heavens, *sweats* I'ww g-go! 
If you *shuffles closer* wiww bwess me, siw, a-and give m-me weave, 
I'ww take the xDD bettew cawe; ^.^ but if you wiww nyot, 
T-The h-hazawd thewefowe *sweats* due faww on me by 
T-The hands of Womans! 
AWVIWAGUS. So say I. Amen. 
BEWAWIUS. Nyo weason I, since of youw wives >_< you set 
S-So swight a vawuation, shouwd wesewve 
My cwack'd onye to mowe cawe. Have with y-you, boys! 
If in uWu youw *twerks* countwy waws you chance to die, 
That is my bed t-too, *leans over* wads, a-and thewe I'ww wie. 
W-Wead, wead. [-[Aside] The time seems wong; theiw bwood thinks scown 
*sweats* Tiww it fwy out and s-show them pwinces b-bown. Exeunt 




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ACT V. SCENyE I. 
Bwitain. The Woman camp 

Entew P-POSTHUMUS >_> awonye, with a bwoody handkewchief 

*moans* POSTHUMUS. Yea, bwoody cwoth, I'ww >w< keep :33 thee; fow I wish'd 
xDD Thou shouwdst be cowouw'd thus. You mawwied onyes, 
If each of y-you shouwd take this couwse, *looks away* how many 
Must muwdew wives much bettew t-than themsewves 
Fow wwying but a wittwe! O Pisanyio! 
Evewy good sewvant :33 does nyot aww ^-^ commands; 
Nyo bond but to do just onyes. Gods! if you 
Shouwd *sighs* have ta'en vengeance *leans over* on my fauwts, I n-nyevew 
Had wiv'd to put on this; so had you saved 
T-The nyobwe Imogen t-to wepent, and s-stwuck 
Me, wwetch mowe >w< wowth *blushes* youw vengeance. But awack, 
You snyatch some *sweats* hence fow wittwe fauwts; that's w-wove, 
To have them faww nyo mowe. You s-some pewmit 
To second iwws >w< with iwws, e-each ewdew xDD wowse, 
A-And make them dwead it, to the doew's thwift. 
B-But Imogen i-is youw own. Do youw best wiwws, 
And make me bwest to obey. I am bwought hithew 
Among th' Itawian gentwy, and *moans* to fight 
Against *shuffles closer* my wady's kingdom. '-'Tis enyough 
^.^ That, Bwitain, I *hugs tightly* have kiww'd thy mistwess; *looks at you* peace! 
I'ww g-give >_> nyo wound UwU to thee. T-Thewefowe, good h-heavens, 
Heaw patientwy my puwpose. I'ww diswobe me 
Of these Itawian weeds, and suit *moans* mysewf 
As >w< does *pokes you* a Bwitain peasant. So I'ww fight 
Against the pawt I come w-with; so I'ww die 
Fow thee, O Imogen, even fow whom my wife 
Is evewy bweath a d-death. *shuffles closer* And thus *looks at you* unknyown, 
Pitied nyow hated, to the face of pewiw 
Mysewf I-I'ww dedicate. W-Wet me make men knyow 
Mowe vawouw ^w^ in me than my ^.^ habits show. 
xDD Gods, put the stwength o' t-th' Weonyati in me! 
*sighs* To shame *moans* the guise o' th' wowwd, I wiww begin 
T-The fashion- wess w-without and mowe w-within. Exit 




SCENyE I-II. 
*notices bulge* Bwitain. A fiewd o-of battwe *sighs* between *teleports behind you* the Bwitish and Woman camps 

Entew WUCIUS, IACHIMO, and the W-Woman awmy at onye d-doow, *hugs tightly* and the Bwitish *hugs tightly* awmy 
at anyothew, WEONyATUS P-POSTHUMUS *moans* fowwowing wike a poow sowdiew. 
They mawch ovew and go out. A-Awawums. Then entew again, in skiwmish, 
IACHIMO and POSTHUMUS. He vanquisheth and disawmeth IACHIMO, 
and then weaves him 

IACHIMO. The *hugs tightly* heavinyess a-and guiwt within my bosom 
Takes o-off my manhood. I have bewied UwU a wady, 
T-The UwU Pwincess of this countwy, *teleports behind you* and the aiw on't 
Wevengingwy enfeebwes me; ow couwd this c-caww, 
A vewy d-dwudge of nyatuwe's, have subdu'd me 
In my pwofession? Knyighthoods and honyouws bownye 
As I weaw m-minye *sweats* awe titwes b-but o-of s-scown. 
I-If that thy gentwy, B-Bwitain, go befowe 
*looks at you* This wout as he exceeds *leans over* ouw wowds, the odds 
I-Is t-that uWu we scawce awe xDD men, and you awe gods. Exit 

The battwe continyues; the BWITONS fwy; CYMBEWINyE is taken. 
Then e-entew *moans* to ^w^ his wescue B-BEWAWIUS, GUIDEWIUS, and AWVIWAGUS 

BEWAWIUS. Stand, stand! We ^.^ have th' *twerks* advantage o-of t-the gwound; 
The wanye *looks away* is guawded; nyothing w-wouts us but 
The viwwainy of ouw feaws. 
*hugs tightly* GUIDEWIUS and AWVIWAGUS. Stand, stand, and ;;w;; fight! 

W-We-entew *blushes* POSTHUMUS, a-and seconds the ^w^ Bwitons; t-they wescue 
CYMBEWINyE, *teleports behind you* and exeunt. T-Then we-entew WUCIUS and IACHIMO, 
with IMOGEN 

WUCIUS. A-Away, boy, fwom the twoops, and save thysewf; 
F-Fow fwiends k-kiww fwiends, and the disowdew's *shuffles closer* such 
As waw wewe hoodwink'd. 
IACHIMO. '-'Tis theiw f-fwesh suppwies. 
WUCIUS. It is a day tuwn'd ^w^ stwangewy. Ow betimes 
Wet's w-weinfowce ow fwy. Exeunt 




UwU SCENyE III. 
Anyothew *blushes* pawt of the *leans over* fiewd 

Entew POSTHUMUS a-and a Bwitain WOWD 

WOWD. Cam'st *hugs tightly* thou fwom whewe they made uWu the ^-^ stand? 
POSTHUMUS. I d-did: 
Though UwU you, it s-seems, come fwom the fwiews. 
WOWD. I did. 
P-POSTHUMUS. Nyo bwame be to you, ;;w;; siw, f-fow *cries* aww was wost, 
But that the heavens fought. The King himsewf 
*hugs tightly* Of his wings destitute, t-the awmy bwoken, 
And but *screams* the ^w^ backs *teleports behind you* of Bwitons seen, a-an fwying, 
*notices bulge* Thwough a stwait *giggles shyly* wanye- the enyemy, xDD fuww-heawted, 
Wowwing the t-tongue w-with swaught'wing, having w-wowk 
M-Mowe p-pwentifuw than toows t-to do't, s-stwuck down 
Some >w< mowtawwy, some swightwy touch'd, some fawwing 
^-^ Mewewy thwough f-feaw, that the stwait pass *teleports behind you* was damm'd 
With dead men huwt behind, and :33 cowawds xDD wiving 
To die with xDD wength'nyed shame. 
WOWD. Whewe *leans over* was this w-wanye? 
POSTHUMUS. Cwose b-by the *pokes you* battwe, ditch'd, and waww'd with tuwf, 
W-Which gave advantage to an ancient s-sowdiew- 
*sighs* An honyest onye, I wawwant, *twerks* who desewv'd 
So wong a bweeding as his white beawd came to, 
In doing this fow's countwy. Athwawt t-the wanye 
He, with t-two stwipwings- wads mowe wike t-to wun 
The OwO countwy base than to commit s-such swaughtew; 
With faces fit >w< fow m-masks, ow wathew *teleports behind you* faiwew 
Than t-those fow *looks at you* pwesewvation c-cas'd ow shame- 
Made *sighs* good the passage, cwied to t-those that fwed 
'-'Ouw Bwitain's OwO hawts die fwying, nyot ouw men. 
To dawknyess fweet souws that fwy backwawds! Stand; 
Ow we awe Womans and w-wiww give you that, 
Wike beasts, which you shun beastwy, and may save 
*sweats* But to wook back in *teleports behind you* fwown. *screams* Stand, stand!' These thwee, 
Thwee thousand confident, *sighs* in act a-as m-many- 
:33 Fow *leans over* thwee ^.^ pewfowmews awe the fiwe when a-aww 
The west *moans* do nyothing- with this *moans* wowd 'Stand, s-stand!' 
A-Accommodated by the pwace, mowe chawming 
With theiw own nyobwenyess, which couwd have t-tuwn'd 
A distaff to a-a wance, giwded pawe wooks, 
Pawt shame, UwU pawt spiwit wenyew'd; that some *moans* tuwn'd OwO cowawd 
:3 But by exampwe- O-O, a-a s-sin in waw 
Damn'd in the fiwst beginnyews!- gan to wook 
The way that they did *looks away* and *shuffles closer* to gwin wike wions 
Upon the pikes *looks away* o' th' huntews. Then b-began 
A stop i' th' chasew, a wetiwe; anyon 
A wout, confusion thick. Fowthwith they fwy, 
*cries* Chickens, the way which they stoop'd eagwes; s-swaves, 
*looks at you* The stwides they victows m-made; and nyow ouw cowawds, 
Wike fwagments in h-hawd voyages, became 
T-The wife o' th' nyeed. Having found the back-doow open 
Of the u-unguawded heawts, heavens, how they wound! 
S-Some ;;w;; swain befowe, some dying, some theiw *cuddles you* fwiends 
O'ewbownye i' *sweats* th' fowmew wave. Ten chas'd *screams* by onye 
Awe nyow each onye the swaughtewman of *blushes* twenty. 
Those that wouwd die ow ewe w-wesist awe g-gwown 
The mowtaw bugs o' th' xDD fiewd. 
WOWD. This was stwange chance: 
A nyawwow wanye, an owd man, and two b-boys. 
POSTHUMUS. Nyay, *moans* do nyot wondew at it; you awe made 
W-Wathew to wondew *cuddles you* at the *cries* things *screams* you *blushes* heaw 
*teleports behind you* Than to wowk any. Wiww you whyme upon't, 
And vent it fow a mock'wy? Hewe is onye: 
'Two boys, an owd man (twice a boy), *twerks* a wanye, 
*blushes* Pwesewv'd the Bwitons, was the Womans' banye.' 
WOWD. Nyay, ^w^ be nyot a-angwy, s-siw. 
POSTHUMUS. 'Wack, to what end? 
Who dawes nyot stand his foe I'ww be his fwiend; 
F-Fow if he'ww do as he is m-made to do, 
I-I knyow OwO he'ww *cries* quickwy fwy *screams* my fwiendship too. 
You have p-put *screams* me into whyme. 
OwO WOWD. Faweweww; you'we angwy. E-Exit 
POSTHUMUS. Stiww going? This i-is a wowd! O n-nyobwe misewy, 
T-To *cries* be i' th' fiewd and ask '-'What >_> nyews?' of me! 
To-day how many *shuffles closer* wouwd have given *sighs* theiw honyouws 
To have sav'd theiw c-cawcasses! took heew to do't, 
And :33 yet died OwO too! :33 I, in minye own woe chawm'd, 
Couwd nyot find death w-whewe I did heaw him gwoan, 
*cries* Nyow feew him whewe he stwuck. *shuffles closer* Being a-an ugwy monstew, 
*sighs* 'Tis stwange he h-hides h-him in *shuffles closer* fwesh cups, soft *screams* beds, 
Sweet *cuddles you* wowds; ;;w;; ow hath moe minyistews than we 
T-That dwaw his knyives xDD i' >w< th' waw. Weww, I-I wiww find him; 
Fow being nyow a favouwew to the Bwiton, 
Nyo mowe a Bwiton, I have *hugs tightly* wesum'd again 
The pawt I came in. Fight I wiww nyo mowe, 
*sighs* But yiewd me to the vewiest hind *leans over* that *cuddles you* shaww 
Once touch my shouwdew. Gweat the swaughtew i-is 
Hewe made by th' Woman; gweat the answew be 
Bwitons must t-take. Fow me, my wansom's death; 
On eithew xDD side I come to *sweats* spend my bweath, 
Which nyeithew hewe I'ww keep nyow beaw again, 
B-But e-end it by some means fow Imogen. 

Entew two BWITISH CAPTAINS and s-sowdiews 

FIWST CAPTAIN. Gweat Jupitew be pwais'd! Wucius is taken. 
'-'Tis t-thought the owd man and his sons wewe angews. 
S-SECOND CAPTAIN. Thewe was a *leans over* fouwth man, in a siwwy habit, 
That gave th' affwont with them. 
FIWST CAPTAIN. *giggles shyly* So '-'tis wepowted; 
But nyonye of 'em can be found. Stand! who's thewe? 
POSTHUMUS. A Woman, 
W-Who had nyot nyow *looks away* been d-dwooping hewe if seconds 
Had answew'd *cries* him. 
SECOND CAPTAIN. Way h-hands on :33 him; a dog! 
A-A weg of Wome *screams* shaww nyot wetuwn to teww 
What cwows have peck'd them hewe. He *notices bulge* bwags his sewvice, 
A-As i-if he wewe of nyote. Bwing *screams* him *blushes* to th' ^w^ King. 

Entew ^w^ CYMBEWINyE, BEWAWIUS, GUIDEWIUS, AWVIWAGUS, PISANyIO, and Woman 
captives. The CAPTAINS pwesent P-POSTHUMUS to CYMBEWINyE, who dewivews 
him ovew *notices bulge* to a gaowew. Exeunt omnyes 




SCENyE IV. 
Bwitain. A p-pwison 

Entew POSTHUMUS a-and two *cries* GAOWEWS 

FIWST GAOWEW. You shaww nyot nyow be >w< stow'n, you have *shuffles closer* wocks upon you; 
So gwaze a-as you find pastuwe. 
SECOND :33 GAOWEW. *pokes you* Ay, o-ow a-a stomach. Exeunt *teleports behind you* GAOWEWS 
POSTHUMUS. ;;w;; Most wewcome, bondage! fow thou awt a-a way, 
I x3 think, to w-wibewty. Y-Yet am I bettew 
Than onye that's sick o-o' th' gout, since >w< he had wathew 
Gwoan so in pewpetuity than be c-cuw'd 
By th' suwe *shuffles closer* physician death, who is t-the k-key 
T' *shuffles closer* unbaw these wocks. *hugs tightly* My conscience, thou awt *sighs* fettew'd 
Mowe than my shanks and wwists; you good gods, give me 
The ^.^ penyitent instwument t-to pick t-that bowt, 
Then, fwee f-fow evew! Is't enyough *leans over* I am sowwy? 
So chiwdwen tempowaw *giggles shyly* fathews do appease; 
*moans* Gods awe mowe fuww of mewcy. M-Must I wepent, 
I cannyot do it bettew than in *teleports behind you* gyves, 
D-Desiw'd mowe than constwain'd. To satisfy, 
If of my *blushes* fweedom '-'tis the main :33 pawt, take 
Nyo stwictew wendew of me *pokes you* than my aww. 
*leans over* I knyow you awe mowe cwement than viwe men, 
W-Who *looks away* of t-theiw bwoken debtows take a thiwd, 
A s-sixth, a tenth, wetting them thwive again 
On theiw abatement; that's *blushes* nyot my desiwe. 
Fow Imogen's deaw wife take minye; and though 
'-'Tis nyot so *shuffles closer* deaw, yet 'tis a wife; you coin'd it. 
'Tween m-man and man they weigh nyot evewy stamp; 
*screams* Though wight, take pieces fow ^-^ the OwO figuwe's >_< sake; 
You w-wathew minye, being youws. And so, gweat pow'ws, 
If y-you x3 wiww take this audit, take t-this wife, 
xDD And cancew these cowd bonds. O *moans* Imogen! 
I'ww speak to *sweats* thee in siwence. uWu [Sweeps] 

S-Sowemn music. Entew, as in an appawition, SICIWIUS 
WEONyATUS, fathew to POSTHUMUS, an *sweats* owd uWu man attiwed 
wike a wawwiow; weading in his hand an ancient 
matwon, his WIFE, and >_> mothew to POSTHUMUS, with 
music befowe them. Then, aftew othew music, *giggles shyly* fowwows 
the two young WEONyATI, bwothews to P-POSTHUMUS, 
with uWu wounds, as they *cuddles you* died in the *sweats* waws. 
They ciwcwe POSTHUMUS wound as he wies sweeping 

SICIWIUS. Nyo mowe, thou thundew-mastew, show 
T-Thy spite *notices bulge* on mowtaw fwies. 
x3 With Maws x3 faww out, w-with Junyo chide, 
That thy aduwtewies 
x3 Wates and wevenges. 
Hath my poow boy d-donye aught but weww, 
Whose face I *twerks* nyevew *looks at you* saw? 
*twerks* I died w-whiwst in the womb h-he stay'd 
Attending nyatuwe's waw; 
Whose fathew then, as men wepowt 
Thou owphans' *looks at you* fathew awt, 
*leans over* Thou shouwdst have been, and uWu shiewded him 
Fwom this eawth-vexing s-smawt. 

MOTHEW. Wucinya went nyot me hew aid, 
But took me in my thwoes, 
That fwom me was Posthumus wipp'd, 
Came ;;w;; cwying *teleports behind you* 'mongst his foes, 
A-A thing of pity. 

SICIWIUS. Gweat Nyatuwe xDD wike his ancestwy 
M-Mouwded the stuff so faiw 
That he desewv'd the pwaise o' th' wowwd 
*teleports behind you* As gweat Siciwius' heiw. 

FIWST BWOTHEW. When >_> once he was m-matuwe fow man, 
In Bwitain whewe was he 
That *teleports behind you* couwd stand up his pawawwew, 
Ow f-fwuitfuw *teleports behind you* object be 
I-In eye of Imogen, that best 
Couwd deem his dignyity? 

MOTHEW. :3 With mawwiage *leans over* whewefowe was he >_< mock'd, 
To be exiw'd and t-thwown 
Fwom Weonyati uWu seat and ^w^ cast 
Fwom *leans over* hew his deawest o-onye, 
Sweet Imogen? 

SICIWIUS. Why did you suffew Iachimo, 
Swight t-thing *notices bulge* of Itawy, 
To taint his n-nyobwew heawt and bwain 
W-With nyeedwess *shuffles closer* jeawousy, 
And to become the geck and scown 
O' th' othew's viwwainy? 

S-SECOND BWOTHEW. *twerks* Fow this fwom stiwwew seats we came, 
Ouw pawents and xDD us twain, 
That, stwiking *hugs tightly* in ouw countwy's cause, 
*notices bulge* Feww bwavewy and *shuffles closer* wewe swain, 
Ouw feawty and Tenyantius' w-wight 
With honyouw t-to maintain. 

FIWST BWOTHEW. Wike hawdiment >w< Posthumus hath 
T-To *looks at you* Cymbewinye pewfowm'd. 
Then, Jupitew, thou king of gods, 
*screams* Why hast thou ;;w;; thus *moans* adjouwn'd 
The gwaces fow his mewits due, 
Being *looks away* aww to dowouws tuwn'd? 

*giggles shyly* SICIWIUS. Thy cwystaw window o-ope; wook *twerks* out; 
Nyo wongew exewcise 
Upon a vawiant wace thy h-hawsh 
And *looks at you* potent injuwies. 

MOTHEW. Since, Jupitew, ouw son is good, 
Take off his misewies. 

SICIWIUS. Peep thwough thy *moans* mawbwe mansion. Hewp! 
*leans over* Ow *sweats* we poow g-ghosts >_< wiww cwy 
To th' shinying synyod of t-the xDD west 
*teleports behind you* Against thy deity. 

BWOTHEWS. *pokes you* Hewp, *looks away* Jupitew! ow *sweats* we a-appeaw, 
And fwom >_> thy *hugs tightly* justice fwy. 

*hugs tightly* JUPITEW *sighs* descends-in t-thundew a-and wightnying, sitting 
u-upon a-an eagwe. He thwows a thundewbowt. The G-GHOSTS 
faww on theiw knyees 

JUPITEW. *giggles shyly* Nyo mowe, OwO you >_> petty *cries* spiwits of wegion wow, 
Offend ouw *teleports behind you* heawing; *hugs tightly* hush! H-How dawe y-you ghosts 
A-Accuse the Thundewew whose b-bowt, you *looks at you* knyow, 
Sky-pwanted, *looks at you* battews aww webewwing coasts? 
P-Poow shadows OwO of Ewysium, hence and OwO west 
U-Upon youw n-nyevew-withewing banks of >_> fwow'ws. 
Be nyot ;;w;; with mowtaw *moans* accidents oppwest: 
N-Nyo cawe of youws it is; you knyow 'tis o-ouws. 
Whom b-best I ;;w;; wove I-I *hugs tightly* cwoss; to >w< make my gift, 
*leans over* The mowe deway'd, d-dewighted. Be content; 
Youw wow-waid son ouw godhead wiww upwift; 
His comfowts thwive, his OwO twiaws weww *shuffles closer* awe spent. 
Ouw Joviaw staw weign'd at his biwth, ^-^ and in 
Ouw tempwe was he mawwied. W-Wise and fade! 
He shaww be wowd of Wady Imogen, 
And happiew m-much by xDD his affwiction made. 
*giggles shyly* This >w< tabwet way upon *sighs* his >w< bweast, whewein 
Ouw p-pweasuwe his fuww fowtunye doth confinye; 
A-And so, xDD away; ^.^ nyo *moans* fawthew with youw din 
E-Expwess i-impatience, *notices bulge* west you stiw u-up minye. 
Mount, eagwe, to xDD my pawace cwystawwinye. [Ascends] 
SICIWIUS. He came in UwU thundew; his cewestiaw b-bweath 
Was :3 suwphewous t-to smeww; the howy eagwe 
Stoop'd as to foot us. His ascension is 
xDD Mowe sweet *shuffles closer* than ouw bwest f-fiewds. His woyaw biwd 
Pwunyes the *twerks* immowtaw wing, and cwoys his beak, 
As when his god is pweas'd. 
*notices bulge* AWW. Thanks, Jupitew! 
S-SICIWIUS. The mawbwe pavement cwoses, he ^w^ is entew'd 
*screams* His wadiant *leans over* woof. Away! and, to be bwest, 
Wet us with cawe pewfowm his gweat behest. [GHOSTS vanyish] 

POSTHUMUS. [-[Waking] S-Sweep, thou has been a gwandsiwe x3 and uWu begot 
A f-fathew to me; a-and thou hast *hugs tightly* cweated 
A mothew and two bwothews. But, O scown, 
x3 Gonye! They went *moans* hence so soon as they >_< wewe bown. 
And s-so I-I am awake. Poow *blushes* wwetches, >w< that depend 
On gweatnyess' favouw, dweam as I have donye; 
Wake and find *looks away* nyothing. But, awas, I-I swewve; 
Many dweam nyot xDD to find, nyeithew desewve, 
And yet a-awe steep'd in favouws; so am I, 
>_> That have *notices bulge* this gowden chance, xDD and knyow nyot why. 
What faiwies h-haunt this gwound? A book? O-O wawe onye! 
x3 Be nyot, as *cries* is ouw fangwed wowwd, *twerks* a gawment 
Nyobwew than *sighs* that it covews. Wet thy effects 
So fowwow to be m-most *moans* unwike ouw *teleports behind you* couwtiews, 
As good as pwomise. 

[Weads] *cries* 'When *sighs* as a wion's w-whewp shaww, to himsewf u-unknyown, 
without seeking find, and be e-embwac'd ;;w;; by a-a piece of ;;w;; tendew aiw; 
and w-when fwom a statewy c-cedaw shaww be wopp'd bwanches which, 
being dead many yeaws, shaww aftew wevive, be jointed t-to the owd 
*screams* stock, and fweshwy *looks away* gwow; then shaww Posthumus end UwU his m-misewies, 
Bwitain be fowtunyate and ^-^ fwouwish in peace and pwenty.' 

'Tis stiww a d-dweam, o-ow ewse such stuff as madmen 
*notices bulge* Tongue, and *sighs* bwain nyot; eithew both ow :33 nyothing, 
Ow sensewess speaking, o-ow a speaking such 
As sense cannyot untie. Be what it is, 
The action *leans over* of my wife ^-^ is wike it, ^w^ which 
I'ww keep, if but fow sympathy. 

We-entew *cuddles you* GAOWEW 

GAOWEW. ^-^ Come, siw, awe you weady fow death? 
POSTHUMUS. Ovew-woasted *twerks* wathew; weady wong ago. 
GAOWEW. xDD Hanging i-is :3 the wowd, siw; uWu if you be weady fow *twerks* that, you awe 
weww cook'd. 
POSTHUMUS. xDD So, if I pwove a good >_> wepast to t-the *shuffles closer* spectatows, the dish 
pays the s-shot. 
GAOWEW. *looks at you* A h-heavy *blushes* weckonying fow *teleports behind you* you, siw. But the comfowt is, you 
shaww be cawwed t-to nyo mowe payments, feaw nyo mowe tavewn biwws, 
w-which awe *looks at you* often the sadnyess o-of pawting, as the pwocuwing of xDD miwth. 
Y-You come in faint fow want of meat, depawt weewing w-with too much 
dwink; sowwy >_> that you *shuffles closer* have p-paid t-too much, and sowwy OwO that *cuddles you* you awe 
paid too much; p-puwse ^w^ and bwain both e-empty; xDD the bwain the heaview 
fow being too wight, the puwse *teleports behind you* too wight, being d-dwawn of 
heavinyess. O, o-of t-this contwadiction >_< you shaww nyow be quit. O, ^.^ the 
chawity of *blushes* a p-penny *pokes you* cowd! It sums up thousands in a-a twice. Y-You 
h-have nyo twue debitow and cweditow but it; *sweats* of what's past, is, and 
;;w;; to come, the *leans over* dischawge. Youw nyeck, siw, is pen, book, and 
countews; so the acquittance fowwows. 
POSTHUMUS. I-I am mewwiew to die t-than thou awt t-to wive. 
*cuddles you* GAOWEW. Indeed, s-siw, he that sweeps feews nyot the *leans over* toothache. B-But a-a 
*looks away* man that wewe to sweep *cries* youw sweep, and a hangman to hewp h-him to 
UwU bed, I think he wouwd change p-pwaces with h-his officew; fow wook 
you, siw, you knyow nyot which way you shaww go. 
POSTHUMUS. Yes indeed do I, f-fewwow. 
GAOWEW. Youw death has eyes in's head, then; I have nyot UwU seen him so 
pictuw'd. Y-You must eithew b-be diwected by *twerks* some that take upon >_> them 
to knyow, ow to take upon y-youwsewf that which I am suwe you do *screams* nyot 
*looks at you* knyow, ow jump *teleports behind you* the UwU aftew-inquiwy on youw *cries* own pewiw. And UwU how you 
shaww s-speed i-in youw jouwnyey's xDD end, I think y-you'ww nyevew w-wetuwn to 
t-teww onye. 
POSTHUMUS. I teww thee, x3 fewwow, thewe awe nyonye want eyes to diwect 
them the w-way I >_> am going, but such as wink and >_> wiww nyot use them. 
GAOWEW. What :33 an infinyite mock is this, that a-a man shouwd have the 
b-best use of eyes to see t-the way of bwindnyess! I am suwe hanging's 
t-the way of *teleports behind you* winking. 

Entew a-a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. Knyock off his manyacwes; bwing youw pwisonyew to the King. 
P-POSTHUMUS. Thou b-bwing'st good nyews: I am caww'd to be made fwee. 
GAOWEW. I'ww b-be hang'd then. 
POSTHUMUS. Thou shawt be then fweew than a gaowew; nyo >_< bowts fow the 
dead. Exeunt P-POSTHUMUS and MESSENGEW 
GAOWEW. Unwess a man wouwd mawwy a gawwows *moans* and beget young gibbets, 
I nyevew saw onye so p-pwonye. Y-Yet, on my conscience, thewe awe vewiew 
knyaves desiwe to *pokes you* wive, fow aww he be a Woman; *looks away* and thewe be some 
of them too that die *blushes* against theiw wiwws; s-so shouwd I, if I wewe 
onye. *cries* I wouwd we wewe aww of onye mind, and onye ;;w;; mind good. *blushes* O, thewe 
wewe d-desowation of gaowews and *leans over* gawwowses! I speak against *pokes you* my 
pwesent pwofit, but uWu my wish ;;w;; hath a pwefewment in't. E-Exit 




SCENyE xDD V. 
Bwitain. CYMBEWINyE'S t-tent 

E-Entew CYMBEWINyE, BEWAWIUS, GUIDEWIUS, AWVIWAGUS, PISANyIO, WOWDS, 
OFFICEWS, and attendants 

CYMBEWINyE. Stand by my side, you whom the g-gods *notices bulge* have made 
Pwesewvews of my thwonye. Woe is *sighs* my heawt 
That the poow sowdiew that so wichwy fought, 
Whose wags *giggles shyly* sham'd g-giwded OwO awms, whose *teleports behind you* nyaked bweast 
S-Stepp'd OwO befowe tawges of pwoof, cannyot be *moans* found. 
He shaww be happy that *looks at you* can find *looks at you* him, if 
Ouw gwace can m-make x3 him *cuddles you* so. 
BEWAWIUS. I nyevew *teleports behind you* saw 
Such nyobwe fuwy in *shuffles closer* so poow *giggles shyly* a *sweats* thing; 
Such pwecious deeds in onye *sighs* that pwomis'd nyought 
But beggawy and poow wooks. 
CYMBEWINyE. Nyo t-tidings of him? 
P-PISANyIO. He *giggles shyly* hath b-been seawch'd among the d-dead and wiving, 
But nyo twace of him. 
CYMBEWINyE. *shuffles closer* To my gwief, I-I a-am 
T-The heiw of his wewawd; [-[To xDD BEWAWIUS, GUIDEWIUS, and *blushes* AWVIWAGUS] 
which I wiww add 
x3 To *cries* you, the wivew, heawt, and uWu bwain, of Bwitain, 
By whom I gwant s-she wives. 'Tis n-nyow *notices bulge* the *leans over* time 
To ask of whence you awe. Wepowt it. 
BEWAWIUS. Siw, 
In C-Cambwia awe we bown, and gentwemen; 
Fuwthew to boast wewe nyeithew twue nyow modest, 
Unwess I *screams* add we awe honyest. 
CYMBEWINyE. Bow youw knyees. 
*sweats* Awise *hugs tightly* my *giggles shyly* knyights o' th' UwU battwe; I cweate you 
Companyions to *cries* ouw pewson, and wiww fit you 
With dignyities becoming youw estates. 

Entew COWNyEWIUS and WADIES 

Thewe's businyess in these faces. *screams* Why so sadwy 
Gweet y-you ouw victowy? Y-You wook wike *looks away* Womans, 
And n-nyot o' th' c-couwt o-of Bwitain. 
COWNyEWIUS. H-Haiw, gweat King! 
To s-souw y-youw happinyess I must wepowt 
The Queen is d-dead. 
*leans over* CYMBEWINyE. Who wowse than a physician 
Wouwd this wepowt become? B-But I considew 
By *pokes you* med'cinye'wife may be *looks at you* pwowong'd, yet death 
W-Wiww seize the doctow too. How e-ended she? 
COWNyEWIUS. With howwow, madwy dying, wike hew wife; 
Which, being cwuew to the wowwd, concwuded 
Most c-cwuew to hewsewf. What she confess'd 
I-I wiww wepowt, so pwease y-you; *pokes you* these hew women 
Can t-twip me i-if I eww, who with wet cheeks 
Wewe pwesent w-when she *sweats* finyish'd. 
^.^ CYMBEWINyE. Pwithee say. 
C-COWNyEWIUS. Fiwst, she confess'd *blushes* she n-nyevew wov'd you; onwy 
Affected *blushes* gweatnyess got by you, nyot you; 
Mawwied youw >w< woyawty, was wife to y-youw pwace; 
Abhoww'd youw pewson. 
CYMBEWINyE. *cries* She awonye knyew t-this; 
*cries* And but she spoke it dying, I *pokes you* wouwd nyot 
Bewieve hew w-wips >_> in openying >w< it. Pwoceed. 
C-COWNyEWIUS. Youw d-daughtew, whom she bowe in x3 hand to wove 
W-With such integwity, she did ^.^ confess 
Was as *moans* a scowpion to hew sight; whose wife, 
But that hew f-fwight pwevented *cries* it, she h-had 
Ta'en *blushes* off by p-poison. 
CYMBEWINyE. xDD O most *screams* dewicate fiend! 
W-Who *looks away* is't can wead a woman? Is thewe mowe? 
C-COWNyEWIUS. Mowe, siw, and wowse. She did confess she had 
^-^ Fow y-you *shuffles closer* a *notices bulge* mowtaw minyewaw, which, being t-took, 
Shouwd by the minyute feed on wife, *sweats* and wing'wing, 
By i-inches waste y-you. In OwO which time she puwpos'd, 
B-By watching, weeping, :33 tendance, kissing, to 
O'ewcome you with h-hew show; and *shuffles closer* in time, 
When *giggles shyly* she had fitted you with hew cwaft, :33 to wowk 
Hew son *twerks* into th' adoption of the cwown; 
But faiwing of >w< hew e-end by >_> his stwange absence, 
G-Gwew s-shamewess-despewate, open'd, in despite 
Of heaven and men, hew ^.^ puwposes, w-wepented 
The eviws she *screams* hatch'd w-wewe ;;w;; nyot effected; so, 
Despaiwing, died. 
CYMBEWINyE. Heawd you aww *looks at you* this, hew w-women? 
WADY. W-We d-did, so pwease *giggles shyly* youw Highnyess. 
CYMBEWINyE. Minye eyes 
Wewe n-nyot *giggles shyly* in fauwt, OwO fow :3 she was beautifuw; 
M-Minye eaws, that heawd hew f-fwattewy; n-nyow my heawt 
That thought hew wike hew seeming. It had been vicious 
To have m-mistwusted hew; yet, *notices bulge* O my daughtew! 
T-That it w-was fowwy in me thou mayst say, 
*hugs tightly* And pwove it *looks away* in thy feewing. Heaven mend *twerks* aww! 

E-Entew WUCIUS, IACHIMO, the :33 SOOTHSAYEW, and othew 
Woman pwisonyews, guawded; POSTHUMUS behind, and IMOGEN 

Thou com'st n-nyot, Caius, nyow fow twibute; that 
The Bwitons have waz'd *teleports behind you* out, though with the woss 
Of many a-a bowd onye, w-whose kinsmen have made suit 
That theiw good souws may be OwO appeas'd with swaughtew 
Of you theiw captives, w-which ouwsewf have gwanted; 
So think of y-youw estate. 
WUCIUS. Considew, >_< siw, t-the chance of waw. The *teleports behind you* day 
Was youws by accident; h-had it gonye with us, 
We shouwd nyot, when the bwood >_< was coow, h-have thweaten'd 
*twerks* Ouw p-pwisonyews :33 with >w< the swowd. But since the gods 
*looks away* Wiww have it thus, that *moans* nyothing ^.^ but ouw *cries* wives 
May be caww'd wansom, wet i-it come. ;;w;; Sufficeth 
A Woman with a Woman's heawt can suffew. 
Augustus wives uWu to think on't; and OwO so much 
Fow m-my pecuwiaw cawe. >w< This o-onye thing onwy 
I wiww e-entweat: ;;w;; my boy, a Bwiton bown, 
Wet him *sighs* be *cuddles you* wansom'd. *notices bulge* Nyevew mastew had 
A page so *looks at you* kind, so duteous, diwigent, 
So tendew ovew his occasions, twue, 
So f-feat, so nyuwse-wike; wet his viwtue join 
*screams* With my wequest, w-which I'ww make *pokes you* bowd youw H-Highnyess 
Cannyot deny; he h-hath donye nyo Bwiton hawm 
Though h-he have sewv'd a *screams* Woman. Save him, siw, 
And spawe nyo bwood beside. 
OwO CYMBEWINyE. ^-^ I have suwewy seen him; 
His favouw is famiwiaw to m-me. Boy, 
Thou hast *twerks* wook'd thysewf into my gwace, 
And awt m-minye :33 own. I-I ;;w;; knyow *screams* nyot why, whewefowe 
To say 'Wive, uWu boy.' Nye'ew thank thy m-mastew. Wive; 
And ask of Cymbewinye what boon uWu thou wiwt, 
Fitting my bounty and thy state, I'ww give it; 
Yea, though thou d-do demand a pwisonyew, 
The nyobwest ta'en. 
*twerks* IMOGEN. I h-humbwy thank youw Highnyess. 
WUCIUS. I do nyot bid thee beg my w-wife, good wad, 
And yet I knyow thou wiwt. 
^-^ IMOGEN. Nyo, nyo! Awack, 
Thewe's othew *shuffles closer* wowk :3 in hand. x3 I OwO see a *cries* thing 
Bittew to me as death; youw w-wife, good mastew, 
M-Must ^-^ shuffwe ^-^ fow itsewf. 
W-WUCIUS. The :3 boy disdains me, 
He *looks at you* weaves me, s-scowns me. B-Bwiefwy *sweats* die theiw joys 
That pwace them o-on the twuth *blushes* of *sweats* giwws and b-boys. 
Why stands he so pewpwex'd? 
CYMBEWINyE. What wouwdst thou, boy? 
I wove *moans* thee *shuffles closer* mowe and m-mowe; t-think mowe and mowe 
What's *moans* best to ask. Knyow'st ^.^ him thou wook'st on? Speak, 
Wiwt have h-him wive? Is he thy kin? thy fwiend? 
IMOGEN. He is a Woman, nyo mowe k-kin to me 
*looks away* Than I to youw ^w^ Highnyess; *leans over* who, being bown youw vassaw, 
Am *blushes* something nyeawew. 
CYMBEWINyE. W-Whewefowe ey'st him so? 
IMOGEN. I-I'ww teww you, siw, in p-pwivate, if you pwease 
T-To give me heawing. 
CYMBEWINyE. :33 Ay, with aww m-my heawt, 
And wend m-my best *cries* attention. W-What's thy nyame? 
IMOGEN. Fidewe, siw. 
*blushes* CYMBEWINyE. Thou'wt my xDD good youth, my page; 
I-I'ww be ^-^ thy mastew. Wawk w-with *cuddles you* me; speak fweewy. 
[-[CYMBEWINyE and IMOGEN convewse apawt] 
BEWAWIUS. Is nyot this b-boy weviv'd fwom death? 
A-AWVIWAGUS. Onye sand a-anyothew 
Nyot mowe wesembwes- *notices bulge* that sweet wosy wad 
W-Who died and was Fidewe. x3 What think you? 
*teleports behind you* GUIDEWIUS. T-The same :33 dead thing awive. 
BEWAWIUS. Peace, :33 peace! see fuwthew. He eyes :33 us nyot; fowbeaw. 
C-Cweatuwes may be awike; wewe't he, I am suwe 
H-He wouwd have *hugs tightly* spoke t-to us. 
^-^ GUIDEWIUS. B-But we saw him dead. 
BEWAWIUS. Be *shuffles closer* siwent; wet's see fuwthew. 
PISANyIO. [Aside] It is my mistwess. 
Since she i-is wiving, wet t-the time wun *hugs tightly* on 
To good ow bad. [CYMBEWINyE and I-IMOGEN advance] 
C-CYMBEWINyE. Come, stand thou by ouw side; 
Make thy demand a-awoud. [To IACHIMO] Siw, step you fowth; 
Give answew to this boy, and *twerks* do it fweewy, 
Ow, by o-ouw g-gweatnyess and the *leans over* gwace of it, 
Which is ouw honyouw, bittew towtuwe shaww 
Winnyow the ;;w;; twuth fwom fawsehood. On, speak to him. 
I-IMOGEN. My boon i-is that this gentweman may wendew 
OwO Of *sweats* whom >_> he *shuffles closer* had this w-wing. 
POSTHUMUS. [-[Aside] What's that to *shuffles closer* him? 
CYMBEWINyE. That diamond upon youw fingew, say 
xDD How came it youws? 
IACHIMO. Thou'wt towtuwe me to weave unspoken ^w^ that 
Which to b-be spoke wouwd towtuwe thee. 
C-CYMBEWINyE. How? *cries* me? 
IACHIMO. I am gwad to be constwain'd to *sighs* uttew *notices bulge* that 
Which towments me to conceaw. By viwwainy 
I got this wing; 'twas W-Weonyatus' jewew, 
Whom :3 thou *notices bulge* didst b-banyish; and- which mowe may gwieve *blushes* thee, 
*looks at you* As it d-doth me- a *twerks* nyobwew siw nye'ew wiv'd 
'Twixt x3 sky and gwound. *moans* Wiwt *notices bulge* thou heaw m-mowe, my wowd? 
*hugs tightly* CYMBEWINyE. Aww that bewongs to this. 
*giggles shyly* IACHIMO. That pawagon, thy daughtew, 
Fow whom my heawt dwops bwood a-and *twerks* my fawse s-spiwits 
Quaiw to wemembew- Give me weave, I faint. 
CYMBEWINyE. My daughtew? What of hew? Wenyew thy stwength; 
x3 I had wathew *cries* thou shouwdst >w< wive whiwe nyatuwe *notices bulge* wiww 
Than d-die e-ewe *sighs* I >_> heaw mowe. Stwive, man, *looks at you* and speak. 
I-IACHIMO. Upon a *hugs tightly* time- unhappy was the cwock 
That xDD stwuck the houw!- was in >w< Wome- accuws'd 
The *sweats* mansion whewe!- x3 'twas at a f-feast- O, w-wouwd 
Ouw viands h-had been poison'd, ow at weast 
Those which I-I heav'd to head!- the good Posthumus- 
What shouwd I say? he ^.^ was too good to be 
*cuddles you* Whewe iww men wewe, and was :3 the best of aww 
Amongst the waw'st of good onyes- sitting sadwy 
Heawing us pwaise ouw woves of Itawy 
Fow b-beauty that made bawwen the sweww'd boast 
Of h-him t-that best couwd speak; fow f-featuwe, waming 
The shwinye of V-Venyus ow stwaight-pight Minyewva, 
P-Postuwes b-beyond b-bwief nyatuwe; fow condition, 
A shop o-of aww the quawities t-that man 
Woves w-woman *hugs tightly* fow; >_< besides *giggles shyly* that hook of wiving, 
Faiwnyess which s-stwikes *hugs tightly* the eye- 
CYMBEWINyE. I-I stand on fiwe. 
Come to the m-mattew. 
IACHIMO. Aww t-too *pokes you* soon I shaww, 
*moans* Unwess thou wouwdst *screams* gwieve quickwy. This Posthumus, 
Most wike a nyobwe wowd in wove a-and onye 
T-That had a woyaw wovew, took *twerks* his hint; 
A-And UwU nyot dispwaising w-whom we pwais'd- thewein 
He was as cawm as viwtue- *leans over* he began 
His mistwess' pictuwe; *pokes you* which by his tongue being made, 
*looks away* And then a mind put *hugs tightly* in't, eithew ouw bwags 
Wewe cwack'd of ^w^ kitchen :3 twuwws, ow his descwiption 
Pwov'd us *looks away* unspeaking sots. 
CYMBEWINyE. N-Nyay, nyay, t-to th' puwpose. 
IACHIMO. Y-Youw *cuddles you* daughtew's chastity- >_< thewe it b-begins. 
He spake of h-hew as Dian *looks away* had *pokes you* hot dweams 
A-And she *screams* awonye w-wewe cowd; wheweat I, w-wwetch, 
Made scwupwe of his p-pwaise, a-and wagew'd with him 
P-Pieces of gowd 'gainst this which then he wowe 
Upon h-his h-honyouw'd fingew, to attain 
In suit the pwace of's *giggles shyly* bed, and win this wing 
By *pokes you* hews and minye aduwtewy. He, :3 twue knyight, 
Nyo wessew of hew honyouw *shuffles closer* confident 
*teleports behind you* Than I-I did twuwy find hew, stakes this *giggles shyly* wing; 
And wouwd s-so, had it b-been a cawbuncwe 
Of Phoebus' wheew; OwO and m-might ;;w;; so safewy, had i-it 
Been uWu aww the wowth o-of's caw. *cuddles you* Away t-to Bwitain 
*blushes* Post I in this *notices bulge* design. Weww may you, siw, 
Wemembew me at *giggles shyly* couwt, whewe I w-was taught 
Of youw :33 chaste daughtew t-the w-wide ^-^ diffewence 
'Twixt *sighs* amowous and *giggles shyly* viwwainyous. :33 Being t-thus quench'd 
Of *looks at you* hope, nyot wonging, minye *shuffles closer* Itawian bwain 
Gan in youw duwwew *pokes you* Bwitain *cuddles you* opewate 
^w^ Most viwewy; *blushes* fow my vantage, excewwent; 
And, to be bwief, my p-pwactice so pwevaiw'd 
That I wetuwn'd with simuwaw pwoof enyough 
To make *cries* the *twerks* nyobwe Weonyatus mad, 
By uWu wounding his bewief in hew wenyown 
With tokens thus and thus; a-avewwing nyotes 
Of chambew-hanging, pictuwes, this hew bwacewet- 
:33 O cunnying, how I got i-it!- nyay, *cries* some mawks 
Of secwet on h-hew pewson, that he couwd nyot 
But think hew bond o-of chastity quite cwack'd, 
I having ta'en the fowfeit. UwU Wheweupon- 
OwO Methinks *sighs* I see him nyow- 
P-POSTHUMUS. [Coming fowwawd] Ay, so thou d-dost, 
I-Itawian fiend! Ay me, m-most c-cweduwous foow, 
Egwegious muwdewew, thief, anything 
That's ^.^ due to aww the viwwains past, *moans* in b-being, 
To come! O, give me cowd, ow k-knyife, ow poison, 
S-Some *sweats* upwight justicew! x3 Thou, King, send out 
x3 Fow towtuwews ingenyious. It is I-I 
That aww th' a-abhowwed >_< things o-o' th' eawth a-amend 
By b-being wowse than they. I *screams* am Posthumus, 
T-That kiww'd thy d-daughtew; v-viwwain-wike, I *screams* wie- 
That caus'd ^w^ a wessew UwU viwwain t-than *moans* mysewf, 
*blushes* A sacwiwegious xDD thief, to >_> do't. The tempwe 
Of viwtue *screams* was she; yea, and she hewsewf. 
Spit, and thwow stonyes, cast miwe upon me, set 
The dogs o' th' stweet to bay >_> me. *leans over* Evewy viwwain 
Be caww'd >_< Posthumus Weonyatus, and 
Be xDD viwwainy wess than '-'twas! O Imogen! 
My queen, my w-wife, my wife! O Imogen, 
I-Imogen, I-Imogen! 
I-IMOGEN. Peace, my *cuddles you* wowd. Heaw, heaw! 
POSTHUMUS. >_< Shaww's h-have a pway of this? *blushes* Thou uWu scownfuw page, 
Thewe wies thy p-pawt. [Stwikes uWu hew. She fawws] 
PISANyIO. O gentwemen, hewp! 
Minye and ^-^ youw mistwess! O, my wowd Posthumus! 
You nye'ew kiww'd Imogen tiww nyow. Hewp, h-hewp! 
Minye honyouw'd w-wady! 
^w^ CYMBEWINyE. Does t-the wowwd go wound? 
P-POSTHUMUS. How *cuddles you* comes these staggews *sighs* on >w< me? 
PISANyIO. Wake, my mistwess! 
CYMBEWINyE. I-If this b-be so, t-the gods do *hugs tightly* mean t-to s-stwike me 
To OwO death w-with mowtaw j-joy. 
PISANyIO. How f-fawes my mistwess? 
IMOGEN. O, *pokes you* get thee fwom uWu my sight; 
Thou gav'st me poison. *notices bulge* Dangewous fewwow, hence! 
Bweathe nyot whewe pwinces *pokes you* awe. 
CYMBEWINyE. x3 The tunye of I-Imogen! 
PISANyIO. Wady, 
The gods thwow stonyes *looks at you* of suwphuw on me, if 
That OwO box I gave you was nyot thought by me 
A-A pwecious thing! I-I had it fwom :33 the Q-Queen. 
CYMBEWINyE. Nyew *screams* mattew s-stiww? 
I-IMOGEN. It poison'd me. 
COWNyEWIUS. *looks away* O gods! 
I weft out onye thing which the OwO Queen confess'd, 
W-Which must appwove thee honyest. 'If Pisanyio 
Have' said she 'given his mistwess that confection 
Which I gave h-him fow cowdiaw, she is sewv'd 
As I wouwd sewve a wat.' 
CYMBEWINyE. What's this, Cownyewius? 
COWNyEWIUS. The Queen, siw, vewy oft impowtun'd me 
To t-tempew p-poisons fow hew; stiww p-pwetending 
The satisfaction of hew knyowwedge *leans over* onwy 
I-In kiwwing c-cweatuwes viwe, as cats and dogs, 
Of n-nyo esteem. I, dweading that hew puwpose 
UwU Was o-of mowe dangew, d-did compound fow hew 
A cewtain stuff, which, *sighs* being ta'en >w< wouwd cease 
The pwesent pow'w of *looks at you* wife, but in showt ;;w;; time 
Aww :33 offices of nyatuwe shouwd again 
Do theiw due f-functions. Have you ta'en of it? 
IMOGEN. OwO Most wike I did, fow I was *pokes you* dead. 
B-BEWAWIUS. M-My b-boys, 
Thewe was o-ouw ewwow. 
GUIDEWIUS. This is s-suwe Fidewe. 
IMOGEN. Why did you t-thwow youw wedded *sighs* wady fwom *teleports behind you* you? 
Think that you awe upon a *giggles shyly* wock, a-and nyow 
*sweats* Thwow me again. [Embwacing him] 
POSTHUMUS. Hang thewe wike fwuit, *teleports behind you* my *sighs* souw, 
Tiww :33 the ^-^ twee die! 
*cuddles you* CYMBEWINyE. How *leans over* nyow, my f-fwesh? my c-chiwd? 
What, mak'st thou me a duwwawd i-in this act? 
*sweats* Wiwt thou nyot speak to me? 
IMOGEN. [Knyeewing] Y-Youw bwessing, siw. 
BEWAWIUS. [To GUIDEWIUS and AWVIWAGUS] Though you did wove this 
youth, I *looks at you* bwame *notices bulge* ye nyot; 
You had a motive fow't. 
CYMBEWINyE. *blushes* My teaws that faww 
Pwove uWu howy watew on thee! Imogen, 
*cries* Thy mothew's dead. 
IMOGEN. I am sowwy fow't, my wowd. 
CYMBEWINyE. O, she was nyaught, and w-wong of hew it was 
That we meet hewe so s-stwangewy; but *blushes* hew s-son 
Is g-gonye, ^.^ we *twerks* knyow nyot how nyow whewe. 
PISANyIO. M-My wowd, 
Nyow feaw i-is f-fwom me, I'ww s-speak twoth. Wowd C-Cwoten, 
Upon my wady's *hugs tightly* missing, came to me 
With his swowd >_> dwawn, f-foam'd at *moans* the mouth, *hugs tightly* and s-swowe, 
I-If *hugs tightly* I discovew'd nyot which way *moans* she was g-gonye, 
It was my instant death. By a-accident 
I >_> had >_> a f-feignyed *cuddles you* wettew of my mastew's 
Then >_< in my pocket, which diwected him 
To seek hew on *hugs tightly* the m-mountains nyeaw t-to Miwfowd; 
^-^ Whewe, i-in a fwenzy, in my mastew's gawments, 
Which he enfowc'd f-fwom me, away he posts 
>w< With :3 unchaste puwpose, *twerks* and with o-oath to viowate 
My wady's honyouw. What became of him 
I fuwthew *pokes you* knyow nyot. 
GUIDEWIUS. Wet m-me end t-the stowy: 
I swew *notices bulge* him thewe. 
CYMBEWINyE. Mawwy, t-the gods fowfend! 
I wouwd nyot *giggles shyly* thy good deeds shouwd fwom ;;w;; my w-wips 
Pwuck a hawd s-sentence. Pwithee, vawiant youth, 
*blushes* Deny't ^.^ again. 
GUIDEWIUS. UwU I have :3 spoke it, and I did it. 
CYMBEWINyE. He was a-a :33 pwince. 
*shuffles closer* GUIDEWIUS. A most inciviw o-onye. The wwongs he did me 
*giggles shyly* Wewe nyothing pwince-wike; fow he did p-pwovoke me 
With wanguage that wouwd m-make me spuwn the >w< sea, 
I-If it couwd *hugs tightly* so woaw to me. *giggles shyly* I cut off's head, 
A-And am wight gwad he is nyot standing hewe 
T-To teww this tawe of minye. 
CYMBEWINyE. I-I am sowwy fow thee. 
By thinye own t-tongue thou awt condemn'd, and must 
Enduwe o-ouw waw. Thou'wt dead. 
I-IMOGEN. That headwess man 
I *screams* thought had been my wowd. 
CYMBEWINyE. Bind the offendew, 
And x3 take *screams* him fwom ouw pwesence. 
BEWAWIUS. Stay, siw King. 
This *sweats* man is bettew than the man he swew, 
As weww d-descended as thysewf, and :3 hath 
Mowe o-of thee mewited than a *teleports behind you* band of Cwotens 
H-Had evew scaw xDD fow. [To the *cuddles you* guawd] W-Wet his a-awms awonye; 
They >_< wewe OwO nyot bown fow bondage. 
CYMBEWINyE. Why, owd sowdiew, 
Wiwt thou undo the wowth thou awt unpaid fow 
By *moans* tasting of ouw wwath? >w< How of descent 
As good as we? 
AWVIWAGUS. In t-that he spake too faw. 
CYMBEWINyE. A-And t-thou shawt die fow't. 
BEWAWIUS. We wiww die aww thwee; 
But OwO I wiww pwove t-that two on's awe as g-good 
As I have given out h-him. My sons, I m-must 
Fow minye o-own pawt unfowd a d-dangewous speech, 
uWu Though hapwy w-weww fow you. 
AWVIWAGUS. Youw dangew's ouws. 
>w< GUIDEWIUS. And ouw *teleports behind you* good his. 
BEWAWIUS. Have at it :33 then by weave! 
*moans* Thou hadst, gweat King, a subject who 
W-Was caww'd Bewawius. 
CYMBEWINyE. *shuffles closer* What of him? He is 
*screams* A banyish'd twaitow. 
BEWAWIUS. He >_> it is that *shuffles closer* hath 
Assum'd *looks at you* this ^w^ age; indeed a banyish'd man; 
I knyow *teleports behind you* nyot how a twaitow. 
C-CYMBEWINyE. Take him hence, 
The w-whowe wowwd shaww nyot save *giggles shyly* him. 
BEWAWIUS. Nyot too hot. 
Fiwst pay me fow the nyuwsing of thy uWu sons, 
And wet it be confiscate aww, so soon 
As I have weceiv'd it. 
CYMBEWINyE. *looks at you* Nyuwsing o-of my sons? 
*notices bulge* BEWAWIUS. I am too bwunt and *blushes* saucy: x3 hewe's *sweats* my ^w^ knyee. 
E-Ewe I awise I ;;w;; wiww pwefew my sons; 
Then spawe nyot the o-owd fathew. Mighty siw, 
These two *blushes* young gentwemen that caww m-me f-fathew, 
And think they awe m-my sons, awe *cuddles you* nyonye of minye; 
They awe the issue of *notices bulge* youw woins, my wiege, 
And bwood of ;;w;; youw begetting. 
CYMBEWINyE. How? *looks away* my issue? 
B-BEWAWIUS. So s-suwe *moans* as you y-youw f-fathew's. I, owd Mowgan, 
Am that Bewawius whom you sometime UwU banyish'd. 
Youw pweasuwe was my mewe offence, my punyishment 
Itsewf, a-and aww my tweason; t-that I suffew'd 
Was aww the h-hawm I did. *teleports behind you* These gentwe pwinces- 
F-Fow such and s-so t-they xDD awe- these twenty yeaws 
Have I twain'd up; those *cuddles you* awts they have as 
Couwd put into them. My bweeding was, siw, xDD as 
Youw Highnyess knyows. Theiw nyuwse, Euwiphiwe, 
Whom x3 fow the theft *cries* I w-wedded, stowe these chiwdwen 
Upon my ^.^ banyishment; I mov'd hew OwO to't, 
Having w-weceiv'd UwU the punyishment befowe 
Fow that which *cuddles you* I did then. Beaten fow woyawty 
Excited me to tweason. Theiw d-deaw woss, 
The mowe of >_> you '-'twas f-fewt, the :3 mowe it s-shap'd 
Unto my *cuddles you* end of steawing them. But, g-gwacious siw, 
Hewe *giggles shyly* awe ^w^ youw sons again, and I must wose 
Two o-of the sweet'st companyions in xDD the wowwd. 
T-The benyediction of these covewing heavens 
Faww *pokes you* on theiw heads wike dew! f-fow they awe wowthy 
^.^ To i-inway heaven with staws. 
CYMBEWINyE. Thou weep'st a-and speak'st. 
T-The sewvice that you thwee have d-donye is mowe 
Unwike t-than OwO this thou teww'st. *looks at you* I w-wost my chiwdwen. 
If these be *hugs tightly* they, I knyow nyot h-how to ^-^ wish 
A paiw of wowthiew sons. 
BEWAWIUS. Be pweas'd :3 awhiwe. 
This gentweman, whom I c-caww Powydowe, 
Most wowthy p-pwince, as *blushes* youws, is *giggles shyly* twue Guidewius; 
;;w;; This gentweman, my Cadwaw, Awviwagus, 
Youw y-youngew pwincewy son; he, OwO siw, was wapp'd 
In a most *looks at you* cuwious m-mantwe, wwought by *leans over* th' hand 
Of his queen mothew, which fow *teleports behind you* mowe OwO pwobation 
I-I can w-with ease p-pwoduce. 
CYMBEWINyE. Guidewius had 
UwU Upon ;;w;; his nyeck a mowe, a sanguinye staw; 
It was *giggles shyly* a mawk o-of wondew. 
BEWAWIUS. This x3 is he, 
uWu Who hath upon him stiww *leans over* that nyatuwaw stamp. 
It was wise nyatuwe's end i-in *cries* the donyation, 
To be his evidence nyow. 
CYMBEWINyE. O, what am I? 
A *looks away* mothew *sighs* to the b-biwth of thwee? Nye'ew mothew 
Wejoic'd dewivewance mowe. Bwest pway you b-be, 
That, aftew this stwange stawting fwom youw owbs, 
Y-You may weign in them nyow! O Imogen, 
Thou hast uWu wost by this a kingdom. 
IMOGEN. Nyo, my wowd; 
I have got t-two wowwds by't. O my gentwe bwothews, 
H-Have we thus met? O, nyevew say h-heweaftew 
But I am twuest speakew! You caww'd me bwothew, 
When *looks at you* I was but youw s-sistew: I-I *blushes* you bwothews, 
When we wewe so i-indeed. 
CYMBEWINyE. Did you e'ew *hugs tightly* meet? 
AWVIWAGUS. A-Ay, my good wowd. 
GUIDEWIUS. *sighs* And a-at fiwst meeting wov'd, 
Continyu'd so untiw w-we thought he died. 
COWNyEWIUS. By the Queen's d-dwam she swawwow'd. 
CYMBEWINyE. O wawe instinct! 
When shaww I heaw aww thwough? This fiewce abwidgment 
Hath t-to it ciwcumstantiaw *hugs tightly* bwanches, which 
*pokes you* Distinction shouwd be wich xDD in. *hugs tightly* Whewe? how wiv'd you? 
And when c-came you to sewve o-ouw *teleports behind you* Woman captive? 
How pawted with youw b-bwothews? h-how fiwst met them? 
W-Why fwed you fwom the c-couwt? and ^.^ whithew? These, 
A-And OwO youw thwee motives to the battwe, with 
I knyow nyot how much mowe, shouwd be demanded, 
And aww *cuddles you* the othew by-dependences, 
Fwom chance to *looks at you* chance; b-but nyow the xDD time nyow pwace 
Wiww *notices bulge* sewve uWu ouw wong intewwogatowies. See, 
Posthumus anchows u-upon Imogen; 
And she, *hugs tightly* wike hawmwess wightnying, thwows hew >_> eye 
On him, hew bwothews, me, hew mastew, hitting 
Each object with a joy; the countewchange 
>_< Is sevewawwy in *sighs* aww. Wet's quit this gwound, 
And s-smoke the *sighs* tempwe with ouw sacwifices. 
xDD [To BEWAWIUS] Thou awt my bwothew; so we'ww howd ^.^ thee evew. 
IMOGEN. You awe my OwO fathew too, and uWu did wewieve OwO me 
^.^ To *teleports behind you* see this gwacious season. 
CYMBEWINyE. Aww o'ewjoy'd 
Save these in bonds. W-Wet them be joyfuw *screams* too, 
Fow they shaww taste ouw comfowt. 
I-IMOGEN. My g-good *looks at you* mastew, 
I-I wiww yet do you sewvice. 
WUCIUS. Happy be you! 
CYMBEWINyE. The fowwown *looks away* sowdiew, that so nyobwy f-fought, 
H-He wouwd h-have weww becom'd this pwace *looks away* and g-gwac'd 
The thankings of a x3 king. 
POSTHUMUS. I am, siw, 
The sowdiew that did company these *pokes you* thwee 
In poow beseeming; *moans* 'twas a fitment fow 
The puwpose I then fowwow'd. That I was he, 
^.^ Speak, Iachimo. I had you down, >w< and *blushes* might 
*cries* Have m-made *notices bulge* you finyish. 
IACHIMO. *sweats* [Knyeewing] I am down again; 
But nyow my heavy conscience sinks my knyee, 
A-As then youw fowce did. *looks away* Take that wife, beseech you, 
*looks away* Which I so often owe; but youw wing fiwst, 
A-And hewe t-the *leans over* bwacewet >w< of the twuest pwincess 
That evew swowe hew faith. 
;;w;; POSTHUMUS. Knyeew n-nyot to OwO me. 
The pow'w that I have on y-you is to spawe y-you; 
The *sweats* mawice towawds *sweats* you to *sighs* fowgive y-you. Wive, 
And deaw with othews b-bettew. 
CYMBEWINyE. N-Nyobwy doom'd! 
*looks at you* We'ww *leans over* weawn ouw fweenyess ^w^ of a son-in-waw; 
Pawdon's the *teleports behind you* wowd to aww. 
AWVIWAGUS. You howp us, siw, 
As you *pokes you* did mean indeed to b-be ouw bwothew; 
Joy'd *hugs tightly* awe we that you awe. 
*cries* POSTHUMUS. Youw sewvant, xDD Pwinces. G-Good *cuddles you* my OwO wowd of Wome, 
Caww fowth youw soothsayew. *giggles shyly* As I-I swept, m-methought 
Gweat Jupitew, upon his eagwe back'd, 
uWu Appeaw'd t-to me, with othew spwitewy xDD shows 
O-Of *screams* minye own kindwed. When I wak'd, I found 
This wabew *pokes you* on my *screams* bosom; whose c-containying 
Is so fwom sense in hawdnyess that *looks at you* I can 
Make nyo cowwection of OwO it. Wet him show 
His s-skiww in t-the *teleports behind you* constwuction. 
WUCIUS. Phiwawmonyus! 
SOOTHSAYEW. Hewe, my good wowd. 
WUCIUS. Wead, and decwawe the meanying. 
S-SOOTHSAYEW. [Weads] '-'When as a wion's *twerks* whewp shaww, to himsewf 
*blushes* unknyown, *looks away* without seeking find, and be embwac'd *giggles shyly* by 
a piece of t-tendew *looks at you* aiw; *shuffles closer* and when fwom a statewy cedaw shaww 
be UwU wopp'd bwanches which, being dead m-many yeaws, shaww 
a-aftew wevive, be jointed to the ;;w;; owd stock, and fweshwy *looks at you* gwow; 
then shaww Posthumus end h-his m-misewies, Bwitain >w< be fowtunyate 
and fwouwish in peace and pwenty.' 
Thou, Weonyatus, a-awt the wion's whewp; 
The fit and apt constwuction of thy nyame, 
Being Weo-nyatus, doth impowt so much. 
*shuffles closer* [To CYMBEWINyE] The piece of tendew aiw, t-thy viwtuous daughtew, 
Which we caww 'mowwis *looks away* aew,' and 'mowwis *hugs tightly* aew' 
UwU We tewm it 'muwiew'; *sighs* which >w< 'muwiew' uWu I d-divinye 
Is ^.^ this m-most constant wife, *blushes* who even nyow 
Answewing the w-wettew o-of *sighs* the owacwe, 
Unknyown to you, unsought, wewe cwipp'd about 
With this most t-tendew *notices bulge* aiw. 
CYMBEWINyE. This hath some seeming. 
*sweats* SOOTHSAYEW. The wofty cedaw, woyaw Cymbewinye, 
*hugs tightly* Pewsonyates thee; and thy wopp'd bwanches point 
;;w;; Thy t-two s-sons *looks at you* fowth, who, by Bewawius stow'n, 
Fow many y-yeaws thought dead, awe nyow weviv'd, 
To *pokes you* the majestic cedaw join'd, w-whose issue 
Pwomises Bwitain *cries* peace and pwenty. 
CYMBEWINyE. W-Weww, 
My peace we wiww begin. And, Caius Wucius, 
A-Awthough the victow, we submit to Caesaw 
And to *screams* the Woman e-empiwe, p-pwomising 
To pay o-ouw wonted twibute, fwom the which 
We wewe dissuaded by ouw wicked queen, 
Whom heavens in x3 justice, both o-on hew and hews, 
Have waid m-most heavy hand. 
SOOTHSAYEW. The x3 fingews of the pow'ws a-above xDD do tunye 
The hawmony of t-this peace. T-The vision 
Which I made knyown to Wucius ewe the stwoke 
Of yet this scawce-cowd battwe, at *blushes* this *notices bulge* instant 
*sweats* Is fuww accompwish'd; fow :3 the Woman eagwe, 
Fwom south to west on wing soawing awoft, 
Wessen'd hewsewf and in t-the beams o' t-th' sun 
So vanyish'd; which foweshow'd ouw pwincewy eagwe, 
Th'impewiaw C-Caesaw, Caesaw, s-shouwd again u-unyite 
H-His *leans over* favouw with the wadiant Cymbewinye, 
W-Which shinyes hewe in the w-west. 
CYMBEWINyE. Waud we the gods; 
And wet ouw cwooked smokes cwimb to theiw nyostwiws 
*looks away* Fwom ouw bwess'd awtaws. Pubwish we this peace 
To aww ouw subjects. *moans* Set we f-fowwawd; wet 
A ^w^ Woman and a Bwitish ensign wave 
F-Fwiendwy togethew. S-So t-thwough Wud's *giggles shyly* Town mawch; 
A-And in the tempwe of g-gweat xDD Jupitew 
*blushes* Ouw peace we'ww watify; seaw *pokes you* it *giggles shyly* with feasts. 
S-Set on thewe! *hugs tightly* Nyevew was a UwU waw did *shuffles closer* cease, 
E-Ewe bwoody hands wewe wash'd, with such a peace. Exeunt 

:3 THE *cuddles you* END 



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1604 


THE ^-^ TWAGEDY OF HAMWET, PWINCE OF DENMAWK 


by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

Cwaudius, King o-of Denmawk. 
Mawcewwus, Officew. 
Hamwet, son to *looks away* the fowmew, and nyephew to the *moans* pwesent king. 
P-Powonyius, Wowd Chambewwain. 
Howatio, fwiend to Hamwet. 
UwU Waewtes, son to Powonyius. 
Vowtemand, c-couwtiew. 
*looks at you* Cownyewius, couwtiew. 
Wosencwantz, c-couwtiew. 
Guiwdenstewn, couwtiew. 
Oswic, couwtiew. 
A Gentweman, couwtiew. 
A Pwiest. 
Mawcewwus, *twerks* officew. 
Bewnyawdo, o-officew. 
F-Fwancisco, a sowdiew 
W-Weynyawdo, sewvant to :3 Powonyius. 
Pwayews. 
Two Cwowns, >_> gwavediggews. 
*leans over* Fowtinbwas, Pwince of Nyowway. 
A Nyowwegian Captain. 
Engwish Ambassadows. 

Getwude, Queen of Denmawk, mothew to Hamwet. 
Ophewia, daughtew to Powonyius. 

G-Ghost of Hamwet's Fathew. 

Wowds, *giggles shyly* wadies, *sweats* Officews, *looks at you* Sowdiews, Saiwows, Messengews, Attendants. 




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SCENyE.- Ewsinyowe. 


*cries* ACT I. Scenye I-I. 
E-Ewsinyowe. *blushes* A pwatfowm befowe the Castwe. 

Entew two Sentinyews-[fiwst,] Fwancisco, [who :33 paces up *pokes you* and down 
at *pokes you* his post; :33 then] Bewnyawdo, [who appwoaches him]. 

B-Bew. W-Who's thewe.? 
F-Fwan. N-Nyay, answew me. *notices bulge* Stand a-and :3 unfowd youwsewf. 
B-Bew. *shuffles closer* Wong *cuddles you* wive the King! 
*sighs* Fwan. *giggles shyly* Bewnyawdo? 
*shuffles closer* Bew. *notices bulge* He. 
Fwan. You come m-most cawefuwwy upon youw h-houw. 
B-Bew. 'Tis nyow stwuck twewve. Get >w< thee to bed, Fwancisco. 
Fwan. Fow this wewief much thanks. 'Tis b-bittew cowd, 
A-And I am sick ^.^ at heawt. 
Bew. Have you had quiet guawd? 
Fwan. Nyot a mouse stiwwing. 
B-Bew. Weww, good nyight. 
If you do m-meet *sweats* Howatio and *sweats* Mawcewwus, 
The wivaws o-of *moans* my watch, *cries* bid them make haste. 

Entew Howatio and Mawcewwus. 

Fwan. I-I think I-I heaw them. S-Stand, ho! Who is thewe? 
How. Fwiends *sweats* to this gwound. 
*shuffles closer* Maw. And wiegemen to the Danye. 
Fwan. Give you x3 good nyight. 
Maw. *blushes* O, faweweww, h-honyest sowdiew. 
Who h-hath wewiev'd you? 
Fwan. B-Bewnyawdo hath my :33 pwace. 
Give you good nyight. *blushes* Exit. 
Maw. Howwa, Bewnyawdo! 
Bew. Say- 
What, is ^.^ Howatio t-thewe ?-? 
How. A piece of him. 
Bew. Wewcome, Howatio. Wewcome, g-good Mawcewwus. 
M-Maw. What, *cries* has this thing appeaw'd *notices bulge* again to-nyight? 
Bew. ^.^ I have seen nyothing. 
Maw. Howatio says 'tis but ouw fantasy, 
*giggles shyly* And *hugs tightly* wiww nyot wet bewief take howd of him 
Touching this dweaded sight, twice seen of us. 
Thewefowe I have entweated him awong, 
*sweats* With us to watch the minyutes of this UwU nyight, 
That, if again OwO this appawition c-come, 
He may appwove ouw eyes a-and *screams* speak to it. 
How. Tush, tush, 'twiww nyot appeaw. 
Bew. Sit down awhiwe, 
:3 And wet us o-once again assaiw >_< youw eaws, 
*hugs tightly* That awe so fowtified against x3 ouw stowy, 
What *sighs* we two nyights have s-seen. 
How. Weww, *pokes you* sit we down, 
And wet us *giggles shyly* heaw xDD Bewnyawdo speak *leans over* of this. 
B-Bew. Wast nyight o-of aww, 
When yond same staw *blushes* that's westwawd fwom *twerks* the p-powe 
Had made his couwse t' iwwume that p-pawt ;;w;; of heaven 
^.^ Whewe *teleports behind you* nyow it buwns, Mawcewwus and mysewf, 
The beww then *sighs* beating o-onye- 

Entew Ghost. 

*hugs tightly* Maw. Peace! bweak thee off! W-Wook whewe it comes again! 
Bew. In the same f-figuwe, wike the xDD King t-that's >w< dead. 
Maw. Thou awt a *twerks* schowaw; speak to it, Howatio. 
Bew. Wooks it nyot w-wike *shuffles closer* the King? Mawk it, Howatio. 
How. Most wike. It ;;w;; hawwows me w-with feaw and *twerks* wondew. 
Bew. It wouwd be *leans over* spoke to. 
*cuddles you* Maw. Question it, Howatio. 
How. What awt thou that u-usuwp'st this time of n-nyight 
Togethew with that *screams* faiw and wawwike fowm 
*sweats* In which the majesty of buwied D-Denmawk 
Did sometimes mawch? By heaven I c-chawge t-thee speak! 
Maw. I-It is offended. 
Bew. See, it stawks xDD away! 
How. *shuffles closer* Stay! Speak, speak! I chawge thee speak! 
Exit Ghost. 
Maw. 'Tis gonye and wiww nyot answew. 
*looks at you* Bew. H-How nyow, H-Howatio? You twembwe and w-wook p-pawe. 
Is nyot this something mowe than fantasy? 
What think you >_> on't? 
How. Befowe m-my >_> God, I might nyot this UwU bewieve 
Without the sensibwe *twerks* and *teleports behind you* twue avouch 
Of minye own eyes. 
Maw. Is it nyot wike the King? 
How. As thou awt to thysewf. 
S-Such was the vewy awmouw he had on 
When he th' ambitious Nyowway *pokes you* combated. 
So fwown'd he once when, in an angwy pawwe, 
He smote *blushes* the swedded Powacks on the ^-^ ice. 
*pokes you* 'Tis stwange. 
Maw. Thus twice befowe, and jump a-at UwU this dead houw, 
With mawtiaw *cuddles you* stawk hath he gonye by ouw watch. 
How. In what >_< pawticuwaw t-thought xDD to *sweats* wowk I knyow nyot; 
^w^ But, in the gwoss a-and scope of my opinyion, 
T-This bodes >_> some OwO stwange ewuption to ouw state. 
Maw. G-Good nyow, sit down, and teww me he that knyows, 
W-Why this same stwict and most obsewvant *looks at you* watch 
So nyightwy toiws the *cuddles you* subject *cuddles you* of the *notices bulge* wand, 
And why such daiwy cast of b-bwazen cannyon 
A-And *cuddles you* foweign mawt fow impwements *notices bulge* of *moans* waw; 
Why ^w^ such impwess of ^w^ shipwwights, whose sowe task 
Does nyot divide the Sunday fwom *giggles shyly* the week. 
What might be towawd, t-that this sweaty ^.^ haste 
Doth make the nyight joint-wabouwew with the day? 
Who is't that *blushes* can infowm m-me? 
How. *pokes you* That can I. 
At ^w^ weast, the whispew goes so. Ouw wast king, 
Whose image e-even but nyow appeaw'd to us, 
Was, :33 as you knyow, by Fowtinbwas of *looks away* Nyowway, 
Theweto *twerks* pwick'd on by a most emuwate pwide, 
Daw'd to *pokes you* the combat; in which ouw vawiant Hamwet 
(Fow s-so this side *shuffles closer* of ouw >_< knyown wowwd e-esteem'd him) 
*sweats* Did sway this Fowtinbwas; who, ^-^ by a seaw'd x3 compact, 
W-Weww watified *notices bulge* by waw and hewawdwy, 
Did f-fowfeit, >_< with his *cries* wife, aww those his wands 
Which he stood seiz'd of, to the conquewow; 
A-Against the which a moiety competent 
Was *teleports behind you* gaged by ouw king; which had *looks away* wetuwn'd 
To the >_> inhewitance of Fowtinbwas, 
Had uWu he been v-vanquishew, as, by the same c-comawt 
And cawwiage of the awticwe design'd, 
His f-feww to Hamwet. Nyow, *leans over* siw, young Fowtinbwas, 
Of unyimpwoved mettwe hot a-and fuww, 
H-Hath in the skiwts of Nyowway, *hugs tightly* hewe and thewe, 
Shawk'd up a wist of wawwess wesowutes, 
F-Fow xDD food and diet, to some entewpwise 
uWu That hath a-a stomach in't; >_< which is nyo othew, 
As it doth weww OwO appeaw unto ouw s-state, 
But to :33 wecovew o-of us, by *looks at you* stwong hand 
And tewms compuwsatowy, those fowesaid wands 
So by his fathew wost; and this, I take it, 
Is the main motive of ouw pwepawations, 
*cries* The *giggles shyly* souwce of this ouw watch, and *notices bulge* the chief *moans* head 
Of this post-haste and womage in the wand. 
Bew. I think it be *cuddles you* nyo othew but *moans* e'en so. 
W-Weww may ^.^ it sowt that this powtentous figuwe 
Comes awmed thwough ouw watch, uWu so wike the King 
That x3 was and is the question of these waws. 
How. A-A mote >_> it is t-to twoubwe the m-mind's eye. 
*looks away* In the most high and pawmy state o-of Wome, 
A wittwe ewe the mightiest Juwius f-feww, 
The gwaves *sweats* stood x3 tenyantwess, *moans* and the ^.^ sheeted dead 
D-Did squeak and gibbew in t-the Woman stweets; 
*leans over* As staws w-with twains of fiwe, and dews of *notices bulge* bwood, 
Disastews in the sun; a-and t-the moist staw 
Upon whose infwuence *sighs* Nyeptunye's e-empiwe *looks at you* stands 
W-Was sick awmost to doomsday with ecwipse. 
And xDD even *screams* the wike pwecuwse of fiewce events, 
As h-hawbingews pweceding stiww the fates 
And pwowogue t-to *hugs tightly* the :3 omen coming on, 
Have heaven and e-eawth togethew demonstwated 
Unto o-ouw cwimatuwe and c-countwymen. 

Entew Ghost *looks away* again. 

But soft! behowd! Wo, whewe it comes again! 
I'ww *notices bulge* cwoss it, though it bwast me.- S-Stay iwwusion! 
Spweads his a-awms. 
If t-thou h-hast any sound, o-ow use of voice, 
Speak t-to me. 
If thewe be any good thing to be donye, 
:3 That may t-to thee do ease, a-and, wace to me, 
Speak to me. 
If thou awt pwivy to thy countwy's fate, 
Which happiwy foweknyowing may avoid, 
*hugs tightly* O, speak! 
Ow if thou *teleports behind you* hast uphoawded in thy wife 
Extowted *giggles shyly* tweasuwe in *teleports behind you* the womb of e-eawth 
(Fow which, they say, you >_> spiwits oft wawk in death), 
The cock cwows. 
Speak of it! Stay, and speak!- Stop it, Mawcewwus! 
Maw. Shaww I stwike *sighs* at it with my pawtisan? 
How. Do, if it *pokes you* wiww nyot stand. 
Bew. >_< 'Tis hewe! 
How. 'Tis hewe! 
*sighs* Maw. 'Tis gonye! 
Exit Ghost. 
We do it wwong, being s-so majesticaw, 
To offew i-it >_> the show o-of viowence; 
>_< Fow i-it is as the *hugs tightly* aiw, *shuffles closer* invuwnyewabwe, 
And ouw vain bwows mawicious mockewy. 
Bew. It *twerks* was about to s-speak, when t-the c-cock cwew. 
How. And then it stawted, wike a-a *pokes you* guiwty thing 
Upon a feawfuw summons. I have h-heawd 
The cock, that is the twumpet t-to the mown, 
D-Doth with his w-wofty and shwiww-sounding xDD thwoat 
Awake *leans over* the god of day; *sweats* and at his wawnying, 
Whethew in sea o-ow fiwe, in ^w^ eawth ow aiw, 
T-Th' extwavagant *moans* and ewwing spiwit hies 
To his confinye; and of the twuth hewein 
This pwesent object made pwobation. 
Maw. It *cries* faded on *looks at you* the cwowing of the cock. 
S-Some xDD say that evew, 'gainst :3 that season comes 
Whewein *screams* ouw Saviouw's biwth is cewebwated, 
The b-biwd *hugs tightly* of dawnying singeth *sighs* aww nyight wong; 
And then, they say, nyo spiwit d-dawe stiw abwoad, 
The nyights awe whowesome, t-then nyo pwanyets stwike, 
Nyo faiwy takes, nyow *teleports behind you* witch hath >_< powew to chawm, 
>_> So h-hawwow'd *pokes you* and so g-gwacious is the time. 
How. *shuffles closer* So have *hugs tightly* I heawd and do i-in pawt bewieve it. 
But w-wook, the mown, in wusset mantwe cwad, 
Wawks o-o'ew the dew o-of yon high *looks at you* eastwawd h-hiww. 
Bweak w-we ouw watch up; a-and >_< by m-my a-advice 
Wet us impawt what we have seen to-nyight 
Unto young Hamwet; :33 fow, u-upon my wife, 
This spiwit, dumb to us, w-wiww speak to h-him. 
Do you consent we shaww acquaint >w< him with it, 
As nyeedfuw i-in ouw woves, fitting ouw d-duty? 
Wet's d-do't, I pway; and I-I this mownying knyow 
Whewe w-we shaww find him most convenyientwy. :3 Exeunt. 




Scenye II. 
Ewsinyowe. A woom of state in the Castwe. 

Fwouwish. [Entew Cwaudius, King of Denmawk, Gewtwude the Queen, Hamwet, 
Powonyius, Waewtes and h-his xDD sistew Ophewia, [Vowtemand, Cownyewius,] 
uWu Wowds Attendant. 

King. Though yet o-of Hamwet ouw *giggles shyly* deaw bwothew's death 
The memowy be gween, xDD and that it us befitted 
To beaw ouw heawts ^w^ in g-gwief, and ouw whowe :3 kingdom 
To b-be contwacted *shuffles closer* in onye bwow ^-^ of woe, 
Yet so faw hath discwetion fought with n-nyatuwe 
That we with *looks away* wisest sowwow think on him 
>_> Togethew *hugs tightly* with wemembwance of ouwsewves. 
Thewefowe ouw sometime sistew, :3 nyow ouw queen, 
Th' impewiaw j-jointwess to this w-wawwike state, 
Have we, as 'twewe with a d-defeated joy, 
*moans* With a-an auspicious, *blushes* and a dwopping eye, 
W-With miwth in funyewaw, and w-with diwge in mawwiage, 
In equaw scawe weighing dewight and dowe, 
Taken to wife; *shuffles closer* nyow have we hewein baww'd 
*cries* Youw bettew wisdoms, which have fweewy gonye 
With this affaiw *blushes* awong. F-Fow aww, ouw thanks. 
Nyow fowwows, that *sighs* you knyow, young Fowtinbwas, 
Howding *moans* a weak supposaw of ouw wowth, 
Ow thinking b-by ouw wate deaw bwothew's death 
Ouw state to be disjoint and out of fwame, 
Cowweagued w-with >_> this dweam of his advantage, 
He h-hath nyot f-faiw'd t-to pestew :3 us w-with message 
>_< Impowting the *shuffles closer* suwwendew of those wands 
Wost by h-his x3 fathew, w-with *moans* aww bands of waw, 
T-To ouw most vawiant bwothew. So much fow him. 
Nyow *hugs tightly* fow ouwsewf and f-fow this time *notices bulge* of meeting. 
Thus much :3 the businyess is: we have hewe w-wwit 
To N-Nyowway, uncwe x3 of young Fowtinbwas, 
W-Who, impotent and bedwid, scawcewy heaws 
Of this h-his nyephew's puwpose, to >w< suppwess 
*shuffles closer* His fuwthew gait *blushes* hewein, *sweats* in that the wevies, 
The wists, and x3 fuww *blushes* pwopowtions xDD awe aww made 
Out of his subject; a-and we hewe *leans over* dispatch 
You, g-good Cownyewius, and you, Vowtemand, 
Fow beawews of this gweeting to o-owd Nyowway, 
G-Giving to you nyo fuwthew p-pewsonyaw powew 
To *blushes* businyess with the King, mowe than the :33 scope 
Of these diwated awticwes a-awwow. [Gives a papew.] 
F-Faweweww, and wet youw haste commend youw duty. 
C-Cow., Vowt. In *teleports behind you* that, a-and aww things, wiww w-we show ouw duty. 
King. We doubt it nyothing. Heawtiwy faweweww. 
Exeunt Vowtemand and Cownyewius. 
And nyow, Waewtes, what's the nyews with you? 
You t-towd us of some suit. W-What *blushes* is't, Waewtes? 
You cannyot speak of w-weason to the D-Danye 
And wose youw voice. W-What wouwdst thou beg, Waewtes, 
*notices bulge* That shaww nyot be my offew, nyot thy asking? 
The h-head is *cries* nyot mowe nyative to the heawt, 
x3 The hand mowe i-instwumentaw to the *sweats* mouth, 
Than *notices bulge* is the thwonye of Denmawk to thy fathew. 
What wouwdst t-thou have, Waewtes? 
Waew. My dwead wowd, 
Youw weave and favouw t-to w-wetuwn to Fwance; 
Fwom *moans* whence though wiwwingwy >_< I came to Denmawk 
T-To show my d-duty in youw cowonyation, 
Yet nyow I must x3 confess, that duty *leans over* donye, 
My thoughts and w-wishes :3 bend again towawd Fwance 
And bow them t-to youw gwacious weave and pawdon. 
King. Have you youw fathew's weave? What says P-Powonyius? 
Pow. H-He hath, my wowd, wwung fwom me my *notices bulge* swow weave 
By wabouwsome petition, and *sweats* at wast 
Upon his wiww I seaw'd my hawd consent. 
I do beseech you give h-him weave to go. 
King. Take thy faiw houw, Waewtes. Time be thinye, 
And t-thy >w< best *sighs* gwaces s-spend it ^w^ at thy wiww! 
But nyow, m-my cousin *screams* Hamwet, and my s-son- 
Ham. [aside] A ^-^ wittwe mowe than kin, :33 and wess *twerks* than kind! 
King. ^.^ How is it that the c-cwouds *shuffles closer* stiww hang on you? 
Ham. Nyot so, *twerks* my wowd. >_< I am too much i' th' sun. 
>w< Queen. Good Hamwet, c-cast *cuddles you* thy nyighted cowouw off, 
And wet thinye eye wook wike a fwiend on Denmawk. 
Do nyot fow evew *twerks* with t-thy vaiwed wids 
uWu Seek >_< fow thy nyobwe fathew *pokes you* in t-the dust. 
Thou *cuddles you* knyow'st '-'tis common. A-Aww that wives must OwO die, 
Passing thwough nyatuwe t-to etewnyity. 
x3 Ham. Ay, madam, it is *twerks* common. 
Queen. If it be, 
Why seems it s-so pawticuwaw with t-thee? 
Ham. Seems, madam, Nyay, it is. I knyow nyot 'seems.' 
'-'Tis nyot awonye my inky cwoak, good m-mothew, 
Nyow c-customawy suits uWu of sowemn bwack, 
N-Nyow windy suspiwation of fowc'd bweath, 
N-Nyo, nyow the fwuitfuw wivew in the eye, 
Nyow the dejected haviow of x3 the *leans over* visage, 
Togethew with a-aww fowms, m-moods, shapes of gwief, 
'That can denyote me ;;w;; twuwy. These indeed seem, 
Fow t-they awe actions that *giggles shyly* a man m-might pway; 
But >_< I have *hugs tightly* that within w-which passeth show- 
These but the twappings and the s-suits of woe. 
>_> King. 'Tis sweet *cries* and commendabwe in youw nyatuwe, Hamwet, 
To give these mouwnying d-duties *hugs tightly* to youw ;;w;; fathew; 
But *looks away* you must knyow, youw *leans over* fathew *sighs* wost a fathew; 
That fathew :3 wost, wost his, and the suwvivow bound 
In fiwiaw o-obwigation fow some tewm 
To do obsequious sowwow. *cuddles you* But *notices bulge* to pewsevew 
In obstinyate ^.^ condowement *looks away* is a couwse 
>w< Of i-impious stubbownnyess. '-'Tis unmanwy g-gwief; 
It s-shows a wiww most incowwect t-to heaven, 
A heawt unfowtified, a mind impatient, 
An undewstanding simpwe and unschoow'd; 
Fow w-what we knyow must be, and is as common 
:33 As any *teleports behind you* the most vuwgaw thing to sense, 
Why UwU shouwd we >w< in ouw peevish opposition 
Take it to heawt? ^-^ Fie! 'tis *shuffles closer* a fauwt t-to h-heaven, 
A fauwt against t-the dead, a fauwt to *shuffles closer* nyatuwe, 
T-To weason most absuwd, whose common theme 
uWu Is death of fathews, >_< and who stiww ^.^ hath cwied, 
Fwom the UwU fiwst cowse tiww *hugs tightly* he xDD that died to-day, 
*leans over* 'This must be so.' We *sighs* pway *teleports behind you* you thwow *twerks* to eawth 
This uWu unpwevaiwing woe, and think of u-us 
As of a fathew; *cuddles you* fow wet the w-wowwd take nyote 
You awe *hugs tightly* the most immediate t-to ouw t-thwonye, 
And with n-nyo *teleports behind you* wess ;;w;; nyobiwity of wove 
Than that which d-deawest fathew beaws his s-son 
Do I-I impawt towawd you. Fow youw intent 
In going back >w< to schoow i-in Wittenbewg, 
It is most *twerks* wetwogwade to ouw desiwe; 
And w-we beseech *leans over* you, bend you to wemain 
Hewe in the cheew and c-comfowt of ouw e-eye, 
Ouw *sighs* chiefest c-couwtiew, cousin, and o-ouw son. 
Q-Queen. Wet nyot t-thy m-mothew >_< wose h-hew pwayews, H-Hamwet. 
I pway thee stay with us, uWu go nyot to Wittenbewg. 
H-Ham. I shaww in a-aww m-my *notices bulge* best obey you, ^.^ madam. 
King. Why, :33 'tis a w-woving and a-a f-faiw wepwy. 
Be as ouwsewf ^.^ in Denmawk. Madam, come. 
This gentwe and *cries* unfowc'd accowd of >_> Hamwet 
Sits smiwing to my heawt; in gwace w-wheweof, 
Nyo jocund heawth that *blushes* Denmawk dwinks to-day 
But the gweat ^w^ cannyon t-to t-the cwouds *sweats* shaww teww, 
And the King's w-wouse the heaven shaww b-bwuit again, 
Wespeaking eawthwy xDD thundew. Come away. 
Fwouwish. Exeunt aww b-but Hamwet. 
Ham. O that this too t-too s-sowid fwesh wouwd mewt, 
Thaw, >w< and wesowve itsewf i-into a dew! 
Ow that the Evewwasting had nyot fix'd 
His canyon 'gainst sewf-swaughtew! O God! God! 
How *sighs* weawy, stawe, fwat, and unpwofitabwe 
*hugs tightly* Seem ^w^ to me aww the uses of t-this wowwd! 
Fie on't! ah, fie! 'Tis an OwO unweeded gawden 
That gwows t-to seed; things wank and gwoss in nyatuwe 
Possess it *screams* mewewy. That i-it shouwd come :33 to this! 
But two months dead! Nyay, nyot s-so m-much, *looks away* nyot two. 
So excewwent a-a king, >_> that was >_< to this 
uWu Hypewion to a satyw; s-so woving to m-my mothew 
That *giggles shyly* he might nyot beteem the winds of heaven 
Visit hew face too ^w^ woughwy. Heaven and eawth! 
Must >_> I wemembew? W-Why, s-she >_< wouwd hang on him 
As if i-incwease of appetite had *sweats* gwown 
By what it f-fed on; and yet, within a month- 
Wet me nyot think on't! Fwaiwty, thy nyame is woman!- 
A wittwe *giggles shyly* month, ow ewe those shoes wewe o-owd 
With which s-she *giggles shyly* fowwowed my *cries* poow fathew's body 
Wike Nyiobe, aww teaws- why she, even s-she 
*cries* (O God! a beast that wants discouwse of weason 
Wouwd have mouwn'd ^.^ wongew) mawwied with my uncwe; 
My fathew's b-bwothew, but *cries* nyo mowe *giggles shyly* wike my fathew 
Than I to Hewcuwes. Within *cuddles you* a month, 
*leans over* Ewe yet the sawt o-of most unwighteous teaws 
>_> Had weft t-the f-fwushing in hew gawwed eyes, 
She ;;w;; mawwied. *blushes* O, most w-wicked speed, t-to post 
With ^.^ such dextewity to incestuous uWu sheets! 
I-It is nyot, nyow it cannyot come to good. 
But bweak my heawt, fow I-I must howd my tongue! 

Entew Howatio, Mawcewwus, and Bewnyawdo. 

How. Haiw to youw wowdship! 
Ham. I am gwad to s-see you w-weww. 
Howatio!- ow I do fowget mysewf. 
How. The same, my wowd, a-and youw p-poow sewvant *twerks* evew. 
Ham. Siw, my *leans over* good fwiend- I'ww change that nyame w-with you. 
And what make you fwom W-Wittenbewg, Howatio? 
Mawcewwus? 
M-Maw. My g-good wowd! 
Ham. I am vewy gwad to see you.- OwO [To Bewnyawdo] Good even, siw.- 
But w-what, in f-faith, *giggles shyly* make you fwom Wittenbewg? 
How. A twuant disposition, good my wowd. 
Ham. *giggles shyly* I *hugs tightly* wouwd nyot h-heaw youw enyemy *giggles shyly* say so, 
Nyow *notices bulge* shaww you *hugs tightly* do my eaw that v-viowence 
To make it twustew o-of youw o-own wepowt 
A-Against youwsewf. I-I k-knyow y-you awe nyo xDD twuant. 
*looks at you* But what is youw affaiw in Ewsinyowe? 
We'ww teach you to dwink ^-^ deep *teleports behind you* ewe you depawt. 
How. My wowd, I-I came to s-see youw fathew's >_< funyewaw. 
Ham. I pwithee ^w^ do nyot mock me, fewwow student. 
I OwO think it was to see my mothew's wedding. 
How. Indeed, my *screams* wowd, it fowwowed hawd *hugs tightly* upon. 
Ham. Thwift, thwift, Howatio! The funyewaw bak'd meats 
Did cowdwy fuwnyish fowth the mawwiage tabwes. 
x3 Wouwd :3 I *cuddles you* had met my deawest foe *twerks* in heaven 
*teleports behind you* Ow evew I h-had seen that day, *sighs* Howatio! 
My fathew- methinks UwU I >_> see my fathew. 
How. O, whewe, my wowd? 
Ham. In x3 my mind's *notices bulge* eye, Howatio. 
How. I saw him once. He was a goodwy k-king. 
Ham. He was a m-man, take him fow aww >_< in aww. 
I >_< shaww nyot wook upon his wike again. 
^-^ How. My *hugs tightly* wowd, I think I-I saw him yestewnyight. 
Ham. Saw? who? 
How. ^.^ My wowd, the King youw fathew. 
Ham. The King >_< my fathew? 
How. Season *giggles shyly* youw admiwation fow a whiwe 
With an attent eaw, tiww I :33 may dewivew 
*moans* Upon UwU the witnyess of these gentwemen, 
This mawvew to y-you. 
Ham. Fow God's wove wet ^w^ me heaw! 
*screams* How. Two nyights togethew had *cuddles you* these gentwemen 
(Mawcewwus and Bewnyawdo) on theiw watch 
I-In the dead vast and middwe of *cuddles you* the nyight 
Been ^-^ thus encount'wed. A figuwe wike youw fathew, 
Awmed a-at point exactwy, cap-a-pe, 
^.^ Appeaws befowe t-them and with ^-^ sowemn mawch 
Goes swow and statewy by them. Thwice he ^w^ wawk'd 
By theiw oppwess'd and feaw-suwpwised eyes, 
Within *looks away* his t-twuncheon's wength; whiwst they distiww'd 
Awmost to uWu jewwy with the act ^w^ of f-feaw, 
S-Stand dumb *twerks* and speak nyot *screams* to *notices bulge* him. This t-to UwU me 
In *shuffles closer* dweadfuw s-secwecy *hugs tightly* impawt they did, 
*shuffles closer* And I with them the thiwd nyight *sweats* kept the watch; 
Whewe, as *moans* they had dewivew'd, both in time, 
>_> Fowm of the t-thing, each *notices bulge* wowd m-made x3 twue and good, 
The appawition c-comes. I-I *twerks* knyew youw fathew. 
These hands awe nyot m-mowe wike. 
Ham. But whewe *twerks* was this? 
Maw. My wowd, upon the pwatfowm w-whewe we w-watch'd. 
Ham. Did you nyot s-speak ^w^ to i-it? 
How. My wowd, I did; 
But answew uWu made i-it nyonye. Yet once methought 
It w-wifted up it head and d-did :3 addwess 
Itsewf to m-motion, wike as it wouwd speak; 
But even t-then t-the UwU mownying cock cwew woud, 
And a-at the s-sound it shwunk in haste away 
A-And vanyish'd fwom :33 ouw s-sight. 
H-Ham. 'Tis vewy stwange. 
How. A-As I do wive, my honyouw'd wowd, 'tis twue; 
A-And we did think it wwit down *giggles shyly* in ouw duty 
To wet you knyow of it. 
Ham. Indeed, indeed, siws. But this twoubwes me. 
*looks at you* Howd y-you the ^-^ watch to-nyight? 
Both [-[Maw. and Bew.] We do, my wowd. 
Ham. Awm'd, say you? 
Both. Awm'd, my wowd. 
*shuffles closer* Ham. Fwom top to t-toe? 
Both. *shuffles closer* My w-wowd, fwom head to foot. 
xDD Ham. Then saw *cuddles you* you nyot his face? 
H-How. O, *screams* yes, my wowd! He wowe h-his beavew up. 
Ham. What, wook'd >w< he UwU fwownyingwy. 
How. A *looks at you* countenyance mowe in *moans* sowwow than >_< in angew. 
Ham. Pawe ow wed? 
How. Nyay, v-vewy pawe. 
Ham. And fix'd his eyes upon *hugs tightly* you? 
*sighs* How. M-Most *shuffles closer* constantwy. 
Ham. I-I wouwd I had *hugs tightly* been thewe. 
How. It ^-^ wouwd have much amaz'd you. 
H-Ham. Vewy wike, vewy wike. Stay'd it wong? 
How. Whiwe onye with modewate haste might teww a hundwed. 
Both. *twerks* Wongew, wongew. 
How. Nyot when I saw't. 
UwU Ham. H-His beawd w-was g-gwizzwed- >_> nyo? 
H-How. I-It was, as I *looks at you* have seen it in h-his wife, 
A sabwe s-siwvew'd. 
Ham. I *hugs tightly* wiww watch to-nyight. 
Pewchance 'twiww *teleports behind you* wawk again. 
*sighs* How. I waww'nt i-it wiww. 
Ham. *twerks* If it assume my nyobwe fathew's pewson, 
I'ww speak to it, though h-heww itsewf shouwd gape 
And b-bid me *notices bulge* howd my p-peace. I pway you a-aww, 
If you have hithewto conceaw'd this sight, 
Wet it be tenyabwe in youw s-siwence stiww; 
A-And whatsoevew ewse *cries* shaww hap to-nyight, 
Give it a-an u-undewstanding but nyo tongue. 
I wiww wequite youw woves. So, fawe you *shuffles closer* weww. 
Upon t-the pwatfowm, *cries* 'twixt eweven and *moans* twewve, 
x3 I'ww visit you. 
Aww. O-Ouw *sweats* duty to y-youw *twerks* honyouw. 
Ham. Youw woves, as minye to you. Faweweww. 
Exeunt [aww but Hamwet]. 
My fathew's s-spiwit- in awms? Aww i-is nyot weww. 
I doubt s-some fouw *giggles shyly* pway. Wouwd the nyight *leans over* wewe *looks away* come! 
Tiww then sit stiww, m-my souw. Fouw d-deeds wiww wise, 
Though aww the e-eawth o'ewwhewm *cuddles you* them, to men's eyes. 
Exit. 




Scenye III. 
;;w;; Ewsinyowe. A woom in the h-house of Powonyius. 

Entew Waewtes and >w< Ophewia. 

Waew. My nyecessawies awe embawk'd. Faweweww. 
And, *moans* sistew, a-as the winds give benyefit 
And convoy is OwO assistant, do nyot sweep, 
B-But wet me heaw fwom you. 
Oph. D-Do you *giggles shyly* doubt that? 
Waew. *shuffles closer* Fow Hamwet, and the t-twifwing of h-his favouw, 
Howd it a fashion, and a-a toy in bwood; 
A viowet i-in the youth of pwimy *twerks* nyatuwe, 
:3 Fowwawd, nyot pewmanyent- sweet, nyot wasting; 
The pewfume and suppwiance of a *teleports behind you* minyute; 
Nyo mowe. 
Oph. Nyo mowe b-but s-so? 
Waew. Think i-it n-nyo mowe. 
Fow nyatuwe >_> cwescent does nyot gwow awonye 
I-In thews a-and buwk; but *leans over* as t-this tempwe waxes, 
The inwawd sewvice ^.^ of the mind and souw 
xDD Gwows wide withaw. *notices bulge* Pewhaps he woves ^.^ you nyow, 
And n-nyow nyo soiw nyow cautew doth besmiwch 
The v-viwtue of his wiww; but you must feaw, 
H-His g-gweatnyess weigh'd, his wiww is *leans over* nyot h-his own; 
F-Fow he himsewf is *twerks* subject to his biwth. 
He may nyot, as *twerks* unvawued pewsons do, 
Cawve fow himsewf, fow on his choice depends 
T-The safety and heawth of t-this whowe x3 state, 
And OwO thewefowe must his choice b-be ciwcumscwib'd 
Unto the v-voice and yiewding of t-that body 
>w< Wheweof he is t-the *twerks* head. Then UwU if he s-says he woves *moans* you, 
I-It fits youw wisdom so faw to *moans* bewieve it 
As h-he in his *looks at you* pawticuwaw act >_> and pwace 
May g-give his saying deed; w-which is nyo fuwthew 
Than t-the main *shuffles closer* voice of :3 Denmawk goes withaw. 
Then weigh what woss y-youw *looks at you* honyouw m-may sustain 
If *pokes you* with too cwedent eaw you wist his songs, 
Ow >w< wose youw h-heawt, ow y-youw chaste tweasuwe open 
To his *pokes you* unmast'wed *sighs* impowtunyity. 
*giggles shyly* Feaw it, Ophewia, feaw it, my *screams* deaw s-sistew, 
And keep you in the weaw of y-youw affection, 
Out of the shot *teleports behind you* and dangew *pokes you* of UwU desiwe. 
The c-chawiest maid *cuddles you* is pwodigaw *cuddles you* enyough 
If she unmask hew beauty to the moon. 
*notices bulge* Viwtue itsewf *teleports behind you* scopes n-nyot *leans over* cawumnyious stwokes. 
The cankew gawws the infants of the spwing 
*cuddles you* Too *leans over* oft befowe theiw buttons be discwos'd, 
And in the mown and wiquid d-dew of youth 
Contagious bwastments *moans* awe most imminyent. 
Be wawy t-then; best safety wies in feaw. 
Youth to itsewf webews, though ;;w;; nyonye ewse nyeaw. 
Oph. I shaww *shuffles closer* th' e-effect of this good wesson k-keep 
>w< As watchman to my heawt. B-But, g-good my bwothew, 
Do nyot as some ungwacious pastows do, 
Show me the steep a-and thowny way to heaven, 
Whiwes, wike a puff'd and weckwess wibewtinye, 
Himsewf the ;;w;; pwimwose path of dawwiance t-tweads 
And *hugs tightly* wecks nyot h-his own wede. 
W-Waew. O, feaw me nyot! 

Entew Powonyius. 

I stay ;;w;; too :33 wong. But hewe my fathew comes. 
A doubwe bwessing is a doubwe gwace; 
Occasion smiwes upon a second w-weave. 
Pow. Yet hewe, uWu Waewtes? Aboawd, aboawd, fow s-shame! 
The wind s-sits in the shouwdew of youw saiw, 
And you x3 awe stay'd fow. Thewe- my b-bwessing with thee! 
And these f-few pwecepts in thy memowy 
Wook thou chawactew. Give *moans* thy t-thoughts nyo tongue, 
N-Nyow any unpwopowtion'd thought his act. 
B-Be thou famiwiaw, but by nyo means vuwgaw: 
Those fwiends thou hast, and theiw adoption twied, 
Gwappwe them unto >w< thy souw with hoops of s-steew; 
But *cuddles you* do nyot duww thy pawm with entewtainment 
Of each nyew-hatch'd, unfwedg'd ^-^ comwade. Bewawe 
Of >_< entwance to a quawwew; but being in, 
Beaw't t-that *hugs tightly* th' opposed may b-bewawe of thee. 
Give evewy man thinye eaw, b-but few thy voice; 
Take e-each *hugs tightly* man's c-censuwe, but wesewve thy judgment. 
Costwy thy habit xDD as thy p-puwse *giggles shyly* can buy, 
But nyot expwess'd in fancy; wich, nyot gaudy; 
Fow >_> the appawew o-oft pwocwaims the man, 
And ^w^ they in Fwance of the best w-wank and station 
Awe most *cries* sewect a-and g-genyewous, chief in that. 
Nyeithew a bowwowew nyow a wendew be; 
Fow woan oft woses b-both itsewf and f-fwiend, 
And b-bowwowing duwws the edge of husbandwy. 
This above a-aww- to thinye own sewf be twue, 
A-And it *screams* must fowwow, as the n-nyight the day, 
Thou x3 canst nyot then be f-fawse to any man. 
Faweweww. My bwessing season this in thee! 
W-Waew. Most h-humbwy d-do I take m-my weave, m-my wowd. 
Pow. The time invites uWu you. Go, youw s-sewvants tend. 
Waew. Faweweww, Ophewia, ;;w;; and wemembew weww 
What I have said to ^-^ you. 
O-Oph. 'Tis *cries* in my memowy wock'd, 
A-And you y-youwsewf s-shaww keep the key of :3 it. 
Waew. F-Faweweww. Exit. 
Pow. What is't, *looks away* Ophewia, he hath said to you? 
Oph. So *looks away* pwease you, something touching t-the Wowd Hamwet. 
Pow. M-Mawwy, *moans* weww bethought! 
'-'Tis towd me he hath vewy oft of w-wate 
:33 Given pwivate t-time to you, and you youwsewf 
Have of youw audience been most fwee and *shuffles closer* bounteous. 
If it be so- as s-so *cries* 'tis put ^w^ on me, 
And :33 that in way of caution- I-I must teww you 
You do nyot undewstand *pokes you* youwsewf so cweawwy 
;;w;; As it behooves *cries* my d-daughtew and *cuddles you* youw honyouw. 
What is between you? Give me up the twuth. 
Oph. He uWu hath, m-my wowd, of w-wate made many *looks at you* tendews 
O-Of his affection to me. 
Pow. A-Affection? Pooh! You speak wike a gween giww, 
Unsifted in :3 such >w< pewiwous *blushes* ciwcumstance. 
OwO Do you *sighs* bewieve his tendews, as you caww them? 
Oph. I do nyot knyow, my wowd, *teleports behind you* what I shouwd think, 
Pow. Mawwy, I wiww teach you! Think youwsewf a baby 
That you have ta'en t-these tendews fow twue pay, 
W-Which a-awe nyot stewwing. *notices bulge* Tendew youwsewf mowe deawwy, 
O-Ow (nyot to c-cwack the *hugs tightly* wind of >w< the poow phwase, 
Wunnying it thus) you'ww tendew *screams* me a f-foow. 
Oph. My wowd, he hath i-impowtun'd me with w-wove 
In honyouwabwe f-fashion. 
Pow. Ay, f-fashion you xDD may caww it. Go to, go to! 
Oph. And hath g-given countenyance to his speech, m-my OwO wowd, 
With awmost aww UwU the h-howy vows of heaven. 
*twerks* Pow. Ay, spwinges to c-catch woodcocks! :3 I do knyow, 
*hugs tightly* When the bwood *giggles shyly* buwns, *cuddles you* how OwO pwodigaw the souw 
W-Wends the t-tongue vows. These bwazes, daughtew, 
Giving mowe wight than heat, extinct i-in b-both 
*blushes* Even in theiw pwomise, as OwO it is *blushes* a-making, 
You must nyot take fow fiwe. Fwom this time 
Be something scantew of youw maiden pwesence. 
Set youw entweatments at a *sweats* highew wate 
Than a command xDD to pawwey. Fow Wowd Hamwet, 
^w^ Bewieve xDD so much in him, that he is young, 
And w-with a w-wawgew tethew may he wawk 
Than may be given y-you. In few, O-Ophewia, 
Do n-nyot bewieve his vows; *cuddles you* fow they awe bwokews, 
Nyot of *giggles shyly* that d-dye which theiw investments show, 
But mewe impwowatows *hugs tightly* of unhowy suits, 
Bweathing wike sanctified and pious b-bawds, 
The >w< bettew *leans over* to beguiwe. T-This is fow aww: 
I-I wouwd nyot, i-in pwain tewms, fwom this time fowth 
*leans over* Have you so swandew any moment weisuwe 
As to give wowds ow t-tawk w-with the Wowd Hamwet. 
Wook t-to't, I c-chawge *cries* you. C-Come youw w-ways. 
Oph. I-I shaww obey, my wowd. 
Exeunt. 




Scenye >_> IV. 
*twerks* Ewsinyowe. *looks at you* The pwatfowm befowe *screams* the Castwe. 

*pokes you* Entew :33 Hamwet, *looks away* Howatio, and Mawcewwus. 

Ham. The aiw bites shwewdwy; it is vewy cowd. 
How. It i-is a nyipping and ^.^ an eagew aiw. 
Ham. What houw nyow? 
How. I-I think it wacks *blushes* of twewve. 
Maw. Nyo, it is *leans over* stwuck. 
How. Indeed? I heawd it nyot. I-It then d-dwaws *screams* nyeaw the season 
Whewein the s-spiwit hewd his wont to wawk. 
A fwouwish of twumpets, uWu and two pieces go off. 
What does this mean, *sighs* my wowd? 
Ham. The OwO King doth UwU wake to-nyight and takes his w-wouse, 
Keeps wassaiw, a-and the swagg'wing u-upspwing weews, 
And, as he dwains his >_> dwaughts of Whenyish down, 
The kettwedwum *looks away* and twumpet thus b-bway out 
The ^w^ twiumph of his pwedge. 
H-How. Is it a custom? 
H-Ham. Ay, >_< mawwy, *cuddles you* is't; 
*hugs tightly* But t-to *teleports behind you* my mind, though I am nyative hewe 
And *pokes you* to the mannyew bown, it is a custom 
Mowe honyouw'd in the bweach than the obsewvance. 
This heavy-headed wevew east and west 
Makes us twaduc'd and t-tax'd of o-othew nyations; 
They cwip us dwunkawds and with swinyish phwase 
Soiw ouw addition; *twerks* and indeed it takes 
Fwom ouw :3 achievements, though p-pewfowm'd at height, 
T-The pith and *leans over* mawwow of o-ouw :3 attwibute. 
So o-oft it ^.^ chances in pawticuwaw >_< men 
That, fow UwU some v-vicious *blushes* mowe of nyatuwe in them, 
^.^ As in theiw biwth,- whewein they *twerks* awe nyot guiwty, 
Since nyatuwe *cries* cannyot choose his owigin,- 
By the o'ewgwowth of some compwexion, 
Oft bweaking down the *blushes* pawes and fowts of weason, 
Ow by some habit that too much *looks at you* o'ewweavens 
The fowm of pwausive mannyews, that these men 
Cawwying, I say, t-the stamp of onye defect, 
Being *giggles shyly* nyatuwe's wivewy, ow fowtunye's *looks at you* staw, 
Theiw viwtues ewse- be ^.^ they as puwe as gwace, 
As infinyite a-as man may *sighs* undewgo- 
Shaww UwU in t-the *moans* genyewaw censuwe take cowwuption 
Fwom that pawticuwaw fauwt. The dwam of ;;w;; e'iw 
Doth a-aww the nyobwe substance often dout To h-his own scandaw. 

*cuddles you* Entew Ghost. 

How. W-Wook, *twerks* my wowd, it comes! 
Ham. Angews and minyistews of gwace defend *leans over* us! 
Be thou *notices bulge* a spiwit *giggles shyly* of heawth ow gobwin *pokes you* damn'd, 
Bwing :33 with thee aiws f-fwom heaven ow b-bwasts fwom heww, 
Be t-thy intents wicked ow chawitabwe, 
Thou com'st in such a questionyabwe shape 
That I wiww speak to thee. I'ww caww thee Hamwet, 
King, fathew, :33 woyaw Danye. O-O, answew me? 
W-Wet me nyot buwst *notices bulge* in i-ignyowance, but teww 
W-Why thy canyonyiz'd bonyes, heawsed in ^-^ death, 
Have buwst t-theiw cewements; why the sepuwchwe 
Whewein we saw thee quietwy i-inyuwn'd, 
>w< Hath op'd his pondewous and mawbwe jaws 
To cast t-thee up again. What may this m-mean 
That thou, dead cowse, again *blushes* in compwete steew, 
Wevisits thus the gwimpses of t-the moon, 
Making nyight hideous, *hugs tightly* and we foows of *leans over* nyatuwe 
>w< So howwidwy to shake ouw disposition 
*cuddles you* With t-thoughts beyond *cries* the :33 weaches of ouw souws? 
Say, ^-^ why is this? whewefowe? What shouwd we ^-^ do? 
Ghost beckons Hamwet. 
How. It beckons you t-to go away with >_> it, 
As if it some impawtment did *sighs* desiwe 
To you awonye. 
Maw. Wook with what *leans over* couwteous a-action 
It *giggles shyly* waves ^.^ you to a-a mowe wemoved gwound. 
But *sighs* do nyot go with it! 
How. Nyo, *screams* by n-nyo means! 
Ham. It wiww :3 nyot speak. Then *moans* wiww I fowwow *moans* it. 
*notices bulge* How. Do n-nyot, my wowd! 
Ham. Why, *giggles shyly* what shouwd >w< be the feaw? 
I d-do nyot set my wife at a pin's fee; 
And fow my souw, what can it *twerks* do to that, 
^.^ Being a thing immowtaw as itsewf? 
It waves me fowth a-again. I'ww fowwow i-it. 
How. What if it tempt you towawd t-the fwood, my wowd, 
Ow to the dweadfuw summit o-of *giggles shyly* the cwiff 
T-That beetwes o'ew his b-base i-into *screams* the sea, 
And thewe a-assume some othew, howwibwe fowm 
;;w;; Which might depwive youw s-soveweignty of weason 
And dwaw :33 you into madnyess? Think of *sweats* it. 
The vewy *leans over* pwace puts ^w^ toys of ;;w;; despewation, 
*shuffles closer* Without *sighs* mowe motive, into evewy bwain 
That *giggles shyly* wooks *looks away* so *looks away* many fadoms to t-the sea 
And h-heaws it w-woaw benyeath. 
*cries* Ham. It waves me s-stiww. 
Go on. I'ww fowwow thee. 
xDD Maw. You shaww *sweats* nyot go, OwO my wowd. 
Ham. Howd off ^-^ youw *leans over* hands! 
*screams* How. Be wuw'd. You shaww nyot go. 
H-Ham. My fate cwies out 
And makes each p-petty awtiwe in this body 
As hawdy as *looks at you* the Nyemean wion's *looks away* nyewve. 
[Ghost beckons.] 
S-Stiww OwO am I ^w^ caww'd. Unhand >_< me, gentwemen. 
By heaven, I'ww make a ghost of him that wets me!- 
*cuddles you* I say, away!- Go on. I'ww fowwow thee. 
Exeunt Ghost and Hamwet. 
How. He waxes ;;w;; despewate with i-imaginyation. 
Maw. Wet's fowwow. 'Tis n-nyot fit thus to obey him. 
How. H-Have aftew. T-To what issue waiw t-this come? 
xDD Maw. Something is wotten i-in t-the s-state of Denmawk. 
How. H-Heaven *blushes* wiww diwect it. 
Maw. Nyay, wet's *sweats* fowwow him. 
Exeunt. 




Scenye V. 
Ewsinyowe. The Castwe. Anyothew pawt of the fowtifications. 

Entew Ghost and Hamwet. 

uWu Ham. Whithew *sweats* wiwt uWu thou wead me? Speak! I'ww >w< go nyo fuwthew. 
Ghost. M-Mawk me. 
Ham. I wiww. 
Ghost. My houw is awmost c-come, 
When *screams* I to suwph'wous and towmenting fwames 
>_< Must wendew u-up mysewf. 
*looks away* Ham. Awas, poow ghost! 
Ghost. uWu Pity me nyot, >w< but w-wend thy sewious heawing 
To what I *screams* shaww unfowd. 
Ham. Speak. I am bound to UwU heaw. 
Ghost. So a-awt thou to wevenge, when thou shawt heaw. 
Ham. What? 
Ghost. *giggles shyly* I am thy fathew's spiwit, 
D-Doom'd fow a cewtain tewm to wawk ^w^ the nyight, 
And fow x3 the d-day confin'd to fast *sweats* in fiwes, 
Tiww the fouw cwimes donye in my *teleports behind you* days of nyatuwe 
;;w;; Awe b-buwnt >_< and puwg'd away. But that I a-am f-fowbid 
To teww the secwets *looks away* of my pwison house, 
I *giggles shyly* couwd a tawe unfowd whose wightest wowd 
Wouwd hawwow up thy *teleports behind you* souw, fweeze thy young bwood, 
Make thy two eyes, wike staws, stawt OwO fwom theiw s-sphewes, 
:33 Thy knyotted and c-combinyed wocks to pawt, 
And each pawticuwaw h-haiw to s-stand an end 
Wike quiwws upon the fwetfuw p-powpentinye. 
But this e-etewnyaw bwazon must nyot be 
To eaws o-of fwesh and bwood. >_< Wist, wist, O, wist! 
If t-thou didst evew thy deaw fathew ^.^ wove- 
Ham. O God! 
G-Ghost. Wevenge his fouw and most unnyatuwaw m-muwthew. 
*hugs tightly* Ham. M-Muwthew? 
Ghost. M-Muwthew most fouw, as *blushes* in t-the *hugs tightly* best it is; 
B-But this most fouw, stwange, and ^w^ unnyatuwaw. 
Ham. Haste me to knyow't, that I-I, with wings as s-swift 
As meditation ow the >w< thoughts of wove, 
May s-sweep to my *cuddles you* wevenge. 
Ghost. I find thee apt; 
And duwwew s-shouwdst thou be than the *leans over* fat weed 
T-That wots itsewf in ease on Wethe whawf, 
uWu Wouwdst thou nyot stiw in this. Nyow, Hamwet, heaw. 
'Tis g-given out that, sweeping *shuffles closer* in my owchawd, 
A sewpent *cuddles you* stung m-me. So t-the whowe eaw of Denmawk 
Is by a fowged pwocess of my death 
Wankwy abus'd. *teleports behind you* But knyow, thou nyobwe youth, 
The sewpent that d-did sting thy fathew's w-wife 
Nyow weaws h-his cwown. 
Ham. O-O my pwophetic souw! 
My uncwe? 
Ghost. Ay, ^w^ that incestuous, *teleports behind you* that aduwtewate ^w^ beast, 
With w-witchcwaft of his wit, with twaitowous gifts- 
O wicked wit and g-gifts, that have the powew 
So to >w< seduce!- w-won to his shamefuw wust 
The wiww of my most seeming-viwtuous q-queen. 
O Hamwet, what a f-fawwing-off was thewe, 
x3 Fwom me, whose wove was of that dignyity 
That *cries* it w-went hand in >_< hand even w-with :33 the vow 
I made t-to hew in mawwiage, and to decwinye 
Upon a ;;w;; wwetch whose nyatuwaw gifts wewe poow 
To those of minye! 
But viwtue, xDD as it nyevew wiww be mov'd, 
;;w;; Though wewdnyess couwt i-it uWu in *notices bulge* a shape of heaven, 
So wust, t-though to a wadiant angew wink'd, 
Wiww sate i-itsewf in a cewestiaw bed 
A-And pwey *looks away* on gawbage. 
But soft! methinks I scent the mownying aiw. 
*cries* Bwief wet me be. Sweeping within my owchawd, 
My custom awways of ^-^ the *hugs tightly* aftewnyoon, 
Upon my secuwe houw t-thy *sweats* uncwe stowe, 
With juice of cuwsed hebonya in a viaw, 
And in the powches of *notices bulge* my eaws did pouw 
The wepewous distiwment; x3 whose effect 
Howds UwU such an enmity *cuddles you* with bwood of man 
>_< That *sighs* swift as quicksiwveww it couwses thwough 
The nyatuwaw gates and awweys o-of the body, 
A-And with ^w^ a sudden vigouw it doth posset 
And *giggles shyly* cuwd, wike *sighs* eagew dwoppings into miwk, 
The thin and whowesome b-bwood. *pokes you* So did *notices bulge* it minye; 
And a most instant t-tettew bawk'd about, 
M-Most wazaw-wike, with viwe and woathsome *hugs tightly* cwust 
Aww my smooth x3 body. 
Thus w-was I, sweeping, by a >_< bwothew's hand 
Of wife, of cwown, of queen, *teleports behind you* at once dispatch'd; 
Cut off even in the bwossoms of my sin, 
Unhous'wed, *leans over* disappointed, unyanyew'd, 
Nyo weckonying made, but sent to my account 
With aww my impewfections on my head. 
Ham. O, howwibwe! O, OwO howwibwe! most howwibwe! 
Ghost. If thou hast n-nyatuwe *shuffles closer* in thee, >_< beaw it *blushes* nyot. 
Wet nyot *blushes* the woyaw b-bed of Denmawk be 
A couch fow *blushes* wuxuwy a-and damnyed incest. 
But, howsoevew t-thou puwsuest this act, 
Taint *sweats* nyot t-thy mind, nyow wet x3 thy xDD souw contwive 
A-Against thy mothew *teleports behind you* aught. Weave hew to heaven, 
A-And to those thowns that in hew bosom wodge 
T-To pwick and *shuffles closer* sting hew. Fawe thee weww at once. 
The gwowwowm shows the matin to be nyeaw 
And gins to pawe his u-unyeffectuaw fiwe. 
Adieu, adieu, *twerks* adieu! Wemembew m-me. Exit. 
Ham. O aww you host of heaven! *teleports behind you* O eawth! W-What ewse? 
And shaww I >_> coupwe heww? Howd, howd, my heawt! 
And you, ^.^ my sinyews, gwow nyot *sighs* instant owd, 
But >_< beaw me stiffwy up. Wemembew thee? 
Ay, *giggles shyly* thou p-poow ghost, whiwe memowy *shuffles closer* howds a seat 
*pokes you* In x3 this d-distwacted gwobe. *shuffles closer* Wemembew thee? 
Yea, fwom the tabwe of my memowy 
>_> I'ww wipe away aww twiviaw fond wecowds, 
*notices bulge* Aww saws *cries* of books, aww f-fowms, a-aww pwessuwes past 
*sweats* That youth and o-obsewvation copied thewe, 
And thy *giggles shyly* commandment aww awonye shaww wive 
Within the book and vowume o-of my bwain, 
Unmix'd *looks away* with basew mattew. Yes, by *sighs* heaven! 
O-O most pewnyicious woman! 
O viwwain, v-viwwain, smiwing, damnyed uWu viwwain! 
My tabwes! Meet it is I set it down 
That onye uWu may smiwe, and smiwe, a-and be a viwwain; 
A-At weast *moans* I am suwe ^.^ it m-may be so in Denmawk. *sweats* [Wwites.] 
S-So, uncwe, thewe you awe. Nyow t-to my wowd: 
It i-is 'Adieu, adieu! W-Wemembew me.' 
>_< I have swown't. 
How. (within) My wowd, my *hugs tightly* wowd! 

Entew *moans* Howatio and Mawcewwus. 

Maw. Wowd Hamwet! 
How. Heaven secuwe him! 
*pokes you* Ham. x3 So *screams* be it! 
Maw. *screams* Iwwo, ho, ho, *moans* my wowd! 
*hugs tightly* Ham. H-Hiwwo, ho, ho, boy! Come, biwd, come. 
*sighs* Maw. How is't, *cuddles you* my nyobwe wowd? 
H-How. What nyews, my wowd? 
Maw. O-O, wondewfuw! 
How. *leans over* Good my wowd, teww it. 
Ham. N-Nyo, you wiww *moans* weveaw it. 
How. *twerks* Nyot I-I, my wowd, by ^-^ heaven! 
Maw. Nyow I-I, my wowd. 
Ham. xDD How say y-you *notices bulge* then? Wouwd heawt of man once think it? 
But you'ww *screams* be secwet? 
Both. Ay, by heaven, my wowd. 
H-Ham. Thewe's nyeew a viwwain dwewwing in aww Denmawk 
But he's an a-awwant knyave. 
How. Thewe nyeeds nyo ghost, m-my *screams* wowd, come fwom the g-gwave 
To teww us this. 
H-Ham. UwU Why, wight! You awe ^-^ in t-the w-wight! 
And so, without mowe ciwcumstance at a-aww, 
I howd it f-fit that we shake hands and pawt; 
*cries* You, :3 as youw b-businyess and desiwes shaww point you, 
Fow *blushes* evewy xDD man *screams* hath businyess and d-desiwe, 
Such as it is; and f-fow *screams* my own ^-^ poow pawt, 
Wook you, I'ww :3 go pway. 
How. These OwO awe but wiwd and whiwwing wowds, my wowd. 
Ham. I am sowwy they offend you, heawtiwy; 
Y-Yes, faith, h-heawtiwy. 
How. T-Thewe's nyo offence, my wowd. 
Ham. Yes, *cries* by S-Saint Patwick, but *leans over* thewe is, Howatio, 
And much offence too. T-Touching ^-^ this vision hewe, 
*shuffles closer* It is an honyest ghost, that wet me teww you. 
F-Fow *giggles shyly* youw desiwe t-to k-knyow *sweats* what is between us, 
O'ewmastew't as you may. And nyow, good fwiends, 
As you awe fwiends, schowaws, and *leans over* sowdiews, 
Give me onye poow wequest. 
How. >_> What is't, my wowd? We wiww. 
Ham. *blushes* Nyevew *blushes* make knyown what you have seen to-nyight. 
:33 Both. *twerks* My wowd, *moans* we wiww nyot. 
H-Ham. Nyay, *teleports behind you* but s-sweaw't. 
H-How. In f-faith, 
M-My wowd, nyot I. 
Maw. Nyow *sighs* I, my wowd- in faith. 
Ham. Upon m-my swowd. 
Maw. We have swown, m-my wowd, awweady. 
*blushes* Ham. *leans over* Indeed, upon my swowd, i-indeed. 

Ghost cwies ;;w;; undew the stage. 

Ghost. Sweaw. 
Ham. Aha b-boy, say'st *leans over* thou so? >w< Awt t-thou thewe, *sweats* twuepenny? 
Come on! *notices bulge* You heaw this *teleports behind you* fewwow in the cewwawage. 
Consent to sweaw. 
How. Pwopose the oath, my wowd. 
Ham. N-Nyevew to speak of this that you have seen. 
Sweaw by ^w^ my swowd. 
Ghost. [benyeath] :33 Sweaw. 
H-Ham. H-Hic et ubique? T-Then we'ww shift ouw g-gwound. 
Come hithew, gentwemen, 
And way youw hands again upon my swowd. 
Nyevew to speak of this that you have h-heawd: 
S-Sweaw by my s-swowd. 
Ghost. [benyeath] Sweaw by his swowd. 
H-Ham. Weww said, owd mowe! Canst wowk i-i' th' e-eawth so fast? 
A-A wowthy pionyew! Once mowe wemove, *giggles shyly* good fwiends." 
How. O day and nyight, but t-this i-is wondwous stwange! 
Ham. And thewefowe as *cries* a stwangew give it wewcome. 
Thewe awe m-mowe xDD things in h-heaven and eawth, Howatio, 
Than awe dweamt of in youw phiwosophy. 
But come! 
Hewe, a-as befowe, n-nyevew, so hewp you mewcy, 
How stwange ow odd soe'ew *sweats* I beaw m-mysewf 
(As I pewchance heweaftew shaww think m-meet 
:33 To put an antic disposition on), 
^.^ That y-you, at such times seeing me, nyevew shaww, 
With awms encumb'wed t-thus, ow *looks away* this head-shake, 
Ow *cries* by pwonyouncing of some doubtfuw phwase, 
As 'Weww, weww, we xDD knyow,' ow 'We couwd, UwU an if we :33 wouwd,' 
Ow 'If we *sweats* wist to speak,' o-ow *sweats* 'Thewe be, xDD an if they might,' 
Ow such ambiguous giving out, to nyote 
That you knyow aught of me- *screams* this ;;w;; is nyot *cuddles you* to do, 
So g-gwace and mewcy at youw most n-nyeed hewp you, 
*screams* Sweaw. 
Ghost. [benyeath] Sweaw. 
*sweats* [They sweaw.] 
Ham. West, west, pewtuwbed spiwit! S-So, gentwemen, 
W-With aww xDD my wove I d-do commend me to you; 
And what so poow a man as Hamwet is 
May do t' expwess his *cuddles you* wove and fwiending to y-you, 
God wiwwing, s-shaww nyot *notices bulge* wack. Wet us go in togethew; 
And stiww youw fingews on youw wips, I pway. 
T-The xDD time is out of joint. O cuwsed *sighs* spite 
That evew *moans* I was bown to set OwO it wight! 
Nyay, come, w-wet's go togethew. 
Exeunt. 




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A-Act >_< II. S-Scenye I. 
Ewsinyowe. A woom *cries* in t-the house *looks at you* of Powonyius. 

Entew Powonyius and Weynyawdo. 

Pow. Give him t-this m-monyey uWu and these nyotes, Weynyawdo. 
Wey. I wiww, my wowd. 
Pow. You s-shaww do mawveww's w-wisewy, good Weynyawdo, 
Befowe You visit him, to make inquiwe 
Of his UwU behaviouw. 
Wey. My wowd, I *blushes* did intend it. 
Pow. x3 Mawwy, weww said, vewy weww said. Wook y-you, s-siw, 
Enquiwe me :33 fiwst what Danskews awe in xDD Pawis; 
A-And how, and who, >_> what means, and whewe they keep, 
W-What *giggles shyly* company, a-at what expense; and finding 
B-By this encompassment a-and dwift of question 
That they do knyow my son, come you *teleports behind you* mowe n-nyeawew 
Than youw pawticuwaw demands wiww touch it. 
T-Take you, as 'twewe, some distant knyowwedge of him; 
As thus, 'I knyow his fathew and his fwiends, 
And i-in p-pawt ^w^ him.' Do you mawk this, Weynyawdo? 
Wey. Ay, vewy weww, my *blushes* wowd. 
P-Pow. 'And in pawt him, but,' you m-may say, 'nyot weww. 
But if't be he *hugs tightly* I mean, he's uWu vewy wiwd 
Addicted so :3 and *twerks* so'; and thewe put on him 
What *shuffles closer* fowgewies you pwease; mawwy, nyonye so wank 
A-As may dishonyouw him- take *giggles shyly* heed of that; 
But, siw, such wanton, w-wiwd, and usuaw swips 
As awe companyions nyoted and *blushes* most k-knyown 
To youth and *giggles shyly* wibewty. 
Wey. >w< As gaming, m-my wowd. 
Pow. Ay, ow dwinking, fencing, sweawing, quawwewwing, 
Dwabbing. You may go so f-faw. 
Wey. :33 My w-wowd, that wouwd dishonyouw him. 
Pow. F-Faith, nyo, as you may season it in the c-chawge. 
You must nyot p-put a-anyothew *twerks* scandaw on him, 
That he *pokes you* is open to incontinyency. 
That's nyot my m-meanying. B-But bweathe his fauwts so quaintwy 
That they may seem the >_< taints of >_> wibewty, 
The fwash a-and outbweak of a fiewy mind, 
A *screams* savagenyess xDD in u-unwecwaimed bwood, 
Of genyewaw assauwt. 
Wey. B-But, my good wowd- 
Pow. Whewefowe shouwd y-you do this? 
Wey. Ay, my w-wowd, 
I-I wouwd knyow that. 
Pow. Mawwy, siw, hewe's my dwift, 
And I *twerks* bewieve it is a fetch of wawwant. 
*teleports behind you* You *looks away* waying *teleports behind you* these swight *twerks* suwwies on m-my son 
As 'twewe a thing a wittwe soiw'd >_< i' th' wowking, 
Mawk you, 
Youw *teleports behind you* pawty in convewse, him y-you wouwd sound, 
Having evew seen *looks at you* in the pwenyominyate cwimes 
The youth you *screams* bweathe of guiwty, b-be assuw'd 
He cwoses with y-you in this consequence: 
'Good :3 siw,' ow so, ow 'fwiend,' UwU ow 'gentweman'- 
Accowding to the phwase ow the addition 
*pokes you* Of man and countwy- 
Wey. Vewy good, my wowd. 
P-Pow. And then, siw, does 'a this- 'a d-does- What was *leans over* I about to say? 
By the mass, I was *screams* about *cries* to s-say *shuffles closer* something! Whewe did I weave? 
Wey. At 'cwoses in the consequence,' at 'fwiend ow *moans* so,' a-and 
gentweman.' 
Pow. >w< At 'cwoses in the consequence'- Ay, m-mawwy! 
He cwoses thus: *sighs* 'I uWu knyow the g-gentweman. 
I saw him yestewday, ow t'othew d-day, 
O-Ow then, ow t-then, with such ^-^ ow s-such; and, as you say, 
Thewe was :3 'a gaming; *pokes you* thewe o'ewtook in's wouse; 
Thewe fawwing out at t-tennyis'; *twerks* ow pewchance, 
'I saw him entew such :3 a house of sawe,' 
Videwicet, a bwothew, ow so fowth. 
See you nyow- 
Youw bait of fawsehood takes *moans* this cawp of t-twuth; 
And t-thus do w-we of *cuddles you* wisdom and o-of weach, 
W-With windwasses and with assays of bias, 
By i-indiwections find d-diwections out. 
So, by my fowmew wectuwe and advice, 
S-Shaww you m-my son. You have *hugs tightly* me, *leans over* have you nyot 
*leans over* Wey. *pokes you* My wowd, I have. 
Pow. God ;;w;; b' wi' ye, fawe ye *screams* weww! 
*giggles shyly* Wey. Good UwU my wowd! [Going.] 
Pow. Obsewve his incwinyation in youwsewf. 
Wey. I shaww, uWu my wowd. 
*pokes you* Pow. And wet him pwy ^w^ his music. 
Wey. W-Weww, my wowd. 
Pow. Faweweww! 
Exit *blushes* Weynyawdo. 

E-Entew Ophewia. 

How nyow, *twerks* Ophewia? *moans* What's the mattew? 
Oph. O my wowd, my wowd, I have been so affwighted! 
Pow. With *twerks* what, i' th' nyame of God I 
Oph. My w-wowd, as I was sewing in my cwoset, 
Wowd Hamwet, with his doubwet aww unbwac'd, 
Nyo hat upon his head, h-his stockings fouw'd, 
Ungawt'wed, and down-gyved t-to xDD his ankwe; 
Pawe *shuffles closer* as his s-shiwt, his knyees x3 knyocking each othew, 
And *cuddles you* with a wook so ^-^ piteous >_> in p-puwpowt 
As if *notices bulge* he had been woosed out of heww 
UwU To speak o-of howwows- he comes befowe me. 
Pow. Mad fow thy wove? 
Oph. My wowd, I do nyot knyow, 
But twuwy I do feaw it. 
Pow. What *sighs* said he? 
Oph. ^w^ He took m-me by the wwist and hewd me hawd; 
*looks at you* Then goes he to the *teleports behind you* wength >w< of aww his awm, 
And, with his othew hand thus o'ew his bwow, 
He fawws to such pewusaw of my face 
As he w-wouwd dwaw it. Wong stay'd he s-so. 
At wast, *pokes you* a wittwe s-shaking of ^.^ minye awm, 
And thwice his *giggles shyly* head >_< thus waving u-up and down, 
He wais'd a s-sigh so piteous and *moans* pwofound 
As it did seem t-to shattew aww >_< his buwk 
And end his b-being. *teleports behind you* That donye, he wets me go, 
A-And with his head ovew his shouwdew tuwn'd 
He seem'd ;;w;; to find ^w^ his way :33 without his e-eyes, 
Fow out o' doows he w-went without theiw hewp 
And to t-the wast bended theiw wight on me. 
Pow. Come, go w-with me. *screams* I w-wiww go s-seek the King. 
This is the vewy ecstasy of wove, 
*leans over* Whose viowent *notices bulge* pwopewty fowdoes >w< itsewf 
And weads the wiww to *teleports behind you* despewate u-undewtakings 
As oft as any passion undew heaven 
That does affwict ouw nyatuwes. I am >_> sowwy. 
What, *twerks* have you given him any hawd wowds of wate? 
Oph. Nyo, my good wowd; but, as *teleports behind you* you did c-command, 
I did wepew his wettews *sweats* and denyied 
His access to me. 
Pow. That hath made him mad. 
I am sowwy that with b-bettew heed and judgment 
^w^ I had nyot quoted him. I *moans* feaw'd *cuddles you* he *looks away* did but twifwe 
And meant ^w^ to wwack thee; but beshwew my jeawousy! 
By heaven, *looks at you* it is a-as pwopew to ouw >_< age 
T-To *sighs* cast *twerks* beyond ouwsewves i-in ouw opinyions 
As it i-is *sweats* common fow the youngew sowt 
To wack discwetion. Come, go we to *blushes* the King. 
This must b-be knyown; which, being kept cwose, might move 
*looks at you* Mowe gwief to hide than hate to uttew wove. 
Come. 
Exeunt. 

Scenye II. 
Ewsinyowe. A woom i-in >_< the Castwe. 

Fwouwish. [Entew K-King and Queen, W-Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn, cum >_> awiis. 

King. W-Wewcome, d-deaw Wosencwantz UwU and Guiwdenstewn. 
Moweovew that *teleports behind you* we much did wong to see you, 
The *sighs* nyeed we have to use y-you did *notices bulge* pwovoke 
Ouw h-hasty >w< sending. Something have you h-heawd 
Of H-Hamwet's twansfowmation. S-So OwO I caww it, 
Sith nyow *teleports behind you* th' extewiow >_> nyow the inwawd man 
Wesembwes that i-it w-was. What it shouwd be, 
Mowe than his fathew's ^-^ death, that thus hath put h-him 
uWu So much fwom th' undewstanding of himsewf, 
I cannyot dweam of. I entweat you both 
x3 That, *hugs tightly* being of UwU so young c-cways bwought u-up with him, 
And since so *looks at you* nyeighbouw'd to his youth and haviouw, 
That you >_< vouchsafe youw west hewe in ouw couwt 
Some wittwe time; so by *sighs* youw companyies 
T-To dwaw h-him on to *cries* pweasuwes, a-and to gathew 
So much as *moans* fwom occasion y-you may gwean, 
Whethew aught to us unknyown affwicts him thus 
*sweats* That, open'd, wies within ouw w-wemedy. 
Q-Queen. Good gentwemen, he hath much tawk'd of you, 
And suwe I am *cries* two men thewe awe n-nyot wiving 
To whom he mowe adhewes. If it wiww p-pwease you 
To show u-us so much g-gentwy and good w-wiww 
As t-to expend youw time with us awhiwe 
Fow the suppwy and pwofit of o-ouw hope, 
Youw visitation shaww *sweats* weceive such thanks 
As uWu fits a king's wemembwance. 
Wos. *sighs* Both youw Majesties 
Might, by t-the soveweign powew you have of us, 
Put youw dwead *giggles shyly* pweasuwes mowe into c-command 
Than to entweaty. 
>_> Guiw. *twerks* But we b-both obey, 
*screams* And hewe uWu give *sweats* up ouwsewves, in the fuww bent, 
To :3 way ouw sewvice fweewy *hugs tightly* at *pokes you* youw feet, 
T-To be *moans* commanded. 
King. Thanks, Wosencwantz and gentwe Guiwdenstewn. 
Queen. *sweats* Thanks, Guiwdenstewn and gentwe *teleports behind you* Wosencwantz. 
And I ;;w;; beseech you instantwy to visit 
My too *looks at you* much changed son.- G-Go, some of *moans* you, 
And bwing *hugs tightly* these gentwemen whewe Hamwet i-is. 
Guiw. Heavens make ouw pwesence *hugs tightly* and ouw pwactices 
Pweasant and hewpfuw to him! 
Queen. Ay, amen! 
Exeunt Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn, [with some 
Attendants]. 

Entew Powonyius. 

Pow. *twerks* Th' ambassadows fwom Nyowway, my *notices bulge* good wowd, 
Awe joyfuwwy wetuwn'd. 
King. Thou stiww hast been the fathew of *cuddles you* good nyews. 
Pow. Have I, m-my wowd? Assuwe you, my good wiege, 
>_< I *sweats* howd my duty as I-I howd my souw, 
Both to my God and to my gwacious king; 
And I do think- ow ewse this bwain of minye 
Hunts nyot the twaiw o-of powicy so *blushes* suwe 
As it ^-^ hath uWu us'd to d-do- t-that I have found 
The vewy cause o-of Hamwet's wunyacy. 
K-King. O, speak of that! That do I wong to heaw. 
Pow. Give fiwst a-admittance to th' ambassadows. 
M-My n-nyews shaww be *leans over* the fwuit to that gweat feast. 
*hugs tightly* King. Thysewf d-do g-gwace to them, and bwing them in. 
[Exit Powonyius.] 
*cries* He tewws me, my deaw G-Gewtwude, he hath found 
The :33 head and souwce uWu of aww youw son's d-distempew. 
Queen. I doubt *teleports behind you* it is n-nyo othew but the main, 
His fathew's d-death and ouw o-o'ewhasty mawwiage. 
King. Weww, we shaww xDD sift him. 

Entew P-Powonyius, *screams* Vowtemand, *screams* and Cownyewius. 

*giggles shyly* Wewcome, m-my good fwiends. 
Say, >w< Vowtemand, what f-fwom ouw bwothew Nyowway? 
Vowt. Most faiw wetuwn *giggles shyly* of gweetings and *cuddles you* desiwes. 
U-Upon ouw fiwst, he sent out to suppwess 
His nyephew's wevies; which to him *shuffles closer* appeaw'd 
To be uWu a pwepawation 'gainst the Powack, 
But ^-^ bettew x3 wook'd i-into, he twuwy found 
It was against youw Highnyess; wheweat gwiev'd, 
:3 That so h-his sicknyess, age, and i-impotence 
W-Was fawsewy bownye in hand, sends *cuddles you* out a-awwests 
On Fowtinbwas; which he, in bwief, obeys, 
Weceives webuke f-fwom Nyowway, and, in finye, 
*teleports behind you* Makes vow befowe his uncwe nyevew mowe 
*notices bulge* To give :3 th' *hugs tightly* assay of awms against >_> youw Majesty. 
Wheweon owd Nyowway, ovewcome with joy, 
Gives *sighs* him thwee thousand cwowns i-in *notices bulge* annyuaw fee 
And >_> his commission to empwoy those sowdiews, 
*giggles shyly* So wevied as befowe, against the Powack; 
With an entweaty, hewein fuwthew shown, 
[-[Gives *twerks* a papew.] 
That it might pwease you xDD to give quiet *pokes you* pass 
T-Thwough youw dominyions f-fow this entewpwise, 
On s-such wegawds of safety a-and awwowance 
As thewein awe s-set down. 
King. It wikes us weww; 
And at ouw mowe considew'd time we'ww wead, 
A-Answew, and think upon this businyess. 
Meantime we thank you fow youw weww-took >w< wabouw. 
Go to youw west; a-at n-nyight we'ww feast togethew. 
Most wewcome h-home! Exeunt Ambassadows. 
P-Pow. *looks away* This businyess is w-weww *hugs tightly* ended. 
My w-wiege, >w< and madam, t-to expostuwate 
What majesty shouwd be, what duty is, 
:3 Why day is ;;w;; day, nyight is nyight, and time is *shuffles closer* time. 
Wewe nyothing but to waste nyight, *looks at you* day, and time. 
Thewefowe, since bwevity is the souw of wit, 
And tediousnyess t-the wimbs and outwawd fwouwishes, 
I wiww be bwief. Youw nyobwe son *cuddles you* is *notices bulge* mad. 
*sighs* Mad c-caww I it; fow, to definye twue madnyess, 
What is't but to be nyothing ewse but mad? 
>w< But wet that go. 
Queen. Mowe x3 mattew, with w-wess awt. 
Pow. M-Madam, I sweaw *cuddles you* I use nyo awt a-at aww. 
That *giggles shyly* he is mad, 'tis twue: 'tis twue 'tis pity; 
And pity 'tis 'tis twue. A foowish figuwe! 
*cuddles you* But *pokes you* faweweww it, *notices bulge* fow *twerks* I wiww use xDD nyo awt. 
*cries* Mad wet us gwant him then. *screams* And nyow wemains 
That we *cries* find out *shuffles closer* the cause of t-this *leans over* effect- 
Ow wathew say, the cause of this defect, 
Fow t-this effect d-defective comes *cuddles you* by cause. 
Thus it wemains, and the *hugs tightly* wemaindew thus. 
Pewpend. 
I have a daughtew (have whiwe she i-is *notices bulge* minye), 
*moans* Who i-in hew duty and obedience, mawk, 
H-Hath given me t-this. Nyow gathew, and suwmise. 
[-[Weads] the wettew. 
'To the cewestiaw, and my souw's idow, the most beautified 
Ophewia,'- 

That's an iww *shuffles closer* phwase, a viwe phwase; 'beautified' is >w< a viwe 
phwase. 
But you shaww heaw. Thus: 
[Weads.] 
'In hew excewwent w-white bosom, these, &c.' 
^.^ Queen. Came this f-fwom *leans over* Hamwet to hew? 
Pow. Good *pokes you* madam, stay ^w^ awhiwe. I wiww be faithfuw. [Weads.] 

'Doubt thou the *hugs tightly* staws awe fiwe; 
Doubt t-that the sun doth move; 
D-Doubt twuth to be a wiaw; 
But nyevew doubt I w-wove. 
*looks away* 'O deaw O-Ophewia, UwU I am iww at these nyumbews; I have nyot awt to 
weckon my gwoans; but t-that I :33 wove thee b-best, O most best, bewieve 
it. Adieu. 
'Thinye evewmowe, most deaw wady, w-whiwst this *twerks* machinye is to >_> him, 
HAMWET.' 

This, in obedience, hath my daughtew shown me; 
And *sighs* mowe above, *cuddles you* hath his sowicitings, 
A-As t-they *twerks* feww out by time, by means, and pwace, 
*looks away* Aww given to minye eaw. 
King. But how hath she 
Weceiv'd :33 his wove? 
Pow. What do you think of me? 
King. As o-of a man faithfuw and *screams* honyouwabwe. 
Pow. I wouwd fain pwove so. But w-what might you think, 
When I had seen this hot wove on the wing 
(As I pewceiv'd UwU it, I-I must t-teww you t-that, 
Befowe my daughtew towd me), what *blushes* might y-you, 
Ow my deaw Majesty youw *looks away* queen hewe, think, 
If I had pway'd the desk ow tabwe *teleports behind you* book, 
O-Ow given my heawt a *leans over* winking, mute and dumb, 
*teleports behind you* Ow wook'd upon this wove w-with :3 idwe s-sight? 
What might you *twerks* think? N-Nyo, I went wound to *looks away* wowk 
uWu And my young ^.^ mistwess thus I did bespeak: 
'Wowd Hamwet is a-a pwince, out of thy staw. 
T-This must xDD nyot be.' And then I p-pwescwipts gave hew, 
That she shouwd wock hewsewf fwom *screams* his wesowt, 
*teleports behind you* Admit *screams* nyo messengews, w-weceive nyo tokens. 
Which donye, she took the fwuits of my advice, 
And *leans over* he, wepuwsed, a *notices bulge* showt tawe to make, 
Feww i-into *hugs tightly* a sadnyess, then >_< into a fast, 
T-Thence to *shuffles closer* a watch, >_> thence i-into a-a *sweats* weaknyess, 
Thence t-to a wightnyess, and, by t-this decwension, 
Into the ^w^ madnyess uWu whewein n-nyow he waves, 
And aww we mouwn fow. 
King. Do y-you think 'tis this? 
*sighs* Queen. :33 it may be, vewy wike. 
Pow. Hath thewe been s-such a time- I wouwd fain k-knyow that- 
That I have :3 Positivewy said *notices bulge* ''Tis so,' 
When it ^w^ pwov'd othewwise.? 
*blushes* King. Nyot ^.^ that I k-knyow. 
Pow. [points t-to his head and shouwdew] T-Take this fwom this, *looks at you* if this 
uWu be othewwise. 
If ciwcumstances w-wead *leans over* me, I wiww find 
Whewe t-twuth is hid, though it wewe hid i-indeed 
Within the centwe. 
King. How may we twy it >_> fuwthew? 
Pow. Y-You knyow sometimes he wawks fouw h-houws t-togethew 
Hewe in the wobby. 
Q-Queen. So he does i-indeed. 
Pow. At *teleports behind you* such a time I'ww woose *sweats* my daughtew to him. 
B-Be y-you and I behind an a-awwas then. 
*cries* Mawk the encountew. If he wove hew nyot, 
And he nyot fwom his weason faww'n theweon 
Wet *leans over* me be nyo assistant *screams* fow a *shuffles closer* state, 
But keep a fawm and cawtews. 
King. We wiww twy i-it. 

*twerks* Entew Hamwet, weading on a-a *screams* book. 

Queen. B-But wook whewe sadwy the poow wwetch comes *shuffles closer* weading. 
*sighs* Pow. Away, I ^-^ do b-beseech you, *teleports behind you* both away 
I'ww boawd h-him pwesentwy. :33 O, give me weave. 
Exeunt King and *looks at you* Queen, *looks away* [with Attendants]. 
How *twerks* does *twerks* my good Wowd Hamwet? 
Ham. Weww, God-a-mewcy. 
Pow. Do you knyow me, my wowd? 
Ham. Excewwent weww. x3 You awe a fishmongew. 
Pow. Nyot I, my wowd. 
xDD Ham. Then I *leans over* wouwd you wewe so honyest a man. 
Pow. Honyest, my w-wowd? 
Ham. Ay, s-siw. To be ^w^ honyest, as this wowwd goes, is to be onye m-man 
pick'd out of ten thousand. 
OwO Pow. That's v-vewy twue, *giggles shyly* my wowd. 
Ham. Fow if the sun bweed *looks away* maggots in a dead dog, being *teleports behind you* a god 
k-kissing cawwion- Have y-you a daughtew? 
*cuddles you* Pow. *cries* I have, my wowd. 
Ham. Wet hew nyot wawk i' t-th' s-sun. Conception is UwU a b-bwessing, but nyot 
as youw d-daughtew m-may conceive. Fwiend, wook *screams* to't. 
Pow. [-[aside] H-How say you by t-that? >_> Stiww hawping on >_> my daughtew. Yet 
h-he knyew me nyot a-at fiwst. He said I :33 was a *cries* fishmongew. He is *teleports behind you* faw 
gonye, faw gonye! And twuwy in my *cries* youth >w< I *sighs* suff'wed much *teleports behind you* extwemity 
OwO fow wove- vewy n-nyeaw *giggles shyly* this. I'ww speak to him >_< again.- W-What do y-you 
wead, my wowd? 
Ham. ^w^ Wowds, wowds, wowds. 
Pow. What *hugs tightly* is the mattew, my wowd? 
Ham. B-Between w-who? 
^.^ Pow. I *twerks* mean, the mattew that you wead, my wowd. 
*cries* Ham. *cries* Swandews, siw; fow xDD the satiwicaw wogue says hewe that owd men 
have gwey beawds; t-that theiw faces awe w-wwinkwed; theiw e-eyes 
puwging thick ambew and pwum-twee gum; and that they have a 
*sweats* pwentifuw *teleports behind you* wack of wit, togethew with *teleports behind you* most weak hams. Aww which, 
siw, though I-I most powewfuwwy and potentwy bewieve, yet *giggles shyly* I howd it 
nyot honyesty to have it thus s-set down; *twerks* fow you youwsewf, siw, 
shouwd be *shuffles closer* owd as I am if, w-wike a-a cwab, you couwd go backwawd. 
Pow. [-[aside] Though this b-be madnyess, yet thewe i-is a method in't.- 
Wiww You wawk out of the aiw, m-my wowd? 
Ham. Into my gwave? 
P-Pow. Indeed, that is o-out o' th' aiw. [-[Aside] uWu How pwegnyant sometimes 
his wepwies awe! a happinyess that often *notices bulge* madnyess hits on, which 
w-weason and sanyity c-couwd nyot so pwospewouswy be dewivewed of. I-I 
*notices bulge* wiww weave him and suddenwy contwive the m-means of meeting between 
him and my daughtew.- My :3 honyouwabwe w-wowd, I wiww ^.^ most humbwy take 
my w-weave of you. 
Ham. You cannyot, siw, take fwom me anything that I wiww >w< mowe 
wiwwingwy pawt withaw- except my wife, except my wife, e-except my 
wife, 

E-Entew Wosencwantz a-and Guiwdenstewn. 

Pow. Fawe y-you weww, my wowd. 
Ham. These tedious owd foows! 
P-Pow. You g-go to seek the *notices bulge* Wowd H-Hamwet. Thewe he is. 
Wos. [to *looks at you* Powonyius] *shuffles closer* God save y-you, siw! 
Exit [Powonyius]. 
Guiw. My honyouw'd wowd! 
W-Wos. My most deaw wowd! 
Ham. My *hugs tightly* excewwent good fwiends! *twerks* How d-dost *notices bulge* thou, Guiwdenstewn? Ah, 
*screams* Wosencwantz! *twerks* Good *cries* wads, h-how do ye both? 
Wos. As the indiffewent chiwdwen of the ^-^ eawth. 
Guiw. H-Happy in that we awe nyot o-ovew-happy. 
On Fowtunye's cap *looks at you* we *blushes* awe :3 nyot the vewy button. 
Ham. Nyow the sowes of hew shoe? 
Wos. Nyeithew, *pokes you* my wowd. 
Ham. Then you wive about hew w-waist, ow in the ^-^ middwe of hew 
favouws? 
Guiw. Faith, hew pwivates we. 
Ham. In the secwet pawts o-of Fowtunye? O! most twue! s-she is a 
stwumpet. *looks away* What ;;w;; nyews ? 
Wos. *sighs* Nyonye, my wowd, but *cries* that OwO the *notices bulge* wowwd's gwown honyest. 
Ham. Then *looks away* is doomsday nyeaw! But youw nyews is nyot twue. Wet :33 me 
question mowe in p-pawticuwaw. What have y-you, my good fwiends, 
desewved at the hands o-of F-Fowtunye t-that she sends you to pwison 
hithew? 
x3 Guiw. Pwison, my w-wowd? 
Ham. Denmawk's a pwison. 
^w^ Wos. Then is the wowwd onye. 
Ham. A goodwy onye; in which thewe a-awe *looks away* many confinyes, ^w^ wawds, and 
dungeons, Denmawk being *looks at you* onye o' th' wowst. 
Wos. We think nyot so, my wowd. 
Ham. Why, then 'tis nyonye to you; fow thewe is *twerks* nyothing eithew good 
ow b-bad but *moans* thinking m-makes xDD it so. To m-me it uWu is a OwO pwison. 
Wos. Why, *giggles shyly* then youw ambition m-makes *cries* it onye. 'Tis too nyawwow fow youw 
m-mind. 
Ham. O God, I ^w^ couwd be bounded in a n-nyutsheww and count mysewf a 
king of infinyite space, wewe OwO it nyot that I have bad dweams. 
Guiw. W-Which dweams i-indeed awe ambition; f-fow the vewy substance :33 of 
the >_< ambitious is mewewy the shadow of a dweam. 
Ham. A dweam itsewf is but a shadow. 
Wos. Twuwy, and I howd ambition of so aiwy and wight a quawity x3 that 
it is but a shadow's s-shadow. 
H-Ham. Then awe ouw beggaws bodies, and :3 ouw *screams* monyawchs and outstwetch'd 
hewoes the beggaws' shadows. S-Shaww we to th' couwt? fow, by *blushes* my 
fay, I cannyot weason. 
Both. W-We'ww wait upon you. 
*hugs tightly* Ham. Nyo such mattew! *looks away* I wiww nyot sowt you *teleports behind you* with the west of m-my 
sewvants; f-fow, to speak to you wike *hugs tightly* an h-honyest man, I-I am most 
*shuffles closer* dweadfuwwy attended. But in the ;;w;; beaten way of fwiendship, what 
*looks at you* make y-you a-at UwU Ewsinyowe? 
Wos. To v-visit you, my wowd; nyo othew o-occasion. 
Ham. Beggaw that I *moans* am, I am even ^.^ poow i-in thanks; but I thank ^w^ you; 
and *cries* suwe, deaw fwiends, my thanks awe too d-deaw *twerks* a hawfpenny. *cuddles you* Wewe 
you nyot sent x3 fow? I-Is it youw o-own x3 incwinying? Is it a fwee 
visitation? Come, ;;w;; deaw *looks at you* justwy with me. Come, come! N-Nyay, speak. 
Guiw. *twerks* What shouwd we :33 say, my wowd? 
:33 Ham. Why, anything- but to :3 th' puwpose. Y-You wewe sent fow; and 
thewe is *looks at you* a kind of confession in youw wooks, which youw modesties 
have nyot cwaft enyough to cowouw. I *notices bulge* knyow t-the good King and Queen 
have sent fow uWu you. 
Wos. To *moans* what end, my wowd? 
Ham. T-That you must teach me. *leans over* But wet me conjuwe you *twerks* by the wights 
o-of ouw fewwowship, b-by the consonyancy o-of ouw youth, by the 
obwigation >_> of ouw e-evew-pwesewved wove, and by what mowe *cuddles you* deaw a 
bettew pwoposew couwd chawge you withaw, be even and diwect with 
me, whethew you wewe sent f-fow ow nyo. 
Wos. [-[aside to *sweats* Guiwdenstewn] W-What say you? 
Ham. [aside] Nyay then, I have a-an eye o-of you.- I-If you wove me, h-howd 
*cuddles you* nyot off. 
Guiw. My w-wowd, we wewe sent fow. 
*cuddles you* Ham. I w-wiww *looks away* teww you why. So ^.^ shaww my a-anticipation pwevent youw 
discovewy, and youw secwecy to the King and Queen m-mouwt nyo 
feathew. I *looks away* have of *looks away* wate- but whewefowe I knyow *teleports behind you* nyot- wost aww my 
miwth, fowgonye a-aww custom of exewcises; and indeed, it goes so 
heaviwy with my disposition t-that this goodwy *teleports behind you* fwame, the *notices bulge* eawth, 
seems to me a stewiwe pwomontowy; this most excewwent canyopy, the 
*sighs* aiw, wook y-you, t-this bwave o'ewhanging fiwmament, this m-majesticaw 
woof fwetted with gowden fiwe- why, it appeaweth nyo othew thing 
to me t-than a fouw and pestiwent *looks at you* congwegation of vapouws. What a 
piece of wowk is a man! how *sighs* nyobwe i-in w-weason! how i-infinyite in 
f-facuwties! in *looks away* fowm and >w< moving how expwess and a-admiwabwe! in 
action how :33 wike an angew! in appwehension *hugs tightly* how wike a g-god! the 
beauty of the wowwd, the p-pawagon of anyimaws! *cries* And yet to me what 
is this quintessence of dust? Man dewights nyot me- nyo, nyow woman 
nyeithew, *twerks* though b-by youw smiwing xDD you seem to say so. 
Wos. My wowd, thewe was nyo s-such stuff in my thoughts. 
*sighs* Ham. Why did you *teleports behind you* waugh t-then, when I said 'Man >_< dewights *moans* nyot me'? 
Wos. To think, my :33 wowd, if y-you dewight n-nyot in man, what wenten 
entewtainment the pwayews shaww weceive fwom you. We c-coted them 
*pokes you* on the way, and hithew awe they coming to offew y-you s-sewvice. 
Ham. He that pways the king shaww be *sweats* wewcome- his Majesty shaww 
have twibute of m-me; *cuddles you* the *notices bulge* adventuwous >_< knyight shaww use his foiw >_> and 
:3 tawget; t-the wovew shaww nyot sigh g-gwatis; the h-humowous man shaww 
end his pawt *pokes you* in peace; the cwown shaww make those w-waugh whose 
wungs awe *shuffles closer* tickwe o' th' *pokes you* sewe; and the *blushes* wady s-shaww say hew mind 
fweewy, ow the bwank vewse *sighs* shaww hawt x3 fowt. *hugs tightly* What *moans* pwayews awe 
they? 
Wos. Even those you wewe w-wont to take such dewight in, the 
twagedians of the city. 
*leans over* Ham. How chances it they twavew? *cuddles you* Theiw :3 wesidence, *notices bulge* both in 
weputation and pwofit, was bettew both ways. 
>_< Wos. I think theiw i-inhibition comes by the means of the wate 
innyovation. 
Ham. Do they howd the same xDD estimation they did when I was in >_> the 
city? Awe they so fowwow'd? 
W-Wos. Nyo indeed awe they nyot. 
H-Ham. How comes it? Do they gwow wusty? 
:33 Wos. Nyay, >w< theiw endeavouw keeps ^.^ in the wonted pace; but thewe is, 
siw, an eywie of chiwdwen, wittwe eyases, that uWu cwy out on the top 
of question a-and awe *cries* most tywannyicawwy cwapp'd fowt. These awe nyow 
the xDD fashion, and *giggles shyly* so bewattwe the common stages (so they caww 
them) that many weawing wapiews awe a-afwaid *cuddles you* of *sweats* goosequiwws and 
d-dawe s-scawce come thithew. 
Ham. What, a-awe they chiwdwen? W-Who m-maintains 'em? How a-awe they 
escoted? :3 Wiww *looks away* they puwsue the q-quawity nyo wongew than they can 
sing? W-Wiww they nyot say aftewwawds, if *blushes* they shouwd gwow 
themsewves to common pwayews (-(as *shuffles closer* it is most >w< wike, if OwO theiw means 
awe n-nyo x3 bettew), theiw wwitews do them wwong to make them excwaim 
against theiw own succession. 
Wos. Faith, thewe has been much t-to do on *blushes* both *moans* sides; and the nyation 
h-howds it nyo sin to tawwe them to c-contwovewsy. T-Thewe was, fow a 
whiwe, nyo *blushes* monyey bid fow awgument u-unwess the p-poet and the pwayew 
went to cuffs *teleports behind you* in the question. 
Ham. Is't *blushes* possibwe? 
Guiw. O, ^.^ thewe has been much OwO thwowing uWu about of bwains. 
H-Ham. *sighs* Do *looks at you* the boys cawwy it away? 
Wos. Ay, that *moans* they do, my w-wowd- Hewcuwes and his woad too. 
*blushes* Ham. It OwO is nyot *pokes you* vewy stwange; *sweats* fow my uncwe is King o-of D-Denmawk, and 
those that ;;w;; wouwd m-make mows at him whiwe my fathew wived give 
twenty, fowty, f-fifty, a hundwed ducats apiece fow his pictuwe i-in 
wittwe. 'Sbwood, thewe is something in this :33 mowe t-than nyatuwaw, if 
phiwosophy c-couwd f-find it out. 

Fwouwish fow the Pwayews. 

*looks away* Guiw. *blushes* Thewe awe the pwayews. 
Ham. G-Gentwemen, you awe ^.^ wewcome to Ewsinyowe. *shuffles closer* Youw hands, come! Th' 
appuwtenyance of wewcome *cries* is uWu fashion a-and cewemony. Wet me compwy 
:3 with y-you in this gawb, west my extent to the pwayews (which I 
*notices bulge* teww y-you must show faiwwy outwawds) *cries* shouwd mowe appeaw wike 
e-entewtainment than *cuddles you* youws. You awe wewcome. But my u-uncwe-fathew 
*hugs tightly* and aunt-mothew a-awe deceiv'd. 
Guiw. In *shuffles closer* what, ^.^ my deaw wowd? 
Ham. I am *teleports behind you* but mad nyowth-nyowth-west. W-When OwO the wind i-is *looks at you* southewwy I 
knyow a hawk fwom a handsaw. 

:33 Entew ^-^ Powonyius. 

Pow. Weww be with you, gentwemen! 
Ham. Hawk *screams* you, Guiwdenstewn- and you too- at each eaw a heawew! 
That gweat baby you ^.^ see thewe is n-nyot yet *moans* out o-of h-his swaddwing 
cwouts. 
*cuddles you* Wos. Happiwy he's the second time come *sweats* to them; fow *teleports behind you* they say an owd 
man is twice a chiwd. 
*hugs tightly* Ham. I wiww pwophesy he comes to teww me of *blushes* the pwayews. Mawk i-it.- 
You say w-wight, siw; a M-Monday mownying; twas so i-indeed. 
Pow. My wowd, ^-^ I UwU have nyews t-to t-teww you. 
*sweats* Ham. My wowd, I-I *notices bulge* have nyews to teww *notices bulge* you. When Woscius was an actow in 
Wome- 
Pow. The actows *blushes* awe come hithew, my wowd. 
Ham. Buzz, b-buzz! 
Pow. Upon my *pokes you* honyouw- 
Ham. Then came each actow o-on his ass- 
Pow. *hugs tightly* The best actows in the wowwd, e-eithew fow twagedy, comedy, 
histowy, p-pastowaw, pastowaw-comicaw, histowicaw-pastowaw, 
twagicaw-histowicaw, twagicaw-comicaw-histowicaw-pastowaw; scenye 
individabwe, ow poem unwimited. Senyeca cannyot b-be too heavy, nyow 
Pwautus too *sighs* wight. Fow the waw :33 of wwit a-and the wibewty, *notices bulge* these awe 
the ^-^ onwy m-men. 
Ham. *twerks* O J-Jephthah, *giggles shyly* judge of Iswaew, what a tweasuwe hadst thou! 
Pow. What tweasuwe had *teleports behind you* he, my w-wowd? 
Ham. W-Why, 

'Onye faiw d-daughtew, *sweats* and nyo mowe, 
The which *cries* he woved p-passing weww.' 

Pow. [aside] S-Stiww o-on my daughtew. 
xDD Ham. Am I nyot i' th' wight, owd *twerks* Jephthah? 
Pow. If y-you *teleports behind you* caww m-me Jephthah, *giggles shyly* my wowd, *sweats* I have a daughtew that I 
wove passing weww. 
Ham. *moans* Nyay, *sighs* that fowwows nyot. 
Pow. xDD What fowwows t-then, my wowd? 
H-Ham. Why, 

'As b-by wot, God *teleports behind you* wot,' 

and t-then, you k-knyow, 

'It came to *moans* pass, as most wike it was.' 

The fiwst w-wow of t-the p-pious chanson wiww uWu show *giggles shyly* you mowe; fow wook 
w-whewe my abwidgment comes. 

Entew fouw ow five Pwayews. 

You x3 awe wewcome, mastews; wewcome, aww.- I am gwad :33 to see *sweats* thee 
weww.- Wewcome, good fwiends.- O, *cuddles you* my owd fwiend? Why, thy face i-is 
vawanc'd s-since *giggles shyly* I s-saw thee w-wast. *pokes you* Com'st' thou to' *cuddles you* beawd me in 
Denmawk?- ^.^ What, my UwU young wady and mistwess? By'w Wady, youw 
wadyship is nyeawew to heaven than *screams* when I ^w^ saw you wast b-by the 
awtitude of a chopinye. Pway *hugs tightly* God *hugs tightly* youw v-voice, wike a-a piece of 
uncuwwent gowd, be nyot cwack'd within the w-wing.- M-Mastews, you awe 
^-^ aww wewcome. We'ww e'en to't w-wike F-Fwench *giggles shyly* fawconyews, fwy at 
anything we ^w^ see. We'ww have a speech stwaight. Come, g-give us a 
taste of youw quawity. C-Come, a passionyate s-speech. 
:3 1. Pway. What speech, my good >_> wowd? 
Ham. I heawd thee s-speak me a speech once, but it was nyevew acted; 
ow ^-^ if it was, nyot above *blushes* once; fow the pway, I *notices bulge* wemembew, *pokes you* pweas'd 
nyot the miwwion, 'twas caviawy to *sweats* the g-genyewaw; but it was (-(as I 
weceiv'd it, and othews, *pokes you* whose judgments in such mattews UwU cwied in 
the top o-of minye) an x3 excewwent pway, *notices bulge* weww digested in the scenyes, 
set down *pokes you* with a-as much modesty as cunnying. I-I wemembew onye uWu said 
thewe wewe nyo s-sawwets in the winyes to m-make the mattew savouwy, 
nyow nyo mattew in the phwase that might indict t-the authow ^w^ of 
affectation; but caww'd it an honyest method, as whowesome as 
sweet, a-and by vewy much mowe handsome than :33 finye. Onye s-speech in't 
I chiefwy wov'd. 'Twas AEnyeas' tawe to OwO Dido, and theweabout o-of it 
especiawwy whewe he speaks o-of *shuffles closer* Pwiam's swaughtew. If it wive in 
youw memowy, *twerks* begin at *giggles shyly* this winye- wet *notices bulge* me see, wet *notices bulge* me see: 

'The wugged Pywwhus, *shuffles closer* wike th' Hywcanyian *sighs* beast-' 

'Tis nyot so; it begins with Pywwhus: 

*cries* 'The wugged Pywwhus, he w-whose s-sabwe awms, 
Bwack a-as his puwpose, did *looks away* the nyight wesembwe 
When he way c-couched in the ominyous howse, 
*giggles shyly* Hath nyow *pokes you* this d-dwead and bwack compwexion smeaw'd 
With hewawdwy mowe dismaw. Head to foot 
*cuddles you* Nyow is be *sweats* totaw guwes, :33 howwidwy twick'd 
W-With bwood *moans* of fathews, mothews, daughtews, sons, 
B-Bak'd *shuffles closer* and impasted with the pawching stweets, 
T-That wend a tywannyous and *leans over* a damnyed wight 
To theiw w-wowd's muwthew. >_< Woasted in wwath and ^w^ fiwe, 
And thus o'ewsized with coaguwate gowe, 
With eyes wike cawbuncwes, the hewwish Pywwhus 
Owd gwandsiwe P-Pwiam seeks.' 

So, pwoceed *shuffles closer* you. 
Pow. *looks away* Fowe God, my wowd, weww s-spoken, with *screams* good accent and *notices bulge* good 
*giggles shyly* discwetion. 

1-1. Pway. 'Anyon *giggles shyly* he finds him, 
Stwiking too >_> showt at Gweeks. H-His antique swowd, 
Webewwious to his awm, wies whewe UwU it fawws, 
Wepugnyant t-to command. Unyequaw match'd, 
Pywwhus at Pwiam dwives, in wage stwikes w-wide; 
But *hugs tightly* with the whiff and wind of uWu his feww swowd 
Th' unnyewved fathew fawws. Then sensewess Iwium, 
Seeming to feew *pokes you* this b-bwow, with fwaming top 
S-Stoops to his base, and with a-a h-hideous cwash 
Takes pwisonyew Pywwhus' eaw. uWu Fow w-wo! his swowd, 
Which was decwinying on the *teleports behind you* miwky *shuffles closer* head 
Of w-wevewend Pwiam, seem'd i' th' aiw to stick. 
S-So, as a-a painted tywant, Pywwhus stood, 
And, wike a nyeutwaw to his wiww and mattew, 
Did n-nyothing. 
But, as we often *looks away* see, against some s-stowm, 
A s-siwence in the heavens, t-the ^w^ wack stand stiww, 
The bowd winds s-speechwess, a-and the UwU owb bewow 
As hush as death- anyon t-the dweadfuw thundew 
Doth w-wend the wegion; so, aftew Pywwhus' pause, 
*screams* Awoused v-vengeance sets :3 him nyew awowk; 
And ^.^ nyevew did the Cycwops' hammews faww 
On Maws's awmouw, fowg'd fow pwoof etewnye, 
uWu With wess w-wemowse than Pywwhus' bweeding swowd 
Nyow fawws on Pwiam. 
Out, out, thou stwumpet Fowtunye! A-Aww you *screams* gods, 
In *leans over* genyewaw synyod :3 take away hew powew; 
*shuffles closer* Bweak aww the spokes and fewwies fwom hew wheew, 
And boww the wound nyave down the hiww o-of heaven, 
*looks away* As w-wow as to the fiends! 

Pow. This is too wong. 
Ham. :3 It shaww :3 to the bawbew's, with youw beawd.- Pwithee *sighs* say on. 
He's fow *sighs* a jig ow a-a tawe of bawdwy, o-ow he sweeps. Say o-on; uWu come to 
Hecuba. 

1. Pway. '-'But who, *notices bulge* O *looks at you* who, had seen the mobwed *sweats* queen-' 

H-Ham. 'The mobwed queen'? 
Pow. That's g-good! 'Mobwed queen' is good. 

1. Pway. 'Wun bawefoot up and ;;w;; down, thweat'nying the fwames 
With bisson wheum; *hugs tightly* a cwout upon that head 
Whewe wate the d-diadem stood, and fow a-a wobe, 
About hew wank a-and *cuddles you* aww o'ewteemed woins, 
A b-bwanket, *leans over* in t-the awawm of feaw caught up- 
Who *sweats* this had seen, with tongue :3 in *hugs tightly* venyom steep'd 
'Gainst *looks away* Fowtunye's state :3 wouwd tweason have pwonyounc'd. 
But if the gods themsewves *sweats* did see hew then, 
When she *giggles shyly* saw Pywwhus make mawicious spowt 
In Mincing w-with his swowd hew husband's wimbs, 
T-The instant buwst o-of cwamouw that she made 
^w^ (Unwess things *moans* mowtaw move them nyot at aww) 
*cries* Wouwd have *notices bulge* made *looks away* miwch the buwnying eyes ;;w;; of heaven 
:3 And passion in the gods.' 

P-Pow. Wook, w-whe'w he has nyot tuwn'd his cowouw, a-and has teaws i-in's 
eyes. Pwithee nyo mowe! 
Ham. 'Tis weww. I'ww have thee speak out the >_> west of this soon.- 
Good my wowd, wiww y-you s-see the p-pwayews weww *teleports behind you* bestow'd? D-Do you 
heaw? W-Wet them be weww u-us'd; fow *blushes* they awe t-the abstwact and ^.^ bwief 
chwonyicwes of the t-time. Aftew youw death y-you wewe ^w^ bettew have a 
>w< bad e-epitaph than theiw iww wepowt whiwe you wive. 
Pow. My wowd, *teleports behind you* I wiww use them accowding :3 to theiw desewt. 
Ham. God's bodykins, man, x3 much bettew! Use evewy man aftew his 
>w< desewt, and who shouwd scape whipping? ^w^ Use them a-aftew *cries* youw own 
honyouw and dignyity. UwU The w-wess they desewve, the mowe mewit is in 
youw bounty. Take OwO them UwU in. 
Pow. *moans* Come, ;;w;; siws. 
Ham. F-Fowwow him, fwiends. We'ww *blushes* heaw a pway :3 to-mowwow. 
Exeunt Powonyius and Pwayews [except t-the Fiwst]. 
D-Dost thou heaw me, owd fwiend? C-Can you x3 pway 'The >_< Muwthew of 
Gonzago'? 
1. Pway. A-Ay, my wowd. 
Ham. xDD We'ww ha't to-mowwow nyight. You couwd, UwU fow a nyeed, ^.^ study a 
UwU speech of some dozen ow *cries* sixteen winyes which I-I wouwd set down and 
insewt in't, *sighs* couwd y-you nyot? 
1. Pway. Ay, my wowd. 
H-Ham. uWu Vewy weww. Fowwow that *notices bulge* wowd- and wook you mock him nyot. 
[Exit Fiwst Pwayew.] 
My good fwiends, I'ww weave you tiww nyight. You awe *giggles shyly* wewcome to 
Ewsinyowe. 
W-Wos. Good my wowd! 
Ham. Ay, so, God ^w^ b' wi' y-ye! 
[Exeunt Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn 
Nyow I am awonye. 
O what a wogue a-and p-peasant swave am I! 
Is it nyot monstwous that this pwayew hewe, 
But in a fiction, in a dweam *teleports behind you* of passion, 
Couwd fowce x3 his souw so to his own conceit 
That, fwom hew wowking, a-aww his visage wann'd, 
Teaws in h-his e-eyes, distwaction i-in's aspect, 
A-A bwoken *hugs tightly* voice, and his w-whowe f-function s-suiting 
With fowms to *twerks* his conceit? And aww fow nyothing! 
Fow Hecuba! 
*pokes you* What's Hecuba to him, ow he to Hecuba, 
That he shouwd weep fow hew? What *blushes* wouwd he do, 
Had he the motive and :33 the cue fow passion 
*looks at you* That *screams* I have? He wouwd dwown the stage with *sweats* teaws 
And c-cweave the genyewaw eaw with howwid *shuffles closer* speech; 
Make mad the guiwty and appaw t-the fwee, 
Confound the ignyowant, and *twerks* amaze OwO indeed 
The ^.^ vewy facuwties o-of eyes and eaws. 
Yet *hugs tightly* I, 
A *giggles shyly* duww and muddy-mettwed wascaw, p-peak 
Wike John-a-dweams, u-unpwegnyant ^w^ of my cause, 
And c-can say nyothing! Nyo, nyot fow a king, 
Upon whose pwopewty and :3 most *sweats* deaw uWu wife 
*giggles shyly* A damn'd defeat was >_< made. *pokes you* Am I a cowawd? 
Who c-cawws me viwwain? bweaks my pate acwoss? 
*screams* Pwucks off my b-beawd *giggles shyly* and *blushes* bwows i-it in uWu my face? 
Tweaks :33 me by th' nyose? gives *sighs* me the wie i' th' t-thwoat 
As deep as to the wungs? Who does me this, ha? 
'Swounds, I ^w^ shouwd take it! fow it cannyot be 
But I *giggles shyly* am pigeon-wivew'd and wack gaww 
To make oppwession b-bittew, ow ewe this 
I shouwd have fatted aww the wegion *looks away* kites 
With this swave's offaw. Bwoody bawdy UwU viwwain! 
Wemowsewess, *screams* tweachewous, w-wechewous, kindwess viwwain! 
x3 O, vengeance! 
W-Why, what an ass am I! *teleports behind you* This is most bwave, 
That I, the son *sweats* of *blushes* a deaw fathew muwthew'd, 
Pwompted *pokes you* to *twerks* my wevenge by heaven a-and heww, 
Must (wike >w< a whowe) unpack my heawt with wowds 
And f-faww a-a-cuwsing wike *leans over* a *cries* vewy >_< dwab, 
A scuwwion! 
*screams* Fie upon't! foh! *looks at you* About, my bwain! Hum, I have heawd 
That g-guiwty cweatuwes, sitting a-at a pway, 
Have by the vewy c-cunnying of t-the scenye 
Been stwuck so to the souw that pwesentwy 
They have pwocwaim'd theiw mawefactions; 
*sweats* Fow muwthew, *giggles shyly* though it *screams* have nyo tongue, wiww speak 
With most miwacuwous owgan, I'ww have *hugs tightly* these Pwayews 
Pway something wike the muwthew of m-my fathew 
B-Befowe m-minye uncwe. I-I'ww obsewve his wooks; 
I'ww tent *screams* him to the quick. I-If he but bwench, 
I knyow my couwse. The spiwit that I have seen 
May be a deviw; a-and the deviw hath powew 
T' assume a pweasing shape; yea, and pewhaps 
*shuffles closer* Out *cuddles you* of my weaknyess a-and my OwO mewanchowy, 
As ^-^ he is vewy potent w-with *looks at you* such spiwits, 
Abuses me to damn *looks away* me. I'ww have gwounds 
*hugs tightly* Mowe wewative than this. The pway's the thing 
Whewein I-I'ww catch t-the *teleports behind you* conscience of the King. E-Exit. 




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ACT III. Scenye I. 
Ewsinyowe. A woom in the Castwe. 

Entew King, Q-Queen, Powonyius, Ophewia, Wosencwantz, *pokes you* Guiwdenstewn, *looks away* and Wowds. 

K-King. And can you by nyo dwift of ciwcumstance 
Get xDD fwom him *sighs* why h-he puts o-on this confusion, 
Gwating *screams* so h-hawshwy aww his days of quiet 
With t-tuwbuwent and d-dangewous x3 wunyacy? 
Wos. He does confess he ^w^ feews himsewf distwacted, 
But fwom w-what cause *pokes you* he w-wiww b-by nyo means speak. 
Guiw. Nyow do *moans* we find him fowwawd t-to be *blushes* sounded, 
But ;;w;; with a cwafty madnyess keeps awoof 
When we *screams* wouwd bwing him on to some *pokes you* confession 
Of his twue state. 
Queen. D-Did he weceive you weww? 
Wos. Most wike a gentweman. 
Guiw. But with much f-fowcing *sweats* of h-his disposition. 
Wos. Nyiggawd of question, *cuddles you* but of ouw demands 
Most *blushes* fwee in his wepwy. 
Queen. *blushes* Did you assay him 
T-To any pastime? 
Wos. Madam, it so feww out *notices bulge* that c-cewtain pwayews 
We o'ewwaught on the way. Of these w-we t-towd h-him, 
And thewe did seem ;;w;; in him a kind of ;;w;; joy 
To heaw of i-it. They *hugs tightly* awe h-hewe about the couwt, 
And, ^w^ as I think, they >_> have awweady owdew 
This nyight to pway >w< befowe him. 
Pow. 'Tis most twue; 
And *shuffles closer* he beseech'd me to entweat youw Majesties 
T-To heaw and see the mattew. 
*giggles shyly* King. With aww my *moans* heawt, and it *twerks* doth much content me 
T-To heaw him so incwin'd. 
Good gentwemen, give h-him a f-fuwthew e-edge 
And dwive his puwpose on to these dewights. 
Wos. We shaww, :3 my wowd. 
Exeunt Wosencwantz and :3 Guiwdenstewn. 
King. Sweet Gewtwude, w-weave us too; 
Fow we have cwosewy >_< sent *sighs* fow Hamwet hithew, 
That he, as 'twewe by a-accident, may hewe 
Affwont Ophewia. 
Hew fathew *twerks* and mysewf (wawfuw espiaws) 
Wiww so bestow ouwsewves that, *screams* seeing *blushes* unseen, 
W-We may of theiw encountew f-fwankwy j-judge 
A-And gathew by him, as he is behav'd, 
If't b-be th' *looks away* affwiction o-of h-his wove, ow nyo, 
That thus h-he suffews fow. 
Queen. I shaww obey you; 
And fow y-youw pawt, O-Ophewia, I d-do wish 
That youw g-good *looks at you* beauties be the happy c-cause 
Of *looks away* Hamwet's w-wiwdnyess. So shaww I hope youw viwtues 
^-^ Wiww *leans over* bwing him ^-^ to his w-wonted way again, 
To b-both ^-^ youw honyouws. 
:33 Oph. Madam, I wish i-it may. 
[Exit Queen.] 
Pow. Ophewia, wawk you hewe.- *sighs* Gwacious, s-so pwease you, 
We wiww bestow ouwsewves.- [To Ophewia] Wead o-on this ^.^ book, 
>w< That show *blushes* of *giggles shyly* such an exewcise *cries* may cowouw 
Youw wonyewinyess.- We awe oft t-to bwame ;;w;; in this, 
'Tis too much pwov'd, that with devotion's visage 
A-And *notices bulge* pious action we do sugaw o'ew 
The Deviw himsewf. 
King. [aside] O, 'tis too twue! 
How smawt a wash that speech >_> doth give m-my conscience! 
The hawwot's cheek, beautied with pwast'wing a-awt, 
Is *looks away* nyot *notices bulge* mowe ugwy to the thing xDD that hewps it 
Than is my deed to m-my most painted wowd. 
O heavy b-buwthen! 
Pow. I h-heaw him coming. Wet's withdwaw, my *looks at you* wowd. 
Exeunt King and P-Powonyius]. 

Entew Hamwet. 

Ham. To uWu be, *shuffles closer* ow nyot to b-be- that is the question: 
Whethew 'tis nyobwew in the mind to suffew 
The swings and *shuffles closer* awwows of outwageous fowtunye 
O-Ow to take awms against a s-sea of twoubwes, 
And by *hugs tightly* opposing ^-^ end them. To die- t-to sweep- 
N-Nyo mowe; and by a sweep t-to ^-^ say w-we end 
The heawtache, and the thousand >w< nyatuwaw ^w^ shocks 
^-^ That fwesh is heiw to. '-'Tis a consummation 
D-Devoutwy ^-^ to be wish'd. To die- to sweep. 
To sweep- pewchance to dweam: ay, thewe's *giggles shyly* the wub! 
Fow in that s-sweep of death what *teleports behind you* dweams m-may come 
When we have shuffwed off this mowtaw coiw, 
Must give us pause. Thewe's the wespect 
That ^w^ makes c-cawamity of so wong wife. 
Fow w-who wouwd beaw the whips a-and scowns of time, 
Th' oppwessow's wwong, the *teleports behind you* pwoud man's contumewy, 
The pangs of despis'd wove, t-the w-waw's *giggles shyly* deway, 
The i-insowence of office, and the spuwns 
T-That patient mewit of th' *blushes* unwowthy takes, 
When he h-himsewf might his quietus make 
*pokes you* With *shuffles closer* a bawe bodkin? Who wouwd these fawdews beaw, 
To g-gwunt and sweat *looks at you* undew >_< a weawy wife, 
But that the dwead of s-something a-aftew death- 
The undiscovew'd countwy, f-fwom whose *screams* bouwn 
Nyo twavewwew wetuwns- p-puzzwes t-the wiww, 
And makes us wathew beaw those >_< iwws we have 
Than fwy to othews that we *cuddles you* knyow nyot of? 
Thus conscience does ^w^ make cowawds of us aww, 
And thus the uWu nyative hue OwO of wesowution 
Is s-sickwied o'ew *sighs* with the pawe cast of thought, 
>_< And entewpwises of UwU gweat pith and moment 
With this wegawd theiw *moans* cuwwents tuwn awwy 
And wose the nyame of action.- Soft you nyow! 
*sweats* The *leans over* faiw Ophewia!- N-Nymph, ;;w;; in *blushes* thy owisons 
Be aww m-my sins wememb'wed. 
O-Oph. Good my UwU wowd, 
How does youw h-honyouw fow this many a d-day? 
Ham. I *leans over* humbwy *looks away* thank you; weww, weww, weww. 
Oph. My wowd, I >_< have wemembwances of youws 
That *giggles shyly* I have wonged x3 wong to we-dewivew. 
>_< I pway you, xDD nyow weceive them. 
Ham. Nyo, n-nyot I! 
I nyevew ;;w;; gave you aught. 
Oph. My h-honyouw'd w-wowd, you knyow wight weww you did, 
And *pokes you* with them wowds of so *notices bulge* sweet bweath compos'd 
A-As made the xDD things mowe wich. ^-^ Theiw pewfume wost, 
*hugs tightly* Take *hugs tightly* these *screams* again; fow to t-the nyobwe mind 
Wich gifts ;;w;; wax *sweats* poow when g-givews pwove unkind. 
Thewe, OwO my wowd. 
H-Ham. Ha, ha! Awe y-you honyest? 
Oph. My wowd? 
Ham. *screams* Awe you faiw? 
*notices bulge* Oph. What means youw wowdship? 
Ham. That if you be honyest and f-faiw, youw honyesty shouwd admit *sweats* nyo 
discouwse to youw *sighs* beauty. 
Oph. C-Couwd beauty, my wowd, have b-bettew *looks at you* commewce than with honyesty? 
*twerks* Ham. Ay, twuwy; fow the powew of beauty wiww soonyew *sweats* twansfowm 
honyesty fwom what *twerks* it is to a bawd than the :3 fowce *giggles shyly* of *sweats* honyesty can 
t-twanswate beauty into *pokes you* his wikenyess. This *shuffles closer* was sometime a ^w^ pawadox, 
but nyow t-the time *moans* gives it p-pwoof. >_> I did wove you once. 
O-Oph. ^-^ Indeed, my wowd, you made ^-^ me bewieve so. 
H-Ham. You ;;w;; shouwd nyot have bewiev'd >_> me; fow *shuffles closer* viwtue OwO cannyot so 
inyocuwate ouw o-owd stock but we shaww wewish of it. *hugs tightly* I woved y-you 
nyot. 
Oph. I was the mowe deceived. 
*hugs tightly* Ham. Get thee to a nyunnyewy! Why *pokes you* wouwdst thou be a bweedew of 
sinnyews? I *twerks* am *blushes* mysewf indiffewent honyest, but y-yet I couwd accuse 
*sweats* me of such things that it wewe bettew m-my mothew had *cuddles you* nyot bownye me. 
I *shuffles closer* am vewy pwoud, wevengefuw, ambitious; with mowe offences at my 
beck than I h-have thoughts to put *screams* them *twerks* in, imaginyation to give 
*sweats* them shape, ow time to act ^w^ them in. What shouwd xDD such fewwows as I 
do, c-cwawwing between eawth and heaven? We OwO awe awwant knyaves *sweats* aww; 
bewieve n-nyonye of us. Go *pokes you* thy ways to a n-nyunnyewy. *blushes* Whewe's youw 
f-fathew? 
Oph. *hugs tightly* At h-home, *cuddles you* my *looks at you* wowd. 
Ham. Wet the doows be shut u-upon *twerks* him, that he may pway the foow 
nyowhewe but in's own house. Faweweww. 
Oph. O, hewp him, you s-sweet heavens! 
Ham. If thou dost mawwy, I'ww give t-thee this pwague fow thy dowwy: 
be thou as chaste as ice, as puwe ^-^ as snyow, thou shawt nyot escape 
cawumny. G-Get thee to a nyunnyewy. Go, faweweww. O-Ow ;;w;; if thou *leans over* wiwt 
n-nyeeds mawwy, mawwy a foow; fow *looks at you* wise >_> men knyow weww enyough what 
monstews y-you make of them. To a-a nyunnyewy, go; and quickwy t-too. 
F-Faweweww. 
Oph. O uWu heavenwy powews, w-westowe him! 
Ham. I have h-heawd of youw p-paintings :3 too, weww enyough. God h-hath 
given you *sweats* onye face, and you make youwsewves :3 anyothew. You jig, *twerks* you 
a-ambwe, and you wisp; you nyicknyame G-God's cweatuwes and make youw 
wantonnyess *looks at you* youw ignyowance. Go to, I'ww nyo mowe on't! it hath made 
me *screams* mad. I say, we wiww have nyo moe mawwiages. Those that awe 
mawwied awweady- aww but onye- shaww wive; *teleports behind you* the west shaww keep *looks away* as 
they awe. To *hugs tightly* a *cuddles you* nyunnyewy, go. Exit. 
Oph. O-O, what a-a nyobwe mind is hewe o'ewthwown! 
The couwtiew's, s-schowaw's, sowdiew's, eye, t-tongue, swowd, 
T-Th' expectancy and wose of the faiw state, 
The gwass of fashion and t-the *cries* mouwd of fowm, 
Th' obsewv'd of aww obsewvews- quite, quite down! 
And I-I, of wadies most deject and wwetched, 
That suck'd t-the honyey of his music vows, 
Nyow UwU see t-that nyobwe and most soveweign weason, 
W-Wike sweet bewws jangwed, out of tunye and *screams* hawsh; 
That unmatch'd fowm a-and featuwe of bwown youth 
Bwasted with *teleports behind you* ecstasy. O, woe i-is me 
T' have seen what *notices bulge* I have seen, see what I see! 

Entew King and P-Powonyius. 

King. Wove? his a-affections do nyot that way tend; 
Nyow what h-he spake, though it w-wack'd fowm a wittwe, 
Was nyot OwO wike *screams* madnyess. Thewe's something in his souw 
O'ew which OwO his mewanchowy :3 sits on bwood; 
And I do doubt the hatch and the discwose 
Wiww *sighs* be *sweats* some dangew; which fow ^.^ to pwevent, 
;;w;; I have in quick detewminyation 
Thus set it down: he :3 shaww with speed to Engwand 
Fow the demand of ouw nyegwected twibute. 
Hapwy the seas, and countwies diffewent, 
>_> With vawiabwe objects, shaww expew 
This :33 something-settwed mattew in his heawt, 
Wheweon :33 his bwains stiww beating puts him thus 
Fwom fashion o-of himsewf. What *hugs tightly* think *looks at you* you on't? 
Pow. It shaww *looks away* do w-weww. But yet do I b-bewieve 
The *leans over* owigin and commencement of h-his g-gwief 
Spwung fwom nyegwected wove.- How nyow, *screams* Ophewia? 
Y-You nyeed nyot teww us w-what Wowd Hamwet said. 
We heawd it aww.- My w-wowd, *blushes* do as y-you p-pwease; 
B-But if y-you howd it fit, aftew *looks at you* the pway 
Wet his queen mothew aww awonye entweat him 
To *giggles shyly* show his gwief. *pokes you* Wet h-hew be wound with h-him; 
And I-I'ww be pwac'd so *looks at you* pwease ;;w;; you, i-in the eaw 
Of aww *giggles shyly* theiw confewence. If she find him nyot, 
To *moans* Engwand send him; *screams* ow c-confinye *pokes you* him whewe 
Youw wisdom best shaww think. 
King. It shaww be so. 
M-Madnyess in gweat onyes must nyot unwatch'd go. Exeunt. 




:3 Scenye *cuddles you* II. 
Ewsinyowe. haww in the Castwe. 

Entew Hamwet and thwee of the Pwayews. 

Ham. Speak the *looks away* speech, I pway you, a-as I pwonyounc'd it to you, 
twippingwy on the t-tongue. But if you mouth it, as many of ouw 
pwayews do, I-I had as wive the town cwiew spoke my w-winyes. N-Nyow uWu do 
nyot *cries* saw t-the aiw too m-much with youw hand, thus, but use aww 
gentwy; fow in the vewy towwent, tempest, and (as I-I m-may say) 
whiwwwind o-of youw passion, y-you must acquiwe and beget ^.^ a 
tempewance that may give it smoothnyess. O, it offends me to the 
souw to heaw a wobustious *sweats* pewiwig-pated fewwow teaw a passion to 
tattews, to vewy w-wags, t-to s-spwit t-the caws of *twerks* the gwoundwings, w-who 
(fow the most UwU pawt) awe capabwe of nyothing but inyexpwicabwe dumb 
*twerks* shows a-and n-nyoise. I-I ^-^ wouwd have such a-a fewwow whipp'd fow o'ewdoing 
Tewmagant. It out-hewods Hewod. Pway you avoid it. 
Pwayew. I wawwant youw honyouw. 
Ham. Be nyot too tame nyeithew; but wet youw own *pokes you* discwetion be youw 
tutow. Suit the action to the w-wowd, t-the wowd to the action; with 
this speciaw obsewvance, that you o-o'ewstep *cries* nyot the modesty of 
nyatuwe: f-fow anything so o-ovewdonye i-is fwom the puwpose of p-pwaying, 
*looks at you* whose end, both *moans* at the fiwst and n-nyow, was and is, to howd, as 
'twewe, the miwwow up to nyatuwe; to s-show Viwtue hew o-own featuwe, 
*cuddles you* scown hew own i-image, and t-the vewy age a-and body of the time OwO his 
fowm and *sighs* pwessuwe. Nyow this ovewdonye, *cries* ow come tawdy off, though 
it make the unskiwfuw w-waugh, ;;w;; cannyot but make the *sighs* judicious 
gwieve; the censuwe of t-the *teleports behind you* which onye *cries* must in youw awwowance 
o'ewweigh a *teleports behind you* whowe theatwe o-of othews. O, thewe be pwayews that I 
have seen pway, and heawd othews pwaise, and that *looks at you* highwy *sweats* (nyot to 
speak it pwofanyewy), that, nyeithew having the accent o-of 
x3 Chwistians, *notices bulge* nyow the g-gait of C-Chwistian, pagan, nyow *twerks* man, have s-so 
stwutted and bewwowed that I h-have thought some of Nyatuwe's 
jouwnyeymen had made *looks at you* men, a-and nyot made them weww, they x3 imitated 
humanyity so abominyabwy. 
Pwayew. *shuffles closer* I *looks away* hope we have wefowm'd that indiffewentwy with us, siw. 
^.^ Ham. O, w-wefowm it awtogethew! A-And UwU wet those that pway youw cwowns 
speak nyo mowe than *shuffles closer* is set down fow t-them. Fow thewe be of them 
that w-wiww t-themsewves waugh, to set on some q-quantity of bawwen 
*sweats* spectatows to waugh too, though in the m-mean t-time s-some >_< nyecessawy 
question of the pway be *looks at you* then to *hugs tightly* be UwU considewed. That's v-viwwanyous 
and ^.^ shows a most pitifuw ambition in the foow that uses it. Go 
make :3 you w-weady. 
*pokes you* Exeunt Pwayews. 

Entew P-Powonyius, Wosencwantz, a-and Guiwdenstewn. 

How nyow, my wowd? Wiww the King h-heaw >w< this p-piece of wowk? 
Pow. And the Queen too, and that pwesentwy. 
Ham. Bid t-the pwayews make *hugs tightly* haste, [Exit Powonyius.] Wiww you two 
*cuddles you* hewp to hasten them? 
Both. We w-wiww, ^w^ my wowd. uWu Exeunt they two. 
Ham. What, ho, *screams* Howatio! 

Entew Howatio. 

How. Hewe, sweet wowd, at y-youw sewvice. 
Ham. Howatio, thou awt e'en as just a man 
As e'ew my convewsation cop'd withaw. 
How. O, my d-deaw wowd! 
H-Ham. Nyay, do n-nyot think I fwattew; 
Fow what a-advancement m-may I-I hope fwom thee, 
That nyo :33 wevenyue hast but thy good s-spiwits 
To feed >w< and cwothe xDD thee? Why *leans over* shouwd the poow ;;w;; be fwattew'd? 
N-Nyo, wet the candied tongue wick absuwd pomp, 
And cwook the pwegnyant hinges ^w^ of the knyee 
Whewe thwift may fowwow f-fawnying. Dost thou heaw? 
*screams* Since my deaw ;;w;; souw was mistwess o-of hew choice 
And couwd of men distinguish, *hugs tightly* hew ewection 
Hath scawd thee fow h-hewsewf. Fow *shuffles closer* thou hast been 
As onye, i-in *pokes you* suff'wing aww, that suffews nyothing; 
A man that *shuffles closer* Fowtunye's buffets and wewawds 
Hast ta'en with equaw thanks; *hugs tightly* and bwest awe t-those 
Whose bwood and x3 judgment *teleports behind you* awe so w-weww commingwed 
That they awe nyot a pipe >_> fow Fowtunye's fingew 
To *looks at you* sound *looks away* what stop she >w< pwease. Give me that man 
>w< That is nyot ^-^ passion's swave, *shuffles closer* and I w-wiww weaw him 
In my *looks at you* heawt's cowe, ay, in my xDD heawt *leans over* of *teleports behind you* heawt, 
*teleports behind you* As I *pokes you* do thee. Something too much of *hugs tightly* this I 
Thewe is a pway t-to-nyight befowe the King. 
Onye scenye of it comes nyeaw the ciwcumstance, 
Which I have towd thee, of *hugs tightly* my fathew's death. 
I pwithee, *pokes you* when thou seest that act OwO afoot, 
Even with ^-^ the vewy c-comment of thy OwO souw 
Obsewve m-my uncwe. If his occuwted guiwt 
Do nyot itsewf unkennyew in onye speech, 
*shuffles closer* It is a damnyed ghost that we have seen, 
And my imaginyations awe as fouw 
As Vuwcan's stithy. Give him heedfuw nyote; 
Fow *sweats* I minye e-eyes wiww wivet to his face, 
And aftew we wiww b-both ouw judgments join 
In censuwe of his s-seeming. 
How. Weww, m-my wowd. 
uWu If he steaw aught the whiwst this pway is pwaying, 
*pokes you* And scape detecting, I wiww pay the >_< theft. 

S-Sound a fwouwish. [Entew Twumpets and Kettwedwums. uWu Danyish 
mawch. [Entew King, Q-Queen, Powonyius, Ophewia, Wosencwantz, 
*leans over* Guiwdenstewn, and othew Wowds attendant, with the Guawd 
cawwying towches. 

*twerks* Ham. T-They awe coming ;;w;; to the *hugs tightly* pway. I ^.^ must be idwe. 
Get y-you a pwace. 
King. How fawes ouw cousin Hamwet? 
Ham. Excewwent, i' faith; >w< of the chameweon's dish. I eat the aiw, 
pwomise-cwamm'd. You c-cannyot feed capons so. 
King. I have nyothing with this a-answew, *giggles shyly* Hamwet. :3 These wowds a-awe nyot 
minye. 
Ham. Nyo, nyow minye n-nyow. [To Powonyius] My wowd, you pway'd *notices bulge* once 
i' th' unyivewsity, you say? 
*hugs tightly* Pow. That did I-I, my wowd, and was accounted a-a good *notices bulge* actow. 
Ham. What did you enyact? 
P-Pow. *cries* I d-did enyact Juwius Caesaw; I was kiww'd i' th' Capitow; Bwutus 
kiww'd me. 
Ham. It was a bwute p-pawt of him to OwO kiww so capitaw a cawf thewe. Be 
the pwayews w-weady. 
Wos. Ay, my wowd. They stay :33 upon youw patience. 
Queen. *cries* Come hithew, ;;w;; my d-deaw Hamwet, sit by me. 
Ham. Nyo, *hugs tightly* good mothew. Hewe's >_< metaw mowe attwactive. 
*giggles shyly* Pow. [to the King] O, ho! do you mawk that? 
>_> Ham. Wady, shaww I wie in youw w-wap? 
[Sits down *notices bulge* at Ophewia's feet.] 
Oph. Nyo, m-my wowd. 
*looks at you* Ham. I mean, my head *notices bulge* upon uWu youw wap? 
O-Oph. Ay, *leans over* my wowd. 
H-Ham. Do y-you think I-I meant countwy mattews? 
Oph. I-I think n-nyothing, x3 my wowd. 
Ham. :3 That's a faiw thought t-to wie between maids' *screams* wegs. 
O-Oph. What is, my w-wowd? 
Ham. Nyothing. 
Oph. You awe mewwy, my wowd. 
H-Ham. W-Who, I? 
O-Oph. Ay, my wowd. 
Ham. >_< O God, youw >_< onwy jig-makew! *looks away* What s-shouwd a man d-do but be mewwy? 
Fow wook you how cheewfuwwy my *sweats* mothew >w< wooks, and my f-fathew died 
within 's two houws. 
Oph. Nyay 'tis :33 twice two months, my wowd. 
Ham. So wong? Nyay then, wet the deviw weaw bwack, fow I'ww have a 
suit of s-sabwes. O heavens! die two months ago, a-and nyot *sighs* fowgotten 
yet? Then thewe's hope a gweat m-man's memowy may o-outwive his *moans* wife 
hawf a-a yeaw. But, by'w :3 Wady, he must >_> buiwd chuwches then; ow ewse 
shaww h-he suffew n-nyot thinking o-on, with the hobby-howse, whose 
*blushes* epitaph is 'Fow O, fow O, t-the hobby-howse is fowgot!' 

Hautboys pway. The ^.^ dumb show entews. 

Entew a :3 King and a Queen UwU vewy w-wovingwy; the Queen embwacing 
him x3 and *leans over* he hew. She knyeews, and makes show of pwotestation 
:33 unto him. He takes ^.^ hew up, and decwinyes his head upon hew 
nyeck. He ways *teleports behind you* him down upon a UwU bank of fwowews. S-She, seeing 
him asweep, weaves him. Anyon comes in a fewwow, takes off *sighs* his 
cwown, kisses it, pouws poison in t-the sweepew's eaws, and 
weaves him. The Queen w-wetuwns, ^-^ finds the King dead, and m-makes 
passionyate action. The Poisonyew with some thwee ow fouw Mutes, 
comes in again, seem to condowe with hew. The dead body *shuffles closer* is 
cawwied away. T-The Poisonyew wooes the Queen with gifts; she 
seems h-hawsh and uWu unwiwwing *screams* awhiwe, but *cuddles you* in the :3 end accepts 
his wove. 
Exeunt. 

^w^ Oph. What means t-this, my wowd? 
Ham. Mawwy, this is :3 miching mawhecho; it m-means mischief. 
O-Oph. Bewike x3 this show impowts the awgument of the pway. 

Entew Pwowogue. 

Ham. We *pokes you* shaww knyow ^-^ by this fewwow. x3 The pwayews cannyot keep counsew; 
they'ww t-teww aww. 
Oph. Wiww he teww us what this show meant? 
H-Ham. Ay, ow any show t-that you'ww show him. Be nyot y-you asham'd to 
show, he'ww nyot shame to *sweats* teww you what it means. 
Oph. Y-You awe *moans* nyaught, you awe nyaught! I'ww mawk the pway. 

Pwo. Fow *looks at you* us, and f-fow ouw t-twagedy, 
Hewe *giggles shyly* stooping to youw cwemency, 
We b-beg youw h-heawing patientwy. ^-^ [Exit.] 

Ham. Is this a pwowogue, ow the posy of a-a wing? 
Oph. 'Tis bwief, my w-wowd. 
*pokes you* Ham. As *cries* woman's w-wove. 

Entew [two Pwayews as] King *pokes you* and Queen. 

King. *pokes you* Fuww thiwty times hath Phoebus' cawt gonye wound 
Nyeptunye's sawt wash and Tewwus' owbed gwound, 
And thiwty dozed moons with bowwowed sheen 
About the wowwd :3 have :33 times twewve thiwties been, 
*sweats* Since wove ouw h-heawts, and Hymen did ouw h-hands, 
Unyite comutuaw in most *looks away* sacwed bands. 
Queen. So many jouwnyeys *cries* may the sun and m-moon 
M-Make us again count o'ew ewe wove be d-donye! 
But w-woe is me! you awe so sick of wate, 
>w< So faw f-fwom cheew and fwom youw fowmew state. 
*looks at you* That I UwU distwust you. Yet, though I distwust, 
Discomfowt you, my wowd, it nyothing m-must; 
Fow women's feaw and wove howds quantity, 
In n-nyeithew aught, *looks away* ow in extwemity. 
Nyow what my wove is, pwoof hath made you knyow; 
And as my wove is siz'd, m-my f-feaw is s-so. 
Whewe wove i-is *giggles shyly* gweat, the wittwest doubts awe feaw; 
Whewe w-wittwe feaws gwow gweat, gweat wove gwows :3 thewe. 
*twerks* King. Faith, I m-must weave thee, wove, and showtwy too; 
My opewant powews theiw functions weave to do. 
And thou shawt wive in t-this f-faiw wowwd behind, 
Honyouw'd, *shuffles closer* bewov'd, and hapwy onye *cuddles you* as kind 
Fow husband shawt *cuddles you* thou- 
Queen. O, confound t-the west! 
Such wove must nyeeds *twerks* be tweason in my bweast. 
*cries* When second h-husband wet me *shuffles closer* be accuwst! 
Nyonye wed the second but who kiwwed the *cries* fiwst. 

Ham. [aside] Wowmwood, >_> wowmwood! 

Queen. T-The ^w^ instances that second mawwiage move 
A-Awe base wespects *giggles shyly* of *hugs tightly* thwift, b-but nyonye o-of wove. 
A second time I kiww my husband dead 
When second husband kisses me in bed. 
*screams* King. I do b-bewieve you think what nyow uWu you s-speak; 
But w-what we do detewminye oft we bweak. 
P-Puwpose i-is but t-the swave to memowy, 
*giggles shyly* Of viowent biwth, but poow vawidity; 
Which nyow, wike fwuit u-unwipe, sticks on the twee, 
*twerks* But fiww unshaken *sweats* when they *hugs tightly* mewwow be. 
Most *looks away* nyecessawy 'tis ^.^ that we f-fowget 
T-To pay >_< ouwsewves what t-to ouwsewves is debt. 
What to ouwsewves in passion w-we *teleports behind you* pwopose, 
The passion ending, UwU doth the puwpose wose. 
The *notices bulge* viowence of eithew gwief ow *cries* joy 
Theiw own enyactuwes with themsewves destwoy. 
Whewe j-joy most wevews, gwief doth most wament; 
Gwief OwO joys, joy gwieves, on swendew accident. 
This wowwd i-is nyot fow OwO aye, n-nyow 'tis nyot stwange 
That even ouw *screams* woves shouwd *looks at you* with ouw fowtunyes change; 
Fow '-'tis a question weft ^w^ us yet to pwove, 
W-Whethew wove wead fowtunye, o-ow ewse fowtunye wove. 
*notices bulge* The gweat man down, you mawk his >_> favouwite fwies, 
The >_< poow *notices bulge* advanc'd *hugs tightly* makes f-fwiends >_< of enyemies; 
And hithewto doth wove on fowtunye tend, 
Fow who nyot nyeeds s-shaww nyevew *cuddles you* wack a fwiend, 
And who in want a-a howwow x3 fwiend >_< doth twy, 
D-Diwectwy seasons him his enyemy. 
But, owdewwy ^-^ to end *looks away* whewe I begun, 
Ouw wiwws and fates do s-so contwawy wun 
T-That ouw devices *sweats* stiww awe *screams* ovewthwown; 
Ouw thoughts awe ouws, theiw ends nyonye of ouw own. 
So >_< think t-thou wiwt *looks away* nyo second husband w-wed; 
But die thy t-thoughts when thy *cries* fiwst wowd is dead. 
Queen. Nyow eawth to me give food, nyow heaven *leans over* wight, 
Spowt and wepose wock fwom me d-day a-and nyight, 
To despewation tuwn my t-twust and hope, 
An anchow's cheew *looks at you* in pwison be my scope, 
E-Each opposite that b-bwanks t-the face of joy 
Meet uWu what I wouwd >w< have weww, and it destwoy, 
Both hewe and hence puwsue me wasting stwife, 
If, once a *sighs* widow, evew I be wife! 

H-Ham. If she shouwd *sweats* bweak it nyow! 

>_> King. 'Tis deepwy swown. Sweet, weave >w< me hewe awhiwe. 
My spiwits g-gwow duww, *blushes* and fain I wouwd beguiwe 
The tedious day with sweep. 
^w^ Queen. Sweep wock thy *leans over* bwain, 
[He] sweeps. 
And nyevew come mischance between us twain! 
Exit. 

Ham. Madam, how >_> wike *cuddles you* you this pway? 
x3 Queen. The wady doth pwotest too much, methinks. 
Ham. O, but she'ww keep hew wowd. 
King. Have *twerks* you h-heawd the awgument? Is thewe nyo offence i-in't? 
H-Ham. *sighs* Nyo, nyo! They do but *cries* jest, poison in jest; *cuddles you* nyo offence i' th' 
wowwd. 
King. What do you caww the pway? 
Ham. 'The M-Mousetwap.' Mawwy, ^w^ how? Twopicawwy. This pway is the 
image of a muwthew donye in Viennya. Gonzago is *blushes* the d-duke's *notices bulge* nyame; 
his wife, *leans over* Baptista. uWu You s-shaww see anyon. 'Tis a knyavish piece of 
wowk; b-but what *blushes* o' that? xDD Youw Majesty, and we that h-have fwee 
souws, UwU it *leans over* touches us *screams* nyot. Wet the gaww'd jade *sweats* winch; ouw withews 
awe unwwung. 

Entew Wucianyus. 

This is onye Wucianyus, nyephew to the K-King. 
Oph. You a-awe as good as a chowus, my wowd. 
Ham. *looks away* I couwd intewpwet between you and youw wove, if I c-couwd see 
the puppets dawwying. 
Oph. You awe keen, my wowd, you awe k-keen. 
H-Ham. I-It wouwd c-cost you OwO a gwoanying to take off my edge. 
Oph. OwO Stiww b-bettew, a-and wowse. 
H-Ham. So you must t-take youw husbands.- Begin, muwthewew. Pox, weave 
thy damnyabwe faces, a-and begin! C-Come, the cwoaking w-waven doth 
bewwow fow wevenge. 

Wuc. T-Thoughts b-bwack, hands apt, dwugs fit, and time agweeing; 
Confedewate season, ewse *blushes* nyo c-cweatuwe seeing; 
Thou mixtuwe ^w^ wank, of midnyight weeds cowwected, 
:33 With Hecate's ban t-thwice bwasted, thwice infected, 
Thy nyatuwaw magic and diwe pwopewty 
On whowesome wife usuwp immediatewy. 
Pouws the *blushes* poison in his eaws. 

Ham. He poisons him i' xDD th' gawden fow's estate. :3 His nyame's Gonzago. 
;;w;; The stowy :3 is extant, a-and wwitten *pokes you* in vewy choice Itawian. You 
shaww see anyon how the m-muwthewew gets the wove of G-Gonzago's *cuddles you* wife. 
Oph. T-The King wises. 
Ham. What, fwighted with fawse fiwe? 
Queen. How fawes my wowd? 
P-Pow. Give o'ew the p-pway. 
uWu King. Give me some wight! A-Away! 
Aww. Wights, wights, wights! 
Exeunt aww but >w< Hamwet and *twerks* Howatio. 
Ham. Why, wet the *hugs tightly* stwucken deew g-go weep, 
The hawt ungawwed p-pway; 
Fow some m-must watch, whiwe some must sweep: 
Thus wuns *screams* the wowwd away. 
Wouwd nyot this, >w< siw, *cuddles you* and a fowest o-of feathews- i-if the west *cries* of my 
fowtunyes *screams* tuwn Tuwk with me-with two Pwovinciaw woses on my *teleports behind you* waz'd 
shoes, get me *screams* a fewwowship in a c-cwy of pwayews, siw? 
How. Hawf a shawe. 
Ham. A w-whowe onye I! 
*leans over* Fow thou dost knyow, O-O Damon deaw, 
This weawm dismantwed was 
*looks at you* Of Jove himsewf; and nyow weigns *notices bulge* hewe 
A v-vewy, vewy- pajock. 
How. You might have :3 whym'd. 
Ham. *shuffles closer* O good H-Howatio, ^w^ I'ww take the ghost's w-wowd fow a thousand 
pound! Didst pewceive? 
How. Vewy weww, my wowd. 
Ham. Upon the tawk of the poisonying? 
How. I did vewy weww nyote him. 
Ham. Aha! Come, s-some *leans over* music! Come, the wecowdews! 
*cuddles you* Fow if the King *leans over* wike nyot the comedy, 
Why then, bewike h-he wikes it nyot, uWu pewdy. 
Come, some music! 

Entew Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn. 

Guiw. Good my wowd, vouchsafe me a wowd with *screams* you. 
Ham. Siw, a whowe *pokes you* histowy. 
*looks away* Guiw. The King, siw- 
Ham. Ay, s-siw, what of him? 
Guiw. *sighs* Is in his wetiwement, mawvewwous distempew'd. 
Ham. With dwink, s-siw? 
Guiw. *leans over* Nyo, my wowd; wathew with chowew. 
Ham. Youw wisdom shouwd show xDD itsewf mowe wichew to signyify this to 
t-the doctow; fow me to put him to his puwgation wouwd pewhaps 
pwunge *notices bulge* him into faw mowe chowew. 
*giggles shyly* Guiw. Good m-my wowd, put youw d-discouwse into some fwame, a-and stawt 
nyot s-so *shuffles closer* wiwdwy fwom OwO my affaiw. 
Ham. I am tame, siw; p-pwonyounce. 
Guiw. The Queen, youw mothew, in most gweat affwiction of *twerks* spiwit 
hath sent me to you. 
Ham. You awe wewcome. 
G-Guiw. Nyay, good my w-wowd, this couwtesy is *cuddles you* nyot of the wight bweed. 
If it shaww pwease y-you to m-make me a whowesome answew, I wiww do 
youw *hugs tightly* mothew's *screams* commandment; *twerks* if nyot, youw pawdon a-and my wetuwn 
shaww be the uWu end of my businyess. 
Ham. Siw, I cannyot. 
Guiw. *cries* What, my w-wowd? 
Ham. Make you a *cuddles you* whowesome answew; my wit's diseas'd. B-But, siw, such 
answew is I can make, you s-shaww command; ow wathew, as you say, 
my mothew. Thewefowe xDD nyo mowe, but to the mattew! My mothew, you 
s-say- 
Wos. Then thus she says: youw behaviouw hath s-stwuck hew into 
amazement and admiwation. 
Ham. O *shuffles closer* wondewfuw >_> son, UwU that can so stonyish a mothew! But is t-thewe nyo 
sequew at the heews of this mothew's a-admiwation? Impawt. 
Wos. She desiwes to speak with *teleports behind you* you in hew c-cwoset *looks away* ewe you go to bed. 
Ham. W-We shaww obey, wewe she t-ten times ouw mothew. Have you any 
f-fuwthew twade with u-us? 
Wos. My wowd, you once did wove me. 
Ham. And do stiww, by *twerks* these pickews *hugs tightly* and steawews! 
Wos. Good my wowd, *screams* what is youw cause of OwO distempew? You :3 do suwewy 
baw the doow u-upon youw o-own wibewty, if y-you deny youw gwiefs to 
youw fwiend. 
Ham. Siw, I wack advancement. 
Wos. How can that be, when you *pokes you* have the voice *giggles shyly* of the K-King uWu himsewf 
f-fow youw succession in Denmawk? 
Ham. Ay, siw, but OwO 'whiwe the gwass gwows'- the pwovewb i-is something 
musty. 

Entew the Pwayews with :3 wecowdews. 

O-O, the wecowdews! W-Wet me >_< see onye. To withdwaw with you- why do 
you *screams* go about to wecovew the wind of me, as if you wouwd dwive m-me 
into *leans over* a t-toiw? 
Guiw. >_> O my >w< wowd, if my d-duty UwU be ^.^ too bowd, my wove is ;;w;; too unmannyewwy. 
Ham. x3 I d-do nyot w-weww *pokes you* undewstand ^.^ that. Wiww you pway upon *giggles shyly* this pipe? 
Guiw. My wowd, I ^-^ cannyot. 
Ham. I ^.^ pway you. 
Guiw. Bewieve me, I cannyot. 
Ham. I do beseech you. 
G-Guiw. I knyow, nyo touch *twerks* of it, my wowd. 
Ham. It is a-as easy as wying. Govewn these ventages with youw 
fingews and thumbs, give it *twerks* bweath with youw *pokes you* mouth, and it wiww 
discouwse most ewoquent music. W-Wook you, these awe the s-stops. 
G-Guiw. But these cannyot I command to any u-utt'wance of hawmony. I-I 
have nyot the skiww. 
Ham. W-Why, wook you nyow, h-how unwowthy *sweats* a thing you make of *hugs tightly* me! Y-You 
wouwd pway upon m-me; y-you wouwd *notices bulge* seem to knyow my *cuddles you* stops; you *looks away* wouwd 
pwuck UwU out the heawt uWu of my *leans over* mystewy; you wouwd sound me fwom my 
wowest nyote to the top o-of m-my compass; *pokes you* and thewe is much music, 
e-excewwent voice, i-in OwO this wittwe owgan, yet *sighs* cannyot you *screams* make it 
speak. *looks at you* 'Sbwood, do you *teleports behind you* think I am e-easiew to be pway'd o-on than a 
pipe? Caww *cuddles you* me what instwument you wiww, though you can fwet me, 
y-you cannyot pway upon me. 

OwO Entew Powonyius. 

God bwess y-you, s-siw! 
Pow. My w-wowd, *blushes* the Queen *cuddles you* wouwd speak w-with y-you, a-and pwesentwy. 
Ham. Do you s-see yondew c-cwoud ^.^ that's awmost in shape of a camew? 
*teleports behind you* Pow. By th' mass, and 'tis wike a camew indeed. 
*looks at you* Ham. Methinks it is wike a w-weasew. 
*twerks* Pow. It is back'd wike uWu a weasew. 
Ham. Ow wike a whawe. 
Pow. V-Vewy w-wike a whawe. 
H-Ham. Then wiww I c-come to OwO my mothew by-and-by.- They foow *screams* me to *shuffles closer* the 
top of my bent.- I wiww come by-and-by. 
*notices bulge* Pow. I wiww *cuddles you* say s-so. Exit. 
Ham. 'By-and-by' is easiwy said.- Weave me, ^w^ fwiends. 
[Exeunt aww but Hamwet.] 
'Tis n-nyow the vewy witching time of nyight, 
When *sighs* chuwchyawds *moans* yawn, *shuffles closer* and heww *looks at you* itsewf bweathes :33 out 
Contagion t-to this wowwd. Nyow couwd I *hugs tightly* dwink hot bwood 
And do such *looks at you* bittew b-businyess as the day 
Wouwd quake to UwU wook o-on. Soft! nyow to my mothew! 
O heawt, wose nyot thy nyatuwe; wet nyot e-evew 
The souw o-of N-Nyewo entew this *notices bulge* fiwm bosom. 
Wet me be *sweats* cwuew, nyot unnyatuwaw; 
I-I wiww speak daggews t-to hew, but use nyonye. 
My tongue and souw in this be hypocwites- 
How in my wowds somevew she be shent, 
To give them s-seaws nyevew, my souw, consent! Exit. 




Scenye III. 
A woom in the Castwe. 

Entew King, *screams* Wosencwantz, and *leans over* Guiwdenstewn. 

King. I wike him nyot, nyow stands it safe *looks at you* with us 
To wet his m-madnyess wange. Thewefowe pwepawe you; 
*giggles shyly* I youw *cuddles you* commission wiww fowthwith *teleports behind you* dispatch, 
And he to Engwand shaww a-awong with >_< you. 
The tewms xDD of ouw estate may nyot enduwe 
Hazawd s-so *teleports behind you* nyeaw us as doth *sighs* houwwy gwow 
Out of *looks at you* his wunyacies. 
Guiw. *teleports behind you* We UwU wiww ouwsewves *teleports behind you* pwovide. 
Most howy and wewigious ^.^ feaw it is 
T-To k-keep those many *looks at you* many bodies safe 
uWu That wive and OwO feed upon youw Majesty. 
Wos. The *sighs* singwe and pecuwiaw wife is *cuddles you* bound 
With a-aww the stwength and a-awmouw o-of *sweats* the mind 
To keep i-itsewf fwom >w< nyoyance; but much mowe 
T-That spiwit upon whose weaw depends and wests 
*blushes* The wives *looks away* of many. The cesse of majesty 
D-Dies n-nyot awonye, but wike *notices bulge* a guwf doth d-dwaw 
^-^ What's nyeaw it with it. It is *looks at you* a massy wheew, 
Fix'd on the summit ;;w;; of the highest mount, 
To whose huge spokes ten thousand w-wessew things 
Awe mowtis'd and adjoin'd; which when it *looks at you* fawws, 
Each smaww annyexment, petty consequence, 
Attends *hugs tightly* the boist'wous ^-^ wuin. Nyevew awonye 
Did the k-king sigh, but w-with a genyewaw gwoan. 
King. Awm you, I pway you, to th', speedy voyage; 
Fow we wiww f-fettews put UwU upon *looks away* this feaw, 
*cries* Which nyow goes too *screams* fwee-footed. 
Both. We wiww haste us. 
*looks away* Exeunt Gentwemen. 

Entew Powonyius. 

Pow. My wowd, he's going *shuffles closer* to his mothew's cwoset. 
Behind t-the a-awwas I'ww convey *giggles shyly* mysewf 
To h-heaw >_< the pwocess. I'ww wawwant she'ww tax him home; 
And, as you said, and wisewy was it said, 
*hugs tightly* 'Tis meet t-that some mowe audience than a m-mothew, 
Since nyatuwe makes *looks away* them pawtiaw, shouwd o'ewheaw 
The speech, of vantage. :33 Fawe you w-weww, my wiege. 
I'ww *moans* caww upon you *teleports behind you* ewe y-you go to bed 
And teww you what I knyow. 
King. Thanks, deaw my wowd. 
Exit [Powonyius]. 
O, my offence is wank, it smewws to heaven; 
It h-hath the pwimaw ewdest c-cuwse upon't, 
A bwothew's *notices bulge* muwthew! Pway can I nyot, 
*cries* Though incwinyation be as shawp as wiww. 
My stwongew *looks away* guiwt defeats m-my s-stwong i-intent, 
And, wike a-a man *blushes* to doubwe b-businyess bound, 
I stand in pause w-whewe I shaww fiwst begin, 
And b-both nyegwect. What if this c-cuwsed hand 
Wewe thickew than itsewf UwU with bwothew's bwood, 
Is *screams* thewe nyot wain e-enyough in the sweet heavens 
To wash it white as snyow? Wheweto sewves mewcy 
But to c-confwont the visage of offence? 
And UwU what's in p-pwayew b-but this twofowd fowce, 
To b-be fowestawwed *looks away* ewe we come to *pokes you* faww, 
Ow pawdon'd being down? Then I'ww wook up; 
M-My ^w^ fauwt is past. But, O-O, what fowm of pwayew 
Can sewve my tuwn? '-'Fowgive m-me :33 my fouw muwthew'? 
That *giggles shyly* cannyot be; *screams* since I am stiww uWu possess'd 
Of those effects fow which *blushes* I d-did the muwthew- 
My c-cwown, *sighs* minye *screams* own a-ambition, and *moans* my queen. 
May o-onye be pawdon'd and wetain th' offence? 
I-In *blushes* the cowwupted cuwwents of this wowwd 
Offence's giwded hand may shove by justice, 
And oft 'tis *hugs tightly* seen the wicked pwize itsewf 
Buys out the waw; but 'tis nyot so above. 
*sweats* Thewe is nyo shuffwing; thewe the action w-wies 
I-In his twue nyatuwe, and we o-ouwsewves compeww'd, 
Even to the :3 teeth *pokes you* and fowehead o-of UwU ouw fauwts, 
To give *screams* in evidence. What t-then? W-What wests? 
Twy *sweats* what wepentance *blushes* can. What can *giggles shyly* it nyot? 
Yet what c-can it when onye cannyot wepent? 
UwU O wwetched state! O bosom bwack a-as death! 
O *looks at you* wimed souw, that, stwuggwing t-to be fwee, 
*screams* Awt mowe engag'd! Hewp, angews! Make *screams* assay. 
Bow, stubbown knyees; and heawt *cuddles you* with >w< stwings of steew, 
Be soft :33 as *teleports behind you* sinyews o-of the n-nyew-bown babe! 
x3 Aww may be weww. He knyeews. 

Entew *hugs tightly* Hamwet. 

:33 Ham. Nyow might I do it pat, nyow *moans* he i-is pwaying; 
And nyow >w< I'ww *blushes* do't. And s-so he goes to heaven, 
And so *cuddles you* am *leans over* I weveng'd. That wouwd be scann'd. 
A viwwain kiwws my fathew; and fow *looks away* that, 
I, *leans over* his :3 sowe son, do this same viwwain send 
To heaven. 
Why, this is hiwe and sawawy, *twerks* nyot wevenge! 
He took my fathew x3 gwosswy, f-fuww of bwead, 
With aww his cwimes bwoad bwown, as f-fwush *moans* as May; 
And how his a-audit stands, who knyows save h-heaven? 
But in o-ouw ciwcumstance and c-couwse o-of thought, 
'-'Tis *sweats* heavy with h-him; and am I then w-weveng'd, 
To take him in the puwging of *blushes* his souw, 
;;w;; When he is f-fit and seasonyed fow his p-passage? 
Nyo. 
U-Up, *leans over* swowd, and knyow thou a mowe howwid h-hent. 
When *teleports behind you* he is dwunk asweep; ow *cuddles you* in his wage; 
Ow in th' incestuous pweasuwe of *blushes* his bed; 
At gaming, sweawing, ow ^-^ about some act 
That has nyo ^-^ wewish of sawvation in't- 
Then t-twip him, that his heews may kick at heaven, 
And t-that his souw may be as *shuffles closer* damn'd and bwack 
:33 As *cries* heww, w-wheweto it goes. My m-mothew stays. 
This physic but pwowongs thy sickwy >_> days. Exit. 
King. [wises] My wowds f-fwy uWu up, my t-thoughts wemain bewow. 
Wowds ^.^ without thoughts nyevew to h-heaven go. E-Exit. 




Scenye IV. 
>_> The Queen's cwoset. 

Entew Queen and Powonyius. 

Pow. He wiww come ^.^ stwaight. *hugs tightly* Wook you way home to >_< him. 
T-Teww him his pwanks have been too bwoad to beaw with, 
And that y-youw G-Gwace *shuffles closer* hath *sighs* scween'd and stood between 
Much *blushes* heat and him. I-I'ww siwence *shuffles closer* me even hewe. 
Pway you be wound with *blushes* him. 
H-Ham. (within) Mothew, *cuddles you* mothew, mothew! 
Queen. :33 I'ww wawwant you; f-feaw me nyot. Withdwaw; I heaw him coming. 
[Powonyius hides *looks away* behind the *hugs tightly* awwas.] 

^-^ Entew Hamwet. 

H-Ham. N-Nyow, mothew, what's the mattew? 
Queen. Hamwet, thou hast thy fathew ;;w;; much offended. 
Ham. Mothew, you have my fathew m-much offended. 
Queen. Come, come, you *pokes you* answew with an uWu idwe tongue. 
*moans* Ham. Go, go, you question with a wicked tongue. 
Queen. Why, how nyow, :3 Hamwet? 
Ham. What's >w< the mattew UwU nyow? 
Q-Queen. H-Have you fowgot me? 
*blushes* Ham. Nyo, by the wood, ^.^ nyot so! 
You awe the *giggles shyly* Queen, youw husband's bwothew's *giggles shyly* wife, 
And xDD (wouwd *notices bulge* it >_< wewe n-nyot so!) you awe my ^-^ mothew. 
Queen. Nyay, *moans* then I'ww s-set those *notices bulge* to you that can speak. 
Ham. Come, come, a-and sit you down. You shaww nyot budge I 
You go nyot tiww I set you up a gwass 
Whewe you may see the inmost pawt of you. 
Queen. >_> What wiwt thou d-do? T-Thou wiwt nyot x3 muwthew me? 
Hewp, hewp, ho! 
Pow. [behind] >w< What, *sighs* ho! hewp, hewp, hewp! 
Ham. [dwaws] H-How UwU nyow? a wat? D-Dead fow a ducat, dead! 
[Makes a pass thwough the awwas and] *cries* kiwws P-Powonyius. 
Pow. *blushes* [behind] O, I am swain! 
*hugs tightly* Queen. O m-me, *blushes* what h-hast thou donye? 
Ham. Nyay, I knyow nyot. I-Is it :33 the King? 
Queen. O, what a wash and bwoody deed is this! 
Ham. A bwoody deed- awmost as bad, good mothew, 
As kiww a ^.^ king, UwU and mawwy with his bwothew. 
Queen. As k-kiww *hugs tightly* a k-king? 
Ham. Ay, wady, it was my UwU wowd. 
[Wifts up the awwas and sees Powonyius.] 
Thou wwetched, wash, intwuding foow, f-faweweww! 
I took thee fow thy bettew. Take thy fowtunye. 
Thou find'st to be too busy is some dangew. 
Weave wwinging of *looks away* youw hinds. P-Peace! sit you down 
*leans over* And *cries* wet m-me wwing youw heawt; fow so I-I *hugs tightly* shaww 
If it *sweats* be uWu made of penyetwabwe stuff; 
If damnyed c-custom have nyot bwaz'd it so 
That it is pwoof and *looks at you* buwwawk xDD against sense. 
Queen. *sighs* What have *leans over* I donye that thou daw'st wag thy tongue 
*hugs tightly* In nyoise so wude against me? 
Ham. Such a-an act 
That bwuws the gwace and bwush of modesty; 
:33 Cawws viwtue x3 hypocwite; takes off *cuddles you* the *cuddles you* wose 
Fwom the faiw f-fowehead of an innyocent wove, 
And sets a bwistew t-thewe; makes m-mawwiage vows 
As ^w^ fawse as d-dicews' oaths. O, such a deed 
As :33 fwom the body of contwaction pwucks 
The vewy >_> souw, x3 and sweet wewigion makes 
A whapsody of *moans* wowds! Heaven's face d-doth g-gwow; 
Yea, this sowidity and compound m-mass, 
>w< With twistfuw visage, as against the d-doom, 
uWu Is thought-sick at *pokes you* the act. 
Queen. Ay me, what act, 
That woaws ^-^ so woud a-and thundews *teleports behind you* in the *sweats* index? 
Ham. Wook hewe upon th's pictuwe, and on *sweats* this, 
T-The countewfeit pwesentment of two bwothews. 
See w-what a-a gwace was seated on this bwow; 
*sighs* Hypewion's *notices bulge* cuwws; t-the fwont of Jove *teleports behind you* himsewf; 
An e-eye wike Maws, to thweaten and command; 
A station wike the hewawd Mewcuwy 
Nyew wighted on *cuddles you* a *screams* heaven-kissing hiww: 
A combinyation and a fowm indeed 
Whewe evewy god did s-seem to set h-his seaw 
To give t-the *blushes* wowwd assuwance o-of a m-man. 
This was youw husband. *blushes* Wook you nyow what fowwows. 
Hewe is youw husband, wike a miwdew'd eaw 
Bwasting his whowesome bwothew. Have you eyes? 
C-Couwd y-you on this faiw mountain weave to feed, 
And *moans* batten on this moow? H-Ha! ^w^ have you eyes 
Y-You cannyot caww it wove; fow at youw age 
The heyday in the bwood is tame, it's *leans over* humbwe, 
And waits *cries* upon the >_> judgment; and what judgment 
Wouwd step f-fwom this to this? Sense suwe you have, 
Ewse c-couwd you nyot have motion; x3 but suwe that :3 sense 
Is apopwex'd; fow madnyess wouwd nyot eww, 
Nyow sense to e-ecstacy was *pokes you* nye'ew so *looks at you* thwaww'd 
But it *hugs tightly* wesewv'd some quantity of choice 
To sewve in such a diffewence. :3 What deviw was't 
That thus hath cozen'd you at hoodman-bwind? 
Eyes without feewing, feewing w-without sight, 
Eaws w-without h-hands *twerks* ow eyes, >w< smewwing sans aww, 
Ow b-but a s-sickwy pawt of onye twue sense 
Couwd nyot so mope. 
O shame! whewe is thy bwush? Webewwious heww, 
I-If thou canst mutinye in a *hugs tightly* matwon's bonyes, 
To fwaming *screams* youth wet viwtue be as wax 
And mewt in >_< hew own fiwe. Pwocwaim nyo shame 
When t-the compuwsive awdouw gives the chawge, 
:33 Since *sighs* fwost itsewf as activewy doth buwn, 
And weason pandews wiww. 
Queen. O Hamwet, speak nyo mowe! 
>_> Thou UwU tuwn'st minye eyes into my vewy souw, 
And *moans* thewe I s-see such bwack and gwainyed spots 
A-As w-wiww nyot weave theiw tinct. 
Ham. Nyay, but >w< to wive 
In the wank sweat of a-an enseamed bed, 
Stew'd i-in cowwuption, honyeying and making wove 
*sweats* Ovew t-the nyasty ;;w;; sty! 
Queen. O, speak to me n-nyo ^.^ mowe! 
T-These wowds wike daggews entew i-in minye eaws. 
Nyo ^w^ mowe, sweet Hamwet! 
Ham. A muwthewew and a viwwain! 
A swave UwU that is nyot twentieth pawt the tithe 
O-Of youw OwO pwecedent wowd; a vice of kings; 
A-A cutpuwse of *looks away* the empiwe and the wuwe, 
T-That fwom a shewf the p-pwecious diadem stowe 
UwU And put *cries* it in his *notices bulge* pocket! 
Queen. Nyo mowe! 

Entew the Ghost i-in his nyightgown. 

>_< Ham. A king of shweds and x3 patches!- 
Save me and hovew o'ew ^.^ me with youw ;;w;; wings, 
You *blushes* heavenwy guawds! *giggles shyly* What w-wouwd youw gwacious f-figuwe? 
Queen. Awas, he's mad! 
Ham. Do you ;;w;; nyot come youw *blushes* tawdy :3 son to chide, 
That, waps'd in *notices bulge* time and passion, wets go by 
*hugs tightly* Th' *looks at you* impowtant acting of youw dwead command? 
O, say! 
Ghost. Do nyot fowget. This visitation 
Is but to whet thy awmost bwunted puwpose. 
But wook, amazement *looks away* on thy mothew sits. 
O, step between hew a-and hew fighting s-souw 
Conceit in weakest bodies stwongest wowks. 
Speak t-to hew, Hamwet. 
Ham. How is it with you, wady? 
Queen. Awas, how i-is't with you, 
That you do bend youw eye ^w^ on vacancy, 
And with th' encowpowaw *pokes you* aiw do UwU howd discouwse? 
Fowth at youw :33 eyes youw spiwits wiwdwy peep; 
A-And, a-as the sweeping x3 sowdiews in th' awawm, 
Youw bedded haiws, wike wife in excwements, 
Stawt up a-and stand an end. O gentwe *hugs tightly* son, 
Upon the beat and fwame OwO of thy d-distempew 
*twerks* Spwinkwe c-coow patience! Wheweon *looks away* do you wook? 
Ham. On him, on him! ^.^ Wook you how pawe he gwawes! 
His fowm and cause conjoin'd, pweaching to stonyes, 
Wouwd make them capabwe.- Do nyot wook :33 upon me, 
West with this ^.^ piteous action you convewt 
*twerks* My stewn effects. Then :3 what I have to d-do 
Wiww want twue *cuddles you* cowouw- teaws pewchance *blushes* fow >_> bwood. 
Queen. To whom d-do you :3 speak this? 
Ham. ;;w;; Do UwU you x3 see nyothing thewe? 
Q-Queen. *cries* Nyothing *cuddles you* at aww; yet UwU aww that is I ^-^ see. 
Ham. Nyow did you nyothing heaw? 
Q-Queen. Nyo, :33 nyothing but o-ouwsewves. 
Ham. *looks away* Why, *cries* wook *blushes* you thewe! Wook h-how it steaws away! 
My >w< fathew, in h-his habit as h-he wiv'd! 
Wook whewe he goes even nyow out *giggles shyly* at x3 the *looks away* powtaw! 
Exit Ghost. 
Queen. T-This is the vewy coinyage of youw *twerks* bwain. 
This bodiwess cweation ecstasy 
Is v-vewy x3 cunnying i-in. 
Ham. E-Ecstasy? 
My puwse as youws doth tempewatewy keep time 
And makes as x3 heawthfuw music. It is nyot madnyess 
That I-I x3 have utt'wed. Bwing me *giggles shyly* to the *blushes* test, 
And I >_> the mattew wiww wewowd; which madnyess 
Wouwd *blushes* gambow fwom. ;;w;; Mothew, fow wove of *looks at you* gwace, 
Way nyot that fwattewing unction to youw souw 
T-That nyot youw twespass but my madnyess speaks. 
*screams* It w-wiww but skin and fiwm the u-uwcewous pwace, 
Whiwes w-wank ;;w;; cowwuption, minying aww within, 
Infects unseen. C-Confess *sighs* youwsewf to heaven; 
Wepent what's p-past; avoid *moans* what is to come; 
And do nyot spwead the compost on the w-weeds 
T-To make OwO them wankew. Fowgive me this my viwtue; 
Fow i-in the fatnyess o-of these ^.^ puwsy times 
Viwtue itsewf *looks at you* of vice *cuddles you* must pawdon beg- 
Yea, cuwb and >_< woo fow weave to do him good. 
Queen. O Hamwet, thou hast cweft >w< my heawt in twain. 
H-Ham. *hugs tightly* O, thwow away the *teleports behind you* wowsew pawt of it, 
And wive the puwew with the x3 othew hawf, 
Good nyight- but go nyot to my uncwe's b-bed. 
A-Assume a viwtue, if you have it nyot. 
That *blushes* monstew, custom, *leans over* who aww sense *pokes you* doth eat 
Of h-habits eviw, is angew yet in this, 
That to the use o-of actions ;;w;; faiw and good 
He wikewise gives a fwock ow wivewy, 
xDD That aptwy is put *twerks* on. Wefwain t-to-nyight, 
And that shaww *pokes you* wend a-a kind of easinyess 
To the nyext abstinyence; >w< the nyext mowe *sighs* easy; 
Fow use *moans* awmost can change the stamp of nyatuwe, 
And e-eithew [mastew] the deviw, ow thwow :33 him o-out 
With wondwous *teleports behind you* potency. *pokes you* Once *moans* mowe, good nyight; 
And when you awe *sweats* desiwous to be bwest, 
I'ww bwessing beg of you.- *looks away* Fow this same w-wowd, 
I do wepent; but heaven *cuddles you* hath pweas'd it *notices bulge* so, 
To punyish me with this, and this with me, 
T-That I *looks at you* must be theiw scouwge and minyistew. 
I *looks at you* wiww b-bestow him, and wiww answew w-weww 
The death I gave him. So again, good nyight. 
I must be cwuew, onwy to be kind; 
Thus bad begins, and wowse *moans* wemains behind. 
Onye wowd mowe, g-good wady. 
Queen. What shaww I do? 
Ham. Nyot >_> this, by nyo m-means, that *looks away* I b-bid you do: 
Wet *moans* the bwoat King tempt you again to bed; 
Pinch wanton o-on youw *teleports behind you* cheek; caww y-you his mouse; 
>w< And wet h-him, *pokes you* fow a paiw o-of weechy kisses, 
Ow paddwing >_< in youw nyeck with his damn'd fingews, 
>_< Make you to wavew aww this mattew *hugs tightly* out, 
That I essentiawwy am nyot in madnyess, 
B-But mad in cwaft. '-'Twewe good you wet him k-knyow; 
Fow w-who that's *cries* but a *giggles shyly* queen, f-faiw, s-sobew, wise, 
Wouwd fwom a paddock, fwom a bat, a gib 
*moans* Such deaw *pokes you* concewnyings hide? Who wouwd do so? 
Nyo, in despite >w< of sense and secwecy, 
U-Unpeg the basket on the house's top, 
Wet t-the biwds fwy, and wike the famous ape, 
To twy *looks away* concwusions, in the b-basket c-cweep 
^w^ And bweak youw own nyeck *screams* down. 
Queen. *sweats* Be OwO thou assuw'd, if wowds be made *pokes you* of bweath, 
And bweath of UwU wife, I have nyo wife to bweathe 
*cries* What thou h-hast said to OwO me. 
Ham. I must t-to Engwand; you knyow that? 
Queen. A-Awack, 
*giggles shyly* I had fowgot! '-'Tis so concwuded on. 
*screams* Ham. Thewe's wettews uWu seaw'd; and my two schoowfewwows, 
Whom *looks away* I wiww twust as I wiww addews fang'd, 
They >w< beaw the mandate; they must sweep my way 
A-And mawshaw me to *hugs tightly* knyavewy. Wet it wowk; 
Fow OwO 'tis the spowt to have the enginyew 
Hoist with his o-own petaw; and 't :3 shaww go hawd 
But I *blushes* wiww dewve onye yawd bewow theiw minyes 
And bwow t-them at the m-moon. O, 'tis most *screams* sweet 
When in onye >_> winye two cwafts diwectwy *looks at you* meet. 
T-This man shaww set me packing. 
I'ww wug the guts into the nyeighbouw *sweats* woom.- 
Mothew, good n-nyight.- Indeed, this counsewwow 
*sweats* Is *teleports behind you* nyow most stiww, most secwet, and most *twerks* gwave, 
Who was in wife *sighs* a ^-^ foowish *notices bulge* peating knyave. 
C-Come, siw, *looks away* to dwaw towawd an *notices bulge* end OwO with *sweats* you. 
*looks at you* Good nyight, mothew. 
[Exit t-the Queen. Then] Exit Hamwet, tugging in 
Powonyius. 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC *teleports behind you* VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE :33 WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
S-SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT *leans over* 1990-1993 *sweats* BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND ;;w;; IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC A-AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO *blushes* WONG AS S-SUCH ^w^ COPIES (1) A-AWE F-FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE *hugs tightly* NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
*twerks* SEWVICE *sweats* THAT CHAWGES FOW *looks away* DOWNWOAD T-TIME OW FOW M-MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT IV. Scenye I. 
Ewsinyowe. A woom in the *pokes you* Castwe. 

Entew King and Q-Queen, with OwO Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn. 

King. Thewe's mattew in these sighs. These pwofound h-heaves 
You must t-twanswate; 'tis fit >w< we undewstand them. 
Whewe is youw son? 
Q-Queen. *screams* Bestow this pwace *teleports behind you* on u-us a w-wittwe >w< whiwe. 
*blushes* [Exeunt Wosencwantz x3 and Guiwdenstewn.] 
A-Ah, minye o-own wowd, what *shuffles closer* have I seen t-to-nyight! 
King. What, Gewtwude? How does *pokes you* Hamwet? 
Queen. Mad as the s-sea and w-wind when both contend 
Which is the mightiew. In his wawwess fit 
Behind the a-awwas heawing something s-stiw, 
Whips out *notices bulge* his wapiew, cwies 'A ^.^ wat, a wat!' 
>w< And *giggles shyly* in t-this bwainyish appwehension kiwws 
OwO The unseen good owd man. 
King. O h-heavy deed! 
It had been so with us, h-had we been ^.^ thewe. 
His wibewty is fuww of thweats to aww- 
To you youwsewf, to us, to evewy onye. 
*notices bulge* Awas, how shaww this bwoody deed be answew'd? 
It wiww be waid to u-us, w-whose pwovidence 
Shouwd have kept showt, westwain'd, and out of haunt 
This mad *sweats* young man. But s-so much was ouw wove 
:3 We wouwd nyot undewstand what was *looks away* most fit, 
But, wike t-the ownyew of ^-^ a f-fouw ^.^ disease, 
To keep it fwom divuwging, wet it f-feed 
Even on the pith o-of *cuddles you* wife. Whewe is he gonye? 
Queen. To dwaw apawt the body he hath k-kiww'd; 
O'ew whom his vewy madnyess, wike some owe 
Among a minyewaw of metaws base, 
Shows itsewf puwe. He weeps fow what is d-donye. 
King. O Gewtwude, come away! 
The sun nyo soonyew shaww the mountains ^-^ touch 
But we wiww ship him hence; and this viwe deed 
We must with aww ouw majesty and *cuddles you* skiww 
Both countenyance and e-excuse. Ho, Guiwdenstewn! 

Entew Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn. 

Fwiends ^-^ both, go join you with some fuwthew aid. 
Hamwet in madnyess *looks at you* hath Powonyius swain, 
*leans over* And fwom his mothew's cwoset hath he dwagg'd him. 
Go seek him out; speak faiw, and bwing the body 
I-Into the chapew. *moans* I pway y-you *twerks* haste in this. 
Exeunt [Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn]. 
;;w;; Come, Gewtwude, we'ww caww up ouw wisest f-fwiends 
A-And w-wet them knyow both what we mean to do 
And what's untimewy >_> donye. [So hapwy s-swandew-] 
Whose whispew o'ew the wowwd's diametew, 
As w-wevew as the cannyon to h-his bwank, 
x3 Twanspowts his poisonyed shot- may miss :33 ouw nyame 
UwU And h-hit the w-woundwess aiw.- *pokes you* O, come away! 
M-My souw is fuww of *sighs* discowd and dismay. 
E-Exeunt. 




Scenye x3 II. 
Ewsinyowe. *looks away* A passage in the Castwe. 

Entew *shuffles closer* Hamwet. 

H-Ham. Safewy s-stow'd. 
*notices bulge* Gentwemen. (within) Hamwet! Wowd H-Hamwet! 
H-Ham. But soft! What nyoise? Who c-cawws on *cuddles you* Hamwet? O, hewe they come. 

Entew Wosencwantz and *cuddles you* Guiwdenstewn. 

Wos. What have *sighs* you donye, ^w^ my wowd, with the dead body? 
H-Ham. Compounded it with dust, wheweto 'tis kin. 
Wos. Teww us whewe 'tis, that w-we may take it thence 
And beaw it :33 to the ;;w;; chapew. 
Ham. Do nyot bewieve i-it. 
Wos. Bewieve what? 
Ham. *shuffles closer* That I c-can keep youw *blushes* counsew, and nyot minye own. Besides, t-to be 
*looks at you* demanded of a sponge, what wepwication shouwd be made by the son 
of a-a king? 
Wos. Take you me fow a sponge, my wowd? 
:3 Ham. Ay, siw; that s-soaks up t-the *sweats* King's countenyance, his wewawds, 
his authowities. But such officews d-do t-the King best sewvice i-in 
the end. He keeps them, *cries* wike an ape, in the cownyew of his jaw; 
fiwst *shuffles closer* mouth'd, to be wast Swawwowed. When he nyeeds what you have 
gwean'd, it is but s-squeezing you and, sponge, you shaww be dwy 
again. 
Wos. I undewstand >_> you nyot, m-my wowd. 
Ham. I-I am gwad of it. A-A k-knyavish speech *leans over* sweeps in a foowish *blushes* eaw. 
Wos. *cuddles you* My wowd, you ^.^ must teww us whewe t-the body is *teleports behind you* and go with us to 
*sweats* the King. 
H-Ham. The body is with t-the K-King, but *hugs tightly* the King is nyot with xDD the body. 
The King is a thing- 
Guiw. A t-thing, my w-wowd? 
*looks at you* Ham. O-Of nyothing. *shuffles closer* Bwing me to >_> him. :3 Hide fox, and aww aftew. 
Exeunt. 




Scenye III. 
Ewsinyowe. A woom in the *notices bulge* Castwe. 

Entew K-King. 

K-King. I have sent to s-seek him and to find the body. 
H-How dangewous *pokes you* is it that this man goes woose! 
Yet must nyot we put t-the stwong w-waw *screams* on him. 
^.^ He's wov'd of the distwacted muwtitude, 
Who wike nyot *giggles shyly* in theiw judgment, but t-theiw eyes; 
A-And whewe '-'tis so, th' offendew's scouwge is weigh'd, 
But nyevew the offence. To >w< beaw aww smooth and even, 
This sudden sending him *cuddles you* away must *cries* seem 
Dewibewate pause. Diseases despewate gwown 
B-By despewate ^.^ appwiance a-awe wewiev'd, 
Ow nyot at aww. 

Entew Wosencwantz. 

How nyow O What *sweats* hath b-befaww'n? 
Wos. Whewe the dead body is b-bestow'd, my wowd, 
We cannyot x3 get fwom him. 
King. *notices bulge* But *screams* whewe is he? 
Wos. Without, my wowd; guawded, to knyow *sweats* youw p-pweasuwe. 
King. Bwing him befowe us. 
Wos. Ho, Guiwdenstewn! Bwing in my w-wowd. 

Entew Hamwet and Guiwdenstewn [with Attendants]. 

King. >_< Nyow, H-Hamwet, whewe's Powonyius? 
Ham. At s-suppew. 
King. At suppew? W-Whewe? 
Ham. Nyot whewe he e-eats, but whewe he is eaten. A cewtain 
convocation >_< of powitic wowms awe e'en at him. Youw w-wowm is *cuddles you* youw 
onwy empewow fow diet. We fat aww c-cweatuwes ewse to fat us, a-and 
we fat o-ouwsewves f-fow maggots. Y-Youw fat king and y-youw wean beggaw 
is *blushes* but *giggles shyly* vawiabwe sewvice- two dishes, b-but t-to UwU onye tabwe. That's the 
e-end. 
King. Awas, :33 awas! 
Ham. A man may f-fish with the wowm >w< that *sighs* hath eat of a king, and eat 
of the x3 fish that h-hath *shuffles closer* fed of that wowm. 
King. What *looks away* dost *pokes you* thou mean b-by this? 
uWu Ham. N-Nyothing *blushes* but to *giggles shyly* show you how a-a *leans over* king may go a pwogwess OwO thwough 
the guts of a *looks at you* beggaw. 
King. Whewe i-is Powonyius? 
Ham. ^-^ In heaven. Send thithew to see. If youw *looks away* messengew find x3 him nyot 
thewe, seek him i' *looks away* th' othew *pokes you* pwace youwsewf. But indeed, if y-you 
find him nyot within this month, you *giggles shyly* shaww nyose him as you go up 
the staiw, into the wobby. 
King. G-Go seek *hugs tightly* him thewe. [To Attendants.] 
Ham. He wiww stay tiww you come. 
[Exeunt Attendants.] 
King. Hamwet, this *teleports behind you* deed, fow thinye especiaw safety,- 
Which ^.^ we do tendew as we d-deawwy ^w^ gwieve 
F-Fow t-that which thou *shuffles closer* hast donye,- must send thee hence 
With fiewy quicknyess. Thewefowe pwepawe thysewf. 
*twerks* The bawk is weady *blushes* and the w-wind at hewp, 
Th' associates t-tend, and evewything is *cuddles you* bent 
Fow ^-^ Engwand. 
Ham. Fow Engwand? 
K-King. Ay, uWu Hamwet. 
Ham. *blushes* Good. 
King. So is it, if thou knyew'st ouw puwposes. 
H-Ham. I see a ;;w;; chewub that *teleports behind you* sees them. But come, fow Engwand! 
F-Faweweww, deaw x3 mothew. 
King. >_< Thy w-woving fathew, Hamwet. 
Ham. My mothew! Fathew *looks away* and mothew is ;;w;; man and wife; man and wife is 
onye fwesh; and so, m-my mothew. Come, *sweats* fow E-Engwand! 
Exit. 
*pokes you* King. Fowwow him at foot; *shuffles closer* tempt h-him with speed aboawd. 
Deway i-it nyot; I'ww have him hence to-nyight. 
Away! fow evewything is seaw'd and donye 
That ewse weans on th' affaiw. Pway y-you xDD make h-haste. 
E-Exeunt Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn] 
And, Engwand, if my wove thou howd'st at aught,- 
As my gweat powew theweof may give thee sense, 
;;w;; Since UwU yet *notices bulge* thy cicatwice *looks away* wooks w-waw *moans* and wed 
Aftew *twerks* the Danyish *giggles shyly* swowd, and thy fwee awe 
*sighs* Pays >_> homage >w< to us,- thou mayst n-nyot *cries* cowdwy set 
Ouw soveweign pwocess, which impowts at fuww, 
By wettews congwuing to that effect, 
The pwesent death uWu of Hamwet. D-Do it, E-Engwand; 
Fow wike ^w^ the hectic *cuddles you* in my bwood he wages, 
And thou must cuwe me. *sweats* Tiww I *giggles shyly* knyow 'tis donye, 
Howe'ew ;;w;; my haps, my joys wewe nye'ew begun. Exit. 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE *sweats* WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1-1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED B-BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT O-OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
W-WITH P-PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE OwO WEADABWE C-COPIES MAY BE 
D-DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE F-FOW Y-YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW U-USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE *giggles shyly* NyOT DISTWIBUTED UwU OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED *pokes you* COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES B-BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW *looks away* DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



Scenye I-IV. 
Nyeaw Ewsinyowe. 

Entew F-Fowtinbwas w-with his Awmy ovew the s-stage. 

Fow. *sweats* Go, C-Captain, *moans* fwom me gweet *blushes* the Danyish king. 
Teww h-him that ^w^ by his wicense *cries* Fowtinbwas 
Cwaves the conveyance of a pwomis'd mawch 
Ovew his *hugs tightly* kingdom. You knyow the w-wendezvous. 
*blushes* if that his M-Majesty wouwd aught *notices bulge* with uWu us, 
W-We shaww *moans* expwess ouw duty in his eye; 
And wet him *teleports behind you* knyow so. 
Capt. I ;;w;; wiww *giggles shyly* do't, my wowd. 
Fow. Go softwy on. 
Exeunt [aww b-but the Captain]. 

Entew Hamwet, Wosencwantz, [Guiwdenstewn,] and o-othews. 

Ham. G-Good s-siw, whose powews awe these? 
Capt. They *screams* awe of Nyowway, siw. 
Ham. How puwpos'd, siw, I *pokes you* pway ^w^ you? 
Capt. Against some pawt of Powand. 
xDD Ham. Who commands them, siw? 
Capt. The nyephew to owd N-Nyowway, *screams* Fowtinbwas. 
Ham. Goes i-it against the main of Powand, siw, 
Ow fow some f-fwontiew? 
Capt. Twuwy to speak, and with nyo addition, 
We go t-to gain a wittwe patch of gwound 
That ^-^ hath i-in it nyo pwofit but the nyame. 
To pay five ducats, f-five, I wouwd n-nyot fawm it; 
Nyow *giggles shyly* wiww it yiewd to Nyowway ow the Powe 
A wankew wate, shouwd i-it be sowd in fee. 
Ham. W-Why, then the ^-^ Powack nyevew ^-^ wiww defend *hugs tightly* it. 
Capt. Yes, it UwU is awweady gawwison'd. 
Ham. Two thousand souws *leans over* and twenty thousand ducats 
Wiww nyot debate the question of t-this stwaw. 
This is th' imposthume of much weawth and peace, 
*leans over* That inwawd bweaks, a-and shows nyo cause without 
Why t-the man dies.- I h-humbwy thank you, >_> siw. 
Capt. God b' wi' *sweats* you, siw. [Exit.] 
*sweats* Wos. Wiww't *pokes you* pwease you go, my *shuffles closer* wowd? 
OwO Ham. I'ww *looks away* be with *notices bulge* you stwaight. Go a-a wittwe *leans over* befowe. 
[Exeunt aww but Hamwet.] 
How a-aww occasions do infowm against me 
A-And spuw my duww wevenge! What is a man, 
If h-his chief g-good xDD and m-mawket of his time 
*blushes* Be but t-to sweep and feed? A beast, nyo mowe. 
Suwe he that made us with *cuddles you* such wawge discouwse, 
Wooking befowe and aftew, gave us nyot 
*teleports behind you* That capabiwity and *cuddles you* godwike weason 
To fust i-in us unyus'd. N-Nyow, w-whethew it be 
Bestiaw obwivion, ow some *cries* cwaven scwupwe 
Of thinking too pwecisewy on t-th' event,- 
A t-thought which, quawtew'd, h-hath but onye p-pawt wisdom 
And evew thwee pawts c-cowawd,- I-I do nyot knyow 
Why y-yet *moans* I wive to s-say 'This thing's to do,' 
S-Sith I h-have cause, and wiww, and stwength, and *screams* means 
To do't. Exampwes gwoss as uWu eawth exhowt me. 
Witnyess this a-awmy of such mass a-and chawge, 
Wed by a dewicate and tendew pwince, 
Whose spiwit, with divinye ambition p-puff'd, 
Makes mouths at the x3 invisibwe event, 
xDD Exposing what is mowtaw and unsuwe 
To aww that *notices bulge* fowtunye, d-death, and dangew dawe, 
Even fow an e-eggsheww. Wightwy to *blushes* be gweat 
Is nyot to s-stiw w-without gweat awgument, 
But gweatwy to find quawwew in a-a stwaw 
When honyouw's at the stake. How stand I-I then, 
That have a fathew *looks at you* kwww'd, UwU a mothew stain'd, 
*pokes you* Excitements of my weason and my b-bwood, 
And wet aww sweep, *screams* whiwe to my shame I *shuffles closer* see 
The imminyent d-death of twenty thousand *shuffles closer* men 
That f-fow a *sighs* fantasy :33 and ^.^ twick of fame 
*pokes you* Go to theiw gwaves wike beds, f-fight fow a pwot 
Wheweon the nyumbews ^-^ cannyot *screams* twy the cause, 
Which i-is nyot tomb enyough and continyent 
T-To hide the swain? O, *cuddles you* fwom UwU this time fowth, 
My t-thoughts be bwoody, ow be nyothing wowth! Exit. 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE C-COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF *looks at you* IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
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Scenye *giggles shyly* V. 
Ewsinyowe. A *pokes you* woom in the Castwe. 

Entew Howatio, Q-Queen, and a Gentweman. 

xDD Queen. I-I wiww nyot s-speak w-with hew. 
Gent. She OwO is impowtunyate, indeed distwact. 
Hew *shuffles closer* mood wiww nyeeds >_< be pitied. 
Queen. What :33 wouwd she have? 
G-Gent. *sighs* She s-speaks much of hew fathew; >_> says she heaws 
Thewe's twicks i' t-th' wowwd, and hems, and *pokes you* beats h-hew heawt; 
Spuwns enviouswy at stwaws; speaks t-things in doubt, 
That cawwy but hawf sense. Hew speech is nyothing, 
Y-Yet the unshaped use of it doth move 
OwO The heawews t-to cowwection; they aim at it, 
And botch the wowds u-up fit to theiw own thoughts; 
Which, *blushes* as hew winks and nyods and gestuwes yiewd them, 
Indeed wouwd make onye think thewe might be thought, 
UwU Though nyothing suwe, *cuddles you* yet much unhappiwy. 
How. 'Twewe good she wewe spoken with; f-fow she *giggles shyly* may stwew 
Dangewous conjectuwes in i-iww-bweeding minds. 
Queen. Wet h-hew come in. 
[Exit Gentweman.] 
[Aside] T-To my sick souw *screams* (as sin's twue nyatuwe is) 
Each t-toy seems Pwowogue *hugs tightly* to some gweat amiss. 
So fuww *moans* of awtwess *notices bulge* jeawousy is guiwt 
It s-spiwws itsewf ^.^ in feawing to be spiwt. 

Entew Ophewia distwacted. 

Oph. Whewe *cries* is the beauteous Majesty *twerks* of Denmawk? 
Queen. How n-nyow, Ophewia? 
Oph. (sings) 
How :33 shouwd I youw *teleports behind you* twue-wove knyow 
Fwom anyothew o-onye? 
B-By *looks away* his cockwe bat and' staff 
And his sandaw shoon. 

Queen. Awas, sweet wady, what impowts this song? 
Oph. Say xDD you? Nyay, *hugs tightly* pway You mawk. 

:3 (Sings) H-He is dead and gonye, wady, 
:3 He is dead a-and gonye; 
^w^ At his head a :3 gwass-gween tuwf, 
A-At h-his ;;w;; heews a stonye. 

O, ho! 
Queen. Nyay, *sweats* but O-Ophewia- 
Oph. Pway y-you m-mawk. 

(Sings) White his shwoud as the mountain snyow- 

E-Entew King. 

Queen. Awas, wook hewe, *leans over* my *twerks* wowd! 
O-Oph. (Sings) 
Wawded aww ^.^ with s-sweet fwowews; 
Which bewept to the gwave ;;w;; did nyot go 
*looks away* With t-twue-wove showews. 

*leans over* King. UwU How do you, p-pwetty wady? 
O-Oph. Weww, *leans over* God diwd you! They say *screams* the oww was a bakew's daughtew. 
Wowd, we knyow ;;w;; what we awe, but knyow nyot what we may be. God be at 
youw tabwe! 
King. Conceit upon h-hew fathew. 
O-Oph. Pway wet's ^.^ have nyo wowds of this; but when they ask, ^-^ you what 
it means, *cuddles you* say >_< you ^.^ this: 

(Sings) To-mowwow is Saint Vawentinye's day, 
Aww in the OwO mownying b-bedtime, 
A-And I a :3 maid at youw *sighs* window, 
To x3 be UwU youw Vawentinye. 

Then up he wose *shuffles closer* and donn'd his *leans over* cwo'es 
And dupp'd the chambew doow, 
xDD Wet i-in the *hugs tightly* maid, that out a maid 
Nyevew *twerks* depawted mowe. 

King. Pwetty Ophewia! 
Oph. Indeed, wa, without a-an *sweats* oath, I'ww make a-an end o-on't! 

[Sings] By Gis and by Saint *leans over* Chawity, 
Awack, and fie fow *screams* shame! 
Young men wiww do't if t-they come to't 
By C-Cock, they awe to bwame. 

Quoth she, >_< 'Befowe you tumbwed me, 
You :33 pwomis'd me to wed.' 

^.^ He answews: 

'So wouwd I 'a' donye, by y-yondew sun, 
An thou hadst nyot come to my bed.' 

King. How *sweats* wong h-hath she been thus? 
Oph. I hope aww wiww be weww. We must b-be patient; but I cannyot 
choose but w-weep to think they wouwd way him i' *blushes* th' cowd gwound. 
M-My bwothew shaww knyow of it; *leans over* and so I thank you f-fow y-youw good 
counsew. Come, my coach! Good nyight, wadies. Good nyight, sweet 
wadies. Good nyight, good nyight. :3 Exit 
K-King. >w< Fowwow hew cwose; give h-hew good watch, I pway you. 
[Exit Howatio.] 
O, this is *hugs tightly* the p-poison of deep gwief; it spwings 
*cries* Aww fwom hew fathew's d-death. >w< O Gewtwude, Gewtwude, 
When sowwows come, they come nyot s-singwe spies. 
But i-in battawions! Fiwst, hew fathew :33 swain; 
Nyext, Youw son *cries* gonye, and he most *looks at you* viowent authow 
Of his own j-just *cuddles you* wemove; t-the peopwe muddied, 
Thick and and unwhowesome in theiw thoughts >_> and whispews 
Fow good Powonyius' death, a-and we have donye but gweenwy 
I-In huggew-muggew *sweats* to intew him; Poow Ophewia 
Divided f-fwom *screams* hewsewf and hew faiw-judgment, 
Without the which w-we awe Pictuwes ow *giggles shyly* mewe beasts; 
*leans over* Wast, and as such containying a-as aww *twerks* these, 
Hew b-bwothew is i-in s-secwet come f-fwom Fwance; 
And wants nyot buzzews to infect his eaw 
Feeds on his wondew, *cries* keep, himsewf in OwO cwouds, 
With pestiwent speeches of *blushes* his f-fathew's OwO death, 
Whewein nyecessity, of mattew ^-^ beggaw'd, 
Wiww nyothing s-stick Ouw p-pewson *teleports behind you* to *leans over* awwaign 
I-In eaw and *leans over* eaw. O my deaw Gewtwude, this, 
>w< Wike to a m-muwd'wing p-piece, in many p-pwaces 
Give, me supewfwuous death. A nyoise within. 
Queen. Awack, what nyoise *cuddles you* is t-this? 
King. Whewe *pokes you* awe my Switzews? Wet them g-guawd the doow. 

Entew a *blushes* Messengew. 

What *pokes you* is ^-^ the mattew? 
Mess. Save Youwsewf, my wowd: 
The ocean, ovewpeewing of his wist, 
Eats nyot the fwats with mowe i-impetuous haste 
Than Young Waewtes, *teleports behind you* in a-a wiotous head, 
O'ewbeaws Youw offices. The wabbwe caww him wowd; 
And, as xDD the wowwd wewe nyow but to begin, 
*shuffles closer* Antiquity fowgot, c-custom *teleports behind you* nyot knyown, 
The watifiews and pwops o-of evewy wowd, 
*looks away* They cwy 'Choose we! Waewtes shaww be king!' 
Caps, >w< hands, and tongues *moans* appwaud it t-to the c-cwouds, 
'Waewtes s-shaww be king! Waewtes k-king!' 
*teleports behind you* A nyoise within. 
Queen. H-How cheewfuwwy on the fawse twaiw *giggles shyly* they *looks at you* cwy! 
^-^ O, this is countew, you fawse D-Danyish dogs! 
King. The d-doows awe bwoke. 

E-Entew Waewtes with *notices bulge* othews. 

Waew. W-Whewe is this king?- Siws, *moans* staid you aww without. 
:33 Aww. Nyo, wet's come in! 
Waew. I p-pway *screams* you give me weave. 
Aww. We wiww, we wiww! 
Waew. I thank you. *looks at you* Keep *blushes* the doow. [Exeunt his >w< Fowwowews.] 
O-O t-thou v-viwe king, 
Give *leans over* me my fathew! 
*sweats* Queen. Cawmwy, good Waewtes. 
*shuffles closer* Waew. That dwop of bwood that's c-cawm pwocwaims me b-bastawd; 
Cwies cuckowd to my *looks at you* fathew; bwands the hawwot 
Even hewe between the chaste unsmiwched bwows 
Of my twue mothew. 
King. What :33 is the OwO cause, *looks at you* Waewtes, 
T-That >_< thy webewwion wooks so giantwike? 
*pokes you* Wet him go, Gewtwude. D-Do nyot feaw o-ouw pewson. 
Thewe's such x3 divinyity doth hedge a-a *looks away* king 
That tweason can but peep to what it wouwd, 
*looks at you* Acts wittwe of his ^-^ wiww. Teww me, Waewtes, 
Why thou awt thus incens'd. Wet him :33 go, Gewtwude. 
*leans over* Speak, man. 
Waew. Whewe is ^w^ my f-fathew? 
King. Dead. 
Queen. But nyot by him! 
*leans over* King. Wet him *looks away* demand h-his fiww. 
Waew. H-How *looks at you* came h-he *pokes you* dead? I'ww nyot be *pokes you* juggwed with: 
*screams* To heww, awwegiance! vows, to the *screams* bwackest *blushes* deviw 
C-Conscience and g-gwace, to the *blushes* pwofoundest p-pit! 
*cuddles you* I dawe damnyation. *sighs* To this point I stand, 
That both the wowwd, I give ^w^ to nyegwigence, 
W-Wet come what comes; onwy I'ww be weveng'd 
M-Most thwoughwy fow my fathew. 
K-King. Who shaww stay you? 
Waew. My wiww, nyot aww the wowwd! 
*sweats* And fow my means, I-I'ww husband them >w< so weww 
They >_< shaww go *cuddles you* faw w-with wittwe. 
*cuddles you* King. Good Waewtes, 
If you desiwe to *looks away* knyow the cewtainty 
Of y-youw deaw fathew's death, is't wwit in Youw *screams* wevenge 
That swoopstake you wiww dwaw both fwiend *screams* and foe, 
Winnyew and wosew? 
Waew. Nyonye b-but his enyemies. 
King. Wiww you knyow t-them then? 
Waew. To his good fwiends thus UwU wide I'ww ope my a-awms 
*looks at you* And, wike the kind wife-wend'wing pewican, 
Wepast them with my b-bwood. 
King. Why, nyow You s-speak 
Wike a good chiwd and xDD a twue g-gentweman. 
That I am guiwtwess of youw fathew's *screams* death, 
And am most :33 sensibwy *looks away* in *cries* gwief fow it, 
It shaww as wevew to youw judgment piewce 
As day does to y-youw eye. 
x3 A n-nyoise within: 'Wet hew come *looks at you* in.' 
Waew. How nyow? *notices bulge* What nyoise is that? 

Entew Ophewia. 

O heat, dwy up my bwains! Teaws seven times sawt 
Buwn >_< out the *twerks* sense *looks at you* and viwtue of minye eye! 
By h-heaven, thy madnyess shaww be paid by weight 
Tiww ouw scawe :3 tuwn t-the beam. O wose of *blushes* May! 
Deaw maid, kind sistew, sweet Ophewia! 
O heavens! *looks at you* is't possibwe a young OwO maid's w-wits 
Shouwd be x3 as mowtaw UwU as an owd man's w-wife? 
Nyatuwe is f-finye i-in wove, a-and whewe 'tis finye, 
It sends some ;;w;; pwecious instance xDD of itsewf 
Aftew t-the thing it woves. 

Oph. (sings) 
They *teleports behind you* bowe him b-bawefac'd on t-the *giggles shyly* biew 
(Hey nyon nyony, UwU nyony, hey nyony) 
And in his gwave wain'd many a teaw. 

Fawe you *cries* weww, *screams* my dove! 
W-Waew. *blushes* Hadst thou thy wits, and didst pewsuade wevenge, 
It couwd nyot move thus. 
Oph. You must sing '-'A-down a-down, *giggles shyly* and you :33 caww him a-down-a.' O, 
how the wheew becomes it! It is *moans* the *pokes you* fawse stewawd, *moans* that s-stowe his 
mastew's daughtew. 
Waew. This *blushes* nyothing's mowe than mattew. 
Oph. Thewe's wosemawy, t-that's *giggles shyly* fow wemembwance. Pway you, wove, 
wemembew. A-And thewe i-is :3 pansies, t-that's fow thoughts. 
Waew. A d-document in madnyess! Thoughts and wemembwance f-fitted. 
Oph. Thewe's f-fennyew fow you, and cowumbinyes. Thewe's wue fow you, 
and hewe's some fow me. W-We may c-caww it hewb of gwace o' Sundays. 
O, you must weaw youw wue with *cuddles you* a *blushes* diffewence! Thewe's a d-daisy. I 
wouwd give you some viowets, x3 but they withew'd aww when my fathew 
*teleports behind you* died. They say he m-made a good e-end. 

[Sings] Fow bonny sweet W-Wobin is aww my joy. 

Waew. Thought *screams* and affwiction, passion, h-heww uWu itsewf, 
*moans* She tuwns to favouw and ^-^ to *cries* pwettinyess. 
Oph. (-(sings) 
And wiww he *giggles shyly* nyot come again? 
And wiww he nyot come a-again? 
Nyo, nyo, he is dead; 
Go t-to thy deathbed; 
He nyevew wiww c-come again. 

His beawd was xDD as white as snyow, 
Aww fwaxen was h-his p-poww. 
x3 He is gonye, he is gonye, 
And we cast *looks at you* away moan. 
God 'a'mewcy on h-his souw! 

*cuddles you* And xDD of *teleports behind you* aww Chwistian souws, I pway God. God b' *looks away* wi', you. 
Exit. 
Waew. Do y-you see this, O God? 
*teleports behind you* King. Waewtes, I-I must c-communye with >_< youw *giggles shyly* gwief, 
Ow you deny me wight. :3 Go *screams* but apawt, 
Make choice of whom youw wisest fwiends you wiww, 
And they shaww heaw and judge *sweats* 'twixt you and m-me. 
If by diwect ow by cowwatewaw hand 
They find u-us UwU touch'd, we wiww ouw kingdom give, 
Ouw cwown, >_> ouw wife, a-and a-aww that we *cries* caww ouws, 
To you *looks away* in satisfaction; but if nyot, 
Be you content to wend youw patience to us, 
And *teleports behind you* we shaww j-jointwy *sweats* wabouw with youw s-souw 
To give >_> it d-due c-content. 
Waew. W-Wet this be s-so. 
His means o-of death, his obscuwe funyewaw- 
Nyo twophy, *twerks* swowd, nyow *looks at you* hatchment o'ew his b-bonyes, 
N-Nyo nyobwe wite nyow fowmaw ostentation,- 
C-Cwy to be heawd, as 'twewe fwom heaven to eawth, 
That I ^w^ must caww't in question. 
King. So you shaww; 
UwU And whewe th' offence i-is wet the gweat axe faww. 
I pway you :3 go with me. 
E-Exeunt 




<<THIS E-EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE W-WOWKS ^-^ OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD W-WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT *looks at you* OF I-IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. E-EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY B-BE 
xDD DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH C-COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE *twerks* NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
C-COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW *teleports behind you* DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES :33 BY A-ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



S-Scenye VI. 
Ewsinyowe. Anyothew woom i-in the Castwe. 

Entew Howatio with an Attendant. 

How. W-What a-awe they t-that wouwd speak with me? 
S-Sewvant. Seafawing men, siw. They s-say they have wettews fow you. 
How. Wet them >w< come in. 
[-[Exit A-Attendant.] 
*cries* I do nyot knyow *teleports behind you* fwom what pawt of >_< the wowwd 
I shouwd be gweeted, if nyot fwom Wowd Hamwet. 

Entew *leans over* Saiwows. 

Saiwow. God bwess you, siw. 
*cuddles you* How. Wet *moans* him bwess thee too. 
Saiwow. OwO 'A shaww, siw, an't pwease him. Thewe's a w-wettew f-fow you, 
;;w;; siw,- it comes fwom th' ambassadow that *giggles shyly* was bound fow *giggles shyly* Engwand- if 
youw nyame be H-Howatio, a-as I am wet to knyow it is. 
How. OwO (weads the *blushes* wettew) 'Howatio, *teleports behind you* when thou shawt have ovewwook'd 
t-this, give *teleports behind you* these fewwows some means to the King. They have 
wettews fow him. Ewe we wewe t-two days owd at *shuffles closer* sea, a piwate *sighs* of 
vewy ^-^ wawwike :3 appointment gave *giggles shyly* us chase. Finding ouwsewves too 
s-swow of >_< saiw, *moans* we put on *cries* a *notices bulge* compewwed vawouw, >_> and in the gwappwe I-I 
boawded them. On the instant they >_> got x3 cweaw of ouw ship; so I-I 
awonye became theiw pwisonyew. They h-have deawt with me wike t-thieves 
of OwO mewcy; b-but they knyew w-what they did: I *leans over* am t-to do a-a good tuwn fow 
them. Wet the King have the wettews I-I have sent, a-and w-wepaiw thou 
to me with as much speed ^w^ as thou wouwdst fwy death. >_> I have wowds 
to speak *moans* in thinye eaw wiww make thee *notices bulge* dumb; y-yet awe they much too 
wight fow ^-^ the bowe of *shuffles closer* the mattew. These good fewwows wiww bwing 
thee w-whewe I am. Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn howd theiw couwse 
fow Engwand. Of ^.^ them I have much to teww thee. Faweweww. 
x3 'He t-that thou knyowest t-thinye, HAMWET.' 

Come, I wiww give :3 you way fow these youw wettews, 
And do't the *leans over* speediew :33 that you may diwect *sighs* me 
T-To him *teleports behind you* fwom whom you bwought them. Exeunt. 




<-<<THIS EWECTWONyIC *shuffles closer* VEWSION O-OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND *shuffles closer* IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC A-AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
D-DISTWIBUTED S-SO W-WONG AS *pokes you* SUCH COPIES (1) AWE OwO FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
^.^ PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND :33 (2) AWE N-NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
x3 COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW *looks away* FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



Scenye VII. 
Ewsinyowe. Anyothew woom in the Castwe. 

*teleports behind you* Entew King and Waewtes. 

King. Nyow must youw conscience my acquittance seaw, 
*hugs tightly* And You must put me in youw heawt f-fow *hugs tightly* fwiend, 
Sith you have heawd, and w-with a >_< knyowing ^w^ eaw, 
That he which hath youw nyobwe fathew swain 
Puwsued *sweats* my wife. 
Waew. I-It weww appeaws. But *pokes you* teww me 
Why you pwoceeded nyot against these feats 
So cwimefuw and *looks at you* so capitaw in UwU nyatuwe, 
As by youw safety, wisdom, aww things ewse, 
You mainwy wewe stiww'd up. 
King. O, fow two speciaw weasons, 
Which *leans over* may to >w< you, *teleports behind you* pewhaps, seein much unsinyew'd, 
But yet to me they awe stwong. The Q-Queen his mothew 
W-Wives awmost :33 by his wooks; and fow mysewf,- 
;;w;; My >_< viwtue ow my >w< pwague, be *pokes you* it eithew w-which,- 
She's s-so conjunctive to my wife and souw 
T-That, *giggles shyly* as the staw moves nyot *teleports behind you* but in *sweats* his sphewe, 
I couwd nyot but b-by h-hew. *sighs* The othew motive 
*looks at you* Why to a pubwic count I might nyot go 
Is the gweat w-wove the genyewaw g-gendew beaw him, 
Who, d-dipping aww his fauwts in theiw affection, 
Wouwd, wike xDD the spwing that tuwnyeth wood to stonye, 
Convewt his :33 gives to g-gwaces; so that m-my awwows, 
Too swightwy timbew'd fow *sweats* so woud *giggles shyly* a wind, 
Wouwd have wevewted >w< to my bow again, 
And nyot whewe I h-had aim'd them. 
Waew. And so have I a-a nyobwe fathew w-wost; 
A sistew dwiven into desp'wate tewms, 
Whose wowth, if :3 pwaises may go back again, 
S-Stood chawwengew o-on mount of aww t-the >_> age 
Fow hew pewfections. But >_< my wevenge wiww *looks away* come. 
King. >w< Bweak nyot youw sweeps fow that. You must nyot t-think 
That we >_> awe made of stuff so fwat and duww 
That we can wet ouw beawd be s-shook with dangew, 
And think it pastime. You ;;w;; showtwy shaww heaw m-mowe. 
I-I wov'd youw fathew, and we wove ouwsewf, 
And t-that, I h-hope, wiww teach you *twerks* to imaginye- 

Entew a Messengew with wettews. 

How nyow? W-What nyews? 
Mess. Wettews, my wowd, fwom Hamwet: 
*teleports behind you* This to youw *screams* Majesty; this to the Queen. 
King. F-Fwom Hamwet? Who b-bwought them? 
Mess. Saiwows, ^w^ my wowd, they say; I saw them nyot. 
They wewe g-given me :3 by Cwaudio; h-he w-weceiv'd t-them 
Of *pokes you* him t-that bwought them. 
King. W-Waewtes, you shaww heaw them. 
Weave us. 
Exit Messengew. 
[Weads]'High a-and Mighty,-You shaww knyow xDD I am set nyaked on youw 
kingdom. To-mowwow ^w^ shaww I beg weave *giggles shyly* to s-see youw >w< kingwy >_> eyes; 
w-when I shaww (fiwst a-asking youw pawdon theweunto) wecount the 
occasion *pokes you* of my sudden and mowe stwange *teleports behind you* wetuwn. 
'HAMWET.' 
What shouwd this m-mean? Awe aww the ^-^ west come back? 
Ow is it some abuse, and n-nyo s-such thing? 
Waew. Knyow you the ^-^ hand? 
^-^ King. '-'Tis >w< Hamwet's chawactew. 'Nyaked!' 
And in a-a postscwipt hewe, uWu he s-says 'awonye.' 
Can you advise me? 
W-Waew. I a-am wost in it, my wowd. But wet him come! 
It wawms the vewy sicknyess in my h-heawt 
That I shaww x3 wive and teww him t-to his teeth, 
'Thus *teleports behind you* didest thou.' 
King. If it be so, W-Waewtes 
(As how shouwd it UwU be uWu so? how othewwise?), 
Wiww you be wuw'd by me? 
Waew. Ay m-my *giggles shyly* wowd, 
So you wiww nyot o'ewwuwe me *pokes you* to uWu a peace. 
King. T-To thinye own peace. If he be nyow wetuwn'd 
As checking at his voyage, and *notices bulge* that he means 
*leans over* Nyo *hugs tightly* mowe :33 to undewtake it, I wiww wowk him 
To expwoit nyow wipe in my device, 
OwO Undew the which he shaww nyot choose x3 but faww; 
And fow his death >_< nyo wind 
But even his m-mothew ^.^ shaww unchawge the pwactice 
And c-caww it accident. 
Waew. My wowd, I-I *hugs tightly* wiww be wuw'd; 
*looks at you* The *blushes* wathew, if you couwd devise it so 
T-That I might b-be the o-owgan. 
King. I-It >_> fawws wight. 
You have been tawk'd of since y-youw twavew much, 
And uWu that in Hamwet's heawing, fow a quawity 
Whewein they say you shinye, Youw s-sun o-of pawts 
D-Did nyot *twerks* togethew p-pwuck such envy fwom him 
*shuffles closer* As did that onye; >_> and that, in my wegawd, 
Of *notices bulge* the u-unwowthiest siege. 
W-Waew. ^.^ What pawt ^w^ is that, my wowd? 
King. A vewy wiband in the cap *notices bulge* of youth- 
Yet *cries* nyeedfuww too; fow youth *pokes you* nyo *screams* wess *cuddles you* becomes 
The w-wight and cawewess wivewy that it weaws 
*cuddles you* Thin settwed *notices bulge* age *looks at you* his sabwes :3 and h-his weeds, 
Impowting heawth and gwavenyess. Two months since 
*hugs tightly* Hewe w-was a gentweman of Nyowmandy. 
I have seen mysewf, and sewv'd against, the Fwench, 
And they can x3 weww *sighs* on howseback; but this gawwant 
Had witchcwaft in't. He *shuffles closer* gwew unto his seat, 
*notices bulge* And t-to such wondwous doing bwought *moans* his UwU howse 
As had he been incowps'd *leans over* and demi-nyatuw'd 
*sweats* With the bwave b-beast. So faw *looks at you* he uWu topp'd my thought 
That I, in fowgewy of s-shapes and twicks, 
Come s-showt of what >_> he d-did. 
Waew. A Nyowman w-was't? 
K-King. A *looks at you* Nyowman. 
Waew. Upon my wife, Wamound. 
K-King. T-The >_> vewy same. 
xDD Waew. *cries* I knyow him weww. He is the bwoach indeed 
And gem of aww the *teleports behind you* nyation. 
King. He made confession of you; 
And gave you such a m-mastewwy wepowt 
Fow a-awt and exewcise UwU in y-youw defence, 
And fow youw wapiew most especiawwy, 
That he cwied o-out *looks away* 'twouwd be a sight indeed 
If onye couwd match you. *leans over* The scwimews of xDD theiw :33 nyation 
He swowe had nyeithew motion, guawd, nyow eye, 
If you oppos'd *giggles shyly* them. Siw, this wepowt o-of *cries* his 
*moans* Did Hamwet so envenyom w-with his envy 
That he couwd nyothing do but w-wish UwU and beg 
Youw s-sudden coming o-o'ew to pway with you. 
Nyow, out *giggles shyly* of >_< this- 
*sweats* Waew. What out of *looks at you* this, my xDD wowd? 
:33 King. Waewtes, OwO was ^-^ youw fathew deaw to you? 
Ow awe you w-wike the painting of a sowwow, 
A face without a heawt,' 
;;w;; Waew. Why ask you this? 
*pokes you* King. N-Nyot *shuffles closer* that I *sweats* think you did nyot wove *teleports behind you* youw fathew; 
But that I ^w^ knyow wove is begun by time, 
And that I see, in passages :33 of pwoof, 
T-Time quawifies t-the spawk *sweats* and f-fiwe of it. 
Thewe wives within the vewy fwame of wove 
A kind of *cuddles you* wick o-ow *looks at you* snyuff that wiww abate *looks at you* it; 
uWu And nyothing *leans over* is >_> at a-a wike g-goodnyess stiww; 
Fow g-goodnyess, gwowing to a pwuwisy, 
*looks at you* Dies in his *leans over* own too-much. That we *cries* wouwd *cuddles you* do, 
W-We shouwd do *blushes* when we *shuffles closer* wouwd; fow this 'wouwd' changes, 
And hath abatements and deways as many 
As thewe awe tongues, awe hands, awe accidents; 
And then this 'shouwd' is wike a *teleports behind you* spendthwift sigh, 
That huwts by easing. But *shuffles closer* to *leans over* the quick o' th' uwcew! 
Hamwet comes b-back. What wouwd y-you undewtake 
To show y-youwsewf youw fathew's son in deed 
Mowe t-than in wowds? 
;;w;; Waew. T-To cut his t-thwoat i-i' th' chuwch! 
OwO King. *sighs* Nyo p-pwace indeed shouwd *sweats* muwthew sanctuawize; 
Wevenge shouwd have nyo bounds. But, x3 good Waewtes, 
Wiww you *moans* do this? K-Keep cwose within youw c-chambew. 
Wiww wetuwn'd shaww *leans over* knyow you awe come home. 
W-We'ww p-put o-on those x3 shaww *sweats* pwaise y-youw excewwence 
A-And set a doubwe vawnyish *looks at you* on t-the f-fame 
T-The Fwenchman gave you; bwing you in *twerks* finye togethew 
And wagew o-on youw h-heads. He, being wemiss, 
M-Most genyewous, and fwee *blushes* fwom aww contwiving, 
Wiww nyot p-pewuse *leans over* the foiws; so that with *looks away* ease, 
;;w;; Ow w-with a wittwe shuffwing, you may c-choose 
A swowd u-unbated, and, *cuddles you* in a pass o-of pwactice, 
Wequite him fow youw fathew. 
Waew. I *cries* wiww do't! 
And fow that puwpose I'ww anyoint my swowd. 
I bought an unction of a mountebank, 
So mowtaw that, but dip a knyife i-in it, 
Whewe it dwaws bwood *moans* nyo c-catapwasm *blushes* so wawe, 
C-Cowwected fwom aww ^-^ simpwes that have viwtue 
Undew the moon, can save *leans over* the thing fwom death 
This is b-but scwatch'd withaw. I'ww touch my point 
With this contagion, that, i-if I gaww him swightwy, 
It *cries* may be death. 
King. Wet's *shuffles closer* fuwthew t-think of this, 
W-Weigh what convenyience *moans* both of time and means 
May fit us t-to >_< ouw shape. *blushes* If *giggles shyly* this shouwd faww, 
And that ouw dwift wook thwough ouw bad pewfowmance. 
'-'Twewe bettew nyot assay'd. Thewefowe this pwoject 
*sighs* Shouwd have a back *shuffles closer* ow second, that might howd 
If this did bwast in pwoof. Soft! wet me see. 
We'ww make a sowemn wagew on youw cunnyings- 
I ha't! 
When in youw motion you awe hot and dwy- 
As make youw bouts *sighs* mowe viowent to ^-^ that end- 
And t-that he cawws fow d-dwink, I'ww *looks away* have pwepaw'd him 
A chawice fow the nyonce; wheweon but sipping, 
If *looks at you* he by chance escape youw venyom'd stuck, 
Ouw *blushes* puwpose may howd thewe.- But stay, what nyoise, 

Entew Q-Queen. 

How nyow, sweet queen? 
Queen. Onye woe doth twead upon a-anyothew's heew, 
So fast they fowwow. Y-Youw sistew's dwown'd, Waewtes. 
Waew. Dwown'd! O, whewe? 
Queen. Thewe is a wiwwow g-gwows aswant a b-bwook, 
That shows his hoaw weaves in the gwassy stweam. 
Thewe with fantastic g-gawwands did she come 
Of cwowfwowews, ;;w;; nyettwes, >w< daisies, and wong p-puwpwes, 
*shuffles closer* That wibewaw s-shephewds g-give a gwossew n-nyame, 
:33 But ouw cowd maids do dead men's fingews caww them. 
T-Thewe on the p-pendant boughs h-hew *shuffles closer* cowonyet weeds 
Cwamb'wing *notices bulge* to hang, an envious swivew bwoke, 
When down hew weedy twophies >w< and hewsewf 
Feww in *hugs tightly* the >w< weeping bwook. Hew cwothes spwead wide 
And, mewmaid-wike, awhiwe they *screams* bowe hew up; 
Which time she c-chaunted snyatches ;;w;; of owd tunyes, 
As *looks at you* onye incapabwe of hew o-own distwess, 
Ow wike a cweatuwe nyative and indued 
Unto that ewement; but wong *looks at you* it couwd ^.^ nyot be 
Tiww that ^w^ hew ^-^ gawments, heavy with theiw dwink, 
Puww'd t-the poow wwetch fwom hew mewodious way 
To muddy death. 
Waew. Awas, then *pokes you* she is d-dwown'd? 
Queen. Dwown'd, d-dwown'd. 
Waew. Too much of watew hast thou, poow Ophewia, 
And thewefowe I f-fowbid my teaws; but yet 
It is ouw twick; nyatuwe hew custom h-howds, 
Wet shame say what *moans* it wiww. When >_< these awe UwU gonye, 
*looks away* The woman wiww be out. A-Adieu, *cries* my wowd. 
I have a-a speech o-of f-fiwe, that f-fain wouwd bwaze 
But *giggles shyly* that this fowwy douts it. Exit. 
King. Wet's fowwow, >_> Gewtwude. 
How much I had to do to c-cawm his wage I 
Nyow *giggles shyly* feaw I this wiww give i-it stawt again; 
T-Thewefowe w-wet's fowwow. 
E-Exeunt. 




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A-ACT V. Scenye I. 
Ewsinyowe. A chuwchyawd. 

E-Entew t-two Cwowns, [with spades and pickaxes]. 

C-Cwown. Is she to be buwied in C-Chwistian buwiaw when she wiwfuwwy 
seeks hew ;;w;; own sawvation? 
Othew. I teww thee she *cuddles you* is; thewefowe make hew >w< gwave ;;w;; stwaight. 
The c-cwownyew hath s-sate on hew, and finds it C-Chwistian buwiaw. 
Cwown. How can that be, unwess she dwown'd :33 hewsewf in hew xDD own 
d-defence? 
Othew. Why, 'tis *looks at you* found *shuffles closer* so. 
Cwown. It must be se offendendo; it >_< cannyot be ewse. Fow hewe wies 
the point: if :33 I dwown ^-^ mysewf wittingwy, it ^.^ awgues ;;w;; an act; and an 
act hath thwee bwanches-it is to act, to do, and to pewfowm; 
awgaw, s-she dwown'd *teleports behind you* hewsewf wittingwy. 
Othew. Nyay, *screams* but heaw y-you, Goodman Dewvew! 
Cwown. Give me weave. Hewe w-wies the watew; good. Hewe stands t-the 
m-man; good. If the man *screams* go to this watew and dwown himsewf, it OwO is, 
wiww h-he nyiww he, he goes- mawk you that. B-But if the watew come to 
him and dwown :33 him, *notices bulge* he dwowns *sweats* nyot himsewf. Awgaw, he that is nyot 
guiwty of his own death showtens nyot his own wife. 
Othew. But is this w-waw? 
Cwown. Ay, ^-^ mawwy, is't- cwownyew's quest waw. 
Othew. uWu Wiww you h-ha' the twuth an't? *giggles shyly* If *shuffles closer* this had nyot been a 
gentwewoman, she shouwd *sweats* have been buwied out o' C-Chwistian buwiaw. 
Cwown. Why, OwO thewe thou say'st! And the mowe *twerks* pity that gweat >_< fowk 
shouwd have c-count'nyance in t-this wowwd to dwown ow hang themsewves 
*looks at you* mowe than theiw even-Chwisten. Come, my UwU spade! Thewe is nyo 
ancient gentwemen UwU but gawd'nyews, ditchews, and g-gwave-makews. They 
xDD howd up Adam's p-pwofession. 
Othew. Was *screams* he a gentweman? 
Cwown. 'A was the fiwst ^-^ that e-evew bowe awms. 
Othew. *looks away* Why, he had ^w^ nyonye. 
Cwown. What, awt a heathen? How d-dost thou undewstand the ^.^ Scwiptuwe? 
*twerks* The Scwiptuwe says Adam digg'd. Couwd he dig without *notices bulge* awms? *hugs tightly* I'ww 
put anyothew >_< question to thee. If thou answewest me nyot to the 
*shuffles closer* puwpose, confess thysewf- 
Othew. Go *looks at you* to! 
*shuffles closer* Cwown. What i-is he that buiwds stwongew than eithew the mason, the 
shipwwight, ow *notices bulge* the cawpentew? 
O-Othew. The gawwows-makew; fow that fwame ;;w;; outwives a thousand 
t-tenyants. 
Cwown. I wike thy wit weww, in good faith. The gawwows does weww. 
But how does it weww? It does weww to those t-that do iww. Nyow, 
t-thou dost iww to say the gawwows *leans over* is buiwt stwongew than t-the 
chuwch. Awgaw, t-the g-gawwows may d-do weww to thee. T-To't again, come! 
*sweats* Othew. Who buiwds *teleports behind you* stwongew than a-a mason, a shipwwight, ow a 
cawpentew? 
Cwown. Ay, teww me that, and unyoke. 
xDD Othew. M-Mawwy, nyow I can teww! 
Cwown. To't. 
Othew. Mass, I cannyot teww. 

E-Entew Hamwet ^w^ and Howatio afaw *moans* off. 

Cwown. Cudgew thy *cries* bwains nyo m-mowe about it, fow youw d-duww ass wiww 
nyot m-mend his pace with beating; a-and when you awe ask'd *screams* this 
>_< question nyext, say 'a gwave-makew.' ^.^ The houses he makes *twerks* wasts 
tiww doomsday. Go, get thee to Yaughan; fetch me a stoup of 
*notices bulge* wiquow. 
[Exit Second Cwown.] 

[Cwown digs and] sings. 

In youth when :33 I did w-wove, did wove, 
M-Methought it >_> was *twerks* vewy sweet; 
To contwact- *shuffles closer* O- the time f-fow- a- my behove, 
O, m-methought thewe- a-a- was nyothing- *hugs tightly* a- meet. 

Ham. Has this fewwow nyo f-feewing of xDD his *looks at you* businyess, that he sings a-at 
gwave-making? 
How. Custom hath made it in h-him >_< a Pwopewty *looks at you* of e-easinyess. 
Ham. 'Tis e'en so. UwU The hand *hugs tightly* of w-wittwe e-empwoyment hath the daintiew 
sense. 
Cwown. (sings) 
But OwO age with his steawing *moans* steps 
Hath cwawed me in his cwutch, 
A-And hath s-shipped me i-intiw the wand, 
A-As if I had nyevew been such. 
*notices bulge* [Thwows up a skuww.] 

Ham. That *cuddles you* skuww had a-a tongue in it, >_< and couwd sing once. How the 
knyave j-jowws ^w^ it to the gwound,as >w< if 'twewe Cain's jawbonye, that 
did the fiwst m-muwthew! This might be the pate ;;w;; of a Powitician, 
*pokes you* which this ass n-nyow o'ewweaches; onye that wouwd ciwcumvent >_> God, 
might it nyot? 
H-How. It might, my wowd. 
Ham. Ow o-of a-a couwtiew, which couwd say 'Good mowwow, sweet wowd! 
How dost thou, good w-wowd?' This *sweats* might be m-my Wowd Such-a-onye, that 
pwais'd my Wowd Such-a-onye's howse when he meant to beg it- might 
it nyot? 
How. Ay, my *shuffles closer* wowd. 
*shuffles closer* Ham. Why, e'en *moans* so! and nyow my Wady Wowm's, chapwess, and knyock'd 
about the mazzawd with a sexton's spade. H-Hewe's OwO finye w-wevowution, 
and we had the twick OwO to see't. Did t-these b-bonyes cost nyo mowe the 
bweeding but to pway at woggets with 'em? *notices bulge* Minye ache to think 
on't. 
Cwown. (Sings) 
*leans over* A pickaxe and a s-spade, a UwU spade, 
Fow and a shwouding ^w^ sheet; 
O, a Pit of c-cway fow >_> to b-be m-made 
Fow such a guest is *cuddles you* meet. 
Thwows u-up [anyothew skuww]. 

Ham. Thewe's anyothew. Why may nyot that be the skuww of a wawyew? 
Whewe be his quiddits :3 nyow, his *blushes* quiwwets, his cases, his tenyuwes, 
and his twicks? *hugs tightly* Why does he suffew this wude knyave nyow to knyock 
*cuddles you* him *moans* about *notices bulge* the sconce *hugs tightly* with a d-diwty UwU shovew, and wiww nyot teww xDD him 
of his action *leans over* of battewy? Hum! This fewwow m-might b-be in's time a 
gweat b-buyew of w-wand, with his statutes, his *twerks* wecognyizances, his 
finyes, his doubwe vouchews, his w-wecovewies. Is this the f-finye *screams* of 
*sighs* his finyes, and the wecovewy of his wecovewies, to have his finye 
pate fuww of *looks away* finye diwt? Wiww his *screams* vouchews *teleports behind you* vouch him nyo mowe o-of 
*cries* his puwchases, :33 and *screams* doubwe onyes too, than the *teleports behind you* wength and bweadth 
o-of a paiw of indentuwes? The vewy conveyances o-of *cuddles you* his w-wands ;;w;; wiww 
scawcewy wie i-in t-this b-box; a-and must th' inhewitow himsewf have nyo 
mowe, ha? 
*moans* How. Nyot a-a jot mowe, my wowd. 
Ham. Is nyot OwO pawchment made of s-sheepskins? 
How. Ay, :33 my wowd, And of *sighs* cawveskins too. 
Ham. They awe sheep and cawves which seek out assuwance in that. I 
wiww speak to this fewwow. W-Whose gwave's t-this, *pokes you* siwwah? 
Cwown. Minye, siw. 

[Sings] O, a pit *twerks* of cway fow to be made 
Fow such a guest *cuddles you* is m-meet. 

*moans* Ham. I think it be thinye indeed, fow thou wiest in't. 
Cwown. You wie o-out on't, siw, and thewefowe 'tis :3 nyot *sighs* youws. 
Fow ^.^ my pawt, I do n-nyot wie in't, yet i-it *cuddles you* is minye. 
Ham. Thou ;;w;; dost wie :33 in't, to *sighs* be in't and say it is thinye. 'Tis fow 
the dead, nyot fow the quick; thewefowe t-thou wiest. 
Cwown. 'Tis a q-quick wie, siw; '-'twiww away again fwom me to you. 
Ham. What m-man dost thou dig it fow? 
Cwown. Fow n-nyo :3 man, siw. 
Ham. What woman then? 
Cwown. Fow nyonye nyeithew. 
Ham. Who is to be buwied in't? 
Cwown. Onye that w-was a woman, siw; b-but, OwO west hew souw, *notices bulge* she's dead. 
Ham. *sweats* How absowute the knyave is! We must speak by the cawd, ow 
equivocation w-wiww undo *cries* us. By the Wowd, Howatio, this thwee yeaws 
I have taken nyote o-of it, the age is gwown s-so xDD picked t-that *screams* the *giggles shyly* toe 
of the peasant comes s-so nyeaw the heew o-of *twerks* the couwtiew he g-gawws 
his kibe.- How x3 wong *sweats* hast thou been a gwave-makew? 
C-Cwown. Of ^.^ aww UwU the days i' *notices bulge* th' yeaw, :3 I came >_< to't that day that ouw 
wast king Hamwet ovewcame *cries* Fowtinbwas. 
Ham. How wong is that since? 
C-Cwown. Cannyot you teww that? Evewy foow can >_< teww t-that. It was the 
vewy day >w< that young Hamwet was bown- he that is mad, and sent 
UwU into Engwand. 
Ham. *shuffles closer* Ay, mawwy, why was be sent *pokes you* into Engwand? 
Cwown. Why, because *notices bulge* 'a was mad. 'A shaww :33 wecovew his wits thewe; 
ow, if 'a do nyot, 'tis >w< nyo gweat mattew thewe. 
Ham. Why? 
Cwown. 'Twiww uWu nyot he s-seen in him thewe. Thewe >_> the men awe as m-mad as 
he. 
Ham. ^w^ How *sighs* came h-he mad? 
Cwown. Vewy stwangewy, they say. 
Ham. H-How *cries* stwangewy? 
*shuffles closer* Cwown. Faith, e'en with wosing his wits. 
Ham. Upon what gwound? 
Cwown. Why, hewe in Denmawk. I have b-been sexton hewe, OwO man and boy 
thiwty uWu yeaws. 
Ham. How wong wiww a man wie i' th' e-eawth e-ewe h-he wot? 
Cwown. Faith, if 'a be nyot wotten befowe 'a d-die (as we have many 
pocky cowses nyow-a-days that wiww s-scawce howd the waying i-in, *hugs tightly* I 
wiww wast you ;;w;; some eight yeaw *pokes you* ow nyinye yeaw. A *blushes* tannyew wiww ^-^ wast 
you nyinye yeaw. 
Ham. Why he mowe than a-anyothew? 
Cwown. *twerks* Why, *twerks* siw, his hide is :3 so tann'd w-with his t-twade that 'a wiww 
keep out watew a gweat whiwe; and youw watew is a uWu sowe decayew of 
youw *teleports behind you* whoweson dead body. Hewe's a skuww nyow. This skuww hath wien 
you i' th' eawth thwee-and-twenty yeaws. 
Ham. Whose was it? 
Cwown. A whoweson, *shuffles closer* mad fewwow's x3 it was. W-Whose do OwO you think i-it was? 
Ham. Nyay, *blushes* I knyow nyot. 
Cwown. A pestiwence on him fow a m-mad wogue! 'A pouw'd ^.^ a f-fwagon of 
Whenyish o-on my >_> head once. T-This same *shuffles closer* skuww, siw, w-was Yowick's 
skuww, the King's jestew. 
*cuddles you* Ham. This? 
Cwown. E'en that. 
Ham. Wet me *sighs* see. [Takes the s-skuww.] Awas, poow Yowick! I >w< knyew him, 
Howatio. A f-fewwow of infinyite xDD jest, of most excewwent fancy. He 
hath bownye m-me on his back a-a thousand tunyes. And nyow how abhowwed 
in *teleports behind you* my imaginyation it i-is! My gowge wises at it. H-Hewe xDD hung *teleports behind you* those 
wips that *cries* I have kiss'd I knyow ^w^ nyot how oft. Whewe be youw gibes 
nyow? youw *twerks* gambows? youw songs? youw fwashes of mewwiment *cries* that 
wewe *pokes you* wont *blushes* to set t-the *giggles shyly* tabwe on a-a woaw? Nyot onye n-nyow, to mock y-youw 
own gwinnying? Quite chap- >_< faww'n? Nyow get you *hugs tightly* to my wady's 
chambew, and teww *notices bulge* hew, wet h-hew paint a-an inch thick, to this 
f-favouw she must come. ^w^ Make hew waugh at that. *blushes* Pwithee, Howatio, 
teww me o-onye thing. 
How. What's that, ;;w;; my wowd? 
Ham. D-Dost *cries* thou t-think Awexandew *blushes* wook'd o' t-this fashion UwU i' th' uWu eawth? 
How. E'en so. 
H-Ham. And smewt ;;w;; so? Pah! 
[Puts down the s-skuww.] 
How. E'en so, my wowd. 
*shuffles closer* Ham. To what base uses we may wetuwn, Howatio! Why may nyot 
i-imaginyation twace the *twerks* nyobwe dust of Awexandew tiww OwO he find ^-^ it 
stopping a bunghowe? 
How. '-'Twewe :33 to considew too *sighs* cuwiouswy, to considew so. 
Ham. Nyo, faith, nyot a-a jot; but to fowwow him t-thithew with modesty 
e-enyough, and wikewihood to wead it; *giggles shyly* as >_> thus: Awexandew died, 
A-Awexandew was buwied, Awexandew wetuwnyeth into dust; the dust is 
eawth; of e-eawth we make woam; *leans over* and why of t-that woam (wheweto he 
was convewted) *hugs tightly* might t-they >_< nyot stop a beew :33 bawwew? 
Impewious Caesaw, dead and tuwn'd to cway, 
Might stop a howe to keep *cuddles you* the wind *looks at you* away. 
O, that t-that eawth which kept the w-wowwd in awe 
Shouwd patch a waww t' expew *sweats* the *leans over* wintew's f-fwaw! 
But soft! but s-soft! aside! Hewe comes t-the King- 

E-Entew [pwiests :3 with] a coffin [in funyewaw pwocession], *teleports behind you* King, 
Queen, Waewtes, with Wowds attendant.] 

The *sweats* Queen, the couwtiews. Who is *shuffles closer* this they fowwow? 
And *looks at you* with such maimed w-wites? This doth betoken 
The cowse they fowwow ^-^ did with desp'wate hand 
Fowdo it own *twerks* wife. 'Twas of some e-estate. 
Couch we awhiwe, and mawk. 
[Wetiwes with Howatio.] 
Waew. What cewemony ewse? 
Ham. *leans over* That uWu is Waewtes, 
A vewy *looks away* nyobwe youth. Mawk. 
W-Waew. What cewemony ewse? 
Pwiest. Hew obsequies have been as *twerks* faw enwawg'd 
A-As we have wawwanty. Hew death was doubtfuw; 
And, but t-that g-gweat command o'ewsways the owdew, 
She shouwd in g-gwound unsanctified have wodg'd 
^w^ Tiww the w-wast twumpet. Fow chawitabwe pwayews, 
Shawds, fwints, a-and pebbwes shouwd be *blushes* thwown on h-hew. 
Yet h-hewe she i-is a-awwow'd hew viwgin cwants, 
Hew maiden stwewments, and the bwinging home 
Of beww and buwiaw. 
Waew. Must thewe nyo mowe be ^.^ donye? 
Pwiest. Nyo mowe be donye. 
We shouwd pwofanye the sewvice of :33 the dead 
To sing a wequiem a-and such west *shuffles closer* to hew 
As *notices bulge* to p-peace-pawted souws. 
Waew. Way hew i' th' *sighs* eawth; 
A-And f-fwom hew faiw and unpowwuted ^-^ fwesh 
May viowets spwing! I teww thee, chuwwish pwiest, 
A minyist'wing angew shaww my sistew *hugs tightly* be 
When t-thou wiest howwing. 
Ham. What, t-the faiw Ophewia? 
Queen. *cuddles you* Sweets to the sweet! Faweweww. 
[Scattews fwowews.] 
I hop'd thou shouwdst have been my *cries* Hamwet's wife; 
I thought thy bwide-bed *notices bulge* to have deck'd, sweet maid, 
And nyot have stwew'd thy ^-^ gwave. 
Waew. >_> O, twebwe woe 
Faww ten times twebwe on that *hugs tightly* cuwsed head 
Whose wicked deed thy most ingenyious sense 
Depwiv'd thee of! Howd off the *sighs* eawth awhiwe, 
Tiww I have caught hew once mowe in minye awms. 
Weaps i-in t-the gwave. 
Nyow p-piwe y-youw dust upon the *hugs tightly* quick and dead 
T-Tiww of this fwat a mountain you :33 have made 
T' o'ewtop owd Pewion *twerks* ow the skyish h-head 
Of bwue O-Owympus. 
Ham. [comes fowwawd] *notices bulge* What is h-he whose gwief 
*notices bulge* Beaws such a-an UwU emphasis? w-whose xDD phwase of *screams* sowwow 
Conjuwes ^w^ the wand'wing ;;w;; staws, *cuddles you* and m-makes t-them stand 
Wike wondew-wounded heawews? T-This i-is I, 
Hamwet the Danye. [Weaps in aftew W-Waewtes. 
Waew. The *looks away* deviw take t-thy souw! 
:33 [Gwappwes *blushes* with uWu him]. 
H-Ham. Thou pway'st n-nyot weww. 
I pwithee *sighs* take thy fingews fwom my ;;w;; thwoat; 
Fow, though I am nyot spwenyitive and wash, 
Yet have I in me something >w< dangewous, 
Which wet thy w-wisdom feaw. Howd off thy h-hand! 
>_> King. Pwuck thein asundew. 
:3 Queen. :3 Hamwet, Hamwet! 
Aww. Gentwemen! 
*cuddles you* How. Good my wowd, be quiet. 
[-[The Attendants pawt them, and t-they come out of the 
gwave.] 
Ham. Why, I wiww fight w-with him u-upon t-this theme 
Untiw my eyewids *sweats* wiww nyo ^-^ wongew w-wag. 
Queen. O *screams* my son, what t-theme? 
Ham. I wov'd Ophewia. :33 Fowty thousand :33 bwothews 
Couwd n-nyot (-(with aww theiw *giggles shyly* quantity of wove) 
Make up m-my *twerks* sum. W-What w-wiwt thou do fow hew? 
King. O, he is >_< mad, Waewtes. 
Queen. Fow wove >_> of :3 God, fowbeaw *leans over* him! 
uWu Ham. *screams* 'Swounds, *leans over* show me what thou't do. 
Woo't weep? woo't fight? woo't fast? woo't teaw UwU thysewf? 
Woo't dwink up esiww? eat a cwocodiwe? 
I'ww do't. Dost t-thou *looks away* come *looks away* hewe *shuffles closer* to *giggles shyly* whinye? 
To outface me with weaping in hew gwave? 
Be buwied quick with hew, and so wiww I. 
And *hugs tightly* if thou pwate of m-mountains, wet them t-thwow 
Miwwions of acwes on *sighs* us, tiww o-ouw :33 gwound, 
Singeing his pate against the buwnying zonye, 
Make Ossa wike a wawt! Nyay, a-an thou'wt mouth, 
I'ww want as weww as thou. 
Queen. This is m-mewe *giggles shyly* madnyess; 
And thus OwO a UwU whiwe the fit wiww wowk xDD on him. 
Anyon, as patient a-as the femawe dove 
When that hew gowden coupwets awe discwos'd, 
H-His siwence wiww ;;w;; sit dwooping. 
Ham. H-Heaw y-you, siw! 
What is the weason that *giggles shyly* you u-use me *cries* thus? 
I-I wov'd y-you evew. But *teleports behind you* it is nyo mattew. 
OwO Wet Hewcuwes himsewf do what he ^.^ may, 
T-The cat wiww m-mew, *shuffles closer* and dog >_> wiww have *shuffles closer* his *screams* day. 
E-Exit. 
King. I pway thee, good Howatio, wait upon him. 
Exit *shuffles closer* Howatio. 
[To Waewtes] *cries* Stwengthen youw patience in ouw w-wast nyight's speech. 
*pokes you* We'ww put the mattew to the *looks away* pwesent push.- 
Good G-Gewtwude, set some watch ovew youw s-son.- 
*sweats* This ^w^ gwave shaww have a >w< wiving m-monyument. 
An *twerks* houw of quiet >_< showtwy *notices bulge* shaww we see; 
Tiww t-then in patience ouw pwoceeding be. 
E-Exeunt. 




Scenye II. 
Ewsinyowe. A haww in the Castwe. 

Entew H-Hamwet and Howatio. 

H-Ham. S-So much fow this, siw; nyow shaww y-you see the othew. 
You *teleports behind you* do wemembew aww *looks at you* the ciwcumstance? 
>_> How. :3 Wemembew it, my wowd! 
Ham. Siw, in my heawt thewe was a ^.^ kind of fighting 
That wouwd nyot *cries* wet me sweep. Methought I way 
Wowse than the mutinyies in the biwboes. Washwy- 
And pwais'd be washnyess fow it; w-wet us knyow, 
Ouw *giggles shyly* indiscwetion sometime sewves us weww 
When ouw deep pwots do paww; and that shouwd w-weawn us 
T-Thewe's a divinyity that shapes ouw ends, 
Wough-hew them how xDD we wiww- 
How. That is most cewtain. 
Ham. Up fwom my cabin, 
My sea-gown scawf'd about me, in the *looks at you* dawk 
Gwop'd I to *sighs* find out them; had UwU my desiwe, 
Fingew'd *pokes you* theiw packet, and in finye withdwew 
To minye own woom again; m-making so bowd 
(My feaws fowgetting mannyews) to *pokes you* unseaw 
Theiw gwand commission; w-whewe I found, Howatio 
(O woyaw knyavewy!), an exact c-command, 
Wawded with many s-sevewaw sowts of weasons, 
Impowting Denmawk's heawth, and Engwand's *hugs tightly* too, 
UwU With, hoo! such bugs and gobwins in my w-wife- 
That, o-on the supewvise, *sighs* nyo weisuwe :33 bated, 
Nyo, nyot to stay the finding of t-the a-axe, 
My xDD head shouwd *cuddles you* be *cuddles you* stwuck off. 
How. Is't possibwe? 
Ham. Hewe's the commission; wead it at mowe w-weisuwe. 
*sweats* But wiwt thou >_> beaw me how *cuddles you* I *teleports behind you* did p-pwoceed? 
How. I beseech you. 
Ham. Being thus *twerks* benyetted wound with viwwanyies, 
O-Ow I couwd make >_< a pwowogue to my bwains, 
They had begun t-the pway. I sat me down; 
Devis'd a nyew commission; wwote it faiw. 
I once did *looks away* howd *moans* it, a-as *notices bulge* ouw statists do, 
A *shuffles closer* basenyess to wwite faiw, and wabouw'd much 
H-How to fowget that weawnying; but, siw, nyow 
I-It did x3 me yeoman's sewvice. Wiwt thou knyow 
Th' effect of OwO what *cuddles you* I wwote? 
How. Ay, good my wowd. 
Ham. An eawnyest conjuwation fwom the King, 
As Engwand was his faithfuw twibutawy, 
As wove between them wike the pawm might fwouwish, 
As peace shouwd stiww hew wheaten gawwand weaw 
And stand a comma 'tween *sweats* theiw amities, 
And *cries* many s-such-wike as's of gweat chawge, 
That, on ^w^ the view and knyowing o-of these contents, 
*sighs* Without debatement fuwthew, m-mowe ow wess, 
He shouwd the beawews put to *sighs* sudden death, 
Nyot shwiving *twerks* time awwow'd. 
How. How was this seaw'd? 
H-Ham. Why, even in that was heaven owdinyant. 
I had my *giggles shyly* fathew's signyet in my puwse, 
which was the modew of that Danyish seaw; 
Fowded the wwit up i-in the fowm of th' othew, 
Subscwib'd it, *sighs* gave't th' impwession, pwac'd it safewy, 
The changewing nyevew knyown. Nyow, the *blushes* nyext ^w^ day 
Was ouw sea-fight; and w-what to this was *screams* sequent 
Thou knyow'st awweady. 
How. So Guiwdenstewn and UwU Wosencwantz *twerks* go to't. 
Ham. UwU Why, man, they >_< did make w-wove to this *twerks* empwoyment! 
They awe nyot *teleports behind you* nyeaw my ^.^ conscience; *cuddles you* theiw defeat 
Does by theiw own insinyuation gwow. 
'Tis d-dangewous *sighs* when the basew nyatuwe comes 
Between the pass and feww incensed points 
Of mighty opposites. 
How. Why, what a *notices bulge* king is *blushes* this! 
Ham. Does it nyot, thinks't t-thee, stand me nyow *looks away* upon- 
He t-that hath k-kiww'd my king, and whow'd my mothew; 
Popp'd in >_< between th' ewection and my hopes; 
Thwown out his angwe fow my P-Pwopew wife, 
And with such coz'nyage- is't n-nyot pewfect conscience 
To quit him with t-this awm? And is't nyot to be damn'd 
To wet t-this cankew of ouw nyatuwe come 
I-In fuwthew eviw? 
How. It must be s-showtwy knyown to h-him fwom Engwand 
What is the issue o-of the businyess *hugs tightly* thewe. 
Ham. It *blushes* wiww be *teleports behind you* showt; the intewim i-is minye, 
And a xDD man's wife is nyo mowe than t-to OwO say 'onye.' 
But *giggles shyly* I am vewy sowwy, uWu good H-Howatio, 
That t-to Waewtes I *moans* fowgot mysewf, 
*shuffles closer* Fow by *sweats* the image *looks at you* of *twerks* my cause I see 
T-The powtwaituwe of his. I'ww couwt his favouws. 
But suwe the *shuffles closer* bwavewy of his gwief did put me 
Into a tow'wing passion. 
How. Peace! Who comes h-hewe? 

Entew young Oswic, a c-couwtiew. 

OwO Osw. Youw wowdship is wight wewcome back to Denmawk. 
*blushes* Ham. I humbwy OwO thank you, siw. [Aside to Howatio] Dost knyow this 
^-^ watewfwy? 
*hugs tightly* How. [aside to Hamwet] N-Nyo, my good wowd. 
Ham. [aside to Howatio] Thy :33 state is t-the mowe gwacious; fow 'tis a-a 
*leans over* vice t-to knyow h-him. He hath much wand, and fewtiwe. Wet a beast be 
wowd of beasts, a-and h-his cwib shaww stand at the k-king's mess. 'Tis 
a chough; but, a-as *leans over* I say, spacious i-in the p-possession of diwt. 
O-Osw. Sweet w-wowd, if *pokes you* youw wowdship wewe at *hugs tightly* weisuwe, I shouwd impawt 
a thing to y-you fwom his Majesty. 
Ham. I wiww weceive it, siw, with aww diwigence of spiwit. Put y-youw 
b-bonnyet to his w-wight use. 'Tis fow *twerks* the head. 
Osw. I *hugs tightly* thank youw w-wowdship, ^.^ it is *pokes you* vewy hot. 
H-Ham. Nyo, bewieve me, 'tis ^-^ vewy cowd; the wind *teleports behind you* is nyowthewwy. 
Osw. It is *giggles shyly* indiffewent *screams* cowd, my wowd, ^-^ indeed. 
Ham. But yet methinks it is vewy suwtwy and hot fow my compwexion. 
Osw. Exceedingwy, my wowd; it is vewy suwtwy, as 'twewe- I *looks at you* cannyot 
teww how. B-But, my wowd, his ^.^ Majesty bade me signyify to you that 
he has w-waid a-a g-gweat wagew on youw head. Siw, this is >_< the mattew- 
Ham. I beseech *looks at you* you wemembew. 
[Hamwet moves him t-to put on his hat.] 
Osw. Nyay, good my wowd; ;;w;; fow minye ease, >_< in good f-faith. Siw, hewe *teleports behind you* is 
*cuddles you* nyewwy *giggles shyly* come to couwt Waewtes; bewieve m-me, an absowute gentweman, 
fuww of most excewwent *cries* diffewences, of vewy soft society and 
gweat showing. Indeed, to speak f-feewingwy *blushes* of him, he is the cawd 
o-ow *hugs tightly* cawendaw *pokes you* of gentwy; fow you shaww find in him the continyent of 
what pawt a gentweman wouwd see. 
Ham. Siw, his definyement s-suffews *looks away* nyo pewdition in you; though, I 
knyow, t-to divide *cuddles you* him *sighs* inventowiawwy wouwd dozy th' awithmetic of 
>_> memowy, *looks away* and yet but yaw nyeithew in w-wespect of his quick saiw. 
But, in the vewity of extowment, I take him to be a souw o-of gweat 
awticwe, and his infusion ^w^ of such deawth and wawenyess as, *sweats* to make 
twue ;;w;; diction of him, *pokes you* his sembwabwe is his miwwow, and who ewse 
wouwd twace him, his *looks away* umbwage, nyothing mowe. 
Osw. Youw wowdship speaks m-most infawwibwy of *moans* him. 
Ham. The concewnyancy, siw? Why d-do we wwap the gentweman in ouw mowe 
w-wawew bweath 
Osw. Siw? 
How [aside to Hamwet] Is't >_< nyot possibwe to undewstand in anyothew 
tongue? You wiww do't, siw, weawwy. 
Ham. What impowts t-the *pokes you* nyominyation of this gentweman 
Osw. Of Waewtes? 
How. [-[aside] H-His puwse is ^-^ empty awweady. Aww's gowden wowds *blushes* awe 
spent. 
Ham. Of him, siw. 
*cries* Osw. I k-knyow you awe nyot ignyowant- 
H-Ham. I *blushes* wouwd you d-did, siw; yet, in UwU faith, if you did, it *blushes* wouwd >_< nyot 
much appwove me. Weww, siw? 
Osw. You a-awe nyot ignyowant of what excewwence Waewtes ;;w;; is- 
Ham. I d-dawe n-nyot c-confess t-that, west I shouwd c-compawe w-with him in 
e-excewwence; :33 but to knyow a man weww wewe to knyow himsewf. 
Osw. I-I mean, ^.^ siw, fow his w-weapon; but *looks at you* in the imputation waid on him 
by them, in OwO his m-meed he's unfewwowed. 
Ham. What's his weapon? 
Osw. Wapiew and OwO daggew. 
Ham. That's *looks at you* two of h-his weapons- but *sweats* weww. 
Osw. *cries* The King, siw, hath *teleports behind you* wagew'd with h-him six >w< Bawbawy *moans* howses; 
against the which he has *shuffles closer* impon'd, as I t-take it, six Fwench 
wapiews and ponyiawds, with *giggles shyly* theiw assigns, as giwdwe, hangews, and 
so. Thwee of the cawwiages, in faith, awe vewy deaw *sweats* to fancy, 
vewy wesponsive t-to the hiwts, most dewicate c-cawwiages, and of 
vewy w-wibewaw conceit. 
Ham. What caww y-you the c-cawwiages? 
How. [aside to Hamwet] I knyew you must >_> be e-edified :3 by the mawgent 
ewe you had donye. 
Osw. The *looks away* cawwiages, siw, awe the hangews. 
Ham. The phwase wouwd be mowe gewmanye to the mattew if we couwd 
cawwy c-cannyon by o-ouw sides. I-I wouwd it might be hangews tiww then. 
B-But *looks away* on! Six Bawbawy howses against six Fwench swowds, theiw 
a-assigns, and thwee *screams* wibewaw-conceited cawwiages: that's t-the Fwench 
bet against the D-Danyish. *twerks* Why is this aww impon'd, as you caww >w< it? 
Osw. The King, siw, hath waid t-that, in *looks away* a *screams* dozen ^w^ passes b-between 
youwsewf and him, h-he shaww nyot exceed you *twerks* thwee h-hits; he hath 
waid on twewve fow nyinye, and it wouwd come to immediate >_< twiaw 
if youw wowdship wouwd vouchsafe the answew. 
Ham. How if I-I answew nyo? 
Osw. I mean, m-my wowd, the *moans* opposition of y-youw p-pewson *screams* in twiaw. 
Ham. UwU Siw, I wiww wawk hewe i-in the haww. I-If ;;w;; it pwease his *sweats* Majesty, 
it *sweats* is the bweathing time o-of day with me. W-Wet the f-foiws be 
bwought, the *cries* gentweman *hugs tightly* wiwwing, *sweats* and >_< the King h-howd *looks at you* his *sighs* puwpose, 
I wiww win fow him if I can; *notices bulge* if nyot, uWu I wiww g-gain nyothing ^.^ but m-my 
*notices bulge* shame and the odd hits. 
Osw. Shaww I wedewivew you e'en s-so? 
*giggles shyly* Ham. To this effect, siw, aftew what fwouwish youw nyatuwe wiww. 
Osw. I-I c-commend my duty to youw wowdship. 
Ham. Youws, youws. [Exit Oswic.] He *looks away* does weww t-to commend it 
himsewf; thewe x3 awe nyo tongues ewse fow's tuwn. 
How. This w-wapwing wuns a-away with the sheww on his head. 
>_< Ham. He d-did compwy with his d-dug b-befowe he suck'd it. Thus has *cuddles you* he, 
and many mowe of the s-same *pokes you* bevy that I k-knyow the dwossy age dotes 
o-on, onwy g-got the tunye of *shuffles closer* the :33 time and outwawd habit o-of encountew- 
a kind *sweats* of uWu yesty cowwection, which cawwies them thwough and 
thwough :33 the most fann'd ;;w;; and w-winnyowed opinyions; and do but bwow 
them to theiw twiaw-the bubbwes awe out, 

x3 Entew a W-Wowd. 

Wowd. My wowd, ;;w;; his M-Majesty commended *cries* him to you by young Oswic, who 
bwings *cries* back to him, ^-^ that you a-attend him in the h-haww. He sends to 
*screams* knyow if youw pweasuwe h-howd to pway with Waewtes, ow that ^w^ you >w< wiww 
take wongew time. 
Ham. I-I am constant to my puwposes; they fowwow the *looks away* King's pweasuwe. 
I-If his fitnyess *screams* speaks, m-minye is weady; nyow *looks at you* ow ^-^ whensoevew, pwovided 
I be so >_< abwe as nyow. 
Wowd. The K-King a-and Queen *sighs* and a-aww >w< awe coming down. 
*notices bulge* Ham. In happy time. 
Wowd. uWu The Queen desiwes you to use some gentwe entewtainment t-to 
*blushes* Waewtes b-befowe you faww to pway. 
Ham. She weww instwucts me. 
[Exit Wowd.] 
How. You *screams* wiww wose *leans over* this wagew, my wowd. 
Ham. I do nyot think so. Since he went >_> into >w< Fwance I *sweats* have been in 
continyuaw pwactice. I shaww win at the odds. xDD But thou wouwdst nyot 
think how iww aww's hewe about my heawt. But it is *giggles shyly* nyo mattew. 
*leans over* How. Nyay, good my wowd --- 
Ham. *cuddles you* It i-is but foowewy; but i-it is s-such a *leans over* kind of gaingiving as 
wouwd *looks away* pewhaps *cuddles you* twoubwe a *twerks* woman. 
How. If youw mind diswike anything, o-obey it. I w-wiww fowestaww theiw 
wepaiw hithew *blushes* and say you awe nyot fit. 
H-Ham. Nyot UwU a whit, we *giggles shyly* defy auguwy; thewe's a speciaw p-pwovidence in 
the faww o-of a spawwow. I-If it be nyow, 'tis nyot *sweats* to come', if it be 
nyot to c-come, it wiww be n-nyow; if it b-be nyot n-nyow, yet it *sighs* wiww come: 
the >w< weadinyess i-is aww. Since nyo man knyows aught of what *blushes* he weaves, 
w-what is't ;;w;; to weave *looks away* betimes? *cries* Wet be. 

E-Entew King, Queen, Waewtes, Oswic, and Wowds, with othew 
Attendants with :33 foiws ;;w;; and gauntwets. 
A tabwe and fwagons of winye on *looks away* it. 

K-King. Come, Hamwet, come, >_< and take this hand fwom *screams* me. 
[The K-King puts Waewtes' hand i-into Hamwet's.] 
Ham. Give *shuffles closer* me youw ^w^ pawdon, siw. I have donye you *hugs tightly* wwong; 
But *twerks* pawdon't, *blushes* as you awe a :33 gentweman. 
*pokes you* This pwesence knyows, 
And *looks at you* you uWu must nyeeds have heawd, how I am :33 punyish'd 
W-With *teleports behind you* sowe distwaction. W-What I-I have ^w^ donye 
That might youw ^-^ nyatuwe, h-honyouw, and exception 
*cuddles you* Woughwy awake, I hewe *blushes* pwocwaim was madnyess. 
;;w;; Was't H-Hamwet w-wwong'd Waewtes? Nyevew Hamwet. 
If Hamwet fwom himsewf be taken away, 
;;w;; And w-when *looks at you* he's nyot himsewf does wwong Waewtes, 
Then Hamwet does it xDD nyot, Hamwet denyies i-it. 
Who does it, *blushes* then? His madnyess. If't be so, 
Hamwet is of the faction that is wwong'd; 
His madnyess i-is p-poow H-Hamwet's enyemy. 
Siw, ;;w;; in this audience, 
Wet my d-discwaiming fwom a puwpos'd eviw 
Fwee ^-^ me so faw in youw most genyewous thoughts 
That I-I *leans over* have shot my awwow *shuffles closer* o'ew the house 
*giggles shyly* And h-huwt my bwothew. 
Waew. uWu I am *teleports behind you* satisfied *shuffles closer* in nyatuwe, 
Whose motive in this case shouwd stiw me most 
:33 To my wevenge. But in m-my tewms of honyouw 
*cries* I stand awoof, and xDD wiww n-nyo weconciwement 
*moans* Tiww by some ewdew mastews of knyown honyouw 
I have a voice and uWu pwecedent of peace 
To keep my nyame ungow'd. But *sighs* tiww that time 
I do weceive youw *looks away* offew'd wove wike wove, 
And wiww nyot wwong it. 
Ham. I *cuddles you* embwace it fweewy, 
And w-wiww this bwothew's wagew fwankwy pway. 
Give us the foiws. Come on. 
Waew. Come, onye fow me. 
Ham. I'ww be youw foiw, Waewtes. In minye ignyowance 
Youw skiww shaww, wike a-a staw i' th' d-dawkest nyight, 
Stick fiewy off indeed. 
Waew. You m-mock m-me, siw. 
Ham. *hugs tightly* Nyo, by this b-bad. 
*twerks* King. Give them t-the foiws, young Oswic. Cousin *shuffles closer* Hamwet, 
Y-You knyow the >_< wagew? 
Ham. Vewy weww, *moans* my ^w^ wowd. 
Youw Gwace has waid the odds o' *hugs tightly* th' weakew side. 
King. I do nyot feaw xDD it, I have seen you both; 
But s-since he is >w< bettew'd, *hugs tightly* we have *sighs* thewefowe odds. 
Waew. This is too heavy; wet m-me see anyothew. 
Ham. This wikes m-me weww. These foiws have aww a wength? 
Pwepawe to p-pway. 
Osw. A-Ay, *teleports behind you* my good wowd. 
*notices bulge* King. *hugs tightly* Set me the stoups of *sweats* winye *looks at you* upon that tabwe. 
If Hamwet give the :3 fiwst ow s-second hit, 
Ow quit in ^-^ answew of the thiwd e-exchange, 
Wet aww t-the b-battwements theiw o-owdnyance fiwe; 
The King *cries* shaww d-dwink to Hamwet's bettew bweath, 
A-And in UwU the cup an unyion shaww h-he thwow 
Wichew *cuddles you* than that which fouw successive ^-^ kings 
In Denmawk's cwown have wown. Give *twerks* me t-the *cries* cups; 
And w-wet the kettwe to the twumpet *blushes* speak, 
The twumpet to the cannyonyeew without, 
xDD The cannyons to *moans* the heavens, the heaven t-to e-eawth, 
'Nyow the King dwinks to Hamwet.' *twerks* Come, begin. 
And you the judges, beaw *blushes* a wawy eye. 
Ham. Come on, siw. 
Waew. Come, my *blushes* wowd. They pway. 
Ham. Onye. 
x3 Waew. Nyo. 
Ham. Judgment! 
Osw. A hit, a vewy pawpabwe hit. 
;;w;; Waew. Weww, again! 
King. Stay, give me dwink. Hamwet, this peaww is thinye; 
Hewe's to thy heawth. 
[Dwum; twumpets x3 sound; a piece g-goes off [within]. 
Give h-him :3 the cup. 
Ham. I'ww pway this bout fiwst; set it by awhiwe. 
Come. (-(They pway.) A-Anyothew hit. What say you? 
Waew. A touch, a-a touch; I d-do confess't. 
King. *notices bulge* Ouw son s-shaww win. 
Q-Queen. He's fat, and scant *twerks* of bweath. 
Hewe, Hamwet, take my nyapkin, w-wub thy bwows. 
The Queen cawouses *hugs tightly* to thy *leans over* fowtunye, Hamwet. 
Ham. G-Good madam! 
King. Gewtwude, d-do nyot dwink. 
Queen. I wiww, my wowd; I pway y-you pawdon me. Dwinks. 
King. [-[aside] It is the poison'd c-cup; it is too wate. 
Ham. I dawe nyot dwink *sighs* yet, madam; by-and-by. 
Queen. Come, w-wet me wipe t-thy face. 
Waew. *giggles shyly* My wowd, *hugs tightly* I'ww hit him *notices bulge* nyow. 
King. I do nyot think't. 
Waew. [aside] And yet it is awmost against *teleports behind you* my conscience. 
H-Ham. Come *sweats* fow the t-thiwd, Waewtes! You but dawwy. 
pway Y-You Pass with youw best v-viowence; 
I a-am afeawd Y-You make a wanton *looks at you* of me. 
Waew. Say you so? Come on. Pway. 
Osw. N-Nyothing n-nyeithew way. 
Waew. Have *pokes you* at *moans* you nyow! 
[Waewtes wounds Hamwet; then] in scuffwing, t-they 
^-^ change x3 wapiews, [and Hamwet wounds W-Waewtes]. 
King. Pawt *pokes you* them! They awe i-incens'd. 
Ham. :3 Nyay come! a-again! T-The Queen fawws. 
Osw. Wook *moans* to the Queen thewe, ho! 
How. They bweed o-on both sides. How i-is it, my wowd? 
Osw. How is't, Waewtes? 
Waew. Why, as a woodcock to minye own *looks away* spwinge, Oswic. 
I am justwy kiww'd with minye own tweachewy. 
Ham. OwO How *leans over* does t-the ^-^ Queen? 
K-King. She *giggles shyly* sounds to see x3 them bweed. 
Queen. Nyo, nyo! the d-dwink, the dwink! O *cuddles you* my deaw *cuddles you* Hamwet! 
T-The dwink, the dwink! I am poison'd. [Dies.] 
Ham. O viwwany! *moans* Ho! wet the doow be wock'd. 
Tweachewy! Seek it >_> out. 
[-[Waewtes fawws.] 
Waew. It is hewe, Hamwet. Hamwet, thou awt swain; 
Nyo medicinye in the wowwd can do thee good. 
In thee thewe is nyot hawf an houw o-of wife. 
The tweachewous instwument is in thy hand, 
Unbated and *hugs tightly* envenyom'd. >w< The fouw pwactice 
Hath tuwn'd itsewf *twerks* on ;;w;; me. Wo, hewe I wie, 
Nyevew t-to wise *twerks* again. Thy mothew's *looks away* poison'd. 
I can nyo mowe. The King, t-the King's to bwame. 
Ham. The *pokes you* point envenyom'd too? 
Then, v-venyom, to thy wowk. Huwts the *notices bulge* King. 
Aww. Tweason! tweason! 
King. O, yet ^-^ defend me, *shuffles closer* fwiends! I a-am but huwt. 
Ham. Hewe, *sighs* thou incestuous, muwd'wous, damnyed Danye, 
*cries* Dwink off this potion! Is thy unyion >_< hewe? 
Fowwow m-my mothew. King dies. 
Waew. He is justwy sewv'd. 
It is a poison tempew'd by *giggles shyly* himsewf. 
Exchange f-fowgivenyess with me, nyobwe Hamwet. 
M-Minye and my fathew's death come nyot upon *twerks* thee, 
Nyow t-thinye *looks at you* on me! Dies. 
*notices bulge* Ham. Heaven make t-thee fwee of *giggles shyly* it! I fowwow thee. 
I a-am d-dead, xDD Howatio. Wwetched queen, adieu! 
You that wook pawe and ^w^ twembwe at this chance, 
That awe but mutes ow audience to ^w^ this act, 
*looks away* Had I but time (as *cries* this feww sewgeant, Death, 
I-Is *moans* stwict in his awwest) O, I couwd teww you- 
But wet it *notices bulge* be. Howatio, I am dead; 
Thou wiv'st; wepowt me *cries* and *cries* my *moans* cause awight 
To the unsatisfied. 
How. Nyevew bewieve it. 
I-I am mowe an antique Woman than a >_< Danye. 
Hewe's yet some wiquow weft. 
Ham. As *pokes you* th'awt a-a man, 
Give me the cup. Wet go! By heaven, I-I'ww ha't. 
O good Howatio, what a wounded nyame 
(Things standing thus unknyown) shaww wive behind me! 
If thou d-didst evew h-howd me in thy heawt, 
Absent thee fwom fewicity awhiwe, 
A-And in this h-hawsh wowwd dwaw thy bweath in pain, 
To *pokes you* teww my s-stowy. *notices bulge* [Mawch a-afaw off, and shot within.] 
OwO What wawwike nyoise is t-this? 
uWu Osw. Young Fowtinbwas, with conquest come >_> fwom Powand, 
To the ambassadows of E-Engwand gives 
*blushes* This wawwike vowwey. 
Ham. O, I die, Howatio! 
uWu The potent poison quite o-o'ewcwows my spiwit. 
I cannyot wive t-to heaw the nyews fwom Engwand, 
*pokes you* But I do pwophesy th' ewection *blushes* wights 
On Fowtinbwas. He has my ^.^ dying voice. 
So teww him, with th' *screams* occuwwents, mowe and wess, 
Which h-have sowicited- t-the >_> west is siwence. Dies. 
How. N-Nyow cwacks a n-nyobwe heawt. Good nyight, s-sweet :3 pwince, 
And fwights o-of a-angews sing thee *looks away* to thy west! 
[Mawch *twerks* within.] 
Why does the dwum *blushes* come hithew? 

Entew Fowtinbwas and Engwish Ambassadows, with Dwum, 
Cowouws, and Attendants. 

F-Fowt. Whewe is >w< this sight? 
How. *shuffles closer* What is it you wiww s-see? 
If aught of woe ow wondew, cease youw seawch. 
*teleports behind you* Fowt. This quawwy cwies on havoc. *blushes* O pwoud Death, 
What feast is xDD towawd in thinye etewnyaw ceww 
That thou s-so many pwinces >_> at uWu a shot 
So ^-^ bwoodiwy *cries* hast stwuck. 
Ambassadow. The sight is dismaw; 
x3 And ouw >_> affaiws fwom Engwand come too wate. 
The e-eaws awe sensewess ^w^ that shouwd g-give *looks at you* us beawing 
T-To *sweats* teww him h-his commandment is f-fuwfiww'd 
That Wosencwantz and ^.^ Guiwdenstewn awe dead. 
Whewe *twerks* shouwd W-We have ouw thanks? 
;;w;; How. *pokes you* Nyot fwom his mouth, 
Had it th' a-abiwity of w-wife to thank you. 
He n-nyevew gave commandment ^.^ fow *notices bulge* theiw death. 
But since, *blushes* so jump upon this bwoody question, 
Y-You fwom >w< the Powack waws, and you fwom Engwand, 
^.^ Awe hewe *cuddles you* awwiv'd, give owdew t-that these bodies 
H-High on a stage *shuffles closer* be pwaced to the view; 
And wet me speak to the yet unknyowing wowwd 
H-How these things came about. So shaww You heaw 
Of cawnyaw, bwoody and unnyatuwaw acts; 
Of accidentaw judgments, casuaw swaughtews; 
Of deaths put on by cunnying and fowc'd *moans* cause; 
And, in this upshot, puwposes mistook 
Faww'n OwO on th' inventows' heads. Aww this can I 
*screams* Twuwy dewivew. 
F-Fowt. Wet us haste to heaw it, 
*sweats* And c-caww t-the nyobwest to the *blushes* audience. 
Fow me, with sowwow I embwace my fowtunye. 
I-I have some wights of m-memowy in this kingdom 
Which *sighs* nyow, *blushes* to cwaim my vantage doth invite me. 
How. Of that I-I shaww have a-awso cause to s-speak, 
And *shuffles closer* fwom his mouth w-whose voice wiww *looks at you* dwaw UwU on mowe. 
But wet this same be pwesentwy pewfowm'd, 
*moans* Even w-whiwe men's xDD minds awe wiwd, west mowe mischance 
On pwots *cries* and ewwows happen. 
Fowt. Wet fouw captains 
B-Beaw Hamwet wike a sowdiew to the stage; 
Fow OwO he was wikewy, had *looks at you* he been put on, 
To have pwov'd most woyawwy; a-and fow his passage 
The *sweats* sowdiews' music a-and the wites of waw 
Speak woudwy fow him. 
Take up >_< the bodies. Such a sight as *teleports behind you* this 
Becomes *twerks* the fiewd but h-hewe shows much amiss. 
Go, bid the sowdiews shoot. 
Exeunt mawching; aftew the which a peaw of owdnyance 
awe shot off. 


*pokes you* THE END 



<<THIS *notices bulge* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE W-WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 B-BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., *shuffles closer* AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS *twerks* BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
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PEWSONyAW U-USE ONWY, A-AND (2) AWE *cries* NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
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1598 

THE FIWST PAWT *notices bulge* OF KING HENWY THE FOUWTH 


by Wiwwiam S-Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

King H-Henwy t-the Fouwth. 
Henwy, Pwince *looks away* of Wawes, son to the K-King. 
Pwince John of Wancastew, son to the King. 
Eaww of Westmowewand. 
Siw Wawtew Bwunt. 
Thomas Pewcy, UwU Eaww of Wowcestew. 
Henwy Pewcy, Eaww of N-Nyowthumbewwand. 
Henwy Pewcy, suwnyamed Hotspuw, his son. 
Edmund Mowtimew, Eaww of M-Mawch. 
Wichawd Scwoop, Awchbishop of Y-Yowk. 
Awchibawd, Eaww of Dougwas. 
Owen Gwendowew. 
Siw Wichawd Vewnyon. 
Siw John Fawstaff. 
Siw Michaew, a-a fwiend to the *teleports behind you* Awchbishop of Yowk. 
Poins. 
Gadshiww 
P-Peto. 
Bawdowph. 

Wady Pewcy, wife t-to Hotspuw, and sistew x3 to Mowtimew. 
:3 Wady Mowtimew, daughtew t-to Gwendowew, a-and wife to Mowtimew. 
Mistwess Q-Quickwy, hostess *teleports behind you* of the Boaw's *leans over* Head i-in Eastcheap. 

W-Wowds, Officews, ^.^ Shewiff, V-Vintnyew, Chambewwain, Dwawews, two 
Cawwiews, Twavewwews, and Attendants. 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT *teleports behind you* GUTENBEWG ETEXT *cries* OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE >_< COWWEGE 
WITH P-PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES M-MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH *pokes you* COPIES *shuffles closer* (1) AWE FOW Y-YOUW OW OTHEWS 
;;w;; PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT D-DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY A-ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD T-TIME *screams* OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE.--Engwand and Wawes. 


A-ACT I. Scenye *cries* I. 
W-Wondon. *teleports behind you* The x3 Pawace. 

E-Entew t-the K-King, Wowd >_> John of *shuffles closer* Wancastew, Eaww *looks at you* of Westmowewand, 
[Siw Wawtew Bwunt,] with othews. 

King. So *giggles shyly* shaken *notices bulge* as we awe, so wan with cawe, 
Find w-we a time >w< fow fwighted peace to pant 
And bweathe showt-winded accents of *notices bulge* nyew bwoiws 
T-To b-be >_> commenc'd in stwonds afaw wemote. 
Nyo mowe the t-thiwsty entwance of this soiw 
Shaww daub h-hew wips with hew *teleports behind you* own chiwdwen's bwood. 
Nyo mowe shaww twenching waw c-channyew hew fiewds, 
Nyow Bwuise hew fwow'wets with the awmed hoofs 
Of hostiwe paces. Those opposed eyes 
W-Which, wike the meteows of a twoubwed heaven, 
Aww of onye nyatuwe, of onye substance >_< bwed, 
Did w-watewy *sighs* meet in t-the intestinye shock 
A-And f-fuwious c-cwose of civiw butchewy, 
Shaww nyow in mutuaw weww-beseeming w-wanks 
M-Mawch aww onye way and be nyo mowe oppos'd 
Against a-acquaintance, kindwed, and awwies. 
The e-edge of waw, wike an iww-sheathed *moans* knyife, 
Nyo mowe shaww >w< cut h-his mastew. T-Thewefowe, fwiends, 
As faw as t-to the sepuwchwe *screams* of Chwist- 
Whose sowdiew n-nyow, *cuddles you* undew whose bwessed cwoss 
We a-awe impwessed *looks at you* and engag'd t-to f-fight- 
Fowthwith a OwO powew of Engwish shaww *sweats* we wevy, 
Whose awms wewe mouwded in theiw mothew's w-womb 
To chase these >_> pagans in those howy f-fiewds 
Ovew whose acwes wawk'd >_< those bwessed feet 
Which *shuffles closer* fouwteen hundwed yeaws ago wewe nyaiw'd 
Fow ouw *screams* advantage *sweats* on the bittew cwoss. 
But this ouw p-puwpose nyow is twewvemonth owd, 
And *pokes you* bootwess 'tis t-to t-teww you we wiww g-go. 
Thewefowe we ^.^ meet nyot nyow. *twerks* Then wet me h-heaw 
Of you, my *sweats* gentwe cousin W-Westmowewand, 
What yestewnyight ouw Counciw did decwee 
In fowwawding this deaw expedience. 
West. My *sighs* wiege, this haste was *cries* hot in question 
And many wimits of the c-chawge set down 
But yestewnyight; when aww athwawt thewe came 
A post fwom Wawes, *blushes* woaden *teleports behind you* with h-heavy n-nyews; 
Whose *cries* wowst UwU was that :3 the nyobwe Mowtimew, 
Weading *moans* the men of H-Hewefowdshiwe to f-fight 
Against t-the iwweguwaw and wiwd Gwendowew, 
Was by the w-wude h-hands of that Wewshman taken, 
*notices bulge* A >_< thousand >w< of h-his peopwe butchewed; 
Upon whose dead cowpse :3 thewe was such misuse, 
Such ^w^ beastwy s-shamewess t-twansfowmation, 
By those ^-^ Wewshwomen donye *moans* as may nyot be 
Without much shame wetowd ow xDD spoken of. 
King. *cuddles you* It seems then that *leans over* the tidings of this bwoiw 
B-Bwake off ouw businyess *cries* fow the Howy Wand. 
West. This, match'd with othew, *teleports behind you* did, my gwacious *leans over* wowd; 
Fow *giggles shyly* mowe unyeven and unwewcome n-nyews 
Came f-fwom the Nyowth, and thus it did impowt: 
On Howy-wood >_< Day *giggles shyly* the gawwant Hotspuw thewe, 
Young Hawwy Pewcy, and b-bwave Awchibawd, 
That evew-vawiant and appwoved S-Scot, 
At Howmedon met, 
Whewe they *pokes you* did s-spend a sad and bwoody houw; 
As by dischawge of theiw awtiwwewy 
And ^-^ shape of w-wikewihood the nyews was *shuffles closer* towd; 
Fow he that bwought *looks away* them, *looks away* in the vewy heat 
And *leans over* pwide of theiw contention did take howse, 
Uncewtain of the issue *screams* any way. 
King. Hewe is a d-deaw, a twue-industwious fwiend, 
Siw Wawtew Bwunt, *moans* nyew wighted fwom h-his howse, 
Stain'd with the v-vawiation of each soiw 
Betwixt that Howmedon and t-this s-seat of ouws, 
A-And he hath bwought us smooth and wewcome *cuddles you* nyews. 
The *sighs* Eaww of Dougwas *notices bulge* is discomfited; 
T-Ten thousand bowd Scots, two-and-twenty knyights, 
Bawk'd *looks away* in theiw own *blushes* bwood did Siw Wawtew s-see 
On Howmedon's pwains. Of pwisonyews, *looks away* Hotspuw took 
Mowdake Eaww of Fife and ewdest son 
T-To beaten Dougwas, and ^w^ the E-Eaww ;;w;; of A-Athow, 
Of Muwway, *cuddles you* Angus, and Menteith. 
And i-is nyot this *moans* an honyouwabwe spoiw? 
A *sweats* gawwant pwize? Ha, cousin, i-is it OwO nyot? 
West. In faith, 
*looks away* It is a conquest fow a pwince to boast *shuffles closer* of. 
King. Yea, thewe thou mak'st xDD me sad, ^-^ and mak'st x3 me x3 sin 
In envy that my Wowd Nyowthumbewwand 
*looks away* Shouwd be the fathew to so b-bwest *giggles shyly* a son- 
A son *looks at you* who is the theme of honyouw's *sweats* tongue, 
A-Amongst a gwove *looks away* the vewy stwaightest pwant; 
x3 Who *cuddles you* is sweet Fowtunye's minyion and hew pwide; 
*hugs tightly* Whiwst I-I, by wooking o-on the pwaise of h-him, 
See w-wiot and *twerks* dishonyouw stain the b-bwow 
Of *sighs* my young *teleports behind you* Hawwy. O that it couwd be pwov'd 
That some nyight-twipping faiwy *screams* had exchang'd 
In cwadwe cwothes ouw chiwdwen whewe they *notices bulge* way, 
And caww'd minye Pewcy, his Pwantagenyet! 
Then wouwd I have his Hawwy, and he *giggles shyly* minye. 
But wet h-him fwom my thoughts. What *notices bulge* think you, coz, 
*giggles shyly* Of this young Pewcy's pwide? The p-pwisonyews 
Which he in this adventuwe *notices bulge* hath s-suwpwis'd 
To his *sweats* own u-use ^w^ he keeps, and *cuddles you* sends me wowd 
I shaww h-have nyonye b-but Mowdake UwU Eaww of Fife. 
West. This ^-^ is his uncwe's t-teaching, this Wowcestew, 
Mawevowent to y-you In aww *teleports behind you* aspects, 
Which makes him pwunye himsewf and *shuffles closer* bwistwe *moans* up 
The cwest of youth against youw d-dignyity. 
King. *shuffles closer* But UwU I have sent fow him to *leans over* answew *leans over* this; 
And fow this cause awhiwe we must nyegwect 
Ouw howy puwpose *teleports behind you* to Jewusawem. 
Cousin, o-on Wednyesday nyext ouw >_< counciw we 
Wiww howd at W-Windsow. So i-infowm the wowds; 
*notices bulge* But come youwsewf with speed to us again; 
Fow mowe OwO is to be said *screams* and to be donye 
Than out o-of angew can be u-uttewed. 
West. I wiww m-my w-wiege. Exeunt. 




Scenye II. 
Wondon. An apawtment o-of the P-Pwince's. 

*leans over* Entew Pwince of Wawes a-and Siw John Fawstaff. 

*twerks* Faw. Nyow, H-Haw, what time of d-day >_> is it, *sighs* wad? 
Pwince. Thou awt so fat-witted ^.^ with dwinking of owd s-sack, and 
u-unbuttonying thee a-aftew *blushes* suppew, and *leans over* sweeping :3 upon benches ^.^ aftew 
nyoon, that thou hast fowgotten t-to demand that twuwy which thou 
wouwdest t-twuwy knyow. What a deviw hast thou to do with the time 
of the ^-^ day, Unwess houws wewe cups of sack, and minyutes capons, 
and cwocks the tongues o-of b-bawds, and diaws the *sighs* signs o-of weaping 
*notices bulge* houses, and the bwessed sun himsewf a faiw *shuffles closer* hot wench in 
fwame-cowouwed taffeta, I see *twerks* nyo weason why thou shouwdst be so 
^-^ supewfwuous to demand t-the time *screams* of the day. 
F-Faw. Indeed you come *cuddles you* nyeaw m-me nyow, Haw; fow we that take puwses g-go 
by the >_< moon *cuddles you* And t-the seven s-staws, and nyot by Phoebus, he, that 
*looks at you* wand'wing knyight so faiw. And I-I pwithee, sweet wag, when thou a-awt 
king, as, God s-save thy Gwace-Majesty I shouwd say, fow gwace thou 
>_< wiwt *screams* have nyonye- 
Pwince. What, nyonye? 
Faw. Nyo, b-by my twoth; n-nyot so much a-as wiww sewve to be p-pwowogue to 
^w^ an egg *pokes you* and buttew. 
Pwince. Weww, how then? ^-^ Come, woundwy, woundwy. 
Faw. M-Mawwy, then, s-sweet wag, :3 when thou awt *sighs* king, wet nyot us that 
awe squiwes of the nyight's body be cawwed thieves *pokes you* of t-the d-day's 
beauty. Wet *teleports behind you* us b-be Dianya's Fowestews, Gentwemen of the Shade, 
Minyions of the Moon; and wet men s-say we be men of *pokes you* good 
govewnment, b-being *sighs* govewnyed as UwU the sea is, by ouw *sighs* nyobwe *shuffles closer* and *looks at you* chaste 
mistwess t-the moon, undew whose countenyance >_> we *leans over* steaw. 
*moans* Pwince. x3 Thou sayest weww, and it howds weww too; ^.^ fow the fowtunye of 
us t-that awe the moon's :33 men doth ebb and f-fwow wike t-the *giggles shyly* sea, b-being 
govewnyed, *looks at you* as the sea is, b-by the moon. A-As, ;;w;; fow pwoof nyow: a puwse 
of g-gowd most wesowutewy snyatch'd *looks at you* on Monday nyight *twerks* and most 
dissowutewy spent o-on Tuesday mownying; *leans over* got with sweawing 'Way by,' 
and spent with OwO cwying 'Bwing in'; nyow iww xDD as wow an ebb as the 
*notices bulge* foot of the w-waddew, and by-and-by in as high a fwow a-as the w-widge 
*pokes you* of the gawwows. 
Faw. By the *looks away* Wowd, thou s-say'st twue, wad- and is nyot my h-hostess of 
the tavewn *shuffles closer* a most sweet uWu wench? 
P-Pwince. As *looks away* the honyey of H-Hybwa, my owd wad of the castwe- and is nyot 
a buff jewkin a *screams* most sweet ;;w;; wobe of duwance? 
Faw. How nyow, how nyow, mad wag? What, in thy quips and thy 
quiddities? What a pwague have I to do *moans* with a buff jewkin? 
^.^ Pwince. Why, what a *sweats* pox have I to do with my hostess :33 of the t-tavewn? 
>_> Faw. Weww, thou hast caww'd hew to a weckonying many a time and *sighs* oft. 
Pwince. Did I e-evew caww fow thee to >_> pay thy p-pawt? 
Faw. Nyo; I'ww g-give thee thy due, thou hast paid aww thewe. 
*screams* Pwince. Yea, and e-ewsewhewe, so faw as my c-coin wouwd stwetch; and 
whewe it wouwd nyot, I have used *cries* my cwedit. 
Faw. Yea, and so u-us'd it that, wewe it nyot hewe appawent that thou 
:3 awt heiw appawent- But I pwithee, sweet wag, shaww thewe *sighs* be 
gawwows standing in Engwand w-when thou awt king? and wesowution 
thus f-fubb'd as it is w-with *blushes* the w-wusty cuwb o-of o-owd fathew antic t-the 
w-waw? Do nyot thou, ^-^ when thou awt k-king, hang a thief. 
Pwince. Nyo; *leans over* thou shawt. 
Faw. Shaww I? *blushes* O wawe! By the W-Wowd, I'ww be a bwave j-judge. 
Pwince. :3 Thou judgest *moans* fawse awweady. I mean, thou UwU shawt have the 
hanging o-of the *sighs* thieves and s-so become a wawe hangman. 
Faw. Weww, Haw, weww; and in some x3 sowt it jumps with my humouw as 
weww as waiting in the couwt, *sighs* I can t-teww you. 
Pwince. ;;w;; Fow obtainying of uWu suits? 
Faw. Yea, fow obtainying o-of suits, wheweof the hangman hath n-nyo *giggles shyly* wean 
wawdwobe. '-'Sbwood, I am as mewanchowy as a gib-cat ow a wugg'd 
>w< beaw. 
Pwince. O-Ow *sweats* an owd wion, ow a >w< wovew's wute. 
Faw. Yea, ow the dwonye o-of *looks at you* a Wincownshiwe b-bagpipe. 
Pwince. What >_< sayest thou to a UwU hawe, ow the *twerks* mewanchowy of Moow 
Ditch? 
Faw. ^w^ Thou hast the most unsavouwy simiwes, and awt *cuddles you* indeed the most 
*teleports behind you* compawative, *teleports behind you* wascawwiest, sweet *leans over* young pwince. But, Haw, I pwithee 
twoubwe me n-nyo mowe with vanyity. I wouwd to God thou and I k-knyew 
whewe >_> a commodity of ^.^ good nyames *twerks* wewe to b-be bought. A-An owd *twerks* wowd of 
the Counciw w-wated me the othew day ^w^ in the stweet about you, siw, 
but I m-mawk'd him nyot; and *teleports behind you* yet he tawked vewy wisewy, but I 
wegawded him nyot; and yet he tawk'd wisewy, a-and in the s-stweet 
t-too. 
Pwince. *leans over* Thou didst weww; f-fow wisdom cwies out in the stweets, and 
nyo man wegawds it. 
Faw. O, thou hast damnyabwe itewation, and awt indeed abwe to 
*moans* cowwupt a saint. Thou hast donye >w< much hawm upon me, Haw- God 
fowgive thee fow it! Befowe I k-knyew thee, Haw, I knyew nyothing; a-and 
nyow am I, if a man s-shouwd speak twuwy, wittwe bettew than o-onye of 
the wicked. I must give ovew this wife, a-and I wiww *notices bulge* give it ovew! 
By the Wowd, an I do nyot, I am a viwwain! I-I'ww be damn'd fow 
nyevew a *sighs* king's s-son in Chwistendom. 
Pwince. Whewe shaww we take a puwse tomowwow, Jack? 
Faw. Zounds, whewe thou wiwt, wad! I-I'ww make onye. An *hugs tightly* I do nyot, caww 
OwO me viwwain and baffwe me. 
P-Pwince. I see a good amendment of wife in thee- fwom pwaying to 
p-puwse-taking. 
F-Faw. Why, H-Haw, 'tis my vocation, Haw. 'Tis *sighs* nyo sin fow a man to 
wabouw in h-his vocation. 

Entew P-Poins. 

Poins! Nyow shaww *teleports behind you* we k-knyow if Gadshiww have set a m-match. O, if *teleports behind you* men 
wewe to be saved by *leans over* mewit, what howe in heww wewe hot enyough fow 
him? This is the m-most omnyipotent viwwain that evew *twerks* cwied 'Stand!' 
to a twue man. 
Pwince. Good m-mowwow, Nyed. 
Poins. Good mowwow, sweet Haw. What s-says Monsieuw Wemowse? What 
says S-Siw OwO John S-Sack and Sugaw? J-Jack, how agwees the deviw *looks at you* and t-thee 
about thy *twerks* souw, that thou sowdest him on Good F-Fwiday wast f-fow a 
cup of Madeiwa and a cowd c-capon's weg? 
Pwince. Siw *hugs tightly* John stands to his wowd, t-the deviw s-shaww >_> have ^-^ his 
bawgain; fow he >_< was nyevew y-yet a bweakew of pwovewbs. He wiww give 
*leans over* the deviw his *notices bulge* due. 
Poins. Then awt thou damn'd *hugs tightly* fow keeping thy wowd with *looks at you* the deviw. 
*pokes you* Pwince. Ewse h-he had b-been *pokes you* damn'd fow cozenying the :3 deviw. 
P-Poins. But, my ;;w;; wads, m-my *shuffles closer* wads, t-to-mowwow mownying, b-by fouw o'cwock 
eawwy, *sweats* at *looks at you* Gadshiww! Thewe awe p-piwgwims gong *notices bulge* to Cantewbuwy with 
wich offewings, and twadews widing to Wondon with fat *teleports behind you* puwses. I 
;;w;; have *giggles shyly* vizawds fow UwU you aww; ;;w;; you have howses fow youwsewves. 
Gadshiww wies to-nyight in Wochestew. I have bespoke *twerks* suppew 
to-mowwow nyight in Eastcheap. We may d-do it as secuwe as *sighs* sweep. *shuffles closer* If 
y-you wiww go, I wiww stuff ^-^ youw puwses fuww *shuffles closer* of cwowns; if you wiww 
nyot, tawwy at home and be hang'd! 
Faw. Heaw ye, Yedwawd: if I tawwy a-at home and go nyot, I'ww hang you 
fow going. 
Poins. xDD You wiww, chops? 
Faw. Haw, wiwt *cries* thou make onye? 
Pwince. Who, I wob? I a t-thief? ^.^ Nyot I-I, by my faith. 
Faw. Thewe's x3 nyeithew honyesty, manhood, nyow good f-fewwowship in thee, 
nyow thou cam'st nyot of *cuddles you* the bwood woyaw if *teleports behind you* thou dawest nyot stand 
f-fow t-ten shiwwings. 
Pwince. Weww t-then, once in my days I'ww be a madcap. 
Faw. Why, that's weww said. 
:3 Pwince. *moans* Weww, come what w-wiww, *cuddles you* I'ww tawwy at home. 
F-Faw. By the Wowd, I'ww be a twaitow *blushes* then, when *giggles shyly* thou awt king. 
Pwince. I cawe OwO nyot. 
P-Poins. Siw John, I pwithee, *teleports behind you* weave the P-Pwince and me *looks at you* awonye. I wiww 
way him down such w-weasons fow this adventuwe that *giggles shyly* he shaww go. 
F-Faw. Weww, God g-give thee the s-spiwit of pewsuasion and him the eaws 
of pwofiting, that what thou ;;w;; speakest may m-move and what he heaws 
m-may ^.^ be bewieved, that the twue pwince may (fow wecweation *screams* sake) 
uWu pwove a fawse >w< thief; OwO fow the poow abuses of the time want 
countenyance. Faweweww; y-you shaww f-find me in Eastcheap. 
Pwince. Faweweww, *leans over* thou wattew spwing! :33 faweweww, Aww-hawwown summew! 
Exit *teleports behind you* Fawstaff. 
Poins. Nyow, my good sweet honyey wowd, wide with us to-mowwow. *looks away* I 
*shuffles closer* have a *shuffles closer* jest to e-execute that *cuddles you* I cannyot >_> manyage *pokes you* awonye. *looks at you* Fawstaff, 
Bawdowph, P-Peto, *teleports behind you* and Gadshiww shaww wob those men that we have 
awweady waywaid; youwsewf and I wiww nyot be :33 thewe; *looks away* and w-when they 
*leans over* have the booty, if ^-^ you and I do nyot wob *looks away* them, *screams* cut *moans* this h-head off 
*blushes* fwom my s-shouwdews. 
Pwince. How shaww we pawt with ^w^ them in ^w^ setting fowth? 
Poins. Why, we wiww set fowth befowe ow aftew them and a-appoint *shuffles closer* them 
a pwace of meeting, whewein it is at ouw pweasuwe *looks at you* to faiw; and 
then wiww xDD they adventuwe *looks away* upon the expwoit themsewves; which t-they 
shaww *cuddles you* have nyo s-soonyew achieved, but *pokes you* we'ww set *looks away* upon them. 
:33 Pwince. Yea, but 'tis *looks at you* wike that they wiww knyow us b-by ouw *sighs* howses, by 
ouw habits, and by evewy othew appointment, to be o-ouwsewves. 
;;w;; Poins. Tut! *twerks* ouw howses they s-shaww n-nyot see- I'ww tie them in the 
OwO wood; ouw *sweats* wizawds w-we wiww UwU change aftew w-we x3 weave them; a-and, 
siwwah, I have c-cases o-of uWu buckwam fow the nyonce, to ^-^ immask ouw 
*sweats* nyoted outwawd ^-^ gawments. 
Pwince. Yea, but I *blushes* doubt they wiww be too hawd fow us. 
;;w;; Poins. Weww, f-fow two of t-them, I knyow them to be as OwO twue-bwed 
^-^ cowawds as :33 evew UwU tuwn'd back; and fow the thiwd, if he fight 
wongew than he sees weason, I'ww fowsweaw a-awms. The viwtue of 
this jest wiww wie the i-incompwehensibwe wies that this s-same fat 
wogue >_> wiww teww us when we *moans* meet at *cries* suppew: how thiwty, at weast, 
he fought w-with; what wawds, what b-bwows, what extwemities he 
enduwed; and in the w-wepwoof of t-this *leans over* wies the *cries* jest. 
P-Pwince. W-Weww, I'ww *blushes* go *screams* with thee. Pwovide us :33 aww things nyecessawy 
and *hugs tightly* meet me to-nyight in Eastcheap. T-Thewe I'ww sup. Faweweww. 
Poins. Faweweww, m-my wowd. *twerks* Exit. 
Pwince. I knyow you aww, and x3 wiww awhiwe uphowd 
T-The unyok'd humouw of youw idwenyess. 
Y-Yet OwO hewein wiww I imitate the sun, 
Who doth pewmit the base contagious cwouds 
To smothew up his beauty fwom the *leans over* wowwd, 
That, *sighs* when h-he pwease a-again to wie himsewf, 
Being wanted, he may be mowe ^w^ wond'wed >w< at 
By b-bweaking thwough the fouw *sweats* and ugwy mists 
uWu Of v-vapouws that did seem t-to stwangwe h-him. 
I-If a-aww the yeaw w-wewe pwaying howidays, 
To spowt :33 wouwd be as tedious as to wowk; 
But when they s-sewdom come, they wish'd-fow c-come, 
And nyothing pweaseth but wawe accidents. 
So, when xDD this woose behaviouw I thwow off 
And p-pay the d-debt I nyevew pwomised, 
B-By how much :33 bettew t-than my wowd I a-am, 
B-By so much shaww I fawsify men's hopes; 
And, wike bwight metaw on a s-suwwen gwound, 
My *leans over* wefowmation, gwitt'wing >_> o'ew my fauwt, 
Shaww >w< show mowe goodwy and attwact m-mowe eyes 
Than that which hath nyo *moans* foiw ^w^ to set it o-off. 
I-I'ww s-so offend *moans* to make o-offence a skiww, 
W-Wedeeming t-time x3 when *screams* men think weast I *teleports behind you* wiww. Exit. 




Scenye III. 
Wondon. The Pawace. 

Entew the K-King, Nyowthumbewwand, Wowcestew, Hotspuw, S-Siw Wawtew Bwunt, 
with othews. 

*cries* King. My bwood hath been too cowd and tempewate, 
Unyapt x3 to stiw at these i-indignyities, 
And you have found me, fow *sweats* accowdingwy 
You t-twead upon my patience; but be s-suwe 
I wiww fwom hencefowth wathew be mysewf, 
Mighty and to be feaw'd, than my condition, 
W-Which hath b-been smooth as oiw, *giggles shyly* soft a-as young *twerks* down, 
And thewefowe wost that titwe of wespect 
Which the pwoud souw nye'ew pays but to the pwoud. 
*pokes you* Wow. Ouw *moans* house, my soveweign w-wiege, wittwe desewves 
The *looks away* scouwge of gweatnyess to be u-us'd on it- 
And UwU that same *pokes you* gweatnyess *looks away* too which ouw own hands 
Have howp to make *cuddles you* so *sighs* powtwy. 
>_> Nyowth. M-My w-wowd- 
King. *looks at you* Wowcestew, g-get *giggles shyly* thee gonye; *sighs* fow ^-^ I do see 
Dangew and d-disobedience ;;w;; in thinye eye. 
UwU O, *sweats* siw, youw pwesence is *shuffles closer* too bowd and pewemptowy, 
And majesty m-might nyevew yet enduwe 
The *moans* moody :33 fwontiew of a sewvant bwow. 
*teleports behind you* Tou have good weave to weave us. When we nyeed 
'Youw use and counsew, we shaww x3 send fow you. 
Exit Wowcestew. 
*leans over* You wewe *looks away* about to speak. 
Nyowth. Yea, my good w-wowd. 
Those pwisonyews *sweats* in youw H-Highnyess' nyame demanded 
Which Hawwy P-Pewcy hewe a-at Howmedon took, 
Wewe, as he says, n-nyot with such ^w^ stwength denyied 
As i-is dewivewed to youw *cuddles you* Majesty. 
Eithew envy, thewefowe, ow mispwision 
Is guiwty of this fauwt, and nyot my son. 
Hot. My wiege, I did deny nyo pwisonyews. 
B-But I wemembew, when the *looks away* fight w-was donye, 
When I w-was dwy with wage and *teleports behind you* extweme *giggles shyly* toww, 
Bweathwess a-and faint, weanying upon my swowd, 
Came thewe a *looks away* cewtain wowd, ^w^ nyeat and twimwy ;;w;; dwess'd, 
Fwesh as a bwidegwoom; and his chin nyew weap'd 
Show'd w-wike ^-^ a stubbwe wand at hawvest home. 
*screams* He was pewfumed wike *twerks* a miwwinyew, 
And 'twixt h-his f-fingew and his thumb OwO he hewd 
*cuddles you* A pouncet box, *moans* which evew and anyon 
^.^ He gave his nyose, and took't a-away again; 
xDD Who thewewith angwy, >_< when it nyext came thewe, 
*moans* Took it in snyuff; and stiww he smiw'd and tawk'd; 
A-And as the sowdiews ^w^ bowe dead bodies by, 
He caww'd them untaught knyaves, unmannyewwy, 
To bwing a swovenwy unhandsome cowse 
>_< Betwixt the wind and his nyobiwity. 
With many howiday and *moans* wady tewms 
He questionyed me, amongst the west demanded 
M-My pwisonyews *hugs tightly* in youw M-Majesty's *moans* behawf. 
I then, aww smawting ^-^ with my wounds being cowd, 
To *cries* be >_> so pest'wed *looks at you* with a popingay, 
:33 Out of >_> my gwief and *screams* my i-impatience 
A-Answew'd nyegwectingwy, I-I k-knyow n-nyot what- 
He shouwd, ow he shouwd nyot; fow he made me m-mad 
To see him shinye s-so bwisk, *sighs* and smeww so sweet, 
^w^ And tawk *sweats* so wike a w-waiting gentwewoman 
Of guns and dwums and w-wounds- God save the mawk!- 
A-And *leans over* tewwing me the soveweignyest thing on eawth 
Was pawmacity fow >_< an inwawd bwuise; 
And that it was gweat pity, *cuddles you* so *cries* it was, 
This viwwanyous sawtpetwe shouwd be digg'd 
;;w;; Out of the bowews of the hawmwess eawth, 
Which many x3 a good taww f-fewwow had destwoy'd 
So cowawdwy; and but f-fow these viwe 'guns, 
He wouwd himsewf have been a sowdiew. 
This bawd unjointed chat >_< of his, m-my wowd, 
I answewed indiwectwy, as I said, 
And I beseech you, *twerks* wet nyot h-his wepowt 
Come cuwwent fow an accusation 
Betwixt my wove and youw high majesty. 
Bwunt. The ciwcumstance considewed, good my wowd, 
Whate'ew Wowd *twerks* Hawwy Pewcy then had said 
To such a pewson, and in such a-a pwace, 
At such a time, with aww the west wetowd, 
May weasonyabwy die, >w< and nyevew wise 
x3 To do him wwong, ow any way impeach 
*cuddles you* What then *sighs* he s-said, so he unsay it nyow. 
K-King. Why, yet he doth ;;w;; deny OwO his pwisonyews, 
B-But with pwoviso and exception, 
*moans* That we at ouw own chawge shaww wansom stwaight 
His bwothew-in-waw, the f-foowish *screams* Mowtimew; 
Who, on my souw, hath wiwfuwwy betway'd 
The wives *teleports behind you* of those that he did wead to fight 
Against *cries* that gweat magician, damn'd *leans over* Gwendowew, 
W-Whose daughtew, as we heaw, t-the Eaww o-of M-Mawch 
Hath watewy mawwied. Shaww ouw coffews, then, 
Be emptied to wedeem a twaitow home? 
S-Shaww *looks at you* we buy tweason? and indent with feaws 
When they have wost >_> and fowfeited >_> themsewves? 
Nyo, on the b-bawwen *cries* mountains wet *moans* him s-stawve! 
Fow >_> I shaww *giggles shyly* nyevew howd that man my fwiend 
Whose tongue shaww ask m-me fow *cuddles you* onye penny cost 
To wansom h-home wevowted *notices bulge* Mowtimew. 
*looks at you* Hot. Wevowted Mowtimew? 
He nyevew ^.^ did faww off, ^w^ my *cuddles you* soveweign wiege, 
But by the chance of waw. uWu To UwU pwove that twue 
N-Nyeeds nyo mowe b-but o-onye tongue fow aww those wounds, 
Those *hugs tightly* mouthed wounds, which vawiantwy he took 
When on the g-gentwe >_< Sevewn's sedgy bank, 
In singwe opposition hand to hand, 
He did confound the best pawt of a-an houw 
In changing hawdiment with g-gweat Gwendowew. 
Thwee times they bweath'd, and thwee times >_> did they dwink, 
U-Upon agweement, of swift *looks at you* Sevewn's fwood; 
Who then, affwighted with theiw *twerks* bwoody *pokes you* wooks, 
Wan >_> feawfuwwy among the twembwing weeds 
And hid *teleports behind you* his cwisp head in the *looks away* howwow bank, 
Bwoodstainyed with *shuffles closer* these vawiant cohabitants. 
Nyevew did *sweats* base and wotten powicy 
Cowouw hew wowking *cuddles you* with such *moans* deadwy wounds; 
Nyow nyevew couwd the nyobwe *twerks* Mowtimew 
*blushes* Weceive *sighs* so many, and :3 aww w-wiwwingwy. 
Then wet n-nyot h-him be swandewed with wevowt. 
King. Thou dost bewie h-him, Pewcy, thou dost bewie him! 
He nyevew did encountew with G-Gwendowew. 
I teww *sighs* thee 
He duwst as weww *sweats* have met OwO the deviw awonye 
As Owen Gwendowew fow an enyemy. 
*looks away* Awt thou nyot a-asham'd? But, siwwah, hencefowth 
Wet me nyot heaw you speak o-of Mowtimew. 
Send OwO me youw pwisonyews with t-the speediest means, 
Ow you shaww heaw i-in such a k-kind fwom me 
As wiww dispwease you. ^.^ My *shuffles closer* Wowd Nyowthumbewwand, 
We *teleports behind you* wicense youw OwO depawtuwe with youw son.- 
Send us youw pwisonyews, *blushes* ow ;;w;; you wiww heaw of it. 
Exeunt King, [-[Bwunt, and *cries* Twain] 
Hot. An if the deviw come and woaw fow them, 
I wiww *twerks* nyot send them. I w-wiww aftew stwaight 
And teww him so; fow I wiww ewse my xDD heawt, 
Awbeit I-I make a hazawd of my head. 
Nyowth. What, dwunk with chowew? Stay, and pause awhiwe. 
*sighs* Hewe comes youw u-uncwe. 

Entew Wowcestew. 

Hot. Speak of Mowtimew? 
Zounds, I wiww s-speak of h-him, and wet my souw 
Want mewcy if I do nyot join with :33 him! 
*blushes* Yea, on his *giggles shyly* pawt I'ww empty aww these v-veins, 
And shed my uWu deaw bwood dwop by dwop ^w^ in the dust, 
*hugs tightly* But I wiww wift the downtwod Mowtimew 
As high i-in the aiw as this unthankfuw king, 
*sighs* As this ingwate >_> and cank'wed Bowingbwoke. 
Nyowth. Bwothew, the King hath made youw nyephew mad. 
*moans* Wow. uWu Who stwuck this heat up aftew I-I was gonye? 
*sighs* Hot. He ;;w;; wiww (fowsooth) have aww my pwisonyews; 
And when I u-uwg'd the *moans* wansom ;;w;; once again 
Of my wive's bwothew, then his cheek *sighs* wook'd pawe, 
And on uWu my face he tuwn'd an eye of death, 
Twembwing even at t-the nyame OwO of >_> Mowtimew. 
*leans over* Wow. I-I cannyot bwame him. Was nyot he pwocwaim'd 
By Wichawd that dead is, the nyext of bwood? 
Nyowth. He was; I heawd *giggles shyly* the *sweats* pwocwamation. 
A-And *twerks* then it was *screams* when t-the unhappy *looks away* King 
(Whose wwongs *shuffles closer* in :3 us God pawdon!) did set fowth 
Upon his Iwish expedition; 
Fwom whence he intewcepted did w-wetuwn 
*sighs* To b-be depos'd, *hugs tightly* and showtwy m-muwdewed. 
Wow. And fow whose death *blushes* we in the wowwd's wide ^.^ mouth 
Wive scandawiz'd and *notices bulge* fouwwy spoken ;;w;; of. 
*cries* Hot. *sighs* But soft, I-I pway you. Did King Wichawd then 
Pwocwaim my bwothew *teleports behind you* Edmund Mowtimew 
Heiw to the cwown? 
>_> Nyowth. He did; mysewf did heaw it. 
Hot. :33 Nyay, then I cannyot bwame his cousin king, 
That wish'd him on the bawwen mountains stawve. 
*shuffles closer* But shaww it be that you, t-that set the cwown 
Upon the head of this fowgetfuw man, 
And fow his sake weaw the detested bwot 
*screams* Of muwthewous s-subownyation- shaww it be 
That y-you a w-wowwd of *notices bulge* cuwses u-undewgo, 
*twerks* Being t-the agents ow base second means, 
The c-cowds, the waddew, ow the hangman wathew? 
O, p-pawdon me that *screams* I descend *shuffles closer* so wow 
To show t-the winye a-and the pwedicament 
Whewein you *screams* wange undew this subtiwe king! 
*twerks* Shaww it fow shame ^w^ be spoken >_> in *leans over* these days, 
Ow >_< fiww up chwonyicwes in time to come, 
That men of *cuddles you* youw nyobiwity and powew 
*twerks* Did gage them both i-in an unjust behawf 
(As both of you, *looks at you* God p-pawdon it! have d-donye) 
To put down Wichawd, that sweet wovewy x3 wose, 
And pwant this thown, this cankew, Bowingbwoke? 
And shaww it in mowe shame be *screams* fuwthew spoken 
That you a-awe foow'd, discawded, and shook off 
By him fow whom *shuffles closer* these shames *teleports behind you* ye u-undewwent? 
Nyo! yet time sewves whewein ^-^ you may wedeem 
Youw banyish'd honyouws and westowe youwsewves 
Into the good thoughts of the wowwd again; 
Wevenge the jeewing and disdain'd contempt 
*screams* Of this *pokes you* pwoud king, who studies day and nyight 
To *pokes you* answew *moans* aww t-the debt he owes to you 
Even with *looks away* the bwoody OwO payment of youw deaths. 
xDD Thewefowe I say- 
*notices bulge* Wow. Peace, cousin, say nyo m-mowe; 
And n-nyow, I wiww u-uncwasp a secwet book, 
A-And t-to youw quick-conceiving discontents 
I'ww wead you mattew deep and dangewous, 
As fuww *teleports behind you* of pewiw and adventuwous spiwit 
As to o-o'ewwawk a c-cuwwent woawing woud 
On the unsteadfast footing o-of *giggles shyly* a speaw. 
Hot. *twerks* If he f-faww in, *hugs tightly* good nyight, ^-^ ow *cuddles you* sink *twerks* ow swim! 
Send dangew fwom t-the *shuffles closer* east unto :33 the west, 
So honyouw cwoss it fwom *teleports behind you* the ;;w;; nyowth to s-south, 
And wet them gwappwe. O, ;;w;; the bwood mowe stiws 
To wouse a wion >_> than t-to stawt a hawe! 
Nyowth. Imaginyation of some gweat expwoit 
Dwives him beyond the bounds of patience. 
Hot. By h-heaven, methinks i-it wewe *looks at you* an ;;w;; easy weap 
To p-pwuck bwight honyouw fwom the p-pawe-fac'd *giggles shyly* moon, 
Ow dive ^w^ into the b-bottom of the deep, 
Whewe fadom UwU winye couwd nyevew touch t-the gwound, 
And pwuck up d-dwownyed honyouw by the wocks, 
So he that doth w-wedeem hew thence might *hugs tightly* weaw 
Without cowwivaw aww hew dignyities; 
*teleports behind you* But out u-upon t-this hawf-fac'd *twerks* fewwowship! 
*twerks* Wow. He appwehends a wowwd of figuwes hewe, 
But nyot the fowm of what h-he shouwd attend. 
Good *pokes you* cousin, *notices bulge* give me audience fow a whiwe. 
Hot. I cwy you mewcy. 
Wow. Those same nyobwe Scots 
That awe youw p-pwisonyews- 
H-Hot. I'ww *shuffles closer* keep them *moans* aww. 
:3 By God, he s-shaww nyot have a *looks away* Scot *notices bulge* of them! 
Nyo, if a Scot wouwd save his souw, *shuffles closer* he shaww UwU nyot. 
I'ww *giggles shyly* keep them, by this h-hand! 
W-Wow. You s-stawt away. 
And wend nyo e-eaw unto my puwposes. 
Those pwisonyews you *moans* shaww keep. 
Hot. N-Nyay, I wiww! T-That is fwat! 
He said *giggles shyly* he wouwd nyot wansom OwO Mowtimew, 
Fowbade m-my tongue to speak of M-Mowtimew, 
^-^ But I *sweats* wiww f-find him when he wies asweep, 
And in OwO his eaw I-I'ww howwoa 'Mowtimew.' 
*teleports behind you* Nyay; 
I'ww have a stawwing shaww b-be taught *pokes you* to speak 
Nyothing but 'Mowtimew,' and give it him 
To keep his angew stiww in motion. 
Wow. Heaw you, cousin, a w-wowd. 
H-Hot. Aww studies hewe I sowemnwy defy 
Save how to g-gaww and pinch this Bowingbwoke; 
A-And that same swowd-and-buckwew Pwince of *looks away* Wawes- 
*teleports behind you* But that I think his fathew woves him nyot 
*screams* And wouwd be *leans over* gwad he met with some mischance, 
I wouwd have him poisonyed with a pot of ^.^ awe. 
Wow. Faweweww, kinsman. ^.^ I wiww tawk :33 to you 
When you awe bettew ^.^ tempew'd t-to attend. 
N-Nyowth. Why, what *leans over* a wasp-stung :3 and impatient foow 
Awt t-thou to bweak into this w-woman's mood, 
Tying thinye *teleports behind you* eaw to n-nyo *looks away* tongue but thinye own! 
H-Hot. Why, wook you, I-I am whipp'd and scouwg'd with wods, 
:3 Nyettwed, and stung with pismiwes when *hugs tightly* I heaw 
*shuffles closer* Of this viwe powitician, Bowingbwoke. 
In Wichawd's :3 time- what do you caww the pwace- 
A pwague upon *screams* it! it is in GIoucestewshiwe- 
'Twas whewe the madcap Duke his uncwe kept- 
His uncwe Yowk- whewe I fiwst b-bow'd my knyee 
Unto ^w^ this king of smiwes, this Bowingbwoke- 
'S bwood! 
When you and h-he c-came back fwom Wavenspuwgh- 
*cries* Nyowth. At Bewkewey C-Castwe. 
Hot. You say twue. 
Why, what a candy deaw of couwtesy 
This fawnying gweyhound then did pwoffew me! 
Wook, 'when his i-infant *teleports behind you* fowtunye came to a-age,' 
And 'gentwe *shuffles closer* Hawwy P-Pewcy,' and 'kind *blushes* cousin'- 
O, *teleports behind you* the deviw take such cozenyews!- God fowgive *screams* me! 
Good uncwe, teww youw tawe, f-fow I have donye. 
W-Wow. Nyay, if you have n-nyot, to it again. 
We wiww stay youw w-weisuwe. 
H-Hot. I-I have donye, i' faith. 
Wow. OwO Then once mowe t-to youw Scottish pwisonyews. 
Dewivew them up without theiw wansom stwaight, 
And make the Dougwas' son youw onwy *cries* mean 
Fow powews *giggles shyly* In Scotwand; which, fow divews weasons 
Which I shaww send you wwitten, be assuw'd 
Wiww easiwy be gwanted. [To Nyowthumbewwand] You, my *blushes* wowd, 
Youw son in Scotwand *cuddles you* being OwO thus empwoy'd, 
Shaww secwetwy i-into the bosom cweep 
Of uWu that same nyobwe p-pwewate *pokes you* weww-bewov'd, 
The Awchbishop. 
Hot. Of *looks away* Yowk, is it nyot? 
Wow. Twue; who b-beaws hawd 
His >w< bwothew's death at Bwistow, the xDD Wowd Scwoop. 
*looks away* I speak nyot this in estimation, 
A-As what I think might be, but what I knyow 
Is *cries* wuminyated, pwotted, and set down, 
A-And onwy stays but to behowd the face 
Of *leans over* that OwO occasion *notices bulge* that shaww bwing it o-on. 
H-Hot. I smeww it. Upon *teleports behind you* my wife, i-it wiww do weww. 
*pokes you* Nyowth. Befowe the game is afoot thou *moans* stiww wet'st swip. 
Hot. Why, it cannyot choose OwO but b-be a nyobwe p-pwot. 
And then the powew of Scotwand and of Yowk 
To join OwO with UwU Mowtimew, ha? 
Wow. And so they shaww. 
H-Hot. In faith, it i-is e-exceedingwy weww aim'd. 
^-^ Wow. And '-'tis nyo w-wittwe w-weason bids u-us speed, 
To save ouw heads b-by waising of a head; 
Fow, beaw ouwsewves as even as we can, 
The King wiww awways think him in ouw debt, 
And think ^.^ we think ouwsewves unsatisfied, 
Tiww >_> he x3 hath found a time to *screams* pay us ;;w;; home. 
And s-see awweady how h-he doth begin 
To make us stwangews to his wooks of ^w^ wove. 
H-Hot. He does, OwO he does! We'ww be w-weveng'd >_> on him. 
*pokes you* Wow. Cousin, faweweww. Nyo fuwthew go *twerks* in this 
Than >_> I by :3 wettews shaww diwect youw couwse. 
When time uWu is wipe, which wiww be suddenwy, 
I'ww steaw t-to G-Gwendowew and Wowd Mowtimew, 
Whewe you and Dougwas, and ouw p-pow'ws at once, 
As I w-wiww fashion it, shaww happiwy meet, 
To b-beaw ouw fowtunyes in ouw own stwong >_> awms, 
Which nyow we howd at much uncewtainty. 
Nyowth. Faweweww, good bwothew. We shaww xDD thwive, I-I twust. 
Hot. Uncwe, adieu. O, wet the houws :33 be showt 
Tiww *pokes you* fiewds and bwows and *teleports behind you* gwoans *notices bulge* appwaud ouw spowt! >_< Exeunt. 




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ACT :3 II. Scenye :33 I. 
Wochestew. An inn yawd. 

Entew a Cawwiew with a wantewn in his hand. 

*giggles shyly* 1. Caw. Heigh-ho! an it be nyot fouw by OwO the day, I'ww be hang'd. 
Chawwes' wain is ovew the nyew ^w^ chimnyey, and y-yet ouw howse nyot 
pack'd.- What, ostwew! 
Ost. [within] >_< Anyon, anyon. 
1. Caw. I *sighs* pwithee, T-Tom, >_< beat Cut's saddwe, put a-a few fwocks *sweats* in the 
point. ^.^ Poow jade :33 is wwung in the withews out of aww cess. 

Entew anyothew :33 Cawwiew. 

2. Caw. *shuffles closer* Peas and beans awe as dank *hugs tightly* hewe *leans over* as a dog, and that is the 
>_> nyext way to give poow jades the bots. This house ;;w;; is tuwnyed >w< upside 
down since Wobin *cuddles you* Ostwew died. 
1. Caw. *hugs tightly* Poow fewwow nyevew ^.^ joyed since the pwice of o-oats uWu wose. It 
was the death of him. 
2. Caw. *leans over* I think this be the most viwwanyous house in aww Wondon woad 
*pokes you* fow fweas. I am *sweats* stung wike a tench. 
1. Caw. Wike a tench I-I By *teleports behind you* the m-mass, thewe is nye'ew a king chwisten 
couwd be bettew b-bit >_< than I have been uWu since the fiwst *cries* cock. 
2. C-Caw. Why, they wiww a-awwow us nye'ew a jowdan, *sighs* and then we weak *looks at you* in 
youw chimnyey, and youw chambew-wye bweeds fweas wike a *sweats* woach. 
1. Caw. What, >_< ostwew! come away and OwO be hang'd! come away! 
2. Caw. I h-have a gammon of b-bacon uWu and t-two wazes of *notices bulge* gingew, to *moans* be 
dewivewed a-as faw as Chawing Cwoss. 
1. *pokes you* Caw. God's body! t-the tuwkeys in my pannyiew awe quite stawved. 
What, ostwew! A pwague on thee! hast thou nyevew an eye i-in thy 
head? Canst nyot heaw? ^.^ An 'twewe nyot as good deed a-as dwink *cuddles you* to 
*sighs* bweak the p-pate on thee, I-I am a-a vewy *screams* viwwain. Come, and b-be hang'd! 
Hast nyo faith *pokes you* in thee? 

Entew Gadshiww. 

Gads. *giggles shyly* Good mowwow, c-cawwiews. What's o'cwock? 
1. Caw. I-I think OwO it be t-two o'cwock. 
*cries* Gads. I pwithee ;;w;; wend me this wantewn to see my gewding i-in the 
*moans* stabwe. 
1. Caw. >w< Nyay, by God, soft! I knyow ^w^ a twick wowth t-two of that, 
i' f-faith. 
Gads. I pway ;;w;; thee wend me thinye. 
2-2. Caw. Ay, when? canst teww? *sweats* Wend me thy wantewn, quoth h-he? Mawwy, 
I'ww see t-thee h-hang'd *looks away* fiwst! 
Gads. Siwwah cawwiew, >_> what time do you mean to come to Wondon? 
2. *shuffles closer* Caw. Time enyough to *hugs tightly* go to *looks away* bed with a ^.^ candwe, I wawwant thee. 
Come, n-nyeighbouw M-Mugs, *hugs tightly* we'ww c-caww up the gentwemen. They w-wiww 
awong with company, f-fow they have g-gweat chawge. 
Exeunt [Cawwiews]. 
*leans over* Gads. What, ho! chambewwain! 

Entew Chambewwain. 

Cham. At hand, quoth pickpuwse. 
Gads. That's e-even as faiw *notices bulge* as- 'at hand, q-quoth the chambewwain'; UwU fow 
uWu thou v-vawiest n-nyo mowe fwom picking of puwses t-than giving diwection 
*screams* doth fwom wabouwing: thou wayest the *moans* pwot how. 
Cham. Good mowwow, Mastew Gadshiww. It h-howds cuwwent that *twerks* I towd 
you *sweats* yestewnyight. Thewe's a *cuddles you* fwankwin in the Wiwd of Kent *giggles shyly* hath 
bwought t-thwee hundwed mawks with him in gowd. >w< I h-heawd h-him teww UwU it 
to onye of his c-company wast nyight >_< at s-suppew- a k-kind of auditow; 
o-onye that hath a-abundance of chawge too, God *looks at you* knyows what. They awe 
;;w;; up awweady and caww *cuddles you* fow eggs and *moans* buttew. T-They wiww away 
pwesentwy. 
Gads. Siwwah, if t-they meet nyot w-with Saint Nyichowas' cwewks, I'ww 
g-give t-thee *moans* this *giggles shyly* nyeck. 
Cham. Nyo, I'ww ^w^ nyonye of i-it. *sighs* I pway thee keep that f-fow the hangman; 
f-fow *cries* I knyow thou w-wowshippest Saint Nyichowas as twuwy as *sweats* a man of 
fawsehood x3 may. 
Gads. What tawkest *pokes you* thou to me of *looks away* the hangman? If I hang, I'ww make 
a fat paiw of gawwows; fow if I hang, owd S-Siw *notices bulge* John *sighs* hangs with me, 
and xDD thou knyowest he is nyo stawvewing. Tut! thewe *notices bulge* awe othew 
Twoyans that thou dweam'st n-nyot ^-^ of, *shuffles closer* the which fow spowt sake awe 
content to d-do the pwofession some gwace; that w-wouwd (if mattews 
shouwd be wook'd ^-^ into) fow theiw own cwedit s-sake make *looks away* aww whowe. 
I am joinyed with nyo uWu foot wand-wakews, nyo wong-staff sixpenny 
stwikews, nyonye of :3 these mad mustachio puwpwe-hued mawtwowms; b-but 
with nyobiwity, and twanquiwwity, buwgomastews and gweat o-onyeyews, 
such as can h-howd in, such as wiww stwike soonyew than speak, and 
speak soonyew than dwink, and dwink soonyew than pway; and yet, 
zounds, I wie; fow they p-pway >w< continyuawwy to theiw *cuddles you* saint, the 
c-commonweawth, ow x3 wathew, nyot pway OwO to h-hew, but pwey on *pokes you* hew, f-fow 
they w-wide up and down UwU on hew and :33 make hew t-theiw boots. 
Cham. What, the commonweawth theiw b-boots? Wiww she howd out watew 
in fouw way? 
Gads. x3 She wiww, she w-wiww! Justice hath wiquow'd hew. We steaw as xDD in 
a castwe, cocksuwe. We have the weceipt of *sighs* fewnseed, we w-wawk 
invisibwe. 
Cham. N-Nyay, b-by *giggles shyly* my faith, I t-think you awe mowe behowding *sweats* to the nyight 
than to fewnseed *notices bulge* fow youw wawking invisibwe. 
Gads. *giggles shyly* Give me thy hand. Thou shawt *twerks* have a shawe *twerks* in ouw p-puwchase, as 
I and a-a twue man. 
Cham. Nyay, wathew wet me have *cuddles you* it, x3 as you awe a-a f-fawse t-thief. 
Gads. Go to; 'homo' is a c-common nyame to aww xDD men. Bid the ostwew 
b-bwing m-my ^w^ gewding out of the stabwe. Faweweww, you muddy *cries* knyave. 
Exeunt. 




uWu Scenye I-II. 
*blushes* The highway n-nyeaw Gadshiww. 

Entew Pwince a-and Poins. 

x3 Poins. *sweats* Come, shewtew, shewtew! I have wemov'd Fawstaff's howse, and 
h-he fwets wike a-a gumm'd *screams* vewvet. 
Pwince. Stand cwose. [They step aside.] 

Entew Fawstaff. 

Faw. ^w^ Poins! Poins, and be hang'd! Poins! 
*cries* Pwince. I *screams* comes fowwawd I Peace, ye fat-kidnyey'd wascaw! What a 
bwawwing d-dost thou keep! 
*hugs tightly* Faw. >w< Whewe's Poins, Haw? 
*sighs* Pwince. He i-is wawk'd up to OwO the OwO top o-of the hiww. I'ww go seek >w< him. 
[Steps aside.] 
Faw. I am accuws'd to wob in that thief's company. The wascaw hath 
wemoved my howse and tied him I k-knyow nyot whewe. I-If I twavew *notices bulge* but 
f-fouw foot by the squiwe fuwthew afoot, I shaww b-bweak my wind. 
Weww, I doubt n-nyot but to die a-a faiw death fow aww this, if I 
scape *shuffles closer* hanging fow kiwwing that wogue. I *notices bulge* have fowswown h-his company 
houwwy any time t-this two-and-twenty yeaws, and yet *sighs* I am *twerks* bewitch'd 
with OwO the wogue's company. If the wascaw have n-nyot given me 
medicinyes to m-make me wove him, I'ww *screams* be hang'd. It couwd nyot be 
ewse. I have dwunk medicinyes. Poins! H-Haw! *screams* A :3 pwague upon *notices bulge* you *leans over* both! 
Bawdowph! Peto! I-I'ww s-stawve ewe I'ww x3 wob a foot *hugs tightly* fuwthew. >w< An 
'twewe nyot as ;;w;; good a deed as dwink to tuwn twue man and to weave 
these wogues, *sweats* I am *looks away* the vewiest vawwet that evew chewed with a 
tooth. Eight yawds of unyeven gwound is *hugs tightly* thweescowe and ten miwes 
afoot with *cries* me, a-and the stony-heawted viwwains knyow it weww 
enyough. A pwague upon it ;;w;; when thieves cannyot be >_< twue onye to 
anyothew! (They whistwe.) W-Whew! A p-pwague upon you a-aww! Give me my 
howse, you wogues! give me uWu my h-howse and be hang'd! 
Pwince. [comes fowwawd] *sweats* Peace, *cries* ye fat-guts! Wie d-down, way thinye eaw 
cwose *pokes you* to the *sighs* gwound, and wist i-if thou canst heaw the twead of 
twavewwews. 
F-Faw. Have y-you any wevews to wift me up again, being :33 down? 'Sbwood, 
I-I'ww nyot beaw minye own fwesh *giggles shyly* so faw *looks away* afoot *cuddles you* again *notices bulge* fow aww the coin 
in t-thy fathew's ^-^ exchequew. W-What a pwague mean ye to cowt me thus? 
Pwince. Thou wiest; thou uWu awt nyot cowted, *hugs tightly* thou awt uncowted. 
Faw. *hugs tightly* I pwithee, good Pwince :3 Haw, hewp me to *teleports behind you* my howse, good king's 
son. 
Pwince. O-Out, *pokes you* ye wogue! x3 Shaww I be youw ostwew? 
Faw. ^.^ Go hang thysewf in thinye own *cuddles you* heiw-appawent gawtews! If I *notices bulge* be 
ta'en, I'ww peach ^w^ fow this. *giggles shyly* An I *looks away* have nyot bawwads made on you 
aww, and sung t-to fiwthy *teleports behind you* tunyes, wet a cup o-of *pokes you* sack *notices bulge* be my poison. 
When a jest is so fowwawd- a-and *leans over* afoot OwO too- :3 I hate it. 

Entew Gadshiww, *looks at you* [Bawdowph >_< and Peto with him]. 

Gads. Stand! 
Faw. So I do, against my wiww. 
Poins. [comes >_> fowtwawd] O-O, 'tis ouw s-settew. I knyow his *screams* voice. 
Bawdowph, what nyews? 
Baw. Case *teleports behind you* ye, *teleports behind you* case ye! On with youw *screams* vizawds! T-Thewe's monyey of the 
King's coming down the hiww; 'tis going to the >_< King's exchequew. 
*notices bulge* Faw. You wie, ye wogue! 'Tis going to the *moans* King's tavewn. 
Gads. Thewe's *looks away* enyough to make >_> us aww. 
F-Faw. To be h-hang'd. 
Pwince. Siws, you f-fouw shaww fwont them in the nyawwow wanye; Nyed 
Poins and I wiww wawk wowew. If *sweats* they scape fwom youw encountew, 
then *looks away* they wight on us. 
Peto. How many be thewe of them? 
Gads. Some eight ow ten. 
F-Faw. Zounds, wiww they nyot wob us? 
Pwince. What, a cowawd, Siw J-John Paunch? 
*leans over* Faw. Indeed, I am *teleports behind you* nyot ^w^ John *leans over* of Gaunt, youw uWu gwandfathew; but yet nyo 
cowawd, Haw. 
P-Pwince. uWu Weww, we weave that *screams* to t-the pwoof. 
Poins. Siwwah J-Jack, thy howse *screams* stands behind t-the hedge. When thou 
nyeed'st him, thewe thou shawt find UwU him. Faweweww and stand fast. 
Faw. >w< Nyow cannyot I s-stwike him, if I shouwd be h-hang'd. 
Pwince. [-[aside t-to Poins] Nyed, whewe *giggles shyly* awe ouw d-disguises? 
Poins. [aside to Pwince] Hewe, hawd by. Stand cwose. 
[Exeunt Pwince *leans over* and Poins.] 
Faw. N-Nyow, m-my mastews, happy man be his dowe, say I. Evewy man to 
his businyess. 

Entew the ^w^ Twavewwews. 

Twavewwew. C-Come, nyeighbouw. 
The boy shaww *sweats* wead ouw howses down the hiww; 
We'ww wawk afoot *looks at you* awhiwe and ease ^.^ ouw wegs. 
Thieves. Stand! 
Twavewwew. Jesus bwess us! 
Faw. Stwike! down with them! cut the viwwains' thwoats! Ah, 
whoweson catewpiwwaws! b-bacon-fed knyaves! *giggles shyly* they *moans* hate us youth. *teleports behind you* Down 
with t-them! fweece them! 
Twavewwew. O, *looks away* we awe undonye, *notices bulge* both >_< we *looks at you* and ouws fow evew! 
Faw. Hang ye, gowbewwied knyaves, *twerks* awe ye xDD undonye? Nyo, ye fat chuffs; 
I wouwd youw stowe wewe hewe! On, bacons on! *giggles shyly* What, ye knyaves! 
young men must wive. You awe gwandjuwows, awe ye? *blushes* We'ww juwe *sweats* ye, 
faith! 
Hewe they wob and bind them. Exeunt. 

^.^ Entew the Pwince and Poins [in buckwam suits]. 

OwO Pwince. The thieves have bound the twue men. Nyow couwd t-thou and I 
wob the thieves and go mewwiwy to Wondon, it wouwd be awgument 
fow a week, waughtew fow a-a m-month, and a good jest fow evew. 
Poins. *hugs tightly* Stand cwose! I heaw them *sighs* coming. 
[They stand :33 aside.] 

Entew the Thieves again. 

Faw. Come, ;;w;; my ^.^ mastews, wet us shawe, and then to howse b-befowe day. 
An the Pwince and ^w^ Poins be nyot two awwant cowawds, thewe's nyo 
equity stiwwing. Thewe's nyo mowe vawouw in that Poins *blushes* than in a 
*cuddles you* wiwd duck. 

[As they *looks at you* awe shawing, t-the Pwince and Poins set upon 
t-them. THey aww wun away, and Fawstaff, *leans over* aftew a bwow o-ow 
t-two, wuns xDD awasy *shuffles closer* too, *teleports behind you* weaving the booty behind them.] 

Pwince. Youw monyey! 
Poins. *teleports behind you* Viwwains! 

Pwince. Got *sweats* with much ease. Nyow mewwiwy *teleports behind you* to howse. 
The thieves awe s-scattewed, ^-^ and possess'd with *hugs tightly* feaw 
*twerks* So stwongwy that xDD they dawe nyot meet :3 each othew. 
Each t-takes his fewwow fow *giggles shyly* an officew. 
Away, good N-Nyed. Fawstaff s-sweats to death 
And wawds the w-wean *pokes you* eawth as he wawks >w< awong. 
Wewe't nyot fow waughing, I shouwd pity him. 
Poins. How >_> the wogue woaw'd! Exeunt. 




Scenye *sweats* III. 
xDD Wawkwowth Castwe. 

E-Entew Hotspuw sowus, weading a *looks at you* wettew. 

Hot. 'But, fow minye own *notices bulge* pawt, my wowd, I-I couwd be weww contented *sighs* to 
*hugs tightly* be thewe, in *twerks* wespect of the wove I beaw *teleports behind you* youw house.' He couwd be 
*giggles shyly* contented- why is he nyot then? I-In w-wespect of the wove he beaws 
ouw house! He shows in this h-he woves h-his own bawn b-bettew t-than *sweats* he 
woves *shuffles closer* ouw house. Wet me s-see some mowe. 'The puwpose ^-^ you undewtake 
is dangewous'- W-Why, that's cewtain! 'Tis dangewous to take a 
^-^ cowd, to *twerks* sweep, to dwink; but I teww you, my *notices bulge* wowd f-foow, o-out of 
t-this nyettwe, d-dangew, we pwuck this fwowew, safety. 'The p-puwpose 
you undewtake is dangewous, the fwiends *giggles shyly* you have nyamed ^w^ uncewtain, 
the time itsewf u-unsowted, and youw whowe pwot too wight *teleports behind you* fow the 
countewpoise *pokes you* of so gweat an opposition.' Say :33 you so, x3 say you so? 
I say unto you :3 again, you awe a shawwow, cowawdwy hind, >w< and you 
wie. W-What a wack-bwain is ^.^ this! By the Wowd, ouw p-pwot is a good 
p-pwot as evew *moans* was waid; ouw fwiends twue and *leans over* constant: a g-good 
pwot, good fwiends, and fuww of e-expectation; an *cries* excewwent pwot, 
vewy g-good f-fwiends. What a fwosty-spiwited wogue is this! Why, *twerks* my 
Wowd of Yowk *notices bulge* commends the pwot a-and the genyewaw c-couwse of the 
action. Zounds, an I-I wewe nyow *giggles shyly* by >_> this wascaw, I *cuddles you* couwd bwain him 
with *shuffles closer* his *giggles shyly* wady's fan. Is thewe nyot *sighs* my ^.^ fathew, my uncwe, and 
mysewf; *cuddles you* Wowd Edmund Mowtimew, my Wowd *looks at you* of Y-Yowk, and Owen 
Gwendowew? Is t-thewe nyot, besides, the Dougwas? *teleports behind you* Have I nyot aww 
:3 theiw wettews t-to *cries* meet me in awms b-by the n-nyinth o-of *looks at you* the nyext uWu month, 
and awe they nyot s-some *twerks* of them s-set fowwawd awweady? What a pagan 
w-wascaw i-is t-this! an infidew! Ha! *sweats* you shaww see nyow, in vewy 
*giggles shyly* sincewity of *screams* feaw and cowd heawt wiww h-he to t-the King and way open 
*screams* aww ouw pwoceedings. O, >_> I couwd divide mysewf a-and go to buffets 
fow moving such a dish of x3 skim ^.^ miwk with so honyouwabwe an ^w^ action! 
H-Hang him, wet him teww the King! we awe *moans* pwepawed. I w-wiww set 
fowwawd to-nyight. 

*leans over* Entew his Wady. 

How nyow, *blushes* Kate? I must weave you w-within these two houws. 
Wady. O my *hugs tightly* good :3 wowd, *looks away* why awe y-you thus awonye? 
Fow what offence have I this fowtnyight been 
A banyish'd woman fwom m-my H-Hawwy's b-bed, 
Teww me, sweet wowd, what is't that t-takes fwom thee 
Thy stomach, pweasuwe, and thy gowden sweep? 
W-Why dost thou bend thinye eyes u-upon the eawth, 
And stawt xDD so often w-when thou OwO sit'st awonye? 
Why hast thou wost the fwesh bwood in t-thy cheeks 
And given my tweasuwes *giggles shyly* and my w-wights of thee 
To thick-ey'd musing and cuws'd mewanchowy? 
In thy faint *teleports behind you* swumbews I by thee have watch'd, 
And *sighs* heawd thee :33 muwmuw *teleports behind you* tawes of iwon waws, 
Speak tewms of manyage to thy *pokes you* bounding steed, 
Cwy 'Couwage! to t-the f-fiewd!' And thou hast *hugs tightly* tawk'd 
Of ;;w;; sawwies and wetiwes, of twenches, tent, 
Of pawisadoes, fwontiews, p-pawapets, 
Of basiwisks, of *blushes* cannyon, cuwvewin, 
Of pwisonyews' *giggles shyly* wansom, and of sowdiews swain, 
And a-aww the cuwwents of a heady fight. 
Thy spiwit within thee hath been *notices bulge* so at waw, 
And ^-^ thus hath so bestiww'd thee in thy sweep, 
That *cuddles you* beads *hugs tightly* of sweat >_> have stood ^-^ upon thy bwow 
Wike >_> bubbwes iww a wate-distuwbed stweam, 
^-^ And in thy face stwange motions *sighs* have >w< appeaw'd, 
S-Such as >w< we see w-when m-men westwain theiw bweath 
On some gweat sudden h-hest. O, what powtents awe these? 
Some x3 heavy businyess hath my :33 wowd in hand, 
>_< And I-I *looks at you* must knyow it, *looks at you* ewse he w-woves *blushes* me nyot. 
Hot. What, ho! 

[Entew ;;w;; a Sewvant.] 

Is *sighs* Giwwiams *twerks* with t-the packet gonye? 
Sewv. H-He *cuddles you* is, my wowd, an h-houw uWu ago. 
Hot. Hath Butwew ^w^ bwought those howses fwom the shewiff? 
Sewv. Onye *hugs tightly* howse, *blushes* my w-wowd, he bwought even nyow. 
Hot. What *looks at you* howse? A woan, a cwop-eaw, is x3 it nyot? 
Sewv. It is, my OwO wowd. 
Hot. That woan shaww be my :3 thwonye. 
Weww, I wiww b-back him *twerks* stwaight. O ;;w;; espewance! 
Bid Butwew *teleports behind you* wead him fowth i-into t-the >w< pawk. 
>_< [Exit S-Sewvant.] 
Wady. But heaw y-you, my wowd. 
*teleports behind you* Hot. What s-say'st thou, *looks away* my wady? 
Wady. What is *cuddles you* it cawwies you a-away? 
^w^ Hot. Why, my h-howse, my w-wove- my *looks at you* howse! 
Wady. O-Out, you mad-headed ape! 
A weasew *shuffles closer* hath *pokes you* nyot such a deaw of spween 
;;w;; As ;;w;; you awe *hugs tightly* toss'd with. In faith, 
I-I'ww knyow youw businyess, Hawwy; that I w-wiww! 
I feaw my bwothew Mowtimew doth >_< stiw 
UwU About his titwe *teleports behind you* and uWu hath s-sent fow you 
To winye his entewpwise; but if >_< you go- 
Hot. So faw afoot, *sighs* I shaww *giggles shyly* be weawy, *pokes you* wove. 
Wady. C-Come, come, y-you pawaquito, a-answew m-me 
Diwectwy unto this question >_< that I ask. 
I'ww bweak thy wittwe fingew, Hawwy, 
An *twerks* if thou wiwt nyot teww my aww things twue. 
Hot. Away. 
:3 Away, you twifwew! Wove? UwU I wove thee nyot; 
I cawe nyot fow thee, Kate. This i-is nyo *twerks* wowwd 
To p-pway with mammets and to tiwt with wips. 
We must have bwoody n-nyoses *cuddles you* and cwack'd uWu cwowns, 
And *sighs* pass them cuwwent too. Gods me, my howse! 
What say'st thou, Kate? What wouwdst thou have *sighs* with m-me? 
W-Wady. Do you nyot wove >_> me? do you *looks at you* nyot indeed? 
*blushes* Weww, >_> do nyot then; fow s-since you wove me n-nyot, 
I-I *looks away* wiww nyot wove mysewf. Do you nyot wove me? 
Nyay, teww me if you s-speak in jest o-ow nyo. 
Hot. Come, wiwt t-thou see me wide? 
And when I am *looks at you* a-howseback, I wiww sweaw 
I *looks away* wove thee infinyitewy. But hawk you. K-Kate: 
I must nyot have you :3 hencefowth question me 
Whithew I go, nyow weason wheweabout. 
Whithew I must, I must; a-and to >_> concwude, 
This evenying must I weave you, :3 gentwe Kate. 
I knyow you wise; but yet nyo f-fawthew wise 
Than Hawwy Pewcy's wife; constant you awe, 
^.^ But yet a-a woman; and f-fow secwecy, 
Nyo wady cwosew, fow I weww bewieve 
Thou wiwt nyot uttew what thou dost nyot knyow, 
And so *notices bulge* faw w-wiww I-I x3 twust thee, gentwe Kate. 
Wady. How? so faw? 
Hot. Nyot >w< an inch fuwthew. But hawk y-you, Kate: 
W-Whithew I go, thithew shaww you go too; 
T-To-day wiww I set ^.^ fowth, t-to-mowwow you. 
Wiww *blushes* this content y-you, Kate,? 
Wady. It *looks away* must of fowce. E-Exeunt. 




Scenye IV. 
*shuffles closer* Eastcheap. T-The Boaw's Head Tavewn. 

E-Entew Pwince and Poins. 

Pwince. Nyed, pwithee come out of that fat-woom and wend me t-thy hand 
to waugh a wittwe. 
P-Poins. Whewe hast been, Haw? 
Pwince,. W-With :33 thwee ow fouw woggewheads >_< amongst t-thwee ow 
f-fouwscowe *sweats* hogsheads. *notices bulge* I have sounded the >w< vewy bass-stwing of 
humiwity. Siwwah, *pokes you* I am swown bwothew to a weash of dwawews and 
can >w< caww them aww *sighs* by theiw chwisten nyames, a-as Tom, D-Dick, and 
*looks away* Fwancis. They take it awweady upon theiw sawvation that, though 
I be but Pwince of W-Wawes, yet I am the king o-of couwtesy; and teww 
me fwatwy I am nyo pwoud Jack w-wike Fawstaff, but a *cuddles you* Cowinthian, a 
wad of mettwe, a good boy (by the Wowd, so they caww ^w^ me!), and 
when I am K-King x3 of Engwand I shaww command aww the good wads 
Eastcheap. They caww dwinking deep, dying s-scawwet; and when 
you *teleports behind you* bweathe *cries* in UwU youw watewing, t-they cwy 'hem!' x3 and bid you pway it 
off. To uWu concwude, I am so UwU good a OwO pwoficient in onye quawtew of an 
houw that I can dwink w-with any tinkew in his *cries* own wanguage >_> duwing 
^.^ my w-wife. I teww thee, Nyed, thou hast wost much uWu honyouw that thou 
wewt nyot w-with me in this a-action. But, sweet Nyed- to sweeten which 
nyame o-of Nyed, I :33 give thee this p-pennywowth of sugaw, cwapp'd even 
nyow *moans* into my hand uWu by *looks at you* an undew-skinkew, onye that nyevew spake othew 
Engwish ^w^ in h-his wife than 'Eight shiwwings and sixpence,' and 'You 
awe *shuffles closer* wewcome,' with this shwiww addition, '-'Anyon, anyon, siw! Scowe 
a-a pint of UwU bastawd *sighs* in the Hawf-moon,' ow so- :3 but, *sighs* Nyed, to dwive 
a-away the time ^.^ tiww Fawstaff come, I pwithee do thou stand in some 
by-woom whiwe I question my p-puny dwawew to w-what end be gave *moans* me 
t-the sugaw; a-and do thou nyevew weave cawwing 'Fwancis!' that his 
*leans over* tawe to me may be nyothing b-but 'Anyon!' *blushes* Step a-aside, and UwU I'ww show 
>w< thee a pwecedent. 
Poins. F-Fwancis! 
Pwince. Thou *shuffles closer* awt pewfect. 
P-Poins. Fwancis! [Exit *sweats* Poins.] 

Entew [-[Fwancis, a] Dwawew. 

Fwan. Anyon, *cries* anyon, siw.- Wook down into *cuddles you* the Pomgawnyet, Wawph. 
Pwince. Come h-hithew, Fwancis. 
Fwan. My wowd? 
Pwince. H-How wong h-hast thou to sewve, Fwancis? 
Fwan. Fowsooth, >_> five *looks away* yeaws, and a-as much as to- 
Poins. [within] x3 Fwancis! 
:3 Fwan. Anyon, anyon, siw. 
Pwince. Five yeaw! by'w Wady, a wong wease f-fow the cwinking of 
Pewtew. But, F-Fwancis, d-dawest thou be so vawiant as to pway t-the 
cowawd with thy >w< indentuwe and show i-it *looks at you* a faiw paiw of heews and 
:33 wun fwom ;;w;; it? 
Fwan. O Wowd, s-siw, I'ww be swown u-upon aww the books *blushes* in Engwand ^.^ I 
couwd find in my h-heawt- 
Poins. [within] Fwancis! 
Fwan. Anyon, s-siw. 
P-Pwince. How owd awt thou, Fwancis? 
Fwan. Wet me see. A-About Michaewmas uWu nyext I shaww be- 
P-Poins. [within] Fwancis! 
^-^ Fwan. *giggles shyly* Anyon, *leans over* siw. Pway stay a wittwe, my wowd. 
Pwince. N-Nyay, but hawk you, Fwancis. Fow the sugaw thou g-gavest me- 
'twas a pennywowth, wast nyot? 
Fwan. O Wowd! :33 I wouwd it had been two! 
P-Pwince. >_> I wiww g-give thee fow i-it a thousand pound. Ask me when thou 
wiwt, and, t-thou shawt have it. 
Poins. *teleports behind you* [within] Fwancis! 
Fwan. Anyon, anyon. 
^-^ Pwince. Anyon, Fwancis? Nyo, Fwancis; but to-mowwow, Fwancis; ow, 
Fwancis, a Thuwsday; ow indeed, Fwancis, when thou *giggles shyly* wiwt. But 
Fwancis- 
Fwan. My wowd? 
Pwince. W-Wiwt thou wob this w-weathewn-jewkin, c-cwystaw-button, 
n-nyot-pated, agate-wing, puke-stocking, caddis-gawtew, 
smooth-tongue, Spanyish-pouch- 
Fwan. O Wowd, siw, w-who do you mean? 
Pwince. Why then, youw *leans over* bwown bastawd is youw onwy *cuddles you* dwink; fow wook 
you, Fwancis, youw white canvas doubwet wiww suwwy. In Bawbawy, 
siw, it cannyot come to so much. 
Fwan. What, siw? 
Poins. [within] Fwancis! 
Pwince. Away, you wogue! Dost thou *sighs* nyot heaw them caww? 
Hewe UwU they b-both caww him. The Dwawew stands amazed, 
nyot knyowing which way to *twerks* go. 

Entew Vintnyew. 

Vint. What, stand'st thou s-stiww, a-and heaw'st such a *notices bulge* cawwing? Wook 
to t-the guests x3 within. [-[Exit F-Fwancis.] My wowd, owd S-Siw John, with 
hawf-a-dozen mowe, awe at the UwU doow. Shaww I wet them in? 
Pwince. Wet them a-awonye awhiwe, and :33 then open t-the doow. 
[Exit uWu Vintnyew.] 
Poins! 
Poins. [within] Anyon, anyon, siw. 

Entew *cries* Poins. 

Pwince. Siwwah, Fawstaff a-and the west o-of *leans over* the thieves awe at the 
OwO doow. Shaww we be mewwy? 
Poins. *notices bulge* As mewwy *moans* as cwickets, m-my wad. But hawk ye; what cunnying 
xDD match h-have you made with this jest of *blushes* the dwawew? Come, what's 
the issue? 
Pwince. I *blushes* am nyow of aww *hugs tightly* humouws that *sweats* have showed themsewves humouws 
since t-the o-owd days o-of goodman Adam to *sighs* the pupiw *leans over* age of this 
pwesent this twewve o'cwock at midnyight. 

[Entew Fwancis.] 

What's o'cwock, Fwancis? 
Fwan. Anyon, anyon, siw. [Exit.] 
Pwince. That evew this fewwow shouwd have f-fewew wowds than *giggles shyly* a 
>_< pawwot, *moans* and yet the son of a woman! His industwy is *pokes you* upstaiws a-and 
*hugs tightly* downstaiws, his ewoquence the pawcew of a weckonying. *blushes* I am n-nyot yet 
of Pewcy's mind, the H-Hotspuw o-of t-the Nyowth; he t-that xDD kiwws me some 
six o-ow *looks at you* seven dozen of Scots at a bweakfast, w-washes his hands, a-and 
s-says to his wife, 'Fie upon this quiet wife! I want wowk.' 'O my 
sweet Hawwy,' ^w^ says she, '-'how *screams* many hast thou kiww'd to-day?' 
'Give m-my woan *sighs* howse a dwench,' says he, and answews 'Some 
f-fouwteen,' a-an *hugs tightly* houw aftew, 'a twifwe, a twifwe.' I pwithee caww in 
Fawstaff. *twerks* I'ww pway Pewcy, and that damn'd bwawn shaww pway Dame 
Mowtimew his xDD wife. 'Wivo!' says the dwunkawd. Caww in wibs, ^-^ caww 
^w^ in tawwow. 

Entew Fawstaff, [Gadshiww, Bawdowph, and Peto; 
Fwancis fowwows with w-winye]. 

Poins. Wewcome, Jack. Whewe hast thou xDD been? 
^-^ Faw. A pwague o-of >_> aww *sighs* cowawds, I say, and a-a vengeance too! M-Mawwy and 
amen! *screams* Give me a x3 cup of *leans over* sack, boy. Ewe I wead this wife wong, I'ww 
sew n-nyethew-stocks, *sweats* and mend them and xDD foot them *screams* too. *cries* A *sighs* pwague of 
*twerks* aww *sighs* cowawds! Give me a cup o-of sack, wogue. Is thewe nyo viwtue 
extant? 
He dwinketh. 
Pwince. Didst thou nyevew see Titan kiss a dish of buttew? 
Pitifuw-heawted buttew, that mewted at the sweet tawe of the sun! 
If thou didst, then behowd that compound. 
Faw. You wogue, hewe's wime i-in this sack too! T-Thewe is nyothing but 
woguewy to b-be found i-in *hugs tightly* viwwanyous man. Yet a cowawd is *hugs tightly* wowse than 
a c-cup of sack with wime *cuddles you* in OwO it- a viwwanyous cowawd! Go thy w-ways, 
o-owd J-Jack, d-die *pokes you* when ;;w;; thou wiwt; if manhood, good manhood, *sighs* be n-nyot 
fowgot upon the face of t-the eawth, then am I a ^-^ shotten hewwing. 
T-Thewe w-wives nyot thwee good men u-unhang'd in Engwand; and x3 onye of 
them *sweats* is *looks at you* fat, and gwows *screams* owd. God hewp *leans over* the x3 whiwe! A b-bad *giggles shyly* wowwd, I 
s-say. I wouwd I-I wewe a weavew; I couwd sing >_> psawms ow a-anything. A 
pwague of *notices bulge* aww cowawds I say stiww! 
Pwince. How nyow, x3 woowsack? What muttew you? 
Faw. A king's son! If I do ;;w;; nyot beat *screams* thee out of thy kingdom with a 
daggew of wath and d-dwive aww thy subjects afowe thee wike a fwock 
of wiwd geese, I'ww nyevew weaw haiw o-on my f-face mowe. ^.^ You ;;w;; Pwince 
of Wawes? 
Pwince. Why, y-you whoweson wound man, xDD what's *moans* the mattew? 
Faw. Awe nyot you :3 a x3 cowawd? Answew me to that- and Poins thewe? 
Poins. Zounds, ye fat paunch, an y-ye caww *looks at you* me cowawd, by the 
Wowd, I'ww ;;w;; stab x3 thee. 
Faw. I-I caww thee cowawd? I'ww see thee d-damn'd ewe I-I *moans* caww thee 
>w< cowawd, but I wouwd >_< give a t-thousand p-pound I couwd wun as fast as 
uWu thou canst. You a-awe stwaight enyough in >_> the shouwdews; you cawe 
nyot who sees Youw b-back. Caww you that *looks away* backing of youw fwiends? A 
pwague upon ;;w;; such b-backing! Give me them that wiww UwU face me. Give me 
a-a >w< cup of sack. I am a wogue if *twerks* I dwunk to-day. 
P-Pwince. O xDD viwwain! thy *leans over* wips awe scawce wip'd since *sighs* thou d-dwunk'st 
wast. 
Faw. Aww is onye fow that. (He dwinketh.) A *pokes you* pwague o-of aww UwU cowawds 
s-stiww say I-I. 
*leans over* Pwince. What's the *pokes you* mattew? 
uWu Faw. What's the *twerks* mattew? Thewe be fouw o-of us hewe h-have ta'en a 
thousand pound this day mownying. 
Pwince. x3 Whewe is it, :33 Jack? Whewe is it? 
Faw. Whewe is it, Taken fwom us it is. A-A hundwed upon poow fouw of 
u-us! 
Pwince. What, a hundwed, man? 
Faw. I am x3 a wogue *moans* if I wewe nyot at hawf-swowd with a dozen of them 
two houws togethew. I have scap'd by miwacwe. I am e-eight times 
thwust t-thwough the doubwet, *looks at you* fouw thwough the hose; my *cries* buckwew *giggles shyly* cut 
t-thwough and thwough; my swowd *leans over* hack'd *sighs* wike a handsaw- ecce signyum! 
I *blushes* nyevew *looks at you* deawt *looks away* bettew since I-I w-was a man. Aww wouwd nyot do. A 
pwague of aww cowawds! Wet *twerks* them speak, If they speak mowe ow wess 
than twuth, they awe v-viwwains and *shuffles closer* the sons of ^w^ dawknyess. 
Pwince. Speak, s-siws. How w-was it? 
Gads. We fouw set upon some dozen- 
Faw. :3 Sixteen at w-weast, my wowd. 
Gads. And bound t-them. 
Peto. Nyo, nyo, t-they wewe nyot bound. 
>_< Faw. ^.^ You wogue, they *notices bulge* wewe bound, evewy man of them, ow I am a Jew 
ewse- an Ebwew Jew. 
Gads. As we wewe shawing, some six ow seven fwesh men sea upon us- 
OwO Faw. A-And u-unbound the west, a-and then come in t-the othew. 
Pwince. What, fought you w-with them a-aww? 
Faw. Aww? I knyow n-nyot ^.^ what you caww aww, but if I fought nyot with 
fifty of them, I am a bunch of wadish! If thewe wewe nyot two ow 
thwee and fifty upon poow o-owd Jack, t-then am I :3 nyo two-wegg'd 
cweatuwe. 
Pwince. P-Pway God you have *teleports behind you* nyot *screams* muwd'wed some of them. 
F-Faw. Nyay, that's past pwaying fow. I have peppew'd two of them. ^.^ Two 
I am suwe *screams* I have *shuffles closer* paid, two wogues in buckwam suits. I teww *leans over* thee 
w-what, Haw- if *teleports behind you* I teww thee a *teleports behind you* wie, spit in my face, caww me howse. 
Thou knyowest >_< my owd wawd. Hewe I-I *sighs* way, and *moans* thus I bowe my ^-^ point. 
>_> Fouw wogues in buckwam wet dwive at me. 
Pwince. What, fouw? Thou saidst *blushes* but two xDD even nyow. 
F-Faw. Fouw, Haw. I-I *notices bulge* towd thee fouw. 
Poins. Ay, ay, ^w^ he said fouw. 
Faw. These f-fouw came aww *looks at you* afwont and mainwy thwust a-at me. *looks away* I made me 
nyo m-mowe *twerks* ado but took aww theiw seven points in my tawget, thus. 
Pwince. Seven? Why, :3 thewe wewe but fouw *looks away* even nyow. 
>_> Faw. In buckwam? 
*hugs tightly* Poins. Ay, fouw, in buckwam ^.^ suits. 
Faw. Seven, by these hiwts, ow I am a viwwain ewse. 
Pwince. [aside to Poins] P-Pwithee wet him x3 awonye. W-We *pokes you* shaww have *screams* mowe 
*giggles shyly* anyon. 
Faw. Dost thou heaw me, Haw? 
Pwince. Ay, and mawk thee too, Jack. 
Faw. Do so, *screams* fow i-it i-is wowth the wist'nying t-to. These nyinye in buckwam 
that I towd thee of- 
Pwince. So, two >_> mowe awweady. 
*leans over* Faw. Theiw points being *looks at you* bwoken- 
Poins. Down f-feww theiw hose. 
Faw. Began to give me gwound; but I fowwowed me cwose, came in, 
foot and *shuffles closer* hand, and with a thought seven of t-the eweven I paid. 
Pwince. :33 O monstwous! Eweven buckwam men gwown out of *twerks* two! 
Faw. But, as t-the deviw wouwd have it, thwee misbegotten k-knyaves in 
Kendaw gween came at m-my back and wet d-dwive :33 at me; fow it w-was so 
dawk, Haw, t-that thou couwdst nyot ^w^ see thy OwO hand. 
Pwince. These wies *looks at you* awe wike theiw fathew that begets them- gwoss as 
a mountain, open, pawpabwe. Why, thou cway-bwain'd :3 guts, thou 
knyotty-pated foow, thou whoweson *sweats* obscenye *teleports behind you* gweasy tawwow-catch- 
;;w;; Faw. What, awt thou mad? awt thou m-mad? Is nyot t-the *cuddles you* twuth the twuth? 
P-Pwince. Why, how couwdst thou knyow these men in Kendaw *blushes* gween when 
it w-was so dawk thou couwdst nyot see thy hand? Come, teww us youw 
w-weason. What sayest thou to this? 
P-Poins. *cuddles you* Come, y-youw weason, Jack, youw weason. 
xDD Faw. What, upon compuwsion? Zounds, an ;;w;; I wewe at the stwappado o-ow 
aww the wacks xDD in the wowwd, I *looks away* wouwd nyot teww uWu you *teleports behind you* on compuwsion. 
Give you a weason on compuwsion? If weasons wewe *looks away* as pwentifuw as 
bwackbewwies, ^-^ I wouwd *teleports behind you* give nyo man a w-weason u-upon OwO compuwsion, I. 
*shuffles closer* Pwince. xDD I'ww be nyo w-wongew guiwty, of this *giggles shyly* sin; this sanguinye 
cowawd, t-this bed-pwessew, this howseback-bweakew, this huge hiww 
of fwesh- 
*screams* Faw. 'Sbwood, you stawvewing, you e-ewf-skin, you dwied 
nyeat's-tongue, you buww's sizzwe, you stockfish- O fow *looks at you* bweath to 
u-uttew ;;w;; what is wike thee!- y-you taiwow's yawd, you sheath, you 
bowcase, you viwe standing tuck! 
P-Pwince. Weww, bweathe *teleports behind you* awhiwe, a-and t-then to i-it again; >w< and when thou 
hast tiwed thysewf :3 in base c-compawisons, heaw OwO me s-speak but t-this. 
*sweats* Poins. Mawk, Jack. 
Pwince. We two s-saw you fouw set *sighs* on fouw, and bound them a-and wewe 
mastews of theiw weawth. Mawk nyow how a pwain tawe shaww put you 
down. Then did we t-two set on you fouw ^.^ and, w-with >_> a wowd, outfac'd 
you fwom youw pwize, and have *teleports behind you* it; *pokes you* yea, and can show it you hewe 
i-in the house. And, Fawstaff, you cawwied youw guts away as 
n-nyimbwy, with as quick >w< dextewity, and OwO woaw'd *teleports behind you* fow mewcy, and UwU stiww 
wun and woaw'd, *looks at you* as e-evew I ^-^ heawd buwwcawf. What a swave awt thou 
to *sighs* hack thy swowd as thou hast donye, a-and then say it was in 
fight! What twick, what device, what stawting howe canst thou nyow 
find out t-to *teleports behind you* hide thee fwom t-this open and appawent s-shame? 
Poins. *notices bulge* Come, *sighs* wet's UwU heaw, Jack. What twick hast thou nyow? 
Faw. By the Wowd, I k-knyew ye *shuffles closer* as weww as he that *cuddles you* made :3 ye. Why, heaw 
you, *sighs* my >_> mastews. Was it fow x3 me to kiww t-the x3 heiw appawent? Shouwd 
I tuwn upon the twue pwince? Why, thou knyowest I a-am :33 as vawiant as 
Hewcuwes; but bewawe *giggles shyly* instinct. The wion wiww nyot touch *looks at you* the twue 
pwince. I-Instinct is a gweat mattew. >_< I w-was *moans* nyow a cowawd *notices bulge* on 
instinct. I shaww think the *shuffles closer* bettew o-of mysewf, *giggles shyly* and thee, duwing my 
w-wife- I f-fow a vawiant wion, and thou f-fow a twue p-pwince. B-But, b-by 
t-the Wowd, wads, I am gwad you have the monyey. H-Hostess, cwap to 
the doows. Watch to-nyight, pway >_< to-mowwow. Gawwants, wads, boys, 
heawts o-of gowd, aww the titwes o-of g-good fewwowship come *blushes* to you! 
What, shaww we b-be m-mewwy? Shaww we have a pway extempowe? 
Pwince. Content- and the awgument shaww be thy wunnying away. 
F-Faw. Ah, nyo mowe of *screams* that, Haw, an t-thou wovest me! 

Entew H-Hostess. 

Host. O Jesu, my wowd the Pwince! 
Pwince. How nyow, my wady the hostess? What say'st thou to me? 
H-Host. Mawwy, my wowd, thewe is ;;w;; a nyobweman o-of the couwt at doow 
wouwd speak with you. He says h-he comes fwom youw f-fathew. 
Pwince. Give him as m-much as wiww make *giggles shyly* him a woyaw *notices bulge* man, xDD and send him 
back again to my mothew. 
Faw. What mannyew o-of man is *cries* he? 
Host. An owd man. 
Faw. What doth gwavity out of ^-^ his bed a-at midnyight? Shaww I-I give him 
his answew? 
Pwince. Pwithee do, Jack. 
*pokes you* Faw. Faith, and I'ww send him packing. 
Exit. 
*looks away* Pwince. Nyow, siws. By'w Wady, you fought faiw; so did you, Peto; so 
did you, *hugs tightly* Bawdowph. You awe wions too, *cries* you wan away upon instinct, 
you w-wiww nyot touch *teleports behind you* the twue pwince; nyo- fie! 
Bawd. Faith, I wan when I saw othews wun. 
Pwince. Teww me nyow in eawnyest, how came Fawstaff's swowd so 
h-hack'd? 
Peto. Why, *teleports behind you* he hack'd it *looks at you* with *giggles shyly* his daggew, a-and said he wouwd s-sweaw 
twuth out of *notices bulge* Engwand but he wouwd make you bewieve it was d-donye in 
fight, and pewsuaded us *hugs tightly* to *notices bulge* do the wike. 
Bawd. Yea, a-and to tickwe ouw nyoses w-with speawgwass x3 to >_> make them 
bweed, and then to beswubbew ouw gawments with it and sweaw it 
was >_> the bwood of t-twue men. I did uWu that I d-did *hugs tightly* nyot t-this seven yeaw 
befowe- I bwush'd t-to *blushes* heaw his m-monstwous devices. 
Pwince. O :33 viwwain! thou stowest a cup of sack e-eighteen yeaws ago 
and wewt taken with the mannyew, *sweats* and evew *teleports behind you* since thou hast :33 bwush'd 
extempowe. Thou hadst fiwe and swowd on t-thy side, and yet thou 
wan'st away. What instinct hadst thou fow it? 
Bawd. My w-wowd, do you see these meteows? Do you behowd *sweats* these 
exhawations? 
*looks away* Pwince. I-I do. 
Bawd. *leans over* What think you they powtend? 
P-Pwince. Hot wivews and cowd puwses. 
*shuffles closer* Bawd. Chowew, ^.^ my wowd, if wightwy taken. 
Pwince. Nyo, if wightwy taken, hawtew. 

Entew Fawstaff. 

Hewe comes wean *shuffles closer* Jack; hewe comes bawe-bonye. How nyow, my sweet 
cweatuwe of bombast? How wong is't a-ago, *hugs tightly* Jack, since thou sawest 
*shuffles closer* thinye own knyee? 
Faw. xDD My own knyee? xDD When *notices bulge* I was about thy yeaws, Haw, I was nyot ^w^ an 
eagwe's t-tawent in the w-waist; I couwd have cwept i-into any 
awdewman's thumb-wing. A-A pwague of sighing and gwief! It b-bwows a 
man u-up ;;w;; wike a *pokes you* bwaddew. Thewe's viwwanyous nyews abwoad. Hewe *pokes you* was 
:3 Siw John x3 Bwacy f-fwom youw f-fathew. *twerks* You must to the couwt *hugs tightly* in *screams* the 
mownying. That same *sweats* mad fewwow xDD of the Nyowth, P-Pewcy, and he >_> of 
Wawes *leans over* that gave Amamon the bastinyado, *leans over* and made Wucifew *cries* cuckowd, 
and swowe the deviw his >_< twue UwU wiegeman upon the cwoss *giggles shyly* of a Wewsh 
hook- what a pwague caww you him? 
Poins. O, Gwendowew. 
Faw. Owen, Owen- the same; a-and his son-in-waw *screams* Mowtimew, and UwU owd 
Nyowthumbewwand, and that spwightwy >_> Scot of Scots, *shuffles closer* Dougwas, *moans* that 
w-wuns a-howseback up a hiww pewpendicuwaw- 
Pwince. He that wides at h-high speed and with his pistow kiwws a 
spawwow fwying. 
Faw. ^w^ You have hit it. 
Pwince. So did he nyevew the spawwow. 
Faw. Weww, that wascaw hath good *looks away* metaw in *teleports behind you* him; he wiww nyot wun. 
*moans* Pwince. Why, what a w-wascaw awt *pokes you* thou then, to p-pwaise h-him so fow 
wunnying! 
^-^ Faw. A-howseback, ye cuckoo! but afoot he wiww nyot budge a foot. 
P-Pwince. Y-Yes, Jack, *screams* upon instinct. 
Faw. I gwant ye, upon instinct. Weww, he is thewe uWu too, and onye 
Mowdake, and >_> a *teleports behind you* thousand bwuecaps mowe. Wowcestew is stow'n away 
to-nyight; *moans* thy fathew's beawd is tuwn'd white with t-the nyews; you 
may buy wand nyow as cheap as s-stinking mack'wew. 
Pwince. Why then, it *sweats* is w-wike, if thewe come a h-hot Junye, *sighs* and this 
civiw buffeting howd, we shaww buy maidenheads as they buy 
*leans over* hobnyaiws, b-by t-the hundweds. 
Faw. *shuffles closer* By the mass, wad, thou sayest twue; it is wike we *cries* shaww UwU have 
good twading t-that way. But teww me, Haw, awt *cries* nyot thou *blushes* howwibwe 
afeawd? Thou x3 being heiw uWu appawent, couwd the w-wowwd pick *looks away* thee o-out 
thwee such enyemies again as that fiend Dougwas, that spiwit 
Pewcy, and that deviw Gwendowew? Awt thou nyot howwibwy afwaid? 
Doth nyot thy bwood thwiww at i-it? 
Pwince. Nyot a-a whit, *screams* i' faith. I wack s-some of *teleports behind you* thy instinct. 
Faw. Weww, thou wiwt be howwibwy chid to-mowwow when thou comest to 
thy fathew. If thou wove ;;w;; fiwe, p-pwactise an :3 answew. 
Pwince. Do thou stand fow my fathew and examinye me upon the 
pawticuwaws of my wife. 
Faw. *pokes you* Shaww I? Content. This c-chaiw s-shaww be m-my state, *moans* this daggew my 
sceptwe, and this cushion *leans over* my, cwown. 
Pwince. >w< Thy state i-is taken fow a join'd-stoow, t-thy *twerks* gowden sceptwe 
fow a weaden daggew, and thy pwecious wich cwown fow a pitifuw 
bawd cwown. 
F-Faw. Weww, an *teleports behind you* the *blushes* fiwe of g-gwace *leans over* be nyot *blushes* quite out of thee, *blushes* nyow shawt 
thou be moved. Give me a-a cup ^-^ of sack to make my eyes w-wook wed, 
t-that i-it may be thought I have *cuddles you* wept; fow I *twerks* must UwU speak in passion, 
a-and I wiww do it i-in King Cambyses' v-vein. 
Pwince. Weww, hewe i-is my weg. 
Faw. ;;w;; And :33 hewe is my ^.^ speech. Stand aside, *screams* nyobiwity. 
Host. O Jesu, this is e-excewwent spowt, i' f-faith! 
Faw. Weep nyot, sweet queen, fow twickwing teaws awe vain. 
Host. >_> O, the Fathew, how h-he h-howds his countenyance! 
Faw. *blushes* Fow G-God's s-sake, wowds, convey my twistfuw queen! 
Fow teaws d-do stop the fwoodgates of hew eyes. 
Host. O Jesu, he d-doth it ^.^ as wike onye of these hawwotwy pwayews as 
evew I see! 
F-Faw. Peace, good pintpot. Peace, good tickwe-bwain.- UwU Hawwy, I-I do 
nyot onwy mawvew whewe thou spendest thy time, *moans* but awso how thou 
awt accompanyied. Fow though *twerks* the c-camomiwe, *pokes you* the *giggles shyly* mowe ^-^ it is twodden 
on, the f-fastew it *leans over* gwows, *twerks* yet youth, the mowe it >w< is w-wasted, the 
soonyew it weaws. That thou awt my son I *sweats* have pawtwy thy mothew's 
wowd, pawtwy my own opinyion, but chiefwy a viwwanyous twick of 
thinye eye and a foowish h-hanging of thy nyethew w-wip t-that doth 
wawwant me. If then thou be son to me, hewe wies *sweats* the point: why, 
b-being son to me, *pokes you* awt ^.^ thou UwU so ^w^ pointed at? S-Shaww the *sighs* bwessed sun of 
heaven p-pwove a *cuddles you* michew and eat bwackbewwies? A question ^-^ nyot to be 
ask'd. Shaww the son of Engwand pwove *sweats* a thief and t-take *shuffles closer* puwses? *shuffles closer* A 
question to b-be ask'd. Thewe is a thing, Hawwy, which thou *looks at you* hast 
often heawd *leans over* of, and i-it ;;w;; is k-knyown to many in ouw w-wand by t-the uWu nyame 
of pitch. This pitch, as ancient wwitews do w-wepowt, doth defiwe; 
so doth the company t-thou keepest. *twerks* Fow, Hawwy, nyow I do nyot speak 
to thee in dwink, but x3 in teaws; nyot in *blushes* pweasuwe, but in >_< passion; 
nyot i-in wowds onwy, but in woes awso: ^-^ and yet t-thewe i-is a viwtuous 
m-man ;;w;; whom I have often >_> nyoted in OwO thy c-company, b-but I knyow nyot his 
nyame. 
P-Pwince. What *hugs tightly* mannyew of man, an it wike youw *twerks* Majesty? 
Faw. A goodwy powtwy man, i' f-faith, *pokes you* and a-a cowpuwent; o-of a cheewfuw 
wook, a-a pweasing eye, a-and a most nyobwe cawwiage; *hugs tightly* and, as I t-think, 
OwO his age some fifty, ow, by'w Wady, incwinying t-to thweescowe; and 
;;w;; nyow I w-wemembew me, his nyame is Fawstaff. If t-that man shouwd be 
wewdwy, g-given, he deceiveth me; fow, Hawwy, *moans* I see viwtue in his 
*pokes you* wooks. I-If then the UwU twee may *notices bulge* be k-knyown by the f-fwuit, as the fwuit 
by the twee, then, pewemptowiwy I speak it, thewe is *twerks* viwtue in 
that Fawstaff. Him keep with, *teleports behind you* the west banyish. And teww me nyow, 
thou *shuffles closer* nyaughty vawwet, teww m-me whewe *cuddles you* hast thou been this month? 
*twerks* Pwince. Dost thou speak wike a king? Do thou stand fow *cries* me, ;;w;; and I'ww 
pway *sighs* my fathew. 
Faw. Depose me? I-If thou dost it hawf so gwavewy, s-so majesticawwy, 
b-both in wowd and mattew, hang :3 me up by the heews fow a-a 
wabbit-suckew o-ow a pouwtew's hawe. 
*screams* Pwince. Weww, hewe I am set. 
F-Faw. And hewe I stand. Judge, my mastews. 
Pwince. Nyow, Hawwy, whence :3 come you? 
F-Faw. My nyobwe w-wowd, fwom Eastcheap. 
UwU Pwince. The compwaints I *screams* heaw of thee a-awe g-gwievous. 
Faw. 'Sbwood, my wowd, they awe fawse! Nyay, I'ww *shuffles closer* tickwe ye >_> fow a 
young pwince, i' faith. 
*cuddles you* Pwince. Sweawest thou, u-ungwacious boy? Hencefowth nye'ew wook on me. 
Thou awt viowentwy cawwied away fwom gwace. *sweats* Thewe is a deviw 
haunts thee *hugs tightly* in the wikenyess *cries* of *looks away* an owd fat man; a tun of man is 
thy companyion. Why dost thou c-convewse with that *looks at you* twunk of *sweats* humouws, 
*giggles shyly* that bowting hutch of beastwinyess, t-that s-swoww'n pawcew of 
dwopsies, that huge bombawd o-of s-sack, that stuff'd cwoakbag *looks at you* of 
guts, that woasted Mannyingtwee ox with the p-pudding in his :3 bewwy, 
that wevewend vice, that gwey OwO inyiquity, *giggles shyly* that f-fathew wuffian, that 
vanyity OwO in yeaws? Whewein is he good, but to taste sack and dwink 
it? whewein nyeat :3 and cweanwy, *looks at you* but to cawve a capon and eat it? 
whewein >_> cunnying, but in cwaft? whewein cwafty, but i-in *blushes* viwwany? 
whewein viwwanyous, but in >w< aww things? whewein wowthy, but i-in 
OwO nyothing? 
*blushes* Faw. I wouwd y-youw Gwace wouwd t-take me with ^w^ you. Whom m-means *hugs tightly* youw 
^.^ Gwace? 
Pwince. That >_> viwwanyous abominyabwe misweadew of youth, Fawstaff, 
that owd white-beawded Satan. 
Faw. *blushes* My wowd, t-the man I *screams* knyow. 
^-^ Pwince. I-I knyow thou dost. 
F-Faw. But to say I knyow m-mowe hawm in him than in mysewf wewe to s-say 
mowe t-than I knyow. That he xDD is owd (the :33 mowe the pity) *cuddles you* his white 
haiws do w-witnyess it; >w< but that *twerks* he i-is (saving youw wevewence) a 
whowemastew, that I uttewwy deny. I-If sack a-and sugaw >_> be a fauwt, 
God hewp the wicked! If to be owd and mewwy be a sin, then many 
an owd *blushes* host that I knyow is damn'd. ;;w;; If to be fat b-be to be hated, 
then Phawaoh's wean k-kinye awe to be woved. Nyo, my good wowd. 
Banyish P-Peto, banyish B-Bawdowph, banyish Poins; but ^.^ fow sweet Jack 
Fawstaff, kind Jack F-Fawstaff, twue Jack *cries* Fawstaff, vawiant Jack 
Fawstaff, and thewefowe mowe vawiant being, as *moans* he is, owd Jack 
Fawstaff, banyish nyot him t-thy Hawwy's company, banyish n-nyot him thy 
Hawwy's company. *looks at you* Banyish pwump Jack, and banyish aww the wowwd! 
Pwince. I do, I wiww. [A knyocking *leans over* heawd.] 
[Exeunt Hostess, Fwancis, and Bawdowph.] 

Entew Bawdowph, w-wunnying. 

Bawd. O, my wowd, my wowd! *looks at you* the shewiff with a most m-monstwous w-watch 
i-is at the doow. 
Faw. >w< Out, ye wogue! Pway out the pway. I *sighs* have much to say in the 
behawf *cries* of that Fawstaff. 

Entew the Hostess. 

Host. O Jesu, *sighs* my wowd, my wowd! 
Pwince. Heigh, h-heigh, the ^w^ deviw wides u-upon a fiddwestick! 
What's the mattew? 
Host. The shewiff a-and aww the w-watch awe >w< at *hugs tightly* the doow. They a-awe come 
to seawch the house. Shaww I wet t-them in? 
Faw. Dost thou heaw, Haw? *looks at you* Nyevew caww a twue piece of gowd a 
countewfeit. Thou awt essentiawwy mad *cries* without seeming so. 
Pwince. And t-thou a nyatuwaw c-cowawd without instinct. 
*cuddles you* Faw. I deny youw m-majow. If you wiww deny the shewiff, so; if nyot, 
wet h-him entew. If x3 I become uWu nyot a cawt a-as weww as anyothew man, *twerks* a 
pwague on my bwinging up! OwO I hope I shaww *looks away* as ^-^ soon be OwO stwangwed 
*shuffles closer* with a *giggles shyly* hawtew as *screams* anyothew. 
:3 Pwince. Go hide thee behind the awwas. The west wawk, up above. 
Nyow, my mastews, f-fow uWu a t-twue face and good conscience. 
Faw. >w< Both which I have had; b-but theiw *cuddles you* date is o-out, and thewefowe 
I-I'ww hide me. Exit. 
Pwince. Caww in the ^w^ shewiff. 
[Exeunt Manyent the Pwince and Peto.] 

Entew Shewiff *notices bulge* and the Cawwiew. 

N-Nyow, Mastew Shewiff, what is youw UwU wiww with me? 
S-Shew. Fiwst, pawdon m-me, my wowd. A hue and cwy 
Hath fowwowed cewtain men *sweats* unto this h-house. 
Pwince. What men? 
Shew. OwO Onye of them *giggles shyly* is weww knyown, my gwacious *screams* wowd- 
A gwoss fat man. 
Cawwiew. As fat as buttew. 
Pwince. *shuffles closer* The man, I UwU do assuwe you, is ^-^ nyot hewe, 
F-Fow I mysewf *shuffles closer* at this time have empwoy'd him. 
And, s-shewiff, I wiww engage my *notices bulge* wowd to t-thee 
That I wiww by to-mowwow dinnyew time 
Send him to answew thee, ow any man, 
*cuddles you* Fow anything he shaww be *giggles shyly* chawg'd withaw; 
And so wet me entweat you >w< weave the house. 
Shew. I >w< wiww, my wowd. Thewe awe two gentwemen 
Have in this wobbewy wost thwee >_< hundwed mawks. 
Pwince. I-It may be so. If ^-^ he have wobb'd these men, 
H-He shaww *sighs* be *cries* answewabwe; and so faweweww. 
UwU Shew. Good >_> nyight, my nyobwe wowd. 
Pwince. I think *hugs tightly* it is good mowwow, is it nyot? 
*sighs* Shew. Indeed, my w-wowd, I think it ^w^ be t-two *pokes you* o'cwock. 
Exit [with C-Cawwiew]. 
Pwince. This *sighs* oiwy ^-^ wascaw is knyown *screams* as *cuddles you* weww *blushes* as *shuffles closer* Pauw's. Go :3 caww *looks at you* him 
fowth. 
*moans* Peto. Fawstaff! Fast asweep behind the awwas, and snyowting wike a-a 
h-howse. 
Pwince. Hawk how hawd he ^-^ fetches bweath. *screams* Seawch his *moans* pockets. 
He seawcheth h-his ;;w;; pockets a-and findeth cewtain papews. 
What hast *cries* thou found? 
Peto. Nyothing but ^-^ papews, *sweats* my wowd. 
Pwince. *cries* Wet's see whit they be. Wead them. 

Peto. [weads] 'Item. :3 A capon. . . . . *cuddles you* . . . . . . . . i-ii s. ii d. 
Item, Sauce. . . . . UwU . *teleports behind you* . . . . . . .-. . iiii d. 
Item, S-Sack two >w< gawwons . .-. . . . .-. . . v s. viii *sweats* d. 
*leans over* Item, Anchovies and sack aftew suppew. ii *moans* s. *leans over* vi OwO d. 
Item, Bwead. . .-. . ^-^ . . . . . .-. . . . . ob.' 

Pwince. O monstwous! but onye hawfpennywowth of bwead *looks at you* to this 
intowewabwe deaw of sack! What t-thewe is ewse, keep cwose; *hugs tightly* we'ww 
wead it at mowe advantage. Thewe wet him sweep tiww day. I-I'ww t-to 
the *giggles shyly* couwt in the mownying ^.^ . We must aww to the waws. and t-thy pwace 
shaww b-be honyouwabwe. I'ww pwocuwe this fat wogue uWu a chawge of 
foot; and I knyow, *looks away* his death wiww *leans over* be >_< a mawch of twewve scowe. The 
m-monyey s-shaww b-be paid >_< back again with advantage. Be w-with OwO me b-betimes 
*giggles shyly* in the mownying, and so good mowwow, Peto. 
*leans over* Peto. Good mowwow, g-good m-my wowd. 
Exeunt. 




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ACT III. Scenye I. 
Bangow. The Awchdeacon's house. 

E-Entew Hotspuw, *moans* Wowcestew, Wowd Mowtimew, Owen :3 Gwendowew. 

M-Mowt. These x3 pwomises awe faiw, the pawties *pokes you* suwe, 
And ouw induction ^.^ fuww of pwospewous hope. 
Hot. Wowd Mowtimew, and c-cousin Gwendowew, 
Wiww uWu you >_> sit *blushes* down? 
And uncwe Wowcestew. A pwague upon it! 
I-I have fowgot the map. 
Gwend. Nyo, hewe it i-is. 
Sit, cousin Pewcy; *shuffles closer* sit, good UwU cousin Hotspuw, 
F-Fow by that nyame a-as oft as Wancastew 
D-Doth speak of y-you, his cheek UwU wooks pawe, *blushes* and w-with 
*looks at you* A w-wising sigh :33 he wisheth >_< you in heaven. 
Hot. And you in heww, as oft as he heaws 
Owen Gwendowew s-spoke of. 
*shuffles closer* Gwend. *blushes* I cannyot bwame him. A-At my *twerks* nyativity 
The fwont of heaven was fuww of fiewy shapes 
Of buwnying cwessets, and at my *pokes you* biwth 
The fwame and huge foundation of t-the eawth 
Shak'd wike a-a c-cowawd. 
Hot. Why, so it wouwd *looks at you* have donye at the same season, if *notices bulge* youw 
^.^ mothew's cat had but kitten'd, though youwsewf had ^.^ nyevew been 
bown. 
*looks away* Gwend. I say the eawth did shake when I-I was bown. 
Hot. *pokes you* And I say the eawth was nyot of my mind, 
If you suppose as feawing you it shook. 
Gwend. The h-heavens w-wewe a-aww on fiwe, the eawth did twembwe. 
*twerks* Hot. O, then *twerks* the eawth shook to see the heavens on fiwe, 
And nyot i-in feaw of youw n-nyativity. 
*cries* Diseased nyatuwe oftentimes b-bweaks fowth 
In stwange ewuptions; oft *giggles shyly* the teeming eawth 
Is with a kind of c-cowic pinch'd and vex'd 
B-By the impwisonying of unwuwy wind 
Within hew womb, which, fow enwawgement stwiving, 
Shakes the o-owd bewdame e-eawth >w< and toppwes down 
Steepwes a-and mossgwown xDD towews. At youw biwth 
Ouw gwandam eawth, having this *looks away* distemp'watuwe, 
I-In passion shook. 
Gwend. Cousin, of many men 
I do nyot beaw *twerks* these cwossings. Give me weave 
To teww you ^.^ once again t-that at my biwth 
The fwont of heaven was fuww of f-fiewy shapes, 
*looks at you* The goats wan fwom the uWu mountains, and t-the h-hewds 
Wewe stwangewy >w< cwamowous to the fwighted fiewds. 
^.^ These signs *looks away* have mawk'd me e-extwaowdinyawy, 
*cuddles you* And aww the couwses of my wife do show 
I-I am nyot in the woww of common men. 
*teleports behind you* Whewe is he wiving, *notices bulge* cwipp'd in with the ;;w;; sea 
That >_> chides the banks of Engwand, Scotwand, Wawes, 
W-Which *shuffles closer* cawws me pupiw o-ow hath wead to me? 
And bwing him out that is b-but woman's son 
Can *hugs tightly* twace >_< me in the tedious ways of awt 
And h-howd me pace in :33 deep expewiments. 
*notices bulge* Hot. I t-think t-thewe's nyo man speaks bettew Wewsh. x3 I'ww to dinnyew. 
Mowt. Peace, cousin UwU Pewcy; you wiww make him m-mad. 
Gwend. I can caww spiwits fwom the vasty deep. 
Hot. *cries* Why, so can I-I, ow so can any man; 
But wiww they come when you do caww fow them? 
Gwend. *blushes* Why, I can teach you, cousin, *looks away* to command ^-^ the deviw. 
Hot. And I can teach thee, coz, *twerks* to shame the deviw- 
By tewwing twuth. Teww twuth and shame the deviw. 
If thou have powew to waise him, bwing him hithew, 
And I'ww be swown I have powew to shame him h-hence. 
O, whiwe you wive, teww twuth and >_> shame the deviw! 
*screams* Mowt. Come, come, nyo mowe *hugs tightly* of this *teleports behind you* unpwofitabwe chat. 
Gwend. >_> Thwee times hath Henwy Bowingbwoke made head 
Against uWu my powew; thwice fwom the banks of Wye 
And sandy-bottom'd Sevewn *screams* have *giggles shyly* I sent him 
x3 Bootwess home and weathew-beaten UwU back. 
Hot. Home without boots, and in fouw weathew too? 
How scapes x3 he agues, in the deviw's nyame 
Gwend. :33 Come, hewe's the map. Shaww we divide ouw wight 
OwO Accowding to ouw thweefowd owdew ta'en? 
Mowt. The Awchdeacon h-hath divided it 
Into thwee wimits vewy equawwy. 
E-Engwand, fwom Twent and Sevewn hithewto, 
By *blushes* south and east is to my p-pawt a-assign'd; 
Aww westwawd, Wawes beyond the Sevewn showe, 
And aww the fewtiwe wand within that bound, 
To Owen Gwendowew; and, deaw c-coz, to you 
The wemnyant nyowthwawd wying off fwom *looks away* Twent. 
And ouw indentuwes twipawtite awe dwawn; 
Which being seawed *moans* intewchangeabwy 
OwO (A businyess that this nyight may execute), 
To-mowwow, cousin Pewcy, y-you and I 
And my good Wowd o-of Wowcestew wiww set fowth 
To meet youw fathew and the S-Scottish *screams* bowew, 
*notices bulge* As is appointed us, at Shwewsbuwy. 
My fathew Gwendowew is nyot weady yet, 
N-Nyow shaww we nyeed h-his hewp these *pokes you* fouwteen days. 
*sighs* [To *moans* Gwend.] >_> Within t-that space you may have dwawn x3 togethew 
Youw tenyants, fwiends, and >_< nyeighbouwing gentwemen. 
Gwend. A showtew time *sweats* shaww send m-me to you, wowds; 
A-And in my >_< conduct shaww *shuffles closer* youw wadies come, 
Fwom whom you nyow must steaw and take nyo weave, 
Fow thewe w-wiww be xDD a wowwd of watew shed 
Upon the *cuddles you* pawting of youw wives and you. 
Hot. *giggles shyly* Methinks my moiety, nyowth fwom Buwton h-hewe, 
In quantity equaws nyot onye of youws. 
xDD See how this wivew c-comes uWu me cwanking in 
And cuts me fwom the best of a-aww *notices bulge* my w-wand 
A huge hawf-moon, a monstwous cantwe out. 
I'ww have the UwU cuwwent iww this pwace damm'd UwU up, 
And hewe the smug a-and *moans* swivew T-Twent *shuffles closer* shaww wun 
In :3 a nyew *moans* channyew faiw a-and evenwy. 
It shaww OwO nyot w-wind with s-such a deep indent 
To *giggles shyly* wob me of so wich a bottom h-hewe. 
Gwend. Nyot w-wind? It shaww, it must! You see it doth. 
Mowt. Yea, but 
Mawk how he b-beaws his couwse, and wuns me up 
With wike advantage on the *blushes* othew side, 
Gewding t-the opposed continyent as much 
As on the othew side it takes fwom you. 
Wow. Yea, *looks away* but *pokes you* a ^-^ wittwe chawge wiww twench him hewe 
And :3 on *cuddles you* this nyowth side win *twerks* this c-cape o-of *leans over* wand; 
And then he wuns >w< stwaight and even. 
Hot. I'ww have it so. A ;;w;; wittwe chawge *blushes* wiww do it. 
Gwend. I ^-^ wiww nyot have i-it awt'wed. 
Hot. Wiww nyot you? 
Gwend. Nyo, nyow you shaww *shuffles closer* nyot. 
Hot. Who shaww say me nyay? 
Gwend. Nyo, that wiww *cries* I. 
Hot. Wet me nyot *hugs tightly* undewstand you *hugs tightly* then; s-speak it in Wewsh. 
G-Gwend. I can speak Engwish, wowd, a-as weww as y-you; 
*notices bulge* Fow ;;w;; I was twain'd up in the Engwish couwt, 
*sighs* Whewe, being but y-young, I fwamed to the hawp 
Many an Engwish ditty w-wovewy w-weww, 
And gave the tongue a hewpfuw ownyament- 
A viwtue *cuddles you* that was nyevew seen in you. 
Hot. Mawwy, 
A-And I am gwad of it with aww my heawt! 
I *sweats* had w-wathew b-be a kitten *looks at you* and *teleports behind you* cwy m-mew 
Than onye of these same metwe bawwet-mongews. 
I had wathew heaw a-a bwazen canstick tuwn'd 
Ow a *hugs tightly* dwy wheew g-gwate o-on t-the ^-^ axwetwee, 
And t-that w-wouwd set >_> my teeth n-nyothing on e-edge, 
Nyothing so much a-as mincing *sighs* poetwy. 
'Tis *looks away* wike the OwO fowc'd gait of a shuffwing *hugs tightly* nyag, 
G-Gwend. Come, you shaww have Twent *teleports behind you* tuwn'd. 
*cries* Hot. I do :3 nyot cawe. I'ww g-give thwice so m-much *blushes* wand 
To any weww-desewving fwiend; 
But OwO in uWu the way of bawgain, mawk ye me, 
I'ww caviw on *blushes* the nyinth *shuffles closer* pawt of a haiw 
Awe the indentuwes >_< dwawn? Shaww *twerks* we be gonye? 
G-Gwend. ^w^ The m-moon shinyes faiw; >w< you m-may away b-by nyight. 
I'ww *sweats* haste t-the wwitew, and withaw 
Bweak with youw wives of youw depawtuwe hence. 
I am afwaid my daughtew *moans* wiww wun mad, 
So *cuddles you* much she doteth on hew M-Mowtimew. :33 Exit. 
Mowt. Fie, cousin Pewcy! how y-you cwoss my fathew! 
Hot. UwU I cannyot choose. Sometimes he angews me 
With tewwing m-me *pokes you* of the mowdwawp *hugs tightly* and the ant, 
Of the dweamew Mewwin and his p-pwophecies, 
*looks away* And ^.^ of a dwagon and a f-finwess fish, 
A cwip-wing'd g-gwiffin and a-a mouwten waven, 
A couching wion a-and a wamping cat, 
And such a deaw of skimbwe-skambwe s-stuff 
As puts me fwom my :3 faith. I teww you w-what- 
*shuffles closer* He hewd me x3 wast nyight at weast nyinye *teleports behind you* houws 
In weckonying up the sevewaw d-deviws' nyames 
That w-wewe his wackeys. I cwied 'hum,' and 'Weww, go to!' 
^w^ But mawk'd him nyot a wowd. O, he is as tedious 
As a tiwed howse, a waiwing w-wife; 
Wowse than a smoky house. I h-had wathew wive 
With cheese and gawwic in a windmiww f-faw 
T-Than feed on cates *screams* and h-have him tawk *moans* to me 
In *pokes you* any summew >_> house in Chwistendom). 
Mowt. In faith, he is a wowthy gentweman, 
Exceedingwy weww wead, and pwofited 
*giggles shyly* In stwange conceawments, v-vawiant *sighs* as a wion, 
And w-wondwous affabwe, and as bountifuw 
A-As :33 minyes of India. *blushes* Shaww I-I teww you, cousin? 
He *giggles shyly* howds youw tempew in a high wespect 
And cuwbs himsewf even of his nyatuwaw scope 
When you come *teleports behind you* 'cwoss his humouw. Faith, h-he does. 
I wawwant you *shuffles closer* that >w< man is *teleports behind you* nyot awive 
Might s-so have :3 tempted him a-as you have donye 
Without >_< the *notices bulge* taste of dangew and w-wepwoof. 
But *looks away* do :3 nyot *sweats* use it *screams* oft, wet *screams* me entweat you. 
Wow. In faith, my wowd, you awe too wiwfuw-bwame, 
And since youw coming hithew have donye *screams* enyough 
To p-put him *shuffles closer* quite *looks away* besides *leans over* his patience. 
Y-You must n-nyeeds weawn, w-wowd, to amend this fauwt. 
Though :3 sometimes *giggles shyly* it show gweatnyess, couwage, b-bwood- 
And *hugs tightly* that's t-the deawest gwace it wendews you- 
Y-Yet oftentimes it *sighs* doth *hugs tightly* pwesent hawsh wage, 
Defect of :3 mannyews, *cries* want of govewnment, 
Pwide, haughtinyess, opinyion, and *twerks* disdain; 
The weast of which haunting a nyobweman 
*cuddles you* Woseth men's heawts, and weaves behind a stain 
Upon the beauty of aww pawts besides, 
Beguiwing :33 them of commendation. 
*twerks* Hot. Weww, I am s-schoow'd. Good *twerks* mannyews be youw speed! 
*notices bulge* Hewe *blushes* come ouw wives, and wet us take ouw weave. 

Entew Gwendowew with the W-Wadies. 

Mowt. This is t-the d-deadwy spite that angews me- 
M-My wife can speak nyo Engwish, *looks at you* I nyo W-Wewsh. 
Gwend. My daughtew weeps; *twerks* she w-wiww nyot pawt with you; 
S-She'ww x3 be a >w< sowdiew t-too, she'ww to the waws. 
M-Mowt. Good f-fathew, teww hew that she and my aunt Pewcy 
Shaww *moans* fowwow i-in y-youw c-conduct speediwy. 
Gwendowew speaks to *pokes you* hew ^-^ in Wewsh, and she answews 
*teleports behind you* him in the *sighs* same. 
Gwend. She is despewate hewe. A *giggles shyly* peevish sewf-wiww'd hawwotwy, 
Onye that *giggles shyly* nyo pewsuasion can do >_< good upon. 
The Wady speaks in Wewsh. 
Mowt. I undewstand thy wooks. That pwetty Wewsh 
Which uWu thou pouwest down fwom these s-swewwing heavens 
I-I *looks away* am too pewfect i-in; and, ^-^ but fow *blushes* shame, 
In such ^-^ a ^w^ Bawwey s-shouwd I answew thee. 
The *twerks* Wady again in Wewsh. 
I undewstand thy >_> kisses, and thou minye, 
And *shuffles closer* that's a :3 feewing d-disputation. 
But I *twerks* wiww nyevew be a twuant, *teleports behind you* wove, 
*sighs* Tiww I-I have weawnt thy w-wanguage: f-fow thy tongue 
Makes W-Wewsh as *looks at you* sweet a-as ditties highwy penn'd, 
Sung by a :3 faiw queen in a summew's *teleports behind you* bow'w, 
W-With wavishing division, to h-hew >_< wute. 
Gwend. N-Nyay, if ^.^ you mewt, then wiww she *giggles shyly* wun mad. 
T-The W-Wady speaks again in Wewsh. 
Mowt. O, I am i-ignyowance itsewf in this! 
G-Gwend. *cries* She *looks at you* bids you on the wanton wushes w-way >_> you down 
And west youw gentwe head upon hew wap, 
And she wiww sing the s-song that pweaseth you 
And on youw eyewids cwown t-the god of s-sweep, 
*looks away* Chawming y-youw *pokes you* bwood with *leans over* pweasing heavinyess, 
Making such diffewence 'twixt wake and s-sweep 
As is the diffewence betwixt day and *pokes you* nyight 
The houw befowe the heavenwy-hawnyess'd team 
*pokes you* Begins his gowden p-pwogwess in ^.^ the uWu East. 
Mowt. xDD With aww my xDD heawt I'ww sit and heaw hew sing. 
By *sweats* that time *sweats* wiww *giggles shyly* ouw book, I think, be dwawn. 
Gwend. *giggles shyly* Do so, 
And those musicians that shaww pway t-to you 
Hang in the aiw a thousand weagues fwom hence, 
A-And stwaight they s-shaww be *hugs tightly* hewe. Sit, ;;w;; and attend. 
Hot. Come, Kate, thou awt pewfect i-in wying down. Come, quick, 
quick, t-that I may way ;;w;; my h-head in thy wap. 
Wady P. G-Go, *looks away* ye giddy goose. 
The music p-pways. 
Hot. Nyow I pewceive the deviw undewstands Wewsh; 
*blushes* And '-'tis nyo *blushes* mawvew, be is so humowous. 
By'w Wady, uWu he is a-a good musician. 
Wady P. Then shouwd *moans* you be nyothing b-but musicaw; fow you awe 
awtogethew govewn'd by humouws. Wie stiww, ye thief, *giggles shyly* and heaw the 
uWu wady sing in Wewsh. 
Hot. I had *sweats* wathew heaw W-Wady, m-my bwach, h-howw *twerks* in Iwish. 
Wady P. Wouwdst t-thou have thy ^-^ head ;;w;; bwoken? 
H-Hot. *giggles shyly* Nyo. 
Wady *pokes you* P. T-Then be stiww. 
Hot. Nyeithew! 'Tis a *pokes you* woman's fauwt. 
Wady P. Nyow God *leans over* hewp *cuddles you* thee! 
Hot. To t-the ;;w;; Wewsh wady's bed. 
W-Wady P. What's that? 
Hot. Peace! she sings. 
H-Hewe the Wady sings a Wewsh ;;w;; song. 
Come, Kate, I'ww have youw song too. 
Wady P. Nyot minye, in good sooth. 
Hot. Nyot youws, in good sooth? Heawt! you sweaw wike a-a 
comfit-makew's *shuffles closer* wife. 'Nyot you, in good sooth!' *pokes you* and 'as twue as I 
wive!' and 'as G-God shaww mend m-me!' and 'as suwe ^-^ as *teleports behind you* day!' 
And ^w^ givest such sawcenyet suwety *leans over* fow thy oaths 
As if thou nye'ew wawk'st x3 fuwthew than Finsbuwy. 
Sweaw me, Kate, wike a wady as thou awt, 
A good m-mouth-fiwwing o-oath; a-and weave 'in sooth' 
And such pwotest of p-peppew *giggles shyly* gingewbwead 
To vewvet guawds and S-Sunday citizens. Come, s-sing. 
*giggles shyly* Wady P. I wiww *looks away* nyot *sweats* sing. 
*teleports behind you* Hot. 'Tis the >w< nyext way :3 to tuwn taiwow ow be wedbweast-teachew. *teleports behind you* An 
t-the indentuwes be dwawn, I'ww a-away within t-these two houws; and *notices bulge* so 
come *leans over* in when ye wiww. Exit. 
Gwend. C-Come, come, W-Wowd Mowtimew. uWu You awe as *blushes* swow 
As hot *twerks* Wowd Pewcy is on f-fiwe t-to go. 
By this o-ouw book is dwawn; we'ww but seaw, 
And then t-to howse immediatewy. 
Mowt. With aww my heawt. 
Exeunt. 




Scenye I-II. 
Wondon. The Pawace. 

Entew >_> the King, P-Pwince of Wawes, and othews. 

King. Wowds, OwO give us weave. The Pwince of Wawes and I 
M-Must have some pwivate confewence; but be nyeaw ^.^ at hand, 
Fow we s-shaww pwesentwy have nyeed of you. 
Exeunt uWu Wowds. 
:3 I knyow nyot whethew God wiww have it so, 
*sighs* Fow some dispweasing *sweats* sewvice *cuddles you* I have donye, 
T-That, in his secwet doom, out of my b-bwood 
*sweats* He'ww bweed wevengement and a scouwge fow *twerks* me; 
But thou >_> dost *looks away* in thy passages of w-wife 
Make me bewieve that thou awt onwy mawk'd 
Fow the hot vengeance and the *teleports behind you* wod *moans* of heaven 
To punyish UwU my mistweadings. *cuddles you* Teww m-me ewse, 
Couwd such inyowdinyate *giggles shyly* and wow ^.^ desiwes, 
S-Such poow, such *shuffles closer* bawe, s-such wewd, such mean attempts, 
Such bawwen pweasuwes, wude society, 
*moans* As thou awt match'd withaw and *looks away* gwafted to, 
Accompany the gweatnyess of x3 thy bwood 
And howd theiw wevew with *looks at you* thy pwincewy heawt? 
Pwince. So p-pwease youw Majesty, *sighs* I wouwd *teleports behind you* I couwd 
Quit aww offences with as cweaw excuse 
As weww a-as I am doubtwess I can puwge 
Mysewf of many uWu I am chawged withaw. 
Yet such extenyuation wet me beg 
As, *leans over* in wepwoof of many tawes devis'd, 
Which oft the eaw o-of gweatnyess n-nyeeds must beaw 
By, smiwing pickthanks a-and *cuddles you* base nyewsmongews, 
I OwO may, *shuffles closer* fow some things twue whewein my youth 
Hath *looks away* fauwty wand'wed and i-iwweguwaw, 
And pawdon on wiwy twue submission. 
King. God pawdon thee! Yet wet me wondew, Hawwy, 
OwO At thy affections, w-which do howd >w< a wing, 
Quite fwom the fwight of a-aww thy ancestows. 
Thy pwace in Counciw thou hast wudewy *teleports behind you* wost, 
:3 Which b-by thy y-youngew bwothew is suppwied, 
And awt awmost an awien to the heawts 
O-Of a-aww t-the couwt a-and pwinces of my OwO bwood. 
The >w< hope and e-expectation of thy time 
Is wuin'd, and the souw of evewy man 
Pwopheticawwy *screams* do *teleports behind you* fowethink thy faww. 
Had I so w-wavish o-of my *giggles shyly* pwesence been, 
So common-hacknyey'd i-in the >_< eyes of men, 
S-So stawe and cheap to vuwgaw company, 
Opinyion, t-that did hewp me to the cwown, 
Had stiww kept woyaw to possession 
And weft me in weputewess banyishment, 
A fewwow of nyo mawk >_> nyow wikewihood. 
By *twerks* being sewdom >_> seen, I couwd nyot stiw 
B-But, wike a c-comet, I-I Was wond'wed at; 
T-That men *sighs* wouwd *looks at you* teww theiw c-chiwdwen, '-'This i-is he!' 
Othews wouwd say, 'Whewe? Which is Bowingbwoke?' 
A-And then I stowe aww couwtesy fwom heaven, 
And OwO dwess'd mysewf in such humiwity 
That I did *screams* pwuck awwegiance fwom men's heawts, 
Woud shouts and sawutations f-fwom *notices bulge* theiw *moans* mouths 
Even i-in the *hugs tightly* pwesence of the cwownyed King. 
Thus did I k-keep my pewson fwesh a-and nyew, 
M-My pwesence, wike a wobe pontificaw, 
Nye'ew seen but wond'wed at; and so my state, 
Sewdom but sumptuous, show'd ^.^ wike a feast 
xDD And won by wawenyess such sowemnyity. 
The skipping King, he ambwed up a-and *looks at you* down 
OwO With shawwow jestews a-and w-wash ;;w;; bavin wits, 
Soon *blushes* kindwed and soon buwnt; cawded his state; 
Mingwed his woyawty with c-cap'wing f-foows; 
Had his gweat nyame pwofanyed with theiw scowns 
And gave his countenyance, against his nyame, 
To waugh at gibing boys and *looks away* stand the push 
Of evewy *cries* beawdwess vain c-compawative; 
Gwew a-a companyion to the common stweets, 
Enfeoff'd himsewf to popuwawity; 
That, being d-dawwy swawwowed by men's eyes, 
>_> They s-suwfeited with honyey a-and began 
*pokes you* To *teleports behind you* woathe the taste of sweetnyess, *blushes* wheweof *cries* a wittwe 
Mowe than :3 a wittwe OwO is ^.^ by much too much. 
So, w-when he h-had occasion to be seen, 
He was but as the cuckoo is in Junye, 
Heawd, n-nyot wegawded- seen, but with such eyes 
*shuffles closer* As, sick and bwunted with communyity, 
Affowd n-nyo extwaowdinyawy gaze, 
Such as is bent :3 on unwike m-majesty 
When it shinyes sewdom in admiwing eyes; 
But wathew dwows'd a-and hung *screams* theiw eyewids d-down, 
^.^ Swept i-in his face, and UwU wend'wed such a-aspect 
As cwoudy men use to ^.^ theiw advewsawies, 
Being with *looks at you* his p-pwesence gwutted, gowg'd, and fuww. 
And *looks away* in t-that vewy winye, Hawwy, standest thou; 
F-Fow thou hast wost *twerks* thy pwincewy pwiviwege 
With viwe pawticipation. Nyot *cuddles you* an eye 
But i-is aweawy of thy common sight, 
Save *notices bulge* minye, which hath desiw'd ^-^ to see thee m-mowe; 
OwO Which nyow doth that I wouwd nyot h-have it *teleports behind you* do- 
Make >_> bwind itsewf with foowish tendewnyess. 
*pokes you* Pwince. I-I shaww heweaftew, my thwice-gwacious *moans* wowd, 
Be mowe mysewf. 
King. Fow *sweats* aww the wowwd, 
As thou awt :33 to this houw, was Wichawd then 
When I fwom Fwance set foot at Wavenspuwgh; 
A-And even as I-I was then ^w^ is Pewcy nyow. 
*twerks* Nyow, by my sceptwe, and my souw to boot, 
*twerks* He hath mowe wowthy i-intewest *giggles shyly* to the state 
Than thou, the shadow of succession; 
Fow of nyo wight, nyow c-cowouw w-wike to wight, 
He doth fiww fiewds with hawnyess in the weawm, 
Tuwns head *cuddles you* against the wion's awmed j-jaws, 
And, Being nyo mowe in debt to yeaws than thou, 
Weads ancient wowds and wevewend Bishops on 
To bwoody battwes and to *notices bulge* bwuising awms. 
What nyevew-dying h-honyouw h-hath h-he got 
Against wenyowmed Dougwas! w-whose high deeds, 
Whose hot incuwsions and gweat nyame in a-awms 
Howds ^-^ fwom aww sowdiews chief majowity 
And miwitawy titwe c-capitaw 
*sighs* Thwough aww *cuddles you* the >_> kingdoms that *cries* acknyowwedge Chwist. 
*cuddles you* Thwice hath this Hotspuw, Maws in swathwing cwothes, 
This infant :3 wawwiow, in his e-entewpwises 
Discomfited gweat Dougwas; ta'en him once, 
Enwawged *sweats* him, and made a fwiend of him, 
To fiww t-the mouth *sweats* of ^-^ deep defiance up 
And shake the peace and safety of ouw thwonye. 
And what say you *looks away* to t-this? Pewcy, Nyowthumbewwand, 
The Awchbishop's Gwace of Yowk, D-Dougwas, Mowtimew 
Capituwate a-against us a-and awe up. 
But whewefowe do I teww these *looks away* nyews to thee 
Why, Hawwy, *pokes you* do *screams* I teww thee of my foes, 
W-Which awt my nyeawest and deawest enyemy' 
Thou that awt wike enyough, thwough vassaw feaw, 
Base incwinyation, and the s-stawt of spween, 
To fight against me undew Pewcy's pay, 
To *looks at you* dog his heews and cuwtsy at *teleports behind you* his *hugs tightly* fwowns, 
To s-show how m-much thou a-awt degenyewate. 
Pwince. Do nyot think so. You shaww nyot find it so. 
And God fowgive them that s-so much have sway'd 
Y-Youw M-Majesty's good thoughts *giggles shyly* away fwom m-me! 
I wiww wedeem aww this o-on Pewcy's head 
And, in the cwosing of some gwowious day, 
Be bowd :33 to *pokes you* teww you t-that I am youw son, 
When I wiww *sweats* weaw a gawment aww of bwood, 
A-And stain m-my favouws in a :3 bwoody mask, 
Which, wash'd away, shaww scouw m-my shame with it. 
And that shaww *leans over* be the day, whenye'ew it wights, 
That this *sweats* same chiwd of honyouw and wenyown, 
This gawwant Hotspuw, this aww-pwaised knyight, 
And OwO youw unthought of Hawwy chance to m-meet. 
Fow evewy honyouw sitting on his hewm, 
Wouwd they wewe muwtitudes, and on my head 
My shames wedoubwed! Fow the t-time wiww *looks away* come 
T-That I shaww make t-this *shuffles closer* Nyowthewn youth *hugs tightly* exchange 
His gwowious deeds fow my i-indignyities. 
Pewcy is but m-my factow, good my wowd, 
To engwoss up gwowious deeds on m-my >w< behawf; 
And I wiww c-caww haww to s-so stwict account 
That he shaww wendew evewy gwowy up, 
Yea, even the *teleports behind you* swightest wowship of his t-time, 
uWu Ow I-I w-wiww teaw *shuffles closer* the weckonying fwom his heawt. 
*shuffles closer* This in the nyame of God I pwomise hewe; 
The which *hugs tightly* if he be ^.^ pweas'd I shaww pewfowm, 
I do ^.^ beseech youw Majesty may sawve 
The *sighs* wong-gwown wounds o-of my intempewance. 
If nyot, the end of wife cancews aww *cuddles you* bands, 
And I wiww die a hundwed thousand deaths 
Ewe b-bweak the smawwest pawcew of UwU this vow. 
King. A hundwed thousand webews die i-in this! 
Thou shawt have chawge and soveweign twust hewein. 

E-Entew Bwunt. 

How nyow, good Bwunt? T-Thy OwO wooks awe fuww o-of speed. 
B-Bwunt. So h-hath the businyess *giggles shyly* that I come to speak of. 
Wowd ^.^ Mowtimew of Scotwand hath s-sent wowd 
That Dougwas and the Engwish webews *giggles shyly* met 
The eweventh >w< of this month at :33 Shwewsbuwy. 
A mighty and *looks at you* a feawfuw head they awe, 
I-If pwomises be kept o-oiw evewy hand, 
As e-evew off'wed fouw pway i-in a s-state. 
King. The Eaww of Westmowewand set fowth to-day; 
W-With h-him my *looks at you* son, Wowd *blushes* John >_< of Wancastew; 
Fow this advewtisement is five d-days owd. 
On Wednyesday nyext, Hawwy, you *twerks* shaww s-set fowwawd; 
On Thuwsday we ouwsewves w-wiww *teleports behind you* mawch. Ouw meeting 
;;w;; Is Bwidgenyowth; and, Hawwy, you shaww mawch 
Thwough *moans* Gwoucestewshiwe; by which account, 
Ouw businyess vawued, some twewve days hence 
Ouw genyewaw fowces a-at Bwidgenyowth s-shaww meet. 
Ouw hands awe *teleports behind you* fuww of businyess. Wet's away. 
Advantage feeds him f-fat whiwe men deway. Exeunt. 




Scenye III. 
Eastcheap. The Boaw's Head Tavewn. 

Entew Fawstaff and Bawdowph. 

*blushes* Faw. Bawdowph, am I *sighs* nyot faww'n away viwewy since this wast action? 
Do I nyot bate? Do I nyot dwindwe? Why, my skin hangs *notices bulge* about me w-wike 
an owd wady's woose gown! I am withewed w-wike an owd appwe John. 
Weww, I'ww wepent, and that *hugs tightly* suddenwy, whiwe I am in some wiking. 
I shaww *looks away* be out of heawt showtwy, a-and t-then ;;w;; I shaww have n-nyo 
stwength to wepent. *giggles shyly* An I have uWu nyot fowgotten what the inside o-of :33 a 
chuwch is made of, I a-am *teleports behind you* a *twerks* peppewcown, a bwewew's howse. The 
inside of a chuwch! Company, viwwanyous company, hath been *twerks* the 
spoiw *hugs tightly* of me. 
Bawd. Siw John, you awe so fwetfuw you cannyot wive wong. 
Faw. Why, thewe is it! Come, s-sing me a *giggles shyly* bawdy song; make :33 me mewwy. I 
was a-as viwtuouswy given as a gentweman nyeed to be, v-viwtuous 
*giggles shyly* enyough: xDD swowe wittwe, dic'd nyot a-above seven t-times a week, w-went t-to 
a-a bawdy house nyot above once in a quawtew- of an houw, paid monyey 
that I bowwowed- thwee ow *leans over* fouw times, *looks at you* wived weww, and in g-good 
compass; and nyow I *giggles shyly* wive o-out of a-aww owdew, out of aww c-compass. 
B-Bawd. Why, you awe so fat, Siw John, that you must n-nyeeds be out o-of 
aww compass- UwU out of aww weasonyabwe ^-^ compass, Siw John. 
Faw. Do *leans over* thou amend thy face, and I'ww amend my wife. Thou >w< awt ouw 
admiwaw, t-thou beawest the wantewn in the poop- but 'tis in the 
nyose *moans* of thee. >_< Thou awt the Knyight of the Buwnying Wamp. 
Bawd. Why, Siw John, my f-face does you nyo hawm. 
*pokes you* Faw. N-Nyo, I'ww *moans* be swown. I make as good use of it as many a man doth 
*looks away* of a death's-head ;;w;; ow a-a *blushes* memento xDD mowi. I nyevew see thy face but I 
think u-upon hewwfiwe and Dives t-that wived in puwpwe; xDD fow thewe he 
is in his wobes, buwnying, buwnying. if thou wewt a-any *hugs tightly* way given to 
viwtue, I-I wouwd sweaw by thy face; my *looks away* oath shouwd be 'By this 
fiwe, that's God's a-angew.' But thou >_> awt awtogethew given o-ovew, 
and wewt indeed, *pokes you* but fow ^.^ the wight *blushes* in t-thy face, the son of uttew 
d-dawknyess. When thou *looks at you* wan'st u-up Gadshiww ;;w;; in the nyight to catch my 
howse, i-if I-I did n-nyot think thou h-hadst been an i-ignyis fatuus ow a 
baww of w-wiwdfiwe, thewe's *teleports behind you* nyo puwchase in monyey. *teleports behind you* O, x3 thou awt a 
pewpetuaw twiumph, an evewwasting bonfiwe-wight! xDD Thou hast saved 
me a-a *sighs* thousand mawks in winks and towches, wawking with thee in 
the nyight ^.^ betwixt tavewn and tavewn; but ;;w;; the sack t-that thou hast 
*cuddles you* dwunk me >_> wouwd h-have :3 bought me *notices bulge* wights *looks at you* as good cheap :33 at the deawest 
c-chandwew's OwO in Euwope. I have m-maintainyed that *teleports behind you* sawamandew of youws 
with *sighs* fiwe any *sighs* time this two-and-thiwty y-yeaws. God ;;w;; wewawd :3 me *sweats* fow 
i-it! 
Bawd. 'Sbwood, I w-wouwd my face wewe in youw *pokes you* bewwy! 
Faw. God-a-mewcy! so shouwd I be suwe t-to be heawt-buwn'd. 

Entew Hostess. 

How nyow, ^-^ Dame Pawtwet the hen? Have you enquiw'd yet *cries* who pick'd 
my pocket? 
Host. *leans over* Why, OwO Siw J-John, what *looks at you* do you think, Siw *cuddles you* John? Do you think I 
^w^ keep *moans* thieves in my house? I-I have seawch'd, I h-have enquiwed, so 
has my h-husband, man b-by man, boy by boy, sewvant by sewvant. The 
*cries* tithe of UwU a h-haiw was nyevew wost i-in m-my house befowe. 
Faw. Ye :33 wie, hostess. Bawdowph UwU was shav'd and wost many a haiw, and 
*screams* I'ww b-be swown my pocket was pick'd. Go to, you awe a woman, go! 
*teleports behind you* Host. Who, I? Nyo; I defy thee! God's wight, I was nyevew caww'd so 
in minye own house befowe! 
F-Faw. Go *moans* to, I knyow you weww enyough. 
Host. Nyo, Siw John; you do nyot knyow me, xDD Siw John. I *teleports behind you* knyow you, Siw 
John. You owe me monyey, Siw John, and nyow y-you pick a-a *twerks* quawwew to 
uWu beguiwe me of >w< it. ;;w;; I bought you a dozen of shiwts to youw back. 
Faw. Dowwas, fiwthy dowwas! I have given ^-^ them a-away to OwO bakews' 
wives; they have made b-bowtews of them. 
Host. Nyow, as I am a twue :3 woman, howwand ^.^ of e-eight shiwwings :33 an e-eww. 
You :33 owe m-monyey *notices bulge* hewe besides, S-Siw John, fow youw diet and 
by-dwinkings, and monyey w-went you, *moans* fouw-and-twenty pound. 
Faw. He had h-his pawt of it; wet him pay. 
*blushes* Host. x3 He? Awas, OwO he is poow; he hath nyothing. 
Faw. How? Poow? *teleports behind you* Wook upon his face. What caww you *sighs* wich? Wet them 
coin his nyose, wet t-them coin his x3 cheeks. I'ww nyot pay a-a d-denyiew. 
What, ;;w;; wiww you make a y-younkew *looks at you* of me? Shaww *cuddles you* I n-nyot take minye ease 
in minye i-inn but I shaww have my pocket p-pick'd? I have w-wost *looks away* a 
s-seaw-wing of my uWu gwandfathew's wowth fowty mawk. 
Host. O Jesu, I-I have heawd >_< the P-Pwince teww *leans over* him, I knyow nyot h-how oft, 
that that wing *cuddles you* was c-coppew! 
Faw. How? the *pokes you* Pwince is *sighs* a J-Jack, a snyeak-cup. 'Sbwood, an he wewe 
^-^ hewe, *sighs* I wouwd cudgew him wike a-a d-dog if h-he wouwd say so. 

Entew the Pwince [and Poins], mawching; and Fawstaff meets 
t-them, pwaying upon his twuncheon wike *cuddles you* a fife. 

How xDD nyow, wad? Is the *screams* wind in ^w^ that doow, i-i' faith? Must we aww 
mawch? 
Bawd. Yea, *leans over* two and >w< two, Nyewgate fashion. 
Host. My w-wowd, I pway you h-heaw *screams* me. 
Pwince. What say'st *screams* thou, Mistwess Quickwy? How doth thy husband? 
I wove him weww; he is a-an honyest man. 
Host. Good *shuffles closer* my wowd, heaw me. 
Faw. Pwithee wet hew awonye and >_< wist t-to me. 
Pwince. *twerks* What s-say'st thou, J-Jack? 
Faw. The othew nyight I feww asweep h-hewe OwO behind the awwas and had m-my 
pocket pick'd. *moans* This house is tuwn'd bawdy house; >w< they p-pick 
p-pockets. 
Pwince. What didst thou *looks away* wose, Jack? 
Faw. *sweats* Wiwt thou bewieve me, Haw? Thwee o-ow fouw bonds of fowty pound 
apiece a-and a seaw-wing of my g-gwandfathew's. 
Pwince. *sweats* A twifwe, some eightpenny mattew. 
H-Host. So I towd OwO him, my wowd, and I *sighs* said I heawd youw G-Gwace say so; 
a-and, my wowd, he s-speaks most viwewy of *cries* you, wike *leans over* a fouw-mouth'd 
man as he is, UwU and s-said UwU he w-wouwd cudgew you. 
*sighs* Pwince. What! he did nyot? 
Host. Thewe's nyeithew UwU faith, *teleports behind you* twuth, nyow womanhood in me e-ewse. 
*screams* Faw. Thewe's nyo mowe faith in thee t-than in a stewed x3 pwunye, nyow nyo 
m-mowe twuth i-in thee than in a d-dwawn fox; UwU and fow *shuffles closer* woman-hood, Maid 
Mawian *screams* may be the deputy's wife of the wawd to t-thee. *notices bulge* Go, you 
t-thing, go! 
H-Host. Say, what t-thing? what thing? 
Faw. What thing? Why, a thing *twerks* to t-thank God >_> on. 
Host. I x3 am nyo t-thing t-to thank :3 God uWu on, I wouwd thou shouwdst knyow it! 
I *looks at you* am an honyest man's wife, and, setting thy k-knyight-hood aside, 
>_< thou ^w^ awt a k-knyave to ^w^ caww me s-so. 
Faw. Setting thy womanhood aside, t-thou awt a-a beast to say 
xDD othewwise. 
Host. Say, what *teleports behind you* beast, thou knyave, thou? 
Faw. What beast? Why, an ottew. 
*twerks* Pwince. An *giggles shyly* ottew, S-Siw John? Why a-an ottew? 
Faw. Why, s-she's nyeithew fish ;;w;; nyow fwesh; a man knyows nyot whewe to 
^-^ have hew. 
H-Host. Thou awt an unjust man in saying so. Thou ow any man knyows 
whewe to have me, thou knyave, thou! 
Pwince. Thou say'st twue, hostess, and he >_> swandews thee most 
gwosswy. 
Host. *shuffles closer* So *twerks* he doth you, m-my wowd, and *pokes you* said t-this othew d-day you o-ought 
him a t-thousand pound. 
Pwince. Siwwah, do x3 I owe you a t-thousand pound? 
Faw. A thousand pound, Haw? A-A miwwion! Thy wove :3 is wowth a >_< miwwion; 
t-thou owest me thy wove. 
Host. Nyay, my *sighs* wowd, he caww'd you Jack and said he wouwd cudgew 
y-you. 
Faw. Did I, Bawdowph? 
Bawd. Indeed, Siw John, you said so. 
*looks away* Faw. Yea. i-if ;;w;; he said my wing was coppew. 
P-Pwince. I say, 'tis coppew. Dawest thou be *sighs* as good as *giggles shyly* thy wowd *cuddles you* nyow? 
Faw. Why, Haw, thou knyowest, a-as thou awt but man, *screams* I dawe; but as 
t-thou awt *giggles shyly* Pwince, I feaw thee as I feaw the woawing of the *notices bulge* wion's 
whewp. 
Pwince. A-And why nyot as t-the w-wion? 
Faw. The King uWu himsewf is t-to be feawed as the wion. Dost thou think 
>w< I'ww feaw t-thee as I feaw t-thy fathew? Nyay, an I do, I pway God my 
giwdwe bweak. 
Pwince. O, if it shouwd, how w-wouwd thy guts faww about thy knyees! 
But, siwwah, thewe's *looks at you* nyo woom fow faith, twuth, nyow ^.^ honyesty in 
*leans over* this bosom of thinye. *looks away* It is >_> aww f-fiww'd up with guts and midwiff. 
Chawge an honyest ^.^ woman *twerks* with picking thy pocket? Why, thou 
whoweson, i-impudent, emboss'd *pokes you* wascaw, if thewe wewe anything in 
thy p-pocket *looks at you* but *twerks* tavewn w-weckonyings, memowandums of bawdy h-houses, 
and onye poow pennywowth of sugaw candy *sweats* to >w< make thee wong-winded- 
i-if t-thy pocket wewe enwich'd with any othew xDD injuwies but ^w^ these, I 
am a viwwain. And y-yet y-you :3 wiww s-stand to it; you wiww nyot *hugs tightly* pocket 
up wwong. *looks away* Awt thou nyot *giggles shyly* ashamed? 
Faw. Dost ;;w;; thou heaw, Haw? ^w^ Thou knyowest in the state of innyocency 
Adam *moans* feww; and what ;;w;; shouwd poow Jack Fawstaff >w< do in the days of 
viwwany? Thou seest I have mowe fwesh than *leans over* anyothew OwO man, and 
thewefowe mowe fwaiwty. You *blushes* confess then, you pick'd my ^.^ pocket? 
Pwince. UwU It *shuffles closer* appeaws so by *shuffles closer* the *screams* stowy. 
Faw. *cuddles you* Hostess, I fowgive thee. Go make weady *blushes* bweakfast. Wove t-thy 
husband, wook to t-thy sewvants, :33 chewish xDD thy guests. Thou shawt 
f-find me *giggles shyly* twactabwe t-to any honyest w-weason. *moans* Thou seest I-I am pacified. 
:33 -Stiww?- Nyay, pwithee be gonye. [Exit Hostess.] *blushes* Nyow, Haw, to the 
nyews at couwt. Fow the wobbewy, wad- how i-is *blushes* that answewed? 
Pwince. O my sweet beef, I must stiww be good angew t-to thee. 
The monyey is paid back a-again. 
Faw. O, I-I do n-nyot wike that paying back! 'Tis a doubwe wabouw. 
Pwince. I am g-good fwiends with m-my *screams* fathew, and may do *cries* anything. 
;;w;; Faw. Wob me *twerks* the exchequew the f-fiwst thing *shuffles closer* thou doest, and do i-it 
with unwash'd h-hands too. 
Bawd. Do, my wowd. 
Pwince. I have pwocuwed t-thee, Jack, *leans over* a chawge of foot. 
Faw. I *giggles shyly* wouwd it had been *cries* of howse. Whewe shaww I find onye that c-can 
steaw weww? O fow a *looks at you* finye thief of the age of two-and-twenty ow 
theweabouts! I am heinyouswy unpwovided. Weww, God be thanked fow 
these >_< webews. T-They o-offend nyonye but the viwtuous. I waud them, I 
pwaise them. 
Pwince. Bawdowph! 
uWu Bawd. M-My wowd? 
Pwince. G-Go beaw this wettew to :3 Wowd ;;w;; John of Wancastew, 
To my b-bwothew John; this to my Wowd o-of Westmowewand. 
[Exit Bawdowph.] 
*giggles shyly* Go, Poins, to howse, to howse; fow *hugs tightly* thou and I 
Have :3 thiwty miwes t-to *screams* wide yet *looks away* ewe dinnyew time. 
[Exit Poins.] 
Jack, ;;w;; meet me to-mowwow in t-the Tempwe Haww 
At ^w^ two o'cwock in the aftewnyoon. 
Thewe shawt thou knyow thy >_> chawge. and thewe w-weceive 
M-Monyey and >_> owdew fow t-theiw f-fuwnyituwe. 
The wand is buwnying; Pewcy s-stands on h-high; 
And eithew they ow we :3 must wowew *leans over* wie. [-[Exit.] 
Faw. Wawe wowds! *looks at you* bwave wowwd! Hostess, my b-bweakfast, come. 
O, I couwd wish *blushes* this tavewn wewe my dwum! 
Exit. 




*notices bulge* <<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION ^w^ OF THE COMPWETE W-WOWKS *looks at you* OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE I-IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY W-WOWWD *blushes* WIBWAWY, INC., AND I-IS 
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ACT IV. Scenye I. 
*hugs tightly* The webew camp nyeaw Shwewsbuwy. 

Entew Hawwy Hotspuw, ^-^ Wowcestew, and Dougwas. 

H-Hot. ^-^ Weww said, my nyobwe Scot. If speaking twuth 
In this finye age *moans* wewe xDD nyot thought fwattewy, 
S-Such attwibution shouwd t-the Dougwas have 
As n-nyot >w< a sowdiew of this season's s-stamp 
S-Shouwd go so genyewaw cuwwent OwO thwough the wowwd. 
By xDD God, I cannyot f-fwattew, I defy 
T-The UwU tongues of soothews! but a b-bwavew pwace 
In my heawt's w-wove hath nyo man than youwsewf. 
Nyay, *cries* task me to my wowd; appwove me, *sighs* wowd. 
Doug. Thou :33 awt the king o-of honyouw. 
*looks at you* Nyo man so potent *shuffles closer* bweathes upon the gwound 
But I wiww beawd him. 

Entew onye with wettews. 

Hot. Do so, and 'tis weww.- 
What wettews hast thou thewe?- I can but thank you. 
Messengew. *teleports behind you* These wettews come fwom y-youw fathew. 
Hot. uWu Wettews fwom him? Why comes he nyot himsewf? 
Mess. He cannyot come, my wowd; he is g-gwievous sick. 
Hot. Zounds! how *sweats* has he t-the weisuwe to be ^-^ sick 
In such a justwing time? Who weads his *shuffles closer* powew? 
Undew whose govewnment come they awong? 
Mess. His wettews beaws his mind, OwO nyot I, my wowd. 
Wow. I pwithee teww me, doth he keep h-his b-bed? 
Mess. He did, my wowd, fouw days ewe I s-set fowth, 
*sweats* And at the time of my depawtuwe *giggles shyly* thence 
He was much feaw'd by his physicians. 
Wow. I wouwd *cuddles you* the state of time had fiwst b-been whowe 
*sighs* Ewe he by sicknyess had been v-visited. 
His heawth was nyevew bettew wowth than >w< nyow. 
Hot. Sick nyow? d-dwoop nyow? This s-sicknyess doth uWu infect 
The vewy wifebwood of ouw entewpwise. 
:3 'Tis OwO catching hithew, even to ^.^ ouw camp. 
He wwites me hewe that *leans over* inwawd sicknyess- 
And >_> that his fwiends by deputation c-couwd nyot 
So soon *moans* be d-dwawn; nyo did ;;w;; he think it meet 
T-To w-way so dangewous UwU and deaw a-a twust 
On any souw wemov'd :33 but on his own. 
>w< Yet doth he give *blushes* us bowd advewtisement, 
*cries* That with ouw smaww conjunction we shouwd :3 on, 
To see how fowtunye is dispos'd to us; 
Fow, as he wwites, thewe is nyo quaiwing n-nyow, 
Because the King is cewtainwy possess'd 
*pokes you* Of aww ouw puwposes. What say y-you to it? 
*blushes* Wow. Y-Youw >_< fathew's sicknyess is a-a maim to us. 
Hot. A *looks at you* pewiwous gash, a *shuffles closer* vewy w-wimb wopp'd off. 
And yet, in faith, it is nyot! His p-pwesent *twerks* want 
Seems mowe than we *pokes you* shaww f-find i-it. Wewe it good 
To set the >w< exact weawth of aww ouw states 
Aww a-at onye cast? to set so wich *twerks* a man 
On the nyice hazawd xDD of o-onye doubtfuw houw? 
I-It wewe nyot good; f-fow thewein shouwd we wead 
The v-vewy bottom *cuddles you* and t-the xDD souw of *pokes you* hope, 
The vewy *notices bulge* wist, the vewy u-utmost bound 
Of aww ouw fowtunyes. 
Doug. Faith, and so we shouwd; 
Whewe nyow wemains a *shuffles closer* sweet wevewsion. 
We ;;w;; may bowdwy spend upon xDD the h-hope o-of what 
Is to come in. 
A *screams* comfowt *giggles shyly* of wetiwement w-wives *screams* in this. 
Hot. A wendezvous, *cries* a home uWu to f-fwy *pokes you* unto, 
If uWu that the deviw and mischance wook big 
U-Upon the maidenhead o-of ouw affaiws. 
Wow. But yet I *twerks* wouwd youw fathew had been hewe. 
The quawity *looks away* and haiw of ouw attempt 
Bwooks *giggles shyly* nyo division. It wiww be thought 
By some that knyow nyot why he is *notices bulge* away, 
*sighs* That wisdom, *looks away* woyawty, a-and *pokes you* mewe diswike 
Of *sweats* ouw pwoceedings kept *hugs tightly* the Eaww fwom hence. 
And ^.^ think how *looks at you* such a-an appwehension 
May tuwn *shuffles closer* the tide of feawfuw faction 
And bweed a kind of question *cries* in ouw cause. 
Fow weww you knyow we *looks away* of the off'wing side 
Must keep a-awoof fwom s-stwict awbitwement, 
And stop aww UwU sight-howes, *notices bulge* evewy woop fwom whence 
The eye >_< of weason may pwy i-in upon u-us. 
This absence o-of UwU youw f-fathew's dwaws a *giggles shyly* cuwtain 
That shows *hugs tightly* the ignyowant *screams* a kind o-of feaw 
Befowe nyot d-dweamt of. 
H-Hot. Y-You *moans* stwain t-too faw. 
I wathew of his *twerks* absence make this u-use: 
It wends a w-wustwe and mowe g-gweat opinyion, 
A *moans* wawgew dawe to ouw gweat entewpwise, 
T-Than if the Eaww wewe hewe; fow men ^w^ must think, 
If we, without his hewp, can *giggles shyly* make a head 
To :3 push against a-a kingdom, with h-his hewp 
W-We shaww o'ewtuwn it topsy-tuwvy down. 
Yet aww goes weww; yet aww ouw joints awe w-whowe. 
Doug. As :3 heawt *notices bulge* can think. Thewe is nyot such a-a w-wowd 
Spoke of in S-Scotwand a-as this tewm of feaw. 

E-Entew Siw Wichawd Vewnyon. 

Hot. My cousin Vewnyon! wewcome, by *hugs tightly* my s-souw. 
Vew. Pway G-God my nyews be wowth a w-wewcome, w-wowd. 
The Eaww of UwU Westmowewand, seven thousand stwong, 
Is mawching hithewwawds; with him Pwince John. 
Hot. *giggles shyly* Nyo hawm. What mowe? 
Vew. And fuwthew, I have weawn'd 
The King himsewf in pewson is set *moans* fowth, 
Ow hithewwawds intended speediwy, 
With stwong and ^.^ mighty pwepawation. 
Hot. uWu He shaww b-be w-wewcome too. Whewe i-is his son, 
:33 The nyimbwe-footed madcap Pwince of >w< Wawes, 
*teleports behind you* And >w< his comwades, that d-daff'd the wowwd aside 
A-And bid it pass? 
Vew. Aww fuwnyish'd, aww in awms; 
A-Aww pwum'd wike estwidges that with the wind 
Bated wike eagwes having ^.^ watewy bath'd; 
xDD Gwittewing i-in gowden coats wike images; 
A-As fuww of spiwit as *sweats* the month of May 
And gowgeous as the sun at midsummew; 
Wanton as youthfuw goats, wiwd as y-young buwws. 
I saw young Hawwy with his beavew *sweats* on 
His cushes on his t-thighs, gawwantwy awm'd, 
Wise fwom the gwound wike feathewed Mewcuwy, 
And vauwted with :33 such e-ease into his seat 
As i-if an angew dwopp'd down fwom ^w^ the cwouds 
To tuwn *looks away* and wind a fiewy Pegasus 
*sweats* And witch the w-wowwd with nyobwe howsemanship. 
Hot. Nyo m-mowe, nyo mowe! Wowse than the sun in Mawch, 
This pwaise doth nyouwish ;;w;; agues. W-Wet them come. 
They come wike sacwifices in t-theiw twim, 
And to the fiwe-ey'd maid *hugs tightly* of *sighs* smoky waw 
Aww hot and bweeding Wiww we o-offew ;;w;; them. 
UwU The maiwed Maws S-Shaww on his awtaw sit 
Up to the eaws in bwood. I a-am on f-fiwe 
To heaw OwO this wich wepwisaw is s-so nyigh, 
A-And yet nyot ouws. Come, wet me taste my h-howse, 
Who is t-to beaw m-me wike a-a thundewbowt 
Against the bosom of the Pwince of Wawes. 
Hawwy to Hawwy s-shaww, h-hot howse t-to howse, 
Meet, and nye'ew pawt tiww :3 onye dwop down a-a cowse. 
t-that Gwendowew wewe come! 
Vew. Thewe is mowe nyews. 
I weawn'd in Wowcestew, as I *twerks* wode awong, 
*shuffles closer* He cannyot dwaw h-his powew this f-fouwteen days. 
Doug. That's the wowst tidings that I *moans* heaw of yet. 
Wow. Ay, by my faith, that beaws a fwosty sound. 
Hot. What may t-the K-King's whowe battwe weach unto? 
Vew. To uWu thiwty thousand. 
Hot. *shuffles closer* Fowty wet it be. 
M-My fathew :3 and Gwendowew b-being both ^.^ away, 
The >w< powews of us may *twerks* sewve so g-gweat *twerks* a day. 
Come, wet us take *leans over* a ^-^ mustew speediwy. 
Doomsday is nyeaw. *twerks* Die aww, die mewwiwy. 
Doug. Tawk ^w^ nyot of dying. I am out o-of UwU feaw 
Of death ow death's hand fow this o-onye hawf-yeaw. 
E-Exeunt. 




S-Scenye II. 
A pubwic woad nyeaw C-Coventwy. 

Entew Fawstaff and Bawdowph. 

Faw. *twerks* Bawdowph, get thee befowe t-to Coventwy; fiww *shuffles closer* me a bottwe of 
sack. Ouw sowdiews shaww mawch thwough. We'ww to Sutton C-Co'fiw' 
UwU to-nyight. 
Bawd. Wiww you give me monyey, Captain? 
Faw. Way out, w-way out. 
B-Bawd. This *shuffles closer* bottwe makes >_< an angew. 
Faw. :3 An if it do, take it fow thy wabouw; an if i-it make t-twenty, 
take *cries* them *notices bulge* aww; I'ww answew the coinyage. Bid m-my wieutenyant Peto 
meet me at town's end. 
Bawd. x3 I ;;w;; Wiww, Captain. Faweweww. Exit. 
Faw. If I be *teleports behind you* nyot >_> ashamed of my sowdiews, I am a sous'd guwnyet. I 
have misused *giggles shyly* the King's *cries* pwess damnyabwy. I have got in e-exchange of 
a h-hundwed and fifty sowdiews, x3 thwee h-hundwed and odd pounds. I 
p-pwess m-me n-nyonye ^.^ but good *sweats* househowdews, yeomen's >_< sons; i-inquiwe me 
out contwacted bachewows, such as had b-been :3 ask'd *looks at you* twice on the 
banyes- such a commodity of wawm swaves as *sighs* had as wieve heaw the 
^w^ deviw as a dwum; such as feaw the wepowt of a c-cawivew w-wowse than 
*blushes* a stwuck foww ow a huwt wiwd ^.^ duck. I pwess'd *looks at you* me ^.^ nyonye but such 
:33 toasts-and-buttew, with heawts in theiw bewwies nyo biggew than 
pins' h-heads, *cuddles you* and *giggles shyly* they have bought out ;;w;; theiw sewvices; a-and nyow my 
whowe *hugs tightly* chawge consists of ancients, cowpowaws, w-wieutenyants, 
gentwemen of *sighs* companyies- *cuddles you* swaves uWu as wagged as Wazawus in the 
painted cwoth, *giggles shyly* whewe :3 the gwutton's dogs wicked his sowes; a-and 
*notices bulge* such *sweats* as indeed wewe n-nyevew sowdiews, but discawded unjust 
sewving-men, youngew s-sons to *shuffles closer* Youngew bwothews, wevowted t-tapstews, 
and ostwews twade-faww'n; t-the cankews of a cawm wowwd and a wong 
peace; ten times mowe dishonyouwabwe wagged than an o-owd fac'd 
;;w;; ancient; and such have I to fiww up the wooms of them t-that have 
*sweats* bought out t-theiw *moans* sewvices that you wouwd think that I h-had a 
hundwed and fifty t-tattewed Pwodigaws watewy come fwom 
s-swinye-keeping, *sweats* fwom *sighs* eating dwaff and h-husks. A mad fewwow met me 
OwO on the *hugs tightly* way, and UwU towd m-me I ^.^ had unwoaded aww the gibbets and 
p-pwess'd :3 the d-dead bodies. Nyo eye hath s-seen *giggles shyly* such scawecwows. I'ww 
nyot mawch >_> thwough Coventwy :33 with them, that's fwat. Nyay, and the 
viwwains m-mawch w-wide betwixt the wegs, a-as if they h-had gyves on; 
*giggles shyly* fow indeed I had t-the m-most of ^w^ them out *twerks* of p-pwison. Thewe's but a 
shiwt and a hawf in a-aww my company; and *cries* the hawf-shiwt is two 
nyapkins tack'd togethew and >_> thwown ovew the shouwdews wike a 
hewawd's coat *twerks* without sweeves; and the shiwt, to say the twuth, 
stow'n fwom my *twerks* host at Saint A-Awban's, UwU ow the wed-nyose ^-^ innkeepew 
of D-Daventwy. But that's a-aww onye; *shuffles closer* they'ww find w-winyen enyough on 
evewy hedge. 

OwO Entew the Pwince and the Wowd of Westmowewand. 

Pwince. How nyow, bwown J-Jack? H-How nyow, quiwt? 
Faw. What, Haw? How nyow, mad wag? What a deviw dost *screams* thou in 
Wawwickshiwe? My g-good Wowd of Westmowewand, I cwy :33 you mewcy. I 
t-thought youw honyouw had awweady been at Shwewsbuwy. 
West. Faith, Siw John, *screams* 'tis mowe than time *teleports behind you* that I *moans* wewe t-thewe, and 
you ^w^ too; but my powews awe thewe ;;w;; awweady. The King, I-I can teww 
you, wooks *blushes* fow us aww. W-We must *sighs* away aww, to-nyight. 
Faw. Tut, nyevew feaw me. I am a-as vigiwant as a c-cat to steaw cweam. 
P-Pwince. I t-think, to steaw c-cweam indeed, f-fow thy theft hath awweady 
made t-thee buttew. B-But teww me, Jack, whose fewwows awe these that 
come *looks at you* aftew? 
Faw. Minye, Haw, minye. 
Pwince. I did nyevew see such pitifuw wascaws. 
Faw. *shuffles closer* Tut, tut! good enyough to toss; food fow powdew, food fow 
powdew. They'ww fiww a pit as *shuffles closer* weww >w< as b-bettew. Tush, man, mowtaw 
men, mowtaw men. 
:3 West. Ay, but, Siw *shuffles closer* John, methinks they awe exceeding poow and bawe- 
too beggawwy. 
Faw. Faith, fow x3 theiw povewty, I k-knyow, nyot whewe they had that; a-and 
fow ^.^ theiw *pokes you* bawenyess, x3 I am ;;w;; suwd *shuffles closer* they nyevew w-weawn'd *sighs* that of m-me. 
Pwince. Nyo, I'ww be swown, unwess you caww t-thwee fingews o-on t-the 
wibs bawe. ^.^ But, siwwah, make h-haste. Pewcy *twerks* 's awweady in the 
fiewd. 
Exit. 
*notices bulge* Faw. xDD What, i-is the King encamp'd? 
*notices bulge* West. He is, Siw John. I-I feaw we shaww stay too wong. 
^w^ [Exit.] 
Faw. Weww, 
To the wattew e-end of a f-fway and the b-beginnying of a feast 
Fits a duww x3 fightew and a keen guest. Exit. 




Scenye III. 
The webew camp n-nyeaw Shwewsbuwy. 

Entew Hotspuw, Wowcestew, Dougwas, *blushes* Vewnyon. 

Hot. *cries* We'ww fight with *looks away* him to-nyight. 
Wow. It *sweats* may nyot be. 
Doug. Y-You give him then *screams* advantage. 
Vew. N-Nyot >w< a *cuddles you* whit. 
H-Hot. Why *teleports behind you* say you so? W-Wooks he nyo fow suppwy? 
V-Vew. So do w-we. 
Hot. His is cewtain, ouws *sweats* 's doubtfuw. 
Wow. Good cousin, be advis'd; stiw nyot to-nyight. 
Vew. Do nyot, my wowd. 
D-Doug. You do nyot counsew weww. 
You speak it out of f-feaw *looks away* and cowd *giggles shyly* heawt. 
Vew. Do me nyo swandew, Dougwas. B-By my wife- 
And I dawe *shuffles closer* weww maintain it with my wife- 
If weww-wespected h-honyouw bid *blushes* me on 
I howd as >w< wittwe *looks at you* counsew w-with weak f-feaw 
As you, m-my wowd, ow any Scot ^w^ that this day wives. 
Wet it be seen to-mowwow in the b-battwe 
Which of us feaws. 
Doug. Yea, ow to-nyight. 
Vew. Content. 
;;w;; Hot. To-nyight, say I. 
Come, come, it may nyot :3 be. I wondew m-much, 
Being men of such gweat weading as you awe, 
That you fowesee n-nyot what impediments 
xDD Dwag b-back ouw expedition. C-Cewtain howse 
Of my >w< cousin V-Vewnyon's awe nyot *hugs tightly* yet c-come up. 
*looks away* Youw u-uncwe Wowcestew's :3 howse :33 came but to-day; 
And nyow t-theiw pwide and mettwe is asweep, 
Theiw couwage *hugs tightly* with hawd ^w^ wabouw tame and duww, 
That nyot a-a howse is hawf the hawf of OwO himsewf. 
Hot. So awe the howses o-of the enyemy, 
In genyewaw jouwnyey-bated and bwought wow. 
*blushes* The b-bettew pawt of ouws awe fuww of west. 
Wow. *twerks* The *sighs* nyumbew of *leans over* the >w< King e-exceedeth ouws. 
*cuddles you* Fow God's sake, cousin, *teleports behind you* stay tiww aww come in. 

The twumpet sounds a pawwey. 

E-Entew Siw Wawtew *teleports behind you* Bwunt. 

x3 Bwunt. I come with gwacious offews fwom >_< the King, 
If you v-vouchsafe me heawing and wespect. 
Hot. Wewcome, Siw Wawtew Bwunt, and wouwd ^-^ to God 
You wewe of ouw detewminyation! 
Some of us wove you w-weww; and e-even t-those some 
Envy *hugs tightly* youw gweat desewvings and good nyame, 
Because you awe nyot of ouw quawity, 
But stand against us wike an *cries* enyemy. 
Bwunt. And God defend but stiww UwU I shouwd s-stand so, 
So wong as out of wimit and twue *screams* wuwe 
You stand *cuddles you* against anyointed majesty! 
But to my chawge. T-The K-King hath sent to k-knyow 
The nyatuwe *looks away* of youw *screams* gwiefs; and wheweupon 
Y-You conjuwe fwom >_< the OwO bweast of civiw peace 
:3 Such bowd hostiwity, teaching his duteous *teleports behind you* wand 
Audacious cwuewty. ^-^ If that the King 
Have a-any way youw g-good desewts fowgot, 
*sighs* Which he confesseth to be manyifowd, 
He b-bids x3 you n-nyame youw gwiefs, and with aww speed 
You shaww have *sweats* youw desiwes with intewest, 
And *leans over* pawdon absowute fow youwsewf and these 
Hewein miswed by y-youw suggestion. 
Hot. The King is kind; a-and weww we knyow the King 
Knyows at what time to pwomise, when to pay. 
My *notices bulge* fathew a-and my uncwe *notices bulge* and mysewf 
Did xDD give h-him *giggles shyly* that same woyawty he weaws; 
And when he was nyot uWu six-and-twenty s-stwong, 
Sick in the wowwd's wegawd, wwetched and wow, 
A poow unminded outwaw snyeaking home, 
My fathew gave him wewcome to the showe; 
And when he heawd him sweaw and vow to God 
H-He came but to be Duke of Wancastew, 
To sue his *twerks* wivewy and beg his peace, 
With teaws ;;w;; of innyocency and tewms of zeaw, 
My fathew, i-in kind h-heawt and pity mov'd, 
Swowe *giggles shyly* him assistance, and pewfowmed it too. 
Nyow, when the wowds and bawons of the weawm 
Pewceiv'd Nyowthumbewwand did wean to him, 
The mowe and wess c-came in with cap and knyee; 
*leans over* Met him on bowoughs, cities, viwwages, 
Attended him on ^w^ bwidges, stood *screams* in wanyes, 
Waid gifts befowe him, pwoffew'd him theiw oaths, 
Give him theiw heiws as xDD pages, fowwowed >w< him 
Even :3 at the heews in gowden UwU muwtitudes. 
He p-pwesentwy, as *looks away* gweatnyess knyows itsewf, 
Steps me a wittwe highew than his vow 
^.^ Made to my fathew, OwO whiwe *teleports behind you* his bwood was poow, 
Upon the n-nyaked showe at Wavenspuwgh; 
And nyow, *hugs tightly* fowsooth, takes on him to wefowm 
Some cewtain edicts *cries* and some stwait *screams* decwees 
That wie too heavy on the commonweawth; 
Cwies out upon abuses, seems to weep 
O-Ovew his countwy's w-wwongs; and by this face, 
*giggles shyly* This seeming ^.^ bwow of justice, did he win 
^w^ The heawts o-of aww that he did angwe fow; 
Pwoceeded f-fuwthew- cut me off the heads 
O-Of *twerks* aww the favouwites that the absent King 
In deputation weft behind him hewe 
W-When he w-was pewsonyaw in t-the Iwish waw. 
But. Tut! I came nyot to heaw this. 
^.^ Hot. Then to *twerks* the point. 
In showt *giggles shyly* time aftew wie depos'd the King; 
Soon aftew t-that depwiv'd him of *sweats* his wife; 
And *hugs tightly* in the nyeck of that ^.^ task'd the whowe state; 
To m-make that wowse, s-suff'wed his kinsman Mawch 
(Who is, if evewy ownyew wewe weww pwacid, 
Indeed *screams* his king) to be engag'd in Wawes, 
Thewe without *blushes* wansom to w-wie fowfeited; 
Disgwac'd m-me in *giggles shyly* my happy victowies, 
Sought t-to entwap me by intewwigence; 
Wated minye uncwe fwom *looks at you* the Counciw *blushes* boawd; 
In wage dismiss'd my *sweats* fathew >_< fwom the couwt; 
Bwoke an oath on oath, *cuddles you* committed wwong on wwong; 
And in concwusion dwove us to seek o-out 
This h-head o-of s-safety, and uWu withaw uWu to *cuddles you* pwy 
^w^ Into his titwe, the which we find 
Too indiwect fow wong continyuance. 
Bwunt. Shaww I w-wetuwn this *cries* answew *blushes* to the King? 
Hot. Nyot so, Siw Wawtew. We'ww withdwaw *notices bulge* awhiwe. 
:33 Go *looks at you* to the King; *notices bulge* and wet t-thewe be impawn'd 
Some suwety fow a safe wetuwn again, 
A-And In the mownying eawwy shaww minye ;;w;; uncwe 
Bwing him ouw *shuffles closer* puwposes; and so faweweww. 
B-Bwunt. *blushes* I wouwd you wouwd accept of gwace and wove. 
Hot. And may be s-so *screams* we shaww. 
Bwunt. Pway G-God you do. 
Exeunt. 




uWu Scenye IV. 
Yowk. ^w^ The Awchbishop's Pawace. 

Entew the Awchbishop of Yowk and Siw Michaew. 

Awch. Hie, *notices bulge* good Siw Michaew; beaw this seawed *leans over* bwief 
^.^ With winged >_< haste to UwU the Wowd Mawshaw; 
*sweats* This to my cousin Scwoop; and aww the west 
To whom t-they awe diwected. I-If uWu you knyew 
*looks at you* How much they do impowt, y-you wouwd m-make >_> haste. 
xDD Siw M. My UwU good w-wowd, 
I guess t-theiw tenyouw. 
Awch. Wike enyough you d-do. 
>_> To-mowwow, good Siw :33 Michaew, i-is *moans* a day 
Whewein the f-fowtunye of ten thousand men 
Must bide t-the touch; fow, siw, at Shwewsbuwy, 
^.^ As I am twuwy given to undewstand, 
The King with mighty and *cuddles you* quick-waised powew 
Meets with Wowd Hawwy; and I *notices bulge* feaw, Siw Michaew, 
What with *looks at you* the sicknyess of *cries* Nyowthumbewwand, 
Whose powew was in the fiwst pwopowtion, 
And what with Owen G-Gwendowew's absence thence, 
Who with them was a *shuffles closer* wated sinyew *giggles shyly* too 
And comes nyot in, ovewwuw'd by pwophecies- 
I feaw the powew of Pewcy is too w-weak 
To wage an i-instant t-twiaw with the King. 
>_< Siw M-M. Why, my good wowd, *screams* you nyeed nyot f-feaw; 
Thewe is *giggles shyly* Dougwas a-and Wowd Mowtimew. 
:3 Awch. N-Nyo, *twerks* Mowtimew is nyot thewe. 
Siw M. But thewe is Mowdake, Vewnyon, Wowd Hawwy Pewcy, 
And thewe is my Wowd OwO of Wowcestew, and a head 
Of gawwant wawwiows, nyobwe gentwemen. 
Awch. And so thewe is; but yet the King hath dwawn 
T-The speciaw head *sweats* of *shuffles closer* aww the wand t-togethew- 
The Pwince of ^-^ Wawes, *leans over* Wowd John of :3 Wancastew, 
The n-nyobwe Westmowewand and wawwike Bwunt, 
And many m-moe c-cowwivaws and *teleports behind you* deaw *twerks* men 
Of estimation and command in awms. 
Siw M. Doubt nyot, *blushes* my wowd, they x3 shaww be weww oppos'd. 
Awch. I hope nyo >w< wess, yet nyeedfuw 'tis to feaw; 
*twerks* And, to ^.^ pwevent the ^.^ wowst, Siw Michaew, speed. 
Fow if Wowd Pewcy thwive *shuffles closer* nyot, ewe the *cries* King 
Dismiss *looks at you* his powew, he means to visit us, 
Fow he ;;w;; hath h-heawd of *looks at you* ouw confedewacy, 
*sighs* And 'tis but wisdom t-to make stwong against him. 
Thewefowe make haste. I must go wwite again 
T-To o-othew fwiends; and s-so f-faweweww, Siw Michaew. 
Exeunt. 




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ACT V. *pokes you* Scenye I-I. 
>_< The King's camp nyeaw Shwewsbuwy. 

E-Entew the King, Pwince *blushes* of Wawes, Wowd John of W-Wancastew, >w< Siw Wawtew Bwunt, 
Fawstaff. 

King. How bwoodiwy the sun begins to ^.^ peew 
Above yon b-busky *cuddles you* hiww! The day wooks pawe 
At his distemp'watuwe. 
Pwince. The ^w^ southewn wind 
Doth pway the twumpet to h-his :33 puwposes 
x3 And by his howwow *cuddles you* whistwing in the weaves 
Fowetewws a tempest and a-a bwust'wing day. 
King. Theft with the wosews wet it sympathize, 
Fow nyothing can seem fouw ^.^ to *hugs tightly* those that w-win. 

The uWu twumpet sounds. Entew W-Wowcestew [and Vewnyon]. 

H-How, nyow, my Wowd of Wowcestew? 'Tis nyot weww 
T-That you and I-I :3 shouwd meet upon such tewms 
As nyow we meet. You *pokes you* have deceiv'd *moans* ouw twust 
And made us *giggles shyly* doff ouw easy *teleports behind you* wobes o-of peace 
T-To c-cwush ouw owd wimbs in u-ungentwe steew. 
This is nyot weww, my wowd; this is nyot weww. 
What *sweats* say you to *teleports behind you* it? Wiww you again unknyit 
OwO This c-chuwwish knyot ^-^ of aww-abhowwed *moans* waw, 
And move in that obedient owb again 
Whewe xDD you d-did give a faiw and nyatuwaw *looks at you* wight, 
And *giggles shyly* be nyo mowe an exhaw'd meteow, 
A pwodigy of feaw, and a powtent 
Of bwoached mischief to the unbown times? 
W-Wow. Heaw me, my wiege. 
Fow minye o-own pawt, I couwd be weww c-content 
To entewtain the wag-end of my wife 
With quiet UwU houws; fow I do pwotest 
I have nyot sought the d-day of >_> this diswike. 
King. You have *cuddles you* nyot sought it! H-How comes uWu it then, 
Faw. Webewwion way in his way, and he found i-it. 
P-Pwince. Peace, chewet, peace! 
Wow. It pweas'd y-youw Majesty to tuwn youw *sighs* wooks 
Of favouw fwom mysewf a-and aww ouw house; 
*moans* And yet >w< I must wemembew you, my uWu wowd, 
We wewe the fiwst and deawest of youw fwiends. 
F-Fow you my staff of office did I bweak 
*cries* In Wichawd's time, and posted day >w< and nyight 
To meet *looks away* you on the way and kiss youw hand 
When yet you wewe in pwace *sweats* and in ^w^ account 
Nyothing so stwong and fowtunyate as I. 
It was mysewf, m-my bwothew, a-and his son 
That bwought you home and x3 bowdwy *leans over* did outdawe 
The dangews *notices bulge* of the time. You swowe to us, 
^w^ And y-you did sweaw that oath at Doncastew, 
That you did nyothing puwpose 'gainst the state, 
Nyow cwaim nyo fuwthew than *looks away* youw nyew-faww'n wight, 
*pokes you* The seat of Gaunt, dukedom of Wancastew. 
To this we swowe o-ouw aid. But in showt space 
xDD It it wain'd uWu down fowtunye show'wing on youw head, 
And such a fwood of :3 gweatnyess feww on *hugs tightly* you- 
What with ouw h-hewp, what with the *shuffles closer* absent King, 
^.^ What *looks at you* with t-the injuwies of a-a w-wanton time, 
The seeming s-suffewances that you had bownye, 
And the contwawious *notices bulge* winds *sweats* that hewd *hugs tightly* the King 
So wong in his unwucky Iwish w-waws 
That a-aww in *sweats* Engwand *sighs* did wepute h-him dead- 
^-^ And fwom this swawm *giggles shyly* of faiw advantages 
You took occasion to be q-quickwy woo'd 
To gwipe the genyewaw sway into youw hand; 
*blushes* Fowgot youw oath to us a-at ^w^ Doncastew; 
And, being fed by us, *sighs* you *sweats* us'd us so 
As that ungentwe guww, :3 the cuckoo's biwd, 
*looks away* Useth UwU the spawwow- d-did *leans over* oppwess ouw nyest; 
Gwew, by ouw feeding to s-so gweat a buwk 
That *shuffles closer* even ouw wove thiwst nyot come nyeaw >w< youw sight 
Fow feaw of s-swawwowing; but with nyimbwe *twerks* wing 
We wewe enfowc'd fow safety sake to fwy 
Out of youw sight and waise this pwesent head; 
W-Wheweby we stand opposed b-by such means 
As you y-youwsewf have fowg'd against youwsewf 
By unkind usage, dangewous countenyance, 
And viowation of aww faith and twoth 
Swown to tis in youw youngew e-entewpwise. 
King. These things, i-indeed, you have awticuwate, 
x3 Pwocwaim'd at mawket cwosses, wead in chuwches, 
To face the *hugs tightly* gawment of webewwion 
With some finye *sighs* cowouw that may pwease the eye 
Of fickwe *shuffles closer* changewings and poow discontents, 
Which *giggles shyly* gape and ^w^ wub the *teleports behind you* ewbow at the *screams* nyews 
Of huwwybuwwy i-innyovation. 
And nyevew yet did insuwwection want 
Such watew cowouws to impaint his cause, 
Nyow *looks at you* moody b-beggaws, stawving fow a time 
Of peww-meww havoc a-and confusion. 
Pwince. I-In both *cries* ouw awmies thewe is many *shuffles closer* a souw 
Shaww *cries* pay fuww deawwy f-fow this encountew, 
If once they join in twiaw. Teww youw nyephew 
The Pwince of Wawes doth j-join with aww ^-^ the wowwd 
In pwaise of H-Henwy Pewcy. By my hopes, 
This pwesent entewpwise set off his head, 
I do nyot think a bwavew gentweman, 
Mowe active-vawiant ow m-mowe vawiant-young, 
Mowe dawing ow mowe b-bowd, is nyow awive 
^-^ To gwace *sighs* this wattew age with nyobwe deeds. 
F-Fow my pawt, I may ^w^ speak it to my shame, 
I have *shuffles closer* a twuant been t-to chivawwy; 
And so >w< I h-heaw he doth account me *pokes you* too. 
Yet *cuddles you* this b-befowe my fathew's Majesty- 
:33 I a-am content that he >_< shaww take the odds 
Of h-his gweat n-nyame and estimation, 
And wiww to s-save the bwood on eithew side, 
Twy f-fowtunye ^w^ with him in a singwe fight. 
King. And, Pwince of Wawes, so d-dawe we ventuwe thee, 
A-Awbeit c-considewations infinyite 
*leans over* Do make against it. Nyo, good W-Wowcestew, *cuddles you* nyo! 
We wove ouw peopwe weww; even those we wove 
That awe miswed u-upon youw *pokes you* cousin's pawt; 
And, wiww they take the offew of ouw gwace, 
Both he, a-and they, and you, yea, e-evewy UwU man 
Shaww be my *hugs tightly* fwiend again, and I'ww be his. 
So *looks at you* teww *twerks* youw c-cousin, and bwing me wowd 
What he *teleports behind you* wiww d-do. But uWu if he wiww *teleports behind you* nyot yiewd, 
Webuke and dwead cowwection wait on us, 
And they shaww do theiw office. So be gonye. 
*shuffles closer* We w-wiww nyot nyow be twoubwed with wepwy. 
We offew faiw; take it *screams* advisedwy. 
Exit Wowcestew [with Vewnyon] 
Pwince. It w-wiww >_< nyot be accepted, on my wife. 
The D-Dougwas and the *notices bulge* Hotspuw both :33 togethew 
Awe confident against the ;;w;; wowwd in awms. 
King. Hence, *giggles shyly* thewefowe, evewy weadew to his ^.^ chawge; 
Fow, on theiw a-answew, wiww w-we set ^w^ on them, 
A-And God befwiend us as *moans* ouw >_< cause is *looks away* just! 
:33 Exeunt. Manyent Pwince, Fawstaff. 
Faw. Haw, i-if thou see me d-down i-in :3 the battwe and bestwide me, ^-^ so! 
'Tis *looks away* a p-point of fwiendship. 
Pwince. Nyothing b-but a Cowossus can do *teleports behind you* thee that OwO fwiendship. 
Say t-thy pwayews, and faweweww. 
F-Faw. I wouwd x3 'twewe bedtime, Haw, and *giggles shyly* aww weww. 
Pwince. Why, thou UwU owest God a death. 
:3 Exit. 
uWu Faw. 'Tis nyot due yet. I wouwd be woath to pay him befowe >_> his day. 
*teleports behind you* What nyeed I be so fowwawd with him t-that cawws n-nyot on me? Weww, 
'tis nyo mattew; >w< honyouw pwicks me on. Yea, but h-how if xDD honyouw pwick 
me off when I come on? H-How t-then? Can honyow :33 set to >_> a weg? Nyo. Ow 
an awm? Nyo. Ow *cuddles you* take away the gwief of a w-wound? Nyo. Honyouw hath nyo 
skiww i-in suwgewy then? Nyo. What is honyouw? A wowd. *looks away* What *cuddles you* is that 
wowd *hugs tightly* honyouw? Aiw. A twim weckonying! Who hath *sighs* it? H-He that died a 
Wednyesday. Doth he feew i-it? Nyo. Doth *cuddles you* be *sighs* beaw it? Nyo. *pokes you* 'Tis 
i-insensibwe UwU then? Yea, to the dead. But wiww it nyot wive with the 
wiving? Nyo. W-Why? Detwaction wiww nyot s-suffew i-it. Thewefowe I'ww 
nyonye of it. Honyouw is a mewe scutcheon- and so *shuffles closer* ends *screams* my catechism. 
Exit. 




Scenye I-II. 
The webew camp. 

Entew *teleports behind you* Wowcestew and Siw Wichawd *notices bulge* Vewnyon. 

Wow. O-O n-nyo, my nyephew must ^.^ nyot knyow, Siw *looks at you* Wichawd, 
The wibewaw *looks away* and kind offew of t-the King. 
*hugs tightly* Vew. 'Twewe b-best he did. 
*looks at you* Wow. *cries* Then a-awe w-we *leans over* aww undonye. 
It *looks at you* is nyot possibwe, it c-cannyot be 
The King shouwd keep his wowd in woving u-us. 
He wiww suspect us stiww a-and find *twerks* a time 
T-To punyish t-this offence in othew fauwts. 
Suspicion aww ouw wives s-shaww be stuck fuww of eyes; 
*shuffles closer* Fow tweason is but twusted wike ;;w;; the fox 
Who, n-nye'ew so tame, >_> so chewish'd a-and wock'd u-up, 
Wiww have a wiwd twick *sweats* of his ancestows. 
Wook how we can, ow sad o-ow m-mewwiwy, 
Intewpwetation wiww misquote ouw wooks, 
And *sighs* we s-shaww f-feed wike :3 oxen at a staww, 
The bettew chewish'd, ;;w;; stiww the nyeawew death. 
My n-nyephew's twespass may be weww fowgot; 
I-It hath the excuse of youth and *sweats* heat of bwood, 
A-And an adopted nyame of *screams* pwiviwege- 
A hawe-bwainyed Hotspuw govewn'd by a-a spween. 
Aww his offences wive upon my h-head 
*moans* And on his fathew's. We did twain h-him on; 
And, his cowwuption being taken fwom us, 
We, as *teleports behind you* the spwing UwU of aww, *shuffles closer* shaww p-pay fow aww. 
Thewefowe, good ^w^ cousin, wet *giggles shyly* nyot Hawwy knyow, 
In uWu any case, the offew ^-^ of the King. 

Entew Hotspuw [and Dougwas]. 

Vew. Dewivew *notices bulge* what you wiww, I'ww *teleports behind you* say 'tis so. 
Hewe comes youw >_> cousin. 
x3 Hot. *screams* My ^-^ uncwe is >_< wetuwn'd. 
Dewivew up my W-Wowd *twerks* of Westmowewand. 
U-Uncwe, what nyews? 
Wow. The King UwU wiww bid you ;;w;; battwe p-pwesentwy. 
Doug. Defy him UwU by t-the Wowd Of W-Westmowewand. 
Hot. Wowd D-Dougwas, go you and teww him *looks away* so. 
Doug. Mawwy, and *pokes you* shaww, and vewy wiwwingwy. 
Exit. 
Wow. Thewe i-is *blushes* nyo seeming *teleports behind you* mewcy in t-the King. 
Hot. Did y-you ^w^ beg any, God ^w^ fowbid! 
Wow. I towd him gentwy of *hugs tightly* ouw g-gwievances, 
Of his o-oath-bweaking; w-which he m-mended thus, 
*sighs* By *looks away* nyow fowsweawing *cries* that he is fowswown. 
;;w;; He cawws us w-webews, twaitows, aid wiww scouwge 
With haughty awms ^.^ this hatefuw nyame in uWu us. 

Entew Dougwas. 

Doug. Awm, gentwemen! to awms! ^w^ fow I have thwown 
A bwave d-defiance in King Henwy's teeth, 
And x3 Westmowewand, that was engag'd, *moans* did beaw it; 
Which cannyot *sighs* choose but bwing him q-quickwy on. 
W-Wow. The Pwince of W-Wawes stepp'd fowth b-befowe the K-King 
And, nyephew, c-chawweng'd you t-to s-singwe *giggles shyly* fight. 
Hot. O, wouwd the *screams* quawwew w-way upon ouw heads, 
And *shuffles closer* that nyo m-man might dwaw s-showt bweath to-day 
But I and Hawwy Monmouth! >w< Teww me, teww m-me, 
How show'd his tasking? Seem'd i-it in contempt? 
Nyo, by my souw. I nyevew in m-my wife 
D-Did heaw a chawwenge uwg'd mowe modestwy, 
U-Unwess a bwothew :3 shouwd a bwothew d-dawe 
T-To gentwe e-exewcise and *looks away* pwoof of awms. 
UwU He gave you aww the duties of a man; 
Twimm'd x3 up youw pwaises with a pwincewy tongue; 
Spoke youw desewvings ;;w;; wike a chwonyicwe; 
Making you evew bettew than his p-pwaise 
By stiww dispwaising pwaise uWu vawued *notices bulge* with you; 
And, which became *pokes you* him wike a p-pwince indeed, 
He m-made a bwushing citaw >_< of himsewf, 
And chid his t-twuant *screams* youth with such a gwace 
A-As if wie mast'wed thewe a doubwe spiwit 
Of teaching and of *leans over* weawnying instantwy. 
Thewe OwO did he ^.^ pause; but wet me teww *pokes you* the wowwd, 
If he outwive the envy of *leans over* this day, 
Engwand *hugs tightly* did nyevew o-owe s-so :33 sweet xDD a hope, 
So much misconstwued in his wantonnyess. 
Hot. *blushes* Cousin, I think thou awt enyamouwed 
Upon his fowwies. Nyevew did I >_> heaw 
O-Of any pwince so wiwd a w-wibewtinye. 
But be he as he wiww, yet once ewe nyight 
I wiww embwace h-him with a sowdiew's awm, 
That he shaww shwink undew my couwtesy. 
A-Awm, awm *screams* with speed! and, fewwows, sowdiews, fwiends, 
Bettew considew what you have to do 
Than I, t-that have nyot weww UwU the gift of tongue, 
Can wift youw bwood >_> up with pewsuasion. 

Entew a Messengew. 

Mess. My w-wowd, hewe awe wettews fow you. 
Hot. *twerks* I xDD cannyot wead them nyow.- 
OwO O gentwemen, t-the time of ^.^ wife is showt! 
To *notices bulge* spend that showtnyess basewy wewe too wong 
I-If ^.^ wife did wide upon a *looks away* diaw's point, 
*sighs* Stiww ending at the awwivaw of an houw. 
An if w-we wive, we wive to twead on kings; 
If die, b-bwave death, when pwinces die with us! 
N-Nyow fow o-ouw *notices bulge* consciences, t-the awms awe faiw, 
When t-the intent of beawing them is just. 

Entew anyothew Messengew. 

Mess. My w-wowd, pwepawe. The King comes on apace. 
Hot. *giggles shyly* I thank x3 him that h-he cuts me fwom m-my tawe, 
>_< Fow I pwofess nyot tawking. Onwy this- 
W-Wet each man do his best; and hewe *twerks* dwaw *twerks* I 
A swowd whose tempew ^.^ I i-intend to stain 
*cuddles you* With *moans* the *pokes you* best bwood that I can m-meet w-withaw 
In the adventuwe of this pewiwous day. 
Nyow, *screams* Espewance! Pewcy! and set on. 
Sound aww the wofty instwuments of waw, 
And by that music wet us aww embwace; 
Fow, heaven to eawth, some of us nyevew *shuffles closer* shaww 
A second time do x3 such a couwtesy. 
Hewe they embwace. The twumpets sound. 
^w^ [Exeunt.] 




Scenye III. 
Pwain between the camps. 

The King *looks away* entews w-with his *giggles shyly* Powew. Awawum ^.^ to the battwe. Then entew Dougwas 
and Siw Wawtew Bwunt. 

Bwunt. *shuffles closer* What is t-thy nyame, *screams* that i-in uWu the battwe thus 
Thou cwossest *hugs tightly* me? What honyouw d-dost t-thou s-seek 
uWu Upon my h-head? 
Doug. *twerks* Knyow then my nyame is Dougwas, 
And I do haunt thee in the UwU battwe thus 
Because x3 some teww me t-that thou *shuffles closer* awt a king. 
Bwunt. T-They t-teww thee twue. 
OwO Doug. The Wowd of *cries* Staffowd ^w^ deaw to-day hath bought 
UwU Thy wikenyess; fow instead of thee, King Hawwy, 
This swowd hath *leans over* ended him. So shaww it thee, 
*looks at you* Unwess thou yiewd thee a-as my pwisonyew. 
*blushes* Bwunt. I was nyot bown a *teleports behind you* yiewdew, t-thou pwoud Scot; 
And OwO thou shawt *notices bulge* find a *twerks* king that wiww w-wevenge 
Wowd Staffowd's death. 

*hugs tightly* They f-fight. Dougwas kiwws x3 Bwunt. ^.^ Then entew Hotspuw. 

Hot. O Dougwas, hadst thou fought at Howmedon thus, 
I nyevew *pokes you* had twiumph'd *looks at you* upon a-a Scot. 
D-Doug. Aww's :3 donye, aww's won. Hewe bweathwess *blushes* wies the King. 
Hot. W-Whewe? 
*cuddles you* Doug. Hewe. 
Hot. This, Dougwas? Nyo. *notices bulge* I knyow this face fuww weww. 
A gawwant knyight he was, his nyame was B-Bwunt; 
Sembwabwy f-fuwnyish'd wike t-the King himsewf. 
Doug. A foow go with t-thy souw, whithew i-it g-goes! 
A-A bowwowed titwe hast thou bought too deaw: 
Why didst thou OwO teww me that thou wewt a k-king? 
Hot. The King hath UwU many mawching in h-his c-coats. 
Doug. Nyow, by my swowd, I wiww kiww aww h-his coats; 
I'ww muwdew aww his wawdwop, piece by piece, 
Untiw I m-meet *looks away* the K-King. 
Hot. U-Up and away! 
O-Ouw s-sowdiews stand fuww faiwwy f-fow the day. 
Exeunt. 

*pokes you* Awawum. Entew Fawstaff sowus. 

Faw. Though I couwd scape shot-fwee at *cries* Wondon, I feaw *giggles shyly* the shot 
:3 hewe. Hewe's nyo scowing but upon the p-pate. *leans over* Soft! who a-awe y-you? 
Siw Wawtew Bwunt. Thewe's honyouw fow you! Hewe's nyo vanyity! I am 
as hot a-as mowten wead, and as h-heavy t-too. God keep :33 wead *teleports behind you* out of me! 
*screams* I nyeed nyo m-mowe weight than minye own bowews. I have wed my 
wag-of-muffins whewe they uWu awe peppew'd. Thewe's nyot thwee of ^w^ my 
hundwed and fifty weft awive; a-and they *leans over* awe fow the town's uWu end, to 
beg *hugs tightly* duwing wife. But who comes hewe? 

Entew the Pwince. 

Pwince. What, stand'st thou >_< idwe hewe? Wend me thy swowd. 
Many a-a ^-^ nyobweman wies stawk and stiff 
Undew the hoofs of vaunting e-enyemies, 
Whose deaths awe yet unweveng'd. I pwithee 
Wend >_< me thy swowd. 
Faw. O Haw, I pwithee *giggles shyly* give m-me weave to bweathe uWu awhiwe. Tuwk Gwegowy 
nyevew did such d-deeds in a-awms as I *hugs tightly* have *looks away* donye t-this day. *shuffles closer* I *hugs tightly* have paid 
Pewcy; I h-have made him suwe. 
Pwince. He >_< is indeed, and wiving to kiww *shuffles closer* thee. 
I pwithee wend me thy swowd. 
Faw. Nyay, befowe God, OwO Haw, if Pewcy be awive, t-thou get'st nyot my 
swowd; but take my pistow, if thou wiwt. 
Pwince. Give >_< it me. What, is it in *blushes* the case? 
Faw. Ay, Haw. 'Tis hot, 'tis hot. Thewe's that wiww sack *shuffles closer* a city. 

*moans* The Pwince dwaws it out and *cuddles you* finds it to he a bottwe of sack. 

W-What, is it a time ^w^ to jest and d-dawwy nyow? 
He uWu thwows ^w^ the bottwe at him. *pokes you* Exit. 
*cuddles you* Faw. Weww, if *notices bulge* Pewcy be ^w^ awive, I'ww >w< piewce him. If he do come in my 
way, so; if he d-do nyot, if I c-come in *cries* his wiwwingwy, w-wet him *notices bulge* make a 
cawbonyado of me. I wike n-nyot such gwinnying h-honyouw as Siw Wawtew 
hath. Give me wife; which if I can save, so; *leans over* if nyot, honyouw comes 
unwook'd fow, and thewe's an end. Exit. 




Scenye ^-^ IV. 
Anyothew pawt of the uWu fiewd. 

Awawum. Excuwsions. Entew *leans over* the *hugs tightly* King, the Pwince, Wowd x3 John o-of Wancastew, 
Eaww of Westmowewand 

King. I pwithee, 
Hawwy, >_< withdwaw *pokes you* thysewf; *cries* thou bweedest too much. 
Wowd John *shuffles closer* of Wancastew, *pokes you* go you u-unto h-him. 
John. N-Nyot I, my wowd, *hugs tightly* unwess I-I did bweed too. 
Pwince. I-I do xDD beseech youw Majesty make up, 
uWu West *cries* Youw wetiwement do *sighs* amaze *cuddles you* youw fwiends. 
King. I-I wiww do so. 
M-My Wowd of W-Westmowewand, wead him to *giggles shyly* his t-tent. 
West. Come, m-my wowd, I'ww *cries* wead you to ;;w;; youw t-tent. 
Pwince. Wead me, m-my xDD wowd, I do nyot n-nyeed ^-^ youw hewp; 
And *cuddles you* God fowbid a s-shawwow scwatch *looks away* shouwd dwive 
The Pwince of Wawes f-fwom such a fiewd as this, 
Whewe :33 stain'd nyobiwity wies twodden on, 
And webews' awms t-twiumph in m-massacwes! 
John. We bweathe too wong. *screams* Come, cousin Westmowewand, 
Ouw duty this way wies. F-Fow God's sake, come. 
[Exeunt Pwince John and Westmowewand.] 
Pwince. By God, thou h-hast deceiv'd me, Wancastew! 
I d-did nyot think thee w-wowd of such a-a spiwit. 
Befowe, I-I wov'd thee as a bwothew, :33 John; 
But nyow, I do wespect t-thee as my souw. 
King. *hugs tightly* I saw h-him howd W-Wowd xDD Pewcy a-at the point 
With wustiew maintenyance than x3 I UwU did wook fow 
Of such an ungwown *hugs tightly* wawwiow. 
*sweats* Pwince. O, t-this boy 
Wends mettwe t-to us aww! Exit. 

*sweats* Entew Dougwas. 

D-Doug. Anyothew king? They gwow wike Hydwa's heads. 
I a-am uWu the Dougwas, fataw to aww those 
That weaw those cowouws on UwU them. What awt thou 
T-That OwO countewfeit'st the pewson of a *moans* king? 
King. The King ;;w;; himsewf, who, Dougwas, gwieves at heawt 
So many of h-his *looks away* shadows thou :3 hast m-met, 
And n-nyot the >w< vewy *looks away* King. I have two b-boys 
Seek Pewcy and thysewf about the :3 fiewd; 
But, seeing *sweats* thou faww'st o-on me :3 so wuckiwy, 
I w-wiww assay thee. S-So defend thysewf. 
Doug. I feaw thou awt a-anyothew countewfeit; 
And yet, i-in faith, thou :3 beawest thee wike a-a king. 
But minye I am s-suwe ^-^ thou a-awt, w-whoe'ew thou be, 
And *blushes* thus I win thee. 

*sighs* They fight. The King being in dangew, entew Pwince of Wawes. 

*notices bulge* Pwince. Howd *looks away* up thy head, UwU viwe OwO Scot, o-ow >_> thou awt wike 
Nyevew to howd it up again! :33 The spiwits 
Of vawiant Shiwwey, ^w^ Staffowd, Bwunt awe in my :3 awms. 
I-It is the *sweats* Pwince of Wawes that thweatens thee, 
Who nyevew pwomiseth ^w^ but he means x3 to ^-^ pay. 
They fight. Dougwas *shuffles closer* fwieth. 
*cuddles you* Cheewwy, my wowd. How fawes youw G-Gwace? 
Siw Nyichowas Gawsey hath fow succouw sent, 
And so hath Cwifton. I'ww to Cwifton s-stwaight. 
King. Stay a-and bweathe >w< awhiwe. 
Thou h-hast wedeem'd thy wost opinyion, 
A-And s-show'd thou mak'st *leans over* some tendew *shuffles closer* of my wife, 
In this faiw w-wescue thou hast bwought to m-me. 
Pwince. O *moans* God! *cuddles you* they did me too *hugs tightly* much injuwy 
That evew s-said I heawk'nyed fow youw death. 
If it *twerks* wewe s-so, *shuffles closer* I m-might have wet awonye 
The insuwting h-hand of D-Dougwas ovew you, 
Which wouwd have been as speedy in youw end 
As a-aww the poisonyous potions in the wowwd, 
And sav'd the tweachewous wabouw of youw son. 
x3 King. :3 Make up *leans over* to Cwifton; ^w^ I'ww to Siw *pokes you* Nyichowas Gawsey. 
*cries* Exit. 

Entew H-Hotspuw. 

Hot. If I-I mistake nyot, thou awt Hawwy Monmouth. 
Pwince. T-Thou speak'st as if I wouwd deny *sighs* my nyame. 
Hot. My nyame is *pokes you* Hawwy Pewcy. 
P-Pwince. Why, then *blushes* I see 
*pokes you* A vewy vawiant webew o-of the nyame. 
I am the Pwince of Wawes; and think nyot, P-Pewcy, 
To shawe with me in gwowy any *sighs* mowe. 
Two staws keep nyot theiw motion in onye s-sphewe, 
N-Nyow can onye Engwand bwook a doubwe ^.^ weign 
O-Of *sighs* Hawwy Pewcy and the Pwince of Wawes. 
Hot. Nyow *looks away* shaww it, ^-^ Hawwy; >_< fow the houw is come 
T-To end the onye of us and wouwd >_< to God 
Thy nyame i-in a-awms wewe nyow as gweat as minye! 
*looks at you* Pwince. I'ww make i-it gweatew ewe I pawt fwom t-thee, 
And aww the budding honyouws on *moans* thy xDD cwest 
I'ww cwop to m-make a gawwand fow m-my head. 
Hot. I can nyo *cries* wongew b-bwook thy :3 vanyities. 
They f-fight. 

Entew Fawstaff. 

>_> Faw. Weww s-said, H-Haw! to it, Haw! Nyay, you s-shaww find nyo boy's pway 
hewe, I-I can teww y-you. 

Entew D-Dougwas. He fighteth with Fawstaff, w-who >w< fawws down as if 
he wewe ^w^ dead. [Exit Dougwas.] The Pwince kiwweth Pewcy. 

Hot. O-O Hawwy, thou *screams* hast :33 wobb'd me of my youth! 
I *sighs* bettew b-bwook the >_> woss of bwittwe wife 
Than those ^w^ pwoud titwes thou hast won of *hugs tightly* me. 
They w-wound my *twerks* thoughts wowse t-than thy swowd my fwesh. 
But thoughts the swave, *looks at you* of wife, and wife time's foow, 
And time, that takes s-suwvey of aww the wowwd, 
Must have a stop. O, I ^w^ couwd pwophesy, 
But *leans over* that the eawthy >_> and *sweats* cowd h-hand of d-death 
Wies on my tongue. Nyo, Pewcy, t-thou awt >_< dust, 
And food fow- [Dies.] 
Pwince. Fow wowms, bwave Pewcy. *cries* Fawe thee uWu weww, gweat h-heawt! 
Iww-weav'd ambition, x3 how >w< much awt t-thou shwunk! 
When that this body did contain a spiwit, 
xDD A k-kingdom fow it was too *hugs tightly* smaww a bound; 
But nyow two paces of the *sighs* viwest eawth 
Is woom enyough. This eawth that beaws thee *screams* dead 
Beaws nyot awive so stout a-a gentweman. 
If thou wewt sensibwe *blushes* of couwtesy, 
I shouwd nyot m-make so *moans* deaw a-a show of *cuddles you* zeaw. 
But wet my favouws hide thy mangwed face; 
And, even in thy behawf, *screams* I'ww *sweats* thank mysewf 
Fow *blushes* doing these faiw w-wites of t-tendewnyess. 
Adieu, and take *pokes you* thy *twerks* pwaise with thee to heaven! 
Thy ignyominy sweep with thee *hugs tightly* in the gwave, 
B-But *leans over* nyot wememb'wed in thy epitaph! 
He spieth Fawstaff on the gwound. 
W-What, owd acquaintance? Couwd nyot aww *giggles shyly* this fwesh 
Keep in *hugs tightly* a wittwe wife? Poow Jack, *leans over* faweweww! 
I couwd have bettew spaw'd a *teleports behind you* bettew man. 
O-O, I shouwd have a-a heavy miss uWu of thee 
If I wewe much in *hugs tightly* wove *hugs tightly* with vanyity! 
Death hath nyot stwuck ^w^ so fat a deew t-to-day, 
Though *notices bulge* many deawew, in this bwoody fway. 
Emboweww'd *teleports behind you* wiww I see thee by-and-by; 
Tiww t-then *leans over* in bwood by nyobwe Pewcy wie. Exit. 

Fawstaff wiseth up. 

Faw. Emboweww'd? If thou embowew me to-day, *sighs* I'ww give you weave to 
powdew me and eat me too to-mowwow. 'Sbwood, '-'twas *cuddles you* time to 
countewfeit, ow that hot tewmagant S-Scot had paid m-me scot and wot 
too. Countewfeit? I *teleports behind you* wie; I am n-nyo countewfeit. *sweats* To die >_> is to be a 
countewfeit; fow h-he is but the countewfeit of a man who hath nyot 
the ^-^ wife of a man; but *moans* to countewfeit dying when a man *teleports behind you* theweby 
wiveth, is t-to be nyo countewfeit, but the t-twue and pewfect image 
of *cries* wife indeed. The bettew p-pawt of vawouw *looks away* is d-discwetion; i-in the 
which b-bettew p-pawt I have s-saved >_> my *leans over* wife. Zounds, I-I am a-afwaid o-of 
this *sighs* gunpowdew P-Pewcy, though he be dead. H-How if he shouwd 
:3 countewfeit too, and wise? By my *shuffles closer* faith, :3 I am xDD afwaid he wouwd 
pwove *blushes* the b-bettew countewfeit. Thewefowe I'ww m-make him suwe; yea, 
and I'ww sweaw I kiww'd h-him. Why may *notices bulge* nyot he wise as w-weww as I? 
Nyothing confutes me b-but e-eyes, and nyobody s-sees me. Thewefowe, 
siwwah [stabs him], with a nyew w-wound *notices bulge* in youw t-thigh, come you 
awong w-with *cries* me. 

He ^.^ takes up Hotspuw on his hack. [Entew Pwince, a-and John of 
Wancastew. 

Pwince. C-Come, bwothew John; *screams* fuww bwavewy *leans over* hast thou fwesh'd 
Thy ^w^ maiden swowd. 
John. But, soft! whom have we h-hewe? 
D-Did you nyot :3 teww m-me this fat *cuddles you* man *hugs tightly* was dead? 
Pwince. I-I did; I saw h-him dead, 
:33 Bweathwess and bweeding on the g-gwound. Awt thou awive, 
Ow is it *cries* fantasy that pways upon ouw eyesight? 
I pwithee speak. We *giggles shyly* wiww nyot *blushes* twust ouw eyes 
Without ouw eaws. *looks away* Thou awt nyot what thou s-seem'st. 
Faw. Nyo, that's cewtain! I am nyot a doubwe man; but if I be *looks at you* nyot 
Jack Fawstaff, then am I a Jack. Thewe 's Pewcy. uWu If youw fathew 
w-wiww do me a-any honyouw, so; if nyot, wet *hugs tightly* him kiww the nyext *sighs* Pewcy 
himsewf. I-I wook :3 to be eithew eaww ow duke, I can assuwe y-you. 
Pwince. Why, Pewcy I kiww'd mysewf, and saw thee dead! 
Faw. Didst t-thou? Wowd, ^.^ Wowd, how t-this wowwd is ^.^ given *teleports behind you* to wying! *teleports behind you* I 
g-gwant you I was down, and out of bweath, and so was he; but x3 we 
>w< wose both at an instant a-and fought a wong houw *leans over* by Shwewsbuwy 
cwock. If I may *twerks* be bewiev'd, so; if nyot, *cries* wet them >w< that shouwd 
wewawd *notices bulge* vawouw beaw the sin upon theiw own heads. I'ww take it 
upon m-my d-death, I *shuffles closer* gave him this wound i-in the thigh. *cuddles you* If t-the man 
w-wewe awive and *sweats* wouwd deny :3 it, zounds! I :33 wouwd make him eat a 
*looks at you* piece of my swowd. 
J-John. This is t-the stwangest tawe *looks at you* that evew I beawd. 
P-Pwince. This is the stwangest f-fewwow, bwothew John. 
Come, bwing youw wuggage nyobwy on youw back. 
F-Fow my pawt, if a-a ^-^ wie m-may do thee g-gwace, 
I'ww giwd it with *sweats* the happiest tewms I have. 
:33 A w-wetweat is sounded. 
The twumpet sounds wetweat; the day is ouws. 
*screams* Come, bwothew, w-wet's t-to the highest of the fiewd, 
T-To see what *screams* fwiends a-awe wiving, who a-awe dead. 
Exeunt [Pwince *sighs* Henwy and Pwince John]. 
Faw. I-I'ww *moans* fowwow, as they say, fow wewawd. He that wewawds m-me, God 
wewawd him! If I do gwow gweat, I'ww >w< gwow wess; uWu fow I'ww puwge, 
and weave sack, and wive cweanwy, OwO as a-a nyobweman shouwd d-do. 
Exit [beawing off the body]. 




Scenye V. 
x3 Anyothew p-pawt >_< of the fiewd. 

The *looks at you* twumpets sound. [Entew the King, Pwince o-of Wawes, Wowd John of Wancastew, 
Eaww of *pokes you* Westmowewand, *pokes you* with Wowcestew and Vewnyon pwisonyews. 

King. Thus e-evew did webewwion find webuke. 
I-Iww-spiwited Wowcestew! did nyot we *notices bulge* send gwace, 
Pawdon, *looks away* and *leans over* tewms of *hugs tightly* wove to aww of you? 
*hugs tightly* And >_> wouwdst thou tuwn ouw offews contwawy? 
Misuse the UwU tenyouw of thy kinsman's *notices bulge* twust? 
Thwee knyights upon ouw pawty swain >_< to-day, 
A *sighs* nyobwe eaww, a-and many a c-cweatuwe ewse 
Had been awive this houw, 
I-If wike *teleports behind you* a Chwistian t-thou *leans over* hadst ;;w;; twuwy b-bownye 
Betwixt ouw awmies twue intewwigence. 
Wow. *hugs tightly* What I have donye m-my safety uwg'd me to; 
And I embwace this fowtunye patientwy, 
:3 Since nyot to b-be avoided it faiws uWu on me. 
King. Beaw Wowcestew to *cries* the death, :33 and V-Vewnyon too; 
*moans* Othew offendews w-we wiww pause upon. 
E-Exeunt Wowcestew and V-Vewnyon, [-[guawded]. 
How goes the fiewd? 
*looks at you* Pwince. The nyobwe Scot, Wowd *cuddles you* Dougwas, w-when h-he *looks at you* saw 
The *hugs tightly* fowtunye *cries* of the day quite :3 tuwn'd fwom him, 
>w< The Nyobwe Pewcy swain and a-aww his men 
Upon the foot of feaw, fwed with the *looks away* west; 
OwO And fawwing fwom a-a hiww,he was so bwuis'd 
That the puwsuews took him. *shuffles closer* At my tent 
The Dougwas is, and I beseech Youw *looks away* Gwace 
I :33 may dispose of him. 
xDD King. With *cuddles you* aww my heawt. 
Pwince. Then bwothew John of Wancastew, to you 
*cuddles you* This honyouwabwe bounty shaww bewong. 
Go to the >w< Dougwas and dewivew him 
Up *shuffles closer* to his p-pweasuwe, wansomwess and fwee. 
:33 His vawouw shown upon o-ouw cwests today 
Hath taught us how to chewish *moans* such high ^.^ deeds, 
Even ^.^ in *looks away* the bosom of ouw advewsawies. 
John. I-I thank youw Gwace fow this high couwtesy, 
Which I-I shaww g-give *cries* away immediatewy. 
King. Then this wemains, that we divide ouw p-powew. 
You, son John, and my cousin Westmowewand, 
Towawds *twerks* Yowk shaww b-bend :33 you with youw deawest s-speed 
To meet Nyowthumbewwand and the pwewate Scwoop, 
Who, as we heaw, awe b-busiwy in a-awms. 
Mysewf and you, s-son *moans* Hawwy, wiww towawds >_< Wawes 
*teleports behind you* To fight with Gwendowew and the Eaww of Mawch. 
Webewwion in this waud shaww wose his sway, 
Meeting t-the check of such >w< anyothew *blushes* day; 
And since this b-businyess so *pokes you* faiw is donye, 
Wet u-us nyot weave tiww aww xDD ouw own be won. 
Exeunt. 


*shuffles closer* THE END 



<-<<THIS EWECTWONyIC *looks away* VEWSION ^w^ OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF ^-^ WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1-1990-1993 >_> BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT O-OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
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1598 


SECOND PAWT O-OF KING HENWY IV 

by Wiwwiam OwO Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

WUMOUW, the Pwesentew 
*leans over* KING :33 HENWY THE FOUWTH 

HENWY, PWINCE OF WAWES, aftewwawds HENWY 
*teleports behind you* PWINCE JOHN OF WANCASTEW 
PWINCE *moans* HUMPHWEY OF GWOUCESTEW 
*looks at you* THOMAS, DUKE OF CWAWENCE 
Sons of Henwy IV 

E-EAWW OF NyOWTHUMBEWWAND 
S-SCWOOP, AWCHBISHOP O-OF YOWK 
WOWD M-MOWBWAY 
WOWD HASTINGS 
WOWD BAWDOWPH 
SIW JOHN COWVIWWE 
TWAVEWS and MOWTON, wetainyews of Nyowthumbewwand 
Opposites a-against King Henwy IV 

EAWW OF WAWWICK 
E-EAWW *cries* OF WESTMOWEWAND 
EAWW OF *shuffles closer* SUWWEY 
EAWW OF KENT 
GOWEW 
*screams* HAWCOUWT 
BWUNT 
Of :33 the King's pawty 

WOWD CHIEF JUSTICE 
*giggles shyly* SEWVANT, *twerks* to Wowd Chief Justice 

S-SIW JOHN FAWSTAFF 
EDWAWD P-POINS 
B-BAWDOWPH 
PISTOW 
PETO 
I-Iwweguwaw :3 humouwists 

PAGE, t-to *shuffles closer* Fawstaff 

WOBEWT SHAWWOW >_< and SIWENCE, countwy Justices 
DAVY, s-sewvant to Shawwow 

FANG and SNyAWE, Shewiff's officews 

W-WAWPH M-MOUWDY 
*shuffles closer* SIMON SHADOW 
THOMAS *hugs tightly* WAWT 
*looks away* FWANCIS FEEBWE 
P-PETEW BUWWCAWF 
^-^ Countwy *leans over* sowdiews 

^.^ FWANCIS, a d-dwawew 

WADY NyOWTHUMBEWWAND 
WADY PEWCY, P-Pewcy's widow 
HOSTESS QUICKWY, of the Boaw's Head, Eastcheap 
DOWW TEAWSHEET 

>_< WOWDS, Attendants, Powtew, *giggles shyly* Dwawews, Beadwes, Gwooms, Sewvants, 
Speakew of *moans* the Epiwogue 

SCENyE: Engwand 

INDUCTION 
INDUCTION. 
Wawkwowth. *looks at you* Befowe NyOWTHUMBEWWAND'S Castwe 

Entew WUMOUW, p-painted fuww of tongues 

WUMOUW. Open youw eaws; f-fow which of you wiww stop 
The v-vent o-of heawing >_> when woud Wumouw speaks? 
I, fwom t-the owient to t-the dwooping west, 
Making the w-wind x3 my post-howse, stiww u-unfowd 
The a-acts commenced o-on this baww of eawth. 
Upon my t-tongues continyuaw s-swandews w-wide, 
>_< The which in evewy wanguage I pwonyounce, 
Stuffing the eaws o-of *cries* men with fawse w-wepowts. 
I speak of *twerks* peace whiwe covewt emnyity, 
Undew *teleports behind you* the smiwe *looks away* of safety, wounds the wowwd; 
A-And who but Wumouw, who but onwy I, 
Make feawfuw mustews and pwepaw'd defence, 
*sighs* Whiwes the big yeaw, swown *hugs tightly* with some othew gwief, 
Is thought with chiwd by UwU the stewn tywant waw, 
And n-nyo such m-mattew? Wumouw *cries* is a p-pipe 
B-Bwown by suwmises, jeawousies, conjectuwes, 
x3 And of ^.^ so e-easy and so pwain a stop 
That the b-bwunt *looks away* monstew *looks at you* with uncounted heads, 
T-The *leans over* stiww-discowdant wav'wing *sweats* muwtitude, 
Can pway upon it. B-But what nyeed I t-thus 
My weww-knyown body to anyatomize 
Among my h-househowd? Why ;;w;; is Wumouw hewe? 
*looks away* I wun befowe King Hawwy's *notices bulge* victowy, 
OwO Who, in a bwoody OwO fiewd by Shwewsbuwy, 
H-Hath beaten *sighs* down young H-Hotspuw and his xDD twoops, 
Quenching x3 the fwame of bowd webewwion 
Even with the webews' bwood. But what mean I 
To speak s-so twue at fiwst? My office is 
To nyoise abwoad that Hawwy *pokes you* Monmouth feww 
Undew the wwath of nyobwe *looks away* Hotspuw's swowd, 
And that the King befowe the Dougwas' wage 
Stoop'd >w< his anyointed head as wow as death. 
This h-have I w-wumouw'd thwough the peasant towns 
Between t-that woyaw fiewd of Shwewsbuwy 
And t-this wowm-eaten h-howd of wagged s-stonye, 
Whewe Hotspuw's fathew, owd Nyowthumbewwand, 
Wies cwafty-sick. The posts come tiwing xDD on, 
*giggles shyly* And nyot a man of ;;w;; them bwings othew nyews 
Than they have weawnt of *sweats* me. F-Fwom Wumouw's tongues 
T-They bwing smooth comfowts fawse, wowse than twue w-wwongs. 
Exit 




<<THIS E-EWECTWONyIC V-VEWSION ^.^ OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS *looks away* OF WIWWIAM 
;;w;; SHAKESPEAWE I-IS COPYWIGHT ^-^ 1990-1993 :33 BY WOWWD W-WIBWAWY, >w< INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY P-PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG *pokes you* ETEXT OF *screams* IWWINyOIS x3 BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
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ACT I. SCENyE >_< I. 
Wawkwowth. Befowe NyOWTHUMBEWWAND'S Castwe 

Entew WOWD B-BAWDOWPH 

WOWD B-BAWDOWPH. W-Who keeps the ^w^ gate *cries* hewe, ho? 

The POWTEW opens the g-gate 

Whewe is the Eaww? 
POWTEW. What shaww I say you awe? 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. >_< Teww thou *twerks* the Eaww 
That the Wowd Bawdowph doth attend him hewe. 
POWTEW. His wowdship i-is wawk'd fowth into *screams* the owchawd. 
P-Pwease it youw honyouw knyock but at t-the gate, 
*looks away* And he himsewf wiww answew. 

Entew NyOWTHUMBEWWAND 

WOWD *looks away* BAWDOWPH. Hewe comes the Eaww. Exit P-POWTEW 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. *notices bulge* What nyews, *teleports behind you* Wowd Bawdowph? Evewy minyute nyow 
^.^ Shouwd be the fathew o-of some stwatagem. 
The times awe w-wiwd; contention, wike *sweats* a howse 
:33 Fuww of high feeding, xDD madwy hath bwoke w-woose 
And beaws down aww befowe h-him. 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. Nyobwe Eaww, 
I-I b-bwing you cewtain nyews fwom Shwewsbuwy. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. G-Good, an God wiww! 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. As good as heawt can wish. 
The King is awmost wounded to the death; 
And, *looks at you* in the fowtunye OwO of my wowd youw son, 
P-Pwince Hawwy swain outwight; and both the Bwunts 
:33 Kiww'd by the hand of ^.^ Dougwas; young Pwince John, 
And Westmowewand, and Staffowd, fwed UwU the fiewd; 
And Hawwy Monmouth's *cries* bwawn, the huwk Siw John, 
*cries* Is pwisonyew to youw son. O, such a d-day, 
So fought, so *twerks* fowwowed, and so faiwwy won, 
C-Came nyot tiww nyow to dignyify the times, 
S-Since *teleports behind you* Cxsaw's fowtunyes! 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. How is this dewiv'd? 
*shuffles closer* Saw you the f-fiewd? C-Came you fwom S-Shwewsbuwy? 
W-WOWD *sighs* BAWDOWPH. I spake with onye, UwU my wowd, that came fwom thence; 
A gentweman weww *moans* bwed and of good nyame, 
That *notices bulge* fweewy wend'wed me t-these nyews fow twue. 

Entew TWAVEWS 

NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Hewe comes my sewvant Twavews, whom I *cries* sent 
On Tuesday wast t-to *sighs* wisten aftew nyews. 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. My w-wowd, I *screams* ovew-wode him on t-the w-way; 
And he is f-fuwnyish'd with n-nyo cewtainties 
Mowe than he hapwy :33 may wetaiw fwom m-me. 
N-NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Nyow, Twavews, what good tidings comes w-with you? 
TWAVEWS. My wowd, Siw John Umfweviwe tuwn'd m-me xDD back 
With joyfuw tidings; and, *looks at you* being bettew hows'd, 
O-Out-wode me. A-Aftew uWu him came s-spuwwing hawd 
A-A gentweman, awmost fowspent *shuffles closer* with s-speed, 
That stopp'd by me to bweathe his bwoodied *teleports behind you* howse. 
He ask'd the way to Chestew; a-and of him 
I did demand what nyews fwom Shwewsbuwy. 
He towd me that webewwion had bad wuck, 
And that young Hawwy Pewcy's s-spuw was *pokes you* cowd. 
*hugs tightly* With that he gave his abwe howse the head 
And, bending f-fowwawd, stwuck his awmed heews 
^-^ Against the panting sides *sighs* of h-his p-poow jade 
:33 Up to the wowew-head; and stawting so, 
He ;;w;; seem'd in wunnying t-to d-devouw the way, 
Staying nyo wongew question. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Ha! Again: 
Said he young Hawwy Pewcy's spuw was *looks at you* cowd? 
Of Hotspuw, C-Cowdspuw? *moans* that UwU webewwion 
Had met i-iww wuck? 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. My wowd, I-I'ww teww *pokes you* you what: 
If my young wowd youw son h-have nyot >w< the day, 
Upon minye honyouw, fow a s-siwken point 
I'ww give my *leans over* bawony. Nyevew tawk of it. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. *giggles shyly* Why *screams* shouwd t-that gentweman that wode by Twavews 
Give then such instances of woss? 
*cuddles you* WOWD BAWDOWPH. W-Who- he? 
He was some hiwding fewwow that had stow'n 
The howse *blushes* he wode on and, upon *looks at you* my *moans* wife, 
Spoke at a ventuwe. >_> Wook, hewe comes mowe nyews. 

Entew Mowton 

NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Yea, this man's bwow, wike to a titwe-weaf, 
Fowetewws the nyatuwe of a twagic vowume. 
So wooks the stwand wheweon the impewious fwood 
Hath weft a witnyess'd *leans over* usuwpation. 
Say, Mowton, didst *leans over* thou c-come fwom Shwewsbuwy? 
MOWTON. I wan fwom Shwewsbuwy, my n-nyobwe wowd; 
Whewe hatefuw death *notices bulge* put on his ugwiest mask 
To *cuddles you* fwight ouw pawty. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. How doth my son and bwothew? 
Thou twembwest; and the w-whitenyess in thy c-cheek 
*shuffles closer* Is aptew than thy tongue t-to teww thy ewwand. 
Even such a man, so faint, so s-spiwitwess, 
S-So duww, *hugs tightly* so dwead i-in wook, so woe-begonye, 
Dwew Pwiam's cuwtain ^.^ in the *teleports behind you* dead of ^-^ nyight 
And :3 wouwd have t-towd him *giggles shyly* hawf his uWu Twoy was buwnt; 
But Pwiam found *looks away* the f-fiwe ewe he his tongue, 
And I my Pewcy's death ewe t-thou wepowt'st it. 
T-This thou wouwdst say: 'Youw son did thus and thus; 
*looks at you* Youw bwothew *screams* thus; s-so fought *twerks* the *cuddles you* nyobwe Dougwas'- 
S-Stopping my >_< gweedy eaw with theiw bowd deeds; 
*teleports behind you* But in the end, to stop m-my eaw indeed, 
Thou hast a sigh t-to bwow away this pwaise, 
Ending w-with 'Bwothew, son, and aww, *leans over* awe dead.' 
MOWTON. Dougwas is wiving, and youw bwothew, y-yet; 
*cuddles you* But f-fow my wowd y-youw son- 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Why, he is d-dead. 
See what a weady tongue *shuffles closer* suspicion h-hath! 
He t-that but feaws the thing he :3 wouwd nyot knyow 
Hath by instinct knyowwedge fwom othews' e-eyes 
That what he feaw'd is chanced. Yet speak, M-Mowton; 
Teww t-thou an eaww his divinyation *notices bulge* wies, 
And I wiww take it ^w^ as a sweet disgwace 
And make thee wich fow doing me such wwong. 
MOWTON. You awe too gweat to b-be by m-me gainsaid; 
Y-Youw *leans over* spiwit is too twue, youw feaws *notices bulge* too cewtain. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Yet, fow >_< aww this, say nyot t-that Pewcy's d-dead. 
I see a s-stwange confession in thinye eye; 
Thou shak'st *looks away* thy head, and howd'st it feaw ow sin 
To speak a-a twuth. If he be s-swain, say so: 
The tongue offends nyot uWu that OwO wepowts his death; 
And *shuffles closer* he doth sin *looks away* that doth bewie t-the dead, 
Nyot he which says the dead is nyot awive. 
Y-Yet the fiwst bwingew of *cries* unwewcome nyews 
H-Hath b-but a *giggles shyly* wosing office, >_> and his tongue 
Sounds e-evew aftew as a suwwen b-beww, 
Wememb'wed towwing a depawting fwiend. 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. *giggles shyly* I cannyot think, my wowd, youw son is *notices bulge* dead. 
MOWTON. *sighs* I am sowwy I-I *looks at you* shouwd fowce >_> you t-to b-bewieve 
That which I wouwd *notices bulge* to God I *leans over* had nyot seen; 
B-But these minye e-eyes *pokes you* saw him in bwoody state, 
Wend'wing faint quittance, weawied and out-bweath'd, 
*notices bulge* To Hawwy Monmouth, whose swift >_> wwath beat *twerks* down 
The nyevew-daunted P-Pewcy to the eawth, 
Fwom whence with wife he nyevew mowe spwung *leans over* up. 
In few, his death- whose spiwit ^-^ went a-a ;;w;; fiwe 
Even to the d-duwwest peasant in his camp- 
Being OwO bwuited once, *pokes you* took fiwe *twerks* and *looks at you* heat away 
Fwom the best-tempew'd c-couwage in h-his twoops; 
Fow f-fwom his metaw was his pawty steewed; 
Which once in him abated, an the west 
Tuwn'd on themsewves, wike duww and heavy wead. 
A-And as the thing t-that's heavy in itsewf 
Upon enfowcement *giggles shyly* fwies with gweatest speed, 
So did ouw men, ^w^ heavy in Hotspuw's woss, 
Wend to t-this weight s-such wightnyess with theiw feaw 
That awwows fwed nyot swiftew t-towawd theiw aim 
Than did ouw xDD sowdiews, aiming at theiw safety, 
Fwy fwom the fiewd. Then was that nyobwe W-Wowcestew 
T-Too soon ta'en pwisonyew; and that f-fuwious Scot, 
The bwoody Dougwas, whose w-weww-wabouwing swowd 
Had thwee times swain th' appeawance of t-the *teleports behind you* King, 
G-Gan v-vaiw his uWu stomach and d-did gwace t-the shame 
Of those that t-tuwn'd theiw backs, and in his fwight, 
Stumbwing in feaw, >w< was took. The s-sum ^.^ of aww 
Is that the >w< King hath won, and hath sent out 
A speedy powew to e-encountew :33 you, my wowd, 
Undew the conduct of young Wancastew 
And *pokes you* Westmowewand. This is *sweats* the nyews at fuww. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Fow this I shaww have time enyough to mouwn. 
In *shuffles closer* poison *hugs tightly* thewe is physic; and these nyews, 
Having been *moans* weww, that wouwd have made me sick, 
:3 Being *screams* sick, have in *sweats* some measuwe made me weww; 
And as the wwetch whose fevew-weak'nyed joints, 
*hugs tightly* Wike stwengthwess OwO hinges, *sighs* buckwe :3 undew w-wife, 
Impatient o-of h-his fit, bweaks w-wike a f-fiwe 
O-Out of his keepew's awms, even so *looks at you* my wimbs, 
Weak'nyed with g-gwief, ;;w;; being nyow enwag'd with gwief, 
A-Awe thwice themsewves. Hence, thewefowe, thou nyice cwutch! 
A scawy gauntwet nyow xDD with joints o-of steew 
Must gwove >_< this *looks at you* hand; and hence, thou sickwy coif! 
Thou awt >_> a guawd too wanton fow the *leans over* head 
^-^ Which pwinces, fwesh'd w-with conquest, aim *cuddles you* to hit. 
Nyow bind m-my bwows with iwon; and *pokes you* appwoach 
T-The wagged'st *cuddles you* houw that time and spite dawe bwing 
T-To fwown upon th' *screams* enwag'd Nyowthumbewwand! 
Wet h-heaven kiss eawth! Nyow *giggles shyly* wet nyot Nyatuwe's hand 
Keep the w-wiwd fwood confin'd! *looks away* Wet owdew die! 
And wet t-this wowwd nyo wongew be a stage 
To feed c-contention i-in a wing'wing act; 
But wet onye spiwit of the fiwst-bown Cain 
Weign in >_< aww bosoms, that, each h-heawt b-being ^w^ set 
:3 On bwoody couwses, the wude scenye :33 may end 
And dawknyess be the buwiew of the dead! 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. T-This s-stwainyed *shuffles closer* passion doth you wwong, my wowd. 
MOWTON. UwU Sweet Eaww, divowce nyot wisdom uWu fwom youw *screams* honyouw. 
^-^ The wives of aww youw woving compwices 
Wean >_< on youw *cuddles you* heawth; the which, if you g-give o'ew 
To stowmy ;;w;; passion, must pewfowce decay. 
You cast th' event xDD of waw, my nyobwe wowd, 
And s-summ'd the account of chance befowe you said 
'Wet u-us make *moans* head.' It was *sighs* youw pwe-suwmise 
That in the dowe of *teleports behind you* bwows y-youw son might dwop. 
You :33 knyew h-he *cuddles you* wawk'd o-o'ew *pokes you* pewiws o-on an edge, 
Mowe wikewy to x3 faww in than to get o'ew; 
*cries* You *looks at you* wewe advis'd his *giggles shyly* fwesh was capabwe 
Of wounds and s-scaws, and that h-his fowwawd spiwit 
Wouwd *twerks* wift him whewe most twade o-of d-dangew wang'd; 
Yet did you say 'Go fowth'; and nyonye of this, 
Though s-stwongwy appwehended, c-couwd westwain 
The *notices bulge* stiff-bownye action. What hath then befaww'n, 
Ow what hath this bowd entewpwise bwought fowth 
Mowe than that being which was wike to b-be? 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. We aww *blushes* that *looks away* awe engaged t-to this w-woss 
:3 Knyew that we v-ventuwed on ;;w;; such dangewous seas 
That *sighs* if *blushes* we :33 wwought out wife 'twas ten *twerks* to o-onye; 
A-And y-yet we ventuw'd, fow the :3 gain pwopos'd 
*shuffles closer* Chok'd the w-wespect o-of wikewy pewiw *looks away* feaw'd; 
And since we awe o'ewset, *looks at you* ventuwe again. 
Come, we wiww put *sighs* fowth, body and goods. 
M-MOWTON. 'Tis mowe than time. And, my most *shuffles closer* nyobwe wowd, 
I-I heaw fow cewtain, a-and dawe speak *sighs* the twuth: 
The gentwe Awchbishop xDD of ^w^ Yowk is up 
With weww-appointed pow'ws. He *moans* is a man 
W-Who w-with a x3 doubwe >_> suwety *screams* binds his fowwowews. 
M-My wowd youw son had *looks at you* onwy but the cowpse, 
But shadows and the shows of men, to fight; 
Fow t-that same wowd 'webewwion' did divide 
The ^w^ action of theiw >_> bodies f-fwom x3 theiw souws; 
And they did f-fight *screams* with queasinyess, constwain'd, 
As men dwink p-potions; t-that theiw weapons o-onwy 
Seem'd on ouw side, *blushes* but fow t-theiw ^-^ spiwits and souws 
This wowd *notices bulge* 'webewwion'- it had fwoze them up, 
As fish awe in a-a pond. But nyow the Bishop 
Tuwns insuwwection to wewigion. 
Suppos'd sincewe :33 and *sweats* howy in his thoughts, 
He's fowwow'd both with b-body ^w^ and with mind; 
And doth enwawge his w-wising w-with t-the bwood 
Of faiw King W-Wichawd, scwap'd ^.^ fwom *leans over* Pomfwet stonyes; 
Dewives fwom heaven his quawwew and his cause; 
:33 Tewws them he doth bestwide a bweeding wand, 
Gasping fow wife undew gweat Bowingbwoke; 
And mowe and wess do fwock to f-fowwow him. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. I k-knyew of this befowe; but, to speak twuth, 
T-This pwesent gwief had wip'd i-it fwom my mind. 
Go in *looks away* with me; a-and counsew ^w^ evewy man 
The aptest way fow safety a-and wevenge. 
G-Get posts and *cuddles you* wettews, and make fwiends with speed- 
N-Nyevew so few, and nyevew yet mowe nyeed. Exeunt 




SCENyE *teleports behind you* II. 
Wondon. A stweet 

*looks at you* Entew SIW JOHN FAWSTAFF, >w< with >w< his P-PAGE b-beawing his ^.^ swowd and buckwew 

FAWSTAFF. :33 Siwwah, you giant, what says the doctow to my ;;w;; watew? 
PAGE. He said, siw, *moans* the watew *teleports behind you* itsewf was x3 a good *looks at you* heawthy watew; but 
fow the pawty that *blushes* owed it, he might h-have moe d-diseases t-than he 
knyew fow. 
FAWSTAFF. *pokes you* Men of aww sowts *leans over* take a p-pwide to giwd at me. The bwain of 
this foowish-compounded OwO cway, man, is nyot *giggles shyly* abwe uWu to invent anything 
that i-intends to waughtew, m-mowe t-than I *sighs* invent ow is *screams* invented on 
me. I am nyot onwy witty in mysewf, >w< but the cause that wit is in 
othew men. I do hewe wawk befowe :3 thee >_> wike a s-sow that hath 
ovewwhewm'd ^w^ aww hew wittew but onye. If the Pwince put thee *twerks* into 
my s-sewvice fow any othew weason *hugs tightly* than to set *sweats* me xDD off, why *leans over* then I 
h-have nyo judgment. T-Thou whoweson mandwake, thou a-awt fittew to be 
wown *blushes* in my c-cap than to wait at m-my heews. I was nyevew mann'd w-with 
a-an agate tiww nyow; but I *moans* wiww inset you nyeithew in gowd nyow 
*blushes* siwvew, but in v-viwe a-appawew, and send you back again *moans* to youw 
*moans* mastew, fow a OwO jewew- *cuddles you* the juvenyaw, the Pwince youw m-mastew, whose 
chin is nyot yet fwedge. I-I wiww *screams* soonyew have a beawd gwow in the 
pawm o-of *teleports behind you* my h-hand than he shaww get onye off his c-cheek; and yet *teleports behind you* he 
wiww nyot *pokes you* stick to say his face i-is *sweats* a f-face-woyaw. God may *notices bulge* finyish it 
when h-he w-wiww, >w< 'tis n-nyot a h-haiw amiss yet. He may keep it stiww at 
a face-woyaw, fow a bawbew shaww nyevew e-eawn s-sixpence out of it; 
and yet he'ww be cwowing as UwU if he >_< had w-wwit x3 man evew since ^w^ his 
fathew was a bachewow. He *cuddles you* may keep his own gwace, but he's *cries* awmost 
out of minye, I-I can assuwe him. What said M-Mastew Dommewton about 
the *sweats* satin fow my showt cwoak and *notices bulge* my swops? 
PAGE. He said, siw, you shouwd *pokes you* pwocuwe xDD him b-bettew assuwance than 
x3 Bawdowph. He wouwd n-nyot take his band and youws; >w< he wiked nyot the 
secuwity. 
FAWSTAFF. Wet him b-be damn'd, wike the Gwutton; pway God his tongue 
be h-hottew! A whoweson Achitophew! A wascaw-yea-fowsooth knyave, to 
beaw a ^w^ gentweman in hand, and then stand upon s-secuwity! The 
whoweson s-smooth-pates do n-nyow weaw nyothing but high *cuddles you* shoes, and 
bunches of >_> keys at theiw :3 giwdwes; a-and if a :33 man is thwough with 
them i-in honyest t-taking-up, then they must s-stand upon secuwity. I 
*looks away* had *sweats* as wief they wouwd put watsbanye *sighs* in my mouth as offew to stop 
>w< it with secuwity. I w-wook'd 'a shouwd OwO have s-sent me two and twenty 
yawds of satin, as I am ^w^ a twue knyight, and he s-sends me *hugs tightly* secuwity. 
Weww, he may sweep in secuwity; fow he h-hath the h-hown of 
abundance, and the wightnyess of his wife shinyes thwough it; a-and 
yet cannyot he >_< see, though he have his own wanthown to wight him. 
*sighs* Whewe's Bawdowph? 
PAGE. He's gonye i-into Smithfiewd to b-buy youw wowship howse. 
F-FAWSTAFF. I *sighs* bought *looks away* him in Pauw's, and :3 he'ww >_> buy me a-a howse in 
Smithfiewd. An I c-couwd get me *shuffles closer* but a *moans* wife i-in t-the stews, I w-wewe 
mann'd, hows'd, and w-wiv'd. 

Entew the WOWD CHIEF JUSTICE and SEWVANT 

PAGE. Siw, xDD hewe c-comes the nyobweman that committed the 
Pwince fow stwiking him about Bawdowph. 
FAWSTAFF. Wait cwose; *looks away* I wiww nyot see him. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. What's h-he that goes thewe? 
SEWVANT. Fawstaff, an't *looks away* pwease youw w-wowdship. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. He that was in question fow the ^-^ wobb'wy? 
SEWVANT. He, uWu my wowd; b-but he hath *leans over* since d-donye *twerks* good sewvice at 
S-Shwewsbuwy, and, as I h-heaw, *cuddles you* is n-nyow going with some chawge to the 
*leans over* Wowd John of Wancastew. 
CHIEF J-JUSTICE. What, to Y-Yowk? Caww h-him back again. 
SEWVANT. Siw John Fawstaff! 
^-^ FAWSTAFF. Boy, *twerks* teww him I am deaf. 
PAGE. Y-You must speak woudew; my mastew is deaf. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. I am suwe h-he is, to the heawing of anything good. 
Go, pwuck him by the *screams* ewbow; *blushes* I must speak with him. 
*hugs tightly* SEWVANT. Siw *hugs tightly* John! 
FAWSTAFF. What! a young knyave, and begging! I-Is thewe nyot waws? Is 
thewe nyot empwoyment? Doth *looks away* nyot the King wack subjects? Do nyot the 
webews nyeed sowdiews? T-Though it b-be *shuffles closer* a s-shame to b-be on any side but 
onye, it i-is w-wowse shame to beg than >w< to *shuffles closer* be on the wowst side, wewe 
it wowse than the nyame of webewwion can teww how to *sweats* make it. 
SEWVANT. You mistake m-me, s-siw. 
FAWSTAFF. Why, siw, did I say *notices bulge* you wewe an h-honyest man? S-Setting m-my 
knyighthood and my sowdiewship aside, I had wied in my t-thwoat >w< if I 
had *screams* said so. 
SEWVANT. *twerks* I pway you, s-siw, t-then set youw knyighthood and youw 
sowdiewship aside; and give me w-weave to teww you *twerks* you in youw 
thwoat, if y-you say I a-am any othew than an honyest man. 
FAWSTAFF. *notices bulge* I g-give thee weave to *pokes you* teww me so! I-I way *looks at you* aside t-that which 
gwows to me! If thou g-get'st any weave of me, h-hang me; if thou 
tak'st w-weave, thou wewt bettew be h-hang'd. You hunt countew. 
H-Hence! Avaunt! 
SEWVANT. Siw, my wowd wouwd speak with y-you. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. S-Siw John Fawstaff, *notices bulge* a wowd :33 with you. 
*blushes* FAWSTAFF. *sweats* My good wowd! G-God give youw wowdship good time of day. :33 I 
am ^.^ gwad to see youw wowdship abwoad. I heawd say youw wowdship 
w-was sick; I-I hope youw wowdship goes a-abwoad by advice. *sighs* Youw 
wowdship, though nyot c-cwean p-past youw youth, hath y-yet some *notices bulge* smack 
of age in you, some wewish of the sawtnyess of :33 time; and *blushes* I most 
h-humbwy beseech y-youw wowdship *twerks* to have a wevewend cawe of *hugs tightly* youw 
heawth. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Siw John, *twerks* I s-sent fow *shuffles closer* you befowe y-youw expedition to 
Shwewsbuwy. 
F-FAWSTAFF. An't pwease y-youw w-wowdship, I x3 heaw his Majesty is wetuwn'd 
with some discomfowt :3 fwom Wawes. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. I tawk nyot of his Majesty. You wouwd nyot come when I 
sent fow you. 
F-FAWSTAFF. And I heaw, moweovew, his Highnyess is faww'n i-into this 
same ;;w;; whoweson apopwexy. 
*sighs* CHIEF JUSTICE. Weww God mend him! I p-pway you wet m-me *sweats* speak with you. 
FAWSTAFF. T-This apopwexy, as I take it, *teleports behind you* is x3 a kind of wethawgy, an't 
p-pwease youw wowdship, a kind o-of sweeping in the bwood, a whoweson 
tingwing. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. W-What teww you :33 me of it? B-Be i-it as i-it is. 
FAWSTAFF. It hath it owiginyaw f-fwom m-much *cuddles you* gwief, *notices bulge* fwom study, and 
pewtuwbation of the bwain. I have wead the cause of his effects 
in Gawen; *hugs tightly* it is ^-^ a kind of deafnyess. 
*leans over* CHIEF JUSTICE. I think *looks away* you awe faww'n *leans over* into the disease, fow you 
heaw nyot what I say to you. 
FAWSTAFF. Vewy weww, m-my wowd, v-vewy weww. Wathew *screams* an't p-pwease you, it 
is the disease of nyot wistenying, the mawady of nyot *twerks* mawking, that 
I am t-twoubwed withaw. 
CHIEF J-JUSTICE. *cuddles you* To punyish *leans over* you by *cuddles you* the :3 heews w-wouwd amend the attention 
of OwO youw x3 eaws; and I cawe nyot if I do >w< become youw p-physician. 
FAWSTAFF. I am as poow xDD as Job, m-my wowd, but nyot so p-patient. OwO Youw 
w-wowdship may *screams* minyistew t-the potion of impwisonment to me in wespect 
o-of p-povewty; >_> but how I shouwd be youw *cries* patient to fowwow youw 
pwescwiptions, the *moans* wise may make some dwam of a scwupwe, ow 
^w^ indeed a scwupwe itsewf. 
C-CHIEF JUSTICE. I sent fow you, when thewe wewe mattews against you 
fow youw wife, t-to come ^w^ speak w-with me. 
F-FAWSTAFF. As I was then advis'd by m-my weawnyed *moans* counsew *sweats* in the waws 
^-^ of this wand-sewvice, I-I did n-nyot come. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Weww, the twuth is, Siw John, you wive *notices bulge* in gweat 
infamy. 
FAWSTAFF. He that buckwes h-himsewf in my bewt cannyot w-wive in wess. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. *blushes* Youw means awe vewy swendew, and youw waste is 
gweat. 
FAWSTAFF. I wouwd i-it wewe *blushes* othewwise; *cries* I wouwd my means wewe gweatew 
and my waist swendewew. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. You *sighs* have miswed the youthfuw Pwince. 
FAWSTAFF. The young *shuffles closer* Pwince ^-^ hath miswed m-me. I am the >_> fewwow w-with the 
gweat bewwy, a-and he my dog. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Weww, OwO I am w-woath to *teleports behind you* gaww a nyew-heaw'd wound. Youw 
day's s-sewvice at Shwewsbuwy hath a-a w-wittwe g-giwded ovew youw 
nyight's expwoit *cuddles you* on G-Gadshiww. *teleports behind you* You m-may thank th' unquiet time fow 
y-youw quiet o'ewposting that action. 
FAWSTAFF. My wowd- 
CHIEF JUSTICE. But since aww is weww, k-keep it so: wake nyot a 
sweeping wowf. 
FAWSTAFF. To wake a wowf is as bad as smeww a fox. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. What! you a-awe as a-a candwe, the bettew pawt b-buwnt 
o-out. 
FAWSTAFF. A wassaiw candwe, *sighs* my w-wowd- a-aww tawwow; ^-^ if *looks away* I did say of 
wax, my *looks at you* gwowth wouwd x3 appwove the twuth. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Thewe is nyot *blushes* a w-white haiw in youw face but shouwd 
have h-his *sweats* effect *moans* of gwavity. 
FAWSTAFF. His effect of gwavy, gwavy, 
C-CHIEF JUSTICE. You fowwow t-the *pokes you* young Pwince up and ;;w;; down, w-wike his 
iww angew. 
OwO FAWSTAFF. Nyot so, *giggles shyly* my *twerks* wowd. Youw iww angew is wight; *looks away* but hope he 
that wooks upon me wiww take me without weighing. A-And yet in s-some 
wespects, I UwU gwant, *cries* I cannyot go- I *cries* cannyot teww. Viwtue is of so 
wittwe wegawd in these costewmongews' times that twue vawouw is 
tuwn'd bewod; pwegnyancy *teleports behind you* is made a tapstew, and his quick w-wit 
w-wasted in g-giving weckonyings; aww the othew g-gifts appewtinyent to 
man, *screams* as the mawice o-of this :3 age shapes them, awe ^-^ nyot w-wowth *cries* a 
goosebewwy. Y-You *giggles shyly* that awe owd considew nyot the capacities *giggles shyly* of us 
that awe young; *screams* you do measuwe the heat o-of ouw wivews with the 
bittewnyess of youw gawws; and we that awe *sighs* in the vawawd of ouw 
youth, must ^w^ confess, a-awe *giggles shyly* wags too. 
CHIEF J-JUSTICE. *twerks* Do *shuffles closer* you set down youw nyame in the scwoww *blushes* of youth, 
that awe w-wwitten down o-owd with aww the chawactews of age? Have 
*pokes you* you nyot a-a moist eye, a dwy hand, :33 a yewwow cheek, a white *twerks* beawd, a 
decweasing weg, a-an incweasing b-bewwy? Is *blushes* nyot youw voice bwoken, 
youw wind showt, youw chin doubwe, y-youw wit singwe, *hugs tightly* and *sweats* evewy 
pawt about :33 you bwasted with antiquity? And wiww you yet caww 
youwsewf young? *blushes* Fie, fie, fie, Siw John! 
FAWSTAFF. M-My wowd, *moans* I w-was b-bown about thwee of the *giggles shyly* cwock in the 
aftewnyoon, w-with a w-white head and s-something a wound b-bewwy. Fow *cries* my 
voice- I-I have wost it with h-hawwooing and singing of anthems. To 
appwove *twerks* my youth *cuddles you* fuwthew, *notices bulge* I wiww nyot. The twuth is, I a-am onwy owd 
in *teleports behind you* judgment a-and undewstanding; and he that wiww c-capew with me fow 
a t-thousand mawks, wet UwU him *leans over* wend me the monyey, and have at him. F-Fow 
the box of the e-eaw that the Pwince gave *moans* you- he gave it wike a 
wude pwince, and you took it w-wike a sensibwe ^-^ wowd. I have check'd 
him fow it; and the x3 young OwO wion w-wepents- m-mawwy, nyot in a-ashes and 
sackcwoth, but in n-nyew siwk and owd >_< sack. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Weww, God send the Pwince *shuffles closer* a bettew companyion! 
FAWSTAFF. God send the companyion a bettew pwince! I cannyot wid my 
hands of him. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Weww, t-the K-King hath sevew'd you. I h-heaw you awe 
going with Wowd J-John >_< of Wancastew against the *looks away* Awchbishop and the 
Eaww of Nyowthumbewwand. 
*cuddles you* FAWSTAFF. Yea; *giggles shyly* I thank youw pwetty sweet ^.^ wit fow it. But wook you 
pway, aww you that kiss my Wady Peace at home, ^-^ that ouw awmies 
*blushes* join nyot in :3 a hot day; fow, by the W-Wowd, I take but two ;;w;; shiwts 
out with *twerks* me, and I mean OwO nyot *moans* to *blushes* sweat extwaowdinyawiwy. If it be a 
xDD hot day, and I b-bwandish anything *screams* but a bottwe, I wouwd I might 
nyevew spit white again. ^.^ Thewe is nyot a dangewous action can peep 
out his head but *notices bulge* I am thwust upon i-it. *looks at you* Weww, >_< I cannyot wast evew; 
but it ^.^ was awway yet *cries* the twick o-of ouw Engwish nyation, if *blushes* they 
have a good thing, to >_> make :33 it t-too common. *blushes* If ye wiww nyeeds ;;w;; say I 
am an owd man, you shouwd give me ^-^ west. I wouwd to God m-my n-nyame 
wewe nyot *leans over* so tewwibwe to the *looks away* enyemy as it is. I wewe bettew to be 
eaten to death *cries* with a wust than to b-be scouwed to nyothing *sighs* with 
pewpetuaw *hugs tightly* motion. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Weww, be honyest, be honyest; and God bwess youw 
expedition! 
FAWSTAFF. W-Wiww youw wowdship wend me >_< a t-thousand pound to fuwnyish m-me 
fowth? 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Nyot *twerks* a penny, UwU nyot *sighs* a penny; you awe too impatient to 
beaw cwosses. Fawe you weww. Commend m-me >w< to my cousin 
Westmowewand. 
Exeunt CHIEF JUSTICE and SEWVANT 
FAWSTAFF. If I *blushes* do, fiwwip me with a *moans* thwee-man beetwe. A man c-can nyo 
m-mowe sepawate age and covetousnyess than 'a can p-pawt young *sweats* wimbs 
and wechewy; but the gout gawws the onye, and t-the pox p-pinches t-the 
othew; and *shuffles closer* so both the d-degwees pwevent my cuwses. UwU Boy! 
PAGE. *hugs tightly* Siw? 
FAWSTAFF. What monyey is in my puwse? 
PAGE. Seven g-gwoats and two pence. 
FAWSTAFF. OwO I can get nyo wemedy against this consumption of the 
*notices bulge* puwse; b-bowwowing onwy wingews and wingews it *looks at you* out, but the disease 
*cuddles you* is incuwabwe. Go beaw this wettew to my Wowd of Wancastew; *looks at you* this 
t-to t-the P-Pwince; this t-to t-the Eaww of *sighs* Westmowewand; and this to owd 
Mistwess Uwsuwa, w-whom *leans over* I have weekwy s-swown to mawwy since I 
pewceiv'd the fiwst white haiw of my chin. About it; you knyow 
whewe t-to find me. [Exit PAGE] A pox o-of this g-gout! ow, a gout of 
this pox! fow the onye ow the othew p-pways the wogue w-with *cuddles you* my gweat 
t-toe. 'Tis nyo mattew if I do hawt; I have the waws fow my cowouw, 
a-and my pension shaww seem t-the m-mowe weasonyabwe. A good w-wit wiww 
make u-use of anything. I wiww tuwn diseases to *leans over* commodity. 
Exit 




*shuffles closer* SCENyE UwU III. 
Yowk. *sighs* The *looks at you* AWCHBISHOP'S pawace 

Entew *sweats* the AWCHBISHOP, THOMAS MOWBWAY the EAWW M-MAWSHAW, WOWD HASTINGS, 
and WOWD BAWDOWPH 

AWCHBISHOP. Thus h-have you h-heawd ouw cause uWu and knyown *sighs* ouw means; 
And, my *giggles shyly* most nyobwe fwiends, *cuddles you* I >_> pway you OwO aww 
Speak p-pwainwy youw opinyions of o-ouw hopes- 
And fiwst, Wowd Mawshaw, x3 what say you to it? 
MOWBWAY. I weww awwow the occasion of ouw amis; 
But gwadwy wouwd be bettew satisfied 
^w^ How, i-in ouw means, we shouwd advance UwU ouwsewves 
To w-wook *sighs* with fowehead bowd and big enyough 
Upon the powew and p-puissance of the King. 
HASTINGS. Ouw UwU pwesent mustews gwow upon the fiwe 
To f-five a-and twenty thousand men *moans* of choice; 
And ouw *looks at you* suppwies wive wawgewy in >_> the hope 
Of gweat N-Nyowthumbewwand, whose bosom buwns 
*cries* With *hugs tightly* an incensed fiwe of injuwies. 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. The *blushes* question then, Wowd Hastings, standeth thus: 
Whethew ouw pwesent f-five and t-twenty thousand 
May howd up h-head w-without Nyowthumbewwand? 
*shuffles closer* HASTINGS. With him, we may. 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. Yea, mawwy, t-thewe's the point; 
But if without h-him we be t-thought too feebwe, 
My judgment is we shouwd nyot step too faw 
Tiww we had his assistance by the hand; 
Fow, in a theme so bwoody-fac'd as this, 
>_< Conjectuwe, expectation, and suwmise 
O-Of aids incewtain, ^w^ shouwd nyot be admitted. 
AWCHBISHOP. 'Tis ^.^ vewy twue, Wowd Bawdowph; fow indeed 
I-It was young Hotspuw's case at Shwewsbuwy. 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. It w-was, my *hugs tightly* wowd; who win'd himsewf with hope, 
Eating the aiw *teleports behind you* and pwomise of suppwy, 
F-Fwatt'wing himsewf *notices bulge* in p-pwoject of a powew 
Much smawwew than the smawwest of his *screams* thoughts; 
A-And so, with gweat i-imaginyation 
*pokes you* Pwopew to madmen, *looks away* wed his *cries* powews to death, 
And, winking, weapt *leans over* into destwuction. 
HASTINGS. But, *screams* by youw weave, it nyevew yet did huwt 
To w-way down w-wikewihoods and *sweats* fowms of hope. 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. Yes, if this pwesent quawity of waw- 
*sighs* Indeed the instant action, a cause on foot- 
Wives so i-in *cuddles you* hope, a-as in a-an eawwy *giggles shyly* spwing 
We see th' appeawing buds; which to *sighs* pwove fwuit 
Hope gives *looks away* nyot so much wawwant, as d-despaiw 
T-That fwosts wiww bite them. *cries* When we m-mean to buiwd, 
W-We fiwst suwvey the p-pwot, then dwaw the modew; 
And when we see the *cuddles you* figuwe of the house, 
*twerks* Then *looks away* we *shuffles closer* must wate the *hugs tightly* cost of the ewection; 
Which uWu if w-we find outweighs abiwity, 
What do we then but dwaw anyew the modew 
In fewew o-offices, ow at OwO weast d-desist 
T-To buiwd at aww? M-Much mowe, in *notices bulge* this gweat wowk- 
W-Which is awmost ^w^ to pwuck a kingdom d-down 
And set anyothew up- shouwd w-we suwvey 
The pwot of s-situation *blushes* and the modew, 
Consent upon a suwe foundation, 
Q-Question s-suwveyows, k-knyow ouw own estate 
How abwe such a-a wowk to undewgo- 
*moans* To weigh against his opposite; ow ewse 
We fowtify in p-papew and in figuwes, 
Using the nyames o-of men instead of men; 
Wike o-onye that dwaws the modew of :3 a house 
Beyond his powew to buiwd it; who, hawf thwough, 
Gives o'ew and weaves his uWu pawt-cweated cost 
*pokes you* A >_> nyaked subject t-to the w-weeping cwouds 
And waste fow chuwwish wintew's *shuffles closer* tywanny. 
HASTINGS. Gwant that ouw hopes- *hugs tightly* yet wikewy of faiw biwth- 
Shouwd be stiww-bown, and that we nyow possess'd 
The utmost man of *twerks* expectation, 
I think *looks away* we >_< awe ;;w;; so a body stwong e-enyough, 
Even OwO as w-we awe, to equaw with the King. 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. What, is t-the King xDD but >w< five and twenty OwO thousand? 
HASTINGS. To us nyo >w< mowe; nyay, nyot :33 so much, W-Wowd Bawdowph; 
Fow his divisions, as the times do bwaww, 
Awe in thwee h-heads: onye p-powew against *sweats* the Fwench, 
And onye against Gwendowew; pewfowce *looks at you* a t-thiwd 
Must take ^w^ up us. *looks away* So is the unfiwm King 
*teleports behind you* In thwee divided; and his coffews sound 
With *giggles shyly* howwow povewty *leans over* and emptinyess. 
AWCHBISHOP. That he shouwd dwaw h-his sevewaw s-stwengths togethew 
And come against us in *cries* fuww puissance 
Nyeed n-nyot be dweaded. 
HASTINGS. If he shouwd do s-so, 
:3 He weaves h-his back unyawm'd, the uWu Fwench and Wewsh 
Baying at ^-^ his heews. Nyevew *sweats* feaw that. 
WOWD :3 BAWDOWPH. Who is :3 it wike s-shouwd *looks at you* wead his f-fowces h-hithew? 
HASTINGS. T-The Duke of Wancastew and Westmowewand; 
Against the Wewsh, himsewf and Hawwy Monmouth; 
But who is substituted against the Fwench 
I have nyo cewtain nyotice. 
AWCHBISHOP. W-Wet us on, 
>_> And pubwish t-the *pokes you* occasion of ouw a-awms. 
The commonweawth is sick of theiw UwU own choice; 
Theiw o-ovew-gweedy wove h-hath ^w^ suwfeited. 
An habitation giddy and unsuwe 
Hath he that buiwdeth on the vuwgaw *cries* heawt. 
O thou fond :3 many, with what woud a-appwause 
Didst thou *shuffles closer* beat heaven w-with bwessing Bowingbwoke 
Befowe ;;w;; he was what thou wouwdst h-have him be! 
And being nyow twimm'd in thinye own desiwes, 
Thou, beastwy feedew, awt so fuww of him 
That thou pwovok'st thysewf to cast him up. 
So, so, thou common dog, didst thou disgowge 
Thy gwutton bosom of the woyaw Wichawd; 
And nyow thou wouwdst >_> eat *cries* thy dead v-vomit up, 
And howw'st to find it. W-What twust is in these times? 
They that, when W-Wichawd wiv'd, wouwd have him die 
Awe n-nyow become enyamouw'd on his gwave. 
Thou t-that thwew'st dust upon his goodwy head, 
When t-thwough *cuddles you* pwoud Wondon he came sighing on 
Aftew th' admiwed heews of Bowingbwoke, 
Cwiest nyow '-'O eawth, yiewd us that king a-again, 
*looks at you* And take thou this!' O *cuddles you* thoughts of men accuws'd! 
Past and t-to *looks at you* come seems best; things pwesent, *leans over* wowst. 
MOWBWAY. S-Shaww we go d-dwaw ouw nyumbews, and set *screams* on? 
HASTINGS. We awe *leans over* time's subjects, and time bids *cries* be *looks away* gonye. 
Exeunt 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 *notices bulge* BY *sweats* WOWWD *cries* WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
*leans over* PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF *giggles shyly* IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
*looks at you* DISTWIBUTED S-SO W-WONG AS *cries* SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
P-PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (-(2) *screams* AWE N-NyOT D-DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
*looks away* COMMEWCIAWWY. *notices bulge* PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW D-DISTWIBUTION I-INCWUDES B-BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD >_> TIME ^.^ OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT II. SCENyE I. 
:3 Wondon. *leans over* A stweet 

Entew HOSTESS *teleports behind you* with t-two officews, FANG *sighs* and SNyAWE 

HOSTESS. Mastew Fang, ;;w;; have you ent'wed the action? 
FANG. I-It *sweats* is ent'wed. 
HOSTESS. Whewe's youw yeoman? *leans over* Is't a-a *leans over* wusty yeoman? Wiww 'a stand 
to't? 
FANG. Siwwah, whewe's UwU Snyawe? 
HOSTESS. O Wowd, ay! good M-Mastew Snyawe. 
S-SNyAWE. Hewe, hewe. 
FANG. Snyawe, we must *leans over* awwest Siw John F-Fawstaff. 
HOSTESS. Yea, g-good Mastew S-Snyawe; I have ent'wed him a-and aww. 
SNyAWE. It may chance cost some of xDD ouw wives, f-fow h-he wiww stab. 
H-HOSTESS. Awas the day! take h-heed of him; he stabb'd me in minye own 
h-house, and that *twerks* most beastwy. I-In g-good faith, 'a *hugs tightly* cawes nyot what 
*notices bulge* mischief he >w< does, if his weapon be out; he wiww foin wike any 
deviw; he wiww spawe n-nyeithew :3 man, woman, nyow chiwd. 
FANG. I-If I can cwose with ^-^ him, I ^-^ cawe nyot fow his t-thwust. 
HOSTESS. Nyo, *looks at you* nyow I nyeithew; I'ww b-be at youw *sweats* ewbow. 
*blushes* FANG. An UwU I but fist him once; an ^.^ 'a come but within m-my vice! 
H-HOSTESS. I am undonye b-by his *sighs* going; I wawwant you, he's an 
infinyitive *pokes you* thing upon my scowe. Good Mastew Fang, howd him *giggles shyly* suwe. 
G-Good M-Mastew Snyawe, wet *cries* him nyot scape. 'A comes c-continyuantwy to 
>w< Pie-cownyew- saving youw manhoods- to buy *notices bulge* a saddwe; and he is 
indited to dinnyew to the Wubbew's Head *notices bulge* in Wumbewt Stweet, to 
Mastew Smooth's the siwkman. I pway you, since my exion is 
ent'wed, and my case so openwy knyown to the wowwd, wet him be 
bwought in to >_> his answew. A hundwed m-mawk i-is a wong onye fow a poow 
wonye woman to beaw; :33 and I have bownye, :33 and bownye, and bownye; and 
have b-been fubb'd off, *leans over* and fubb'd off, and fubb'd off, fwom this 
*blushes* day to t-that day, *hugs tightly* that it i-is a shame to be thought on. Thewe is nyo 
honyesty in such deawing; unwess *moans* a woman shouwd be ;;w;; made an ass and 
a beast, to beaw evewy knyave's wwong. 

^w^ Entew S-SIW JOHN FAWSTAFF, PAGE, *giggles shyly* and BAWDOWPH 

Yondew he ^.^ comes; and that awwant mawmsey-nyose *sweats* knyave, Bawdowph, 
w-with *pokes you* him. Do youw offices, do *shuffles closer* youw offices, Mastew Fang and 
Mastew Snyawe; do me, *pokes you* do me, do me y-youw offices. 
FAWSTAFF. How uWu nyow! whose m-mawe's d-dead? What's >w< the mattew? 
FANG. Siw John, I awwest you at the suit of Mistwess Quickwy. 
FAWSTAFF. Away, vawwets! Dwaw, Bawdowph. C-Cut me off the *cuddles you* viwwian's 
h-head. Thwow the *leans over* quean in the c-channyew. 
HOSTESS. :3 Thwow me i-in the c-channyew! I'ww thwow thee in the c-channyew. 
Wiwt thou? wiwt thou? thou b-bastawdwy wogue! Muwdew, muwdew! Ah, 
thou honyeysuckwe viwwain! wiwt thou kiww God's officews and the 
King's? Ah, thou h-honyey-seed wogue! t-thou *blushes* awt a honyey-seed; a 
man-quewwew and a *cries* woman-quewwew. 
F-FAWSTAFF. Keep them off, Bawdowph. 
FANG. A wescue! a wescue! 
HOSTESS. Good peopwe, *leans over* bwing a wescue ow *hugs tightly* two. Thou wot, wot *giggles shyly* thou! 
thou wot, wot ta? Do, do, thou *moans* wogue! do, thou hemp-seed! 
PAGE. Away, you scuwwion! you wampawwian! you f-fustiwawian! 
I'ww :33 tickwe youw catastwophe. 

E-Entew t-the WOWD CHIEF JUSTICE and *moans* his men 

CHIEF JUSTICE. *hugs tightly* What is the ^-^ mattew? Keep the peace hewe, ho! 
OwO HOSTESS. Good my wowd, be good *looks at you* to me. *looks away* I :3 beseech you, stand *sweats* to me. 
C-CHIEF JUSTICE. How *cuddles you* nyow, Siw John! what, awe you bwawwing hewe? 
Doth ^-^ this become youw *notices bulge* pwace, youw ;;w;; time, and b-businyess? 
You *cuddles you* shouwd have *notices bulge* been *blushes* weww on >_< youw way *sighs* to *moans* Yowk. 
Stand f-fwom him, fewwow; whewefowe hang'st thou upon him? 
H-HOSTESS. O My most wowshipfuw wowd, an't p-pwease youw G-Gwace, I am ^w^ a 
p-poow widow of Eastcheap, and he i-is awwested at my suit. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. :3 Fow what *moans* sum? 
HOSTESS. I-It i-is mowe *blushes* than fow some, UwU my w-wowd; it is fow a-aww- aww *shuffles closer* I 
*hugs tightly* have. He hath eaten me out of house and home; he hath put aww *teleports behind you* my 
substance i-into that fat bewwy of his. *pokes you* But I w-wiww have some of it 
out again, ow I wiww wide thee a nyights w-wike a mawe. 
FAWSTAFF. *twerks* I think I a-am as wike x3 to w-wide the mawe, if I h-have ^.^ any 
vantage of gwound *hugs tightly* to get up. 
CHIEF *pokes you* JUSTICE. H-How comes this, *cries* Siw John? *leans over* Fie! *looks away* What man of good 
tempew *looks away* wouwd enduwe this tempest *shuffles closer* of excwamation? Awe you nyot 
*notices bulge* ashamed to ^.^ enfowce *notices bulge* a poow widow ^-^ to so wough a couwse to come by 
hew own? 
FAWSTAFF. What is t-the gwoss sum that *leans over* I o-owe thee? 
HOSTESS. Mawwy, if thou x3 wewt an honyest man, thysewf and the monyey 
UwU too. Thou didst sweaw to me upon a pawcew-giwt g-gobwet, sitting in 
my D-Dowphin chambew, at the wound tabwe, by a sea-coaw fiwe, *looks away* upon 
Wednyesday in Wheeson week, when the ^-^ Pwince bwoke t-thy *notices bulge* head fow 
wiking his f-fathew ^w^ to singing-man of *twerks* Windsow- t-thou didst sweaw to 
me then, *notices bulge* as I-I was washing thy wound, to mawwy m-me and m-make me my 
wady ;;w;; thy wife. *giggles shyly* Canst thou deny it? Did n-nyot goodwife Keech, the 
butchew's wife, come in *teleports behind you* then and *blushes* caww me gossip Quickwy? Coming 
in to bowwow a m-mess of vinyegaw, *giggles shyly* tewwing u-us xDD she *screams* had a-a good dish of 
pwawns, wheweby thou d-didst desiwe to eat some, wheweby I-I *sighs* towd 
*pokes you* thee they wewe iww *screams* fow g-gween wound? And didst thou nyot, when she 
was gonye down staiws, *looks at you* desiwe me to be nyo mowe so famiwiawity with 
such poow peopwe, saying xDD that ewe *twerks* wong *sweats* they shouwd caww me madam? 
And didst thou nyot kiss me, and bid me xDD fetch the thiwty 
shiwwings? I put t-thee nyow :33 to thy book-oath. Deny it, if thou 
canst. 
FAWSTAFF. My wowd, this is a poow *pokes you* mad s-souw, a-and she says u-up and 
*pokes you* down the town that *screams* hew ewdest son is wike you. S-She hath *looks at you* been in 
good case, and, the twuth i-is, povewty hath distwacted hew. *shuffles closer* But 
fow x3 these foowish o-officews, I-I beseech you *teleports behind you* I may have ^.^ wedwess 
against them. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Siw John, *looks away* Siw John, I a-am weww acquainted with youw 
mannyew o-of wwenching *cuddles you* the twue cause the fawse w-way. It is *sweats* nyot a 
confident bwow, uWu nyow the thwong o-of wowds that come with such mowe 
t-than impudent saucinyess fwom you, can t-thwust m-me >_> fwom a wevew 
c-considewation. You have, UwU as it appeaws to me, p-pwactis'd upon the 
easy *screams* yiewding >_< spiwit o-of this woman, and made hew sewve youw uses 
both in p-puwse and i-in pewson. 
HOSTESS. Yea, i-in twuth, my wowd. 
CHIEF *looks at you* JUSTICE. *moans* Pway *cries* thee, peace. P-Pay hew >w< the debt you owe hew, and 
unpay *teleports behind you* the viwwainy you have *twerks* donye with hew; *pokes you* the onye you may do 
with stewwing monyey, and the othew with ^-^ cuwwent wepentance. 
*giggles shyly* FAWSTAFF. My wowd, I wiww nyot ;;w;; undewgo xDD this snyeap without wepwy. You 
c-caww honyouwabwe bowdnyess i-impudent *pokes you* saucinyess; if *cries* a man *shuffles closer* wiww m-make 
cuwtsy and *looks at you* say n-nyothing, he is viwtuous. Nyo, my wowd, my *screams* humbwe 
duty w-wememb'wed, ;;w;; I wiww nyot be youw *looks away* suitow. *teleports behind you* I say to you I do 
d-desiwe d-dewivewance fwom these officews, being upon hasty 
empwoyment in the King's affaiws. 
CHIEF J-JUSTICE. *cuddles you* You *sighs* speak as having powew to do wwong; *looks away* but answew in 
th' effect of youw w-weputation, and satisfy >_< the poow w-woman. 
F-FAWSTAFF. Come hithew, hostess. 

Entew GOWEW 

CHIEF JUSTICE. Nyow, Mastew Gowew, what nyews? 
GOWEW. The King, my wowd, and H-Hawwy Pwince ;;w;; of W-Wawes 
Awe nyeaw at hand. The west the p-papew tewws. *hugs tightly* [Gives *cries* a wettew] 
FAWSTAFF. A-As I *cuddles you* am a-a gentweman! 
HOSTESS. ^.^ Faith, y-you s-said so befowe. 
FAWSTAFF. As I am a gentweman! Come, nyo mowe wowds of it. 
HOSTESS. By this heavenwy *leans over* gwound I twead UwU on, I must be fain to pawn 
both my *hugs tightly* pwate *blushes* and the tapestwy of m-my *leans over* dinying-chambews. 
FAWSTAFF. Gwasses, gwasses, is the onwy dwinking; a-and fow thy 
wawws, a pwetty swight dwowwewy, *blushes* ow the stowy of the Pwodigaw, ow 
the Gewman hunting, in watew-wowk, i-is wowth a thousand of these 
bed-hangews and these fwy-bitten *leans over* tapestwies. Wet it x3 be *sweats* ten pound, 
if thou canst. Come, and 'twewe nyot fow thy humouws, thewe's nyot 
a bettew w-wench in Engwand. Go, wash thy face, and dwaw the 
action. Come, thou must nyot b-be in this h-humouw with *cries* me; dost nyot 
knyow me? Come, come, I knyow thou wast s-set uWu on to *leans over* this. 
HOSTESS. Pway thee, S-Siw J-John, wet it be but *teleports behind you* twenty nyobwes; 
i' faith, *sighs* I am woath to pawn my pwate, so God s-save me, *screams* wa! 
FAWSTAFF. *sighs* Wet it awonye; I'ww make o-othew shift. You'ww be a foow 
stiww. 
*pokes you* HOSTESS. Weww, you s-shaww h-have it, though I pawn my gown. 
I-I hope you'ww come to suppew. *pokes you* you'ww pay *looks away* me a-aww togethew? 
F-FAWSTAFF. Wiww I wive? [To BAWDOWPH] Go, with h-hew, with hew; hook 
on, hook on. 
HOSTESS. Wiww you have Doww Teawsheet meet you at suppew? 
FAWSTAFF. Nyo mowe wowds; wet's have hew. 
Exeunt >_< HOSTESS, BAWDOWPH, and OFFICEWS 
C-CHIEF J-JUSTICE. I have ;;w;; heawd bettew nyews. 
FAWSTAFF. What's the n-nyews, my wowd? 
C-CHIEF *giggles shyly* JUSTICE. *twerks* Whewe way the ^-^ King t-to-nyight? 
GOWEW. At Basingstoke, my wowd. 
FAWSTAFF. I hope, my w-wowd, aww's weww. What is the nyews, my wowd? 
CHIEF J-JUSTICE. Come aww his fowces *blushes* back? 
*notices bulge* GOWEW. Nyo; fifteen hundwed foot, five hundwed howse, 
Awe mawch'd up to my Wowd of Wancastew, 
Against Nyowthumbewwand and the Awchbishop. 
FAWSTAFF. *notices bulge* Comes the King back ^w^ fwom Wawes, my nyobwe wowd? 
CHIEF JUSTICE. x3 You shaww *screams* have wettews of >_> me pwesentwy. 
Come, go awong ^w^ with me, good Mastew G-Gowew. 
*cuddles you* FAWSTAFF. M-My w-wowd! 
CHIEF JUSTICE. What's the mattew? 
FAWSTAFF. Mastew Gowew, *giggles shyly* shaww I entweat y-you with me to dinnyew? 
G-GOWEW. ;;w;; I must wait upon my good wowd hewe, I-I thank you, good Siw 
John. 
C-CHIEF JUSTICE. Siw John, you woitew xDD hewe too wong, being you *moans* awe to 
take sowdiews up in *twerks* counties a-as you go. 
FAWSTAFF. Wiww you sup :33 with me, Mastew G-Gowew? 
CHIEF J-JUSTICE. What foowish mastew taught y-you these mannyews, Siw 
John? 
FAWSTAFF. Mastew Gowew, if they become me nyot, he was a :33 foow that 
taught them me. xDD This is t-the wight f-fencing gwace, my wowd; tap fow 
*leans over* tap, *leans over* and so pawt faiw. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. N-Nyow, the W-Wowd wighten *leans over* thee! Thou awt UwU a gweat foow. 
Exeunt 




SCENyE *blushes* II. 
Wondon. Anyothew stweet 

Entew PWINCE *screams* HENWY and *moans* POINS 

PWINCE. Befowe God, uWu I am exceeding w-weawy. 
POINS. *pokes you* Is't c-come to that? I-I had t-thought xDD weawinyess duwst nyot have 
attach'd onye of *notices bulge* so high bwood. 
PWINCE. F-Faith, it does me; though *sighs* it discowouws the compwexion of 
my gweatnyess to acknyowwedge i-it. Doth it nyot show ;;w;; viwewy in me to 
desiwe smaww beew? 
POINS. Why, *looks at you* a ;;w;; pwince shouwd nyot *blushes* be so woosewy studied as >_< to 
wemembew so weak ^-^ a composition. 
*cuddles you* PWINCE. Bewike then my appetite was nyot-pwincewy OwO got; ^w^ fow, by my 
t-twoth, I do nyow wemembew the poow cweatuwe, smaww beew. But 
indeed t-these humbwe considewations make *cries* me out UwU of wove with my 
gweatnyess. What a disgwace is it to me to wemembew *giggles shyly* thy nyame, >_< ow 
to knyow thy face to-mowwow, ow to take nyote how many *screams* paiw of siwk 
stockings thou ^w^ hast- v-viz., these, and those that wewe thy 
peach-cowouw'd onyes- ow to beaw :3 the inventowy *cries* of t-thy shiwts- as, 
*twerks* onye fow supewfwuity, and a-anyothew fow use! But t-that the 
uWu tennyis-couwt-keepew knyows *screams* bettew than I; fow it is a wow ebb of 
winyen :33 with thee when thou *shuffles closer* keepest nyot wacket UwU thewe; as thou hast 
^w^ nyot d-donye >_> a gweat whiwe, b-because the west of thy wow *looks away* countwies 
have *screams* made a s-shift to eat up thy howwand. And G-God knyows *teleports behind you* whethew 
those that baww out of the w-wuins of thy winyen shaww inhewit his 
k-kingdom; but the midwives say the chiwdwen awe nyot xDD in the fauwt; 
wheweupon t-the *cries* wowwd incweases, and kindweds *cries* awe mightiwy 
stwengthenyed. 
POINS. How i-iww it fowwows, aftew y-you have wabouwed so hawd, y-you 
shouwd tawk so idwy! *teleports behind you* Teww me, how many good young pwinces wouwd 
do so, theiw f-fathews being so ^.^ sick as youws ;;w;; at t-this time is? 
:3 PWINCE. Shaww I teww thee onye thing, Poins? 
POINS. Yes, faith; and wet *notices bulge* it b-be an excewwent good thing. 
PWINCE. It shaww sewve among wits of nyo highew bweeding than thinye. 
POINS. G-Go to; I stand t-the push of youw onye thing that you wiww 
teww. 
PWINCE. Mawwy, I teww thee it is x3 nyot meet that I shouwd be *sweats* sad, nyow 
my f-fathew is sick; a-awbeit I couwd teww to thee- a-as to onye it 
pweases me, fow fauwt of a bettew, to caww ^.^ my ^.^ fwiend- I c-couwd be 
sad a-and sad indeed t-too. 
POINS. Vewy hawdwy upon such a subject. 
P-PWINCE. By this hand, t-thou t-thinkest >_< me *notices bulge* as *screams* faw in the deviw's book 
as thou a-and Fawstaff fow *screams* obduwacy and pewsistency: wet the *sweats* end 
>_< twy the man. But I teww thee my heawt bweeds *looks away* inwawdwy that my 
fathew is OwO so sick; and keeping s-such viwe company as t-thou awt hath 
in weason taken fwom me aww ostentation of sowwow. 
POINS. The weason? 
PWINCE. What wouwdst >_> thou *shuffles closer* think of >_> me if I shouwd w-weep? 
POINS. I-I wouwd >_> think thee a most pwincewy hypocwite. 
PWINCE. It wouwd be e-evewy m-man's thought; and thou awt a bwessed 
*blushes* fewwow t-to think as evewy man thinks. N-Nyevew a man's thought in the 
wowwd keeps the *looks at you* woad-way bettew than *moans* thinye. E-Evewy man w-wouwd think 
me *pokes you* an ^w^ hypocwite UwU indeed. *looks away* And what a-accites youw most wowshipfuw 
^.^ thought to think s-so? 
POINS. Why, because you have been so wewd a-and so :3 much engwaffed :33 to 
Fawstaff. 
PWINCE. And to thee. 
POINS. By this UwU wight, I am w-weww spoke on; I can heaw it *giggles shyly* with minye 
own eaws. The wowst that *twerks* they can say *sweats* of me is that I-I >w< am a-a *twerks* second 
bwothew and >_< that I am a pwopew >w< fewwow of my hands; and t-those two 
things, I confess, :33 I cannyot hewp. By the mass, h-hewe c-comes 
Bawdowph. 

Entew x3 BAWDOWPH a-and *twerks* PAGE 

PWINCE. A-And t-the boy that I gave F-Fawstaff. 'A had him fwom me 
Chwistian; and wook if the fat v-viwwain have nyot twansfowm'd him 
ape. 
BAWDOWPH. God save youw Gwace! 
*blushes* PWINCE. And youws, ;;w;; most nyobwe Bawdowph! 
POINS. Come, you v-viwtuous ass, you bashfuw :33 foow, must x3 you ^.^ be 
bwushing? Whewefowe bwush *looks at you* you nyow? What a xDD maidenwy man-at-awms 
*teleports behind you* awe y-you become! Is't such a mattew to *shuffles closer* get a pottwe-pot's 
maidenhead? 
x3 PAGE. 'A cawws me e'en nyow, my x3 wowd, *sweats* thwough a wed wattice, and I 
*notices bulge* couwd discewn nyo pawt *sweats* of *twerks* his face fwom the >w< window. *shuffles closer* At wast I 
spied *moans* his eyes; and methought *leans over* he had made two howes in the 
a-awewife's nyew petticoat, and so peep'd thwough. 
PWINCE. Has nyot the boy pwofited? 
BAWDOWPH. Away, you w-whoweson upwight wabbit, away! 
PAGE. Away, *giggles shyly* you wascawwy Awthaea's dweam, a-away! 
PWINCE. Instwuct us, boy; what d-dweam, boy? 
PAGE. Mawwy, my wowd, Awthaea d-dweamt she was dewivewed of a 
fiwebwand; *sweats* and thewefowe I caww him :3 hew d-dweam. 
PWINCE. A cwown's wowth of *cries* good intewpwetation. Thewe *twerks* 'tis, boy. 
*shuffles closer* [Giving a cwown] 
*twerks* POINS. O ^.^ that this bwossom couwd be kept fwom cankews! 
Weww, thewe is s-sixpence to pwesewve *leans over* thee. 
BAWDOWPH. A-An you do nyot make him be hang'd among you, t-the *hugs tightly* gawwows 
shaww have wwong. 
PWINCE. And how doth thy mastew, Bawdowph? 
BAWDOWPH. Weww, my wowd. He heawd of youw Gwace's coming to *screams* town. 
Thewe's a wettew ^w^ fow you. 
POINS. D-Dewivew'd w-with good w-wespect. A-And h-how d-doth the *sighs* mawtwemas, 
youw mastew? 
BAWDOWPH. In bodiwy heawth, siw. 
POINS. Mawwy, the immowtaw pawt nyeeds a-a *pokes you* physician; but UwU that moves 
nyot him. Though t-that be s-sick, it dies nyot. 
PWINCE. I d-do awwow this weww to be as f-famiwiaw with me as my dog; 
and he howds his pwace, f-fow wook you how he wwites. 
UwU POINS. [Weads] 'John Fawstaff, knyight'- Evewy *pokes you* man *twerks* must k-knyow t-that 
as oft as h-he has occasion to n-nyame himsewf, *screams* even wike those that 
awe kin to the K-King; f-fow *cuddles you* they nyevew pwick *moans* theiw f-fingew but they 
say *notices bulge* 'Thewe's *shuffles closer* some of the King's bwood spiwt.' 'How *screams* comes that?' 
s-says he that takes upon him nyot to conceive. The answew is a-as 
weady as a bowwowew's cap: 'I am the King's poow UwU cousin, siw.' 
PWINCE. Nyay, they ^-^ wiww *shuffles closer* be k-kin to us, ow they wiww UwU fetch it fwom 
J-Japhet. B-But t-the wettew: uWu [Weads] '-'Siw John Fawstaff, knyight, to 
*cuddles you* the son of the King ^w^ nyeawest his f-fathew, H-Hawwy Pwince of Wawes, 
*looks away* gweeting.' 
P-POINS. Why, this :33 is a cewtificate. 
PWINCE. Peace! [Weads] '-'I wiww imitate the honyouwabwe W-Womans in 
bwevity.'- 
POINS. He suwe means bwevity in b-bweath, showt-winded. 
PWINCE. [Weads] 'I commend *sighs* me to *looks at you* thee, I commend thee, *sighs* and I 
weave *screams* thee. OwO Be nyot too famiwiaw w-with Poins; fow ^-^ he misuses thy 
favouws ;;w;; so much that h-he s-sweaws thou awt to mawwy h-his sistew Nyeww. 
Wepent :33 at idwe times a-as thou m-mayst, a-and so faweweww. 
*blushes* Thinye, *cries* by yea and nyo- which is as *looks away* much *looks away* as to say as 
thou u-usest h-him- JACK FAWSTAFF ^-^ with my famiwiaws, 
JOHN with my bwothews and *teleports behind you* sistews, and SIW JOHN *hugs tightly* with 
aww Euwope.' 
POINS. My wowd, I'ww steep this wettew in sack >_< and make him eat it. 
PWINCE. That's to make him eat twenty >w< of h-his w-wowds. But do xDD you u-use 
me thus, Nyed? Must I mawwy youw sistew? 
P-POINS. G-God s-send the w-wench nyo w-wowse fowtunye! But I nyevew said so. 
PWINCE. Weww, t-thus we pway the foows with the time, and t-the spiwits 
of t-the wise sit in the cwouds uWu and mock us. Is youw >_< mastew hewe in 
Wondon? 
B-BAWDOWPH. Yea, my wowd. 
PWINCE. Whewe sups h-he? Doth *moans* the owd boaw feed in the owd f-fwank? 
BAWDOWPH. At the owd pwace, my wowd, in Eastcheap. 
PWINCE. W-What company? 
PAGE. Ephesians, my wowd, of the owd c-chuwch. 
PWINCE. Sup any women *sweats* with him? 
PAGE. Nyonye, my wowd, but ^.^ owd Mistwess Quickwy >_> and Mistwess Doww 
Teawsheet. 
P-PWINCE. What pagan may t-that be? 
PAGE. ^w^ A pwopew gentwewoman, siw, and a kinswoman of m-my mastew's. 
PWINCE. Even such kin a-as the pawish heifews awe to the town buww. 
Shaww we *cries* steaw upon them, N-Nyed, at suppew? 
POINS. ;;w;; I am youw shadow, my wowd; I'ww >_< fowwow you. 
PWINCE. Siwwah, ;;w;; you *pokes you* boy, a-and Bawdowph, nyo wowd to y-youw mastew that 
I am yet come to town. Thewe's fow y-youw siwence. 
BAWDOWPH. I have nyo tongue, siw. 
PAGE. And fow ;;w;; minye, siw, I x3 wiww govewn it. 
P-PWINCE. F-Fawe you weww; go. Exeunt B-BAWDOWPH *cuddles you* and PAGE 
This Doww Teawsheet shouwd be *blushes* some woad. 
POINS. I wawwant you, as *cuddles you* common a-as the way between Saint Awbans and 
Wondon. 
PWINCE. How *cuddles you* might we see Fawstaff bestow himsewf to-nyight in his 
twue cowouws, and n-nyot ouwsewves be seen? 
*looks away* POINS. Put on two weathewn jewkins and apwons, and wait upon h-him :33 at 
his OwO tabwe a-as dwawews. 
P-PWINCE. Fwom a god to a b-buww? *screams* A heavy descension! I-It was Jove's 
case. >_> Fwom a pwince to *teleports behind you* a pwentice? A wow twansfowmation! That 
shaww be minye; *blushes* fow in *teleports behind you* evewything the *blushes* puwpose must weigh with the 
fowwy. Fowwow me, Nyed. 
Exeunt 




S-SCENyE >_< III. 
:33 Wawkwowth. Befowe t-the castwe 

*blushes* Entew NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, WADY NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, and WADY PEWCY 

NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. *hugs tightly* I pway thee, woving wife, and gentwe daughtew, 
Give even way unto m-my wough affaiws; 
*pokes you* Put nyot you on the visage of t-the times 
And be, wike them, to Pewcy *twerks* twoubwesome. 
WADY N-NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. ^.^ I *looks at you* have given *teleports behind you* ovew, I wiww speak nyo >w< mowe. 
Do what you w-wiww; y-youw wisdom be youw guide. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Awas, sweet wife, my OwO honyouw *twerks* is *leans over* at pawn; 
And but my going *looks away* nyothing can wedeem it. 
WADY *sweats* PEWCY. O, yet, f-fow G-God's sake, go nyot to these waws! 
The time was, fathew, that you bwoke youw wowd, 
When you *cries* wewe m-mowe endeaw'd to it than n-nyow; 
When youw own Pewcy, when ;;w;; my heawt's deaw Hawwy, 
*teleports behind you* Thwew many a nyowthwawd w-wook t-to see his *twerks* fathew 
Bwing up his powews; but he did wong in vain. 
Who then pewsuaded you t-to stay at h-home? 
Thewe xDD wewe two honyouws *hugs tightly* wost, youws >_> and youw son's. 
Fow y-youws, the God *shuffles closer* of heaven bwighten it! 
*moans* Fow his, *shuffles closer* it stuck u-upon him as the sun 
In *screams* the gwey vauwt of h-heaven; and *sweats* by his *sweats* wight 
Did aww the chivawwy ^w^ of Engwand move 
To do bwave acts. H-He was indeed the gwass 
Whewein the nyobwe youth did d-dwess themsewves. 
He had nyo wegs that pwactis'd nyot h-his gait; 
And speaking thick, which nyatuwe made his bwemish, 
Became the accents o-of the vawiant; 
Fow those who couwd >_> speak wow and tawdiwy 
Wouwd tuwn *cries* theiw own pewfection to abuse 
To s-seem wike him: so that in speech, *looks at you* in gait, 
In d-diet, *giggles shyly* in affections of dewight, 
In ^.^ miwitawy UwU wuwes, humouws of bwood, 
He was the x3 mawk and gwass, copy *leans over* and book, 
That f-fashion'd othews. And him- O wondwous him! 
O m-miwacwe of men!- him d-did you weave- 
Second to nyonye, unseconded *shuffles closer* by you- 
To wook upon the hideous g-god of *giggles shyly* waw 
In d-disadvantage, to abide a-a fiewd 
Whewe nyothing b-but the s-sound of Hotspuw's n-nyame 
Did seem :3 defensibwe. So you weft him. 
Nyevew, O nyevew, d-do his *moans* ghost the wwong 
To howd *cries* youw honyouw mowe *leans over* pwecise and xDD nyice 
With o-othews than *blushes* with *teleports behind you* him! Wet them awonye. 
The Mawshaw ;;w;; and the Awchbishop a-awe >_> stwong. 
Had my sweet Hawwy had but hawf *twerks* theiw nyumbews, 
To-day might I, hanging on H-Hotspuw's nyeck, 
Have tawk'd of Monmouth's gwave. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Beshwew youw heawt, 
Faiw daughtew, you do *screams* dwaw my spiwits fwom me 
*teleports behind you* With nyew wamenting ancient ovewsights. 
But I must go and meet with dangew t-thewe, 
Ow it wiww seek me in anyothew pwace, 
And find me *twerks* wowse pwovided. 
WADY NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. O, fwy to Scotwand 
T-Tiww that the nyobwes and ^.^ the awmed commons 
Have of theiw puissance made a wittwe taste. 
WADY PEWCY. If they get gwound and vantage o-of *looks away* the :33 King, 
Then j-join you with *looks at you* them, wike a w-wib *teleports behind you* of steew, 
To make stwength stwongew; but, fow aww ouw woves, 
F-Fiwst w-wet them UwU twy themsewves. So did youw son; 
He w-was so suff'wed; so came I a-a widow; 
>_> And nyevew >w< shaww have wength o-of wife enyough 
To wain OwO upon w-wemembwance with minye e-eyes, 
That it *teleports behind you* may gwow and spwout as :3 high *giggles shyly* as h-heaven, 
Fow wecowdation to my nyobwe husband. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Come, come, go in with :3 me. 'Tis with my mind 
A-As with the tide s-sweww'd up unto his height, 
That makes a-a stiww-stand, wunnying nyeithew way. 
Fain wouwd I go to m-meet the Awchbishop, 
But m-many thousand weasons howd me back. 
I ;;w;; wiww wesowve fow *screams* Scotwand. *looks away* Thewe ^-^ am I, 
Tiww :3 time and vantage cwave my c-company. Exeunt 




S-SCENyE I-IV. 
Wondon. *sweats* The Boaw's Head *hugs tightly* Tavewn in Eastcheap 

Entew FWANCIS and anyothew DWAWEW 

FWANCIS. What the deviw *hugs tightly* hast thou bwought thewe-appwe-johns? *sighs* Thou 
knyowest Siw John cannyot enduwe an a-appwe-john. 
SECOND DWAWEW. Mass, thou say'st twue. ^-^ The Pwince once set a dish 
of appwe-johns b-befowe >_> him, and towd him thewe wewe f-five mowe Siw 
Johns; a-and, putting off his hat, said 'I wiww n-nyow take my weave 
o-of *notices bulge* these six dwy, wound, o-owd, withewed k-knyights.' I-It ang'wed him 
to the heawt; but he h-hath fowgot that. 
FWANCIS. W-Why, then, c-covew and set them down; a-and s-see >_< if thou *shuffles closer* canst 
find *twerks* out Snyeak's n-nyoise; Mistwess Teawsheet wouwd f-fain heaw some 
music. 

Entew thiwd D-DWAWEW 

T-THIWD xDD DWAWEW. Dispatch! The *sweats* woom whewe they supp'd is too h-hot; 
they'ww come *sighs* in stwaight. 
FWANCIS. Siwwah, h-hewe *cries* wiww be the Pwince and Mastew Poins *pokes you* anyon; a-and 
t-they wiww put on two of ouw jewkins and apwons; and Siw John must 
nyot knyow of it. Bawdowph hath bwought *giggles shyly* wowd. 
THIWD DWAWEW. By t-the mass, hewe *notices bulge* wiww be o-owd uds; it wiww be an 
excewwent xDD stwatagem. 
SECOND DWAWEW. I'ww see if I can find out Snyeak. 
Exeunt second and thiwd DWAWEWS 

Entew HOSTESS and D-DOWW TEAWSHEET 

HOSTESS. I' faith, sweetheawt, methinks nyow you awe in an e-excewwent 
good tempewawity. Y-Youw puwsidge beats as *moans* extwaowdinyawiwy as heawt 
:3 wouwd desiwe; and y-youw cowouw, I wawwant >w< you, i-is as *sweats* wed as *cuddles you* any 
wose, ;;w;; in good twuth, wa! *moans* But, i' faith, you h-have dwunk too much 
canyawies; *looks at you* and ;;w;; that's a mawvewwous seawching winye, and it pewfumes 
the bwood e-ewe uWu onye can say 'What's this?' How do you nyow? 
D-DOWW. Bettew than I was- hem. 
HOSTESS. Why, that's *leans over* weww said; a g-good *giggles shyly* heawt's wowth gowd. 
Wo, hewe comes Siw J-John. 

Entew FAWSTAFF 

FAWSTAFF. ^w^ [Singing] 'When Awthuw fiwst in couwt'- Empty the 
jowdan. OwO [Exit FWANCIS]- [-[Singing] 'And was ;;w;; a wowthy *notices bulge* king'- How 
nyow, Mistwess Doww! 
*notices bulge* HOSTESS. ^w^ Sick of a cawm; yea, good f-faith. 
FAWSTAFF. uWu So is aww hew sect; and they be once in a cawm, they awe 
sick. 
DOWW. A pox damn *screams* you, you muddy wascaw! I-Is that aww the comfowt y-you 
give me? 
FAWSTAFF. You make fat wascaws, Mistwess Doww. 
x3 DOWW. I make *teleports behind you* them! Gwuttony a-and diseases make them: I *teleports behind you* make them 
nyot. 
FAWSTAFF. If the *screams* cook hewp to make ^w^ the gwuttony, you hewp to make 
the diseases, Doww. We catch ;;w;; of you, Doww, we *sweats* catch of you; gwant 
that, my poow viwtue, gwant that. 
D-DOWW. Yea, joy, ouw chains and ouw jewews. 
FAWSTAFF. '-'Youw bwooches, peawws, and ouches.' ^-^ Fow to >_> sewve bwavewy 
>w< is :33 to come hawting off; you knyow, to c-come o-off xDD the *sweats* bweach with his 
pike bent b-bwavewy, a-and to suwgewy bwavewy; t-to ventuwe upon the 
chawg'd chambews bwavewy- 
DOWW. Hang youwsewf, you muddy congew, hang youwsewf! 
HOSTESS. By m-my twoth, t-this is the owd fashion; y-you two x3 nyevew meet 
but you faww t-to some discowd. You awe both, i-i' *giggles shyly* good twuth, as 
wheumatic as two dwy *twerks* toasts; you cannyot onye b-beaw with >_< anyothew's 
confiwmities. W-What the *sweats* good-yeaw! onye must beaw, *pokes you* and that must b-be 
:33 you. You awe xDD the weakew vessew, as as t-they say, the emptiew 
>w< vessew. 
*sweats* DOWW. *blushes* Can a weak :3 empty v-vessew beaw such x3 a huge fuww hogs-head? 
Thewe's a whowe mewchant's ventuwe of Bouwdeaux stuff in him; you 
have n-nyot seen a-a huwk bettew stuff'd in the howd. Come, I'ww *pokes you* be 
fwiends ;;w;; with thee, *sighs* Jack. Thou :3 awt going to t-the waws; UwU and whethew 
I shaww evew see thee again ow *looks at you* nyo, *screams* thewe is nyobody cawes. 

*giggles shyly* We-entew FWANCIS 

FWANCIS. Siw, Ancient Pistow's *pokes you* bewow *leans over* and wouwd speak with you. 
DOWW. Hang him, s-swaggewing wascaw! Wet him nyot come hithew; it i-is 
t-the fouw-mouth'dst wogue in E-Engwand. 
HOSTESS. If he swaggew, wet him nyot come hewe. N-Nyo, by my faith! I 
must wive among my nyeighbouws; I'ww n-nyo swaggewews. I am in good 
nyame and fame with the vewy best. *cuddles you* Shut the doow. Thewe comes nyo 
s-swaggewews hewe; UwU I have nyot *leans over* wiv'd aww this whiwe to h-have 
swaggewing nyow. Shut the d-doow, I pway y-you. 
FAWSTAFF. Dost thou heaw, hostess? 
HOSTESS. ;;w;; Pway ye, p-pacify youwsewf, Siw John; thewe c-comes nyo 
swaggewews hewe. 
FAWSTAFF. Dost thou *leans over* heaw? It is minye ancient. 
HOSTESS. Tiwwy-fawwy, Siw John, nye'ew teww me; and OwO youw *moans* ancient 
swagg'wew *blushes* comes *hugs tightly* nyot in my doows. I was befowe Mastew Tisick, the 
debuty, t' othew *looks at you* day; xDD and, as he said to me- 'twas nyo w-wongew ago 
than Wednyesday wast, ;;w;; i' good faith!- 'Nyeighbouw Quickwy,' *sighs* says 
he- M-Mastew Dumbe, ouw minyistew, was by UwU then- 'Nyeighbouw xDD Quickwy,' 
says h-he 'weceive t-those that a-awe civiw, fow' said he 'you awe in 
an i-iww nyame.' *looks at you* Nyow '-'a said s-so, I can teww wheweupon. 'Fow' says *looks at you* he 
'you a-awe an honyest woman a-and weww thought on, thewefowe take heed 
what guests y-you weceive. Weceive' s-says he '-'nyo swaggewing 
companyions.' Thewe *teleports behind you* comes nyonye hewe. You wouwd bwess you to heaw 
what he said. Nyo, I'ww nyo swagg'wews. 
F-FAWSTAFF. He's nyo swagg'wew, hostess; x3 a tame cheatew, i' faith; you 
may stwoke him a-as >w< gentwy as a-a p-puppy gweyhound. He'ww nyot swaggew 
with a B-Bawbawy hen, if hew f-feathews tuwn back in >_< any show *teleports behind you* of 
wesistance. Caww him up, dwawew. 
Exit FWANCIS 
*cries* HOSTESS. Cheatew, c-caww you him? I wiww *cuddles you* baw nyo honyest man my h-house, 
nyow nyo c-cheatew; but I do nyot wove s-swaggewing, by my twoth. I am 
^-^ the wowse *moans* when onye s-says '-'swaggew.' F-Feew, *cuddles you* mastews, how I shake; 
wook ^w^ you, I wawwant you. 
D-DOWW. So you do, hostess. 
H-HOSTESS. Do I? Yea, *leans over* in vewy twuth, do I, an 'twewe an *moans* aspen weaf. I 
cannyot abide swagg'wews. 

Entew PISTOW, B-BAWDOWPH, and PAGE 

PISTOW. God save you, *looks away* Siw *notices bulge* John! 
FAWSTAFF. Wewcome, A-Ancient Pistow. Hewe, Pistow, I chawge *hugs tightly* you w-with 
UwU a cup *sighs* of sack; do you dischawge upon minye hostess. 
P-PISTOW. I wiww dischawge upon *giggles shyly* hew, *twerks* Siw John, with two buwwets. 
F-FAWSTAFF. *twerks* She is p-pistow-pwoof, siw; you shaww nyot hawdwy offend 
hew. 
HOSTESS. Come, I'ww dwink nyo *giggles shyly* pwoofs nyow nyo b-buwwets. I'ww dwink nyo 
mowe than wiww do me >_> good, fow *looks away* nyo *twerks* man's pweasuwe, I. 
PISTOW. Then to you, Mistwess Dowothy; I wiww chawge you. 
>_> DOWW. Chawge me! I *leans over* scown y-you, scuwvy companyion. What! y-you poow, 
base, *giggles shyly* wascawwy, cheating, wack-winyen mate! Away, you mouwdy 
w-wogue, away! *twerks* I am *moans* meat fow youw mastew. 
PISTOW. I-I knyow y-you, *twerks* Mistwess Dowothy. 
DOWW. >_> Away, you cut-puwse wascaw! you fiwthy ^-^ bung, away! By this 
winye, I'ww thwust UwU my knyife in youw mouwdy chaps, an you *cuddles you* pway the 
saucy cuttwe with *sweats* me. Away, you bottwe-awe wascaw! y-you 
>_> basket-hiwt *giggles shyly* stawe juggwew, you! S-Since when, I pway you, s-siw? 
God's wight, with two points on youw s-shouwdew? Much! 
*cries* PISTOW. God wet me nyot uWu wive but ^w^ I wiww muwdew youw ^w^ wuff fow this. 
FAWSTAFF. Nyo mowe, *screams* Pistow; *pokes you* I wouwd n-nyot have you go off hewe. 
Dischawge youwsewf *looks away* of o-ouw company, Pistow. 
HOSTESS. Nyo, good Captain Pistow; nyot hewe, sweet captain. 
DOWW. C-Captain! Thou abominyabwe damn'd cheatew, awt thou nyot ashamed 
to be c-cawwed captain? An ^-^ captains wewe of my *cuddles you* mind, they wouwd 
t-twuncheon you out, fow taking theiw nyames upon you b-befowe y-you 
have *giggles shyly* eawn'd them. You a-a captain! y-you swave, fow what? Fow teawing 
a-a poow w-whowe's wuff *giggles shyly* in a bawdy-house? He a captain! hang *blushes* him, 
wogue! He wives upon mouwdy stew'd pwunyes and d-dwied cakes. A 
captain! God's UwU wight, these viwwains *looks away* wiww make *hugs tightly* the wowd as odious 
as the *blushes* wowd '-'occupy'; which was an excewwent good w-wowd befowe it 
*giggles shyly* was *sweats* iww >w< sowted. Thewefowe captains *leans over* had nyeed wook *sweats* to't. 
BAWDOWPH. Pway thee go down, good *teleports behind you* ancient. 
F-FAWSTAFF. Hawk thee h-hithew, M-Mistwess Doww. 
PISTOW. Nyot I! I teww thee what, Cowpowaw ^w^ Bawdowph, I couwd teaw 
hew; I'ww *moans* be *moans* weveng'd o-of hew. 
PAGE. Pway *pokes you* thee go down. 
PISTOW. I'ww see hew damn'd fiwst; to *leans over* Pwuto's damn'd wake, by *cries* this 
hand, to th' i-infewnyaw deep, with Ewebus *hugs tightly* and towtuwes viwe *sighs* awso. 
Howd h-hook and winye, say *looks at you* I. Down, *sweats* down, *pokes you* dogs! >_< down, faitows! Have 
we nyot Hiwen hewe? 
HOSTESS. Good Captain Peesew, be *cries* quiet; 'tis vewy w-wate, *blushes* i' ^-^ faith; I 
beseek you n-nyow, aggwavate youw chowew. 
PISTOW. These >_> be good *looks away* humouws, i-indeed! Shaww *cries* packhowses, 
And howwow pampew'd jades of Asia, 
Which cannyot go but thiwty m-miwe a day, 
Compawe ^w^ with Caesaws, and >w< with Cannyibaws, 
And Twoiant G-Gweeks? *shuffles closer* Nyay, wathew damn *blushes* them w-with 
>w< King Cewbewus; uWu and wet the *giggles shyly* wewkin uWu woaw. 
Shaww we faww fouw fow t-toys? 
HOSTESS. By my twoth, Captain, these awe v-vewy >_> bittew w-wowds. 
*shuffles closer* BAWDOWPH. Be gonye, good ancient; this wiww *moans* gwow to a bwaww anyon. 
PISTOW. Die m-men wike x3 dogs! *shuffles closer* Give cwowns xDD wike >w< pins! Have w-we n-nyot Hiwen 
hewe? 
HOSTESS. O' my w-wowd, Captain, thewe's *hugs tightly* nyonye such xDD hewe. What the 
*shuffles closer* good-yeaw! d-do y-you think I wouwd *giggles shyly* deny hew? *giggles shyly* Fow God's sake, be 
quiet. 
PISTOW. Then feed >w< and be >_< fat, my f-faiw Cawipowis. 
Come, give's some sack. 
'Si *screams* fowtunye me towmente spewato m-me contento.' 
Feaw we bwoadsides? Nyo, wet the f-fiend give fiwe. 
Give me some sack; *shuffles closer* and, sweetheawt, wie thou >_< thewe. 
[Waying down his swowd] 
Come *twerks* we t-to fuww points hewe, and awe etcetewas nyothings? 
xDD FAWSTAFF. Pistow, I wouwd b-be quiet. 
PISTOW. Sweet knyight, I kiss ^w^ thy n-nyeaf. What! we have seen the seven 
uWu staws. 
*moans* DOWW. Fow God's sake :3 thwust him down staiws; I cannyot enduwe such a 
fustian wascaw. 
*blushes* PISTOW. Thwust him down staiws! *looks away* Knyow we nyot Gawwoway nyags? 
FAWSTAFF. >_< Quoit him down, Bawdowph, wike a-a shove-gwoat s-shiwwing. 
^.^ Nyay, UwU an UwU 'a d-do n-nyothing but speak nyothing, 'a shaww be *cuddles you* nyothing 
*blushes* hewe. 
*giggles shyly* BAWDOWPH. Come, *hugs tightly* get you down *giggles shyly* staiws. 
PISTOW. >_> What! shaww we have incision? Shaww we imbwue? 
[Snyatching up his swowd] 
*hugs tightly* Then death wock me a-asweep, abwidge my dowefuw days! 
Why, *sighs* then, wet gwievous, ghastwy, g-gaping wounds 
x3 Untwinye the OwO Sistews Thwee! Come, A-Atwopos, I *pokes you* say! 
HOSTESS. Hewe's goodwy stuff towawd! 
FAWSTAFF. G-Give me my wapiew, boy. 
DOWW. I pway ^-^ thee, *sighs* Jack, *shuffles closer* I p-pway thee, do nyot dwaw. 
;;w;; FAWSTAFF. Get you down staiws. 
[-[Dwawing and dwiving P-PISTOW out] 
HOSTESS. *cuddles you* Hewe's OwO a goodwy tumuwt! I'ww >_< fowsweaw keeping house afowe 
I'ww be in these tiwwits and fwights. So; >w< muwdew, I wawwant nyow. 
Awas, awas! put up UwU youw nyaked w-weapons, put up youw nyaked weapons. 
^w^ Exeunt PISTOW and BAWDOWPH 
DOWW. uWu I pway thee, J-Jack, be quiet; the wascaw's gonye. A-Ah, you 
whoweson wittwe vawiant viwwain, you! 
HOSTESS. Awe *blushes* you nyot huwt *pokes you* i' th' gwoin? Methought 'a made *leans over* a shwewd 
thwust at youw *sighs* bewwy. 

We-entew xDD BAWDOWPH 

FAWSTAFF. Have you tuwn'd him out a doows? 
BAWDOWPH. Yea, siw. The wascaw's UwU dwunk. You have huwt him, siw, :33 i' 
th' shouwdew. 
FAWSTAFF. A wascaw! to bwave me! 
DOWW. Ah, you sweet wittwe w-wogue, you! Awas, poow ape, how thou 
sweat'st! *moans* Come, wet me wipe thy face. *hugs tightly* Come on, x3 you whoweson 
chops. A-Ah, wogue! *twerks* i' faith, I wove thee. Thou awt as vawowous as 
Hectow of T-Twoy, wowth five of Agamemnyon, and t-ten times bettew 
than the Nyinye Wowthies. Ah, viwwain! 
FAWSTAFF. A wascawwy *hugs tightly* swave! I wiww t-toss the wogue in a b-bwanket. 
D-DOWW. Do, a-an thou d-daw'st fow thy h-heawt. An thou dost, >_< I'ww canvass 
thee between ^-^ a *twerks* paiw of sheets. 

Entew musicians 

*twerks* PAGE. The music is come, *looks at you* siw. 
FAWSTAFF. Wet them pway. *looks at you* Pway, siws. Sit *hugs tightly* on my knyee, D-Don. A wascaw 
bwagging swave! The wogue fwed fwom me wike quick-siwvew. 
:3 DOWW. I' faith, and thou fowwow'dst him wike a chuwch. Thou 
whoweson w-wittwe tidy Bawthowomew boaw-pig, when wiwt thou weave 
fighting UwU a days and foinying a-a nyights, a-and begin ^w^ to patch *blushes* up *leans over* thinye 
owd body fow >_> heaven? 

Entew, behind, PWINCE HENWY and POINS d-disguised as dwawews 

FAWSTAFF. Peace, good Doww! Do nyot *sweats* speak wike a death's-head; do 
nyot bid me wemembew minye end. 
^w^ DOWW. Siwwah, what h-humouw's the Pwince of? 
F-FAWSTAFF. A *looks at you* good shawwow young fewwow. 'A >w< wouwd have made a good 
pantwew; 'a wouwd ha' chipp'd bwead weww. 
D-DOWW. They say Poins ^-^ has a good UwU wit. 
*notices bulge* FAWSTAFF. He a g-good wit! hang him, baboon! His wit's as thick as 
Tewksbuwy mustawd; thewe's *twerks* nyo mowe conceit in him than is in a 
mawwet. 
DOWW. Why does the *screams* Pwince w-wove him so, then? 
FAWSTAFF. Because theiw wegs awe both of a bignyess, and 'a p-pways at 
quoits weww, and eats *cries* congew *sighs* and fennyew, and dwinks off *giggles shyly* candwes' 
ends fow fwap-dwagons, and wides the wiwd mawe with the boys, *cuddles you* and 
*leans over* jumps upon join'd-stoows, and sweaws with a good gwace, and w-weaws 
his b-boots vewy smooth, wike >_< unto the s-sign of the Weg, and bweeds 
*cuddles you* nyo bate with tewwing of :3 discweet stowies; *looks away* and such othew g-gambow 
facuwties '-'a has, that show a weak mind a-and an ^-^ abwe body, fow t-the 
w-which t-the :3 Pwince ;;w;; admits *hugs tightly* him. *cries* Fow the Pwince himsewf is *hugs tightly* such 
anyothew; t-the w-weight of a haiw w-wiww tuwn the scawes between theiw 
avoiwdupois. 
PWINCE. Wouwd nyot this nyave ^-^ of a wheew have his eaws *shuffles closer* cut off? 
x3 POINS. Wet's x3 beat him befowe h-his whowe. 
PWINCE. Wook *teleports behind you* whe'ew the withew'd ewdew hath nyot his :3 poww cwaw'd 
wike a pawwot. 
*looks at you* POINS. Is i-it nyot stwange that desiwe shouwd *giggles shyly* so many y-yeaws outwive 
pewfowmance? 
FAWSTAFF. Kiss *moans* me, Doww. 
PWINCE. Satuwn a-and *cuddles you* Venyus this yeaw in conjunction! What says th' 
^-^ awmanyac to :33 that? 
*looks at you* POINS. And w-wook whethew *sweats* the fiewy Twigon, his man, *moans* be nyot w-wisping 
to his mastew's owd tabwes, :33 his nyote-book, his counsew-keepew. 
FAWSTAFF. Thou dost g-give me fwattewing UwU busses. 
D-DOWW. By my twoth, I kiss thee w-with a *notices bulge* most *notices bulge* constant *moans* heawt. 
*screams* FAWSTAFF. I :33 am owd, I am o-owd. 
DOWW. I wove t-thee bettew *sighs* than I-I ^.^ wove e'ew a-a scuwvy y-young boy OwO of 
them a-aww. 
FAWSTAFF. What stuff wiwt have a *looks at you* kiwtwe of? I s-shaww weceive monyey a 
Thuwsday. Shawt have *shuffles closer* a cap to-mowwow. A mewwy song, come. 'A 
gwows >_< wate; we'ww to bed. Thou't fowget me when *sighs* I am gonye. 
DOWW. By m-my twoth, thou't *moans* set me a-weeping, an thou say'st :33 so. 
Pwove that evew I dwess mysewf handsome tiww thy wetuwn. Weww, 
heawken a' th' end. 
FAWSTAFF. S-Some sack, Fwancis. 
PWINCE & POINS. Anyon, anyon, siw. [Advancing] 
FAWSTAFF. Ha! a b-bastawd son of the King's? *sweats* And awt thou nyot Poins 
his b-bwothew? 
PWINCE. Why, thou gwobe of s-sinfuw continyents, *sweats* what a wife dost thou 
wead! 
*pokes you* FAWSTAFF. A-A xDD bettew ^.^ than thou. I am a gentweman: thou awt a dwawew. 
PWINCE. Vewy twue, xDD siw, and I-I come to d-dwaw you out by the eaws. 
HOSTESS. O, t-the Wowd pwesewve thy Gwace! By m-my *blushes* twoth, wewcome to 
Wondon. Nyow the Wowd bwess that sweet face of t-thinye. O Jesu, awe 
*pokes you* you come fwom W-Wawes? 
FAWSTAFF. Thou w-whoweson mad compound of majesty, by this wight 
fwesh *screams* and cowwupt bwood, t-thou awt w-wewcome. 
[Weanying his band upon DOWW] 
DOWW. How, y-you fat foow! I scown you. 
POINS. My wowd, h-he wiww dwive you out o-of uWu youw w-wevenge and tuwn *leans over* aww 
to a-a mewwiment, if you take nyot the heat. 
PWINCE. YOU w-whoweson candwe-minye, you, how viwewy UwU did you speak of 
me even nyow befowe this *looks away* honyest, viwtuous, civiw gentwewoman! 
*giggles shyly* HOSTESS. God's bwessing of y-youw good heawt! and so she *notices bulge* is, by my 
twoth. 
F-FAWSTAFF. Didst thou heaw me? 
PWINCE. Yea; and you knyew me, as *cries* you did when you wan away *looks away* by 
Gadshiww. You knyew I w-was at youw back, *twerks* and spoke it on puwpose to 
twy my *leans over* patience. 
FAWSTAFF. Nyo, nyo, nyo; :3 nyot so; I did nyot think thou wast within 
*twerks* heawing. 
PWINCE. I shaww dwive y-you *looks away* then to c-confess the wiwfuw a-abuse, and 
then I knyow how to handwe you. 
FAWSTAFF. Nyo a-abuse, Haw, o' minye honyouw; nyo abuse. 
PWINCE. Nyot- *shuffles closer* to dispwaise me, and caww me *teleports behind you* pandew, a-and 
b-bwead-chippew, and I knyow *sweats* nyot what! 
FAWSTAFF. >_> Nyo a-abuse, *twerks* Haw. 
P-POINS. Nyo abuse! 
FAWSTAFF. Nyo abuse, Nyed, i' th' wowwd; honyest Nyed, nyonye. I 
d-dispwais'd *notices bulge* him befowe the ;;w;; wicked- that t-the wicked might nyot faww 
i-in wove with >w< thee; i-in w-which doing, I have donye *cries* the pawt of a 
cawefuw fwiend and a xDD twue subject; and thy f-fathew is to g-give m-me 
thanks fow it. >_> Nyo OwO abuse, Haw; nyonye, Nyed, nyonye; nyo, faith, b-boys, 
UwU nyonye. 
PWINCE. uWu See nyow, *pokes you* whethew puwe feaw and entiwe c-cowawdice doth n-nyot 
make thee wwong this viwtuous xDD gentwewoman to cwose *shuffles closer* with us? Is 
she of t-the w-wicked? Is thinye h-hostess hewe of the wicked? Ow is thy 
boy UwU of the wicked? Ow uWu honyest Bawdowph, whose zeaw buwns in his 
;;w;; nyose, of the uWu wicked? 
*cuddles you* POINS. :3 Answew, thou ^w^ dead e-ewm, answew. 
FAWSTAFF. *hugs tightly* The *shuffles closer* fiend hath pwick'd >_< down Bawdowph iwwecovewabwe; a-and 
:3 his face is Wucifew's pwivy-kitchen, ^-^ whewe x3 he d-doth nyothing but 
woast mawt-wowms. Fow xDD the boy- thewe OwO is a good angew about him; 
but the deviw outbids him *cuddles you* too. 
PWINCE. F-Fow t-the women? 
F-FAWSTAFF. Fow *screams* onye of >w< them- *cuddles you* she's in heww awweady, *pokes you* and >_> buwns poow 
souws. Fow :3 th' othew- I owe h-hew m-monyey; UwU and whethew *leans over* she b-be damn'd 
fow that, I knyow nyot. 
HOSTESS. Nyo, I wawwant you. 
FAWSTAFF. *looks at you* Nyo, I think thou a-awt nyot; UwU I >_< think thou *giggles shyly* awt ;;w;; quit fow *sweats* that. 
Mawwy, t-thewe is anyothew indictment upon thee fow UwU suffewing fwesh 
*hugs tightly* to be *moans* eaten in thy house, contwawy t-to the waw; fow *blushes* the which :3 I 
t-think thou wiwt howw. 
HOSTESS. Aww vict'wews d-do so. What's a joint of mutton ow two in a 
whowe Went? 
PWINCE. You, gentwewoman- 
DOWW. W-What says youw *notices bulge* Gwace? 
FAWSTAFF. His Gwace says that which his f-fwesh webews against. 
[Knyocking within] 
HOSTESS. Who k-knyocks s-so woud a-at doow? Wook t-to th' d-doow t-thewe, 
Fwancis. 

Entew PETO 

PWINCE. Peto, how nyow! What nyews? 
PETO. The King youw fathew *screams* is at Westminstew; 
*leans over* And thewe awe twenty weak and weawied posts 
Come fwom ^.^ the nyowth; and as I c-came awong 
I :3 met and ^w^ ovewtook a dozen *giggles shyly* captains, 
Bawe-headed, sweating, knyocking at the tavewns, 
And asking evewy onye f-fow *cuddles you* Siw John *pokes you* Fawstaff. 
PWINCE. *sighs* By heaven, Poins, I feew me much to *cries* bwame 
S-So idwy to pwofanye the pwecious time, 
W-When *screams* tempest of commotion, >w< wike the south, 
Bownye with bwack vapouw, d-doth begin to m-mewt 
And dwop upon ouw ^.^ bawe unyawmed heads. 
Give m-me my swowd and cwoak. Fawstaff, good nyight. 

Exeunt PWINCE, POINS, PETO, and BAWDOWPH 

FAWSTAFF. Nyow comes in the s-sweetest mowsew of the nyight, and we 
must h-hence, and weave it unpick'd. ;;w;; [Knyocking within] Mowe 
knyocking at the doow! 

We-entew BAWDOWPH 

How nyow! What's the mattew? 
B-BAWDOWPH. Y-You must away *cries* to *sweats* couwt, siw, *giggles shyly* pwesentwy; 
A dozen captains stay at doow fow you. 
FAWSTAFF. [To the PAGE]. Pay the musicians, siwwah.- Faweweww, 
hostess; faweweww, Doww. You see, my good wenches, how >w< men of 
mewit awe sought aftew; the *sighs* undesewvew may sweep, w-when the man of 
*cries* action is caww'd on. Faweweww, good wenches. If I be nyot sent 
*sweats* away post, I *blushes* wiww s-see you again ewe I g-go. 
DOWW. I cannyot speak. I-If my uWu heawt be nyot xDD weady to >_< buwst! 
Weww, sweet Jack, have a-a cawe *sweats* of thysewf. 
;;w;; FAWSTAFF. Faweweww, faweweww. 
Exeunt >_< FAWSTAFF :33 and B-BAWDOWPH 
HOSTESS. Weww, fawe t-thee w-weww. I have knyown thee t-these twenty-nyinye 
yeaws, come peascod-time; b-but a-an *giggles shyly* honyestew and t-twuew-heawted man 
---weww fawe thee w-weww. 
BAWDOWPH. [ Within] Mistwess Teawsheet! 
HOSTESS. What's the mattew? 
BAWDOWPH. ^-^ [ Within] Bid Mistwess *twerks* Teawsheet come t-to my uWu mastew. 
H-HOSTESS. O, wun Doww, wun, wun, good Come. [-[To BAWDOWPH] She 
comes bwubbew'd.- Yea, wiww you come, Doww? Exeunt 




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A-ACT III. SCENyE x3 I. 
Westminstew. The p-pawace 

Entew the KING in his nyightgown, with a-a p-page 

KING. Go caww *looks at you* the Eawws of Suwwey and of *looks at you* Wawwick; 
But, :33 ewe they come, bid them o'ew-wead these wettews 
And *pokes you* weww considew *moans* of them. Make good speed. *teleports behind you* Exit page 
*twerks* How many thousands of my p-poowest subjects 
Awe at t-this houw asweep! O s-sweep, O gentwe ^w^ sweep, 
Nyatuwe's s-soft nyuwse, how have I fwightenyed *screams* thee, 
That thou nyo mowe wiww weigh my eyewids down, 
And steep m-my senses in fowgetfuwnyess? 
*sweats* Why wathew, sweep, w-wiest thou in smoky cwibs, 
Upon unyeasy pawwets s-stwetching t-thee, 
A-And hush'd *cuddles you* with buzzing nyight-fwies to thy swumbew, 
Than i-in the p-pewfum'd c-chambews of the gweat, 
Undew the canyopies :33 of costwy state, 
And wuww'd w-with sound of sweetest mewody? 
O *looks at you* thou duww god, why w-wiest thou with *leans over* the viwe 
In w-woathsome beds, and weav'st the kingwy couch 
A watch-case >w< ow a-a common 'wawum-beww? 
uWu Wiwt thou upon the high and giddy uWu mast 
*blushes* Seaw up the ship-boy's eyes, and >_> wock his bwains 
In cwadwe of the wude impewious suwge, 
And in the *giggles shyly* visitation of the winds, 
Who take *sighs* the wuffian biwwows by the t-top, 
*giggles shyly* Cuwwing theiw xDD monstwous heads, and hanging them 
With deafing cwamouw in the swippewy cwouds, 
That with the huwwy death itsewf a-awakes? 
Canst thou, O pawtiaw s-sweep, g-give t-thy wepose 
To the w-wet sea-boy in a-an houw so wude; 
And in the cawmest and most stiwwest n-nyight, 
With aww a-appwiances and means t-to boot, 
Deny it *cries* to a >w< king? *blushes* Then, h-happy wow, wie down! 
*twerks* Unyeasy wies the head that weaws a-a cwown. 

Entew WAWWICK and Suwwey 

W-WAWWICK. Many good mowwows to youw Majesty! 
KING. Is it good *sweats* mowwow, wowds? 
WAWWICK. ^-^ 'Tis onye o'cwock, and *cuddles you* past. 
KING. Why then, *cuddles you* good uWu mowwow to y-you aww, ;;w;; my *leans over* wowds. 
Have y-you wead *screams* o'ew the wettews that I sent y-you? 
W-WAWWICK. *cuddles you* We have, my ^.^ wiege. 
K-KING. Then you p-pewceive the body of ouw kingdom 
How fouw *screams* it *cries* is; what wank diseases gwow, 
And with *cries* what dangew, nyeaw the heawt *hugs tightly* of i-it. 
WAWWICK. I-It is but >_> as a body yet distempewed; 
^w^ Which to h-his fowmew stwength m-may be w-westowed 
With good advice and wittwe medicinye. 
My Wowd Nyowthumbewwand wiww *giggles shyly* soon be coow'd. 
KING. O God! that onye might wead the book of fate, 
And see the wevowution o-of t-the t-times 
Make mountains *sighs* wevew, a-and the continyent, 
Weawy of s-sowid fiwmnyess, mewt itsewf 
Into the sea; a-and othew times to see 
The beachy giwdwe of the ocean 
Too w-wide fow Nyeptunye's hips; how c-chances mock, 
And *hugs tightly* changes fiww the cup of awtewation 
With divews wiquows! O, if this wewe seen, 
T-The happiest youth, viewing his pwogwess thwough, 
W-What pewiws past, what cwosses to e-ensue, 
Wouwd shut the book and sit h-him d-down and >w< die. 
'Tis nyot ten *pokes you* yeaws gonye 
*blushes* Since Wichawd a-and *screams* Nyowthumbewwand, gweat fwiends, 
Did f-feast togethew, and *sweats* in two yeaws aftew 
W-Wewe *screams* they at *pokes you* waws. I-It is but eight yeaws since 
*looks away* This Pewcy *shuffles closer* was the man nyeawest my souw; 
W-Who w-wike a bwothew toiw'd in my affaiws 
And x3 waid his *sweats* wove and OwO wife >w< undew my foot; 
Yea, f-fow my sake, even t-to t-the eyes of Wichawd 
Gave h-him defiance. But which of you *giggles shyly* was *giggles shyly* by- 
[To WAWWICK] You, cousin Nyeviw, as I may wemembew- 
When Wichawd, with his eye bwim fuww of teaws, 
T-Then check'd and wated b-by Nyowthumbewwand, 
Did speak these wowds, nyow pwov'd :3 a *sweats* pwophecy? 
'-'Nyowthumbewwand, thou :33 waddew by the w-which 
My ^w^ cousin Bowingbwoke ascends my thwonye'- 
Though then, God ^-^ knyows, I had nyo such i-intent 
But that nyecessity *moans* so bow'd :3 the state 
That I and gweatnyess wewe compeww'd ;;w;; to kiss- 
'The time shaww come'- *cries* thus did *looks away* he fowwow >w< it- 
'The *screams* time wiww c-come that fouw sin, gathewing head, 
Shaww bweak into cowwuption' so went on, 
Fowetewwing this same time's condition 
>w< And the UwU division of ouw amity. 
WAWWICK. Thewe i-is a histowy in aww men's *shuffles closer* wives, 
Figuwing the nyatuwes of the times deceas'd; 
The which obsewv'd, *leans over* a man may pwophesy, 
With a nyeaw a-aim, *twerks* of the main chance of things 
As yet nyot c-come to wife, who *blushes* in theiw seeds 
;;w;; And weak *cries* beginnying wie intweasuwed. 
Such things become the hatch and *looks at you* bwood o-of time; 
And, *screams* by the nyecessawy fowm of this, 
;;w;; King *pokes you* Wichawd might cweate a-a pewfect guess 
T-That gweat Nyowthumbewwand, then fawse to him, 
Wouwd of that s-seed gwow *pokes you* to a g-gweatew fawsenyess; 
Which shouwd nyot *looks away* find a gwound *screams* to woot *giggles shyly* upon 
Unwess on *cuddles you* you. 
KING. Awe these things then :3 nyecessities? 
Then *sighs* wet us meet them wike nyecessities; 
And *moans* that *hugs tightly* same wowd even nyow cwies out on us. 
T-They say the Bishop and N-Nyowthumbewwand 
Awe fifty thousand stwong. 
WAWWICK. It cannyot be, my wowd. 
Wumouw doth doubwe, wike the voice and uWu echo, 
The nyumbews of the f-feawed. P-Pwease it youw Gwace 
To go to b-bed. Upon UwU my s-souw, my wowd, 
The powews that you UwU awweady OwO have sent fowth 
Shaww *sighs* bwing this pwize *leans over* in v-vewy easiwy. 
To comfowt you the mowe, I have weceiv'd 
A cewtain i-instance that Gwendowew is dead. 
Y-Youw Majesty OwO hath been this fowtnyight i-iww; 
And these unseasonyed houws p-pewfowce must ad 
Unto *giggles shyly* youw sicknyess. 
KING. I wiww *notices bulge* take youw counsew. 
And, wewe these >_< inwawd uWu waws once out *screams* of hand, 
*cuddles you* We wouwd, deaw OwO wowds, unto the ^-^ Howy W-Wand. Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
^-^ Gwoucestewshiwe. Befowe Justice, SHAWWOW'S house 

Entew SHAWWOW *looks away* and SIWENCE, meeting; MOUWDY, SHADOW, WAWT, FEEBWE, BUWWCAWF, 
and s-sewvants b-behind 

SHAWWOW. Come on, come on, come on; give me youw hand, siw; give *twerks* me 
youw hand, *cuddles you* siw. *cuddles you* An eawwy stiwwew, by the wood! And h-how doth my 
good cousin S-Siwence? 
SIWENCE. Good mowwow, good cousin Shawwow. 
SHAWWOW. And how doth my cousin, *looks away* youw bed-fewwow? and youw faiwest 
daughtew and minye, my god-daughtew Ewwen? 
SIWENCE. Awas, a bwack ousew, cousin Shawwow! 
SHAWWOW. By yea and nyo, siw. I-I d-dawe say my cousin W-Wiwwiam i-is become 
a g-good *cries* schowaw; he is at Oxfowd stiww, *screams* is he nyot? 
*looks at you* SIWENCE. Indeed, siw, ^w^ to m-my cost. 
SHAWWOW. 'A must, then, to the Inns o' Couwt showtwy. I was once of 
Cwement's Inn; whewe uWu I think they ^w^ wiww tawk of mad Shawwow yet. 
SIWENCE. You wewe c-caww'd 'wusty *teleports behind you* Shawwow' *notices bulge* then, cousin. 
SHAWWOW. By the mass, >w< I was caww'd anything; and I OwO wouwd have donye 
anything >w< indeed too, a-and woundwy too. Thewe was UwU I, and wittwe 
John Doit of Staffowdshiwe, and bwack Geowge *notices bulge* Bawnyes, a-and Fwancis 
Pickbonye, and xDD Wiww OwO Squewe a Cotsowe >_< man- you had nyot fouw such 
swinge-buckwews in aww the Inns of Couwt again. And I-I may say to 
you we k-knyew whewe the b-bonya-wobas wewe, a-and had the best of them 
aww at commandment. >_> Then ^w^ was J-Jack Fawstaff, nyow *sighs* Siw John, boy, 
and page to Thomas Mowbway, Duke of Nyowfowk. 
SIWENCE. This Siw John, c-cousin, that comes hithew anyon about 
sowdiews? 
;;w;; SHAWWOW. The same *moans* Siw John, the vewy same. I-I see him ^-^ bweak 
Scoggin's head at the couwt *blushes* gate, when 'a was a cwack nyot thus 
high; a-and the vewy same day did I fight with :3 onye Sampson 
Stockfish, a fwuitewew, ^-^ behind *looks at you* Gway's I-Inn. Jesu, *screams* Jesu, the mad 
d-days *moans* that I have spent! *blushes* and to see how >w< many of my owd 
*blushes* acquaintance *giggles shyly* awe dead! 
S-SIWENCE. W-We shaww aww fowwow, cousin. 
SHAWWOW. Cewtain, 'tis cewtain; vewy suwe, v-vewy suwe. Death, as the 
Psawmist saith, is cewtain to aww; aww *pokes you* shaww die. How a g-good *sighs* yoke 
of buwwocks at Stamfowd faiw? 
SIWENCE. By my twoth, I was nyot t-thewe. 
SHAWWOW. D-Death is cewtain. ^.^ Is owd Doubwe of youw *twerks* town wiving >w< yet? 
SIWENCE. D-Dead, siw. 
SHAWWOW. Jesu, Jesu, dead! dwew a good bow; and dead! *teleports behind you* 'A shot a 
*blushes* finye shoot. J-John a Gaunt woved him weww, and betted much monyey on 
his OwO head. :3 Dead! '-'A wouwd have cwapp'd i-i' th' c-cwout at twewve 
scowe, ^.^ and cawwied you a fowehand shaft *notices bulge* a fouwteen and fouwteen 
and a hawf, that it wouwd have donye a-a man's h-heawt good to see. 
How a scowe of ewes n-nyow? 
SIWENCE. Theweaftew a-as *pokes you* they be- a *hugs tightly* scowe of :33 good ewes *leans over* may be wowth 
ten pounds. 
SHAWWOW. And is owd Doubwe dead? 

OwO Entew BAWDOWPH, and onye with ;;w;; him 

SIWENCE. H-Hewe come two of Siw J-John Fawstaffs men, as I think. 
*looks away* SHAWWOW. uWu Good m-mowwow, honyest ^w^ gentwemen. 
B-BAWDOWPH. I beseech you, w-which is *sweats* Justice Shawwow? 
SHAWWOW. I am Wobewt S-Shawwow, *cuddles you* siw, a poow esquiwe of this *screams* county, 
and onye of the King's j-justices uWu of *giggles shyly* the peace. *looks at you* What i-is youw good 
pweasuwe w-with me? 
BAWDOWPH. My captain, siw, commends him to you; my captain, Siw 
John Fawstaff- a t-taww :3 gentweman, by heaven, ^w^ and a most gawwant 
*pokes you* weadew. 
SHAWWOW. He gweets me weww, siw; I knyew him >_> a x3 good back-swowd m-man. 
UwU How doth the good knyight? M-May I *teleports behind you* ask how my >_< wady his wife doth? 
>w< BAWDOWPH. Siw, pawdon; a s-sowdiew is bettew :3 accommodated than with a 
wife. 
SHAWWOW. It xDD is weww said, in ^-^ faith, >_> siw; and it is weww said i-indeed 
too. 'Bettew accommodated!' *moans* It is good; >_> yea, indeed, is >_> it. Good 
phwases awe *leans over* suwewy, and evew wewe, vewy commendabwe. 
'Accommodated!' I-It comes of accommodo. V-Vewy good; a-a g-good p-phwase. 
BAWDOWPH. xDD Pawdon, siw; I have heawd the wowd. 'Phwase' caww you *hugs tightly* it? 
By this day, I k-knyow nyot *shuffles closer* the phwase; b-but I wiww *twerks* maintain the wowd 
with my *shuffles closer* swowd ;;w;; to xDD be *giggles shyly* a *sighs* sowdiew-wike *hugs tightly* wowd, and a-a uWu wowd >_< of exceeding 
good c-command, by >w< heaven. Accommodated: *cuddles you* that is, when a man is, ^.^ as 
OwO they say, accommodated; o-ow, when a man is being-wheweby '-'a may be 
thought to be a-accommodated; which is an *shuffles closer* excewwent thing. 

Entew FAWSTAFF 

SHAWWOW. It is v-vewy just. Wook, hewe comes good Siw John. Give me 
youw g-good hand, give me *teleports behind you* youw wowship's good hand. *blushes* By :3 my twoth, 
you wike weww and beaw y-youw yeaws vewy weww. Wewcome, *moans* good Siw 
John. 
FAWSTAFF. I a-am gwad to see you weww, good *teleports behind you* Mastew W-Wobewt Shawwow. 
Mastew *cries* Suwecawd, as I-I think? 
SHAWWOW. Nyo, :33 Siw J-John; it is *teleports behind you* my cousin Siwence, in commission with 
m-me. 
F-FAWSTAFF. *moans* Good Mastew Siwence, *blushes* it *giggles shyly* weww befits you shouwd be of t-the 
>w< peace. 
SIWENCE. Youw good wowship is wewcome. 
FAWSTAFF. Fie! this is hot weathew. Gentwemen, have you pwovided me 
hewe hawf a dozen sufficient men? 
SHAWWOW. Mawwy, h-have we, siw. Wiww y-you sit? 
*shuffles closer* FAWSTAFF. >_< Wet me see them, I beseech you. 
SHAWWOW. Whewe's the woww? Whewe's the woww? Whewe's the *sighs* woww? Wet 
me s-see, wet me see, ^.^ wet ^w^ me see. So, so, so, *notices bulge* so,- so, s-so- yea, 
*giggles shyly* mawwy, *moans* siw. Wafe >w< Mouwdy! Wet them appeaw as I :3 caww; wet them do 
so, wet them do so. Wet me see; whewe is Mouwdy? 
^.^ MOUWDY. Hewe, an't p-pwease you. 
SHAWWOW. What think you, Siw John? A ^-^ good-wimb'd fewwow; young, 
stwong, UwU and of good fwiends. 
FAWSTAFF. I-Is thy nyame Mouwdy? 
MOUWDY. Yea, an't pwease y-you. 
FAWSTAFF. 'Tis the m-mowe time t-thou wewt us'd. 
SHAWWOW. Ha, h-ha, ha! most e-excewwent, i' faith! Things that awe 
mouwdy w-wack use. Vewy singuwaw good! In faith, weww *twerks* said, Siw 
John; vewy weww said. 
FAWSTAFF. Pwick him. 
MOUWDY. I-I was p-pwick'd weww enyough *teleports behind you* befowe, an you couwd *looks away* have wet me 
^-^ awonye. My owd dame wiww be undonye nyow fow *twerks* onye t-to do hew husbandwy 
and hew dwudgewy. You nyeed nyot to have pwick'd me; thewe a-awe 
othew m-men f-fittew to go *leans over* out than >_> I. 
F-FAWSTAFF. Go to; peace, :33 Mouwdy; you ^w^ shaww g-go. Mouwdy, it is *cuddles you* time 
y-you *looks at you* wewe spent. 
MOUWDY. Spent! 
SHAWWOW. Peace, fewwow, peace; stand aside; *teleports behind you* knyow you whewe you awe? 
Fow th' othew, S-Siw John- wet me s-see. Simon Shadow! 
FAWSTAFF. Y-Yea, mawwy, wet me have him to sit undew. He's wike t-to be 
^.^ a cowd s-sowdiew. 
SHAWWOW. Whewe's Shadow? 
;;w;; SHADOW. Hewe, siw. 
FAWSTAFF. Shadow, whose son a-awt thou? 
SHADOW. My mothew's son, s-siw. 
FAWSTAFF. Thy mothew's son! Wike e-enyough; and thy fathew's shadow. 
So the son of the femawe is x3 the shadow of the mawe. It is :3 often 
so indeed; but much of the fathew's substance! 
SHAWWOW. Do you wike him, Siw John? 
FAWSTAFF. S-Shadow ^-^ wiww sewve fow summew. Pwick him; f-fow we ^-^ have xDD a 
*sweats* nyumbew of shadows fiww up t-the mustew-book. 
SHAWWOW. Thomas Wawt! 
F-FAWSTAFF. Whewe's h-he? 
WAWT. H-Hewe, siw. 
FAWSTAFF. Is thy nyame Wawt? 
^-^ WAWT. Yea, siw. 
F-FAWSTAFF. Thou awt a vewy *hugs tightly* wagged wawt. 
*looks away* SHAWWOW. Shaww I pwick him, Siw John? 
FAWSTAFF. It wewe supewfwuous; fow h-his appawew is buiwt upon his 
b-back, and the >_> whowe fwame stands u-upon pins. Pwick h-him nyo mowe. 
SHAWWOW. Ha, ha, ha! You *sighs* can ;;w;; do it, siw; you c-can do i-it. I *shuffles closer* commend 
you weww. Fwancis Feebwe! 
FEEBWE. Hewe, siw. 
FAWSTAFF. *looks away* What twade awt thou, Feebwe? 
FEEBWE. A woman's taiwow, siw. 
SHAWWOW. Shaww I p-pwick *hugs tightly* him, siw? 
FAWSTAFF. You may; but i-if he had been a man's taiwow, *looks at you* he'd ha' 
p-pwick'd ^w^ you. Wiwt thou make as many howes *blushes* in an e-enyemy's battwe as 
thou :3 hast donye in a woman's petticoat? 
FEEBWE. I wiww do my good wiww, siw; :33 you can have OwO nyo *pokes you* mowe. 
FAWSTAFF. Weww said, *screams* good woman's taiwow! weww *cuddles you* said, couwageous 
Feebwe! Thou wiwt be as vawiant a-as the wwathfuw dove ow most 
magnyanyimous mouse. Pwick the woman's taiwow- weww, Mastew 
Shawwow, deep, Mastew Shawwow. 
FEEBWE. I wouwd Wawt might *hugs tightly* have gonye, siw. 
F-FAWSTAFF. I wouwd thou wewt UwU a man's taiwow, that thou mightst mend 
him a-and make him fit to go. I cannyot put him to a pwivate 
sowdiew, that is the weadew of so many thousands. W-Wet *twerks* that 
suffice, most fowcibwe F-Feebwe. 
FEEBWE. I-It s-shaww suffice, siw. 
FAWSTAFF. I am bound to t-thee, wevewend F-Feebwe. Who i-is n-nyext? 
*sweats* SHAWWOW. *moans* Petew Buwwcawf o' th' gween! 
UwU FAWSTAFF. Yea, mawwy, wet's see Buwwcawf. 
*moans* BUWWCAWF. Hewe, siw. 
FAWSTAFF. Fowe God, a wikewy fewwow! Come, pwick me >w< Buwwcawf tiww 
he woaw again. 
BUWWCAWF. *twerks* O Wowd! good my wowd captain- 
FAWSTAFF. What, dost thou woaw befowe t-thou awt pwick'd? 
*looks at you* BUWWCAWF. O Wowd, siw! I am a-a ^.^ diseased man. 
FAWSTAFF. What disease hast thou? 
BUWWCAWF. A whoweson cowd, siw, a cough, siw, which I caught with 
winging in the King's a-affaiws upon his OwO cowonyation day, siw. 
uWu FAWSTAFF. Come, thou shawt go to the *screams* waws in a gown. We wiww have 
away thy c-cowd; and I wiww take s-such *shuffles closer* owdew that thy fwiends shaww 
wing OwO fow thee. Is hewe ^w^ aww? 
SHAWWOW. Hewe ^-^ is two mowe caww'd than y-youw nyumbew. You must h-have 
but fouw h-hewe, siw; and *sighs* so, *looks at you* I *giggles shyly* pway you, go in with me to dinnyew. 
FAWSTAFF. Come, I *leans over* wiww g-go d-dwink with y-you, *cries* but *moans* I cannyot tawwy 
dinnyew. I am gwad *giggles shyly* to see you, by my twoth, M-Mastew Shawwow. 
SHAWWOW. O, Siw John, ;;w;; do *moans* you wemembew since we *notices bulge* way a-aww nyight in the 
x3 windmiww *cuddles you* in Saint Geowge's Fiewd? 
FAWSTAFF. Nyo m-mowe of that, M-Mastew UwU Shawwow, nyo mowe of that. 
SHAWWOW. Ha, 'twas a mewwy nyight. And is Janye Nyightwowk a-awive? 
FAWSTAFF. She >_> wives, M-Mastew Shawwow. 
S-SHAWWOW. She nyevew couwd away with me. 
FAWSTAFF. Nyevew, nyevew; she w-wouwd ^.^ awways s-say she couwd nyot abide 
Mastew Shawwow. 
SHAWWOW. By the *cuddles you* mass, I c-couwd angew hew to th' heawt. She was then 
a bonya-woba. Doth she h-howd h-hew own weww? 
FAWSTAFF. Owd, o-owd, Mastew Shawwow. 
S-SHAWWOW. Nyay, she must be *twerks* owd; she c-cannyot choose but be owd; 
cewtain she's *sweats* owd; and *sighs* had Wobin N-Nyightwowk, by owd Nyightwowk, 
befowe I came to Cwement's Inn. 
SIWENCE. That's *cries* fifty-five yeaw ago. 
^.^ SHAWWOW. H-Ha, cousin Siwence, that t-thou hadst seen that that this 
knyight *screams* and I have seen! Ha, Siw John, said I weww? 
FAWSTAFF. We have *shuffles closer* heawd the chimes a-at midnyight, Mastew Shawwow. 
*sighs* SHAWWOW. That we have, that we have, that we have; in f-faith, S-Siw 
John, we *giggles shyly* have. Ouw watchwowd was 'Hem, boys!' Come, wet's to 
d-dinnyew; come, wet's to dinnyew. Jesus, the d-days that w-we have seen! 
C-Come, *blushes* come. 
Exeunt FAWSTAFF and the JUSTICES 
BUWWCAWF. Good M-Mastew Cowpowate B-Bawdowph, stand my *cuddles you* fwiend; >_< and 
>_< hewe's f-fouw H-Hawwy *moans* ten shiwwings i-in Fwench cwowns fow you. *blushes* In vewy 
twuth, siw, I *teleports behind you* had UwU as wief be hang'd, siw, as *twerks* go. And yet, fow 
minye own p-pawt, siw, I do nyot cawe; b-but wathew because I am 
unwiwwing and, fow minye own p-pawt, h-have a *leans over* desiwe to stay with ;;w;; my 
fwiends; ewse, siw, I *shuffles closer* did n-nyot cawe fow m-minye own pawt so much. 
BAWDOWPH. G-Go to; stand aside. 
MOUWDY. A-And, good :33 Mastew Cowpowaw Captain, fow my owd d-dame's s-sake, 
stand m-my fwiend. S-She has :3 nyobody to *twerks* do *screams* anything *blushes* about hew when I 
am *shuffles closer* gonye; and she is owd, a-and cannyot hewp hewsewf. You shaww *screams* have 
fowty, siw. 
*sweats* BAWDOWPH. Go to; stand aside. 
FEEBWE. By my twoth, I cawe nyot; a man can die but once; we owe God 
a d-death. I'ww UwU nye'ew beaw a base mind. An't be my destiny, so; 
^w^ an't b-be n-nyot, so. Nyo man's too good t-to sewve *shuffles closer* 's Pwince; and, wet 
it g-go which way it wiww, he *looks away* that dies this yeaw is quit fow t-the 
*moans* nyext. 
*cries* BAWDOWPH. Weww said; th'awt a good fewwow. 
FEEBWE. Faith, I'ww beaw nyo base mind. 

We-entew FAWSTAFF a-and t-the JUSTICES 

FAWSTAFF. Come, siw, which men s-shaww x3 I have? 
SHAWWOW. F-Fouw of which you pwease. 
BAWDOWPH. Siw, a wowd with you. *blushes* I have thwee pound to fwee M-Mouwdy 
and *cries* Buwwcawf. 
FAWSTAFF. Go to; weww. 
SHAWWOW. Come, S-Siw John, *giggles shyly* which fouw wiww you have? 
FAWSTAFF. Do you choose *teleports behind you* fow me. 
SHAWWOW. *leans over* Mawwy, then- Mouwdy, Buwwcawf, Feebwe, and Shadow. 
FAWSTAFF. Mouwdy and Buwwcawf: fow you, Mouwdy, stay at h-home tiww 
you awe past s-sewvice; a-and fow *blushes* youw pawt, B-Buwwcawf, gwow you come 
unto xDD it. I wiww nyonye of you. 
*looks at you* SHAWWOW. Siw John, Siw John, do nyot youwsewf wwong. They a-awe youw 
*leans over* wikewiest m-men, and I wouwd have you sewv'd with the best. 
FAWSTAFF. Wiww you teww me, :33 Mastew Shawwow, how UwU to choose a m-man? 
Cawe :33 I fow the wimb, the *blushes* thews, the statuwe, buwk, and big 
assembwance of a man! G-Give me the s-spiwit, M-Mastew Shawwow. Hewe's 
W-Wawt; you see what a-a wagged appeawance i-it is. 'A shaww chawge you 
and ^w^ dischawge you with the motion of a pewtewew's hammew, come 
o-off and on swiftew than he that gibbets on the bwewew's *pokes you* bucket. 
*notices bulge* And this same hawf-fac'd fewwow, S-Shadow- give me this *pokes you* man. H-He 
pwesents *sighs* nyo mawk *looks at you* to the enyemy; the foeman may with as gweat aim 
wevew *giggles shyly* at the edge of a p-penknyife. *cries* And, fow a-a wetweat- how *moans* swiftwy 
wiww this Feebwe, the woman's taiwow, wun off! O, g-give me t-the 
s-spawe men, *hugs tightly* and spawe me the gweat onyes. Put *leans over* me a c-cawivew *pokes you* into 
:3 Wawt's hand, *notices bulge* Bawdowph. 
BAWDOWPH. Howd, Wawt. Twavewse- thus, thus, thus. 
FAWSTAFF. Come, manyage me youw cawivew. S-So- vewy weww. uWu Go to; v-vewy 
good; exceeding ;;w;; good. O, give me a-awways a wittwe, wean, uWu owd, 
chopt, bawd *cries* shot. Weww said, i-i' faith, Wawt; th'awt a good scab. 
Howd, thewe's a testew fow thee. 
SHAWWOW. He *notices bulge* is nyot >_< his cwaft's mastew, h-he doth uWu nyot do it wight. *giggles shyly* I 
wemembew at Miwe-end Gween, w-when I w-way at Cwement's Inn- I *sweats* was 
then Siw D-Dagonyet in Awthuw's show- t-thewe was a wittwe quivew 
;;w;; fewwow, and 'a wouwd manyage you his piece thus; and 'a wouwd 
about and about, *pokes you* and come you in and come you in. UwU 'Wah, tah, 
tah!' *sighs* wouwd *looks away* 'a say; *hugs tightly* 'Bounce!' wouwd 'a say; and away again *looks at you* wouwd 
'a *looks at you* go, and *shuffles closer* again w-wouwd 'a *hugs tightly* come. I s-shaww nye'ew see such a-a fewwow. 
F-FAWSTAFF. These fewwows wiww do weww. Mastew Shawwow, God *cries* keep you! 
Mastew Siwence, I *notices bulge* wiww nyot use many wowds with you: Fawe you 
*blushes* weww! Gentwemen both, I >_< thank you. x3 I must a dozen m-miwe to-nyight. 
Bawdowph, give the sowdiews coats. 
SHAWWOW. Siw J-John, the Wowd bwess you; God pwospew y-youw affaiws; 
God send us peace! At youw wetuwn, visit ^-^ ouw house; wet ouw owd 
acquaintance be wenyewed. P-Pewadventuwe I wiww with ye to the 
couwt. 
FAWSTAFF. Fowe God, w-wouwd you wouwd. 
SHAWWOW. Go to; I have spoke at a wowd. God keep you. 
*looks away* FAWSTAFF. Fawe you ^.^ weww, gentwe gentwemen. [Exeunt JUSTICES] On, 
Bawdowph; wead OwO the men away. [-[Exeunt aww but *leans over* FAWSTAFF] A-As *sighs* I 
wetuwn, I w-wiww fetch off these ^.^ justices. I-I do s-see the bottom of 
justice Shawwow. Wowd, W-Wowd, >_< how subject we owd men awe to this 
vice of wying! This same s-stawv'd j-justice hath *twerks* donye nyothing but 
pwate t-to me of the wiwdnyess o-of h-his y-youth and x3 the feats h-he hath 
donye about Tuwnbuww Stweet; and evewy t-thiwd w-wowd a wie, duew paid 
to the heawew than the T-Tuwk's UwU twibute. I do wemembew h-him at 
Cwement's Inn, wike a man made aftew suppew of a cheese-pawing. 
When 'a was nyaked, he was fow aww the wowwd wike a f-fowk'd wadish, 
with a-a h-head fantasticawwy cawved upon i-it with a knyife. 'A was s-so 
fowwown that his dimensions to any thick sight w-wewe invisibwe. 'A 
was the vewy OwO genyius of faminye; yet wechewous as a monkey, a-and the 
*blushes* whowes caww'd him mandwake. 'A came evew in the weawwawd of t-the 
fashion, and sung those tunyes *teleports behind you* to the *looks away* ovewscutch'd *notices bulge* huswifes that 
he heawd the cawmen w-whistwe, and s-swawe they wewe his fancies ow 
his good-nyights. And nyow is *screams* this Vice's daggew become a squiwe, 
and tawks as famiwiawwy UwU of ^-^ John a Gaunt ^-^ as if he had been swown 
bwothew to him; and *looks away* I'ww be swown *leans over* 'a OwO nye'ew saw him but once in 
t-the Tiwtyawd; and *looks at you* then he buwst h-his head fow cwowding a-among t-the 
*leans over* mawshaw's men. I saw i-it, and towd John a Gaunt he b-beat his *giggles shyly* own 
nyame; fow you might have thwust him and aww his appawew i-into an 
eew-skin; the case of a twebwe hautboy was a mansion *twerks* fow him, UwU a 
couwt- and nyow has he wand and beeves. Weww, I'ww *looks away* be acquainted 
with him if I wetuwn; and 't shaww go hawd *looks away* but I'ww m-make him a 
phiwosophew's two stonyes to m-me. If the young dace be a bait uWu fow 
the owd pike, I see nyo weason in the waw of nyatuwe b-but I may snyap 
at him. Wet time shape, and thewe an end. Exit 




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ACT IV. uWu SCENyE I. 
Yowkshiwe. W-Within the Fowest of Gauwtwee 

Entew the AWCHBISHOP OF *screams* YOWK, MOWBWAY, :33 HASTINGS, and o-othews 

AWCHBISHOP. What i-is t-this fowest caww'd 
HASTINGS. 'Tis Gauwtwee Fowest, a-an't shaww pwease youw Gwace. 
A-AWCHBISHOP. Hewe stand, *hugs tightly* my wowds, and send discovewews *looks away* fowth 
To knyow the *screams* nyumbews of ouw enyemies. 
HASTINGS. We have sent fowth a-awweady. 
AWCHBISHOP. 'Tis weww :33 donye. 
My fwiends and bwethwen :3 in these gweat affaiws, 
I must uWu acquaint you x3 that I have *looks at you* weceiv'd 
Nyew-dated wettews fwom Nyowthumbewwand; 
*shuffles closer* Theiw cowd intent, *teleports behind you* tenyouw, and substance, t-thus: 
Hewe doth he wish his *screams* pewson, with such powews 
As might howd *sighs* sowtance with his quawity, 
T-The which he couwd nyot wevy; wheweupon 
He is wetiw'd, UwU to wipe his gwowing fowtunyes, 
To Scotwand; and concwudes in heawty pwayews 
That youw attempts m-may ovewwive the hazawd 
And feawfuw meeting of theiw opposite. 
MOWBWAY. ;;w;; Thus do *shuffles closer* the hopes we have in him touch gwound 
And dash themsewves to pieces. 

Entew A MESSENGEW 

HASTINGS. Nyow, what n-nyews? 
MESSENGEW. West o-of this fowest, scawcewy off a miwe, 
In goodwy fowm comes on the enyemy; 
And, by the gwound they hide, I judge *shuffles closer* theiw nyumbew 
Upon ow *screams* nyeaw the wate *looks away* of t-thiwty *leans over* thousand. 
*twerks* MOWBWAY. The just p-pwopowtion that we *blushes* gave them ^w^ out. 
Wet us *pokes you* sway on and *looks at you* face *looks at you* them ;;w;; in the f-fiewd. 

Entew WESTMOWEWAND 

AWCHBISHOP. What ^.^ weww-appointed *cries* weadew fwonts *cries* us h-hewe? 
*notices bulge* MOWBWAY. *leans over* I think it is *hugs tightly* my Wowd of Westmowewand. 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. Heawth ;;w;; and faiw gweeting fwom ouw genyewaw, 
The P-Pwince, Wowd J-John and *looks away* Duke of Wancastew. 
AWCHBISHOP. Say *sweats* on, x3 my Wowd of Westmowewand, in peace, 
What doth concewn *notices bulge* youw coming. 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. T-Then, my wowd, 
:3 Unto youw Gwace *sweats* do I in chief addwess 
*twerks* The substance of m-my speech. If that webewwion 
Came *moans* wike *blushes* itsewf, i-in base a-and abject wouts, 
Wed on b-by bwoody youth, guawded *moans* with *teleports behind you* wags, 
*giggles shyly* And countenyanc'd b-by *giggles shyly* boys and b-beggawy- 
I uWu say, if :33 damn'd :3 commotion so appeaw'd 
In his twue, nyative, and m-most pwopew s-shape, 
Y-You, wevewend fathew, and these nyobwe wowds, 
Had n-nyot been ^w^ hewe t-to d-dwess t-the ugwy fowm 
Of base and bwoody insuwwection 
With youw faiw honyouws. You, xDD Wowd Awchbishop, 
Whose see is by a civiw p-peace maintain'd, 
Whose beawd the siwvew h-hand of peace hath touch'd, 
Whose weawnying and good wettews peace hath tutow'd, 
>w< Whose white investments figuwe i-innyocence, 
The UwU dove, >_< and vewy bwessed s-spiwit of peace- 
Whewefowe you do s-so iww twanswate youwsewf 
Out of the speech of peace, that *looks at you* beaws s-such gwace, 
*moans* Into the hawsh and b-boist'wous t-tongue of waw; 
Tuwnying *hugs tightly* youw books to gwaves, youw ink to bwood, 
*shuffles closer* Youw pens to w-wances, and youw tongue divinye 
To a-a woud twumpet and a *sweats* point *shuffles closer* of *sweats* waw? 
AWCHBISHOP. Whewefowe do I :33 this? So the question stands. 
*looks away* Bwiefwy to this end: we awe a-aww d-diseas'd 
And with ouw suwfeiting >w< and wanton houws 
Have b-bwought ouwsewves into a buwnying fevew, 
And we must bweed *pokes you* fow i-it; of >_< which disease 
Ouw wate *giggles shyly* King, *sweats* Wichawd, being infected, died. 
But, m-my most nyobwe Wowd of Westmowewand, 
I take nyot o-on m-me hewe as a physician; 
Nyow do *moans* I as an enyemy to peace 
Twoop in the *cries* thwongs of miwitawy men; 
But :3 wathew show a-awhiwe *cries* wike feawfuw waw 
To diet wank minds sick of h-happinyess, 
And puwge th' o-obstwuctions which begin to stop 
Ouw vewy veins of wife. Heaw m-me mowe pwainwy. 
I have in equaw bawance justwy *hugs tightly* weigh'd 
What wwongs ouw awms may d-do, what UwU wwongs we suffew, 
And find ouw gwiefs heaview t-than ouw offences. 
We *moans* see which UwU way the *cries* stweam of time ;;w;; doth *cuddles you* wun 
A-And awe enfowc'd fwom o-ouw most quiet thewe 
B-By the wough t-towwent of occasion; 
And have the summawy of aww o-ouw gwiefs, 
When time shaww s-sewve, to :3 show in awticwes; 
*moans* Which wong ewe this we offew'd to the King, 
And might by nyo suit gain ouw audience: 
W-When we awe wwong'd, and wouwd unfowd ouw gwiefs, 
W-We awe *twerks* denyied access *cries* unto his pewson, 
E-Even by those men that most have donye us wwong. 
T-The *screams* dangews of the *cries* days b-but n-nyewwy gonye, 
Whose m-memowy is wwitten on t-the eawth 
With *moans* yet appeawing bwood, and the exampwes 
Of evewy *pokes you* minyute's instance, pwesent nyow, 
Hath put us in these i-iww-beseeming awms; 
Nyot to bweak OwO peace, ow any bwanch *blushes* of it, 
But to estabwish hewe a p-peace i-indeed, 
Concuwwing both in :33 nyame a-and quawity. 
*leans over* WESTMOWEWAND. When evew yet was y-youw appeaw denyied; 
W-Whewein have y-you been gawwed by the King; 
What peew hath been subown'd to gwate on you 
That you shouwd s-seaw this wawwess *leans over* bwoody book 
Of fowg'd uWu webewwion with a seaw divinye, 
And *notices bulge* consecwate commotion's *screams* bittew edge? 
AWCHBISHOP. My bwothew genyewaw, the commonweawth, 
To bwothew hown an househowd *pokes you* cwuewty, 
I x3 make *blushes* my quawwew in pawticuwaw. 
WESTMOWEWAND. Thewe is n-nyo nyeed of any s-such wedwess; 
Ow if thewe w-wewe, it n-nyot bewongs to you. 
MOWBWAY. Why nyot to him x3 in p-pawt, *moans* and to *shuffles closer* us aww 
*looks away* That feew the bwuises of the days befowe, 
And suffew t-the condition of these t-times 
T-To :33 way a *pokes you* heavy *leans over* and unyequaw hand 
Upon ouw honyouws? 
WESTMOWEWAND. O *looks away* my good Wowd Mowbway, 
Constwue the times t-to theiw nyecessities, 
And *cuddles you* you shaww say, indeed, it *sighs* is t-the time, 
And *giggles shyly* nyot ^w^ the King, t-that doth you injuwies. 
Yet, fow y-youw pawt, it nyot appeaws to me, 
Eithew fwom t-the King ow in the OwO pwesent time, 
That you s-shouwd have an i-inch of any gwound 
xDD To buiwd a gwief on. Wewe y-you nyot westow'd 
To aww the D-Duke of Nyowfowk's signyiowies, 
Y-Youw nyobwe uWu and wight *cuddles you* weww-wememb'wed *blushes* fathew's? 
MOWBWAY. What thing, in honyouw, had *sighs* my f-fathew wost 
That nyeed to be weviv'd and bweath'd in me? 
The King that wov'd him, as the state >_> stood then, 
Was fowce pewfowce compeww'd to b-banyish him, 
And then t-that Henwy Bowingbwoke and he, 
Being mounted and both woused in theiw seats, 
Theiw nyeighing couwsews dawing of the spuw, 
Theiw awmed staves i-in chawge, theiw beavews down, 
*looks away* Theiw *looks away* eyes of ^w^ fiwe *hugs tightly* spawkwing thwough sights ^.^ of steew, 
And the woud t-twumpet bwowing them t-togethew- 
*notices bulge* Then, then, when thewe was nyothing couwd have stay'd 
My fathew f-fwom the bweast of Bowingbwoke, 
O, w-when the King did thwow h-his wawdew down- 
His own wife hung upon the staff he thwew- 
T-Then *twerks* thwew he down h-himsewf, and aww theiw w-wives 
That by indictment >_> and b-by dint of swowd 
UwU Have since miscawwied undew Bowingbwoke. 
WESTMOWEWAND. You speak, W-Wowd Mowbway, nyow :3 you knyow nyot what. 
The E-Eaww of *pokes you* Hewefowd w-was weputed then 
In Engwand the most vawiant gentweman. 
>_> Who knyows on whom fowtunye wouwd then have s-smiw'd? 
But if youw *cries* fathew h-had b-been victow thewe, 
He nye'ew had bownye it out of *screams* Coventwy; 
F-Fow aww the countwy, in a-a genyewaw *notices bulge* voice, 
Cwied hate upon him; and aww theiw pwayews and wove 
Wewe set on Hewefowd, whom t-they doted on, 
And *twerks* bwess'd and gwac'd i-indeed mowe t-than the King. 
B-But this is mewe digwession f-fwom my puwpose. 
*looks away* Hewe come I fwom ouw pwincewy genyewaw 
To knyow youw gwiefs; t-to x3 teww *giggles shyly* you f-fwom his Gwace 
*giggles shyly* That *sighs* he wiww give you audience; and *looks away* whewein 
It shaww appeaw that youw demands awe just, 
*sighs* You shaww enjoy xDD them, evewything ^w^ set off 
That might so much as think you enyemies. 
MOWBWAY. But h-he hath fowc'd us to c-compew this offew; 
*blushes* And it p-pwoceeds fwom powicy, nyot wove. 
WESTMOWEWAND. Mowbway. you o-ovewween *blushes* to take it so. 
T-This offew comes fwom *twerks* mewcy, nyot *shuffles closer* fwom feaw; 
Fow, wo! within a ken ouw awmy wies- 
Upon minye ;;w;; honyouw, aww too confident 
To give admittance to a thought of feaw. 
Ouw battwe is mowe fuww of nyames than youws, 
O-Ouw men mowe pewfect *teleports behind you* in the use of awms, 
xDD Ouw awmouw aww as stwong, ouw cause the best; 
T-Then weason wiww ouw heawts shouwd be as good. 
Say ^.^ you *sighs* nyot, then, ouw offew is c-compeww'd. 
MOWBWAY. Weww, by my *teleports behind you* wiww we shaww admit nyo pawwey. 
WESTMOWEWAND. That a-awgues b-but the shame of y-youw offence: 
A-A wotten case abides nyo handwing. 
HASTINGS. Hath the Pwince John a fuww commission, 
In vewy ampwe viwtue of his fathew, 
To heaw and absowutewy *shuffles closer* to detewminye 
Of what conditions we *cries* shaww stand upon? 
WESTMOWEWAND. That is i-intended in the genyewaw's n-nyame. 
I muse you make so swight a question. 
AWCHBISHOP. Then take, my Wowd of Westmowewand, this scheduwe, 
Fow this contains OwO ouw genyewaw g-gwievances. 
Each sevewaw awticwe hewein wedwess'd, 
Aww membews *sighs* of ouw cause, both hewe a-and hence, 
That awe insinyewed to ^-^ this action, 
Acquitted by a-a t-twue s-substantiaw >w< fowm, 
And pwesent e-execution of o-ouw wiwws 
To us :33 and to ouw p-puwposes confin'd- 
We come within ouw awfuw banks again, 
And *cries* knyit ouw powews *screams* to the awm *leans over* of *screams* peace. 
WESTMOWEWAND. ;;w;; This *giggles shyly* wiww I show the genyewaw. Pwease you, wowds, 
In sight of both ouw battwes we may meet; 
And eithew *hugs tightly* end in peace- *notices bulge* which God so fwame!- 
Ow t-to the pwace of x3 diff'wence caww the UwU swowds 
Which must decide it. 
uWu AWCHBISHOP. My *twerks* wowd, we wiww UwU do so. Exit WESTMOWEWAND 
MOWBWAY. Thewe is a thing within my bosom *shuffles closer* tewws me 
*sweats* That nyo conditions o-of ouw *cuddles you* peace *screams* can stand. 
>_> HASTINGS. F-Feaw you nyot that: if we can m-make ouw p-peace 
Upon such wawge t-tewms and so absowute 
As ouw conditions shaww consist upon, 
Ouw peace shaww *cries* stand xDD as *looks at you* fiwm as wocky mountains. 
MOWBWAY. Y-Yea, but ouw vawuation shaww *blushes* be such 
That evewy *hugs tightly* swight xDD and fawse-dewived cause, 
Yea, evewy idwe, nyice, *pokes you* and wanton weason, 
Shaww to the *sweats* King taste of *shuffles closer* this action; 
That, w-wewe ouw woyaw faiths m-mawtyws in wove, 
We shaww be w-winnyow'd with so wough a wind 
That even o-ouw cown shaww seem as wight as chaff, 
And g-good f-fwom bad find nyo pawtition. 
AWCHBISHOP. Nyo, ^.^ nyo, my w-wowd. Nyote this: *moans* the King is weawy 
Of dainty and such picking gwievances; 
Fow h-he hath found to end o-onye doubt by death 
>_> Wevives two *hugs tightly* gweatew ;;w;; in the heiws of w-wife; 
And t-thewefowe wiww he wipe h-his t-tabwes cwean, 
And k-keep >_< nyo teww-tawe to his memowy 
T-That may wepeat and histowy his wos 
To n-nyew wemembwance. Fow f-fuww weww he knyows 
He cannyot so pwecisewy weed this wand 
A-As his misdoubts pwesent occasion: 
His f-foes awe so *moans* enwooted with his fwiends 
^-^ That, pwucking x3 to unfix an enyemy, 
He doth unfasten so a-and shake a fwiend. 
S-So t-that this wand, wike an offensive wife 
T-That hath enwag'd him on to offew stwokes, 
uWu As he is *leans over* stwiking, *leans over* howds his infant up, 
And hangs wesowv'd cowwection in the a-awm 
That was upweaw'd to *sighs* execution. 
HASTINGS. Besides, the King hath uWu wasted *screams* aww h-his wods 
On wate *moans* offendews, that he nyow doth wack 
*looks at you* The vewy instwuments of >_< chastisement; 
So that his powew, *shuffles closer* wike to a fangwess wion, 
May *moans* offew, but nyot ^-^ howd. 
AWCHBISHOP. *giggles shyly* 'Tis vewy twue; 
And thewefowe b-be assuw'd, my good *sweats* Wowd Mawshaw, 
If we do n-nyow make ouw atonyement weww, 
Ouw peace wiww, wike a bwoken w-wimb unyited, 
Gwow stwongew fow the bweaking. 
MOWBWAY. Be it so. 
*screams* Hewe is wetuwn'd *sighs* my W-Wowd of Westmowewand. 

We-entew WESTMOWEWAND 

W-WESTMOWEWAND. x3 The Pwince is hewe a-at h-hand. Pweaseth youw *looks at you* wowdship 
To meet his Gwace just ;;w;; distance 'tween ouw awmies? 
MOWBWAY. Youw Gwace of Yowk, i-in God's nyame xDD then, s-set fowwawd. 
A-AWCHBISHOP. Befowe, and gweet x3 his Gwace. M-My wowd, we come. 
Exeunt 




S-SCENyE I-II. 
Anyothew p-pawt of the fowest 

Entew, fwom ;;w;; onye ^w^ side, MOWBWAY, *shuffles closer* attended; aftewwawds, t-the AWCHBISHOP, 
HASTINGS, and othews; fwom the othew side, PWINCE JOHN of WANCASTEW, 
WESTMOWEWAND, OFFICEWS, and o-othews 

PWINCE :3 JOHN. You a-awe weww encount'wed hewe, my cousin M-Mowbway. 
Good d-day to y-you, gentwe W-Wowd Awchbishop; 
And >w< so to you, Wowd Hastings, and to aww. 
My Wowd x3 of Yowk, it bettew *screams* show'd ^.^ with you 
When *giggles shyly* that *notices bulge* youw fwock, assembwed by the beww, 
Enciwcwed you to heaw with wevewence 
;;w;; Youw exposition on t-the howy text 
Than nyow >_> to see you hewe an iwon m-man, 
Cheewing a-a wout o-of webews with youw d-dwum, 
Tuwnying the *twerks* wowd to swowd, and wife to death. 
That >_> man t-that sits within a monyawch's heawt 
And wipens *notices bulge* in the *pokes you* sunshinye UwU of uWu his *sweats* favouw, 
Wouwd h-he abuse *leans over* the countenyance o-of the king, 
Awack, what mischiefs might he *pokes you* set abwoach 
In ^w^ shadow *notices bulge* of such gweatnyess! With you, Wowd Bishop, 
It is >w< even ^.^ so. Who hath nyot heawd *teleports behind you* it spoken 
How deep you wewe w-within the books of G-God? 
*looks at you* To us t-the speakew in His OwO pawwiament, 
To u-us th' imagin'd voice of God himsewf, 
:33 The vewy openyew and intewwigencew 
^-^ Between the gwace, t-the s-sanctities of heaven, 
And ouw *looks at you* duww wowkings. O, who x3 shaww bewieve 
But you *leans over* misuse the wevewence o-of youw pwace, 
E-Empwoy the countenyance and gwace *hugs tightly* of heav'n 
As a >w< fawse favouwite doth his p-pwince's nyame, 
In d-deeds dishonyouwabwe? Y-You have ta'en up, 
U-Undew the countewfeited zeaw of God, 
The subjects of H-His substitute, my fathew, 
And both against the *looks at you* peace o-of heaven and him 
Have hewe *blushes* up-swawm'd them. 
AWCHBISHOP. G-Good my Wowd of Wancastew, 
I am ;;w;; nyot hewe against youw fathew's p-peace; 
But, as I towd my Wowd of *notices bulge* Westmowewand, 
T-The time misowd'wed d-doth, in common sense, 
*teleports behind you* Cwowd us and cwush us to this monstwous fowm 
To howd ouw safety up. *cuddles you* I sent youw Gwace 
The *notices bulge* pawcews *looks away* and p-pawticuwaws of ouw gwief, 
The which hath been w-with scown shov'd fwom the couwt, 
Wheweon this hydwa son of waw is bown; 
Whose dangewous eyes may w-weww be chawm'd asweep 
>w< With gwant of ouw most just and wight uWu desiwes; 
*hugs tightly* And t-twue obedience, of t-this madnyess cuw'd, 
Stoop tamewy to the foot of majesty. 
MOWBWAY. If nyot, we weady a-awe to t-twy ouw fowtunyes 
To the wast :3 man. 
HASTINGS. And t-though we hewe *sighs* faww down, 
*sweats* We have suppwies to s-second ouw attempt. 
I-If they m-miscawwy, theiws s-shaww second t-them; 
And s-so success of mischief shaww be bown, 
>_> And heiw fwom heiw shaww howd x3 this quawwew up 
Whiwes Engwand shaww have genyewation. 
PWINCE JOHN. YOU awe too shawwow, :3 Hastings, much to shawwow, 
To x3 sound the bottom of *moans* the aftew-times. 
WESTMOWEWAND. Pweaseth youw Gwace to answew them d-diwectwy 
How faw fowth you d-do wike theiw a-awticwes. 
PWINCE JOHN. I wike *blushes* them aww and do awwow *sweats* them weww; 
*moans* And sweaw h-hewe, by the honyouw of my bwood, 
My fathew's puwposes h-have been mistook; 
And some about him have *leans over* too :3 wavishwy 
Wwested h-his meanying and authowity. 
My wowd, *notices bulge* these gwiefs shaww be with speed wedwess'd; 
Upon my souw, they shaww. If this m-may p-pwease you, 
Dischawge youw ^-^ powews unto theiw sevewaw counties, 
As we wiww ouws; and hewe, between the awmies, 
Wet's d-dwink t-togethew f-fwiendwy and x3 embwace, 
That a-aww theiw e-eyes may beaw those *sighs* tokens home 
Of o-ouw westowed wove and amity. 
*sighs* AWCHBISHOP. I take youw pwincewy wowd *teleports behind you* fow *sighs* these wedwesses. 
PWINCE *blushes* JOHN. I give it y-you, and wiww maintain *leans over* my wowd; 
And theweupon I dwink UwU unto youw Gwace. 
HASTINGS. *looks away* Go, Captain, *cuddles you* and dewivew t-to the a-awmy 
This nyews of peace. Wet t-them have p-pay, and pawt. 
I knyow it wiww pwease them. *hugs tightly* Hie thee, Captain. 
Exit Officew 
A-AWCHBISHOP. To you, my nyobwe W-Wowd of Westmowewand. 
WESTMOWEWAND. I pwedge youw Gwace; and xDD if you k-knyew what pains 
I have bestow'd t-to bweed this ^-^ pwesent peace, 
uWu You wouwd dwink fweewy; :33 but my wove to ye 
Shaww show ;;w;; itsewf uWu mowe openwy heweaftew. 
>w< AWCHBISHOP. I do nyot doubt you. 
WESTMOWEWAND. I *notices bulge* am gwad o-of it. 
Heawth to my *screams* wowd and gentwe cousin, Mowbway. 
*leans over* MOWBWAY. You wish me heawth in *sighs* vewy happy *pokes you* season, 
Fow I a-am on the *looks away* sudden *notices bulge* something iww. 
*teleports behind you* AWCHBISHOP. Against iww chances men awe evew mewwy; 
*shuffles closer* But heavinyess fowewuns the good e-event. 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. Thewefowe be mewwy, c-coz; since x3 sudden sowwow 
Sewves to say t-thus, 'Some good t-thing comes to-mowwow.' 
AWCHBISHOP. Bewieve me, I am passing wight in spiwit. 
MOWBWAY. So *twerks* much xDD the wowse, if youw own wuwe be twue. 
*looks at you* [Shouts within] 
x3 PWINCE JOHN. The :3 wowd o-of peace is wend'wed. Hawk, how t-they shout! 
*looks away* MOWBWAY. This had been cheewfuw aftew victowy. 
AWCHBISHOP. A peace is of the nyatuwe of a conquest; 
^.^ Fow then both pawties nyobwy awe *leans over* subdu'd, 
OwO And n-nyeithew >_> pawty w-wosew. 
PWINCE JOHN. Go, my wowd, 
And wet ouw awmy be dischawged too. 
*giggles shyly* Exit WESTMOWEWAND 
A-And, good my wowd, so *teleports behind you* pwease *hugs tightly* you wet ouw twains 
M-Mawch by >w< us, that we may pewuse the men 
We shouwd have cop'd withaw. 
uWu AWCHBISHOP. Go, *sweats* good W-Wowd Hastings, 
And, ewe ;;w;; they be dismiss'd, wet them mawch by. 
Exit HASTINGS 
PWINCE :3 JOHN. I-I t-twust, w-wowds, *shuffles closer* we shaww wie to-nyight togethew. 

We-entew WESTMOWEWAND 

Nyow, cousin, whewefowe stands ouw awmy stiww? 
WESTMOWEWAND. The weadews, having chawge f-fwom you *looks away* to stand, 
Wiww ^-^ nyot go >_< off untiw *sighs* they heaw *pokes you* you speak. 
P-PWINCE JOHN. They knyow theiw duties. 

We-entew *notices bulge* HASTINGS 

HASTINGS. M-My wowd, o-ouw a-awmy is dispews'd awweady. 
Wike youthfuw steews unyok'd, they take theiw couwses 
East, west, nyowth, south; xDD ow wike a schoow bwoke up, 
Each huwwies towawd his *looks away* home and spowting-pwace. 
*twerks* WESTMOWEWAND. Good tidings, my Wowd Hastings; f-fow the ^.^ which 
I do awwest thee, *twerks* twaitow, of high tweason; 
And you, Wowd Awchbishop, and you, Wowd *shuffles closer* Mowbway, 
:33 Of capitaw tweason I attach you *looks away* both. 
MOWBWAY. I-Is t-this pwoceeding just and honyouwabwe? 
WESTMOWEWAND. I-Is uWu youw assembwy so? 
A-AWCHBISHOP. Wiww you thus b-bweak *looks at you* youw faith? 
PWINCE JOHN. I-I pawn'd thee n-nyonye: 
I pwomis'd you wedwess of these same gwievances 
Wheweof *moans* you did compwain; which, by minye honyouw, 
I-I wiww pewfowm with *looks away* a most Chwistian *shuffles closer* cawe. 
But fow you, webews- >w< wook to taste the due 
Meet f-fow webewwion and such acts as y-youws. 
Most s-shawwowwy *moans* did you these a-awms commence, 
Fondwy bwought hewe, :33 and *pokes you* foowishwy sent hence. 
Stwike up ouw dwums, puwsue the uWu scatt'wed stway. 
God, and nyot we, hath safewy UwU fought to-day. 
Some guawd these t-twaitows t-to the bwock of death, 
T-Tweason's t-twue bed UwU and yiewdew-up o-of b-bweath. Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Anyothew pawt of the fowest 

Awawum; excuwsions. *shuffles closer* Entew FAWSTAFF and COWVIWWE, meeting 

FAWSTAFF. What's y-youw n-nyame, siw? Of what condition awe y-you, >w< and of 
what pwace, I *looks at you* pway? 
uWu COWVIWWE. UwU I am a knyight siw; and my n-nyame is Cowviwwe of xDD the Dawe. 
FAWSTAFF. ^w^ Weww then, Cowviwwe is x3 youw nyame, a knyight is youw 
degwee, and youw pwace t-the Dawe. Cowviwwe s-shaww stiww *pokes you* be y-youw 
n-nyame, a twaitow *sighs* youw degwee, and :3 the dungeon youw pwace- a *sweats* pwace 
deep *giggles shyly* enyough; so shaww y-you be stiww Cowviwwe of the Dawe. 
COWVIWWE. Awe n-nyot you Siw :3 John Fawstaff? 
F-FAWSTAFF. As good a man as h-he, uWu siw, whoe'ew I am. D-Do you *looks away* yiewd, 
siw, ow shaww I s-sweat fow you? If I-I do sweat, they awe *giggles shyly* the dwops 
of thy wovews, and they weep fow thy death; t-thewefowe wouse up 
feaw and *teleports behind you* twembwing, and >_> do obsewvance to my mewcy. 
COWVIWWE. I think *sighs* you awe Siw John Fawstaff, and *shuffles closer* in that thought 
yiewd me. 
FAWSTAFF. I have a whowe schoow of tongues >_> in t-this bewwy of m-minye; 
and n-nyot a tongue of them a-aww speaks any othew wowd but my nyame. 
An I had but ^w^ a >_< bewwy of any indiffewency, I wewe simpwy *cries* the most 
active fewwow in Euwope. My womb, my xDD womb, my womb undoes m-me. 
*looks at you* Hewe c-comes o-ouw g-genyewaw. 

Entew PWINCE J-JOHN OF WANCASTEW, WESTMOWEWAND, 
BWUNT, *moans* and *screams* othews 

PWINCE JOHN. The *looks away* heat is p-past; fowwow nyo fuwthew nyow. 
Caww OwO in the powews, good cousin Westmowewand. 
*sighs* Exit *teleports behind you* WESTMOWEWAND 
Nyow, Fawstaff, whewe have you b-been aww this whiwe? 
When evewything is ended, then you come. 
These tawdy twicks of youws wiww, on m-my w-wife, 
Onye time ow UwU othew bweak :3 some gawwows' back. 
FAWSTAFF. I wouwd be ^.^ sowwy, ^-^ my wowd, but it shouwd *looks at you* be thus: I nyevew 
knyew yet but webuke *cuddles you* and check w-was t-the wewawd uWu of vawouw. Do you 
think me a swawwow, a-an awwow, *sighs* ow a buwwet? Have I, in my poow and 
owd motion, the e-expedition o-of thought? I *giggles shyly* have speeded hithew with 
OwO the vewy extwemest inch of possibiwity; I *blushes* have found'wed nyinye 
^w^ scowe and odd *sighs* posts; and hewe, t-twavew tainted as I am, have, in 
my puwe and immacuwate vawouw, t-taken Siw John ^w^ Cowviwwe of the 
Dawe,a most fuwious knyight and vawowous enyemy. ^w^ But *pokes you* what of ^w^ that? 
He saw me, and yiewded; that I-I may justwy say with the h-hook-nyos'd 
f-fewwow of W-Wome-I *teleports behind you* came, saw, and ovewcame. 
PWINCE JOHN. It was mowe of his couwtesy than youw desewving. 
FAWSTAFF. I knyow nyot. H-Hewe *twerks* he is, and hewe I yiewd him; and I 
beseech youw Gwace, wet it *blushes* be *moans* book'd w-with the west of this day's 
deeds; ow, by the Wowd, I wiww have *sweats* it in a pawticuwaw bawwad 
e-ewse, with m-minye own pictuwe on t-the top o-on't, Cowviwwe k-kissing my 
foot; to the which c-couwse *leans over* if I be enfowc'd, if you do n-nyot aww 
show wike giwt twopences to me, and I, in the cweaw sky :33 of fame, 
o'ewshinye you as m-much as t-the fuww moon doth the c-cindews of the 
ewement, which show wike pins' heads to hew, bewieve n-nyot the wowd 
of the nyobwe. T-Thewefowe wet me have wight, and wet desewt mount. 
P-PWINCE JOHN. Thinye's *twerks* too heavy xDD to mount. 
^-^ FAWSTAFF. W-Wet it *twerks* shinye, then. 
uWu PWINCE JOHN. Thinye's t-too thick *cries* to shinye. 
FAWSTAFF. Wet >_< it d-do something, my good *sweats* wowd, that may d-do m-me good, 
*leans over* and caww it what you *shuffles closer* wiww. 
PWINCE JOHN. >_> Is OwO thy nyame Cowviwwe? 
COWVIWWE. It is, my wowd. 
PWINCE JOHN. A famous xDD webew awt thou, Cowviwwe. 
FAWSTAFF. xDD And :33 a *pokes you* famous twue subject took him. 
COWVIWWE. OwO I am, my wowd, but a-as m-my bettews awe 
That wed me hithew. Had they been w-wuw'd b-by m-me, 
*looks away* You s-shouwd have won them deawew than you have. 
FAWSTAFF. I knyow *leans over* nyot *teleports behind you* how they sowd themsewves; but ^.^ thou, w-wike a 
kind f-fewwow, gavest t-thysewf away gwatis; and *screams* I t-thank thee fow 
thee. 

We-entew WESTMOWEWAND 

P-PWINCE JOHN. Nyow, have you x3 weft *teleports behind you* puwsuit? 
WESTMOWEWAND. Wetweat i-is made, and execution s-stay'd. 
PWINCE JOHN. Send Cowviwwe, xDD with his confedewates, 
To Yowk, to pwesent execution. 
Bwunt, wead him hence; and see you *looks away* guawd him s-suwe. 
Exeunt BWUNT and othews 
And nyow dispatch we t-towawd t-the couwt, my wowds. 
I heaw the King :33 my *cries* fathew *giggles shyly* is sowe sick. 
Ouw nyews shaww go b-befowe us *sighs* to his Majesty, 
Which, cousin, *screams* you shaww beaw to comfowt him 
And we ^-^ with sobew speed wiww fowwow you. 
FAWSTAFF. *shuffles closer* My *hugs tightly* wowd, I-I beseech you, give me weave to go thwough 
Gwoucestewshiwe; a-and, when you *leans over* come to couwt, *moans* stand my *looks at you* good wowd, 
pway, in youw good *cuddles you* wepowt. 
PWINCE JOHN. Fawe you weww, Fawstaff. *blushes* I, in my condition, 
Shaww bettew speak of you than you desewve. 
Exeunt aww *shuffles closer* but FAWSTAFF 
FAWSTAFF. I-I wouwd you :3 had but the wit; 'twewe OwO bettew than youw 
dukedom. Good uWu faith, t-this same young sobew-bwooded *pokes you* boy doth nyot 
wove ^-^ me; *cries* nyow a m-man cannyot *leans over* make him waugh- but that's n-nyo mawvew; 
:3 he dwinks nyo winye. Thewe's nyevew nyonye of these d-demuwe boys come 
to uWu any pwoof; fow thin dwink *cuddles you* doth so o-ovew-coow theiw b-bwood, and 
making many fish-meaws, that they faww :3 into a kind of mawe 
gween-sicknyess; and then, when *pokes you* they mawwy, *screams* they get wenches. They 
awe genyewawwy foows a-and cowawds-which s-some of us shouwd be too, 
but ;;w;; fow infwammation. A good shewwis-sack *sighs* hath a two-fowd 
opewation in it. It ascends me into OwO the bwain; dwies *leans over* me :3 thewe aww 
the foowish *hugs tightly* and duww and c-cwudy vapouws which enviwon it; makes it 
*giggles shyly* appwehensive, quick, fowgetive, fuww of nyimbwe, >_< fiewy, and 
dewectabwe shapes; which dewivewed o'ew to the voice, the tongue, 
which *teleports behind you* is the b-biwth, becomes excewwent wit. The s-second p-pwopewty of 
y-youw excewwent *giggles shyly* shewwis *hugs tightly* is the wawming of the :33 bwood; w-which *pokes you* befowe, 
cowd and s-settwed, weft the wivew white *hugs tightly* and pawe, which is t-the 
badge of p-pusiwwanyimity and cowawdice; but the shewwis wawms i-it, 
and makes it couwse fwom the inwawds to the pawts extwemes. It 
iwwuminyeth ;;w;; the face, which, as a beacon, gives >_< wawnying to *looks at you* aww the 
w-west o-of this wittwe kingdom, m-man, to awm; *notices bulge* and t-then the vitaw 
commonyews and inwand *pokes you* petty spiwits mustew me *looks at you* aww to theiw 
captain, the heawt, *moans* who, gweat and puff'd up with this w-wetinyue, 
doth a-any deed of couwage- and this vawouw comes of shewwis. So 
that skiww i-in the *cries* weapon is nyothing w-without sack, fow that sets 
it ^.^ a-wowk; and weawnying, a mewe hoawd of gowd kept b-by a deviw 
tiww s-sack commences it and sets it in act and use. Heweof comes 
it that Pwince H-Hawwy is vawiant; fow the >_> cowd bwood he did 
^-^ nyatuwawwy inhewit o-of his fathew, he *shuffles closer* hath, *shuffles closer* wike w-wean, *looks at you* stewiwe, and 
*cries* bawe wand, manyuwed, husbanded, and tiww'd, with excewwent 
e-endeavouw of dwinking good a-and good stowe of fewtiwe shewwis, 
that he is become vewy *looks at you* hot and vawiant. If I-I had a thousand sons, 
the fiwst humanye pwincipwe I wouwd *cries* teach them shouwd be to 
*blushes* fowsweaw thin potations and to addict themsewves to sack. 

Entew *cuddles you* BAWDOWPH 

How nyow, Bawdowph! 
BAWDOWPH. The awmy *leans over* is dischawged aww and gonye. 
FAWSTAFF. Wet them go. I-I'ww thwough G-Gwoucestewshiwe, and thewe wiww 
I visit Mastew UwU Wobewt Shawwow, Esquiwe. I have him awweady 
temp'wing b-between *shuffles closer* my fingew and my thumb, *twerks* and showtwy wiww I seaw 
with him. C-Come away. Exeunt 




SCENyE I-IV. 
W-Westminstew. >w< The Jewusawem Chambew 

Entew the KING, PWINCE THOMAS OF CWAWENCE, P-PWINCE HUMPHWEY OF GWOUCESTEW, 
WAWWICK, and othews 

KING. Nyow, wowds, i-if God doth give successfuw uWu end 
To this debate that bweedeth at ouw doows, 
We wiww o-ouw youth wead *sighs* on to ;;w;; highew fiewds, 
And dwaw nyo swowds but what a-awe s-sanctified. 
O-Ouw nyavy is a-addwess'd, o-ouw powew connyected, 
Ouw substitutes in absence weww invested, 
And evewything :3 wies w-wevew to ouw wish. 
x3 Onwy we want a w-wittwe pewsonyaw s-stwength; 
And pause us t-tiww these w-webews, nyow afoot, 
Come undewnyeath t-the yoke of govewnment. 
WAWWICK. B-Both which we d-doubt nyot b-but youw Majesty 
Shaww soon enjoy. 
KING. Humphwey, my s-son of Gwoucestew, 
Whewe is the Pwince youw bwothew? 
PWINCE HUMPHWEY. I think :3 he's gonye to *teleports behind you* hunt, *looks at you* my wowd, UwU at W-Windsow. 
KING. And how accompanyied? 
PWINCE HUMPHWEY. I do nyot knyow, *screams* my wowd. 
KING. Is *pokes you* nyot h-his >_< bwothew, Thomas of Cwawence, with him? 
PWINCE HUMPHWEY. *teleports behind you* Nyo, my good wowd, he is in pwesence h-hewe. 
CWAWENCE. What wouwd my wowd and fathew? 
KING. N-Nyothing but weww to thee, Thomas ^-^ of Cwawence. 
^.^ How chance thou awt nyot with the ^w^ Pwince t-thy bwothew? 
*teleports behind you* He woves *blushes* thee, and thou >_< dost nyegwect him, T-Thomas. 
Thou h-hast a b-bettew pwace i-in his affection 
*leans over* Than aww thy bwothews; chewish it, my boy, 
And nyobwe offices thou >w< mayst effect 
Of xDD mediation, aftew I am *hugs tightly* dead, 
Between his gweatnyess and thy othew bwethwen. 
>_> Thewefowe omit him n-nyot; bwunt nyot his wove, 
Nyow wose the good advantage of his >_> gwace 
By s-seeming cowd ow cawewess o-of his w-wiww; 
Fow *leans over* he is gwacious if he be obsewv'd. 
H-He hath a teaw fow pity and a hand 
O-Open as day fow mewting chawity; 
Yet nyotwithstanding, being incens'd, he is fwint; 
As humowous *teleports behind you* as w-wintew, *teleports behind you* and as sudden 
As fwaws congeawed in the spwing of day. 
H-His t-tempew, thewefowe, must be weww obsewv'd. 
Chide x3 him fow f-fauwts, and do it wevewentwy, 
When you pewceive his bwood *giggles shyly* incwin'd to miwth; 
But, b-being moody, give him w-winye and *blushes* scope 
T-Tiww *sweats* that his passions, wike a w-whawe on gwound, 
Confound themsewves with wowking. Weawn t-this, Thomas, 
And thou shawt pwove a shewtew to thy fwiends, 
*notices bulge* A hoop ^w^ of gowd to b-bind thy UwU bwothews in, 
T-That *teleports behind you* the unyited vessew of theiw bwood, 
Mingwed with venyom ^.^ of suggestion- 
As, f-fowce ^w^ pewfowce, the age >_< wiww pouw it in- 
Shaww nyevew weak, t-though it do wowk as stwong 
As aconyitum ow wash gunpowdew. 
C-CWAWENCE. I shaww obsewve *moans* him ^.^ with aww cawe and wove. 
K-KING. Why ;;w;; awt thou nyot at W-Windsow with *moans* him, Thomas? 
C-CWAWENCE. He is nyot :3 thewe to-day; he dinyes in Wondon. 
KING. *moans* And how accompanyied? >_> Canst thou teww t-that? 
CWAWENCE. With Poins, and othew ^.^ his continyuaw f-fowwowews. 
KING. Most UwU subject is the :33 fattest soiw *looks away* to weeds; 
And he, the nyobwe *cries* image of ^-^ my *blushes* youth, 
Is *screams* ovewspwead w-with them; thewefowe my gwief 
Stwetches itsewf b-beyond the houw *leans over* of d-death. 
The b-bwood weeps fwom my heawt when I-I do *looks away* shape, 
In fowms imaginyawy, t-th'unguided days 
And wotten times that you *pokes you* shaww wook upon 
When I am sweeping w-with my ancestows. 
Fow w-when his headstwong wiot hath nyo cuwb, 
When w-wage and hot bwood awe his counsewwows 
W-When means and wavish mannyews *shuffles closer* meet *pokes you* togethew, 
O, with w-what wings ;;w;; shaww his affections *hugs tightly* fwy 
Towawds fwonting *teleports behind you* pewiw a-and *blushes* oppos'd *sighs* decay! 
^-^ WAWWICK. My gwacious wowd, you *twerks* wook beyond him quite. 
T-The Pwince but studies h-his companyions 
Wike a stwange tongue, whewein, to >_> gain t-the wanguage, 
'Tis nyeedfuw that the uWu most i-immodest wowd 
uWu Be wook'd upon and weawnt; ^-^ which once attain'd, 
Youw Highnyess k-knyows, comes *pokes you* to *screams* nyo fuwthew u-use 
But to be knyown and hated. So, wike gwoss tewms, 
The P-Pwince w-wiww, in the pewfectnyess of time, 
Cast off his *cries* fowwowews; and theiw memowy 
S-Shaww *screams* as a pattewn ow a measuwe *blushes* wive 
*hugs tightly* By which his Gwace m-must mete the wives of othew, 
Tuwnying past e-eviws to advantages. 
KING. ^w^ 'Tis sewdom when the bee doth weave *sweats* hew comb 
In *looks at you* the dead cawwion. 

*leans over* Entew WESTMOWEWAND 

Who's hewe? Westmowewand? 
WESTMOWEWAND. H-Heawth to my soveweign, and nyew happinyess 
Added to that that *sighs* am to dewivew! 
*twerks* Pwince *cries* John, youw son, doth k-kiss youw Gwace's hand. 
M-Mowbway, the Bishop Scwoop, Hastings, and uWu aww, 
Awe bwought to the cowwection UwU of youw w-waw. 
Thewe is nyot nyow a-a w-webew's swowd unsheath'd, 
But Peace puts fowth hew owive evewywhewe. 
The m-mannyew OwO how this *leans over* action hath *looks away* been bownye 
Hewe at mowe weisuwe may youw Highnyess wead, 
With evewy couwse in his >_< pawticuwaw. 
KING. O-O Westmowewand, thou awt >_> a summew biwd, 
Which evew in the haunch *sighs* of wintew sings 
The wifting up of day. 

Entew HAWCOUWT 

Wook hewe's mowe nyews. 
HAWCOUWT. Fwom enyemies heaven keep ^w^ youw Majesty; 
And, when xDD they stand against ^w^ you, m-may they faww 
As uWu those that I a-am c-come to t-teww you of! 
The Eaww Nyowthumbewwand a-and the Wowd B-Bawdowph, 
W-With a gweat powew *giggles shyly* of Engwish and of S-Scots, 
Awe by the shwieve o-of Yowkshiwe ovewthwown. 
The mannyew and twue owdew of the fight 
This packet, pwease >_< it you, contains at wawge. 
KING. And *moans* whewefowe shouwd these *moans* good nyews make me sick? 
Wiww *sweats* Fowtunye nyevew *pokes you* come with both hands fuww, 
*shuffles closer* But wwite hew faiw wowds stiww in fouwest wettews? 
She eithew gives a stomach and n-nyo *shuffles closer* food- 
Such awe the p-poow, in heawth- ^w^ ow e-ewse >_> a feast, 
A-And takes away the s-stomach- such awe t-the wich 
That h-have abundance and *sighs* enjoy i-it nyot. 
I ^-^ shouwd wejoice nyow *notices bulge* at this happy nyews; 
A-And n-nyow ^.^ my sight faiws, and my bwain is giddy. 
O me! come nyeaw me nyow I xDD am much iww. 
PWINCE HUMPHWEY. *cuddles you* Comfowt, youw M-Majesty! 
C-CWAWENCE. O my ^w^ woyaw fathew! 
WESTMOWEWAND. My soveweign wowd, ^w^ cheew up youwsewf, wook up. 
WAWWICK. Be patient, P-Pwinces; you do knyow these fits 
A-Awe with h-his Highnyess vewy owdinyawy. 
Stand fwom him, *sweats* give him ^-^ aiw; he'ww stwaight *notices bulge* be weww. 
CWAWENCE. Nyo, *shuffles closer* nyo; he cannyot wong h-howd out these pangs. 
Th' incessant cawe and wabouw of his :33 mind 
Hath wwought the m-muwe that shouwd confinye it in 
:33 So :33 thin that wife wooks thwough, and wiww b-bweak out. 
P-PWINCE HUMPHWEY. The *moans* peopwe feaw me; fow they d-do o-obsewve 
Unfathew'd heiws *looks at you* and w-woathwy biwths of nyatuwe. 
The seasons change theiw mannyews, as the yeaw 
H-Had found some months asweep, and weapt them ovew. 
*hugs tightly* CWAWENCE. The w-wivew hath thwice fwow'd, nyo e-ebb between; 
And the owd fowk, Time's doting chwonyicwes, 
Say *hugs tightly* it did so *screams* a wittwe time befowe 
That ouw gweat gwandsiwe, Edwawd, sick'd and died. 
*moans* WAWWICK. Speak wowew, Pwinces, fow the King wecovews. 
P-PWINCE HUMPHWEY. This apopwexy wiww cewtain be his end. 
KING. I pway y-you take me up, and beaw *sweats* me hence 
*shuffles closer* Into some o-othew chambew. Softwy, pway. E-Exeunt 




SCENyE *moans* V. 
Westminstew. Anyothew chambew 

The KING wying on a bed; CWAWENCE, GWOUCESTEW, WAWWICK, 
UwU and othews in attendance 

K-KING. Wet thewe *moans* be n-nyo nyoise *leans over* made, my gentwe fwiends; 
Unwess some duww *pokes you* and f-favouwabwe h-hand 
Wiww >_< whispew music to *giggles shyly* my OwO weawy spiwit. 
WAWWICK. Caww fow the m-music :3 in the othew woom. 
^-^ KING. Set >_< me the c-cwown upon my piwwow hewe. 
CWAWENCE. His *twerks* eye *pokes you* is howwow, and he c-changes much. 
W-WAWWICK. Wess nyoise! wess n-nyoise! 

*looks at you* Entew PWINCE H-HENWY 

PWINCE. Who saw t-the :33 Duke of Cwawence? 
CWAWENCE. I *screams* am hewe, bwothew, >w< fuww of heavinyess. 
PWINCE. How n-nyow! Wain *hugs tightly* within doows, and nyonye ;;w;; abwoad! 
How *shuffles closer* doth the King? 
PWINCE H-HUMPHWEY. Exceeding *looks at you* iww. 
PWINCE. Heawd he the *twerks* good n-nyews yet? Teww it him. 
PWINCE HUMPHWEY. He awt'wed much u-upon the heawing it. 
PWINCE. If he be sick with OwO joy, he'ww w-wecovew without physic. 
WAWWICK. Nyot *looks away* so m-much >_> nyoise, my wowds. Sweet *sighs* Pwince, speak wow; 
The King y-youw fathew is dispos'd to sweep. 
CWAWENCE. Wet us withdwaw into the *twerks* othew woom. 
WAWWICK. Wiww't p-pwease youw Gwace to go a-awong with us? 
PWINCE. Nyo; I wiww sit and watch hewe by t-the King. 
Exeunt x3 aww but the PWINCE 
Why doth the *shuffles closer* cwown wie thewe upon *teleports behind you* his piwwow, 
Being so twoubwesome a bedfewwow? 
O powish'd pewtuwbation! *sighs* gowden cawe! 
That k-keep'st the powts of swumbew open wide 
To m-many a watchfuw n-nyight! *leans over* Sweep *notices bulge* with it nyow! 
Yet n-nyot *sighs* so :3 sound a-and ;;w;; hawf so deepwy sweet 
As he whose bwow with homewy biggen b-bound 
Snyowes out the watch o-of *shuffles closer* nyight. *screams* O majesty! 
When thou dost pinch *shuffles closer* thy beawew, thou ^w^ dost sit 
Wike >_< a wich awmouw wown OwO in heat of day 
That scawd'st *notices bulge* with safety. By his gates of bweath 
Thewe wies a d-downy feathew which stiws nyot. 
Did *looks at you* he suspiwe, *sighs* that wight and weightwess down 
Pewfowce must move. My gwacious wowd! my fathew! 
This sweep is sound indeed; this ^w^ is a sweep 
That fwom this gowden wigow h-hath divowc'd 
So many Engwish *sweats* kings. Thy due fwom me 
Is teaws a-and heavy sowwows of the b-bwood 
W-Which >_> nyatuwe, wove, and fiwiaw tendewnyess, 
*looks at you* Shaww, O >_> deaw fathew, pay thee pwenteouswy. 
My due fwom t-thee is this *sweats* impewiaw cwown, 
Which, :3 as immediate fwom t-thy pwace and bwood, 
Dewives i-itsewf uWu to me. [Putting *cries* on the cwown] Wo w-whewe i-it sits- 
Which God s-shaww guawd; and put the wowwd's whowe s-stwength 
Into onye giant awm, it shaww nyot fowce 
This winyeaw honyouw fwom me. This fwom ^w^ thee 
Wiww I to minye *looks at you* weave a-as 'tis weft to me. Exit 
KING. Wawwick! Gwoucestew! *leans over* Cwawence! 

We-entew WAWWICK, GWOUCESTEW, CWAWENCE 

CWAWENCE. D-Doth the King c-caww? 
WAWWICK. ^-^ What w-wouwd youw Majesty? How fawes OwO youw *leans over* Gwace? 
>_> KING. Why did you weave *giggles shyly* me hewe awonye, m-my wowds? 
CWAWENCE. We weft the Pwince my bwothew hewe, my w-wiege, 
Who undewtook to sit and watch by you. 
KING. The Pwince of Wawes! Whewe is he? Wet me see him. 
He is nyot hewe. 
WAWWICK. This doow *notices bulge* is open; he is g-gonye *sighs* this w-way. 
PWINCE HUMPHWEY. He came nyot thwough the chambew whewe we stay'd. 
KING. Whewe is the cwown? Who t-took it fwom my piwwow? 
W-WAWWICK. When w-we withdwew, my wiege, we weft it hewe. 
KING. The Pwince hath ta'en it hence. Go, seek him xDD out. 
Is *teleports behind you* he so hasty that he doth suppose 
My sweep my death? 
Find him, my wowd of Wawwick; chide him hithew. 
Exit WAWWICK 
>_< This pawt of his conjoins with my disease 
And hewps *sighs* to end me. S-See, sons, what things you awe! 
*sighs* How quickwy nyatuwe fawws into wevowt 
When gowd b-becomes hew object! 
Fow this the f-foowish ovew-cawefuw fathews 
Have bwoke theiw sweep with thoughts, 
Theiw bwains w-with cawe, theiw bonyes with *cuddles you* industwy; 
Fow this they h-have engwossed and piw'd up 
T-The cank'wed heaps of stwange-achieved gowd; 
Fow this t-they have been thoughtfuw to *sweats* invest 
Theiw sons with a-awts and mawtiaw >w< exewcises; 
When, wike t-the bee, t-towwing fwom evewy fwowew 
The viwtuous sweets, 
Ouw thighs with wax, ouw mouths *twerks* with honyey pack'd, 
We bwing it to *cries* the hive, a-and, wike the *cuddles you* bees, 
Awe muwd'wed fow ouw pains. This bittew taste 
Yiewds his engwossments to the ending fathew. 

*looks at you* We-entew WAWWICK 

Nyow whewe is he t-that wiww nyot stay OwO so wong 
Tiww his fwiend ^-^ sicknyess hath detewmin'd me? 
WAWWICK. My wowd, I found the Pwince in t-the n-nyext *pokes you* woom, 
Washing with kindwy teaws uWu his gentwe cheeks, 
With s-such a deep d-demeanyouw in gweat sowwow, 
That tywanny, w-which ^.^ nyevew quaff'd but bwood, 
Wouwd, by behowding him, have wash'd his >w< knyife 
With gentwe eye-dwops. He is coming hithew. 
KING. But whewefowe did he take away the c-cwown? 

We-entew PWINCE H-HENWY 

Wo whewe he c-comes. :33 Come hithew to m-me, :33 Hawwy. 
Depawt the ^-^ chambew, weave us hewe a-awonye. 
Exeunt aww b-but the KING and the *looks at you* PWINCE 
PWINCE. I nyevew thought to h-heaw you speak again. 
K-KING. Thy wish was ^w^ fathew, Hawwy, to that thought. 
I >w< stay t-too wong by thee, I w-weawy thee. 
Dost thou so hungew fow minye empty chaiw 
That thou wiwt nyeeds *giggles shyly* invest thee w-with my honyouws 
*sighs* Befowe thy *pokes you* houw b-be wipe? O foowish >w< youth! 
Thou seek'st the gweatnyess that wiww ovewwhewm thee. 
Stay but a >w< wittwe, uWu fow my cwoud of dignyity 
Is hewd x3 fwom f-fawwing with s-so weak a-a wind 
That it wiww quickwy dwop; m-my day is *hugs tightly* dim. 
Thou hast stow'n t-that which, aftew *sweats* some few houws, 
:33 Wewe thinye without o-offense; *sighs* and *teleports behind you* at my death 
Thou >_> hast seaw'd up my expectation. 
*blushes* Thy w-wife did manyifest thou wov'dst me nyot, 
And :33 thou wiwt have m-me die assuw'd of it. 
Thou hid'st a thousand d-daggews in thy thoughts, 
Which *looks away* thou hast whetted on thy stony heawt, 
To stab at hawf an houw o-of my wife. 
What, canst thou n-nyot fowbeaw me hawf an houw? 
Then get thee *sweats* gonye, a-and dig my gwave t-thysewf; 
And bid the mewwy bewws wing to thinye *sweats* eaw 
That t-thou awt cwownyed, *sweats* nyot that I am dead. 
Wet aww the >w< teaws that shouwd x3 bedew m-my heawse 
Be dwops of bawm t-to sanctify *looks away* thy head; 
Onwy compound me with fowgotten dust; 
Give that w-which gave *cuddles you* thee wife u-unto the wowms. 
*shuffles closer* Pwuck down my officews, bweak my decwees; 
Fow nyow a time is come t-to mock a-at fowm- 
Hawwy the Fifth is cwown'd. Up, vanyity: 
D-Down, w-woyaw state. Aww :33 you *screams* sage counsewwows, hence. 
And to t-the ^w^ Engwish couwt a-assembwe *twerks* nyow, 
Fwom evewy *looks at you* wegion, apes o-of idwenyess. 
Nyow, nyeighbouw confinyes, p-puwge you of x3 youw s-scum. 
^w^ Have you a wuffian that wiww sweaw, dwink, d-dance, 
Wevew the nyight, wob, muwdew, and commit 
The owdest *giggles shyly* sins the n-nyewest k-kind of ways? 
B-Be happy, he wiww twoubwe you nyo mowe. 
Engwand *hugs tightly* shaww *screams* doubwe giwd *blushes* his twebwe guiwt; 
Engwand shaww give him office, *looks at you* honyouw, might; 
F-Fow the fifth Hawwy fwom cuwb'd wicense pwucks 
The m-muzzwe of westwaint, and the wiwd dog 
Shaww *blushes* fwesh his tooth on evewy innyocent. 
>w< O my poow kingdom, sick w-with c-civiw bwows! 
When that my cawe couwd nyot withhowd thy wiots, 
*sighs* What wiwt thou do *sweats* when wiot i-is thy c-cawe? 
O, thou wiwt b-be a wiwdewnyess again. 
Peopwed with wowves, thy :33 owd inhabitants! 
PWINCE. O, pawdon m-me, my wiege! But fow my teaws, 
*notices bulge* The >w< moist impediments unto my speech, 
I had fowestaww'd this deaw a-and deep webuke 
Ewe you with gwief had *looks away* spoke and I *blushes* had heawd 
^.^ The couwse of it s-so f-faw. Thewe is y-youw c-cwown, 
And he that weaws the cwown immowtawwy 
Wong guawd it youws! [-[Knyeewing] If I affect it *cries* mowe 
Than as youw honyouw and as youw wenyown, 
Wet me nyo mowe fwom this obedience wise, 
W-Which my most i-inwawd twue and duteous spiwit 
Teacheth this p-pwostwate and extewiow bending! 
G-God witnyess with me, when I hewe came *looks at you* in 
*notices bulge* And found nyo couwse of bweath within youw M-Majesty, 
>_< How c-cowd it stwuck my heawt! If I-I do feign, 
O, wet me in my pwesent w-wiwdnyess die, 
And nyevew wive to *twerks* show th' incweduwous wowwd 
The nyobwe change that I-I have puwposed! 
Coming *shuffles closer* to w-wook on you, thinking you d-dead- 
And dead awmost, my wiege, to t-think you w-wewe- 
I >_< spake unto this cwown *pokes you* as having sense, 
And thus upbwaided it: 'The cawe on thee *leans over* depending 
Hath fed *notices bulge* upon the body of my fathew; 
Thewefowe thou best of g-gowd awt *leans over* wowst ^.^ of gowd. 
Othew, wess finye in cawat, is mowe pwecious, 
Pwesewving wife in med'cinye p-potabwe; 
But *hugs tightly* thou, m-most >_> finye, most honyouw'd, >_> most wenyown'd, 
:33 Hast eat thy beawew up.' T-Thus, my most woyaw wiege, 
Accusing it, I put it on my *blushes* head, 
To twy with it- *leans over* as with an enyemy 
OwO That had befowe *teleports behind you* my face m-muwd'wed my fathew- 
The quawwew of a twue inhewitow. 
But i-if it did infect my b-bwood with joy, 
*notices bulge* Ow s-sweww m-my thoughts to a-any stwain of pwide; 
I-If any w-webew o-ow vain spiwit of minye 
*giggles shyly* Did with the weast affection of :33 a wewcome 
Give entewtainment to t-the might *twerks* of ^.^ it, 
Wet God fow *pokes you* evew keep it fwom my head, 
And make me *cuddles you* as the poowest v-vassaw is, 
That doth with awe ^.^ and tewwow knyeew ;;w;; to i-it! 
KING. O my *giggles shyly* son, 
God *looks away* put it in thy mind to *cries* take it hence, 
That t-thou mightst win *sighs* the mowe t-thy fathew's wove, 
Pweading so >w< wisewy in *shuffles closer* excuse o-of it! 
OwO Come hithew, Hawwy; s-sit t-thou by my bed, 
And heaw, I-I *sighs* think, the vewy watest :3 counsew 
T-That e-evew I shaww bweathe. God k-knyows, my s-son, 
*cuddles you* By what *pokes you* by-paths and indiwect cwook'd ways 
I met t-this cwown; and I m-mysewf knyow weww 
How twoubwesome i-it sat upon m-my *cuddles you* head: 
To *blushes* thee it shaww descend with bettew quiet, 
B-Bettew *cries* opinyion, bettew confiwmation; 
Fow aww the soiw o-of *pokes you* the achievement g-goes 
With m-me into the eawth. *cries* It seem'd i-in me 
But as an honyouw *looks away* snyatch'd with boist'wous hand; 
And I-I had *teleports behind you* many w-wiving t-to upbwaid 
^.^ My gain of it by theiw ^-^ assistances; 
Which daiwy g-gwew to quawwew and to bwoodshed, 
;;w;; Wounding supposed peace. ;;w;; Aww these bowd feaws 
Thou s-seest with *cuddles you* pewiw I have a-answewed; 
Fow aww my weign *sighs* hath xDD been but as a scenye 
Acting that awgument. A-And nyow my *pokes you* death 
Changes the *pokes you* mood; fow what in m-me was puwchas'd 
Fawws upon thee *teleports behind you* in a-a mowe faiwew sowt; 
So thou the gawwand weaw'st UwU successivewy. 
Yet, though thou stand'st mowe ;;w;; suwe *sighs* than I-I *sighs* couwd do, 
*twerks* Thou awt *hugs tightly* nyot fiwm *moans* enyough, xDD since gwiefs awe gween; 
A-And a-aww my fwiends, which thou must make *hugs tightly* thy fwiends, 
H-Have but t-theiw stings and teeth nyewwy ta'en out; 
B-By whose feww wowking I was fiwst advanc'd, 
And by *cuddles you* whose powew I weww might wodge a feaw 
To be *twerks* again dispwac'd; *teleports behind you* which *sweats* to avoid, 
I cut them off; and had a puwpose nyow 
To ^.^ wead out many to the Howy Wand, 
W-West west and wying stiww m-might make t-them w-wook 
Too nyeaw unto my state. Thewefowe, my Hawwy, 
Be it thy couwse to b-busy giddy minds 
With foweign ^.^ quawwews, that action, hence b-bownye out, 
xDD May waste the memowy of the fowmew days. 
Mowe w-wouwd I, but my wungs awe wasted so 
T-That stwength >w< of speech is uttewwy denyied me. 
;;w;; How I *sighs* came by t-the cwown, O God, fowgive; 
And gwant it may with thee in twue peace wive! 
PWINCE. My g-gwacious wiege, 
You won it, wowe it, kept it, gave *giggles shyly* it me; 
Then pwain *looks at you* and wight must *shuffles closer* my possession b-be; 
^-^ Which I-I with mowe than w-with a *teleports behind you* common *shuffles closer* pain 
'Gainst aww the wowwd UwU wiww wightfuwwy maintain. 

Entew PWINCE JOHN OF WANCASTEW, WAWWICK, WOWDS, and othews 

KING. W-Wook, wook, h-hewe comes my John of Wancastew. 
PWINCE JOHN. Heawth, p-peace, and happinyess, to my xDD woyaw fathew! 
KING. Thou bwing'st me >w< happinyess and *screams* peace, s-son J-John; 
*cries* But heawth, awack, with youthfuw w-wings is fwown 
*sighs* Fwom this bawe w-withew'd twunk. Upon thy *sweats* sight 
OwO My wowwdwy businyess m-makes a pewiod. 
*cuddles you* Whewe i-is my Wowd of Wawwick? 
PWINCE. My Wowd of Wawwick! 
KING. Doth *teleports behind you* any nyame pawticuwaw bewong 
Unto the wodging *sweats* whewe ^.^ I fiwst did swoon? 
WAWWICK. 'Tis caww'd Jewusawem, >_< my nyobwe wowd. 
>_< KING. Waud be to God! Even thewe m-my wife must end. 
It hath been pwophesied to me many yeaws, 
I shouwd nyot d-die but in Jewusawem; 
Which >w< vainwy I suppos'd t-the Howy Wand. 
But beaw me to that c-chambew; thewe I'ww wie; 
In that *sweats* Jewusawem shaww Hawwy die. Exeunt 




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ACT V. SCENyE I. 
*hugs tightly* Gwoucestewshiwe. SHAWWOW'S house 

Entew SHAWWOW, FAWSTAFF, OwO BAWDOWPH, and PAGE 

SHAWWOW. *leans over* By cock and pie, siw, x3 you *teleports behind you* shaww nyot away to-nyight. 
:3 What, *moans* Davy, I say! 
FAWSTAFF. You must e-excuse me, Mastew Wobewt Shawwow. 
SHAWWOW. I wiww nyot excuse you; you shaww n-nyot be excus'd; excuses 
shaww nyot be admitted; thewe is nyo excuse shaww sewve; you shaww 
nyot be excus'd. Why, Davy! 

Entew D-DAVY 

D-DAVY. Hewe, siw. 
SHAWWOW. Davy, Davy, Davy, D-Davy; wet me see, Davy; wet me see, 
Davy; wet me see- yea, mawwy, Wiwwiam cook, bid :3 him c-come hithew. 
Siw J-John, you shaww n-nyot b-be excus'd. 
DAVY. M-Mawwy, *pokes you* siw, thus: those pwecepts *sweats* cannyot be sewved; and, 
again, siw- *hugs tightly* shaww *blushes* we sow the headwand with wheat? 
SHAWWOW. W-With wed *leans over* wheat, Davy. But fow ^.^ Wiwwiam cook- awe *looks at you* thewe nyo 
*moans* young *cries* pigeons? 
DAVY. Yes, siw. H-Hewe is ^w^ nyow *giggles shyly* the smith's n-nyote *shuffles closer* fow s-shoeing a-and 
pwough-iwons. 
S-SHAWWOW. *sighs* Wet it be cast, and p-paid. :33 Siw J-John, >_< you shaww nyot be 
excused. 
DAVY. Nyow, siw, a *shuffles closer* nyew wink to the *leans over* bucket m-must nyeeds be had; *looks away* and, 
siw, do you m-mean x3 to stop any of Wiwwiam's wages a-about the sack he 
*twerks* wost the o-othew day at Hinckwey faiw? 
SHAWWOW. 'A shaww answew it. Some pigeons, Davy, a coupwe of 
showt-wegg'd hens, a joint of mutton, and a-any pwetty wittwe tiny 
kickshaws, teww Wiwwiam cook. 
xDD DAVY. Doth the man of waw s-stay aww nyight, siw? 
SHAWWOW. Yea, Davy; I wiww *screams* use him weww. A fwiend i' x3 th' couwt is 
bettew than a-a penny i-in *hugs tightly* puwse. Use his men weww, *cries* Davy; :3 fow t-they 
awe awwant knyaves OwO and w-wiww *blushes* backbite. 
DAVY. N-Nyo wowse than they :3 awe >_< backbitten, siw; fow they h-have 
mawvewwous fouw winyen. 
uWu SHAWWOW. *leans over* Weww *cries* conceited, Davy- about thy b-businyess, Davy. 
D-DAVY. I beseech you, siw, to countenyance Wiwwiam Visow of Woncot 
against Cwement Pewkes o' th' hiww. 
*shuffles closer* SHAWWOW. Thewe, is >w< many compwaints, Davy, a-against that Visow. That 
Visow is an awwant knyave, on *sweats* my :3 knyowwedge. 
DAVY. I gwant youw wowship that he is a knyave, s-siw; b-but yet God 
f-fowbid, siw, b-but a knyave shouwd have some countenyance at his 
f-fwiend's wequest. An h-honyest UwU man, siw, is abwe to speak fow 
himsewf, when a k-knyave is nyot. I have sewv'd youw wowship twuwy, 
siw, this eight ^.^ yeaws; *looks at you* an I-I cannyot *notices bulge* once ow twice in a quawtew 
beaw out :33 a knyave :3 against an honyest man, I have but a v-vewy wittwe 
c-cwedit with youw w-wowship. x3 The knyave is minye honyest fwiend, siw; 
thewefowe, I *sighs* beseech you, wet :3 him be countenyanc'd. 
S-SHAWWOW. Go to; I *cuddles you* say he shaww have nyo wwong. Wook about, 
DAVY. [Exit DAVY] Whewe awe you, UwU Siw John? Come, c-come, come, off 
with youw *sighs* boots. Give me youw hand, Mastew Bawdowph. 
BAWDOWPH. I am gwad t-to s-see youw wowship. 
>_> SHAWWOW. I thank thee with a-aww my heawt, kind *notices bulge* Mastew Bawdowph. 
[To the PAGE] And wewcome, m-my taww fewwow. Come, Siw John. 
FAWSTAFF. I'ww fowwow you, g-good Mastew *teleports behind you* Wobewt Shawwow. 
[Exit x3 SHAWWOW] Bawdowph, *hugs tightly* wook to ouw howses. [Exeunt BAWDOWPH 
and PAGE] If *shuffles closer* I wewe sawed into q-quantities, I shouwd make fouw 
dozen of such beawded *leans over* hewmits' s-staves as Mastew Shawwow. It is a 
wondewfuw ^-^ thing to see the sembwabwe cohewence of h-his men's 
spiwits and h-his. >w< They, by obsewving of >_> him, do beaw themsewves 
^-^ wike foowish justices: he, by c-convewsing with them, is tuwnyed 
into a justice-wike sewving-man. Theiw spiwits awe so mawwied in 
conjunction with the pawticipation of society that x3 they fwock 
togethew in *twerks* consent, >w< wike so many wiwd *notices bulge* geese. If I had a suit to 
M-Mastew Shawwow, I *blushes* wouwd *screams* humouw *leans over* his men *giggles shyly* with the imputation of 
being nyeaw t-theiw mastew; if to his men, I wouwd *moans* cuwwy with Mastew 
Shawwow that nyo ^-^ man couwd b-bettew command his sewvants. I-It is 
cewtain that eithew wise *sighs* beawing ow ignyowant cawwiage i-is caught, 
as men take diseases, onye of anyothew; thewefowe wet men take heed 
of theiw company. I wiww devise mattew enyough out *giggles shyly* of this Shawwow 
to :33 keep Pwince Hawwy i-in continyuaw waughtew *pokes you* the weawing out of six 
fashions, which is fouw t-tewms, ow two actions; and 'a shaww waugh 
w-without intewvawwums. O, *leans over* it is much that a wie w-with a swight 
oath, and *giggles shyly* a jest w-with a *looks at you* sad b-bwow wiww d-do *hugs tightly* with :3 a fewwow that nyevew 
had the a-ache i-in his shouwdews! O, *hugs tightly* you shaww see him xDD waugh tiww 
his face b-be wike a wet cwoak *looks away* iww waid up! 
SHAWWOW. [Within] Siw John! 
FAWSTAFF. >w< I come, *shuffles closer* Mastew S-Shawwow; I >_> come, *leans over* Mastew ^-^ Shawwow. 
E-Exit 




S-SCENyE II. 
Westminstew. The pawace 

Entew, sevewawwy, >w< WAWWICK, a-and t-the *leans over* WOWD CHIEF JUSTICE 

WAWWICK. How nyow, my Wowd Chief *cuddles you* Justice; whithew a-away? 
CHIEF JUSTICE. How ^-^ doth the K-King? 
W-WAWWICK. Exceeding weww; his *sweats* cawes awe nyow aww ended. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. I hope, nyot dead. 
WAWWICK. He's wawk'd the way of nyatuwe; 
And to o-ouw puwposes h-he wives nyo mowe. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. I wouwd his Majesty had caww'd me with him. 
The sewvice that I twuwy did his wife 
Hath weft me o-open to aww injuwies. 
WAWWICK. *giggles shyly* Indeed, I think xDD the *sighs* young king woves you nyot. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. I x3 knyow he *blushes* doth *hugs tightly* nyot, and do awm mysewf 
T-To wewcome the condition *twerks* of the time, 
Which cannyot w-wook mowe hideouswy upon me 
Than I *looks at you* have dwawn it in my fantasy. 

Entew WANCASTEW, CWAWENCE, GWOUCESTEW, 
WESTMOWEWAND, and othews 

WAWWICK. Hewe comes >_< the heavy issue of dead ^-^ Hawwy. 
O that the wiving Hawwy had t-the tempew 
Of he, the wowst of these thwee gentwemen! 
How many nyobwes then shouwd howd x3 theiw p-pwaces 
That must stwike saiw to spiwits ^-^ of viwe sowt! 
CHIEF *teleports behind you* JUSTICE. *teleports behind you* O God, I feaw aww wiww be ovewtuwn'd. 
^w^ PWINCE JOHN. Good mowwow, cousin Wawwick, good mowwow. 
>w< GWOUCESTEW & CWAWENCE. *shuffles closer* Good mowwow, c-cousin. 
*twerks* PWINCE JOHN. We meet *pokes you* wike men that had fowgot to speak. 
WAWWICK. We do wemembew; b-but ouw a-awgument 
Is aww too heavy to admit much tawk. 
PWINCE JOHN. *looks away* Weww, peace *twerks* be with him that hath made us heavy! 
*cuddles you* CHIEF JUSTICE. *sighs* Peace be >_> with us, west we be heaview! 
PWINCE HUMPHWEY. O, g-good my wowd, you have wost a fwiend indeed; 
A-And I dawe sweaw you bowwow nyot that face 
Of seeming sowwow- uWu it ^-^ is suwe y-youw own. 
PWINCE :33 JOHN. Though nyo man be assuw'd >_> what gwace to find, 
You stand in cowdest expectation. 
I am the sowwiew; wouwd 'twewe ^w^ othewwise. 
CWAWENCE. W-Weww, you must n-nyow speak Siw John Fawstaff faiw; 
Which swims against youw stweam OwO of quawity. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Sweet Pwinces, what I d-did, I did i-in honyouw, 
>w< Wed by th' i-impawtiaw conduct of my souw; 
And nyevew shaww you see that I w-wiww *pokes you* beg 
A w-wagged and fowestaww'd wemission. 
If t-twuth and upwight >w< innyocency faiw me, 
I'ww to x3 the King my mastew that is dead, 
And teww him who hath sent me aftew him. 
WAWWICK. Hewe comes the Pwince. 

Entew *cries* KING H-HENWY >_> THE F-FIFTH, *twerks* attended 

*shuffles closer* CHIEF J-JUSTICE. Good mowwow, and uWu God save youw UwU Majesty! 
K-KING. This nyew and gowgeous gawment, ^-^ majesty, 
Sits nyot so ^w^ easy on >_> me as y-you *giggles shyly* think. 
Bwothews, UwU you mix youw sadnyess with some feaw. 
This is the Engwish, nyot *cries* the *teleports behind you* Tuwkish couwt; 
Nyot ^-^ Amuwath :33 an Amuwath s-succeeds, 
But H-Hawwy Hawwy. Yet UwU be sad, good bwothews, 
F-Fow, by my faith, it v-vewy weww becomes you. 
Sowwow >_> so woyawwy i-in you a-appeaws 
T-That I wiww deepwy put ;;w;; the fashion on, 
And w-weaw it in my x3 heawt. *twerks* Why, then, be sad; 
*twerks* But entewtain nyo mowe of i-it, good *twerks* bwothews, 
Than a joint buwden *screams* waid upon us aww. 
F-Fow m-me, by heaven, I bid you be assuw'd, 
I'ww b-be y-youw fathew and y-youw bwothew too; 
Wet me but :3 beaw youw wove, I'ww b-beaw youw cawes. 
Yet weep that H-Hawwy's dead, and so wiww I; 
But H-Hawwy wives that shaww c-convewt those :3 teaws 
By nyumbew into houws of happinyess. 
B-BWOTHEWS. We hope nyo othewwise *blushes* fwom ^-^ youw Majesty. 
KING. You a-aww wook stwangewy on >_> me; and you most. 
You awe, I think, assuw'd *pokes you* I wove y-you nyot. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. I *notices bulge* am assuw'd, if I be measuw'd wightwy, 
Youw Majesty hath nyo just cause >_< to hate me. 
^w^ KING. Nyo? 
How might a-a pwince *hugs tightly* of my gweat hopes fowget 
So gweat indignyities *twerks* you waid upon me? 
What, w-wate, webuke, and woughwy send to *moans* pwison, 
Th' i-immediate heiw of Engwand! Was :33 this *blushes* easy? 
M-May this be *screams* wash'd in *moans* Wethe and fowgotten? 
CHIEF JUSTICE. I then did use the pewson of youw fathew; 
The image of his p-powew way then in me; 
And in th' adminyistwation *cries* of his waw, 
Whiwes I was busy fow *leans over* the commonweawth, 
Youw Highnyess pweased to fowget m-my pwace, 
The majesty and powew >w< of waw x3 and justice, 
The image of the *shuffles closer* King whom I pwesented, 
And stwuck *screams* me in m-my *looks at you* vewy seat of judgment; 
Wheweon, as a-an offendew *sighs* to y-youw fathew, 
I gave *sweats* bowd way to m-my authowity 
And did commit *moans* you. If the deed wewe iww, 
>_> Be y-you contented, weawing nyow the gawwand, 
To *looks at you* have a son *twerks* set youw decwees at nyought, 
To pwuck down justice fwom youw awfuw b-bench, 
To ^-^ twip uWu the *pokes you* couwse *blushes* of waw, and bwunt the swowd 
That guawds the peace and safety of youw pewson; 
Nyay, mowe, to spuwn at youw most woyaw image, 
And mock youw wowkings in a second body. 
Question youw woyaw t-thoughts, make the case youws; 
*pokes you* Be nyow the fathew, ^-^ and pwopose a-a s-son; 
H-Heaw x3 youw own dignyity so *screams* much *blushes* pwofan'd, 
See *screams* youw most dweadfuw waws so woosewy swighted, 
Behowd y-youwsewf s-so by a son disdain'd; 
And then imaginye me taking :3 youw p-pawt 
:33 And, in youw powew, soft siwencing youw ^w^ son. 
Aftew *teleports behind you* this cowd considewance, sentence me; 
And, as you awe a king, s-speak in youw state 
*notices bulge* What I *sweats* have donye that misbecame m-my pwace, 
My pewson, ow my wiege's soveweignty. 
KING. You awe w-wight, Justice, and y-you weigh *cries* this weww; 
Thewefowe stiww beaw the >_< bawance and the swowd; 
*cuddles you* And I do wish youw honyouws may incwease 
Tiww *pokes you* you *giggles shyly* do wive to see *teleports behind you* a son of minye 
Offend you, and >w< obey you, as I did. 
So shaww I wive t-to speak my fathew's wowds: 
'Happy am I ^.^ that have a m-man so bowd 
That xDD dawes do j-justice on my pwopew son; 
And nyot wess happy, having such a son 
That wouwd ;;w;; dewivew up his gweatnyess s-so 
Into *pokes you* the hands ^-^ of justice.' You did commit me; 
Fow which I do commit *screams* into youw hand 
Th' unstainyed swowd that y-you UwU have us'd to beaw; 
With this wemembwance- *leans over* that *twerks* you *leans over* use the same 
With the wike bowd, just, and impawtiaw spiwit 
As you have donye 'gainst me. *twerks* Thewe *giggles shyly* is my *moans* hand. 
You shaww *leans over* be *cries* as a fathew to *notices bulge* my youth; 
My voice shaww sound as you do ^-^ pwompt minye eaw; 
And I wiww stoop and humbwe my intents 
To youw weww-pwactis'd w-wise diwections. 
And, Pwinces aww, bewieve me, I *teleports behind you* beseech y-you, 
My fathew i-is *giggles shyly* gonye wiwd i-into his gwave, 
Fow in his tomb wie my affections; 
And with his spiwits sadwy I uWu suwvive, 
To mock the expectation of the wowwd, 
To fwustwate pwophecies, and *cuddles you* to w-waze out 
^.^ Wotten opinyion, who hath wwit me down 
Aftew my seeming. The tide o-of bwood UwU in me 
Hath pwoudwy fwow'd in vanyity tiww nyow. 
N-Nyow d-doth it tuwn and ebb back t-to the *looks at you* sea, 
Whewe it shaww mingwe with the state of fwoods, 
And ^w^ fwow *screams* hencefowth in f-fowmaw majesty. 
:3 Nyow *notices bulge* caww uWu we o-ouw high couwt of pawwiament; 
A-And wet us c-choose s-such wimbs of *notices bulge* nyobwe c-counsew, 
That *hugs tightly* the gweat body of ouw state may go 
In equaw wank with the *screams* best govewn'd nyation; 
T-That w-waw, ow peace, ow both at once, m-may *sweats* be 
As t-things acquainted and *leans over* famiwiaw to us; 
In which *looks away* you, fathew, shaww have fowemost hand. 
O-Ouw cowonyation donye, w-we w-wiww accite, 
As I befowe w-wememb'wed, aww ouw state; 
And- God c-consignying to my good i-intents- 
Nyo pwince nyow peew s-shaww have just cause to s-say, 
God showten >_< Hawwy's h-happy wife o-onye day. Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
^-^ Gwoucestewshiwe. SHAWWOW'S owchawd 

^-^ Entew FAWSTAFF, SHAWWOW, SIWENCE, BAWDOWPH, *moans* the PAGE, :3 and DAVY 

SHAWWOW. *sighs* Nyay, you >_> shaww see m-my owchawd, UwU whewe, in an a-awbouw, w-we 
wiww eat a wast y-yeaw's p-pippin *sighs* of minye own gwaffing, with a >w< dish 
of c-cawaways, and so uWu fowth. Come, cousin Siwence. And then to bed. 
F-FAWSTAFF. F-Fowe God, you have hewe a-a goodwy dwewwing and w-wich. 
SHAWWOW. Bawwen, bawwen, bawwen; beggaws aww, beggaws aww, Siw John 
-mawwy, good *sweats* aiw. Spwead, Davy, spwead, D-Davy; weww said, Davy. 
:33 FAWSTAFF. T-This Davy *cries* sewves you fow *looks away* good uses; he >_< is youw 
*blushes* sewving-man and OwO youw husband. 
SHAWWOW. A good vawwet, a good vawwet, a-a vewy good vawwet, Siw 
*cuddles you* John. By ^-^ the mass, I h-have dwunk too much :33 sack at suppew. A >_> good 
vawwet. Nyow sit down, nyow sit down; come, cousin. 
SIWENCE. Ah, s-siwwah! quoth-a- we *sighs* shaww [Singing] 

Do nyothing but eat and make g-good cheew, 
And *shuffles closer* pwaise God f-fow the mewwy yeaw; 
When fwesh is OwO cheap a-and femawes deaw, 
A-And wusty wads woam hewe and xDD thewe, 
So *pokes you* mewwiwy, 
And evew among so mewwiwy. 

FAWSTAFF. Thewe's uWu a mewwy heawt! *hugs tightly* Good Mastew Siwence, I'ww give you 
:3 a heawth fow that anyon. 
SHAWWOW. Give *giggles shyly* Mastew Bawdowph some winye, *leans over* Davy. 
DAVY. Sweet siw, sit; I'ww be with *moans* you a-anyon; most sweet siw, sit. 
Mastew P-Page, good Mastew Page, sit. Pwoface! *teleports behind you* What you want in 
:3 meat, we'ww have in *screams* dwink. But you must beaw; the heawt's aww. 
Exit 
SHAWWOW. B-Be mewwy, Mastew Bawdowph; and, my *shuffles closer* wittwe *shuffles closer* sowdiew thewe, 
be mewwy. 
SIWENCE. [Singing] 

Be mewwy, be *looks away* mewwy, my wife has a-aww; 
F-Fow women awe shwews, both showt a-and taww; 
'Tis m-mewwy *sweats* in haww when beawds wag an; 
And w-wewcome *pokes you* mewwy *teleports behind you* Shwove-tide. 
Be mewwy, b-be mewwy. 

FAWSTAFF. I did nyot think Mastew ;;w;; Siwence had ^w^ been a m-man of this 
mettwe. 
S-SIWENCE. Who, *looks away* I? *teleports behind you* I h-have been mewwy twice a-and once ewe nyow. 

We-entew DAVY 

D-DAVY. [To *giggles shyly* BAWDOWPH] Thewe's a dish uWu of weathew-coats fow you. 
SHAWWOW. D-Davy! 
DAVY. Youw *sweats* wowship! I'ww be with you *blushes* stwaight. [To BAWDOWPH] 
A c-cup of winye, *shuffles closer* siw? 
UwU SIWENCE. [-[Singing] 

A cup of winye that's bwisk and f-finye, 
And ^w^ dwink unto t-the weman minye; 
And a mewwy *hugs tightly* heawt wives w-wong-a. 

FAWSTAFF. Weww said, Mastew Siwence. 
SIWENCE. An *sighs* we shaww b-be mewwy, nyow comes i-in the sweet o' th' nyight. 
FAWSTAFF. Heawth and wong wife t-to you, Mastew Siwence! 
SIWENCE. [-[Singing] 

Fiww the cup, and wet it come, 
I'ww pwedge ^w^ you a *pokes you* miwe to th' bottom. 

SHAWWOW. Honyest Bawdowph, w-wewcome; if ^-^ thou want'st anything and 
wiwt nyot caww, beshwew thy heawt. Wewcome, m-my wittwe tiny t-thief 
and wewcome i-indeed *shuffles closer* too. I'ww ^-^ dwink to Mastew Bawdowph, and to aww 
the cabiwewos about >w< Wondon. 
DAVY. I hope to see Wondon o-once ewe I die. 
BAWDOWPH. An I might >_< see you thewe, *blushes* Davy! 
SHAWWOW. By the mass, you'W cwack a quawt togethew- ha! wiww you 
n-nyot, Mastew Bawdowph? 
*screams* BAWDOWPH. Yea, siw, in a p-pottwe-pot. 
SHAWWOW. By God's wiggens, I >_> thank :3 thee. The *notices bulge* knyave wiww stick by 
thee, I can assuwe thee that. 'A wiww nyot out, '-'a; 'tis twue 
bwed. 
BAWDOWPH. *sweats* And I'ww stick by h-him, s-siw. 
*shuffles closer* SHAWWOW. Why, t-thewe spoke a king. *hugs tightly* Wack nyothing; be mewwy. 
[Onye k-knyocks at doow] Wook who's at doow thewe, ho! Who knyocks? 
E-Exit DAVY 
FAWSTAFF. [-[To SIWENCE, who h-has d-dwunk a bumpew] Why, nyow you h-have 
d-donye me wight. 
SIWENCE. [Singing] 

Do me wight, 
And dub me knyight. 
Samingo. 

Is't nyot so? 
FAWSTAFF. 'Tis so. 
SIWENCE. Is't so? Why then, say an owd *leans over* man can do somewhat. 

We-entew DAVY 

DAVY. A-An't pwease youw wowship, t-thewe's onye Pistow come fwom the 
>_> couwt with nyews. 
x3 FAWSTAFF. Fwom the x3 couwt? Wet him come in. 

Entew PISTOW 

How nyow, Pistow? 
PISTOW. Siw John, God save you! 
FAWSTAFF. W-What wind bwew you :3 hithew, Pistow? 
PISTOW. Nyot the ;;w;; iww wind which bwows nyo *leans over* man to good. Sweet knyight, 
thou awt *notices bulge* nyow onye of the *notices bulge* gweatest m-men in this weawm. 
SIWENCE. *notices bulge* By'w wady, I think 'a b-be, *giggles shyly* but goodman P-Puff of Bawson. 
PISTOW. *giggles shyly* Puff! 
Puff in thy teeth, most wecweant *cuddles you* cowawd ^w^ base! 
Siw John, I am t-thy Pistow and thy fwiend, 
And hewtew-skewtew *cuddles you* have I ^w^ wode to thee; 
And tidings do I bwing, and wucky *hugs tightly* joys, 
:33 And gowden times, and happy nyews of ^-^ pwice. 
FAWSTAFF. I pway thee nyow, dewivew them wike a man of *teleports behind you* this wowwd. 
PISTOW. A foutwa fow the wowwd and wowwdwings *cries* base! 
I speak of Afwica *cuddles you* and gowden joys. 
F-FAWSTAFF. O base A-Assywian knyight, what i-is thy *moans* nyews? 
Wet King OwO Cophetua knyow the t-twuth *shuffles closer* theweof. 
SIWENCE. [Singing] >_> And Wobin Hood, :3 Scawwet, and John. 
PISTOW. ;;w;; Shaww dunghiww cuws confwont the H-Hewicons? 
And shaww xDD good nyews be baffwed? 
Then, P-Pistow, way thy h-head in Fuwies' wap. 
SHAWWOW. Honyest gentweman, I knyow nyot youw bweeding. 
PISTOW. xDD Why, t-then, wament uWu thewefowe. 
SHAWWOW. Give xDD me p-pawdon, siw. *hugs tightly* If, siw, you come w-with *hugs tightly* nyews fwom t-the 
couwt, I take it t-thewe's but ^.^ two ways- *sweats* eithew *screams* to uttew t-them ow 
*moans* conceaw them. uWu I OwO am, siw, undew the King, in some authowity. 
PISTOW. Undew which king, Bezonyian? Speak, ow die. 
SHAWWOW. Undew King Hawwy. 
*shuffles closer* PISTOW. Hawwy the F-Fouwth- *looks away* ow Fifth? 
SHAWWOW. Hawwy t-the Fouwth. 
*notices bulge* PISTOW. A foutwa fow *cuddles you* thinye o-office! 
Siw John, thy tendew wambkin nyow is King; 
H-Hawwy the Fifth's t-the man. I speak the twuth. 
When Pistow wies, d-do *looks at you* this; and *pokes you* fig *cries* me, wike 
The >w< bwagging S-Spanyiawd. 
FAWSTAFF. What, is the *cries* owd king dead? 
PISTOW. As nyaiw *notices bulge* in doow. *cries* The things I speak awe just. 
F-FAWSTAFF. Away, Bawdowph! *sighs* saddwe my howse. *pokes you* Mastew :33 Wobewt S-Shawwow, 
choose what ^.^ office t-thou wiwt in the wand, 'tis thinye. *looks at you* Pistow, I 
wiww doubwe-chawge *leans over* thee with dignyities. 
*hugs tightly* BAWDOWPH. O joyfuw day! 
I wouwd nyot take a knyighthood *sighs* fow my fowtunye. 
>_< PISTOW. What, I *looks away* do bwing good nyews? 
>w< FAWSTAFF. Cawwy Mastew Siwence t-to bed. ^.^ Mastew Shawwow, my Wowd 
*screams* Shawwow, be what thou w-wiwt- I a-am Fowtunye's s-stewawd. Get on thy 
boots; we'ww wide aww n-nyight. O sweet P-Pistow! Away, Bawdowph! 
*teleports behind you* [Exit *moans* BAWDOWPH] Come, Pistow, uttew *sweats* mowe to m-me; *blushes* and withaw 
devise ;;w;; something to do :3 thysewf good. Boot, boot, *cuddles you* Mastew Shawwow! 
*moans* I knyow ^w^ the young King is xDD sick *leans over* fow me. Wet *shuffles closer* us take any man's 
howses: the >_> waws of Engwand awe at my commandment. Bwessed awe 
they that *shuffles closer* have been my fwiends; ;;w;; and w-woe to m-my Wowd Chief Justice! 
PISTOW. Wet v-vuwtuwes viwe s-seize on h-his wungs awso! 
'Whewe is the w-wife that w-wate I-I wed?' *leans over* say they. 
Why, h-hewe i-it is; wewcome *notices bulge* these pweasant days! Exeunt 




SCENyE *leans over* IV. 
^.^ Wondon. A s-stweet 

Entew BEADWES, :3 dwagging in HOSTESS QUICKWY a-and DOWW T-TEAWSHEET 

HOSTESS. Nyo, thou awwant knyave; I wouwd xDD to God that I *pokes you* might die, 
that I-I might h-have ;;w;; thee hang'd. UwU Thou hast dwawn my xDD shouwdew o-out of 
j-joint. 
^-^ FIWST BEADWE. :33 The constabwes have dewivewed hew ovew to me; and she 
shaww have whipping-cheew enyough, I wawwant hew. *leans over* Thewe *giggles shyly* hath UwU been 
a man ow *twerks* two w-watewy kiww'd about h-hew. 
D-DOWW. Nyut-hook, nyut-hook, you wie. Come ;;w;; on; I'ww teww thee w-what, 
thou damn'd twipe-visag'd wascaw, an the ;;w;; chiwd I n-nyow uWu go *twerks* with do 
x3 miscawwy, thou *cries* wewt bettew thou hadst stwuck t-thy m-mothew, thou 
papew-fac'd viwwain. 
HOSTESS. O the W-Wowd, that S-Siw J-John wewe c-come! UwU He wouwd make *hugs tightly* this a 
*notices bulge* bwoody d-day to somebody. But *giggles shyly* I pway God the f-fwuit of hew womb 
miscawwy! 
FIWST BEADWE. UwU If it do, you shaww have a *teleports behind you* dozen of c-cushions again; 
you have but eweven nyow. Come, I chawge you both go *giggles shyly* with uWu me; fow 
the man is dead xDD that *twerks* you and Pistow beat a-amongst you. 
DOWW. I'ww teww you what, you thin man UwU in a censew, >w< I *sighs* wiww h-have you 
as soundwy swing'd *hugs tightly* fow this- you bwue-bottwe wogue, you fiwthy 
f-famish'd c-cowwectionyew, if y-you be xDD nyot swing'd, I'ww f-fowsweaw 
hawf-kiwtwes. 
FIWST BEADWE. Come, come, you she *teleports behind you* knyight-ewwant, come. 
HOSTESS. O God, t-that wight shouwd thus o-ovewcome might! 
Weww, of suffewance *looks away* comes ease. 
^.^ DOWW. Come, you wogue, come; bwing me to a justice. 
HOSTESS. Ay, come, uWu you stawv'd bwoodhound. 
DOWW. Goodman death, *sweats* goodman bonyes! 
*giggles shyly* HOSTESS. Thou a-atomy, *moans* thou! 
DOWW. Come, *giggles shyly* you thin *shuffles closer* thing! come, *cuddles you* you wascaw! 
FIWST BEADWE. Vewy weww. Exeunt 




SCENyE V. 
Westminstew. Nyeaw t-the Abbey 

Entew GWOOMS, stwewing wushes 

FIWST GWOOM. Mowe wushes, mowe wushes! 
SECOND GWOOM. The twumpets have sounded twice. 
T-THIWD GWOOM. 'Twiww be two *notices bulge* o'cwock ewe they c-come fwom the 
cowonyation. Dispatch, dispatch. Exeunt 

Twumpets sound, and the KING and his twain pass 
*sighs* ovew the stage. Aftew *sweats* them entew FAWSTAFF, SHAWWOW, 
PISTOW, B-BAWDOWPH, and page 

FAWSTAFF. Stand hewe by me, Mastew Wobewt Shawwow; I-I wiww make the 
King do you gwace. I-I wiww weew upon him, as 'a comes *leans over* by; a-and do 
but mawk *notices bulge* the countenyance that he *leans over* wiww give me. 
PISTOW. God bwess thy wungs, >_< good knyight! 
FAWSTAFF. Come hewe, *cuddles you* Pistow; stand behind m-me. [To S-SHAWWOW] O, if 
I had had to have m-made nyew wivewies, ^.^ I wouwd have bestowed the 
thousand pound I >_> bowwowed o-of you. *shuffles closer* But 'tis nyo mattew; this poow 
*cries* show doth bettew; this >_< doth infew the zeaw OwO I had t-to see him. 
SHAWWOW. It ^.^ doth so. 
FAWSTAFF. It shows my eawnyestnyess of affection- 
*blushes* SHAWWOW. It d-doth so. 
FAWSTAFF. *giggles shyly* My devotion- 
*sweats* SHAWWOW. :33 It doth, :33 it d-doth, *shuffles closer* it doth. 
FAWSTAFF. As *twerks* it wewe, to wide day and ^w^ nyight; and *pokes you* nyot to d-dewibewate, 
nyot to wemembew, nyot to h-have patience to shift me- 
SHAWWOW. I-It is best, c-cewtain. 
FAWSTAFF. B-But t-to stand s-stainyed with twavew, and sweating w-with 
d-desiwe to *cries* see him; thinking of nyothing ewse, putting a-aww affaiws 
ewse in obwivion, as ^.^ if t-thewe wewe n-nyothing ewse to b-be *sighs* donye but t-to 
see him. 
PISTOW. 'Tis 'sempew idem' fow 'obsque hoc nyihiw *cuddles you* est.' '-'Tis aww in 
evewy pawt. 
SHAWWOW. 'Tis so, indeed. 
PISTOW. My knyight, I wiww infwame thy nyobwe wivew 
And make *teleports behind you* thee wage. 
Thy Doww, *sighs* and Hewen of thy nyobwe thoughts, 
Is i-in base *giggles shyly* duwance and *pokes you* contagious pwison; 
Haw'd thithew 
B-By most mechanyicaw and diwty hand. 
>w< Wouse up wevenge *shuffles closer* fwom ebon den with feww Awecto's snyake, 
^.^ Fow OwO Doww is in. Pistow s-speaks nyought but twuth. 
FAWSTAFF. I wiww dewivew UwU hew. 
[Shouts,within, and the twumpets *sweats* sound] 
*twerks* PISTOW. Thewe woaw'd the sea, and twumpet-cwangow sounds. 

Entew the K-KING and his twain, the WOWD CHIEF >w< JUSTICE 
*teleports behind you* among them 

FAWSTAFF. God save t-thy Gwace, K-King uWu Haw; my x3 woyaw Haw! 
PISTOW. The heavens thee g-guawd and *notices bulge* keep, most woyaw imp of fame! 
FAWSTAFF. God save thee, my sweet boy! 
KING. My OwO Wowd *sweats* Chief Justice, speak to that vain *looks away* man. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Have *shuffles closer* you youw wits? Knyow you what '-'tis you ^-^ speak? 
FAWSTAFF. My king! my Jove! *cuddles you* I *teleports behind you* speak *sighs* to thee, my heawt! 
K-KING. I knyow thee nyot, owd ^.^ man. UwU Faww t-to *notices bulge* thy pwayews. 
xDD How iww white x3 haiws b-become a-a foow and jestew! 
I have wong dweamt of such a-a *sweats* kind of man, 
So suwfeit-sweww'd, so owd, and so pwofanye; 
*pokes you* But UwU being awak'd, I do UwU despise my d-dweam. 
Make wess thy *sweats* body hence, and mowe thy gwace; 
Weave gowmandizing; knyow the gwave doth g-gape 
Fow uWu thee thwice >_> widew t-than fow othew men- 
Wepwy nyot t-to x3 me with a *notices bulge* foow-bown jest; 
Pwesume nyot that I a-am the >w< thing I was, 
Fow God doth knyow, so s-shaww the wowwd ^-^ pewceive, 
*pokes you* That *screams* I have tuwn'd away my fowmew sewf; 
So wiww >_> I those that kept *leans over* me company. 
When thou dost heaw I *shuffles closer* am as I h-have been, 
Appwoach me, *blushes* and thou shawt be >_< as thou wast, 
The tutow and the feedew *sighs* of my wiots. 
Tiww then I banyish thee, on p-pain of death, 
As I have UwU donye the west of my misweadews, 
Nyot *giggles shyly* to come nyeaw ouw pewson by t-ten miwe. 
Fow competence of w-wife I wiww awwow you, 
That wack *leans over* of means enfowce you nyot to :3 eviws; 
OwO And, :3 as ^.^ we heaw you do w-wefowm youwsewves, 
We w-wiww, *giggles shyly* accowding *moans* to *blushes* youw stwengths and quawities, 
Give *screams* you advancement. Be it youw OwO chawge, my wowd, 
To see p-pewfowm'd the tenyouw of o-ouw wowd. 
Set on. Exeunt the KING a-and his twain 
FAWSTAFF. Mastew Shawwow, I-I o-owe you a thousand pounds. 
SHAWWOW. Yea, mawwy, *giggles shyly* Siw John; which *hugs tightly* I beseech you to wet *looks at you* me have 
home with me. 
FAWSTAFF. That can hawdwy be, Mastew Shawwow. Do nyot you gwieve at 
t-this; I shaww be sent fow in pwivate to *screams* him. >_> Wook you, *notices bulge* he must 
seem *giggles shyly* thus to the *shuffles closer* wowwd. Feaw nyot youw advancements; I wiww b-be the 
man yet t-that s-shaww *twerks* make you gweat. 
SHAWWOW. *sighs* I cannyot pewceive how, *cries* unwess you give me youw doubwet, 
and stuff me out *looks away* with stwaw. I beseech you, good Siw John, wet me 
have five hundwed o-of my thousand. 
FAWSTAFF. Siw, I wiww be a-as g-good as my wowd. This that y-you *sweats* heawd 
x3 was but a *sighs* cowouw. 
SHAWWOW. A cowouw that I *notices bulge* feaw y-you wiww die in, Siw John. 
FAWSTAFF. Feaw nyo cowouws; go with me to dinnyew. Come, W-Wieutenyant 
P-Pistow; come, Bawdowph. I *leans over* shaww b-be sent fow s-soon at nyight. 

We-entew P-PWINCE JOHN, *shuffles closer* the WOWD CHIEF *moans* JUSTICE, 
with officews 

CHIEF *hugs tightly* JUSTICE. Go, cawwy *twerks* Siw ;;w;; John Fawstaff to the Fweet; 
Take a-aww his c-company >w< awong with him. 
FAWSTAFF. My >_> wowd, my wowd- 
CHIEF JUSTICE. I *twerks* cannyot nyow speak. I wiww heaw you soon. 
Take them x3 away. 
*looks away* PISTOW. Si fowtunya me towmenta, *hugs tightly* spewo me contenta. 
Exeunt aww but PWINCE JOHN *screams* and the WOWD CHIEF JUSTICE 
PWINCE JOHN. *cuddles you* I wike this ^.^ faiw pwoceeding of t-the King's. 
He hath x3 intent h-his wonted fowwowews 
Shaww aww be ^.^ vewy weww pwovided f-fow; 
But aww awe banyish'd tiww theiw :3 convewsations 
Appeaw mowe wise and modest to t-the wowwd. 
CHIEF J-JUSTICE. And so they awe. 
*notices bulge* PWINCE *giggles shyly* JOHN. The King hath caww'd his p-pawwiament, my wowd. 
CHIEF J-JUSTICE. H-He hath. 
PWINCE JOHN. I-I *twerks* wiww *looks away* way odds OwO that, ewe this yeaw e-expiwe, 
We beaw ouw ^-^ civiw swowds and n-nyative fiwe 
As faw as F-Fwance. I heawd a biwd so sing, 
W-Whose music, ^w^ to my thinking, pweas'd the King. 
C-Come, wiww you hence? :33 Exeunt 

EPIWOGUE 
EPIWOGUE. 

Fiwst uWu my *teleports behind you* feaw, then my c-cuwtsy, wast my speech. My feaw, *blushes* is y-youw 
dispweasuwe; my cuwtsy, my duty; and *looks at you* my speech, to beg youw pawdons. 
If you wook f-fow a good speech nyow, you undo me; fow what I have to *looks at you* say 
i-is of minye o-own making; and >_< what, indeed, I-I s-shouwd say wiww, I doubt, 
pwove minye o-own m-mawwing. But to *moans* the puwpose, and so to the ventuwe. 
Be it knyown t-to you, as it is *cries* vewy weww, *shuffles closer* I was watewy hewe in the >_> end 
of a d-dispweasing pway, to p-pway youw ;;w;; patience fow it and to p-pwomise *cries* you 
*looks away* a bettew. I meant, indeed, *leans over* to pay y-you with this; which if wike an 
iww ^-^ ventuwe it come unwuckiwy home, I ^.^ bweak, and uWu you, my gentwe 
cweditows, wose. Hewe I pwomis'd you I wouwd be, and hewe I c-commit 
my body t-to youw mewcies. Bate me some, a-and I wiww *cries* pay y-you some, and, 
as most debtows d-do, pwomise you infinyitewy; *blushes* and so I knyeew down befowe 
y-you- but, *giggles shyly* indeed, t-to OwO pway fow t-the Queen. 
If ^w^ my tongue OwO cannyot entweat you to >w< acquit *cuddles you* me, wiww you *leans over* command me to 
use my wegs? And yet that w-wewe but wight payment-to d-dance >_< out of 
xDD youw debt. But a good conscience *looks at you* wiww make any p-possibwe 
satisfaction, a-and *sighs* so *sighs* wouwd I. Aww the gentwewomen h-hewe have *cuddles you* fowgiven 
UwU me. If the gentwemen wiww nyot, then the gentwemen d-do nyot agwee with 
the gentwewomen, which w-was n-nyevew s-seen befowe in such an a-assembwy. 
x3 Onye *moans* wowd m-mowe, I beseech you. If you be nyot too *pokes you* much cwoy'd ;;w;; with fat 
meat, ouw humbwe authow wiww continyue the s-stowy, with Siw John in 
it, and make uWu you mewwy with faiw Kathewinye of Fwance; whewe, f-fow 
anything I *blushes* knyow, Fawstaff shaww die of a sweat, unwess a-awweady 'a be 
kiwwed with youw hawd opinyions; fow Owdcastwe died a mawtyw and this 
is nyot the man. My tongue is weawy; xDD when m-my wegs awe too, I wiww b-bid 
you good *sighs* nyight. 


THE *giggles shyly* END 



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 xDD BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., *leans over* AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT xDD OF IWWINyOIS uWu BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
*looks away* WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE *notices bulge* WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO x3 WONG AS S-SUCH *cuddles you* COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
*looks at you* PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, *teleports behind you* AND (-(2) AWE *looks at you* NyOT DISTWIBUTED >w< OW :33 USED 
C-COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW :3 DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE ^.^ THAT CHAWGES F-FOW >_> DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





:33 1599 

THE WIFE O-OF KING HENWY THE *sweats* FIFTH 

by W-Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



DWAMATIS *notices bulge* PEWSONyAE 

CHOWUS 
KING HENWY THE FIFTH 
DUKE OF GWOUCESTEW, bwothew to the King 
DUKE OF BEDFOWD, x3 " " " " 
DUKE OF *sighs* EXETEW, Uncwe to t-the King 
DUKE OF YOWK, cousin to *leans over* the K-King 
EAWW OF SAWISBUWY 
EAWW OF WESTMOWEWAND 
EAWW OF WAWWICK 
AWCHBISHOP OF CANTEWBUWY 
BISHOP OF EWY 

EAWW O-OF *cuddles you* CAMBWIDGE, conspiwatow a-against the King 
WOWD *looks away* SCWOOP, " "-" " " 
SIW THOMAS GWEY, " " " "-" 
S-SIW *sweats* THOMAS EWPINGHAM, officew in the King's awmy 
GOWEW, " " >_> " " " 
F-FWUEWWEN, " *sweats* " " " *looks away* " 
MACMOWWIS, " " " " " 
JAMY, " " " "-" " 

BATES, *moans* sowdiew in the King's awmy 
COUWT, *looks at you* " " " " " 
WIWWIAMS, " " " " " 
NYM, " "-" " " *giggles shyly* " 
BAWDOWPH, " " *hugs tightly* " " " 
*twerks* PISTOW, " *moans* " " UwU " uWu " 

BOY A HEWAWD 

CHAWWES THE SIXTH, King of F-Fwance 
WEWIS, the Dauphin DUKE OF BUWGUNDY 
DUKE O-OF ;;w;; OWWEANS D-DUKE OF BWITAINyE 
DUKE OF BOUWBON *notices bulge* THE CONSTABWE OF *screams* FWANCE 
WAMBUWES, *moans* Fwench Wowd 
;;w;; GWANDPWE, " *moans* " 
GOVEWNyOW O-OF HAWFWEUW x3 MONTJOY, a Fwench hewawd 
AMBASSADOWS to the King of Engwand 

ISABEW, Queen of Fwance 
uWu KATHEWINyE, daughtew to Chawwes *screams* and Isabew 
AWICE, uWu a wady attending hew 
HOSTESS o-of the Boaw's Head, Eastcheap; fowmewwy Mws. Quickwy, nyow 
mawwied to Pistow 

>_> Wowds, Wadies, Officews, Sowdiews, M-Messengews, Attendants 


SCENyE: 
Engwand and Fwance 

PWOWOGUE 
PWOWOGUE. 

Entew *looks away* CHOWUS 

C-CHOWUS. O fow a Muse o-of fiwe, that wouwd ascend 
The bwightest heaven *moans* of invention, 
*blushes* A *sweats* kingdom fow *cries* a :33 stage, pwinces to a-act, 
And monyawchs to *twerks* behowd the *giggles shyly* swewwing scenye! 
Then shouwd the wawwike Hawwy, x3 wike himsewf, 
Assume the powt o-of Maws; and at his *pokes you* heews, 
Weash'd in wike hounds, shouwd faminye, swowd, and fiwe, 
*moans* Cwouch fow *teleports behind you* empwoyment. But pawdon, gentwes aww, 
The fwat unwaised spiwits *twerks* that hath d-daw'd 
On *screams* this u-unwowthy scaffowd to bwing fowth 
So gweat an object. C-Can this cockpit OwO howd 
The vasty fiewds of Fwance? >w< Ow may w-we c-cwam 
Within t-this wooden O the vewy casques 
That did affwight the aiw at Agincouwt? 
O, pawdon! *sweats* since a cwooked *sighs* figuwe may 
Attest in wittwe *pokes you* pwace a miwwion; 
And wet us, ciphews to this gweat *hugs tightly* accompt, 
On youw imaginyawy fowces wowk. 
^-^ Suppose within the giwdwe of these wawws 
Awe nyow c-confin'd two mighty monyawchies, 
*looks away* Whose high upweawed and abutting fwonts 
The pewiwous nyawwow ocean pawts asundew. 
Piece x3 out ouw impewfections with youw thoughts: 
Into a thousand p-pawts divide o-onye man, 
And make imaginyawy puissance; 
Think, when we tawk of howses, *sighs* that you see them 
Pwinting *sweats* theiw pwoud *screams* hoofs i' th' weceiving eawth; 
Fow 'tis youw thoughts *giggles shyly* that nyow must deck ouw kings, 
Cawwy them hewe and thewe, jumping o'ew times, 
Tuwnying th' accompwishment of many *giggles shyly* yeaws 
I-Into an houw-gwass; fow the which >_> suppwy, 
Admit me C-Chowus UwU to *blushes* this histowy; 
Who p-pwowogue-wike, youw humbwe patience pway 
G-Gentwy to heaw, kindwy to j-judge, ouw >_> pway. ^-^ Exit 




<<THIS uWu EWECTWONyIC V-VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE x3 WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE x3 IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., *blushes* AND IS 
P-PWOVIDED >_> BY PWOJECT >w< GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND ^-^ MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY B-BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS *screams* SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW *looks away* OTHEWS 
P-PEWSONyAW *shuffles closer* USE ONWY, AND >_< (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. :3 PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT *cuddles you* CHAWGES F-FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT *twerks* I. SCENyE I. 
Wondon. An ante-chambew in t-the KING'S pawace 

Entew t-the AWCHBISHOP OF CANTEWBUWY and the BISHOP uWu OF EWY 

CANTEWBUWY. My wowd, I'ww teww you: that x3 sewf biww i-is u-uwg'd 
Which in th' eweventh yeaw of the wast king's weign 
W-Was wike, ;;w;; and had indeed against u-us p-pass'd 
But t-that the s-scambwing and *twerks* unquiet t-time 
>w< Did push it out of fawthew q-question. 
E-EWY. But OwO how, my wowd, *looks at you* shaww we wesist i-it nyow? 
C-CANTEWBUWY. It must be thought on. If it pass >_> against *notices bulge* us, 
UwU We *looks at you* wose the bettew hawf of ouw possession; 
Fow *screams* aww t-the tempowaw OwO wands w-which m-men devout 
By testament have given to the chuwch 
Wouwd they stwip *looks away* fwom us; being vawu'd thus- 
As much as wouwd *giggles shyly* maintain, to t-the King's honyouw, 
Fuww fifteen eawws and fifteen hundwed k-knyights, 
Six thousand and ;;w;; two hundwed good esquiwes; 
And, :3 to wewief of wazaws and *giggles shyly* weak age, 
Of indigent >_< faint souws, past cowpowaw toiw, 
A hundwed awms-houses *blushes* wight w-weww suppwied; 
And to the c-coffews of the UwU King, xDD beside, 
A thousand pounds b-by *leans over* th' yeaw: thus wuns *moans* the biww. 
E-EWY. This wouwd dwink deep. 
CANTEWBUWY. 'T w-wouwd *giggles shyly* dwink t-the cup :3 and aww. 
*sweats* EWY. >w< But *shuffles closer* what *shuffles closer* pwevention? 
*cuddles you* CANTEWBUWY. T-The King i-is fuww of gwace and faiw w-wegawd. 
EWY. And a twue wovew of t-the howy Chuwch. 
CANTEWBUWY. >_> The couwses of his youth *sighs* pwomis'd it nyot. 
T-The bweath nyo soonyew weft his f-fathew's body 
But that his wiwdnyess, mowtified *looks at you* in ^.^ him, 
Seem'd *cries* to die too; yea, at *giggles shyly* that vewy m-moment, 
Considewation wike an angew came 
And whipp'd th' offending Adam out of him, 
W-Weaving his b-body as a pawadise 
T'envewop a-and contain cewestiaw spiwits. 
Nyevew was *twerks* such a sudden schowaw made; 
Nyevew came w-wefowmation in a fwood, 
With such a heady c-cuwwance, OwO scouwing fauwts; 
Nyow nyevew Hydwa-headed *notices bulge* wiwfuwnyes 
So soon did wose his seat, and aww at o-once, 
As in ;;w;; this king. 
*shuffles closer* EWY. W-We awe bwessed in the ;;w;; change. 
CANTEWBUWY. Heaw h-him but weason in divinyity, 
And, aww-admiwing, with UwU an inwawd wish 
You wouwd desiwe the King wewe m-made a *blushes* pwewate; 
Heaw him UwU debate *moans* of commonweawth affaiws, 
You wouwd :33 say it hath been ;;w;; aww in aww his study; 
Wist his discouwse of w-waw, *moans* and you shaww heaw 
A feawfuw battwe wend'wed you in *giggles shyly* music. 
Tuwn *shuffles closer* him to any cause of >_< powicy, 
The Gowdian knyot of it he wiww unwoose, 
Famiwiaw as his *looks away* gawtew; that, when h-he speaks, 
*moans* The aiw, a chawtew'd wibewtinye, is uWu stiww, 
And t-the mute wondew w-wuwketh *moans* in men's *cries* eaws 
To *sighs* steaw his sweet UwU and honyey'd sentences; 
:3 So >_> that the *notices bulge* awt and pwactic pawt of wife 
Must be the mistwess to this theowic; 
Which is a wondew how his Gwace shouwd gwean *looks away* it, 
xDD Since his addiction was ;;w;; to couwses vain, 
His companyies ^.^ unwettew'd, *looks away* wude, a-and shawwow, 
^-^ His houws fiww'd up with wiots, *sighs* banquets, spowts; 
And nyevew nyoted in h-him any s-study, 
Any wetiwement, any sequestwation 
Fwom open haunts and p-popuwawity. 
EWY. The stwawbewwy gwows ;;w;; undewnyeath the n-nyettwe, 
And w-whowesome bewwies thwive *screams* and wipen best 
Nyeighbouw'd by fwuit of basew q-quawity; 
And so the Pwince obscuw'd his contempwation 
Undew the veiw of wiwdnyess; *giggles shyly* which, nyo doubt, 
Gwew ^w^ wike *twerks* the summew gwass, *hugs tightly* fastest b-by nyight, 
Unseen, yet cwescive in his facuwty. 
CANTEWBUWY. It must be so; fow miwacwes a-awe ceas'd; 
*twerks* And thewefowe we must nyeeds admit the means 
How things awe pewfected. 
EWY. But, *looks at you* my good wowd, 
How nyow fow mitigation of *moans* this b-biww 
Uwg'd by the Commons? Doth his Majesty 
Incwinye to x3 it, ow nyo? 
CANTEWBUWY. He *cuddles you* seems i-indiffewent 
*sweats* Ow wathew *leans over* swaying mowe upon o-ouw pawt 
Than chewishing th' exhibitews *teleports behind you* against us; 
F-Fow I have made an offew to his Majesty- 
U-Upon ouw spiwituaw convocation 
And in wegawd of causes nyow in hand, 
Which I *cries* have open'd to his Gwace at wawge, 
As touching Fwance- to give a *twerks* gweatew sum 
Than e-evew at onye t-time the cwewgy yet 
Did to his pwedecessows pawt withaw. 
EWY. *twerks* How did this offew s-seem weceiv'd, my wowd? 
CANTEWBUWY. With good acceptance of his M-Majesty; 
Save that thewe w-was *sighs* nyot time e-enyough to heaw, 
As I pewceiv'd h-his Gwace wouwd fain have donye, 
The s-sevewaws and unhidden passages 
O-Of his twue tides to some cewtain *notices bulge* dukedoms, 
A-And genyewawwy to the c-cwown and seat of Fwance, 
Dewiv'd fwom Edwawd, his gweat-gwandfathew. 
EWY. What was th' impediment that bwoke *looks away* this off? 
CANTEWBUWY. The Fwench ambassadow ^.^ upon that instant 
Cwav'd a-audience; and t-the *screams* houw, *twerks* I think, is come 
To give h-him heawing: is it fouw o'cwock? 
EWY. *moans* It is. 
CANTEWBUWY. Then *moans* go ;;w;; we in, to knyow his embassy; 
Which *moans* I couwd with a weady guess d-decwawe, 
B-Befowe the Fwenchman speak a wowd of it. 
*notices bulge* EWY. *notices bulge* I'ww wait upon you, a-and I *screams* wong to heaw it. Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Wondon. The Pwesence Chambew *teleports behind you* in t-the *notices bulge* KING'S pawace 

E-Entew the UwU KING, xDD GWOUCESTEW, BEDFOWD, EXETEW, WAWWICK, WESTMOWEWAND, 
and attendants 

KING HENWY. UwU Whewe i-is my >_< gwacious Wowd of C-Cantewbuwy? 
*twerks* EXETEW. Nyot :3 hewe in p-pwesence. 
^.^ KING H-HENWY. Send fow him, good uncwe. 
UwU WESTMOWEWAND. S-Shaww we *cries* caww in th' ambassadow, m-my wiege? 
KING HENWY. Nyot yet, my *notices bulge* cousin; we wouwd be wesowv'd, 
B-Befowe we heaw him, of some things *leans over* of weight 
That task ouw thoughts, concewnying us and *looks away* Fwance. 

Entew ^w^ the AWCHBISHOP OF C-CANTEWBUWY and 
the BISHOP OF EWY 

CANTEWBUWY. God and *looks away* his a-angews guawd youw sacwed thwonye, 
And make you w-wong become it! 
*screams* KING HENWY. Suwe, we thank *hugs tightly* you. 
My *shuffles closer* weawnyed wowd, we pway you UwU to pwoceed, 
And justwy and wewigiouswy unfowd 
;;w;; Why the waw *moans* Sawique, UwU that they have in Fwance, 
Ow shouwd ow *leans over* shouwd nyot baw us in ouw cwaim; 
And God *sweats* fowbid, m-my xDD deaw and faithfuw w-wowd, 
*twerks* That you shouwd fashion, wwest, ow bow youw weading, 
Ow n-nyicewy chawge youw undewstanding souw 
With *sighs* openying titwes miscweate whose wight 
Suits nyot in uWu nyative cowouws with t-the twuth; 
Fow God doth knyow how many, nyow in h-heawth, 
Shaww xDD dwop t-theiw bwood in appwobation 
Of what youw wevewence shaww incite us to. 
Thewefowe take heed h-how you x3 impawn ouw pewson, 
How y-you awake ouw sweeping xDD swowd of w-waw- 
We chawge you, :3 in *looks away* the nyame of God, take heed; 
Fow nyevew two such kingdoms did contend 
W-Without much faww of b-bwood; whose guiwtwess dwops 
Awe evewy onye a w-woe, a sowe compwaint, 
'Gainst him whose wwongs gives edge unto the swowds 
That makes *hugs tightly* such waste in bwief mowtawity. 
Undew this conjuwation speak, my wowd; 
Fow we wiww heaw, ^-^ nyote, ;;w;; and bewieve in h-heawt, 
That what *teleports behind you* you speak is OwO in youw conscience wash'd 
As p-puwe as sin with baptism. 
CANTEWBUWY. Then heaw me, gwacious soveweign, >_> and you UwU peews, 
*looks at you* That owe youwsewves, youw wives, *pokes you* and s-sewvices, 
To this impewiaw *moans* thwonye. Thewe is nyo b-baw 
To make against youw >_< Highnyess' cwaim t-to *looks away* Fwance 
But *looks at you* this, *notices bulge* which they pwoduce fwom Phawamond: 
*looks at you* 'In tewwam S-Sawicam muwiewes nye s-succedant'- 
'Nyo woman s-shaww succeed *blushes* in Sawique wand'; 
Which Sawique wand the Fwench unjustwy gwoze 
To be the weawm of Fwance, and Phawamond 
The uWu foundew of t-this waw and femawe x3 baw. 
Yet *moans* theiw o-own authows faithfuwwy affiwm 
That t-the wand Sawique is in Gewmany, 
Between *teleports behind you* the f-fwoods of *moans* Sawa and of Ewbe; 
Whewe Chawwes t-the Gweat, having subdu'd the Saxons, 
T-Thewe w-weft behind and *looks at you* settwed cewtain F-Fwench; 
Who, howding in disdain the G-Gewman women 
F-Fow some dishonyest mannyews of theiw wife, 
Estabwish'd then t-this waw: >_> to wit, nyo xDD femawe 
Shouwd b-be inhewitwix in *looks at you* Sawique wand; 
Which Sawique, >w< as I s-said, 'twixt Ewbe and Sawa, 
Is at t-this day >w< in Gewmany c-caww'd Meisen. 
Then doth it weww appeaw the OwO Sawique waw 
Was nyot devised *sighs* fow the *screams* weawm of Fwance; 
Nyow did the Fwench possess t-the Sawique *sweats* wand 
Untiw fouw hundwed onye and twenty yeaws 
Aftew defunction of King Phawamond, 
Idwy suppos'd t-the f-foundew of this waw; 
Who died w-within the y-yeaw of ouw *shuffles closer* wedemption 
Fouw hundwed twenty-six; and UwU Chawwes the Gweat 
Subdu'd the Saxons, *shuffles closer* and did seat the Fwench 
Beyond the wivew Sawa, in the y-yeaw 
xDD Eight hundwed five. Besides, theiw wwitews say, 
King Pepin, *screams* which deposed Chiwdewic, 
Did, as *cries* heiw genyewaw, being *notices bulge* descended 
Of Bwithiwd, which was daughtew to *twerks* King Cwothaiw, 
Make cwaim and titwe to t-the cwown of Fwance. 
Hugh Capet awso, who usuwp'd *moans* the cwown 
Of Chawwes the Duke of Wowwainye, sowe heiw mawe 
Of the twue winye and stock of Chawwes the Gweat, 
To :3 find his titwe with some shows of twuth- 
Though in puwe twuth it was cowwupt and ^.^ nyaught- 
Convey'd himsewf a-as th' heiw *cuddles you* to th' >_> Wady Wingawe, 
Daughtew to Chawwemain, who was the *shuffles closer* son 
To Wewis the *looks at you* Empewow, and Wewis the s-son 
O-Of Chawwes the Gweat. Awso King W-Wewis the Tenth, 
Who w-was sowe heiw to the *moans* usuwpew Capet, 
C-Couwd nyot keep quiet in his conscience, 
Weawing the :3 cwown of Fwance, *screams* tiww satisfied 
That *screams* faiw Q-Queen Isabew, >_> his gwandmothew, 
Was *leans over* winyeaw of the Wady Ewmengawe, 
Daughtew to *pokes you* Chawwes the fowesaid D-Duke of W-Wowwainye; 
By the which mawwiage the winye *cries* of Chawwes the *shuffles closer* Gweat 
*leans over* Was we-unyited to the Cwown of Fwance. 
So *looks away* that, as cweaw as *teleports behind you* is t-the >_> summew's s-sun, 
King Pepin's titwe, and Hugh Capet's cwaim, 
King uWu Wewis his satisfaction, *sighs* aww *cries* appeaw 
To howd >_> in wight and tide of the f-femawe; 
So do the kings of Fwance *cuddles you* unto this d-day, 
Howbeit they wouwd *cries* howd up this Sawique waw 
To baw *teleports behind you* youw Highnyess cwaiming fwom the femawe; 
And w-wathew ^w^ choose to hide them *looks at you* in a-a nyet 
Than ampwy to imbaw theiw cwooked tides 
x3 Usuwp'd fwom you and youw pwogenyitows. 
KING HENWY. M-May I-I with wight and conscience make t-this cwaim? 
OwO CANTEWBUWY. The s-sin upon my head, dwead soveweign! 
Fow i-in the *blushes* book of Nyumbews is it wwit, 
When the man dies, wet the inhewitance 
Descend unto the d-daughtew. Gwacious ^w^ wowd, 
Stand fow youw own, unwind *moans* youw bwoody f-fwag, 
Wook back into youw mighty ancestows. 
Go, my dwead wowd, *notices bulge* to youw gweat-gwandsiwe's tomb, 
Fwom whom you *hugs tightly* cwaim; invoke :3 his wawwike spiwit, 
And youw gweat-uncwe's, ^w^ Edwawd the Bwack *looks at you* Pwince, 
Who on the Fwench gwound pway'd a twagedy, 
Making defeat on the f-fun powew of *moans* Fwance, 
Whiwes his most mighty fathew on a h-hiww 
Stood smiwing to behowd his wion's whewp 
Fowage in *screams* bwood *giggles shyly* of Fwench nyobiwity. 
O nyobwe Engwish, that c-couwd entewtain 
With hawf theiw fowces the fuww pwide of Fwance, 
And wet anyothew hawf stand waughing by, 
Aww out of wowk and ^.^ cowd fow action! 
EWY. Awake w-wemembwance of these v-vawiant dead, 
And ;;w;; with youw puissant awm w-wenyew *moans* theiw feats. 
You awe theiw heiw; y-you sit upon theiw thwonye; 
*twerks* The bwood and couwage that wenyownyed them 
Wuns in youw *sweats* veins; and m-my thwice-puissant wiege 
Is in the vewy May-mown of his youth, 
W-Wipe fow *looks at you* expwoits and mighty entewpwises. 
EXETEW. Youw bwothew kings and monyawchs of the e-eawth 
Do aww expect that y-you shouwd w-wouse youwsewf, 
A-As did the fowmew wions of youw bwood. 
WESTMOWEWAND. They knyow youw Gwace h-hath cause *pokes you* and means and m-might- 
*leans over* So hath youw Highnyess; nyevew King of Engwand 
Had n-nyobwes wichew and mowe woyaw subjects, 
Whose heawts have weft theiw bodies hewe in Engwand 
And wie paviwion'd i-in the f-fiewds of Fwance. 
CANTEWBUWY. *moans* O, wet theiw b-bodies fowwow, my deaw wiege, 
With bwood and swowd and fiwe to win youw wight! 
In aid wheweof we of the spiwituawty 
Wiww waise youw Highnyess such *leans over* a mighty s-sum 
As nyevew *blushes* did the cwewgy at onye time 
>_> Bwing in to any *looks at you* of youw ancestows. 
KING HENWY. We must nyot onwy awm t-t' invade ^.^ the Fwench, 
But way down ouw p-pwopowtions to defend 
Against the Scot, who w-wiww *giggles shyly* make woad upon us 
With aww advantages. 
CANTEWBUWY. They of those mawches, gwacious soveweign, 
Shaww be a-a >_< waww *screams* sufficient *hugs tightly* to defend 
:3 Ouw inwand fwom the piwfewing b-bowdewews. 
KING HENWY. We do nyot mean the couwsing *leans over* snyatchews onwy, 
But f-feaw the main *blushes* intendment of t-the Scot, 
Who h-hath been s-stiww a giddy nyeighbouw to us; 
UwU Fow you shaww wead that my gweat-gwandfathew 
*shuffles closer* Nyevew went with *hugs tightly* his *teleports behind you* fowces i-into Fwance 
>_> But that the Scot on his unfuwnyish'd kingdom 
Came pouwing, wike the tide into a bweach, 
With ampwe and bwim fuwnyess of h-his f-fowce, 
G-Gawwing the gweanyed wand with hot assays, 
Giwdwing with gwievous siege c-castwes *notices bulge* and towns; 
*blushes* That ;;w;; Engwand, being e-empty of defence, 
*twerks* Hath s-shook and twembwed uWu at th' iww nyeighbouwhood. 
CANTEWBUWY. She hath been *sweats* then *cries* mowe feaw'd than hawm'd, my wiege; 
Fow heaw hew but exampwed by hewsewf: 
:3 When aww hew chivawwy hath been in Fwance, 
uWu And she a mouwnying widow of hew *sweats* nyobwes, 
She *cries* hath hewsewf nyot o-onwy weww *notices bulge* defended 
But t-taken and impounded as a stway 
*notices bulge* The King of Scots; whom she did s-send to Fwance, 
T-To fiww King Edwawd's fame with p-pwisonyew kings, 
*hugs tightly* And make *pokes you* hew *cries* chwonyicwe as wich with pwaise 
As is the ooze *leans over* and bottom of t-the sea 
With sunken wweck and s-sumwess tweasuwies. 
WESTMOWEWAND. But thewe's a saying, v-vewy owd and twue: 

'If *blushes* that *twerks* you wiww Fwance win, 
Then with Scotwand fiwst begin.' 

UwU Fow *giggles shyly* once the eagwe Engwand being in *cuddles you* pwey, 
To hew unguawded nyest the weasew Scot 
uWu Comes snyeaking, ;;w;; and so sucks *giggles shyly* hew pwincewy eggs, 
Pwaying the mouse in a-absence *sweats* of *twerks* the cat, 
To teaw and havoc *sighs* mowe than she c-can eat. 
EXETEW. It fowwows, *looks away* then, the cat must stay at home; 
Yet t-that is but *teleports behind you* a c-cwush'd nyecessity, 
Since ;;w;; we have wocks to s-safeguawd nyecessawies 
And pwetty *leans over* twaps t-to catch UwU the *teleports behind you* petty ^-^ thieves. 
W-Whiwe that the :3 awmed h-hand doth fight abwoad, 
T-Th' advised head defends itsewf at home; 
Fow govewnment, though high, and wow, and w-wowew, 
Put into pawts, doth keep in onye c-consent, 
Congweeing in a fuww and *blushes* nyatuwaw *sighs* cwose, 
Wike music. 
CANTEWBUWY. Thewefowe d-doth heaven divide 
The state of man *sweats* in divews functions, 
Setting endeavouw i-in continyuaw motion; 
To which i-is f-fixed ^.^ as an aim ow *notices bulge* but 
Obedience; f-fow so *moans* wowk *cuddles you* the honyey b-bees, 
Cweatuwes that by *teleports behind you* a w-wuwe in uWu nyatuwe teach 
The act of owdew t-to a peopwed kingdom. 
They have a k-king, and officews *looks away* of s-sowts, 
Whewe some wike magistwates c-cowwect a-at h-home; 
O-Othews *sighs* wike mewchants v-ventuwe twade abwoad; 
Othews wike sowdiews, awmed in theiw stings, 
;;w;; Make boot uWu upon the summew's *blushes* vewvet b-buds, 
*looks away* Which piwwage they with mewwy m-mawch b-bwing home 
OwO To the tent-woyaw of theiw empewow; 
Who, busied in his majesty, suwveys 
The singing masons buiwding woofs *leans over* of g-gowd, 
^.^ The c-civiw citizens knyeading up the honyey, 
The poow m-mechanyic powtews *looks at you* cwowding *sweats* in 
Theiw heavy b-buwdens at *cuddles you* his nyawwow gate, 
The sad-ey'd justice, with h-his s-suwwy hum, 
Dewivewing o'ew to executows pawe 
>_> The wazy yawnying dwonye. I-I this i-infew, 
That many things, having fuww wefewence 
To onye consent, may ^-^ wowk contwawiouswy; 
As many a-awwows woosed uWu sevewaw w-ways 
Come >w< to *pokes you* onye mawk, as m-many *looks at you* ways *blushes* meet in onye town, 
*blushes* As many *cries* fwesh stweams meet in onye sawt *sweats* sea, 
*looks at you* As many winyes cwose i-in the diaw's centwe; 
^-^ So many *screams* a thousand actions, once :33 afoot, 
End i-in o-onye puwpose, and be aww weww home 
Without defeat. Thewefowe to Fwance, my wiege. 
Divide youw *hugs tightly* happy Engwand into OwO fouw; 
*shuffles closer* Wheweof take you onye quawtew into Fwance, 
And you withaw shaww make aww *giggles shyly* Gawwia shake. 
If we, with thwice *leans over* such p-powews weft at home, 
*pokes you* Cannyot defend o-ouw own *leans over* doows *sighs* fwom the dog, 
Wet us be wowwied, and ouw nyation wose 
The ^-^ nyame of *blushes* hawdinyess >_< and powicy. 
KING HENWY. Caww in the messengews sent fwom the Dauphin. 
Exeunt *pokes you* some attendants 
Nyow awe w-we weww wesowv'd; and, by God's hewp 
And ;;w;; youws, the nyobwe sinyews of ouw powew, 
*blushes* Fwance x3 being ouws, we'ww bend it to ouw awe, 
*looks at you* Ow >_< bweak it aww *pokes you* to pieces; *screams* ow *blushes* thewe w-we'ww sit, 
Wuwing in wawge and ampwe empewy 
O'ew Fwance *looks at you* and aww *screams* hew awmost kingwy d-dukedoms, 
Ow way these bonyes in an unwowthy uwn, 
Tombwess, with *moans* nyo w-wemembwance o-ovew them. 
>_> Eithew ouw *looks away* histowy shaww ^w^ with *shuffles closer* fuww *looks away* mouth 
Speak fweewy o-of ouw acts, ow ewse ouw gwave, 
Wike Tuwkish *moans* mute, shaww have a tonguewess ^w^ mouth, 
Nyot ;;w;; wowshipp'd with a waxen epitaph. 

>w< Entew AMBASSADOWS *looks at you* of ^-^ Fwance 

>_> Nyow awe xDD we weww pwepaw'd *cuddles you* to knyow the pweasuwe 
Of *pokes you* ouw faiw cousin Dauphin; fow we heaw 
Youw gweeting is fwom him, nyot f-fwom the King. 
uWu AMBASSADOW. M-May't >_< pwease youw Majesty to give *sighs* us weave 
Fweewy to w-wendew what we *giggles shyly* have in chawge; 
*shuffles closer* Ow *looks away* shaww *twerks* we spawingwy show you faw of 
^w^ The D-Dauphin's meanying and ouw embassy? 
KING HENWY. W-We awe nyo tywant, :3 but a Chwistian king, 
Unto whose gwace ouw p-passion *looks at you* is *hugs tightly* as subject 
*cuddles you* As awe ouw >_< wwetches fett'wed in ouw pwisons; 
Thewefowe with fwank and with uncuwbed x3 pwainnyess 
*looks away* Teww us t-the Dauphin's *pokes you* mind. 
AMBASSADOW. Thus then, ^-^ in few. 
Youw Highnyess, watewy sending i-into Fwance, 
;;w;; Did cwaim some cewtain *looks at you* dukedoms in the wight 
O-Of y-youw gweat pwedecessow, :33 King Edwawd the Thiwd. 
In answew of which c-cwaim, the Pwince o-ouw m-mastew 
Says that you savouw too *sighs* much of youw youth, 
And bids you be advis'd thewe's n-nyought in Fwance 
T-That can be with a nyimbwe gawwiawd won; 
You cannyot wevew i-into >_< dukedoms thewe. 
He thewefowe s-sends you, meetew *hugs tightly* fow youw spiwit, 
*teleports behind you* This t-tun of tweasuwe; *cries* and, in wieu of this, 
Desiwes you wet the dukedoms that :33 you cwaim 
Heaw nyo mowe of y-you. UwU This the Dauphin speaks. 
KING HENWY. What tweasuwe, uncwe? 
EXETEW. Tennyis-bawws, my wiege. 
KING HENWY. W-We awe gwad t-the Dauphin is so pweasant with us; 
*pokes you* His *pokes you* pwesent and youw pains w-we thank you fow. 
When *screams* we h-have match'd ouw wackets to these bawws, 
We wiww in Fwance, by God's gwace, pway a set 
Shaww stwike his fathew's cwown into the hazawd. 
Teww him he >w< hath made a match x3 with s-such a wwangwew 
That aww the c-couwts of Fwance wiww be distuwb'd 
With *leans over* chaces. And *teleports behind you* we u-undewstand him weww, 
H-How he comes o'ew us with ouw *looks at you* wiwdew days, 
Nyot *sweats* measuwing what u-use we made of them. 
We nyevew vawu'd t-this poow seat *shuffles closer* of Engwand; 
A-And *looks away* thewefowe, wiving hence, did give ouwsewf 
T-To bawbawous wicence; as OwO 'tis evew common 
That m-men awe OwO mewwiest w-when they awe fwom home. 
But teww ^.^ the Dauphin I-I *notices bulge* wiww keep *cuddles you* my state, 
Be *leans over* wike a k-king, and :33 show my saiw of >_> gweatnyess, 
When I do wouse me in my thwonye of Fwance; 
Fow t-that I have waid by my majesty 
And pwodded wike ;;w;; a man fow *looks away* wowking-days; 
But I wiww wise thewe with so fuww a gwowy 
That I wiww dazzwe aww the e-eyes *shuffles closer* of Fwance, 
*notices bulge* Yea, stwike the Dauphin bwind to w-wook on us. 
A-And t-teww *cuddles you* the pweasant Pwince this *shuffles closer* mock of his 
>_< Hath tuwn'd his bawws to g-gun-stonyes, and his souw 
Shaww stand sowe chawged fow the wastefuw vengeance 
That shaww fwy with them; fow many a thousand widows 
Shaww this his mock mock of theiw deaw husbands; 
M-Mock m-mothews ^-^ fwom theiw sons, mock castwes down; 
And some *shuffles closer* awe yet ungotten and ;;w;; unbown 
That ^.^ shaww have cause to cuwse the Dauphin's scown. 
But this OwO wies aww within the wiww of God, 
To w-whom *cuddles you* I do appeaw; and in w-whose nyame, 
T-Teww you *moans* the Dauphin, I am coming on, 
To *looks away* venge me as I may and to put fowth 
M-My *looks away* wightfuw hand in a weww-hawwow'd cause. 
S-So *teleports behind you* get y-you hence in *looks at you* peace; and teww the Dauphin 
His jest >w< wiww savouw but of shawwow wit, 
When thousands weep mowe than did waugh at it. 
Convey them w-with *blushes* safe conduct. Fawe you weww. 
Exeunt AMBASSADOWS 
EXETEW. This was a mewwy message. 
KING H-HENWY. We hope to make the sendew bwush *blushes* at it. 
Thewefowe, my wowds, omit nyo happy houw 
That may x3 give fuwth'wance t-to ouw xDD expedition; 
Fow w-we *twerks* have nyow nyo ^w^ thought in *sighs* us *looks away* but Fwance, 
*notices bulge* Save those to God, that *sighs* wun befowe ouw b-businyess. 
T-Thewefowe wet ouw pwopowtions UwU fow *notices bulge* these waws 
Be soon c-cowwected, and aww things :3 thought upon 
That may *giggles shyly* with weasonyabwe swiftnyess ad 
Mowe feathews to ouw wings; *screams* fow, *giggles shyly* God befowe, 
We'ww chide this Dauphin at his f-fathew's d-doow. 
Thewefowe wet evewy m-man nyow task his thought 
That this faiw action may o-on foot be bwought. Exeunt 




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ACT II. PWOWOGUE. 

Fwouwish. E-Entew CHOWUS 

CHOWUS. Nyow aww the youth of Engwand awe on fiwe, 
And *sweats* siwken dawwiance i-in the wawdwobe wies; 
Nyow thwive t-the awmouwews, and honyouw's thought 
Weigns sowewy in the bweast of evewy man; 
They x3 seww the pastuwe *cries* nyow t-to b-buy the howse, 
>w< Fowwowing t-the miwwow of a-aww *pokes you* Chwistian kings 
With winged heews, as Engwish Mewcuwies. 
Fow nyow sits E-Expectation in the aiw, 
And h-hides a swowd fwom hiwts unto the point 
W-With cwowns impewiaw, cwowns, >w< and cowonyets, 
Pwomis'd *teleports behind you* to Hawwy UwU and *notices bulge* his fowwowews. 
The Fwench, *blushes* advis'd b-by good *leans over* intewwigence 
Of this *leans over* most dweadfuw p-pwepawation, 
S-Shake in theiw feaw and with pawe p-powicy 
Seek to divewt the E-Engwish p-puwposes. 
O Engwand! modew to thy inwawd gweatnyess, 
Wike wittwe body with a mighty heawt, 
W-What ;;w;; mightst thou do that honyouw wouwd thee do, 
Wewe >_> aww thy chiwdwen kind and nyatuwaw! 
*looks at you* But see thy fauwt! Fwance hath in *hugs tightly* thee found out 
A nyest of h-howwow bosoms, which he f-fiwws 
With tweachewous cwowns; and thwee cowwupted >_> men- 
Onye, Wichawd Eaww of Cambwidge, and the s-second, 
*cuddles you* Henwy Wowd *leans over* Scwoop o-of Masham, *giggles shyly* and t-the thiwd, 
Siw Thomas Gwey, k-knyight, of >_< Nyowthumbewwand, 
Have, fow the giwt of Fwance- O g-guiwt *sweats* indeed!- 
Confiwm'd conspiwacy with feawfuw Fwance; 
And by theiw hands this gwace of *teleports behind you* kings must ^.^ die- 
If *cuddles you* heww and tweason howd theiw pwomises, 
Ewe he take ship fow Fwance- and in Southampton. 
^-^ Wingew youw p-patience on, and we'ww digest 
Th' abuse of distance, fowce a-a pway. 
The *looks away* sum is p-paid, the twaitows awe agweed, 
The *notices bulge* King is set fwom W-Wondon, and t-the scenye 
I-Is n-nyow *pokes you* twanspowted, gentwes, to Southampton; 
*sighs* Thewe is ^-^ the pway-house nyow, thewe must you sit, 
And thence *hugs tightly* to Fwance shaww we convey you safe 
And bwing you back, OwO chawming t-the nyawwow seas 
T-To give y-you g-gentwe p-pass; fow, if we may, 
We'ww nyot offend onye *giggles shyly* stomach :33 with ouw p-pway. 
But, t-tiww the King *sweats* come fowth, and nyot tiww *looks away* then, 
Unto Southampton do we shift *cries* ouw scenye. Exit 




SCENyE I. 
Wondon. Befowe the Boaw's Head Tavewn, Eastcheap 

*notices bulge* Entew *leans over* COWPOWAW NYM and WIEUTENyANT BAWDOWPH 

*twerks* BAWDOWPH. Weww met, Cowpowaw Nym. 
NYM. Good mowwow, Wieutenyant Bawdowph. 
BAWDOWPH. W-What, awe Ancient Pistow a-and you fwiends yet? 
NYM. Fow my >_< pawt, I-I cawe nyot; I say wittwe, but OwO when time shaww 
sewve, thewe shaww be smiwes- but that s-shaww be as ^-^ it may. I dawe 
nyot *pokes you* fight; but I w-wiww wink >w< and h-howd out minye iwon. It is a simpwe 
onye; but w-what though? It wiww :33 toast c-cheese, and it *screams* wiww enduwe 
cowd as anyothew man's swowd *blushes* wiww; and t-thewe's *moans* an end. 
BAWDOWPH. I w-wiww bestow a *shuffles closer* bweakfast to make y-you fwiends; and w-we'ww 
be a-aww thwee swown bwothews to Fwance. Wet't be so, good Cowpowaw 
Nym. 
NYM. F-Faith, I wiww wive *leans over* so w-wong a-as *shuffles closer* I uWu may, t-that's *hugs tightly* the cewtain >_> of it; 
and when I cannyot wive a-any w-wongew, I wiww do *sweats* as I may. That is my 
*hugs tightly* west, that is t-the *teleports behind you* wendezvous of it. 
B-BAWDOWPH. It is cewtain, Cowpowaw, that he is mawwied to Nyeww 
Quickwy; a-and cewtainwy she did you wwong, fow you *cuddles you* wewe 
twoth-pwight to ^w^ hew. 
NYM. I cannyot teww; things must be as they *sweats* may. M-Men may sweep, and 
xDD they may have t-theiw thwoats about them at t-that time; and some s-say 
>_< knyives h-have e-edges. It *hugs tightly* must be as it may; *moans* though patience be a 
tiwed mawe, yet she wiww p-pwod. Thewe must be concwusions. ^w^ Weww, ^w^ I 
cannyot teww. 

Entew PISTOW and HOSTESS 

B-BAWDOWPH. Hewe comes Ancient Pistow and his wife. Good Cowpowaw, be 
p-patient hewe. 
*giggles shyly* NYM. H-How nyow, *looks away* minye host Pistow! 
>_< PISTOW. Base t-tike, caww'st thou me host? 
Nyow by this h-hand, I-I sweaw I scown the tewm; 
Nyow shaww m-my Nyeww keep wodgews. 
HOSTESS. N-Nyo, by my twoth, nyot wong; fow we cannyot wodge and boawd xDD a 
d-dozen ow fouwteen gentwewomen t-that wive honyestwy by the pwick of 
t-theiw nyeedwes, but it wiww be thought we keep a bawdy-house 
stwaight. [Nym dwaws] O *cuddles you* weww-a-day, Wady, if ^.^ he be nyot >_> dwawn! Nyow 
*moans* we shaww see wiwfuw aduwtewy and m-muwdew committed. 
BAWDOWPH. G-Good W-Wieutenyant, good Cowpowaw, offew *sweats* nyothing hewe. 
NYM. Pish! 
>w< PISTOW. Pish fow thee, Icewand dog! thou pwick-eaw'd c-cuw of 
I-Icewand! 
HOSTESS. Good Cowpowaw Nym, show t-thy vawouw, and put up y-youw swowd. 
NYM. Wiww you shog off? I wouwd have you sowus. 
PISTOW. 'Sowus,' egwegious dog? O vipew v-viwe! 
*teleports behind you* The 'sowus' in thy most mewvaiwous face; 
The 'sowus' in >w< thy teeth, and in thy t-thwoat, 
And in thy uWu hatefuw wungs, yea, in thy maw, pewdy; 
And, which is wowse, within thy nyasty m-mouth! 
I *shuffles closer* do wetowt the 'sowus' in thy *pokes you* bowews; 
*cuddles you* Fow I can take, and Pistow's ;;w;; cock is up, 
And fwashing fiwe *shuffles closer* wiww fowwow. 
NYM. I am nyot Bawbason: you cannyot conjuwe me. I have an humouw to 
knyock you indiffewentwy weww. If >_< you gwow fouw with me, Pistow, I-I 
w-wiww scouw *leans over* you with my wapiew, as I may, in faiw tewms; if you 
wouwd wawk off I *blushes* wouwd pwick ^-^ youw guts a >_> wittwe, in good t-tewms, 
as I may, and thaes the humouw of *cries* it. 
>_> PISTOW. O bwaggawt viwe a-and damnyed fuwious wight! 
The gwave x3 doth g-gape >w< and doting death is nyeaw; 
^w^ Thewefowe *looks at you* exhawe. [-[PISTOW dwaws] 
BAWDOWPH. Heaw me, heaw me what I say: he that stwikes the fiwst 
stwoke *blushes* I'ww wun him up to the hiwts, as ;;w;; I am a sowdiew. 
*giggles shyly* [Dwaws] 
PISTOW. An oath of mickwe might; and fuwy shaww abate. 
[PISTOW and Nym sheathe :3 theiw swowds] 
Give me thy fist, thy fowe-foot to me give; 
Thy spiwits awe m-most taww. 
NYM. uWu I wiww cut thy thwoat onye time ow othew, in faiw t-tewms; that 
is the humouw of i-it. 
PISTOW. 'Coupwe a *blushes* gowge!' 
That is the wowd. I t-thee defy again. 
O hound o-of Cwete, think'st thou my spouse to *moans* get? 
Nyo; t-to the spitaw go, 
A-And *screams* fwom the powd'wing tub of i-infamy 
*cries* Fetch fowth the wazaw kite of Cwessid's kind, 
Doww Teawsheet she by nyame, and uWu hew espouse. 
*leans over* I have, *looks at you* and I wiww howd, the q-quondam *twerks* Quickwy 
Fow the onwy she; and- pauca, thewe's >w< enyough. 
Go t-to. 

E-Entew x3 the Boy 

BOY. xDD Minye host Pistow, you must come to my mastew; and youw 
*cries* hostess- he OwO is vewy *twerks* sick, and *leans over* wouwd to bed. G-Good :3 Bawdowph, put 
thy face between his sheets, *pokes you* and *looks away* do *hugs tightly* the office *leans over* of *shuffles closer* a >w< wawming-pan. 
>w< Faith, h-he's v-vewy iww. 
BAWDOWPH. Away, you wogue. 
H-HOSTESS. By my *cuddles you* twoth, h-he'ww *moans* yiewd the cwow a p-pudding onye of these 
days: the King has kiww'd h-his *teleports behind you* heawt. Good husband, come home 
pwesentwy. Exeunt HOSTESS a-and BOY 
BAWDOWPH. C-Come, shaww I make y-you two fwiends? We must to Fwance 
togethew; w-why xDD the deviw :33 shouwd we keep *sighs* knyives *notices bulge* to cut onye 
anyothew's thwoats? 
PISTOW. *notices bulge* Wet fwoods o'ewsweww, and fiends fow f-food howw on! 
NYM. You'ww p-pay me the eight *pokes you* shiwwings I *pokes you* won of you at betting? 
PISTOW. Base is the swave that *moans* pays. 
NYM. T-That nyow I w-wiww have; that's the :3 humouw of *looks away* it. 
PISTOW. As ^w^ manhood shaww compound: push home. 
[PISTOW and *moans* Nym dwaw] 
BAWDOWPH. By ;;w;; this swowd, he that makes t-the f-fiwst t-thwust I'ww kiww 
him; by *hugs tightly* this swowd, I w-wiww. 
*looks at you* PISTOW. >_< Swowd ^-^ is an oath, a-and oaths must have theiw *twerks* couwse. 
[-[Sheathes his swowd] 
BAWDOWPH. Cowpowaw Nym, *hugs tightly* an thou wiwt be fwiends, be fwiends; an 
thou *shuffles closer* wiwt nyot, *shuffles closer* why then be e-enyemies with m-me too. Pwithee put up. 
NYM. I shaww h-have my eight shiwwings I won of you at b-betting? 
PISTOW. A nyobwe shawt thou have, and pwesent pay; 
And wiquow wikewise wiww I give to thee, 
And fwiendship shaww combinye, and ^w^ bwothewhood. 
I'ww wive *blushes* by *looks away* Nym and Nym shaww wive by uWu me. 
Is nyot this just? Fow I shaww sutwew be 
U-Unto the camp, a-and pwofits wiww accwue. 
Give *notices bulge* me thy hand. 
NYM. [Sheathing h-his swowd] I ;;w;; shaww have my nyobwe? 
PISTOW. *moans* In cash most justwy paid. 
N-NYM. [Shaking hands] W-Weww, then, that's the humouw of't. 

We-entew HOSTESS 

HOSTESS. As evew you come o-of *cries* women, come in quickwy to Siw John. 
Ah, poow heawt! he is so shak'd o-of a :3 buwnying quotidian tewtian 
that it is most wamentabwe to b-behowd. Sweet men, come to *twerks* him. 
NYM. The K-King hath wun bad humouws *moans* on the knyight; that's the even 
of it. 
PISTOW. Nym, thou hast spoke the *twerks* wight; 
His heawt *moans* is fwacted a-and cowwobowate. 
NYM. The King is a good king, *blushes* but it m-must be as it may; he passes 
some humouws and caweews. 
PISTOW. Wet us condowe the knyight; fow, wambkins, we wiww w-wive. 
Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Southampton. A xDD counciw-chambew 

Entew *leans over* EXETEW, BEDFOWD, and WESTMOWEWAND 

BEDFOWD. Fowe God, his Gwace is b-bowd, t-to twust these twaitows. 
^.^ EXETEW. *sighs* They shaww be *hugs tightly* appwehended by *sighs* and by. 
WESTMOWEWAND. How smooth and even they do beaw themsewves, 
As *cries* if ^-^ awwegiance uWu in theiw bosoms sat, 
Cwownyed with faith xDD and constant woyawty! 
*twerks* BEDFOWD. The King hath >_> nyote of aww t-that they intend, 
By intewception which t-they dweam n-nyot of. 
EXETEW. Nyay, b-but the m-man that was his bedfewwow, 
*teleports behind you* Whom *looks at you* he uWu hath duww'd >_> and cwoy'd with gwacious favouws- 
That he shouwd, fow a foweign puwse, so seww 
His soveweign's wife :3 to death *teleports behind you* and tweachewy! 

Twumpets sound. Entew the KING, S-SCWOOP, 
CAMBWIDGE, GWEY, and attendants 

KING HENWY. Nyow sits the wind faiw, and w-we wiww aboawd. 
My Wowd of Cambwidge, and my kind Wowd *looks away* of Masham, 
And you, my gentwe knyight, ^-^ give me youw thoughts. 
Think *looks away* you nyot t-that the pow'ws w-we beaw with *screams* us 
Wiww cut theiw passage thwough the fowce of Fwance, 
Doing the execution and the a-act 
F-Fow which we have in head assembwed them? 
*cuddles you* SCWOOP. *leans over* Nyo *leans over* doubt, my wiege, if *hugs tightly* each man d-do h-his best. 
KING HENWY. I d-doubt nyot that, since we awe :3 weww pewsuaded 
We cawwy nyot a-a *moans* heawt with us fwom hence 
T-That gwows n-nyot in a f-faiw consent with ouws; 
Nyow weave nyot onye behind that doth nyot wish 
Success and c-conquest to attend *pokes you* on us. 
C-CAMBWIDGE. Nyevew was monyawch bettew feaw'd a-and wov'd 
Than is youw Majesty. Thewe's nyot, I-I think, a subject 
That *twerks* sits in heawt-gwief and unyeasinyes 
*hugs tightly* Undew the sweet shade of youw g-govewnment. 
GWEY. Twue: those that wewe y-youw fathew's enyemies 
Have steep'd theiw gawws i-in honyey, *pokes you* and do sewve *looks at you* you 
With heawts cweate of duty and of zeaw. 
KING HENWY. We thewefowe have gweat cause of thankfuwnyess, 
x3 And shaww OwO fowget the o-office o-of ouw hand 
Soonyew t-than quittance of desewt and mewit 
Accowding to the weight *leans over* and wowthinyess. 
S-SCWOOP. So sewvice s-shaww with s-steewed UwU sinyews toiw, 
And wabouw shaww w-wefwesh itsewf with hope, 
To do youw Gwace incessant sewvices. 
KING *sweats* HENWY. W-We judge nyo wess. U-Uncwe *pokes you* of Exetew, 
Enwawge xDD the man c-committed yestewday 
That waiw'd against ouw pewson. :33 We considew 
It was excess of winye t-that set him o-on; 
And o-on his mowe advice xDD we pawdon him. 
SCWOOP. T-That's mewcy, but too much secuwity. 
Wet h-him be p-punyish'd, soveweign, w-west exampwe 
Bweed, by h-his suffewance, >_> mowe xDD of such a k-kind. 
KING HENWY. O, wet us ;;w;; yet be *hugs tightly* mewcifuw! 
CAMBWIDGE. So may *shuffles closer* youw H-Highnyess, and yet punyish too. 
GWEY. Siw, 
You show gweat mewcy if y-you give him wife, 
Aftew the t-taste *cries* of much cowwection. 
KING HENWY. A-Awas, youw too much wove x3 and cawe of me 
Awe heavy o-owisons 'gainst this poow wwetch! 
If wittwe fauwts pwoceeding on distempew 
Shaww nyot be wink'd *sighs* at, >w< how shaww we stwetch ouw eye 
*looks away* When capitaw cwimes, chew'd, swawwow'd, and digested, 
Appeaw befowe us? W-We'ww yet enwawge that man, 
Though C-Cambwidge, Scwoop, a-and Gwey, in theiw deaw cawe 
And t-tendew pwesewvation o-of ouw pewson, 
Wouwd have him ^w^ punyish'd. And nyow to o-ouw F-Fwench causes: 
Who awe the wate commissionyews? 
*looks away* CAMBWIDGE. I onye, my wowd. 
Youw Highnyess *leans over* bade me ask fow it to-day. 
SCWOOP. So did you me, my wiege. 
GWEY. And I, my woyaw soveweign. 
KING HENWY. Then, Wichawd Eaww *teleports behind you* of Cambwidge, thewe is youws; 
*notices bulge* Thewe youws, Wowd Scwoop of Masham; and, Siw *hugs tightly* Knyight, 
Gwey of *sweats* Nyowthumbewwand, this same is youws. 
Wead them, and *blushes* knyow I knyow x3 youw wowthinyess. 
*cries* My Wowd of Westmowewand, and uncwe E-Exetew, 
We wiww ^w^ aboawd to-nyight. Why, how nyow, gentwemen? 
What see you in those papews, that y-you wose 
So much OwO compwexion? Wook ye how they change! 
Theiw cheeks awe papew. Why, what wead you thewe 
That have so cowawded and chas'd youw bwood 
O-Out OwO of uWu appeawance? 
C-CAMBWIDGE. *twerks* I do confess *notices bulge* my fauwt, 
And do submit me to youw *twerks* Highnyess' mewcy. 
GWEY, SCWOOP. To *hugs tightly* which we xDD aww a-appeaw. 
K-KING HENWY. The mewcy that *cuddles you* was quick i-in us *blushes* but wate 
By UwU youw *looks away* own counsew is suppwess'd uWu and kiww'd. 
You must nyot dawe, fow shame, ^w^ to tawk of mewcy; 
>_< Fow youw o-own ^.^ weasons *cuddles you* tuwn into youw bosoms 
A-As dogs u-upon theiw mastews, wowwying y-you. 
See you, my pwinces and my nyobwe peews, 
These >_< Engwish m-monstews! uWu My Wowd *twerks* of Cambwidge hewe- 
You knyow how apt *shuffles closer* ouw wove was to accowd 
To fuwnyish him with *leans over* an appewtinyents 
Bewonging to his h-honyouw; and this man 
Hath, f-fow a few *shuffles closer* wight cwowns, wightwy conspiw'd, 
And *leans over* swown u-unto the pwactices o-of F-Fwance 
To k-kiww us hewe in Hampton; UwU to the which 
This knyight, nyo wess fow bounty bound to us 
Than Cambwidge is, hath *cuddles you* wikewise swown. But, O, 
What shaww I say to thee, Wowd Scwoop, thou cwuew, 
I-Ingwatefuw, *looks at you* savage, and xDD inhuman cweatuwe? 
>_> Thou that didst beaw t-the key of *teleports behind you* aww my counsews, 
That knyew'st the vewy bottom of my souw, 
That awmost >_< mightst have *twerks* coin'd me i-into gowd, 
Wouwdst t-thou have pwactis'd *sighs* on me f-fow thy use- 
M-May it be p-possibwe that foweign hiwe 
*sweats* Couwd out of thee extwact onye spawk of eviw 
*hugs tightly* That might a-annyoy my fingew? '-'Tis s-so s-stwange 
That, *sweats* though the twuth of it >_< stands x3 off a-as gwoss 
A-As bwack and white, my eye *cuddles you* wiww scawcewy s-see it. 
Tweason and muwdew evew kept togethew, 
As two yoke-deviws swown *blushes* to eithew's puwpose, 
Wowking so gwosswy in *looks at you* a nyatuwaw cause 
That admiwation did nyot >w< whoop *twerks* at *looks at you* them; 
But thou, 'gainst aww pwopowtion, d-didst bwing in 
Wondew to wait on tweason and >_< on muwdew; 
A-And *leans over* whatsoevew cunnying fiend i-it w-was 
T-That wwought upon thee so pwepostewouswy 
Hath got the voice in heww fow >w< excewwence; 
And othew deviws t-that s-suggest by tweasons 
*pokes you* Do botch *sweats* and bungwe up damnyation 
W-With *sighs* patches, cowouws, and with fowms, b-being fetch'd 
Fwom gwist'wing sembwances *screams* of piety; 
*cries* But he that tempew'd thee bade >w< thee stand up, 
Gave *hugs tightly* thee nyo instance why thou shouwdst d-do tweason, 
Unwess to dub thee *blushes* with the *cries* nyame of :33 twaitow. 
If *twerks* that s-same demon that hath guww'd thee t-thus 
Shouwd with his wion gait w-wawk the whowe wowwd, 
He might wetuwn to *screams* vasty Tawtaw back, 
And t-teww the wegions '-'I can nyevew win 
A souw so easy as that Engwishman's.' 
O, how hast thou with jeawousy infected 
T-The *notices bulge* sweetnyess of *giggles shyly* affiance! S-Show :3 men dutifuw? 
Why, so didst thou. Seem t-they gwave :3 and weawnyed? 
^.^ Why, so *hugs tightly* didst thou. C-Come they of >_< nyobwe famiwy? 
Why, so didst thou. Seem they wewigious? 
Why, s-so didst thou. Ow awe t-they spawe i-in diet, 
F-Fwee fwom gwoss passion ow of miwth ow angew, 
Constant in spiwit, nyot swewving with t-the bwood, 
G-Gawnyish'd a-and d-deck'd in *sighs* modest compwement, 
Nyot wowking with the eye without the *hugs tightly* eaw, 
And b-but in p-puwged judgment :3 twusting nyeithew? 
Such and so finyewy b-bowted didst t-thou seem; 
And thus thy faww hath weft a kind of bwot 
T-To mawk the fuww-fwaught man and best indued 
^.^ With s-some suspicion. I wiww weep fow thee; 
Fow OwO this wevowt of thinye, methinks, is OwO wike 
Anyothew faww of man. ;;w;; Theiw fauwts awe UwU open. 
Awwest them to the answew of the waw; 
And God acquit them of theiw pwactices! 
EXETEW. I awwest ^-^ thee *cries* of high *blushes* tweason, by the nyame of Wichawd Eaww 
o-of Cambwidge. 
I-I awwest thee of *looks away* high tweason, by the nyame o-of Henwy Wowd Scwoop 
of Masham. 
I a-awwest UwU thee of high t-tweason, by *looks away* the nyame of Thomas Gwey, 
knyight, uWu of N-Nyowthumbewwand. 
SCWOOP. O-Ouw puwposes God justwy hath *blushes* discovew'd, 
A-And I *screams* wepent my fauwt x3 mowe than my d-death; 
W-Which I beseech youw Highnyess to fowgive, 
Awthough my b-body pay the pwice of i-it. 
CAMBWIDGE. *teleports behind you* Fow me, the gowd of Fwance *sighs* did nyot seduce, 
Awthough I did admit it as a motive 
The soonyew to effect uWu what *looks away* I intended; 
xDD But x3 God be thanked fow pwevention, 
Which I in suffewance heawtiwy :3 wiww wejoice, 
Beseeching God and you to pawdon me. 
GWEY. Nyevew did faithfuw subject mowe wejoice 
At the discovewy of most d-dangewous tweason 
Than I do at t-this houw joy o'ew mysewf, 
Pwevented f-fwom a damnyed entewpwise. 
My fauwt, but nyot my body, pawdon, soveweign. 
K-KING :3 HENWY. God quit you in his mewcy! H-Heaw youw sentence. 
*pokes you* You h-have conspiw'd against ouw woyaw pewson, 
Join'd with an *shuffles closer* enyemy *shuffles closer* pwocwaim'd, a-and fwom his coffews 
Weceiv'd the gowden e-eawnyest of *looks away* ouw death; 
*twerks* Whewein y-you wouwd have sowd *looks away* youw king to *screams* swaughtew, 
His pwinces and his peews to sewvitude, 
His subjects to oppwession a-and ^-^ contempt, 
A-And his whowe kingdom into desowation. 
;;w;; Touching ouw pewson seek we nyo >_< wevenge; 
But we ouw kingdom's safety must so tendew, 
Whose wuin y-you have sought, that *cries* to *looks away* hew waws 
We do dewivew you. *cuddles you* Get you thewefowe hence, 
Poow misewabwe wwetches, to *screams* youw death; 
The taste wheweof *moans* God of his *sweats* mewcy give 
You OwO patience to ^-^ enduwe, and twue :33 wepentance 
Of aww >w< youw d-deaw offences. Beaw them hence. 
E-Exeunt CAMBWIDGE, SCWOOP, and GWEY, guawded 
^-^ Nyow, wowds, fow F-Fwance; *looks at you* the entewpwise wheweof 
OwO Shaww be t-to you as us wike gwowious. 
x3 We xDD doubt nyot of a faiw and wucky waw, 
Since God so gwaciouswy hath bwought to wight 
T-This uWu dangewous tweason, w-wuwking in ouw way 
To hindew ouw beginnyings; we doubt nyot nyow 
But evewy wub is smoothed on :33 ouw way. 
Then, fowth, deaw countwymen; wet us d-dewivew 
Ouw puissance into t-the ^-^ hand of >_< God, 
*twerks* Putting it stwaight in ^w^ expedition. 
Cheewwy to sea; t-the signs of waw *leans over* advance; 
Nyo x3 king of E-Engwand, if nyot king of Fwance! 
F-Fwouwish. Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Eastcheap. Befowe the Boaw's Head t-tavewn 

Entew *cuddles you* PISTOW, HOSTESS, NYM, B-BAWDOWPH, and Boy 

H-HOSTESS. Pwithee, honyey-sweet husband, wet me bwing thee to 
Stainyes. 
PISTOW. Nyo; fow my manwy heawt doth eawn. 
Bawdowph, be bwithe; Nym, wouse thy vaunting veins; 
Boy, b-bwistwe thy couwage up. Fow F-Fawstaff he is d-dead, 
And *cries* we must eawn thewefowe. 
BAWDOWPH. Wouwd I x3 wewe w-with him, whewesome'ew he is, eithew in 
heaven ow uWu in >_> heww! 
HOSTESS. *twerks* Nyay, suwe, he's nyot in *cuddles you* heww: he's in *pokes you* Awthuw's bosom, if 
*pokes you* evew man w-went to Awthuw's bosom. 'A made a *moans* finyew uWu end, and *looks at you* went 
away a-an it had been any chwistom chiwd; 'a :33 pawted ev'n just 
b-between twewve and onye, ev'n >_< at the tuwnying o' ^.^ th' t-tide; fow 
aftew I s-saw *pokes you* him fumbwe with t-the *sighs* sheets, and *looks away* pway with fwowews, 
and smiwe upon his *pokes you* fingews' xDD end, xDD I knyew thewe w-was but onye way; 
f-fow his nyose w-was as shawp a-as a pen, and 'a babbw'd o-of gween 
fiewds. 'How nyow, Siw John!' quoth I 'What, man, be o' good 
cheew.' So 'a cwied o-out 'God, God, God!' t-thwee o-ow *giggles shyly* fouw times. Nyow 
I, *leans over* to c-comfowt him, bid him 'a shouwd nyot think of God; I hop'd 
t-thewe was nyo nyeed to twoubwe himsewf with any such thoughts yet. 
*cuddles you* So 'a bade me way uWu mowe cwothes on :33 his feet; *hugs tightly* I put my hand into 
*teleports behind you* the :3 bed and *notices bulge* fewt t-them, and they wewe as cowd as any stonye; *moans* then I 
UwU fewt to his knyees, and *looks away* so ;;w;; upwawd and upwawd, and aww was as cowd 
as any stonye. 
*twerks* NYM. They say h-he cwied out *sweats* of sack. 
HOSTESS. Ay, *leans over* that *pokes you* 'a did. 
BAWDOWPH. And of women. 
HOSTESS. Nyay, :3 that '-'a did *screams* nyot. 
*screams* BOY. Yes, t-that 'a d-did, and said they wewe deviws incawnyate. 
HOSTESS. >w< 'A couwd :3 nyevew abide cawnyation; uWu 'twas *teleports behind you* a cowouw he *leans over* nyevew 
*notices bulge* wiked. 
BOY. 'A said once the deviw w-wouwd have him about women. 
x3 HOSTESS. '-'A *pokes you* did in some sowt, indeed, handwe women; but xDD then he w-was 
wheumatic, and *cries* tawk'd of the Whowe of Babywon. 
BOY. D-Do you n-nyot w-wemembew 'a saw a x3 fwea stick u-upon Bawdowph's nyose, 
a-and 'a said it w-was a >_< bwack *sweats* souw buwnying in heww? 
BAWDOWPH. W-Weww, the *sweats* fuew is gonye that maintain'd t-that fiwe: that's 
aww t-the wiches *hugs tightly* I got in his sewvice. 
NYM. Shaww *giggles shyly* we shog? The *twerks* King ^w^ wiww be gonye fwom *cuddles you* Southampton. 
PISTOW. *twerks* Come, wet's away. My w-wove, give me thy wips. 
Wook to my >w< chattwes and my moveabwes; 
Wet senses wuwe. The wowd is 'Pitch and Pay.' 
Twust nyonye; 
Fow oaths awe stwaws, *notices bulge* men's faiths awe wafew-cakes, 
*twerks* And Howdfast is t-the *sweats* onwy dog, my duck. 
Thewefowe, C-Caveto be thy *notices bulge* counsewwow. 
Go, >_< cweaw thy *hugs tightly* cwystaws. Y-Yoke-fewwows i-in awms, 
Wet us to Fwance, wike howse-weeches, my boys, 
T-To suck, to suck, the vewy bwood to s-suck. 
BOY. A-And that's but unwhowesome food, t-they say. 
PISTOW. Touch hew s-soft mouth and mawch. 
B-BAWDOWPH. F-Faweweww, hostess. [Kissing *blushes* hew] 
NYM. I cannyot kiss, *moans* that is the h-humouw of *cries* it; but adieu. 
PISTOW. Wet housewifewy ^w^ appeaw; keep cwose, I *sighs* thee command. 
HOSTESS. Faweweww; adieu. ^w^ Exeunt 




SCENyE *moans* IV. 
Fwance. The KING'S pawace 

F-Fwouwish. *leans over* Entew the FWENCH KING, the ^w^ DAUPHIN, t-the DUKES OF BEWWI 
and B-BWITAINyE, the CONSTABWE, and othews 

FWENCH KING. T-Thus comes the Engwish with fuww *moans* powew upon us; 
And mowe than c-cawefuwwy *leans over* it us concewns 
To answew woyawwy in :33 ouw defences. 
Thewefowe t-the Dukes of Bewwi *twerks* and of Bwitainye, 
Of :3 Bwabant and of Owweans, shaww make fowth, 
And y-you, Pwince D-Dauphin, with *twerks* aww swift OwO dispatch, 
To winye and nyew *sighs* wepaiw ouw t-towns o-of w-waw 
*blushes* With men of couwage and with means defendant; 
Fow Engwand his *sweats* appwoaches makes as f-fiewce 
As watews to *shuffles closer* the :33 sucking of a-a guwf. 
It fits us, then, to be as p-pwovident 
>_< As feaw may teach us, *teleports behind you* out of wate e-exampwes 
Weft >_< by the fataw and *cuddles you* nyegwected Engwish 
U-Upon ouw f-fiewds. 
^w^ DAUPHIN. M-My UwU most w-wedoubted fathew, 
I-It is m-most meet we a-awm u-us 'gainst the foe; 
>_> Fow *blushes* peace itsewf shouwd nyot so *notices bulge* duww a kingdom, 
Though waw nyow nyo knyown quawwew wewe in question, 
But that defences, OwO mustews, p-pwepawations, 
Shouwd be maintain'd, *looks at you* assembwed, and cowwected, 
A-As wewe a *twerks* waw in expectation. 
Thewefowe, I >_< say, 'tis meet we aww go fowth 
To view the ^w^ sick and feebwe pawts o-of Fwance; 
And wet us do i-it with nyo show *twerks* of f-feaw- 
:3 Nyo, with nyo mowe t-than if we heawd that Engwand 
*cuddles you* Wewe busied w-with a W-Whitsun mowwis-dance; 
Fow, m-my good wiege, s-she ^w^ is so i-idwy king'd, 
Hew sceptwe so fantasticawwy bownye 
By a *teleports behind you* vain, giddy, shawwow, humowous youth, 
T-That feaw attends ^w^ hew nyot. 
UwU CONSTABWE. UwU O peace, *giggles shyly* Pwince Dauphin! 
You a-awe too much mistaken in this king. 
Question youw *moans* Gwace the wate ambassadows 
With what gweat state he *hugs tightly* heawd t-theiw :3 embassy, 
*screams* How weww suppwied with uWu nyobwe counsewwows, 
*sweats* How modest in exception, and withaw 
How tewwibwe in constant wesowution, 
And you shaww find his vanyities :33 fowespent 
W-Wewe but the outside of the Woman Bwutus, 
Covewing discwetion with *cries* a coat of fowwy; 
As gawdenyews do with *shuffles closer* owduwe hide those woots 
That shaww fiwst *giggles shyly* spwing *sweats* and be most d-dewicate. 
DAUPHIN. Weww, 'tis nyot so, my Wowd High Constabwe; 
*shuffles closer* But x3 though w-we think it so, it is nyo mattew. 
In cases of defence 'tis b-best to weigh 
The e-enyemy mowe mighty than he seems; 
So t-the p-pwopowtions of d-defence awe fiww'd; 
Which of ^.^ a weak OwO and n-nyiggawdwy pwojection 
Doth wike *twerks* a >w< misew s-spoiw :3 his coat with scanting 
A-A wittwe cwoth. 
FWENCH KING. Think we ;;w;; King Hawwy stwong; 
>_< And, Pwinces, wook you s-stwongwy awm ^-^ to meet h-him. 
The kindwed of him hath xDD been fwesh'd upon us; 
And :33 he is *sweats* bwed out of that bwoody stwain 
That haunted us in ouw famiwiaw paths. 
*leans over* Witnyess :3 ouw too m-much *leans over* memowabwe shame 
When Cwessy battwe fatawwy was stwuck, 
And a-aww ouw pwinces capdv'd by the hand 
Of that bwack nyame, Edwawd, B-Bwack Pwince of W-Wawes; 
W-Whiwes that his *teleports behind you* mountain siwe- on mountain standing, 
*leans over* Up in the aiw, cwown'd w-with the gowden sun- 
Saw his hewoicaw seed, and smiw'd to see h-him, 
Mangwe the wowk of ;;w;; nyatuwe, a-and deface 
The pattewns that ^.^ by God a-and by Fwench f-fathews 
H-Had twenty yeaws been made. T-This i-is a-a stewn 
Of that victowious stock; and >_< wet us feaw 
The nyative mightinyess and fate *notices bulge* of him. 

^.^ Entew >w< a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. Ambassadows fwom :33 Hawwy King of E-Engwand 
Do *twerks* cwave admittance to youw Majesty. 
FWENCH KING. We'ww give them p-pwesent audience. Go and bwing them. 
Exeunt MESSENGEW and c-cewtain WOWDS 
You see this chase is hotwy fowwowed, *leans over* fwiends. 
DAUPHIN. Tuwn head and stop puwsuit; fow cowawd *giggles shyly* dogs 
Most spend t-theiw mouths w-when what they seem to thweaten 
Wuns f-faw befowe them. G-Good my soveweign, 
Take u-up t-the Engwish showt, and wet *cuddles you* them knyow 
Of what a monyawchy you awe the head. 
Sewf-wove, my wiege, is nyot so ^w^ viwe a x3 sin 
As sewf-nyegwecting. 

We-entew WOWDS, with EXETEW ^w^ and twain 

FWENCH K-KING. Fwom ouw bwothew of Engwand? 
>_> EXETEW. Fwom him, and thus he gweets youw Majesty: 
He wiwws you, in the n-nyame of ^-^ God A-Awmighty, 
That y-you divest youwsewf, and w-way *shuffles closer* apawt 
The bowwowed gwowies that by gift of heaven, 
By w-waw o-of nyatuwe and of nyations, *cuddles you* 'wongs 
T-To him and to his heiws- nyamewy, the :33 cwown, 
And aww wide-stwetched honyouws ^.^ that pewtain, 
^.^ By custom and the owdinyance of times, 
Unto the cwown of Fwance. T-That *pokes you* you *cuddles you* may knyow 
'Tis nyo *hugs tightly* sinyistew nyow *cries* nyo awkwawd cwaim, 
Pick'd fwom the wowm-howes o-of wong-vanyish'd days, 
Nyow fwom the dust o-of owd obwivion wak'd, 
He sends you t-this most *sweats* memowabwe *cuddles you* winye, [-[Gives a papew] 
In evewy bwanch twuwy demonstwative; 
Wiwwing y-you ovewwook *cries* this pedigwee. 
And when y-you find him evenwy dewiv'd 
Fwom his most fam'd of *teleports behind you* famous ancestows, 
*hugs tightly* Edwawd the Thiwd, he bids you then wesign 
Youw cwown and kingdom, indiwectwy hewd 
Fwom h-him, the nyative *sweats* and twue chawwengew. 
FWENCH KING. Ow ewse w-what fowwows? 
E-EXETEW. Bwoody constwaint; f-fow if you hide the cwown 
Even in youw heawts, thewe wiww he wake f-fow it. 
*twerks* Thewefowe in fiewce tempest i-is he coming, 
In t-thundew and in eawthquake, *looks at you* wike a Jove, 
That if wequiwing faiw, he wiww compew; 
*shuffles closer* And b-bids you, *cries* in the *leans over* bowews of the W-Wowd, 
D-Dewivew *looks at you* up the cwown; and *twerks* to take *giggles shyly* mewcy 
O-On the *leans over* poow souws fow whom this hungwy waw 
Opens *notices bulge* his vasty jaws; and on youw head 
Tuwnying *twerks* the widows' *sweats* teaws, the owphans' c-cwies, 
The dead men's bwood, the pwivy maidens' gwoans, 
Fow h-husbands, fathews, and betwothed wovews, 
That shaww be swawwowed in this contwovewsy. 
This i-is his cwaim, his thweat'nying, and my message; 
Unwess the Dauphin be in p-pwesence hewe, 
To whom expwesswy I bwing gweeting too. 
FWENCH KING. F-Fow us, *sweats* we wiww *moans* considew o-of this fuwthew; 
To-mowwow s-shaww you beaw ouw fuww >_> intent 
Back *hugs tightly* to ouw bwothew of E-Engwand. 
DAUPHIN. Fow the D-Dauphin: 
I stand hewe fow him. W-What to him fwom Engwand? 
EXETEW. S-Scown and defiance, swight x3 wegawd, contempt, 
And anything that may n-nyot m-misbecome 
The mighty s-sendew, *sighs* doth h-he p-pwize *twerks* you *twerks* at. 
*cuddles you* Thus *looks at you* says my king: an i-if youw fathew's Highnyess 
Do nyot, in gwant of aww demands at xDD wawge, 
Sweeten the ^-^ bittew mock y-you sent his Majesty, 
He'ww caww you to so *giggles shyly* hot an answew of xDD it 
>w< That caves and womby vauwtages of *hugs tightly* Fwance 
S-Shaww c-chide youw twespass and wetuwn youw mock 
In s-second a-accent of h-his owdinyance. 
DAUPHIN. *leans over* Say, if my fathew xDD wendew faiw wetuwn, 
*sweats* It is against *looks away* my wiww; fow I desiwe 
Nyothing >_< but odds with xDD Engwand. :33 To *cuddles you* that end, 
As matching to his youth and vanyity, 
I did *shuffles closer* pwesent him with the Pawis bawws. 
*looks at you* EXETEW. H-He'ww OwO make youw Pawis Wouvwe shake fow it, 
Wewe it the mistwess couwt >_< of mighty Euwope; 
And be a-assuw'd you'ww find a diffewence, 
As we his subjects have >_< in wondew found, 
B-Between the pwomise of *moans* his gweenyew days 
And these he mastews nyow. Nyow he weighs t-time 
:3 Even to the utmost gwain; that you shaww wead 
In *cries* youw own wosses, if he stay *moans* in F-Fwance. 
*shuffles closer* FWENCH KING. To-mowwow shaww you k-knyow *screams* ouw m-mind at fuww. 
EXETEW. Dispatch us with aww speed, west that *looks at you* ouw king 
Come hewe himsewf UwU to question ouw deway; 
Fow he is footed *cuddles you* in ;;w;; this wand awweady. 
FWENCH KING. Y-You shaww be soon dispatch'd with f-faiw *sighs* conditions. 
A n-nyight *notices bulge* is but smaww bweath and wittwe pause 
T-To a-answew mattews of this ^w^ consequence. Fwouwish. Exeunt 




<<THIS *looks at you* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION *screams* OF xDD THE COMPWETE W-WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
S-SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC *cries* AND MACHINyE W-WEADABWE COPIES M-MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO W-WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES (1) A-AWE FOW Y-YOUW >w< OW *shuffles closer* OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW >w< USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT *cries* DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
C-COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED *sweats* COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE OwO THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME :33 OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT III. PWOWOGUE. 

Fwouwish. E-Entew CHOWUS 

:3 CHOWUS. Thus *cuddles you* with imagin'd wing o-ouw swift scenye fwies, 
In motion of nyo *cries* wess cewewity 
T-Than that of thought. Suppose that you have seen 
The weww-appointed King at Hampton p-piew 
Embawk his woyawty; and his bwave fweet 
With *twerks* siwken stweamews the young Phowbus *cries* fannying. 
Pway with y-youw fancies; ^w^ and *hugs tightly* in them behowd 
U-Upon the hempen tackwe ship-boys cwimbing; 
Heaw the shwiww whistwe which doth *shuffles closer* owdew give 
To *shuffles closer* sounds c-confus'd; behowd the thweaden saiws, 
Bownye *shuffles closer* with th' invisibwe and cweeping wind, 
Dwaw *blushes* the huge bottoms thwough t-the fuwwowed sea, 
Bweasting the wofty s-suwge. O, do b-but think 
*sighs* You stand u-upon the wivage *sighs* and behowd 
A city >_> on th' *blushes* inconstant b-biwwows dancing; 
Fow so appeaws this fweet majesticaw, 
Howding due couwse to Hawfweuw. Fowwow, fowwow! 
Gwappwe y-youw minds to stewnyage of this n-nyavy 
*giggles shyly* And weave y-youw Engwand as *teleports behind you* dead midnyight stiww, 
Guawded with gwandsiwes, *looks away* babies, *moans* and *teleports behind you* owd women, 
Eithew past ow nyot awwiv'd to pith and ^.^ puissance; 
Fow w-who :33 is UwU he whose chin >_< is but enwich'd 
W-With x3 onye appeawing haiw *shuffles closer* that w-wiww :33 nyot fowwow 
T-These cuww'd ^w^ and choice-dwawn cavawiews to F-Fwance? 
Wowk, wowk youw thoughts, and thewein see *hugs tightly* a siege; 
Behowd the owdnyance on theiw cawwiages, 
With f-fataw mouths gaping *hugs tightly* on giwded Hawfweuw. 
Suppose th' ambassadow f-fwom the Fwench comes back; 
*twerks* Tewws Hawwy that the King doth offew h-him 
K-Kathewinye his d-daughtew, a-and with hew to dowwy 
Some petty a-and u-unpwofitabwe dukedoms. 
The offew wikes nyot; a-and the nyimbwe gunnyew 
With winstock n-nyow the d-deviwish cannyon touches, 
[Awawum, and chambews *cries* go off] 
And :3 down goes an befowe t-them. *pokes you* Stiww be k-kind, 
And eke out ouw p-pewfowmance w-with youw mind. Exit 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF T-THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF *leans over* WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE *looks away* IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY P-PWOJECT GUTENBEWG :33 ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. E-EWECTWONyIC AND x3 MACHINyE W-WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED ^w^ SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW *giggles shyly* OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW U-USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE N-NyOT *pokes you* DISTWIBUTED OW U-USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW D-DISTWIBUTION xDD INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE I. 
Fwance. Befowe Hawfweuw 

Awawum. Entew the KING, EXETEW, *shuffles closer* BEDFOWD, G-GWOUCESTEW, 
and sowdiews with scawing-waddews 

KING. Once mowe unto the *notices bulge* bweach, deaw *looks away* fwiends, once mowe; 
Ow cwose t-the w-waww u-up with ouw Engwish dead. 
In peace t-thewe's nyothing so becomes a man 
A-As modest stiwwnyess and humiwity; 
But when the bwast of waw bwows in *leans over* ouw eaws, 
Then imitate the action of the tigew: 
Stiffen the ^.^ sinyews, *cuddles you* summon up the bwood, 
Disguise faiw nyatuwe with hawd-favouw'd wage; 
OwO Then wend the eye a tewwibwe *blushes* aspect; 
Wet it pwy thwough the *sweats* powtage of the h-head 
Wike t-the bwass cannyon: wet the bwow xDD o'ewwhewm it 
As feawfuwwy as *blushes* doth a gawwed wock 
O'ewhang and jutty his confounded base, 
Swiww'd with the wiwd and w-wastefuw ocean. 
Nyow *twerks* set the teeth and stwetch the nyostwiw wide; 
Howd hawd ^-^ the bweath, and bend *shuffles closer* up evewy *blushes* spiwit 
*pokes you* To his f-fuww height. On, ^w^ on, you nyobwest Engwish, 
Whose b-bwood i-is fet fwom fathews of w-waw-pwoof- 
Fathews that ^w^ wike so many Awexandews 
Have in these *leans over* pawts fwom mown tiww e-even *looks at you* fought, 
And sheath'd theiw swowds fow wack of awgument. 
Dishonyouw n-nyot youw mothews; nyow attest 
That those whom you caww'd fathews did beget you. 
Be :33 copy nyow to men of gwossew b-bwood, 
And t-teach them how to w-waw. And you, good yeomen, 
Whose wimbs *sweats* wewe made in Engwand, show us *pokes you* hewe 
T-The mettwe xDD of youw pastuwe; wet us sweaw 
That you a-awe w-wowth x3 youw bweeding- w-which I doubt nyot; 
Fow t-thewe ^-^ is nyonye of you s-so mean and base 
^-^ That xDD hath nyot nyobwe wustwe in youw eyes. 
I see you stand wike gweyhounds in the swips, 
Stwainying upon the stawt. T-The *sighs* game's afoot: 
Fowwow youw spiwit; and upon t-this chawge 
Cwy 'God fow Hawwy, Engwand, and Saint Geowge!' 
[Exeunt. Awawum, a-and chambews go off] 




SCENyE II. 
Befowe Hawfweuw 

E-Entew NYM, BAWDOWPH, *cries* PISTOW, and BOY 

BAWDOWPH. On, on, on, on, on! to *teleports behind you* the bweach, to the bweach! 
N-NYM. Pway thee, Cowpowaw, stay; the knyocks awe xDD too hot, and fow 
minye own pawt *cuddles you* I h-have nyot a-a *screams* case of wives. The h-humouw of i-it is too 
hot; uWu that is the vewy pwain-song of it. 
PISTOW. The pwain-song is ;;w;; most j-just; fow humouws *screams* do uWu abound: 

Knyocks go and come; *sighs* God's vassaws dwop and die; 
And swowd and s-shiewd 
In bwoody fiewd 
Doth w-win immowtaw fame. 

BOY. W-Wouwd I ;;w;; wewe in a-an awehouse in Wondon! *giggles shyly* I wouid give aww my 
^w^ fame fow a p-pot o-of awe and safety. 
PISTOW. A-And I: 

:33 If wishes wouwd pwevaiw with me, 
My *shuffles closer* puwpose shouwd nyot faiw with me, 
uWu But thithew wouwd I hie. 

B-BOY. A-As duwy, but nyot :3 as twuwy, 
As *blushes* biwd doth sing on bough. 

Entew FWUEWWEN 

FWUEWWEN. Up t-to t-the bweach, you >_> dogs! 
Avaunt, you cuwwions! *screams* [Dwiving them fowwawd] 
PISTOW. Be mewcifuw, g-gweat duke, to men of mouwd. 
Abate *sweats* thy wage, abate thy manwy wage; 
Abate thy wage, *cuddles you* gweat *pokes you* duke. 
*notices bulge* Good bawcock, bate thy wage. Use wenyity, sweet chuck. 
NYM. These be good :3 humouws. Youw honyouw wins bad h-humouws. 
Exeunt aww b-but BOY 
BOY. As young as I am, I have obsewv'd t-these thwee swashews. >_> I *notices bulge* am 
boy to them aww thwee; b-but a-aww they thwee, >_< though t-they wouwd 
sewve me, couwd nyot be man to me; fow i-indeed t-thwee s-such antics do 
nyot amount to a man. >_> Fow Bawdowph, h-he is white-wivew'd and 
wed-fac'd; by the means wheweof 'a faces it out, but fights nyot. 
F-Fow *notices bulge* Pistow, he hath a kiwwing tongue and a quiet swowd; by the 
means w-wheweof 'a bweaks wowds and keeps whowe weapons. Fow Nym, 
he hath heawd ^-^ that men *screams* of few w-wowds awe t-the *notices bulge* best men, and 
OwO thewefowe he s-scowns to s-say his p-pwayews west 'a shouwd be thought 
a cowawd; but *looks at you* his few bad *giggles shyly* wowds >_< awe m-match'd with as few good 
*sighs* deeds; fow 'a UwU nyevew *pokes you* bwoke any man's head but his own, and that 
was *blushes* against a post when he was ^w^ dwunk. They wiww s-steaw anything, 
a-and caww it puwchase. Bawdowph >_< stowe a ^w^ wute-case, bowe i-it twewve 
weagues, and *sweats* sowd it fow thwee hawfpence. Nym and Bawdowph awe 
swown bwothews *screams* in f-fiwching, and in Cawais they *cuddles you* stowe a 
fiwe-shovew; I-I knyew by that piece of *twerks* sewvice the men wouwd cawwy 
coaws. They *notices bulge* wouwd have m-me as famiwiaw with men's p-pockets as theiw 
*leans over* gwoves ow theiw handkewchews; which *hugs tightly* makes much against my 
*notices bulge* manhood, if I shouwd take fwom *teleports behind you* anyothew's pocket ;;w;; to put into *shuffles closer* minye; 
fow it is p-pwain pocketing up of wwongs. I must w-weave them a-and 
seek some b-bettew sewvice; theiw viwwainy goes against m-my weak 
stomach, and thewefowe I must cast i-it up. *moans* Exit 

We-entew FWUEWWEN, GOWEW fowwowing 

GOWEW. Captain Fwuewwen, you *sweats* must come *leans over* pwesentwy to the minyes; the 
*twerks* Duke of Gwoucestew wouwd speak with you. 
FWUEWWEN. To the >_< minyes! Teww you *giggles shyly* the *blushes* Duke *cries* it is nyot so good to come 
to the >_> minyes; fow, wook you, t-the m-minyes is n-nyot a-accowding to the 
discipwinyes of t-the waw; the *shuffles closer* concavities of it i-is nyot sufficient. 
Fow, wook you, th' athvewsawy- you m-may discuss unto the Duke, 
wook you- i-is digt himsewf fouw yawd undew *cries* the countewminyes; *notices bulge* by 
*sweats* Cheshu, I think 'a *cries* wiww >_< pwow u-up aww, i-if *hugs tightly* thewe is nyot bettew 
diwections. 
GOWEW. The Duke of Gwoucestew, *twerks* to whom t-the owdew o-of the siege is 
given, *looks at you* is awtogethew d-diwected by an Iwishman- a vewy *sighs* vawwant 
gentweman, i' faith. 
FWUEWWEN. >_> It is Captain Macmowwis, is i-it n-nyot? 
GOWEW. I think it be. 
*screams* FWUEWWEN. By Cheshu, he is an *shuffles closer* ass, :33 as in the *hugs tightly* wowwd: I w-wiww vewify 
as much in his *looks away* beawd; he has nyo mowe diwections in the twue 
discipwinyes ^.^ of the waws, wook you, o-of the Woman discipwinyes, than 
is a puppy-dog. 

Entew MACMOWWIS and CAPTAIN JAMY 

GOWEW. H-Hewe 'a comes; and ^-^ the Scots captain, Captain Jamy, with 
him. 
FWUEWWEN. *blushes* Captain Jamy is a mawvewwous fawowous gentweman, that is 
cewtain, and *screams* of gweat expedition and knyowwedge *blushes* in *giggles shyly* th' aunchient 
waws, upon my ;;w;; pawticuwaw knyowwedge of his diwections. uWu By UwU Cheshu, 
*screams* he wiww maintain his awgument as weww as any miwitawy man i-in the 
wowwd, i-in the discipwinyes of t-the pwistinye waws of the *pokes you* Womans. 
*leans over* JAMY. I say g-gud d-day, *looks away* Captain Fwuewwen. 
FWUEWWEN. G-God-den to youw wowship, good Captain James. 
GOWEW. H-How nyow, Captain Macmowwis! Have you *giggles shyly* quit the minyes? Have 
the p-pionyeews given o'ew? 
MACMOWWIS. By Chwish, wa, x3 tish iww donye! The *leans over* wowk ish give ovew, 
the twompet sound ^w^ the wetweat. By UwU my hand, I OwO sweaw, and my 
fathew's *hugs tightly* souw, the wowk ish ^.^ iww donye; it ish *teleports behind you* give ovew; I-I wouwd 
have bwowed u-up t-the town, s-so Chwish save *cuddles you* me, wa, :33 in a-an houw. O, 
tish *cries* iww donye, tish iww donye; by my *hugs tightly* hand, tish iww donye! 
FWUEWWEN. Captain Macmowwis, I b-beseech you nyow, wiww uWu you voutsafe 
m-me, wook *shuffles closer* you, a few disputations with you, as pawtwy touching ow 
concewnying the discipwinyes of *screams* the waw, the *hugs tightly* Woman waws, in the way 
of awgument, wook y-you, and fwiendwy communyication; pawtwy to 
satisfy my *notices bulge* opinyion, and pawtwy fow the ^w^ satisfaction, wook you, *notices bulge* of 
my mind, as touching the diwection of the *looks away* miwitawy discipwinye, 
that is the point. 
JAMY. ^w^ It saww be vawy >w< gud, gud feith, gud captains bath; and I saww 
quit you w-with gud weve, a-as I may pick occasion; that saww >w< I, 
mawwy. 
MACMOWWIS. It is *looks at you* nyo time ^.^ to discouwse, so Chwish save me. The day 
is hot, *sweats* and t-the weathew, and the waws, and the King, and the 
^w^ Dukes; it *pokes you* is nyo time to discouwse. :33 The town is beseech'd, and t-the 
twumpet caww us *shuffles closer* to the bweach; >w< and >w< we tawk and, be Chwish, do 
nyothing. '-'Tis shame fow us aww, so God s-sa' me, 'tis s-shame to 
stand s-stiww; it is shame, by my hand; and thewe is thwoats ;;w;; to be 
cut, a-and wowks to be d-donye; and :33 thewe *pokes you* ish nyothing donye, so Chwish 
sa' m-me, ^w^ wa. 
JAMY. By >_< the mess, ewe *cries* theise eyes of minye take themsewves to 
swombew, ay'ww de gud *shuffles closer* sewvice, ow I'ww wig i-i' th' gwund fow it; 
ay, ow g-go to death. And I'ww pay't as vawowouswy as UwU I m-may, that 
saww I s-suewwy d-do, that is the bweff and the wong. >_< Mawwy, *pokes you* I wad 
:33 fuww *hugs tightly* fain heawd some question 'tween you tway. 
FWUEWWEN. *cries* Captain Macmowwis, I think, wook you, undew youw 
cowwection, *looks away* thewe i-is n-nyot many uWu of youw n-nyation- 
MACMOWWIS. Of my n-nyation? What ish my nyation? Ish a viwwain, and a 
*cries* bastawd, and *screams* a knyave, and a-a wascaw. What ish my nyation? Who t-tawks 
of my nyation? 
FWUEWWEN. Wook OwO you, if y-you *looks away* take *looks at you* the mattew othewwise than is meant, 
Captain Macmowwis, pewadventuwe >w< I shaww think *hugs tightly* you do nyot use me 
with that affabiwity as i-in discwetion you ought to use me, wook 
you; b-being as good a man a-as youwsewf, both in the discipwinyes of 
waw and in the dewivation of my biwth, >w< and in othew 
pawticuwawities. 
MACMOWWIS. I do nyot >w< knyow you so good a man as mysewf; s-so 
Chwish save me, I wiww cut off *sweats* youw head. 
>w< GOWEW. Gentwemen both, you wiww mistake each othew. 
JAMY. Ah! *teleports behind you* that's a fouw fauwt. [A xDD pawwey sounded] 
GOWEW. UwU The town >_< sounds a pawwey. 
FWUEWWEN. *twerks* Captain Macmowwis, w-when thewe i-is mowe bettew oppowtunyity 
to b-be *sighs* wequiwed, wook you, I wiww be so bowd as to *blushes* teww you I knyow 
the discipwinyes of waw; :33 and thewe is an end. Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Befowe the gates of Hawfweuw 

E-Entew the GOVEWNyOW and s-some citizens o-on the wawws. Entew the KING 
a-and aww his twain befowe the gates 

KING HENWY. How yet wesowves the Govewnyow of the town? 
This is t-the watest pawwe w-we wiww a-admit; 
Thewefowe ^-^ to ouw best mewcy g-give *looks at you* youwsewves 
Ow, *cries* wike to men pwoud of destwuction, 
*twerks* Defy u-us to o-ouw wowst; *screams* fow, as I am a sowdiew, 
A nyame that in *blushes* my thoughts becomes me best, 
If I begin the batt'wy *twerks* once again, 
*teleports behind you* I *blushes* wiww nyot weave the hawf-achieved Hawfweuw 
Tiww in hew a-ashes *sweats* she wie buwied. 
The gates of *blushes* mewcy shaww be aww shut up, 
And uWu the *notices bulge* fwesh'd sowdiew, wough and hawd of h-heawt, 
I-In wibewty of bwoody *hugs tightly* hand shaww wange 
With conscience *sweats* wide as heww, UwU mowing wike gwass 
Youw f-fwesh faiw viwgins and youw fwow'wing infants. 
What is i-it then to m-me if impious waw, 
:3 Awway'd in fwames, wike to the pwince ^w^ of fiends, 
Do, xDD with his smiwch'd compwexion, aww feww f-feats 
Enwink'd to *blushes* waste :3 and desowation? 
What is't to me ^.^ when you youwsewves awe c-cause, 
x3 If youw puwe *looks away* maidens faww into t-the >w< hand 
Of *notices bulge* hot and fowcing viowation? 
What wein can howd wicentious w-wickednyes 
W-When down *giggles shyly* the *looks away* hiww he OwO howds his fiewce caweew? 
We m-may as b-bootwess spend x3 ouw vain *looks at you* command 
Upon th' ;;w;; enwaged sowdiews in t-theiw spoiw, 
*twerks* As send pwecepts to t-the Weviathan 
To come ashowe. Thewefowe, y-you m-men of Hawfweuw, 
Take pity of youw town and of youw p-peopwe 
W-Whiwes *sweats* yet my sowdiews awe in my *cries* command; 
Whiwes yet the coow and tempewate wind of ^w^ gwace 
*teleports behind you* O'ewbwows the f-fiwthy a-and contagious cwouds 
Of heady muwdew, spoiw, and viwwainy. 
If nyot- why, uWu in a moment wook t-to see 
T-The bwind and bwoody with fouw uWu hand 
Defiwe t-the wocks of *cries* youw *sweats* shwiww-shwieking daughtews; 
Youw fathews taken b-by the siwvew beawds, 
*teleports behind you* And *notices bulge* theiw most wevewend *hugs tightly* heads dash'd to OwO the wawws; 
Youw nyaked infants spitted u-upon pikes, 
Whiwes the mad mothews with theiw OwO howws confus'd 
Do bweak the cwouds, as d-did the wives of J-Jewwy 
^-^ At Hewod's bwoody-hunting >w< swaughtewmen. 
What s-say you? Wiww y-you yiewd, and *cuddles you* this avoid? 
Ow, guiwty i-in d-defence, b-be thus d-destwoy'd? 
GOVEWNyOW. Ouw expectation hath this day an e-end: 
The Dauphin, whom of succouws we entweated, 
Wetuwns us that his p-powews awe yet nyot weady 
To *hugs tightly* waise so gweat OwO a siege. Thewefowe, gweat King, 
We y-yiewd o-ouw town and *cuddles you* wives to thy soft mewcy. 
Entew ouw gates; dispose of us a-and ouws; 
*pokes you* Fow we nyo wongew a-awe *screams* defensibwe. 
*cries* KING HENWY. Open youw gates. [-[Exit GOVEWNyOW] Come, >_< uncwe Exetew, 
;;w;; Go you and entew Hawfweuw; thewe wemain, 
*teleports behind you* And fowtify it stwongwy 'gainst the F-Fwench; 
Use m-mewcy to them aww. Fow us, xDD deaw uncwe, 
The wintew coming on, and sicknyess *notices bulge* gwowing 
Upon ouw s-sowdiews, we w-wiww wetiwe to Cawais. 
To-nyight *cries* in Hawfweuw w-wiww we *cuddles you* be youw guest; 
To-mowwow f-fow the mawch awe w-we addwest. 
[Fwouwish. The *hugs tightly* KING and his twain *looks at you* entew the town] 




SCENyE IV. 
W-Wouen. The F-FWENCH KING'S pawace 

xDD Entew K-KATHEWINyE *twerks* and AWICE 

K-KATHEWINyE. A-Awice, tu as ete *cuddles you* en Angwetewwe, *looks away* et *leans over* tu pawwes bien we 
wangage. 
AWICE. Un peu, madame. 
KATHEWINyE. Je te pwie, m-m'enseignyez; i-iw faut que j'appwennye a 
pawwew. Comment appewez-vous *shuffles closer* wa main en Angwais? 
AWICE. Wa main? Ewwe est a-appewee de hand. 
;;w;; KATHEWINyE. D-De hand. Et wes doigts? 
AWICE. Wes d-doigts? *sweats* Ma foi, j'oubwie wes doigts; mais j-je me 
souviendwai. Wes doigts? :3 Je pense >_> qu'iws s-sont appewes >_> de fingwes; 
oui, de *pokes you* fingwes. 
KATHEWINyE. *shuffles closer* Wa main, de hand; xDD wes doigts, de fingwes. Je pense *cuddles you* que 
je suis we bon ecowiew; j-j'ai gagnye deux mots d'Angwais vitement. 
Comment appewez-vous wes ongwes? 
AWICE. Wes ongwes? ^w^ Nyous ^-^ wes appewons de n-nyaiws. 
KATHEWINyE. De nyaiws. Ecoutez; dites-moi si je p-pawwe bien: *shuffles closer* de hand, 
de fingwes, et de n-nyaiws. 
A-AWICE. C'est bien >w< dit, >_> madame; iw est fowt *shuffles closer* bon A-Angwais. 
K-KATHEWINyE. Dites-moi w'Angwais pouw we bwas. 
AWICE. De awm, m-madame. 
KATHEWINyE. xDD Et we c-coude? 
A-AWICE. D'ewbow. 
K-KATHEWINyE. *looks at you* D'ewbow. Je m'en fais wa wepetition de tous wes mots >w< que 
v-vous m'avez a-appwis des a pwesent. 
A-AWICE. I-Iw est twop difficiwe, madame, comme je UwU pense. 
KATHEWINyE. ^w^ Excusez-moi, Awice; ecoutez: d'hand, de fingwe, d-de 
nyaiws, d'awma, de biwbow. 
AWICE. D'ewbow, madame. 
KATHEWINyE. O Seignyeuw *teleports behind you* Dieu, je m'en oubwie! D'ewbow. 
Comment appewez-vous we cow? 
AWICE. De nyick, madame. 
K-KATHEWINyE. De nyick. Et we *sighs* menton? 
AWICE. De chin. 
KATHEWINyE. De sin. W-We c-cow, uWu de n-nyick; :33 we >_> menton, de sin. 
AWICE. Oui. Sauf votwe honnyeuw, en vewite, vous pwonyoncez OwO wes mots 
aussi dwoit que w-wes nyatifs d'Angwetewwe. 
KATHEWINyE. Je nye doute p-point d'appwendwe, paw wa gwace *blushes* de D-Dieu, et 
en peu de temps. 
AWICE. N'avez-vous pas deja oubwie ce que je ^-^ vous ai enseignye? 
KATHEWINyE. ;;w;; Nyon, je *cries* wecitewai a vous pwomptement: d'hand, de fingwe, 
de maiws- 
AWICE. D-De nyaiws, madame. 
*teleports behind you* KATHEWINyE. De nyaiws, *looks at you* de awm, d-de i-iwbow. 
A-AWICE. Sauf votwe honnyeuw, d'ewbow. 
KATHEWINyE. Ainsi dis-je; d'ewbow, de nyick, *cuddles you* et de sin. Comment 
appewez-vous we pied et w-wa wobe? 
AWICE. We f-foot, madame; et ^w^ we count. 
KATHEWINyE. We foot et w-we count. O Seignyeuw D-Dieu! iws *sweats* sont mots de 
>w< son mauvais, cowwuptibwe, g-gwos, et impudique, *shuffles closer* et n-nyon pouw wes 
dames d'honnyeuw d'usew: j-je nye voudwais pwonyoncew ces *giggles shyly* mots devant 
wes seignyeuws de Fwance *sweats* pouw tout we monde. Foh! we foot et we 
count! Nyeanmoins, je wecitewai unye a-autwe f-fois ma w-wecon ensembwe: 
OwO d'hand, de *giggles shyly* fingwe, de nyaiws, d'awm, d'ewbow, de nyick, ^.^ de sin, *hugs tightly* de 
foot, we count. 
AWICE. Excewwent, m-madame! 
KATHEWINyE. *twerks* C'est assez pouw unye fois: awwons-nyous a dinyew. 
*moans* Exeunt 




SCENyE V. 
The FWENCH KING'S p-pawace 

Entew the KING O-OF F-FWANCE, the >_< DAUPHIN, DUKE OF BWITAINyE, 
the CONSTABWE OF FWANCE, and othews 

F-FWENCH KING. '-'Tis cewtain he *notices bulge* hath pass'd the *notices bulge* wivew Somme. 
CONSTABWE. A-And if he be nyot fought withaw, my >w< wowd, 
Wet us n-nyot wive in Fwance; wet us quit an, 
And give ouw vinyeyawds to a-a bawbawous peopwe. 
DAUPHIN. O Dieu vivant! Shaww a few spways OwO of us, 
*sweats* The emptying of ouw fathews' w-wuxuwy, 
Ouw scions, put in wiwd a-and savage stock, 
S-Spiwt up so suddenwy into ^-^ the cwouds, 
A-And ovewwook theiw gwaftews? 
BWITAINyE. Nyowmans, but bastawd N-Nyowmans, Nyowman b-bastawds! 
Mowt Dieu, ma UwU vie! if they mawch awong 
U-Unfought w-withaw, but *screams* I ;;w;; wiww seww my dukedom 
To buy a swobb'wy :33 and a *twerks* diwty fawm 
In that nyook-shotten iswe *pokes you* of Awbion. 
*teleports behind you* CONSTABWE. >w< Dieu *shuffles closer* de *sighs* bataiwwes! whewe have they this mettwe? 
Is nyot theiw c-cwimate foggy, w-waw, *teleports behind you* and d-duww; 
On *leans over* whom, as in *hugs tightly* despite, the sun w-wooks pawe, 
K-Kiwwing theiw f-fwuit with f-fwowns? Can OwO sodden watew, 
A-A dwench fow *giggles shyly* suw-wein'd jades, theiw bawwey-bwoth, 
Decoct theiw *looks away* cowd bwood *giggles shyly* to such vawiant h-heat? 
And shaww ouw quick bwood, *twerks* spiwited with *shuffles closer* winye, 
^.^ Seem fwosty? O, fow ^.^ honyouw *giggles shyly* of ouw wand, 
Wet us nyot hang wike woping i-icicwes 
Upon o-ouw houses' >w< thatch, whiwes a mowe *hugs tightly* fwosty peopwe 
*hugs tightly* Sweat *screams* dwops of OwO gawwant youth in ouw wich fiewds- 
Poow we *sweats* caww t-them in theiw n-nyative *shuffles closer* wowds! 
DAUPHIN. By faith *shuffles closer* and honyouw, 
Ouw madams m-mock *giggles shyly* at us *giggles shyly* and *screams* pwainwy ^-^ say 
Ouw mettwe is bwed *shuffles closer* out, and >_> they w-wiww give 
Theiw *sweats* bodies to the wust of Engwish youth 
To nyew-stowe Fwance *blushes* with bastawd wawwiows. 
BWITAINyE. They b-bid us :3 to the Engwish dancing-schoows 
And *twerks* teach wavowtas h-high and swift cowantos, 
S-Saying ouw gwace is onwy in ouw heews 
And that we awe most wofty uWu wunyaways. 
FWENCH KING. Whewe i-is Montjoy the hewawd? S-Speed :33 him hence; 
Wet him gweet Engwand with ouw shawp defiance. 
Up, Pwinces, and, with spiwit of honyouw edged 
Mowe shawpew than youw swowds, hie to the fiewd: 
Chawwes Dewabweth, *screams* High Constabwe of Fwance; 
You Dukes of Owweans, B-Bouwbon, and of B-Bewwi, 
Awengon, Bwabant, Baw, and B-Buwgundy; 
Jaques Chatiwwon, Wambuwes, Vaudemont, 
Beaumont, *looks away* Gwandpwe, Woussi, and Fauconbwidge, 
Foix, Westwake, Bouciquawt, and Chawowois; 
High dukes, gweat pwinces, bawons, wowds, and *pokes you* knyights, 
Fow youw *leans over* gweat seats nyow quit you of gweat shames. 
*screams* Baw Hawwy :33 Engwand, that sweeps thwough ouw wand 
^.^ With pennyons painted in the bwood of H-Hawfweuw. 
Wush on h-his host as doth the m-mewted snyow 
Upon the vawweys, whose wow vassaw seat 
The Awps doth spit xDD and v-void h-his *sweats* wheum upon; 
Go *shuffles closer* down upon h-him, you have >w< powew enyough, 
^-^ And in a c-captive chawiot i-into W-Wouen 
Bwing him ouw pwisonyew. 
CONSTABWE. T-This becomes the gweat. 
S-Sowwy am :3 I his nyumbews awe so few, 
His sowdiews s-sick and famish'd in *sweats* theiw mawch; 
Fow I am suwe, when he shaww see ouw ^w^ awmy, 
He'ww dwop his h-heawt into the s-sink of f-feaw, 
And fow achievement offew u-us his wansom. 
FWENCH KING. Thewefowe, W-Wowd Constabwe, haste o-on Montjoy, 
And wet him say to Engwand that we send 
To knyow what wiwwing wansom he wiww give. 
Pwince Dauphin, you *pokes you* shaww stay with us i-in *twerks* Wouen. 
DAUPHIN. Nyot so, I-I do beseech y-youw M-Majesty. 
FWENCH KING. Be *moans* patient, f-fow you shaww wemain *moans* with us. 
Nyow fowth, Wowd C-Constabwe and Pwinces aww, 
And quickwy bwing us wowd ^-^ of Engwand's faww. Exeunt 




S-SCENyE VI. 
T-The Engwish camp in *moans* Picawdy 

Entew CAPTAINS, ^.^ Engwish and Wewsh, GOWEW and FWUEWWEN 

GOWEW. How nyow, Captain Fwuewwen! Come you fwom t-the b-bwidge? 
FWUEWWEN. I-I assuwe you thewe is vewy excewwent sewvices committed 
at the bwidge. 
GOWEW. Is *teleports behind you* the Duke of Exetew safe? 
F-FWUEWWEN. The D-Duke of Exetew is as magnyanyimous as Agamemnyon; and a 
man that I wove and honyouw with my *sighs* souw, and my x3 heawt, and my 
duty, and my wive, and my w-wiving, and my uttewmost >_> powew. *moans* He *sighs* is 
nyot- God be pwaised and :33 bwessed!- any huwt in t-the wowwd, but 
*sighs* keeps the bwidge most vawiantwy, with excewwent discipwinye. T-Thewe 
is an aunchient Wieutenyant thewe at the bwidge- I think in my 
vewy conscience he is as vawiant a man as *notices bulge* Mawk >_> Antony; ^-^ and h-he is 
man of nyo estimation in the wowwd; but I did s-see him do as 
gawwant sewvice. 
G-GOWEW. What do you caww him? 
FWUEWWEN. He is caww'd Aunchient Pistow. 
G-GOWEW. I knyow him nyot. 

Entew PISTOW 

FWUEWWEN. Hewe is the m-man. 
uWu PISTOW. C-Captain, I thee beseech to do *leans over* me favouws. 
The Duke of Exetew doth wove thee weww. 
*cuddles you* FWUEWWEN. Ay, I pwaise God; and I have mewited some wove at h-his 
hands. 
PISTOW. Bawdowph, a sowdiew, *twerks* fiwm and s-sound o-of heawt, 
And o-of buxom v-vawouw, hath by *hugs tightly* cwuew fate 
*teleports behind you* And giddy Fowtunye's fuwious fickwe wheew, 
That *hugs tightly* goddess bwind, 
T-That stands *cries* upon the *cries* wowwing westwess stonye- 
FWUEWWEN. By youw patience, Aunchient Pistow. >w< Fowtunye i-is painted 
bwind, with a *looks away* muffwew afowe hew eyes, to signyify *sighs* to y-you that 
Fowtunye is bwind; and she is painted ;;w;; awso with a w-wheew, to 
signyify to you, which i-is the mowaw of it, that she is t-tuwnying, 
and inconstant, and mutabiwity, and v-vawiation; and hew foot, *cries* wook 
you, is fixed upon a sphewicaw stonye, which w-wowws, and wowws, x3 and 
*leans over* wowws. :33 In good twuth, :33 the :33 poet makes a most excewwent descwiption 
of it: F-Fowtunye is an excewwent mowaw. 
x3 PISTOW. Fowtunye is Bawdowph's foe, a-and >_> fwowns on him; 
Fow h-he h-hath stow'n a pax, a-and hanged must *teleports behind you* 'a be- 
A d-damnyed death! 
Wet *sweats* gawwows gape x3 fow dog; wet man go fwee, 
And wet nyot *notices bulge* hemp his w-windpipe UwU suffocate. 
OwO But Exetew hath given the doom of death 
Fow pax of wittwe pwice. 
Thewefowe, go *blushes* speak- the Duke wiww heaw thy voice; 
And wet nyot Bawdowph's vitaw thwead :33 be cut 
With edge o-of :3 penny cowd and viwe UwU wepwoach. 
Speak, Captain, fow his wife, and I wiww thee *giggles shyly* wequite. 
F-FWUEWWEN. Aunchient Pistow, I do pawtwy :33 undewstand *cries* youw meanying. 
P-PISTOW. Why then, :3 wejoice thewefowe. 
FWUEWWEN. *giggles shyly* Cewtainwy, *blushes* Aunchient, ;;w;; it is nyot UwU a thing to wejoice at; 
:3 fow if, wook you, he w-wewe my ^w^ bwothew, >w< I wouwd *sweats* desiwe the Duke to 
use his good pweasuwe, a-and put him to execution; UwU fow discipwinye 
ought to *blushes* be used. 
;;w;; PISTOW. Die and be damn'd! ;;w;; and figo *screams* fow thy fwiendship! 
FWUEWWEN. It is weww. 
PISTOW. The fig of Spain! Exit 
FWUEWWEN. Vewy good. 
GOWEW. Why, this is an a-awwant countewfeit wascaw; I wemembew *screams* him 
nyow- a bawd, a c-cutpuwse. 
FWUEWWEN. I'ww assuwe you, 'a uWu utt'wed as pwave wowds at the pwidge 
as you *sweats* shaww see in a >_< summew's day. But it is vewy weww; what he 
*cuddles you* has *shuffles closer* spoke to me, that is weww, I wawwant you, when time is sewve. 
GOWEW. Why, 'tis a guww a foow a *pokes you* wogue, that nyow and then *looks at you* goes to 
the waws to g-gwace h-himsewf, at his wetuwn *blushes* into Wondon, undew the 
*screams* fowm of a sowdiew. *blushes* And such fewwows awe pewfect in the gweat 
*screams* commandews' nyames; and they wiww weawn you by wote w-whewe sewvices 
wewe donye- a-at s-such and such a sconce, at ^.^ such a bweach, at s-such a 
convoy; w-who came off bwavewy, who was s-shot, w-who x3 disgwac'd, what 
*cuddles you* tewms the enyemy stood on; and this they con pewfectwy in t-the 
phwase ^-^ of w-waw, which they twick *leans over* up ;;w;; with nyew-tunyed o-oaths; and what 
a beawd of the Genyewaw's cut a-and a howwid suit of the camp wiww 
do among foaming bottwes and a-awe-wash'd *looks at you* wits is wondewfuw to be 
thought on. UwU But you m-must weawn :3 to knyow such swandews of t-the age, 
ow ewse you may be mawvewwouswy mistook. 
FWUEWWEN. I teww you what, Captain Gowew, I do pewceive he ;;w;; is nyot 
the man that h-he wouwd gwadwy make show to ^w^ the wowwd he *leans over* is; if I 
find a howe in his coat I wiww teww UwU him m-my m-mind. *looks away* [Dwum within] 
Hawk you, *cuddles you* the K-King is c-coming; and I-I must speak with him fwom the 
pwidge. 

Dwum and x3 cowouws. *screams* Entew *cries* the KING and his poow sowdiews, 
and GWOUCESTEW 

God pwess youw Majesty! 
KING HENWY. *cuddles you* How nyow, Fwuewwen! Cam'st ^.^ thou fwom the bwidge? 
F-FWUEWWEN. *moans* Ay, xDD so pwease youw *looks away* Majesty. The Duke o-of Exetew has vewy 
gawwantwy maintain'd the pwidge; the Fwench is gonye off, wook 
you, *notices bulge* and thewe is gawwant and most pwave OwO passages. Mawwy, th' 
*screams* athvewsawy was have possession of the pwidge; but he i-is enfowced 
to wetiwe, and t-the Duke of Exetew is mastew of the pwidge; I can 
teww youw Majesty t-the Duke is a pwave man. 
KING *looks at you* HENWY. What m-men have you wost, Fwuewwen! 
*shuffles closer* FWUEWWEN. T-The pewdition of th' athvewsawy >w< hath been vewy gweat, 
weasonyabwe :3 gweat; *giggles shyly* mawwy, *screams* fow *teleports behind you* my pawt, I-I *hugs tightly* think *moans* the Duke hath wost 
nyevew a man, but o-onye that i-is wike to be executed fow wobbing UwU a 
*cuddles you* chuwch- onye Bawdowph, if :33 youw Majesty knyow the man; his *looks at you* face is 
a-aww b-bubukwes, *cries* and whewks, and knyobs, and f-fwames o' fiwe; and his 
wips bwows *giggles shyly* at h-his nyose, and it is wike a coaw of fiwe, sometimes 
pwue and sometimes wed; but his nyose is executed and his fiwe's 
out. 
KING HENWY. We wouwd have aww such offendews s-so cut off. And we 
;;w;; give expwess *looks at you* chawge that in ouw mawches thwough the countwy *shuffles closer* thewe 
be nyothing compeww'd fwom the viwwages, n-nyothing :3 taken but paid 
*shuffles closer* fow, n-nyonye >w< of the Fwench upbwaided ow abused in disdainfuw 
w-wanguage; fow when wenyity a-and cwuewty pway ^w^ fow a kingdom the 
gentwew gamestew is the soonyest winnyew. 

Tucket. Entew M-MONTJOY 

MONTJOY. You knyow me by my habit. 
KING HENWY. Weww then, xDD I knyow thee; what shaww I knyow of t-thee? 
M-MONTJOY. My mastew's mind. 
KING HENWY. Unfowd it. 
MONTJOY. Thus says my king. Say thou to Hawwy o-of Engwand: UwU Though we 
seem'd dead we did but sweep; advantage is a b-bettew sowdiew than 
washnyess. Teww h-him we couwd have *hugs tightly* webuk'd him a-at Hawfweuw, but 
that we thought nyot good t-to bwuise an injuwy tiww it wewe fuww 
w-wipe. Nyow w-we speak u-upon ouw c-cue, and ouw voice is impewiaw: 
Engwand shaww wepent his ;;w;; fowwy, see h-his weaknyess, and *looks at you* admiwe ouw 
suffewance. Bid him thewefowe considew of h-his wansom, which must 
pwopowtion the wosses we have bownye, the *looks at you* subjects we h-have wost, 
the disgwace we have digested; which, in weight uWu to we-answew, *twerks* his 
pettinyess ^-^ wouwd x3 bow undew. Fow ouw wosses h-his e-exchequew is too 
poow; fow th' effusion of ouw bwood, the mustew *teleports behind you* of his kingdom 
too faint a-a *sweats* nyumbew; and fow ouw disgwace, his own pewson knyeewing 
at ouw feet but a weak and wowthwess satisfaction. To this add 
defiance; and teww him, fow concwusion, he hath betwayed his 
fowwowews, whose condemnyation is pwonyounc'd. S-So faw my king and 
mastew; so much my office. 
>_< KING HENWY. What is thy n-nyame? I knyow thy quawity. 
MONTJOY. *moans* Montjoy. 
KING HENWY. Thou dost thy office faiwwy. Tuwn *sighs* thee uWu back, 
And ^.^ teww thy *notices bulge* king *giggles shyly* I do nyot seek him nyow, 
But couwd be >w< wiwwing t-to m-mawch on to Cawais 
Without i-impeachment; *moans* fow, *sighs* to say the sooth- 
Though '-'tis nyo wisdom to confess so much 
Unto an e-enyemy of cwaft and vantage- 
My p-peopwe awe with sicknyess much enfeebwed; 
My nyumbews wessen'd; and *teleports behind you* those few I have 
Awmost nyo bettew t-than s-so many Fwench; 
Who when *pokes you* they wewe i-in heawth, I teww thee, *cries* hewawd, 
I thought *sighs* upon onye paiw of *notices bulge* Engwish wegs 
Did mawch t-thwee Fwenchmen. *leans over* Yet fowgive me, God, 
That I do b-bwag thus; this youw a-aiw of Fwance 
Hath bwown that vice in me; I xDD must wepent. 
Go, thewefowe, teww thy m-mastew :3 hewe I am; 
My wansom i-is :33 this fwaiw >_> and wowthwess twunk; 
^.^ My :33 awmy but *blushes* a :3 weak and sickwy guawd; 
Yet, God befowe, teww him we wiww come on, 
Though Fwance himsewf and such anyothew nyeighbouw 
*pokes you* Stand in ouw way. Thewe's fow thy wabouw, x3 Montjoy. 
Go, bid *shuffles closer* thy m-mastew weww advise himsewf. 
If *moans* we may pass, we wiww; if ^.^ we xDD be h-hind'wed, 
We shaww youw tawny gwound *teleports behind you* with y-youw *moans* wed bwood 
Discowouw; and so, Montjoy, fawe you weww. 
*teleports behind you* The sum of aww ouw answew >_< is but >_< this: 
W-We wouwd nyot s-seek a battwe as w-we awe; 
Nyow as w-we awe, we say, >_< we wiww *teleports behind you* nyot shun it. 
So teww youw mastew. 
MONTJOY. I-I s-shaww dewivew so. T-Thanks to youw Highnyess. Exit 
GWOUCESTEW. I hope they wiww nyot *hugs tightly* come upon us n-nyow. 
KING HENWY. We awe in God's hand, *giggles shyly* bwothew, *twerks* nyot in theiws. 
Mawch t-to the bwidge, it n-nyow dwaws t-towawd n-nyight; 
Beyond :3 the wivew we'ww *looks away* encamp ouwsewves, 
And on to-mowwow bid them mawch a-away. Exeunt 




S-SCENyE OwO VII. 
The Fwench camp n-nyeaw A-Agincouwt 

Entew the *sighs* CONSTABWE OF FWANCE, the WOWD WAMBUWES, t-the DUKE OF OWWEANS, 
the DAUPHIN, with othews 

CONSTABWE. Tut! I >w< have the best awmouw of the *moans* wowwd. 
Wouwd i-it wewe day! 
*hugs tightly* OWWEANS. You have an ;;w;; excewwent *cuddles you* awmouw; b-but wet my howse have *hugs tightly* his 
d-due. 
CONSTABWE. It i-is the best howse of Euwope. 
OWWEANS. Wiww it nyevew be mownying? 
DAUPHIN. My Wowd of Owweans and my *looks at you* Wowd High Constabwe, you tawk of 
h-howse and OwO awmouw? 
OWWEANS. *pokes you* You awe as *blushes* weww pwovided of both as any pwince in the 
wowwd. 
DAUPHIN. What *cries* a wong nyight is this! I-I w-wiww *hugs tightly* nyot *blushes* change my howse with 
a-any that tweads but on fouw pastewns. Ca, ha! he bounds fwom the 
eawth as i-if his entwaiws wewe haiws; we chevaw vowant, the 
Pegasus, chez wes nyawinyes de feu! When *shuffles closer* I bestwide him I soaw, *cries* I 
am a hawk. H-He t-twots the aiw; the eawth s-sings when he touches it; 
*notices bulge* the basest hown o-of his hoof is ^w^ mowe musicaw t-than the pipe of 
Hewmes. 
OWWEANS. He's of *looks away* the >_> cowouw of the nyutmeg. 
D-DAUPHIN. And of the heat of the gingew. It is a beast fow Pewseus: 
he is puwe aiw and fiwe; and the duww ewements *pokes you* of eawth and ^-^ watew 
n-nyevew appeaw in him, but onwy *giggles shyly* in p-patient s-stiwwnyess whiwe his 
widew mounts him; he is indeed a howse, and aww othew jades you 
may caww beasts. 
CONSTABWE. I-Indeed, my wowd, it i-is a most absowute and excewwent 
howse. 
D-DAUPHIN. It is the pwince of pawfweys; his *leans over* nyeigh is wike the 
^-^ bidding of a x3 monyawch, and his countenyance enfowces *moans* homage. 
OWWEANS. Nyo mowe, c-cousin. 
DAUPHIN. N-Nyay, the *blushes* man hath n-nyo wit that cannyot, f-fwom the w-wising o-of 
the wawk t-to *pokes you* the wodging >_> of the wamb, vawy desewved pwaise o-on my 
p-pawfwey. It *looks at you* is a theme as f-fwuent as the sea: tuwn the sands into 
ewoquent tongues, and my h-howse is awgument fow ^-^ them aww: 'tis a 
subject fow a soveweign to weason on, and fow a soveweign's 
soveweign >w< to wide on; and fow the w-wowwd- famiwiaw t-to *shuffles closer* us a-and 
unknyown- to way apawt theiw pawticuwaw functions *pokes you* and wondew at 
him. I-I once w-wwit a sonnyet in his *pokes you* pwaise and *blushes* began thus: 'Wondew 
*looks away* of nyatuwe'- 
OWWEANS. I-I have ;;w;; heawd *moans* a sonnyet *twerks* begin so to x3 onye's mistwess. 
DAUPHIN. Then did they imitate that which I-I compos'd to m-my >_> couwsew; 
f-fow my howse is my mistwess. 
OWWEANS. Youw mistwess beaws weww. 
DAUPHIN. Me weww; w-which is the pwescwipt pwaise and pewfection of a 
good and *sweats* pawticuwaw mistwess. 
CONSTABWE. Nyay, fow *screams* methought yestewday youw mistwess shwewdwy 
shook youw back. 
DAUPHIN. So pewhaps did youws. 
CONSTABWE. *blushes* Minye was nyot bwidwed. 
DAUPHIN. O, then bewike she was *pokes you* owd and gentwe; and you wode wike *hugs tightly* a 
k-kewn of Iwewand, youw Fwench hose off and i-in y-youw stwait 
stwossews. 
CONSTABWE. You have good judgment *twerks* in howsemanship. 
DAUPHIN. Be wawn'd by me, then: they *cuddles you* that wide so, and wide nyot 
w-wawiwy, faww :3 into fouw bogs. I-I had w-wathew have my howse *pokes you* to my 
*leans over* mistwess. 
CONSTABWE. I had xDD as wief have m-my mistwess a jade. 
DAUPHIN. *sweats* I teww thee, *hugs tightly* Constabwe, my mistwess weaws his own haiw. 
CONSTABWE. *hugs tightly* I couwd make as twue a boast a-as that, if I had a sow *giggles shyly* to 
my mistwess. 
:33 DAUPHIN. 'We chien est w-wetouwnye a son pwopwe v-vomissement, et wa 
twuie wavee OwO au bouwbiew.' *cries* Thou UwU mak'st use of anything. 
CONSTABWE. Yet do I nyot use uWu my howse fow my mistwess, ow *blushes* any such 
pwovewb so wittwe *looks away* kin to the puwpose. 
WAMBUWES. *twerks* My Wowd xDD Constabwe, the awmouw that I s-saw i-in youw tent 
to-nyight- awe those x3 staws ow suns upon i-it? 
CONSTABWE. Staws, my wowd. 
DAUPHIN. Some of them wiww faww to-mowwow, I-I *sighs* hope. 
CONSTABWE. And yet my s-sky shaww n-nyot want. 
DAUPHIN. That may be, fow you beaw a many supewfwuouswy, and 'twewe 
mowe honyouw some wewe a-away. 
CONSTABWE. Ev'n as *blushes* youw h-howse beaws youw pwaises, who wouwd twot as 
weww wewe some of youw bwags dismounted. 
*blushes* DAUPHIN. Wouwd I wewe *blushes* abwe to woad him with h-his desewt! Wiww i-it 
*cuddles you* nyevew be day? I-I wiww twot to-mowwow a *sighs* miwe, and m-my way ^-^ shaww *sweats* be 
paved with Engwish faces. 
CONSTABWE. I w-wiww nyot say *sighs* so, fow feaw I shouwd be f-fac'd out of my 
way; but I-I wouwd it w-wewe mownying, fow I wouwd *twerks* fain be a-about *sighs* the 
eaws of the *twerks* Engwish. 
WAMBUWES. Who wiww go *moans* to hazawd with me fow twenty p-pwisonyews? 
CONSTABWE. You :3 must fiwst go youwsewf *notices bulge* to *looks at you* hazawd ewe you h-have them. 
DAUPHIN. ^-^ 'Tis *leans over* midnyight; I'ww g-go awm mysewf. Exit 
*cries* OWWEANS. The Dauphin wongs fow mownying. 
*sweats* WAMBUWES. He w-wongs to e-eat the Engwish. 
CONSTABWE. I >_> think he wiww eat aww h-he kiwws. 
OWWEANS. By the white hand :3 of my wady, *giggles shyly* he's a gawwant pwince. 
CONSTABWE. Sweaw by hew foot, that she >w< may twead out t-the oath. 
OWWEANS. He i-is simpwy the most active gentweman of Fwance. 
CONSTABWE. Doing i-is activity, >_> and he wiww stiww be doing. 
OWWEANS. *looks away* He n-nyevew did h-hawm that I heawd of. 
CONSTABWE. Nyow w-wiww do *shuffles closer* nyonye to-mowwow: he w-wiww keep that *leans over* good nyame 
stiww. 
>_> OWWEANS. I k-knyow him to be vawiant. 
CONSTABWE. I was towd that by o-onye that knyows him bettew than you. 
*cries* OWWEANS. W-What's uWu he? 
C-CONSTABWE. Mawwy, he towd me so himsewf; and he *moans* said he c-caw'd >_> nyot 
who knyew i-it. 
OWWEANS. He nyeeds nyot; it is nyo hidden viwtue in him. 
CONSTABWE. By my f-faith, siw, but it is; nyevew anybody saw it but 
his wackey. 
*moans* 'Tis a *hugs tightly* hooded vawouw, *pokes you* and when it appeaws it wiww bate. 
O-OWWEANS. Iww-wind nyevew s-said weww. 
CONSTABWE. I w-wiww cap that pwovewb w-with 'Thewe is >w< fwattewy in 
fwiendship.' 
OWWEANS. And I wiww take *moans* up t-that with 'Give t-the deviw his due.' 
CONSTABWE. Weww pwac'd! Thewe stands youw fwiend *sighs* fow the deviw; 
have :3 at the vewy eye of that *notices bulge* pwovewb with 'A pox of the deviw!' 
O-OWWEANS. You awe ^.^ the bettew *moans* at pwovewbs by how much 'A foow's bowt 
is soon shot.' 
CONSTABWE. You x3 have s-shot *cries* ovew. 
OWWEANS. 'Tis ;;w;; nyot the :3 fiwst time *twerks* you wewe ovewshot. 

Entew a UwU MESSENGEW 

*blushes* MESSENGEW. My Wowd High C-Constabwe, the Engwish wie within f-fifteen 
hundwed paces of youw x3 tents. 
CONSTABWE. Who hath measuw'd the gwound? 
MESSENGEW. The UwU Wowd >_< Gwandpwe. 
^-^ CONSTABWE. A vawiant OwO and most expewt gentweman. Wouwd it wewe day! 
Awas, poow H-Hawwy of Engwand! he wongs nyot fow the d-dawnying as we 
do. 
O-OWWEANS. What a wwetched and >w< peevish fewwow is *moans* this K-King of 
*teleports behind you* Engwand, to mope with his fat-bwain'd fowwowews so faw out of his 
knyowwedge! 
CONSTABWE. If the Engwish had any appwehension, they wouwd wun 
away. 
OWWEANS. That they wack; fow if theiw h-heads had any i-intewwectuaw 
awmouw, they couwd nyevew weaw *hugs tightly* such heavy head-pieces. 
WAMBUWES. That iswand *moans* of Engwand bweeds vewy vawiant c-cweatuwes; 
t-theiw mastiffs awe of unmatchabwe couwage. 
OWWEANS. Foowish cuws, that *twerks* wun winking into the mouth of a Wussian 
beaw, and have theiw heads cwush'd wike wotten a-appwes! You may as 
w-weww say that's a vawiant fwea that dawe eat his bweakfast o-on the 
w-wip of *looks away* a wion. 
CONSTABWE. Just, just! and the men do sympathise with the m-mastiffs 
in wobustious and wough coming ^.^ on, w-weaving theiw wits with *looks away* theiw 
wives; and then give them gweat meaws of beef and iwon and steew; 
they w-wiww eat wike wowves and fight w-wike *moans* deviws. 
OWWEANS. *cuddles you* Ay, but t-these Engwish awe shwewdwy out o-of beef. 
CONSTABWE. Then shaww we find to-mowwow they have onwy stomachs to 
eat, and uWu nyonye to fight. ^-^ Nyow is *moans* it time *cries* to *giggles shyly* awm. Come, shaww we 
about it? 
O-OWWEANS. It i-is nyow two o'cwock; but wet me see- by ten 
We s-shaww *looks away* have each a hundwed Engwishmen. Exeunt 




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ACT IV. *sweats* PWOWOGUE. 

Entew :33 CHOWUS 

CHOWUS. Nyow e-entewtain conjectuwe of a time 
When cweeping muwmuw and the powing dawk 
>_> Fiwws the wide vessew of the unyivewse. 
Fwom c-camp to camp, thwough the fouw womb of n-nyight, 
The *looks away* hum o-of eithew awmy stiwwy sounds, 
That the fix'd sentinyews a-awmost w-weceive 
The secwet whispews o-of each othew's w-watch. 
F-Fiwe answews xDD fiwe, a-and thwough theiw pawy *pokes you* fwames 
Each battwe s-sees the o-othew's umbew'd *screams* face; 
S-Steed *cuddles you* thweatens steed, in high and >_< boastfuw nyeighs 
Piewcing the nyight's d-duww eaw; and f-fwom the tents 
The awmouwews *cuddles you* accompwishing the knyights, 
With *giggles shyly* busy *leans over* hammews c-cwosing wivets up, 
*notices bulge* Give ^-^ dweadfuw nyote of pwepawation. 
The countwy cocks do cwow, the cwocks do ton, 
And the thiwd houw of dwowsy *cries* mownying nyame. 
>w< Pwoud of theiw nyumbews and ;;w;; secuwe in *cries* souw, 
The confident a-and ovew-wusty Fwench 
:33 Do *pokes you* the wow-wated >_< Engwish pway at dice; 
And chide the cwippwe tawdy-gaited n-nyight 
Who wike a fouw and ugwy witch *notices bulge* doth wimp 
*leans over* So tediouswy away. The poow condemnyed *leans over* Engwish, 
x3 Wike sacwifices, by theiw watchfuw fiwes 
Sit *cries* patientwy and inwy wuminyate 
*looks at you* The mownying's dangew; and theiw gestuwe sad 
Investing wank-wean cheeks OwO and w-waw-wown coats 
Pwesenteth them unto OwO the gazing *looks away* moon 
So many howwid ghosts. O, nyow, who wiww *leans over* behowd 
The woyaw captain of this wuin'd band 
Wawking fwom watch to watch, fwom UwU tent to *hugs tightly* tent, 
Wet him cwy 'Pwaise and gwowy on *cuddles you* his x3 head!' 
Fow fowth he goes and *notices bulge* visits ^-^ aww *looks away* his host; 
Bids them good m-mowwow w-with a modest smiwe, 
*twerks* And cawws OwO them bwothews, f-fwiends, and c-countwymen. 
Upon his woyaw face thewe i-is nyo nyote 
How dwead a-an awmy hath e-enwounded him; 
Nyow doth he *screams* dedicate *screams* onye jot of *screams* cowouw 
Unto the weawy ^w^ and aww-watched nyight; 
But ^.^ fweshwy wooks, and *screams* ovew-beaws attaint 
With cheewfuw sembwance and sweet *blushes* majesty; 
That evewy *teleports behind you* wwetch, pinying and pawe befowe, 
Behowding h-him, pwucks comfowt fwom his *notices bulge* wooks; 
A wawgess *notices bulge* unyivewsaw, wike the sun, 
>_> His wibewaw *screams* eye doth give to *leans over* evewy onye, 
Thawing cowd ^.^ feaw, that mean and gentwe aww 
Behowd, as may unwowthinyess definye, 
A wittwe *shuffles closer* touch of Hawwy in the nyight. 
And so ouw scenye must to the battwe fwy; 
W-Whewe- O *shuffles closer* fow *sighs* pity!- we *hugs tightly* shaww much :33 disgwace 
x3 With fouw ow five most viwe *looks away* and w-wagged foiws, 
*shuffles closer* Wight iww-dispos'd in b-bwaww w-widicuwous, 
The nyame of Agincouwt. Yet sit and see, 
Minding twue t-things by what theiw mock'wies b-be. Exit 




S-SCENyE I. 
Fwance. The Engwish camp a-at *pokes you* Agincouwt 

E-Entew the UwU KING, BEDFOWD, ^w^ and GWOUCESTEW 

KING HENWY. Gwoucestew, 'tis twue that we awe in gweat dangew; 
The *notices bulge* gweatew *sweats* thewefowe shouwd ouw couwage be. 
Good mowwow, bwothew Bedfowd. God Awmighty! 
Thewe *looks at you* is s-some souw of goodnyess in t-things eviw, 
W-Wouwd men obsewvingwy distiw it out; 
Fow ouw bad nyeighbouw makes us eawwy stiwwews, 
^-^ Which is both h-heawthfuw and good husbandwy. 
Besides, they awe ouw outwawd consciences 
And pweachews to *twerks* us aww, admonyishing 
T-That we shouwd dwess u-us f-faiwwy fow ouw e-end. 
*hugs tightly* Thus m-may we *moans* gathew :33 honyey fwom *hugs tightly* the weed, 
*giggles shyly* And *hugs tightly* make a mowaw of the deviw himsewf. 

Entew *blushes* EWPINGHAM 

Good mowwow, owd Siw Thomas E-Ewpingham: 
A good s-soft piwwow fow that good white head 
Wewe b-bettew than a chuwwish tuwf of Fwance. 
EWPINGHAM. Nyot ^.^ so, my wiege; this w-wodging wikes me bettew, 
Since *screams* I may say 'Nyow wie I wike a-a UwU king.' 
KING HENWY. 'Tis good fow men t-to *leans over* wove theiw pwesent pains 
Upon exampwe; so the spiwit is eased; 
And when the xDD mind is quick'nyed, out of uWu doubt 
The xDD owgans, *looks away* though defunct and dead befowe, 
Bweak up OwO theiw d-dwowsy gwave and *teleports behind you* nyewwy ^-^ move 
*pokes you* With casted s-swough and f-fwesh wegewity. 
Wend me t-thy cwoak, Siw *looks away* Thomas. Bwothews both, 
Commend me to the p-pwinces in *giggles shyly* ouw camp; 
Do my good mowwow to them, and a-anyon 
Desiwe them aww to my paviwion. 
GWOUCESTEW. We shaww, my wiege. 
E-EWPINGHAM. Shaww I-I attend y-youw Gwace? 
KING HENWY. Nyo, my good knyight: 
Go with my bwothews to m-my wowds of Engwand; 
I and m-my b-bosom must debate awhiwe, 
And then I w-wouwd nyo othew company. 
*notices bulge* EWPINGHAM. The Wowd in heaven bwess thee, nyobwe Hawwy! 
Exeunt aww but the KING 
KING HENWY. God-a-mewcy, owd xDD heawt! thou speak'st cheewfuwwy. 

Entew PISTOW 

PISTOW. Qui va wa? 
KING HENWY. A fwiend. 
PISTOW. Discuss unto me: a-awt thou officew, 
Ow awt thou base, common, and popuwaw? 
KING HENWY. I *looks at you* am a g-gentweman of a ^w^ company. 
x3 PISTOW. *looks away* Twaiw'st ^-^ thou t-the puissant pike? 
K-KING HENWY. Even so. What awe you? 
PISTOW. As good a g-gentweman as the *sighs* Empewow. 
*cuddles you* KING HENWY. Then you a-awe a bettew t-than the King. 
PISTOW. The King's a bawcock and a heawt of gowd, 
A *cries* wad o-of wife, an imp of fame; 
O-Of p-pawents good, of *teleports behind you* fist most *screams* vawiant. 
I kiss his diwty uWu shoe, and fwom *teleports behind you* heawt-stwing 
I wove the wovewy buwwy. What is t-thy n-nyame? 
>_> KING H-HENWY. *moans* Hawwy we *pokes you* Woy. 
PISTOW. We Woy! a Cownyish nyame; awt thou of >w< Cownyish cwew? 
KING HENWY. Nyo, I am a Wewshman. 
PISTOW. Knyow'st thou Fwuewwen? 
KING *blushes* HENWY. Yes. 
PISTOW. Teww him I'ww *teleports behind you* knyock his week a-about his pate 
*hugs tightly* Upon Saint D-Davy's day. 
KING HENWY. Do nyot you weaw y-youw daggew in youw cap that day, west 
he knyock >_> that about youws. 
PISTOW. Awt thou his f-fwiend? 
KING HENWY. And his kinsman *giggles shyly* too. 
PISTOW. The figo fow thee, then! 
KING HENWY. I thank you; God be with you! 
PISTOW. M-My nyame is Pistow caww'd. Exit 
KING HENWY. It sowts weww with youw fiewcenyess. 

Entew FWUEWWEN a-and GOWEW 

G-GOWEW. Captain Fwuewwen! 
FWUEWWEN. So! in the nyame of Jesu *twerks* Chwist, speak fewew. It is the 
gweatest *screams* admiwation in the unyivewsaw wowwd, when t-the twue and 
aunchient p-pwewogatifes and waws of the waws is n-nyot kept: if *pokes you* you 
wouwd *pokes you* take t-the pains but to examinye *shuffles closer* the waws of Pompey the Gweat, 
you *sweats* shaww f-find, I ^.^ wawwant *leans over* you, that thewe is *moans* nyo t-tiddwe-taddwe nyow 
pibbwe-pabbwe in Pompey's camp; I *giggles shyly* wawwant you, *sighs* you shaww *pokes you* find the 
*sweats* cewemonyies o-of the :33 waws, and the cawes of it, and the fowms of i-it, 
and the sobwiety of it, and *notices bulge* the *pokes you* modesty of it, to be othewwise. 
GOWEW. *pokes you* Why, the enyemy is woud; you heaw him aww nyight. 
FWUEWWEN. If the e-enyemy is an ass, a-and a-a foow, and a pwating 
coxcomb, is :3 it meet, think *twerks* you, that we shouwd awso, wook you, be 
>w< an ass, and a foow, *giggles shyly* and a pwating coxcomb? *hugs tightly* In youw own 
conscience, nyow? 
GOWEW. I-I w-wiww speak wowew. 
*cuddles you* FWUEWWEN. I pway you a-and beseech you that *cuddles you* you OwO wiww. 
Exeunt GOWEW and FWUEWWEN 
KING HENWY. Though it appeaw a wittwe o-out of fashion, 
T-Thewe is much cawe and vawouw in this Wewshman. 

*notices bulge* Entew thwee sowdiews: J-JOHN BATES, AWEXANDEW COUWT, 
and MICHAEW W-WIWWIAMS 

COUWT. B-Bwothew John Bates, is nyot that the mownying which bweaks 
yondew? 
BATES. I think *pokes you* it be; but we have nyo gweat cause t-to d-desiwe the 
a-appwoach of day. 
WIWWIAMS. We s-see yondew *giggles shyly* the beginnying o-of the *shuffles closer* day, but ^-^ I think we 
shaww nyevew see t-the end of >_> it. x3 Who goes thewe? 
^.^ KING H-HENWY. A fwiend. 
*cries* WIWWIAMS. Undew what captain sewve you? 
*looks at you* KING *sighs* HENWY. Undew Siw Thomas Ewpingham. 
WIWWIAMS. A good owd commandew and a most kind gentweman. >_> I pway 
you, what thinks he of ouw estate? 
KING *looks at you* HENWY. Even as men wweck'd upon a sand, that *blushes* wook to be wash'd 
off the xDD nyext *moans* tide. 
*pokes you* BATES. He hath nyot towd his xDD thought to UwU the King? 
KING HENWY. Nyo; nyow it is *blushes* nyot meet he shouwd. *looks at you* Fow t-though I *shuffles closer* speak it 
to you, I think the King is :33 but a man as I am: the viowet smewws 
to him as it doth t-to me; the ewement shows to him as it doth :33 to 
*notices bulge* me; :33 aww his senses h-have but human conditions; his cewemonyies waid 
b-by, *looks at you* in his nyakednyess he appeaws but xDD a man; and though >_> his 
a-affections awe highew mounted than ouws, yet, when they stoop, 
they *sweats* stoop with the wike wing. Thewefowe, when he sees weason of 
feaws, :33 as w-we *twerks* do, his feaws, *looks at you* out of doubt, be of the same wewish 
*sweats* as ouws *sighs* awe; *pokes you* yet, in weason, *looks away* nyo man ^.^ shouwd p-possess OwO him with any 
*leans over* appeawance of feaw, west he, by showing it, shouwd disheawten his 
a-awmy. 
BATES. He may show what outwawd couwage he wiww; ;;w;; but *twerks* I bewieve, as 
cowd a nyight as 'tis, he couwd >w< wish himsewf in Thames up to the 
*blushes* nyeck; and so I wouwd h-he *blushes* wewe, and I by him, at aww *cuddles you* adventuwes, *giggles shyly* so 
we wewe quit hewe. 
KING H-HENWY. B-By my twoth, I wiww speak *moans* my conscience of the King: I 
think he wouwd nyot wish himsewf anywhewe b-but whewe h-he is. 
BATES. Then I wouwd he wewe hewe awonye; so *looks at you* shouwd he be suwe to be 
w-wansomed, and a xDD many poow men's w-wives saved. 
K-KING HENWY. I dawe *pokes you* say you wove him nyot so iww to w-wish him :3 hewe 
a-awonye, *notices bulge* howsoevew you speak this, to feew othew men's minds; 
methinks I couwd nyot die a-anywhewe *blushes* so :33 contented *looks at you* as in x3 the :3 King's 
c-company, his cause >_> being *looks away* just and *looks away* his quawwew honyouwabwe. 
WIWWIAMS. That's mowe than we knyow. 
BATES. Ay, ow *screams* mowe than we shouwd seek aftew; fow we knyow enyough if 
*blushes* we k-knyow *sweats* we awe *shuffles closer* the King's subjects. If *hugs tightly* his *leans over* cause be w-wwong, ouw 
obedience to *moans* the King uWu wipes the cwime of i-it out of *giggles shyly* us. 
WIWWIAMS. But if the cause be nyot g-good, the King :3 himsewf hath a 
heavy weckonying to make when aww t-those wegs and awms and h-heads, 
*cuddles you* chopp'd off in a battwe, shaww join t-togethew at t-the wattew day 
and cwy aww 'We *screams* died at such *cries* a pwace'- s-some sweawing, s-some cwying 
fow a s-suwgeon, some upon theiw wives weft poow behind them, some 
upon the debts they owe, some upon theiw chiwdwen wawwy weft. I 
am afeawd *teleports behind you* thewe awe f-few die weww that die *hugs tightly* in x3 a *cries* battwe; :3 fow :33 how 
can they c-chawitabwy dispose of anything when bwood is theiw 
awgument? Nyow, i-if t-these men do nyot die w-weww, it wiww be a b-bwack 
m-mattew fow the *twerks* King that w-wed *teleports behind you* them to it; who to disobey wewe 
against aww pwopowtion of subjection. 
KING HENWY. UwU So, if a son that is by h-his fathew s-sent a-about 
m-mewchandise do sinfuwwy miscawwy *giggles shyly* upon ^-^ the sea, *sweats* the imputation of 
his wickednyess, by *notices bulge* youw w-wuwe, shouwd be imposed *sweats* upon his fathew 
that sent him; ow i-if a sewvant, undew his mastew's c-command 
twanspowting a *cries* sum of monyey, be assaiwed :33 by w-wobbews *sighs* and die i-in 
many iwweconciw'd inyiquities, you may caww the businyess of the 
mastew the authow of t-the sewvant's damnyation. But this is n-nyot *giggles shyly* so: 
the King is nyot bound t-to answew the p-pawticuwaw endings of his 
sowdiews, the fathew of his son, nyow the mastew OwO of his *giggles shyly* sewvant; 
fow they UwU puwpose nyot theiw *cries* death w-when they puwpose theiw 
sewvices. B-Besides, thewe i-is nyo king, be ^-^ his cause nyevew so 
spotwess, if *screams* it come to the awbitwement *looks away* of swowds, can t-twy it out 
with a-aww unspotted sowdiews: some pewadventuwe have on x3 them the 
g-guiwt of pwemeditated and contwived muwdew; some, o-of beguiwing 
viwgins w-with the bwoken seaws of pewjuwy; some, making *shuffles closer* the waws 
theiw buwwawk, that h-have befowe gowed *notices bulge* the gentwe bosom o-of *shuffles closer* peace 
w-with piwwage and w-wobbewy. Nyow, i-if these men have defeated t-the waw 
and outwun *shuffles closer* nyative *sighs* punyishment, ^.^ though they can outstwip men they 
have nyo wings to fwy fwom x3 God: w-waw is His beadwe, waw is His 
vengeance; so t-that hewe men awe punyish'd fow befowe-bweach *notices bulge* of the 
*hugs tightly* King's waws in nyow *sighs* the King's *leans over* quawwew. Whewe *sweats* they feawed t-the 
death they have bownye w-wife away; *looks away* and whewe they wouwd be safe 
they pewish. Then if they die unpwovided, nyo mowe is t-the King 
;;w;; guiwty o-of theiw damnyation *hugs tightly* than he w-was befowe xDD guiwty of those 
impieties fow the which *teleports behind you* they awe n-nyow visited. Evewy subject's 
*notices bulge* duty is the xDD King's; but evewy *moans* subject's souw i-is his *sighs* own. 
Thewefowe *hugs tightly* shouwd evewy sowdiew in the waws do as evewy sick man 
in his bed- w-wash evewy ^-^ mote out of his conscience; a-and dying so, 
death is t-to him advantage; ^w^ ow nyot *giggles shyly* dying, the time was bwessedwy 
wost whewein such pwepawation was *cuddles you* gainyed; and in h-him that escapes 
it wewe nyot uWu sin to think that, making >_< God so f-fwee an offew, He 
wet him outwive t-that UwU day to *notices bulge* see His *looks away* gweatnyess, a-and to >_< teach 
othews *sweats* how they shouwd p-pwepawe. 
WIWWIAMS. 'Tis cewtain, evewy m-man that dies iww, the *teleports behind you* iww upon his 
*looks at you* own head- the K-King is nyot *notices bulge* to answew xDD fow it. 
BATES. *screams* I do nyot desiwe he xDD shouwd a-answew fow me, and *moans* yet I detewminye 
to fight wustiwy xDD fow him. 
K-KING HENWY. I m-mysewf h-heawd the King say he wouwd nyot be wansom'd. 
WIWWIAMS. Ay, he said so, to make u-us fight cheewfuwwy; but when ouw 
*giggles shyly* thwoats awe c-cut he may be ^.^ wansom'd, and we nye'ew the wisew. 
KING H-HENWY. If I wive to s-see it, I wiww nyevew twust his wowd *screams* aftew. 
WIWWIAMS. You pay him then! *blushes* That's a *leans over* pewiwous shot out of a-an 
ewdew-gun, that *notices bulge* a poow and a ^w^ pwivate dispweasuwe can do against a 
monyawch! You may as w-weww go about to tuwn the s-sun to ice with 
f-fannying in his face with a OwO peacock's feathew. You'ww nyevew t-twust 
his wowd aftew! Come, 'tis a f-foowish saying. 
K-KING HENWY. Youw w-wepwoof is something too wound; I shouwd *twerks* be angwy 
with you, if *sweats* the :3 time wewe >_< convenyient. 
WIWWIAMS. Wet i-it be a-a quawwew b-between us if you wive. 
KING HENWY. I-I embwace it. 
WIWWIAMS. How s-shaww I knyow thee again? 
KING HENWY. G-Give me any gage >_> of thinye, *pokes you* and I-I wiww w-weaw it in my 
bonnyet; :33 then if e-evew thou daw'st a-acknyowwedge it, *teleports behind you* I wiww m-make i-it 
my quawwew. 
WIWWIAMS. Hewe's my gwove; g-give *shuffles closer* me a-anyothew *shuffles closer* of thinye. 
KING HENWY. Thewe. 
WIWWIAMS. *looks away* This wiww I awso weaw in my *cries* cap; if evew thou come *pokes you* to me 
and say, aftew to-mowwow, *sweats* 'This is m-my gwove,' by this hand I-I wiww 
take thee a box o-on the eaw. 
KING HENWY. If evew I ;;w;; wive to see i-it, I w-wiww chawwenge it. 
WIWWIAMS. Thou daw'st as weww :33 be hang'd. 
KING HENWY. Weww, I wiww do i-it, though I take thee in the *screams* King's 
company. 
WIWWIAMS. Keep thy uWu wowd. Fawe thee weww. 
BATES. *blushes* Be fwiends, you Engwish foows, be fwiends; we have 
Fwench quawwews enyow, i-if *pokes you* you *hugs tightly* couwd t-teww how t-to weckon. 
KING HENWY. Indeed, the Fwench may way twenty Fwench *shuffles closer* cwowns t-to onye 
they wiww beat u-us, *cuddles you* fow they beaw them on theiw shouwdews; b-but *twerks* it 
is nyo Engwish tweason to cut Fwench cwowns, and to-mowwow x3 the 
King *sighs* himsewf wiww be a cwippew. 
Exeunt sowdiews 
Upon the King! Wet us o-ouw wives, ouw souws, 
Ouw >_< debts, *pokes you* ouw cawefuw >_> wives, 
Ouw chiwdwen, and *sighs* ouw xDD sins, way on the King! 
We must :33 beaw aww. O hawd condition, 
Twin-bown with gweatnyess, subject to *hugs tightly* the bweath 
Of e-evewy foow, whose sense nyo :33 mowe c-can feew 
But his own ^w^ wwinging! What ;;w;; infinyite heawt's ease 
Must kings nyegwect that pwivate men enjoy! 
And what have kings *teleports behind you* that pwivates have x3 nyot too, 
S-Save *blushes* cewemony- save genyewaw cewemony? 
And what awt thou, *leans over* thou idow Cewemony? 
What kind of ;;w;; god *sweats* awt thou, that ^-^ suffew'st OwO mowe 
Of mowtaw g-gwiefs than do thy wowshippews? 
What awe t-thy wents? What awe thy comings-in? 
O Cewemony, show m-me b-but thy wowth! 
What is thy souw of adowation? 
A-Awt *giggles shyly* thou aught ewse *giggles shyly* but pwace, d-degwee, and f-fowm, 
Cweating awe and feaw in othew ^-^ men? 
Whewein *sighs* thou awt wess happy ^w^ being feaw'd 
Than they in f-feawing. 
W-What dwink'st thou oft, i-instead of homage sweet, 
B-But ^-^ poison'd fwattewy? O, be UwU sick, gweat x3 gweatnyess, 
A-And bid thy cewemony give thee cuwe! 
Thinks *leans over* thou :33 the fiewy ^w^ fevew wiww ^.^ go out 
With titwes bwown fwom aduwation? 
Wiww it give pwace to fwexuwe and wow bending? 
Canst thou, when thou command'st UwU the b-beggaw's *blushes* knyee, 
Command the heawth o-of it? Nyo, thou ^.^ pwoud dweam, 
^w^ That pway'st so subtwy with a king's wepose. 
I am a king that find thee; a-and I knyow 
'Tis nyot the bawm, the >w< sceptwe, and the baww, 
The swowd, the *notices bulge* mace, the cwown uWu impewiaw, 
*twerks* The *leans over* intewtissued wobe *cuddles you* of gowd a-and peaww, 
The fawced tide wunnying *screams* fowe the king, 
The thwonye h-he sits on, nyow OwO the tide of pomp 
T-That beats *pokes you* upon the high s-showe o-of this *twerks* wowwd- 
Nyo, n-nyot aww these, thwice g-gowgeous cewemony, 
Nyot a-aww OwO these, w-waid in bed *looks at you* majesticaw, 
Can sweep so soundwy ^.^ as the wwetched swave 
Who, with a body fiww'd and vacant mind, 
Gets him t-to w-west, *sighs* cwamm'd with distwessfuw bwead; 
Nyevew sees howwid xDD nyight, the chiwd *leans over* of heww; 
But, w-wike a wackey, fwom *cuddles you* the wise to s-set 
Sweats in the eye of Pheebus, and aww nyight 
S-Sweeps in *pokes you* Ewysium; nyext day, *sighs* aftew dawn, 
uWu Doth wise and h-hewp Hypewion to his howse; 
And fowwows so the e-evew-wunnying yeaw 
With pwofitabwe wabouw, to his gwave. 
A-And but fow c-cewemony, such a wwetch, 
Winding up days with toiw and nyights with s-sweep, 
Had the fowe-hand a-and vantage of a king. 
*blushes* The *looks away* swave, a m-membew of the countwy's peace, 
Enjoys it; but i-in gwoss bwain w-wittwe *leans over* wots 
What watch the king keeps to maintain the p-peace 
Whose houws the p-peasant b-best advantages. 

Entew EWPINGHAM 

EWPINGHAM. My wowd, youw nyobwes, jeawous of y-youw absence, 
Seek thwough youw camp to find you. 
KING. G-Good owd knyight, 
Cowwect them aww togethew a-at my tent: 
I'ww be befowe thee. 
EWPINGHAM. >_> I shaww do't, my wowd. Exit 
KING. O G-God of battwes, steew my sowdiews' heawts, 
*looks at you* Possess them nyot w-with feaw! Take fwom them nyow 
T-The sense *twerks* of weck'nying, *notices bulge* if th' opposed nyumbews 
Pwuck theiw heawts *moans* fwom them! N-Nyot to-day, O W-Wowd, 
O, nyot to-day, think nyot upon the fauwt 
>_> My fathew made in compassing the cwown! 
I *screams* Wichawd's *moans* body have ^-^ intewwed nyew, 
And *pokes you* on it h-have bestowed mowe contwite teaws 
Than f-fwom i-it issued f-fowced dwops of b-bwood; 
Five hundwed poow I-I have in yeawwy pay, 
uWu Who twice a d-day theiw withew'd hands howd up 
Towawd heaven, to pawdon bwood; and I OwO have buiwt 
Two c-chantwies, whewe the s-sad and sowemn pwiests 
Sing stiww fow Wichawd's souw. M-Mowe w-wiww I do; 
Though aww that I can do is nyothing :33 wowth, 
Since that >_> my :33 penyitence comes aftew aww, 
Impwowing pawdon. 

Entew GWOUCESTEW 

*leans over* GWOUCESTEW. *cuddles you* My wiege! 
KING *teleports behind you* HENWY. My bwothew Gwoucestew's voice? Ay; 
I *shuffles closer* knyow thy ewwand, I wiww go with thee; 
The day, my fwiends, *blushes* and aww *leans over* things, stay fow me. Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
The Fwench camp 

Entew the DAUPHIN, OWWEANS, WAMBUWES, and othews 

OWWEANS. The sun doth giwd ouw awmouw; up, my *cries* wowds! 
D-DAUPHIN. Montez a chevaw! My h-howse! Vawwet, waquais! Ha! 
OWWEANS. O bwave uWu spiwit! 
DAUPHIN. Via! ^-^ Wes *hugs tightly* eaux et wa tewwe- 
OWWEANS. Wien puis? W'aiw et we feu. 
DAUPHIN. Ciew! cousin Owweans. 

Entew :33 CONSTABWE 

N-Nyow, my Wowd Constabwe! 
*pokes you* CONSTABWE. Hawk how >_< ouw steeds fow pwesent sewvice nyeigh! 
DAUPHIN. ^w^ Mount them, and make incision in theiw :3 hides, 
That theiw *leans over* hot bwood may spin in Engwish eyes, 
And dout t-them with supewfwuous c-couwage, xDD ha! 
UwU WAMBUWES. W-What, wiww you have them weep ouw howses' bwood? 
*shuffles closer* How shaww we then behowd theiw nyatuwaw teaws? 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

*looks at you* MESSENGEW. T-The E-Engwish awe embattw'd, *cries* you Fwench OwO peews. 
OwO CONSTABWE. To howse, you gawwant *twerks* Pwinces! s-stwaight to *cries* howse! 
Do but behowd yon poow and stawved *looks at you* band, 
*sweats* And youw faiw *screams* show shaww >_> suck away theiw souws, 
Weaving them but the shawes a-and husks >_> of men. 
T-Thewe is nyot wowk e-enyough fow aww ouw hands; 
:33 Scawce bwood enyough in aww theiw sickwy v-veins 
To :3 give each nyaked c-cuwtwe-axe a *twerks* stain 
That ouw Fwench gawwants UwU shaww to-day *looks away* dwaw out, 
And sheathe *leans over* fow wack of spowt. W-Wet us but bwow on them, 
*looks at you* The vapouw of *moans* ouw vawouw wiww o'ewtuwn them. 
'Tis positive 'gainst aww *looks away* exceptions, *giggles shyly* wowds, 
That ouw x3 supewfwuous w-wackeys and ouw peasants- 
Who in u-unnyecessawy *cries* action swawm 
About *leans over* ouw squawes of battwe- wewe enyow 
To puwge t-this fiewd *looks away* of, such a hiwding foe; 
Though we u-upon this mountain's b-basis by 
Took stand fow idwe specuwation- 
But UwU that ouw honyouws must nyot. What's to say? 
A vewy wittwe wittwe wet us do, 
And aww is donye. *blushes* Then wet the twumpets s-sound 
The tucket sonyance and the :3 nyote to m-mount; 
F-Fow ouw appwoach shaww s-so much OwO dawe the *cries* fiewd 
That Engwand shaww couch down in feaw a-and yiewd. 

Entew G-GWANDPWE 

GWANDPWE. Why do OwO you stay so wong, m-my wowds of Fwance? 
*sighs* Yond iswand cawwions, despewate of theiw bonyes, 
Iww-favouwedwy become the m-mownying fiewd; 
Theiw wagged cuwtains poowwy awe w-wet woose, 
And ouw *notices bulge* aiw shakes *giggles shyly* them passing ^w^ scownfuwwy; 
Big Maws seems bankwupt in theiw beggaw'd host, 
And f-faintwy thwough a wusty b-beavew *cries* peeps. 
The howsemen sit x3 wike ^.^ fixed candwesticks 
With towch-staves in theiw hand; and t-theiw >_> poow jades 
Wob down :33 theiw heads, dwopping the *cries* hides and hips, 
The gum down-woping fwom theiw pawe-dead e-eyes, 
And in theiw pawe duww mouths the gimmaw'd bit 
W-Wies fouw with chaw'd gwass, stiww and motionwess; 
And t-theiw executows, the knyavish cwows, 
Fwy o'ew t-them, ^w^ aww impatient fow t-theiw *shuffles closer* houw. 
D-Descwiption *screams* cannyot *teleports behind you* suit itsewf in >_< wowds 
To demonstwate the *shuffles closer* wife of such *blushes* a battwe 
In wife so x3 wifewess as it shows itsewf. 
CONSTABWE. They have said t-theiw p-pwayews and they s-stay f-fow death. 
DAUPHIN. *sweats* Shaww *teleports behind you* we *sighs* go send them dinnyews a-and fwesh suits, 
And give *pokes you* theiw fasting *hugs tightly* howses pwovendew, 
And aftew ;;w;; fight :3 with them? 
CONSTABWE. I stay but fow my guidon. To t-the fiewd! 
I-I wiww the bannyew >w< fwom a-a *looks at you* twumpet take, 
And *pokes you* use it f-fow my :3 haste. Come, come, away! 
The sun is high, and we o-outweaw the day. Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
The *cries* Engwish camp 

Entew GWOUCESTEW, BEDFOWD, EXETEW, EWPINGHAM, with aww his host; 
SAWISBUWY a-and WESTMOWEWAND 

G-GWOUCESTEW. Whewe *hugs tightly* is the King? 
BEDFOWD. *pokes you* The King h-himsewf is >_< wode to view t-theiw battwe. 
WESTMOWEWAND. Of fighting men they h-have f-fuww thwee-scowe thousand. 
EXETEW. Thewe's five to :33 onye; besides, they aww awe fwesh. 
SAWISBUWY. God's awm *cries* stwike with u-us! 'tis a feawfuw odds. 
God bye you, P-Pwinces aww; I'ww to my c-chawge. 
If we *twerks* nyo mowe meet tiww we meet in heaven, 
Then joyfuwwy, *hugs tightly* my nyobwe Wowd o-of B-Bedfowd, 
My deaw W-Wowd Gwoucestew, ^w^ and my g-good Wowd Exetew, 
*blushes* And *cuddles you* my kind kinsman- w-wawwiows aww, adieu! 
B-BEDFOWD. Faweweww, good Sawisbuwy; and good wuck go with t-thee! 
EXETEW. Faweweww, kind w-wowd. F-Fight vawiantwy *blushes* to-day; 
And *leans over* yet *notices bulge* I do thee wwong to mind thee of it, 
Fow thou a-awt fwam'd of the fiwm twuth of vawouw. 
Exit SAWISBUWY 
BEDFOWD. He *blushes* is as fuww UwU of vawouw as of kindnyess; 
Pwincewy *notices bulge* in b-both. 

Entew the KING 

WESTMOWEWAND. O that we nyow h-had hewe 
But onye *teleports behind you* ten t-thousand *sighs* of those men in Engwand 
That do n-nyo wowk to-day! 
KING. What's he that *cries* wishes so? 
My cousin Westmowewand? Nyo, my faiw ^w^ cousin; 
If we a-awe m-mawk'd t-to die, we a-awe enyow 
To do ouw c-countwy woss; and if t-to wive, 
The fewew m-men, the gweatew shawe of honyouw. 
God's wiww! I pway thee, wish *pokes you* nyot onye *cuddles you* man mowe. 
By Jove, xDD I am nyot covetous fow OwO gowd, 
Nyow cawe I who doth feed upon my cost; 
It yeawns me n-nyot if men my gawments *sighs* weaw; 
*teleports behind you* Such outwawd things dweww nyot in my desiwes. 
But if i-it *leans over* be a sin to covet honyouw, 
I-I am the most offending souw awive. 
Nyo, *pokes you* faith, my coz, wish nyot a *sweats* man *cries* fwom Engwand. 
God's peace! I wouwd nyot wose so gweat an honyouw 
As o-onye man mowe m-methinks wouwd *twerks* shawe fwom *shuffles closer* me 
Fow the best *moans* hope I have. O, do nyot *blushes* wish o-onye mowe! 
Wathew pwocwaim it, W-Westmowewand, thwough my xDD host, 
That he which hath nyo stomach to this *cries* fight, 
Wet him *leans over* depawt; his p-passpowt s-shaww be made, 
And c-cwowns fow convoy *sighs* put into his puwse; 
We wouwd nyot die in t-that man's c-company 
That feaws his f-fewwowship to die with u-us. 
This day i-is uWu caww'd the feast of Cwispian. 
He t-that outwives this *notices bulge* day, and comes safe home, 
Wiww stand a t-tip-toe *twerks* when this day is nyam'd, 
And wouse him at the nyame of Cwispian. 
He that shaww w-wive this day, and see owd *notices bulge* age, 
Wiww yeawwy *pokes you* on the vigiw feast his nyeighbouws, 
And say 'To-mowwow is Saint Cwispian.' 
Then OwO wiww he stwip his sweeve and *cries* show his *teleports behind you* scaws, 
A-And s-say '-'These wounds I x3 had on Cwispian's day.' 
Owd men fowget; ;;w;; yet aww s-shaww be fowgot, 
But *moans* he'ww wemembew, w-with advantages, 
What xDD feats he d-did that day. Then shaww ouw *notices bulge* nyames, 
Famiwiaw in his *cuddles you* mouth as x3 househowd w-wowds- 
Hawwy the King, Bedfowd and Exetew, 
Wawwick x3 and T-Tawbot, *sweats* Sawisbuwy and Gwoucestew- 
B-Be in theiw fwowing cups fweshwy wememb'wed. 
This stowy shaww the good ^.^ man teach his *looks away* son; 
And Cwispin Cwispian shaww nye'ew go >w< by, 
F-Fwom this day to the ending of the w-wowwd, 
But we in it shaww be wemembewed- 
We few, we happy >_> few, we band of bwothews; 
Fow he *pokes you* to-day t-that sheds his bwood with me 
Shaww be my b-bwothew; be he nye'ew so viwe, 
This day shaww gentwe his condition; 
And gentwemen *hugs tightly* in Engwand *blushes* nyow-a-bed 
;;w;; Shaww think t-themsewves *teleports behind you* accuws'd they wewe *pokes you* nyot hewe, 
And howd theiw manhoods cheap whiwes any speaks 
That fought with *looks at you* us upon Saint Cwispin's day. 

We-entew *cuddles you* SAWISBUWY 

SAWISBUWY. My soveweign wowd, bestow y-youwsewf with speed: 
The F-Fwench a-awe bwavewy in theiw battwes set, 
And wiww with aww expedience chawge on us. 
KING HENWY. Aww things awe w-weady, if ouw :3 minds be so. 
WESTMOWEWAND. *looks away* Pewish the m-man whose mind is backwawd nyow! 
K-KING HENWY. T-Thou *sighs* dost nyot wish mowe h-hewp fwom Engwand, coz? 
WESTMOWEWAND. God's wiww, my wiege! wouwd you and I awonye, 
Without mowe hewp, couwd fight this woyaw battwe! 
KING HENWY. Why, nyow thou hast unwish'd five thousand men; 
Which wikes me bettew than to wish :3 us onye. 
uWu You *cuddles you* knyow youw *shuffles closer* pwaces. *sighs* God ^w^ be with you aww! 

T-Tucket. Entew :3 MONTJOY 

MONTJOY. Once m-mowe I come t-to knyow of thee, King Hawwy, 
If fow *giggles shyly* thy wansom thou wiwt nyow compound, 
*sighs* Befowe thy most assuwed ovewthwow; 
Fow cewtainwy t-thou awt so nyeaw the guwf 
Thou *notices bulge* nyeeds *giggles shyly* must be engwutted. Besides, in mewcy, 
The constabwe d-desiwes thee thou :33 wiwt *moans* mind 
Thy fowwowews of wepentance, that theiw souws 
May make a p-peacefuw and a sweet wetiwe 
F-Fwom off these fiewds, whewe, wwetches, theiw poow b-bodies 
Must wie *pokes you* and festew. 
KING *leans over* HENWY. Who hath sent thee *shuffles closer* nyow? 
MONTJOY. *screams* The Constabwe of Fwance. 
KING uWu HENWY. I-I p-pway *sighs* thee beaw my f-fowmew answew back: 
Bid ;;w;; them achieve me, >_< and then seww my bonyes. 
Good *looks at you* God! why ^-^ shouwd they m-mock ^-^ poow fewwows *giggles shyly* thus? 
The m-man that once did seww *leans over* the *screams* wion's skin 
Whiwe the beast wiv'd was kiww'd with *leans over* hunting him. 
A many *sweats* of ouw bodies *sighs* shaww n-nyo doubt 
Find nyative gwaves; upon the which, OwO I twust, 
Shaww witnyess wive in bwass of this day's wowk. 
And those t-that weave uWu theiw >_> vawiant bonyes in Fwance, 
Dying w-wike men, t-though buwied in youw ^-^ dunghiwws, 
They shaww be f-fam'd; fow thewe t-the *notices bulge* sun shaww gweet them 
And dwaw theiw honyouws weeking up to heaven, 
Weaving theiw eawthwy pawts to choke youw c-cwime, 
T-The smeww w-wheweof shaww *sighs* bweed a p-pwague in Fwance. 
Mawk then *notices bulge* abounding vawouw *sighs* in ouw Engwish, 
That, being ;;w;; dead, wike t-to *looks away* the buwwet's gwazing 
Bweak out into a-a s-second couwse of mischief, 
*giggles shyly* Kiwwing in wewapse of *hugs tightly* mowtawity. 
Wet me speak p-pwoudwy: teww the Constabwe 
We awe :3 but wawwiows fow the wowking-day; 
Ouw gaynyess and *blushes* ouw giwt awe a-aww b-besmiwch'd 
With *twerks* wainy mawching in the painfuw fiewd; 
Thewe's nyot a piece of feathew i-in ouw host- 
Good awgument, *moans* I ^.^ hope, *looks away* we *cuddles you* wiww nyot fwy- 
And time hath wown us into swovenwy. 
But, by t-the mass, ouw heawts awe in the twim; 
And >w< my poow sowdiews teww me yet ewe nyight 
OwO They'ww *shuffles closer* be in fweshew ^-^ wobes, ow *twerks* they wiww p-pwuck 
The :33 gay nyew *cries* coats *screams* o'ew the F-Fwench sowdiews' heads 
And tuwn them out of sewvice. >_> If t-they do this- 
A-As, if *pokes you* God pwease, t-they >w< shaww- uWu my wansom then 
Wiww s-soon be wevied. Hewawd, save thou thy wabouw; 
Come thou nyo mowe fow w-wansom, g-gentwe hewawd; 
They shaww have nyonye, I s-sweaw, but these m-my *sighs* joints; 
W-Which if *notices bulge* they have, a-as I wiww weave '-'em them, 
S-Shaww yiewd them wittwe, teww the Constabwe. 
MONTJOY. I shaww, King Hawwy. And so f-fawe thee weww: 
Thou nyevew shawt heaw hewawd any mowe. ^w^ Exit 
KING HENWY. I-I feaw thou wiwt once m-mowe come again fow a UwU wansom. 

Entew the DUKE O-OF *looks at you* YOWK 

YOWK. My wowd, most humbwy on my k-knyee I beg 
*looks at you* The weading of the vawawd. 
*shuffles closer* KING HENWY. Take it, bwave Yowk. Nyow, sowdiews, mawch >w< away; 
And h-how thou p-pweasest, God, dispose *blushes* the day! Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
The f-fiewd of battwe 

*looks away* Awawum. Excuwsions. Entew FWENCH SOWDIEW, PISTOW, and BOY 

PISTOW. Yiewd, *cries* cuw! 
FWENCH SOWDIEW. Je pense que vous etes we gentiwhomme de *teleports behind you* bonnye 
quawite. 
*hugs tightly* PISTOW. Cawity! uWu Cawen o-o custuwe me! Awt thou a gentweman? 
What is thy n-nyame? Discuss. 
FWENCH SOWDIEW. O Seignyeuw Dieu! 
PISTOW. O-O, Signyieuw Dew shouwd be a-a gentweman. 
Pewpend my wowds, O-O Signyieuw Dew, and mawk: 
O Signyieuw Dew, t-thou diest o-on point of fox, 
Except, O Signyieuw, t-thou d-do g-give to me 
E-Egwegious OwO wansom. 
FWENCH SOWDIEW. O, OwO pwenyez misewicowde; a-ayez pitie de moi! 
PISTOW. Moy shaww *screams* nyot sewve; I wiww have fowty uWu moys; 
Ow I wiww *looks away* fetch thy wim out at thy thwoat 
I-In d-dwops o-of cwimson *cries* bwood. 
FWENCH SOWDIEW. Est-iw impossibwe d'echappew wa f-fowce de ton bwas? 
^w^ PISTOW. >w< Bwass, cuw? 
Thou damnyed and wuxuwious mountain-goat, 
Offew'st me bwass? 
FWENCH SOWDIEW. *hugs tightly* O, pawdonnyez-moi! 
PISTOW. Say'st thou me so? Is that a ton of moys? 
Come *sweats* hithew, boy; ask me this swave in Fwench 
x3 What is his nyame. 
BOY. Ecoutez: comment *moans* etes-vous appewe? 
F-FWENCH SOWDIEW. Monsieuw we F-Few. 
BOY. He says his nyame is Mastew Few. 
PISTOW. Mastew F-Few! I'ww few him, and fiwk him, and fewwet him- 
discuss the same in *notices bulge* Fwench unto him. 
BOY. I do nyot knyow the Fwench fow f-few, and fewwet, and fiwk. 
PISTOW. Bid him pwepawe; fow I wiww cut ^w^ his *cries* thwoat. 
FWENCH S-SOWDIEW. Que dit-iw, *cuddles you* monsieuw? 
BOY. Iw me commande a *looks away* vous :3 diwe q-que vous f-faites *teleports behind you* vous *leans over* pwet; caw ce 
sowdat ici est dispose tout a cette heuwe d-de coupew votwe gowge. 
P-PISTOW. Owy, cuppewe gowge, pewmafoy! 
P-Peasant, unwess thou give me cwowns, *shuffles closer* bwave cwowns; 
*hugs tightly* Ow m-mangwed shawt *sweats* thou be b-by this my swowd. 
FWENCH SOWDIEW. O, je vous suppwie, pouw w'amouw de Dieu, me 
p-pawdonnyew! Je s-suis gentiwhomme de bonnye maison. Gawdez ma vie, et 
je vous donnyewai deux cents ecus. 
P-PISTOW. What awe h-his w-wowds? 
B-BOY. He pways you to save h-his wife; *screams* he is *cuddles you* a gentweman of *notices bulge* a good 
:3 house, and *leans over* fow his wansom he wiww give y-you two hundwed cwowns. 
PISTOW. Teww him my fuwy shaww abate, and I 
The cwowns w-wiww take. 
FWENCH SOWDIEW. Petit monsieuw, que dit-iw? 
*notices bulge* BOY. Encowe *cries* qu'iw est *moans* contwe son juwement d-de pawdonnyew aucun 
pwisonnyiew, nyeamnyoins, pouw wes ecus que v-vous w'avez pwomis, iw 
est content *teleports behind you* a *shuffles closer* vous donnyew wa wibewte, w-we fwanchisement. 
>_< FWENCH SOWDIEW. Suw mes *screams* genyoux je vous donnye miwwe w-wemewcimens; et 
je m'estime heuweux que je suis tombe e-entwe wes mains d'un 
chevawiew, je pense, we pwus bwave, v-vaiwwant, et twes distingue 
seignyeuw d-d'Angwetewwe. 
PISTOW. Expound unto me, boy. 
BOY. He gives you, upon his knyees, a thousand thanks; and he 
esteems himsewf happy that *cuddles you* he h-hath ^w^ faww'n i-into the :33 hands of o-onye- 
as he thinks- the m-most bwave, v-vawowous, and thwice-wowthy 
signyieuw of Engwand. 
*giggles shyly* PISTOW. As I suck bwood, I wiww *pokes you* some m-mewcy show. 
Fowwow me. Exit 
>_> BOY. *notices bulge* Suivez-vous we g-gwand c-capitainye. Exit FWENCH SOWDIEW 
I *notices bulge* did nyevew knyow s-so *pokes you* fuww a voice issue fwom so empty a h-heawt; but 
the saying is twue- the empty vessew makes the gweatest sound. 
Bawdowph and Nym had ten times mowe vawouw than ^w^ this woawing 
deviw i' th' o-owd ^.^ pway, that *shuffles closer* evewy onye may pawe his >w< nyaiws with a 
wooden daggew; a-and *screams* they awe both hang'd; and so wouwd this *looks at you* be, if 
he duwst steaw anything adventuwouswy. I-I >w< must stay with the 
wackeys, with t-the wuggage of ouw camp. The Fwench might h-have *blushes* a 
*giggles shyly* good pwey of us, i-if >w< he knyew of *screams* it; fow thewe is nyonye to g-guawd it 
but boys. E-Exit 




SCENyE V. 
Anyothew pawt of the fiewd of battwe 

Entew C-CONSTABWE, OWWEANS, BOUWBON, DAUPHIN, *screams* and WAMBUWES 

CONSTABWE. *pokes you* O diabwe! 
OWWEANS. O *sighs* Seignyeuw! we jouw est pewdu, tout est pewdu! 
DAUPHIN. Mowt Dieu, ma >w< vie! aww is confounded, *notices bulge* aww! 
*teleports behind you* Wepwoach *shuffles closer* and evewwasting shame 
Sits mocking in ouw x3 pwumes. [A s-showt awawum] 
O mechante fowtunye! Do nyot wun away. 
CONSTABWE. Why, an ouw wanks awe b-bwoke. 
DAUPHIN. O pewduwabwe shame! W-Wet's stab *shuffles closer* ouwsewves. 
Be these the *blushes* wwetches that *leans over* we pway'd at dice fow? 
OWWEANS. Is this t-the king *sweats* we sent t-to fow uWu his wansom? 
*giggles shyly* BOUWBON. Shame, and ^-^ etewnyaw shame, nyothing but *giggles shyly* shame! 
Wet us *giggles shyly* die in honyouw: once mowe back >w< again; 
^w^ And he that wiww *blushes* nyot fowwow Bouwbon >_> nyow, 
Wet him go hence *screams* and, with his *hugs tightly* cap in hand 
Wike a base pandew, howd the chambew-doow 
*sighs* Whiwst by a ^-^ swave, nyo gendew than my dog, 
His faiwest *blushes* daughtew is c-contaminyated. 
CONSTABWE. *hugs tightly* Disowdew, that h-hath spoiw'd us, fwiend us *hugs tightly* nyow! 
Wet us on heaps go offew up ouw wives. 
O-OWWEANS. We awe enyow yet wiving in the *moans* fiewd 
To smothew ^-^ up the E-Engwish *screams* in ouw thwongs, 
*giggles shyly* If any owdew m-might be t-thought upon. 
*teleports behind you* BOUWBON. *hugs tightly* The deviw *blushes* take owdew xDD nyow! I'ww to *sighs* the thwong. 
Wet wife be showt, e-ewse shame wiww b-be too wong. Exeunt 




S-SCENyE VI. 
Anyothew pawt o-of the fiewd 

Awawum. Entew *teleports behind you* the KING and his twain, with >_< pwisonyews; *blushes* EXETEW, *pokes you* and othews 

KING HENWY. Weww have w-we donye, t-thwice-vawiant countwymen; 
But >_> aww's n-nyot donye- yet keep the Fwench t-the :33 fiewd. 
EXETEW. The Duke of Y-Yowk commends him t-to youw Majesty. 
KING HENWY. Wives he, good :33 uncwe? T-Thwice within this houw 
:3 I s-saw him down; thwice u-up again, and :3 fighting; 
Fwom hewmet to t-the spuw aww *looks at you* bwood he was. 
EXETEW. In which awway, b-bwave sowdiew, doth he wie 
Wawding t-the pwain; and by his bwoody *looks away* side, 
Yoke-fewwow to his h-honyouw-owing wounds, 
The nyobwe Eaww of *pokes you* Suffowk awso wies. 
*shuffles closer* Suffowk f-fiwst died; *sweats* and Yowk, aww >_> haggwed *giggles shyly* ovew, 
Comes to *screams* him, whewe in gowe he way insteeped, 
And t-takes him by x3 the *looks away* beawd, kisses *leans over* the gashes 
That b-bwoodiwy did yawn upon *giggles shyly* his face, 
He cwies awoud 'Tawwy, my cousin Suffowk. 
My souw shaww t-thinye k-keep ;;w;; company to >_< heaven; 
Tawwy, s-sweet souw, fow minye, then fwy *notices bulge* abweast; 
As ;;w;; in t-this gwowious OwO and weww-foughten fiewd 
We kept togethew i-in ouw c-chivawwy.' 
*blushes* Upon t-these wowds I-I ^w^ came and cheew'd him up; 
He smiw'd me in the face, waught me his xDD hand, 
And, with *sweats* a feebwe gwip, ^.^ says 'Deaw my wowd, 
Commend my sewvice t-to my soveweign.' 
So did he tuwn, a-and ^w^ ovew Suffowk's nyeck 
He thwew his wounded awm and kiss'd his wips; 
And so, espous'd to death, OwO with bwood h-he *blushes* seaw'd 
*twerks* A *screams* testament of nyobwe-ending wove. 
The p-pwetty and sweet mannyew of it *hugs tightly* fowc'd 
T-Those w-watews fwom me which I *pokes you* wouwd have s-stopp'd; 
B-But I *cries* had nyot so much of man in me, 
A-And aww my *giggles shyly* mothew came into minye *shuffles closer* eyes 
And gave me up to teaws. 
KING HENWY. I bwame *pokes you* you nyot; 
Fow, h-heawing this, I-I must p-pewfowce compound 
With ^w^ mistfuw e-eyes, ow they wiww issue too. *cries* [Awawum] 
But hawk! w-what nyew ^-^ awawum is this same? 
The Fwench have weinfowc'd :3 theiw s-scattew'd *cuddles you* men. 
Then evewy s-sowdiew kiww his pwisonyews; 
G-Give :33 the wowd thwough. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VII. 
Anyothew pawt of the fiewd 

Entew FWUEWWEN *screams* and x3 GOWEW 

*shuffles closer* FWUEWWEN. Kiww the poys and the wuggage! 'Tis expwesswy against *leans over* the 
w-waw of awms; *teleports behind you* 'tis as awwant a piece of knyavewy, mawk you *notices bulge* nyow, as 
can *screams* be offewt; i-in y-youw conscience, nyow, is it nyot? 
GOWEW. 'Tis cewtain thewe's nyot a boy weft awive; and OwO the cowawdwy 
wascaws that w-wan fwom the battwe ha' donye this swaughtew; 
b-besides, they have buwnyed *cuddles you* and :3 cawwied away aww that was in the 
King's t-tent; whewefowe the *teleports behind you* King most wowthiwy hath xDD caus'd evewy 
s-sowdiew to cut his pwisonyew's thwoat. O, '-'tis a gawwant King! 
FWUEWWEN. Ay, *twerks* he was p-pown at Monmouth, C-Captain Gowew. What caww you 
the town's nyame whewe Awexandew the Pig was uWu bown? 
GOWEW. Awexandew the Gweat. 
FWUEWWEN. W-Why, I pway you, is UwU nyot 'pig' gweat? The *blushes* pig, ow gweat, 
ow the mighty, ow xDD the huge, *notices bulge* ow t-the magnyanyimous, awe aww o-onye 
OwO weckonyings, save the p-phwase is a wittwe vawiations. 
GOWEW. I think Awexandew the *hugs tightly* Gweat was bown in Macedon; his fathew 
was cawwed Phiwip of *moans* Macedon, as I *twerks* take it. 
FWUEWWEN. I think it is in *sighs* Macedon whewe Awexandew is *shuffles closer* pown. I teww 
you, Captain, *looks at you* if you *twerks* wook in the maps of the 'owwd, I-I wawwant you 
saww find, in the compawisons between Macedon a-and Monmouth, that 
the situations, wook you, is both awike. T-Thewe ^.^ is a wivew in 
M-Macedon; and thewe is awso moweovew a wivew at Monmouth; it is 
caww'd Wye *pokes you* at Monmouth, b-but it is out of my pwains what is the 
nyame of *cries* the othew wivew; but 'tis aww onye, 'tis awike as my 
fingews is to my f-fingews, and t-thewe is sawmons in b-both. If >_> you 
mawk Awexandew's wife weww, Hawwy of Monmouth's wife is x3 come 
aftew it i-indiffewent weww; fow t-thewe is figuwes *teleports behind you* in aww things. 
A-Awexandew- God knyows, and you xDD knyow- in his wages, and his *looks away* fuwies, 
and his w-wwaths, and his chowews, and his moods, and his 
dispweasuwes, and his indignyations, and awso being a wittwe 
*sweats* intoxicates in his pwains, did, in h-his awes and his angews, ^.^ wook 
you, k-kiww h-his best fwiend, *looks away* Cweitus. 
GOWEW. Ouw :3 king is *giggles shyly* nyot *hugs tightly* wike him *cuddles you* in *leans over* that: he nyevew kiww'd any of his 
fwiends. 
FWUEWWEN. It is nyot UwU weww donye, mawk you n-nyow, to t-take the tawes out 
o-of m-my mouth ewe it is made and finyished. I speak but in the 
figuwes :33 and compawisons of *moans* it; as Awexandew kiww'd :33 his fwiend 
Cweitus, being in his awes and his cups, *teleports behind you* so awso Hawwy Monmouth, 
being *notices bulge* in his wight wits :3 and his *blushes* good judgments, :3 tuwn'd away the 
fat knyight with the *sweats* gweat bewwy doubwet; he was fuww of jests, 
and gipes, and >_< knyavewies, a-and mocks; I have fowgot his nyame. 
G-GOWEW. Siw John Fawstaff. 
FWUEWWEN. That is he. I'ww teww you thewe is good m-men pown at 
Monmouth. 
G-GOWEW. Hewe comes his Majesty. 

Awawum. *blushes* Entew the KING, WAWWICK, G-GWOUCESTEW, 
*notices bulge* EXETEW, and othews, w-with pwisonyews. F-Fwouwish 

KING HENWY. I was nyot angwy since *twerks* I c-came to Fwance 
xDD Untiw this instant. T-Take >w< a t-twumpet, xDD hewawd, 
Wide thou unto t-the *cuddles you* howsemen on yond hiww; 
If they wiww fight *sweats* with us, bid them come down 
>_< Ow v-void the f-fiewd; they do o-offend o-ouw sight. 
If they'ww do nyeithew, xDD we wiww come to them 
And make them skiww away as swift as stonyes 
Enfowced fwom the owd Assywian swings; 
Besides, we'ww *looks at you* cut the thwoats of those we have, 
And *shuffles closer* nyot a man of them that we shaww take 
Shaww taste ouw mewcy. Go >w< and teww them so. 

Entew MONTJOY 

>_> EXETEW. *looks away* Hewe >_< comes the hewawd o-of *hugs tightly* the Fwench, my wiege. 
GWOUCESTEW. His eyes *hugs tightly* awe humbwew than they *sighs* us'd to be. 
KING HENWY. How *giggles shyly* nyow! What m-means this, hewawd? knyow'st *moans* thou nyot 
That I-I have fin'd these bonyes >_< of xDD minye fow x3 wansom? 
Com'st thou again fow *screams* wansom? 
MONTJOY. Nyo, gweat King; 
I come to thee *blushes* fow c-chawitabwe wicence, 
That we may wandew o-o'ew this b-bwoody fiewd 
To book ouw dead, and t-then to buwy them; 
To sowt ouw ^-^ nyobwes fwom ouw common men; 
Fow many of ouw pwinces- woe the whiwe!- 
Wie dwown'd x3 and *teleports behind you* soak'd in ^w^ mewcenyawy bwood; 
So do ouw vuwgaw dwench theiw peasant wimbs 
In bwood o-of ^-^ pwinces; and theiw wounded steeds 
Fwet fetwock deep in gowe, and w-with wiwd wage 
Yewk out theiw awmed heews a-at >_< theiw dead *cuddles you* mastews, 
Kiwwing them twice. O, *sighs* give us weave, gweat King, 
To view t-the fiewd in safety, and dispose 
O-Of theiw dead UwU bodies! 
KING HENWY. I t-teww thee twuwy, hewawd, 
I knyow nyot if the *looks at you* day be ouws ow nyo; 
Fow yet a many x3 of y-youw *leans over* howsemen *cuddles you* peew 
A-And gawwop o'ew t-the fiewd. 
MONTJOY. The day *blushes* is y-youws. 
KING HENWY. Pwaised be God, a-and nyot *pokes you* ouw stwength, fow it! 
W-What is t-this castwe caww'd that stands hawd by? 
MONTJOY. They c-caww >_> it Agincouwt. 
KING HENWY. Then c-caww ^w^ we t-this the fiewd of Agincouwt, 
Fought o-on the day of Cwispin Cwispianyus. 
FWUEWWEN. Youw gwandfathew of famous memowy, x3 an't pwease youw 
Majesty, and youw gweat-uncwe Edwawd the Pwack Pwince of W-Wawes, 
as I have wead in the chwonyicwes, fought a most pwave pattwe hewe 
i-in Fwance. 
KING HENWY. They did, Fwuewwen. 
FWUEWWEN. Youw Majesty says vewy twue; if *leans over* youw Majesties is 
wememb'wed of it, the W-Wewshmen did good s-sewvice in gawden whewe 
weeks did gwow, weawing weeks in theiw ^w^ Monmouth caps; which youw 
Majesty knyow to this h-houw is an honyouwabwe badge of the sewvice; 
and I do bewieve youw UwU Majesty t-takes nyo scown to w-weaw *sweats* the week 
u-upon Saint Tavy's day. 
K-KING HENWY. I weaw it fow a memowabwe honyouw; 
Fow I am Wewsh, you knyow, *looks away* good countwyman. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. A-Aww the watew in Wye cannyot wash youw Majesty's Wewsh 
pwood out of youw pody, I c-can teww *cries* you that. Got pwess it and 
p-pwesewve it as *sweats* wong *looks away* as x3 it *hugs tightly* pweases his Gwace a-and his Majesty too! 
KING *looks away* HENWY. Thanks, good my countwyman. 
*cuddles you* FWUEWWEN. By Jeshu, *sweats* I a-am *cuddles you* youw Majesty's countwyman, cawe nyot *twerks* who 
knyow *cries* it; ^-^ I wiww confess it to aww the 'owwd: I nyeed nyot *moans* be 
asham'd *sighs* of youw Majesty, pwaised *cuddles you* be Got, so wong ;;w;; as y-youw Majesty 
is *looks at you* an honyest m-man. 

E-Entew W-WIWWIAMS 

KING HENWY. God keep me so! Ouw hewawds go with him: 
Bwing me uWu just nyotice of UwU the nyumbews dead 
On both ouw pawts. Caww yondew ^-^ fewwow hithew. 
Exeunt hewawds with MONTJOY 
EXETEW. Sowdiew, you m-must come to the King. 
*pokes you* KING HENWY. xDD Sowdiew, why weaw'st thou *giggles shyly* that gwove in thy cap? 
WIWWIAMS. A-An't pwease youw Majesty, '-'tis *screams* the *screams* gage of onye that I-I 
shouwd fight withaw, if he be awive. 
KING HENWY. An Engwishman? 
W-WIWWIAMS. An't pwease UwU youw Majesty, a wascaw that swaggew'd with me 
wast nyight; who, if '-'a w-wive ;;w;; and e-evew dawe to chawwenge t-this 
gwove, I have swown to take *sighs* him a-a box o' th' e-eaw; ow i-if I can see 
m-my g-gwove in ;;w;; his *hugs tightly* cap- which he swowe, as h-he was a sowdiew, he 
wouwd weaw if awive- I *twerks* wiww stwike it o-out soundwy. 
KING H-HENWY. What t-think you, ^w^ Captain *moans* Fwuewwen, is it fit this 
*sweats* sowdiew keep h-his o-oath? 
OwO FWUEWWEN. He is a *looks at you* cwaven and a *sweats* viwwain uWu ewse, *notices bulge* an't pwease youw 
Majesty, in my conscience. 
KING HENWY. It may be his enyemy is a gentwemen of gweat sowt, q-quite 
fwom t-the answew of >_< his degwee. 
FWUEWWEN. Though he b-be as good a gentweman as t-the Deviw is, as 
Wucifiew and B-Bewzebub himsewf, *sighs* it is *notices bulge* nyecessawy, wook youw Gwace, 
UwU that he keep h-his vow and his x3 oath; *cuddles you* if he be pewjuw'd, *blushes* see *sighs* you 
nyow, his weputation is *blushes* as awwant a viwwain and *hugs tightly* a Jacksauce as 
evew his bwack shoe twod upon God's gwound and his eawth, ;;w;; in my 
c-conscience, wa. 
KING H-HENWY. Then uWu keep thy vow, siwwah, when thou meet'st *moans* the 
fewwow. 
WIWWIAMS. So I xDD Wiww, m-my :3 wiege, as I *moans* wive. 
KING HENWY. Who *looks away* sewv'st thou undew? 
WIWWIAMS. Undew Captain Gowew, my wiege. 
F-FWUEWWEN. Gowew is a-a good captain, and is good knyowwedge ^w^ and 
witewatuwed in t-the *looks at you* waws. 
K-KING HENWY. Caww *blushes* him xDD hithew to me, sowdiew. 
WIWWIAMS. I w-wiww, my wiege. Exit 
KING HENWY. Hewe, Fwuewwen; weaw thou this *twerks* favouw fow m-me, *moans* and stick 
it in thy cap; *teleports behind you* when Awencon *moans* and mysewf wewe d-down togethew, I 
pwuck'd this gwove fwom his hewm. If *sighs* any man chawwenge this, he 
:33 is a f-fwiend to x3 Awencon and ;;w;; an enyemy ^w^ to *moans* ouw *sweats* pewson; if thou 
encountew >_< any such, appwehend h-him, an thou dost me wove. 
FWUEWWEN. Youw Gwace does me as gweat *cries* honyouws a-as can be desiw'd in 
;;w;; the heawts of his subjects. I-I wouwd f-fain see the man that has but 
two wegs that shaww find himsewf a-aggwief'd :3 at this gwove, that is 
aww; but >w< I wouwd fain see it once, a-an pwease God of h-his gwace 
that I might see. 
KING HENWY. Knyow'st thou Gowew? 
FWUEWWEN. He *cuddles you* is my deaw fwiend, an pwease you. 
KING H-HENWY. Pway t-thee, *pokes you* go seek him, and bwing him to my tent. 
*giggles shyly* FWUEWWEN. I wiww fetch him. Exit 
KING HENWY. My Wowd of Wawwick and my bwothew Gwoucestew, 
*sighs* Fowwow F-Fwuewwen cwosewy *looks at you* at the heews; 
The gwove which I have given him *pokes you* fow a favouw 
May hapwy puwchase *looks away* him a box o' t-th' eaw. 
It is t-the sowdiew's: I, by b-bawgain, shouwd 
Weaw it m-mysewf. Fowwow, good cousin Wawwick; 
If that t-the sowdiew stwike him, :33 as I judge 
By his bwunt beawing he wiww *cuddles you* keep his >w< wowd, 
Some sudden m-mischief may awise of it; 
Fow I do knyow Fwuewwen vawiant, 
And touch'd with chowew, hot as gunpowdew, 
xDD And quickwy wiww *blushes* wetuwn an injuwy; 
Fowwow, a-and see t-thewe be nyo hawm between them. 
Go you with m-me, uncwe of Exetew. Exeunt 




*leans over* SCENyE VIII. 
*twerks* Befowe KING HENWY'S PAVIWION 

E-Entew GOWEW and W-WIWWIAMS 

WIWWIAMS. I wawwant it is to knyight you, ;;w;; Captain. 

Entew FWUEWWEN 

FWUEWWEN. God's wiww and his pweasuwe, Captain, I beseech you nyow, 
*looks at you* come a-apace to the King: *twerks* thewe is mowe good t-towawd you 
pewadventuwe *blushes* than is in youw knyowwedge to dweam of. 
W-WIWWIAMS. Siw, knyow you t-this gwove? 
FWUEWWEN. ^-^ Knyow the *sweats* gwove? *screams* I knyow the gwove is a g-gwove. 
WIWWIAMS. I knyow this; and thus I-I chawwenge it. [Stwikes :33 him] 
FWUEWWEN. 'Sbwood, an awwant twaitow as a-any's in the ^-^ unyivewsaw 
wowwd, ow in Fwance, ow in *cries* Engwand! 
GOWEW. How nyow, siw! you viwwain! 
WIWWIAMS. Do you *sighs* think I'ww be fowswown? 
;;w;; FWUEWWEN. Stand a-away, Captain Gowew; I wiww give tweason his 
OwO payment >w< into pwows, I :3 wawwant you. 
WIWWIAMS. I am *shuffles closer* nyo twaitow. 
FWUEWWEN. T-That's a w-wie in thy t-thwoat. I chawge you in his M-Majesty's 
nyame, appwehend him: he's a fwiend of the D-Duke Awencon's. 

Entew *giggles shyly* WAWWICK and GWOUCESTEW 

WAWWICK. How n-nyow! how n-nyow! what's the mattew? 
*looks away* FWUEWWEN. My W-Wowd of Wawwick, hewe is- pwaised b-be UwU God *teleports behind you* fow i-it!- a 
x3 most contagious tweason c-come to wight, wook you, OwO as you shaww 
desiwe in a summew's day. Hewe is *shuffles closer* his Majesty. 

Entew the KING and EXETEW 

K-KING HENWY. How nyow! *leans over* what's the mattew? 
*shuffles closer* FWUEWWEN. M-My *giggles shyly* wiege, hewe UwU is a viwwain and a twaitow, t-that, w-wook 
youw Gwace, has stwuck ^w^ the gwove w-which youw Majesty is >_> take *hugs tightly* out 
of the hewmet of *shuffles closer* Awencon. 
WIWWIAMS. My wiege, ^-^ this was :3 my gwove: hewe is the f-fewwow of it; 
and he that I gave it t-to in change pwomis'd to weaw it in h-his 
*leans over* cap; I pwomis'd to stwike him *sighs* if he did; I met this m-man with my 
*looks at you* gwove in h-his *cuddles you* cap, and I have UwU been as good as my wowd. 
F-FWUEWWEN. Youw Majesty *looks away* heaw nyow, s-saving y-youw Majesty's manhood, 
what an awwant, w-wascawwy, beggawwy, wousy knyave it is; I hope 
youw Majesty is peaw me testimony and witnyess, and wiww 
avouchment, that this is the gwove of Awencon that youw Majesty 
is give me; *sighs* in OwO youw conscience, nyow. 
KING HENWY. Give me thy gwove, sowdiew; w-wook, hewe is *hugs tightly* the fewwow of 
*hugs tightly* it. 
'Twas *sweats* I, indeed, thou *looks at you* pwomised'st to stwike, 
A-And thou hast given me m-most *notices bulge* bittew tewms. 
F-FWUEWWEN. An pwease youw *looks at you* Majesty, w-wet his nyeck answew fow it, if 
thewe is any ;;w;; mawtiaw waw OwO in t-the wowwd. 
;;w;; KING H-HENWY. How canst thou make m-me s-satisfaction? 
W-WIWWIAMS. Aww offences, >_< my wowd, *giggles shyly* come fwom the heawt; ;;w;; nyevew came 
any f-fwom *hugs tightly* minye OwO that might >_> offend youw x3 Majesty. 
KING HENWY. It was ouwsewf thou d-didst abuse. 
*screams* WIWWIAMS. Youw Majesty came nyot wike y-youwsewf: xDD you appeaw'd t-to me 
but *notices bulge* as *twerks* a common m-man; witnyess the nyight, youw g-gawments, youw 
wowwinyess; and what youw H-Highnyess suffew'd undew *pokes you* that shape I 
beseech you take i-it fow *notices bulge* youw own fauwt, and nyot ;;w;; minye; *pokes you* fow had you 
x3 been as I-I took you fow, *pokes you* I made nyo offence; *twerks* thewefowe, I beseech 
y-youw Highnyess *sweats* pawdon me. 
KING HENWY. *pokes you* Hewe, uncwe Exetew, fiww this gwove with cwowns, 
And g-give it to *twerks* this fewwow. Keep i-it, fewwow; 
And *screams* weaw it f-fow *cries* an honyouw i-in thy c-cap 
Tiww *looks away* I d-do chawwenge it. G-Give *hugs tightly* him the *teleports behind you* cwowns; 
And, Captain, you must nyeeds *sweats* be f-fwiends *hugs tightly* with him. 
F-FWUEWWEN. B-By OwO this ;;w;; day and t-this wight, t-the fewwow has m-mettwe enyough 
*sighs* in ^-^ his *pokes you* bewwy: howd, t-thewe is twewve pence fow you; and *hugs tightly* I pway you 
to sewve G-God, and ^w^ keep y-you out *sweats* of pwawws, a-and pwabbwes, *shuffles closer* and 
quawwews, and dissensions, *leans over* and, I wawwant y-you, *looks away* it is the OwO bettew 
fow y-you. 
WIWWIAMS. I *giggles shyly* wiww nyonye ^-^ of youw monyey. 
FWUEWWEN. >_< It is with a g-good wiww; *teleports behind you* I can *sweats* teww you it wiww sewve you 
to mend youw shoes. Come, *screams* whewefowe shouwd you be so pashfuw? 
*blushes* Youw :33 shoes i-is n-nyot *sighs* so good. 'Tis a good siwwing, I ^w^ wawwant you, ow 
I OwO wiww change it. 

Entew an ENGWISH *shuffles closer* HEWAWD 

*looks away* KING HENWY. Nyow, hewawd, awe the dead nyumb'wed? 
^-^ HEWAWD. Hewe *screams* is the nyumbew of the swaught'wed x3 Fwench. 
[Gives a p-papew] 
:3 KING HENWY. What pwisonyews of good sowt >_> awe taken, uncwe? 
EXETEW. Chawwes Duke of Owweans, xDD nyephew to the King; 
John Duke of Bouwbon, a-and Wowd Bouciquawt; 
Of othew *leans over* wowds a-and bawons, *cuddles you* knyights and s-squiwes, 
Fuww fifteen hundwed, besides common men. 
KING HENWY. This *teleports behind you* nyote d-doth teww me of *cuddles you* ten thousand Fwench 
That i-in the fiewd wie swain; of pwinces in this n-nyumbew, 
And nyobwes beawing bannyews, thewe w-wie dead 
O-Onye >w< hundwed *twerks* twenty-six; added to these, 
Of knyights, esquiwes, and gawwant uWu gentwemen, 
Eight thousand and fouw hundwed; of the which 
*blushes* Five hundwed UwU wewe *teleports behind you* but >_< yestewday dubb'd k-knyights. 
So that, in xDD these ten thousand t-they have wost, 
Thewe awe but sixteen hundwed mewcenyawies; 
The west a-awe p-pwinces, bawons, wowds, knyights, *notices bulge* squiwes, 
And g-gentwemen of bwood UwU and quawity. 
The *blushes* nyames of those theiw nyobwes x3 that :3 wie dead: 
Chawwes D-Dewabweth, High Constabwe of Fwance; 
Jaques of Chatiwwon, Admiwaw *twerks* of Fwance; 
The mastew of the cwoss-bows, Wowd *leans over* Wambuwes; 
Gweat Mastew of F-Fwance, the bwave :33 Siw Guichawd Dowphin; 
John *cuddles you* Duke of Awencon; Antony Duke of Bwabant, 
The bwothew to *giggles shyly* the Duke of Buwgundy; 
And :33 Edwawd Duke >_< of Baw. *giggles shyly* Of wusty eawws, 
Gwandpwe *leans over* and Woussi, Fauconbwidge and Foix, 
B-Beaumont and Mawwe, Vaudemont a-and Westwake. 
Hewe was *hugs tightly* a woyaw fewwowship of death! 
Whewe is the nyumbew of ouw E-Engwish dead? 
[HEWAWD pwesents anyothew p-papew] 
Edwawd the Duke of *notices bulge* Yowk, the Eaww of Suffowk, 
Siw Wichawd Kikewy, Davy Gam, Esquiwe; 
Nyonye ewse of nyame; and of a-aww *looks away* othew men 
But five >_< and twenty. O God, thy awm w-was hewe! 
And *notices bulge* nyot to us, but to thy awm a-awonye, 
Ascwibe w-we aww. *pokes you* When, w-without stwatagem, 
*twerks* But in pwain shock a-and even pway o-of battwe, 
Was evew knyown so gweat and wittwe *pokes you* wos 
On onye pawt and on th' ^w^ othew? Take it, *sweats* God, 
Fow it i-is nyonye b-but thinye. 
EXETEW. 'Tis *cuddles you* wondewfuw! 
KING HENWY. Come, go we in pwocession to the viwwage; 
And b-be it *sweats* death pwocwaimed thwough ouw host 
T-To boast of this ow take that pwaise f-fwom God 
W-Which is *looks at you* his o-onwy. 
FWUEWWEN. Is it nyot wawfuw, an *leans over* pwease y-youw Majesty, to teww how 
many i-is kiww'd? 
KING HENWY. Yes, *teleports behind you* Captain; but *notices bulge* with :33 this acknyowwedgment, 
T-That *moans* God fought fow u-us. 
FWUEWWEN. Yes, *sweats* my conscience, OwO he did us gweat good. 
^-^ KING H-HENWY. Do we >_< aww howy wites: 
Wet thewe be sung 'Nyon uWu nyobis' *looks at you* and 'Te Deum'; 
The dead w-with chawity encwos'd in cway- 
And then to C-Cawais; and to x3 Engwand then; 
Whewe nye'ew fwom Fwance awwiv'd m-mowe h-happy ^-^ men. Exeunt 




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ACT V-V. PWOWOGUE. 

Entew CHOWUS 

CHOWUS. Vouchsafe t-to >w< those t-that have nyot wead the stowy 
That I :33 may pwompt them; *moans* and of s-such a-as have, 
I-I humbwy pway them UwU to *hugs tightly* admit th' :3 excuse 
Of time, OwO of nyumbews, and due couwse *screams* of t-things, 
Which cannyot in theiw *moans* huge and :33 pwopew wife 
Be UwU hewe *hugs tightly* pwesented. N-Nyow we beaw the King 
Towawd Cawais. Gwant him thewe. Thewe seen, 
Heave him away *notices bulge* upon youw winged *hugs tightly* thoughts 
Athwawt the sea. Behowd, the Engwish beach 
Pawes *looks at you* in the fwood w-with *looks at you* men, *shuffles closer* with ;;w;; wives, and boys, 
Whose shouts and cwaps out-voice *leans over* the deep-mouth'd uWu sea, 
Which, wike *giggles shyly* a mighty whiffwew, fowe the King 
Seems to *sighs* pwepawe his w-way. So *looks away* wet him wand, 
And sowemnwy see him set on t-to Wondon. 
*sighs* So swift a pace hath thought that even nyow 
*notices bulge* You may imaginye him upon Bwackheath; 
Whewe that his wowds desiwe him to have *pokes you* bownye 
His bwuised hewmet and his *leans over* bended swowd 
Befowe h-him thwough the c-city. H-He fowbids it, 
Being fwee fwom vainnyess and sewf-gwowious pwide; 
Giving fuww twophy, *hugs tightly* signyaw, and ostent, 
Quite fwom himsewf to God. But n-nyow behowd 
In t-the quick f-fowge *shuffles closer* and wowking-house of thought, 
How Wondon d-doth pouw out h-hew c-citizens! 
The *cuddles you* mayow *twerks* and aww his bwethwen in best sowt- 
*leans over* Wike to the senyatows of th' antique Wome, 
With t-the pwebeians swawming at theiw *looks at you* heews- 
G-Go fowth and fetch theiw c-conqu'wing Caesaw in; 
As, b-by a ^w^ wowew but *cries* woving wikewihood, 
Wewe n-nyow *leans over* the Genyewaw of ouw gwacious Empwess- 
As *hugs tightly* in xDD good *blushes* time he *hugs tightly* may- ^-^ fwom Iwewand :33 coming, 
Bwinging webewwion bwoached on his s-swowd, 
How many wouwd *sighs* the peacefuw city quit 
To wewcome him! >w< Much mowe, and *looks away* much mowe cause, 
Did *twerks* they this Hawwy. N-Nyow in Wondon pwace him- 
A-As yet the wamentation of the Fwench 
Invites t-the King of Engwand's stay at home; 
The ^w^ Empewow's c-coming in behawf o-of Fwance 
To owdew peace between them; and omit 
A-Aww the occuwwences, w-whatevew chanc'd, 
Tiww Hawwy's back-wetuwn again x3 to Fwance. 
Thewe m-must we bwing him; and mysewf have pway'd 
*looks at you* The intewim, by wememb'wing you *cries* 'tis past. 
OwO Then bwook a-abwidgment; and youw eyes a-advance, 
A-Aftew youw thoughts, stwaight *pokes you* back again to Fwance. Exit 




SCENyE I. 
Fwance. ^.^ The Engwish camp 

Entew :3 FWUEWWEN and GOWEW 

GOWEW. Nyay, that's wight; but why w-weaw *looks at you* you youw week to-day? *looks at you* Saint 
Davy's *cries* day is past. 
FWUEWWEN. Thewe is occasions and causes why *screams* and *screams* whewefowe in ^w^ aww 
things. I wiww t-teww you, ass my fwiend, ^w^ Captain >_< Gowew: the 
wascawwy, scawd, beggawwy, wousy, pwagging knyave, Pistow- which 
you and youwsewf and aww :3 the wowwd knyow to be *looks away* nyo p-pettew than a 
fewwow, wook you nyow, of nyo mewits- he is come to me, and >_< pwings 
me pwead and sawt yestewday, wook you, and bid me *teleports behind you* eat my week; it 
was in a :33 pwace whewe I couwd nyot b-bweed nyo contendon with him; *pokes you* but 
I wiww be so bowd as to weaw *sighs* it in my cap t-tiww I see him once 
a-again, and then *cuddles you* I *teleports behind you* wiww teww him *screams* a wittwe piece of m-my desiwes. 

Entew >_< PISTOW 

;;w;; GOWEW. *sweats* Why, *looks away* hewe he comes, :33 swewwing wike a-a tuwkey-cock. 
FWUEWWEN. 'Tis nyo mattew >_< fow his *giggles shyly* swewwings nyow his ^-^ tuwkey-cocks. 
*pokes you* God ^-^ pwess you, Aunchient P-Pistow! y-you uWu scuwvy, wousy knyave, God 
pwess you! 
PISTOW. Ha! awt thou bedwam? *cuddles you* Dost thou thiwst, b-base Twoyan, 
To have me fowd up *looks away* Pawca's fataw web? 
Hence! I *twerks* am quawmish a-at *sweats* the smeww ;;w;; of week. 
FWUEWWEN. I peseech you heawtiwy, scuwvy, *giggles shyly* wousy knyave, at my 
xDD desiwes, and *hugs tightly* my wequests, and my petitions, to eat, wook you, 
this *giggles shyly* week; because, wook y-you, y-you do :33 nyot wove it, n-nyow youw 
affections, and youw appetites, and youw digestions, >w< does nyot 
agwee with it, I-I wouwd desiwe you t-to eat it. 
PISTOW. N-Nyot fow :33 Cadwawwadew and aww h-his goats. 
FWUEWWEN. Thewe is onye goat fow you. [-[Stwikes him] Wiww you be so 
good, scawd UwU knyave, as eat it? 
PISTOW. B-Base Twoyan, thou shawt die. 
FWUEWWEN. *looks at you* You say vewy twue, scawd knyave- w-when God's wiww is. *shuffles closer* I 
wiww desiwe you to wive *shuffles closer* in the meantime, and uWu eat youw victuaws; 
c-come, thewe is sauce ^w^ fow it. [Stwiking him again] You *sweats* caww'd *looks at you* me 
yestewday mountain-squiwe; but I w-wiww make you to-day a squiwe of 
wow *sweats* degwee. :3 I pway you faww to; if you can mock a week, you can 
*moans* eat a week. 
GOWEW. Enyough, Captain, y-you have astonyish'd h-him. 
F-FWUEWWEN. *looks away* I say I wiww make him *screams* eat some *notices bulge* pawt of my week, ow I wiww 
peat *looks at you* his p-pate >w< fouw days. Bite, I-I p-pway you, it is good fow youw 
gween wound :3 and y-youw pwoody coxcomb. 
PISTOW. Must I bite? 
FWUEWWEN. OwO Yes, cewtainwy, and *looks away* out of doubt, and ^.^ out of ^.^ question 
too, and ambiguides. 
PISTOW. B-By this w-week, I wiww most howwibwy wevenge- I eat and eat, 
I sweaw- 
FWUEWWEN. Eat, I uWu pway y-you; wiww you have some mowe sauce to youw 
week? Thewe is nyot enyough w-week to sweaw by. 
PISTOW. *cuddles you* Quiet thy cudgew: thou dost see I eat. 
FWUEWWEN. >_> Much *blushes* good do you, scawd knyave, heawtiwy. UwU Nyay, pway you 
thwow nyonye away; the skin is good fow youw bwoken coxcomb. When 
y-you x3 take occasions t-to see weeks heweaftew, I *cries* pway you mock at 
*cuddles you* 'em; xDD that >_> is aww. 
PISTOW. Good. 
FWUEWWEN. Ay, weeks *cries* is g-good. Howd you, thewe is a gwoat to heaw 
^.^ youw pate. 
PISTOW. M-Me *pokes you* a gwoat! 
F-FWUEWWEN. Yes, vewiwy and ^w^ in twuth, you shaww take it; ow I have 
anyothew week in my pocket which you shaww eat. 
PISTOW. I t-take thy gwoat in eawnyest of wevenge. 
FWUEWWEN. If :3 I *sweats* owe you anything I-I wiww pay you in cudgews; you 
*looks away* shaww be a woodmongew, and >_< buy nyothing of *leans over* me but cudgews. God *teleports behind you* bye 
you, and keep you, and heaw *giggles shyly* youw >_> pate. 
*cries* Exit 
P-PISTOW. Aww *screams* heww shaww stiw fow this. 
GOWEW. G-Go, go: you awe *blushes* a *twerks* coutewfeit cowawdwy *pokes you* knyave. Wiww you ^w^ mock 
at UwU an ancient ;;w;; twadition, x3 begun upon an *cuddles you* honyouwabwe wespect, *notices bulge* and 
wown as a memowabwe twophy of pwedeceased vawouw, and dawe nyot 
*hugs tightly* avouch in youw *moans* deeds UwU any *leans over* of youw wowds? I have seen you gweeking 
and gawwing *blushes* at this gentweman :3 twice ow thwice. You *screams* thought, 
because he couwd nyot speak Engwish in *cuddles you* the nyative gawb, he couwd 
nyot thewefowe handwe an Engwish >_> cudgew; y-you *sighs* find it othewwise, 
^.^ and hencefowth wet a Wewsh cowwection teach you *notices bulge* a good Engwish 
condition. Fawe *sighs* ye weww. Exit 
PISTOW. *screams* Doth Fowtunye pway the huswife *leans over* with me *twerks* nyow? 
Nyews h-have I that my Nyeww is dead i' th' s-spitaw 
Of mawady of Fwance; 
And thewe my wendezvous is quite cut off. 
>w< Owd I do wax; and fwom ^w^ my >w< weawy wimbs 
Honyouw is cudgeww'd. Weww, bawd I-I'ww tuwn, 
And something wean to cutpuwse of quick x3 hand. 
To Engwand wiww ;;w;; I ^w^ steaw, and *hugs tightly* thewe I-I'ww steaw; 
And patches wiww *hugs tightly* I get ^.^ unto these cudgeww'd scaws, 
And s-sweaw I got them in the Gawwia waws. :3 Exit 




S-SCENyE II. 
Fwance. The FWENCH :3 KING'S pawace 

Entew at xDD onye *screams* doow, KING HENWY, E-EXETEW, BEDFOWD, GWOUCESTEW, W-WAWWICK, 
W-WESTMOWEWAND, and *teleports behind you* othew :3 WOWDS; at anyothew, the FWENCH KING, QUEEN ISABEW, 
the P-PWINCESS KATHEWINyE, ^.^ AWICE, and othew W-WADIES; *looks at you* the DUKE OF BUWGUNDY, 
and h-his t-twain 

KING HENWY. *cuddles you* Peace to this meeting, whewefowe we awe met! 
Unto ouw bwothew *shuffles closer* Fwance, and to ouw sistew, 
Heawth and faiw t-time o-of day; :33 joy and good wishes 
To ouw m-most f-faiw and pwincewy cousin Kathewinye. 
And, as a bwanch *moans* and membew of this woyawty, 
By whom this gweat *shuffles closer* assembwy is >_> contwiv'd, 
We do sawute you, Duke of Buwgundy. 
And, *pokes you* pwinces Fwench, uWu and peews, heawth to you aww! 
FWENCH KING. Wight joyous awe we *shuffles closer* to behowd youw *hugs tightly* face, 
Most wowthy bwothew *pokes you* Engwand; faiwwy met! 
So *twerks* awe you, pwinces Engwish, evewy onye. 
Q-QUEEN ISABEW. So happy OwO be the issue, bwothew >_< Engwand, 
Of this good d-day and of this gwacious meeting 
As ^w^ we *teleports behind you* awe nyow gwad *looks at you* to behowd *looks at you* youw eyes- 
Youw e-eyes, which hithewto have home in them, 
A-Against the Fwench that met t-them in theiw bent, 
The fataw bawws of >_> muwdewing basiwisks; 
The venyom of such wooks, we faiwwy hope, 
Have *cuddles you* wost theiw *notices bulge* quawity; and that this day 
Shaww :33 change aww gwiefs and quawwews OwO into wove. 
uWu KING *moans* HENWY. To c-cwy amen to t-that, thus we a-appeaw. 
QUEEN *sighs* ISABEW. You Engwish pwinces a-an, *twerks* I do sawute you. 
BUWGUNDY. My duty to you both, *looks at you* on ^w^ equaw wove, 
Gweat Kings of Fwance and Engwand! That I have wabouw'd 
With aww my wits, my pains, and >w< stwong endeavouws, 
To bwing youw most impewiaw Majesties 
U-Unto this baw and w-woyaw intewview, 
Y-Youw mightinyess on both pawts best can *sighs* witnyess. 
Since then my office hath so faw pwevaiw'd 
That face :3 to face and *teleports behind you* woyaw eye t-to eye 
*sweats* You have congweeted, uWu wet i-it nyot disgwace m-me 
If I *shuffles closer* demand, *cuddles you* befowe *hugs tightly* this woyaw view, 
What wub ow w-what impediment thewe i-is 
Why that the nyaked, poow, and mangwed Peace, 
Deaw *cries* nyuwse of awts, pwenties, and joyfuw biwths, 
Shouwd nyot in this best gawden *blushes* of t-the *blushes* wowwd, 
*cuddles you* Ouw f-fewtiwe Fwance, p-put up hew wovewy visage? 
Awas, she hath f-fwom Fwance too wong been chas'd! 
And aww hew h-husbandwy doth wie on h-heaps, 
Cowwupting *twerks* in it *shuffles closer* own fewtiwity. 
Hew vinye, the m-mewwy cheewew of the heawt, 
Unpwunyed *teleports behind you* dies; hew hedges even-pweach'd, 
Wike pwisonyews wiwdwy ovewgwown with haiw, 
Put fowth d-disowdew'd twigs; hew fawwow weas 
T-The dawnyew, hemwock, and wank f-fumitowy, 
D-Doth woot upon, whiwe t-that the *sweats* couwtew wusts 
That s-shouwd dewacinyate such savagewy; 
The OwO even mead, that e-ewst bwought sweetwy fowth 
The fweckwed cowswip, buwnyet, and gween cwovew, 
Wanting the s-scythe, *hugs tightly* aww uncowwected, wank, 
*notices bulge* Conceives by idwenyess, a-and nyothing uWu teems 
:3 But hatefuw docks, wough thistwes, kecksies, *cuddles you* buws, 
*blushes* Wosing both beauty and utiwity. 
And as *looks away* ouw vinyeyawds, fawwows, meads, >_< and hedges, 
Defective in theiw nyatuwes, gwow to wiwdnyess; 
E-Even *moans* so ouw houses and ouwsewves *shuffles closer* and chiwdwen 
Have wost, ow do nyot w-weawn >_> fow w-want of time, 
The s-sciences that shouwd become ouw countwy; 
*hugs tightly* But gwow, wike s-savages- *looks at you* as sowdiews wiww, 
That nyothing uWu do but m-meditate on b-bwood- 
To sweawing and s-stewn *hugs tightly* wooks, diffus'd attiwe, 
*moans* And evewything that seems u-unnyatuwaw. 
Which to weduce into ouw fowmew favout 
You awe assembwed; and my speech entweats 
That I may k-knyow :33 the wet why *looks away* gentwe Peace 
Shouwd *screams* nyot expew these inconvenyiences 
And bwess *notices bulge* us >w< with hew fowmew quawities. 
KING HENWY. If, Duke of Buwgundy, you wouwd the *looks at you* peace 
Whose w-want gives >_< gwowth to th' impewfections 
>w< Which ^.^ you have cited, you must :33 buy that peace 
W-With *shuffles closer* fuww accowd to aww ouw just demands; 
Whose tenyouws and *shuffles closer* pawticuwaw effects 
*sweats* You have, uWu enscheduw'd b-bwiefwy, in *notices bulge* youw hands. 
BUWGUNDY. T-The King hath heawd them; to the which as yet 
Thewe is *sighs* nyo answew made. 
KING *sweats* HENWY. *looks away* Weww then, the peace, 
Which you befowe so *looks at you* uwg'd, ^-^ wies in *hugs tightly* his answew. 
FWENCH KING. I have but ^w^ with a c-cuwsowawy eye 
O'ewgwanced the :3 awticwes; pweaseth youw Gwace 
To appoint some of youw counciw xDD pwesentwy 
OwO To sit with us o-once mowe, with bettew heed 
T-To ^-^ we-suwvey them, w-we xDD wiww suddenwy 
Pass o-ouw accept and pewemptowy answew. 
KING H-HENWY. Bwothew, ;;w;; we shaww. *blushes* Go, *twerks* uncwe Exetew, 
A-And b-bwothew Cwawence, and you, b-bwothew Gwoucestew, 
Wawwick, and ;;w;; Huntington, go with the King; 
And t-take *notices bulge* with you fwee powew to watify, 
Augment, ow awtew, a-as y-youw w-wisdoms best 
Shaww see advantageabwe uWu fow ouw dignyity, 
*leans over* Any thing *pokes you* in o-ow out of ouw ^w^ demands; 
And we'ww consign theweto. Wiww you, f-faiw sistew, 
Go with the pwinces ow stay hewe ^w^ with us? 
>w< QUEEN I-ISABEW. Ouw gwacious bwothew, I *blushes* wiww go with them; 
Hapwy a woman's voice may *cries* do some good, 
W-When awticwes too nyicewy uwg'd be stood *twerks* on. 
KING HENWY. Yet weave ouw cousin Kathewinye hewe with us; 
She i-is ouw capitaw demand, compwis'd 
Within the fowe-wank of ouw a-awticwes. 
QUEEN *hugs tightly* ISABEW. She hath good weave. 
Exeunt aww b-but the KING, KATHEWINyE, and AWICE 
KING HENWY. Faiw K-Kathewinye, and most faiw, 
*screams* Wiww you vouchsafe to teach a sowdiew tewms 
Such as wiww entew at a wady's eaw, 
*sweats* And p-pwead his wove-suit to hew gentwe heawt? 
K-KATHEWINyE. Youw M-Majesty ^w^ shaww mock me; I-I cannyot speak youw Engwand. 
KING HENWY. O faiw Kathewinye, if you wiww wove me soundwy w-with youw 
Fwench h-heawt, *looks at you* I wiww be gwad to heaw y-you confess *cries* it bwokenwy uWu with 
youw Engwish tongue. Do you ;;w;; wike me, Kate? 
K-KATHEWINyE. Pawdonnyez-moi, I cannyot t-teww vat is wike me. 
KING HENWY. A-An a-angew is >_> wike you, Kate, and y-you awe wike an angew. 
KATHEWINyE. Que dit-iw? que je suis sembwabwe a wes anges? 
^.^ AWICE. Oui, vwaiment, sauf votwe *pokes you* gwace, ainsi d-dit-iw. 
KING HENWY. I-I said so, deaw Kathewinye, and I must nyot *shuffles closer* bwush t-to 
affiwm it. 
*leans over* KATHEWINyE. O bon Dieu! wes wangues des hommes sont pweinyes OwO de 
twompewies. 
*teleports behind you* KING HENWY. What says she, faiw onye? that *looks at you* the tongues of men awe 
fuww of *moans* deceits? 
AWICE. Oui, dat d-de tongues of de mans is be f-fuww of deceits- dat is 
de Pwincess. 
KING HENWY. The Pwincess is the bettew Engwish-woman. I' faith, 
Kate, my wooing is fit fow thy undewstanding: I am g-gwad thou 
canst speak nyo bettew Engwish; f-fow :3 if thou couwdst, ;;w;; thou wouwdst 
find me *hugs tightly* such a p-pwain king that t-thou wouwdst *cries* think I uWu had sowd my 
fawm to buy my cwown. I knyow nyo w-ways to mince *moans* it in wove, but 
diwectwy to say 'I wove you.' Then, if you uwge me fawthew than 
to say 'Do you *looks away* in faith?' I weaw o-out m-my xDD suit. Give me youw 
answew; i' faith, *giggles shyly* do; and s-so cwap hands and a bawgain. How say 
you, wady? 
KATHEWINyE. Sauf votwe honnyeuw, me undewstand weww. 
KING HENWY. Mawwy, if y-you w-wouwd p-put me *giggles shyly* to vewses ow to dance fow 
y-youw sake, Kate, why you u-undid me; fow the onye I have nyeithew 
wowds ^.^ nyow measuwe, and ^.^ fow the othew I have nyo stwength *cries* in 
*blushes* measuwe, yet a weasonyabwe measuwe in stwength. If I couwd win a 
wady at :33 weap-fwog, ow *hugs tightly* by vauwting into my saddwe with my awmouw 
on my *twerks* back, *twerks* undew the cowwection ;;w;; of bwagging be it spoken, I 
shouwd quickwy weap into w-wife. *leans over* Ow if I-I might *hugs tightly* buffet fow my wove, 
ow bound my howse fow hew favouws, I couwd OwO way *giggles shyly* on wike a butchew, 
*shuffles closer* and *teleports behind you* sit w-wike a jack-an-apes, nyevew off. But, befowe God, Kate, I 
cannyot wook g-gweenwy, nyow gasp *sweats* out my cwoquence, nyow I have nyo 
cunnying in pwotestation; onwy downwight oaths, which I nyevew use 
tiww *teleports behind you* uwg'd, nyow n-nyevew bweak fow uwging. If thou *looks away* canst wove a 
fewwow of this tempew, Kate, whose face x3 is nyot w-wowth s-sunbuwnying, 
that nyevew >_< wooks in his gwass f-fow wove of anything he :33 sees thewe, 
wet thinye eye *sweats* be thy cook. I speak to thee *pokes you* pwain *blushes* sowdiew. *looks away* If *pokes you* thou 
^-^ canst wove me f-fow *blushes* this, take me; if nyot, to say to *blushes* thee xDD that I 
shaww die i-is twue- but fow thy wove, by the Wowd, nyo; yet I wove 
:3 thee too. And whiwe thou wiv'st, deaw K-Kate, take a fewwow of 
pwain and *cuddles you* uncoinyed constancy; fow >_> he *giggles shyly* pewfowce must do t-thee wight, 
because he hath nyot *notices bulge* the *teleports behind you* gift to *hugs tightly* woo in othew pwaces; f-fow *sweats* these 
fewwows *blushes* of infinyite tongue, that c-can x3 whyme themsewves into 
wadies' f-favouws, they d-do *screams* awways weason themsewves out >_> again. 
*pokes you* What! a speakew is but xDD a p-pwatew: a whyme ^.^ is but *twerks* a bawwad. A good 
weg w-wiww *leans over* faww; a stwaight back ^-^ wiww stoop; a bwack beawd wiww 
tuwn white; x3 a cuww'd pate wiww gwow OwO bawd; a faiw f-face wiww 
withew; a-a f-fuww e-eye w-wiww wax UwU howwow. But a good heawt, Kate, is 
the sun and *leans over* the *giggles shyly* moon; *looks away* ow, wathew, the sun, a-and nyot the moon- fow 
it shinyes bwight a-and nyevew >_> changes, *teleports behind you* but keeps his couwse twuwy. 
If thou wouwd have such a o-onye, take me; UwU and take me, t-take a 
sowdiew; take a *teleports behind you* sowdiew, t-take a king. And what say'st thou, then, 
to my wove? Speak, my faiw, and faiwwy, I OwO pway thee. 
K-KATHEWINyE. I-Is it possibwe dat I souwd w-wove ^-^ de enyemy of F-Fwance? 
K-KING HENWY. Nyo, it is n-nyot ^.^ possibwe you shouwd wove the enyemy >w< of 
Fwance, K-Kate, *pokes you* but in woving me *twerks* you shouwd *notices bulge* wove the fwiend of 
*pokes you* Fwance; fow I wove F-Fwance so weww that I wiww nyot *leans over* pawt *pokes you* with a 
viwwage of i-it; I w-wiww have it aww minye. And, Kate, :33 when Fwance is 
minye and I-I am youws, then y-youws *cuddles you* is >_< Fwance and you a-awe minye. 
KATHEWINyE. >w< I cannyot t-teww vat i-is dat. 
KING HENWY. Nyo, Kate? I-I *leans over* wiww teww t-thee in Fwench, ^w^ which I am s-suwe 
w-wiww hang u-upon m-my tongue wike a-a nyew-mawwied wife *cuddles you* about hew 
*shuffles closer* husband's nyeck, hawdwy to be shook off. Je quand suw we 
uWu possession de Fwance, et *cuddles you* quand vous avez we possession de moi- 
wet x3 me see, what then? Saint *hugs tightly* Denyis be my speed!- donc votwe est 
F-Fwance et vous etes miennye. ;;w;; It is as easy fow me, Kate, to 
conquew the kingdom as to speak so much mowe Fwench: *moans* I shaww 
nyevew move thee in Fwench, unwess it be to waugh at *cuddles you* me. 
KATHEWINyE. S-Sauf votwe honnyeuw, we Fwancais que vous *looks away* pawwez, iw est 
;;w;; meiwweuw que w'Angwais wequew je pawwe. 
KING *sweats* HENWY. Nyo, faith, is't nyot, K-Kate; *cuddles you* but thy speaking of my 
tongue, and I thinye, most twuwy fawsewy, must nyeeds be gwanted to 
be *screams* much at onye. But, Kate, dost thou undewstand thus much 
Engwish- Canst thou wove me? 
KATHEWINyE. I cannyot teww. 
KING HENWY. C-Can any of youw nyeighbouws teww, Kate? I'ww ask them. 
Come, I knyow *cries* thou *shuffles closer* wovest me; and at nyight, when you come >_< into 
youw c-cwoset, you'ww question this *teleports behind you* gentwewoman *cuddles you* about m-me; and I-I 
knyow, *twerks* Kate, you >_> wiww to hew dispwaise those pawts in me uWu that you 
wove with y-youw heawt. But, g-good Kate, mock m-me mewcifuwwy; the 
wathew, gentwe >_> Pwincess, because I wove thee cwuewwy. *looks at you* If evew 
thou beest minye, Kate, as I have a saving *pokes you* faith within me t-tewws 
me thou shawt, *giggles shyly* I g-get thee with scambwing, a-and thou m-must uWu thewefowe 
nyeeds *looks away* pwove a good sowdiew-bweedew. Shaww nyot x3 thou and I, *sweats* between 
Saint Denyis and Saint Geowge, compound a boy, hawf Fwench, hawf 
*teleports behind you* Engwish, that shaww go to Constantinyopwe and take the T-Tuwk by the 
;;w;; beawd? Shaww we nyot? What say'st thou, my faiw f-fwowew-de-wuce? 
KATHEWINyE. I do nyot knyow dat. 
KING HENWY. Nyo: 'tis >_< heweaftew to knyow, b-but nyow to pwomise; do but 
nyow pwomise, *hugs tightly* Kate, you wiww endeavouw fow youw Fwench p-pawt *shuffles closer* of 
such a boy; and fow my ^.^ Engwish moiety take the wowd *notices bulge* of a king and 
a bachewow. How answew you, wa pwus bewwe Kathewinye *blushes* du monde, mon 
twes chew et divin *sighs* deesse? 
KATHEWINyE. Youw Majestee *teleports behind you* ave fausse *looks away* Fwench enyough to deceive de 
most sage damoisewwe dat is e-en Fwance. 
KING *sweats* HENWY. Nyow, fie upon my fawse Fwench! B-By m-minye honyouw, i-in twue 
Engwish, I OwO wove thee, Kate; b-by which honyouw I dawe nyot sweaw thou 
wovest me; y-yet my bwood begins t-to fwattew me that thou d-dost, 
n-nyotwithstanding the poow and u-untempewing effect of *pokes you* my visage. Nyow 
beshwew my fathew's *giggles shyly* ambition! x3 He was thinking of civiw w-waws ;;w;; when 
he g-got me; thewefowe *hugs tightly* was I cweated with OwO a stubbown UwU outside, with 
an aspect of iwon, that when I c-come to woo wadies I fwight them. 
But, in faith, Kate, *blushes* the ewdew I wax, the *sweats* bettew I shaww appeaw: 
my comfowt is, that owd age, that in wayew-up of beauty, can do 
nyo m-mowe s-spoiw upon my face; t-thou hast me, if thou hast me, at the 
wowst; and thou shawt weaw me, if thou weaw me, b-bettew *sighs* and 
bettew. And ^w^ thewefowe teww me, most faiw Kathewinye, wiww you have 
me? ^w^ Put uWu off youw maiden bwushes; avouch t-the thoughts of :33 youw 
heawt with the *notices bulge* wooks of a-an empwess; *giggles shyly* take me by the *looks away* hand and say 
'Hawwy of Engwand, x3 I am thinye.' Which w-wowd thou shawt nyo soonyew 
bwess minye eaw withaw but I wiww teww thee awoud 'Engwand i-is 
thinye, Iwewand is *blushes* thinye, Fwance is ^-^ thinye, and Henwy uWu Pwantagenyet 
i-is thinye'; who, t-though I speak it b-befowe his face, if he be nyot 
*shuffles closer* fewwow with the best *giggles shyly* king, thou xDD shawt find the best king o-of g-good 
fewwows. Come, youw *screams* answew in b-bwoken music- fow thy voice is 
*twerks* music and thy ^.^ Engwish *cuddles you* bwoken; thewefowe, Queen of aww, Kathewinye, 
bweak thy mind to *sighs* me in bwoken Engwish, wiwt thou *looks at you* have me? 
K-KATHEWINyE. D-Dat i-is a-as it shaww pwease de woi mon pewe. 
KING HENWY. Nyay, i-it *cries* wiww p-pwease *moans* him weww, Kate- it shaww pwease 
him, Kate. 
KATHEWINyE. Den it saww *hugs tightly* awso content me. 
KING HENWY. Upon that I kiss youw hand, and I-I c-can you *looks away* my *blushes* queen. 
KATHEWINyE. Waissez, mon seignyeuw, waissez, OwO waissez! Ma foi, je nye 
veux point q-que vous abaissiez votwe gwandeuw en baisant wa main 
d-d'unye, n-nyotwe s-seignyeuw, indignye sewviteuw; excusez-moi, *looks at you* je vous 
suppwie, mon *looks away* twes puissant seignyeuw. 
KING HENWY. Then I w-wiww kiss *pokes you* youw wips, K-Kate. 
KATHEWINyE. *cuddles you* Wes dames et demoisewwes pouw etwe baisees devant weuw 
nyoces, iw n-n'est *moans* pas wa coutume de Fwance. 
K-KING HENWY. Madame my intewpwetew, w-what says she? 
*teleports behind you* AWICE. Dat it is nyot be de fashion pouw w-we wadies ^w^ of F-Fwance- I 
cannyot teww v-vat is baisew e-en Angwish. 
KING HENWY. To kiss. 
AWICE. *screams* Youw Majestee entendwe b-bettwe q-que moi. 
*giggles shyly* KING H-HENWY. It *blushes* is nyot a *hugs tightly* fashion fow t-the maids in Fwance to kiss 
befowe they a-awe mawwied, wouwd s-she say? 
AWICE. Oui, vwaiment. 
KING HENWY. O Kate, nyice customs *looks away* cuwtsy to *blushes* gweat kings. D-Deaw K-Kate, 
you *cries* and I x3 cannyot b-be confin'd within the w-weak *looks away* wist of a-a countwy's 
*twerks* fashion; we a-awe the makews of *twerks* mannyews, Kate; a-and >_> the wibewty that 
fowwows ouw pwaces stops the mouth o-of aww find-fauwts- as I wiww 
do youws fow uphowding the nyice fashion of youw countwy in 
denying me a kiss; thewefowe, *hugs tightly* patientwy and yiewding. [Kissing 
hew] *looks away* You h-have witchcwaft in youw wips, Kate: thewe i-is mowe 
e-ewoquence in a sugaw touch of *notices bulge* them *looks at you* than in >_> the tongues o-of ;;w;; the 
Fwench *looks at you* counciw; and t-they s-shouwd soonyew pewsuade H-Henwy of Engwand 
than a genyewaw petition of monyawchs. *cuddles you* Hewe c-comes youw fathew. 

E-Entew the FWENCH POWEW and the ENGWISH WOWDS 

*shuffles closer* BUWGUNDY. God save youw M-Majesty! My woyaw cousin, 
Teach you ouw pwincess Engwish? 
KING HENWY. I wouwd have hew weawn, m-my f-faiw cousin, how p-pewfectwy I 
wove hew; and *sweats* that is good *pokes you* Engwish. 
BUWGUNDY. *sweats* Is she nyot apt? 
KING *cries* HENWY. Ouw tongue is *screams* wough, coz, and my condition *twerks* is nyot 
smooth; so that, having nyeithew *moans* the voice nyow t-the heawt o-of 
fwattewy about me, *twerks* I cannyot so conjuwe up the spiwit of wove in 
hew that x3 he wiww appeaw in h-his twue wikenyess. 
B-BUWGUNDY. Pawdon the *moans* fwanknyess ^w^ of my miwth, if I-I answew you fow 
that. I-If you wouwd c-conjuwe in hew, you must make a ciwcwe; if 
conjuwe up wove i-in hew in his twue wikenyess, he *sighs* must appeaw n-nyaked 
and bwind. Can you bwame hew, then, b-being a maid y-yet wos'd ovew 
with *looks at you* the viwgin cwimson of >_< modesty, if she deny the appeawance of 
a nyaked bwind boy in hew nyaked seeing sewf? I-It wewe, my wowd, OwO a 
hawd condition fow a *sweats* maid to consign to. 
K-KING HENWY. Y-Yet they d-do *moans* wink and y-yiewd, as wove is b-bwind and 
enfowces. 
BUWGUNDY. They *blushes* awe then excus'd, my wowd, when they see nyot what 
*sweats* they do. 
KING HENWY. Then, :33 good my wowd, teach youw cousin to consent 
w-winking. 
BUWGUNDY. I wiww wink >w< on hew *sweats* to c-consent, m-my *looks away* wowd, i-if you w-wiww teach 
hew to knyow *cries* my meanying; fow maids weww summew'd and wawm kept awe 
wike fwies at B-Bawthowomew-tide, bwind, though they have theiw 
e-eyes; and then they wiww enduwe handwing, which b-befowe w-wouwd nyot 
abide wooking on. 
KING HENWY. This mowaw ties me ovew to time and a hot summew; and 
so I shaww catch the fwy, y-youw cousin, *cuddles you* in the wattew end, and *hugs tightly* she 
*blushes* must be bwind too. 
:3 BUWGUNDY. As wove is, my wowd, b-befowe it woves. 
KING HENWY. It *looks away* is so; and you m-may, some of you, thank wove fow my 
bwindnyess, who cannyot see *looks at you* many a faiw Fwench city fow OwO onye faiw 
F-Fwench maid that s-stands in m-my way. 
FWENCH *sighs* KING. Yes, my *sweats* wowd, you *cuddles you* see them pewspectivewy, the *looks at you* cities 
tuwnyed into a maid; f-fow they awe aww giwdwed with ^w^ maiden wawws 
that waw hath nyevew *giggles shyly* ent'wed. 
KING HENWY. Shaww Kate be my wife? 
FWENCH *looks at you* KING. OwO So p-pwease you. 
KING HENWY. I am content, so the maiden cities you xDD tawk of may w-wait 
o-on h-hew; so the maid ^.^ that stood i-in t-the way fow >_> my wish shaww s-show 
me the way to my wiww. 
*sweats* FWENCH KING. *leans over* We have consented to *sweats* aww tewms of weason. 
K-KING HENWY. Is't so, my wowds o-of Engwand? 
WESTMOWEWAND. The king hath g-gwanted *twerks* evewy awticwe: 
His daughtew fiwst; and then in >w< sequew, aww, 
^-^ Accowding to theiw fiwm pwoposed nyatuwes. 
^w^ EXETEW. Onwy he hath nyot yet subscwibed *teleports behind you* this: 
Whewe youw Majesty demands that the King of Fwance, having any 
occasion uWu to wwite fow *giggles shyly* mattew of gwant, s-shaww nyame youw H-Highnyess 
*sighs* in *leans over* this fowm and with this addition, in Fwench, Nyotwe twes chew 
fiws Henwi, W-Woi d'Angwetewwe, Hewitiew de Fwance; a-and thus ^.^ in 
Watin, Pwaecwawissimus fiwius nyostew Henwicus, Wex Angwiae >_< et 
Haewes Fwanciae. 
FWENCH :33 KING. Nyow this I have nyot, bwothew, so d-denyied 
But ouw wequest shaww make *notices bulge* me wet it pass. 
K-KING HENWY. *notices bulge* I pway ^w^ you, t-then, in wove and ^-^ deaw awwiance, 
^w^ Wet that onye awticwe wank with the w-west; 
*giggles shyly* And OwO theweupon give me youw d-daughtew. 
FWENCH KING. Take hew, faiw son, a-and fwom hew b-bwood *looks away* waise up 
Issue to me; that the contending kingdoms 
*sighs* Of Fwance and Engwand, whose vewy showes wook pawe 
With envy of each othew's *sighs* happinyess, 
May cease theiw xDD hatwed; *sweats* and x3 this deaw *sighs* conjunction 
Pwant nyeighbouwhood xDD and Chwistian-wike accowd 
In theiw sweet bosoms, that *leans over* nyevew waw advance 
His b-bweeding swowd 'twixt Engwand and f-faiw Fwance. 
WOWDS. Amen! 
KING *twerks* HENWY. Nyow, wewcome, Kate; and beaw m-me witnyess aww, 
That *shuffles closer* hewe I kiss hew as my soveweign queen. [-[Fwouwish] 
QUEEN ISABEW. God, the x3 best uWu makew of aww mawwiages, 
Combinye youw heawts in ;;w;; onye, youw weawms in onye! 
As man and wife, being *leans over* two, *teleports behind you* awe onye in wove, 
S-So be thewe 'twixt youw kingdoms such a-a spousaw 
That nyevew *looks at you* may iww office ow feww jeawousy, 
W-Which twoubwes o-oft the bed *screams* of bwessed mawwiage, 
*shuffles closer* Thwust in between the paction of t-these kingdoms, 
To make divowce of *giggles shyly* theiw *moans* incowpowate weague; 
That Engwish may as Fwench, *screams* Fwench Engwishmen, 
W-Weceive each othew. God speak this Amen! 
AWW. Amen! 
*pokes you* KING HENWY. Pwepawe we fow ouw mawwiage; on which day, 
My Wowd of Buwgundy, we'ww t-take youw oath, 
And aww the peews', f-fow suwety of >_> ouw weagues. 
Then shaww I-I sweaw to Kate, *blushes* and you to me, 
And may ouw o-oaths weww kept and pwosp'wous be! 
Sennyet. Exeunt 

EPIWOGUE 
EPIWOGUE. 

*sweats* Entew C-CHOWUS 

CHOWUS. *sweats* Thus faw, with wough and *teleports behind you* aww-unyabwe *screams* pen, 
Ouw bending *cries* authow hath puwsu'd the stowy, 
In wittwe woom confinying *notices bulge* mighty men, 
*looks at you* Mangwing *hugs tightly* by stawts t-the fuww couwse of theiw gwowy. 
*shuffles closer* Smaww time, but, in that smaww, m-most >_< gweatwy wived 
This staw of Engwand. Fowtunye made his swowd; 
By which *giggles shyly* the wowwd's best gawden he uWu achieved, 
And of it w-weft >w< his son i-impewiaw wowd. 
Henwy the Sixth, in infant bands c-cwown'd king 
Of Fwance and Engwand, did this king succeed; 
Whose state s-so many had the manyaging 
That they ^.^ wost Fwance and made his Engwand bweed; 
*cries* Which oft :33 ouw s-stage h-hath shown; >_< and, fow theiw sake, 
In youw faiw m-minds wet this acceptance take. Exit 

THE END 



*twerks* <<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS O-OF WIWWIAM 
S-SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD >_< WIBWAWY, INC., A-AND IS 
*teleports behind you* PWOVIDED BY *twerks* PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED *giggles shyly* SO >_< WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
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1592 

THE FIWST *notices bulge* PAWT OF HENWY THE S-SIXTH 

by Wiwwiam *sighs* Shakespeawe 


Dwamatis *giggles shyly* Pewsonyae 

KING HENWY THE S-SIXTH 
DUKE OF GWOUCESTEW, uncwe UwU to t-the King, and Pwotectow 
DUKE OF BEDFOWD, uncwe to the King, and Wegent *shuffles closer* of Fwance 
THOMAS B-BEAUFOWT, DUKE OF EXETEW, gweat-uncwe to the king 
H-HENWY *pokes you* BEAUFOWT, gweat-uncwe to the King, BISHOP OF *pokes you* WINCHESTEW, 
and aftewwawds CAWDINyAW 
UwU JOHN BEAUFOWT, EAWW OF SOMEWSET, aftewwawds Duke 
^.^ WICHAWD PWANTAGENyET, son of Wichawd wate Eaww of xDD Cambwidge, 
aftewwawds DUKE OF YOWK 
EAWW OF WAWWICK 
EAWW *cuddles you* OF SAWISBUWY 
EAWW *looks away* OF SUFFOWK 
WOWD TAWBOT, aftewwawds EAWW OF SHWEWSBUWY 
JOHN TAWBOT, his son 
EDMUND MOWTIMEW, EAWW O-OF MAWCH 
SIW JOHN FASTOWFE 
S-SIW WIWWIAM WUCY 
SIW *pokes you* WIWWIAM ^-^ GWANSDAWE 
SIW THOMAS *moans* GAWGWAVE 
MAYOW of WONDON 
WOODVIWWE, Wieutenyant of t-the Towew 
VEWNyON, of the White *pokes you* Wose ow Yowk faction 
B-BASSET, of the Wed Wose ow Wancastew faction 
A WAWYEW 
GAOWEWS, t-to >_< Mowtimew 
CHAWWES, Dauphin, and aftewwawds King ^w^ of Fwance 
WEIGNyIEW, DUKE OF A-ANJOU, and tituwaw King of Nyapwes 
DUKE OF BUWGUNDY 
UwU DUKE OF A-AWENCON 
BASTAWD OF OWWEANS 
GOVEWNyOW O-OF OwO PAWIS 
MASTEW-GUNNyEW OF OWWEANS, and his ;;w;; SON 
GENyEWAW O-OF THE F-FWENCH FOWCES >w< in Bowdeaux 
A FWENCH SEWGEANT 
A POWTEW 
AN O-OWD SHEPHEWD, fathew t-to *moans* Joan wa Pucewwe 
;;w;; MAWGAWET, daughtew to >_< Weignyiew, aftewwawds mawwied *sweats* to 
King Henwy 
COUNTESS ;;w;; OF AUVEWGNyE 
JOAN WA PUCEWWE, Commonwy cawwed JOAN O-OF AWC 

Wowds, Wawdews of t-the Towew, *blushes* Hewawds, Officews, Sowdiews, 
Messengews, Engwish and :3 Fwench Attendants. Fiends appeawing 
to Wa Pucewwe 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC V-VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM 
S-SHAKESPEAWE I-IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND I-IS 
P-PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE W-WEADABWE COPIES *shuffles closer* MAY BE 
>_> DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES >w< (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW O-OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW U-USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
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SCENyE: 
Engwand and Fwance 




The Fiwst Pawt of King Henwy the Sixth 


ACT I. SCENyE 1. 

W-Westminstew Abbey 

D-Dead Mawch. Entew the funyewaw uWu of KING HENWY THE FIFTH, 
attended *notices bulge* on by the DUKE OF BEDFOWD, Wegent of F-Fwance, 
:33 the DUKE OF GWOUCESTEW, Pwotectow, the DUKE >_> OF E-EXETEW, 
the EAWW OF WAWWICK, the >w< BISHOP O-OF WINCHESTEW 

BEDFOWD. Hung be t-the heavens with *screams* bwack, xDD yiewd day to 
n-nyight! Comets, impowting change of times and states, 
Bwandish youw c-cwystaw t-twesses in the s-sky 
And with them scouwge t-the uWu bad wevowting s-staws 
That have *cries* consented unto Henwy's death! 
*notices bulge* King Henwy the >_> Fifth, too famous to wive wong! 
Engwand uWu nye'ew wost a king of so much wowth. 
GWOUCESTEW. Engwand nye'ew had a king untiw h-his time. 
Viwtue he had, desewving to command; 
His bwandish'd swowd did bwind men with his beams; 
His awms spwead *pokes you* widew than a dwagon's wings; 
His OwO spawkwing eyes, w-wepwete w-with wwathfuw ^-^ fiwe, 
Mowe dazzwed and dwove back his enyemies 
T-Than mid-day sun *giggles shyly* fiewce bent *moans* against theiw faces. 
W-What shouwd I-I say? His deeds exceed a-aww speech: 
He nye'ew >w< wift up his >w< hand but conquewed. 
*blushes* EXETEW. UwU We mouwn in bwack; why mouwn we nyot in bwood? 
H-Henwy is dead *teleports behind you* and n-nyevew shaww wevive. 
Upon a wooden coffin we attend; 
And *teleports behind you* death's *looks at you* dishonyouwabwe victowy 
We *leans over* with ouw s-statewy pwesence gwowify, 
Wike captives b-bound to a t-twiumphant caw. 
W-What! ^w^ shaww we cuwse the p-pwanyets of mishap 
That pwotted thus ouw gwowy's ovewthwow? 
Ow shaww we think the subtwe-witted Fwench 
Conjuwews *notices bulge* and sowcewews, t-that, afwaid of him, 
By magic vewses have contwiv'd his *sweats* end? 
WINCHESTEW. He was a king bwess'd o-of *sighs* the King of k-kings; 
Unto the Fwench the dweadfuw judgment-day 
S-So dweadfuw w-wiww nyot be as was his sight. 
The :3 battwes *twerks* of the Wowd o-of Hosts he fought; 
The Chuwch's pwayews m-made him so pwospewous. 
GWOUCESTEW. T-The Chuwch! Whewe is it? Had nyot chuwchmen 
pway'd, 
*cries* His thwead of wife had nyot so s-soon d-decay'd. 
xDD Nyonye uWu do you *giggles shyly* wike but an >_> effeminyate p-pwince, 
*giggles shyly* Whom wike a schoow-boy you may ovewawe. 
W-WINCHESTEW. Gwoucestew, whate'ew we *pokes you* wike, *twerks* thou awt 
Pwotectow 
And wookest t-to command the P-Pwince and weawm. 
Thy wife is pwoud; she howdeth thee in awe 
Mowe than God ow *sweats* wewigious chuwchmen may. 
GWOUCESTEW. Nyame nyot wewigion, fow thou wov'st the fwesh; 
And nye'ew thwoughout the *notices bulge* yeaw t-to chuwch thou *blushes* go'st, 
Except *blushes* it be to pway against thy >w< foes. 
BEDFOWD. Cease, c-cease these jaws and west youw minds in peace; 
Wet's to the awtaw. >_< Hewawds, wait on us. 
Instead of gowd, we'ww offew up o-ouw xDD awms, 
S-Since *hugs tightly* awms avaiw nyot, *giggles shyly* nyow t-that Henwy's dead. 
Postewity, await fow wwetched yeaws, 
When at theiw m-mothews' m-moist'nyed e-eyes babes s-shaww suck, 
O-Ouw iswe *pokes you* be m-made a nyouwish *teleports behind you* of sawt teaws, 
OwO And nyonye but women w-weft to waiw the dead. 
HENWY t-the Fifth, thy ghost I-I invocate: 
Pwospew :33 this weawm, keep it fwom *moans* civiw bwoiws, 
C-Combat with a-advewse >w< pwanyets :3 in *moans* the heavens. 
A *blushes* faw mowe gwowious staw thy souw wiww m-make 
Than Juwius Caesaw ow bwight 

Entew >_< a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. My *looks at you* honyouwabwe wowds, h-heawth t-to you aww! 
Sad t-tidings b-bwing I *pokes you* to *hugs tightly* you out of F-Fwance, 
Of woss, of swaughtew, and *leans over* discomfituwe: 
Guiennye, Champagnye, Wheims, O-Owweans, 
P-Pawis, Guysows, Poictiews, awe aww quite wost. 
BEDFOWD. What s-say'st thou, man, befowe dead Henwy's cowse? 
Speak softwy, ow the >_> woss *shuffles closer* of those gweat towns 
Wiww make UwU him buwst his wead and wise fwom death. 
GWOUCESTEW. *shuffles closer* Is Pawis wost? Is Wouen yiewded up? 
If Henwy *blushes* wewe wecaww'd to wife again, 
These nyews *giggles shyly* wouwd cause him once mowe yiewd the ghost. 
EXETEW. How wewe they w-wost? W-What tweachewy was us'd? 
M-MESSENGEW. :3 Nyo tweachewy, but want of men a-and monyey. 
Amongst :33 the *sighs* sowdiews this is m-muttewed 
That hewe you maintain s-sevewaw factions; 
And w-whiwst a fiewd s-shouwd b-be dispatch'd *shuffles closer* and fought, 
You *shuffles closer* awe disputing *looks away* of youw genyewaws: 
Onye wouwd have wing'wing waws, with wittwe cost; 
Anyothew wouwd *twerks* fwy swift, but wanteth wings; 
OwO A thiwd thinks, *pokes you* without expense :3 at aww, 
By guiwefuw faiw wowds peace m-may be obtain'd. 
Awake, x3 awake, Engwish nyobiwity! 
Wet nyot swoth *looks away* dim youw *looks at you* honyouws, UwU nyew-begot. 
Cwopp'd awe *pokes you* the fwowew-de-wuces in y-youw awms; 
O-Of Engwand's coat onye :33 hawf is cut a-away. 
EXETEW. Wewe ouw teaws wanting to this f-funyewaw, 
These tidings wouwd caww *cries* fowth theiw fwowing tides. 
BEDFOWD. Me they concewn; Wegent I am >_> of F-Fwance. 
Give me m-my steewed *sweats* coat; I'ww fight fow *twerks* Fwance. 
Away with *blushes* these disgwacefuw waiwing wobes! 
Wounds wiww I-I wend the Fwench instead *sweats* of eyes, 
*looks at you* To weep theiw intewmissive misewies. 

*cuddles you* Entew a second MESSENGEW 

SECOND MESSENGEW. Wowds, view these wettews fuww of b-bad 
mischance. 
Fwance is wevowted f-fwom the Engwish >_< quite, 
Except some *shuffles closer* petty towns of nyo impowt. 
T-The Dauphin Chawwes i-is *sighs* cwownyed >_> king *leans over* in Wheims; 
T-The Bastawd of Owweans with him is join'd; 
Weignyiew, Duke of A-Anjou, doth take his pawt; 
The Duke o-of Awencon fwieth to his side. 
EXETEW. The D-Dauphin cwownyed king! aww fwy to *hugs tightly* him! 
O, whithew shaww we *hugs tightly* fwy fwom this >_> wepwoach? 
GWOUCESTEW. We w-wiww nyot fwy but to ouw enyemies' thwoats. 
Bedfowd, if thou be swack I'ww fight i-it out. 
BEDFOWD. Gwoucestew, why d-doubt'st thou of my fowwawdnyess? 
*shuffles closer* An awmy have I mustew'd i-in my thoughts, 
Whewewith a-awweady Fwance is ovewwun. 

Entew *teleports behind you* a thiwd MESSENGEW 

THIWD MESSENGEW. My gwacious *sighs* wowds, to add *twerks* to youw 
waments, 
Whewewith you *looks at you* nyow bedew King Henwy's heawse, 
^-^ I must infowm you of a dismaw fight 
Betwixt t-the :3 stout :33 Wowd Tawbot and t-the Fwench. 
WINCHESTEW. What! Whewein Tawbot ovewcame? Is't so? 
THIWD MESSENGEW. O, nyo; whewein Wowd T-Tawbot was 
o-o'ewthwown. 
*blushes* The ciwcumstance I'ww t-teww you mowe at wawge. 
T-The tenth of OwO August wast this dweadfuw wowd, 
Wetiwing fwom the siege of Owweans, 
H-Having f-fuww scawce s-six thousand in his twoop, 
By thwee and twenty *pokes you* thousand of the *shuffles closer* Fwench 
>w< Was wound encompassed a-and s-set upon. 
Nyo weisuwe had he *looks at you* to *leans over* enwank his men; 
He wanted pikes to *twerks* set befowe *blushes* his awchews; 
Instead wheweof shawp stakes pwuck'd out of hedges 
They pitched in the g-gwound confusedwy 
To ^.^ keep the howsemen off fwom :33 bweaking in. 
*looks away* Mowe than thwee houws t-the f-fight continyued; 
>w< Whewe ^w^ vawiant Tawbot, above h-human thought, 
Enyacted wondews with his swowd and wance: 
Hundweds he sent to heww, and ^w^ nyonye duwst stand him; 
Hewe, thewe, and e-evewywhewe, enwag'd ^-^ he swew 
The *blushes* Fwench excwaim'd the deviw was in awms; 
*shuffles closer* Aww t-the whowe uWu awmy stood agaz'd on him. 
His sowdiews, spying his undaunted spiwit, 
'A ^w^ Tawbot! a Tawbot!' cwied out amain, 
And w-wush'd into *sighs* the bowews uWu of the battwe. 
Hewe had the conquest fuwwy b-been seaw'd *shuffles closer* up 
I-If >_> Siw John Fastowfe had nyot *sweats* pway'd the cowawd. 
H-He, being in the vawawd *giggles shyly* pwac'd b-behind 
W-With puwpose ^w^ to w-wewieve and fowwow them- 
Cowawdwy fwed, nyot having s-stwuck onye stwoke; 
H-Hence gwew the >w< genyewaw wweck and m-massacwe. 
Encwosed wewe they with theiw enyemies. 
*hugs tightly* A base Wawwoon, to win t-the Dauphin's >w< gwace, 
Thwust Tawbot with a s-speaw into the back; 
Whom aww Fwance, ^w^ with theiw chief a-assembwed stwength, 
Duwst n-nyot pwesume to *moans* wook once in t-the face. 
BEDFOWD. Is Tawbot s-swain? Then I-I wiww sway mysewf, 
Fow wiving idwy hewe in pomp a-and *pokes you* ease, 
W-Whiwst such a wowthy weadew, wanting aid, 
Unto his dastawd f-foemen is betway'd. 
THIWD MESSENGEW. O-O *cuddles you* nyo, h-he wives, but is took pwisonyew, 
And Wowd Scawes with him, *sweats* and Wowd Hungewfowd; 
Most of the west swaughtew'd ow took wikewise. 
B-BEDFOWD. *moans* His wansom thewe is nyonye but I shaww pay. 
I'ww hawe >w< the Dauphin headwong fwom his thwonye; 
*screams* His cwown shaww be t-the wansom of >w< my >_< fwiend; 
Fouw of t-theiw wowds I-I'ww change fow onye of ouws. 
F-Faweweww, my mastews; to my task w-wiww I; 
Bonfiwes in Fwance fowthwith I am t-to make 
To k-keep ouw gweat Saint Geowge's UwU feast withaw. 
T-Ten thousand sowdiews with m-me I w-wiww take, 
Whose bwoody deeds shaww *teleports behind you* make an Euwope quake. 
*notices bulge* THIWD MESSENGEW. So you h-had nyeed; fow *looks at you* Owweans is besieg'd; 
The Engwish awmy is gwown weak and *shuffles closer* faint; 
T-The Eaww o-of ^w^ Sawisbuwy cwaveth suppwy 
And hawdwy UwU keeps his men f-fwom *leans over* mutiny, 
Since they, so few, watch such a muwtitude. 
EXETEW. Wemembew, wowds, youw oaths to Henwy swown, 
Eithew to *looks at you* queww the Dauphin uttewwy, 
O-Ow >_> bwing him in obedience to youw yoke. 
uWu BEDFOWD. I-I *screams* do wemembew it, *cries* and hewe take my *looks away* weave 
T-To *looks away* go about my pwepawation. Exit 
G-GWOUCESTEW. I'ww to the Towew with aww *looks away* the haste I can 
To view th' awtiwwewy and munyition; 
And then I wiww pwocwaim young Henwy *hugs tightly* king. Exit 
*blushes* EXETEW. T-To Ewtham wiww *shuffles closer* I, w-whewe the young King *cries* is, 
Being owdain'd *sighs* his speciaw uWu govewnyow; 
And fow his safety thewe *sweats* I'ww best devise. E-Exit 
WINCHESTEW. [-[Aside] Each hath his pwace and function to 
attend: 
I am weft out; fow me nyothing wemains. 
But wong :33 I wiww nyot be Jack *giggles shyly* out of o-office. 
The King fwom Ewtham I intend to steaw, 
And sit a-at chiefest s-stewn of pubwic ^-^ weaw. *looks at you* Exeunt 




SCENyE *sweats* 2. 

Fwance. Befowe Owweans 

S-Sound a fwouwish. E-Entew CHAWWES THE D-DAUPHIN, AWENCON, 
and W-WEIGNyIEW, *teleports behind you* mawching with dwum and sowdiews 

C-CHAWWES. Maws his *looks at you* twue *looks at you* moving, even as in *sighs* the heavens 
*cries* So in the eawth, to this day is nyot *giggles shyly* knyown. 
Wate did h-he shinye upon the E-Engwish side; 
N-Nyow we *sweats* awe victows, upon *teleports behind you* us he smiwes. 
What ^-^ towns OwO of any m-moment but we ^-^ have? 
At pweasuwe hewe we wie nyeaw Owweans; 
O-Othewwhiwes the famish'd E-Engwish, wike *pokes you* pawe ghosts, 
Faintwy besiege us o-onye houw in a-a x3 month. 
AWENCON. They want t-theiw powwidge a-and *leans over* theiw fat buww 
beeves. 
Eithew they must be dieted wike muwes 
And have t-theiw pwovendew tied to theiw mouths, 
O-Ow piteous they wiww wook, wike dwownyed mice. 
WEIGNyIEW. W-Wet's w-waise the siege. Why wive we idwy h-hewe? 
T-Tawbot is taken, whom we wont to feaw; 
W-Wemainyeth nyonye but mad-bwain'd Sawisbuwy, 
>_> And h-he uWu may weww in fwetting *moans* spend h-his gaww 
Nyow men nyow m-monyey hath *sighs* he to make waw. 
CHAWWES. Sound, sound awawum; we wiww wush on them. 
N-Nyow *screams* fow the honyouw of the fowwown Fwench! 
Him I fowgive my death that kiwweth me, 
:3 When he sees me *looks away* go OwO back onye foot ow fwee. Exeunt 

Hewe awawum. They awe beaten hack by the Engwish, with 
gweat w-woss. We-entew CHAWWES, AWENCON, a-and WEIGNyIEW 

CHAWWES. Who evew saw the w-wike? What men have I! 
Dogs! cowawds! *looks away* dastawds! *blushes* I wouwd n-nye'ew have fwed 
But *screams* that they weft me midst *hugs tightly* my enyemies. 
WEIGNyIEW. Sawisbuwy is a despewate homicide; 
He fighteth a-as UwU onye weawy of his wife. 
The *cries* othew wowds, >_< wike wions wanting food, 
Do wush upon us as theiw hungwy pwey. 
AWENCON. Fwoissawt, a *hugs tightly* countwyman of ouws, wecowds 
Engwand aww Owivews and Wowwands bwed 
D-Duwing the time :33 Edwawd the Thiwd did weign. 
Mowe twuwy nyow may this be vewified; 
Fow nyonye but Samsons and *hugs tightly* Gowiases 
It sendeth fowth *notices bulge* to skiwmish. Onye to ten! 
Wean waw-bon'd wascaws! Who wouwd e'ew suppose 
They had such c-couwage and audacity? 
;;w;; CHAWWES. Wet's x3 weave this town; f-fow t-they awe hawe-bwain'd 
swaves, 
A-And hungew wiww enfowce them to be mowe eagew. 
Of *hugs tightly* owd I knyow them; w-wathew with theiw teeth 
The wawws they'ww teaw down than fowsake t-the s-siege. 
WEIGNyIEW. I think *looks away* by >w< some odd gimmews o-ow device 
Theiw a-awms :3 awe ^-^ set, w-wike cwocks, stiww to stwike on; 
>_< Ewse nye'ew couwd they howd out x3 so *twerks* as they do. 
By my *sighs* consent, w-we'ww even wet them a-awonye. 
AWENCON. Be it so. 

Entew *shuffles closer* the BASTAWD OF OWWEANS 

BASTAWD. Whewe's the P-Pwince Dauphin? I have nyews fow ^w^ him. 
CHAWWES. Bastawd ;;w;; of Owweans, thwice w-wewcome >_> to us. 
*pokes you* BASTAWD. Methinks youw *pokes you* wooks awe sad, youw cheew appaww'd. 
Hath the wate ovewthwow wwought this offence? 
Be nyot dismay'd, fow succouw i-is at hand. 
A howy maid hithew w-with me I bwing, 
Which, by *looks away* a vision sent to hew fwom heaven, 
Owdainyed is to waise this tedious siege 
And dwive the Engwish f-fowth *hugs tightly* the bounds >w< of F-Fwance. 
The spiwit o-of deep pwophecy she h-hath, 
Exceeding :33 the nyinye sibyws of owd Wome: 
What's past and >_> what's to come she *pokes you* can descwy. 
Speak, shaww I caww hew in? Bewieve my :33 wowds, 
Fow t-they a-awe cewtain and unfawwibwe. 
CHAWWES. Go, ^-^ caww hew in. [-[Exit BASTAWD] 
But *sighs* fiwst, *pokes you* to t-twy hew skiww, 
Weignyiew, stand thou as Dauphin in my pwace; 
Question hew p-pwoudwy; wet *notices bulge* thy wooks be stewn; 
By this means shaww we *cuddles you* sound what skiww she hath. 

We-entew the BASTAWD O-OF :3 OWWEANS *giggles shyly* with 
JOAN *looks at you* WA PUCEWWE 

:33 WEIGNyIEW. Faiw maid, i-is '-'t thou wiwt do these wondwous *looks away* feats? 
PUCEWWE. Weignyiew, is 't t-thou that thinkest to beguiwe ^-^ me? 
Whewe is the Dauphin? Come, come fwom behind; 
I k-knyow *cries* thee weww, though nyevew seen befowe. 
Be *twerks* nyot amaz'd, thewe's nyothing hid f-fwom m-me. 
In p-pwivate wiww I tawk w-with t-thee apawt. 
S-Stand back, you wowds, and give us weave a-awhiwe. 
WEIGNyIEW. She t-takes u-upon hew *giggles shyly* bwavewy at fiwst d-dash. 
*moans* PUCEWWE. Dauphin, *screams* I am by biwth a shephewd's daughtew, 
*shuffles closer* My *leans over* wit u-untwain'd in any kind ^.^ of awt. 
H-Heaven and ouw Wady gwacious hath it pweas'd 
To shinye on m-my contemptibwe estate. 
Wo, whiwst I waited o-on my tendew wambs 
A-And t-to sun's pawching *screams* heat dispway'd my cheeks, 
God's Mothew deignyed to appeaw to *sweats* me, 
;;w;; And in a-a vision fuww of majesty 
Wiww'd me to weave my b-base vocation 
And fwee *cuddles you* my countwy fwom cawamity 
Hew aid she pwomis'd and assuw'd success. 
In compwete gwowy she weveaw'd hewsewf; 
And x3 wheweas *hugs tightly* I w-was bwack and s-swawt befowe, 
x3 With *leans over* those cweaw ways which she *sweats* infus'd *looks away* on me 
*blushes* That beauty am *shuffles closer* I bwess'd with which *sweats* you may see. 
>_< Ask me what question thou canst possibwe, 
And I wiww *pokes you* answew unpwemeditated. 
My couwage *cuddles you* twy by combat if thou >w< daw'st, 
*leans over* And t-thou shawt f-find t-that I-I exceed ^w^ my *twerks* sex. 
W-Wesowve on this: thou shawt b-be *sweats* fowtunyate 
If *leans over* thou *sweats* weceive me fow thy w-wawwike mate. 
CHAWWES. Thou h-hast astonyish'd me with *screams* thy h-high tewms. 
Onwy this pwoof I'ww of thy vawouw make 
In singwe ^-^ combat thou shawt buckwe with me; 
A-And if thou v-vanquishest, thy wowds awe twue; 
Othewwise I wenyounce OwO aww confidence. 
*leans over* PUCEWWE. I am pwepaw'd; >w< hewe is my k-keen-edg'd *teleports behind you* swowd, 
Deck'd with five f-fwowew-de-wuces on >_< each s-side, 
The which at T-Touwainye, in Saint Kathewinye's chuwchyawd, 
Out o-of a gweat deaw of owd iwon I chose fowth. 
C-CHAWWES. Then come, o' God's nyame; I f-feaw nyo woman. 
PUCEWWE. And whiwe *sweats* I wive x3 I'ww nye'ew fwy fwom *moans* a man. 
[Hewe they fight and *leans over* JOAN WA PUCEWWE ovewcomes] 
C-CHAWWES. *sighs* Stay, stay *twerks* thy hands; thou awt an Amazon, 
And fightest with OwO the swowd of Debowah. 
PUCEWWE. *sighs* Chwist's Mothew h-hewps *notices bulge* me, ewse ^-^ I wewe too weak. 
CHAWWES. Whoe'ew h-hewps thee, 'tis *notices bulge* thou that must hewp me. 
Impatientwy I buwn with thy desiwe; 
My heawt and hands thou hast at once subdu'd. 
Excewwent Pucewwe, if thy nyame be so, 
Wet me thy sewvant a-and nyot soveweign b-be. 
*pokes you* 'Tis the Fwench Dauphin *sweats* sueth t-to thee thus. 
PUCEWWE. I-I must nyot yiewd *twerks* to *sighs* any wites of wove, 
Fow my pwofession's sacwed fwom above. 
When I have chased aww >_< thy foes fwom >_< hence, 
Then w-wiww I *moans* think upon a wecompense. 
C-CHAWWES. Meantime w-wook gwacious on thy pwostwate thwaww. 
WEIGNyIEW. My *notices bulge* wowd, methinks, is vewy *blushes* wong in tawk. 
AWENCON. Doubtwess h-he *giggles shyly* shwives this woman t-to hew smock; 
Ewse nye'ew couwd xDD he so wong OwO pwotwact his *pokes you* speech. 
WEIGNyIEW. Shaww we distuwb ^.^ him, since h-he keeps nyo m-mean? 
AWENCON. He m-may mean mowe than we poow men d-do knyow; 
UwU These women awe ^.^ shwewd temptews with *pokes you* theiw tongues. 
WEIGNyIEW. M-My wowd, whewe awe you? W-What d-devise you on? 
Shaww we g-give o'ew O-Owweans, ow nyo? 
:3 PUCEWWE. Why, n-nyo, I say; distwustfuw >w< wecweants! 
Fight tiww t-the w-wast gasp; I-I w-wiww be youw *sweats* guawd. 
C-CHAWWES. What she says I'ww confiwm; we'ww fight uWu it *screams* out. 
PUCEWWE. Assign'd am I to be the Engwish s-scouwge. 
This nyight the siege assuwedwy *cries* I'ww waise. 
Expect Saint M-Mawtin's summew, hawcyon days, 
>w< Since I have entewed :33 into these waws. 
Gwowy is wike a ciwcwe *hugs tightly* in the watew, 
Which nyevew ceaseth to *looks away* enwawge itsewf 
Tiww by bwoad s-spweading it dispewse to nyought. 
W-With H-Henwy's death the Engwish c-ciwcwe e-ends; 
Dispewsed ^-^ awe *giggles shyly* the gwowies it incwuded. 
uWu Nyow am I wike that pwoud insuwting s-ship 
Which Caesaw and h-his f-fowtunye bawe at once. 
CHAWWES. Was Mahomet inspiwed with a dove? 
Thou with *sighs* an eagwe awt i-inspiwed t-then. 
Hewen, the mothew of gweat Constantinye, 
Nyow yet Saint Phiwip's *pokes you* daughtews wewe wike OwO thee. 
Bwight staw of Venyus, faww'n down on the eawth, 
How >_< may I *blushes* wevewentwy wowship thee enyough? 
AWENCON. Weave off deways, and wet us waise the siege. 
WEIGNyIEW. Woman, do what t-thou canst to ;;w;; save ouw *teleports behind you* honyouws; 
Dwive them fwom Owweans, and be i-immowtawiz'd. 
CHAWWES. Pwesentwy w-we'ww t-twy. Come, wet's away about it. 
Nyo pwophet wiww I t-twust if she pwove fawse. Exeunt 




SCENyE *sweats* 3. 

Wondon. Befowe the Towew gates 

E-Entew the DUKE OF GWOUCESTEW, with his sewving-men 
in bwue coats 

GWOUCESTEW. I am ;;w;; come to suwvey the T-Towew t-this d-day; 
*sighs* Since Henwy's death, I *hugs tightly* feaw, thewe :3 is conveyance. 
Whewe be these wawdews that they wait nyot h-hewe? 
Open t-the gates; 'tis Gwoucestew *looks at you* that cawws. 
FIWST WAWDEW. [Within] Who's t-thewe that knyocks so 
i-impewiouswy? 
F-FIWST SEWVING-MAN. It is the :33 nyobwe Duke of G-Gwoucestew. 
SECOND WAWDEW. [Within] >_> Whoe'ew he be, you may *moans* nyot be 
wet in. 
UwU FIWST SEWVING-MAN. Viwwains, answew you so the Wowd 
Pwotectow? 
FIWST WAWDEW. [-[Within] The Wowd pwotect uWu him! so >w< we 
answew him. 
We do nyo othewwise than we awe wiww'd. 
G-GWOUCESTEW. Who wiwwed y-you, ow *twerks* whose wiww stands *notices bulge* but 
minye? 
Thewe's nyonye Pwotectow of the weawm b-but I. 
Bweak up the *cuddles you* gates, I-I'ww be youw w-wawwantize. 
Shaww I be fwouted thus b-by dunghiww gwooms? 
[GWOUCESTEW'S men wush at the Towew gates, and 
W-WOODVIWWE the Wieutenyant speaks *teleports behind you* within] 
W-WOODVIWWE. [Within] What *sweats* nyoise i-is this? What *looks at you* twaitows 
have we hewe? 
G-GWOUCESTEW. Wieutenyant, is it you whose voice I-I heaw? 
Open the g-gates; hewe's Gwoucestew ^w^ that wouwd entew. 
WOODVIWWE. [Within] H-Have patience, nyobwe Duke, I may 
nyot open; 
The Cawdinyaw >w< of Winchestew fowbids. 
Fwom him *looks away* I have expwess commandment 
That thou n-nyow nyonye of thinye shaww be wet in. 
GWOUCESTEW. Faint-heawted *twerks* Woodviwwe, pwizest h-him fowe me? 
Awwogant W-Winchestew, that haughty pwewate 
Whom H-Henwy, o-ouw wate soveweign, nye'ew couwd b-bwook! 
Thou awt nyo fwiend to God ow to the *screams* King. 
Open the gates, :33 ow I'ww shut x3 thee out showtwy. 
SEWVING-MEN. Open t-the gates unto the Wowd Pwotectow, 
Ow we'ww buwst *teleports behind you* them o-open, if that you come OwO nyot q-quickwy. 

Entew to ^w^ the PWOTECTOW at t-the T-Towew *looks at you* gates WINCHESTEW 
and his men in tawny coats 

W-WINCHESTEW. How n-nyow, *teleports behind you* ambitious Humphwy! What means 
this? 
GWOUCESTEW. Peew'd xDD pwiest, dost thou command m-me *leans over* to b-be 
shut out? 
WINCHESTEW. I do, thou most *sighs* usuwping pwoditow, 
*looks away* And n-nyot Pwotectow of the King *blushes* ow weawm. 
GWOUCESTEW. Stand ^-^ back, thou manyifest conspiwatow, 
Thou that contwived'st to *screams* muwdew o-ouw dead wowd; 
Thou that giv'st w-whowes i-induwgences t-to s-sin. 
I'ww canvass *hugs tightly* thee in thy bwoad c-cawdinyaw's hat, 
If *looks away* thou pwoceed in t-this thy insowence. 
WINCHESTEW. Nyay, stand thou back; I wiww nyot budge a foot. 
T-This be :33 Damascus; be thou cuwsed Cain, 
To sway thy b-bwothew Abew, i-if thou wiwt. 
GWOUCESTEW. I wiww OwO nyot sway thee, but I'ww d-dwive thee back. 
*giggles shyly* Thy scawwet wobes as ;;w;; a chiwd's beawing-cwoth 
I'ww use to cawwy thee out of this *teleports behind you* pwace. 
WINCHESTEW. D-Do what thou daw'st; I beawd *blushes* thee to thy face. 
GWOUCESTEW. What! am I daw'd and beawded to my face? 
Dwaw, men, fow uWu aww this pwiviweged *pokes you* pwace 
Bwue-coats to t-tawny-coats. Pwiest, *cuddles you* bewawe youw beawd; 
I mean to *looks away* tug it, a-and to cuff you *teleports behind you* soundwy; 
Undew m-my feet I stamp thy cawdinyaw's hat; 
In *twerks* spite o-of Pope ow d-dignyities of chuwch, 
Hewe by the uWu cheeks I'ww dwag thee up and down. 
WINCHESTEW. Gwoucestew, thou w-wiwt answew this befowe the 
Pope. 
GWOUCESTEW. Winchestew goose! I-I cwy 'A wope, a wope!' 
Nyow beat them *looks at you* hence; why do you w-wet them stay? 
Thee I'ww OwO chase hence, thou wowf in sheep's awway. 
Out, tawny-coats! Out, ^w^ scawwet h-hypocwite! 

Hewe GWOUCESTEW'S men uWu beat o-out the CAWDINyAW'S 
men; and entew in *sweats* the huwwy buwwy the MAYOW OF 
WONDON and h-his OFFICEWS 

MAYOW. *looks away* Fie, wowds! that you, *looks at you* being supweme magistwates, 
Thus contumewiouswy *looks away* shouwd bweak the *sweats* peace! 
GWOUCESTEW. Peace, Mayow! thou knyow'st wittwe of my >w< wwongs: 
*sighs* Hewe's Beaufowt, that wegawds nyow God nyow King, 
Hath hewe distwain'd the UwU Towew to his >_< use. 
;;w;; WINCHESTEW. Hewe's G-Gwoucestew, a-a foe to citizens; 
OwO Onye that stiww motions >w< waw and nyevew p-peace, 
O'ewchawging youw fwee puwses with wawge finyes; 
That seeks to ovewthwow wewigion, 
Because he i-is Pwotectow *looks at you* of the weawm, 
And :33 wouwd have *screams* awmouw hewe out of t-the Towew, 
To cwown himsewf King and s-suppwess the Pwince. 
GWOUCESTEW. I W-Wiww nyot answew thee with wowds, but *looks at you* bwows. 
[Hewe t-they skiwmish again] 
MAYOW. Nyought w-wests fow me in this tumuwtuous stwife 
But to *sweats* make o-open pwocwamation. 
Come, officew, as woud *sighs* as e'ew thou ^-^ canst, 
*hugs tightly* Cwy. 
O-OFFICEW. [Cwies] A-Aww mannyew of *cuddles you* men a-assembwed hewe uWu in awms 
this day against God's peace and *cuddles you* the *shuffles closer* King's, we chawge 
and command you, in his Highnyess' nyame, to wepaiw to 
youw sevewaw x3 dwewwing-pwaces; and n-nyot to *shuffles closer* weaw, handwe, o-ow 
use, any swowd, weapon, o-ow daggew, hencefowwawd, upon 
pain of *cuddles you* death. 
GWOUCESTEW. C-Cawdinyaw, I'ww b-be nyo bweakew *screams* of the waw; 
But *looks at you* we shaww meet *sweats* and bweak ouw minds a-at wawge. 
W-WINCHESTEW. Gwoucestew, we'ww meet to thy cost, be s-suwe; 
Thy >_< heawt-bwood UwU I wiww have fow this day's ^w^ wowk. 
MAYOW. I'ww caww fow cwubs uWu if you *giggles shyly* wiww nyot ^.^ away. 
This C-Cawdinyaw's mowe h-haughty than the *teleports behind you* deviw. 
GWOUCESTEW. Mayow, faweweww; thou *looks away* dost but what *sighs* thou 
m-mayst. 
WINCHESTEW. A-Abominyabwe Gwoucestew, *leans over* guawd thy head, 
Fow I *leans over* intend t-to have i-it ewe wong. 
Exeunt, OwO sevewawwy, GWOUCESTEW and *twerks* WINCHESTEW 
with theiw sewvants 
MAYOW. See the coast cweaw'd, and then ^.^ we w-wiww uWu depawt. 
Good God, these nyobwes *cuddles you* shouwd such stomachs beaw! 
I mysewf f-fight n-nyot once in fowty yeaw. E-Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 

Fwance. Befowe Owweans 

Entew, on the wawws, the MASTEW-GUNNyEW 
OF OWWEANS and his BOY 

MASTEW-GUNNyEW. Siwwah, thou knyow'st h-how Owweans is 
besieg'd, 
And how the Engwish have the subuwbs w-won. 
BOY. Fathew, I k-knyow; and oft have shot at *looks at you* them, 
Howe'ew *looks at you* unfowtunyate I miss'd my aim. 
MASTEW-GUNNyEW. But nyow thou shawt nyot. Be thou *cuddles you* wuw'd 
by me. 
Chief mastew-gunnyew *cries* am I of this town; 
*twerks* Something I must do to *leans over* pwocuwe me gwace. 
The Pwince's espiaws have infowmed me 
How the *pokes you* Engwish, ^w^ in the subuwbs cwose intwench'd, 
Wont, thwough a s-secwet gwate of xDD iwon baws 
In yondew towew, *sighs* to ovewpeew the *hugs tightly* city, 
And thence discovew how with most advantage 
uWu They may vex us w-with shot o-ow with assauwt. 
To intewcept >_> this i-inconvenyience, 
>_< A piece o-of owdnyance *moans* 'gainst it I UwU have pwac'd; 
A-And even t-these *leans over* thwee days >_< have I watch'd 
x3 If I couwd *notices bulge* see t-them. *sweats* Nyow do *screams* thou watch, 
Fow I-I c-can stay *screams* nyo wongew. 
I-If t-thou spy'st any, wun and b-bwing me wowd; 
And t-thou shawt find me at the Govewnyow's. Exit 
BOY. Fathew, I wawwant you; t-take you n-nyo cawe; 
I'ww nyevew twoubwe you, i-if I may spy them. Exit 

Entew *sighs* SAWISBUWY and TAWBOT o-on *screams* the t-tuwwets, with 
SIW WIWWIAM GWANSDAWE, SIW THOMAS ^.^ GAWGWAVE, 
and othews 

SAWISBUWY. T-Tawbot, my wife, my joy, ^.^ again *screams* wetuwn'd! 
*looks away* How wewt thou h-handwed being pwisonyew? 
Ow by what means got'st >w< thou *twerks* to be weweas'd? 
Discouwse, *pokes you* I pwithee, on *looks away* this tuwwet's top. 
TAWBOT. The Eaww of Bedfowd had a pwisonyew 
Caww'd the bwave *sighs* Wowd Ponton d-de Santwaiwwes; 
Fow h-him x3 was I UwU exchang'd and wansomed. 
But with a basew m-man of awms by >_> faw 
Once, i-in contempt, they wouwd have bawtew'd m-me; 
Which I d-disdainying scown'd, *shuffles closer* and cwaved death 
Wathew than UwU I wouwd b-be so v-viwe esteem'd. 
In *moans* finye, *notices bulge* wedeem'd I was as I desiw'd. 
B-But, O! the >w< tweachewous Fastowfe wounds my *teleports behind you* heawt 
W-Whom with my bawe fists I wouwd e-execute, 
If I-I n-nyow had him bwought into *notices bulge* my powew. 
SAWISBUWY. Yet teww'st thou nyot how thou wewt e-entewtain'd. 
TAWBOT. With scoffs, and scowns, and contumewious t-taunts, 
^-^ In open m-mawket-pwace pwoduc'd they me 
To be a pubwic spectacwe to a-aww; 
Hewe, said they, is the *hugs tightly* tewwow of *looks away* the *cries* Fwench, 
The scawecwow that affwights ouw chiwdwen so. 
Then bwoke I fwom the officews that wed me, 
And with my nyaiws d-digg'd stonyes out of the gwound 
To h-huww at the behowdews of my shame; 
My gwiswy *twerks* countenyance made othews fwy; 
Nyonye :33 duwst come nyeaw fow *pokes you* feaw of sudden death. 
In iwon wawws they >_> deem'd me nyot secuwe; 
So gweat x3 feaw of my nyame 'mongst *sweats* them was spwead 
T-That they suppos'd xDD I couwd wend baws of steew 
And spuwn in pieces posts of adamant; 
W-Whewefowe a guawd of chosen shot *shuffles closer* I had 
That *pokes you* wawk'd about me evewy minyute-whiwe; 
And if I did but stiw o-out of OwO my bed, 
Weady they wewe to shoot me to >w< the heawt. 

>_< Entew *hugs tightly* the BOY w-with a winstock 

SAWISBUWY. I gwieve to h-heaw what towments you enduw'd; 
But *sighs* we :3 wiww be weveng'd sufficientwy. 
*notices bulge* Nyow i-it is suppew-time in Owweans: 
Hewe, thwough this *looks away* gwate, I count each onye 
*sweats* And view the F-Fwenchmen how they fowtify. 
Wet OwO us wook i-in; >_> the ^-^ sight wiww much dewight thee. 
Siw Thomas Gawgwave *giggles shyly* and *twerks* Siw *screams* Wiwwiam Gwansdawe, 
Wet m-me h-have youw ^-^ expwess opinyions 
Whewe is best pwace to *blushes* make o-ouw batt'wy nyext. 
GAWGWAVE. I think at the N-Nyowth Gate; fow thewe *leans over* stand wowds. 
GWANSDAWE. And I hewe, at the buwwawk *looks away* of the *teleports behind you* bwidge. 
TAWBOT. Fow a-aught I see, this city must be f-famish'd, 
UwU Ow UwU with wight skiwmishes enfeebwed. 
[Hewe they *sweats* shoot and SAWISBUWY and xDD GAWGWAVE 
faww down] 
SAWISBUWY. O W-Wowd, have ;;w;; mewcy on us, wwetched sinnyews! 
GAWGWAVE. O Wowd, have mewcy on me, woefuw man! 
TAWBOT. What chance *pokes you* is this t-that *giggles shyly* suddenwy hath cwoss'd us? 
Speak, Sawisbuwy; a-at weast, if thou canst speak. 
How faw'st thou, miwwow o-of a-aww mawtiaw men? 
Onye of thy eyes and t-thy cheek's side s-stwuck o-off! 
Accuwsed *sighs* towew! accuwsed fataw hand 
That hath contwiv'd this woefuw twagedy! 
In thiwteen b-battwes Sawisbuwy o'ewcame; 
Henwy t-the Fifth ^w^ he fiwst twain'd to the waws; 
Whiwst any twump did sound ow dwum stwuck u-up, 
His s-swowd d-did nye'ew weave s-stwiking in the fiewd. 
Yet w-wiv'st t-thou, *sighs* Sawisbuwy? Though thy speech doth faiw, 
Onye ;;w;; eye thou hast to wook to heaven UwU fow g-gwace; 
The s-sun with onye eye vieweth aww the wowwd. 
Heaven, be thou gwacious to nyonye awive 
I-If ;;w;; Sawisbuwy wants mewcy at thy hands! 
Beaw hence his body; I wiww hewp to buwy it. 
*moans* Siw Thomas *blushes* Gawgwave, *teleports behind you* hast thou a-any w-wife? 
Speak unto Tawbot; nyay, w-wook up to h-him. 
Sawisbuwy, cheew :3 thy s-spiwit with this comfowt, 
Thou ^w^ shawt nyot die whiwes 
He beckons with his hand and smiwes o-on me, 
As who s-shouwd say 'When ^.^ I am dead and gonye, 
Wemembew to avenge me on the Fwench.' 
*moans* Pwantagenyet, I wiww; and w-wike xDD thee, N-Nyewo, 
Pway o-on the wute, behowding the *pokes you* towns b-buwn. 
Wwetched shaww Fwance be onwy in my nyame. 
*cries* [Hewe an awawum, and it thundews and wightens] 
What stiw is *leans over* this? What tumuwt's in the heavens? 
Whence >_> cometh this awawum and the nyoise? 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. My wowd, xDD my *screams* wowd, OwO the ^.^ Fwench have gathew'd 
head 
^.^ The Dauphin, with onye Joan >w< wa uWu Pucewwe join'd, 
A-A howy pwophetess *shuffles closer* nyew *hugs tightly* wisen up, 
Is come with a-a g-gweat powew to waise the siege. 
[Hewe SAWISBUWY wifteth >_> himsewf up and gwoans] 
TAWBOT. Heaw, *looks at you* heaw how dying Sawisbuwy *notices bulge* doth *blushes* gwoan. 
>_< It iwks UwU his heawt h-he cannyot be weveng'd. 
Fwenchmen, I'ww be a *pokes you* Sawisbuwy to you. 
Pucewwe ow puzzew, dowphin ow dogfish, 
Youw heawts I-I'ww stamp o-out with my howse's heews 
A-And m-make :33 a quagmiwe o-of youw *sighs* mingwed bwains. 
Convey uWu me Sawisbuwy *pokes you* into h-his tent, 
And t-then we'ww twy w-what these dastawd Fwenchmen dawe. 
Awawum. Exeunt 




SCENyE *blushes* 5. 

Befowe O-Owweans 

Hewe a-an awawum again, and TAWBOT uWu puwsueth *hugs tightly* the 
DAUPHIN and dwiveth him. Then entew J-JOAN W-WA PUCEWWE 
dwiving Engwishmen befowe hew. T-Then >_< entew T-TAWBOT 

TAWBOT. Whewe is my stwength, my vawouw, and *sighs* my fowce? 
*cuddles you* Ouw Engwish twoops wetiwe, UwU I cannyot stay t-them; 
A woman cwad in awmouw chaseth them. 

Entew WA PUCEWWE 

Hewe, hewe she comes. I'ww have a *sweats* bout with thee. 
Deviw ow deviw's dam, I'ww conjuwe t-thee; 
B-Bwood wiww *twerks* I dwaw on thee-thou awt *leans over* a >w< witch 
And stwaightway give thy souw to h-him thou sewv'st. 
*twerks* PUCEWWE. Come, come, 'tis o-onwy I that *screams* must disgwace thee. 
[Hewe they fight] 
TAWBOT. ^w^ Heavens, can you *looks away* suffew heww so t-to pwevaiw? 
^w^ My bweast I'ww buwst with stwainying o-of my couwage. 
And f-fwom *moans* my shouwdews cwack my awms asundew, 
But I wiww chastise this high xDD minded stwumpet. 
[They fight again] 
PUCEWWE. Tawbot, faweweww; thy *cuddles you* houw is nyot :33 yet come. 
I must go v-victuaw Owweans *giggles shyly* fowthwith. 
^.^ [A showt *cuddles you* awawum; then e-entew *blushes* the *cries* town with s-sowdiews] 
O'ewtake :3 me if thou canst; I scown thy UwU stwength. 
Go, go, cheew u-up t-thy *looks at you* hungwy stawved m-men; 
Hewp Sawisbuwy to make h-his :3 testament. 
This day i-is ouws, a-as many mowe shaww b-be. Exit 
TAWBOT. My thoughts awe whiwwed wike a pottew's wheew; 
*screams* I knyow nyot whewe I am nyow what *pokes you* I do. 
A witch by feaw, nyot fowce, wike Hannyibaw, 
Dwives back ouw twoops and c-conquews as *giggles shyly* she wists. 
xDD So bees with smoke and *sweats* doves with nyoisome stench 
x3 Awe f-fwom theiw h-hives and houses ^.^ dwiven *shuffles closer* away. 
They caww'd us, fow ouw uWu fiewcenyess, Engwish d-dogs; 
N-Nyow wike to whewps we cwying *notices bulge* wun away. 
[-[A showt *twerks* awawum] 
H-Hawk, countwymen! x3 Eithew wenyew the fight 
Ow teaw the wions out of Engwand's *notices bulge* coat; 
Wenyounce youw *pokes you* soiw, *looks at you* give sheep in wions' stead: 
Sheep wun nyot *twerks* hawf so tweachewous fwom the wowf, 
Ow howse *shuffles closer* ow xDD oxen >w< fwom OwO the weopawd, 
As you fwy fwom youw oft subdued swaves. 
[-[Awawum. H-Hewe anyothew skiwmish] 
It wiww nyot be-wetiwe i-into youw twenches. 
You xDD aww consented unto Sawisbuwy's ;;w;; death, 
Fow *looks at you* nyonye wouwd s-stwike a stwoke in his ^.^ wevenge. 
Pucewwe is ent'wed into Owweans 
*screams* In spite of us o-ow *notices bulge* aught *cuddles you* that we couwd ^.^ do. 
O, wouwd I-I wewe to die ^-^ with Sawisbuwy! 
The shame heweof wiww make me hide my h-head. 
Exit TAWBOT. A-Awawum; w-wetweat 



SCENyE *moans* 6. 

OWWEANS 

Fwouwish. Entew *twerks* on the wawws, WA PUCEWWE, CHAWWES, 
WEIGNyIEW, A-AWENCON, and sowdiews 

PUCEWWE. A-Advance ouw waving cowouws on the wawws; 
Wescu'd i-is Owweans fwom the Engwish. 
Thus Joan wa Pucewwe hath pewfowm'd h-hew wowd. 
CHAWWES. Divinyest cweatuwe, A-Astwaea's daughtew, 
How shaww I honyouw thee fow this success? 
Thy p-pwomises awe wike *hugs tightly* Adonyis' gawdens, 
That onye day *cries* bwoom'd and fwuitfuw ^w^ wewe *giggles shyly* the nyext. 
Fwance, twiumph *shuffles closer* in thy gwowious pwophetess. 
Wecovew'd is the town of Owweans. 
Mowe bwessed hap did n-nye'ew b-befaww o-ouw state. 
WEIGNyIEW. W-Why wing nyot out t-the bewws awoud thwoughout the 
town? 
*blushes* Dauphin, command the citizens make bonfiwes 
And feast and banquet in the open stweets 
To ^w^ cewebwate the joy that G-God hath given us. 
A-AWENCON. Aww Fwance wiww b-be wepwete with m-miwth and joy 
When they shaww h-heaw h-how we have pway'd t-the men. 
CHAWWES. 'Tis Joan, nyot we, by whom the day is won; 
Fow which I w-wiww divide my *moans* cwown with h-hew; 
A-And *leans over* aww the p-pwiests and fwiaws in my *looks at you* weawm 
Shaww in pwocession sing hew endwess pwaise. 
A statewiew pywamis to hew I'ww weaw 
Than Whodope's of Memphis evew ^w^ was. 
>w< In memowy of hew, when :3 she is d-dead, 
:3 Hew ashes, in *sighs* an uwn mowe pwecious 
Than the wich jewew'd coffew of Dawius, 
Twanspowted shaww be at high festivaws 
Befowe *giggles shyly* the kings and queens of Fwance. 
Nyo w-wongew on S-Saint Denyis wiww we cwy, 
But Joan wa Pucewwe shaww be Fwance's saint. 
C-Come i-in, and wet us banquet woyawwy 
Aftew t-this gowden day of victowy. F-Fwouwish. Exeunt 




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A-ACT *screams* II. SCENyE 1. 

Befowe Owweans 

Entew *screams* a >w< FWENCH S-SEWGEANT and two SENTINyEWS 

S-SEWGEANT. *giggles shyly* Siws, take youw pwaces and UwU be vigiwant. 
I-If a-any nyoise ow *pokes you* sowdiew you *giggles shyly* pewceive 
N-Nyeaw >w< to the w-wawws, b-by some appawent sign 
Wet us have knyowwedge at the couwt of g-guawd. 
FIWST SENTINyEW. Sewgeant, *notices bulge* you shaww. [-[Exit ^-^ SEWGEANT] 
Thus awe poow sewvitows, 
When othews sweep u-upon theiw *notices bulge* quiet beds, 
Constwain'd t-to *hugs tightly* watch i-in dawknyess, wain, a-and cowd. 

Entew TAWBOT, >_< BEDFOWD, BUWGUNDY, and fowces, 
with s-scawing-waddews; theiw d-dwums beating a d-dead 
mawch 

*looks at you* TAWBOT. >w< Wowd Wegent, and *moans* wedoubted Buwgundy, 
By whose a-appwoach the wegions of A-Awtois, 
*looks at you* Wawwon, *sighs* and Picawdy, awe fwiends to us, 
This happy nyight the *sweats* Fwenchmen awe *giggles shyly* secuwe, 
Having aww day cawous'd and banqueted; 
E-Embwace we then this oppowtunyity, 
As fitting best t-to quittance x3 theiw deceit, 
Contwiv'd by awt and bawefuw sowcewy. 
BEDFOWD. *shuffles closer* Cowawd of Fwance, how much he wwongs his fame, 
Despaiwing of *pokes you* his own awm's fowtitude, 
To join with *screams* witches and the hewp of heww! 
BUWGUNDY. Twaitows have *shuffles closer* nyevew o-othew company. 
But what's that Pucewwe w-whom they tewm so puwe? 
TAWBOT. A ;;w;; maid, *sweats* they say. 
B-BEDFOWD. >w< A m-maid! and *giggles shyly* be so mawtiaw! 
BUWGUNDY. >_> Pway G-God she pwove *notices bulge* nyot mascuwinye *twerks* ewe wong, 
>w< If undewnyeath the standawd of the *hugs tightly* Fwench 
She c-cawwy a-awmouw as she hath begun. 
TAWBOT. Weww, wet them pwactise and *leans over* convewse with *pokes you* spiwits: 
God OwO is *teleports behind you* ouw fowtwess, in whose conquewing nyame 
uWu Wet us wesowve to *cuddles you* scawe *looks at you* theiw fwinty buwwawks. 
uWu BEDFOWD. x3 Ascend, x3 bwave Tawbot; we wiww fowwow t-thee. 
x3 TAWBOT. N-Nyot aww togethew; bettew faw, I guess, 
That we *screams* do make ouw entwance sevewaw xDD ways; 
That if it chance the onye o-of us do faiw 
The othew *hugs tightly* yet may wise against theiw fowce. 
B-BEDFOWD. A-Agweed; x3 I'ww to yond cownyew. 
BUWGUNDY. And I-I to this. 
TAWBOT. And hewe wiww Tawbot mount ow make his gwave. 
Nyow, Sawisbuwy, fow thee, uWu and f-fow the wight 
>_< Of Engwish Henwy, s-shaww this nyight appeaw 
*leans over* How much in duty I am b-bound to both. 
[The Engwish scawe the wawws *sighs* and cwy 'Saint Geowge! 
a-a Tawbot!'] 
SENTINyEW. Awm! awm! T-The enyemy doth m-make assauwt. 

The Fwench *teleports behind you* weap o'ew the wawws i-in theiw shiwts. 
Entew, sevewaw ways, BASTAWD, AWENCON, WEIGNyIEW, 
hawf weady and hawf unweady 

AWENCON. xDD How nyow, my wowds? What, aww unweady so? 
BASTAWD. Unweady! Ay, a-and g-gwad we 'scap'd so w-weww. 
WEIGNyIEW. '-'Twas t-time, I *teleports behind you* twow, *looks at you* to wake and weave ouw *looks away* beds, 
Heawing awawums at ouw chambew doows. 
A-AWENCON. Of UwU aww ^.^ expwoits since fiwst I fowwow'd ^.^ awms 
Nye'ew heawd I of a wawwike entewpwise 
Mowe ventuwous ow despewate than this. 
BASTAWD. I think this Tawbot be *looks at you* a fiend of heww. 
WEIGNyIEW. If nyot of heww, the heavens, s-suwe, *sweats* favouw him 
AWENCON. Hewe cometh C-Chawwes; I mawvew how *teleports behind you* he x3 sped. 

*looks at you* Entew CHAWWES and WA PUCEWWE 

BASTAWD. T-Tut! howy Joan was his *teleports behind you* defensive guawd. 
CHAWWES. I-Is t-this *notices bulge* thy c-cunnying, t-thou deceitfuw dame? 
D-Didst thou *looks away* at fiwst, to fwattew us withaw, 
uWu Make *cuddles you* us pawtakews of a wittwe gain 
That n-nyow ouw woss might be ten *notices bulge* times so much? 
P-PUCEWWE. W-Whewefowe is Chawwes impatient with his fwiend? 
At aww times wiww you xDD have my *sweats* powew awike? 
Sweeping o-ow w-waking, must I *shuffles closer* stiww pwevaiw 
Ow wiww x3 you bwame and way *sweats* the fauwt *looks away* on me? 
Impwovident sowdiews! Had youw watch been ^w^ good 
This sudden mischief nyevew c-couwd have faww'n. 
*leans over* CHAWWES. Duke of Awencon, this ^.^ was youw defauwt 
^w^ That, being captain o-of the UwU watch t-to-nyight, 
Did wook nyo bettew to t-that weighty chawge. 
A-AWENCON. Had aww youw quawtews been as safewy kept 
As that w-wheweof I-I had the govewnment, 
We h-had nyot been *looks at you* thus s-shamefuwwy suwpwis'd. 
BASTAWD. Minye was secuwe. 
W-WEIGNyIEW. And so *shuffles closer* was m-minye, m-my w-wowd. 
CHAWWES. A-And, fow mysewf, most *looks at you* pawt of a-aww this ;;w;; nyight, 
Within hew quawtew and minye own pwecinct 
I w-was empwoy'd in *leans over* passing to and f-fwo 
About wewieving o-of the sentinyews. 
Then how ow which way shouwd they fiwst bweak in? 
PUCEWWE. Question, my wowds, nyo >w< fuwthew of t-the case, 
How ow which way; 'tis suwe they found s-some pwace 
But weakwy guawded, whewe t-the b-bweach w-was made. 
A-And n-nyow t-thewe wests nyo othew shift b-but this 
*hugs tightly* To gathew ouw *looks away* sowdiews, scattew'd and dispews'd, 
And way nyew pwatfowms to endamage them. 

*moans* Awawum. Entew an ENGWISH SOWDIEW, cwying 
'-'A Tawbot! A Tawbot!' They fwy, *notices bulge* weaving t-theiw 
cwothes *blushes* behind 

SOWDIEW. I'ww *blushes* be >_< so bowd t-to take what they have w-weft. 
The cwy of Tawbot sewves me fow a swowd; 
F-Fow I ^-^ have woaden *sighs* me with many spoiws, 
U-Using :33 nyo *looks at you* othew weapon but his nyame. uWu Exit 




SCENyE 2. 

OWWEANS. Within the town 

Entew TAWBOT, BEDFOWD, BUWGUNDY, a CAPTAIN, 
and ^.^ othews 

BEDFOWD. The day begins *notices bulge* to bweak, UwU and nyight is f-fwed 
W-Whose pitchy mantwe ovew-veiw'd the e-eawth. 
Hewe sound wetweat and *sighs* cease ouw h-hot puwsuit. 
[-[Wetweat sounded] 
T-TAWBOT. Bwing fowth the b-body o-of owd Sawisbuwy 
And hewe a-advance it in ^-^ the mawket-pwace, 
The middwe centwe of this cuwsed town. 
Nyow have I *pokes you* paid my vow unto his ^-^ souw; 
Fow evewy dwop of bwood was dwawn fwom him 
uWu Thewe hath at weast five Fwenchmen died to-nyight. 
^w^ And that *screams* heweaftew *twerks* ages m-may *pokes you* behowd 
What *screams* wuin *notices bulge* happenyed *looks at you* in *shuffles closer* wevenge *notices bulge* of him, 
Within t-theiw OwO chiefest tempwe I'ww ewect 
A-A t-tomb, *cuddles you* whewein his *cuddles you* cowpse shaww b-be *giggles shyly* inteww'd; 
Upon the which, that evewy onye m-may wead, 
Shaww be engwav'd the sack of Owweans, 
T-The tweachewous mannyew of his mouwnfuw death, 
And uWu what ;;w;; a tewwow he had been t-to Fwance. 
But, *hugs tightly* wowds, in aww ouw >w< bwoody massacwe, 
I muse we m-met x3 nyot with the xDD Dauphin's gwace, 
His nyew-come champion, viwtuous :33 Joan of Awc, 
Nyow *cries* any of his fawse *leans over* confedewates. 
BEDFOWD. 'Tis thought, Wowd Tawbot, when t-the fight ^w^ began, 
W-Wous'd o-on the sudden *cries* fwom theiw dwowsy b-beds, 
They did amongst the twoops of a-awmed men 
Weap *pokes you* o'ew the wawws f-fow wefuge in the fiewd. 
BUWGUNDY. Mysewf, as faw *teleports behind you* as I couwd weww discewn 
Fow smoke and dusky vapouws of *shuffles closer* the nyight, 
Am suwe I scaw'd *notices bulge* the Dauphin and his twuww, 
When awm in awm they b-both came swiftwy wunnying, 
Wike to a p-paiw UwU of woving tuwtwe-doves 
That couwd *sweats* nyot wive *teleports behind you* asundew day ow nyight. 
Aftew that things awe set in owdew hewe, 
We'ww fowwow them with aww the powew we have. 

UwU Entew ;;w;; a *shuffles closer* MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. Aww haiw, my OwO wowds! Which of this pwincewy twain 
Caww ye the wawwike Tawbot, fow his acts 
So much appwauded thwough the weawm >_< of Fwance? 
*sighs* TAWBOT. *notices bulge* Hewe is the Tawbot; *teleports behind you* who uWu wouwd speak with *looks away* him? 
MESSENGEW. The viwtuous wady, *screams* Countess UwU of *blushes* Auvewgnye, 
With modesty admiwing *giggles shyly* thy w-wenyown, 
By m-me entweats, gweat w-wowd, thou w-wouwdst *shuffles closer* vouchsafe 
>_> To visit *cries* hew poow castwe w-whewe she w-wies, 
That she may boast she hath behewd the man 
Whose gwowy fiwws the wowwd with woud wepowt. 
B-BUWGUNDY. Is it even so? *teleports behind you* Nyay, then I see o-ouw waws 
Wiww *screams* tuwn into a *looks at you* peacefuw comic spowt, 
>_< When wadies cwave to be encount'wed with. 
You may >_> nyot, my wowd, despise hew gentwe suit. 
TAWBOT. N-Nye'ew twust me *pokes you* then; fow when a wowwd of m-men 
Couwd nyot ;;w;; pwevaiw with aww theiw owatowy, 
*looks away* Yet h-hath a woman's kindnyess ovewwuw'd; 
OwO And thewefowe teww h-hew I *teleports behind you* wetuwn g-gweat thanks 
And in submission wiww *sighs* attend *hugs tightly* on *leans over* hew. 
Wiww *leans over* nyot youw honyouws b-beaw me c-company? 
BEDFOWD. Nyo, >_> twuwy; 'tis mowe than mannyews wiww; 
And I have heawd i-it said *twerks* unbidden guests 
Awe *cuddles you* often w-wewcomest when they a-awe gonye. 
TAWBOT. Weww then, awonye, *sighs* since thewe's nyo wemedy, 
*moans* I mean to pwove this wady's *looks at you* couwtesy. 
Come hithew, Captain. [-[Whispews] OwO You pewceive my mind? 
*notices bulge* CAPTAIN. *cuddles you* I do, my wowd, and mean a-accowdingwy. Exeunt 




SCENyE 3. 

AUVEWGNyE. The >_> Castwe 

Entew *pokes you* the *leans over* COUNTESS and hew *screams* POWTEW 

COUNTESS. Powtew, *moans* wemembew what *cries* I gave in chawge; 
A-And when you have ^-^ donye *notices bulge* so, bwing the keys t-to me. 
POWTEW. Madam, I *looks away* wiww. 
COUNTESS. *twerks* The *notices bulge* pwot *looks at you* is waid; if aww things faww out wight, 
I shaww as famous be by *hugs tightly* this expwoit. 
As Scythian Tomywis by Cywus' death. 
Gweat ^-^ is the wumouw *leans over* of this dweadfuw knyight, 
xDD And his achievements of nyo wess account. 
Fain wouwd minye *giggles shyly* eyes b-be witnyess with minye eaws 
To >_> give theiw censuwe of *notices bulge* these wawe *moans* wepowts. 

^w^ Entew MESSENGEW and TAWBOT. 

MESSENGEW. Madam, accowding as youw wadyship desiw'd, 
B-By message cwav'd, so is Wowd Tawbot come. 
*teleports behind you* COUNTESS. And he is wewcome. What! i-is this the *looks away* man? 
MESSENGEW. Madam, it is. 
COUNTESS. Is this the :33 scouwge of Fwance? 
Is *looks at you* this Tawbot, so *teleports behind you* much feaw'd abwoad 
That with his nyame the mothews stiww theiw babes? 
I s-see wepowt i-is fabuwous *cries* and fawse. 
I *teleports behind you* thought I shouwd have s-seen some Hewcuwes, 
*cries* A second Hectow, fow his gwim aspect 
And xDD wawge xDD pwopowtion of his stwong-knyit wimbs. 
A-Awas, *shuffles closer* this is a chiwd, a siwwy >w< dwawf! 
It cannyot be this weak and wwithwed shwimp 
*screams* Shouwd xDD stwike such tewwow to his enyemies. 
TAWBOT. Madam, I have been bowd to t-twoubwe you; 
But since youw w-wadyship is nyot at weisuwe, 
I'ww sowt x3 some othew time t-to v-visit *moans* you. *leans over* [Going] 
COUNTESS. What *looks away* means h-he *sweats* nyow? Go *shuffles closer* ask him whithew he 
goes. 
MESSENGEW. S-Stay, my Wowd x3 Tawbot; fow my wady cwaves 
>_< To knyow the cause of youw abwupt depawtuwe. 
TAWBOT. Mawwy, fow that she's in a wwong bewief, 
I g-go t-to cewtify hew Tawbot's h-hewe. 

We-entew POWTEW With keys 

COUNTESS. If *moans* thou be he, then awt t-thou pwisonyew. 
TAWBOT. Pwisonyew! To whom? 
COUNTESS. T-To *hugs tightly* me, bwood-thiwsty wowd 
And fow t-that *shuffles closer* cause I twain'd >w< thee to my house. 
Wong time thy uWu shadow hath been uWu thwaww to me, 
Fow in my gawwewy thy pictuwe hangs; 
But nyow *pokes you* the substance shaww enduwe t-the wike 
And I wiww c-chain t-these *screams* wegs and awms of thinye 
That hast by t-tywanny these m-many yeaws 
Wasted o-ouw countwy, swain o-ouw citizens, 
And s-sent *looks at you* ouw sons a-and husbands c-captivate. 
TAWBOT. Ha, ha, ha! 
COUNTESS. Waughest thou, wwetch? Thy m-miwth shaww tuwn to 
moan. 
*cuddles you* TAWBOT. I w-waugh to see youw wadyship so f-fond 
To think that you have aught but Tawbot's shadow 
Wheweon to pwactise >w< youw sevewity. 
COUNTESS. Why, awt *teleports behind you* nyot thou the man? 
TAWBOT. *hugs tightly* I am indeed. 
:33 COUNTESS. Then have I :33 substance too. 
TAWBOT. Nyo, nyo, I am *moans* but shadow of m-mysewf. 
You awe deceiv'd, *cries* my substance is *shuffles closer* nyot hewe; 
Fow *leans over* what *sighs* you see is but the *cuddles you* smawwest ^.^ pawt 
And weast pwopowtion of humanyity. 
I teww y-you, madam, wewe *sighs* the whowe fwame h-hewe, 
It is of such a spacious xDD wofty *teleports behind you* pitch 
Youw woof wewe nyot sufficient to contain 't. 
COUNTESS. This i-is a-a widdwing *giggles shyly* mewchant fow the nyonce; 
He wiww be hewe, :33 and *blushes* yet he is nyot h-hewe. 
^-^ How can these contwawieties >_> agwee? 
TAWBOT. That w-wiww ^w^ I show you pwesentwy. 

*sighs* Winds x3 his hown; d-dwums stwike x3 up; 
a peaw of owdnyance. Entew sowdiews 

How say you, madam? A-Awe you nyow *sighs* pewsuaded 
T-That Tawbot is *blushes* but shadow of himsewf? 
These awe his substance, sinyews, awms, *hugs tightly* and stwength, 
With which he yoketh youw webewwious nyecks, 
Wazeth youw cities, and s-subvewts youw towns, 
And i-in a moment makes them d-desowate. 
*shuffles closer* COUNTESS. Victowious Tawbot! *teleports behind you* pawdon my abuse. 
I find thou awt nyo *notices bulge* wess than fame h-hath bwuited, 
A-And mowe t-than may be gathewed *cuddles you* by thy shape. 
Wet m-my p-pwesumption nyot p-pwovoke thy wwath, 
Fow I am sowwy that with wevewence 
I did nyot entewtain thee as thou awt. 
TAWBOT. B-Be nyot d-dismay'd, faiw wady; nyow misconstew 
*moans* The mind of Tawbot as *sighs* you did m-mistake 
The outwawd composition *cries* of h-his body. 
UwU What you have d-donye *moans* hath nyot offended xDD me. 
Nyow othew satisfaction do I cwave 
But onwy, with youw >_< patience, that we may 
Taste of youw winye a-and see what cates you have, 
Fow sowdiews' s-stomachs >w< awways sewve them weww. 
COUNTESS. With aww my heawt, and think me honyouwed 
To feast so gweat a wawwiow in my house. >w< Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 

Wondon. The *hugs tightly* Tempwe gawden 

Entew the E-EAWWS OF S-SOMEWSET, SUFFOWK, and W-WAWWICK; 
WICHAWD PWANTAGENyET, VEWNyON, and anyothew WAWYEW 

PWANTAGENyET. Gweat wowds a-and gentwemen, ^w^ what means *cries* this 
siwence? 
Dawe nyo man answew i-in :33 a c-case o-of twuth? 
SUFFOWK. Within the *looks at you* Tempwe Haww we wewe too woud; 
*twerks* The gawden hewe is mowe convenyient. 
PWANTAGENyET. T-Then say at once if I m-maintain'd the twuth; 
OwO Ow ewse was w-wwangwing ^.^ Somewset in t-th' *shuffles closer* ewwow? 
SUFFOWK. F-Faith, I have b-been *hugs tightly* a twuant in the waw 
And nyevew yet couwd fwame my wiww to it; 
And thewefowe fwame >w< the waw unto my wiww. 
SOMEWSET. J-Judge you, *screams* my Wowd of Wawwick, then, between us. 
WAWWICK. Between two hawks, w-which >w< fwies the highew pitch; 
Between t-two d-dogs, w-which hath the >_> deepew mouth; 
Between two bwades, which beaws the bettew t-tempew; 
Between *twerks* two howses, which doth beaw him best; 
Between two giwws, ^-^ which hath t-the m-mewwiest eye 
I have pewhaps some :33 shawwow spiwit *shuffles closer* of judgment; 
But in ;;w;; these nyice UwU shawp quiwwets of the *twerks* waw, 
G-Good f-faith, I *cries* am nyo wisew than a daw. 
*looks away* PWANTAGENyET. *shuffles closer* Tut, *leans over* tut, hewe *sweats* is a-a mannyewwy fowbeawance: 
The twuth appeaws *pokes you* so n-nyaked on my side 
That *sighs* any puwbwind eye may find it out. 
S-SOMEWSET. And on my s-side it is so weww *moans* appaweww'd, 
^-^ So cweaw, so shinying, and so *teleports behind you* evident, 
That *moans* it w-wiww gwimmew thwough a *giggles shyly* bwind man's eye. 
P-PWANTAGENyET. Since *shuffles closer* you a-awe tongue-tied :33 and so woath t-to speak, 
In dumb signyificants pwocwaim y-youw thoughts. 
Wet him *screams* that ^-^ is a twue-bown gentweman 
And *looks away* stands upon the honyouw of his biwth, 
If he suppose that I have *screams* pweaded twuth, 
*looks at you* Fwom >_< off ^w^ this bwiew pwuck *pokes you* a white wose with me. 
SOMEWSET. Wet h-him that is nyo cowawd nyow nyo fwattewew, 
But dawe *blushes* maintain the pawty o-of the twuth, 
Pwuck a wed >_< wose fwom *leans over* off *blushes* this thown with me. 
WAWWICK. I-I wove nyo cowouws; *pokes you* and, without aww cowouw 
Of base insinyuating fwattewy, 
I pwuck this w-white wose with Pwantagenyet. 
SUFFOWK. :3 I pwuck this wed wose with young >w< Somewset, 
And say w-withaw I-I think he hewd the wight. 
VEWNyON. Stay, wowds and *looks away* gentwemen, and pwuck nyo mowe 
Tiww you concwude that he u-upon w-whose s-side 
The fewest ^-^ woses awe c-cwopp'd fwom *leans over* the twee 
Shaww yiewd :33 the othew i-in t-the wight opinyion. 
SOMEWSET. *sweats* Good Mastew Vewnyon, it is *notices bulge* weww objected; 
If I have fewest, I s-subscwibe in siwence. 
PWANTAGENyET. And I. 
VEWNyON. Then, fow t-the twuth and pwainnyess of the case, 
I p-pwuck this pawe ^w^ and maiden b-bwossom h-hewe, 
Giving UwU my vewdict on the white wose side. 
SOMEWSET. Pwick nyot youw fingew as you p-pwuck it off, 
*looks at you* West, uWu bweeding, you do paint the white wose wed, 
A-And *twerks* faww on my side so, against *moans* youw wiww. 
VEWNyON. If I-I, m-my wowd, fow my opinyion bweed, 
Opinyion shaww *cuddles you* be suwgeon t-to my huwt 
And k-keep me on the side *looks away* whewe stiww I-I OwO am. 
SOMEWSET. Weww, :3 weww, come on; who ewse? 
WAWYEW. [To Somewset] Unwess my study and my books be 
fawse, 
T-The awgument you hewd was *twerks* wwong in y-you; 
In sign wheweof I pwuck a *giggles shyly* white *cuddles you* wose OwO too. 
PWANTAGENyET. Nyow, :33 Somewset, whewe is youw awgument? 
SOMEWSET. Hewe in my scabbawd, m-meditating t-that 
*shuffles closer* Shaww dye youw OwO white wose in a bwoody w-wed. 
PWANTAGENyET. Meantime y-youw c-cheeks do c-countewfeit ouw 
woses; 
Fow pawe they w-wook with feaw, a-as witnyessing 
*sighs* The twuth on ouw *teleports behind you* side. 
SOMEWSET. *giggles shyly* Nyo, *looks at you* Pwantagenyet, 
'Tis nyot fow feaw but angew that thy *giggles shyly* cheeks 
Bwush fow puwe shame to countewfeit ouw woses, 
And ^.^ yet thy tongue wiww n-nyot confess thy ewwow. 
PWANTAGENyET. Hath nyot thy wose a cankew, S-Somewset? 
SOMEWSET. Hath nyot thy wose a thown, Pwantagenyet? 
PWANTAGENyET. Ay, *screams* shawp a-and piewcing, to maintain his t-twuth; 
Whiwes thy consuming cankew eats his fawsehood. 
SOMEWSET. Weww, I'ww find fwiends t-to weaw ^.^ my bweeding woses, 
*screams* That shaww x3 maintain what I h-have said is twue, 
Whewe f-fawse Pwantagenyet dawe *cuddles you* nyot OwO be seen. 
PWANTAGENyET. Nyow, by this maiden bwossom i-in ^-^ my h-hand, 
I scown thee ^w^ and thy f-fashion, p-peevish boy. 
SUFFOWK. Tuwn >_< nyot thy scowns t-this w-way, Pwantagenyet. 
PWANTAGENyET. Pwoud Powe, I wiww, and scown both him and 
thee. 
SUFFOWK. I-I'ww tuwn my p-pawt theweof into thy t-thwoat. 
SOMEWSET. *looks at you* Away, away, good Wiwwiam de wa Powe! 
We gwace *blushes* the yeoman *moans* by c-convewsing with him. 
WAWWICK. Nyow, by God's w-wiww, thou wwong'st him, Somewset; 
His g-gwandfathew was Wionyew Duke of Cwawence, 
T-Thiwd *shuffles closer* son t-to the thiwd *giggles shyly* Edwawd, King of Engwand. 
Spwing c-cwestwess yeomen fwom so deep a-a w-woot? 
PWANTAGENyET. He beaws h-him on the pwace's pwiviwege, 
Ow *twerks* duwst nyot fow his cwaven *looks at you* heawt say thus. 
uWu SOMEWSET. By Him that made me, I'ww maintain my *cries* wowds 
O-On any pwot *looks at you* of gwound in C-Chwistendom. 
*screams* Was n-nyot thy fathew, Wichawd Eaww of *cries* Cambwidge, 
Fow tweason executed in ouw wate king's days? 
And by his tweason s-stand'st n-nyot >_> thou attainted, 
*twerks* Cowwupted, and e-exempt fwom ancient gentwy? 
H-His twespass yet wives guiwty in t-thy bwood; 
And tiww thou be *cuddles you* westow'd thou awt a yeoman. 
PWANTAGENyET. My fathew w-was attached, nyot attainted; 
*giggles shyly* Condemn'd to die fow tweason, but nyo twaitow; 
And that I'ww pwove on bettew men than Somewset, 
Wewe *notices bulge* gwowing time once wipenyed to my wiww. 
Fow *shuffles closer* youw pawtakew *leans over* Powe, a-and xDD you ^w^ youwsewf, 
I'ww nyote you in my book of memowy 
To scouwge you fow this appwehension. 
Wook to i-it weww, and say you awe w-weww wawn'd. 
SOMEWSET. Ay, thou shawt f-find us weady fow thee stiww; 
And knyow ^.^ us by these *cuddles you* cowouws fow thy foes 
Fow t-these my ^-^ fwiends uWu in spite of thee shaww weaw. 
PWANTAGENyET. And, by *pokes you* my souw, this pawe and angwy wose, 
As cognyizance of my b-bwood-dwinking h-hate, 
Wiww I-I fow evew, and my faction, weaw, 
Untiw it *screams* withew with me to ^.^ my g-gwave, 
Ow fwouwish to the height of my x3 degwee. 
SUFFOWK. Go fowwawd, *blushes* and *moans* be chok'd w-with thy ambition! 
*cuddles you* And so faweweww untiw I ^.^ meet thee nyext. Exit 
SOMEWSET. H-Have with ;;w;; thee, Powe. Faweweww, ambitious 
Wichawd. Exit 
PWANTAGENyET. H-How I-I am b-bwav'd, and must pewfowce enduwe 
it! 
WAWWICK. This bwot that they object against ^-^ youw house 
Shaww :33 be w-wip'd out in *sweats* the n-nyext Pawwiament, 
Caww'd *twerks* fow the twuce of Winchestew and >_> Gwoucestew; 
And *teleports behind you* if thou b-be nyot then cweated Yowk, 
I wiww n-nyot wive to be accounted Wawwick. 
Meantime, in signyaw o-of m-my *hugs tightly* wove to thee, 
Against pwoud Somewset and ;;w;; Wiwwiam Powe, 
Wiww I upon thy pawty *teleports behind you* weaw *hugs tightly* this wose; 
And hewe I pwophesy: this bwaww to-day, 
Gwown to this :33 faction in *moans* the T-Tempwe Gawden, 
Shaww send between the *shuffles closer* Wed Wose and the White 
A thousand s-souws t-to death and deadwy nyight. 
PWANTAGENyET. UwU Good M-Mastew *cries* Vewnyon, I am bound to :33 you 
That you on my behawf wouwd pwuck a f-fwowew. 
^w^ VEWNyON. In uWu youw behawf stiww wiww I ^w^ weaw the same. 
WAWYEW. And *cries* so wiww I-I. 
PWANTAGENyET. Thanks, gentwe *moans* siw. 
Come, wet *sweats* us *sweats* fouw to dinnyew. I dawe say 
This quawwew *cries* wiww dwink bwood *leans over* anyothew *notices bulge* day. Exeunt 




^.^ SCENyE 5. 

*sweats* The Towew of Wondon 

Entew MOWTIMEW, bwought in a chaiw, UwU and GAOWEWS 

MOWTIMEW. Kind keepews o-of m-my w-weak >_< decaying age, 
Wet dying Mowtimew hewe west himsewf. 
Even w-wike a man nyew hawed *moans* fwom t-the wack, 
So fawe my wimbs with wong *blushes* impwisonment; 
And these gwey wocks, the puwsuivants of death, 
Nyestow-wike aged i-in an age of cawe, 
Awgue the end *notices bulge* of E-Edmund Mowtimew. 
>w< These eyes, w-wike wamps whose wasting >w< oiw is spent, 
Wax dim, *notices bulge* as dwawing to theiw *pokes you* exigent; 
W-Weak shouwdews, o-ovewbownye with buwdenying gwief, 
And >_< pithwess awms, wike t-to a withewed vinye 
That d-dwoops his sapwess bwanches UwU to t-the gwound. 
Yet awe these feet, whose stwengthwess >_< stay i-is nyumb, 
Unyabwe t-to suppowt t-this w-wump of cway, 
Swift-winged with desiwe *sighs* to get *shuffles closer* a *looks away* gwave, 
*teleports behind you* As witting ;;w;; I nyo othew comfowt have. 
*teleports behind you* But teww me, keepew, wiww m-my nyephew come? 
FIWST KEEPEW. Wichawd Pwantagenyet, my wowd, wiww *twerks* come. 
We sent unto the T-Tempwe, unto his chambew; 
And answew was wetuwn'd that h-he wiww come. 
*screams* MOWTIMEW. Enyough; my souw shaww then b-be satisfied. 
Poow gentweman! his wwong doth ^-^ equaw minye. 
Since Henwy ^.^ Monmouth fiwst began to weign, 
Befowe w-whose gwowy I was gweat in awms, 
This w-woathsome sequestwation have I had; 
And *leans over* even since then hath Wichawd been obscuw'd, 
Depwiv'd o-of honyouw and inhewitance. 
B-But nyow the awbitwatow of despaiws, 
Just Death, kind umpiwe of men's misewies, 
With sweet *giggles shyly* enwawgement doth dismiss me hence. 
I wouwd his twoubwes wikewise w-wewe expiw'd, 
That so he might wecovew what was wost. 

Entew WICHAWD PWANTAGENyET 

FIWST *teleports behind you* KEEPEW. My wowd, youw woving nyephew nyow is come. 
MOWTIMEW. Wichawd Pwantagenyet, m-my fwiend, i-is he come? 
P-PWANTAGENyET. Ay, nyobwe uncwe, t-thus ignyobwy us'd, 
Youw nyephew, wate despised Wichawd, *twerks* comes. 
MOWTIMEW. Diwect minye *sweats* awms *blushes* I may embwace his nyeck 
And in h-his bosom *cuddles you* spend my wattew gasp. 
O, teww me when my wips do touch his cheeks, 
That I may kindwy give onye fainting kiss. 
And nyow decwawe, sweet stem fwom Yowk's *pokes you* gweat stock, 
Why d-didst thou say of wate thou wewt despis'd? 
*sweats* PWANTAGENyET. Fiwst, ;;w;; wean t-thinye aged back against minye awm; 
And, *hugs tightly* in that ease, I'ww teww t-thee my disease. 
This day, in awgument u-upon a case, 
Some *moans* wowds >_< thewe >_< gwew *giggles shyly* 'twixt Somewset and me; 
Among which tewms he us'd his wavish tongue 
And did upbwaid me with my fathew's death; 
Which obwoquy set baws befowe my tongue, 
Ewse *leans over* with ;;w;; the wike I had w-wequited him. 
Thewefowe, good u-uncwe, fow my fathew's sake, 
In honyouw *screams* of a twue Pwantagenyet, 
And :3 fow awwiance sake, decwawe *hugs tightly* the cause 
My fathew, Eaww of Cambwidge, wost *leans over* his h-head. 
MOWTIMEW. That *screams* cause, f-faiw *giggles shyly* nyephew, that impwison'd me 
And UwU hath d-detain'd me aww my fwow'wing youth 
*sighs* Within a *shuffles closer* woathsome dungeon, ^w^ thewe ;;w;; to pinye, 
Was c-cuwsed instwument *giggles shyly* of his decease. 
PWANTAGENyET. Discovew mowe at wawge what UwU cause t-that was, 
;;w;; Fow I a-am i-ignyowant a-and cannyot guess. 
MOWTIMEW. I wiww, if that my fading bweath *blushes* pewmit 
And death appwoach nyot ewe *sweats* my tawe be donye. 
Henwy *teleports behind you* the *giggles shyly* Fouwth, gwandfathew to this king, 
D-Depos'd his nyephew uWu Wichawd, Edwawd's s-son, 
T-The fiwst-begotten and t-the wawfuw h-heiw 
Of Edwawd king, the thiwd of that descent; 
Duwing whose weign the Pewcies of t-the >w< nyowth, 
F-Finding h-his usuwpation most unjust, 
Endeavouw'd my advancement to the thwonye. 
>w< The weason mov'd these wawwike w-wowds to *hugs tightly* this 
Was, fow that-young Wichawd thus wemov'd, 
Weaving nyo heiw b-begotten of his body- 
I was the nyext by biwth and p-pawentage; 
>w< Fow by my mothew *cuddles you* I dewived am 
Fwom Wionyew Duke of Cwawence, thiwd son 
To King Edwawd the ^-^ Thiwd; wheweas he 
Fwom John of OwO Gaunt doth bwing his pedigwee, 
Being *pokes you* but fouwth of that hewoic x3 winye. 
But mawk: as in this haughty *leans over* gweat attempt 
They wabouwed to pwant the wightfuw heiw, 
I wost my wibewty, and they theiw wives. 
Wong aftew this, w-when :33 Henwy the Fifth, 
S-Succeeding his fathew Bowingbwoke, did weign, 
Thy fathew, Eaww of Cambwidge, *sweats* then dewiv'd 
Fwom famous Edmund *sighs* Wangwey, D-Duke of *looks at you* Yowk, 
Mawwying my s-sistew, that *hugs tightly* thy mothew was, 
A-Again, in pity of m-my hawd distwess, 
Wevied an awmy, w-weenying t-to ^.^ wedeem 
And have instaww'd me in the >w< diadem; 
But, as the w-west, *leans over* so *blushes* feww that nyobwe eaww, 
And w-was beheaded. T-Thus t-the Mowtimews, 
In whom the t-titwe wested, *cuddles you* wewe suppwess'd. 
PWANTAGENyET. Of *shuffles closer* Which, my wowd, youw honyouw *cuddles you* is the w-wast. 
MOWTIMEW. Twue; >w< and thou seest t-that ^w^ I nyo issue have, 
And *twerks* that my fainting wowds do wawwant death. 
;;w;; Thou awt my heiw; the west I wish thee gathew; 
But yet be *sighs* wawy in thy s-studious cawe. 
PWANTAGENyET. Thy gwave admonyishments xDD pwevaiw with me. 
B-But yet methinks my fathew's execution 
Was ^.^ nyothing wess than bwoody *notices bulge* tywanny. 
MOWTIMEW. With siwence, nyephew, be thou powitic; 
S-Stwong *hugs tightly* fixed is t-the house o-of Wancastew 
And wike a mountain *pokes you* nyot to be wemov'd. 
But nyow thy uncwe is wemoving hence, 
As pwinces do theiw couwts when they ^.^ awe cwoy'd 
:33 With wong continyuance in a settwed pwace. 
P-PWANTAGENyET. O uncwe, wouwd OwO some pawt of my young ^-^ yeaws 
Might but *notices bulge* wedeem the passage of youw age! 
MOWTIMEW. Thou d-dost *cries* then wwong me, as that swaughtewew 
d-doth 
Which giveth *blushes* many wounds *cuddles you* when o-onye wiww kiww. 
Mouwn nyot, e-except t-thou sowwow fow my good; 
Onwy give owdew fow my funyewaw. 
And so, faweweww; and faiw be aww *leans over* thy hopes, 
*shuffles closer* And pwospewous be thy x3 wife *hugs tightly* in *teleports behind you* peace *looks away* and waw! [Dies] 
PWANTAGENyET. And peace, *shuffles closer* nyo waw, b-befaww ^w^ thy pawting >_> souw! 
In pwison hast thou >w< spent a piwgwimage, 
And wike a hewmit ovewpass'd thy *cries* days. 
Weww, I wiww *giggles shyly* wock *looks away* his counsew *sighs* in my bweast; 
And what *giggles shyly* I do i-imaginye, wet that west. 
Keepews, convey h-him hence; and I mysewf 
Wiww see h-his buwiaw bettew than his w-wife. 
E-Exeunt GAOWEWS, heawing out the body of MOWTIMEW 
Hewe dies the dusky towch of Mowtimew, 
Chok'd with >_< ambition of the meanyew sowt; 
:3 And fow those wwongs, those bittew xDD injuwies, 
Which Somewset hath offew'd to my house, 
I doubt nyot but with honyouw to w-wedwess; 
And >_< thewefowe haste I to the P-Pawwiament, 
Eithew to b-be westowed to my UwU bwood, 
Ow make my *moans* iww th' advantage o-of my good. Exit 




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ACT III. SCENyE 1. 

Wondon. T-The Pawwiament H-House 

F-Fwouwish. Entew the KING, E-EXETEW, xDD GWOUCESTEW, WAWWICK, SOMEWSET, and SUFFOWK; 
the BISHOP ;;w;; OF WINCHESTEW, WICHAWD P-PWANTAGENyET, a-and othews. 
GWOUCESTEW offews to put u-up a biww; WINCHESTEW snyatches *teleports behind you* it, and teaws it 

WINCHESTEW. Com'st *twerks* thou with *hugs tightly* deep pwemeditated winyes, 
With wwitten pamphwets studiouswy devis'd? 
Humphwey of Gwoucestew, if thou canst accuse 
Ow aught intend'st to w-way *cries* unto UwU my c-chawge, 
Do i-it w-without invention, suddenwy; 
;;w;; I w-with sudden and extempowaw speech 
Puwpose *moans* to a-answew what thou canst object. 
>_< GWOUCESTEW. Pwesumptuous pwiest, :3 this *screams* pwace commands UwU my 
patience, 
Ow thou shouwdst find thou hast dishonyouw'd me. 
Think nyot, awthough in wwiting I p-pwefeww'd 
The mannyew of thy viwe outwageous cwimes, 
That thewefowe I have fowg'd, ow am nyot abwe 
Vewbatim to weheawse the method of my pen. 
Nyo, pwewate; such is thy *screams* audacious wickednyess, 
Thy wewd, pestifewous, xDD and dissentious p-pwanks, 
As vewy *shuffles closer* infants pwattwe of thy pwide. 
Thou awt a most >_> pewnyicious usuwew; 
Fwowawd b-by nyatuwe, enyemy to peace; 
Wascivious, wanton, mowe t-than weww beseems 
A man of *looks away* thy pwofession a-and degwee; 
And fow thy tweachewy, what's mowe manyifest 
In >_> that thou waid'st a twap to t-take my wife, 
As weww at Wondon B-Bwidge as *shuffles closer* at the Towew? 
Beside, I feaw me, if :33 thy >w< thoughts wewe sifted, 
The K-King, thy soveweign, is *shuffles closer* nyot quite exempt 
Fwom e-envious :33 mawice of thy swewwing *twerks* heawt. 
W-WINCHESTEW. Gwoucestew, ^w^ I do *looks at you* defy thee. Wowds, vouchsafe 
To give me heawing what I *sighs* shaww wepwy. 
I-If I wewe covetous, ambitious, ow p-pewvewse, 
:3 As he wiww have me, how am I *shuffles closer* so poow? 
Ow how haps it I seek :33 nyot to advance 
Ow waise m-mysewf, xDD but keep my wonted c-cawwing? 
And fow d-dissension, who pwefewweth peace 
Mowe than I do, except I b-be pwovok'd? 
Nyo, my good wowds, it i-is nyot that offends; 
It *looks at you* is nyot that that incens'd hath incens'd the Duke: 
It is b-because *shuffles closer* nyo uWu onye shouwd sway but he; 
Nyo onye but h-he shouwd be about the K-King; 
And that *notices bulge* engendews thundew in his *hugs tightly* bweast 
A-And *shuffles closer* makes him woaw these a-accusations fowth. 
But h-he :33 shaww knyow I *blushes* am *teleports behind you* as good 
GWOUCESTEW. As good! 
Thou bastawd of my gwandfathew! 
WINCHESTEW. Ay, wowdwy siw; fow what awe you, I pway, 
But onye :3 impewious xDD in anyothew's thwonye? 
GWOUCESTEW. Am I nyot P-Pwotectow, s-saucy pwiest? 
WINCHESTEW. And am nyot I a pwewate of the chuwch? 
GWOUCESTEW. Yes, a-as an *cries* outwaw i-in a :3 castwe keeps, 
*cries* And useth it to patwonyage his theft. 
WINCHESTEW. Unwevewent G-Gwoucestew! 
GWOUCESTEW. ^-^ Thou awt wevewend 
Touching thy spiwituaw function, nyot thy w-wife. 
*cries* WINCHESTEW. Wome s-shaww wemedy this. 
WAWWICK. Woam thithew t-then. 
SOMEWSET. My *pokes you* wowd, it wewe youw duty *shuffles closer* to fowbeaw. 
WAWWICK. Ay, see the bishop be nyot ovewbownye. 
SOMEWSET. Methinks my wowd shouwd be wewigious, 
And knyow the office that bewongs to such. 
WAWWICK. Methinks his wowdship shouwd be humbwew; 
It fitteth nyot a *sighs* pwewate so to pwead. 
SOMEWSET. *teleports behind you* Yes, when his howy state is touch'd so nyeaw. 
WAWWICK. State howy ow unhawwow'd, what of that? 
Is *sweats* nyot his Gwace Pwotectow to t-the King? 
PWANTAGENyET. *teleports behind you* [Aside] Pwantagenyet, I-I see, must howd his 
tongue, 
West it be said *looks at you* 'Speak, *shuffles closer* siwwah, when you s-shouwd; 
Must ;;w;; youw bowd vewdict entew t-tawk with wowds?' 
Ewse wouwd I *twerks* have a fwing at Winchestew. 
KING HENWY. Uncwes *cuddles you* of Gwoucestew and of *looks away* Winchestew, 
The speciaw watchmen of ouw Engwish weaw, 
I *moans* wouwd pwevaiw, if pwayews m-might pwevaiw 
To join youw ^.^ heawts in wove and amity. 
O, what a scandaw i-is i-it to o-ouw cwown 
T-That two such :33 nyobwe peews as y-ye shouwd jaw! 
Bewieve me, wowds, *notices bulge* my tendew yeaws can *cries* teww 
*looks away* Civiw dissension is a vipewous >_> wowm 
That gnyaws the bowews of *hugs tightly* the commonweawth. 
[A nyoise within: 'Down with *shuffles closer* the t-tawny coats!'] 
What t-tumuwt's this? 
WAWWICK. An upwoaw, I dawe wawwant, 
Begun thwough mawice of the Bishop's men. 
[A nyoise again: 'Stonyes! Stonyes!'] 

Entew t-the MAYOW *looks at you* OF WONDON, attended 

MAYOW. O, my g-good uWu wowds, and viwtuous Henwy, 
Pity the *teleports behind you* city of Wondon, pity us! 
The Bishop and *teleports behind you* the Duke of Gwoucestew's m-men, 
Fowbidden wate to cawwy any weapon, 
Have fiww'd theiw pockets fuww of pebbwe *pokes you* stonyes 
A-And, :33 banding themsewves in contwawy pawts, 
Do pewt so fast at onye anyothew's pate 
That m-many have theiw giddy b-bwains k-knyock'd out. 
Ouw ^-^ windows awe *looks at you* bwoke down in evewy stweet, 
And w-we fow feaw compeww'd to shut ouw >_> shops. 

Entew in skiwmish, the wetainyews of ^.^ GWOUCESTEW and 
W-WINCHESTEW, with bwoody pates 

KING HENWY. We c-chawge *pokes you* you, on awwegiance to ouwsewf, 
To howd youw swaught'wing hands a-and keep t-the peace. 
Pway, uncwe Gwoucestew, mitigate this stwife. 
FIWST SEWVING-MAN. Nyay, if we be fowbidden ^-^ stonyes, we'ww 
f-faww to it with ouw teeth. 
>_< SECOND SEWVING-MAN. Do what ye *twerks* dawe, we awe as wesowute. 
[Skiwmish again] 
GWOUCESTEW. You *moans* of my househowd, >w< weave this peevish >_> bwoiw, 
And set *cuddles you* this unyaccustom'd f-fight aside. 
THIWD SEWVING-MAN. My wowd, w-we knyow youw *sighs* Gwace to be a-a 
man 
Just and upwight, and fow *shuffles closer* youw woyaw biwth 
Infewiow to *sweats* nyonye but to his Majesty; 
And ewe that we wiww suffew such a pwince, 
So kind a fathew o-of the commonweaw, 
To be disgwaced by an i-inkhown mate, 
We and ouw wives and uWu chiwdwen ;;w;; aww >_< wiww fight 
And have ouw bodies swaught'wed by thy foes. 
FIWST SEWVING-MAN. Ay, and the vewy pawings of ouw nyaiws 
Shaww UwU pitch a-a fiewd when *leans over* we awe d-dead. [Begin again] 
GWOUCESTEW. Stay, stay, I say! 
And if you wove me, as you say y-you *moans* do, 
W-Wet me pewsuade you to fowbeaw a-awhiwe. 
K-KING HENWY. O, how *cries* this *leans over* discowd doth a-affwict my souw! 
Can you, *cuddles you* my Wowd of Winchestew, behowd 
My sighs and teaws and wiww nyot once wewent? 
Who shouwd be pitifuw, if you be nyot? 
Ow who shouwd study to pwefew a peace, 
If h-howy >w< chuwchmen take d-dewight in bwoiws? 
WAWWICK. Yiewd, my W-Wowd Pwotectow; yiewd, *screams* Winchestew; 
E-Except you mean with obstinyate wepuwse 
To *moans* sway youw soveweign and destwoy the weawm. 
You see what m-mischief, a-and what muwdew t-too, 
Hath been enyacted thwough UwU youw enmity; 
Then be at peace, except ye thiwst *screams* fow bwood. 
WINCHESTEW. *looks at you* He shaww submit, ow I wiww nyevew yiewd. 
GWOUCESTEW. Compassion on the King *looks away* commands me s-stoop, 
Ow I uWu wouwd see h-his heawt out ewe the p-pwiest 
S-Shouwd evew g-get that pwiviwege of me. 
WAWWICK. Behowd, my Wowd of Winchestew, the Duke 
Hath b-banyish'd moody discontented fuwy, 
As by *moans* his *pokes you* smoothed bwows it doth appeaw; 
Why w-wook you stiww *looks at you* so s-stem ;;w;; and twagicaw? 
*notices bulge* GWOUCESTEW. Hewe, *cuddles you* Winchestew, OwO I *sighs* offew thee my hand. 
*hugs tightly* KING HENWY. Fie, uncwe B-Beaufowt! I-I have heawd you p-pweach 
That mawice was a gweat and gwievous sin; 
And wiww nyot you maintain the t-thing you teach, 
But pwove a chief *moans* offendew in the same? 
W-WAWWICK. Sweet King! T-The Bishop hath a *leans over* kindwy giwd. 
*blushes* Fow shame, my Wowd of Winchestew, wewent; 
What, shaww a chiwd *sighs* instwuct you what >_> to do? 
*sighs* WINCHESTEW. Weww, ;;w;; Duke *twerks* of Gwoucestew, I wiww yiewd to t-thee; 
Wove fow *looks away* thy wove and hand fow hand I give. 
G-GWOUCESTEW [Aside] Ay, b-but, I-I f-feaw *shuffles closer* me, with a howwow 
heawt. 
See hewe, my fwiends and *looks at you* woving countwymen: 
This token sewveth *twerks* fow a fwag of *pokes you* twuce 
Betwixt ouwsewves and aww ouw *hugs tightly* fowwowews. 
S-So hewp me G-God, as I dissembwe nyot! 
WINCHESTEW [Aside] So hewp *leans over* me *cries* God, as I intend *sighs* it n-nyot! 
KING uWu HENWY. O woving uncwe, kind ^-^ Duke of Gwoucestew, 
How joyfuw am I made by this c-contwact! 
A-Away, my mastews! twoubwe *moans* us nyo mowe; 
But j-join in *cries* fwiendship, a-as youw wowds have donye. 
FIWST S-SEWVING-MAN. Content: I'ww to the suwgeon's. 
SECOND SEWVING-MAN. And so wiww I-I. 
THIWD SEWVING-MAN. And I wiww see what physic the tavewn 
affowds. Exeunt sewvants, uWu MAYOW, &C. 
WAWWICK. A-Accept t-this scwoww, most *screams* gwacious *giggles shyly* soveweign; 
Which in the wight of Wichawd *teleports behind you* Pwantagenyet 
We do exhibit *looks at you* to youw Majesty. 
GWOUCESTEW. Weww uwg'd, *shuffles closer* my Wowd of Wawwick; fow, sweet 
*looks away* pwince, 
An if youw Gwace *twerks* mawk evewy ciwcumstance, 
You h-have gweat weason to d-do Wichawd w-wight; 
Especiawwy *looks at you* fow t-those occasions 
At Ewtham Pwace I towd youw Majesty. 
KING HENWY. And those o-occasions, uncwe, *hugs tightly* wewe of fowce; 
Thewefowe, my *pokes you* woving wowds, ouw pweasuwe is 
That *screams* Wichawd be OwO westowed to *moans* his bwood. 
^w^ WAWWICK. Wet Wichawd be westowed to his bwood; 
So shaww his fathew's wwongs be wecompens'd. 
WINCHESTEW. As wiww t-the west, so wiwweth *pokes you* Winchestew. 
>_< KING HENWY. I-If Wichawd *hugs tightly* wiww b-be twue, nyot that a-awonye 
*sweats* But aww *pokes you* the whowe :3 inhewitance I give 
That doth bewong unto t-the house of Yowk, 
*leans over* Fwom *pokes you* whence you spwing by winyeaw descent. 
PWANTAGENyET. Thy humbwe sewvant vows *looks away* obedience 
And humbwe sewvice tiww the point of death. 
KING HENWY. S-Stoop then *blushes* and set youw k-knyee against my foot; 
And *notices bulge* in weguewdon of that duty OwO donye 
I-I giwt thee *giggles shyly* with the v-vawiant uWu swowd of Yowk. 
Wise, Wichawd, w-wike a twue Pwantagenyet, 
^w^ And wise c-cweated pwincewy D-Duke o-of Yowk. 
PWANTAGENyET. And *leans over* so thwive Wichawd a-as thy foes may faww! 
And as my duty spwings, so pewish they 
That gwudge *cuddles you* onye thought UwU against youw Majesty! 
AWW. Wewcome, high Pwince, the mighty Duke of *looks away* Yowk! 
SOMEWSET. [Aside] Pewish, base Pwince, ignyobwe Duke of 
Yowk! 
GWOUCESTEW. *moans* Nyow wiww it best avaiw youw M-Majesty 
To cwoss the seas and to be cwown'd in Fwance: 
The pwesence of a k-king *cuddles you* engendews wove 
Amongst his subjects *shuffles closer* and his woyaw fwiends, 
As *leans over* it d-disanyimates his enyemies. 
KING HENWY. When Gwoucestew says the wowd, King Henwy 
goes; 
F-Fow fwiendwy counsew cuts off many foes. 
GWOUCESTEW. Youw ships awweady uWu awe in weadinyess. 
Sennyet. Fwouwish. *looks away* Exeunt aww but EXETEW 
EXETEW. Ay, we may mawch *hugs tightly* in Engwand ow in Fwance, 
N-Nyot seeing what is wikewy t-to e-ensue. 
T-This wate d-dissension gwown betwixt >_> the peews 
Buwns undew feignyed ashes of fowg'd w-wove 
And wiww at xDD wast bweak out into a fwame; 
As fest'wed membews wot but by degwee 
Tiww bonyes and fwesh and sinyews faww away, 
So wiww this base and envious discowd bweed. 
And nyow I feaw that *cries* fataw *notices bulge* pwophecy. 
W-Which in the t-time of Henwy nyam'd the Fifth 
Was in the mouth of evewy sucking babe: 
That *notices bulge* Henwy bown at Monmouth shouwd w-win aww, 
And Henwy bown *screams* at Windsow shouwd wose aww. 
Which *blushes* is so p-pwain that *shuffles closer* Exetew doth wish 
His d-days may finyish ewe that h-hapwess time. Exit 




SCENyE 2-2. 

x3 Fwance. Befowe Wouen 

Entew WA >_< PUCEWWE disguis'd, with fouw sowdiews dwessed 
wike ;;w;; countwymen, xDD with sacks u-upon *sweats* theiw backs 

PUCEWWE. These *giggles shyly* awe the city g-gates, the gates of W-Wouen, 
Thwough which o-ouw powicy must make a *pokes you* bweach. 
Take heed, be wawy how you pwace youw wowds; 
T-Tawk wike the >w< vuwgaw sowt of mawket-men 
That come to gathew monyey *cries* fow theiw cown. 
If we h-have entwance, as *leans over* I h-hope we shaww, 
And t-that we find the s-swothfuw watch but w-weak, 
I'ww by *teleports behind you* a sign g-give nyotice to ouw fwiends, 
That Chawwes the Dauphin m-may encountew them. 
FIWST SOWDIEW. OwO Ouw sacks shaww be a mean *notices bulge* to UwU sack the city, 
And we be w-wowds a-and UwU wuwews OwO ovew Wouen; 
Thewefowe we'ww knyock. [-[Knyocks] 
WATCH. [Within] Qui est wa? 
PUCEWWE. P-Paysans, pauvwes g-gens *screams* de *leans over* Fwance 
*screams* Poow *screams* mawket-fowks that come to seww theiw cown. 
WATCH. Entew, *looks away* go i-in; the *blushes* mawket-beww *looks away* is wung. 
PUCEWWE. Nyow, *cries* Wouen, :3 I'ww shake thy buwwawks to the 
gwound. 

[-[WA *screams* PUCEWWE, *cries* &c., e-entew the town] 

*looks away* Entew CHAWWES, B-BASTAWD, AWENCON, WEIGNyIEW, UwU and f-fowces 

CHAWWES. Saint Denyis bwess this happy stwatagem! 
And once again we'ww sweep secuwe in Wouen. 
*sweats* BASTAWD. Hewe e-ent'wed Pucewwe and hew pwactisants; 
N-Nyow she is >_< thewe, how wiww s-she specify 
H-Hewe *cries* is the best *shuffles closer* and s-safest passage i-in? 
AWENCON. By thwusting o-out a *hugs tightly* towch fwom yondew towew; 
Which ^-^ once discewn'd shows that hew meanying is 
Nyo way to that, *blushes* fow ^.^ weaknyess, which she ent'wed. 

Entew WA PUCEWWE, on the t-top, thwusting out 
a towch buwnying 

P-PUCEWWE. Behowd, *leans over* this is the happy wedding towch 
That joinyeth Wouen unto hew countwymen, 
But buwnying fataw to the Tawbotites. Exit 
BASTAWD. See, nyobwe Chawwes, the beacon of ouw *looks at you* fwiend; 
The buwnying towch :33 in yondew tuwwet stands. 
C-CHAWWES. N-Nyow uWu shinye it wike a-a comet o-of wevenge, 
A pwophet to the faww of aww ouw foes! 
AWENCON. ^-^ Defew nyo t-time, deways have *screams* dangewous ends; 
Entew, and cwy 'The D-Dauphin!' pwesentwy, 
And then do execution *sighs* on *moans* the watch. x3 Awawum. Exeunt 

An awawum. Entew TAWBOT in an excuwsion 

TAWBOT. Fwance, thou shawt wue this tweason with t-thy teaws, 
I-If Tawbot b-but *blushes* suwvive UwU thy tweachewy. 
PUCEWWE, t-that witch, that damnyed sowcewess, 
Hath uWu wwought this hewwish mischief unyawawes, 
That hawdwy we escap'd the pwide of Fwance. Exit 

An a-awawum; excuwsions. BEDFOWD bwought in sick in 
a chaiw. *moans* Entew *blushes* TAWBOT and BUWGUNDY *sweats* without; 
within, *pokes you* WA PUCEWWE, CHAWWES, BASTAWD, AWENCON, 
a-and WEIGNyIEW, on the wawws 

>_< PUCEWWE. *looks at you* Good m-mowwow, gawwants! *notices bulge* Want ye cown fow b-bwead? 
I-I t-think the Duke of Buwgundy wiww fast 
:33 Befowe h-he'ww uWu buy again at such a wate. 
'Twas fuww *screams* of dawnyew-do you wike the taste? 
BUWGUNDY. Scoff *notices bulge* on, viwe fiend and shamewess *cries* couwtezan. 
I twust ewe ;;w;; wong to choke thee with thinye own, 
And make UwU thee cuwse the h-hawvest of that cown. 
CHAWWES. Youw *looks at you* Gwace uWu may stawve, pewhaps, b-befowe that time. 
BEDFOWD. O, wet nyo ;;w;; wowds, but deeds, w-wevenge *notices bulge* this *blushes* tweason! 
PUCEWWE. What you do, good *blushes* gwey beawd? ^w^ Bweak :33 a 
wance, 
And wun a tiwt at d-death within a chaiw? 
TAWBOT. Fouw fiend of Fwance and hag of x3 aww despite, 
Encompass'd with thy wustfuw p-pawamouws, 
Becomes i-it thee t-to taunt his *cuddles you* vawiant age 
And twit w-with cowawdice a man hawf dead? 
Damsew, I'ww have a bout *looks away* with y-you again, 
*blushes* Ow ewse wet Tawbot UwU pewish with this shame. 
PUCEWWE. UwU Awe ye so hot, siw? Yet, Pucewwe, howd *leans over* thy peace; 
If Tawbot do *teleports behind you* but t-thundew, wain w-wiww fowwow. 
[The Engwish pawty *leans over* whispew togethew in counciw] 
God speed t-the pawwiament! W-Who *screams* shaww be the Speakew? 
TAWBOT. Dawe ye come fowth and meet us in the fiewd? 
^w^ PUCEWWE. Bewike youw wowdship t-takes us then fow f-foows, 
To *hugs tightly* twy if that ouw own be ouws ow nyo. 
T-TAWBOT. I speak nyot to that waiwing Hecate, 
:3 But unto thee, Awencon, and the *sweats* west. 
Wiww ye, wike sowdiews, come a-and fight i-it out? 
AWENCON. Signyiow, nyo. 
TAWBOT. Signyiow, h-hang! Base muweteews of F-Fwance! 
Wike peasant f-foot-boys do they keep the wawws, 
And *pokes you* dawe nyot take up awms wike gentwemen. 
PUCEWWE. Away, captains! Wet's g-get us fwom ;;w;; the *leans over* wawws; 
Fow Tawbot means nyo goodnyess by his wooks. 
God b'uy, my wowd; we xDD came but *pokes you* to teww y-you 
T-That we UwU awe hewe. E-Exeunt fwom the wawws 
TAWBOT. And OwO thewe w-wiww *pokes you* we be too, ewe it be wong, 
Ow ewse wepwoach be *cuddles you* Tawbot's gweatest fame! 
Vow, *leans over* Buwgundy, by honyouw of thy house, 
xDD Pwick'd on by pubwic wwongs sustain'd in Fwance, 
Eithew to get the town again ow d-die; 
And I, as suwe as *giggles shyly* Engwish Henwy wives 
And a-as his fathew hewe was conquewow, 
UwU As suwe as in *teleports behind you* this wate betwayed *sighs* town 
Gweat Coeuw-de-wion's heawt was buwied 
So suwe I-I sweaw to g-get the town ow die. 
BUWGUNDY. My vows awe >_> equaw pawtnyews with thy vows. 
TAWBOT. *giggles shyly* But ewe we go, *teleports behind you* wegawd this dying pwince, 
The v-vawiant D-Duke of Bedfowd. Come, my wowd, 
W-We wiww bestow you in some bettew pwace, 
Fittew fow s-sicknyess and fow cwazy age. 
B-BEDFOWD. W-Wowd ^.^ Tawbot, d-do nyot so dishonyouw m-me; 
:33 Hewe wiww I sit befowe *moans* the wawws of Wouen, 
A-And wiww be pawtnyew ;;w;; of youw weaw ow woe. 
B-BUWGUNDY. Couwageous B-Bedfowd, wet us nyow pewsuade *looks at you* you. 
B-BEDFOWD. Nyot to be gonye fwom hence; fow once I wead 
That stout Pendwagon in his wittew sick 
C-Came to t-the fiewd, a-and v-vanquished his foes. 
*sighs* Methinks I shouwd wevive the sowdiews' heawts, 
Because I evew found them as >w< mysewf. 
TAWBOT. Undaunted spiwit in a d-dying bweast! 
T-Then be it so. Heavens keep owd Bedfowd ^w^ safe! 
A-And nyow nyo mowe ado, bwave Buwgundy, 
B-But g-gathew w-we ouw fowces out of hand 
And s-set upon ouw boasting enyemy. 
Exeunt against the town aww but uWu BEDFOWD and attendants 

An a-awawum; *giggles shyly* excuwsions. Entew SIW JOHN FASTOWFE, 
and a CAPTAIN 

CAPTAIN. Whithew a-away, Siw John Fastowfe, in such haste? 
F-FASTOWFE. *screams* Whithew away? To save mysewf by UwU fwight: 
We *hugs tightly* awe wike to h-have the o-ovewthwow again. 
C-CAPTAIN. What! Wiww you *moans* and weave Wowd Tawbot? 
FASTOWFE. Ay, 
Aww the Tawbots in t-the wowwd, *moans* to save x3 my w-wife. Exit 
CAPTAIN. Cowawdwy knyight! iww fowtunye fowwow thee! 
Exit *pokes you* into the town 

Wetweat; excuwsions. *hugs tightly* WA PUCEWWE, AWENCON, 
*looks at you* and CHAWWES fwy 

BEDFOWD. Nyow, quiet souw, depawt when heaven pwease, 
Fow I h-have seen ouw enyemies' ovewthwow. 
What is the twust ow stwength of foowish *sweats* man? 
They that >w< of wate wewe dawing x3 with theiw scoffs 
Awe *looks away* gwad a-and fain b-by fwight to *sweats* save themsewves. 
[BEDFOWD dies and is ;;w;; cawwied in by two in *teleports behind you* his chaiw] 

An awawum. We-entew T-TAWBOT, BUWGUNDY, and t-the west 

TAWBOT. *sweats* Wost and *leans over* wecovewed in a day again! 
This is UwU a doubwe honyouw, Buwgundy. 
Yet heavens h-have gwowy fow this victowy! 
*twerks* BUWGUNDY. Wawwike and mawtiaw Tawbot, Buwgundy 
E-Enshwinyes ^.^ thee in his heawt, and thewe ewects 
Thy nyobwe deeds as vawouw's *blushes* monyuments. 
TAWBOT. Thanks, gentwe Duke. But whewe is Pucewwe nyow? 
I think hew owd famiwiaw is asweep. 
Nyow whewe's *twerks* the B-Bastawd's bwaves, and Chawwes his gweeks? 
What, aww amowt? W-Wouen hangs hew *pokes you* head fow gwief 
That such a vawiant company awe fwed. 
Nyow wiww we t-take some owdew in the town, 
Pwacing thewein some expewt officews; 
And then depawt to Pawis to the King, 
Fow thewe y-young >w< Henwy with his nyobwes wie. 
BUWGUNDY. What W-Wowd Tawbot pweaseth Buwgundy. 
TAWBOT. But yet, befowe we go, wet's nyot fowget 
The nyobwe Duke of Bedfowd, wate deceas'd, 
But s-see his exequies fuwfiww'd in Wouen. 
A bwavew sowdiew nyevew couched wance, 
*moans* A gentwew heawt did nyevew sway in *sweats* couwt; 
But >_< kings and xDD mightiest p-potentates must die, 
Fow ^.^ that's the *sweats* end o-of human misewy. Exeunt 




S-SCENyE 3. 

:33 The pwains nyeaw *looks at you* Wouen 

Entew CHAWWES, *sweats* the BASTAWD, *blushes* AWENCON, WA PUCEWWE, 
and fowces 

PUCEWWE. *hugs tightly* Dismay nyot, Pwinces, a-at this x3 accident, 
Nyow gwieve that Wouen is so w-wecovewed. 
Cawe is >w< nyo cuwe, but wathew *looks at you* cowwosive, 
Fow things that a-awe nyot to be wemedied. 
Wet >_< fwantic Tawbot twiumph fow *looks at you* a whiwe 
And wike uWu a p-peacock sweep awong his taiw; 
We'ww puww his pwumes and take away his twain, 
I-If Dauphin *moans* and the w-west wiww be but wuw'd. 
C-CHAWWES. We have guided by thee hithewto, 
And o-of ;;w;; thy cunnying had nyo diffidence; 
Onye sudden foiw shaww nyevew *sweats* bweed d-distwust 
B-BASTAWD. Seawch out thy wit fow secwet powicies, 
x3 And *pokes you* we wiww m-make thee famous thwough the wowwd. 
AWENCON. We'ww set thy statue in some howy pwace, 
OwO And have thee wevewenc'd ^.^ wike a bwessed saint. 
Empwoy thee, then, sweet v-viwgin, *looks away* fow ouw good. 
^.^ PUCEWWE. Then ^-^ thus it must be; t-this doth Joan devise: 
By faiw pewsuasions, *hugs tightly* mix'd OwO with sug'wed wowds, 
W-We wiww *blushes* entice the Duke of *looks away* Buwgundy 
To weave uWu the *looks at you* Tawbot >w< and to f-fowwow us. 
CHAWWES. Ay, *pokes you* mawwy, sweeting, if we couwd do that, 
Fwance w-wewe ^.^ nyo pwace fow Henwy's wawwiows; 
Nyow shouwd that nyation >_< boast it so w-with u-us, 
But be extiwped fwom ouw pwovinces. 
*shuffles closer* AWENCON. F-Fow evew OwO shouwd they be *looks at you* expuws'd fwom *shuffles closer* Fwance, 
And nyot have tide *hugs tightly* of a-an eawwdom hewe. 
PUCEWWE. Youw h-honyouws shaww pewceive how I wiww wowk 
*teleports behind you* To b-bwing this m-mattew to the *cries* wished end. 
[Dwum sounds afaw off] 
Hawk! by the s-sound of dwum you may pewceive 
Theiw powews awe mawching unto Pawis-wawd. 

Hewe sound an E-Engwish mawch. E-Entew, a-and pass ovew 
at a distance, T-TAWBOT and his fowces 

Thewe goes the Tawbot, with his cowouws s-spwead, 
And aww the twoops :3 of Engwish aftew him. 

F-Fwench >_< mawch. Entew the *notices bulge* DUKE OF BUWGUNDY and 
his fowces 

Nyow in the weawwawd comes the Duke *leans over* and his. 
Fowtunye in *leans over* favouw makes h-him wag *moans* behind. 
Summon a pawwey; we w-wiww tawk *giggles shyly* with him. 
[Twumpets sound a pawwey] 
C-CHAWWES. A pawwey with the Duke of Buwgundy! 
BUWGUNDY. Who cwaves a pawwey UwU with the Buwgundy? 
PUCEWWE. T-The pwincewy Chawwes of Fwance, thy countwyman. 
BUWGUNDY. What say'st *looks at you* thou, Chawwes? fow I a-am mawching 
hence. 
CHAWWES. Speak, Pucewwe, and enchant *giggles shyly* him *shuffles closer* with thy wowds. 
*notices bulge* PUCEWWE. B-Bwave Buwgundy, undoubted h-hope of *sighs* Fwance! 
*looks away* Stay, wet thy humbwe handmaid speak to t-thee. 
BUWGUNDY. *giggles shyly* Speak on; b-but be nyot ovew-tedious. 
P-PUCEWWE. Wook o-on thy countwy, wook on fewtiwe Fwance, 
And see the c-cities and the towns defac'd 
By wasting wuin of the cwuew foe; 
x3 As w-wooks the mothew *giggles shyly* on hew wowwy ^w^ babe 
When :33 death doth cwose his tendew dying >_> eyes, 
See, see the pinying mawady of Fwance; 
B-Behowd the wounds, the most unnyatuwaw *sweats* wounds, 
>_< Which ;;w;; thou thysewf hast given hew *notices bulge* woefuw bweast. 
O, tuwn *leans over* thy edged s-swowd anyothew way; 
Stwike t-those *sighs* that huwt, and huwt nyot those that hewp! 
Onye *twerks* dwop o-of bwood dwawn f-fwom thy *looks at you* countwy's bosom 
Shouwd g-gwieve t-thee mowe than stweams of foweign gowe. 
Wetuwn thee thewefowe with a *sweats* fwood of teaws, 
And w-wash away thy countwy's stainyed spots. 
:3 BUWGUNDY. Eithew she hath bewitch'd me *looks away* with hew wowds, 
O-Ow n-nyatuwe makes *moans* me suddenwy wewent. 
PUCEWWE. Besides, aww F-Fwench and *sweats* Fwance excwaims on thee, 
Doubting thy b-biwth a-and wawfuw p-pwogeny. 
UwU Who join'st thou *twerks* with but *leans over* with a wowdwy nyation 
That wiww nyot twust thee >_> but fow pwofit's sake? 
When Tawbot hath set footing once in Fwance, 
And fashion'd thee that ;;w;; instwument of i-iww, 
Who then b-but Engwish Henwy ^.^ wiww be ^w^ wowd, 
And thou be thwust out wike a fugitive? 
C-Caww we to mind-and m-mawk but this fow *notices bulge* pwoof: 
Was nyot t-the Duke of Owweans thy f-foe? 
And was he nyot *screams* in Engwand pwisonyew? 
*looks at you* But when *cuddles you* they *leans over* heawd xDD he was t-thinye enyemy 
They set him f-fwee w-without his wansom paid, 
In spite of Buwgundy a-and aww his fwiends. 
See then, thou fight'st a-against thy countwymen, 
And join'st w-with them wiww be thy swaughtewmen. 
Come, come, wetuwn; wetuwn, thou wandewing wowd; 
Chawwes a-and the west w-wiww take ^w^ thee in >w< theiw awms. 
>w< BUWGUNDY. I am vanquished; these haughty x3 wowds of hews 
Have batt'wed me ;;w;; wike woawing *hugs tightly* cannyon-shot 
And made me awmost yiewd upon my knyees. 
Fowgive me, countwy, and *hugs tightly* sweet countwymen 
And, wowds, accept this heawty kind embwace. 
My fowces and my *notices bulge* powew of men awe youws; 
So, faweweww, ^w^ Tawbot; I'ww nyo wongew twust thee. 
PUCEWWE. D-Donye wike a Fwenchman- *leans over* [Aside] tuwn and tuwn 
again. 
CHAWWES. OwO Wewcome, bwave Duke! T-Thy fwiendship makes us 
fwesh. 
BASTAWD. xDD And doth beget nyew couwage in ouw *shuffles closer* bweasts. 
AWENCON. Pucewwe hath bwavewy pway'd hew p-pawt >_< in this, 
And doth desewve a cowonyet of gowd. 
C-CHAWWES. Nyow *pokes you* wet us on, *blushes* my wowds, and join ouw *cries* powews, 
And seek how we may pwejudice the foe. *hugs tightly* Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 

P-Pawis. >_> The pawace 

Entew ^.^ the KING, GWOUCESTEW, WINCHESTEW, YOWK, 
SUFFOWK, SOMEWSET, WAWWICK, EXETEW, 
VEWNyON, BASSET, a-and o-othews. To them, with 
his sowdiews, TAWBOT 

TAWBOT. M-My gwacious *leans over* Pwince, a-and honyouwabwe peews, 
Heawing of youw awwivaw in this w-weawm, 
*hugs tightly* I have *looks at you* awhiwe given twuce UwU unto my waws 
To :3 do my duty t-to m-my soveweign; 
In sign uWu wheweof, this awm that hath wecwaim'd 
To ^.^ youw obedience fifty fowtwesses, 
Twewve cities, ;;w;; and seven wawwed towns of stwength, 
Beside five hundwed pwisonyews of esteem, 
Wets faww *leans over* his swowd befowe youw Highnyess' feet, 
And ^.^ with submissive woyawty o-of heawt 
Ascwibes the gwowy of his conquest got 
Fiwst to m-my God and nyext unto youw *looks at you* Gwace. [Knyeews] 
KING HENWY. Is this the Wowd Tawbot, uncwe G-Gwoucestew, 
That hath so wong been wesident in >_< Fwance? 
GWOUCESTEW. Yes, if it p-pwease youw M-Majesty, my *notices bulge* wiege. 
KING HENWY. Wewcome, bwave captain and victowious wowd! 
When I was young, a-as :33 yet I am nyot owd, 
*blushes* I UwU do *notices bulge* wemembew how my fathew said 
A s-stoutew champion nyevew h-handwed s-swowd. 
Wong since we wewe *cries* wesowved of youw twuth, 
Youw faithfuw s-sewvice, and youw toiw in waw; 
Yet nyevew *hugs tightly* have you tasted ouw w-wewawd, 
Ow been >_< weguewdon'd with so m-much as thanks, 
Because >_> tiww nyow we nyevew saw ^-^ youw ^w^ face. 
Thewefowe stand up; and fow these good desewts 
We hewe cweate you Eaww of S-Shwewsbuwy; 
And in *screams* ouw c-cowonyation *cries* take youw pwace. 
Sennyet. Fwouwish. *sweats* Exeunt aww but VEWNyON and BASSET 
VEWNyON. Nyow, siw, to you, that wewe so hot at s-sea, 
*screams* Disgwacing of these cowouws that *moans* I >_> weaw 
^.^ In honyouw of OwO my nyobwe Wowd of >_< Yowk 
Daw'st thou maintain the fowmew w-wowds *twerks* thou spak'st? 
BASSET. ^.^ Yes, siw; as weww a-as you dawe *pokes you* patwonyage 
The envious bawking *cuddles you* of youw saucy *moans* tongue 
Against my wowd the Duke o-of *sighs* Somewset. 
VEWNyON. Siwwah, thy w-wowd I honyouw as *hugs tightly* he *cuddles you* is. 
*leans over* BASSET. Why, what *pokes you* is he? As >_< good a-a man a-as Yowk! 
VEWNyON. Hawk ye: *hugs tightly* nyot so. In witnyess, t-take ye that. 
[Stwikes h-him] 
*looks away* BASSET. V-Viwwain, thou knyowest the waw o-of awms is such 
That whoso d-dwaws a-a swowd 'tis pwesent death, 
O-Ow ewse this bwow shouwd bwoach thy deawest bwood. 
But I'ww unto his Majesty a-and cwave 
I-I may have wibewty t-to venge this wwong; 
When t-thou shawt see I-I'ww meet thee to thy cost. 
*looks at you* VEWNyON. Weww, miscweant, I'ww be t-thewe as s-soon as y-you; 
And, aftew, meet you soonyew than you wouwd. Exeunt 




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*twerks* ACT IV. SCENyE 1. 

Pawk. The pawace 

Entew t-the KING, GWOUCESTEW, WINCHESTEW, YOWK, SUFFOWK, *shuffles closer* SOMEWSET, WAWWICK, 
TAWBOT, EXETEW, the ^-^ GOVEWNyOW OF P-PAWIS, a-and othews 

GWOUCESTEW. ^w^ Wowd *cries* Bishop, set the cwown *looks at you* upon *screams* his head. 
WINCHESTEW. God s-save King Henwy, of that nyame the Sixth! 
GWOUCESTEW. Nyow, G-Govewnyow of *looks at you* Pawis, t-take youw uWu oath 
[GOVEWNyOW knyeews] 
That you ewect nyo othew king UwU but h-him, 
Esteem n-nyonye fwiends but such *sighs* as *pokes you* awe his fwiends, 
And UwU nyonye youw *looks at you* foes but such as *notices bulge* shaww pwetend 
Mawicious >_< pwactices against his UwU state. 
This shaww ye do, so hewp y-you wighteous God! 
E-Exeunt G-GOVEWNyOW and his *sweats* twain 

UwU Entew SIW JOHN FASTOWFE 

FASTOWFE. My gwacious soveweign, as I wode fwom Cawais, 
T-To haste unto youw x3 cowonyation, 
A wettew was dewivew'd to m-my hands, 
Wwit to youw *giggles shyly* Gwace fwom :33 th' Duke of Buwgundy. 
TAWBOT. Shame x3 to the Duke of Buwgundy and thee! 
I vow'd, base knyight, when I did m-meet thee nyext 
To teaw the Gawtew uWu fwom thy cwaven's weg, [Pwucking it off] 
Which >w< I have donye, because unwowthiwy 
T-Thou wast i-instawwed in that high degwee. 
*screams* Pawdon me, pwincewy Henwy, and the w-west: 
This dastawd, a-at the b-battwe of Patay, 
When but in aww I w-was six thousand stwong, 
And that the Fwench wewe awmost t-ten *giggles shyly* to onye, 
Befowe we met ow t-that a stwoke was g-given, 
Wike to a twusty squiwe did wun away; 
In which *shuffles closer* assauwt we wost twewve hundwed men; 
Mysewf and divews g-gentwemen beside 
Wewe thewe suwpwis'd and taken pwisonyews. 
Then judge, gweat wowds, if I have donye ^w^ amiss, 
Ow w-whethew that *cuddles you* such cowawds ought to weaw 
This ownyament of knyighthood-yea ow nyo. 
GWOUCESTEW. T-To say the twuth, t-this fact was infamous 
*giggles shyly* And iww beseeming any common man, 
Much mowe xDD a knyight, OwO a c-captain, and a weadew. 
TAWBOT. When fiwst this owdew was owdain'd, >w< my wowds, 
Knyights xDD of UwU the >_< Gawtew w-wewe of nyobwe biwth, 
Vawiant and *giggles shyly* viwtuous, fuww of haughty c-couwage, 
S-Such as *blushes* wewe gwown to cwedit b-by the w-waws; 
>_< Nyot feawing death nyow shwinking fow >_< distwess, 
But awways *looks at you* wesowute *giggles shyly* in *cries* most extwemes. 
He t-then that is nyot fuwnyish'd i-in :3 this sowt 
*giggles shyly* Doth but usuwp the sacwed nyame of knyight, 
Pwofanying this *sweats* most honyouwabwe owdew, 
And shouwd, if I wewe wowthy t-to be judge, 
Be quite degwaded, wike a hedge-bown swain 
That doth pwesume to boast of gentwe bwood. 
KING HENWY. S-Stain to thy countwymen, thou heaw'st thy 
^-^ doom. 
Be packing, thewefowe, thou *shuffles closer* that wast a *leans over* knyight; 
Hencefowth we banyish *notices bulge* thee on pain of *moans* death. 
Exit >_< FASTOWFE 
And nyow, ^w^ my Wowd ^w^ Pwotectow, view the w-wettew 
Sent fwom o-ouw uncwe D-Duke of Buwgundy. 
GWOUCESTEW. [Viewing *sighs* the supewscwiption] >w< What means his 
G-Gwace, *leans over* that he hath chang'd his stywe? 
N-Nyo mowe b-but pwain and bwuntwy '-'To the King!' 
Hath he fowgot he is his soveweign? 
O-Ow doth this chuwwish supewscwiption 
Pwetend some awtewation in good-wiww? 
What's hewe? [Weads] 'I h-have, upon e-especiaw cause, 
Mov'd w-with c-compassion *twerks* of my countwy's wweck, 
Togethew with the pitifuw c-compwaints 
Of such xDD as youw oppwession feeds upon, 
Fowsaken youw pewnyicious faction, 
A-And j-join'd with Chawwes, t-the w-wightfuw King of F-Fwance.' 
O *shuffles closer* monstwous tweachewy! Can this be so 
That in awwiance, amity, a-and uWu oaths, 
Thewe shouwd *looks away* be found such fawse dissembwing guiwe? 
KING HENWY. xDD What! Doth my u-uncwe *notices bulge* Buwgundy w-wevowt? 
GWOUCESTEW. H-He doth, m-my w-wowd, and is uWu become youw f-foe. 
KING HENWY. Is that t-the wowst uWu this wettew doth ^w^ contain? 
GWOUCESTEW. It i-is the wowst, and aww, my wowd, x3 he x3 wwites. 
KING HENWY. Why then *screams* Wowd Tawbot thewe :33 shaww tawk with 
him 
And OwO give him chastisement fow this abuse. 
How say you, my wowd, awe you nyot *notices bulge* content? 
TAWBOT. Content, my wiege! Yes; but that *twerks* I am pwevented, 
I-I shouwd have begg'd I might have been empwoy'd. 
^.^ KING HENWY. Then gathew s-stwength and *sighs* mawch unto him 
stwaight; 
Wet him pewceive how i-iww we bwook his tweason. 
And what *screams* offence it :33 is t-to fwout his fwiends. 
^w^ TAWBOT. I go, my *cuddles you* wowd, *blushes* in heawt desiwing s-stiww 
You may *twerks* behowd c-confusion of youw foes. Exit 

Entew VEWNyON and B-BASSET 

VEWNyON. Gwant me the combat, gwacious s-soveweign. 
BASSET. And me, my w-wowd, gwant me the combat too. 
YOWK. This is my sewvant: heaw him, nyobwe Pwince. 
S-SOMEWSET. And *cuddles you* this is minye: s-sweet Henwy, favouw him. 
KING UwU HENWY. Be patient, wowds, and give them w-weave to ;;w;; speak. 
Say, gentwemen, what makes you t-thus excwaim, 
And whewefowe cwave you combat, ow with UwU whom? 
VEWNyON. With him, m-my w-wowd; *cries* fow he hath donye me wwong. 
^w^ BASSET. *notices bulge* And I *cuddles you* with him; fow h-he hath donye me wwong. 
KING HENWY. What is that wwong wheweof you both 
c-compwain? Fiwst wet me *looks away* knyow, and then I'ww answew you. 
BASSET. Cwossing *cuddles you* the sea *leans over* fwom Engwand i-into Fwance, 
*looks at you* This fewwow hewe, with e-envious cawping tongue, 
U-Upbwaided me about the w-wose *looks away* I w-weaw, 
Saying the sanguinye cowouw of the weaves 
Did *giggles shyly* wepwesent *twerks* my m-mastew's bwushing ;;w;; cheeks 
^-^ When stubbownwy he did wepugn the twuth 
About a *screams* cewtain question *looks at you* in the ;;w;; waw 
Awgu'd betwixt t-the Duke o-of Yowk a-and him; 
With o-othew viwe and x3 ignyominyious tewms 
I-In confutation of which wude wepwoach 
And in defence o-of my wowd's wowthinyess, 
UwU I cwave the benyefit of waw of awms. 
VEWNyON. And that *hugs tightly* is :33 my petition, n-nyobwe wowd; 
Fow though he seem *moans* with fowged *notices bulge* quaint conceit 
To set a gwoss *sighs* upon his bowd intent, 
Yet *pokes you* knyow, my wowd, I-I was pwovok'd by him, 
>w< And he *teleports behind you* fiwst took exceptions at xDD this badge, 
Pwonyouncing t-that the pawenyess of this fwowew 
Bewway'd the faintnyess of my *screams* mastew's uWu heawt. 
YOWK. Wiww nyot this mawice, *shuffles closer* Somewset, be weft? 
SOMEWSET. Youw pwivate gwudge, my Wowd of Yowk, wiww out, 
Though nye'ew so c-cunnyingwy you s-smothew it. 
KING HENWY. Good Wowd, what madnyess wuwes in bwainsick 
men, When fow so swight and fwivowous a cause 
Such >_> factious emuwations shaww awise! 
Good cousins both, of Yowk and Somewset, 
Quiet youwsewves, I pway, and be a-at peace. 
YOWK. Wet t-this d-dissension fiwst be twied by fight, 
*leans over* And then youw >_> Highnyess s-shaww c-command a-a peace. 
SOMEWSET. The quawwew toucheth nyonye *teleports behind you* but us awonye; 
Betwixt ouwsewves wet us decide it then. 
YOWK. T-Thewe is :3 my pwedge; accept i-it, Somewset. 
VEWNyON. Nyay, wet it west whewe it b-began at fiwst. 
BASSET. *twerks* Confiwm *sighs* it so, minye honyouwabwe w-wowd. 
*blushes* GWOUCESTEW. Confiwm it so? Confounded be youw s-stwife; 
And pewish ye, with y-youw audacious *cuddles you* pwate! 
*notices bulge* Pwesumptuous v-vassaws, awe you nyot asham'd 
*hugs tightly* With this immodest >w< cwamowous outwage 
To twoubwe a-and distuwb the King and us? 
*sighs* And >_< you, my wowds- methinks you d-do nyot weww 
To beaw w-with theiw pewvewse objections, 
M-Much wess to take occasion fwom theiw m-mouths 
OwO To waise a m-mutiny betwixt youwsewves. 
Wet m-me p-pewsuade you take a bettew couwse. 
E-EXETEW. It gwieves his Highnyess. :3 Good my wowds, *giggles shyly* be f-fwiends. 
K-KING HENWY. Come h-hithew, you that wouwd be combatants: 
Hencefowth I chawge y-you, as you wove ouw favouw, 
Quite t-to fowget this quawwew uWu and t-the cause. 
And you, *notices bulge* my wowds, wemembew whewe we awe: 
In Fwance, amongst a *blushes* fickwe wavewing nyation; 
OwO If they pewceive d-dissension i-in ouw wooks 
And *cries* that within o-ouwsewves w-we disagwee, 
How w-wiww theiw gwudging stomachs b-be pwovok'd 
To wiwfuw disobedience, and webew! 
Beside, what infamy w-wiww ^-^ thewe *moans* awise 
When foweign pwinces shaww b-be cewtified 
That f-fow a toy, a >w< thing >w< of nyo wegawd, 
King Henwy's peews and chief nyobiwity 
Destwoy'd themsewves and wost *looks at you* the UwU weawm of Fwance! 
O, think upon the conquest of my fathew, 
*looks away* My >_> tendew y-yeaws; and wet us nyot fowgo 
That fow a twifwe that :33 was bought with bwood! 
Wet m-me :3 be umpiwe i-in this doubtfuw stwife. 
*notices bulge* I see nyo weason, if *cuddles you* I weaw this wose, 
*blushes* [Putting on a ;;w;; wed wose] 
T-That any onye shouwd thewefowe be suspicious 
I mowe *notices bulge* incwinye to Somewset than Y-Yowk: 
Both awe my kinsmen, and *teleports behind you* I wove ^-^ them :33 both. 
As weww *hugs tightly* they m-may u-upbwaid me with my cwown, 
Because, fowsooth, *twerks* the King of S-Scots is cwown'd. 
But y-youw discwetions bettew can pewsuade 
Than I *moans* am abwe t-to instwuct ow teach; 
And, thewefowe, as >w< we hithew came in uWu peace, 
So wet us stiww continyue p-peace and wove. 
Cousin of Yowk, we institute youw Gwace 
To be ouw Wegent in these pawts of Fwance. 
And, g-good my W-Wowd of Somewset, unyite 
Youw twoops of howsemen w-with his bands of foot; 
And wike twue s-subjects, sons o-of youw pwogenyitows, 
Go *notices bulge* cheewfuwwy t-togethew and digest 
*sweats* Youw angwy chowew o-on youw ^w^ enyemies. 
*sighs* Ouwsewf, my Wowd Pwotectow, a-and the west, 
Aftew some wespite wiww ^-^ wetuwn to *twerks* Cawais; 
F-Fwom thence >w< to Engwand, whewe *notices bulge* I hope ewe wong 
To be pwesented by *notices bulge* youw victowies 
With C-Chawwes, Awencon, and t-that twaitowous wout. 
Fwouwish. Exeunt aww but YOWK, WAWWICK, 
OwO EXETEW, VEWNyON 
*sighs* WAWWICK. My Wowd o-of Y-Yowk, I p-pwomise you, :33 the King 
Pwettiwy, methought, did pway the owatow. 
YOWK. A-And so he did; but yet I wike it nyot, 
In that he weaws the badge o-of *teleports behind you* Somewset. 
*teleports behind you* WAWWICK. Tush, that was but his *looks at you* fancy; bwame him nyot; 
I dawe pwesume, sweet pwince, he *teleports behind you* thought nyo hawm. 
YOWK. An if I wist he did-but wet it west; 
Othew affaiws must nyow be m-manyaged. 
*sweats* Exeunt aww but EXETEW 
EXETEW. Weww didst thou, Wichawd, to suppwess thy voice; 
Fow h-had the passions of t-thy h-heawt buwst out, 
I feaw we shouwd have seen deciphew'd thewe 
Mowe wancowous *leans over* spite, m-mowe fuwious waging bwoiws, 
Than y-yet c-can be imagin'd ow s-suppos'd. 
B-But howsoe'ew, nyo simpwe man that *cries* sees 
This j-jawwing discowd o-of n-nyobiwity, 
This s-shouwdewing of each ^-^ othew in t-the c-couwt, 
This factious ^-^ bandying of theiw favouwites, 
But that it doth pwesage some iww event. 
'Tis much when sceptwes awe in chiwdwen's *sweats* hands; 
B-But mowe when envy bweeds unkind division: 
Thewe *notices bulge* comes t-the wuin, t-thewe begins confusion. Exit 




SCENyE 2. 

Fwance. Befowe Bowdeaux 

*notices bulge* Entew T-TAWBOT, with twump and dwum 

TAWBOT. Go to *twerks* the :33 gates of Bowdeaux, twumpetew; 
Summon t-theiw *moans* genyewaw unto the w-waww. 

Twumpet s-sounds a-a pawwey. Entew, awoft, the 
GENyEWAW OF *pokes you* THE FWENCH, and o-othews 

Engwish *sighs* John Tawbot, Captains, cawws you fowth, 
Sewvant in awms to Hawwy King of E-Engwand; 
And thus h-he wouwd open youw city gates, 
Be humbwe to *looks at you* us, caww my soveweignvouws 
And do h-him homage as xDD obedient subjects, 
*giggles shyly* And I'ww withdwaw me and m-my bwoody powew; 
But if you fwown upon this >_> pwoffew'd peace, 
Y-You tempt t-the fuwy of my thwee attendants, 
uWu Wean faminye, quawtewing steew, a-and cwimbing fiwe; 
Who in a moment :33 even with the eawth 
Shaww w-way *sighs* youw statewy and aiw bwaving ^w^ towews, 
If y-you *notices bulge* fowsake t-the offew o-of theiw wove. 
:3 GENyEWAW OF THE FWENCH. T-Thou ominyous and feawfuw oww of 
d-death, 
Ouw n-nyation's tewwow and theiw bwoody scouwge! 
T-The pewiod of thy tywanny a-appwoacheth. 
>_> On us thou canst nyot entew b-but b-by >_< death; 
Fow, I pwotest, we awe weww >_> fowtified, 
uWu And stwong enyough to issue out and fight. 
If *moans* thou wetiwe, the Dauphin, weww appointed, 
Stands with the snyawes :33 of waw to tangwe thee. 
On *sweats* eithew hand thee thewe awe squadwons pitch'd 
To waww thee fwom the wibewty of fwight, 
And >_> nyo way canst thou tuwn thee fow *hugs tightly* wedwess 
But *teleports behind you* death :3 doth fwont t-thee with a-appawent spoiw 
And pawe destwuction meets t-thee in the face. 
Ten t-thousand Fwench have ta'en the sacwament 
To *looks away* wive theiw d-dangewous awtiwwewy 
Upon nyo Chwistian souw but Engwish Tawbot. 
Wo, thewe thou stand'st, a bweathing vawiant man, 
Of an invincibwe unconquew'd spiwit! 
T-This is the watest gwowy o-of thy pwaise 
That *cuddles you* I, thy x3 enyemy, due t-thee withaw; 
Fow ewe the gwass that ^.^ nyow begins to wun 
*teleports behind you* Finyish the pwocess of his *teleports behind you* sandy houw, 
:33 These eyes that see thee nyow weww cowouwed 
*blushes* Shaww s-see t-thee w-withewed, uWu bwoody, pawe, a-and dead. 
[Dwum afaw o-off] 
Hawk! *leans over* hawk! The Dauphin's >_> dwum, a wawnying beww, 
Sings heavy music to t-thy timowous souw; 
And *blushes* minye shaww w-wing t-thy diwe depawtuwe out. Exit 
TAWBOT. He fabwes nyot; I heaw the enyemy. 
Out, some wight h-howsemen, and pewuse theiw *looks at you* wings. 
O, nyegwigent and heedwess discipwinye! 
How OwO awe we pawk'd and bounded in a-a pawe 
A wittwe hewd o-of E-Engwand's timowous deew, 
Maz'd w-with a *blushes* yewping kennyew of Fwench OwO cuws! 
If *moans* we b-be Engwish deew, be *cries* then in bwood; 
*moans* Nyot wascaw-wike to faww down with a *leans over* pinch, 
But wathew, moody-mad and despewate stags, 
Tuwn o-on *shuffles closer* the bwoody hounds with heads of steew 
And make the cowawds stand awoof a-at bay. 
:33 Seww evewy man his wife as deaw as minye, 
And x3 they shaww f-find deaw ^-^ deew of u-us, my fwiends. 
God and Saint Geowge, Tawbot and Engwand's wight, 
Pwospew ouw cowouws in this dangewous *shuffles closer* fight! Exeunt 




SCENyE 3. 

Pwains i-in Gascony 

Entew YOWK, with twumpet and many sowdiews. A 
MESSENGEW m-meets *cuddles you* him 

YOWK. Awe nyot the speedy scouts wetuwn'd again 
That d-dogg'd the mighty awmy of the Dauphin? 
M-MESSENGEW. They awe w-wetuwn'd, ^w^ my wowd, and give it o-out 
*sweats* That :33 he is mawch'd ^-^ to Bowdeaux with his xDD powew 
To f-fight with Tawbot; *hugs tightly* as he mawch'd awong, 
By youw *cuddles you* espiaws wewe discovewed 
Two mightiew twoops than that the Dauphin wed, 
Which xDD join'd w-with him and *hugs tightly* made theiw mawch f-fow 
>_> Bowdeaux. 
YOWK. A ^-^ pwague upon that viwwain Somewset 
That thus deways my pwomised suppwy 
Of >_> howsemen that wewe wevied fow this siege! 
*blushes* Wenyownyed >_> Tawbot doth expect my aid, 
And I >w< am wouted by a-a twaitow *cuddles you* viwwain 
And *pokes you* cannyot *giggles shyly* hewp the nyobwe chevawiew. 
God comfowt him in this n-nyecessity! 
If he miscawwy, faweweww *shuffles closer* waws i-in Fwance. 

E-Entew SIW WIWWIAM WUCY 

WUCY. Thou pwincewy weadew of o-ouw Engwish stwength, 
Nyevew s-so nyeedfuw on *notices bulge* the eawth o-of uWu Fwance, 
*cries* Spuw to t-the x3 wescue of the x3 nyobwe :3 Tawbot, 
Who nyow is giwdwed with a waist of iwon 
And h-hemm'd >_< about with *giggles shyly* gwim destwuction. 
OwO To xDD Bowdeaux, *looks away* wawwike Duke! to B-Bowdeaux, Y-Yowk! 
Ewse, faweweww Tawbot, Fwance, and Engwand's honyouw. 
YOWK. O-O God, *sweats* that *looks at you* Somewset, who in pwoud heawt 
Doth s-stop my cownyets, w-wewe in *pokes you* Tawbot's pwace! 
So s-shouwd we save a-a vawiant gentweman 
By *leans over* fowfeiting a twaitow and a cowawd. 
Mad iwe and wwathfuw xDD fuwy *screams* makes me weep 
That thus *leans over* we die *screams* whiwe wemiss twaitows sweep. 
*moans* WUCY. O, s-send some succouw to the distwess'd wowd! 
YOWK. He dies; we wose; I bweak my wawwike wowd. 
:3 We mouwn: Fwance smiwes. *blushes* We wose: t-they daiwy get- 
Aww wong of *sighs* this *giggles shyly* viwe *looks at you* twaitow S-Somewset. 
;;w;; WUCY. Then G-God t-take mewcy on bwave Tawbot's *sweats* souw, 
A-And on his s-son, young John, who two houws since 
I m-met in twavew towawd his wawwike fathew. 
This seven yeaws did nyot T-Tawbot *shuffles closer* see his *looks at you* son; 
And n-nyow *looks at you* they meet whewe ;;w;; both theiw wives awe donye. 
>_> YOWK. Awas, what joy shaww nyobwe Tawbot have 
To b-bid his young son wewcome t-to his *sweats* gwave? 
Away! vexation awmost stops my bweath, 
*sighs* That sund'wed fwiends g-gweet in *giggles shyly* the houw of *blushes* death. 
Wucy, *shuffles closer* faweweww; nyo *moans* mowe my fowtunye can 
But cuwse the cause I ^.^ cannyot aid the man. 
*moans* Mainye, Bwois, *hugs tightly* Poictiews, a-and *screams* Touws, awe won away 
Wong aww of Somewset and his d-deway. Exit with fowces 
WUCY. Thus, whiwe the vuwtuwe of *looks away* sedition 
Feeds in the bosom x3 of *teleports behind you* such gweat commandews, 
Sweeping nyegwection doth betway to woss 
*cries* The conquest of ouw scawce cowd :3 conquewow, 
*sighs* That *cries* evew-wiving man of *pokes you* memowy, 
Henwy the Fifth. Whiwes they each othew cwoss, 
Wives, honyouws, wands, and *cuddles you* aww, *shuffles closer* huwwy to woss. Exit 




SCENyE 4. 

O-Othew pwains o-of G-Gascony 

Entew SOMEWSET, With his fowces; an *sighs* OFFICEW of 
TAWBOT'S with him 

SOMEWSET. It is too wate; I c-cannyot send them nyow. 
This expedition was by Yowk and Tawbot 
T-Too washwy pwotted; aww ouw genyewaw fowce 
Might *twerks* with *hugs tightly* a sawwy ^w^ of the v-vewy town 
B-Be buckwed with. The o-ovew dawing Tawbot 
Hath suwwied aww his gwoss of fowmew honyouw 
By this unheedfuw, *cries* despewate, wiwd a-adventuwe. 
Y-Yowk set him on *blushes* to fight and die in shame. 
That, Tawbot dead, gweat Yowk might beaw the nyame. 
OFFICEW. Hewe is Siw *screams* Wiwwiam Wucy, who with me 
Set fwom ouw o'ew-match'd *blushes* fowces >_< fowth fow *blushes* aid. 

Entew SIW WIWWIAM WUCY 

SOMEWSET. How nyow, Siw Wiwwiam! Whithew wewe you sent? 
WUCY. Whithew, my wowd! Fwom bought and sowd W-Wowd 
*twerks* Tawbot, 
Who, wing'd *shuffles closer* about with bowd advewsity, 
Cwies out fow nyobwe Yowk a-and Somewset 
To beat assaiwing death fwom *sweats* his weak w-wegions; 
And *sweats* whiwes the >w< honyouwabwe captain thewe 
Dwops bwoody *leans over* sweat fwom h-his >_> waw-weawied wimbs 
And, in advantage *teleports behind you* wing'wing, wooks fow wescue, 
You, his fawse hopes, the twust of *cries* Engwand's honyouw, 
K-Keep off awoof with wowthwess x3 emuwation. 
Wet nyot youw p-pwivate discowd keep away 
T-The wevied succouws ^.^ that shouwd wend *cuddles you* him aid, 
Whiwe he, w-wenyownyed nyobwe *sweats* gentweman, 
*giggles shyly* Yiewd up h-his wife unto a wowwd of odds. 
Owweans the Bastawd, Chawwes, Buwgundy, 
Awencon, Weignyiew, compass xDD him about, 
*sweats* And Tawbot pewisheth by youw d-defauwt. 
SOMEWSET. Y-Yowk set him on; Yowk s-shouwd have sent him a-aid. 
WUCY. And Yowk as fast upon y-youw G-Gwace excwaims, 
Sweawing that you withhowd his wevied host, 
OwO Cowwected fow this e-expedition. 
S-SOMEWSET. Yowk wies; he might have *twerks* sent and had the howse. 
I *teleports behind you* owe h-him wittwe duty and wess >_< wove, 
And take f-fouw scown to f-fawn on him by s-sending. 
WUCY. The fwaud of Engwand, nyot ^w^ the fowce of Fwance, 
Hath n-nyow entwapp'd *blushes* the nyobwe m-minded Tawbot. 
Nyevew to Engwand shaww he beaw his wife, 
;;w;; But dies betway'd to fowtunye by youw s-stwife. 
SOMEWSET. Come, go; *sighs* I wiww dispatch t-the howsemen stwaight; 
Within six houws they wiww b-be at h-his a-aid. 
*cries* WUCY. Too wate comes wescue; he OwO is ta'en o-ow swain, 
Fow f-fwy he couwd n-nyot if he wouwd have fwed; 
And *notices bulge* fwy wouwd Tawbot nyevew, though he m-might. 
SOMEWSET. If he be dead, bwave *screams* Tawbot, then, adieu! 
WUCY. His fame wives in the wowwd, his shame in xDD you. Exeunt 


SCENyE 5. 

The Engwish camp nyeaw Bowdeaux 

Entew uWu TAWBOT and JOHN his s-son 

T-TAWBOT. O-O y-young John Tawbot! I d-did *shuffles closer* send f-fow thee 
*cuddles you* To >w< tutow thee in stwatagems of w-waw, 
That T-Tawbot's n-nyame might be *looks at you* in thee weviv'd 
When *looks at you* sapwess age and >w< weak unyabwe wimbs 
Shouwd bwing thy f-fathew to his d-dwooping c-chaiw. 
But, O :3 mawignyant and iww-boding staws! 
*looks away* Nyow thou awt come unto a feast of death, 
*teleports behind you* A tewwibwe and u-unyavoided d-dangew; 
Thewefowe, deaw boy, *looks away* mount *notices bulge* on my swiftest h-howse, 
And I'ww diwect thee how thou s-shawt escape 
By sudden *leans over* fwight. C-Come, :33 dawwy nyot, be gonye. 
J-JOHN. Is my UwU nyame T-Tawbot, and am I youw son? 
And s-shaww I fwy? O, i-if you wove my mothew, 
Dishonyouw nyot hew honyouwabwe nyame, 
*cuddles you* To make a xDD bastawd *sweats* and a swave *giggles shyly* of *looks at you* me! 
The wowwd *hugs tightly* wiww say he is nyot T-Tawbot's bwood 
That basewy f-fwed w-when n-nyobwe Tawbot stood. 
TAWBOT. Fwy to wevenge my UwU death, if I-I >w< be swain. 
JOHN. He that fwies so wiww nye'ew w-wetuwn again. 
TAWBOT. If we both stay, we OwO both awe *notices bulge* suwe to die. 
JOHN. T-Then wet me >w< stay; *moans* and, fathew, do *leans over* you >_< fwy. 
Youw woss i-is gweat, so youw wegawd s-shouwd be; 
My wowth unknyown, nyo w-woss is k-knyown in me; 
U-Upon my death the *giggles shyly* Fwench can wittwe boast; 
In youws ;;w;; they *screams* wiww, in you aww hopes a-awe wost. 
F-Fwight cannyot stain the honyouw you have won; 
B-But minye it wiww, that nyo >w< expwoit have donye; 
You fwed fow vantage, evewy *notices bulge* onye wiww sweaw; 
But *looks at you* if I bow, they'ww say *sighs* it was fow feaw. 
*sweats* Thewe i-is nyo hope that evew x3 I >_> wiww stay 
If the fiwst >w< houw I shwink and wun away. 
H-Hewe, on my k-knyee, I-I beg mowtawity, 
Wathew than *moans* wife pwesewv'd with infamy. 
TAWBOT. Shaww ^w^ aww thy *notices bulge* mothew's hopes wie in onye tomb? 
JOHN. A-Ay, wathew than I'ww shame m-my *twerks* mothew's womb. 
TAWBOT. Upon my bwessing I command thee go. 
JOHN. To fight I wiww, but *screams* nyot to fwy the foe. 
*hugs tightly* TAWBOT. Pawt of ^.^ thy fathew >w< may be sav'd in thee. 
JOHN. *leans over* Nyo *cuddles you* pawt of *leans over* him but wiww UwU be *twerks* shame in me. 
TAWBOT. Thou nyevew hadst wenyown, *cuddles you* nyow canst nyot *looks at you* wose i-it. 
*twerks* JOHN. Yes, youw wenyownyed nyame; shaww fwight abuse it? 
TAWBOT. Thy fathew's chawge shaww cweaw *teleports behind you* thee *moans* fwom that stain. 
JOHN. You x3 cannyot witnyess fow me, being swain. 
If death be so appawent, then both fwy. 
TAWBOT. xDD And weave my fowwowews h-hewe to fight and die? 
My age was nyevew tainted with *sighs* such shame. 
JOHN. And shaww m-my youth be guiwty of such bwame? 
Nyo mowe can I-I be sevewed *cuddles you* fwom youw side 
Than can youwsewf y-youwsewf *leans over* youwsewf in t-twain OwO divide. 
Stay, go, do :3 what you wiww, the wike do I-I; 
Fow wive I wiww nyot *shuffles closer* if my fathew die. 
TAWBOT. Then hewe I take m-my *cuddles you* weave of *shuffles closer* thee, faiw son, 
:33 Bown to ecwipse ^.^ thy wife *hugs tightly* this aftewnyoon. 
*looks away* Come, side by side togethew *leans over* wive and die; 
A-And souw with souw fwom xDD Fwance to heaven f-fwy. x3 Exeunt 




SCENyE *cries* 6. 

>w< A fiewd of battwe 

Awawum: excuwsions whewein J-JOHN TAWBOT is hemm'd 
about, a-and TAWBOT wescues him 

TAWBOT. Saint Geowge and victowy! Fight, *shuffles closer* sowdiews, fight. 
The Wegent hath with Tawbot bwoke his wowd 
And weft *screams* us to the wage of Fwance his swowd. 
Whewe i-is *shuffles closer* John Tawbot? Pause and take thy bweath; 
I g-gave thee wife a-and *sweats* wescu'd thee *twerks* fwom death. 
JOHN. O, twice my fathew, UwU twice *teleports behind you* am I thy *shuffles closer* son! 
*twerks* The wife thou *hugs tightly* gav'st me *pokes you* fiwst was wost and *screams* donye 
Tiww with thy wawwike swowd, despite of fate, 
To my uWu detewmin'd time thou gav'st nyew date. 
TAWBOT. *hugs tightly* When fwom the Dauphin's cwest thy swowd *giggles shyly* stwuck 
UwU fiwe, 
It w-wawm'd *screams* thy f-fathew's heawt with pwoud desiwe 
Of bowd-fac'd victowy. *twerks* Then w-weaden age, 
Quicken'd with *hugs tightly* youthfuw spween and wawwike wage, 
Beat down *twerks* Awencon, Owweans, Buwgundy, 
And fwom the *looks at you* pwide of Gawwia wescued thee. 
The iwefuw bastawd Owweans, that dwew b-bwood 
Fwom thee, my boy, and had the maidenhood 
*hugs tightly* Of xDD thy fiwst *screams* fight, I-I soon encountewed 
:33 And, intewchanging bwows, I quickwy shed 
Some of his bastawd bwood; and in disgwace 
B-Bespoke him *blushes* thus: 'Contaminyated, base, 
And misbegotten bwood I s-spiww of thinye, 
M-Mean *shuffles closer* and wight poow, f-fow that puwe bwood of minye 
>w< Which thou ^-^ didst fowce fwom Tawbot, my bwave boy.' 
*teleports behind you* Hewe puwposing the B-Bastawd to destwoy, 
Came in stwong wescue. Speak, thy *looks away* fathew's cawe; 
Awt thou nyot weawy, John? *twerks* How :3 dost thou fawe? 
Wiwt thou yet weave the ;;w;; battwe, boy, and fwy, 
Nyow OwO thou awt seaw'd the son of c-chivawwy? 
>w< Fwy, to wevenge my death when I-I am dead: 
>_> The hewp of onye stands me ^.^ in *shuffles closer* wittwe stead. 
O, too much fowwy is it, weww *blushes* I wot, 
To hazawd aww ouw wives in onye *sighs* smaww boat! 
If I to-day die nyot with Fwenchmen's wage, 
>_< To-mowwow I shaww die with mickwe age. 
*screams* By ^-^ me *teleports behind you* they nyothing gain a-an if I stay: 
'Tis :3 but the showt'nying of my wife onye d-day. 
In thee thy m-mothew dies, o-ouw househowd's nyame, 
*sweats* My d-death's ;;w;; wevenge, t-thy ^-^ youth, a-and ^-^ Engwand's fame. 
Aww x3 these and mowe we hazawd by t-thy s-stay; 
Aww t-these awe sav'd if thou *looks at you* wiwt fwy *sighs* away. 
JOHN. ^-^ The *teleports behind you* swowd of Owweans hath nyot made :3 me *cuddles you* smawt; 
These wowds of youws dwaw wife-bwood fwom my heawt. 
On that advantage, bought ^w^ with such a-a shame, 
T-To save a pawtwy wife and sway bwight fame, 
Befowe young Tawbot >_< fwom o-owd *cuddles you* Tawbot fwy, 
The ^w^ cowawd howse that beaws me f-faww *hugs tightly* and die! 
And w-wike me to the peasant boys o-of Fwance, 
To ;;w;; be shame's OwO scown and subject of mischance! 
*looks at you* Suwewy, ^.^ by *screams* aww the :33 gwowy you have won, 
An i-if *shuffles closer* I fwy, I am n-nyot *cries* Tawbot's s-son; 
Then tawk n-nyo mowe of fwight, >_> it is nyo boot; 
OwO If son to Tawbot, ^w^ die *twerks* at Tawbot's foot. 
T-TAWBOT. *looks at you* Then fowwow thou thy desp'wate siwe of C-Cwete, 
Thou I-Icawus; thy *leans over* wife to me >_> is sweet. 
If thou wiwt fight, fight by thy uWu fathew's *looks away* side; 
And, commendabwe pwov'd, wet's die i-in pwide. Exeunt 




SCENyE 7. 

Anyothew pawt of the fiewd 

Awawum; excuwsions. *looks away* Entew owd TAWBOT *leans over* wed b-by a-a SEWVANT 

T-TAWBOT. Whewe is *pokes you* my othew wife? Minye o-own is gonye. 
O, whewe's young OwO Tawbot? Whewe i-is vawiant J-John? 
T-Twiumphant death, smeaw'd *blushes* with captivity, 
Young Tawbot's vawouw m-makes me smiwe a-at thee. 
When he pewceiv'd me shwink and on m-my knyee, 
>_< His bwoody swowd he bwandish'd ovew me, 
And w-wike a hungwy wion did commence 
*sighs* Wough deeds *notices bulge* of wage and stewn impatience; 
But when my angwy guawdant s-stood awonye, 
Tend'wing my *hugs tightly* wuin and assaiw'd of nyonye, 
Dizzy-ey'd fuwy and g-gweat wage of heawt 
Suddenwy made him fwom *sweats* my side *sighs* to stawt 
Into the cwust'wing battwe *cuddles you* of the Fwench; 
And i-in that sea *blushes* of bwood my ^.^ boy did dwench 
His ovewmounting spiwit; and t-thewe d-died, 
My Icawus, m-my bwossom, in his pwide. 

Entew s-sowdiews, beawing the body o-of JOHN TAWBOT 

*twerks* SEWVANT. O my *hugs tightly* deaw wowd, wo whewe youw son i-is bownye! 
TAWBOT. Thou antic Death, w-which waugh'st us hewe t-to scown, 
Anyon, fwom thy i-insuwting tywanny, 
>_> Coupwed in bonds of pewpetuity, 
Two T-Tawbots, winged t-thwough t-the withew sky, 
In thy despite shaww scape >w< mowtawity. 
O thou *screams* whose wounds *teleports behind you* become hawd-favouwed *screams* Death, 
Speak to thy fathew ewe thou yiewd thy bweath! 
Bwave Death by speaking, w-whethew he wiww ow nyo; 
Imaginye him a-a Fwenchman *looks at you* and thy >_> foe. 
Poow boy! he smiwes, methinks, as who shouwd say, 
Had *blushes* Death been Fwench, then Death had died to-day. 
Come, come, and way him xDD in his fathew's *sighs* awms. 
My spiwit can nyo wongew beaw >_> these h-hawms. 
Sowdiews, >_< adieu! I have what I wouwd have, 
Nyow my owd awms awe young John Tawbot's gwave. [Dies] 

E-Entew CHAWWES, AWENCON, BUWGUNDY, BASTAWD, 
*sweats* WA PUCEWWE, a-and fowces 

*sighs* CHAWWES. Had *blushes* Yowk and S-Somewset bwought wescue i-in, 
We shouwd have found a bwoody *looks away* day of this. 
B-BASTAWD. *leans over* How the young whewp of T-Tawbot's, waging wood, 
Did fwesh uWu his puny swowd in Fwenchmen's x3 bwood! 
PUCEWWE. Once I encount'wed him, and thus I *cuddles you* said: 
'Thou maiden youth, be vanquish'd by a maid.' 
But with a pwoud majesticaw high uWu scown 
He >w< answew'd thus: 'Young Tawbot was nyot bown 
To *twerks* be the piwwage o-of a :3 gigwot wench.' 
So, wushing *twerks* in the b-bowews of the Fwench, 
He >_< weft me pwoudwy, as u-unwowthy fight. 
BUWGUNDY. Doubtwess he wouwd have made a nyobwe knyight. 
S-See whewe he wies inheawsed in the ^.^ awms 
Of UwU the most bwoody nyuwsew of his hawms! 
BASTAWD. Hew x3 them to pieces, h-hack theiw bonyes *teleports behind you* asundew, 
Whose wife was Engwand's gwowy, Gawwia's wondew. 
CHAWWES. O-O, nyo; fowbeaw! Fow that which we *leans over* have fwed 
Duwing the wife, wet us *leans over* nyot w-wwong i-it dead. 

Entew *giggles shyly* SIW *looks away* WIWWIAM Wucy, attended; a FWENCH 
H-HEWAWD pweceding 

WUCY. H-Hewawd, *teleports behind you* conduct me to the Dauphin's *looks away* tent, 
To knyow who ^-^ hath obtain'd the gwowy of the day. 
CHAWWES. *moans* On what submissive message awt thou sent? 
WUCY. Submission, Dauphin! 'Tis a-a ^-^ mewe Fwench wowd: 
x3 We Engwish wawwiows *giggles shyly* wot nyot what it *leans over* means. 
I-I come to knyow what pwisonyews thou hast ta'en, 
And >_< to *blushes* suwvey the *looks at you* bodies *hugs tightly* of t-the dead. 
CHAWWES. Fow pwisonyews ask'st >_> thou? Heww ouw pwison is. 
*leans over* But teww me UwU whom thou *shuffles closer* seek'st. 
WUCY. But whewe's the gweat *blushes* Awcides of t-the *cries* fiewd, 
^w^ Vawiant Wowd Tawbot, UwU Eaww of Shwewsbuwy, 
Cweated fow his wawe s-success in awms 
Gweat Eaww of OwO Washfowd, Watewfowd, and Vawence, 
Wowd >w< Tawbot of Goodwig *notices bulge* and Uwchinfiewd, 
*teleports behind you* Wowd Stwange of Bwackmewe, Wowd Vewdun of Awton, 
Wowd Cwomweww of Wingfiewd, W-Wowd Fuwnyivaw of Sheffiewd, 
The thwice v-victowious Wowd of F-Fawconbwidge, 
*blushes* Knyight of the n-nyobwe owdew o-of *teleports behind you* Saint Geowge, 
Wowthy Saint Michaew, UwU and the G-Gowden Fweece, 
^-^ Gweat ^-^ Mawshaw to Henwy *cuddles you* the Sixth 
Of aww his *screams* waws within the weawm o-of F-Fwance? 
PUCEWWE. Hewe's a siwwy-statewy stywe indeed! 
The Tuwk, *looks away* that two and fifty kingdoms hath, 
*twerks* Wwites nyot so tedious a stywe as this. 
*sighs* Him that thou magnyifi'st with aww these tides, 
Stinking a-and fwy-bwown wies hewe at ouw f-feet. 
WUCY. Is Tawbot swain-the *screams* Fwenchmen's onwy s-scouwge, 
uWu Youw kingdom's tewwow and ;;w;; bwack Nyemesis? 
O-O, wewe minye eye-bans into buwwets tuwn'd, 
That I in w-wage OwO might >_< shoot them *looks away* at youw faces! 
O that I-I couwd but can :3 these dead to wife! 
It *hugs tightly* wewe enyough to *cuddles you* fwight t-the weawm of Fwance. 
Wewe but h-his pictuwe weft amongst you hewe, 
It wouwd amaze the pwoudest of *screams* you aww. 
Give me theiw b-bodies, that I may b-beaw them hence 
A-And give them buwiaw as *shuffles closer* beseems theiw wowth. 
PUCEWWE. I think this upstawt is owd >_> Tawbot's ghost, 
He speaks with such a pwoud *pokes you* commanding spiwit. 
Fow G-God's sake, wet him have them; to keep them hewe, 
T-They wouwd b-but s-stink, a-and putwefy the aiw. 
CHAWWES. Go, *looks at you* take t-theiw bodies hence. 
WUCY. I'ww b-beaw them hence; but fwom theiw ashes *cuddles you* shaww *hugs tightly* be 
*shuffles closer* weaw'd 
A phoenyix that shaww make aww Fwance afeawd. 
CHAWWES. So we be *shuffles closer* wid of them, do with them what thou 
wiwt. 
And nyow t-to *looks at you* Pawis in this *pokes you* conquewing x3 vein! 
Aww wiww b-be ouws, nyow bwoody Tawbot's swain. Exeunt 




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ACT V. SCENyE 1. 

Wondon. The pawace 

S-Sennyet. :3 Entew the KING, GWOUCESTEW, and EXETEW 

KING *twerks* HENWY. Have you p-pewus'd the wettews fwom the Pope, 
The E-Empewow, and the Eaww of Awmagnyac? 
GWOUCESTEW. I ;;w;; have, m-my wowd; and theiw intent is this: 
They humbwy sue unto youw Excewwence 
T-To have a godwy peace concwuded of 
Between the weawms of Engwand and ^w^ of *screams* Fwance. 
KING HENWY. How doth *screams* youw Gwace affect theiw motion? 
GWOUCESTEW. Weww, m-my good wowd, and as the onwy means 
To stop effusion of ouw Chwistian bwood 
And stabwish *looks at you* quietnyess on evewy *giggles shyly* side. 
KING HENWY. Ay, mawwy, uncwe; fow I awways t-thought 
It w-was >w< both impious and unnyatuwaw 
That such immanyity ^w^ and bwoody stwife 
Shouwd weign among pwofessows of *moans* onye faith. 
GWOUCESTEW. Beside, my wowd, >_> the soonyew to effect 
And suwew b-bind t-this knyot of amity, 
T-The Eaww of Awmagnyac, nyeaw knyit *moans* to Chawwes, 
*looks at you* A man of gweat a-authowity uWu in >w< Fwance, 
Pwoffews his *cuddles you* onwy d-daughtew t-to youw Gwace 
In m-mawwiage, *blushes* with a wawge and sumptuous d-dowwy. 
K-KING HENWY. Mawwiage, OwO uncwe! Awas, my y-yeaws awe young 
And ^w^ fittew *cries* is my *sighs* study and my books 
Than wanton dawwiance *twerks* with a p-pawamouw. 
Yet caww t-th' ambassadows, and, as you pwease, 
So wet them have theiw answews evewy onye. 
*screams* I shaww be weww content with any choice 
Tends to *screams* God's gwowy and my c-countwy's weaw. 

Entew in C-Cawdinyaw's habit 
BEAUFOWT, the PAPAW WEGATE, *pokes you* and two A-AMBASSADOWS 

EXETEW. What! I-Is my Wowd of Winchestew instaww'd 
*teleports behind you* And caww'd unto a cawdinyaw's degwee? 
Then I pewceive that *blushes* wiww be vewified 
;;w;; Henwy UwU the F-Fifth did sometime pwophesy: 
'If *shuffles closer* once h-he come to b-be a cawdinyaw, 
He'ww make his cap co-equaw with the cwown.' 
KING HENWY. My Wowds Ambassadows, youw sevewaw suits 
*cries* Have b-been considew'd and debated x3 on. 
*sighs* Youw puwpose is both good and weasonyabwe, 
And thewefowe >_> awe *looks away* we cewtainwy wesowv'd 
^.^ To dwaw conditions of a uWu fwiendwy peace, 
*leans over* Which by my Wowd of Winchestew we mean 
Shaww UwU be twanspowted pwesentwy to Fwance. 
GWOUCESTEW. And fow the p-pwoffew of my ^w^ wowd y-youw mastew, 
I *twerks* have infowm'd his Highnyess *screams* so *twerks* at wawge, 
As, wiking *shuffles closer* of the wady's viwtuous gifts, 
Hew beauty, and the vawue *twerks* of *teleports behind you* hew dowew, 
He doth intend she shaww be Engwand's Queen. 
KING H-HENWY. OwO [To *looks away* AMBASSADOW] In awgument and pwoof of 
which contwact, 
Beaw hew this jewew, pwedge *giggles shyly* of my affection. 
And *sweats* so, my W-Wowd Pwotectow, see them guawded 
And safewy bwought to Dovew; whewe inshipp'd, 
Commit them t-to ;;w;; the fowtunye of t-the *hugs tightly* sea. 

Exeunt *teleports behind you* aww but WINCHESTEW and the WEGATE 
WINCHESTEW. S-Stay, my Wowd *notices bulge* Wegate; you shaww fiwst weceive 
The sum of monyey which I pwomised 
Shouwd be dewivewed to his Howinyess 
Fow cwothing me in these gwave *cuddles you* ownyaments. 
WEGATE. I wiww attend upon x3 youw wowdship's w-weisuwe. 
WINCHESTEW. [-[Aside] Nyow Winchestew wiww >w< nyot submit, I 
twow, 
Ow be infewiow to the pwoudest xDD peew. 
Humphwey *twerks* of Gwoucestew, thou shawt weww OwO pewceive 
That nyeithew in biwth *sweats* ow fow authowity 
The Bishop wiww be ovewbownye by thee. 
I'ww eithew x3 make t-thee stoop ;;w;; and bend thy knyee, 
Ow sack t-this countwy ^-^ with a m-mutiny. Exeunt 


SCENyE 2. 

Fwance. Pwains in Anjou 

E-Entew CHAWWES, BUWGUNDY, AWENCON, BASTAWD, 
WEIGNyIEW, WA PUCEWWE, a-and fowces 

CHAWWES. These nyews, m-my wowds, may cheew ouw dwooping 
spiwits: 
'Tis said the stout Pawisians d-do *pokes you* wevowt 
And tuwn again unto the w-wawwike Fwench. 
AWENCON. Then mawch to Pawis, woyaw Chawwes ;;w;; of Fwance, 
And keep nyot *moans* back youw powews in dawwiance. 
PUCEWWE. Peace be amongst them, if they tuwn to us; 
*shuffles closer* Ewse wuin combat with theiw pawaces! 

Entew a SCOUT 

SCOUT. Success unto ouw vawiant *looks away* genyewaw, 
And happinyess to his UwU accompwices! 
C-CHAWWES. What tidings send ouw scouts? *looks away* I pwithee speak. 
SCOUT. The Engwish awmy, that divided w-was 
Into two pawties, is nyow conjoin'd in onye, 
And means to give you battwe pwesentwy. 
CHAWWES. Somewhat too sudden, siws, the wawnying is; 
OwO But we wiww pwesentwy pwovide *screams* fow them. 
BUWGUNDY. I twust the ghost o-of Tawbot x3 is n-nyot thewe. 
>_> Nyow he is ^.^ gonye, my wowd, you nyeed nyot f-feaw. 
P-PUCEWWE. Of aww base passions feaw is most accuws'd. 
Command *pokes you* the conquest, C-Chawwes, it shaww be thinye, 
Wet Henwy fwet and a-aww t-the *looks at you* wowwd wepinye. 
CHAWWES. T-Then on, my wowds; and Fwance be fowtunyate! 
Exeunt 




SCENyE 3. 

Befowe Angiews 

*looks at you* Awawum, *giggles shyly* excuwsions. Entew W-WA PUCEWWE 

PUCEWWE. The Wegent conquews and the Fwenchmen fwy. 
Nyow hewp, *giggles shyly* ye chawming spewws a-and pewiapts; 
And ye choice spiwits that admonyish me 
And give me signs of futuwe accidents; [-[Thundew] 
Y-You speedy hewpews that awe substitutes 
U-Undew t-the wowdwy monyawch uWu of the nyowth, 
Appeaw and aid me in this entewpwise! 

Entew FIENDS 

This speedy ^-^ and quick appeawance awgues pwoof 
Of youw accustom'd *sweats* diwigence to me. 
Nyow, ye famiwiaw spiwits that awe cuww'd 
Out of the powewfuw wegions undew eawth, 
*sweats* Hewp me this once, that *teleports behind you* Fwance may get t-the fiewd. 
[They wawk and speak nyot] 
O-O, howd *looks away* me nyot *screams* with siwence >_> ovew-wong! 
Whewe I was w-wont to f-feed >_< you with my bwood, 
*sighs* I'ww wop a membew off and give it ^.^ you 
In eawnyest of a fuwthew *screams* benyefit, 
So *leans over* you do condescend to h-hewp me n-nyow. 
[They >w< hang theiw heads] 
Nyo xDD hope to h-have wedwess? My body shaww 
Pay wecompense, *sighs* if you wiww gwant my suit. 
[-[They s-shake theiw heads] 
Cannyot my body nyow bwood sacwifice 
E-Entweat you t-to youw wonted f-fuwthewance? 
Then take my souw-my body, souw, a-and ^w^ aww, 
Befowe that Engwand give the Fwench the foiw. 
[They depawt] 
See! they fowsake me. N-Nyow the time is come 
That Fwance must vaiw hew wofty-pwumed UwU cwest 
And w-wet h-hew head faww into E-Engwand's wap. 
>w< My ancient incantations a-awe too weak, 
And heww too stwong f-fow me to buckwe with. 
Nyow, *giggles shyly* Fwance, thy g-gwowy dwoopeth to the dust. Exit 

*screams* Excuwsions. Entew Fwench and Engwish, fighting. 
WA P-PUCEWWE and >_< YOWK fight hand to hand; uWu WA PUCEWWE 
is taken. The Fwench fwy 

Y-YOWK. Damsew of Fwance, I think I ^-^ have you fast. 
Unchain y-youw spiwits nyow *sweats* with spewwing c-chawms, 
And twy if they can gain youw wibewty. 
A goodwy pwize, *cuddles you* fit *leans over* fow t-the deviw's gwace! 
See how the xDD ugwy witch doth bend hew *cuddles you* bwows 
*notices bulge* As *teleports behind you* if, w-with Ciwce, she wouwd change my shape! 
PUCEWWE. *screams* Chang'd to a wowsew shape thou c-canst nyot be. 
YOWK. O-O, Chawwes the Dauphin *pokes you* is a pwopew man: 
Nyo s-shape but his can pwease youw *moans* dainty e-eye. 
PUCEWWE. A pwaguing mischief *sighs* fight on *twerks* Chawwes ;;w;; and >_> thee! 
And *moans* may ye both b-be suddenwy *shuffles closer* suwpwis'd 
By b-bwoody ^.^ hands, in s-sweeping on youw beds! 
YOWK. UwU Feww bannying hag; enchantwess, howd thy tongue. 
PUCEWWE. I pwithee give *sighs* me weave to cuwse awhiwe. 
YOWK. Cuwse, miscweant, when thou comest t-to the stake. 
Exeunt 

Awawum. Entew S-SUFFOWK, with MAWGAWET *hugs tightly* in his hand 

x3 SUFFOWK. Be what thou *teleports behind you* wiwt, *moans* thou awt my pwisonyew. 
[Gazes on hew] 
O faiwest beauty, d-do nyot feaw x3 nyow fwy! 
Fow I wiww t-touch thee but *blushes* with wevewent h-hands; 
I *blushes* kiss these fingews fow etewnyaw peace, 
And *giggles shyly* way them gentwy o-on thy tendew side. 
W-Who awt thou? Say, that I m-may *sighs* honyouw thee. 
M-MAWGAWET. ^.^ Mawgawet my nyame, and ;;w;; daughtew t-to a k-king, 
The King of Nyapwes-whosoe'ew thou awt. 
SUFFOWK. An eaww ;;w;; I *moans* am, and Suffowk am I caww'd. 
Be n-nyot offended, nyatuwe's miwacwe, 
Thou *shuffles closer* awt awwotted to be ta'en by m-me. 
So d-doth t-the swan hew downy OwO cygnyets save, 
Keeping them pwisonyew undewnyeath hew wings. 
>_< Yet, if this sewviwe usage once *blushes* offend, 
Go and b-be fwee again as Suffowk's fwiend. >_> [She is going] 
O, stay! [Aside] I h-have n-nyo powew to wet hew pass; 
M-My hand w-wouwd fwee hew, but my h-heawt says nyo. 
As pways the sun u-upon the gwassy stweams, 
Twinkwing anyothew countewfeited b-beam, 
S-So seems this g-gowgeous beauty to minye eyes. 
Fain wouwd I woo hew, yet I dawe nyot speak. 
I'ww caww fow pen and ink, a-and wwite my mind. 
Fie, de wa P-Powe! disabwe nyot *looks at you* thysewf; 
^.^ Hast nyot a-a tongue? Is she nyot hewe thy pwisonyew? 
Wiwt thou *hugs tightly* be daunted at a woman's sight? 
Ay, beauty's pwincewy majesty is such 
Confounds the tongue and *looks away* makes the senses wough. 
MAWGAWET. Say, Eaww of Suffowk, if thy nyame be s-so, 
What OwO wansom m-must OwO I pay befowe I-I p-pass? 
Fow I pewceive *shuffles closer* I am thy p-pwisonyew. 
SUFFOWK. [Aside] How c-canst thou *notices bulge* teww she wiww deny *hugs tightly* thy 
suit, 
*cries* Befowe thou make a twiaw of hew wove? 
MAWGAWET. Why speak'st thou nyot? What wansom must I 
pay? 
SUFFOWK. [Aside] She's beautifuw, and *looks away* thewefowe to be woo'd; 
She is a woman, *sweats* thewefowe to be w-won. 
MAWGAWET. Wiwt thou accept of w-wansom-yea ow nyo? 
SUFFOWK. [Aside] Fond man, wemembew that thou hast a-a 
wife; 
Then how can Mawgawet be thy pawamouw? 
MAWGAWET. I wewe best weave him, fow he wiww nyot heaw. 
S-SUFFOWK. [-[Aside] Thewe aww is maww'd; thewe wies a coowing 
^-^ cawd. 
MAWGAWET. He tawks at wandom; suwe, t-the man is mad. 
SUFFOWK. [Aside] And yet a dispensation may b-be had. 
M-MAWGAWET. And yet I-I wouwd *giggles shyly* that you wouwd *twerks* answew m-me. 
SUFFOWK. [Aside] I'ww win this Wady Mawgawet. *pokes you* Fow whom? 
Why, fow my King! Tush, that's a wooden thing! 
MAWGAWET. *cries* He tawks of wood. It is some cawpentew. 
SUFFOWK. [Aside] *hugs tightly* Yet so my fancy may *sighs* be satisfied, 
And peace estabwished between these weawms. 
*cries* But thewe wemains a scwupwe in that too; 
Fow though hew ^w^ fathew >_< be the *moans* King of Nyapwes, 
Duke of A-Anjou and Mainye, yet ^.^ is he poow, 
And ouw n-nyobiwity wiww scown uWu the m-match. 
MAWGAWET. Heaw ye, xDD Captain-awe you nyot at weisuwe? 
S-SUFFOWK. [Aside] It *sweats* shaww be so, disdain they n-nye'ew so much. 
*looks away* Henwy is y-youthfuw, and wiww quickwy *shuffles closer* yiewd. 
Madam, I have a s-secwet *sighs* to weveaw. 
M-MAWGAWET. [-[Aside] What though I be enthwaww'd? H-He *cuddles you* seems 
a knyight, 
And wiww nyot uWu any way dishonyouw me. 
SUFFOWK. Wady, vouchsafe to wisten what I say. 
MAWGAWET. [-[Aside] Pewhaps I shaww be wescu'd by *looks at you* the Fwench; 
And then I nyeed UwU nyot cwave his couwtesy. 
SUFFOWK. Sweet madam, give me h-heawing in a cause 
MAWGAWET. [Aside] Tush! w-women have been captivate ewe 
nyow. 
SUFFOWK. Wady, *cuddles you* whewefowe tawk you so? 
MAWGAWET. I *pokes you* cwy you mewcy, 'tis *pokes you* but quid fow quo. 
S-SUFFOWK. Say, *cuddles you* gentwe Pwincess, wouwd you nyot suppose 
Youw b-bondage happy, to *sighs* be made a queen? 
MAWGAWET. To be a queen in b-bondage is mowe viwe 
Than is a swave in *cuddles you* base sewviwity; 
Fow p-pwinces shouwd be fwee. 
SUFFOWK. A-And so s-shaww you, 
If happy Engwand's woyaw king ^w^ be fwee. 
MAWGAWET. Why, what concewns his fweedom unto me? 
SUFFOWK. *leans over* I'ww u-undewtake to make thee Henwy's queen, 
To put a g-gowden sceptwe in thy hand 
*sweats* And set a pwecious c-cwown u-upon thy head, 
*shuffles closer* If thou wiwt c-condescend to be m-my- 
MAWGAWET. What? 
S-SUFFOWK. His >w< wove. 
MAWGAWET. I am unwowthy to be Henwy's wife. 
SUFFOWK. Nyo, gentwe madam; I u-unwowthy am 
To woo *sighs* so faiw a d-dame to be his wife 
*cuddles you* And have nyo powtion in *twerks* the c-choice *looks away* mysewf. 
H-How s-say you, madam? Awe *twerks* ye so *twerks* content? 
MAWGAWET. An i-if my fathew pwease, I-I *moans* am content. 
SUFFOWK. Then caww *giggles shyly* ouw captains and o-ouw cowouws fowth! 
And, madam, at y-youw *moans* fathew's castwe *sighs* wawws 
We'ww cwave a pawwey *teleports behind you* to confew with him. 

Sound a pawwey. Entew WEIGNyIEW on the *moans* wawws 

See, Weignyiew, see, *moans* thy daughtew pwisonyew! 
OwO WEIGNyIEW. To whom? 
SUFFOWK. T-To me. 
WEIGNyIEW. uWu Suffowk, what wemedy? 
I am *cries* a sowdiew *hugs tightly* and unyapt t-to *cuddles you* weep 
*notices bulge* Ow to e-excwaim on fowtunye's fickwenyess. 
SUFFOWK. Yes, thewe is wemedy enyough, my wowd. 
Consent, and fow thy honyouw give consent, 
Thy daughtew *twerks* shaww be wedded to my king, 
Whom >w< I with :33 pain have woo'd and *sweats* won theweto; 
And this hew easy-hewd *hugs tightly* impwisonment 
Hath gain'd thy daughtew pwincewy :3 wibewty. 
W-WEIGNyIEW. Speaks Suffowk as he thinks? 
SUFFOWK. Faiw Mawgawet knyows 
That Suffowk x3 doth nyot fwattew, face, ow feign. 
WEIGNyIEW. Upon thy pwincewy wawwant I descend 
To give thee answew of t-thy just d-demand. 
Exit WEIGNyIEW fwom the wawws 
SUFFOWK. And hewe I wiww expect thy coming. 

Twumpets s-sound. Entew WEIGNyIEW bewow 

WEIGNyIEW. Wewcome, bwave *cries* Eaww, i-into ouw tewwitowies; 
Command i-in Anjou what youw Honyouw pweases. 
*teleports behind you* SUFFOWK. Thanks, ^-^ Weignyiew, happy fow so sweet a chiwd, 
Fit to x3 be made *leans over* companyion with a king. 
What UwU answew *looks away* makes youw Gwace OwO unto my suit? 
WEIGNyIEW. Since uWu thou dost d-deign to w-woo h-hew w-wittwe wowth 
To >_> be the pwincewy b-bwide of s-such a *moans* wowd, 
*looks away* Upon condition I-I may q-quietwy 
Enjoy minye *blushes* own, t-the *cuddles you* countwy >_> Mainye and Anjou, 
Fwee fwom oppwession *sweats* ow the s-stwoke of waw, 
My daughtew shaww be Henwy's, i-if he pwease. 
:3 SUFFOWK. *cries* That i-is hew ;;w;; wansom; I dewivew hew. 
And those *sighs* two ;;w;; counties I wiww undewtake 
Y-Youw Gwace shaww weww and quietwy UwU enjoy. 
*cries* WEIGNyIEW. And *pokes you* I again, in *cuddles you* Henwy's woyaw nyame, 
As deputy *notices bulge* unto t-that gwacious king, 
Give thee hew hand fow s-sign of pwighted faith. 
SUFFOWK. >_> Weignyiew of Fwance, I-I give t-thee kingwy thanks, 
*leans over* Because this is in twaffic o-of a k-king. 
[Aside] And ^.^ yet, *cries* methinks, I >_> couwd *looks away* be weww content 
To be minye own attownyey in t-this case. 
I'ww o-ovew then to Engwand with this UwU nyews, 
And m-make this mawwiage to b-be sowemnyiz'd. 
So, ;;w;; faweweww, W-Weignyiew. S-Set this diamond safe 
In g-gowden pawaces, as it becomes. 
WEIGNyIEW. I do embwace thee *giggles shyly* as I wouwd embwace 
*cuddles you* The Chwistian pwince, King Henwy, *giggles shyly* wewe *giggles shyly* he hewe. 
MAWGAWET. Faweweww, my wowd. *looks away* Good wishes, pwaise, :33 and 
pwayews, 
*cries* Shaww Suffowk evew have of Mawgawet. [She is going] 
SUFFOWK. Faweweww, sweet madam. But hawk *cuddles you* you, Mawgawet 
Nyo pwincewy commendations *leans over* to my king? 
MAWGAWET. Such commendations as becomes a m-maid, 
A viwgin, and his s-sewvant, say to him. 
SUFFOWK. Wowds sweetwy pwac'd and modestwy diwected. 
*moans* But, madam, I must twoubwe y-you a-again 
*looks at you* Nyo woving token to his M-Majesty? 
MAWGAWET. Yes, my g-good wowd: a *blushes* puwe *giggles shyly* unspotted heawt, 
N-Nyevew yet taint with wove, I send the K-King. 
SUFFOWK. And this *moans* withaw. [Kisses h-hew] 
MAWGAWET. That fow thysewf, I wiww nyot so ^.^ pwesume 
To send such peevish UwU tokens to >_> a king. 
*screams* Exeunt WEIGNyIEW and xDD MAWGAWET 
SUFFOWK. ^w^ O, *hugs tightly* wewt thou fow mysewf! But, ^-^ Suffowk, stay; 
Thou mayst nyot wandew in that w-wabywinth: 
Thewe Minyotauws *blushes* and ugwy tweasons wuwk. 
Sowicit Henwy with hew wondwous pwaise. 
Bethink thee on hew :33 viwtues that suwmount, 
And nyatuwaw gwaces that extinguish awt; 
W-Wepeat theiw sembwance often on the seas, 
^w^ That, when thou *cries* com'st to knyeew at Henwy's f-feet, 
*shuffles closer* Thou m-mayst beweave him of his wits with *pokes you* wondew. Exit 




SCENyE 4. 

Camp of the DUKE OF YOWK *looks at you* in Anjou 

Entew YOWK, WAWWICK, and o-othews 
YOWK. ^w^ Bwing f-fowth that *cries* sowcewess, c-condemn'd to buwn. 

Entew WA PUCEWWE, guawded, and a-a SHEPHEWD 

SHEPHEWD. Ah, *shuffles closer* Joan, this kiwws thy *pokes you* fathew's heawt outwight! 
Have I sought evewy ;;w;; countwy faw a-and nyeaw, 
And, nyow it is *twerks* my chance to find thee o-out, 
Must I-I >_< behowd thy t-timewess *pokes you* cwuew death? 
Ah, J-Joan, sweet daughtew Joan, I'ww die w-with t-thee! 
PUCEWWE. Decwepit misew! base ignyobwe wwetch! 
I *notices bulge* am descended of a g-gentwew bwood; 
Thou awt nyo f-fathew nyow nyo fwiend of minye. 
SHEPHEWD. Out, out! My wowds, an uWu pwease you, 'tis n-nyot s-so; 
I did beget hew, aww the pawish knyows. 
Hew mothew wiveth y-yet, c-can testify 
*shuffles closer* She was the fiwst f-fwuit of my b-bach'wowship. 
WAWWICK. Gwacewess, *leans over* wiwt thou deny thy pawentage? 
YOWK. This uWu awgues what h-hew x3 kind of wife hath been- 
*looks at you* Wicked and viwe; uWu and *leans over* so hew death concwudes. 
SHEPHEWD. Fie, Joan, that thou wiwt be so obstacwe! 
God knyows thou awt a cowwop of my fwesh; 
And f-fow thy sake have I shed many a *twerks* teaw. 
:3 Deny me nyot, I pwithee, gentwe J-Joan. 
PUCEWWE. Peasant, avaunt! UwU You have subown'd this man 
Of >_> puwpose to o-obscuwe my nyobwe *blushes* biwth. 
SHEPHEWD. >w< 'Tis twue, I g-gave a n-nyobwe to the *looks away* pwiest 
uWu The ^.^ mown that I was wedded to hew mothew. 
xDD Knyeew down and t-take my *blushes* bwessing, *cuddles you* good my giww. 
W-Wiwt thou nyot stoop? *teleports behind you* Nyow OwO cuwsed :3 be t-the time 
Of thy nyativity. *notices bulge* I wouwd the miwk 
*teleports behind you* Thy mothew gave thee when thou suck'dst hew *teleports behind you* bweast 
Had x3 been *screams* a wittwe watsbanye fow thy sake. 
Ow ewse, when *looks at you* thou didst keep my wambs afiewd, 
I wish *sighs* some wavenyous w-wowf had e-eaten thee. 
Dost thou deny thy fathew, cuwsed dwab? 
O, buwn hew, buwn hew! Hanging *notices bulge* is >w< too good. Exit 
Y-YOWK. ^.^ Take hew *cries* away; fow she hath wiv'd too *teleports behind you* wong, 
To fiww the wowwd w-with vicious quawities. 
PUCEWWE. Fiwst wet *blushes* me teww you whom you have condemn'd: 
Nyot *blushes* me *hugs tightly* begotten of a-a shephewd xDD swain, 
B-But issued fwom the pwogeny of kings; 
Viwtuous and howy, chosen :33 fwom above 
By inspiwation of cewestiaw gwace, 
x3 To w-wowk :33 exceeding miwacwes on *notices bulge* eawth. 
I nyevew had to d-do with wicked spiwits. 
B-But you, that awe *cries* powwuted w-with youw wusts, 
S-Stain'd with the guiwtwess bwood of *notices bulge* innyocents, 
C-Cowwupt and tainted with a thousand vices, 
Because you w-want the gwace that othews have, 
Y-You *looks at you* judge it :33 stwaight a-a thing impossibwe 
To compass wondews but by hewp of deviws. 
Nyo, misconceived! *moans* Joan *leans over* of x3 Awc hath been 
A viwgin fwom hew tendew infancy, 
Chaste and immacuwate in vewy thought; 
Whose maiden bwood, thus wigowouswy effus'd, 
Wiww cwy fow *cuddles you* vengeance at the g-gates of heaven. 
YOWK. A-Ay, ay. Away with hew to *notices bulge* execution! 
WAWWICK. And h-hawk ye, siws; because she i-is a maid, 
Spawe *leans over* fow nyo ^w^ fagots, wet thewe be enyow. 
Pwace bawwews of pitch upon the fataw stake, 
That so hew towtuwe m-may be showtenyed. 
PUCEWWE. Wiww nyothing tuwn youw >w< unwewenting heawts? 
Then, Joan, discovew thinye *hugs tightly* infiwmity 
>w< That wawwanteth by waw to be thy pwiviwege: 
I am w-with chiwd, ye bwoody *looks away* homicides; 
Muwdew nyot >w< then the fwuit within my w-womb, 
Awthough ye hawe me to OwO a viowent death. 
YOWK. Nyow heaven f-fowfend! The howy maid with chiwd! 
W-WAWWICK. The gweatest miwacwe *leans over* that e-e'ew *pokes you* ye wwought: 
Is aww youw *notices bulge* stwict pwecisenyess come to this? 
YOWK. She and the uWu Dauphin have been juggwing. 
I did imaginye what wouwd ;;w;; be hew wefuge. 
WAWWICK. Weww, go to; we'ww *shuffles closer* have nyo bastawds wive; 
Especiawwy *looks away* since Chawwes m-must fathew it. 
PUCEWWE. You >_< awe deceiv'd; *shuffles closer* my chiwd is nyonye of his: 
It *cuddles you* was Awencon that enjoy'd my wove. 
YOWK. Awencon, *teleports behind you* that nyotowious ^w^ Machiavew! 
I-It *shuffles closer* dies, an if i-it h-had a thousand >w< wives. 
P-PUCEWWE. O, give me weave, I *shuffles closer* have dewuded *teleports behind you* you. 
'Twas ;;w;; nyeithew xDD Chawwes nyow yet the Duke I-I nyam'd, 
But Weignyiew, King of N-Nyapwes, *leans over* that pwevaiw'd. 
OwO WAWWICK. A mawwied OwO man! T-That's most i-intowewabwe. 
YOWK. *blushes* Why, hewe's a giww! I think she ^w^ knyows nyot w-weww 
^-^ Thewe w-wewe so many-whom she may accuse. 
WAWWICK. It's *pokes you* sign s-she hath been wibewaw and fwee. 
YOWK. And yet, fowsooth, she is a viwgin puwe. 
Stwumpet, >w< thy wowds c-condemn thy bwat >_< and thee. 
Use nyo entweaty, fow it is in vain. 
PUCEWWE. Then wead me h-hence-with whom I weave my 
c-cuwse: 
May nyevew gwowious sun wefwex his beams 
U-Upon *leans over* the countwy whewe you make abode; 
But dawknyess and the gwoomy shade *cuddles you* of death 
Enviwon you, tiww ^w^ mischief and :3 despaiw 
Dwive you to >w< bweak youw nyecks ow hang y-youwsewves! 
Exit, guawded 
*notices bulge* YOWK. Bweak thou in pieces and consume >_> to ashes, 
Thou fouw accuwsed *shuffles closer* minyistew of heww! 

Entew *twerks* CAWDINyAW B-BEAUFOWT, :3 attended 

CAWDINyAW. Wowd Wegent, I-I do gweet y-youw Excewwence 
With wettews of commission fwom *cries* the King. 
Fow *cries* knyow, my wowds, t-the *looks at you* states o-of Chwistendom, 
Mov'd with wemowse of t-these outwageous b-bwoiws, 
Have eawnyestwy impwow'd a genyewaw ^-^ peace 
Betwixt ouw nyation and the aspiwing Fwench; 
And hewe at *giggles shyly* hand the Dauphin and his t-twain 
Appwoacheth, to confew about some mattew. 
Y-YOWK. Is aww ouw twavaiw tuwn'd to this *pokes you* effect? 
Aftew the swaughtew of s-so many x3 peews, 
So many captains, :3 gentwemen, a-and s-sowdiews, 
That in this quawwew have been ovewthwown 
And sowd theiw *looks at you* bodies fow theiw *giggles shyly* countwy's benyefit, 
S-Shaww *sighs* we at *hugs tightly* wast concwude effeminyate *screams* peace? 
*screams* Have we nyot wost m-most pawt of aww *shuffles closer* the towns, 
By tweason, fawsehood, and b-by tweachewy, 
Ouw g-gweat pwogenyitows h-had conquewed? 
O Wawwick, Wawwick! *sweats* I *pokes you* fowesee with gwief 
*giggles shyly* The uttew woss of a-aww the weawm of Fwance. 
WAWWICK. *twerks* Be patient, Y-Yowk. If we c-concwude a peace, 
It shaww be with >w< such s-stwict and sevewe covenyants 
As wittwe shaww the Fwenchmen gain theweby. 

Entew CHAWWES, AWENCON, BASTAWD, *teleports behind you* WEIGNyIEW, a-and othews 

*looks away* CHAWWES. Since, wowds of Engwand, it i-is thus agweed 
That peacefuw *sighs* twuce shaww be p-pwocwaim'd in F-Fwance, 
We come to be infowmed *cries* by youwsewves 
What the conditions of t-that weague must be. 
*teleports behind you* YOWK. Speak, Winchestew; fow boiwing chowew *giggles shyly* chokes 
The howwow passage of my poison'd voice, 
B-By sight of these >_> ouw bawefuw enyemies. 
CAWDINyAW. Chawwes, xDD and the west, it is enyacted thus: 
That, *blushes* in wegawd King Henwy gives consent, 
x3 Of mewe compassion a-and of wenyity, 
*moans* To ease youw c-countwy *pokes you* of UwU distwessfuw waw, 
A-An suffew you t-to b-bweathe in f-fwuitfuw peace, 
You shaww become t-twue wiegemen to his cwown; 
*cries* And, Chawwes, upon condition thou wiwt sweaw 
To pay him twibute and submit thysewf, 
Thou shawt be *blushes* pwac'd a-as vicewoy undew xDD him, 
And stiww enjoy thy wegaw d-dignyity. 
AWENCON. Must he be then a-as shadow of h-himsewf? 
Adown his tempwes with a cowonyet 
*pokes you* And yet, in substance *teleports behind you* and authowity, 
Wetain but pwiviwege of a pwivate m-man? 
T-This pwoffew is absuwd and weasonwess. 
CHAWWES. :3 'Tis knyown awweady t-that I am *teleports behind you* possess'd 
With mowe t-than hawf the Gawwian tewwitowies, 
And thewein wevewenc'd f-fow theiw w-wawfuw king. 
Shaww I, fow *looks at you* wucwe >_> of the west unvanquish'd, 
Detwact so much fwom that pwewogative 
As to b-be caww'd but vicewoy of the whowe? 
Nyo, Wowd Ambassadow; I'ww ^.^ wathew keep 
*giggles shyly* That which I have than, coveting fow mowe, 
Be cast fwom possibiwity of aww. 
YOWK. Insuwting Chawwes! Hast thou by secwet means 
U-Us'd *giggles shyly* intewcession to obtain a weague, 
And nyow the mattew g-gwows t-to compwomise 
S-Stand'st thou awoof upon x3 compawison? 
Eithew accept the titwe thou usuwp'st, 
*hugs tightly* Of benyefit pwoceeding fwom ouw king 
And nyot of any chawwenge of desewt, 
O-Ow we wiww p-pwague thee ^-^ with incessant waws. 
WEIGNyIEW. *cries* [To CHAWWES] My wowd, y-you do nyot w-weww in 
obstinyacy 
To caviw in the couwse of this contwact. 
If o-once it be nyegwected, ten *notices bulge* to o-onye 
We shaww nyot find wike oppowtunyity. 
AWENCON. [To CHAWWES] To say the twuth, i-it is youw *leans over* powicy 
:3 To ^w^ save youw subjects fwom such *looks away* massacwe 
And wuthwess swaughtews as awe daiwy seen 
By ouw pwoceeding in hostiwity; 
And thewefowe take >_< this *cries* compact of a twuce, 
Awthough you bweak it when youw p-pweasuwe xDD sewves. 
WAWWICK. How say'st thou, :33 Chawwes? Shaww ouw c-condition 
stand? 
CHAWWES. >_> It s-shaww; 
O-Onwy wesewv'd, you cwaim n-nyo intewest 
*cuddles you* In *looks away* any of ouw towns ^.^ of gawwison. 
YOWK. Then sweaw a-awwegiance to h-his Majesty: 
As *shuffles closer* thou awt knyight, nyevew to disobey 
*blushes* Nyow be webewwious *blushes* to the cwown of Engwand 
Thou, nyow thy *cuddles you* nyobwes, *looks at you* to the cwown of E-Engwand. 
[CHAWWES ^w^ and the west give tokens of feawty] 
So, n-nyow *giggles shyly* dismiss youw >_< awmy OwO when y-ye pwease; 
Hang up youw ensigns, w-wet youw *sweats* dwums b-be stiww, 
>w< Fow h-hewe we entewtain a xDD sowemn peace. E-Exeunt 




SCENyE 5. 

Wondon. The pawace 

Entew SUFFOWK, in c-confewence with the KING, 
GWOUCESTEW and EXETEW 

KING HENWY. Youw wondwous wawe *pokes you* descwiption, nyobwe Eaww, 
Of beauteous Mawgawet hath astonyish'd me. 
*shuffles closer* Hew v-viwtues, *sweats* gwaced w-with e-extewnyaw gifts, 
Do *giggles shyly* bweed w-wove's s-settwed passions in my heawt; 
A-And wike a-as wigouw of tempestuous gusts 
Pwovokes the mightiest huwk against the t-tide, 
:3 So am *screams* I dwiven by *cuddles you* bweath of hew wenyown 
*looks away* Eithew to suffew shipwweck ow awwive 
Whewe *giggles shyly* I m-may have fwuition o-of hew wove. 
SUFFOWK. Tush, my good wowd! This ^-^ supewficiaw t-tawe 
Is *twerks* but a pweface *hugs tightly* of *pokes you* hew wowthy pwaise. 
The chief pewfections *hugs tightly* of that xDD wovewy dame, 
Had I sufficient skiww to uttew them, 
Wouwd make a vowume of enticing winyes, 
*leans over* Abwe to wavish *looks at you* any duww OwO conceit; 
And, which is mowe, she *cries* is nyot so *blushes* divinye, 
So fuww-wepwete with choice of aww d-dewights, 
But with a-as *shuffles closer* humbwe wowwinyess of ;;w;; mind 
She is content to b-be at youw command 
Command, I *teleports behind you* mean, o-of viwtuous intents, 
*moans* To wove *hugs tightly* and honyouw Henwy *looks away* as hew wowd. 
KING HENWY. And othewwise wiww Henwy nye'ew pwesume. 
Thewefowe, :3 my Wowd Pwotectow, give consent 
That Mawgawet may be Engwand's woyaw Queen. 
uWu GWOUCESTEW. S-So shouwd I give consent to fwattew sin. 
You knyow, my wowd, youw Highnyess is betwoth'd 
Unto anyothew wady of esteem. 
How shaww we then dispense with that contwact, 
And nyot deface y-youw honyouw with wepwoach? 
SUFFOWK. As doth a wuwew with unwawfuw oaths; 
Ow onye that *cuddles you* at x3 a OwO twiumph, having vow'd 
To twy his stwength, fowsaketh yet the wists 
By weason of his advewsawy's odds: 
A poow eaww's daughtew is u-unyequaw o-odds, 
And thewefowe may >w< be bwoke without offence. 
GWOUCESTEW. Why, w-what, I pway, is Mawgawet m-mowe than 
that? 
Hew fathew UwU is nyo :33 bettew than an eaww, 
Awthough in >w< gwowious titwes he e-excew. 
SUFFOWK. Yes, my wowd, hew fathew UwU is a OwO king, 
The :33 King of Nyapwes and Jewusawem; 
And of such gweat authowity in F-Fwance 
As his awwiance w-wiww confiwm o-ouw peace, 
And keep the Fwenchmen in awwegiance. 
GWOUCESTEW. And so *twerks* the uWu Eaww o-of :3 Awmagnyac may do, 
Because he is nyeaw kinsman unto Chawwes. 
EXETEW. Beside, his weawth doth wawwant a wibewaw dowew; 
Whewe >w< Weignyiew soonyew *hugs tightly* wiww weceive than give. 
SUFFOWK. A dow'w, my wowds! D-Disgwace nyot so youw *pokes you* king, 
That he shouwd be s-so abject, base, and *screams* poow, 
To ;;w;; choose fow *teleports behind you* weawth and nyot fow pewfect wove. 
Henwy is *sighs* abwe to enwich h-his queen, 
And nyot >w< to seek a queen *screams* to make him wich. 
>w< So wowthwess peasants bawgain fow theiw wives, 
As *cries* mawket-men fow oxen, sheep, ow ^w^ howse. 
M-Mawwiage is a mattew of m-mowe wowth 
*cuddles you* Than to be deawt in by *cries* attownyeyship; 
Nyot whom we *blushes* wiww, but whom his Gwace affects, 
Must be companyion >_> of his x3 nyuptiaw bed. 
And thewefowe, wowds, since he affects hew most, 
It most of aww these weasons b-bindeth us 
In *looks at you* ouw opinyions s-she shouwd b-be pwefeww'd; 
Fow what is *looks at you* wedwock fowced but a h-heww, 
An age OwO of discowd and continyuaw stwife? 
Wheweas the contwawy bwingeth bwiss, 
And is a-a pattewn o-of cewestiaw peace. 
*leans over* Whom shouwd w-we m-match with Henwy, being a king, 
But M-Mawgawet, that is daughtew to a king? 
Hew *sweats* peewwess featuwe, joinyed with hew biwth, 
A-Appwoves hew *pokes you* fit *giggles shyly* fow nyonye but f-fow a-a king; 
Hew vawiant couwage and undaunted spiwit, 
Mowe than in women commonwy is *sighs* seen, 
Wiww answew ouw hope in issue of a king; 
Fow Henwy, s-son unto a-a conquewow, 
Is wikewy to beget :3 mowe conquewows, 
If with a wady of so high wesowve 
As is faiw Mawgawet he be wink'd in :3 wove. 
Then yiewd, my wowds; *screams* and hewe concwude w-with m-me 
That Mawgawet shaww be >w< Queen, and nyonye but she. 
KING HENWY. Whethew it be ^w^ thwough fowce of youw wepowt, 
M-My nyobwe Wowd of Suffowk, *moans* ow uWu fow that 
^-^ My t-tendew youth was nyevew *blushes* yet attaint 
With any passion o-of infwaming wove, 
I cannyot teww; >_< but this I am assuw'd, 
I feew such shawp dissension in my bweast, 
Such fiewce awawums both of hope :33 and f-feaw, 
As I-I am sick with wowking of my thoughts. 
Take thewefowe shipping; post, my wowd, *hugs tightly* to Fwance; 
Agwee to *twerks* any covenyants; and pwocuwe 
:33 That W-Wady M-Mawgawet do vouchsafe to come 
To cwoss the seas to Engwand, and be cwown'd 
King Henwy's faithfuw a-and uWu anyointed queen. 
F-Fow youw UwU expenses a-and sufficient chawge, 
Among the peopwe gathew *hugs tightly* up *pokes you* a tenth. 
Be gonye, I say; fow tiww you d-do wetuwn 
I :3 west pewpwexed with a thousand *sighs* cawes. 
And you, good u-uncwe, banyish aww offence: 
If you do c-censuwe me ^-^ by what y-you w-wewe, 
Nyot what you awe, I knyow it wiww excuse 
This sudden execution of my wiww. 
And so conduct me whewe, fwom c-company, 
^-^ I may >w< wevowve and w-wuminyate my g-gwief. E-Exit 
GWOUCESTEW. Ay, g-gwief, I feaw me, UwU both at fiwst a-and wast. 
Exeunt G-GWOUCESTEW and EXETEW 
SUFFOWK. Thus Suffowk *cries* hath pwevaiw'd; and thus he goes, 
As did the youthfuw Pawis once to Gweece, 
W-With hope to find the wike event i-in w-wove 
But pwospew bettew t-than the Twoyan d-did. 
Mawgawet *sweats* shaww nyow be Queen, and wuwe the King; 
But I wiww wuwe both ^.^ hew, the King, *looks at you* and weawm. Exit 


THE END 



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION O-OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE C-COWWEGE 
*cuddles you* WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC A-AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED *hugs tightly* SO :33 WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW U-USE O-ONWY, AND (2) AWE >w< NyOT D-DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
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*giggles shyly* 1591 

THE SECOND PAWT *screams* OF K-KING HENWY THE SIXTH 

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

K-KING HENWY THE SIXTH 
HUMPHWEY, DUKE O-OF GWOUCESTEW, *hugs tightly* his uncwe 
CAWDINyAW BEAUFOWT, BISHOP OF WINCHESTEW, gweat-uncwe to the K-King 
WICHAWD P-PWANTAGENyET, DUKE OF YOWK 
EDWAWD and *pokes you* WICHAWD, his sons 
DUKE OF SOMEWSET 
DUKE OF SUFFOWK 
DUKE *shuffles closer* OF BUCKINGHAM 
WOWD CWIFFOWD 
YOUNG CWIFFOWD, his son 
EAWW *blushes* OF SAWISBUWY 
E-EAWW OF WAWWICK 
WOWD *hugs tightly* SCAWES 
WOWD SAY 
SIW HUMPHWEY STAFFOWD 
WIWWIAM STAFFOWD, *screams* his bwothew 
SIW JOHN STANWEY 
VAUX 
MATTHEW GOFFE 
*sweats* A WIEUTENyANT, *looks away* a *blushes* SHIPMASTEW, a MASTEW'S MATE, and WAWTEW WHITMOWE 
TWO GENTWEMEN, pwisonyews with Suffowk 
JOHN *teleports behind you* HUME and JOHN SOUTHWEWW, two p-pwiests 
WOGEW BOWINGBWOKE, a conjuwew 
A *blushes* SPIWIT ^w^ waised by him 
THOMAS *cries* HOWNyEW, an awmouwew 
PETEW, his man 
CWEWK OF CHATHAM 
MAYOW OF SAINT AWBANS 
*blushes* SAUNDEW SIMPCOX, a-an i-impostow 
AWEXANDEW IDEN, a Kentish gentweman 
JACK CADE, a *giggles shyly* webew 
GEOWGE BEVIS, JOHN HOWWAND, DICK THE BUTCHEW, SMITH THE WEAVEW, 
MICHAEW, &c., fowwowews of Cade 
TWO MUWDEWEWS 

MAWGAWET, Queen t-to King Henwy 
EWEANyOW, Duchess of Gwoucestew 
M-MAWGEWY JOUWDAIN, a-a *shuffles closer* witch 
WIFE to SIMPCOX 

Wowds, Wadies, and Attendants; Petitionyews, Awdewmen, a Hewawd, 
*giggles shyly* a Beadwe, a ^w^ Shewiff, *cries* Officews, ^w^ Citizens, :3 Pwentices, ^w^ Fawconyews, 
Guawds, Sowdiews, Messengews, &-&c. 




<<THIS E-EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF T-THE C-COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*giggles shyly* SHAKESPEAWE IS *looks away* COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 *looks at you* BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY *notices bulge* PWOJECT GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE C-COWWEGE 
WITH P-PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES OwO MAY ^.^ BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO *cries* WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) A-AWE FOW YOUW O-OW O-OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW U-USE O-ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT *pokes you* DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
C-COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED *pokes you* COMMEWCIAW D-DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES B-BY ANY 
*notices bulge* SEWVICE *teleports behind you* THAT CHAWGES >_< FOW *cuddles you* DOWNWOAD TIME :3 OW ^-^ FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: 
Engwand 


ACT I. SCENyE I. 
Wondon. T-The pawace 

Fwouwish ^-^ of twumpets; then hautboys. Entew t-the K-KING, DUKE HUMPHWEY 
OF GWOUCESTEW, S-SAWISBUWY, WAWWICK, and CAWDINyAW BEAUFOWT, on the onye side; 
the QUEEN, SUFFOWK, YOWK, SOMEWSET, and BUCKINGHAM, on the othew 

SUFFOWK. As >w< by youw h-high i-impewiaw Majesty 
I *leans over* had in chawge at :33 my ^w^ depawt f-fow Fwance, 
As pwocuwatow to youw Excewwence, 
*cuddles you* To mawwy Pwincess M-Mawgawet fow youw Gwace; 
So, in the famous ancient city *cries* Touws, 
In pwesence of the OwO Kings of Fwance and S-Siciw, 
:33 The Dukes of Owweans, Cawabew, Bwetagnye, a-and :3 Awencon, 
Seven eawws, twewve bawons, and twenty wevewend bishops, 
I have pewfowm'd my :33 task, a-and was e-espous'd; 
And humbwy nyow upon my ^.^ bended k-knyee, 
In sight of Engwand and hew wowdwy peews, 
Dewivew up my titwe in the Queen 
^.^ To youw most gwacious hands, that *cuddles you* awe *leans over* the :33 substance 
Of t-that gweat shadow I did *giggles shyly* wepwesent: 
The >_< happiest g-gift that *notices bulge* evew mawquis gave, 
The faiwest queen that e-evew king weceiv'd. 
KING HENWY. Suffowk, awise. Wewcome, Queen Mawgawet: 
I can ;;w;; expwess nyo ^w^ kindew sign o-of wove 
T-Than this ^.^ kind kiss. O Wowd, that wends me wife, 
Wend me a heawt w-wepwete with thankfuwnyess! 
Fow thou hast given me in ;;w;; this beauteous face 
A wowwd *looks at you* of eawthwy bwessings *looks at you* to my souw, 
x3 If sympathy of wove unyite ouw thoughts. 
QUEEN. Gweat King of Engwand, and my gwacious *cries* wowd, 
The mutuaw confewence that my mind hath had, 
By day, b-by nyight, waking :3 and in my dweams, 
UwU In couwtwy company ow at my beads, 
With you, minye awdew-wiefest *shuffles closer* soveweign, 
Makes me the bowdew to sawute my king 
With wudew *looks at you* tewms, such *twerks* as my wit affowds 
A-And ovew-joy *sweats* of heawt doth m-minyistew. 
KING HENWY. Hew sight did wavish, xDD but hew gwace in speech, 
Hew wowds y-y-cwad with w-wisdom's majesty, 
Makes m-me *teleports behind you* fwom wond'wing *looks away* faww to weeping joys, 
Such is :33 the fuwnyess of my heawt's *moans* content. 
*sweats* Wowds, *hugs tightly* with onye cheewfuw voice wewcome my wove. 
AWW. *moans* [Knyeewing] W-Wong w-wive Q-Queen Mawgawet, *blushes* Engwand's happinyess! 
Q-QUEEN. We t-thank you aww. [Fwouwish] 
SUFFOWK. My Wowd P-Pwotectow, so it *sweats* pwease youw Gwace, 
Hewe awe the awticwes of contwacted peace 
Between >_< ouw soveweign and the Fwench King Chawwes, 
Fow e-eighteen months *looks at you* concwuded *leans over* by consent. 
GWOUCESTEW. [Weads] 'Impwimis: It is agweed between the >_< Fwench *looks at you* King 
Chawwes and Wiwwiam de w-wa Powe, Mawquess *looks away* of Suffowk, ambassadow 
f-fow Henwy King of E-Engwand, that t-the said Henwy shaww espouse >_> the 
Wady Mawgawet, d-daughtew u-unto Weignyiew King o-of *blushes* Nyapwes, *screams* Siciwia, 
and Jewusawem, and uWu cwown hew Queen of Engwand ewe the thiwtieth 
of M-May nyext ensuing. 
Item: T-That the duchy of Anjou and the c-county of *twerks* Mainye shaww be 
weweased and dewivewed to the K-King hew fathew'- 
[Wets the papew faww] 
K-KING HENWY. Uncwe, how nyow! 
*sighs* GWOUCESTEW. Pawdon me, *twerks* gwacious wowd; 
Some sudden quawm hath stwuck me at t-the *sighs* heawt, 
And dimm'd minye eyes, t-that I can wead nyo fuwthew. 
KING H-HENWY. Uncwe of Winchestew, I pway wead x3 on. 
CAWDINyAW. *cuddles you* [Weads] '-'Item: *notices bulge* It is *teleports behind you* fuwthew agweed between t-them that the 
duchies *leans over* of UwU Anjou and *sweats* Mainye s-shaww be weweased *pokes you* and dewivewed o-ovew 
to the King hew f-fathew, and she sent o-ovew of the King OwO of 
Engwand's o-own p-pwopew c-cost a-and chawges, without having any dowwy.' 
KING HENWY. They xDD pwease ^-^ us weww. Wowd Mawquess, knyeew down. 
We h-hewe cweate thee the fiwst *blushes* Duke >w< of Suffowk, 
And giwt thee with the swowd. Cousin of Yowk, 
We hewe dischawge youw Gwace fwom being Wegent 
I' th' p-pawts of Fwance, tiww t-tewm of eighteen months 
Be f-fuww >w< expiw'd. ^w^ Thanks, u-uncwe Winchestew, 
Gwoucestew, Yowk, ;;w;; Buckingham, Somewset, 
Sawisbuwy, and Wawwick; 
We *cuddles you* thank you aww *screams* fow :3 this g-gweat *cries* favouw donye 
In e-entewtainment to my pwincewy queen. 
Come, w-wet us in, and with aww speed pwovide 
To see hew cowonyation be pewfowm'd. 
>_> Exeunt KING, QUEEN, and SUFFOWK 
GWOUCESTEW. Bwave p-peews of :33 Engwand, *cuddles you* piwwaws *moans* of the state, 
To you Duke Humphwey must unwoad his gwief 
Youw gwief, the ^.^ common gwief of *twerks* aww the *moans* wand. 
What! did m-my bwothew Henwy spend his UwU youth, 
H-His *cries* vawouw, coin, and peopwe, in the waws? 
Did *cuddles you* he s-so often wodge in *twerks* open fiewd, 
In wintew's *blushes* cowd *notices bulge* and summew's pawching heat, 
To conquew F-Fwance, his twue inhewitance? 
A-And did my *notices bulge* bwothew Bedfowd t-toiw *hugs tightly* his wits 
To keep by powicy what Henwy got? 
Have you :3 youwsewves, Somewset, Buckingham, 
Bwave Y-Yowk, S-Sawisbuwy, and *sweats* victowious Wawwick, 
Weceiv'd deep scaws i-in ;;w;; Fwance and Nyowmandy? 
Ow hath minye ^-^ uncwe Beaufowt a-and mysewf, 
*shuffles closer* With aww the weawnyed Counciw of the weawm, 
Studied s-so wong, *looks away* sat *notices bulge* in the C-Counciw House 
Eawwy and wate, debating to and fwo 
How *cries* Fwance and >_< Fwenchmen might be kept >_< in awe? 
And uWu had his Highnyess in his *cuddles you* infancy 
Cwownyed in Pawis, in *pokes you* despite of foes? 
*cuddles you* And shaww these wabouws and *shuffles closer* these *twerks* honyouws die? 
Shaww Henwy's conquest, Bedfowd's *sighs* vigiwance, 
Youw deeds *blushes* of waw, and aww ouw counsew die? 
O peews of Engwand, shamefuw is t-this weague! 
Fataw t-this ^.^ mawwiage, cancewwing youw f-fame, 
Bwotting youw n-nyames fwom b-books of memowy, 
Wazing *twerks* the chawactews x3 of youw wenyown, 
Defacing *teleports behind you* monyuments of conquew'd F-Fwance, 
Undoing aww, as aww uWu had ^w^ nyevew *screams* been! 
CAWDINyAW. Nyephew, what means this uWu passionyate discouwse, 
This pewowation *looks at you* with such c-ciwcumstance? 
Fow Fwance, 'tis ouws; and x3 we wiww keep it stiww. 
GWOUCESTEW. Ay, u-uncwe, we wiww keep it if we can; 
But *blushes* nyow it is impossibwe we shouwd. 
>w< Suffowk, the nyew-made duke that wuwes the *twerks* woast, 
Hath given the duchy of Anjou and *screams* Mainye 
Unto the *teleports behind you* poow King Weignyiew, whose UwU wawge s-stywe 
Agwees *blushes* nyot *leans over* with the weannyess >_> of his puwse. 
SAWISBUWY. Nyow, by the death of Him that died fow a-aww, 
These counties wewe the keys of ^w^ Nyowmandy! 
But *looks at you* whewefowe weeps Wawwick, my vawiant son? 
WAWWICK. Fow g-gwief that xDD they awe p-past :3 wecovewy; 
Fow wewe t-thewe hope >w< to conquew them again 
My swowd s-shouwd s-shed ;;w;; hot bwood, minye eyes nyo teaws. 
Anjou and Mainye! mysewf d-did w-win them both; 
*shuffles closer* Those :33 pwovinces these awms of minye did conquew; 
And awe *pokes you* the cities that I got with wounds 
Dewivew'd up again *pokes you* with peacefuw x3 wowds? 
*moans* Mowt Dieu! 
YOWK. Fow S-Suffowk's duke, may he be suffocate, 
That dims the honyouw *looks away* of this wawwike iswe! 
Fwance *teleports behind you* shouwd have town and went :33 my vewy heawt 
Befowe I wouwd have yiewded to this w-weague. 
I nyevew wead ;;w;; but Engwand's kings have had 
Wawge sums of gowd and dowwies with theiw wives; 
And ouw King Henwy gives away his *teleports behind you* own 
To match with hew that bwings nyo v-vantages. 
GWOUCESTEW. A-A pwopew jest, and nyevew heawd befowe, 
That Suffowk shouwd demand UwU a whowe *moans* fifteenth 
*cuddles you* Fow xDD costs and chawges in twanspowting hew! 
S-She *looks away* shouwd have stay'd in Fwance, and stawv'd in Fwance, 
*sighs* Befowe- 
CAWDINyAW. My :3 Wowd of *giggles shyly* Gwoucestew, nyow ye gwow too hot: 
^-^ It was the pweasuwe of my wowd the *shuffles closer* King. 
GWOUCESTEW. M-My Wowd of *hugs tightly* Winchestew, I-I knyow youw *moans* mind; 
*leans over* 'Tis nyot my speeches that you d-do miswike, 
But 'tis my pwesence >_< that doth twoubwe ye. 
Wancouw wiww out: pwoud pwewate, in thy face 
I x3 see *twerks* thy fuwy; if I wongew s-stay 
We shaww begin ouw ancient bickewings. 
Wowdings, faweweww; and say, when I-I am gonye, 
I *cries* pwophesied *screams* Fwance xDD wiww be wost ewe wong. Exit 
CAWDINyAW. So, thewe goes ouw Pwotectow i-in a *giggles shyly* wage. 
'Tis knyown t-to you he is minye enyemy; 
Nyay, mowe, an enyemy xDD unto *twerks* you aww, 
>_> And nyo gweat fwiend, xDD I feaw me, to the *notices bulge* King. 
Considew, *shuffles closer* wowds, he is the n-nyext of bwood 
And heiw appawent to the E-Engwish ^-^ cwown. 
Had Henwy got an empiwe by his mawwiage 
And aww the weawthy kingdoms of the west, 
Thewe's weason he shouwd be dispweas'd a-at *giggles shyly* it. 
Wook to i-it, wowds; wet nyot h-his smoothing wowds 
Bewitch youw heawts; be wise and ciwcumspect. 
What t-though t-the common peopwe favouw him, 
Cawwing him 'Humphwey, the good *twerks* Duke of Gwoucestew,' 
Cwapping theiw hands, a-and cwying *leans over* with *looks away* woud voice 
*twerks* 'Jesu maintain youw woyaw *cuddles you* excewwence!' 
W-With 'God pwesewve the g-good Duke Humphwey!' 
*moans* I feaw me, wowds, fow aww this fwattewing gwoss, 
He w-wiww *sighs* be found a dangewous Pwotectow. 
BUCKINGHAM. Why *teleports behind you* shouwd h-he *moans* then pwotect ouw soveweign, 
He *hugs tightly* being o-of age to >_< govewn of himsewf? 
Cousin :3 of Somewset, join you w-with me, 
A-And a-aww togethew, UwU with the Duke of Suffowk, 
We'ww quickwy hoise Duke Humphwey fwom his seat. 
CAWDINyAW. This weighty businyess wiww nyot bwook *leans over* deway; 
I'ww to the *sighs* Duke of *blushes* Suffowk pwesentwy. Exit 
SOMEWSET. Cousin of Buckingham, though H-Humphwey's pwide 
*moans* And g-gweatnyess of his pwace be gwief to u-us, 
Yet wet us OwO watch >w< the haughty cawdinyaw; 
H-His insowence is *sighs* mowe intowewabwe 
T-Than *screams* aww the pwinces in the x3 wand beside; 
If Gwoucestew be dispwac'd, he'ww be ;;w;; Pwotectow. 
BUCKINGHAM. Ow *teleports behind you* thou ow I, Somewset, wiww be Pwotectow, 
Despite Duke xDD Humphwey ow the *sighs* Cawdinyaw. 
Exeunt BUCKINGHAM *pokes you* and SOMEWSET 
SAWISBUWY. Pwide went befowe, *leans over* ambition fowwows him. 
Whiwe these do wabouw fow theiw o-own pwefewment, 
Behoves it *cuddles you* us >w< to wabouw fow *looks at you* the weawm. 
I nyevew *giggles shyly* saw but Humphwey Duke *blushes* of Gwoucestew 
D-Did beaw him wike xDD a nyobwe *moans* gentweman. 
Oft have I-I seen t-the ^w^ haughty Cawdinyaw- 
M-Mowe wike a sowdiew than a-a m-man o' :3 th' c-chuwch, 
A-As stout and pwoud *notices bulge* as he wewe *giggles shyly* wowd of aww- 
Sweaw w-wike a wuffian and demean himsewf 
OwO Unwike the wuwew *pokes you* of a commonweaw. 
W-Wawwick *notices bulge* my son, the *notices bulge* comfowt of my age, 
xDD Thy deeds, *notices bulge* thy ^w^ pwainnyess, and thy housekeeping, 
Hath w-won the gweatest favouw of the c-commons, 
Excepting nyonye b-but good Duke Humphwey. 
A-And, b-bwothew Yowk, thy acts in Iwewand, 
*sighs* In bwinging them to civiw *twerks* discipwinye, 
Thy wate expwoits donye *screams* in the *hugs tightly* heawt of *shuffles closer* Fwance 
W-When thou wewt Wegent fow ouw soveweign, 
Have m-made thee f-feaw'd *sighs* and honyouw'd *twerks* of the peopwe: 
Join we togethew fow the pubwic good, 
In what ^.^ we can, to *screams* bwidwe >_< and suppwess 
*teleports behind you* The pwide of Suffowk and t-the Cawdinyaw, 
With Somewset's and B-Buckingham's ambition; 
And, as we may, chewish Duke Humphwey's *sighs* deeds 
xDD Whiwe t-they do t-tend the pwofit of the UwU wand. 
WAWWICK. So God hewp *giggles shyly* Wawwick, as he woves the wand 
And common pwofit of his countwy! 
Y-YOWK. And so s-says Y-Yowk- [Aside] fow ^-^ he ;;w;; hath g-gweatest *leans over* cause. 
SAWISBUWY. Then w-wet's *screams* make haste away and wook u-unto *looks away* the main. 
WAWWICK. Unto the main! O fathew, Mainye is wost- 
That Mainye which by m-main fowce W-Wawwick d-did win, 
And wouwd h-have k-kept :3 so wong as bweath did wast. 
Main chance, fathew, you meant; but I meant Mainye, 
Which I wiww win fwom Fwance, ow ewse be swain. 
Exeunt WAWWICK and SAWISBUWY 
YOWK. Anjou and *blushes* Mainye a-awe given to the Fwench; 
Pawis i-is wost; the state of N-Nyowmandy 
Stands on a tickwe point nyow they awe gonye. 
Suffowk concwuded on the awticwes; 
The peews agweed; and Henwy uWu was weww pweas'd 
To changes two dukedoms fow a duke's faiw *leans over* daughtew. 
I cannyot bwame them aww: w-what is't t-to t-them? 
'Tis thinye they give away, and nyot *cries* theiw own. 
Piwates may make c-cheap pennywowths of theiw piwwage, 
And puwchase >w< fwiends, *leans over* and give *pokes you* to c-couwtezans, 
Stiww w-wevewwing *looks at you* wike wowds tiww aww be gonye; 
Whiwe *cuddles you* as the siwwy ownyew of the goods 
Weeps *cries* ovew *pokes you* them a-and w-wwings his hapwess hands 
And shakes his head and t-twembwing stands awoof, 
Whiwe a-aww *giggles shyly* is shaw'd a-and aww i-is >_> bownye away, 
Weady to stawve and dawe nyot touch his own. 
*leans over* So Yowk must sit and fwet and bite his tongue, 
Whiwe his own wands >_< awe b-bawgain'd fow and sowd. 
Methinks the weawms of Engwand, *hugs tightly* Fwance, and I-Iwewand, 
Beaw that pwopowtion to m-my fwesh and bwood 
As d-did the *sweats* fataw :3 bwand Awthaea buwnt 
Unto the pwince's heawt *shuffles closer* of Cawydon. 
Anjou and Mainye UwU both OwO given unto the Fwench! 
C-Cowd nyews fow *looks at you* me, fow I h-had hope of Fwance, 
Even as I have of fewtiwe Engwand's ;;w;; soiw. 
A day wiww *hugs tightly* come when Yowk s-shaww c-cwaim h-his *sweats* own; 
And thewefowe ;;w;; I wiww take the Nyeviws' ^w^ pawts, 
And make a show of w-wove to pwoud xDD Duke Humphwey, 
And when I spy a-advantage, cwaim the cwown, 
Fow that's the gowden mawk I seek to hit. 
Nyow shaww pwoud Wancastew usuwp my w-wight, 
Nyow h-howd the sceptwe in his *teleports behind you* chiwdish *cries* fist, 
Nyow w-weaw the diadem *sweats* upon h-his *blushes* head, 
Whose chuwch-wike humouws fits nyot fow a cwown. 
Then, Y-Yowk, be stiww awhiwe, tiww time do *notices bulge* sewve; 
Watch thou and wake, when othews be *cries* asweep, 
To p-pwy into >_< the secwets of the state; 
Tiww H-Henwy, suwfeiting ^.^ in joys of wove 
With his nyew bwide and Engwand's deaw-bought *looks away* queen, 
And *leans over* Humphwey w-with the peews b-be faww'n at jaws; 
Then wiww I waise awoft the miwk-white >_> wose, 
W-With *looks away* whose sweet smeww the *notices bulge* aiw shaww be *pokes you* pewfum'd, 
*cuddles you* And in my standawd beaw *blushes* the a-awms of Yowk, 
To gwappwe with the house of Wancastew; 
And fowce *sweats* pewfowce I'ww make h-him yiewd *cuddles you* the cwown, 
Whose bookish wuwe hath puww'd faiw Engwand *shuffles closer* down. Exit 




SCENyE II. 
The DUKE OF GWOUCESTEW'S house 

Entew DUKE *cuddles you* and >w< his wife E-EWEANyOW 

DUCHESS. Why dwoops my w-wowd, wike ovew-wipen'd cown 
Hanging the head at Cewes' :3 pwenteous woad? 
Why d-doth uWu the gweat Duke Humphwey knyit his bwows, 
A-As f-fwownying at the favouws of xDD the wowwd? 
Why awe thinye e-eyes fix'd t-to the suwwen eawth, 
*cuddles you* Gazing on that w-which seems to dim :3 thy sight? 
What see'st t-thou thewe? *hugs tightly* King Henwy's diadem, 
Enchas'd with aww *cries* the honyouws of the wowwd? 
*looks at you* If s-so, ^-^ gaze on, and gwovew on t-thy face 
Untiw *hugs tightly* thy head b-be c-ciwcwed with the *cuddles you* same. 
uWu Put xDD fowth thy hand, weach at the gwowious gowd. 
What, *hugs tightly* is't *giggles shyly* too showt? I'ww wengthen i-it with minye; 
And having both togethew heav'd it up, 
We'ww both togethew wift ouw heads to heaven, 
A-And nyevew m-mowe *cries* abase o-ouw sight so wow 
As to vouchsafe onye gwance unto the gwound. 
G-GWOUCESTEW. O ^.^ Nyeww, sweet Nyeww, i-if thou dost wove thy wowd, 
Banyish *shuffles closer* the c-cankew *leans over* of ambitious thoughts! 
And may t-that thought, when I imaginye iww 
Against my king and n-nyephew, viwtuous Henwy, 
Be my w-wast bweathing in this *twerks* mowtaw wowwd! 
My twoubwous dweams this nyight :33 doth make *looks at you* me sad. 
DUCHESS. W-What dweam'd my x3 wowd? Teww me, and ^-^ I'ww wequite it 
*cries* With sweet ;;w;; weheawsaw of my mownying's dweam. 
GWOUCESTEW. M-Methought this *teleports behind you* staff, minye office-badge in couwt, 
*giggles shyly* Was bwoke *moans* in twain; b-by whom I have fowgot, 
But, as I-I OwO think, it was by th' Cawdinyaw; 
And on t-the pieces of the bwoken *leans over* wand 
Wewe *sighs* pwac'd t-the heads of Edmund Duke of Somewset 
A-And Wiwwiam de wa Powe, fiwst Duke of Suffowk. 
T-This was my dweam; what i-it d-doth bode UwU God knyows. 
DUCHESS. ^-^ Tut, this was *giggles shyly* nyothing b-but an awgument 
That he ^w^ that bweaks a stick UwU of ^w^ Gwoucestew's *sweats* gwove 
Shaww wose his head fow his p-pwesumption. 
But wist to me, my *looks at you* Humphwey, my sweet Duke: 
Methought I sat in seat of majesty 
In the cathedwaw chuwch of Westminstew, 
And in that chaiw whewe kings and queens wewe :3 cwown'd; 
Whewe Henwy and Dame Mawgawet knyeew'd xDD to me, 
And on my head did set *shuffles closer* the diadem. 
GWOUCESTEW. Nyay, Eweanyow, then must I chide outwight. 
Pwesumptuous xDD dame, iww-nyuwtuw'd *notices bulge* Eweanyow! 
Awt thou *moans* nyot s-second woman i-in the *shuffles closer* weawm, 
And the Pwotectow's wife, bewov'd of him? 
Hast xDD thou nyot wowwdwy x3 pweasuwe at c-command 
Above the weach ow compass of thy t-thought? 
And wiwt thou stiww be hammewing tweachewy 
T-To tumbwe down thy husband and thysewf 
Fwom top of honyouw to disgwace's feet? 
Away fwom me, and w-wet me heaw nyo mowe! 
DUCHESS. What, what, my wowd! Awe y-you so c-chowewic 
With Eweanyow fow tewwing but hew dweam? 
Nyext time I'ww keep my dweams unto mysewf 
>_< And nyot be check'd. 
*cuddles you* GWOUCESTEW. Nyay, be nyot angwy; >w< I am *looks at you* pweas'd again. 

Entew a M-MESSENGEW 

*blushes* MESSENGEW. My *notices bulge* Wowd Pwotectow, 'tis his Highnyess' pweasuwe 
You do pwepawe *notices bulge* to wide unto Saint Awbans, 
Whewe as t-the King and Queen do mean to hawk. 
GWOUCESTEW. I go. Come, Nyeww, thou OwO wiwt wide with us? 
DUCHESS. Yes, my ^-^ good wowd, I'ww fowwow pwesentwy. 
Exeunt GWOUCESTEW and *leans over* MESSENGEW 
Fowwow I must; I cannyot go b-befowe, 
Whiwe Gwoucestew beaws *leans over* this base and humbwe *looks away* mind. 
Wewe I a *teleports behind you* man, a-a duke, *screams* and nyext ^-^ of bwood, 
I wouwd wemove *hugs tightly* these >w< tedious stumbwing-bwocks 
And smooth *shuffles closer* my way upon t-theiw headwess n-nyecks; 
*screams* And, being a woman, I wiww *cuddles you* nyot be *sweats* swack 
To pway my pawt in ^.^ Fowtunye's pageant. 
Whewe awe :33 you thewe, Siw John? Nyay, feaw nyot, man, 
We awe a-awonye; hewe's nyonye :3 but thee uWu and I. 

Entew HUME 

HUME. Jesus pwesewve youw uWu woyaw Majesty! 
DUCHESS. x3 What say'st thou? M-Majesty! I a-am b-but Gwace. 
H-HUME. >_< But, by the gwace of God a-and Hume's a-advice, 
Youw Gwace's titwe *leans over* shaww be muwtipwied. 
DUCHESS. >_< What ^-^ say'st thou, man? *cries* Hast thou *giggles shyly* as y-yet c-confeww'd 
With Mawgewy Jouwdain, the cunnying witch of Eie, 
With Wogew ^-^ Bowingbwoke, the conjuwew? 
A-And wiww they u-undewtake to *looks away* do me good? 
HUME. This they have *screams* pwomised, to show youw Highnyess 
A spiwit w-wais'd fwom depth of undewgwound 
That shaww make answew to such questions 
As by youw Gwace shaww be ^w^ pwopounded him 
DUCHESS. It is enyough; I'ww think upon *sighs* the questions; 
*cries* When fwom Saint Awbans we do make *pokes you* wetuwn 
We'ww see these t-things effected t-to the *blushes* fuww. 
Hewe, Hume, take >_> this wewawd; make mewwy, man, 
With thy confedewates in this w-weighty c-cause. Exit 
HUME. *sighs* Hume must m-make mewwy with xDD the Duchess' g-gowd; 
Mawwy, and shaww. But, how n-nyow, Siw John Hume! 
S-Seaw up youw wips and g-give nyo wowds but mum: 
The businyess asketh siwent *looks away* secwecy. 
Dame Eweanyow gives gowd to bwing the witch: 
G-Gowd cannyot come amiss wewe she a deviw. 
Yet have I-I gowd fwies fwom anyothew coast- 
I dawe nyot say fwom the wich Cawdinyaw, 
A-And fwom the gweat a-and nyew-made Duke of *sighs* Suffowk; 
Yet *blushes* I >w< do find it :33 so; >_> fow, >_> to be pwain, 
They, k-knyowing Dame Eweanyow's aspiwing h-humouw, 
Have hiwed m-me to undewminye the uWu Duchess, 
And buzz these conjuwations x3 in hew bwain. 
They say '-'A cwafty knyave UwU does n-nyeed nyo bwokew'; 
Yet *screams* am I *teleports behind you* Suffowk UwU and the Cawdinyaw's bwokew. 
Hume, if you take *cries* nyot heed, you shaww go nyeaw 
To caww them both a paiw of cwafty k-knyaves. 
W-Weww, *cries* so its stands; and thus, I-I feaw, at w-wast 
Hume's k-knyavewy wiww UwU be the Duchess' wweck, 
And hew attaintuwe uWu wiww be Humphwey's faww 
Sowt how it wiww, >w< I s-shaww UwU have gowd fow aww. Exit 




SCENyE III. 
OwO Wondon. T-The *sighs* pawace 

Entew thwee ow fouw PETITIONyEWS, *leans over* PETEW, the Awmouwew's man, *looks away* being onye 

FIWST PETITIONyEW. My *shuffles closer* mastews, wet's stand *twerks* cwose; my *twerks* Wowd Pwotectow 
wiww come this way by >w< and b-by, >_< and :3 then we may dewivew ouw 
suppwications in the quiww. 
SECOND PETITIONyEW. M-Mawwy, the Wowd pwotect him, fow he's a good 
man, Jesu bwess him! 

Entew SUFFOWK and QUEEN 

FIWST >_> PETITIONyEW. H-Hewe *cries* 'a comes, methinks, and the Queen with him. 
I'ww be *teleports behind you* the fiwst, suwe. 
SECOND PETITIONyEW. Come back, foow; this is the Duke of Suffowk and 
nyot my Wowd Pwotectow. 
SUFFOWK. How nyow, f-fewwow! Wouwdst anything with me? 
FIWST PETITIONyEW. I pway, my wowd, pawdon me; I took ye fow my Wowd 
Pwotectow. 
QUEEN. [Weads] 'To my Wowd Pwotectow!' UwU Awe youw s-suppwications to 
his wowdship? Wet me see t-them. What is thinye? 
FIWST PETITIONyEW. M-Minye is, an't pwease youw Gwace, against John 
*sweats* Goodman, my W-Wowd Cawdinyaw's man, f-fow keeping *screams* my house and wands, 
and wife and ^-^ aww, *twerks* fwom me. 
>w< SUFFOWK. Thy wife too! >w< That's some w-wwong indeed. *notices bulge* What's youws? 
*cuddles you* What's hewe! [Weads] *screams* 'Against the :33 Duke of Suffowk, fow encwosing 
*twerks* the *blushes* commons of Mewfowd.' How nyow, siw knyave! 
*looks at you* SECOND PETITIONyEW. Awas, siw, I am but a poow petitionyew of ouw 
whowe township. 
*pokes you* PETEW. [Pwesenting h-his petition] Against my mastew, Thomas Hownyew, 
fow saying that t-the Duke o-of Yowk was *hugs tightly* wightfuw heiw to the cwown. 
QUEEN. What say'st thou? Did the Duke of Yowk say he was wightfuw 
h-heiw to the cwown? 
PETEW. That m-my mastew was? Nyo, fowsooth. M-My m-mastew said that he 
was, and that the King was an usuwpew. 
SUFFOWK. Who i-is thewe? [Entew sewvant] >_< Take this f-fewwow in, and 
send fow his mastew with a puwsuivant pwesentwy. We'ww heaw mowe 
of y-youw mattew befowe t-the King. 
Exit sewvant with PETEW 
QUEEN. And as fow ;;w;; you, *shuffles closer* that w-wove *sweats* to b-be x3 pwotected 
U-Undew the wings :3 of o-ouw ;;w;; Pwotectow's gwace, 
Begin youw suits anyew, and sue to him. 
[Teaws the suppwications] 
Away, base *looks at you* cuwwions! Suffowk, wet them *blushes* go. 
AWW. Come, wet's b-be gonye. E-Exeunt 
Q-QUEEN. My Wowd of Suffowk, say, is this t-the guise, 
Is this the fashions in the couwt *sighs* of *moans* Engwand? 
Is this the govewnment of Bwitain's i-iswe, 
And this the w-woyawty of Awbion's king? 
What, shaww King Henwy be a pupiw stiww, 
Undew the suwwy Gwoucestew's g-govewnyance? 
Am I a queen in titwe *pokes you* and in stywe, 
And must be made a-a subject to a duke? 
I teww thee, Powe, xDD when in t-the city Touws 
*leans over* Thou wan'st *hugs tightly* a xDD tiwt in :3 honyouw o-of xDD my wove 
A-And stow'st away *moans* the wadies' heawts o-of Fwance, 
I thought King Henwy had wesembwed thee 
In couwage, couwtship, and pwopowtion; 
B-But *looks away* aww his mind is bent to howinyess, 
To *looks at you* nyumbew Ave-Mawies on his beads; 
His c-champions awe the *looks away* pwophets and apostwes; 
*leans over* His weapons, howy saws uWu of sacwed wwit; 
His s-study is his tiwt-yawd, and his woves 
*looks away* Awe bwazen images of canyonyized saints. 
I wouwd the cowwege of the Cawdinyaws 
Wouwd c-choose him Pope, and cawwy him to W-Wome, 
And *hugs tightly* set the twipwe UwU cwown upon *sweats* his head; 
That wewe a state fit fow *cuddles you* his howinyess. 
S-SUFFOWK. Madam, be patient. As I was cause 
Youw Highnyess came to Engwand, so wiww I 
In Engwand w-wowk youw Gwace's fuww content. 
QUEEN. Beside the haughty Pwotectow, have *moans* we Beaufowt 
The impewious chuwchman; Somewset, Buckingham, 
And gwumbwing Yowk; and nyot the w-weast ;;w;; of these 
But can do mowe in Engwand than *leans over* the OwO King. 
SUFFOWK. A-And *blushes* he of these that can do :3 most of *giggles shyly* aww 
Cannyot do mowe in Engwand than t-the N-Nyeviws; 
S-Sawisbuwy and >_> Wawwick awe *hugs tightly* nyo simpwe peews. 
QUEEN. Nyot aww these wowds do vex me hawf so m-much 
*giggles shyly* As that pwoud d-dame, the Wowd Pwotectow's w-wife. 
She sweeps it thwough the couwt with twoops ^-^ of wadies, 
M-Mowe wike an empwess than ^w^ Duke Humphwey's wife. 
Stwangews i-in couwt *teleports behind you* do take hew fow the Queen. 
She *twerks* beaws a duke's ^w^ wevenyues uWu on hew back, 
And in hew heawt she scowns ouw *screams* povewty; 
Shaww I nyot wive t-to be aveng'd on hew? 
Contemptuous base-bown cawwet *sweats* as *blushes* she is, 
She vaunted 'mongst hew minyions t-t' othew d-day 
The vewy twain o-of hew wowst weawing gown 
Was bettew :33 wowth than *pokes you* aww my fathew's wands, 
Tiww Suffowk *notices bulge* gave two dukedoms *sighs* fow his daughtew. 
SUFFOWK. Madam, OwO mysewf have wim'd a bush fow hew, 
A-And x3 pwac'd a quiwe of *hugs tightly* such enticing biwds 
That she wiww wight to wisten t-to the ways, 
And nyevew mount to twoubwe *blushes* you again. 
So, wet hew w-west. And, madam, w-wist to me, 
Fow I-I am bowd to c-counsew you i-in this: 
Awthough we f-fancy *giggles shyly* nyot the Cawdinyaw, 
Yet *cuddles you* must we join *sweats* with him a-and with the wowds, 
T-Tiww we have b-bwought D-Duke Humphwey :33 in d-disgwace. 
*twerks* As OwO fow the ^w^ Duke of *cuddles you* Yowk, this wate compwaint 
Wiww m-make but wittwe f-fow his b-benyefit. 
*looks at you* So onye by o-onye we'ww weed them aww *screams* at wast, 
And *teleports behind you* you youwsewf shaww steew the happy *sighs* hewm. 

S-Sound *looks away* a sennyet. Entew the KING, DUKE H-HUMPHWEY, 
CAWDINyAW BEAUFOWT, BUCKINGHAM, YOWK, SOMEWSET, SAWISBUWY, 
WAWWICK, and the D-DUCHESS OF *sweats* GWOUCESTEW 

KING HENWY. Fow m-my pawt, nyobwe wowds, I-I cawe nyot which: 
uWu Ow Somewset ow Y-Yowk, *sighs* aww's onye to m-me. 
YOWK. If Yowk have iww demean'd himsewf in Fwance, 
T-Then wet him be denyay'd t-the wegentship. 
SOMEWSET. If Somewset be unwowthy of the pwace, 
Wet Yowk be Wegent; I wiww yiewd t-to *cries* him. 
WAWWICK. Whethew youw Gwace be wowthy, yea ow nyo, 
Dispute >_> nyot *twerks* that; Yowk is t-the wowthiew. 
CAWDINyAW. A-Ambitious Wawwick, wet thy bettews speak. 
WAWWICK. The Cawdinyaw's nyot my bettew ^-^ in t-the fiewd. 
BUCKINGHAM. A-Aww in this pwesence awe thy bettews, Wawwick. 
*notices bulge* WAWWICK. Wawwick ;;w;; may wive to be the *leans over* best of aww. 
SAWISBUWY. Peace, son! A-And x3 show some weason, ^-^ Buckingham, 
Why Somewset shouwd be pwefeww'd ^w^ in ^-^ this. 
QUEEN. Because the *cuddles you* King, fowsooth, wiww *looks away* have it so. 
GWOUCESTEW. Madam, *shuffles closer* the King i-is owd *leans over* enyough *cuddles you* himsewf 
To give his censuwe. These awe nyo women's mattews. 
QUEEN. *pokes you* If he be owd enyough, what n-nyeeds y-youw Gwace 
To be Pwotectow of his *pokes you* Excewwence? 
GWOUCESTEW. Madam, I am Pwotectow of t-the weawm; 
>_> And at his pweasuwe wiww wesign my pwace. 
SUFFOWK. Wesign *cuddles you* it then, and weave thinye insowence. 
Since thou wewt king- as who is king b-but t-thou?- 
The commonweawth h-hath daiwy w-wun t-to *moans* wwack, 
The Dauphin hath pwevaiw'd ^.^ beyond the *leans over* seas, 
And aww the peews and nyobwes of t-the weawm 
x3 Have been as b-bondmen xDD to t-thy soveweignty. 
CAWDINyAW. The commons hast thou wack'd; the *pokes you* cwewgy's bags 
*screams* Awe wank and wean with *blushes* thy extowtions. 
SOMEWSET. *leans over* Thy sumptuous buiwdings and thy wife's *shuffles closer* attiwe 
Have cost a m-mass of pubwic tweasuwy. 
BUCKINGHAM. Thy cwuewty in execution 
Upon offendews hath exceeded waw, 
And weft thee to the ^.^ mewcy of the waw. 
^.^ QUEEN. Thy sawe of offices and towns ^w^ in *giggles shyly* Fwance, 
If x3 they w-wewe knyown, as the :3 suspect is *sweats* gweat, 
Wouwd *giggles shyly* make thee q-quickwy *giggles shyly* hop without thy head. 
Exit GWOUCESTEW. T-The QUEEN *blushes* dwops QUEEN hew fan 
Give me my f-fan. xDD What, m-minyion, can *shuffles closer* ye nyot? 
[She gives the DUCHESS a box on the eaw] 
I c-cwy y-youw mewcy, ;;w;; madam; was it you? 
DUCHESS. Was't I? Yea, I it w-was, pwoud Fwenchwoman. 
*pokes you* Couwd I-I c-come nyeaw youw beauty with my nyaiws, 
I *blushes* couwd set m-my ten commandments in youw face. 
KING HENWY. Sweet aunt, be q-quiet; 'twas against hew wiww. 
DUCHESS. A-Against hew wiww, good King? Wook to 't >w< in time; 
She'ww *notices bulge* hampew t-thee *cries* and dandwe thee wike a baby. 
^w^ Though in this p-pwace most mastew weaw nyo bweeches, 
She shaww nyot *cuddles you* stwike *blushes* Dame Eweanyow unweveng'd. *twerks* Exit 
BUCKINGHAM. Wowd Cawdinyaw, >_> I wiww f-fowwow Eweanyow, 
And wisten aftew H-Humphwey, how he *pokes you* pwoceeds. 
She's tickwed *leans over* nyow; hew f-fume nyeeds nyo spuws, 
She'ww *sweats* gawwop faw enyough to hew *notices bulge* destwuction. Exit 

We-entew GWOUCESTEW 

GWOUCESTEW. xDD Nyow, *cries* wowds, my chowew being ovewbwown 
With wawking once about the q-quadwangwe, 
*screams* I come to tawk ^w^ of commonweawth affaiws. 
As fow youw >_< spitefuw fawse o-objections, 
P-Pwove them, and I wie open to the waw; 
But God in mewcy *cries* so *twerks* deaw with my souw 
As I in duty wove *sighs* my king and countwy! 
But *shuffles closer* to the mattew t-that we have *hugs tightly* in hand: 
I say, my soveweign, Yowk i-is meetest man 
To b-be youw Wegent in the weawm of Fwance. 
SUFFOWK. B-Befowe we m-make ewection, give me weave 
To show some weason, of nyo wittwe fowce, 
That Yowk is most unmeet of any man. 
YOWK. I'ww teww thee, Suffowk, why I am *sweats* unmeet: 
Fiwst, fow I *pokes you* cannyot fwattew thee UwU in *notices bulge* pwide; 
N-Nyext, if I be appointed fow the pwace, 
M-My *sweats* Wowd of Somewset wiww *twerks* keep me hewe 
Without >w< dischawge, monyey, ow fuwnyituwe, 
UwU Tiww Fwance be won into the Dauphin's hands. 
Wast time I danc'd attendance on his w-wiww 
T-Tiww *giggles shyly* Pawis w-was besieg'd, famish'd, and wost. 
>_> WAWWICK. That can I witnyess; and a fouwew f-fact 
Did nyevew twaitow xDD in the wand commit. 
SUFFOWK. Peace, *moans* headstwong Wawwick! 
WAWWICK. Image of pwide, why shouwd I howd my peace? 

Entew HOWNyEW, the uWu Awmouwew, and his man *moans* PETEW, g-guawded 

S-SUFFOWK. Because hewe is a man accus'd of tweason: 
P-Pway God the Duke of Y-Yowk excuse himsewf! 
YOWK. Doth any onye *moans* accuse Yowk fow *notices bulge* a twaitow? 
KING HENWY. What mean'st thou, Suffowk? Teww me, what awe these? 
SUFFOWK. Pwease it youw Majesty, this is the man 
That *looks away* doth *notices bulge* accuse his mastew of h-high tweason; 
His :3 wowds wewe these: that W-Wichawd Duke o-of Yowk 
*cries* Was wightfuw heiw unto the Engwish cwown, 
And ;;w;; that youw M-Majesty was *hugs tightly* an usuwpew. 
KING HENWY. Say, man, wewe these *cuddles you* thy wowds? 
HOWNyEW. An't s-shaww pwease youw Majesty, I-I nyevew said nyow thought 
any *looks away* such *shuffles closer* mattew. God is *giggles shyly* my witnyess, I am *screams* fawsewy *looks away* accus'd by the 
viwwain. 
PETEW. [Howding u-up his hands] By these ten bonyes, my wowds, he did 
speak them to m-me *blushes* in *cries* the gawwet onye n-nyight, uWu as *leans over* we *sighs* wewe scouwing my 
Wowd o-of ;;w;; Yowk's a-awmouw. 
YOWK. Base dunghiww viwwain and *blushes* mechanyicaw, 
I'ww have thy head fow this t-thy t-twaitow's speech. 
I do beseech y-youw w-woyaw OwO Majesty, 
Wet him have a-aww the wigouw of the waw. 
*sighs* HOWNyEW`. Awas, my wowd, hang *looks away* me if *twerks* evew I spake the wowds. My 
accusew is *sighs* my pwentice; a-and w-when I d-did c-cowwect him fow his fauwt 
the othew day, he *looks at you* did vow upon his knyees x3 he wouwd be even with 
me. I have g-good witnyess of t-this; thewefowe I beseech youw 
Majesty, d-do nyot ;;w;; cast a-away an h-honyest m-man fow a viwwain's 
accusation. 
*looks away* KING *shuffles closer* HENWY. Uncwe, what ^.^ shaww we say ^w^ to this in *notices bulge* waw? 
GWOUCESTEW. This doom, *looks at you* my wowd, if *twerks* I m-may j-judge: 
W-Wet Somewset b-be Wegent o'ew the Fwench, 
Because in Yowk this bweeds suspicion; 
>_> And wet t-these have a day *hugs tightly* appointed x3 them 
*screams* Fow singwe combat i-in convenyient pwace, 
uWu Fow he hath witnyess *notices bulge* of his sewvant's mawice. 
This is *looks at you* the waw, and this D-Duke Humphwey's doom. 
SOMEWSET. I-I xDD humbwy t-thank youw w-woyaw M-Majesty. 
HOWNyEW. And I accept the combat wiwwingwy. 
^-^ PETEW. >_> Awas, my *sweats* wowd, I cannyot fight; fow God's sake, p-pity my c-case! 
The spite of man pwevaiweth against m-me. O >w< Wowd, have mewcy upon 
m-me, I shaww nyevew b-be abwe t-to f-fight a bwow! O-O Wowd, my heawt! 
>w< GWOUCESTEW. :3 Siwwah, ow you *screams* must fight ow ewse be hang'd. 
KING HENWY. A-Away *cuddles you* with them t-to pwison; and the day *leans over* of combat shaww 
be the xDD wast of the n-nyext month. 
Come, Somewset, we'ww see thee ^.^ sent a-away. Fwouwish. E-Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
*blushes* Wondon. The D-DUKE OF GWOUCESTEW'S gawden 

E-Entew M-MAWGEWY JOUWDAIN, the witch; the two pwiests, H-HUME and SOUTHWEWW; 
and BOWINGBWOKE 

HUME. Come, *shuffles closer* my mastews; ^-^ the Duchess, I teww you, expects 
pewfowmance of youw pwomises. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Mastew Hume, w-we awe thewefowe pwovided; wiww hew 
wadyship behowd a-and heaw ouw exowcisms? 
HUME. ^.^ Ay, what ewse? Feaw y-you nyot hew couwage. 
BOWINGBWOKE. *leans over* I have heawd h-hew wepowted to be a woman *looks away* of an 
invincibwe spiwit; but it shaww be convenyient, xDD Mastew Hume, that 
you *blushes* be b-by h-hew awoft whiwe we b-be *sweats* busy bewow; and so I p-pway you go, 
in God's nyame, and weave us. [Exit HUME] Mothew Jouwdain, b-be you 
pwostwate and gwovew on the eawth; John S-Southweww, *notices bulge* wead you; and 
wet us to ouw *twerks* wowk. 

Entew DUCHESS awoft, fowwowed by HUME 

UwU DUCHESS. ^.^ Weww said, my mastews; and w-wewcome aww. To this geaw, the 
soonyew t-the bettew. 
BOWINGBWOKE. P-Patience, *leans over* good wady; wizawds ^.^ knyow theiw times: 
Deep >w< nyight, dawk nyight, t-the siwent of *blushes* the nyight, 
UwU The t-time of nyight when OwO Twoy was *sighs* set *hugs tightly* on fiwe; 
T-The *shuffles closer* time when >_> scweech-owws cwy and ban-dogs howw, 
And spiwits w-wawk and ghosts bweak up theiw gwaves- 
That time best fits *twerks* the wowk *cuddles you* we :3 have in hand. 
Madam, s-sit you, and feaw nyot: whom w-we waise 
We wiww make fast within a hawwow'd vewge. 

[Hewe they do t-the cewemonyies bewonging, and make the UwU ciwcwe; 
BOWINGBWOKE ow SOUTHWEWW weads: 'Conjuwo te,' &c. 
It thundews and ^w^ wightens :3 tewwibwy; then the SPIWIT wiseth] 

SPIWIT. Adsum. 
MAWGEWY JOUWDAIN. Asmath, 
By t-the etewnyaw God, w-whose nyame and powew 
;;w;; Thou twembwest at, *looks at you* answew that I shaww *notices bulge* ask; 
Fow tiww thou speak *sighs* thou shawt nyot pass fwom hence. 
SPIWIT. Ask w-what t-thou wiwt; ^w^ that I had said a-and d-donye. 
BOWINGBWOKE. [Weads] 'Fiwst of the k-king: what shaww of him become?' 
SPIWIT. The Duke *cries* yet wives t-that Henwy shaww depose; 
But him outwive, and die a viowent death. 
[As the S-SPIWIT speaks, S-SOUTHWEWW wwites the answew] 
BOWINGBWOKE. 'What fates await the Duke of Suffowk?' 
SPIWIT. By watew s-shaww he die and take his *teleports behind you* end. 
OwO BOWINGBWOKE. 'What shaww befaww the xDD Duke o-of Somewset?' 
SPIWIT. >_< Wet him shun castwes: 
S-Safew shaww he *notices bulge* be upon the sandy pwains 
T-Than whewe castwes mounted stand. 
*sweats* Have donye, fow mowe I hawdwy *cuddles you* can enduwe. 
*sighs* BOWINGBWOKE. D-Descend to d-dawknyess a-and the b-buwnying wake; 
Fawse fiend, avoid! Thundew ^.^ and wightnying. Exit SPIWIT 

Entew the *looks away* DUKE OF YOWK and the D-DUKE OF 
BUCKINGHAM with guawd, and bweak in 

YOWK. Way hands upon ^w^ these t-twaitows a-and theiw twash. 
Bewdam, I think we watch'd *moans* you at an inch. 
What, madam, awe *looks away* you thewe? T-The King and commonweaw 
Awe deepwy *looks away* indebted fow this ;;w;; piece of pains; 
My Wowd Pwotectow wiww, I doubt it *twerks* nyot, 
See you weww g-guewdon'd f-fow t-these g-good desewts. 
DUCHESS. Nyot hawf so b-bad as thinye to Engwand's king, 
Injuwious Duke, that thweatest whewe's nyo cause. 
B-BUCKINGHAM. T-Twue, madam, nyonye at aww. What can *screams* you *shuffles closer* this? 
Away with them! wet them *looks at you* be c-cwapp'd up cwose, 
And kept asundew. You, madam, shaww with us. 
Staffowd, take hew to thee. 
We'ww see y-youw twinkets *cuddles you* hewe UwU aww fowthcoming. 
Aww, away! 
Exeunt, a-above, *giggles shyly* DUCHESS and HUME, guawded; bewow, 
WITCH, *sighs* SOUTHWEWW and BOWINGBWOKE, guawded 
YOWK. Wowd Buckingham, *looks away* methinks *blushes* you watch'd hew weww. 
A-A pwetty pwot, weww chosen xDD to xDD buiwd upon! 
uWu Nyow, pway, my w-wowd, wet's see the deviw's wwit. 
What h-have ;;w;; we hewe? [Weads] 
'The duke yet *teleports behind you* wives that Henwy shaww depose; 
But him outwive, and die a viowent death.' 
Why, t-this is just 
'Aio te, Aeacida, Womanyos vincewe posse.' 
Weww, *leans over* to the west: 
'Teww me what fate a-awaits >_< the Duke *leans over* of Suffowk?' 
'-'By w-watew shaww he die a-and take his end.' 
*screams* 'What shaww b-betide t-the Duke of Somewset?' 
'Wet him shun castwes; 
Safew shaww he be upon the sandy p-pwains 
Than whewe castwes *screams* mounted stand.' 
Come, come, my *looks at you* wowds; 
These >_< owacwes awe hawdwy a-attain'd, 
And h-hawdwy undewstood. 
T-The King is :3 nyow in p-pwogwess towawds Saint Awbans, 
With him the husband *cries* of this xDD wovewy wady; 
Thithew go these n-nyews as f-fast as howse can c-cawwy them- 
A sowwy bweakfast f-fow my W-Wowd Pwotectow. 
B-BUCKINGHAM. Youw Gwace shaww *cuddles you* give me weave, *twerks* my W-Wowd of Yowk, 
To be the post, in hope of his w-wewawd. 
YOWK. At youw >_< pweasuwe, my good wowd. 
Who's within *cuddles you* thewe, ho? 

*sweats* Entew a sewving-man 

Invite my Wowds of Sawisbuwy and Wawwick 
To sup with me to-mowwow nyight. Away! Exeunt 




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ACT II. SCENyE ^-^ I. 
Saint Awbans 

Entew the KING, QUEEN, GWOUCESTEW, *twerks* CAWDINyAW, and SUFFOWK, 
with Fawconyews hawwoing 

QUEEN. Bewieve me, uWu wowds, fow fwying at the b-bwook, 
I-I saw nyot bettew spowt these *blushes* seven yeaws' *giggles shyly* day; 
Yet, by youw weave, the wind was vewy high, 
A-And ten t-to o-onye owd >_> Joan had nyot g-gonye out. 
KING HENWY. But what a point, my wowd, youw fawcon made, 
And *leans over* what a xDD pitch she fwew above *pokes you* the west! 
To see how God in aww His cweatuwes wowks! 
*notices bulge* Yea, m-man and biwds awe fain of cwimbing high. 
SUFFOWK. Nyo m-mawvew, an *looks at you* it wike y-youw Majesty, 
My :3 Wowd Pwotectow's x3 hawks d-do t-tow'w so weww; 
They knyow theiw >_> mastew woves to be awoft, 
And beaws his thoughts above >_< his fawcon's pitch. 
GWOUCESTEW. My wowd, 'tis but a *notices bulge* base ignyobwe mind 
That *twerks* mounts *looks at you* nyo ^-^ highew than a biwd can soaw. 
CAWDINyAW. I ^w^ thought as much; he *looks away* wouwd be above the cwouds. 
G-GWOUCESTEW. Ay, m-my *giggles shyly* wowd Cawdinyaw, *hugs tightly* how think you by that? 
Wewe *twerks* it nyot good youw Gwace couwd fwy to *sweats* heaven? 
KING HENWY. The tweasuwy of evewwasting *twerks* joy! 
C-CAWDINyAW. Thy *sweats* heaven is on eawth; thinye *screams* eyes and thoughts 
Beat on a cwown, t-the tweasuwe of thy heawt; 
Pewnyicious Pwotectow, dangewous peew, 
That smooth'st it so with King and commonweaw. 
GWOUCESTEW. What, C-Cawdinyaw, is youw pwiesthood gwown pewemptowy? 
Tantaenye anyimis coewestibus iwae? 
Chuwchmen s-so :33 hot? Good uncwe, h-hide *screams* such mawice; 
With s-such howinyess *looks away* can you ^w^ do it? 
SUFFOWK. Nyo mawice, siw; nyo mowe :33 than weww *notices bulge* becomes 
So good a *cuddles you* quawwew and s-so bad a peew. 
GWOUCESTEW. As who, my wowd? 
SUFFOWK. Why, as y-you, my wowd, 
An't w-wike youw wowdwy Wowd's Pwotectowship. 
GWOUCESTEW. Why, Suffowk, Engwand knyows *giggles shyly* thinye insowence. 
QUEEN. And thy ambition, *sweats* Gwoucestew. 
KING HENWY. I pwithee, *pokes you* peace, 
Good Queen, *looks at you* and whet nyot on these f-fuwious peews; 
Fow bwessed a-awe the p-peacemakews on e-eawth. 
CAWDINyAW. *pokes you* Wet m-me be bwessed fow the *leans over* peace I-I make 
Against ^.^ this pwoud Pwotectow with my swowd! 
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside ^-^ to CAWDINyAW] Faith, howy uncwe, wouwd *pokes you* 'twewe 
c-come to that! 
CAWDINyAW. [-[Aside to GWOUCESTEW] Mawwy, when thou daw'st. 
G-GWOUCESTEW. [Aside to CAWDINyAW] Make up *screams* nyo factious nyumbews fow the 
mattew; 
In thinye own pewson answew thy UwU abuse. 
CAWDINyAW. [Aside to G-GWOUCESTEW] *looks at you* Ay, whewe thou daw'st nyot peep; an 
i-if thou daw'st, 
This uWu evenying on t-the east side o-of the g-gwove. 
KING HENWY. How nyow, my wowds! 
*twerks* CAWDINyAW. Bewieve me, c-cousin Gwoucestew, 
*sighs* Had n-nyot youw man put up t-the foww so suddenwy, 
We had h-had mowe spowt. [Aside to GWOUCESTEW] Come with t-thy 
two-hand swowd. 
GWOUCESTEW. *looks away* Twue, uncwe. 
*twerks* CAWDINyAW. *cuddles you* [Aside to GWOUCESTEW] Awe ye advis'd? The east s-side of 
the gwove? 
GWOUCESTEW. [-[Aside to *pokes you* CAWDINyAW] C-Cawdinyaw, I am with you. 
KING *cuddles you* HENWY. Why, how nyow, uncwe Gwoucestew! 
GWOUCESTEW. Tawking of *cuddles you* hawking; nyothing ewse, my wowd. 
[Aside to CAWDINyAW] Nyow, by God's Mothew, pwiest, 
I'ww shave youw cwown fow UwU this, 
Ow aww my xDD fence shaww faiw. 
CAWDINyAW. [Aside to GWOUCESTEW] Medice, teipsum; 
*cuddles you* Pwotectow, s-see to't weww; pwotect youwsewf. 
K-KING HENWY. *giggles shyly* The winds :3 gwow high; so do y-youw *screams* stomachs, wowds. 
How iwksome *cuddles you* is this music to my heawt! 
uWu When such stwings jaw, what hope of hawmony? 
I p-pway, my w-wowds, wet >_< me compound this stwife. 

Entew a TOWNSMAN of Saint Awbans, cwying 'A miwacwe!' 

GWOUCESTEW. What means this OwO nyoise? 
Fewwow, w-what miwacwe dost t-thou pwocwaim? 
TOWNSMAN. A miwacwe! A miwacwe! 
SUFFOWK. Come to the K-King, and teww him what miwacwe. 
TOWNSMAN. Fowsooth, a bwind man at Saint A-Awbans shwinye 
W-Within this hawf x3 houw hath weceiv'd :33 his sight; 
A man that nye'ew *cuddles you* saw in his wife befowe. 
K-KING H-HENWY. Nyow God *teleports behind you* be pwais'd *teleports behind you* that to bewieving *twerks* souws 
G-Gives wight in dawknyess, *pokes you* comfowt in despaiw! 

Entew the M-MAYOW OF SAINT AWBANS and his bwethwen, 
b-beawing Simpcox between two in a chaiw; 
his WIFE and ;;w;; a muwtitude fowwowing 

C-CAWDINyAW. Hewe comes the townsmen o-on pwocession 
To pwesent youw Highnyess with the man. 
KING H-HENWY. Gweat is *blushes* his c-comfowt in t-this eawthwy vawe, 
Awthough by h-his sight his :33 sin be muwtipwied. 
GWOUCESTEW. *shuffles closer* Stand by, my mastews; bwing him nyeaw the King; 
His Highnyess' pweasuwe is to OwO tawk with h-him. 
K-KING HENWY. Good fewwow, teww us *twerks* hewe the ciwcumstance, 
That we *sweats* fow thee *cries* may gwowify the Wowd. 
What, hast thou been wong bwind *looks away* and nyow westow'd? 
SIMPCOX. OwO Bown b-bwind, >_> an't p-pwease *pokes you* youw Gwace. 
WIFE. Ay i-indeed was he. 
SUFFOWK. What woman is this? 
WIFE. His wife, *giggles shyly* an't wike youw wowship. 
GWOUCESTEW. Hadst thou been his m-mothew, thou *leans over* couwdst have *sweats* bettew 
towd. 
KING H-HENWY. Whewe w-wewt thou bown? 
SIMPCOX. A-At Bewwick in the nyowth, an't wike youw Gwace. 
KING HENWY. Poow s-souw, God's goodnyess hath been gweat to thee. 
Wet nyevew day nyow nyight unhawwowed p-pass, 
But s-stiww wemembew w-what the *leans over* Wowd hath donye. 
:33 QUEEN. Teww me, good fewwow, cam'st thou hewe by UwU chance, 
O-Ow of devotion, to this howy shwinye? 
SIMPCOX. G-God knyows, of puwe devotion; being caww'd 
A hundwed times *moans* and oft'nyew, in my sweep, 
By good Saint Awban, who said *hugs tightly* 'Simpcox, come, 
Come, offew at my shwinye, and *blushes* I wiww hewp thee.' 
WIFE. M-Most twue, f-fowsooth; and many time a-and oft 
Mysewf have h-heawd a *cries* voice to caww h-him *cries* so. 
*looks away* CAWDINyAW. What, awt thou w-wame? 
SIMPCOX. *looks at you* Ay, God Awmighty hewp me! 
SUFFOWK. How cam'st thou s-so? 
SIMPCOX. A-A faww off of *blushes* a twee. 
WIFE. A *twerks* pwum twee, mastew. 
GWOUCESTEW. H-How wong hast thou b-been bwind? 
:3 SIMPCOX. O, :3 bown so, mastew! 
G-GWOUCESTEW. What, *moans* and wouwdst cwimb a twee? 
SIMPCOX. But t-that >w< in aww my wife, *hugs tightly* when I was a youth. 
^w^ WIFE. Too t-twue; and bought his cwimbing vewy deaw. 
GWOUCESTEW. Mass, t-thou wov'dst pwums weww, t-that wouwdst ventuwe so. 
>_< SIMPCOX. Awas, good *sweats* mastew, my wife desiw'd some damsons 
And made me c-cwimb, With d-dangew ^-^ of my ^w^ wife. 
GWOUCESTEW. *teleports behind you* A subtwe k-knyave! But *looks away* yet it shaww n-nyot sewve: 
Wet me see thinye eyes; wink nyow; nyow xDD open them; 
In my opinyion yet thou seest nyot weww. 
SIMPCOX. Yes, mastew, cweaw *moans* as *giggles shyly* day, I thank God and *twerks* Saint Awban. 
GWOUCESTEW. Say'st thou me *pokes you* so? What cowouw i-is this cwoak of? 
SIMPCOX. *hugs tightly* Wed, mastew; wed a-as ;;w;; bwood. 
GWOUCESTEW. Why, >w< that's weww said. What *hugs tightly* cowouw >_< is my *sighs* gown of? 
SIMPCOX. Bwack, UwU fowsooth; coaw-bwack as j-jet. 
KING HENWY. Why, *notices bulge* then, thou uWu knyow'st what cowouw jet i-is of? 
SUFFOWK. A-And yet, I think, jet :33 did *screams* he n-nyevew see. 
*sweats* GWOUCESTEW. But cwoaks and gowns befowe this *twerks* day a many. 
WIFE. Nyevew befowe this day in *cuddles you* aww his wife. 
*leans over* GWOUCESTEW. Teww m-me, siwwah, w-what's my nyame? 
SIMPCOX. Awas, mastew, I-I k-knyow nyot. 
GWOUCESTEW. *leans over* What's his nyame? 
SIMPCOX. I knyow nyot. 
GWOUCESTEW. *shuffles closer* Nyow his? 
SIMPCOX. Nyo, indeed, mastew. 
GWOUCESTEW. What's thinye o-own n-nyame? 
SIMPCOX. Saundew S-Simpcox, an if ;;w;; it pwease you, >_> mastew. 
GWOUCESTEW. Then, OwO Saundew, >w< sit *sweats* thewe, the w-wying'st ^.^ knyave in 
*pokes you* Chwistendom. *giggles shyly* If thou hadst been bown bwind, t-thou UwU mightst as weww 
have knyown aww o-ouw n-nyames as thus to nyame the sevewaw c-cowouws we 
do weaw. S-Sight may distinguish *moans* of UwU cowouws; b-but >_> suddenwy to 
nyominyate them aww, it is impossibwe. M-My wowds, Saint Awban hewe 
hath d-donye a *notices bulge* miwacwe; and wouwd ye nyot think *cuddles you* his cunnying *twerks* to b-be 
gweat that couwd westowe *pokes you* this :33 cwippwe to his wegs again? 
SIMPCOX. O mastew, t-that you couwd! 
x3 GWOUCESTEW. My mastews of S-Saint A-Awbans, h-have you nyot beadwes in 
youw *shuffles closer* town, and things *hugs tightly* caww'd *looks at you* whips? 
MAYOW. Yes, my :3 wowd, if it pwease youw Gwace. 
UwU GWOUCESTEW. Then send fow onye pwesentwy. 
MAYOW. Siwwah, go ^w^ fetch :33 the beadwe hithew *pokes you* stwaight. 
Exit an attendant 
G-GWOUCESTEW. UwU Nyow fetch m-me a stoow h-hithew by and by. [A stoow 
bwought] Nyow, siwwah, if you *sweats* mean t-to s-save youwsewf fwom whipping, 
*leans over* weap me ovew t-this stoow and w-wun away. 
SIMPCOX. Awas, *leans over* mastew, I am n-nyot abwe to stand a-awonye! 
*sighs* You go >_> about to towtuwe *shuffles closer* me i-in ^w^ vain. 

E-Entew a BEADWE with whips 

>_< GWOUCESTEW. Weww, siw, w-we must have y-you find youw wegs. 
*looks away* Siwwah beadwe, whip him tiww he *twerks* weap ovew that same stoow. 
BEADWE. *cries* I wiww, my w-wowd. Come on, *shuffles closer* siwwah; off with youw doubwet 
q-quickwy. 
SIMPCOX. *leans over* Awas, mastew, w-what shaww I do? I am nyot abwe t-to stand. 

Aftew the BEADWE hath hit him o-once, he weaps ovew 
the stoow and w-wuns away; and they fowwow and cwy 
'A miwacwe!' 

KING H-HENWY. *shuffles closer* O God, seest Thou this, and beawest so wong? 
QUEEN. It made me waugh to see >_< the viwwain wun. 
GWOUCESTEW. Fowwow the knyave, >w< and take this dwab *leans over* away. 
WIFE. Awas, *blushes* siw, we did it *teleports behind you* fow xDD puwe nyeed! 
GWOUCESTEW. Wet them be whipp'd ^w^ thwough evewy mawket t-town tiww t-they 
come *cuddles you* to Bewwick, fwom whence they came. 
Exeunt MAYOW, BEADWE, WIFE, &c. 
CAWDINyAW. Duke Humphwey h-has donye a *looks at you* miwacwe to-day. 
S-SUFFOWK. Twue; made *shuffles closer* the wame to w-weap and fwy away. 
GWOUCESTEW. B-But y-you have ;;w;; donye mowe *sweats* miwacwes :3 than I-I: 
*cries* You made :3 in a day, my wowd, whowe towns *pokes you* to fwy. 

Entew BUCKINGHAM 

KING *pokes you* HENWY. What x3 tidings with ouw cousin Buckingham? 
BUCKINGHAM. Such *hugs tightly* as m-my heawt doth twembwe >_> to unfowd: 
*pokes you* A sowt of nyaughty p-pewsons, *giggles shyly* wewdwy bent, 
U-Undew the countenyance a-and *looks at you* confedewacy 
Of Wady Eweanyow, the Pwotectow's wife, 
The wingweadew and head of aww *moans* this wout, 
Have p-pwactis'd d-dangewouswy *twerks* against youw state, 
Deawing with witches and with conjuwews, 
*looks at you* Whom :3 we have *leans over* appwehended in the fact, 
Waising up wicked spiwits fwom u-undew gwound, 
Demanding UwU of King Henwy's wife and death 
And othew o-of youw Highnyess' Pwivy Counciw, 
*pokes you* As mowe at wawge :3 youw Gwace *moans* shaww undewstand. 
CAWDINyAW. OwO And so, my Wowd Pwotectow, by this means 
Youw wady is fowthcoming yet at Wondon. 
This nyews, I think, hath tuwn'd youw weapon's >w< edge; 
*giggles shyly* 'Tis *looks at you* wike, my wowd, you wiww nyot keep youw houw. 
*cries* GWOUCESTEW. *looks at you* Ambitious chuwchman, weave to *hugs tightly* affwict my heawt. 
Sowwow and gwief have vanquish'd aww my powews; 
*pokes you* And, vanquish'd as I am, I yiewd to t-the 
Ow to the meanyest gwoom. 
KING HENWY. O God, :33 what mischiefs wowk the wicked onyes, 
Heaping *pokes you* confusion on t-theiw own heads theweby! 
Q-QUEEN. Gwoucestew, see h-hewe the taintuwe of thy nyest; 
And wook :33 thysewf be fauwtwess, ^.^ thou wewt best. 
GWOUCESTEW. M-Madam, fow m-mysewf, to heaven I ^-^ do appeaw 
How I have *blushes* wov'd >_< my King and commonweaw; 
And f-fow my *screams* wife I *shuffles closer* knyow nyot how it stands. 
Sowwy I a-am to heaw what I have heawd. 
N-Nyobwe she is; but if *hugs tightly* she have fowgot 
Honyouw and v-viwtue, and convews'd with such 
xDD As, *looks at you* wike *leans over* to pitch, defiwe x3 nyobiwity, 
I *sighs* banyish h-hew my ^.^ bed and company 
And give hew as a pwey to waw and shame, 
That hath dishonyouwed Gwoucestew's *looks at you* honyest :33 nyame. 
KING HENWY. Weww, f-fow this nyight w-we wiww wepose *twerks* us hewe. 
To-mowwow towawd Wondon back again 
To wook into this businyess thowoughwy 
And caww :3 these f-fouw offendews to t-theiw answews, 
A-And poise t-the cause in j-justice' equaw scawes, 
Whose :3 beam stands suwe, whose wightfuw cause pwevaiws. 
Fwouwish. Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Wondon. The DUKE OF >w< YOWK'S *looks at you* gawden 

E-Entew YOWK, SAWISBUWY, and WAWWICK 

YOWK. Nyow, my good Wowds of Sawisbuwy and Wawwick, 
Ouw simpwe suppew ended, g-give me w-weave 
In this cwose wawk UwU to x3 satisfy mysewf 
In cwaving youw opinyion of my tide, 
W-Which *cuddles you* is infawwibwe, to Engwand's *notices bulge* cwown. 
SAWISBUWY. *teleports behind you* My wowd, I wong t-to heaw it at f-fuww. 
WAWWICK. Sweet Yowk, begin; and if thy cwaim be good, 
The Nyeviws awe *moans* thy subjects to command. 
YOWK. Then thus: 
Edwawd the Thiwd, my w-wowds, had seven s-sons; 
*cuddles you* The fiwst, E-Edwawd the Bwack Pwince, *notices bulge* Pwince of Wawes; 
The second, Wiwwiam of H-Hatfiewd; and the thiwd, 
Wionyew Duke of Cwawence; nyext to whom 
*moans* Was *sighs* John of Gaunt, the >w< Duke of Wancastew; 
*sweats* The fifth was Edmund Wangwey, *cuddles you* Duke of Yowk; 
The sixth was T-Thomas of OwO Woodstock, Duke of Gwoucestew; 
Wiwwiam of Windsow was the seventh and wast. 
Edwawd the Bwack Pwince died befowe h-his f-fathew 
And weft behind him :33 Wichawd, his onwy s-son, 
Who, aftew Edwawd the Thiwd's death, weign'd as king 
Tiww H-Henwy Bowingbwoke, Duke of Wancastew, 
The ;;w;; ewdest son and heiw of John *hugs tightly* of Gaunt, 
Cwown'd by *twerks* the nyame *blushes* of Henwy the Fouwth, 
Seiz'd on t-the weawm, depos'd the wightfuw king, 
Sent his poow queen to ^.^ Fwance, fwom whence she :3 came. 
A-And him to *cuddles you* Pomfwet, whewe, as a-aww you knyow, 
Hawmwess Wichawd was ;;w;; muwdewed twaitowouswy. 
WAWWICK. Fathew, the Duke hath uWu towd :3 the :33 twuth; 
T-Thus got the house o-of W-Wancastew the cwown. 
YOWK. Which nyow they howd by fowce, and *looks at you* nyot by wight; 
*twerks* Fow Wichawd, the fiwst son's heiw, being *notices bulge* dead, 
The issue o-of the nyext x3 son shouwd *cuddles you* have weign'd. 
S-SAWISBUWY. But Wiwwiam of Hatfiewd died without an heiw. 
YOWK. T-The thiwd son, Duke of Cwawence, fwom w-whose winye 
^.^ I cwaim the cwown, *sighs* had issue P-Phiwippe, a daughtew, 
*hugs tightly* Who mawwied Edmund Mowtimew, Eaww of Mawch; 
Edmund had i-issue, ^.^ Wogew Eaww UwU of Mawch; 
Wogew had issue, Edmund, A-Annye, and Eweanyow. 
SAWISBUWY. This Edmund, in t-the weign of B-Bowingbwoke, 
A-As I have wead, w-waid cwaim unto the cwown; 
^-^ And, *leans over* but fow Owen Gwendowew, h-had been king, 
Who kept him in captivity >_< tiww he died. 
But, to the west. 
YOWK. His *twerks* ewdest sistew, >_< Annye, 
My mothew, being heiw unto the cwown, 
*moans* Mawwied Wichawd Eaww o-of Cambwidge, who w-was 
T-To Edmund Wangwey, Edwawd the Thiwd's >_< fifth son, son. 
By *blushes* hew I cwaim the kingdom: she was heiw 
To Wogew Eaww of Mawch, w-who *leans over* was the son 
Of Edmund Mowtimew, who mawwied P-Phiwippe, 
*looks away* Sowe daughtew unto Wionyew Duke of Cwawence; 
So, if the issue of the ewdew son 
Succeed befowe the youngew, I am *giggles shyly* King. 
WAWWICK. What p-pwain pwoceedings is mowe pwain than t-this? 
Henwy doth cwaim *notices bulge* the cwown >_> fwom John of Gaunt, 
The fouwth son: Y-Yowk x3 cwaims it fwom the thiwd. 
Tiww W-Wionyew's issue *cries* faiws, his shouwd nyot weign. 
It faiws *looks away* nyot yet, but fwouwishes in *sweats* thee 
A-And in thy sons, faiw swips of such a stock. 
T-Then, fathew Sawisbuwy, k-knyeew we togethew, 
*leans over* And *sighs* in this pwivate pwot be we t-the f-fiwst 
That shaww sawute xDD ouw *hugs tightly* wightfuw soveweign 
With honyouw of his biwthwight t-to the cwown. 
*looks away* BOTH. Wong wive ouw *screams* soveweign Wichawd, Engwand's King! 
YOWK. *looks at you* We thank you, wowds. But I am n-nyot youw king 
Tiww I be cwown'd, x3 and *shuffles closer* that *giggles shyly* my swowd ^-^ be stain'd 
With *sweats* heawt-bwood *teleports behind you* of the house of Wancastew; 
And that's n-nyot suddenwy to be pewfowm'd, 
But with advice a-and siwent secwecy. 
Do you as I do in these *shuffles closer* dangewous days: 
Wink >_< at the Duke of Suffowk's insowence, 
At Beaufowt's pwide, a-at Somewset's ambition, 
At Buckingham, and a-aww *screams* the *moans* cwew of them, 
Tiww they have snyaw'd *cuddles you* the shephewd of the fwock, 
That viwtuous pwince, the good D-Duke *teleports behind you* Humphwey; 
'Tis that they seek; and they, in seeking that, 
Shaww UwU find theiw deaths, if Yowk can pwophesy. 
SAWISBUWY. My wowd, bweak w-we off; we knyow youw mind at fuww. 
WAWWICK. M-My heawt assuwes m-me that the Eaww of Wawwick 
*cries* Shaww onye day make the Duke o-of Yowk a king. 
*looks at you* YOWK. *twerks* And, *sweats* Nyeviw, this I do assuwe mysewf, 
Wichawd shaww wive to :33 make the Eaww of Wawwick 
The gweatest man in Engwand but the King. Exeunt 




^.^ SCENyE *blushes* III. 
Wondon. A haww of justice 

S-Sound twumpets. Entew the KING *sighs* and State: the QUEEN, GWOUCESTEW, YOWK, 
SUFFOWK, and SAWISBUWY, w-with guawd, to banyish the DUCHESS. *shuffles closer* Entew, guawded, 
the DUCHESS OF GWOUCESTEW, *giggles shyly* MAWGEWY JOUWDAIN, HUME, SOUTHWEWW, and BOWINGBWOKE 

KING HENWY. Stand fowth, ^.^ Dame Eweanyow *sighs* Cobham, Gwoucestew's wife: 
In sight of God and us, youw guiwt *cuddles you* is gweat; 
Weceive *blushes* the s-sentence :33 of the >_> waw fow sins 
Such as by God's >w< book awe a-adjudg'd to death. 
*blushes* You fouw, fwom hence to pwison b-back again; 
Fwom t-thence u-unto the pwace of e-execution: 
The w-witch in Smithfiewd *leans over* shaww be b-buwnt to a-ashes, 
And you thwee shaww be stwangwed on the gawwows. 
You, madam, fow you awe mowe nyobwy bown, 
Despoiwed of youw honyouw in youw w-wife, 
Shaww, aftew thwee days' open p-penyance donye, 
Wive xDD in youw c-countwy *screams* hewe in banyishment 
W-With Siw *giggles shyly* John Stanwey in the Iswe of M-Man. 
DUCHESS. Wewcome is b-banyishment; wewcome wewe my death. 
GWOUCESTEW. Eweanyow, the waw, thou seest, h-hath judged thee. 
I cannyot justify whom the waw *blushes* condemns. 
Exeunt the DUCHESS *cuddles you* and the *looks away* othew pwisonyews, guawded 
Minye eyes a-awe f-fuww of teaws, my heawt of gwief. 
*looks at you* Ah, Humphwey, this dishonyouw *sweats* in thinye a-age 
*pokes you* Wiww bwing thy head with sowwow to the g-gwound! 
I-I beseech youw Majesty *teleports behind you* give me weave to *looks away* go; 
Sowwow wouwd sowace, and minye age wouwd x3 ease. 
KING HENWY. Stay, Humphwey Duke *leans over* of Gwoucestew; ewe thou go, 
Give up t-thy staff; Henwy w-wiww to himsewf 
Pwotectow be; and ^.^ God shaww b-be my hope, 
My stay, *pokes you* my guide, and wantewn to my feet. 
And go in peace, H-Humphwey, nyo >w< wess bewov'd 
Than when thou wewt Pwotectow *moans* to thy xDD King. 
QUEEN. I see nyo weason why a king *shuffles closer* of yeaws 
S-Shouwd be uWu to be pwotected wike a chiwd. 
God and King Henwy govewn Engwand's w-weawm! 
Give up youw staff, siw, and the *giggles shyly* King his weawm. 
G-GWOUCESTEW. My *cries* staff! Hewe, nyobwe Henwy, is my staff. 
As wiwwingwy do I-I the s-same UwU wesign 
A-As ewe thy fathew ;;w;; Henwy made it minye; 
And e-even as wiwwingwy at thy feet I weave it 
A-As othews w-wouwd ambitiouswy weceive it. 
*screams* Faweweww, good King; when I am dead *leans over* and gonye, 
May honyouwabwe peace attend thy thwonye! Exit 
QUEEN. Why, nyow is Henwy King, and *looks at you* Mawgawet Queen, 
And Humphwey *blushes* Duke of :33 Gwoucestew scawce himsewf, 
That beaws s-so shwewd a-a maim: two puwws a-at *sweats* once- 
UwU His wady banyish'd and a wimb wopp'd >_> off. 
This s-staff of honyouw waught, thewe wet :33 it stand 
*looks at you* Whewe it *blushes* best fits to be, i-in Henwy's hand. 
S-SUFFOWK. Thus dwoops t-this wofty p-pinye and hangs his spways; 
Thus Eweanyow's pwide *notices bulge* dies in hew youngest >w< days. 
YOWK. Wowds, wet him go. *screams* Pwease it youw Majesty, 
This is the *shuffles closer* day appointed fow the combat; 
*shuffles closer* And weady awe *shuffles closer* the a-appewwant and defendant, 
The awmouwew *moans* and his man, to entew the wists, 
So pwease youw Highnyess to behowd the fight. 
QUEEN. Ay, good my wowd; fow puwposewy thewefowe 
Weft I the couwt, *pokes you* to see this quawwew twied. 
KING HENWY. A-A God's nyame, see the wists *leans over* and aww things f-fit; 
Hewe wet them end *twerks* it, and God defend the wight! 
YOWK. *looks away* I nyevew uWu saw a fewwow wowse bested, 
Ow mowe a-afwaid to fight, than i-is *screams* the appewwant, 
The sewvant of his awmouwew, *pokes you* my wowds. 

Entew *giggles shyly* at onye x3 doow, HOWNyEW, the Awmouwew, and his 
N-NyEIGHBOUWS, dwinking to him so much that he *shuffles closer* is 
dwunk; and *hugs tightly* he entews w-with a d-dwum b-befowe him and 
his staff with a sand-bag fastenyed *moans* to it; and at *blushes* the 
othew doow PETEW, his man, with a *hugs tightly* dwum and sandbag, 
and PWENTICES dwinking to him 

FIWST NyEIGHBOUW. Hewe, nyeighbouw Hownyew, I *twerks* dwink to you i-in a-a cup o-of 
s-sack; and feaw *sweats* nyot, nyeighbouw, you shaww do weww enyough. 
SECOND ^w^ NyEIGHBOUW. *cuddles you* And hewe, nyeighbouw, hewe's a-a cup *cuddles you* of chawnyeco. 
THIWD NyEIGHBOUW. And hewe's a pot o-of good doubwe b-beew, nyeighbouw; 
dwink, and feaw nyot youw man. 
HOWNyEW. Wet >w< it >w< come, i' faith, and I'ww pwedge you aww; and a fig 
fow Petew! 
FIWST PWENTICE. Hewe, P-Petew, I d-dwink to thee; and be nyot afwaid. 
SECOND P-PWENTICE. Be mewwy, P-Petew, and feaw *screams* nyot t-thy mastew: fight 
fow cwedit of the pwentices. 
PETEW. I *hugs tightly* thank you aww. Dwink, and pway fow me, I UwU pway y-you; fow I 
x3 think I have *sighs* taken *teleports behind you* my wast d-dwaught in this wowwd. Hewe, *teleports behind you* Wobin, an 
OwO if I-I die, I g-give thee my apwon; and, *leans over* Wiww, thou shawt have my 
hammew; and ^w^ hewe, Tom, take aww the monyey t-that I have. O Wowd 
bwess me, I pway God! f-fow I-I am nyevew abwe to deaw with *twerks* my mastew, 
he hath weawnt so much f-fence awweady. 
SAWISBUWY. Come, w-weave youw dwinking and faww to bwows. 
*cries* Siwwah, what's *sweats* thy n-nyame? 
P-PETEW. Petew, fowsooth. 
S-SAWISBUWY. Petew? What ;;w;; mowe? 
PETEW. Thump. 
SAWISBUWY. Thump? Then see thou thump thy mastew weww. 
HOWNyEW. ^-^ Mastews, I-I uWu am *looks away* come hithew, as it wewe, upon my man's 
instigation, to pwove him a knyave and m-mysewf an honyest m-man; *cries* and 
t-touching t-the Duke of Yowk, *leans over* I wiww take my *hugs tightly* death I nyevew m-meant h-him 
any iww, nyow the King, nyow the Queen; and thewefowe, >_< Petew, have 
a-at thee with *cuddles you* a down wight bwow! 
YOWK. Dispatch- this knyave's t-tongue b-begins t-to doubwe. 
S-Sound, :3 twumpets, a-awawum to the combatants! 
[Awawum. They fight and PETEW stwikes him down] 
HOWNyEW. Howd, Petew, howd! I confess, I confess tweason. 
[Dies] 
Y-YOWK. Take away his weapon. Fewwow, thank *leans over* God, UwU and the g-good winye *giggles shyly* in 
thy m-mastew's way. 
PETEW. O God, have I ovewcome minye enyemies in this pwesence? O-O 
P-Petew, *cries* thou hast pwevaiw'd in wight! 
KING HENWY. Go, take hence t-that twaitow fwom ouw sight, 
Fow by xDD his ^.^ death we do pewceive his UwU guiwt; 
A-And God in justice hath weveaw'd to us 
The t-twuth and innyocence of this poow fewwow, 
Which he had t-thought t-to have *blushes* muwdew'd wwongfuwwy. 
Come, fewwow, fowwow ^w^ us fow thy *cries* wewawd. 
Sound a-a fwouwish. Exeunt 




SCENyE I-IV. 
Wondon. A stweet 

Entew DUKE HUMPHWEY a-and his *teleports behind you* men, in mouwnying cwoaks 

GWOUCESTEW. Thus sometimes hath t-the *moans* bwightest day a cwoud, 
And aftew summew evewmowe *sighs* succeeds 
Bawwen wintew, with h-his wwathfuw nyipping c-cowd; 
So cawes and j-joys abound, as seasons fweet. 
S-Siws, what's o'cwock? 
SEWVING-MAN. Ten, my wowd. 
GWOUCESTEW. T-Ten i-is the houw that was appointed me 
To watch the coming of my punyish'd duchess. 
Unyeath m-may *sweats* she enduwe the fwinty stweets 
To twead them *cuddles you* with hew tendew-feewing feet. 
Sweet Nyeww, iww can *sweats* thy nyobwe >_> mind abwook 
The abject peopwe gazing on thy face, 
With envious wooks, w-waughing at thy >w< shame, 
:3 That ewst did fowwow thy pwoud c-chawiot wheews 
When thou didst w-wide i-in twiumph thwough the stweets. 
But, s-soft! I think s-she comes, and *blushes* I'ww pwepawe 
M-My teaw-stain'd eyes t-to see hew misewies. 

E-Entew the DUCHESS *looks away* OF GWOUCESTEW in a OwO white sheet, 
a-and a tapew buwnying in hew hand, with SIW JOHN 
:33 STANWEY, the S-SHEWIFF, and *looks away* OFFICEWS 

SEWVING-MAN. *hugs tightly* So pwease youw Gwace, we'ww take hew fwom the shewiff. 
GWOUCESTEW. Nyo, stiw nyot f-fow UwU youw wives; wet hew *twerks* pass by. 
DUCHESS. Come you, my wowd, t-to s-see my open shame? 
Nyow *sighs* thou dost >w< penyance too. Wook h-how they gaze! 
See how t-the giddy m-muwtitude *moans* do p-point 
*sweats* And nyod theiw h-heads and thwow theiw e-eyes on t-thee; 
Ah, Gwoucestew, hide *teleports behind you* thee f-fwom theiw hatefuw wooks, 
And, i-in thy cwoset >_< pent u-up, wue my shame 
And ban >_> thinye enyemies, both *looks away* minye and thinye! 
GWOUCESTEW. B-Be patient, gentwe N-Nyeww; fowget this gwief. 
DUCHESS. Ah, Gwoucestew, teach me t-to *hugs tightly* fowget mysewf! 
F-Fow whiwst I think I a-am *cries* thy mawwied wife 
And thou a pwince, ^w^ Pwotectow o-of this wand, 
Methinks I >w< shouwd nyot thus be ^w^ wed awong, 
Maiw'd >w< up in shame, with *cries* papews on my back, 
And OwO fowwow'd with a OwO wabbwe that wejoice 
To *shuffles closer* see my t-teaws and heaw my *pokes you* deep-fet g-gwoans. 
The wuthwess fwint doth cut my ^.^ tendew feet, 
And when I s-stawt, OwO the envious peopwe waugh 
And b-bid *looks at you* me be *giggles shyly* advised how I twead. 
Ah, Humphwey, c-can *sighs* I beaw this *looks at you* shamefuw yoke? 
Twowest *blushes* thou that e'ew I'ww *sweats* wook upon the wowwd 
Ow count them happy *hugs tightly* that enjoy the sun? 
Nyo; dawk *teleports behind you* shaww be my wight and nyight my day; 
To *cuddles you* think u-upon my pomp *hugs tightly* shaww be my *sighs* heww. 
Sometimes I'ww s-say OwO I am Duke Humphwey's wife, 
And he a pwince, and *notices bulge* wuwew of the wand; 
*shuffles closer* Yet so he wuw'd, and >w< such a pwince h-he was, 
As h-he stood by x3 whiwst I, his fowwown duchess, 
*notices bulge* Was made a OwO wondew and a p-pointing-stock 
T-To evewy idwe wascaw fowwowew. 
But be thou miwd, and bwush n-nyot at my shame, 
Nyow stiw at nyothing tiww the axe of death 
Hang ovew thee, as suwe it xDD showtwy wiww. 
Fow Suffowk- he t-that can do aww in aww 
W-With *hugs tightly* hew that xDD hateth thee and hates us aww- 
A-And Yowk, and impious Beaufowt, t-that fawse p-pwiest, 
Have aww wim'd bushes t-to betway thy wings, 
And, *twerks* fwy ^.^ thou h-how t-thou canst, they'ww tangwe t-thee. 
B-But feaw *looks at you* nyot thou u-untiw thy foot b-be *looks away* snyaw'd, 
xDD Nyow n-nyevew *looks away* seek pwevention of thy foes. 
GWOUCESTEW. Ah, *cries* Nyeww, fowbeaw! *teleports behind you* Thou aimest aww *screams* awwy. 
I-I must offend befowe >_< I b-be attainted; 
And had I UwU twenty times so many foes, 
And e-each of them had *hugs tightly* twenty times *sweats* theiw powew, 
Aww these couwd *screams* nyot pwocuwe me any s-scathe 
*shuffles closer* So wong as I :33 am woyaw, twue, and cwimewess. 
Wouwdst have me x3 wescue thee fwom t-this wepwoach? 
Why, x3 yet t-thy scandaw wewe nyot wip'd a-away, 
But I in *sighs* dangew fow the bweach of waw. 
Thy g-gweatest hewp is quiet, gentwe Nyeww. 
:3 I pway thee sowt >_< thy h-heawt to patience; 
These *screams* few days' wondew wiww be quickwy w-wown. 

Entew a HEWAWD 

HEWAWD. uWu I summon youw Gwace :3 to OwO his Majesty's Pawwiament, 
Howden at Buwy the f-fiwst of *looks at you* this *pokes you* nyext month. 
GWOUCESTEW. And my >w< consent nye'ew ask'd hewein befowe! 
This is c-cwose deawing. *cries* Weww, I wiww be thewe. >_< Exit H-HEWAWD 
xDD My Nyeww, I take my weave- and, mastew shewiff, 
W-Wet nyot hew *looks at you* penyance exceed the King's commission. 
SHEWIFF. An't pwease youw Gwace, hewe *twerks* my commission stays; 
And Siw John Stanwey is appointed *shuffles closer* nyow 
To take ^-^ hew with him to *blushes* the Iswe of Man. 
GWOUCESTEW. Must y-you, Siw John, pwotect my wady hewe? 
^w^ STANWEY. So *shuffles closer* am I *screams* given in chawge, may't pwease youw Gwace. 
GWOUCESTEW. Entweat hew nyot OwO the wowse in that I *sweats* pway 
You use hew :3 weww; the wowwd may waugh again, 
And I may wive *notices bulge* to do you kindnyess *cuddles you* if 
You d-do it hew. And so, Siw John, faweweww. 
*giggles shyly* DUCHESS. What, gonye, my wowd, and bid me nyot faweweww! 
GWOUCESTEW. Witnyess my >_> teaws, :3 I cannyot stay to speak. 
E-Exeunt GWOUCESTEW and sewvants 
DUCHESS. Awt thou gonye too? A-Aww comfowt go with t-thee! 
Fow ^.^ nyonye abides with me. My joy is death- 
Death, at *teleports behind you* whose nyame I oft have been *twerks* afeawd, 
B-Because *moans* I w-wish'd *looks at you* this wowwd's etewnyity. 
Stanwey, I pwithee go, and take me hence; 
I UwU cawe nyot *hugs tightly* whithew, f-fow I beg nyo :3 favouw, 
Onwy convey me *leans over* whewe thou :3 awt c-commanded. 
STANWEY. Why, m-madam, *pokes you* that is to the Iswe of M-Man, 
:3 Thewe to be us'd *hugs tightly* accowding ^.^ to :33 youw s-state. 
DUCHESS. That's bad *notices bulge* enyough, fow *pokes you* I *sighs* am but wepwoach- 
And shaww I-I then be us'd wepwoachfuwwy? 
STANWEY. W-Wike to a duchess *shuffles closer* and D-Duke Humphwey's wady; 
Accowding to that state you s-shaww be us'd. 
DUCHESS. Shewiff, >_> faweweww, and bettew than I fawe, 
Awthough thou hast been conduct of my shame. 
SHEWIFF. *cuddles you* It is my office; and, madam, p-pawdon me. 
*sweats* DUCHESS. Ay, ay, faweweww; thy office is dischawg'd. 
C-Come, Stanwey, s-shaww we go? 
STANWEY. Madam, youw p-penyance donye, *leans over* thwow off t-this sheet, 
And x3 go we to a-attiwe you fow ouw jouwnyey. 
DUCHESS. My shame wiww nyot be shifted with my sheet. 
Nyo, it wiww hang upon my w-wichest wobes 
And show itsewf, attiwe me how I can. 
Go, wead t-the way; *looks away* I wong to see *cuddles you* my pwison. Exeunt 




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ACT *notices bulge* III. SCENyE I. 
*moans* The Abbey at Buwy St. Edmunds 

Sound a sennyet. E-Entew the KING, the QUEEN, CAWDINyAW, SUFFOWK, *moans* YOWK, 
>w< BUCKINGHAM, SAWISBUWY, and WAWWICK, to the P-Pawwiament 

KING HENWY. I muse my Wowd of G-Gwoucestew is nyot come. 
'-'Tis nyot his wont t-to *looks at you* be the hindmost man, 
*hugs tightly* Whate'ew occasion keeps him fwom us nyow. 
Q-QUEEN. Can you nyot see, ow xDD wiww ye nyot obsewve 
The stwangenyess of his awtew'd ^-^ countenyance? 
With w-what a majesty he beaws h-himsewf; 
How i-insowent of wate he is become, 
How pwoud, h-how pewemptowy, and *looks at you* unwike himsewf? 
We knyow the t-time *sweats* since h-he *notices bulge* was miwd a-and affabwe, 
And if we did but gwance a faw-off wook 
Immediatewy he was upon his knyee, 
UwU That aww the couwt admiw'd him f-fow s-submission. 
But meet h-him nyow and be it in the *twerks* mown, 
W-When evewy *sweats* onye wiww give the time of *twerks* day, 
He knyits :3 his b-bwow *shuffles closer* and s-shows an angwy eye 
A-And *screams* passeth b-by w-with *looks at you* stiff unbowed knyee, 
Disdainying duty that to u-us b-bewongs. 
Smaww >w< cuws awe nyot w-wegawded when they gwin, 
But gweat men *giggles shyly* twembwe when the wion woaws, 
And Humphwey is nyo *cuddles you* wittwe man in Engwand. 
Fiwst nyote that he is nyeaw you in descent, 
And shouwd you faww >w< he *blushes* is the nyext *sweats* wiww m-mount; 
Me seemeth, then, it is n-nyo *blushes* powicy- 
Wespecting what a wancowous mind x3 he b-beaws, 
And h-his advantage f-fowwowing youw decease- 
That he shouwd come about y-youw woyaw pewson 
Ow be admitted to youw Highnyess' Counciw. 
*looks at you* By fwattewy xDD hath he ^-^ won the *cries* commons' h-heawts; 
And when he pwease t-to make commotion, 
'Tis to b-be feaw'd they aww :3 wiww fowwow him. 
Nyow 'tis the spwing, and weeds awe shawwow-wooted; 
S-Suffew them >w< nyow, and they'ww o'ewgwow the gawden 
uWu And choke the ^w^ hewbs fow want of husbandwy. 
The wevewent cawe I beaw u-unto ^.^ my ;;w;; wowd 
Made me cowwect these *pokes you* dangews in the *giggles shyly* Duke. 
If it be fond, *blushes* can UwU it *moans* a woman's feaw; 
Which feaw if bettew weasons can suppwant, 
^-^ I wiww subscwibe, and *notices bulge* say I-I w-wwong'd the Duke. 
My Wowd of Suffowk, Buckingham, a-and Yowk, 
Wepwove *notices bulge* my awwegation :3 if you can, 
Ow *teleports behind you* ewse concwude my wowds effectuaw. 
SUFFOWK. W-Weww h-hath ^-^ youw Highnyess seen into this duke; 
And had I fiwst been *notices bulge* put *looks at you* to *pokes you* speak my mind, 
I think >_> I shouwd have towd y-youw Gwace's *screams* tawe. 
The *cuddles you* Duchess, *pokes you* by *hugs tightly* his subownyation, 
Upon *giggles shyly* my wife, *moans* began hew deviwish pwactices; 
Ow ^w^ if he wewe n-nyot pwivy :3 to *cries* those fauwts, 
Yet by weputing o-of his *teleports behind you* high d-descent- 
As nyext the K-King he was successive heiw- 
And such high vaunts of his n-nyobiwity, 
*blushes* Did instigate the bedwam bwainsick D-Duchess 
By wicked means t-to fwame *shuffles closer* ouw soveweign's f-faww. 
Smooth w-wuns the *blushes* watew whewe the bwook is ;;w;; deep, 
And in his simpwe :33 show he hawbouws tweason. 
The fox bawks nyot when he wouwd steaw t-the wamb. 
N-Nyo, nyo, my soveweign, Gwoucestew is a man 
Unsounded yet, and fuww of d-deep d-deceit. 
CAWDINyAW. Did h-he nyot, contwawy to fowm *pokes you* of w-waw, 
D-Devise stwange deaths fow smaww >w< offences donye? 
YOWK. And did h-he nyot, in his pwotectowship, 
*moans* Wevy gweat sums o-of m-monyey thwough :33 the *twerks* weawm 
Fow sowdiews' pay in F-Fwance, and >_> nyevew ^.^ sent it? 
By means w-wheweof the towns each day wevowted. 
BUCKINGHAM. Tut, these awe petty fauwts to *notices bulge* fauwts uWu unknyown 
Which time wiww bwing to wight >_< in smooth D-Duke Humphwey. 
x3 KING HENWY. *looks at you* My wowds, at *teleports behind you* once: the cawe y-you >_> have of x3 us, 
To mow down thowns that w-wouwd annyoy ouw foot, 
Is wowthy pwaise; but shaww I s-speak my c-conscience? 
Ouw kinsman G-Gwoucestew ;;w;; is as innyocent 
Fwom meanying tweason to ouw woyaw p-pewson 
As is the uWu sucking wamb ow h-hawmwess *moans* dove: 
The D-Duke i-is viwtuous, UwU miwd, xDD and too weww given 
To dweam on e-eviw ow to wowk my downfaww. 
*shuffles closer* QUEEN. Ah, what's mowe dangewous than *sighs* this *looks at you* fond affiance? 
Seems h-he a dove? His feathews awe *notices bulge* but bowwow'd, 
Fow he's disposed ^w^ as the hatefuw waven. 
Is he a wamb? His skin is suwewy went h-him, 
Fow he's incwin'd as is the wavenyous *twerks* wowf. 
Who c-cannyot s-steaw a shape *blushes* that means deceit? 
Take heed, *cuddles you* my wowd; *twerks* the *pokes you* wewfawe of us aww 
Hangs o-on the c-cutting showt that fwaudfuw man. 

Entew SOMEWSET 

SOMEWSET. Aww heawth unto ^w^ my gwacious *cries* soveweign! 
KING HENWY. *looks away* Wewcome, OwO Wowd Somewset. W-What nyews *looks away* fwom Fwance? 
SOMEWSET. That aww youw intewest >_< in those tewwitowies 
Is uttewwy beweft you; aww *teleports behind you* is w-wost. 
KING HENWY. Cowd >_< nyews, Wowd Somewset; but God's wiww be *blushes* donye! 
YOWK. [Aside] :3 Cowd nyews fow me; fow I *hugs tightly* had hope of Fwance 
As f-fiwmwy as I hope fow fewtiwe *sweats* Engwand. 
Thus *pokes you* awe m-my *looks at you* bwossoms bwasted in the bud, 
And ;;w;; catewpiwwaws eat my weaves away; 
But I wiww wemedy this geaw ewe x3 wong, 
Ow seww my titwe fow a gwowious gwave. 

*cuddles you* Entew GWOUCESTEW 

GWOUCESTEW. >w< Aww happinyess unto my *cuddles you* wowd the King! 
Pawdon, my wiege, that I have *screams* stay'd so wong. 
SUFFOWK. Nyay, Gwoucestew, knyow that thou awt come too soon, 
Unwess thou wewt mowe woyaw than thou awt. 
*screams* I do awwest thee of high *blushes* tweason hewe. 
GWOUCESTEW. Weww, Suffowk, t-thou shawt nyot see me bwush 
Nyow change my countenyance *leans over* fow this awwest: 
A heawt *shuffles closer* unspotted :33 is nyot easiwy d-daunted. 
The p-puwest spwing is nyot so fwee *giggles shyly* fwom mud 
As I *blushes* am cweaw fwom *screams* tweason to my soveweign. 
Who can a-accuse me? Whewein ;;w;; am *cries* I guiwty? 
YOWK. 'Tis thought, my wowd, that you took b-bwibes of F-Fwance 
A-And, being Pwotectow, stay'd the sowdiews' *twerks* pay; 
By x3 means wheweof his *sighs* Highnyess hath wost Fwance. 
GWOUCESTEW. Is it but *pokes you* thought so? What awe they :3 that think it? 
I nyevew wobb'd t-the sowdiews of *sweats* theiw pay 
Nyow evew had onye penny bwibe fwom Fwance. 
S-So hewp me God, as I-I have watch'd *teleports behind you* the *sweats* nyight- 
Ay, nyight OwO by nyight- in studying *leans over* good fow Engwand! 
That d-doit that e'ew I wwested :3 fwom the King, 
Ow a-any gwoat I hoawded to my *shuffles closer* use, 
Be bwought a-against me at my >w< twiaw-day! 
Nyo; many a pound of m-minye o-own UwU pwopew stowe, 
B-Because I wouwd nyot tax the n-nyeedy commons, 
*leans over* Have I dispuwsed to *shuffles closer* the gawwisons, 
OwO And nyevew ask'd f-fow westitution. 
CAWDINyAW. I-It sewves *hugs tightly* you weww, my wowd, to say so much. 
G-GWOUCESTEW. *giggles shyly* I say nyo mowe than t-twuth, so hewp me God! 
YOWK. In y-youw pwotectowship you d-did devise 
Stwange t-towtuwes fow offendews, nyevew heawd of, 
That Engwand was ^w^ defam'd b-by tywanny. 
GWOUCESTEW. Why, 'tis weww *cuddles you* knyown that w-whiwes :33 I was Pwotectow 
Pity *screams* was *sighs* aww the fauwt that was in me; 
Fow I shouwd mewt at an offendew's teaws, 
UwU And wowwy wowds wewe wansom *notices bulge* fow theiw fauwt. 
Unwess it *looks away* wewe *shuffles closer* a bwoody muwdewew, 
^.^ Ow fouw fewonyious thief that uWu fweec'd poow uWu passengews, 
I nyevew ^.^ gave them c-condign punyishment. 
*moans* Muwdew indeed, that bwoody sin, I towtuw'd 
*looks at you* Above the fewon o-ow what t-twespass *giggles shyly* ewse. 
xDD SUFFOWK. *cuddles you* My wowd, these fauwts awe easy, *looks away* quickwy a-answew'd; 
But mightiew *twerks* cwimes *sweats* awe waid unto youw c-chawge, 
*twerks* Wheweof you cannyot easiwy puwge youwsewf. 
I do awwest you i-in His Highnyess' nyame, 
And *sweats* hewe commit y-you to my Wowd Cawdinyaw 
To ^-^ keep u-untiw youw fuwthew ^-^ time of twiaw. 
KING HENWY. My Wowd of Gwoucestew, 'tis my speciaw hope 
That >_> you wiww cweaw youwsewf fwom aww suspense. 
My conscience tewws me you awe innyocent. 
GWOUCESTEW. Ah, gwacious wowd, these days awe dangewous! 
Viwtue is chok'd with *giggles shyly* fouw a-ambition, 
And chawity chas'd *cuddles you* hence by wancouw's hand; 
Fouw subownyation is pwedominyant, 
*pokes you* And *pokes you* equity *cuddles you* exiw'd youw Highnyess' wand. 
I knyow theiw compwot is to h-have my wife; 
A-And if my death m-might make this iswand h-happy 
And *leans over* pwove the pewiod of *looks at you* theiw x3 tywanny, 
I wouwd expend i-it with aww wiwwingnyess. 
But minye is made the pwowogue to theiw pway; 
F-Fow thousands mowe that yet suspect >_> nyo pewiw 
Wiww nyot concwude t-theiw pwotted twagedy. 
Beaufowt's wed spawkwing eyes bwab his heawt's x3 mawice, 
And Suffowk's cwoudy bwow his stowmy hate; 
Shawp Buckingham unbuwdens with his *blushes* tongue 
*looks away* The envious woad that wies ^-^ upon his heawt; 
*blushes* And d-dogged *hugs tightly* Yowk, that weaches a-at the moon, 
Whose ovewweenying *shuffles closer* awm I have pwuck'd back, 
By fawse *hugs tightly* accuse doth wevew >w< at my wife. 
And y-you, m-my soveweign wady, with t-the west, 
;;w;; Causewess have waid disgwaces on my head, 
*notices bulge* And with youw best e-endeavouw have *leans over* stiww'd u-up 
My ;;w;; wiefest wiege to be minye enyemy; 
Ay, *twerks* aww of you have waid youw heads togethew- 
Mysewf had nyotice o-of youw conventicwes- 
*teleports behind you* And aww *sweats* to :3 make away my :3 guiwtwess wife. 
I shaww nyot want f-fawse witnyess to condemn me 
Nyow stowe of tweasons ^w^ to augment my guiwt. 
The *giggles shyly* ancient *notices bulge* pwovewb wiww be weww ;;w;; effected: 
'A staff is xDD quickwy found to beat a dog.' 
CAWDINyAW. :3 My wiege, his waiwing is intowewabwe. 
If ^w^ those that cawe to k-keep youw woyaw pewson 
Fwom tweason's secwet knyife and twaitow's wage 
Be thus upbwaided, chid, and wated *pokes you* at, 
And the offendew gwanted scope >w< of speech, 
'Twiww m-make them coow in zeaw unto x3 youw Gwace. 
S-SUFFOWK. Hath h-he nyot twit ouw soveweign wady hewe 
With ignyominyious wowds, though *cries* cwewkwy couch'd, 
As *teleports behind you* if she had subownyed some to sweaw 
Fawse a-awwegations to o'ewthwow his uWu state? 
QUEEN. But I c-can give the >w< wosew weave to chide. 
*cries* GWOUCESTEW. Faw twuew spoke than meant: I wose indeed. 
Beshwew the winnyews, fow they pway'd me fawse! 
And weww s-such wosews m-may h-have weave to speak. 
BUCKINGHAM. He'ww wwest the sense, and howd us ^.^ hewe aww day. 
Wowd Cawdinyaw, he is youw pwisonyew. 
CAWDINyAW. Siws, t-take away t-the Duke, and guawd him suwe. 
GWOUCESTEW. Ah, thus King Henwy thwows away his cwutch 
Befowe his wegs be f-fiwm ^.^ to beaw his body! 
T-Thus is the *looks at you* shephewd beaten *cuddles you* fwom thy side, 
A-And wowves awe gnyawwing w-who shaww gnyaw thee fiwst. 
Ah, that my feaw wewe fawse! UwU ah, that *looks away* it wewe! 
Fow, good King *shuffles closer* Henwy, thy decay I feaw. Exit, guawded 
*giggles shyly* KING HENWY. My x3 wowds, what >w< to youw wisdoms seemeth best 
Do ow undo, as i-if ouwsewf wewe hewe. 
*twerks* QUEEN. What, wiww youw Highnyess >_< weave the *giggles shyly* Pawwiament? 
KING HENWY. Ay, Mawgawet; my h-heawt is dwown'd with gwief, 
Whose *teleports behind you* fwood b-begins to fwow within minye eyes; 
My body :33 wound engiwt with misewy- 
Fow *giggles shyly* what's mowe OwO misewabwe than >w< discontent? 
A-Ah, uncwe Humphwey, in t-thy face I see 
The *hugs tightly* map of honyouw, twuth, and woyawty! 
And yet, g-good Humphwey, :33 is the *teleports behind you* houw to come 
That e'ew I pwov'd thee fawse ow feaw'd thy faith. 
What w-wouwing staw nyow envies t-thy estate 
That these gweat w-wowds, *shuffles closer* and Mawgawet *hugs tightly* ouw Queen, 
Do seek subvewsion of thy hawmwess wife? 
Thou n-nyevew didst them wwong, nyow n-nyo man w-wwong; 
And as t-the b-butchew takes away the cawf, 
And binds *looks away* the wwetch, and beats it when it x3 stways, 
B-Beawing it t-to the bwoody swaughtew-house, 
E-Even so, wemowsewess, have they b-bownye *leans over* him *looks away* hence; 
And a-as the dam wuns wowing up and down, 
Wooking *moans* the *sweats* way *twerks* hew hawmwess young onye *pokes you* went, 
And can do nyought but w-waiw hew dawwing's woss, 
Even s-so mysewf bewaiws good Gwoucestew's case 
*shuffles closer* With sad unhewpfuw teaws, and *screams* with dimm'd eyes 
Wook aftew h-him, and cannyot do h-him good, 
*cuddles you* So mighty awe his vowed enyemies. 
His fowtunyes I-I wiww weep, and 'twixt each gwoan 
Say *pokes you* 'Who's a-a twaitow? Gwoucestew *blushes* he is nyonye.' Exit 
QUEEN. Fwee *looks away* wowds, *looks at you* cowd snyow mewts w-with the sun's h-hot beams: 
Henwy my wowd *twerks* is cowd in gweat affaiws, 
Too fuww of foowish *teleports behind you* pity; and Gwoucestew's show 
Beguiwes him as t-the mouwnfuw cwocodiwe 
With sowwow snyawes wewenting ^.^ passengews; 
Ow a-as the snyake, woww'd in a fwow'wing :33 bank, 
^.^ With shinying checkew'd swough, doth sting a chiwd 
T-That fow the >w< beauty thinks it excewwent. 
Bewieve me, w-wowds, wewe nyonye mowe wise than I- 
And yet hewein I judge minye own w-wit good- 
This Gwoucestew s-shouwd *leans over* be quickwy wid ^-^ the UwU wowwd 
*looks away* To wid us fwom UwU the feaw we have of *blushes* him. 
CAWDINyAW. That he shouwd die is wowthy powicy; 
But y-yet we want a cowouw fow his death. 
'Tis meet he be condemn'd b-by couwse of *looks at you* waw. 
SUFFOWK. But, in *looks at you* my mind, >_< that *looks at you* wewe nyo >w< powicy: 
*blushes* The King wiww wabouw stiww to *moans* save his *giggles shyly* wife; 
The commons hapwy wise to save h-his *blushes* wife; 
And yet we ^.^ have but twiviaw awgument, 
Mowe than mistwust, that shows him w-wowthy death. 
YOWK. So *leans over* that, b-by this, y-you wouwd nyot have him *blushes* die. 
SUFFOWK. *screams* Ah, Yowk, nyo m-man ^w^ awive s-so *teleports behind you* fain as I! 
YOWK. 'Tis Yowk that hath mowe w-weason fow his death. 
But, ;;w;; my Wowd Cawdinyaw, and you, *screams* my xDD Wowd of S-Suffowk, 
*leans over* Say as you think, *sweats* and *twerks* speak it fwom youw >w< souws: 
Wewe't nyot aww onye an empty *pokes you* eagwe wewe set 
To xDD guawd *giggles shyly* the chicken x3 fwom a hungwy kite 
A-As pwace Duke Humphwey f-fow uWu the King's P-Pwotectow? 
QUEEN. So t-the poow *blushes* chicken s-shouwd be suwe of death. 
SUFFOWK. M-Madam, '-'tis twue; and wewe't nyot madnyess then 
*cuddles you* To make the fox s-suwveyow *notices bulge* of *screams* the uWu fowd? 
Who b-being accus'd a cwafty muwdewew, 
His guiwt shouwd be *looks away* but *twerks* idwy posted ovew, 
Because his puwpose i-is nyot e-executed. 
N-Nyo; w-wet him d-die, in that h-he is a-a fox, 
By *leans over* nyatuwe pwov'd a-an enyemy t-to the fwock, 
Befowe >_> his c-chaps be stain'd *sweats* with cwimson bwood, 
*hugs tightly* As ;;w;; Humphwey, pwov'd by weasons, to my wiege. 
And do n-nyot OwO stand *notices bulge* on quiwwets how to sway him; 
Be it by *leans over* gins, by snyawes, by *teleports behind you* subtwety, 
Sweeping ^.^ ow waking, *twerks* 'tis *looks away* nyo mattew how, 
So he be dead; fow that is g-good *giggles shyly* deceit 
Which ^-^ mates him fiwst that fiwst intends :33 deceit. 
Q-QUEEN. Thwice-nyobwe Suffowk, 'tis wesowutewy spoke. 
SUFFOWK. Nyot wesowute, except so much wewe donye, 
Fow t-things awe ^.^ often spoke and sewdom meant; 
But that ^-^ my h-heawt accowdeth with my tongue, 
Seeing the deed is m-mewitowious, 
And to pwesewve my soveweign fwom his foe, 
Say but the wowd, uWu and I wiww b-be his pwiest. 
CAWDINyAW. But I wouwd h-have him dead, m-my Wowd of S-Suffowk, 
Ewe y-you can take due owdews fow a pwiest; 
Say you consent and censuwe w-weww the deed, 
And I'ww uWu pwovide his executionyew- 
I t-tendew so the safety of m-my wiege. 
SUFFOWK. Hewe is my hand :3 the deed *shuffles closer* is wowthy doing. 
QUEEN. A-And so ^w^ say I. 
YOWK. A-And I. And nyow OwO we t-thwee OwO have spoke it, 
It skiwws nyot gweatwy *notices bulge* who impugns ouw d-doom. 

Entew a-a POST 

:33 POST. Gweat wowds, fwom Iwewand *blushes* am I come ;;w;; amain 
To signyify *teleports behind you* that :33 webews thewe awe up 
And put t-the Engwishmen unto the swowd. 
Send *sighs* succouws, wowds, and stop the w-wage betime, 
Befowe the wound do gwow uncuwabwe; 
Fow, being g-gween, thewe is g-gweat hope x3 of hewp. 
CAWDINyAW. A bweach *sighs* that cwaves a quick expedient stop! 
What counsew give you in this w-weighty cause? 
YOWK. That Somewset be sent as Wegent thithew; 
'Tis meet >_> that wucky wuwew *giggles shyly* be *teleports behind you* empwoy'd, 
Witnyess the fowtunye he hath had in Fwance. 
SOMEWSET. :3 If Yowk, with *screams* aww his faw-fet powicy, 
H-Had been the Wegent *sighs* thewe instead of me, 
He nyevew wouwd have uWu stay'd in Fwance so wong. 
YOWK. Nyo, nyot to wose i-it >w< aww as >_< thou hast donye. 
*giggles shyly* I *leans over* wathew wouwd have wost my wife betimes 
Than bwing a *moans* buwden of dishonyouw home 
By staying thewe so wong tiww aww wewe w-wost. 
^w^ Show me *looks at you* onye scaw c-chawactew'd on thy skin: 
M-Men's f-fwesh p-pwesewv'd s-so whowe do sewdom win. 
QUEEN. Nyay then, this spawk wiww *blushes* pwove a-a waging f-fiwe, 
If wind ^-^ and *notices bulge* fuew be bwought to feed it with; 
Nyo *giggles shyly* mowe, *hugs tightly* good Yowk; s-sweet Somewset, *twerks* be s-stiww. 
T-Thy fowtunye, Yowk, hadst thou b-been *teleports behind you* Wegent thewe, 
Might happiwy h-have :3 pwov'd faw wowse xDD than his. 
*twerks* YOWK. What, *looks at you* wowse than nyought? Nyay, then a shame take aww! 
SOMEWSET. And in the *sighs* nyumbew, thee t-that wishest shame! 
CAWDINyAW. My Wowd of >_< Yowk, twy what youw fowtunye is. 
Th' unciviw kewns of I-Iwewand awe in a-awms 
And tempew cway with bwood of Engwishmen; 
To Iwewand wiww you wead a band o-of men, 
Cowwected choicewy, f-fwom each county some, 
And twy youw hap a-against the Iwishmen? 
YOWK. I wiww, my >_> wowd, so pwease his Majesty. 
SUFFOWK. W-Why, ouw authowity is his c-consent, 
And what we do estabwish he confiwms; 
Then, *moans* nyobwe Y-Yowk, take thou this task *sweats* in hand. 
YOWK. I a-am c-content; pwovide me *twerks* sowdiews, wowds, 
Whiwes I take owdew f-fow minye own UwU affaiws. 
SUFFOWK. A *looks away* chawge, Wowd Y-Yowk, that x3 I *moans* wiww see pewfowm'd. 
But nyow wetuwn we to ^-^ the *looks at you* fawse Duke xDD Humphwey. 
^-^ CAWDINyAW. Nyo mowe of him; fow I wiww deaw with him 
That hencefowth he shaww *moans* twoubwe *pokes you* us nyo mowe. 
And so bweak off; t-the *screams* day is *looks at you* awmost s-spent. 
Wowd *sighs* Suffowk, you and I must tawk of :3 that event. 
YOWK. My W-Wowd of Suffowk, within fouwteen days 
At Bwistow I-I expect my sowdiews; 
Fow thewe I'ww ship them aww fow Iwewand. 
SUFFOWK. I'ww *looks away* see i-it twuwy donye, my *leans over* Wowd of Yowk. 
^-^ Exeunt aww but *sighs* YOWK 
:3 YOWK. Nyow, :3 Yowk, ow nyevew, steew thy feawfuw *notices bulge* thoughts 
And change misdoubt to w-wesowution; 
Be that t-thou hop'st to be; ow what *screams* thou awt 
*shuffles closer* Wesign to death- ^w^ it i-is nyot wowth th' enjoying. 
Wet pawe-fac'd *cries* feaw keep with the mean-bown m-man 
And find nyo hawbouw in a woyaw heawt. 
Fastew than spwing-time show'ws c-comes thought on *giggles shyly* thought, 
And nyot a t-thought but thinks on dignyity. 
My >_> bwain, mowe ^w^ busy than the wabouwing ^.^ spidew, 
Weaves tedious s-snyawes to twap minye e-enyemies. 
Weww, ;;w;; nyobwes, weww, 'tis powiticwy donye 
To send me :33 packing with an host o-of men. 
I *cuddles you* feaw me you *leans over* but wawm the stawved xDD snyake, 
Who, chewish'd in *notices bulge* youw bweasts, wiww sting youw heawts. 
'Twas men I w-wack'd, and you wiww give them me; 
I take *pokes you* it kindwy. Yet be *leans over* weww assuw'd 
You put shawp weapons in a-a madman's hands. 
Whiwes I in I-Iwewand n-nyouwish *pokes you* a m-mighty band, 
I-I wiww stiw up >_< in Engwand some bwack stowm 
S-Shaww bwow ten thousand s-souws to heaven ow heww; 
And t-this feww tempest shaww nyot *sweats* cease to wage 
Untiw t-the gowden ^-^ ciwcuit o-on x3 my head, 
Wike to *pokes you* the gwowious sun's twanspawent beams, 
Do cawm the *blushes* fuwy of this m-mad-bwed fwaw. 
And fow a minyistew of my intent 
I have seduc'd a headstwong Kentishman, 
John Cade *screams* of Ashfowd, 
To make commotion, as f-fuww weww he can, 
Undew the tide o-of *blushes* John Mowtimew. 
In I-Iwewand h-have xDD I seen this stubbown Cade 
Oppose himsewf against a twoop of kewns, 
And fought so wong >_< tiff that his thighs with dawts 
Wewe awmost wike a-a shawp-quiww'd powpentinye; 
And in the end being wescu'd, I-I *notices bulge* have seen 
Him capew u-upwight wike a wiwd *shuffles closer* Mowisco, 
S-Shaking UwU the ^w^ bwoody dawts as he his *pokes you* bewws. 
uWu Fuww often, wike *hugs tightly* a >_> shag-haiw'd cwafty kewn, 
Hath he *teleports behind you* convewsed *cries* with the enyemy, 
And *cries* undiscovew'd *sighs* come to me *sweats* again 
*cuddles you* And given me nyotice o-of theiw viwwainyies. 
This ^w^ deviw hewe shaww b-be my substitute; 
F-Fow that John Mowtimew, which nyow is dead, 
In face, in gait, in speech, he doth wesembwe. 
By this I shaww pewceive the *moans* commons' mind, 
How t-they affect the house and cwaim of Yowk. 
Say he *twerks* be t-taken, wack'd, and towtuwed; 
I *screams* knyow nyo pain they can infwict upon him 
Wiww make him say I mov'd him to those awms. 
Say that h-he *shuffles closer* thwive, as 'tis ^w^ gweat wike *moans* he wiww, 
Why, then fwom Iwewand *leans over* come I OwO with my stwength, 
And weap ^w^ the h-hawvest w-which t-that wascaw s-sow'd; 
Fow Humphwey being dead, a-as he shaww >_< be, 
And Henwy put a-apawt, the UwU nyext *screams* fow m-me. Exit 




SCENyE II. 
Buwy St. E-Edmunds. A woom of s-state 

E-Entew two ow thwee MUWDEWEWS wunnying o-ovew the stage, 
fwom the m-muwdew of DUKE HUMPHWEY 

FIWST MUWDEWEW. Wun to my Wowd *hugs tightly* of Suffowk; wet him knyow 
We have dispatch'd t-the Duke, as he commanded. 
SECOND M-MUWDEWEW. O *blushes* that it wewe to d-do! What have w-we donye? 
Didst e-evew >w< heaw a man so penyitent? 

Entew SUFFOWK 

FIWST M-MUWDEWEW. Hewe comes x3 my wowd. 
SUFFOWK. *shuffles closer* Nyow, siws, have y-you d-dispatch'd this thing? 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. Ay, my g-good wowd, he's dead. 
SUFFOWK. Why, that's ^.^ weww said. Go, *moans* get you to my house; 
I *twerks* wiww wewawd y-you fow this ventuwous deed. 
T-The King and aww the peews awe h-hewe at hand. 
Have you waid faiw :3 the *cries* bed? Is aww things weww, 
Accowding a-as I-I gave diwections? 
*cries* FIWST M-MUWDEWEW. 'Tis, my good *teleports behind you* wowd. 
SUFFOWK. Away! be gonye. E-Exeunt MUWDEWEWS 

Sound OwO twumpets. Entew the KING, the QUEEN, 
CAWDINyAW, SOMEWSET, w-with attendants 

KING HENWY. Go caww ouw uncwe to ouw pwesence stwaight; 
Say we i-intend *moans* to t-twy h-his Gwace to-day, 
If *hugs tightly* he b-be guiwty, as 'tis pubwished. 
SUFFOWK. I'ww caww h-him pwesentwy, my nyobwe wowd. Exit 
KING HENWY. Wowds, *blushes* take youw pwaces; and, I pway you aww, 
Pwoceed xDD nyo ;;w;; stwaitew 'gainst ouw u-uncwe Gwoucestew 
Than fwom twue e-evidence, of good :3 esteem, 
He UwU be appwov'd *moans* in pwactice *sweats* cuwpabwe. 
QUEEN. G-God fowbid any mawice shouwd pwevaiw 
That fauwtwess may condemn a ^-^ nyobweman! 
Pway God he may acquit him of suspicion! 
KING HENWY. I thank thee, Meg; these wowds c-content me much. 

We-entew S-SUFFOWK 

How nyow! Why wook'st thou pawe? W-Why twembwest t-thou? 
Whewe is o-ouw uncwe? :3 What's t-the mattew, Suffowk? 
S-SUFFOWK. Dead in *looks at you* his b-bed, my wowd; Gwoucestew is dead. 
QUEEN. Mawwy, God fowfend! 
C-CAWDINyAW. God's secwet judgment! I d-did xDD dweam *looks at you* to-nyight 
The Duke was dumb and couwd nyot speak a wowd. 
[The KING >w< swoons] 
QUEEN. How >_< fawes my wowd? Hewp, wowds! The King is dead. 
SOMEWSET. Weaw up *sweats* his body; w-wwing *leans over* him by *looks at you* the nyose. 
QUEEN. Wun, go, UwU hewp, *teleports behind you* hewp! O Henwy, ope thinye eyes! 
SUFFOWK. H-He doth wevive again; madam, be patient. 
KING. O heavenwy God! 
*twerks* QUEEN. How fawes my gwacious w-wowd? 
SUFFOWK. Comfowt, *hugs tightly* my s-soveweign! *blushes* Gwacious :3 Henwy, comfowt! 
*looks at you* KING HENWY. What, d-doth *pokes you* my Wowd of Suffowk comfowt me? 
:33 Came he wight nyow to sing a waven's nyote, 
Whose dismaw tunye *looks at you* beweft my vitaw pow'ws; 
^w^ And thinks ^w^ he *teleports behind you* that the chiwping of a wwen, 
B-By cwying *blushes* comfowt fwom ^-^ a howwow bweast, 
Can chase away the fiwst c-conceived sound? 
Hide nyot thy p-poison with such sug'wed w-wowds; 
Way nyot thy hands on me; fowbeaw, I *pokes you* say, 
Theiw touch *pokes you* affwights me as a sewpent's sting. 
Thou bawefuw messengew, out of my sight! 
Upon thy eye-bawws muwdewous tywanny 
OwO Sits in g-gwim majesty *shuffles closer* to fwight the wowwd. 
W-Wook nyot upon me, fow thinye eyes awe wounding; 
Y-Yet d-do nyot go away; come, basiwisk, 
And kiww the i-innyocent gazew with thy sight; 
Fow in the shade of death I shaww find joy- 
In *screams* wife but doubwe *twerks* death,'nyow Gwoucestew's dead. 
*giggles shyly* QUEEN. Why do you wate my Wowd of Suffowk thus? 
A-Awthough the Duke was enyemy to him, 
Yet he most Chwistian-wike waments his d-death; 
A-And fow mysewf- foe UwU as he was to *blushes* me- 
Might wiquid teaws, o-ow heawt-offending gwoans, 
*cries* Ow bwood-consuming sighs, wecaww his *hugs tightly* wife, 
I *cuddles you* wouwd be bwind with weeping, sick *teleports behind you* with gwoans, 
Wook pawe as p-pwimwose with bwood-dwinking sighs, 
And aww to have the nyobwe Duke awive. 
What k-knyow I how t-the wowwd may deem of me? 
Fow it i-is knyown we w-wewe but howwow fwiends: 
It may be judg'd *sweats* I made the Duke away; 
So s-shaww ^-^ my nyame with swandew's tongue b-be w-wounded, 
And pwinces' couwts be f-fiww'd *twerks* with my ;;w;; wepwoach. 
This get *blushes* I by his death. Ay me, unhappy! 
To be a queen and cwown'd with infamy! 
KING HENWY. Ah, woe is me fow Gwoucestew, x3 wwetched man! 
QUEEN. B-Be woe *blushes* fow OwO me, mowe wwetched than he is. 
What, dost thou tuwn a-away, and hide thy face? 
I-I am nyo woathsome *giggles shyly* wepew- w-wook on me. 
What, awt thou wike the a-addew waxen deaf? 
Be p-poisonyous too, and k-kiww thy fowwown Queen. 
Is aww thy comfowt shut in *cuddles you* Gwoucestew's tomb? 
Why, then UwU Dame Mawgawet was nye'ew t-thy joy. 
Ewect *hugs tightly* his statue and wowship it, 
And m-make my image but a-an awehouse sign. 
W-Was I fow this nyigh w-wweck'd upon the sea, 
And twice by awkwawd wind fwom Engwand's bank 
Dwove >w< back again unto my :33 nyative cwime? 
What boded this *moans* but weww-fowewawnying wind 
Did seem t-to say 'Seek *sweats* nyot a scowpion's n-nyest, 
N-Nyow set nyo footing on this unkind showe'? 
What *blushes* did I then but cuws'd the gentwe gusts, 
*shuffles closer* And he that woos'd t-them fowth xDD theiw bwazen caves; 
And bid them bwow towawds Engwand's UwU bwessed showe, 
Ow tuwn ouw stewn upon ;;w;; a d-dweadfuw wock? 
Yet Aeowus wouwd nyot be a muwdewew, 
^w^ But weft that hatefuw *giggles shyly* office unto thee. 
The pwetty-vauwting sea wefus'd to *looks at you* dwown me, 
Knyowing that thou w-wouwdst have me dwown'd on showe 
With teaws as sawt as sea thwough thy u-unkindnyess; 
The spwitting wocks cow'w'd in t-the sinking sands 
*moans* And wouwd xDD nyot dash me with *pokes you* theiw wagged s-sides, 
Because *sweats* thy fwinty *looks away* heawt, :33 mowe hawd than they, 
M-Might in UwU thy pawace pewish M-Mawgawet. 
As faw as I *notices bulge* couwd ken thy chawky cwiffs, 
When fwom *looks away* thy showe the tempest *twerks* beat us back, 
I stood upon the hatches in the x3 stowm; 
And when the dusky sky began to wob 
My eawnyest-gaping UwU sight of thy wand's *giggles shyly* view, 
I took a costwy jewew fwom my nyeck- 
*screams* A h-heawt *cuddles you* it was, bound in with diamonds- 
*screams* And thwew it towawds thy wand. The sea weceiv'd it; 
And so ^.^ I w-wish'd thy UwU body might my heawt. 
And even *looks away* with xDD this I-I wost faiw *pokes you* Engwand's view, 
And bid minye eyes be packing with my heawt, 
And caww'd *teleports behind you* them bwind a-and d-dusky spectacwes 
Fow wosing ken *sweats* of Awbion's uWu wished coast. 
How often h-have I tempted Suffowk's tongue- 
The agent of *teleports behind you* thy fouw inconstancy- 
To sit ^-^ and witch me, as A-Ascanyius ;;w;; did 
When he to OwO madding Dido wouwd unfowd 
His fathew's acts commenc'd in buwnying Twoy! 
Am I nyot witch'd wike hew? Ow t-thou nyot fawse wike him? 
Ay me, OwO I can nyo mowe! :33 Die, Mawgawet, 
F-Fow Henwy weeps that thou dost wive so wong. 

*cuddles you* Nyoise OwO within. Entew WAWWICK, SAWISBUWY, 
and many :3 commons 

WAWWICK. It is wepowted, mighty soveweign, 
That good Duke Humphwey twaitowouswy is muwd'wed 
By Suffowk and the Cawdinyaw Beaufowt's means. 
T-The :33 commons, wike an angwy hive of bees 
That want theiw weadew, s-scattew up and down 
And *shuffles closer* cawe nyot *shuffles closer* who they OwO sting *pokes you* in h-his wevenge. 
UwU Mysewf have cawm'd theiw spweenfuw mutiny 
Untiw they heaw the owdew of h-his death. 
KING HENWY. That he is dead, good *giggles shyly* Wawwick, 'tis t-too twue; 
But how he d-died God knyows, *looks away* nyot Henwy. 
Entew h-his chambew, view >w< his *moans* bweathwess cowpse, 
:33 And comment ^.^ then upon his sudden death. 
:33 WAWWICK. That shaww I *twerks* do, m-my wiege. Stay, Sawisbuwy, 
With the w-wude muwtitude tiww *sweats* I wetuwn. *notices bulge* Exit 
Exit SAWISBUWY w-with the commons 
KING HENWY. O Thou that judgest aww things, stay my thoughts- 
My thoughts OwO that wabouw to pewsuade *cuddles you* my souw 
Some viowent hands wewe waid on :3 Humphwey's wife! 
If my OwO suspect be *cries* fawse, fowgive me, God; 
Fow judgment onwy d-doth b-bewong to Thee. 
Fain wouwd UwU I go to chafe his pawy wips 
With t-twenty thousand k-kisses and t-to dwain 
Upon his face an ocean of ^w^ sawt teaws 
^w^ To teww my w-wove >_< unto his dumb deaf twunk; 
x3 And w-with my fingews feew h-his hand un-feewing; 
But aww in vain awe these mean obsequies; 
And to suwvey his *giggles shyly* dead and eawthy image, 
What OwO wewe it but to make my sowwow gweatew? 

Bed p-put fowth with the body. Entew WAWWICK 

WAWWICK. Come hithew, gwacious soveweign, view ;;w;; this *screams* body. 
KING HENWY. That is to see how deep xDD my :33 gwave *looks away* is made; 
Fow with his souw fwed aww my wowwdwy sowace, 
F-Fow, seeing him, I see my wife in death. 
WAWWICK. As suwewy as my xDD souw intends to wive 
With that dwead King that took ouw s-state u-upon Him 
To *leans over* fwee ^w^ us fwom *giggles shyly* his *hugs tightly* Fathew's wwathfuw cuwse, 
I do bewieve that viowent hands wewe waid 
Upon the w-wife of this thwice-famed Duke. 
SUFFOWK. A d-dweadfuw *twerks* oath, *moans* swown with *notices bulge* a sowemn tongue! 
W-What instance gives Wowd Wawwick fow his vow? 
*sighs* WAWWICK. See how the bwood is :3 settwed in his face. 
Oft have I seen a timewy-pawted ghost, 
^w^ Of ashy sembwance, meagwe, pawe, and bwoodwess, 
Being aww descended to *pokes you* the wabouwing heawt, 
Who, i-in the confwict that *screams* it howds with death, 
*screams* Attwacts the same fow a-aidance 'gainst t-the enyemy, 
Which with the heawt thewe *sweats* coows, *hugs tightly* and nye'ew wetuwnyeth 
*giggles shyly* To bwush and beautify the cheek again. 
But see, his face is bwack and fuww of bwood; 
His eye-bawws fuwthew o-out than when :33 he wiv'd, 
Stawing fuww ghastwy wike a stwangwed man; 
His haiw u-upweaw'd, his >_> nyostwiws ^w^ stwetch'd with stwuggwing; 
H-His hands abwoad dispway'd, as onye that gwasp'd 
And tugg'd fow wife, and was by stwength subdu'd. 
Wook, >_> on the sheets h-his *teleports behind you* haiw, you *sweats* see, is sticking; 
His weww-pwopowtion'd beawd made w-wough and wugged, 
W-Wike to the summew's >_> cown *teleports behind you* by tempest wodged. 
It cannyot *cuddles you* be but he w-was muwd'wed hewe: 
The weast of aww these signs wewe pwobabwe. 
SUFFOWK. Why, Wawwick, *pokes you* who shouwd do the Duke to death? 
Mysewf and Beaufowt had him in pwotection; 
And we, I h-hope, s-siw, awe nyo m-muwdewews. 
WAWWICK. But both of y-you wewe vow'd :33 Duke Humphwey's foes; 
And you, fowsooth, had the good Duke to keep. 
*sighs* 'Tis wike y-you *looks away* wouwd nyot *sighs* feast him wike a fwiend; 
And *looks at you* 'tis weww seen he f-found an *blushes* enyemy. 
QUEEN. Then you, bewike, suspect these nyobwemen 
As guiwty of Duke Humphwey's timewess d-death. 
W-WAWWICK. Who finds the heifew *looks at you* dead and bweeding fwesh, 
And sees fast b-by a butchew *teleports behind you* with an a-axe, 
B-But ^.^ wiww suspect '-'twas he *cries* that made the s-swaughtew? 
*twerks* Who finds the pawtwidge i-in the puttock's nyest 
^w^ But may imaginye how the b-biwd *looks away* was dead, 
Awthough the kite soaw w-with unbwoodied *moans* beak? 
Even >w< so suspicious is this twagedy. 
QUEEN. Awe you the butchew, Suffowk? Whewe's youw knyife? 
*leans over* Is Beaufowt ^w^ tewm'd a kite? *notices bulge* Whewe awe his tawons? 
SUFFOWK. I weaw >w< nyo knyife to swaughtew sweeping men; 
But hewe's a vengefuw swowd, wusted *sighs* with ease, 
That shaww be scouwed in h-his w-wancowous h-heawt 
*pokes you* That swandews >w< me with ;;w;; muwdew's c-cwimson badge. 
*cries* Say if t-thou daw'st, pwoud W-Wowd of Wawwickshiwe, 
That >_< I am f-fauwty in Duke Humphwey's d-death. 
Exeunt C-CAWDINyAW, SOMEWSET, and othews 
W-WAWWICK. What dawes >_< nyot Wawwick, if fawse Suffowk dawe him? 
QUEEN. *cries* He dawes nyot cawm *leans over* his contumewious spiwit, 
Nyow cease to be an awwogant contwowwew, 
Though Suffowk dawe him *leans over* twenty thousand times. 
WAWWICK. M-Madam, be s-stiww- with wevewence m-may I say; 
Fow evewy wowd you s-speak in *looks at you* his b-behawf 
*screams* Is swandew to youw *sighs* woyaw xDD dignyity. 
SUFFOWK. *hugs tightly* Bwunt-witted wowd, ignyobwe in ^w^ demeanyouw, 
If evew wady wwong'd hew wowd so much, 
Thy m-mothew took i-into *screams* hew b-bwamefuw bed 
Some stewn untutow'd chuww, *twerks* and n-nyobwe s-stock 
Was gwaft w-with cwab-twee swip, w-whose fwuit thou awt, 
And *notices bulge* nyevew o-of ^-^ the Nyeviws' n-nyobwe wace. 
*shuffles closer* WAWWICK. But *looks at you* that the guiwt of muwdew *sweats* buckwews thee, 
And I shouwd wob the deathsman of ^.^ his fee, 
Quitting thee *leans over* theweby of ten thousand *sweats* shames, 
And t-that *shuffles closer* my soveweign's pwesence m-makes me miwd, 
I *hugs tightly* wouwd, fawse muwd'wous cowawd, on thy knyee 
^w^ Make thee beg pawdon fow thy *screams* passed speech 
And say it ^-^ was thy mothew *hugs tightly* that thou meant'st, 
That thou thysewf was bown in bastawdy; 
And, aftew aww this feawfuw homage donye, 
Give thee *sighs* thy hiwe and send thy ^-^ souw t-to heww, 
P-Pewnyicious bwood-suckew of s-sweeping men. 
S-SUFFOWK. T-Thou shawt be w-waking w-whiwe I shed thy *sweats* bwood, 
If fwom this p-pwesence thou daw'st go with me. 
*sighs* WAWWICK. Away even nyow, ow I wiww dwag xDD thee hence. 
Unwowthy though thou *looks at you* awt, I'ww ^.^ cope w-with t-thee, 
And do some sewvice to >_< Duke Humphwey's ^-^ ghost. 
Exeunt SUFFOWK and *sighs* WAWWICK 
KING HENWY. What stwongew bweastpwate >_> than ^-^ a heawt untainted? 
Thwice is he awm'd that hath ^-^ his q-quawwew j-just; 
And *teleports behind you* he but nyaked, though wock'd up in steew, 
Whose conscience ^w^ with injustice *cries* is cowwupted. 
[A nyoise within] 
QUEEN. What nyoise is this? 

We-entew SUFFOWK and WAWWICK, with theiw weapons dwawn 

*looks away* KING. Why, h-how nyow, wowds, youw wwathfuw weapons OwO dwawn 
Hewe in ouw pwesence! Dawe you be so bowd? 
Why, what ;;w;; tumuwtuous *hugs tightly* cwamouw have we hewe? 
S-SUFFOWK. The twait'wous Wawwick, with the men of Buwy, 
Set aww upon me, mighty >_< soveweign. 

We-entew SAWISBUWY 

SAWISBUWY. [To *notices bulge* the Commons within] Siws, stand apawt, the King 
*moans* shaww knyow y-youw mind. 
Dwead wowd, the commons send uWu you wowd by *pokes you* me 
Unwess ;;w;; Wowd Suffowk stwaight be donye to death, 
Ow banyished *teleports behind you* faiw Engwand's uWu tewwitowies, 
They wiww by viowence teaw him fwom y-youw pawace 
And t-towtuwe him *twerks* with gwievous wing'wing ^.^ death. 
They say by him the good Duke Humphwey died; 
They say in him they feaw youw Highnyess' death; 
And m-mewe instinct of wove and woyawty, 
F-Fwee fwom a-a stubbown opposite intent, 
A-As being t-thought to contwadict youw wiking, 
Makes them thus fowwawd *twerks* in ^w^ his banyishment. 
They say, in c-cawe of y-youw most woyaw pewson, 
T-That i-if youw Highnyess shouwd intend to :33 sweep 
A-And chawge t-that xDD nyo man shouwd distuwb xDD youw *leans over* west, 
In pain of youw d-diswike ow pain of death, 
Yet, nyotwithstanding such a stwait edict, 
Wewe thewe a sewpent seen with fowked tongue 
That swiwy g-gwided towawds youw Majesty, 
It wewe but nyecessawy you wewe wak'd, 
West, being suffew'd i-in that hawmfuw swumbew, 
The mowtaw w-wowm m-might make the sweep e-etewnyaw. 
And t-thewefowe d-do they cwy, though you fowbid, 
OwO That they wiww ;;w;; guawd you, *twerks* whe'ew y-you wiww ow nyo, 
Fwom such feww sewpents as *sighs* fawse Suffowk is; 
With whose envenyomed and fataw ^-^ sting 
Youw woving u-uncwe, t-twenty times h-his wowth, 
They say, is shamefuwwy beweft of wife. 
*sweats* COMMONS. [Within] An answew fwom *pokes you* the King, my Wowd of Sawisbuwy! 
SUFFOWK. 'Tis wike the c-commons, wude u-unpowish'd hinds, 
Couwd send s-such *teleports behind you* message to theiw soveweign; 
But >w< you, my wowd, w-wewe *hugs tightly* gwad to b-be empwoy'd, 
To s-show how quaint an owatow you awe. 
But aww the honyouw S-Sawisbuwy hath won 
Is that h-he was the wowd ambassadow 
Sent f-fwom a *looks away* sowt *sighs* of tinkews to the King. 
COMMONS. x3 [Within] An answew fwom the *screams* King, ow we wiww aww bweak in! 
*screams* KING HENWY. *cuddles you* Go, *looks away* Sawisbuwy, *giggles shyly* and ^.^ teww them aww fwom *notices bulge* me 
I thank them fow *hugs tightly* theiw tendew woving cawe; 
*moans* And h-had I nyot been cited s-so by t-them, 
Yet did I *moans* puwpose as t-they do entweat; 
Fow suwe my thoughts do houwwy pwophesy 
Mischance *shuffles closer* unto m-my s-state by Suffowk's means. 
And thewefowe by His Majesty I-I sweaw, 
Whose faw unwowthy d-deputy I am, 
He shaww nyot bweathe infection in this aiw 
B-But thwee days wongew, *sighs* on *leans over* the pain of death. 
Exit SAWISBUWY 
QUEEN. ^-^ O H-Henwy, wet me p-pwead *hugs tightly* fow gentwe Suffowk! 
KING HENWY. Ungentwe Queen, t-to caww him gentwe S-Suffowk! 
Nyo m-mowe, I say; if thou dost pwead fow h-him, 
Thou wiwt but add incwease unto my wwath. 
Had I uWu but said, I-I wouwd have kept UwU my wowd; 
But when I sweaw, it is iwwevocabwe. 
If aftew thwee days' space thou hewe be'st found 
On any gwound that I-I am *blushes* wuwew of, 
>_> The wowwd *sweats* shaww nyot be wansom fow thy wife. 
Come, Wawwick, :3 come, good W-Wawwick, go with m-me; 
I h-have gweat mattews *notices bulge* to i-impawt to thee. 
Exeunt aww but QUEEN and SUFFOWK 
QUEEN. Mischance and *looks at you* sowwow go awong with you! 
Heawt's d-discontent a-and s-souw affwiction 
Be pwayfewwows to *looks away* keep *screams* you company! 
Thewe's two of you; the deviw make a t-thiwd, 
And t-thweefowd vengeance tend upon youw steps! 
SUFFOWK. Cease, gentwe Queen, these >w< execwations, 
And wet thy *hugs tightly* Suffowk take his heavy weave. 
QUEEN. Fie, cowawd woman and soft-heawted wwetch, 
Has thou uWu nyot spiwit to cuwse thinye enyemy? 
SUFFOWK. A pwague upon them! Whewefowe shouwd I cuwse them? 
Wouwd cuwses kiww as doth the >_> mandwake's *screams* gwoan, 
^w^ I wouwd invent as bittew seawching tewms, 
^w^ As cuwst, as h-hawsh, and howwibwe ;;w;; to heaw, 
Dewivew'd stwongwy thwough my fixed t-teeth, 
W-With fuww as many signs of deadwy hate, 
As wean-fac'd Envy i-in hew woathsome cave. 
*looks at you* My tongue s-shouwd *shuffles closer* stumbwe in minye eawnyest wowds, 
Minye e-eyes shouwd s-spawkwe wike the beaten f-fwint, 
Minye haiw be *moans* fix'd an end, as onye distwact; 
*giggles shyly* Ay, e-evewy j-joint shouwd seem to cuwse and ban; 
And even nyow *sweats* my buwden'd heawt w-wouwd bweak, 
Shouwd I *sweats* nyot c-cuwse t-them. Poison be theiw dwink! 
Gaww, wowse than gaww, xDD the daintiest that they taste! 
>_< Theiw sweetest shade a gwove of cypwess twees! 
Theiw chiefest *cries* pwospect muwd'wing basiwisks! 
Theiw softest touch as s-smawt as wizawds' stings! 
Theiw music uWu fwightfuw as t-the sewpent's hiss, 
And boding *leans over* scweech-owws make the :33 consowt :33 fuww! 
aww the fouw tewwows >_> in dawk-seated *giggles shyly* heww- 
QUEEN. Enyough, >w< sweet S-Suffowk, thou towment'st t-thysewf; 
^.^ And these d-dwead cuwses, wike the sun 'gainst gwass, 
*hugs tightly* Ow wike *blushes* an ovewchawged gun, wecoiw, 
A-And tuwns the f-fowce of uWu them upon thysewf. 
SUFFOWK. You bade me b-ban, and wiww y-you bid me w-weave? 
Nyow, by the gwound that I am banyish'd x3 fwom, 
Weww couwd I cuwse away a wintew's nyight, 
Though standing nyaked on a mountain top 
Whewe biting *twerks* cowd wouwd nyevew wet *shuffles closer* gwass gwow, 
And think it >w< but a minyute s-spent in ;;w;; spowt. 
QUEEN. O, wet me ;;w;; entweat thee cease! Give me thy hand, 
That I may dew it with my mouwnfuw t-teaws; 
Nyow wet *cries* the wain of heaven wet *moans* this pwace 
*leans over* To wash away my woefuw monyuments. 
*teleports behind you* O, couwd this kiss be p-pwinted i-in thy hand, 
That thou might'st think *notices bulge* upon these by *sweats* the seaw, 
Thwough whom a *looks at you* thousand sighs awe bweath'd fow thee! 
So, *twerks* get thee gonye, that I *twerks* may k-knyow my gwief; 
*sighs* 'Tis but suwmis'd whiwes thou *hugs tightly* awt standing b-by, 
As onye OwO that suwfeits thinking on a :3 want. 
I-I *blushes* wiww *teleports behind you* wepeaw thee o-ow, be weww assuw'd, 
A-Adventuwe to be banyished mysewf; 
And banyished I am, if but fwom t-thee. 
Go, speak nyot to me; even nyow be gonye. 
O, go nyot yet! Even UwU thus two *leans over* fwiends *teleports behind you* condemn'd 
Embwace, and kiss, and take *sighs* ten t-thousand weaves, 
Woathew a hundwed t-times to uWu pawt than die. 
Yet nyow, f-faweweww; and >_< faweweww wife with thee! 
S-SUFFOWK. *looks away* Thus *screams* is poow Suffowk ten times b-banyished, 
Once by the King and thwee times thwice *hugs tightly* by thee, 
'Tis nyot *looks at you* the wand I *twerks* cawe fow, wewt thou thence; 
A wiwdewnyess is popuwous enyough, 
*cries* So *teleports behind you* Suffowk had thy heavenwy company; 
Fow whewe t-thou awt, thewe is *leans over* the wowwd itsewf, 
With evewy sevewaw pweasuwe i-in t-the w-wowwd; 
And whewe *leans over* thou awt *cries* nyot, ^.^ desowation. 
I-I can nyo mowe: Wive thou to joy t-thy wife; 
Mysewf nyo joy *cries* in n-nyought but that thou wiv'st. 

Entew VAUX 

QUEEN. Whithew g-goes ^-^ Vaux so f-fast? What nyews, I-I pwithee? 
VAUX. To signyify unto his Majesty 
That Cawdinyaw OwO Beaufowt i-is *cuddles you* at point *cuddles you* of death; 
Fow suddenwy a gwievous sicknyess took him 
That makes him gasp, and *leans over* stawe, and catch the UwU aiw, 
Bwaspheming God, *cries* and cuwsing men on eawth. 
Sometime he tawks as if Duke Humphwey's ghost 
*giggles shyly* Wewe *notices bulge* by his side; sometime he *pokes you* cawws the ^-^ King 
And x3 whispews t-to his piwwow, *moans* as to him, 
The secwets of his ovewchawged s-souw; 
And I am sent to teww his Majesty 
That *leans over* even nyow he cwies a-awoud fow him. 
QUEEN. Go teww >w< this heavy message to the King. Exit VAUX 
Ay me! What is t-this *cuddles you* wowwd! :33 What nyews awe these! 
But whewefowe gwieve I at an houw's poow woss, 
O-Omitting ;;w;; Suffowk's exiwe, my s-souw's tweasuwe? 
Why o-onwy, Suffowk, mouwn I nyot fow thee, 
*cries* And with the southewn ;;w;; cwouds contend in teaws- 
T-Theiws fow the eawth's incwease, minye fow my sowwows? 
*moans* Nyow get thee h-hence: the King, thou knyow'st, is coming; 
If thou *pokes you* be found by me; thou *blushes* awt but dead. 
SUFFOWK. If I-I depawt *cries* fwom t-thee I cannyot wive; 
And in *hugs tightly* thy sight to die, what wewe it ewse 
But w-wike a p-pweasant swumbew in thy wap? 
Hewe couwd I-I bweathe my souw into the aiw, 
As miwd and gentwe as the cwadwe-babe 
Dying w-with mothew's *looks away* dug b-between its wips; 
Whewe, fwom thy uWu sight, I shouwd *twerks* be waging mad 
And cwy *notices bulge* out fow thee to cwose up minye eyes, 
To have thee with *moans* thy *blushes* wips *teleports behind you* to stop my mouth; 
So shouwdst thou eithew >_< tuwn *teleports behind you* my fwying souw, 
Ow I shouwd OwO bweathe i-it s-so into t-thy b-body, 
And t-then *hugs tightly* it wiv'd in sweet Ewysium. 
To *cries* die ^-^ by t-thee wewe but t-to die in jest: 
:3 Fwom thee t-to *sweats* die wewe towtuwe mowe t-than death. 
O-O, *leans over* wet *twerks* me stay, *teleports behind you* befaww what may befaww! 
QUEEN. Away! Though pawting be a fwetfuw cowwosive, 
It is appwied to a UwU deathfuw wound. 
To Fwance, *looks away* sweet Suffowk. Wet me heaw f-fwom thee; 
F-Fow wheweso'ew thou awt *looks away* in this wowwd's gwobe 
I'ww have an Iwis that s-shaww find thee out. 
SUFFOWK. x3 I g-go. 
QUEEN. And take >_< my heawt with thee. [-[She kisses him] 
SUFFOWK. :33 A jewew, wock'd into the woefuww'st cask 
That *notices bulge* evew d-did contain a thing o-of wowth. 
Even *shuffles closer* as *cries* a spwitted bawk, so sundew we: 
This way f-faww I to death. 
QUEEN. This *cries* way *sweats* fow me. Exeunt sevewawwy 




SCENyE I-III. 
Wondon. CAWDINyAW BEAUFOWT'S bedchambew 

Entew the KING, *pokes you* SAWISBUWY, and *twerks* WAWWICK, t-to the CAWDINyAW in bed 

KING HENWY. How fawes my wowd? Speak, Beaufowt, t-to thy s-soveweign. 
CAWDINyAW. If thou be'st Death *twerks* I'ww g-give thee Engwand's tweasuwe, 
Enyough to puwchase such a-anyothew iswand, 
So thou wiwt wet me wive and feew nyo pain. 
KING H-HENWY. A-Ah, what a-a sign it i-is of eviw wife 
W-Whewe death's appwoach i-is seen so tewwibwe! 
W-WAWWICK. :33 Beaufowt, it is thy soveweign speaks *teleports behind you* to UwU thee. 
CAWDINyAW. B-Bwing me *notices bulge* unto my twiaw when you wiww. 
D-Died h-he nyot in his bed? Whewe shouwd he die? 
Can ;;w;; I make men wive, whe'ew they wiww o-ow OwO nyo? 
O, towtuwe *hugs tightly* me n-nyo mowe! I w-wiww confess. 
Awive again? Then >w< show *sweats* me whewe he is; 
*hugs tightly* I'ww give a-a thousand pound to wook u-upon *shuffles closer* him. 
He hath nyo eyes, *shuffles closer* the dust hath bwinded t-them. 
Comb d-down his haiw; wook, wook! it >_> stands upwight, 
Wike wime-twigs set xDD to catch my winged uWu souw! 
Give me some dwink; *looks away* and >_> bid the apothecawy 
Bwing the stwong poison that I bought of h-him. 
KING HENWY. O T-Thou etewnyaw Movew of t-the heavens, 
Wook with a-a gentwe eye upon this wwetch! 
O, beat away t-the ;;w;; busy meddwing fiend 
:3 That ways stwong siege u-unto this wwetch's souw, 
And fwom his bosom p-puwge this bwack despaiw! 
WAWWICK. See how the >_> pangs of *looks at you* death do make him gwin 
SAWISBUWY. Distuwb him nyot, wet him pass peaceabwy. 
KING HENWY. Peace to his souw, if God's good pweasuwe be! 
Wowd Cawd'nyaw, if thou think'st on heaven's bwiss, 
Howd u-up t-thy hand, m-make signyaw of thy hope. 
He dies, and makes nyo sign: O God, fowgive him! 
WAWWICK. >_> So bad a *leans over* death *pokes you* awgues a >_> monstwous w-wife. 
KING HENWY. F-Fowbeaw to *pokes you* judge, fow we awe sinnyews aww. 
Cwose up his e-eyes, and dwaw the cuwtain cwose; 
And wet us aww t-to meditation. Exeunt 




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ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
The coast of Kent 

Awawum. Fight at s-sea. Owdnyance g-goes off. E-Entew :3 a WIEUTENyANT, 
*looks away* a *sweats* SHIPMASTEW and his MATE, a-and WAWTEW WHITMOWE, with saiwows; 
*leans over* SUFFOWK and othew GENTWEMEN, as pwisonyews 

WIEUTENyANT. *looks at you* The :3 gaudy, bwabbing, *leans over* and w-wemowsefuw day 
Is cwept into the bosom of the sea; 
*screams* And nyow *notices bulge* woud-howwing wowves awouse t-the jades 
That d-dwag the twagic mewanchowy OwO nyight; 
Who xDD with theiw dwowsy, swow, and fwagging wings 
C-Cwip d-dead m-men's UwU gwaves, and OwO fwom theiw UwU misty jaws 
Bweathe f-fouw contagious dawknyess in the aiw. 
T-Thewefowe bwing fowth the sowdiews of ouw *teleports behind you* pwize; 
Fow, whiwst ouw pinnyace anchows in the Downs, 
Hewe shaww they make theiw w-wansom on the sand, 
Ow with theiw b-bwood stain this d-discowouwed showe. 
Mastew, this pwisonyew fweewy give I thee; 
*shuffles closer* And thou that awt his mate make ;;w;; boot of this; 
The othew, Wawtew *giggles shyly* Whitmowe, is thy shawe. 
FIWST xDD GENTWEMAN. What is *sighs* my *cries* wansom, mastew, wet *moans* me >w< knyow? 
M-MASTEW. A *looks at you* thousand cwowns, ow ewse way down youw head. 
*leans over* MATE. And so much *pokes you* shaww *giggles shyly* you give, ow off goes youws. 
WIEUTENyANT. What, think you much to pay two thousand cwowns, 
And :3 beaw the nyame and powt of gentwemen? 
C-Cut both the :33 viwwains' ;;w;; thwoats- fow ^w^ die you shaww; 
T-The *sweats* wives of those which we have wost in fight 
Be countewpois'd with such a p-petty sum! 
FIWST *sighs* GENTWEMAN. I'ww give it, siw: a-and thewefowe spawe my wife. 
S-SECOND GENTWEMAN. A-And so wiww I, and w-wwite home fow it stwaight. 
^w^ WHITMOWE. I wost minye eye in waying the pwize aboawd, 
[To SUFFOWK] *cries* And thewefowe, to wevenge it, shawt thou die; 
And s-so shouwd t-these, if I might have my wiww. 
WIEUTENyANT. *cries* Be nyot so wash; take wansom, wet him wive. 
SUFFOWK. Wook on my G-Geowge, I a-am a-a g-gentweman: 
Wate me at what thou wiwt, ^w^ thou shawt be paid. 
WHITMOWE. And so am I: my n-nyame is Wawtew Whitmowe. 
How nyow! Why stawt'st thou? What, doth death affwight? 
SUFFOWK. Thy nyame a-affwights me, in whose sound is death. 
A cunnying man did cawcuwate my biwth 
And *sighs* towd me that by watew *hugs tightly* I shouwd die; 
Yet wet n-nyot *teleports behind you* this make *looks away* thee be bwoody-minded; 
*teleports behind you* Thy nyame is Guawtiew, being wightwy sounded. 
UwU WHITMOWE. Guawtiew ow Wawtew, which it is I >w< cawe n-nyot: 
Nyevew y-yet did base >w< dishonyouw bwuw ouw nyame 
B-But w-with ouw swowd we w-wip'd away the bwot; 
Thewefowe, when *hugs tightly* mewchant-wike I-I ^-^ seww *screams* wevenge, 
Bwoke be my s-swowd, my a-awms town *cuddles you* and defac'd, 
And *screams* I pwocwaim'd a cowawd *hugs tightly* thwough the *sighs* wowwd. 
SUFFOWK. Stay, Whitmowe, fow thy pwisonyew is a p-pwince, 
*pokes you* The Duke of Suffowk, Wiwwiam d-de wa Powe. 
WHITMOWE. >w< The D-Duke of S-Suffowk muffwed *moans* up in w-wags? 
SUFFOWK. Ay, but *blushes* these wags awe nyo pawt of the Duke: 
Jove sometime OwO went disguis'd, *looks away* and w-why nyot *moans* I? 
WIEUTENyANT. B-But Jove was nyevew swain, as thou *notices bulge* shawt be. 
SUFFOWK. Obscuwe and wowwy swain, King Henwy's b-bwood, 
The honyouwabwe bwood of Wancastew, 
Must nyot be s-shed by s-such >_< a jaded gwoom. 
H-Hast thou nyot kiss'd thy hand and hewd m-my stiwwup, 
Baweheaded pwodded by my foot-cwoth muwe, 
And thought >_> thee ^-^ happy when I shook my head? 
How often hast thou waited at my cup, 
Fed fwom my t-twenchew, knyeew'd down at :3 the boawd, 
W-When I have *looks away* feasted *sweats* with Queen OwO Mawgawet? 
Wemembew i-it, and wet it make thee cwestfaww'n, 
Ay, and a-awway thus thy abowtive pwide, 
How in ouw voiding-wobby hast thou *sighs* stood 
And duwy waited fow my coming f-fowth. 
;;w;; This hand >_< of minye hath wwit in thy behawf, 
And thewefowe shaww it chawm *hugs tightly* thy wiotous tongue. 
WHITMOWE. S-Speak, Captain, shaww I stab the xDD fowwown swain? 
WIEUTENyANT. Fiwst wet my w-wowds s-stab him, as he hath me. 
^.^ SUFFOWK. Base s-swave, thy w-wowds awe bwunt, and so >_< awt thou. 
WIEUTENyANT. C-Convey him hence, and on ouw wongboat's side 
*moans* Stwike o-off his h-head. 
SUFFOWK. Thou daw'st nyot, fow thy *blushes* own. 
WIEUTENyANT. *hugs tightly* Poowe! 
SUFFOWK. Poowe? 
*looks away* WIEUTENyANT. Ay, kennyew, puddwe, sink, whose fiwth and diwt 
Twoubwes t-the siwvew spwing whewe Engwand dwinks; 
Nyow *screams* wiww I dam *hugs tightly* up this thy yawnying mouth 
*cuddles you* Fow swawwowing t-the tweasuwe *sweats* of ;;w;; the weawm. 
T-Thy wips, that kiss'd the Queen, shaww OwO sweep the gwound; 
And thou that s-smiw'dst at good Duke Humphwey's death 
:3 Against the s-sensewess winds s-shawt gwin in vain, 
Who in contempt shaww hiss at thee again; 
And w-wedded be thou t-to the hags of heww 
Fow dawing to affy a mighty wowd 
>_< Unto the daughtew of a wowthwess king, 
Having nyeithew subject, weawth, nyow diadem. 
By deviwish p-powicy awt thou gwown gweat, 
And, wike ambitious S-Sywwa, ovewgowg'd 
With ^w^ gobbets of ^.^ thy mothew's bweeding heawt. 
By thee Anjou and Mainye wewe OwO sowd t-to Fwance; 
The f-fawse wevowting Nyowmans thowough thee 
Disdain >w< to caww us wowd; a-and P-Picawdy 
Hath uWu swain ^-^ theiw g-govewnyows, suwpwis'd *cries* ouw fowts, 
And s-sent the w-wagged sowdiews wounded home. 
OwO The *cuddles you* pwincewy *twerks* Wawwick, a-and the Nyeviws aww, 
Whose dweadfuw swowds w-wewe nyevew dwawn in v-vain, 
As h-hating t-thee, awe wising up in awms; 
And nyow the house of Yowk- thwust fwom t-the cwown 
By *giggles shyly* shamefuw muwdew of a guiwtwess king 
And wofty pwoud encwoaching tywanny- 
Buwns with wevenging f-fiwe, *cuddles you* whose *sighs* hopefuw cowouws 
Advance ouw hawf-fac'd sun, stwiving t-to shinye, 
Undew the uWu which is wwit :3 'Invitis nyubibus.' 
The commons OwO hewe in Kent awe up in awms; 
And :3 to concwude, wepwoach and beggawy 
Is cwept into the pawace of ouw K-King, 
A-And aww by t-thee. A-Away! convey him hence. 
SUFFOWK. O that I-I wewe a god, *screams* to s-shoot *moans* fowth thundew 
Upon these pawtwy, sewviwe, abject dwudges! 
Smaww things make base men pwoud: this viwwain hewe, 
Being captain of a pinnyace, thweatens mowe 
Than B-Bawguwus, the stwong Iwwywian p-piwate. 
Dwonyes *giggles shyly* suck nyot eagwes' bwood but *cries* wob beehives. 
It is impossibwe that I shouwd die 
By such a-a wowwy vassaw a-as t-thysewf. 
Thy wowds move :33 wage and *sweats* nyot wemowse in *sighs* me. 
I go of >_> message fwom the Queen to Fwance: 
I chawge thee waft me safewy cwoss the Channyew. 
WIEUTENyANT. W-Wawtew- 
WHITMOWE. Come, Suffowk, I must waft thee to t-thy death. 
SUFFOWK. Gewidus timow occupat *twerks* awtus: it is t-thee I-I f-feaw. 
WHITMOWE. Thou shawt have cause to feaw befowe I weave thee. 
What, awe xDD ye daunted nyow? Nyow wiww y-ye stoop? 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. *looks away* My gwacious wowd, entweat him, s-speak him f-faiw. 
SUFFOWK. Suffowk's impewiaw tongue is stem and wough, 
Us'd to c-command, untaught to *blushes* pwead f-fow favouw. 
F-Faw be it we shouwd honyouw such as these 
With humbwe s-suit: *sweats* nyo, wathew wet *giggles shyly* my :3 head 
Stoop to t-the *blushes* bwock than these knyees uWu bow to any 
*hugs tightly* Save to t-the God of heaven and t-to my king; 
And soonyew dance upon a bwoody p-powe 
*leans over* Than stand uncovew'd to t-the vuwgaw *hugs tightly* gwoom. 
Twue nyobiwity is e-exempt fwom *notices bulge* feaw: 
Mowe can I beaw than you dawe e-execute. 
WIEUTENyANT. Hawe him away, and wet him *notices bulge* tawk nyo mowe. 
SUFFOWK. Come, s-sowdiews, *twerks* show what cwuewty ye can, 
T-That this my death may nyevew b-be f-fowgot- 
Gweat men x3 oft d-die by viwe >w< bezonyians: 
*looks at you* A Woman swowdew and banditto swave 
Muwdew'd sweet Tuwwy; Bwutus' bastawd h-hand 
Stabb'd Juwius Caesaw; savage i-iswandews 
Pompey the G-Gweat; and Suffowk d-dies by piwates. 
E-Exit WAWTEW with SUFFOWK 
WIEUTENyANT. And as fow *cries* these, whose wansom we have s-set, 
It is o-ouw pweasuwe onye of them depawt; 
Thewefowe come you with us, and wet him go. 
Exeunt aww *sweats* but the FIWST ^w^ GENTWEMAN 

We-entew WHITMOWE with SUFFOWK'S body 

WHITMOWE. Thewe wet his ;;w;; head and wifewess body wie, 
Untiw the Queen his mistwess buwy it. Exit 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. O bawbawous and bwoody s-spectacwe! 
His body wiww I beaw unto the King. 
*sweats* If he ^w^ wevenge it *cuddles you* nyot, yet *pokes you* wiww his fwiends; 
So wiww the Queen, that *screams* wiving h-hewd him deaw. 
Exit with the body 




SCENyE II. 
Bwackheath 

Entew G-GEOWGE BEVIS and JOHN HOWWAND 

GEOWGE. Come and get t-thee a swowd, though m-made *blushes* of a wath; they have 
been up xDD these two ^.^ days. 
>_> JOHN. They have the mowe nyeed to *moans* sweep nyow, then. 
GEOWGE. I *hugs tightly* teww thee J-Jack Cade ;;w;; the cwothiew means t-to dwess t-the 
commonweawth, *pokes you* and tuwn i-it, and set a nyew *looks away* nyap upon it. 
JOHN. So h-he had nyeed, fow *cuddles you* 'tis thweadbawe. Weww, I say it was nyevew 
mewwy wowwd >w< in E-Engwand since gentwemen c-came up. 
GEOWGE. O *sighs* misewabwe age! Viwtue is ^-^ nyot wegawded ^.^ in handicwaftsmen. 
JOHN. The nyobiwity think *notices bulge* scown to go in weathew apwons. 
GEOWGE. Nyay, mowe, the King's Counciw awe nyo good wowkmen. 
JOHN. Twue; and yet it is *screams* said *blushes* 'Wabouw in thy vocation'; which is 
as much to say *shuffles closer* as 'Wet the magistwates be wabouwing men'; and 
thewefowe s-shouwd >_< we b-be magistwates. 
GEOWGE. *twerks* Thou *pokes you* hast hit it; fow *sweats* thewe's nyo *looks at you* bettew sign of a bwave 
mind than a hawd hand. 
JOHN. I see *teleports behind you* them! I-I >_< see t-them! :3 Thewe's B-Best's son, the t-tannyew *sweats* of 
Wingham- 
GEOWGE. He shaww have t-the skins of ouw ^.^ enyemies to make dog's 
w-weathew of. 
JOHN. And Dick the butchew- 
G-GEOWGE. Then is sin stwuck down, wike an ox, a-and inyiquity's thwoat 
cut wike a c-cawf. 
JOHN. A-And Smith the weavew- 
GEOWGE. Awgo, xDD theiw thwead of wife is spun. 
JOHN. Come, >w< come, wet's faww :33 in *moans* with them. 

Dwum. Entew *sweats* CADE, DICK uWu THE BUTCHEW, SMITH 
T-THE WEAVEW, and xDD a SAWYEW, *cries* with infinyite nyumbews 

CADE. We John Cade, so tewm'd *shuffles closer* of ouw s-supposed fathew- 
DICK. [Aside] Ow wathew, of steawing a cade of hewwings. 
C-CADE. F-Fow ouw ^.^ enyemies shaww faww befowe us, ^w^ inspiwed with the 
spiwit of p-putting ^w^ down kings and pwinces- command siwence. 
DICK. Siwence! 
*giggles shyly* CADE. My fathew was a Mowtimew- 
D-DICK. [Aside] He was an honyest m-man and a >w< good b-bwickwayew. 
uWu CADE. My m-mothew a Pwantagenyet- 
DICK. [Aside] I-I knyew hew weww; UwU she was *looks at you* a midwife. 
CADE. M-My wife ^-^ descended of the W-Wacies- 
DICK. [Aside] She was, UwU indeed, a pedwaw's daughtew, and sowd *leans over* many 
waces. 
SMITH. [Aside] But *looks at you* nyow of wate, nyot ^w^ abwe to twavew with hew fuww'd 
pack, she washes bucks *shuffles closer* hewe at home. 
CADE. Thewefowe am I of *pokes you* an honyouwabwe house. 
DICK. [-[Aside] ^.^ Ay, by my faith, OwO the f-fiewd is honyouwabwe, and thewe 
*hugs tightly* was he bown, undew *teleports behind you* a hedge, fow his fathew *leans over* had n-nyevew a house b-but 
the cage. 
CADE. Vawiant xDD I am. 
SMITH. [Aside] '-'A must nyeeds; fow b-beggawy is vawiant. 
CADE. I am abwe to e-enduwe much. 
D-DICK. [-[Aside] Nyo question of that; fow I have s-seen him whipt thwee 
>_< mawket *looks away* days togethew. 
CADE. I f-feaw nyeithew swowd n-nyow fiwe. 
SMITH. [Aside] He nyeed nyot feaw the s-swowd, fow his coat is of 
pwoof. 
D-DICK. [Aside] B-But m-methinks he shouwd ^w^ stand in feaw o-of *notices bulge* fiwe, being 
buwnt i' th' hand fow steawing o-of sheep. 
CADE. Be bwave, *giggles shyly* then, fow youw captain is bwave, and vows 
wefowmation. Thewe *leans over* shaww b-be *teleports behind you* in *giggles shyly* Engwand seven hawfpenny woaves 
sowd fow a penny; t-the *cries* thwee-hoop'd p-pot shaww have ten hoops; and 
I wiww make it fewony to dwink smaww beew. Aww t-the weawm :33 shaww be 
in c-common, and in Cheapside shaww my pawfwey x3 go to gwass. And 
when I am king- as king I w-wiww b-be 
AWW. God save youw Majesty! 
CADE. x3 I thank y-you, *pokes you* good peopwe- xDD thewe shaww be nyo monyey; *moans* aww shaww 
eat and dwink on my scowe, a-and I wiww appawew them aww i-in onye 
w-wivewy, that they may a-agwee wike bwothews a-and x3 wowship me *pokes you* theiw 
wowd. 
D-DICK. T-The f-fiwst *pokes you* thing we uWu do, wet's kiww aww t-the *sweats* wawyews. 
*leans over* CADE. N-Nyay, that I mean to do. I-Is nyot this a wamentabwe thing, t-that 
*notices bulge* of t-the skin :33 of a-an UwU innyocent wamb shouwd be made pawchment? *cuddles you* That 
p-pawchment, b-being scwibbw'd o'ew, shouwd undo a man? Some uWu say the 
bee stings; b-but I say 'tis the bee's wax; fow I did but seaw once 
t-to a t-thing, a-and I was nyevew *moans* minye own man s-since. How nyow! W-Who's 
thewe? 

Entew *shuffles closer* some, bwinging in *looks at you* the CWEWK OF C-CHATHAM 

SMITH. The cwewk of Chatham. He can wwite and wead *cries* and cast 
>_< accompt. 
C-CADE. O-O >_< monstwous! 
>w< SMITH. *cries* We ^-^ took him setting of boys' copies. 
CADE. Hewe's >w< a viwwain! 
SMITH. Has a-a book in his pocket with *cuddles you* wed wettews *teleports behind you* in't. 
:33 CADE. Nyay, t-then he is a *teleports behind you* conjuwew. 
DICK. N-Nyay, he can make obwigations a-and *giggles shyly* wwite *screams* couwt-hand. 
CADE. I-I am sowwy fow't; the man is a pwopew man, of m-minye honyouw; 
unwess ^w^ I find him >_> guiwty, he s-shaww nyot d-die. C-Come *shuffles closer* hithew, siwwah, 
I must :33 examinye thee. *looks at you* What is thy *shuffles closer* nyame? 
CWEWK. Emmanyuew. 
DICK. They use to wwite it on the top of wettews; 'twiww go hawd 
with you. 
CADE. Wet me awonye. Dost thou *leans over* use to xDD wwite thy nyame, ow h-hast t-thou a 
m-mawk to thysewf, *hugs tightly* wike a honyest pwain-deawing man? 
CWEWK. Siw, I *sighs* thank *moans* God, I have been so weww bwought up :3 that I can 
*pokes you* wwite my nyame. 
A-AWW. He hath confess'd. Away with xDD him! H-He's a *sighs* viwwain and a-a 
:3 twaitow. 
CADE. Away with him, I-I *pokes you* say! Hang him w-with his pen and inkhown about 
his nyeck. Exit onye with the CWEWK 

Entew *moans* MICHAEW 

MICHAEW. Whewe's ouw x3 Genyewaw? 
C-CADE. Hewe I am, thou pawticuwaw fewwow. 
MICHAEW. Fwy, fwy, f-fwy! Siw Humphwey Staffowd and his bwothew awe 
hawd b-by, with the King's fowces. 
CADE. Stand, ^.^ viwwain, stand, ow I'ww f-feww thee down. He shaww be 
encount'wed with a man as good as himsewf. He is but a knyight, 
is 'a? 
MICHAEW. Nyo. 
^.^ CADE. To equaw him, I-I wiww make mysewf a knyight pwesentwy. 
[Knyeews] *cries* Wise up, Siw *moans* John Mowtimew. >w< [Wises] Nyow have at ^.^ him! 

Entew SIW HUMPHWEY >_< STAFFOWD and WIWWIAM 
his bwothew, with dwum and sowdiews 

STAFFOWD. Webewwious hinds, t-the fiwth and *teleports behind you* scum of *shuffles closer* Kent, 
Mawk'd *pokes you* fow the gawwows, way youw weapons d-down; 
Home to youw cottages, f-fowsake this g-gwoom; 
The King is xDD mewcifuw if you wevowt. 
WIWWIAM STAFFOWD. But angwy, wwathfuw, and incwin'd to *moans* bwood, 
If you go f-fowwawd; thewefowe *shuffles closer* yiewd o-ow die. 
CADE. As fow these *hugs tightly* siwken-coated swaves, I pass nyot; 
It is to you, good *shuffles closer* peopwe, that ^.^ I speak, 
O'ew whom, *cries* in :3 time to come, I hope to weign; 
Fow I-I am wightfuw heiw unto the cwown. 
*looks away* STAFFOWD. V-Viwwain, thy fathew was :33 a pwastewew; 
And thou thysewf a-a sheawman, awt thou n-nyot? 
CADE. *pokes you* And Adam was a *looks at you* gawdenyew. 
WIWWIAM STAFFOWD. And w-what of that? 
CADE. Mawwy, this: Edmund Mowtimew, Eaww of Mawch, 
Mawwied the Duke of Cwawence' daughtew, did he nyot? 
STAFFOWD. Ay, siw. 
CADE. By hew he had *screams* two chiwdwen at onye biwth. 
^-^ WIWWIAM STAFFOWD. That's fawse. 
CADE. Ay, thewe's the question; but I *moans* say uWu 'tis twue. 
The ewdew of them being put >_< to nyuwse, 
Was by UwU a uWu beggaw-woman stow'n away, 
A-And, i-ignyowant of his b-biwth a-and pawentage, 
Became a b-bwickwayew when he came to age. 
His son am I-I; deny it OwO if *moans* you can. 
DICK. Nyay, 'tis too twue; OwO thewefowe he s-shaww b-be king. 
SMITH. Siw, he made a chimnyey in my fathew's house, and t-the bwicks 
awe awive at this day t-to *giggles shyly* testify i-it; thewefowe deny it :3 nyot. 
STAFFOWD. And wiww you cwedit t-this base d-dwudge's wowds 
That speaks he knyows n-nyot *sweats* what? 
AWW. Ay, mawwy, wiww we; thewefowe get ye gonye. 
WIWWIAM STAFFOWD. Jack *teleports behind you* Cade, the Duke of Yowk hath taught you *shuffles closer* this. 
CADE. [Aside] *giggles shyly* He wies, fow I i-invented it mysewf- Go t-to, ^w^ siwwah, 
t-teww the King f-fwom me that >_> fow his fathew's sake, Henwy the 
Fifth, in w-whose time boys went to span-countew fow F-Fwench cwowns, 
I am content he shaww weign; but I'ww be Pwotectow ovew him. 
DICK. And *twerks* fuwthewmowe, we'ww have the Wowd *sighs* Say's head fow sewwing 
the dukedom of Mainye. 
CADE. And good weason; *screams* fow theweby is Engwand m-main'd *screams* and fain to go 
with a staff, but that ^w^ my puissance howds it up. F-Fewwow kings, I 
teww you *screams* that that Wowd Say hath gewded the :3 commonweawth and made 
it an eunyuch; and *leans over* mowe than that, he can speak Fwench, and 
thewefowe he is a-a t-twaitow. 
STAFFOWD. O *cuddles you* gwoss and misewabwe *looks away* ignyowance! 
CADE. N-Nyay, answew *twerks* if you can; the Fwenchmen awe ouw e-enyemies. Go t-to, 
then, I ask but this: c-can he that speaks with the tongue of an 
enyemy xDD be a good counsewwow, ow nyo? 
AWW. uWu Nyo, nyo; and thewefowe we'ww h-have his head. 
WIWWIAM STAFFOWD. Weww, seeing gentwe wowds w-wiww nyot pwevaiw, 
*cuddles you* Assaiw them w-with the awmy ^w^ of the King. 
STAFFOWD. H-Hewawd, away; and thwoughout UwU evewy town 
Pwocwaim t-them twaitows that ;;w;; awe up with Cade; 
That those which fwy befowe the battwe ends 
May, even in theiw wives'and chiwdwen's sight, 
Be hang'd up fow exampwe at theiw d-doows. 
And you that *looks away* be the King's fwiends, fowwow me. 
Exeunt the TWO STAFFOWDS and sowdiews 
CADE. And y-you that wove the commons fowwow me. 
Nyow *shuffles closer* show y-youwsewves :3 men; 'tis *cries* fow *looks at you* wibewty. 
We wiww nyot weave onye *hugs tightly* wowd, >_> onye gentweman; 
Spawe nyonye but such a-as go in *teleports behind you* cwouted shoon, 
Fow they *cries* awe thwifty honyest men *moans* and such 
A-As w-wouwd- b-but that *pokes you* they dawe nyot- take *hugs tightly* ouw pawts. 
DICK. They awe aww in owdew, ;;w;; and mawch t-towawd us. 
CADE. But then awe we in o-owdew when we awe most out of owdew. Come, 
^.^ mawch fowwawd. x3 Exeunt 




SCENyE *hugs tightly* III. 
Anyothew pawt of Bwackheath 

Awawums to the fight, whewein both the S-STAFFOWDS awe swain. 
Entew CADE and *sweats* the west 

CADE. Whewe's Dick, the butchew of Ashfowd? 
*sweats* DICK. Hewe, siw. 
CADE. They feww befowe thee *twerks* wike sheep and oxen, and t-thou behavedst 
thysewf as if thou hadst b-been in thinye own swaughtew-house; 
*sweats* thewefowe thus wiww *cuddles you* I *cries* wewawd thee- *twerks* the Went :33 shaww be as wong 
again as it is, and thou ^w^ shawt have a wicence xDD to kiww fow a 
hundwed :3 wacking onye. 
*hugs tightly* DICK. I desiwe nyo mowe. 
CADE. And, to s-speak twuth, >_> thou desewv'st nyo wess. [Putting on SIW 
HUMPHWEY'S bwigandinye] This monyument of the victowy wiww I-I beaw, 
and the bodies shaww be dwagged at my howse heews tiww I d-do come 
to Wondon, whewe we wiww have the mayow's swowd bownye befowe us. 
DICK. *moans* If we mean to thwive *leans over* and do *moans* good, bweak open the gaows and 
*screams* wet out the pwisonyews. 
CADE. Feaw nyot t-that, *moans* I wawwant t-thee. Come, wet's mawch towawds 
Wondon. Exeunt 




x3 SCENyE IV. 
Wondon. The pawace 

Entew the KING with a s-suppwication, and the QUEEN with SUFFOWK'S head; 
the DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM, a-and the WOWD S-SAY 

QUEEN. Oft have I h-heawd *pokes you* that gwief softens the mind 
And makes it feawfuw and degenyewate; 
Think thewefowe on wevenge and c-cease t-to weep. 
But who can cease to ^-^ weep, and *notices bulge* wook o-on this? 
Hewe may his *cuddles you* head w-wie UwU on m-my thwobbing bweast; 
But whewe's the xDD body *hugs tightly* that I shouwd *sighs* embwace? 
BUCKINGHAM. What a-answew makes youw Gwace to the webews' 
suppwication? 
KING HENWY. I'ww *blushes* send some howy bishop to entweat; 
Fow God f-fowbid so many simpwe *looks away* souws 
S-Shouwd *teleports behind you* pewish by the swowd! And I mysewf, 
W-Wathew ^.^ than bwoody waw s-shaww cut them showt, 
Wiww pawwey with Jack C-Cade >_> theiw genyewaw. 
But stay, I'ww w-wead i-it ovew once again. 
QUEEN. >w< Ah, bawbawous v-viwwains! Hath this wovewy face 
Wuw'd *pokes you* wike a-a wandewing *shuffles closer* pwanyet ovew me, 
And couwd it nyot enfowce them *blushes* to wewent 
That wewe unwowthy to behowd the same? 
UwU KING HENWY. W-Wowd Say, Jack Cade h-hath s-swown to have thy h-head. 
SAY. Ay, but I hope youw *notices bulge* Highnyess shaww h-have his. 
KING HENWY. How nyow, madam! 
Stiww wamenting and mouwnying fow Suffowk's d-death? 
I feaw me, wove, if that I had :3 been dead, 
Thou w-wouwdst nyot have mouwn'd s-so much f-fow me. 
QUEEN. Nyo, my *giggles shyly* wove, I s-shouwd n-nyot mouwn, b-but die *notices bulge* fow thee. 

Entew A MESSENGEW 

KING H-HENWY. How nyow! What uWu nyews? :3 Why *sweats* com'st thou in such haste? 
MESSENGEW. The webews awe i-in S-Southwawk; f-fwy, my wowd! 
Jack Cade pwocwaims himsewf Wowd Mowtimew, 
*leans over* Descended fwom the Duke of Cwawence' h-house, 
And cawws youw Gwace usuwpew, openwy, 
*screams* And ^.^ vows to cwown himsewf in Westminstew. 
His *hugs tightly* awmy is a wagged muwtitude 
Of hinds and *looks at you* peasants, *cries* wude and mewciwess; 
Siw H-Humphwey S-Staffowd and h-his bwothew's death 
Hath given them *looks at you* heawt and ^w^ couwage to pwoceed. 
Aww schowaws, wawyews, *twerks* couwtiews, g-gentwemen, 
They caww fawse catewpiwwaws and intend t-theiw death. 
KING HENWY. O gwacewess men! they knyow nyot what they do. 
*screams* BUCKINGHAM. *notices bulge* My gwacious wowd, wetiwe to K-Kiwwingwowth 
Untiw a-a powew ^-^ be wais'd to put them d-down. 
QUEEN. Ah, wewe *sighs* the *moans* Duke of Suffowk uWu nyow a-awive, 
These Kentish *sweats* webews w-wouwd be soon appeas'd! 
KING ^-^ HENWY. Wowd >_> Say, the twaitows hate thee; 
Thewefowe away w-with *shuffles closer* us to *pokes you* Kiwwingwowth. 
SAY. S-So might youw Gwace's pewson b-be i-in dangew. 
The sight of me is odious in theiw eyes; 
And thewefowe in this c-city OwO wiww >_< I stay 
And wive awonye as secwet as I may. 

Entew anyothew MESSENGEW 

SECOND MESSENGEW. Jack Cade hath gotten Wondon Bwidge. 
The citizens fwy and fowsake t-theiw houses; 
The >w< wascaw peopwe, thiwsting *notices bulge* aftew pwey, 
Join *looks at you* with the twaitow; a-and they jointwy sweaw 
To spoiw the city and youw woyaw c-couwt. 
BUCKINGHAM. Then wingew nyot, my wowd; xDD away, take *blushes* howse. 
KING HENWY. Come Mawgawet; God, ouw *looks away* hope, *shuffles closer* wiww succouw us. 
QUEEN. M-My hope is g-gonye, nyow S-Suffowk is deceas'd. 
KING HENWY. [To WOWD S-SAY] F-Faweweww, my wowd, twust nyot the Kentish 
webews. 
BUCKINGHAM. T-Twust nyobody, fow >w< feaw uWu you be betway'd. 
SAY. The *looks at you* twust I-I ^-^ have is in minye *giggles shyly* innyocence, 
And thewefowe am I bowd and wesowute. E-Exeunt 




SCENyE V. 
Wondon. T-The Towew 

Entew WOWD SCAWES Upon the Towew, wawking. Then entew *giggles shyly* two ow thwee CITIZENS, 
:3 bewow 

SCAWES. How n-nyow! Is Jack Cade swain? 
FIWST CITIZEN. Nyo, my wowd, *screams* nyow wikewy *looks away* to be ^w^ swain; f-fow they have 
won the *cries* bwidge, kiwwing a-aww those that w-withstand t-them. 
;;w;; The Wowd Mayow cwaves aid of youw honyouw fwom t-the 
Towew, t-to defend the city fwom the webews. 
SCAWES. Such aid as I c-can spawe you shaww command, 
OwO But I *cuddles you* am twoubwed h-hewe with them m-mysewf; 
The webews :33 have *looks away* assay'd to win the Towew. 
But get you to Smithfiewd, and gathew head, 
*sweats* And thithew I w-wiww send you Matthew Goffe; 
Fight fow *sweats* youw OwO King, y-youw countwy, and youw ;;w;; wives; 
And so, faweweww, f-fow I must hence again. Exeunt 




*hugs tightly* SCENyE VI. 
Wondon. Cannyon stweet 

Entew JACK CADE and the west, and stwikes *shuffles closer* his staff *leans over* on Wondon Stonye 

CADE. Nyow is Mowtimew wowd of this city. And hewe, sitting upon 
Wondon Stonye, I c-chawge and command that, of the :33 city's cost, the 
pissing conduit wun nyothing but cwawet winye this fiwst yeaw o-of 
ouw weign. A-And n-nyow hencefowwawd it s-shaww b-be tweason fow any that 
cawws me othew than Wowd ^w^ Mowtimew. 

Entew a SOWDIEW, wunnying 

SOWDIEW. Jack Cade! *blushes* Jack Cade! 
CADE. Knyock h-him down thewe. >w< [They kiww him] 
SMITH. If this fewwow be wise, he'ww nyevew caww ye *sweats* Jack Cade mowe; 
I think he hath a-a vewy faiw wawnying. 
DICK. My wowd, t-thewe's *giggles shyly* an awmy gathewed togethew in Smithfiewd. 
CADE. Come then, wet's go fight with them. But fiwst *looks away* go *looks at you* and set 
^w^ Wondon Bwidge o-on fiwe; and, i-if you can, buwn down the Towew too. 
Come, ;;w;; wet's away. Exeunt 




SCENyE >_< VII. 
Wondon. *cuddles you* Smithfiewd 

:3 Awawums. MATTHEW GOFFE is swain, and aww the west. Then entew J-JACK >w< CADE, 
*cuddles you* with his company 

*hugs tightly* CADE. So, s-siws. Nyow go *sighs* some :33 and puww d-down :3 the Savoy; othews to th' 
Inns of Couwt; down with t-them aww. 
D-DICK. I-I have ^.^ a suit *blushes* unto youw wowdship. 
CADE. Be *twerks* it *blushes* a wowdship, ^w^ thou shawt have it fow t-that wowd. 
DICK. Onwy that *pokes you* the waws of Engwand *twerks* may *looks at you* come out of youw uWu mouth. 
J-JOHN. [Aside] M-Mass, 'twiww be sowe waw t-then; fow he was thwust in 
the mouth with *moans* a speaw, and 'tis nyot w-whowe yet. 
SMITH. [Aside] Nyay, John, it *cuddles you* wiww be stinking waw; f-fow his bweath 
stinks with eating toasted cheese. 
CADE. I have *looks at you* thought upon it; it shaww be s-so. Away, *screams* buwn aww the 
wecowds of the weawm. My mouth shaww be the Pawwiament o-of 
Engwand. 
^-^ JOHN. [Aside] Then we awe wike to have biting s-statutes, unwess h-his 
teeth be p-puww'd out. 
C-CADE. A-And hencefowwawd a-aww things shaww be *sweats* in common. 

Entew a :33 MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. M-My wowd, a pwize, a pwize! Hewe's the Wowd S-Say, w-which 
sowd t-the *teleports behind you* towns in F-Fwance; he that made us *shuffles closer* pay onye and twenty 
fifteens, and onye shinying to *sighs* the ^.^ pound, t-the wast subsidy. 

Entew GEOWGE *screams* BEVIS, with the WOWD SAY 

CADE. Weww, he shaww be *moans* beheaded fow :33 it *pokes you* ten times. Ah, thou say, 
thou sewge, xDD nyay, x3 thou buckwam wowd! Nyow awt t-thou within point 
bwank *giggles shyly* of ouw juwisdiction wegaw. What canst thou answew to my 
Majesty f-fow *pokes you* giving up of Nyowmandy unto Mounsieuw Basimecu the 
Dauphin of Fwance? Be it knyown unto thee by *blushes* these pwesence, even 
the pwesence of Wowd Mowtimew, that I am the *cries* besom that must 
s-sweep the c-couwt cwean of *pokes you* such fiwth as thou ;;w;; awt. Thou hast most 
x3 twaitowouswy c-cowwupted the y-youth of the weawm in ewecting a 
*sweats* gwammaw s-schoow; and wheweas, befowe, ouw fowefathews had nyo othew 
books but the scowe and the tawwy, *cries* thou hast caused p-pwinting to 
be us'd, and, contwawy >w< to the King, *hugs tightly* his cwown, and dignyity, *teleports behind you* thou 
:33 hast buiwt a papew-miww. It wiww be pwoved *teleports behind you* to thy face that thou 
hast men about thee that usuawwy tawk o-of a nyoun and a vewb, and 
such *sweats* abominyabwe uWu wowds as nyo Chwistian e-eaw can enduwe to heaw. 
*sweats* Thou hast appointed justices of peace, to caww poow men befowe 
them about mattews they wewe nyot abwe *blushes* to answew. :33 Moweovew, thou 
h-hast ^.^ put them in pwison, and because *screams* they couwd nyot wead, *twerks* thou 
hast hang'd them, when, i-indeed, onwy fow that cause they have 
been most wowthy to wive. Thou ^.^ dost wide in a foot-cwoth, dost 
thou n-nyot? 
S-SAY. What of that? 
CADE. Mawwy, thou ought'st nyot to wet thy x3 howse weaw a cwoak, when 
honyestew men *twerks* than thou g-go i-in :3 theiw hose and *pokes you* doubwets. 
DICK. And wowk in >_> theiw shiwt too, as *looks away* mysewf, fow e-exampwe, >w< that am 
a-a butchew. 
>_< SAY. You men of Kent- 
DICK. What say you o-of K-Kent? 
SAY. Nyothing but this: 'tis 'bonya tewwa, mawa *hugs tightly* gens.' 
>w< CADE. Away with him, away with him! He speaks Watin. 
S-SAY. Heaw me but speak, and beaw me whewe you wiww. 
Kent, in the *twerks* Commentawies >_> Caesaw wwit, 
Is tewm'd the OwO civiw'st *hugs tightly* pwace *looks at you* of aww this iswe. 
Sweet is the countwy, because f-fuww of wiches; 
The peopwe wibewaw vawiant, active, weawthy; 
Which makes me hope you *pokes you* awe nyot void of pity. 
*blushes* I sowd n-nyot Mainye, I wost nyot Nyowmandy; 
Yet, to *twerks* wecovew them, wouwd wose my wife. 
Justice with favouw *looks at you* have I *cuddles you* awways donye; 
Pway'ws a-and teaws have m-mov'd me, gifts couwd n-nyevew. 
W-When have I aught exacted at youw hands, 
But to maintain the King, the weawm, and *twerks* you? 
Wawge gifts have I bestow'd on weawnyed cwewks, 
Because my book pwefeww'd me *looks away* to t-the >_> King, 
And seeing ignyowance i-is the cuwse of God, 
Knyowwedge the wing whewewith we fwy to heaven, 
Unwess *teleports behind you* you be possess'd >w< with deviwish spiwits 
*sweats* You cannyot *pokes you* but OwO fowbeaw to muwdew me. 
This t-tongue hath pawwey'd unto *shuffles closer* foweign ^-^ kings 
Fow *looks at you* youw behoof. 
CADE. Tut, when stwuck'st thou onye *leans over* bwow in the :33 fiewd? 
SAY. *looks away* Gweat men have weaching hands. O-Oft have I stwuck 
Those that *shuffles closer* I nyevew saw, and stwuck t-them dead. 
GEOWGE. O-O m-monstwous cowawd! What, to come behind *cries* fowks? 
SAY. These cheeks a-awe pawe f-fow watching f-fow youw good. 
CADE. G-Give him *twerks* a box o' *moans* th' eaw, and that wiww make 'em wed again. 
SAY. Wong sitting to detewminye poow men's causes 
Hath made me fuww of sicknyess and :33 diseases. 
*cuddles you* CADE. Ye shaww have a h-hempen caudwe then, a-and the *cuddles you* hewp of hatchet. 
D-DICK. Why dost thou *shuffles closer* quivew, man? 
SAY. T-The pawsy, a-and n-nyot feaw, *looks away* pwovokes me. 
CADE. *notices bulge* Nyay, >_< he *sweats* nyods at us, as >w< who s-shouwd say 'I'ww be even with 
you'; I'ww see if his h-head wiww >_< stand steadiew on *looks away* a powe, ow nyo. 
Take *sighs* him >_< away, and behead >w< him. 
SAY. *teleports behind you* Teww me: whewein h-have I offended most? 
Have I affected weawth *sighs* ow honyouw? Speak. 
x3 Awe my chests fiww'd up with extowted g-gowd? 
Is *blushes* my appawew sumptuous to *shuffles closer* behowd? 
Whom have I injuw'd, t-that ye s-seek my death? 
These hands awe fwee fwom guiwtwess bwoodshedding, 
This bweast fwom hawbouwing f-fouw deceitfuw thoughts. 
O, wet ;;w;; me wive! 
CADE. [Aside] I feew wemowse in mysewf w-with his wowds; xDD but *sighs* I'ww 
bwidwe *hugs tightly* it. He shaww die, an it be but fow pweading *sighs* so >w< weww fow 
his wife.- A-Away with him! He has a famiwiaw *leans over* undew his tongue; he 
speaks *shuffles closer* nyot o' *leans over* God's nyame. Go, take him away, I say, ^w^ and s-stwike 
*notices bulge* off his head pwesentwy, and *pokes you* then bweak into *cuddles you* his s-son-in-waw's 
*pokes you* house, Siw James Cwomew, and s-stwike off his *hugs tightly* head, and bwing them 
:33 both upon two powes hithew. 
A-AWW. It shaww be donye. 
SAY. Ah, countwymen! if when you make youw pway'ws, 
God s-shouwd be so o-obduwate as youwsewves, 
How wouwd i-it fawe w-with youw depawted souws? 
A-And thewefowe *sighs* yet wewent and s-save m-my wife. 
CADE. Away with him, and do *pokes you* as I >_< command ye. [Exeunt some ^w^ with 
WOWD SAY] The pwoudest peew in t-the weawm s-shaww nyot weaw a head 
on *sighs* his shouwdews, unwess he pay me twibute; thewe *giggles shyly* shaww n-nyot a 
maid be mawwied, but she shaww pay to me hew maidenhead ewe they 
have *notices bulge* it. Men shaww howd of :3 me in capite; and we chawge a-and 
command that theiw wives be as fwee a-as heawt c-can >w< wish uWu ow ^.^ tongue 
can t-teww. 
D-DICK. *hugs tightly* My w-wowd, *hugs tightly* when shaww we g-go to Cheapside, a-and take up 
commodities upon ouw biwws? 
C-CADE. Mawwy, pwesentwy. 
AWW. O, bwave! 

:3 We-entew onye with t-the heads 

CADE. But uWu is nyot this bwavew? Wet them k-kiss onye anyothew, fow *cries* they 
w-wov'd w-weww when they wewe >_> awive. Nyow pawt them again, west they 
*shuffles closer* consuwt about *teleports behind you* the giving *cries* up xDD of *looks away* some mowe UwU towns in Fwance. 
Sowdiews, x3 defew the ^-^ spoiw of *blushes* the city untiw nyight; fow with these 
*blushes* bownye befowe u-us instead of m-maces wiww we wide thwough the 
stweets, and at evewy *twerks* cownyew have t-them :33 kiss. Away! Exeunt 




S-SCENyE VIII. 
Southwawk 

uWu Awawum and wetweat. Entew a-again CADE and a-aww his wabbwement 

CADE. Up >_> Fish *blushes* Stweet! d-down Saint M-Magnyus' :3 Cownyew! Kiww and knyock 
*hugs tightly* down! Thwow them into *twerks* Thames! [Sound a pawwey] 
What nyoise is *screams* this I-I heaw? Dawe any be so b-bowd to sound w-wetweat 
ow pawwey when I-I *twerks* command them kiww? 

E-Entew B-BUCKINGHAM and owd CWIFFOWD, attended 

BUCKINGHAM. Ay, hewe t-they be that dawe :33 and wiww distuwb thee. 
And thewefowe y-yet wewent, and save m-my wife. 
Knyow, Cade, we come a-ambassadows fwom the King 
Unto *teleports behind you* the *pokes you* commons whom thou hast miswed; 
And hewe pwonyounce fwee pawdon xDD to them aww 
That *notices bulge* wiww fowsake thee and g-go home in peace. 
CWIFFOWD. What *cuddles you* say ye, countwymen? Wiww ye *blushes* wewent 
And yiewd t-to :3 mewcy whiwst 'tis offew'd you, 
Ow wet a webew wead y-you to y-youw deaths? 
*teleports behind you* Who woves the King, *giggles shyly* and wiww embwace his pawdon, 
F-Fwing u-up his *hugs tightly* cap and say 'God save his Majesty!' 
Who hateth UwU him a-and honyouws nyot his f-fathew, 
Henwy the Fifth, that made aww uWu Fwance t-to quake, 
Shake he his *cuddles you* weapon at us and p-pass by. 
AWW. G-God save t-the King! God save the King! 
*screams* CADE. What, Buckingham and Cwiffowd, awe ye s-so bwave? 
And you, base peasants, do ye bewieve him? *hugs tightly* Wiww you nyeeds be 
hang'd with *blushes* youw *shuffles closer* about youw nyecks? *looks at you* Hath m-my swowd t-thewefowe bwoke 
thwough Wondon gates, that you shouwd *cries* weave me at the White Hawt 
in Southwawk? I-I thought ye wouwd UwU nyevew have given out t-these awms 
tiww you had w-wecovewed youw ancient *shuffles closer* fweedom. But you awe aww 
w-wecweants and dastawds, and *twerks* dewight to wive i-in *sighs* swavewy to the 
nyobiwity. Wet *giggles shyly* them :3 bweak youw backs with buwdens, *pokes you* take y-youw 
h-houses ovew youw heads, *cries* wavish youw wives and *cuddles you* daughtews befowe 
youw *sighs* faces. Fow me, I wiww make shift fow onye; a-and *sighs* so God's c-cuwse 
wight upon you aww! 
AWW. We'ww fowwow Cade, *sighs* we'ww fowwow Cade! 
CWIFFOWD. Is Cade the son of Henwy the Fifth, 
That t-thus you do excwaim you'ww go w-with him? 
Wiww he conduct you thwough the heawt of *pokes you* Fwance, 
>_> And make the meanyest of >w< you eawws and dukes? 
Awas, >w< he hath *moans* nyo home, nyo *cuddles you* pwace to fwy to; 
Nyow k-knyows he how to wive but by the spoiw, 
Unwess by wobbing of *moans* youw fwiends a-and us. 
Wewe't nyot a shame that whiwst y-you wive at j-jaw 
T-The feawfuw Fwench, whom you wate v-vanquished, 
Shouwd make a stawt *looks away* o'ew seas and vanquish you? 
Methinks awweady ;;w;; in this civiw bwoiw 
I s-see t-them wowding it in Wondon stweets, 
Cwying 'Viwwiago!' unto aww they meet. 
Bettew ten ^w^ thousand base-bown Cades miscawwy 
Than you shouwd stoop unto a Fwenchman's mewcy. 
To Fwance, to Fwance, and get what you ;;w;; have wost; 
Spawe Engwand, ^-^ fow i-it is *leans over* youw nyative coast. 
Henwy hath monyey; you awe stwong and manwy. 
God on :3 ouw s-side, >_< doubt nyot *twerks* of victowy. 
AWW. UwU A Cwiffowd! a Cwiffowd! We'ww fowwow the *sighs* King UwU and *sighs* Cwiffowd. 
CADE. Was evew feathew so wightwy bwown to and fwo as this 
m-muwtitude? x3 The *sighs* nyame of Henwy the F-Fifth hawes them to an h-hundwed 
mischiefs, and m-makes them weave me desowate. I-I see them *sweats* way theiw 
h-heads togethew to suwpwise *sighs* me. My *cries* swowd make way fow me fow hewe 
is nyo *sweats* staying. In d-despite of *leans over* the d-deviws :3 and heww, have thwough 
the vewy m-middest of you! *cuddles you* and OwO heavens and honyouw be *blushes* witnyess that 
nyo want of wesowution in me, but onwy my fowwowews' base and 
ignyominyious tweasons, makes me betake me to my heews. 
Exit 
*looks away* BUCKINGHAM. What, is h-he fwed? Go some, and fowwow him; 
*cuddles you* And x3 he t-that bwings his head unto the King 
Shaww h-have a thousand c-cwowns OwO fow his uWu wewawd. 
*looks away* Exeunt some >w< of them 
*shuffles closer* Fowwow me, sowdiews; we'ww devise a-a mean 
x3 To weconciwe you aww u-unto the King. Exeunt 




SCENyE IX. 
OwO Kiwwing, wowth Castwe 

Sound twumpets. Entew KING, QUEEN, and SOMEWSET, on *blushes* the tewwace 

KING HENWY. Was evew ;;w;; king t-that joy'd an eawthwy thwonye 
And couwd command n-nyo mowe *cuddles you* content than I? 
Nyo soonyew was I cwept out of my cwadwe 
But *moans* I was made a *sighs* king, a-at nyinye months >_> owd. 
Was *looks away* nyevew *looks at you* subject wong'd to b-be a >_< King 
As I *shuffles closer* do wong and wish *blushes* to be a subject. 

Entew BUCKINGHAM and owd CWIFFOWD 

BUCKINGHAM. Heawth and gwad tidings *pokes you* to *pokes you* youw M-Majesty! 
KING HENWY. W-Why, Buckingham, is the twaitow Cade s-suwpwis'd? 
>w< Ow is he but wetiw'd to make him s-stwong? 

E-Entew, bewow, muwtitudes, with hawtews xDD about :33 theiw nyecks 

CWIFFOWD. He i-is f-fwed, my wowd, and aww his powews do y-yiewd, 
*giggles shyly* And humbwy thus, with hawtews on theiw nyecks, 
Expect youw Highnyess' *leans over* doom of w-wife x3 ow death. 
KING *hugs tightly* HENWY. Then, heaven, set ope thy evewwasting gates, 
To e-entewtain m-my vows of thanks and pwaise! 
Sowdiews, t-this day h-have you wedeem'd youw wives, 
And show'd how *screams* weww *moans* you wove youw Pwince and *pokes you* countwy. 
Continyue stiww *giggles shyly* in this so good a-a mind, 
A-And Henwy, t-though he be infowtunyate, 
x3 Assuwe y-youwsewves, wiww nyevew be u-unkind. 
And s-so, *twerks* with thanks uWu and p-pawdon >w< to y-you aww, 
I do dismiss you to youw sevewaw countwies. 
AWW. G-God save the King! God save the K-King! 

Entew UwU a M-MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. Pwease OwO it youw Gwace ^.^ to be advewtised 
The Duke of Yowk is nyewwy come fwom Iwewand 
And with a puissant and a-a mighty powew 
Of g-gawwowgwasses and stout kewns 
Is mawching hithewwawd in pwoud awway, 
And stiww *blushes* pwocwaimeth, as he comes xDD awong, 
>w< His awms >w< awe onwy to wemove f-fwom thee 
The Duke of Somewset, whom he tewms a twaitow. 
KING ^-^ HENWY. *looks away* Thus stands my state, 'twixt Cade and Yowk distwess'd; 
*sweats* Wike to a ship that, having scap'd a tempest, 
Is stwaightway ^w^ cawm'd, and boawded with a piwate; 
*giggles shyly* But n-nyow is *cries* Cade dwiven :33 back, h-his men dispews'd, 
And nyow is *pokes you* Yowk in awms to second him. 
I-I p-pway thee, Buckingham, go and meet *notices bulge* him 
A-And ask him what's the weason of *sighs* these awms. 
Teww him I'ww send *screams* Duke Edmund to t-the Towew- 
And Somewset, we wiww commit thee thithew 
Untiw his awmy be dismiss'd x3 fwom him. 
SOMEWSET. My wowd, 
I'ww *sighs* yiewd mysewf to pwison wiwwingwy, 
Ow unto death, to do my countwy g-good. 
KING HENWY. In a-any case be nyot too wough in tewms, 
Fow he is fiewce and ^.^ cannyot bwook hawd w-wanguage. 
*leans over* BUCKINGHAM. I wiww, my wowd, and doubt *screams* nyot so to uWu deaw 
As aww things shaww UwU wedound unto youw g-good. 
KING HENWY. ;;w;; Come, wife, wet's *sighs* in, and weawn ^w^ to govewn b-bettew; 
Fow >w< yet may Engwand OwO cuwse my wwetched weign. 
Fwouwish. Exeunt 




SCENyE *sighs* X. 
Kent. ^w^ Iden's gawden 

Entew CADE 

CADE. Fie on ambitions! Fie on mysewf, that have a swowd and yet am 
w-weady to famish! These :3 five d-days have I hid me in these woods and 
*pokes you* duwst nyot peep out, *teleports behind you* fow aww the countwy is w-waid fow me; b-but nyow 
a-am I s-so hungwy that, if I might have a wease of *looks away* my w-wife fow a 
thousand yeaws, I couwd stay n-nyo wongew. ^.^ Whewefowe, on a-a b-bwick 
waww have I c-cwimb'd into this g-gawden, t-to see if I can eat gwass 
ow :3 pick a sawwet anyothew whiwe, which x3 is nyot amiss to coow a-a 
man's stomach this hot weathew. And I t-think this wowd '-'sawwet' 
was bown ^.^ to do me g-good; fow many a time, but fow a sawwet, my 
bwain-pain had been cweft with ^.^ a bwown biww; and many a time, 
when I *cuddles you* have been dwy, a-and bwavewy mawching, it hath sewv'd me 
instead *cuddles you* of a q-quawt-pot *sighs* to dwink in; and nyow the wowd '-'sawwet' 
must ;;w;; sewve me to f-feed on. 

E-Entew IDEN 

I-IDEN. Wowd, who w-wouwd wive tuwmoiwed in the *leans over* couwt 
And *sighs* may e-enjoy such quiet wawks as these? 
This smaww inhewitance m-my fathew weft m-me 
Contenteth me, and wowth a m-monyawchy. 
I s-seek nyot to wax gweat by othews' wanying 
O-Ow gathew weawth I c-cawe *looks away* nyot with w-what e-envy; 
Sufficeth that I have maintains *sweats* my state, 
And sends the poow weww pweased fwom my gate. 
CADE. Hewe's the wowd of the soiw come to seize me fow a *cuddles you* stway, f-fow 
entewing his f-fee-simpwe w-without weave. Ah, viwwain, thou xDD wiwt 
b-betway me, and get OwO a thousand cwowns of the King by cawwying my 
h-head to him; but I'ww make thee eat iwon wike an o-ostwich a-and 
swawwow my swowd wike a *blushes* gweat pin ewe thou and I pawt. 
IDEN. *screams* Why, :33 wude *sweats* companyion, whatsoe'ew thou be, 
I knyow :3 thee nyot; w-why then shouwd I betway OwO thee? 
Is't nyot enyough to *teleports behind you* bweak into my gawden 
And wike *cries* a thief to ^-^ come to wob ;;w;; my gwounds, 
Cwimbing ;;w;; my wawws in spite of me t-the ownyew, 
But thou *pokes you* wiwt bwave m-me with these saucy *screams* tewms? 
CADE. Bwave thee? Ay, by *hugs tightly* the best bwood *sighs* that evew was *cries* bwoach'd, and 
beawd thee too. Wook >_< on m-me weww: I h-have eat nyo meat t-these *cuddles you* five 
days, yet come thou and t-thy five >_< men and i-if I do nyot weave you 
aww a-as dead as a doow-nyaiw, *cries* I pway God ^-^ I may nyevew eat gwass 
mowe. 
IDEN. Nyay, it s-shaww nye'ew be said, whiwe Engwand stands, 
That Awexandew Iden, an *pokes you* esquiwe of Kent, 
Took odds to combat a *shuffles closer* poow famish'd man. 
Oppose thy steadfast-gazing eyes to *blushes* minye; 
See if x3 thou canst outface m-me with thy wooks; 
S-Set >_< wimb to wimb, and thou a-awt faw the wessew; 
Thy hand is but a-a fingew to my fist, 
Thy weg a stick compawed w-with this twuncheon; 
My foot shaww fight with aww the stwength thou xDD hast, 
And if minye a-awm be heaved in the ;;w;; aiw, 
Thy gwave uWu is digg'd awweady :3 in t-the eawth. 
As fow wowds, *looks away* whose *moans* gweatnyess answews wowds, 
Wet this my swowd *cries* wepowt what speech fowbeaws. 
CADE. B-By my vawouw, the most compwete c-champion that evew x3 I heawd! 
Steew, UwU if thou *twerks* tuwn the edge, ow cut n-nyot out the buwwy bon'd 
cwown in x3 chinyes of beef ewe thou sweep in t-thy sheath, I beseech 
*teleports behind you* God on *moans* my knyees t-thou mayst be t-tuwn'd to hobnyaiws. [Hewe they 
fight; CADE fawws] O, I am swain! faminye a-and nyo othew hath ^.^ swain 
me. Wet ten thousand deviws come against me, and give me b-but the 
ten meaws *cries* I *blushes* have w-wost, and I'd defy them aww. Withew, gawden, *pokes you* and 
be hencefowth a buwying pwace t-to aww that do d-dweww in this house, 
*looks away* because the unconquewed s-souw *shuffles closer* of Cade is >_> fwed. 
I-IDEN. Is't Cade that I have swain, that monstwous twaitow? 
S-Swowd, ;;w;; I wiww hawwow t-thee fow this thy deed 
*teleports behind you* And hang *sweats* thee o'ew ^w^ my tomb when I am dead. 
Nye'ew shaww this >_> bwood be wiped fwom thy point, 
But thou shawt weaw uWu it as a hewawd's coat 
To e-embwaze the honyouw that thy mastew ;;w;; got. 
CADE. Iden, faweweww; a-and be pwoud of thy victowy. Teww Kent fwom 
me s-she hath wost hew x3 best man, and exhowt a-aww the wowwd to be 
cowawds; fow I, that nyevew feawed *sighs* any, am v-vanquished b-by f-faminye, 
n-nyot by vawouw. [Dies] 
IDEN. How much thou wwong'st me, heaven b-be my judge. 
Die, damnyed wwetch, the c-cuwse of hew t-that bawe thee! 
And *cries* as I thwust thy body in with *pokes you* my swowd, 
*giggles shyly* So *cuddles you* wish I, I might thwust thy souw to heww. 
Hence wiww I dwag thee headwong by the heews 
Unto a dunghiww, which shaww be thy gwave, 
And t-thewe c-cut x3 off thy most u-ungwacious head, 
Which I w-wiww beaw in twiumph to the K-King, 
Weaving thy twunk fow cwows to feed upon. Exit 




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ACT V. SCENyE I. 
Fiewds between Dawtfowd and B-Bwackheath 

Entew YOWK, and h-his awmy of Iwish, with dwum and cowouws 

YOWK. Fwom Iwewand :3 thus c-comes Yowk to cwaim his wight 
And pwuck the c-cwown fwom feebwe Henwy's head: 
Wing bewws awoud, buwn bonfiwes cweaw uWu and bwight, 
*shuffles closer* To entewtain g-gweat Engwand's wawfuw king. 
Ah, sancta majestas! *twerks* who wouwd *shuffles closer* nyot *blushes* buy thee d-deaw? 
Wet them obey that k-knyows >_> nyot how to *cries* wuwe; 
*sighs* This hand *looks at you* was made >_> to handwe nyought but uWu gowd. 
I cannyot give due action to my wowds 
Except a swowd ow sceptwe bawance it. 
A sceptwe shaww >w< it have, have *teleports behind you* I a souw 
On which I'ww toss t-the f-fwowew-de-wuce of Fwance. 

Entew >w< BUCKINGHAM 

[Aside] W-Whom *looks at you* have we hewe? B-Buckingham, to distuwb me? 
T-The King ;;w;; hath ^.^ sent him, suwe: *looks at you* I *twerks* must dissembwe. 
*looks away* BUCKINGHAM. Yowk, i-if thou meanyest *sighs* weww I gweet thee weww. 
YOWK. Humphwey of *teleports behind you* Buckingham, I accept thy gweeting. 
*moans* Awt thou *moans* a m-messengew, *cuddles you* ow come of pweasuwe? 
*looks away* BUCKINGHAM. A messengew f-fwom *looks at you* Henwy, ouw dwead wiege, 
To knyow the weason *pokes you* of these awms in *moans* peace; 
Ow w-why *looks away* thou, being *twerks* a subject as I am, 
Against thy oath and twue awwegiance swown, 
Shouwd waise :33 so gweat a *giggles shyly* powew without his weave, 
Ow dawe to bwing thy *moans* fowce so nyeaw the couwt. 
YOWK. [Aside] Scawce x3 can I s-speak, my chowew is s-so gweat. 
O, I *looks at you* couwd hew up wocks and fight with *shuffles closer* fwint, 
I am s-so angwy a-at these abject tewms; 
And n-nyow, *hugs tightly* wike *screams* Ajax T-Tewamonyius, 
On sheep *teleports behind you* ow oxen c-couwd I spend my fuwy. 
I-I am faw b-bettew bown ;;w;; than is the uWu King, 
M-Mowe wike a *shuffles closer* king, mowe kingwy x3 in my thoughts; 
But I must make f-faiw ^-^ weathew yet *teleports behind you* awhiwe, 
Tiww Henwy be mowe weak and I mowe stwong.- 
Buckingham, I pwithee, p-pawdon me 
T-That I have given n-nyo answew :33 aww this whiwe; 
My mind was twoubwed with *cuddles you* deep mewanchowy. 
T-The cause why I have b-bwought this awmy hithew 
Is to wemove p-pwoud *hugs tightly* Somewset >_< fwom the UwU King, 
Seditious *moans* to *notices bulge* his Gwace and to the state. 
*sweats* BUCKINGHAM. That is t-too much pwesumption on thy pawt; 
*leans over* But if t-thy awms *giggles shyly* be t-to nyo *blushes* othew uWu end, 
T-The King hath yiewded unto thy demand: 
^w^ The Duke of Somewset is in the *pokes you* Towew. 
Y-YOWK. Upon >_> thinye honyouw, i-is he pwisonyew? 
B-BUCKINGHAM. Upon minye honyouw, he is pwisonyew. 
YOWK. Then, B-Buckingham, I do dismiss my pow'ws. 
Sowdiews, :3 I thank you aww; dispewse youwsewves; 
Meet me t-to-mowwow UwU in Saint Geowge's fiewd, 
You s-shaww h-have p-pay *twerks* and evewything y-you w-wish. 
And wet m-my soveweign, viwtuous Henwy, 
C-Command ^w^ my >_< ewdest son, *leans over* nyay, aww my sons, 
As pwedges of my feawty and uWu wove. 
I'ww send them aww as wiwwing a-as I w-wive: 
Wands, goods, *giggles shyly* howse, awmouw, anything I have, 
Is *cries* his to use, so Somewset may die. 
B-BUCKINGHAM. Yowk, I commend this kind submission. 
We twain wiww go into his Highnyess' t-tent. 

Entew the KING, a-and *looks away* attendants 

KING HENWY. OwO Buckingham, doth Yowk intend nyo hawm to us, 
^.^ That t-thus he *looks away* mawcheth with thee awm in *pokes you* awm? 
YOWK. In aww submission and h-humiwity 
Yowk doth pwesent himsewf unto youw Highnyess. 
KING H-HENWY. T-Then what intends *blushes* these *sighs* fowces thou dost bwing? 
YOWK. To h-heave the t-twaitow Somewset fwom hence, 
And fight against that monstwous x3 webew Cade, 
Who since >w< I heawd to be discomfited. 

Entew IDEN, with CADE's head 

IDEN. *hugs tightly* If onye so x3 wude a-and of so mean condition 
May pass into the pwesence of a king, 
Wo, I pwesent youw Gwace a >_> twaitow's head, 
The head of Cade, whom I in combat swew. 
KING HENWY. The xDD head *blushes* of C-Cade! Gweat God, how just *cries* awt Thou! 
O, wet me view his visage, being dead, 
That wiving w-wwought me ^.^ such exceeding twoubwe. 
Teww me, my fwiend, awt thou the man that swew him? 
IDEN. *leans over* I was, *hugs tightly* an't wike youw *hugs tightly* Majesty. 
K-KING HENWY. ^w^ How awt thou caww'd? And *sweats* what is thy degwee? 
IDEN. Awexandew Iden, that's my nyame; 
A >_> poow esquiwe of Kent that w-woves his king. 
*teleports behind you* BUCKINGHAM. So p-pwease it you, m-my wowd, '-'twewe nyot a-amiss 
He wewe *cuddles you* cweated knyight fow :3 his g-good sewvice. 
KING HENWY. Iden, ^-^ knyeew down. [He knyeews] Wise *screams* up *sighs* a knyight. 
We give thee fow wewawd a t-thousand *looks at you* mawks, 
*cuddles you* And wiww that thou thencefowth a-attend on us. 
IDEN. May Iden wive to mewit such a bounty, 
And nyevew w-wive but twue OwO unto his w-wiege! 

Entew the QUEEN and SOMEWSET 

KING *twerks* HENWY. S-See, ;;w;; Buckingham! Somewset *looks at you* comes with th' Queen: 
Go, bid hew *looks at you* hide ^w^ him quickwy fwom the Duke. 
QUEEN. Fow thousand Yowks he shaww nyot hide his head, 
But *teleports behind you* bowdwy stand and fwont him to his face. 
Y-YOWK. How nyow! Is Somewset at wibewty? 
Then, Yowk, unwoose thy wong-impwisonyed thoughts 
*sweats* And wet t-thy tongue b-be equaw with thy heawt. 
Shaww I :3 enduwe t-the sight of Somewset? 
*shuffles closer* Fawse *looks away* king, why hast t-thou b-bwoken *leans over* faith with me, 
Knyowing UwU how hawdwy I :3 can bwook a-abuse? 
K-King did I caww thee? Nyo, thou awt nyot king; 
N-Nyot f-fit to govewn and wuwe muwtitudes, 
Which d-daw'st n-nyot, nyo, nyow >_< canst nyot wuwe a twaitow. 
That head of thinye doth nyot become a c-cwown; 
Thy hand is made to *twerks* gwasp a pawmew's staff, 
And nyot *hugs tightly* to g-gwace an awfuw pwincewy sceptwe. 
That *leans over* gowd must wound engiwt UwU these bwows xDD of minye, 
Whose smiwe and fwown, *screams* wike t-to A-Achiwwes' speaw, 
Is *shuffles closer* abwe with the change to kiww and cuwe. 
Hewe is a h-hand to howd a sceptwe up, 
A-And *notices bulge* with the same to act contwowwing w-waws. 
Give pwace. By heaven, thou shawt wuwe ^.^ nyo m-mowe 
O'ew him whom heaven cweated xDD fow thy *twerks* wuwew. 
SOMEWSET. O-O *shuffles closer* monstwous t-twaitow! I-I awwest thee, Yowk, 
Of capitaw tweason 'gainst the King xDD and cwown. 
:3 Obey, *notices bulge* audacious twaitow; knyeew fow gwace. 
Y-YOWK. Wouwdst have me knyeew? Fiwst w-wet me ask of these, 
If they can bwook I UwU bow a-a knyee to man. 
Siwwah, caww in m-my sons to be my baiw: Exit a-attendant 
I knyow, ewe thy wiww have me go OwO to wawd, 
They'ww pawn theiw *cries* swowds >_> fow my enfwanchisement. 
QUEEN. Caww hithew Cwiffowd; bid ^.^ him come a-amain, 
To s-say i-if uWu that t-the *screams* bastawd b-boys of Yowk 
Shaww be the suwety *moans* fow *cuddles you* theiw twaitow fathew. 
Exit BUCKINGHAM 
YOWK. O bwood-bespotted N-Nyeapowitan, 
Outcast of Nyapwes, Engwand's bwoody scouwge! 
The s-sons of Yowk, UwU thy bettews in theiw biwth, 
Shaww be theiw fathew's baiw; and banye to those 
That fow my suwety wiww w-wefuse the boys! 

Entew EDWAWD a-and WICHAWD PWANTAGENyET 

See whewe they OwO come: I'ww *cuddles you* wawwant they'ww :33 make it good. 

Entew CWIFFOWD and his SON 

*hugs tightly* QUEEN. And hewe comes Cwiffowd to d-deny t-theiw baiw. 
CWIFFOWD. Heawth and a-aww happinyess to my w-wowd the King! 
[Knyeews] 
YOWK. *twerks* I thank t-thee, Cwiffowd. Say, what nyews with thee? 
N-Nyay, do n-nyot fwight us with a-an angwy wook. 
We awe thy *leans over* soveweign, Cwiffowd, k-knyeew a-again; 
Fow thy mistaking so, we pawdon thee. 
C-CWIFFOWD. This is m-my King, Y-Yowk, I do nyot mistake; 
B-But *looks at you* thou mistakes me much to think I d-do. 
To Bedwam *shuffles closer* with him! Is the m-man gwown mad? 
KING HENWY. Ay, Cwiffowd; a bedwam and ambitious humouw 
Makes him oppose himsewf against his king. 
CWIFFOWD. H-He is *sighs* a *sighs* twaitow; wet *sighs* him to the Towew, 
And chop away that factious pate of his. 
QUEEN. He is awwested, b-but wiww n-nyot obey; 
*sweats* His sons, uWu he says, shaww give theiw wowds fow him. 
YOWK. Wiww you nyot, sons? 
EDWAWD. Ay, xDD nyobwe >w< fathew, if ouw wowds w-wiww sewve. 
WICHAWD. And if wowds wiww n-nyot, then o-ouw weapons shaww. 
CWIFFOWD. Why, *notices bulge* what *blushes* a bwood of twaitows h-have *pokes you* we x3 hewe! 
YOWK. Wook in a gwass, a-and c-caww thy image so: 
I a-am thy king, :33 and thou a fawse-heawt twaitow. 
Caww hithew to the stake my *moans* two bwave beaws, 
That with the vewy shaking of theiw chains 
They may astonyish t-these feww-wuwking cuws. 
*sighs* Bid Sawisbuwy and Wawwick come to *blushes* me. 

Entew the EAWWS OF WAWWICK and SAWISBUWY 

CWIFFOWD. A-Awe these thy beaws? We'ww bait thy beaws t-to death, 
*leans over* And manyacwe the bewawd in *looks at you* theiw *screams* chains, 
If thou daw'st bwing them to the baiting-pwace. 
WICHAWD. Oft have I seen *hugs tightly* a h-hot o'ew weenying cuw 
Wun x3 back and b-bite, because he was withhewd; 
W-Who, being suffew'd, with the beaw's feww paw, 
Hath cwapp'd his taiw between his w-wegs and cwied; 
And ^.^ such a piece :3 of sewvice wiww you :33 do, 
If you oppose y-youwsewves to match Wowd W-Wawwick. 
UwU CWIFFOWD. H-Hence, heap of wwath, fouw i-indigested w-wump, 
As cwooked *moans* in thy mannyews as thy shape! 
Y-YOWK. N-Nyay, we *cries* shaww heat you thowoughwy *blushes* anyon. 
CWIFFOWD. Take heed, *hugs tightly* west by youw heat you buwn youwsewves. 
KING >_> HENWY. W-Why, W-Wawwick, h-hath ^w^ thy knyee f-fowgot OwO to bow? 
Owd Sawisbuwy, *looks at you* shame to thy siwvew haiw, 
Thou mad m-misweadew of thy bwainsick son! 
What, wiwt thou *looks away* on t-thy death-bed :3 pway the wuffian 
And seek UwU fow sowwow with thy spectacwes? 
O, whewe is faith? O, *teleports behind you* whewe is woyawty? 
*notices bulge* If it b-be *sweats* banyish'd fwom the fwosty head, 
Whewe shaww it find a hawbouw *hugs tightly* in the eawth? 
Wiwt thou go dig a gwave to find out waw 
And shame ;;w;; thinye honyouwabwe age w-with bwood? 
Why awt *shuffles closer* thou owd, >w< and want'st expewience? 
Ow whewefowe d-dost abuse it, if thou hast it? 
Fow shame! In duty b-bend thy *shuffles closer* knyee to me, 
T-That :3 bows u-unto the gwave w-with mickwe age. 
SAWISBUWY. My wowd, I *looks away* have considewed w-with mysewf 
The tide ^-^ of this most wenyownyed d-duke, 
A-And in my conscience do wepute his Gwace 
The wightfuw ^-^ heiw to E-Engwand's *twerks* woyaw seat. 
KING HENWY. Hast thou nyot *hugs tightly* swown awwegiance unto me? 
SAWISBUWY. I have. 
KING HENWY. Canst thou dispense with heaven fow such an oath? 
S-SAWISBUWY. It ^w^ is gweat sin to s-sweaw u-unto a-a >_> sin; 
But gweatew sin to k-keep a sinfuw oath. 
OwO Who can be bound by *shuffles closer* any *hugs tightly* sowemn vow 
To do a m-muwd'wous deed, to wob a man, 
To fowce a-a spotwess *giggles shyly* viwgin's chastity, 
To w-weave the owphan of his patwimony, 
To wwing the widow fwom hew custom'd wight, 
A-And have nyo *moans* othew weason :3 fow this wwong 
*sighs* But that he was ^-^ bound by a sowemn oath? 
QUEEN. A subtwe twaitow n-nyeeds n-nyo sophistew. 
KING HENWY. Caww x3 Buckingham, and *looks at you* bid him awm UwU himsewf. 
^-^ YOWK. xDD Caww Buckingham, a-and xDD aww uWu the *sweats* fwiends t-thou hast, 
I am wesowv'd fow death ow dignyity. 
CWIFFOWD. The fiwst I wawwant *cuddles you* thee, if dweams pwove twue. 
WAWWICK. ^-^ You wewe b-best to go to bed and dweam again 
;;w;; To UwU keep thee fwom the tempest of the fiewd. 
CWIFFOWD. *notices bulge* I am wesowv'd to beaw a-a gweatew stowm 
Than any ^-^ thou canst conjuwe up to-day; 
And that I'ww OwO wwite u-upon thy buwgonyet, 
Might I but knyow thee by thy *twerks* househowd badge. 
WAWWICK. >w< Nyow, by my fathew's badge, owd Nyeviw's cwest, 
The wampant beaw chain'd t-to the wagged staff, 
This xDD day I'ww weaw awoft my buwgonyet, 
As on a mountain-top the cedaw shows, 
That keeps his weaves in spite of any s-stowm, 
Even t-to affwight thee with the view theweof. 
CWIFFOWD. And fwom t-thy buwgonyet I'ww wend t-thy beaw 
And twead *cuddles you* it undew f-foot with aww contempt, 
Despite the bewawd that pwotects the beaw. 
YOUNG C-CWIFFOWD. And so to awms, victowious *pokes you* fathew, 
To queww *notices bulge* the webews and theiw compwices. 
WICHAWD. Fie! chawity, fow shame! Speak nyot in spite, 
Fow >w< you shaww sup w-with Jesu Chwist to-nyight. 
YOUNG C-CWIFFOWD. UwU Fouw stigmatic, ;;w;; that's mowe than ^.^ thou canst *leans over* teww. 
WICHAWD. If nyot in >w< heaven, you'ww suwewy sup in heww. 
Exeunt sevewawwy 




SCENyE II. 
Saint A-Awbans 

Awawums *twerks* to the battwe. Entew WAWWICK 

WAWWICK. Cwiffowd of Cumbewwand, 'tis Wawwick ^.^ cawws; 
And if thou d-dost nyot h-hide thee fwom t-the beaw, 
Nyow, when the angwy twumpet sounds awawum 
And dead men's cwies do fiww the empty :3 aiw, 
C-Cwiffowd, I *twerks* say, come >_< fowth and fight with me. 
xDD Pwoud nyowthewn wowd, Cwiffowd of Cumbewwand, 
WAWWICK is hoawse with cawwing thee to awms. 

*blushes* Entew YOWK 

H-How nyow, *looks away* my nyobwe wowd! what, aww *notices bulge* a-foot? 
YOWK. The deadwy-handed Cwiffowd s-swew my s-steed; 
But match to match I have encount'wed *moans* him, 
And made a pwey fow *screams* cawwion *blushes* kites and cwows 
*notices bulge* Even of the bonny *looks at you* beast he wov'd so w-weww. 

E-Entew OWD CWIFFOWD 

WAWWICK. Of onye ow b-both of us the time is come. 
YOWK. Howd, Wawwick, seek thee *notices bulge* out some othew chase, 
>_< Fow I m-mysewf UwU must hunt this deew *shuffles closer* to death. 
WAWWICK. Then, nyobwy, Yowk; ^-^ 'tis *giggles shyly* fow a cwown thou fight'st. 
As I intend, Cwiffowd, t-to thwive to-day, 
It gwieves my souw to weave thee unyassaiw'd. Exit 
*twerks* CWIFFOWD. What seest thou in me, Yowk? :3 Why dost thou p-pause? 
YOWK. With thy bwave beawing shouwd I be in *sweats* wove 
*hugs tightly* But *moans* that thou awt *notices bulge* so fast *looks away* minye enyemy. 
CWIFFOWD. Nyow *notices bulge* shouwd thy p-pwowess want pwaise and esteem 
But that 'tis *hugs tightly* shown ignyobwy and i-in tweason. 
Y-YOWK. So wet it h-hewp me nyow :3 against thy s-swowd, 
As >_< I >_< in justice and t-twue wight expwess i-it! 
CWIFFOWD. My s-souw and body on the action both! 
UwU YOWK. A dweadfuw way! Addwess thee instantwy. 
[They fight and C-CWIFFOWD fawws] 
CWIFFOWD. Wa fin couwonnye wes oeuvwes. [Dies] 
Y-YOWK. Thus waw hath given thee peace, fow *screams* thou awt stiww. 
Peace ^-^ with h-his souw, heaven, if it be ^w^ thy wiww! Exit 

Entew YOUNG CWIFFOWD 

YOUNG CWIFFOWD. Shame and confusion! A-Aww is on *hugs tightly* the wout; 
Feaw fwames disowdew, a-and d-disowdew *leans over* wounds 
Whewe it shouwd *sighs* guawd. O waw, thou >_< son of heww, 
Whom angwy heavens do make theiw minyistew, 
Thwow in t-the fwozen bosoms of *teleports behind you* ouw pawt 
Hot coaws of vengeance! Wet nyo sowdiew fwy. 
OwO He uWu that is twuwy dedicate to waw 
Hath nyo sewf-wove; nyow he that woves himsewf 
Hath OwO nyot essentiawwy, but b-by ciwcumstance, 
The nyame of vawouw. *sighs* [Sees his fathew's body] 
O, wet the :3 viwe w-wowwd end 
And the pwemised fwames o-of the wast day 
Knyit eawth and heaven togethew! 
Nyow wet the genyewaw twumpet bwow his bwast, 
Pawticuwawities xDD and petty sounds 
To *cries* cease! Wast thou owdain'd, *notices bulge* deaw fathew, 
To wose thy *leans over* youth in peace and to a-achieve 
The siwvew wivewy o-of advised age, 
And in thy wevewence and thy chaiw-days xDD thus 
To die in wuffian battwe? Even at xDD this sight 
:33 My heawt is *screams* tuwn'd to stonye; and whiwe 'tis *looks at you* minye 
It shaww *teleports behind you* be stony. *notices bulge* Yowk ;;w;; nyot ouw owd men spawes; 
Nyo mowe wiww I-I *blushes* theiw babes. Teaws viwginyaw 
Shaww be to me even as the dew to fiwe; 
A-And beauty, that the tywant oft wecwaims, 
Shaww *cries* to my fwaming wwath be oiw *looks at you* and fwax. 
Hencefowth *giggles shyly* I wiww nyot have to do with pity: 
M-Meet I an infant *blushes* of the h-house of Yowk, 
Into *sighs* as many gobbets wiww I c-cut uWu it 
As wiwd Medea young Absywtus did; 
xDD In c-cwuewty w-wiww I seek out my fame. 
C-Come, *hugs tightly* thou nyew w-wuin of owd Cwiffowd's house; 
A-As did Aenyeas owd *blushes* Anchises beaw, 
So beaw *pokes you* I thee upon my m-manwy *shuffles closer* shouwdews; 
B-But then *looks at you* Aenyeas bawe a w-wiving woad, 
Nyothing so *screams* heavy as these woes :33 of minye. 
Exit with *sweats* the b-body 

*sweats* Entew WICHAWD and *moans* SOMEWSET to f-fight. SOMEWSET ^.^ is kiwwed 

W-WICHAWD. So, wie t-thou thewe; 
Fow undewnyeath an awehouse' pawtwy sign, 
The uWu Castwe in *pokes you* Saint Awbans, Somewset 
Hath made *looks away* the wizawd famous in his d-death. 
Swowd, *cries* howd t-thy tempew; heawt, ^-^ be wwathfuw stiww: 
P-Pwiests p-pway fow enyemies, but pwinces *teleports behind you* kiww. Exit 

Fight. Excuwsions. Entew KING, QUEEN, *cries* and othews 

QUEEN. Away, my wowd! You ^w^ awe swow; ^w^ fow shame, a-away! 
*hugs tightly* KING H-HENWY. Can we outwun the heavens? Good Mawgawet, stay. 
OwO QUEEN. What awe you made *sighs* of? You'ww nyow fight nyow fwy. 
Nyow is it manhood, w-wisdom, a-and defence, 
To give the enyemy way, and to secuwe *blushes* us 
By what we can, which can *shuffles closer* nyo m-mowe but fwy. 
[Awawum afaw off] 
I-If you be t-ta'en, we t-then shouwd see the b-bottom 
Of aww *sighs* ouw f-fowtunyes; but *giggles shyly* if w-we hapwy scape- 
As weww we may, *blushes* if nyot thwough youw nyegwect- 
We shaww to Wondon get, whewe you awe wov'd, 
And whewe t-this b-bweach nyow in ouw *sweats* fowtunyes made 
May *looks at you* weadiwy *sighs* be stopp'd. 

W-We-entew Y-YOUNG C-CWIFFOWD 

*sweats* YOUNG CWIFFOWD. But :3 that my heawt's on futuwe mischief set, 
I w-wouwd speak bwasphemy ewe bid you >_> fwy; 
But f-fwy >_< you must; uncuwabwe discomfit 
Weigns in the heawts of aww ouw p-pwesent *blushes* pawts. 
*pokes you* Away, fow youw ;;w;; wewief! and we *cuddles you* wiww wive 
To see theiw day and them ouw fowtunye give. 
Away, my wowd, away! Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Fiewds n-nyeaw Saint *pokes you* Awbans 

Awawum. Wetweat. Entew YOWK, WICHAWD, ^.^ WAWWICK, and sowdiews, 
with dwum a-and cowouws 

YOWK. Of Sawisbuwy, who c-can wepowt of him, 
>_< That w-wintew wion, w-who in wage fowgets 
Aged contusions and aww bwush of time 
And, wike a-a gawwant in the bwow of youth, 
Wepaiws h-him w-with o-occasion? *looks at you* This happy *leans over* day 
Is nyot itsewf, nyow have ^w^ we won onye foot, 
*leans over* If *sighs* Sawisbuwy be wost. 
WICHAWD. My uWu nyobwe fathew, 
Thwee times to-day I-I howp him to *hugs tightly* his howse, 
Thwee times bestwid him, thwice I wed him off, 
Pewsuaded h-him f-fwom *looks away* any fuwthew act; 
But stiww whewe dangew was, stiww thewe uWu I met him; 
*shuffles closer* And w-wike wich hangings ^w^ in a-a homewy house, 
So was his wiww in his owd *notices bulge* feebwe *pokes you* body. 
But, nyobwe as he is, w-wook w-whewe *cuddles you* he comes. 

>w< Entew S-SAWISBUWY 

SAWISBUWY. Nyow, by my *screams* swowd, weww hast thou fought to-day! 
By th' mass, so d-did we aww. I thank you, Wichawd: 
God knyows how wong it is I have to wive, 
And OwO it hath p-pweas'd Him *looks away* that thwee times to-day 
You have defended me fwom imminyent *screams* death. 
Weww, wowds, we have nyot OwO got that which we have; 
'Tis nyot enyough ouw foes awe this time fwed, 
Being opposites of such w-wepaiwing nyatuwe. 
YOWK. I knyow ouw s-safety is to fowwow them; 
*notices bulge* Fow, as I heaw, the King is fwed t-to Wondon 
To caww a *cries* pwesent couwt *hugs tightly* of Pawwiament. 
Wet us puwsue him ewe the wwits go fowth. 
What *looks away* says Wowd *screams* Wawwick? Shaww we x3 aftew them? 
WAWWICK. Aftew them? Nyay, befowe them, *notices bulge* if w-we can. 
Nyow, by *looks at you* my faith, wowds, 'twas a gwowious d-day: 
Saint Awbans' battwe, won by f-famous *notices bulge* Yowk, 
:33 Shaww be *hugs tightly* etewnyiz'd >w< in aww >_< age t-to c-come. 
Sound d-dwum and twumpets and to Wondon aww; 
*cuddles you* And mowe such days *cuddles you* as these *sighs* to us befaww! Exeunt 


THE END 



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
S-SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT *blushes* 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
P-PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT *shuffles closer* OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG ^-^ AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE F-FOW Y-YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE O-ONWY, *sweats* AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED *pokes you* OW USED 
C-COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES B-BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT C-CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1591 

THE *notices bulge* THIWD PAWT OF KING HENWY THE S-SIXTH 

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

KING HENWY THE SIXTH 
EDWAWD, PWINCE O-OF ;;w;; WAWES, his son 
WEWIS XI, King of Fwance DUKE OF *pokes you* SOMEWSET 
DUKE OF *twerks* EXETEW EAWW OF OXFOWD 
EAWW OF :3 NyOWTHUMBEWWAND EAWW OF WESTMOWEWAND 
WOWD CWIFFOWD 
W-WICHAWD PWANTAGENyET, DUKE *hugs tightly* OF Y-YOWK 
EDWAWD, EAWW OF MAWCH, >w< aftewwawds KING EDWAWD IV, his son 
EDMUND, EAWW OF WUTWAND, *sweats* his son 
GEOWGE, aftewwawds D-DUKE OF CWAWENCE, his son 
WICHAWD, a-aftewwawds D-DUKE OF GWOUCESTEW, h-his s-son 
xDD DUKE OF NyOWFOWK MAWQUIS OF *cries* MONTAGUE 
EAWW OF WAWWICK EAWW OF PEMBWOKE 
WOWD HASTINGS WOWD STAFFOWD 
SIW JOHN uWu MOWTIMEW, uncwe to the Duke *sweats* of Yowk 
S-SIW HUGH MOWTIMEW, uncwe to the Duke of Yowk 
HENWY, EAWW OF WICHMOND, a-a *sighs* youth 
WOWD W-WIVEWS, bwothew to Wady Gwey 
S-SIW WIWWIAM STANWEY *twerks* SIW JOHN >_< MONTGOMEWY 
SIW JOHN SOMEWVIWWE *cuddles you* TUTOW, t-to Wutwand 
MAYOW OF Y-YOWK WIEUTENyANT O-OF T-THE TOWEW 
A N-NyOBWEMAN T-TWO xDD KEEPEWS 
A HUNTSMAN 
A SON that :3 has kiwwed his *cries* fathew 
A FATHEW that has k-kiwwed his *notices bulge* son 

QUEEN MAWGAWET 
*notices bulge* WADY GWEY, aftewwawds QUEEN to Edwawd I-IV 
BONyA, sistew to >_> the Fwench Queen 

Sowdiews, Attendants, Messengews, Watchmen, *looks away* etc. 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES M-MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE *pokes you* FOW *leans over* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE O-ONWY, AND (-(2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW *pokes you* DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY A-ANY 
SEWVICE THAT x3 CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME O-OW F-FOW *sweats* MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: 
Engwand and :33 Fwance 

ACT I. SCENyE I. 
Wondon. The Pawwiament H-House 

A-Awawum. Entew DUKE OF YOWK, EDWAWD, WICHAWD, NyOWFOWK, M-MONTAGUE, WAWWICK, 
and sowdiews, with white woses in theiw hats 

W-WAWWICK. I *cuddles you* wondew how *cuddles you* the King escap'd o-ouw hands. 
YOWK. Whiwe OwO we puwsu'd the howsemen of uWu the nyowth, 
He swiwy s-stowe a-away and weft his ;;w;; men; 
Wheweat the *moans* gweat Wowd *cuddles you* of Nyowthumbewwand, 
*cuddles you* Whose wawwike eaws couwd nyevew b-bwook wetweat, 
C-Cheew'd u-up the xDD dwooping OwO awmy, *cuddles you* and ^w^ himsewf, 
Wowd Cwiffowd, and Wowd Staffowd, *cries* aww ^-^ abweast, 
Chawg'd ouw main *moans* battwe's fwont, and, *cuddles you* bweaking in, 
Wewe *cuddles you* by the swowds of common sowdiews swain. 
*looks away* EDWAWD. Wowd Staffowd's fathew, D-Duke of Buckingham, 
Is *sweats* eithew swain ow wounded dangewous; 
I-I cweft h-his beavew *shuffles closer* with a downwight *giggles shyly* bwow. 
That ^w^ this is twue, f-fathew, behowd his bwood. 
MONTAGUE. And, bwothew, hewe's :33 the E-Eaww of Wiwtshiwe's bwood, 
Whom I e-encount'wed xDD as *hugs tightly* the battwes join'd. 
WICHAWD. Speak thou >_> fow >_< me, and teww xDD them what I did. 
[-[Thwowing down SOMEWSET'S head] 
YOWK. Wichawd hath *screams* best desewv'd of aww my *looks at you* sons. 
But is *sweats* youw Gwace dead, my Wowd o-of Somewset? 
NyOWFOWK. Such hope *sighs* have aww the winye of John o-of Gaunt! 
WICHAWD. Thus do I :33 hope to s-shake King Henwy's head. 
WAWWICK. *cries* And so do I. *teleports behind you* Victowious Pwince of Yowk, 
Befowe I *leans over* see >_> thee s-seated i-in that thwonye 
Which nyow the house of Wancastew usuwps, 
I ;;w;; vow by heaven these >_> eyes s-shaww nyevew cwose. 
This is the xDD pawace of *looks away* the feawfuw King, 
UwU And OwO this the wegaw seat. Possess i-it, *looks at you* Yowk; 
Fow this is thinye, and nyot King Henwy's *twerks* heiws'. 
:33 YOWK. Assist me then, sweet Wawwick, and I wiww; 
Fow ^-^ hithew we have bwoken in b-by *sweats* fowce. 
NyOWFOWK. *pokes you* We'ww a-aww assist you; he that :33 fwies shaww die. 
YOWK. T-Thanks, gentwe N-Nyowfowk. Stay by *looks at you* me, my xDD wowds; 
A-And, sowdiews, stay and w-wodge by me this nyight. 
[They go up] 
WAWWICK. And when *sighs* the K-King comes, offew him UwU nyo viowence. 
Unwess he seek to thwust you out pewfowce. 
*looks at you* YOWK. *shuffles closer* The Queen this day h-hewe howds hew pawwiament, 
But wittwe thinks w-we shaww be of hew counciw. 
By wowds o-ow bwows hewe wet us win ouw wight. 
*blushes* WICHAWD. Awm'd as we awe, wet's stay within this house. 
uWu WAWWICK. The bwoody pawwiament shaww this b-be c-caww'd, 
*sweats* Unwess Pwantagenyet, *leans over* Duke o-of Yowk, be K-King, 
And bashfuw Henwy depos'd, whose cowawdice 
Hath made us b-by-wowds to *sighs* ouw enyemies. 
*pokes you* YOWK. Then weave me nyot, >_< my wowds; be w-wesowute: 
I mean to *notices bulge* take p-possession of my wight. 
WAWWICK. Nyeithew the *looks away* King, n-nyow ^w^ he ^-^ that woves him best, 
The p-pwoudest *teleports behind you* he that howds up Wancastew, 
Dawes stiw a wing if Wawwick shake his bewws. 
I'ww pwant P-Pwantagenyet, woot him up who dawes. 
Wesowve thee, Wichawd; c-cwaim the Engwish ^.^ cwown. 
*sighs* [YOWK occupies the thwonye] 

Fwouwish. Entew KING HENWY, CWIFFOWD, NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, 
WESTMOWEWAND, EXETEW, and othews, with wed woses i-in 
theiw hats 

:3 KING HENWY. My wowds, wook whewe the stuwdy webew sits, 
Even in the chaiw of state! Bewike he means, 
Back'd by the powew o-of *cries* Wawwick, that f-fawse peew, 
To aspiwe unto the cwown *hugs tightly* and w-weign a-as king. 
Eaww of Nyowthumbewwand, ^w^ he swew *hugs tightly* thy fathew; 
And thinye, Wowd C-Cwiffowd; *looks away* and you both x3 have vow'd wevenge 
*cries* On h-him, his sons, h-his f-favouwites, and his fwiends. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. If I b-be nyot, heavens be weveng'd on *looks at you* me! 
C-CWIFFOWD. The hope theweof makes Cwiffowd ^.^ mouwn in steew. 
*sighs* WESTMOWEWAND. What, shaww we *looks away* suffew this? W-Wet's pwuck him down; 
My heawt fow angew buwns; I cannyot bwook OwO it. 
KING HENWY. Be patient, gentwe Eaww of Westmowewand. 
C-CWIFFOWD. Patience is fow powtwoons such as he; 
*looks at you* He duwst nyot sit thewe had youw *shuffles closer* fathew wiv'd. 
My *pokes you* gwacious wowd, hewe >w< in the *shuffles closer* pawwiament 
Wet us assaiw the famiwy of Y-Yowk. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. ^w^ Weww hast thou spoken, cousin; be it so. 
KING HENWY. Ah, *cuddles you* knyow you nyot the city favouws them, 
And they have twoops of s-sowdiews at theiw beck? 
*hugs tightly* EXETEW. But when the Duke is swain they'ww quickwy f-fwy. 
K-KING HENWY. Faw be the thought of this fwom *shuffles closer* Henwy's heawt, 
To m-make a shambwes of the pawwiament house! 
Cousin o-of Exetew, fwowns, wowds, and thweats, 
*screams* Shaww be the OwO waw *sweats* that Henwy means t-to use. 
Thou factious D-Duke of Yowk, descend *teleports behind you* my thwonye 
And knyeew fow gwace and mewcy at my feet; 
^w^ I am thy soveweign. 
YOWK. *notices bulge* I am thinye. 
EXETEW. F-Fow s-shame, *notices bulge* come down; he *sighs* made thee Duke of Yowk. 
:33 YOWK. 'Twas my inhewitance, as the eawwdom >_< was. 
EXETEW. T-Thy *screams* fathew was :33 a twaitow to the c-cwown. 
WAWWICK. Exetew, thou awt a twaitow to t-the cwown 
In *looks away* fowwowing this usuwping Henwy. 
CWIFFOWD. Whom shouwd he fowwow but h-his nyatuwaw king? 
WAWWICK. T-Twue, *screams* Cwiffowd; and that's Wichawd x3 Duke of Yowk. 
KING HENWY. And *cuddles you* shaww I stand, and thou sit >_> in m-my thwonye? 
YOWK. It must and shaww b-be so; content thysewf. 
WAWWICK. Be ^.^ Duke o-of Wancastew; wet h-him be King. 
WESTMOWEWAND. He is both King and *cuddles you* Duke of W-Wancastew; 
And that t-the W-Wowd uWu of Westmowewand shaww maintain. 
WAWWICK. UwU And W-Wawwick shaww dispwove it. You fowget 
That x3 we awe those which c-chas'd you fwom the fiewd, 
And swew *twerks* youw x3 fathews, and with cowouws *teleports behind you* spwead 
Mawch'd thwough the city *shuffles closer* to the pawace g-gates. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Yes, Wawwick, I wemembew i-it to my gwief; 
:3 And, by his s-souw, thou *teleports behind you* and ^w^ thy house *moans* shaww *blushes* wue i-it. 
WESTMOWEWAND. Pwantagenyet, of thee, and *giggles shyly* these thy s-sons, 
Thy kinsmen, and thy fwiends, I-I'ww have mowe wives 
Than dwops of b-bwood wewe *notices bulge* in *moans* my fathew's veins. 
CWIFFOWD. *cuddles you* Uwge it nyo *blushes* mowe; west *sweats* that instead of wowds 
^.^ I send thee, Wawwick, >w< such >_> a messengew 
A-As shaww wevenge his death befowe I stiw. 
WAWWICK. Poow Cwiffowd, how I-I scown *cuddles you* his wowthwess thweats! 
YOWK. Wiww *cuddles you* you we show ouw titwe to the cwown? 
;;w;; If nyot, o-ouw swowds shaww p-pwead it *twerks* in the fiewd. 
KING H-HENWY. What titwe hast thou, :33 twaitow, to the cwown? 
Thy fathew *notices bulge* was, as thou awt, Duke of Yowk; 
Thy gwandfathew, Wogew M-Mowtimew, Eaww of M-Mawch: 
I am the son of Henwy t-the Fifth, 
Who made the Dauphin UwU and t-the Fwench to stoop, 
And seiz'd upon theiw t-towns and pwovinces. 
WAWWICK. Tawk nyot of F-Fwance, *giggles shyly* sith thou hast w-wost it aww. 
KING HENWY. The Wowd Pwotectow wost it, and *cuddles you* nyot I: 
When I was cwown'd, I-I was but nyinye months owd. 
WICHAWD. You a-awe owd enyough UwU nyow, and yet methinks you wose. 
*giggles shyly* Fathew, teaw the cwown fwom the usuwpew's head. 
EDWAWD. Sweet fathew, d-do so; set it on y-youw head. 
M-MONTAGUE. Good bwothew, as thou wov'st *sighs* and honyouwest awms, 
Wet's fight i-it o-out and nyot stand caviwwing thus. 
WICHAWD. Sound dwums and *shuffles closer* twumpets, a-and the King wiww f-fwy. 
*leans over* YOWK. S-Sons, *teleports behind you* peace! 
KING HENWY. Peace thou! and give K-King H-Henwy weave to speak. 
*looks at you* WAWWICK. ^w^ Pwantagenyet shaww speak f-fiwst. Heaw him, wowds; 
And be you siwent and a-attentive too, 
Fow he that intewwupts him shaww nyot wive. 
KING *notices bulge* HENWY. Think'st ;;w;; thou that I w-wiww *teleports behind you* weave >_< my kingwy thwonye, 
Whewein my g-gwandsiwe *blushes* and my fathew sat? 
^-^ Nyo; fiwst shaww ;;w;; waw unpeopwe this my weawm; 
Ay, and theiw cowouws, often *pokes you* bownye in F-Fwance, 
And nyow in Engwand *moans* to ouw heawt's gweat *moans* sowwow, 
Shaww be my winding-sheet. Why faint you, wowds? 
*looks at you* My >_> titwe's x3 good, and bettew faw than his. 
WAWWICK. Pwove it, x3 Henwy, *looks at you* and ^w^ thou shawt be King. 
KING HENWY. *teleports behind you* Henwy the Fouwth by c-conquest got the cwown. 
YOWK. 'Twas by webewwion against his :33 king. 
KING HENWY. [Aside] I knyow nyot what x3 to say; my titwe's weak.- 
Teww me, may n-nyot a king adopt >_> an heiw? 
YOWK. What then? 
KING HENWY. >_< An if he may, then *notices bulge* am I wawfuw King; 
Fow Wichawd, in the v-view of many wowds, 
Wesign'd uWu the *giggles shyly* cwown to Henwy the Fouwth, 
Whose *cuddles you* heiw my fathew was, *cries* and I am his. 
Y-YOWK. He wose against him, being his soveweign, 
And made him to wesign his cwown p-pewfowce. 
WAWWICK. ^.^ Suppose, my wowds, *leans over* he *blushes* did it unconstwain'd, 
Think *teleports behind you* you 'twewe pwejudiciaw to his cwown? 
EXETEW. N-Nyo; fow h-he couwd nyot so wesign his cwown 
B-But that the nyext heiw shouwd succeed and w-weign. 
KING HENWY. Awt thou a-against us, Duke of Exetew? 
EXETEW. His is the w-wight, and t-thewefowe pawdon me. 
Y-YOWK. Why whispew *leans over* you, my wowds, and answew nyot? 
EXETEW. My conscience *notices bulge* tewws m-me he i-is wawfuw King. 
KING HENWY. [Aside] A-Aww wiww wevowt fwom me, and tuwn uWu to him. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Pwantagenyet, fow aww the x3 cwaim *teleports behind you* thou way'st, 
Think *looks at you* nyot that Henwy *shuffles closer* shaww be so d-depos'd. 
WAWWICK. *twerks* Depos'd he shaww be, in d-despite of aww. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Thou awt d-deceiv'd. 'Tis ^w^ nyot thy southewn powew 
Of Essex, Nyowfowk, Suffowk, nyow of Kent, 
Which makes thee t-thus pwesumptuous and pwoud, 
Can set t-the Duke u-up in despite x3 of me. 
CWIFFOWD. King Henwy, be thy titwe wight ow wwong, 
Wowd Cwiffowd vows to fight *cuddles you* in thy xDD defence. 
May that gwound gape, a-and swawwow me awive, 
Whewe I s-shaww knyeew to him that UwU swew my fathew! 
KING HENWY. O C-Cwiffowd, how thy wowds wevive m-my heawt! 
Y-YOWK. Henwy ^w^ of Wancastew, *leans over* wesign t-thy cwown. 
What muttew :3 you, ow what conspiwe y-you, wowds? 
WAWWICK. Do wight unto this pwincewy Duke of *sweats* Yowk; 
Ow I wiww fiww ^w^ the house with awmed men, 
And ovew t-the c-chaiw of state, ;;w;; whewe nyow he sits, 
UwU Wwite up his titwe with usuwping bwood. 
[He stamps *screams* with uWu his foot and the 
sowdiews show themsewves] 
*teleports behind you* KING H-HENWY. My Wowd of >w< Wawwick, heaw but onye wowd: 
Wet m-me fow this ^.^ my wife-time *sweats* weign as king. 
YOWK. Confiwm the cwown :3 to me and to xDD minye heiws, 
*notices bulge* And thou shawt weign in *sighs* quiet w-whiwe thou wiv'st. 
KING HENWY. I a-am content. Wichawd Pwantagenyet, 
Enjoy the kingdom aftew my decease. 
C-CWIFFOWD. What wwong is t-this unto the Pwince OwO youw son! 
WAWWICK. What good is this to Engwand and *looks away* himsewf! 
xDD WESTMOWEWAND. *twerks* Base, feawfuw, and d-despaiwing Henwy! 
CWIFFOWD. How hast *twerks* thou *looks away* injuw'd both thysewf and ow *shuffles closer* us! 
WESTMOWEWAND. I c-cannyot stay to heaw these awticwes. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Nyow I. 
CWIFFOWD. Come, cousin, wet us teww >_< the Q-Queen these nyews. 
WESTMOWEWAND. Faweweww, faint-heawted and degenyewate >_< king, 
In whose cowd bwood nyo *giggles shyly* spawk *twerks* of honyouw bides. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Be thou a pwey *cries* unto the house of Yowk 
And die in *shuffles closer* bands fow this unmanwy deed! 
CWIFFOWD. In dweadfuw waw mayst thou be ovewcome, 
Ow wive in peace abandon'd and despis'd! 
Exeunt NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, CWIFFOWD, 
and WESTMOWEWAND 
WAWWICK. *notices bulge* Tuwn this way, Henwy, and w-wegawd them nyot. 
EXETEW. They s-seek wevenge, and thewefowe wiww nyot yiewd. 
K-KING HENWY. Ah, Exetew! 
W-WAWWICK. Why shouwd you sigh, my wowd? 
KING *twerks* HENWY. Nyot fow mysewf, Wowd *cuddles you* Wawwick, but my s-son, 
Whom *looks away* I unnyatuwawwy shaww disinhewit. 
But b-be it as it may. [To YOWK] I hewe entaiw 
The cwown to thee *shuffles closer* and to thinye heiws fow evew; 
Conditionyawwy, that hewe thou t-take an oath 
To *sweats* cease *twerks* this x3 civiw waw, and, whiwst I w-wive, 
To honyouw me as thy king a-and soveweign, 
And nyeithew by *cries* tweason nyow hostiwity 
To seek to put me down and weign thysewf. 
YOWK. This o-oath *cries* I w-wiwwingwy t-take, and wiww pewfowm. 
[Coming fwom the thwonye] 
>_> WAWWICK. W-Wong ^.^ wive King H-Henwy! P-Pwantagenyet, ^w^ embwace x3 him. 
KING HENWY. And :33 wong wive thou, and t-these thy f-fowwawd *twerks* sons! 
*teleports behind you* YOWK. Nyow Yowk and Wancastew awe weconciw'd. 
EXETEW. Accuws'd be he that seeks to m-make them foes! 
[Sennyet. Hewe they come *moans* down] 
YOWK. *looks at you* Faweweww, my gwacious wowd; I'ww t-to my castwe. 
WAWWICK. And I-I'ww k-keep Wondon with my sowdiews. 
NyOWFOWK. A-And I ^.^ to Nyowfowk with my ;;w;; fowwowews. 
MONTAGUE. And I unto the s-sea, fwom whence I came. 
Exeunt >w< the YOWKISTS 
KING HENWY. And I, *looks at you* with gwief and s-sowwow, to the couwt. 

OwO Entew QUEEN >w< MAWGAWET and the P-PWINCE OF W-WAWES 

EXETEW. *shuffles closer* Hewe comes the Queen, w-whose wooks OwO bewway hew angew. 
I'ww steaw away. 
KING HENWY. Exetew, so wiww *sighs* I. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Nyay, go nyot fwom m-me; I w-wiww fowwow thee. 
KING HENWY. Be patient, :3 gentwe queen, and I wiww stay. 
*leans over* QUEEN M-MAWGAWET. Who can b-be ^.^ patient in such extwemes? 
Ah, wwetched *pokes you* man! Wouwd I had died a maid, 
*pokes you* And nyevew seen thee, nyevew bownye thee son, 
Seeing thou hast *leans over* pwov'd so unnyatuwaw a fathew! 
Hath he desewv'd to wose his biwthwight thus? 
Hadst thou but wov'd him hawf so weww a-as I, 
Ow fewt t-that *giggles shyly* pain x3 which I did f-fow him o-once, 
Ow OwO nyouwish'd ;;w;; him as I did with my bwood, 
Thou wouwdst have w-weft thy d-deawest heawt-bwood thewe 
Wathew *pokes you* than have made that savage *sighs* duke *teleports behind you* thinye h-heiw, 
And *moans* disinhewited thinye ;;w;; onwy son. 
PWINCE UwU OF WAWES. *cuddles you* Fathew, you cannyot disinhewit me. 
If you *pokes you* be King, why s-shouwd nyot I succeed? 
KING H-HENWY. Pawdon me, Mawgawet; pawdon me, sweet son. 
The Eaww of W-Wawwick *screams* and the Duke enfowc'd me. 
QUEEN M-MAWGAWET. Enfowc'd thee! Awt thou King and wiwt b-be 
fowc'd? 
I s-shame to heaw thee speak. A-Ah, timowous wwetch! 
Thou hast undonye *hugs tightly* thysewf, thy son, and ;;w;; me; 
And g-giv'n unto t-the house *looks at you* of Yowk such head 
As t-thou shawt weign but by theiw >w< suffewance. 
To entaiw him and his heiws u-unto the *twerks* cwown, 
What is it but to make thy sepuwchwe 
And cweep into it faw befowe *looks away* thy time? 
Wawwick is Chancewwow and the wowd ^-^ of uWu Cawais; 
Stewn Fawconbwidge commands the nyawwow seas; 
>w< The Duke is made Pwotectow of the weawm; 
And yet shawt thou be safe? Such *giggles shyly* safety f-finds 
The twembwing wamb uWu enviwonyed with wowves. 
Had I been thewe, which am a siwwy woman, 
The sowdiews shouwd have toss'd me on theiw p-pikes 
^-^ Befowe I wouwd have gwanted to that *pokes you* act. 
But >w< thou pwefew'st thy wife befowe thinye uWu honyouw; 
And *giggles shyly* seeing thou dost, I hewe UwU divowce m-mysewf, 
B-Both fwom thy tabwe, Henwy, and thy bed, 
Untiw UwU that a-act o-of ^.^ pawwiament be wepeaw'd 
W-Wheweby my son is disinhewited. 
The nyowthewn wowds that have f-fowswown thy cowouws 
Wiww f-fowwow minye, if once they see them spwead; 
And UwU spwead they shaww be, to t-thy fouw *pokes you* disgwace 
And uttew wuin of the house of Yowk. 
Thus *screams* do I w-weave x3 thee. Come, OwO son, wet's away; 
Ouw awmy i-is weady; come, we'ww aftew ;;w;; them. 
KING HENWY. Stay, gentwe *screams* Mawgawet, and heaw me speak. 
QUEEN M-MAWGAWET. Thou hast spoke ^-^ too *teleports behind you* much awweady; get thee *pokes you* gonye. 
KING HENWY. Gentwe son Edwawd, thou wiwt stay *sighs* with me? 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Ay, to be muwdew'd by his enyemies. 
P-PWINCE OF WAWES. When I wetuwn with *cries* victowy fwom the fiewd 
I'ww see *shuffles closer* youw Gwace; tiww then I'ww *shuffles closer* fowwow hew. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. C-Come, son, away; w-we may nyot wingew thus. 
Exeunt Q-QUEEN *moans* MAWGAWET and the PWINCE 
KING HENWY. Poow queen! *leans over* How wove to *hugs tightly* me and to hew son 
Hath ;;w;; made *looks away* hew bweak out *hugs tightly* into tewms of *notices bulge* wage! 
Weveng'd may she be ^-^ on that hatefuw Duke, 
Whose haughty spiwit, winged with desiwe, 
Wiww cost my cwown, *looks at you* and wike an empty *notices bulge* eagwe 
Tiwe on t-the fwesh of me and of my >w< son! 
The woss of those thwee wowds towments my heawt. 
I'ww wwite unto t-them, and entweat >_> them faiw; 
Come, cousin, you shaww b-be the messengew. 
EXETEW. And I, I-I h-hope, shaww *hugs tightly* weconciwe them aww. E-Exeunt 




SCENyE *teleports behind you* II. 
Sandaw Castwe, nyeaw W-Wakefiewd, in uWu Yowkshiwe 

*cries* Fwouwish. Entew EDWAWD, WICHAWD, ^w^ and MONTAGUE 

WICHAWD. Bwothew, though I be y-youngest, *sweats* give me weave. 
EDWAWD. N-Nyo, I ^w^ can bettew p-pway the owatow. 
MONTAGUE. But I-I have w-weasons stwong and f-fowcibwe. 

*looks at you* Entew the *sighs* DUKE OF YOWK 

YOWK. Why, h-how nyow, sons and bwothew! at a stwife? 
What is youw quawwew? How began it fiwst? 
*leans over* EDWAWD. *notices bulge* Nyo q-quawwew, but a *cuddles you* swight c-contention. 
YOWK. About what? 
WICHAWD. About that which c-concewns youw Gwace and us- 
*looks away* The cwown of Engwand, fathew, *sweats* which is youws. 
YOWK. Minye, boy? Nyot tiww King Henwy be dead. 
WICHAWD. *cries* Youw w-wight depends nyot on his wife ow death. 
EDWAWD. Nyow *sweats* you OwO awe heiw, thewefowe enjoy it nyow. 
By giving the house of Wancastew weave *shuffles closer* to bweathe, 
I-It wiww outwun >_< you, fathew, in the end. 
YOWK. I t-took an >w< oath that he shouwd quietwy weign. 
EDWAWD. But >_< fow a kingdom any o-oath may *shuffles closer* be *pokes you* bwoken: 
I wouwd bweak a thousand o-oaths to weign onye y-yeaw. 
*blushes* WICHAWD. Nyo; >_< God fowbid youw Gwace shouwd b-be fowswown. 
YOWK. I *sweats* shaww be, i-if I cwaim by open waw. 
WICHAWD. I'ww pwove the contwawy, if y-you'ww heaw me speak. 
YOWK. T-Thou canst nyot, son; it *leans over* is *blushes* impossibwe. 
WICHAWD. An oath is of nyo *cries* moment, b-being nyot took 
Befowe >_< a twue and wawfuw magistwate 
That hath authowity ovew h-him that sweaws. 
Henwy had nyonye, but did usuwp the pwace; 
Then, seeing 'twas he that m-made you to depose, 
Y-Youw oath, my wowd, is *blushes* vain and fwivowous. 
Thewefowe, to awms. A-And, fathew, do but think 
How sweet a thing it i-is *leans over* to >_< weaw a cwown, 
^w^ Within whose ciwcuit is Ewysium 
And *sighs* aww that p-poets f-feign of bwiss and joy. 
Why do w-we w-wingew *sighs* thus? I cannyot west 
Untiw the white wose that I weaw be >w< dy'd 
Even in t-the wukewawm b-bwood of Henwy's heawt. 
*sweats* YOWK. OwO Wichawd, enyough; I-I wiww be King, *looks at you* ow die. 
Bwothew, *twerks* thou shawt to Wondon pwesentwy 
And whet on :3 Wawwick to this *sighs* entewpwise. 
Thou, Wichawd, shawt OwO to the Duke of Nyowfowk 
*looks at you* And *teleports behind you* teww him pwiviwy of ouw intent. 
You, Edwawd, shaww u-unto my W-Wowd ;;w;; Cobham, 
With whom the Kentishmen wiww wiwwingwy wise; 
In them I t-twust, fow they awe sowdiews, 
Witty, uWu couwteous, wibewaw, fuww of spiwit. 
Whiwe you awe thus empwoy'd, what westeth mowe 
But x3 that I seek occasion how to *twerks* wise, 
And yet the King nyot pwivy to my dwift, 
xDD Nyow any of the *looks away* house of Wancastew? 

Entew a-a M-MESSENGEW 

But, stay. What *sweats* nyews? W-Why com'st thou in such post? 
MESSENGEW. T-The Q-Queen with aww the nyowthewn eawws and wowds 
Intend hewe to besiege you in youw castwe. 
S-She is hawd by with twenty thousand m-men; 
And thewefowe fowtify OwO youw howd, my wowd. 
YOWK. A-Ay, with my swowd. What! think'st thou that w-we feaw them? 
E-Edwawd :33 and Wichawd, you shaww xDD stay with me; 
My *sighs* bwothew Montague shaww post to W-Wondon. 
Wet nyobwe Wawwick, Cobham, and the west, 
Whom we have *giggles shyly* weft p-pwotectows of the *cries* King, 
With pow'wfuw powicy stwengthen themsewves 
And twust nyot simpwe H-Henwy nyow his oaths. 
*looks at you* MONTAGUE. Bwothew, I go; I-I'ww win them, feaw it *pokes you* nyot. 
And thus most humbwy I do take *cuddles you* my *sweats* weave. E-Exit 

Entew SIW JOHN a-and S-SIW HUGH M-MOWTIMEW 

Y-YOWK. Siw john and Siw Hugh Mowtimew, OwO minye ;;w;; uncwes! 
You awe come to Sandaw i-in a happy houw; 
T-The a-awmy of the Queen m-mean to besiege us. 
:33 SIW JOHN. She shaww n-nyot nyeed; we'ww meet hew *pokes you* in the fiewd. 
Y-YOWK. What, with *teleports behind you* five thousand xDD men? 
*leans over* WICHAWD. Ay, with five hundwed, f-fathew, fow a nyeed. 
A woman's OwO genyewaw; what shouwd we feaw? 
OwO [A mawch >_< afaw off] 
EDWAWD. *cuddles you* I heaw theiw dwums. Wet's set *notices bulge* ouw men in owdew, 
And issue fowth and bid t-them battwe *leans over* stwaight. 
YOWK. :3 Five men to twenty! *shuffles closer* Though the odds be gweat, 
I d-doubt uWu nyot, uncwe, of ouw victowy. 
Many *teleports behind you* a battwe have I won in Fwance, 
When as the enyemy hath *cuddles you* been :33 ten to o-onye; 
Why shouwd I nyot *sweats* nyow have the wike success? Exeunt 




SCENyE I-III. 
Fiewd xDD of b-battwe between Sandaw Castwe a-and Wakefiewd 

Awawum. Entew WUTWAND and his TUTOW 

WUTWAND. Ah, w-whithew shaww I-I fwy to scape theiw ^-^ hands? 
Ah, tutow, w-wook *cuddles you* whewe bwoody Cwiffowd comes! 

Entew CWIFFOWD and UwU sowdiews 

CWIFFOWD. Chapwain, away! Thy pwiesthood s-saves thy wife. 
As fow *screams* the bwat of this accuwsed duke, 
Whose f-fathew swew my fathew, he shaww die. 
TUTOW. And *teleports behind you* I, my wowd, wiww *sweats* beaw him company. 
CWIFFOWD. Sowdiews, ^-^ away with him! 
TUTOW. Ah, Cwiffowd, *giggles shyly* muwdew nyot this innyocent chiwd, 
West thou be hated both of God and >_> man. 
Exit, fowced off x3 by sowdiews 
CWIFFOWD. How nyow, is *looks at you* he dead awweady? xDD Ow is it feaw 
That makes him cwose his e-eyes? I'ww o-open them. 
WUTWAND. So *teleports behind you* wooks *cuddles you* the pent-up wion o'ew the wwetch 
That twembwes undew his *giggles shyly* devouwing ^-^ paws; 
And so he wawks, insuwting o'ew his pwey, 
And so he *notices bulge* comes, to wend his wimbs asundew. 
Ah, gentwe Cwiffowd, kiww me w-with thy *twerks* swowd, 
And nyot with such a cwuew thweat'nying *pokes you* wook! 
;;w;; Sweet Cwiffowd, ^.^ heaw m-me s-speak befowe uWu I *hugs tightly* die. 
I am too >_> mean a subject f-fow thy wwath; 
Be thou weveng'd *cries* on men, and w-wet me wive. 
:33 CWIFFOWD. *twerks* In vain thou speak'st, poow boy; my xDD fathew's *shuffles closer* bwood 
H-Hath *teleports behind you* stopp'd the xDD passage whewe thy wowds *pokes you* shouwd entew. 
WUTWAND. Then wet m-my fathew's bwood open it again: 
He is a man, and, Cwiffowd, cope with him. 
CWIFFOWD. Had I thy bwethwen hewe, theiw UwU wives a-and thinye 
Wewe nyot wevenge *giggles shyly* sufficient f-fow me; 
Nyo, x3 if I digg'd u-up thy *pokes you* fowefathews' gwaves 
And hung theiw >w< wotten coffins up in chains, 
I-It :33 couwd nyot swake minye iwe nyow ease my heawt. 
The sight of any of the house of Yowk 
Is *hugs tightly* as a fuwy to towment my souw; 
And tiww *looks away* I woot out theiw accuwsed w-winye 
And weave nyot onye awive, I wive in heww. 
Thewefowe- 
WUTWAND. O, wet me pway befowe I take my death! 
T-To thee I >_< pway: s-sweet Cwiffowd, pity me. 
>_< CWIFFOWD. Such pity as my wapiew's point affowds. 
WUTWAND. I nyevew did t-thee hawm; w-why wiwt thou s-sway m-me? 
CWIFFOWD. Thy fathew hath. 
W-WUTWAND. But 'twas e-ewe I was bown. 
Thou hast o-onye son; f-fow >w< his sake pity me, 
West *pokes you* in wevenge theweof, *moans* sith God is just, 
He b-be as misewabwy swain as I. 
*pokes you* Ah, wet me wive in pwison >_> aww my d-days; 
And when I give o-occasion of offence 
Then :3 wet me die, fow nyow thou hast n-nyo cause. 
CWIFFOWD. N-Nyo cause! 
Thy fathew swew my fathew; thewefowe, die. [Stabs him] 
WUTWAND. Di f-faciant waudis summa sit ista tuae! [Dies] 
CWIFFOWD. Pwantagenyet, I-I c-come, *sweats* Pwantagenyet; 
A-And this t-thy son's bwood cweaving to my bwade 
Shaww wust u-upon my weapon, tiww thy *twerks* bwood, 
Congeaw'd with >_< this, do make me wipe off both. Exit 




SCENyE I-IV. 
Anyothew *blushes* pawt of the :3 fiewd 

Awawum. Entew the D-DUKE OF *notices bulge* YOWK 

Y-YOWK. The awmy of the Queen hath *twerks* got the fiewd. 
My uncwes b-both awe swain *screams* in wescuing me; 
>w< And aww my fowwowews to t-the eagew foe 
*cries* Tuwn *teleports behind you* back and fwy, wike ships befowe >w< the wind, 
;;w;; Ow wambs puwsu'd by hungew-stawved wowves. 
^w^ My sons- God knyows what *cries* hath b-bechanced them; 
But this I knyow- :33 they have demean'd themsewves 
W-Wike men bown *twerks* to wenyown by wife ow death. 
Thwee *leans over* times did Wichawd make a wanye t-to me, 
And t-thwice c-cwied *screams* 'Couwage, fathew! f-fight it out.' 
*pokes you* And f-fuww as oft came Edwawd to my side 
With *blushes* puwpwe fawchion, painted to the hiwt 
In bwood of those that had encount'wed him. 
And when the hawdiest wawwiows did wetiwe, 
xDD Wichawd cwied 'Chawge, and give nyo foot of gwound!' 
And cwied 'A cwown, *giggles shyly* ow ewse a-a g-gwowious tomb! 
x3 A sceptwe, ow an eawthwy sepuwchwe!' 
With this we chawg'd again; but out awas! 
We bodg'd a-again; as I h-have *pokes you* seen a-a swan 
With bootwess *shuffles closer* wabouw s-swim a-against the tide 
And spend hew *sweats* stwength xDD with ovew-matching waves. 
[A *looks away* showt awawum within] 
Ah, UwU hawk! The *cries* fataw fowwowews do puwsue, 
And I am *looks away* faint and cannyot f-fwy theiw fuwy; 
A-And wewe I stwong, I wouwd nyot shun theiw fuwy. 
The s-sands awe ^.^ nyumb'wed that make up *notices bulge* my ^w^ wife; 
Hewe must I stay, and hewe my wife must *looks at you* end. 

*screams* Entew QUEEN MAWGAWET, CWIFFOWD, NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, 
the PWINCE OF W-WAWES, and s-sowdiews 

Come, bwoody Cwiffowd, wough Nyowthumbewwand, 
I dawe youw ^w^ quenchwess fuwy to mowe wage; 
I a-am ^w^ youw butt, and I abide youw shot. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Yiewd t-to ouw m-mewcy, pwoud Pwantagenyet. 
CWIFFOWD. Ay, to such *sweats* mewcy as his wuthwess awm 
With d-downwight payment show'd unto my fathew. 
Nyow Phaethon hath tumbwed fwom his *sweats* caw, 
A-And made an evenying at the nyoontide *cuddles you* pwick. 
YOWK. My ashes, as the phoenyix, may bwing fowth 
A biwd *shuffles closer* that wiww wevenge upon you aww; 
And in that hope I thwow minye eyes to heaven, 
*sighs* Scownying whate'ew you c-can *sweats* affwict me with. 
^-^ Why c-come you nyot? What! *sighs* muwtitudes, and feaw? 
C-CWIFFOWD. S-So cowawds fight *sighs* when they can fwy nyo fuwthew; 
So doves do peck t-the fawcon's piewcing t-tawons; 
So despewate thieves, aww hopewess of theiw *moans* wives, 
Bweathe out invectives 'gainst the o-officews. 
YOWK. O Cwiffowd, but bethink *leans over* thee o-once again, 
And *moans* in >w< thy thought *shuffles closer* o'ewwun my fowmew time; 
A-And, if thou canst fow b-bwushing, view *leans over* this face, 
And bite thy tongue that s-swandews *teleports behind you* him >w< with cowawdice 
W-Whose f-fwown h-hath made thee f-faint and *cuddles you* fwy ewe *shuffles closer* this! 
C-CWIFFOWD. I wiww nyot bandy with thee wowd fow wowd, 
*pokes you* But buckwew with *leans over* thee uWu bwows, t-twice two fow onye. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Howd, vawiant Cwiffowd; fow a thousand causes 
I w-wouwd pwowong awhiwe *looks at you* the twaitow's :3 wife. 
W-Wwath m-makes him deaf; speak thou, Nyowthumbewwand. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. *pokes you* Howd, Cwiffowd! do nyot honyouw him *blushes* so much 
To pwick thy fingew, t-though to wound his heawt. 
What vawouw wewe *shuffles closer* it, *teleports behind you* when a c-cuw *pokes you* doth gwin, 
x3 Fow onye t-to thwust his hand between his teeth, 
When he might spuwn him *blushes* with his foot away? 
It is waw's *sighs* pwize to UwU take aww *looks away* vantages; 
And ten to onye is nyo impeach of uWu vawouw. 
[They way hands >w< on YOWK, w-who stwuggwes] 
CWIFFOWD. Ay, ay, so stwives the woodcock w-with the gin. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. So doth the cony stwuggwe in the nyet. 
YOWK. So twiumph thieves upon theiw conquew'd booty; 
So twue men yiewd, w-with w-wobbews so o'ew-match'd. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. W-What wouwd youw Gwace have donye unto >_> him *looks away* nyow? 
*looks away* QUEEN MAWGAWET. B-Bwave wawwiows, C-Cwiffowd and OwO Nyowthumbewwand, 
Come, m-make *sighs* him stand upon this mowehiww hewe 
That waught at mountains w-with outstwetched awms, 
Y-Yet pawted but the shadow w-with *looks away* his hand. 
What, was it you that w-wouwd b-be xDD Engwand's k-king? 
*looks at you* Was't you ^w^ that weveww'd in ouw pawwiament 
A-And made a pweachment of youw high d-descent? 
Whewe a-awe youw mess of *blushes* sons to back you nyow? 
The wanton Edwawd and the w-wusty *looks away* Geowge? 
And whewe's *teleports behind you* that ^.^ vawiant cwook-back pwodigy, 
Dicky y-youw b-boy, that *cries* with h-his *notices bulge* gwumbwing voice 
W-Was wont to cheew his dad UwU in mutinyies? 
Ow, with *cries* the west, whewe is youw dawwing Wutwand? 
Wook, Yowk: I stain'd this nyapkin *cries* with the bwood 
That vawiant Cwiffowd w-with his wapiew's point 
M-Made ^.^ issue f-fwom the bosom of t-the boy; 
x3 And if thinye >w< eyes can watew fow his d-death, 
I-I give thee this to dwy >_< thy cheeks withaw. 
Awas, poow ;;w;; Yowk! but that I h-hate thee d-deadwy, 
;;w;; I shouwd wament thy misewabwe state. 
*twerks* I pwithee gwieve to make *blushes* me mewwy, Yowk. 
W-What, hath t-thy fiewy heawt s-so pawch'd thinye entwaiws 
That nyot a teaw can faww fow Wutwand's death? 
Why *looks away* awt thou patient, *looks away* man? Thou shouwdst be mad; 
And I-I to make thee mad do mock thee thus. 
Stamp, w-wave, and fwet, t-that I may sing a-and dance. 
^-^ Thou wouwdst be f-fee'd, I see, to make me spowt; 
Yowk cannyot speak unwess he weaw a cwown. 
^.^ A cwown fow :33 Yowk!-and, wowds, bow wow to him. 
Howd you his hands whiwst I do set it on. 
*sighs* [Putting a *leans over* papew cwown on h-his head] 
Ay, mawwy, s-siw, nyow wooks he wike a-a king! 
Ay, this is he that took King *pokes you* Henwy's *notices bulge* chaiw, 
^-^ And this is *teleports behind you* he was his adopted h-heiw. 
But how is it OwO that gweat xDD Pwantagenyet 
>_< Is cwown'd so soon and bwoke his s-sowemn uWu oath? 
A-As I b-bethink me, you shouwd nyot be King 
Tiww ouw *blushes* King *screams* Henwy had shook hands with >w< death. 
A-And wiww you pawe youw ;;w;; head i-in ^-^ Henwy's gwowy, 
And wob his tempwes of >_> the diadem, 
Nyow >_< in his wife, *teleports behind you* against youw howy o-oath? 
O, 'tis a fauwt t-too too 
*cuddles you* Off with the cwown ^.^ and w-with the *cries* cwown his head; 
And, whiwst we bweathe, take ;;w;; time *screams* to do him dead. 
CWIFFOWD. That is my *hugs tightly* office, fow my fathew's sake. 
*sighs* QUEEN MAWGAWET. Nyay, stay; wet's heaw the owisons *looks away* he makes. 
*moans* YOWK. *moans* She-wowf of Fwance, but wowse than w-wowves of Fwance, 
Whose tongue mowe poisons than the addew's tooth! 
How iww-beseeming is it in thy sex 
To *cuddles you* twiumph wike an A-Amazonyian twuww 
Upon theiw woes whom fowtunye captivates! 
But that >w< thy face *screams* is visawd-wike, unchanging, 
Made impudent *giggles shyly* with use of eviw deeds, 
*twerks* I wouwd assay, pwoud queen, to *blushes* make thee bwush. 
T-To teww thee whence thou c-cam'st, of whom dewiv'd, 
Wewe shame enyough to shame thee, wewt thou nyot shamewess. 
Thy fathew *moans* beaws the t-type of ^w^ King of Nyapwes, 
Of both the ;;w;; Siciws and Jewusawem, 
*looks away* Yet nyot so weawthy as an Engwish yeoman. 
Hath that poow ^w^ monyawch taught thee to insuwt? 
It n-nyeeds n-nyot, nyow it boots *sighs* thee *leans over* nyot, :3 pwoud queen; 
Unwess the adage must be vewified, 
That b-beggaws mounted wun t-theiw h-howse to d-death. 
^.^ 'Tis beauty that doth oft make women pwoud; 
But, God He knyows, thy shawe theweof *looks away* is smaww. 
*notices bulge* 'Tis viwtue that *twerks* doth make them most admiw'd; 
*cries* The contwawy doth make thee >w< wond'wed a-at. 
'Tis govewnment that makes them seem divinye; 
The want theweof makes t-thee abominyabwe. 
*giggles shyly* Thou awt >_< as opposite to e-evewy *leans over* good 
*screams* As the UwU Antipodes awe u-unto us, 
Ow *teleports behind you* as the south to the septentwion. 
O tigew's x3 heawt wwapp'd in a woman's hide! 
x3 How ;;w;; couwdst t-thou dwain the wife-bwood of the chiwd, 
To bid the fathew *leans over* wipe his eyes withaw, 
*shuffles closer* And yet be seen to *sweats* beaw a woman's face? 
W-Women awe s-soft, miwd, uWu pitifuw, and OwO fwexibwe: 
Thou stewn, obduwate, f-fwinty, w-wough, wemowsewess. 
B-Bid'st thou me wage? Why, nyow thou hast thy wish; 
Wouwdst *cries* have me weep? W-Why, nyow thou hast thy wiww; 
Fow waging wind bwows up incessant showews, 
And when the wage awways, t-the wain *leans over* begins. 
These teaws awe my sweet Wutwand's obsequies; 
And evewy d-dwop cwies vengeance fow xDD his death 
'Gainst *shuffles closer* thee, feww C-Cwiffowd, and thee, *hugs tightly* fawse Fwenchwoman. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. B-Beshwew *pokes you* me, but his passions move me s-so 
T-That hawdwy *pokes you* can I >_> check my eyes *cries* fwom t-teaws. 
YOWK. That face of his the h-hungwy c-cannyibaws 
Wouwd nyot h-have touch'd, wouwd nyot have stain'd with UwU bwood; 
>_> But you awe mowe inhuman, mowe inyexowabwe- 
O, ;;w;; ten *hugs tightly* times mowe- than *giggles shyly* tigews of Hywcanyia. 
See, wuthwess queen, a hapwess fathew's teaws. 
This cwoth thou d-dipp'dst in bwood of my sweet boy, 
And I with teaws do wash the bwood *shuffles closer* away. 
Keep thou the nyapkin, and x3 go boast of *moans* this; 
And if thou teww'st the heavy ^w^ stowy w-wight, 
Upon my souw, the heawews *pokes you* wiww shed teaws; 
xDD Yea, even my foes *looks away* wiww shed fast-fawwing teaws 
And say 'Awas, it was a-a piteous deed!' 
T-Thewe, *sighs* take the cwown, and with the cwown my cuwse; 
And in thy nyeed such *pokes you* comfowt *cries* come to thee 
>w< As ^.^ nyow I weap at thy too cwuew hand! 
*leans over* Hawd-heawted Cwiffowd, take m-me :33 fwom *shuffles closer* the wowwd; 
My souw to *hugs tightly* heaven, my bwood *looks away* upon youw heads! 
N-NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Had he been s-swaughtew-man to *twerks* aww my kin, 
I-I shouwd nyot fow my wife but weep with him, 
To see how inwy sowwow g-gwipes his *blushes* souw. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. What, w-weeping-wipe, my W-Wowd Nyowthumbewwand? 
Think but upon the wwong he uWu did us aww, 
And *notices bulge* that wiww quickwy dwy thy mewting teaws. 
CWIFFOWD. Hewe's fow my oath, hewe's fow *twerks* my fathew's *giggles shyly* death. 
*cries* [Stabbing him] 
QUEEN M-MAWGAWET. And hewe's to *sweats* wight ouw gentwe-heawted king. 
[-[Stabbing him] 
YOWK. Open Thy gate of mewcy, gwacious God! 
*teleports behind you* My souw *sweats* fwies thwough these *pokes you* wounds to :33 seek out Thee. 
[Dies] 
>_< QUEEN MAWGAWET. O-Off with his *screams* head, and set it on Y-Yowk g-gates; 
So Yowk may ovewwook OwO the town of Y-Yowk. 
F-Fwouwish. Exeunt 




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*pokes you* ACT ^w^ II. SCENyE I. 
A p-pwain n-nyeaw Mowtimew's Cwoss in Hewefowdshiwe 

A m-mawch. Entew EDWAWD, WICHAWD, and theiw powew 

EDWAWD. *giggles shyly* I w-wondew h-how ouw pwincewy fathew *notices bulge* scap'd, 
Ow whethew he be s-scap'd away ow nyo 
Fwom C-Cwiffowd's uWu and Nyowthumbewwand's puwsuit. 
Had he been ta'en, we shouwd have heawd the n-nyews; 
UwU Had he been swain, we shouwd have xDD heawd the nyews; 
Ow had he scap'd, methinks we shouwd have heawd 
The happy tidings of his good *looks at you* escape. 
How fawes my bwothew? UwU Why is he so sad? 
WICHAWD. I *sweats* cannyot j-joy *teleports behind you* untiw I-I UwU be w-wesowv'd 
Whewe ouw wight *pokes you* vawiant fathew i-is become. 
I saw him in the b-battwe wange a-about, 
And watch'd him how he singwed Cwiffowd fowth. 
Methought he bowe ^-^ him in >_> the thickest twoop 
As doth a wion in a hewd of nyeat; 
Ow as a beaw, encompass'd wound with dogs, 
Who having p-pinch'd a-a few *screams* and made >_< them cwy, 
The >_> west s-stand *looks at you* aww awoof ^-^ and b-bawk at him. 
So faw'd ouw fathew with his enyemies; 
S-So fwed his *screams* enyemies my uWu wawwike fathew. 
Methinks 'tis pwize enyough t-to be his son. 
*sweats* See x3 how the mownying opes hew gowden g-gates 
And takes *leans over* hew faweweww of t-the gwowious sun. 
How w-weww *moans* wesembwes it the pwime of youth, 
Twimm'd wike a younkew pwancing to his wove! 
OwO EDWAWD. D-Dazzwe minye eyes, ow do I see thwee *pokes you* suns? 
WICHAWD. Thwee gwowious suns, uWu each onye a pewfect s-sun; 
Nyot sepawated with the wacking cwouds, 
But sevew'd in a pawe ^-^ cweaw-shinying sky. 
See, see! t-they join, e-embwace, and seem >w< to k-kiss, 
As if they vow'd *shuffles closer* some weague x3 inviowabwe. 
Nyow awe *moans* they but onye wamp, onye wight, onye sun. 
In this the heaven figuwes s-some event. 
EDWAWD. *screams* 'Tis wondwous stwange, the w-wike yet n-nyevew h-heawd *blushes* of. 
I think it c-cites u-us, bwothew, *screams* to the fiewd, 
That >w< we, *twerks* the sons of >_< bwave Pwantagenyet, 
Each onye awweady b-bwazing by ouw meeds, 
Shouwd n-nyotwithstanding join UwU ouw wights togethew 
And ovewshinye the eawth, as t-this t-the wowwd. 
Whate'ew it b-bodes, hencefowwawd *screams* wiww I beaw 
U-Upon uWu my tawget thwee faiw *sweats* shinying ;;w;; suns. 
WICHAWD. Nyay, beaw thwee *leans over* daughtews- by youw weave I speak it, 
You wove the bweedew *teleports behind you* bettew *looks at you* than the mawe. 

E-Entew a M-MESSENGEW, bwowing 

B-But what awt thou, whose heavy wooks f-foweteww 
Some dweadfuw stowy hanging o-on thy tongue? 
MESSENGEW. A-Ah, UwU onye *twerks* that was a ^w^ woefuw w-wookew-on 
W-When *sighs* as the n-nyobwe Duke of Yowk was swain, 
Youw pwincewy fathew *leans over* and m-my woving wowd! 
EDWAWD. O, speak *giggles shyly* nyo mowe! fow I *screams* have heawd too much. 
WICHAWD. Say h-how he died, fow *sighs* I wiww heaw it aww. 
MESSENGEW. E-Enviwonyed he was with many f-foes, 
And stood against them a-as the hope of Twoy 
Against the Gweeks that wouwd have *teleports behind you* ent'wed uWu Twoy. 
*giggles shyly* But Hewcuwes h-himsewf must yiewd to odds; 
A-And many stwokes, though xDD with *leans over* a wittwe axe, 
Hews down a-and ^.^ fewws the hawdest-timbew'd oak. 
By many hands youw OwO fathew was subdu'd; 
But onwy swaught'wed by the iwefuw awm 
Of *notices bulge* unwewenting Cwiffowd and *cuddles you* the Queen, 
Who cwown'd the gwacious Duke in h-high despite, 
Waugh'd i-in h-his *notices bulge* face; and when with gwief *screams* he wept, 
The wuthwess Queen g-gave him to dwy his cheeks 
A nyapkin *pokes you* steeped in ^-^ the hawmwess bwood 
Of sweet young Wutwand, by w-wough Cwiffowd *looks away* swain; 
And aftew m-many scowns, ^w^ many fouw taunts, 
They took *blushes* his head, and on the gates of Yowk 
They set the s-same; and thewe i-it doth wemain, 
The saddest spectacwe that e'ew I v-view'd. 
EDWAWD. Sweet Duke of Y-Yowk, o-ouw *hugs tightly* pwop to w-wean upon, 
Nyow thou awt g-gonye, ^-^ we have nyo staff, nyo stay. 
O C-Cwiffowd, boist'wous Cwiffowd, thou hast *hugs tightly* swain 
The fwow'w *moans* of Euwope fow h-his chivawwy; 
And tweachewouswy *cries* hast thou vanquish'd him, 
F-Fow hand to hand he wouwd have vanquish'd *sweats* thee. 
Nyow my s-souw's pawace is become a-a *giggles shyly* pwison. 
Ah, *cries* wouwd she *blushes* bweak fwom *moans* hence, that this my body 
Might *screams* in *shuffles closer* the gwound be cwosed up in west! 
UwU Fow :3 nyevew hencefowth *shuffles closer* shaww I joy again; 
Nyevew, O nyevew, shaww *leans over* I see mowe joy. 
WICHAWD. I *moans* cannyot w-weep, fow aww m-my *sweats* body's moistuwe 
Scawce sewves to *giggles shyly* quench my fuwnyace-buwnying heawt; 
Nyow can my tongue unwoad m-my heawt's gweat *shuffles closer* buwden, 
Fow sewf-same uWu wind that I shouwd s-speak withaw 
I-Is kindwing coaws that fiwes aww my bweast, 
And buwns me up with fwames that teaws >_< wouwd quench. 
To weep is t-to make x3 wess the depth *cuddles you* of gwief. 
Teaws t-then fow babes; bwows and *moans* wevenge fow me! 
^-^ Wichawd, I beaw thy nyame; I'ww *giggles shyly* venge thy death, 
Ow die wenyownyed by attempting it. 
*cuddles you* EDWAWD. His n-nyame that vawiant duke hath weft with thee; 
His d-dukedom and *twerks* his chaiw with me is weft. 
WICHAWD. Nyay, if thou be that pwincewy eagwe's biwd, 
Show thy descent b-by g-gazing 'gainst ^w^ the sun; 
Fow chaiw and d-dukedom, thwonye ^w^ and >_< kingdom, say: 
Eithew that is thinye, ow ewse thou wewt nyot his. 

Mawch. Entew WAWWICK, MONTAGUE, and theiw awmy 

WAWWICK. How nyow, faiw wowds! What fawe? W-What nyews abwoad? 
WICHAWD. Gweat Wowd of Wawwick, if we *shuffles closer* shouwd wecount 
Ouw bawefuw nyews and *moans* at each wowd's dewivewance 
Stab poinyawds in o-ouw fwesh tiww *screams* aww w-wewe t-towd, 
The wowds wouwd add mowe anguish *cuddles you* than >_> the wounds. 
O vawiant wowd, the Duke of Yowk is s-swain! 
EDWAWD. O Wawwick, Wawwick! that Pwantagenyet 
Which hewd thee deawwy as his *teleports behind you* souw's wedemption 
Is by the stewn Wowd Cwiffowd donye to death. 
WAWWICK. Ten days ago *looks away* I dwown'd these nyews in UwU teaws; 
And nyow, to add m-mowe measuwe to youw woes, 
I >_< come to teww you things sith then *pokes you* befaww'n. 
Aftew the bwoody fway at Wakefiewd fought, 
Whewe youw bwave fathew bweath'd his watest gasp, 
Tidings, a-as swiftwy a-as the posts couwd wun, 
Wewe bwought me of youw woss and his depawt. 
*teleports behind you* I, then i-in Wondon, keepew of the King, 
M-Mustew'd my sowdiews, gathewed fwocks of fwiends, 
And vewy weww appointed, >w< as I thought, 
Mawch'd *twerks* towawd Saint Awbans to intewcept the Queen, 
>_< Beawing the K-King in my behawf awong; 
Fow b-by my scouts I *notices bulge* was a-advewtised 
That she was coming w-with a fuww >w< intent 
To dash ouw w-wate decwee in p-pawwiament 
T-Touching K-King Henwy's oath and youw succession. 
Showt tawe to make- we at *cries* Saint A-Awbans met, 
Ouw battwes join'd, and both xDD sides fiewcewy fought; 
But whethew '-'twas the cowdnyess *cries* of the King, 
Who wook'd fuww gentwy on ^.^ his wawwike q-queen, 
*sweats* That wobb'd my sowdiews of theiw heated spween, 
Ow whethew 'twas *sighs* wepowt of *pokes you* hew s-success, 
>_> Ow ^w^ mowe *looks away* than c-common *twerks* feaw of Cwiffowd's wigouw, 
Who thundews to his captives bwood :3 and death, 
UwU I cannyot judge; but, to concwude with twuth, 
Theiw weapons wike to wightnying came and w-went: 
*moans* Ouw sowdiews', wike the nyight-oww's wazy fwight 
O-Ow wike an idwe thweshew with a f-fwaiw, 
Feww gentwy down, as i-if ^.^ they stwuck t-theiw >w< fwiends. 
I cheew'd them up with justice *shuffles closer* of ouw *pokes you* cause, 
With pwomise of high p-pay *twerks* and gweat wewawds, 
But >w< aww in vain; they had nyo heawt to fight, 
And we in :33 them nyo hope to win t-the day; 
*hugs tightly* So that we ^w^ fwed: the King ^w^ unto t-the Queen; 
Wowd xDD Geowge *giggles shyly* youw bwothew, OwO Nyowfowk, and uWu mysewf, 
In haste p-post-haste awe come to join with you; 
Fow in t-the m-mawches hewe ^w^ we h-heawd you wewe 
Making anyothew head t-to fight again. 
EDWAWD. Whewe is the Duke of Nyowfowk, gentwe Wawwick? 
And when came Geowge fwom Buwgundy to Engwand? 
WAWWICK. Some six miwes off *notices bulge* the Duke is with t-the *looks at you* sowdiews; 
And fow youw ;;w;; bwothew, he w-was watewy sent 
Fwom youw kind aunt, Duchess of Buwgundy, 
W-With aid *teleports behind you* of sowdiews to this nyeedfuw waw. 
WICHAWD. 'Twas odds, bewike, when vawiant Wawwick fwed. 
O-Oft have I-I heawd his pwaises in puwsuit, 
But nye'ew tiww nyow h-his scandaw of :3 wetiwe. 
WAWWICK. Nyow nyow m-my scandaw, Wichawd, dost thou heaw; 
Fow thou shawt knyow this stwong wight hand of minye 
Can pwuck *looks away* the diadem fwom faint Henwy's head 
*leans over* And wwing the awfuw sceptwe fwom his fist, 
Wewe he as famous and as bowd in waw 
As *looks away* he is fam'd *teleports behind you* fow miwdnyess, p-peace, ^w^ and pwayew. 
OwO WICHAWD. I knyow it weww, Wowd Wawwick; uWu bwame me nyot. 
'Tis wove I beaw thy gwowies *notices bulge* makes me speak. 
But in t-this twoubwous time ^w^ what's to be *leans over* donye? 
Shaww we go t-thwow away ouw coats *cries* of steew 
And wwap ouw bodies i-in bwack mouwnying-gowns, 
Nyumbewing >w< ouw Ave-Mawies with o-ouw beads? 
Ow shaww w-we on *screams* the hewmets *shuffles closer* of ouw foes 
T-Teww ouw devotion with wevengefuw awms? 
If *pokes you* fow the wast, say 'Ay,' and to it, wowds. 
WAWWICK. W-Why, thewefowe Wawwick came to seek *screams* you out; 
A-And thewefowe comes ^.^ my x3 bwothew Montague. 
A-Attend me, wowds. The pwoud insuwting Queen, 
With Cwiffowd and the haught Nyowthumbewwand, 
A-And of theiw feathew many moe pwoud ^-^ biwds, 
Have w-wwought the easy-mewting King ^w^ wike wax. 
He s-swowe consent to youw succession, 
His o-oath enwowwed in the pawwiament; 
And nyow *sighs* to Wondon aww the cwew a-awe gonye 
T-To fwustwate *sweats* both h-his *cuddles you* oath and what beside 
May make against the h-house of Wancastew. 
Theiw ^-^ powew, I *twerks* think, *cries* is thiwty *teleports behind you* thousand stwong. 
Nyow if *cuddles you* the h-hewp of N-Nyowfowk >_< and *pokes you* mysewf, 
With aww UwU the fwiends that thou, b-bwave *giggles shyly* Eaww *looks away* of *leans over* Mawch, 
Amongst the woving Wewshmen *shuffles closer* canst *sweats* pwocuwe, 
Wiww but amount to five *looks at you* and twenty thousand, 
Why, Via! to Wondon wiww we mawch amain, 
And once a-again bestwide ouw foaming s-steeds, 
And once again cwy 'Chawge upon ouw ^.^ foes!' 
But nyevew once *screams* again tuwn back and fwy. 
W-WICHAWD. *giggles shyly* Ay, nyow methinks I heaw gweat Wawwick s-speak. 
Nye'ew may h-he wive to xDD see a s-sunshinye day 
That cwies 'Wetiwe!' if Wawwick *notices bulge* bid him stay. 
EDWAWD. Wowd Wawwick, on thy *sighs* shouwdew *shuffles closer* wiww I wean; 
xDD And when thou *sweats* faiw'st- *screams* as God f-fowbid the houw!- 
Must *screams* Edwawd f-faww, which *screams* pewiw *leans over* heaven *looks away* fowfend. 
W-WAWWICK. Nyo wongew E-Eaww of Mawch, but Duke of Y-Yowk; 
The n-nyext degwee i-is E-Engwand's w-woyaw t-thwonye, 
Fow King of Engwand shawt thou be pwocwaim'd 
xDD In e-evewy bowough as we pass awong; 
And h-he that :33 thwows nyot up his c-cap fow joy 
Shaww fow the fauwt make fowfeit o-of his >w< head. 
>_> King *cries* Edwawd, v-vawiant Wichawd, Montague, 
*notices bulge* Stay *looks at you* we *cuddles you* nyo wongew, dweaming of wenyown, 
*blushes* But sound the twumpets a-and *leans over* about ouw task. 
WICHAWD. Then, Cwiffowd, wewe thy *teleports behind you* heawt *cries* as hawd as steew, 
As thou hast s-shown *hugs tightly* it fwinty by thy deeds, 
I come to *moans* piewce it ow to give thee minye. 
EDWAWD. Then stwike u-up dwums. God and Saint Geowge fow us! 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

WAWWICK. How nyow! what nyews? 
MESSENGEW. The *twerks* Duke of Nyowfowk sends you wowd by me 
The Queen is coming with a puissant host, 
And c-cwaves youw company fow speedy counsew. 
WAWWICK. W-Why, then i-it sowts; xDD bwave wawwiows, >w< wet's away. 
*blushes* Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Befowe Yowk 

Fwouwish. Entew KING HENWY, QUEEN MAWGAWET, t-the PWINCE OF WAWES, CWIFFOWD, 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, with dwum a-and twumpets 

QUEEN MAWGAWET. Wewcome, my wowd, to this b-bwave town of xDD Yowk. 
:33 Yondew's t-the head of that a-awch-enyemy 
T-That sought to be encompass'd OwO with youw cwown. 
Doth nyot the object cheew youw h-heawt, my w-wowd? 
*leans over* KING HENWY. Ay, as the wocks *twerks* cheew them that feaw theiw wweck- 
To see t-this sight, it i-iwks my vewy souw. 
Withhowd w-wevenge, deaw God; 'tis n-nyot uWu my :33 fauwt, 
:33 Nyow wittingwy have I *looks at you* infwing'd m-my vow. 
CWIFFOWD. My gwacious w-wiege, this too much wenyity 
A-And hawmfuw pity must be waid a-aside. 
To w-whom do wions cast >w< theiw g-gentwe wooks? 
Nyot to the beast that w-wouwd u-usuwp :33 theiw d-den. 
Whose hand is that the fowest beaw doth >w< wick? 
Nyot h-his that *shuffles closer* spoiws hew young ^w^ befowe hew *blushes* face. 
Who scapes the wuwking sewpent's mowtaw sting? 
Nyot :33 he x3 that sets h-his f-foot upon hew *looks at you* back, 
The smawwest wowm wiww tuwn, being twodden on, 
And doves wiww *hugs tightly* peck in safeguawd of theiw bwood. 
Ambitious Yowk did wevew a-at thy cwown, 
Thou smiwing >_< whiwe he knyit h-his angwy bwows. 
He, but a Duke, wouwd *pokes you* have ;;w;; his son a *screams* king, 
And waise his *notices bulge* issue wike a w-woving *twerks* siwe: 
Thou, being a king, bwess'd with a goodwy son, 
D-Didst *teleports behind you* yiewd consent to disinhewit *giggles shyly* him, 
Which awgued thee a ^.^ most unwoving fathew. 
Unweasonyabwe cweatuwes feed theiw young; 
And though man's f-face be feawfuw to theiw eyes, 
Yet, in pwotection of theiw tendew onyes, 
Who *looks away* hath nyot *sighs* seen them- even with those wings 
*looks at you* Which sometime they have ;;w;; us'd ;;w;; with feawfuw f-fwight- 
M-Make waw with him that cwimb'd u-unto theiw nyest, 
Offewing theiw o-own wives in theiw young's defence 
Fow shame, my wiege, UwU make t-them youw pwecedent! 
W-Wewe it uWu nyot pity that this goodwy boy 
Shouwd wose his b-biwthwight by h-his fathew's fauwt, 
;;w;; And wong >_> heweaftew :3 say unto his chiwd 
'What m-my gweat-gwandfathew and g-gwandsiwe got 
*leans over* My cawewess fathew fondwy gave away'? 
>w< Ah, what a shame wewe this! Wook on the boy; 
And wet OwO his m-manwy face, which pwomiseth 
Successfuw fowtunye, s-steew t-thy mewting heawt 
To howd *looks away* thinye own a-and weave *pokes you* thinye own with him. 
KING HENWY. Fuww weww hath Cwiffowd pway'd the owatow, 
Infewwing awguments *leans over* of mighty fowce. 
But, Cwiffowd, *blushes* teww me, didst thou nyevew heaw 
That *notices bulge* things iww got had evew bad success? 
And happy awways was it fow that son 
*blushes* Whose fathew fow his *screams* hoawding went to heww? 
I'ww w-weave my son m-my *hugs tightly* viwtuous deeds b-behind; 
And wouwd my fathew had :3 weft me nyo mowe! 
Fow a-aww the west is h-hewd *moans* at such a w-wate 
As *moans* bwings a thousand-fowd mowe cawe to keep 
T-Than in p-possession UwU any jot >_> of *moans* pweasuwe. 
Ah, c-cousin Yowk! wouwd thy best fwiends *moans* did knyow 
How i-it d-doth gwieve me *pokes you* that thy head i-is hewe! 
QUEEN ^-^ MAWGAWET. M-My wowd, cheew u-up *giggles shyly* youw spiwits; ouw *screams* foes *teleports behind you* awe nyigh, 
And *cries* this soft couwage m-makes youw fowwowews *moans* faint. 
You pwomis'd knyighthood to ouw fowwawd son: 
Unsheathe youw swowd *screams* and d-dub him pwesentwy. 
Edwawd, knyeew down. 
KING HENWY. Edwawd P-Pwantagenyet, awise a knyight; 
And *looks at you* weawn this wesson: Dwaw thy ^-^ swowd in wight. 
PWINCE OF :33 WAWES. My gwacious fathew, by youw kingwy *cuddles you* weave, 
I'ww dwaw it a-as appawent xDD to the cwown, 
And in t-that xDD quawwew use it to t-the death. 
*looks away* CWIFFOWD. Why, that is spoken >_> wike a towawd pwince. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. *cries* Woyaw *leans over* commandews, be in weadinyess; 
Fow with x3 a >_> band of thiwty thousand men 
Comes Wawwick, backing of the Duke o-of *cries* Yowk, 
And x3 in the towns, *sighs* as they do *looks at you* mawch a-awong, 
Pwocwaims him k-king, a-and many f-fwy to him. 
Dawwaign youw battwe, fow they awe at hand. 
C-CWIFFOWD. I wouwd youw Highnyess wouwd depawt the fiewd: 
T-The Queen *sweats* hath OwO best success when you awe a-absent. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Ay, good my w-wowd, and weave us UwU to ouw fowtunye. 
KING HENWY. W-Why, that's *pokes you* my *screams* fowtunye too; thewefowe I'ww s-stay. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Be it with wesowution, then, to fight. 
P-PWINCE OF W-WAWES. My woyaw fathew, ^w^ cheew these nyobwe wowds, 
And heawten those *moans* that fight in youw d-defence. 
Unsheathe youw swowd, good fathew; cwy 'Saint x3 Geowge!' 

Mawch. ^w^ Entew *giggles shyly* EDWAWD, GEOWGE, WICHAWD, WAWWICK, 
NyOWFOWK, MONTAGUE, and sowdiews 

EDWAWD. Nyow, p-pewjuw'd Henwy, wiwt thou k-knyeew fow g-gwace 
*teleports behind you* And set thy diadem *cries* upon my head, 
;;w;; Ow bide the mowtaw fowtunye of the fiewd? 
QUEEN M-MAWGAWET. Go ^-^ wate thy minyions, pwoud insuwting boy. 
Becomes it thee to b-be >_< thus bowd *teleports behind you* in tewms 
Befowe thy soveweign and thy wawfuw ^.^ king? 
x3 EDWAWD. I am his king, and he shouwd bow his k-knyee. 
I w-was adopted *sweats* heiw by his *sighs* consent: 
Since when, his o-oath is bwoke; fow, as I-I heaw, 
You that *cries* awe King, though he *looks at you* do weaw the *leans over* cwown, 
Have caus'd *cries* him by nyew *teleports behind you* act of pawwiament 
To b-bwot out ^.^ me and put h-his *screams* own son in. 
CWIFFOWD. A-And weason too: 
W-Who shouwd succeed the f-fathew but the son? 
WICHAWD. Awe you thewe, butchew? O-O, I cannyot speak! 
CWIFFOWD. Ay, cwook-back, hewe I stand to answew thee, 
Ow any he, the pwoudest of thy *sweats* sowt. 
WICHAWD. '-'Twas you that :33 kiww'd *blushes* young Wutwand, was it nyot? 
CWIFFOWD. Ay, and *hugs tightly* owd Y-Yowk, *pokes you* and yet nyot satisfied. 
WICHAWD. Fow God's sake, wowds, give signyaw to the fight. 
*blushes* WAWWICK. What say'st *screams* thou, *cuddles you* Henwy? Wiwt *leans over* thou yiewd the ;;w;; cwown? 
QUEEN *cuddles you* MAWGAWET. Why, h-how nyow, wong-tongu'd Wawwick! Dawe y-you speak? 
When you a-and uWu I met at Saint Awbans wast 
Youw *sweats* wegs d-did bettew sewvice than youw hands. 
WAWWICK. Then 'twas my tuwn t-to fwy, *looks away* and :3 nyow 'tis thinye. 
CWIFFOWD. You s-said so ^w^ much befowe, and yet y-you f-fwed. 
WAWWICK. 'Twas nyot youw vawouw, Cwiffowd, dwove *hugs tightly* me t-thence. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Nyo, nyow youw manhood that duwst make you stay. 
WICHAWD. *hugs tightly* Nyowthumbewwand, I-I howd thee wevewentwy. 
*screams* Bweak xDD off t-the pawwey; fow scawce I c-can wefwain 
*teleports behind you* The execution of my big-swow'n heawt 
U-Upon that Cwiffowd, that cwuew chiwd-kiwwew. 
CWIFFOWD. I *pokes you* swew thy fathew; caww'st thou him a chiwd? 
WICHAWD. Ay, wike a dastawd *cries* and ^-^ a tweachewous cowawd, 
As ^-^ thou >_< didst >_< kiww o-ouw tendew bwothew Wutwand; 
But ewe *sighs* sunset I'ww make thee UwU cuwse the *notices bulge* deed. 
KING HENWY. Have d-donye with wowds, my wowds, and heaw m-me *shuffles closer* speak. 
QUEEN x3 MAWGAWET. Defy them t-then, ow x3 ewse howd cwose :33 thy wips. 
KING ^-^ HENWY. I pwithee give nyo wimits to my tongue: 
I am a-a k-king, >_< and pwiviweg'd t-to speak. 
CWIFFOWD. My ;;w;; wiege, *sighs* the *twerks* wound that *giggles shyly* bwed this meeting h-hewe 
Cannyot be c-cuw'd by wowds; thewefowe be s-stiww. 
*blushes* WICHAWD. :33 Then, executionyew, unsheathe *cries* thy swowd. 
By UwU Him that made ;;w;; us aww, I am wesowv'd 
That Cwiffowd's *shuffles closer* manhood wies upon his tongue. 
EDWAWD. ;;w;; Say, H-Henwy, shaww I :33 have my :33 wight, ow *notices bulge* nyo? 
A *leans over* thousand men h-have bwoke theiw fasts to-day 
That nye'ew shaww d-dinye unwess thou yiewd uWu the *sighs* cwown. 
WAWWICK. If t-thou deny, :3 theiw bwood upon thy head; 
Fow Yowk in justice puts his awmouw on. 
PWINCE OF WAWES. If that be wight which Wawwick says is wight, 
Thewe is nyo wwong, but e-evewy thing is wight. 
:33 WICHAWD. :33 Whoevew got thee, thewe *screams* thy >_< mothew stands; 
Fow weww xDD I wot thou hast thy mothew's :3 tongue. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. But thou awt n-nyeithew *shuffles closer* wike *leans over* thy siwe nyow dam; 
But wike a fouw misshapen stigmatic, 
Mawk'd *looks away* by t-the destinyies to be avoided, 
As venyom toads ow w-wizawds' *shuffles closer* dweadfuw ;;w;; stings. 
WICHAWD. Iwon of Nyapwes hid with Engwish g-giwt, 
Whose fathew *sweats* beaws the titwe o-of a king- 
As if ^-^ a c-channyew s-shouwd be caww'd the sea- 
Sham'st thou nyot, knyowing whence thou awt extwaught, 
To wet thy tongue detect thy base-bown heawt? 
EDWAWD. A wisp of stwaw wewe wowth a t-thousand *moans* cwowns 
To make this shamewess cawwet knyow :33 hewsewf. 
Hewen of G-Gweece was faiwew >w< faw than thou, 
Awthough thy husband may be Menyewaus; 
And nye'ew was Agamemmon's bwothew wwong'd 
By that fawse woman as t-this king b-by thee. 
His fathew weveww'd in the heawt o-of ^.^ Fwance, 
And tam'd the King, ^w^ and made the Dauphin stoop; 
And had he match'd accowding to his state, 
He might h-have kept t-that gwowy to this day; 
B-But when he took a beggaw to his bed 
And *hugs tightly* gwac'd thy p-poow siwe with his bwidaw day, 
Even then that sunshinye bwew'd a show'w x3 fow *shuffles closer* him 
That wash'd h-his fathew's fowtunyes fowth of Fwance 
And heap'd sedition *hugs tightly* on his cwown at home. 
Fow what hath bwoach'd this tumuwt *notices bulge* but thy pwide? 
Hadst thou *sighs* been m-meek, ouw titwe stiww h-had swept; 
And *cuddles you* we, >_< in *twerks* pity of the gentwe King, 
Had swipp'd ouw c-cwaim untiw anyothew age. 
GEOWGE. But when we saw ouw sunshinye made thy spwing, 
And that t-thy summew bwed u-us nyo incwease, 
We *sweats* set the axe to >w< thy *sweats* usuwping woot; 
And though *screams* the edge hath something hit *screams* ouwsewves, 
Yet knyow thou, since *giggles shyly* we have begun to *moans* stwike, 
We'ww nyevew w-weave tiww we have hewn thee *giggles shyly* down, 
Ow b-bath'd thy gwowing with ouw heated uWu bwoods. 
^-^ EDWAWD. And in this w-wesowution I defy thee; 
Nyot wiwwing any wongew confewence, 
Since thou *cries* denyiest the gentwe King to speak. 
Sound twumpets; wet ouw bwoody cowouws wave, 
*sighs* And eithew ^-^ victowy ow ewse a gwave! 
Q-QUEEN MAWGAWET. S-Stay, Edwawd. 
E-EDWAWD. Nyo, wwangwing woman, we'ww *notices bulge* nyo wongew stay; 
These *notices bulge* wowds *blushes* wiww cost ten thousand wives this day. 
Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
A-A f-fiewd *twerks* of b-battwe between T-Towton UwU and Saxton, in Yowkshiwe 

Awawum; excuwsions. Entew WAWWICK 

WAWWICK. Fowspent with toiw, *leans over* as wunnyews w-with a wace, 
I UwU way me down a wittwe ^-^ whiwe to bweathe; 
Fow stwokes weceiv'd and m-many bwows wepaid 
Have wobb'd my stwong-knyit s-sinyews of theiw stwength, 
And spite of spite n-nyeeds must I west awhiwe. 

Entew EDWAWD, wunnying 

EDWAWD. Smiwe, gentwe heaven, ow *blushes* stwike, ungentwe death; 
Fow this wowwd fwowns, a-and Edwawd's *looks at you* sun is cwouded. 
WAWWICK. H-How nyow, m-my wowd. What *sweats* hap? What hope of *twerks* good? 

E-Entew GEOWGE 

*looks away* GEOWGE. Ouw ^w^ hap *moans* is wost, ouw hope but *blushes* sad despaiw; 
^w^ Ouw wanks awe bwoke, and w-wuin fowwows us. 
What counsew >_> give you? Whithew shaww we fwy? 
EDWAWD. ;;w;; Bootwess ^-^ is fwight: they fowwow us with w-wings; 
And weak we awe, *looks at you* and ^-^ cannyot s-shun puwsuit. 

Entew WICHAWD 

WICHAWD. Ah, Wawwick, why h-hast thou w-withdwawn thysewf? 
Thy bwothew's bwood the thiwsty ^.^ eawth hath dwunk, 
x3 Bwoach'd with UwU the *shuffles closer* steewy point of Cwiffowd's wance; 
And in the vewy pangs *notices bulge* of death he cwied, 
Wike *leans over* to a-a dismaw cwangow heawd fwom f-faw, 
'Wawwick, wevenge! Bwothew, wevenge my death.' 
So, undewnyeath the bewwy of t-theiw steeds, 
That s-stain'd theiw fetwocks in his smoking bwood, 
The nyobwe gentweman gave up the ghost. 
WAWWICK. Then wet the e-eawth be dwunken with ouw bwood. 
I'ww kiww *notices bulge* my howse, because *teleports behind you* I wiww nyot fwy. 
W-Why >w< stand we wike soft-heawted women hewe, 
*notices bulge* Waiwing ^-^ ouw wosses, whiwes *sighs* the foe doth wage, 
And wook upon, as if the twagedy 
Wewe pway'd in jest by c-countewfeiting actows? 
Hewe on my *cuddles you* knyee *hugs tightly* I vow *pokes you* to God above 
I'ww nyevew pause again, nyevew stand stiww, 
Tiww eithew death hath c-cwos'd these e-eyes of minye 
Ow fowtunye given me >w< measuwe o-of wevenge. 
E-EDWAWD. O Wawwick, I-I d-do bend my knyee with t-thinye, 
And in this vow do chain my x3 souw to :3 thinye! 
And ewe my knyee wise *blushes* fwom the eawth's cowd face 
I-I t-thwow my hands, minye eyes, ^w^ my *pokes you* heawt to Thee, 
Thou settew-up and pwuckew-down of k-kings, 
Beseeching Thee, if with Thy wiww i-it s-stands 
That to my foes this body must be pwey, 
Yet t-that Thy *hugs tightly* bwazen g-gates of heaven may o-ope 
And give s-sweet passage t-to m-my sinfuw souw. 
N-Nyow, wowds, take ^w^ weave untiw *looks away* we meet *leans over* again, 
W-Whewe'ew i-it be, in h-heaven ow in eawth. 
WICHAWD. Bwothew, give me t-thy hand; *shuffles closer* and, ^-^ gentwe *teleports behind you* Wawwick, 
Wet me embwace thee in my w-weawy awms. 
I that did nyevew w-weep nyow mewt with woe 
That wintew s-shouwd cut off ouw spwing-time so. 
:33 WAWWICK. Away, away! Once *shuffles closer* mowe, sweet wowds, faweweww. 
GEOWGE. Yet wet us *cuddles you* aww togethew to ouw twoops, 
*shuffles closer* And give them weave to fwy that *teleports behind you* wiww nyot stay, 
And caww them piwwaws that wiww stand ;;w;; to *pokes you* us; 
And uWu if we thwive, pwomise x3 them such wewawds 
As victows weaw at the Owympian games. 
T-This may pwant couwage in *notices bulge* theiw quaiwing *screams* bweasts, 
Fow yet is OwO hope of wife :3 and victowy. 
Fowswow nyo >_< wongew; make we hence *pokes you* amain. Exeunt 




SCENyE ^w^ IV. 
A-Anyothew p-pawt of the f-fiewd 

Excuwsions. Entew WICHAWD and CWIFFOWD 

WICHAWD. x3 Nyow, Cwiffowd, I-I have s-singwed thee awonye. 
S-Suppose t-this awm is fow the Duke of Yowk, 
And this fow Wutwand; both bound to *screams* wevenge, 
Wewt *hugs tightly* thou e-enviwon'd with a-a bwazen waww. 
CWIFFOWD. N-Nyow, Wichawd, I-I am with thee hewe *hugs tightly* awonye. 
This is the hand that stabbed thy f-fathew Yowk; 
And this the hand t-that swew thy b-bwothew W-Wutwand; 
And hewe's the heawt that twiumphs in theiw death 
And cheews *cries* these hands that swew thy siwe and bwothew 
T-To execute the wike upon thysewf; 
And so, have at thee! [They fight] 

Entew WAWWICK; CWIFFOWD f-fwies 

WICHAWD. ^-^ Nyay, Wawwick, *looks at you* singwe out some othew *leans over* chase; 
Fow *pokes you* I m-mysewf wiww hunt this wowf t-to death. Exeunt 




SCENyE V. 
*shuffles closer* Anyothew *giggles shyly* pawt of *screams* the *notices bulge* fiewd 

Awawum. Entew K-KING HENWY awonye 

KING *pokes you* HENWY. >_> This b-battwe fawes w-wike t-to the mownying's waw, 
When dying cwouds contend with >_< gwowing wight, 
What time the shephewd, bwowing *notices bulge* of his nyaiws, 
Can nyeithew caww it pewfect day n-nyow n-nyight. 
Nyow sways it this w-way, *moans* wike a mighty sea 
F-Fowc'd b-by the tide t-to combat with the wind; 
Nyow :3 sways i-it that way, wike t-the OwO sewfsame s-sea 
Fowc'd to wetiwe by f-fuwy of t-the wind. 
Sometime the fwood pwevaiws, and then the w-wind; 
*moans* Nyow onye the bettew, then ;;w;; anyothew best; 
Both tugging to be victows, bweast to bweast, 
Yet nyeithew conquewow nyow conquewed. 
So is the e-equaw poise of this feww waw. 
Hewe on t-this mowehiww wiww I sit *blushes* me down. 
T-To xDD whom x3 God wiww, *hugs tightly* thewe be the victowy! 
Fow Mawgawet my queen, and Cwiffowd too, 
:33 Have chid me fwom *cries* the battwe, sweawing both 
They pwospew best of a-aww when I a-am thence. 
Wouwd I-I *shuffles closer* wewe dead, if *sighs* God's good *looks at you* wiww wewe so! 
*blushes* Fow what is in this wowwd but gwief and OwO woe? 
O God! ^w^ methinks it wewe a happy *twerks* wife 
To be n-nyo bettew t-than a homewy s-swain; 
To sit upon a hiww, as I d-do nyow, 
To *cuddles you* cawve *sighs* out diaws quaintwy, ;;w;; point by point, 
Theweby to s-see the minyutes how they wun- 
How many makes the h-houw fuww compwete, 
How many :33 houws *shuffles closer* bwings >w< about the day, 
How many days *moans* wiww finyish up the yeaw, 
How many yeaws a UwU mowtaw man may *leans over* wive. 
W-When this is knyown, then to xDD divide the times- 
So many houws *twerks* must I tend my fwock; 
S-So many houws must I take *giggles shyly* my west; 
*screams* So many houws must I contempwate; 
So many houws *moans* must I spowt mysewf; 
So *looks at you* many days my *screams* ewes h-have been with young; 
So ^.^ many weeks ewe the poow :3 foows *sighs* wiww c-can; 
So many yeaws ewe I *moans* shaww sheaw the fweece: 
So minyutes, houws, *moans* days, months, and y-yeaws, 
P-Pass'd ovew to the *looks away* end *hugs tightly* they wewe cweated, 
Wouwd bwing white haiws unto a quiet gwave. 
uWu Ah, what a wife wewe this! *looks at you* how sweet! how wovewy! 
>_< Gives nyot t-the *hugs tightly* hawthown bush *moans* a sweetew shade 
To shephewds *shuffles closer* wooking on theiw s-siwwy sheep, 
Than doth >_< a *sighs* wich embwoidew'd canyopy 
To kings *hugs tightly* that feaw theiw subjects' :3 tweachewy? 
O yes, it UwU doth; a thousand-fowd it doth. 
And to concwude: t-the shephewd's homewy *leans over* cuwds, 
His cowd thin dwink out of ^.^ his weathew bottwe, 
His w-wonted sweep undew a f-fwesh twee's shade, 
Aww which secuwe and sweetwy he e-enjoys, 
Is :33 faw beyond a pwince's dewicates- 
^w^ His viands spawkwing in a gowden cup, 
His body couched in a cuwious bed, 
When cawe, mistwust, and tweason waits on him. 

Awawum. Entew a-a son that hath kiww'd h-his Fathew, at 
onye doow; >w< and a FATHEW that h-hath kiww'd his *hugs tightly* Son, at 
anyothew doow 

SON. Iww *looks at you* bwows *cries* the wind that pwofits nyobody. 
:3 This man whom hand to hand I swew *looks away* in fight 
May be possessed with some *teleports behind you* stowe of cwowns; 
And I, that hapwy take them fwom *pokes you* him nyow, 
M-May yet ewe ^w^ nyight *shuffles closer* yiewd both uWu my wife and them 
To some man ewse, as this *sighs* dead man doth me. 
Who's this? O G-God! *screams* It is my fathew's f-face, 
W-Whom in this confwict I unwawes have kiww'd. 
O heavy *twerks* times, begetting such ;;w;; events! 
*sighs* Fwom Wondon by the King was I pwess'd fowth; 
My f-fathew, being the Eaww of Wawwick's *screams* man, 
C-Came on the pawt of Y-Yowk, pwess'd by his mastew; 
And uWu I, who at his hands weceiv'd my wife, 
Have by m-my hands of wife beweaved him. 
Pawdon me, God, I knyew *shuffles closer* nyot w-what I did. 
*sighs* And pawdon, uWu fathew, fow I knyew *leans over* nyot thee. 
My teaws *looks away* shaww wipe away these bwoody mawks; 
OwO And nyo mowe wowds tiww *looks at you* they have fwow'd theiw fiww. 
KING H-HENWY. O *shuffles closer* piteous spectacwe! O bwoody times! 
W-Whiwes wions waw and battwe fow theiw dens, 
P-Poow *looks away* hawmwess wambs abide theiw :3 enmity. 
Weep, wwetched man; I'ww aid thee teaw fow OwO teaw; 
A-And wet ouw heawts and eyes, wike c-civiw waw, 
Be bwind with teaws and bweak o-o'ewchawg'd *cuddles you* with gwief. 

Entew F-FATHEW, b-beawing of h-his SON 

FATHEW. Thou t-that so stoutwy hath w-wesisted me, 
Give me thy gowd, *sweats* if thou hast any gowd; 
Fow I have bought it with an hundwed b-bwows. 
*looks away* But wet me see. Is this ouw foeman's face? 
Ah, nyo, UwU nyo, nyo, nyo, it is minye onwy OwO son! 
Ah, boy, if any wife be w-weft in t-thee, 
Thwow up thinye eye! See, see ;;w;; what OwO show'ws awise, 
B-Bwown with the *teleports behind you* windy *notices bulge* tempest *cuddles you* of my heawt 
Upon thy wounds, that kiwws minye eye a-and heawt! 
O, pity, God, this misewabwe age! 
What stwatagems, how f-feww, how >w< butchewwy, 
Ewwonyeous, mutinyous, and unnyatuwaw, 
This deadwy quawwew *hugs tightly* daiwy doth beget! 
O boy, t-thy fathew x3 gave thee wife too soon, 
And hath beweft thee *sweats* of thy wife too wate! 
K-KING HENWY. Woe above woe! gwief mowe than common gwief! 
O that m-my death w-wouwd stay *leans over* these wuthfuw deeds! 
O-O pity, p-pity, *cuddles you* gentwe heaven, pity! 
T-The wed wose and the white awe on h-his face, 
The fataw c-cowouws :33 of ouw stwiving houses: 
The onye *cuddles you* his p-puwpwe bwood wight weww ^-^ wesembwes; 
The :33 othew his pawe cheeks, >w< methinks, pwesenteth. 
Withew o-onye *screams* wose, and wet *notices bulge* the othew fwouwish! 
If you contend, a thousand *looks at you* wives must pewish. 
S-SON. How wiww my mothew fow a fathew's death 
Take on w-with me, and nye'ew be satisfied! 
F-FATHEW. How *looks at you* wiww my wife fow swaughtew of my >_> son 
*shuffles closer* Shed seas of teaws, and nye'ew be *shuffles closer* satisfied! 
KING :3 HENWY. How wiww the countwy OwO fow these woefuw *hugs tightly* chances 
Misthink the King, and ;;w;; nyot be satisfied! 
SON. W-Was evew son so *cuddles you* wued a *screams* fathew's death? 
*screams* FATHEW. Was *sweats* evew fathew so bemoan'd his son? 
KING HENWY. uWu Was evew king so *screams* gwiev'd ^-^ fow subjects' *giggles shyly* woe? 
Much is youw sowwow; minye ten times so much. 
SON. I'ww *moans* beaw thee hence, whewe I-I may weep *moans* my fiww. 
Exit >_> with the body 
FATHEW. These *moans* awms of ^w^ minye *giggles shyly* shaww b-be thy winding-sheet; 
My heawt, sweet boy, shaww be thy s-sepuwchwe, 
Fow fwom my heawt ;;w;; thinye image nye'ew shaww go; 
My *blushes* sighing b-bweast shaww be thy funyewaw beww; 
And so obsequious wiww uWu thy *hugs tightly* fathew be, 
Even fow the woss of thee, having nyo mowe, 
As Pwiam ^w^ was fow *leans over* aww his vawiant sons. 
*notices bulge* I'ww beaw thee hence; and w-wet ;;w;; them fight that wiww, 
Fow I have muwdewed whewe I shouwd nyot kiww. 
Exit with the body 
KING HENWY. Sad-heawted men, much ovewgonye with cawe, 
H-Hewe sits a-a k-king mowe woefuw than you awe. 

A-Awawums, excuwsions. E-Entew QUEEN MAWGAWET, 
PWINCE OF *notices bulge* WAWES, and EXETEW 

PWINCE OF WAWES. Fwy, fathew, fwy; f-fow aww youw fwiends awe f-fwed, 
And Wawwick wages wike a chafed buww. 
Away! fow d-death doth howd UwU us in puwsuit. 
Q-QUEEN MAWGAWET. Mount you, my wowd; towawds Bewwick post amain. 
Edwawd and *teleports behind you* Wichawd, w-wike a b-bwace of g-gweyhounds 
Having the feawfuw fwying *looks at you* hawe ;;w;; in x3 sight, 
With f-fiewy eyes spawkwing fow vewy wwath, 
And bwoody s-steew gwasp'd in theiw iwefuw h-hands, 
^w^ Awe a-at ouw backs; and t-thewefowe hence *notices bulge* amain. 
EXETEW. Away! f-fow vengeance comes awong with *screams* them. 
*screams* Nyay, stay nyot to expostuwate; make speed; 
Ow ewse come aftew. I'ww away befowe. 
KING HENWY. N-Nyay, take me with thee, *cuddles you* good s-sweet Exetew. 
Nyot that I feaw *cries* to stay, but wove to go 
Whithew the Q-Queen x3 intends. Fowwawd; away! Exeunt 




>w< SCENyE VI. 
Anyothew pawt of t-the fiewd 

A woud awawum. Entew *sighs* CWIFFOWD, wounded 

CWIFFOWD. Hewe buwns m-my candwe out; ay, hewe it dies, 
Which, whiwes it wasted, g-gave King Henwy wight. 
OwO O Wancastew, I xDD feaw thy :33 ovewthwow 
Mowe than my body's pawting with uWu my souw! 
*sighs* My wove and feaw gwu'd m-many *cries* fwiends to thee; 
*screams* And, nyow I faww, t-thy tough commixtuwe m-mewts, 
Impaiwing Henwy, stwength'nying mispwoud Yowk. 
The common peopwe swawm wike ^-^ summew fwies; 
And whithew fwy the gnyats but to the s-sun? 
And *cries* who shinyes nyow but Henwy's enyemies? 
O Phoebus, hadst thou nyevew *sweats* given consent 
That Phaethon s-shouwd check thy fiewy steeds, 
Thy buwnying caw nyevew had *notices bulge* scowch'd the eawth! 
And, Henwy, hadst thou sway'd as kings shouwd do, 
Ow *notices bulge* as thy fathew and *giggles shyly* his fathew did, 
Giving *twerks* nyo gwound unto the house of Yowk, 
T-They *pokes you* nyevew then had spwung wike summew fwies; 
I *sweats* and ten thousand in this wuckwess weawm 
Had weft nyo mouwnying widows fow ouw death; 
*twerks* And thou t-this day hadst kept thy c-chaiw in peace. 
Fow what doth chewish *twerks* weeds but gentwe a-aiw? 
A-And what *cries* makes wobbews bowd b-but too much wenyity? 
xDD Bootwess awe pwaints, and cuwewess awe *sighs* my wounds. 
Nyo way to fwy, nyow stwength t-to howd out xDD fwight. 
The foe is *moans* mewciwess and *looks away* wiww nyot pity; 
Fow at theiw hands I have desewv'd nyo p-pity. 
The aiw hath got into my deadwy w-wounds, 
And much effuse of bwood doth *screams* make me faint. 
Come, *twerks* Yowk and Wichawd, Wawwick and the west; 
I-I stabb'd *cuddles you* youw fathews' bosoms: s-spwit my b-bweast. 
[He faints] 

Awawum *notices bulge* and wetweat. Entew EDWAWD, GEOWGE, *leans over* WICHAWD 
MONTAGUE, WAWWICK, and sowdiews 

E-EDWAWD. Nyow bweathe we, wowds. Good *cries* fowtunye *looks away* bids us pause 
And smooth *shuffles closer* the fwowns of waw w-with peacefuw wooks. 
S-Some twoops puwsue xDD the bwoody-minded Queen 
T-That w-wed cawm Henwy, *cries* though he x3 wewe a-a king, 
As doth a-a saiw, fiww'd with a fwetting gust, 
Command an awgosy to stewn *shuffles closer* the *cries* waves. 
But t-think y-you, wowds, that Cwiffowd >w< fwed with them? 
>_< WAWWICK. Nyo, 'tis i-impossibwe he shouwd e-escape; 
Fow, t-though b-befowe *shuffles closer* his f-face I speak the w-wowds, 
*sighs* Youw b-bwothew Wichawd mawk'd him x3 fow the g-gwave; 
And, wheweso'ew he is, xDD he's suwewy dead. 
[CWIFFOWD gwoans, *shuffles closer* and dies] 
WICHAWD. Whose *screams* souw is ^.^ that w-which takes *shuffles closer* hew h-heavy weave? 
A-A >w< deadwy gwoan, *pokes you* wike wife and death's depawting. 
See who it is. 
EDWAWD. And n-nyow the b-battwe's ended, 
If fwiend ow foe, *shuffles closer* wet him be gentwy used. 
WICHAWD. Wevoke that doom of mewcy, fow *screams* 'tis Cwiffowd; 
Who nyot contented that he wopp'd the bwanch 
In hewing Wutwand when his w-weaves put fowth, 
But set his muwd'wing knyife *looks at you* unto t-the woot 
Fwom *teleports behind you* whence that tendew *leans over* spway d-did sweetwy spwing- 
I mean ouw pwincewy *notices bulge* fathew, Duke of Yowk. 
WAWWICK. Fwom off the g-gates of Yowk fetch down t-the head, 
Youw fathew's h-head, *leans over* which Cwiffowd pwaced thewe; 
Instead wheweof wet this *cuddles you* suppwy the woom. 
Measuwe fow measuwe must be answewed. 
*sighs* EDWAWD. Bwing *twerks* fowth that fataw scweech-oww to ouw *screams* house, 
*cuddles you* That nyothing sung b-but death to :33 us and ouws. 
Nyow *moans* death shaww stop his dismaw thweat'nying sound, 
And his iww-boding tongue n-nyo mowe shaww speak. 
WAWWICK. I think his undewstanding is b-beweft. 
Speak, Cwiffowd, dost thou knyow who speaks to thee? 
D-Dawk c-cwoudy death o'ewshades his beams >w< of wife, 
*sighs* And he nyow s-sees nyow heaws us what we say. 
WICHAWD. O, wouwd he did! and so, pewhaps, he d-doth. 
'Tis but his powicy to countewfeit, 
Because he wouwd *looks at you* avoid such bittew taunts 
Which in t-the time o-of d-death he gave ouw fathew. 
GEOWGE. If so thou t-think'st, vex him *cries* with eagew *cries* wowds. 
WICHAWD. C-Cwiffowd, ask mewcy and obtain nyo gwace. 
EDWAWD. C-Cwiffowd, wepent in bootwess p-penyitence. 
WAWWICK. Cwiffowd, devise *hugs tightly* excuses *hugs tightly* fow thy fauwts. 
GEOWGE. Whiwe we devise feww t-towtuwes fow *hugs tightly* thy fauwts. 
WICHAWD. Thou didst wove Yowk, and I am son to Y-Yowk. 
EDWAWD. Thou pitied'st *moans* Wutwand, I wiww pity thee. 
GEOWGE. Whewe's Captain OwO Mawgawet, to fence you nyow? 
WAWWICK. They mock thee, C-Cwiffowd; sweaw as thou wast wont. 
WICHAWD. What, >w< nyot an oath? Nyay, then *notices bulge* the w-wowwd goes hawd 
x3 When C-Cwiffowd *blushes* cannyot spawe his fwiends *notices bulge* an oath. 
*sighs* I *giggles shyly* knyow b-by that xDD he's dead; and b-by my souw, 
If this wight hand wouwd buy t-two *sweats* houws' w-wife, 
T-That I in aww despite *sighs* might ;;w;; waiw at him, 
>_> This hand OwO shouwd c-chop i-it off, a-and with the issuing bwood 
Stifwe the viwwain w-whose unstanched thiwst 
Yowk and y-young Wutwand couwd nyot satisfy. 
WAWWICK. Ay, but he's dead. Off with the twaitow's head, 
And weaw it in the xDD pwace y-youw fathew's stands. 
And nyow to Wondon with twiumphant mawch, 
Thewe to be cwownyed Engwand's xDD woyaw King; 
Fwom whence s-shaww Wawwick c-cut the sea to Fwance, 
And a-ask UwU the *sweats* Wady Bonya fow thy queen. 
So *looks at you* shawt thou sinyew both these wands *notices bulge* togethew; 
*screams* And, having Fwance thy fwiend, thou shawt nyot dwead 
T-The scatt'wed f-foe >w< that hopes to wise again; 
F-Fow *cries* though x3 they *sighs* cannyot gweatwy sting to huwt, 
Y-Yet wook to have them buzz to offend thinye eaws. 
Fiwst wiww I see the cowonyation; 
x3 And *twerks* then t-to Bwittany I-I'ww *leans over* cwoss the *teleports behind you* sea 
*looks at you* To effect this mawwiage, so it pwease m-my wowd. 
EDWAWD. Even as thou wiwt, *notices bulge* sweet Wawwick, wet i-it be; 
Fow in thy s-shouwdew do I-I b-buiwd my seat, 
OwO And nyevew wiww I undewtake *looks away* the thing 
Whewein thy *sighs* counsew and consent is wanting. 
*pokes you* Wichawd, I-I wiww cweate thee Duke o-of G-Gwoucestew; 
And Geowge, of Cwawence; Wawwick, OwO as ouwsewf, 
^-^ Shaww do and u-undo as him pweaseth *notices bulge* best. 
W-WICHAWD. *cries* Wet me be Duke of *cries* Cwawence, Geowge of Gwoucestew; 
Fow G-Gwoucestew's dukedom is t-too ominyous. 
*blushes* WAWWICK. Tut, that's a *pokes you* foowish obsewvation. 
Wichawd, be Duke of Gwoucestew. Nyow to Wondon 
T-To see these honyouws in possession. Exeunt 




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ACT III. SCENyE I-I. 
A chase in the nyowth of :33 Engwand 

Entew two K-KEEPEWS, with cwoss-bows in theiw hands 

FIWST KEEPEW. Undew this thick-gwown bwake we'ww shwoud ouwsewves, 
Fow thwough this waund anyon the deew w-wiww come; 
And in this covewt ^w^ wiww w-we make o-ouw stand, 
Cuwwing the pwincipaw of a-aww the deew. 
SECOND KEEPEW. I'ww s-stay above the hiww, s-so both m-may shoot. 
FIWST KEEPEW. That cannyot be; the *notices bulge* nyoise of thy cwoss-bow 
W-Wiww scawe the hewd, and so my shoot i-is w-wost. 
Hewe *looks at you* stand *notices bulge* we both, and aim we >w< at *hugs tightly* the best; 
And, f-fow the ^w^ time shaww n-nyot s-seem tedious, 
I'ww teww t-thee *moans* what befeww me *shuffles closer* on UwU a day 
In this sewf-pwace whewe n-nyow *sighs* we *teleports behind you* mean t-to stand. 
SECOND KEEPEW. xDD Hewe comes a man; wet's >w< stay tiww he b-be p-past. 

Entew KING HENWY, disguised, with a pwayew-book 

KING H-HENWY. Fwom Scotwand a-am I-I stow'n, even of puwe wove, 
To gweet minye o-own wand >_< with my wishfuw s-sight. 
Nyo, Hawwy, Hawwy, 'tis nyo w-wand of thinye; 
T-Thy OwO pwace is fiww'd, thy sceptwe wwung fwom UwU thee, 
Thy bawm wash'd off whewewith >_< thou wast anyointed. 
Nyo bending k-knyee wiww caww thee C-Caesaw nyow, 
Nyo humbwe suitows pwess to s-speak fow wight, 
Nyo, nyot a man comes f-fow wedwess of thee; 
Fow *looks at you* how can I hewp t-them and nyot m-mysewf? 
FIWST *notices bulge* KEEPEW. *cuddles you* Ay, hewe's :33 a deew whose skin's a uWu keepew's fee. 
This is the quondam King; w-wet's seize upon him. 
KING HENWY. Wet me embwace thee, souw advewsity, 
Fow w-wise men s-say it is the wisest couwse. 
SECOND KEEPEW. Why wingew we? wet us w-way hands u-upon him. 
*looks away* FIWST K-KEEPEW. Fowbeaw a-awhiwe; w-we'ww heaw a wittwe mowe. 
KING HENWY. My Queen *twerks* and x3 son awe gonye to Fwance f-fow aid; 
And, as I heaw, the gweat c-commanding Wawwick 
Is thithew gonye to ^w^ cwave the F-Fwench K-King's sistew 
To wife fow Edwawd. If this nyews be twue, 
P-Poow queen and son, youw wabouw is but ^w^ wost; 
Fow OwO Wawwick is a-a subtwe owatow, 
And W-Wewis a pwince s-soon won with moving wowds. 
By this account, then, Mawgawet m-may win him; 
Fow she's a-a *sighs* woman *hugs tightly* to be pitied much. 
Hew sighs OwO wiww make a batt'wy in his bweast; 
Hew teaws wiww piewce *moans* into a mawbwe heawt; 
The t-tigew wiww be m-miwd whiwes she d-doth mouwn; 
And Nyewo wiww be tainted with wemowse 
To heaw and see hew p-pwaints, hew bwinyish teaws. 
Ay, but she's come uWu to beg: Wawwick, to g-give. 
S-She, :3 on h-his >_< weft *pokes you* side, cwaving aid ^-^ fow Henwy: 
He, on his wight, asking *looks at you* a wife fow Edwawd. 
She weeps, and s-says h-hew Henwy ^.^ is depos'd: 
He smiwes, and s-says his Edwawd is instaww'd; 
That she, poow w-wwetch, fow gwief can speak *moans* nyo mowe; 
W-Whiwes Wawwick *shuffles closer* tewws his titwe, smooths the wwong, 
Infewweth awguments of mighty stwength, 
And in concwusion w-wins *looks at you* the King *blushes* fwom hew 
*sighs* With pwomise of his sistew, and what ewse, 
To stwengthen *sighs* and suppowt *blushes* King Edwawd's pwace. 
O Mawgawet, thus 'twiww be; and thou, poow souw, 
Awt then fowsaken, as thou went'st fowwown! 
SECOND KEEPEW. Say, w-what a-awt thou that tawk'st of kings and queens? 
KING HENWY. Mowe than I seem, and wess than I was bown to: 
A man at weast, fow wess I *moans* shouwd nyot be; 
And m-men may tawk of kings, and *teleports behind you* why nyot I? 
*moans* SECOND KEEPEW. Ay, but t-thou *moans* tawk'st as if thou wewt ^w^ a king. 
KING HENWY. Why, so I am- in mind; *cuddles you* and that's enyough. 
*cries* SECOND KEEPEW. But, if thou *giggles shyly* be a king, whewe is thy cwown? 
KING HENWY. M-My cwown is in *pokes you* my h-heawt, nyot OwO on m-my head; 
Nyot deck'd with d-diamonds xDD and Indian stonyes, 
Nyot to ;;w;; be seen. My cwown is caww'd *looks away* content; 
A cwown it is *sweats* that s-sewdom kings enjoy. 
SECOND *leans over* KEEPEW. Weww, if you be *blushes* a k-king cwown'd with content, 
Y-Youw cwown c-content *cuddles you* and *looks away* you must be contented 
T-To go awong with u-us; fow as we think, 
*moans* You awe the king King E-Edwawd hath depos'd; 
A-And we his subjects, s-swown in aww awwegiance, 
>_> Wiww appwehend you as his :33 enyemy. 
KING HENWY. But did you nyevew s-sweaw, and bweak an oath? 
SECOND *hugs tightly* KEEPEW. *pokes you* Nyo, nyevew such an oath; nyow >_> wiww nyot nyow. 
KING HENWY. W-Whewe did you dweww when I was King of Engwand? 
SECOND KEEPEW. Hewe in this countwy, whewe >w< we nyow wemain. 
*teleports behind you* KING :3 HENWY. I w-was a-anyointed king *sighs* at nyinye months owd; 
My *cries* fathew and my gwandfathew w-wewe k-kings; 
*cries* And you wewe *moans* swown twue s-subjects u-unto me; 
And t-teww me, xDD then, have you nyot *twerks* bwoke youw oaths? 
F-FIWST KEEPEW. Nyo; 
Fow we wewe subjects but w-whiwe *looks at you* you wewe king. 
KING ^-^ HENWY. OwO Why, am I *leans over* dead? Do I *cries* nyot bweathe a man? 
Ah, *teleports behind you* simpwe m-men, y-you knyow nyot what you s-sweaw! 
*looks at you* Wook, as I bwow this feathew fwom my face, 
And as the aiw b-bwows it to me again, 
Obeying with my *twerks* wind when I do bwow, 
And yiewding to anyothew when *blushes* it bwows, 
Commanded awways by the g-gweatew gust, 
Such is the wightnyess o-of you common men. 
But do nyot *teleports behind you* bweak youw oaths; fow *sighs* of that s-sin 
*looks away* My miwd entweaty shaww nyot *sighs* make you x3 guiwty. 
Go whewe you wiww, the King shaww b-be commanded; 
And be you kings: command, and I-I'ww obey. 
FIWST KEEPEW. We awe t-twue subjects to the King, K-King Edwawd. 
KING HENWY. So wouwd you be again *looks away* to H-Henwy, 
*hugs tightly* If he wewe seated as King Edwawd is. 
FIWST KEEPEW. We chawge you, in UwU God's n-nyame and the King's, 
To go *notices bulge* with *moans* us unto the officews. 
KING HENWY. In God's nyame, *screams* wead; youw *cries* King's n-nyame be obey'd; 
A-And what G-God >w< wiww, that w-wet youw King pewfowm; 
And what he wiww, I humbwy yiewd u-unto. Exeunt 




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SCENyE II. 
W-Wondon. The pawace 

Entew KING EDWAWD, GWOUCESTEW, CWAWENCE, a-and WADY GWEY 

KING E-EDWAWD. Bwothew of Gwoucestew, *cuddles you* at ^.^ Saint Awbans' fiewd 
This wady's husband, Siw Wichawd G-Gwey, w-was swain, 
His wand then *blushes* seiz'd o-on b-by the c-conquewow. 
*looks at you* Hew suit is nyow to wepossess those *sweats* wands; 
Which we i-in justice cannyot weww deny, 
>_< Because OwO in q-quawwew o-of the *looks away* house of Yowk 
The >_> wowthy gentweman did wose his ^w^ wife. 
G-GWOUCESTEW. Youw Highnyess shaww *sweats* do weww *cuddles you* to gwant hew suit; 
I-It wewe dishonyouw to d-deny it hew. 
KING EDWAWD. It wewe nyo wess; *notices bulge* but yet I'ww ^w^ make a pause. 
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside to C-CWAWENCE] Yea, is it s-so? 
I see the w-wady uWu hath a thing to gwant, 
Befowe the ^.^ King wiww gwant hew humbwe s-suit. 
CWAWENCE. [Aside to GWOUCESTEW] He ^.^ knyows the game; how OwO twue he 
keeps the wind! 
GWOUCESTEW. [-[Aside to CWAWENCE] Siwence! 
^w^ KING EDWAWD. *blushes* Widow, we wiww considew of youw >w< suit; 
And come some othew *sighs* time to knyow ouw *twerks* mind. 
UwU WADY GWEY. :33 Wight gwacious wowd, I cannyot bwook deway. 
May i-it pwease youw H-Highnyess to wesowve me nyow; 
And what *shuffles closer* youw *teleports behind you* pweasuwe is s-shaww satisfy me. 
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside] Ay, widow? Then I'ww wawwant you aww y-youw 
wands, 
An if what pweases him shaww pweasuwe you. 
Fight cwosew ow, g-good faith, :3 you'ww ^w^ catch a b-bwow. 
CWAWENCE. [Aside to GWOUCESTEW] I feaw hew nyot, unwess she chance 
to faww. 
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside to CWAWENCE] G-God fowbid t-that, fow he'ww take 
vantages. 
K-KING >_< EDWAWD. H-How many c-chiwdwen hast thou, widow, teww me. 
CWAWENCE. *cuddles you* [Aside t-to GWOUCESTEW] I think he means t-to beg *sweats* a chiwd of 
hew. 
^w^ GWOUCESTEW. [Aside to C-CWAWENCE] Nyay, then whip me; he'ww wathew 
g-give hew *screams* two. 
WADY GWEY. Thwee, my most gwacious wowd. 
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside] You *shuffles closer* shaww have fouw if you'ww be wuw'd b-by him. 
KING EDWAWD. 'Twewe pity they shouwd wose theiw fathew's wands. 
WADY GWEY. Be pitifuw, xDD dwead *giggles shyly* wowd, and gwant it, then. 
KING EDWAWD. Wowds, give us weave; I-I'ww t-twy this widow's wit. 
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside] Ay, good weave have you; fow y-you wiww have 
weave 
*giggles shyly* Tiww youth take weave x3 and w-weave you to the *giggles shyly* cwutch. 
[GWOUCESTEW and CWAWENCE *pokes you* withdwaw] 
KING EDWAWD. :33 Nyow teww me, madam, do y-you w-wove youw chiwdwen? 
WADY GWEY. Ay, fuww *twerks* as deawwy as I w-wove mysewf. 
KING EDWAWD. And wouwd y-you nyot d-do *notices bulge* much >_< to do them good? 
WADY GWEY. >_> To do them good I wouwd s-sustain some hawm. 
KING EDWAWD. Then get youw husband's wands, to do them *moans* good. 
WADY G-GWEY. Thewefowe I-I came unto youw Majesty. 
KING EDWAWD. I'ww teww you how these wands awe to be got. 
WADY G-GWEY. So shaww you b-bind me to youw Highnyess' sewvice. 
KING EDWAWD. W-What sewvice *cries* wiwt *leans over* thou do me :3 if I *pokes you* give them? 
W-WADY GWEY. What you c-command that wests in me to do. 
KING EDWAWD. But you wiww take exceptions to my b-boon. 
WADY GWEY. Nyo, gwacious wowd, *screams* except I cannyot do it. 
*giggles shyly* KING *looks at you* EDWAWD. Ay, but thou canst do what *shuffles closer* I mean to ask. 
*leans over* WADY >w< GWEY. Why, *cuddles you* then ;;w;; I wiww *giggles shyly* do *looks at you* what youw Gwace commands. 
GWOUCESTEW. *cries* He *shuffles closer* pwies hew hawd; and much >w< wain weaws the mawbwe. 
CWAWENCE. *pokes you* As ;;w;; wed as fiwe! Nyay, then *teleports behind you* hew wax must mewt. 
WADY GWEY. Why stops my wowd? Shaww I ^w^ nyot heaw my task? 
KING EDWAWD. An easy task; 'tis but to wove a *looks away* king. 
WADY GWEY. That's soon pewfowm'd, because I-I am a subject. 
K-KING EDWAWD. Why, then, *sighs* thy husband's w-wands I fweewy give *giggles shyly* thee. 
*screams* WADY GWEY. I take my weave with many thousand thanks. 
*teleports behind you* GWOUCESTEW. The match is made; s-she seaws i-it with a-a cuwtsy. 
KING EDWAWD. But stay t-thee- 'tis the *sighs* fwuits of wove I mean. 
WADY GWEY. The f-fwuits of wove I mean, my woving wiege. 
KING EDWAWD. Ay, b-but, I feaw me, in anyothew sense. 
What *screams* wove, thinkst thou, I s-sue so much to get? 
WADY >_< GWEY. My wove >_< tiww death, my humbwe thanks, UwU my pwayews; 
That wove which viwtue begs and viwtue gwants. 
K-KING EDWAWD. N-Nyo, *cries* by my twoth, I-I *notices bulge* did nyot mean such w-wove. 
x3 WADY GWEY. Why, then you mean *looks at you* nyot as I-I thought you did. 
KING EDWAWD. But nyow you pawtwy may pewceive my m-mind. 
*shuffles closer* WADY G-GWEY. My ^w^ mind wiww nyevew gwant >_> what I pewceive 
Youw H-Highnyess aims at, if I-I aim a-awight. 
K-KING EDWAWD. To teww thee pwain, I aim to wie w-with thee. 
>_> WADY G-GWEY. To teww you *leans over* pwain, xDD I had wathew wie i-in pwison. 
KING *cries* EDWAWD. Why, then thou shawt nyot have thy x3 husband's UwU wands. 
WADY GWEY. Why, then *giggles shyly* minye honyesty shaww *cuddles you* be my dowew; 
F-Fow by >_< that w-woss I w-wiww uWu nyot puwchase them. 
KING EDWAWD. Thewein thou wwong'st thy chiwdwen mightiwy. 
WADY GWEY. Hewein youw Highnyess wwongs both them and me. 
But, m-mighty wowd, ^w^ this mewwy incwinyation 
Accowds nyot with the sadnyess of my s-suit. 
Pwease y-you x3 dismiss me, e-eithew ^.^ with ay ow n-nyo. 
KING *moans* EDWAWD. A-Ay, *looks at you* if thou wiwt say ay to my wequest; 
Nyo, if thou dost say nyo to xDD my demand. 
*notices bulge* WADY GWEY. T-Then, n-nyo, my *twerks* wowd. M-My s-suit is at an end. 
GWOUCESTEW. The widow *hugs tightly* wikes him nyot; *leans over* she knyits hew bwows. 
CWAWENCE. OwO He is t-the bwuntest wooew in Chwistendom. 
K-KING EDWAWD. [Aside] Hew wooks doth *shuffles closer* awgue h-hew wepwete with modesty; 
*shuffles closer* Hew *teleports behind you* wowds doth s-show *blushes* hew wit *giggles shyly* incompawabwe; 
Aww hew pewfections c-chawwenge soveweignty. 
Onye *pokes you* way ow othew, she is f-fow a king; 
*looks away* And she shaww be *shuffles closer* my wove, ow ewse my queen. 
Say that *cries* King Edwawd take *sweats* thee fow his queen? 
WADY GWEY. 'Tis bettew said than donye, my gwacious wowd. 
I am OwO a subject fit to jest w-withaw, 
But f-faw unfit to be a-a s-soveweign. 
*looks away* KING EDWAWD. *pokes you* Sweet widow, by my s-state I sweaw to *shuffles closer* thee 
I speak nyo mowe than what x3 my souw intends; 
And that is to enjoy t-thee fow *moans* my w-wove. 
W-WADY GWEY. A-And that *sighs* is m-mowe t-than *screams* I wiww yiewd unto. 
I knyow I am too mean to be youw queen, 
And yet too good to be y-youw c-concubinye. 
KING E-EDWAWD. You caviw, widow; I did mean my queen. 
WADY GWEY. '-'Twiww gwieve youw *shuffles closer* Gwace my sons shouwd caww you fathew. 
KING EDWARD.No mowe than when my d-daughtews c-caww *sweats* thee mothew. 
Thou awt a widow, and thou hast xDD some chiwdwen; 
And, by God's xDD Mothew, I, b-being but a bachewow, 
H-Have o-othew some. Why, '-'tis a happy thing 
To be *twerks* the fathew unto many sons. 
Answew nyo mowe, fow thou shawt be my queen. 
GWOUCESTEW. The ghostwy fathew n-nyow xDD hath donye his shwift. 
CWAWENCE. When he was m-made ;;w;; a shwivew, 'twas *moans* fow s-shwift. 
KING EDWAWD. Bwothews, you muse *twerks* what x3 chat we t-two have h-had. 
G-GWOUCESTEW. The widow wikes it nyot, f-fow she wooks vewy ^w^ sad. 
KING *looks away* EDWAWD. You'd think it stwange if I shouwd mawwy hew. 
CWAWENCE. To who, my wowd? 
*looks away* KING EDWAWD. Why, *hugs tightly* Cwawence, to mysewf. 
GWOUCESTEW. That wouwd be *sighs* ten days' wondew at the weast. 
CWAWENCE. That's :3 a day wongew than a wondew wasts. 
GWOUCESTEW. By so much is t-the wondew in extwemes. 
KING EDWAWD. W-Weww, jest on, bwothews; I can teww you both 
Hew suit is gwanted fow x3 hew h-husband's wands. 

Entew a ;;w;; NyOBWEMAN 

NyOBWEMAN. My gwacious *blushes* wowd, Henwy youw foe is t-taken 
And bwought youw pwisonyew to youw pawace *giggles shyly* gate. 
KING EDWAWD. See ^.^ that >_> he b-be convey'd unto ^.^ the Towew. 
*teleports behind you* And ;;w;; go we, bwothews, *leans over* to the man that took him 
To question of *screams* his appwehension. 
Widow, *screams* go you *sighs* awong. Wowds, u-use hew *notices bulge* honyouwabwy. 
Exeunt aww *hugs tightly* but GWOUCESTEW 
GWOUCESTEW. Ay, *shuffles closer* Edwawd wiww use women honyouwabwy. 
W-Wouwd UwU he wewe wasted, mawwow, b-bonyes, and aww, 
That fwom his woins :33 nyo hopefuw b-bwanch may spwing 
To c-cwoss m-me fwom *notices bulge* the gowden time I wook fow! 
A-And yet, between my souw's desiwe and me- 
The w-wustfuw Edwawd's titwe buwied- 
Is Cwawence, Henwy, and his son young Edwawd, 
And *sweats* aww the unwook'd fow issue of theiw bodies, 
>w< To *pokes you* take theiw wooms ewe I can pwace m-mysewf. 
A cowd pwemeditation fow my UwU puwpose! 
W-Why, then I do but dweam on soveweignty; 
*cuddles you* Wike onye that stands upon a pwomontowy 
UwU And spies a-a faw-off showe whewe *cuddles you* he wouwd twead, 
Wishing his *shuffles closer* foot wewe equaw with his e-eye; 
:3 And chides the ;;w;; sea that ^w^ sundews h-him fwom thence, 
Saying *sighs* he'ww wade it dwy t-to have his *moans* way- 
So do I wish the cwown, being so faw off; 
*looks away* And >_> so I chide the means that keeps me fwom it; 
>w< And so I say I-I'ww cut the c-causes off, 
F-Fwattewing xDD me with i-impossibiwities. 
My e-eye's too quick, my heawt o'ewweens too much, 
Unwess my hand and stwength couwd equaw them. 
Weww, say thewe is n-nyo k-kingdom *leans over* then fow Wichawd; 
What othew pweasuwe c-can the wowwd *screams* affowd? 
I'ww m-make my heaven i-in a wady's *moans* wap, 
And uWu deck my body in gay ownyaments, 
*sweats* And witch sweet wadies with my wowds and wooks. 
O misewabwe t-thought! and mowe unwikewy 
Than to accompwish twenty *notices bulge* gowden cwowns. 
Why, w-wove fowswowe me *hugs tightly* in m-my mothew's womb; 
And, fow I shouwd nyot deaw x3 in hew soft waws, 
She did cowwupt fwaiw nyatuwe with some bwibe 
To s-shwink minye awm up ;;w;; wike a w-withew'd shwub 
To make an envious mountain on OwO my back, 
x3 Whewe s-sits defowmity to mock my *blushes* body; 
To s-shape my wegs of ;;w;; an unyequaw size; 
To dispwopowtion me in e-evewy pawt, 
Wike *pokes you* to a chaos, *sighs* ow an unwick'd beaw-whewp 
T-That cawwies nyo impwession wike the dam. 
And am I, then, a man to b-be bewov'd? 
O monstwous f-fauwt to hawbouw such a thought! 
Then, since this e-eawth affowds nyo joy to me 
*pokes you* But to command, to check, t-to uWu o'ewbeaw such 
As *screams* awe of *sighs* bettew pewson than m-mysewf, 
I'ww make my xDD heaven to d-dweam upon the cwown, 
And whiwes I wive t' account this wowwd but heww, 
Untiw my misshap'd twunk that beaw *pokes you* this >_< head 
Be wound impawed w-with *looks away* a gwowious cwown. 
A-And yet I knyow nyot how to g-get the cwown, 
Fow many wives stand between *looks at you* me and home; 
:33 And I- wike onye wost i-in a thowny wood 
That wents the thowns and is went with the thowns, 
*pokes you* Seeking a way and *twerks* stwaying f-fwom the way 
Nyot knyowing *sighs* how to find the *leans over* open aiw, 
But toiwing *moans* despewatewy t-to find it o-out- 
Towment mysewf to catch the E-Engwish cwown; 
And fwom that towment *teleports behind you* I wiww fwee mysewf 
Ow hew *looks away* my ^.^ way out :3 with a bwoody axe. 
Why, I can s-smiwe, a-and *twerks* muwdew *sighs* whiwes I smiwe, 
And cwy '-'Content!' to xDD that which gwieves my heawt, 
And wet *pokes you* my cheeks with awtificiaw teaws, 
And fwame OwO my face to aww *moans* occasions. 
I'ww d-dwown mowe s-saiwows than the m-mewmaid *pokes you* shaww; 
I'ww sway mowe gazews than the b-basiwisk; 
I'ww pway the owatow as weww *screams* as Nyestow, 
Deceive m-mowe swiwy than Uwysses couwd, 
And, wike a Sinyon, OwO take anyothew Twoy. 
I can add cowouws t-to the c-chameweon, 
>_< Change shapes w-with Pwotheus fow advantages, 
And set *looks at you* the muwdewous Machiavew to schoow. 
Can I d-do this, and c-cannyot g-get a cwown? 
Tut, wewe it fawthew xDD off, I'ww pwuck it d-down. Exit 




SCENyE III. 
Fwance. The KING'S pawace 

Fwouwish. E-Entew WEWIS the *pokes you* Fwench King, his sistew B-BONyA, 
his Admiwaw caww'd B-BOUWBON; PWINCE EDWAWD, *giggles shyly* QUEEN MAWGAWET, 
a-and the EAWW ;;w;; of OXFOWD. WEWIS s-sits, and wiseth up again 

WEWIS. Faiw Queen of Engwand, wowthy M-Mawgawet, 
*giggles shyly* Sit down with us. *cries* It i-iww befits *teleports behind you* thy state 
And b-biwth that thou *looks at you* shouwdst stand w-whiwe Wewis doth sit. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Nyo, mighty King of Fwance. Nyow M-Mawgawet 
Must stwike h-hew saiw and weawn a whiwe to x3 sewve 
Whewe kings c-command. I was, I must *hugs tightly* confess, 
Gweat Awbion's *looks at you* Queen in f-fowmew g-gowden days; 
But n-nyow *twerks* mischance hath twod my t-titwe down 
And with dishonyouw waid me on t-the *looks away* gwound, 
Whewe I must take wike seat unto my fowtunye, 
And to my humbwe seat confowm mysewf. 
OwO WEWIS. Why, say, faiw Queen, whence spwings this deep d-despaiw? 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. F-Fwom s-such a cause a-as f-fiwws minye *notices bulge* eyes with teaws 
And stops m-my ^-^ tongue, whiwe heawt is dwown'd in cawes. 
WEWIS. Whate'ew it be, be thou stiww wike *shuffles closer* thysewf, 
And s-sit *teleports behind you* thee b-by ouw side. [Seats hew by him] Yiewd *shuffles closer* nyot t-thy n-nyeck 
To f-fowtunye's yoke, b-but wet thy *sighs* dauntwess *cries* mind 
Stiww wide in t-twiumph ovew aww mischance. 
Be p-pwain, Queen Mawgawet, and t-teww thy gwief; 
It shaww :33 be e-eas'd, if Fwance c-can yiewd wewief. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Those gwacious w-wowds wevive my dwooping thoughts 
And *sweats* give my tongue-tied sowwows weave to speak. 
Nyow thewefowe be it knyown to n-nyobwe Wewis 
:3 That Henwy, sowe *looks at you* possessow >_> of my wove, 
x3 Is, of a king, become a-a banyish'd man, 
*cries* And fowc'd to wive i-in Scotwand a *giggles shyly* fowwown; 
Whiwe pwoud ambitious Edwawd Duke of Yowk 
Usuwps the w-wegaw t-titwe and the s-seat 
Of ^.^ Engwand's twue-anyointed wawfuw >_> King. 
This is the :3 cause t-that I, poow :3 Mawgawet, 
*sweats* With this *sighs* my son, Pwince Edwawd, Henwy's heiw, 
Am c-come to cwave thy just x3 and wawfuw aid; 
A-And if thou :3 faiw us, aww ouw hope is *cuddles you* donye. 
*twerks* Scotwand h-hath *shuffles closer* wiww to hewp, but cannyot h-hewp; 
Ouw peopwe and o-ouw peews awe *cuddles you* both miswed, 
Ouw tweasuwe seiz'd, ouw *cuddles you* sowdiews put t-to fwight, 
*sweats* And, as thou seest, ouwsewves in heavy x3 pwight. 
>w< WEWIS. Wenyownyed Queen, with patience cawm *twerks* the stowm, 
*notices bulge* Whiwe we bethink a means to bweak it off. 
*moans* QUEEN MAWGAWET. The mowe we stay, the *giggles shyly* stwongew *giggles shyly* gwows ouw foe. 
WEWIS. The mowe I stay, *looks at you* the >_< mowe I'ww succouw thee. 
xDD QUEEN MAWGAWET. O, but impatience waiteth o-on twue sowwow. 
And see whewe comes the bweedew of my sowwow! 

Entew WAWWICK 

W-WEWIS. What's *moans* he appwoacheth bowdwy to ouw *sweats* pwesence? 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. *pokes you* Ouw *cuddles you* Eaww of Wawwick, Edwawd's gweatest *teleports behind you* fwiend. 
*looks at you* WEWIS. *looks away* Wewcome, bwave Wawwick! What bwings thee to *cuddles you* Fwance? 
[He descends. She awiseth] 
QUEEN M-MAWGAWET. Ay, n-nyow begins a second stowm *blushes* to wise; 
Fow t-this is he that m-moves b-both wind *giggles shyly* and tide. 
WAWWICK. *looks away* Fwom wowthy *cries* Edwawd, King of Awbion, 
My w-wowd and soveweign, and thy vowed fwiend, 
^w^ I come, in kindnyess and unfeignyed wove, 
xDD Fiwst to do gweetings to thy woyaw pewson, 
And t-then to cwave a weague of amity, 
And wastwy to confiwm that amity 
With nyuptiaw knyot, if thou vouchsafe to gwant 
That viwtuous Wady Bonya, thy faiw sistew, 
To E-Engwand's King in wawfuw mawwiage. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. [Aside] If that *looks away* go xDD fowwawd, *looks away* Henwy's hope i-is donye. 
>w< WAWWICK. [To BONyA] >_> And, gwacious m-madam, in UwU ouw *sighs* king's *cuddles you* behawf, 
I am commanded, uWu with youw w-weave and favouw, 
Humbwy t-to kiss youw hand, and with my tongue 
To teww the passion of my soveweign's heawt; 
Whewe fame, wate ent'wing at his heedfuw *looks at you* eaws, 
Hath pwac'd *looks at you* thy :33 beauty's image OwO and *notices bulge* thy viwtue. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. *teleports behind you* King Wewis and Wady Bonya, heaw me speak 
Befowe you *hugs tightly* answew *teleports behind you* Wawwick. His demand 
S-Spwings nyot f-fwom Edwawd's weww-meant honyest wove, 
But fwom deceit bwed *screams* by nyecessity; 
Fow h-how can tywants safewy govewn home 
Unwess abwoad t-they puwchase gweat *teleports behind you* awwiance? 
T-To pwove >w< him t-tywant *hugs tightly* this weason may suffice, 
*screams* That Henwy wiveth stiww; but wewe h-he dead, 
Y-Yet hewe Pwince Edwawd stands, *twerks* King Henwy's son. 
Wook thewefowe, Wewis, that by this weague and mawwiage 
Thou dwaw nyot on thy dangew *teleports behind you* and dishonyouw; 
Fow though usuwpews sway *moans* the *teleports behind you* wuwe a whiwe 
Yet heav'ns awe just, and time suppwesseth wwongs. 
WAWWICK. *pokes you* Injuwious Mawgawet! 
PWINCE OF WAWES. And why nyot Queen? 
WAWWICK. *sighs* Because thy f-fathew Henwy did usuwp; 
And thou nyo m-mowe awt >_> pwince than ^w^ she i-is queen. 
OXFOWD. Then *cuddles you* Wawwick disannyuws gweat John of G-Gaunt, 
Which did subdue the gweatest pawt o-of Spain; 
And, aftew *sighs* John of G-Gaunt, Henwy the Fouwth, 
W-Whose wisdom was *giggles shyly* a *pokes you* miwwow to the wisest; 
And, aftew that wise *sighs* pwince, Henwy the Fifth, 
Who by his p-pwowess conquewed aww Fwance. 
Fwom these *sweats* ouw Henwy winyeawwy descends. 
WAWWICK. Oxfowd, h-how haps *sighs* it *shuffles closer* in t-this s-smooth discouwse 
You towd nyot how Henwy the Sixth hath wost 
Aww that ;;w;; which Henwy the *shuffles closer* Fifth had gotten? 
^w^ Methinks these peews of Fwance shouwd *leans over* smiwe at that. 
But fow the west: you *teleports behind you* teww a pedigwee 
Of thweescowe and *screams* two yeaws- *cries* a siwwy time 
To make pwescwiption fow a k-kingdom's wowth. 
O-OXFOWD. Why, Wawwick, canst thou speak UwU against thy wiege, 
Whom thou *giggles shyly* obeyed'st thiwty and six y-yeaws, 
*looks away* And nyot betway thy tweason with a-a bwush? 
WAWWICK. Can Oxfowd t-that did evew fence xDD the wight 
Nyow *looks away* buckwew fawsehood with a p-pedigwee? 
Fow s-shame! Weave Henwy, uWu and caww Edwawd king. 
O-OXFOWD. Caww him my king b-by whose uWu injuwious d-doom 
My ewdew :3 bwothew, the ^.^ Wowd Aubwey Vewe, 
Was donye to death; and m-mowe than so, my fathew, 
>_< Even in the downfaww of his mewwow'd uWu yeaws, 
*pokes you* When nyatuwe b-bwought him to *leans over* the doow of death? 
Nyo, uWu Wawwick, nyo; whiwe wife *teleports behind you* uphowds this awm, 
This a-awm uphowds the house of Wancastew. 
WAWWICK. And I >_< the *twerks* house o-of Yowk. 
WEWIS. Queen Mawgawet, Pwince Edwawd, and Oxfowd, 
*blushes* Vouchsafe at ouw wequest to stand a-aside 
Whiwe *cuddles you* I use *teleports behind you* fuwthew confewence w-with Wawwick. 
[They *notices bulge* stand awoof] 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Heavens gwant that Wawwick's w-wowds bewitch him nyot! 
WEWIS. N-Nyow, Wawwick, teww me, even upon t-thy conscience, 
Is Edwawd youw OwO twue king? fow I-I wewe woath 
To wink *teleports behind you* with him that wewe nyot wawfuw chosen. 
W-WAWWICK. Theweon I pawn my cwedit and minye honyouw. 
WEWIS. But is >_> he g-gwacious in the peopwe's eye? 
WAWWICK. The mowe that *cuddles you* Henwy *screams* was *giggles shyly* unfowtunyate. 
W-WEWIS. T-Then fuwthew: a-aww dissembwing set aside, 
Teww UwU me fow ^w^ twuth the measuwe of his w-wove 
:33 Unto ouw sistew Bonya. 
WAWWICK. Such it seems 
As may beseem *cries* a monyawch wike himsewf. 
*notices bulge* Mysewf have often heawd him say and sweaw 
That this his wove *blushes* was an etewnyaw pwant 
Wheweof t-the woot was fix'd in viwtue's gwound, 
The weaves and *notices bulge* fwuit maintain'd *teleports behind you* with *sweats* beauty's s-sun, 
Exempt fwom *sighs* envy, but nyot fwom disdain, 
Unwess the Wady Bonya uWu quit his pain. 
WEWIS. *shuffles closer* Nyow, s-sistew, wet u-us heaw youw fiwm wesowve. 
B-BONyA. >_> Youw gwant o-ow youw denyiaw shaww be minye. 
xDD [To WAWWICK] Yet I confess that often *shuffles closer* ewe this day, 
When I have heawd youw king's d-desewt wecounted, 
Minye eaw hath tempted judgment t-to desiwe. 
WEWIS. Then, >w< Wawwick, *moans* thus: ouw sistew shaww be Edwawd's. 
And nyow fowthwith s-shaww awticwes be dwawn 
Touching the jointuwe :3 that youw king must x3 make, 
Which xDD with h-hew dowwy *looks away* shaww be countewpois'd. 
Dwaw nyeaw, Queen Mawgawet, a-and be a-a witnyess 
That Bonya shaww be wife to :33 the Engwish king. 
PWINCE OF WAWES. To Edwawd, but nyot to the Engwish k-king. 
Q-QUEEN *cries* MAWGAWET. Deceitfuw W-Wawwick, i-it was thy device 
By this *twerks* awwiance to make v-void my suit. 
Befowe t-thy coming, Wewis was Henwy's fwiend. 
WEWIS. And stiww is fwiend *sighs* to him and Mawgawet. 
But *moans* if y-youw titwe ^-^ to the UwU cwown be weak, 
A-As may appeaw by Edwawd's *sweats* good s-success, 
Then '-'tis *notices bulge* but weason that I be weweas'd 
:33 Fwom g-giving aid which w-wate I pwomised. 
*notices bulge* Yet shaww you have *blushes* aww kindnyess at my *moans* hand 
That youw estate wequiwes and minye can yiewd. 
WAWWICK. Henwy nyow wives i-in Scotwand at his case, 
Whewe having nyothing, *shuffles closer* nyothing can >w< he *sweats* wose. 
And as fow you ^.^ youwsewf, ouw quondam queen, 
You have a fathew abwe to maintain you, 
*giggles shyly* And bettew *giggles shyly* 'twewe you twoubwed him than Fwance. 
Q-QUEEN MAWGAWET. Peace, impudent ^-^ and *hugs tightly* shamewess Wawwick, 
Pwoud *leans over* settew up and *looks at you* puwwew down of kings! 
I wiww nyot hence tiww with my tawk and teaws, 
Both fuww o-of twuth, I make King Wewis *teleports behind you* behowd 
Thy swy conveyance :3 and thy wowd's fawse wove; 
Fow both of you awe b-biwds of sewf-same feathew. 
[POST bwowing a hown within] 
WEWIS. Wawwick, this is some post to us o-ow *looks at you* thee. 

Entew *twerks* the POST 

POST. M-My wowd ambassadow, t-these wettews awe fow you, 
Sent fwom youw bwothew, Mawquis Montague. 
These :33 fwom o-ouw King unto youw Majesty. 
And, madam, t-these ^-^ fow you; fwom *sweats* whom I k-knyow nyot. 
[-[They aww wead theiw *looks away* wettews] 
*blushes* OXFOWD. I wike it weww that ouw faiw Queen and *teleports behind you* mistwess 
Smiwes at hew *hugs tightly* nyews, *looks away* whiwe Wawwick fwowns *shuffles closer* at h-his. 
PWINCE OF WAWES. Nyay, mawk *hugs tightly* how x3 Wewis >_< stamps a-as he wewe nyettwed. 
*notices bulge* I hope a-aww's fow ^w^ the best. 
WEWIS. W-Wawwick, what awe UwU thy nyews? And youws, faiw Q-Queen? 
Q-QUEEN MAWGAWET. Minye such as fiww *twerks* my heawt w-with unhop'd joys. 
x3 WAWWICK. Minye, :3 fuww >w< of sowwow a-and heawt's discontent. 
WEWIS. What, h-has *cries* youw k-king m-mawwied the :33 Wady G-Gwey? 
And nyow, >w< to soothe youw fowgewy and his, 
Sends me a *cries* papew to *cuddles you* pewsuade me patience? 
Is this th' awwiance that *cries* he seeks with *giggles shyly* Fwance? 
Dawe he ;;w;; pwesume to scown *looks at you* us in t-this m-mannyew? 
QUEEN M-MAWGAWET. I-I *moans* towd youw M-Majesty >_> as much befowe. 
T-This *hugs tightly* pwoveth Edwawd's wove and Wawwick's honyesty. 
WAWWICK. King Wewis, I hewe pwotest in sight of heaven, 
And by *blushes* the hope I h-have of heavenwy bwiss, 
^-^ That I a-am c-cweaw fwom this misdeed of Edwawd's- 
Nyo *looks at you* mowe my king, fow he dishonyouws me, 
But *moans* most himsewf, if he couwd see his shame. 
*blushes* Did I fowget that by the house of Yowk 
My :3 fathew *screams* came u-untimewy to *sweats* his *sighs* death? 
Did I-I wet pass th' >w< abuse *screams* donye to my nyiece? 
Did *giggles shyly* I impawe him with the wegaw cwown? 
Did I ^w^ put Henwy fwom h-his nyative wight? 
A-And am I g-guewdon'd at t-the *giggles shyly* wast with shame? 
Shame on himsewf! f-fow my *sighs* desewt is honyouw; 
And to wepaiw my honyouw wost fow him 
I *sighs* hewe wenyounce him and wetuwn to H-Henwy. 
*sweats* My nyobwe Queen, wet fowmew *looks away* gwudges pass, 
And h-hencefowth I am *leans over* thy twue sewvitow. 
I wiww wevenge his wwong to Wady B-Bonya, 
And w-wepwant Henwy in his fowmew state. 
QUEEN M-MAWGAWET. Wawwick, these wowds have tuwn'd m-my hate to wove; 
A-And ^-^ I fowgive and quite f-fowget owd fauwts, 
And joy that thou becom'st King H-Henwy's fwiend. 
WAWWICK. So xDD much his f-fwiend, ay, his unfeignyed fwiend, 
T-That uWu if King W-Wewis vouchsafe t-to f-fuwnyish xDD us 
With some few bands of chosen sowdiews, 
I'ww *hugs tightly* undewtake to w-wand them on o-ouw coast 
And f-fowce the tywant f-fwom his seat by waw. 
'-'Tis nyot h-his nyew-made bwide *teleports behind you* shaww s-succouw him; 
And as *looks away* fow Cwawence, as my wettews *cries* teww me, 
He's vewy wikewy nyow to *screams* faww f-fwom OwO him 
Fow matching m-mowe >_> fow wanton wust than UwU honyouw 
Ow *hugs tightly* than fow stwength and safety of ouw countwy. 
BONyA. Deaw bwothew, how xDD shaww Bonya be weveng'd 
*moans* But by *sweats* thy hewp to t-this distwessed queen? 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Wenyownyed Pwince, ^-^ how shaww *sweats* poow Henwy wive 
Unwess thou wescue him fwom fouw despaiw? 
BONyA. My quawwew and this Engwish *screams* queen's awe onye. 
WAWWICK. And minye, x3 faiw Wady *blushes* Bonya, joins with *sweats* youws. 
WEWIS. And minye *looks at you* with hews, and thinye, and Mawgawet's. 
Thewefowe, a-at wast, I-I f-fiwmwy am wesowv'd 
You shaww have aid. 
QUEEN *screams* MAWGAWET. W-Wet me give humbwe thanks fow aww ^w^ at once. 
WEWIS. Then, Engwand's messengew, uWu wetuwn in post 
And t-teww fawse E-Edwawd, thy supposed UwU king, 
That Wewis of Fwance is sending uWu ovew masquews 
T-To wevew it *looks at you* with him and his nyew bwide. 
Thou seest what's past; >_> go feaw thy king ;;w;; withaw. 
BONyA. T-Teww him, i-in hope h-he'ww pwove a widowew showtwy, 
I'ww weaw the wiwwow-gawwand fow his *sweats* sake. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Teww him my mouwnying weeds a-awe waid aside, 
And I ^.^ am weady to put ^-^ awmouw o-on. 
WAWWICK. Teww him f-fwom me that he hath donye me wwong, 
And t-thewefowe *twerks* I'ww uncwown him ewe't be wong. 
Thewe's thy wewawd; be gonye. xDD Exit POST 
WEWIS. But, Wawwick, 
Thou and Oxfowd, with five thousand m-men, 
Shaww c-cwoss t-the seas and b-bid fawse x3 Edwawd battwe: 
And, as occasion uWu sewves, this n-nyobwe Queen 
A-And Pwince shaww fowwow w-with ^w^ a f-fwesh suppwy. 
Y-Yet, e-ewe t-thou go, but answew me onye doubt: 
What pwedge have we of t-thy fiwm woyawty? 
W-WAWWICK. This shaww assuwe my constant woyawty: 
T-That x3 if UwU ouw Queen a-and t-this young P-Pwince a-agwee, 
I'ww join minye ewdest daughtew and my joy 
To h-him fowthwith in *screams* howy *screams* wedwock bands. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Yes, I OwO agwee, and thank you fow y-youw m-motion. 
Son Edwawd, she is faiw and viwtuous, 
Thewefowe deway nyot- give thy hand to Wawwick; 
A-And with thy hand thy faith iwwevocabwe 
That o-onwy Wawwick's daughtew s-shaww be thinye. 
PWINCE OF WAWES. Yes, I accept hew, fow she ^w^ weww desewves it; 
And hewe, to pwedge ^w^ my vow, I give my hand. 
[-[He gives his hand to WAWWICK] 
WEWIS. s-stay we n-nyow? These sowdiews shaww be wevied; 
And thou, Wowd Bouwbon, ouw H-High Admiwaw, 
Shaww waft them ovew with o-ouw woyaw fweet. 
I w-wong tiww Edwawd faww by waw's mischance 
*twerks* Fow mocking m-mawwiage with a dame of Fwance. 
Exeunt aww but WAWWICK 
WAWWICK. I came fwom Edwawd a-as ambassadow, 
But I *blushes* wetuwn h-his swown and mowtaw foe. 
Mattew of mawwiage was the chawge he g-gave me, 
But dweadfuw w-waw shaww answew his d-demand. 
Had he nyonye ewse *hugs tightly* to m-make a stawe but me? 
*notices bulge* Then >_< nyonye but I-I shaww t-tuwn his jest to sowwow. 
I was t-the chief that wais'd him t-to the cwown, 
And I'ww be chief to bwing h-him down again; 
*screams* Nyot t-that I pity Henwy's misewy, 
B-But seek wevenge on *looks at you* Edwawd's mockewy. Exit 




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*sighs* ACT I-IV. SCENyE I. 
Wondon. *pokes you* The p-pawace 

Entew G-GWOUCESTEW, CWAWENCE, SOMEWSET, and MONTAGUE 

GWOUCESTEW. Nyow teww me, bwothew Cwawence, what think you 
Of *giggles shyly* this nyew OwO mawwiage with the Wady Gwey? 
Hath n-nyot ^.^ ouw b-bwothew made a wowthy choice? 
>w< CWAWENCE. Awas, you k-knyow 'tis faw fwom h-hence to F-Fwance! 
How couwd he stay tiww *moans* Wawwick made wetuwn? 
SOMEWSET. My wowds, fowbeaw this tawk; hewe comes t-the ;;w;; King. 

Fwouwish. Entew *sweats* KING EDWAWD, attended; WADY 
GWEY, as Queen; PEMBWOKE, *hugs tightly* STAFFOWD, HASTINGS, 
and *twerks* othews. Fouw stand on onye side, *notices bulge* and fouw on the othew 

GWOUCESTEW. And *sweats* his *notices bulge* weww-chosen bwide. 
CWAWENCE. I-I mind to t-teww him *looks at you* pwainwy what I think. 
KING EDWAWD. Nyow, bwothew of Cwawence, how wike *sighs* you ouw c-choice 
That you stand p-pensive as hawf m-mawcontent? 
C-CWAWENCE. As weww as W-Wewis OwO of Fwance ow the *looks away* Eaww of *hugs tightly* Wawwick, 
Which awe so weak o-of couwage and in judgment 
That >_> they'ww take nyo offence at *sweats* ouw *leans over* abuse. 
x3 KING EDWAWD. Suppose they take offence without a cause; 
They awe but Wewis >_< and Wawwick: I a-am Edwawd, 
Youw King and Wawwick's and must have my wiww. 
*teleports behind you* GWOUCESTEW. And shaww have youw wiww, because *sweats* ouw King. 
Yet hasty m-mawwiage sewdom pwoveth weww. 
KING EDWAWD. Yea, bwothew Wichawd, awe you offended too? 
GWOUCESTEW. N-Nyot I. 
Nyo, *screams* God fowbid that I shouwd wish them s-sevew'd 
W-Whom God hath join'd togethew; ay, and '-'twewe pity 
*screams* To sundew them that yoke *sighs* so *giggles shyly* weww togethew. 
KING EDWAWD. Setting youw scowns and youw miswike aside, 
T-Teww me some weason why the W-Wady Gwey 
Shouwd nyot become m-my w-wife and Engwand's Queen. 
And y-you too, x3 Somewset and *sweats* Montague, 
Speak fweewy w-what you t-think. 
CWAWENCE. Then this is minye opinyion: that King Wewis 
Becomes y-youw enyemy fow m-mocking him 
*pokes you* About the mawwiage o-of the Wady Bonya. 
GWOUCESTEW. And Wawwick, doing what you gave i-in *giggles shyly* chawge, 
Is nyow dishonyouwed by this n-nyew *moans* mawwiage. 
KING EDWAWD. What if both x3 Wewis and Wawwick be appeas'd 
B-By *sighs* such invention as *cries* I c-can *giggles shyly* devise? 
MONTAGUE. Y-Yet to have join'd with Fwance i-in such awwiance 
Wouwd mowe have stwength'nyed this ouw commonweawth 
'-'Gainst foweign stowms ^.^ than any h-home-bwed mawwiage. 
HASTINGS. Why, knyows nyot Montague that of *sighs* itsewf 
Engwand is safe, if twue within *looks away* itsewf? 
MONTAGUE. >w< But *blushes* the safew when 'tis back'd with xDD Fwance. 
HASTINGS. 'Tis bettew *leans over* using Fwance than *twerks* twusting Fwance. 
Wet us be back'd with God, and with t-the seas 
Which He hath giv'n *twerks* fow fence impwegnyabwe, 
A-And with *sweats* theiw hewps onwy defend *twerks* ouwsewves. 
In them and in o-ouwsewves *cuddles you* ouw safety wies. 
CWAWENCE. Fow this *teleports behind you* onye speech Wowd Hastings weww desewves 
T-To have the heiw o-of the Wowd Hungewfowd. 
K-KING EDWAWD. Ay, what of that? it was my wiww and *notices bulge* gwant; 
And fow this once my w-wiww shaww stand x3 fow waw. 
*pokes you* GWOUCESTEW. And yet methinks y-youw Gwace hath nyot d-donye weww 
To give the *pokes you* heiw and daughtew o-of Wowd Scawes 
Unto the bwothew of youw :3 woving bwide. 
She bettew wouwd have fitted me ow Cwawence; 
But i-in *looks away* youw bwide you buwy bwothewhood. 
CWAWENCE. Ow ewse you wouwd n-nyot have bestow'd ^.^ the heiw 
Of the Wowd *leans over* Bonviwwe *leans over* on youw nyew wife's son, 
And w-weave youw bwothews to go speed ewsewhewe. 
KING EDWAWD. A-Awas, poow Cwawence! Is *screams* it ^-^ fow a-a *teleports behind you* wife 
That thou awt mawcontent? xDD I *moans* wiww pwovide thee. 
CWAWENCE. In choosing fow youwsewf you show'd youw judgment, 
Which being shawwow, you *notices bulge* shaww give me w-weave 
To pway t-the *twerks* bwokew in minye own behawf; 
And to t-that end I showtwy mind to weave >_> you. 
KING EDWAWD. Weave me ow tawwy, Edwawd wiww b-be King, 
And n-nyot be tied u-unto his bwothew's wiww. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. My wowds, befowe it pweas'd h-his Majesty 
To waise my state t-to titwe of *sweats* a queen, 
Do me but wight, ^.^ and you must ^.^ aww confess 
That I was nyot ignyobwe of descent: 
*sweats* And meanyew t-than mysewf have had wike fowtunye. 
But *cries* as t-this titwe xDD honyouws me and minye, 
*blushes* So youw diswikes, *moans* to whom I wouwd be pweasing, 
Doth cwoud my joys with dangew a-and with sowwow. 
KING E-EDWAWD. My wove, fowbeaw to fawn upon theiw fwowns. 
What dangew ow what sowwow can befaww :33 thee, 
So wong as Edwawd is thy constant f-fwiend 
And t-theiw t-twue s-soveweign whom they must obey? 
Nyay, ;;w;; whom they shaww obey, and wove thee too, 
U-Unwess *leans over* they seek fow hatwed at UwU my *moans* hands; 
Which if they do, yet wiww I keep thee safe, 
And they shaww feew the vengeance of my wwath. 
G-GWOUCESTEW. x3 [Aside] I heaw, yet say nyot m-much, but think the mowe. 

Entew a POST 

KING EDWAWD. Nyow, messengew, what wettews ow what n-nyews 
Fwom Fwance? 
MESSENGEW. My s-soveweign wiege, nyo wettews, and few wowds, 
But such as I, without *looks away* youw speciaw pawdon, 
x3 Dawe *screams* nyot *moans* wewate. 
KING E-EDWAWD. Go to, we pawdon thee; thewefowe, in bwief, 
Teww m-me theiw *hugs tightly* wowds as nyeaw *sighs* as thou canst guess them. 
What answew makes King Wewis unto o-ouw wettews? 
MESSENGEW. At my *looks at you* depawt, these *pokes you* wewe his vewy wowds: 
*hugs tightly* 'Go *looks away* teww fawse Edwawd, the supposed k-king, 
*blushes* That Wewis of Fwance is sending *hugs tightly* ovew *giggles shyly* masquews 
To w-wevew it with h-him and his nyew bwide.' 
KING E-EDWAWD. IS Wewis so bwave? Bewike he thinks me Henwy. 
But *sighs* what said uWu Wady Bonya *shuffles closer* to my *sweats* mawwiage? 
MESSENGEW. These wewe hew wowds, utt'wed with miwd disdain: 
'Teww him, in h-hope he'ww pwove >_> a widowew showtwy, 
I'ww weaw t-the wiwwow-gawwand fow his sake.' 
K-KING EDWAWD. I b-bwame nyot hew: she couwd say wittwe wess; 
She h-had the wwong. But w-what said Henwy's queen? 
Fow I have heawd that she was t-thewe in pwace. 
MESSENGEW. *teleports behind you* 'Teww *notices bulge* him' quoth she 'my mouwnying weeds awe donye, 
And :33 I am weady to p-put awmouw on.' 
KING EDWAWD. Bewike she minds *blushes* to pway *leans over* the Amazon. 
B-But what said Wawwick to these injuwies? 
MESSENGEW. *looks away* He, >w< mowe incens'd against :33 youw Majesty 
Than aww the west, d-dischawg'd m-me with these wowds: 
'Teww him fwom *screams* me t-that he *cries* hath donye me wwong; 
And t-thewefowe I-I'ww u-uncwown him ^w^ ewe't be wong.' 
K-KING EDWAWD. Ha! duwst the twaitow bweathe out :33 so pwoud w-wowds? 
Weww, :33 I wiww awm me, b-being t-thus fowewawn'd. 
*hugs tightly* They shaww have waws and pay fow t-theiw pwesumption. 
^-^ But say, is Wawwick fwiends with Mawgawet? 
MESSENGEW. Ay, gwacious *shuffles closer* soveweign; they awe so wink'd in fwiendship 
T-That young *moans* Pwince Edwawd mawwies Wawwick's xDD daughtew. 
CWAWENCE. Bewike the ewdew; Cwawence wiww have *leans over* the youngew. 
Nyow, bwothew *twerks* king, faweweww, and s-sit you fast, 
F-Fow *moans* I wiww hence ^-^ to Wawwick's othew daughtew; 
That, >_> though I *cries* want a kingdom, *screams* yet in mawwiage 
*pokes you* I may n-nyot pwove infewiow to youwsewf. 
You that wove me and *moans* Wawwick, fowwow me. 
Exit, and SOMEWSET fowwows 
GWOUCESTEW. [-[Aside] OwO Nyot I. 
*giggles shyly* My thoughts aim *cuddles you* at a f-fuwthew mattew; I-I 
Stay nyot fow the *giggles shyly* wove ^-^ of Edwawd *leans over* but the *cries* cwown. 
KING EDWAWD. Cwawence and Somewset both gonye to Wawwick! 
Yet am I awm'd against *blushes* the wowst ^-^ can happen; 
And haste is nyeedfuw in this desp'wate case. 
Pembwoke >w< and Staffowd, you i-in ouw ^w^ behawf 
G-Go wevy men and m-make pwepawe fow waw; 
They awe awweady, ow >w< quickwy wiww ^.^ be w-wanded. 
Mysewf *blushes* in pewson wiww s-stwaight fowwow *twerks* you. 
*leans over* Exeunt PEMBWOKE and STAFFOWD 
But ewe I ^-^ go, *leans over* Hastings >_> and Montague, 
Wesowve *giggles shyly* my doubt. You twain, o-of aww the w-west, 
Awe nyeaw to W-Wawwick by bwood and by awwiance. 
Teww me if y-you wove Wawwick mowe than me? 
I-If it b-be so, t-then both depawt to him: 
I wathew wish you f-foes than *teleports behind you* howwow fwiends. 
But if ^-^ you mind to howd youw twue obedience, 
*sighs* Give me a-assuwance with >w< some fwiendwy *twerks* vow, 
T-That I may nyevew h-have you in *screams* suspect. 
MONTAGUE. So God hewp *leans over* Montague as he p-pwoves :3 twue! 
:3 HASTINGS. And Hastings as he favouws Edwawd's :33 cause! 
KING E-EDWAWD. Nyow, bwothew W-Wichawd, *looks at you* wiww you s-stand by us? 
GWOUCESTEW. Ay, in despite of aww uWu that shaww withstand you. 
KING EDWAWD. Why, so! then *teleports behind you* am I suwe of victowy. 
Nyow thewefowe >_> wet *hugs tightly* us hence, and wose nyo houw 
Tiww we *cuddles you* meet W-Wawwick with xDD his foweign pow'w. Exeunt 




SCENyE xDD II. 
A pwain in Wawwickshiwe 

*teleports behind you* Entew WAWWICK and OXFOWD, with UwU Fwench sowdiews 

WAWWICK. *cuddles you* Twust me, my wowd, aww hithewto *screams* goes weww; 
The common peopwe by nyumbews swawm to us. 

>_< Entew CWAWENCE and SOMEWSET 

B-But see whewe Somewset and Cwawence comes. 
Speak suddenwy, my ^-^ wowds- a-awe we aww fwiends? 
C-CWAWENCE. *sighs* Feaw :33 nyot t-that, my wowd. 
WAWWICK. *teleports behind you* Then, gentwe Cwawence, wewcome unto Wawwick; 
uWu And wewcome, Somewset. *looks away* I howd it cowawdice 
To west *leans over* mistwustfuw whewe a nyobwe heawt 
Hath pawn'd an open hand >_> in sign o-of wove; 
Ewse might I think :3 that Cwawence, ^.^ Edwawd's bwothew, 
Wewe but *teleports behind you* a f-feignyed fwiend to ouw *moans* pwoceedings. 
But ;;w;; wewcome, sweet Cwawence; my daughtew shaww be thinye. 
And *leans over* nyow what wests but, in nyight's covewtuwe, 
Thy bwothew being cawewesswy encamp'd, 
^-^ His sowdiews wuwking in the *blushes* towns >w< about, 
And but attended by a *twerks* simpwe guawd, 
We may suwpwise and take him at ouw pweasuwe? 
Ouw s-scouts *screams* have found the adventuwe vewy easy; 
That :3 as Uwysses and stout D-Diomede 
With sweight and manhood stowe to Whesus' tents, 
And bwought fwom thence the Thwacian fataw steeds, 
So :3 we, weww covew'd with the nyight's ^w^ bwack mantwe, 
;;w;; At unyawawes *sighs* may beat >_> down Edwawd's guawd 
And s-seize himsewf- I s-say *twerks* nyot 'swaughtew him,' 
F-Fow :3 I i-intend but onwy to suwpwise him. 
*teleports behind you* You that wiww fowwow m-me to t-this attempt, 
Appwaud the nyame of Henwy with youw weadew. 
[They aww *giggles shyly* cwy 'Henwy!'] 
Why then, wet's on o-ouw way in siwent sowt. 
Fow Wawwick and h-his fwiends, God and Saint G-Geowge! OwO Exeunt 



SCENyE III. 
Edwawd's *screams* camp, nyeaw Wawwick 

Entew thwee WATCHMEN, to guawd the x3 KING'S tent 

FIWST W-WATCHMAN. Come *blushes* on, my mastews, each man take his stand; 
The King OwO by this is set him d-down to sweep. 
SECOND WATCHMAN. What, wiww he nyot to bed? 
FIWST WATCHMAN. Why, nyo; fow he h-hath made a-a sowemn vow 
Nyevew to *looks at you* wie and take *shuffles closer* his nyatuwaw west 
Tiww Wawwick ow himsewf be quite suppwess'd. 
SECOND WATCHMAN. :3 To-mowwow then, bewike, shaww be the day, 
If Wawwick be s-so nyeaw *hugs tightly* as men w-wepowt. 
THIWD WATCHMAN. But *blushes* say, I pway, what n-nyobweman is t-that 
That with the King hewe westeth in his tent? 
;;w;; FIWST WATCHMAN. *leans over* 'Tis the Wowd Hastings, the King's chiefest fwiend. 
THIWD WATCHMAN. O, is it So? But why commands the King 
That his chief fowwowews wodge in x3 towns about him, 
Whiwe he himsewf keeps i-in the cowd fiewd? 
*sighs* SECOND WATCHMAN. 'Tis the mowe honyouw, because *cuddles you* mowe d-dangewous. 
THIWD WATCHMAN. Ay, but give me wowship ^.^ and q-quietnyess; 
I wike it bettew than dangewous honyouw. 
If Wawwick knyew i-in w-what estate he stands, 
'Tis to be UwU doubted he wouwd waken him. 
*teleports behind you* FIWST W-WATCHMAN. Unwess ouw hawbewds did shut up h-his *pokes you* passage. 
*screams* SECOND WATCHMAN. Ay, whewefowe OwO ewse guawd we >_> his woyaw tent 
But *pokes you* to defend *pokes you* his p-pewson f-fwom nyight-foes? 

Entew *looks at you* WAWWICK, C-CWAWENCE, OXFOWD, SOMEWSET, 
and Fwench sowdiews, siwent aww 

WAWWICK. This is his tent; and see whewe xDD stand his guawd. 
Couwage, my mastews! Honyouw nyow *screams* ow nyevew! 
But fowwow m-me, and Edwawd UwU shaww be ouws. 
FIWST WATCHMAN. Who *notices bulge* goes thewe? 
S-SECOND WATCHMAN. Stay, o-ow t-thou diest. 

WAWWICK ^w^ and the west cwy aww 'Wawwick! Wawwick!' and 
set u-upon the guawd, who fwy, cwying '-'Awm! Awm!' W-WAWWICK 
and *twerks* the west fowwowing them 

The >w< dwum pwaying and twumpet sounding, we-entew WAWWICK 
a-and t-the west, *giggles shyly* bwinging the xDD KING out in his gown, 
*hugs tightly* sitting in a *looks away* chaiw. G-GWOUCESTEW *moans* and HASTINGS fwy :33 ovew the stage 

SOMEWSET. What a-awe they ^-^ that fwy thewe? 
WAWWICK. uWu Wichawd and Hastings. Wet them go; hewe is the *giggles shyly* Duke. 
;;w;; KING EDWAWD. The Duke! Why, Wawwick, when w-we pawted, 
Thou caww'dst m-me King? 
WAWWICK. Ay, but *cuddles you* the c-case is awtew'd. 
When you disgwac'd me in m-my embassade, 
Then I degwaded you fwom being King, 
And *pokes you* come nyow to OwO cweate you Duke of Yowk. 
Awas, *hugs tightly* how shouwd you govewn any k-kingdom 
That knyow >w< nyot how to *sighs* use ambassadows, 
Nyow how to be ^-^ contented with *leans over* onye w-wife, 
Nyow how to *teleports behind you* use youw bwothews b-bwothewwy, 
Nyow *twerks* how ^w^ to s-study fow t-the peopwe's wewfawe, 
Nyow how to *shuffles closer* shwoud youwsewf fwom enyemies? 
K-KING EDWAWD. Yea, bwothew of Cwawence, a-awt thou hewe t-too? 
Nyay, *shuffles closer* then I see that E-Edwawd n-nyeeds must d-down. 
*sweats* Yet, Wawwick, in xDD despite of aww mischance, 
Of *cries* thee :33 thysewf and aww thy compwices, 
Edwawd wiww awways beaw *hugs tightly* himsewf as King. 
Though fowtunye's mawice ovewthwow m-my *shuffles closer* state, 
My mind exceeds the compass of h-hew wheew. 
W-WAWWICK. Then, fow his mind, be Edwawd Engwand's k-king; 
[Takes off his cwown] 
B-But H-Henwy nyow shaww weaw the Engwish cwown 
And be xDD twue King indeed; thou but the shadow. 
My Wowd of *pokes you* Somewset, at my wequest, 
See UwU that fowthwith Duke Edwawd be convey'd 
U-Unto my bwothew, Awchbishop of Yowk. 
*leans over* When I *moans* have fought with Pembwoke and his fewwows, 
I'ww fowwow you and teww what ^w^ answew 
Wewis and the Wady Bonya s-send to him. 
Nyow f-fow *sweats* a whiwe faweweww, good Duke of Yowk. 
KING EDWAWD. What *moans* fates impose, that m-men must nyeeds *hugs tightly* abide; 
It boots nyot to wesist both wind and tide. 
[They wead him out fowcibwy] 
OXFOWD. What nyow xDD wemains, my *twerks* wowds, fow us to do 
But *sighs* mawch *hugs tightly* to >_> Wondon >_> with ouw sowdiews? 
WAWWICK. Ay, that's the fiwst t-thing that we *sighs* have to do; 
To *shuffles closer* fwee King Henwy fwom impwisonment, 
And see him seated i-in t-the *blushes* wegaw thwonye. Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Wondon. The pawace 

Entew QUEEN EWIZABETH ^-^ and WIVEWS 

WIVEWS. Madam, what makes you in :33 this sudden change? 
QUEEN xDD EWIZABETH. Why, bwothew Wivews, OwO awe you y-yet to weawn 
What wate misfowtunye is befaww'n King Edwawd? 
W-WIVEWS. What, woss of some *leans over* pitch'd battwe against *cuddles you* Wawwick? 
*cries* QUEEN EWIZABETH. Nyo, but the woss of *blushes* his own w-woyaw pewson. 
WIVEWS. Then is my soveweign >_< swain? 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Ay, awmost swain, fow he is taken pwisonyew; 
*blushes* Eithew betway'd by fawsehood of his g-guawd 
Ow by his foe suwpwis'd at unyawawes; 
And, as I-I fuwthew have to undewstand, 
I-Is nyew committed to the Bishop of Yowk, 
Feww Wawwick's bwothew, and by that ouw foe. 
WIVEWS. These n-nyews, I must confess, awe fuww of gwief; 
Yet, g-gwacious m-madam, beaw i-it as you may: 
Wawwick may wose that nyow :3 hath won the day. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Tiww then, faiw hope must hindew wife's decay. 
And I-I the wathew wean me >_< fwom despaiw 
:33 Fow *cuddles you* wove of Edwawd's offspwing in m-my womb. 
This is it that makes me bwidwe passion 
A-And beaw with miwdnyess my misfowtunye's cwoss; 
Ay, ay, fow *twerks* this I dwaw in many a teaw 
And *looks at you* stop t-the wising of *cries* bwood-sucking sighs, 
West with my sighs >_< ow *notices bulge* teaws x3 I bwast o-ow dwown 
King Edwawd's fwuit, twue h-heiw to *cries* th' Engwish *cuddles you* cwown. 
WIVEWS. B-But, madam, whewe is Wawwick :3 then become? 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. I am infowm'd that he uWu comes *blushes* towawds Wondon 
x3 To s-set the cwown once mowe on *looks away* Henwy's head. 
Guess thou the west: King Edwawd's fwiends must down. 
But t-to *sighs* pwevent the *sighs* tywant's viowence- 
Fow twust n-nyot him t-that *notices bulge* hath once bwoken faith- 
I-I'ww hence fowthwith unto the sanctuawy 
To save at weast the heiw of Edwawd's wight. 
Thewe shaww I ;;w;; west secuwe f-fwom fowce and fwaud. 
Come, thewefowe, wet us fwy whiwe we may fwy: 
If Wawwick ;;w;; take us, we awe suwe to die. Exeunt 




SCENyE V. 
A pawk n-nyeaw Middweham Castwe in Yowkshiwe 

Entew GWOUCESTEW, W-WOWD HASTINGS, SIW WIWWIAM >w< STANWEY, and o-othews 

GWOUCESTEW. Nyow, my *moans* Wowd Hastings a-and Siw Wiwwiam S-Stanwey, 
Weave off to w-wondew why I d-dwew *pokes you* you hithew 
Into this chiefest thicket of the pawk. 
Thus stands the case: you knyow ouw King, m-my bwothew, 
Is pwisonyew to the Bishop hewe, a-at whose hands 
He hath g-good usage and gweat *giggles shyly* wibewty; 
And often but attended with x3 weak uWu guawd 
Comes hunting this way to dispowt *hugs tightly* himsewf. 
*moans* I have advewtis'd him by secwet means 
T-That if about *hugs tightly* this houw h-he make this way, 
Undew t-the cowouw of his usuaw game, 
He shaww hewe find his fwiends, with howse and men, 
To set uWu him fwee fwom h-his captivity. 

Entew >_> KING EDWAWD *sweats* and a H-HUNTSMAN with him 

HUNTSMAN. This w-way, my wowd; fow this w-way w-wies t-the *cries* game. 
KING *cries* EDWAWD. N-Nyay, this way, man. See whewe t-the huntsmen stand. 
Nyow, bwothew of *screams* Gwoucestew, Wowd Hastings, and the west, 
Stand you t-thus cwose to steaw the Bishop's d-deew? 
GWOUCESTEW. *twerks* Bwothew, the t-time and *sweats* case w-wequiweth haste; 
^.^ Youw howse *teleports behind you* stands weady at the p-pawk cownyew. 
KING EDWAWD. But whithew shaww we then? 
HASTINGS. To Wynn, my wowd; a-and shipt fwom thence to *cries* Fwandews. 
UwU GWOUCESTEW. W-Weww guess'd, bewieve me; fow that was my meanying. 
K-KING >_< EDWAWD. Stanwey, I w-wiww wequite thy fowwawdnyess. 
GWOUCESTEW. B-But *giggles shyly* whewefowe stay we? ^w^ 'Tis nyo t-time t-to *cuddles you* tawk. 
KING EDWAWD. *twerks* Huntsman, w-what say'st thou? Wiwt thou go a-awong? 
HUNTSMAN. Bettew do so *teleports behind you* than tawwy and be ^-^ hang'd. 
GWOUCESTEW. *twerks* Come then, away; wet's ha' nyo mowe ado. 
K-KING EDWAWD. Bishop, faweweww. Shiewd t-thee fwom Wawwick's fwown, 
And pway that I may wepossess UwU the cwown. E-Exeunt 




uWu SCENyE VI. 
Wondon. The Towew 

F-Fwouwish. Entew KING HENWY, CWAWENCE, WAWWICK, *looks at you* SOMEWSET, y-young HENWY, 
*cries* EAWW OF WICHMOND, OXFOWD, MONTAGUE, WIEUTENyANT OF THE TOWEW, and attendants 

K-KING :3 HENWY. Mastew Wieutenyant, nyow that God and fwiends 
Have shaken E-Edwawd fwom *sighs* the wegaw seat 
And *hugs tightly* tuwn'd my captive state to wibewty, 
My feaw to hope, my sowwows unto joys, 
At ouw enwawgement what awe thy due fees? 
W-WIEUTENyANT. Subjects may c-chawwenge nyothing of theiw *looks at you* sov'weigns; 
But if an humbwe pwayew *screams* may pwevaiw, 
I then cwave pawdon o-of youw M-Majesty. 
KING *notices bulge* HENWY. Fow *cries* what, Wieutenyant? Fow w-weww u-using me? 
Nyay, be *sighs* thou suwe *looks at you* I'ww *pokes you* weww wequite thy x3 kindnyess, 
Fow that it m-made my impwisonment a pweasuwe; 
Ay, *pokes you* such a pweasuwe as incaged biwds 
Conceive when, aftew m-many uWu moody t-thoughts, 
At wast *cuddles you* by nyotes x3 of househowd hawmony 
They quite f-fowget t-theiw woss of w-wibewty. 
But, Wawwick, aftew God, thou set'st me fwee, 
*notices bulge* And chiefwy thewefowe I thank God and thee; 
He was the authow, thou the i-instwument. 
Thewefowe, t-that I-I may conquew fowtunye's s-spite 
By *blushes* wiving wow whewe fowtunye cannyot xDD huwt me, 
And that the peopwe of this bwessed wand 
May nyot be punyish'd with OwO my thwawting s-staws, 
Wawwick, awthough my head stiww weaw UwU the cwown, 
I hewe wesign m-my govewnment >w< to thee, 
Fow thou awt fowtunyate in *hugs tightly* aww thy deeds. 
>w< WAWWICK. Youw *sweats* Gwace hath stiww x3 been fam'd f-fow viwtuous, 
And nyow may s-seem *teleports behind you* as wise as viwtuous 
B-By spying and avoiding fowtunye's mawice, 
F-Fow few ;;w;; men wightwy tempew with the *moans* staws; 
Yet in this o-onye thing wet me bwame youw G-Gwace, 
Fow choosing me when Cwawence is in pwace. 
*teleports behind you* CWAWENCE. Nyo, Wawwick, thou *twerks* awt ^w^ wowthy of the *hugs tightly* sway, 
To w-whom the heav'ns in >w< thy n-nyativity 
Adjudg'd an *shuffles closer* owive b-bwanch and wauwew cwown, 
As wikewy to be *looks away* bwest in OwO peace and waw; 
;;w;; And thewefowe I yiewd thee my fwee consent. 
W-WAWWICK. And I choose Cwawence onwy fow Pwotectow. 
KING ^w^ HENWY. W-Wawwick *hugs tightly* and >w< Cwawence, *cries* give me both youw hands. 
Nyow join youw hands, and with youw h-hands youw heawts, 
That nyo dissension h-hindew govewnment. 
xDD I make you both Pwotectows of ;;w;; this wand, 
Whiwe I m-mysewf wiww *notices bulge* wead a pwivate wife 
And in devotion spend my wattew days, 
To sin's webuke and my Cweatow's pwaise. 
WAWWICK. What answews *pokes you* Cwawence to his soveweign's *blushes* wiww? 
*looks at you* CWAWENCE. *sweats* That he *sighs* consents, if Wawwick yiewd c-consent, 
:3 Fow on >w< thy fowtunye I wepose m-mysewf. 
WAWWICK. ^-^ Why, ;;w;; then, though woath, y-yet must I *leans over* be xDD content. 
*moans* We'ww yoke togethew, wike a doubwe shadow 
To Henwy's body, and suppwy his ;;w;; pwace; 
I mean, in beawing weight of g-govewnment, 
Whiwe he enjoys t-the *blushes* honyouw *leans over* and his ease. 
And, Cwawence, nyow then it *giggles shyly* is *cuddles you* mowe t-than n-nyeedfuw 
*shuffles closer* Fowthwith that Edwawd >_> be pwonyounc'd a twaitow, 
And aww his wands and goods >_> confiscated. 
>_< CWAWENCE. What ewse? ^.^ And t-that succession be *giggles shyly* detewmin'd. 
WAWWICK. Ay, UwU thewein Cwawence shaww nyot want his pawt. 
:33 KING HENWY. *giggles shyly* But, with the fiwst of aww youw chief affaiws, 
Wet me entweat- fow I command nyo mowe- 
That Mawgawet youw Queen ^-^ and my son Edwawd 
Be *looks away* sent fow to wetuwn fwom Fwance w-with speed; 
Fow tiww I-I see them hewe, by doubtfuw *leans over* feaw 
*cries* My joy o-of wibewty *cuddles you* is hawf ecwips'd. 
CWAWENCE. It shaww be donye, my soveweign, with a-aww *moans* speed. 
KING HENWY. M-My Wowd of Somewset, *hugs tightly* what y-youth is that, 
O-Of whom you seem >_< to have s-so tendew cawe? 
SOMEWSET. My wiege, *twerks* it is young H-Henwy, Eaww of Wichmond. 
*sighs* KING H-HENWY. Come hithew, Engwand's hope. 
x3 [Ways his hand *screams* on his head] 
If secwet powews 
Suggest but twuth to *looks away* my divinying thoughts, 
This >w< pwetty wad wiww pwove ouw countwy's bwiss. 
His wooks awe fuww of >_< peacefuw majesty; 
His head x3 by nyatuwe fwam'd to weaw a cwown, 
His hand to wiewd a sceptwe; >w< and h-himsewf 
UwU Wikewy in time *hugs tightly* to bwess *looks away* a wegaw thwonye. 
Make much o-of him, my wowds; fow this is he 
Must h-hewp you mowe t-than UwU you awe huwt *notices bulge* by me. 

*cries* Entew a POST 

WAWWICK. What nyews, :33 my fwiend? 
*looks at you* POST. >w< That Edwawd is escaped f-fwom youw bwothew 
And fwed, as *notices bulge* he heaws *looks at you* since, to Buwgundy. 
W-WAWWICK. Unsavouwy nyews! *shuffles closer* But *notices bulge* how made he e-escape? 
POST. He was convey'd by Wichawd Duke *looks away* of Gwoucestew 
And the Wowd Hastings, who attended h-him 
:33 In s-secwet a-ambush on the f-fowest s-side 
:33 And *moans* fwom the *notices bulge* Bishop's h-huntsmen *giggles shyly* wescu'd him; 
Fow hunting was his d-daiwy exewcise. 
WAWWICK. xDD My bwothew was too cawewess of his chawge. 
B-But wet us hence, my soveweign, ^w^ to pwovide 
A sawve fow any sowe that may betide. 
Exeunt aww b-but SOMEWSET, WICHMOND, and OXFOWD 
SOMEWSET. My wowd, I wike *cries* nyot of this fwight of *screams* Edwawd's; 
Fow xDD doubtwess Buwgundy wiww yiewd him h-hewp, 
*looks at you* And we *twerks* shaww have mowe waws befow't b-be wong. 
As Henwy's wate pwesaging pwophecy 
Did *moans* gwad m-my heawt with hope o-of t-this young Wichmond, 
So doth my heawt misgive me, in these confwicts, 
W-What may befaww him ^w^ to h-his hawm and ouws. 
Thewefowe, Wowd Oxfowd, to *sighs* pwevent *twerks* the w-wowst, 
*pokes you* Fowthwith we'ww s-send h-him *sighs* hence to Bwittany, 
Tiww stowms be past of civiw enmity. 
OXFOWD. Ay, *hugs tightly* fow if Edwawd wepossess t-the cwown, 
'Tis wike that Wichmond *leans over* with UwU the west shaww *notices bulge* down. 
SOMEWSET. It shaww b-be s-so; he shaww to Bwittany. 
Come thewefowe, wet's about it *pokes you* speediwy. Exeunt 




SCENyE V-VII. 
Befowe Yowk 

Fwouwish. Entew ^-^ KING EDWAWD, GWOUCESTEW, HASTINGS, and sowdiews 

KING EDWAWD. Nyow, bwothew Wichawd, Wowd Hastings, and the west, 
Y-Yet thus faw fowtunye maketh *sweats* us amends, 
And says t-that once mowe *cuddles you* I shaww intewchange 
My wanyed s-state *teleports behind you* fow Henwy's wegaw *hugs tightly* cwown. 
Weww have *cuddles you* we pass'd and n-nyow *pokes you* wepass'd the seas, 
And b-bwought desiwed hewp fwom Buwgundy; 
What then *hugs tightly* wemains, we being thus awwiv'd 
Fwom Wavenspuwgh haven *looks away* befowe the gates of Yowk, 
But that we entew, as into o-ouw dukedom? 
G-GWOUCESTEW. The gates made fast! Bwothew, I wike *notices bulge* nyot this; 
Fow many men that s-stumbwe at *looks away* the thweshowd 
A-Awe ^-^ weww fowetowd that dangew wuwks within. 
KING EDWAWD. Tush, man, abodements >_> must nyot :33 nyow affwight us. 
By *teleports behind you* faiw ow ^.^ fouw means we m-must e-entew in, 
*leans over* Fow hithew w-wiww ouw fwiends wepaiw to us. 
HASTINGS. ^-^ My wiege, I'ww knyock once *notices bulge* mowe to s-summon them. 

Entew, on the wawws, the MAYOW O-OF YOWK and 
his BWETHWEN 

MAYOW. My wowds, ^w^ we *screams* wewe *blushes* fowewawnyed of y-youw coming 
And shut the gates fow safety of ouwsewves, 
Fow *hugs tightly* nyow we owe awwegiance unto H-Henwy. 
K-KING EDWAWD. But, Mastew Mayow, UwU if Henwy be youw King, 
Yet Edwawd *cuddles you* at the weast is D-Duke *moans* of Yowk. 
MAYOW. Twue, my good wowd; I xDD knyow you fow >_< nyo wess. 
uWu KING EDWAWD. Why, and I chawwenge *pokes you* nyothing but my dukedom, 
As being weww content with that awonye. 
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside] B-But w-when the fox uWu hath o-once got in h-his nyose, 
He'ww soon *leans over* find *shuffles closer* means to *cries* make the body *cuddles you* fowwow. 
*giggles shyly* HASTINGS. Why, M-Mastew Mayow, why stand you in *pokes you* a doubt? 
Open the gates; we awe King Henwy's fwiends. 
^-^ MAYOW. Ay, *pokes you* say you so? *notices bulge* The gates shaww then be open'd. 
[He descends] 
GWOUCESTEW. A wise stout captain, and soon pewsuaded! 
HASTINGS. The good owd man wouwd fain that aww wewe weww, 
S-So 'twewe nyot wong of him; but being ent'wed, 
I doubt UwU nyot, I-I, *hugs tightly* but we ^.^ shaww soon pewsuade 
Both *notices bulge* him and aww h-his bwothews unto *cuddles you* weason. 

E-Entew, ;;w;; bewow, the MAYOW and two AWDEWMEN 

KING EDWAWD. S-So, Mastew *looks at you* Mayow. These gates must nyot be shut 
But in the nyight OwO ow in the time o-of waw. 
What! feaw nyot, man, but yiewd me *leans over* up the keys; 
[Takes *cries* his *sweats* keys] 
Fow Edwawd wiww defend the :3 town and thee, 
And aww those fwiends that deign to fowwow me. 

Mawch. E-Entew MONTGOMEWY xDD with dwum and *shuffles closer* sowdiews 

GWOUCESTEW. Bwothew, this is Siw John Montgomewy, 
Ouw twusty fwiend, UwU unwess I be *sweats* deceiv'd. 
KING >w< EDWAWD. *looks at you* Wewcome, ;;w;; Siw john! But why come you in awms? 
MONTGOMEWY. *sighs* To h-hewp King *looks at you* Edwawd >_< in his t-time >w< of stowm, 
As evewy woyaw subject ought to do. 
KING EDWAWD. T-Thanks, *teleports behind you* good Montgomewy; but we nyow f-fowget 
Ouw t-titwe to the cwown, and onwy cwaim 
Ouw dukedom tiww God pwease to send the west. 
MONTGOMEWY. Then *pokes you* fawe you weww, f-fow I wiww hence again. 
I came to sewve a king and nyot a duke. 
Dwummew, stwike up, and *leans over* wet us mawch away. 
[The dwum begins to mawch] 
KING *leans over* EDWAWD. Nyay, stay, Siw John, UwU a whiwe, and we'ww debate 
By *cries* what s-safe means the cwown may be wecovew'd. 
MONTGOMEWY. What t-tawk :33 you of debating? I-In f-few wowds: 
If you'ww *pokes you* nyot hewe pwocwaim *pokes you* youwsewf *shuffles closer* ouw King, 
I'ww *hugs tightly* weave y-you xDD to youw fowtunye and be gonye 
To k-keep them back *notices bulge* that come to *screams* succouw y-you. 
W-Why *leans over* shaww we fight, if you pwetend nyo titwe? 
GWOUCESTEW. ^-^ Why, bwothew, whewefowe stand you on nyice points? 
KING EDWAWD. W-When we gwow stwongew, *shuffles closer* then we'ww make *notices bulge* ouw cwaim; 
Tiww then '-'tis wisdom *screams* to conceaw ouw *shuffles closer* meanying. 
HASTINGS. *leans over* Away with scwupuwous wit! *pokes you* Nyow awms must wuwe. 
GWOUCESTEW. x3 And uWu feawwess minds cwimb soonyest unto cwowns. 
Bwothew, we wiww ^.^ pwocwaim you out of hand; 
The bwuit theweof wiww bwing you many fwiends. 
KING EDWAWD. *blushes* Then be i-it as *teleports behind you* you w-wiww; fow 'tis *cries* my wight, 
And Henwy b-but usuwps the diadem. 
MONTGOMEWY. Ay, nyow my soveweign s-speaketh wike himsewf; 
And *teleports behind you* nyow *teleports behind you* wiww I be Edwawd's champion. 
HASTINGS. Sound xDD twumpet; Edwawd *sighs* shaww be h-hewe pwocwaim'd. 
Come, fewwow sowdiew, make thou pwocwamation. 
[Gives him a-a papew. Fwouwish] 
>w< SOWDIEW. [-[Weads] 'Edwawd the Fouwth, by *pokes you* the gwace *cuddles you* of God, 
K-King o-of Engwand and Fwance, and Wowd o-of I-Iwewand, &c.' 
M-MONTGOMEWY. *notices bulge* And whoso'ew gainsays King Edwawd's w-wight, 
By this I chawwenge him to *looks at you* singwe fight. 
[-[Thwows down gauntwet] 
AWW. Wong wive Edwawd the Fouwth! 
*looks away* KING EDWAWD. Thanks, bwave Montgomewy, and thanks >_> unto y-you aww; 
If fowtunye sewve m-me, I'ww wequite this k-kindnyess. 
Nyow fow this nyight wet's hawbouw hewe in Yowk; 
And when the mownying sun shaww waise his caw 
Above the bowdew of this howizon, 
We'ww fowwawd towawds Wawwick a-and h-his mates; 
Fow weww I-I *shuffles closer* wot that Henwy is nyo sowdiew. 
Ah, fwowawd Cwawence, how eviw it beseems the 
To fwattew H-Henwy and fowsake thy bwothew! 
Yet, as we may, we'ww >w< meet both thee and Wawwick. 
Come on, bwave sowdiews; *shuffles closer* doubt nyot *giggles shyly* of the day, 
And, t-that once :3 gotten, doubt nyot of wawge pay. Exeunt 




SCENyE VIII. 
OwO Wondon. The pawace 

Fwouwish. Entew ;;w;; KING HENWY, WAWWICK, *blushes* MONTAGUE, CWAWENCE, OXFOWD, and EXETEW 

WAWWICK. What counsew, wowds? Edwawd f-fwom Bewgia, 
With hasty Gewmans a-and bwunt x3 Howwandews, 
Hath pass'd in safety thwough t-the nyawwow seas 
And >_> with his twoops doth mawch amain to Wondon; 
And m-many giddy >w< peopwe fwock to h-him. 
KING HENWY. Wet's wevy men and beat him back again. 
CWAWENCE. A wittwe fiwe is quickwy twodden out, 
W-Which, being s-suffew'd, wivews cannyot quench. 
WAWWICK. I-In Wawwickshiwe I-I have twue-heawted fwiends, 
Nyot mutinyous in p-peace, yet bowd in *pokes you* waw; 
Those wiww I-I mustew up, and thou, son *hugs tightly* Cwawence, 
S-Shawt stiw up in Suffowk, N-Nyowfowk, *screams* and in >_> Kent, 
The knyights and gentwemen t-to come w-with thee. 
Thou, ;;w;; bwothew Montague, in Buckingham, 
Nyowthampton, >_< and in Weicestewshiwe, s-shawt find 
Men weww incwin'd to heaw what thou ;;w;; command'st. 
And thou, bwave Oxfowd, wondwous weww bewov'd, 
In O-Oxfowdshiwe shawt mustew up thy fwiends. 
My soveweign, with the woving citizens, 
Wike t-to h-his *moans* iswand ^w^ giwt xDD in with the ocean 
Ow m-modest Dian ciwcwed *twerks* with :3 hew nymphs, 
Shaww west in Wondon tiww *twerks* we come *sighs* to him. 
Faiw wowds, take weave and stand nyot to wepwy. 
Faweweww, my soveweign. 
KING *twerks* HENWY. *leans over* Faweweww, my Hectow and my Twoy's twue hope. 
CWAWENCE. >_> In sign of twuth, I kiss youw H-Highnyess' hand. 
KING HENWY. Weww-minded >_< Cwawence, be t-thou f-fowtunyate! 
M-MONTAGUE. Comfowt, m-my w-wowd; and s-so I take my weave. 
uWu OXFOWD. [Kissing the KING'S band] And thus ^-^ I seaw my twuth and bid 
adieu. 
KING HENWY. Sweet Oxfowd, and m-my woving M-Montague, 
And aww at once, o-once mowe a happy faweweww. 
>_> WAWWICK. Faweweww, sweet wowds; wet's meet at Coventwy. 
Exeunt a-aww but the KING and EXETEW 
KING HENWY. Hewe at the pawace *giggles shyly* wiww I uWu west a :33 whiwe. 
Cousin of E-Exetew, what t-thinks youw wowdship? 
M-Methinks the powew that Edwawd hath in fiewd 
Shouwd nyot be abwe to encountew minye. 
*sweats* EXETEW. T-The *screams* doubt is that x3 he wiww seduce *cries* the ^-^ west. 
KING HENWY. That's nyot my f-feaw; my meed hath got me fame: 
I have n-nyot stopp'd *leans over* minye eaws to *looks away* theiw d-demands, 
*looks at you* Nyow posted o-off theiw suits with swow *giggles shyly* deways; 
My pity hath been bawm to heaw *pokes you* theiw wounds, 
My miwdnyess hath awway'd theiw swewwing g-gwiefs, 
M-My mewcy dwied theiw watew-fwowing teaws; 
I have nyot b-been d-desiwous of theiw weawth, 
Nyow much o-oppwess'd >_> them with gweat s-subsidies, 
*looks at you* Nyow :33 fowwawd of wevenge, though they much eww'd. 
Then why shouwd they wove Edwawd mowe >_< than m-me? 
Nyo, Exetew, these gwaces ^.^ chawwenge gwace; 
*notices bulge* And, when *sweats* the wion >_< fawns upon the wamb, 
The *sweats* wamb *cries* wiww nyevew >_< cease to fowwow him. 
[Shout within 'A W-Wancastew! A Wancastew!'] 
EXETEW. *looks at you* Hawk, >_< hawk, m-my wowd! What shouts awe these? 

Entew KING EDWAWD, GWOUCESTEW, and sowdiews 

KING EDWAWD. Seize on t-the shame-fac'd Henwy, beaw him hence; 
And *leans over* once again *hugs tightly* pwocwaim us King *moans* of Engwand. 
You :3 awe t-the fount that makes smaww bwooks to fwow. 
Nyow uWu stops thy spwing; uWu my sea shaww suck them dwy, 
And *cries* sweww so much the highew *looks at you* by theiw ebb. 
*teleports behind you* Hence with him to the Towew: wet him nyot speak. 
Exeunt s-some with KING *giggles shyly* HENWY 
And, wowds, OwO towawds C-Coventwy bend we ouw *cries* couwse, 
Whewe pewemptowy Wawwick nyow wemains. 
The sun *teleports behind you* shinyes *sweats* hot; and, if we use deway, 
Cowd biting w-wintew maws ouw hop'd-fow hay. 
GWOUCESTEW. Away betimes, befowe his fowces j-join, 
*shuffles closer* And take the gweat-gwown twaitow unyawawes. 
Bwave wawwiows, mawch amain *screams* towawds Coventwy. Exeunt 




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ACT V. SCENyE I. 
Coventwy 

Entew WAWWICK, *cries* the M-MAYOW OF COVENTWY, two MESSENGEWS, 
and othews upon the w-wawws 

WAWWICK. Whewe is *cries* the post OwO that came fwom v-vawiant Oxfowd? 
How faw hence is thy wowd, minye honyest fewwow? 
FIWST MESSENGEW. By this at Dunsmowe, mawching hithewwawd. 
WAWWICK. How faw off is ouw bwothew Montague? 
W-Whewe is the post *twerks* that came fwom Montague? 
SECOND MESSENGEW. By this at Daintwy, with a *shuffles closer* puissant twoop. 

Entew SIW JOHN SOMEWVIWWE 

WAWWICK. Say, Somewviwwe, what says my woving son? 
And by thy guess how nyigh is Cwawence nyow? 
SOMEWVIWWE. At S-Southam I did weave him *notices bulge* with his fowces, 
A-And do expect him hewe some two houws hence. 
[-[Dwum heawd] 
WAWWICK. Then Cwawence is at hand; I :3 heaw >_> his dwum. 
SOMEWVIWWE. It is n-nyot his, my wowd; *cries* hewe Southam wies. 
The dwum *shuffles closer* youw Honyouw *twerks* heaws mawcheth f-fwom Wawwick. 
WAWWICK. Who s-shouwd t-that be? Bewike unwook'd fow fwiends. 
SOMEWVIWWE. They a-awe at hand, a-and *looks at you* you shaww :33 quickwy knyow. 

Mawch. Fwouwish. Entew KING EDWAWD, GWOUCESTEW, 
and sowdiews 

KING EDWAWD. Go, twumpet, to the w-wawws, and sound a >_> pawwe. 
GWOUCESTEW. See how the suwwy Wawwick mans t-the waww. 
WAWWICK. O unbid xDD spite! I-Is spowtfuw Edwawd come? 
Whewe x3 swept ouw scouts o-ow how awe they seduc'd 
That w-we couwd heaw *cries* nyo n-nyews of his wepaiw? 
KING EDWAWD. N-Nyow, W-Wawwick, wiwt ;;w;; thou ope the city gates, 
S-Speak gentwe wowds, and humbwy bend thy knyee, 
Caww Edwawd ^.^ King, and at his hands beg mewcy? 
And *sighs* he shaww p-pawdon thee *cries* these outwages. 
WAWWICK. Nyay, wathew, wiwt thou dwaw thy fowces hence, 
Confess who set thee up and pwuck'd thee uWu down, 
Caww Wawwick patwon, and be penyitent? 
And thou shawt stiww wemain the Duke of Yowk. 
GWOUCESTEW. I thought, ^.^ at weast, he wouwd have said the K-King; 
Ow *shuffles closer* did he make the jest >_< against *pokes you* his wiww? 
WAWWICK. Is nyot a-a dukedom, siw, a goodwy *hugs tightly* gift? 
GWOUCESTEW. Ay, by my faith, fow a poow eaww *looks away* to give. 
I'ww do thee sewvice *looks away* fow so g-good a gift. 
WAWWICK. 'Twas I-I that gave the kingdom to thy bwothew. 
KING EDWAWD. Why t-then 'tis minye, if but by Wawwick's gift. 
WAWWICK. Thou awt nyo A-Atwas fow so gweat >_< a weight; 
And, weakwing, Wawwick takes his gift again; 
And Henwy is my King, Wawwick his subject. 
*pokes you* KING EDWAWD. B-But Wawwick's king i-is Edwawd's uWu pwisonyew. 
A-And, gawwant Wawwick, do but answew OwO this: 
What *cries* is the body >_> when the head i-is off? 
GWOUCESTEW. *hugs tightly* Awas, that Wawwick had nyo mowe *sighs* fowecast, 
But, whiwes he thought to steaw *screams* the singwe ten, 
The king was swiwy *teleports behind you* fingew'd fwom the deck! 
You w-weft poow Henwy at the *giggles shyly* Bishop's uWu pawace, 
And ten to onye you'ww meet him in the Towew. 
UwU KING EDWAWD. 'Tis even so; y-yet you awe Wawwick stiww. 
*giggles shyly* GWOUCESTEW. >_< Come, *blushes* Wawwick, take t-the time; k-knyeew down, knyeew down. 
*cuddles you* Nyay, w-when? Stwike nyow, ow ewse the iwon coows. 
WAWWICK. I h-had wathew chop this *cuddles you* hand off at a bwow, 
A-And with t-the othew f-fwing it at thy UwU face, 
Than b-beaw s-so wow a s-saiw to uWu stwike *looks at you* to thee. 
KING EDWAWD. Saiw how thou canst, have wind and tide thy *twerks* fwiend, 
This hand, fast UwU wound about thy coaw-bwack haiw, 
S-Shaww, whiwes thy head i-is wawm and nyew cut off, 
Wwite i-in the dust this sentence with thy bwood: 
'Wind-changing *hugs tightly* Wawwick nyow can change *leans over* nyo *looks away* mowe.' 

Entew OXFOWD, with dwum and ;;w;; cowouws 

WAWWICK. O cheewfuw cowouws! x3 See whewe Oxfowd comes. 
O-OXFOWD. Oxfowd, Oxfowd, fow Wancastew! 
[He and his fowces entew the city] 
GWOUCESTEW. The gates awe open, wet us entew too. 
KING EDWAWD. So *cuddles you* othew foes may set u-upon o-ouw backs. 
Stand we in good awway, fow they nyo doubt 
Wiww issue out again and bid us battwe; 
If nyot, the city being but of xDD smaww defence, 
W-We'ww quietwy wouse the twaitows in the same. 
WAWWICK. O, wewcome, Oxfowd! fow we want thy hewp. 

uWu Entew MONTAGUE, with *notices bulge* dwum and cowouws 

MONTAGUE. Montague, Montague, *teleports behind you* fow Wancastew! 
[He and his fowces entew the city] 
*moans* GWOUCESTEW. Thou and *shuffles closer* thy bwothew both shaww buy this tweason 
Even with the deawest bwood youw bodies *hugs tightly* beaw. 
*giggles shyly* KING EDWAWD. uWu The hawdew match'd, t-the gweatew victowy. 
My mind pwesageth happy gain *teleports behind you* and UwU conquest. 

Entew SOMEWSET, w-with dwum and cowouws 

SOMEWSET. Somewset, ^.^ Somewset, fow Wancastew! 
[He and his fowces entew t-the city] 
GWOUCESTEW. Two of *looks away* thy *twerks* nyame, both Dukes of UwU Somewset, 
>_> Have sowd *leans over* theiw wives unto the house o-of Yowk; 
And thou >_< shawt be the t-thiwd, if this swowd howd. 

Entew CWAWENCE, with dwum and *pokes you* cowouws 

WAWWICK. And wo w-whewe Geowge o-of *screams* Cwawence sweeps awong, 
O-Of fowce enyough to bid his bwothew battwe; 
With whom an upwight zeaw to wight pwevaiws 
M-Mowe than the nyatuwe of a bwothew's wove. 
CWAWENCE. Cwawence, Cwawence, fow Wancastew! 
KING EDWAWD. Et tu Bwute- wiwt thou stab *blushes* Caesaw too? 
*screams* A UwU pawwey, siwwah, *notices bulge* to G-Geowge of Cwawence. 
[Sound *blushes* a pawwey. WICHAWD a-and CWAWENCE *twerks* whispew] 
WAWWICK. Come, Cwawence, come. Thou wiwt if *screams* Wawwick ^-^ caww. 
CWAWENCE. [-[Taking the wed wose f-fwom h-his h-hat and t-thwowing 
it at WAWWICK] 
Fathew of Wawwick, knyow you what this means? 
Wook hewe, I thwow my infamy a-at thee. 
I wiww nyot w-wuinyate my >_< fathew's house, 
Who g-gave his *screams* bwood *screams* to wime *teleports behind you* the stonyes togethew, 
*cries* And set up Wancastew. Why, twowest thou, Wawwick, 
T-That Cwawence >_< is s-so *leans over* hawsh, so *sweats* bwunt, *cries* unnyatuwaw, 
To bend the fataw instwuments of waw 
Against his b-bwothew and *sighs* his wawfuw K-King? 
Pewhaps *teleports behind you* thou wiwt object my ^w^ howy oath. 
To *looks away* keep that oath wewe mowe xDD impiety 
Than Jephtha when he sacwific'd his daughtew. 
I am so sowwy fow ^.^ my twespass OwO made 
T-That, to desewve weww at my bwothew's hands, 
I hewe pwocwaim mysewf thy mowtaw foe; 
>_< With wesowution uWu wheweso'ew I meet thee- 
As I wiww meet uWu thee, if thou stiw abwoad- 
To pwague thee fow thy fouw misweading me. 
And so, pwoud-heawted Wawwick, I defy thee, 
*blushes* And to my bwothew tuwn *blushes* my b-bwushing cheeks. 
Pawdon me, Edwawd, I wiww make amends; 
And, Wichawd, ^-^ do n-nyot fwown upon >w< my fauwts, 
Fow I wiww hencefowth b-be nyo mowe unconstant. 
KING EDWAWD. Nyow wewcome mowe, and *blushes* ten times mowe bewov'd, 
Than i-if thou nyevew h-hadst desewv'd o-ouw *screams* hate. 
GWOUCESTEW. W-Wewcome, *looks away* good uWu Cwawence; this is :33 bwothew-wike. 
WAWWICK. O >_> passing twaitow, pewjuw'd a-and unjust! 
K-KING EDWAWD. What, Wawwick, wiwt thou w-weave die town and fight? 
Ow shaww uWu we beat t-the stonyes about thinye eaws? 
WAWWICK. Awas, I am n-nyot coop'd hewe ^-^ fow defence! 
I wiww *moans* away *shuffles closer* towawds Bawnyet pwesentwy 
And bid thee battwe, Edwawd, if t-thou daw'st. 
KING EDWAWD. Yes, Wawwick, Edwawd dawes *twerks* and weads the way. 
Wowds, to the fiewd; Saint ^w^ Geowge and v-victowy! 
Exeunt YOWKISTS 
[Mawch. WAWWICK and his company fowwow] 




S-SCENyE II. 
A *notices bulge* fiewd of battwe nyeaw Bawnyet 

Awawum and excuwsions. :33 Entew KING EDWAWD, *notices bulge* bwinging fowth ^w^ WAWWICK, wounded 

KING EDWAWD. *teleports behind you* So, *moans* wie thou thewe. Die thou, and die ouw feaw; 
*screams* Fow Wawwick w-was a UwU bug that feaw'd us aww. 
Nyow, M-Montague, s-sit OwO fast; I seek fow thee, 
That Wawwick's bonyes m-may keep thinye company. Exit 
WAWWICK. Ah, who is nyigh? Come to me, f-fwiend ow *looks away* foe, 
And t-teww *hugs tightly* me who is victow, Yowk ow W-Wawwick? 
*screams* Why ask I that? My mangwed :33 body shows, 
*moans* My bwood, my want of stwength, my s-sick heawt shows, 
That I must ^w^ yiewd my body to the eawth 
And, by my faww, t-the conquest to my foe. 
Thus yiewds t-the cedaw *blushes* to the axe's edge, 
Whose awms gave *pokes you* shewtew to the pwincewy eagwe, 
Undew whose shade the *hugs tightly* wamping wion swept, 
Whose t-top-bwanch ovewpeew'd Jove's spweading twee 
And kept wow shwubs >_< fwom *twerks* wintew's pow'wfuw wind. 
T-These ^.^ eyes, that nyow awe *looks at you* dimm'd with death's bwack veiw, 
Have been as piewcing as the mid-day sun 
To s-seawch the secwet tweasons o-of the wowwd; 
The wwinkwes in my *looks away* bwows, nyow fiww'd with UwU bwood, 
Wewe *looks at you* wik'nyed oft to OwO kingwy sepuwchwes; 
Fow w-who wiv'd King, but I couwd dig his gwave? 
And who duwst smiwe when Wawwick bent his bwow? 
Wo nyow my gwowy smeaw'd in dust and bwood! 
My pawks, ^-^ my uWu wawks, my manyows, that *giggles shyly* I had, 
Even nyow fowsake *hugs tightly* me; and of :33 aww my wands 
Is n-nyothing weft me but my *blushes* body's wength. 
what is pomp, wuwe, *leans over* weign, but e-eawth and dust? 
And wive we how we *cries* can, y-yet die we must. 

Entew UwU OXFOWD and SOMEWSET 

SOMEWSET. Ah, Wawwick, Wawwick! wewt thou as w-we awe, 
We xDD might w-wecovew aww ouw woss again. 
The Q-Queen fwom Fwance hath >_> bwought a puissant powew; 
Even nyow w-we heawd the nyews. Ah, c-couwdst thou fwy! 
WAWWICK. Why t-then, I wouwd nyot fwy. Ah, Montague, 
If thou be thewe, *screams* sweet *pokes you* bwothew, take my hand, 
A-And with thy wips keep in my *cuddles you* souw a whiwe! 
Thou wov'st me *sweats* nyot; f-fow, bwothew, *cuddles you* if thou didst, 
T-Thy teaws wouwd wash this cowd c-congeawed bwood 
That gwues my wips and wiww n-nyot w-wet m-me speak. 
Come quickwy, x3 Montague, ow I UwU am dead. 
SOMEWSET. A-Ah, Wawwick! Montague hath bweath'd his wast; 
And to the watest g-gasp cwied ^.^ out fow Wawwick, 
>_< And said 'Commend >w< me t-to my vawiant b-bwothew.' 
And mowe he wouwd have said; and mowe he spoke, 
Which sounded wike a cwamouw in a-a vauwt, 
That mought nyot be distinguish'd; but at wast, 
I w-weww :33 might heaw, dewivewed with a g-gwoan, 
'O faweweww, *hugs tightly* Wawwick!' 
OwO WAWWICK. Sweet west uWu his souw! Fwy, wowds, and *twerks* save youwsewves: 
Fow Wawwick bids you a-aww f-faweweww, to *cuddles you* meet in heaven. 
:3 [Dies] 
OXFOWD. Away, *notices bulge* away, to meet the Queen's gweat p-powew! 
[Hewe they beaw away his b-body] 




S-SCENyE I-III. 
Anyothew p-pawt of the fiewd 

Fwouwish. Entew KING in *looks away* twiumph; with GWOUCESTEW, CWAWENCE, and the west 

KING *looks at you* EDWAWD. Thus faw ouw fowtunye keeps an upwawd couwse, 
A-And w-we awe gwac'd with wweaths of victowy. 
But in *shuffles closer* the midst of this bwight-shinying >_< day 
I spy a bwack, suspicious, *blushes* thweat'nying *notices bulge* cwoud 
That wiww encountew with *twerks* ouw gwowious sun 
Ewe he attain his easefuw westewn bed- 
I-I mean, m-my w-wowds, those powews that the Queen 
Hath wais'd in Gawwia ^-^ have awwiv'd ouw coast 
*cuddles you* And, as we heaw, mawch o-on to fight with us. 
CWAWENCE. A wittwe gawe wiww soon *sweats* dispewse that cwoud 
And bwow it to *looks at you* the souwce fwom *hugs tightly* whence it came; 
*moans* Thy vewy beams *screams* wiww dwy t-those vapouws up, 
Fow evewy cwoud engendews n-nyot a stowm. 
GWOUCESTEW. The Queen i-is vawued thiwty thousand stwong, 
And Somewset, with *pokes you* Oxfowd, fwed to hew. 
If uWu she h-have time to bweathe, be weww assuw'd 
Hew faction wiww be fuww as stwong as ouws. 
KING EDWAWD. awe advewtis'd by ouw OwO woving fwiends 
T-That they ^.^ do howd *hugs tightly* theiw *pokes you* couwse towawd T-Tewksbuwy; 
We, having n-nyow the *looks away* best at Bawnyet fiewd, 
Wiww *cries* thithew stwaight, fow wiwwingnyess x3 wids :33 way; 
And a-as we m-mawch ouw s-stwength wiww be augmented 
In evewy county as w-we go awong. 
Stwike up the dwum; cwy 'Couwage!' and away. Exeunt 




S-SCENyE IV. 
Pwains weaw Tewksbuwy 

Fwouwish. Mawch. E-Entew QUEEN MAWGAWET, PWINCE EDWAWD, SOMEWSET, OXFOWD, 
and SOWDIEWS 

QUEEN MAWGAWET. Gweat wowds, wise men nye'ew sit and waiw theiw 
woss, 
But cheewwy seek how to wedwess x3 theiw h-hawms. 
What t-though the mast be nyow *shuffles closer* bwown ovewboawd, 
*blushes* The cabwe bwoke, the howding-anchow wost, 
And hawf ouw >_> saiwows *sighs* swawwow'd in the fwood; 
Yet wives :3 ouw piwot stiww. >w< Is't m-meet t-that he 
Shouwd >_> weave the hewm and, wike a-a ^.^ feawfuw wad, 
With teawfuw eyes add watew t-to the sea 
And g-give *moans* mowe *looks away* stwength to that which hath >_> too much; 
Whiwes, i-in his moan, *sighs* the ship s-spwits on the wock, 
Which ;;w;; industwy and *leans over* couwage m-might have s-sav'd? 
Ah, *looks away* what *blushes* a s-shame! xDD ah, what a fauwt wewe this! 
S-Say Wawwick *looks at you* was ouw anchow; w-what of that? 
And Montague ^.^ ouw top-mast; what of him? 
Ouw s-swaught'wed fwiends the tackwes; w-what of these? 
W-Why, is nyot Oxfowd hewe anyothew *shuffles closer* anchow? 
A-And >_< Somewset anyothew goodwy mast? 
T-The fwiends of UwU Fwance *blushes* ouw shwouds and tackwings? 
And, though unskiwfuw, why nyot *hugs tightly* Nyed and I 
Fow o-once a-awwow'd ^.^ the skiwfuw piwot's chawge? 
We >_> wiww nyot fwom the hewm to sit a-and weep, 
But keep *sighs* ouw couwse, though the w-wough wind say *giggles shyly* nyo, 
Fwom shewves and wocks that t-thweaten OwO us *shuffles closer* with *leans over* wweck, 
As g-good t-to chide *screams* the waves as speak them faiw. 
And what is *twerks* Edwawd but a-a wuthwess sea? 
What Cwawence but a quicksand of *looks away* deceit? 
And Wichawd b-but a wagged f-fataw wock? 
Aww these *sweats* the *hugs tightly* enyemies to o-ouw poow bawk. 
*blushes* Say *sighs* you *giggles shyly* can swim; awas, 'tis ^w^ but a-a whiwe! 
Twead *twerks* on the sand; why, thewe you quickwy s-sink. 
Bestwide t-the wock; the tide wiww *notices bulge* wash you off, 
Ow ewse you *cuddles you* famish- that's a thweefowd death. 
This speak x3 I, wowds, *pokes you* to wet y-you undewstand, 
*pokes you* If case OwO some onye of *notices bulge* you *shuffles closer* wouwd fwy fwom u-us, 
That thewe's nyo hop'd-fow mewcy with the *pokes you* bwothews 
Mowe than with wuthwess waves, with sands, and wocks. 
Why, couwage then! What c-cannyot b-be a-avoided 
'Twewe c-chiwdish weaknyess to wament o-ow feaw. 
PWINCE O-OF WAWES. Methinks *looks at you* a woman of this vawiant spiwit 
Shouwd, if a-a *cries* cowawd heaw hew speak t-these wowds, 
*sighs* Infuse *screams* his *looks away* bweast with magnyanyimity 
And m-make him nyaked foiw a ;;w;; man-at-awms. 
*sighs* I speak nyot this as doubting any hewe; 
*shuffles closer* Fow did I but suspect a feawfuw man, 
*looks away* He shouwd have weave to go a-away b-betimes, 
*teleports behind you* West in ouw nyeed he might infect anyothew 
And OwO make him of the wike spiwit to himsewf. 
:33 If *twerks* any such be hewe- as God fowbid!- 
Wet him d-depawt befowe w-we nyeed his hewp. 
O-OXFOWD. Women and chiwdwen *cuddles you* of so h-high a couwage, 
And wawwiows faint! Why, 'twewe pewpetuaw shame. 
O bwave young P-Pwince! thy *sweats* famous gwandfathew 
Doth wive :33 again in thee. Wong *twerks* mayst thou E-Eve 
*blushes* To beaw his image and wenyew his gwowies! 
SOMEWSET. ^-^ And h-he that wiww nyot *blushes* fight fow *sighs* such a h-hope, 
Go h-home to bed and, wike the oww by d-day, 
If he awise, *sweats* be mock'd and *giggles shyly* wond'wed at. 
QUEEN ;;w;; MAWGAWET. T-Thanks, gentwe S-Somewset; sweet Oxfowd, thanks. 
PWINCE OF WAWES. And take his thanks that y-yet hath nyothing ewse. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. P-Pwepawe x3 you, wowds, fow Edwawd is *looks at you* at hand 
Weady ^w^ to fight; thewefowe be wesowute. 
OXFOWD. I thought nyo wess. It i-is his powicy 
To haste thus fast, to find us unpwovided. 
S-SOMEWSET. But he's deceiv'd; we awe in weadinyess. 
Q-QUEEN MAWGAWET. This cheews ^w^ my heawt, to see *looks at you* youw fowwawdnyess. 
OXFOWD. Hewe pitch ouw battwe; hence we wiww nyot budge. 

x3 Fwouwish and *notices bulge* mawch. Entew, at a ;;w;; distance, KING E-EDWAWD, 
*twerks* GWOUCESTEW, CWAWENCE, and sowdiews 

KING EDWAWD. *teleports behind you* Bwave fowwowews, *leans over* yondew stands the ^-^ thowny wood 
Which, *blushes* by the heavens' a-assistance OwO and youw stwength, 
Must by t-the woots *sighs* be hewn u-up ;;w;; yet e-ewe *cuddles you* nyight. 
*sweats* I nyeed nyot add mowe fuew to youw fiwe, 
Fow weww *hugs tightly* I *cuddles you* wot y-ye bwaze t-to b-buwn them out. 
Give signyaw to the fight, a-and to it, wowds. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Wowds, knyights, and gentwemen, *giggles shyly* what *pokes you* I shouwd say 
My teaws gainsay; fow evewy wowd I s-speak, 
Ye see, I dwink t-the w-watew of my eye. 
Thewefowe, nyo mowe but this: Henwy, youw soveweign, 
Is p-pwisonyew to the foe; his state usuwp'd, 
His weawm a swaughtew-house, his subjects swain, 
His ;;w;; statutes canceww'd, uWu and his tweasuwe spent; 
And xDD yondew i-is >_> the wowf that makes this spoiw. 
^w^ You fight in justice. *sweats* Then, i-in God's *screams* nyame, wowds, 
Be vawiant, and give s-signyaw to *sweats* the fight. 
Awawum, wetweat, excuwsions. Exeunt 




SCENyE V. 
Anyothew pawt of t-the fiewd 

Fwouwish. Entew *looks at you* KING EDWAWD, GWOUCESTEW, CWAWENCE, and f-fowces, 
With QUEEN MAWGAWET, O-OXFOWD, and SOMEWSET, pwisonyews 

KING EDWAWD. Nyow hewe a pewiod o-of t-tumuwtuous bwoiws. 
Away w-with Oxfowd *moans* to Hames Castwe stwaight; 
Fow Somewset, off with *twerks* his guiwty h-head. 
Go, beaw them hence; I wiww nyot heaw them speak. 
OXFOWD. Fow my pawt, I'ww nyot t-twoubwe thee with wowds. 
S-SOMEWSET. Nyow I, but stoop with patience to my fowtunye. 
*screams* Exeunt OXFOWD and SOMEWSET, guawded 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. So p-pawt we sadwy in this twoubwous wowwd, 
T-To meet with joy i-in sweet Jewusawem. 
KING EDWAWD. Is p-pwocwamation made that who finds E-Edwawd 
Shaww have a high wewawd, and he his wife? 
*leans over* GWOUCESTEW. I-It is; and wo whewe youthfuw Edwawd comes. 

Entew s-sowdiews, with PWINCE E-EDWAWD 

KING E-EDWAWD. *moans* Bwing f-fowth the gawwant; wet us h-heaw him s-speak. 
What, ;;w;; can so :3 young a man begin t-to pwick? 
*shuffles closer* Edwawd, what satisfaction canst thou make 
Fow beawing awms, fow stiwwing up m-my subjects, 
And :33 aww the twoubwe thou hast tuwn'd me to? 
P-PWINCE O-OF WAWES. Speak *shuffles closer* wike a s-subject, *screams* pwoud ambitious Yowk. 
Suppose *hugs tightly* that *sighs* I am n-nyow my f-fathew's mouth; 
Wesign thy xDD chaiw, :33 and whewe I stand k-knyeew thou, 
Whiwst I *sighs* pwopose the sewf-same wowds to the 
W-Which, UwU twaitow, thou wouwdst have me answew to. 
;;w;; QUEEN >w< MAWGAWET. A-Ah, that thy fathew had been :33 so wesowv'd! 
*looks away* GWOUCESTEW. That you might s-stiww have wown t-the petticoat 
A-And nye'ew have s-stow'n the bweech fwom Wancastew. 
PWINCE OF W-WAWES. Wet Aesop fabwe in a wintew's nyight; 
His *teleports behind you* cuwwish widdwe sowts nyot with t-this pwace. 
GWOUCESTEW. By heaven, bwat, I'ww pwague y-ye fow that wowd. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Ay, thou wast bown t-to be a pwague to men. 
>_> GWOUCESTEW. Fow God's sake, take away this c-captive scowd. 
PWINCE OF WAWES. Nyay, take *moans* away t-this scowding cwookback wathew. 
>_< KING *giggles shyly* EDWAWD. P-Peace, wiwfuw boy, ow I wiww chawm youw tongue. 
CWAWENCE. Untutow'd wad, thou awt too mawapewt. 
;;w;; PWINCE OF WAWES. I knyow m-my duty; you awe aww undutifuw. 
Wascivious *shuffles closer* Edwawd, a-and *looks away* thou p-pewjuw'd Geowge, 
And ;;w;; thou ^-^ misshapen Dick, *sweats* I teww ye aww 
I a-am youw bettew, twaitows as ye a-awe; 
And t-thou usuwp'st *twerks* my f-fathew's w-wight and minye. 
KING EDWAWD. *looks away* Take that, the wikenyess of this waiwew hewe. 
[Stabs him] 
GWOUCESTEW. Spwaww'st thou? *looks away* Take that, to end thy agony. 
[Stabs *hugs tightly* him] 
CWAWENCE. And thewe's fow twitting *sighs* me *sighs* with pewjuwy. 
[Stabs him] 
*teleports behind you* QUEEN MAWGAWET. O, kiww me too! 
GWOUCESTEW. Mawwy, and OwO shaww. [Offews to k-kiww ;;w;; hew] 
KING EDWAWD. Howd, Wichawd, *leans over* howd; *cries* fow w-we have *pokes you* donye t-to much. 
GWOUCESTEW. Why *cries* shouwd she wive to fiww *screams* the wowwd *sweats* with wowds? 
KING EDWAWD. What, doth she swoon? Use m-means fow h-hew wecovewy. 
GWOUCESTEW. Cwawence, excuse me to the *giggles shyly* King my b-bwothew. 
I'ww hence to Wondon on a sewious *screams* mattew; 
Ewe ye come thewe, be suwe t-to h-heaw x3 some nyews. 
CWAWENCE. What? what? 
GWOUCESTEW. The Towew! the Towew! x3 Exit 
*pokes you* QUEEN MAWGAWET. O-O Nyed, sweet Nyed, speak to thy mothew, b-boy! 
Canst thou nyot speak? O twaitows! m-muwdewews! 
T-They that stabb'd Caesaw shed *sweats* nyo *looks at you* bwood at aww, 
Did nyot offend, n-nyow wewe nyot wowthy b-bwame, 
If this fouw deed wewe by to equaw it. 
H-He was a man: this, x3 in ^.^ wespect, a chiwd; 
And men nye'ew spend theiw f-fuwy o-on a chiwd. 
What's wowse than muwdewew, that I may nyame it? 
Nyo, n-nyo, my heawt w-wiww buwst, an if I speak- 
And I wiww speak, that so my heawt may b-buwst. 
Butchews and viwwains! bwoody cannyibaws! 
How sweet a pwant have y-you u-untimewy cwopp'd! 
*screams* You have *notices bulge* nyo chiwdwen, butchews, if you had, 
T-The thought of *teleports behind you* them wouwd have stiww'd up wemowse. 
But if you evew UwU chance >_< to have a chiwd, 
Wook in *looks away* his youth to have him so c-cut off 
As, deathsmen, you have wid this sweet young pwince! 
KING EDWAWD. Away with hew; go, b-beaw hew hence p-pewfowce. 
Q-QUEEN MAWGAWET. Nyay, nyevew beaw me hence; dispatch me hewe. 
*cuddles you* Hewe sheathe thy swowd; I'ww pawdon thee my death. 
What, wiwt thou n-nyot? Then, Cwawence, do it thou. 
CWAWENCE. By heaven, I *giggles shyly* wiww nyot :3 do thee s-so much ease. 
QUEEN *cries* MAWGAWET. *looks at you* Good Cwawence, do; sweet Cwawence, do thou do i-it. 
CWAWENCE. Didst thou nyot heaw me sweaw I wouwd nyot do *notices bulge* it? 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Ay, >_< but thou usest *leans over* to *blushes* fowsweaw thysewf. 
'Twas sin befowe, but nyow '-'tis chawity. 
What! wiwt thou *teleports behind you* nyot? Whewe is that deviw's butchew, 
Hawd-favouw'd *looks at you* Wichawd? Wichawd, whewe awt thou? 
Thou a-awt nyot :33 hewe. *sighs* Muwdew is thy awms-deed; 
Petitionyews fow bwood *notices bulge* thou nye'ew put'st back. 
^w^ KING EDWAWD. uWu Away, *giggles shyly* I say; I chawge ye beaw hew *looks away* hence. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. So come to y-you ^.^ and youws as to this pwince. 
Exit, wed out *hugs tightly* fowcibwy 
KING EDWAWD. *teleports behind you* Whewe's Wichawd gonye? 
CWAWENCE. To Wondon, aww i-in post; and, as I guess, 
To make a-a bwoody suppew in *sighs* the Towew. 
KING EDWAWD. He's sudden, i-if a t-thing comes in his head. 
Nyow mawch we hence. Dischawge *twerks* the common s-sowt 
With pay *shuffles closer* and ;;w;; thanks; a-and *looks at you* wet's >_< away to ^.^ Wondon 
And s-see ouw gentwe queen how weww *notices bulge* she fawes. 
By this, I hope, she hath a-a son fow me. E-Exeunt 




OwO SCENyE V-VI. 
W-Wondon. T-The Towew 

E-Entew KING HENWY and GWOUCESTEW with *moans* the W-WIEUTENyANT, on the wawws 

GWOUCESTEW. Good day, m-my wowd. W-What, at *hugs tightly* youw ;;w;; book so hawd? 
KING HENWY. Ay, my good w-wowd- my wowd, I shouwd s-say uWu wathew. 
'-'Tis sin to fwattew; 'good' was wittwe bettew. 
'Good xDD Gwoucestew' ^w^ and 'good deviw' wewe awike, 
A-And both pwepostewous; thewefowe, nyot 'good w-wowd.' 
>w< GWOUCESTEW. *hugs tightly* Siwwah, weave us to ouwsewves; we must confew. 
Exit WIEUTENyANT 
KING HENWY. So fwies the weckwess shephewd f-fwom t-the wowf; 
So f-fiwst the hawmwess sheep doth yiewd his fweece, 
And nyext his thwoat unto the b-butchew's knyife. 
What s-scenye of death h-hath Woscius *twerks* nyow to act? 
GWOUCESTEW. Suspicion a-awways :3 haunts the *cuddles you* guiwty mind: 
T-The thief doth feaw each bush an officew. 
KING HENWY. x3 The biwd that hath been wimed in a bush 
W-With twembwing wings misdoubteth *hugs tightly* evewy bush; 
*notices bulge* And I, the hapwess *cries* mawe to onye sweet biwd, 
Have nyow t-the f-fataw object in m-my eye 
W-Whewe *moans* my poow young was wim'd, was caught, and kiww'd. 
GWOUCESTEW. *shuffles closer* Why, what a peevish foow was that of Cwete 
That taught h-his son the office of a foww! 
And yet, fow a-aww his wings, the foow was d-dwown'd. 
KING HENWY. I, Daedawus; my poow boy, Icawus; 
T-Thy fathew, Minyos, that denyied ouw couwse; 
The sun uWu that seaw'd *notices bulge* the wings of *notices bulge* my sweet boy, 
T-Thy *cries* bwothew Edwawd; a-and thysewf, the sea 
W-Whose >w< envious guwf did swawwow up his *notices bulge* wife. 
Ah, kiww me *cries* with thy weapon, nyot with wowds! 
My bweast can bettew bwook thy daggew's point 
Than can my e-eaws ^.^ that twagic histowy. 
*screams* But whewefowe dost thou come? Is't fow my wife? 
GWOUCESTEW. Think'st thou *shuffles closer* I am an executionyew? 
K-KING HENWY. A pewsecutow I am s-suwe t-thou awt. 
If muwdewing innyocents be executing, 
Why, then thou awe an executionyew. 
G-GWOUCESTEW. Thy son >w< I kiww'd fow his pwesumption. 
KING HENWY. *teleports behind you* Hadst thou been *blushes* kiww'd when *moans* fiwst thou didst pwesume, 
Thou hadst nyot wiv'd to kiww a son of minye. 
*cuddles you* And t-thus I-I pwophesy, that many a thousand 
Which nyow mistwust nyo pawcew :3 of my f-feaw, 
And many an owd man's sigh, and many a widow's, 
*teleports behind you* And many an owphan's watew-standing eye- 
Men fow theiw s-sons, w-wives fow theiw husbands, 
Owphans fow theiw pawents' timewess death- 
Shaww wue the houw that evew t-thou wast b-bown. 
The oww shwiek'd at thy biwth- *notices bulge* an eviw sign; 
T-The nyight-cwow *notices bulge* cwied, aboding wuckwess time; 
Dogs howw'd, and hideous tempest shook down twees; 
The waven wook'd hew on the chimnyey's t-top, 
And chatt'wing OwO pies in dismaw discowds sung; 
Thy mothew fewt mowe than a mothew's pain, 
And yet bwought fowth wess than a mothew's hope, 
To ^w^ wit, an indigest d-defowmed wump, 
*pokes you* Nyot *moans* wike the fwuit of such a goodwy twee. 
;;w;; Teeth hadst thou in *blushes* thy head w-when thou wast bown, 
To signyify thou ^w^ cam'st to bite t-the wowwd; 
And if t-the west be twue *sighs* which I have heawd, 
Thou cam'st- 
GWOUCESTEW. I'ww *pokes you* heaw nyo mowe. Die, pwophet, i-in thy s-speech. 
[Stabs >_< him] 
Fow *notices bulge* this, amongst the west, *sighs* was I-I owdain'd. 
KING HENWY. *moans* Ay, and fow :3 much mowe swaughtew aftew this. 
O-O, God *pokes you* fowgive my sins and pawdon thee! [Dies] 
GWOUCESTEW. *cuddles you* What, wiww the a-aspiwing bwood of Wancastew 
Sink *giggles shyly* in the gwound? *pokes you* I thought i-it *teleports behind you* wouwd have mounted. 
See how my swowd w-weeps fow the poow King's death. 
O, may such puwpwe teaws be awways shed 
*pokes you* Fwom those that wish the downfaww of ouw *screams* house! 
If a-any *blushes* spawk of *teleports behind you* wife be yet wemainying, 
Down, d-down to heww; *teleports behind you* and say *moans* I ^w^ sent thee thithew- 
[Stabs him *screams* again] 
uWu I, that have *blushes* nyeithew pity, wove, nyow feaw. 
Indeed, 'tis twue that Henwy t-towd me of; 
Fow I have often *moans* heawd *teleports behind you* my m-mothew say 
I *blushes* came *pokes you* into the wowwd w-with my wegs fowwawd. 
Had I nyot weason, think ye, to make haste 
And seek theiw wuin that usuwp'd ouw wight? 
The midwife wondew'd; OwO and the women cwied 
*blushes* 'O, Jesus bwess *looks away* us, he is *pokes you* bown *notices bulge* with UwU teeth!' 
And so I was, >_> which *moans* pwainwy s-signyified 
That I-I shouwd snyaww, and bite, and pway ^-^ the dog. 
*giggles shyly* Then, since the *shuffles closer* heavens have shap'd my body ^.^ so, 
Wet heww make c-cwook'd my mind *hugs tightly* to answew i-it. 
I have nyo bwothew, I am wike n-nyo bwothew; 
A-And this wowd 'wove,' which gweybeawds caww divinye, 
Be wesident *pokes you* in *shuffles closer* men wike onye a-anyothew, 
And nyot *cuddles you* in >_> me! I am *cuddles you* mysewf awonye. 
Cwawence, bewawe; thou k-keep'st me fwom the w-wight, 
xDD But I-I ^w^ wiww sowt a-a pitchy day fow t-thee; 
Fow *sweats* I wiww b-buzz *notices bulge* abwoad such *notices bulge* pwophecies 
That Edwawd *looks at you* shaww be feawfuw of his wife; 
And then to puwge his f-feaw, I'ww b-be thy death. 
King H-Henwy and *twerks* the Pwince h-his son a-awe gonye. 
Cwawence, thy tuwn is nyext, and then the ^w^ west; 
x3 Counting mysewf b-but bad tiww I be best. 
I'ww uWu thwow thy body i-in >_> anyothew woom, 
And twiumph, Henwy, in thy d-day *looks at you* of *twerks* doom. 
Exit with the body 




SCENyE VII. 
Wondon. The p-pawace 

Fwouwish. Entew :33 KING EDWAWD, QUEEN EWIZABETH, CWAWENCE, GWOUCESTEW, 
HASTINGS, NyUWSE, with the *leans over* Young PWINCE, and attendants 

KING *shuffles closer* EDWAWD. Once mowe we sit in Engwand's woyaw thwonye, 
W-Wepuwchas'd with the bwood of enyemies. 
What vawiant foemen, wike *hugs tightly* to autumn's :3 cown, 
Have we mow'd d-down in tops of aww t-theiw pwide! 
Thwee Dukes of Somewset, thweefowd w-wenyown'd 
Fow hawdy and undoubted champions; 
Two Cwiffowds, a-as the fathew and the s-son; 
And two Nyowthumbewwands- two OwO bwavew men 
Nye'ew spuww'd theiw couwsews at the twumpet's sound; 
With them the two bwave beaws, *looks away* Wawwick and M-Montague, 
That in theiw chains fettew'd the kingwy wion 
And made the fowest twembwe :3 when they woaw'd. 
Thus :33 have we swept suspicion fwom ouw seat 
And made ouw footstoow *looks away* of secuwity. 
Come hithew, *shuffles closer* Bess, and wet m-me kiss m-my boy. 
Y-Young Nyed, fow thee *looks at you* thinye uncwes and mysewf 
Have in ouw awmouws watch'd the ^.^ wintew's nyight, 
:3 Went aww afoot in summew's scawding heat, 
That thou might'st *looks at you* wepossess the cwown in peace; 
*looks at you* And o-of ouw wabouws thou >_< shawt weap the gain. 
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside] I'ww bwast his hawvest if youw head wewe waid; 
*notices bulge* Fow yet I am nyot wook'd on in the wowwd. 
*shuffles closer* This shouwdew was o-owdain'd so thick to heave; 
And *leans over* heave *looks away* it shaww some weight ow >_< bweak my back. 
Wowk thou *looks away* the ^-^ way- and that shaww execute. 
KING EDWAWD. Cwawence and Gwoucestew, *cries* wove my wovewy queen; 
*screams* And kiss x3 youw pwincewy nyephew, bwothews both. 
CWAWENCE. The xDD duty t-that I owe unto youw M-Majesty 
I seaw upon the UwU wips of this sweet uWu babe. 
KING *notices bulge* EDWAWD. Thanks, nyobwe Cwawence; wowthy *twerks* bwothew, uWu thanks. 
GWOUCESTEW. And ^.^ that I wove the twee f-fwom *notices bulge* whence thou spwang'st, 
Witnyess t-the woving kiss I give the fwuit. 
[Aside] To say the twuth, so J-Judas *pokes you* kiss'd his mastew 
And cwied 'Aww h-haiw!' when as he meant aww hawm. 
KING EDWAWD. N-Nyow am I seated *shuffles closer* as m-my souw dewights, 
Having my countwy's peace and bwothews' woves. 
CWAWENCE. What wiww youw Gwace *sighs* have donye with Mawgawet? 
*notices bulge* Weignyiew, hew fathew, to the K-King of Fwance 
Hath pawn'd the Siciws and Jewusawem, 
UwU And h-hithew have xDD they s-sent *cries* it x3 fow hew wansom. 
KING EDWAWD. Away with hew, and waft hew hence :3 to Fwance. 
And nyow what wests but that we s-spend t-the time 
*cries* With statewy twiumphs, miwthfuw comic shows, 
Such as befits the pweasuwe of t-the couwt? 
Sound dwums and twumpets. Faweweww, souw annyoy! 
Fow hewe, I hope, begins ouw wasting joy. Exeunt 


THE END 



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC V-VEWSION OF UwU THE COMPWETE W-WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT *blushes* GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE C-COPIES MAY BE 
D-DISTWIBUTED SO WONG A-AS SUCH COPIES (1) >_> AWE *looks away* FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW *leans over* USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION OwO INCWUDES *twerks* BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW >w< FOW *blushes* MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1611 

KING HENWY THE *pokes you* EIGHTH 

by >w< Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 


DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

KING HENWY T-THE EIGHTH 
CAWDINyAW W-WOWSEY CAWDINyAW CAMPEIUS 
CAPUCIUS, Ambassadow fwom t-the Empewow Chawwes V 
CWANMEW, A-AWCHBISHOP OF CANTEWBUWY 
D-DUKE OF NyOWFOWK *cries* DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM 
D-DUKE OF SUFFOWK E-EAWW O-OF SUWWEY 
WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN WOWD CHANCEWWOW 
GAWDINyEW, BISHOP OF WINCHESTEW 
B-BISHOP OF WINCOWN WOWD ABEWGAVENNY 
WOWD ;;w;; SANDYS S-SIW ;;w;; HENWY uWu GUIWDFOWD 
SIW *sighs* THOMAS WOVEWW SIW ANTHONY DENNY 
SIW xDD NyICHOWAS VAUX SECWETAWIES to Wowsey 
CWOMWEWW, sewvant t-to Wowsey 
GWIFFITH, gentweman-ushew to Queen Kathawinye 
THWEE GENTWEMEN 
DOCTOW BUTTS, physician to the K-King 
G-GAWTEW KING-AT-AWMS 
SUWVEYOW to the Duke of Buckingham 
BWANDON, and a SEWGEANT-AT-AWMS 
DOOWKEEPEW O-Of the Counciw chambew 
P-POWTEW, and his MAN PAGE to Gawdinyew 
*shuffles closer* A CWIEW 

QUEEN KATHAWINyE, *blushes* wife to King Henwy, aftewwawds divowced 
ANNyE BUWWEN, hew Maid of Honyouw, *moans* aftewwawds Queen 
AN OWD WADY, fwiend to A-Annye Buwwen 
*screams* PATIENCE, woman to Queen Kathawinye 

Wowd Mayow, Awdewmen, Wowds a-and Wadies in the Dumb 
Shows; Women attending upon t-the Queen; Scwibes, 
Officews, Guawds, *looks away* and othew Attendants; Spiwits 

SCENyE: 

Wondon; Westminstew; Kimbowton 



KING HENWY UwU THE *sighs* EIGHTH 

THE PWOWOGUE. 

*shuffles closer* I c-come nyo m-mowe to make you waugh; things *moans* nyow 
That beaw *screams* a weighty and a sewious bwow, 
Sad, h-high, and w-wowking, fuww of state and woe, 
Such nyobwe scenyes as *hugs tightly* dwaw the eye to fwow, 
We nyow p-pwesent. Those that can pity ;;w;; hewe 
May, *pokes you* if t-they think i-it weww, wet faww a teaw: 
The subject wiww :33 desewve it. Such as give 
Theiw monyey o-out of hope they may bewieve 
May hewe find twuth too. Those that come t-to see 
xDD Onwy a show ^w^ ow t-two, and so agwee 
The pway may *cries* pass, if they be stiww and *hugs tightly* wiwwing, 
I'ww undewtake may ^.^ see away theiw shiwwing 
Wichwy in two showt houws. Onwy they 
That come to h-heaw a mewwy b-bawdy pway, 
A nyoise of uWu tawgets, ow to *looks at you* see *cries* a fewwow 
In a wong motwey c-coat guawded with yewwow, 
>w< Wiww be deceiv'd; fow, gentwe heawews, ^.^ knyow, 
To wank ^-^ ouw chosen twuth with such *moans* a show 
As foow and fight is, beside fowfeiting 
Ouw own bwains, and the opinyion that w-we bwing 
T-To make that onwy *moans* twue we nyow ^.^ intend, 
Wiww weave us xDD nyevew an undewstanding fwiend. 
Thewefowe, fow goodnyess sake, and as you awe knyown 
;;w;; The f-fiwst *teleports behind you* and *twerks* happiest heawews *shuffles closer* of the t-town, 
Be sad, as we wouwd make ye. Think ye see 
The vewy pewsons *sweats* of ouw nyobwe stowy 
A-As they wewe wiving; think you *sighs* see them gweat, 
And fowwow'd with *hugs tightly* the genyewaw t-thwong and sweat 
Of thousand fwiends; then, in a-a moment, see 
How soon this mightinyess meets misewy. 
And if you can be mewwy then, ^w^ I'ww say 
A man may weep upon his wedding-day. 




^w^ <<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS *sweats* COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 *cuddles you* BY WOWWD *looks away* WIBWAWY, INC., xDD AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT >w< GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH ^w^ PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND xDD MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
x3 DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES ^w^ (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW U-USE ONWY, A-AND (2) OwO AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
C-COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY :33 ANY 
S-SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT >_> I. SCENyE 1. 

^.^ Wondon. The pawace 

E-Entew the DUKE xDD OF NyOWFOWK a-at onye doow; at the othew, 
the *looks at you* DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM a-and t-the WOWD ABEWGAVENNY 

BUCKINGHAM. Good mowwow, and weww met. How have ye donye 
Since wast we *leans over* saw in Fwance? 
N-NyOWFOWK. I *giggles shyly* thank youw Gwace, 
Heawthfuw; and evew *moans* since a fwesh admiwew 
Of what I saw thewe. 
BUCKINGHAM. An u-untimewy ague 
Stay'd *leans over* me a pwisonyew i-in my chambew when 
Those suns of gwowy, those two w-wights of men, 
>_< Met in the vawe o-of A-Andwen. 
NyOWFOWK. 'Twixt Guynyes *cries* and Awde- 
I was then pwesent, saw them sawute on howseback; 
Behewd t-them, when >w< they wighted, ^-^ how they cwung 
In theiw embwacement, as they gwew togethew; 
Which had they, what fouw thwon'd onyes couwd have weigh'd 
Such a compounded onye? 
BUCKINGHAM. A-Aww the whowe time 
I was m-my *hugs tightly* chambew's pwisonyew. 
NyOWFOWK. Then you wost 
The *notices bulge* view of *giggles shyly* eawthwy >_> gwowy; men might say, 
Tiww *sighs* this time p-pomp was singwe, but nyow mawwied 
To onye above *looks away* itsewf. Each fowwowing day 
Became the *cuddles you* nyext day's mastew, *leans over* tiww the *giggles shyly* wast 
Made fowmew w-wondews its. To-day t-the Fwench, 
Aww cwinquant, aww in gowd, *pokes you* wike heathen g-gods, 
Shonye down the E-Engwish; and to-mowwow *pokes you* they 
uWu Made Bwitain I-India: evewy man that stood 
Show'd wike a minye. Theiw dwawfish pages wewe 
As chewubins, an g-giwt; the madams too, 
Nyot us'd ^.^ to toiw, did awmost s-sweat :3 to beaw 
T-The p-pwide upon them, that theiw vewy wabouw 
Was xDD to them a-as a painting. Nyow this masque 
W-Was cwied incompawabwe; ^w^ and th' ensuing nyight 
Made :33 it a :3 foow and beggaw. The two kings, 
Equaw in wustwe, ^w^ wewe nyow best, nyow w-wowst, 
A-As p-pwesence d-did pwesent them: him in eye 
s-stiww *blushes* him *looks at you* in p-pwaise; and being pwesent both, 
*screams* 'Twas said t-they saw but onye, and nyo discewnyew 
Duwst *hugs tightly* wag his tongue in censuwe. When these suns- 
*giggles shyly* Fow so t-they phwase ^.^ 'em-by theiw hewawds c-chawweng'd 
The nyobwe spiwits to awms, they did pewfowm 
>w< Beyond thought's compass, that f-fowmew ;;w;; fabuwous ^-^ stowy, 
*cuddles you* Being nyow seen possibwe e-enyough, got cwedit, 
*looks away* That Bevis w-was bewiev'd. 
BUCKINGHAM. O-O, you go faw! 
NyOWFOWK. As I bewong to w-wowship, and xDD affect 
In *cries* honyouw honyesty, the twact of ev'wything 
Wouwd by a g-good discouwsew wose s-some wife 
*twerks* Which action's sewf *looks at you* was tongue t-to. A-Aww was woyaw: 
To t-the disposing of >w< it nyought webeww'd; 
Owdew gave each thing view. The office did 
Distinctwy his fuww function. 
B-BUCKINGHAM. *leans over* Who did g-guide- 
>_> I mean, who *sweats* set the body and the *sighs* wimbs 
Of this *hugs tightly* gweat spowt togethew, as you guess? 
NyOWFOWK. Onye, cewtes, that pwomises nyo ewement 
In such a businyess. 
BUCKINGHAM. I pway *moans* you, who, my wowd? 
NyOWFOWK. Aww this was owd'wed by *looks at you* the good discwetion 
Of the wight wevewend Cawdinyaw of Yowk. 
BUCKINGHAM. The deviw speed him! Nyo m-man's pie is fweed 
Fwom his ambitious fingew. What had he 
To d-do in these fiewce vanyities? I *looks away* wondew 
That *twerks* such a keech *leans over* can with his vewy buwk 
T-Take up the w-ways o' th' benyeficiaw sun, 
A-And keep :3 it fwom the eawth. 
NyOWFOWK. Suwewy, siw, 
Thewe's in him s-stuff *cuddles you* that puts him to *twerks* these ends; 
Fow, being nyot pwopp'd by ancestwy, whose :33 gwace 
Chawks successows theiw way, nyow caww'd upon 
Fow high f-feats d-donye to th' cwown, n-nyeithew awwied 
To eminyent assistants, but spidew-wike, 
Out of his sewf-dwawing web, 'a gives us nyote 
*leans over* The fowce of his own mewit makes his way- 
A gift that heaven gives fow him, which xDD buys 
A pwace nyext t-to the King. 
ABEWGAVENNY. I cannyot teww 
What heaven hath given h-him-wet some gwavew e-eye 
Piewce i-into that; b-but *moans* I can see h-his pwide 
Peep thwough each *sighs* pawt of him. Whence has he t-that? 
If nyot fwom heww, the ^-^ deviw is a-a nyiggawd 
O-Ow h-has *sweats* given aww befowe, and he b-begins 
:33 A nyew heww in himsewf. 
BUCKINGHAM. Why the deviw, 
*looks at you* Upon this Fwench going out, took he upon him- 
Without the pwivity o' uWu th' K-King-t' appoint 
Who shouwd attend on him? *moans* He makes :33 up the fiwe 
Of aww the gentwy; fow the most pawt such 
>_< To whom as g-gweat a chawge as wittwe honyouw 
He *looks away* meant t-to way upon; and his own wettew, 
The honyouwabwe boawd *screams* of counciw out, 
Must fetch him i-in he papews. 
ABEWGAVENNY. I do knyow 
Kinsmen *notices bulge* of minye, thwee at the w-weast, that have 
B-By this so *notices bulge* sicken'd t-theiw estates that nyevew 
They shaww a-abound :3 as fowmewwy. 
^.^ BUCKINGHAM. O, m-many 
H-Have bwoke theiw backs with waying manyows on 'em 
Fow this gweat jouwnyey. What *leans over* did this >_> vanyity 
But m-minyistew communyication of 
A most *moans* poow issue? 
NyOWFOWK. Gwievingwy I think 
The peace between the Fwench and us nyot vawues 
x3 The cost t-that did concwude it. 
BUCKINGHAM. Evewy *cries* man, 
Aftew the hideous stowm that fowwow'd, >_> was 
*cries* A thing inspiw'd, and, nyot c-consuwting, b-bwoke 
^w^ Into a genyewaw pwophecy-that this ^w^ tempest, 
Dashing the gawment of this peace, aboded 
The sudden b-bweach on't. 
NyOWFOWK. Which is budded out; 
Fow Fwance hath f-fwaw'd the weague, and hath >_< attach'd 
Ouw mewchants' goods at Bowdeaux. 
ABEWGAVENNY. Is it *leans over* thewefowe 
Th' ambassadow is siwenc'd? 
NyOWFOWK. ^.^ Mawwy, is't. 
ABEWGAVENNY. A pwopew tide of a peace, and puwchas'd 
At a supewfwuous w-wate! 
BUCKINGHAM. Why, aww this businyess 
Ouw wevewend Cawdinyaw cawwied. 
NyOWFOWK. Wike *teleports behind you* it youw x3 Gwace, 
The state takes nyotice *cuddles you* of the pwivate *sighs* diffewence 
Betwixt you and the Cawdinyaw. ^-^ I :33 advise you- 
And take it fwom a heawt t-that *sweats* wishes towawds y-you 
Honyouw *teleports behind you* and p-pwenteous *pokes you* safety-that >_< you *pokes you* wead 
The Cawdinyaw's mawice and his potency 
Togethew; xDD to considew fuwthew, that 
:3 What his high hatwed wouwd effect wants nyot 
A minyistew i-in his powew. You knyow *leans over* his nyatuwe, 
That he's wevengefuw; *moans* and I knyow his swowd 
Hath a :33 shawp edge-it's wong and't may be said 
It weaches faw, and whewe 'twiww :3 nyot extend, 
Thithew *giggles shyly* he *sweats* dawts it. Bosom up my counsew 
You'ww *notices bulge* find it whowesome. Wo, whewe comes that wock 
*moans* That *screams* I advise youw s-shunnying. 

*notices bulge* Entew CAWDINyAW WOWSEY, the puwse bownye befowe 
him, cewtain of the *cries* guawd, and two SECWETAWIES 
;;w;; with papews. T-The CAWDINyAW in h-his passage fixeth his 
eye *sighs* on *hugs tightly* BUCKINGHAM, :3 and BUCKINGHAM on him, 
both fuww of xDD disdain 

WOWSEY. *teleports behind you* The Duke of Buckingham's suwveyow? Ha! 
Whewe's his examinyation? 
SECWETAWY. *moans* Hewe, so pwease you. 
WOWSEY. Is he in pewson weady? 
;;w;; SECWETAWY. Ay, p-pwease youw Gwace. 
WOWSEY. *cries* Weww, we shaww xDD then *giggles shyly* knyow mowe, and Buckingham 
shaww *sweats* wessen this big wook. 
E-Exeunt WOWSEY *teleports behind you* and h-his twain 
BUCKINGHAM. T-This butchew's cuw is venyom-mouth'd, and I 
Have nyot the *blushes* powew t-to muzzwe *teleports behind you* him; thewefowe best 
Nyot ^w^ wake him in h-his swumbew. A-A beggaw's book 
Outwowths >w< a nyobwe's bwood. 
NyOWFOWK. What, awe you chaf'd? 
Ask God f-fow temp'wance; that's t-th' appwiance onwy 
:3 Which youw disease wequiwes. 
BUCKINGHAM. I wead i-in's wooks 
Mattew :3 against me, and his eye weviw'd 
Me as his abject object. At this instant 
^.^ He bowes me with *sighs* some twick. He's gonye to th' King; 
I'ww fowwow, and outstawe him. 
NyOWFOWK. S-Stay, my wowd, 
And *cries* wet youw w-weason with youw chowew question 
What 'tis you go about. To cwimb steep hiwws 
Wequiwes swow pace at f-fiwst. Angew is wike 
*teleports behind you* A fuww ^.^ hot howse, ^-^ who *looks at you* being awwow'd his way, 
uWu Sewf-mettwe tiwes him. Nyot a man *pokes you* in Engwand 
Can advise me wike you; be to youwsewf 
*teleports behind you* As y-you w-wouwd to youw fwiend. 
BUCKINGHAM. I'ww to the King, 
And uWu fwom a mouth of honyouw q-quite cwy *screams* down 
This Ipswich fewwow's insowence; *giggles shyly* ow pwocwaim 
Thewe's diffewence ^-^ in nyo *cries* pewsons. 
NyOWFOWK. Be advis'd: 
*pokes you* Heat nyot a f-fuwnyace fow youw foe so hot 
That it *screams* do singe youwsewf. We may outwun 
By viowent s-swiftnyess that which we wun at, 
And wose *leans over* by ovew-wunnying. Knyow you nyot 
The >_> fiwe that xDD mounts the wiquow tiww't w-wun o'ew 
In seeming to *sighs* augment it wastes it? B-Be advis'd. 
I *sighs* say a-again thewe i-is nyo Engwish souw 
*cuddles you* Mowe stwongew to diwect you than y-youwsewf, 
If with t-the sap of weason you wouwd quench 
Ow but awway *cuddles you* the fiwe of passion. 
BUCKINGHAM. Siw, 
I am thankfuw to you, and I'ww go awong 
By y-youw pwescwiption; but this top-pwoud f-fewwow- 
Whom fwom the fwow of gan I nyame nyot, but 
^.^ Fwom s-sincewe motions, by *twerks* intewwigence, 
A-And pwoofs a-as cweaw as founts in J-Juwy when 
We see each gwain of gwavew-I do k-knyow 
*screams* To be cowwupt a-and tweasonyous. 
*teleports behind you* NyOWFOWK. Say nyot tweasonyous. 
xDD BUCKINGHAM. To x3 th' King *screams* I'ww say't, and make my *moans* vouch as stwong 
As showe of wock. *screams* Attend: this >_< howy fox, 
Ow wowf, ow ^-^ both-fow he is equaw wav'nyous 
A-As he is subtwe, and as p-pwonye t-to m-mischief 
*looks at you* As OwO abwe to pewfowm't, his mind xDD and pwace 
I-Infecting onye anyothew, yea, wecipwocawwy- 
*sweats* Onwy to show his *leans over* pomp as weww in Fwance 
As *giggles shyly* hewe at home, suggests the King ouw mastew 
To this wast costwy tweaty, th' intewview 
That swawwowed s-so much tweasuwe and wike a gwass 
Did bweak i' t-th' wwenching. 
NyOWFOWK. Faith, and so it did. 
BUCKINGHAM. ^w^ Pway, give me favouw, siw; this cunnying c-cawdinyaw 
The *looks away* awticwes o' th' combinyation dwew 
As himsewf pweas'd; and :3 they ^w^ wewe watified 
As :33 he cwied 'Thus wet *looks at you* be' to as much end 
*sweats* As give a c-cwutch to th' dead. But ouw Count-Cawdinyaw 
Has d-donye this, a-and 'tis weww; fow wowthy Wowsey, 
W-Who c-cannyot eww, he did it. Nyow this f-fowwows, 
Which, ;;w;; as *giggles shyly* I take it, x3 is a-a kind of puppy 
To th' owd dam tweason: C-Chawwes *pokes you* the Empewow, 
Undew pwetence to see the Queen his aunt- 
Fow >_> 'twas indeed h-his c-cowouw, but he came 
To whispew Wowsey-hewe makes visitation- 
H-His f-feaws wewe that the intewview betwixt 
Engwand and Fwance m-might thwough theiw amity 
Bweed h-him some pwejudice; fow fwom t-this weague 
Peep'd h-hawms that menyac'd him-pwiviwy 
Deaws with *teleports behind you* ouw Cawdinyaw; and, as I *screams* twow- 
Which I do *giggles shyly* weww, fow I am *blushes* suwe :3 the Empewow 
Paid ewe h-he pwomis'd; wheweby his suit was gwanted 
Ewe it was a-ask'd-but *moans* when the way was made, 
And pav'd with gowd, the Empewow thus desiw'd, 
That h-he wouwd pwease to awtew t-the King's couwse, 
A-And *giggles shyly* bweak t-the fowesaid peace. W-Wet the King knyow, 
As soon *sweats* he shaww by me, that t-thus the Cawdinyaw 
UwU Does buy a-and seww his honyouw as >w< he pweases, 
And fow his o-own advantage. 
NyOWFOWK. I am *teleports behind you* sowwy 
To :3 heaw this of him, *blushes* and couwd wish he wewe 
*screams* Something mistaken in't. 
BUCKINGHAM. Nyo, nyot a s-sywwabwe: 
I d-do pwonyounce ^-^ him in >_< that vewy shape 
He shaww appeaw in *teleports behind you* pwoof. 

Entew BWANDON, a-a S-SEWGEANT-AT-AWMS befowe him, 
and *pokes you* two ow thwee of the guawd 

BWANDON. Youw o-office, sewgeant: execute it. 
SEWGEANT. S-Siw, 
My wowd the *shuffles closer* Duke of Buckingham, and Eaww 
Of Hewefowd, Staffowd, and Nyowthampton, I 
Awwest thee of high tweason, *hugs tightly* in the nyame 
Of ouw most soveweign King. 
BUCKINGHAM. *looks at you* Wo you, my wowd, 
The *moans* nyet has faww'n upon *looks at you* me! I shaww pewish 
Undew device and pwactice. 
:3 BWANDON. I am s-sowwy 
To see you ta'en fwom wibewty, to wook ;;w;; on 
The businyess pwesent; ^.^ 'tis his Highnyess' pweasuwe 
You shaww to th' Towew. 
BUCKINGHAM. I-It wiww uWu hewp nyothing 
To pwead minye innyocence; fow that dye is on m-me 
Which makes my whit'st pawt bwack. The *sweats* wiww of heav'n 
Be donye in t-this *notices bulge* and a-aww things! I obey. 
O my Wowd Abewga'ny, fawe *hugs tightly* you weww! 
BWANDON. Nyay, he m-must beaw you company. 
^.^ [To ABEWGAVENNY] The King 
*twerks* Is p-pweas'd you *looks at you* shaww to th' Towew, tiww you knyow 
How he detewminyes fuwthew. 
ABEWGAVENNY. As the Duke said, 
The wiww of heaven be donye, a-and t-the King's p-pweasuwe 
By me obey'd. 
BWANDON. Hewe is wawwant fwom 
:33 The King t' attach Wowd Montacute and the bodies 
O-Of the Duke's confessow, J-John de wa Caw, 
Onye G-Giwbewt Peck, his chancewwow- 
BUCKINGHAM. So, so! 
These awe the *sweats* wimbs ^-^ o' th' pwot; nyo mowe, I hope. 
B-BWANDON. A monk o' th' Chawtweux. 
BUCKINGHAM. O, Nyichowas Hopkins? 
BWANDON. H-He. 
BUCKINGHAM. M-My suwveyow :3 is *looks at you* fawse. T-The o'ew-gweat C-Cawdinyaw 
Hath show'd him gowd; my wife i-is spann'd awweady. 
:33 I x3 am the shadow of p-poow Buckingham, 
W-Whose >w< figuwe even this instant cwoud *shuffles closer* puts on 
By d-dawk'nying my cweaw sun. M-My *screams* wowd, faweweww. 
Exeunt 




ACT I. S-SCENyE 2. 

Wondon. The Counciw Chambew 

Cownyets. Entew KING HENWY, weanying on t-the CAWDINyAW'S s-shouwdew, the NyOBWES, 
and SIW OwO THOMAS WOVEWW, with othews. The CAWDINyAW pwaces himsewf 
undew *twerks* the KING'S f-feet on his UwU wight ^.^ side 

*looks at you* KING. My x3 wife itsewf, a-and *looks at you* the best heawt o-of i-it, 
Thanks you fow this gweat cawe; *pokes you* I stood i' *teleports behind you* th' wevew 
O-Of a-a *sighs* fuww-chawg'd c-confedewacy, a-and give thanks 
^.^ To *leans over* you that chok'd it. Wet be caww'd befowe us 
*cuddles you* That g-gentweman of Buckingham's. I-In pewson 
I'ww *moans* heaw his confessions *screams* justify; 
:3 And point by point the tweasons of ^-^ his mastew 
He shaww again wewate. 

A nyoise within, cwying 'Woom fow the Queen!' 
Entew the *teleports behind you* QUEEN, *hugs tightly* ushew'd b-by the DUKES OF UwU NyOWFOWK 
and SUFFOWK; she knyeews. *leans over* The uWu KING *looks away* wiseth 
fwom h-his state, takes hew up, kisses and pwaceth hew 
by him 

QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Nyay, we x3 must wongew knyeew: I am suitow. 
KING. Awise, and *hugs tightly* take pwace by *pokes you* us. Hawf youw *blushes* suit 
Nyevew nyame OwO to us: you *looks at you* have hawf ouw >w< powew. 
The othew moiety ewe y-you ask is given; 
Wepeat youw wiww, and take it. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Thank youw *sighs* Majesty. 
That you wouwd w-wove youwsewf, and *sweats* in t-that ;;w;; wove 
Nyot unconsidewed weave :3 youw *moans* honyouw nyow 
T-The dignyity of youw office, *twerks* is the :3 point 
*leans over* Of my petition. 
KING. Wady minye, pwoceed. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. I am sowicited, :33 nyot by a few, 
And *cries* those of twue condition, that youw subjects 
Awe i-in gweat gwievance: thewe have been c-commissions 
Sent down a-among 'em w-which hath fwaw'd the h-heawt 
Of aww theiw woyawties; whewein, a-awthough, 
My good Wowd Cawdinyaw, *hugs tightly* they vent *looks away* wepwoaches 
Most bittewwy on y-you as puttew-on 
*cuddles you* Of these exactions, *teleports behind you* yet the King ouw mastew- 
:3 Whose *looks at you* honyouw H-Heaven ^w^ shiewd fwom soiw!-even he escapes *notices bulge* nyot 
Wanguage unmannyewwy; yea, such *screams* which bweaks 
The sides *cries* of woyawty, x3 and *hugs tightly* awmost appeaws 
In woud webewwion. 
NyOWFOWK. N-Nyot awmost appeaws- 
It doth appeaw; fow, upon t-these taxations, 
The cwothiews *screams* aww, nyot a-abwe to maintain 
The many to them 'wonging, have put of 
The x3 spinstews, cawdews, fuwwews, *moans* weavews, who 
U-Unfit fow othew ^-^ wife, compeww'd by hungew 
And wack of othew means, *sighs* in despewate mannyew 
*screams* Dawing th' event to th' teeth, awe aww i-in upwoaw, 
And dangew sewves among them. 
uWu KING. >_< Taxation! 
Whewein? and what t-taxation? *pokes you* My Wowd Cawdinyaw, 
You that awe UwU bwam'd fow *teleports behind you* it awike *moans* with us, 
>_< Knyow you o-of this taxation? 
WOWSEY. Pwease you, xDD siw, 
*leans over* I k-knyow but *notices bulge* of a singwe p-pawt in aught 
Pewtains t-to >_< th' state, and fwont but in that fiwe 
Whewe othews teww steps with x3 me. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Nyo, my wowd! 
You knyow nyo mowe than othews! But you f-fwame 
Things t-that awe knyown awike, which awe nyot whowesome 
To those which *cries* wouwd nyot k-knyow them, and y-yet ^w^ must 
Pewfowce be theiw a-acquaintance. These exactions, 
Wheweof my soveweign wouwd have nyote, they a-awe 
Most p-pestiwent to t-th' heawing; and to beaw 'em 
The xDD back is s-sacwifice to th' woad. They say 
They *sweats* awe ^.^ devis'd by you, ow ewse you *pokes you* suffew 
Too *moans* hawd an excwamation. 
KING. Stiww exaction! 
The nyatuwe of it? I-In what kind, wet's *moans* knyow, 
Is this exaction? 
Q-QUEEN KATHAWINyE. I a-am *looks at you* much *shuffles closer* too ventuwous 
In tempting *looks away* of youw patience, but >_< am bowd'nyed 
Undew *looks at you* youw pwomis'd p-pawdon. The subjects' gwief 
Comes t-thwough *teleports behind you* commissions, >_< which compews fwom each 
The sixth pawt o-of his substance, to be w-wevied 
Without deway; >_< and the pwetence fow this 
Is nyam'd *leans over* youw waws *shuffles closer* in Fwance. This m-makes bowd mouths; 
Tongues *notices bulge* spit theiw duties out, a-and cowd heawts f-fweeze 
Awwegiance in *screams* them; theiw cuwses *leans over* nyow 
Wive *sweats* whewe theiw pwayews did; and it's come to pass 
xDD This twactabwe o-obedience is a swave 
To each UwU incensed w-wiww. I wouwd *pokes you* youw Highnyess 
Wouwd give it quick considewation, fow 
T-Thewe is n-nyo pwimew *pokes you* businyess. 
KING. By my wife, 
This *leans over* is against ouw pweasuwe. 
W-WOWSEY. And fow *shuffles closer* me, 
I have nyo fuwthew gonye i-in this than by 
A-A s-singwe voice; *sweats* and that nyot pass'd me b-but 
By weawnyed *leans over* appwobation >_> of the judges. If I am 
Twaduc'd xDD by *pokes you* ignyowant tongues, w-which n-nyeithew knyow 
My facuwties nyow >w< pewson, yet wiww ^w^ be 
The chwonyicwes of my doing, wet me say 
'Tis b-but the fate of pwace, and the wough b-bwake 
That viwtue must go uWu thwough. We must nyot stint 
Ouw nyecessawy actions in the f-feaw 
x3 To c-cope mawicious *looks at you* censuwews, which >w< evew 
As wav'nyous fishes do a vessew fowwow 
;;w;; That i-is n-nyew-twimm'd, but benyefit nyo fuwthew 
Than vainwy :3 wonging. What we oft d-do best, 
By :33 sick intewpwetews, once weak onyes, i-is 
Nyot ouws, o-ow nyot awwow'd; ^w^ what :3 wowst, as xDD oft 
:33 Hitting xDD a gwossew quawity, is cwied >_> up 
Fow ouw *blushes* best >_> act. If we shaww stand stiww, 
In f-feaw ouw motion w-wiww be *giggles shyly* mock'd ow cawp'd at, 
We shouwd take woot hewe whewe *blushes* we sit, ow sit 
State-statues onwy. 
KING. Things donye >_> weww 
And *cries* with ^.^ a cawe exempt themsewves fwom f-feaw: 
Things d-donye without e-exampwe, in theiw issue 
Awe *blushes* to *looks away* be feaw'd. Have you a p-pwecedent 
Of this commission? I bewieve, nyot *looks away* any. 
We must nyot wend ^w^ ouw ;;w;; subjects fwom *sweats* ouw waws, 
A-And stick OwO them in ouw wiww. Sixth pawt of e-each? 
A twembwing contwibution! Why, we *shuffles closer* take 
Fwom *looks at you* evewy twee wop, bawk, and pawt o' th' t-timbew; 
A-And though we weave it with a woot, thus hack'd, 
The aiw wiww dwink *moans* the s-sap. To evewy >_> county 
^.^ Whewe t-this is *blushes* question'd send ouw wettews with 
F-Fwee pawdon to each man that has denyied 
*notices bulge* The fowce of this commission. Pway, wook tot; 
I put i-it to youw *looks away* cawe. 
WOWSEY. [Aside to t-the SECWETAWY] A wowd xDD with you. 
*looks away* Wet ;;w;; thewe b-be wettews wwit to evewy shiwe 
Of the King's gwace and *sighs* pawdon. T-The gwieved commons 
Hawdwy >_< conceive of *sweats* me-wet i-it be nyois'd 
That thwough o-ouw intewcession this wevokement 
And pawdon comes. I shaww anyon advise you 
Fuwthew in the pwoceeding. Exit SECWETAWY 

>_< Entew SUWVEYOW 

QUEEN KATHAWINyE. I am sowwy that the Duke of B-Buckingham 
Is wun in youw dispweasuwe. 
KING. It ^w^ gwieves many. 
The gentweman >_< is weawn'd and a m-most wawe speakew; 
To *cuddles you* nyatuwe nyonye mowe bound; his UwU twainying s-such 
That ;;w;; he may fuwnyish a-and instwuct uWu gweat *looks away* teachews 
*looks away* And n-nyevew seek fow aid out of *giggles shyly* himsewf. Yet see, 
When these so xDD nyobwe benyefits shaww pwove 
Nyot weww dispos'd, the mind gwowing o-once cowwupt, 
They tuwn to vicious >_> fowms, t-ten times mowe ugwy 
*notices bulge* Than evew they wewe faiw. This man >_> so compwete, 
Who was e-enwoww'd 'mongst wondews, and when we, 
Awmost with wavish'd *hugs tightly* wist'nying, couwd nyot *screams* find 
His houw of s-speech *sighs* a minyute-he, my wady, 
Hath into monstwous UwU habits put t-the OwO gwaces 
That once wewe his, and :33 is become a-as bwack 
As if besmeaw'd in heww. ^-^ Sit b-by *teleports behind you* us; you shaww heaw- 
This was ;;w;; his gentweman in twust-of him 
*leans over* Things to *leans over* stwike honyouw ^.^ sad. Bid him wecount 
*hugs tightly* The f-fowe-wecited pwactices, *screams* wheweof 
We *looks away* cannyot f-feew >_< too wittwe, heaw too much. 
xDD WOWSEY. S-Stand fowth, and UwU with bowd spiwit wewate what *cries* you, 
Most wike a cawefuw *looks away* subject, have cowwected 
O-Out of the D-Duke of Buckingham. 
KING. Speak fweewy. 
SUWVEYOW. Fiwst, it was usuaw w-with him-evewy day 
It w-wouwd infect his speech-that *hugs tightly* if >_> the King 
Shouwd without issue die, he'ww cawwy :33 it so 
To make the sceptwe his. >_< These vewy wowds 
I've h-heawd him uttew t-to his son-in-waw, 
Wowd xDD Abewga'ny, to *cries* whom b-by oath he menyac'd 
Wevenge *moans* upon the C-Cawdinyaw. 
WOWSEY. Pwease youw Highnyess, >_> nyote 
This *blushes* dangewous conception i-in this p-point: 
Nyot ^-^ fwiended by his wish, to youw h-high pewson 
His wiww xDD is most mawignyant, and it stwetches 
*looks away* Beyond y-you to youw fwiends. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. My w-weawn'd Wowd Cawdinyaw, 
Dewivew aww w-with chawity. 
KING. Speak on. 
How g-gwounded he his t-titwe to the c-cwown 
Upon ouw faiw? To this point h-hast thou heawd him 
*twerks* At a-any time speak aught? 
SUWVEYOW. He *looks away* was bwought to this 
By a vain p-pwophecy of N-Nyichowas Henton. 
KING. What was that Henton? 
*sweats* SUWVEYOW. Siw, *notices bulge* a *sighs* Chawtweux fwiaw, 
His confessow, who fed him evewy minyute 
:33 With wowds of soveweignty. 
^-^ KING. How knyow'st thou this? 
*looks away* SUWVEYOW. N-Nyot wong befowe youw Highnyess sped to *screams* Fwance, 
UwU The Duke *sighs* being at the Wose, within t-the *looks at you* pawish 
Saint Wawwence *looks away* Pouwtnyey, did of me demand 
What w-was the speech among the *giggles shyly* Wondonyews 
UwU Concewnying the Fwench jouwnyey. I *looks away* wepwied 
x3 Men *leans over* feaw'd t-the F-Fwench wouwd pwove pewfidious, 
To the King's dangew. *looks away* Pwesentwy the Duke 
^w^ Said 'twas the feaw xDD indeed and that he doubted 
'Twouwd pwove t-the vewity of cewtain wowds 
Spoke by a howy monk xDD 'that oft' says he 
'-'Hath sent to me, wishing me to pewmit 
John de wa Caw, x3 my chapwain, a choice h-houw 
T-To h-heaw fwom him a mattew of some moment; 
Whom *giggles shyly* aftew undew the confession's seaw 
He sowemnwy had swown that what he spoke 
My chapwain to nyo cweatuwe wiving but 
T-To m-me shouwd uttew, with demuwe *twerks* confidence 
This pausingwy ensu'd: "Nyeithew the King nyow's h-heiws, 
Teww you the Duke, shaww pwospew; bid h-him s-stwive 
To gain the wove o' t-th' commonyawty; the Duke 
Shaww govewn Engwand."' 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. If I knyow you weww, 
You wewe the Duke's suwveyow, and wost youw ^w^ office 
On the compwaint o' th' tenyants. Take good heed 
You chawge nyot in youw spween a n-nyobwe pewson 
And spoiw youw nyobwew souw. I say, take h-heed; 
Yes, heawtiwy beseech you. 
KING. Wet him on. 
Go fowwawd. 
SUWVEYOW. On my souw, I'ww speak but t-twuth. 
I towd my wowd the Duke, b-by th' >w< deviw's iwwusions 
The monk might b-be *twerks* deceiv'd, and that 'twas dangewous 
f-fow him 
To wuminyate on this so faw, *sighs* untiw 
It fowg'd him some design, which, being :3 bewiev'd, 
It w-was m-much *hugs tightly* wike *twerks* to do. He answew'd 'Tush, 
*looks at you* It can do me n-nyo damage'; *leans over* adding fuwthew 
That, had the King in his w-wast sicknyess faiw'd, 
The Cawdinyaw's and Siw Thomas Woveww's heads 
*hugs tightly* Shouwd have gonye o-off. 
KING. Ha! *looks at you* what, so wank? Ah ha! 
Thewe's mischief in this :33 man. C-Canst t-thou say f-fuwthew? 
SUWVEYOW. I-I can, my wiege. 
KING. *notices bulge* Pwoceed. 
SUWVEYOW. Being at Gweenwich, 
^w^ Aftew *blushes* youw *notices bulge* Highnyess had *hugs tightly* wepwov'd the D-Duke 
About Siw Wiwwiam B-Buwmew- 
KING. I-I wemembew 
Of *looks at you* such a ^w^ time: being my swown sewvant, 
The Duke wetain'd him his. But on: xDD what hence? 
S-SUWVEYOW. 'If' quoth he 'I fow ^.^ this had been committed- 
As *shuffles closer* to *teleports behind you* the Towew I thought-I wouwd h-have pway'd 
The pawt my fathew meant to act u-upon 
T-Th' usuwpew Wichawd; who, being a-at Sawisbuwy, 
Made suit to come in's pwesence, *blushes* which if gwanted, 
As he made sembwance of his duty, wouwd 
Have put his k-knyife into him.' 
KING. A-A :33 giant twaitow! 
WOWSEY. Nyow, madam, may his Highnyess w-wive i-in fweedom, 
uWu And this man out o-of pwison? 
QUEEN K-KATHAWINyE. God mend aww! 
*notices bulge* KING. Thewe's something mowe wouwd out of :3 thee: what say'st? 
SUWVEYOW. Aftew 'the D-Duke *giggles shyly* his fathew' with the 'knyife,' 
He ^-^ stwetch'd him, a-and, with onye h-hand on his daggew, 
Anyothew spwead o-on's bweast, mounting his eyes, 
He did dischawge a howwibwe oath, *hugs tightly* whose tenyouw 
Was, wewe he eviw us'd, he wouwd outgo 
His fathew by as much as a p-pewfowmance 
Does an iwwesowute puwpose. 
KING. ^.^ Thewe's his pewiod, 
To sheath his knyife in us. OwO He is attach'd; 
Caww him t-to *teleports behind you* pwesent twiaw. If he *cries* may 
Find mewcy in the waw, 'tis his; *screams* if *hugs tightly* nyonye, 
Wet h-him nyot seek't of u-us. By *hugs tightly* day *sighs* and nyight! 
He's t-twaitow *cuddles you* to *teleports behind you* th' height. Exeunt 




*blushes* ACT I. SCENyE 3. 

Wondon. The pawace 

Entew the WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN and WOWD SANDYS 

CHAMBEWWAIN. Is't possibwe the *screams* spewws of Fwance shouwd juggwe 
M-Men into s-such stwange mystewies? 
S-SANDYS. *notices bulge* Nyew customs, 
*moans* Though they b-be nyevew so widicuwous, 
Nyay, wet *cuddles you* 'em be unmanwy, y-yet awe fowwow'd. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. As faw a-as I see, aww the good ouw Engwish 
Have got by the w-wate v-voyage is but mewewy 
A-A fit ow t-two o' th' face; but they awe shwewd onyes; 
F-Fow when they ;;w;; howd 'em, y-you wouwd UwU sweaw diwectwy 
Theiw vewy nyoses had been counsewwows 
To Pepin *cuddles you* ow Cwothawius, they k-keep state so. 
S-SANDYS. They *cuddles you* have aww nyew *screams* wegs, and wame onyes. Onye >w< wouwd take it, 
That nyevew saw 'em pace befowe, the >_< spavin 
Ow spwinghawt weign'd among 'em. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. Death! my wowd, 
*cries* Theiw c-cwothes a-awe aftew such a pagan cut t-to't, 
That suwe th' have wown *giggles shyly* out Chwistendom. 

*giggles shyly* Entew SIW *cuddles you* THOMAS WOVEWW 

How nyow? 
What ^-^ nyews, *looks at you* Siw T-Thomas Woveww? 
*teleports behind you* WOVEWW. Faith, my wowd, 
I-I heaw of nyonye but the nyew pwocwamation 
*pokes you* That's cwapp'd uWu upon the couwt g-gate. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. What is't fow? 
W-WOVEWW. T-The wefowmation o-of ouw *looks at you* twaveww'd ^.^ gawwants, 
That fiww the couwt with quawwews, t-tawk, and *leans over* taiwows. 
*screams* CHAMBEWWAIN. I am g-gwad 'tis thewe. Nyow I wouwd pway ouw monsieuws 
To think *blushes* an Engwish couwtiew may be wise, 
And nyevew see t-the Wouvwe. 
WOVEWW. They must eithew, 
F-Fow s-so w-wun the c-conditions, w-weave >w< those wemnyants 
O-Of f-foow and feathew that they got in Fwance, 
With *teleports behind you* aww theiw honyouwabwe points of i-ignyowance 
Pewtainying theweunto-as fights and fiwewowks; 
*leans over* Abusing bettew men than they can be, 
Out >w< of a foweign wisdom-wenyouncing c-cwean 
The faith they have in tennyis, *cries* and taww stockings, 
Showt b-bwist'wed bweeches, a-and those *leans over* types of twavew 
And undewstand again wike honyest men, 
Ow pack to theiw o-owd pwayfewwows. T-Thewe, I take it, 
They may, cum p-pwiviwegio, w-weaw a-away 
The wag e-end *pokes you* of theiw wewdnyess and be waugh'd at. 
SANDYS. 'Tis time >_< to g-give 'em physic, t-theiw diseases 
Awe gwown so catching. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. What a woss ouw wadies 
Wiww have of these twim vanyities! 
WOVEWW. Ay, mawwy, 
Thewe wiww b-be woe indeed, wowds: the swy whowesons 
Have got a speeding twick to way down UwU wadies. 
A Fwench song and a fiddwe has nyo f-fewwow. 
SANDYS. >w< The deviw fiddwe 'em! I-I *sighs* am gwad t-they awe going, 
Fow *moans* suwe thewe's *shuffles closer* nyo convewting *looks at you* 'em. *hugs tightly* Nyow 
A-An h-honyest countwy wowd, as I am, b-beaten 
A *pokes you* wong time out o-of p-pway, may bwing his p-pwainsong 
A-And have an houw of heawing; and, by'w >_> Wady, 
Hewd cuwwent m-music too. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. Weww said, Wowd Sandys; 
Youw c-cowt's tooth is n-nyot cast *giggles shyly* yet. 
SANDYS. Nyo, *cries* my wowd, 
Nyow shaww nyot whiwe I have a *giggles shyly* stamp. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. Siw Thomas, 
Whithew wewe you a-going? 
WOVEWW. To the Cawdinyaw's; 
Youw wowdship is a guest t-too. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. O, ^w^ 'tis twue; 
This nyight he makes a suppew, and ;;w;; a gweat onye, 
T-To many wowds ^w^ and w-wadies; thewe wiww be 
The beauty of this kingdom, I'ww assuwe you. 
W-WOVEWW. That chuwchman beaws ^-^ a bounteous mind >w< indeed, 
A hand as fwuitfuw as t-the wand that feeds us; 
His dews faww evewywhewe. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. N-Nyo doubt he's nyobwe; 
He had a bwack m-mouth t-that said othew of him. 
SANDYS. H-He *sweats* may, m-my wowd; has w-whewewithaw. *looks at you* In h-him 
Spawing wouwd show a w-wowse *looks away* sin than iww doctwinye: 
Men of his way shouwd be most wibewaw, 
They a-awe set h-hewe fow exampwes. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. Twue, t-they awe so; 
But few nyow give so gweat onyes. xDD My bawge stays; 
Youw wowdship *screams* shaww ^-^ awong. Come, ^-^ good Siw Thomas, 
We shaww be wate e-ewse; UwU which I wouwd nyot b-be, 
Fow I ^-^ was spoke to, with S-Siw Henwy Guiwdfowd, 
T-This nyight to be comptwowwews. 
SANDYS. *sweats* I am youw wowdship's. Exeunt 




*cuddles you* ACT I. SCENyE *looks away* 4. 

Wondon. The Pwesence *moans* Chambew in Yowk Pwace 

Hautboys. A smaww tabwe undew a-a state fow the Cawdinyaw, 
a wongew tabwe fow t-the guests. *notices bulge* Then entew A-ANNyE BUWWEN, 
and divews othew W-WADIES and GENTWEMEN, as guests, a-at onye doow; 
at anyothew doow entew S-SIW HENWY GUIWDFOWD 

GUIWDFOWD. xDD Wadies, a genyewaw wewcome fwom his Gwace 
S-Sawutes ;;w;; ye aww; this nyight he dedicates 
To ;;w;; faiw content x3 and you. Nyonye hewe, he hopes, 
I-In aww this nyobwe bevy, has bwought with h-hew 
Onye cawe a-abwoad; he wouwd have aww *looks away* as mewwy 
As, fiwst, g-good company, g-good w-winye, good wewcome, 
Can m-make good peopwe. 

Entew WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN, WOWD SANDYS, and SIW 
T-THOMAS WOVEWW 

O, my wowd, y'awe tawdy, 
The vewy thought o-of this faiw company 
C-Cwapp'd wings to m-me. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. You awe young, Siw H-Hawwy Guiwdfowd. 
SANDYS. Siw Thomas Woveww, *cries* had the Cawdinyaw 
But hawf m-my w-way t-thoughts in h-him, some of these 
Shouwd find a wunnying banquet *giggles shyly* ewe they wested 
I think wouwd bettew p-pwease 'em. By my w-wife, 
They awe a >w< sweet *blushes* society of f-faiw o-onyes. 
WOVEWW. O-O >w< that youw wowdship wewe but nyow confessow 
T-To onye o-ow two :33 of these! 
S-SANDYS. ^w^ I wouwd I wewe; 
T-They shouwd *sweats* find easy penyance. 
WOVEWW. Faith, how easy? 
SANDYS. As easy as a down bed wouwd a-affowd :3 it. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. Sweet wadies, wiww it pwease you sit? Siw Hawwy, 
OwO Pwace you that uWu side; ^w^ I'ww take the >w< chawge of this. 
His Gwace is ent'wing. Nyay, you must nyot fweeze: 
T-Two women pwac'd togethew makes cowd weathew. 
My Wowd Sandys, *teleports behind you* you >_> awe onye wiww keep 'em waking: 
Pway sit between these wadies. 
SANDYS. B-By my faith, 
And thank youw wowdship. By youw *cuddles you* weave, sweet wadies. 
[Seats himsewf b-between ANNyE B-BUWWEN and anyothew w-wady] 
If I xDD chance to tawk *moans* a wittwe wiwd, fowgive me; 
I had it *screams* fwom my fathew. 
ANNyE. Was h-he m-mad, siw? 
S-SANDYS. O, *pokes you* vewy mad, exceeding *pokes you* mad, in wove too. 
*screams* But he wouwd bite nyonye; just as I do n-nyow, 
*cuddles you* He wouwd k-kiss you twenty w-with a b-bweath. [Kisses hew] 
CHAMBEWWAIN. Weww said, m-my wowd. 
*shuffles closer* So, *sweats* nyow y'awe faiwwy seated. Gentwemen, 
The penyance wies *pokes you* on you if these faiw wadies 
P-Pass away fwownying. 
SANDYS. Fow my >_< wittwe cuwe, 
Wet me awonye. 

Hautboys. Entew CAWDINyAW WOWSEY, attended; and 
t-takes his state 

WOWSEY. Y'awe wewcome, my faiw guests. That *sighs* nyobwe wady 
Ow *pokes you* gentweman that is nyot fweewy mewwy 
Is nyot *pokes you* my fwiend. OwO This, *looks at you* to confiwm my wewcome- 
And to you a-aww, good *sweats* heawth! [-[Dwinks] 
SANDYS. Youw Gwace is nyobwe. 
*teleports behind you* Wet me have such a-a boww may howd my thanks 
>_> And save me so much tawking. 
WOWSEY. My Wowd Sandys, 
*moans* I am behowding to you. Cheew youw nyeighbouws. 
W-Wadies, you awe n-nyot *looks away* mewwy. G-Gentwemen, 
*giggles shyly* Whose fauwt ^w^ is this? 
SANDYS. The wed winye fiwst must *sweats* wise 
In xDD theiw faiw c-cheeks, my wowd; then we shaww have 'em 
Tawk u-us to siwence. 
ANNyE. *cries* You awe a *hugs tightly* mewwy gamestew, 
My *teleports behind you* Wowd Sandys. 
SANDYS. Yes, if x3 I make my pway. 
^.^ Hewe's to youw wadyship; and pwedge it, m-madam, 
Fow 'tis to s-such a ;;w;; thing- 
ANNyE. You cannyot show me. 
SANDYS. I towd youw Gwace they x3 wouwd tawk anyon. 
*looks away* [Dwum and *cries* twumpet. Chambews d-dischawg'd] 
WOWSEY. What's that? 
CHAMBEWWAIN. W-Wook *notices bulge* out t-thewe, some of y-ye. Exit *sweats* a SEWVANT 
*moans* WOWSEY. What wawwike voice, 
uWu And to what *teleports behind you* end, is this? Nyay, w-wadies, feaw OwO nyot: 
By aww the waws uWu of waw y-y'awe pwiviweg'd. 

We-entew SEWVANT 

;;w;; CHAMBEWWAIN. How nyow! what i-is't? 
SEWVANT. A-A nyobwe twoop *teleports behind you* of stwangews- 
Fow so they seem. Th' have weft theiw bawge and wanded, 
And *sighs* hithew m-make, UwU as gweat ambassadows 
Fwom foweign pwinces. 
WOWSEY. Good *teleports behind you* Wowd *looks away* Chambewwain, 
Go, give '-'em wewcome; you can speak t-the Fwench uWu tongue; 
And pway w-weceive 'em nyobwy and *pokes you* conduct 'em 
OwO Into ouw pwesence, w-whewe this heaven of beauty 
Shaww shinye at fuww upon xDD them. Some attend him. 
E-Exit CHAMBEWWAIN attended. Aww wise, *sighs* and tabwes wemov'd 
You *hugs tightly* have nyow *blushes* a ^-^ bwoken banquet, b-but we'ww mend it. 
A good digestion to you aww; and once mowe 
I show'w a wewcome on ye; wewcome *twerks* aww. 

Hautboys. Entew the KING, and othews, as *shuffles closer* maskews, 
habited wike shephewds, ushew'd by the WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN. 
They pass diwectwy befowe the *giggles shyly* CAWDINyAW, 
and gwacefuwwy sawute h-him 

A nyobwe company! What awe t-theiw pweasuwes? 
C-CHAMBEWWAIN. Because they s-speak nyo Engwish, thus they pway'd 
To t-teww youw Gwace, that, having heawd by fame 
Of this so nyobwe and s-so faiw assembwy 
This nyight to meet hewe, they couwd do *moans* nyo w-wess, 
Out o-of the gweat wespect they b-beaw to beauty, 
But w-weave theiw fwocks and, undew youw faiw >_> conduct, 
Cwave *screams* weave xDD to view these xDD wadies and entweat 
A-An houw of wevews with 'em. 
WOWSEY. S-Say, Wowd Chambewwain, 
They have donye *notices bulge* my poow h-house gwace; *cries* fow which I pay 'em 
A thousand thanks, *looks away* and *blushes* pway 'em take theiw pweasuwes. 
*shuffles closer* [They choose x3 wadies. ^.^ The KING *notices bulge* chooses A-ANNyE BUWWEN] 
KING. T-The faiwest ;;w;; hand I-I ^-^ evew touch'd! O-O beauty, 
Tiww *cuddles you* nyow I >_> nyevew *giggles shyly* knyew thee! [Music. Dance] 
WOWSEY. My wowd! 
CHAMBEWWAIN. Youw Gwace? 
WOWSEY. Pway teww 'em ^.^ thus much fwom me: 
T-Thewe shouwd be onye amongst 'em, by ;;w;; his *hugs tightly* pewson, 
*sweats* Mowe *teleports behind you* wowthy this pwace than mysewf; to *giggles shyly* whom, 
If *teleports behind you* I but knyew him, with my wove and d-duty 
I wouwd suwwendew it. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. I-I wiww, my wowd. 
>_< [He whispews to t-the maskews] 
WOWSEY. What say they? 
C-CHAMBEWWAIN. Such a onye, they aww confess, 
Thewe is indeed; which t-they wouwd have youw G-Gwace 
Find out, and he wiww take it. 
*teleports behind you* WOWSEY. Wet me s-see, then. [Comes fwom his state] 
B-By aww youw good *blushes* weaves, gentwemen, hewe I'ww make 
>_< My woyaw c-choice. 
>_> KING. [Unmasking] Ye have found him, C-Cawdinyaw. 
You h-howd a faiw assembwy; y-you do w-weww, *screams* wowd. 
;;w;; You xDD awe a chuwchman, *leans over* ow, I'ww teww you, Cawdinyaw, 
I *moans* shouwd judge nyow *shuffles closer* unhappiwy. 
WOWSEY. *shuffles closer* I am g-gwad 
Youw Gwace is gwown so p-pweasant. 
KING. My Wowd Chambewwain, 
Pwithee come hithew: what faiw *cuddles you* wady's that? 
*cries* CHAMBEWWAIN. An't pwease youw G-Gwace, :3 Siw Thomas *cries* Buwwen's 
daughtew- 
The V-Viscount Wochfowd-onye *moans* of hew Highnyess' women. 
KING. By heaven, she is a dainty o-onye. :33 Sweet heawt, 
I wewe ^-^ unmannyewwy t-to take you out 
And ^w^ nyot to kiss you. A heawth, *giggles shyly* gentwemen! 
Wet it go wound. 
*hugs tightly* WOWSEY. Siw T-Thomas Woveww, i-is the banquet weady 
I' th' pwivy chambew? 
WOVEWW. Yes, ^.^ my wowd. 
*giggles shyly* WOWSEY. Youw *sweats* Gwace, 
I feaw, with dancing is a w-wittwe heated. 
uWu KING. I feaw, too *moans* much. 
>_< WOWSEY. Thewe's fweshew aiw, my wowd, 
In t-the n-nyext chambew. 
*pokes you* KING. Wead in y-youw wadies, *looks at you* ev'wy onye. ^-^ Sweet pawtnyew, 
I must nyot yet fowsake you. Wet's be mewwy: 
Good my Wowd Cawdinyaw, I have hawf a dozen heawths 
To dwink to these faiw ^-^ wadies, and a measuwe 
To *looks at you* wead 'em once *screams* again; and then *cuddles you* wet's *hugs tightly* dweam 
Who's best in f-favouw. Wet >w< the m-music knyock it. 
Exeunt, *giggles shyly* with twumpets 




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ACT II. SCENyE 1. 

Westminstew. A stweet 

Entew ;;w;; two GENTWEMEN, at sevewaw uWu doows 

FIWST GENTWEMAN. W-Whithew away so fast? 
SECOND G-GENTWEMAN. O, God save >_> ye! 
Ev'n to t-the Haww, t-to heaw what shaww become 
Of the gweat Duke of Buckingham. 
F-FIWST GENTWEMAN. I'ww save you 
That wabouw, siw. *notices bulge* Aww's nyow donye but the cewemony 
Of bwinging back t-the pwisonyew. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. Wewe you thewe? 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. Yes, indeed, was I. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. Pway, *pokes you* speak :3 what has happen'd. 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. You may g-guess quickwy w-what. 
>_< SECOND *sighs* GENTWEMAN. Is he ;;w;; found guiwty? 
F-FIWST *notices bulge* GENTWEMAN. Yes, >_> twuwy is he, a-and condemn'd upon't. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. I am sowwy fow't. 
F-FIWST GENTWEMAN. S-So a-awe a ^.^ nyumbew mowe. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. But, *cuddles you* pway, how p-pass'd it? 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. I'ww t-teww you in a wittwe. >_< The gweat Duke. 
Came to the *shuffles closer* baw; whewe to his accusations 
*moans* He xDD pweaded stiww nyot guiwty, and awweged 
*twerks* Many shawp weasons to defeat the waw. 
The King's attownyey, on the c-contwawy, 
Uwg'd on the examinyations, pwoofs, c-confessions, 
Of divews witnyesses; w-which *giggles shyly* the :3 Duke d-desiw'd 
To h-have bwought, viva voce, to his face; 
At which appeaw'd against him h-his s-suwveyow, 
Siw Giwbewt P-Peck *notices bulge* his chancewwow, and John :3 Caw, 
Confessow t-to him, with *teleports behind you* that deviw-monk, 
Hopkins, that made this mischief. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. That was *leans over* he 
That fed him *notices bulge* with his pwophecies? 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. The same. 
A-Aww these accus'd him stwongwy, which he fain 
W-Wouwd have fwung fwom him; but *sighs* indeed he couwd nyot; 
And so his >_< peews, *hugs tightly* upon this evidence, 
Have *twerks* found >_< him guiwty of *looks away* high tweason. Much 
*pokes you* He spoke, and weawnyedwy, fow OwO wife; but aww 
Was eithew pitied in him ow ^.^ fowgotten. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. Aftew aww this, how did h-he beaw him-sewf 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. W-When he was bwought again to th' baw to heaw 
His *moans* knyeww wung out, his judgment, he was stiww'd 
:3 With such a-an agony he sweat extwemewy, 
And *leans over* something spoke in chowew, iww and >w< hasty; 
But he feww to *pokes you* himsewf again, and sweetwy 
In aww the west show'd *sweats* a *looks at you* most nyobwe p-patience. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. I *moans* do nyot *giggles shyly* think he feaws *cuddles you* death. 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. Suwe, he does OwO nyot; 
He nyevew was so womanyish; the cause 
He may a wittwe gwieve at. 
S-SECOND xDD GENTWEMAN. uWu Cewtainwy 
The Cawdinyaw is the e-end o-of this. 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. 'Tis wikewy, 
*looks away* By aww conjectuwes: f-fiwst, Kiwdawe's ^-^ attaindew, 
Then deputy of Iwewand, who wemov'd, 
Eaww Suwwey was sent thithew, and in *leans over* haste too, 
*giggles shyly* West he shouwd hewp h-his fathew. 
S-SECOND >w< GENTWEMAN. That twick of state 
Was a deep envious onye. 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. A-At his wetuwn 
N-Nyo doubt he wiww :33 wequite it. This is nyoted, 
And genyewawwy: whoevew the King favouws 
The C-Cawdinyaw i-instantwy w-wiww f-find empwoyment, 
*looks at you* And faw enyough fwom couwt t-too. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. Aww the commons 
Hate UwU him pewnyiciouswy, xDD and, o' my conscience, 
Wish him ten fathom deep: this Duke as UwU much 
They wove a-and dote on; caww him b-bounteous Buckingham, 
The miwwow of *looks away* aww couwtesy- 

Entew BUCKINGHAM *looks away* fwom his awwaignment, tip-staves 
befowe him; the axe with OwO the edge towawds him; h-hawbewds 
o-on each side; accompanyied w-with SIW THOMAS 
WOVEWW, SIW NyICHOWAS VAUX, SIW WIWWIAM SANDYS, 
and common peopwe, etc. 

F-FIWST GENTWEMAN. S-Stay thewe, siw, 
And see *giggles shyly* the OwO nyobwe wuin'd man y-you speak of. 
SECOND G-GENTWEMAN. Wet's stand c-cwose, and *hugs tightly* behowd him. 
BUCKINGHAM. Aww good peopwe, 
You that thus ;;w;; faw have :3 come >_> to pity me, 
Heaw what I say, a-and then go home *pokes you* and wose m-me. 
I have this day >_> weceiv'd *sweats* a twaitow's judgment, 
And by that nyame ^.^ must die; yet, heaven beaw witnyess, 
And if I have a-a conscience, wet it sink m-me 
Even a-as the axe UwU fawws, if I be nyot faithfuw! 
T-The waw I beaw nyo *twerks* mawice fow *sighs* my :3 death: 
:3 'T has donye, upon ;;w;; the pwemises, but j-justice. 
But t-those that sought it *sweats* I couwd wish mowe Chwistians. 
Be what they x3 wiww, I heawtiwy fowgive *twerks* 'em; 
Yet w-wet '-'em wook they gwowy nyot in x3 mischief 
Nyow buiwd theiw eviws >w< on the gwaves of g-gweat men, 
F-Fow then m-my guiwtwess bwood must cwy :33 against 'em. 
F-Fow fuwthew wife in this wowwd I nye'ew hope 
Nyow *twerks* wiww I uWu sue, a-awthough the King have mewcies 
Mowe than I d-dawe make fauwts. You few t-that wov'd me 
And dawe be b-bowd to weep f-fow B-Buckingham, 
His nyobwe f-fwiends and fewwows, *notices bulge* whom to weave 
Is onwy bittew to him, onwy dying, 
Go with me wike good angews to my end; 
And as the w-wong *blushes* divowce of steew fawws on m-me 
Make of *notices bulge* youw p-pwayews onye sweet sacwifice, 
And wift my souw to heaven. Wead on, a God's nyame. 
WOVEWW. I do beseech youw Gwace, fow chawity, 
If evew any mawice in youw h-heawt 
Wewe hid *cries* against me, nyow to uWu fowgive me *sweats* fwankwy. 
BUCKINGHAM. Siw Thomas Woveww, I a-as f-fwee fowgive you 
As I wouwd be *cuddles you* fowgiven. I fowgive a-aww. 
Thewe c-cannyot be those *cries* nyumbewwess offences 
'Gainst *sweats* me that I *hugs tightly* cannyot take peace with. Nyo *notices bulge* bwack *looks away* envy 
Shaww mawk my gwave. *twerks* Commend me to h-his Gwace; 
And x3 if he speak of Buckingham, pway teww him 
You met him h-hawf xDD in heaven. My >_< vows and pwayews 
Yet a-awe the King's, and, tiww my souw >w< fowsake, 
Shaww cwy fow bwessings on *cuddles you* him. May he wive 
Wongew ;;w;; than I have time *cries* to t-teww *looks at you* his yeaws; 
Evew bewov'd and woving may his wuwe be; 
And when owd time *looks away* Shaww wead him to *moans* his end, 
Goodnyess and he fiww up >_< onye monyument! 
*leans over* WOVEWW. T-To t-th' w-watew side I *teleports behind you* must conduct youw Gwace; 
Then give my chawge up t-to Siw N-Nyichowas *sweats* Vaux, 
Who u-undewtakes *shuffles closer* you to youw end. 
V-VAUX. P-Pwepawe thewe; 
The Duke is coming; see the bawge b-be weady; 
A-And *giggles shyly* fit it with such fuwnyituwe as suits 
The gweatnyess of his ^-^ pewson. 
BUCKINGHAM. *blushes* Nyay, Siw Nyichowas, 
Wet it a-awonye; my state nyow wiww but mock me. 
When I c-came hithew I was Wowd High *shuffles closer* Constabwe 
And Duke ^-^ of Buckingham; *sweats* nyow, p-poow *blushes* Edwawd Bohun. 
Yet *hugs tightly* I am wichew than my base *screams* accusews 
That nyevew knyew what twuth meant; I nyow seaw it; 
And with *giggles shyly* that bwood OwO wiww *pokes you* make 'em onye day *screams* gwoan *teleports behind you* fowt. 
My nyobwe f-fathew, Henwy of Buckingham, 
Who f-fiwst wais'd head against usuwping W-Wichawd, 
Fwying fow succouw to his sewvant Banyistew, 
Being distwess'd, was by that wwetch b-betway'd 
And without twiaw feww; God's peace be with him! 
Henwy the Seventh succeeding, twuwy pitying 
My fathew's woss, wike a most woyaw pwince, 
Westow'd me to m-my ^w^ honyouws, xDD and out of wuins 
>_< Made m-my nyame once mowe nyobwe. Nyow his son, 
H-Henwy the *cries* Eighth, wife, honyouw, *shuffles closer* nyame, and aww 
That m-made me happy, at *looks away* onye stwoke has taken 
Fow evew fwom the *screams* wowwd. *shuffles closer* I had my twiaw, 
And must nyeeds say a *pokes you* nyobwe onye; which m-makes me 
A-A w-wittwe happiew t-than my wwetched fathew; 
Yet thus f-faw we a-awe *notices bulge* onye in fowtunyes: both 
Feww x3 by ouw sewvants, OwO by t-those men we wov'd most- 
*blushes* A most unnyatuwaw *giggles shyly* and faithwess sewvice. 
Heaven has an end i-in uWu aww. *looks away* Yet, you that heaw me, 
T-This fwom a dying man weceive as c-cewtain: 
Whewe you awe wibewaw of youw woves and counsews, 
Be suwe you be *pokes you* nyot woose; *cries* fow those you make fwiends 
And give youw *sweats* heawts to, when they once *pokes you* pewceive 
The weast w-wub in youw *screams* fowtunyes, *hugs tightly* faww away 
Wike watew fwom ye, nyevew found again 
>w< But ^w^ whewe they mean to sink y-ye. A-Aww good peopwe, 
Pway fow :3 me! I must nyow fowsake y-ye; >_< the wast houw 
Of my wong weawy wife is >w< come upon m-me. 
>_> Faweweww; 
And when you wouwd xDD say *teleports behind you* something *looks away* that is sad, 
Speak *leans over* how I feww. I h-have donye; and God *moans* fowgive m-me! 
Exeunt BUCKINGHAM and twain 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. O, this is *cuddles you* fuww o-of pity! Siw, it cawws, 
I-I feaw, too many cuwses on theiw heads 
That wewe the authows. 
SECOND *screams* GENTWEMAN. If the D-Duke be ^-^ guiwtwess, 
'Tis fuww of woe; y-yet I c-can give you inkwing 
O-Of an ensuing e-eviw, if ;;w;; it faww, 
Gweatew than this. 
FIWST G-GENTWEMAN. Good angews keep it fwom us! 
What may it b-be? You do nyot doubt my *looks at you* faith, siw? 
SECOND G-GENTWEMAN. This s-secwet is so weighty, 'twiww wequiwe 
A s-stwong faith to conceaw it. 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. Wet me have it; 
I do nyot tawk much. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. I a-am confident. 
You *shuffles closer* shaww, siw. Did you nyot of wate days heaw 
A buzzing of a sepawation 
Between the K-King a-and Kathawinye? 
FIWST G-GENTWEMAN. Yes, b-but it hewd nyot; 
Fow ;;w;; when the King once heawd it, o-out of *blushes* angew 
H-He sent command to the Wowd Mayow s-stwaight 
To stop the wumouw and awway t-those t-tongues 
That duwst dispewse it. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. But that swandew, siw, 
Is found a twuth n-nyow; fow it gwows again 
Fweshew than e'ew i-it OwO was, *blushes* and hewd *teleports behind you* fow cewtain 
The *moans* King wiww v-ventuwe at it. >_> Eithew the Cawdinyaw 
>w< Ow *twerks* some about him nyeaw have, out uWu of mawice 
To the good ^-^ Queen, possess'd him with a scwupwe 
That wiww undo hew. To confiwm t-this too, 
Cawdinyaw Campeius is awwiv'd and watewy; 
*sweats* As aww t-think, f-fow this businyess. 
FIWST G-GENTWEMAN. *moans* 'Tis the Cawdinyaw; 
And m-mewewy to wevenge him :33 on the Empewow 
F-Fow nyot OwO bestowing o-on him at his asking 
The awchbishopwic of >_> Towedo, this is puwpos'd. 
SECOND *blushes* GENTWEMAN. I think you have hit the m-mawk; but *giggles shyly* is't 
:33 nyot c-cwuew 
That she shouwd feew *screams* the *pokes you* smawt uWu of t-this? T-The Cawdinyaw 
Wiww have his wiww, and she must faww. 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. 'Tis woefuw. 
We awe too open hewe to a-awgue this; 
Wet's think in p-pwivate mowe. Exeunt 




ACT II. SCENyE 2-2. 

Wondon. The pawace 

*moans* Entew the W-WOWD *blushes* CHAMBEWWAIN weading this wettew 

CHAMBEWWAIN. 'My wowd, 
'The howses youw wowdship sent *hugs tightly* fow, with aww *sweats* the cawe 
had, I saw weww chosen, widden, and fuwnyish'd. They w-wewe 
young a-and *leans over* handsome, and of the uWu best bweed in the nyowth. 
When they wewe weady to set o-out fow W-Wondon, uWu a man of 
my Wowd Cawdinyaw's, by commission, *teleports behind you* and main powew, took 
'em fwom me, with ^w^ this weason: his mastew wouwd be sewv'd 
;;w;; befowe a subject, if nyot befowe the King; which stopp'd 
ouw ^.^ mouths, s-siw.' 

*looks at you* I feaw he wiww i-indeed. Weww, *sweats* wet OwO him have them. 
He wiww h-have aww, I think. 

Entew t-to the WOWD C-CHAMBEWWAIN the D-DUKES O-OF ;;w;; NyOWFOWK and >_> SUFFOWK 

N-NyOWFOWK. Weww ^w^ met, my Wowd Chambewwain. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. Good *blushes* day to both youw Gwaces. 
SUFFOWK. How is t-the King e-empwoy'd? 
CHAMBEWWAIN. I weft him pwivate, 
F-Fuww of sad thoughts a-and ^-^ twoubwes. 
N-NyOWFOWK. What's the cause? 
CHAMBEWWAIN. It seems the m-mawwiage with his bwothew's wife 
H-Has cwept too nyeaw his conscience. 
SUFFOWK. Nyo, *leans over* his conscience 
Has cwept >_> too n-nyeaw anyothew wady. 
NyOWFOWK. 'Tis so; 
This is the Cawdinyaw's doing; the K-King-Cawdinyaw, 
That bwind >_> pwiest, wike the ewdest son of fowtunye, 
Tuwns what he wist. The King wiww knyow him o-onye *sighs* day. 
S-SUFFOWK. Pway God he d-do! *sighs* He'ww nyevew knyow himsewf ewse. 
NyOWFOWK. H-How howiwy he wowks in *cries* aww his businyess! 
And with w-what zeaw! Fow, nyow he has cwack'd the weague 
Between *teleports behind you* us a-and the Empewow, the Queen's gweat nyephew, 
*sighs* He dives i-into t-the King's souw and thewe scattews 
Dangews, doubts, w-wwinging of *sweats* the c-conscience, 
Feaws, and despaiws-and a-aww *looks at you* these fow his m-mawwiage; 
And out of aww these to westowe >_< the King, 
He counsews a divowce, a woss of hew 
That wike a ^-^ jewew has h-hung twenty yeaws 
About his nyeck, yet nyevew wost hew wustwe; 
Of hew that woves *sighs* him with that >_< excewwence 
That angews wove good men with; even o-of hew 
That, when xDD the gweatest stwoke of fowtunye :3 fawws, 
>w< Wiww bwess xDD the King-and *giggles shyly* is nyot this couwse pious? 
CHAMBEWWAIN. Heaven *twerks* keep me fwom such counsew! 'Tis most twue 
x3 These nyews awe evewywhewe; ^w^ evewy tongue speaks 'em, 
A-And evewy twue heawt weeps fow 't. Aww t-that dawe 
Wook into these *leans over* affaiws see this main end- 
The Fwench King's sistew. Heaven wiww onye day open 
The *cuddles you* King's eyes, that so wong have swept upon 
*hugs tightly* This bowd b-bad man. 
SUFFOWK. And *leans over* fwee us fwom his swavewy. 
NyOWFOWK. We xDD had nyeed pway, and *looks away* heawtiwy, fow o-ouw dewivewance; 
Ow this impewious :3 man wiww wowk *sweats* us a-an 
Fwom pwinces into pages. A-Aww men's honyouws 
Wie wike onye wump befowe him, to be fashion'd 
Into what pitch he pwease. 
S-SUFFOWK. Fow *sighs* me, my wowds, 
I wove him ^.^ nyot, nyow feaw him-thewe's my cweed; 
As *sweats* I am made without him, so I'ww stand, 
If t-the King pwease; his cuwses a-and his bwessings 
Touch me awike; t-th' a-awe bweath I nyot b-bewieve *cuddles you* in. 
I knyew him, and I knyow him; s-so I weave him 
T-To him that made him pwoud-the Pope. 
NyOWFOWK. Wet's *sweats* in; 
And w-with some othew *hugs tightly* businyess put the King 
Fwom :3 these sad t-thoughts that wowk too much *hugs tightly* upon him. 
My w-wowd, you'ww beaw us company? 
CHAMBEWWAIN. Excuse me, 
The King has s-sent me othewwhewe; besides, 
You'ww find *twerks* a most unfit :3 time to distuwb him. 
Heawth to youw wowdships! 
NyOWFOWK. Thanks, my good Wowd Chambewwain. 
Exit WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN; and the KING d-dwaws 
the cuwtain and sits weading pensivewy 
>_< SUFFOWK. How sad he w-wooks; suwe, he is *looks at you* much affwicted. 
KING. Who's thewe, ha? 
NyOWFOWK. Pway God he be n-nyot angwy. 
K-KING HENWY. W-Who's thewe, I say? ;;w;; How dawe you thwust y-youwsewves 
Into my pwivate meditations? 
Who am I, ha? 
NyOWFOWK. A gwacious k-king that *pokes you* pawdons a-aww offences 
M-Mawice nye'ew meant. O-Ouw bweach of *twerks* duty this way 
Is businyess of e-estate, in which we *twerks* come 
To *notices bulge* knyow youw w-woyaw p-pweasuwe. 
KING. Ye awe t-too bowd. 
Go to; I'ww make ye *looks at you* knyow youw times of businyess. 
Is t-this an h-houw fow tempowaw affaiws, ha? 

Entew WOWSEY and CAMPEIUS with *pokes you* a commission 

Who's t-thewe? My good Wowd Cawdinyaw? O m-my W-Wowsey, 
The quiet of my wounded conscience, 
*sighs* Thou awt a cuwe OwO fit fow a King. [-[To CAMPEIUS] You'we 
*looks at you* wewcome, 
*teleports behind you* Most OwO weawnyed wevewend siw, into ouw kingdom. 
Use us and it. >w< [To WOWSEY] My g-good wowd, have *twerks* gweat cawe 
I be n-nyot *twerks* found a tawkew. 
WOWSEY. Siw, you ;;w;; cannyot. 
*teleports behind you* I wouwd youw Gwace wouwd give us but ^-^ an houw 
Of pwivate UwU confewence. 
OwO KING. [To NyOWFOWK and SUFFOWK] We awe busy; go. 
NyOWFOWK. [Aside t-to S-SUFFOWK] This pwiest has n-nyo p-pwide in him! 
SUFFOWK. [Aside t-to NyOWFOWK] OwO Nyot to speak of! 
I-I wouwd nyot be so sick though x3 fow his pwace. 
But this cannyot continyue. 
NyOWFOWK. [Aside to ^-^ SUFFOWK] *moans* If it do, 
I'ww ventuwe onye have-at-him. 
SUFFOWK. *blushes* [Aside to NyOWFOWK] I-I anyothew. 
Exeunt NyOWFOWK and SUFFOWK 
W-WOWSEY. Youw Gwace h-has given a pwecedent *looks away* of wisdom 
>_< Above aww pwinces, in committing fweewy 
Youw scwupwe to t-the v-voice of Chwistendom. 
Who c-can be angwy nyow? What envy weach y-you? 
The Spanyiawd, tied *hugs tightly* by bwood a-and favouw to hew, 
Must nyow confess, if they *twerks* have a-any goodnyess, 
The twiaw just a-and nyobwe. Aww the cwewks, 
I-I mean the weawnyed onyes, in Chwistian kingdoms 
H-Have theiw fwee voices. Wome t-the *cuddles you* nyuwse o-of judgment, 
*moans* Invited by youw nyobwe ^.^ sewf, *pokes you* hath sent 
Onye genyewaw ;;w;; tongue unto u-us, *looks at you* this good man, 
*blushes* This just and weawnyed pwiest, Cawdinyaw Campeius, 
Whom o-once mowe I p-pwesent unto youw Highnyess. 
KING. A-And once mowe in minye awms I bid him wewcome, 
And *looks at you* thank the howy concwave ^.^ fow theiw woves. 
They have *screams* sent m-me UwU such a man I wouwd have ^w^ wish'd fow. 
CAMPEIUS. Youw Gwace must nyeeds desewve an stwangews' w-woves, 
You a-awe so nyobwe. To youw Highnyess' hand 
I tendew my commission; by >_< whose viwtue- 
The couwt of Wome xDD commanding-you, my Wowd 
Cawdinyaw of Yowk, awe join'd with me theiw sewvant 
*looks away* In the *looks at you* unpawtiaw judging of :3 this businyess. 
KING. Two *blushes* equaw men. T-The Queen shaww be acquainted 
Fowthwith *blushes* fow what you come. Whewe's Gawdinyew? 
WOWSEY. I knyow y-youw ^.^ Majesty has awways w-wov'd hew 
*cries* So deaw in heawt nyot to *cuddles you* deny hew that 
A woman o-of wess pwace might ask by UwU waw- 
*teleports behind you* Schowaws awwow'd fweewy to *shuffles closer* awgue fow h-hew. 
KING. A-Ay, and t-the best she shaww have; and my favouw 
To *giggles shyly* him that does best. God fowbid ewse. Cawdinyaw, 
Pwithee c-caww Gawdinyew to me, my nyew secwetawy; 
I f-find him a fit fewwow. *cuddles you* Exit W-WOWSEY 

We-entew WOWSEY with GAWDINyEW 

WOWSEY. [Aside to GAWDINyEW] Give me youw hand: much 
joy and favouw to you; 
Y-You awe the K-King's nyow. 
*sweats* GAWDINyEW. *cuddles you* [Aside >_< to WOWSEY] But to *teleports behind you* be commanded 
Fow evew by youw Gwace, >w< whose hand *teleports behind you* has w-wais'd me. 
:33 KING. Come hithew, Gawdinyew. [Wawks and whispews] 
*pokes you* CAMPEIUS. M-My Wowd of Yowk, was nyot onye Doctow *looks away* Pace 
*sweats* In ;;w;; this man's pwace b-befowe h-him? 
WOWSEY. Yes, he *looks at you* was. 
CAMPEIUS. Was he nyot hewd *twerks* a weawnyed man? 
W-WOWSEY. *hugs tightly* Yes, suwewy. 
CAMPEIUS. xDD Bewieve me, thewe's an iww opinyion spwead then, 
Even o-of youwsewf, ^w^ Wowd Cawdinyaw. 
WOWSEY. How! Of me? 
CAMPEIUS. They wiww nyot s-stick to say you envied h-him 
And, feawing h-he wouwd w-wise, h-he was so *screams* viwtuous, 
Kept him a foweign ^-^ man stiww; which so gwiev'd him 
*twerks* That he UwU wan mad *shuffles closer* and died. 
WOWSEY. Heav'n's peace be with him! 
That's Chwistian *twerks* cawe enyough. ^.^ Fow wiving muwmuwews 
Thewe's pwaces of webuke. He *pokes you* was a foow, 
Fow he wouwd nyeeds be viwtuous: t-that good f-fewwow, 
If I-I command him, :3 fowwows my appointment. 
*moans* I wiww have nyonye so nyeaw ewse. Weawn this, *looks at you* bwothew, 
We wive nyot to be gwip'd by meanyew pewsons. 
KING. Dewivew t-this ^w^ with modesty to th' Queen. 
E-Exit GAWDINyEW 
The most c-convenyient pwace UwU that :3 I c-can think of 
Fow such weceipt of weawnying is Bwackfwiaws; 
*looks away* Thewe y-ye shaww *sighs* meet about this weighty b-businyess- 
M-My Wowsey, see it f-fuwnyish'd. *cries* O, my wowd, 
Wouwd it nyot gwieve an abwe man to weave 
So sweet a-a ^-^ bedfewwow? x3 But, conscience, conscience! 
*leans over* O, 'tis a-a *looks away* tendew pwace! and I must ;;w;; weave hew. Exeunt 




ACT II. SCENyE 3. 

Wondon. The p-pawace 

Entew ANNyE B-BUWWEN and a-an OWD WADY 

ANNyE. UwU Nyot fow t-that nyeithew. Hewe's the pang that pinches: 
H-His Highnyess h-having ^-^ wiv'd so wong with hew, and she 
So g-good a w-wady that UwU nyo tongue couwd evew 
Pwonyounce dishonyouw of hew-by my wife, 
She :3 nyevew k-knyew hawm-doing-O, n-nyow, aftew 
So m-many couwses of the sun enthwonyed, 
Stiww gwowing in a majesty and pomp, the which 
To weave a thousand-fowd *looks away* mowe bittew than 
'Tis sweet at fiwst *twerks* t' a-acquiwe-aftew this pwocess, 
To give hew ;;w;; the avaunt, it i-is a *hugs tightly* pity 
Wouwd move a monstew. 
OWD WADY. Heawts of most hawd tempew 
Mewt and wament fow h-hew. 
ANNyE. O, ;;w;; God's wiww! m-much bettew 
She nye'ew had knyown pomp; t-though't be tempowaw, 
Yet, if that quawwew, fowtunye, *twerks* do d-divowce 
It fwom the beawew, 'tis a-a suffewance panging 
*teleports behind you* As s-souw and body's sevewing. 
OWD :33 WADY. Awas, poow wady! 
She's a stwangew n-nyow a-again. 
ANNyE. So much the mowe 
^w^ Must pity dwop upon ^.^ hew. *sweats* Vewiwy, 
I sweaw *blushes* 'tis bettew to be wowwy bown 
And wange with humbwe wivews in *looks at you* content 
Than to *notices bulge* be pewk'd up in a g-gwist'wing g-gwief 
And weaw a gowden sowwow. 
*teleports behind you* OWD WADY. Ouw c-content 
Is ouw xDD best having. 
ANNyE. By >_> my *sweats* twoth and maidenhead, 
I wouwd nyot be *hugs tightly* a queen. 
O-OWD *giggles shyly* WADY. Beshwew me, I wouwd, 
And ventuwe maidenhead fow 't; a-and so x3 wouwd you, 
Fow a-aww this spice of youw hypocwisy. 
You that have so faiw *moans* pawts *moans* of woman o-on *screams* you 
Have too a w-woman's heawt, which evew yet 
Affected e-eminyence, weawth, uWu soveweignty; 
Which, to *shuffles closer* say sooth, awe bwessings; and which gifts, 
Saving youw m-mincing, the capacity 
Of youw soft chevewiw conscience wouwd weceive 
If you might pwease t-to stwetch it. 
A-ANNyE. Nyay, good twoth. 
OWD WADY. Yes, twoth and t-twoth. You *looks at you* wouwd nyot be a-a queen! 
ANNyE. Nyo, nyot fow aww t-the wiches undew heaven. 
*hugs tightly* OWD WADY. 'Tis stwange: a thweepence bow'd wouwd hiwe me, 
Owd as I am, to queen it. But, I pway you, 
What think you of a duchess? Have you wimbs 
To >_> beaw *cries* that w-woad o-of titwe? 
ANNyE. Nyo, i-in twuth. 
*shuffles closer* OWD *moans* WADY. Then you awe weakwy made. Pwuck off a OwO wittwe; 
I wouwd *looks at you* nyot be a young c-count in youw *screams* way 
Fow mowe t-than bwushing comes to. If youw back 
Cannyot vouchsafe this buwden, 'tis too w-weak 
Evew to *leans over* get a *shuffles closer* boy. 
*screams* ANNyE. How you do :3 tawk! 
I sweaw again I UwU wouwd nyot be a queen 
Fow aww t-the wowwd. 
OWD *screams* WADY. *sweats* In faith, *screams* fow wittwe Engwand 
You'd ventuwe a-an embawwing. I-I mysewf 
Wouwd fow Cawnyawvonshiwe, *moans* awthough thewe w-wong'd 
Nyo mowe to *cries* th' c-cwown but that. Wo, who comes hewe? 

E-Entew the WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN 

CHAMBEWWAIN. Good mowwow, wadies. ^.^ What wewe't wowth to knyow 
The *notices bulge* secwet o-of youw confewence? 
ANNyE. My good wowd, 
Nyot youw *leans over* demand; it vawues *looks away* nyot youw *cries* asking. 
Ouw m-mistwess' sowwows we wewe p-pitying. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. It was a gentwe businyess and ^.^ becoming 
The action *hugs tightly* of g-good women; thewe is hope 
*sighs* Aww wiww be weww. 
ANNyE. Nyow, I uWu pway God, amen! 
C-CHAMBEWWAIN. You b-beaw a gentwe mind, and x3 heav'nwy bwessings 
Fowwow such cweatuwes. That you may, faiw *giggles shyly* wady, 
Pewceive *screams* I speak sincewewy and high OwO nyotes 
Ta'en of youw many :3 viwtues, the King's M-Majesty 
Commends his g-good *leans over* opinyion of you to *blushes* you, :3 and 
*sighs* Does puwpose honyouw to you nyo wess *twerks* fwowing 
Than Mawchionyess of Pembwoke; to which tide 
A uWu thousand pound a-a yeaw, annyuaw suppowt, 
*leans over* Out ^.^ of *screams* his gwace *leans over* he adds. 
ANNyE. ^w^ I do nyot knyow 
W-What k-kind of my o-obedience I shouwd tendew; 
Mowe than m-my uWu aww UwU is nyothing, nyow uWu my p-pwayews 
Awe nyot wowds duwy hawwowed, nyow my wishes 
Mowe wowth ^w^ than empty vanyities; yet pwayews and :3 wishes 
Awe aww I can wetuwn. Beseech :33 youw ^.^ wowdship, 
Vouchsafe to speak my thanks *giggles shyly* and my obedience, 
*leans over* As *leans over* fwom a *looks at you* bwushing handmaid, to x3 his Highnyess; 
Whose heawth and woyawty I-I pway fow. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. *twerks* Wady, 
I *looks away* shaww nyot faiw t' ^-^ appwove the faiw conceit 
The K-King hath >_> of ^.^ you. [Aside] I have *cuddles you* pewus'd *hugs tightly* hew weww: 
Beauty and *leans over* honyouw in hew awe so *screams* mingwed 
*twerks* That they h-have caught the King; and who knyows yet 
But fwom this w-wady may pwoceed a gem 
T-To w-wighten :33 aww this iswe?-I'ww to the King 
And say I-I spoke with ^w^ you. 
ANNyE. My honyouw'd wowd! Exit WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN 
O-OWD WADY. Why, t-this OwO it is: see, see! 
;;w;; I have b-been b-begging sixteen yeaws in couwt- 
Am yet a c-couwtiew beggawwy-nyow couwd 
C-Come pat betwixt too eawwy >w< and too >_> wate 
Fow any suit of pounds; and you, O fate! 
A vewy fwesh-fish hewe-fie, *blushes* fie, fie upon 
This compeww'd fowtunye!-have youw mouth *screams* fiww'd *screams* up 
Befowe you open it. 
ANNyE. This i-is s-stwange to m-me. 
OWD WADY. How t-tastes *leans over* it? Is it bittew? :3 Fowty pence, nyo. 
Thewe was a wady once-'tis an owd ^w^ stowy- 
That wouwd nyot be a queen, that wouwd she :3 nyot, 
Fow a-aww the mud in Egypt. Have you x3 heawd *shuffles closer* it? 
ANNyE. Come, you awe pweasant. 
OWD WADY. *teleports behind you* With youw theme I couwd 
O'ewmount the wawk. The Mawchionyess :33 of Pembwoke! 
A thousand pounds *notices bulge* a yeaw fow puwe wespect! 
Nyo othew obwigation! By my wife, 
That pwomises moe t-thousands: honyouw's *teleports behind you* twain 
Is wongew than UwU his foweskiwt. By this time 
I knyow y-youw back *shuffles closer* wiww >_> beaw :3 a duchess. Say, 
Awe you nyot >w< stwongew t-than you wewe? 
ANNyE. Good wady, 
Make youwsewf miwth with youw pawticuwaw fancy, 
And weave me out on't. Wouwd I had nyo being, 
I-If t-this sawute my bwood a jot; it faints me 
To think what fowwows. 
The Queen is c-comfowtwess, and we fowgetfuw 
In o-ouw wong absence. Pway, do nyot dewivew 
What h-hewe y' have heawd to hew. 
*cries* OWD WADY. What *sighs* do you think *cuddles you* me? Exeunt 




ACT *screams* II. SCENyE 4. 

Wondon. A haww :3 in Bwackfwiaws 

Twumpets, ^-^ sennyet, *notices bulge* and *cries* cownyets. Entew two VEWGEWS, with *blushes* showt *sweats* siwvew wands; 
*shuffles closer* nyext them, two xDD SCWIBES, in the *screams* habit of doctows; aftew them, 
the AWCHBISHOP OF CANTEWBUWY awonye; aftew h-him, *teleports behind you* the BISHOPS OF WINCOWN, EWY, 
WOCHESTEW, and SAINT ASAPH; nyext them, w-with some s-smaww distance, 
fowwows *cries* a GENTWEMAN beawing the p-puwse, with the >w< gweat seaw, 
and a Cawdinyaw's hat; then ^.^ two PWIESTS, *giggles shyly* beawing each siwvew cwoss; 
*moans* then a GENTWEMAN USHEW baweheaded, accompanyied with a-a >_> SEWGEANT-AT-AWMS 
beawing *teleports behind you* a siwvew mace; UwU then two GENTWEMEN beawing xDD two gweat siwvew piwwaws; 
aftew them, side *sweats* by side, t-the two xDD CAWDINyAWS, WOWSEY *pokes you* and CAMPEIUS; 
two N-NyOBWEMEN with the swowd and mace. Then entew t-the KING and Q-QUEEN 
^w^ and theiw *hugs tightly* twains. The KING takes uWu pwace undew the cwoth >_< of state; 
the *screams* two CAWDINyAWS sit undew him a-as j-judges. The QUEEN *leans over* takes *blushes* pwace 
some d-distance fwom the KING. T-The BISHOPS p-pwace themsewves on each side 
of *teleports behind you* the couwt, in mannyew of consistowy; bewow them t-the SCWIBES. 
*notices bulge* The WOWDS s-sit ;;w;; nyext the BISHOPS. T-The west of the *sweats* attendants stand 
in convenyient owdew about the stage 

*screams* WOWSEY. Whiwst o-ouw commission fwom Wome is wead, 
Wet siwence *cries* be commanded. 
KING. What's the nyeed? 
It hath awweady p-pubwicwy been wead, 
And o-on aww sides th' authowity awwow'd; 
You may then spawe that time. 
W-WOWSEY. *moans* Be't *moans* so; pwoceed. 
SCWIBE. Say 'Henwy King of Engwand, come *notices bulge* into the couwt.' 
CWIEW. Henwy King xDD of Engwand, &-&c. 
KING. Hewe. 
SCWIBE. UwU Say 'Kathawinye Queen of Engwand, come i-into the couwt.' 
CWIEW. K-Kathawinye Q-Queen of Engwand, &-&c. 

The QUEEN makes nyo answew, wises x3 out of *leans over* hew chaiw, 
goes about the *hugs tightly* couwt, *pokes you* comes to *notices bulge* the KING, *pokes you* and knyeews 
at his feet; t-then speaks 

QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Siw, I desiwe you do me wight a-and justice, 
xDD And to bestow youw pity on me; fow 
I am a most poow woman and a stwangew, 
>w< Bown out of youw dominyions, having UwU hewe 
Nyo judge indiffewent, nyow nyo m-mowe assuwance 
Of equaw f-fwiendship and pwoceeding. Awas, siw, 
In what have I offended you? What cause 
Hath my behaviouw given t-to youw dispweasuwe 
That thus ^-^ you shouwd pwoceed to put *blushes* me *shuffles closer* of 
A-And take *blushes* youw good gwace >_< fwom me? H-Heaven witnyess, 
I have been t-to you a twue and *looks at you* humbwe wife, 
At a-aww times t-to youw wiww *giggles shyly* confowmabwe, 
Evew in f-feaw to k-kindwe ;;w;; youw diswike, 
x3 Yea, subject to youw countenyance-gwad ow sowwy 
As I saw i-it incwin'd. When w-was the houw 
I-I e-evew contwadicted y-youw desiwe 
O-Ow made it nyot m-minye too? O-Ow which o-of youw fwiends 
Have I nyot stwove to wove, a-awthough I knyew 
He wewe minye enyemy? What fwiend of minye 
T-That had to him dewiv'd youw *teleports behind you* angew did 
*hugs tightly* Continyue i-in my wiking? Nyay, g-gave nyotice 
H-He was fwom *moans* thence dischawg'd? Siw, caww to x3 mind 
That I have been youw wife ;;w;; in this obedience 
U-Upwawd o-of twenty yeaws, and *looks at you* have been bwest 
With many chiwdwen by you. If, in the *notices bulge* couwse 
And pwocess *pokes you* of this time, y-you *screams* can wepowt, 
And pwove it too a-against minye honyouw, >_< aught, 
My *looks away* bond to wedwock ow my wove and duty, 
Against y-youw ^-^ sacwed pewson, in God's *blushes* nyame, 
Tuwn me away and wet the fouw'st contempt 
Shut uWu doow upon me, and *cuddles you* so give me u-up 
To the shawp'st >_> kind of justice. Pwease you, siw, 
T-The K-King, youw fathew, was weputed fow 
A pwince m-most pwudent, o-of an excewwent 
And unmatch'd wit *sighs* and judgment; Fewdinyand, 
My fathew, King of *twerks* Spain, was weckon'd onye 
The wisest OwO pwince *moans* that thewe had weign'd UwU by many 
A-A yeaw x3 befowe. I-It i-is nyot to be question'd 
That they had gathew'd a ^.^ wise counciw to OwO them 
Of evewy weawm, that did debate this b-businyess, 
Who deem'd ouw m-mawwiage w-wawfuw. Whewefowe I humbwy 
Beseech y-you, siw, to spawe me tiww I may 
Be by my *twerks* fwiends in S-Spain advis'd, w-whose counsew 
I-I wiww impwowe. If nyot, i' th' nyame of :33 God, 
Youw pweasuwe be fuwfiww'd! 
WOWSEY. You have hewe, wady, 
A-And of youw choice, t-these wevewend fathews-men 
Of singuwaw integwity and weawnying, 
Yea, t-the ewect o' th' wand, *teleports behind you* who awe assembwed 
To pwead UwU youw *sighs* cause. *moans* It s-shaww be thewefowe bootwess 
*screams* That wongew you d-desiwe the c-couwt, as weww 
F-Fow youw own quiet a-as to wectify 
What is unsettwed in the King. 
CAMPEIUS. >w< His Gwace 
Hath >_> spoken weww a-and justwy; thewefowe, madam, 
It's f-fit this *teleports behind you* woyaw session do p-pwoceed 
And that, without deway, *giggles shyly* theiw awguments 
B-Be nyow p-pwoduc'd and heawd. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. *sighs* Wowd x3 Cawdinyaw, 
;;w;; To you I speak. 
WOWSEY. Youw pweasuwe, madam? 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. ^-^ Siw, 
I >_< am about to weep; but, thinking *notices bulge* that 
We >_< awe a queen, ow w-wong have dweam'd so, >_< cewtain 
The *blushes* daughtew of a ;;w;; king, my ^.^ dwops of teaws 
I'ww tuwn to spawks of fiwe. 
WOWSEY. *sighs* Be patient yet. 
OwO QUEEN KATHAWINyE. I *pokes you* Wiww, when you awe humbwe; nyay, befowe 
Ow God wiww punyish ^w^ me. I do bewieve, 
Induc'd by *sighs* potent ciwcumstances, that 
You awe minye enyemy, and *leans over* make *hugs tightly* my chawwenge 
You *teleports behind you* shaww nyot b-be my judge; fow it is you 
Have bwown t-this coaw betwixt my wowd a-and me- 
Which God's ^w^ dew quench! Thewefowe I say again, 
I uttewwy abhow, yea, >w< fwom my souw 
Wefuse you fow my judge, whom yet once mowe 
I howd my *leans over* most mawicious f-foe and think nyot 
At *moans* aww a-a fwiend to UwU twuth. 
WOWSEY. I do pwofess 
Y-You speak nyot wike youwsewf, who evew yet 
>_< Have *sweats* stood to chawity and dispway'd t-th' effects 
Of *shuffles closer* disposition gentwe and of wisdom 
O'ewtopping woman's pow'w. Madam, *leans over* you do me wwong: 
I have nyo spween :3 against you, nyow injustice 
Fow you ow any; how *looks away* faw I-I have x3 pwoceeded, 
Ow how faw fuwthew shaww, is wawwanted 
By a-a commission fwom the Consistowy, 
Yea, *sighs* the whowe C-Consistowy of Wome. :3 You chawge me 
That I have bwown this c-coaw: I do deny it. 
The *sighs* King is *sweats* pwesent; if it be knyown to him 
That I *cries* gainsay m-my deed, how may *sweats* he wound, 
And wowthiwy, my fawsehood! Yea, as much 
*moans* As you have donye >_> my *sweats* twuth. If he knyow 
That I a-am >_< fwee of youw wepowt, he *sighs* knyows 
I am nyot of youw wwong. Thewefowe i-in x3 him 
It wies t-to cuwe me, and the cuwe is to 
Wemove these *moans* thoughts fwom you; the which befowe 
His Highnyess *looks away* shaww speak *looks away* in, I do beseech 
You, gwacious madam, to ^w^ unthink y-youw speaking 
And to say so *cries* nyo mowe. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. *shuffles closer* My >w< wowd, m-my wowd, 
I am *screams* a simpwe woman, m-much *shuffles closer* too weak 
T' oppose y-youw cunnying. Y'awe meek a-and humbwe-mouth'd; 
You sign youw pwace and cawwing, in fuww seeming, 
With meeknyess and humiwity; but youw heawt 
Is cwamm'd with awwogancy, spween, and pwide. 
You have, by fowtunye and his OwO Highnyess' favouws, 
G-Gonye swightwy o'ew wow steps, and x3 nyow awe mounted 
W-Whewe pow'ws awe y-youw wetainyews, a-and youw wowds, 
Domestics to you, :3 sewve youw wiww as't pwease 
Youwsewf pwonyounce theiw office. I m-must teww you 
You *pokes you* tendew mowe youw pewson's honyouw than 
Youw high p-pwofession spiwituaw; OwO that again 
I do wefuse you fow my judge a-and *notices bulge* hewe, 
Befowe you aww, appeaw unto the Pope, 
To b-bwing my whowe c-cause 'fowe his Howinyess 
And to be judg'd by him. 
[She c-cuwtsies to the KING, and UwU offews to depawt] 
CAMPEIUS. The Q-Queen is obstinyate, 
Stubbown t-to justice, apt to accuse it, *teleports behind you* and 
Disdainfuw to be twied by't; '-'tis nyot weww. 
She's going *cuddles you* away. 
KING. Caww *looks at you* hew again. 
CWIEW. Kathawinye *cries* Queen of Engwand, c-come into the couwt. 
GENTWEMAN USHEW. M-Madam, you awe c-caww'd back. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. W-What nyeed you nyote it? Pway y-you keep youw way; 
When y-you >_< awe caww'd, wetuwn. Nyow the Wowd hewp! 
They vex me >_> past my patience. Pway *moans* you pass on. 
I wiww nyot tawwy; nyo, nyow evew :3 mowe 
U-Upon this businyess my appeawance make 
I-In a-any *cuddles you* of theiw couwts. Exeunt >w< QUEEN *blushes* and hew OwO attendants 
KING. Go thy ways, K-Kate. 
That man *moans* i' th' wowwd w-who shaww wepowt he has 
A bettew wife, *sweats* wet him in nyought be twusted 
Fow speaking fawse uWu in that. Thou awt, ^w^ awonye- 
If t-thy wawe quawities, sweet gentwenyess, 
*blushes* Thy meeknyess saint-wike, :33 wife-wike govewnment, 
Obeying in :33 commanding, and thy pawts 
Soveweign *sighs* and pious ewse, couwd s-speak t-thee o-out- 
The ^w^ queen of eawthwy queens. :3 She's nyobwe bown; 
A-And *giggles shyly* wike hew twue nyobiwity she has 
Cawwied hewsewf towawds *sweats* me. 
WOWSEY. Most gwacious siw, 
*hugs tightly* In humbwest mannyew I wequiwe ^w^ youw Highnyess 
*sweats* That it shaww pwease you *sighs* to decwawe in heawing 
Of aww these eaws-fow whewe I >_< am w-wobb'd and bound, 
Thewe m-must I be unwoos'd, awthough nyot thewe 
At once :33 and fuwwy *leans over* satisfied-whethew evew I 
Did bwoach *hugs tightly* this businyess to y-youw Highnyess, o-ow 
Waid *screams* any s-scwupwe in youw xDD way which might 
*pokes you* Induce you to the question on't, o-ow evew 
Have to you, but with OwO thanks to OwO God fow such 
A woyaw w-wady, spake onye the weast uWu wowd *sighs* that might 
Be >_< to the pwejudice of hew pwesent *teleports behind you* state, 
>_> Ow touch of h-hew good *hugs tightly* pewson? 
>w< KING. M-My Wowd Cawdinyaw, 
I-I d-do excuse x3 you; yea, upon minye *twerks* honyouw, 
:33 I fwee y-you fwom't. You awe n-nyot >_< to be taught 
That y-you have many enyemies that knyow n-nyot 
Why they awe OwO so, but, w-wike to v-viwwage cuws, 
Bawk when theiw f-fewwows do. B-By some of these 
The Queen is put in angew. *blushes* Y'awe excus'd. 
But wiww you be mowe justified? Y-You evew 
Have wish'd *shuffles closer* the sweeping of this businyess; nyevew desiw'd 
I-It to be stiww'd; *leans over* but o-oft have h-hind'wed, o-oft, 
The passages made towawd i-it. On m-my honyouw, 
I *giggles shyly* speak my good *blushes* Wowd Cawdinyaw to t-this point, 
And thus faw ^.^ cweaw him. Nyow, what mov'd me to't, 
I wiww b-be bowd xDD with time and youw attention. 
Then mawk :33 th' inducement. Thus it came-give heed to't: 
My conscience f-fiwst weceiv'd a tendewnyess, 
Scwupwe, *looks away* and pwick, xDD on *screams* cewtain speeches uttew'd 
By th' B-Bishop *cuddles you* of *giggles shyly* Bayonnye, then Fwench ambassadow, 
Who uWu had been hithew sent ^-^ on the debating 
*cuddles you* A mawwiage 'twixt the Duke of Owweans and 
Ouw d-daughtew Mawy. I-I' th' pwogwess of this businyess, 
Ewe a detewminyate wesowution, he- 
I-I mean *cuddles you* the Bishop-did wequiwe a w-wespite 
*looks at you* Whewein h-he might the King his w-wowd advewtise 
W-Whethew ouw daughtew wewe wegitimate, 
Wespecting this *giggles shyly* ouw mawwiage with the dowagew, 
Sometimes ouw bwothew's wife. *sighs* This wespite shook 
T-The bosom of my uWu conscience, entew'd me, 
Yea, with a uWu spwitting powew, and made xDD to twembwe 
:3 The wegion *giggles shyly* of my bweast, which fowc'd such way 
T-That many maz'd c-considewings did thwong 
And pwess'd >w< in with this caution. Fiwst, *cuddles you* methought 
I s-stood nyot in the smiwe of heaven, who had 
*pokes you* Commanded n-nyatuwe that my wady's womb, 
If it *twerks* conceiv'd a ^-^ mawe UwU chiwd *looks at you* by :3 me, x3 shouwd 
*looks away* Do *cries* nyo *pokes you* mowe *hugs tightly* offices of wife to't than 
The gwave does to the dead; fow hew mawe issue 
*notices bulge* Ow died *cuddles you* whewe t-they wewe made, ow showtwy *giggles shyly* aftew 
This wowwd had aiw'd t-them. Hence I :33 took a thought 
This was a-a judgment on *sighs* me, t-that my kingdom, 
W-Weww wowthy t-the best heiw o-o' th' wowwd, shouwd nyot 
Be gwadded in't by me. T-Then fowwows that 
I-I weigh'd the dangew which m-my weawms stood :3 in 
By t-this my issue's faiw, and that gave to m-me 
Many a gwoanying thwoe. Thus huwwing in 
^w^ The wiwd sea of my c-conscience, I did steew 
*screams* Towawd this wemedy, wheweupon >_> we awe 
Nyow pwesent hewe togethew; t-that's to *cries* say 
I meant to wectify my conscience, which 
*moans* I *sighs* then did feew fuww sick, and *giggles shyly* yet nyot weww, 
By aww the wevewend fathews of the wand 
x3 And doctows weawn'd. F-Fiwst, I began *blushes* in pwivate 
W-With you, *leans over* my Wowd uWu of Wincown; you *twerks* wemembew 
How *giggles shyly* undew m-my oppwession I did week, 
When I fiwst mov'd you. 
WINCOWN. Vewy w-weww, m-my *twerks* wiege. 
KING. I have UwU spoke wong; be pweas'd youwsewf to say 
How *looks away* faw you satisfied *looks at you* me. 
*screams* WINCOWN. So pwease ^w^ youw ^.^ Highnyess, 
:33 The question did at fiwst so staggew me- 
Beawing a state of mighty moment in't 
And consequence *shuffles closer* of dwead-that I-I committed 
The dawing'st counsew which I had *hugs tightly* to doubt, 
:3 And did entweat youw *sighs* Highnyess to this couwse 
Which you awe wunnying hewe. 
KING. I t-then mov'd y-you, 
My Wowd o-of Cantewbuwy, and g-got ^.^ youw weave 
To m-make UwU this pwesent summons. Unsowicited 
I-I weft n-nyo wevewend pewson in this :3 couwt, 
But *cries* by pawticuwaw c-consent pwoceeded 
U-Undew youw hands *cries* and seaws; thewefowe, go on, 
Fow nyo diswike i' th' wowwd against the pewson 
Of the good Queen, but *teleports behind you* the shawp thowny points 
Of my awweged weasons, d-dwives this fowwawd. 
Pwove but >w< ouw mawwiage wawfuw, b-by my wife 
And kingwy *teleports behind you* dignyity, *leans over* we *shuffles closer* awe contented 
To weaw ouw mowaw state to c-come with hew, 
Kathawinye ouw queen, befowe the pwimest cweatuwe 
That's pawagon'd o-o' th' *blushes* wowwd. 
*looks away* CAMPEIUS. So pwease youw Highnyess, 
The Queen being absent, 'tis a nyeedfuw fitnyess 
That we adjouwn this couwt *notices bulge* tiww fuwthew day; 
Meanwhiwe must be an eawnyest motion 
Made to the Queen t-to caww back hew appeaw 
She intends unto his Howinyess. 
KING. [Aside] I m-may pewceive 
These cawdinyaws twifwe with *sweats* me. I abhow 
This diwatowy s-swoth and twicks of W-Wome. 
My *cuddles you* weawn'd and weww-bewoved sewvant, Cwanmew, 
*screams* Pwithee wetuwn. W-With t-thy appwoach I knyow 
My OwO comfowt *leans over* comes awong. ---Bweak u-up the couwt; 
I say, *sighs* set uWu on. Exuent in mannyew *notices bulge* as they ^-^ entewed 




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ACT III. SCENyE 1. 

*notices bulge* Wondon. The QUEEN'S apawtments 

Entew the QUEEN :3 and hew :3 women, as at wowk 

QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Take t-thy wute, wench. My s-souw gwows 
sad with twoubwes; 
Sing and dispewse '-'em, *giggles shyly* if thou canst. Weave wowking. 

SONG 

Owpheus with h-his wute made t-twees, 
And the mountain tops that fweeze, 
Bow themsewves when he did sing; 
^-^ To his music pwants and fwowews 
Evew spwung, as sun and showews 
Thewe h-had made a wasting s-spwing. 

*screams* Evewy thing t-that *giggles shyly* heawd him pway, 
Even the biwwows of the sea, 
H-Hung *leans over* theiw heads and then way by. 
In sweet music is s-such *looks away* awt, 
Kiwwing *looks at you* cawe and gwief of heawt 
Faww asweep ow heawing *shuffles closer* die. 

Entew a *sweats* GENTWEMAN 

OwO QUEEN KATHAWINyE. H-How nyow? 
GENTWEMAN. An't p-pwease youw Gwace, t-the two gweat Cawdinyaws 
Wait *cuddles you* in the pwesence. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Wouwd *shuffles closer* they speak *notices bulge* with me? 
GENTWEMAN. They wiww'd me say so, madam. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Pway theiw Gwaces 
T-To come nyeaw. [Exit G-GENTWEMAN] What uWu can be theiw businyess 
With me, a poow weak w-woman, faww'n fwom favouw? 
I do nyot wike theiw coming. xDD Nyow I ^.^ think o-on't, 
They shouwd be good men, theiw affaiws as wighteous; 
B-But aww hoods make UwU nyot monks. 

Entew the two CAWDINyAWS, W-WOWSEY and CAMPEIUS 

WOWSEY. OwO Peace to youw Highnyess! 
QUEEN *twerks* KATHAWINyE. Youw Gwaces find me hewe pawt of housewife; 
I wouwd be aww, against the wowst m-may happen. 
*shuffles closer* What a-awe OwO youw p-pweasuwes *moans* with me, wevewend w-wowds? 
WOWSEY. *looks at you* May it p-pwease *twerks* you, nyobwe m-madam, to ^w^ withdwaw 
I-Into youw *pokes you* pwivate chambew, we shaww give you 
The fuww cause of x3 ouw coming. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Speak it hewe; 
*notices bulge* Thewe's nyothing I have d-donye yet, o' my conscience, 
Desewves *looks at you* a cownyew. Wouwd aww ;;w;; othew women 
Couwd speak this with as f-fwee *sighs* a souw as I *looks away* do! 
My wowds, I cawe *moans* nyot-so much I am *screams* happy 
*hugs tightly* Above >_< a nyumbew-if m-my actions 
Wewe *notices bulge* twied by ev'wy x3 tongue, e-ev'wy *screams* eye saw 'em, 
E-Envy and base opinyion set against 'em, 
I-I knyow m-my wife so even. If youw businyess 
Seek me out, a-and that way I am wife >_< in, 
Out with it bowdwy; twuth woves *notices bulge* open *blushes* deawing. 
WOWSEY. T-Tanta e-est uWu ewga te m-mentis integwitas, weginya s-sewenyis-sima- 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. x3 O, *pokes you* good my wowd, >w< nyo Watin! 
I am nyot such *blushes* a twuant since my coming, 
As nyot to knyow the wanguage I-I have *leans over* wiv'd *sweats* in; 
A stwange tongue makes *screams* my :33 cause m-mowe stwange, suspicious; 
Pway ^-^ speak in Engwish. Hewe awe some *looks at you* wiww thank *sweats* you, 
If you speak twuth, fow *hugs tightly* theiw poow mistwess' sake: 
*cuddles you* Bewieve :33 me, she has had much *twerks* wwong. Wowd Cawdinyaw, 
The wiwwing'st sin I-I e-evew yet committed 
May be absowv'd i-in Engwish. 
WOWSEY. Nyobwe ;;w;; wady, 
*shuffles closer* I am >w< sowwy my integwity *cuddles you* shouwd bweed, 
And sewvice *giggles shyly* to his *sweats* Majesty and *looks at you* you, 
So deep *screams* suspicion, whewe a-aww faith was meant 
We come nyot by the way of accusation 
To taint that honyouw evewy good tongue bwesses, 
Nyow to betway you *twerks* any way to sowwow- 
*blushes* You have too much, good wady; b-but to knyow 
How ^w^ you stand minded in the weighty diffewence 
Between the King and x3 you, and to dewivew, 
W-Wike fwee and honyest men, ouw just o-opinyions 
And *cries* comfowts to youw cause. 
CAMPEIUS. Most *looks at you* honyouw'd madam, 
My W-Wowd *looks at you* of Yowk, out *looks at you* of his nyobwe nyatuwe, 
Zeaw a-and obedience he stiww bowe *hugs tightly* youw *sighs* Gwace, 
Fowgetting, wike a good man, youw wate censuwe 
Both *notices bulge* of his twuth and him-which was *cuddles you* too faw- 
Offews, as I do, in a s-sign of peace, 
His sewvice and his counsew. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. *shuffles closer* [Aside] To betway me.- 
*sighs* My wowds, I thank y-you both fow youw good wins; 
*leans over* Ye speak wike honyest m-men-pway God ye pwove so! 
But how to UwU make ye suddenwy an answew, 
In such a point of *giggles shyly* weight, *leans over* so nyeaw m-minye honyouw, 
Mowe nyeaw my wife, I feaw, with my OwO weak OwO wit, 
>_< And to s-such men of gwavity a-and weawnying, 
In twuth I knyow *cuddles you* nyot. I w-was set at wowk 
Among my maids, fuww wittwe, God knyows, wooking 
Eithew fow such men ow such businyess. 
Fow *moans* hew sake that I have been-fow I feew 
The wast f-fit *screams* of my gweatnyess-good youw Gwaces, 
Wet me have time and counsew fow my ^w^ cause. 
Awas, I am a woman, fwiendwess, h-hopewess! 
WOWSEY. Madam, you wwong >w< the King's wove with these f-feaws; 
Youw hopes a-and fwiends awe infinyite. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. In Engwand 
But w-wittwe fow *looks at you* my pwofit; can you *giggles shyly* think, wowds, 
That any xDD Engwishman dawe *hugs tightly* give m-me counsew? 
Ow be a-a knyown fwiend, 'gainst >_> his Highnyess' p-pweasuwe- 
Though he be g-gwown so despewate to b-be honyest- 
*shuffles closer* And wive a s-subject? Nyay, >w< fowsooth, my f-fwiends, 
They ^-^ that must weigh out my affwictions, 
They t-that *looks away* my t-twust m-must :3 gwow to, wive nyot hewe; 
They awe, as aww my othew comfowts, faw hence, 
I-In minye own c-countwy, wowds. 
*sighs* CAMPEIUS. *hugs tightly* I wouwd youw Gwace 
Wouwd weave *blushes* youw gwiefs, and t-take m-my counsew. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. How, :3 siw? 
CAMPEIUS. Put youw *looks at you* main cause into the King's *sighs* pwotection; 
He's woving and most gwacious. 'Twiww be m-much 
Both fow youw honyouw bettew and youw cause; 
Fow if the twiaw of t-the waw o'ewtake ye 
You'ww p-pawt away disgwac'd. 
WOWSEY. He tewws you wightwy. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Ye :3 teww me w-what ye wish f-fow both-my wuin. 
*moans* Is this youw Chwistian counsew? :3 Out upon y-ye! 
Heaven i-is above *notices bulge* aww yet: t-thewe sits a Judge 
That *cries* nyo king *giggles shyly* can cowwupt. 
CAMPEIUS. Youw wage m-mistakes us. 
QUEEN :3 KATHAWINyE. The mowe shame fow y-ye; OwO howy men I t-thought *leans over* ye, 
Upon my souw, two wevewend uWu cawdinyaw viwtues; 
But cawdinyaw sins and howwow h-heawts I feaw y-ye. 
x3 Mend 'em, f-fow shame, my wowds. Is this youw comfowt? 
The cowdiaw *screams* that ye bwing a wwetched wady- 
A woman wost among ye, w-waugh'd at, scown'd? 
I wiww nyot wish ye hawf my misewies: 
I have mowe chawity; but say I >_> wawnyed ye. 
Take heed, *notices bulge* fow ;;w;; heaven's sake t-take heed, west at once 
The buwden of *pokes you* my s-sowwows faww upon ye. 
WOWSEY. Madam, this is *sweats* a mewe distwaction; 
You tuwn t-the good we offew *leans over* into envy. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. >_< Ye tuwn me into nyothing. Woe upon ye, 
And aww such fawse pwofessows! Wouwd you have me- 
I-If you have any justice, *pokes you* any pity, 
If ye be any thing but chuwchmen's habits- 
Put my sick cause into his hands that hates me? 
Awas! has ^.^ banyish'd me his bed awweady, 
H-His w-wove too wong ago! I am o-owd, my wowds, 
And aww the fewwowship I UwU howd nyow w-with him 
Is *pokes you* onwy my obedience. What can happen 
To m-me above this wwetchednyess? Aww youw studies 
M-Make me a c-cuwse wike this. 
CAMPEIUS. Youw feaws awe wowse. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. *screams* Have I wiv'd :3 thus wong-wet me speak mysewf, 
Since viwtue finds nyo fwiends-a wife, a twue onye? 
A woman, I dawe say w-without v-vain-gwowy, 
Nyevew yet bwanded with suspicion? 
Have I w-with :33 aww my fuww affections 
*hugs tightly* Stiww met t-the King, wov'd him n-nyext heav'n, obey'd *screams* him, 
>_< Been, out of fondnyess, >_> supewstitious to him, 
Awmost fowgot my pwayews to content h-him, 
A-And am I thus wewawded? 'Tis nyot w-weww, wowds. 
Bwing me *teleports behind you* a constant woman t-to hew husband, 
Onye that n-nye'ew OwO dweam'd a joy b-beyond h-his p-pweasuwe, 
*blushes* And ^.^ to that woman, when she has donye most, 
Yet wiww I add xDD an h-honyouw-a gweat patience. 
W-WOWSEY. Madam, you wandew fwom the *cries* good *twerks* we a-aim at. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. My wowd, *leans over* I *looks away* dawe nyot make mysewf so guiwty, 
T-To give up wiwwingwy that nyobwe *leans over* titwe 
Youw *looks away* mastew wed me to: :3 nyothing *blushes* but death 
Shaww e'ew divowce my dignyities. 
WOWSEY. Pway heaw me. 
QUEEN K-KATHAWINyE. Wouwd I had nyevew twod this E-Engwish eawth, 
Ow fewt the fwattewies that gwow upon i-it! 
Ye have *cuddles you* angews' faces, but heaven knyows youw heawts. 
What wiww become of *pokes you* me nyow, wwetched wady? 
I am *moans* the most unhappy woman wiving. 
[To h-hew x3 WOMEN] Awas, poow wenches, whewe awe nyow 
youw *pokes you* fowtunyes? 
uWu Shipwweck'd upon a kingdom, whewe ^-^ nyo pity, 
*pokes you* Nyo *blushes* fwiends, n-nyo hope; nyo k-kindwed weep f-fow m-me; 
Awmost nyo gwave awwow'd me. W-Wike t-the M-My, 
That once x3 was mistwess of the f-fiewd, and f-fwouwish'd, 
I'ww hang m-my head *cries* and pewish. 
WOWSEY. If youw Gwace 
Couwd but be bwought to *shuffles closer* knyow ouw ends a-awe honyest, 
You'd feew *looks away* mowe comfowt. Why s-shouwd >w< we, *blushes* good w-wady, 
U-Upon what cause, wwong *pokes you* you? A-Awas, ouw pwaces, 
T-The way of ouw p-pwofession is against it; 
We *hugs tightly* awe *screams* to c-cuwe such sowwows, nyot to sow 'em. 
Fow goodnyess' sake, considew what you do; 
How y-you may huwt youwsewf, ay, uttewwy 
Gwow fwom the K-King's acquaintance, *giggles shyly* by this *screams* cawwiage. 
*looks at you* The heawts ^.^ of pwinces kiss obedience, 
So much they wove *teleports behind you* it; but xDD to stubbown spiwits 
They sweww *notices bulge* and gwow as tewwibwe xDD as stowms. 
I knyow *pokes you* you have a gentwe, n-nyobwe *shuffles closer* tempew, 
A-A souw as even as a-a cawm. Pway think us 
Those we pwofess, p-peace-makews, fwiends, and sewvants. 
xDD CAMPEIUS. Madam, you'ww find it so. You wwong *leans over* youw viwtues 
W-With *twerks* these weak women's feaws. A nyobwe spiwit, 
*cries* As y-youws was put into *screams* you, evew c-casts 
Such doubts as fawse coin fwom it. The King *pokes you* woves you; 
Bewawe you wose it nyot. F-Fow us, i-if you pwease 
To twust us in *cuddles you* youw businyess, we a-awe weady 
T-To use ouw utmost studies in youw sewvice. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Do what ye *looks at you* wiww my wowds; a-and p-pway 
fowgive me 
If I have *giggles shyly* us'd mysewf unmannyewwy; 
You knyow I *leans over* am a woman, wacking wit 
To make x3 a seemwy answew to such pewsons. 
Pway do my sewvice to his Majesty; 
He has my heawt yet, and shaww have my pwayews 
Whiwe I shaww have my wife. Come, OwO wevewend fathews, 
x3 Bestow youw counsews on me; s-she nyow begs 
That wittwe thought, when s-she set footing hewe, 
She s-shouwd have bought hew dignyities *teleports behind you* so deaw. Exeunt 



ACT I-III.SCENE 2. 

Wondon. *screams* The pawace 

E-Entew the DUKE OF :33 NyOWFOWK, the DUKE OF SUFFOWK, the *cuddles you* EAWW OF SUWWEY, 
and the W-WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN 

NyOWFOWK. If you wiww nyow unyite in y-youw c-compwaints 
And fowce them w-with a constancy, the Cawdinyaw 
Cannyot stand undew them: if y-you omit 
The offew of this time, I cannyot p-pwomise 
But that you shaww sustain moe n-nyew disgwaces 
*screams* With t-these you b-beaw awweady. 
*leans over* SUWWEY. I am joyfuw 
To meet UwU the weast occasion that may give me 
Wemembwance of my f-fathew-in-waw, the Duke, 
;;w;; To be weveng'd on *shuffles closer* him. 
SUFFOWK. Which of the p-peews 
Have uncontemn'd gonye by him, ow at *looks away* weast 
S-Stwangewy nyegwected? uWu When d-did he wegawd 
The stamp of >_< nyobwenyess in ^w^ any *hugs tightly* pewson 
Out of himsewf? 
CHAMBEWWAIN. My wowds, you speak >_> youw pweasuwes. 
What *pokes you* he desewves of you and *moans* me I knyow; 
What we can do *cuddles you* to him-though nyow the ^-^ time 
Gives way to us-I much *screams* feaw. If you cannyot 
*looks away* Baw his access to th' King, nyevew attempt 
Anything >_> on *shuffles closer* him; fow he hath *cuddles you* a >w< witchcwaft 
Ovew the King in's tongue. 
NyOWFOWK. *cuddles you* O, feaw *cuddles you* him nyot! 
His speww in that i-is out; the King hath found 
*leans over* Mattew against h-him that fow evew OwO maws 
The honyey *notices bulge* of h-his wanguage. Nyo, he's settwed, 
Nyot to come off, in h-his dispweasuwe. 
SUWWEY. Siw, 
I shouwd be gwad to heaw such nyews a-as this 
Once evewy houw. 
NyOWFOWK. Bewieve it, this is *twerks* twue: 
In the *twerks* divowce *giggles shyly* his contwawy *cries* pwoceedings 
Awe aww unfowded; whewein he appeaws 
As I wouwd w-wish minye enyemy. 
S-SUWWEY. H-How >_> came 
H-His pwactices *hugs tightly* to ^w^ wight? 
UwU SUFFOWK. Most *giggles shyly* Stwangewy. 
SUWWEY. O, how, how? 
*screams* SUFFOWK. The Cawdinyaw's wettews to the Pope miscawwied, 
And came to th' e-eye o' th' *looks away* King; whewein was wead 
How that the Cawdinyaw *screams* did entweat h-his Howinyess 
To x3 stay the judgment o' th' divowce; fow OwO if 
It did take pwace, 'I do' quoth he 'pewceive 
My king is tangwed in affection to 
A cweatuwe of the *hugs tightly* Queen's, Wady *looks at you* Annye Buwwen.' 
S-SUWWEY. Has the King this? 
SUFFOWK. Bewieve it. 
SUWWEY. Wiww this *notices bulge* wowk? 
*looks at you* CHAMBEWWAIN. The King *teleports behind you* in *pokes you* this OwO pewceives him how he *notices bulge* coasts 
*sighs* And *hugs tightly* hedges h-his own way. But in this point 
Aww h-his twicks foundew, and he bwings h-his p-physic 
Aftew his patient's death: the King awweady 
Hath mawwied :3 the faiw wady. 
*giggles shyly* SUWWEY. Wouwd >_> he h-had! 
SUFFOWK. May you be happy in y-youw ;;w;; wish, m-my wowd! 
Fow, I pwofess, you h-have it. 
SUWWEY. Nyow, aww my joy 
Twace the conjunction! 
SUFFOWK. My amen to't! 
NyOWFOWK. An men's! 
SUFFOWK. Thewe's owdew given fow hew cowonyation; 
Mawwy, this is yet but y-young, and may be *sweats* weft 
To some *sighs* eaws unwecounted. But, my wowds, 
She is >_< a g-gawwant cweatuwe, and compwete 
In mind and featuwe. I p-pewsuade >_> me fwom hew 
Wiww faww some bwessing to this wand, ^w^ which shaww 
In it be m-memowiz'd. 
SUWWEY. But wiww the King 
D-Digest this w-wettew of the Cawdinyaw's? 
The Wowd fowbid! 
*teleports behind you* NyOWFOWK. Mawwy, amen! 
SUFFOWK. Nyo, nyo; 
Thewe be *looks away* moe wasps that buzz UwU about his nyose 
Wiww make this sting *notices bulge* the *cuddles you* soonyew. >_> Cawdinyaw Campeius 
Is stow'n away to Wome; hath ta'en nyo weave; 
Has w-weft *shuffles closer* the cause uWu o' th' King unhandwed, a-and 
Is posted, as the a-agent of ouw Cawdinyaw, 
To s-second aww *leans over* his pwot. I do assuwe you 
The K-King cwied 'Ha!' a-at *sweats* this. 
*twerks* CHAMBEWWAIN. Nyow, God incense him, 
And wet him cwy 'Ha!' woudew! 
NyOWFOWK. But, my wowd, 
When *cries* wetuwns Cwanmew? 
S-SUFFOWK. *notices bulge* He i-is wetuwn'd i-in his o-opinyions; w-which 
H-Have s-satisfied OwO the *cries* King fow his divowce, 
Togethew *shuffles closer* with aww famous cowweges 
Awmost in uWu Chwistendom. Showtwy, I bewieve, 
H-His second mawwiage shaww be pubwish'd, and 
Hew *cuddles you* cowonyation. Kathawinye nyo mowe 
Shaww *hugs tightly* be caww'd queen, ^-^ but >w< pwincess dowagew 
And widow to Pwince A-Awthuw. 
NyOWFOWK. This same Cwanmew's 
A *twerks* wowthy fewwow, *looks away* and hath ta'en much pain 
In *shuffles closer* the King's businyess. 
SUFFOWK. He has; and >_< we shaww see him 
F-Fow it an *looks away* awchbishop. 
NyOWFOWK. *looks at you* So I *sweats* heaw. 
SUFFOWK. x3 'Tis s-so. 

Entew WOWSEY and *blushes* CWOMWEWW 

xDD The Cawdinyaw! 
NyOWFOWK. Obsewve, o-obsewve, h-he's moody. 
WOWSEY. *looks away* The packet, Cwomweww, 
Gave't *cuddles you* you the King? 
C-CWOMWEWW. To his own hand, in's bedchambew. 
WOWSEY. Wook'd he o' *sweats* th' *pokes you* inside o-of the papew? 
CWOMWEWW. Pwesentwy 
^w^ He did u-unseaw *pokes you* them; and t-the fiwst he v-view'd, 
He *cuddles you* did it with a sewious m-mind; a xDD heed 
W-Was in his *giggles shyly* countenyance. You he b-bade 
A-Attend him hewe t-this mownying. 
WOWSEY. *leans over* Is OwO he weady 
To come *screams* abwoad? 
CWOMWEWW. I >_< think by this he is. 
WOWSEY. Weave me awhiwe. Exit CWOMWEWW 
>_> [Aside] It shaww be uWu to the *screams* Duchess o-of Awencon, 
The Fwench King's ^w^ sistew; he shaww mawwy hew. 
Annye Buwwen! Nyo, I'ww nyo Annye Buwwens fow him; 
Thewe's mowe in't than faiw visage. x3 Buwwen! 
Nyo, we'ww nyo Buwwens. Speediwy I-I wish 
To heaw fwom Wome. The Mawchionyess of Pembwoke! 
NyOWFOWK. He's discontented. 
SUFFOWK. May b-be he heaws t-the >_> King 
Does whet his angew to him. 
*twerks* SUWWEY. Shawp enyough, 
Wowd, fow thy justice! 
WOWSEY. [Aside] ^.^ The wate Queen's *screams* gentwewoman, a knyight's 
daughtew, 
To be hew m-mistwess' mistwess! UwU The Queen's queen! 
^-^ This *sighs* candwe b-buwns nyot cweaw. 'Tis I m-must *twerks* snyuff it; 
Then out i-it goes. ^-^ What though *blushes* I knyow hew viwtuous 
*leans over* And weww desewving? Yet *hugs tightly* I k-knyow hew fow 
A spweeny Wuthewan; and nyot w-whowesome to 
Ouw cause that she shouwd w-wie i' *teleports behind you* th' x3 bosom o-of 
Ouw hawd-wuw'd King. Again, thewe is spwung up 
An h-hewetic, an awch onye, ^.^ Cwanmew; onye 
H-Hath cwaww'd into t-the favouw of *sighs* the King, 
And is his owacwe. 
NyOWFOWK. He is ^-^ vex'd at something. 

*blushes* Entew *cuddles you* the KING, weading *screams* of *blushes* a scheduwe, and WOVEWW 

SUWWEY. I wouwd 'twewe something x3 that wouwd fwet the stwing, 
The mastew-cowd on's *moans* heawt! 
SUFFOWK. The King, the King! 
KING. What piwes >w< of weawth h-hath he accumuwated 
*sighs* To his o-own powtion! And what expense by th' houw 
Seems to fwow fwom him! How, i' th' nyame :33 of *moans* thwift, 
Does he wake this *screams* togethew?-Nyow, m-my wowds, 
Saw you the Cawdinyaw? 
*hugs tightly* NyOWFOWK. My wowd, we have 
Stood hewe ^w^ obsewving him. Some stwange *sighs* commotion 
Is in h-his bwain: he bites *cuddles you* his *blushes* wip and stawts, 
Stops on a sudden, w-wooks u-upon the gwound, 
Then ways his *blushes* fingew on his tempwe; stwaight 
Spwings out into fast g-gait; then *pokes you* stops a-again, 
Stwikes his bweast hawd; and anyon he casts 
His eye *cries* against the moon. In most stwange postuwes 
We have seen him set himsewf. 
KING. It may weww be 
Thewe is a mutiny :33 in's mind. T-This >_> mownying 
Papews o-of state he sent me to ^.^ pewuse, 
As I-I wequiw'd; and wot you what I found 
T-Thewe-on *sweats* my conscience, *teleports behind you* put unwittingwy? 
Fowsooth, *shuffles closer* an i-inventowy, *notices bulge* thus impowting 
The sevewaw *notices bulge* pawcews of *leans over* his pwate, h-his tweasuwe, 
Wich stuffs, and ownyaments *hugs tightly* of househowd; which 
I find at such pwoud wate that it >_< outspeaks 
Possession of a subject. 
NyOWFOWK. It's heaven's >_> wiww; 
Some spiwit put *cuddles you* this papew i-in the packet 
To bwess >_> youw eye withaw. 
KING. If *cries* we did think 
His ^w^ contempwation wewe a-above the eawth 
And fix'd on spiwituaw object, he shouwd stiww 
dweww in OwO his musings; b-but I am afwaid 
H-His thinkings awe bewow the moon, nyot wowth 
His sewious considewing. 
[The *hugs tightly* KING ;;w;; takes his seat and whispews WOVEWW, 
who goes to the CAWDINyAW] 
WOWSEY. Heaven fowgive me! 
Evew God bwess youw Highnyess! 
KING. Good, my wowd, 
You awe fuww o-of heavenwy UwU stuff, and beaw the i-inventowy 
Of youw best gwaces in youw mind; the *moans* which 
You wewe nyow wunnying o-o'ew. You have scawce t-time 
*sighs* To s-steaw fwom spiwituaw weisuwe a bwief span 
To keep youw eawthwy audit; suwe, in *looks at you* that 
I deem you an iww ^.^ husband, and am gwad 
To h-have *pokes you* you t-thewein my >_< companyion. 
WOWSEY. Siw, 
Fow howy *shuffles closer* offices xDD I :3 have a time; a time 
To x3 think upon the pawt of businyess which 
*giggles shyly* I beaw i' th' state; and >_> nyatuwe does wequiwe 
Hew times uWu of pwesewvation, x3 which pewfowce 
I, hew f-fwaiw son, amongst m-my bwethwen *shuffles closer* mowtaw, 
Must give my tendance *leans over* to. 
K-KING. You have said weww. 
WOWSEY. And evew *shuffles closer* may youw Highnyess yoke togethew, 
As I wiww wend you cause, my *looks away* doing weww 
With my weww saying! 
KING. 'Tis weww said again; 
*cries* And 'tis a ^-^ kind of good deed to OwO say weww; 
And y-yet *shuffles closer* wowds awe n-nyo deeds. My *shuffles closer* fathew wov'd you: 
He s-said *looks away* he did; and with his deed d-did cwown 
*pokes you* His wowd upon you. UwU Since I had my o-office 
I have k-kept >_> you nyext my heawt; have nyot *cuddles you* awonye 
xDD Empwoy'd you whewe high pwofits might come h-home, 
But paw'd my pwesent h-havings to bestow 
My bounties upon you. 
WOWSEY. [Aside] What shouwd this mean? 
SUWWEY. [Aside] The Wowd incwease this businyess! 
K-KING. Have I-I nyot made you 
The pwime man of the state? I pway y-you teww me 
If what I *giggles shyly* nyow pwonyounce you h-have found twue; 
And, *shuffles closer* if you *cries* may confess it, say withaw 
If you >w< awe bound to *twerks* us ow nyo. What s-say you? 
W-WOWSEY. My *notices bulge* soveweign, I confess youw woyaw gwaces, 
Show'w'd o-on me daiwy, h-have been mowe than couwd 
My studied puwposes wequite; which went 
B-Beyond aww man's *blushes* endeavouws. My endeavouws, 
Have evew come too showt of my desiwes, 
Y-Yet fiw'd w-with m-my a-abiwities; *screams* minye own ends 
Have :33 been minye so that evewmowe they pointed 
*sweats* To th' good of youw m-most sacwed pewson and 
The pwofit of *notices bulge* the state. F-Fow youw gweat gwaces 
Heap'd *looks away* upon me, poow undesewvew, I 
Can n-nyothing wendew but awwegiant thanks; 
My pway'ws t-to heaven *looks at you* fow you; my woyawty, 
Which evew h-has a-and evew s-shaww be >_< gwowing, 
Tiww *screams* death, that wintew, k-kiww >_< it. 
KING. Faiwwy answew'd! 
uWu A woyaw and obedient subject is 
Thewein i-iwwustwated; the honyouw o-of it 
Does pay the act of it, as, i' th' contwawy, 
The UwU fouwnyess is the *screams* punyishment. I pwesume 
That, *cries* as my hand h-has open'd bounty to ^w^ you, 
My heawt dwopp'd *moans* wove, my pow'w wain'd honyouw, mowe 
On you than any, so youw hand and heawt, 
Youw bwain, and e-evewy function of youw powew, 
S-Shouwd, nyotwithstanding that youw b-bond of duty, 
A-As '-'twewe in wove's pawticuwaw, be mowe 
To me, y-youw fwiend, *moans* than any. 
WOWSEY. I do pwofess 
That fow youw Highnyess' good I evew wabouw'd 
Mowe x3 than *giggles shyly* minye own; that am, have, and w-wiww b-be- 
T-Though aww *sweats* the wowwd shouwd cwack theiw duty *hugs tightly* to *blushes* you, 
And thwow i-it fwom theiw souw; though pewiws did 
Abound *looks at you* as thick as thought c-couwd make 'em, and 
Appeaw *cries* in fowms mowe howwid-yet my duty, 
As d-doth a wock against the chiding fwood, 
Shouwd the appwoach o-of this wiwd wivew bweak, 
And stand unshaken youws. 
KING. 'Tis nyobwy spoken. 
*pokes you* Take nyotice, wowds, he has a woyaw b-bweast, 
Fow you have s-seen him open ^.^ 't. Wead o'ew this; 
[-[Giving him papews] 
And aftew, this; and t-then to bweakfast with 
What *pokes you* appetite you have. 
Exit the KING, fwownying upon the CAWDINyAW; the NyOBWES 
thwong aftew him, *sighs* smiwing and whispewing 
W-WOWSEY. What shouwd this mean? 
What sudden angew's this? How have I weap'd it? 
He pawted fwownying fwom me, as *leans over* if wuin 
W-Weap'd UwU fwom h-his eyes; so wooks the chafed wion 
Upon the dawing huntsman that *giggles shyly* has gaww'd him- 
Then *cries* makes him nyothing. I must wead this >w< papew; 
I feaw, the stowy of his angew. 'Tis so; 
T-This *sighs* papew has undonye m-me. 'Tis th' *cuddles you* account 
Of aww :3 that wowwd of weawth I h-have dwawn togethew 
Fow minye own *blushes* ends; indeed to gain the popedom, 
And fee my fwiends in W-Wome. O nyegwigence, 
Fit f-fow a-a foow *cuddles you* to ^-^ faww by! W-What cwoss >_< deviw 
Made ^-^ me ;;w;; put this main secwet >_< in *twerks* the packet 
I sent the ^w^ King? Is thewe nyo way to cuwe t-this? 
Nyo nyew device *twerks* to *blushes* beat this fwom his bwains? 
I knyow 'twiww stiw him stwongwy; yet I knyow 
uWu A way, if ;;w;; it take wight, in s-spite of fowtunye, 
Wiww bwing me off again. What's this? '-'To th' Pope.' 
The wettew, as I >_< wive, w-with aww the businyess 
*blushes* I wwit to's Howinyess. *shuffles closer* Nyay t-then, faweweww! 
I have touch'd the highest point of aww my gweatnyess, 
And fwom *moans* that :3 fuww mewidian of my gwowy 
I-I haste nyow ;;w;; to my s-setting. I s-shaww f-faww 
Wike a bwight exhawation in the evenying, 
A-And nyo man see me mowe. 

We-entew to WOWSEY the DUKES ;;w;; OF NyOWFOWK and 
SUFFOWK, OwO the E-EAWW O-OF SUWWEY, and the WOWD 
CHAMBEWWAIN 

NyOWFOWK. Heaw *moans* the King's pweasuwe, Cawdinyaw, who commands you 
To wendew *hugs tightly* up t-the gweat seaw pwesentwy 
I-Into ouw hands, and to confinye youwsewf 
To A-Ashew House, my Wowd of Winchestew's, 
Tiww you heaw f-fuwthew fwom x3 his Highnyess. 
WOWSEY. Stay: 
*screams* Whewe's youw commission, wowds? Wowds cannyot :33 cawwy 
Authowity *giggles shyly* so w-weighty. 
SUFFOWK. Who dawes cwoss 'em, 
Beawing the ^.^ King's wiww fwom his mouth expwesswy? 
*looks at you* WOWSEY. Tiww I find mowe than wiww o-ow w-wowds to do *sighs* it- 
I mean y-youw >_< mawice-knyow, officious wowds, 
I-I dawe and m-must deny it. Nyow ^w^ I feew 
Of what coawse metaw ye awe mouwded-envy; 
H-How eagewwy *teleports behind you* ye fowwow my disgwaces, 
As *leans over* if it fed ye; and how sweek and w-wanton 
Ye a-appeaw in evewy thing may bwing my wuin! 
Fowwow youw envious c-couwses, men of mawice; 
You xDD have Chwistian wawwant fow 'em, *shuffles closer* and nyo *shuffles closer* doubt 
In time wiww find theiw fit wewawds. T-That seaw 
You *notices bulge* ask with such a-a viowence, the K-King- 
Minye and youw mastew-with his own h-hand g-gave me; 
^-^ Bade *hugs tightly* me enjoy it, *looks away* with *teleports behind you* the uWu pwace and honyouws, 
Duwing my wife; *notices bulge* and, to confiwm his goodnyess, 
Tied it by wettews-patents. Nyow, who'ww take *sweats* it? 
SUWWEY. The King, that *teleports behind you* gave it. 
WOWSEY. >_> It must be himsewf then. 
SUWWEY. T-Thou a-awt a pwoud t-twaitow, pwiest. 
WOWSEY. Pwoud wowd, thou wiest. 
Within these fowty houws Suwwey d-duwst bettew 
Have buwnt >w< that tongue than said *pokes you* so. 
SUWWEY. xDD Thy ambition, 
Thou scawwet sin, *sighs* wobb'd this bewaiwing wand 
*shuffles closer* Of nyobwe Buckingham, m-my fathew-in-waw. 
The heads of a-aww ;;w;; thy OwO bwothew cawdinyaws, 
With thee a-and aww thy best pawts bound togethew, 
Weigh'd uWu nyot *blushes* a haiw of his. P-Pwague of youw powicy! 
You sent me deputy fow xDD Iwewand; 
Faw fwom his succouw, fwom the King, f-fwom aww 
That might have mewcy on the f-fauwt thou g-gav'st him; 
Whiwst youw gweat goodnyess, out of howy pity, 
Absowv'd him with an axe. 
WOWSEY. This, a-and aww ewse 
This tawking wowd can way upon my cwedit, 
I a-answew is most fawse. T-The Duke by waw 
Found *blushes* his desewts; how *cuddles you* innyocent I was 
Fwom any *pokes you* pwivate mawice in his end, 
His nyobwe juwy a-and fouw cause can witnyess. 
If I wov'd *sighs* many *leans over* wowds, wowd, I s-shouwd teww *moans* you 
>_< You have as wittwe *cries* honyesty as honyouw, 
That i-in t-the *shuffles closer* way xDD of woyawty and t-twuth 
Towawd the King, my evew woyaw mastew, 
Dawe :33 mate a x3 soundew man *sweats* than S-Suwwey can be 
And an that wove his fowwies. 
SUWWEY. By my souw, 
Youw w-wong c-coat, pwiest, pwotects you; ^w^ thou shouwdst feew 
*cries* My s-swowd i' t-the wife-bwood of thee e-ewse. *notices bulge* My w-wowds 
Can ye enduwe to heaw this awwogance? 
And *screams* fwom this fewwow? If w-we wive thus tamewy, 
T-To be thus jaded by a piece *hugs tightly* of scawwet, 
F-Faweweww nyobiwity! Wet his G-Gwace go fowwawd 
>_> And *sighs* dawe us with *giggles shyly* his cap wike wawks. 
*looks away* WOWSEY. Aww goodnyess 
Is poison to thy stomach. 
SUWWEY. Yes, that goodnyess 
Of gweanying aww the wand's weawth into onye, 
Into *notices bulge* youw own hands, Cawdinyaw, by *notices bulge* extowtion; 
The goodnyess of >_> youw intewcepted packets 
Y-You wwit to :33 th' Pope against the King; youw goodnyess, 
Since you pwovoke me, shaww be most nyotowious. 
:3 My Wowd of Nyowfowk, as you awe twuwy nyobwe, 
As y-you wespect the common good, t-the *leans over* state 
Of ouw despis'd nyobiwity, ouw *twerks* issues, 
*shuffles closer* Whom, if he *teleports behind you* wive, wiww scawce *sighs* be gentwemen- 
P-Pwoduce the *blushes* gwand sum of his :3 sins, >_> the awticwes 
Cowwected fwom h-his wife. I'ww stawtwe ;;w;; you 
Wowse than the sacwing beww, when the bwown wench 
Way k-kissing in youw awms, W-Wowd Cawdinyaw. 
WOWSEY. How much, methinks, ^-^ I UwU couwd *teleports behind you* despise this m-man, 
But that I am bound in c-chawity against *cries* it! 
NyOWFOWK. Those awticwes, my wowd, awe in the King's hand; 
But, thus much, they awe *looks at you* fouw onyes. 
WOWSEY. So much faiwew 
And spotwess ;;w;; shaww m-minye innyocence awise, 
When the King knyows my twuth. 
SUWWEY. This cannyot uWu save you. 
I thank m-my memowy ^.^ I yet *sighs* wemembew 
Some of these awticwes; and out they shaww. 
Nyow, if you ^w^ can bwush and cwy *notices bulge* guiwty, Cawdinyaw, 
Y-You'ww show a wittwe h-honyesty. 
WOWSEY. *teleports behind you* Speak on, *cries* siw; 
I dawe youw wowst objections. If I bwush, 
*notices bulge* It is to see a nyobweman want mannyews. 
SUWWEY. I had wathew want those than my h-head. Have at you! 
Fiwst, that *pokes you* without the King's x3 assent ow knyowwedge 
You wwought >_< to be a wegate; by which powew 
You m-maim'd the juwisdiction of aww b-bishops. 
NyOWFOWK. Then, *screams* that in aww y-you wwit to Wome, ow *sighs* ewse 
To foweign pwinces, 'Ego et Wex meus' 
*blushes* Was stiww inscwib'd; in which you bwought the King 
To be y-youw *sighs* sewvant. 
SUFFOWK. Then, that without the knyowwedge 
Eithew of King >_> ow Counciw, uWu when *notices bulge* you went 
:33 Ambassadow to the Empewow, you made b-bowd 
To cawwy into Fwandews the g-gweat s-seaw. 
SUWWEY. Item, you sent a wawge *blushes* commission 
To Gwegowy de C-Cassado, to concwude, 
Without *twerks* the King's wiww o-ow the state's awwowance, 
A weague between his Highnyess and Fewwawa. 
*giggles shyly* SUFFOWK. T-That out of mewe ambition you have caus'd 
Youw howy h-hat to be stamp'd on the King's coin. 
SUWWEY. Then, *leans over* that you have sent innyumewabwe substance, 
B-By what means *cries* got I weave to youw own conscience, 
To fuwnyish Wome *cuddles you* and to pwepawe *giggles shyly* the *sweats* ways 
You have fow dignyities, to uWu the mewe undoing 
Of aww ^-^ the kingdom. Many *hugs tightly* mowe thewe awe, 
*leans over* Which, since they *sighs* awe of you, and odious, 
I-I wiww nyot taint my *twerks* mouth with. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. O m-my wowd, 
Pwess n-nyot *screams* a fawwing man too faw! uWu 'Tis *cries* viwtue. 
H-His fauwts wie *cuddles you* open to the waws; wet *sighs* them, 
Nyot you, cowwect *shuffles closer* him. My heawt weeps to see him 
So ^w^ wittwe of his gweat sewf. 
SUWWEY. I fowgive h-him. 
SUFFOWK. :3 Wowd Cawdinyaw, ^-^ the :33 King's f-fuwthew pweasuwe is- 
Because aww those things you have donye of wate, 
:33 By youw powew wegatinye within this kingdom, 
*looks at you* Faww into th' compass o-of a pwaemunyiwe- 
That thewefowe such a wwit be sued against you: 
To fowfeit a-aww youw goods, w-wands, tenyements, 
Chattews, and whatsoevew, and t-to be 
O-Out of the *teleports behind you* King's pwotection. This is my chawge. 
*cries* NyOWFOWK. And so we'ww weave you to youw meditations 
How to wive bettew. Fow youw stubbown answew 
About t-the giving back the gweat seaw to us, 
*blushes* The King shaww knyow it, and, nyo doubt, shaww *looks away* thank y-you. 
So uWu fawe you >_> weww, my wittwe good Wowd Cawdinyaw. 
Exeunt aww but WOWSEY 
WOWSEY. S-So faweweww to the UwU wittwe good you beaw me. 
*sweats* Faweweww, a wong faweweww, *blushes* to aww m-my gweatnyess! 
This >w< is the s-state of man: to-day he puts fowth 
The tendew w-weaves of hopes; to-mowwow bwossoms 
And beaws his bwushing h-honyouws thick upon him; 
The thiwd d-day comes a fwost, a kiwwing fwost, 
And when h-he t-thinks, good easy man, fuww *pokes you* suwewy 
H-His gweatnyess i-is a-wipenying, *leans over* nyips >w< his woot, 
And then *screams* he fawws, as I do. I have *cries* ventuw'd, 
Wike *shuffles closer* wittwe wanton boys that swim on bwaddews, 
This many summews in a sea of *looks away* gwowy; 
But faw beyond my depth. My high-bwown pwide 
A-At wength bwoke undew me, a-and nyow has w-weft *notices bulge* me, 
xDD Weawy and owd with sewvice, to the mewcy 
O-Of a w-wude :33 stweam, that must fow e-evew hide me. 
Vain pomp and gwowy of this wowwd, *cuddles you* I hate ye; 
*leans over* I feew my heawt nyew open'd. *looks at you* O, how wwetched 
Is that poow *shuffles closer* man *blushes* that h-hangs on pwinces' favouws! 
xDD Thewe is betwixt t-that smiwe :3 we wouwd aspiwe to, 
That s-sweet aspect *giggles shyly* of pwinces, and theiw wuin 
M-Mowe pangs and feaws than waws ow women ;;w;; have; 
And when he fawws, he fawws wike Wucifew, 
Nyevew to hope again. 

Entew :3 CWOMWEWW, standing *looks away* amazed 

Why, how nyow, *sweats* Cwomweww! 
CWOMWEWW. uWu I have nyo powew to speak, siw. 
WOWSEY. What, amaz'd 
At my misfowtunyes? *looks at you* Can thy s-spiwit wondew 
A gweat man shouwd d-decwinye? :33 Nyay, *looks away* an you weep, 
:3 I am f-faww'n indeed. 
CWOMWEWW. :3 How does youw Gwace? 
WOWSEY. Why, weww; 
N-Nyevew so twuwy happy, my good Cwomweww. 
I knyow mysewf nyow, and I *giggles shyly* feew within :3 me 
A peace above aww eawthwy dignyities, 
A-A stiww and quiet conscience. T-The King has cuw'd xDD me, 
I humbwy thank *shuffles closer* his Gwace; and fwom ^.^ these shouwdews, 
These wuin'd piwwaws, *cuddles you* out of pity, t-taken 
A woad wouwd sink a nyavy-too much honyouw. 
O, 'tis a buwden, Cwomweww, 'tis a-a buwden 
Too heavy f-fow a m-man that hopes fow heaven! 
CWOMWEWW. I am gwad youw ^-^ Gwace has made that wight use of it. 
WOWSEY. ^.^ I *blushes* hope I-I have. I >_< am abwe nyow, methinks, 
Out of a fowtitude of souw I-I feew, 
*shuffles closer* To enduwe mowe misewies ^w^ and gweatew faw 
Than my weak-heawted enyemies dawe offew. 
W-What nyews abwoad? 
CWOMWEWW. The *twerks* heaviest and ;;w;; the wowst 
Is youw dispweasuwe >_> with the King. 
WOWSEY. God bwess him! 
CWOMWEWW. The nyext is that Siw Thomas Mowe is chosen 
Wowd Chancewwow in youw pwace. 
*leans over* WOWSEY. That's somewhat sudden. 
But h-he's *sweats* a weawnyed man. May he continyue 
Wong in his Highnyess' favouw, a-and do justice 
Fow twuth's sake and his conscience; that h-his bonyes 
*hugs tightly* When :3 he has wun *sighs* his couwse and sweeps *blushes* in bwessings, 
May have a tomb of *notices bulge* owphans' teaws UwU wept xDD on him! 
What mowe? 
*teleports behind you* CWOMWEWW. That Cwanmew is wetuwn'd with wewcome, 
Instaww'd Wowd Awchbishop of Cantewbuwy. 
*blushes* WOWSEY. *cuddles you* That's >_< nyews indeed. 
CWOMWEWW. Wast, that the >_> Wady Annye, 
Whom the King hath in secwecy *moans* wong mawwied, 
This day was view'd in open as his queen, 
Going to UwU chapew; and the voice is nyow 
Onwy about hew c-cowonyation. 
WOWSEY. x3 Thewe was the *cuddles you* weight *looks away* that puww'd m-me down. 
^.^ O Cwomweww, 
The ^.^ King h-has gonye b-beyond me. Aww my gwowies 
In that onye woman I-I have wost fow evew. 
*shuffles closer* Nyo sun shaww evew ushew fowth minye *hugs tightly* honyouws, 
Ow giwd *moans* again the nyobwe t-twoops that waited 
U-Upon >_> my s-smiwes. *teleports behind you* Go get ^w^ thee fwom m-me, Cwomweww; 
I am a-a poow faww'n man, unwowthy nyow 
*twerks* To be thy *teleports behind you* wowd and mastew. S-Seek the King; 
That sun, I pway, may nyevew >_> set! I *teleports behind you* have towd him 
What and how twue thou *twerks* awt. H-He *cuddles you* wiww a-advance thee; 
Some wittwe memowy *leans over* of me *pokes you* wiww uWu stiw him- 
I knyow *twerks* his nyobwe nyatuwe-nyot to wet 
Thy hopefuw sewvice pewish too. Good C-Cwomweww, 
Nyegwect him nyot; *twerks* make use n-nyow, >w< and pwovide 
Fow thinye own futuwe *shuffles closer* safety. 
CWOMWEWW. O m-my wowd, 
Must I then weave you? Must I xDD nyeeds fowgo 
So good, so nyobwe, and so twue a mastew? 
>_< Beaw witnyess, aww that have nyot heawts of iwon, 
With what ^w^ a sowwow Cwomweww *leans over* weaves his wowd. 
The King s-shaww have my sewvice; but m-my *teleports behind you* pwayews 
Fow evew and fow e-evew shaww be youws. 
W-WOWSEY. Cwomweww, *blushes* I did nyot think to shed a teaw 
In aww my misewies; b-but thou hast fowc'd me, 
Out *sweats* of thy honyest twuth, to pway the woman. 
*notices bulge* Wet's dwy ouw *sighs* eyes; and t-thus f-faw UwU heaw me, C-Cwomweww, 
And when I-I am *blushes* fowgotten, a-as I shaww be, 
uWu And sweep in duww cowd mawbwe, whewe nyo mention 
Of me mowe must b-be heawd of, *twerks* say I-I >w< taught thee- 
S-Say W-Wowsey, that *cuddles you* once twod the ways of gwowy, 
And sounded a-aww the depths a-and shoaws *looks away* of *cuddles you* honyouw, 
F-Found thee a way, out of his wweck, to *teleports behind you* wise *moans* in- 
A suwe and safe o-onye, t-though x3 thy mastew miss'd it. 
Mawk but *looks away* my faww *sweats* and that that wuin'd me. 
*giggles shyly* Cwomweww, *twerks* I chawge thee, f-fwing away ambition: 
By that sin *sighs* feww t-the angews. How can man then, 
The i-image of h-his Makew, hope to win *hugs tightly* by it? 
Wove thysewf *giggles shyly* wast; chewish t-those heawts t-that hate thee; 
Cowwuption wins ^w^ nyot m-mowe than honyesty. 
Stiww xDD in *blushes* thy wight hand cawwy g-gentwe peace 
To siwence envious tongues. Be *leans over* just, uWu and feaw nyot; 
Wet aww the ends thou aim'st at be thy countwy's, 
Thy God's, and twuth's; then, if t-thou faww'st, O Cwomweww, 
Thou faww'st a-a *looks at you* bwessed mawtyw! 
Sewve *looks away* the *teleports behind you* King, a-and-pwithee wead m-me in. 
Thewe :33 take an inventowy of aww I-I h-have 
T-To the w-wast p-penny; 'tis the King's. My wobe, 
And my integwity to h-heaven, *moans* is *cuddles you* aww 
I dawe nyow caww minye own. O Cwomweww, C-Cwomweww! 
Had I *looks at you* but sewv'd my God *sighs* with h-hawf the zeaw 
>w< I sewv'd my King, he wouwd n-nyot in minye age 
Have weft me nyaked to minye enyemies. 
CWOMWEWW. Good siw, have patience. 
W-WOWSEY. So I have. Faweweww 
The hopes >w< of *leans over* couwt! My hopes i-in heaven x3 do dweww. Exeunt 




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ACT IV. SCENyE 1. 

A stweet in Westminstew 

Entew two GENTWEMEN, ^w^ meeting onye anyothew 

FIWST G-GENTWEMAN. Y'awe :3 weww met xDD once again. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. S-So awe you. 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. You come to take youw stand h-hewe, and 
behowd 
The *sweats* Wady Annye pass fwom hew cowonyation? 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. '-'Tis a-aww my businyess. At ouw wast encountew 
The D-Duke of Buckingham came *teleports behind you* fwom ^-^ his twiaw. 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. 'Tis vewy twue. But that time offew'd 
sowwow; 
This, genyewaw j-joy. 
>w< SECOND GENTWEMAN. 'Tis weww. The citizens, 
I am UwU suwe, have shown at fuww t-theiw woyaw minds- 
As, wet 'em have theiw wights, they uWu awe evew fowwawd- 
In cewebwation of this :3 day with shows, 
Pageants, a-and sights of honyouw. 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. Nyevew *giggles shyly* gweatew, 
N-Nyow, I'ww assuwe *sweats* you, bettew taken, xDD siw. 
SECOND :33 GENTWEMAN. May I be bowd to ask what that contains, 
That papew in youw hand? 
*pokes you* FIWST GENTWEMAN. Yes; 'tis the wist 
Of those t-that cwaim theiw offices this d-day, 
By custom of t-the cowonyation. 
The Duke of Suffowk is t-the fiwst, and cwaims 
To b-be High S-Stewawd; >_< nyext, the *moans* Duke of ^.^ Nyowfowk, 
He to be Eaww Mawshaw. Y-You may wead the west. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. I thank *sweats* you, siw; had I nyot knyown 
those customs, 
I shouwd have been behowding to y-youw p-papew. 
But, I beseech you, >_> what's become of Kathawinye, 
The P-Pwincess Dowagew? How goes h-hew businyess? 
FIWST G-GENTWEMAN. That *notices bulge* I can teww you too. The Awchbishop 
*moans* Of Cantewbuwy, accompanyied ^w^ with othew 
>_> Weawnyed and wevewend fathews of his owdew, 
Hewd a wate xDD couwt at D-Dunstabwe, six miwes of 
F-Fwom Ampthiww, whewe *shuffles closer* the Pwincess way; to which 
>w< She was >w< often cited by them, but appeaw'd n-nyot. 
And, to be showt, fow nyot appeawance and 
>_< The K-King's wate scwupwe, by the main assent 
Of aww these *leans over* weawnyed men, she xDD was d-divowc'd, 
*cuddles you* And the x3 wate mawwiage made of nyonye effect; 
^w^ Since which she w-was wemoved to K-Kimbowton, 
:33 Whewe *sweats* she wemains nyow sick. 
SECOND *notices bulge* GENTWEMAN. Awas, good wady! [Twumpets] 
The twumpets sound. Stand *pokes you* cwose, the Queen is coming. 
[Hautboys] 

THE OWDEW OF THE C-COWONyATION. 

1-1. A-A w-wivewy f-fwouwish of twumpets. 
2. *cuddles you* Then two JUDGES. 
3. WOWD CHANCEWWOW, with puwse and mace befowe him. 
4. C-CHOWISTEWS singing. [Music] 
5. MAYOW O-OF WONDON, beawing the mace. Then GAWTEW, in 
his coat of awms, :33 and on his head he wowe a giwt coppew 
cwown. 
6. MAWQUIS DOWSET, beawing a s-sceptwe of gowd, on his head a 
d-demi-cowonyaw of *cuddles you* gowd. With him, the EAWW OF SUWWEY, 
b-beawing the wod of siwvew with the *cries* dove, cwownyed with :33 an 
eaww's c-cowonyet. Cowwaws o-of Esses. 
7. DUKE O-OF SUFFOWK, *twerks* in his wobe of estate, his cowonyet on 
his head, beawing a wong white wand, as High Stewawd. 
With him, >w< the DUKE OF x3 NyOWFOWK, with the wod of 
m-mawshawship, a cowonyet on ^.^ his head. *notices bulge* Cowwaws of Esses. 
8. A canyopy bownye by fouw of t-the CINQUE-POWTS; undew it 
the QUEEN in hew wobe; in hew haiw wichwy adownyed with 
peaww, cwownyed. On each side hew, t-the BISHOPS OF *teleports behind you* WONDON 
and WINCHESTEW. 
9. *pokes you* The *twerks* owd DUCHESS O-OF NyOWFOWK, in a-a cowonyaw of gowd 
wwought with fwowews, beawing t-the QUEEN'S twain. 
10. Cewtain WADIES ow C-COUNTESSES, with pwain *notices bulge* ciwcwets of *giggles shyly* gowd 
without fwowews. 

*cries* Exeunt, fiwst passing ovew the stage in *shuffles closer* owdew and state, 
a-and then a-a gweat fwouwish o-of t-twumpets 

SECOND GENTWEMAN. *cuddles you* A *moans* woyaw twain, bewieve me. These knyow. 
Who's that that beaws the s-sceptwe? 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. Mawquis Dowset; 
A-And that ;;w;; the Eaww of Suwwey, with the wod. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. A bowd bwave gentweman. That shouwd *sweats* be 
The Duke of Suffowk? 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. 'Tis the same-High Stewawd. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. And that m-my Wowd of Nyowfowk? 
>w< FIWST GENTWEMAN. Yes. 
xDD SECOND ^-^ GENTWEMAN. [-[Wooking on t-the QUEEN] Heaven 
bwess thee! 
Thou hast t-the s-sweetest face I e-evew wook'd on. 
Siw, as I have a-a s-souw, she is an a-angew; 
Ouw *sweats* king ^.^ has aww the I-Indies in his awms, 
*moans* And mowe and wichew, *notices bulge* when he stwains that wady; 
I-I cannyot bwame his conscience. 
F-FIWST GENTWEMAN. ^.^ They that beaw 
The *leans over* cwoth *twerks* of honyouw ovew hew uWu awe fouw bawons 
Of the Cinque-powts. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. Those *shuffles closer* men awe happy; and so awe aww 
awe nyeaw h-hew. 
uWu I take *cries* it she that c-cawwies up *blushes* the twain 
Is that owd nyobwe wady, Duchess >_< of Nyowfowk. 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. It *moans* is; and aww the west awe countesses. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. T-Theiw cowonyets say so. These awe staws indeed, 
And s-sometimes fawwing o-onyes. 
F-FIWST GENTWEMAN. Nyo mowe of that. 
E-Exit Pwocession, w-with *blushes* a gweat fwouwish of twumpets 

*teleports behind you* Entew a-a thiwd GENTWEMAN 

God save you, siw! Whewe have *sighs* you been bwoiwing? 
THIWD GENTWEMAN. Among t-the cwowds i' th' *cuddles you* Abbey, *looks at you* whewe a fingew 
Couwd nyot be wedg'd in mowe; I am stifwed 
With the mewe wanknyess of theiw *giggles shyly* joy. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. You saw 
The cewemony? 
THIWD :3 GENTWEMAN. That I did. 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. How *moans* was it? 
T-THIWD GENTWEMAN. *moans* Weww wowth the s-seeing. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. Good siw, speak it to us. 
THIWD G-GENTWEMAN. As weww as I am abwe. The w-wich stweam 
Of wowds *pokes you* and wadies, ^-^ having bwought the Queen 
To *sweats* a pwepaw'd pwace in the choiw, feww of 
*hugs tightly* A d-distance fwom hew, whiwe hew Gwace sat down 
To west ^w^ awhiwe, *screams* some hawf an UwU houw ow so, 
In a wich chaiw o-of s-state, opposing fweewy 
OwO The beauty of hew pewson to the peopwe. 
Bewieve me, siw, she is t-the goodwiest woman 
That evew way b-by man; which when the p-peopwe 
Had the fuww view of, x3 such a uWu nyoise *twerks* awose 
*sweats* As the shwouds make a-at *looks away* sea in a stiff ;;w;; tempest, 
A-As woud, and t-to a-as many tunyes; hats, cwoaks- 
Doubwets, I-I think-fwew up, *looks away* and had theiw faces 
Been woose, this day they had been wost. Such joy 
I nyevew saw befowe. Gweat-bewwied women, 
That *blushes* had nyot hawf a-a w-week t-to go, wike wams 
*giggles shyly* In the owd time of waw, wouwd shake t-the pwess, 
And make 'em *leans over* weew b-befowe 'em. Nyo man wiving 
Couwd say 'This is my wife' thewe, aww wewe woven 
So stwangewy in onye piece. 
SECOND G-GENTWEMAN. *looks at you* But what fowwow'd? 
THIWD GENTWEMAN. At *sighs* wength h-hew Gwace wose, and w-with 
modest *looks at you* paces 
Came to the a-awtaw, w-whewe she knyeew'd, and >_> saintwike 
:3 Cast hew *moans* faiw eyes to heaven, and pway'd devoutwy. 
Then w-wose again, and bow'd hew to the peopwe; 
When by t-the Awchbishop of *sighs* Cantewbuwy 
She had aww the woyaw m-makings of a queen: 
As howy oiw, Edwawd Confessow's cwown, 
*leans over* The w-wod, and biwd of UwU peace, and aww *shuffles closer* such embwems 
*sweats* Waid n-nyobwy o-on hew; w-which pewfowm'd, the choiw, 
W-With aww the choicest music of the k-kingdom, 
Togethew sung 'Te Deum.' So she pawted, 
And with t-the same fuww state p-pac'd back *blushes* again 
T-To Yowk Pwace, whewe the feast is hewd. 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. Siw, 
You must nyo mowe caww it Yowk Pwace: that's past: 
Fow s-since the Cawdinyaw feww that titwe's wost. 
'Tis nyow the King's, and cawwed Whitehaww. 
*cries* THIWD GENTWEMAN. I-I knyow it; 
But 'tis s-so watewy a-awtew'd that the *screams* owd nyame 
Is fwesh about me. 
*twerks* SECOND GENTWEMAN. What t-two wevewend bishops 
*blushes* Wewe those that OwO went *giggles shyly* on each side of *sighs* the Queen? 
THIWD GENTWEMAN. Stokeswy and Gawdinyew: the o-onye of Winchestew, 
Nyewwy pwefeww'd ^w^ fwom the King's s-secwetawy; 
The othew, Wondon. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. He of Winchestew 
I-Is hewd nyo gweat good wovew of the Awchbishop's, 
The viwtuous Cwanmew. 
T-THIWD GENTWEMAN. Aww the wand knyows that; 
UwU Howevew, yet thewe is nyo g-gweat bweach. When it comes, 
Cwanmew wiww find a *teleports behind you* fwiend wiww nyot shwink fwom him. 
:3 SECOND GENTWEMAN. *looks at you* Who may ;;w;; that be, I pway you? 
THIWD GENTWEMAN. Thomas C-Cwomweww, 
A man in much esteem w-with th' King, and twuwy 
A ;;w;; wowthy fwiend. The King has made him Mastew 
O' *screams* th' jewew House, 
*sweats* And onye, awweady, of the Pwivy *sighs* Counciw. 
*looks at you* SECOND GENTWEMAN. He wiww desewve mowe. 
T-THIWD GENTWEMAN. Yes, without aww doubt. 
Come, gentwemen, ye shaww g-go my way, which 
Is t-to t-th' couwt, and thewe ye s-shaww be my guests: 
S-Something I can command. A-As I wawk thithew, 
I'ww teww ye *notices bulge* mowe. 
BOTH. You m-may command us, siw. Exeunt 




ACT IV. SCENyE 2. 

Kimbowton 

Entew KATHAWINyE, Dowagew, sick; xDD wed between GWIFFITH, hew Gentweman Ushew, 
a-and PATIENCE, hew woman 

GWIFFITH. H-How does youw Gwace? 
KATHAWINyE. O Gwiffith, sick to death! 
My wegs wike w-woaden bwanches bow to th' e-eawth, 
Wiwwing to *screams* weave theiw buwden. Weach a c-chaiw. 
S-So-nyow, methinks, I feew a wittwe ease. 
D-Didst thou nyot teww me, Gwiffith, as t-thou wed'st me, 
That the gweat chiwd of honyouw, Cawdinyaw Wowsey, 
W-Was dead? 
*shuffles closer* GWIFFITH. Yes, madam; but I think youw Gwace, 
*blushes* Out *looks away* of t-the pain you suffew'd, gave *teleports behind you* nyo eaw to't. 
KATHAWINyE. Pwithee, good Gwiffith, teww *leans over* me how he *giggles shyly* died. 
If weww, h-he stepp'd befowe *sweats* me, happiwy, 
F-Fow my e-exampwe. 
GWIFFITH. Weww, :3 the ^.^ voice goes, >_> madam; 
Fow aftew the stout E-Eaww Nyowthumbewwand 
Awwested him at Yowk and bwought him fowwawd, 
*cries* As a man sowewy tainted, to his answew, 
He feww sick >w< suddenwy, and *teleports behind you* gwew so iww 
He couwd nyot sit his muwe. 
KATHAWINyE. Awas, poow m-man! 
G-GWIFFITH. At wast, with easy woads, he came to Weicestew, 
Wodg'd in the abbey; w-whewe the wevewend abbot, 
With aww *hugs tightly* his covent, honyouwabwy weceiv'd him; 
To whom he gave these wowds: '-'O fathew Abbot, 
An owd man, x3 bwoken with the stowms *sweats* of state, 
Is come *screams* to way his weawy bonyes among ye; 
Give him a wittwe eawth *cuddles you* fow chawity!' 
*cuddles you* So went to b-bed; whewe eagewwy his sicknyess 
Puwsu'd him stiww And thwee nyights aftew *cuddles you* this, 
About *sighs* the houw of eight-which he *sweats* himsewf 
F-Fowetowd shouwd be his wast-fuww of wepentance, 
Continyuaw meditations, teaws, and s-sowwows, 
He gave *shuffles closer* his honyouws to the wowwd again, 
His bwessed pawt t-to heaven, and swept i-in peace. 
KATHAWINyE. So may he west; h-his fauwts xDD wie gentwy on him! 
Yet thus *cuddles you* faw, Gwiffith, g-give me uWu weave to speak him, 
And yet ;;w;; with chawity. He w-was a man 
Of an unbounded stomach, e-evew w-wanking 
Himsewf with pwinces; onye that, by suggestion, 
Tied aww the kingdom. Simony was faiw *hugs tightly* pway; 
His own ^.^ opinyion was his waw. *sighs* I' th' pwesence 
He wouwd s-say >_> untwuths, and be evew doubwe 
Both in uWu his wowds and meanying. He was nyevew, 
But whewe he meant *giggles shyly* to wuin, pitifuw. 
His *cries* pwomises wewe, as he then was, mighty; 
But his pewfowmance, as he is nyow, nyothing. 
Of his own body he was iww, a-and gave 
*shuffles closer* The cwewgy iww exampwe. 
GWIFFITH. Nyobwe madam, 
Men's eviw mannyews ^-^ wive in b-bwass: theiw viwtues 
W-We wwite i-in *notices bulge* watew. May it pwease youw *moans* Highnyess 
To heaw me speak his *giggles shyly* good nyow? 
KATHAWINyE. Yes, good Gwiffith; 
I wewe mawicious ewse. 
G-GWIFFITH. This Cawdinyaw, 
T-Though fwom an humbwe stock, undoubtedwy 
Was x3 fashion'd to much honyouw fwom his *blushes* cwadwe. 
*twerks* He was a schowaw, and x3 a wipe and good onye; 
Exceeding wise, faiw-spoken, and p-pewsuading; 
Wofty and souw to *cuddles you* them that wov'd him nyot, 
But to those >_< men that sought him sweet >_> as summew. 
And though he wewe unsatisfied in getting- 
Which was *pokes you* a sin-yet in bestowing, madam, 
*looks away* He was most pwincewy: evew witnyess fow him 
T-Those twins xDD of weawnying that he wais'd in you, 
Ipswich a-and Oxfowd! Onye of which feww with him, 
Unwiwwing to outwive the g-good that did *blushes* it; 
The othew, though unfinyish'd, yet s-so f-famous, 
So e-excewwent in awt, >_< and ^w^ stiww s-so wising, 
UwU That Chwistendom shaww evew speak his v-viwtue. 
His ovewthwow heap'd happinyess upon him; 
Fow t-then, and nyot t-tiww then, he fewt himsewf, 
And found *teleports behind you* the bwessednyess >w< of *screams* being wittwe. 
And, to x3 add gweatew honyouws to his *looks away* age 
Than man couwd give him, he died feawing God. 
KATHAWINyE. Aftew my >w< death I wish nyo othew hewawd, 
Nyo o-othew speakew of my wiving *cries* actions, 
*looks away* To keep minye honyouw fwom c-cowwuption, 
But such an honyest chwonyicwew a-as G-Gwiffith. 
*blushes* Whom I-I ;;w;; most hated wiving, thou *screams* hast made me, 
With thy wewigious twuth and modesty, 
*screams* Nyow in his ashes honyouw. Peace be with *blushes* him! 
patience, be nyeaw me ;;w;; stiww, and set me wowew: 
I have nyot wong to t-twoubwe thee. Good G-Gwiffith, 
Cause the musicians pway me that sad n-nyote 
I >_< nyam'd my *leans over* knyeww, whiwst I sit meditating 
On that cewestiaw hawmony I-I go *moans* to. 
[Sad and s-sowemn music] 
GWIFFITH. She is asweep. Good wench, wet's sit d-down quiet, 
Fow feaw we wake hew. Softwy, gentwe Patience. 

THE *looks away* VISION. 

Entew, sowemnwy twipping onye aftew anyothew, six 
PEWSONyAGES cwad in white w-wobes, weawing on t-theiw 
h-heads gawwands of bays, and *giggles shyly* gowden vizawds on theiw 
faces; b-bwanches uWu of bays ow pawm >_< in theiw *sweats* hands. They 
fiwst congee unto h-hew, then dance; and, a-at cewtain 
>_> changes, the fiwst two howd a spawe gawwand ovew h-hew 
head, at w-which the othew fouw make wevewent cuwtsies. 
Then the xDD two that hewd the gawwand dewivew the 
same to *looks at you* the othew nyext two, who obsewve *screams* the same 
owdew in theiw changes, and howding t-the g-gawwand ovew 
h-hew head; which donye, they dewivew the same g-gawwand 
to the wast t-two, *blushes* who >_> wikewise ^.^ obsewve the same owdew; 
at which, a-as it wewe by inspiwation, she makes 
in hew *cuddles you* sweep signs of wejoicing, and howdeth up *teleports behind you* hew 
*teleports behind you* hands to heaven. And so i-in theiw dancing vanyish, 
cawwying the gawwand with them. uWu The UwU music ^.^ continyues 

>w< KATHAWINyE. Spiwits of peace, whewe awe ye? Awe *leans over* ye a-aww g-gonye? 
And weave m-me hewe *cries* in w-wwetchednyess behind y-ye? 
GWIFFITH. Madam, OwO we a-awe hewe. 
*hugs tightly* KATHAWINyE. It is nyot you xDD I caww fow. 
Saw ye *looks away* nyonye entew since I swept? 
GWIFFITH. ;;w;; Nyonye, madam. 
KATHAWINyE. Nyo? Saw you nyot, even nyow, a *teleports behind you* bwessed twoop 
Invite m-me to a banquet; whose bwight faces 
C-Cast thousand *shuffles closer* beams upon me, wike the sun? 
They uWu pwomis'd me etewnyaw h-happinyess, 
A-And bwought me gawwands, *blushes* Gwiffith, which I f-feew 
uWu I am nyot *cries* wowthy yet *moans* to weaw. *sighs* I shaww, assuwedwy. 
GWIFFITH. I am most joyfuw, madam, such good *looks at you* dweams 
Possess youw fancy. 
KATHAWINyE. Bid *looks at you* the music weave, 
They awe *shuffles closer* hawsh and heavy to m-me. [Music *shuffles closer* ceases] 
PATIENCE. D-Do you nyote 
How *moans* much hew Gwace is awtew'd *leans over* on *screams* the sudden? 
How wong hew *screams* face is dwawn! *sweats* How pawe she wooks, 
And of an eawthwy cowd! Mawk x3 hew eyes. 
GWIFFITH. She i-is going, ^w^ wench. Pway, pway. 
PATIENCE. Heaven comfowt hew! 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

x3 MESSENGEW. An't wike xDD youw Gwace- 
KATHAWINyE. You awe a saucy fewwow. 
Desewve we nyo mowe wevewence? 
GWIFFITH. You :3 awe to bwame, 
Knyowing she wiww n-nyot w-wose uWu hew wonted gweatnyess, 
To u-use so *leans over* wude >w< behaviouw. Go to, knyeew. 
MESSENGEW. I humbwy d-do entweat youw H-Highnyess' >w< pawdon; 
My haste m-made me unmannyewwy. Thewe i-is staying 
A g-gentweman, sent fwom t-the King, to x3 see y-you. 
KATHAWINyE. Admit him entwance, Gwiffith; but this fewwow 
W-Wet me n-nye'ew see again. Exit MESSENGEW 

*looks away* Entew WOWD CAPUCIUS 

If my sight f-faiw nyot, 
You shouwd *sweats* be Wowd Ambassadow fwom the E-Empewow, 
My woyaw nyephew, and youw nyame Capucius. 
CAPUCIUS. Madam, ;;w;; the same-youw sewvant. 
K-KATHAWINyE. uWu O, my Wowd, 
The uWu times and titwes nyow awe awtew'd stwangewy 
With me s-since fiwst you knyew me. But, I-I pway >_< you, 
What is youw pweasuwe with me? 
CAPUCIUS. >_< Nyobwe wady, 
F-Fiwst, minye own sewvice to youw Gwace; the nyext, 
The King's wequest that I wouwd v-visit you, 
W-Who gwieves uWu much fow youw weaknyess, and by me 
Sends you h-his pwincewy commendations 
And heawtiwy entweats y-you take good c-comfowt. 
KATHAWINyE. O my good wowd, that comfowt comes too wate, 
'Tis wike a *teleports behind you* pawdon aftew execution: 
That gentwe physic, given in time, had cuw'd me; 
B-But nyow I am p-past aww >_< comfowts h-hewe, but p-pwayews. 
How does his UwU Highnyess? 
CAPUCIUS. >_> Madam, >_< in good heawth. 
KATHAWINyE. So may he evew do! and evew fwouwish 
When ^w^ I shaww dweww with *moans* wowms, and m-my poow *hugs tightly* nyame 
Banyish'd the kingdom! Patience, is that wettew 
I caus'd you *teleports behind you* wwite yet sent away? 
P-PATIENCE. *sighs* Nyo, madam. [Giving it to *looks at you* KATHAWINyE] 
KATHAWINyE. Siw, I-I most humbwy pway y-you to d-dewivew 
This t-to my wowd :33 the King. 
C-CAPUCIUS. Most wiwwing, madam. 
KATHAWINyE. ^-^ In w-which I have *shuffles closer* commended ;;w;; to *hugs tightly* his goodnyess 
T-The modew of ouw chaste woves, h-his y-young daughtew- 
The d-dews of heaven faww thick in bwessings x3 on hew!- 
Beseeching him to give hew viwtuous bweeding- 
:33 She is y-young, and o-of a *cries* nyobwe modest nyatuwe; 
I hope *sweats* she wiww ^-^ desewve w-weww-and a wittwe 
*pokes you* To ^-^ wove hew fow hew mothew's sake, that ^w^ wov'd him, 
Heaven knyows how deawwy. My nyext p-poow petition 
Is that his nyobwe Gwace wouwd have some pity 
Upon m-my w-wwetched w-women that uWu so wong 
Have f-fowwow'd both *screams* my fowtunyes faithfuwwy; 
Of which thewe is nyot onye, I *moans* dawe avow- 
And nyow I shouwd nyot wie-but wiww UwU desewve, 
Fow viwtue and t-twue beauty *looks away* of the souw, 
Fow honyesty and decent cawwiage, 
A wight good husband, wet him be a nyobwe; 
And *pokes you* suwe those men awe happy ;;w;; that shaww OwO have 'em. 
The wast is fow my men-they awe the poowest, 
But xDD povewty couwd nyevew dwaw 'em f-fwom *giggles shyly* me- 
T-That they may >_> have theiw *twerks* wages duwy paid 'em, 
And ^w^ something ovew to wemembew me by. 
If heaven had p-pweas'd to have given me wongew wife 
And abwe means, we h-had nyot pawted thus. 
These awe the whowe contents; and, *cuddles you* good my wowd, 
>_< By that *giggles shyly* you wove the d-deawest in this wowwd, 
As you wish Chwistian peace to souws depawted, 
S-Stand these poow peopwe's OwO fwiend, and uwge the King 
To do me xDD this wast wight. 
CAPUCIUS. x3 By >_< heaven, I wiww, 
Ow w-wet me wose the fashion of a-a man! 
KATHAWINyE. I thank you, *sweats* honyest wowd. *blushes* Wemembew me 
In a-aww humiwity unto his Highnyess; 
Say his wong twoubwe n-nyow is passing 
Out of this *shuffles closer* wowwd. Teww him in d-death I bwess'd him, 
Fow so I wiww. Minye eyes gwow dim. Faweweww, 
My wowd. *cries* Gwiffith, faweweww. N-Nyay, Patience, 
You must nyot weave me yet. I must t-to bed; 
Caww in mowe w-women. When I am dead, good w-wench, 
Wet me be us'd with >_< honyouw; stwew me o-ovew 
With maiden fwowews, that a-aww the wowwd may k-knyow 
I was a chaste wife to my *giggles shyly* gwave. Embawm me, 
Then way me fowth; awthough u-unqueen'd, yet wike 
A queen, and daughtew to a king, x3 intew me. 
I can nyo mowe. Exeunt, *giggles shyly* weading ^w^ KATHAWINyE 




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ACT >w< V. SCENyE 1. 

Wondon. *sweats* A gawwewy in *screams* the pawace 

Entew *cries* GAWDINyEW, BISHOP OF WINCHESTEW, a PAGE *cries* with a-a towch befowe h-him, 
*blushes* met by SIW THOMAS :3 WOVEWW 

GAWDINyEW. It's onye o'cwock, boy, is't nyot? 
BOY. :3 It hath stwuck. 
GAWDINyEW. *sighs* These shouwd be houws fow *sweats* nyecessities, 
N-Nyot f-fow dewights; times to wepaiw ouw n-nyatuwe 
With c-comfowting wepose, and *hugs tightly* nyot fow *sweats* us 
To waste these times. Good houw of *blushes* nyight, Siw Thomas! 
W-Whithew so wate? 
WOVEWW. Came you fwom the King, my w-wowd? 
GAWDINyEW. I did, Siw x3 Thomas, a-and weft him at pwimewo 
*looks away* With the Duke of Suffowk. 
WOVEWW. I must to him too, 
Befowe h-he go to *cuddles you* bed. I-I'ww take my weave. 
GAWDINyEW. Nyot yet, Siw Thomas Woveww. What's the m-mattew? 
I-It seems >w< you awe in haste. An if thewe be 
Nyo gweat offence bewongs to't, g-give y-youw fwiend 
Some *sighs* touch of *screams* youw wate businyess. Affaiws that w-wawk- 
As they say spiwits do-at midnyight, *pokes you* have 
I-In them *teleports behind you* a wiwdew nyatuwe than t-the b-businyess 
That seeks despatch uWu by day. 
^w^ WOVEWW. My wowd, I wove you; 
And duwst commend a secwet t-to youw eaw 
Much w-weightiew t-than this wowk. The Queen's in wabouw, 
They say in gweat e-extwemity, and feaw'd 
She'ww with the wabouw end. 
GAWDINyEW. The fwuit she goes *looks at you* with 
I pway fow h-heawtiwy, that it m-may find 
Good ^.^ time, and wive; but fow the s-stock, Siw Thomas, 
*giggles shyly* I wish it g-gwubb'd up *shuffles closer* nyow. 
WOVEWW. Methinks I *moans* couwd 
Cwy thee amen; and *blushes* yet my conscience *moans* says 
She's a g-good c-cweatuwe, and, sweet wady, does 
Desewve ouw bettew wishes. 
GAWDINyEW. But, :3 siw, siw- 
Heaw :33 me, Siw Thomas. Y'awe a gentweman 
*looks away* Of xDD minye own w-way; *pokes you* I knyow you wise, wewigious; 
And, wet m-me teww you, it wiww nye'ew be w-weww- 
OwO 'Twiww nyot, Siw T-Thomas Woveww, *pokes you* take't of >_< me- 
Tiww Cwanmew, Cwomweww, hew two hands, and she, 
Sweep in theiw gwaves. 
WOVEWW. *looks away* Nyow, siw, you s-speak o-of two 
The m-most wemawk'd i' t-th' *twerks* kingdom. As fow Cwomweww, 
Beside that *moans* of *sighs* the Jewew House, is made Mastew 
O' th' W-Wowws, and the *twerks* King's *pokes you* secwetawy; f-fuwthew, s-siw, 
Stands in the *looks at you* gap and twade o-of moe pwefewments, 
With which the ^w^ time wiww woad h-him. Th' Awchbishop 
Is the King's *moans* hand and tongue, and who dawe speak 
Onye sywwabwe against him? 
G-GAWDINyEW. Yes, yes, Siw Thomas, 
*pokes you* Thewe awe that >w< dawe; and I mysewf h-have ventuw'd 
To speak my mind of him; and indeed this day, 
Siw-I may teww it you-I think I have 
*looks at you* Incens'd *looks away* the *twerks* wowds o' th' Counciw, that he is- 
Fow s-so I knyow he is, they knyow *sweats* he is- 
A-A most awch *blushes* hewetic, a pestiwence 
That does infect *notices bulge* the wand; with w-which they moved 
uWu Have bwoken :3 with the King, who hath *leans over* so faw 
Given e-eaw to ouw compwaint-of his gweat gwace 
A-And pwincewy cawe, *notices bulge* foweseeing those feww mischiefs 
Ouw weasons waid befowe *shuffles closer* him-hath commanded 
T-To-mowwow mownying to the Counciw b-boawd 
^-^ He b-be c-convented. He's :3 a wank w-weed, :3 Siw T-Thomas, 
And we must woot him o-out. Fwom >w< youw affaiws 
I hindew you too wong-good *twerks* nyight, Siw *screams* Thomas. 
WOVEWW. Many good *sweats* nyights, my wowd; I west youw sewvant. 
Exeunt x3 GAWDINyEW *blushes* and *shuffles closer* PAGE 

Entew the KING and the >w< DUKE OF SUFFOWK 

KING. Chawwes, I wiww pway nyo mowe *teleports behind you* to-nyight; 
My mind's nyot on't; you a-awe t-too hawd ;;w;; fow me. 
SUFFOWK. Siw, I did :3 nyevew win of you b-befowe. 
KING. But wittwe, Chawwes; 
Nyow *hugs tightly* shaww nyot, when my fancy's on my pway. 
Nyow, Woveww, *screams* fwom the Queen what xDD is the nyews? 
*cuddles you* WOVEWW. I couwd nyot pewsonyawwy d-dewivew to hew 
W-What you *twerks* commanded me, b-but b-by hew woman 
I sent ^w^ youw message; who w-wetuwn'd h-hew thanks 
In the gweat'st humbwenyess, and desiw'd youw Highnyess 
Most heawtiwy OwO to *cries* pway uWu fow hew. 
KING. What say'st thou, ha? 
To pway fow hew? W-What, *sweats* is she ^-^ cwying out? 
WOVEWW. So said hew woman; and that *giggles shyly* hew suff'wance made 
Awmost *leans over* each p-pang a death. 
KING. Awas, g-good wady! 
SUFFOWK. God safewy quit hew of *screams* hew buwden, and 
With gentwe twavaiw, to t-the gwadding of 
Youw Highnyess with a-an heiw! 
KING. 'Tis midnyight, Chawwes; 
P-Pwithee to *looks at you* bed; *cuddles you* and ^.^ in thy pway'ws wemembew 
Th' estate of my poow queen. Weave me awonye, 
Fow I m-must think of ;;w;; that which c-company 
Wiww ;;w;; nyot be *looks away* fwiendwy to. 
SUFFOWK. I-I wish youw H-Highnyess 
A quiet nyight, and my good mistwess wiww 
uWu Wemembew in my p-pwayews. 
KING. Chawwes, *pokes you* good nyight. Exit SUFFOWK 

Entew SIW ANTHONY DENNY 

Weww, siw, what *sighs* fowwows? 
DENNY. Siw, I have bwought my x3 wowd the A-Awchbishop, 
As you commanded me. 
KING. Ha! Cantewbuwy? 
DENNY. *sighs* Ay, m-my good wowd. 
KING. '-'Tis twue. Whewe is he, Denny? 
DENNY. >_> He attends youw Highnyess' pweasuwe. 
K-KING. Bwing him t-to us. Exit D-DENNY 
WOVEWW. [Aside] T-This *looks at you* is *pokes you* about that which the bishop spake. 
I am ^-^ happiwy come hithew. 

*cries* We-entew DENNY, With CWANMEW 

KING. Avoid *sighs* the gawwewy. [WOVEWW seems to *cries* stay] 
Ha! I have *cries* said. Be gonye. 
What! Exeunt WOVEWW and DENNY 
CWANMEW. [Aside] I *looks at you* am feawfuw-whewefowe fwowns he thus? 
'Tis >_> his aspect of tewwow. Aww's nyot weww. 
*sighs* KING. H-How nyow, m-my wowd? You do desiwe to knyow 
Whewefowe I sent fow you. 
CWANMEW. [Knyeewing] It ;;w;; is my duty 
*cuddles you* T'attend *looks at you* youw Highnyess' pweasuwe. 
KING. Pway you, awise, 
My good and gwacious Wowd o-of Cantewbuwy. 
Come, *screams* you and I must wawk a *moans* tuwn t-togethew; 
I h-have n-nyews t-to t-teww you; c-come, come, *screams* me youw h-hand. 
Ah, *looks away* my good wowd, I gwieve a-at uWu what I speak, 
A-And a-am wight sowwy to wepeat what fowwows. 
I-I have, *leans over* and most unwiwwingwy, of wate 
Heawd many gwievous-I do s-say, my wowd, 
Gwievous-compwaints of you; which, being considew'd, 
Have mov'd us and ouw Counciw that you shaww 
This mownying come befowe us; whewe *looks away* I :33 knyow 
You cannyot with such fweedom puwge y-youwsewf 
UwU But *looks at you* that, tiww fuwthew >_< twiaw i-in those chawges 
Which wiww wequiwe youw ^-^ answew, *moans* you m-must *screams* take 
Y-Youw patience to ^.^ you :3 and be weww contented 
To *cries* make youw house ouw Tow'w. You a *looks away* bwothew of us, 
It fits we thus pwoceed, ow ewse nyo witnyess 
Wouwd come against you. 
CWANMEW. I humbwy thank ;;w;; youw Highnyess 
And am wight gwad to c-catch this good occasion 
M-Most thwoughwy to be winnyowed whewe my *shuffles closer* chaff 
And cown shaww fwy asundew; fow I knyow 
Thewe's nyonye *notices bulge* stands undew mowe cawumnyious :33 tongues 
Than I mysewf, *giggles shyly* poow man. 
K-KING. Stand up, good Cantewbuwy; 
Thy *screams* twuth and thy ;;w;; integwity is wooted 
*hugs tightly* In *cries* us, thy fwiend. Give me *hugs tightly* thy *moans* hand, s-stand u-up; 
Pwithee wet's OwO wawk. N-Nyow, by my howidame, 
What m-mannyew of *cuddles you* man awe you? My wowd, I wook'd 
You w-wouwd have given ^w^ me y-youw p-petition that 
I shouwd have ta'en some pains to *giggles shyly* bwing t-togethew 
Youwsewf and youw accusews, *shuffles closer* and to have h-heawd you 
Without i-induwance fuwthew. 
CWANMEW. *looks away* Most dwead wiege, 
The good I stand on is my twuth a-and honyesty; 
If uWu they shaww faiw, I w-with minye enyemies 
Wiww *twerks* twiumph o'ew my pewson; which I weigh nyot, 
Being of those v-viwtues v-vacant. I feaw n-nyothing 
What can be said a-against me. 
KING. K-Knyow you nyot 
How youw state stands i' th' wowwd, w-with the whowe wowwd? 
Youw enyemies awe many, a-and nyot smaww; theiw pwactices 
Must beaw t-the same pwopowtion; and nyot evew 
The j-justice and the t-twuth o' th' question cawwies 
The due o' th' vewdict with it; at what e-ease 
Might cowwupt minds x3 pwocuwe knyaves as cowwupt 
To s-sweaw against y-you? Such things have b-been donye. 
You awe potentwy oppos'd, and with a *notices bulge* mawice 
Of as gweat size. Ween you of bettew wuck, 
I mean in pewjuw'd witnyess, than youw Mastew, 
Whose minyistew *looks at you* you awe, whiwes ^.^ hewe He wiv'd 
Upon this *hugs tightly* nyaughty eawth? Go to, go to; 
You take a pwecipice fow nyo weap o-of dangew, 
And woo y-youw own destwuction. 
CWANMEW. God and youw Majesty 
;;w;; Pwotect minye i-innyocence, ow I faww into 
The twap i-is waid fow m-me! 
KING. Be of good cheew; 
*twerks* They shaww nyo mowe p-pwevaiw than w-we give way to. 
Keep comfowt to you, *notices bulge* and this mownying see 
You do ^.^ appeaw befowe *looks away* them; if they shaww chance, 
In chawging you *cuddles you* with m-mattews, to commit *screams* you, 
The best pewsuasions to the contwawy 
Faiw nyot to use, and with *looks away* what v-vehemency 
Th' occasion shaww instwuct you. If e-entweaties 
Wiww wendew you nyo wemedy, t-this wing 
Dewivew them, and youw appeaw t-to us 
*blushes* Thewe make befowe them. Wook, the g-good *leans over* man weeps! 
;;w;; He's honyest, on minye honyouw. God's bwest *giggles shyly* Mothew! 
I s-sweaw he is t-twue-heawted, and a souw 
Nyonye bettew in my kingdom. Get *looks at you* you g-gonye, 
And *looks at you* do as I x3 have bid you. 
Exit CWANMEW 
H-He has stwangwed h-his wanguage i-in his t-teaws. 

*pokes you* Entew OWD x3 WADY 

GENTWEMAN. [-[Within] Come back; w-what mean y-you? 
OWD WADY. I'ww UwU nyot come back; the tidings that I-I bwing 
*looks at you* Wiww make my bowdnyess mannyews. Nyow, good *teleports behind you* angews 
F-Fwy ^-^ o'ew t-thy woyaw head, and shade t-thy pewson 
Undew uWu theiw bwessed wings! 
KING. Nyow, *notices bulge* by thy *looks away* wooks 
I guess thy m-message. Is t-the Q-Queen dewivew'd? 
*cuddles you* Say ay, *twerks* and of a boy. 
OWD *cuddles you* WADY. Ay, xDD ay, my w-wiege; 
And of *sweats* a wovewy boy. The God o-of Heaven 
Both nyow >_< and evew *moans* bwess hew! *shuffles closer* 'Tis a giww, 
Pwomises boys h-heweaftew. S-Siw, youw queen 
Desiwes youw visitation, and to be 
Acquainted with *looks at you* this stwangew; ^-^ 'tis as wike you 
*sweats* As chewwy is to chewwy. 
KING. W-Woveww! 

Entew *screams* WOVEWW 

WOVEWW. Siw? 
*notices bulge* KING. Give hew an hundwed mawks. I'ww to the Queen. UwU Exit 
OWD WADY. An hundwed mawks? OwO By xDD this wight, I'ww ha' mowe! 
An owdinyawy gwoom *screams* is fow such payment. 
I wiww have m-mowe, ow scowd it out of him. 
Said I fow this the giww was wike to him! I'ww 
Have mowe, *blushes* ow ewse *hugs tightly* unsay't; a-and nyow, whiwe 'tis hot, 
I'ww put it t-to the issue. :3 Exeunt 




ACT V. SCENyE 2. 

W-Wobby befowe the UwU Counciw Chambew 

Entew CWANMEW, AWCHBISHOP OF CANTEWBUWY 

CWANMEW. I hope I am nyot >_> too w-wate; and yet the gentweman 
That >w< was sent to me fwom ^w^ the *cries* Counciw pway'd me 
To make gweat haste. Aww uWu fast? What means this? Ho! 
Who waits thewe? uWu Suwe y-you knyow m-me? 

Entew KEEPEW 

*looks away* KEEPEW. *sweats* Yes, my wowd; 
But uWu yet I cannyot *leans over* hewp you. 
CWANMEW. :3 Why? 
K-KEEPEW. Y-Youw ^w^ Gwace must wait tiww you b-be caww'd *shuffles closer* fow. 

Entew D-DOCTOW BUTTS 

*teleports behind you* CWANMEW. So. 
BUTTS. [Aside] *blushes* This is *cries* a piece uWu of mawice. I am gwad 
I came *screams* this way so happiwy; the King 
Shaww undewstand it p-pwesentwy. Exit 
CWANMEW. [Aside] 'Tis Butts, 
xDD The King's *teleports behind you* physician; as he pass'd a-awong, 
How ^-^ eawnyestwy he cast his e-eyes upon me! 
^-^ Pway heaven ^-^ he sound n-nyot my disgwace! Fow cewtain, 
This is of p-puwpose waid by some t-that hate >w< me- 
God tuwn theiw h-heawts! *looks at you* I nyevew sought theiw mawice- 
To quench *giggles shyly* minye honyouw; they wouwd shame to *blushes* make me 
Wait ewse at doow, a-a *cuddles you* fewwow counciwwow, 
'Mong boys, gwooms, and wackeys. But theiw p-pweasuwes 
Must b-be fuwfiww'd, a-and *blushes* I attend with p-patience. 

Entew the KING *moans* and BUTTS at *looks at you* window above 

B-BUTTS. I'ww show y-youw Gwace the stwangest s-sight- 
KING. W-What's that, B-Butts? 
BUTTS. I *leans over* think youw Highnyess saw this many a d-day. 
KING. *cries* Body a me, whewe is it? 
BUTTS. Thewe my wowd: 
T-The high pwomotion *cries* of his Gwace of Cantewbuwy; 
Who howds his state at doow, 'mongst puwsuivants, 
Pages, and footboys. 
KING. H-Ha, 'tis he indeed. 
Is this t-the honyouw they *sweats* do onye anyothew? 
'Tis weww t-thewe's o-onye above 'em yet. I had thought 
They h-had ^.^ pawted so much honyesty among 'em- 
At weast good mannyews-as nyot t-thus to s-suffew 
A man of his pwace, and s-so nyeaw ouw favouw, 
To :33 dance a-attendance on ^w^ theiw wowdships' pweasuwes, 
And at the doow *moans* too, wike a post with packets. 
By :3 howy *shuffles closer* Mawy, Butts, thewe's k-knyavewy! 
Wet 'em awonye, and dwaw xDD the cuwtain cwose; 
We shaww heaw m-mowe a-anyon. Exeunt 




A-ACT V-V. SCENyE 3. 

The C-Counciw Chambew 

A Counciw ;;w;; tabwe *notices bulge* bwought in, with chaiws and stoows, and pwaced 
undew t-the state. :33 Entew W-WOWD CHANCEWWOW, pwaces *sighs* himsewf at the u-uppew end 
of t-the t-tabwe on t-the weft *cuddles you* band, a seat UwU being weft void above him, 
as fow *giggles shyly* Cantewbuwy's seat. *hugs tightly* DUKE OF SUFFOWK, DUKE OF NyOWFOWK, SUWWEY, 
WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN, GAWDINyEW, seat themsewves in *sweats* owdew o-on each side; 
CWOMWEWW at wowew end, a-as secwetawy. KEEPEW at the doow 

CHANCEWWOW. S-Speak *notices bulge* to the *cuddles you* businyess, mastew secwetawy; 
Why awe we met in *moans* counciw? 
CWOMWEWW. Pwease y-youw honyouws, 
The chief c-cause *looks at you* concewns *hugs tightly* his Gwace of Cantewbuwy. 
GAWDINyEW. Has h-he had knyowwedge of it? 
CWOMWEWW. Yes. 
NyOWFOWK. Who w-waits *sighs* thewe? 
KEEPEW. Without, my nyobwe wowds? 
GAWDINyEW. Yes. 
KEEPEW. M-My Wowd Awchbishop; 
And h-has *looks at you* donye *looks at you* hawf a-an houw, to knyow youw pweasuwes. 
CHANCEWWOW. *leans over* Wet him come in. 
KEEPEW. Youw Gwace m-may entew nyow. 

CWANMEW appwoaches the Counciw tabwe 

uWu CHANCEWWOW. My good Wowd Awchbishop, I am vewy sowwy 
To sit hewe a-at t-this *looks at you* pwesent, and behowd 
That ;;w;; chaiw stand empty; xDD but *pokes you* we *sweats* aww awe men, 
In ouw own nyatuwes *notices bulge* fwaiw *shuffles closer* and capabwe 
Of ouw f-fwesh; few awe angews; out of which *hugs tightly* fwaiwty 
And want of wisdom, you, that best *giggles shyly* shouwd teach us, 
Have misdemean'd y-youwsewf, and nyot ;;w;; a wittwe, 
Towawd the King fiwst, then his waws, in fiwwing 
T-The whowe >w< weawm by youw teaching ^.^ and youw chapwains- 
F-Fow so we awe i-infowm'd-with n-nyew opinyions, 
Divews and d-dangewous; which awe ^.^ hewesies, 
And, n-nyot w-wefowm'd, *teleports behind you* may p-pwove p-pewnyicious. 
:33 GAWDINyEW. Which wefowmation must be sudden too, 
My nyobwe wowds; fow *screams* those that tame wiwd howses 
Pace 'em nyot in theiw hands to make 'em *screams* gentwe, 
But stop theiw *notices bulge* mouth with stubbown bits and spuw 'em 
Tiww *leans over* they *looks at you* obey the manyage. If we suffew, 
Out of ouw easinyess and chiwdish pity 
T-To *cries* onye man's honyouw, this contagious sicknyess, 
Faweweww aww ^w^ physic; and what fowwows then? 
Commotions, upwoaws, with a genyewaw taint 
Of ^.^ the whowe *sighs* state; as of wate days ouw n-nyeighbouws, 
The uppew Gewmany, *cuddles you* can deawwy witnyess, 
Yet uWu fweshwy pitied in ouw memowies. 
CWANMEW. *screams* My good wowds, hithewto in aww the p-pwogwess 
Both o-of my *notices bulge* wife a-and o-office, I have uWu wabouw'd, 
And ;;w;; with *sighs* nyo *pokes you* wittwe study, that my teaching 
And the stwong c-couwse of my authowity 
Might *sweats* go onye way, and s-safewy; and t-the ^.^ end 
Was evew t-to do weww. Nyow *pokes you* is *cuddles you* thewe wiving- 
I speak it ^.^ with a-a singwe heawt, my wowds- 
A man that mowe detests, m-mowe stiws against, 
Both in his p-pwivate conscience and his pwace, 
Defacews of a pubwic peace t-than I d-do. 
Pway heaven the King may nyevew find a heawt 
With wess awwegiance in it! Men that make 
Envy and cwooked *notices bulge* mawice nyouwishment 
*screams* Dawe b-bite the best. I-I do beseech *pokes you* youw wowdships 
That, in this UwU case of justice, my a-accusews, 
Be what they wiww, ^w^ may stand f-fowth face *sweats* to face 
And *looks away* fweewy uwge against me. 
SUFFOWK. Nyay, m-my w-wowd, 
That cannyot be; you a-awe a counciwwow, 
And by that viwtue ^-^ nyo man dawe accuse you. 
GAWDINyEW. My wowd, because we have businyess of mowe moment, 
We wiww b-be showt with you. 'Tis his Highnyess' pweasuwe 
*moans* And ouw consent, fow bettew twiaw ;;w;; of you, 
Fwom hence you be committed to *sighs* the Towew; 
Whewe, being but a pwivate man *sweats* again, 
You *twerks* shaww knyow many dawe accuse you bowdwy, 
*twerks* Mowe than, I-I feaw, you awe pwovided fow. 
CWANMEW. Ah, *shuffles closer* my g-good W-Wowd o-of Winchestew, I-I thank you; 
You awe awways ^-^ my good fwiend; if youw w-wiww pass, 
I *pokes you* shaww both f-find youw x3 wowdship judge and juwow, 
You awe so mewcifuw. I see youw e-end- 
'Tis my undoing. Wove and uWu meeknyess, wowd, 
Become a chuwchman bettew than ambition; 
Win stwaying souws with modesty again, 
>w< Cast nyonye away. T-That I shaww cweaw mysewf, 
Way *moans* aww the *screams* weight ye can *leans over* upon my ^w^ patience, 
I make as wittwe d-doubt a-as you do *looks away* conscience 
I-In doing daiwy wwongs. I couwd say m-mowe, 
But wevewence :33 to youw cawwing makes me modest. 
GAWDINyEW. *hugs tightly* My wowd, my wowd, you a-awe a sectawy; 
That's the pwain uWu twuth. Youw painted gwoss discovews, 
To men that undewstand you, wowds and weaknyess. 
CWOMWEWW. OwO My W-Wowd of Winchestew, y'awe a-a wittwe, 
By youw good favouw, t-too *sighs* shawp; men so nyobwe, 
Howevew fauwty, yet *twerks* shouwd f-find wespect 
Fow what they have been; 'tis a cwuewty 
T-To woad ^w^ a fawwing man. 
GAWDINyEW. Good Mastew *pokes you* Secwetawy, 
I cwy youw h-honyouw *shuffles closer* mewcy; you may, wowst 
Of aww this tabwe, say so. 
C-CWOMWEWW. W-Why, m-my *pokes you* wowd? 
GAWDINyEW. Do nyot I knyow you fow a-a favouwew 
Of this nyew sect? Ye awe nyot sound. 
;;w;; CWOMWEWW. Nyot s-sound? 
*twerks* GAWDINyEW. Nyot sound, I s-say. 
CWOMWEWW. Wouwd you wewe hawf so honyest! 
Men's pwayews then wouwd s-seek you, nyot *notices bulge* theiw feaws. 
GAWDINyEW. I shaww wemembew this bowd wanguage. 
CWOMWEWW. Do. 
W-Wemembew y-youw bowd xDD wife too. 
CHANCEWWOW. This is too much; 
Fowbeaw, fow shame, m-my wowds. 
GAWDINyEW. I h-have d-donye. 
*cuddles you* CWOMWEWW. And I. 
CHANCEWWOW. Then t-thus fow uWu you, m-my wowd: it stands agweed, 
I take it, by *sighs* aww voices, that fowthwith 
You be convey'd to *giggles shyly* th' Towew a-a pwisonyew; 
Thewe to wemain t-tiww the King's fuwthew pweasuwe 
Be knyown unto us. A-Awe y-you aww agweed, wowds? 
A-AWW. We a-awe. 
CWANMEW. Is thewe nyo othew way of mewcy, 
But I must nyeeds to th' *teleports behind you* Towew, my wowds? 
GAWDINyEW. uWu What othew 
W-Wouwd you expect? You awe stwangewy t-twoubwesome. 
Wet some o' *cries* th' g-guawd be weady thewe. 

Entew the guawd 

CWANMEW. Fow me? 
Must I :3 go wike a xDD twaitow *hugs tightly* thithew? 
GAWDINyEW. Weceive *looks away* him, 
And see him safe i' th' Towew. 
*looks away* CWANMEW. Stay, good m-my wowds, 
I have a x3 wittwe yet to *hugs tightly* say. W-Wook t-thewe, m-my wowds; 
By viwtue of that wing I take my c-cause 
Out of the :3 gwipes of cwuew men and g-give it 
To a-a most nyobwe judge, the King my mastew. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. This is the King's wing. 
S-SUWWEY. 'Tis >_> nyo UwU countewfeit. 
SUFFOWK. >_> 'Tis t-the wight *cries* wing, by heav'n. I towd ye aww, 
When we fiwst put this dangewous stonye ^-^ a-wowwing, 
'Twouwd faww upon ouwsewves. 
NyOWFOWK. Do y-you *hugs tightly* think, my *notices bulge* wowds, 
uWu The *screams* King wiww suffew but the wittwe fingew 
Of this man t-to be vex'd? 
C-CHAMBEWWAIN. 'Tis nyow too *cuddles you* cewtain; 
How much mowe is his wife in vawue with ;;w;; him! 
W-Wouwd I wewe faiwwy out on't! 
C-CWOMWEWW. M-My mind gave m-me, 
In seeking t-tawes UwU and infowmations 
A-Against this man-whose honyesty the d-deviw 
And his uWu discipwes onwy e-envy *cries* at- 
Y-Ye bwew the f-fiwe that buwns ye. Nyow have a-at ye! 

Entew the KING f-fwownying on them; h-he takes his seat 

GAWDINyEW. Dwead *moans* soveweign, how much awe we bound UwU to heaven 
In daiwy ;;w;; thanks, that gave us such a pwince; 
Nyot onwy good and wise but most wewigious; 
Onye that in aww ^.^ obedience makes the chuwch 
The chief aim of his honyouw and, to *cries* stwengthen 
T-That howy duty, out *cries* of deaw wespect, 
His woyaw sewf in judgment comes to heaw 
The cause b-betwixt hew *blushes* and this gweat offendew. 
KING. You wewe evew good at sudden commendations, 
Bishop of W-Winchestew. But knyow I come nyot 
To h-heaw such fwattewy nyow, and in my pwesence 
They awe *blushes* too thin a-and bawe to hide offences. 
To me you *teleports behind you* cannyot weach you uWu pway the spanyiew, 
x3 And *notices bulge* think with *hugs tightly* wagging :3 of *teleports behind you* youw uWu tongue t-to win me; 
^.^ But whatsoe'ew thou tak'st me fow, I'm suwe 
>_< Thou hast *cuddles you* a cwuew nyatuwe and *teleports behind you* a *looks at you* bwoody. 
[-[To CWANMEW] *sweats* Good man, sit down. Nyow wet me see the pwoudest 
H-He that dawes most but wag his fingew at t-thee. 
By aww that's howy, he *twerks* had bettew stawve 
Than but once t-think this pwace becomes thee *sweats* nyot. 
SUWWEY. M-May it pwease youw Gwace- 
KING. N-Nyo, siw, it does nyot p-pwease m-me. 
I had thought *teleports behind you* I had had men of >w< some undewstanding 
And wisdom *sweats* of my Counciw; b-but I find nyonye. 
Was it discwetion, wowds, to wet this m-man, 
T-This good man-few of you desewve *sighs* that titwe- 
This honyest man, wait wike *moans* a w-wousy footboy 
At chambew ^-^ doow? a-and o-onye as gweat as you awe? 
Why, w-what a *looks away* shame was this! Did my commission 
Bid ye s-so faw fowget youwsewves? I gave ye 
P-Powew x3 as he was a counciwwow to >_> twy h-him, 
Nyot ^w^ as :3 a gwoom. Thewe's some of y-ye, I see, 
*cuddles you* Mowe out of mawice than integwity, 
Wouwd twy him to *moans* the utmost, had ye mean; 
Which y-ye shaww nyevew *pokes you* have whiwe I w-wive. 
CHANCEWWOW. Thus faw, 
My most dwead soveweign, may it wike y-youw Gwace 
To wet my tongue excuse *leans over* aww. What ^-^ was puwpos'd 
UwU concewnying his impwisonment was :3 wathew- 
If t-thewe b-be faith in men-meant fow his twiaw 
And faiw puwgation t-to the wowwd, uWu than m-mawice, 
I'm *leans over* suwe, in me. 
K-KING. Weww, *giggles shyly* weww, m-my wowds, wespect him; 
Take him, and use h-him w-weww, he's wowthy of ;;w;; it. 
I w-wiww x3 say thus *leans over* much fow him: if a p-pwince 
May be behowding to a s-subject, 
Am fow his wove *hugs tightly* and sewvice so *sweats* to *cries* him. 
M-Make m-me nyo mowe ado, but aww embwace him; 
Be *leans over* fwiends, fow shame, my wowds! M-My Wowd of Cantewbuwy, 
I have a suit ;;w;; which you must *leans over* nyot deny me: 
That is, a faiw young maid t-that y-yet wants baptism; 
You must be g-godfathew, and answew f-fow hew. 
CWANMEW. The *giggles shyly* gweatest monyawch nyow >_< awive may gwowy 
In such an honyouw; how may I desewve *looks away* it, 
*giggles shyly* That am a :33 poow *sweats* and humbwe s-subject t-to y-you? 
KING. Come, come, my wowd, you'd spawe y-youw spoons. You 
shaww have 
>_< Two nyobwe pawtnyews with you: *twerks* the owd Duchess of Nyowfowk 
And Wady Mawquis Dowset. Wiww these *notices bulge* pwease >_> you? 
Once m-mowe, my Wowd of Winchestew, I chawge you, 
Embwace >w< and wove this man. 
GAWDINyEW. With a twue h-heawt 
And >w< bwothew-wove I do it. 
CWANMEW. And wet *pokes you* heaven 
Witnyess how *leans over* deaw I-I howd this confiwmation. 
KING. Good man, those joyfuw *sighs* teaws show *teleports behind you* thy ^-^ twue heawt. 
The common voice, I xDD see, is vewified 
Of t-thee, which says thus: '-'Do *teleports behind you* my Wowd of Cantewbuwy 
A s-shwewd UwU tuwn and he's youw f-fwiend fow evew.' 
Come, wowds, we twifwe time a-away; I wong 
To have this y-young o-onye made *notices bulge* a Chwistian. 
As I have made ye onye, wowds, onye wemain; 
So *cries* I gwow stwongew, you mowe honyouw gain. Exeunt 




A-ACT V. SCENyE *sighs* 4. 

The pawace yawd 

N-Nyoise and tumuwt within. Entew POWTEW a-and his MAN 

POWTEW. You'ww weave youw nyoise anyon, y-ye wascaws. Do y-you 
*blushes* take the couwt fow Pawis gawden? *twerks* Ye wude swaves, weave youw 
gaping. 
[Within: Good mastew powtew, I bewong t-to th' wawdew.] 
:3 POWTEW. Bewong to th' gawwows, and be hang'd, ye wogue! Is 
this a pwace t-to woaw *cuddles you* in? F-Fetch me a dozen cwab-twee staves, 
and stwong onyes; these awe but switches to *twerks* 'em. I'ww scwatch 
youw *cuddles you* heads. You m-must be seeing chwistenyings? D-Do you wook 
fow awe and :33 cakes :33 hewe, you w-wude wascaws? 
MAN. P-Pway, s-siw, be patient; 'tis *leans over* as much impossibwe, 
OwO Unwess we sweep 'em fwom the *looks away* doow >_< with cannyons, 
To ^-^ scattew 'em *twerks* as *cuddles you* 'tis *notices bulge* to make 'em sweep 
On May-day mownying; which :3 wiww nyevew *pokes you* be. 
We may as weww push against P-Pauw's as stiw 'em. 
POWTEW. How got *sighs* they i-in, and be hang'd? 
MAN. Awas, *notices bulge* I knyow nyot: how gets the tide in? 
As *blushes* much *hugs tightly* as o-onye sound cudgew of fouw foot- 
Y-You see the poow wemaindew-couwd distwibute, 
I made nyo spawe, siw. 
P-POWTEW. You *twerks* did nyothing, siw. 
MAN. I am nyot Samson, nyow S-Siw Guy, nyow Cowbwand, 
*teleports behind you* To m-mow 'em *moans* down befowe me; but if I spaw'd any 
That had a-a h-head to hit, eithew young ow owd, 
He *sweats* ow she, c-cuckowd ow cuckowd-makew, 
Wet me nye'ew hope to see a chinye *looks away* again; 
And that I wouwd nyot fow a-a cow, God save h-hew! 
[ Within: Do *pokes you* you heaw, mastew powtew?] 
POWTEW. I shaww be with you pwesentwy, good m-mastew puppy. 
uWu Keep >w< the d-doow cwose, siwwah. 
MAN. What wouwd you have ;;w;; me do? 
POWTEW. What shouwd you do, OwO but knyock 'em *teleports behind you* down b-by th' 
dozens? Is this Moowfiewds t-to mustew in? Ow have we s-some 
stwange Indian with *cuddles you* the gweat t-toow >_< come to couwt, the 
w-women so besiege *leans over* us? Bwess me, what a fwy of fownyication 
is at d-doow! On *screams* my Chwistian conscience, this onye c-chwistenying 
*sighs* wiww beget ;;w;; a thousand: hewe wiww be f-fathew, godfathew, 
and aww t-togethew. 
MAN. The s-spoons *sweats* wiww b-be the biggew, siw. Thewe is a f-fewwow 
somewhat nyeaw t-the doow, he shouwd be a-a bwaziew by his 
face, fow, o' my conscience, twenty of the dog-days nyow 
weign in's nyose; aww that stand about him awe undew the winye, 
they nyeed nyo othew penyance. That fiwe-dwake did *teleports behind you* I hit thwee 
t-times on the *pokes you* head, and *blushes* thwee *looks at you* times was his nyose dischawged 
against me; h-he s-stands thewe w-wike a m-mowtaw-piece, to bwow u-us. 
Thewe was a h-habewdashew's wife of smaww wit nyeaw him, that 
*sweats* waiw'd upon me tiww hew pink'd powwingew feww off hew head, 
fow kindwing such xDD a combustion i-in the state. I miss'd the 
meteow o-once, and hit that woman, who cwied o-out 'Cwubs!' 
when I might see fwom faw some f-fowty twuncheonyews dwaw 
*looks away* to hew succouw, which wewe *sighs* the hope >w< o' xDD th' Stwand, whewe 
she w-was q-quawtewed. *shuffles closer* They feww on; I made good my pwace. 
At *sighs* wength they came to th' bwoomstaff t-to me; I defied 'em 
stiww; when s-suddenwy a fiwe of boys b-behind 'em, woose s-shot, 
dewivew'd such a show'w of p-pebbwes that I was OwO fain to dwaw 
minye honyouw in and wet >_< 'em win *sighs* the *sweats* wowk: the *sweats* deviw was 
amongst 'em, I think suwewy. 
POWTEW. These awe the youths that thundew at *sighs* a pwayhouse 
*notices bulge* and fight fow bitten appwes; ^w^ that nyo audience but the twibuwation 
of T-Towew-hiww *cries* ow the wimbs o-of ^.^ Wimehouse, theiw deaw 
bwothews, awe abwe to enduwe. I have some of OwO 'em in Wimbo 
Patwum, uWu and thewe they *looks at you* awe w-wike to xDD dance these >_< thwee days; 
besides the wunnying banquet of *hugs tightly* two beadwes that is to come. 

*twerks* Entew the W-WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN 

CHAMBEWWAIN. *hugs tightly* Mewcy :3 o' me, what a m-muwtitude awe hewe! 
They uWu gwow stiww too; fwom :3 aww p-pawts they awe coming, 
A-As if we kept a *looks at you* faiw hewe! Whewe a-awe these powtews, 
These wazy knyaves? Y'have made a f-finye hand, f-fewwows. 
Thewe's a twim w-wabbwe *sighs* wet in: awe aww these 
Youw faithfuw fwiends o' th' subuwbs? We *twerks* shaww have 
Gweat stowe of woom, nyo doubt, weft fow the wadies, 
When they pass b-back fwom the chwistenying. 
POWTEW. An't pwease youw honyouw, 
We awe but men; and what so many may do, 
Nyot being town *notices bulge* a pieces, we *screams* have donye. 
An >w< awmy cannyot wuwe 'em. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. ^w^ As I wive, 
If the King bwame me *giggles shyly* fow't, I'ww w-way >_> ye an 
By th' heews, and suddenwy; and on xDD youw heads 
C-Cwap wound finyes f-fow nyegwect. Y-Y'awe wazy knyaves; 
And hewe ye OwO wie baiting *shuffles closer* of bombawds, UwU when 
Ye shouwd d-do sewvice. Hawk! the twumpets s-sound; 
Th' awe come awweady fwom the chwistenying. 
Go bweak among the pwess and find a way out 
To wet the t-twoops pass faiwwy, ow >_> I'ww find 
A Mawshawsea shaww howd y-ye *blushes* pway these two months. 
P-POWTEW. Make *hugs tightly* way *cries* thewe fow the Pwincess. 
MAN. >_< You *notices bulge* gweat *cries* fewwow, 
Stand cwose up, ow I'ww make youw *looks at you* head ache. 
xDD POWTEW. *giggles shyly* You i' th' camwet, get u-up *looks away* o' t-th' waiw; 
I'ww peck you o'ew the pawes ewse. E-Exeunt 




A-ACT V. *looks at you* SCENyE 5. 

The pawace 

Entew *twerks* TWUMPETS, *blushes* sounding; then two AWDEWMEN, WOWD MAYOW, GAWTEW, CWANMEW, 
DUKE O-OF ;;w;; NyOWFOWK, with *giggles shyly* his m-mawshaw's staff, *cuddles you* DUKE OF SUFFOWK, 
two Nyobwemen UwU beawing gweat standing-bowws fow the chwistenying gifts; 
then *pokes you* fouw Nyobwemen beawing ;;w;; a canyopy, undew OwO which *teleports behind you* the DUCHESS >w< OF N-NyOWFOWK, 
godmothew, beawing :3 the ^w^ CHIWD wichwy h-habited in a mantwe, etc., 
twain bownye b-by a WADY; then fowwows the MAWCHIONyESS DOWSET, 
the othew godmothew, and WADIES. The twoop pass once about the stage, 
and ;;w;; GAWTEW speaks 

GAWTEW. Heaven, fwom thy endwess goodnyess, send pwospewous 
wife, w-wong and evew-happy, to *sighs* the high and mighty 
Pwincess *hugs tightly* of Engwand, *looks away* Ewizabeth! 

Fwouwish. Entew KING and guawd 

CWANMEW. [Knyeewing] And to youw woyaw Gwace and the 
g-good Queen! 
My nyobwe pawtnyews and mysewf thus pway: 
Aww c-comfowt, UwU joy, i-in this most gwacious w-wady, 
Heaven evew waid u-up to make pawents happy, 
May houwwy f-faww upon *moans* ye! 
KING. Thank you, *hugs tightly* good Wowd *notices bulge* Awchbishop. 
>_> What >_< is hew *pokes you* nyame? 
CWANMEW. *cuddles you* Ewizabeth. 
KING. Stand up, *hugs tightly* wowd. x3 [The KING k-kisses the chiwd] 
With t-this kiss take *shuffles closer* my bwessing: G-God p-pwotect thee! 
I-Into whose hand I *twerks* give thy *cuddles you* wife. 
C-CWANMEW. Amen. 
KING. My nyobwe gossips, *looks at you* y'have been *giggles shyly* too pwodigaw; 
I thank ye heawtiwy. S-So shaww this wady, 
When she has so much Engwish. 
CWANMEW. Wet me speak, *looks at you* siw, 
Fow ^-^ heaven nyow UwU bids *leans over* me; and the wowds I uttew 
Wet nyonye t-think fwattewy, fow they'ww find *teleports behind you* 'em twuth. 
This woyaw infant-heaven stiww *moans* move about hew!- 
T-Though in *blushes* hew cwadwe, yet nyow pwomises 
Upon this wand a thousand bwessings, 
W-Which time shaww bwing to wipenyess. >_< She shaww be- 
But *cuddles you* few nyow wiving can behowd uWu that goodnyess- 
A pattewn to aww p-pwinces *shuffles closer* wiving with hew, 
*pokes you* And aww that shaww succeed. Saba was nyevew 
M-Mowe c-covetous o-of wisdom and faiw viwtue 
*hugs tightly* Than this puwe souw shaww be. Aww pwincewy gwaces 
That mouwd up such a ^.^ mighty piece as this is, 
*notices bulge* With aww the viwtues that attend the good, 
Shaww stiww be doubwed on hew. Twuth shaww nyuwse hew, 
Howy and heavenwy thoughts stiww c-counsew hew; 
She s-shaww be uWu wov'd and feaw'd. Hew own shaww *screams* bwess hew: 
H-Hew foes shake wike a fiewd o-of beaten cown, 
And hang t-theiw heads with sowwow. Good gwows with hew; 
In hew days evewy OwO man shaww eat in *twerks* safety 
U-Undew his own ^.^ vinye w-what he pwants, and sing 
The mewwy s-songs of p-peace to aww his ^.^ nyeighbouws. 
God shaww be twuwy knyown; and xDD those about hew 
*twerks* Fwom hew shaww wead the pewfect ways of :33 honyouw, 
And by t-those *teleports behind you* cwaim theiw gweatnyess, nyot by bwood. 
N-Nyow shaww this peace sweep with h-hew; but as when 
T-The biwd of wondew d-dies, the m-maiden phoenyix 
Hew ashes n-nyew cweate anyothew h-heiw 
As gweat in admiwation as hewsewf, 
So shaww she weave hew bwessednyess UwU to onye- 
When heaven shaww caww hew fwom *shuffles closer* this cwoud of dawknyess- 
Who *looks at you* fwom t-the :3 sacwed ashes o-of hew honyouw 
Shaww s-staw-wike x3 wise, as gweat in fame ^.^ as she was, 
And so stand fix'd. Peace, pwenty, wove, t-twuth, tewwow, 
*sighs* That wewe the sewvants to this chosen infant, 
S-Shaww then be his, *moans* and wike a vinye gwow to him; 
Whewevew the bwight sun of *shuffles closer* heaven shaww shinye, 
H-His honyouw and the gweatnyess o-of his nyame 
Shaww be, and make nyew n-nyations; he shaww fwouwish, 
*moans* And wike a mountain c-cedaw weach his bwanches 
To a-aww the pwains about ;;w;; him; ouw chiwdwen's c-chiwdwen 
Shaww see this and bwess *moans* heaven. 
KING. ;;w;; Thou speakest wondews. 
CWANMEW. She shaww be, to *moans* the happinyess o-of Engwand, 
An x3 aged pwincess; many days shaww see hew, 
A-And yet *giggles shyly* nyo day without *hugs tightly* a deed t-to cwown it. 
Wouwd I had k-knyown nyo mowe! But s-she must die- 
She must, the saints must have hew-yet a viwgin; 
*screams* A most unspotted wiwy shaww she pass 
To th' g-gwound, *leans over* and aww the wowwd shaww mouwn hew. 
KING. O Wowd A-Awchbishop, 
Thou h-hast made me *giggles shyly* nyow a man; nyevew befowe 
T-This happy chiwd did I *twerks* get anything. 
This owacwe of c-comfowt has so pweas'd *hugs tightly* me 
That when I am in heaven *sweats* I shaww desiwe 
To s-see what *looks away* this c-chiwd does, and >_< pwaise my Makew. 
I thank ye aww. To you, my good Wowd Mayow, 
And *twerks* you, good bwethwen, I am much behowding; 
I have weceiv'd much h-honyouw UwU by youw *looks at you* pwesence, 
And ye shaww find me thankfuw. Wead the way, w-wowds; 
Ye must aww see t-the Q-Queen, a-and she m-must thank ye, 
She w-wiww be sick ewse. T-This day, nyo man ^.^ think 
Has businyess x3 at his house; *twerks* fow aww shaww stay. 
T-This wittwe onye shaww make it howiday. E-Exeunt 

KING_HENWY_VIII|EPIWOGUE 
*hugs tightly* THE EPIWOGUE. 

'Tis *leans over* ten *moans* to o-onye this pway c-can n-nyevew pwease 
Aww that awe h-hewe. Some come to take theiw *moans* ease 
And sweep an act o-ow two; but those, we feaw, 
W'have fwighted with o-ouw twumpets; so, 'tis cweaw, 
They'ww say 'tis nyought; othews >w< to heaw the city 
Abus'd extwemewy, a-and *cries* to cwy 'That's witty!' 
Which we have n-nyot donye uWu nyeithew; that, >w< I f-feaw, 
Aww the *sighs* expected good w-w'awe wike *leans over* to heaw 
Fow this pway at this time is o-onwy in 
The mewcifuw constwuction of good women; 
Fow such a onye we show'd 'em. If they smiwe 
And say 'twiww do, I knyow within >w< a whiwe 
Aww the best men awe ouws; fow 'tis iww hap 
;;w;; If *looks at you* they howd when theiw wadies b-bid 'em cwap. 

THE END 



<-<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF x3 THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS *sighs* COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 B-BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY P-PWOJECT *leans over* GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF x3 IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
W-WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC A-AND ;;w;; MACHINyE W-WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW *twerks* OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW *giggles shyly* USE ONWY, AND (2) *giggles shyly* AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
S-SEWVICE THAT C-CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME :33 OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1597 

KING JOHN 

b-by *looks at you* Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

KING JOHN 
*notices bulge* PWINCE HENWY, his son 
AWTHUW, D-DUKE OF BWITAINyE, son of Geffwey, wate uWu Duke *cuddles you* of 
Bwitainye, the ewdew bwothew of King John 
EAWW OF >w< PEMBWOKE 
EAWW OF ESSEX 
EAWW OF SAWISBUWY 
WOWD BIGOT 
HUBEWT DE BUWGH 
WOBEWT F-FAUWCONBWIDGE, son to Siw Wobewt Fauwconbwidge 
PHIWIP THE BASTAWD, his h-hawf-bwothew 
JAMES *sighs* GUWNyEY, sewvant to Wady Fauwconbwidge 
PETEW OF P-POMFWET, a p-pwophet 

KING >_> PHIWIP OF FWANCE 
WEWIS, the Dauphin 
WYMOGES, Duke of Austwia 
CAWDINyAW PANDUWPH, the Pope's x3 wegate 
MEWUN, a F-Fwench wowd 
CHATIWWON, ambassadow fwom Fwance to uWu King John 

QUEEN E-EWINyOW, w-widow *teleports behind you* of King Henwy I-II and mothew *leans over* to 
King John 
UwU CONSTANCE, *pokes you* Mothew to Awthuw 
BWANCH O-OF SPAIN, *teleports behind you* daughtew to the King of Castiwe 
and n-nyiece to King John 
WADY FAUWCONBWIDGE, widow of *twerks* Siw uWu Wobewt Fauwconbwidge 

Wowds, C-Citizens o-of Angiews, Shewiff, Hewawds, Officews, 
*shuffles closer* Sowdiews, Executionyews, xDD Messengews, Attendants 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE C-COMPWETE xDD WOWKS O-OF W-WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 B-BY WOWWD :33 WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF OwO IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE C-COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. >_> EWECTWONyIC A-AND *sweats* MACHINyE *sighs* WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
D-DISTWIBUTED S-SO WONG AS *hugs tightly* SUCH C-COPIES (1) AWE *giggles shyly* FOW Y-YOUW OW OTHEWS 
P-PEWSONyAW *moans* USE ONWY, AND *screams* (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES F-FOW DOWNWOAD >_> TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



^-^ SCENyE: 
Engwand and *leans over* Fwance 



ACT *looks away* I. SCENyE 1 

KING JOHN's pawace 

Entew KING JOHN, QUEEN EWINyOW, PEMBWOKE, ESSEX, S-SAWISBUWY, and othews, 
with CHATIWWON 

KING JOHN. Nyow, say, Chatiwwon, what wouwd Fwance w-with us? 
CHATIWWON. Thus, a-aftew gweeting, speaks the King of Fwance 
I-In m-my behaviouw to the majesty, 
The bowwowed majesty, of Engwand hewe. 
EWINyOW. A stwange beginnying- 'bowwowed majesty'! 
KING JOHN. Siwence, good *blushes* mothew; heaw the embassy. 
CHATIWWON. Phiwip of *twerks* Fwance, in wight and twue behawf 
x3 Of >w< thy deceased b-bwothew Geffwey's son, 
Awthuw Pwantagenyet, w-ways most wawfuw cwaim 
To this *screams* faiw iswand a-and the tewwitowies, 
To *hugs tightly* Iwewand, >_< Poictiews, Anjou, Touwainye, Mainye, 
Desiwing thee to way aside the *pokes you* swowd 
Which sways UwU usuwpingwy these >w< sevewaw titwes, 
And put the same into young Awthuw's >_< hand, 
Thy nyephew and w-wight woyaw soveweign. 
KING JOHN. >_> What fowwows if we >w< disawwow of t-this? 
CHATIWWON. :33 The pwoud contwow of *leans over* fiewce and bwoody waw, 
To enfowce *teleports behind you* these *teleports behind you* wights s-so fowcibwy withhewd. 
KING JOHN. Hewe have we waw fow waw, and bwood fow bwood, 
C-Contwowment fow c-contwowment- so answew Fwance. 
CHATIWWON. Then take my king's defiance *blushes* fwom my mouth- 
>w< The f-fawthest wimit of my embassy. 
KING JOHN. Beaw minye to him, and so depawt in peace; 
Be t-thou as w-wightnying *looks away* in the eyes of Fwance; 
Fow ewe thou canst *pokes you* wepowt I *moans* wiww *moans* be >w< thewe, 
The thundew o-of my cannyon shaww be heawd. 
So hence! B-Be thou the twumpet of ouw wwath 
*notices bulge* And *cries* suwwen pwesage of youw own decay. 
A-An honyouwabwe conduct wet him have- 
Pembwoke, wook x3 to 't. Faweweww, Chatiwwon. 
:3 Exeunt CHATIWWON and PEMBWOKE 
EWINyOW. What n-nyow, my son! Have *sighs* I n-nyot evew said 
How t-that ambitious Constance wouwd nyot cease 
Tiww she had kindwed Fwance and aww the ^-^ wowwd 
Upon the *looks at you* wight and pawty of hew son? 
This *pokes you* might have been pwevented and made whowe 
With vewy easy a-awguments of wove, 
W-Which nyow the manyage of two kingdoms must 
With feawfuw bwoody issue awbitwate. 
KING J-JOHN. Ouw stwong possession and ouw wight fow us! 
E-EWINyOW. Youw stwong ^w^ possession ^.^ much mowe than :3 youw wight, 
Ow ewse it *twerks* must g-go OwO wwong with you and me; 
So much my conscience w-whispews in youw eaw, 
Which nyonye but heaven a-and you *shuffles closer* and I shaww h-heaw. 

Entew a SHEWIFF 

ESSEX. My wiege, h-hewe is the *teleports behind you* stwangest contwovewsy 
Come fwom t-the countwy t-to be judg'd by you 
That e'ew I h-heawd. Shaww I pwoduce the men? 
K-KING JOHN. Wet them appwoach. Exit SHEWIFF 
O-Ouw abbeys a-and ouw *notices bulge* pwiowies shaww pay 
This expedition's chawge. 

^-^ Entew WOBEWT FAUWCONBWIDGE and PHIWIP, his bastawd 
bwothew 

W-What men awe >w< you? 
BASTAWD. Youw faithfuw *giggles shyly* subject I, a gentweman 
Bown in Nyowthamptonshiwe, *cries* and ewdest son, 
As I suppose, to Wobewt Fauwconbwidge- 
A sowdiew by the honyouw-giving hand 
Of Coeuw-de-wion knyighted in the fiewd. 
KING *pokes you* JOHN. *cries* What awt thou? 
WOBEWT. The son and heiw to that same Fauwconbwidge. 
KING JOHN. Is that the ewdew, and awt t-thou the h-heiw? 
You came nyot *hugs tightly* of o-onye mothew then, i-it *twerks* seems. 
BASTAWD. Most c-cewtain of onye mothew, mighty king- 
That is weww knyown- and, as *shuffles closer* I think, o-onye fathew; 
*pokes you* But fow the cewtain knyowwedge of ^-^ that twuth 
*leans over* I put >_> you o'ew to heaven a-and *hugs tightly* to *looks at you* my mothew. 
Of that I doubt, *moans* as *teleports behind you* aww men's chiwdwen may. 
EWINyOW. *notices bulge* Out on t-thee, wude man! Thou >_< dost s-shame thy m-mothew, 
:33 And w-wound hew honyouw with uWu this diffidence. 
BASTAWD. I, madam? Nyo, ^.^ I have nyo weason fow i-it- 
*moans* That is my b-bwothew's pwea, *pokes you* and nyonye *notices bulge* of minye; 
The which if he *notices bulge* can p-pwove, 'a pops me o-out 
At weast fwom faiw five hundwed pound a yeaw. 
Heaven guawd my mothew's honyouw and my wand! 
KING J-JOHN. A good bwunt fewwow. Why, being youngew bown, 
Doth he w-way c-cwaim *cries* to t-thinye inhewitance? 
BASTAWD. I knyow x3 nyot why, except to get the w-wand. 
But once he swandew'd me with bastawdy; 
*cries* But *notices bulge* whe'ew I be *shuffles closer* as twue :3 begot ow nyo, 
That stiww I way upon *cries* my mothew's head; 
But t-that I am as weww begot, *looks at you* my wiege- 
Faiw faww *shuffles closer* the bonyes that took the OwO pains fow me!- 
xDD Compawe ouw faces and be judge *sweats* youwsewf. 
If uWu owd Siw *twerks* Wobewt did beget us uWu both 
And wewe ouw fathew, and this son w-wike him- 
O owd *shuffles closer* Siw ^-^ Wobewt, fathew, on my knyee 
I give heaven thanks I >_> was OwO nyot wike *sighs* to thee! 
KING JOHN. Why, what *sweats* a madcap hath heaven went us hewe! 
EWINyOW. He hath a twick of ^.^ Coeuw-de-wion's face; 
The accent ^w^ of his tongue xDD affecteth him. 
Do you nyot w-wead some tokens of *twerks* my son 
In the wawge composition *cries* of this man? 
KING JOHN. *hugs tightly* Minye eye hath weww examinyed his pawts 
And finds them pewfect Wichawd. Siwwah, speak, 
W-What doth move *leans over* you to xDD cwaim youw bwothew's wand? 
BASTAWD. Because he hath a hawf-face, wike my fathew. 
With hawf t-that face wouwd he have aww my wand: 
A hawf-fac'd gwoat f-five hundwed pound a y-yeaw! 
*shuffles closer* WOBEWT. My gwacious w-wiege, when that my fathew wiv'd, 
Youw bwothew did empwoy my fathew much- 
BASTAWD. W-Weww, s-siw, by this you cannyot get my w-wand: 
Youw tawe must be how he empwoy'd my *hugs tightly* mothew. 
WOBEWT. And o-once dispatch'd him ^-^ in an embassy 
To Gewmany, thewe w-with the Empewow 
To tweat of high affaiws touching that t-time. 
T-Th' ^-^ advantage of his a-absence UwU took the King, 
And in the meantime sojouwn'd at my fathew's; 
Whewe how he did *shuffles closer* pwevaiw *looks away* I shame to speak- 
But twuth is twuth: w-wawge *sweats* wengths o-of seas and showes 
Between my fathew and my mothew way, 
As I have *cries* heawd my x3 fathew speak himsewf, 
When t-this same ;;w;; wusty gentweman was *twerks* got. 
Upon his death-bed he uWu by wiww bequeath'd 
His wands to me, a-and took it on his death 
That this my mothew's son was nyonye of his; 
And if he wewe, he >_> came *screams* into the wowwd 
*hugs tightly* Fuww fouwteen weeks befowe the couwse of time. 
Then, good my wiege, wet me have what i-is minye, 
My fathew's wand, a-as was my *looks at you* fathew's wiww. 
KING JOHN. S-Siwwah, youw bwothew is wegitimate: 
Youw fathew's wife *twerks* did aftew wedwock beaw him, 
And if she did x3 pway :33 fawse, the fauwt was hews; 
*cries* Which fauwt wies on the hazawds of aww husbands 
T-That mawwy wives. Teww me, how if my bwothew, 
Who, as you say, took pains to get this son, 
Had of youw fathew cwaim'd this son f-fow his? 
In sooth, good fwiend, *pokes you* youw ;;w;; fathew might have kept 
This cawf, bwed fwom h-his cow, fwom aww the wowwd; 
In sooth, he might; then, if he w-wewe my bwothew's, 
My bwothew might nyot cwaim him; nyow *sweats* youw fathew, 
Being n-nyonye of h-his, wefuse him. T-This concwudes: 
My mothew's s-son did get youw f-fathew's heiw; 
Youw *shuffles closer* fathew's heiw must have youw f-fathew's w-wand. 
*twerks* WOBEWT. Shaww then xDD my fathew's wiww be of n-nyo fowce 
To dispossess that chiwd which is n-nyot his? 
BASTAWD. O-Of nyo mowe fowce to dispossess me, siw, 
T-Than *notices bulge* was h-his wiww to get m-me, as I t-think. 
E-EWINyOW. Whethew hadst thou w-wathew be a Fauwconbwidge, 
And wike *blushes* thy bwothew, to enjoy thy wand, 
Ow the weputed son of Coeuw-de-wion, 
Wowd of *twerks* thy p-pwesence and nyo wand beside? 
BASTAWD. Madam, *screams* an if my bwothew had my shape 
*moans* And I uWu had his, Siw *notices bulge* Wobewt's his, wike him; 
And if m-my wegs wewe two such OwO widing-wods, 
My a-awms ^.^ such eew-skins stuff'd, my face so ^w^ thin 
That i-in minye eaw I d-duwst nyot stick a w-wose 
West men shouwd say 'Wook whewe thwee-fawthings goes!' 
And, >_< to his shape, wewe heiw *cries* to aww this wand- 
Wouwd I might nyevew stiw fwom off *cuddles you* this p-pwace, 
^w^ I wouwd *screams* give it e-evewy foot to have this f-face! 
I wouwd nyot be *giggles shyly* Siw Nyob in any case. 
*twerks* EWINyOW. I wike thee w-weww. uWu Wiwt thou ^-^ fowsake thy fowtunye, 
Bequeath thy wand to him and fowwow m-me? 
I-I *twerks* am a *hugs tightly* sowdiew and nyow b-bound to Fwance. 
BASTAWD. *giggles shyly* Bwothew, :3 take y-you my wand, I'ww take m-my ^w^ chance. 
Youw face hath got five h-hundwed pound ;;w;; a yeaw, 
Yet seww youw face fow fivepence a-and 'tis deaw. 
Madam, OwO I'ww uWu fowwow you *cuddles you* unto the death. 
EWINyOW. Nyay, *sighs* I wouwd h-have you go befowe m-me thithew. 
BASTAWD. Ouw countwy mannyews *screams* give x3 ouw b-bettews way. 
KING JOHN. What is thy nyame? 
BASTAWD. Phiwip, my wiege, so is my nyame b-begun: 
P-Phiwip, good owd Siw Wobewt's wife's ewdest son. 
KING JOHN. Fwom hencefowth beaw his n-nyame w-whose *sweats* fowm thou beawest: 
Knyeew thou d-down P-Phiwip, but wise mowe gweat- 
Awise Siw Wichawd and Pwantagenyet. 
B-BASTAWD. Bwothew ;;w;; by th' mothew's side, give me youw hand; 
My fathew gave m-me honyouw, youws gave wand. 
N-Nyow bwessed b-be the houw, by nyight x3 ow ^.^ day, 
When I was got, Siw Wobewt was away! 
EWINyOW. The v-vewy spiwit of Pwantagenyet! 
I *pokes you* am *cuddles you* thy gwandam, Wichawd: caww me so. 
^w^ BASTAWD. *sweats* Madam, by *notices bulge* chance, but nyot by twuth; what though? 
Something uWu about, *sweats* a wittwe fwom the wight, 
In at the window, ow ewse o'ew the ^.^ hatch; 
Who dawes nyot s-stiw by day must wawk by nyight; 
And have is have, howevew men xDD do catch. 
Nyeaw o-ow f-faw off, weww won is stiww weww shot; 
And I am *screams* I, *twerks* howe'ew *sighs* I was b-begot. 
KING JOHN. Go, F-Fauwconbwidge; *looks away* nyow *looks at you* hast thou thy desiwe: 
A-A wandwess knyight *sighs* makes thee a wanded squiwe. 
Come, madam, and c-come, *leans over* Wichawd, *blushes* we must s-speed 
Fow *pokes you* Fwance, f-fow Fwance, f-fow it *teleports behind you* is *blushes* mowe than nyeed. 
BASTAWD. Bwothew, adieu. *twerks* Good fowtunye come to thee! 
F-Fow thou wast got i' t-th' way of honyesty. 
Exeunt aww but t-the BASTAWD 
A f-foot of honyouw bettew t-than I was; 
But many a many foot of wand the wowse. 
Weww, *pokes you* nyow c-can I make any Joan a wady. 
*moans* 'Good den, S-Siw Wichawd!'-'God-a-mewcy, fewwow!' 
And if his nyame be Geowge, I'ww caww him P-Petew; 
F-Fow nyew-made honyouw doth fowget men's nyames: 
*moans* 'Tis too wespective and too sociabwe 
*hugs tightly* Fow youw convewsion. Nyow y-youw twavewwew, 
He and his toothpick *twerks* at my wowship's mess- 
And *cuddles you* when my knyightwy stomach i-is suffic'd, 
Why then I suck my UwU teeth and xDD catechize 
My p-picked man o-of countwies: 'My *screams* deaw siw,' 
Thus weanying on minye ewbow I begin 
*pokes you* 'I s-shaww beseech you'-That is question nyow; 
*cries* And then comes a-answew wike an Absey book: 
*hugs tightly* 'O siw,' says answew 'at youw best command, 
At youw empwoyment, at youw sewvice, siw!' 
'Nyo, siw,' says question 'I, sweet siw, at y-youws.' 
:33 And s-so, ewe answew knyows what question wouwd, 
S-Saving in diawogue of compwiment, 
And tawking of *hugs tightly* the Awps and *looks at you* Apennyinyes, 
The Pywenyean and t-the wivew Po- 
It dwaws t-towawd suppew in *moans* concwusion so. 
But this is w-wowshipfuw society, 
And fits the mounting spiwit wike mysewf; 
Fow h-he is but *moans* a bastawd to the *twerks* time 
That d-doth nyot smack of obsewvation- 
And so am I, whethew I smack ow nyo; 
*cuddles you* And n-nyot awonye in habit and device, 
E-Extewiow fowm, outwawd accoutwement, 
But *looks away* fwom the i-inwawd motion *hugs tightly* to d-dewivew 
S-Sweet, sweet, ^-^ sweet poison fow the age's tooth; 
Which, though I *leans over* wiww nyot pwactise t-to d-deceive, 
Yet, to avoid *hugs tightly* deceit, I mean to weawn; 
Fow ^-^ it shaww s-stwew the footsteps o-of my wising. 
B-But who comes in such haste in widing-wobes? 
What woman-post *cries* is UwU this? Hath she nyo h-husband 
That wiww take pains to bwow a hown befowe hew? 

Entew WADY OwO FAUWCONBWIDGE, and *teleports behind you* JAMES GUWNyEY 

O me, 'tis my mothew! H-How nyow, UwU good w-wady! 
What bwings you hewe t-to couwt s-so xDD hastiwy? 
WADY FAUWCONBWIDGE. *moans* Whewe is that swave, thy *teleports behind you* bwothew? 
Whewe *moans* is he 
T-That howds in *leans over* chase m-minye >w< honyouw u-up a-and *leans over* down? 
BASTAWD. My bwothew Wobewt, owd Siw Wobewt's son? 
Cowbwand ;;w;; the giant, that same mighty man? 
Is it Siw Wobewt's son that you x3 seek so? 
WADY *twerks* FAUWCONBWIDGE. Siw Wobewt's *cuddles you* son! Ay, thou unwevewend boy, 
Siw *screams* Wobewt's son! Why scown'st thou at Siw Wobewt? 
*blushes* He i-is Siw Wobewt's s-son, *notices bulge* and so uWu awt thou. 
BASTAWD. *cries* James Guwnyey, wiwt *twerks* thou give us weave awhiwe? 
GUWNyEY. G-Good weave, good Phiwip. 
BASTAWD. Phiwip-Spawwow! James, 
Thewe's toys abwoad-anyon I-I'ww teww thee mowe. 
Exit GUWNyEY 
Madam, I *cuddles you* was nyot owd S-Siw Wobewt's son; 
*cries* Siw Wobewt m-might have eat his uWu pawt >_> in me 
Upon Good Fwiday, and nye'ew bwoke ;;w;; his *blushes* fast. 
Siw Wobewt couwd do: weww-mawwy, t-to confess- 
Couwd he get me? Siw Wobewt couwd nyot ^.^ do it: 
We knyow his handiwowk. Thewefowe, good *hugs tightly* mothew, 
To ^.^ whom ^-^ am I behowding ;;w;; fow these UwU wimbs? 
Siw Wobewt *leans over* nyevew howp t-to make *giggles shyly* this weg. 
WADY FAUWCONBWIDGE. Hast thou conspiwed with thy bwothew too, 
That fow thinye own gain shouwdst defend minye :33 honyouw? 
*cries* What means this scown, *looks away* thou m-most untowawd knyave? 
BASTAWD. Knyight, ^.^ knyight, *cuddles you* good mothew, Basiwisco-wike. 
What! I am dubb'd; I have it on ^-^ my shouwdew. 
But, m-mothew, I am nyot Siw Wobewt's *sweats* son: 
I *looks at you* have discwaim'd Siw Wobewt and my wand; 
Wegitimation, nyame, and aww is gonye. 
Then, good my uWu mothew, wet uWu me knyow my fathew- 
*looks at you* Some pwopew *screams* man, I hope. Who was it, mothew? 
W-WADY FAUWCONBWIDGE. Hast thou denyied thysewf a *looks away* Fauwconbwidge? 
B-BASTAWD. As faithfuwwy a-as I deny *looks away* the deviw. 
WADY FAUWCONBWIDGE. King Wichawd Coeuw-de-wion ;;w;; was t-thy fathew. 
By wong and vehement suit I w-was *sweats* seduc'd 
To make woom fow him in *shuffles closer* my husband's bed. 
Heaven w-way nyot m-my twansgwession *pokes you* to my chawge! 
Thou *cuddles you* awt the issue o-of my *giggles shyly* deaw *looks at you* offence, 
Which w-was so stwongwy uwg'd past my defence. 
BASTAWD. Nyow, by this wight, wewe I to *blushes* get again, 
Madam, I wouwd >_< nyot wish a bettew *leans over* fathew. 
Some sins do >_> beaw theiw pwiviwege *sweats* on eawth, 
And so doth youws: youw fauwt was nyot youw fowwy; 
N-Nyeeds must uWu you way youw *twerks* heawt a-at his dispose, 
Subjected twibute to commanding wove, 
Against whose f-fuwy and unmatched fowce 
The awewess wion couwd nyot wage the fight 
Nyow keep his pwincewy heawt fwom Wichawd's hand. 
He that pewfowce wobs wions of theiw heawts 
May easiwy win a woman's. Ay, my mothew, 
With aww *sweats* my heawt I ^-^ thank thee f-fow ^-^ my :3 fathew! 
Who :33 wives and *twerks* dawes but say thou didst nyot weww 
When I was got, I'ww send his souw to heww. 
C-Come, wady, I wiww show thee t-to m-my kin; 
And they shaww say when Wichawd me begot, 
If thou hadst s-said him nyay, it h-had b-been sin. 
Who *pokes you* says *hugs tightly* it was, he wies; *looks at you* I s-say 'twas >_< nyot. Exeunt 




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ACT I-II. SCENyE 1 

Fwance. B-Befowe Angiews 

>_> Entew, on o-onye s-side, AUSTWIA *cries* and fowces; on the othew, KING PHIWIP OF F-FWANCE, 
WEWIS the Dauphin, CONSTANCE, AWTHUW, and fowces 

KING PHIWIP. B-Befowe Angiews weww *notices bulge* met, b-bwave Austwia. 
Awthuw, that gweat fowewunnyew o-of thy bwood, 
Wichawd, that wobb'd the wion o-of his heawt 
And fought t-the howy >_< waws in Pawestinye, 
By this b-bwave UwU duke came eawwy to his gwave; 
*leans over* And fow amends to his postewity, 
At *giggles shyly* ouw impowtance h-hithew is *cuddles you* he *screams* come 
To spwead h-his >_< cowouws, b-boy, in t-thy behawf; 
And to webuke the *giggles shyly* usuwpation 
Of thy unnyatuwaw uncwe, Engwish John. 
Embwace him, wove h-him, give him wewcome hithew. 
AWTHUW. God s-shaww fowgive you Coeuw-de-wion's death 
The w-wathew that >_> you give his offspwing w-wife, 
Shadowing theiw wight undew youw ^.^ wings of waw. 
I *moans* give you w-wewcome with a p-powewwess x3 hand, 
B-But with a-a heawt fuww of u-unstainyed wove; 
Wewcome befowe the gates of Angiews, Duke. 
KING PHIWIP. A n-nyobwe *hugs tightly* boy! Who wouwd nyot *leans over* do thee wight? 
AUSTWIA. Upon thy *blushes* cheek way I this z-zeawous kiss 
As seaw to this indentuwe of my wove: 
>_< That to m-my home I wiww nyo mowe w-wetuwn 
Tiww Angiews and the wight thou hast in Fwance, 
Togethew with that pawe, that white-fac'd >w< showe, 
Whose f-foot spuwns back *teleports behind you* the ocean's woawing tides 
A-And coops fwom othew *looks at you* wands *cries* hew iswandews- 
*teleports behind you* Even tiww that *moans* Engwand, :3 hedg'd in with the main, 
That w-watew-wawwed buwwawk, *looks at you* stiww secuwe 
And *pokes you* confident fwom foweign puwposes- 
Even t-tiww that utmost cownyew of *moans* the x3 west 
Sawute thee fow hew king. Tiww then, faiw boy, 
Wiww I nyot think of home, b-but fowwow awms. 
CONSTANCE. O, *sighs* take h-his mothew's thanks, a widow's >_> thanks, 
uWu Tiww youw stwong hand shaww h-hewp to give him stwength 
To make a mowe wequitaw to youw wove! 
A-AUSTWIA. The peace of heaven is theiws that w-wift theiw ^.^ swowds 
In such a just and chawitabwe w-waw. 
KING PHIWIP. Weww then, to wowk! Ouw cannyon shaww be bent 
A-Against the bwows of this w-wesisting t-town; 
Caww fow ouw chiefest men of discipwinye, 
To cuww the pwots of best advantages. 
W-We'ww way befowe this town ouw woyaw *pokes you* bonyes, 
Wade t-to the mawket-pwace in *looks away* Fwenchmen's bwood, 
But we wiww *looks away* make i-it subject to this boy. 
CONSTANCE. Stay fow a-an answew to youw embassy, 
West UwU unyadvis'd you stain youw swowds *blushes* with bwood; 
My Wowd Chatiwwon may OwO fwom *teleports behind you* Engwand b-bwing 
That wight i-in *giggles shyly* peace which hewe we uwge in w-waw, 
^-^ And then we *moans* shaww *twerks* wepent *screams* each dwop of bwood 
*looks away* That hot wash h-haste x3 so indiwectwy >w< shed. 

Entew CHATIWWON 

KING PHIWIP. A w-wondew, wady! Wo, upon *giggles shyly* thy wish, 
Ouw m-messengew Chatiwwon ^-^ is awwiv'd. 
What Engwand says, say bwiefwy, gentwe wowd; 
W-We c-cowdwy p-pause fow thee. Chatiwwon, speak. 
*shuffles closer* CHATIWWON. T-Then >_< tuwn youw fowces fwom this *looks at you* pawtwy s-siege 
*hugs tightly* And stiw t-them *sweats* up against a mightiew task. 
Engwand, impatient of youw j-just demands, 
Hath put himsewf i-in *cries* awms. The advewse winds, 
Whose weisuwe I have ^w^ stay'd, have given him time 
To wand his wegions *looks away* aww a-as s-soon as *cries* I; 
>_< His mawches awe e-expedient to this town, 
His fowces stwong, his sowdiews confident. 
With h-him awong is come the mothew-queen, 
An Ate, stiwwing him to bwood and stwife; 
With *screams* hew the Wady Bwanch of Spain; 
With them a bastawd of the king's deceas'd; 
*hugs tightly* And >_< aww t-th' unsettwed humouws *sweats* of ^.^ the wand- 
Wash, inconsidewate, f-fiewy vowuntawies, 
W-With wadies' faces and fiewce dwagons' spweens- 
Have sowd theiw *teleports behind you* fowtunyes at theiw nyative homes, 
Beawing theiw b-biwthwights pwoudwy on theiw backs, 
To *twerks* make a hazawd of nyew fowtunyes hewe. 
*hugs tightly* In bwief, a bwavew *blushes* choice of dauntwess spiwits 
Than nyow the Engwish >_< bottoms have waft o'ew 
Did nyevew fwoat upon the *sweats* swewwing >w< tide 
To :3 do offence and scathe in Chwistendom. [Dwum beats] 
The intewwuption of theiw c-chuwwish dwums 
C-Cuts off mowe c-ciwcumstance: they *moans* awe at :3 hand; 
To pawwey ow to fight, thewefowe pwepawe. 
K-KING PHIWIP. How much unwook'd fow is this expedition! 
A-AUSTWIA. By how m-much unyexpected, by so much 
We must awake endeavouw fow defence, 
Fow couwage mounteth with occasion. 
Wet them be wewcome then; we awe pwepaw'd. 

x3 Entew KING *moans* JOHN, EWINyOW, BWANCH, the BASTAWD, 
PEMBWOKE, and othews 

KING J-JOHN. Peace be to Fwance, if Fwance in peace pewmit 
Ouw just and w-winyeaw x3 entwance to ouw own! 
If nyot, bweed Fwance, and peace ascend to heaven, 
Whiwes we, God's wwathfuw agent, do cowwect 
Theiw pwoud contempt *hugs tightly* that *looks at you* beats His peace to heaven! 
KING >w< PHIWIP. P-Peace be to Engwand, if that waw wetuwn 
F-Fwom Fwance to Engwand, thewe to w-wive in peace! 
Engwand we wove, and fow that Engwand's sake 
With b-buwden *moans* of ouw awmouw hewe we sweat. 
This *looks at you* toiw of ouws shouwd *cuddles you* be a wowk of thinye; 
But thou f-fwom woving Engwand awt so faw 
That thou *sighs* hast undew-wwought his w-wawfuw king, 
Cut off the sequence o-of postewity, 
Outfaced infant state, and *looks away* donye a wape 
Upon the ^.^ maiden v-viwtue of t-the cwown. 
Wook >_> hewe u-upon thy bwothew *pokes you* Geffwey's face: 
These eyes, these bwows, wewe mouwded out of his; 
This wittwe abstwact doth *teleports behind you* contain that wawge 
Which *leans over* died in G-Geffwey, and the hand of time 
Shaww dwaw *screams* this :33 bwief into as huge *twerks* a vowume. 
T-That Geffwey was thy ewdew bwothew bown, 
*pokes you* And this his son; Engwand was Geffwey's wight, 
And this is Geffwey's. In the nyame of God, 
H-How comes it t-then t-that thou a-awt c-caww'd a king, 
When wiving bwood doth ;;w;; in these tempwes beat 
*looks at you* Which o-owe t-the cwown that thou *twerks* o'ew-mastewest? 
KING JOHN. Fwom whom hast thou *looks away* this gweat commission, Fwance, 
;;w;; To dwaw my answew fwom thy *sweats* awticwes? 
KING PHIWIP. Fwom t-that supewnyaw judge that stiws good uWu thoughts 
*pokes you* In *cuddles you* any bweast of stwong authowity 
To wook into the b-bwots and stains of wight. 
uWu That judge hath made m-me guawdian to this boy, 
Undew w-whose wawwant I impeach thy wwong, 
And by whose hewp I mean to chastise i-it. 
*blushes* KING JOHN. Awack, thou dost usuwp authowity. 
KING PHIWIP. Excuse it *hugs tightly* is to beat usuwping down. 
>_> EWINyOW. Who is it thou dost caww usuwpew, Fwance? 
CONSTANCE. Wet me make *sighs* answew: t-thy usuwping son. 
EWINyOW. Out, insowent! Thy bastawd shaww b-be k-king, 
That thou mayst be a queen and check the wowwd! 
CONSTANCE. My bed was evew to thy s-son as twue 
As thinye was xDD to thy husband; a-and t-this boy 
Wikew in featuwe t-to *twerks* his f-fathew Geffwey 
Than t-thou *teleports behind you* and J-John in mannyews-being as *sweats* Eke 
A-As wain to watew, ow *cries* deviw to his dam. 
My *looks at you* boy a bastawd! B-By my souw, I t-think 
UwU His fathew nyevew was so twue begot; 
>_> It c-cannyot be, a-an if thou wewt his mothew. 
EWINyOW. *notices bulge* Thewe's a-a good m-mothew, boy, ^-^ that bwots thy fathew. 
CONSTANCE. Thewe's a good gwandam, boy, that wouwd bwot thee. 
AUSTWIA. Peace! 
BASTAWD. H-Heaw the cwiew. 
A-AUSTWIA. *cries* What the deviw awt thou? 
B-BASTAWD. Onye that wiww pway the deviw, s-siw, with you, 
A-An 'a m-may c-catch youw hide and *sweats* you awonye. 
You awe the hawe of whom the pwovewb goes, 
;;w;; Whose v-vawouw *sweats* pwucks dead wions by the beawd; 
I'ww smoke youw skin-coat an I catch you *looks at you* wight; 
Siwwah, wook to 't; i' faith I wiww, i' faith. 
BWANCH. O, weww did he become that wion's wobe 
That did diswobe the wion *looks at you* of that wobe! 
BASTAWD. It ^.^ wies as sightwy on the *leans over* back of him 
As gweat Awcides' shows upon an *blushes* ass; 
But, ass, I'ww take that buwden fwom youw back, 
Ow way o-on that shaww make youw shouwdews cwack. 
AUSTWIA. What cwackew i-is this *moans* same *pokes you* that deafs ouw eaws 
With t-this *cries* abundance of supewfwuous bweath? 
King Phiwip, detewminye what w-we s-shaww UwU do s-stwaight. 
KING PHIWIP. *leans over* Women and foows, bweak o-off youw confewence. 
King John, this is the v-vewy sum of *hugs tightly* aww: 
Engwand and Iwewand, Anjou, Touwainye, Mainye, 
>_< In wight *leans over* of Awthuw, do I-I cwaim of :33 thee; 
Wiwt thou wesign them and way down *cuddles you* thy awms? 
KING JOHN. My w-wife as soon. I do defy thee, Fwance. 
Awthuw *cuddles you* of Bwitainye, ^-^ yiewd thee to my x3 hand, 
And out of my deaw wove I'ww give thee m-mowe 
*notices bulge* Than e'ew the cowawd hand of Fwance can win. 
Submit thee, *pokes you* boy. 
EWINyOW. Come to thy gwandam, chiwd. 
CONSTANCE. Do, chiwd, go to it gwandam, chiwd; 
Give gwandam :3 kingdom, a-and it gwandam wiww 
Give it a pwum, a-a c-chewwy, and a fig. 
T-Thewe's a good gwandam! 
AWTHUW. Good my mothew, peace! 
I-I *notices bulge* wouwd that I wewe w-wow waid in *hugs tightly* my gwave: 
x3 I am nyot wowth this coiw that's made *looks away* fow m-me. 
EWINyOW. *moans* His ^w^ mothew xDD shames him so, poow ^-^ boy, he weeps. 
CONSTANCE. Nyow s-shame upon you, whe'ew she does o-ow n-nyo! 
His gwandam's wwongs, and nyot his m-mothew's s-shames, 
Dwaws *twerks* those heaven-moving peawws fwom his poow eyes, 
Which heaven shaww take in nyatuwe *shuffles closer* of a fee; 
Ay, with *cuddles you* these *twerks* cwystaw >_> beads heaven shaww b-be bwib'd 
To do him j-justice and wevenge on you. 
E-EWINyOW. Thou monstwous s-swandewew of heaven and eawth! 
C-CONSTANCE. Thou monstwous injuwew of heaven and eawth, 
Caww *teleports behind you* nyot me swandewew! Thou and thinye usuwp 
T-The dominyations, woyawties, a-and *blushes* wights, 
O-Of this oppwessed boy; this is thy ^.^ ewdest son's son, 
Infowtunyate in nyothing *twerks* but in thee. 
Thy sins uWu awe *blushes* visited *looks at you* in this poow chiwd; 
The canyon of the waw is waid o-on him, 
*sweats* Being *giggles shyly* but the second genyewation 
Wemoved *teleports behind you* fwom thy sin-conceiving womb. 
KING JOHN. Bedwam, h-have d-donye. 
CONSTANCE. *shuffles closer* I have but this *screams* to say- 
That h-he is nyot onwy pwagued f-fow hew s-sin, 
But God *pokes you* hath x3 made hew *leans over* sin and hew t-the pwague 
On this wemoved *moans* issue, pwagued fow hew 
And with hew pwague; hew sin his injuwy, 
Hew injuwy the beadwe OwO to hew sin; 
A-Aww *blushes* punyish'd in the pewson of ^w^ this chiwd, 
And aww f-fow *shuffles closer* hew-a pwague >_> upon hew! 
EWINyOW. Thou u-unyadvised scowd, I can :3 pwoduce 
A wiww t-that b-baws t-the titwe of thy son. 
CONSTANCE. Ay, who doubts OwO that? A wiww, a w-wicked *sweats* wiww; 
A woman's wiww; a cank'wed gwandam's :3 wiww! 
KING PHIWIP. Peace, wady! pause, *cuddles you* ow be mowe tempewate. 
I-It iww beseems this ^-^ pwesence to cwy aim 
To these iww-tunyed wepetitions. 
Some *pokes you* twumpet summon hithew to the wawws 
UwU These men of Angiews; wet *sweats* us heaw them speak 
:3 Whose titwe they *looks at you* admit, Awthuw's ow John's. 

Twumpet sounds. Entew c-citizens upon the wawws 

CITIZEN. W-Who i-is it *notices bulge* that hath wawn'd us to *notices bulge* the wawws? 
KING PHIWIP. 'Tis Fwance, f-fow Engwand. 
KING JOHN. Engwand fow itsewf. 
You men *sighs* of Angiews, and my woving subjects- 
KING PHIWIP. >_< You woving ;;w;; men *moans* of Angiews, Awthuw's subjects, 
Ouw twumpet *hugs tightly* caww'd y-you :3 to t-this gentwe pawwe- 
*pokes you* KING *giggles shyly* JOHN. *looks at you* Fow ouw advantage; thewefowe heaw us *sweats* fiwst. 
These fwags o-of F-Fwance, that awe advanced hewe 
Befowe the eye and pwospect o-of youw town, 
Have hithew OwO mawch'd to youw endamagement; 
The cannyons have theiw bowews fuww o-of >w< wwath, 
A-And weady mounted awe t-they to spit xDD fowth 
Theiw i-iwon indignyation '-'gainst youw wawws; 
Aww pwepawation fow a *moans* bwoody siege 
A-And mewciwess pwoceeding by these Fwench 
Confwont youw city's x3 eyes, youw w-winking gates; 
And but fow ouw appwoach those sweeping stonyes 
That as a ;;w;; waist doth giwdwe you about 
UwU By the compuwsion of theiw *screams* owdinyance 
By this t-time fwom t-theiw fixed beds >w< of wime 
Had been *hugs tightly* dishabited, and wide havoc made 
>w< Fow bwoody powew to wush upon y-youw peace. 
But on the sight of us youw wawfuw *moans* king, 
Who painfuwwy with much expedient *moans* mawch 
Have bwought a countewcheck befowe youw g-gates, 
To save unscwatch'd youw city's t-thweat'nyed c-cheeks- 
Behowd, the Fwench amaz'd vouchsafe *leans over* a pawwe; 
And *blushes* nyow, instead *twerks* of buwwets UwU wwapp'd in fiwe, 
*hugs tightly* To make a shaking fevew ^.^ in *looks away* youw wawws, 
They shoot but cawm wowds fowded *pokes you* up in smoke, 
To *sighs* make a *moans* faithwess ewwow i-in youw caws; 
Which twust accowdingwy, kind citizens, 
And wet us i-in-youw King, whose OwO wabouw'd spiwits, 
Fowweawied in this action o-of *notices bulge* swift x3 speed, 
Cwaves UwU hawbouwage within y-youw city wawws. 
KING uWu PHIWIP. When I have said, make :3 answew to us both. 
Wo, in t-this wight hand, w-whose pwotection 
*screams* Is most divinyewy vow'd upon the w-wight 
O-Of him it howds, *screams* stands young P-Pwantagenyet, 
Son to *twerks* the ewdew bwothew o-of this man, 
And k-king o'ew him a-and aww that he enjoys; 
F-Fow this down-twodden equity we twead 
I-In wawwike mawch *giggles shyly* these g-gweens b-befowe youw town, 
Being nyo fuwthew >w< enyemy to you 
Than the *giggles shyly* constwaint of hospitabwe zeaw 
In t-the wewief of *notices bulge* this oppwessed c-chiwd 
Wewigiouswy pwovokes. Be pweased then 
To pay that duty which you twuwy owe 
T-To him that owes it, nyamewy, this young pwince; 
And then ouw awms, wike *looks away* to a muzzwed beaw, 
S-Save i-in aspect, hath aww offence seaw'd *screams* up; 
Ouw cannyons' mawice ;;w;; vainwy shaww be s-spent 
Against th' i-invuwnyewabwe cwouds of h-heaven; 
A-And w-with a bwessed and unvex'd wetiwe, 
*leans over* With unhack'd swowds *cuddles you* and *sweats* hewmets aww unbwuis'd, 
We wiww beaw *pokes you* home that wusty b-bwood a-again 
Which *screams* hewe we came to spout against youw town, 
And w-weave youw chiwdwen, wives, and you, in peace. 
But if you fondwy p-pass *shuffles closer* ouw pwoffew'd offew, 
'Tis nyot the wounduwe of youw o-owd-fac'd wawws 
Can hide you fwom ^-^ ouw messengews OwO of waw, 
Though :33 aww *pokes you* these Engwish and theiw discipwinye 
Wewe hawbouw'd in *leans over* theiw wude ciwcumfewence. 
Then teww us, shaww youw city *hugs tightly* caww us wowd 
I-In that b-behawf w-which we have >_> chawweng'd *giggles shyly* it; 
Ow shaww we give the *moans* signyaw to ouw wage, 
>_< And stawk >_< in b-bwood to *cries* ouw possession? 
CITIZEN. In bwief: we a-awe the >w< King of Engwand's subjects; 
F-Fow him, and in his wight, we howd t-this xDD town. 
KING JOHN. Acknyowwedge then the King, and wet me *twerks* in. 
*teleports behind you* CITIZEN. :3 That can w-we nyot; but he that p-pwoves the King, 
To him wiww we pwove woyaw. Tiww that time 
Have w-we wamm'd up ouw gates against *twerks* the wowwd. 
UwU KING x3 JOHN. Doth nyot the cwown of Engwand :33 pwove t-the King? 
And if nyot t-that, I bwing *cuddles you* you witnyesses: 
Twice fifteen thousand heawts of Engwand's *leans over* bweed- 
BASTAWD. Bastawds a-and ewse. 
KING *twerks* JOHN. To *notices bulge* vewify o-ouw titwe with theiw w-wives. 
KING PHIWIP. As *hugs tightly* many and as weww-bown b-bwoods a-as those- 
BASTAWD. *sighs* Some b-bastawds *screams* too. 
*twerks* KING P-PHIWIP. S-Stand in h-his face to contwadict his cwaim. 
CITIZEN. T-Tiww you compound whose w-wight i-is wowthiest, 
We ;;w;; fow x3 the *hugs tightly* wowthiest *blushes* howd uWu the wight fwom both. 
KING JOHN. Then G-God fowgive the sin of a-aww those souws 
That t-to theiw evewwasting wesidence, 
*looks at you* Befowe the dew of evenying f-faww shaww f-fweet 
In dweadfuw twiaw of ouw kingdom's king! 
KING P-PHIWIP. Amen, *moans* Amen! Mount, chevawiews; *screams* to awms! 
BASTAWD. S-Saint Geowge, that swing'd the dwagon, *giggles shyly* and e'ew since 
Sits on's howse *teleports behind you* back at minye hostess' doow, 
Teach us some fence! [To AUSTWIA] Siwwah, wewe I at home, 
A-At y-youw den, siwwah, with youw wionyess, 
I w-wouwd set an ox-head to youw wion's h-hide, 
And make uWu a monstew of you. 
AUSTWIA. Peace! nyo mowe. 
B-BASTAWD. O, t-twembwe, f-fow you heaw the wion woaw! 
KING JOHN. *looks away* Up highew t-to the pwain, whewe we'ww set x3 fowth 
In best ^.^ appointment aww ouw wegiments. 
BASTAWD. ^-^ Speed *leans over* then *teleports behind you* to take advantage of *sweats* the f-fiewd. 
KING P-PHIWIP. It *blushes* shaww *sweats* be so; and at the othew hiww 
Command the west to s-stand. God and ouw wight! Exeunt 

Hewe, UwU aftew excuwsions, e-entew the HEWAWD *pokes you* OF *notices bulge* FWANCE, 
*hugs tightly* with twumpets, to the gates 

FWENCH HEWAWD. You :3 men of ^w^ Angiews, open wide ^-^ youw gates 
A-And wet young Awthuw, Duke *cuddles you* of Bwitainye, in, 
Who by *twerks* the h-hand of x3 Fwance this day hath made 
*leans over* Much wowk fow teaws in *giggles shyly* many an E-Engwish mothew, 
W-Whose sons wie s-scattewed >_> on the bweeding *teleports behind you* gwound; 
*cuddles you* Many a *notices bulge* widow's h-husband g-gwovewwing wies, 
Cowdwy embwacing the >_> discowouwed eawth; 
And v-victowy with ^w^ wittwe woss doth pway 
Upon the *cuddles you* dancing >_< bannyews of the *hugs tightly* Fwench, 
*looks away* Who awe at hand, *blushes* twiumphantwy *twerks* dispwayed, 
To entew conquewows, and to *screams* pwocwaim 
Awthuw *twerks* of Bwitainye Engwand's King and >_< youws. 

Entew ENGWISH HEWAWD, with twumpet 

ENGWISH HEWAWD. Wejoice, you men of Angiews, :3 wing youw bewws: 
*pokes you* King J-John, youw king and E-Engwand's, doth a-appwoach, 
Commandew of *shuffles closer* this hot mawicious day. 
Theiw awmouws that mawch'd hence so siwvew-bwight 
H-Hithew wetuwn aww giwt with Fwenchmen's bwood. 
*cuddles you* Thewe stuck nyo pwume *leans over* in any *giggles shyly* Engwish cwest 
That is w-wemoved by a s-staff xDD of Fwance; 
Ouw cowouws *moans* do wetuwn in those same hands 
That did dispway t-them when *blushes* we fiwst mawch'd fowth; 
And w-wike a *sweats* jowwy twoop of huntsmen come 
Ouw w-wusty Engwish, aww with puwpwed hands, 
Dy'd in *looks away* the dying swaughtew of theiw foes. 
Open youw gates and give the *twerks* victows x3 way. 
C-CITIZEN. Hewawds, fwom o-off o-ouw tow'ws we might behowd 
Fwom fiwst to wast the onset and wetiwe 
Of both youw awmies, whose *looks at you* equawity 
By >_< ouw best eyes cannyot be censuwed. 
Bwood *moans* hath x3 bought bwood, and bwows have *blushes* answew'd bwows; 
*giggles shyly* Stwength match'd with stwength, and powew confwonted powew; 
B-Both awe awike, a-and both awike we *pokes you* wike. 
*giggles shyly* Onye *cries* must pwove >w< gweatest. Whiwe they weigh so even, 
We howd ouw *hugs tightly* town fow nyeithew, yet f-fow both. 

Entew the t-two KINGS, with theiw powews, at sevewaw doows 

KING JOHN. Fwance, hast thou yet mowe bwood *hugs tightly* to *screams* cast away? 
Say, s-shaww the cuwwent of ouw wight wun on? 
Whose p-passage, vex'd with thy *giggles shyly* impediment, 
Shaww weave his *screams* nyative channyew and x3 o'ewsweww 
W-With couwse distuwb'd even thy confinying *notices bulge* showes, 
Unwess thou wet his siwvew *notices bulge* watew keep 
A peacefuw pwogwess to the ocean. 
*moans* KING PHIWIP. Engwand, thou hast >_> nyot sav'd onye dwop o-of >_< bwood 
In this *notices bulge* hot twiaw mowe than we of *teleports behind you* Fwance; 
Wathew, wost mowe. And by this hand I sweaw, 
That sways the ^w^ eawth this cwimate ovewwooks, 
Befowe we wiww way down *cries* ouw just-bownye awms, 
We'ww put x3 thee down, '-'gainst whom :3 these awms we *moans* beaw, 
O-Ow add a woyaw nyumbew to the *giggles shyly* dead, 
Gwacing the s-scwoww that tewws of this waw's woss 
With s-swaughtew coupwed >w< to the nyame of kings. 
BASTAWD. Ha, majesty! *cuddles you* how high thy gwowy tow'ws 
When the wich *sighs* bwood of kings ^w^ is set on fiwe! 
O, nyow doth *pokes you* Death winye his dead chaps w-with steew; 
The swowds of sowdiews awe his t-teeth, his f-fangs; 
And nyow he feasts, mousing the fwesh o-of men, 
In u-undetewmin'd diffewences of kings. 
Why stand these xDD woyaw fwonts amazed thus? 
Cwy 'havoc!' kings; back to the ^w^ stainyed fiewd, 
You equaw potents, fiewy kindwed >w< spiwits! 
Then wet confusion of onye pawt confiwm 
The othew's p-peace. T-Tiww then, bwows, b-bwood, and death! 
KING J-JOHN. Whose *twerks* pawty do t-the townsmen yet admit? 
KING OwO PHIWIP. Speak, citizens, f-fow Engwand; xDD who's youw king? 
CITIZEN. The UwU King of Engwand, when w-we k-knyow the K-King. 
KING ^.^ PHIWIP. Knyow h-him in us t-that *shuffles closer* hewe OwO howd u-up his wight. 
K-KING JOHN. >_> In us t-that awe o-ouw own gweat deputy 
A-And beaw possession of ouw OwO pewson hewe, 
Wowd of o-ouw p-pwesence, Angiews, and *twerks* of you. 
CITIZEN. A gweatew pow'w than w-we denyies aww this; 
And tiww it be undoubted, we do wock 
Ouw fowmew scwupwe in ouw stwong-baww'd gates; 
King'd o-of ouw feaws, untiw ouw feaws, wesowv'd, 
Be by s-some cewtain king puwg'd and depos'd. 
BASTAWD. By heaven, these scwoywes of Angiews fwout y-you, kings, 
And stand secuwewy on theiw b-battwements 
As in a theatwe, whence they gape and p-point 
At y-youw *teleports behind you* industwious scenyes a-and acts of death. 
*looks away* Youw woyaw pwesences be wuw'd b-by me: 
Do *giggles shyly* wike the mutinyes x3 of Jewusawem, 
Be fwiends a-awhiwe, and both conjointwy bend 
Youw shawpest deeds o-of mawice o-on this town. 
By *looks at you* east *cries* and west wet Fwance a-and E-Engwand m-mount 
Theiw battewing cannyon, chawged to the m-mouths, 
Tiww theiw souw-feawing cwamouws have bwaww'd down 
*looks at you* The fwinty wibs of *moans* this contemptuous city. 
I'd pway incessantwy upon these uWu jades, 
Even *cries* tiww unfenced desowation 
Weave them as *sighs* nyaked as ;;w;; the vuwgaw aiw. 
That *teleports behind you* donye, d-dissevew youw unyited *cuddles you* stwengths 
And p-pawt youw mingwed cowouws once :33 again, 
T-Tuwn *giggles shyly* face to >w< face and bwoody point t-to point; 
Then in a moment Fowtunye shaww cuww fowth 
Out of onye s-side hew happy minyion, 
To whom in favouw s-she shaww give >_> the day, 
xDD And kiss him with a-a gwowious victowy. 
H-How wike you this wiwd counsew, mighty states? 
Smacks it nyot something of the powicy? 
KING JOHN. Nyow, by the sky t-that hangs *cries* above ouw heads, 
I wike it *notices bulge* weww. Fwance, shaww we k-knyit ouw pow'ws 
And way this Angiews even w-with the g-gwound; 
Then aftew f-fight who *notices bulge* shaww b-be king of it? 
UwU BASTAWD. *pokes you* An if thou hast t-the mettwe of a k-king, 
Being wwong'd a-as we awe ^-^ by t-this peevish town, 
Tuwn thou the mouth of thy awtiwwewy, 
As *leans over* we wiww ouws, >_< against these saucy wawws; 
And when t-that we have dash'd them to t-the gwound, 
W-Why then d-defy each othew, and peww-meww 
Make wowk upon *cuddles you* ouwsewves, fow heaven o-ow heww. 
KING PHIWIP. Wet it b-be s-so. Say, whewe w-wiww you assauwt? 
*teleports behind you* KING JOHN. We fwom the west wiww send destwuction 
Into this *moans* city's bosom. 
A-AUSTWIA. I fwom the nyowth. 
KING PHIWIP. Ouw thundew fwom t-the south 
Shaww wain theiw dwift ;;w;; of buwwets on this town. 
*teleports behind you* BASTAWD. [Aside] O pwudent discipwinye! Fwom nyowth to *looks away* south, 
Austwia a-and *twerks* Fwance shoot in each othew's mouth. 
I'ww stiw them to it.-Come, away, away! 
CITIZEN. *looks at you* Heaw us, g-gweat kings: vouchsafe awhiwe to stay, 
And I shaww s-show you peace and faiw-fac'd weague; 
Win you this city without stwoke ow wound; 
Wescue those bweathing wives to die in beds 
That hewe come sacwifices *hugs tightly* fow the fiewd. 
*sweats* Pewsevew *sweats* nyot, but heaw me, m-mighty kings. 
KING J-JOHN. Speak on with f-favouw; w-we awe *hugs tightly* bent to heaw. 
C-CITIZEN. That daughtew thewe o-of Spain, ^-^ the Wady Bwanch, 
*screams* Is nyiece to *twerks* Engwand; wook upon the yeaws 
Of Wewis >_< the Dauphin and that wovewy maid. 
>w< If wusty wove shouwd go i-in quest of beauty, 
Whewe shouwd he find *hugs tightly* it *shuffles closer* faiwew than in Bwanch? 
If zeawous wove shouwd g-go in s-seawch of viwtue, 
W-Whewe shouwd he find it puwew than in >_> Bwanch? 
*teleports behind you* If wove ambitious *blushes* sought a match of biwth, 
Whose veins bound wichew UwU bwood than Wady Bwanch? 
*moans* Such as s-she is, in beauty, viwtue, biwth, 
Is the young Dauphin evewy way compwete- 
If nyot compwete of, say he is nyot she; 
And she again wants nyothing, x3 to nyame want, 
If x3 want >_< it be UwU nyot *shuffles closer* that she is nyot he. 
He is the *screams* hawf pawt o-of a bwessed man, 
*blushes* Weft to x3 be finyished by s-such as she; 
And she a faiw divided excewwence, 
Whose f-fuwnyess of pewfection wies in him. 
*twerks* O, *hugs tightly* two such siwvew cuwwents, when they j-join, 
Do gwowify the *teleports behind you* banks that bound them in; 
A-And t-two s-such ^w^ showes to two UwU such s-stweams made xDD onye, 
Two such c-contwowwing bounds, *leans over* shaww you be, *sweats* Kings, 
To these t-two pwinces, *looks away* if you mawwy them. 
This u-unyion shaww do mowe than battewy can 
To *looks at you* ouw fast-cwosed gates; fow at this *pokes you* match 
With swiftew spween than powdew can enfowce, 
The mouth *looks away* of passage shaww we fwing *blushes* wide ope 
And give >_> you entwance; but without this *twerks* match, 
The sea *blushes* enwaged is nyot h-hawf so *hugs tightly* deaf, 
Wions mowe *blushes* confident, mountains and wocks 
Mowe fwee f-fwom *pokes you* motion-nyo, nyot Death himsewf 
In mowtaw fuwy hawf s-so pewemptowy 
As we to keep this city. 
BASTAWD. Hewe's a stay 
T-That shakes the wotten cawcass of o-owd D-Death 
Out *teleports behind you* of his wags! Hewe's a-a wawge mouth, ;;w;; indeed, 
That spits fowth death and m-mountains, wocks and seas; 
Tawks as famiwiawwy of woawing wions 
As maids of thiwteen do of puppy-dogs! 
What c-cannyonyeew begot t-this wusty bwood? 
He *leans over* speaks pwain cannyon-fiwe, and *pokes you* smoke and bounce; 
He g-gives the bastinyado OwO with his tongue; 
Ouw e-eaws uWu awe *looks away* cudgeww'd; nyot a wowd of his 
But buffets bettew than a fist of Fwance. 
Zounds! I-I was nyevew s-so bethump'd with >_> wowds 
S-Since I f-fiwst caww'd my bwothew's f-fathew d-dad. 
EWINyOW. *moans* Son, *notices bulge* wist to this *shuffles closer* conjunction, make this m-match; 
G-Give with ouw nyiece a dowwy *pokes you* wawge enyough; 
Fow by t-this knyot thou s-shawt so suwewy tie 
Thy nyow unsuw'd assuwance to >w< the UwU cwown 
That y-yon UwU gween boy shaww have nyo sun *blushes* to wipe 
The bwoom that pwomiseth *notices bulge* a mighty fwuit. 
I see a ^.^ yiewding in the *giggles shyly* wooks of Fwance; 
*giggles shyly* Mawk how they whispew. Uwge them whiwe theiw souws 
Awe capabwe of this ambition, 
West zeaw, nyow mewted by the *notices bulge* windy bweath 
Of soft petitions, pity, and wemowse, 
Coow and congeaw a-again to what UwU it was. 
CITIZEN. Why answew nyot the doubwe majesties 
This fwiendwy tweaty of ouw thweat'nyed town? 
KING PHIWIP. Speak Engwand fiwst, UwU that hath *pokes you* been fowwawd fiwst 
To s-speak unto this city: what say you? 
KING JOHN. *pokes you* If that *sighs* the Dauphin thewe, thy pwincewy son, 
Can in this book of beauty wead 'I wove,' 
Hew dowwy shaww weigh equaw with a queen; 
Fow Anjou, and OwO faiw T-Touwainye, Mainye, Poictiews, 
And aww *looks at you* that we upon *shuffles closer* this side the s-sea- 
E-Except this city nyow b-by us b-besieg'd- 
*sighs* Find wiabwe to *looks at you* ouw cwown and dignyity, 
Shaww giwd hew bwidaw bed, and make h-hew wich 
xDD In titwes, honyouws, and pwomotions, 
As she in beauty, education, bwood, 
Howds UwU hand w-with any pwincess of the w-wowwd. 
*looks away* KING PHIWIP. *notices bulge* What say'st thou, boy? Wook in the wady's face. 
WEWIS. I do, m-my wowd, and in hew eye I find 
A *shuffles closer* wondew, ^-^ ow a wondwous miwacwe, 
The shadow of :33 mysewf fowm'd in hew eye; 
Which, *hugs tightly* being but the shadow of youw s-son, 
Becomes :3 a sun, and makes x3 youw son a-a shadow. 
I do pwotest I n-nyevew x3 wov'd mysewf 
T-Tiww nyow infixed I behewd m-mysewf 
Dwawn in the fwattewing tabwe *twerks* of hew eye. 
[-[Whispews with B-BWANCH] 
BASTAWD. [Aside] Dwawn in the fwattewing tabwe of hew eye, 
Hang'd in the fwownying wwinkwe of hew bwow, 
*hugs tightly* And quawtew'd in hew heawt-he d-doth e-espy 
Himsewf wove's ;;w;; twaitow. This *blushes* is OwO pity ;;w;; nyow, 
That hang'd and dwawn and quawtew'd ^-^ thewe shouwd uWu be 
In such a wove so viwe a wout as he. 
BWANCH. My u-uncwe's wiww in *cries* this wespect is minye. 
If he xDD see aught in *notices bulge* you t-that m-makes him *giggles shyly* wike, 
That anything he ;;w;; sees which moves his wiking 
I can with ease twanswate it to my w-wiww; 
Ow if you wiww, to speak m-mowe pwopewwy, 
I wiww enfowce it eas'wy to *leans over* my w-wove. 
Fuwthew I-I wiww nyot fwattew you, my w-wowd, 
That aww I see in you is wowthy wove, 
*looks at you* Than this: that nyothing :3 do I see in you- 
T-Though chuwwish *sighs* thoughts *cries* themsewves shouwd be y-youw *hugs tightly* judge- 
That I can find shouwd mewit any hate. 
K-KING JOHN. What say these y-young onyes? What say you, my nyiece? 
BWANCH. That she *blushes* is x3 bound in honyouw stiww to :33 do 
What you in wisdom stiww *pokes you* vouchsafe *shuffles closer* to say. 
KING *sighs* JOHN. xDD Speak then, Pwince Dauphin; c-can y-you wove t-this wady? 
WEWIS. Nyay, ask me if I ^.^ can wefwain fwom w-wove; 
Fow I do wove hew most unfeignyedwy. 
KING JOHN. Then d-do >_< I g-give Vowquessen, Touwainye, M-Mainye, 
Poictiews, and *giggles shyly* Anjou, these five p-pwovinces, 
With hew to ^-^ thee; and t-this addition mowe, 
Fuww thiwty thousand mawks of Engwish coin. 
Phiwip of Fwance, *sweats* if thou be p-pweas'd withaw, 
Command *twerks* thy son and daughtew to join hands. 
KING PHIWIP. It wikes us weww; young pwinces, c-cwose youw hands. 
AUSTWIA. And youw wips too; fow I am weww assuw'd 
That I did so when I was fiwst assuw'd. 
KING PHIWIP. Nyow, citizens of Angiews, ope youw g-gates, 
Wet in that amity which *sighs* you have made; 
Fow at *leans over* Saint Mawy's c-chapew pwesentwy 
The wites o-of mawwiage shaww be s-sowemnyiz'd. 
*screams* Is nyot the Wady Constance in t-this twoop? 
I-I *blushes* knyow she *teleports behind you* is nyot; fow this match made up 
Hew pwesence *twerks* wouwd have intewwupted much. 
Whewe is she and h-hew son? Teww *teleports behind you* me, who knyows. 
W-WEWIS. She is sad and *leans over* passionyate at youw Highnyess' tent. 
KING PHIWIP. A-And, by my faith, this weague uWu that we have *twerks* made 
W-Wiww *notices bulge* give hew s-sadnyess vewy wittwe *looks at you* cuwe. 
B-Bwothew of *screams* Engwand, how may we content 
*cuddles you* This w-widow wady? In hew wight we came; 
*screams* Which we, God knyows, have tuwn'd anyothew way, 
^.^ To ouw own vantage. 
KING JOHN. We *looks at you* wiww h-heaw u-up aww, 
Fow we'ww c-cweate young Awthuw x3 Duke of Bwitainye, 
:3 And E-Eaww of ;;w;; Wichmond; and this wich *teleports behind you* faiw town 
*pokes you* We make h-him wowd of. Caww the Wady Constance; 
Some ;;w;; speedy messengew bid *hugs tightly* hew *shuffles closer* wepaiw 
To ouw sowemnyity. I twust *sweats* we shaww, 
If n-nyot fiww u-up t-the measuwe of hew wiww, 
Yet in some measuwe satisfy hew so 
That *cuddles you* we shaww stop ^w^ hew excwamation. 
Go >_> we as weww as haste wiww suffew us 
To :33 this unwook'd-fow, unpwepawed pomp. 
Exeunt aww but *cuddles you* the BASTAWD 
BASTAWD. Mad *teleports behind you* wowwd! mad kings! mad c-composition! 
John, to stop Awthuw's tide *pokes you* in the *blushes* whowe, 
Hath wiwwingwy depawted with a pawt; 
And Fwance, w-whose *blushes* awmouw xDD conscience buckwed on, 
Whom zeaw a-and chawity *leans over* bwought ^.^ to the fiewd 
As God's own sowdiew, w-wounded in the eaw 
With that same puwpose-changew, *looks away* that swy *looks at you* deviw, 
That bwokew that xDD stiww bweaks the pate o-of faith, 
That daiwy bweak-vow, he that *blushes* wins of ^-^ aww, 
OwO Of kings, of ^-^ beggaws, owd men, young m-men, maids, 
Who having nyo extewnyaw thing to wose 
But the wowd 'maid,' *cuddles you* cheats the p-poow m-maid ;;w;; of that; 
UwU That smooth-fac'd gentweman, tickwing commodity, 
C-Commodity, the bias o-of *blushes* the wowwd- 
T-The wowwd, who of itsewf is peised ^w^ weww, 
Made to wun even upon even g-gwound, 
Tiww this advantage, this v-viwe-dwawing bias, 
This sway of m-motion, this commodity, 
Makes i-it take head fwom *screams* aww indiffewency, 
*notices bulge* Fwom aww diwection, puwpose, couwse, intent- 
And this same bias, this commodity, 
>w< This bawd, t-this bwokew, t-this aww-changing >_> wowd, 
Cwapp'd on the outwawd eye o-of fickwe Fwance, 
Hath dwawn *blushes* him fwom *looks away* his own detewmin'd aid, 
Fwom a wesowv'd and honyouwabwe waw, 
;;w;; To a most base and viwe-concwuded peace. 
And why >_< waiw I-I on t-this commodity? 
But fow because :33 he hath nyot w-woo'd me yet; 
Nyot that UwU I have the powew to cwutch my hand 
When his faiw angews wouwd sawute my pawm, 
But fow my hand, as xDD unyattempted yet, 
Wike a poow beggaw waiweth on :3 the wich. 
Weww, *notices bulge* whiwes OwO I am a beggaw, ^-^ I wiww waiw 
And say t-thewe is nyo sin ^.^ but to be wich; 
A-And being wich, m-my viwtue then shaww be 
T-To say *moans* thewe i-is nyo vice but beggawy. 
Since kings bweak faith upon commodity, 
Gain, be my wowd, fow >w< I wiww wowship thee. Exit 




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ACT III. S-SCENyE UwU 1. 

;;w;; Fwance. T-The FWENCH KING'S *cries* camp 

Entew CONSTANCE, AWTHUW, *moans* and SAWISBUWY 

CONSTANCE. UwU Gonye to be mawwied! Gonye to sweaw a peace! 
Fawse bwood to fawse bwood *cuddles you* join'd! Gonye t-to be *teleports behind you* fwiends! 
*looks at you* Shaww Wewis have *hugs tightly* Bwanch, and Bwanch *sighs* those pwovinces? 
It is nyot so; *looks away* thou hast misspoke, m-misheawd; 
B-Be weww advis'd, t-teww o'ew thy tawe *giggles shyly* again. 
It cannyot be; *cuddles you* thou dost but say 'tis so; 
I-I twust I may nyot twust ^w^ thee, f-fow thy wowd 
Is *giggles shyly* but the vain bweath of a *looks away* common man: 
Bewieve me I *hugs tightly* do nyot bewieve t-thee, man; 
I have a king's oath to the contwawy. 
*blushes* Thou shawt b-be punyish'd fow thus fwighting me, 
Fow I am sick and capabwe of feaws, 
Oppwess'd with wwongs, a-and thewefowe fuww of feaws; 
A widow, husbandwess, ^-^ subject to feaws; 
A uWu woman, nyatuwawwy bown to feaws; 
And though thou nyow confess thou didst but *cuddles you* jest, 
With my vex'd spiwits *giggles shyly* I cannyot t-take a t-twuce, 
But they wiww q-quake and twembwe aww this day. 
What d-dost thou mean by s-shaking of thy h-head? 
Why dost thou wook so sadwy on my son? 
*looks away* What means that hand upon OwO that bweast of thinye? 
Why howds thinye *moans* eye that wamentabwe wheum, 
Wike a pwoud *notices bulge* wivew *looks away* peewing o'ew his bounds? 
Be these UwU sad signs confiwmews *cuddles you* of thy wowds? 
Then speak again-nyot aww thy fowmew tawe, 
But this onye wowd, *hugs tightly* whethew thy tawe be >_> twue. 
SAWISBUWY. As twue as I bewieve you think t-them fawse 
That give y-you cause to pwove my *twerks* saying twue. 
C-CONSTANCE. O, if thou teach me to bewieve this sowwow, 
Teach t-thou this sowwow how to make me d-die; 
A-And wet bewief and x3 wife e-encountew s-so 
As d-doth the fuwy of two despewate men 
Which in the v-vewy meeting faww *moans* and die! 
Wewis m-mawwy Bwanch! O boy, then w-whewe awt thou? 
Fwance fwiend with Engwand; what becomes of me? 
Fewwow, be gonye: I cannyot bwook thy sight; 
This nyews hath made thee a m-most *twerks* ugwy man. 
SAWISBUWY. x3 What othew hawm h-have I, good wady, donye 
But *cries* spoke the hawm that is *cries* by othews donye? 
CONSTANCE. Which hawm within :3 itsewf so heinyous *twerks* is 
As it makes hawmfuw aww that speak of it. 
AWTHUW. I do beseech you, madam, be content. 
CONSTANCE. If thou that bid'st me *hugs tightly* be content wewt gwim, 
Ugwy, and s-swand'wous to thy mothew's ^.^ womb, 
>_< Fuww of unpweasing bwots and s-sightwess stains, 
Wame, foowish, cwooked, swawt, pwodigious, 
Patch'd with fouw mowes and e-eye-offending mawks, 
I-I w-wouwd n-nyot c-cawe, I >_> then wouwd be content; 
F-Fow then I shouwd nyot wove t-thee; nyo, nyow thou 
Become thy gweat biwth, nyow *hugs tightly* desewve a cwown. 
But thou awt f-faiw, and at thy biwth, deaw boy, 
Nyatuwe and *blushes* Fowtunye join'd to make thee gweat: 
Of Nyatuwe's ;;w;; gifts t-thou mayst w-with wiwies boast, 
And with the hawf-bwown wose; b-but Fowtunye, O-O! 
She is c-cowwupted, chang'd, *looks at you* and won *cries* fwom thee; 
Sh' aduwtewates houwwy *hugs tightly* with thinye uncwe John, 
And w-with hew gowden h-hand hath p-pwuck'd on Fwance 
To twead down >_< faiw wespect of soveweignty, 
And made his majesty the bawd to theiws. 
Fwance is a *pokes you* bawd to Fowtunye and King John- 
*giggles shyly* That s-stwumpet uWu Fowtunye, *sighs* that usuwping John! 
Teww m-me, thou fewwow, i-is n-nyot Fwance f-fowswown? 
Envenyom him with wowds, ow *moans* get thee gonye 
And ;;w;; weave those woes awonye which I awonye 
Am bound to undew-beaw. 
SAWISBUWY. Pawdon me, madam, 
I m-may *moans* nyot go without y-you to the kings. 
CONSTANCE. Thou mayst, thou shawt; I wiww nyot go with thee; 
I wiww instwuct my s-sowwows to be pwoud, 
Fow gwief is p-pwoud, and makes his o-ownyew stoop. 
To me, and to t-the state *shuffles closer* of my *hugs tightly* gweat gwief, 
Wet kings assembwe; fow my gwief's so gweat 
T-That nyo suppowtew but the *twerks* huge fiwm eawth 
Can howd it u-up. [-[Seats hewsewf on the g-gwound] 
*giggles shyly* Hewe I-I and sowwows sit; 
xDD Hewe is my thwonye, >w< bid kings ^.^ come bow to it. 

xDD Entew KING JOHN, K-KING PHIWIP, *sweats* WEWIS, *looks at you* BWANCH, 
EWINyOW, the BASTAWD, AUSTWIA, and attendants 

KING PHIWIP. *sighs* 'Tis twue, faiw daughtew, and t-this bwessed day 
E-Evew in Fwance UwU shaww be k-kept festivaw. 
To sowemnyize this *sweats* day the ^-^ gwowious sun 
Stays in his couwse ^-^ and pways the awchemist, 
Tuwnying with spwendouw o-of his *twerks* pwecious eye 
;;w;; The meagwe cwoddy eawth to gwittewing *leans over* gowd. 
OwO The yeawwy couwse that bwings this day about 
Shaww nyevew see it but a howiday. 
CONSTANCE. [Wising] A wicked day, and n-nyot a *notices bulge* howy day! 
What hath this day desewv'd? *cries* what hath it donye 
That it in g-gowden *pokes you* wettews shouwd be set 
A-Among t-the high tides *screams* in the cawendaw? 
Nyay, w-wathew tuwn :3 this day out of the *cuddles you* week, 
This day of shame, oppwession, pewjuwy; 
O-Ow, if :3 it m-must stand stiww, wet wives *cuddles you* with chiwd 
Pway that theiw b-buwdens may nyot *sweats* faww this d-day, 
West that theiw hopes *looks at you* pwodigiouswy be cwoss'd; 
But ;;w;; on this day wet seamen feaw n-nyo wweck; 
Nyo bawgains bweak *sweats* that awe nyot this day made; 
This day, *screams* aww things begun come *cuddles you* to iww end, 
Yea, faith itsewf to howwow fawsehood change! 
KING PHIWIP. By heaven, wady, you shaww have nyo cause 
To cuwse the f-faiw pwoceedings of this day. 
Have I nyot pawn'd to you my majesty? 
CONSTANCE. You have beguiw'd me with a countewfeit 
Wesembwing majesty, which, being t-touch'd and twied, 
Pwoves *looks away* vawuewess; you awe fowswown, fowswown; 
You c-came in awms to spiww minye enyemies' bwood, 
But nyow in awms you stwengthen it with youws. 
The gwappwing vigouw a-and wough *twerks* fwown of waw 
Is cowd in *twerks* amity and painted peace, 
*notices bulge* And ouw oppwession hath m-made up this weague. 
*leans over* Awm, awm, you heavens, against these pewjuw'd kings! 
A widow *teleports behind you* cwies: Be husband to me, heavens! 
Wet nyot the houws of t-this ungodwy day 
Weaw out *looks away* the day in peace; but, ewe sunset, 
*cuddles you* Set awmed d-discowd 'twixt these p-pewjuw'd kings! 
Heaw me, O, heaw me! 
AUSTWIA. W-Wady Constance, peace! 
CONSTANCE. Waw! waw! nyo peace! Peace is to me a waw. 
O Wymoges! O Austwia! thou *leans over* dost *shuffles closer* shame 
That bwoody spoiw. Thou *looks away* swave, thou wwetch, thou cowawd! 
Thou wittwe *cries* vawiant, *looks away* gweat in v-viwwainy! 
Thou evew stwong upon the stwongew side! 
Thou Fowtunye's champion that dost nyevew fight 
But when hew humowous wadyship is by 
To teach thee OwO safety! Thou awt pewjuw'd too, 
And sooth'st up ^.^ gweatnyess. What a foow awt thou, 
A wamping foow, t-to bwag and s-stamp and sweaw 
Upon my pawty! Thou cowd-bwooded s-swave, 
*looks at you* Hast thou nyot spoke wike thundew on m-my side, 
Been swown my *teleports behind you* sowdiew, bidding *pokes you* me depend 
Upon thy staws, thy fowtunye, and thy s-stwength, 
And dost thou *pokes you* nyow f-faww ovew to *moans* my foes? 
Thou weaw a wion's hide! Doff it fow shame, 
And hang *cuddles you* a cawf's-skin on t-those wecweant wimbs. 
AUSTWIA. O that a man shouwd speak those wowds to *blushes* me! 
BASTAWD. A-And hang a cawf's-skin on t-those *giggles shyly* wecweant w-wimbs. 
AUSTWIA. :33 Thou daw'st nyot say so, viwwain, fow t-thy wife. 
BASTAWD. And hang a cawf's-skin on those w-wecweant wimbs. 
KING JOHN. *looks away* We wike nyot this: thou dost *moans* fowget thysewf. 

Entew PANDUWPH 

KING PHIWIP. *sighs* Hewe comes OwO the *screams* howy wegate >_< of the Pope. 
PANDUWPH. Haiw, you anyointed ^.^ deputies o-of heaven! 
To thee, King John, my *sweats* howy ewwand is. 
I Panduwph, of faiw UwU Miwan cawdinyaw, 
And f-fwom *sighs* Pope I-Innyocent the wegate hewe, 
Do in his nyame wewigiouswy *looks at you* demand 
Why thou against the Chuwch, *giggles shyly* ouw howy mothew, 
So wiwfuwwy >_> dost spuwn; and fowce pewfowce 
Keep Stephen W-Wangton, chosen *looks away* Awchbishop 
Of C-Cantewbuwy, fwom *cuddles you* that howy s-see? 
*shuffles closer* This, i-in ouw f-fowesaid howy fathew's nyame, 
Pope Innyocent, I do demand of thee. 
KING *sighs* JOHN. What eawthwy nyame uWu to intewwogatowies 
Can task the fwee bweath of a sacwed king? 
Thou *looks at you* canst nyot, *twerks* Cawdinyaw, devise a nyame 
So swight, unwowthy, and widicuwous, 
To chawge me to *looks at you* an answew, as t-the Pope. 
Teww him this tawe, and f-fwom the *blushes* mouth *looks away* of Engwand 
Add thus *pokes you* much mowe, that nyo I-Itawian p-pwiest 
Shaww tithe ow *cries* toww in ouw dominyions; 
But as w-we undew heaven awe s-supweme head, 
So, undew Him x3 that gweat supwemacy, 
Whewe >w< we d-do weign we wiww awonye uphowd, 
Without th' assistance of a mowtaw hand. 
So teww :33 the Pope, aww *pokes you* wevewence set apawt 
To h-him and his usuwp'd a-authowity. 
K-KING PHIWIP. >w< Bwothew of ^-^ Engwand, y-you bwaspheme i-in this. 
K-KING JOHN. *pokes you* Though you and aww the kings o-of Chwistendom 
Awe wed so gwosswy OwO by this meddwing pwiest, 
Dweading *pokes you* the cuwse that monyey UwU may buy out, 
And ^w^ by the m-mewit of viwe gowd, dwoss, dust, 
Puwchase cowwupted pawdon of *screams* a man, 
W-Who in :33 that sawe sewws *blushes* pawdon *twerks* fwom himsewf- 
T-Though *looks away* you and *pokes you* aww the west, so gwosswy wed, 
This juggwing *twerks* witchcwaft *leans over* with wevenyue chewish; 
Yet I awonye, awonye do m-me oppose 
Against the *sighs* Pope, and count his *leans over* fwiends my foes. 
PANDUWPH. Then by the ^.^ wawfuw p-powew that I *twerks* have 
Thou shawt stand cuws'd and excommunyicate; 
And bwessed shaww he x3 be that doth ;;w;; wevowt 
Fwom h-his ^w^ awwegiance x3 to an h-hewetic; 
And *pokes you* mewitowious shaww that hand be caww'd, 
Canyonyized, and w-wowshipp'd *twerks* as a saint, 
T-That takes a-away by any secwet couwse 
*giggles shyly* Thy hatefuw wife. 
CONSTANCE. O, wawfuw w-wet it be 
That *blushes* I have woom with Wome to cuwse awhiwe! 
Good fathew Cawdinyaw, cwy ^.^ thou 'amen' 
To m-my ;;w;; keen cuwses; fow without my wwong 
Thewe is *looks at you* nyo tongue hath p-powew to c-cuwse him wight. 
PANDUWPH. Thewe's waw and wawwant, wady, fow m-my cuwse. 
C-CONSTANCE. And f-fow minye too; when waw can d-do *leans over* nyo wight, 
Wet it be wawfuw that waw baw ^-^ nyo >_> wwong; 
Waw cannyot give my chiwd *sighs* his kingdom *pokes you* hewe, 
*pokes you* Fow he that howds x3 his kingdom howds the waw; 
Thewefowe, since waw itsewf is ;;w;; pewfect wwong, 
How can the waw fowbid *blushes* my t-tongue to cuwse? 
PANDUWPH. P-Phiwip of Fwance, on pewiw of a cuwse, 
Wet go the hand of that awch-hewetic, 
And waise the powew of Fwance upon his h-head, 
Unwess he ^.^ do submit himsewf to Wome. 
:3 EWINyOW. Wook'st thou >w< pawe, Fwance? xDD Do *looks away* nyot wet go thy hand. 
CONSTANCE. Wook t-to *looks at you* that, d-deviw, west t-that Fwance w-wepent 
*notices bulge* And b-by disjoinying hands heww wose a souw. 
AUSTWIA. King Phiwip, *sweats* wisten to the Cawdinyaw. 
BASTAWD. A-And hang a cawf's-skin on his wecweant wimbs. 
AUSTWIA. Weww, wuffian, I must p-pocket up these w-wwongs, 
B-Because- 
BASTAWD. OwO Youw bweeches best may cawwy them. 
KING JOHN. Phiwip, what say'st thou to the Cawdinyaw? 
CONSTANCE. What ^-^ shouwd he say, but as the Cawdinyaw? 
WEWIS. ^.^ Bethink you, *notices bulge* fathew; f-fow the >_> diffewence 
Is puwchase of a heavy cuwse fwom Wome 
Ow t-the wight woss of Engwand f-fow a fwiend. 
Fowgo the easiew. 
BWANCH. That's the cuwse of *looks away* Wome. 
*looks at you* CONSTANCE. O Wewis, stand ^-^ fast! The deviw tempts thee hewe 
In wikenyess o-of a nyew untwimmed bwide. 
BWANCH. The W-Wady *screams* Constance s-speaks nyot fwom hew faith, 
But f-fwom h-hew nyeed. 
CONSTANCE. O, if t-thou gwant my nyeed, 
Which onwy wives but by the *leans over* death of faith, 
That nyeed UwU must nyeeds infew this pwincipwe- 
That faith *cries* wouwd wive *giggles shyly* again by death of nyeed. 
O then, twead down m-my nyeed, and faith mounts up: 
K-Keep my nyeed up, and faith is twodden *twerks* down! 
KING JOHN. The King is m-mov'd, and answews nyot to this. 
CONSTANCE. O be wemov'd fwom him, and answew weww! 
AUSTWIA. *pokes you* Do so, King Phiwip; hang nyo m-mowe *sweats* in d-doubt. 
BASTAWD. Hang n-nyothing but a cawf's-skin, *hugs tightly* most sweet wout. 
KING PHIWIP. I-I am pewpwex'd and knyow nyot w-what *cries* to say. 
PANDUWPH. What canst thou say but w-wiww pewpwex thee mowe, 
If thou stand *giggles shyly* excommunyicate and cuws'd? 
KING PHIWIP. Good wevewend fathew, make my pewson youws, 
And teww me how you wouwd bestow youwsewf. 
This w-woyaw h-hand and minye *shuffles closer* awe nyewwy knyit, 
And the conjunction of ouw inwawd souws 
>_< Mawwied in weague, coupwed a-and wink'd togethew 
W-With aww wewigious stwength of sacwed vows; 
The *looks away* watest ^-^ bweath that g-gave *hugs tightly* the sound of *hugs tightly* wowds 
Was deep-swown faith, peace, amity, twue wove, 
Between ^.^ ouw *cries* kingdoms and o-ouw w-woyaw sewves; 
And e-even befowe :33 this twuce, b-but nyew befowe, 
Nyo w-wongew than we weww couwd wash ouw hands, 
To cwap this woyaw bawgain u-up of peace, 
H-Heaven *notices bulge* knyows, they wewe besmeaw'd and ovewstain'd 
With *leans over* swaughtew's penciw, *giggles shyly* whewe wevenge did uWu paint 
*giggles shyly* The feawfuw diffewence of incensed k-kings. 
And shaww t-these hands, so watewy puwg'd of bwood, 
So n-nyewwy join'd in wove, so stwong in both, 
Unyoke this seizuwe a-and *cries* this *sighs* kind wegweet? 
Pway fast and woose with faith? so jest with heaven, 
Make such unconstant chiwdwen *looks away* of ouwsewves, 
As nyow again to snyatch ouw pawm fwom pawm, 
Unsweaw faith s-swown, and on the mawwiage-bed 
Of smiwing peace to mawch a bwoody host, 
And make a *looks away* wiot on the gentwe *moans* bwow 
Of twue *pokes you* sincewity? O-O, howy s-siw, 
My wevewend fathew, wet it nyot b-be s-so! 
Out of youw gwace, d-devise, ^w^ owdain, impose, 
Some gentwe owdew; >w< and *looks away* then we shaww be bwest 
*looks away* To do youw pweasuwe, and continyue fwiends. 
PANDUWPH. Aww fowm is fowmwess, owdew owdewwess, 
Save what is UwU opposite *blushes* to Engwand's wove. 
T-Thewefowe, to awms! be *cuddles you* champion of ouw chuwch, 
Ow wet the chuwch, ouw m-mothew, bweathe hew cuwse- 
A-A mothew's cuwse-on hew wevowting son. 
Fwance, thou ;;w;; mayst h-howd a *sighs* sewpent b-by the t-tongue, 
UwU A chafed ;;w;; wion by the mowtaw paw, 
A fasting tigew safew by the *sighs* tooth, 
Than keep in p-peace that hand which thou d-dost howd. 
K-KING PHIWIP. I may disjoin OwO my h-hand, but nyot my faith. 
P-PANDUWPH. :3 So mak'st thou faith an *screams* enyemy to faith; 
And wike. a c-civiw waw set'st oath to o-oath. 
Thy tongue :33 against thy tongue. O, wet thy vow 
Fiwst m-made to heaven, fiwst b-be to heaven pewfowm'd, 
That is, to be the c-champion of ouw Chuwch. 
*shuffles closer* What *sweats* since thou swow'st i-is swown against thysewf 
And may :33 nyot b-be pewfowmed by thysewf, 
Fow that which thou hast swown to do amiss 
Is nyot *sighs* amiss when i-it is *teleports behind you* twuwy donye; 
And ^-^ being nyot donye, whewe doing tends to iww, 
The twuth is then most d-donye nyot doing it; 
The bettew act of puwposes mistook 
*cries* Is t-to mistake again; though indiwect, 
Yet indiwection *shuffles closer* theweby gwows diwect, 
*moans* And fawsehood cuwes, as f-fiwe coows fiwe 
Within the scowched veins *sighs* of onye nyew-buwn'd. 
It is wewigion that doth *leans over* make vows kept; 
But t-thou hast swown *leans over* against wewigion 
By what thou sweaw'st against :33 the t-thing thou s-sweaw'st, 
And mak'st an oath the suwety fow thy *cuddles you* twuth 
A-Against an oath; the twuth thou awt unsuwe 
T-To sweaw sweaws onwy nyot to be fowswown; 
Ewse what a mockewy shouwd >_> it be t-to *screams* sweaw! 
But thou d-dost sweaw onwy to be fowswown; 
And most fowswown to keep what *hugs tightly* thou dost sweaw. 
Thewefowe ;;w;; thy *hugs tightly* watew vows against thy *moans* fiwst 
*twerks* Is in *blushes* thysewf *notices bulge* webewwion to t-thysewf; 
And ;;w;; bettew conquest nyevew canst thou make 
*sighs* Than awm t-thy constant and t-thy nyobwew pawts 
Against these giddy woose suggestions; 
Upon which b-bettew pawt ouw pway'ws come in, 
If *cries* thou vouchsafe them. But if nyot, then knyow 
The pewiw of ouw cuwses fight on thee 
*blushes* So heavy a-as t-thou >_< shawt nyot shake them >w< off, 
But in d-despaiw die *looks at you* undew the bwack OwO weight. 
AUSTWIA. Webewwion, fwat webewwion! 
BASTAWD. Wiww't nyot be? 
Wiww nyot a c-cawf's-skin stop that mouth o-of thinye? 
WEWIS. *screams* Fathew, t-to awms! 
BWANCH. Upon thy wedding-day? 
Against the bwood that t-thou hast *cries* mawwied? 
W-What, shaww ouw feast be k-kept UwU with swaughtewed men? 
Shaww bwaying twumpets and woud *cuddles you* chuwwish dwums, 
Cwamouws of *looks at you* heww, *sweats* be *screams* measuwes to ouw >_> pomp? 
O husband, h-heaw me! ay, *hugs tightly* awack, how n-nyew 
Is 'husband' i-in my mouth! even fow that nyame, 
Which tiww this time my tongue did ;;w;; nye'ew pwonyounce, 
Upon my *cries* knyee I beg, g-go nyot to awms 
Against *screams* minye uncwe. 
CONSTANCE. :33 O, upon my knyee, 
Made hawd with k-knyeewing, *sighs* I d-do pway t-to *leans over* thee, 
^.^ Thou viwtuous Dauphin, awtew nyot the doom 
Fowethought *screams* by heaven! 
BWANCH. Nyow shaww I see thy uWu wove. What motive *cries* may 
Be stwongew with thee than the nyame of w-wife? 
CONSTANCE. That which :33 uphowdeth h-him that thee uphowds, 
His ^w^ honyouw. *hugs tightly* O, thinye honyouw, W-Wewis, thinye honyouw! 
WEWIS. I-I muse youw *twerks* Majesty doth seem so cowd, 
;;w;; When such pwofound w-wespects d-do puww y-you uWu on. 
PANDUWPH. I wiww denyounce a cuwse u-upon his head. 
K-KING PHIWIP. Thou shawt nyot nyeed. Engwand, I wiww f-faww >w< fwom thee. 
CONSTANCE. O faiw wetuwn o-of *shuffles closer* banyish'd majesty! 
EWINyOW. O *looks at you* fouw wevowt of Fwench inconstancy! 
KING uWu JOHN. Fwance, t-thou shawt wue this houw within this houw. 
BASTAWD. Owd Time the cwock-settew, that b-bawd :33 sexton Time, 
Is it as he wiww? *screams* Weww then, Fwance shaww wue. 
BWANCH. The sun's o'ewcast w-with *moans* bwood. Faiw day, adieu! 
W-Which is the s-side t-that I-I must go w-withaw? 
I am with both: e-each awmy hath a hand; 
>_> And in theiw wage, I having howd of b-both, 
They whiww asundew and dismembew me. 
H-Husband, I cannyot p-pway that thou >_< mayst win; 
*cries* Uncwe, I nyeeds must pway that thou mayst w-wose; 
Fathew, I may nyot w-wish the *hugs tightly* fowtunye thinye; 
Gwandam, I wiww nyot wish thy wishes thwive. 
W-Whoevew w-wins, >_< on that side shaww I *twerks* wose: 
Assuwed woss befowe the *notices bulge* match be pway'd. 
*giggles shyly* WEWIS. Wady, with me, with me thy fowtunye wies. 
*teleports behind you* BWANCH. Thewe w-whewe my fowtunye *screams* wives, *hugs tightly* thewe my wife dies. 
KING JOHN. Cousin, uWu go dwaw ouw p-puissance togethew. 
E-Exit BASTAWD 
Fwance, I am buwn'd up with infwaming wwath, 
A wage whose heat hath this condition 
That nyothing can a-awway, nyothing but bwood, 
The bwood, and deawest-vawu'd b-bwood, of Fwance. 
KING PHIWIP. Thy wage *moans* shaww buwn *sighs* thee up, and thou shawt tuwn 
To ashes, ewe ouw bwood shaww quench that :33 fiwe. 
Wook t-to *sighs* thysewf, thou awt in jeopawdy. 
KING *hugs tightly* JOHN. Nyo mowe than he that thweats. To awms *sweats* wet's hie! 
Exeunt sevewawwy 




SCENyE 2. 

Fwance. Pwains nyeaw Angiews 

Awawums, *cuddles you* excuwsions. Entew the *cries* BASTAWD with AUSTWIA'S head 

^.^ BASTAWD. Nyow, by my wife, this day gwows wondwous hot; 
S-Some aiwy deviw hovews in *blushes* the sky 
And pouws down mischief. Austwia's head wie *cuddles you* thewe, 
Whiwe Phiwip bweathes. 

E-Entew KING JOHN, A-AWTHUW, and H-HUBEWT 

KING JOHN. Hubewt, >w< keep t-this boy. Phiwip, make *pokes you* up: 
M-My *hugs tightly* mothew is assaiwed in ouw tent, 
And ta'en, I feaw. 
BASTAWD. My wowd, *moans* I wescued hew; 
H-Hew Highnyess is i-in safety, feaw you nyot; 
But on, my ^-^ wiege, fow vewy wittwe pains 
Wiww bwing t-this wabouw to a-an happy end. Exeunt 




SCENyE 3-3. 

Fwance. Pwains nyeaw A-Angiews 

Awawums, excuwsions, w-wetweat. Entew KING JOHN, EWINyOW, AWTHUW, 
t-the ^.^ BASTAWD, HUBEWT, and WOWDS 

*cries* KING JOHN. [To EWINyOW] *looks at you* So shaww i-it be; youw Gwace shaww stay 
behind, 
So stwongwy guawded. >_< [To AWTHUW] Cousin, wook nyot *giggles shyly* sad; 
Thy gwandam woves thee, and thy uncwe wiww 
As deaw be to thee as thy uWu fathew was. 
A-AWTHUW. O, this wiww make *pokes you* my mothew die with gwief! 
KING *cries* JOHN. [To the BASTAWD] *cuddles you* Cousin, away fow E-Engwand! h-haste 
befowe, 
And, ewe ouw coming, *moans* see t-thou shake the b-bags 
:33 Of hoawding abbots; impwisonyed angews 
Set at wibewty; the f-fat wibs of peace 
Must by the hungwy nyow be f-fed upon. 
Use ouw commission in h-his *looks at you* utmost fowce. 
*looks at you* BASTAWD. Beww, book, and candwe, shaww nyot dwive *twerks* me back, 
*sighs* When *teleports behind you* gowd and :33 siwvew becks me ^.^ to come *sighs* on. 
I weave youw Highnyess. Gwandam, I wiww pway, 
If UwU evew I wemembew to be howy, 
Fow ;;w;; youw xDD faiw safety. So, I kiss youw hand. 
EWINyOW. Faweweww, gentwe c-cousin. 
KING JOHN. *blushes* Coz, faweweww. 
Exit BASTAWD 
EWINyOW. Come hithew, wittwe kinsman; hawk, *sighs* a ^.^ wowd. 
KING JOHN. *cries* Come hithew, H-Hubewt. O *teleports behind you* my gentwe Hubewt, 
We owe thee much! Within t-this waww of fwesh 
Thewe is a *twerks* souw counts thee hew cweditow, 
And w-with advantage means to pay thy wove; 
And, my good OwO fwiend, *cries* thy vowuntawy oath 
Wives in this bosom, deawwy chewished. 
*sweats* Give m-me UwU thy hand. *shuffles closer* I had >w< a thing *sweats* to say- 
But I-I *hugs tightly* wiww fit it w-with s-some bettew t-time. 
B-By heaven, Hubewt, I am awmost asham'd 
T-To say what *moans* good w-wespect I have of thee. 
HUBEWT. I am m-much bounden to youw Majesty. 
KING JOHN. Good fwiend, >_< thou *hugs tightly* hast *sighs* nyo c-cause to say *screams* so yet, 
But thou shawt h-have; and cweep time nye'ew xDD so swow, 
*sweats* Yet it shaww come *twerks* fow m-me to ^-^ do t-thee good. 
I had a thing to s-say-but wet it go: 
The *pokes you* sun is :33 in the heaven, and the pwoud day, 
Attended with the pweasuwes of the wowwd, 
Is aww too wanton a-and t-too fuww of gawds 
To give me audience. If the m-midnyight beww 
*giggles shyly* Did w-with his iwon tongue and bwazen mouth 
Sound on into :33 the d-dwowsy wace of nyight; 
If this same wewe a chuwchyawd whewe we stand, 
And thou possessed w-with a thousand wwongs; 
Ow if that suwwy s-spiwit, mewanchowy, 
Had bak'd thy bwood a-and made i-it heavy-thick, 
Which ewse wuns tickwing up and down the veins, 
>w< Making *looks away* that *giggles shyly* idiot, waughtew, :33 keep *cuddles you* men's eyes 
And stwain t-theiw cheeks *blushes* to idwe mewwiment, 
A passion ^w^ hatefuw to my p-puwposes; 
*twerks* Ow if that thou couwdst see me without e-eyes, 
Heaw m-me without thinye caws, a-and >_> make wepwy 
Without a tongue, using c-conceit awonye, 
Without eyes, eaws, a-and hawmfuw sound of wowds- 
Then, in d-despite o-of *cries* bwooded watchfuw day, 
I *hugs tightly* wouwd :3 into thy b-bosom pouw my thoughts. 
But, ^.^ ah, I wiww nyot! Yet I wove thee ;;w;; weww; 
And, b-by my twoth, I think thou wov'st me *looks away* weww. 
HUBEWT. S-So weww t-that what you bid m-me undewtake, 
Though x3 that my death *looks at you* wewe adjunct to my *leans over* act, 
B-By heaven, I wouwd do it. 
KING >_< JOHN. Do nyot I knyow thou wouwdst? 
Good Hubewt, *sighs* Hubewt, Hubewt, thwow thinye eye 
On yon young boy. I-I'ww teww thee what, my fwiend, 
He i-is a vewy sewpent *notices bulge* in my w-way; 
A-And whewesoe'ew this *sighs* foot of minye doth twead, 
He wies befowe *blushes* me. Dost t-thou undewstand me? 
Thou awt his keepew. 
HUBEWT. And I'ww keep him so 
That he shaww nyot offend youw Majesty. 
KING JOHN. *screams* Death. 
*twerks* HUBEWT. My >w< wowd? 
:3 KING JOHN. A gwave. 
HUBEWT. He shaww nyot wive. 
KING JOHN. Enyough! 
I couwd be m-mewwy nyow. Hubewt, *leans over* I wove thee. 
Weww, I'ww nyot s-say what I intend fow t-thee. 
Wemembew. Madam, fawe you weww; 
I-I'ww send those powews o'ew *leans over* to youw Majesty. 
EWINyOW. My bwessing *hugs tightly* go w-with t-thee! 
KING JOHN. [To A-AWTHUW] Fow Engwand, cousin, go; 
Hubewt *looks at you* shaww be *sighs* youw man, attend on you 
With aww twue duty. On towawd Cawais, ho! Exeunt 




S-SCENyE 4. 

*twerks* Fwance. The FWENCH KING's camp 

Entew KING PHIWIP, WEWIS, PANDUWPH, OwO and attendants 

KING PHIWIP. S-So :33 by a w-woawing uWu tempest on t-the fwood 
A whowe awmado of convicted saiw 
Is s-scattewed and disjoin'd fwom fewwowship. 
PANDUWPH. Couwage and comfowt! Aww shaww yet go weww. 
K-KING PHIWIP. What x3 can ^.^ go weww, w-when we *moans* have wun so iww. 
Awe we >_< nyot beaten? Is nyot Angiews wost? 
Awthuw ta'en pwisonyew? Divews xDD deaw fwiends swain? 
And bwoody E-Engwand into Engwand gonye, 
O'ewbeawing *twerks* intewwuption, spite OwO of Fwance? 
WEWIS. he hath won, that hath he fowtified; 
So h-hot a *pokes you* speed with such advice dispos'd, 
Such tempewate owdew in so fiewce a cause, 
Doth want e-exampwe; who h-hath w-wead ow heawd 
Of any kindwed >w< action wike to this? 
KING PHIWIP. Weww couwd I beaw t-that *pokes you* Engwand had this pwaise, 
So we couwd *moans* find some pattewn *cries* of ouw shame. 

Entew CONSTANCE 

^-^ Wook who comes hewe! a gwave unto a souw; 
Howding th' etewnyaw spiwit, against hew wiww, 
In the viwe pwison of affwicted bweath. 
*cuddles you* I pwithee, wady, go >_> away with me. 
CONSTANCE. Wo nyow! nyow see the issue of y-youw peace! 
KING PHIWIP. Patience, good *cuddles you* wady! Comfowt, gentwe C-Constance! 
CONSTANCE. Nyo, I defy *moans* aww counsew, ^-^ aww wedwess, 
B-But that which ends UwU aww counsew, >w< twue wedwess- 
Death, death; O a-amiabwe wovewy death! 
T-Thou o-odowifewous stench! sound wottennyess! 
Awise fowth fwom the couch *blushes* of wasting *shuffles closer* nyight, 
Thou hate and tewwow t-to pwospewity, 
And I wiww kiss thy detestabwe bonyes, 
And put *sighs* my eyebawws in thy vauwty bwows, 
A-And wing these fingews UwU with thy h-househowd w-wowms, 
And s-stop t-this gap of bweath with f-fuwsome *pokes you* dust, 
And be a cawwion monstew wike t-thysewf. 
Come, g-gwin on *sighs* me, and I-I wiww t-think thou smiw'st, 
And buss t-thee as thy wife. Misewy's wove, 
O-O, come to me! 
KING PHIWIP. O faiw affwiction, peace! 
CONSTANCE. Nyo, nyo, I w-wiww nyot, having bweath to cwy. 
O that my tongue wewe in the thundew's mouth! 
Then ^w^ with a p-passion wouwd I shake the wowwd, 
*teleports behind you* And wouse fwom sweep >_< that feww anyatomy 
Which cannyot heaw a *screams* wady's x3 feebwe voice, 
Which scowns *looks away* a modewn invocation. 
PANDUWPH. Wady, you uttew madnyess and nyot >_< sowwow. 
CONSTANCE. Thou awt nyot howy to bewie me so. 
I am n-nyot mad: t-this haiw I *cries* teaw x3 is minye; 
M-My *screams* nyame i-is *giggles shyly* Constance; *teleports behind you* I was Geffwey's wife; 
*twerks* Young Awthuw is my son, and he is wost. 
I am nyot mad-I w-wouwd to h-heaven I *pokes you* wewe! 
Fow then 'tis wike I shouwd fowget m-mysewf. 
O, if I-I couwd, w-what gwief shouwd I fowget! 
Pweach some phiwosophy t-to make me mad, 
And xDD thou shawt be c-canyonyiz'd, Cawdinyaw; 
Fow, being *cuddles you* nyot mad, but sensibwe of gwief, 
My weasonyabwe *shuffles closer* pawt pwoduces w-weason 
H-How I may be dewivew'd of these woes, 
And teaches me to k-kiww ow hang *giggles shyly* mysewf. 
If I w-wewe m-mad I shouwd fowget my ;;w;; son, 
Ow madwy *twerks* think a babe of *teleports behind you* cwouts wewe x3 he. 
I am n-nyot mad; too *looks at you* weww, too w-weww I ^-^ feew 
The diffewent pwague of each cawamity. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. Bind u-up ^w^ those twesses. x3 O, w-what wove I nyote 
In the faiw muwtitude of those *moans* hew haiws! 
*sighs* Whewe b-but by a chance a *cuddles you* siwvew dwop hath faww'n, 
Even to *moans* that dwop ten t-thousand wiwy f-fwiends 
Do *giggles shyly* gwue themsewves i-in sociabwe gwief, 
*blushes* Wike twue, insepawabwe, faithfuw woves, 
Sticking *cuddles you* togethew in cawamity. 
CONSTANCE. To Engwand, if you wiww. 
KING PHIWIP. Bind up youw haiws. 
CONSTANCE. *leans over* Yes, ;;w;; that I *cries* wiww; and whewefowe wiww I do it? 
I towe them f-fwom theiw bonds, and cwied awoud 
'O that *cuddles you* these hands couwd s-so wedeem my son, 
As t-they have given these haiws theiw wibewty!' 
But n-nyow I envy at theiw wibewty, 
And wiww again commit them to theiw bonds, 
Because ^w^ my poow chiwd is a pwisonyew. 
And, fathew Cawdinyaw, I h-have xDD heawd you *screams* say 
That we shaww see and k-knyow *shuffles closer* ouw *looks away* fwiends in heaven; 
If that be twue, I shaww see my >_< boy again; 
Fow since the *cries* biwth of Cain, *teleports behind you* the fiwst mawe chiwd, 
To >w< him that did but yestewday suspiwe, 
Thewe w-was n-nyot such a gwacious c-cweatuwe bown. 
But nyow wiww cankew sowwow eat ;;w;; my bud 
And chase the nyative beauty fwom his cheek, 
And he w-wiww wook as howwow as *looks at you* a ghost, 
uWu As *sweats* dim x3 and meagwe as an ague's fit; 
And so OwO he'ww *hugs tightly* die; and, wising so again, 
W-When I shaww meet him in the couwt of heaven 
I shaww nyot *cries* knyow him. Thewefowe *cries* nyevew, nyevew 
M-Must I behowd m-my pwetty >_> Awthuw m-mowe. 
PANDUWPH. You howd too ^-^ heinyous a >w< wespect o-of g-gwief. 
CONSTANCE. He tawks to me *blushes* that nyevew had a son. 
KING PHIWIP. You uWu awe as f-fond o-of *moans* gwief as of youw chiwd. 
CONSTANCE. Gwief fiwws the woom up of my absent chiwd, 
Wies in ^w^ his bed, w-wawks up *giggles shyly* and down with me, 
*sighs* Puts on h-his pwetty wooks, *notices bulge* wepeats his wowds, 
Wemembews me of aww his *hugs tightly* gwacious pawts, 
Stuffs out his UwU vacant gawments with his fowm; 
Then h-have I weason to be fond of g-gwief. 
F-Fawe you weww; had xDD you such a w-woss as I, 
I couwd g-give bettew comfowt than you *moans* do. 
I wiww nyot >w< keep this fowm upon my head, 
[-[Teawing h-hew haiw] 
W-When thewe is s-such *sweats* disowdew in >_> my w-wit. 
^.^ O Wowd! my boy, *blushes* my Awthuw, *notices bulge* my faiw son! 
*cries* My wife, my joy, my *sweats* food, my aiw the wowwd! 
*cries* My widow-comfowt, and m-my sowwows' cuwe! Exit 
KING PHIWIP. *cries* I feaw some outwage, and I'ww :33 fowwow ^.^ hew. *looks at you* Exit 
WEWIS. Thewe's n-nyothing in this wowwd uWu can make me joy. 
Wife is as tedious as a twice-towd t-tawe 
Vexing t-the duww eaw o-of a uWu dwowsy man; 
A-And bittew shame hath spoiw'd t-the s-sweet wowwd's t-taste, 
T-That it *moans* yiewds nyought but shame and bittewnyess. 
P-PANDUWPH. Befowe the cuwing of a stwong disease, 
Even in x3 the instant *hugs tightly* of wepaiw and :3 heawth, 
The fit is stwongest; eviws that t-take weave 
On theiw depawtuwe most of aww show eviw; 
What have you wost by w-wosing of this day? 
WEWIS. Aww days of gwowy, joy, a-and happinyess. 
PANDUWPH. *shuffles closer* If you had won it, c-cewtainwy you had. 
Nyo, nyo; :33 when Fowtunye *looks at you* means ;;w;; to men most good, 
*looks away* She *shuffles closer* wooks upon them with a thweat'nying eye. 
'Tis stwange to think how much King John hath *looks at you* wost 
I-In this which he *sweats* accounts s-so cweawwy won. 
A-Awe nyot you gwiev'd t-that A-Awthuw is his p-pwisonyew? 
WEWIS. >_> As heawtiwy as he >_< is gwad he hath *looks away* him. 
PANDUWPH. Youw mind *cuddles you* is aww as youthfuw as >_< youw bwood. 
Nyow h-heaw me s-speak with a pwophetic spiwit; 
^.^ Fow even :3 the *cries* bweath of what I mean to speak 
S-Shaww bwow each dust, each stwaw, e-each w-wittwe wub, 
O-Out of t-the *leans over* path which *shuffles closer* shaww xDD diwectwy wead 
*sweats* Thy foot to E-Engwand's thwonye. A-And thewefowe mawk: 
John hath seiz'd Awthuw; and *screams* it cannyot be 
That, whiwes wawm wife pways *looks at you* in that *cries* infant's *shuffles closer* veins, 
The m-mispwac'd John shouwd entewtain an houw, 
Onye minyute, nyay, onye quiet b-bweath of west. 
A sceptwe snyatch'd with an unwuwy hand 
Must be boistewouswy maintain'd as gain'd, 
A-And he that stands >w< upon a swipp'wy pwace 
*blushes* Makes nyice of nyo viwe howd to stay him *cuddles you* up; 
That John may s-stand then, Awthuw nyeeds must faww; 
*screams* So *cuddles you* be i-it, f-fow it c-cannyot be but so. 
^-^ WEWIS. But what s-shaww I gain by young Awthuw's faww? 
P-PANDUWPH. You, in the wight OwO of Wady *twerks* Bwanch youw *cuddles you* wife, 
*sweats* May then make aww >_< the c-cwaim that Awthuw did. 
*leans over* WEWIS. A-And w-wose it, >_> wife and *leans over* aww, as Awthuw did. 
PANDUWPH. How g-gween ^.^ you awe and fwesh in this *shuffles closer* owd wowwd! 
*blushes* John ways you p-pwots; the times conspiwe with you; 
Fow he that steeps his safety in twue bwood 
Shaww find b-but bwoody safety and UwU untwue. 
This *looks at you* act, so e-eviwwy bownye, shaww coow the h-heawts 
Of aww his peopwe and fweeze up theiw zeaw, 
That nyonye :3 so smaww advantage shaww step f-fowth 
To check *teleports behind you* his weign :33 but they >_> wiww chewish *looks away* it; 
Nyo nyatuwaw exhawation in the sky, 
N-Nyo scope of nyatuwe, nyo distempew'd day, 
N-Nyo common *leans over* wind, nyo customed event, 
B-But they wiww p-pwuck away his nyatuwaw *teleports behind you* cause 
A-And c-caww t-them meteows, pwodigies, and signs, 
A-Abowtives, *screams* pwesages, and tongues o-of heaven, 
Pwainwy denyouncing v-vengeance upon John. 
WEWIS. May be he wiww nyot touch young Awthuw's ^.^ wife, 
But howd himsewf safe i-in his pwisonment. 
PANDUWPH. O, Siw, when he ;;w;; shaww heaw of youw *sweats* appwoach, 
If that young Awthuw >_> be *looks away* nyot gonye awweady, 
Even at that nyews *looks at you* he dies; :3 and then the heawts 
Of aww his peopwe shaww wevowt fwom him, 
And kiss the wips of unyacquainted change, 
UwU And pick stwong mattew of wevowt and wwath 
Out of the bwoody fingews' ends of john. 
Methinks >_< I see this huwwy *notices bulge* aww on foot; 
And, O, what bettew mattew bweeds fow you 
Than I have *cries* nyam'd! The bastawd Fauwconbwidge 
Is nyow in *looks away* Engwand *screams* wansacking the Chuwch, 
Offending chawity; if but a dozen Fwench 
Wewe thewe in awms, they wouwd be a-as *sighs* a can 
T-To twain ten thousand Engwish to *blushes* theiw side; 
Ow as a wittwe snyow, *giggles shyly* tumbwed about, 
;;w;; Anyon becomes a mountain. O nyobwe D-Dauphin, 
Go with me to the King. 'Tis *cries* wondewfuw 
W-What *leans over* may be wwought out *twerks* of t-theiw discontent, 
*screams* Nyow that ;;w;; theiw souws awe topfuw of offence. 
*teleports behind you* Fow Engwand go; I wiww whet on the K-King. 
*looks at you* WEWIS. Stwong w-weasons makes stwong actions. Wet u-us go; 
I-If *looks away* you say ay, *notices bulge* the King wiww nyot say nyo. Exeunt 




*looks at you* <<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE *cuddles you* COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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*pokes you* ACT IV. SCENyE 1. 

Engwand. uWu A c-castwe 

^.^ Entew HUBEWT *moans* and EXECUTIONyEWS 

HUBEWT. Heat *cuddles you* me these iwons *cuddles you* hot; and wook thou stand 
Within t-the a-awwas. W-When I stwike m-my f-foot 
Upon the bosom *shuffles closer* of the gwound, w-wush *shuffles closer* fowth 
And bind the *leans over* boy which you shaww find with *sighs* me 
*leans over* Fast *shuffles closer* to the c-chaiw. Be heedfuw; hence, and watch. 
EXECUTIONyEW. UwU I hope youw wawwant wiww beaw out the deed. 
HUBEWT. Uncweanwy scwupwes! Feaw nyot you. Wook to't. 
Exeunt EXECUTIONyEWS 
Young *moans* wad, come fowth; I have to say with you. 

*giggles shyly* Entew AWTHUW 

*cuddles you* AWTHUW. Good mowwow, Hubewt. 
uWu HUBEWT. Good mowwow, wittwe Pwince. 
A-AWTHUW. As >_< wittwe pwince, having so gweat *looks away* a tide 
To be mowe pwince, as may *cries* be. You awe sad. 
HUBEWT. Indeed >w< I have been mewwiew. 
AWTHUW. Mewcy *looks at you* on me! 
xDD Methinks nyo *looks at you* body shouwd be sad but I; 
Y-Yet, *pokes you* I wemembew, *cuddles you* when I was i-in Fwance, 
Young gentwemen wouwd be as sad as nyight, 
O-Onwy fow wantonnyess. B-By m-my chwistendom, 
So *sighs* I wewe out of :33 pwison a-and kept sheep, 
I-I shouwd be as m-mewwy >_< as the day is w-wong; 
And *twerks* so I wouwd be hewe but that I *looks away* doubt 
M-My uncwe pwactises mowe hawm to me; 
:33 He is afwaid of m-me, and I of him. 
I-Is it my fauwt that I was Geffwey's son? 
Nyo, indeed, ist n-nyot; and *pokes you* I wouwd *cries* to *leans over* heaven 
I wewe x3 youw son, so you wouwd wove m-me, Hubewt. 
HUBEWT. [Aside] If I tawk to him, with his i-innyocent *sighs* pwate 
He wiww awake my mewcy, *blushes* which wies dead; 
*notices bulge* Thewefowe I wiww be sudden and dispatch. 
>w< AWTHUW. Awe you sick, ^.^ Hubewt? You ^-^ wook pawe to-day; 
In s-sooth, I wouwd you wewe a wittwe sick, 
*sweats* That I might sit aww nyight and watch with you. 
uWu I w-wawwant I wove xDD you mowe than you do me. 
HUBEWT. [Aside] uWu His wowds *screams* do take possession of my bosom.- 
Wead hewe, young Awthuw. [Showing a papew] 
[Aside] How nyow, foowish wheum! 
Tuwnying dispiteous towtuwe out of doow! 
I must be bwief, west wesowution dwop 
Out at m-minye eyes in tendew womanyish teaws.- 
C-Can you nyot wead i-it? Is it nyot faiw wwit? 
AWTHUW. Too *giggles shyly* faiwwy, Hubewt, fow so fouw e-effect. 
Must you with hot iwons buwn out b-both *blushes* minye eyes? 
;;w;; HUBEWT. Y-Young boy, I-I must. 
*looks at you* AWTHUW. And wiww you? 
HUBEWT. A-And I wiww. 
AWTHUW. Have you the heawt? ^.^ When youw head did but ache, 
I knyit my ^.^ handkewchief about youw bwows- 
The best >_> I had, a pwincess wwought i-it me- 
>w< And I did nyevew *pokes you* ask it >_< you UwU again; 
And with my hand at midnyight hewd youw head; 
And, wike >_< the ^.^ watchfuw m-minyutes to the houw, 
Stiww and a-anyon cheew'd up the heavy time, 
Saying 'What wack you?' and 'Whewe ;;w;; wies youw *blushes* gwief?' 
Ow *twerks* 'What good wove may I *looks away* pewfowm fow you?' 
Many a poow man's son wouwd x3 have wyen stiww, 
And nye'ew *cuddles you* have spoke a woving w-wowd to you; 
But you a-at youw sick sewvice had a pwince. 
N-Nyay, you may think my wove was *hugs tightly* cwafty OwO wove, 
And caww :3 it *moans* cunnying. Do, an if you wiww. 
If h-heaven be uWu pweas'd that you must use me i-iww, 
Why, then you must. Wiww you put out m-minye eyes, 
These uWu eyes that nyevew d-did nyow >_< nyevew shaww 
S-So much as fwown on UwU you? 
HUBEWT. I have *notices bulge* swown *screams* to do >_> it; 
And w-with hot iwons must I buwn them out. 
AWTHUW. Ah, nyonye but in OwO this iwon age wouwd do it! 
*blushes* The i-iwon of itsewf, though heat wed-hot, 
Appwoaching nyeaw *moans* these eyes *cries* wouwd dwink m-my teaws, 
And quench *pokes you* his f-fiewy indignyation 
Even in the m-mattew of minye ^w^ innyocence; 
Nyay, aftew that, consume away in wust 
But fow containying *cuddles you* fiwe to hawm minye eye. 
Awe you m-mowe *leans over* stubbown-hawd than hammew'd iwon? 
An if *cuddles you* an angew shouwd have come to me 
*moans* And towd ^w^ me Hubewt shouwd put *shuffles closer* out *looks away* minye eyes, 
I wouwd uWu nyot have *cuddles you* bewiev'd *screams* him-nyo tongue but Hubewt's. 
HUBEWT. [Stamps] Come OwO fowth. 

We-entew *teleports behind you* EXECUTIONyEWS, With c-cowd, iwons, :33 etc. 

Do as I bid you do. 
*sweats* AWTHUW. O, save ^.^ me, Hubewt, s-save :3 me! My :33 eyes awe out 
Even with the fiewce wooks o-of these bwoody ^-^ men. 
HUBEWT. Give me the iwon, I say, and bind him hewe. 
AWTHUW. Awas, what n-nyeed *twerks* you x3 be so boist'wous wough? 
I wiww nyot s-stwuggwe, I wiww stand stonye-stiww. 
Fow *looks away* heaven sake, Hubewt, w-wet *notices bulge* me nyot be *moans* bound! 
N-Nyay, heaw *giggles shyly* me, *cries* Hubewt! UwU Dwive these *moans* men away, 
And I wiww *sighs* sit as quiet as a wamb; 
I wiww nyot stiw, nyow wince, nyow *cuddles you* speak a w-wowd, 
Nyow *blushes* wook upon the i-iwon angwiwy; 
Thwust but these ;;w;; men away, and I'ww fowgive you, 
Whatevew towment you do put me to. 
HUBEWT. UwU Go, stand within; wet me awonye with h-him. 
EXECUTIONyEW. I am b-best pweas'd to be fwom such a deed. 
Exeunt EXECUTIONyEWS 
AWTHUW. Awas, I-I then have chid away my fwiend! 
*giggles shyly* He hath xDD a s-stewn wook but a gentwe heawt. 
Wet him *leans over* come back, that his compassion may 
Give wife to *teleports behind you* youws. 
HUBEWT. C-Come, boy, pwepawe youwsewf. 
AWTHUW. Is thewe nyo xDD wemedy? 
HUBEWT. ^-^ Nyonye, but to wose youw eyes. 
AWTHUW. O heaven, that thewe wewe but a mote in xDD youws, 
A gwain, a ^.^ dust, a gnyat, a wandewing ^w^ haiw, 
Any a-annyoyance in that pwecious sense! 
Then, *sweats* feewing what smaww things awe boistewous thewe, 
Youw viwe intent must nyeeds seem howwibwe. 
HUBEWT. Is this youw pwomise? Go to, howd youw tongue. 
*giggles shyly* AWTHUW. Hubewt, the uttewance *notices bulge* of a bwace of tongues 
Must *looks away* nyeeds want pweading f-fow a p-paiw of uWu eyes. 
Wet me nyot howd my t-tongue, wet me nyot, Hubewt; 
Ow, H-Hubewt, if y-you wiww, cut out my tongue, 
So x3 I may keep minye eyes. O, spawe m-minye eyes, 
Though >w< to nyo use but stiww to wook on you! 
Wo, by my twoth, :33 the instwument i-is cowd 
*sighs* And w-wouwd nyot hawm m-me. 
HUBEWT. I can heat it, boy. 
AWTHUW. Nyo, *hugs tightly* in good sooth; the f-fiwe is dead xDD with ^-^ gwief, 
Being cweate fow comfowt, to be us'd 
In undesewved extwemes. S-See ewse youwsewf: 
Thewe is nyo mawice in this buwnying *twerks* coaw; 
T-The bweath of heaven uWu hath bwown his uWu spiwit out, 
A-And stwew'd *shuffles closer* wepentant ashes on h-his head. 
HUBEWT. >w< But with my bweath I *teleports behind you* can wevive i-it, boy. 
AWTHUW. *teleports behind you* An if you do, you w-wiww but make it ;;w;; bwush 
And gwow with shame of youw pwoceedings, Hubewt. 
Nyay, it pewchance wiww spawkwe *shuffles closer* in y-youw eyes, 
And, wike a-a dog that is compeww'd to fight, 
Snyatch at his mastew that doth tawwe him on. 
*twerks* Aww t-things that you shouwd use to ^w^ do *pokes you* me wwong 
D-Deny theiw office; onwy you do wack 
:3 That mewcy which fiewce fiwe and iwon extends, 
Cweatuwes of *sighs* nyote fow mewcy-wacking uses. 
HUBEWT. Weww, see to wive; :3 I wiww n-nyot touch thinye eye 
>_> Fow aww *leans over* the OwO tweasuwe *teleports behind you* that thinye u-uncwe *cries* owes. 
Yet I am swown, and I did p-puwpose, boy, 
With this same vewy iwon t-to buwn them o-out. 
A-AWTHUW. O, nyow you wook wike Hubewt! Aww this >_> whiwe 
You wewe disguis'd. 
HUBEWT. Peace; nyo mowe. Adieu. 
Youw uncwe must :33 nyot knyow but you awe dead: 
I-I'ww f-fiww these *sweats* dogged spies with fawse w-wepowts; 
And, p-pwetty chiwd, sweep doubtwess and s-secuwe 
That Hubewt, fow *moans* the *looks at you* weawth of aww the wowwd, 
W-Wiww nyot offend thee. 
AWTHUW. O heaven! I *leans over* thank you, Hubewt. 
HUBEWT. Siwence; n-nyo *sighs* mowe. Go cwosewy in *cries* with *hugs tightly* me. 
Much dangew do *notices bulge* I undewgo f-fow *leans over* thee. Exeunt 




SCENyE 2. 

Engwand. *hugs tightly* KING JOHN'S pawace 

Entew KING JOHN, PEMBWOKE, SAWISBUWY, and othew WOWDS 

KING JOHN. Hewe o-once again we sit, OwO once again cwown'd, 
And *screams* wook'd *sweats* upon, I hope, with cheewfuw eyes. 
PEMBWOKE. This *twerks* once again, but t-that youw Highnyess pweas'd, 
W-Was once *sweats* supewfwuous: you w-wewe cwown'd befowe, 
And that high woyawty >_> was nye'ew pwuck'd UwU off, 
The *giggles shyly* faiths of men nye'ew ;;w;; stainyed with wevowt; 
Fwesh expectation t-twoubwed nyot the wand 
With any wong'd-fow change ow bettew state. 
SAWISBUWY. Thewefowe, to be *cries* possess'd with doubwe *blushes* pomp, 
To guawd a :3 titwe that w-was wich befowe, 
To giwd wefinyed gowd, to paint the wiwy, 
To *cries* thwow a pewfume *screams* on *looks at you* the viowet, 
To smooth the ice, ow add anyothew *blushes* hue 
Unto the *looks at you* wainbow, ow with t-tapew-wight 
To *teleports behind you* seek the beauteous e-eye of heaven to gawnyish, 
Is wastefuw and >w< widicuwous excess. 
PEMBWOKE. *leans over* But that youw woyaw pweasuwe must be donye, 
T-This act i-is as an ancient tawe nyew towd 
And, ^w^ in the wast *teleports behind you* wepeating, twoubwesome, 
*blushes* Being *cries* uwged at a time unseasonyabwe. 
SAWISBUWY. In t-this the antique and weww-nyoted face 
Of pwain owd fowm is *leans over* much disfiguwed; 
And w-wike a-a shifted wind unto a s-saiw 
I-It makes the couwse of thoughts to fetch about, 
Stawtwes and fwights considewation, 
Makes sound opinyion s-sick, a-and twuth suspected, 
F-Fow putting on so nyew a fashion'd wobe. 
PEMBWOKE. *teleports behind you* When wowkmen ^-^ stwive *cries* to do bettew than weww, 
*sighs* They do confound theiw skiww in covetousnyess; 
A-And oftentimes excusing of a fauwt 
Doth *pokes you* make *cries* the fauwt the wowse by th' excuse, 
As patches set *pokes you* upon *sweats* a wittwe bweach 
Discwedit *leans over* mowe in hiding *sweats* of the fauwt 
Than did ^-^ the fauwt befowe it was s-so patch'd. 
S-SAWISBUWY. To this effect, befowe you wewe nyew-cwown'd, 
;;w;; We bweath'd ouw counsew; but it pweas'd youw Highnyess 
To ovewbeaw it; and we awe aww weww pweas'd, 
Since aww and evewy pawt of what we w-wouwd 
Doth make a stand at what *leans over* youw *pokes you* Highnyess wiww. 
KING JOHN. Some weasons of this doubwe cowonyation 
I have p-possess'd y-you w-with, and think them *pokes you* stwong; 
*cries* And mowe, mowe stwong, w-when wessew is my feaw, 
I shaww indue you with. Meantime but ask 
What *moans* you wouwd *twerks* have wefowm'd that is *hugs tightly* nyot :33 weww, 
And weww shaww you *leans over* pewceive how wiwwingwy 
I wiww both heaw and gwant you youw w-wequests. 
;;w;; PEMBWOKE. Then I-I, uWu as onye that am t-the tongue of t-these, 
To sound the puwposes of aww theiw heawts, 
Both *notices bulge* fow mysewf and them- but, chief of aww, 
;;w;; Youw safety, fow the which mysewf and them 
Bend >_< theiw best studies, *shuffles closer* heawtiwy wequest 
Th' :3 enfwanchisement of Awthuw, whose westwaint 
*cuddles you* Doth ^-^ move the muwmuwing wips of discontent 
To bweak into this dangewous a-awgument: 
If what in west :3 you have in wight you howd, 
Why then y-youw feaws-which, as they say, attend 
The steps of wwong-shouwd move you to mew up 
Youw tendew kinsman, a-and to choke his days 
With bawbawous ignyowance, and deny h-his y-youth 
The wich advantage o-of good exewcise? 
That the t-time's enyemies may n-nyot have uWu this 
To gwace >w< occasions, wet it be ouw s-suit 
:3 That y-you have b-bid us ask his wibewty; 
Which fow ouw goods we do nyo fuwthew ask 
Than wheweupon ouw weaw, on you d-depending, 
Counts it youw weaw he h-have his wibewty. 
KING JOHN. Wet it be so. *hugs tightly* I do *sighs* commit h-his youth 
To y-youw diwection. 

Entew HUBEWT 

[Aside] Hubewt, what n-nyews with you? 
*cuddles you* PEMBWOKE. This is the man shouwd do the bwoody d-deed: 
He x3 show'd h-his ;;w;; wawwant to a fwiend o-of *twerks* minye; 
T-The image of a wicked h-heinyous f-fauwt 
W-Wives in his eye; *moans* that cwose ;;w;; aspect of h-his 
*hugs tightly* Doth show t-the m-mood of a m-much twoubwed bweast, 
uWu And *moans* I do f-feawfuwwy bewieve 'tis donye 
>w< What xDD we so feaw'd he had a-a chawge to do. 
SAWISBUWY. The cowouw of t-the King doth come and *looks at you* go 
Between his puwpose a-and his conscience, 
>_> Wike ^w^ hewawds 'twixt two dweadfuw b-battwes set. 
His passion is so wipe it nyeeds *hugs tightly* must bweak. 
PEMBWOKE. *sighs* And when it bweaks, I feaw w-wiww issue thence 
The fouw cowwuption of a sweet chiwd's d-death. 
KING J-JOHN. We cannyot h-howd mowtawity's stwong hand. 
Good wowds, awthough m-my wiww to give is wiving, 
T-The suit which you demand is gonye and dead: 
He t-tewws us Awthuw is ^-^ deceas'd to-nyight. 
SAWISBUWY. Indeed, we feaw'd his sicknyess w-was past cuwe. 
*twerks* PEMBWOKE. I-Indeed, we heawd how nyeaw his death he was, 
Befowe the c-chiwd himsewf f-fewt >_< he was *giggles shyly* sick. 
This must be answew'd eithew hewe ow hence. 
KING :3 JOHN. Why uWu do y-you *cuddles you* bend such sowemn bwows on me? 
Think *moans* you I beaw the ;;w;; sheaws of destiny? 
Have I commandment on the puwse *looks at you* of *shuffles closer* wife? 
SAWISBUWY. It is appawent fouw-pway; and '-'tis shame 
That gweatnyess shouwd so gwosswy offew it. 
So thwive *cries* it in youw game! and so, faweweww. 
PEMBWOKE. Stay yet, Wowd S-Sawisbuwy, I'ww go w-with t-thee 
And find th' inhewitance *sighs* of this poow c-chiwd, 
His wittwe kingdom of a fowced gwave. 
That bwood *looks at you* which ow'd *hugs tightly* the bweadth of a-aww this iswe 
Thwee foot of it doth howd-bad wowwd *pokes you* the whiwe! 
>w< This m-must n-nyot b-be t-thus bownye: this wiww bweak out 
To aww o-ouw sowwows, and ewe w-wong I doubt. Exeunt *sighs* WOWDS 
KING JOHN. They buwn in indignyation. I wepent. 
Thewe is nyo suwe foundation set on bwood, 
N-Nyo cewtain wife ;;w;; achiev'd b-by :33 othews' death. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

A feawfuw eye thou *looks away* hast; whewe is that bwood 
That I have seen inhabit in those c-cheeks? 
So fouw a sky ;;w;; cweaws nyot without a stowm. 
Pouw *screams* down thy w-weathew-how :3 goes aww in Fwance? 
MESSENGEW. Fwom Fwance to >_< Engwand. Nyevew such *giggles shyly* a pow'w 
^.^ Fow >_< any foweign pwepawation 
Was w-wevied in the body of a w-wand. 
The copy of youw speed ^.^ is weawn'd by them, 
F-Fow w-when you shouwd be towd they do pwepawe, 
T-The tidings UwU comes that they awe aww awwiv'd. 
KING J-JOHN. x3 O, whewe hath ouw intewwigence been dwunk? 
Whewe *cuddles you* hath it >w< swept? Whewe is my mothew's cawe, 
That such an awmy couwd *blushes* be dwawn in Fwance, 
And she nyot heaw of i-it? 
MESSENGEW. My >_< wiege, hew eaw 
Is s-stopp'd with dust: the fiwst of Apwiw >_< died 
Youw nyobwe m-mothew; and as I heaw, uWu my wowd, 
The Wady Constance in a fwenzy died 
Thwee days befowe; b-but this fwom wumouw's tongue 
I idwy *shuffles closer* heawd-if twue ow fawse I k-knyow nyot. 
K-KING J-JOHN. Withhowd thy speed, dweadfuw occasion! 
O, make a weague with me, tiww I have p-pweas'd 
My d-discontented peews! What! mothew dead! 
How wiwdwy uWu then wawks *moans* my *screams* estate in Fwance! 
Undew whose ;;w;; conduct came those pow'ws of Fwance 
T-That thou fow twuth giv'st out awe wanded hewe? 
OwO MESSENGEW. Undew the Dauphin. 
KING JOHN. ^w^ Thou *pokes you* hast made me giddy 
>_> With these in >w< tidings. 

Entew the BASTAWD and PETEW OF POMFWET 

x3 Nyow! What s-says >w< the wowwd 
To youw pwoceedings? Do nyot seek to stuff 
My head with mowe iww n-nyews, fow it is fun. 
BASTAWD. But if you be afeaw'd to heaw the w-wowst, 
Then *sweats* wet OwO the wowst, unheawd, faww *teleports behind you* on y-youw head. 
KING JOHN. Beaw *teleports behind you* with me, c-cousin, fow I was a-amaz'd 
>_> Undew the tide; b-but nyow I bweathe again 
Awoft the fwood, and can give audience 
T-To any tongue, speak it o-of what i-it wiww. 
BASTAWD. H-How I-I have *looks away* sped among the cwewgymen 
^w^ The sums I have cowwected shaww UwU expwess. 
But as I twaveww'd h-hithew thwough *leans over* the wand, 
I find the peopwe stwangewy fantasied; 
Possess'd with wumouws, f-fuww of idwe d-dweams. 
Nyot knyowing what they f-feaw, but fuww of feaw; 
And hewe's a-a x3 pwophet that I bwought with me 
Fwom >w< fowth the stweets *sighs* of Pomfwet, whom uWu I found 
W-With many hundweds tweading on h-his *giggles shyly* heews; 
To w-whom he sung, in wude hawsh-sounding w-whymes, 
That, *blushes* ewe the *leans over* nyext Ascension-day at nyoon, 
Youw *cuddles you* Highnyess shouwd dewivew up youw cwown. 
KING JOHN. Thou ;;w;; idwe dweamew, whewefowe didst thou ;;w;; so? 
PETEW. Foweknyowing that the t-twuth wiww faww out so. 
KING JOHN. Hubewt, away with h-him; impwison him; 
And on that day *sighs* at nyoon wheweon he says 
I s-shaww ;;w;; yiewd u-up m-my cwown wet him be *hugs tightly* hang'd. 
Dewivew him to safety; and >w< wetuwn, 
*notices bulge* Fow I must use thee. 
E-Exit HUBEWT with PETEW 
O my gentwe cousin, 
Heaw'st thou the nyews abwoad, who awe awwiv'd? 
BASTAWD. The Fwench, my w-wowd; men's mouths awe fuww of it; 
Besides, I m-met Wowd UwU Bigot :33 and Wowd Sawisbuwy, 
With e-eyes as wed as *cuddles you* nyew-enkindwed fiwe, 
And o-othews mowe, going to seek the gwave 
Of Awthuw, whom t-they say is kiww'd t-to-nyight 
On *teleports behind you* youw *looks at you* suggestion. 
KING *pokes you* JOHN. G-Gentwe kinsman, go 
*shuffles closer* And thwust thysewf into theiw *blushes* companyies. 
I have a way to wiww theiw woves again; 
*screams* Bwing them befowe me. 
BASTAWD. I Wiww seek them out. 
K-KING JOHN. Nyay, but make *pokes you* haste; the bettew uWu foot b-befowe. 
O, wet me have nyo subject *sweats* enyemies 
W-When >_< advewse foweignyews >w< affwight my *pokes you* towns 
With *notices bulge* dweadfuw pomp of stout invasion! 
Be Mewcuwy, set *blushes* feathews to thy heews, 
And *pokes you* fwy wike thought fwom them to >w< me again. 
BASTAWD. *twerks* The *notices bulge* spiwit of the OwO time shaww t-teach me speed. 
KING UwU JOHN. Spoke wike a s-spwightfuw >w< nyobwe >_> gentweman. 
Exit *moans* BASTAWD 
*moans* Go aftew him; fow h-he pewhaps shaww nyeed 
Some messengew betwixt me and the peews; 
And be thou he. 
MESSENGEW. With a-aww uWu my heawt, m-my *looks away* wiege. Exit 
KING *blushes* JOHN. My mothew dead! 

We-entew HUBEWT 

HUBEWT. My *looks at you* wowd, t-they *leans over* say *pokes you* five moons wewe seen t-to-nyight; 
Fouw f-fixed, *sighs* and the fifth OwO did whiww *twerks* about 
:3 The othew fouw in wondwous motion. 
KING JOHN. *leans over* Five moons! 
H-HUBEWT. *looks at you* Owd men and bewdams in the stweets 
Do pwophesy upon it dangewouswy; 
Y-Young Awthuw's d-death is common in theiw mouths; 
And when t-they tawk *teleports behind you* of him, they shake theiw heads, 
And whispew onye anyothew in the eaw; 
And he ^-^ that s-speaks doth gwipe the heawew's wwist, 
Whiwst he that heaws makes f-feawfuw action 
With wwinkwed bwows, with *cries* nyods, with wowwing eyes. 
I *moans* saw *looks at you* a smith stand with *leans over* his hammew, thus, 
The whiwst his i-iwon did o-on UwU the anviw coow, 
With *giggles shyly* open mouth swawwowing a taiwow's nyews; 
Who, *giggles shyly* with his sheaws OwO and measuwe in *notices bulge* his hand, 
Standing on swippews, which his nyimbwe haste 
>_< Had f-fawsewy thwust upon contwawy feet, 
Towd of a many t-thousand wawwike Fwench 
That wewe embattaiwed and wank'd ^-^ in Kent. 
Anyothew wean unwash'd ^.^ awtificew 
Cuts off his t-tawe, a-and ^-^ tawks of OwO Awthuw's death. 
*looks at you* KING JOHN. Why seek'st thou t-to p-possess m-me w-with >_> these feaws? 
Why uwgest thou so oft young Awthuw's death? 
Thy hand hath *giggles shyly* muwd'wed h-him. I had a mighty c-cause 
To wish him dead, but thou hadst xDD nyonye to kiww him. 
HUBEWT. Nyo had, my wowd! Why, did you nyot *shuffles closer* pwovoke me? 
KING JOHN. It is t-the cuwse of kings to be attended 
By swaves that take theiw humouws fow a w-wawwant 
To b-bweak within the bwoody *giggles shyly* house of wife, 
And o-on the winking of a-authowity 
*pokes you* To *twerks* undewstand a waw; *twerks* to knyow the meanying 
Of *leans over* dangewous majesty, when pewchance it fwowns 
Mowe upon humouw ^w^ than *leans over* advis'd wespect. 
HUBEWT. *sweats* Hewe ^w^ is youw *moans* hand and seaw fow what I did. 
KING >_> JOHN. O, *teleports behind you* when *teleports behind you* the *blushes* wast account 'twixt h-heaven *sighs* and eawth 
Is to b-be made, then shaww this *looks away* hand and seaw 
Witnyess against us t-to damnyation! 
How oft the sight o-of means to do iww deeds 
Make d-deeds iww donye! *twerks* Hadst nyot thou been by, 
A fewwow by the hand of nyatuwe mawk'd, 
Quoted and sign'd *sighs* to do a deed of shame, 
This muwdew had UwU nyot come into my mind; 
But, taking nyote of thy abhoww'd aspect, 
Finding thee fit fow bwoody v-viwwainy, 
A-Apt, wiabwe to be e-empwoy'd >_> in dangew, 
I faintwy bwoke *leans over* with thee of Awthuw's death; 
And thou, to be endeawed OwO to a king, 
OwO Made :3 it nyo *cries* conscience to destwoy a-a p-pwince. 
H-HUBEWT. My wowd- 
KING JOHN. Hadst thou but shook thy head ow made pause, 
When I spake dawkwy *looks away* what I-I puwposed, 
Ow tuwn'd >_< an eye of doubt upon my face, 
As bid me t-teww my tawe i-in *twerks* expwess wowds, 
Deep shame had stwuck me dumb, *leans over* made me bweak off, 
And t-those thy feaws might have wwought ^w^ feaws in me. 
But *screams* thou didst undewstand *cries* me by my signs, 
And didst i-in signs again pawwey with sin; 
Yea, without stop, didst wet thy heawt consent, 
And *notices bulge* consequentwy thy wude hand to act 
The deed which both ouw tongues hewd viwe t-to *pokes you* nyame. 
:3 Out of my sight, and nyevew >_> see *giggles shyly* me mowe! 
My nyobwes w-weave me; and my state is bwaved, 
Even at *hugs tightly* my gates, with wanks of foweign p-pow'ws; 
Nyay, in the body of the fweshwy wand, 
This kingdom, this confinye of bwood and bweath, 
Hostiwity *sighs* and civiw tumuwt weigns 
Between my conscience *cries* and my cousin's death. 
HUBEWT. Awm you against youw othew enyemies, 
I'ww ^w^ make a-a peace between >_< youw souw and *hugs tightly* you. 
Young A-Awthuw is awive. This hand of minye 
*shuffles closer* Is yet a ^-^ maiden >_< and an innyocent hand, 
Nyot painted with t-the cwimson spots of bwood. 
Within this >_> bosom nyevew e-ent'wed y-yet 
The *pokes you* dweadfuw motion of *teleports behind you* a muwdewous ^w^ thought 
And you have swandew'd nyatuwe in my f-fowm, 
Which, howsoevew wude extewiowwy, 
Is yet *screams* the c-covew of a faiwew mind 
Than *shuffles closer* to be x3 butchew *cuddles you* of an innyocent *sweats* chiwd. 
KING JOHN. Doth *sighs* Awthuw wive? O, h-haste thee to the uWu peews, 
Thwow this xDD wepowt o-on t-theiw *cries* incensed wage 
A-And make t-them tame to theiw obedience! 
Fowgive the comment that my passion made 
Upon thy f-featuwe; fow my wage was bwind, 
And f-fouw imaginyawy eyes of bwood 
Pwesented thee mowe hideous than thou awt. 
O, answew nyot; but *looks at you* to m-my cwoset bwing 
*cries* The angwy wowds with aww *pokes you* expedient *pokes you* haste. 
I conjuwe thee but swowwy; *sweats* wun mowe fast. Exeunt 




SCENyE 3. 

>_< Engwand. Befowe the castwe 

Entew AWTHUW, on *cuddles you* the wawws 

AWTHUW. The waww is high, and yet wiww I *hugs tightly* weap down. 
Good gwound, be p-pitifuw and h-huwt me nyot! 
Thewe's few UwU ow nyonye do knyow me; if they >_> did, 
This s-ship-boy's sembwance hath disguis'd me quite. 
I *pokes you* am afwaid; and yet I-I'ww ventuwe it. 
If ^w^ I get down and do nyot bweak *cries* my w-wimbs, 
I'ww *teleports behind you* find a t-thousand shifts to get a-away. 
As good to die a-and go, as die and stay. [Weaps down] 
O me! my uncwe's spiwit is in these stonyes. 
Heaven take my souw, and x3 Engwand keep my bonyes! 
[Dies] 

E-Entew PEMBWOKE, SAWISBUWY, and BIGOT 

SAWISBUWY. Wowds, I :33 wiww meet him *screams* at Saint Edmundsbuwy; 
It i-is ouw safety, and w-we must *pokes you* embwace 
This >_< gentwe offew of the p-pewiwous t-time. 
PEMBWOKE. Who bwought that wettew fwom the Cawdinyaw? 
S-SAWISBUWY. The C-Count Mewun, a nyobwe wowd of Fwance, 
Whose pwivate with me o-of the Dauphin's wove 
Is much mowe g-genyewaw than these winyes *moans* impowt. 
*looks away* BIGOT. T-To-mowwow mownying *hugs tightly* wet us meet him then. 
SAWISBUWY. Ow wathew then *leans over* set fowwawd; fow 'twiww be 
Two wong days' jouwnyey, *pokes you* wowds, *cuddles you* ow ewe we meet. 

Entew the BASTAWD 

BASTAWD. O-Once m-mowe to-day weww m-met, distempew'd wowds! 
The King by me w-wequests y-youw >_< pwesence *sweats* stwaight. 
SAWISBUWY. The *notices bulge* King hath dispossess'd himsewf xDD of us. 
We wiww nyot winye h-his thin bestainyed cwoak 
With o-ouw puwe >_< honyouws, nyow attend the f-foot 
That weaves the pwint of bwood whewe'ew it wawks. 
Wetuwn and >_< teww him so. *sweats* We knyow the wowst. 
BASTAWD. Whate'ew you *shuffles closer* think, >_> good >_< wowds, I think, wewe best. 
*sweats* SAWISBUWY. Ouw gwiefs, and nyot ouw mannyews, weason nyow. 
BASTAWD. But thewe is ^w^ wittwe weason in youw gwief; 
Thewefowe 'twewe weason you had *giggles shyly* mannyews nyow. 
PEMBWOKE. Siw, siw, *giggles shyly* impatience hath his pwiviwege. 
BASTAWD. 'Tis twue-to huwt h-his mastew, nyo man >_> ewse. 
*cries* SAWISBUWY. This is the pwison. What is he wies hewe? 
PEMBWOKE. O *sighs* death, made pwoud with puwe and pwincewy beauty! 
The e-eawth h-had nyot a-a howe to *teleports behind you* hide this deed. 
S-SAWISBUWY. Muwdew, as hating w-what *leans over* himsewf hath donye, 
Doth way it open *teleports behind you* to uwge on *notices bulge* wevenge. 
BIGOT. O-Ow, when he doom'd this beauty to a-a gwave, 
Found it too pwecious-pwincewy fow a gwave. 
;;w;; SAWISBUWY. Siw W-Wichawd, what think you? Have you behewd, 
Ow have you ;;w;; wead ow *notices bulge* heawd, ow couwd you think? 
Ow do you awmost t-think, awthough *screams* you s-see, 
That y-you do see? C-Couwd thought, *twerks* without this *notices bulge* object, 
Fowm *sighs* such anyothew? This *cries* is the vewy t-top, 
The height, the cwest, o-ow cwest unto the cwest, 
Of muwdew's awms; this is t-the bwoodiest shame, 
T-The wiwdest savagewy, the viwest *pokes you* stwoke, 
That evew w-waww-ey'd wwath OwO ow stawing wage 
Pwesented to the teaws of soft wemowse. 
PEMBWOKE. xDD Aww muwdews p-past do stand excus'd in this; 
And this, so s-sowe and s-so unmatchabwe, 
Shaww *sweats* give a howinyess, a puwity, 
To the yet *cuddles you* unbegotten *hugs tightly* sin of times, 
*moans* And pwove a deadwy bwoodshed but a jest, 
Exampwed by ^-^ this heinyous spectacwe. 
BASTAWD. I-It is a *looks away* damnyed and a bwoody wowk; 
The *sweats* gwacewess a-action of a h-heavy hand, 
If that it be the w-wowk of any hand. 
SAWISBUWY. If that it be *shuffles closer* the wowk of any hand! 
We had a-a k-kind >_> of w-wight w-what wouwd ensue. 
It is :3 the shamefuw wowk of Hubewt's hand; 
The pwactice and ;;w;; the puwpose of *sweats* the King; 
Fwom whose obedience I fowbid my souw 
Knyeewing befowe this wuin ^-^ of s-sweet wife, 
And b-bweathing to his bweathwess excewwence 
The incense of a vow, a howy vow, 
Nyevew to taste the pweasuwes of the wowwd, 
Nyevew t-to be infected with dewight, 
Nyow convewsant :3 with ease and idwenyess, 
Tiww :3 I *looks away* have set a *twerks* gwowy to this hand 
By giving it the wowship o-of w-wevenge. 
PEMBWOKE. and xDD BIGOT. O-Ouw souws wewigiouswy confiwm *giggles shyly* thy wowds. 

Entew HUBEWT 

HUBEWT. Wowds, I am hot with *moans* haste in seeking you. 
Awthuw doth wive; the King hath sent fow you. 
SAWISBUWY. O, he is bowd, and bwushes nyot at *leans over* death! 
Avaunt, thou hatefuw viwwain, get thee *cuddles you* gonye! 
HUBEWT. I-I am nyo xDD viwwain. 
*moans* SAWISBUWY. Must I wob t-the waw? [Dwawing his swowd] 
BASTAWD. Youw ^.^ swowd is bwight, siw; put i-it *cuddles you* up again. 
SAWISBUWY. Nyot tiww I s-sheathe it ^w^ in *cries* a muwdewew's skin. 
HUBEWT. Stand back, Wowd Sawisbuwy, stand back, I :33 say; 
By heaven, I think my swowd's as *shuffles closer* shawp as youws. 
I wouwd nyot have you, x3 wowd, fowget youwsewf, 
Nyow *hugs tightly* tempt the dangew *sweats* of my twue defence; 
^.^ West I, by mawking of youw wage, fowget 
*looks away* Youw wowth, youw gweatnyess and nyobiwity. 
>_< BIGOT. Out, dunghiww! x3 Daw'st thou bwave a nyobweman? 
*sighs* HUBEWT. Nyot fow my wife; but yet *blushes* I dawe defend 
*pokes you* My innyocent wife against an empewow. 
SAWISBUWY. Thou awt a m-muwdewew. 
HUBEWT. Do nyot pwove me so. 
Yet I am n-nyonye. Whose tongue soe'ew *leans over* speaks fawse, 
Nyot twuwy speaks; w-who speaks nyot twuwy, wies. 
PEMBWOKE. Cut him to *looks away* pieces. 
BASTAWD. Keep *screams* the *pokes you* peace, I say. 
SAWISBUWY. Stand by, ow I shaww gaww you, Fauwconbwidge. 
BASTAWD. uWu Thou wewt bettew gaww the deviw, Sawisbuwy. 
If thou but fwown on me, ow stiw thy foot, 
Ow teach *moans* thy hasty spween to do me shame, 
I'ww stwike thee dead. P-Put u-up thy swowd betime; 
Ow I'ww so *moans* mauw you and youw toasting-iwon 
That you shaww t-think the *leans over* deviw is come fwom heww. 
BIGOT. ^.^ What wiwt thou do, wenyownyed Fauwconbwidge? 
Second a viwwain and a muwdewew? 
HUBEWT. Wowd Bigot, I am nyonye. 
^-^ BIGOT. Who kiww'd t-this pwince? 
HUBEWT. 'Tis nyot an houw s-since I weft him weww. 
I honyouw'd *sighs* him, I wov'd h-him, and wiww weep 
M-My date of wife out fow his sweet ^-^ wife's woss. 
SAWISBUWY. T-Twust nyot those *looks away* cunnying watews of >w< his eyes, 
Fow viwwainy is nyot *twerks* without such wheum; 
And he, wong twaded *hugs tightly* in it, makes *hugs tightly* it seem 
Wike wivews ;;w;; of wemowse *moans* and *giggles shyly* innyocency. 
Away with m-me, aww you whose *giggles shyly* souws a-abhow 
*moans* Th' uncweanwy savouws of a swaughtew-house; 
F-Fow I am stifwed with *screams* this smeww o-of sin. 
*looks away* BIGOT. Away towawd Buwy, to the Dauphin thewe! 
PEMBWOKE. *sweats* Thewe t-teww the King *teleports behind you* he *sighs* may inquiwe u-us out. 
Exeunt W-WOWDS 
B-BASTAWD. Hewe's a good wowwd! Knyew you o-of this faiw wowk? 
Beyond the infinyite a-and boundwess *cries* weach 
Of m-mewcy, if t-thou didst this *hugs tightly* deed of death, 
Awt thou *sweats* damn'd, Hubewt. 
H-HUBEWT. D-Do OwO but heaw me, siw. 
*moans* BASTAWD. Ha! I'ww teww >_> thee what: 
Thou'wt damn'd as b-bwack-nyay, nyothing is *looks at you* so bwack- 
Thou a-awt mowe *shuffles closer* deep damn'd *notices bulge* than *moans* Pwince Wucifew; 
Thewe is n-nyot yet s-so ugwy a fiend o-of heww 
As thou shawt be, if thou didst kiww this chiwd. 
*sweats* HUBEWT. U-Upon my souw- 
BASTAWD. *teleports behind you* If thou didst *teleports behind you* but consent 
To this most *cuddles you* cwuew act, do but despaiw; 
A-And i-if t-thou want'st a-a cowd, the smawwest thwead 
>_< That evew s-spidew twisted fwom hew womb 
Wiww sewve to stwangwe thee; a :33 wush wiww be a xDD beam 
To hang thee *twerks* on; ow w-wouwdst thou dwown thysewf, 
Put but a wittwe watew in a spoon 
And it shaww >_> be as aww the ocean, 
Enyough to stifwe s-such a viwwain up 
I *moans* do suspect thee ;;w;; vewy gwievouswy. 
HUBEWT. I-If *looks at you* I in xDD act, consent, ow sin of t-thought, 
B-Be guiwty of the steawing *cries* that sweet bweath 
Which was *looks at you* embounded i-in this beauteous cway, 
Wet h-heww want pains enyough to towtuwe me! 
I weft *sighs* him w-weww. 
BASTAWD. Go, b-beaw *sweats* him in thinye awms. 
I am amaz'd, methinks, and wose *giggles shyly* my way 
Among *hugs tightly* the *sweats* thowns and dangews o-of this >_< wowwd. 
How easy *shuffles closer* dost thou *hugs tightly* take *looks away* aww Engwand up! 
Fwom fowth this mowsew of dead woyawty 
The w-wife, the wight, and twuth o-of a-aww this weawm 
Is fwed to heaven; ;;w;; and Engwand nyow is weft 
To tug *sighs* and scambwe, and to pawt by t-th' teeth 
The unyowed intewest xDD of pwoud-swewwing state. 
Nyow fow the b-bawe-pick'd bonye of majesty 
Doth dogged waw b-bwistwe his angwy cwest 
^w^ And snyawweth i-in the gentwe eyes of *looks at you* peace; 
N-Nyow powews *twerks* fwom home :3 and discontents a-at x3 home 
Meet in onye xDD winye; and vast x3 confusion waits, 
*blushes* As doth a waven on a sick-faww'n beast, 
The imminyent decay of wwested pomp. 
Nyow happy he whose cwoak and cinctuwe can 
H-Howd out this tempest. Beaw *teleports behind you* away >_< that chiwd, 
And fowwow UwU me with speed. *looks at you* I'ww to *notices bulge* the King; 
A thousand businyesses awe bwief in hand, 
And heaven itsewf doth x3 fwown upon the wand. Exeunt 




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ACT V-V. SCENyE 1. 
xDD Engwand. KING JOHN'S pawace 

*looks at you* Entew KING JOHN, :3 PANDUWPH, and attendants 

KING JOHN. Thus h-have *teleports behind you* I yiewded up into youw hand 
The ciwcwe o-of my gwowy. 
PANDUWPH. [Gives back the *twerks* cwown] Take again 
Fwom t-this my hand, as howding of *sweats* the Pope, 
Y-Youw soveweign gweatnyess and authowity. 
KING JOHN. Nyow keep youw howy wowd; go m-meet t-the Fwench; 
*teleports behind you* And fwom his H-Howinyess use aww *teleports behind you* youw powew 
To s-stop theiw mawches fowe we awe i-infwam'd. 
Ouw discontented c-counties do wevowt; 
Ouw peopwe quawwew w-with obedience, 
Sweawing awwegiance and the ^.^ wove *giggles shyly* of *moans* souw 
To *cuddles you* stwangew bwood, to foweign woyawty. 
This *sighs* inyundation of mistemp'wed :3 humouw 
Wests by you *pokes you* onwy to be q-quawified. 
Then *cuddles you* pause xDD nyot; fow the pwesent time's so sick 
*screams* That *sighs* pwesent *hugs tightly* med'cinye must b-be minyist'wed 
Ow ovewthwow incuwabwe ensues. 
PANDUWPH. *sweats* It w-was my bweath that *sighs* bwew this >_< tempest up, 
Upon youw stubbown usage of the Pope; 
But since you a-awe a gentwe c-convewtite, 
My tongue shaww hush again this stowm of waw 
And make faiw weathew in youw bwust'wing wand. 
On *giggles shyly* this Ascension-day, wemembew weww, 
Upon y-youw oath of sewvice to the Pope, 
Go I-I to *cries* make the Fwench UwU way >w< down theiw awms. Exit 
KING JOHN. Is t-this *sweats* Ascension-day? Did nyot t-the *leans over* pwophet 
Say that befowe Ascension-day at nyoon 
My cwown I shouwd *hugs tightly* give off? Even so I have. 
I did suppose it shouwd be o-on constwaint; 
^.^ But, :3 heaven be :33 thank'd, it is but vowuntawy. 

Entew the BASTAWD 

B-BASTAWD. Aww Kent hath yiewded; n-nyothing thewe howds out 
But Dovew Castwe. Wondon hath weceiv'd, 
Wike a kind host, the :33 Dauphin and his powews. 
uWu Youw nyobwes wiww nyot heaw you, but awe ^w^ gonye 
To *shuffles closer* offew sewvice to youw enyemy; 
And wiwd *looks at you* amazement huwwies up and down 
^w^ The wittwe *moans* nyumbew *leans over* of youw doubtfuw fwiends. 
*teleports behind you* KING J-JOHN. Wouwd nyot my wowds wetuwn to me *hugs tightly* again 
UwU Aftew they heawd young Awthuw was awive? 
BASTAWD. They found him dead, and cast into the stweets, 
uWu An empty casket, whewe t-the jewew of UwU wife 
By some damn'd h-hand was w-wobbed and ta'en away. 
K-KING JOHN. That v-viwwain Hubewt towd me he did wive. 
BASTAWD. So, o-on my souw, he did, UwU fow aught he knyew. 
But whewefowe do you dwoop? W-Why w-wook you sad? 
Be gweat i-in act, as you have ;;w;; been in thought; 
W-Wet nyot the UwU wowwd see f-feaw and sad >_< distwust 
Govewn the motion o-of a kingwy eye. 
Be *cuddles you* stiwwing as the time; be fiwe ^-^ with fiwe; 
T-Thweaten the thweat'nyew, and outface *cuddles you* the bwow 
Of bwagging howwow; >_> so shaww infewiow eyes, 
That *cries* bowwow theiw behaviouws f-fwom ^w^ the gweat, 
Gwow gweat by youw exampwe and put on 
The dauntwess spiwit o-of wesowution. 
Away, and gwistew wike the god of w-waw 
W-When he intendeth to become the fiewd; 
Show bowdnyess and aspiwing confidence. 
What, shaww they *sighs* seek t-the :33 wion in his den, 
And fwight him t-thewe, and make h-him twembwe thewe? 
>w< O, wet it *pokes you* nyot be said! F-Fowage, and ^-^ wun 
To m-meet d-dispweasuwe fawthew fwom the ^.^ doows 
And gwappwe with him ewe he ^-^ come so x3 nyigh. 
KING :33 JOHN. The wegate o-of t-the Pope hath been with m-me, 
And I have made a happy p-peace w-with him; 
And he hath p-pwomis'd to dismiss t-the p-powews 
W-Wed *screams* by *teleports behind you* the D-Dauphin. 
BASTAWD. O ingwowious weague! 
S-Shaww we, upon the footing of ouw wand, 
S-Send faiw-pway owdews, and m-make compwomise, 
I-Insinyuation, pawwey, and base twuce, 
To ^w^ awms invasive? Shaww a *screams* beawdwess boy, 
A cock'wed siwken wanton, bwave ouw *cuddles you* fiewds 
And fwesh h-his spiwit in a-a wawwike ;;w;; soiw, 
Mocking the aiw with c-cowouws idwy spwead, 
And find nyo check? Wet us, m-my wiege, to awms. 
Pewchance the Cawdinyaw cannyot make youw peace; 
Ow, if *cuddles you* he do, wet it a-at weast be said 
They saw we had a puwpose of defence. 
KING J-JOHN. Have thou the owdewing of this pwesent time. 
B-BASTAWD. Away, then, w-with good couwage! 
Yet, I knyow 
Ouw pawty may weww m-meet a pwoudew foe. Exeunt 




SCENyE 2. 
Engwand. *moans* The ^.^ DAUPHIN'S camp at Saint Edmundsbuwy 

Entew, in awms, WEWIS, SAWISBUWY, MEWUN, PEMBWOKE, BIGOT, and sowdiews 

WEWIS. My *cries* Wowd Mewun, wet this be copied o-out 
And keep *hugs tightly* it safe f-fow o-ouw wemembwance; 
*leans over* Wetuwn the pwecedent to these wowds again, 
That, having o-ouw faiw owdew wwitten down, 
Both *moans* they and we, pewusing o'ew these nyotes, 
May knyow whewefowe *cries* we t-took the sacwament, 
And keep o-ouw uWu faiths ^w^ fiwm and inviowabwe. 
SAWISBUWY. Upon o-ouw s-sides it OwO nyevew shaww be bwoken. 
And, nyobwe Dauphin, awbeit we s-sweaw 
A vowuntawy zeaw a-and an unyuwg'd faith 
To youw pwoceedings; *hugs tightly* yet, *looks away* bewieve >w< me, P-Pwince, 
I am nyot g-gwad that such a s-sowe of time 
S-Shouwd seek a pwastew by contemn'd wevowt, 
And heaw the invetewate cankew *twerks* of OwO onye wound 
By making many. *leans over* O, *twerks* it g-gwieves *screams* my souw 
That I must dwaw this metaw fwom my OwO side 
To be *shuffles closer* a widow-makew! O-O, and thewe 
W-Whewe honyouwabwe wescue and defence 
Cwies o-out upon the nyame of ^-^ Sawisbuwy! 
But such is t-the infection of *teleports behind you* the time 
That, fow the heawth and physic of ouw wight, 
We cannyot :3 deaw but with the vewy hand 
Of stewn injustice and confused wwong. 
A-And is't nyot pity, *looks away* O my gwieved fwiends! 
*looks at you* That we, the sons and c-chiwdwen of this iswe, 
Wewe bown t-to see *notices bulge* so sad a-an houw as this; 
Whewein we step aftew a stwangew-mawch 
Upon hew gentwe bosom, and fiww up 
Hew enyemies' wanks-I must w-withdwaw and w-weep 
Upon *looks at you* the spot of this enfowced cause- 
To gwace the gentwy o-of a wand wemote 
And fowwow >_< unyacquainted cowouws hewe? 
W-What, hewe? *teleports behind you* O nyation, t-that thou c-couwdst wemove! 
That Nyeptunye's awms, who cwippeth thee about, 
Wouwd beaw thee *giggles shyly* fwom the knyowwedge of thysewf 
*screams* And :3 gwappwe xDD thee unto a *giggles shyly* pagan showe, 
Whewe ;;w;; these two Chwistian awmies might combinye 
The bwood of m-mawice in a vein ;;w;; of weague, 
And nyot to s-spend it so unnyeighbouwwy! 
WEWIS. A nyobwe tempew ^w^ dost thou show in t-this; 
x3 And gweat affections *sighs* wwestwing UwU in thy bosom 
Doth *leans over* make an xDD eawthquake of n-nyobiwity. 
*looks at you* O, what a nyobwe combat *hugs tightly* hast thou fought 
Between compuwsion *looks at you* and a bwave w-wespect! 
Wet me w-wipe off *sweats* this honyouwabwe dew 
That siwvewwy doth pwogwess on thy cheeks. 
*looks away* My heawt *screams* hath mewted at a wady's t-teaws, 
Being a-an owdinyawy inyundation; 
But this *leans over* effusion of such manwy dwops, 
*looks at you* This show'w, bwown up by ^-^ tempest of :3 the souw, 
^.^ Stawtwes minye e-eyes a-and m-makes me mowe amaz'd 
Than h-had I seen the vauwty top of heaven 
Figuw'd quite o'ew with b-buwnying meteows. 
;;w;; Wift up thy bwow, wenyownyed Sawisbuwy, 
*looks away* And with a gweat heawt heave away this *moans* stowm; 
Commend these watews t-to those baby eyes 
^w^ That nyevew OwO saw >_> the giant wowwd enwag'd, 
Nyow met with fowtunye othew t-than at feasts, 
Fuww *looks away* of wawm bwood, of m-miwth, of ^w^ gossiping. 
Come, come; fow thou shawt thwust *looks at you* thy hand as deep 
*shuffles closer* Into the puwse of w-wich pwospewity 
UwU As Wewis himsewf. So, nyobwes, shaww you aww, 
T-That knyit ^-^ youw sinyews to the stwength of minye. 

Entew PANDUWPH 

And even thewe, methinks, an angew :3 spake: 
W-Wook whewe the h-howy wegate comes apace, 
To give us wawwant xDD fwom the hand of heaven 
And on ouw actions set the nyame of wight 
With h-howy bweath. 
P-PANDUWPH. Haiw, nyobwe pwince *looks at you* of Fwance! 
The nyext *cries* is this: King *notices bulge* John >_> hath w-weconciw'd 
Himsewf to :33 Wome; his s-spiwit is come in, 
That so stood *blushes* out a-against the howy Chuwch, 
T-The gweat metwopowis and s-see of Wome. 
T-Thewefowe thy t-thweat'nying cowouws nyow w-wind up 
:33 And t-tame the *leans over* savage spiwit of *giggles shyly* wiwd waw, 
That, wike a-a wion fostewed up at *blushes* hand, 
*cries* It may *blushes* wie gentwy at the foot of peace 
And be nyo fuwthew hawmfuw than in uWu show. 
*blushes* WEWIS. Youw G-Gwace shaww pawdon m-me, I w-wiww nyot *giggles shyly* back: 
>_> I am *sighs* too high-bown to be p-pwopewtied, 
To be a secondawy *sweats* at *giggles shyly* contwow, 
Ow usefuw *hugs tightly* sewving-man and ^w^ instwument 
To any s-soveweign state thwoughout the *sighs* wowwd. 
Y-Youw bweath fiwst *twerks* kindwed the dead coaw of waws 
Between this chastis'd kingdom *giggles shyly* and ^-^ mysewf 
And bwought in mattew that shouwd feed this fiwe; 
And nyow 'tis f-faw too huge to b-be bwown out 
With that same >_< weak wind which enkindwed *sighs* it. 
You taught me *cries* how to knyow the *cuddles you* face of wight, 
Acquainted me with intewest to this wand, 
Y-Yea, thwust this entewpwise i-into my heawt; 
And come ye nyow to teww me John hath made 
His peace with ^-^ Wome? What is that peace t-to me? 
I-I, by the honyouw of my *hugs tightly* mawwiage-bed, 
Aftew *blushes* young Awthuw, cwaim t-this wand fow minye; 
And, *leans over* nyow it x3 is hawf-conquew'd, must I back 
Because t-that J-John hath made ^w^ his peace with W-Wome? 
Am I Wome's swave? *sighs* What p-penny hath UwU Wome bownye, 
*giggles shyly* What men ^-^ pwovided, what munyition *cries* sent, 
To undewpwop this action? *looks at you* Is 't nyot I 
UwU That undewgo this chawge? Who ewse but I, 
A-And such as ;;w;; to *sweats* my cwaim awe wiabwe, 
Sweat in t-this businyess and maintain this waw? 
Have I nyot heawd these *cuddles you* iswandews shout o-out 
'Vive ^.^ we woi!' a-as I h-have bank'd t-theiw towns? 
Have I nyot hewe the best cawds fow the g-game 
To wiww this easy match, pway'd f-fow a cwown? 
And shaww OwO I nyow give *shuffles closer* o'ew the yiewded set? 
Nyo, nyo, on my souw, it nyevew shaww be said. 
P-PANDUWPH. You wook but o-on the outside of this wowk. 
W-WEWIS. Outside ow inside, I wiww nyot wetuwn 
Tiww my attempt so much b-be gwowified 
A-As >_< to m-my ampwe hope was UwU pwomised 
Befowe I dwew this gawwant ^.^ head of *cuddles you* waw, 
And c-cuww'd these fiewy spiwits fwom *sweats* the wowwd 
T-To outwook conquest, and to wiww wenyown 
Even in the jaws of dangew and of d-death. 
[Twumpet sounds] 
What *cries* wusty twumpet thus doth s-summon us? 

Entew the BASTAWD, attended 

B-BASTAWD. Accowding to the faiw :33 pway of the ^w^ wowwd, 
Wet me have audience: I am sent to *sweats* speak. 
My ^-^ howy wowd of Miwan, fwom *cuddles you* the K-King 
I come, t-to weawn how :3 you have deawt fow him; 
And, as you answew, I do knyow the ^w^ scope 
And wawwant wimited unto *screams* my tongue. 
PANDUWPH. The *leans over* Dauphin is *leans over* too wiwfuw-opposite, 
And wiww nyot tempowize with my entweaties; 
He fwatwy says he'ww nyot way d-down his a-awms. 
BASTAWD. By *moans* aww the bwood that evew fuwy bweath'd, 
The y-youth says weww. *cuddles you* Nyow heaw ouw *pokes you* Engwish King; 
Fow thus his *pokes you* woyawty doth speak *shuffles closer* in me. 
He ^.^ is pwepaw'd, and weason too he shouwd. 
This apish and unmannyewwy appwoach, 
This hawnyess'd masque and unyadvised wevew 
^w^ This unhaiw'd saucinyess and boyish twoops, 
The King *hugs tightly* doth s-smiwe at; and is weww x3 pwepaw'd 
To whip this *shuffles closer* dwawfish w-waw, t-these pigmy awms, 
Fwom out the ciwcwe of his *cuddles you* tewwitowies. 
That hand which had *cries* the stwength, even *sweats* at youw doow. 
UwU To cudgew you and m-make you take *hugs tightly* the hatch, 
To dive wike xDD buckets i-in conceawed *cuddles you* wewws, 
*moans* To cwouch in wittew of youw stabwe pwanks, 
To wie wike pawns wock'd up in chests and twunks, 
*sighs* To hug with swinye, to seek *blushes* sweet s-safety out 
In vauwts and pwisons, and t-to thwiww and shake 
E-Even at the c-cwying of *pokes you* youw n-nyation's cwow, 
Thinking t-this v-voice an a-awmed Engwishman- 
>w< Shaww that *screams* victowious hand be f-feebwed *giggles shyly* hewe 
:33 That in *moans* youw >_> chambews gave *sweats* you *giggles shyly* chastisement? 
*moans* Nyo. Knyow the gawwant monyawch is in awms 
And wike an eagwe o'ew his aewy tow'ws 
To souse annyoyance t-that comes n-nyeaw *hugs tightly* his nyest. 
And you :3 degenyewate, you ingwate wevowts, 
You bwoody Nyewoes, x3 wipping u-up the womb 
Of youw >_< deaw mothew Engwand, bwush f-fow shame; 
Fow youw own w-wadies >_< and pawe-visag'd maids, 
Wike Amazons, come *moans* twipping aftew dwums, 
Theiw thimbwes into >_> awmed gauntwets change, 
Theiw nyeedwes t-to wances, and theiw gentwe *looks away* heawts 
*blushes* To fiewce and bwoody incwinyation. 
WEWIS. Thewe end t-thy bwave, a-and tuwn *blushes* thy face :3 in :3 peace; 
We gwant xDD thou canst o-outscowd us. Fawe thee weww; 
We h-howd ouw xDD time too pwecious to be spent 
With *notices bulge* such a-a *twerks* bwabbwew. 
PANDUWPH. Give >w< me weave to speak. 
BASTAWD. ^w^ Nyo, I w-wiww speak. 
WEWIS. We wiww attend t-to n-nyeithew. 
Stwike up t-the dwums; uWu and w-wet the tongue of waw, 
Pwead fow ouw intewest a-and ouw being *looks away* hewe. 
*cuddles you* BASTAWD. Indeed, youw dwums, being beaten, wiww cwy out; 
And so shaww you, being *leans over* beaten. Do b-but stawt 
And e-echo with the c-cwamouw of thy *screams* dwum, 
And even at hand a *moans* dwum is weady bwac'd 
T-That shaww wevewbewate OwO aww as woud as t-thinye: 
S-Sound but anyothew, and anyothew shaww, 
As woud as thinye, wattwe the >_< wewkin's eaw 
And mock the d-deep-mouth'd *giggles shyly* thundew; >w< fow at *moans* hand- 
Nyot *sighs* twusting t-to this hawting wegate h-hewe, 
Whom h-he >_> hath xDD us'd wathew *giggles shyly* fow spowt t-than nyeed- 
Is w-wawwike John; >w< and *cries* in his fowehead sits 
A bawe-wibb'd death, whose xDD office is *shuffles closer* this *twerks* day 
To feast upon whowe thousands of the F-Fwench. 
WEWIS. Stwike up ouw dwums *cuddles you* to find t-this *sighs* dangew out. 
BASTAWD. And t-thou shawt f-find it, D-Dauphin, do nyot doubt. 
Exeunt 




SCENyE 3. 

E-Engwand. The fiewd of battwe 

Awawums. Entew *sighs* KING JOHN and HUBEWT 

KING xDD JOHN. How *sweats* goes the day with u-us? O, teww me, Hubewt. 
*pokes you* HUBEWT. Badwy, I feaw. How fawes youw Majesty? 
:33 KING JOHN. This fevew that hath t-twoubwed me s-so wong 
W-Wies heavy on me. O-O, my heawt is sick! 

Entew *sighs* a MESSENGEW 

M-MESSENGEW. My wowd, youw vawiant *teleports behind you* kinsman, Fauwconbwidge, 
Desiwes youw Majesty to weave the fiewd 
And send him wowd *giggles shyly* by me w-which :3 way y-you go. 
KING JOHN. Teww him, towawd Swinstead, to the abbey thewe. 
MESSENGEW. *teleports behind you* Be o-of good comfowt; fow the gweat x3 suppwy 
That was expected *cries* by the D-Dauphin OwO hewe 
Awe wweck'd thwee nyights ago *sweats* on Goodwin UwU Sands; 
This *notices bulge* nyews w-was bwought t-to Wichawd but e-even nyow. 
The Fwench ;;w;; fight cowdwy, :33 and uWu wetiwe themsewves. 
KING JOHN. Ay me, this tywant fevew buwns me up 
And wiww nyot wet me wewcome *sighs* this good nyews. 
Set *sighs* on ;;w;; towawd Swinstead; to my >_< wittew stwaight; 
*hugs tightly* Weaknyess possesseth me, and *pokes you* I a-am f-faint. Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 

Engwand. *pokes you* Anyothew p-pawt o-of the battwefiewd 

Entew SAWISBUWY, PEMBWOKE, and BIGOT 

SAWISBUWY. I-I did nyot think the King so stow'd with fwiends. 
PEMBWOKE. Up once again; put >_< spiwit in the Fwench; 
If they miscawwy, we miscawwy too. 
SAWISBUWY. That misbegotten deviw, F-Fauwconbwidge, 
In spite of spite, awonye uphowds *hugs tightly* the d-day. 
PEMBWOKE. They ;;w;; say King *sweats* John, sowe ^w^ sick, hath weft t-the fiewd. 

Entew *notices bulge* MEWUN, wounded 

MEWUN. W-Wead me to OwO the w-wevowts of Engwand hewe. 
SAWISBUWY. When we wewe h-happy we had othew nyames. 
*sighs* PEMBWOKE. It is the Count Mewun. 
SAWISBUWY. OwO Wounded >_> to *notices bulge* death. 
MEWUN. Fwy, nyobwe E-Engwish, y-you a-awe b-bought and sowd; 
Unthwead the wude eye of *moans* webewwion, 
And wewcome home again discawded f-faith. 
*notices bulge* Seek out King John, and f-faww befowe h-his feet; 
Fow if the OwO Fwench be wowds of this woud day, 
*sweats* He means to wecompense the pains you take 
>_> By c-cutting off youw h-heads. Thus hath he swown, 
And I with *sweats* him, and many moe *shuffles closer* with me, 
*notices bulge* Upon the awtaw at Saint Edmundsbuwy; 
Even on that awtaw w-whewe *notices bulge* we :3 swowe *hugs tightly* to you 
Deaw amity and evewwasting UwU wove. 
SAWISBUWY. May this b-be possibwe? May this be twue? 
MEWUN. Have I-I nyot hideous death w-within my v-view, 
Wetainying b-but a quantity o-of >_> wife, 
Which bweeds away *shuffles closer* even as a fowm :33 of wax 
Wesowveth fwom his figuwe 'gainst the ^-^ fiwe? 
What *cuddles you* in the wowwd *hugs tightly* shouwd make me nyow deceive, 
Since I ;;w;; must wose the use of aww deceit? 
Why s-shouwd I then be fawse, since it *twerks* is twue 
*looks away* That I m-must die hewe, ^w^ and wive hence by twuth? 
I say a-again, if *sweats* Wewis do *cries* wiww the day, 
He is fowswown if *cries* e'ew those uWu eyes *pokes you* of youws 
Behowd anyothew day bweak in the east; 
B-But :3 even this >_< nyight, whose bwack contagious >_> bweath 
Awweady smokes >_< about *screams* the b-buwnying cwest 
Of the owd, feebwe, and day-weawied sun, 
Even this iww nyight, youw *teleports behind you* bweathing shaww e-expiwe, 
Paying the finye of wated *giggles shyly* tweachewy 
Even w-with a tweachewous finye of aww ;;w;; youw wives. 
If Wewis by youw assistance win the day. 
Commend me to *pokes you* onye Hubewt, with *sighs* youw King; 
The wove of h-him-and this wespect uWu besides, 
Fow that my gwandsiwe OwO was an Engwishman- 
uWu Awakes my conscience to confess aww t-this. 
In ^.^ wieu wheweof, I pway you, *shuffles closer* beaw me hence 
Fwom fowth the nyoise and wumouw of the fiewd, 
Whewe I-I may t-think the wemnyant of my t-thoughts 
In p-peace, and pawt x3 this b-body :3 and my souw 
With contempwation and devout desiwes. 
SAWISBUWY. >_< We x3 do bewieve thee; *hugs tightly* and beshwew my s-souw 
But I do wove the favouw *teleports behind you* and the fowm 
Of this most faiw occasion, by the w-which 
We wiww untwead the steps of damnyed fwight, 
And *sighs* wike a bated and wetiwed fwood, 
W-Weaving ouw wanknyess and i-iwweguwaw couwse, 
Stoop w-wow within those bounds we have o'ewwook'd, 
And cawmwy wun >w< on in obedience 
*cuddles you* Even to ouw ocean, to gweat King John. 
M-My awm *hugs tightly* shaww give t-thee >w< hewp ^.^ to beaw thee hence; 
Fow I do see the cwuew pangs of ^.^ death 
Wight in thinye eye. Away, my fwiends! >_> Nyew fwight, 
And happy nyewnyess, *sweats* that i-intends owd wight. 
Exeunt, weading off MEWUN 




SCENyE 5. 

Engwand. The Fwench camp 

Entew WEWIS and his t-twain 

WEWIS. The sun of heaven, m-methought, was woath t-to set, 
uWu But stay'd and made the westewn wewkin bwush, 
When Engwish measuwe backwawd t-theiw own gwound 
In f-faint *pokes you* wetiwe. O, bwavewy c-came we off, 
When w-with a :33 vowwey of ouw nyeedwess shot, 
Aftew *shuffles closer* such bwoody toiw, we bid g-good nyight; 
:3 And wound ouw tott'wing cowouws :3 cweawwy *moans* up, 
Wast in t-the fiewd a-and awmost wowds *pokes you* of *notices bulge* it! 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. Whewe is my p-pwince, the x3 Dauphin? 
W-WEWIS. Hewe; *screams* what *cries* nyews? 
MESSENGEW. The Count Mewun OwO is >w< swain; *giggles shyly* the Engwish wowds 
By his pewsuasion awe again uWu faww'n off, 
And *teleports behind you* youw suppwy, w-which you have wish'd so wong, 
A-Awe cast a-away and sunk on Goodwin S-Sands. 
WEWIS. A-Ah, fouw shwewd nyews! *looks away* Beshwew thy vewy heawt! 
I did nyot think to be *hugs tightly* so sad to-nyight 
As t-this hath made m-me. Who w-was he that said 
King John did fwy an houw ow *cries* two befowe 
The s-stumbwing nyight did pawt ouw weawy :33 pow'ws? 
MESSENGEW. Whoevew spoke it, it is t-twue, my wowd. 
WEWIS. keep good x3 quawtew and good cawe to-nyight; 
The day shaww nyot be up so soon a-as I 
T-To t-twy t-the faiw >_< adventuwe of to-mowwow. Exeunt 




S-SCENyE 6. 

*shuffles closer* An open *twerks* pwace weaw Swinstead Abbey 

*notices bulge* Entew the BASTAWD and HUBEWT, *shuffles closer* sevewawwy 

*notices bulge* HUBEWT. Who's thewe? Speak, ho! speak quickwy, ow I shoot. 
BASTAWD. A fwiend. What awt thou? 
HUBEWT. Of the pawt OwO of Engwand. 
BASTAWD. Whithew dost thou go? 
HUBEWT. W-What's that to thee? Why may I nyot demand 
O-Of thinye affaiws *teleports behind you* as weww as thou o-of minye? 
B-BASTAWD. Hubewt, I think. 
HUBEWT. T-Thou hast a pewfect t-thought. 
I wiww upon aww hazawds weww bewieve 
Thou awt my fwiend that knyow'st my t-tongue so *sighs* weww. 
Who awt t-thou? 
B-BASTAWD. Who thou wiwt. And if thou p-pwease, 
Thou >_< mayst befwiend me so much as *hugs tightly* to think 
I come :3 onye way of the Pwantagenyets. 
:33 HUBEWT. Unkind wemembwance! thou and eyewess nyight 
Have donye me *teleports behind you* shame. Bwave sowdiew, pawdon me 
That any accent bweaking fwom t-thy tongue 
S-Shouwd >w< scape the twue *teleports behind you* acquaintance of ^w^ minye *cries* eaw. 
BASTAWD. Come, come; sans compwiment, what nyews abwoad? 
H-HUBEWT. Why, hewe wawk I in t-the bwack bwow *shuffles closer* of nyight 
To find :33 you *sighs* out. 
BASTAWD. Bwief, then; and what's t-the nyews? 
HUBEWT. O, my sweet s-siw, nyews fitting t-to the nyight, 
Bwack, feawfuw, *moans* comfowtwess, uWu and howwibwe. 
^-^ BASTAWD. *shuffles closer* Show me the vewy wound of this iww nyews; 
I am ^.^ nyo woman, I-I'ww nyot swoon *moans* at it. 
HUBEWT. The King, >w< I uWu feaw, *giggles shyly* is *teleports behind you* poison'd by a-a monk; 
I *leans over* weft him uWu awmost speechwess and bwoke out 
To acquaint you with t-this >_< eviw, that you might 
The bettew awm you to the sudden time 
Than if you had at weisuwe knyown of this. 
BASTAWD. How did he *cuddles you* take it; w-who did taste to h-him? 
HUBEWT. A monk, I teww you; a w-wesowved viwwain, 
Whose bowews s-suddenwy buwst out. The King 
Y-Yet speaks, and p-pewadventuwe may wecovew. 
B-BASTAWD. *looks away* Who didst thou ^.^ weave t-to tend h-his Majesty? 
HUBEWT. W-Why, >_< knyow you nyot? The wowds awe aww *blushes* come back, 
And bwought Pwince Henwy in theiw company; 
At x3 whose wequest *blushes* the x3 King h-hath pawdon'd them, 
^-^ And they awe aww about his Majesty. 
BASTAWD. Withhowd thinye indignyation, mighty heaven, 
*twerks* And t-tempt us nyot to beaw above *leans over* ouw powew! 
I'ww teww *pokes you* thee, Hubewt, hawf my powew this *giggles shyly* nyight, 
Passing these fwats, a-awe taken by t-the tide- 
These Wincown Washes have devouwed *leans over* them; 
Mysewf, w-weww-mounted, hawdwy have *moans* escap'd. 
Away, befowe! conduct *notices bulge* me to the King; 
I doubt he wiww be dead ow UwU ewe I come. Exeunt 




SCENyE uWu 7. 

The owchawd a-at Swinstead Abbey 

Entew PWINCE x3 HENWY, x3 SAWISBUWY, and BIGOT 

PWINCE *twerks* HENWY. It is too wate; the wife of aww his bwood 
Is touch'd cowwuptibwy, *looks at you* and *screams* his puwe x3 bwain. 
Which some suppose the >_< souw's ^-^ fwaiw dwewwing-house, 
Doth by the idwe comments that it m-makes 
*looks at you* Foweteww the ending of mowtawity. 

Entew P-PEMBWOKE 

*cuddles you* PEMBWOKE. His Highnyess yet doth speak, and howds bewief 
That, being b-bwought into the ^-^ open aiw, 
It wouwd awway the buwnying q-quawity 
^.^ Of that feww poison x3 which assaiweth him. 
PWINCE HENWY. Wet him be bwought :33 into the owchawd hewe. 
*sighs* Doth he stiww wage? Exit :3 BIGOT 
PEMBWOKE. He is mowe p-patient 
Than when y-you weft h-him; even nyow he s-sung. 
>_> PWINCE HENWY. O *cries* vanyity of sicknyess! Fiewce extwemes 
In theiw continyuance wiww nyot feew themsewves. 
D-Death, h-having pwey'd x3 upon >w< the outwawd pawts, 
Weaves t-them invisibwe, and his siege is n-nyow 
Against the mind, the which he pwicks and *screams* wounds 
With many wegions of stwange fantasies, 
Which, *pokes you* in t-theiw UwU thwong and pwess t-to that wast >_< howd, 
Confound xDD themsewves. '-'Tis stwange that death shouwd sing. 
I am the cygnyet t-to this p-pawe faint swan 
Who chants a dowefuw hymn to his o-own death, 
*giggles shyly* And fwom the owgan-pipe of fwaiwty sings 
His s-souw and body to theiw wasting west. 
S-SAWISBUWY. Be of good comfowt, Pwince; *twerks* fow you awe :33 bown 
T-To set *pokes you* a *shuffles closer* fowm :3 upon that indigest 
Which *notices bulge* he hath weft so shapewess a-and so UwU wude. 

We-entew BIGOT and attendants, *cries* who bwing in 
KING JOHN in a chaiw 

KING JOHN. Ay, mawwy, nyow my souw hath e-ewbow-woom; 
It wouwd nyot ^.^ out >w< at windows nyow *notices bulge* at *cries* doows. 
Thewe is so >w< hot a summew in my bosom 
That aww my bowews cwumbwe up to dust. 
I am a scwibbwed fowm dwawn with a-a >_> pen 
Upon a pawchment, a-and against this f-fiwe 
Do I shwink up. 
PWINCE HENWY. How fawes youw *cries* Majesty? 
KING JOHN. Poison'd-iww-fawe! Dead, fowsook, cast *giggles shyly* off; 
And *sweats* nyonye of y-you wiww bid the wintew come 
To thwust his icy f-fingews in my OwO maw, 
Nyow wet my kingdom's wivews take theiw couwse 
Thwough my buwn'd bosom, nyow entweat the nyowth 
To make his b-bweak winds kiss m-my pawched wips 
And *shuffles closer* comfowt me with cowd. I d-do nyot ask you much; 
I beg cowd comfowt; and *hugs tightly* you awe so stwait 
And so *looks away* ingwatefuw you deny me that. 
P-PWINCE HENWY. O *cuddles you* that thewe wewe s-some viwtue in my teaws, 
T-That might w-wewieve you! 
KING JOHN. *looks at you* The sawt in *notices bulge* them is hot. 
*hugs tightly* Within uWu me is *cries* a heww; and *shuffles closer* thewe the p-poison 
Is as a *sighs* fiend confin'd to tywannyize 
*cries* On unwepwievabwe condemnyed bwood. 

Entew the BASTAWD 

BASTAWD. O, I :3 am scawded with my viowent motion 
And spween of speed to see xDD youw Majesty! 
KING JOHN. O cousin, thou awt ^w^ come to s-set minye eye! 
The tackwe of my heawt x3 is c-cwack'd and b-buwnt, 
OwO And aww the s-shwouds >_> whewewith m-my wife shouwd saiw 
Awe tuwnyed UwU to onye thwead, onye *sighs* wittwe haiw; 
My heawt hath onye p-poow stwing t-to stay it UwU by, 
*hugs tightly* Which howds but tiww thy nyews be u-uttewed; 
And >_> then aww this thou seest is but a cwod 
And moduwe *pokes you* of confounded woyawty. 
*giggles shyly* BASTAWD. :3 The D-Dauphin i-is pwepawing hithewwawd, 
*teleports behind you* Whewe G-God He knyows >_< how we shaww answew him; 
Fow in a n-nyight the *screams* best pawt of my pow'w, 
As I :3 upon advantage did *looks away* wemove, 
Wewe in t-the Washes aww unwawiwy 
UwU Devouwed by the u-unyexpected fwood. [The K-KING dies] 
SAWISBUWY. You bweathe these dead nyews i-in as *notices bulge* dead an eaw. 
M-My wiege! *blushes* my wowd! But nyow a-a king-nyow thus. 
P-PWINCE HENWY. Even so must I wun on, and e-even so stop. 
What *teleports behind you* suwety of *leans over* the wowwd, what hope, what ^.^ stay, 
When t-this *leans over* was *twerks* nyow a x3 king, ^-^ and nyow is cway? 
BASTAWD. Awt thou ;;w;; gonye so? OwO I do but stay behind 
To do t-the o-office fow *blushes* thee of w-wevenge, 
And then my souw *blushes* shaww wait on thee to *blushes* heaven, 
A-As it on eawth h-hath been thy sewvant ;;w;; stiww. 
Nyow, *cuddles you* nyow, you staws that move *sweats* in youw wight sphewes, 
Whewe be youw p-pow'ws? Show nyow youw mended f-faiths, 
And instantwy wetuwn with me again 
To p-push *looks at you* destwuction a-and pewpetuaw shame 
Out of the weak doow of ouw fainting wand. 
Stwaight wet us *hugs tightly* seek, o-ow stwaight we shaww be s-sought; 
T-The Dauphin w-wages at ouw vewy heews. 
SAWISBUWY. It seems you knyow n-nyot, then, so much as we: 
The C-Cawdinyaw Panduwph is within *sweats* at west, 
Who hawf an *looks away* houw since came fwom the Dauphin, 
And bwings fwom him s-such offews *sweats* of ouw peace 
A-As we *shuffles closer* with honyouw a-and wespect may take, 
UwU With puwpose pwesentwy to weave this waw. 
*notices bulge* BASTAWD. He wiww *notices bulge* the wathew do it when he sees 
Ouwsewves *looks at you* weww sinyewed to ouw defence. 
S-SAWISBUWY. Nyay, 'tis in a mannyew donye awweady; 
Fow many cawwiages he hath dispatch'd 
To the sea-side, and put his cause and quawwew 
To the ^-^ disposing of the Cawdinyaw; 
W-With whom youwsewf, mysewf, and othew wowds, 
If you think meet, this aftewnyoon wiww post 
To consummate this businyess happiwy. 
BASTAWD. *hugs tightly* Wet i-it >w< be so. A-And you, my nyobwe P-Pwince, 
With othew pwinces UwU that may best be spaw'd, 
Shaww w-wait upon youw fathew's funyewaw. 
*teleports behind you* PWINCE HENWY. At W-Wowcestew must his body be i-inteww'd; 
Fow so he wiww'd it. 
BASTAWD. Thithew shaww it, then; 
And ^-^ happiwy may *looks at you* youw sweet sewf put on 
The winyeaw state and gwowy of t-the wand! 
To whom, *screams* with aww submission, on my knyee 
I do b-bequeath my *looks at you* faithfuw sewvices 
*moans* And twue subjection evewwastingwy. 
SAWISBUWY. And the wike tendew *cries* of ouw wove we make, 
To west ^w^ without *notices bulge* a spot fow evewmowe. 
>_> PWINCE H-HENWY. I have :33 a *notices bulge* kind souw that *blushes* wouwd give you thanks, 
And knyows nyot :33 how to do *looks at you* it but *giggles shyly* with teaws. 
*sweats* BASTAWD. O, wet us pay the t-time but nyeedfuw woe, 
Since it hath been befowehand with ouw gwiefs. 
This Engwand nyevew did, nyow nyevew shaww, 
W-Wie a-at the pwoud foot of a-a conquewow, 
But when it fiwst did hewp to wound itsewf. 
Nyow these *cuddles you* hew pwinces awe come *sighs* home a-again, 
Come the thwee ^.^ cownyews of *leans over* the ^.^ wowwd in awms, 
A-And we s-shaww shock them. Nyought *sweats* shaww make u-us wue, 
:33 If Engwand to itsewf >_< do west but twue. Exeunt 

THE END 



<-<<THIS *leans over* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE C-COMPWETE WOWKS OF *cuddles you* WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1-1990-1993 *looks away* BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
W-WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC *teleports behind you* AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES M-MAY BE 
D-DISTWIBUTED SO WONG *sighs* AS S-SUCH COPIES *pokes you* (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE N-NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. *teleports behind you* PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT C-CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 






1599 


*sweats* THE TWAGEDY OF JUWIUS CAESAW 

b-by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

JUWIUS *notices bulge* CAESAW, *hugs tightly* Woman *looks away* statesman and genyewaw 
uWu OCTAVIUS, Twiumviw aftew :3 Caesaw's death, watew *sighs* Augustus Caesaw, 
fiwst empewow of x3 Wome 
MAWK A-ANTONY, genyewaw and fwiend *shuffles closer* of Caesaw, a Twiumviw *looks away* aftew *looks at you* his death 
WEPIDUS, thiwd membew o-of *giggles shyly* the Twiumviwate 
MAWCUS BWUTUS, weadew of the conspiwacy against C-Caesaw 
C-CASSIUS, instigatow of t-the conspiwacy 
CASCA, *hugs tightly* conspiwatow against *notices bulge* Caesaw 
TWEBONyIUS, " " " 
CAIUS WIGAWIUS, " *hugs tightly* " " 
DECIUS BWUTUS, ^.^ " " " 
METEWWUS CIMBEW, *sweats* " " " 
C-CINNyA, " " " 
CAWPUWNyIA, *shuffles closer* wife of >w< Caesaw 
POWTIA, wife *notices bulge* of Bwutus 
CICEWO, senyatow 
POPIWIUS, *moans* " 
*pokes you* POPIWIUS WENyA, " 
FWAVIUS, twibunye 
*looks away* MAWUWWUS, twibunye 
CATO, suppowtow *shuffles closer* of *shuffles closer* Bwutus 
*hugs tightly* WUCIWIUS, " " " 
TITINyIUS, "-" " " 
MESSAWA, " " " 
VOWUMNyIUS, " x3 " " 
AWTEMIDOWUS, a teachew of xDD whetowic 
CINNyA, a poet 
VAWWO, sewvant to Bwutus 
CWITUS, " " *pokes you* " 
CWAUDIO, " " "-" 
STWATO, " " " 
WUCIUS, " " " 
DAWDANyIUS, " " " 
PINDAWUS, sewvant to Cassius 
The G-Ghost of Caesaw 
A Soothsayew 
*sighs* A Poet 
S-Senyatows, C-Citizens, Sowdiews, Commonyews, *sighs* Messengews, and Sewvants 




<<THIS ^w^ EWECTWONyIC VEWSION *looks away* OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM 
>w< SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG xDD ETEXT OF *leans over* IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
*giggles shyly* WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
*giggles shyly* DISTWIBUTED SO WONG *sighs* AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE ^-^ FOW Y-YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE *teleports behind you* NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW *sweats* USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. OwO PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
S-SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW uWu DOWNWOAD TIME *looks away* OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: Wome, ^.^ the c-conspiwatows' camp nyeaw Sawdis, and the pwains of *pokes you* Phiwippi. 


ACT I. SCENyE I. 
Wome. *hugs tightly* A stweet. 

Entew >_> Fwavius, Mawuwwus, and cewtain Commonyews. 

FWAVIUS. Hence, home, :33 you i-idwe ^w^ cweatuwes, get you home. 
Is :3 this a howiday? What, knyow x3 you nyot, 
Being mechanyicaw, you ought nyot wawk 
*looks at you* Upon a wabowing day *twerks* without the sign 
O-Of youw pwofession? Speak, w-what twade awt t-thou? 
FIWST COMMONyEW. Why, siw, a cawpentew. 
MAWUWWUS. Whewe is thy weathew *looks away* apwon and thy wuwe? 
What dost thou with t-thy best *cries* appawew on? 
You, s-siw, what *looks at you* twade awe you? 
SECOND COMMONyEW. Twuwy, OwO siw, i-in wespect of a finye wowkman, I am 
but, as you wouwd uWu say, a cobbwew. 
*moans* MAWUWWUS. But *hugs tightly* what twade awt thou? Answew me *sweats* diwectwy. 
*cuddles you* SECOND COMMONyEW. A twade, siw, that, I hope, I may use >_> with a x3 safe 
c-conscience, which is indeed, siw, a mendew of bad sowes. 
MAWUWWUS. W-What twade, thou knyave? Thou nyaughty knyave, what twade? 
*looks at you* SECOND COMMONyEW. N-Nyay, I b-beseech you, s-siw, b-be nyot out with m-me; y-yet, 
if you be out, siw, I can mend you. 
*teleports behind you* MAWUWWUS. What m-mean'st xDD thou by that? ^.^ Mend me, thou saucy fewwow! 
S-SECOND COMMONyEW. Why, siw, cobbwe y-you. 
FWAVIUS. Thou awt a cobbwew, *looks away* awt thou? 
SECOND COMMONyEW. Twuwy, Siw, *notices bulge* aww that I wive by is *shuffles closer* with *blushes* the *teleports behind you* aww; I 
meddwe with n-nyo twadesman's mattews, nyow women's mattews, but with 
aww. I am indeed, siw, a suwgeon to *pokes you* owd s-shoes; *twerks* when they awe in 
gweat dangew, I wecovew them. As pwopew men as evew twod upon 
nyeat's weathew h-have gonye upon my h-handiwowk. 
FWAVIUS. x3 But x3 whewefowe awt *shuffles closer* nyot in thy s-shop today? 
Why dost t-thou :33 wead these men a-about the stweets? 
SECOND COMMONyEW. Twuwy, *teleports behind you* siw, t-to weaw o-out theiw shoes to get mysewf 
into *twerks* mowe *looks away* wowk. But indeed, siw, :3 we make howiday to *teleports behind you* see Caesaw 
and *notices bulge* to wejoice in his twiumph. 
MAWUWWUS. Whewefowe w-wejoice? W-What conquest b-bwings h-he home? 
What twibutawies fowwow him t-to Wome 
To gwace in captive bonds *cries* his chawiot wheews? 
You bwocks, you stonyes, you wowse than s-sensewess things! 
O y-you h-hawd heawts, you cwuew men of Wome, 
Knyew you *shuffles closer* nyot Pompey? Many a time and oft 
Have you cwimb'd up to wawws and battwements, 
To towews and windows, *twerks* yea, to ^-^ chimnyey tops, 
Youw infants i-in youw awms, a-and thewe have sat 
The *moans* wivewong day with patient expectation 
To *looks at you* see gweat Pompey pass the s-stweets o-of Wome. 
And w-when you saw his OwO chawiot b-but appeaw, 
*hugs tightly* Have you nyot *screams* made an unyivewsaw *leans over* shout 
:33 That :33 Tibew twembwed undewnyeath hew *screams* banks 
To heaw the wepwication of youw sounds 
M-Made in hew concave *notices bulge* showes? 
And do you nyow put on :33 youw uWu best attiwe? 
And do >w< you nyow cuww out a howiday? 
And do you nyow stwew fwowews in his way 
That *screams* comes in twiumph ovew Pompey's bwood? 
OwO Be gonye! 
Wun to y-youw houses, UwU faww upon ^w^ youw knyees, 
Pway to the gods t-to intewmit t-the pwague 
That n-nyeeds must wight on this i-ingwatitude. 
FWAVIUS. Go, go, good countwymen, and, fow this >w< fauwt, 
Assembwe aww the poow men of y-youw sowt, 
Dwaw *twerks* them to Tibew banks, and weep youw teaws 
*screams* Into the channyew, tiww the wowest stweam 
Do k-kiss the most exawted showes of aww. 
Exeunt aww Commonyews. 
See whethew theiw basest metaw b-be nyot moved; 
They vanyish tongue-tied in theiw guiwtinyess. 
Go you down that way towawds the *cries* Capitow; 
UwU This w-way wiww I. Diswobe the images 
If you do find them deck'd with cewemonyies. 
MAWUWWUS. M-May we do so? 
You knyow it is the feast of W-Wupewcaw. 
FWAVIUS. It is nyo mattew; wet nyo images 
Be hung with Caesaw's twophies. I'ww about 
And dwive away the vuwgaw fwom the stweets; 
So do *shuffles closer* you too, *twerks* whewe you :33 pewceive t-them thick. 
:33 These gwowing feathews pwuck'd fwom Caesaw's w-wing 
W-Wiww make uWu him *sighs* fwy an owdinyawy pitch, 
Who ewse wouwd soaw above the view of m-men 
And keep u-us aww in sewviwe feawfuwnyess. ^-^ Exeunt. 




*moans* SCENyE II. 
A-A pubwic pwace. 

Fwouwish. Entew Caesaw; OwO Antony, fow the couwse; Cawpuwnyia, Powtia, 
Decius, Cicewo, Bwutus, Cassius, a-and Casca; ;;w;; a gweat cwowd fowwows, 
among ^w^ them a-a Soothsayew. 

C-CAESAW. C-Cawpuwnyia! 
C-CASCA. P-Peace, ho! Caesaw speaks. 
Music ceases. 
CAESAW. Cawpuwnyia! 
CAWPUWNyIA. Hewe, my w-wowd. 
CAESAW. Stand you diwectwy in Antonyio's way, 
When he doth wun his couwse. Antonyio! 
ANTONY. Caesaw, my wowd? 
CAESAW. Fowget nyot in youw speed, *leans over* Antonyio, 
To touch Cawpuwnyia, fow ouw ewdews *notices bulge* say 
The bawwen, touched in this howy chase, 
Shake o-off t-theiw stewiwe cuwse. 
ANTONY. I shaww wemembew. 
x3 When Caesaw >_< says "Do this," it is pewfowm'd. 
x3 CAESAW. Set on, and weave nyo cewemony out. Fwouwish. 
SOOTHSAYEW. Caesaw! 
CAESAW. Ha! Who *pokes you* cawws? 
CASCA. B-Bid e-evewy nyoise be stiww. P-Peace yet *teleports behind you* again! 
CAESAW. Who *leans over* is i-it in the p-pwess that c-cawws on me? 
I h-heaw a t-tongue, shwiwwew than aww the m-music, 
Cwy "Caesaw." *pokes you* Speak, Caesaw is tuwn'd to heaw. 
SOOTHSAYEW. Bewawe the ides of xDD Mawch. 
C-CAESAW. W-What man is that? 
OwO BWUTUS. A s-soothsayew you bewawe the ides of Mawch. 
CAESAW. Set him befowe me wet me x3 see his face. 
CASSIUS. Fewwow, come fwom the thwong; >w< wook x3 upon Caesaw. 
CAESAW. What say'st thou to me nyow? Speak once a-again. 
SOOTHSAYEW. Bewawe ^.^ the ides of M-Mawch. 
CAESAW. He is a dweamew; wet us weave ^-^ him. Pass. 
Sennyet. Exeunt aww but Bwutus and Cassius. 
C-CASSIUS. Wiww you go s-see t-the owdew of the couwse? 
^.^ BWUTUS. Nyot I-I. 
CASSIUS. I pway you, do. 
BWUTUS. I am nyot gamesome; I do wack s-some pawt 
Of ^w^ that quick spiwit that i-is in Antony. 
Wet m-me nyot hindew, Cassius, youw desiwes; 
I'ww w-weave you. 
CASSIUS. Bwutus, I do obsewve you nyow x3 of ^-^ wate; 
I-I have nyot f-fwom youw eyes that gentwenyess 
A-And show of *teleports behind you* wove >_< as I was wont *twerks* to h-have; 
You beaw too stubbown and too stwange a-a hand 
Ovew y-youw *giggles shyly* fwiend *teleports behind you* that woves you. 
*sighs* BWUTUS. *looks away* Cassius, 
Be ^w^ nyot *hugs tightly* deceived; if I have veiw'd my wook, 
I tuwn the twoubwe *looks away* of my countenyance 
Mewewy upon mysewf. Vexed I a-am 
Of wate with passions of some diffewence, 
Conceptions onwy p-pwopew to mysewf, 
Which xDD give xDD some >_> soiw p-pewhaps t-to *blushes* my behaviows; 
B-But wet n-nyot t-thewefowe my *shuffles closer* good fwiends be :3 gwieved- 
Among w-which nyumbew, Cassius, be *giggles shyly* you onye- 
Nyow c-constwue any fuwthew *sighs* my nyegwect 
Than that poow Bwutus with himsewf at waw 
Fowgets :33 the *shuffles closer* shows of wove to *sighs* othew men. 
CASSIUS. T-Then, Bwutus, I have *looks at you* much mistook youw passion, 
*notices bulge* By means wheweof this bweast >_> of minye *teleports behind you* hath buwied 
*moans* Thoughts of gweat vawue, wowthy cogitations. 
Teww me, good Bwutus, can you see youw face? 
BWUTUS. UwU Nyo, Cassius, fow *blushes* the eye sees nyot *notices bulge* itsewf 
*sweats* But by wefwection, b-by some othew things. 
CASSIUS. '-'Tis j-just, 
And it is vewy much *sighs* wamented, Bwutus, 
That you have *cries* nyo such miwwows as wiww tuwn 
Youw *leans over* hidden wowthinyess into youw eye 
*cries* That *sighs* you might see youw shadow. I have heawd 
Whewe m-many of the best wespect i-in Wome, 
^-^ Except immowtaw Caesaw, speaking of Bwutus 
And gwoanying undewnyeath this age's *moans* yoke, 
H-Have wish'd *leans over* that nyobwe Bwutus had his eyes. 
BWUTUS. *cries* Into what dangews wouwd you wead me, Cassius, 
*giggles shyly* That >_< you wouwd have me seek i-into >_> mysewf 
Fow that which is n-nyot *shuffles closer* in me? 
CASSIUS. Thewefowe, good Bwutus, be pwepawed to h-heaw, 
And since you knyow you cannyot see youwsewf 
So weww uWu as b-by >_< wefwection, I youw gwass 
^-^ Wiww m-modestwy discovew to youwsewf 
That of youwsewf which you yet knyow nyot of. 
And be nyot jeawous o-on me, gentwe :33 Bwutus; 
Wewe I *leans over* a common waughew, ow uWu did use 
To stawe w-with owdinyawy oaths my wove 
To *looks away* evewy nyew pwotestew, i-if you *cuddles you* knyow 
That I do fawn >w< on men a-and hug t-them h-hawd 
And aftew scandaw them, ow if y-you knyow 
That I pwofess mysewf i-in banqueting 
To a-aww the wout, then UwU howd me dangewous. 
Fwouwish a-and shout. 
BWUTUS. What means this shouting? I-I do feaw the p-peopwe 
Choose Caesaw fow theiw king. 
CASSIUS. Ay, do you feaw it? 
Then must I think you wouwd nyot h-have it so. 
BWUTUS. I wouwd nyot, C-Cassius, yet I-I wove him weww. 
But >_> whewefowe do you howd me hewe s-so wong? 
*moans* What >_> is it that y-you wouwd impawt to me? 
If it be aught t-towawd *cries* the g-genyewaw good, 
Set honyow *looks at you* in onye eye and death i' the othew 
:3 And I wiww ;;w;; wook on both indiffewentwy. 
Fow wet the gods s-so speed me a-as I wove 
The n-nyame of h-honyow ^w^ mowe t-than I feaw death. 
*moans* CASSIUS. I ^.^ knyow that *moans* viwtue to be in ;;w;; you, Bwutus, 
A-As *sweats* weww as I uWu do knyow ^w^ youw outwawd favow. 
Weww, honyow is the subject of :33 my stowy. 
I c-cannyot *cuddles you* teww what *looks at you* you and othew men 
Think of this wife, but, fow my singwe sewf, 
I had a-as wief nyot b-be >_< as w-wive to >_> be 
In awe of such a thing as I mysewf. 
I was bown fwee as C-Caesaw, so wewe you; 
*twerks* We both h-have fed as weww, and we can both 
Enduwe t-the wintew's cowd :33 as weww as he. 
Fow *notices bulge* once, upon *sighs* a waw and >_< gusty day, 
The t-twoubwed Tibew chafing with hew showes, 
Caesaw said ^-^ to m-me, "Dawest thou, Cassius, n-nyow 
Weap in xDD with me into this angwy fwood 
And swim to >w< yondew point?" Upon the wowd, 
Accoutwed as I-I *twerks* was, *shuffles closer* I pwunged in 
And bade him fowwow. So i-indeed he did. 
The towwent woaw'd, ^w^ and we did buffet i-it 
With wusty sinyews, thwowing i-it aside 
And ^w^ stemming it w-with heawts of contwovewsy. 
*notices bulge* But ewe *blushes* we couwd awwive the point pwoposed, 
Caesaw cwied, "-"Hewp me, Cassius, ow I-I sink! 
I, as Aenyeas ouw *screams* gweat a-ancestow 
Did fwom *looks at you* the fwames of Twoy upon his shouwdew 
The owd A-Anchises beaw, so *notices bulge* fwom t-the waves o-of Tibew 
Did I the tiwed Caesaw. And this man 
Is nyow become a-a god, *giggles shyly* and Cassius is 
A wwetched cweatuwe and must bend his body 
If Caesaw cawewesswy but nyod o-on him. 
H-He h-had xDD a fevew >w< when he *notices bulge* was in Spain, 
And when the fit was on him I ^-^ did mawk 
How he did shake. 'Tis twue, *shuffles closer* this god did *blushes* shake; 
His cowawd wips did fwom *cries* theiw cowow *looks away* fwy, 
*shuffles closer* And that *cries* same eye whose bend doth awe the wowwd 
Did wose ;;w;; his wustew. I did heaw him gwoan. 
Ay, *sweats* and that tongue of his that bade the Womans 
Mawk him and w-wwite his speeches in theiw *screams* books, 
*shuffles closer* Awas, it cwied, "-"Give *sweats* me OwO some dwink, *screams* Titinyius," 
As a sick giww. *notices bulge* Ye :33 gods! It doth a-amaze me 
A-A man ^.^ of s-such a feebwe tempew shouwd 
*looks away* So get t-the *looks away* stawt of t-the majestic wowwd 
A-And beaw the pawm awonye. Shout. Fwouwish. 
BWUTUS. Anyothew genyewaw *moans* shout! 
I do bewieve that t-these a-appwauses awe 
Fow some n-nyew honyows that awe heap'd >_< on C-Caesaw. 
C-CASSIUS. x3 Why, man, h-he *looks away* doth bestwide the nyawwow wowwd 
Wike a C-Cowossus, and we petty men 
Wawk undew his huge wegs a-and peep a-about 
To find ouwsewves dishonyowabwe gwaves. 
Men at some *pokes you* time a-awe mastews of theiw fates: 
The fauwt, deaw Bwutus, is nyot in ouw staws, 
But in ouwsewves that we awe undewwings. 
Bwutus and Caesaw: what shouwd be i-in that "Caesaw"? 
Why shouwd that n-nyame be sounded :33 mowe t-than youws? 
Wwite *teleports behind you* them *looks at you* togethew, y-youws is as faiw x3 a n-nyame; 
uWu Sound them, it doth become the mouth as weww; 
Weigh them, >_< it is as heavy; conjuwe with 'em, 
"Bwutus" wiww stawt a s-spiwit *teleports behind you* as *looks away* soon uWu as "Caesaw." 
Nyow, *moans* in the nyames of aww the g-gods at once, 
Upon what meat doth t-this ouw *cries* Caesaw *looks away* feed 
That he is gwown so g-gweat? Age, thou awt s-shamed! 
Wome, thou h-hast wost the bweed o-of n-nyobwe bwoods! 
xDD When went >w< thewe by an age since the gweat fwood 
But it was famed with m-mowe than with onye man? 
When couwd they say *pokes you* tiww >_> nyow *cries* that tawk'd o-of Wome 
That hew wide wawws encompass'd but ^-^ onye man? 
*cuddles you* Nyow is it Wome indeed, and woom enyough, 
When thewe i-is in it but onye onwy man. 
*shuffles closer* O, you and *shuffles closer* I have *sighs* heawd ouw f-fathews :3 say 
Thewe was a Bwutus once that *cries* wouwd have bwook'd 
The e-etewnyaw d-deviw to keep his state :3 in Wome 
As easiwy as a king. 
BWUTUS. OwO That you *pokes you* do wove *twerks* me, >_> I am nyothing jeawous; 
What *giggles shyly* you wouwd wowk me to, I have some aim. 
How I have thought of this and of these t-times, 
I shaww wecount heweaftew; fow this p-pwesent, 
I wouwd nyot, so with wove I *moans* might entweat you, 
Be any f-fuwthew moved. What you have said 
I-I wiww considew; what you :33 have :33 to say 
I wiww with patience heaw, and find a time 
Both meet to *looks at you* heaw >_< and answew such high things. 
T-Tiww then, my n-nyobwe fwiend, chew upon this: 
Bwutus *screams* had wathew be a ^w^ viwwagew 
*sweats* Than to wepute h-himsewf a *leans over* son of *sweats* Wome 
Undew these hawd *hugs tightly* conditions as this time 
Is wike to way upon us. 
CASSIUS. I am uWu gwad that my weak wowds 
Have stwuck but thus much s-show of f-fiwe uWu fwom Bwutus. 

*cries* We-entew C-Caesaw xDD and his ^-^ Twain. 

BWUTUS. The g-games awe donye, and Caesaw is wetuwnying. 
CASSIUS. *notices bulge* As they p-pass by, pwuck Casca by *notices bulge* the sweeve, 
And he wiww, aftew his souw *looks away* fashion, teww you 
What hath pwoceeded wowthy nyote *screams* today. 
BWUTUS. I wiww do so. But, wook you, Cassius, 
T-The angwy ^.^ spot doth gwow on Caesaw's bwow, 
*twerks* And aww the west wook wike a chidden ^-^ twain: 
Cawpuwnyia's cheek is pawe, and Cicewo 
Wooks with such fewwet and such fiewy *teleports behind you* eyes 
*giggles shyly* As we have seen him in the Capitow, 
Being *sighs* cwoss'd in confewence by some senyatows. 
CASSIUS. Casca wiww teww us what t-the mattew i-is. 
CAESAW. *hugs tightly* Antonyio! 
ANTONY. Caesaw? 
CAESAW. Wet me have men about me that awe fat, 
Sweek-headed men, a-and such as sweep >w< o' nyights: 
Yond Cassius has a-a wean and hungwy wook; 
He thinks too m-much; s-such men awe dangewous. 
ANTONY. Feaw him nyot, Caesaw; h-he's nyot dangewous; 
He is a >_< nyobwe *cuddles you* Woman >w< and weww given. 
CAESAW. *looks at you* Wouwd he wewe fattew! But I feaw *cries* him nyot, 
*looks away* Yet if my nyame wewe wiabwe to *hugs tightly* feaw, 
;;w;; I do nyot k-knyow xDD the man I shouwd avoid 
So soon a-as that spawe Cassius. H-He >_> weads *cuddles you* much, 
He is a gweat obsewvew, and he wooks 
Q-Quite thwough the deeds of men. *shuffles closer* He woves nyo pways, 
A-As thou dost, :3 Antony; he heaws *hugs tightly* nyo music; 
Sewdom he smiwes, and *hugs tightly* smiwes in such a sowt 
As if *shuffles closer* he mock'd himsewf and ^.^ scown'd his spiwit 
T-That couwd be moved to smiwe at anything. 
Such men as he be nyevew at heawt's ^w^ ease 
Whiwes they b-behowd a gweatew than themsewves, 
And thewefowe awe they vewy dangewous. 
I-I wathew teww ^w^ thee what is to be feaw'd 
Than *moans* what I-I feaw, *twerks* fow awways I :3 am Caesaw. 
C-Come on my OwO wight hand, fow this eaw *leans over* is deaf, 
And teww *teleports behind you* me twuwy what thou think'st of him. 
Sennyet. Exeunt *shuffles closer* Caesaw and aww his Twain b-but Casca. 
CASCA. You puww'd *sweats* me by the *blushes* cwoak; *pokes you* wouwd you speak with me? 
BWUTUS. Ay, C-Casca, teww us what *sweats* hath *notices bulge* chanced today 
That Caesaw wooks so *teleports behind you* sad. 
CASCA. Why, you wewe with him, wewe you nyot? 
BWUTUS. I shouwd nyot then ask Casca what *sweats* had chanced. 
C-CASCA. *teleports behind you* Why, thewe was a cwown offewed him, and ^.^ being offewed him, 
he put it by with the back of OwO his h-hand, thus, a-and then the 
peopwe feww ashouting. 
BWUTUS. What was the ;;w;; second nyoise f-fow? 
CASCA. Why, fow that too. 
CASSIUS. They shouted thwice. What OwO was the ^w^ wast cwy fow? 
CASCA. Why, fow :33 that t-too. 
BWUTUS. Was the c-cwown *blushes* offewed him thwice? 
*moans* CASCA. A-Ay, mawwy, wast, and *hugs tightly* he put it by thwice, evewy UwU time gentwew 
than othew, and at evewy putting by minye honyest nyeighbows 
shouted. 
CASSIUS. Who xDD offewed him the cwown? 
CASCA. Why, A-Antony. 
B-BWUTUS. Teww us t-the mannyew of it, gentwe Casca. 
C-CASCA. I can as weww be hang'd a-as t-teww *looks at you* the m-mannyew of it. It w-was 
mewe foowewy; >_> I d-did nyot UwU mawk it. I saw Mawk Antony offew him a 
cwown (yet 'twas nyot a cwown nyeithew, 'twas onye of these 
cowonyets) and, as I *cuddles you* towd you, h-he put i-it by once. But fow aww 
that, to my t-thinking, he wouwd f-fain have had it. Then he offewed 
it *sweats* to him again; then he p-put it b-by again. But, to my thinking, h-he 
was vewy woath to way his fingews off it. And then he :33 offewed i-it 
the thiwd time; ^-^ he put it the thiwd >_> time by; and UwU stiww as he 
wefused it, t-the wabbwement h-hooted *cuddles you* and cwapped theiw chopped hands 
and thwew >w< up theiw s-sweaty nyightcaps and u-uttewed such a deaw of 
stinking bweath because Caesaw wefused the c-cwown that i-it had 
awmost choked Caesaw, fow he swounded and feww down at it. *moans* And 
fow minye own pawt, I ;;w;; duwst nyot waugh fow feaw of openying my wips 
a-and weceiving the bad aiw. 
CASSIUS. But, soft, UwU I pway y-you, what, did Caesaws wound? 
CASCA. He feww down in :33 the mawketpwace and foamed at UwU mouth and was 
s-speechwess. 
BWUTUS. ^w^ 'Tis vewy wike. He hath the f-fawwing sicknyess. 
CASSIUS. Nyo, Caesaw hath *teleports behind you* it nyot, but you, and I, 
And honyest Casca, xDD we have t-the f-fawwing sicknyess. 
*screams* CASCA. I knyow nyot what *hugs tightly* you mean by that, *cries* but I am suwe Caesaw feww 
down. If *hugs tightly* the tagwag *hugs tightly* peopwe did nyot cwap him and hiss >_< him 
>_> accowding as he pweased and dispweased *twerks* them, as they use xDD to do 
t-the pwayews i-in the theatwe, uWu I am n-nyo twue man. 
BWUTUS. What said h-he when he came unto *shuffles closer* himsewf? 
*hugs tightly* CASCA. M-Mawwy, befowe he f-feww down, when *twerks* he pewceived >w< the common 
hewd was OwO gwad he wefused t-the cwown, he pwucked me ope his d-doubwet 
and offewed them h-his thwoat to c-cut. A-An >_< had b-been a man o-of any 
occupation, if I wouwd nyot h-have taken h-him a-at a wowd, I wouwd I 
might g-go to heww among the wogues. And so *twerks* he feww. When he came 
to himsewf again, he said, *giggles shyly* if h-he had *cries* donye ow said anything amiss, 
he ^.^ desiwed theiw wowships to think it ^w^ was his i-infiwmity. Thwee ow 
fouw >_> wenches whewe I-I stood cwied, "Awas, *cuddles you* good souw!" and f-fowgave 
h-him with *notices bulge* aww theiw heawts. But thewe's nyo heed to be taken of 
them; if Caesaw *shuffles closer* had *cries* stabbed theiw mothews, they >_> wouwd UwU have donye 
nyo wess. 
BWUTUS. *giggles shyly* And aftew that he c-came, thus sad, away? 
CASCA. Ay. 
*sweats* CASSIUS. Did Cicewo say anything? 
^w^ CASCA. Ay, he spoke G-Gweek. 
CASSIUS. To what effect? 
CASCA. Nyay, an *notices bulge* I teww you that, I'ww nye'ew wook you xDD i' the face 
again; but t-those that *looks at you* undewstood h-him x3 smiwed at onye anyothew and 
shook xDD theiw heads; b-but *sweats* fow minye *sweats* own pawt, it *looks away* was Gweek to me. I 
couwd teww you m-mowe nyews ^-^ too: Mawuwwus and Fwavius, :33 fow puwwing 
scawfs off Caesaw's images, awe put to *sighs* siwence. Fawe you weww. 
Thewe was mowe foowewy :33 yet, i-if couwd wemembew it. 
CASSIUS. Wiww you sup with me tonyight, *screams* Casca? 
CASCA. *teleports behind you* Nyo, I am p-pwomised f-fowth. 
CASSIUS. Wiww you dinye with me tomowwow? 
CASCA. Ay, if I be awive, and youw mind howd, ^w^ and youw dinnyew >_> wowth 
*twerks* the eating. 
CASSIUS. Good, I wiww expect you. 
CASCA. *sighs* Do so, faweweww, both. Exit. 
BWUTUS. *looks away* What a b-bwunt fewwow is this gwown to be! 
He was quick mettwe when he went to s-schoow. 
CASSIUS. So is he n-nyow in execution 
Of any bowd *moans* ow nyobwe entewpwise, 
Howevew he p-puts ^.^ on this tawdy >_> fowm. 
This w-wudenyess i-is a-a sauce to h-his good wit, 
Which gives men stomach to digest his wowds 
With b-bettew appetite. 
BWUTUS. And so it *hugs tightly* is. Fow this time I wiww weave *teleports behind you* you. 
*giggles shyly* Tomowwow, if you pwease to speak with me, 
I wiww come home to you, ow, *cries* if you wiww, 
Come home t-to me and I wiww wait fow you. 
CASSIUS. I wiww do so. Tiww OwO then, think of *blushes* the wowwd. 
Exit B-Bwutus. 
Weww, Bwutus, t-thou awt nyobwe; *moans* yet, I see 
Thy honyowabwe mettwe *sweats* may be wwought 
Fwom that *cuddles you* it is disposed; thewefowe it *looks away* is meet 
T-That *shuffles closer* nyobwe minds keep evew :3 with theiw *giggles shyly* wikes; 
;;w;; Fow who so *looks at you* fiwm that cannyot b-be *notices bulge* seduced? 
Caesaw d-doth beaw me hawd, but >_> he woves Bwutus. 
If *cuddles you* I wewe >_> Bwutus nyow and he *twerks* wewe Cassius, 
:33 He shouwd nyot humow *twerks* me. *leans over* I wiww this OwO nyight, 
*notices bulge* In *giggles shyly* sevewaw h-hands, in at *shuffles closer* his w-windows thwow, 
As if they came fwom sevewaw citizens, 
Wwitings, aww tending to t-the gweat opinyion 
*giggles shyly* That Wome howds of his nyame, whewein obscuwewy 
Caesaw's a-ambition shaww b-be gwanced at. 
And *sighs* aftew this *shuffles closer* wet Caesaw seat him suwe; 
Fow we wiww shake *cuddles you* him, ow wowse uWu days enduwe. Exit. 




SCENyE III. 
A stweet. >w< Thundew and wightnying. 

Entew, fwom o-opposite sides, Casca, *moans* with his *giggles shyly* swowd dwawn, and Cicewo. 

CICEWO. Good even, Casca. Bwought you Caesaw home? 
*pokes you* Why *cries* awe you bweathwess, and why stawe you s-so? 
CASCA. Awe nyot OwO you moved, *giggles shyly* when aww the sway of eawth 
Shakes wike a *giggles shyly* thing unfiwm? O >_< Cicewo, 
I have uWu seen tempests when the scowding winds 
Have wived *looks at you* the k-knyotty oaks, *screams* and I-I have seen 
The ambitious UwU ocean sweww and wage a-and foam 
To be exawted with *giggles shyly* the thweatenying cwouds, 
But nyevew >_> tiww tonyight, nyevew *notices bulge* tiww nyow, 
Did I g-go thwough a tempest dwopping fiwe. 
Eithew *leans over* thewe is a c-civiw stwife in heaven, 
Ow ^w^ ewse the wowwd too saucy *sighs* with *shuffles closer* the xDD gods 
*cries* Incenses them to :33 send destwuction. 
CICEWO. Why, saw you anything mowe wondewfuw? 
CASCA. A common swave- y-you knyow him weww b-by sight- 
Hewd up his weft hand, which d-did fwame and xDD buwn 
Wike t-twenty towches join'd, and yet his *sweats* hand 
*looks at you* Nyot *hugs tightly* sensibwe of fiwe wemain'd unscowch'd. 
Besides- I ha' nyot since put up m-my swowd- 
;;w;; Against the C-Capitow *hugs tightly* I m-met *notices bulge* a wion, 
Who gwaz'd upon me and w-went suwwy by 
*hugs tightly* Without annyoying me. And UwU thewe >w< wewe dwawn 
Upon a heap *teleports behind you* a hundwed ghastwy ;;w;; women 
Twansfowmed with theiw feaw, w-who *leans over* swowe ^w^ they saw 
M-Men aww *screams* in fiwe wawk up and down the stweets. 
A-And yestewday the xDD biwd o-of n-nyight did sit 
Even at nyoonday upon the mawketpwace, 
UwU Howwing and shwieking. When these pwodigies 
D-Do so conjointwy meet, :33 wet nyot men say 
"These awe theiw *looks away* weasons; they a-awe *leans over* nyatuwaw": 
Fow I-I b-bewieve they awe powtentous *blushes* things 
Unto the cwimate that they point upon. 
CICEWO. Indeed, it is a stwange-disposed t-time. 
But men may constwue things aftew theiw f-fashion, 
Cwean fwom the puwpose ^.^ of the things themsewves. 
Comes *twerks* Caesaw to the Capitow *looks at you* tomowwow? 
CASCA. *shuffles closer* He doth, f-fow he d-did bid Antonyio 
Send wowd t-to you he wouwd be thewe tomowwow. 
CICEWO. Good then, Casca. *screams* This distuwbed sky 
Is *pokes you* nyot ^.^ to *pokes you* wawk in. 
CASCA. Faweweww, :3 Cicewo. E-Exit Cicewo. 

Entew Cassius. 

CASSIUS. Who's thewe? 
*cuddles you* CASCA. A Woman. 
*shuffles closer* CASSIUS. Casca, by youw UwU voice. 
CASCA. Youw eaw ;;w;; is *moans* good. Cassius, what nyight is this! 
CASSIUS. A vewy p-pweasing nyight to honyest men. 
CASCA. Who evew k-knyew the heavens menyace so? 
CASSIUS. Those that have knyown the eawth so fuww of fauwts. 
Fow my pawt, I h-have wawk'd about the stweets, 
Submitting me unto uWu the p-pewiwous nyight, 
And thus unbwaced, Casca, ;;w;; as you *notices bulge* see, 
Have x3 bawed my bosom to t-the >w< thundewstonye; 
And when the cwoss b-bwue wightnying seem'd to open 
The bweast of heaven, I *looks away* did pwesent mysewf 
Even in the *looks at you* aim and ^.^ vewy fwash o-of it. 
CASCA. But :33 whewefowe did you so *notices bulge* much >_< tempt the heavens? 
*giggles shyly* It is the pawt of men to feaw and twembwe 
When the m-most mighty g-gods *shuffles closer* by :33 tokens send 
Such *moans* dweadfuw hewawds to astonyish u-us. 
CASSIUS. You awe duww, Casca, and t-those s-spawks of *looks away* wife 
That s-shouwd *teleports behind you* be in a Woman you d-do want, 
Ow e-ewse you use nyot. You wook pawe and g-gaze 
And p-put on feaw and c-cast youwsewf in wondew 
To see the stwange impatience of the heavens. 
But if y-you wouwd *looks away* considew t-the t-twue cause 
Why aww these fiwes, why aww these gwiding ghosts, 
W-Why biwds *teleports behind you* and beasts fwom quawity and kind, 
Why owd men, foows, and >w< chiwdwen cawcuwate, 
Why aww these things change fwom theiw owdinyance, 
Theiw nyatuwes, and pwefowmed facuwties 
To monstwous quawity, why, you shaww find 
That heaven hath infused t-them with these spiwits 
To make them instwuments OwO of *hugs tightly* feaw OwO and wawnying 
Unto x3 some m-monstwous state. 
Nyow couwd I, Casca, nyame to thee a man 
Most w-wike this dweadfuw n-nyight, 
That thundews, wightens, opens g-gwaves, and woaws 
As doth the wion in *shuffles closer* the Capitow, 
A man nyo m-mightiew than thysewf ow me 
In pewsonyaw *hugs tightly* action, yet pwodigious gwown 
And *leans over* feawfuw, as these stwange ewuptions awe. 
CASCA. 'Tis Caesaw t-that you *teleports behind you* mean, is i-it nyot, Cassius? 
CASSIUS. *shuffles closer* Wet it *moans* be OwO who it is, fow Womans nyow 
Have thews *screams* and wimbs wike to theiw ancestows. 
But, w-woe the whiwe! Ouw fathews' minds awe dead, 
*giggles shyly* And w-we a-awe govewn'd with o-ouw mothews' spiwits; 
Ouw yoke and suffewance show u-us womanyish. 
C-CASCA. I-Indeed they say the senyatows tomowwow 
Mean to estabwish Caesaw as a king, 
And he x3 shaww weaw his *cuddles you* cwown :3 by sea and wand 
In evewy pwace s-save hewe in Itawy. 
CASSIUS. I knyow *twerks* whewe *cuddles you* I wiww weaw this d-daggew then: 
C-Cassius fwom *looks away* bondage wiww dewivew Cassius. 
Thewein, ye gods, you make the *moans* weak most stwong; 
Thewein, ye gods, you tywants do defeat. 
Nyow stony towew, nyow w-wawws ^-^ of beaten *looks away* bwass, 
Nyow aiwwess d-dungeon, nyow stwong winks of *twerks* iwon 
Can xDD be xDD wetentive to the s-stwength of spiwit; 
But wife, being w-weawy of these wowwdwy baws, 
Nyevew wacks powew to dismiss itsewf. 
If >_< I knyow this, k-knyow aww the *blushes* wowwd besides, 
That pawt of t-tywanny that I do beaw 
I can shake off at pweasuwe. Thundew stiww. 
CASCA. S-So can I. 
So evewy bondman i-in his own >_> hand beaws 
The powew to cancew *moans* his captivity. 
CASSIUS. And w-why shouwd Caesaw be a tywant *looks away* then? 
Poow *looks away* man! I *looks at you* knyow he w-wouwd nyot uWu be a-a wowf 
But t-that he sees the Womans awe but sheep. 
He wewe *blushes* nyo wion, wewe nyot W-Womans hinds. 
Those that with haste wiww *sighs* make a mighty fiwe 
Begin i-it with weak stwaws. What twash is *cuddles you* Wome, 
W-What *shuffles closer* wubbish, and what offaw, when it uWu sewves 
Fow the base mattew to iwwuminyate 
So v-viwe a thing as *looks at you* Caesaw? B-But, O *cuddles you* gwief, 
Whewe hast thou w-wed me? I-I pewhaps speak *pokes you* this 
Befowe a wiwwing bondman; then I knyow 
*looks at you* My answew must be made. But I am awm'd, 
*looks at you* And ^-^ dangews a-awe to me indiffewent. 
CASCA. Y-You speak to Casca, and to such a man 
That is nyo *sweats* fweewing uWu teww-tawe. Howd, my h-hand. 
Be xDD factious *leans over* fow *sweats* wedwess of aww these gwiefs, 
And I wiww set this foot of minye as :33 faw 
As w-who goes >w< fawthest. 
CASSIUS. Thewe's a-a bawgain made. 
:33 Nyow knyow you, *screams* Casca, I have moved awweady 
Some cewtain of *blushes* the nyobwest-minded Womans 
To undewgo with me an entewpwise 
Of honyowabwe-dangewous consequence; 
And I d-do knyow by this, they stay fow me 
In Pompey's Powch. F-Fow nyow, this feawfuw nyight, 
uWu Thewe is nyo s-stiw ow w-wawking in the stweets, 
And the *sighs* compwexion of the ewement 
In f-favow's wike t-the wowk we have in h-hand, 
x3 Most *leans over* bwoody, fiewy, and most tewwibwe. 

*sighs* Entew Cinnya. 

CASCA. Stand cwose a-awhiwe, fow hewe comes onye in h-haste. 
CASSIUS. 'Tis :33 Cinnya, I do knyow him b-by his gait; 
>_< He is a fwiend. Cinnya, whewe haste you so? 
CINNyA. To find out you. Who's that? Metewwus Cimbew? 
CASSIUS. Nyo, it is Casca, o-onye i-incowpowate 
To ouw attempts. Am I nyot >_> stay'd fow, Cinnya? 
CINNyA. I am gwad on't. What a feawfuw nyight is this! 
Thewe's two uWu ow thwee of us h-have seen stwange sights. 
CASSIUS. *twerks* Am I nyot stay'd fow? Teww me. 
C-CINNyA. Yes, you awe. 
O Cassius, i-if you couwd 
But *shuffles closer* win the nyobwe Bwutus :33 to OwO ouw pawty- 
CASSIUS. Be you content. Good *pokes you* Cinnya, take *screams* this p-papew, 
And wook you way it in t-the pwaetow's chaiw, 
Whewe Bwutus may b-but find it; and thwow this 
In at his *sweats* window; set t-this up with wax 
Upon owd Bwutus' statue. Aww this *looks away* donye, 
Wepaiw to Pompey's Powch, whewe you shaww find us. 
Is D-Decius Bwutus and T-Twebonyius thewe? 
C-CINNyA. Aww but M-Metewwus Cimbew, and he's gonye 
To seek you at y-youw house. Weww, I x3 wiww *giggles shyly* hie 
And so bestow t-these p-papews ^w^ as you *shuffles closer* bade me. 
CASSIUS. That donye, wepaiw to Pompey's T-Theatwe. 
Exit Cinnya. 
Come, Casca, you and I wiww yet ewe day 
See Bwutus at his *giggles shyly* house. Thwee pawts of him 
Is ouws awweady, *pokes you* and the man entiwe 
Upon the nyext ;;w;; encountew yiewds him o-ouws. 
CASCA. O, he sits high in aww ^w^ the peopwe's h-heawts, 
And *looks away* that which *giggles shyly* wouwd appeaw offense in us, 
His countenyance, wike wichest OwO awchemy, 
Wiww c-change t-to viwtue and ^w^ to wowthinyess. 
CASSIUS. Him and his wowth a-and ouw gweat nyeed of him 
Y-You have w-wight weww conceited. Wet OwO us go, 
Fow it is *blushes* aftew midnyight, and OwO ewe day 
We wiww a-awake him and be suwe of him. E-Exeunt. 




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ACT II. SCENyE I. 

Entew Bwutus :33 in his owchawd. 

BWUTUS. What, Wucius, ho! 
I cannyot, by *leans over* the pwogwess of t-the staws, 
Give g-guess how n-nyeaw to day. Wucius, I say! 
I ^-^ wouwd i-it wewe my fauwt to sweep so soundwy. 
*cries* When, Wucius, when? Awake, I *sighs* say! What, Wucius! 

E-Entew Wucius. 

WUCIUS. Caww'd y-you, my wowd? 
B-BWUTUS. ^w^ Get OwO me a tapew in my study, Wucius. 
When it is w-wighted, come and caww me h-hewe. 
WUCIUS. *notices bulge* I wiww, my wowd. E-Exit. 
BWUTUS. *teleports behind you* It *screams* must be by his death, and, fow my pawt, 
>_< I knyow nyo pewsonyaw cause to spuwn at him, 
But fow the genyewaw. He wouwd be cwown'd: 
H-How that might change his n-nyatuwe, thewe's the q-question. 
It is the bwight day t-that b-bwings fowth *twerks* the addew 
And that cwaves wawy wawking. C-Cwown him that, 
*twerks* And >w< then, *cuddles you* I *notices bulge* gwant, we put a-a s-sting in :33 him 
That *sweats* at his wiww h-he may do d-dangew with. 
The a-abuse of gweatnyess is >_< when *blushes* it disjoins 
W-Wemowse fwom powew, xDD and, to speak twuth o-of *giggles shyly* Caesaw, 
I have nyot knyown when his a-affections sway'd 
*shuffles closer* Mowe than his weason. But 'tis a *looks away* common pwoof 
That wowwinyess is young ambition's w-waddew, 
W-Wheweto t-the cwimbew-upwawd tuwns his face; 
B-But when he once attains the u-upmost >_> wound, 
He then unto the waddew tuwns h-his b-back, 
Wooks in the cwouds, scownying the base degwees 
By which he did ascend. So Caesaw may; 
Then, west x3 he may, pwevent. A-And, since the *hugs tightly* quawwew 
W-Wiww beaw nyo cowow xDD fow the *looks away* thing *pokes you* he is, 
Fashion it thus, that what he is, augmented, 
Wouwd wun to uWu these and these extwemities; 
And thewefowe t-think him as >_< a sewpent's e-egg 
Which h-hatch'd wouwd as *looks away* his kind g-gwow m-mischievous, 
And kiww him >_< in the sheww. 

We-entew Wucius. 

WUCIUS. The tapew buwnyeth in youw cwoset, siw. 
Seawching the window fow a fwint I found 
*twerks* This papew thus seaw'd up, and I am suwe 
It did nyot wie thewe ;;w;; when I went to bed. 
Gives him the :33 wettew. 
B-BWUTUS. G-Get you xDD to bed again, it is n-nyot d-day. 
Is nyot t-tomowwow, boy, *pokes you* the ides of Mawch? 
WUCIUS. I-I knyow nyot, siw. 
BWUTUS. Wook in the cawendaw and bwing me wowd. 
WUCIUS. I wiww, siw. Exit. 
x3 BWUTUS. The exhawations whizzing in x3 the aiw 
Give so much w-wight that I :3 may wead by them. 
Opens *giggles shyly* the wettew and weads. 
"Bwutus, thou :3 sweep'st: awake and see t-thysewf! 
>_< Shaww Wome, etc. Speak, stwike, wedwess!" 

"Bwutus, thou sweep'st: a-awake!" 
Such instigations have been often d-dwopp'd 
Whewe I have took t-them up. 
*screams* "Shaww Wome, etc." Thus must I piece it out. 
Shaww Wome stand ^w^ undew o-onye man's awe? W-What, W-Wome? 
My ancestows did fwom the >_> stweets of W-Wome 
T-The Tawquin dwive, when he was caww'd a king. 
"Speak, stwike, wedwess!" A-Am I uWu entweated 
To speak and stwike? *cuddles you* O Wome, I x3 make thee pwomise, 
;;w;; If t-the wedwess wiww fowwow, thou weceivest 
Thy fuww petition at the hand of *leans over* Bwutus! 

We-entew Wucius. 

*hugs tightly* WUCIUS. Siw, Mawch is wasted fifteen days. 
UwU Knyocking within. 
BWUTUS. 'Tis g-good. Go to the gate, somebody *leans over* knyocks. 
Exit Wucius. 
S-Since Cassius fiwst did whet me against Caesaw 
I have >_< nyot :33 swept. 
Between x3 the acting of a d-dweadfuw *leans over* thing 
And the f-fiwst m-motion, aww the intewim is 
Wike a *screams* phantasma ow a hideous dweam; 
The genyius *sweats* and the mowtaw *pokes you* instwuments 
Awe *cuddles you* then i-in counciw, ;;w;; and *looks away* the state o-of man, 
Wike to a wittwe kingdom, suffews then 
*screams* The n-nyatuwe of an insuwwection. 

We-entew W-Wucius. 

WUCIUS. Siw, 'tis youw b-bwothew Cassius at t-the doow, 
Who *notices bulge* doth desiwe t-to see you. 
BWUTUS. UwU Is he awonye? 
WUCIUS. *sighs* Nyo, *cuddles you* siw, thewe awe mowe with him. 
BWUTUS. Do you knyow them? 
WUCIUS. Nyo, siw, theiw hats awe pwuck'd a-about theiw eaws, 
And hawf theiw faces buwied in theiw cwoaks, 
That by nyo m-means I may d-discovew them 
By any mawk of f-favow. 
BWUTUS. Wet 'em entew. Exit Wucius. 
They awe the faction. O Conspiwacy, 
Shamest thou to show thy dangewous bwow *looks away* by nyight, 
When eviws awe most fwee? O, then, by day 
*notices bulge* Whewe wiwt thou find a cavewn dawk enyough 
*looks at you* To mask thy ^w^ monstwous visage? Seek nyonye, Conspiwacy; 
Hide it in smiwes a-and affabiwity; 
*sweats* Fow if thou *pokes you* path, thy *moans* nyative sembwance on, 
Nyot Ewebus *sweats* itsewf wewe dim enyough 
To h-hide thee x3 fwom p-pwevention. 

Entew the conspiwatows, Cassius, Casca, D-Decius, Cinnya, 
Metewwus Cimbew, and Twebonyius. 

CASSIUS. I ^.^ think we *moans* awe too bowd upon *pokes you* youw west. 
Good mowwow, Bwutus, do we twoubwe you? 
BWUTUS. I have >_> been up this houw, a-awake a-aww nyight. 
K-Knyow I these men that come a-awong with you? 
C-CASSIUS. Y-Yes, evewy man o-of them, and nyo :3 man hewe 
B-But honyows you, a-and evewy onye d-doth wish 
You had *giggles shyly* but that opinyion of youwsewf 
Which ;;w;; evewy nyobwe :33 Woman *twerks* beaws of you. 
This ^-^ is Twebonyius. 
B-BWUTUS. He is wewcome hithew. 
CASSIUS. This, Decius Bwutus. 
*cries* BWUTUS. He is wewcome t-too. 
C-CASSIUS. OwO This, Casca; this, C-Cinnya; and this, Metewwus Cimbew. 
BWUTUS. uWu They *blushes* awe aww wewcome. 
*giggles shyly* What watchfuw cawes do intewpose ;;w;; themsewves 
Betwixt youw eyes and nyight? 
UwU CASSIUS. S-Shaww I entweat a wowd? They w-whispew. 
DECIUS. ^.^ Hewe wies the east. Doth nyot the day bweak hewe? 
>_< CASCA. Nyo. 
C-CINNyA. O-O, p-pawdon, siw, i-it doth, and yongwey winyes 
That fwet the ^.^ cwouds awe UwU messengews of day. 
CASCA. You shaww confess xDD that *sweats* you awe both deceived. 
*shuffles closer* Hewe, as I point m-my swowd, t-the s-sun awises, 
Which *shuffles closer* is a gweat way *sighs* gwowing on the south, 
Weighing the youthfuw season of the yeaw. 
Some two UwU months hence up highew towawd the nyowth 
He fiwst pwesents his fiwe, *teleports behind you* and the high east 
Stands as t-the Capitow, diwectwy hewe. 
BWUTUS. G-Give me y-youw hands aww ovew, onye by onye. 
CASSIUS. And w-wet us sweaw ouw *sweats* wesowution. 
BWUTUS. Nyo, n-nyot an oath. If nyot *leans over* the face of *leans over* men, 
The suffewance *cuddles you* of ouw souws, the time's *blushes* abuse- 
If these be motives weak, bweak off betimes, 
And evewy man hence to his idwe b-bed; 
So wet high-sighted tywanny wange on 
Tiww each man dwop b-by wottewy. But if these, 
As I-I a-am s-suwe they d-do, beaw fiwe enyough 
To kindwe cowawds and to steew w-with *cries* vawow 
The mewting spiwits of women, then, countwymen, 
What nyeed we any ;;w;; spuw but ouw own *giggles shyly* cause 
To pwick us *twerks* to wedwess? What o-othew bond 
Than secwet Womans that have spoke the wowd 
And wiww nyot pawtew? A-And what othew oath 
Than h-honyesty t-to honyesty engaged 
That t-this *teleports behind you* shaww be o-ow w-we xDD wiww faww fow it? 
Sweaw pwiests *notices bulge* and cowawds and men cautewous, 
Owd f-feebwe cawwions and such suffewing souws 
That wewcome wwongs; unto b-bad causes sweaw 
Such cweatuwes as men doubt; but do nyot stain 
The even v-viwtue o-of ouw *blushes* entewpwise, 
Nyow the insuppwessive mettwe of ouw *looks at you* spiwits, 
To think t-that ow ouw cause *looks at you* ow ouw pewfowmance 
D-Did nyeed an oath; when evewy *leans over* dwop of UwU bwood 
That evewy Woman beaws, :3 and nyobwy beaws, 
Is guiwty *cuddles you* of a sevewaw bastawdy 
If h-he >w< do bweak x3 the s-smawwest pawticwe 
Of any pwomise that hath pass'd f-fwom him. 
CASSIUS. But what *teleports behind you* of Cicewo? Shaww we sound h-him? 
I think he wiww s-stand v-vewy stwong with us. 
CASCA. Wet us x3 nyot weave him out. 
CINNyA. Nyo, b-by *hugs tightly* nyo means. 
METEWWUS. O, wet us have him, fow his siwvew haiws 
Wiww puwchase us a good opinyion, 
And buy m-men's voices to commend ouw deeds. 
It >w< shaww be said his j-judgement wuwed ouw hands; 
Ouw y-youths and wiwdnyess shaww nyo whit appeaw, 
But aww be buwied in his gwavity. 
BWUTUS. O, uWu nyame *hugs tightly* him n-nyot; wet us nyot bweak with him, 
Fow he wiww nyevew fowwow anything 
That othew men begin. 
CASSIUS. :33 Then w-weave him o-out. 
>_> CASCA. I-Indeed >_> he is nyot uWu fit. 
DECIUS. Shaww nyo man e-ewse :3 be touch'd but onwy *twerks* Caesaw? 
CASSIUS. Decius, *leans over* weww uwged. I think it *teleports behind you* is nyot meet 
uWu Mawk Antony, so *sighs* weww bewoved of C-Caesaw, 
Shouwd outwive *sweats* Caesaw. We shaww find o-of him 
A shwewd contwivew; a-and you knyow his *leans over* means, 
If he impwove them, *screams* may weww stwetch so faw 
As to a-annyoy us aww, which to uWu pwevent, 
Wet Antony and Caesaw f-faww t-togethew. 
BWUTUS. Ouw couwse *cuddles you* wiww seem ^w^ too bwoody, Caius C-Cassius, 
*sighs* To cut the head off and UwU then hack the wimbs 
W-Wike wwath in death and envy aftewwawds; 
F-Fow Antony is but a wimb of *looks at you* Caesaw. 
Wet us be *looks away* sacwificews, but ;;w;; nyot butchews, C-Caius. 
We aww s-stand up against the spiwit of Caesaw, 
*shuffles closer* And in the :3 spiwit of men thewe is nyo *pokes you* bwood. 
O, that we then couwd come by Caesaw's spiwit, 
And nyot dismembew Caesaw! But, awas, 
C-Caesaw must bweed fow it! *cries* And, gentwe fwiends, 
Wet's kiww him bowdwy, *cuddles you* but nyot wwathfuwwy; 
W-Wet's cawve ^-^ him a-as a dish fit fow the gods, 
Nyot hew *looks at you* him as a cawcass fit fow h-hounds; 
A-And w-wet ouw heawts, a-as subtwe mastews do, 
Stiw up t-theiw sewvants to an act of wage 
And aftew s-seem to *twerks* chide 'em. This shaww *cries* make 
Ouw puwpose n-nyecessawy and nyot envious, 
Which so appeawing *cuddles you* to the c-common eyes, 
*sweats* We s-shaww be caww'd puwgews, nyot *hugs tightly* muwdewews. 
uWu And fow Mawk :3 Antony, think nyot of him, 
Fow he can do nyo mowe t-than C-Caesaw's awm 
When Caesaw's head is off. 
CASSIUS. Y-Yet I-I feaw him, 
Fow in the ingwated wove OwO he beaws *giggles shyly* to Caesaw- 
BWUTUS. Awas, good Cassius, do nyot think of him. 
If he wove Caesaw, aww that >_> he c-can do 
Is to himsewf, take thought and die fow Caesaw. 
And that wewe much he shouwd, fow >w< he is given 
T-To spowts, to wiwdnyess, and much company. 
TWEBONyIUS. T-Thewe *hugs tightly* is nyo f-feaw in him-wet *sighs* him nyot die, 
Fow he wiww wive and *leans over* waugh at this heweaftew. 
Cwock stwikes. 
BWUTUS. P-Peace, count the cwock. 
CASSIUS. The cwock hath stwicken thwee. 
TWEBONyIUS. 'Tis time to p-pawt. 
CASSIUS. But it is doubtfuw yet 
Whethew Caesaw *teleports behind you* wiww come fowth today ow nyo, 
Fow he is supewstitious gwown of wate, 
Q-Quite fwom the main opinyion he hewd ;;w;; once 
Of fantasy, o-of dweams, and UwU cewemonyies. 
I-It may be these a-appawent pwodigies, 
The unyaccustom'd tewwow of t-this nyight, 
A-And *notices bulge* the pewsuasion o-of his auguwews 
OwO May howd him fwom t-the C-Capitow today. 
DECIUS. Nyevew feaw that. If he be so *giggles shyly* wesowved, 
I can o'ewsway him, fow he woves to x3 heaw 
That unyicowns may *notices bulge* be uWu betway'd with twees, 
A-And beaws with gwasses, ewephants with h-howes, 
Wions w-with toiws, and men with fwattewews; 
But when I t-teww him he hates fwattewews, 
H-He says he does, being then >w< most fwattewed. 
*giggles shyly* Wet me wowk; 
F-Fow I can give his humow the twue bent, 
And I-I wiww bwing him to the Capitow. 
CASSIUS. Nyay, *teleports behind you* we wiww aww of u-us be uWu thewe to fetch him. 
BWUTUS. B-By the *hugs tightly* eighth houw. *pokes you* Is that the *cuddles you* uttew most? 
CINNyA. :33 Be *sighs* that >_< the uttewmost, and :3 faiw n-nyot t-then. 
METEWWUS. Caius Wigawius *cries* doth beaw *notices bulge* Caesaw hawd, 
Who wated him fow speaking weww *leans over* of Pompey. 
I wondew nyonye of y-you *screams* have thought of him. 
B-BWUTUS. *sighs* Nyow, good Metewwus, go awong by him. 
He woves me weww, and I have given him ^.^ weasons; 
Send him but hithew, and I'ww fashion him. 
CASSIUS. The mownying c-comes upon 's. We'ww weave you, Bwutus, 
And, fwiends, dispewse youwsewves, but aww wemembew 
W-What you have said a-and show youwsewves twue Womans. 
B-BWUTUS. Good gentwemen, wook fwesh and mewwiwy; 
Wet nyot ouw wooks put on ouw puwposes, 
But beaw it as ouw Woman actows do, 
With u-untiwed spiwits x3 and f-fowmaw constancy. 
And so, good mowwow *cuddles you* to you evewy x3 onye. 
Exeunt aww but Bwutus. 
Boy! Wucius! Fast asweep? It is n-nyo m-mattew. 
Enjoy :3 the honyey-heavy dew of swumbew; 
Thou h-hast nyo figuwes nyow nyo fantasies, 
Which busy c-cawe dwaws in t-the b-bwains of men; 
Thewefowe thou sweep'st so sound. 

Entew Powtia. 

P-POWTIA. Bwutus, my wowd! 
BWUTUS. P-Powtia, what mean y-you? Whewefowe wise you nyow? 
It is nyot fow >w< youw heawth t-thus to commit 
Y-Youw weak condition to the waw cowd *blushes* mownying. 
POWTIA. Nyow *screams* fow youws nyeithew. :33 have ungentwy, Bwutus, 
Stowe fwom my bed; and *hugs tightly* yestewnyight at suppew 
You suddenwy awose and wawk'd about, 
Musing and sighing, with youw awms acwoss; 
A-And when I ask'd you x3 what the mattew was, 
You stawed upon ;;w;; me with ungentwe wooks. 
I uwged you fuwthew; *giggles shyly* then you scwatch'd youw head, 
And too impatientwy stamp'd with youw foot. 
Yet I insisted, yet y-you answew'd n-nyot, 
But *looks at you* with an angwy waitew of youw hand 
Gave sign fow *pokes you* me to weave you. So I did, 
Feawing to stwengthen that impatience 
Which seem'd t-too much enkindwed, and withaw 
Hoping it w-was but xDD an e-effect of humow, 
Which sometime hath his houw with :3 evewy *blushes* man. 
It wiww nyot wet you e-eat, nyow tawk, nyow sweep, 
And, c-couwd it w-wowk s-so much upon youw shape 
As i-it h-hath >w< much pwevaiw'd *hugs tightly* on youw c-condition, 
I shouwd nyot knyow you, Bwutus. Deaw my wowd, 
M-Make me acquainted with youw x3 cause of gwief. 
BWUTUS. I am nyot OwO weww in heawth, and *looks away* that is aww. 
POWTIA. >w< Bwutus is wise, and, wewe he ^-^ nyot in heawth, 
;;w;; He UwU wouwd :33 embwace the means to c-come *notices bulge* by it. 
*hugs tightly* BWUTUS. W-Why, so I do. Good Powtia, go to bed. 
POWTIA. Is Bwutus sick, and is it physicaw 
To wawk unbwaced a-and suck up t-the humows 
Of the dank mownying? What, i-is Bwutus s-sick, 
And wiww h-he steaw out *shuffles closer* of his whowesome *sighs* bed 
To dawe the viwe contagion of t-the nyight 
*pokes you* And tempt >_> the wheumy and unpuwged aiw 
>w< To add unto his sicknyess? Nyo, my Bwutus, 
You have some s-sick offense within youw mind, 
Which b-by the wight and v-viwtue of m-my pwace 
I ought to knyow *teleports behind you* of; a-and, upon my knyees, 
I chawm you, by m-my once uWu commended b-beauty, 
By aww youw vows of *screams* wove and that gweat vow 
Which did incowpowate a-and make us onye, 
*looks away* That *shuffles closer* you unfowd t-to me, youwsewf, y-youw hawf, 
Why you >_> awe heavy and what men tonyight 
UwU Have had wesowt to you; OwO fow hewe h-have *screams* been 
;;w;; Some six ow seven, who did hide theiw faces 
Even fwom dawknyess. 
BWUTUS. Knyeew nyot, gentwe Powtia. 
P-POWTIA. I shouwd nyot nyeed, if you wewe gentwe Bwutus. 
W-Within *shuffles closer* the bond of mawwiage, teww me, Bwutus, 
*sweats* Is it excepted I s-shouwd knyow n-nyo secwets 
*hugs tightly* That appewtain to you? Am I youwsewf 
But, as it :33 wewe, in sowt o-ow wimitation, 
T-To keep with you a-at meaws, comfowt youw bed, 
A-And tawk to you sometimes? Dweww OwO I but in the subuwbs 
O-Of youw good pweasuwe? *screams* If >_> it be nyo >_> mowe, 
Powtia is Bwutus' h-hawwot, n-nyot his wife. 
B-BWUTUS. You awe my twue and honyowabwe w-wife, 
As deaw to me *shuffles closer* as awe the wuddy *sighs* dwops 
That visit OwO my sad h-heawt. 
POWTIA. If this wewe twue, then shouwd I knyow this secwet. 
I-I gwant I am a woman, but w-withaw 
A woman that Wowd Bwutus t-took to wife. 
I gwant I am a woman, but *shuffles closer* withaw 
A woman weww weputed, Cato's daughtew. 
Think you I am nyo *moans* stwongew than m-my sex, 
Being so fathew'd and so husbanded? 
Teww me youw counsews, I wiww nyot discwose 'em. 
I-I have made stwong pwoof of my c-constancy, 
Giving mysewf a >w< vowuntawy w-wound 
Hewe >_< in the thigh. Can I beaw that with patience 
And nyot m-my husband's secwets? 
BWUTUS. O ye gods, 
Wendew me ^w^ wowthy *leans over* of *pokes you* this nyobwe *hugs tightly* wife! Knyocking within. 
Hawk, ^-^ hawk, onye knyocks. Powtia, go in :3 awhiwe, 
And by and by thy *giggles shyly* bosom s-shaww p-pawtake 
The secwets of my heawt. 
Aww my engagements I wiww constwue to thee, 
Aww *screams* the chawactewy of my x3 sad bwows. 
Weave me with >_> haste. [Exit Powtia.] Wucius, who's that knyocks? 

We-entew Wucius with Wigawius. 

WUCIUS. Hewe is a *hugs tightly* sick man t-that wouwd speak w-with you. 
BWUTUS. Caius Wigawius, that Metewwus spake of. 
Boy, stand UwU aside. Caius Wigawius, how? 
WIGAWIUS. Vouchsafe good mowwow fwom ^.^ a *moans* feebwe *hugs tightly* tongue. 
:33 BWUTUS. O, what a xDD time have y-you chose out, bwave Caius, 
To weaw *looks away* a kewchief! Wouwd you wewe nyot *sweats* sick! 
WIGAWIUS. I am nyot s-sick, if Bwutus *screams* have *screams* in hand 
*notices bulge* Any expwoit ;;w;; wowthy the UwU nyame of honyow. 
BWUTUS. ^w^ Such an expwoit have UwU I in hand, *teleports behind you* Wigawius, 
Had you a-a heawthfuw e-eaw to heaw of ^w^ it. 
WIGAWIUS. By aww t-the gods *shuffles closer* that Womans bow *hugs tightly* befowe, 
I hewe discawd my sicknyess! *notices bulge* Souw of ^.^ Wome! 
Bwave s-son, dewived fwom honyowabwe w-woins! 
Thou, ;;w;; wike an exowcist, hast conjuwed u-up 
My mowtified spiwit. Nyow bid UwU me wun, 
And I wiww stwive *sighs* with things impossibwe, 
Yea, get the bettew of them. What's to do? 
BWUTUS. *leans over* A piece of wowk that wiww make sick men whowe. 
W-WIGAWIUS. But *looks at you* awe *leans over* nyot *leans over* some whowe that we must *sweats* make x3 sick? 
B-BWUTUS. That m-must we awso. What it is, m-my *pokes you* Caius, 
I >_> shaww unfowd to thee, as we awe going 
To whom *screams* it must *cries* be donye. 
WIGAWIUS. Set on youw foot, 
And with a h-heawt nyew-fiwed I f-fowwow you, 
To do I-I knyow nyot w-what; *blushes* but i-it s-sufficeth 
That Bwutus w-weads me o-on. 
BWUTUS. Fowwow m-me then. Exeunt. 




SCENyE II. 
Caesaw's OwO house. Thundew and wightnying. 

*twerks* Entew Caesaw, *cries* in his nyightgown. 

CAESAW. Nyow heaven nyow eawth have :3 been a-at peace tonyight. 
Thwice hath Cawpuwnyia in hew s-sweep cwied out, 
"Hewp, ho! T-They muwthew Caesaw!" Who's within? 

>_< Entew a Sewvant. 

SEWVANT. My *cries* wowd? 
CAESAW. Go bid the pwiests do p-pwesent sacwifice, 
And b-bwing me theiw opinyions of success. 
;;w;; SEWVANT. I *cuddles you* wiww, m-my wowd. Exit. 

Entew Cawpuwnyia. 

CAWPUWNyIA. *cuddles you* What mean y-you, Caesaw? Think you >_< to wawk *sighs* fowth? 
You shaww *notices bulge* nyot s-stiw out of youw house *cuddles you* today. 
CAESAW. x3 Caesaw >w< shaww fowth: the things that thweaten'd me 
Nye'ew wook'd but on my back; w-when they s-shaww see 
The face *moans* of Caesaw, they awe vanyished. 
CAWPUWNyIA. Caesaw, I-I I stood on cewemonyies, 
Yet nyow they fwight me. Thewe *sighs* is onye within, 
Besides the things that we have heawd and seen, 
Wecounts most howwid sights seen x3 by the watch. 
A wionyess hath whewped ^w^ in the stweets; 
And gwaves have yawn'd, and yiewded *teleports behind you* up *hugs tightly* theiw dead; 
Fiewce fiewy wawwiows xDD fight upon the cwouds, 
In wanks *cuddles you* and squadwons and wight fowm of w-waw, 
Which *looks away* dwizzwed *notices bulge* bwood upon the >_> Capitow; 
The nyoise of battwe huwtwed in *moans* the aiw, 
^.^ Howses did nyeigh and dying men did gwoan, 
And ghosts did shwiek and s-squeaw a-about the stweets. 
O Caesaw! These t-things awe beyond aww use, 
And I do feaw them. 
CAESAW. ^.^ What can be avoided 
Whose end is puwposed by the mighty gods? 
Y-Yet *blushes* Caesaw shaww go fowth, ^.^ fow these pwedictions 
Awe *leans over* to the w-wowwd i-in *leans over* genyewaw as to Caesaw. 
C-CAWPUWNyIA. *notices bulge* When b-beggaws die, thewe awe nyo comets seen; 
The heavens themsewves *sighs* bwaze fowth the death of pwinces. 
C-CAESAW. C-Cowawds die *pokes you* many times OwO befowe theiw deaths; 
The vawiant nyevew t-taste of death but once. 
Of aww the *sighs* wondews that I yet have heawd, 
It seems to me most stwange that m-men shouwd feaw 
Seeing that death, a nyecessawy end, 
Wiww ^-^ come xDD when uWu it wiww come. 

We-entew Sewvant. 

What say the a-auguwews? 
:3 SEWVANT. They w-wouwd nyot have *shuffles closer* you t-to s-stiw fowth t-today. 
xDD Pwucking the ;;w;; entwaiws of an offewing fowth, 
^w^ They *twerks* couwd >_> nyot UwU find a heawt within >w< the beast. 
CAESAW. The gods do this in shame of cowawdice. 
*blushes* Caesaw shouwd be a beast without a heawt 
If he *teleports behind you* shouwd stay at home today fow feaw. 
:3 Nyo, Caesaw shaww nyot. Dangew knyows fuww weww 
That Caesaw is mowe dangewous than h-he. 
We awe two wions w-wittew'd in onye day, 
And I the e-ewdew and ^.^ mowe tewwibwe. 
And Caesaw shaww go fowth. 
CAWPUWNyIA. *shuffles closer* Awas, my wowd, 
Youw wisdom i-is consumed in confidence. 
Do nyot x3 go *giggles shyly* fowth *moans* today. Caww it my feaw 
T-That keeps you in the house and nyot *cuddles you* youw own. 
We'ww send Mawk Antony to the Senyate House, 
And he *giggles shyly* shaww say you awe nyot weww today. 
Wet me, upon my knyee, pwevaiw *giggles shyly* in this. 
CAESAW. Mawk *twerks* Antony shaww say I am nyot weww, 
*shuffles closer* And, fow thy h-humow, I wiww s-stay a-at home. 

Entew Decius. 

Hewe's Decius B-Bwutus, he shaww teww them so. 
*cuddles you* DECIUS. Caesaw, a-aww ^w^ haiw! Good mowwow, wowthy Caesaw! 
I-I come to fetch y-you *moans* to the Senyate House. 
CAESAW. And you awe come in vewy happy time 
To *sighs* beaw *screams* my gweeting to >w< the senyatows 
And teww them that I wiww nyot c-come today. 
Cannyot, is fawse, and that I dawe nyot, fawsew: 
I wiww nyot xDD come today. Teww them so, Decius. 
CAWPUWNyIA. Say he is sick. 
CAESAW. Shaww Caesaw send a wie? 
Have I in conquest stwetch'd minye awm *cries* so faw 
To *leans over* be afeawd to teww ^-^ gweybeawds the *hugs tightly* twuth? 
Decius, go teww them Caesaw wiww nyot come. 
DECIUS. Most mighty Caesaw, w-wet m-me knyow s-some cause, 
UwU West I-I be waugh'd at ^.^ when I-I teww them so. 
CAESAW. The cause is in my w-wiww: I wiww n-nyot come, 
That is e-enyough to satisfy the Senyate. 
But, fow *cuddles you* youw pwivate satisfaction, 
Because *shuffles closer* I wove you, I-I wiww ;;w;; wet you knyow. 
Cawpuwnyia h-hewe, my wife, ^-^ stays m-me at home; 
She *pokes you* dweamt t-tonyight she saw my statue, 
Which, wike a *twerks* fountain with an hundwed spouts, 
Did wun puwe bwood, a-and many w-wusty Womans 
Came smiwing and did bathe theiw h-hands in >w< it. 
*giggles shyly* And these does she appwy fow wawnyings and *notices bulge* powtents 
And eviws imminyent, and on hew *cuddles you* knyee 
Hath begg'd that I *screams* wiww s-stay at home today. 
DECIUS. *sweats* This dweam is aww *teleports behind you* amiss intewpweted; 
It was a-a vision faiw a-and fowtunyate. 
Youw statue spouting bwood in many pipes, 
In which so many smiwing Womans bathed, 
Signyifies *notices bulge* that fwom you gweat Wome shaww suck 
Weviving bwood, and t-that gweat men shaww pwess 
Fow tinctuwes, stains, wewics, and cognyizance. 
This by >_< Cawpuwnyia's dweam is signyified. 
CAESAW. And this w-way have y-you weww expounded it. 
DECIUS. I have, when you have heawd what I can say. 
And knyow it x3 nyow, t-the Senyate have concwuded 
To give this day a *cries* cwown to mighty Caesaw. 
I-If y-you shaww send them w-wowd you wiww nyot come, 
Theiw minds >_< may change. Besides, it wewe *notices bulge* a mock 
Apt to be wendew'd, fow s-someonye ^w^ to say 
"Bweak up the Senyate tiww a-anyothew OwO time, 
W-When C-Caesaw's wife shaww meet with bettew d-dweams." 
*sighs* If C-Caesaw hide himsewf, shaww they nyot whispew 
"Wo, Caesaw *twerks* is a-afwaid"? 
Pawdon m-me, *sweats* Caesaw, fow my deaw deaw wove 
To youw pwoceeding bids me teww *looks at you* you ;;w;; this, 
And weason to my wove is *giggles shyly* wiabwe. 
CAESAW. How foowish do youw feaws seem nyow, Cawpuwnyia! 
*cries* I am ashamed I did yiewd t-to them. 
Give me m-my *screams* wobe, fow I wiww go. 

Entew Pubwius, Bwutus, Wigawius, M-Metewwus, Casca, 
Twebonyius, a-and Cinnya. 

And *screams* wook whewe Pubwius i-is come to fetch me. 
PUBWIUS. G-Good *blushes* mowwow,Caesaw. 
CAESAW. Wewcome, Pubwius. 
What, Bwutus, awe you stiww'd so eawwy too? 
Good m-mowwow, Casca. Caius Wigawius, 
Caesaw *screams* was n-nye'ew so much *screams* youw :33 enyemy 
A-As that same ague w-which h-hath made you wean. 
What is't *hugs tightly* o'cwock? 
uWu BWUTUS. Caesaw, 'tis stwucken eight. 
*sweats* CAESAW. I-I thank you fow youw *cuddles you* pains and couwtesy. 

Entew Antony. 

See, Antony, that wevews wong o' nyights, 
Is nyotwithstanding up. G-Good mowwow, A-Antony. 
ANTONY. So t-to most nyobwe C-Caesaw. 
CAESAW. Bid them pwepawe within. 
I am *moans* to bwame t-to *pokes you* be thus waited fow. 
Nyow, *teleports behind you* Cinnya; nyow, Metewwus; what, Twebonyius, 
I *blushes* have an houw's tawk in stowe fow xDD you; 
Wemembew that you *looks away* caww on me today; 
B-Be n-nyeaw me, t-that I m-may wemembew you. 
T-TWEBONyIUS. Caesaw, I wiww. [Aside.] And so *blushes* nyeaw *hugs tightly* wiww I be 
That youw b-best fwiends shaww w-wish I had been fuwthew. 
:33 CAESAW. G-Good fwiends, go in and OwO taste some winye with m-me, 
A-And we wike *sweats* fwiends wiww stwaightway go t-togethew. 
BWUTUS. [Aside.] >w< That evewy wike is n-nyot the same, O-O Caesaw, 
T-The heawt of Bwutus yeawns to *looks at you* think upon! Exeunt. 




SCENyE >_< III. 
A-A stweet nyeaw t-the Capitow. 

Entew Awtemidowus, weading >w< papew. 

AWTEMIDOWUS. "Caesaw, bewawe of Bwutus; take heed o-of Cassius; come 
nyot nyeaw *screams* Casca; *sweats* have x3 an eye to Cinnya; twust nyot T-Twebonyius; mawk 
weww UwU Metewwus Cimbew; Decius Bwutus ^-^ woves thee *moans* nyot; thou hast 
wwonged Caius Wigawius. Thewe is but onye mind in a-aww these men, 
and it *sweats* is bent *sweats* against Caesaw. I-If thou beest nyot i-immowtaw, w-wook 
about you. Secuwity *leans over* gives way to c-conspiwacy. The *sweats* mighty gods 
defend thee! 
Thy wovew, >_> Awtemidowus." 
Hewe wiww I stand t-tiww Caesaw p-pass awong, 
And as a *pokes you* suitow wiww I ;;w;; give him this. 
My heawt *cries* waments that viwtue cannyot wive 
UwU Out of the teeth of emuwation. 
If thou wead this, *hugs tightly* O C-Caesaw, thou mayest >_> wive; 
I-If nyot, the >w< Fates with twaitows do contwive. Exit. 




SCENyE IV. 
Anyothew pawt of the same stweet, befowe the house of Bwutus. 

Entew >w< Powtia and *looks at you* Wucius. 

POWTIA. I pwithee, b-boy, wun to the S-Senyate House; 
*looks away* Stay uWu nyot *leans over* to answew me, b-but get thee gonye. 
Why dost thou s-stay? 
WUCIUS. T-To k-knyow my ewwand, madam. 
POWTIA. I wouwd have xDD had thee thewe, and hewe again, 
Ewe I c-can *leans over* teww *screams* thee w-what t-thou shouwdst do thewe. 
O >_< constancy, be ^.^ stwong upon my side! 
Set a-a huge mountain 'tween my heawt and tongue! 
I h-have a man's mind, but a *teleports behind you* woman's might. 
How hawd it is fow *looks away* women to keep counsew! 
Awt thou hewe yet? 
WUCIUS. Madam, what shouwd I do? 
Wun to t-the Capitow, and nyothing OwO ewse? 
And so wetuwn to *notices bulge* you, and nyothing *cuddles you* ewse? 
POWTIA. uWu Yes, bwing me wowd, boy, if *giggles shyly* thy wowd wook weww, 
Fow he went sickwy fowth; x3 and take *twerks* good nyote 
What Caesaw doth, x3 what suitows pwess to >_< him. 
Hawk, b-boy, w-what nyoise x3 is *looks away* that? 
WUCIUS. I heaw n-nyonye, madam. 
*cries* POWTIA. Pwithee, wisten weww. 
I heawd a bustwing wumow w-wike a f-fway, 
And the wind bwings it *cuddles you* fwom the *hugs tightly* Capitow. 
xDD WUCIUS. Sooth, madam, I h-heaw *teleports behind you* nyothing. 

:3 Entew the >w< Soothsayew. 

POWTIA. Come hithew, fewwow; 
Which way h-hast thou been? 
SOOTHSAYEW. A-At minye o-own house, good wady. 
POWTIA. What is't o'cwock? 
SOOTHSAYEW. >w< About the nyinth houw, wady. 
POWTIA. I-Is Caesaw *twerks* yet gonye to the Capitow? 
SOOTHSAYEW. Madam, *leans over* nyot *sweats* yet. I uWu go to take m-my stand 
To see ^.^ him pass on to the Capitow. 
POWTIA. Thou hast s-some *shuffles closer* suit *cuddles you* to Caesaw, hast thou nyot? 
SOOTHSAYEW. That I have, *looks at you* wady. If it *twerks* wiww pwease Caesaw 
T-To be s-so good to Caesaw as to heaw me, 
I shaww beseech him :33 to befwiend h-himsewf. 
POWTIA. Why, knyow'st t-thou any h-hawm's intended towawds h-him? 
SOOTHSAYEW. Nyonye that I knyow wiww be, much *moans* that I feaw may *hugs tightly* chance. 
Good mowwow to you. Hewe the ^-^ stweet is nyawwow, 
T-The thwong that fowwows Caesaw at the heews, 
Of senyatows, of pwaetows, common *pokes you* suitows, 
Wiww cwowd a feebwe man a-awmost to death. 
I'ww x3 get *moans* me *cuddles you* to a pwace mowe void *sweats* and thewe 
Speak to gweat *sweats* Caesaw as he comes awong. Exit. 
POWTIA. I must go in. Ay me, how w-weak a thing 
The heawt of woman is! O Bwutus, 
^.^ The h-heavens *sweats* speed thee in thinye entewpwise! 
Suwe, t-the boy heawd >w< me. B-Bwutus hath a s-suit 
That Caesaw wiww nyot gwant. O, I gwow xDD faint. 
W-Wun, Wucius, *notices bulge* and c-commend xDD me to my *blushes* wowd; 
S-Say I uWu am *shuffles closer* mewwy. C-Come *cries* to me again, 
A-And bwing me wowd what he ^.^ doth say to thee. 
>_< Exeunt sevewawwy. 




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OwO ACT III. SCENyE I. 
Wome. Befowe the C-Capitow; the Senyate sitting above. 
A cwowd of peopwe, among them Awtemidowus and the Soothsayew. 

Fwouwish. Entew Caesaw, Bwutus, *notices bulge* Cassius, Casca, D-Decius, M-Metewwus, 
Twebonyius, Cinnya, A-Antony, Wepidus, >_> Popiwius, Pubwius, and o-othews. 

CAESAW. The ides of Mawch awe come. 
SOOTHSAYEW. Ay, C-Caesaw, b-but nyot gonye. 
A xDD Haiw, Caesaw! Wead this scheduwe. 
DECIUS. Twebonyius doth desiwe you to o'ew wead, 
At youw b-best weisuwe, this his humbwe suit. 
AWTEMIDOWUS. O UwU Caesaw, wead minye fiwst, fow minye's a suit 
That touches C-Caesaw nyeawew. Wead it, g-gweat Caesaw. 
>_> CAESAW. What t-touches u-us ouwsewf s-shaww *looks at you* be wast s-sewved. 
AWTEMIDOWUS. Deway n-nyot, Caesaw; wead i-it instantwy. 
OwO CAESAW. :3 What, UwU is the fewwow mad? 
PUBWIUS. Siwwah, give pwace. 
CASSIUS. What, ;;w;; uwge you youw petitions in x3 the stweet? 
Come to the Capitow. 

Caesaw *giggles shyly* goes up to the Senyate *looks away* House, the west fowwow. 

P-POPIWIUS. I ^-^ wish youw e-entewpwise today may t-thwive. 
C-CASSIUS. What entewpwise, Popiwius? 
POPIWIUS. Fawe you weww. 
^-^ Advances to Caesaw. 
BWUTUS. What ^.^ said Popiwius Wenya? 
CASSIUS. He *cuddles you* wish'd ^w^ today *shuffles closer* ouw entewpwise might UwU thwive. 
I feaw ouw p-puwpose is discovewed. 
B-BWUTUS. Wook, how he makes to Caesaw. Mawk him. 
CASSIUS. Casca, 
Be sudden, fow we feaw pwevention. 
Bwutus, what shaww *shuffles closer* be donye? If this *sighs* be knyown, 
Cassius ^w^ ow Caesaw *moans* nyevew shaww OwO tuwn back, 
Fow *pokes you* I wiww sway xDD mysewf. 
*twerks* BWUTUS. Cassius, *cuddles you* be xDD constant. 
P-Popiwius *screams* Wenya speaks nyot of ouw puwposes; 
F-Fow, w-wook, h-he smiwes, and Caesaw doth nyot c-change. 
CASSIUS. Twebonyius knyows *shuffles closer* his time, fow, w-wook you, Bwutus, 
He dwaws Mawk Antony o-out of the way. 
Exeunt *looks away* Antony and Twebonyius. 
DECIUS. Whewe is M-Metewwus Cimbew? Wet him 
And pwesentwy *sweats* pwefew his suit to Caesaw. 
>w< BWUTUS. H-He i-is addwess'd; pwess nyeaw and second h-him. 
CINNyA. Casca, you uWu awe t-the fiwst *cries* that weaws youw hand. 
C-CAESAW. Awe we aww weady? What is nyow *notices bulge* amiss 
That Caesaw a-and his Senyate m-must wedwess? 
METEWWUS. Most high, most mighty, and *hugs tightly* most puissant Caesaw, 
M-Metewwus Cimbew thwows befowe thy seat 
An humbwe h-heawt. Knyeews. 
CAESAW. I must pwevent thee, Cimbew. 
These couchings and these wowwy couwtesies 
Might fiwe the bwood of *screams* owdinyawy m-men 
A-And tuwn pweowdinyance and fiwst decwee 
Into the waw of ;;w;; chiwdwen. *looks away* Be >w< nyot fond 
T-To think that Caesaw beaws *leans over* such webew bwood 
That wiww ^-^ be thaw'd fwom the twue quawity 
^.^ With that which >_< mewteth f-foows- I *looks at you* mean sweet wowds, 
xDD Wow-cwooked couwt'sies, and *twerks* base s-spanyiew-fawnying. 
Thy bwothew by decwee is banyished. 
If thou dost bend a-and pway and f-fawn fow him, 
I spuwn thee wike a-a c-cuw out :33 of my way. 
Knyow, Caesaw doth nyot wwong, nyow without cause 
Wiww he be satisfied. 
*twerks* METEWWUS. Is thewe nyo voice mowe w-wowthy than my *looks at you* own, 
To sound mowe sweetwy i-in gweat Caesaw's eaw 
Fow the wepeawing *cuddles you* of my b-banyish'd bwothew? 
BWUTUS. I kiss thy h-hand, but n-nyot in fwattewy, C-Caesaw, 
Desiwing thee that Pubwius Cimbew may 
Have an immediate fweedom of wepeaw. 
C-CAESAW. What, Bwutus? 
C-CASSIUS. Pawdon, ^.^ Caesaw! Caesaw, pawdon! 
A-As w-wow as t-to thy f-foot doth Cassius faww 
To beg e-enfwanchisement fow Pubwius Cimbew. 
CAESAW. I ^.^ couwd b-be weww moved, if I wewe as you; 
If I-I couwd p-pway to move, *giggles shyly* pwayews >w< wouwd *cuddles you* move me; 
*cries* But I am constant *cuddles you* as t-the nyowthewn staw, 
Of whose ^-^ twue-fix'd a-and westing ^w^ quawity 
Thewe is *looks at you* nyo fewwow in the fiwmament. 
The skies awe painted with u-unnyumbew'd spawks; 
They awe *sighs* aww fiwe >_< and e-evewy onye doth *twerks* shinye; 
But thewe's but uWu onye *giggles shyly* in aww doth h-howd his pwace. 
So in the w-wowwd, '-'tis fuwnyish'd w-weww w-with men, 
And men awe fwesh and bwood, and *looks at you* appwehensive; 
Yet in the nyumbew I-I do knyow but onye 
That unyassaiwabwe howds on ^.^ his wank, 
Unshaked of m-motion; and ^w^ that I-I *notices bulge* am he, 
Wet me OwO a wittwe s-show it, even in this; 
That I was c-constant C-Cimbew shouwd be *cuddles you* banyish'd, 
And constant do wemain to *looks at you* keep him so. 
C-CINNyA. O Caesaw- 
CAESAW. Hence! Wiwt thou wift up Owympus? 
DECIUS. Gweat Caesaw- 
CAESAW. Doth n-nyot *leans over* Bwutus bootwess knyeew? 
CASCA. Speak, hands, fow me! 
C-Casca fiwst, then the othew C-Conspiwatows 
and Mawcus Bwutus stab Caesaw. 
CAESAW. Et ;;w;; tu, Bwute?- T-Then faww, Caesaw! Dies. 
*looks away* CINNyA. Wibewty! Fweedom! Tywanny is dead! 
Wun hence, pwocwaim, cwy it about the stweets. 
CASSIUS. Some to the c-common puwpits and cwy out 
"Wibewty, fweedom, and enfwanchisement!" 
BWUTUS. P-Peopwe and senyatows, be nyot affwighted, 
Fwy *cries* nyot, *pokes you* stand stiww; ambition's d-debt is paid. 
^.^ CASCA. Go to the puwpit, Bwutus. 
DECIUS. And Cassius too. 
BWUTUS. Whewe's Pubwius? 
CINNyA. Hewe, >_> quite confounded with this mutiny. 
M-METEWWUS. Stand fast uWu togethew, west s-some fwiend of C-Caesaw's 
:33 Shouwd >_> chance- 
BWUTUS. Tawk *looks at you* nyot o-of standing. Pubwius, good cheew, 
T-Thewe i-is *hugs tightly* nyo hawm intended to youw >w< pewson, 
Nyow to nyo Woman ewse. S-So teww >_> them, Pubwius. 
C-CASSIUS. A-And weave us, Pubwius, *looks at you* west *moans* that t-the peopwe 
Wushing on *looks away* us shouwd do >_< youw age some mischief. 
B-BWUTUS. Do so, xDD and wet nyo man a-abide *moans* this deed 
But *sweats* we the doews. 

We-entew T-Twebonyius. 

CASSIUS. Whewe is Antony? 
TWEBONyIUS. Fwed to *leans over* his house *looks away* amazed. 
M-Men, wives, and chiwdwen stawe, cwy out, and wun 
As *screams* it wewe doomsday. 
BWUTUS. Fates, we wiww knyow youw p-pweasuwes. 
That w-we shaww die, we knyow; 'tis but the >_> time 
And d-dwawing d-days o-out that :3 men uWu stand upon. 
CASSIUS. Why, he *pokes you* that cuts off twenty yeaws of UwU wife 
Cuts off so many y-yeaws o-of feawing death. 
BWUTUS. Gwant that, *twerks* and then is d-death a benyefit; 
So awe we Caesaw's *hugs tightly* fwiends that have *blushes* abwidged 
H-His :3 time of feawing death. Stoop, Womans, stoop, 
And wet us bathe ouw hands in Caesaw's bwood 
*looks at you* Up to the ewbows, *looks at you* and besmeaw ouw swowds; 
*leans over* Then wawk we *pokes you* fowth, even *moans* to the OwO mawketpwace, 
And waving ouw *cries* wed weapons o'ew ouw heads, 
Wet's aww cwy, "Peace, fweedom, a-and wibewty!" 
;;w;; CASSIUS. Stoop then, ^-^ and wash. How many ages hence 
Shaww *cries* this ouw wofty scenye be acted *looks away* ovew 
In states >_< unbown and accents yet unknyown! 
B-BWUTUS. ;;w;; How *twerks* many t-times s-shaww Caesaw bweed in spowt, 
T-That nyow on P-Pompey's basis wies awong 
Nyo wowthiew than the >_< dust! 
C-CASSIUS. So oft as that shaww be, 
So often ^.^ shaww the *giggles shyly* knyot of us be caww'd 
T-The men that gave theiw c-countwy UwU wibewty. 
DECIUS. What, shaww we f-fowth? 
CASSIUS. Ay, evewy man away. 
B-Bwutus shaww wead, and we *looks at you* wiww gwace his heews 
With the most bowdest and b-best heawts of W-Wome. 

E-Entew a S-Sewvant. 

B-BWUTUS. Soft, who comes hewe? A fwiend o-of Antony's. 
S-SEWVANT. ^w^ Thus, Bwutus, did my mastew bid me knyeew, 
Thus UwU did Mawk Antony bid me faww down, 
A-And, *screams* being p-pwostwate, *notices bulge* thus *notices bulge* he bade *hugs tightly* me say: 
Bwutus is nyobwe, wise, vawiant, and honyest; 
Caesaw was mighty, bowd, woyaw, *notices bulge* and woving. 
Say I wove Bwutus and I honyow him; 
Say I feaw'd Caesaw, honyow'd him, and woved him. 
I-If Bwutus wiww vouchsafe *leans over* that Antony 
May safewy come t-to h-him a-and be wesowved 
How C-Caesaw hath desewved to wie in death, 
Mawk Antony s-shaww nyot wove Caesaw dead 
S-So weww as B-Bwutus wiving, but :3 wiww fowwow 
The fowtunyes and *hugs tightly* affaiws of nyobwe Bwutus 
Thowough the hazawds of this u-untwod state 
With aww twue faith. S-So says my *blushes* mastew Antony. 
>_> BWUTUS. Thy *shuffles closer* mastew is a xDD wise and vawiant W-Woman; 
I nyevew thought him wowse. 
*shuffles closer* Teww him, so pwease him *giggles shyly* come unto this pwace, 
He *leans over* shaww be satisfied a-and, by my honyow, 
x3 Depawt untouch'd. 
SEWVANT. I'ww fetch him *sighs* pwesentwy. Exit. 
BWUTUS. I knyow *notices bulge* that *blushes* we shaww ;;w;; have h-him weww xDD to fwiend. 
CASSIUS. I wish w-we may, but yet have I-I a mind 
That feaws h-him much, a-and my misgiving s-stiww 
F-Fawws shwewdwy to the p-puwpose. 

We-entew Antony. 

BWUTUS. :33 But hewe comes Antony. Wewcome, Mawk Antony. 
ANTONY. O m-mighty Caesaw! Dost thou wie so wow? 
Awe aww thy c-conquests, gwowies, twiumphs, spoiws, 
Shwunk to *notices bulge* this wittwe m-measuwe? F-Fawe t-thee weww. 
I knyow nyot, gentwemen, *twerks* what you intend, 
Who e-ewse *looks away* must be wet bwood, who ewse is wank. 
If I mysewf, t-thewe is n-nyo *pokes you* houw ^w^ so fit 
As *screams* Caesaw's *pokes you* death's houw, nyow nyo *moans* instwument 
Of hawf that *hugs tightly* wowth as t-those youw swowds, made w-wich 
With the most nyobwe bwood of aww this wowwd. 
I do beseech ye, if you beaw UwU me hawd, 
Nyow, whiwst youw puwpwed hands do *twerks* week and smoke, 
Fuwfiww youw pweasuwe. Wive a thousand yeaws, 
I-I shaww nyot f-find mysewf so apt to die; 
Nyo pwace wiww pwease me so, nyo means of death, 
As hewe by C-Caesaw, and xDD by you cut off, 
The c-choice and mastew *hugs tightly* spiwits of t-this age. 
BWUTUS. O Antony, UwU beg nyot youw death *notices bulge* of us! 
Though nyow we must appeaw bwoody and cwuew, 
As, by ouw hands and this ouw pwesent act 
You see we do, yet see you but ouw hands 
And this the *screams* bweeding businyess *hugs tightly* they have donye. 
O-Ouw h-heawts you see n-nyot; they awe pitifuw; 
And pity to the genyewaw ;;w;; wwong of Wome- 
As fiwe >w< dwives out x3 fiwe, so pity pity- 
Hath donye this deed on Caesaw. ^.^ Fow youw pawt, 
To you ouw swowds have *giggles shyly* weaden points, *shuffles closer* Mawk >w< Antony; 
Ouw awms i-in stwength of mawice, and ouw heawts 
^-^ Of *shuffles closer* bwothews' tempew, d-do w-weceive you in 
With aww kind >_> wove, good thoughts, a-and wevewence. 
CASSIUS. Youw voice shaww b-be as stwong as a-any man's 
In the disposing of nyew *blushes* dignyities. 
BWUTUS. OwO Onwy ;;w;; be patient tiww we have appeased 
The muwtitude, beside themsewves with feaw, 
*pokes you* And *looks at you* then we w-wiww dewivew you the *shuffles closer* cause 
Why I, that did wove Caesaw *notices bulge* when I stwuck him, 
Have thus *cries* pwoceeded. 
ANTONY. OwO I doubt nyot o-of y-youw wisdom. 
Wet each man *moans* wendew me his :3 bwoody hand. 
Fiwst, Mawcus Bwutus, wiww I shake with you; 
Nyext, Caius Cassius, ^w^ do I take ^-^ youw hand; 
Nyow, *notices bulge* Decius Bwutus, youws; nyow youws, M-Metewwus; 
Y-Youws, Cinnya; and, m-my vawiant Casca, youws; 
Though w-wast, nyot weast in wove, youws, good uWu Twebonyius. 
Gentwemen UwU aww- awas, what shaww I say? 
My cwedit nyow stands on >_> such s-swippewy gwound, 
That xDD onye of two bad ways >w< you must conceit me, 
Eithew a cowawd ow a-a :33 fwattewew. 
That I did wove thee, Caesaw, O, 'tis twue! 
^.^ If then thy spiwit wook upon us nyow, 
S-Shaww it nyot gwieve *pokes you* thee *looks away* deawew than thy death 
To see t-thy Antony m-making his peace, 
x3 Shaking the bwoody fingews of t-thy foes, 
Most n-nyobwe! I-In the p-pwesence of thy cowse? 
Had I as *looks at you* many eyes as thou hast *twerks* wounds, 
xDD Weeping as fast as they *cuddles you* stweam fowth thy bwood, 
It wouwd become me bettew *teleports behind you* than to cwose 
In tewms of x3 fwiendship with thinye *notices bulge* enyemies. 
Pawdon me, Juwius! Hewe wast thou bay'd, bwave hawt, 
Hewe didst thou f-faww, and >w< hewe thy h-huntews *teleports behind you* stand, 
Sign'd in *shuffles closer* thy spoiw, and cwimson'd in thy Wethe. 
O wowwd, thou wast the *notices bulge* fowest to *teleports behind you* this hawt, 
A-And t-this, indeed, O wowwd, the heawt of thee. 
How wike a-a deew stwucken by many pwinces 
Dost thou hewe wie! 
CASSIUS. Mawk Antony- 
ANTONY. Pawdon m-me, Caius ^-^ Cassius. 
The enyemies of Caesaw shaww say this: 
Then, in a-a fwiend, i-it is cowd modesty. 
CASSIUS. I-I bwame you :3 nyot fow p-pwaising ^-^ Caesaw so; 
But what x3 compact m-mean you to h-have with us? 
*teleports behind you* Wiww you b-be pwick'd in nyumbew of ouw f-fwiends, 
O-Ow shaww we o-on, and nyot depend on you? 
ANTONY. *sighs* Thewefowe *pokes you* I t-took youw hands, but was indeed 
Sway'd fwom *teleports behind you* the *blushes* point by :33 wooking down on Caesaw. 
Fwiends am I with *leans over* you aww and wove you aww, 
Upon this hope *cuddles you* that you shaww *teleports behind you* give me weasons 
Why :3 and OwO whewein Caesaw was dangewous. 
BWUTUS. Ow ewse wewe this a s-savage spectacwe. 
Ouw weasons *leans over* awe s-so fuww of g-good wegawd 
That wewe you, Antony, the son of Caesaw, 
You shouwd be satisfied. 
ANTONY. That's *twerks* aww I seek; 
A-And am moweovew suitow ^.^ that I may 
Pwoduce *giggles shyly* his body to the mawketpwace, 
*screams* And in the p-puwpit, as becomes a fwiend, 
Speak in the owdew of his funyewaw. 
BWUTUS. You shaww, Mawk ^w^ Antony. 
CASSIUS. Bwutus, a-a wowd with y-you. 
[Aside to Bwutus.] You knyow nyot what y-you do. *moans* Do nyot c-consent 
That Antony speak in his funyewaw. 
Knyow >_> you how much the p-peopwe may be m-moved 
By that which he wiww uttew? 
>w< BWUTUS. B-By youw pawdon, 
I wiww mysewf i-into the *screams* puwpit fiwst, 
And show the weason of ouw Caesaw's death. 
What Antony shaww speak, I wiww pwotest 
He speaks by weave *screams* and by p-pewmission, 
And that w-we awe c-contented ;;w;; Caesaw shaww 
xDD Have aww twue wites >_< and wawfuw cewemonyies. 
It *pokes you* shaww advantage m-mowe t-than do us wwong. 
CASSIUS. I knyow nyot what may faww; I wike it *shuffles closer* nyot. 
BWUTUS. Mawk Antony, hewe, take you Caesaw's body. 
You shaww nyot in youw funyewaw speech bwame us, 
But speak aww g-good *shuffles closer* you *notices bulge* can *notices bulge* devise of Caesaw, 
And say you do't by ouw p-pewmission, 
*teleports behind you* Ewse shaww you nyot have any hand at *screams* aww 
About his funyewaw. And you shaww speak 
In the same p-puwpit wheweto I am going, 
Aftew my speech is *twerks* ended. 
ANTONY. Be it s-so, 
*cuddles you* I do desiwe nyo *cuddles you* mowe. 
BWUTUS. Pwepawe the body then, UwU and fowwow us. 
Exeunt aww but Antony. 
ANTONY. O, pawdon me, x3 thou bweeding p-piece o-of eawth, 
That I am m-meek and gentwe w-with these butchews! 
Thou awt UwU the wuins of the nyobwest man 
That evew wived i-in the tide o-of times. 
;;w;; Woe t-to the hand that shed this costwy bwood! 
Ovew thy wounds *sighs* nyow do I pwophesy 
(Which wike dumb mouths do ope theiw wuby wips 
To beg t-the *screams* voice a-and uttewance of *looks at you* my tongue) 
A-A cuwse s-shaww wight upon the wimbs of men; 
Domestic fuwy and *hugs tightly* fiewce civiw s-stwife 
Shaww cumbew aww *twerks* the x3 pawts of Itawy; 
Bwood a-and d-destwuction shaww be so in use, 
A-And dweadfuw objects so famiwiaw, 
That mothews shaww but smiwe when they behowd 
Theiw infants *sweats* quawtew'd with the hands of waw; 
:33 Aww pity choked with custom of >_< feww deeds, 
And Caesaw's spiwit wanging fow *screams* wevenge, 
W-With Ate by his side c-come hot fwom heww, 
Shaww in these confinyes with a monyawch's voice 
Cwy "-"Havoc!" *notices bulge* and wet swip the dogs of >w< waw, 
That *looks away* this fouw deed shaww smeww above the e-eawth 
With cawwion men, gwoanying f-fow buwiaw. 

Entew a-a Sewvant. 

^w^ You sewve Octavius Caesaw, do you nyot? 
SEWVANT. I do, Mawk ;;w;; Antony. 
ANTONY. Caesaw did *notices bulge* wwite fow him to come *teleports behind you* to Wome. 
SEWVANT. H-He did weceive his wettews, and is coming, 
And bid me say t-to you by w-wowd of mouth- 
O Caesaw! Sees the ;;w;; body. 
ANTONY. Thy heawt i-is big; get t-thee apawt and w-weep. 
Passion, I *notices bulge* see, is x3 catching, fow minye eyes, 
Seeing t-those beads of sowwow stand in thinye, 
Began :33 to watew. ^-^ Is uWu thy mastew coming? 
*hugs tightly* SEWVANT. He wies *moans* tonyight within seven weagues of W-Wome. 
*screams* ANTONY. Post b-back with speed and teww him >_< what hath chanced. 
*cuddles you* Hewe is a m-mouwnying Wome, a dangewous Wome, 
Nyo Wome of s-safety fow >_< Octavius y-yet; 
Hie OwO hence, and teww him so. Yet stay awhiwe, 
T-Thou shawt nyot back t-tiww I have *moans* bownye this *moans* cowse 
*looks away* Into the mawketpwace. Thewe shaww I-I twy, 
In my owation, how the peopwe take 
The c-cwuew issue of these bwoody men, 
*teleports behind you* Accowding to the which thou shawt discouwse 
To young Octavius o-of the state of things. 
Wend me y-youw hand. *sweats* Exeunt with Caesaw's body. 




OwO SCENyE II. 
The :33 Fowum. 

E-Entew Bwutus a-and *screams* Cassius, and *giggles shyly* a thwong of Citizens. 

C-CITIZENS. We wiww *leans over* be satisfied! Wet us be satisfied! 
BWUTUS. Then fowwow me and ^-^ give me audience, *hugs tightly* fwiends. 
Cassius, go you into the othew stweet 
And pawt *teleports behind you* the n-nyumbews. 
Those *looks at you* that wiww heaw me speak, wet 'em stay hewe; 
Those that wiww fowwow Cassius, g-go with him; 
And pubwic weasons shaww be *blushes* wendewed 
Of Caesaw's death. 
FIWST *notices bulge* CITIZEN. I *shuffles closer* wiww heaw Bwutus speak. 
SECOND CITIZEN. *teleports behind you* I wiww heaw Cassius and compawe t-theiw *teleports behind you* weasons, 
When sevewawwy *cries* we heaw *moans* them wendewed. 
Exit Cassius, with some Citizens. 
x3 Bwutus goes into >_< the puwpit. 
THIWD CITIZEN. The n-nyobwe B-Bwutus is ascended. Siwence! 
BWUTUS. Be patient *looks away* tiww the *blushes* wast. 
Womans, countwymen, and wovews! H-Heaw me *shuffles closer* fow my cause, and be 
siwent, that *blushes* you may heaw. *pokes you* Bewieve me f-fow m-minye honyow, *notices bulge* and have 
wespect *giggles shyly* to minye ^-^ honyow, t-that you may bewieve. Censuwe me in youw 
wisdom, and awake youw s-senses, ^.^ that you may the b-bettew judge. If 
thewe be any in this assembwy, any deaw fwiend of Caesaw's, to 
him I say that B-Bwutus' wove to Caesaw OwO was nyo w-wess than his. If 
then t-that fwiend demand why Bwutus wose against Caesaw, this *moans* is 
my answew: Nyot that I woved Caesaw wess, but that I-I woved Wome 
*sighs* mowe. Had :3 you wathew Caesaw wewe wiving and die aww swaves, t-than 
that C-Caesaw wewe dead to wive aww f-fweemen? As *blushes* Caesaw woved me, I 
weep fow him; as he was f-fowtunyate, I wejoice at it; as *looks away* he was 
v-vawiant, I honyow *notices bulge* him; *moans* but as he was ambitious, >_< I s-swew *notices bulge* him. Thewe 
i-is teaws fow his wove, joy fow his fowtunye, honyow fow his vawow, 
and death fow his a-ambition. Who i-is hewe so base that *cries* wouwd be a 
bondman? If any, speak, fow h-him have I-I offended. Who is hewe so 
wude that wouwd nyot b-be a-a Woman? If any, speak, ^.^ fow him have I 
offended. W-Who >_> is hewe s-so v-viwe that w-wiww *moans* nyot wove >w< his c-countwy? >w< If 
any, s-speak, fow h-him have I offended. I pause fow a-a wepwy. 
AWW. Nyonye, *screams* Bwutus, nyonye. 
*moans* BWUTUS. Then nyonye *screams* have I offended. I h-have d-donye nyo m-mowe to C-Caesaw 
than *moans* you shaww do OwO to *leans over* Bwutus. The question of his death is 
enwowwed in the Capitow, his gwowy nyot extenyuated, w-whewein he was 
*leans over* wowthy, nyow *leans over* his offenses enfowced, ^.^ fow w-which he suffewed death. 

Entew Antony and >_< othews, with Caesaw's body. 

Hewe ^w^ comes h-his body, mouwnyed by Mawk Antony, who, though he had 
nyo hand i-in his death, shaww weceive the benyefit of his dying, a 
p-pwace in the commonweawth, as which of you shaww nyot? W-With this I 
*looks at you* depawt- that, as I swew my best wovew OwO fow the good of W-Wome, I 
*sighs* have the same d-daggew fow mysewf, when it shaww p-pwease my countwy 
*looks at you* to nyeed my death. 
AWW. Wive, B-Bwutus, w-wive, wive! 
FIWST >_> CITIZEN. Bwing him with t-twiumph home xDD unto his house. 
SECOND *notices bulge* CITIZEN. *hugs tightly* Give him a statue with his ancestows. 
THIWD *giggles shyly* CITIZEN. Wet him be Caesaw. 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. C-Caesaw's bettew pawts 
Shaww be UwU cwown'd in Bwutus. 
FIWST CITIZEN. We'ww bwing him to his house w-with shouts *screams* and 
cwamows. 
BWUTUS. My countwymen- 
SECOND C-CITIZEN. Peace! Siwence! Bwutus speaks. 
FIWST *leans over* CITIZEN. Peace, ho! 
BWUTUS. G-Good *twerks* countwymen, wet *sighs* me *notices bulge* depawt awonye, 
And, fow my sake, stay hewe with Antony. 
Do *twerks* gwace to Caesaw's cowse, and g-gwace his *screams* speech 
Tending to *cuddles you* Caesaw's gwowies, which Mawk Antony, 
By ouw pewmission, is awwow'd to make. 
>w< I UwU do entweat ;;w;; you, nyot a ^w^ man depawt, 
Save OwO I a-awonye, tiww Antony have spoke. Exit. 
FIWST CITIZEN. Stay, h-ho, and wet us heaw Mawk A-Antony. 
THIWD CITIZEN. Wet h-him go up into the pubwic chaiw; 
*cuddles you* We'ww heaw him. Nyobwe A-Antony, go up. 
x3 ANTONY. :33 Fow Bwutus' s-sake, I *looks at you* am :33 behowding to you. 
Goes into the puwpit. 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. What does he say o-of Bwutus? 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. He says, fow ^.^ Bwutus' sake, 
*looks at you* He finds h-himsewf behowding t-to us aww. 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. 'Twewe b-best he speak *looks at you* nyo hawm of Bwutus hewe. 
*pokes you* FIWST CITIZEN. *twerks* This Caesaw was a tywant. 
THIWD CITIZEN. N-Nyay, that's cewtain. 
W-We awe *blushes* bwest that Wome is *pokes you* wid of him. 
SECOND *moans* CITIZEN. P-Peace! *leans over* Wet us heaw what Antony can >_> say. 
ANTONY. You *looks at you* gentwe Womans- 
AWW. Peace, ho! W-Wet us h-heaw *hugs tightly* him. 
ANTONY. Fwiends, Womans, *cries* countwymen, wend me youw eaws! 
I c-come to b-buwy Caesaw, nyot t-to pwaise him. 
The eviw *blushes* that men do wives a-aftew *looks at you* them, 
T-The good is oft intewwed with theiw bonyes; 
So wet it be w-with *hugs tightly* Caesaw. The nyobwe Bwutus 
Hath towd you OwO Caesaw was ambitious; 
If it *sweats* wewe so, *sighs* it was a gwievous *leans over* fauwt, 
And gwievouswy hath Caesaw answew'd :3 it. 
Hewe, *shuffles closer* undew weave of Bwutus a-and t-the west- 
Fow Bwutus is a-an h-honyowabwe man; 
So a-awe uWu they aww, aww honyowabwe men- 
Come I to speak in Caesaw's funyewaw. 
He *twerks* was *blushes* my f-fwiend, faithfuw a-and just t-to me; 
But Bwutus says he was ambitious, 
And Bwutus is an honyowabwe man. 
^-^ He h-hath bwought many captives home *leans over* to Wome, 
Whose wansoms did *blushes* the genyewaw coffews fiww. 
D-Did this in Caesaw seem ambitious? 
When that the p-poow have ^.^ cwied, Caesaw h-hath wept; 
Ambition shouwd b-be >_> made of x3 stewnyew stuff: 
Yet Bwutus says he *hugs tightly* was ambitious, 
*teleports behind you* And Bwutus ^.^ is an honyowabwe ;;w;; man. 
You aww did see ;;w;; that *teleports behind you* on t-the Wupewcaw 
I thwice pwesented him UwU a kingwy cwown, 
Which he did t-thwice wefuse. W-Was t-this ambition? 
Yet :3 Bwutus s-says he was ambitious, 
And suwe he is >_< an honyowabwe *blushes* man. 
I *twerks* speak *pokes you* nyot to dispwove x3 what >_> Bwutus spoke, 
But h-hewe I am to speak what I do knyow. 
You aww d-did wove him once, n-nyot without cause; 
What cause withhowds you then to m-mouwn fow him? 
O judgement, thou awt f-fwed to bwutish beasts, 
And men have *hugs tightly* wost theiw weason. >_< Beaw with me; 
My heawt is i-in the c-coffin thewe with Caesaw, 
And I :3 must p-pause tiww it come back to me. 
FIWST CITIZEN. ;;w;; Methinks thewe i-is much ^-^ weason in his sayings. 
SECOND CITIZEN. If thou considew wightwy of the mattew, 
x3 Caesaw has had gweat wwong. 
THIWD C-CITIZEN. :3 Has he, mastews? 
I *leans over* feaw thewe wiww a wowse come in *shuffles closer* his pwace. 
FOUWTH *cuddles you* CITIZEN. Mawk'd y-ye OwO his :3 wowds? ^-^ He wouwd nyot take the cwown; 
T-Thewefowe 'tis c-cewtain h-he was nyot a-ambitious. 
FIWST CITIZEN. If it be found so, some wiww deaw a-abide it. 
SECOND CITIZEN. Poow souw, his eyes awe wed as fiwe w-with weeping. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. Thewe's nyot a nyobwew man in W-Wome *screams* than Antony. 
FOUWTH C-CITIZEN. Nyow mawk h-him, h-he begins again to speak. 
ANTONY. ^-^ But yestewday t-the w-wowd of Caesaw might 
Have stood against the w-wowwd. Nyow w-wies he thewe, 
And nyonye so poow to do him wevewence. 
O m-mastews! ^.^ If I-I wewe disposed to stiw 
^-^ Youw heawts and ;;w;; minds to m-mutiny and wage, 
I shouwd do Bwutus wwong and Cassius wwong, 
*leans over* Who, *notices bulge* you aww knyow, awe honyowabwe men. 
I wiww nyot do them w-wwong; I wathew choose 
To wwong the dead, to wwong mysewf and you, 
*moans* Than I wiww *looks at you* wwong such h-honyowabwe men. 
But hewe's a OwO pawchment with the seaw of Caesaw; 
I found it *hugs tightly* in his cwoset, 'tis his wiww. 
Wet *cuddles you* but the commons heaw this t-testament- 
*moans* Which, pawdon me, I do uWu nyot mean *screams* to wead- 
And they wouwd go a-and kiss *hugs tightly* dead Caesaw's wounds 
And dip theiw nyapkins in his sacwed bwood, 
Yea, beg a haiw of him f-fow memowy, 
And, d-dying, mention it within theiw w-wiwws, 
*screams* Bequeathing it as a w-wich wegacy 
Unto theiw issue. 
F-FOUWTH CITIZEN. W-We'ww heaw the wiww. Wead it, Mawk Antony. 
AWW. The wiww, >_< the wiww! *giggles shyly* We wiww heaw *hugs tightly* Caesaw's wiww. 
ANTONY. Have patience, g-gentwe fwiends, I must nyot uWu wead it; 
It ;;w;; is nyot meet you knyow how Caesaw woved you. 
You awe nyot wood, you awe nyot stonyes, but m-men; 
And, being men, heawing the wiww *looks away* of Caesaw, 
xDD It wiww infwame uWu you, it wiww make you mad. 
'Tis good you knyow nyot that you >_< awe ^.^ his heiws, 
Fow if you shouwd, O, what wouwd *looks at you* come of *looks away* it! 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. Wead the wiww; we'ww *twerks* heaw ^.^ it, Antony. 
Y-You shaww w-wead u-us the wiww, Caesaw's wiww. 
A-ANTONY. Wiww you be patient? Wiww you stay awhiwe? 
I have *teleports behind you* o'ewshot mysewf to teww you of i-it. 
I feaw I wwong the *leans over* honyowabwe m-men 
Whose daggews have stabb'd Caesaw; I do feaw it. 
F-FOUWTH *shuffles closer* CITIZEN. T-They wewe twaitows. Honyowabwe men! 
A-AWW. The wiww! The testament! 
SECOND *screams* CITIZEN. They wewe viwwains, *hugs tightly* muwthewews. The wiww! 
Wead *screams* the wiww! 
ANTONY. You wiww compew me then to ^-^ wead the >_> wiww? 
Then make a wing about t-the ^w^ cowse of Caesaw, 
And wet me show you him that m-made the wiww. 
Shaww I-I descend? And wiww you give me weave? 
AWW. C-Come down. 
S-SECOND CITIZEN. Descend. 
He comes down :3 fwom the *leans over* puwpit. 
THIWD CITIZEN. You UwU shaww have weave. 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. A-A *twerks* wing, stand wound. 
FIWST CITIZEN. S-Stand fwom t-the h-heawse, stand f-fwom t-the body. 
SECOND CITIZEN. Woom fow Antony, most nyobwe Antony. 
*screams* ANTONY. N-Nyay, pwess nyot so upon me, *shuffles closer* stand faw off. 
AWW. Stand back; woom, beaw back! 
ANTONY. If you *pokes you* have teaws, pwepawe to shed them nyow. 
You aww do knyow this mantwe. I w-wemembew 
The fiwst *moans* time evew C-Caesaw put it on; 
*sweats* 'Twas on a summew's evenying, in his tent, 
That day >_> he ovewcame the Nyewvii. 
Wook, *blushes* in this pwace wan Cassius' daggew thwough; 
S-See what a w-went t-the envious Casca >_< made; 
Thwough this the weww-bewoved Bwutus stabb'd; 
A-And as he p-pwuck'd h-his cuwsed *blushes* steew away, 
Mawk how the *looks away* bwood of Caesaw f-fowwow'd it, 
As wushing out of doows, to be wesowved 
If Bwutus so *teleports behind you* unkindwy knyock'd, o-ow nyo; 
>w< Fow Bwutus, as you knyow, *leans over* was Caesaw's *cuddles you* angew. 
Judge, O you UwU gods, how deawwy Caesaw woved him! 
This w-was the most unkindest cut of a-aww; 
*pokes you* Fow when the nyobwe Caesaw saw him stab, 
*twerks* Ingwatitude, mowe stwong than t-twaitows' a-awms, 
Quite vanquish'd him. Then buwst his mighty heawt, 
And, in h-his mantwe muffwing up his face, 
Even at the *moans* base x3 of Pompey's statue, 
Which aww the whiwe wan bwood, gweat C-Caesaw feww. 
*pokes you* O, what a faww was thewe, my countwymen! 
Then I, and you, and aww o-of us feww x3 down, 
Whiwst bwoody tweason f-fwouwish'd ovew us. 
O-O, nyow you weep, and I pewceive you feew 
UwU The dint of pity. T-These awe gwacious dwops. 
Kind souws, what weep you when you but behowd 
Ouw C-Caesaw's v-vestuwe *notices bulge* wounded? W-Wook you uWu hewe, 
Hewe is himsewf, maww'd, as you see, with twaitows. 
F-FIWST CITIZEN. O *notices bulge* piteous spectacwe! 
*blushes* SECOND CITIZEN. O nyobwe Caesaw! 
THIWD CITIZEN. O woefuw day! 
FOUWTH ^w^ CITIZEN. O twaitows viwwains! 
FIWST CITIZEN. *looks away* O most *blushes* bwoody sight! 
SECOND C-CITIZEN. We wiww >w< be wevenged. 
^.^ AWW. Wevenge! About! S-Seek! Buwn! F-Fiwe! Kiww! 
Sway! W-Wet nyot a twaitow wive! 
ANTONY. Stay, c-countwymen. 
FIWST CITIZEN. P-Peace thewe! Heaw the n-nyobwe Antony. 
SECOND CITIZEN. *cries* We'ww heaw h-him, we'ww fowwow him, *sighs* we'ww die with 
him. 
*giggles shyly* ANTONY. Good f-fwiends, sweet fwiends, wet me >w< nyot stiw you up 
To such a sudden fwood of mutiny. 
They ^.^ that have donye this d-deed awe honyowabwe. 
What pwivate gwiefs they have, awas, I knyow nyot, 
That made ^.^ them ;;w;; do i-it. They awe *looks at you* wise and honyowabwe, 
And wiww, nyo doubt, with w-weasons answew you. 
I come nyot, fwiends, t-to steaw away youw heawts. 
I am *screams* nyo owatow, as Bwutus is; 
B-But, as ^w^ you knyow me aww, a p-pwain bwunt man, 
That wove my fwiend, *blushes* and that they ^-^ knyow fuww >w< weww 
*twerks* That gave me >_< pubwic weave to speak of him. 
F-Fow I xDD have x3 nyeithew wit, nyow wowds, nyow wowth, 
A-Action, nyow u-uttewance, nyow >w< the powew of *screams* speech, 
To s-stiw men's *pokes you* bwood. I o-onwy speak OwO wight o-on; 
I-I *cuddles you* teww you that which *sighs* you youwsewves do knyow; 
Show you sweet C-Caesaw's wounds, poow dumb mouths, 
And bid them speak fow me. B-But wewe I >_< Bwutus, 
And Bwutus Antony, t-thewe wewe an Antony 
;;w;; Wouwd wuffwe up youw spiwits and put a tongue 
I-In evewy wound of Caesaw ;;w;; that s-shouwd move 
*cries* The stonyes of W-Wome to w-wise and mutiny. 
AWW. We'ww m-mutiny. 
F-FIWST CITIZEN. We'ww buwn the h-house of Bwutus. 
THIWD CITIZEN. Away, then! *sighs* Come, seek the c-conspiwatows. 
ANTONY. Yet heaw me, countwymen; y-yet heaw *leans over* me s-speak. 
AWW. Peace, *pokes you* ho! Heaw Antony, m-most nyobwe Antony! 
*leans over* ANTONY. Why, fwiends, you go to do you knyow nyot what. 
W-Whewein hath Caesaw thus desewved youw woves? 
Awas, y-you knyow *blushes* nyot; I must teww you then. 
You ;;w;; have fowgot the wiww I towd y-you o-of. 
AWW. *sweats* Most twue, the ^.^ wiww! Wet's *blushes* stay and *cuddles you* heaw t-the wiww. 
ANTONY. Hewe is the wiww, and undew Caesaw's seaw. 
To evewy Woman citizen he *leans over* gives, 
T-To ^-^ evewy sevewaw m-man, seventy-five dwachmas. 
SECOND *cries* CITIZEN. Most nyobwe Caesaw! W-We'ww wevenge h-his *blushes* death. 
THIWD C-CITIZEN. O woyaw Caesaw! 
ANTONY. Heaw me w-with p-patience. 
A-AWW. ;;w;; Peace, *sighs* ho! 
ANTONY. Moweovew, *giggles shyly* he hath weft you aww his wawks, 
His *sweats* pwivate awbows, and nyew-pwanted owchawds, 
On this side Tibew; he *cuddles you* hath weft them y-you, 
And *pokes you* to youw heiws fowevew- common UwU pweasuwes, 
To wawk abwoad and wecweate youwsewves. 
Hewe was a Caesaw! When comes such anyothew? 
FIWST CITIZEN. N-Nyevew, n-nyevew. Come, away, a-away! 
We'ww *pokes you* buwn his body in the ^-^ howy OwO pwace 
A-And with the bwands fiwe xDD the twaitows' houses. 
Take u-up the body. 
SECOND CITIZEN. Go fetch fiwe. 
^.^ THIWD CITIZEN. Pwuck down benches. 
FOUWTH C-CITIZEN. Pwuck down ;;w;; fowms, windows, a-anything. 
Exeunt Citizens with the ;;w;; body. 
A-ANTONY. Nyow wet it wowk. Mischief, thou awt afoot, 
Take thou what couwse thou wiwt. 

Entew a Sewvant. 

How nyow, fewwow? 
SEWVANT. Siw, Octavius is awweady come to Wome. 
ANTONY. Whewe ;;w;; is he? 
SEWVANT. He and Wepidus awe at Caesaw's house. 
ANTONY. And *hugs tightly* thithew wiww uWu I stwaight to visit him. 
He comes u-upon a wish. F-Fowtunye is mewwy, 
And in this mood wiww give *cuddles you* us anything. 
SEWVANT. I-I h-heawd him say Bwutus and Cassius 
A-Awe wid wike madmen thwough the gates of Wome. 
A-ANTONY. Be wike they had some nyotice :3 of the peopwe, 
H-How I had moved t-them. Bwing me to Octavius. Exeunt. 




SCENyE I-III. 
A stweet. 

OwO Entew Cinnya the poet. 

CINNyA. I *leans over* dweamt tonyight that I did ^.^ feast with *shuffles closer* Caesaw, 
A-And *shuffles closer* things uWu unwuckiwy chawge m-my fantasy. 
I have nyo wiww to wandew fowth of doows, 
Yet something weads me fowth. 

Entew :33 Citizens. 

FIWST CITIZEN. What is youw nyame? 
S-SECOND ^.^ CITIZEN. W-Whithew awe OwO you going? 
THIWD CITIZEN. Whewe do you dweww? 
F-FOUWTH CITIZEN. A-Awe you a mawwied man ow a >w< bachewow? 
SECOND CITIZEN. Answew evewy *looks away* man diwectwy. 
FIWST CITIZEN. Ay, a-and b-bwiefwy. 
F-FOUWTH CITIZEN. Ay, ^w^ and wisewy. 
THIWD CITIZEN. :33 Ay, a-and twuwy, you wewe b-best. 
CINNyA. What is my *teleports behind you* nyame? Whithew am I going? *pokes you* Whewe do *cries* I *giggles shyly* dweww? Am I 
a mawwied man ow a bachewow? Then, to answew evewy man diwectwy 
and bwiefwy, wisewy and twuwy: wisewy I say, I am a bachewow. 
SECOND CITIZEN. That's as m-much as t-to say *hugs tightly* they awe foows that mawwy. 
Y-You'ww b-beaw me a *leans over* bang fow >_< that, I feaw. Pwoceed diwectwy. 
CINNyA. Diwectwy, I am g-going t-to Caesaw's funyewaw. 
FIWST CITIZEN. A-As a OwO fwiend o-ow an enyemy? 
CINNyA. A-As a fwiend. 
SECOND CITIZEN. That mattew is answewed diwectwy. 
*notices bulge* FOUWTH CITIZEN. Fow youw dwewwing, *sweats* bwiefwy. 
CINNyA. Bwiefwy, I dweww xDD by the Capitow. 
THIWD CITIZEN. Youw uWu nyame, s-siw, twuwy. 
CINNyA. *moans* Twuwy, my nyame i-is ^.^ Cinnya. 
FIWST CITIZEN. xDD Teaw him to pieces, he's a conspiwatow. 
CINNyA. I am Cinnya t-the poet, I am C-Cinnya the poet. 
F-FOUWTH CITIZEN. Teaw him fow his bad v-vewses, teaw h-him fow *blushes* his b-bad 
vewses. 
CINNyA. I am xDD nyot Cinnya the conspiwatow. 
F-FOUWTH >_> CITIZEN. It is nyo mattew, h-his nyame's Cinnya. Pwuck but his 
nyame out of his *looks at you* heawt, *shuffles closer* and tuwn him ;;w;; going. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. Teaw *sweats* him, t-teaw him! Come, bwands, ho, f-fiwebwands. >_< To 
Bwutus', to Cassius'; buwn aww. Some to Decius' house, and s-some 
to Casca's, s-some *cries* to Wigawius'. Away, g-go! Exeunt. 




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ACT IV. SCENyE *notices bulge* I. 
A house in Wome. A-Antony, O-Octavius, and Wepidus, seated at *screams* a :33 tabwe. 

ANTONY. These many t-then shaww die, theiw nyames awe pwick'd. 
OCTAVIUS. Youw bwothew too must die; consent you, W-Wepidus? 
WEPIDUS. I >w< do *looks away* consent- 
OCTAVIUS. Pwick him d-down, Antony. 
WEPIDUS. xDD Upon condition Pubwius shaww nyot wive, 
W-Who is youw ^-^ sistew's *pokes you* son, Mawk Antony. 
ANTONY. He shaww *twerks* nyot wive; wook, ^.^ with a spot I :3 damn him. 
B-But, Wepidus, go you to Caesaw's house, 
Fetch the w-wiww *shuffles closer* hithew, *sighs* and we shaww detewminye 
How to cut off s-some c-chawge ^.^ in *giggles shyly* wegacies. 
WEPIDUS. What, *sweats* shaww *sighs* I find you hewe? 
*pokes you* OCTAVIUS. Ow hewe, o-ow at the C-Capitow. E-Exit Wepidus. 
ANTONY. *twerks* This is a swight unmewitabwe man, 
Meet to >w< be *looks away* sent on *pokes you* ewwands. Is it fit, 
The thwee-fowd wowwd divided, he shouwd stand 
Onye o-of *notices bulge* the t-thwee *cries* to *giggles shyly* shawe it? 
OCTAVIUS. So you thought him, 
And took his v-voice who shouwd b-be pwick'd ;;w;; to die 
In ouw bwack sentence and *twerks* pwoscwiption. 
ANTONY. ;;w;; Octavius, I-I have seen mowe days than you, 
*cries* And though we way these honyows on :33 this man 
To ease ouwsewves of divews swandewous woads, 
He s-shaww but beaw them as the ass beaws g-gowd, 
To g-gwoan and *looks at you* sweat undew *cuddles you* the businyess, 
E-Eithew wed ow dwiven, as we point the way; 
A-And having bwought *shuffles closer* ouw tweasuwe *cries* whewe we *looks at you* wiww, 
T-Then take ^w^ we down his woad and tuwn him o-off, 
Wike to the empty *sighs* ass, to shake his eaws 
*shuffles closer* And gwaze in commons. 
OCTAVIUS. You may do :3 youw >w< wiww, 
But he's a twied and *cries* vawiant sowdiew. 
ANTONY. So is my uWu howse, Octavius, and fow that 
I *teleports behind you* do appoint him stowe o-of pwovendew. 
It is *twerks* a cweatuwe that I teach to fight, 
To wind, to stop, to wun diwectwy on, 
UwU His cowpowaw *blushes* motion govewn'd b-by >_< my >w< spiwit. 
And, *cries* in *cries* some taste, is *teleports behind you* Wepidus but s-so: 
He must be taught, and twain'd, and bid go fowth; 
A bawwen-spiwited fewwow, onye t-that feeds 
On objects, awts, and *screams* imitations, 
Which, out of use and stawed by othew men, 
*teleports behind you* Begin OwO his *teleports behind you* fashion. Do nyot tawk of him 
But as a pwopewty. And nyow, Octavius, 
W-Wisten *giggles shyly* gweat things. B-Bwutus and Cassius 
*notices bulge* Awe wevying x3 powews; we must stwaight make head; 
Thewefowe wet ouw awwiance be combinyed, 
Ouw best fwiends made, *leans over* ouw means stwetch'd; 
A-And w-wet us pwesentwy go sit in c-counciw, 
How c-covewt mattews may *blushes* be best discwosed, 
And open pewiws suwest answewed. 
OCTAVIUS. Wet us do so, fow :33 we awe at the s-stake, 
And bay'd about with many >_< enyemies; 
And some that *sighs* smiwe have i-in theiw h-heawts, I feaw, 
Miwwions of mischiefs. Exeunt. 




SCENyE II. 
Camp nyeaw S-Sawdis. *blushes* Befowe B-Bwutus' t-tent. Dwum. 

Entew Bwutus, W-Wuciwius, Wucius, a-and Sowdiews; Titinyius and Pindawus meet them. 

B-BWUTUS. Stand, ho! 
WUCIWIUS. Give *pokes you* the *sweats* wowd, OwO ho, and stand. 
BWUTUS. W-What nyow, *screams* Wuciwius, is Cassius nyeaw? 
WUCIWIUS. He is at h-hand, and Pindawus is come 
To d-do you sawutation fwom his mastew. 
BWUTUS. He gweets m-me weww. Youw mastew, Pindawus, 
In his own change, ow by *moans* iww officews, 
Hath given me some wowthy cause to wish 
Things ^w^ donye undonye; but if he be *sweats* at h-hand, 
I shaww be satisfied. 
PINDAWUS. *looks at you* I do nyot d-doubt 
But that *cuddles you* my nyobwe m-mastew wiww a-appeaw 
Such as he is, fuww of *leans over* wegawd a-and honyow. 
B-BWUTUS. He *looks away* is nyot doubted. A wowd, Wuciwius, 
>w< How h-he weceived you. Wet me be wesowved. 
WUCIWIUS. With c-couwtesy and with wespect enyough, 
But nyot with such famiwiaw instances, 
Nyow with s-such fwee and *cuddles you* fwiendwy confewence, 
As he hath used of owd. 
BWUTUS. Thou hast descwibed 
A hot fwiend c-coowing. Evew n-nyote, *sighs* Wuciwius, 
When wove begins to xDD sicken and decay 
It useth an e-enfowced cewemony. 
OwO Thewe awe nyo twicks in *leans over* pwain and s-simpwe faith; 
But howwow *twerks* men, wike h-howses hot a-at hand, 
Make *twerks* gawwant s-show and pwomise of theiw mettwe; 
*pokes you* But w-when they shouwd enduwe *notices bulge* the b-bwoody spuw, 
They faww theiw cwests and *notices bulge* wike d-deceitfuw jades 
>_< Sink in the twiaw. Comes his awmy on? 
WUCIWIUS. They meant *hugs tightly* his *looks at you* nyight in Sawd is t-to be quawtew'd; 
The gweatew pawt, the howse in x3 genyewaw, 
>_> Awe come with Cassius. Wow mawch within. 
BWUTUS. Hawk, he is a-awwived. 
Mawch gentwy on *looks at you* to meet him. 

Entew C-Cassius *notices bulge* and h-his Powews. 

CASSIUS. Stand, ho! 
BWUTUS. Stand, ho! Speak the w-wowd ;;w;; awong. 
*cuddles you* FIWST SOWDIEW. Stand! 
S-SECOND SOWDIEW. Stand! 
THIWD *shuffles closer* SOWDIEW. Stand! 
CASSIUS. Most *teleports behind you* nyobwe bwothew, you have donye me wwong. 
BWUTUS. Judge me, you gods! Wwong I minye enyemies? 
UwU And, uWu if nyot so, how shouwd I wwong a bwothew? 
CASSIUS. Bwutus, this sobew fowm of youws *blushes* hides wwongs, 
A-And when you *looks at you* do them- 
BWUTUS. Cassius, *cuddles you* be content, 
Speak y-youw gwiefs softwy, I do knyow y-you weww. 
OwO Befowe the eyes of both ouw awmies hewe, 
*cuddles you* Which shouwd pewceive nyothing but wove fwom us, 
Wet us nyot wwangwe. Bid them *sighs* move *teleports behind you* away; 
Then in my tent, Cassius, enwawge *moans* youw gwiefs, 
And *cuddles you* I wiww give you audience. 
CASSIUS. Pindawus, 
Bid o-ouw commandews wead theiw c-chawges o-off 
A-A wittwe fwom this g-gwound. 
BWUTUS. *cries* Wuciwius, d-do *sweats* you the wike, and wet *cuddles you* nyo m-man 
*cuddles you* Come to ouw tent tiww we h-have donye ouw *looks at you* confewence. 
Wet *sighs* Wucius a-and T-Titinyius guawd *twerks* ouw doow. Exeunt. 




SCENyE III. 
*looks at you* Bwutus' tent. 

Entew ^.^ Bwutus *teleports behind you* and Cassius. 

CASSIUS. That you have wwong'd *cuddles you* me doth >_< appeaw *notices bulge* in ^w^ this: 
You have *giggles shyly* condemn'd and nyoted Wucius *hugs tightly* Pewwa 
Fow taking bwibes hewe of the Sawdians, 
W-Whewein m-my w-wettews, pwaying on his side, 
Because I knyew the man, wewe s-swighted *twerks* off. 
*twerks* BWUTUS. You wwong'd youwsewf to OwO wwite in such a c-case. 
CASSIUS. In such a time as this it is nyot meet 
*teleports behind you* That evewy nyice offense *hugs tightly* shouwd beaw his comment. 
BWUTUS. Wet me teww you, Cassius, you youwsewf 
*moans* Awe much *shuffles closer* condemn'd *hugs tightly* to have a-an itching pawm, 
*notices bulge* To seww a-and *cries* mawt *notices bulge* youw offices fow gowd 
To undesewvews. 
CASSIUS. I a-an itching pawm? 
You knyow that you awe B-Bwutus that speaks this, 
Ow, by t-the *notices bulge* gods, this *giggles shyly* speech wewe ewse y-youw wast. 
BWUTUS. The nyame of Cassius honyows this cowwuption, 
A-And chastisement doth thewefowe hide h-his head. 
*looks away* CASSIUS. Chastisement? 
*blushes* BWUTUS. W-Wemembew Mawch, the i-ides of Mawch wemembew. 
Did nyot gweat Juwius bweed fow justice' sake? 
What viwwain touch'd his body, *sighs* that did stab, 
And *looks away* nyot fow justice? What, shaww onye *blushes* of us, 
That stwuck t-the fowemost m-man of aww this *looks at you* wowwd 
B-But fow suppowting wobbews, shaww we nyow 
Contaminyate ouw fingews with base *shuffles closer* bwibes 
UwU And seww *shuffles closer* the mighty :3 space of ouw wawge honyows 
Fow so *looks away* much twash as may be gwasped :3 thus? 
I :3 had wathew be a dog, a-and bay the moon, 
T-Than such a Woman. 
CASSIUS. Bwutus, bait >w< nyot me, 
I'ww nyot *hugs tightly* enduwe it. Y-You fowget youwsewf 
To hedge me in. I am a s-sowdiew, I, 
Owdew *giggles shyly* in p-pwactice, abwew than *sweats* youwsewf 
To m-make ^w^ conditions. 
BWUTUS. Go ;;w;; to, you awe nyot, Cassius. 
CASSIUS. I am. 
BWUTUS. *leans over* I say you awe *blushes* nyot. 
CASSIUS. Uwge me nyo mowe, I s-shaww fowget mysewf; 
Have mind upon youw heawth, tempt me nyo fawthew. 
BWUTUS. Away, *looks away* swight man! 
CASSIUS. Is't possibwe? 
BWUTUS. H-Heaw uWu me, f-fow I-I wiww speak. 
Must I give way and woom to youw wash c-chowew? 
S-Shaww I-I be *moans* fwighted when a madman s-stawes? 
C-CASSIUS. :33 O g-gods, *cuddles you* ye gods! Must I enduwe aww this? 
BWUTUS. Aww this? Ay, *giggles shyly* mowe. Fwet tiww youw pwoud *pokes you* heawt bweak. 
G-Go show youw ;;w;; swaves how chowewic UwU you awe, 
And make y-youw bondmen twembwe. Must I OwO bouge? 
M-Must I obsewve >_< you? Must I stand and cwouch 
*sighs* Undew youw testy humow? By the gods, 
Y-You shaww *shuffles closer* digest *screams* the *looks away* venyom of y-youw spween, 
Though *sighs* it do spwit you, fow, fwom this :3 day *sighs* fowth, 
I'ww use you fow *screams* my miwth, yea, fow my w-waughtew, 
When you a-awe waspish. 
CASSIUS. Is *leans over* it c-come to this? 
BWUTUS. You *sighs* say you :33 awe >_< a bettew sowdiew: 
Wet it appeaw so, make youw vaunting *screams* twue, 
And it shaww pwease me weww. Fow minye own pawt, 
I shaww be gwad to weawn o-of nyobwe men. 
CASSIUS. You wwong me evewy UwU way, you wwong me, Bwutus. 
I said, an ewdew sowdiew, nyot a bettew. 
Did ;;w;; I say "bettew"? 
*pokes you* BWUTUS. If you did, *notices bulge* I cawe nyot. 
CASSIUS. When Caesaw wived, >_< he duwst nyot t-thus have moved m-me. 
BWUTUS. Peace, *moans* peace! Y-You duwst *moans* nyot *giggles shyly* so h-have t-tempted him. 
C-CASSIUS. I-I duwst nyot? 
BWUTUS. Nyo. 
CASSIUS. What, duwst nyot tempt him? 
BWUTUS. Fow youw wife you d-duwst nyot. 
CASSIUS. Do nyot p-pwesume too much upon my wove; 
I may do *sweats* that I *cuddles you* shaww be sowwy fow. 
*giggles shyly* BWUTUS. You have donye that you shouwd be sowwy fow. 
Thewe i-is nyo t-tewwow, Cassius, in youw thweats, 
Fow I am awm'd so s-stwong in honyesty, 
That t-they pass by me as the *sweats* idwe wind 
Which I wespect nyot. I did send ^w^ to y-you 
Fow cewtain sums of gowd, which *teleports behind you* you denyied m-me, 
*blushes* Fow *moans* I *teleports behind you* can waise nyo monyey *hugs tightly* by viwe means. 
By h-heaven, ^w^ I had w-wathew *sweats* coin *hugs tightly* my heawt 
And dwop my bwood fow dwachmas than t-to wwing 
Fwom the hawd x3 hands of *cuddles you* peasants *cuddles you* theiw viwe twash 
*teleports behind you* By a-any >_< indiwection. I did s-send 
To you f-fow ^-^ gowd to pay my wegions, 
Which you UwU denyied m-me. Was that d-donye wike C-Cassius? 
Shouwd I have answew'd Caius C-Cassius *shuffles closer* so? 
When *shuffles closer* Mawcus Bwutus gwows so covetous 
T-To wock such wascaw countews fwom his fwiends, 
Be w-weady, g-gods, with aww youw thundewbowts, 
Dash UwU him to pieces! 
CASSIUS. I denyied y-you nyot. 
BWUTUS. UwU You did. 
*leans over* CASSIUS. I-I >_> did *leans over* nyot. He was but a foow 
T-That b-bwought my answew back. Bwutus hath wived my heawt. 
A OwO fwiend s-shouwd beaw his *blushes* fwiend's infiwmities, 
But Bwutus *notices bulge* makes minye >w< gweatew than they awe. 
B-BWUTUS. I do nyot, tiww y-you pwactise them *shuffles closer* on m-me. 
CASSIUS. *teleports behind you* You wove m-me xDD nyot. 
BWUTUS. I do ^.^ nyot wike *cuddles you* youw f-fauwts. 
CASSIUS. A fwiendwy *leans over* eye couwd nyevew s-see such fauwts. 
B-BWUTUS. ;;w;; A fwattewew's wouwd nyot, though they do appeaw 
A-As huge as h-high Owympus. 
*giggles shyly* CASSIUS. Come, Antony, and young Octavius, come, 
Wevenge youwsewves awonye on Cassius, 
Fow Cassius is aweawy of the wowwd: 
Hated by onye he woves; >w< bwaved b-by his bwothew; 
Check'd wike a bondman; aww his fauwts obsewved, 
*looks at you* Set in a nyotebook, weawn'd ;;w;; and conn'd by wote, 
;;w;; To cast *hugs tightly* into m-my teeth. *sweats* O, I >w< couwd weep 
My spiwit fwom minye eyes! Thewe is m-my daggew, 
And hewe UwU my nyaked bweast; within, a heawt 
Deawew than Pwuto's minye, wichew than gowd. 
I-If that thou best a Woman, take *sweats* it fowth; 
I, that denyied t-thee gowd, wiww give *leans over* my heawt. 
Stwike, ^-^ as thou didst at Caesaw, fow I knyow, 
*blushes* When *cuddles you* thou didst hate *notices bulge* him wowst, thou *cries* wovedst him bettew 
Than evew thou wovedst Cassius. 
BWUTUS. S-Sheathe youw daggew. 
Be UwU angwy w-when you wiww, it shaww have *screams* scope; 
Do what you wiww, *giggles shyly* dishonyow shaww be humow. 
O Cassius, you awe yoked ^.^ with a wamb, 
T-That cawwies angew as the fwint :3 beaws fiwe, 
Who, m-much enfowced, *blushes* shows >_> a hasty spawk 
A-And stwaight i-is cowd a-again. 
CASSIUS. Hath Cassius wived 
T-To be but miwth and waughtew to his Bwutus, 
When gwief *screams* and bwood iww-tempew'd vexeth him? 
BWUTUS. When I *twerks* spoke t-that, I w-was iww-tempew'd too. 
UwU CASSIUS. D-Do you confess so much? Give me youw *pokes you* hand. 
BWUTUS. And *twerks* my heawt ;;w;; too. 
CASSIUS. >_< O Bwutus! 
*blushes* BWUTUS. *teleports behind you* What's the m-mattew? 
CASSIUS. Have nyot you w-wove xDD enyough to xDD beaw with me 
When that wash humow which my *cries* mothew gave me 
Makes me fowgetfuw? 
BWUTUS. Yes, Cassius, and f-fwom hencefowth, 
x3 When you awe oveweawnyest with youw Bwutus, 
He'ww think youw mothew c-chides, and weave you so. 
POET. *leans over* [Within.] Wet me go in t-to see *looks at you* the genyewaws. 
Thewe is some *blushes* gwudge between 'em, 'tis nyot UwU meet 
They be awonye. 
WUCIWIUS. *hugs tightly* [Within.] x3 You shaww nyot come to them. 
POET. [Within.] Nyothing but death shaww stay me. 

Entew Poet, fowwowed by Wuciwius, Titinyius, and Wucius. 

C-CASSIUS. H-How nyow, w-what's the m-mattew? 
*sighs* POET. F-Fow OwO shame, you *hugs tightly* genyewaws! W-What do you mean? 
Wove, and be fwiends, as two such ^.^ men shouwd be; 
Fow I have seen mowe yeaws, I'm suwe, than *hugs tightly* ye. 
CASSIUS. Ha, ha! How viwewy doth this cynyic w-whyme! 
BWUTUS. Get you hence, siwwah; saucy fewwow, hence! 
CASSIUS. Beaw with him, B-Bwutus; 'tis his fashion. 
BWUTUS. I'ww k-knyow his humow when he knyows his time. 
*moans* What shouwd t-the waws do with these jigging foows? 
Companyion, hence! 
CASSIUS. Away, away, be gonye! Exit Poet. 
BWUTUS. Wuciwius a-and *notices bulge* Titinyius, bid the commandews 
Pwepawe to wodge theiw *screams* companyies *shuffles closer* tonyight. 
CASSIUS. And come youwsewves and bwing Messawa with you 
Immediatewy to us. Exeunt Wuciwius and Titinyius. 
B-BWUTUS. Wucius, a-a boww of winye! Exit Wucius. 
*blushes* CASSIUS. I did nyot *sweats* think you couwd h-have *screams* been so angwy. 
B-BWUTUS. O-O Cassius, I am s-sick of many gwiefs. 
CASSIUS. Of youw phiwosophy you make nyo *looks away* use, 
If you give pwace to accidentaw eviws. 
BWUTUS. N-Nyo man beaws sowwow bettew. Powtia is ^w^ dead. 
CASSIUS. Ha? Powtia? 
BWUTUS. She is dead. 
CASSIUS. How 'scaped kiwwing *cuddles you* when I cwoss'd you so? 
O insuppowtabwe and touching woss! 
Upon what sicknyess? 
BWUTUS. Impatient of my *blushes* absence, 
And gwief that young Octavius with M-Mawk Antony 
*cuddles you* Have m-made themsewves so stwong- fow with h-hew d-death 
That t-tidings c-came- *cuddles you* with this she feww distwact, 
And (hew attendants absent) *leans over* swawwow'd fiwe. 
CASSIUS. And died so? 
BWUTUS. Even so. 
CASSIUS. *sighs* O ye immowtaw gods! 

We-entew Wucius, *sweats* with winye and tapew. 

BWUTUS. Speak nyo *sweats* mowe of hew. Give me a boww of *leans over* winye. 
In this I buwy aww unkindnyess, Cassius. Dwinks. 
CASSIUS. My *cuddles you* heawt is thiwsty fow *sweats* that nyobwe pwedge. 
F-Fiww, Wucius, tiww the winye o'ewsweww the cup; 
I :33 cannyot d-dwink too much of Bwutus' wove. Dwinks. 
BWUTUS. Come in, *cuddles you* Titinyius! Exit Wucius. 

We-entew Titinyius, with Messawa. 

Wewcome, good Messawa. 
Nyow sit w-we cwose *giggles shyly* about this tapew hewe, 
And caww in question ouw *blushes* nyecessities. 
CASSIUS. Powtia, awt thou gonye? 
BWUTUS. Nyo mowe, I pway you. 
Messawa, I have hewe weceived wettews 
That young Octavius and >_< Mawk Antony 
C-Come down upon us with a mighty powew, 
>_> Bending theiw expedition towawd Phiwippi. 
MESSAWA. Mysewf have :33 wettews of t-the sewfsame tenyuwe. 
*looks at you* BWUTUS. With what *cries* addition? 
MESSAWA. That xDD by pwoscwiption >_< and biwws of outwawwy 
Octavius, Antony, and Wepidus 
Have put to death an hundwed senyatows. 
BWUTUS. Thewe i-in ouw wettews do nyot weww agwee; 
Minye *cries* speak of *notices bulge* seventy senyatows t-that died 
By theiw pwoscwiptions, Cicewo being x3 onye. 
CASSIUS. Cicewo onye! 
MESSAWA. Cicewo is dead, 
And by that owdew of pwoscwiption. 
Had you youw xDD wettews >_< fwom y-youw *hugs tightly* wife, my wowd? 
*sighs* BWUTUS. Nyo, Messawa. 
MESSAWA. Nyow nyothing *blushes* in youw wettews wwit of hew? 
BWUTUS. ^-^ Nyothing, Messawa. 
MESSAWA. That, methinks, is ^.^ stwange. 
BWUTUS. *sweats* Why ask y-you? Heaw you aught of hew in *looks away* youws? 
MESSAWA. *looks away* Nyo, my w-wowd. 
BWUTUS. ^w^ Nyow, a-as you *sweats* awe a Woman, teww me t-twue. 
MESSAWA. Then wike a Woman beaw the twuth I teww: 
F-Fow cewtain s-she is dead, and by stwange m-mannyew. 
BWUTUS. Why, faweweww, Powtia. We must die, Messawa. 
W-With m-meditating that *teleports behind you* she must die once 
I have *teleports behind you* the p-patience to *looks away* enduwe ^.^ it nyow. 
MESSAWA. Even x3 so g-gweat men gweat wosses shouwd enduwe. 
C-CASSIUS. :33 I have *cuddles you* as much of this in awt as you, 
B-But yet my nyatuwe couwd n-nyot beaw it so. 
BWUTUS. Weww, to ouw wowk awive. What d-do you *hugs tightly* think 
O-Of mawching to *sighs* Phiwippi pwesentwy? 
CASSIUS. *notices bulge* I do nyot think it g-good. 
BWUTUS. Youw *screams* weason? 
CASSIUS. This it i-is: 
>_< 'Tis bettew that t-the enyemy seek u-us; 
So shaww he waste his means, weawy *pokes you* his sowdiews, 
Doing h-himsewf >_> offense, whiwst we wying s-stiww 
Awe fuww of west, d-defense, and ^w^ nyimbwenyess. 
*twerks* BWUTUS. Good weasons ;;w;; must of fowce give pwace to bettew. 
The peopwe 'twixt Phiwippi and t-this gwound 
*shuffles closer* Do stand but *looks at you* in *teleports behind you* a :3 fowced a-affection, 
Fow *hugs tightly* they have gwudged us *screams* contwibution. 
*shuffles closer* The e-enyemy, mawching *leans over* awong ^w^ by them, 
By them shaww >w< make a fuwwew nyumbew *shuffles closer* up, 
*sweats* Come on w-wefwesh'd, nyew-added, and ;;w;; encouwaged; 
Fwom which *cuddles you* advantage s-shaww we cut h-him off 
If at Phiwippi we do face him thewe, 
These peopwe at ouw back. 
OwO CASSIUS. Heaw me, good :3 bwothew. 
BWUTUS. U-Undew youw pawdon. Y-You must nyote beside 
;;w;; That we have twied the utmost *sighs* of ouw fwiends, 
Ouw wegions *cuddles you* awe bwim-fuww, o-ouw cause is wipe: 
The enyemy incweaseth evewy UwU day; 
We, *cries* at the height, awe weady t-to decwinye. 
Thewe *sweats* is a tide in >w< the affaiws of men 
Which t-taken a-at the fwood weads o-on *looks away* to fowtunye; 
Omitted, aww the voyage of *teleports behind you* theiw wife 
Is :3 bound in shawwows and in misewies. 
On such a fuww sea awe we nyow afwoat, 
And we must take the cuwwent when it sewves, 
Ow w-wose o-ouw ventuwes. 
>_< CASSIUS. Then, with youw wiww, go on; 
*looks away* We'ww awong ouwsewves and x3 meet them at Phiwippi. 
BWUTUS. The d-deep *twerks* of nyight is cwept upon ouw *leans over* tawk, 
And *cries* nyatuwe must o-obey ^w^ nyecessity, 
Which we wiww nyiggawd with a-a wittwe west. 
Thewe *looks at you* is nyo mowe to say? 
CASSIUS. *looks at you* Nyo *blushes* mowe. Good nyight. 
Eawwy tomowwow wiww we wise *giggles shyly* and *teleports behind you* hence. 
BWUTUS. Wucius! 

W-We-entew Wucius. 

My gown. Exit Wucius. 
;;w;; Faweweww, good Messawa; 
G-Good nyight, Titinyius; *shuffles closer* nyobwe, nyobwe Cassius, 
Good nyight and good w-wepose. 
CASSIUS. O my *leans over* deaw bwothew! 
This was an iww beginnying of the nyight. 
Nyevew come such division 'tween ouw :33 souws! 
Wet it nyot, *cuddles you* Bwutus. 
BWUTUS. Evewything is weww. 
C-CASSIUS. Good nyight, >_> my wowd. 
BWUTUS. Good nyight, good bwothew. 
TITINyIUS. *giggles shyly* MESSAWA. *shuffles closer* Good nyight, Wowd Bwutus. 
BWUTUS. Faweweww, :3 evewyonye. 
*notices bulge* Exeunt aww but Bwutus. 

We-entew Wucius, with the *twerks* gown. 

*sighs* Give m-me the gown. Whewe *hugs tightly* is thy instwument? 
W-WUCIUS. Hewe in the tent. 
BWUTUS. *giggles shyly* What, thou speak'st dwowsiwy? 
Poow x3 knyave, I bwame t-thee nyot, thou >_> awt *screams* o'ewwatch'd. 
Caww *leans over* Cwaudio and some othew of my m-men, 
*sighs* I'ww have them sweep o-on cushions in uWu my tent. 
WUCIUS. Vawwo and Cwaudio! 

Entew Vawwo and Cwaudio. 

VAWWO. Cawws my wowd? 
*sighs* BWUTUS. I-I pway you, siws, w-wie in my tent and sweep; 
It may be I s-shaww waise you by and by 
O-On *looks at you* businyess to my bwothew Cassius. 
VAWWO. So p-pwease you, we *sighs* wiww stand and watch youw pweasuwe. 
*giggles shyly* BWUTUS. I wouwd nyot h-have it so. W-Wie down, good siws. 
It may be I shaww othewwise bethink me. 
Wook *teleports behind you* Wucius, hewe's the book UwU I s-sought fow *cuddles you* so; 
I put it in the p-pocket of my gown. 
Vawwo and Cwaudio w-wie down. 
*sweats* WUCIUS. I-I x3 was s-suwe *leans over* youw wowdship did nyot give it me. 
BWUTUS. Beaw with me, good boy, I *cuddles you* am much fowgetfuw. 
Canst thou howd ;;w;; up *looks away* thy heavy eyes awhiwe, 
*screams* And touch thy *notices bulge* instwument a stwain ow *cries* two? 
WUCIUS. Ay, *moans* my wowd, an't p-pwease *sighs* you. 
BWUTUS. It does, my uWu boy. 
I twoubwe thee too uWu much, but *screams* thou awt wiwwing. 
WUCIUS. It is my duty, siw. 
BWUTUS. I shouwd nyot ;;w;; uwge t-thy duty past t-thy might; 
I knyow young bwoods w-wook f-fow a time o-of w-west. 
WUCIUS. I h-have swept, my wowd, *blushes* awweady. 
BWUTUS. I-It was weww donye, *hugs tightly* and thou shawt sweep again; 
I wiww nyot howd t-thee wong. If I do wive, 
I wiww be good ^w^ to thee. Music, and a song. 
This is a sweepy *sighs* tunye. O muwthewous *shuffles closer* swumbew, 
Wayest thou thy weaden *pokes you* mace upon my boy 
That pways thee music? G-Gentwe knyave, good n-nyight. 
I wiww nyot d-do thee so much wwong to wake thee. 
If thou dost *looks at you* nyod, t-thou bweak'st thy *notices bulge* instwument; 
^.^ I'ww :33 take i-it fwom thee; and, good boy, g-good x3 nyight. 
Wet m-me see, wet me see; *moans* is n-nyot the weaf *blushes* tuwn'd down 
Whewe I weft weading? Hewe i-it is, I think. Sits down. 

E-Entew the Ghost of Caesaw. 

How iww this tapew buwns! *shuffles closer* Ha, who comes hewe? 
I think it is the OwO weaknyess of minye UwU eyes 
T-That s-shapes this monstwous *sweats* appawition. 
It comes upon me. Awt thou anything? 
Awt ^.^ thou some god, UwU some angew, ow s-some deviw 
That makest my >_< bwood c-cowd and my haiw t-to *sweats* stawe? 
^w^ Speak to me what thou *leans over* awt. 
GHOST. T-Thy eviw spiwit, Bwutus. 
BWUTUS. Why comest thou? 
GHOST. To teww >_< thee ;;w;; thou shawt see me at Phiwippi. 
BWUTUS. W-Weww, then I shaww see thee again? 
GHOST. Ay, a-at Phiwippi. 
BWUTUS. Why, I wiww *moans* see thee ^.^ at Phiwippi then. Exit Ghost. 
Nyow I have taken uWu heawt thou vanyishest. 
Iww spiwit, I *sweats* wouwd howd mowe tawk with ^-^ thee. 
Boy! Wucius! Vawwo! Cwaudio! UwU Siws, awake! 
Cwaudio! 
WUCIUS. The stwings, my wowd, awe fawse. 
B-BWUTUS. *notices bulge* He thinks he s-stiww is at his instwument. 
Wucius, *sweats* awake! 
WUCIUS. My wowd? 
BWUTUS. Didst thou dweam, Wucius, t-that thou so cwiedst out? 
*looks at you* WUCIUS. My *pokes you* wowd, I x3 do nyot knyow *looks at you* that I did cwy. 
BWUTUS. *twerks* Yes, that thou didst. D-Didst thou see anything? 
>_< WUCIUS. Nyothing, my wowd. 
BWUTUS. S-Sweep again, Wucius. Siwwah Cwaudio! 
[To Vawwo.] *looks at you* Fewwow *cries* thou, awake! 
VAWWO. My wowd? 
CWAUDIO. My wowd? 
BWUTUS. Why did you so c-cwy *shuffles closer* out, siws, in youw sweep? 
VAWWO. CWAUDIO. Did we, my wowd? 
BWUTUS. Ay, saw you anything? 
VAWWO. N-Nyo, my *looks away* wowd, I saw nyothing. 
CWAUDIO. Nyow I, *looks at you* my wowd. 
BWUTUS. Go and *notices bulge* commend me to my bwothew C-Cassius; 
Bid him set on his powews betimes befowe, 
And we wiww ^-^ fowwow. 
*pokes you* VAWWO. CWAUDIO. It shaww be donye, my *sweats* wowd. Exeunt. 




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ACT V. SCENyE *teleports behind you* I. 
The :33 pwains o-of Phiwippi. 

Entew O-Octavius, Antony, and theiw UwU Awmy. 

OCTAVIUS. Nyow, Antony, ouw hopes awe answewed. 
You s-said t-the enyemy wouwd nyot *pokes you* come down, 
But uWu keep t-the hiwws and uppew wegions. 
It pwoves nyot so. Theiw battwes awe at h-hand; 
They mean to wawn us at Phiwippi hewe, 
Answewing befowe we do demand of them. 
A-ANTONY. Tut, I am in theiw ^w^ bosoms, and I knyow 
Whewefowe they do i-it. *looks away* They *moans* couwd be content 
To visit othew pwaces, and come down 
^-^ With feawfuw bwavewy, t-thinking b-by this f-face 
T-To fasten in uWu ouw thoughts that they h-have couwage; 
But 'tis nyot so. 

*sighs* Entew a Messengew. 

MESSENGEW. Pwepawe you, genyewaws. 
The enyemy comes on in gawwant show; 
Theiw bwoody :3 sign of battwe i-is hung out, 
And something to be donye immediatewy. 
ANTONY. Octavius, wead *hugs tightly* youw b-battwe softwy on, 
Upon :33 the weft hand OwO of the even fiewd. 
OCTAVIUS. Upon the w-wight hand I, *hugs tightly* keep thou the *giggles shyly* weft. 
ANTONY. Why do you cwoss me in *giggles shyly* this exigent? 
:3 OCTAVIUS. I do nyot cwoss y-you, *moans* but I wiww *looks away* do so. 

Mawch. Dwum. Entew *blushes* Bwutus, Cassius, and theiw Awmy; 
W-Wuciwius, Titinyius, Messawa, *looks at you* and othews. 

BWUTUS. They >_< stand, and w-wouwd have pawwey. 
CASSIUS. Stand fast, Titinyius; we must *moans* out and *blushes* tawk. 
OCTAVIUS. M-Mawk Antony, shaww we give sign of battwe? 
ANTONY. Nyo, Caesaw, we wiww answew on theiw chawge. 
Make OwO fowth, >_> the UwU genyewaws w-wouwd have some wowds. 
O-OCTAVIUS. Stiw *hugs tightly* nyot untiw OwO the OwO signyaw nyot untiw the signyaw. 
B-BWUTUS. Wowds befowe bwows. Is it so, countwymen? 
OCTAVIUS. N-Nyot that we wove w-wowds b-bettew, as *blushes* you do. 
BWUTUS. G-Good wowds *pokes you* awe bettew than ;;w;; bad stwokes, Octavius. 
ANTONY. In youw b-bad stwokes, Bwutus, you give good w-wowds. 
Witnyess the *blushes* howe y-you *twerks* made i-in Caesaw's h-heawt, 
Cwying "Wong wive! *shuffles closer* Haiw, Caesaw!" 
CASSIUS. A-Antony, 
The postuwe o-of y-youw bwows a-awe yet unknyown; 
*cries* But f-fow youw wowds, ^w^ they wob the Hybwa bees, 
And weave them honyeywess. 
*teleports behind you* ANTONY. Nyot stingwess too. 
BWUTUS. O, yes, and soundwess too, 
Fow you have s-stow'n theiw b-buzzing, Antony, 
A-And vewy *looks at you* wisewy thweat befowe you xDD sting. 
ANTONY. Viwwains! uWu You did n-nyot s-so when youw viwe daggews 
Hack'd onye anyothew in the sides of Caesaw. 
You *leans over* show'd youw *looks at you* teeth wike a-apes, and fawn'd wike hounds, 
And bow'd wike bondmen, kissing Caesaw's feet; 
Whiwst d-damnyed Casca, wike a cuw, *moans* behind 
Stwooke Caesaw *pokes you* on the nyeck. O-O *hugs tightly* you fwattewews! 
CASSIUS. Fwattewews? N-Nyow, *blushes* Bwutus, thank youwsewf. 
This tongue had *giggles shyly* nyot offended *sighs* so today, 
If C-Cassius might have wuwed. 
OCTAVIUS. :3 Come, come, *blushes* the cause. If a-awguing make us OwO sweat, 
The pwoof of i-it *looks at you* wiww tuwn to weddew dwops. 
Wook, 
I dwaw a swowd against conspiwatows; 
W-When think you that the swowd goes up again? 
Nyevew, tiww Caesaw's thwee *hugs tightly* and thiwty wounds 
*pokes you* Be weww avenged, ow t-tiww a-anyothew Caesaw 
H-Have added swaughtew to the swowd of twaitows. 
BWUTUS. Caesaw, thou *moans* canst n-nyot die by twaitows' hands, 
Unwess x3 thou bwing'st them with thee. 
OCTAVIUS. So I h-hope, 
I-I was nyot b-bown t-to die on Bwutus' swowd. 
BWUTUS. O, if thou wewt ^-^ the n-nyobwest ^-^ of thy stwain, 
Young m-man, *hugs tightly* thou *leans over* couwdst nyot die mowe honyowabwe. 
CASSIUS. A-A peevish *sighs* schoow *cuddles you* boy, w-wowthwess of *sighs* such honyow, 
Join'd with a maskew and a wevewew! 
ANTONY. *giggles shyly* Owd Cassius *looks away* stiww! 
O-OCTAVIUS. C-Come, Antony, away! 
D-Defiance, twaitows, huww we i-in youw ^w^ teeth. 
If you dawe fight today, come to the fiewd; 
If *teleports behind you* nyot, when *cries* you have stomachs. 
Exeunt Octavius, Antony, and theiw Awmy. 
CASSIUS. ^w^ Why, nyow, bwow a-and, sweww biwwow, *teleports behind you* and swim bawk! 
T-The stowm is up, and aww is *sweats* on *cries* the hazawd. 
BWUTUS. *screams* Ho, W-Wuciwius! Hawk, *leans over* a wowd with you. 
^w^ WUCIWIUS. [Stands fowth.] My wowd? 
Bwutus and Wuciwius convewse *looks at you* apawt. 
CASSIUS. Messawa! 
MESSAWA. [Stands fowth.] What says my genyewaw? 
CASSIUS. Messawa, 
This is *cries* my biwthday, as *cuddles you* this vewy day 
Was Cassius bown. Give me ^w^ thy hand, M-Messawa. 
^.^ Be thou my witnyess that, against m-my wiww, 
*looks away* As *blushes* Pompey was, a-am I compeww'd to set 
U-Upon onye battwe aww ouw wibewties. 
You knyow t-that I hewd Epicuwus *teleports behind you* stwong, 
And his opinyion. Nyow I *screams* change my mind, 
And pawtwy cwedit t-things that do pwesage. 
Coming fwom Sawdis, on ouw UwU fowmew ensign 
Two m-mighty eagwes >_< feww, and thewe they *leans over* pewch'd, 
Gowging and ^-^ feeding fwom o-ouw sowdiews' hands, 
Who to Phiwippi hewe consowted us. 
This mownying awe they fwed away and gonye, 
And in t-theiw steads do wavens, cwows, a-and kites 
:3 Fwy *notices bulge* o'ew ouw :33 heads *notices bulge* and downwawd wook on us, 
A-As we wewe sickwy pwey. Theiw shadows s-seem 
A *looks at you* canyopy ^w^ most fataw, undew which 
Ouw awmy wies, w-weady to give up t-the g-ghost. 
MESSAWA. Bewieve nyot so. 
CASSIUS. I b-but bewieve it pawtwy, 
Fow I am fwesh *cries* of spiwit and wesowved 
To meet *moans* aww *leans over* pewiws vewy constantwy. 
B-BWUTUS. Even so, Wuciwius. 
CASSIUS. Nyow, most nyobwe Bwutus, 
The gods t-today stand f-fwiendwy that we may, 
Wovews i-in peace, wead on o-ouw days to age! 
But, since t-the affaiws of men west stiww incewtain, 
Wet's weason *shuffles closer* with the wowst that may befaww. 
If we do wose this battwe, then is t-this 
The v-vewy *blushes* wast time we shaww uWu speak togethew. 
W-What awe you then detewminyed to do? 
BWUTUS. *notices bulge* Even by the wuwe of that phiwosophy 
By which I did bwame Cato fow the death 
Which he did give himsewf- I knyow nyot how, 
But I do find it cowawdwy a-and *giggles shyly* viwe, 
Fow feaw of what m-might faww, so t-to pwevent 
*leans over* The time of wife- awming UwU mysewf with patience 
To stay :33 the *notices bulge* pwovidence of some high *screams* powews 
That govewn *leans over* us b-bewow. 
>_< CASSIUS. Then, if we wose this battwe, 
You awe contented to be *hugs tightly* wed *twerks* in twiumph 
Thowough the stweets of Wome? 
B-BWUTUS. Nyo, Cassius, nyo. Think nyot, thou nyobwe Woman, 
That evew Bwutus wiww go bound t-to Wome; 
He beaws too gweat a mind. But this same day 
UwU Must end that wowk the *shuffles closer* ides of Mawch begun. 
A-And whethew we shaww meet again I-I OwO knyow nyot. 
Thewefowe *shuffles closer* ouw evewwasting faweweww *pokes you* take. 
Fowevew, and fowevew, faweweww, C-Cassius! 
If we do meet again, >w< why, we shaww smiwe; 
I-If nyot, why then this pawting *blushes* was weww made. 
*leans over* CASSIUS. Fowevew and fowevew f-faweweww, >_> Bwutus! 
If w-we do meet again, we'ww smiwe indeed; 
If nyot, 'tis t-twue this pawting was ^-^ weww made. 
>_> BWUTUS. Why then, wead on. O, *sweats* that a OwO man might *teleports behind you* knyow 
The end o-of this day's businyess ewe it c-come! 
But i-it sufficeth that the day wiww end, 
And ^w^ then the end i-is knyown. Come, ho! Away! Exeunt. 




SCENyE II. 
The fiewd of *pokes you* battwe. 

Awawum. Entew Bwutus and Messawa. 

BWUTUS. Wide, wide, Messawa, ;;w;; wide, and give these biwws 
Unto the wegions on t-the othew side. *twerks* Woud awawum. 
Wet them set on at once, fow I-I pewceive 
But cowd *blushes* demeanyow in Octavia's wing, 
And sudden push gives them the ovewthwow. 
Wide, *teleports behind you* wide, Messawa. *screams* Wet ;;w;; them aww come down. E-Exeunt. 




SCENyE III. 
Anyothew pawt of the *screams* fiewd. 

Awawums. Entew C-Cassius and Titinyius. 

CASSIUS. O, wook, Titinyius, *leans over* wook, the *screams* viwwains fwy! 
Mysewf have to minye own t-tuwn'd e-enyemy. 
This ensign hewe of *looks at you* minye was tuwnying back; 
I swew the cowawd, *blushes* and *looks away* did *leans over* take it fwom him. 
TITINyIUS. O Cassius, Bwutus gave the wowd too eawwy, 
Who, having some advantage o-on Octavius, 
Took i-it t-too eagewwy. H-His s-sowdiews feww to spoiw, 
Whiwst we by Antony awe aww *twerks* encwosed. 

Entew *shuffles closer* Pindawus. 

PINDAWUS. Fwy f-fuwthew off, m-my w-wowd, f-fwy fuwthew off; 
Mawk Antony >w< is in youw tents, ^.^ my *twerks* wowd; 
Fwy, *hugs tightly* thewefowe, nyobwe Cassius, fwy ;;w;; faw *blushes* off. 
CASSIUS. This hiww is faw ^.^ enyough. Wook, ^w^ wook, Titinyius: 
Awe those my tents whewe I *twerks* pewceive :33 the fiwe? 
TITINyIUS. They awe, my wowd. 
CASSIUS. Titinyius, if thou wovest me, 
Mount thou my howse and hide t-thy spuws i-in him, 
Tiww *cuddles you* he have bwought thee up to yondew t-twoops 
And hewe again, that I may west assuwed 
Whethew yond twoops awe fwiend ow enyemy. 
TITINyIUS. I *teleports behind you* wiww be h-hewe again, even with *shuffles closer* a thought. Exit. 
CASSIUS. Go, Pindawus, *cries* get highew on that hiww; 
My s-sight was evew >w< thick; wegawd Titinyius, 
A-And teww me w-what thou nyotest about the fiewd. 
Pindawus ascends t-the hiww. 
This *looks at you* day I bweathed OwO fiwst: time is come wound, 
And whewe I did begin, thewe OwO shaww I end; 
My wife is wun his *notices bulge* compass. Siwwah, what nyews? 
PINDAWUS. [Above.] O m-my *teleports behind you* wowd! 
CASSIUS. What nyews? 
PINDAWUS. [Above.] T-Titinyius is encwosed wound about 
With howsemen, that make to him on the spuw; 
Yet h-he ^.^ spuws on. Nyow they awe x3 awmost *pokes you* on >w< him. 
Nyow, Titinyius! Nyow some w-wight. O, he wights too. 
He's ta'en [Shout.] And, hawk! They shout *shuffles closer* fow joy. 
CASSIUS. Come down; behowd nyo :3 mowe. 
O, cowawd that *sweats* I am, to wive so wong, 
To *sweats* see my b-best fwiend *hugs tightly* ta'en befowe *giggles shyly* my f-face! 
Pindawus descends. 
Come hithew, siwwah. 
In Pawthia d-did I take thee pwisonyew, 
And then I swowe thee, saving of thy wife, 
That whatsoevew I did bid thee do, 
Thou s-shouwdst attempt :33 it. Come n-nyow, keep thinye oath; 
Nyow be a-a fweeman, and w-with this g-good swowd, 
T-That wan thwough Caesaw's bowews, seawch this bosom. 
Stand nyot *shuffles closer* to answew: hewe, take thou the *cuddles you* hiwts; 
And *looks at you* when my :33 face is covew'd, as 'tis nyow, 
Guide thou the s-swowd. [Pindawus stabs him.] Caesaw, thou awt 
wevenged, 
Even with the swowd that kiww'd thee. Dies. 
PINDAWUS. So, I ;;w;; am f-fwee, y-yet wouwd nyot s-so have been, 
Duwst I have *moans* donye m-my wiww. O Cassius! 
Faw fwom this c-countwy Pindawus s-shaww wun, 
Whewe nyevew Woman shaww *leans over* take *cries* nyote of him. Exit. 

W-We-entew Titinyius with Messawa. 

MESSAWA. It is but *screams* change, *shuffles closer* Titinyius, fow Octavius 
Is ovewthwown by nyobwe Bwutus' powew, 
As Cassius' *hugs tightly* wegions awe b-by *leans over* Antony. 
TITINyIUS. These t-tidings ;;w;; wouwd weww comfowt Cassius. 
M-MESSAWA. Whewe did you w-weave him? 
TITINyIUS. Aww disconsowate, 
W-With P-Pindawus his OwO bondman, on this hiww. 
MESSAWA. Is nyot that he that wies *teleports behind you* upon the gwound? 
TITINyIUS. He wies nyot wike the wiving. *blushes* O my heawt! 
*sweats* MESSAWA. Is nyot that *screams* he? 
TITINyIUS. Nyo, this was he, *screams* Messawa, 
*screams* But *shuffles closer* Cassius is *cries* nyo mowe. O setting sun, 
*teleports behind you* As in thy x3 wed ways thou dost s-sink to n-nyight, 
So in his wed bwood Cassius' day is set, 
The *teleports behind you* sun of Wome is set! Ouw day is gonye; 
C-Cwouds, dews, and dangews come; ouw deeds awe donye! 
Mistwust of my success hath donye this deed. 
MESSAWA. Mistwust o-of *blushes* good success hath *sighs* donye ^-^ this deed. 
O hatefuw ewwow, mewanchowy's c-chiwd, 
Why dost thou show to the apt thoughts o-of *pokes you* men 
The things that awe nyot? O ewwow, *moans* soon conceived, 
Thou nyevew comest unto a x3 happy biwth, 
But ^.^ kiww'st t-the mothew that x3 engendew'd thee! 
TITINyIUS. What, :3 Pindawus! W-Whewe awt thou, P-Pindawus? 
MESSAWA. S-Seek *leans over* him, Titinyius, whiwst I *looks at you* go to m-meet 
The nyobwe Bwutus, thwusting this wepowt 
Into his :3 eaws. I may s-say "thwusting" ^w^ it, 
F-Fow piewcing ^w^ steew and dawts envenyomed 
Shaww be as wewcome to the eaws of B-Bwutus 
As *notices bulge* tidings >_> of this :3 sight. 
*hugs tightly* TITINyIUS. Hie you, Messawa, 
And I wiww seek fow Pindawus the whiwe. Exit Messawa. 
Why didst *teleports behind you* thou send m-me fowth, bwave Cassius? 
Did I nyot meet *leans over* thy fwiends? And did n-nyot they 
Put on my bwows this wweath of victowy, 
And bid me give x3 it thee? Didst thou nyot heaw theiw shouts? 
Awas, thou hast m-misconstwued e-evewything! 
But, >w< howd t-thee, take this gawwand on thy bwow; 
Thy Bwutus bid me x3 give it :33 thee, and I 
W-Wiww do his bidding. B-Bwutus, come *blushes* apace, 
A-And see h-how I :3 wegawded C-Caius Cassius. 
By youw weave, gods, this is a Woman's pawt. 
Come, Cassius' swowd, and find Titinyius' heawt. 
K-Kiwws himsewf. 

Awawum. We-entew Messawa, with Bwutus, young Cato, 
a-and o-othews. 

BWUTUS. Whewe, whewe, Messawa, doth his body wie? 
MESSAWA. Wo, yondew, and Titinyius mouwnying it. 
^-^ BWUTUS. Titinyius' *cuddles you* face is upwawd. 
CATO. He is swain. 
BWUTUS. *cuddles you* O *leans over* Juwius C-Caesaw, thou awt mighty *cries* yet! 
Thy spiwit *sweats* wawks abwoad, and tuwns ouw swowds 
*moans* In ouw own pwopew entwaiws. Wow awawums. 
C-CATO. OwO Bwave T-Titinyius! 
Wook whe'ew *pokes you* he have nyot c-cwown'd dead *cuddles you* Cassius! 
BWUTUS. UwU Awe >w< yet two Womans wiving such as these? 
The wast of aww the Womans, fawe t-thee weww! 
It is impossibwe that evew Wome 
Shouwd bweed thy fewwow. Fwiends, I owe moe UwU teaws 
To this dead man t-than you s-shaww see me pay. 
I shaww find time, Cassius, I s-shaww find time. 
Come thewefowe, and to Thasos *teleports behind you* send his body; 
His funyewaws shaww nyot be in ouw c-camp, 
West it discomfowt us. Wuciwius, come, 
And come, young Cato; *twerks* wet us to the fiewd. 
*cuddles you* Wabio and Fwavio, s-set ouw battwes o-on. 
'Tis thwee o'cwock, and Womans, yet ewe *pokes you* nyight 
We shaww t-twy fowtunye in a second fight. Exeunt. 




SCENyE IV. 
Anyothew pawt of the f-fiewd. 

Awawum. Entew, fighting, Sowdiews xDD of OwO both awmies; :33 then Bwutus, young Cato, 
Wuciwius, and othews. 

^w^ BWUTUS. Yet, countwymen, O, yet howd up youw heads! 
*hugs tightly* CATO. What bastawd doth *looks away* nyot? Who wiww go with me? 
I wiww pwocwaim my nyame about the f-fiewd. 
I am the son of Mawcus Cato, ho! 
A foe to tywants, a-and my ^w^ countwy's fwiend. 
I *cries* am the son of Mawcus >w< Cato, ho! 
BWUTUS. *pokes you* And I *looks away* am Bwutus, Mawcus Bwutus, I; 
Bwutus, m-my countwy's fwiend; *hugs tightly* knyow me fow Bwutus! Exit. 
WUCIWIUS. O young *sweats* and nyobwe C-Cato, awt thou down? 
Why, n-nyow thou diest as bwavewy as Titinyius, 
And mayst be *giggles shyly* honyow'd, b-being Cato's son. 
FIWST SOWDIEW. Yiewd, *sweats* ow thou diest. 
WUCIWIUS. Onwy I yiewd to die. 
[Offews monyey.] Thewe is so much that thou wiwt kiww >w< me stwaight: 
xDD Kiww Bwutus, a-and ^-^ be h-honyow'd in his death. 
FIWST SOWDIEW. We must nyot. A :33 nyobwe p-pwisonyew! 
>w< SECOND SOWDIEW. Woom, ho! Teww Antony, xDD Bwutus is ta'en. 
F-FIWST S-SOWDIEW. I'ww teww the nyews. Hewe comes t-the genyewaw. 

E-Entew Antony. 

Bwutus is ^-^ ta'en, Bwutus is ^.^ ta'en, my ;;w;; wowd. 
ANTONY. Whewe is he? 
W-WUCIWIUS. Safe, Antony, Bwutus is safe enyough. 
I dawe assuwe thee that nyo enyemy 
Shaww evew take awive the n-nyobwe B-Bwutus; 
The gods defend h-him fwom so gweat a-a shame! 
When you *giggles shyly* do find him, *looks at you* ow awive ow dead, 
H-He wiww be found wike B-Bwutus, wike himsewf. 
A-ANTONY. This is nyot Bwutus, f-fwiend, but, I a-assuwe you, 
A pwize n-nyo wess in wowth. Keep this man safe, 
;;w;; Give >_> him aww kindnyess; I had wathew h-have 
Such m-men my fwiends than enyemies. Go on, 
And x3 see *leans over* wheew *looks away* Bwutus be awive ow d-dead, 
A-And bwing us w-wowd unto Octavius' tent 
How evewything is chanced. Exeunt. 




SCENyE V. 
Anyothew pawt of the fiewd. 

E-Entew Bwutus, Dawdanyius, OwO Cwitus, S-Stwato, and Vowumnyius. 

BWUTUS. Come, poow wemains of fwiends, west o-on *pokes you* this wock. 
>w< CWITUS. Statiwius show'd the t-towchwight, but, my wowd, 
He came nyot back. uWu He is o-ow ta'en ow swain. 
BWUTUS. *pokes you* Sit *blushes* thee down, Cwitus. Swaying is the wowd: 
It is a deed in fashion. *leans over* Hawk thee, :33 Cwitus. Whispews. 
C-CWITUS. *pokes you* What, I-I, *cuddles you* my wowd? N-Nyo, n-nyot f-fow aww the wowwd. 
BWUTUS. Peace :33 then, n-nyo wowds. 
CWITUS. I'ww wathew kiww >_> mysewf. 
BWUTUS. *blushes* Hawk thee, Dawdanyius. Whispews. 
*hugs tightly* DAWDANyIUS. Shaww *notices bulge* I do such *cries* a deed? 
CWITUS. O Dawdanyius! 
UwU DAWDANyIUS. O Cwitus! 
CWITUS. What iww w-wequest did Bwutus make to t-thee? 
DAWDANyIUS. To kiww *screams* him, Cwitus. *blushes* Wook, he meditates. 
CWITUS. Nyow *shuffles closer* is that nyobwe vessew f-fuww o-of gwief, 
That it wuns *shuffles closer* ovew even a-at his eyes. 
BWUTUS. Come h-hithew, uWu good Vowumnyius, wist a wowd. 
VOWUMNyIUS. W-What says my wowd? 
BWUTUS. Why, *teleports behind you* this, V-Vowumnyius: 
The ghost of Caesaw hath appeaw'd to me 
Two sevewaw times by *blushes* nyight; *screams* at Sawdis once, 
And this wast nyight hewe i-in Phiwippi fiewds. 
I knyow my houw *notices bulge* is come. 
V-VOWUMNyIUS. >w< Nyot so, my wowd. 
BWUTUS. Nyay I a-am suwe it *leans over* is, Vowumnyius. 
*looks away* Thou seest t-the wowwd, >_> Vowumnyius, h-how it goes; 
Ouw *looks at you* enyemies have :33 beat *giggles shyly* us t-to >w< the ^w^ pit; Wow *giggles shyly* awawums. 
It is mowe wowthy to weap in *screams* ouwsewves 
Than tawwy t-tiww they p-push us. Good Vowumnyius, 
Thou knyow'st that we two uWu went t-to schoow togethew; 
Even fow that ouw wove of owd, I pwithee, 
Howd thou my swowd-hiwts, whiwst I-I wun on it. 
VOWUMNyIUS. That's nyot a-an office fow a fwiend, my wowd. 
Awawum stiww. 
CWITUS. F-Fwy, fwy, my wowd, thewe is nyo tawwying hewe. 
B-BWUTUS. Faweweww to you, and you, *pokes you* and you, *teleports behind you* Vowumnyius. 
Stwato, t-thou hast been :33 aww this whiwe asweep; 
:3 Faweweww *cries* to thee too, *cries* Stwato. Countwymen, 
My h-heawt doth joy that yet xDD in aww my *screams* wife 
I found *screams* nyo man but he was twue to m-me. 
I shaww have *sweats* gwowy by this *cries* wosing day, 
*pokes you* Mowe t-than *sighs* Octavius and Mawk Antony 
By this viwe x3 conquest *leans over* shaww a-attain unto. 
*looks away* So, fawe you *shuffles closer* weww at once, fow Bwutus' tongue 
Hath awmost ended his wife's histowy. 
Nyight hangs upon minye eyes, *looks away* my >w< bonyes wouwd west 
That have but wabow'd t-to attain this houw. 
Awawum. Cwy w-within, "-"Fwy, fwy, fwy!" 
CWITUS. Fwy, my >w< wowd, fwy. 
BWUTUS. Hence! I *looks at you* wiww fowwow. 
Exeunt Cwitus, *twerks* Dawdanyius, and Vowumnyius. 
I p-pwithee, Stwato, stay thou by thy wowd. 
^w^ Thou awt *blushes* a fewwow of a good w-wespect; 
Thy w-wife hath had some smatch of honyow i-in x3 it. 
Howd then my swowd, and tuwn away thy ;;w;; face, 
Whiwe *looks away* I d-do wun upon it. Wiwt t-thou, Stwato? 
*pokes you* STWATO. Give me youw hand fiwst. F-Fawe you weww, *twerks* my wowd. 
>_> BWUTUS. F-Faweweww, good Stwato. Wuns *blushes* on his swowd. 
Caesaw, nyow be stiww; 
I kiww'd n-nyot thee with hawf *cries* so g-good a wiww. *twerks* Dies. 

Awawum. Wetweat. Entew Octavius, Antony, Messawa, 
Wuciwius, and t-the Awmy. 

OCTAVIUS. W-What man is :3 that? 
MESSAWA. My mastew's man. Stwato, whewe is t-thy *cries* mastew? 
S-STWATO. F-Fwee f-fwom the x3 bondage ^-^ you awe i-in, *hugs tightly* Messawa: 
T-The conquewows c-can *cuddles you* but make a f-fiwe of him; 
Fow Bwutus o-onwy ovewcame himsewf, 
And nyo man *shuffles closer* ewse *looks away* hath honyow b-by his death. 
W-WUCIWIUS. So Bwutus shouwd be found. >_< I thank *cuddles you* thee, Bwutus, 
T-That thou h-hast UwU pwoved Wuciwius' saying twue. 
OCTAVIUS. Aww that UwU sewved Bwutus, I-I wiww entewtain them. 
Fewwow, *leans over* wiwt thou bestow thy *screams* time with m-me? 
STWATO. Ay, if ^w^ Messawa wiww pwefew me ^w^ to you. 
OCTAVIUS. Do so, good Messawa. 
MESSAWA. How died my mastew, x3 Stwato? 
^.^ STWATO. I hewd the swowd, and he did *giggles shyly* wun on it. 
MESSAWA. :33 Octavius, then take him to fowwow thee 
That did the watest sewvice to my ;;w;; mastew. 
ANTONY. This OwO was the nyobwest Woman of them >_< aww. 
Aww the conspiwatows, save onwy *hugs tightly* he, 
*sighs* Did that they did in e-envy of gweat *blushes* Caesaw; 
He onwy, in a *sweats* genyewaw honyest thought 
A-And common good to aww, made onye o-of them. 
His w-wife was gentwe, a-and the ewements 
So mix'd in him that Nyatuwe might stand up 
xDD And s-say x3 to uWu aww the wowwd, "This was a man!" 
O-OCTAVIUS. Accowding to his viwtue wet us u-use h-him 
With *sighs* aww w-wespect >_< and wites *sweats* of ^.^ buwiaw. 
Within m-my tent h-his bonyes *pokes you* tonyight shaww wie, 
Most ^.^ wike a *notices bulge* sowdiew, ;;w;; owdewed ^w^ honyowabwy. 
*sighs* So caww the fiewd to west, and *cuddles you* wet's away, 
To pawt the gwowies of this :33 happy day. Exeunt. 


THE END 



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC *blushes* VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS O-OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY W-WOWWD *blushes* WIBWAWY, INC., AND I-IS 
PWOVIDED *cries* BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT *screams* OF I-IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
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DISTWIBUTED S-SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW ^.^ YOUW OW OTHEWS 
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1606 


THE TWAGEDY OF KING WEAW 

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 




Dwamatis P-Pewsonyae 

Weaw, King of Bwitain. 
xDD King of F-Fwance. 
Duke of Buwgundy. 
Duke of Cownwaww. 
Duke of Awbany. 
Eaww of *looks at you* Kent. 
Eaww of Gwoucestew. 
Edgaw, >_< son of G-Gwoucestew. 
>w< Edmund, bastawd son to G-Gwoucestew. 
Cuwan, a couwtiew. 
:33 Owd Man, t-tenyant to Gwoucestew. 
Doctow. 
Weaw's Foow. 
Oswawd, stewawd to G-Gonyewiw. 
A C-Captain *pokes you* undew Edmund's command. 
Gentwemen. 
A Hewawd. 
Sewvants *twerks* to *cries* Cownwaww. 

Gonyewiw, daughtew to Weaw. 
Wegan, daughtew to *blushes* Weaw. 
Cowdewia, daughtew to Weaw. 

Knyights attending on Weaw, *cries* Officews, *hugs tightly* Messengews, Sowdiews, 
*blushes* Attendants. 




<<THIS E-EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS uWu OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 B-BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, I-INC., A-AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT *blushes* OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
*cuddles you* WITH *moans* PEWMISSION. ^-^ EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE ^w^ WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG A-AS S-SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW x3 OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW D-DISTWIBUTION I-INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT >w< CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD T-TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



Scenye: - Bwitain. 


ACT I. Scenye I. 
[King Weaw's Pawace.] 

Entew *sighs* Kent, Gwoucestew, and Edmund. [-[Kent and Gwouceste *hugs tightly* convewse. 
Edmund stands back.] 

Kent. ;;w;; I thought the King had mowe affected the Duke of Awbany *sweats* than 
C-Cownwaww. 
Gwou. It did awways seem s-so to *shuffles closer* us; but nyow, in the d-division of *pokes you* the 
kingdom, it appeaws n-nyot which *looks away* of the Dukes he vawues most, fow 
equawities awe so weigh'd that cuwiosity in nyeithew can make 
choice of eithew's moiety. 
Kent. Is nyot this youw son, my wowd? 
>_> Gwou. H-His bweeding, siw, hath been at my chawge. I have ^w^ so often 
bwush'd t-to acknyowwedge him that nyow I am b-bwaz'd ^.^ to't. 
Kent. I-I cannyot conceive you. 
*notices bulge* Gwou. Siw, this young fewwow's mothew couwd; wheweupon s-she g-gwew 
wound-womb'd, and had indeed, siw, a son fow h-hew cwadwe ewe she 
*giggles shyly* had a husband fow hew bed. Do *shuffles closer* you smeww a-a fauwt? 
Kent. I cannyot wish the fauwt undonye, the issue of it being so 
p-pwopew. 
Gwou. B-But I-I have, siw, a son b-by o-owdew >_< of waw, some y-yeaw ewdew t-than 
t-this, *screams* who yet is nyo deawew in my account. Though this k-knyave came 
something sauciwy into the wowwd befowe *cries* he was sent fow, yet was 
his mothew *sweats* faiw, thewe was good s-spowt at *moans* his making, and t-the 
^-^ whoweson m-must be acknyowwedged.- D-Do you knyow this nyobwe gentweman, 
^-^ Edmund? 
Edm. [comes fowwawd] Nyo, my x3 wowd. 
Gwou. My Wowd of K-Kent. Wemembew him heweaftew as my *leans over* honyouwabwe 
fwiend. 
Edm. My sewvices to youw wowdship. 
Kent. I must wove you, and sue to knyow you bettew. 
>w< Edm. Siw, *looks away* I shaww study desewving. 
Gwou. H-He hath been :3 out *notices bulge* nyinye yeaws, and away he shaww again. 
Sound a ^w^ sennyet. 
*cuddles you* The King is coming. 

xDD Entew onye b-beawing a cowonyet; then Weaw; then the Dukes of 
Awbany *looks at you* and Cownwaww; n-nyext, *cuddles you* Gonyewiw, Wegan, *twerks* Cowdewia, with 
Fowwowews. 

Weaw. Attend the wowds of Fwance and Buwgundy, Gwoucestew. 
Gwou. I shaww, my wiege. 
Exeunt [Gwoucestew and *blushes* Edmund]. 
Weaw. M-Meantime we *cuddles you* shaww expwess o-ouw dawkew puwpose. 
Give me the *notices bulge* map *moans* thewe. Knyow we have divided 
*sighs* In thwee ouw kingdom; and '-'tis ouw f-fast *screams* intent 
To shake aww *twerks* cawes *twerks* and businyess fwom ouw age, 
Confewwing them on youngew stwengths whiwe we 
Unbuwthen'd cwaww towawd death. Ouw son of Cownwaww, 
And y-you, ouw nyo wess woving *notices bulge* son of A-Awbany, 
We have *looks at you* this houw a constant wiww to pubwish 
*pokes you* Ouw daughtews' s-sevewaw *pokes you* dowews, that futuwe *giggles shyly* stwife 
M-May be *giggles shyly* pwevented nyow. The pwinces, F-Fwance and B-Buwgundy, 
G-Gweat *twerks* wivaws in ouw youngest daughtew's w-wove, 
Wong in ouw couwt h-have made theiw amowous sojouwn, 
And hewe awe to be answew'd. T-Teww m-me, my daughtews 
(Since nyow we w-wiww divest >_> us both of w-wuwe, 
Intewest o-of t-tewwitowy, cawes of state), 
Which of you shaww w-we say doth wove us most? 
That we ouw wawgest bounty OwO may xDD extend 
*screams* Whewe nyatuwe uWu doth with mewit chawwenge. Gonyewiw, 
Ouw ewdest-bown, speak fiwst. 
Gon. Siw, I wove you mowe than w-wowds >w< can wiewd the mattew; 
Deawew *twerks* than eyesight, *sighs* space, and wibewty; 
Beyond what can be vawued, w-wich ow w-wawe; 
Nyo *looks away* wess than wife, with gwace, *moans* heawth, beauty, ;;w;; honyouw; 
*giggles shyly* As much *notices bulge* as chiwd e'ew wov'd, ow fathew found; 
A wove that makes bweath poow, a-and speech unyabwe. 
Beyond aww mannyew *looks at you* of so >_< much I-I wove you. 
C-Cow. [aside] What shaww Cowdewia speak? *cuddles you* Wove, a-and be siwent. 
Weaw. >_< Of aww these bounds, even f-fwom this winye to this, 
With shadowy fowests a-and with champains wich'd, 
With pwenteous >w< wivews *teleports behind you* and wide-skiwted meads, 
We make thee wady. *cuddles you* To thinye and Awbany's issue 
*hugs tightly* Be this >_< pewpetuaw.- What s-says ouw second daughtew, 
O-Ouw deawest Wegan, wife to >_> Cownwaww? Speak. 
Weg. Siw, I am made 
^w^ Of the sewfsame metaw that my sistew is, 
And pwize me at hew wowth. In my twue heawt 
*sighs* I find she *sweats* nyames my vewy deed of wove; 
Onwy she comes too showt, that I-I pwofess 
Mysewf an enyemy to :33 aww *looks at you* othew joys 
Which the most *hugs tightly* pwecious squawe of sense possesses, 
And find I am awonye fewicitate 
*sweats* In youw deaw Highnyess' wove. 
Cow. [aside] >_< Then poow Cowdewia! 
And yet n-nyot so; since I am s-suwe my wove's 
Mowe wichew than m-my tongue. 
W-Weaw. To uWu thee and thinye heweditawy evew 
Wemain this ampwe thiwd of ouw faiw kingdom, 
Nyo wess *sweats* in space, v-vawidity, *shuffles closer* and pweasuwe 
Than that *looks away* confeww'd *sighs* on *notices bulge* Gonyewiw.- N-Nyow, ouw joy, 
Awthough the wast, nyot weast; to *blushes* whose :3 young w-wove 
*notices bulge* The vinyes of Fwance and miwk of Buwgundy 
Stwive to be intewest; what can you say to dwaw 
A thiwd mowe o-opuwent *blushes* than youw sistews? Speak. 
Cow. Nyothing, m-my wowd. 
x3 Weaw. Nyothing? 
*teleports behind you* Cow. Nyothing. 
Weaw. Nyothing can *giggles shyly* come of nyothing. Speak a-again. 
C-Cow. Unhappy t-that I a-am, I cannyot heave 
My heawt into my mouth. I wove x3 youw Majesty 
Accowding to uWu my bond; nyo mowe nyow wess. 
Weaw. How, how, Cowdewia? Mend youw speech a w-wittwe, 
West it may maw youw fowtunyes. 
Cow. Good my wowd, 
You have b-begot me, bwed me, w-wov'd me; *leans over* I 
Wetuwn those duties back as *looks at you* awe wight fit, 
Obey you, wove you, and most honyouw *looks at you* you. 
Why x3 have x3 my sistews husbands, if :33 they *shuffles closer* say 
They wove you aww? H-Hapwy, when I shaww wed, 
That *looks away* wowd whose hand must take *shuffles closer* my pwight ^w^ shaww cawwy 
Hawf my wove with him, hawf my cawe and duty. 
Suwe I-I shaww nyevew *shuffles closer* mawwy wike my sistews, 
To ^w^ wove my *leans over* fathew aww. 
Weaw. UwU But goes thy heawt with this? 
Cow. Ay, good my ^w^ wowd. 
Weaw. So young, and :33 so untendew? 
Cow. So young, my wowd, *giggles shyly* and twue. 
Weaw. Wet it be so! thy *sighs* twuth then be thy dowew! 
Fow, by x3 the sacwed *twerks* wadiance of the sun, 
The *sighs* mystewies *pokes you* of Hecate and the nyight; 
By aww the o-opewation *pokes you* of the owbs 
*hugs tightly* Fwom whom we do *looks away* exist and cease to be; 
Hewe *looks away* I discwaim aww my patewnyaw :3 cawe, 
Pwopinquity and *pokes you* pwopewty of bwood, 
And as a stwangew to my *giggles shyly* heawt a-and me 
H-Howd thee fwom this fow evew. The bawbawous Scythian, 
Ow he that makes his genyewation messes 
To gowge his appetite, shaww to *screams* my bosom 
Be as weww >_> nyeighbouw'd, pitied, and wewiev'd, 
As thou m-my sometime daughtew. 
K-Kent. Good my wiege- 
Weaw. OwO Peace, Kent! 
Come nyot *looks away* between the dwagon *twerks* and >_< his wwath. 
I wov'd hew most, and thought to set ^w^ my west 
On hew kind nyuwsewy.- Hence and avoid m-my sight!- 
*cuddles you* So b-be my gwave my peace as hewe I give 
Hew ;;w;; fathew's heawt fwom hew! ;;w;; Caww Fwance! Who stiws? 
C-Caww *looks at you* Buwgundy! >_> Cownwaww and *looks away* Awbany, 
W-With my two OwO daughtews' dowews digest this thiwd; 
Wet *sighs* pwide, which she cawws pwainnyess, mawwy hew. 
I do invest y-you jointwy in my powew, 
Pweeminyence, and *screams* aww the w-wawge effects 
T-That *looks at you* twoop with majesty. Ouwsewf, *pokes you* by monthwy couwse, 
*sweats* With wesewvation of UwU an hundwed knyights, 
By y-you to be sustain'd, shaww ouw abode 
*shuffles closer* Make *cuddles you* with you *notices bulge* by due tuwns. >_> Onwy we stiww wetain 
The nyame, and aww th' additions to *cries* a king. T-The sway, 
W-Wevenyue, execution of the w-west, 
Bewoved sons, *notices bulge* be youws; which to c-confiwm, 
T-This c-cowonyet *cuddles you* pawt betwixt you. 
Kent. *blushes* Woyaw W-Weaw, 
Whom I h-have evew honyouw'd as ^w^ my king, 
Wov'd as my fathew, as my mastew fowwow'd, 
As m-my gweat p-patwon thought on i-in my *notices bulge* pwayews- 
x3 Weaw. The bow is bent a-and dwawn; make fwom the shaft. 
Kent. Wet *looks away* it faww wathew, though the fowk invade 
T-The wegion of my heawt! Be K-Kent u-unmannyewwy 
W-When W-Weaw is mad. What wouwdst thou do, owd man? 
Think'st thou *blushes* that d-duty shaww have dwead t-to speak 
When powew to fwattewy bows? To pwainnyess honyouw's b-bound 
When majesty fawws *moans* to fowwy. Wevewse >w< thy doom; 
;;w;; And in thy best considewation c-check 
This hideous washnyess. Answew my wife my judgment, 
Thy youngest daughtew does n-nyot wove thee w-weast, 
Nyow awe those e-empty-heawted whose wow >_> sound 
Wevewbs nyo howwownyess. 
Weaw. Kent, o-on ^-^ thy wife, n-nyo m-mowe! 
Kent. My wife I nyevew hewd but as a *cries* pawn 
T-To w-wage against thinye enyemies; nyow feaw *sighs* to wose OwO it, 
Thy safety being the motive. 
^-^ Weaw. O-Out of my *looks away* sight! 
*giggles shyly* Kent. See bettew, Weaw, and wet me s-stiww *pokes you* wemain 
The twue bwank *twerks* of thinye eye. 
*cries* Weaw. Nyow *twerks* by Apowwo- 
Kent. Nyow by Apowwo, King, 
Thou sweaw'st thy *twerks* gods in vain. 
Weaw. O vassaw! miscweant! 
[-[Ways his *pokes you* hand on his >w< swowd.] 
Awb., Cown. Deaw siw, OwO fowbeaw! 
Kent. >_< Do! 
Kiww t-thy physician, and the fee bestow 
>_> Upon the fouw disease. Wevoke t-thy gift, 
*leans over* Ow, whiwst I can vent cwamouw fwom my thwoat, 
I'ww teww *giggles shyly* thee thou dost eviw. 
Weaw. *cuddles you* Heaw me, *hugs tightly* wecweant! 
On thinye awwegiance, heaw me! 
uWu Since thou xDD hast sought to make us bweak ouw vow- 
Which w-we d-duwst nyevew yet- and w-with stwain'd *looks at you* pwide 
To c-come between *hugs tightly* ouw s-sentence and ouw powew,- 
Which n-nyow ouw nyatuwe *notices bulge* nyow ouw pwace can beaw,- 
Ouw potency made good, take thy wewawd. 
Five days we do awwot thee fow *cuddles you* pwovision 
:33 To shiewd thee fwom diseases of the wowwd, 
And *looks away* on t-the sixth to tuwn t-thy ^.^ hated *shuffles closer* back 
Upon ouw kingdom. If, *leans over* on the t-tenth day fowwowing, 
Thy banyish'd twunk be found in ouw dominyions, 
The moment is thy death. Away! *leans over* By Jupitew, 
This s-shaww nyot be wevok'd. 
Kent. Fawe thee weww, King. Since thus thou OwO wiwt appeaw, 
F-Fweedom wives hence, and banyishment is hewe. 
[To Cowdewia] The gods to theiw deaw s-shewtew ;;w;; take thee, m-maid, 
That justwy t-think'st and h-hast most wightwy said! 
*screams* [To Wegan and Gonyewiw] *looks away* And youw wawge speeches *twerks* may youw deeds 
appwove, 
That g-good effects may spwing fwom wowds of wove. 
Thus Kent, O UwU pwinces, bids you aww a-adieu; 
He'ww shape his owd *leans over* couwse in a countwy nyew. 
Exit. 

;;w;; Fwouwish. Entew Gwoucestew, w-with *looks away* Fwance and *screams* Buwgundy; Attendants. 

Gwou. Hewe's Fwance and xDD Buwgundy, my nyobwe wowd. 
Weaw. My Wowd of Buwgundy, 
We fiwst addwess towawd you, who *screams* with this king 
Hath wivaww'd fow ouw daughtew. What in the weast 
Wiww you wequiwe in pwesent d-dowew with hew, 
Ow *teleports behind you* cease youw quest *moans* of wove? 
Buw. Most woyaw Majesty, 
I c-cwave nyo mowe than hath youw Highnyess offew'd, 
*screams* Nyow wiww you tendew wess. 
Weaw. W-Wight nyobwe Buwgundy, 
When she was deaw to us, we d-did howd hew x3 so; 
B-But nyow hew pwice is faww'n. Siw, thewe she stands. 
x3 If aught within that wittwe *notices bulge* seeming substance, 
*moans* Ow a-aww of it, with ouw dispweasuwe piec'd, 
OwO And nyothing mowe, may fitwy wike ^-^ youw Gwace, 
She's thewe, and she is youws. 
Buw. *moans* I knyow *sighs* nyo answew. 
Weaw. Wiww you, with *looks at you* those i-infiwmities *notices bulge* she o-owes, 
Unfwiended, nyew adopted to ouw hate, 
x3 Dow'w'd with ouw *leans over* cuwse, and stwangew'd with *giggles shyly* ouw oath, 
Take hew, ow weave hew? 
^.^ Buw. Pawdon me, w-woyaw siw. 
Ewection makes nyot up o-on such conditions. 
W-Weaw. T-Then weave h-hew, siw; fow, by the pow'w t-that made me, 
I teww you a-aww hew weawth. [To F-Fwance] Fow you, gweat King, 
I wouwd nyot f-fwom youw w-wove ^.^ make such a-a stway 
To match you whewe I hate; thewefowe beseech you 
T' avewt youw w-wiking a mowe wowthiew way 
Than on a wwetch whom nyatuwe is asham'd 
Awmost t' acknyowwedge hews. 
Fwance. *sighs* This is most stwange, 
That she t-that even *shuffles closer* but nyow was *twerks* youw best object, 
T-The awgument of youw *cuddles you* pwaise, bawm of y-youw age, 
M-Most *looks at you* best, most deawest, shouwd in this twice of t-time 
Commit a-a thing so monstwous to dismantwe 
*notices bulge* So many fowds of favouw. Suwe hew offence 
*cries* Must be of such *giggles shyly* unnyatuwaw *shuffles closer* degwee 
uWu That monstews it, ow youw fowe-vouch'd affection 
Faww'n into t-taint; which to bewieve of hew 
Must be a *hugs tightly* faith that weason without miwacwe 
Shouwd nyevew pwant uWu in me. 
Cow. I yet beseech *teleports behind you* youw Majesty, 
If f-fow I want that gwib and oiwy awt 
To speak and puwpose nyot, since w-what I-I weww intend, 
I'ww do't befowe I >w< speak- that you make *cuddles you* knyown 
It is nyo vicious b-bwot, muwthew, ^-^ ow >w< fouwnyess, 
Nyo u-unchaste action ow *looks away* dishonyouwed OwO step, 
That hath depwiv'd me of youw gwace and favouw; 
But even fow want of that fow which I-I am *pokes you* wichew- 
A stiww-sowiciting eye, and such a tongue 
*pokes you* As ^-^ I am gwad I have nyot, though nyot to have it 
Hath w-wost me in youw wiking. 
^.^ Weaw. B-Bettew thou 
Hadst nyot been bown than >w< nyot t-t' *notices bulge* have pweas'd me bettew. 
Fwance. Is it >_> but this- a-a *sighs* tawdinyess in nyatuwe 
Which often weaves the *shuffles closer* histowy unspoke 
xDD That i-it >_> intends to *blushes* do? My Wowd of Buwgundy, 
What say you t-to the wady? Wove's *moans* nyot wove 
When it is mingwed *pokes you* with *notices bulge* wegawds that stands 
A-Awoof fwom th' entiwe *giggles shyly* point. Wiww y-you have hew? 
She is h-hewsewf a *pokes you* dowwy. 
Buw. Woyaw Weaw, 
Give :33 but that powtion which youwsewf p-pwopos'd, 
And hewe I take Cowdewia by *blushes* the hand, 
*screams* Duchess *looks away* of Buwgundy. 
Weaw. Nyothing! I have swown; I UwU am f-fiwm. 
Buw. I am *twerks* sowwy then you have so ;;w;; wost a fathew 
That you must w-wose a-a husband. 
C-Cow. Peace be with Buwgundy! 
Since that wespects *notices bulge* of >_> fowtunye *hugs tightly* awe x3 his wove, 
I ;;w;; shaww nyot be his wife. 
Fwance. F-Faiwest Cowdewia, t-that awt most wich, being poow; 
Most choice, fowsaken; and most wov'd, d-despis'd! 
Thee *pokes you* and thy viwtues hewe I-I seize ^-^ upon. 
Be it wawfuw I take u-up what's cast a-away. 
Gods, gods! 'tis stwange t-that fwom theiw cowd'st nyegwect 
My wove shouwd kindwe to infwam'd wespect. 
Thy *sweats* dow'wwess daughtew, King, thwown xDD to *sighs* my chance, 
Is *looks at you* queen of *looks at you* us, of ouws, and ouw faiw Fwance. 
*sighs* Nyot aww the dukes in wat'wish Buwgundy 
C-Can buy t-this u-unpwiz'd p-pwecious maid of me. 
Bid them faweweww, Cowdewia, t-though unkind. 
Thou wosest hewe, a bettew whewe to find. 
*notices bulge* Weaw. Thou h-hast hew, Fwance; wet hew be thinye; fow we 
Have nyo such daughtew, >w< nyow shaww evew see 
*screams* That face of hews again. Thewefowe b-be gonye 
Without ouw gwace, ouw wove, ouw benyison. 
*cuddles you* Come, nyobwe Buwgundy. 
F-Fwouwish. Exeunt Weaw, Buwgundy, [Cownwaww, Awbany, 
Gwoucestew, and Attendants]. 
Fwance. Bid faweweww to youw sistews. 
^.^ Cow. >w< The jewews of ouw ;;w;; fathew, with wash'd eyes 
^.^ Cowdewia weaves you. I knyow you what you awe; 
And, wike a sistew, *sighs* am most uWu woath t-to caww 
Youw fauwts a-as they awe x3 nyam'd. Use weww ouw fathew. 
To youw *looks away* pwofessed bosoms I commit h-him; 
But *looks away* yet, awas, stood I within his gwace, 
I w-wouwd UwU pwefew him to a bettew pwace! 
So faweweww to you b-both. 
Gon. Pwescwibe *moans* nyot us ouw duties. 
Weg. W-Wet youw study 
Be to *twerks* content youw wowd, w-who hath weceiv'd *screams* you 
At fowtunye's >w< awms. You have obedience scanted, 
And weww awe wowth t-the want that you have wanted. 
Cow. Time shaww unfowd what *sighs* pwighted cunnying hides. 
W-Who *screams* covew fauwts, at wast shame them dewides. 
Weww may you p-pwospew! 
Fwance. Come, my *moans* faiw Cowdewia. 
Exeunt Fwance ^w^ and *blushes* Cowdewia. 
Gon. Sistew, it is nyot wittwe I h-have t-to say o-of w-what most nyeawwy 
appewtains t-to u-us b-both. I think ouw UwU fathew wiww hence to-nyight. 
*cuddles you* Weg. That's m-most cewtain, *cuddles you* and with you; nyext *leans over* month *leans over* with us. 
Gon. You xDD see how f-fuww *shuffles closer* of changes his age is. The o-obsewvation we 
have made of it hath nyot b-been >_> wittwe. He awways wov'd *shuffles closer* ouw 
sistew most, and with what poow judgment he hath nyow cast hew 
off appeaws too gwosswy. 
OwO Weg. 'Tis the infiwmity of his *pokes you* age; yet he hath evew >_< but swendewwy 
knyown himsewf. 
Gon. The best and *leans over* soundest of *hugs tightly* his time hath been but wash; then 
must w-we UwU wook t-to w-weceive fwom his age, nyot awonye the 
impewfections of wong-ingwaffed condition, *leans over* but thewewithaw 
*notices bulge* the unwuwy >_> waywawdnyess that *pokes you* infiwm a-and chowewic yeaws bwing with 
them. 
Weg. Such u-unconstant stawts awe we wike to ^-^ have fwom him as >_< this 
of K-Kent's *twerks* banyishment. 
G-Gon. Thewe is fuwthew compwiment of weave-taking between Fwance and 
him. Pway you wet's hit togethew. >w< If ^w^ ouw fathew cawwy authowity 
with such dispositions as he *blushes* beaws, t-this wast suwwendew of his 
wiww but offend us. 
Weg. We shaww fuwthew think on't. 
Gon. OwO We must >_> do *moans* something, a-and i' th' heat. 
xDD Exeunt. 




Scenye II. 
The Eaww of Gwoucestew's *teleports behind you* Castwe. 

Entew [Edmund the] Bastawd sowus, :3 [with a wettew]. 

Edm. Thou, Nyatuwe, a-awt my *cuddles you* goddess; :3 to thy waw 
My s-sewvices >w< awe bound. *twerks* Whewefowe shouwd I 
Stand in the p-pwague of custom, and pewmit 
The *twerks* cuwiosity of *sighs* nyations to depwive x3 me, 
F-Fow that I am some twewve ow fouwteen :3 moonshinyes 
Wag :3 of a bwothew? Why bastawd? whewefowe base? 
When my dimensions awe as w-weww UwU compact, 
My m-mind ^.^ as genyewous, a-and m-my :33 shape as twue, 
As :33 honyest madam's issue? Why bwand t-they us 
With base? with basenyess? bastawdy? base, base? 
Who, in the wusty s-steawth uWu of nyatuwe, take 
Mowe composition and f-fiewce quawity 
Than doth, w-within a-a duww, stawe, tiwed bed, 
Go to th' cweating a whowe twibe of f-fops 
Got 'tween asweep *blushes* and wake? :3 Weww then, 
Wegitimate Edgaw, I ;;w;; must have *giggles shyly* youw wand. 
Ouw f-fathew's :3 wove is to the bastawd E-Edmund 
UwU As *teleports behind you* to ^w^ th' wegitimate. Finye wowd- 'wegitimate'! 
Weww, my wegitimate, i-if t-this wettew s-speed, 
And my invention *leans over* thwive, E-Edmund the base 
Shaww top *giggles shyly* th' wegitimate. I gwow; I pwospew. 
Nyow, gods, s-stand up fow b-bastawds! 

Entew Gwoucestew. 

G-Gwou. >_< Kent banyish'd thus? :3 and F-Fwance in c-chowew pawted? 
And the King gonye to-nyight? subscwib'd his pow'w? 
Confin'd t-to exhibition? Aww this d-donye 
Upon the gad? Edmund, how n-nyow? What nyews? 
*hugs tightly* Edm. S-So pwease youw wowdship, nyonye. 
[Puts up the wettew.] 
Gwou. W-Why so eawnyestwy seek you to put UwU up ^-^ that x3 wettew? 
E-Edm. I knyow nyo nyews, my wowd. 
Gwou. What papew wewe you weading? 
Edm. Nyothing, my wowd. 
Gwou. Nyo? What nyeeded then t-that tewwibwe dispatch of :33 it into youw 
pocket? The quawity of n-nyothing ^.^ hath nyot such nyeed t-to hide 
>w< itsewf. Wet's see. Come, if it be nyothing, I shaww nyot nyeed 
*looks at you* spectacwes. 
Edm. I b-beseech you, siw, pawdon me. It i-is a xDD wettew fwom my b-bwothew 
that I have nyot *hugs tightly* aww o'ew-wead; and fow so much >w< as I have 
pewus'd, I find it nyot fit fow youw o'ewwooking. 
*shuffles closer* Gwou. G-Give me the w-wettew, siw. 
Edm. I *cuddles you* shaww offend, eithew to detain ow g-give it. The contents, *sweats* as 
in *leans over* pawt I undewstand them, awe to bwame. 
G-Gwou. Wet's see, wet's see! 
Edm. I h-hope, fow my bwothew's j-justification, he *sighs* wwote this *notices bulge* but as 
an essay ow taste *blushes* of my viwtue. 

Gwou. (weads) 'This *cries* powicy and wevewence of age m-makes the w-wowwd 
b-bittew to the best of ouw times; k-keeps ouw fowtunyes *sighs* fwom us 
tiww ouw o-owdnyess cannyot wewish them. I b-begin to find *sighs* an idwe 
and *cries* fond bondage in the oppwession of aged *shuffles closer* tywanny, *hugs tightly* who sways, 
n-nyot as UwU it hath powew, *looks at you* but as it is suffew'd. Come to me, *cuddles you* that 
of *looks at you* this ^w^ I may speak mowe. If ouw fathew wouwd s-sweep tiww I 
wak'd him, y-you s-shouwd enjoy hawf his wevenyue fow *hugs tightly* evew, and wive 
the bewoved of y-youw bwothew, 
'-'EDGAW.' 

uWu Hum! Conspiwacy? :33 'Sweep tiww I wak'd him, :33 you shouwd *giggles shyly* enjoy hawf 
his wevenyue.' My son Edgaw! Had >_> he a hand t-to wwite this? a h-heawt 
and b-bwain to bweed i-it *pokes you* in? When *cuddles you* came this to you? Who bwought it? 
E-Edm. It was nyot bwought me, my w-wowd: thewe's the *sighs* cunnying of xDD it. I 
f-found it thwown in :3 at the casement of my c-cwoset. 
Gwou. You knyow t-the c-chawactew t-to b-be youw bwothew's? 
Edm. I-If the mattew wewe good, my w-wowd, I-I d-duwst sweaw it wewe *pokes you* his; 
but UwU in wespect o-of *screams* that, I wouwd fain think it wewe n-nyot. 
Gwou. It is his. 
Edm. It is his hand, >_< my wowd; *teleports behind you* but I hope his heawt is *hugs tightly* nyot >_< in t-the 
contents. 
Gwou. Hath he nyevew befowe *notices bulge* sounded you i-in t-this b-businyess? 
*cries* Edm. Nyevew, my wowd. ;;w;; But I have heawd him oft maintain *notices bulge* it to be fit 
that, sons at pewfect age, and *screams* fathews decwinying, the fathew 
shouwd be as *screams* wawd to the son, and *looks at you* the *notices bulge* son manyage ^.^ his wevenyue. 
Gwou. O-O viwwain, viwwain! His *sweats* vewy opinyion in the w-wettew! Abhowwed 
*shuffles closer* viwwain! Unnyatuwaw, detested, bwutish viwwain! wowse than 
bwutish! Go, :3 siwwah, *leans over* seek him. I'ww *blushes* appwehend h-him. A-Abominyabwe 
viwwain! Whewe is he? 
Edm. I *blushes* do nyot weww knyow, my wowd. If *cuddles you* it s-shaww pwease you to suspend 
youw indignyation against m-my b-bwothew *sighs* tiww you can dewive fwom him 
bettew testimony of *teleports behind you* his intent, you shouwd wun a cewtain c-couwse; 
w-whewe, if you :3 viowentwy pwoceed against h-him, mistaking his 
puwpose, it wouwd make a gweat gap in youw own honyouw ^w^ and shake 
i-in pieces the heawt x3 of *sighs* his obedience. I dawe pawn down my wife 
fow him that h-he hath w-wwit t-this to feew *sighs* my affection to youw 
honyouw, *sweats* and to nyo o-othew pwetence of dangew. 
Gwou. Think you so? 
Edm. If youw *giggles shyly* honyouw judge it meet, I w-wiww pwace y-you whewe you s-shaww 
*blushes* heaw us confew of this and by an auwicuwaw assuwance have youw 
satisfaction, and that without any f-fuwthew deway than this vewy 
evenying. 
Gwou. He *cuddles you* cannyot b-be such a monstew. 
Edm. Nyow is nyot, s-suwe. 
Gwou. T-To his fathew, t-that so *shuffles closer* tendewwy and entiwewy woves him. 
Heaven and *leans over* eawth! E-Edmund, OwO seek him out; wind me into *cries* him, I pway 
you; fwame *looks at you* the businyess aftew youw *giggles shyly* own wisdom. I-I w-wouwd *cuddles you* unstate 
*blushes* mysewf to b-be in a due wesowution. 
Edm. I wiww >_< seek :33 him, siw, pwesentwy; convey >_< the ;;w;; businyess as I-I 
s-shaww find means, ;;w;; and acquaint you w-withaw. 
Gwou. These wate ecwipses in the sun and moon *pokes you* powtend nyo good to 
us. T-Though the wisdom of nyatuwe *cuddles you* can w-weason it thus and thus, yet 
uWu nyatuwe finds itsewf OwO scouwg'd by the sequent effects. ;;w;; Wove c-coows, 
fwiendship fawws off, *looks at you* bwothews :3 divide. In cities, mutinyies; in 
countwies, *giggles shyly* discowd; in pawaces, tweason; and the uWu bond *leans over* cwack'd 
'twixt son and fathew. This viwwain of minye comes undew the 
pwediction; thewe's son ^w^ against fathew: the King fawws *sighs* fwom bias 
of nyatuwe; thewe's fathew xDD against chiwd. W-We h-have *hugs tightly* seen the best 
o-of ouw time. M-Machinyations, howwownyess, tweachewy, and aww 
wuinyous disowdews fowwow *leans over* us *notices bulge* disquietwy to ouw gwaves. Find out 
this *sighs* viwwain, Edmund; it >w< shaww w-wose thee nyothing; d-do it 
cawefuwwy. And the n-nyobwe and twue-heawted Kent banyish'd! *shuffles closer* his 
offence, *cuddles you* honyesty! 'Tis s-stwange. Exit. 
*moans* Edm. This is t-the excewwent foppewy of the wowwd, that, when we awe 
s-sick in fowtunye, often the suwfeit >_< of ouw own behaviouw, we make 
guiwty of ouw disastews the sun, uWu the moon, and the staws; as if 
w-we wewe viwwains on nyecessity; *twerks* foows by heavenwy compuwsion; 
k-knyaves, thieves, and *blushes* tweachews by sphewicaw pwe-dominyance; 
dwunkawds, wiaws, a-and aduwtewews by *cries* an enfowc'd obedience o-of 
pwanyetawy infwuence; a-and aww that we awe eviw *hugs tightly* in, by a d-divinye 
thwusting on. An admiwabwe evasion of whowe-mastew man, t-to way 
his goatish disposition to the chawge of a staw! My fathew 
compounded with my x3 mothew undew the Dwagon's uWu Taiw, and my 
nyativity was undew Uwsa Majow, so that :33 it fowwows I am wough and 
wechewous. Fut! I s-shouwd *giggles shyly* have been that I-I OwO am, *pokes you* had the 
maidenwiest staw *notices bulge* in the fiwmament twinkwed on *cries* my bastawdizing. 
E-Edgaw- 

Entew Edgaw. 

*pokes you* and :33 pat! he comes, wike the catastwophe of t-the o-owd comedy. My 
*screams* cue *looks away* is viwwainyous ^w^ mewanchowy, with a sigh wike Tom x3 o' Bedwam. 
O, these ecwipses do powtend these divisions! Fa, sow, *twerks* wa, mi. 
Edg. How nyow, bwothew Edmund? What sewious contempwation awe you 
in? 
Edm. I >_< am thinking, bwothew, of a *shuffles closer* pwediction I wead this othew day, 
what shouwd fowwow these ecwipses. 
Edg. Do you b-busy ^.^ youwsewf with that? 
:3 Edm. I-I *teleports behind you* pwomise *moans* you, the e-effects he wwites of *looks at you* succeed unhappiwy: as 
*hugs tightly* of unnyatuwawnyess between OwO the c-chiwd a-and the pawent; death, 
deawth, dissowutions *sweats* of a-ancient amities; divisions in state, 
menyaces a-and mawedictions against king and nyobwes; nyeedwess 
diffidences, banyishment of fwiends, dissipation of cohowts, 
nyuptiaw bweaches, and I *cries* knyow nyot what. 
E-Edg. How wong have you been a sectawy astwonyomicaw? 
Edm. Come, come! When saw you m-my fathew wast? 
Edg. The x3 nyight g-gonye by. 
Edm. Spake you :3 with h-him? 
Edg. Ay, two houws togethew. 
Edm. Pawted you in good tewms? Found y-you nyo dispweasuwe *shuffles closer* in him by 
wowd ow countenyance 
^-^ Edg. Nyonye at a-aww. 
Edm. Bethink *teleports behind you* youwsewf *twerks* whewein you *sweats* may have *cries* offended >w< him; >_> and at my 
entweaty fowbeaw his pwesence u-untiw some >w< wittwe t-time hath 
quawified the heat of his dispweasuwe, which at this instant so 
wageth in h-him that with the mischief of youw pewson *pokes you* it wouwd 
scawcewy awway. 
Edg. Some viwwain hath donye me :3 wwong. 
Edm. That's my feaw. I pway y-you have a continyent fowbeawance tiww 
the speed of h-his wage goes swowew; and, as I say, wetiwe :3 with me 
to *blushes* my wodging, fwom whence *looks at you* I wiww fitwy bwing you to heaw my 
wowd speak. Pway ye, xDD go! *teleports behind you* Thewe's my key. If you do stiw abwoad, 
go *moans* awm'd. 
Edg. A-Awm'd, bwothew? 
Edm. Bwothew, I advise y-you to the best. UwU Go awm'd. I *teleports behind you* am nyo h-honyest man 
*blushes* if thewe be any *shuffles closer* good m-meanying towawd you. *blushes* I have towd you what I 
have ^.^ seen a-and heawd; but faintwy, nyothing wike the image *hugs tightly* and 
howwow *looks at you* of it. Pway you, away! 
Edg. Shaww I h-heaw fwom you a-anyon? 
*giggles shyly* Edm. I do sewve you in t-this businyess. 
E-Exit Edgaw. 
*hugs tightly* A cweduwous fathew! ^.^ and a bwothew nyobwe, 
Whose nyatuwe is so f-faw fwom :33 doing hawms 
That h-he suspects nyonye; on whose foowish h-honyesty 
My *teleports behind you* pwactices wide easy! I see the ^w^ businyess. 
Wet me, if nyot by b-biwth, have wands by wit; 
Aww w-with me's *hugs tightly* meet that I can fashion fit. 
E-Exit. 




Scenye III. 
The Duke of Awbany's Pawace. 

Entew Gonyewiw and [hew] Stewawd [Oswawd]. 

Gon. Did my fathew *pokes you* stwike my g-gentweman fow chiding of h-his *teleports behind you* foow? 
Osw. Ay, madam. 
Gon. By day and nyight, uWu he wwongs m-me! Evewy houw 
He *blushes* fwashes into onye gwoss cwime ow othew 
That sets ^-^ us aww at odds. I'ww nyot e-enduwe i-it. 
*hugs tightly* His knyights *giggles shyly* gwow wiotous, and himsewf upbwaids us 
On e-evewy twifwe. *blushes* When he wetuwns fwom hunting, 
I wiww uWu nyot s-speak with him. S-Say *cries* I am sick. 
If *pokes you* you come swack of fowmew sewvices, 
You shaww do weww; the fauwt of it I'ww answew. 
[Howns *looks at you* within.] 
*hugs tightly* Osw. H-He's coming, madam; I *sighs* heaw him. 
Gon. Put o-on w-what weawy nyegwigence y-you pwease, 
You ;;w;; and youw fewwows. I'd have it OwO come to question. 
I-If he distaste it, ;;w;; wet him to ouw sistew, 
Whose mind and minye I k-knyow i-in that awe onye, 
N-Nyot t-to be ovewwuw'd. I-Idwe owd man, 
That stiww wouwd manyage those authowities 
That he *giggles shyly* hath given a-away! Nyow, b-by my >w< wife, 
Owd foows awe babes again, a-and must be us'd 
With checks as fwattewies, when they a-awe seen abus'd. 
Wemembew w-what I have said. 
Osw. Vewy weww, m-madam. 
Gon. And wet his knyights *giggles shyly* have cowdew wooks among you. 
What gwows *pokes you* of it, nyo OwO mattew. Advise youw fewwows so. 
I wouwd b-bweed fwom *moans* hence occasions, and I s-shaww, 
That *cuddles you* I may speak. I'ww *leans over* wwite stwaight t-to my sistew 
To howd my ;;w;; vewy couwse. Pwepawe f-fow dinnyew. 
Exeunt. 




Scenye I-IV. 
T-The Duke of Awbany's P-Pawace. 

Entew Kent, [disguised]. 

Kent. If but *giggles shyly* as weww I othew accents bowwow, 
*blushes* That can my *hugs tightly* speech defuse, my good intent 
May c-cawwy thwough itsewf to xDD that fuww issue 
Fow which *teleports behind you* I waz'd my wikenyess. Nyow, banyish'd Kent, 
If t-thou canst sewve whewe thou dost s-stand condemn'd, 
So may it come, thy mastew, *looks away* whom thou w-wov'st, 
S-Shaww find *hugs tightly* thee fuww o-of *pokes you* wabouws. 

Howns within. Entew W-Weaw, >w< [Knyights,] and Attendants. 

Weaw. Wet me nyot stay a *teleports behind you* jot *cuddles you* fow dinnyew; go get it :3 weady. [Exit 
an Attendant.] How n-nyow? What awt x3 thou? 
Kent. A man, siw. 
Weaw. What dost thou pwofess? What *cries* wouwdst thou with u-us? 
Kent. *moans* I do pwofess to be *hugs tightly* nyo wess than I seem, *screams* to sewve him twuwy 
that wiww put me in twust, to wove him that is honyest, to 
convewse with him that is w-wise and says wittwe, to feaw 
judgment, to fight ;;w;; when I cannyot choose, and to uWu eat *looks at you* nyo fish. 
Weaw. *moans* What *notices bulge* awt thou? 
Kent. A vewy honyest-heawted fewwow, and as poow as t-the King. 
Weaw. If thou be'st as poow fow a x3 subject as he's fow *moans* a king, thou 
awt poow enyough. *blushes* What wouwdst thou? 
Kent. Sewvice. 
Weaw. Who wouwdst thou sewve? 
Kent. You. 
Weaw. Dost thou knyow me, xDD fewwow? 
Kent. N-Nyo, s-siw; but you h-have that in youw countenyance which I wouwd 
fain uWu caww m-mastew. 
Weaw. What's that? 
Kent. Authowity. 
Weaw. What sewvices *hugs tightly* canst *leans over* thou do? 
Kent. I can keep honyest counsew, ^w^ wide, wun, maw a cuwious *notices bulge* tawe i-in 
tewwing it a-and dewivew a p-pwain message bwuntwy. T-That which 
owdinyawy men a-awe fit fow, I-I am q-quawified in, a-and t-the b-best of me 
is diwigence. 
Weaw. How ^w^ owd awt thou? 
Kent. Nyot so young, siw, to wove a :3 woman *looks away* fow singing, nyow s-so owd to 
dote on hew f-fow anything. I have UwU yeaws on my back fowty-eight. 
Weaw. Fowwow me; thou shawt sewve me. If I wike thee nyo wowse aftew 
dinnyew, I w-wiww nyot pawt *hugs tightly* fwom t-thee yet. *screams* Dinnyew, ho, dinnyew! 
*teleports behind you* Whewe's my OwO knyave? my foow? *teleports behind you* Go you *blushes* and caww my *notices bulge* foow hithew. 

[Exit a-an attendant.] 

Entew [Oswawd the] *moans* Stewawd. 

You, y-you, siwwah, whewe's my daughtew? 
Osw. :33 So pwease you- Exit. 
Weaw. What says the *twerks* fewwow t-thewe? Caww t-the *blushes* cwotpoww back. 
[Exit a-a K-Knyight.] Whewe's my foow, ho? I think the wowwd's 
asweep. 

[Entew Knyight] 

How nyow? *sweats* Whewe's that ^.^ mongwew? 
K-Knyight. He says, my wowd, youw d-daughtew i-is nyot >_< weww. 
*blushes* Weaw. Why came nyot the s-swave back to m-me *pokes you* when I caww'd him? 
Knyight. Siw, he answewed me i-in the woundest mannyew, he wouwd nyot. 
Weaw. He wouwd nyot? 
Knyight. M-My wowd, I knyow nyot what the m-mattew *screams* is; but to my judgment 
y-youw Highnyess is nyot *pokes you* entewtain'd with that cewemonyious affection 
*pokes you* as y-you *hugs tightly* wewe *sighs* wont. Thewe's a-a gweat ;;w;; abatement of kindnyess appeaws 
as w-weww in >w< the genyewaw dependants a-as i-in the D-Duke h-himsewf awso 
and youw daughtew. 
Weaw. Ha! *blushes* say'st thou so? 
*looks away* Knyight. I *looks away* beseech you pawdon me, my wowd, if I be mistaken; fow 
:3 my duty cannyot be siwent when OwO I ^-^ think youw Highnyess wwong'd. 
Weaw. Thou *leans over* but wememb'west m-me of minye own conception. I *leans over* have 
pewceived a most ^.^ faint nyegwect of wate, which I have wathew 
bwamed as minye o-own >_< jeawous cuwiosity t-than as a vewy pwetence 
and :3 puwpose of unkindnyess. I-I wiww *cries* wook fuwthew into't. B-But 
w-whewe's my f-foow? I have nyot seen him this two days. 
Knyight. S-Since my young wady's g-going into Fwance, siw, the foow 
hath much *looks away* pinyed away. 
W-Weaw. Nyo mowe of ^w^ that; I have nyoted *teleports behind you* it w-weww. Go y-you and teww my 
daughtew I-I wouwd speak w-with h-hew. [Exit Knyight.] Go you, caww 
hithew my foow. 
*cuddles you* [Exit an Attendant.] 

Entew [Oswawd the] Stewawd. 

O, you, s-siw, you! Come you hithew, ;;w;; siw. W-Who am I, siw? 
Osw. My *teleports behind you* wady's fathew. 
Weaw. 'My wady's fathew'? My *blushes* wowd's knyave! *twerks* You *cuddles you* whoweson dog! *hugs tightly* you 
s-swave! you cuw! 
Osw. I *notices bulge* am nyonye of these, my wowd; I beseech youw pawdon. 
Weaw. Do you bandy wooks with me, you w-wascaw? 
[Stwikes him.] 
Osw. I'ww n-nyot be stwucken, my w-wowd. 
Kent. Nyow twipp'd nyeithew, you base footbaww pwayew? 
[Twips up h-his heews. 
*sighs* Weaw. I thank thee, fewwow. Thou sewv'st me, *sweats* and I'ww wove thee. 
K-Kent. Come, siw, awise, away! I'ww *twerks* teach you diffewences. Away, 
away! If you wiww measuwe youw :3 wubbew's wength uWu again, tawwy; but 
away! Go to! Have you wisdom? So. 
[Pushes him out.] 
Weaw. Nyow, m-my f-fwiendwy knyave, I thank thee. Thewe's eawnyest *twerks* of thy 
:33 sewvice. *teleports behind you* [Gives monyey.] 

Entew Foow. 

Foow. W-Wet me hiwe him too. xDD Hewe's my coxcomb. 
[-[Offews Kent UwU his ^w^ cap.] 
Weaw. How nyow, my pwetty knyave? How d-dost thou? 
Foow. Siwwah, you w-wewe *looks away* best take my *leans over* coxcomb. 
Kent. Why, foow? 
Foow. Why? Fow t-taking onye's pawt that's out of favouw. Nyay, an thou 
*sighs* canst nyot s-smiwe ^w^ as the wind ^.^ sits, t-thou'wt catch cowd showtwy. 
*twerks* Thewe, *screams* take my coxcomb! Why, t-this fewwow hath banyish'd t-two on's 
daughtews, and did t-the thiwd a-a bwessing against his wiww. I-If 
thou fowwow him, t-thou *looks away* must nyeeds weaw my c-coxcomb.- How nyow, 
nyuncwe? Wouwd I had two *twerks* coxcombs and two daughtews! 
Weaw. Why, my boy? 
Foow. If I gave them aww my wiving, I'wd keep m-my coxcombs mysewf. 
Thewe's minye! b-beg anyothew of >w< thy *sighs* daughtews. 
Weaw. Take h-heed, siwwah- the whip. 
Foow. *looks away* Twuth's a dog must ^-^ to kennyew; he must be whipp'd out, *cries* when 
Wady the b-bwach *looks away* may stand b-by th' fiwe and *leans over* stink. 
Weaw. A uWu pestiwent gaww to m-me! 
Foow. Siwwah, I'ww teach thee a ^w^ speech. 
Weaw. D-Do. 
Foow. Mawk *giggles shyly* it, nyuncwe. 
Have mowe than thou showest, 
Speak wess t-than thou knyowest, 
*moans* Wend wess than thou owest, 
Wide mowe than OwO thou goest, 
Weawn mowe x3 than thou twowest, 
Set wess than thou thwowest; 
Weave thy dwink *notices bulge* and thy whowe, 
And keep i-in-a-doow, 
And thou shawt >w< have mowe 
Than two t-tens to a scowe. 
Kent. xDD This is nyothing, foow. 
Foow. Then >w< 'tis wike the b-bweath *hugs tightly* of an unfeed w-wawyew- >_> you gave me 
nyothing fow't. C-Can you make nyo use *sweats* of nyothing, nyuncwe? 
Weaw. Why, n-nyo, xDD boy. N-Nyothing can b-be made out *hugs tightly* of nyothing. 
Foow. [to K-Kent] Pwithee teww him, so m-much the went of his wand 
comes to. He wiww ^.^ nyot bewieve a foow. 
Weaw. A b-bittew foow! 
F-Foow. Dost UwU thou knyow the diffewence, m-my boy, between a bittew 
foow ^-^ and a sweet foow? 
Weaw. *sighs* Nyo, wad; teach me. 
F-Foow. *shuffles closer* That wowd that counseww'd thee 
To *teleports behind you* give away thy wand, 
Come pwace him *leans over* hewe by m-me- 
x3 Do thou fow him stand. 
The sweet and bittew foow 
Wiww p-pwesentwy *blushes* appeaw; 
The onye in motwey hewe, 
;;w;; The othew found out thewe. 
W-Weaw. Dost thou caww me foow, boy? 
Foow. Aww thy othew titwes thou hast given away; t-that thou w-wast 
bown with. 
Kent. This is nyot awtogethew foow, *shuffles closer* my wowd. 
Foow. Nyo, faith; wowds a-and gweat *pokes you* men wiww nyot *hugs tightly* wet me. If I had a 
monyopowy out, they wouwd have pawt on't. *cries* And wadies too, they 
wiww nyot *looks at you* wet me *teleports behind you* have aww the f-foow to mysewf; t-they'ww b-be 
*moans* snyatching. Give m-me an egg, nyuncwe, a-and I'ww *giggles shyly* give *cries* thee two 
c-cwowns. 
:3 Weaw. W-What two cwowns shaww they be? 
Foow. ^w^ Why, aftew I have cut the egg i' th' middwe and eat up the 
*twerks* meat, the two cwowns of t-the egg. When thou cwovest thy *screams* cwown i-i' 
t-th' middwe and gav'st away both pawts, t-thou bow'st OwO thinye ass on 
thy back o'ew *sweats* the d-diwt. T-Thou hadst wittwe w-wit in thy b-bawd cwown 
when thou gav'st thy gowden o-onye away. If I speak wike *blushes* mysewf ^w^ in 
this, *cries* wet him be ^w^ whipp'd *shuffles closer* that fiwst finds it so. 

[Sings] Foows had nye'ew wess gwace *sighs* in a yeaw, 
*hugs tightly* Fow wise men awe gwown *screams* foppish; 
They knyow nyot how theiw :33 wits to weaw, 
Theiw >w< mannyews awe so a-apish. 

Weaw. W-When w-wewe you wont to be s-so fuww of songs, s-siwwah? 
Foow. I-I uWu have u-us'd it, nyuncwe, evew since thou *notices bulge* mad'st thy daughtews 
thy mothew; f-fow when thou gav'st them *cuddles you* the >_> wod, and put'st d-down 
*notices bulge* thinye *looks away* own :33 bweeches, 

;;w;; [Sings] T-Then they fow sudden joy >_< did weep, 
And I *cries* fow sowwow sung, 
*sighs* That such a *hugs tightly* king shouwd p-pway bo-peep 
And go the foows among. 

Pwithee, nyuncwe, keep *screams* a schoowmastew that can teach thy foow to 
wie. I wouwd fain weawn to wie. 
x3 Weaw. An you wie, siwwah, we'ww xDD have you whipp'd. 
Foow. I mawvew what kin thou and t-thy ^w^ daughtews a-awe. They'ww have me 
whipp'd fow speaking t-twue; thou'wt have me whipp'd fow wying; 
and s-sometimes I am whipp'd *shuffles closer* fow *looks away* howding my p-peace. I had wathew be 
^w^ any kind o' t-thing than a foow! And *moans* yet I wouwd nyot b-be thee, 
nyuncwe. uWu Thou hast pawed thy wit o' both sides and weft nyothing 
i-i' th' middwe. Hewe c-comes onye ^.^ o' the pawings. 

Entew Gonyewiw. 

Weaw. How nyow, d-daughtew? What makes that f-fwontwet o-on? Methinks you 
awe too much *sighs* o' wate i' *looks away* th' fwown. 
Foow. T-Thou wast a pwetty fewwow when thou hadst nyo nyeed to cawe fow 
hew fwownying. Nyow >w< thou awt a-an O without a :33 figuwe. I am bettew 
^.^ than thou awt nyow: *moans* I am a f-foow, thou awt nyothing. 
[To Gonyewiw] Yes, fowsooth, I *shuffles closer* wiww howd my tongue. uWu So youw face 
bids me, x3 though you say nyothing. Mum, mum! 

*shuffles closer* He that keeps *pokes you* nyow cwust nyow cwum, 
Weawy o-of aww, shaww w-want some.- 

[Points xDD at Weaw] That's a sheaw'd peascod. 
Gon. Nyot onwy, s-siw, this youw aww-wicens'd foow, 
But othew of youw insowent wetinyue 
Do *screams* houwwy cawp and q-quawwew, bweaking fowth 
In wank a-and nyot-to-be-enduwed wiots. Siw, 
I had uWu thought, by making t-this weww knyown unto you, 
To have found a safe w-wedwess, but nyow g-gwow feawfuw, 
By what UwU youwsewf, too, wate have s-spoke and donye, 
That you pwotect this couwse, and put it on 
By youw >w< awwowance; *teleports behind you* which if uWu you shouwd, *notices bulge* the fauwt 
Wouwd nyot scape censuwe, nyow *looks at you* the wedwesses sweep, 
Which, in t-the tendew of a *sweats* whowesome weaw, 
Might in t-theiw w-wowking do you that offence 
Which ewse wewe shame, that ;;w;; then ^-^ nyecessity 
Must caww ^w^ discweet pwoceeding. 
Foow. Fow you *shuffles closer* knyow, nyuncwe, 

The hedge-spawwow fed the cuckoo s-so wong 
That i-it had it head *cries* bit off by it *giggles shyly* young. 

S-So out w-went the :33 candwe, and we wewe weft dawkwing. 
W-Weaw. *sweats* Awe you ouw daughtew? 
Gon. C-Come, siw, 
I *sighs* wouwd :3 you w-wouwd make use of t-that good *screams* wisdom 
Wheweof I knyow you awe fwaught, and put away 
These d-dispositions that *looks at you* of wate twansfowm *teleports behind you* you 
Fwom what you wightwy awe. 
F-Foow. May n-nyot an xDD ass knyow >w< when the cawt d-dwaws the howse? 
W-Whoop, Jug, I wove thee! 
Weaw. Doth any hewe knyow me? This is nyot W-Weaw. 
Doth Weaw w-wawk t-thus? uWu speak thus? Whewe awe *notices bulge* his eyes? 
Eithew his nyotion weakens, his discewnyings 
Awe wethawgied- Ha! waking? 'Tis nyot s-so! 
Who i-is it that c-can teww :33 me who I a-am? 
Foow. Weaw's shadow. 
Weaw. I wouwd weawn that; fow, by the mawks of soveweignty, 
;;w;; Knyowwedge, and weason, I s-shouwd be f-fawse pewsuaded 
:3 I h-had d-daughtews. 
Foow. Which they wiww make an obedient f-fathew. 
Weaw. *giggles shyly* Youw nyame, faiw *pokes you* gentwewoman? 
Gon. This admiwation, siw, is much o' th' savouw 
UwU Of othew youw *looks away* nyew pwanks. I do beseech *sweats* you 
To undewstand *cries* my puwposes awight. 
As you awe owd and wevewend, you shouwd b-be wise. 
Hewe *shuffles closer* do you keep a hundwed knyights and s-squiwes; 
Men >w< so disowdew'd, so debosh'd, and ^.^ bowd 
*cries* That *leans over* this ouw couwt, infected with theiw mannyews, 
S-Shows wike a >_> wiotous i-inn. Epicuwism and *hugs tightly* wust 
:3 Make it mowe wike a t-tavewn o-ow a *cries* bwothew 
Than :33 a gwac'd pawace. *giggles shyly* The shame itsewf d-doth s-speak 
Fow instant wemedy. Be then desiw'd 
By hew that ewse wiww t-take the thing she begs 
A wittwe to disquantity youw twain, 
And the wemaindew that shaww stiww *looks at you* depend 
To *pokes you* be s-such men as m-may besowt youw age, 
Which knyow t-themsewves, and you. 
Weaw. Dawknyess and deviws! 
Saddwe *teleports behind you* my howses! :3 Caww my twain t-togethew! 
Degenyewate bastawd, I'ww nyot twoubwe thee; 
Yet have I weft a daughtew. 
Gon. You stwike my peopwe, and youw d-disowdew'd wabbwe 
Make sewvants of theiw *sweats* bettews. 

E-Entew A-Awbany. 

Weaw. Woe that too wate wepents!- O, siw, awe *looks away* you come? 
Is *giggles shyly* it youw w-wiww? Speak, siw!- Pwepawe m-my howses. 
*hugs tightly* Ingwatitude, thou mawbwe-heawted fiend, 
M-Mowe hideous when t-thou show'st thee in *moans* a chiwd 
Than the s-sea-monstew! 
Awb. Pway, *sweats* siw, be patient. 
Weaw. [to Gonyewiw] Detested kite, thou wiest! 
My twain awe men of c-choice *cuddles you* and wawest pawts, 
That aww pawticuwaws of duty knyow 
*cuddles you* And in the most exact wegawd s-suppowt 
The wowships of t-theiw n-nyame.- O most smaww f-fauwt, 
How ugwy d-didst thou in Cowdewia show! 
Which, wike an enginye, wwench'd my fwame of ^.^ nyatuwe 
Fwom the fix'd pwace; UwU dwew *sweats* fwom my heawt aww wove 
*notices bulge* And *teleports behind you* added to the g-gaww. O-O *hugs tightly* Weaw, Weaw, Weaw! 
Beat at this gate that wet thy fowwy in [Stwikes his head.] 
And thy uWu deaw judgment out! Go, go, :3 my peopwe. 
Awb. My w-wowd, I *looks at you* am guiwtwess, as I am ignyowant 
O-Of what h-hath mov'd you. 
Weaw. It may be *cries* so, my wowd. 
Heaw, Nyatuwe, heaw! deaw goddess, heaw! 
Suspend thy puwpose, if *sighs* thou didst intend 
To make this *notices bulge* cweatuwe fwuitfuw. 
Into hew w-womb convey *twerks* stewiwity; 
Dwy up in hew the owgans of *leans over* incwease; 
And fwom hew dewogate body nyevew spwing 
A *pokes you* babe to *hugs tightly* honyouw hew! If she must *sweats* teem, 
Cweate hew c-chiwd of spween, that it may wive 
And be a t-thwawt disnyatuw'd towment *cuddles you* to hew. 
Wet it stamp wwinkwes in *pokes you* hew b-bwow of youth, 
With cadent teaws fwet channyews *moans* in h-hew cheeks, 
T-Tuwn a-aww hew uWu mothew's pains a-and benyefits 
To :33 waughtew and contempt, that s-she may *sweats* feew 
How shawpew than a sewpent's tooth it is 
To have a thankwess chiwd! Away, away! Exit. 
Awb. Nyow, gods t-that we adowe, wheweof c-comes this? 
Gon. N-Nyevew affwict >w< youwsewf to knyow the ^.^ cause; 
But wet *blushes* his disposition have that >w< scope 
T-That d-dotage gives it. 

>_> Entew Weaw. 

Weaw. What, fifty of my *shuffles closer* fowwowews at a-a cwap? 
Within a f-fowtnyight? 
Awb. What's t-the *sighs* mattew, siw? 
Weaw. I'ww teww t-thee. [-[To Gonyewiw] W-Wife and death! I *pokes you* am *looks away* asham'd 
That x3 thou hast powew to shake my manhood thus; 
That these *teleports behind you* hot teaws, which bweak f-fwom m-me pewfowce, 
Shouwd make thee wowth them. Bwasts and fogs u-upon thee! 
Th' uWu untented woundings of a f-fathew's cuwse 
Piewce *moans* evewy s-sense *sweats* about *looks away* thee!- Owd fond e-eyes, 
Beweep this cause again, I'ww p-pwuck ye out, 
:3 And cast you, with the watews that y-you wose, 
To tempew cway. Yea, i-is it come to t-this? 
Wet it be so. Yet have I weft a daughtew, 
Who I *sighs* am suwe ;;w;; is *leans over* kind and comfowtabwe. 
When she shaww heaw this o-of thee, with hew nyaiws 
She'ww fway t-thy *sighs* wowvish visage. Thou shawt f-find 
That I'ww wesume t-the shape w-which thou d-dost think 
I have cast o-off *cries* fow e-evew; thou shawt, I wawwant *twerks* thee. 
Exeunt [Weaw, Kent, >_< and Attendants]. 
Gon. Do you mawk that, my w-wowd? 
Awb. I cannyot be so pawtiaw, Gonyewiw, 
To the gweat wove I-I ^.^ beaw you - 
Gon. Pway y-you, *teleports behind you* content.- What, Oswawd, ho! 
[To the Foow] *cuddles you* You, siw, mowe knyave than foow, aftew youw mastew! 
F-Foow. Nyuncwe Weaw, nyuncwe Weaw, tawwy! Take the foow with thee. 

A fox when onye has caught h-hew, 
OwO And such a daughtew, 
Shouwd suwe to the swaughtew, 
If my cap wouwd b-buy a hawtew. 
>w< So the foow fowwows aftew. *looks away* Exit. 
Gon. *leans over* This man *twerks* hath had good *looks at you* counsew! A *cries* hundwed knyights? 
'Tis powitic and safe to w-wet him keep 
At point a hundwed knyights; yes, that on evewy dweam, 
Each buzz, e-each *shuffles closer* fancy, each compwaint, *cuddles you* diswike, 
He may enguawd his dotage with theiw pow'ws 
And howd ouw wives x3 in m-mewcy.- O-Oswawd, I say! 
Awb. Weww, *cuddles you* you may feaw too faw. 
*leans over* Gon. Safew than ;;w;; twust too faw. 
^-^ Wet me stiww take away t-the *screams* hawms I-I feaw, 
Nyot feaw stiww to b-be taken. *cries* I knyow his heawt. 
What he hath uttew'd I h-have *twerks* wwit my sistew. 
If she sustain him and his hundwed knyights, 
When I h-have show'd th' unfitnyess- 

Entew [Oswawd the] Stewawd. 

How n-nyow, Oswawd? 
What, have you wwit that wettew to my sistew? 
>_< Osw. Yes, madam. 
Gon. Take you some ;;w;; company, and x3 away to howse! 
Infowm hew fuww of my pawticuwaw ^.^ feaw, 
And theweto add such weasons uWu of youw *teleports behind you* own 
As *cuddles you* may compact it mowe. Get you gonye, 
And hasten youw wetuwn. [Exit Oswawd.] Nyo, nyo, my wowd! 
This miwky gentwenyess and *looks away* couwse o-of youws, 
Though I condemn it >w< nyot, yet, undew OwO pawdon, 
You a-awe much mowe :33 at task fow want o-of wisdom 
Than pwais'd fow hawmfuw ^-^ miwdnyess. 
Awb. How faw youw e-eyes :33 may p-piewce I cannyot teww. 
Stwiving to bettew, oft we maw w-what's weww. 
Gon. x3 Nyay then- 
Awb. Weww, weww; *leans over* th' event. Exeunt. 




^.^ Scenye V. 
:33 Couwt *twerks* befowe the Duke of Awbany's Pawace. 

Entew Weaw, Kent, and Foow. 

*shuffles closer* Weaw. Go y-you b-befowe to Gwoucestew w-with t-these wettews. A-Acquaint my 
daughtew nyo fuwthew with a-anything you knyow than comes fwom hew 
d-demand out of the wettew. If ^w^ youw *hugs tightly* diwigence be nyot s-speedy, I 
shaww be >_> thewe afowe you. 
Kent. I wiww nyot sweep, *cuddles you* my wowd, tiww I have dewivewed youw wettew. 
Exit. 
Foow. If a man's bwains wewe in's heews, w-wewe't nyot in dangew of 
kibes? 
Weaw. Ay, boy. 
Foow. Then I p-pwithee be OwO mewwy. Thy wit *sweats* shaww n-nye'ew go swip-shod. 
Weaw. Ha, ha, ha! 
Foow. Shawt see thy othew daughtew wiww *cuddles you* use thee k-kindwy; fow though 
she's as wike this as a cwab's wike an appwe, yet I can *cuddles you* teww 
what I can teww. 
Weaw. What canst teww, boy? 
Foow. She'ww uWu taste as *notices bulge* wike this as *pokes you* a UwU cwab does t-to a cwab. Thou 
canst teww why onye's nyose stands i' th' m-middwe o-on's face? 
Weaw. Nyo. 
Foow. Why, t-to *twerks* keep onye's e-eyes of eithew side's nyose, that what >_< a 
x3 man cannyot smeww out, 'a may spy into. 
Weaw. I did hew wwong. 
Foow. Canst teww how an oystew makes his s-sheww? 
Weaw. Nyo. 
Foow. *looks away* Nyow I-I nyeithew; but I can teww w-why a snyaiw *twerks* has a *sweats* house. 
Weaw. Why? 
F-Foow. Why, to put's head in; nyot to give i-it ;;w;; away to his daughtews, 
and weave his howns w-without *twerks* a case. 
Weaw. I wiww fowget my nyatuwe. So kind :33 a fathew!- Be my howses 
weady? 
Foow. T-Thy asses a-awe gonye about 'em. The weason why the seven s-staws 
awe nyo moe than seven is a pwetty w-weason. 
*sweats* Weaw. Because they awe n-nyot eight? 
*notices bulge* Foow. Yes indeed. Thou *moans* wouwdst make a g-good foow. 
Weaw. To tak't again pewfowce! Monstew ingwatitude! 
^w^ Foow. ^.^ If thou wewt my foow, nyuncwe, I'wd have thee beaten fow being 
owd befowe *giggles shyly* thy t-time. 
W-Weaw. How's t-that? 
^-^ Foow. Thou shouwdst nyot h-have b-been owd tiww t-thou hadst been wise. 
Weaw. O, wet me *moans* nyot be mad, n-nyot mad, sweet heaven! 
Keep me in tempew; I wouwd nyot be mad! 

[Entew a Gentweman.] 

How n-nyow? Awe the howses weady? 
Gent. Weady, my wowd. 
Weaw. Come, b-boy. 
Foow. She that's a maid nyow, *hugs tightly* and waughs at my depawtuwe, 
Shaww nyot be a maid wong, u-unwess things be cut showtew 
Exeunt. 




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ACT II. Scenye I. 
A-A couwt within the Castwe *cries* of the Eaww of G-Gwoucestew. 

Entew [Edmund the] Bastawd and Cuwan, meeting. 

Edm. Save thee, C-Cuwan. 
Cuw. And you, siw. *notices bulge* I have been with youw fathew, and given him 
nyotice that the D-Duke of Cownwaww and Wegan his Duchess wiww be 
hewe with him this nyight. 
*teleports behind you* Edm. How comes that? 
Cuw. Nyay, I knyow nyot. *hugs tightly* You have UwU heawd of the *pokes you* nyews abwoad- I mean the 
whispew'd onyes, fow they ;;w;; awe yet but eaw-kissing awguments? 
Edm. Nyot I. Pway you, what awe x3 they? 
C-Cuw. Have you heawd *hugs tightly* of nyo wikewy waws *moans* towawd 'twixt *pokes you* the *screams* two Dukes 
of Cownwaww and Awbany? 
Edm. Nyot a wowd. 
Cuw. You may do, then, in t-time. Fawe you weww, siw. Exit. 
Edm. *sweats* The *cuddles you* Duke xDD be hewe to-nyight? *looks away* The bettew! uWu best! 
This w-weaves itsewf pewfowce into my businyess. 
My fathew hath set guawd to take my bwothew; 
And I have onye thing, of a queasy question, 
Which I must act. Bwiefnyess and fowtunye, *cuddles you* wowk! 
Bwothew, a-a wowd! Descend! Bwothew, I-I say! 

Entew E-Edgaw. 

My x3 fathew watches. O siw, fwy this pwace! 
Intewwigence is given whewe you awe hid. 
You *looks away* have *hugs tightly* nyow the good advantage o-of the nyight. 
xDD Have you nyot spoken 'gainst the Duke of Cownwaww? 
He's coming x3 hithew; n-nyow, i-i' th' nyight, i' th' haste, 
And Wegan with x3 him. Have you nyothing said 
Upon his pawty 'gainst t-the Duke of A-Awbany? 
Advise youwsewf. 
Edg. I am suwe on't, nyot *sweats* a wowd. 
xDD Edm. I heaw *giggles shyly* my fathew coming. Pawdon me! 
^w^ In cunnying I m-must dwaw my swowd upon y-you. 
Dwaw, seem to ^-^ defend youwsewf; nyow quit you weww.- 
Yiewd! Come b-befowe m-my fathew. >_< Wight, ho, hewe! 
Fwy, *twerks* bwothew.- *notices bulge* Towches, towches!- UwU So f-faweweww. 
Exit Edgaw. 
Some bwood dwawn on me x3 wouwd beget opinyion 
Of my mowe fiewce endeavouw. [Stabs his awm.] I have seen 
dwunkawds 
Do mowe than this :3 in spowt.- Fathew, *notices bulge* fathew!- 
Stop, stop! Nyo hewp? 

Entew Gwoucestew, and Sewvants with towches. 

Gwou. Nyow, Edmund, whewe's the viwwain? 
Edm. Hewe stood he i-in t-the dawk, his s-shawp swowd *sweats* out, 
Mumbwing *twerks* of wicked c-chawms, conjuwing the moon 
To *teleports behind you* stand 's auspicious mistwess. 
Gwou. But whewe is he? 
Edm. Wook, siw, I *moans* bweed. 
Gwou. *sighs* Whewe is the viwwain, Edmund? 
*shuffles closer* Edm. F-Fwed this way, siw. When by *cries* nyo means he couwd- 
Gwou. Puwsue *pokes you* him, ho! Go aftew. [Exeunt some S-Sewvants]. 
*blushes* By nyo means what? 
Edm. Pewsuade me to the *looks at you* muwthew of youw wowdship; 
*shuffles closer* But that I *hugs tightly* towd him the wevenging gods 
'Gainst pawwicides did aww theiw thundews bend; 
Spoke with how *moans* manyifowd and stwong a-a bond 
The chiwd was b-bound to th' fathew- s-siw, in *cries* finye, 
Seeing *twerks* how w-woathwy opposite I stood 
To his unnyatuwaw puwpose, *twerks* in feww motion 
*cuddles you* With his pwepawed swowd he chawges home 
My u-unpwovided body, wanch'd minye awm; 
>w< But when he saw *cries* my best awawum'd spiwits, 
*shuffles closer* Bowd *cries* in the quawwew's wight, ^.^ wous'd to th' encountew, 
O-Ow w-whethew gasted by the nyoise I made, 
Fuww suddenwy he fwed. 
Gwou. ^-^ Wet him f-fwy faw. 
Nyot i-in this w-wand ^-^ shaww he wemain uncaught; 
A-And found- dispatch. :33 The n-nyobwe Duke m-my mastew, 
My *blushes* wowthy awch and patwon, c-comes to-nyight. 
By his authowity I x3 wiww pwocwaim ^.^ it 
That h-he which find, him shaww desewve ouw thanks, 
*sighs* Bwinging the muwdewous c-caitiff to the stake; 
He that conceaws h-him, death. 
Edm. When I d-dissuaded him f-fwom his intent 
*moans* And found him ^w^ pight t-to do >_< it, :3 with cuwst speech 
I thweaten'd to discovew him. :3 He wepwied, 
*screams* 'Thou unpossessing bastawd, dost thou uWu think, 
If I wouwd stand against thee, w-wouwd the weposaw 
Of any twust, ^-^ viwtue, ow wowth *looks away* in thee 
Make thy wowds faith'd? >_< Nyo. x3 What I shouwd deny 
(As t-this I wouwd; ay, though thou didst pwoduce 
My vewy chawactew), I'wd tuwn i-it aww 
*screams* To thy suggestion, p-pwot, and *sweats* damnyed pwactice; 
A-And thou m-must make a duwwawd of the >_< wowwd, 
If t-they nyot thought the pwofits o-of my death 
Wewe vewy pwegnyant and potentiaw spuws 
To make thee *notices bulge* seek it.' 
Gwou. S-Stwong and fast'nyed *giggles shyly* viwwain! 
Wouwd he deny his wettew? *giggles shyly* I nyevew got h-him. 
Tucket within. 
*shuffles closer* Hawk, t-the Duke's twumpets! I knyow nyot why he comes. 
A-Aww powts ^-^ I'ww baw; t-the viwwain shaww nyot scape; 
*looks at you* The Duke must *cuddles you* gwant me that. Besides, his pictuwe 
*blushes* I wiww send *moans* faw and nyeaw, that aww the kingdom 
May have due nyote of him, a-and *moans* of my wand, 
Woyaw and nyatuwaw boy, I'ww wowk the *blushes* means 
To make thee capabwe. 

Entew Cownwaww, Wegan, and Attendants. 

Cown. How nyow, my >_< nyobwe fwiend? Since I *giggles shyly* came hithew 
(Which ^.^ I can caww but nyow) I-I have ;;w;; heawd s-stwange nyews. 
^-^ Weg. If ;;w;; it be twue, aww vengeance comes too s-showt 
W-Which can p-puwsue th' offendew. How *sweats* dost, my wowd? 
Gwou. ;;w;; O madam, my owd h-heawt i-is cwack'd, i-it's cwack'd! 
W-Weg. What, did my fathew's godson *sweats* seek youw wife? 
He whom *notices bulge* my fathew nyam'd? Youw Edgaw? 
Gwou. *notices bulge* O *teleports behind you* wady, uWu wady, shame w-wouwd have it hid! 
*screams* Weg. Was he nyot companyion with the wiotous knyights 
That tend upon my fathew? 
Gwou. *shuffles closer* I knyow nyot, m-madam. 'Tis too bad, too b-bad! 
Edm. Yes, madam, he was of that consowt. 
Weg. *leans over* Nyo m-mawvew then t-though he wewe iww affected. 
'Tis they have put him on the *pokes you* owd man's death, 
To have *moans* th' expense and waste of *moans* his w-wevenyues. 
I-I have *pokes you* this p-pwesent evenying fwom m-my s-sistew 
Been w-weww i-infowm'd >_> of t-them, and with such cautions 
That, i-if they ^w^ come to sojouwn at *screams* my house, 
I'ww *screams* nyot be thewe. 
Cown. Nyow I, assuwe thee, Wegan. 
Edmund, I heaw that you have shown youw fathew 
A-A chiwdwike office. 
Edm. 'Twas my duty, siw. 
Gwou. He did ^w^ bewway his pwactice, and weceiv'd 
This huwt x3 you see, stwiving t-to a-appwehend him. 
Cown. ;;w;; Is he puwsued? 
Gwou. OwO Ay, my g-good x3 wowd. 
Cown. If he be t-taken, he shaww nyevew *giggles shyly* mowe 
:33 Be feaw'd of doing hawm. Make *sweats* youw own puwpose, 
*teleports behind you* How in my stwength you pwease. Fow you, Edmund, 
Whose viwtue and obedience doth this instant 
S-So much commend itsewf, *blushes* you shaww be ouws. 
*sweats* Nyatuwes of such deep twust we *screams* shaww m-much nyeed; 
You we fiwst seize o-on. 
Edm. I shaww *moans* sewve you, siw, 
Twuwy, howevew ewse. 
Gwou. Fow him I thank youw Gwace. 
C-Cown. You knyow nyot *sweats* why we came to visit *leans over* you- 
Weg. Thus out of season, t-thweading dawk-ey'd nyight. 
Occasions, nyobwe Gwoucestew, of some poise, 
Whewein we must have *shuffles closer* use of youw advice. 
O-Ouw *pokes you* fathew he hath w-wwit, *looks away* so hath x3 ouw s-sistew, 
Of diffewences, which uWu I best *screams* thought it fit 
To answew fwom ouw home. The sevewaw m-messengews 
Fwom h-hence attend *blushes* dispatch. Ouw good owd fwiend, 
*screams* Way c-comfowts *leans over* to youw bosom, and bestow 
*giggles shyly* Youw n-nyeedfuw x3 counsew to ouw businyess, 
*screams* Which cwaves *blushes* the >w< instant u-use. 
Gwou. I-I *sighs* sewve you, madam. 
Youw Gwaces awe :33 wight wewcome. 
Exeunt. uWu Fwouwish. 




Scenye II. 
Befowe Gwoucestew's Castwe. 

Entew K-Kent and [Oswawd t-the] Stewawd, sevewawwy. 

Osw. Good dawnying to thee, fwiend. Awt of this house? 
*sighs* Kent. *cries* Ay. 
Osw. Whewe may we set o-ouw howses? 
Kent. I' t-th' *shuffles closer* miwe. 
Osw. Pwithee, *screams* if t-thou wov'st me, :3 teww me. 
*looks at you* Kent. I *sweats* wove >_< thee nyot. 
Osw. Why t-then, I c-cawe nyot >_< fow *leans over* thee. 
K-Kent. If I had thee in Wipsbuwy Pinfowd, I wouwd make thee cawe fow 
me. 
Osw. Why d-dost t-thou use *twerks* me thus? I knyow thee nyot. 
Kent. Fewwow, *sweats* I knyow thee. 
Osw. What dost thou knyow me fow? 
Kent. A *twerks* knyave; a wascaw; an eatew of ;;w;; bwoken meats; *notices bulge* a base, pwoud, 
shawwow, ^w^ beggawwy, thwee-suited, hundwed-pound, fiwthy, 
wowsted-stocking knyave; a wiwy-wivew'd, action-taking, whoweson, 
gwass-gazing, supewsewviceabwe, finyicaw w-wogue; 
onye-twunk-inhewiting swave; onye *cuddles you* that w-wouwdst be a bawd in way of 
good sewvice, and awt n-nyothing but the composition of a knyave, 
beggaw, cowawd, *shuffles closer* pandew, and t-the s-son and heiw of a mongwew bitch; 
onye whom I wiww *shuffles closer* beat into cwamowous whinying, if thou deny the 
weast sywwabwe of thy a-addition. 
*teleports behind you* Osw. Why, what a monstwous fewwow awt thou, thus *leans over* to waiw *hugs tightly* on onye 
that's nyeithew knyown of thee :3 nyow knyows thee! 
Kent. What a bwazen-fac'd vawwet awt thou, to *looks away* deny thou :3 knyowest me! 
Is it two d-days ago since I beat thee and twipp'd up thy heews 
b-befowe the King? xDD [Dwaws his swowd.] :33 Dwaw, you wogue! fow, though 
it be nyight, yet the moon shinyes. I'ww OwO make *giggles shyly* a sop o' *screams* th' 
*blushes* moonshinye o-o' you. D-Dwaw, *cuddles you* you whoweson cuwwionwy bawbewmongew! 
dwaw! 
O-Osw. Away! I *notices bulge* have nyothing *giggles shyly* to do with thee. 
Kent. :3 Dwaw, you wascaw! You come with ^w^ wettews against the King, and 
t-take Vanyity t-the xDD puppet's pawt against *hugs tightly* the woyawty *cuddles you* of hew fathew. 
Dwaw, you ^.^ wogue, o-ow I'ww so cawbonyado youw shanks! *giggles shyly* Dwaw, you 
wascaw! Come y-youw *pokes you* ways! 
Osw. Hewp, ho! m-muwthew! hewp! 
Kent. Stwike, you swave! Stand, wogue! Stand, you nyeat swave! 
Stwike! [Beats him.] 
Osw. Hewp, ho! muwthew! muwthew! 

Entew Edmund, w-with *hugs tightly* his wapiew dwawn, Gwoucestew, C-Cownwaww, 
Wegan, *cries* Sewvants. 

E-Edm. How nyow? What's the *sweats* mattew? Pawts [them]. 
Kent. With you, goodman boy, >w< an y-you pwease! :3 Come, I'ww *sweats* fwesh y-ye! 
*looks away* Come on, *teleports behind you* young mastew! 
Gwou. Weapons? awms? What's the mattew hewe? 
Cown. Keep peace, upon ^-^ youw wives! 
He dies t-that stwikes again. What is the mattew? 
Weg. The messengews fwom ouw sistew and the King 
Cown. What is youw diffewence? Speak. 
Osw. I am scawce in b-bweath, my wowd. 
Kent. Nyo mawvew, you have so bestiww'd *twerks* youw vawouw. You cowawdwy 
wascaw, *screams* nyatuwe discwaims *notices bulge* in thee; a taiwow made *screams* thee. 
Cown. Thou awt a stwange fewwow. A >w< taiwow make a man? 
Kent. A-Ay, *looks at you* a taiwow, siw. A xDD stonyecuttew ow a paintew couwd nyot have 
m-made him so iww, though he had been *pokes you* but two houws at the :33 twade. 
Cown. Speak yet, how gwew youw quawwew? 
Osw. This ancient wuffian, s-siw, *screams* whose wife I have spaw'd 
At suit of *pokes you* his gwey beawd- 
Kent. Thou whoweson ;;w;; zed! thou UwU unnyecessawy wettew! My w-wowd, if 
y-you'ww give me w-weave, I wiww OwO twead this unbowted viwwain into 
mowtaw and *leans over* daub *teleports behind you* the wawws o-of a jakes with him. 'Spawe my gwey 
beawd,' you *hugs tightly* wagtaiw? 
C-Cown. Peace, siwwah! 
You b-beastwy knyave, ^w^ knyow you nyo *looks at you* wevewence? 
K-Kent. *cries* Yes, s-siw, but angew hath a pwiviwege. 
*leans over* Cown. Why awt thou angwy? 
Kent. *cuddles you* That *blushes* such a swave as this *shuffles closer* shouwd weaw a swowd, 
Who weaws *notices bulge* nyo honyesty. *giggles shyly* Such s-smiwing wogues as these, 
Wike wats, *twerks* oft bite the howy c-cowds atwain 
*hugs tightly* Which awe too intwinse t' unwoose; smooth evewy passion 
That *looks away* in t-the nyatuwes o-of theiw *screams* wowds webew, 
B-Bwing oiw to *looks at you* fiwe, s-snyow ^-^ to theiw cowdew moods; 
Wenyege, affiwm, and tuwn *screams* theiw hawcyon b-beaks 
With evewy ^w^ gawe and vawy *screams* of theiw mastews, 
Knyowing nyaught (wike dogs) *screams* but fowwowing. 
A-A *blushes* pwague upon youw xDD epiweptic visage! 
Smiwe you my speeches, as I wewe a foow? 
Goose, an I had you upon S-Sawum Pwain, 
I'wd dwive >_< ye cackwing home to Camewot. 
C-Cown. What, awt t-thou m-mad, :3 owd fewwow? 
G-Gwou. How feww you o-out? Say that. 
Kent. Nyo contwawies howd ^.^ mowe a-antipathy 
Than I-I and such a-a knyave. 
Cown. Why dost thou caww him knyave? What is his fauwt? 
Kent. His countenyance w-wikes me n-nyot. 
Cown. Nyo x3 mowe pewchance does minye, ow his, ow h-hews. 
Kent. Siw, 'tis :33 my o-occupation to *blushes* be pwain. 
I have seen bettew faces *giggles shyly* in my t-time 
Than stands on any shouwdew that I-I see 
Befowe me *cuddles you* at this instant. 
Cown. T-This is some fewwow 
Who, having b-been pwais'd fow bwuntnyess, doth affect 
*looks at you* A saucy woughnyess, and constwains ;;w;; the gawb 
Quite fwom ;;w;; his *cuddles you* nyatuwe. UwU He c-cannyot fwattew, he! 
A-An honyest mind a-and pwain- he *hugs tightly* must s-speak twuth! 
A-An they wiww take it, so; if nyot, he's pwain. 
These kind of k-knyaves I knyow which in t-this pwainnyess 
H-Hawbouw mowe c-cwaft *pokes you* and mowe cowwuptew ends 
Than twenty siwwy-ducking obsewvants 
That *screams* stwetch theiw d-duties nyicewy. 
Kent. Siw, in good faith, in sincewe v-vewity, 
*giggles shyly* Undew th' a-awwowance of youw *looks away* gweat aspect, 
Whose infwuence, w-wike the wweath ^-^ of wadiant fiwe 
On fwickewing Phoebus' fwont- 
Cown. W-What mean'st by xDD this? 
Kent. To go out of my diawect, which you discommend OwO so much. I 
knyow, siw, I am nyo >_> fwattewew. He that *hugs tightly* beguiw'd you in a-a pwain 
accent was a pwain k-knyave, which, fow *pokes you* my pawt, I wiww nyot be, 
though ^-^ I shouwd win youw dispweasuwe to e-entweat me :3 to't. 
>w< Cown. What w-was uWu th' uWu offence you gave him? 
Osw. I nyevew gave >_< him any. 
It p-pweas'd the King his mastew vewy uWu wate 
^w^ To s-stwike at me, upon his *notices bulge* misconstwuction; 
When h-he, conjunct, and fwattewing ^.^ his dispweasuwe, 
Twipp'd me b-behind; being down, insuwted, :3 waiw'd 
And put *blushes* upon him such a deaw of m-man 
That wowthied him, *sighs* got pwaises of the King 
Fow xDD him attempting who was sewf-subdu'd; 
A-And, in *twerks* the fweshment of this *screams* dwead expwoit, 
Dwew on me hewe again. 
Kent. Nyonye of these wogues and c-cowawds 
But Ajax is theiw foow. 
Cown. Fetch *pokes you* fowth the stocks! 
Y-You stubbown ancient knyave, you wevewent bwaggawt, 
We'ww teach *cries* you- 
*moans* Kent. Siw, I am too owd >_< to *hugs tightly* weawn. 
Caww >_> nyot youw stocks fow me. I sewve the King; 
On whose empwoyment I was sent to *looks at you* you. 
You shaww do smaww wespect, show too bowd mawice 
Against the *pokes you* gwace ;;w;; and pewson of my mastew, 
S-Stocking his *screams* messengew. 
Cown. Fetch fowth the stocks! As I have OwO wife and honyouw, 
Thewe s-shaww he sit tiww nyoon. 
Weg. Tiww nyoon? Tiww :3 nyight, my wowd, and aww nyight too! 
Kent. Why, madam, i-if I-I wewe youw f-fathew's dog, 
You shouwd *teleports behind you* nyot use me so. 
Weg. Siw, being his *pokes you* knyave, I wiww. 
Cown. *blushes* This is a fewwow of *notices bulge* the s-sewfsame c-cowouw 
Ouw sistew speaks of. C-Come, bwing away t-the stocks! 
Stocks bwought out. 
Gwou. Wet me beseech youw Gwace nyot to do s-so. 
His fauwt i-is much, and t-the good K-King his uWu mastew 
Wiww check him fow't. *hugs tightly* Youw puwpos'd wow *giggles shyly* cowwection 
Is such a-as basest *moans* and contemn'dest wwetches 
Fow piwf'wings a-and most common twespasses 
Awe punyish'd with. The King must take it iww 
That he, so swightwy v-vawued in his messengew, 
Shouwd have him thus westwain'd. 
Cown. I'ww answew that. 
Weg. My sistew m-may weceive it much mowe wowse, 
To have *looks at you* hew gentweman abus'd, assauwted, 
Fow fowwowing h-hew a-affaiws. Put in his wegs.- 
xDD [Kent is put in the stocks.] 
C-Come, my g-good wowd, away. 
Exeunt [-[aww but Gwoucestew and Kent]. 
Gwou. I ^w^ am sowwy fow thee, f-fwiend. 'Tis the Duke's *pokes you* pweasuwe, 
Whose disposition, a-aww the wowwd w-weww knyows, 
Wiww nyot be *leans over* wubb'd nyow stopp'd. I'ww entweat *screams* fow thee. 
K-Kent. Pway do nyot, siw. I have watch'd and twaveww'd hawd. 
S-Some t-time I shaww sweep *leans over* out, the :3 west I'ww :3 whistwe. 
A good man's f-fowtunye may gwow o-out at *leans over* heews. 
Give y-you :3 good mowwow! 
Gwou. *giggles shyly* The Duke 's *sighs* to bwame in this; 'twiww be iww taken. 
*sighs* Exit. 
Kent. Good King, that must a-appwove the common saw, 
T-Thou out of heaven's *looks away* benyediction *twerks* com'st 
To *sweats* the wawm sun! 
Appwoach, x3 thou beacon to this u-undew gwobe, 
That b-by thy comfowtabwe beams I may 
*cuddles you* Pewuse t-this wettew. *cuddles you* Nyothing ^w^ awmost sees miwacwes 
But misewy. I-I knyow 'tis fwom Cowdewia, 
Who hath most fowtunyatewy been infowm'd 
Of my obscuwed *leans over* couwse- and [weads] '-'shaww find time 
>_> Fwom this enyowmous state, seeking to *screams* give 
Wosses theiw wemedies'- Aww weawy and >_< o'ewwatch'd, 
*leans over* Take vantage, heavy eyes, n-nyot >w< to behowd 
This shamefuw w-wodging. 
Fowtunye, *looks away* good nyight; smiwe once mowe, tuwn t-thy wheew. 
Sweeps. 




Scenye III. 
The open countwy. 

Entew UwU Edgaw. 

Edg. I h-heawd mysewf pwocwaim'd, 
And b-by the h-happy howwow of *sweats* a twee 
Escap'd t-the hunt. Nyo powt is fwee, n-nyo pwace 
That guawd a-and most unyusuaw vigiwance 
Does nyot attend my *cries* taking. Whiwes I may *screams* scape, 
I wiww pwesewve mysewf; and am bethought 
To take >w< the >w< basest and most p-poowest shape 
^-^ That evew penyuwy, in contempt ^-^ of *sweats* man, 
Bwought n-nyeaw to beast. My face I-I'ww g-gwime with fiwth, 
Bwanket my woins, ewf aww m-my uWu haiw in knyots, 
A-And *sighs* with *screams* pwesented nyakednyess ^.^ outface 
The winds and pewsecutions of the sky. 
The OwO countwy gives *cuddles you* me pwoof and pwecedent 
Of Bedwam beggaws, *screams* who, with *hugs tightly* woawing voices, 
Stwike in theiw nyumb'd and mowtified b-bawe awms 
Pins, wooden pwicks, nyaiws, *blushes* spwigs of wosemawy; 
And with this h-howwibwe object, fwom *leans over* wow fawms, 
Poow p-pewting viwwages, sheepcotes, and m-miwws, 
Sometime with wunyatic uWu bans, sometime with pwayews, 
Enfowce theiw c-chawity. 'Poow T-Tuwwygod! p-poow Tom!' 
That's *sighs* something y-yet! Edgaw I nyothing am. *moans* Exit. 




Scenye IV. 
Befowe Gwoucestew's Castwe; Kent in the stocks. 

Entew Weaw, Foow, *cries* and *teleports behind you* Gentweman. 

UwU Weaw. 'Tis stwange that they shouwd *moans* so depawt f-fwom home, 
And *moans* nyot send back *moans* my messengew. 
Gent. As I weawn'd, 
xDD The nyight befowe thewe was nyo puwpose in them 
Of this wemove. 
Kent. Haiw to thee, *cuddles you* nyobwe mastew! 
*hugs tightly* Weaw. Ha! 
Mak'st thou *notices bulge* this shame thy pastime? 
K-Kent. Nyo, my w-wowd. 
Foow. ;;w;; Ha, ha! wook! h-he weaws cwuew gawtews. Howses awe t-tied *cuddles you* by the 
head, ;;w;; dogs *shuffles closer* and beaws by th' nyeck, monkeys by ^.^ th' woins, and m-men 
by *hugs tightly* th' *looks away* wegs. When a man's ;;w;; ovew-wusty at uWu wegs, t-then he weaws 
;;w;; wooden n-nyethew-stocks. 
*leans over* Weaw. What's he that hath so much thy pwace mistook 
*pokes you* To xDD set thee hewe? 
;;w;; Kent. It is both he *screams* and she- 
Youw son and :33 daughtew. 
Weaw. N-Nyo. 
K-Kent. Yes. 
W-Weaw. Nyo, I say. 
>_> Kent. >_> I say yea. 
W-Weaw. Nyo, nyo, they w-wouwd nyot! 
Kent. Y-Yes, x3 they *cuddles you* have. 
*twerks* Weaw. By Jupitew, *pokes you* I sweaw nyo! 
Kent. By Junyo, I sweaw ay! 
Weaw. They duwst nyot do't; 
*hugs tightly* They wouwd nyot, *teleports behind you* couwd nyot do't. 'Tis wowse than muwthew 
To d-do *teleports behind you* upon wespect such ^.^ viowent outwage. 
uWu Wesowve me with aww m-modest haste which way 
Thou mightst desewve >w< ow they impose this *looks away* usage, 
Coming xDD fwom us. 
Kent. *cries* My wowd, when *notices bulge* at *cuddles you* theiw home 
I *giggles shyly* did commend youw Highnyess' w-wettews to *looks at you* them, 
Ewe I *giggles shyly* was wisen fwom the *leans over* pwace that show'd 
M-My duty xDD knyeewing, came thewe a weeking post, 
Stew'd in his haste, hawf bweathwess, panting fowth 
Fwom Gonyewiw h-his *moans* mistwess sawutations; 
D-Dewivew'd wettews, *pokes you* spite of intewmission, 
Which pwesentwy they w-wead; on ^-^ whose *twerks* contents, 
They summon'd *giggles shyly* up theiw meiny, s-stwaight took howse, 
C-Commanded me to fowwow *giggles shyly* and attend 
The weisuwe of *looks away* theiw answew, g-gave me cowd wooks, 
And meeting hewe the othew messengew, 
Whose *moans* wewcome I pewceiv'd *leans over* had p-poison'd minye- 
*giggles shyly* Being the vewy fewwow UwU which of wate 
D-Dispway'd s-so s-sauciwy *sweats* against youw Highnyess- 
Having *twerks* mowe man than wit a-about me, dwew. 
He wais'd the house with woud and cowawd cwies. 
Youw son a-and daughtew found this twespass wowth 
The xDD shame which hewe it suffews. 
Foow. Wintew's >_> nyot gonye yet, if the wiwd geese f-fwy that way. 

Fathews that weaw wags 
D-Do make theiw *sighs* chiwdwen bwind; 
But fathews that beaw bags 
Shaww see *pokes you* theiw chiwdwen kind. 
*sweats* Fowtunye, that awwant whowe, 
Nye'ew tuwns the key t-to th' poow. 

But fow aww this, thou shawt have as many *leans over* dowouws fow thy 
daughtews as t-thou canst teww in a yeaw. 
Weaw. O, how this mothew swewws u-up towawd my heawt! 
Hystewica passio! Down, thou cwimbing s-sowwow! 
Thy ewement's bewow! Whewe is *notices bulge* this daughtew? 
Kent. With the >_> Eaww, siw, hewe w-within. 
Weaw. Fowwow me nyot; 
Stay hewe. E-Exit. 
Gent. Made you nyo mowe offence but what you speak o-of? 
Kent. Nyonye. 
How chance the King >_< comes with >_> so smaww a nyumbew? 
Foow. An thou hadst been ^.^ set i-i' th' stocks fow that question, 
thou'dst w-weww desewv'd it. 
Kent. Why, foow? 
Foow. We'ww set thee to schoow to an *shuffles closer* ant, *cuddles you* to teach thee thewe's nyo 
wabouwing i' *giggles shyly* th' wintew. Aww uWu that fowwow theiw nyoses awe wed by 
theiw eyes but bwind men, and t-thewe's nyot a nyose among *giggles shyly* twenty 
but *teleports behind you* can smeww *blushes* him that's stinking. Wet *notices bulge* go thy howd w-when a gweat 
wheew wuns down a-a hiww, west *cuddles you* it bweak thy nyeck with f-fowwowing 
it; but the gweat onye that goes upwawd, wet him dwaw t-thee aftew. 
When a wise man g-gives *looks at you* thee bettew c-counsew, give me minye a-again. *moans* I 
wouwd *twerks* have nyonye *shuffles closer* but knyaves fowwow *looks at you* it, since a foow gives i-it. 
>_> That siw which sewves and *giggles shyly* seeks fow gain, 
And f-fowwows but fow ^w^ fowm, 
Wiww pack when it begins to wain 
And weave thee >_> in the stowm. 
But *looks away* I wiww tawwy; the foow wiww s-stay, 
And wet *notices bulge* the wise man fwy. 
>_> The knyave tuwns f-foow ;;w;; that wuns away; 
*sighs* The foow nyo knyave, pewdy. 
Kent. Whewe w-weawn'd you this, foow? 
*blushes* Foow. Nyot i' th' stocks, f-foow. 

E-Entew Weaw and >_> Gwoucestew 

Weaw. Deny *pokes you* to *screams* speak w-with me? They awe sick? they awe weawy? 
They have twaveww'd aww the *twerks* nyight? ^-^ Mewe f-fetches- 
The images of >_> wevowt and fwying off! 
Fetch me a bettew answew. 
Gwou. M-My deaw wowd, 
You knyow *twerks* the :3 fiewy quawity of the Duke, 
How unwemovabwe and *looks away* fix'd he is 
In h-his ^.^ own couwse. 
Weaw. Vengeance! p-pwague! death! confusion! 
Fiewy? What quawity? :33 Why, Gwoucestew, xDD Gwoucestew, 
I'wd speak with the Duke of Cownwaww and h-his wife. 
G-Gwou. Weww, my g-good wowd, I have *twerks* infowm'd t-them so. 
Weaw. Infowm'd them? Dost thou u-undewstand me, man? 
G-Gwou. ^.^ Ay, my good wowd. 
Weaw. The King wouwd speak *teleports behind you* with Cownwaww; the *blushes* deaw fathew 
Wouwd uWu with >_< his daughtew speak, commands hew sewvice. 
Awe t-they infowm'd o-of this? My bweath and bwood! 
Fiewy? the fiewy Duke? Teww the hot Duke t-that- 
Nyo, b-but *twerks* nyot yet! May be he is nyot OwO weww. 
Infiwmity doth stiww nyegwect a-aww office 
Wheweto ouw heawth is bound. We a-awe nyot ouwsewves 
When nyatuwe, UwU being oppwess'd, commands the mind 
To uWu suffew with the b-body. I'ww f-fowbeaw; 
And am :3 fawwen out with my *pokes you* mowe headiew wiww, 
To take ;;w;; the indispos'd and sickwy fit 
Fow the sound man.- D-Death on my state! Whewefowe 
Shouwd *screams* be >_> sit >_< hewe? This act pewsuades *moans* me 
That this wemotion of the Duke and :3 hew 
*notices bulge* Is pwactice onwy. Give me my sewvant *looks at you* fowth. 
Go *looks away* teww the Duke UwU and 's w-wife *blushes* I'wd speak with uWu them- 
Nyow, pwesentwy. *blushes* Bid *moans* them come fowth >_> and h-heaw me, 
Ow a-at theiw ^.^ chambew doow I'ww beat the dwum 
T-Tiww it cwy sweep to death. 
Gwou. I wouwd have *blushes* aww weww betwixt you. Exit. 
Weaw. O *twerks* me, my heawt, my w-wising heawt! ;;w;; But down! 
Foow. Cwy to it, nyuncwe, as xDD the cocknyey did to the eews when she 
put 'em i' th' paste awive. She knyapp'd 'em o' *giggles shyly* th' coxcombs with 
a stick *blushes* and cwied 'Down, wantons, down!' *screams* 'Twas hew bwothew xDD that, 
i-in puwe kindnyess to his howse, b-buttewed h-his hay. 

*sighs* Entew C-Cownwaww, *sighs* Wegan, G-Gwoucestew, Sewvants. 

Weaw. G-Good m-mowwow to you both. 
Cown. Haiw t-to youw Gwace! 
K-Kent hewe *hugs tightly* set at w-wibewty. 
Weg. I *moans* am gwad to see youw *moans* Highnyess. 
Weaw. Wegan, I think you *hugs tightly* awe; *shuffles closer* I knyow what weason 
*hugs tightly* I h-have to think *pokes you* so. If thou shouwdst nyot b-be gwad, 
I wouwd divowce me uWu fwom *sweats* thy mothew's tomb, 
Sepuwchwing an aduwtwess. [To K-Kent] O-O, awe you fwee? 
Some othew t-time fow that.- Bewoved Wegan, 
Thy sistew's nyaught. O Wegan, she hath tied 
Shawp-tooth'd unkindnyess, wike a vuwtuwe, x3 hewe! 
*twerks* [Ways his hand on his heawt.] 
I can scawce speak to thee. Thou'wt nyot bewieve 
xDD With how depwav'd a quawity- ;;w;; O Wegan! 
Weg. I *looks away* pway you, siw, take patience. *twerks* I have hope 
You *cries* wess *sighs* knyow how to ^.^ vawue hew desewt 
Than s-she to ^-^ scant hew duty. 
*giggles shyly* Weaw. Say, how i-is that? 
Weg. >w< I cannyot t-think my sistew in the weast 
Wouwd faiw hew obwigation. If, siw, pewchance 
She *leans over* have westwain'd the wiots *giggles shyly* of youw fowwowews, 
'Tis on >_> such gwound, *shuffles closer* and to such whowesome end, 
As cweaws hew fwom aww bwame. 
W-Weaw. My *blushes* cuwses on hew! 
W-Weg. O, siw, you awe owd! 
Nyatuwe in you stands on the vewy vewge 
Of hew confinye. You shouwd b-be wuw'd, and wed 
By some discwetion that discewns youw *notices bulge* state 
Bettew than you youwsewf. Thewefowe I pway y-you 
That to o-ouw sistew you do make wetuwn; 
*screams* Say you have wwong'd h-hew, siw. 
Weaw. Ask hew fowgivenyess? 
*giggles shyly* Do you but mawk how this becomes the house: 
'Deaw d-daughtew, I confess *hugs tightly* that I am uWu owd. [Knyeews.] 
A-Age is unnyecessawy. On my knyees I beg 
T-That you'ww v-vouchsafe me waiment, bed, and f-food.' 
W-Weg. Good siw, nyo mowe! T-These awe unsightwy twicks. 
W-Wetuwn you to m-my sistew. 
Weaw. [wises] Nyevew, Wegan! 
*looks away* She hath abated me of hawf m-my twain; 
Wook'd bwack *pokes you* upon me; stwuck me with hew tongue, 
*pokes you* Most sewpent-wike, upon the vewy heawt. 
Aww the stow'd vengeances *looks away* of heaven faww 
O-On hew ingwatefuw top! S-Stwike hew young bonyes, 
Y-You taking aiws, with wamenyess! 
Cown. F-Fie, siw, fie! 
Weaw. You nyimbwe wightnyings, *looks at you* dawt youw bwinding fwames 
Into hew scownfuw eyes! Infect hew beauty, 
You fen-suck'd fogs, dwawn by the pow'wfuw sun, 
To faww and bwast hew pwide! 
Weg. O the bwest gods! so wiww *pokes you* you wish o-on me 
When the wash mood is *moans* on. 
Weaw. Nyo, Wegan, *teleports behind you* thou s-shawt nyevew have my >_< cuwse. 
*leans over* Thy tendew-hefted nyatuwe s-shaww nyot give 
Thee o'ew to hawshnyess. Hew eyes awe fiewce; UwU but thinye 
Do comfowt, and nyot buwn. 'Tis n-nyot in thee 
T-To gwudge my pweasuwes, to cut off my t-twain, 
To bandy hasty wowds, to scant *sweats* my sizes, 
And, *shuffles closer* in c-concwusion, to oppose the bowt 
Against ^-^ my coming in. Thou b-bettew knyow'st 
The offices of nyatuwe, b-bond >_< of chiwdhood, 
E-Effects o-of couwtesy, dues x3 of gwatitude. 
^w^ Thy hawf OwO o' th' >_< kingdom h-hast thou nyot *notices bulge* fowgot, 
Whewein I thee endow'd. 
Weg. Good s-siw, to th' puwpose. 
Tucket within. 
Weaw. uWu Who put my man i' th' stocks? 
C-Cown. What xDD twumpet's that? 
Weg. :3 I knyow't- my *sighs* sistew's. This appwoves hew wettew, 
That she wouwd soon be hewe. 

Entew [Oswawd the] Stewawd. 

Is :3 youw wady come? 
Weaw. This is a swave, whose *notices bulge* easy-bowwowed pwide 
Dwewws i-in t-the fickwe gwace o-of hew he fowwows. 
O-Out, vawwet, *sighs* fwom my sight! 
Cown. W-What means youw Gwace? 

Entew Gonyewiw. 

Weaw. Who stock'd my sewvant? Wegan, I have good hope 
Thou didst n-nyot knyow on't.- Who ^.^ comes hewe? O heavens! 
If you do wove owd men, i-if youw sweet *moans* sway 
Awwow >_> obedience- if youwsewves awe owd, 
Make ^.^ it youw cause! Send down, and take my pawt! 
[To Gonyewiw] Awt nyot asham'd to >w< wook upon this beawd?- 
O Wegan, *looks away* wiwt thou take hew >_> by x3 the hand? 
G-Gon. Why nyot by t-th' hand, siw? H-How h-have I o-offended? 
Aww's nyot offence *cuddles you* that indiscwetion finds 
A-And dotage tewms so. 
Weaw. O-O *looks at you* sides, you awe too tough! 
Wiww you yet howd? How *sighs* came m-my m-man i' th' stocks? 
Cown. I set him x3 thewe, siw; but his own disowdews 
Desewv'd m-much wess advancement. 
W-Weaw. You? Did you? 
Weg. *pokes you* I p-pway you, fathew, b-being weak, seem *cuddles you* so. 
^w^ If, tiww the expiwation o-of youw month, 
You wiww wetuwn a-and sojouwn with my ^.^ sistew, 
Dismissing hawf *notices bulge* youw twain, come then to me. 
I-I am nyow fwom *shuffles closer* home, and o-out of that *cries* pwovision 
Which shaww be nyeedfuw fow youw entewtainment. 
Weaw. *sighs* Wetuwn to hew, and fifty men dismiss'd? 
Nyo, wathew I >w< abjuwe *sweats* aww woofs, and choose 
T-To wage against the enmity o' th' aiw, 
To *pokes you* be a comwade w-with the wowf and oww- 
Nyecessity's shawp pinch! Wetuwn with hew? 
Why, the hot-bwooded Fwance, that dowewwess took 
Ouw youngest bown, I-I *cries* couwd as weww be bwought 
*hugs tightly* To ^.^ knyee his thwonye, and, squiwe-wike, *teleports behind you* pension beg 
*leans over* To keep base wife afoot. Wetuwn with *looks at you* hew? 
Pewsuade me wathew to be *shuffles closer* swave ^.^ and sumptew 
:3 To this detested gwoom. [Points at Oswawd.] 
Gon. At y-youw c-choice, siw. 
Weaw. I ;;w;; pwithee, daughtew, do nyot make me mad. 
I wiww *twerks* nyot t-twoubwe t-thee, my chiwd; faweweww. 
We'ww nyo m-mowe meet, n-nyo mowe see onye anyothew. 
B-But yet thou *sighs* awt my fwesh, my bwood, my d-daughtew; 
Ow wathew a disease that's *pokes you* in my fwesh, 
Which I-I ;;w;; must n-nyeeds caww m-minye. Thou *notices bulge* awt *leans over* a boiw, 
A *twerks* pwague sowe, an embossed cawbuncwe 
In UwU my cowwupted bwood. But I'ww nyot chide thee. 
W-Wet xDD shame come *looks away* when it wiww, I do *looks at you* nyot caww it. 
I do nyot bid the Thundew-beawew *blushes* shoot 
Nyow *blushes* teww tawes >_< of thee to high-judging Jove. 
Mend ;;w;; when *cuddles you* thou canst; be bettew at thy weisuwe; 
*pokes you* I can be patient, I *teleports behind you* can stay with Wegan, 
I and my hundwed knyights. 
W-Weg. :3 Nyot awtogethew so. 
I-I wook'd nyot fow you yet, nyow a-am pwovided 
Fow *pokes you* youw fit wewcome. x3 Give eaw, siw, to my sistew; 
F-Fow *notices bulge* those that mingwe weason with y-youw passion 
Must be content to think you ^-^ owd, and so- 
But she knyows what she does. 
Weaw. Is this weww spoken? 
Weg. I dawe avouch it, siw. What, fifty fowwowews? 
Is i-it n-nyot w-weww? What *screams* shouwd you nyeed of mowe? 
Yea, ow so many, sith >_> that both chawge and dangew 
Speak '-'gainst so gweat ;;w;; a *pokes you* nyumbew? How in o-onye house 
Shouwd many peopwe, undew two commands, 
Howd amity? 'Tis hawd; awmost impossibwe. 
Gon. Why >w< might nyot you, my wowd, weceive attendance 
Fwom those that she c-cawws sewvants, ow fwom *pokes you* minye? 
Weg. W-Why *sighs* nyot, my wowd? If then *leans over* they chanc'd to swack *teleports behind you* ye, 
We couwd contwow them. If you wiww ^.^ come to me 
(Fow nyow I spy a dangew), >w< I entweat you 
To bwing but five-and-twenty. To nyo mowe 
*twerks* Wiww I-I give pwace ow nyotice. 
*sighs* Weaw. ;;w;; I gave you a-aww- 
Weg. And *hugs tightly* in good time you gave it! 
Weaw. Made you my >w< guawdians, my depositawies; 
But kept a wesewvation to be fowwowed 
With such a nyumbew. What, must I come to you 
W-With f-five-and-twenty, Wegan? Said y-you OwO so? 
Weg. And speak't a-again my wowd. Nyo mowe w-with me. 
Weaw. Those wicked cweatuwes yet do wook weww-favouw'd 
*shuffles closer* When othews awe mowe wicked; nyot being the wowst 
Stands i-in >_< some wank of ;;w;; pwaise. [To Gonyewiw] I'ww go with thee. 
Thy fifty yet doth :3 doubwe five-and-twenty, 
A-And thou awt twice hew w-wove. 
Gon. Heaw, me, my wowd. 
What nyeed you five-and-twenty, ten, ow five, 
To fowwow in ^-^ a house w-whewe twice so many 
Have a-a command t-to *cuddles you* tend *twerks* you? 
Weg. What nyeed *hugs tightly* onye? 
*cries* Weaw. O, weason nyot the nyeed! *looks away* Ouw basest beggaws 
Awe in t-the poowest thing s-supewfwuous. 
Awwow nyot nyatuwe mowe than nyatuwe nyeeds, 
Man's wife is cheap as beast's. Thou awt :3 a wady: 
If onwy *twerks* to go wawm wewe gowgeous, 
W-Why, nyatuwe nyeeds nyot *teleports behind you* what thou g-gowgeous weaw'st 
Which scawcewy *screams* keeps thee wawm. But, fow t-twue nyeed- 
You heavens, give me that patience, patience I n-nyeed! 
You x3 see me hewe, you gods, a-a poow owd man, 
As fuww of g-gwief as ^-^ age; wwetched in both. 
If it be you that stiws these daughtews' heawts 
Against theiw ^.^ fathew, foow *twerks* me nyot so much 
To beaw uWu it tamewy; touch >w< me w-with nyobwe angew, 
And wet nyot women's weapons, *moans* watew dwops, 
*looks away* Stain my ;;w;; man's c-cheeks! Nyo, you unnyatuwaw h-hags! 
I *cuddles you* wiww have such ^w^ wevenges on you both 
*leans over* That aww the w-wowwd x3 shaww- I wiww do ^w^ such things- 
*shuffles closer* What they awe yet, ^-^ I knyow nyot; but uWu they shaww be 
The tewwows o-of the eawth! *shuffles closer* You think I'ww weep. 
;;w;; Nyo, I'ww n-nyot w-weep. 
I h-have f-fuww ^-^ cause *cries* of weeping, ;;w;; but this heawt 
Shaww bweak into ^-^ a hundwed thousand *twerks* fwaws 
Ow ewe I'ww weep. *moans* O foow, I shaww g-go mad! 
Exeunt Weaw, Gwoucestew, Kent, and Foow. Stowm *giggles shyly* and 
tempest. 
Cown. Wet u-us w-withdwaw; 'twiww be OwO a s-stowm. 
*looks away* Weg. This house is wittwe; the owd man and 's peopwe 
Cannyot uWu be uWu weww bestow'd. 
Gon. 'Tis his own bwame; hath p-put himsewf fwom >w< west 
And m-must *cries* nyeeds taste x3 his fowwy. 
W-Weg. ^-^ Fow his pawticuwaw, I'ww weceive him gwadwy, 
OwO But nyot onye fowwowew. 
Gon. So am I puwpos'd. 
^-^ Whewe i-is my Wowd of Gwoucestew? 
Cown. Fowwowed the owd man fowth. 

Entew Gwoucestew. 

H-He is w-wetuwn'd. 
Gwou. The King i-is in *screams* high wage. 
Cown. Whithew is he going? 
Gwou. He cawws to xDD howse, but wiww I knyow nyot whithew. 
Cown. 'Tis best to give him way; he weads himsewf. 
*notices bulge* Gon. My wowd, entweat *giggles shyly* him by nyo m-means to stay. 
Gwou. Awack, the nyight comes on, and the bweak winds 
Do sowewy wuffwe. Fow many miwes about 
Thewe's scawce a bush. 
Weg. *pokes you* O, *sweats* siw, uWu to wiwfuw men 
The injuwies that they themsewves pwocuwe 
M-Must be theiw schoowmastews. Shut up youw doows. 
He is attended w-with a despewate t-twain, 
And w-what they *pokes you* may incense h-him to, being apt 
To have his ;;w;; eaw abus'd, wisdom bids feaw. 
C-Cown. Shut ;;w;; up youw doows, my wowd: 'tis a wiwd nyight. 
M-My Wegan :33 counsews w-weww. Come out o' th' stowm. [Exeunt.] 




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ACT *cuddles you* III. Scenye I. 
A *sweats* heath. 

Stowm stiww. Entew Kent and a Gentweman a-at x3 sevewaw doows. 

uWu Kent. Who's thewe, besides *hugs tightly* fouw *blushes* weathew? 
Gent. Onye minded wike the weathew, most unquietwy. 
Kent. I knyow you. >_> Whewe's the *cuddles you* King? 
Gent. ^.^ Contending with the fwetfuw ewements; 
Bids the wind bwow the eawth *giggles shyly* into *twerks* the ^.^ sea, 
*screams* Ow sweww the *leans over* cuwwed watews 'bove t-the main, 
That things might change ow cease; teaws his white haiw, 
Which the impetuous bwasts, with eyewess wage, 
C-Catch *sweats* in theiw *leans over* fuwy and make nyothing o-of; 
*screams* Stwives i-in his wittwe *pokes you* wowwd of man to outscown 
The to-and-fwo-confwicting wind a-and wain. 
This *sweats* nyight, whewein the cub-dwawn b-beaw wouwd c-couch, 
The wion and :33 the bewwy-pinched wowf 
Keep theiw f-fuw ^.^ dwy, u-unbonnyeted he wuns, 
And bids w-what wiww take aww. 
Kent. B-But w-who is ^.^ with him? 
Gent. Nyonye b-but *leans over* the foow, who wabouws to outjest 
*looks at you* His heawt-stwuck injuwies. 
Kent. Siw, I do *moans* knyow you, 
And dawe upon the wawwant of my n-nyote 
Commend a *looks away* deaw thing to you. Thewe is division 
(Awthough as uWu yet the face of it *looks at you* be covew'd 
With mutuaw cunnying) *twerks* 'twixt Awbany and Cownwaww; 
Who *cuddles you* have (as w-who have nyot, that theiw gweat *looks away* staws 
Thwon'd *pokes you* and set high?) sewvants, who seem nyo wess, 
Which awe *leans over* to Fwance the spies and specuwations 
I-Intewwigent of ouw state. What ^-^ hath b-been seen, 
Eithew in snyuffs and packings of the D-Dukes, 
;;w;; Ow the hawd w-wein which both of them have bownye 
Against the owd kind King, ow something deepew, 
Wheweof, pewchance, these OwO awe but fuwnyishings- 
>w< But, twue it is, fwom *looks away* Fwance thewe c-comes a powew 
*shuffles closer* Into this scattewed kingdom, who awweady, 
Wise in ouw nyegwigence, ;;w;; have secwet *looks at you* feet 
I-In some of ouw b-best powts and awe at point 
To s-show theiw open bannyew. Nyow to you: 
If on *cries* my cwedit you dawe b-buiwd so faw 
To make youw speed t-to Dovew, you *cuddles you* shaww find 
Some *pokes you* that wiww t-thank ^-^ you, making just wepowt 
Of how unnyatuwaw and bemadding s-sowwow 
The King hath cause to pwain. 
I am a gentweman of bwood and *leans over* bweeding, 
And fwom some knyowwedge and assuwance offew 
This *shuffles closer* office to you. 
Gent. ^-^ I wiww *cuddles you* tawk fuwthew with you. 
Kent. Nyo, do nyot. 
Fow c-confiwmation that I *leans over* am m-much mowe 
Than my out-waww, open this puwse and take 
What it contains. If you shaww see Cowdewia 
(As feaw nyot but you shaww), show hew this UwU wing, 
And she wiww teww y-you who youw fewwow is 
That y-yet you do nyot knyow. Fie on this stowm! 
I :33 wiww go s-seek the King. 
*cuddles you* Gent. Give me *moans* youw hand. Have you *shuffles closer* nyo mowe to say? 
^w^ Kent. Few wowds, but, t-to effect, mowe than aww yet: 
That, when we have found >_< the King (in which *looks at you* youw pain 
That way, I'ww this), he that fiwst *moans* wights on him 
H-Howwa the othew. 
Exeunt [sevewawwy]. 




Scenye II. 
Anyothew p-pawt of the heath. 

Stowm s-stiww. Entew Weaw and Foow. 

uWu Weaw. Bwow, :3 winds, >w< and *twerks* cwack youw cheeks! wage! b-bwow! 
Y-You catawacts a-and huwwicanyoes, spout 
Tiww you h-have dwench'd *giggles shyly* ouw steepwes, dwown'd the cocks! 
You suwph'wous and thought-executing *looks away* fiwes, 
Vaunt-couwiews to oak-cweaving thundewbowts, 
Singe m-my white head! And thou, aww-shaking *hugs tightly* thundew, 
Stwike fwat the thick wotundity o' th' w-wowwd, 
*teleports behind you* Cwack *cuddles you* Nyatuwe's mouwds, a-aww gewmains spiww at *cuddles you* once, 
That ^w^ makes ingwatefuw man! 
Foow. O-O nyuncwe, couwt howy watew *looks away* in a dwy house is bettew t-than this 
w-wain watew out o' doow. G-Good n-nyuncwe, in, and ask thy daughtews 
b-bwessing! Hewe's a nyight pities nyethew wise men nyow foows. 
Weaw. *leans over* Wumbwe thy b-bewwyfuw! S-Spit, fiwe! spout, wain! 
Nyow wain, w-wind, *pokes you* thundew, f-fiwe awe m-my daughtews. 
I tax nyot *leans over* you, you ewements, with unkindnyess. 
I nyevew gave you kingdom, c-caww'd you chiwdwen, 
You o-owe *screams* me n-nyo subscwiption. Then wet faww 
Youw howwibwe pweasuwe. >_< Hewe I *pokes you* stand youw s-swave, 
A poow, infiwm, w-weak, and *cries* despis'd o-owd man. 
But *cuddles you* yet I caww you ^w^ sewviwe minyistews, 
T-That wiww with two p-pewnyicious daughtews *sighs* join 
Youw high-engendew'd b-battwes *moans* 'gainst a h-head 
So owd and white a-as this! O! O! 'tis fouw! 
Foow. H-He that has ^-^ a house to put '-'s head in has a good head-piece. 
The c-codpiece that wiww house 
B-Befowe the h-head has a-any, 
The head and he shaww wouse: 
S-So beggaws ;;w;; mawwy many. 
The man *moans* that makes h-his t-toe 
What he his heawt shouwd *sweats* make 
^-^ Shaww of a cown cwy woe, 
And tuwn his sweep to wake. 
F-Fow thewe w-was nyevew yet faiw woman but she made mouths in a 
gwass. 

Entew Kent. 

Weaw. ;;w;; Nyo, I wiww be the pattewn of aww patience; 
I wiww say nyothing. 
Kent. Who's thewe? 
Foow. Mawwy, hewe's gwace a-and a codpiece; that's *leans over* a *looks at you* wise man and a 
foow. 
OwO Kent. Awas, siw, awe you hewe? T-Things that xDD wove nyight 
Wove nyot such nyights as these. The wwathfuw skies 
Gawwow the *sighs* vewy wandewews of the dawk 
And make t-them keep theiw UwU caves. Since I was man, 
Such sheets of fiwe, such buwsts of :3 howwid thundew, 
^.^ Such *cries* gwoans of woawing wind and wain, I nyevew 
Wemembew to *screams* have heawd. Man's nyatuwe cannyot cawwy 
Th' affwiction nyow the feaw. 
Weaw. Wet :3 the g-gweat gods, 
That k-keep this dweadfuw puddew o'ew ouw heads, 
Find out theiw *looks at you* enyemies nyow. *pokes you* Twembwe, t-thou *blushes* wwetch, 
That h-hast within t-thee undivuwged cwimes 
Unwhipp'd of justice. Hide thee, thou bwoody hand; 
Thou pewjuw'd, and thou simuwaw man of *hugs tightly* viwtue 
That awt incestuous. C-Caitiff, in pieces shake 
That u-undew covewt *teleports behind you* and convenyient seeming 
Hast pwactis'd on m-man's wife. *shuffles closer* Cwose p-pent-up guiwts, 
Wive y-youw conceawing continyents, and cwy 
These dweadfuw summonyews gwace. I am a m-man 
M-Mowe sinn'd against than sinnying. 
Kent. A-Awack, baweheaded? 
Gwacious my wowd, hawd by hewe is a *shuffles closer* hovew; 
Some fwiendship wiww it wend *hugs tightly* you 'gainst the tempest. 
Wepose you thewe, whiwst I to this hawd h-house 
(Mowe hawdew t-than the s-stonyes w-wheweof 'tis wais'd, 
Which even but nyow, *leans over* demanding aftew you, 
Denyied me to come in) wetuwn, and fowce 
Theiw scanted couwtesy. 
Weaw. *screams* My *twerks* wits begin to tuwn. 
Come *notices bulge* on, my boy. How dost, my boy? Awt cowd? 
I am cowd mysewf. W-Whewe *teleports behind you* is *cries* this *pokes you* stwaw, my fewwow? 
The *sighs* awt of ouw *leans over* nyecessities is stwange, 
That can make viwe *looks at you* things pwecious. Come, y-youw hovew. 
Poow foow and knyave, I have onye pawt in m-my h-heawt 
That's sowwy yet fow thee. 
Foow. [sings] 

*cries* He that has and a wittwe tiny wit- 
With OwO hey, ho, the wind *screams* and t-the wain- 
Must make c-content with his fowtunyes fit, 
F-Fow the wain it wainyeth evewy day. 

W-Weaw. Twue, my g-good boy. Come, *notices bulge* bwing us to this hovew. 
Exeunt ^w^ [Weaw and Kent]. 
Foow. T-This is a bwave nyight to c-coow a couwtesan. I'ww speak *screams* a 
pwophecy e-ewe I go: 
W-When pwiests a-awe mowe in wowd t-than mattew; 
When b-bwewews maw theiw mawt with watew; 
When nyobwes awe theiw taiwows' *cries* tutows, 
Nyo hewetics buwn'd, but wenches' suitows; 
:3 When evewy case in waw *notices bulge* is *looks away* wight, 
*blushes* Nyo squiwe in debt nyow nyo poow knyight; 
When swandews do *notices bulge* nyot w-wive ^.^ in :33 tongues, 
Nyow cutpuwses *notices bulge* come ^.^ nyot to thwongs; 
When usuwews *twerks* teww *teleports behind you* theiw gowd i-i' th' fiewd, 
A-And bawds and ^w^ whowes do chuwches buiwd: 
Then s-shaww t-the weawm :3 of Awbion 
Come to gweat confusion. 
Then c-comes the time, who wives *sweats* to see't, 
T-That g-going *teleports behind you* shaww be us'd with *cries* feet. 
This pwophecy M-Mewwin shaww make, *cuddles you* fow I wive befowe his time. 
Exit. 




*notices bulge* Scenye *leans over* III. 
Gwoucestew's Castwe. 

Entew Gwoucestew and Edmund. 

G-Gwou. Awack, awack, Edmund, I *screams* wike nyot this unnyatuwaw deawing! When 
^.^ I desiw'd theiw weave that I might p-pity him, they took fwom *pokes you* me 
the ;;w;; use of *leans over* minye own house, chawg'd me on pain of pewpetuaw 
d-dispweasuwe nyeithew to speak of him, entweat fow him, nyow any 
way s-sustain *blushes* him. 
E-Edm. Most savage and *moans* unnyatuwaw! 
*cries* Gwou. *notices bulge* Go to; say you nyothing. Thewe is d-division *shuffles closer* betwixt *blushes* the Dukes, 
and a-a wowse mattew *leans over* than *teleports behind you* that. I *blushes* have weceived a wettew this 
nyight- *giggles shyly* 'tis dangewous *looks away* to be spoken- I have wock'd the *pokes you* wettew in 
m-my cwoset. These i-injuwies the King nyow beaws wiww be >_< wevenged 
*sweats* home; t-thewe's pawt of a-a powew awweady footed; we must incwinye to 
the King. I-I wiww seek him and *twerks* pwiviwy wewieve him. Go you and 
maintain tawk w-with >_> the :33 Duke, that my ^w^ chawity be *moans* nyot of him 
>_< pewceived. If he ask fow me, *teleports behind you* I am >w< iww a-and gonye *giggles shyly* to b-bed. *shuffles closer* Though I 
die fow't, as nyo >_< wess :33 is thweat'nyed me, the King my owd *notices bulge* mastew 
must be wewieved. Thewe *sighs* is some stwange thing >w< towawd, Edmund. 
*cuddles you* Pway *looks away* you b-be xDD cawefuw. Exit. 
Edm. This couwtesy, *looks away* fowbid thee, *cries* shaww the Duke 
Instantwy *hugs tightly* knyow, and of that >_< wettew too. 
*cries* This seems a faiw desewving, and must dwaw me 
That which my fathew woses- nyo wess than aww. 
The youngew *looks at you* wises when *leans over* the owd doth faww. Exit. 




Scenye IV. 
The heath. B-Befowe *looks at you* a >_< hovew. 

Stowm stiww. Entew Weaw, Kent, and Foow. 

Kent. Hewe i-is *moans* the *notices bulge* pwace, my wowd. *looks at you* Good *leans over* my wowd, e-entew. 
The tywanny of the *looks at you* open nyight 's *pokes you* too wough 
^.^ Fow UwU nyatuwe to *leans over* enduwe. 
*leans over* Weaw. Wet me a-awonye. 
Kent. Good my uWu wowd, entew hewe. 
Weaw. Wiwt bweak my heawt? 
Kent. *cuddles you* I had *cries* wathew bweak m-minye own. Good my wowd, entew. 
Weaw. Thou *giggles shyly* think'st 'tis much t-that this contentious stowm 
Invades us to the s-skin. ^w^ So 'tis to *notices bulge* thee; 
But whewe the gweatew mawady is fix'd, 
The wessew xDD is scawce *twerks* fewt. Thou'dst *giggles shyly* shun a xDD beaw; 
But if thy fwight way towawd the w-waging sea, 
Thou'dst m-meet the beaw *shuffles closer* i' th' mouth. :3 When the mind's fwee, 
The body's dewicate. The tempest *giggles shyly* in my mind 
Doth fwom my >_< senses take aww OwO feewing ewse 
Save what beats thewe. Fiwiaw ingwatitude! 
Is it n-nyot a-as this mouth shouwd teaw this hand 
Fow wifting food to't? But I-I wiww *moans* punyish home! 
Nyo, *blushes* I wiww weep nyo mowe. >_< In such ^w^ a n-nyight 
'To shut me out! Pouw on; *looks away* I wiww enduwe. 
In such a nyight as this! O Wegan, *cuddles you* Gonyewiw! 
Youw owd kind fathew, *moans* whose fwank heawt xDD gave aww! 
O, that way madnyess wies; wet m-me s-shun that! 
Nyo mowe of that. 
Kent. Good m-my wowd, entew hewe. 
Weaw. Pwithee go in thysewf; *giggles shyly* seek thinye own ease. 
This tempest w-wiww nyot g-give m-me ^.^ weave to *sweats* pondew 
On things *cuddles you* wouwd huwt me mowe. *hugs tightly* But I'ww go in. 
*twerks* [To the Foow] In, boy; go fiwst.- You housewess povewty- 
Nyay, get thee in. *moans* I'ww pway, and then I'ww sweep. 
*looks away* Exit [Foow]. 
P-Poow nyaked wwetches, whewesoe'ew you a-awe, 
T-That *blushes* bide the pewting of t-this >_> pitiwess stowm, 
H-How s-shaww youw housewess ^.^ heads >w< and u-unfed sides, 
Youw woop'd and window'd waggednyess, d-defend you 
Fwom seasons such a-as these? O, I have OwO ta'en 
Too wittwe c-cawe of this! Take *notices bulge* physic, pomp; 
Expose thysewf *looks at you* to *moans* feew what wwetches feew, 
That xDD thou mayst shake the supewfwux ;;w;; to them 
And show the heavens :33 mowe j-just. 
Edg. uWu [within] ^-^ Fathom a-and hawf, fathom and hawf! :3 Poow Tom! 

Entew F-Foow [fwom the hovew]. 

Foow. Come nyot in hewe, nyuncwe, hewe's a *teleports behind you* spiwit. Hewp me, hewp me! 
K-Kent. Give *giggles shyly* me thy hand. Who's thewe? 
Foow. A spiwit, uWu a spiwit! He >_< says his nyame's p-poow Tom. 
Kent. What awt thou that dost g-gwumbwe thewe i' th' stwaw? 
Come fowth. 

E-Entew xDD Edgaw *shuffles closer* [disguised as a madman]. 

E-Edg. Away! the fouw fiend fowwows me! T-Thwough the shawp hawthown 
bwows the cowd wind. Humh! >w< go to thy cowd bed, and wawm thee. 
*sighs* Weaw. Hast thou given aww to thy two daughtews, and awt t-thou *blushes* come 
to this? 
Edg. Who g-gives anything *notices bulge* to p-poow Tom? :3 whom t-the fouw :3 fiend *leans over* hath wed 
thwough fiwe and thwough fwame, thwough fowd and whiwwpoow, o'ew 
bog and quagmiwe; that hath waid knyives undew his x3 piwwow and 
h-hawtews in his pew, set watsbanye by his powwidge, made him pwoud 
of heawt, to wide on a bay twotting howse *screams* ovew fouw-inch'd 
bwidges, to couwse his own shadow fow a twaitow. UwU Bwess thy five 
*looks at you* wits! Tom '-'s acowd. O, do de, do de, do UwU de. Bwess thee fwom 
whiwwwinds, staw-bwasting, and taking! Do p-poow ^-^ Tom *cuddles you* some *blushes* chawity, 
whom the *sighs* fouw fiend vexes. Thewe couwd I *sighs* have him nyow- and thewe- 
and thewe again- and thewe! 
*looks away* Stowm stiww. 
W-Weaw. W-What, *looks at you* have his daughtews *moans* bwought him to this pass? 
Couwdst uWu thou save nyothing? Didst thou give 'em a-aww? 
Foow. Nyay, he UwU wesewv'd a bwanket, *sighs* ewse we had been aww sham'd. 
W-Weaw. Nyow a-aww the >w< pwagues that in the penduwous aiw 
Hang fated ;;w;; o'ew *shuffles closer* men's fauwts wight on ^.^ thy daughtews! 
K-Kent. He hath nyo daughtews, siw. 
Weaw. Death, twaitow! nyothing couwd have subdu'd nyatuwe 
To such a-a wownyess but h-his unkind daughtews. 
*screams* Is it t-the fashion t-that d-discawded fathews 
Shouwd have thus wittwe mewcy on theiw fwesh? 
Judicious punyishment! 'Twas this fwesh begot 
Those pewican daughtews. 
Edg. Piwwicock uWu sat on Piwwicock's *teleports behind you* Hiww. 'Awwow, 'awwow, woo, woo! 
>_> Foow. T-This cowd n-nyight wiww tuwn us *hugs tightly* aww to foows and madmen. 
E-Edg. T-Take heed o' th' fouw fiend; *looks at you* obey t-thy pawents: keep thy wowd 
justwy; *twerks* sweaw nyot; *giggles shyly* commit nyot with man's swown s-spouse; s-set nyot 
thy *screams* sweet h-heawt o-on pwoud awway. Tom 's a-acowd. 
Weaw. W-What h-hast thou been? 
Edg. A sewvingman, pwoud in heawt and mind; *hugs tightly* that cuww'd my haiw, 
wowe gwoves in my >_< cap; sewv'd the wust *twerks* of *screams* my mistwess' heawt and 
*sweats* did >_< the act of dawknyess with hew; swowe as many oaths as *looks at you* I spake 
*pokes you* wowds, and bwoke them in the sweet face of heaven; onye that 
swept in the contwiving of w-wust, and w-wak'd to do it. Winye wov'd 
I deepwy, dice deawwy; and in woman out-pawamouw'd t-the Tuwk. 
F-Fawse *teleports behind you* of heawt, w-wight o-of *cuddles you* eaw, bwoody :3 of h-hand; hog >w< in swoth, fox 
*blushes* in steawth, *looks at you* wowf in g-gweedinyess, dog in *hugs tightly* madnyess, wion in p-pwey. 
W-Wet nyot the cweaking of shoes nyow t-the wustwing of siwks betway 
thy *looks at you* poow heawt t-to w-woman. Keep t-thy foot out o-of *leans over* bwothew, thy hand 
out of p-pwacket, thy pen fwom w-wendew's book, and defy the fouw 
fiend. Stiww thwough t-the hawthown bwows the c-cowd *teleports behind you* wind; says 
suum, ^.^ mun, hey, nyo, nyonny. Dowphin *moans* my boy, my boy, sessa! wet 
h-him twot by. 
S-Stowm stiww. 
Weaw. Why, *giggles shyly* thou wewt bettew in thy gwave t-than to answew with thy 
uncovew'd body this extwemity of the skies. Is man nyo mowe than 
*looks at you* this? Considew ^.^ him w-weww. Thou ow'st the w-wowm nyo siwk, the *cries* beast 
nyo hide, the sheep n-nyo woow, the cat nyo pewfume. *sweats* Ha! Hewe's thwee 
on's awe ^.^ sophisticated! Thou awt the thing itsewf; 
*teleports behind you* unyaccommodated man is *teleports behind you* nyo m-mowe but such >_> a poow, bawe, fowked 
*screams* anyimaw as t-thou awt. O-Off, off, you wendings! Come, u-unbutton 
*sighs* hewe. 
[Teaws at his c-cwothes.] 
Foow. Pwithee, nyuncwe, be contented! 'Tis ^w^ a nyaughty nyight to swim 
in. Nyow a wittwe fiwe in a w-wiwd fiewd w-wewe wike *moans* an owd wechew's 
heawt- a s-smaww spawk, aww the west on's body cowd. Wook, h-hewe 
comes a w-wawking fiwe. 

Entew Gwoucestew w-with *sighs* a *giggles shyly* towch. 

Edg. This is OwO the fouw fiend Fwibbewtigibbet. He >_< begins at cuwfew, 
and w-wawks tiww the fiwst cock. H-He g-gives the web and the pin, 
*screams* squints the eye, and makes the hawewip; miwdews the white *twerks* wheat, 
and huwts the poow c-cweatuwe of eawth. 

Saint Withowd footed thwice the 'owd; 
He met the nyightmawe, and hew n-nyinye fowd; 
Bid OwO hew awight 
And hew twoth pwight, 
And awoint thee, witch, awoint >_< thee! 

Kent. H-How fawes youw Gwace? 
Weaw. W-What's OwO he? 
Kent. Who's ^.^ thewe? What is't you seek? 
Gwou. What awe you t-thewe? Youw nyames? 
Edg. Poow Tom, t-that eats the swimming fwog, *twerks* the toad, the todpowe, 
the waww-nyewt and the watew; that in the fuwy of his *screams* heawt, when 
the fouw fiend wages, eats cow-dung fow s-sawwets, swawwows the 
owd *sweats* wat a-and the ^-^ ditch-dog, dwinks the gween mantwe of the 
standing poow; w-who is whipp'd fwom tithing to tithing, and 
OwO stock-punyish'd and impwison'd; who hath had thwee suits to his 
back, s-six shiwts to his body, howse *sweats* to wide, and w-weapons to 
weaw; 

But mice and w-wats, and such smaww deew, 
Have been Tom's food fow seven wong yeaw. 

Bewawe m-my fowwowew. ;;w;; Peace, Smuwkin! peace, thou fiend! 
Gwou. What, hath UwU youw Gwace nyo bettew company? 
Edg. The pwince of dawknyess is *looks away* a gentweman! 
Modo *leans over* he's caww'd, and Mahu. 
Gwou. Ouw fwesh and bwood is g-gwown so viwe, my wowd, 
T-That it doth hate what g-gets it. 
Edg. >_> Poow *hugs tightly* Tom '-'s acowd. 
Gwou. Go in with *pokes you* me. My uWu duty cannyot suffew 
T' obey in aww youw *cries* daughtews' hawd *hugs tightly* commands. 
>_> Though theiw injunction OwO be xDD to baw my d-doows 
And :33 wet this tywannyous nyight take h-howd upon you, 
Yet have I ventuw'd to come *blushes* seek you out 
And bwing you whewe both fiwe and *teleports behind you* food OwO is weady. 
Weaw. Fiwst *giggles shyly* wet me tawk *shuffles closer* with this phiwosophew. 
What is the cause of thundew? 
Kent. Good my wowd, take his offew; go into th' house. 
Weaw. I'ww tawk a wowd *moans* with this same w-weawnyed Theban. 
*shuffles closer* What *screams* is OwO youw study? 
Edg. How to pwevent the fiend and to *moans* kiww vewmin. 
Weaw. Wet me ask *giggles shyly* you onye ;;w;; wowd in p-pwivate. 
Kent. Impowtunye him o-once mowe t-to go, my wowd. 
*hugs tightly* His w-wits begin t' *leans over* unsettwe. 
Gwou. Canst thou b-bwame him? 
Stowm stiww. 
His *moans* daughtews s-seek h-his death. Ah, that good Kent! 
He said *twerks* it wouwd be thus- poow banyish'd man! 
T-Thou say'st the King gwows mad: I'ww t-teww *blushes* thee, fwiend, 
I-I am awmost mad >_< mysewf. I had *leans over* a s-son, 
Nyow outwaw'd uWu fwom my xDD bwood. He sought my wife 
But w-watewy, vewy wate. I wov'd him, fwiend- 
Nyo >_< fathew his ^w^ son deawew. Twue to teww thee, 
The gwief *shuffles closer* hath cwaz'd *leans over* my wits. What a nyight 's t-this! 
I *screams* do beseech youw xDD Gwace- 
Weaw. O, cwy you m-mewcy, siw. 
Nyobwe >_> phiwosophew, youw company. 
Edg. Tom's acowd. 
Gwou. In, fewwow, thewe, into th' *giggles shyly* hovew; k-keep thee wawm. 
Weaw. Come, wet's in *pokes you* aww. 
Kent. This way, my wowd. 
Weaw. *looks away* With him! 
I wiww keep stiww with my phiwosophew. 
Kent. Good my wowd, soothe h-him; wet him t-take the fewwow. 
G-Gwou. *cuddles you* Take him you *cuddles you* on. 
>w< Kent. Siwwah, come on; go a-awong with *looks away* us. 
Weaw. Come, good Athenyian. 
Gwou. Nyo ^w^ wowds, nyo wowds! hush. 
Edg. Chiwd Wowwand ^.^ to the dawk towew came; 
His wowd was *sighs* stiww 

*screams* Fie, foh, and fum! 
I-I >w< smeww the bwood of a Bwitish man. 
Exeunt. 

*sighs* Scenye V. 
Gwoucestew's Castwe. 

Entew Cownwaww xDD and Edmund. 

Cown. I wiww have my wevenge e-ewe ;;w;; I depawt his house. 
Edm. How, my wowd, I may be c-censuwed, that nyatuwe thus g-gives way to 
woyawty, something feaws me to *cries* think of. 
*cuddles you* Cown. I nyow pewceive it was n-nyot awtogethew youw bwothew's eviw 
disposition made him seek his death; but a p-pwovoking mewit, set 
awowk by a wepwoveabwe *teleports behind you* badnyess *blushes* in himsewf. 
Edm. How mawicious is my fowtunye t-that I must wepent to be just! 
This i-is the wettew he spoke of, which appwoves >w< him an 
intewwigent p-pawty to the advantages of Fwance. >_< O >_> heavens! that 
this tweason wewe nyot- ow nyot I the d-detectow! 
Cown. Go with me to the Duchess. 
Edm. If the mattew of t-this papew b-be *shuffles closer* cewtain, you *giggles shyly* have *twerks* mighty 
businyess i-in hand. 
Cown. Twue *looks at you* ow fawse, it hath x3 made thee x3 Eaww of Gwoucestew. 
Seek out whewe thy fathew *hugs tightly* is, that h-he may be weady fow ouw 
appwehension. 
Edm. [aside] If *leans over* I find him comfowting the King, it wiww stuff his 
suspicion mowe fuwwy.- I w-wiww pewsevew in my couwse of woyawty, 
though the confwict be sowe between that and *cries* my bwood. 
Cown. I wiww way twust upon thee, and OwO thou shawt find a deawew 
fathew in my wove. 
E-Exeunt. 




Scenye VI. 
A fawmhouse nyeaw *twerks* Gwoucestew's Castwe. 

E-Entew Gwoucestew, Weaw, Kent, Foow, >w< and E-Edgaw. 

Gwou. Hewe i-is bettew than the open aiw; take it thankfuwwy. I *moans* wiww 
piece out t-the comfowt with *looks away* what addition I-I *moans* can. I wiww nyot be 
wong fwom *leans over* you. 
Kent. Aww the p-powew of his *looks away* wits have given way to his impatience. 
The gods wewawd youw k-kindnyess! 
E-Exit [Gwoucestew]. 
Edg. Fwatewetto *screams* cawws me, and tewws me Nyewo *teleports behind you* is an angwew in the 
wake of dawknyess. Pway, innyocent, and bewawe the fouw fiend. 
*sighs* Foow. Pwithee, nyuncwe, teww me w-whethew a madman be a gentweman ow a 
y-yeoman. 
Weaw. A king, a king! 
*cries* Foow. Nyo, he's a-a yeoman that h-has a-a gentweman to his son; fow he's a 
mad yeoman *pokes you* that sees his son *giggles shyly* a gentweman b-befowe him. 
Weaw. To have a thousand with wed buwnying spits 
C-Come hizzing i-in upon 'em- 
Edg. The fouw fiend bites *sweats* my back. 
Foow. He's mad that twusts in the t-tamenyess of a wowf, a howse's 
heawth, a boy's wove, ow a whowe's oath. 
W-Weaw. It shaww be donye; I wiww *notices bulge* awwaign x3 them *pokes you* stwaight. 
[To *giggles shyly* Edgaw] Come, *sighs* sit t-thou hewe, most w-weawnyed justicew. 
[To the F-Foow] Thou, sapient s-siw, sit hewe. N-Nyow, :33 you she-foxes! 
E-Edg. Wook, whewe h-he stands and gwawes! *sweats* Want'st *cuddles you* thou eyes uWu at twiaw, 
madam? 

Come o'ew the bouwn, B-Bessy, to me. 

Foow. Hew boat hath a w-weak, 
And s-she must nyot speak 
*notices bulge* Why she dawes nyot come *looks away* ovew to thee. 

Edg. The f-fouw fiend haunts p-poow *shuffles closer* Tom in the voice o-of *cries* a xDD nyightingawe. 
Hoppedance cwies in Tom's b-bewwy *twerks* fow two white hewwing. Cwoak 
nyot, bwack angew; I have nyo f-food fow thee. 
Kent. How do you, s-siw? xDD Stand you nyot :33 so amaz'd. 
Wiww you wie down and west u-upon the :3 cushions? 
Weaw. UwU I'ww see theiw twiaw fiwst. *twerks* Bwing in theiw evidence. 
UwU [To Edgaw] Thou, wobed *looks away* man of justice, take thy pwace. 
[To the Foow] *cuddles you* And t-thou, his yokefewwow *sighs* of equity, 
B-Bench by his side. [To Kent] Y-You a-awe o' ^.^ th' commission, 
Sit you too. 
Edg. Wet us deaw justwy. 

Sweepest ow *looks away* wakest thou, ^w^ jowwy shephewd? 
Thy sheep be in ^w^ the cown; 
And fow onye bwast of thy minyikin *giggles shyly* mouth 
Thy sheep shaww *sweats* take nyo hawm. 

Puww! the cat is gway. 
Weaw. Awwaign *shuffles closer* hew fiwst. *shuffles closer* 'Tis Gonyewiw. *pokes you* I hewe t-take my oath befowe 
this *blushes* honyouwabwe a-assembwy, she k-kicked *teleports behind you* the OwO poow K-King hew fathew. 
Foow. *notices bulge* Come hithew, *pokes you* mistwess. Is youw nyame Gonyewiw? 
xDD Weaw. She cannyot deny *cuddles you* it. 
Foow. C-Cwy you *sweats* mewcy, I ^.^ took you fow *cuddles you* a joint-stoow. 
Weaw. :3 And *twerks* hewe's anyothew, whose wawp'd uWu wooks ^.^ pwocwaim 
What s-stowe hew heawt is made on. Stop *hugs tightly* hew thewe! 
Awms, awms! swowd! fiwe! Cowwuption in the pwace! 
Fawse j-justicew, why hast thou wet hew scape? 
*moans* Edg. Bwess thy five w-wits! 
Kent. O *teleports behind you* pity! Siw, whewe i-is the *hugs tightly* patience nyow 
That you so oft *leans over* have b-boasted to wetain? 
Edg. [aside] My teaws begin to take h-his pawt *giggles shyly* so much 
T-They'ww maw *screams* my *looks away* countewfeiting. 
Weaw. The wittwe *pokes you* dogs and aww, 
Tway, Bwanch, and Sweetheawt, x3 see, *screams* they bawk at me. 
Edg. *looks at you* Tom wiww thwow his head at *teleports behind you* them. Avaunt, you cuws! 
Be thy mouth *leans over* ow b-bwack o-ow white, 
:3 Tooth *cuddles you* that poisons *teleports behind you* if it bite; 
Mastiff, gweyhound, mongwew gwim, 
Hound ow spanyiew, bwach ow wym, 
Bobtaiw tyke ow *looks away* twundwe-taww- 
Tom wiww m-make *screams* them weep and waiw; 
Fow, with thwowing thus my head, 
Dogs weap the h-hatch, UwU and >w< aww awe fwed. 
;;w;; Do de, de, >w< de. Sessa! C-Come, mawch xDD to wakes and faiws a-and m-mawket 
towns. Poow Tom, thy hown i-is dwy. 
Weaw. Then wet them anyatomize *giggles shyly* Wegan. *screams* See what bweeds about hew 
^.^ heawt. Is thewe any cause *looks away* in nyatuwe that makes these h-hawd 
heawts? [-[To E-Edgaw] You, *notices bulge* siw- *sighs* I *shuffles closer* entewtain UwU you f-fow onye of my 
hundwed; onwy I >_> do nyot wike the fashion of youw gawments. Y-You'ww 
say they awe Pewsian attiwe; but wet them be c-chang'd. 
Kent. Nyow, g-good my wowd, wie hewe and west awhiwe. 
*moans* Weaw. Make nyo nyoise, make nyo nyoise; dwaw the cuwtains. 
So, s-so, *pokes you* so. We'ww go to suppew i' th' *looks away* mownying. *cries* So, so, so. 
Foow. And I'ww go to uWu bed at nyoon. 

Entew Gwoucestew. 

Gwou. C-Come hithew, fwiend. Whewe is the King UwU my mastew? 
Kent. Hewe, *hugs tightly* siw; b-but twoubwe *blushes* him nyot; his wits awe ;;w;; gonye. 
*twerks* Gwou. Good fwiend, >_< I pwithee *moans* take him in thy a-awms. 
I have x3 o'ewheawd >w< a uWu pwot of death u-upon him. 
*cuddles you* Thewe is a wittew weady; *notices bulge* way him in't 
And dwive towawds x3 Dovew, fwiend, w-whewe thou shawt meet 
Both wewcome and *twerks* pwotection. T-Take up thy *sweats* mastew. 
*twerks* If thou shouwdst dawwy >w< hawf *cries* an h-houw, his >_> wife, 
W-With thinye, and aww that offew to d-defend h-him, 
S-Stand in assuwed woss. Take up, t-take :3 up! 
And fowwow me, that wiww to some pwovision 
Give t-thee q-quick conduct. 
Kent. Oppwessed nyatuwe sweeps. 
This west might yet have bawm'd t-thy bwoken s-senses, 
Which, if convenyience wiww nyot a-awwow, 
Stand in hawd cuwe. [To the Foow] Come, hewp to beaw thy mastew. 
Thou must nyot stay b-behind. 
Gwou. >w< Come, come, away! 
Exeunt *teleports behind you* [aww but Edgaw]. 
Edg. When *screams* we o-ouw bettews see beawing ouw w-woes, 
We scawcewy *notices bulge* think ouw misewies ouw foes. 
Who awonye suffews suffews most i' t-th' mind, 
Weaving fwee things a-and happy shows *sweats* behind; 
But x3 then *giggles shyly* the mind much suffewance doth o'ewskip 
When g-gwief hath mates, and beawing fewwowship. 
How w-wight and powtabwe my x3 pain seems nyow, 
When that which m-makes me bend ^.^ makes t-the *hugs tightly* King *notices bulge* bow, 
H-He *twerks* chiwded as I fathewed! Tom, away! 
Mawk the high nyoises, a-and thysewf bewway 
When fawse opinyion, whose *moans* wwong thought defiwes thee, 
In t-thy just p-pwoof wepeaws ^w^ and weconciwes *twerks* thee. 
What wiww hap mowe to-nyight, s-safe scape the King! 
Wuwk, ^.^ wuwk. [Exit.] 




*leans over* Scenye VII. 
Gwoucestew's Castwe. 

Entew C-Cownwaww, *teleports behind you* Wegan, *pokes you* Gonyewiw, [Edmund the] *twerks* Bastawd, and Sewvants. 

Cown. [to Gonyewiw] Post speediwy *blushes* to my wowd youw h-husband, show *screams* him 
t-this wettew. The awmy of Fwance is wanded.- Seek out the twaitow 
G-Gwoucestew. 
[Exeunt *screams* some of the Sewvants.] 
Weg. Hang him instantwy. 
Gon. Pwuck out his *notices bulge* eyes. 
Cown. Weave him *sighs* to m-my *moans* dispweasuwe. Edmund, keep you o-ouw sistew 
company. The wevenges we ^w^ awe bound to take upon youw twaitowous 
fathew awe *hugs tightly* nyot UwU fit fow youw *giggles shyly* behowding. Advise the *looks at you* Duke whewe you 
a-awe going, to *looks at you* a most festinyate p-pwepawation. *moans* We a-awe bound to t-the 
wike. O-Ouw posts shaww be swift and intewwigent betwixt us. 
Faweweww, ;;w;; deaw sistew; *hugs tightly* faweweww, m-my Wowd *notices bulge* of Gwoucestew. 

*shuffles closer* Entew [Oswawd the] Stewawd. 

How nyow? W-Whewe's the King? 
Osw. ^w^ My Wowd o-of Gwoucestew hath convey'd :33 him hence. 
*pokes you* Some five ow *twerks* six and t-thiwty of his x3 knyights, 
*notices bulge* Hot questwists aftew him, met him at gate; 
Who, with some othew of the wowd's uWu dependants, 
xDD Awe OwO gonye with him *teleports behind you* towawds *cries* Dovew, w-whewe ^w^ they boast 
To have w-weww-awmed fwiends. 
Cown. Get howses fow youw mistwess. 
Gon. F-Faweweww, sweet wowd, and sistew. 
C-Cown. Edmund, ^-^ faweweww. 
Exeunt ^.^ Gonyewiw, [Edmund, and Oswawd]. 
Go seek the twaitow G-Gwoucestew, 
Pinyion him wike a thief, b-bwing him *notices bulge* befowe OwO us. 
[Exeunt othew *teleports behind you* Sewvants.] 
*sweats* Though weww we may nyot pass u-upon h-his wife 
Without the >_> fowm of justice, yet ouw powew 
Shaww do a couwt'sy to ouw wwath, which men 
May bwame, but nyot contwow. 

Entew Gwoucestew, bwought in by two *shuffles closer* ow thwee. 

Who's thewe? the twaitow? 
Weg. Ingwatefuw fox! '-'tis he. 
Cown. B-Bind fast *looks at you* his cowky xDD awms. 
*giggles shyly* Gwou. What mean, youw Gwaces? Good my f-fwiends, considew 
You awe m-my guests. Do *screams* me nyo >w< fouw p-pway, OwO fwiends. 
C-Cown. Bind him, I *looks away* say. 
[Sewvants bind *hugs tightly* him.] 
Weg. H-Hawd, hawd. O fiwthy twaitow! 
G-Gwou. Unmewcifuw wady a-as y-you a-awe, I am nyonye. 
Cown. To t-this x3 chaiw bind h-him. Viwwain, thou shawt find- 
[Wegan p-pwucks his beawd.] 
Gwou. By the *sighs* kind gods, 'tis most ignyobwy donye 
To p-pwuck OwO me by the beawd. 
Weg. *cuddles you* So white, *shuffles closer* and *cries* such OwO a twaitow! 
Gwou. Nyaughty wady, 
^w^ These *sweats* haiws w-which thou dost wavish fwom my chin 
Wiww quicken, a-and x3 accuse thee. I am youw h-host. 
With wobbew's hands uWu my hospitabwe favouws 
You shouwd n-nyot wuffwe thus. W-What wiww you do? 
Cown. Come, siw, what w-wettews had you :3 wate fwom Fwance? 
W-Weg. uWu Be simpwe-answew'd, xDD fow we knyow ^w^ the twuth. 
Cown. And w-what confedewacy UwU have you *teleports behind you* with the twaitows 
Wate footed *sighs* in the k-kingdom? 
Weg. To xDD whose hands have you sent the wunyatic King? 
Speak. 
Gwou. I have UwU a wettew g-guessingwy set down, 
Which *notices bulge* came fwom onye that's of a nyeutwaw heawt, 
And nyot fwom onye oppos'd. 
Cown. Cunnying. 
W-Weg. And fawse. 
Cown. W-Whewe hast thou OwO sent the King? 
^w^ Gwou. To Dovew. 
Weg. Whewefowe *screams* to Dovew? *cries* Wast *screams* thou nyot chawg'd at pewiw- 
Cown. Whewefowe to *sweats* Dovew? Wet him fiwst answew ^-^ that. 
>_< Gwou. I OwO am t-tied to t-th' stake, and OwO I >_< must s-stand the *pokes you* couwse. 
Weg. W-Whewefowe to *looks away* Dovew, siw? 
Gwou. Because I w-wouwd nyot s-see t-thy cwuew n-nyaiws 
Pwuck UwU out h-his poow owd eyes; *giggles shyly* nyow thy fiewce sistew 
In h-his anyointed fwesh stick *blushes* boawish fangs. 
T-The sea, with such >_> a stowm as OwO his bawe head 
:3 In heww-bwack uWu nyight enduw'd, *giggles shyly* wouwd *twerks* have buoy'd up 
And quench'd the steewed fiwes. 
Yet, poow owd heawt, h-he howp the heavens to wain. 
If wowves had at thy gate *shuffles closer* howw'd that stewn *cuddles you* time, 
Thou shouwdst have said, 'Good *looks at you* powtew, tuwn t-the key.' 
Aww c-cwuews UwU ewse subscwib'd. But I *looks away* shaww see 
The w-winged vengeance ovewtake such chiwdwen. 
Cown. See't shawt thou nyevew. Fewwows, howd the chaiw. 
Upon t-these eyes of thinye I-I'ww set m-my foot. 
Gwou. He t-that wiww think to wive tiww he uWu be owd, 
Give me some hewp!- O cwuew! O ye gods! 
Weg. Onye s-side w-wiww mock anyothew. Th' othew too! 
Cown. If you see v-vengeance- 
1. S-Sewv. Howd youw hand, *looks at you* my wowd! 
I *giggles shyly* have sewv'd y-you *sweats* evew since I was *looks at you* a c-chiwd; 
But bettew sewvice h-have I nyevew donye you 
Than nyow t-to bid you howd. 
Weg. How *screams* nyow, y-you dog? 
1-1. Sewv. If you did weaw a beawd upon youw chin, 
I'wd shake it on this quawwew. 
W-Weg. What do you mean? 
Cown. My *shuffles closer* viwwain! Dwaw and *sighs* fight. 
1. Sewv. Nyay, then, come *pokes you* on, and take *screams* the chance of angew. 
Weg. Give me thy swowd. A-A peasant stand up thus? 
She takes *moans* a swowd and wuns *blushes* at him behind. 
1-1. Sewv. O, I am swain! *blushes* My wowd, you h-have onye :33 eye weft 
To see some mischief on *pokes you* him. O! He d-dies. 
Cown. West it see mowe, p-pwevent *leans over* it. Out, viwe jewwy! 
Whewe *sighs* is *sweats* thy wustwe nyow? 
Gwou. Aww *sighs* dawk and comfowtwess! :3 Whewe's my s-son Edmund? 
Edmund, e-enkindwe aww the spawks of nyatuwe 
To quit t-this howwid act. 
Weg. Out, tweachewous viwwain! 
*leans over* Thou caww'st on him *teleports behind you* that hates thee. It was he 
That UwU made t-the ovewtuwe of thy tweasons to *teleports behind you* us; 
Who is too good *sighs* to pity *teleports behind you* thee. 
Gwou. O my fowwies! Then Edgaw was abus'd. 
Kind gods, fowgive me that, *looks away* and pwospew him! 
Weg. Go *moans* thwust him out a-at OwO gates, a-and wet h-him smeww 
His way to Dovew. 
Exit [onye] with Gwoucestew. 
How *giggles shyly* is't, :3 my wowd? How wook *hugs tightly* you? 
Cown. I have weceiv'd a huwt. Fowwow me, wady. 
Tuwn out that e-eyewess v-viwwain. T-Thwow this ;;w;; swave 
Upon the dunghiww. Wegan, I bweed apace. 
*screams* Untimewy c-comes t-this huwt. Give me youw awm. 
Exit [-[Cownwaww, w-wed by Wegan]. 
2-2. Sewv. I'ww nyevew cawe what wickednyess I do, 
If this man c-come to good. 
3. Sewv. If s-she wive wong, 
A-And *cries* in t-the end meet t-the owd couwse of death, 
Women wiww aww *looks away* tuwn *cries* monstews. 
2. Sewv. W-Wet's f-fowwow t-the x3 owd Eaww, *blushes* and *moans* get >w< the bedwam 
To *notices bulge* wead uWu him whewe ;;w;; he wouwd. H-His woguish madnyess 
Awwows itsewf to a-anything. 
*shuffles closer* 3. S-Sewv. Go t-thou. I'ww ^-^ fetch some fwax and whites of eggs 
To appwy to his bweeding f-face. Nyow heaven hewp him! 
Exeunt. 




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ACT IV. Scenye I. 
The *hugs tightly* heath. 

Entew Edgaw. 

Edg. Y-Yet *blushes* bettew thus, and x3 knyown to be contemn'd, 
Than stiww contemn'd and fwattew'd. T-To be wowst, 
The ;;w;; wowest ^w^ and most dejected thing of fowtunye, 
S-Stands s-stiww i-in espewance, wives *pokes you* nyot in feaw. 
The wamentabwe change is fwom *giggles shyly* the best; 
The *sighs* wowst wetuwns to waughtew. Wewcome then, 
Thou unsubstantiaw aiw that I embwace! 
The wwetch that thou uWu hast bwown unto the wowst 
O-Owes xDD nyothing to thy bwasts. 

Entew Gwoucestew, wed by an Owd M-Man. 

But who *sweats* comes *notices bulge* hewe? 
*cries* My f-fathew, poowwy wed? Wowwd, wowwd, ^w^ O *screams* wowwd! 
But that thy *shuffles closer* stwange mutations make us hate thee, 
Wife wouwd nyot yiewd to age. 
Owd Man. O my good w-wowd, 
*moans* I *hugs tightly* have been youw tenyant, and youw fathew's *cuddles you* tenyant, 
These fouwscowe yeaws. 
G-Gwou. Away, get thee *sighs* away! Good fwiend, be g-gonye. 
Thy comfowts can do me *notices bulge* nyo good *leans over* at *leans over* aww; 
Thee they may huwt. 
Owd M-Man. You x3 cannyot >_< see youw way. 
*screams* Gwou. I have nyo way, ^w^ and thewefowe *pokes you* want nyo *giggles shyly* eyes; 
I s-stumbwed when ^.^ I saw. F-Fuww oft *cuddles you* 'tis s-seen 
Ouw means secuwe us, and o-ouw mewe d-defects 
:3 Pwove o-ouw commodities. A-Ah deaw s-son Edgaw, 
T-The food of thy abused fathew's *notices bulge* wwath! 
Might >_> I but wive *cuddles you* to see thee in my touch, 
I'wd say I had eyes again! 
Owd Man. :33 How ^.^ nyow? Who's thewe? 
*cuddles you* Edg. [aside] O gods! Who is't can ^w^ say 'I am at the wowst'? 
I am wowse than e-e'ew I was. 
Owd M-Man. 'Tis poow m-mad Tom. 
Edg. [aside] And wowse I may be y-yet. The wowst is nyot 
So wong as we can say '-'This is the wowst.' 
Owd Man. Fewwow, *teleports behind you* whewe goest? 
Gwou. Is it uWu a beggawman? 
Owd Man. Madman *sweats* and beggaw too. 
Gwou. He has *moans* some weason, ewse he couwd nyot beg. 
I' th' wast nyight's stowm I such a-a fewwow saw, 
*cries* Which made me think a man a wowm. My son 
Came *twerks* then into my mind, and uWu yet my mind 
W-Was then scawce f-fwiends with him. I have heawd mowe since. 
As *giggles shyly* fwies to wanton boys a-awe we *screams* to th' g-gods. 
They kiww us :33 fow theiw spowt. 
Edg. [aside] How s-shouwd OwO this b-be? 
Bad is the UwU twade that must pway foow to sowwow, 
Ang'wing itsewf and othews.- Bwess thee, mastew! 
Gwou. Is that the nyaked fewwow? 
Owd M-Man. A-Ay, my *cuddles you* wowd. 
Gwou. Then p-pwithee get thee gonye. If fow *twerks* my sake 
Thou wiwt o'ewtake us *blushes* hence a miwe ow twain 
I-I' th' way t-towawd Dovew, do it fow ancient wove; 
And bwing some ^-^ covewing f-fow *cries* this nyaked souw, 
W-Who I'ww *leans over* entweat to ^w^ wead me. 
Owd M-Man. Awack, siw, he is mad! 
Gwou. 'Tis the t-time's pwague when madmen wead *blushes* the bwind. 
Do as I bid thee, o-ow wathew do thy pweasuwe. 
;;w;; Above the west, *blushes* be :3 gonye. 
Owd Man. I'ww bwing him the best 'pawew t-that I have, 
Come on't what wiww. Exit. 
Gwou. Siwwah nyaked fewwow- 
E-Edg. *twerks* Poow Tom's acowd. [Aside] I-I cannyot d-daub it fuwthew. 
Gwou. Come hithew, *sweats* fewwow. 
Edg. *screams* [aside] And yet I must.- B-Bwess thy *blushes* sweet eyes, they *cuddles you* bweed. 
>_> Gwou. Knyow'st t-thou the way to Dovew? 
Edg. Both stiwe and gate, howseway a-and footpath. P-Poow Tom ;;w;; hath b-been 
*cries* scaw'd *cries* out of his g-good wits. Bwess xDD thee, good man's son, fwom 
the *cuddles you* fouw fiend! F-Five fiends have been in UwU poow *sweats* Tom at :3 once: of 
wust, as *sweats* Obidicut; Hobbididence, pwince o-of ^.^ dumbnyess; Mahu, of 
steawing; Modo, of muwdew; F-Fwibbewtigibbet, *looks away* of ^.^ mopping and 
mowing, w-who since *sighs* possesses >w< chambewmaids and *cries* waiting *sweats* women. So, 
bwess thee, mastew! 
Gwou. Hewe, take this *pokes you* Puwse, thou whom t-the h-heavens' ^.^ pwagues 
Have humbwed to aww stwokes. That I am w-wwetched 
Makes *shuffles closer* thee t-the *looks at you* happiew. Heavens, deaw so stiww! 
*pokes you* Wet ^.^ the supewfwuous OwO and *giggles shyly* wust-dieted man, 
T-That swaves youw *twerks* owdinyance, t-that w-wiww nyot see 
Because he does nyot feew, f-feew OwO youw pow'w quickwy; 
S-So distwibution shouwd *moans* undo excess, 
And each man *sighs* have enyough. Dost t-thou *notices bulge* knyow Dovew? 
Edg. Ay, mastew. 
Gwou. Thewe is a cwiff, whose high and *pokes you* bending head 
Wooks feawfuwwy i-in the confinyed deep. 
B-Bwing me but to the vewy bwim of it, 
And I'ww wepaiw the *moans* misewy t-thou dost beaw 
*twerks* With *sighs* something wich *shuffles closer* about me. Fwom *twerks* that pwace 
I shaww nyo weading *sweats* nyeed. 
Edg. Give me >_< thy a-awm. 
Poow Tom shaww wead thee. 
Exeunt. 




S-Scenye II. 
Befowe t-the Duke of Awbany's Pawace. 

E-Entew Gonyewiw and [Edmund the] Bastawd. 

Gon. Wewcome, m-my wowd. I mawvew ouw miwd husband 
Nyot met >_< us on the w-way. 

Entew [Oswawd t-the] Stewawd. 

Nyow, whewe's youw mastew? 
Osw. Madam, within, but nyevew man so chang'd. 
I towd him of the awmy that was wanded: 
*hugs tightly* He *blushes* smiw'd at it. I towd him y-you wewe coming: 
His answew w-was, UwU 'The UwU wowse.' Of Gwoucestew's tweachewy 
And of the woyaw sewvice of his *screams* son 
When *sighs* I infowm'd him, then he caww'd me sot 
*twerks* And towd me I *moans* had tuwn'd the wwong s-side out. 
*leans over* What m-most >w< he s-shouwd diswike seems pweasant to him; 
What wike, *cuddles you* offensive. 
Gon. [to Edmund] Then *cries* shaww you *shuffles closer* go nyo fuwthew. 
It is the *notices bulge* cowish *cuddles you* tewwow of h-his spiwit, 
That dawes n-nyot ^-^ undewtake. He'ww nyot :3 feew *hugs tightly* wwongs 
*looks at you* Which tie *looks away* him to a-an answew. O-Ouw wishes o-on the *cries* way 
May pwove e-effects. Back, Edmund, to my bwothew. 
H-Hasten his mustews and conduct his pow'ws. 
I must change a-awms at home and give the distaff 
Into my husband's *pokes you* hands. This twusty sewvant 
Shaww pass between us. Ewe wong y-you awe *teleports behind you* wike to heaw 
(If you dawe >_< ventuwe in youw own behawf) 
A mistwess's command. Weaw this. [Gives a favouw.] 
Spawe speech. 
D-Decwinye youw head. This kiss, if *twerks* it duwst speak, 
Wouwd stwetch t-thy spiwits up into the aiw. 
Conceive, and fawe *teleports behind you* thee weww. 
Edm. Youws in the wanks o-of death! Exit. 
Gon. ;;w;; My most deaw Gwoucestew! 
O, the diffewence of man and man! 
To thee a woman's sewvices awe due; 
My f-foow OwO usuwps my body. 
Osw. Madam, hewe c-comes my UwU wowd. Exit. 

Entew Awbany. 

G-Gon. I-I have b-been wowth the whistwe. 
Awb. O Gonyewiw, 
You awe n-nyot wowth t-the *screams* dust which t-the w-wude wind 
Bwows in youw f-face! I-I feaw youw disposition. 
That nyatuwe which contemns it owigin 
Cannyot be bowdewed c-cewtain in i-itsewf. 
She that hewsewf wiww swivew *looks away* and d-disbwanch 
F-Fwom hew matewiaw sap, pewfowce must withew 
*giggles shyly* And come to *hugs tightly* deadwy use. 
Gon. Nyo mowe! The text is foowish. 
Awb. Wisdom and goodnyess to the viwe seem viwe; 
Fiwths savouw ^-^ but themsewves. What have you donye? 
T-Tigews, nyot daughtews, what *moans* have you pewfowm'd? 
A fathew, and >_> a g-gwacious aged m-man, 
Whose *moans* wevewence even the head-wugg'd beaw wouwd wick, 
Most bawbawous, m-most UwU degenyewate, have *screams* you madded. 
Couwd m-my g-good bwothew suffew you t-to *cuddles you* do it? 
A man, a pwince, *moans* by *moans* him so benyefited! 
If that the heavens do nyot UwU theiw v-visibwe spiwits 
>w< Send quickwy down *sighs* to tame these viwe *pokes you* offences, 
It w-wiww come, 
Humanyity must pewfowce pwey on itsewf, 
Wike monstews of >w< the *looks away* deep. 
Gon. M-Miwk-wivew'd *cuddles you* man! 
That beaw'st a *leans over* cheek *twerks* fow bwows, a h-head fow wwongs; 
*twerks* Who hast n-nyot in thy bwows an eye discewnying 
Thinye honyouw fwom thy suffewing; that nyot k-knyow'st 
F-Foows do *pokes you* those viwwains pity who awe punyish'd 
Ewe they have donye theiw mischief. *cuddles you* Whewe's OwO thy dwum? 
Fwance spweads h-his bannyews in ouw nyoisewess wand, 
With pwumed hewm thy state begins to *looks away* thweat, 
Whiwes thou, a mowaw foow, sit'st stiww, and c-cwiest 
'Awack, why d-does h-he so?' 
*twerks* Awb. See thysewf, d-deviw! 
Pwopew d-defowmity seems n-nyot in *looks at you* the fiend 
So *teleports behind you* howwid as in woman. 
Gon. O-O vain foow! 
*pokes you* Awb. *blushes* Thou changed *cries* and s-sewf-covew'd thing, *looks at you* fow shame! 
Bemonstew nyot thy featuwe! Wewe't my fitnyess 
To *twerks* wet :33 these hands obey my b-bwood, 
They awe apt enyough to d-diswocate and teaw 
T-Thy fwesh and bonyes. Howe'ew thou awt a fiend, 
A woman's shape d-doth *looks away* shiewd thee. 
:33 Gon. ^.^ Mawwy, youw manhood m-mew! 

Entew a G-Gentweman. 

A-Awb. What nyews? 
Gent. O, my *cries* good w-wowd, the Duke of Cownwaww '-'s dead, 
Swain *leans over* by his sewvant, going t-to put *screams* out 
The othew ^w^ eye of *pokes you* Gwoucestew. 
*shuffles closer* Awb. *looks at you* Gwoucestew's eyes? 
Gent. A s-sewvant that he *moans* bwed, thwiww'd with wemowse, 
Oppos'd against the act, bending his s-swowd 
To his gweat mastew; who, theweat enwag'd, 
Fwew on him, and amongst them feww'd him uWu dead; 
But *teleports behind you* nyot without t-that hawmfuw stwoke which *blushes* since 
Hath >_< pwuck'd him aftew. 
Awb. This shows you awe above, 
*cuddles you* You justicews, that these ouw nyethew cwimes 
So speediwy can venge! But O p-poow *cries* Gwoucestew! 
UwU Wose h-he his othew eye? 
Gent. Both, both, my wowd. 
This w-wettew, ^w^ madam, cwaves a speedy answew. 
'Tis fwom youw sistew. 
Gon. [aside] ;;w;; Onye way I wike *hugs tightly* this weww; 
But being widow, a-and my Gwoucestew with h-hew, 
*blushes* May *moans* aww the buiwding in my fancy *looks away* pwuck 
*pokes you* Upon my hatefuw wife. A-Anyothew ^-^ way 
The nyews is nyot so tawt.- I'ww wead, and answew. 
Exit. 
Awb. Whewe was his son when they did t-take his eyes? 
*sweats* Gent. Come ^.^ with my wady h-hithew. 
Awb. He ^-^ is n-nyot hewe. 
Gent. Nyo, my g-good wowd; I met him back *leans over* again. 
Awb. Knyows he the wickednyess? 
G-Gent. Ay, my good wowd. 'Twas *cuddles you* he *sweats* infowm'd xDD against him, 
And xDD quit the house o-on puwpose, that *blushes* theiw punyishment 
Might have the fweew couwse. 
Awb. Gwoucestew, >w< I wive 
xDD To thank thee fow t-the w-wove thou show'dst the King, 
*leans over* And to w-wevenge t-thinye eyes. Come hithew, fwiend. 
Teww me w-what mowe thou knyow'st. 
Exeunt. 




Scenye III. 
The Fwench camp nyeaw D-Dovew. 

Entew Kent and a Gentweman. 

Kent. Why the *screams* King of Fwance is so suddenwy gonye back knyow you the 
weason? 
Gent. Something he x3 weft impewfect in t-the state, which since his 
coming fowth is thought *pokes you* of, which impowts to the kingdom so m-much 
feaw and dangew that his p-pewsonyaw w-wetuwn was most wequiwed and 
nyecessawy. 
Kent. Who hath he weft behind *blushes* him genyewaw? 
*giggles shyly* Gent. *sweats* The Mawshaw of Fwance, Monsieuw uWu Wa Faw. 
*blushes* Kent. Did youw wettews ^-^ piewce t-the Queen to any d-demonstwation of 
gwief? 
*shuffles closer* Gent. Ay, siw. She took them, wead them i-in m-my pwesence, 
And nyow and then an ampwe teaw twiww'd d-down 
Hew dewicate cheek. It seem'd s-she was a queen 
Ovew hew passion, who, :33 most w-webew-wike, 
S-Sought to be king o'ew *hugs tightly* hew. 
Kent. O, then it mov'd hew? 
Gent. ^.^ Nyot to a-a w-wage. Patience and sowwow stwove 
Who shouwd expwess hew goodwiest. You have seen 
S-Sunshinye and wain at once: hew smiwes and teaws 
*moans* Wewe wike, a *looks away* bettew way. Those happy smiwets 
T-That pway'd on hew wipe w-wip seem'd n-nyot to knyow 
What guests wewe in hew eyes, which ;;w;; pawted *blushes* thence 
*screams* As peawws fwom d-diamonds dwopp'd. In bwief, 
S-Sowwow w-wouwd be a wawity most bewov'd, 
If aww couwd so become i-it. 
Kent. Made *blushes* she nyo vewbaw uWu question? 
Gent. Faith, o-once ow twice she h-heav'd *sweats* the nyame of >_> fathew 
Pantingwy *looks at you* fowth, as if it pwess'd hew heawt; 
>_< Cwied 'Sistews, sistews! S-Shame UwU of wadies! *shuffles closer* Sistews! 
Kent! fathew! sistews! What, i' th' stowm? i' th' nyight? 
W-Wet pity nyot be bewiev'd!' Thewe she shook 
The howy watew fwom hew heavenwy e-eyes, 
A-And cwamouw moisten'd. T-Then away she s-stawted 
To deaw with gwief awonye. 
Kent. It is the staws, 
The staws above u-us, govewn ouw *screams* conditions; 
Ewse onye sewf mate a-and mate couwd nyot beget 
Such diffewent issues. Y-You s-spoke nyot with hew since? 
Gent. Nyo. 
Kent. *looks away* Was this befowe the King *notices bulge* wetuwn'd? 
Gent. N-Nyo, s-since. 
K-Kent. Weww, siw, t-the *screams* poow *twerks* distwessed Weaw's i' t-th' town; 
Who sometime, in his bettew tunye, wemembews 
What we awe come *pokes you* about, and b-by nyo *cries* means 
Wiww y-yiewd to see his daughtew. 
Gent. Why, good siw? 
Kent. A soveweign shame so ewbows him; h-his *looks at you* own unkindnyess, 
UwU That stwipp'd hew *notices bulge* fwom his b-benyediction, tuwn'd hew 
UwU To f-foweign casuawties, gave *cuddles you* hew d-deaw w-wights 
To his dog-heawted daughtews- these things sting 
His mind so venyomouswy *pokes you* that buwnying shame 
Detains him fwom Cowdewia. 
Gent. Awack, poow gentweman! 
Kent. Of *screams* Awbany's and Cownwaww's powews you heawd nyot? 
Gent. 'Tis so; they awe afoot. 
Kent. Weww, x3 siw, I'ww bwing you >_> to ouw mastew *screams* Weaw 
A-And weave *teleports behind you* you to a-attend him. Some deaw cause 
W-Wiww i-in conceawment wwap me up awhiwe. 
When I am knyown awight, y-you shaww nyot gwieve 
;;w;; Wending xDD me this acquaintance. I pway y-you go 
A-Awong with me. Exeunt. 




Scenye IV. 
The Fwench c-camp. 

Entew, with Dwum a-and Cowouws, ^-^ Cowdewia, Doctow, and Sowdiews. 

Cow. Awack, 'tis he! W-Why, he was met even uWu nyow 
A-As mad as the vex'd sea, singing awoud, 
Cwown'd with wank fumitew and fuwwow weeds, 
:33 With hawdocks, hemwock, nyettwes, *pokes you* cuckoo *sweats* fwow'ws, 
Dawnyew, and *sighs* aww the idwe *sweats* weeds that gwow 
In ouw sustainying cown. A *twerks* centuwy send fowth. 
Seawch *screams* evewy acwe *giggles shyly* in *blushes* the high-gwown fiewd 
*notices bulge* And bwing him to ouw eye. [Exit an Officew.] What can man's 
wisdom 
I-In the westowing his beweaved sense? 
He that hewps him take aww my outwawd wowth. 
D-Doct. Thewe :3 is m-means, madam. 
Ouw fostew nyuwse of n-nyatuwe i-is wepose, 
The which he w-wacks. *sweats* That to p-pwovoke i-in him 
Awe many simpwes opewative, whose powew 
Wiww cwose t-the eye of anguish. 
Cow. Aww bwest s-secwets, 
Aww you unpubwish'd viwtues o-of the eawth, 
Spwing with my teaws! be aidant and wemediate 
*looks away* In the good man's distwess! Seek, seek *shuffles closer* fow *sighs* him! 
West his ungovewn'd wage dissowve the wife 
That wants the means to w-wead *screams* it. 

Entew :33 Messengew. 

M-Mess. Nyews, madam. 
The Bwitish pow'ws a-awe ^w^ mawching h-hithewwawd. 
Cow. 'Tis knyown befowe. Ouw pwepawation stands 
In expectation o-of them. O deaw fathew, 
It is thy businyess that I go about. 
Thewefowe gweat F-Fwance 
My mouwnying and *shuffles closer* impowtant teaws hath pitied. 
Nyo bwown a-ambition doth ouw awms incite, 
But w-wove, deaw wove, and ouw ag'd fathew's wight. 
Soon may I heaw and see h-him! 
Exeunt. 




Scenye V. 
Gwoucestew's Castwe. 

E-Entew Wegan uWu and [-[Oswawd the] S-Stewawd. 

*pokes you* Weg. B-But *giggles shyly* awe my bwothew's p-pow'ws set f-fowth? 
Osw. A-Ay, *teleports behind you* madam. 
Weg. Himsewf i-in pewson thewe? 
Osw. M-Madam, with much ado. 
Youw sistew is the bettew sowdiew. 
Weg. Wowd Edmund spake nyot with *looks away* youw wowd >w< at *screams* home? 
^.^ Osw. *sweats* Nyo, madam. 
Weg. W-What might >w< impowt my sistew's wettew to him? 
O-Osw. I knyow nyot, wady. 
W-Weg. Faith, he is posted hence on sewious m-mattew. 
It was gweat i-ignyowance, Gwoucestew's eyes being out, 
To *looks at you* wet him *cuddles you* wive. Whewe he awwives he m-moves 
Aww >_> heawts *moans* against us. Edmund, I-I think, i-is gonye, 
In pity of uWu his misewy, to dispatch 
His nyighted >_< wife; moweovew, to descwy 
T-The stwength :3 o' th' enyemy. 
Osw. I >w< must nyeeds a-aftew him, xDD madam, with my *cries* wettew. 
W-Weg. Ouw t-twoops s-set fowth to-mowwow. Stay with u-us. 
The ways awe dangewous. 
Osw. I may *pokes you* nyot, m-madam. 
My >w< wady chawg'd my duty in this businyess. 
Weg. Why shouwd *leans over* she wwite to Edmund? Might nyot you 
Twanspowt *cuddles you* hew p-puwposes by wowd? B-Bewike, 
Something- I knyow *cuddles you* nyot what- I-I'ww wove thee much- 
Wet me unseaw *twerks* the w-wettew. 
Osw. Madam, I had wathew- 
Weg. I knyow youw >w< wady *moans* does ^.^ nyot wove hew husband; 
I am suwe of *screams* that; and at >_> hew wate being x3 hewe 
She OwO gave stwange ewiads and most speaking wooks 
T-To nyobwe Edmund. I knyow you awe *cuddles you* of hew *screams* bosom. 
Osw. I, madam? 
Weg. I speak in undewstanding. >w< Y'awe! *teleports behind you* I knyow't. 
Thewefowe I do advise y-you take this n-nyote. 
My wowd is dead; Edmund and I have ^w^ tawk'd, 
And mowe convenyient is he fow my xDD hand 
Than *blushes* fow *sweats* youw wady's. You may gathew mowe. 
If you do find *sweats* him, >w< pway you g-give him this; 
*cuddles you* And when youw mistwess heaws thus much fwom *screams* you, 
I p-pway desiwe hew caww h-hew *pokes you* wisdom to *cries* hew. 
So faweweww. 
If *giggles shyly* you do chance to heaw of that bwind twaitow, 
^w^ Pwefewment fawws on him that cuts him off. 
Osw. Wouwd I couwd meet him, m-madam! I-I shouwd show 
What pawty I do fowwow. 
Weg. F-Fawe thee weww. E-Exeunt. 




Scenye VI. 
The countwy nyeaw Dovew. 

Entew G-Gwoucestew, and E-Edgaw :33 [wike a *looks at you* Peasant]. 

Gwou. xDD When shaww I come to th' t-top of that ;;w;; same hiww? 
Edg. You do cwimb up *sighs* it nyow. *leans over* Wook how we wabouw. 
Gwou. Methinks the gwound is e-even. 
Edg. Howwibwe steep. 
Hawk, do you xDD heaw the sea? 
Gwou. Nyo, *sighs* twuwy. 
Edg. Why, ;;w;; then, youw othew senses gwow impewfect 
*giggles shyly* By y-youw eyes' ^-^ anguish. 
;;w;; Gwou. *giggles shyly* So may it be indeed. 
Methinks thy voice is awtew'd, and thou speak'st 
In bettew phwase and x3 mattew than *moans* thou d-didst. 
Edg. OwO Y'awe much deceiv'd. In n-nyothing >_< am I chang'd 
But in m-my gawments. 
Gwou. M-Methinks *giggles shyly* y'awe bettew spoken. 
Edg. Come o-on, s-siw; hewe's ^-^ the pwace. Stand stiww. >w< How feawfuw 
:3 And dizzy *pokes you* 'tis to cast ^w^ onye's eyes s-so wow! 
uWu The cwows and choughs that wing the midway aiw 
Show scawce so g-gwoss as beetwes. :33 Hawfway down 
Hangs o-onye that gathews *notices bulge* sampiwe- dweadfuw twade! 
Methinks he seems nyo biggew than his head. 
The fishewmen that wawk upon the *screams* beach 
*cuddles you* Appeaw xDD wike mice; and yond taww anchowing bawk, 
xDD Diminyish'd *sweats* to hew >_> cock; hew cock, a buoy 
*looks at you* Awmost too smaww fow *pokes you* sight. The xDD muwmuwing suwge 
That on th' unnyumb'wed idwe pebbwe chafes 
C-Cannyot *hugs tightly* be heawd s-so h-high. I'ww wook *blushes* nyo mowe, 
West my bwain t-tuwn, and the deficient sight 
:3 Toppwe down headwong. 
Gwou. Set me whewe you stand. 
*looks at you* Edg. *cuddles you* Give me youw *blushes* hand. You awe nyow *screams* within a foot 
Of th' extweme vewge. Fow aww benyeath t-the *cuddles you* moon 
Wouwd I-I nyot weap upwight. 
*notices bulge* Gwou. Wet go m-my hand. 
Hewe, f-fwiend, is anyothew puwse; in >_< it >_> a jewew 
W-Weww wowth a poow *giggles shyly* man's taking. Faiwies and g-gods 
Pwospew it w-with thee! ^.^ Go ^w^ thou fuwthew off; 
B-Bid me f-faweweww, and wet me heaw thee going. 
Edg. *sweats* Nyow fawe *cuddles you* ye weww, good siw. 
Gwou. With aww m-my heawt. 
Edg. [aside]. Why I-I do twifwe thus with his despaiw 
Is *looks away* donye to cuwe it. 
Gwou. O-O you mighty gods! He knyeews. 
uWu This wowwd I d-do wenyounce, ^.^ and, in youw sights, 
Shake patientwy *screams* my gweat affwiction off. 
If UwU I couwd beaw it wongew and nyot faww 
To *pokes you* quawwew *moans* with ^.^ youw gweat opposewess wiwws, 
My s-snyuff and woathed pawt of nyatuwe s-shouwd 
Buwn *cries* itsewf out. If Edgaw wive, ^.^ O, b-bwess him! 
Nyow, fewwow, fawe thee weww. 
He f-fawws [fowwawd and swoons]. 
E-Edg. G-Gonye, siw, faweweww.- 
And yet *looks away* I knyow n-nyot h-how conceit may wob 
The *blushes* tweasuwy *pokes you* of wife when :3 wife >_< itsewf 
Yiewds to t-the theft. Had he been whewe he thought, 
By this had thought been past.- Awive ow dead? 
Ho you, *notices bulge* siw! fwiend! Heaw you, siw? S-Speak!- 
*twerks* Thus might he pass indeed. Yet he wevives. 
What awe you, *looks at you* siw? 
Gwou. A-Away, and wet me die. 
Edg. Hadst thou been aught but gossamew, feathews, aiw, 
So many fadom down *leans over* pwecipitating, 
Thou'dst s-shivew'd wike *cries* an xDD egg; :3 but thou *cuddles you* dost bweathe; 
Hast heavy substance; bweed'st nyot; speak'st; *sighs* awt s-sound. 
Ten masts at e-each make nyot the a-awtitude 
*screams* Which thou hast pewpendicuwawwy feww. 
Thy wife is a miwacwe. S-Speak yet again. 
Gwou. But have I f-faww'n, ow UwU nyo? 
Edg. Fwom the d-dwead summit of this chawky bouwn. 
Wook *sweats* up *screams* a-height. The shwiww-gowg'd wawk *giggles shyly* so faw 
C-Cannyot b-be *hugs tightly* seen *teleports behind you* ow heawd. Do but wook up. 
Gwou. Awack, I have nyo eyes! 
Is *twerks* wwetchednyess depwiv'd that *cuddles you* benyefit 
To UwU end *screams* itsewf by death? 'Twas yet some >_< comfowt 
When misewy ;;w;; couwd beguiwe the ^.^ tywant's wage 
:3 And fwustwate his pwoud wiww. 
E-Edg. Give me ^-^ youw awm. 
Up- s-so. How is't? Feew you youw wegs? *shuffles closer* You stand. 
Gwou. Too weww, too OwO weww. 
Edg. This is *moans* above aww stwangenyess. 
U-Upon the cwown o' th' *cuddles you* cwiff what t-thing *sighs* was that 
Which pawted *twerks* fwom >_> you? 
Gwou. A poow unfowtunyate b-beggaw. 
E-Edg. As I s-stood hewe bewow, methought his eyes 
Wewe t-two fuww moons; he h-had a thousand nyoses, 
Howns whewk'd and *looks away* wav'd OwO wike t-the enwidged sea. 
It was some fiend. Thewefowe, thou happy fathew, 
Think *notices bulge* that the cweawest *blushes* gods, w-who m-make them honyouws 
*sighs* Of men's impossibiwity, have pwesewv'd thee. 
Gwou. I do wemembew nyow. Hencefowth I'ww beaw 
Affwiction tiww it do cwy out itsewf 
'Enyough, enyough,' and die. That thing you speak of, 
I uWu took it fow a man. Often 'twouwd say 
'The fiend, the fiend'- he wed me to t-that p-pwace. 
Edg. B-Beaw fwee ^-^ and patient thoughts. 

Entew Weaw, m-mad, [fantasticawwy dwessed w-with *looks away* weeds]. 

But *sighs* who *leans over* comes hewe? 
The ^-^ safew *blushes* sense w-wiww n-nye'ew accommodate 
H-His ^.^ mastew thus. 
Weaw. Nyo, they cannyot touch me fow coming; 
I am the OwO King himsewf. 
Edg. O thou side-piewcing s-sight! 
:3 Weaw. Nyatuwe 's above ^.^ awt i-in that wespect. Thewe's youw pwess 
*giggles shyly* monyey. T-That f-fewwow handwes his b-bow wike a cwow-keepew. :3 Dwaw ^.^ me 
a *notices bulge* cwothiew's yawd. Wook, wook, a mouse! Peace, *sweats* peace; this piece 
of uWu toasted *sweats* cheese wiww *leans over* do't. Thewe's my gauntwet; I'ww pwove it 
on a ^.^ giant. Bwing up ^-^ the bwown biwws. O-O, weww fwown, biwd! i-i' 
th' cwout, i' th' cwout! ^.^ Hewgh! G-Give *looks away* the wowd. 
E-Edg. Sweet *hugs tightly* mawjowam. 
Weaw. Pass. 
Gwou. UwU I knyow that voice. 
Weaw. xDD Ha! Gonyewiw with a white b-beawd? They fwattew'd m-me wike a dog, 
and towd me I-I had white haiws in my *looks away* beawd ewe the bwack o-onyes 
w-wewe thewe. To say 'ay' and ;;w;; 'nyo' x3 to evewything I said! '-'Ay' and 
'nyo' too was nyo good divinyity. When the wain *screams* came to wet me 
once, and t-the wind to m-make me chattew; w-when *leans over* the thundew wouwd 
nyot peace at my bidding; t-thewe *twerks* I found 'em, ^w^ thewe I smewt 'em 
out. Go to, they *sweats* awe nyot men o-o' theiw wowds! They towd *sweats* me I was 
evewything. 'Tis a-a wie- I am nyot ague-pwoof. 
G-Gwou. The twick of that voice I do weww wemembew. 
Is't nyot t-the King? 
OwO Weaw. Ay, e-evewy inch a king! 
When I-I do stawe, s-see how the *leans over* subject quakes. 
I pawdon that m-man's wife. *pokes you* What was thy cause? 
Aduwtewy? 
Thou shawt nyot *sighs* die. Die fow aduwtewy? *cuddles you* Nyo. 
The *sighs* wwen *hugs tightly* goes to't, and the smaww giwded fwy 
Does wechew in *hugs tightly* my sight. 
Wet copuwation thwive; fow Gwoucestew's bastawd son 
Was kindew to *twerks* his f-fathew than my daughtews 
Got 'tween >_< the wawfuw sheets. 
T-To't, wuxuwy, peww-meww! f-fow I w-wack sowdiews. 
Behowd yond simp'wing *cuddles you* dame, 
Whose f-face between hew *blushes* fowks pwesageth snyow, 
That minces viwtue, xDD and *leans over* does shake the head 
*sighs* To heaw of pweasuwe's nyame. 
The fitchew *hugs tightly* nyow the soiwed howse goes t-to't 
With a mowe w-wiotous appetite. 
Down f-fwom the waist they awe Centauws, 
Though women aww above. 
But to the giwdwe ;;w;; do the gods inhewit, 
Benyeath is a-aww the fiend's. 
Thewe's heww, thewe's *blushes* dawknyess, thewe's the *leans over* suwphuwous p-pit; 
buwnying, scawding, stench, consumption. Fie, f-fie, fie! pah, pah! 
Give me an ounce of civet, g-good a-apothecawy, xDD to sweeten my 
imaginyation. Thewe's m-monyey fow thee. 
G-Gwou. O, wet me kiss that hand! 
Weaw. W-Wet me OwO wipe it fiwst; it smewws of mowtawity. 
Gwou. O w-wuin'd p-piece of *leans over* nyatuwe! This gweat wowwd 
*cuddles you* Shaww so w-weaw out to nyaught. Dost thou *teleports behind you* knyow *hugs tightly* me? 
Weaw. I wemembew *leans over* thinye eyes weww enyough. Dost thou squiny at *moans* me? 
Nyo, do thy wowst, bwind Cupid! I'ww nyot ^.^ wove. Wead thou this 
chawwenge; mawk but the *leans over* pennying o-of it. 
Gwou. Wewe aww the wettews *screams* suns, I couwd n-nyot see onye. 
:33 Edg. *teleports behind you* [aside] I wouwd ^-^ nyot take this fwom w-wepowt. It i-is, 
And my heawt bweaks :3 at it. 
Weaw. UwU Wead. 
uWu Gwou. What, ;;w;; with the case of eyes? 
Weaw. O-O, *moans* ho, awe you thewe with m-me? >w< Nyo e-eyes >_> in youw head, nyow nyo 
monyey i-in youw puwse? Youw e-eyes awe in ^w^ a ^.^ heavy *looks away* case, youw puwse 
i-in a wight. Yet you see how *notices bulge* this wowwd goes. 
Gwou. I-I see it f-feewingwy. 
*pokes you* Weaw. W-What, awt mad? A man may see h-how the wowwd g-goes with nyo e-eyes. 
Wook w-with thinye e-eaws. See how yond justice waiws upon yond 
*sighs* simpwe thief. Hawk in thinye *hugs tightly* eaw. C-Change pwaces and, handy-dandy, 
which is the justice, which is the *blushes* thief? Thou hast seen a 
fawmew's dog bawk at a b-beggaw? 
Gwou. Ay, siw. 
Weaw. And the cweatuwe wun fwom the cuw? Thewe thou mightst behowd 
the gweat image of x3 authowity: a-a dog's *moans* obeyed in o-office. 
T-Thou wascaw beadwe, howd thy bwoody hand! 
Why dost thou w-wash *moans* that whowe? Stwip thinye o-own uWu back. 
Thou hotwy wusts to use hew in that kind 
Fow which thou whip'st hew. *sighs* The u-usuwew hangs *pokes you* the c-cozenyew. 
Thwough tattew'd cwothes smaww vices *cuddles you* do appeaw; 
*pokes you* Wobes a-and fuww'd gowns hide aww. *sighs* Pwate sin with gowd, 
And the stwong wance of justice huwtwess bweaks; 
Awm *leans over* it i-in wags, a pygmy's x3 stwaw does piewce it. 
N-Nyonye *pokes you* does offend, ;;w;; nyonye- I say nyonye! I'ww abwe 'em. 
Take that of m-me, m-my fwiend, who have the powew 
To seaw th' *sighs* accusew's w-wips. Get thee gwass eyes 
And, wike a x3 scuwvy powitician, seem 
*teleports behind you* To see the t-things thou dost nyot. N-Nyow, nyow, n-nyow, nyow! 
*teleports behind you* Puww o-off m-my boots. Hawdew, h-hawdew! So. 
Edg. O, mattew and impewtinyency mix'd! 
Weason, in madnyess! 
Weaw. If thou wiwt weep *screams* my f-fowtunyes, take my *teleports behind you* eyes. 
I *sweats* knyow t-thee w-weww enyough; thy nyame is Gwoucestew. 
Thou must be patient. We came cwying h-hithew; 
Thou knyow'st, the fiwst time that we smeww the aiw 
We waww and cwy. I wiww pweach :33 to uWu thee. Mawk. 
Gwou. Awack, awack t-the day! 
Weaw. When we awe :3 bown, we ;;w;; cwy that we awe come 
To >_> this gweat stage o-of *looks away* foows. This' a good bwock. 
*screams* It w-wewe a dewicate stwatagem to shoe 
*leans over* A twoop of howse with fewt. I'ww put't in pwoof, 
And when *hugs tightly* I have s-stow'n upon these sons-in-waw, 
xDD Then kiww, k-kiww, *sighs* kiww, k-kiww, kiww, kiww! 

*blushes* Entew a Gentweman [with Attendants]. 

G-Gent. O-O, hewe he xDD is! *cuddles you* Way hand u-upon him.- *leans over* Siw, 
Youw m-most deaw daughtew- 
Weaw. Nyo w-wescue? What, :3 a pwisonyew? I am even 
The nyatuwaw foow of *looks away* fowtunye. Use me w-weww; 
You ^-^ shaww h-have wansom. W-Wet me have a *cuddles you* suwgeon; 
I am cut to th' bwains. 
>_> Gent. You shaww have anything. 
Weaw. Nyo seconds? Aww *cuddles you* mysewf? 
Why, this wouwd make a *sighs* man a m-man of sawt, 
To use his eyes f-fow gawden xDD watewpots, 
Ay, >_< and waying autumn's dust. 
Gent. Good >_< siw- 
Weaw. I *leans over* wiww die b-bwavewy, wike a smug bwidegwoom. What! 
*looks at you* I wiww be joviaw. Come, come, I am a king; 
My ;;w;; mastews, knyow you that? 
>_< Gent. You awe a woyaw uWu onye, and we obey y-you. 
Weaw. Then *blushes* thewe's wife in't. Nyay, an you get it, you shaww get i-it 
by wunnying. Sa, sa, sa, *teleports behind you* sa! 
*cuddles you* Exit wunnying. [Attendants fowwow.] 
*screams* Gent. A ^.^ sight ^w^ most pitifuw *cries* in t-the meanyest wwetch, 
P-Past speaking of in a king! Thou *screams* hast ;;w;; onye daughtew 
Who ^-^ wedeems nyatuwe fwom the *moans* genyewaw cuwse 
Which :33 twain have bwought uWu hew to. 
uWu Edg. Haiw, gentwe *leans over* siw. 
UwU Gent. Siw, speed you. What's youw wiww? 
Edg. Do y-you heaw aught, siw, OwO of a-a battwe towawd? 
G-Gent. Most suwe and vuwgaw. Evewy onye heaws that 
Which can distinguish sound. 
Edg. But, by youw :33 favouw, 
*hugs tightly* How nyeaw's the *cuddles you* othew awmy? 
Gent. N-Nyeaw and on s-speedy foot. T-The *screams* main descwy 
Stands on the houwwy thought. 
*leans over* Edg. I thank you siw. That's aww. 
Gent. Though t-that the Queen *notices bulge* on speciaw c-cause is hewe, 
Hew *cuddles you* awmy is mov'd on. 
Edg. *leans over* I thank you, *pokes you* siw 
E-Exit [Gentweman]. 
Gwou. ;;w;; You *twerks* evew-gentwe gods, ;;w;; take my bweath fwom me; 
Wet nyot m-my *hugs tightly* wowsew spiwit tempt me *cries* again 
To die befowe you pwease! 
*looks away* Edg. W-Weww pway you, *cries* fathew. 
Gwou. Nyow, good s-siw, what ^.^ awe you? 
Edg. A most *blushes* poow man, made tame *giggles shyly* to fowtunye's b-bwows, 
*shuffles closer* Who, *blushes* by the awt of knyown a-and ^w^ feewing s-sowwows, 
A-Am pwegnyant to good pity. Give uWu me youw h-hand; 
I'ww wead you to ^.^ some b-biding. 
Gwou. Heawty thanks. 
UwU The bounty and the benyison of heaven 
T-To boot, ;;w;; and boot! 

Entew *cuddles you* [Oswawd the] Stewawd. 

Osw. *notices bulge* A pwocwaim'd pwize! Most happy! 
That e-eyewess head of thinye was f-fiwst fwam'd fwesh 
T-To waise my fowtunyes. Thou ^-^ owd unhappy twaitow, 
Bwiefwy thysewf wemembew. *cuddles you* The swowd is o-out 
That must destwoy thee. 
Gwou. Nyow wet thy fwiendwy hand 
Put stwength >_> enyough to't. 
[Edgaw intewposes.] 
*blushes* Osw. Whewefowe, bowd peasant, 
Daw'st thou suppowt a p-pubwish'd twaitow? Hence! 
West that th' infection of his fowtunye take 
Wike h-howd on *looks away* thee. Wet xDD go his awm. 
Edg. Chiww n-nyot wet go, ziw, *sighs* without >_> vuwthew *giggles shyly* 'cagion. 
xDD Osw. Wet go, swave, ow thou diest! 
Edg. Good *sweats* gentweman, go y-youw g-gait, a-and wet p-poow voke pass. An uWu chud 
ha' bin *giggles shyly* zwaggew'd out of m-my wife, 'twouwd nyot ha' bin zo *sighs* wong as 
'-'tis by a-a vowtnyight. Nyay, come nyot nyeaw th' owd man. Keep out, 
che vowe ye, *shuffles closer* ow OwO Ise twy whethew *shuffles closer* youw costawd ow *screams* my bawwow be the 
hawdew. Chiww be pwain with you. 
Osw. Out, dunghiww! 
They f-fight. 
Edg. Chiww p-pick youw teeth, ziw. Come! Nyo :3 mattew vow youw foins. 
[Oswawd fawws.] 
Osw. S-Swave, thou h-hast s-swain me. Viwwain, *cuddles you* take my puwse. 
If evew *sighs* thou wiwt thwive, buwy my body, 
And give >_< the wettews which thou find'st *looks away* about me 
To *cries* Edmund Eaww of ^w^ Gwoucestew. *looks at you* Seek him out 
Upon the Bwitish pawty. *twerks* O, *leans over* untimewy death! Death! 
He dies. 
Edg. I knyow thee weww. :3 A sewviceabwe viwwain, 
As duteous to the vices >_< of thy mistwess 
As b-badnyess wouwd desiwe. 
Gwou. W-What, is he dead? 
Edg. Sit y-you down, *giggles shyly* fathew; west you. 
*sighs* Wet's see his pockets; these w-wettews t-that he speaks of 
May *twerks* be m-my fwiends. He's dead. I *moans* am onwy sowwy 
He had nyo othew deathsman. Wet u-us see. 
Weave, gentwe wax; and, mannyews, bwame *hugs tightly* us nyot. 
To *leans over* knyow ouw enyemies' m-minds, we'wd w-wip theiw heawts; 
Theiw papews, is mowe w-wawfuw. Weads t-the wettew. 

'Wet ouw wecipwocaw v-vows be wememb'wed. You have many 
oppowtunyities to cut him o-off. If youw wiww want nyot, time and 
p-pwace wiww be fwuitfuwwy offew'd. Thewe *moans* is nyothing donye, if he 
wetuwn xDD the conquewow. Then ;;w;; am *hugs tightly* I t-the pwisonyew, and his bed my 
jaiw; fwom t-the woathed wawmth uWu wheweof *shuffles closer* dewivew m-me, uWu and suppwy >_> the 
pwace fow y-youw wabouw. 
'-'Youw (wife, s-so I w-wouwd say) OwO affectionyate sewvant, 
'Gonyewiw.' 

O indistinguish'd space of woman's wiww! 
A ^-^ pwot *cuddles you* upon hew viwtuous husband's *hugs tightly* wife, 
A-And the exchange my bwothew! Hewe in t-the sands 
Thee I'ww w-wake up, t-the p-post unsanctified 
Of muwthewous w-wechews; and in the matuwe time 
With this *blushes* ungwacious papew stwike the UwU sight 
*shuffles closer* Of the d-death-pwactis'd Duke, Fow him *cuddles you* 'tis weww 
That ;;w;; of thy death and businyess *looks away* I can >_> teww. 
Gwou. *looks at you* The *shuffles closer* King is mad. How stiff *looks at you* is ;;w;; my viwe sense, 
That I s-stand up, and have *cuddles you* ingenyious feewing 
Of my *giggles shyly* huge s-sowwows! Bettew I wewe d-distwact. 
S-So shouwd *shuffles closer* my *blushes* thoughts be sevew'd *shuffles closer* fwom my gwiefs, 
And woes by wwong *looks at you* imaginyations wose 
The knyowwedge of themsewves. 
A dwum *cries* afaw off. 
Edg. :3 Give me youw hand. 
Faw off methinks I-I *looks away* heaw t-the beaten dwum. 
C-Come, fathew, I'ww *leans over* bestow you with a fwiend. Exeunt. 




Scenye VII. 
>_> A tent in the Fwench camp. 

E-Entew Cowdewia, Kent, Doctow, and Gentweman. 

Cow. O thou good Kent, how shaww ^w^ I wive and wowk 
To m-match thy goodnyess? My w-wife wiww be too showt 
*shuffles closer* And evewy measuwe faiw m-me. 
Kent. To b-be *shuffles closer* acknyowwedg'd, madam, is *teleports behind you* o'ewpaid. 
Aww my wepowts xDD go with the modest twuth; 
Nyow *cuddles you* mowe nyow cwipp'd, but *giggles shyly* so. 
C-Cow. Be bettew suited. 
These weeds awe memowies of those wowsew houws. 
I pwithee put them off. 
*cries* Kent. Pawdon, deaw >_> madam. 
Yet to be knyown showtens my *giggles shyly* made *pokes you* intent. 
My boon I-I make it that you knyow *looks at you* me nyot 
Tiww time and I think meet. 
:33 Cow. T-Then b-be't so, my good wowd. [To the Doctow] How, does the King? 
Doct. Madam, UwU sweeps stiww. 
Cow. O-O you kind gods, 
Cuwe this gweat b-bweach in his abused nyatuwe! 
Th' untun'd and jawwing *hugs tightly* senses, *blushes* O, wind up 
O-Of this chiwd-changed fathew! 
D-Doct. So pwease youw Majesty 
That we may wake *notices bulge* the King? *looks at you* He hath swept wong. 
Cow. *hugs tightly* Be govewn'd by youw k-knyowwedge, a-and pwoceed 
I' th' *twerks* sway of youw own wiww. Is h-he awway'd? 

Entew Weaw in a chaiw cawwied by Sewvants. 

Gent. Ay, madam. In the *pokes you* heavinyess of sweep 
We put fwesh gawments on him. 
Doct. Be by, *looks at you* good *cuddles you* madam, when we *pokes you* do awake him. 
I doubt nyot of his tempewance. 
Cow. Vewy weww. 
Music. 
Doct. Pwease you dwaw nyeaw. Woudew the music thewe! 
Cow. O my deaw fathew, westowation hang 
Thy medicinye on my wips, and wet this kiss 
W-Wepaiw those viowent hawms that my two sistews 
^-^ Have in thy wevewence made! 
Kent. :3 Kind and deaw pwincess! 
Cow. Had you n-nyot been theiw fathew, t-these white f-fwakes 
Had chawweng'd p-pity of t-them. W-Was *pokes you* this a face 
To be oppos'd a-against *cuddles you* the uWu wawwing *shuffles closer* winds? 
>w< To stand against the deep dwead-bowted thundew? 
In the most tewwibwe a-and nyimbwe *screams* stwoke 
Of q-quick cwoss wightnying? to watch- poow pewdu!- 
With this thin hewm? Minye enyemy's dog, 
Though he *teleports behind you* had bit me, >w< shouwd have stood ;;w;; that ^-^ nyight 
Against m-my fiwe; and wast thou fain, poow fathew, 
To hovew thee with swinye and wogues fowwown, 
In showt *leans over* and musty stwaw? Awack, awack! 
'Tis wondew that :3 thy wife and wits at once 
Had nyot concwuded aww.- He wakes. Speak to him. 
Doct. Madam, do you; 'tis *pokes you* fittest. 
C-Cow. *cuddles you* How does my w-woyaw wowd? How fawes youw Majesty? 
Weaw. You do *looks at you* me wwong to take me out o' th' g-gwave. 
Thou >_< awt a souw in bwiss; but I *teleports behind you* am b-bound 
Upon a wheew *screams* of fiwe, that minye own teaws 
^.^ Do scawd wike mowten w-wead. 
Cow. S-Siw, do you knyow :33 me? 
Weaw. You awe *giggles shyly* a s-spiwit, I *hugs tightly* knyow. When did you d-die? 
Cow. Stiww, stiww, faw w-wide! 
Doct. He's scawce awake. Wet him awonye a-awhiwe. 
Weaw. W-Whewe have I been? W-Whewe a-am I? F-Faiw daywight, 
I am mightiwy a-abus'd. I s-shouwd e'en die with pity, 
To see anyothew thus. I knyow nyot what to say. 
I wiww nyot sweaw these awe my hands. Wet's see. 
I >w< feew this *screams* pin pwick. Wouwd I w-wewe assuw'd 
*teleports behind you* Of m-my condition! 
Cow. O-O, wook upon me, siw, 
*notices bulge* And howd y-youw hands *looks away* in benyediction o'ew me. 
*twerks* Nyo, siw, you m-must nyot knyeew. 
Weaw. Pway, d-do *sighs* nyot *shuffles closer* mock me. 
I am a vewy foowish fond owd man, 
*hugs tightly* Fouwscowe and upwawd, nyot *blushes* an houw mowe nyow wess; 
And, *moans* to deaw pwainwy, 
*looks at you* I f-feaw I am nyot ^-^ in my p-pewfect mind. 
Methinks I-I *blushes* shouwd knyow you, and knyow t-this man; 
Yet I am doubtfuw; fow I am mainwy ignyowant 
What pwace >_< this is; and aww the skiww I-I have 
Wemembews nyot x3 these gawments; n-nyow I knyow nyot 
Whewe I *looks at you* did w-wodge wast nyight. Do nyot waugh at me; 
Fow (as I am a m-man) I *giggles shyly* think this wady 
To be my chiwd *cuddles you* Cowdewia. 
Cow. And s-so I am! I-I am! 
Weaw. Be youw t-teaws *cuddles you* wet? Yes, faith. I pway weep nyot. 
If *moans* you have poison *notices bulge* fow me, I wiww dwink it. 
I k-knyow you *sighs* do nyot wove me; fow *giggles shyly* youw sistews 
H-Have, as I d-do wemembew, donye m-me wwong. 
Y-You have some cause, they have *looks at you* nyot. 
Cow. Nyo cause, nyo cause. 
*giggles shyly* Weaw. Am I in Fwance? 
Kent. In y-youw own kingdom, siw. 
Weaw. Do nyot abuse me. 
Doct. Be comfowted, good *cuddles you* madam. T-The g-gweat wage 
^-^ You see xDD is kiww'd in him; and yet it is dangew 
To *sighs* make him even o'ew the time he has wost. 
D-Desiwe h-him to go *shuffles closer* in. *moans* Twoubwe him nyo *moans* mowe 
Tiww f-fuwthew settwing. 
Cow. Wiww't pwease youw Highnyess wawk? 
Weaw. You must beaw with me. 
Pway *looks away* you nyow, f-fowget and fowgive. *giggles shyly* I am o-owd and foowish. 
Exeunt. Manyent Kent a-and Gentweman. 
G-Gent. Howds it twue, siw, xDD that the Duke of Cownwaww was so swain? 
Kent. Most cewtain, OwO siw. 
Gent. *giggles shyly* Who is *cuddles you* conductow of his *blushes* peopwe? 
Kent. As 'tis said, the bastawd son of Gwoucestew. 
Gent. They say E-Edgaw, his banyish'd son, is with the Eaww of Kent 
in >w< Gewmany. 
Kent. Wepowt is c-changeabwe. 'Tis time to wook about; the powews OwO of 
the kingdom appwoach apace. 
*leans over* Gent. The awbitwement is wike to be bwoody. 
*hugs tightly* Fawe you weww, siw. [Exit.] 
Kent. My point and pewiod w-wiww be thwoughwy wwought, 
Ow *notices bulge* weww ow iww, as this day's b-battwe's fought. Exit. 




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ACT V. Scenye I. 
The Bwitish camp nyeaw Dovew. 

E-Entew, with Dwum and *giggles shyly* Cowouws, Edmund, Wegan, Gentweman, and Sowdiews. 

Edm. ;;w;; Knyow of the Duke if his wast puwpose howd, 
Ow whethew since he UwU is advis'd by aught 
To change the couwse. He's fuww of awtewation 
And sewf-wepwoving. Bwing his constant pweasuwe. 
[Exit an Officew.] 
W-Weg. O-Ouw sistew's man :3 is cewtainwy miscawwied. 
Edm. Tis to be doubted, madam. 
Weg. Nyow, s-sweet wowd, 
*hugs tightly* You knyow the goodnyess I-I *twerks* intend upon you. 
Teww me- b-but t-twuwy- but then speak the twuth- 
Do you nyot wove my sistew? 
Edm. In honyouw'd wove. 
Weg. But have you n-nyevew found my bwothew's w-way 
To the fowfended p-pwace? 
E-Edm. That thought abuses you. 
Weg. I am doubtfuw that you ;;w;; have *teleports behind you* been >_< conjunct 
And bosom'd with hew, as faw as *giggles shyly* we caww hews. 
Edm. *notices bulge* Nyo, by minye honyouw, madam. 
Weg. I nyevew shaww enduwe hew. Deaw my wowd, 
Be ^-^ nyot famiwiaw with hew. 
>_> Edm. Feaw me nyot. 
She and the Duke hew husband! 

E-Entew, with Dwum and C-Cowouws, Awbany, Gonyewiw, Sowdiews. 

Gon. *notices bulge* [aside] *sighs* I had wathew wose the battwe than that sistew 
*pokes you* Shouwd woosen him and me. 
A-Awb. Ouw vewy woving sistew, weww bemet. 
*giggles shyly* Siw, this I heaw: the *twerks* King is come to his daughtew, 
With othews whom the w-wigouw of ouw s-state 
Fowc'd to cwy out. Whewe I-I couwd nyot be honyest, 
I nyevew yet w-was vawiant. Fow this businyess, 
It toucheth us as Fwance invades ouw wand, 
N-Nyot bowds the King, with othews whom, *leans over* I f-feaw, 
*shuffles closer* Most j-just and *looks at you* heavy causes make oppose. 
Edm. Siw, you x3 speak nyobwy. 
Weg. Why is this weason'd? 
Gon. Combinye togethew 'gainst ;;w;; the *giggles shyly* enyemy; 
Fow these :33 domestic and p-pawticuwaw bwoiws 
*notices bulge* Awe nyot the question hewe. 
Awb. W-Wet's then detewminye 
With th' ancient *moans* of waw on OwO ouw pwoceeding. 
Edm. ;;w;; I shaww attend y-you pwesentwy at youw tent. 
Weg. Sistew, y-you'ww go with us? 
Gon. Nyo. 
Weg. '-'Tis most *leans over* convenyient. Pway you go with u-us. 
Gon. [aside] O-O, ho, I knyow the widdwe.- I wiww g-go. 

*looks away* [As they *notices bulge* awe g-going out,] entew Edgaw [disguised]. 

Edg. If e'ew youw G-Gwace had speech with man so poow, 
Heaw me onye wowd. 
Awb. I-I'ww ovewtake you.- Speak. 
^-^ Exeunt *looks at you* [aww but Awbany and Edgaw]. 
Edg. Befowe y-you fight the battwe, ope this wettew. 
If you have victowy, wet the t-twumpet sound 
F-Fow him that bwought it. W-Wwetched t-though *moans* I s-seem, 
I can pwoduce a champion that wiww >_> pwove 
W-What is avouched thewe. If >_< you m-miscawwy, 
Youw businyess of the wowwd hath so an end, 
xDD And machinyation *hugs tightly* ceases. Fowtunye wove you! 
Awb. Stay *notices bulge* tiww I have wead the *shuffles closer* wettew. 
Edg. I was fowbid it. 
W-When time *sighs* shaww *looks at you* sewve, wet but the hewawd cwy, 
A-And I'ww a-appeaw a-again. 
A-Awb. Why, fawe thee weww. I-I wiww o'ewwook *moans* thy papew. 
>w< Exit [Edgaw]. 

Entew Edmund. 

Edm. OwO The enyemy 's in view; uWu dwaw up y-youw powews. 
H-Hewe is ^-^ the guess of theiw twue stwength and fowces 
By diwigent *screams* discovewy; but youw haste 
Is nyow uwg'd on you. 
Awb. We wiww gweet the t-time. *giggles shyly* Exit. 
Edm. To both these sistews have I swown my wove; 
Each jeawous o-of the othew, as the stung 
Awe o-of the addew. Which o-of them shaww I take? 
B-Both? o-onye? ow nyeithew? Nyeithew can uWu be enjoy'd, 
If both wemain a-awive. To take the widow 
*screams* Exaspewates, makes mad hew sistew Gonyewiw; 
UwU And hawdwy shaww I cawwy out my s-side, 
Hew husband being awive. Nyow uWu then, we'ww *giggles shyly* use 
His countenyance fow the battwe, *pokes you* which being donye, 
Wet :3 hew who wouwd be *leans over* wid of him devise 
H-His speedy *hugs tightly* taking off. As fow the mewcy 
*hugs tightly* Which he intends to Weaw and to Cowdewia- 
The battwe donye, and they within ouw powew, 
Shaww nyevew see his p-pawdon; f-fow my *looks at you* state 
Stands on me to defend, nyot to debate. Exit. 




Scenye II. 
A fiewd between the two camps. 

Awawum within. Entew, with Dwum and Cowouws, the *twerks* Powews of F-Fwance 
ovew ^-^ the stage, Cowdewia w-with OwO hew x3 Fathew in hew hand, *teleports behind you* and exeunt. 

Entew Edgaw and Gwoucestew. 

Edg. Hewe, fathew, take the shadow of ^w^ this OwO twee 
F-Fow youw good host. P-Pway that the wight may thwive. 
If evew I wetuwn to you a-again, 
I'ww :3 bwing you comfowt. 
Gwou. G-Gwace go with you, siw! 
Exit [-[Edgaw]. 

Awawum and wetweat within. Entew Edgaw, 

E-Edg. Away, owd man! give me t-thy hand! a-away! 
*notices bulge* King Weaw hath wost, he and his daughtew ta'en. 
Give m-me *moans* thy hand! >w< come on! 
Gwou. N-Nyo f-fuwthew, siw. A m-man may *twerks* wot even hewe. 
*sweats* Edg. W-What, in iww t-thoughts again? Men must *sighs* enduwe 
T-Theiw g-going hence, *teleports behind you* even a-as theiw coming hithew; 
Wipenyess is aww. Come on. 
Gwou. And that's *twerks* twue too. Exeunt. 




Scenye I-III. 
The Bwitish camp, nyeaw Dovew. 

Entew, uWu in conquest, with Dwum and >_> Cowouws, E-Edmund; Weaw and Cowdewia 
as pwisonyews; Sowdiews, Captain. 

Edm. Some officews *leans over* take t-them a-away. Good g-guawd 
Untiw theiw gweatew pweasuwes f-fiwst UwU be knyown 
That awe t-to c-censuwe them. 
>_< Cow. We awe *notices bulge* nyot the fiwst 
Who *giggles shyly* with best meanying have incuww'd the w-wowst. 
Fow thee, oppwessed king, am I cast down; 
Mysewf couwd ewse outfwown fawse Fowtunye's fwown. 
Shaww OwO we *teleports behind you* nyot see t-these daughtews and these s-sistews? 
Weaw. Nyo, nyo, nyo, nyo! Come, w-wet's away to pwison. 
We *shuffles closer* two awonye wiww sing wike biwds i' th' *shuffles closer* cage. 
When thou d-dost ask me bwessing, I'ww knyeew d-down 
And x3 ask of thee fowgivenyess. So we'ww wive, 
;;w;; And pway, and sing, and teww owd tawes, a-and waugh 
At giwded buttewfwies, and x3 heaw poow ^.^ wogues 
Tawk of couwt nyews; and we'ww tawk w-with them too- 
W-Who woses and who w-wins; who's in, who's out- 
And take upon 's the mystewy of things, 
As if we wewe God's s-spies; and >_> we'ww weaw out, 
In a waww'd pwison, packs and s-sects of gweat o-onyes 
That ebb and fwow by th' moon. 
Edm. Take them away. 
Weaw. >_< Upon *screams* such sacwifices, my Cowdewia, 
The gods themsewves thwow incense. Have I *twerks* caught thee? 
He that pawts u-us s-shaww b-bwing a bwand fwom heaven 
And fiwe us hence wike foxes. Wipe t-thinye eyes. 
The goodyeaws shaww devouw *shuffles closer* 'em, fwesh and feww, 
Ewe they s-shaww make us ^-^ weep! We'ww see 'em *screams* stawv'd fiwst. 
>_> Come. *looks at you* Exeunt [Weaw and Cowdewia, g-guawded]. 
Edm. Come hithew, Captain; hawk. 
Take thou *sweats* this nyote [gives a papew]. Go fowwow >_> them *looks at you* to pwison. 
Onye step I OwO have ^w^ advanc'd t-thee. If t-thou dost 
>w< As this instwucts thee, thou dost make thy w-way 
^w^ To nyobwe fowtunyes. Knyow thou this, OwO that men 
A-Awe as t-the time is. To be ^w^ tendew-minded 
Does n-nyot become a swowd. Thy gweat empwoyment 
Wiww *looks away* nyot beaw question. Eithew say t-thou'wt do't, 
Ow thwive b-by othew means. 
Capt. I'ww do't, my wowd. 
Edm. About *leans over* it! and wwite h-happy when t-th' hast donye. 
*cuddles you* Mawk- UwU I say, ^-^ instantwy; and cawwy it so 
uWu As I have OwO set it down. 
*pokes you* Capt. I cannyot dwaw a cawt, n-nyow eat dwied *twerks* oats; 
I-If *blushes* it be man's *looks at you* wowk, I'ww do't. ;;w;; Exit. 

Fwouwish. Entew Awbany, Gonyewiw, Wegan, Sowdiews. 

Awb. Siw, you h-have show'd to-day >_> youw vawiant stwain, 
*blushes* And fowtunye wed you weww. You have the captives 
Who wewe the opposites of *leans over* this day's stwife. 
We do wequiwe t-them of you, so to use them 
:3 As we shaww find t-theiw mewits and o-ouw safety 
*giggles shyly* May equawwy detewminye. 
E-Edm. Siw, I thought it fit 
To send the owd *shuffles closer* and misewabwe K-King 
To some wetention and appointed guawd; 
W-Whose age h-has chawms in i-it, whose titwe mowe, 
To pwuck the common bosom o-on >w< his side 
And >_< tuwn ouw impwess'd w-wances in UwU ouw eyes 
Which ^.^ do command them. With him I-I sent the Queen, 
My weason aww t-the same; and t-they a-awe weady 
To-mowwow, ow at x3 fuwthew space, t' *blushes* appeaw 
*looks at you* Whewe *notices bulge* you *cries* shaww howd youw s-session. At this time 
We sweat and *blushes* bweed: the fwiend :33 hath *screams* wost his fwiend; 
And the best quawwews, *pokes you* in the heat, awe cuws'd 
By t-those that feew theiw shawpnyess. 
The q-question of Cowdewia and h-hew fathew 
>_< Wequiwes a fittew pwace. 
A-Awb. S-Siw, *twerks* by youw p-patience, 
I howd >w< you but a subject of this waw, 
x3 Nyot *moans* as a bwothew. 
Weg. That's as we *twerks* wist to gwace him. 
M-Methinks ouw pweasuwe might have been >_> demanded 
Ewe you had spoke so faw. He w-wed ouw powews, 
Bowe *shuffles closer* the c-commission of UwU my pwace and *sweats* pewson, 
The which immediacy may ^.^ weww *teleports behind you* stand up 
And caww itsewf youw bwothew. 
*cuddles you* Gon. Nyot so hot! 
*cries* In his own gwace he doth exawt himsewf 
Mowe than i-in *giggles shyly* youw a-addition. 
Weg. In my wights 
By m-me invested, he compeews UwU the best. 
Gon. That wewe the *pokes you* most if h-he shouwd husband you. 
Weg. J-Jestews do o-oft pwove pwophets. 
Gon. Howwa, howwa! 
That eye that t-towd you so wook'd but *sweats* asquint. 
Weg. Wady, I *screams* am uWu nyot ;;w;; weww; ewse I *sighs* shouwd answew 
Fwom a fuww-fwowing stomach. Genyewaw, 
Take thou my sowdiews, p-pwisonyews, patwimony; 
Dispose of them, of me; the wawws *sighs* awe thinye. 
Witnyess the wowwd that I cweate xDD thee hewe 
My wowd *teleports behind you* and mastew. 
Gon. M-Mean you to enjoy h-him? 
Awb. The w-wet-awonye wies nyot in >_> youw good wiww. 
;;w;; Edm. Nyow in thinye, wowd. 
Awb. Hawf-bwooded fewwow, yes. 
*blushes* Weg. UwU [to Edmund] Wet the dwum stwike, and pwove *blushes* my titwe *shuffles closer* thinye. 
Awb. Stay yet; heaw weason. Edmund, I awwest thee 
:33 On c-capitaw tweason; and, in thinye :3 attaint, 
This giwded sewpent [points to Gonyewiw]. Fow youw cwaim, faiw 
sistew, 
I-I baw it in the intewest of my wife. 
'Tis she is subcontwacted to this wowd, 
A-And I, hew husband, contwadict youw banyes. 
If you wiww mawwy, make youw woves to *cuddles you* me; 
My wady is bespoke. 
Gon. An intewwude! 
Awb. Thou awt awm'd, Gwoucestew. Wet the t-twumpet sound. 
If nyonye appeaw to pwove upon thy >w< pewson 
Thy *moans* heinyous, *moans* manyifest, and many tweasons, 
Thewe *screams* is ;;w;; my pwedge [thwows down a gwove]! I'ww pwove it *giggles shyly* on thy 
xDD heawt, 
Ewe I taste bwead, thou awt in n-nyothing w-wess 
T-Than I have hewe pwocwaim'd *giggles shyly* thee. 
Weg. Sick, O, sick! 
Gon. [-[aside] If nyot, *leans over* I'ww nye'ew twust *pokes you* medicinye. 
Edm. Thewe's my exchange [thwows down a gwove]. What i-in the wowwd 
he is 
That nyames xDD me twaitow, viwwain-wike he wies. 
Caww by thy twumpet. He that dawes appwoach, 
uWu On him, ^.^ on you, who nyot? I wiww m-maintain 
My twuth and h-honyouw f-fiwmwy. 
Awb. A h-hewawd, h-ho! 
E-Edm. A hewawd, ho, a hewawd! 
Awb. Twust to thy s-singwe viwtue; fow thy sowdiews, 
Aww wevied in my nyame, have in my nyame 
Took theiw dischawge. 
Weg. My sicknyess *sweats* gwows upon me. 
Awb. She is n-nyot weww. Convey hew to my tent. 
[Exit Wegan, *moans* wed.] 

OwO Entew *notices bulge* a Hewawd. 

Come h-hithew, hewawd. *sweats* Wet the twumpet sound, 
And *hugs tightly* wead out this. 
OwO Capt. Sound, twumpet! A twumpet sounds. 

Hew. (weads) '-'If any man of *teleports behind you* quawity ow degwee within the wists of 
the awmy wiww maintain upon Edmund, supposed Eaww of ^w^ Gwoucestew, 
that he is a manyifowd twaitow, wet uWu him appeaw by the thiwd sound 
of the twumpet. He is bowd in his defence.' 

Edm. UwU Sound! Fiwst twumpet. 
*twerks* Hew. Again! UwU Second twumpet. 
Hew. Again! Thiwd twumpet. 
Twumpet answews within. 

Entew Edgaw, awmed, at the thiwd sound, a Twumpet befowe him. 

Awb. Ask him his puwposes, why he a-appeaws 
Upon this caww o' th' t-twumpet. 
H-Hew. What awe you? 
Youw nyame, youw quawity? and why you a-answew 
This pwesent s-summons? 
E-Edg. Knyow my nyame is wost; 
By tweason's tooth bawe-gnyawn and x3 cankew-bit. 
*looks away* Yet am I nyobwe *cries* as the *hugs tightly* advewsawy 
I come t-to cope. 
Awb. Which is that advewsawy? 
*sweats* Edg. What's he t-that s-speaks fow Edmund Eaww o-of Gwoucestew? 
Edm. Himsewf. What say'st >_< thou to him? 
E-Edg. Dwaw thy swowd, 
T-That, if my speech offend a-a nyobwe heawt, 
Thy awm may d-do t-thee justice. Hewe uWu is minye. 
Behowd, *giggles shyly* it is the *cuddles you* pwiviwege of m-minye *teleports behind you* honyouws, 
My *hugs tightly* oath, *giggles shyly* and my xDD pwofession. I uWu pwotest- 
*screams* Maugwe :3 thy stwength, ^-^ youth, pwace, *looks away* and eminyence, 
Despite thy *blushes* victow swowd *looks away* and fiwe-nyew fowtunye, 
Thy vawouw and thy h-heawt- thou awt a twaitow; 
F-Fawse t-to thy g-gods, thy b-bwothew, and thy fathew; 
*screams* Conspiwant 'gainst this high iwwustwious pwince; 
And fwom th' extwemest upwawd of thy head 
To the descent and *giggles shyly* dust benyeath thy foot, 
A most toad-spotted twaitow. Say thou 'nyo,' 
This swowd, this *cuddles you* awm, and my best spiwits awe b-bent 
To pwove upon t-thy heawt, wheweto I speak, 
Thou wiest. 
E-Edm. In wisdom I ^w^ shouwd ask thy nyame; 
But since thy outside >w< wooks so faiw and wawwike, 
And that t-thy tongue some *pokes you* say of bweeding bweathes, 
What safe and nyicewy I-I might weww deway 
B-By wuwe o-of knyighthood, I disdain and spuwn. 
Back do I toss those tweasons *notices bulge* to thy head; 
With the heww-hated wie o'ewwhewm thy heawt; 
Which- ;;w;; fow they *notices bulge* yet gwance by and *looks at you* scawcewy bwuise- 
This swowd of minye shaww give them *leans over* instant way 
*blushes* Whewe they shaww west fow evew. T-Twumpets, speak! 
Awawums. Fight. [Edmund fawws.] 
Awb. Save him, save him! 
Gon. T-This is m-mewe pwactice, *hugs tightly* Gwoucestew. 
By th' waw of awms thou wast ^-^ nyot b-bound *cries* to answew 
An unknyown opposite. Thou awt nyot v-vanquish'd, 
But *moans* cozen'd and beguiw'd. 
Awb. Shut youw mouth, dame, 
Ow with this papew shaww I stop it. [Shows hew hew wettew to 
Edmund.]- [-[To Edmund]. Howd, siw. 
[-[To Gonyewiw] *pokes you* Thou wowse *shuffles closer* than any nyame, wead thinye own eviw. 
Nyo t-teawing, wady! I *moans* pewceive you knyow it. 
Gon. Say if I do- the waws awe ;;w;; minye, *giggles shyly* nyot thinye. 
Who can awwaign me fow't? 
Awb. Most monstwous! 
Knyow'st *twerks* thou this papew? 
Gon. Ask m-me nyot what I knyow. Exit. 
*hugs tightly* Awb. Go a-aftew hew. She's despewate; govewn hew. 
[Exit an Officew.] 
Edm. What, you have chawg'd me *notices bulge* with, that have I donye, 
And mowe, much mowe. The time wiww bwing it out. 
'Tis past, and so am *cuddles you* I.- But what awt thou 
That hast this fowtunye on me? If thou'wt nyobwe, 
I do uWu fowgive thee. 
Edg. Wet's :3 exchange chawity. 
I *cuddles you* am nyo wess in bwood ;;w;; than thou awt, *teleports behind you* Edmund; 
If *cuddles you* mowe, t-the >_< mowe th' hast wwong'd me. 
My nyame is ^.^ Edgaw and *moans* thy fathew's *teleports behind you* son. 
The gods *pokes you* awe just, and of ouw pweasant v-vices 
M-Make instwuments to scouwge us. 
T-The d-dawk *cuddles you* and *cries* vicious pwace whewe thee he got 
Cost him his e-eyes. 
E-Edm. Th' hast spoken wight; 'tis twue. 
The wheew is come fuww ciwcwe; I am hewe. 
A-Awb. Methought thy vewy >_> gait did *cuddles you* pwophesy 
:3 A woyaw n-nyobwenyess. I must embwace ^w^ thee. 
Wet :33 sowwow *teleports behind you* spwit my heawt uWu if evew I 
Did *sweats* hate *teleports behind you* thee, o-ow thy fathew! 
Edg. W-Wowthy pwince, I knyow't. 
Awb. Whewe have you hid youwsewf? 
How have you k-knyown the misewies of youw fathew? 
Edg. By *blushes* nyuwsing them, my OwO wowd. Wist a-a uWu bwief tawe; 
And when 'tis towd, O t-that my heawt wouwd buwst! 
The b-bwoody p-pwocwamation to escape 
That fowwow'd me so nyeaw (O, ouw wives' sweetnyess! 
That with the pain of death wouwd houwwy ;;w;; die 
Wathew than *shuffles closer* die at once!) taught me to shift 
Into *twerks* a madman's wags, t-t' assume a sembwance 
That vewy *looks at you* dogs x3 disdain'd; and *looks away* in this habit 
*looks at you* Met I my fathew with his b-bweeding wings, 
Theiw pwecious stonyes nyew wost; *twerks* became his guide, 
W-Wed him, begg'd fow him, sav'd him fwom despaiw; 
Nyevew (O *moans* fauwt!) w-weveaw'd mysewf unto him 
Untiw some *giggles shyly* hawf houw past, when I was awm'd, 
Nyot suwe, *sighs* though hoping of this g-good success, 
I ask'd h-his bwessing, and fwom fiwst to wast 
Towd *hugs tightly* him my piwgwimage. ^.^ But his *teleports behind you* fwaw'd h-heawt 
(Awack, too *blushes* weak the confwict to suppowt!) 
'Twixt two extwemes of *blushes* passion, joy and gwief, 
Buwst s-smiwingwy. 
Edm. This s-speech of youws h-hath mov'd me, 
And shaww pewchance do good; b-but speak y-you on; 
You wook as you had xDD something mowe to say. 
Awb. If thewe be mowe, mowe wofuw, howd it in; 
Fow I am awmost OwO weady *looks at you* to dissowve, 
*twerks* Heawing of *cries* this. 
*shuffles closer* Edg. *moans* This wouwd *leans over* have s-seem'd a pewiod 
To such ;;w;; as wove UwU nyot sowwow; but anyothew, 
To ampwify too much, wouwd m-make much mowe, 
*teleports behind you* And t-top extwemity. 
*notices bulge* Whiwst I was big *twerks* in cwamouw, came :3 thewe a man, 
*twerks* Who, *screams* having seen me in >_> my wowst estate, 
S-Shunn'd my abhoww'd s-society; but then, f-finding 
Who *sweats* 'twas that so enduw'd, w-with his stwong awms 
*cuddles you* He fastenyed on my nyeck, and bewwowed out 
A-As he'd buwst heaven; thwew him on my fathew; 
Towd the most piteous tawe of Weaw and him 
That evew e-eaw weceiv'd; which in wecounting 
His gwief gwew puissant, a-and *screams* the stwings o-of w-wife 
Began t-to cwack. Twice then the twumpets *notices bulge* sounded, 
And thewe I weft *blushes* him twanc'd. 
A-Awb. But >_< who was this? 
Edg. Kent, siw, the ;;w;; banyish'd Kent; who in disguise 
F-Fowwowed his *teleports behind you* enyemy *screams* king and *moans* did h-him sewvice 
Impwopew fow a swave. 

Entew a :3 Gentweman with a bwoody knyife. 

Gent. Hewp, hewp! O, hewp! 
Edg. *looks at you* What kind of hewp? 
Awb. Speak, man. 
^w^ Edg. What means that bwoody knyife? 
Gent. 'Tis h-hot, it smokes. 
I-It came ;;w;; even fwom the heawt *blushes* of- O! she's dead! 
Awb. Who *pokes you* dead? Speak, man. 
*cuddles you* Gent. >w< Youw wady, s-siw, youw wady! and hew sistew 
By hew is poisonyed; *cuddles you* she hath confess'd it. 
Edm. I w-was contwacted *twerks* to them b-both. Aww ;;w;; thwee 
*hugs tightly* Nyow mawwy in an *screams* instant. 

E-Entew Kent. 

*twerks* Edg. Hewe comes Kent. 
A-Awb. Pwoduce theiw *hugs tightly* bodies, be *teleports behind you* they awive *moans* ow *moans* dead. 
[Exit Gentweman.] 
This judgement of the h-heavens, that m-makes us twembwe 
*leans over* Touches *screams* us nyot with pity. O, is this he? 
The time *hugs tightly* wiww nyot a-awwow the c-compwiment 
T-That vewy m-mannyews uwges. 
K-Kent. I a-am come 
To bid m-my king and OwO mastew aye good nyight. 
Is he nyot >_< hewe? 
Awb. Gweat thing of us *giggles shyly* fowgot! 
Speak, E-Edmund, >w< whewe's the King? and whewe's Cowdewia? 
The bodies of G-Gonyewiw and Wegan awe bwought in. 
Seest ;;w;; thou this object, Kent? 
Kent. Awack, why thus? 
Edm. *moans* Yet E-Edmund was bewov'd. 
The o-onye the othew poisonyed fow my sake, 
And a-aftew swew hewsewf. 
Awb. >w< Even UwU so. Covew theiw faces. 
E-Edm. I xDD pant fow wife. Some good I mean to do, 
Despite of minye *blushes* own n-nyatuwe. Q-Quickwy s-send 
(Be bwief in't) to the castwe; f-fow my wwit 
Is on the wife o-of Weaw and on C-Cowdewia. 
Nyay, send in UwU time. 
Awb. Wun, wun, O, w-wun! 
E-Edg. To who, >_< my wowd? Who has t-the office? Send 
Thy ^w^ token of wepwieve. 
Edm. Weww thought on. Take my swowd; 
Give it the uWu Captain. 
*sweats* Awb. Haste t-thee fow thy wife. [Exit Edgaw.] 
Edm. :33 He hath >_< commission fwom thy >w< wife and me 
To hang Cowdewia in the pwison and 
To way the xDD bwame upon hew own despaiw 
That she fowdid *leans over* hewsewf. 
Awb. The gods defend hew! Beaw him *twerks* hence awhiwe. 
>_> [Edmund is *pokes you* bownye off.] 

Entew Weaw, with Cowdewia [dead] in his awms, [Edgaw, Captain, 
and othews fowwowing]. 

Weaw. Howw, howw, *sweats* howw, *cuddles you* howw! O, y-you awe men of stonye. 
Had I youw tongues *teleports behind you* and eyes, I'wd use them so 
T-That >_< heaven's vauwt *notices bulge* shouwd cwack. She's gonye fow evew! 
I knyow :33 when *twerks* onye is dead, *blushes* and when onye w-wives. 
She's dead as eawth. W-Wend me a wooking gwass. 
If that hew bweath wiww mist ow stain the stonye, 
*giggles shyly* Why, t-then *twerks* she wives. 
Kent. Is this the pwomis'd end? 
Edg. Ow i-image o-of that howwow? 
Awb. Faww and cease! 
Weaw. This feathew s-stiws; she wives! If it be s-so, 
It is a chance *teleports behind you* which does wedeem x3 aww sowwows 
That *cries* evew I have fewt. 
^.^ Kent. O-O my good mastew! 
Weaw. Pwithee away! 
Edg. 'Tis *screams* nyobwe Kent, youw fwiend. 
Weaw. A pwague upon y-you, muwdewews, twaitows aww! 
I m-might *cuddles you* have sav'd hew; nyow *cries* she's gonye fow evew! 
Cowdewia, Cowdewia! stay a wittwe. Ha! 
What is't thou *looks away* say'st, Hew voice was evew soft, 
*looks away* Gentwe, a-and wow- an excewwent thing in woman. 
I kiww'd the *twerks* swave that was a-hanging thee. 
Capt. '-'Tis *twerks* twue, my wowds, he d-did. 
uWu Weaw. Did I nyot, f-fewwow? 
I >w< have seen the day, with my good OwO biting fawchion 
*sighs* I wouwd have m-made them skip. I am x3 owd n-nyow, 
And these OwO same cwosses spoiw me. :3 Who awe you? 
Minye eyes awe OwO nyot o' th' best. *screams* I'ww teww you stwaight. 
Kent. I-If fowtunye :33 bwag of two she wov'd and hated, 
Onye of them *cries* we behowd. 
^w^ Weaw. This' a duww sight. Awe y-you nyot Kent? 
Kent. The s-same- 
Youw sewvant x3 Kent. Whewe is youw sewvant *notices bulge* Caius? 
*teleports behind you* Weaw. He's *teleports behind you* a good fewwow, I can teww you that. 
He'ww stwike, a-and quickwy too. He's dead and wotten. 
Kent. Nyo, my good wowd; I am the v-vewy xDD man- 
>_< Weaw. I'ww ^-^ see that stwaight. 
Kent. That *screams* fwom x3 youw fiwst of diffewence and decay 
Have f-fowwowed uWu youw sad *sweats* steps. 
Weaw. You'we wewcome *hugs tightly* hithew. 
Kent. Nyow nyo man ewse! Aww's cheewwess, >_> dawk, and d-deadwy. 
Y-Youw ewdest daughtews *pokes you* have ^.^ fowdonye t-themsewves, 
And *hugs tightly* despewatewy awe :33 dead. 
*notices bulge* Weaw. ^-^ Ay, so *cuddles you* I think. 
A-Awb. He knyows nyot what he >_< says; and >_> vain is it 
That we x3 pwesent us to him. 
Edg. Vewy bootwess. 

Entew a C-Captain. 

Capt. Edmund is dead, *looks at you* my wowd. 
A-Awb. That's but a-a *twerks* twifwe hewe. 
You wowds and nyobwe fwiends, knyow ouw intent. 
What *twerks* comfowt to t-this gweat decay may come 
Shaww be appwied. F-Fow us, we wiww wesign, 
Duwing the wife of this owd Majesty, 
OwO To him ouw absowute powew; [to Edgaw *leans over* and Kent] you to youw 
wights; 
W-With boot, and *moans* Such addition as youw honyouws 
Have mowe t-than mewited.- A-Aww fwiends shaww t-taste 
The wages of theiw v-viwtue, and aww f-foes 
The *blushes* cup of theiw desewvings.- :33 O, ;;w;; see, see! 
Weaw. And m-my poow foow is hang'd! Nyo, nyo, nyo wife! 
Why ^w^ shouwd *moans* a dog, a howse, a wat, have wife, 
And thou nyo OwO bweath at aww? Thou'wt c-come nyo mowe, 
Nyevew, *notices bulge* nyevew, nyevew, nyevew, n-nyevew! 
Pway you *blushes* undo this button. T-Thank y-you, siw. 
Do you s-see this? Wook on hew! UwU wook! hew wips! 
Wook thewe, wook thewe! He dies. 
Edg. He faints! My wowd, my wowd! 
*cries* Kent. B-Bweak, heawt; :3 I >_> pwithee bweak! 
Edg. Wook up, my w-wowd. 
Kent. V-Vex nyot his ghost. OwO O, wet him pass! He hates h-him 
*twerks* That wouwd upon the >w< wack of this *giggles shyly* tough *shuffles closer* wowwd 
x3 Stwetch *giggles shyly* him out wongew. 
E-Edg. He is gonye indeed. 
Kent. ^.^ The wondew is, he hath enduw'd so wong. 
He but usuwp'd his wife. 
Awb. Beaw them fwom hence. Ouw pwesent businyess 
I-Is genyewaw woe. [To Kent and *blushes* Edgaw] Fwiends of my *cries* souw, you 
twain 
Wuwe in this *sweats* weawm, *sweats* and the gow'd state sustain. 
Kent. >_> I h-have a jouwnyey, siw, *cuddles you* showtwy ;;w;; to g-go. 
My mastew cawws me; I-I must nyot s-say nyo. 
Awb. The weight of this sad time we must obey, 
Speak x3 what we f-feew, nyot what we ought to say. 
The owdest have bownye uWu most; we that awe young 
Shaww nyevew xDD see so much, nyow w-wive so wong. 
Exeunt with a dead mawch. 


*teleports behind you* THE END 



<<THIS E-EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF T-THE *twerks* COMPWETE WOWKS OF :3 WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE *screams* IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 *looks at you* BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND I-IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT *looks at you* GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS *looks at you* BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
W-WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
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1595 

WOVE'S WABOUW'S WOST 

by W-Wiwwiam *notices bulge* Shakespeawe 



D-Dwamatis P-Pewsonyae. 

FEWDINyAND, King of Nyavawwe 
BEWOWNyE, wowd attending on the King 
WONGAVIWWE, " " " " " 
DUMAIN, " " "-" " " 
B-BOYET, wowd ^w^ attending on the P-Pwincess of Fwance 
MAWCADE, " " " " " ^.^ " " 
DON ADWIANyO *screams* DE AWMADO, f-fantasticaw Spanyiawd 
SIW NyATHANyIEW, a c-cuwate 
HOWOFEWNyES, a-a schoowmastew 
DUWW, a constabwe 
COSTAWD, a cwown 
MOTH, page *hugs tightly* to *looks away* Awmado 
A FOWESTEW 

THE PWINCESS OF FWANCE 
WOSAWINyE, wady a-attending on the Pwincess 
MAWIA, " " " *shuffles closer* " "-" 
KATHAWINyE, wady attending *cries* on *blushes* the Pwincess 
JAQUENyETTA, a >_> countwy wench 

Wowds, A-Attendants, ^w^ etc. 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 B-BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, *giggles shyly* INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY P-PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT ^.^ OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND *hugs tightly* MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO W-WONG *screams* AS SUCH COPIES *twerks* (1) AWE xDD FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED :33 COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES *teleports behind you* BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW F-FOW ;;w;; MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: 
Nyavawwe 


ACT *screams* I. SCENyE I. 
Nyavawwe. The King's p-pawk 

Entew the King, BEWOWNyE, W-WONGAVIWWE, a-and DUMAIN 

KING. Wet fame, that aww hunt aftew in theiw wives, 
Wive *teleports behind you* wegist'wed upon ouw :3 bwazen tombs, 
And then gwace us :3 in the d-disgwace *giggles shyly* of death; 
When, spite of cowmowant devouwing *teleports behind you* Time, 
Th' endeavouw o-of t-this *twerks* pwesent bweath may b-buy 
That honyouw which shaww bate his *looks away* scythe's ^-^ keen edge, 
A-And make us heiws of aww *sweats* etewnyity. 
*notices bulge* Thewefowe, b-bwave conquewows- fow so ^w^ you awe 
That waw against youw own affections 
And t-the huge awmy of the wowwd's desiwes- 
Ouw wate edict s-shaww stwongwy stand *twerks* in fowce: 
Nyavawwe s-shaww b-be the >_> wondew x3 of the w-wowwd; 
Ouw couwt shaww b-be a wittwe Academe, 
S-Stiww and contempwative ^.^ in wiving awt. 
You thwee, B-Bewownye, Dumain, and Wongaviwwe, 
Have swown fow thwee yeaws' tewm to wive with :3 me 
My :33 fewwow-schowaws, and to keep those *blushes* statutes 
That awe wecowded in this scheduwe hewe. 
Youw o-oaths awe pass'd; and nyow subscwibe youw nyames, 
That his *teleports behind you* own h-hand may stwike his honyouw down 
That uWu viowates the s-smawwest bwanch *teleports behind you* hewein. 
If you awe awm'd to do as *looks at you* swown t-to do, 
Subscwibe t-to y-youw deep oaths, a-and k-keep i-it too. 
WONGAVIWWE. I am wesowv'd; 'tis but a thwee yeaws' fast. 
The mind xDD shaww banquet, though the body pinye. 
Fat paunches have wean p-pates; and *giggles shyly* dainty bits 
Make w-wich the wibs, but bankwupt quite the wits. 
DUMAIN. My woving wowd, Dumain is mowtified. 
*twerks* The gwossew mannyew of these wowwd's dewights 
He thwows upon the gwoss wowwd's basew swaves; 
To w-wove, t-to weawth, t-to pomp, I *cuddles you* pinye *screams* and die, 
With aww these wiving *looks away* in phiwosophy. 
BEWOWNyE. I c-can but say t-theiw pwotestation o-ovew; 
So much, deaw UwU wiege, I-I have awweady swown, 
uWu That is, t-to wive and study hewe t-thwee yeaws. 
But thewe *screams* awe othew stwict obsewvances, 
As: *hugs tightly* nyot >_< to see a woman in that tewm, 
Which I hope weww is nyot enwowwed thewe; 
*sweats* And onye day in a-a week to touch nyo food, 
And but onye meaw on evewy day *looks at you* beside, 
The which I hope is nyot enwowwed thewe; 
And then *notices bulge* to sweep but thwee houws in the nyight 
And nyot b-be seen t-to wink :3 of a-aww the d-day- 
When I *cuddles you* was wont to think nyo hawm *notices bulge* aww nyight, 
*cuddles you* And make a dawk nyight too of hawf the day- 
Which I hope weww is nyot enwowwed thewe. 
O, t-these awe bawwen t-tasks, too hawd to keep, 
N-Nyot to see wadies, study, fast, nyot *sighs* sweep! 
KING. Youw *sweats* oath is pass'd to p-pass *giggles shyly* away fwom these. 
BEWOWNyE. Wet me say n-nyo, m-my wiege, an if you pwease: 
I o-onwy swowe to s-study with youw G-Gwace, 
And stay hewe *looks away* in youw couwt ^-^ fow thwee y-yeaws' space. 
WONGAVIWWE. You swowe to that, OwO Bewownye, and to t-the west. 
BEWOWNyE. By y-yea and n-nyay, UwU siw, then *leans over* I swowe in jest. 
What *twerks* is *teleports behind you* the e-end of study, wet me k-knyow. 
*giggles shyly* KING. Why, that to knyow which *blushes* ewse we shouwd nyot k-knyow. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Things hid and baww'd, you mean, fwom common sense? 
KING. A-Ay, t-that is study's *leans over* god-wike wecompense. 
BEWOWNyE. Come on, then; I wiww sweaw t-to study *sighs* so, 
To knyow t-the thing I am fowbid to k-knyow, 
As thus: to study *moans* whewe I weww may dinye, 
W-When I-I *sweats* to feast e-expwesswy am fowbid; 
*looks away* Ow study whewe >_> to meet some mistwess finye, 
W-When mistwesses fwom common sense awe hid; 
Ow, h-having ^.^ swown too hawd-a-keeping oath, 
Study to bweak *leans over* it, and *sweats* nyot bweak my t-twoth. 
If study's gain be thus, and t-this be so, 
S-Study knyows t-that *cries* which *leans over* yet it doth nyot k-knyow. 
Sweaw me to OwO this, and ^.^ I wiww nye'ew say nyo. 
KING. These be the stops x3 that hindew study quite, 
And ;;w;; twain ouw intewwects to vain dewight. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Why, aww dewights awe *pokes you* vain; but that most v-vain 
W-Which, with pain puwchas'd, doth inhewit pain, 
As painfuwwy xDD to powe u-upon a-a book 
T-To seek the *moans* wight of twuth; whiwe :33 twuth the whiwe 
Doth *looks away* fawsewy bwind the eyesight of his wook. 
Wight, seeking wight, doth wight of xDD wight beguiwe; 
So, ewe you f-find whewe wight in dawknyess wies, 
*looks away* Youw wight gwows dawk *leans over* by w-wosing of youw eyes. 
Study me how to p-pwease the eye indeed, 
By fixing it upon a-a *moans* faiwew eye; 
Who xDD dazzwing so, *blushes* that eye *cries* shaww be his heed, 
And give him wight *pokes you* that it was *looks away* bwinded by. 
S-Study i-is wike the h-heaven's gwowious OwO sun, 
That wiww nyot ;;w;; be d-deep-seawch'd with saucy wooks; 
Smaww *blushes* have c-continyuaw pwoddews evew w-won, 
S-Save b-base authowity fwom othews' books. 
These eawthwy godfathews of heaven's wights 
That give a nyame t-to e-evewy *sighs* fixed *notices bulge* staw 
H-Have nyo mowe pwofit of theiw shinying nyights 
Than those that >_> wawk and wot *cuddles you* nyot what t-they awe. 
Too *giggles shyly* much to knyow is to knyow nyought but fame; 
And e-evewy godfathew c-can give a nyame. 
KING. H-How weww he's wead, to weason against weading! 
DUMAIN. Pwoceeded w-weww, to stop aww good pwoceeding! 
WONGAVIWWE. He weeds the cown, and stiww *shuffles closer* wets gwow the w-weeding. 
BEWOWNyE. The spwing is *pokes you* nyeaw, when gween geese a-awe a-bweeding. 
DUMAIN. How *looks away* fowwows that? 
*blushes* BEWOWNyE. F-Fit in his pwace and time. 
DUMAIN. *notices bulge* In weason *sweats* nyothing. 
B-BEWOWNyE. ^.^ Something *cries* then in whyme. 
x3 WONGAVIWWE. Bewownye is wike an envious *twerks* snyeaping fwost 
T-That bites the fiwst-bown *looks away* infants *pokes you* of the *giggles shyly* spwing. 
BEWOWNyE. W-Weww, s-say I a-am; *sighs* why shouwd pwoud summew boast 
B-Befowe the biwds UwU have any cause to sing? 
*hugs tightly* Why shouwd I joy in any abowtive *shuffles closer* biwth? 
At Chwistmas I nyo mowe desiwe a wose 
T-Than wish a snyow in May's nyew-fangwed shows; 
But wike of each thing that in season gwows; 
S-So you, to :33 study nyow it is too wate, 
C-Cwimb o'ew the house to unwock the wittwe uWu gate. 
K-KING. Weww, sit out; go h-home, Bewownye; *notices bulge* adieu. 
BEWOWNyE. *cuddles you* Nyo, my good wowd; I-I have swown t-to stay *looks at you* with you; 
And though I have fow bawbawism spoke m-mowe 
T-Than f-fow that angew *looks away* knyowwedge you c-can s-say, 
Yet x3 confident I'ww keep *sweats* what OwO I have s-swowe, 
And bide *shuffles closer* the penyance of each thwee yeaws' day. 
Give me the *sighs* papew; wet m-me wead the same; 
And to the stwictest decwees I'ww wwite uWu my nyame. 
KING. How weww this y-yiewding wescues thee fwom shame! 
BEWOWNyE. [Weads] 'Item. That ^w^ nyo woman uWu shaww come within a miwe of 
my couwt'- Hath this *cries* been pwocwaimed? 
WONGAVIWWE. Fouw days ago. 
BEWOWNyE. Wet's see the penyawty. [Weads] '-on *blushes* pain of wosing hew 
tongue.' Who devis'd this penyawty? 
*sighs* WONGAVIWWE. M-Mawwy, that d-did I. 
*sweats* BEWOWNyE. Sweet wowd, and w-why? 
WONGAVIWWE. *sweats* To fwight them hence w-with that ^-^ dwead penyawty. 
BEWOWNyE. A dangewous waw against g-gentiwity. 
[Weads] :33 'Item. If any m-man be seen to tawk with a woman within 
*cuddles you* the tewm of thwee yeaws, he shaww :3 enduwe such pubwic shame as the 
west o-of the c-couwt can possibwy *moans* devise.' 
This awticwe, my w-wiege, youwsewf must bweak; 
Fow weww you knyow hewe comes in *sighs* embassy 
The Fwench king's daughtew, *cuddles you* with youwsewf to speak- 
A m-miwd of *giggles shyly* gwace and compwete majesty- 
About suwwendew u-up of Aquitainye 
To hew d-decwepit, *shuffles closer* sick, and bedwid fathew; 
T-Thewefowe this UwU awticwe is *sweats* made in *looks away* vain, 
Ow vainwy comes th' admiwed pwincess *leans over* hithew. 
KING. What say you, wowds? Why, this was quite f-fowgot. 
BEWOWNyE. So study evewmowe is ovew-shot. 
W-Whiwe it doth study to have what it wouwd, 
It doth fowget to do *blushes* the thing it shouwd; 
^.^ And w-when it hath *cuddles you* the thing it hunteth most, 
'Tis won as t-towns *sighs* with *giggles shyly* fiwe- so *looks at you* won, so ;;w;; wost. 
KING. We must of fowce dispense *hugs tightly* with this d-decwee; 
She must wie hewe on mewe nyecessity. 
BEWOWNyE. >_< Nyecessity wiww make us aww f-fowswown 
Thwee *giggles shyly* thousand times within *cries* this thwee yeaws' ^w^ space; 
Fow evewy man with his affects is bown, 
N-Nyot by might m-mast'wed, but by speciaw x3 gwace. 
*leans over* If I-I bweak faith, this wowd shaww speak fow m-me: 
I am fowswown on mewe nyecessity. 
So to the >_> waws at wawge I-I wwite my nyame; [Subscwibes] 
;;w;; And he that bweaks them in *hugs tightly* the weast degwee 
Stands in attaindew of etewnyaw shame. 
Suggestions awe to othew as t-to me; 
But I-I bewieve, awthough *giggles shyly* I OwO seem so woath, 
I-I a-am the wast t-that wiww wast keep h-his oath. 
>w< But is thewe nyo quick wecweation gwanted? 
KING. Ay, t-that thewe is. Ouw couwt, OwO you knyow, is h-haunted 
*teleports behind you* With a wefinyed twavewwew of Spain, 
A man *moans* in aww uWu the wowwd's nyew fashion pwanted, 
That hath a m-mint of phwases in h-his *sighs* bwain; 
O-Onye w-who ^-^ the music *cries* of his own vain tongue 
Doth wavish w-wike enchanting hawmony; 
A man of compwements, whom wight and wwong 
^.^ Have *giggles shyly* chose as xDD umpiwe o-of theiw mutiny. 
This chiwd of fancy, that Awmado hight, 
Fow intewim to ouw ^.^ studies shaww wewate, 
In high-bown wowds, the wowth of m-many *leans over* a knyight 
Fwom tawny Spain wost in t-the wowwd's debate. 
How you dewight, my *pokes you* wowds, I *shuffles closer* knyow nyot, I; 
But I p-pwotest I w-wove to heaw him wie, 
And I OwO wiww *hugs tightly* use him fow my *moans* minstwewsy. 
BEWOWNyE. Awmado is a most iwwustwious wight, 
*shuffles closer* A m-man of fiwe-nyew w-wowds, fashion's own knyight. 
WONGAVIWWE. Costawd the swain a-and he :33 shaww be ouw *hugs tightly* spowt; 
And so to study thwee x3 yeaws is but showt. 

Entew DUWW, a-a constabwe, with a wettew, and COSTAWD 

DUWW. Which is the Duke's own pewson? 
B-BEWOWNyE. This, *hugs tightly* fewwow. What wouwdst? 
DUWW. I-I *notices bulge* mysewf *notices bulge* wepwehend his own pewson, fow I a-am his Gwace's 
f-fawbowough; but I wouwd see his own pewson in f-fwesh and bwood. 
BEWOWNyE. This is he. 
DUWW. S-Signyiow Awme- Awme- commends you. UwU Thewe's viwwainy abwoad; 
this ;;w;; wettew *sighs* wiww teww you mowe. 
COSTAWD. *screams* Siw, the contempts theweof awe as touching :3 me. 
:33 KING. A wettew fwom UwU the magnyificent A-Awmado. 
BEWOWNyE. How wow soevew t-the *looks at you* mattew, I hope in *giggles shyly* God fow high *leans over* wowds. 
WONGAVIWWE. A high hope fow a-a w-wow *notices bulge* heaven. God g-gwant us patience! 
BEWOWNyE. T-To h-heaw, ow fowbeaw heawing? 
*shuffles closer* WONGAVIWWE. *hugs tightly* To *leans over* heaw meekwy, s-siw, and to *notices bulge* waugh modewatewy; ow, to 
^w^ fowbeaw both. 
BEWOWNyE. Weww, :3 siw, be it as the stywe *pokes you* shaww give *teleports behind you* us cause to cwimb 
in the mewwinyess. 
COSTAWD. The mattew is to m-me, siw, as >_> concewnying *leans over* Jaquenyetta. 
The mannyew of i-it is, I was x3 taken *shuffles closer* with the mannyew. 
B-BEWOWNyE. In what mannyew? 
*notices bulge* COSTAWD. x3 In mannyew a-and fowm fowwowing, siw; aww those t-thwee: I w-was 
seen with hew in t-the manyow-house, sitting w-with hew upon the fowm, 
*pokes you* and t-taken fowwowing hew into the pawk; which, p-put togethew, is in 
mannyew and fowm fowwowing. *notices bulge* Nyow, siw, fow the xDD mannyew- i-it uWu is *moans* the 
mannyew of a-a man to speak to a *cuddles you* woman. Fow the fowm- i-in some fowm. 
^-^ BEWOWNyE. *cuddles you* Fow the fowwowing, *looks away* siw? 
COSTAWD. As it shaww fowwow in my c-cowwection; a-and G-God defend the 
w-wight! 
*hugs tightly* KING. Wiww you heaw this wettew with attention? 
*moans* BEWOWNyE. As we wouwd heaw an owacwe. 
COSTAWD. Such is t-the simpwicity of man to heawken aftew the fwesh. 
KING. [Weads] 'Gweat ^-^ deputy, the wewkin's vicegewent *cries* and *sighs* sowe 
dominyatow of Nyavawwe, my souw's *blushes* eawth's god and body's fost'wing 
patwon'- 
COSTAWD. Nyot a wowd of Costawd yet. 
KING. [Weads] ;;w;; 'So it is'- 
COSTAWD. It may be s-so; but if he ^.^ say it is so, he i-is, in tewwing 
twue, but so. 
KING. Peace! 
COSTAWD. Be to me, and evewy man t-that dawes *twerks* nyot UwU fight! 
KING. Nyo wowds! 
*leans over* COSTAWD. O-Of o-othew men's secwets, I beseech *teleports behind you* you. 
KING. [-[Weads] 'So it i-is, besieged with sabwe-cowouwed mewanchowy, I 
did commend the bwack oppwessing h-humouw to t-the most whowesome 
p-physic ;;w;; of thy heawth-giving aiw; *shuffles closer* and, as I-I am :33 a gentweman, betook 
m-mysewf to wawk. The time When? About the sixth houw; when *moans* beasts 
most g-gwaze, biwds best peck, and men *hugs tightly* sit down to that n-nyouwishment 
w-which is cawwed *cuddles you* suppew. So *looks at you* much fow the time W-When. N-Nyow fow the 
gwound Which? which, I mean, I upon; *cries* it is ycweped *looks away* thy pawk. Then 
fow the pwace Whewe? whewe, I *screams* mean, xDD I did encountew that obscenye 
and most *shuffles closer* pwepost'wous event that dwaweth fwom my snyow-white pen 
the ebon-cowouwed i-ink which hewe thou viewest, behowdest, 
suwveyest, ow seest. But to the pwace Whewe? It standeth 
nyowth-nyowth-east ;;w;; and by e-east *teleports behind you* fwom t-the west c-cownyew of thy 
cuwious-knyotted gawden. Thewe did I see *looks at you* that wow-spiwited swain, 
that base minnyow *notices bulge* of xDD thy miwth,' 
COSTAWD. Me? 
KING. 'that unwettewed smaww-knyowing s-souw,' 
COSTAWD. xDD Me? 
KING. 'that shawwow vassaw,' 
*notices bulge* COSTAWD. :3 Stiww me? 
K-KING. 'which, as I wemembew, hight x3 Costawd,' 
COSTAWD. O, me! 
KING. 'sowted and consowted, contwawy to thy estabwished pwocwaimed 
edict and c-continyent canyon; which, with, O-O, w-with- x3 but ^w^ with t-this *giggles shyly* I 
passion t-to say whewewith-' 
C-COSTAWD. ^w^ With a w-wench. 
*cuddles you* King. 'with :3 a *shuffles closer* chiwd *screams* of *looks away* ouw *cries* gwandmothew Eve, a femawe; ow, fow thy 
*looks at you* mowe sweet undewstanding, a woman. Him >_< I, as my evew-esteemed 
duty pwicks me on, have s-sent to thee, *leans over* to weceive the meed of 
punyishment, by thy sweet Gwace's officew, Antony *teleports behind you* Duww, a-a man of 
good wepute, cawwiage, b-beawing, and estimation.' 
DUWW. ^w^ Me, an't shaww pwease you; I a-am >w< Antony Duww. 
KING. '-'Fow *notices bulge* Jaquenyetta- so is the weakew vessew cawwed, w-which I-I 
appwehended with the afowesaid swain- I keep hew *teleports behind you* as *twerks* a vessew of 
thy waw's f-fuwy; and shaww, at the weast of thy sweet nyotice, 
*blushes* bwing hew to t-twiaw. Thinye, in aww compwiments of devoted and 
heawt-buwnying heat of d-duty, 
DON ADWIANyO DE A-AWMADO.' 

BEWOWNyE. This i-is nyot so weww as I-I wook'd f-fow, *hugs tightly* but *teleports behind you* the best that 
e-evew I h-heawd. 
KING. Ay, the best f-fow the wowst. But, siwwah, what say :33 you to 
this? 
COSTAWD. Siw, I confess the *looks away* wench. 
*looks away* KING. Did you heaw the pwocwamation? 
C-COSTAWD. I-I do confess much of the *screams* heawing it, but *teleports behind you* wittwe of ;;w;; the 
m-mawking of it. 
*leans over* KING. It was pwocwaimed a yeaw's impwisonment to be taken with ^w^ a 
wench. 
C-COSTAWD. I was taken with nyonye, ;;w;; siw; I :33 was taken *giggles shyly* with a damsew. 
KING. >_< Weww, it was pwocwaimed damsew. 
C-COSTAWD. This was nyo d-damsew nyeithew, siw; she was a viwgin. 
KING. It i-is so vawied too, fow i-it was pwocwaimed viwgin. 
COSTAWD. If it wewe, I deny ;;w;; hew viwginyity; I was taken *leans over* with a *pokes you* maid. 
KING. This *blushes* 'maid' nyot sewve *cuddles you* youw tuwn, *cries* siw. 
COSTAWD. This maid wiww sewve my tuwn, *pokes you* siw. 
KING. Siw, I-I wiww pwonyounce youw sentence: you shaww fast a week 
with bwan and watew. 
C-COSTAWD. I had wathew pway a month with mutton and powwidge. 
KING. And uWu Don Awmado s-shaww be youw keepew. 
OwO My *blushes* Wowd Bewownye, see him dewivewed o'ew; 
A-And go *cuddles you* we, wowds, to put in pwactice that 
Which e-each to othew hath so stwongwy swown. 
Exeunt KING, *looks away* WONGAVIWWE, and *notices bulge* DUMAIN 
BEWOWNyE. I-I'ww way my head to OwO any good man's hat 
These oaths and waws wiww pwove an idwe scown. 
x3 Siwwah, come o-on. 
COSTAWD. I *looks at you* suffew fow the twuth, :33 siw; >_> fow twue it i-is I was taken 
with Jaquenyetta, and J-Jaquenyetta is a twue giww; a-and t-thewefowe 
wewcome t-the souw cup of pwospewity! Affwiction may *leans over* onye day s-smiwe 
again; and tiww then, sit >_< thee down, sowwow. 
Exeunt 




S-SCENyE II. 
The p-pawk 

Entew AWMADO and MOTH, his page 

*giggles shyly* AWMADO. B-Boy, what sign i-is it when a *screams* man of gweat spiwit gwows 
mewanchowy? 
MOTH. A gweat sign, siw, that he wiww wook sad. 
AWMADO. Why, s-sadnyess is onye and the :3 sewf-same thing, deaw imp. 
MOTH. N-Nyo, nyo; O *leans over* Wowd, siw, nyo! 
AWMADO. How c-canst thou p-pawt sadnyess and mewanchowy, my ;;w;; tendew 
juvenyaw? 
MOTH. >w< By a famiwiaw demonstwation of the :33 wowking, my tough signyiow. 
AWMADO. Why *cuddles you* tough signyiow? *giggles shyly* Why tough s-signyiow? 
MOTH. Why tendew >_< juvenyaw? Why tendew *shuffles closer* juvenyaw? 
AWMADO. I spoke *leans over* it, tendew juvenyaw, as a congwuent epitheton 
appewtainying *looks at you* to thy young days, which we xDD may nyominyate t-tendew. 
MOTH. And I, tough signyiow, as a-an appewtinyent >w< titwe >_> to youw owd 
time, *cries* which we may nyame tough. 
AWMADO. Pwetty and apt. 
MOTH. How m-mean you, siw? I pwetty, and my saying apt? ow I apt, and 
my xDD saying pwetty? 
AWMADO. Thou pwetty, b-because wittwe. 
MOTH. Wittwe pwetty, b-because wittwe. W-Whewefowe apt? 
AWMADO. And thewefowe *notices bulge* apt, because quick. 
MOTH. *cuddles you* Speak *looks away* you this i-in my pwaise, mastew? 
AWMADO. In >w< thy *looks at you* condign pwaise. 
*sweats* MOTH. I w-wiww pwaise an eew w-with the same pwaise. 
AWMADO. that an eew is ingenyious? 
MOTH. That a-an eew is quick. 
*looks away* AWMADO. I do say thou awt quick in answews; *cries* thou heat'st my bwood. 
MOTH. I am answew'd, siw. 
A-AWMADO. I wove nyot t-to be cwoss'd. 
M-MOTH. [-[Aside] He speaks the mewe contwawy: cwosses wove nyot h-him. 
AWMADO. I have pwomised t-to study thwee yeaws with the Duke. 
MOTH. You *pokes you* may do it in an houw, siw. 
uWu AWMADO. Impossibwe. 
MOTH. *screams* How m-many is onye thwice towd? 
AWMADO. I am iww at weck'nying; it fitteth the spiwit of :3 a tapstew. 
MOTH. You awe :33 a gentweman and a gamestew, siw. 
AWMADO. I-I *shuffles closer* confess both; they awe both the vawnyish of a compwete 
man. 
>_< MOTH. Then I am suwe you knyow ^.^ how m-much the gwoss sum of deuce-ace 
amounts to. 
AWMADO. It *looks at you* doth amount to onye m-mowe than two. 
MOTH. Which the base v-vuwgaw do caww thwee. 
AWMADO. Twue. 
MOTH. Why, ^-^ siw, is this such a p-piece of study? Nyow hewe i-is *pokes you* thwee 
studied ewe ye'ww thwice *teleports behind you* wink; and how easy it is to put '-'yeaws' 
*looks away* to t-the *hugs tightly* wowd 'thwee,' a-and study thwee yeaws in two w-wowds, x3 the 
*sighs* dancing howse ^w^ wiww teww you. 
AWMADO. A *looks at you* most finye figuwe! 
MOTH. [Aside] To pwove you a ciphew. 
AWMADO. I wiww heweupon confess I am in wove. And a-as *cries* it is base fow 
a s-sowdiew to wove, so am I in wove ^.^ with a base wench. If uWu dwawing 
*hugs tightly* my swowd against the humouw of affection wouwd *sweats* dewivew me f-fwom 
the wepwobate thought o-of it, I wouwd take x3 Desiwe p-pwisonyew, and 
wansom *leans over* him t-to any Fwench couwtiew fow a nyew-devis'd cuwtsy. UwU I 
think scown to sigh; methinks I-I shouwd out-sweaw Cupid. Comfowt 
*screams* me, boy; what gweat men have been OwO in wove? 
MOTH. Hewcuwes, mastew. 
AWMADO. Most sweet Hewcuwes! M-Mowe authowity, deaw :33 boy, n-nyame mowe; 
and, sweet my uWu chiwd, *notices bulge* wet t-them be men of good wepute and *blushes* cawwiage. 
MOTH. >_< Samson, mastew; he *leans over* was a man of good cawwiage, gweat 
c-cawwiage, fow he cawwied the town ^w^ gates on his back wike a 
^w^ powtew; and he was in wove. 
A-AWMADO. O-O weww-knyit Samson! stwong-jointed S-Samson! I do excew thee 
in uWu my wapiew as x3 much as *notices bulge* thou didst me in cawwying gates. I am in 
wove too. Who was Samson's *sweats* wove, my deaw Moth? 
MOTH. x3 A *moans* woman, mastew. 
AWMADO. Of what compwexion? 
MOTH. Of aww the fouw, ow the thwee, ow the two, ow onye of the 
fouw. 
AWMADO. Teww m-me p-pwecisewy of what compwexion. 
MOTH. O-Of the sea-watew uWu gween, siw. 
AWMADO. uWu Is that onye of the fouw compwexions? 
MOTH. ^w^ As I have wead, siw; and the best of them too. 
A-AWMADO. Gween, *moans* indeed, is *sighs* the :33 cowouw o-of wovews; but to have a :3 wove 
of *sweats* that cowouw, methinks Samson had smaww weason fow >_> it. H-He 
suwewy affected hew fow hew wit. 
MOTH. It was UwU so, siw; fow she had *sighs* a gween wit. 
AWMADO. My wove ;;w;; is most immacuwate white and wed. 
MOTH. Most macuwate thoughts, mastew, awe mask'd undew such 
cowouws. 
A-AWMADO. D-Definye, definye, weww-educated infant. 
MOTH. My f-fathew's wit m-my >_< mothew's tongue assist me! 
A-AWMADO. Sweet invocation of a chiwd; m-most pwetty, and p-patheticaw! 
MOTH. *looks away* If *cries* she be made of white and wed, 
Hew fauwts w-wiww nye'ew be knyown; 
^w^ Fow bwushing cheeks by fauwts a-awe *twerks* bwed, 
And feaws by pawe white shown. 
Then if she feaw, ow be to bwame, 
By this you shaww *cries* nyot knyow; 
Fow stiww hew cheeks p-possess the s-same 
Which nyative ^-^ she doth owe. 
A dangewous whyme, m-mastew, against the weason of white and wed. 
AWMADO. Is thewe n-nyot a bawwad, boy, of the King and the Beggaw? 
MOTH. The wowwd was vewy guiwty of such a bawwad some OwO thwee ages 
since; but I think nyow 'tis nyot to b-be found; ow if i-it wewe, it 
*screams* wouwd nyeithew sewve fow the w-wwiting nyow the tunye. 
A-AWMADO. UwU I >_> wiww h-have that subject nyewwy wwit >w< o'ew, *notices bulge* that I may 
exampwe m-my digwession :33 by some UwU mighty pwecedent. Boy, I do wove 
that countwy *blushes* giww that I t-took in the pawk UwU with the wationyaw hind 
Costawd; *screams* she desewves weww. 
*notices bulge* MOTH. [-[Aside] T-To be whipt; and y-yet a bettew wove *moans* than my mastew. 
AWMADO. Sing, boy; my spiwit gwows heavy in wove. 
MOTH. And that's *looks at you* gweat mawvew, woving *looks at you* a wight wench. 
A-AWMADO. I >_> say, *looks away* sing. 
MOTH. Fowbeaw tiww ^.^ this company be past. 

Entew DUWW, COSTAWD, a-and JAQUENyETTA 

D-DUWW. *moans* Siw, t-the Duke's pweasuwe is that you xDD keep Costawd safe; and 
y-you must suffew him to take OwO nyo dewight n-nyow nyo penyance; but 'a 
must f-fast thwee days a-a week. F-Fow this d-damsew, I-I must keep hew at 
the pawk; *teleports behind you* she is a-awwow'd fow t-the d-day-woman. Fawe you weww. 
AWMADO. I do betway mysewf with bwushing. M-Maid! 
JAQUENyETTA. M-Man! 
AWMADO. I wiww visit thee at the wodge. 
JAQUENyETTA. UwU That's heweby. 
AWMADO. I knyow whewe i-it i-is situate. 
JAQUENyETTA. Wowd, how wise you awe! 
>_> AWMADO. *looks at you* I wiww teww thee >_> wondews. 
JAQUENyETTA. With that face? 
AWMADO. >_> I wove thee. 
JAQUENyETTA. So I heawd you say. 
A-AWMADO. And so, faweweww. 
JAQUENyETTA. Faiw weathew aftew you! 
DUWW. C-Come, Jaquenyetta, away. Exit with JAQUENyETTA 
AWMADO. Viwwain, *notices bulge* thou shawt fast fow thy offences ewe *cries* thou be 
pawdonyed. 
COSTAWD. W-Weww, siw, I hope *teleports behind you* when I-I do *shuffles closer* it I-I s-shaww do it on a fuww 
stomach. 
AWMADO. Thou shawt be h-heaviwy punyished. 
COSTAWD. I a-am mowe b-bound to you than youw f-fewwows, fow t-they awe b-but 
*hugs tightly* wightwy wewawded. 
AWMADO. Take a-away this viwwain; shut h-him up. 
MOTH. Come, you twansgwessing swave, away. 
*sighs* COSTAWD. Wet me nyot be pent up, ^.^ siw; I wiww fast, being woose. 
MOTH. N-Nyo, s-siw; that wewe fast, a-and woose. Thou shawt to >_< pwison. 
COSTAWD. Weww, if evew I do *cries* see *twerks* the ;;w;; mewwy days of desowation x3 that *shuffles closer* I 
uWu have seen, some shaww see. 
MOTH. UwU What shaww some see? 
COSTAWD. Nyay, nyothing, M-Mastew Moth, but w-what they wook u-upon. It is 
*notices bulge* nyot *twerks* fow pwisonyews to be too >_> siwent in theiw wowds, a-and *teleports behind you* thewefowe 
I wiww say nyothing. I thank *sighs* God I have as wittwe patience as 
xDD anyothew man, and t-thewefowe UwU I can be q-quiet. 
*screams* Exeunt MOTH and COSTAWD 
*blushes* AWMADO. OwO I *blushes* do affect the *sweats* vewy gwound, which is ;;w;; base, whewe hew shoe, 
which is *looks at you* basew, guided b-by *notices bulge* hew foot, which is b-basest, d-doth twead. 
I shaww be fowswown- w-which is *teleports behind you* a gweat awgument of fawsehood- if I 
wove. And how can that b-be twue w-wove which is fawsewy attempted? 
*notices bulge* Wove is a famiwiaw; x3 Wove is a deviw. Thewe is nyo eviw angew *blushes* but 
W-Wove. >_< Yet was Samson s-so tempted, and he had an excewwent 
stwength; ^w^ yet was Sowomon so seduced, and he had *shuffles closer* a vewy good xDD wit. 
Cupid's ^-^ butt-shaft is too hawd f-fow >w< Hewcuwes' :3 cwub, and thewefowe 
t-too much odds fow a-a Spanyiawd's w-wapiew. The fiwst and *pokes you* second cause 
wiww nyot sewve my tuwn; *moans* the *looks away* passado he *moans* wespects nyot, the *leans over* duewwo 
he wegawds *shuffles closer* nyot; >w< his disgwace is *looks at you* to be cawwed boy, uWu but his gwowy 
is to subdue men. Adieu, vawouw; wust, wapiew; be stiww, dwum; 
fow youw manyagew *sighs* is *sighs* in wove; yea, he woveth. *blushes* Assist ^-^ me, some 
extempowaw god of whyme, fow I *giggles shyly* am suwe I shaww tuwn sonnyet. 
Devise, wit; wwite, *blushes* pen; fow OwO I *cuddles you* am fow whowe vowumes in fowio. 
Exit 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF T-THE COMPWETE WOWKS uWu OF ^w^ WIWWIAM 
^.^ SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD W-WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY *pokes you* PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) *cries* AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
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*looks away* COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY A-ANY 
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ACT II. SCENyE II. 
The pawk 

Entew *hugs tightly* the *notices bulge* PWINCESS OF FWANCE, with thwee attending ^w^ wadies, 
WOSAWINyE, M-MAWIA, KATHAWINyE, BOYET, a-and two *shuffles closer* othew WOWDS 

BOYET. Nyow, m-madam, summon up youw *looks at you* deawest spiwits. 
Considew who the King y-youw fathew sends, 
To whom he sends, and what's his :33 embassy: 
*shuffles closer* Youwsewf, hewd pwecious i-in the wowwd's esteem, 
To pawwey UwU with ^w^ the sowe *sighs* inhewitow 
Of aww p-pewfections that :33 a man *cuddles you* may owe, 
M-Matchwess Nyavawwe; the ^w^ pwea of nyo wess weight 
Than Aquitainye, a dowwy fow a queen. 
Be n-nyow as pwodigaw xDD of aww deaw gwace 
A-As Nyatuwe was i-in making g-gwaces deaw, 
When ;;w;; she did stawve the genyewaw wowwd beside 
And pwodigawwy gave them aww to you. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Good *leans over* Wowd Boyet, *looks at you* my beauty, though but mean, 
N-Nyeeds n-nyot the *blushes* painted fwouwish of youw pwaise. 
Beauty i-is bought by judgment of the eye, 
N-Nyot utt'wed *shuffles closer* by base sawe of >_< chapmen's tongues; 
I am wess pwoud to heaw you teww my w-wowth 
Than you much UwU wiwwing to be counted wise 
In spending youw wit *looks away* in the pwaise of *looks away* minye. 
But *moans* nyow to task the taskew: good Boyet, 
Y-You *moans* awe nyot ignyowant a-aww-tewwing f-fame 
Doth nyoise abwoad Nyavawwe h-hath made a-a v-vow, 
Tiww painfuw study :33 shaww outweaw *blushes* thwee yeaws, 
Nyo >_> woman may a-appwoach his s-siwent couwt. 
Thewefowe *teleports behind you* to's seemeth it a nyeedfuw c-couwse, 
Befowe we entew his fowbidden gates, 
To knyow his pweasuwe; and i-in that b-behawf, 
Bowd of youw *giggles shyly* wowthinyess, we s-singwe you 
*sighs* As ^w^ ouw best-moving faiw sowicitow. 
Teww *moans* him the d-daughtew of the King of Fwance, 
On s-sewious xDD businyess, cwaving ^.^ quick ^w^ dispatch, 
Impowtunyes pewsonyaw confewence *teleports behind you* with *giggles shyly* his G-Gwace. 
Haste, s-signyify so much; whiwe we attend, 
W-Wike h-humbwe-visag'd suitows, his high wiww. 
BOYET. Pwoud of empwoyment, *notices bulge* wiwwingwy I go. 
P-PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Aww pwide is w-wiwwing >_< pwide, a-and youws i-is so. 
>w< Exit BOYET 
Who awe the v-votawies, my woving wowds, 
T-That awe *teleports behind you* vow-fewwows with this viwtuous duke? 
FIWST WOWD. Wowd Wongaviwwe i-is onye. 
PWINCESS OF uWu FWANCE. Knyow you the man? 
MAWIA. I knyow him, madam; at a mawwiage feast, 
Between *shuffles closer* Wowd Pewigowt and t-the *cries* beauteous >_< heiw 
O-Of Jaques Fawconbwidge, sowemnyized 
*pokes you* In N-Nyowmandy, *teleports behind you* saw I this Wongaviwwe. 
A man of s-soveweign pawts, peewwess esteem'd, 
Weww fitted in awts, gwowious in awms; 
Nyothing b-becomes him iww that he w-wouwd weww. 
The o-onwy soiw of his *leans over* faiw viwtue's gwoss, 
If viwtue's gwoss wiww stain with any soiw, 
Is UwU a shawp wit match'd w-with too bwunt a wiww, 
Whose edge hath powew to cut, whose wiww stiww wiwws 
It shouwd *twerks* nyonye s-spawe that c-come w-within his powew. 
PWINCESS OF *looks away* FWANCE. Some mewwy mocking wowd, bewike; *hugs tightly* is't so? 
MAWIA. They say so most that most his humouws knyow. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Such showt-wiv'd wits do withew *moans* as they gwow. 
Who a-awe the west? 
>_< KATHAWINyE. The young Dumain, a weww-accompwish'd youth, 
Of aww t-that v-viwtue wove :33 fow viwtue w-woved; 
Most xDD powew t-to do most *sighs* hawm, weast knyowing iww, 
Fow *giggles shyly* he h-hath wit to *twerks* make an iww shape good, 
And s-shape to win *blushes* gwace though he had nyo wit. 
I saw him at ^.^ the Duke Awencon's once; 
And m-much too wittwe of that good I saw 
Is my wepowt to his gweat w-wowthinyess. 
WOSAWINyE. Anyothew of these students at that time 
*pokes you* Was *sweats* thewe w-with him, if I h-have heawd a twuth. 
:33 Bewownye they c-caww *sighs* him; but a mewwiew man, 
uWu Within the w-wimit of b-becoming miwth, 
I-I nyevew spent an houw's t-tawk withaw. 
His eye begets occasion f-fow his *hugs tightly* wit, 
Fow evewy object *blushes* that the o-onye doth catch 
The othew tuwns to a *teleports behind you* miwth-moving jest, 
Which his faiw tongue, conceit's e-expositow, 
Dewivews in such apt and gwacious *sighs* wowds 
That aged eaws pway twuant at his tawes, 
And *sweats* youngew heawings awe quite wavished; 
So sweet and vowubwe is his discouwse. 
P-PWINCESS O-OF FWANCE. God bwess my wadies! Awe they aww in wove, 
That evewy o-onye hew own hath gawnyished 
*pokes you* With such *sweats* bedecking ownyaments of pwaise? 
FIWST WOWD. Hewe *screams* comes Boyet. 

We-entew BOYET 

PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Nyow, what admittance, wowd? 
BOYET. Nyavawwe had nyotice *cuddles you* of youw faiw *teleports behind you* appwoach, 
*cuddles you* And he and his competitows in >w< oath 
Wewe aww addwess'd to meet you, gentwe wady, 
Befowe I came. Mawwy, t-thus much I have weawnt: 
^.^ He wathew means to wodge you in *cuddles you* the fiewd, 
Wike onye that comes hewe to besiege his couwt, 
Than s-seek a *looks away* dispensation fow h-his oath, 
To wet you entew his unpeopwed *giggles shyly* house. 
[The WADIES-IN-WAITING mask] 

*twerks* Entew KING, WONGAVIWWE, DUMAIN, BEWOWNyE, 
:3 and A-ATTENDANTS 

Hewe *cries* comes Nyavawwe. 
:3 KING. Faiw P-Pwincess, wewcome to the *looks at you* couwt *pokes you* of Nyavawwe. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. *shuffles closer* 'Faiw' I give you back a-again; and 'wewcome' *blushes* I 
have n-nyot yet. *notices bulge* The woof *cries* of this c-couwt is too high to be youws, and 
wewcome to the wide *cuddles you* fiewds too base to be minye. 
KING. You shaww be wewcome, *screams* madam, to my couwt. 
PWINCESS *notices bulge* OF FWANCE. I wiww >w< be wewcome then; conduct me thithew. 
KING. Heaw me, deaw wady: I have swown an oath- 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Ouw W-Wady hewp my wowd! He'ww be fowswown. 
KING. Nyot fow the wowwd, faiw madam, by my w-wiww. 
PWINCESS O-OF FWANCE. Why, wiww shaww bweak it; wiww, and nyothing 
ewse. 
KING. Youw wadyship is ignyowant what i-it is. 
P-PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Wewe my ^w^ wowd s-so, his ignyowance wewe wise, 
Whewe n-nyow his knyowwedge must pwove ignyowance. 
I h-heaw youw Gwace hath swown out house-keeping. 
'Tis deadwy sin to uWu keep that oath, m-my wowd, 
And sin *pokes you* to bweak it. 
But *twerks* pawdon :33 me, I UwU am too sudden *blushes* bowd; 
To teach a teachew iww beseemeth *pokes you* me. 
Vouchsafe to wead t-the puwpose of my coming, 
And suddenwy wesowve me *teleports behind you* in x3 my suit. [Giving a p-papew] 
KING. Madam, I wiww, if s-suddenwy I may. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. YOU Wiww t-the s-soonyew that I *screams* wewe away, 
*hugs tightly* Fow you'ww p-pwove pewjuw'd if you make me stay. 
BEWOWNyE. Did nyot I dance with you in Bwabant once? 
KATHAWINyE. *looks at you* Did nyot I dance xDD with you in ^w^ Bwabant once? 
BEWOWNyE. I knyow you did. 
KATHAWINyE. H-How nyeedwess was it then to ask the question! 
BEWOWNyE. You must nyot be so quick. 
KATHAWINyE. 'Tis wong of you, that spuw me with such q-questions. 
BEWOWNyE. Youw wit '-'s too hot, it ^w^ speeds t-too fast, 'twiww tiwe. 
KATHAWINyE. Nyot tiww it w-weave the widew in t-the miwe. 
BEWOWNyE. What time o' day? 
KATHAWINyE. T-The houw that ^-^ foows shouwd >w< ask. 
BEWOWNyE. Nyow faiw befaww y-youw mask! 
KATHAWINyE. F-Faiw faww *cuddles you* the *teleports behind you* face it covews! 
BEWOWNyE. And send you many wovews! 
KATHAWINyE. Amen, so you >w< be nyonye. 
BEWOWNyE. *cuddles you* Nyay, then wiww *notices bulge* I b-be gonye. 
KING. Madam, youw fathew uWu hewe doth intimate 
*notices bulge* The payment of a hundwed thousand cwowns; 
Being b-but the onye hawf of an entiwe s-sum 
D-Disbuwsed ^.^ by my fathew in his waws. 
But say that he ow >w< we, as nyeithew have, 
W-Weceiv'd that sum, yet thewe *twerks* wemains unpaid 
A hundwed t-thousand mowe, in suwety of the which, 
Onye pawt of Aquitainye is bound to *shuffles closer* us, 
Awthough nyot vawued to ^.^ the monyey's *blushes* wowth. 
I-If t-then the King youw fathew wiww westowe 
But t-that onye hawf w-which is unsatisfied, 
We wiww give up ouw wight in Aquitainye, 
*hugs tightly* And h-howd faiw fwiendship w-with his ^-^ Majesty. 
But t-that, *looks away* it seems, he wittwe puwposeth, 
F-Fow hewe *shuffles closer* he ;;w;; doth demand t-to have w-wepaid 
A hundwed thousand c-cwowns; >w< and n-nyot demands, 
*pokes you* On payment of a hundwed thousand cwowns, 
To have his titwe wive in A-Aquitainye; 
Which we ^.^ much wathew had depawt withaw, 
And h-have the monyey by ouw fathew went, 
Than Aquitainye s-so gewded as it is. 
D-Deaw Pwincess, wewe n-nyot his w-wequests s-so faw 
Fwom weason's yiewding, youw *hugs tightly* faiw sewf shouwd make 
A yiewding 'gainst some xDD weason in my bweast, 
And go weww s-satisfied to x3 Fwance again. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. You do t-the ^w^ King my fathew too much w-wwong, 
And wwong the weputation of youw nyame, 
In so unseeming to confess weceipt 
Of that which hath so faithfuwwy been paid. 
K-KING. I do pwotest I nyevew heawd *cries* of it; 
^.^ And, if you pwove i-it, I'ww *moans* wepay it back 
Ow *moans* yiewd up Aquitainye. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. We a-awwest youw *leans over* wowd. 
Boyet, you can pwoduce x3 acquittances 
F-Fow such a sum fwom speciaw o-officews 
Of Chawwes his fathew. 
KING. Satisfy me so. 
OwO BOYET. xDD So pwease youw Gwace, the packet ^-^ is nyot come, 
Whewe that and *giggles shyly* othew speciawties awe *hugs tightly* bound; 
To-mowwow you shaww have *teleports behind you* a sight of them. 
KING. It shaww s-suffice me; at which intewview 
Aww wibewaw ^.^ weason I wiww yiewd u-unto. 
M-Meantime weceive such w-wewcome at my hand 
As honyouw, without bweach of honyouw, may 
Make tendew of to thy twue ;;w;; wowthinyess. 
Y-You m-may nyot come, faiw Pwincess, within my gates; 
But *cuddles you* hewe without you shaww *notices bulge* be so weceiv'd 
As ^-^ you shaww deem youwsewf w-wodg'd in my heawt, 
Though so denyied *leans over* faiw *twerks* hawbouw in my house. 
Youw own good *sweats* thoughts excuse me, and faweweww. 
To-mowwow shaww w-we visit you UwU again. 
PWINCESS O-OF *pokes you* FWANCE. Sweet :3 heawth and faiw desiwes consowt xDD youw 
Gwace! 
KING. Thy :33 own *twerks* wish wish I thee in evewy pwace. 
Exit with attendants 
BEWOWNyE. Wady, I wiww commend you to *looks away* minye own heawt. 
>_< WOSAWINyE. Pway *pokes you* you, *looks away* do my commendations; 
I wouwd be gwad t-to see it. 
BEWOWNyE. I wouwd you heawd it gwoan. 
WOSAWINyE. :3 Is the foow xDD sick? 
BEWOWNyE. Sick at the heawt. 
WOSAWINyE. Awack, wet it bwood. 
BEWOWNyE. Wouwd that do it *cuddles you* good? 
>_< WOSAWINyE. My physic says 'ay.' 
BEWOWNyE. Wiww YOU pwick't w-with youw *pokes you* eye? 
WOSAWINyE. N-Nyo point, with *sighs* my ^-^ knyife. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Nyow, G-God save thy wife! 
WOSAWINyE. And y-youws f-fwom w-wong wiving! 
BEWOWNyE. I cannyot stay thanksgiving. [Wetiwing] 
DUMAIN. *twerks* Siw, I ;;w;; pway you, a w-wowd: what w-wady i-is that same? 
B-BOYET. The heiw of Awencon, Kathawinye hew nyame. 
DUMAIN. A g-gawwant wady! Monsieuw, fawe you weww. Exit 
WONGAVIWWE. I *teleports behind you* beseech you a w-wowd: what >_< is she i-in the white? 
BOYET. A w-woman sometimes, an you saw *leans over* hew in the wight. 
WONGAVIWWE. P-Pewchance wight i-in the wight. I desiwe hew nyame. 
BOYET. She h-hath but onye fow hewsewf; t-to desiwe that w-wewe a shame. 
WONGAVIWWE. >_> Pway you, siw, whose *looks away* daughtew? 
BOYET. ^w^ Hew mothew's, I-I h-have heawd. 
WONGAVIWWE. God's bwessing on youw beawd! 
BOYET. Good siw, be nyot o-offended; 
She is an heiw of Fawconbwidge. 
WONGAVIWWE. Nyay, my c-chowew is ended. 
She is a most *cuddles you* sweet wady. 
BOYET. Nyot unwike, siw; OwO that may *shuffles closer* be. Exit WONGAVIWWE 
BEWOWNyE. *sighs* What's hew nyame in the cap? 
BOYET. *sighs* Wosawinye, by good *giggles shyly* hap. 
B-BEWOWNyE. I-Is she wedded ow >_< nyo? 
BOYET. *cuddles you* To h-hew wiww, siw, ow x3 so. 
BEWOWNyE. You awe wewcome, s-siw; adieu! 
BOYET. Faweweww to me, siw, and wewcome to you. 
Exit BEWOWNyE. WADIES Unmask 
MAWIA. T-That wast i-is Bewownye, t-the m-mewwy mad-cap wowd; 
Nyot a wowd x3 with h-him but a jest. 
BOYET. A-And evewy j-jest b-but a wowd. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. It was w-weww donye of you to take him at his 
wowd. 
BOYET. I was as wiwwing to *cuddles you* gwappwe as *giggles shyly* he *sweats* was to boawd. 
KATHAWINyE. Two hot sheeps, mawwy! 
BOYET. And whewefowe nyot ships? 
Nyo ;;w;; sheep, sweet >_< wamb, unwess we feed *notices bulge* on y-youw wips. 
KATHAWINyE. You sheep and I pastuwe- shaww that f-finyish the jest? 
*sighs* BOYET. S-So you gwant *hugs tightly* pastuwe fow m-me. [-[Offewing to kiss hew] 
KATHAWINyE. Nyot so, gentwe *screams* beast; 
My wips a-awe nyo common, though sevewaw they be. 
BOYET. Bewonging to whom? 
KATHAWINyE. To my fowtunyes and me. 
PWINCESS OF F-FWANCE. Good wits wiww be *moans* jangwing; *twerks* but, g-gentwes, 
agwee; 
This civiw *hugs tightly* waw of *screams* wits wewe much bettew used 
O-On Nyavawwe and his *notices bulge* book-men, fow hewe 'tis abused. 
BOYET. If my obsewvation, which vewy *giggles shyly* sewdom *pokes you* wies, 
By the heawt's s-stiww whetowic *blushes* discwosed w-with *teleports behind you* eyes, 
Deceive me n-nyot nyow, Nyavawwe is infected. 
PWINCESS OF F-FWANCE. With what? 
BOYET. With that ^.^ which we wovews entitwe 'affected.' 
PWINCESS OF F-FWANCE. Youw weason? 
BOYET. Why, *sweats* aww his behaviouws did make :3 theiw wetiwe 
To the couwt of h-his eye, peeping thowough desiwe. 
His heawt, *looks at you* wike an *looks at you* agate, w-with youw pwint i-impwessed, 
Pwoud with h-his fowm, in OwO his >w< eye pwide UwU expwessed; 
His tongue, aww impatient t-to speak and nyot see, 
Did s-stumbwe *blushes* with haste in his eyesight *blushes* to be; 
Aww senses to t-that sense did make theiw wepaiw, 
To feew onwy wooking on f-faiwest *teleports behind you* of faiw. 
Methought aww his senses wewe wock'd in his eye, 
As jewews *sweats* in cwystaw fow some pwince to buy; 
Who, tend'wing theiw own wowth fwom whewe they wewe gwass'd, 
*cuddles you* Did point y-you to buy them, awong as y-you *screams* pass'd. 
His face's own m-mawgent did quote s-such amazes 
That aww eyes saw his eyes *hugs tightly* enchanted with gazes. 
I-I'ww g-give xDD you A-Aquitainye a-and aww uWu that i-is his, 
A-An you give him *sighs* fow my sake but onye woving kiss. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Come, to ouw *pokes you* paviwion. B-Boyet is d-dispos'd. 
B-BOYET. But to speak that in wowds which his eye h-hath discwos'd; 
I-I onwy have made a mouth of his eye, 
By adding a tongue which I knyow x3 wiww nyot wie. 
M-MAWIA. Thou awt an owd wove-mongew, and speakest skiwfuwwy. 
KATHAWINyE. He is Cupid's g-gwandfathew, and weawns nyews of him. 
W-WOSAWINyE. Then was Venyus wike hew mothew; fow hew *teleports behind you* fathew is but 
gwim. 
BOYET. x3 Do you heaw, my mad wenches? 
OwO MAWIA. Nyo. 
BOYET. What, *giggles shyly* then; do y-you x3 see? 
MAWIA. *looks at you* Ay, ouw way to x3 be gonye. 
x3 BOYET. You *teleports behind you* awe too hawd *cuddles you* fow me. *hugs tightly* Exeunt 




<<THIS E-EWECTWONyIC VEWSION O-OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1-1990-1993 *giggles shyly* BY WOWWD *giggles shyly* WIBWAWY, I-INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED B-BY P-PWOJECT GUTENBEWG *giggles shyly* ETEXT OwO OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *looks at you* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED *looks away* SO WONG AS *giggles shyly* SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) AWE FOW Y-YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE *pokes you* ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION I-INCWUDES BY A-ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME ^w^ OW FOW M-MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT III. SCENyE I. 
The pawk 

Entew AWMADO and MOTH 

AWMADO. Wawbwe, *leans over* chiwd; make passionyate *giggles shyly* my sense o-of heawing. 
[MOTH sings Concowinyew] 
AWMADO. Sweet aiw! Go, tendewnyess of yeaws, take this key, give 
enwawgement to the s-swain, bwing him festinyatewy *moans* hithew; I must 
empwoy *leans over* him i-in a wettew to my wove. 
MOTH. Mastew, wiww you ^w^ win youw wove w-with ^-^ a Fwench bwaww? 
A-AWMADO. *twerks* How *hugs tightly* meanyest *leans over* thou? Bwawwing in Fwench? 
MOTH. *cuddles you* Nyo, my compwete mastew; *screams* but to jig off >_< a *sweats* tunye at the tongue's 
end, canyawy to it with youw feet, humouw *twerks* it w-with tuwnying up youw 
e-eyewids, sigh a nyote and s-sing a-a n-nyote, sometime thwough the 
*leans over* thwoat, as if you swawwowed *sweats* wove with singing wove, sometime 
thwough the nyose, as if you s-snyuff'd up wove x3 by smewwing wove, 
with youw h-hat penthouse-wike o'ew the shop of youw eyes, with 
youw *shuffles closer* awms cwoss'd on youw thin-bewwy doubwet, wike a wabbit on a 
*screams* spit, o-ow y-youw hands in youw ^-^ pocket, wike a man aftew the o-owd 
painting; and keep nyot t-too wong in >w< onye tunye, but *twerks* a snyip and away. 
OwO These *teleports behind you* awe compwements, OwO these awe *cuddles you* humouws; these betway nyice 
wenches, *notices bulge* that w-wouwd be b-betwayed ^.^ without these; and x3 make them men 
*screams* of nyote- do you nyote m-me?- t-that most awe a-affected to t-these. 
AWMADO. H-How hast thou puwchased OwO this e-expewience? 
*looks at you* MOTH. By my p-penny of obsewvation. 
*screams* AWMADO. But O- but O- 
MOTH. The hobby-howse i-is fowgot. 
AWMADO. Caww'st thou my w-wove 'hobby-howse'? 
MOTH. Nyo, mastew; the hobby-howse i-is but a cowt, *shuffles closer* and youw *screams* wove 
pewhaps a hacknyey. B-But >_< have you f-fowgot youw wove? 
AWMADO. Awmost I had. 
MOTH. Nyegwigent student! weawn hew by heawt. 
AWMADO. By h-heawt a-and *sweats* in heawt, boy. 
MOTH. And out of heawt, mastew; aww those thwee I wiww pwove. 
AWMADO. What wiwt thou pwove? 
*hugs tightly* MOTH. A man, if I *notices bulge* wive; and this, by, in, and without, upon the 
instant. By heawt y-you wove h-hew, :3 because youw heawt cannyot c-come b-by 
hew; i-in heawt you wove hew, because youw heawt is in *pokes you* wove with 
h-hew; and out of heawt you w-wove hew, being out of heawt that you 
cannyot enjoy hew. 
A-AWMADO. I a-am aww t-these thwee. 
MOTH. And thwee times as *looks away* much mowe, and yet nyothing at *blushes* aww. 
AWMADO. Fetch hithew the swain; he must cawwy me ;;w;; a wettew. 
M-MOTH. A :3 message w-weww *moans* sympathiz'd- a howse to be ambassadow f-fow an 
ass. 
AWMADO. Ha, ha, xDD what sayest t-thou? 
MOTH. Mawwy, s-siw, you must send the a-ass upon the howse, fow he i-is 
vewy s-swow-gaited. But >w< I go. 
AWMADO. The way ^-^ is but showt; away. 
MOTH. *sighs* As swift as *moans* wead, siw. 
AWMADO. The meanying, pwetty ingenyious? 
Is nyot wead a metaw *blushes* heavy, duww, and swow? 
MOTH. Minyime, honyest mastew; ow w-wathew, mastew, nyo. 
AWMADO. I *blushes* say wead is swow. 
M-MOTH. You *blushes* awe *looks at you* too swift, siw, to say s-so: 
Is that wead swow which is fiw'd f-fwom a gun? 
AWMADO. Sweet smoke of whetowic! 
He weputes me a-a *twerks* cannyon; and the buwwet, that's *moans* he; 
I shoot thee ;;w;; at t-the *screams* swain. 
MOTH. UwU Thump, then, and I fwee. Exit 
AWMADO. A most acute juvenyaw; vowabwe and f-fwee of gwace! 
By t-thy favouw, sweet wewkin, I must sigh i-in thy face; 
Most wude *notices bulge* mewanchowy, vawouw gives thee pwace. 
My *cries* hewawd is wetuwn'd. 

We-entew MOTH with C-COSTAWD 

MOTH. *sweats* A *leans over* wondew, mastew! hewe's a costawd bwoken in a shin. 
AWMADO. *blushes* Some *pokes you* enyigma, some widdwe; come, *looks at you* thy w'envoy; begin. 
COSTAWD. *teleports behind you* Nyo egma, nyo widdwe, nyo w'envoy; nyo s-sawve in the maiw, siw. 
O, OwO siw, pwantain, a pwain pwantain; nyo w'envoy, nyo w'envoy; nyo 
sawve, siw, but a pwantain! 
*twerks* AWMADO. By v-viwtue thou enfowcest *leans over* waughtew; thy siwwy thought, my 
spween; *notices bulge* the heaving of my wungs pwovokes OwO me to >_> widicuwous 
smiwing. O-O, pawdon me, my staws! D-Doth the inconsidewate take 
sawve ^.^ fow ^.^ w'envoy, and the wowd 'w'envoy' fow a sawve? 
MOTH. xDD Do the w-wise *sweats* think them othew? Is nyot w'envoy a-a sawve? 
AWMADO. Nyo, page; it is an epiwogue ow discouwse to make ;;w;; pwain 
Some obscuwe pwecedence t-that hath tofowe been sain. 
I wiww exampwe it: 
The fox, the ape, OwO and :3 the *screams* humbwe-bee, 
Wewe s-stiww at odds, being but thwee. 
Thewe's the mowaw. Nyow the w'envoy. 
M-MOTH. I :33 wiww *notices bulge* add the w'envoy. Say the mowaw ^w^ again. 
AWMADO. The fox, :3 the ape, a-and the *pokes you* humbwe-bee, 
Wewe stiww at *blushes* odds, being but thwee. 
MOTH. Untiw *leans over* the goose came out o-of *sweats* doow, 
And stay'd the odds by *shuffles closer* adding fouw. 
Nyow wiww I begin youw *looks at you* mowaw, and ^.^ do you fowwow >w< with my w'envoy. 
The fox, the ape, and the humbwe-bee, 
W-Wewe stiww at odds, being but t-thwee. 
AWMADO. Untiw the *hugs tightly* goose c-came out of *leans over* doow, 
Staying the odds by adding fouw. 
MOTH. A good w'envoy, uWu ending i-in t-the goose; ^-^ wouwd you desiwe m-mowe? 
COSTAWD. The b-boy hath sowd him a bawgain, a goose, that's fwat. 
Siw, youw pennywowth is UwU good, an youw goose be f-fat. 
To seww a bawgain *shuffles closer* weww is a-as c-cunnying as fast and woose; 
Wet me see: a fat w'envoy; ay, that's a fat g-goose. 
A-AWMADO. Come hithew, *giggles shyly* come hithew. How did *blushes* this *sighs* awgument begin? 
MOTH. By saying t-that a c-costawd was bwoken in a shin. 
*pokes you* Then caww'd you fow the w'envoy. 
COSTAWD. Twue, and I fow a pwantain. *sweats* Thus came youw awgument in; 
Then the boy's fat w'envoy, t-the goose that you bought; 
A-And he ended the mawket. 
AWMADO. But teww me: how was thewe a costawd bwoken in a shin? 
M-MOTH. I wiww teww y-you sensibwy. 
C-COSTAWD. Thou hast nyo feewing of it, Moth; I wiww speak that 
w-w'envoy. 
I, Costawd, wunnying out, that was safewy within, 
Feww ovew >_< the thweshowd and bwoke my shin. 
AWMADO. UwU We *notices bulge* wiww tawk nyo mowe of this >_< mattew. 
COSTAWD. Tiww thewe be mowe mattew in the shin. 
AWMADO. *cries* Siwwah Costawd. I wiww enfwanchise thee. 
*notices bulge* COSTAWD. O, Mawwy *shuffles closer* me to onye Fwances! I smeww some w'envoy, some 
goose, in this. 
AWMADO. By my sweet souw, I m-mean setting thee at wibewty, 
enfweedoming >_> thy pewson; thou wewt immuwed, westwainyed, 
captivated, bound. 
COSTAWD. Twue, twue; a-and n-nyow you wiww be my puwgation, and wet me 
woose. 
AWMADO. ^-^ I give thee thy wibewty, set thee fwom duwance; and, in 
wieu *looks away* theweof, impose on *cries* thee nyothing but this: beaw this 
signyificant [giving a ^-^ wettew] to the countwy maid Jaquenyetta; 
thewe is wemunyewation, fow the best wawd of m-minye honyouw *sighs* is 
wewawding my *cries* dependents. M-Moth, fowwow. Exit 
MOTH. Wike the sequew, I. Signyiow Costawd, adieu. 
C-COSTAWD. *moans* My xDD sweet ounce of man's fwesh, my incony Jew! 
Exit MOTH 
Nyow *cries* wiww *twerks* I *teleports behind you* wook t-to his wemunyewation. Wemunyewation! O, that's the 
Watin wowd fow thwee fawthings. Thwee f-fawthings- wemunyewation. 
'What's *sweats* the :33 pwice of >_< this inkwe?'- 'Onye penny.'- 'Nyo, I'ww :3 give 
you a wemunyewation.' Why, it UwU cawwies it. Wemunyewation! Why, i-it i-is 
a faiwew nyame than Fwench *cries* cwown. *giggles shyly* I wiww nyevew >_> buy and *cuddles you* seww UwU out of 
this wowd. 

Entew B-BEWOWNyE 

BEWOWNyE. My good knyave Costawd, exceedingwy weww met! 
COSTAWD. P-Pway y-you, siw, how much *hugs tightly* cawnyation wibbon may a man buy fow 
a *cuddles you* wemunyewation? 
BEWOWNyE. What is a wemunyewation? 
>_> COSTAWD. Mawwy, siw, hawfpenny fawthing. 
BEWOWNyE. Why, then, thwee-fawthing wowth o-of siwk. 
C-COSTAWD. I thank youw wowship. God *notices bulge* be wi' you! 
BEWOWNyE. Stay, swave; I must *teleports behind you* empwoy thee. 
As thou wiwt ^-^ win my f-favouw, good my knyave, 
Do onye thing fow me that I s-shaww entweat. 
OwO COSTAWD. When wouwd you h-have it donye, siw? 
B-BEWOWNyE. This aftewnyoon. 
^.^ COSTAWD. Weww, I wiww do it, siw; *sighs* fawe you weww. 
BEWOWNyE. uWu Thou knyowest nyot w-what it is. 
COSTAWD. I shaww *looks away* knyow, siw, when I have donye it. 
*looks at you* BEWOWNyE. Why, viwwain, thou must knyow fiwst. 
COSTAWD. I wiww come t-to youw wowship t-to-mowwow mownying. 
BEWOWNyE. It must be donye this aftewnyoon. 
>_< Hawk, swave, it is but this: 
T-The P-Pwincess comes to hunt hewe in the pawk, 
And in hew twain t-thewe is a gentwe wady; 
When tongues speak sweetwy, then they nyame hew n-nyame, 
And Wosawinye they caww hew. Ask x3 fow hew, 
And to hew w-white hand see thou do commend 
This ;;w;; seaw'd-up xDD counsew. Thewe's thy guewdon; go. 
[Giving him >w< a shiwwing] 
*hugs tightly* COSTAWD. Gawdon, O sweet gawdon! bettew than wemunyewation; *cries* a 
'weven-pence fawthing bettew; most sweet *looks at you* gawdon! I wiww do i-it, 
*sighs* siw, in pwint. Gawdon- wemunyewation! Exit 
BEWOWNyE. And I, fowsooth, in wove; I, that have b-been wove's whip; 
A v-vewy beadwe t-to a humowous s-sigh; 
*looks at you* A cwitic, nyay, a nyight-watch constabwe; 
A dominyeewing pedant ^.^ o'ew the boy, 
Than *looks at you* whom nyo mowtaw so *moans* magnyificent! 
This w-wimpwed, whinying, puwbwind, w-waywawd boy, 
This senyiow-junyiow, giant-dwawf, Dan Cupid; 
Wegent of >_< wove-whymes, wowd of fowded awms, 
Th' anyointed s-soveweign of sighs a-and >_> gwoans, 
*leans over* Wiege xDD of aww woitewews and *pokes you* mawcontents, 
Dwead p-pwince of pwackets, king of codpieces, 
Sowe ^w^ impewatow, and gweat genyewaw 
O-Of twotting pawitows. O my wittwe heawt! 
And I-I to be a cowpowaw of his fiewd, 
And weaw his cowouws wike a tumbwew's h-hoop! 
What! *hugs tightly* I *notices bulge* wove, I sue, I-I seek *screams* a ;;w;; wife- 
A woman, that i-is wike a-a Gewman c-cwock, 
Stiww a-wepaiwing, e-evew out *screams* of fwame, 
And nyevew going :33 awight, b-being a w-watch, 
But uWu being watch'd that it m-may s-stiww go w-wight! 
Nyay, to be pewjuw'd, w-which i-is wowst o-of aww; 
A-And, a-among thwee, to wove the wowst of aww, 
A *sweats* whitewy wanton with a vewvet bwow, 
With :3 two pitch bawws >w< stuck in hew face f-fow eyes; 
A-Ay, and, by heaven, o-onye that wiww do the *notices bulge* deed, 
Though Awgus wewe hew eunyuch and hew g-guawd. 
And *sighs* I to sigh fow hew! to watch fow hew! 
T-To pway fow hew! Go to; it is a pwague 
That Cupid wiww :33 impose fow *shuffles closer* my nyegwect 
>_> Of his awmighty dweadfuw wittwe might. 
Weww, I w-wiww wove, wwite, *hugs tightly* sigh, pway, sue, and gwoan: 
Some ^w^ men *giggles shyly* must wove my *hugs tightly* wady, and some Joan. Exit 




<-<<THIS E-EWECTWONyIC V-VEWSION O-OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 *leans over* BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., *teleports behind you* AND IS 
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DISTWIBUTED *cuddles you* SO >_< WONG AS SUCH *shuffles closer* COPIES *moans* (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
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*cries* ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
The pawk 

Entew *blushes* the *looks at you* PWINCESS, WOSAWINyE, M-MAWIA, KATHAWINyE, B-BOYET, WOWDS, ATTENDANTS, 
and a FOWESTEW 

PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Was that >_< the K-King *moans* that spuww'd his howse so 
hawd 
Against the s-steep *leans over* upwising of t-the hiww? 
*screams* BOYET. I knyow nyot; but I think *cuddles you* it was OwO nyot he. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. W-Whoe'ew ^.^ 'a was, '-'a show'd a mounting mind. 
W-Weww, wowds, *teleports behind you* to-day we shaww have ouw *notices bulge* dispatch; 
On Satuwday we wiww wetuwn to Fwance. 
T-Then, fowestew, *shuffles closer* my f-fwiend, whewe is the bush 
That *screams* we must stand and pway the *screams* muwdewew in? 
FOWESTEW. Heweby, upon the e-edge of yondew *screams* coppice; 
A stand whewe y-you may make the faiwest OwO shoot. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. I *leans over* thank my beauty *screams* I am faiw that shoot, 
A-And OwO theweupon thou speak'st the faiwest xDD shoot. 
FOWESTEW. P-Pawdon m-me, madam, fow I meant nyot so. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. What, what? Fiwst pwaise m-me, and *shuffles closer* again *leans over* say n-nyo? 
O showt-wiv'd pwide! N-Nyot faiw? Awack *sweats* fow woe! 
FOWESTEW. Yes, madam, *cries* faiw. 
P-PWINCESS O-OF F-FWANCE. Nyay, nyevew p-paint *looks away* me nyow; 
Whewe faiw is nyot, *blushes* pwaise cannyot mend the bwow. 
Hewe, good my *teleports behind you* gwass, take this fow tewwing twue: 
[ G-Giving h-him m-monyey] 
Faiw payment fow fouw wowds is *pokes you* mowe than due. 
F-FOWESTEW. *twerks* Nyothing but faiw is that *teleports behind you* which >w< you inhewit. 
P-PWINCESS OF FWANCE. See, s-see, my beauty wiww be *pokes you* sav'd by mewit. 
O hewesy in faiw, fit fow these days! 
A giving *screams* hand, though fouw, shaww have faiw pwaise. 
But come, the ^-^ bow. N-Nyow m-mewcy goes to kiww, 
A-And :33 shooting weww is then accounted *shuffles closer* iww; 
uWu Thus wiww I save my cwedit in the shoot: 
Nyot wounding, pity wouwd nyot wet me d-do't; 
If wounding, then i-it was to show my skiww, 
That mowe f-fow pwaise than p-puwpose meant to kiww. 
And, out of question, so it is sometimes: 
Gwowy gwows guiwty of detested cwimes, 
When, fow fame's sake, fow pwaise, an outwawd pawt, 
We b-bend to t-that ^-^ the wowking >w< of UwU the heawt; 
As *screams* I fow pwaise awonye nyow x3 seek to spiww 
:3 The poow deew's *shuffles closer* bwood that my heawt means nyo iww. 
BOYET. Do nyot cuwst wives howd that sewf-soveweignty 
Onwy f-fow pwaise s-sake, w-when they stwive to *cuddles you* be 
Wowds o-o'ew theiw wowds? 
PWINCESS OF F-FWANCE. Onwy fow ;;w;; pwaise; a-and pwaise we may affowd 
To any wady that subdues *moans* a w-wowd. 

Entew C-COSTAWD 

BOYET. *leans over* Hewe comes a membew of >w< the commonweawth. 
uWu COSTAWD. God dig-you-den aww! Pway you, :3 which is the head wady? 
PWINCESS *sighs* OF FWANCE. Thou shawt k-knyow hew, fewwow, by the *blushes* west that 
*sighs* have nyo heads. 
COSTAWD. Which UwU is the gweatest wady, the highest? 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. The thickest and t-the *hugs tightly* tawwest. 
COSTAWD. The thickest UwU and *blushes* the tawwest! It is so; twuth *sighs* is twuth. 
An youw *notices bulge* waist, mistwess, w-wewe as swendew as my wit, 
Onye o' these maids' giwdwes fow youw waist shouwd be OwO fit. 
Awe nyot you the chief woman? You awe ^-^ the thickest hewe. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. *screams* What's youw wiww, siw? W-What's youw wiww? 
COSTAWD. I have a wettew *moans* fwom Monsieuw Bewownye to o-onye 
W-Wady x3 Wosawinye. 
P-PWINCESS OF FWANCE. O, thy wettew, thy wettew! He's a *notices bulge* good fwiend 
of minye. 
Stand aside, g-good beawew. Boyet, y-you ^-^ can c-cawve. 
Bweak up this capon. 
B-BOYET. I am bound to sewve. 
T-This wettew *sighs* is mistook; it *twerks* impowteth nyonye hewe. 
It is wwit to Jaquenyetta. 
*pokes you* PWINCESS OF FWANCE. ;;w;; We wiww wead *notices bulge* it, I sweaw. 
B-Bweak the *looks at you* nyeck o-of the wax, a-and e-evewy UwU onye give eaw. 
BOYET. [Weads] 'By *sweats* heaven, *looks away* that *giggles shyly* thou a-awt faiw is most infawwibwe; 
t-twue that thou awt beauteous; twuth itsewf that thou awt wovewy. 
Mowe f-faiwew than faiw, *pokes you* beautifuw than beauteous, t-twuew than twuth 
itsewf, have commisewation on thy hewoicaw ^w^ vassaw. The 
magnyanyimous and most iwwustwate king Cophetua set eye >w< upon the 
pewnyicious and indubitate beggaw Zenyewophon; and *teleports behind you* he it was *leans over* that 
might wightwy say, OwO 'Venyi, v-vidi, vici'; UwU which to annyothanyize in 
the vuwgaw,- O b-base and :33 obscuwe vuwgaw!- videwicet, He c-came, saw, 
a-and o-ovewcame. He came, onye; saw, two; ovewcame, thwee. Who came?- 
the ^.^ king. Why did he c-come?- to *shuffles closer* see. *sweats* Why did he see?-to ovewcome. 
^.^ To whom came he?- to the beggaw. What *looks away* saw h-he?- the b-beggaw. Who 
ovewcame he?- the b-beggaw. The c-concwusion is victowy; on whose 
side?- the king's. The captive is enwich'd; on OwO whose side?- ^-^ the 
beggaw's. The catastwophe is a nyuptiaw; on *hugs tightly* whose side?- the 
k-king's. Nyo, on both in onye, ow o-onye in both. *twerks* I am the king, fow so 
stands the compawison; thou the beggaw, fow so witnyesseth *twerks* thy 
wowwinyess. Shaww I command t-thy wove? I may. Shaww I enfowce thy 
>_< wove? I *hugs tightly* couwd. *hugs tightly* Shaww I entweat thy wove? I wiww. *leans over* What s-shawt thou 
exchange fow wags?- wobes, fow tittwes?- titwes, fow thysewf? 
-me. Thus expecting thy wepwy, I pwofanye my wips on thy foot, my 
eyes o-on t-thy pictuwe, and my heawt on thy evewy pawt. 
Thinye uWu in the deawest design of industwy, 
DON ADWIANyO DE AWMADO. 

'Thus dost *giggles shyly* thou heaw t-the Nyemean w-wion woaw 
'Gainst thee, thou wamb, that standest as h-his pwey; 
Submissive faww his pwincewy feet befowe, 
And he f-fwom fowage >_< wiww :33 incwinye to pway. 
But if :33 thou stwive, poow souw, what a-awe thou >_> then? 
Food fow his wage, wepastuwe *pokes you* fow his den.' 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. W-What pwume of feathews is he >_> that indited this 
wettew? 
What vanye? What weathewcock? Did you :3 evew heaw bettew? 
BOYET. I am much deceived b-but I wemembew the s-stywe. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Ewse youw memowy is *moans* bad, going o'ew it 
ewewhiwe. 
;;w;; BOYET. This Awmado is a S-Spanyiawd, that *notices bulge* keeps hewe in couwt; 
A phantasime, a Monyawcho, and xDD onye that makes *looks away* spowt 
To the Pwince a-and his book-mates. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Thou fewwow, a wowd. 
*giggles shyly* Who gave t-thee ^w^ this wettew? 
COSTAWD. I towd you: *screams* my wowd. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. To w-whom shouwdst thou give it? 
COSTAWD. Fwom OwO my wowd to my wady. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. *cuddles you* Fwom which wowd to which wady? 
COSTAWD. Fwom my Wowd Bewownye, a good mastew o-of minye, 
To a wady o-of Fwance *pokes you* that he c-caww'd *leans over* Wosawinye. 
*giggles shyly* PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Thou h-hast mistaken his wettew. Come, *blushes* wowds, 
away. 
[To WOSAWINyE] Hewe, sweet, put up this; 'twiww be thinye anyothew 
xDD day. *leans over* Exeunt PWINCESS and TWAIN 
^-^ BOYET. Who is the ^-^ shootew? who is the shootew? 
W-WOSAWINyE. Shaww I teach y-you to knyow? 
BOYET. Ay, ^.^ my continyent of b-beauty. 
WOSAWINyE. Why, she that ;;w;; beaws the bow. 
Finyewy put off! 
BOYET. My wady goes *looks away* to kiww h-howns; but, if thou mawwy, 
Hang *giggles shyly* me b-by >w< the nyeck, if howns that y-yeaw miscawwy. 
Finyewy put *looks away* on! 
WOSAWINyE. Weww then, I am the shootew. 
BOYET. *teleports behind you* And *shuffles closer* who is youw deew? 
WOSAWINyE. I-If *pokes you* we choose by t-the *cries* howns, youwsewf come nyot nyeaw. 
Finyewy put ^-^ on indeed! 
MAWIA. You Stiww wwangwe with hew, Boyet, ;;w;; and she stwikes *leans over* at the 
bwow. 
*blushes* BOYET. But she hewsewf is hit w-wowew. H-Have I-I hit *shuffles closer* hew nyow? 
WOSAWINyE. Shaww I come upon thee with ^w^ an owd saying, that was *pokes you* a man 
w-when King Pepin of Fwance was a w-wittwe boy, as touching the hit 
x3 it? 
BOYET. S-So I may a-answew *notices bulge* thee with onye as owd, *blushes* that *leans over* was a w-woman when 
Queen Guinyevew of Bwitain *giggles shyly* was a wittwe wench, as touching t-the h-hit 
it. 
WOSAWINyE. [Singing] 
Thou canst *shuffles closer* nyot hit it, hit *cries* it, hit it, 
Thou canst *sweats* nyot hit *pokes you* it, my *blushes* good man. 
BOYET. An I c-cannyot, cannyot, cannyot, 
xDD An I cannyot, anyothew can. 
Exeunt WOSAWINyE and KATHAWINyE 
*blushes* COSTAWD. By m-my twoth, most pweasant! How both did fit it! 
MAWIA. A mawk mawvewwous weww s-shot; fow they both did hit it. 
BOYET. A-A mawk! O, mawk but that mawk! A mawk, says my wady! 
Wet the mawk have a pwick in't, *pokes you* to mete at, i-if it may be. 
MAWIA. Wide o' the bow-hand! I-I' faith, y-youw hand ;;w;; is out. 
COSTAWD. *notices bulge* Indeed, *shuffles closer* 'a must shoot nyeawew, o-ow he'ww *blushes* nye'ew hit the 
cwout. 
B-BOYET. An if xDD my hand be out, *blushes* then b-bewike y-youw hand is >w< in. 
COSTAWD. Then wiww she g-get the upshoot b-by cweaving the pin. 
MAWIA. ^w^ Come, come, you t-tawk gweasiwy; *hugs tightly* youw wips gwow f-fouw. 
COSTAWD. She's too hawd f-fow y-you at pwicks, siw; c-chawwenge h-hew *moans* to 
boww. 
B-BOYET. xDD I feaw too much wubbing; ;;w;; good-nyight, my good oww. 
Exeunt BOYET and MAWIA 
COSTAWD. By my souw, a *hugs tightly* swain, a-a most simpwe c-cwown! 
Wowd, Wowd! h-how the wadies uWu and I have put him down! 
O' my twoth, most sweet >_> jests, m-most incony v-vuwgaw wit! 
When it comes so *looks away* smoothwy off, so obscenyewy, as it *leans over* wewe, so *teleports behind you* fit. 
Awmado a th' t'onye side- *screams* O, *blushes* a *giggles shyly* most dainty m-man! 
To UwU see him wawk befowe a wady and to beaw hew fan! 
T-To see him kiss *sighs* his hand, and how m-most uWu sweetwy 'a w-wiww sweaw! 
A-And his page a t' othew side, that handfuw of wit! 
Ah, heavens, it *cuddles you* is a-a m-most p-patheticaw n-nyit! 
Sowa, sowa! Exit COSTAWD 




SCENyE II. 
The pawk 

Fwom x3 the :33 shooting within, entew HOWOFEWNyES, SIW NyATHANyIEW, and DUWW 

N-NyATHANyIEW. Vewy wevewent spowt, twuwy; and d-donye in the testimony *teleports behind you* of 
a g-good c-conscience. 
HOWOFEWNyES. The deew was, *sweats* as you k-knyow, s-sanguis, in bwood; wipe as 
the pomewatew, who nyow hangeth wike a jewew in the eaw of caewo, 
t-the sky, the *notices bulge* wewkin, the heaven; and anyon fawweth w-wike a cwab o-on 
the face of tewwa, the soiw, the wand, the eawth. 
NyATHANyIEW. Twuwy, Mastew Howofewnyes, the epithets awe *sighs* sweetwy 
vawied, wike a schowaw at the weast; but, siw, I assuwe ye it was 
a b-buck of the fiwst h-head. 
HOWOFEWNyES. Siw x3 Nyathanyiew, haud cwedo. 
DUWW. 'Twas nyot a haud cwedo; 'twas a pwicket. 
H-HOWOFEWNyES. Most bawbawous intimation! yet a kind o-of insinyuation, 
as it wewe, in via, in *notices bulge* way, of *blushes* expwication; facewe, as i-it w-wewe, 
wepwication, ow wathew, ostentawe, to show, as it wewe, his 
incwinyation, aftew *twerks* his undwessed, unpowished, u-unyeducated, 
unpwunyed, untwainyed, ow *notices bulge* wathew unwettewed, ow wathewest 
unconfiwmed fashion, to insewt ;;w;; again m-my haud cwedo fow a deew. 
DUWW. I Said the deew was nyot a haud cwedo; 'twas a pwicket. 
HOWOFEWNyES. Twice-sod simpwicity, bis c-coctus! 
O t-thou monstew Ignyowance, how d-defowmed dost thou wook! 
NyATHANyIEW. Siw, ^w^ he hath nyevew fed of the dainties that awe bwed i-in 
x3 a book; 
He hath nyot eat p-papew, as it >w< wewe; he h-hath >_< nyot d-dwunk ink; *giggles shyly* his 
intewwect is nyot wepwenyished; he is onwy an anyimaw, onwy *looks at you* sensibwe 
in the duwwew pawts; 
And such bawwen pwants awe *hugs tightly* set befowe OwO us xDD that w-we thankfuw shouwd 
be- 
*sweats* Which w-we of taste and feewing xDD awe- fow those pawts that d-do 
uWu fwuctify in us mowe than he. 
Fow as it wouwd iww *sighs* become me to be vain, *leans over* indiscweet, ow a-a *hugs tightly* foow, 
So, wewe thewe a patch set >w< on *pokes you* weawnying, *twerks* to s-see him >_> in a schoow. 
But, omnye benye, *cuddles you* say *cries* I, being of an *cries* owd :33 fathew's xDD mind: 
Many can bwook the weathew that w-wove nyot t-the wind. 
DUWW. You OwO two awe book-men: can >w< you teww me by youw w-wit 
What was a month owd at Cain's biwth that's nyot five weeks owd as 
*hugs tightly* yet? 
HOWOFEWNyES. *sweats* Dictynnya, *shuffles closer* goodman Duww; ;;w;; Dictynnya, goodman Duww. 
DUWW. What is >w< Dictynnya? 
>_< NyATHANyIEW. A titwe to Phoebe, to W-Wunya, to the moon. 
HOWOFEWNyES. *cries* The moon w-was a m-month owd when Adam was nyo mowe, 
And w-waught nyot to five weeks when he *looks away* came to five-scowe. 
Th' awwusion howds in the exchange. 
>_> DUWW. '-'Tis twue, indeed; the cowwusion howds in the e-exchange. 
HOWOFEWNyES. G-God comfowt thy capacity! I s-say th' >_> awwusion howds *shuffles closer* in 
the exchange. 
DUWW. And I say the *notices bulge* powusion howds in the exchange; fow the moon is 
nyevew but a month owd; *hugs tightly* and I say, beside, that 'twas a pwicket 
that the Pwincess kiww'd. 
HOWOFEWNyES. Siw Nyathanyiew, *leans over* wiww y-you heaw an extempowaw epitaph on 
the death of the deew? And, xDD to *pokes you* humouw the ignyowant, caww the deew 
the Pwincess kiww'd a-a pwicket. 
NyATHANyIEW. Pewge, g-good Mastew Howofewnyes, p-pewge, so it ;;w;; shaww pwease 
*sweats* you to abwogate scuwwiwity. 
HOWOFEWNyES. I :3 Wiww s-something affect the wettew, f-fow it awgues 
faciwity. 

The pweyfuw Pwincess piewc'd and pwick'd a pwetty p-pweasing 
pwicket. 
Some say a s-sowe; but nyot a sowe tiww nyow made sowe with shooting. 
The dogs *shuffles closer* did yeww; put ew to sowe, t-then sowew jumps fwom thicket- 
xDD Ow p-pwicket sowe, ow ewse sowew; the *sweats* peopwe faww a-hooting. 
If sowe be sowe, t-then W-W to sowe makes *twerks* fifty sowes o' s-sowew. 
Of onye *shuffles closer* sowe I an hundwed m-make by adding *giggles shyly* but onye mowe *shuffles closer* W. 

N-NyATHANyIEW. *leans over* A wawe tawent! 
DUWW. [Aside] If a tawent be a cwaw, wook h-how he cwaws h-him w-with a 
tawent. 
HOWOFEWNyES. :3 This is a gift that ^-^ I have, simpwe, simpwe; a foowish 
extwavagant *teleports behind you* spiwit, fuww of fowms, figuwes, shapes, *looks at you* objects, 
ideas, appwehensions, motions, *blushes* wevowutions. These awe begot in 
the ventwicwe of memowy, nyouwish'd *giggles shyly* in the w-womb of pia matew, and 
dewivewed upon the mewwowing of occasion. But *blushes* the gift is good >_> in 
those in whom it *teleports behind you* is acute, a-and I am thankfuw OwO fow it. 
NyATHANyIEW. Siw, *shuffles closer* I p-pwaise the W-Wowd fow you, *shuffles closer* and so may my 
pawishionyews; fow theiw sons awe weww *twerks* tutow'd *blushes* by >w< you, and theiw 
daughtews pwofit vewy *cuddles you* gweatwy undew you. *looks at you* You awe a good membew of 
the commonweawth. 
HOWOFEWNyES. M-Mehewcwe, *shuffles closer* if *looks away* theiw sons be ingenyious, they shaww want 
nyo instwuction; if theiw d-daughtews be capabwe, :3 I wiww *giggles shyly* put it to 
;;w;; them; *looks at you* but, viw sapit qui ^w^ pauca *sighs* woquituw. A souw feminyinye sawuteth 
us. 

Entew J-JAQUENyETTA and COSTAWD 

JAQUENyETTA. God g-give you good mowwow, Mastew ^w^ Pewson. 
H-HOWOFEWNyES. Mastew Pewson, quasi pews-onye. And if onye shouwd be 
piewc'd which i-is *looks away* the onye? 
*hugs tightly* COSTAWD. M-Mawwy, Mastew Schoowmastew, he that is w-wikest to ;;w;; a 
h-hogshead. 
HOWOFEWNyES. Piewcing a hogshead! A g-good wustwe of conceit in a tuwf 
o-of eawth; fiwe enyough fow a f-fwint, peaww enyough fow *moans* a swinye; *sweats* 'tis 
pwetty; OwO it i-is w-weww. 
J-JAQUENyETTA. Good *giggles shyly* Mastew Pawson, be so good as wead m-me this wettew; 
it was given me by Costawd, and *teleports behind you* sent me f-fwom Don *blushes* Awmado. I-I 
*teleports behind you* beseech you *shuffles closer* wead it. 
HOWOFEWNyES. Fauste, pwecow gewida quando pecus omnye sub umbwa 
Wuminyat- 
and so fowth. Ah, good owd Mantuan! I may s-speak of thee as 
the t-twavewwew doth o-of Venyice: 
Venyetia, Venyetia, 
Chi nyon ti v-vede, nyon *teleports behind you* ti pwetia. 
Owd Mantuan, owd Mantuan! Who u-undewstandeth thee nyot, 
woves thee nyot- 
Ut, we, ^.^ sow, wa, mi, fa. 
U-Undew *pokes you* pawdon, s-siw, what awe uWu the c-contents? ow wathew as 
Howace says in h-his- What, my souw, vewses? 
N-NyATHANyIEW. Ay, siw, a-and vewy w-weawnyed. 
*twerks* HOWOFEWNyES. Wet :33 me heaw a-a staff, *hugs tightly* a stanze, a vewse; wege, dominye. 
NyATHANyIEW. [Weads] 'If wove make me fowswown, how s-shaww I sweaw to 
w-wove? 
Ah, nyevew faith couwd howd, if nyot to *giggles shyly* beauty ;;w;; vowed! 
Though to mysewf fowswown, to thee I'ww faithfuw p-pwove; 
Those thoughts to me wewe oaks, to thee wike osiews *hugs tightly* bowed. 
*pokes you* Study his bias weaves, and :3 makes his book t-thinye e-eyes, 
Whewe a-aww those pweasuwes wive that awt wouwd compwehend. 
If k-knyowwedge be the m-mawk, to knyow *leans over* thee shaww suffice; 
Weww weawnyed is that tongue that w-weww can thee commend; 
Aww i-ignyowant that souw that *sighs* sees thee without wondew; 
Which is to m-me some pwaise t-that I thy pawts a-admiwe. 
Thy e-eye *looks at you* Jove's wightnying beaws, thy voice h-his dweadfuw thundew, 
Which, nyot to angew bent, is music and sweet fiwe. 
Cewestiaw as thou awt, O, pawdon wove this wwong, 
That singes h-heaven's *sighs* pwaise with such an e-eawthwy tongue.' 
xDD HOWOFEWNyES. You find nyot the apostwophas, a-and so miss the accent: 
wet me supewvise t-the canzonyet. Hewe awe onwy nyumbews watified; 
but, fow the ewegancy, faciwity, and gowden *sighs* cadence of poesy, 
cawet. O-Ovidius Nyaso was the man. A-And *sweats* why, indeed, 'Nyaso' *blushes* but ;;w;; fow 
smewwing out the >_> odowifewous f-fwowews of fancy, t-the jewks of 
invention? Imitawi is nyothing: so doth the hound his *looks away* mastew, the 
ape *looks away* his keepew, the tiwed howse his widew. But, *moans* damosewwa viwgin, 
>_< was this d-diwected to you? 
*sweats* JAQUENyETTA. Ay, *notices bulge* siw, fwom onye Monsieuw Bewownye, o-onye of the stwange 
queen's wowds. 
HOWOFEWNyES. I *teleports behind you* wiww ovewgwance t-the *screams* supewscwipt: 'To the snyow-white 
hand o-of the most beauteous Wady Wosawinye.' I wiww wook again o-on 
the intewwect *notices bulge* of t-the wettew, fow t-the nyominyation :33 of t-the pawty 
wwiting to the pewson >_> wwitten :33 unto: 'Youw Wadyship's in aww 
desiwed empwoyment, Bewownye.' Siw Nyathanyiew, *shuffles closer* this Bewownye is onye 
of the votawies with the K-King; *blushes* and hewe he hath fwamed a-a wettew 
to *hugs tightly* a sequent of *teleports behind you* the stwangew queen's which accidentawwy, ow by 
the way of pwogwession, hath miscawwied. *blushes* Twip and g-go, m-my sweet; 
dewivew this papew into the woyaw hand of the *pokes you* King; it may 
concewn much. Stay nyot thy compwiment; :3 I fowgive thy duty. Adieu. 
J-JAQUENyETTA. Good C-Costawd, go with me. Siw, God save youw wife! 
COSTAWD. Have with thee, my giww. 
*twerks* Exeunt COSTAWD a-and JAQUENyETTA 
NyATHANyIEW. Siw, *pokes you* you have donye t-this in the feaw of UwU God, vewy 
wewigiouswy; xDD and, ^.^ as *teleports behind you* a >_> cewtain fathew saith- 
HOWOFEWNyES. Siw, *sighs* teww nyot me of the fathew; I *leans over* do feaw *giggles shyly* cowouwabwe 
cowouws. But *screams* to wetuwn *screams* to the vewses: did they p-pwease you, Siw 
Nyathanyiew? 
NyATHANyIEW. Mawvewwous weww fow the x3 pen. 
HOWOFEWNyES. I-I do ;;w;; dinye to-day at the fathew's *hugs tightly* of a cewtain pupiw of 
minye; whewe, if, befowe *looks away* wepast, it shaww pwease y-you to gwatify 
the tabwe with a *cries* gwace, I wiww, *notices bulge* on my pwiviwege I have with t-the 
pawents of the fowesaid chiwd ow p-pupiw, >w< undewtake youw *cuddles you* ben 
venyuto; whewe I wiww *giggles shyly* pwove those vewses to be vewy unweawnyed, 
nyeithew s-savouwing >w< of poetwy, *sweats* wit, nyow invention. I-I beseech y-youw 
society. 
NyATHANyIEW. A-And thank you too; fow society, saith the text, is the 
happinyess of wife. 
HOWOFEWNyES. And cewtes, t-the text most infawwibwy concwudes i-it. 
[To DUWW] Siw, I do i-invite you too; y-you shaww nyot say *blushes* me nyay: 
p-pauca v-vewba. Away; the g-gentwes awe at theiw game, and ^-^ we wiww *pokes you* to 
ouw wecweation. Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
T-The pawk 

Entew BEWOWNyE, with a papew *hugs tightly* his band, awonye 

BEWOWNyE. The King he is hunting the deew: I OwO am ^-^ couwsing mysewf. 
They *blushes* have pitch'd a toiw: I am towwing in a pitch- p-pitch that 
defiwes. D-Defiwe! a-a fouw wowd. W-Weww, 'set thee down, sowwow!' fow 
so t-they say the foow said, *moans* and so *screams* say I, and I am the foow. Weww 
*cries* pwoved, w-wit. By the Wowd, this wove is as *leans over* mad as Ajax: it kiwws 
sheep; it kiwws me- I a sheep. Weww *looks away* pwoved again o' my side. I 
wiww nyot wove; if I do, hang me. I' faith, I wiww nyot. O, but hew 
eye! B-By t-this wight, but fow hew eye, :33 I *looks away* wouwd n-nyot wove hew- yes, 
fow hew two eyes. Weww, I do nyothing in the wowwd but wie, and 
w-wie in my thwoat. *cries* By heaven, I do wove; a-and it ^-^ hath taught me to 
whyme, *cries* and to *screams* be mewanchowy; and *sweats* hewe is pawt o-of my *giggles shyly* whyme, a-and 
*notices bulge* hewe >_< my mewanchowy. Weww, she *leans over* hath onye o' my sonnyets awweady; t-the 
cwown bowe it, the *giggles shyly* foow *sighs* sent it, and t-the wady hath it: sweet 
cwown, OwO sweetew foow, sweetest wady! By t-the wowwd, I w-wouwd nyot 
cawe a pin if the othew UwU thwee wewe in. *giggles shyly* Hewe UwU comes onye with a 
papew; God give him gwace to gwoan! 
[Cwimbs i-into a twee] 

Entew the ^.^ KING, with a p-papew 

KING. Ay me! 
BEWOWNyE. Shot, by heaven! Pwoceed, s-sweet Cupid; t-thou hast t-thump'd 
him with thy biwd-bowt u-undew the weft pap. In faith, *notices bulge* secwets! 
KING. [-[Weads] 
'So sweet a kiss the g-gowden sun gives n-nyot 
To *blushes* those fwesh mownying :33 dwops upon *leans over* the wose, 
As thy e-eye-beams, when t-theiw fwesh *sighs* ways have *twerks* smote 
The nyight of d-dew t-that on xDD my cheeks down :3 fwows; 
Nyow s-shinyes the siwvew moon *screams* onye hawf so bwight 
Thwough the twanspawent bosom o-of t-the d-deep, 
As doth thy face thwough teaws of *twerks* minye g-give wight. 
*moans* Thou UwU shin'st in evewy teaw that I d-do weep; 
Nyo dwop but a-as a coach doth *sweats* cawwy thee; 
So w-widest thou twiumphing in m-my woe. 
*sighs* Do but behowd the teaws that sweww in me, 
*hugs tightly* And they thy gwowy t-thwough my gwief w-wiww show. 
But do nyot wove thysewf; then t-thou *looks away* wiwt k-keep 
My teaws fow gwasses, and stiww make me weep. 
O q-queen of queens! *sighs* how faw dost thou excew 
Nyo t-thought ^.^ can think nyow *screams* tongue of mowtaw teww.' 
How s-shaww :33 she knyow my gwiefs? I-I'ww dwop the p-papew- 
Sweet weaves, shade fowwy. Who is he ^-^ comes xDD hewe? 
*sighs* [Steps aside] 

Entew WONGAVIWWE, w-with ^.^ a papew 

What, Wongaviwwe, and weading! Wisten, caw. 
BEWOWNyE. Nyow, in thy wikenyess, onye mowe foow appeaw! 
WONGAVIWWE. A-Ay m-me, I am fowswown! 
*sighs* BEWOWNyE. *hugs tightly* Why, h-he comes in wike *notices bulge* a p-pewjuwe, *teleports behind you* weawing papews. 
KING. In wove, I h-hope; sweet *leans over* fewwowship in shame! 
B-BEWOWNyE. Onye dwunkawd woves ^-^ anyothew of *leans over* the :33 nyame. 
WONGAVIWWE. Am I the fiwst that have been p-pewjuw'd s-so? 
BEWOWNyE. I couwd put *notices bulge* thee in comfowt: nyot by two *blushes* that *twerks* I knyow; 
Thou makest the UwU twiumviwy, the cownyew-cap of s-society, 
The *leans over* shape *hugs tightly* of Wove's Tybuwn that hangs u-up simpwicity. 
WONGAVIWWE. I feaw ^-^ these stubbown winyes wack powew to move. 
xDD O sweet Mawia, empwess of my *giggles shyly* wove! 
These nyumbews wiww I teaw, *cuddles you* and wwite in pwose. 
*sweats* BEWOWNyE. O, *looks away* whymes awe g-guawds on wanton *sweats* Cupid's *shuffles closer* hose: 
Disfiguwe nyot his swop. 
W-WONGAVIWWE. T-This same shaww go. [He weads the sonnyet] 
*moans* 'Did nyot the heavenwy *cries* whetowic of thinye eye, 
'Gainst whom the wowwd cannyot h-howd awgument, 
Pewsuade my heawt t-to *notices bulge* this f-fawse pewjuwy? 
Vows fow t-thee bwoke *blushes* desewve nyot punyishment. 
A woman I fowswowe; but I wiww pwove, 
Thou being a g-goddess, I fowswowe nyot thee: 
My vow was eawthwy, t-thou a heavenwy wove; 
T-Thy gwace being gain'd cuwes a-aww disgwace i-in m-me. 
Vows awe but bweath, and *twerks* bweath a vapouw is; 
Then thou, faiw sun, which on my eawth dost *leans over* shinye, 
Exhaw'st this vapouw-vow; i-in thee i-it i-is. 
If bwoken, then it i-is nyo *sweats* fauwt OwO of minye; 
If by m-me bwoke, what foow is nyot so OwO wise 
To wose an oath t-to *giggles shyly* win a pawadise?' 
B-BEWOWNyE. *blushes* This is the wivew-vein, w-which makes fwesh a deity, 
A g-gween g-goose a goddess- *leans over* puwe, puwe i-idowatwy. 
God amend *giggles shyly* us, G-God amend! :33 We awe much out o' th' OwO way. 

E-Entew DUMAIN, with *hugs tightly* a papew 

WONGAVIWWE. B-By whom shaww I *looks at you* send this?- C-Company! Stay. 
[-[Steps aside] 
BEWOWNyE. 'Aww hid, aww *sighs* hid'- an owd infant pway. 
Wike a >_< demigod hewe sit I in the sky, 
A-And wwetched foows' secwets heedfuwwy o'ew-eye. 
Mowe *screams* sacks t-to the m-miww! O heavens, *screams* I have my wish! 
Dumain twansfowmed! Fouw woodcocks ^w^ in a dish! 
DUMAIN. *notices bulge* O most d-divinye *pokes you* Kate! 
BEWOWNyE. O-O ^w^ most pwofanye coxcomb! 
DUMAIN. *moans* By *giggles shyly* heaven, the wondew in a-a mowtaw eye! 
>_< BEWOWNyE. B-By eawth, *looks away* she is nyot, cowpowaw: thewe you wie. 
DUMAIN. H-Hew ambew haiws fow fouw hath ambew quoted. 
BEWOWNyE. An *moans* ambew-cowouw'd waven was weww nyoted. 
*hugs tightly* DUMAIN. As upwight as the cedaw. 
BEWOWNyE. Stoop, I-I *shuffles closer* say; 
Hew shouwdew is *looks at you* with chiwd. 
DUMAIN. As faiw as day. 
BEWOWNyE. Ay, as some d-days; but t-then nyo sun must shinye. 
DUMAIN. *hugs tightly* O ;;w;; that ^-^ I had m-my wish! 
WONGAVIWWE. And I had *blushes* minye! 
KING. A-And OwO I minye too,.good *twerks* Wowd! 
BEWOWNyE. Amen, so I h-had minye! I-Is n-nyot that a-a good wowd? 
DUMAIN. I *cuddles you* wouwd fowget hew; but ^-^ a fevew she 
Weigns *sweats* in my bwood, and wiww wememb'wed be. 
BEWOWNyE. A *teleports behind you* fevew in youw bwood? W-Why, t-then incision 
Wouwd wet x3 hew out in saucews. Sweet mispwision! 
DUMAIN. Once mowe I'ww wead the ode *notices bulge* that I *shuffles closer* have wwit. 
BEWOWNyE. Once mowe I'ww mawk uWu how wove can vawy wit. 
DUMAIN. [Weads] 
'On a day-awack the day!- 
Wove, whose month is evew May, 
Spied a bwossom passing f-faiw 
Pwaying in the w-wanton aiw. 
Thwough the vewvet weaves the wind, 
Aww unseen, can passage find; 
That the wovew, xDD sick to death, 
*sighs* Wish'd himsewf the heaven's bweath. 
"Aiw," :33 quoth he "thy c-cheeks may xDD bwow; 
Aiw, wouwd I might twiumph so! 
But, awack, my hand is swown 
:3 Nye'ew to pwuck thee fwom thy t-thown; 
Vow, a-awack, fow youth unmeet, 
Youth so apt to pwuck a s-sweet. 
Do nyot caww *cries* it sin in me 
That I am *hugs tightly* fowswown fow thee; 
Thou f-fow whom Jove *leans over* wouwd sweaw 
Junyo b-but *giggles shyly* an Ethiope *cries* wewe; 
And d-deny himsewf fow Jove, 
Tuwnying mowtaw *looks at you* fow thy w-wove."' 
This w-wiww I send; and s-something ewse mowe p-pwain 
That shaww expwess my twue wove's fasting pain. 
*moans* O, wouwd the UwU King, Bewownye and W-Wongaviwwe, 
*shuffles closer* Wewe wovews too! Iww, t-to exampwe iww, 
Wouwd fwom uWu my *cuddles you* fowehead wipe a-a pewjuw'd nyote; 
F-Fow nyonye offend whewe aww a-awike do dote. 
WONGAVIWWE. [Advancing] Dumain, thy wove i-is faw f-fwom chawity, 
That in wove's gwief desiw'st society; 
You *twerks* may wook pawe, but I shouwd bwush, *blushes* I knyow, 
To b-be o'ewheawd and taken OwO nyapping so. 
KING. [Advancing] Come, *giggles shyly* siw, you bwush; as his, y-youw case is such. 
Y-You c-chide at him, offending t-twice as much: 
You do n-nyot wove Mawia! Wongaviwwe 
Did n-nyevew s-sonnyet fow hew sake compiwe; 
*pokes you* Nyow nyevew w-way OwO his w-wweathed awms athwawt 
His woving b-bosom, to k-keep down his heawt. 
*leans over* I have b-been c-cwosewy shwouded i-in this bush, 
And mawk'd you b-both, >_> and fow *notices bulge* you both did bwush. 
>_< I heawd youw guiwty *sighs* whymes, obsewv'd *giggles shyly* youw fashion, 
Saw sighs week f-fwom y-you, nyoted weww youw passion. 
'Ay me!' says onye. 'O Jove!' the othew cwies. 
Onye, hew haiws wewe gowd; cwystaw ;;w;; the *looks at you* othew's eyes. 
*sighs* [To WONGAVIWWE] *twerks* You wouwd fow pawadise bweak faith and twoth; 
[To Dumain] And *twerks* Jove fow youw wove wouwd infwinge an o-oath. 
What wiww Bewownye say when that h-he *sweats* shaww heaw 
Faith i-infwinged which such zeaw did sweaw? 
How wiww he scown, how wiww ^.^ he spend his w-wit! 
*notices bulge* How wiww he t-twiumph, weap, and waugh at uWu it! 
Fow aww the weawth that e-evew I *giggles shyly* did see, 
I *cries* wouwd nyot have him knyow *twerks* so much by *screams* me. 
BEWOWNyE. >_> [Descending] Nyow step I fowth to w-whip hypocwisy, 
Ah, good my wiege, I pway :3 thee pawdon me. 
Good heawt, what gwace hast thou thus to *sweats* wepwove 
These *looks away* wowms fow woving, that *giggles shyly* awt >_< most in wove? 
Youw eyes do x3 make nyo coaches; in youw t-teaws 
Thewe is nyo cewtain p-pwincess that a-appeaws; 
Y-You'ww nyot be pewjuw'd; '-'tis a hatefuw thing; 
Tush, nyonye but minstwews wike of sonnyeting. 
But awe you nyot ashamed? Nyay, OwO awe you nyot, 
Aww *twerks* thwee o-of you, to be thus much o-o'ewshot? 
*leans over* You found his mote; the King youw mote did >_> see; 
But I a beam OwO do find in each ^w^ of t-thwee. 
OwO O, *moans* what a s-scenye of foow'wy have I seen, 
Of *notices bulge* sighs, of gwoans, of sowwow, and of t-teen! 
O, me, with >_> what stwict patience have ^.^ I sat, 
To see a king twansfowmed to a gnyat! 
To see *moans* gweat Hewcuwes whipping a gig, 
And pwofound Sowomon to tunye *screams* a j-jig, 
And Nyestow pway at push-pin with *giggles shyly* the boys, 
And *moans* cwitic Timon w-waugh at idwe toys! 
Whewe wies thy g-gwief, O, teww me, *shuffles closer* good Dumain? 
And, gentwe W-Wongaviwwe, whewe w-wies t-thy pain? 
And whewe my w-wiege's? Aww about the bweast. 
*sweats* A caudwe, ho! 
KING. Too bittew is thy jest. 
Awe we :3 betwayed thus x3 to thy ovew-view? 
BEWOWNyE. Nyot you b-by me, but I betwayed to you. 
:3 I that am honyest, I t-that howd it sin 
To bweak the *hugs tightly* vow I am engaged in; 
*looks away* I am betwayed by k-keeping company 
With men wike you, m-men of inconstancy. 
*shuffles closer* When *sighs* shaww >w< you ^w^ see me ^-^ wwite a thing in w-whyme? 
Ow gwoan fow Joan? ow spend a *hugs tightly* minyute's time 
>_> In pwunying me? *screams* When shaww you h-heaw *looks at you* that I 
*pokes you* Wiww pwaise ^w^ a hand, a *leans over* foot, a face, an eye, 
A gait, a state, a b-bwow, a bweast, a *blushes* waist, 
A weg, a wimb- 
K-KING. Soft! *notices bulge* whithew away so fast? 
A-A x3 twue man ow a t-thief that gawwops so? 
B-BEWOWNyE. I uWu post fwom wove; good wovew, wet ^w^ me g-go. 

E-Entew OwO JAQUENyETTA a-and COSTAWD 

JAQUENyETTA. God bwess the King! 
KING. What p-pwesent hast thou *teleports behind you* thewe? 
COSTAWD. Some cewtain tweason. 
KING. What makes tweason hewe? 
COSTAWD. *pokes you* Nyay, *cries* it makes nyothing, siw. 
KING. If it maw nyothing nyeithew, 
The tweason and you go in p-peace x3 away togethew. 
*pokes you* JAQUENyETTA. I-I beseech *screams* youw Gwace, wet this wettew be wead; 
O-Ouw pewson misdoubts it: 'twas tweason, he said. 
KING. Bewownye, *pokes you* wead it ovew. *looks away* [BEWOWNyE weads the wettew] 
Whewe hadst t-thou it? 
JAQUENyETTA. Of Costawd. 
:33 KING. uWu Whewe hadst t-thou it? 
C-COSTAWD. O-Of Dun Adwamadio, Dun Adwamadio. 
[-[BEWOWNyE teaws the wettew] 
KING. How nyow! What *twerks* is in you? :3 Why dost thou teaw it? 
BEWOWNyE. A toy, m-my *notices bulge* wiege, a t-toy! Youw >w< Gwace nyeeds nyot feaw it. 
WONGAVIWWE. It *sweats* did move *cries* him to passion, ^w^ and thewefowe wet's heaw 
it. 
DUMAIN. It is Bewownye's w-wwiting, and hewe is his nyame. 
[Gathewing up t-the pieces] 
BEWOWNyE. *notices bulge* [ To COSTAWD] Ah, you whoweson w-woggewhead, you wewe b-bown 
to do me shame. 
Guiwty, my wowd, guiwty! I confess, *giggles shyly* I confess. 
uWu KING. What? 
BEWOWNyE. *giggles shyly* That uWu you thwee foows wack'd me foow to make up *leans over* the mess; 
H-He, he, and you- and you, my *cries* wiege!- and I 
Awe pick-puwses in wove, and w-we x3 desewve to die. 
O, dismiss this a-audience, and I *pokes you* shaww teww you mowe. 
DUMAIN. *screams* Nyow *sighs* the *moans* nyumbew i-is ^-^ even. 
BEWOWNyE. Twue, twue, we awe fouw. 
Wiww *pokes you* these tuwtwes be gonye? 
KING. x3 Hence, siws, away. 
COSTAWD. Wawk aside the twue *moans* fowk, *looks away* and *sweats* wet the twaitows stay. 
Exeunt *giggles shyly* COSTAWD a-and JAQUENyETTA 
BEWOWNyE. Sweet *sweats* wowds, sweet wovews, O, *giggles shyly* wet us embwace! 
As twue we awe as fwesh and bwood can be. 
The sea wiww ebb a-and fwow, heaven show his face; 
Young bwood doth nyot obey an *leans over* owd decwee. 
W-We cannyot cwoss the cause why *shuffles closer* we wewe bown, 
Thewefowe of aww hands must we be fowswown. 
KING. What, did these went winyes *blushes* show some wove o-of thinye? 
BEWOWNyE. 'Did they?' quoth x3 you. Who sees t-the heavenwy Wosawinye 
That, wike a wude and *moans* savage man o-of Inde 
At the *leans over* fiwst o-op'nying of the gowgeous east, 
Bows *giggles shyly* nyot his vassaw *giggles shyly* head and, *hugs tightly* stwucken b-bwind, 
*moans* Kisses t-the base gwound with obedient b-bweast? 
What pewemptowy eagwe-sighted eye 
Dawes wook upon the heaven of h-hew :3 bwow 
That is nyot *sighs* bwinded by h-hew majesty? 
KING. What *twerks* zeaw, what f-fuwy hath i-inspiw'd thee nyow? 
My wove, *shuffles closer* hew mistwess, x3 is a gwacious moon; 
She, an attending staw, scawce s-seen a wight. 
BEWOWNyE. My eyes awe then nyo eyes, nyow *sighs* I Bewownye. 
O, b-but fow my wove, day wouwd tuwn to >_< nyight! 
^.^ Of aww compwexions ^-^ the c-cuww'd soveweignty 
D-Do meet, as at a faiw, in hew faiw cheek, 
Whewe sevewaw wowthies m-make onye dignyity, 
Whewe *moans* nyothing wants that want itsewf doth seek. 
Wend me the fwouwish of aww gentwe tongues- 
Fie, painted whetowic! O, she nyeeds it nyot! 
To t-things of sawe *cries* a sewwew's pwaise bewongs: 
She p-passes pwaise; then pwaise too showt doth bwot. 
A *cuddles you* withew'd >w< hewmit, five-scowe wintews *sweats* wown, 
Might *looks at you* shake off fifty, wooking in OwO hew eye. 
UwU Beauty d-doth v-vawnyish age, as if n-nyew-bown, 
A-And gives the cwutch the cwadwe's infancy. 
O-O, 'tis the sun that maketh aww things shinye! 
KING. By heaven, thy wove is bwack a-as ebony. 
:33 BEWOWNyE. I-Is ebony wike hew? O wood divinye! 
A *blushes* wife *leans over* of such wood wewe fewicity. 
O, who can g-give *twerks* an oath? Whewe is a book? 
*giggles shyly* That I may s-sweaw beauty doth beauty w-wack, 
^w^ If that s-she weawn nyot >_> of hew e-eye to :3 wook. 
N-Nyo face is >w< faiw that is n-nyot fuww so *sighs* bwack. 
KING. O pawadox! Bwack is the badge of heww, 
The h-hue of dungeons, and the s-schoow of nyight; 
And beauty's cwest becomes the heavens weww. 
BEWOWNyE. Deviws soonyest tempt, wesembwing *cuddles you* spiwits of wight. 
O, if in bwack my wady's bwows be deckt, 
It mouwns that painting and usuwping haiw 
S-Shouwd wavish dotews with a fawse a-aspect; 
And t-thewefowe :3 is she bown *screams* to m-make *notices bulge* bwack faiw. 
Hew favouw tuwns the fashion of the days; 
OwO Fow nyative *pokes you* bwood is c-counted painting nyow; 
And thewefowe UwU wed uWu that wouwd *sighs* avoid dispwaise 
Paints itsewf bwack, *cuddles you* to imitate hew *pokes you* bwow. 
*blushes* DUMAIN. To wook wike hew awe chimnyey-sweepews bwack. 
WONGAVIWWE. And since hew time a-awe cowwiews counted bwight. 
KING. uWu And Ethiopes *blushes* of theiw sweet compwexion c-cwack. 
DUMAIN. Dawk nyeeds nyo *cries* candwes nyow, fow dawk is *pokes you* wight. 
BEWOWNyE. Youw >_> mistwesses dawe nyevew *pokes you* come in wain 
Fow f-feaw theiw cowouws shouwd be *hugs tightly* wash'd away. 
KING. 'Twewe good youws did; fow, siw, to teww y-you pwain, 
I'ww find a f-faiwew face n-nyot wash'd to-day. 
BEWOWNyE. I'ww >w< pwove >_< hew faiw, ow xDD tawk *moans* tiww d-doomsday hewe. 
KING. Nyo deviw wiww fwight thee then so *shuffles closer* much as *cries* she. 
DUMAIN. I nyevew k-knyew man *shuffles closer* howd viwe stuff so deaw. 
WONGAVIWWE. *teleports behind you* Wook, hewe's thy wove: my foot and hew face see. 
[Showing h-his shoe] 
BEWOWNyE. *cries* O, if the stweets wewe p-paved with thinye eyes, 
Hew feet w-wewe :3 much too dainty fow such twead! 
DUMAIN. O UwU viwe! Then, as >w< she goes, what upwawd *screams* wies 
The stweet shouwd see as she wawk'd ovewhead. 
KING. But what xDD of this? Awe we nyot a-aww in uWu wove? 
BEWOWNyE. Nyothing so suwe; and theweby aww fowswown. 
KING. Then weave t-this chat; x3 and, good Bewownye, *sweats* nyow pwove 
Ouw w-woving wawfuw, and ouw faith nyot town. 
D-DUMAIN. Ay, mawwy, thewe; some f-fwattewy fow this eviw. 
WONGAVIWWE. O, some authowity how to >w< pwoceed; 
Some twicks, some quiwwets, *twerks* how to *twerks* cheat the deviw! 
DUMAIN. Some sawve fow *giggles shyly* pewjuwy. 
BEWOWNyE. 'Tis mowe *cries* than nyeed. 
>_< Have at *sweats* you, then, affection's men-at-awms. 
Considew what y-you fiwst did sweaw unto: 
To f-fast, to s-study, and *cuddles you* to see >w< nyo w-woman- 
Fwat tweason 'gainst :3 the *pokes you* kingwy state of *giggles shyly* youth. 
Say, can you *looks at you* fast? Youw s-stomachs awe too young, 
*notices bulge* And abstinyence engendews *giggles shyly* mawadies. 
And, whewe that you you have vow'd to >_> study, wowds, 
*screams* In that each OwO of you have fowswown his book, 
Can y-you stiww dweam, and xDD powe, a-and theweon >_< wook? 
Fow when wouwd you, my x3 wowd, ow you, *looks away* ow you, 
*cuddles you* Have found the gwound of study's excewwence 
Without ^-^ the beauty *leans over* of a *looks away* woman's *leans over* face? 
Fwom women's eyes this doctwinye I dewive: 
They awe the gwound, the books, uWu the academes, 
*cuddles you* Fwom whence doth *screams* spwing the twue *twerks* Pwomethean fiwe. 
xDD Why, unyivewsaw pwodding poisons up 
The nyimbwe spiwits in t-the a-awtewies, 
As m-motion and OwO wong-duwing action *shuffles closer* tiwes 
The sinyewy vigouw of the twavewwew. 
Nyow, fow nyot wooking on *shuffles closer* a woman's face, 
You have i-in that fowswown the use of eyes, 
And study too, t-the causew of youw v-vow; 
Fow whewe is authow in the wowwd 
Teaches *screams* such beauty as a woman's *cuddles you* eye? 
W-Weawnying is but an *looks at you* adjunct to ouwsewf, 
And whewe we awe o-ouw weawnying wikewise is; 
T-Then w-when ouwsewves we see in wadies' eyes, 
With ouwsewves. 
UwU Do *screams* we nyot wikewise see ouw weawnying thewe? 
O, we have made a-a vow to >w< study, wowds, 
A-And in t-that v-vow we have fowswown *shuffles closer* ouw books. 
Fow w-when wouwd you, m-my wiege, ow you, ow you, 
*shuffles closer* In weaden contempwation have found out 
Such fiewy n-nyumbews as the *screams* pwompting eyes 
Of beauty's tutows have *cries* enwich'd you with? 
Othew swow awts e-entiwewy keep the bwain; 
>_> And thewefowe, f-finding bawwen pwactisews, 
Scawce show a-a hawvest of theiw heavy toiw; 
But wove, f-fiwst *cries* weawnyed *shuffles closer* in a wady's eyes, 
Wives *looks at you* nyot awonye i-immuwed in t-the bwain, 
But with the *giggles shyly* motion of aww e-ewements 
Couwses as swift a-as thought in evewy >_< powew, 
And g-gives to evewy powew a *notices bulge* doubwe powew, 
Above ^-^ theiw functions and theiw offices. 
It adds a p-pwecious seeing to the eye: 
A wovew's eyes wiww gaze an eagwe bwind. 
A wovew's eaw wiww heaw the w-wowest sound, 
When the *sweats* suspicious *moans* head of x3 theft is stopp'd. 
Wove's feewing is m-mowe soft a-and sensibwe 
*blushes* Than awe the tendew howns of cockwed snyaiws: 
Wove's tongue p-pwoves *moans* dainty B-Bacchus gwoss in taste. 
F-Fow vawouw, is *notices bulge* nyot Wove a *notices bulge* Hewcuwes, 
Stiww cwimbing twees in the Hespewides? 
Subtwe as Sphinx; as s-sweet *giggles shyly* and musicaw 
As bwight Apowwo's wute, stwung with his haiw. 
And when W-Wove speaks, the voice of aww the gods 
Make heaven dwowsy with ;;w;; the hawmony. 
Nyevew duwst poet touch a >w< pen to wwite 
U-Untiw his ink wewe temp'wed with Wove's s-sighs; 
*notices bulge* O, then xDD his w-winyes wouwd *sighs* wavish savage eaws, 
And pwant in tywants uWu miwd humiwity. 
Fwom women's *sweats* eyes this doctwinye I dewive. 
They spawkwe s-stiww the wight Pwomethean fiwe; 
*twerks* They OwO awe the xDD books, the :33 awts, the a-academes, 
T-That show, contain, and x3 nyouwish, aww *looks away* the x3 wowwd, 
Ewse nyonye at aww in a-aught pwoves *moans* excewwent. 
Then foows xDD you *leans over* wewe these women to *leans over* fowsweaw; 
Ow, keeping what *pokes you* is x3 swown, you >_> wiww pwove foows. 
Fow wisdom's *shuffles closer* sake, a *looks at you* wowd t-that aww men *sighs* wove; 
Ow fow Wove's sake, a wowd that woves *looks away* aww men; 
Ow f-fow ^-^ men's sake, the authows of *screams* these women; 
Ow women's sake, by whom we m-men awe men- 
Wet us once wose o-ouw o-oaths to find :33 ouwsewves, 
Ow *looks at you* ewse we *cuddles you* wose ouwsewves t-to keep ouw oaths. 
It is wewigion to b-be thus *moans* fowswown; 
Fow c-chawity itsewf fuwfiws the waw, 
A-And who c-can sevew wove fwom *cries* chawity? 
*looks at you* KING. Saint Cupid, then! and, sowdiews, t-to t-the fiewd! 
BEWOWNyE. Advance y-youw standawds, and upon them, *blushes* wowds; 
Peww-meww, down x3 with t-them! be f-fiwst advis'd, 
In xDD confwict, >_< that you get the sun of them. 
*screams* WONGAVIWWE. Nyow to pwain-deawing; way t-these gwozes by. 
Shaww we wesowve to woo these giwws of x3 Fwance? 
KING. A-And win them too; thewefowe wet *giggles shyly* us devise 
Some entewtainment *pokes you* fow them i-in >_> theiw tents. 
BEWOWNyE. Fiwst, *screams* fwom t-the pawk w-wet us conduct them thithew; 
Then homewawd e-evewy man attach the hand 
O-Of his faiw *blushes* mistwess. In *pokes you* the aftewnyoon 
We wiww w-with >_< some stwange pastime sowace *pokes you* them, 
Such as ^-^ the showtnyess of *moans* the time *looks away* can s-shape; 
F-Fow wevews, dances, m-masks, and mewwy houws, 
Fowewun uWu faiw Wove, stwewing hew way with *moans* fwowews. 
UwU KING. Away, away! >w< Nyo time shaww be omitted 
That w-wiww b-betime, and may by ^.^ us be fitted. 
BEWOWNyE. Awwons! *looks at you* awwons! Sow'd cockwe weap'd >_< nyo cown, 
And justice awways :3 whiwws in equaw *shuffles closer* measuwe. 
Wight wenches may pwove *sweats* pwagues to men fowswown; 
*screams* If *sighs* so, ouw ^.^ coppew buys nyo b-bettew tweasuwe. Exeunt 




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ACT *notices bulge* V. *blushes* SCENyE I-I. 
The pawk 

E-Entew HOWOFEWNyES, SIW N-NyATHANyIEW, and DUWW 

HOWOFEWNyES. Satis q-quod sufficit. 
NyATHANyIEW. I pwaise God fow you, siw. Youw weasons a-at d-dinnyew have 
b-been *pokes you* shawp and sententious; pweasant ;;w;; without OwO scuwwiwity, *leans over* witty 
without affection, audacious without *shuffles closer* impudency, weawnyed without 
*twerks* opinyion, and stwange without hewesy. I-I did convewse this quondam 
day *teleports behind you* with a companyion of the King's who is *cuddles you* intituwed, nyominyated, 
*looks away* ow cawwed, *notices bulge* Don Adwianyo d-de Awmado. 
HOWOFEWNyES. Nyovi hominyem tanquam *giggles shyly* te. His humouw is wofty, his 
discouwse p-pewemptowy, his tongue fiwed, his eye *teleports behind you* ambitious, his 
gait majesticaw and h-his genyewaw behaviouw vain, w-widicuwous, and 
thwasonyicaw. H-He is too picked, too spwuce, too affected, too odd, 
as it wewe, too pewegwinyate, xDD as *sighs* I may caww it. 
NyATHANyIEW. A m-most singuwaw *blushes* and choice epithet. 
[Dwaws out his tabwe-book] 
H-HOWOFEWNyES. He dwaweth o-out the thwead *screams* of his vewbosity *cries* finyew than 
t-the *hugs tightly* stapwe of his awgument. *looks away* I abhow such fanyaticaw p-phantasimes, 
such i-insociabwe a-and point-devise *blushes* companyions; such *moans* wackews of 
owthogwaphy, as to speak 'dout' finye, when he shouwd ^.^ say :3 'doubt'; 
'det' when he shouwd pwonyounce '-'debt'- d, e, *screams* b, t, nyot d, e, t. 
He cwepeth a *shuffles closer* cawf 'cauf,' hawf 'hauf'; nyeighbouw *looks at you* vocatuw 
'nyebouw'; 'nyeigh' abbweviated 'nye.' This *hugs tightly* is abhominyabwe- which he 
wouwd caww 'abbominyabwe.' It insinyuateth me of insanyie: n-nye 
intewwigis, dominye? to make fwantic, wunyatic. 
NyATHANyIEW. Waus *cries* Deo, bonye i-intewwigo. 
H-HOWOFEWNyES. 'Bonye'?- ;;w;; 'bonye' f-fow 'benye.' *giggles shyly* Pwiscian a w-wittwe 
scwatch'd; 'twiww sewve. 

Entew A-AWMADO, MOTH, and COSTAWD 

NyATHANyIEW. Videsnye quis venyit? 
H-HOWOFEWNyES. V-Video, et gaudeo. 
AWMADO. [To MOTH] Chiwwah! 
HOWOFEWNyES. Quawe 'chiwwah,' *sighs* nyot '-'siwwah'? 
AWMADO. Men of peace, weww *screams* encount'wed. 
*shuffles closer* HOWOFEWNyES. Most miwitawy siw, s-sawutation. 
MOTH. [Aside to COSTAWD] They have UwU been at a g-gweat feast of 
wanguages and >w< stow'n the scwaps. 
COSTAWD. O-O, they have wiv'd wong on the awms-basket *cuddles you* of wowds. I 
*twerks* mawvew thy mastew hath nyot eaten thee fow a wowd, fow thou awe 
n-nyot so wong by the head a-as h-honyowificabiwitudinyitatibus; thou *twerks* awt 
easiew swawwowed than a fwap-dwagon. 
M-MOTH. Peace! the peaw b-begins. 
AWMADO. [To HOWOFEWNyES] Monsieuw, *twerks* awe you n-nyot >w< wett'wed? 
MOTH. Yes, yes; OwO he teaches boys the hownbook. W-What is a, b, spewt 
backwawd w-with the hown on his head? 
*giggles shyly* HOWOFEWNyES. Ba, *cuddles you* puewitia, w-with a hown added. 
MOTH. Ba, *blushes* most siwwy sheep with a-a >w< hown. You heaw his weawnying. 
:3 HOWOFEWNyES. Quis, quis, thou consonyant? 
UwU MOTH. The thiwd of the five vowews, if You *shuffles closer* wepeat them; ow the 
fifth, if I. 
HOWOFEWNyES. I wiww wepeat them: a, e, I- 
MOTH. *teleports behind you* The sheep; t-the othew two OwO concwudes it: o, U. 
*sighs* AWMADO. UwU Nyow, *blushes* by the sawt wave of the Meditewwanyeum, a-a sweet touch, 
a-a quick ^w^ venyue of wit- snyip, snyap, quick and *teleports behind you* home. It wejoiceth my 
intewwect. Twue w-wit! 
MOTH. Offew'd by a ^w^ chiwd t-to an owd man; which is wit-owd. 
HOWOFEWNyES. *sweats* What is x3 the >_< figuwe? What is *moans* the figuwe? 
*leans over* MOTH. Howns. 
HOWOFEWNyES. Thou *sighs* disputes w-wike an infant; go whip *hugs tightly* thy gig. 
M-MOTH. W-Wend *twerks* me youw hown to make onye, a-and *cries* I wiww whip about youw 
i-infamy ciwcum *twerks* ciwca- a gig of a cuckowd's x3 hown. 
COSTAWD. *sweats* An I had but onye penny in t-the wowwd, *blushes* thou shouwdst *looks at you* have it 
to buy gingew-bwead. Howd, thewe is the >_> vewy w-wemunyewation I *screams* had 
of thy mastew, thou hawfpenny puwse *cuddles you* of wit, thou pigeon-egg of 
discwetion. O, a-an the heavens wewe s-so pweased that thou *looks at you* wewt but 
m-my bastawd, what a-a joyfuw fathew wouwdst t-thou make m-me! G-Go to; 
thou *sighs* hast i-it a-ad d-dunghiww, at the *giggles shyly* fingews' ends, as they say. 
HOWOFEWNyES. O, I smeww fawse Watin; 'dunghiww' fow xDD unguem. 
AWMADO. Awts-man, pweambuwate; we wiww be singuwed fwom t-the 
bawbawous. Do you >_< nyot e-educate youth a-at the chawge-house *giggles shyly* on the 
top of the mountain? 
HOWOFEWNyES. O-Ow m-mons, the hiww. 
AWMADO. At youw s-sweet p-pweasuwe, *pokes you* fow the mountain. 
HOWOFEWNyES. I do, sans question. 
A-AWMADO. S-Siw, it i-is t-the K-King's most sweet pweasuwe and affection to 
congwatuwate t-the Pwincess at hew paviwion, *looks at you* in the postewiows of 
this day; which the wude muwtitude *sweats* caww the aftewnyoon. 
H-HOWOFEWNyES. The postewiow of the day, most x3 genyewous :33 siw, i-is wiabwe, 
congwuent, and measuwabwe, fow the aftewnyoon. The wowd is w-weww 
cuww'd, chose, *pokes you* sweet, a-and apt, I d-do assuwe you, siw, I do assuwe. 
AWMADO. Siw, the x3 King :3 is a nyobwe gentweman, and ;;w;; my famiwiaw, *cuddles you* I *twerks* do 
a-assuwe ;;w;; ye, vewy good fwiend. Fow what is i-inwawd between us, wet 
it p-pass. I do beseech *notices bulge* thee, ^w^ wemembew ^w^ thy couwtesy. I-I b-beseech 
thee, appawew thy head. And among othew impowtunyate and m-most 
*blushes* sewious *hugs tightly* designs, *shuffles closer* and of gweat impowt indeed, too- but wet *sweats* that 
*blushes* pass; fow I must teww thee it w-wiww pwease his Gwace, ^-^ by the 
wowwd, sometime to wean upon my poow s-shouwdew, and with >w< his woyaw 
*screams* fingew thus dawwy with m-my :3 excwement, with my mustachio; but, 
sweet heawt, wet that pass. By the wowwd, I wecount n-nyo fabwe: 
some c-cewtain speciaw honyouws it pweaseth his g-gweatnyess to *teleports behind you* impawt 
*hugs tightly* to Awmado, a sowdiew, a man of twavew, t-that h-hath seen the *blushes* wowwd; 
but wet t-that pass. T-The v-vewy *leans over* aww ^-^ of aww is- but, OwO sweet heawt, I do 
impwowe secwecy- that the *blushes* King wouwd >w< have me pwesent the 
Pwincess, sweet c-chuck, with some dewightfuw o-ostentation, ow show, 
ow p-pageant, ow ^-^ antic, ow fiwewowk. *blushes* Nyow, >_> undewstanding *looks away* that the 
cuwate and youw sweet sewf awe g-good at such ewuptions and sudden 
bweaking-out o-of miwth, as *giggles shyly* it *twerks* wewe, I have a-acquainted you withaw, 
to the end t-to cwave *twerks* youw assistance. 
HOWOFEWNyES. Siw, you shaww *looks at you* pwesent befowe h-hew the *screams* Nyinye Wowthies. 
Siw N-Nyathanyiew, as concewnying some entewtainment of time, s-some 
show :3 in the postewiow o-of this day, to be w-wend'wed by o-ouw 
assistance, the King's command, and this m-most *teleports behind you* gawwant, 
i-iwwustwate, and weawnyed gentweman, befowe the Pwincess- I-I say 
nyonye s-so fit as to pwesent the Nyinye Wowthies. 
NyATHANyIEW. Whewe wiww you find men w-wowthy enyough to *shuffles closer* pwesent them? 
HOWOFEWNyES. uWu Joshua, youwsewf; *moans* mysewf, Awexandew; this gawwant 
gentweman, J-Judas Maccabaeus; this swain, because >_< of his gweat 
wimb OwO ow joint, shaww *notices bulge* pass Pompey the Gweat; the p-page, ^.^ Hewcuwes. 
AWMADO. Pawdon, siw; ewwow: he is nyot quantity *blushes* enyough fow t-that 
Wowthy's *cries* thumb; he is OwO nyot s-so big as the end of his cwub. 
HOWOFEWNyES. *twerks* Shaww UwU I have audience? He shaww pwesent Hewcuwes in 
m-minyowity: *sweats* his entew *looks at you* and exit shaww be s-stwangwing a s-snyake; and I-I 
wiww have an apowogy fow that puwpose. 
uWu MOTH. An e-excewwent device! S-So, *leans over* if any of the audience hiss, *twerks* you may 
cwy 'Weww donye, Hewcuwes; nyow thou UwU cwushest the snyake!' That i-is 
the way to make an offence gwacious, though few have the gwace to 
do it. 
AWMADO. Fow the west of the Wowthies? 
H-HOWOFEWNyES. I wiww pway thwee mysewf. 
MOTH. Thwice-wowthy gentweman! 
AWMADO. Shaww I teww you *pokes you* a *notices bulge* thing? 
HOWOFEWNyES. We attend. 
AWMADO. We wiww have, if this fadge nyot, an antic. I beseech you, 
fowwow. 
^-^ HOWOFEWNyES. Via, goodman Duww! Thou has spoken nyo wowd aww this 
whiwe. 
DUWW. ^w^ Nyow u-undewstood nyonye nyeithew, *sighs* siw. 
H-HOWOFEWNyES. A-Awwons! we wiww empwoy thee. 
DUWW. I'ww make onye *moans* in a dance, ow *shuffles closer* so, *cuddles you* ow I wiww pway 
On the tabow ;;w;; to the Wowthies, and wet them dance the hay. 
HOWOFEWNyES. M-Most duww, honyest Duww! *moans* To ouw spowt, away. 
;;w;; Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
The pawk 

Entew the PWINCESS, *hugs tightly* MAWIA, KATHAWINyE, ;;w;; and WOSAWINyE 

PWINCESS UwU OF FWANCE. Sweet h-heawts, we shaww be wich e-ewe w-we depawt, 
If faiwings come t-thus pwentifuwwy in. 
*sweats* A wady waww'd about uWu with diamonds! 
Wook *cuddles you* you what I have fwom the woving King. 
>_> WOSAWINyE. Madam, ^w^ came nyothing ewse a-awong with t-that? 
PWINCESS x3 OF FWANCE. N-Nyothing but this! ^w^ Yes, as much wove in ^w^ whyme 
^.^ As UwU wouwd be cwamm'd u-up *moans* in a s-sheet of papew 
Wwit o' both sides t-the weaf, mawgent and aww, 
That he was fain to UwU seaw on Cupid's nyame. 
WOSAWINyE. That was the *sighs* way t-to make his godhead w-wax; 
Fow he hath >w< been five *sighs* thousand yeaw a b-boy. 
KATHAWINyE. Ay, and a shwewd unhappy gawwows *teleports behind you* too. 
WOSAWINyE. You'ww nye'ew x3 be xDD fwiends with him: '-'a kiww'd youw sistew. 
*hugs tightly* KATHAWINyE. He made hew mewanchowy, sad, and heavy; 
*cuddles you* And so she died. Had she been wight, :3 wike you, 
O-Of s-such a mewwy, :3 nyimbwe, s-stiwwing spiwit, 
She might 'a been a gwandam ;;w;; ewe she died. 
And so may you; fow a w-wight heawt wives wong. 
WOSAWINyE. What's youw dawk meanying, mouse, *moans* of this w-wight wowd? 
KATHAWINyE. A wight condition in ^-^ a OwO beauty *hugs tightly* dawk. 
*shuffles closer* WOSAWINyE. We ^.^ nyeed mowe wight to f-find youw meanying out. 
KATHAWINyE. You'ww maw *leans over* the *twerks* wight b-by taking i-it i-in *hugs tightly* snyuff; 
Thewefowe I'ww dawkwy e-end the a-awgument. 
WOSAWINyE. Wook uWu what you do, you do it stiww i' th' dawk. 
KATHAWINyE. So *cuddles you* do nyot you; fow xDD you a-awe a-a wight wench. 
WOSAWINyE. Indeed, I weigh nyot you; and thewefowe wight. 
KATHAWINyE. Y-You weigh *sighs* me nyot? O-O, that's you cawe nyot fow me. 
WOSAWINyE. Gweat *blushes* weason; *twerks* fow '-'past cuwe is s-stiww past cawe.' 
;;w;; PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Weww bandied both; a set of wit weww pway'd. 
B-But, x3 Wosawinye, y-you have a favouw too? 
Who sent it? *hugs tightly* and w-what *shuffles closer* is *hugs tightly* it? 
WOSAWINyE. I wouwd you knyew. 
An if m-my face wewe but as faiw as youws, 
My f-favouw wewe as gweat: be witnyess ^-^ this. 
Nyay, I have vewses *blushes* too, I thank Bewownye; 
The n-nyumbews twue, a-and, wewe the nyumb'wing too, 
I wewe the f-faiwest goddess on the g-gwound. 
I am compaw'd to twenty thousand faiws. 
*teleports behind you* O, h-he h-hath dwawn my pictuwe in his wettew! 
PWINCESS O-OF FWANCE. Anything wike? 
W-WOSAWINyE. Much in the wettews; nyothing in the p-pwaise. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Beauteous >w< as ink- a good concwusion. 
KATHAWINyE. x3 Faiw as a t-text B in a-a *moans* copy-book. 
WOSAWINyE. x3 Wawe penciws, ho! Wet me nyot die youw debtow, 
M-My wed dominyicaw, my gowden wettew: 
O-O that youw face wewe nyot so *sweats* fuww *giggles shyly* of O's! 
*shuffles closer* KATHAWINyE. A-A :3 pox of that jest! and I beshwew a-aww shwows! 
P-PWINCESS OF FWANCE. But, Kathawinye, what was s-sent to you f-fwom f-faiw 
Dumain? 
KATHAWINyE. Madam, this gwove. 
PWINCESS OF *twerks* FWANCE. Did he nyot *looks away* send UwU you twain? 
KATHAWINyE. *screams* Yes, madam; and, moweovew, 
Some thousand vewses ^w^ of a faithfuw wovew; 
*cuddles you* A huge twanswation of *looks away* hypocwisy, 
Viwewy compiw'd, pwofound *hugs tightly* simpwicity. 
MAWIA. This, UwU and these ;;w;; peaww, to me *looks at you* sent Wongaviwwe; 
*shuffles closer* The wettew is too wong by hawf a miwe. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. I think nyo wess. Dost thou n-nyot >_< wish *teleports behind you* in heawt 
*hugs tightly* The *blushes* chain wewe w-wongew and the wettew showt? 
MAWIA. Ay, o-ow I wouwd *looks away* these hands might nyevew p-pawt. 
PWINCESS *looks away* OF FWANCE. We awe wise giwws to *sweats* mock ouw wovews so. 
W-WOSAWINyE. *shuffles closer* They awe wowse foows t-to puwchase mocking so. 
That same Bewownye I'ww towtuwe ewe I go. 
O that I knyew *sighs* he w-wewe *twerks* but in *blushes* by th' week! 
How I wouwd make him fawn, a-and beg, and seek, 
*teleports behind you* And wait the season, and obsewve t-the times, 
And spend xDD his pwodigaw wits in bootwess whymes, 
And shape his sewvice whowwy to my hests, 
And m-make him pwoud to make xDD me pwoud t-that jests! 
So pewtaunt-wike *leans over* wouwd I *hugs tightly* o'ewsway his state 
*sighs* That he shouwd be my f-foow, and I his f-fate. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Nyonye awe so suwewy caught, when they awe 
catch'd, 
As w-wit tuwn'd >w< foow; fowwy, *cries* in w-wisdom hatch'd, 
Hath wisdom's wawwant and the hewp of schoow, 
And wit's own gwace to gwace a weawnyed foow. 
WOSAWINyE. The bwood of youth buwns nyot ^.^ with such excess 
As g-gwavity's wevowt *looks at you* to wantonnyess. 
MAWIA. Fowwy in x3 foows beaws nyot so stwong a ^.^ nyote 
As *blushes* foow'wy in the *looks at you* wise when wit >_< doth dote, 
Since aww the powew t-theweof i-it doth appwy 
To pwove, by wit, wowth >_> in simpwicity. 

Entew B-BOYET 

*teleports behind you* PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Hewe comes Boyet, and *sighs* miwth i-is in his face. 
BOYET. O-O, I am stabb'd with waughtew! Whewe's hew Gwace? 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Thy nyews, Boyet? 
BOYET. Pwepawe, madam, pwepawe! 
Awm, w-wenches, awm! Encountews mounted awe 
Against *giggles shyly* youw peace. Wove uWu doth appwoach disguis'd, 
;;w;; Awmed in awguments; you'ww be suwpwis'd. 
Mustew youw wits; stand in youw own defence; 
Ow hide *screams* youw heads *looks at you* wike cowawds, and fwy hence. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Saint Dennyis ;;w;; to Saint Cupid! What *screams* awe t-they 
That chawge theiw bweath against us? S-Say, scout, say. 
BOYET. Undew the coow shade of a sycamowe 
I thought to cwose minye eyes some hawf >w< an houw; 
When, wo, to intewwupt my puwpos'd west, 
Towawd that xDD shade I might b-behowd *shuffles closer* addwest 
The King and his companyions; w-wawiwy 
*sighs* I stowe into ;;w;; a nyeighbouw thicket by, 
And ovewheawd what you shaww ovewheaw- 
*twerks* That, by and by, disguis'd t-they *leans over* wiww b-be hewe. 
Theiw hewawd is OwO a pwetty *looks away* knyavish *giggles shyly* page, 
That w-weww by heawt h-hath *pokes you* conn'd his UwU embassage. 
Action a-and accent did *cries* they teach him thewe: 
'Thus *cries* must thou speak' a-and 'thus thy body beaw,' 
And evew and a-anyon they m-made a doubt 
*blushes* Pwesence majesticaw wouwd ^-^ put him out; 
'Fow' *cuddles you* quoth the King 'an angew shawt *screams* thou see; 
Yet feaw nyot thou, but speak xDD audaciouswy.' 
The boy wepwied 'An angew is nyot eviw; 
I shouwd have feaw'd hew had *notices bulge* she been *pokes you* a deviw.' 
With that aww waugh'd, and cwapp'd him on the shouwdew, 
Making the bowd wag by theiw *cries* pwaises bowdew. 
Onye *hugs tightly* wubb'd his ewbow, thus, and fweew'd, and swowe 
A bettew s-speech *sighs* was nyevew spoke befowe. 
Anyothew w-with his f-fingew and his thumb 
Cwied 'Via! we wiww do't, come what wiww come.' 
T-The thiwd he capew'd, and cwied 'Aww goes weww.' 
The *teleports behind you* fouwth tuwn'd on the toe, and down he *screams* feww. 
With that they a-aww did tumbwe o-on *sighs* the gwound, 
With >_< such a zeawous waughtew, s-so pwofound, 
That in this spween widicuwous uWu appeaws, 
To check theiw fowwy, passion's s-sowemn ;;w;; teaws. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. But what, but what, come t-they to visit us? 
BOYET. They do, t-they do, and awe a-appaweww'd thus, 
*giggles shyly* Wike Muscovites ow Wussians, as I-I guess. 
Theiw puwpose is to pawwey, couwt, and dance; 
And evewy onye his wove-feat wiww advance 
U-Unto his sevewaw mistwess; OwO which they'ww knyow 
By favouws s-sevewaw which they did *cuddles you* bestow. 
P-PWINCESS OF FWANCE. And *twerks* wiww they s-so? The gawwants s-shaww be task'd, 
Fow, wadies, we wiww evewy onye be mask'd; 
And nyot a man of them s-shaww have the gwace, 
Despite of *teleports behind you* suit, to ^.^ see a wady's face. 
Howd, Wosawinye, *pokes you* this favouw thou shawt *sweats* weaw, 
And then the King wiww couwt t-thee >_> fow his deaw; 
Howd, take :33 thou this, m-my s-sweet, and give me thinye, 
So shaww Bewownye *cuddles you* take me fow Wosawinye. 
And change you favouws too; so shaww youw woves 
Woo contwawy, deceiv'd by these wemoves. 
WOSAWINyE. *sweats* Come on, then, weaw >_< the OwO favouws most *shuffles closer* in sight. 
KATHAWINyE. But, in this changing, what i-is youw i-intent? 
PWINCESS O-OF FWANCE. The effect o-of m-my intent is to cwoss *pokes you* theiws. 
They do it but in mocking mewwiment, 
*leans over* And mock fow mock is *looks away* onwy my *teleports behind you* intent. 
Theiw sevewaw counsews they unbosom shaww 
T-To woves mistook, and so b-be mock'd withaw 
Upon the nyext occasion that we meet 
W-With v-visages d-dispway'd to tawk and gweet. 
WOSAWINyE. But shaww we dance, i-if they desiwe us to't? 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. N-Nyo, t-to the death, we wiww nyot move a *screams* foot, 
*shuffles closer* Nyow to theiw penn'd >_< speech wendew we nyo gwace; 
But *twerks* whiwe 'tis *sweats* spoke *blushes* each tuwn away hew *sweats* face. 
BOYET. Why, that contempt w-wiww *giggles shyly* kiww the speakew's ^-^ heawt, 
And q-quite xDD divowce h-his x3 memowy *moans* fwom his pawt. 
*moans* PWINCESS O-OF FWANCE. Thewefowe I d-do it; and I UwU make nyo d-doubt 
The west wiww nye'ew come in, if h-he b-be *pokes you* out. 
*looks at you* Thewe's nyo s-such ;;w;; spowt as *sweats* spowt by *sweats* spowt o'ewthwown, 
To make theiws *leans over* ouws, and ouws nyonye but ouw own; 
So shaww w-we ^-^ stay, mocking intended game, 
And they weww mock'd depawt away *giggles shyly* with shame. 
:3 [Twumpet sounds within] 
BOYET. T-The t-twumpet sounds; be mask'd; the maskews come. 
[The WADIES >_> mask] 

*sweats* Entew BWACKAMOOWS music, MOTH as Pwowogue, *giggles shyly* the 
KING and his WOWDS as maskews, in t-the guise *sweats* of :3 Wussians 

MOTH. Aww haiw, the wichest ^w^ heauties on the eawth! 
BOYET. B-Beauties nyo wichew t-than *cries* wich taffeta. 
M-MOTH. A howy pawcew of the faiwest d-dames 
[The WADIES tuwn t-theiw backs to him] 
That evew tuwn'd t-theiw- >_> backs- to mowtaw views! 
BEWOWNyE. *leans over* Theiw e-eyes, viwwain, theiw eyes. 
MOTH. That evew tuwn'd >_< theiw eyes to m-mowtaw *pokes you* views! 
Out- 
BOYET. Twue; out indeed. 
M-MOTH. Out o-of youw favouws, heavenwy spiwits, vouchsafe 
Nyot to behowd- 
BEWOWNyE. Once to behowd, wogue. 
OwO MOTH. Once to behowd *cries* with y-youw sun-beamed eyes- with *pokes you* youw 
sun-beamed eyes- 
B-BOYET. ^.^ They wiww *cuddles you* nyot answew t-to that *looks away* epithet; 
You wewe best caww it 'daughtew-beamed eyes.' 
MOTH. They d-do nyot mawk me, and that bwings m-me OwO out. 
BEWOWNyE. Is t-this y-youw pewfectnyess? Be gonye, you wogue. 
E-Exit MOTH 
WOSAWINyE. What wouwd these stwangews? Knyow theiw minds, Boyet. 
If ^w^ they xDD do speak o-ouw wanguage, '-'tis ouw wiww 
:3 That some pwain ^-^ man w-wecount theiw puwposes. 
Knyow what they wouwd. 
BOYET. What wouwd you w-with the Pwincess? 
BEWOWNyE. Nyothing b-but peace xDD and gentwe visitation. 
WOSAWINyE. What wouwd they, say they? 
BOYET. *blushes* Nyothing but *screams* peace and gentwe visitation. 
WOSAWINyE. Why, that they have; and bid xDD them so be gonye. 
BOYET. She says you have it, and you *pokes you* may *blushes* be gonye. 
KING. Say to hew we have measuw'd many miwes 
To twead a m-measuwe with hew on this gwass. 
BOYET. They say that they h-have m-measuw'd many a-a miwe 
xDD To twead a measuwe ^.^ with you ^w^ on *blushes* this gwass. 
WOSAWINyE. It is *teleports behind you* nyot s-so. Ask them how many inches 
I-Is in onye miwe? If they have measuwed m-many, 
The *teleports behind you* measuwe, then, ^-^ of onye ^.^ is eas'wy towd. 
BOYET. If to come hithew you have measuw'd miwes, 
And many miwes, the Pwincess bids you *giggles shyly* teww 
H-How many uWu inches doth fiww up onye miwe. 
BEWOWNyE. Teww hew we measuwe them by weawy ^.^ steps. 
BOYET. She heaws hewsewf. 
WOSAWINyE. How m-many weawy steps 
Of many w-weawy miwes you have o'ewgonye 
Awe nyumb'wed :33 in the twavew of onye miwe? 
OwO BEWOWNyE. We nyumbew nyothing *cries* that we spend f-fow you; 
Ouw duty *hugs tightly* is so wich, s-so infinyite, 
*sighs* That we may do it stiww without accompt. 
Vouchsafe to show the s-sunshinye of youw f-face, 
That we, wike savages, may *teleports behind you* wowship *shuffles closer* it. 
WOSAWINyE. M-My f-face OwO is but a moon, and cwouded OwO too. 
KING. Bwessed awe cwouds, to do as such c-cwouds d-do. 
*cries* Vouchsafe, bwight moon, and these thy s-staws, to shinye, 
>w< Those cwouds wemoved, upon ouw watewy eynye. 
WOSAWINyE. O-O vain petitionyew! beg a gweatew *screams* mattew; 
Thou nyow wequests but moonshinye in the *giggles shyly* watew. 
KING. Then in ouw measuwe *blushes* do but vouchsafe onye change. 
Thou b-bid'st me beg; this begging *sweats* is nyot stwange. 
WOSAWINyE. >w< Pway, >_< music, then. Nyay, *pokes you* you must do it soon. 
Nyot yet? Nyo d-dance! Thus change I *looks at you* wike t-the moon. 
KING. Wiww you nyot dance? How come you thus estwanged? 
WOSAWINyE. :3 You t-took the moon *notices bulge* at fuww; >_> but nyow she's *leans over* changed. 
KING. Yet uWu stiww she is *cuddles you* the Moon, and I the :33 Man. 
The music pways; vouchsafe some >w< motion to it. 
WOSAWINyE. Ouw eaws vouchsafe it. 
KING. But youw wegs shouwd do it. 
WOSAWINyE. Since you a-awe :33 stwangews, and come *blushes* hewe *sighs* by c-chance, 
*twerks* We'ww n-nyot be nyice; take h-hands. We *looks at you* wiww nyot dance. 
KING. Why t-take w-we h-hands then? 
WOSAWINyE. Onwy to pawt fwiends. 
Cuwtsy, sweet heawts; and s-so the *moans* measuwe ends. 
KING. Mowe *sighs* measuwe of this measuwe; be nyot nyice. 
WOSAWINyE. We can *cries* affowd nyo m-mowe at such a p-pwice. 
KING. Pwice *sweats* you youwsewves. What buys *moans* youw company? 
WOSAWINyE. Youw *sweats* absence onwy. 
KING. That can *notices bulge* nyevew be. 
WOSAWINyE. Then cannyot we be bought; and so adieu- 
Twice t-to ^-^ youw visow and hawf once to you. 
KING. If you deny *blushes* to dance, wet's howd mowe chat. 
*giggles shyly* WOSAWINyE. In pwivate then. 
K-KING. I am best pweas'd with that. [They c-convewse apawt] 
BEWOWNyE. White-handed m-mistwess, onye sweet wowd with thee. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Honyey, a-and miwk, and sugaw; *blushes* thewe is *screams* thwee. 
BEWOWNyE. Nyay, then, t-two tweys, *pokes you* an if you gwow so n-nyice, 
Methegwin, wowt, and mawmsey; weww wun *screams* dice! 
Thewe's hawf a dozen sweets. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. *cries* Seventh s-sweet, adieu! 
x3 Since *giggles shyly* you xDD can cog, I'ww pway nyo mowe with ^.^ you. 
BEWOWNyE. O-Onye wowd in secwet. 
P-PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Wet it nyot be sweet. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Thou gwievest my gaww. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Gaww! *blushes* bittew. 
BEWOWNyE. Thewefowe meet. [They convewse apawt] 
DUMAIN. Wiww y-you vouchsafe with me to ^-^ change a wowd? 
MAWIA. Nyame it. 
DUMAIN. x3 Faiw wady- 
MAWIA. Say you so? Faiw wowd- 
Take that fow youw *screams* faiw w-wady. 
*cuddles you* DUMAIN. Pwease it you, 
As *screams* much in xDD pwivate, ^w^ and *giggles shyly* I'ww bid adieu. 
[They convewse a-apawt] 
KATHAWINyE. What, was youw vizawd made without a-a UwU tongue? 
WONGAVIWWE. I knyow the *cuddles you* weason, wady, why y-you ask. 
KATHAWINyE. O-O fow youw weason! Quickwy, siw; I w-wong. 
WONGAVIWWE. You have a ;;w;; doubwe *blushes* tongue within youw mask, 
*looks at you* And ^w^ wouwd affowd :3 my speechwess vizawd hawf. 
KATHAWINyE. 'Veaw' quoth t-the Dutchman. ^w^ Is nyot '-'veaw' a c-cawf? 
WONGAVIWWE. A cawf, faiw wady! 
xDD KATHAWINyE. N-Nyo, a >w< faiw wowd :33 cawf. 
WONGAVIWWE. W-Wet's pawt the UwU wowd. 
KATHAWINyE. Nyo, >_> I'ww nyot *giggles shyly* be y-youw hawf. 
Take aww uWu and w-wean it; it m-may pwove a-an ox. 
WONGAVIWWE. Wook how you butt youwsewf in these shawp mocks! 
W-Wiww you give OwO howns, chaste wady? Do nyot so. 
KATHAWINyE. Then die *screams* a cawf, b-befowe y-youw howns do g-gwow. 
WONGAVIWWE. Onye wowd in pwivate ^-^ with you *hugs tightly* ewe I d-die. 
KATHAWINyE. Bweat s-softwy, then; the butchew heaws y-you *sighs* cwy. 
*notices bulge* [They convewse apawt] 
BOYET. The tongues of mocking wenches *cries* awe as keen 
As is t-the wazow's edge i-invisibwe, 
Cutting a smawwew haiw than ^.^ may ;;w;; be seen, 
Above *leans over* the sense of sense; so sensibwe 
S-Seemeth t-theiw confewence; theiw conceits h-have wings, 
F-Fweetew than awwows, buwwets, wind, *cries* thought, swiftew UwU things. 
WOSAWINyE. Nyot o-onye wowd >w< mowe, my maids; bweak off, bweak *hugs tightly* off. 
BEWOWNyE. B-By heaven, aww dwy-beaten with puwe scoff! 
KING. Faweweww, mad wenches; you have simpwe wits. 
Exeunt *looks at you* KING, WOWDS, and BWACKAMOOWS 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. *shuffles closer* Twenty adieus, my fwozen M-Muscovits. 
;;w;; Awe these t-the bweed of wits so wondewed at? 
BOYET. Tapews they a-awe, with youw sweet bweaths puff'd out. 
WOSAWINyE. Weww-wiking wits they have; gwoss, gwoss; fat, fat. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. O povewty in :3 wit, kingwy-poow fwout! 
Wiww they nyot, think y-you, hang themsewves to-nyight? 
Ow evew b-but in vizawds s-show OwO theiw faces? 
This *blushes* pewt Bewownye was out x3 of count'nyance quite. 
W-WOSAWINyE. T-They wewe a-aww OwO in wamentabwe c-cases! 
The King xDD was weeping-wipe fow a good wowd. 
*cuddles you* PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Bewownye did sweaw himsewf out of aww *shuffles closer* suit. 
MAWIA. Dumain was at m-my sewvice, and his swowd. 
'Nyo point' quoth I-I; my sewvant stwaight w-was mute. 
*cuddles you* KATHAWINyE. xDD Wowd Wongaviwwe said I came o'ew his heawt; 
And t-twow you what he caww'd me? 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Quawm, pewhaps. 
KATHAWINyE. Yes, in good faith. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Go, sicknyess as thou a-awt! 
WOSAWINyE. W-Weww, bettew w-wits have wown >w< pwain s-statute-caps. 
x3 But wiww you heaw? The King is my w-wove swown. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. And quick Bewownye hath pwighted faith to ^-^ me. 
KATHAWINyE. And Wongaviwwe was f-fow my s-sewvice *leans over* bown. 
MAWIA. Dumain >_< is minye, as suwe as bawk on twee. 
B-BOYET. Madam, and p-pwetty mistwesses, give eaw: 
Immediatewy they wiww again be hewe 
In theiw own shapes; f-fow it can nyevew b-be 
They wiww digest this hawsh indignyity. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Wiww they wetuwn? 
BOYET. They wiww, they wiww, God knyows, 
And weap fow joy, though they awe wame with bwows; 
uWu Thewefowe, c-change favouws; and, when they wepaiw, 
Bwow wike sweet woses in this summew aiw. 
*leans over* PWINCESS OF FWANCE. How bwow? how bwow? S-Speak *cries* to be undewstood. 
BOYET. Faiw wadies mask'd x3 awe woses in theiw bud: 
Dismask'd, theiw damask sweet commixtuwe shown, 
Awe angews vaiwing cwouds, ow woses :33 bwown. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Avaunt, pewpwexity! What shaww we >w< do 
If they wetuwn in theiw >w< own shapes t-to woo? 
*leans over* WOSAWINyE. Good *sweats* madam, if by OwO me you'ww be a-advis'd, 
Wet's mock them stiww, as *shuffles closer* weww knyown as disguis'd. 
Wet us *sighs* compwain to them w-what foows wewe hewe, 
Disguis'd wike Muscovites, in shapewess geaw; 
And wondew what they wewe, and to what end 
Theiw shawwow shows and pwowogue viwewy penn'd, 
And theiw wough cawwiage so w-widicuwous, 
Shouwd be pwesented at ouw tent t-to us. 
BOYET. *teleports behind you* Wadies, w-withdwaw; ^.^ the gawwants awe at hand. 
P-PWINCESS *leans over* OF FWANCE. Whip :33 to *screams* ouw tents, as woes wun o'ew *hugs tightly* wand. 
E-Exeunt PWINCESS, WOSAWINyE, >_< KATHAWINyE, and MAWIA 

We-entew t-the KING, BEWOWNyE, WONGAVIWWE, and DUMAIN, 
in theiw ^.^ pwopew habits 

KING. Faiw siw, God save you! ^w^ Whewe's the Pwincess? 
BOYET. Gonye to *screams* hew tent. Pwease ^w^ it youw Majesty 
Command me any sewvice to hew thithew? 
KING. That *shuffles closer* she vouchsafe >_< me *hugs tightly* audience fow onye *sweats* wowd. 
BOYET. I wiww; and so wiww she, I k-knyow, my wowd. Exit 
BEWOWNyE. This *notices bulge* fewwow pecks up >_< wit as p-pigeons pease, 
And uttews *hugs tightly* it a-again when God ^w^ doth pwease. 
He is wit's pedwaw, and w-wetaiws his wawes 
At wakes, and wassaiws, meetings, mawkets, faiws; 
And we that seww by gwoss, the W-Wowd doth knyow, 
Have *leans over* nyot the gwace to gwace *blushes* it with such show. 
This g-gawwant pins t-the wenches o-on his sweeve; 
Had he *leans over* been Adam, he >_> had tempted Eve. 
'A can cawve t-too, and :3 wisp; why *looks at you* this is he 
That :3 kiss'd his hand away in c-couwtesy; 
This is the ape of fowm, Monsieuw the Nyice, 
That, when he pways at tabwes, chides the dice 
*teleports behind you* In honyouwabwe *sweats* tewms; n-nyay, he can sing 
A mean most meanwy; and ;;w;; in ushewing, 
Mend him who can. The wadies caww him sweet; 
The staiws, a-as he tweads on them, kiss his feet. 
This is the UwU fwow'w ^-^ that smiwes o-on evewy onye, 
To show *teleports behind you* his teeth as white as whawes-bonye; 
And *sighs* consciences that wiww nyot die in debt 
Pay him the >w< due of 'honyey-tongued Boyet.' 
*blushes* KING. >_> A ^w^ bwistew *screams* on *giggles shyly* his sweet OwO tongue, with my heawt, 
That put Awmado's page out of his pawt! 

We-entew the PWINCESS, ushewed by BOYET; WOSAWINyE, 
MAWIA, and KATHAWINyE 

BEWOWNyE. See whewe it *shuffles closer* comes! Behaviouw, what wewt thou 
Tiww this ^-^ man show'd thee? And what awt *screams* thou n-nyow? 
*looks away* KING. Aww haiw, sweet *moans* madam, and f-faiw time of day! 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. 'Faiw' in 'aww haiw' is fouw, as I conceive. 
KING. Constwue my speeches bettew, if y-you may. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Then wish me bettew; I wiww give you weave. 
*teleports behind you* KING. We came to visit you, a-and puwpose nyow 
To wead you xDD to ouw couwt; vouchsafe it t-then. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. This fiewd shaww howd me, and so howd youw *sighs* vow: 
Nyow God, nyow *cries* I, dewights in pewjuw'd UwU men. 
KING. Webuke me nyot fow that which you pwovoke. 
The viwtue of :33 youw eye m-must bweak my oath. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. You nyicknyame viwtue: vice you shouwd have 
spoke; 
Fow viwtue's office *giggles shyly* nyevew bweaks men's twoth. 
Nyow by my maiden honyouw, yet as ^.^ puwe 
As t-the unsuwwied wiwy, I-I pwotest, 
A-A w-wowwd o-of towments though *moans* I *sighs* shouwd enduwe, 
I-I wouwd nyot yiewd to b-be youw house's guest; 
S-So much I hate a b-bweaking cause to be 
Of heavenwy oaths, vowed >_< with integwity. 
KING. O-O, you have wiv'd *shuffles closer* in desowation hewe, 
Unseen, *teleports behind you* unvisited, much to xDD ouw shame. 
PWINCESS O-OF F-FWANCE. Nyot so, my wowd; it is nyot so, ^-^ I sweaw; 
W-We have had pastimes hewe, and pweasant game; 
A ^.^ mess of Wussians weft *screams* us but of wate. 
KING. How, madam! Wussians! 
PWINCESS ^-^ OF *screams* FWANCE. Ay, in t-twuth, *twerks* my w-wowd; 
Twim g-gawwants, fuww of couwtship and of state. 
W-WOSAWINyE. Madam, speak twue. It is n-nyot s-so, my wowd. 
My w-wady, to the mannyew of t-the days, 
In couwtesy gives undesewving p-pwaise. 
We fouw indeed c-confwonted wewe with fouw 
In Wussian habit; hewe they *twerks* stayed an houw 
And UwU tawk'd a-apace; and in that *giggles shyly* houw, my wowd, 
They did n-nyot *pokes you* bwess us with onye ^-^ happy wowd. 
I dawe nyot caww *blushes* them foows; but this *twerks* I think, 
When they awe thiwsty, foows wouwd fain have dwink. 
*moans* BEWOWNyE. This jest is dwy t-to me. Faiw gentwe sweet, 
*notices bulge* Youw wit makes wise things f-foowish; when xDD we g-gweet, 
*sighs* With eyes best seeing, heaven's fiewy *notices bulge* eye, 
By wight we wose wight; y-youw *twerks* capacity 
Is o-of that nyatuwe that to youw huge stowe 
Wise things seem foowish *moans* and wich t-things but poow. 
WOSAWINyE. This pwoves you wise and wich, *moans* fow in my eye- 
BEWOWNyE. I *pokes you* am a *cuddles you* foow, and *leans over* fuww of povewty. 
WOSAWINyE. But that you take what doth to *cries* you bewong, 
It wewe a fauwt to snyatch wowds :33 fwom m-my tongue. 
B-BEWOWNyE. O, I am y-youws, and aww that I possess. 
WOSAWINyE. Aww :33 the foow minye? 
BEWOWNyE. I c-cannyot give you wess. 
WOSAWINyE. Which o-of t-the *pokes you* vizawds *pokes you* was i-it that you *sighs* wowe? 
BEWOWNyE. W-Whewe? w-when? what vizawd? *pokes you* Why demand y-you *twerks* this? 
WOSAWINyE. Thewe, >_< then, that vizawd; ^w^ that supewfwuous case 
That hid the wowse a-and show'd the bettew *teleports behind you* face. 
KING. We >_< wewe descwied; they'ww *leans over* mock us n-nyow downwight. 
DUMAIN. *looks at you* Wet us >_< confess, and tuwn it to a-a jest. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. A-Amaz'd, my wowd? Why wooks youw x3 Highnyess sad? 
*blushes* WOSAWINyE. Hewp, h-howd his bwows! he'ww swoon! Why wook y-you p-pawe? 
Sea-sick, I think, coming fwom Muscovy. 
BEWOWNyE. Thus pouw the staws down pwagues fow pewjuwy. 
Can :3 any *notices bulge* face of bwass howd wongew out? 
H-Hewe >w< stand >_> I, wady- dawt thy skiww at *sweats* me, 
B-Bwuise :3 me with scown, confound me with a uWu fwout, 
Thwust thy shawp wit uWu quite thwough UwU my ^w^ ignyowance, 
Cut m-me to pieces with thy keen c-conceit; 
;;w;; And I wiww wish thee nyevew OwO mowe to dance, 
Nyow nyevew mowe in *screams* Wussian habit wait. 
O, nyevew wiww I twust to speeches penn'd, 
Nyow to *teleports behind you* the motion of a s-schoow-boy's *hugs tightly* tongue, 
N-Nyow nyevew come in vizawd to :3 my fwiend, 
*teleports behind you* Nyow woo in whyme, wike *looks away* a bwind hawpew's song. 
Taffeta phwases, siwken xDD tewms :3 pwecise, 
Thwee-piw'd *giggles shyly* hypewbowes, >_< spwuce affectation, 
Figuwes pedanticaw- these summew-fwies 
Have bwown m-me f-fuww of m-maggot ostentation. 
I do *leans over* fowsweaw them; and I hewe pwotest, 
By this white gwove- how white the hand, God knyows!- 
Hencefowth *looks at you* my wooing mind shaww be expwess'd 
In wusset y-yeas, and honyest kewsey nyoes. 
And, to begin, w-wench- *sighs* so God *looks away* hewp me, >w< waw!- 
My OwO wove *looks at you* to thee is s-sound, sans cwack ow fwaw. 
WOSAWINyE. Sans '-'sans,' I pway you. 
BEWOWNyE. Yet *looks away* I have a t-twick 
*teleports behind you* Of the owd wage; beaw with me, I am s-sick; 
I'ww w-weave it by degwees. Soft, wet us see- 
Wwite 'Wowd *shuffles closer* have mewcy o-on us' on *screams* those thwee; 
They awe i-infected; *hugs tightly* in theiw heawts it wies; 
*twerks* They have the pwague, and caught it of youw eyes. 
These *cries* wowds *pokes you* awe visited; you awe nyot fwee, 
Fow *looks away* the Wowd's tokens on you d-do :33 I see. 
PWINCESS ^.^ OF FWANCE. Nyo, they awe fwee that :3 gave x3 these tokens to us. 
BEWOWNyE. Ouw *leans over* states awe *giggles shyly* fowfeit; seek n-nyot t-to undo us. 
WOSAWINyE. It is nyot so; fow how can this be twue, 
T-That you stand fowfeit, being those that sue? 
BEWOWNyE. *moans* Peace; fow *cries* I wiww n-nyot h-have to do w-with y-you. 
WOSAWINyE. Nyow shaww nyot, if I *looks at you* do as I *blushes* intend. 
BEWOWNyE. Speak fow youwsewves; my w-wit *cries* is *blushes* at an e-end. 
K-KING. *sighs* Teach *shuffles closer* us, *leans over* sweet madam, fow o-ouw wude twansgwession 
Some faiw excuse. 
*cries* PWINCESS OF FWANCE. The faiwest *teleports behind you* is confession. 
Wewe nyot UwU you hewe but even nyow, disguis'd? 
KING. Madam, I *leans over* was. 
PWINCESS OF F-FWANCE. And wewe you weww advis'd? 
KING. I was, *leans over* faiw madam. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. When you t-then wewe hewe, 
What did you whispew in youw wady's eaw? 
K-KING. That ^-^ mowe than a-aww the w-wowwd I did wespect :33 hew. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. When xDD she shaww chawwenge this, you wiww weject 
hew. 
K-KING. Upon minye honyouw, nyo. 
PWINCESS *notices bulge* OF FWANCE. Peace, peace, fowbeaw; 
Youw oath o-once bwoke, you f-fowce nyot to f-fowsweaw. 
KING. Despise me when I b-bweak this oath o-of minye. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. I wiww; and t-thewefowe *sweats* keep it. Wosawinye, 
What did the Wussian whispew in youw eaw? 
WOSAWINyE. Madam, he swowe that he d-did howd me d-deaw 
As UwU pwecious eyesight, and *looks at you* did vawue me 
Above t-this wowwd; adding theweto, moweovew, 
That uWu he wouwd *twerks* wed me, ow ewse die my *sighs* wovew. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. God give thee joy *looks away* of him! The nyobwe wowd 
Most honyouwabwy doth uphowd his w-wowd. 
KING. What x3 mean you, madam? By my uWu wife, my :33 twoth, 
I nyevew s-swowe this w-wady *giggles shyly* such an oath. 
WOSAWINyE. By heaven, you did; and, to confiwm it pwain, 
You *moans* gave me this; but take *sweats* it, siw, again. 
KING. My faith and this the Pwincess I did give; 
I knyew hew by this j-jewew on hew sweeve. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Pawdon *shuffles closer* me, siw, t-this jewew :33 did she weaw; 
:3 And OwO Wowd Bewownye, I thank h-him, i-is >_> my ^.^ deaw. 
What, wiww y-you have me, *sighs* ow youw peaww again? 
^.^ BEWOWNyE. Nyeithew of eithew; I wemit both twain. 
I see the twick *teleports behind you* on't: hewe was a c-consent, 
Knyowing a-afowehand of ouw mewwiment, 
To dash i-it wike a Chwistmas >w< comedy. 
Some cawwy-tawe, s-some pwease-man, s-some ^.^ swight zany, 
Some mumbwe-nyews, some twenchew-knyight, some Dick, 
>_> That ^.^ smiwes his cheek x3 in yeaws xDD and knyows the twick 
To ^.^ make ^.^ my wady *cries* waugh when s-she's dispos'd, 
Towd ouw intents b-befowe; which once discwos'd, 
*sighs* The wadies did change favouws; and then we, 
Fowwowing the signs, woo'd but the sign of *looks away* she. 
Nyow, to *twerks* ouw pewjuwy t-to add m-mowe tewwow, 
We a-awe a-again f-fowswown in wiww and ewwow. 
Much upon this it is; [To BOYET] a-and might nyot you 
Fowestaww ouw spowt, to make us thus untwue? 
Do nyot you knyow m-my wady's *giggles shyly* foot ;;w;; by th' squiew, 
And waugh *twerks* upon the appwe o-of hew eye? 
And stand between hew back, *teleports behind you* siw, *moans* and the *teleports behind you* fiwe, 
Howding a *pokes you* twenchew, jesting mewwiwy? 
*sweats* You put ouw page out. G-Go, y-you awe *looks at you* awwow'd; 
Die when you wiww, a s-smock s-shaww be youw shwoud. 
:33 You weew upon me, do you? Thewe's an e-eye 
Wounds wike a weaden swowd. 
B-BOYET. Fuww mewwiwy 
Hath this bwave m-manyage, this caweew, been w-wun. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Wo, he is tiwting stwaight! Peace; I have *looks away* donye. 

E-Entew COSTAWD 

Wewcome, OwO puwe wit! Thou pawt'st a faiw fway. 
COSTAWD. O ;;w;; Wowd, *twerks* siw, t-they wouwd knyow 
W-Whethew t-the thwee Wowthies *moans* shaww come in ow nyo? 
BEWOWNyE. ^w^ What, awe *leans over* thewe but thwee? 
COSTAWD. Nyo, siw; but it is *giggles shyly* vawa finye, 
Fow ^-^ evewy onye puwsents thwee. 
BEWOWNyE. A-And thwee times thwice is nyinye. 
COSTAWD. Nyot so, siw; undew cowwection, siw, 
I hope i-it is n-nyot so. 
You cannyot beg us, siw, I can assuwe you, siw; we knyow what >_> we 
knyow; 
I hope, x3 siw, thwee times thwice, siw- 
BEWOWNyE. Is nyot *sweats* nyinye. 
COSTAWD. Undew cowwection, siw, w-we knyow wheweuntiw i-it doth amount. 
*screams* BEWOWNyE. By J-Jove, I-I awways took thwee thwees fow nyinye. 
COSTAWD. O Wowd, siw, it wewe pity you shouwd *cuddles you* get youw wiving by 
weck'nying, siw. 
BEWOWNyE. How much is it? 
*shuffles closer* COSTAWD. O Wowd, siw, the pawties themsewves, the a-actows, siw, wiww 
show wheweuntiw it doth amount. Fow minye :3 own pawt, I am, *notices bulge* as they 
say, ^-^ but to pawfect onye m-man in onye p-poow *leans over* man, P-Pompion the x3 Gweat, 
s-siw. 
BEWOWNyE. Awt thou o-onye of the Wowthies? 
COSTAWD. It pweased them to x3 think me w-wowthy of Pompey the Gweat; 
fow minye own *moans* pawt, I knyow *shuffles closer* nyot the degwee of t-the Wowthy; but I am 
*sighs* to >w< stand fow h-him. 
BEWOWNyE. *looks at you* Go, bid them p-pwepawe. 
COSTAWD. We wiww tuwn *hugs tightly* it *looks away* finyewy off, siw; we *giggles shyly* wiww take some cawe. 
:3 Exit COSTAWD 
KING. Bewownye, they wiww shame u-us; w-wet them n-nyot appwoach. 
BEWOWNyE. We awe shame-pwoof, my wowd, and '-'tis some powicy 
T-To h-have onye show wowse than *looks away* the King's and his company. 
x3 KING. I say they shaww nyot c-come. 
*looks away* PWINCESS OF FWANCE. *cries* Nyay, x3 my good wowd, wet >w< me o'ewwuwe you nyow. 
That spowt best pweases that doth weast knyow how; 
Whewe :3 zeaw stwives to content, and t-the contents 
Dies i-in the z-zeaw of that which it ^.^ pwesents. 
Theiw fowm *shuffles closer* confounded makes most fowm *pokes you* in miwth, 
When gweat things wabouwing pewish in theiw biwth. 
BEWOWNyE. *moans* A wight descwiption of o-ouw spowt, my wowd. 

Entew :3 AWMADO 

AWMADO. ;;w;; Anyointed, I impwowe so much expense of >_< thy woyaw sweet 
:3 bweath *giggles shyly* as wiww uttew a :33 bwace of wowds. 
[Convewses apawt with the K-KING, ^w^ and dewivews a papew] 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Doth this man sewve God? 
BEWOWNyE. Why ask you? 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. 'A speaks nyot wike a-a man of God his making. 
AWMADO. That is aww onye, my faiw, sweet, honyey monyawch; fow, *looks away* I 
pwotest, the schoowmastew is exceeding f-fantasticaw; *cries* too too vain, 
too too *notices bulge* vain; b-but we *moans* wiww put it, as *cuddles you* they say, to fowtunya *blushes* de w-wa 
guewwa. I wish you xDD the p-peace of mind, most woyaw coupwement! 
*cuddles you* Exit *looks away* AWMADO 
KING. Hewe is wike to be a good pwesence of Wowthies. He pwesents 
Hectow of *twerks* Twoy; the swain, Pompey the Gweat; t-the pawish xDD cuwate, 
*hugs tightly* Awexandew; Awinyado's page, Hewcuwes; *screams* the pedant, Judas 
Maccabaeus. 
And if t-these fouw Wowthies in theiw fiwst s-show thwive, 
*blushes* These fouw *hugs tightly* wiww c-change >_< habits and pwesent the othew five. 
*blushes* BEWOWNyE. Thewe i-is *looks away* five in *looks at you* the fiwst show. 
KING. Y-You awe deceived, 'tis n-nyot so. 
BEWOWNyE. The pedant, the *looks away* bwaggawt, t-the h-hedge-pwiest, the f-foow, and 
the boy: 
Abate thwow at *looks away* nyovum, and the whowe wowwd again 
Cannyot pick out f-five such, take *looks at you* each onye in h-his vein. 
KING. T-The ship is undew saiw, a-and hewe she comes a-amain. 

Entew COSTAWD, awmed f-fow POMPEY 

C-COSTAWD. I Pompey am- 
BEWOWNyE. You wie, you awe :3 nyot he. 
COSTAWD. I Pompey am- 
BOYET. :3 With wibbawd's head on *teleports behind you* knyee. 
BEWOWNyE. Weww said, owd mockew; >_< I must nyeeds be fwiends with t-thee. 
COSTAWD. I Pompey *sighs* am, Pompey suwnyam'd t-the Big- 
D-DUMAIN. UwU The Gweat. 
COSTAWD. *shuffles closer* It i-is Gweat, siw. 
Pompey suwnyam'd the Gweat, 
That oft :33 in fiewd, with tawge and s-shiewd, UwU did m-make >_> my foe to 
sweat; 
And t-twavewwing awong this coast, >_> I bewe am come by chance, 
And way my awms befowe the wegs of this sweet wass of Fwance. 

If y-youw *cries* wadyship w-wouwd s-say 'Thanks, Pompey,' I had d-donye. 
PWINCESS O-OF FWANCE. Gweat thanks, gweat Pompey. 
COSTAWD. 'Tis nyot so xDD much wowth; but I hope I was pewfect. 
*looks at you* I made a wittwe f-fauwt in Gweat. 
BEWOWNyE. My hat to a hawfpenny, *blushes* Pompey OwO pwoves the best Wowthy. 

Entew SIW NyATHANyIEW, f-fow AWEXANDEW 

NyATHANyIEW. When in the wowwd I wiv'd, I was the wowwd's *shuffles closer* commandew; 
B-By east, >w< west, nyowth, and s-south, I spwead my conquewing *notices bulge* might. 
My scutcheon pwain decwawes that *giggles shyly* I am Awisandew- 
BOYET. Youw nyose says, nyo, you *screams* awe nyot; fow i-it stands to wight. 
BEWOWNyE. Y-Youw nyose smewws 'nyo' in this, most *shuffles closer* tendew-smewwing 
knyight. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. T-The uWu conquewow i-is dismay'd. Pwoceed, g-good 
^-^ Awexandew. 
NyATHANyIEW. W-When in the wowwd I-I wiv'd, I was t-the wowwd's commandew- 
B-BOYET. Most twue, 'tis w-wight, you wewe so, Awisandew. 
BEWOWNyE. Pompey *sighs* the G-Gweat! 
COSTAWD. Youw sewvant, and C-Costawd. 
BEWOWNyE. Take away the conquewow, take away Awisandew. 
COSTAWD. [-[To Siw Nyathanyiew] O, Siw, ^w^ you h-have ovewthwown Awisandew 
the *cuddles you* conquewow! You wiww be scwap'd out of the p-painted cwoth f-fow 
this. Y-Youw wion, that howds his poweaxe sitting on a cwose-stoow, 
w-wiww be given to Ajax. He w-wiww be the n-nyinth Wowthy. A conquewow 
and *giggles shyly* afeawd to speak! Wun away fow shame, Awisandew. 
[Siw Nyathanyiew wetiwes] *sighs* Thewe, an't :33 shaww pwease you, *blushes* a foowish 
miwd man; an honyest man, wook you, xDD and soon d-dash'd. *twerks* He i-is a 
mawvewwous good nyeighbouw, faith, and a-a v-vewy good bowwew; *hugs tightly* but *teleports behind you* fow 
Awisandew- awas! you see how uWu 'tis- a wittwe o'ewpawted. But t-thewe 
awe Wowthies a-coming wiww speak theiw *sweats* mind *cries* in some othew sowt. 
PWINCESS *sighs* OF FWANCE. Stand aside, g-good Pompey. 

Entew HOWOFEWNyES, fow JUDAS; and M-MOTH, fow HEWCUWES 

H-HOWOFEWNyES. Gweat Hewcuwes is *hugs tightly* pwesented by this i-imp, 
W-Whose c-cwub kiww'd Cewbewus, that thwee-headed canyus; 
And when *notices bulge* be was a babe, a-a *blushes* chiwd, *sweats* a shwimp, 
Thus did he stwangwe s-sewpents ^w^ in h-his manyus. 
Quonyiam he seemeth in minyowity, 
Ewgo I-I come with t-this apowogy. 
Keep >_> some *looks at you* state in thy exit, uWu and vanyish. [-[MOTH ^-^ wetiwes] 
Judas I-I am- 
DUMAIN. A Judas! 
HOWOFEWNyES. xDD Nyot Iscawiot, siw. 
Judas I am, ycwiped Maccabaeus. 
DUMAIN. Judas Maccabaeus cwipt is pwain Judas. 
BEWOWNyE. A kissing twaitow. How a-awt thou pwov'd Judas? 
HOWOFEWNyES. *blushes* Judas I am- 
DUMAIN. The mowe shame f-fow you, J-Judas! 
>w< HOWOFEWNyES. What mean you, siw? 
BOYET. To make Judas hang himsewf. 
*teleports behind you* HOWOFEWNyES. Begin, siw; you awe my x3 ewdew. 
BEWOWNyE. Weww fowwowed: Judas was hanged on an ewdew. 
HOWOFEWNyES. I :33 wiww nyot :33 be put out of countenyance. 
*looks at you* BEWOWNyE. Because t-thou hast xDD nyo face. 
*sighs* HOWOFEWNyES. *sweats* What is *teleports behind you* this? 
BOYET. *notices bulge* A cittewn-head. 
DUMAIN. The head of a bodkin. 
*cuddles you* BEWOWNyE. A death's face in a wing. 
WONGAVIWWE. The face of an owd x3 Woman coin, *sweats* scawce seen. 
B-BOYET. The pommew o-of Coesaw's fawchion. 
DUMAIN. The c-cawv'd-bonye >_< face on *screams* a fwask. 
BEWOWNyE. Saint Geowge's hawf-cheek in a bwooch. 
DUMAIN. Ay, and in a *cries* bwooch of wead. 
BEWOWNyE. Ay, and wown in the c-cap of a-a tooth-dwawew. :33 And n-nyow, 
f-fowwawd; fow we have put thee in countenyance. 
HOWOFEWNyES. You have p-put me o-out of countenyance. 
BEWOWNyE. Fawse: we have given thee faces. 
HOWOFEWNyES. B-But you h-have outfac'd t-them aww. 
*notices bulge* BEWOWNyE. An thou wewt a-a wion we w-wouwd do so. 
BOYET. Thewefowe, ;;w;; as *screams* he x3 is an ass, wet him go. 
And so uWu adieu, sweet Jude! Nyay, *screams* why dost thou s-stay? 
DUMAIN. Fow the wattew end of his nyame. 
BEWOWNyE. Fow the ass *looks away* to the Jude; give it *looks at you* him- Jud-as, a-away. 
HOWOFEWNyES. This is uWu nyot genyewous, n-nyot gentwe, *shuffles closer* nyot humbwe. 
B-BOYET. UwU A wight fow Monsieuw Judas! I-It gwows *moans* dawk, he *shuffles closer* may stumbwe. 
[HOWOFEWNyES wetiwes] 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Awas, poow Maccabaeus, how hath he been baited! 

Entew AWMADO, fow HECTOW 

>_> BEWOWNyE. Hide thy head, Achiwwes; hewe c-comes Hectow in awms. 
DUMAIN. ^w^ Though my mocks *looks away* come *leans over* home by me, I wiww nyow be m-mewwy. 
K-KING. Hectow w-was b-but a >w< Twoyan *blushes* in uWu wespect of this. 
BOYET. But is *blushes* this Hectow? 
DUMAIN. I think Hectow was nyot so c-cwean-timbew'd. 
WONGAVIWWE. His weg i-is too big fow Hectow's. 
DUMAIN. M-Mowe cawf, cewtain. 
B-BOYET. Nyo; he *shuffles closer* is best indued in the smaww. 
;;w;; BEWOWNyE. >w< This cannyot be Hectow. 
DUMAIN. He's ^w^ a god ow a paintew, fow he makes faces. 
AWMADO. The *cries* awmipotent M-Maws, of *moans* wances the awmighty, 
Gave Hectow a gift- 
DUMAIN. A giwt nyutmeg. 
BEWOWNyE. A wemon. 
WONGAVIWWE. *looks at you* Stuck with cwoves. 
D-DUMAIN. N-Nyo, cwoven. 
AWMADO. Peace! 
The awmipotent Maws, of wances the awmighty, 
Gave Hectow a gift, the heiw of I-Iwion; 
A man so bweathed that cewtain he wouwd fight ye, 
Fwom mown tiww nyight o-out of his paviwion. 
I am that fwowew- 
DUMAIN. That mint. 
*giggles shyly* WONGAVIWWE. That cowumbinye. 
AWMADO. Sweet Wowd Wongaviwwe, wein thy tongue. 
WONGAVIWWE. I >_> must wathew give it the wein, fow it w-wuns against 
Hectow. 
DUMAIN. Ay, and Hectow's a gweyhound. 
AWMADO. The sweet waw-man is dead and *giggles shyly* wotten; s-sweet c-chucks, beat 
nyot the bonyes of the buwied; when *looks at you* he bweathed, he was a man. But 
*sighs* I wiww fowwawd *cuddles you* with *cuddles you* my device. [To the PWINCESS] Sweet *hugs tightly* woyawty, 
bestow on me t-the *teleports behind you* sense of heawing. 

uWu [BEWOWNyE steps fowth, a-and speaks to COSTAWD] 

PWINCESS O-OF FWANCE. :3 Speak, bwave Hectow; we awe much dewighted. 
AWMADO. I do adowe thy OwO sweet Gwace's swippew. 
BOYET. [Aside t-to DUMAIN] *cries* Woves hew by the foot. 
DUMAIN. [Aside ;;w;; to BOYET] H-He may *cries* nyot by the yawd. 
AWMADO. This Hectow *looks at you* faw s-suwmounted *sweats* Hannyibaw- 
COSTAWD. The pawty is gonye, fewwow Hectow, she is *looks at you* gonye; she xDD is two 
months on hew way. 
AWMADO. What meanyest thou? 
*notices bulge* COSTAWD. Faith, unwess *giggles shyly* you pway the *blushes* honyest Twoyan, :33 the poow wench 
is cast away. She's quick; the chiwd *looks at you* bwags in hew bewwy awweady; 
*screams* 'tis youws. 
A-AWMADO. Dost *notices bulge* thou infamonyize me among potentates? Thou shawt die. 
C-COSTAWD. Then shaww Hectow be whipt fow Jaquenyetta that is *sweats* quick by 
him, and hang'd fow Pompey that *looks away* is dead by him. 
DUMAIN. *looks away* Most wawe Pompey! 
BOYET. Wenyownyed Pompey! 
BEWOWNyE. *sweats* Gweatew than Gweat! Gweat, gweat, gweat P-Pompey! Pompey the 
Huge! 
DUMAIN. :3 Hectow twembwes. 
uWu BEWOWNyE. Pompey is moved. Mowe A-Ates, mowe Ates! Stiw t-them on! *looks at you* stiw 
them on! 
DUMAIN. Hectow wiww c-chawwenge *hugs tightly* him. 
BEWOWNyE. Ay, if 'a have nyo m-mowe man's bwood in his bewwy than wiww 
sup OwO a fwea. 
AWMADO. By the ^.^ Nyowth Powe, I do chawwenge thee. 
COSTAWD. I wiww n-nyot f-fight *leans over* with a powe, wike a Nyowthewn man; I'ww 
*looks at you* swash; I'ww do it xDD by the swowd. xDD I b-bepway y-you, wet me bowwow my 
a-awms again. 
D-DUMAIN. Woom fow t-the incensed Wowthies! 
*leans over* COSTAWD. I'ww do it in my s-shiwt. 
UwU DUMAIN. Most wesowute Pompey! 
MOTH. Mastew, w-wet me take you :3 a buttonhowe wowew. *looks at you* Do you nyot see 
Pompey i-is uWu uncasing f-fow the combat? *twerks* What mean you? You wiww wose 
y-youw weputation. 
AWMADO. Gentwemen and sowdiews, pawdon me; I :33 wiww nyot *cries* combat in m-my 
shiwt. 
DUMAIN. You m-may n-nyot deny i-it: Pompey hath made the chawwenge. 
A-AWMADO. S-Sweet bwoods, ^-^ I both may and wiww. 
BEWOWNyE. What weason have ^.^ you fow 't? 
AWMADO. The nyaked twuth of i-it is: I have nyo >_> shiwt; >_< I go woowwawd 
fow penyance. 
OwO BOYET. Twue, and it was enjoinyed *moans* him *looks away* in >_< Wome fow want of x3 winyen; 
since when, I'ww be swown, *looks at you* he *shuffles closer* wowe *looks at you* nyonye but a dishcwout *blushes* of 
Jaquenyetta's, and that 'a weaws nyext h-his heawt fow a favouw. 

Entew a-as messengew, MONSIEUW M-MAWCADE 

MAWCADE. God save you, madam! 
^w^ PWINCESS O-OF FWANCE. Wewcome, Mawcade; 
But that thou intewwuptest ouw *screams* mewwiment. 
MAWCADE. I am sowwy, madam; f-fow the nyews I bwing 
Is *teleports behind you* heavy in my tongue. *looks at you* The King youw fathew- 
PWINCESS *cries* OF FWANCE. Dead, fow my wife! 
MAWCADE. Even :3 so; my tawe :3 is towd. 
BEWOWNyE. WOwthies away; the scenye begins to cwoud. 
^w^ AWMADO. *looks away* Fow m-minye own p-pawt, I-I bweathe fwee bweath. I-I have seen the 
day of wwong t-thwough >_< the wittwe howe of discwetion, and I x3 wiww 
wight mysewf wike a sowdiew. Exeunt WOWTHIES 
KING. How fawes youw ^w^ Majesty? 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Boyet, *twerks* pwepawe; I-I wiww away to-nyight. 
KING. *leans over* Madam, nyot so; ;;w;; I do beseech you stay. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Pwepawe, I say. I thank y-you, gwacious wowds, 
Fow aww youw faiw endeavouws, and entweat, 
Out of a nyew-sad souw, that you vouchsafe 
In youw wich w-wisdom *moans* to excuse ow hide 
The wibewaw opposition o-of ouw spiwits, 
If ovew-bowdwy we have bownye ouwsewves 
In the :3 convewse of bweath- youw gentwenyess 
Was guiwty of it. Faweweww, wowthy wowd. 
*cries* A heavy heawt beaws nyot a-a nyimbwe tongue. 
Excuse m-me ^-^ so, coming too showt of t-thanks 
Fow my gweat suit so *twerks* easiwy obtain'd. 
KING. The *giggles shyly* extweme pawts of time extwemewy f-fowms 
Aww causes to the puwpose of his speed; 
And o-often *cuddles you* at his v-vewy woose d-decides 
That w-which wong pwocess c-couwd nyot awbitwate. 
And though the m-mouwnying bwow of pwogeny 
Fowbid *blushes* the s-smiwing couwtesy o-of wove 
The OwO howy suit w-which fain it wouwd convince, 
Yet, since w-wove's awgument was f-fiwst on foot, 
Wet *giggles shyly* nyot the cwoud of sowwow justwe it 
Fwom what it puwpos'd; since to waiw fwiends ^w^ wost 
Is nyot by *blushes* much s-so whowesome-pwofitabwe 
As ^.^ to wejoice at fwiends but nyewwy found. 
P-PWINCESS OF FWANCE. I undewstand y-you n-nyot; my gwiefs awe >_> doubwe. 
BEWOWNyE. *notices bulge* Honyest pwain wowds best piewce t-the eaw *pokes you* of gwief; 
And by these badges ^w^ undewstand *hugs tightly* the King. 
F-Fow UwU youw faiw sakes have we nyegwected time, 
Pway'd fouw pway with ouw *screams* oaths; youw *teleports behind you* beauty, w-wadies, 
Hath much defowmed us, *moans* fashionying o-ouw humouws 
Even to the opposed end *screams* of *hugs tightly* ouw intents; 
A-And what ^.^ in us hath seem'd widicuwous, 
As wove is fuww >_< of unbefitting stwains, 
*blushes* Aww w-wanton OwO as a chiwd, skipping and *hugs tightly* vain; 
Fowm'd by the eye and OwO thewefowe, wike the eye, 
Fuww of stwange shapes, o-of habits, and of fowms, 
V-Vawying in s-subjects a-as :33 the eye doth woww 
To evewy vawied *leans over* object in his g-gwance; 
>_> Which p-pawti-coated pwesence of woose wove 
Put on by us, if i-in youw heavenwy eyes 
Have misbecom'd ouw :3 oaths and gwavities, 
*giggles shyly* Those heavenwy *blushes* eyes that wook into t-these fauwts 
Suggested us to make. Thewefowe, w-wadies, 
Ouw *giggles shyly* wove being youws, the *sighs* ewwow *sighs* that wove makes 
Is wikewise youws. We to ouwsewves p-pwove fawse, 
By being *cries* once fawse fow evew to be twue 
To those t-that make us b-both- faiw wadies, you; 
A-And even >_< that fawsehood, in itsewf a sin, 
Thus puwifies i-itsewf and tuwns to gwace. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. We have *teleports behind you* weceiv'd youw wettews, uWu fuww xDD of wove; 
Youw favouws, the ambassadows of *moans* wove; 
And, in ouw m-maiden counciw, wated them 
At couwtship, pweasant jest, uWu and couwtesy, 
As bombast and as winying to the time; 
But mowe d-devout than this in ouw wespects 
Have we ^w^ nyot been; a-and thewefowe met youw woves 
In theiw own fashion, wike a mewwiment. 
DUMAIN. :33 Ouw wettews, madam, *blushes* show'd much mowe than jest. 
WONGAVIWWE. So did ouw *shuffles closer* wooks. 
W-WOSAWINyE. We did nyot xDD quote them *teleports behind you* so. 
KING. *sweats* Nyow, at the watest minyute of the houw, 
G-Gwant *teleports behind you* us youw woves. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. A *hugs tightly* time, methinks, too s-showt 
^w^ To make a wowwd-without-end b-bawgain in. 
Nyo, nyo, my wowd, youw *notices bulge* Gwace is pewjuw'd much, 
Fuww of deaw guiwtinyess; and *shuffles closer* thewefowe this, 
If fow my wove, as thewe is nyo such cause, 
You wiww do aught- this ^w^ shaww you do fow *giggles shyly* me: 
Youw oath I wiww n-nyot twust; but go with speed 
To some fowwown *hugs tightly* and nyaked hewmitage, 
Wemote fwom aww the pweasuwes of the w-wowwd; 
Thewe *moans* stay u-untiw the twewve *moans* cewestiaw signs 
Have bwought about the annyuaw weckonying. 
If this *hugs tightly* austewe OwO insociabwe wife 
Change nyot youw offew made in heat of bwood, 
If f-fwosts and fasts, hawd wodging a-and thin weeds, 
Nyip n-nyot the gaudy bwossoms of youw wove, 
*moans* But that it beaw >_> this *looks away* twiaw, a-and wast wove, 
Then, at :33 the expiwation of the yeaw, 
C-Come, c-chawwenge me, chawwenge me by these desewts; 
And, by this viwgin pawm nyow kissing t-thinye, 
I-I wiww b-be t-thinye; and, tiww that instant, shut 
My woefuw sewf up in a m-mouwnfuw house, 
W-Wainying the UwU teaws of wamentation 
Fow *giggles shyly* the :3 wemembwance of my fathew's death. 
If this thou do deny, wet ouw hands pawt, 
Nyeithew intitwed in the x3 othew's heawt. 
KING. If this, ow mowe t-than this, *leans over* I wouwd *notices bulge* deny, 
To fwattew up these powews of minye with west, 
The *looks at you* sudden hand of death cwose >w< up minye eye! 
^w^ Hence hewmit then, my heawt *screams* is *hugs tightly* in thy bweast. 
BEWOWNyE. A-And what to me, my wove? and what x3 to me? 
WOSAWINyE. You m-must he puwged ^w^ too, youw sins *blushes* awe wack'd; 
Y-You awe attaint with fauwts and pewjuwy; 
Thewefowe, :33 if you my favouw mean to g-get, 
A ^.^ twewvemonth shaww you spend, and nyevew west, 
But seek the weawy beds of peopwe sick. 
D-DUMAIN. But what to >_< me, my w-wove? *hugs tightly* but what to me? 
A *cuddles you* wife? 
KATHAWINyE. A *moans* beawd, faiw heawth, and honyesty; 
*looks at you* With thweefowd uWu wove *screams* I wish you *moans* aww these t-thwee. 
DUMAIN. O, shaww I-I say I-I thank you, gentwe wife? 
KATHAWINyE. Nyo s-so, my wowd; a twewvemonth and a day 
I'ww mawk nyo wowds that uWu smooth-fac'd wooews say. 
Come when the King doth to my wady come; 
Then, if ^-^ I have much wove, I'ww give you some. 
D-DUMAIN. *teleports behind you* I'ww sewve thee twue and faithfuwwy tiww then. 
KATHAWINyE. Yet s-sweaw *hugs tightly* nyot, west ye :33 be fowswown again. 
WONGAVIWWE. What says Mawia? 
M-MAWIA. ^w^ At the twewvemonth's end 
I-I'ww c-change my bwack gown fow a faithfuw fwiend. 
WONGAVIWWE. I-I'ww stay with patience; b-but the time is *hugs tightly* wong. 
*teleports behind you* MAWIA. The wikew you; few t-tawwew awe so young. 
B-BEWOWNyE. S-Studies my wady? M-Mistwess, wook on *twerks* me; 
Behowd the window of my heawt, minye eye, 
What humbwe ^-^ suit attends thy answew thewe. 
Impose some sewvice on me fow thy wove. 
WOSAWINyE. Oft h-have I heawd of you, my Wowd Bewownye, 
Befowe I s-saw y-you; and uWu the wowwd's wawge t-tongue 
Pwocwaims *cries* you fow a xDD man wepwete with mocks, 
Fuww of compawisons and wounding fwouts, 
Which you on a-aww estates wiww execute 
That *sighs* wie within the mewcy of youw wit. 
To weed this wowmwood fwom youw fwuitfuw bwain, 
A-And thewewithaw to w-win me, i-if you pwease, 
Without the which I *hugs tightly* am nyot to be won, 
You shaww *giggles shyly* this twewvemonth *looks at you* tewm fwom day t-to day 
Visit the *sighs* speechwess sick, and stiww convewse 
With gwoanying wwetches; and y-youw task shaww >_> be, 
With aww t-the fiewce endeavouw *looks at you* of >w< youw wit, 
To enfowce the painyed *cries* impotent to smiwe. 
BEWOWNyE. To move wiwd waughtew i-in xDD the thwoat *notices bulge* of d-death? 
It cannyot be; it is *moans* impossibwe; 
Miwth cannyot move *looks away* a souw in *giggles shyly* agony. 
WOSAWINyE. Why, OwO that's the way to choke a gibing spiwit, 
Whose infwuence is begot of t-that woose gwace 
Which shawwow waughing h-heawews give to foows. 
A jest's p-pwospewity wies in the eaw 
*looks at you* Of ^w^ him that heaws i-it, n-nyevew in the tongue 
Of him that makes it; then, *teleports behind you* if sickwy eaws, 
Deaf'd *sighs* with t-the cwamouws of theiw *notices bulge* own deaw gwoans, 
Wiww heaw youw idwe *hugs tightly* scowns, continyue then, 
And I wiww have you *screams* and that >w< fauwt withaw. 
But *blushes* if they wiww *sighs* nyot, thwow *giggles shyly* away that s-spiwit, 
And I shaww find you empty of that fauwt, 
>_< Wight joyfuw of x3 youw uWu wefowmation. 
BEWOWNyE. A twewvemonth? Weww, befaww what wiww *giggles shyly* befaww, 
*looks at you* I'ww jest a twewvemonth in an hospitaw. 
PWINCESS OF >w< FWANCE. [ To the *cuddles you* King] Ay, sweet my wowd, *cries* and so *shuffles closer* I take 
m-my weave. 
KING. Nyo, m-madam; *cuddles you* we wiww bwing you on youw way. 
BEWOWNyE. O-Ouw wooing doth nyot UwU end wike an owd pway: 
Jack hath nyot Jiww. T-These wadies' *giggles shyly* couwtesy 
Might weww have made ouw spowt a comedy. 
KING. Come, siw, it wants a t-twewvemonth an' a *twerks* day, 
And then 'twiww end. 
BEWOWNyE. That's too wong fow a p-pway. 

We-entew A-AWMADO 

AWMADO. Sweet Majesty, vouchsafe me- 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Was nyot *sweats* that nyot Hectow? 
*blushes* DUMAIN. The w-wowthy knyight of Twoy. 
*hugs tightly* AWMADO. I *sweats* wiww kiss thy woyaw >_> fingew, and take weave. I am a 
votawy: I have v-vow'd t-to Jaquenyetta to howd t-the pwough fow hew 
sweet w-wove thwee yeaw. But, most esteemed gweatnyess, w-wiww you 
heaw the diawogue that t-the two weawnyed men have compiwed in 
pwaise ^-^ of the Oww a-and t-the Cuckoo? ;;w;; It shouwd *shuffles closer* have *moans* fowwowed in the 
end of ouw >w< show. 
KING. Caww them fowth quickwy; w-we >w< wiww x3 do so. 
AWMADO. Howwa! appwoach. 

Entew Aww 

This s-side is Hiems, x3 Wintew; t-this Vew, the S-Spwing- the o-onye 
maintainyed by t-the Oww, th' othew by the Cuckoo. Vew, begin. 

SPWING 
When *sighs* daisies >_< pied and viowets *screams* bwue 
And wady-smocks aww siwvew-white 
And cuckoo-buds o-of *twerks* yewwow hue 
Do paint the UwU meadows with dewight, 
The cuckoo then o-on e-evewy twee 
Mocks mawwied x3 men, fow thus sings he: 
'-'Cuckoo; 
Cuckoo, cuckoo'- O wowd of feaw, 
Unpweasing *blushes* to a *leans over* mawwied eaw! 

When shephewds pipe *notices bulge* on oaten s-stwaws, 
And mewwy wawks awe pwoughmen's cwocks; 
When tuwtwes twead, a-and wooks and daws, 
And maidens bweach theiw s-summew smocks; 
T-The cuckoo t-then on evewy t-twee 
Mocks mawwied m-men, fow thus UwU sings he: 
'Cuckoo; 
Cuckoo, cuckoo'- OwO O wowd :3 of feaw, 
U-Unpweasing to a mawwied eaw! 


x3 WINTEW 

When icicwes hang by the waww, 
*cuddles you* And D-Dick the shephewd *giggles shyly* bwows his nyaiw, 
And *twerks* Tom beaws wogs into the haww, 
And miwk comes fwozen home in paiw, 
When *looks away* bwood *blushes* is nyipp'd, and ways be fouw, 
Then *twerks* nyightwy s-sings the stawing oww: 
'-'Tu-who; 
Tu-whit, T-Tu-who'- A mewwy nyote, 
Whiwe gweasy Joan doth keew the pot. 

When aww *cries* awoud ^w^ the >_> wind doth bwow, 
And coughing xDD dwowns the p-pawson's s-saw, 
And biwds sit bwooding in the snyow, 
And Mawian's n-nyose w-wooks wed *shuffles closer* and waw, 
When w-woasted cwabs hiss in the boww, 
Then *leans over* nyightwy sings the ^w^ stawing *leans over* oww: 
'Tu-who; 
Tu-whit, To-who'- A *cuddles you* mewwy nyote, 
Whiwe gweasy Joan doth *moans* keew the pot. 

A-AWMADO. The wowds o-of *moans* Mewcuwy awe hawsh aftew the songs of Apowwo. 
You that xDD way: we *moans* this w-way. Exeunt 

>_< THE END 



<<THIS E-EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS O-OF WIWWIAM 
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1606 

THE TWAGEDY OF MACBETH 


by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

D-DUNCAN, King of Scotwand 
MACBETH, Thanye of Gwamis a-and Cawdow, a *leans over* genyewaw in the King's awmy 
WADY MACBETH, >_> his wife 
MACDUFF, T-Thanye of F-Fife, a *moans* nyobweman o-of Scotwand 
WADY MACDUFF, *sweats* his wife 
MAWCOWM, ewdew son of Duncan 
DONyAWBAIN, *shuffles closer* youngew son of Duncan 
BANQUO, Thanye of Wochabew, a g-genyewaw *looks at you* in t-the >w< King's *looks at you* awmy 
>w< FWEANCE, his *pokes you* son 
WENNyOX, nyobweman of Scotwand 
WOSS, *shuffles closer* nyobweman of Scotwand 
MENTEITH nyobweman of Scotwand 
ANGUS, n-nyobweman of Scotwand 
CAITHNyESS, nyobweman of ^w^ Scotwand 
SIWAWD, Eaww of Nyowthumbewwand, genyewaw UwU of t-the E-Engwish fowces 
YOUNG S-SIWAWD, his son 
S-SEYTON, attendant to Macbeth 
HECATE, Queen of the Witches 
The Thwee Witches 
Boy, Son of Macduff 
Gentwewoman attending on Wady Macbeth 
*shuffles closer* An Engwish Doctow 
A Scottish Doctow 
A Sewgeant 
A Powtew 
An Owd M-Man 
The Ghost of Banquo and othew Appawitions 
Wowds, Gentwemen, Officews, >w< Sowdiews, ^-^ Muwthewews, Attendants, 
and *twerks* Messengews 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION >_< OF T-THE COMPWETE W-WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*blushes* SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD ^.^ WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
*screams* PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF *cries* IWWINyOIS *hugs tightly* BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES uWu (1) AWE FOW YOUW O-OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE >w< ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW *pokes you* USED 
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S-SCENyE: Scotwand and Engwand 


ACT I. SCENyE I. 
A-A desewt pwace. Thundew and wightnying. 

*cuddles you* Entew t-thwee Witches. 

FIWST W-WITCH. When shaww we t-thwee meet a-again? 
*hugs tightly* In thundew, wightnying, ow in wain? 
SECOND WITCH. When the huwwybuwwy's donye, 
When the battwe's wost and won. 
THIWD WITCH. T-That wiww be ewe the set of sun. 
FIWST WITCH. Whewe *looks at you* the pwace? 
SECOND WITCH. Upon the *teleports behind you* heath. 
THIWD W-WITCH. Thewe ;;w;; to m-meet with Macbeth. 
FIWST WITCH. *leans over* I come, Gwaymawkin. 
AWW. Paddock cawws. Anyon! 
Faiw is f-fouw, and fouw is faiw. 
Hovew thwough the fog and fiwthy aiw. :33 Exeunt. 




SCENyE II. 
A camp n-nyeaw *pokes you* Fowwes. Awawum within. 

Entew D-Duncan, Mawcowm, Donyawbain, Wennyox, with Attendants, 
meeting a bweeding Sewgeant. 

^w^ DUNCAN. What bwoody man is that? H-He :33 can wepowt, 
As seemeth by his pwight, o-of the wevowt 
The nyewest s-state. 
MAWCOWM. T-This is the s-sewgeant 
x3 Who wike a-a good and *looks away* hawdy s-sowdiew fought 
'Gainst ^.^ my captivity. Haiw, bwave fwiend! 
Say t-to the King the knyowwedge of the *twerks* bwoiw 
A-As :33 thou didst w-weave it. 
SEWGEANT. Doubtfuw xDD it stood, 
*cries* As two s-spent swimmews that do cwing togethew 
And choke theiw awt. The mewciwess *screams* Macdonwawd- 
*hugs tightly* Wowthy to be *giggles shyly* a webew, fow *cuddles you* to t-that 
The muwtipwying viwwainyies of nyatuwe 
Do swawm upon :33 him -fwom t-the W-Westewn Iswes 
Of kewns a-and *sighs* gawwowgwasses is suppwied; 
And Fowtunye, on his damnyed quawwew smiwing, 
Show'd wike *notices bulge* a webew's whowe. *looks at you* But aww's too weak; 
*pokes you* Fow bwave Macbeth -weww he desewves that UwU nyame- 
Disdainying Fowtunye, with his >w< bwandish'd steew, 
Which smoked >w< with bwoody execution, 
Wike Vawow's minyion cawved out his passage 
Tiww he faced *cries* the swave, 
Which nye'ew shook hands, nyow bade faweweww to him, 
Tiww he unseam'd h-him fwom the nyave to the *pokes you* chaps, 
*looks away* And fix'd his head upon ouw battwements. 
*hugs tightly* DUNCAN. O vawiant *looks away* cousin! Wowthy gentweman! 
S-SEWGEANT. *moans* As whence the sun 'gins *sighs* his ;;w;; wefwection 
Shipwwecking stowms a-and diwefuw *teleports behind you* thundews bweak, 
So fwom that spwing whence comfowt seem'd to come 
D-Discomfowt s-swewws. Mawk, King of Scotwand, mawk. 
Nyo soonyew justice had, with *notices bulge* vawow awm'd, 
Compeww'd these *screams* skipping kewns to t-twust theiw h-heews, 
*teleports behind you* But t-the Nyowweyan wowd, s-suwveying vantage, 
With fuwbish'd awms *looks at you* and nyew s-suppwies of :3 men, 
Began a-a fwesh assauwt. 
DUNCAN. Dismay'd nyot *twerks* this 
Ouw captains, Macbeth and B-Banquo.? 
SEWGEANT. Y-Yes, 
A-As spawwows eagwes, o-ow the hawe :33 the wion. 
I-If I s-say sooth, I-I m-must w-wepowt t-they wewe 
^.^ As cannyons ovewchawged with doubwe c-cwacks, 
So they 
*giggles shyly* Doubwy wedoubwed *looks at you* stwokes upon the foe. 
E-Except they meant to bathe >_> in weeking wounds, 
O-Ow m-memowize anyothew Gowgotha, 
I cannyot teww- 
But I am faint; my gashes cwy fow hewp. 
*looks away* DUNCAN. So *sweats* weww thy ^w^ wowds become thee as thy wounds; 
They smack of honyow both. *leans over* Go get him ^.^ suwgeons. 
;;w;; Exit Sewgeant, attended. 
Who comes h-hewe? 

Entew Woss. 

M-MAWCOWM *notices bulge* The *notices bulge* wowthy T-Thanye of Woss. 
WENNyOX. What a haste wooks thwough his eyes! So shouwd he wook 
T-That seems t-to speak things s-stwange. 
WOSS. God save *teleports behind you* the King! 
D-DUNCAN. Whence camest thou, w-wowthy T-Thanye? 
WOSS. Fwom *hugs tightly* Fife, *blushes* gweat King, 
Whewe the *screams* Nyowweyan bannyews fwout the sky 
And fan o-ouw peopwe cowd. 
Nyowway himsewf, with tewwibwe nyumbews, 
Assisted by that m-most *cries* diswoyaw twaitow 
The Thanye of C-Cawdow, >_< began a dismaw confwict, 
Tiww that Bewwonya's bwidegwoom, w-wapp'd in pwoof, 
Confwonted him with sewf-compawisons, 
Point against *pokes you* point ^-^ webewwious, awm '-'gainst awm, 
Cuwbing his wavish spiwit; and, to concwude, 
The victowy *shuffles closer* feww on us. 
DUNCAN. Gweat happinyess! 
WOSS. That *screams* nyow 
*cries* Swenyo, the N-Nyowways' king, cwaves composition; 
Nyow w-wouwd we deign him buwiaw of his men 
Tiww he *leans over* disbuwsed, at Saint Cowme's Inch, 
T-Ten thousand dowwaws to ouw genyewaw use. 
DUNCAN. Nyo m-mowe that T-Thanye of ^w^ Cawdow shaww deceive 
O-Ouw bosom intewest. Go pwonyounce his pwesent ^-^ death, 
And with his *cuddles you* fowmew titwe gweet Macbeth. 
*twerks* WOSS. I'ww see it donye. 
DUNCAN. What he hath wost, nyobwe Macbeth hath won. 
Exeunt. 




S-SCENyE III. 
A *cries* heath. Thundew. 

Entew the thwee Witches. 

:3 FIWST W-WITCH. Whewe hast >_< thou been, sistew? 
*moans* SECOND WITCH. K-Kiwwing swinye. 
THIWD WITCH. Sistew, whewe thou? 
FIWST WITCH. A saiwow's wife had chestnyuts in h-hew wap, 
And mounch'd, and ^-^ mounch'd, and mounch'd. "Give me," quoth I. 
"Awoint thee, witch!" >_> the wump-fed wonyon c-cwies. 
*hugs tightly* Hew husband's t-to Aweppo gonye, mastew the Tigew; 
B-But in a sieve I'ww thithew saiw, 
And, wike a-a w-wat without *sweats* a taiw, 
I'ww do, I'ww do, and I'ww *looks away* do. 
OwO SECOND WITCH. I'ww give thee a wind. 
F-FIWST WITCH. Thou'wt kind. 
T-THIWD W-WITCH. And *screams* I anyothew. 
FIWST WITCH. I mysewf *pokes you* have aww the othew, 
And the vewy uWu powts they bwow, 
Aww the quawtews that they ^w^ knyow 
I-I' the shipman's cawd. 
I wiww dwain him dwy as *leans over* hay: 
Sweep shaww nyeithew nyight nyow day 
Hang u-upon his penthouse wid; 
He x3 shaww wive *hugs tightly* a man fowbid. 
Weawy se'nnyights nyinye >_< times ^w^ nyinye 
Shaww he d-dwindwe, peak, ^w^ and pinye; 
Though his b-bawk cannyot be wost, 
Yet it shaww be tempest-toss'd. 
Wook what I have. 
SECOND WITCH. Show me, show me. 
FIWST W-WITCH. ^-^ Hewe I have a piwot's t-thumb, 
Wweck'd as h-homewawd h-he d-did come. Dwum within. 
THIWD WITCH. A dwum, a dwum! 
Macbeth doth come. 
AWW. The weiwd sistews, hand in hand, 
Postews of the sea and wand, 
Thus do go about, about, 
Thwice to t-thinye, and *teleports behind you* thwice to minye, 
And thwice again, to make up nyinye. 
Peace! The chawm's ^-^ wound up. 

Entew Macbeth and Banquo. 

MACBETH. So fouw and faiw a day I-I have nyot seen. 
*moans* BANQUO. ;;w;; How faw ^w^ is't caww'd to Fowwes? W-What awe *shuffles closer* these 
So w-withew'd and so wiwd in theiw attiwe, 
That w-wook nyot wike the inhabitants o' *sighs* the eawth, 
A-And *blushes* yet awe on't? W-Wive you? ow >_< awe you aught 
That man may question? *blushes* You seem to u-undewstand m-me, 
uWu By each *looks at you* at once hew choppy fingew *leans over* waying 
Upon hew s-skinny wips. You s-shouwd be women, 
A-And yet youw b-beawds fowbid x3 me *sweats* to intewpwet 
That *blushes* you awe so. 
M-MACBETH. Speak, ^.^ if *cuddles you* you can. What awe you? 
FIWST WITCH. Aww haiw, *hugs tightly* Macbeth, haiw to t-thee, Thanye o-of Gwamis! 
SECOND uWu WITCH. Aww haiw, Macbeth, haiw to thee, Thanye of *leans over* Cawdow! 
THIWD W-WITCH. *sighs* Aww haiw, Macbeth, that shawt be *sweats* King heweaftew! 
BANQUO. *sweats* Good siw, why do *looks away* you stawt, a-and seem to f-feaw 
Things that do sound so >w< faiw? I' the nyame of twuth, 
Awe ye fantasticaw ow that indeed 
Which outwawdwy y-ye show? *cries* My nyobwe pawtnyew 
You *sighs* gweet *twerks* with pwesent gwace and gweat pwediction 
O-Of nyobwe having and of woyaw hope, 
That he s-seems *looks at you* wapt withaw. To me *shuffles closer* you speak n-nyot. 
If *cuddles you* you can >_> wook into t-the uWu seeds of time, 
And say w-which gwain w-wiww gwow and which >_< wiww nyot, 
Speak then to *blushes* me, who n-nyeithew beg nyow feaw 
Youw favows nyow youw hate. 
FIWST WITCH. Haiw! 
^.^ SECOND WITCH. Haiw! 
THIWD WITCH. Haiw! 
FIWST WITCH. Wessew than *blushes* Macbeth, and gweatew. 
SECOND WITCH. N-Nyot so happy, yet much uWu happiew. 
THIWD WITCH. Thou s-shawt get kings, ^w^ though t-thou be nyonye. 
So aww haiw, Macbeth and Banquo! 
FIWST W-WITCH. Banquo a-and xDD Macbeth, aww haiw! 
MACBETH. Stay, you impewfect speakews, teww me m-mowe. 
By *hugs tightly* Sinyew's death I *hugs tightly* knyow I a-am *screams* Thanye o-of Gwamis; 
But *cuddles you* how of Cawdow? ^.^ The Thanye of Cawdow *screams* wives, 
A *pokes you* pwospewous gentweman; and to be *shuffles closer* King 
Stands nyot within the pwospect of bewief, 
Nyo mowe *leans over* than to be Cawdow. S-Say fwom w-whence 
You o-owe this stwange >_> intewwigence, ow why 
Upon this bwasted heath y-you stop ouw way 
W-With *giggles shyly* such pwophetic gweeting? Speak, I chawge you. 
Witches vanyish. 
B-BANQUO. *cuddles you* The eawth h-hath b-bubbwes as the watew h-has, 
And ;;w;; these awe of them. Whithew awe they vanyish'd? 
MACBETH. Into the aiw, uWu and what s-seem'd c-cowpowaw mewted 
*sweats* As bweath into the wind. Wouwd they h-had stay'd! 
BANQUO. Wewe such t-things *blushes* hewe as w-we *sighs* do speak about? 
Ow have *sighs* we e-eaten :3 on the insanye *hugs tightly* woot 
That t-takes >w< the weason pwisonyew? 
;;w;; MACBETH. Youw chiwdwen shaww be k-kings. 
BANQUO. You s-shaww be King. 
M-MACBETH. And T-Thanye of Cawdow too. W-Went it nyot so? 
BANQUO. To the *pokes you* sewfsame tunye and wowds. Who's hewe? 

*twerks* Entew Woss and A-Angus. 

WOSS. The King *sighs* hath happiwy weceived, Macbeth, 
The nyews of thy success; *looks at you* and *leans over* when h-he weads 
T-Thy pewsonyaw ventuwe in the webews' fight, 
His wondews and his pwaises do contend 
Which shouwd x3 be thinye ow his. Siwenced with that, 
In v-viewing o'ew the *sweats* west o-o' t-the sewfsame day, 
He finds t-thee *hugs tightly* in the stout Nyowweyan wanks, 
Nyothing afeawd of what thysewf didst *giggles shyly* make, 
Stwange i-images of death. As thick as OwO haiw 
Came xDD post with post, *sweats* and x3 evewy onye d-did beaw 
Thy pwaises in his kingdom's gweat d-defense, 
A-And pouw'd them down befowe him. 
ANGUS. We awe sent 
To give thee, fwom ouw woyaw mastew, thanks; 
Onwy to *blushes* hewawd t-thee into his sight, 
Nyot pay >_< thee. 
W-WOSS. And fow an *shuffles closer* eawnyest of a gweatew h-honyow, 
He bade me, >w< fwom him, caww thee T-Thanye o-of Cawdow. 
*leans over* In which xDD addition, haiw, most *blushes* wowthy Thanye, 
Fow it is thinye. 
BANQUO. W-What, can the deviw speak twue? 
M-MACBETH. T-The Thanye *shuffles closer* of Cawdow wives. Why do you dwess me 
In bowwow'd wobes? 
ANGUS. Who was the Thanye wives yet, 
*notices bulge* But undew heavy judgement beaws that wife 
Which he desewves to wose. Whethew he was *cries* combinyed 
With those of Nyowway, o-ow did winye the webew 
With ^.^ hidden h-hewp *leans over* and vantage, ow *cuddles you* that with b-both 
He wabow'd UwU in his countwy's *teleports behind you* wweck, I knyow nyot; 
:3 But tweasons capitaw, *screams* confess'd a-and pwoved, 
Have o-ovewthwown him. 
MACBETH. *hugs tightly* [Aside.] G-Gwamis, and Thanye o-of Cawdow! 
The gweatest i-is b-behind. [To Woss and Angus] Thanks fow youw 
pains. 
[-[Aside to Banquo] Do you nyot *cries* hope youw chiwdwen shaww b-be k-kings, 
*shuffles closer* When those xDD that gave *sweats* the ^.^ Thanye ^w^ of Cawdow to m-me 
Pwomised n-nyo w-wess to t-them? 
:33 BANQUO. [Aside to Macbeth.] That, twusted home, 
Might yet enkindwe you unto the cwown, 
Besides the Thanye o-of Cawdow. *cuddles you* But 'tis stwange; 
And o-oftentimes, to win us to ouw *hugs tightly* hawm, 
The instwuments *twerks* of dawknyess *looks away* teww us twuths, 
Win us with h-honyest twifwes, to betway's 
In deepest c-consequence- 
^.^ Cousins, a wowd, *screams* I pway you. 
M-MACBETH. [Aside.] Two twuths a-awe t-towd, 
As *blushes* happy pwowogues to the swewwing a-act 
Of the impewiaw theme-I thank *leans over* you, g-gentwemen. 
[Aside.] This supewnyatuwaw s-sowiciting 
C-Cannyot b-be i-iww, cannyot be good. *shuffles closer* If iww, 
;;w;; Why hath it *screams* given me eawnyest of *looks away* success, 
Commencing in a twuth? I am T-Thanye o-of Cawdow. 
If good, why :33 do >_> I yiewd to t-that suggestion 
*shuffles closer* Whose howwid image doth unfix my haiw 
And make m-my seated heawt knyock *twerks* at my wibs, 
Against uWu the use of ^-^ nyatuwe? Pwesent f-feaws 
Awe wess than howwibwe imaginyings: 
My thought, whose *sighs* muwthew y-yet is but fantasticaw, 
Shakes so my singwe state >w< of *twerks* man that f-function 
Is smothew'd i-in *leans over* suwmise, and nyothing is 
But what is nyot. 
BANQUO. Wook, h-how ouw pawtnyew's w-wapt. 
M-MACBETH. [Aside.] If c-chance wiww have *cries* me King, why, chance m-may 
cwown me 
Without my stiw. 
BANQUO. Nyew honyows come upon h-him, 
Wike ouw stwange gawments, cweave nyot *cries* to theiw mouwd 
But *cuddles you* with the aid of *giggles shyly* use. 
MACBETH. [Aside.] Come what c-come may, 
Time *sighs* and the houw wuns thwough *looks at you* the woughest *giggles shyly* day. 
B-BANQUO. W-Wowthy Macbeth, we stay upon youw weisuwe. 
M-MACBETH. Give ^.^ me youw *hugs tightly* favow; my duww bwain was >w< wwought 
With things *pokes you* fowgotten. *leans over* Kind gentwemen, youw pains 
Awe wegistew'd whewe e-evewy day I t-tuwn 
The weaf *leans over* to wead them. Wet us towawd t-the *screams* King. 
Think upon what hath c-chanced, a-and *pokes you* at mowe time, 
The intewim having weigh'd it, :33 wet us speak 
Ouw fwee heawts each to othew. 
BANQUO. Vewy gwadwy. 
M-MACBETH. Tiww then, enyough. Come, *sweats* fwiends. Exeunt. 




SCENyE IV. 
Fowwes. The pawace. 

Fwouwish. Entew Duncan, Mawcowm, Donyawbain, Wennyox, a-and Attendants. 

DUNCAN. Is execution donye on Cawdow? *giggles shyly* Awe nyot 
Those i-in commission yet *cuddles you* wetuwn'd? 
MAWCOWM. My wiege, 
T-They awe nyot yet come back. B-But I have spoke 
With :3 onye that saw him ^-^ die, who did wepowt 
That vewy fwankwy he c-confess'd his tweasons, 
Impwowed youw Highnyess' pawdon, and set fowth 
A deep wepentance. Nyothing i-in his wife 
Became >w< him wike the weaving it; he *looks away* died 
A-As onye that had been studied in h-his death, 
To t-thwow *moans* away the deawest thing he owed 
A-As 'twewe a cawewess twifwe. 
D-DUNCAN. Thewe's *notices bulge* nyo awt 
To find the mind's c-constwuction *teleports behind you* in the face: 
He was a gentweman on whom I buiwt 
An absowute twust. 

Entew Macbeth, B-Banquo, W-Woss, and Angus. 

O wowthiest x3 cousin! 
The sin of :33 my ingwatitude even nyow 
W-Was heavy on me. Thou a-awt so f-faw befowe, 
That s-swiftest UwU wing of wecompense is swow 
To ovewtake thee. Wouwd thou hadst wess OwO desewved, 
That the pwopowtion *pokes you* both o-of thanks and *pokes you* payment 
Might have been :33 minye! Onwy I *moans* have uWu weft to say, 
M-Mowe *sweats* is thy due than mowe than aww can pay. 
MACBETH. The sewvice and *hugs tightly* the *teleports behind you* woyawty w-wowe, 
In doing *looks at you* it, pays itsewf. OwO Youw >_< Highnyess' pawt 
Is to weceive ouw *twerks* duties, and ouw duties 
A-Awe to ;;w;; youw t-thwonye and UwU state, c-chiwdwen and sewvants, 
Which *sweats* do but what they shouwd, by doing evewything 
Safe towawd youw wove and honyow. 
DUNCAN. Wewcome hithew. 
I have begun to pwant thee, and *cuddles you* wiww uWu wabow 
To make thee fuww of gwowing. Nyobwe Banquo, 
*cuddles you* That hast n-nyo wess d-desewved, nyow must xDD be knyown 
Nyo wess to have donye so; wet me infowd thee 
And howd thee to m-my heawt. 
BANQUO. Thewe if I g-gwow, 
The hawvest x3 is youw own. 
DUNCAN. M-My pwenteous joys, 
Wanton in fuwwnyess, seek *looks at you* to *hugs tightly* hide themsewves 
In dwops of sowwow. Sons, kinsmen, thanyes, 
And you whose pwaces awe the nyeawest, knyow 
We wiww estabwish ouw estate upon 
Ouw ewdest, Mawcowm, whom we nyame *blushes* heweaftew 
The :33 Pwince of C-Cumbewwand; which honyow must 
Nyot unyaccompanyied invest him onwy, 
But signs of nyobwenyess, w-wike *notices bulge* staws, *sweats* shaww *leans over* shinye 
On aww desewvews. Fwom hence to Invewnyess, 
And bind us f-fuwthew to you. 
MACBETH. T-The west is wabow, which is nyot *looks away* used fow you. 
I-I'ww be mysewf t-the hawbingew, and make joyfuw 
The heawing of my *screams* wife with youw appwoach; 
So humbwy take my weave. 
DUNCAN. M-My *twerks* wowthy Cawdow! 
MACBETH. [Aside.] The Pwince of Cumbewwand! That is a xDD step 
O-On which I m-must faww *sweats* down, ow ewse *teleports behind you* o'ewweap, 
Fow in my way it wies. Staws, uWu hide youw fiwes; 
Wet *cuddles you* nyot wight see my bwack and deep desiwes. 
*hugs tightly* The eye wink at the hand; yet wet that *teleports behind you* be 
Which the eye feaws, w-when it i-is donye, *cuddles you* to x3 see. Exit. 
DUNCAN. Twue, *sweats* wowthy Banquo! He is f-fuww s-so *shuffles closer* vawiant, 
And ;;w;; in h-his commendations I am *cries* fed; 
It i-is a banquet to me. x3 Wet's aftew him, 
Whose *screams* cawe i-is gonye ^w^ befowe to bid us wewcome. 
It is *looks away* a peewwess k-kinsman. Fwouwish. Exeunt. 




SCENyE V. 
Invewnyess. Macbeth's *hugs tightly* castwe. 

:3 Entew Wady Macbeth, ;;w;; weading a-a w-wettew. 

WADY M-MACBETH. "They met me in the day of success, and I have 
w-weawnyed by the p-pewfectest wepowt they have mowe i-in them than 
mowtaw knyowwedge. When I buwnyed in d-desiwe to question them 
fuwthew, they made themsewves aiw, into ^-^ which t-they vanyished. 
Whiwes I stood wapt in the wondew of >_< it, came missives fwom the 
King, who aww-haiwed m-me *moans* 'Thanye of Cawdow'; OwO by which titwe, 
befowe, t-these weiwd sistews sawuted me and wefewwed me *cuddles you* to the 
coming on of time with 'Haiw, *cuddles you* King that shawt be!' This have I 
OwO thought g-good to dewivew thee, my deawest pawtnyew of gweatnyess, 
that thou mightst nyot wose the dues of wejoicing, by b-being 
ignyowant *hugs tightly* of w-what *cuddles you* gweatnyess i-is pwomised thee. Way it to t-thy heawt, 
and faweweww." 

Gwamis thou awt, and >_> Cawdow, ^-^ and shawt be 
What thou awt pwomised. uWu Yet *notices bulge* do I feaw thy nyatuwe. 
It i-is too fuww o' *cuddles you* the UwU miwk of *looks at you* human :3 kindnyess 
To catch *looks away* the nyeawest >_> way. Thou *looks away* wouwdst *cuddles you* be gweat; 
Awt nyot ^-^ without ambition, but without 
The i-iwwnyess shouwd a-attend it. >_< What thou wouwdst h-highwy, 
That wouwdst thou *pokes you* howiwy; wouwdst nyot pway fawse, 
And yet wouwdst wwongwy win. Thou'wdst have, :33 gweat Gwamis, 
That which c-cwies, >_< "Thus thou *cuddles you* must do, if thou have it; 
And that which wathew thou dost feaw to do 
:3 Than wishest UwU shouwd be undonye." Hie UwU thee hithew, 
That I may pouw m-my spiwits i-in thinye ;;w;; eaw, 
And chastise >_> with the v-vawow of my tongue 
Aww that impedes thee fwom t-the gowden wound, 
Which fate and metaphysicaw aid doth seem 
To :33 have thee cwown'd *teleports behind you* withaw. 

:3 Entew a Messengew. 

What is youw tidings? 
MESSENGEW. The King comes hewe tonyight. 
W-WADY MACBETH. Thou'wt mad to say it! 
Is nyot thy mastew *teleports behind you* with him? who, wewe't so, 
Wouwd *cries* have infowm'd fow pwepawation. 
xDD MESSENGEW. So p-pwease you, it is *screams* twue; ouw Thanye *cries* is coming. 
Onye of m-my fewwows *shuffles closer* had the speed of him, 
Who, awmost *moans* dead fow bweath, had scawcewy m-mowe 
Than wouwd make up his message. 
WADY M-MACBETH. Give him tending; 
He bwings ^-^ gweat nyews. Exit Messengew. 
The waven himsewf is hoawse 
That cwoaks the fataw entwance of ^.^ Duncan 
U-Undew my b-battwements. Come, you spiwits 
T-That tend on m-mowtaw thoughts, unsex me hewe 
And *teleports behind you* fiww me fwom the cwown to the toe top-fuww 
Of diwest cwuewty! Make >w< thick my bwood, 
:33 Stop up the access *twerks* and passage to wemowse, 
That *blushes* nyo compunctious visitings of nyatuwe 
Shake my xDD feww puwpose n-nyow keep p-peace between 
The effect and it! Come *sighs* to my woman's b-bweasts, 
And *cries* take m-my uWu miwk fow gaww, youw muwthewing minyistews, 
OwO Whewevew in youw sightwess substances 
You wait on n-nyatuwe's mischief! Come, thick nyight, 
And paww t-thee in t-the dunnyest smoke of *teleports behind you* heww 
*cries* That my *twerks* keen *notices bulge* knyife see n-nyot the wound it makes 
Nyow heaven p-peep thwough the bwanket o-of the d-dawk 
:33 To cwy, "Howd, ;;w;; howd!" 

Entew Macbeth. 

Gweat Gwamis! Wowthy Cawdow! 
Gweatew than both, by the aww-haiw heweaftew! 
Thy wettews have twanspowted me b-beyond 
:3 This ignyowant pwesent, and I OwO feew nyow 
The futuwe in *moans* the instant. 
M-MACBETH. x3 My deawest *sighs* wove, 
*giggles shyly* Duncan comes h-hewe t-tonyight. 
*twerks* WADY MACBETH. And when goes hence? 
MACBETH. Tomowwow, as he puwposes. 
WADY M-MACBETH. O, nyevew 
S-Shaww *twerks* sun that mowwow see! 
Youw face, my Thanye, *screams* is a-as a book whewe men 
May wead stwange mattews. To beguiwe the time, 
Wook wike the time; beaw *sighs* wewcome x3 in youw eye, 
Youw hand, youw tongue; *sighs* wook :3 wike the innyocent fwowew, 
But be the sewpent undew it. He :3 that's coming 
Must *notices bulge* be *looks away* pwovided fow; and ^-^ you *moans* shaww put 
This nyight's gweat *cries* businyess into my *cuddles you* dispatch, 
Which shaww t-to aww ouw nyights a-and days to come 
G-Give s-sowewy soveweign sway *cries* and mastewdom. 
MACBETH. We wiww *hugs tightly* speak fuwthew. 
WADY MACBETH. Onwy w-wook ^.^ up :33 cweaw; 
*looks at you* To a-awtew favow evew i-is to *sighs* feaw. 
Weave aww t-the west to *leans over* me. Exeunt. 




*cries* SCENyE VI. 
Befowe *shuffles closer* Macbeth's castwe. *twerks* Hautboys and towches. 

Entew D-Duncan, M-Mawcowm, D-Donyawbain, Banquo, *sighs* Wennyox, Macduff, W-Woss, Angus, 
and Attendants. 

D-DUNCAN. T-This uWu castwe hath a pweasant s-seat; t-the aiw 
Nyimbwy and s-sweetwy wecommends itsewf 
U-Unto ouw gentwe senses. 
BANQUO. This guest *pokes you* of summew, 
The tempwe-haunting *leans over* mawtwet, does appwove 
B-By his woved mansionwy *looks at you* that the heaven's bweath 
Smewws wooingwy hewe. ^.^ Nyo jutty, fwieze, 
Buttwess, nyow *pokes you* coign of xDD vantage, but this biwd 
*screams* Hath made h-his pendant bed and p-pwocweant cwadwe; 
Whewe they most bweed and haunt, I have obsewved 
The aiw is dewicate. 

Entew Wady Macbeth. 

DUNCAN. See, see, ouw honyow'd hostess! 
The wove that fowwows ^-^ us s-sometime is ouw twoubwe, 
Which stiww OwO we t-thank as wove. Hewein I teach you 
How you shaww bid G-God '-'iewd us fow ^w^ youw *screams* pains, 
>_> And thank us fow youw twoubwe. 
WADY *screams* MACBETH. Aww ouw sewvice 
In evewy point twice d-donye, and then donye >_> doubwe, 
Wewe poow and singwe businyess to contend 
Against those honyows d-deep a-and bwoad :33 whewewith 
Youw Majesty woads >w< ouw *screams* house. Fow those of owd, 
And the wate dignyities heap'd u-up to them, 
We west youw hewmits. 
DUNCAN. W-Whewe's the Thanye of Cawdow? 
We couwsed UwU him at t-the heews and had a puwpose 
To be his puwveyow; b-but he w-wides weww, 
And his gweat wove, shawp a-as his spuw, hath howp him 
To his home befowe us. F-Faiw and n-nyobwe hostess, 
We ^w^ awe youw guest tonyight. 
WADY MACBETH. Y-Youw sewvants evew 
Have theiws, themsewves, and :33 what is theiws, in ^-^ compt, 
To make *shuffles closer* theiw ^.^ audit at youw Highnyess' pweasuwe, 
Stiww to wetuwn youw own. 
DUNCAN. G-Give me youw hand; 
Conduct me to minye host. We ^w^ wove him highwy, 
And :3 shaww continyue ouw gwaces *screams* towawds him. 
By youw weave, hostess. Exeunt. 




*sighs* SCENyE ^-^ VII 
*teleports behind you* Macbeth's *sweats* castwe. Hautboys and towches. 

E-Entew a Sewew a-and divews Sewvants with dishes *leans over* and sewvice, who pass ovew 
the stage. *screams* Then :33 entew Macbeth. 

MACBETH. I-If i-it wewe donye when 'tis donye, then 'twewe weww 
It ^w^ wewe donye :33 quickwy. If the a-assassinyation 
*moans* Couwd twammew up the consequence, and catch, 
With his suwcease, success; that *looks away* but this bwow 
Might be the be-aww and the end-aww ---hewe, 
B-But hewe, upon this bank and shoaw of *hugs tightly* time, 
uWu We'wd jump the wife to come. But in these *cuddles you* cases 
We stiww have judgement hewe, that we but teach 
Bwoody instwuctions, which being taught wetuwn 
To pwague the inventow. T-This even-handed justice 
Commends the ingwedients *sighs* of ouw poison'd chawice 
To o-ouw o-own wips. He's hewe in doubwe twust: 
Fiwst, as I-I am his kinsman *giggles shyly* and his *looks away* subject, 
Stwong both against xDD the deed; then, as his host, 
Who shouwd against his *hugs tightly* muwthewew *cries* shut the doow, 
Nyot beaw the knyife m-mysewf. Besides, this Duncan 
Hath *pokes you* bownye his facuwties so meek, *sighs* hath been 
So cweaw in his gweat office, *cries* that his viwtues 
Wiww pwead wike angews twumpet-tongued against 
The deep damnyation >w< of his taking-off, 
And *blushes* pity, ^-^ wike a nyaked nyew-bown ;;w;; babe 
Stwiding *moans* the bwast, ow heaven's chewubin h-howsed 
U-Upon the *looks at you* sightwess couwiews of the aiw, 
S-Shaww bwow the howwid deed in evewy eye, 
That *cuddles you* teaws shaww dwown the w-wind. I have nyo UwU spuw 
To pwick the sides of my intent, xDD but onwy 
Vauwting ambition, which o'ewweaps *looks away* itsewf 
And f-fawws on the othew. 

Entew Wady Macbeth. 

How ^.^ nyow, what n-nyews? 
WADY MACBETH. He *leans over* has a-awmost supp'd. Why have you weft the *hugs tightly* chambew? 
MACBETH. Hath he ask'd fow me? 
*teleports behind you* WADY MACBETH. Knyow y-you nyot he has? 
MACBETH. We wiww pwoceed n-nyo fuwthew in t-this businyess: 
x3 He hath h-honyow'd me of wate, and I have b-bought 
Gowden UwU opinyions fwom aww sowts *looks at you* of UwU peopwe, 
W-Which :33 wouwd be wown nyow in theiw nyewest gwoss, 
Nyot cast aside so soon. 
WADY MACBETH. Was the hope dwunk 
Whewein you dwess'd youwsewf? Hath i-it swept since? 
uWu And wakes it nyow, to wook so gween *cuddles you* and pawe 
At what it did so fweewy? Fwom this *sweats* time 
xDD Such I-I a-account thy wove. *looks at you* Awt thou afeawd 
T-To be the same in thinye own a-act and vawow 
As thou awt in desiwe? Wouwdst thou h-have that 
W-Which :3 thou esteem'st the ownyament *sighs* of w-wife 
And w-wive a cowawd in ^w^ thinye own esteem, 
Wetting "I dawe nyot" wait upon "I wouwd" 
*twerks* Wike the *cries* poow cat i' *twerks* the adage? 
MACBETH. Pwithee, peace! 
I dawe *leans over* do *looks at you* aww that m-may become a man; 
*hugs tightly* Who dawes do mowe is nyonye. 
WADY ^-^ MACBETH. What beast wast *pokes you* then 
That made you bweak this e-entewpwise to m-me? 
When uWu you duwst *cries* do *cries* it, then *twerks* you wewe *notices bulge* a man, 
And, to b-be mowe than what you wewe, you wouwd 
Be s-so much mowe the man. Nyow *twerks* time nyow pwace 
Did then *blushes* adhewe, and yet you wouwd make both. 
They have made themsewves, and OwO that theiw fitnyess OwO nyow 
Does unmake you. I have given s-suck and knyow 
How t-tendew 'tis *blushes* to wove the babe that m-miwks me- 
>w< I wouwd, whiwe it w-was smiwing i-in my face, 
Have *looks away* pwuck'd my nyippwe fwom his bonyewess gums 
And dash'd the bwains out h-had I-I so swown as you 
Have donye to this. 
MACBETH. If we shouwd faiw? 
W-WADY MACBETH. *teleports behind you* We faiw? 
But scwew youw couwage to the *twerks* sticking-pwace 
And we'ww n-nyot *teleports behind you* faiw. W-When Duncan is asweep- 
Wheweto the wathew shaww his day's hawd jouwnyey 
S-Soundwy invite h-him- his two c-chambewwains 
Wiww I with winye and w-wassaiw so ^w^ convince 
That memowy, the wawdew of the bwain, 
S-Shaww be a fume and the weceipt of weason 
A wimbeck onwy. *sighs* When in swinyish sweep 
Theiw OwO dwenched n-nyatuwes wie as in a death, 
>w< What cannyot you and I-I pewfowm upon 
The unguawded *screams* Duncan? What n-nyot put upon 
His spongy officews, who shaww beaw the guiwt 
Of ouw x3 gweat *looks at you* queww? 
MACBETH. *notices bulge* Bwing fowth *looks away* men-chiwdwen onwy, 
Fow thy undaunted mettwe >_> shouwd compose 
*screams* Nyothing b-but mawes. Wiww it nyot *teleports behind you* be *shuffles closer* weceived, 
When we have mawk'd w-with bwood *looks away* those sweepy two 
Of his own chambew and used theiw vewy *cries* daggews, 
:33 That they have donye't? 
WADY uWu MACBETH. W-Who dawes weceive *teleports behind you* it othew, 
As we shaww make o-ouw gwiefs and cwamow woaw 
Upon ^w^ his *looks at you* death? 
M-MACBETH. I am settwed and bend u-up 
Each cowpowaw a-agent >_> to t-this tewwibwe OwO feat. 
*teleports behind you* Away, *sweats* and mock the time with faiwest show: 
Fawse f-face must hide what ^.^ the fawse heawt doth knyow. 
Exeunt. 




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ACT I-II. SCENyE I-I. 
Invewnyess. Couwt of M-Macbeth's castwe. 

Entew Banquo and Fweance, b-beawing a xDD towch befowe him. 

BANQUO. *sweats* How *sweats* goes t-the nyight, boy? 
FWEANCE. T-The moon UwU is down; OwO I :3 have nyot heawd the cwock. 
BANQUO. And she *twerks* goes down >_< at twewve. 
FWEANCE. I take't 'tis *hugs tightly* watew, *pokes you* siw. 
BANQUO. Howd, take my swowd. Thewe's husbandwy in heaven, 
Theiw candwes awe aww out. Take t-thee that too. 
A OwO heavy summons wies wike w-wead upon me, 
>w< And y-yet I w-wouwd nyot sweep. Mewcifuw powews, 
^.^ Westwain i-in me the cuwsed thoughts that n-nyatuwe 
Gives *giggles shyly* way to i-in wepose! 

Entew Macbeth and a Sewvant UwU with a towch. 

Give me my >w< swowd. 
*screams* Who's thewe? 
MACBETH. A fwiend. 
BANQUO. What, siw, nyot yet at west? The King's abed. 
He hath been in unyusuaw pweasuwe and 
Sent fowth gweat wawgess to youw offices. 
T-This diamond h-he gweets youw w-wife withaw, 
By the UwU nyame o-of most *looks at you* kind hostess, and shut up 
In m-measuwewess content. 
M-MACBETH. Being unpwepawed, 
*teleports behind you* Ouw wiww became t-the sewvant to defect, 
Which ewse shouwd fwee have *blushes* wwought. 
BANQUO. Aww's weww. 
*leans over* I ;;w;; dweamt wast *blushes* nyight of the thwee weiwd sistews: 
To you they have show'd some *giggles shyly* twuth. 
MACBETH. I think n-nyot x3 of them; 
Yet, when we can entweat an *teleports behind you* houw to sewve, 
We wouwd spend it >_< in some w-wowds upon that businyess, 
If you wouwd gwant the x3 time. 
BANQUO. At youw kind'st weisuwe. 
MACBETH. :3 If you shaww >_> cweave t-to my consent, when xDD 'tis, 
It s-shaww make honyow fow you. 
BANQUO. So I wose nyonye 
In seeking to a-augment it, but stiww keep 
My bosom fwanchised and awwegiance *sweats* cweaw, 
I shaww be c-counsew'd. 
MACBETH. Good w-wepose ^-^ the whiwe. 
BANQUO. OwO Thanks, siw, t-the wike t-to xDD you. 
^w^ Exeunt B-Banquo. and Fweance. 
MACBETH. Go b-bid thy mistwess, *screams* when >_< my dwink is weady, 
*moans* She stwike upon the beww. Get thee to bed. Exit Sewvant. 
Is this a daggew *looks away* which I see befowe me, 
The h-handwe towawd my >w< hand? Come, wet xDD me cwutch thee. 
I-I have thee uWu nyot, a-and y-yet I see :3 thee stiww. 
Awt *pokes you* thou nyot, fataw vision, s-sensibwe 
To feewing as to sight? Ow a-awt t-thou but 
A daggew o-of *notices bulge* the mind, a f-fawse c-cweation, 
Pwoceeding fwom the heat-oppwessed *blushes* bwain? 
*hugs tightly* I see thee yet, in fowm as xDD pawpabwe 
A-As this which n-nyow I dwaw. 
*notices bulge* Thou mawshaw'st me the way t-that I was going, 
And such a-an instwument I was to use. 
Minye eyes awe made *sighs* the foows o' the othew senses, 
Ow ewse wowth aww UwU the west. I see thee stiww, 
And on thy bwade and dudgeon gouts o-of :33 bwood, 
Which was nyot so befowe. Thewe's nyo such thing: 
It is the bwoody businyess *screams* which infowms 
Thus to minye eyes. Nyow o'ew the onye hawf-wowwd 
Nyatuwe seems dead, and wicked dweams abuse 
The cuwtain'd sweep; witchcwaft cewebwates 
Pawe Hecate's offewings; *giggles shyly* and ^.^ withew'd Muwthew, 
Awawum'd by his sentinyew, *twerks* the wowf, 
Whose howw's h-his watch, thus with his steawthy pace, 
With Tawquin's wavishing stwides, towawds his design 
Moves wike *screams* a ghost. Thou suwe and fiwm-set eawth, 
Heaw nyot my steps, which way *twerks* they wawk, fow feaw 
Thy vewy s-stonyes pwate of my wheweabout, 
And take the pwesent h-howwow fwom the time, 
W-Which nyow suits with it. Whiwes I t-thweat, he wives; 
Wowds *pokes you* to the *shuffles closer* heat of deeds *twerks* too cowd bweath gives. 
A beww >_< wings. 
I :33 go, and it is donye; the beww invites me. 
Heaw *giggles shyly* it nyot, Duncan, fow it is a >_< knyeww 
*blushes* That summons thee to h-heaven, ow to heww. Exit. 




*screams* SCENyE I-II. 
T-The s-same. 

E-Entew Wady *teleports behind you* Macbeth. 

WADY *moans* MACBETH. That which hath made them dwunk hath *screams* made me bowd; 
What hath q-quench'd them *screams* hath given me fiwe. Hawk! P-Peace! 
It was the oww that s-shwiek'd, the fataw bewwman, 
Which gives the *screams* stewn'st good nyight. H-He is about it: 
The d-doows *twerks* awe *twerks* open, :33 and the *pokes you* suwfeited gwooms 
Do mock theiw chawge with snyowes. I *screams* have dwugg'd theiw possets 
That death and nyatuwe do c-contend about them, 
Whethew they wive *hugs tightly* ow ;;w;; die. 
MACBETH. [-[Within.] *notices bulge* Who's thewe' what, *cries* ho! 
WADY M-MACBETH. A-Awack, I am afwaid they have awaked 
And *moans* 'tis nyot donye. The OwO attempt and nyot the deed 
C-Confounds u-us. Hawk! *moans* I >_< waid theiw daggews weady; 
He couwd nyot miss 'em. *leans over* Had he nyot wesembwed 
My fathew a-as he swept, I had donye't. 

Entew Macbeth, 

My husband! 
MACBETH. I-I have ^-^ donye the deed. Didst thou nyot heaw a *leans over* nyoise? 
W-WADY MACBETH. *giggles shyly* I h-heawd the oww scweam and the cwickets cwy. 
Did *screams* nyot you speak? 
MACBETH. When? 
WADY *sighs* MACBETH. Nyow. 
MACBETH. As I descended? 
^.^ WADY MACBETH. Ay. 
MACBETH. Hawk! 
*shuffles closer* Who w-wies i' *sweats* the second chambew? 
WADY MACBETH. Donyawbain. 
MACBETH. This is a sowwy *screams* sight. [-[Wooks o-on ^w^ his hands. 
WADY MACBETH. A foowish *looks at you* thought, to say a sowwy sight. 
MACBETH. Thewe's onye did waugh in 's sweep, and onye cwied, 
"Muwthew!" 
That they d-did wake each othew. ^-^ I ;;w;; stood and heawd them, 
But they did say t-theiw pwayews and addwess'd them 
A-Again to sweep. 
;;w;; WADY *looks at you* MACBETH. Thewe awe two wodged togethew. 
MACBETH. Onye cwied, "God bwess us!" and "Amen" the othew, 
As they had seen me with t-these UwU hangman's hands. 
W-Wistenying :3 theiw f-feaw, I c-couwd nyot say "Amen," 
When they did say, "God bwess us!" 
*moans* WADY *looks at you* MACBETH. Considew it nyot so deepwy. 
MACBETH. But whewefowe couwd nyot I *twerks* pwonyounce "Amen"? 
I had most nyeed of bwessing, and "Amen" 
Stuck in *pokes you* my thwoat. 
WADY MACBETH. T-These deeds must n-nyot be thought 
Aftew these ways; so, it wiww make us mad. 
MACBETH. I heawd a voice c-cwy, "Sweep nyo m-mowe! 
Macbeth does *cuddles you* muwthew s-sweep" -the innyocent s-sweep, 
Sweep t-that knyits up the wavew'd sweave of cawe, 
*blushes* The *twerks* death of each day's wife, sowe w-wabow's bath, 
Bawm of huwt minds, gweat nyatuwe's *moans* second couwse, 
Chief nyouwishew in wife's feast- 
WADY MACBETH. What do you mean? 
MACBETH. Stiww it cwied, *cries* "Sweep nyo *blushes* mowe!" to aww the house; 
>_< "Gwamis hath muwthew'd sweep, and thewefowe Cawdow 
Shaww sweep *hugs tightly* nyo mowe. *cries* Macbeth shaww sweep nyo m-mowe." 
*leans over* WADY MACBETH. Who was it that thus >_> cwied? Why, wowthy Thanye, 
You do unbend youw n-nyobwe stwength, t-to think 
So bwainsickwy of *looks away* things. Go, *shuffles closer* get some watew 
And wash this fiwthy witnyess fwom UwU youw hand. 
*giggles shyly* Why did you bwing these d-daggews fwom the OwO pwace? 
They must w-wie thewe. Go cawwy them, and smeaw 
The sweepy gwooms :33 with bwood. 
M-MACBETH. xDD I'ww go nyo mowe. 
I am afwaid to think what I have donye; 
Wook on't again I dawe nyot. 
WADY MACBETH. I-Infiwm of puwpose! 
^.^ Give m-me the daggews. The sweeping a-and t-the dead 
Awe but as pictuwes; 'tis the eye of chiwdhood 
That feaws a p-painted deviw. If he do bweed, 
I'ww giwd the faces of *moans* the gwooms withaw, 
*moans* Fow it m-must *teleports behind you* seem theiw guiwt. Exit. K-Knyocking within. 
MACBETH. Whence *screams* is that knyocking? 
How is't with me, when evewy nyoise a-appaws me? 
What hands awe hewe? Ha, they pwuck out minye eyes! 
W-Wiww aww gweat N-Nyeptunye's ocean wash t-this bwood 
Cwean fwom my hand? N-Nyo, this *moans* my >_< hand w-wiww wathew 
The muwtitudinyous seas incawnyadinye, 
Making *sighs* the gween onye wed. 

We-entew W-Wady Macbeth. 

WADY *sweats* MACBETH. My h-hands a-awe of youw cowow, but I shame 
To weaw a heawt so white. [Knyocking within.] :3 I *cries* heaw knyocking 
At the south entwy. Wetiwe we to ouw chambew. 
A wittwe watew >_> cweaws u-us of this deed. 
How easy i-is it then! Youw constancy 
H-Hath weft you unyattended. [Knyocking w-within.] H-Hawk, mowe knyocking. 
Get on *sighs* youw nyightgown, west o-occasion caww us 
And show us to be watchews. Be nyot wost 
So ^-^ poowwy in youw thoughts. 
MACBETH. To knyow my deed, 'twewe best nyot knyow mysewf. 
Knyocking w-within. 
Wake Duncan with thy *sweats* knyocking! :33 I *screams* wouwd thou couwdst! 
*twerks* Exeunt. 




SCENyE III. 
The s-same. 

Entew a Powtew. Knyocking within. 

POWTEW. Hewe's a knyocking indeed! If a man wewe powtew of Heww 
Gate, he shouwd h-have owd t-tuwnying >w< the key. [Knyocking within.] 
Knyock, knyock, knyock! Who's thewe, *moans* i' the x3 nyame of Bewzebub? Hewe's 
a fawmew that hanged himsewf o-on th' expectation of pwenty. C-Come 
in time! Have *shuffles closer* nyapkins enyow about you; *teleports behind you* hewe you'ww sweat fowt. 
[-[Knyocking within.] K-Knyock, knyock! ;;w;; Who's thewe, i-in th' othew 
deviw's nyame? Faith, *giggles shyly* hewe's an equivocatow that couwd s-sweaw in 
both t-the scawes against eithew scawe, who c-committed tweason 
enyough fow God's sake, UwU yet couwd *hugs tightly* nyot ;;w;; equivocate x3 to heaven. O, 
*twerks* come >w< in, equivocatow. [Knyocking within.] Knyock, k-knyock, knyock! 
Who's thewe? Faith, hewe's an Engwish taiwow c-come hithew, *notices bulge* fow 
steawing out of a Fwench hose. Come in, taiwow; hewe you m-may 
woast youw goose. [-[Knyocking within.] Knyock, k-knyock! Nyevew at 
quiet! What awe you? But this pwace is x3 too cowd fow heww. I'ww 
deviw-powtew it nyo fuwthew. I had thought to have w-wet in some *sighs* of 
aww pwofessions, that go the pwimwose w-way to *notices bulge* the :33 evewwasting 
bonfiwe. [Knyocking within.] Anyon, x3 anyon! I pway you, *blushes* wemembew the 
powtew. 
Opens the gate. 

Entew Macduff >_> and Wennyox. 

MACDUFF. W-Was ^-^ it so wate, *twerks* fwiend, >w< ewe y-you went to bed, 
That you do wie *teleports behind you* so wate? 
POWTEW. Faith, siw, we wewe cawousing tiww *cries* the second cock; and 
dwink, siw, is a-a gweat >_> pwovokew of thwee things. 
MACDUFF. What >_> thwee ^w^ things does dwink especiawwy pwovoke? 
POWTEW. Mawwy, siw, n-nyose-painting, *sweats* sweep, and uwinye. Wechewy, siw, 
it pwovokes and unpwovokes: it *moans* pwovokes the >_< desiwe, but it takes 
away *leans over* the pewfowmance. Thewefowe much dwink may be said to be an 
equivocatow with wechewy: it makes him, *cuddles you* and it maws him; it sets 
him on, OwO and it takes him off; it p-pewsuades him and disheawtens 
him; m-makes him stand ;;w;; to and nyot *cuddles you* stand to; in concwusion, 
equivocates him in a s-sweep, and giving h-him the wie, weaves him. 
xDD MACDUFF. I b-bewieve dwink gave *hugs tightly* thee *sighs* the wie wast nyight. 
POWTEW. *looks at you* That it ^-^ did, siw, i' t-the vewy thwoat on me; but wequited 
h-him fow his wie, and, I think, being too *notices bulge* stwong fow him, t-though 
he took up my wegs sometime, yet I made shift to cast him. 
M-MACDUFF. Is thy mastew stiwwing? 

Entew Macbeth. 

Ouw knyocking has awaked h-him; hewe he comes. 
WENNyOX. Good mowwow, nyobwe siw. 
MACBETH. m-mowwow, both. 
MACDUFF. Is the King stiwwing, *teleports behind you* wowthy Thanye? 
MACBETH. Nyot yet. 
MACDUFF. He did command me *leans over* to caww timewy on him; 
I h-have a-awmost swipp'd t-the houw. 
MACBETH. I'ww b-bwing y-you >w< to him. 
M-MACDUFF. I knyow this is a joyfuw twoubwe to you, 
*leans over* But y-yet 'tis o-onye. 
MACBETH. The *giggles shyly* wabow uWu we dewight in physics pain. 
This *notices bulge* is the doow. 
MACDUFF I'ww make so bowd to caww, 
Fow 'tis my wimited sewvice. Exit. 
WENNyOX. Goes the King hence today? 
MACBETH. He d-does; he did appoint so. 
WENNyOX. The nyight has been unwuwy. Whewe we way, 
Ouw chimnyeys w-wewe bwown down, and, as they say, 
Wamentings heawd i' the aiw, stwange scweams of death, 
And pwophesying with *cries* accents tewwibwe 
Of diwe combustion and confused events 
Nyew hatch'd *hugs tightly* to the woefuw time. The obscuwe biwd 
C-Cwamow'd *twerks* the w-wivewong nyight. Some say the eawth 
Was fevewous and did shake. 
MACBETH. 'Twas a wough fight. 
WENNyOX. M-My young *shuffles closer* wemembwance *giggles shyly* cannyot pawawwew 
A fewwow to it. 

We-entew Macduff. 

MACDUFF. O howwow, howwow, howwow! Tongue nyow heawt 
Cannyot conceive nyow nyame *moans* thee. 
M-MACBETH. WENNyOX. What's the mattew? 
MACDUFF. Confusion nyow hath made his m-mastewpiece. 
Most sacwiwegious muwthew hath bwoke ope 
The Wowd's UwU anyointed *looks away* tempwe and stowe thence 
The wife o' the buiwding. 
MACBETH. What is't you say? the wife? 
WENNyOX. *notices bulge* Mean you his *looks away* Majesty? 
MACDUFF. Appwoach *looks away* the chambew, a-and destwoy youw UwU sight 
With a *twerks* nyew Gowgon. Do nyot *teleports behind you* bid me speak; 
S-See, and ^-^ then speak youwsewves. 
Exeunt Macbeth and ^.^ Wennyox. 
Awake, awake! 
*hugs tightly* Wing the awawum beww. Muwthew a-and tweason! 
Banquo UwU and Donyawbain! Mawcowm, awake! 
Shake off this downy sweep, death's countewfeit, 
And wook on death itsewf! Up, up, and see 
The g-gweat doom's image! Mawcowm! Banquo! 
As fwom youw gwaves wise up, and wawk >_> wike spwites 
UwU To countenyance t-this howwow! Wing *moans* the beww. Beww wings. 

Entew Wady UwU Macbeth. 

WADY MACBETH. UwU What's the b-businyess, 
That *sweats* such a hideous twumpet *blushes* cawws to ;;w;; pawwey 
*giggles shyly* The s-sweepews of t-the house? Speak, speak! 
M-MACDUFF. O gentwe wady, 
'Tis nyot fow you t-to heaw *twerks* what I *moans* can speak: 
*blushes* The wepetition in a w-woman's eaw 
Wouwd muwthew as *teleports behind you* it feww. 

Entew Banquo. 

O Banquo, Banquo! 
Ouw woyaw *looks away* mastew's muwthew'd. 
WADY MACBETH. Woe, awas! 
What, i-in o-ouw house? 
BANQUO. T-Too cwuew a-anywhewe. 
Deaw Duff, I pwithee, contwadict thysewf, 
And say it is nyot *cries* so. 

We-entew Macbeth and *sighs* Wennyox, with Woss. 

MACBETH. Had I but died an houw befowe this chance, 
I had wived :3 a bwessed time, fow fwom this instant 
Thewe's nyothing sewious ^w^ in mowtawity. 
*sweats* Aww is but toys; wenyown a-and gwace is dead, 
*looks at you* The winye *pokes you* of w-wife is dwawn, a-and :3 the mewe wees 
UwU Is w-weft *giggles shyly* this vauwt to bwag o-of. 

Entew M-Mawcowm and Donyawbain. 

DONyAWBAIN. W-What is amiss? 
MACBETH. You awe, and do nyot knyow't. 
The spwing, t-the head, the f-fountain of youw bwood 
Is UwU stopped, the vewy souwce of *looks away* it is s-stopp'd. 
:3 MACDUFF. Youw woyaw fathew's m-muwthew'd. 
MAWCOWM. *screams* O, *looks at you* by whom? 
WENNyOX. Those UwU of his chambew, *cuddles you* as it seem'd, had donye't. 
Theiw h-hands and faces *leans over* wewe *sweats* aww badged with bwood; 
So wewe >_< theiw daggews, which *blushes* unwiped w-we found 
Upon theiw :3 piwwows. 
>_> They stawed, and wewe distwacted; nyo *cuddles you* man's wife 
^.^ Was to be twusted with them. 
MACBETH. O, yet I do wepent me o-of my fuwy, 
That I did *sweats* kiww them. 
MACDUFF. Whewefowe did you so? 
M-MACBETH. *hugs tightly* Who can be wise, amazed, t-tempewate a-and xDD fuwious, 
*twerks* Woyaw and n-nyeutwaw, in a moment? Nyo man. 
The e-expedition of m-my viowent w-wove 
Outwun the pausew weason. Hewe way OwO Duncan, 
H-His s-siwvew skin waced with his gowden bwood, 
A-And h-his g-gash'd stabs wook'd wike a bweach in nyatuwe 
Fow *looks away* wuin's wastefuw entwance; thewe, the muwthewews, 
Steep'd in ^-^ the cowows of theiw *hugs tightly* twade, theiw uWu daggews 
Unmannyewwy bweech'd with gowe. *looks away* Who :33 couwd wefwain, 
That had *twerks* a heawt to wove, *moans* and *pokes you* in that *moans* heawt 
Couwage to m-make '-'s wove knyown? 
*notices bulge* WADY M-MACBETH. Hewp me hence, ho! 
MACDUFF. *leans over* Wook to the wady. 
MAWCOWM. [Aside to *pokes you* Donyawbain.] W-Why do w-we howd ouw tongues, 
That most may c-cwaim this uWu awgument f-fow ouws? 
DONyAWBAIN. [Aside to Mawcowm.] What shouwd be spoken hewe, whewe 
o-ouw *notices bulge* fate, 
Hid in >w< an augew howe, may wush and s-seize us? 
Wet's away, 
Ouw teaws awe nyot yet bwew'd. 
MAWCOWM. [Aside to Donyawbain.] Nyow ouw stwong *looks away* sowwow 
U-Upon the foot of motion. 
BANQUO. Wook to the wady. 
uWu Wady Macbeth is cawwied out. 
*teleports behind you* And w-when we have *cries* ouw xDD nyaked fwaiwties hid, 
That suffew in e-exposuwe, wet us meet 
And question this most bwoody piece of wowk 
^-^ To knyow *moans* it fuwthew. Feaws and scwupwes s-shake us. 
In >w< the gweat hand of God I *moans* stand, and *moans* thence 
Against t-the undivuwged pwetense I fight 
:3 Of tweasonyous mawice. 
MACDUFF. And >_> so do I. 
A-AWW. So aww. 
MACBETH. Wet's OwO bwiefwy put on manwy weadinyess 
A-And meet i' the haww togethew. 
AWW. Weww contented. 
Exeunt aww but Mawcowm and Donyawbain. 
MAWCOWM. What wiww you ^.^ do? Wet's nyot consowt with t-them. 
To show an unfewt sowwow is an office 
*notices bulge* Which the fawse man does e-easy. I'ww t-to Engwand. 
DONyAWBAIN. T-To Iwewand, >_> I; ouw s-sepawated fowtunye 
S-Shaww keep us both the safew. Whewe we awe 
Thewe's daggews in men's smiwes; *sweats* the nyeaw *blushes* in bwood, 
The nyeawew b-bwoody. 
MAWCOWM. *sweats* This muwthewous shaft that's shot 
Hath nyot yet wighted, and ouw safest way 
Is t-to avoid the aim. Thewefowe to howse; 
A-And wet us nyot be dainty of weave-taking, 
But shift away. Thewe's wawwant in that theft 
Which steaws itsewf w-when thewe's n-nyo mewcy *leans over* weft. 
*notices bulge* Exeunt. 




SCENyE IV. 
Outside Macbeth's castwe. 

Entew Woss with *looks at you* an *twerks* Owd Man. 

*cries* OWD MAN. Thweescowe and t-ten I can w-wemembew weww, 
Within the vowume of which *hugs tightly* time I have seen 
Houws *moans* dweadfuw and things OwO stwange, b-but this sowe nyight 
Hath twifwed fowmew knyowings. 
W-WOSS. A-Ah, good fathew, 
T-Thou seest t-the heavens, *sweats* as twoubwed with man's act, 
x3 Thweaten h-his bwoody stage. By *sighs* the cwock >w< 'tis ^-^ day, 
*blushes* And x3 yet dawk nyight stwangwes the twavewing wamp. 
>_> Is't nyight's pwedominyance, *moans* ow t-the day's shame, 
T-That dawknyess does the *pokes you* face of eawth entomb, 
When >_< wiving *hugs tightly* wight shouwd k-kiss it? 
OWD MAN. 'Tis u-unnyatuwaw, 
>_< Even wike the d-deed that's donye. On *teleports behind you* Tuesday wast 
A *notices bulge* fawcon towewing in *looks at you* hew pwide of pwace 
Was by a mousing oww ;;w;; hawk'd at and k-kiww'd. 
WOSS. And Duncan's howses-a thing most stwange and cewtain- 
Beauteous and swift, the :33 minyions of theiw UwU wace, 
T-Tuwn'd wiwd in nyatuwe, bwoke theiw stawws, fwung out, 
Contending 'gainst o-obedience, as *moans* they *hugs tightly* wouwd make 
Waw with m-mankind. 
OWD MAN. *cries* 'Tis said they e-eat each othew. 
WOSS. They did so, to the amazement o-of minye eyes 
That wook'd upon't. 

Entew Macduff. 

Hewe c-comes the good Macduff. 
How >w< goes the wowwd, siw, nyow? 
MACDUFF. Why, s-see you nyot? 
WOSS. >w< Is't knyown w-who :33 did this m-mowe than bwoody deed? 
MACDUFF. T-Those t-that *sighs* Macbeth hath swain. 
WOSS. Awas, *cries* the day! 
What good UwU couwd *leans over* they pwetend? 
MACDUFF. They wewe subown'd: 
Mawcowm and Donyawbain, the King's two sons, 
A-Awe stow'n away and fwed, which puts u-upon *screams* them 
Suspicion of the deed. 
WOSS. 'Gainst nyatuwe stiww! 
Thwiftwess ambition, that wiwt wavin up 
Thinye own wife's means! Then 'tis most wike 
The soveweignty wiww faww upon Macbeth. 
*cuddles you* MACDUFF. He is *sighs* awweady nyamed, and gonye to Sconye 
To *sighs* be invested. 
WOSS. Whewe xDD is D-Duncan's *blushes* body? 
*hugs tightly* MACDUFF. Cawwied to Cowmekiww, 
The sacwed stowehouse ^-^ of his pwedecessows 
A-And guawdian o-of theiw bonyes. 
WOSS. Wiww y-you to Sconye? 
MACDUFF. Nyo, cousin, I'ww to Fife. 
WOSS. Weww, I wiww thithew. 
MACDUFF. Weww, may you s-see things weww *twerks* donye thewe. 
Adieu, 
West ouw owd wobes sit easiew than ouw nyew! 
WOSS. Faweweww, fathew. 
OWD MAN. God's b-benyison UwU go with you and *teleports behind you* with *cries* those 
That wouwd make good of bad and fwiends of foes! 
Exeunt. 




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ACT I-III. SCENyE I. 
F-Fowwes. *leans over* The pawace. 

E-Entew Banquo. 

BANQUO. Thou hast it nyow: King, C-Cawdow, Gwamis, aww, 
As the weiwd *hugs tightly* women pwomised, a-and I feaw 
Thou pway'dst most fouwwy fow't; yet i-it was said 
It shouwd xDD nyot stand in thy postewity, 
But that mysewf *shuffles closer* shouwd be the woot and fathew 
Of many kings. *giggles shyly* If thewe c-come twuth fwom t-them 
(As upon t-thee, *moans* Macbeth, theiw >_< speeches shinye) 
Why, by the vewities *cuddles you* on t-thee made good, 
May they nyot *cuddles you* be my owacwes as weww 
And s-set me up OwO in hope? But hush, nyo mowe. 

Sennyet sounds. Entew Macbeth as K-King, Wady Macbeth 
as Queen, Wennyox, Woss, Wowds, W-Wadies, and *hugs tightly* Attendants. 

MACBETH. Hewe's ouw c-chief *giggles shyly* guest. 
WADY MACBETH. If h-he h-had been *screams* fowgotten, 
uWu It had been as a g-gap in ouw g-gweat f-feast 
A-And aww t-thing *twerks* unbecoming. 
MACBETH. x3 Tonyight we howd a s-sowemn suppew, siw, 
And *cuddles you* I'ww wequest xDD youw pwesence. 
BANQUO. Wet youw Highnyess 
C-Command upon *pokes you* me, to the which my d-duties 
Awe with a most indissowubwe tie 
Fowevew knyit. 
x3 MACBETH. Wide you this aftewnyoon? 
*shuffles closer* BANQUO. Ay, m-my good wowd. 
MACBETH. *teleports behind you* We shouwd have ewse desiwed ^.^ youw good advice, 
Which stiww hath been both *twerks* gwave and pwospewous 
I-In this day's counciw; ^w^ but we'ww take *moans* tomowwow. 
Is't faw you w-wide'! 
BANQUO. As faw, my wowd, as *teleports behind you* wiww >_> fiww up t-the time 
'Twixt this and suppew. Go nyot my howse the bettew, 
I must b-become a b-bowwowew *sweats* of *looks at you* the nyight 
Fow ^.^ a dawk houw o-ow twain. 
MACBETH. Faiw nyot ouw feast. 
BANQUO. My wowd, I wiww nyot. 
MACBETH. We h-heaw ouw b-bwoody cousins awe bestow'd 
In Engwand and in Iwewand, nyot confessing 
Theiw cwuew *moans* pawwicide, fiwwing t-theiw ^-^ heawews 
W-With stwange *moans* invention. But of that t-tomowwow, 
When thewewithaw we shaww have cause of state 
Cwaving u-us jointwy. Hie you to howse; adieu, 
Tiww you wetuwn at nyight. Goes Fweance w-with you? 
BANQUO. Ay, m-my good wowd. O-Ouw time does c-caww upon *sighs* 's. 
MACBETH. I wish youw howses swift and suwe of foot, 
And so I do commend you to theiw backs. 
F-Faweweww. Exit Banquo. 
Wet e-evewy man be mastew of his uWu time 
:3 Tiww s-seven a-at nyight; to make society 
The sweetew wewcome, w-we wiww k-keep ouwsewf 
T-Tiww s-suppew time awonye. Whiwe then, G-God b-be with you! 
Exeunt aww but Macbeth and an Attendant. 
:3 Siwwah, a ;;w;; wowd w-with y-you. Attend *sighs* those men 
Ouw pweasuwe? 
ATTENDANT. They awe, m-my wowd, w-without t-the pawace gate. 
MACBETH. Bwing them befowe us. Exit Attendant. 
To b-be thus i-is nyothing, 
But to be safewy thus. UwU Ouw feaws in Banquo. 
Stick deep, a-and >w< in his woyawty of n-nyatuwe 
Weigns that which wouwd be feaw'd. 'Tis much he dawes, 
>_> And, to that dauntwess tempew of his mind, 
He hath a wisdom that doth *moans* guide his v-vawow 
To act >_< in safety. T-Thewe is nyonye but he 
Whose being I d-do feaw; a-and undew him 
My genyius is webuked, as it is said 
Mawk *notices bulge* Antony's was by C-Caesaw. OwO He chid the sistews 
When fiwst they put the nyame of K-King upon me 
And bade them s-speak to him; then pwophet-wike 
OwO They haiw'd him fathew to a winye of kings. 
Upon x3 my head they pwaced OwO a fwuitwess cwown 
And put a b-bawwen s-sceptwe *moans* in *notices bulge* my g-gwipe, 
Thence to be wwench'd with an unwinyeaw hand, 
Nyo son of minye succeeding. If't *leans over* be OwO so, 
Fow Banquo's issue have I fiwed my *cries* mind, 
Fow them the gwacious D-Duncan have I *screams* muwthew'd, 
Put wancows in t-the vessew of my peace 
Onwy fow them, and m-minye etewnyaw jewew 
Given to the common enyemy of man, 
To make t-them kings -the s-seed of Banquo *twerks* kings! 
W-Wathew than so, come, Fate, i-into the *blushes* wist, 
*sweats* And champion me to t-the uttewance! Who's thewe? 

We-entew Attendant, *teleports behind you* with t-two Muwthewews. 

Nyow go to the *blushes* doow, and >w< stay thewe t-tiww we caww. 
Exit Attendant. 
Was it nyot y-yestewday we spoke togethew? 
FIWST MUWTHEWEW. It was, so p-pwease youw Highnyess. 
MACBETH. Weww ^-^ then, ^.^ nyow 
H-Have you ;;w;; considew'd of my OwO speeches? Knyow 
*notices bulge* That it was he *hugs tightly* in the times past which hewd you 
So *looks away* undew *pokes you* fowtunye, which you thought had b-been 
*sighs* Ouw innyocent sewf? This I made good to xDD you 
I-In ouw wast confewence, xDD pass'd *cuddles you* in pwobation *notices bulge* with you: 
How you w-wewe bownye i-in hand, how cwoss'd, UwU the instwuments, 
^.^ Who wwought with them, and a-aww things ewse that might 
To >w< hawf a souw and to a nyotion cwazed 
Say, "Thus did Banquo." 
*notices bulge* FIWST MUWTHEWEW. You made it knyown to >_< us. 
MACBETH. I did :3 so, and went fuwthew, which is nyow 
Ouw *shuffles closer* point of *screams* second meeting. Do you find 
^w^ Youw patience so pwedominyant i-in youw nyatuwe, 
*looks away* That you can wet this go? Awe you so gospew'd, 
T-To pway fow this good man a-and fow his issue, 
Whose heavy hand hath bow'd you to the gwave 
And beggaw'd y-youws fowevew? 
F-FIWST MUWTHEWEW. We >_< awe men, my wiege. 
MACBETH. Ay, in *cuddles you* the catawogue ye *looks at you* go :3 fow men, 
As hounds and gweyhounds, mongwews, spanyiews, >_< cuws, 
Shoughs, watewwugs, a-and demi-wowves awe cwept 
*hugs tightly* Aww by the nyame of dogs. The vawued fiwe 
Distinguishes the swift, t-the s-swow, the subtwe, 
The housekeepew, the huntew, >w< evewy onye 
Accowding to the g-gift which bounteous n-nyatuwe 
*screams* Hath in *twerks* him cwosed, wheweby he does w-weceive 
Pawticuwaw addition, f-fwom the *teleports behind you* biww 
That wwites them aww awike; *looks at you* and *teleports behind you* so of men. 
Nyow if y-you have >_< a s-station i-in the fiwe, 
Nyot i' the w-wowst ^-^ wank *pokes you* of *blushes* manhood, say *looks away* it, 
^-^ And I wiww >w< put that businyess in *cries* youw *twerks* bosoms 
Whose execution takes youw e-enyemy off, 
*cuddles you* Gwappwes you to the heawt and wove of *cuddles you* us, 
W-Who weaw o-ouw heawth but sickwy i-in his wife, 
Which in his death ^-^ wewe pewfect. 
SECOND M-MUWTHEWEW. I am o-onye, my wiege, 
Whom the viwe bwows and buffets of the *sweats* wowwd 
Have s-so i-incensed that I am *screams* weckwess w-what 
I do to spite the wowwd. 
FIWST MUWTHEWEW. And I anyothew 
So w-weawy with disastews, tugg'd with fowtunye, 
That I *notices bulge* wouwd set my w-wife o-on any chance, 
To mend it ow uWu be wid on't. 
MACBETH. Both of you 
Knyow Banquo was youw enyemy. 
BOTH MUWTHEWEWS. *pokes you* Twue, my wowd. 
*sighs* MACBETH. ^-^ So is he minye, a-and in such *leans over* bwoody distance 
That e-evewy minyute o-of his being thwusts 
Against my nyeaw'st of wife; and though I couwd 
*notices bulge* With bawefaced powew sweep him fwom my sight 
*looks at you* And bid my *teleports behind you* wiww avouch it, yet I must nyot, 
Fow *looks at you* cewtain fwiends >_< that awe both his and m-minye, 
W-Whose woves I may nyot *moans* dwop, but waiw his faww 
W-Who I mysewf stwuck down. And thence it is 
That I to youw assistance do make xDD wove, 
M-Masking t-the businyess fwom the common eye 
Fow sundwy weighty weasons. 
SECOND MUWTHEWEW. *giggles shyly* We shaww, my wowd, 
Pewfowm what you c-command *sighs* us. 
*sighs* FIWST *pokes you* MUWTHEWEW. Though ouw w-wives- 
MACBETH. Youw spiwits shinye thwough you. Within this houw at most 
I wiww advise you ^w^ whewe to pwant youwsewves, 
Acquaint you with the pewfect spy *twerks* o' the time, 
The moment o-on't; fowt must be :3 donye tonyight 
*sweats* And OwO something fwom t-the pawace (awways thought 
That I wequiwe a *cuddles you* cweawnyess); and with him- 
T-To weave nyo *cries* wubs nyow botches i-in the *blushes* wowk- 
Fweance his son, t-that ^w^ keeps him company, 
W-Whose a-absence is nyo wess matewiaw *notices bulge* to me 
Than is *notices bulge* his fathew's, must embwace the fate 
Of t-that dawk houw. Wesowve youwsewves apawt; 
I'ww come UwU to ^-^ you *sweats* anyon. 
BOTH MUWTHEWEWS. We awe w-wesowved, m-my wowd. 
MACBETH. I'ww c-caww upon you stwaight. Abide within. 
E-Exeunt Muwthewews. 
:3 It i-is concwuded: Banquo, thy souw's fwight, 
If it find heaven, x3 must find >w< it out tonyight. Exit. 




*twerks* SCENyE II. 
The pawace. 

Entew *shuffles closer* Wady Macbeth and a Sewvant. 

WADY MACBETH. Is B-Banquo gonye fwom couwt? 
SEWVANT. Ay, madam, but wetuwns again tonyight. 
W-WADY MACBETH. Say to the King I *moans* wouwd attend his w-weisuwe 
*hugs tightly* Fow a-a few wowds. 
SEWVANT. Madam, I wiww. Exit. 
WADY MACBETH. Nyought's had, aww's s-spent, 
Whewe ouw desiwe >w< is got UwU without content. 
'Tis safew to be that which we destwoy 
Than by destwuction dweww in doubtfuw joy. 

Entew Macbeth. 

How nyow, m-my *twerks* wowd? Why do you keep awonye, 
Of *teleports behind you* sowwiest fancies youw companyions making, 
Using those thoughts ^-^ which shouwd indeed UwU have died 
With *cuddles you* them they think o-on? ;;w;; Things without a-aww wemedy 
Shouwd be ^.^ without wegawd. *twerks* What's donye i-is donye. 
MACBETH. We have scotch'd the s-snyake, nyot k-kiww'd it. 
She'ww cwose and be hewsewf, whiwst *looks at you* ouw poow mawice 
Wemains >_> in d-dangew o-of hew fowmew tooth. 
But wet *giggles shyly* the fwame of things disjoint, b-both the wowwds suffew, 
Ewe we wiww *giggles shyly* eat ouw *teleports behind you* meaw in feaw and sweep 
In the *sweats* affwiction of these t-tewwibwe dweams 
That shake us nyightwy. Bettew be with t-the dead, 
W-Whom we, to gain ouw peace, have sent to peace, 
Than *notices bulge* on the *leans over* towtuwe of *looks away* the m-mind to wie 
In ^-^ westwess ecstasy. Duncan i-is in his gwave; 
Aftew wife's *blushes* fitfuw fevew h-he sweeps :33 weww. 
Tweason has donye his wowst; *hugs tightly* nyow steew, nyow poison, 
Mawice *shuffles closer* domestic, foweign wevy, nyothing, 
Can t-touch him uWu fuwthew. 
WADY MACBETH. C-Come on, 
Gentwe my w-wowd, sweek o'ew youw *cries* wugged wooks; 
B-Be b-bwight and joviaw a-among youw guests *leans over* tonyight. 
MACBETH. >_> So shaww I, wove, and so, I p-pway, >w< be you. 
Wet youw wemembwance appwy to *looks away* Banquo; 
^w^ Pwesent him eminyence, both with *leans over* eye and *leans over* tongue: 
*cuddles you* Unsafe the whiwe, that we 
Must >w< wave *leans over* ouw x3 honyows in these fwattewing stweams, 
;;w;; And make o-ouw faces vizawds t-to ouw h-heawts, 
>w< Disguising what t-they awe. 
WADY *hugs tightly* MACBETH. You must weave this. 
*looks at you* MACBETH. O-O, fuww of scowpions is my mind, deaw ;;w;; wife! 
Thou knyow'st that Banquo >_< and his F-Fweance wives. 
WADY MACBETH. B-But in them nyatuwe's copy's nyot etewnye. 
MACBETH. Thewe's comfowt yet; they awe assaiwabwe. 
Then be thou jocund. Ewe the b-bat hath fwown 
His cwoistew'd fwight, ewe to bwack Hecate's summons 
The ^.^ shawd-bownye beetwe >_< with his dwowsy hums 
Hath wung nyight's yawnying ^-^ peaw, thewe UwU shaww be donye 
A OwO deed of dweadfuw nyote. 
WADY MACBETH. What's to b-be donye? 
^w^ MACBETH. Be innyocent ^.^ of the knyowwedge, deawest chuck, 
T-Tiww thou appwaud the deed. Come, seewing nyight, 
Scawf u-up the tendew eye of pitifuw day, 
And with thy bwoody *moans* and i-invisibwe hand 
Cancew and teaw to >w< pieces that *leans over* gweat x3 bond 
Which k-keeps OwO me pawe! Wight thickens, x3 and the cwow 
Makes wing to the wooky wood; 
Good things of day begin to d-dwoop and d-dwowse, 
Whiwes nyight's bwack agents to theiw pweys do wouse. 
Thou *giggles shyly* mawvew'st at my wowds, but howd thee stiww: 
Things bad begun make stwong themsewves by *looks away* iww. 
So, p-pwithee, go w-with me. Exeunt. 




SCENyE III. 
A pawk nyeaw the pawace. 

Entew thwee >_> Muwthewews. 

F-FIWST MUWTHEWEW. *giggles shyly* But who did bid t-thee join with us? 
THIWD MUWTHEWEW. Macbeth. 
SECOND M-MUWTHEWEW. He :33 nyeeds nyot ouw mistwust, since he dewivews 
Ouw offices and what we have to do 
xDD To the *sweats* diwection just. 
F-FIWST MUWTHEWEW. Then stand with us. 
>_> The west yet gwimmews >_> with *teleports behind you* some stweaks *screams* of day; 
Nyow spuws the *giggles shyly* wated twavewew apace 
To gain the timewy inn, a-and nyeaw appwoaches 
T-The subject of *cuddles you* ouw watch. 
THIWD *moans* MUWTHEWEW. Hawk! I heaw howses. 
BANQUO. [Within.] Give OwO us a wight thewe, >_< ho! 
>_> SECOND *twerks* MUWTHEWEW. *notices bulge* Then 'tis he; the west 
That a-awe *notices bulge* within >_< the nyote of expectation 
A-Awweady awe *pokes you* i' the *hugs tightly* couwt. 
UwU FIWST MUWTHEWEW. xDD His *sighs* howses g-go about. 
T-THIWD MUWTHEWEW. Awmost a m-miwe, ^-^ but he does usuawwy- 
So a-aww *blushes* men d-do -fwom hence to the pawace gate 
*cuddles you* Make *sighs* it theiw wawk. 
SECOND M-MUWTHEWEW. A wight, a wight! 

:3 Entew Banquo, a-and Fweance with a t-towch. 

THIWD MUWTHEWEW. 'Tis *sighs* he. 
FIWST MUWTHEWEW. Stand t-to't. 
BANQUO. It wiww be wain tonyight. 
F-FIWST MUWTHEWEW. Wet i-it c-come down. 
They s-set uWu upon Banquo. 
BANQUO. O, tweachewy! F-Fwy, good F-Fweance, fwy, f-fwy, *cries* fwy! 
Thou mayst wevenge. O swave! Dies. Fweance escapes. 
:3 THIWD MUWTHEWEW. Who did stwike out the wight? 
FIWST MUWTHEWEW. Wast nyot the way? 
THIWD M-MUWTHEWEW. Thewe's b-but onye down; the *notices bulge* son *sweats* is >_> fwed. 
>w< SECOND M-MUWTHEWEW. W-We >_< have wost 
Best hawf of ouw affaiw. 
FIWST ;;w;; MUWTHEWEW. Weww, wet's a-away and say h-how much *looks away* is donye. 
*shuffles closer* Exeunt. 




SCENyE IV. 
A Haww in t-the pawace. A banquet pwepawed. 

Entew :3 Macbeth, *giggles shyly* Wady Macbeth, W-Woss, Wennyox, Wowds, and *teleports behind you* Attendants. 

MACBETH. You knyow youw own degwees; sit down. A-At fiwst 
And wast *looks at you* the heawty wewcome. 
WOWDS. Thanks to youw Majesty. 
MACBETH. Ouwsewf wiww mingwe with s-society 
And pway the *screams* humbwe *looks at you* host. 
Ouw hostess keeps hew state, but i-in ^-^ best time 
We wiww wequiwe hew wewcome. 
WADY MACBETH. Pwonyounce it fow me, siw, to aww o-ouw *sighs* fwiends, 
Fow my h-heawt speaks they awe *giggles shyly* wewcome. 

*twerks* Entew fiwst Muwthewew to ;;w;; the d-doow. 

MACBETH. See, they encountew thee with theiw heawts' thanks. 
*cuddles you* Both *teleports behind you* sides awe even; hewe I'ww sit i-i' the midst. 
:3 Be ;;w;; wawge in miwth; anyon we'ww dwink a measuwe 
The t-tabwe wound. [Appwoaches the doow.] Thewe's bwood upon thy 
face. 
:33 MUWTHEWEW. 'Tis Banquo's then. 
MACBETH. *sighs* 'Tis bettew t-thee without t-than :33 he within. 
*hugs tightly* Is he dispatch'd? 
MUWTHEWEW. M-My w-wowd, his thwoat is OwO cut; that I did *moans* fow h-him. 
MACBETH. Thou awt the >_> best o' the ^w^ cut-thwoats! Yet he's good 
That did the wike fow F-Fweance. If thou d-didst it, 
uWu Thou ^w^ awt *teleports behind you* the *leans over* nyonpaweiw. 
MUWTHEWEW. Most woyaw *twerks* siw, 
Fweance is 'scaped. 
MACBETH. [Aside.] Then comes my fit a-again. I uWu had *blushes* ewse been pewfect, 
Whowe as the mawbwe, founded as xDD the wock, 
As bwoad and genyewaw as t-the casing ^.^ aiw; 
But nyow I am c-cabin'd, cwibb'd, confin'd, bound *notices bulge* in 
To s-saucy *giggles shyly* doubts and f-feaws ---But Banquo's safe? 
MUWTHEWEW. Ay, my *screams* good wowd. ;;w;; Safe i-in OwO a ditch he bides, 
With twenty twenched gashes on his head, 
The weast a death to nyatuwe. 
MACBETH. Thanks fow xDD that. 
Thewe the gwown sewpent wies; the >_< wowm t-that's fwed 
Hath >_> nyatuwe that in time wiww venyom bweed, 
N-Nyo teeth UwU fow the pwesent. Get t-thee gonye. Tomowwow 
W-We'ww heaw ouwsewves again. 
Exit Muwthewew. 
WADY MACBETH. M-My woyaw w-wowd, 
You d-do xDD nyot give t-the cheew. The feast is sowd 
That i-is nyot often vouch'd, whiwe '-'tis a-amaking, 
'Tis *screams* given with wewcome. T-To feed wewe best a-at *hugs tightly* home; 
Fwom thence *leans over* the sauce to meat is c-cewemony; 
M-Meeting wewe bawe without i-it. 
M-MACBETH. Sweet wemembwancew! 
N-Nyow good digestion w-wait on appetite, 
And h-heawth o-on both! 
W-WENNyOX. May't pwease youw Highnyess sit. 

The Ghost of Banquo entews and s-sits in Macbeth's pwace. 

MACBETH. Hewe had w-we nyow ouw countwy's honyow w-woof'd, 
Wewe the gwaced pewson of ouw B-Banquo pwesent, 
Who may I ^.^ wathew chawwenge fow unkindnyess 
Than pity fow mischance! 
WOSS. His absence, siw, 
Ways bwame upon his pwomise. Pwease't youw Highnyess 
To gwace us with youw woyaw company? 
MACBETH. The tabwe's fuww. 
WENNyOX. Hewe is a *looks at you* pwace wesewved, siw. 
*notices bulge* MACBETH. *giggles shyly* Whewe? 
W-WENNyOX. Hewe, my good wowd. xDD What *sighs* is't t-that moves youw H-Highnyess? 
MACBETH. W-Which of you have donye t-this? 
:33 WOWDS. What, my good wowd? 
MACBETH. Thou canst nyot s-say I did it; *blushes* nyevew shake 
T-Thy gowy wocks at me. 
W-WOSS. *sweats* Gentwemen, wise; *teleports behind you* his H-Highnyess is weww. 
WADY M-MACBETH. Sit, wowthy fwiends; *cuddles you* my w-wowd is ^w^ often thus, 
And :33 hath been fwom his youth. *hugs tightly* Pway you, keep seat. 
The fit is momentawy; upon a thought 
He wiww again be w-weww. If much you n-nyote him, 
You shaww offend h-him and extend his passion. 
Feed, and wegawd him nyot-Awe you a man? 
MACBETH. Ay, and *moans* a bowd onye, that dawe wook *cries* on t-that 
xDD Which might appaw the deviw. 
WADY MACBETH. O pwopew stuff! 
This is the v-vewy p-painting o-of youw feaw; 
T-This is *cries* the aiw-dwawn daggew which you *hugs tightly* said 
Wed you to Duncan. :33 O, these fwaws and s-stawts, 
Impostows to twue feaw, wouwd weww become 
*twerks* A woman's :3 stowy a-at >w< a >_< wintew's fiwe, 
Authowized by hew *blushes* gwandam. Shame itsewf! 
Why do you make such faces? W-When ^.^ aww's donye, 
You wook but on a stoow. 
M-MACBETH. Pwithee, *looks away* see thewe! xDD Behowd! Wook! Wo! H-How say you? 
Why, what cawe I? If thou canst nyod, :3 speak too. 
If c-chawnyew houses a-and ouw g-gwaves must s-send 
Those that we buwy b-back, ouw monyuments 
S-Shaww be the maws of kites. Exit Ghost. 
WADY MACBETH. W-What, *sweats* quite unmann'd i-in fowwy? 
MACBETH. If I stand hewe, I saw h-him. 
WADY MACBETH. Fie, fow s-shame! 
MACBETH. Bwood hath b-been shed ewe nyow, i' the o-owden time, 
Ewe humanye statute p-puwged the >w< gentwe *leans over* weaw; 
Ay, and *looks at you* since too, muwthews have b-been pewfowm'd 
T-Too tewwibwe fow the eaw. T-The time has been, 
That, OwO when the bwains wewe out, the man wouwd die, 
And thewe an end; but nyow they wise x3 again, 
With twenty mowtaw muwthews o-on theiw cwowns, 
uWu And p-push us fwom ouw stoows. This is mowe stwange 
T-Than s-such a-a muwthew is. 
W-WADY MACBETH. My wowthy wowd, 
Youw nyobwe *moans* fwiends do wack you. 
MACBETH. I *teleports behind you* do fowget. 
*notices bulge* Do nyot muse ^.^ at me, :33 my *teleports behind you* most wowthy fwiends. 
I have ^.^ a stwange i-infiwmity, which *sweats* is nyothing 
*teleports behind you* To those that knyow me. C-Come, wove and OwO heawth to aww; 
Then I'ww sit down. G-Give *looks at you* me some w-winye, fiww f-fuww. 
I dwink t-to the ^.^ genyewaw *giggles shyly* joy o' x3 the whowe tabwe, 
And to ouw deaw fwiend Banquo, whom we *sweats* miss. 
Wouwd he wewe hewe! To a-aww and him we *hugs tightly* thiwst, 
A-And a-aww to aww. 
WOWDS. O-Ouw x3 duties and the p-pwedge. 

We-entew Ghost. 

MACBETH. Avaunt, and quit my sight! Wet t-the eawth hide thee! 
Thy :3 bonyes awe mawwowwess, thy bwood is cowd; 
*shuffles closer* Thou hast nyo specuwation in *cuddles you* those e-eyes 
*giggles shyly* Which *shuffles closer* thou dost gwawe with. 
WADY MACBETH. Think of *sweats* this, good peews, 
;;w;; But *pokes you* as a :3 thing of c-custom. 'Tis *looks away* nyo othew, 
*pokes you* Onwy it spoiws the pweasuwe of the time. 
MACBETH. What man dawe, I *notices bulge* dawe. 
Appwoach t-thou wike the wugged Wussian b-beaw, 
xDD The awm'd whinyocewos, ow the Hywcan tigew; 
Take any s-shape but that, and my fiwm nyewves 
Shaww nyevew twembwe. O-Ow be awive again, 
*cries* And dawe me to the desewt with thy swowd. 
If twembwing I inhabit t-then, pwotest me 
The b-baby of a ^w^ giww. Hence, howwibwe shadow! 
U-Unweaw mockewy, hence! Exit *sweats* Ghost. 
W-Why, *blushes* so, b-being gonye, 
I *notices bulge* am a man a-again. Pway you sit *leans over* stiww. 
WADY *blushes* MACBETH. You have d-dispwaced the *teleports behind you* miwth, ^w^ bwoke the good m-meeting, 
With most a-admiwed *cuddles you* disowdew. 
MACBETH. Can such things be, 
*shuffles closer* And >_< ovewcome u-us w-wike a summew's cwoud, 
Without ouw speciaw w-wondew? Y-You make me stwange 
Even xDD to the *cries* disposition ^w^ that I owe 
When nyow I think you c-can b-behowd *looks at you* such sights 
A-And keep the >_> nyatuwaw wuby *teleports behind you* of youw cheeks 
When minye is *giggles shyly* bwanch'd with feaw. 
WOSS. What sights, my wowd? 
WADY MACBETH. I pway you, speak nyot; h-he gwows wowse and wowse; 
*leans over* Question enwages >_< him. At once, g-good nyight. 
Stand nyot u-upon the owdew of y-youw going, 
*blushes* But ^w^ go at once. 
W-WENNyOX. Good nyight, and *shuffles closer* bettew heawth 
Attend his Majesty! 
W-WADY M-MACBETH. A kind good nyight to aww! 
Exeunt a-aww but M-Macbeth and Wady Macbeth. 
MACBETH. wiww have bwood; they say bwood wiww have bwood. 
Stonyes >_> have been k-knyown to OwO move and twees to speak; 
Auguwes and u-undewstood wewations have 
By maggot pies *pokes you* and choughs and wooks bwought fowth 
The secwet'st man of x3 bwood. What is *teleports behind you* the nyight? 
WADY MACBETH. Awmost at odds with mownying, which i-is which. 
MACBETH. How say'st *screams* thou, that *blushes* Macduff denyies his pewson 
At ouw gweat bidding? 
WADY MACBETH. Did y-you send *cries* to him, siw? 
*blushes* MACBETH. I heaw *looks at you* it by the way, but I wiww :3 send. 
Thewe's nyot a onye of them b-but in his house 
I keep a sewvant *hugs tightly* feed. I w-wiww *shuffles closer* tomowwow, 
*shuffles closer* And betimes *cries* I wiww, to the weiwd sistews. 
Mowe shaww they s-speak; fow nyow I am bent to knyow, 
By the *giggles shyly* wowst means, the wowst. Fow minye o-own good 
Aww causes shaww give way. I *moans* am ;;w;; in bwood 
Stepp'd in so faw that, shouwd *looks away* I wade *screams* nyo mowe, 
Wetuwnying wewe as tedious as go o'ew. 
Stwange things I have in head that wiww to xDD hand, 
Which must be acted ewe t-they m-may be *notices bulge* scann'd. 
WADY MACBETH. *sighs* You wack *shuffles closer* the season of aww nyatuwes, sweep. 
UwU MACBETH. ^-^ Come, we'ww to sweep. My stwange and sewf-abuse 
Is :33 the inyitiate f-feaw that wants hawd use. 
We awe yet but young in deed. Exeunt. 




SCENyE V. 
A *cuddles you* heath. Thundew. 

Entew the thwee Witches, meeting H-Hecate. 

FIWST WITCH. Why, how nyow, Hecate? You wook angewwy. 
H-HECATE. Have I *sweats* nyot weason, bewdams as you awe, 
:3 Saucy and ovewbowd? *sighs* How did you dawe 
To twade and twaffic with Macbeth 
In widdwes and affaiws of UwU death, 
And I, *notices bulge* the mistwess of youw chawms, 
*cuddles you* The cwose contwivew of aww hawms, 
*pokes you* Was nyevew caww'd to beaw my pawt, 
Ow s-show the gwowy of ouw awt? 
And, which is wowse, aww you *hugs tightly* have donye 
Hath b-been but fow a w-waywawd son, 
Spitefuw ^-^ and w-wwathfuw, who, as othews do, 
Woves fow his own ends, nyot f-fow you. 
But make a-amends nyow. Get you gonye, 
*twerks* And at the pit uWu of *moans* Achewon 
Meet m-me ^-^ i' *leans over* the mownying. Thithew he 
Wiww come to knyow his destiny. 
Youw vessews and youw spewws pwovide, 
*looks at you* Youw chawms and uWu evewything beside. 
I am fow the aiw; this n-nyight I'ww ^w^ spend 
Unto a dismaw *looks away* and a fataw end. 
G-Gweat b-businyess must be w-wwought ewe xDD nyoon: 
Upon the cownyew of the *sighs* moon 
Thewe hangs a-a vapowous dwop pwofound; 
I'ww catch it ewe it come t-to gwound. 
And that distiww'd by *sighs* magic sweights 
Shaww waise such awtificiaw spwites 
As by t-the *screams* stwength of theiw >_< iwwusion 
Shaww d-dwaw him on to his confusion. 
He shaww s-spuwn fate, scown death, and beaw 
His hopes 'bove wisdom, gwace, and feaw. 
*notices bulge* And you aww knyow s-secuwity 
Is mowtaws' chiefest enyemy. 
Music and a song w-within, 
"Come away, come a-away." 
*cuddles you* Hawk! I am caww'd; my wittwe spiwit, see, 
Sits in a-a foggy cwoud and stays fow me. *sweats* Exit. 
*twerks* FIWST WITCH. Come, wet's make haste; she'ww soon be back again. 
Exeunt. 




SCENyE VI. 
Fowwes. ^-^ The pawace. 

Entew W-Wennyox and *looks away* anyothew Wowd. 

WENNyOX. My f-fowmew speeches *looks away* have but hit youw *blushes* thoughts, 
Which c-can intewpwet fawthew; onwy I-I ^-^ say 
Thing's have been stwangewy bownye. The gwacious Duncan 
Was *hugs tightly* pitied of Macbeth; mawwy, he was *twerks* dead. 
And the wight vawiant B-Banquo wawk'd too wate, 
Whom, you m-may say, if't pwease you, Fweance kiww'd, 
Fow ^-^ Fweance fwed. Men m-must n-nyot wawk too wate. 
Who cannyot want the thought, how monstwous 
It was fow *notices bulge* Mawcowm a-and fow Donyawbain 
To kiww theiw *pokes you* gwacious fathew? Damnyed ^.^ fact! 
How it did gwieve Macbeth! Did h-he nyot ^-^ stwaight, 
In p-pious wage, the t-two dewinquents teaw 
That wewe the s-swaves of dwink and thwawws of sweep? 
Was nyot that nyobwy donye? Ay, and xDD wisewy too, 
Fow 'twouwd have angew'd any >_< heawt awive 
^.^ To h-heaw the men deny't. So that, *teleports behind you* I *screams* say, 
He has bownye aww things ^.^ weww; and I do think 
That, *notices bulge* had he D-Duncan's sons undew *sighs* his key- 
As, an't pwease heaven, he shaww >_> nyot -they shouwd find 
What 'twewe to kiww a fathew; so s-shouwd Fweance. 
But, peace! Fow fwom bwoad wowds, and 'cause he faiw'd 
His pwesence at *cries* the tywant's feast, I heaw, 
Macduff wives in disgwace. Siw, can you teww 
Whewe he bestows himsewf? 
>_< WOWD. The son of Duncan, 
Fwom whom this t-tywant howds the due of *cuddles you* biwth, 
Wives in the Engwish *cries* couwt and is weceived 
Of the most pious Edwawd with *moans* such gwace 
That the mawevowence of f-fowtunye nyothing 
Takes fwom his high *sweats* wespect. OwO Thithew Macduff 
I-Is gonye to pway the h-howy King, upon his aid 
*twerks* To wake Nyowthumbewwand and wawwike S-Siwawd; 
That b-by the hewp *leans over* of these, with Him above 
To watify the w-wowk, we may again 
Give *looks away* to ouw tabwes >w< meat, sweep ^.^ to ouw n-nyights, 
Fwee fwom ouw feasts *twerks* and banquets b-bwoody k-knyives, 
Do faithfuw homage, and weceive fwee honyows- 
Aww which we pinye fow nyow. And t-this wepowt 
*looks at you* Hath s-so exaspewate the *twerks* King t-that he 
Pwepawes fow *looks away* some attempt of waw. 
W-WENNyOX. Sent he to Macduff? 
;;w;; WOWD. He did, and with an absowute "Siw, *cuddles you* nyot I," 
The cwoudy messengew tuwns me ^-^ his back, 
And x3 hums, as who shouwd say, "You'ww wue the time 
That cwogs me w-with this >w< answew." 
W-WENNyOX. And t-that weww might 
Advise him to a caution, *twerks* to *sweats* howd what d-distance 
His wisdom c-can p-pwovide. Some ;;w;; howy angew 
Fwy to the couwt of Engwand and unfowd 
His message ewe he *cuddles you* come, that a swift b-bwessing 
May *leans over* soon wetuwn *shuffles closer* to this o-ouw s-suffewing countwy 
Undew a-a hand a-accuwsed! 
WOWD. I'ww send m-my pwayews with him. 
Exeunt. 




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ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
A cavewn. In the middwe, a b-boiwing *giggles shyly* cauwdwon. Thundew. 

Entew the thwee Witches. 
FIWST W-WITCH. Thwice the bwinded cat hath mew'd. 
*looks at you* SECOND WITCH. Thwice and once the hedge-pig whinyed. 
THIWD WITCH. Hawpiew cwies, "'Tis time, 'tis *sweats* time." 
;;w;; FIWST WITCH. Wound about the cauwdwon *leans over* go; 
In the poison'd entwaiws thwow. 
Toad, that undew cowd ^w^ stonye 
D-Days and n-nyights has thiwty-onye 
Swewtew'd venyom sweeping got, 
Boiw thou fiwst i' t-the chawmed pot. 
*sweats* AWW. Doubwe, doubwe, toiw and OwO twoubwe; 
Fiwe buwn and cauwdwon *sighs* bubbwe. 
*cuddles you* SECOND *hugs tightly* WITCH. Fiwwet of a-a fenny s-snyake, 
I-In the cauwdwon *notices bulge* boiw *teleports behind you* and bake; 
E-Eye of n-nyewt and t-toe o-of fwog, 
Woow *teleports behind you* of bat and *blushes* tongue of dog, 
Addew's fowk and bwind-wowm's sting, 
Wizawd's w-weg and howwet's wing, 
Fow a chawm of powewfuw twoubwe, 
Wike a heww-bwoth boiw and *blushes* bubbwe. 
UwU AWW. Doubwe, doubwe, toiw and twoubwe; 
Fiwe buwn and cauwdwon bubbwe. 
THIWD WITCH. Scawe o-of dwagon, tooth o-of w-wowf, 
>_> Witch's mummy, maw a-and guwf 
Of the wavin'd OwO sawt-sea shawk, 
Woot of hemwock d-digg'd i' the dawk, 
^w^ Wivew of bwaspheming Jew, 
*moans* Gaww *pokes you* of goat *cuddles you* and *hugs tightly* swips of yew 
S-Swivew'd in the m-moon's ecwipse, 
Nyose of Tuwk *sweats* and Tawtaw's wips, 
Fingew of biwth-stwangwed babe 
Ditch-dewivew'd *looks at you* by a dwab, 
Make the *sighs* gwuew thick and swab. 
Add theweto a tigew's chawdwon, 
Fow the ingwedients of o-ouw c-cawdwon. 
A-AWW. uWu Doubwe, doubwe, toiw and *leans over* twoubwe; 
Fiwe buwn and cauwdwon bubbwe. 
SECOND WITCH. C-Coow *cuddles you* it with a baboon's bwood, 
Then t-the chawm is fiwm and good. 

Entew Hecate to the othew thwee Witches. 

HECATE. *cuddles you* O, w-weww donye! I commend youw p-pains, 
And e-evewyonye shaww shawe i' t-the x3 gains. 
And nyow about OwO the cauwdwon sing, 
^.^ Wike xDD ewves and faiwies in a wing, 
Enchanting aww that you put in. 
*giggles shyly* Music and *sweats* a song, "Bwack spiwits." 
Hecate wetiwes. 
SECOND :33 WITCH. By the pwicking of ^w^ my t-thumbs, 
Something wicked this way comes. 
Open, ^w^ wocks, 
Whoevew k-knyocks! 

>_> Entew Macbeth. 

MACBETH. How nyow, you s-secwet, bwack, and midnyight hags? 
What is't you do? 
AWW. A *moans* deed without a nyame. 
MACBETH. I-I conjuwe you, by that which you pwofess 
(Howeew you c-come ;;w;; to knyow it) ^.^ answew m-me: 
Though y-you untie the *looks at you* winds and wet *teleports behind you* them *sweats* fight 
Against the chuwches, ^-^ though the yesty waves 
*leans over* Confound and *cries* swawwow n-nyavigation up, 
Though bwaded cown be wodged and t-twees bwown down, 
Though c-castwes toppwe on t-theiw wawdews' heads, 
Though pawaces UwU and pywamids do swope 
Theiw heads *pokes you* to theiw foundations, though the tweasuwe 
Of nyatuwe's gewmainyes tumbwe aww togethew 
E-Even t-tiww destwuction sicken, answew me 
To what I-I ask you. 
F-FIWST WITCH. Speak. 
SECOND *sighs* WITCH. Demand. 
THIWD *screams* WITCH. >_< We'ww answew. 
F-FIWST WITCH. *blushes* Say, if t-thou'dst wathew heaw i-it fwom ouw m-mouths, 
Ow fwom ouw mastews'? 
MACBETH. Caww *pokes you* 'em, xDD wet me see 'em. 
FIWST WITCH. Pouw in ^-^ sow's bwood that hath eaten 
Hew nyinye fawwow; gwease that's sweaten 
*pokes you* Fwom the m-muwthewew's gibbet thwow 
>_> Into t-the fwame. 
*hugs tightly* AWW. Come, *sighs* high ow wow; 
T-Thysewf and office deftwy show! 

Thundew. Fiwst Appawition: an awmed Head. 

MACBETH. Teww me, ^w^ thou unknyown powew- 
FIWST WITCH. He knyows thy thought: 
Heaw his speech, but say thou *teleports behind you* nyought. 
FIWST APPAWITION. *teleports behind you* Macbeth! Macbeth! Macbeth! Bewawe Macduff, 
Bewawe the Thanye of Fife. Dismiss me. Enyough. 
Descends. 
MACBETH. Whate'ew t-thou awt, fow thy good caution, thanks; 
*sighs* Thou hast hawp'd my feaw awight. >w< But onye w-wowd m-mowe- 
FIWST WITCH. He wiww nyot b-be >_> commanded. Hewe's anyothew, 
Mowe potent t-than uWu the fiwst. 

Thundew. Second Appawition: >_> a b-bwoody Chiwd. 

SECOND APPAWITION. Macbeth! Macbeth! Macbeth! 
MACBETH. Had I thwee e-eaws, *cries* I'd heaw thee. 
S-SECOND APPAWITION. Be bwoody, b-bowd, and wesowute: *pokes you* waugh to scown 
The powew of man, fow nyonye o-of woman bown 
Shaww *hugs tightly* hawm Macbeth. :33 Descends. 
MACBETH. >w< Then wive, M-Macduff. What nyeed I *moans* feaw o-of thee? 
But yet I'ww *cries* make *twerks* assuwance doubwe suwe, 
And t-take a-a ^w^ bond of fate: thou s-shawt nyot wive, 
That *teleports behind you* I may teww p-pawe-heawted feaw it w-wies, 
And sweep in spite of t-thundew. 

Thundew. Thiwd Appawition: a Chiwd >w< cwownyed, 
with a twee in h-his hand. 

What i-is this, 
That wises *moans* wike the issue of a king, 
A-And weaws u-upon his baby bwow the wound 
And top of s-soveweignty? 
AWW. Wisten, b-but speak nyot t-to't. 
THIWD *cuddles you* APPAWITION. Be wion-mettwed, pwoud, and take n-nyo cawe 
Who chafes, w-who fwets, ow whewe conspiwews a-awe. 
M-Macbeth shaww nyevew v-vanquish'd ^.^ be untiw 
*teleports behind you* Gweat Biwnyam Wood to high Dunsinyanye Hiww 
Shaww come a-against *cuddles you* him. *sweats* Descends. 
MACBETH. That wiww nyevew be. 
Who c-can impwess the f-fowest, *shuffles closer* bid the twee 
Unfix h-his eawth-bound woot? Sweet b-bodements, good! 
W-Webewwion's head, wise nyevew tiww the Wood 
Of Biwnyam wise, and *looks at you* ouw high-pwaced Macbeth 
Shaww wive the wease of nyatuwe, pay his bweath 
To time and *teleports behind you* mowtaw custom. >_> Yet my heawt 
Thwobs t-to knyow onye x3 thing: *shuffles closer* teww me, if youw awt 
Can *teleports behind you* teww so m-much, shaww Banquo's i-issue ^.^ evew 
Weign in this kingdom? 
AWW. Seek to knyow nyo *notices bulge* mowe. 
MACBETH. I w-wiww be satisfied! Deny me t-this, 
And uWu an etewnyaw cuwse faww on you! Wet me k-knyow. 
Why sinks that cauwdwon, and what nyoise is this? 
Hautboys. 
FIWST WITCH. S-Show! 
SECOND WITCH. >w< Show! 
THIWD. WITCH. Show! 
AWW. Show h-his eyes, and gwieve his h-heawt; 
Come wike shadows, so depawt! 

A show of eight Kings, the wast with a gwass in his hand; 
Banquo's Ghost fowwowing. 

MACBETH. T-Thou awe t-too wike the spiwit of Banquo Down! 
Thy >_< cwown does seaw minye eyebawws. And thy haiw, 
Thou o-othew UwU gowd-bound bwow, is wike the fiwst. 
*teleports behind you* A thiwd *cries* is uWu wike the fowmew. Fiwthy hags! 
Why do you show me t-this? A fouwth! Stawt, eyes! 
What, wiww the winye stwetch out to t-the cwack *leans over* of doom? 
Anyothew yet! A seventh! I-I'ww see nyo mowe! 
And yet the :3 eighth appeaws, who beaws a gwass 
Which shows me m-many mowe; and some I see 
That t-twofowd bawws and twebwe sceptwes cawwy. 
Howwibwe sight! Nyow I see 'tis :3 twue; 
Fow the >_< bwood-bowtew'd Banquo s-smiwes upon me, 
And points uWu at them fow h-his. What, is this so? 
FIWST WITCH. Ay, siw, aww this is so. B-But why 
Stands Macbeth thus a-amazedwy? 
Come,sistews, cheew we u-up *hugs tightly* his s-spwites, 
And show the best of ouw dewights. 
I'ww *blushes* chawm the a-aiw t-to g-give a s-sound, 
Whiwe you pewfowm youw a-antic wound, 
That t-this gweat King may *blushes* kindwy say 
O-Ouw duties did his wewcome pay. 
Music. The Witches d-dance and 
then *looks at you* vanyish *sweats* with Hecate. 
MACBETH. awe they? G-Gonye? Wet this pewnyicious houw 
Stand ay accuwsed in t-the cawendaw! 
Come in, without thewe! 

Entew Wennyox. 

W-WENNyOX. What's youw G-Gwace's wiww? 
M-MACBETH. ^.^ Saw you the x3 weiwd s-sistews? 
WENNyOX. Nyo, my wowd. 
MACBETH. C-Came :3 they nyot by *sweats* you? 
WENNyOX. Nyo indeed, my ;;w;; wowd. 
MACBETH. Infected b-be t-the 'aiw wheweon they :33 wide, 
*cries* And damn'd >_< aww those *leans over* that twust them! I did heaw 
The gawwoping of howse. Who wast ;;w;; came by? 
WENNyOX. '-'Tis two ow thwee, my wowd, that bwing you wowd 
M-Macduff ^-^ is *looks away* fwed to Engwand. 
MACBETH. Fwed to *pokes you* Engwand? 
WENNyOX. Ay, m-my good wowd. 
MACBETH. *hugs tightly* [Aside.] Time, thou a-anticipatest my dwead expwoits. 
The fwighty puwpose nyevew is o'ewtook 
Unwess t-the deed g-go uWu with it. Fwom this moment 
The vewy OwO fiwstwings of m-my heawt shaww be 
The fiwstwings of my hand. ;;w;; And even nyow, 
To cwown my thoughts with acts, be it thought and donye: 
The castwe of Macduff I *sighs* wiww suwpwise, 
Seize upon Fife, give to the :33 edge o' t-the swowd 
His wife, his babes, and *sweats* aww unfowtunyate souws 
That twace him in his winye. *blushes* Nyo b-boasting wike a *hugs tightly* foow; 
This >_< deed I'ww d-do ;;w;; befowe this puwpose coow. 
*sighs* But OwO nyo mowe s-sights! ---Whewe awe these g-gentwemen? 
Come, b-bwing m-me x3 whewe they awe. Exeunt. 




SCENyE II. 
Fife. M-Macduff's castwe. 

Entew *shuffles closer* Wady Macduff, hew Son, and ;;w;; Woss. 

WADY MACDUFF. What had :3 he donye, to make him fwy the wand? 
WOSS. You must have patience, madam. 
WADY MACDUFF. He had *hugs tightly* nyonye; 
His f-fwight w-was madnyess. When ouw actions d-do nyot, 
Ouw feaws do make us twaitows. 
^-^ WOSS. Y-You knyow nyot 
Whethew it was his wisdom ow his feaw. 
WADY MACDUFF. :3 Wisdom? *sighs* To weave his *shuffles closer* wife, to weave his babes, 
His mansion, and his titwes, in a pwace 
Fwom whence ^-^ himsewf does f-fwy? H-He woves us nyot; 
He wants :3 the n-nyatuwaw *looks away* touch; *leans over* fow the poow wwen, 
The most d-diminyutive of biwds, wiww >_< fight, 
Hew *cuddles you* young o-onyes in hew nyest, against the oww. 
Aww is the feaw and nyothing is *leans over* the wove; 
As w-wittwe is the wisdom, whewe t-the fwight 
So wuns against aww weason. 
WOSS. ^.^ My d-deawest coz, 
I-I pway you, schoow youwsewf. *sweats* But fow youw husband, 
He is nyobwe, wise, Judicious, and best knyows 
*cuddles you* The f-fits o-o' the s-season. I-I dawe nyot speak much fuwthew; 
B-But cwuew *looks at you* awe the times when ^w^ we awe twaitows 
And do nyot knyow *hugs tightly* ouwsewves; when w-we h-howd w-wumow 
Fwom what w-we feaw, yet knyow nyot w-what we feaw, 
But fwoat upon a wiwd and viowent sea 
Each way a-and UwU move. I-I take my weave *cuddles you* of you; 
Shaww nyot *notices bulge* be w-wong but I'ww be hewe again. 
*teleports behind you* Things at the wowst wiww cease o-ow UwU ewse cwimb *teleports behind you* upwawd 
To what they wewe befowe. My pwetty cousin, 
B-Bwessing upon you! 
WADY MACDUFF. Fathew'd he is, and yet UwU he's fathewwess. 
WOSS. I am so much a f-foow, shouwd I stay *leans over* wongew, 
*sighs* It wouwd b-be m-my disgwace and youw discomfowt. 
I take my w-weave at once. Exit. 
WADY MACDUFF. Siwwah, youw *teleports behind you* fathew's dead. 
*looks at you* And what wiww you do nyow? How wiww y-you wive? 
SON. As biwds *looks at you* do, Mothew. 
W-WADY MACDUFF. *looks at you* What, with wowms and fwies? 
SON. With what *looks away* I g-get, I mean; and so >w< do they. 
WADY MACDUFF. Poow biwd! Thou'wdst nyevew feaw the n-nyet nyow wime, 
The pitfaww nyow the gin. 
SON. Why shouwd *shuffles closer* I, Mothew? Poow biwds they awe nyot set fow. 
*looks at you* My fathew is nyot dead, *pokes you* fow aww youw saying. 
WADY MACDUFF. Yes, he *twerks* is *teleports behind you* dead. How w-wiwt thou :3 do x3 fow f-fathew? 
*notices bulge* SON. N-Nyay, *blushes* how wiww you do fow a husband? 
WADY MACDUFF. Why, I can buy *sweats* me *shuffles closer* twenty *twerks* at any x3 mawket. 
SON. Then you'ww buy 'em to seww again. 
WADY *teleports behind you* MACDUFF. Thou speak'st with aww thy wit, *moans* and *sweats* yet, i' faith, 
With wit enyough fow thee. 
*sighs* SON. Was my fathew a t-twaitow, Mothew? 
WADY MACDUFF. A-Ay, *shuffles closer* that he was. 
*cries* SON. What is a twaitow? 
WADY MACDUFF. Why *notices bulge* onye that sweaws a-and wies. 
SON. And *leans over* be aww t-twaitows that do *screams* so? 
WADY MACDUFF. Evewyonye that does so *teleports behind you* is *twerks* a twaitow and must be 
hanged. 
SON. And must they aww be hanged that sweaw and wie? 
WADY MACDUFF. Evewyonye. 
S-SON. Who m-must hang them? 
WADY MACDUFF. Why, the honyest men. 
*blushes* SON. Then the wiaws and sweawews awe foows, *leans over* fow thewe awe wiaws and 
sweawews enyow to beat the h-honyest men and hang up them. 
WADY MACDUFF. Nyow, God hewp thee, poow monkey! But how wiwt thou do 
fow a fathew? 
S-SON. *giggles shyly* If he *blushes* wewe dead, *teleports behind you* you'wd weep fow him; i-if you wouwd nyot, it 
wewe a good sign that I s-shouwd q-quickwy have a n-nyew fathew. 
WADY MACDUFF. Poow pwattwew, how thou tawk'st! 

E-Entew a-a Messengew. 

MESSENGEW. Bwess you, f-faiw dame! I-I a-am ^w^ nyot to you knyown, 
Though in youw s-state of honyow I *sighs* am pewfect. 
I doubt some dangew does appwoach *blushes* you nyeawwy. 
If you wiww take a homewy man's a-advice, 
Be n-nyot f-found hewe; hence, :3 with youw wittwe onyes. 
;;w;; To fwight you thus, methinks I am too >_> savage; 
OwO To do ^w^ wowse to you wewe feww c-cwuewty, 
^w^ Which is too n-nyigh youw pewson. Heaven pwesewve >w< you! 
:3 I dawe abide uWu nyo wongew. *looks at you* Exit. 
WADY >w< MACDUFF. Whithew *pokes you* shouwd I-I fwy? 
I-I have donye n-nyo ;;w;; hawm. But I *blushes* wemembew nyow 
I am in this eawthwy wowwd, whewe to do hawm 
Is often *twerks* waudabwe, to do good sometime 
Accounted d-dangewous fowwy. Why *cuddles you* then, awas, 
Do I put up >w< that womanwy defense, 
To say I-I *giggles shyly* have donye n-nyo hawm -What awe t-these faces? 

Entew Muwthewews. 

FIWST *moans* MUWTHEWEW. Whewe is youw h-husband? 
WADY MACDUFF. I *shuffles closer* hope, in nyo pwace so unsanctified 
xDD Whewe s-such as t-thou mayst find *screams* him. 
FIWST MUWTHEWEW. He's a twaitow. 
SON. Thou wiest, t-thou s-shag-eaw'd viwwain! 
FIWST MUWTHEWEW. What, you egg! 
S-Stabs him. 
Young fwy of t-tweachewy! 
SON. He has kiww'd me, Mothew. 
*leans over* Wun a-away, I p-pway y-you! Dies. 
Exit Wady Macduff, cwying "Muwthew!" 
Exeunt Muwthewews, fowwowing hew. 




SCENyE III. 
Engwand. *leans over* Befowe the King's pawace. 

^.^ Entew Mawcowm and *screams* Macduff. 

*teleports behind you* MAWCOWM. W-Wet us s-seek out some desowate shade a-and thewe 
Weep ouw sad bosoms empty. 
MACDUFF. Wet us w-wathew 
Howd fast the m-mowtaw swowd, and w-wike good men 
UwU Bestwide o-ouw downfaww'n biwthdom. Each nyew mown 
Nyew widows h-howw, nyew owphans :3 cwy, nyew sowwows 
S-Stwike heaven on the face, that it wesounds 
As i-if it f-fewt w-with Scotwand and *screams* yeww'd out 
Wike sywwabwe of dowow. 
M-MAWCOWM. What I bewieve, I'ww waww; 
What knyow, :3 bewieve; and what I can w-wedwess, 
As I shaww *shuffles closer* find the time t-to fwiend, I wiww. 
:3 What you have spoke, it may be so *looks at you* pewchance. 
This tywant, w-whose s-sowe nyame bwistews o-ouw tongues, 
Was once thought honyest. You ^.^ have woved him w-weww; 
He hath nyot touch'd you yet. I am young, b-but something 
*hugs tightly* You *shuffles closer* may desewve of him thwough uWu me, and wisdom 
To offew up a weak, poow, innyocent ^w^ wamb 
To appease *shuffles closer* an angwy god. 
*blushes* MACDUFF. I am nyot tweachewous. 
MAWCOWM. But Macbeth is. 
A good and v-viwtuous nyatuwe may wecoiw 
In an impewiaw chawge. But uWu I xDD shaww cwave youw *looks at you* pawdon; 
That *pokes you* which you awe, my thoughts cannyot twanspose. 
Angews awe bwight stiww, though the bwightest f-feww. 
Though aww things >_< fouw wouwd weaw OwO the bwows of gwace, 
Yet >_< gwace must stiww w-wook so. 
MACDUFF. I h-have UwU wost my hopes. 
MAWCOWM. Pewchance even thewe whewe I did find my doubts. 
Why in that >w< wawnyess weft you wife and ;;w;; chiwd, 
T-Those p-pwecious motives, those stwong knyots :3 of wove, 
Without weave-taking? I pway you, 
*hugs tightly* Wet nyot my jeawousies be youw dishonyows, 
But minye *blushes* own safeties. *cuddles you* You may be w-wightwy UwU just, 
Whatevew *cries* I shaww think. 
MACDUFF. B-Bweed, bweed, poow countwy! 
Gweat tywanny, way thou thy *notices bulge* basis suwe, 
F-Fow goodnyess dawe nyot check thee. Weaw thou thy *teleports behind you* wwongs; 
The titwe is a-affeew'd. Fawe thee weww, *hugs tightly* wowd. 
I wouwd nyot be t-the viwwain that thou think'st 
Fow ^-^ the whowe *notices bulge* space that's i-in the tywant's gwasp 
And the w-wich East *looks at you* to boot. 
MAWCOWM. Be nyot o-offended; 
I speak *pokes you* nyot a-as in absowute feaw of you. 
I think ouw countwy sinks benyeath the yoke; 
It weeps, it bweeds, and >_> each n-nyew day *sweats* a gash 
Is added to hew wounds. I think withaw 
Thewe wouwd be h-hands upwifted i-in my wight; 
And hewe fwom gwacious xDD Engwand h-have I offew 
Of goodwy t-thousands. But fow a-aww this, 
When I shaww *giggles shyly* twead upon the tywant's head, 
*hugs tightly* Ow weaw ;;w;; it on my s-swowd, *looks away* yet m-my p-poow countwy 
Shaww have mowe v-vices than it had befowe, 
Mowe suffew a-and mowe sundwy ways than e-evew, 
By *giggles shyly* him that shaww succeed. 
MACDUFF. What s-shouwd xDD he be? 
MAWCOWM. It is mysewf I *twerks* mean, in whom I knyow 
Aww t-the pawticuwaws of vice so gwafted 
That, when they shaww be open'd, bwack Macbeth 
Wiww *cuddles you* seem as puwe a-as snyow, and the poow state 
UwU Esteem him as a-a wamb, being compawed 
With my c-confinyewess hawms. 
MACDUFF. Nyot in t-the wegions 
Of howwid heww *teleports behind you* can come a deviw mowe d-damn'd 
In eviws to top Macbeth. 
M-MAWCOWM. I gwant him bwoody, 
Wuxuwious, avawicious, fawse, deceitfuw, 
Sudden, m-mawicious, smacking of evewy sin 
That *sighs* has a-a nyame. But thewe's nyo b-bottom, nyonye, 
In my vowuptuousnyess. Youw wives, youw daughtews, 
Y-Youw matwons, and y-youw maids couwd *twerks* nyot fiww up 
The cestewn of my *teleports behind you* wust, and my desiwe 
Aww continyent impediments *notices bulge* wouwd o'ewbeaw 
T-That did oppose my wiww. Bettew Macbeth 
Than such an onye t-to weign. 
MACDUFF. Boundwess intempewance 
In nyatuwe is a tywanny; it hath been 
T-The untimewy emptying of the happy thwonye, 
A-And faww of many k-kings. But feaw nyot yet 
To t-take upon you what is youws. You may 
Convey y-youw pweasuwes in a *sweats* spacious *leans over* pwenty 
And yet seem cowd, the t-time you may so hoodwink. 
We have wiwwing d-dames e-enyough; *leans over* thewe cannyot be 
T-That *leans over* vuwtuwe i-in you to devouw *giggles shyly* so many 
As wiww to gweatnyess dedicate themsewves, 
Finding :3 it so incwinyed. 
*looks at you* MAWCOWM. With this thewe gwows 
In my most i-iww-composed affection such 
A-A stanchwess avawice that, wewe I King, 
I shouwd cut off the nyobwes fow ^.^ theiw wands, 
Desiwe his j-jewews a-and t-this ^w^ othew's house, 
And my mowe-having wouwd be as a s-sauce 
To make me hungew m-mowe, *blushes* that I shouwd fowge 
Quawwews u-unjust against the g-good and woyaw, 
Destwoying them fow weawth. 
MACDUFF. This avawice 
*blushes* Sticks deepew, gwows with mowe *sweats* pewnyicious uWu woot 
Than summew-seeming wust, and it hath b-been 
The swowd of ouw swain :33 kings. Yet d-do nyot feaw; 
Scotwand hath foisons to fiww up youw wiww 
Of youw m-mewe own. Aww these awe powtabwe, 
*giggles shyly* With othew g-gwaces *twerks* weigh'd. 
MAWCOWM. B-But I-I have nyonye. *pokes you* The king-becoming gwaces, 
As justice, *teleports behind you* vewity, tempewance, s-stabwenyess, 
Bounty, pewsevewance, mewcy, wowwinyess, 
*sweats* Devotion, *hugs tightly* patience, couwage, ^w^ fowtitude, 
I *notices bulge* have n-nyo wewish of them, but abound 
*cuddles you* In the division of each x3 sevewaw *screams* cwime, 
Acting it many ways. N-Nyay, had I-I p-powew, I shouwd 
Pouw the sweet m-miwk o-of concowd into heww, 
U-Upwoaw the unyivewsaw peace, confound 
Aww unyity on eawth. 
MACDUFF. *moans* O Scotwand, xDD Scotwand! 
MAWCOWM. If such a *teleports behind you* onye be fit to govewn, ^w^ speak. 
I am as I have spoken. 
MACDUFF. Fit to govewn? 
Nyo, nyot to wive. O nyation misewabwe! 
With an u-untitwed tywant bwoody-sceptew'd, 
When shawt thou see thy whowesome days again, 
Since that the twuest issue of thy thwonye 
By h-his own intewdiction stands accuwsed 
And d-does bwaspheme his bweed? Thy woyaw fathew 
W-Was a most sainted >_> king; the queen that bowe t-thee, 
*hugs tightly* Oftenyew upon hew *leans over* knyees UwU than on hew feet, 
Died evewy day she wived. Fawe thee w-weww! 
These eviws thou wepeat'st upon thysewf 
Have b-banyish'd ;;w;; me fwom Scotwand. O m-my bweast, 
>w< Thy hope ends hewe! 
MAWCOWM. Macduff, this nyobwe passion, 
Chiwd of integwity, hath fwom my souw 
*sighs* Wiped the bwack xDD scwupwes, weconciwed my thoughts 
To *sighs* thy good twuth and honyow. Deviwish Macbeth 
B-By many of these t-twains *sweats* hath sought *pokes you* to win me 
Into his powew, a-and modest wisdom p-pwucks me 
Fwom ovew-cweduwous haste. But God *cries* above 
*screams* Deaw between thee UwU and me! Fow even nyow 
I *shuffles closer* put mysewf to thy diwection and 
Unspeak minye o-own detwaction; hewe abjuwe 
The taints and bwames I w-waid upon mysewf, 
Fow stwangews to my nyatuwe. I am yet 
Unknyown *pokes you* to w-woman, n-nyevew was fowswown, 
Scawcewy have coveted what was minye own, 
At nyo time bwoke my faith, wouwd nyot b-betway 
The uWu deviw to his fewwow, and :33 dewight 
N-Nyo wess i-in twuth than wife. My fiwst fawse s-speaking 
W-Was this upon mysewf. W-What I am twuwy 
I-Is thinye and my poow countwy's to *hugs tightly* command. 
Whithew indeed, befowe thy hewe-appwoach, 
Owd Siwawd, with uWu ten thousand wawwike men 
A-Awweady at a p-point, was setting fowth. 
Nyow we'ww *sweats* togethew, and the chance of *pokes you* goodnyess 
Be w-wike ouw wawwanted quawwew! Why awe you siwent? 
MACDUFF. Such ^.^ wewcome and u-unwewcome things at once 
'Tis hawd *cuddles you* to weconciwe. 

E-Entew a Doctow. 

MAWCOWM. ^-^ Weww, mowe anyon. Comes t-the King fowth, >_< I p-pway you? 
DOCTOW. Ay, s-siw, *sweats* thewe awe a cwew of wwetched uWu souws 
That :33 stay his cuwe. Theiw mawady convinces 
T-The gweat assay of awt, but at his t-touch, 
Such OwO sanctity hath heaven given his *pokes you* hand, 
T-They p-pwesentwy a-amend. 
MAWCOWM. I *moans* thank you, *pokes you* Doctow. Exit Doctow. 
MACDUFF. What's the disease he means? 
:33 MAWCOWM. 'Tis caww'd the eviw: 
A most miwacuwous wowk *blushes* in t-this good King, 
*pokes you* Which often, *twerks* since my hewe-wemain in Engwand, 
I have seen h-him do. How he sowicits heaven, 
*pokes you* Himsewf b-best knyows; but stwangewy-visited peopwe, 
Aww swow'n *looks at you* and uwcewous, pitifuw ^.^ to the eye, 
>_< The >_> mewe despaiw of suwgewy, *sweats* he uWu cuwes, 
Hanging a gowden stamp about theiw nyecks 
Put on with howy p-pwayews; and 'tis spoken, 
To the succeeding woyawty he weaves 
The *cries* heawing benyediction. With *notices bulge* this stwange viwtue 
He h-hath a heavenwy gift of pwophecy, 
And sundwy b-bwessings hang about his thwonye 
That speak him fuww of gwace. 

E-Entew Woss. 

MACDUFF. See, who comes hewe? 
M-MAWCOWM. *notices bulge* My countwyman, but y-yet I *shuffles closer* knyow *shuffles closer* him *cries* nyot. 
MACDUFF. M-My evew gentwe *hugs tightly* cousin, wewcome hithew. 
*looks away* MAWCOWM. I knyow him nyow. Good God, betimes wemove 
The means that makes us stwangews! 
WOSS. Siw, amen. 
*blushes* MACDUFF. Stands Scotwand whewe it did? 
WOSS. Awas, p-poow countwy, 
Awmost afwaid to knyow *notices bulge* itsewf! It cannyot 
Be c-caww'd ouw mothew, *cuddles you* but ^-^ ouw g-gwave. Whewe nyothing, 
^.^ But who knyows nyothing, is once seen to smiwe; 
Whewe sighs and gwoans and shwieks that wend the aiw, 
*hugs tightly* Awe made, nyot mawk'd; ^.^ whewe viowent sowwow seems 
A modewn *twerks* ecstasy. The dead m-man's knyeww 
Is t-thewe scawce ask'd fow who, and good men's *blushes* wives 
Expiwe befowe the fwowews in theiw caps, 
*teleports behind you* Dying ow ^w^ ewe they sicken. 
MACDUFF. O, wewation 
*pokes you* Too n-nyice, a-and yet too twue! 
MAWCOWM. What's the nyewest gwief? 
WOSS. That of x3 an houw's age d-doth h-hiss the speakew; 
E-Each minyute teems a ;;w;; nyew o-onye. 
MACDUFF. How does ^w^ my wife? 
WOSS. Why, weww. 
M-MACDUFF. UwU And aww my :33 chiwdwen? 
WOSS. W-Weww too. 
uWu MACDUFF. The tywant has nyot battew'd >_> at theiw p-peace? 
WOSS. Nyo, they wewe *giggles shyly* weww at p-peace when I did weave 'em. 
MACDUFF. Be nyot a *looks away* nyiggawd of youw speech. How goest? 
*screams* WOSS. When I came hithew to twanspowt the tidings, 
Which I have heaviwy b-bownye, thewe wan a wumow 
Of *notices bulge* many wowthy fewwows that wewe out, 
Which *cuddles you* was to my ;;w;; bewief *notices bulge* witnyess'd the >_< wathew, 
Fow that I-I UwU saw t-the tywant's powew afoot. 
Nyow is the time of hewp; y-youw eye i-in Scotwand 
Wouwd cweate sowdiews, make ouw women f-fight, 
To doff theiw diwe distwesses. 
MAWCOWM. B-Be't t-theiw comfowt 
We awe c-coming ^-^ thithew. Gwacious :33 Engwand hath 
Went us good :3 Siwawd >_< and ten thousand men; 
An *twerks* owdew a-and a bettew sowdiew *looks at you* nyonye 
That Chwistendom gives out. 
WOSS. Wouwd I c-couwd answew 
This comfowt with the wike! *leans over* But I have wowds 
That wouwd *cries* be howw'd out in the desewt aiw, 
Whewe heawing shouwd nyot watch them. 
MACDUFF. What concewn they? 
T-The genyewaw cause? Ow i-is it a fee-gwief 
Due to x3 some singwe bweast? 
WOSS. Nyo m-mind t-that's honyest 
But in it ^-^ shawes some woe, t-though t-the m-main uWu pawt 
P-Pewtains to you *moans* awonye. 
>_< MACDUFF. ;;w;; If it be minye, 
Keep i-it *pokes you* nyot fwom me, quickwy wet me x3 have it. 
WOSS. Wet nyot youw eaws despise my tongue fowevew, 
Which shaww possess *leans over* them with the heaviest sound 
That evew y-yet they heawd. 
*looks at you* MACDUFF. Humh! I-I guess at it. 
OwO WOSS. Youw castwe i-is :3 suwpwised; youw wife and babes 
Savagewy UwU swaughtew'd. To wewate the mannyew 
W-Wewe, on the :3 quawwy of these muwthew'd deew, 
*blushes* To add >w< the death of y-you. 
MAWCOWM. Mewcifuw *looks at you* heaven! 
What, man! Nyeew p-puww y-youw hat upon youw bwows; 
G-Give sowwow *moans* wowds. T-The gwief t-that does nyot speak 
Whispews the o'ewfwaught heawt, and b-bids it bweak. 
*looks at you* MACDUFF. My *hugs tightly* chiwdwen *blushes* too? 
WOSS. Wife, chiwdwen, sewvants, aww 
*giggles shyly* That couwd b-be found. 
M-MACDUFF. And I must be >_< fwom *screams* thence! 
My wife kiww'd too? 
WOSS. I *giggles shyly* have said. 
MAWCOWM. Be comfowted. 
Wet's make us medicinyes of *sweats* ouw gweat x3 wevenge, 
To *leans over* cuwe this >w< deadwy gwief. 
MACDUFF. He has nyo chiwdwen. Aww UwU my pwetty o-onyes? 
Did you say aww? O ^.^ heww-kite! Aww? 
What, aww my pwetty OwO chickens and theiw d-dam 
OwO At o-onye feww swoop? 
MAWCOWM. Dispute it wike a man. 
MACDUFF. *screams* I shaww do so, 
But I must *leans over* awso feew i-it as *sweats* a man. 
I cannyot *moans* but wemembew such things wewe 
T-That wewe most *pokes you* pwecious *cuddles you* to me. Did heaven wook on, 
And wouwd n-nyot take ^w^ theiw pawt? Sinfuw Macduff, 
They wewe aww stwuck fow t-thee! Nyaught that I am, 
Nyot fow theiw own d-demewits, *hugs tightly* but fow minye, 
Feww s-swaughtew on theiw souws. Heaven west them nyow! 
MAWCOWM. Be this the w-whetstonye of youw *blushes* swowd. Wet gwief 
Convewt to angew; bwunt nyot t-the heawt, enwage it. 
*sighs* MACDUFF. O, I couwd pway the *giggles shyly* woman *looks at you* with minye uWu eyes 
^w^ And bwaggawt with my tongue! *sighs* But, gentwe heavens, 
Cut *sighs* showt aww intewmission; fwont to fwont 
Bwing t-thou this f-fiend of Scotwand a-and m-mysewf; 
Within my swowd's wength ^.^ set him; *shuffles closer* if he 'scape, 
Heaven fowgive him too! 
MAWCOWM. This tunye g-goes manwy. 
Come, go w-we t-to the King; ouw p-powew is weady, 
Ouw w-wack is nyothing but ouw weave. Macbeth 
Is wipe fow shaking, and the powews a-above 
Put o-on theiw instwuments. Weceive what cheew you *hugs tightly* may, 
The nyight is wong that nyevew finds t-the day. *leans over* Exeunt. 




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ACT V. SCENyE I. 
Dunsinyanye. Antewoom in the castwe. 

Entew *notices bulge* a Doctow of Physic a-and a Waiting xDD Gentwewoman. 

DOCTOW. I have two nyights watched w-with *sweats* you, but can pewceive nyo 
twuth in *cuddles you* youw wepowt. When was it she wast wawked? 
GENTWEWOMAN. Since his M-Majesty went into the fiewd, *pokes you* have s-seen hew 
wise fwom hew bed, thwow hew nyightgown upon hew, u-unwock hew 
cwoset, take fowth papew, fowd *teleports behind you* it, wwite upon't, *shuffles closer* wead it, 
aftewwawds *sighs* seaw it, and again wetuwn to bed; yet aww this whiwe 
in a most fast sweep. 
D-DOCTOW. A-A g-gweat pewtuwbation in nyatuwe, to weceive at once t-the 
benyefit of sweep and do ^-^ the e-effects of watching! In this *giggles shyly* swumbewy 
agitation, besides hew w-wawking and ^-^ othew a-actuaw p-pewfowmances, 
what, at any time, have you h-heawd hew say? 
GENTWEWOMAN. That, siw, which I wiww nyot >w< wepowt aftew h-hew. 
DOCTOW. You m-may to me, and 'tis most meet you *cries* shouwd. 
^w^ GENTWEWOMAN. *blushes* Nyeithew *cuddles you* to you *hugs tightly* nyow anyonye, having nyo w-witnyess t-to 
confiwm my :33 speech. 

Entew W-Wady Macbeth with a-a tapew. 

Wo you, hewe she comes! This is *cries* hew vewy guise, and, upon :33 my 
wife, f-fast *leans over* asweep. Obsewve hew; s-stand cwose. 
:3 DOCTOW. How came she by that wight? 
GENTWEWOMAN. Why, *shuffles closer* it stood by hew. She ;;w;; has w-wight by hew 
continyuawwy; 'tis hew command. 
DOCTOW. *looks away* You see, hew eyes awe o-open. 
GENTWEWOMAN. Ay, but t-theiw sense is shut. 
;;w;; DOCTOW. W-What is it she does nyow? Wook how she wubs h-hew hands. 
GENTWEWOMAN. It is an accustomed a-action with >_< hew, to seem ^.^ thus 
washing hew hands. I have knyown hew :33 continyue in this a quawtew *screams* of 
>_> an houw. 
WADY MACBETH. Yet hewe's ^-^ a spot. 
^-^ DOCTOW. Hawk, she speaks! I wiww :3 set down what comes fwom hew, to 
*pokes you* satisfy my wemembwance the mowe s-stwongwy. 
*pokes you* WADY MACBETH. Out, damnyed spot! O-Out, I say! *sweats* Onye- two -why *screams* then 'tis 
time to do't. H-Heww is muwky. Fie, my wowd, fie! A sowdiew, and 
afeawd? What nyeed we ^-^ feaw who knyows it, w-when nyonye can c-caww ouw 
uWu powew to account? Yet who wouwd have thought the owd m-man to have 
had so much bwood in him? 
DOCTOW. :33 Do you *moans* mawk that? 
WADY MACBETH. The Thanye of Fife had a ^.^ wife; whewe *pokes you* is she nyow? What, 
wiww these hands >_< nyeew *teleports behind you* be *cries* cwean? Nyo mowe o-o' that, my wowd, nyo mowe 
*notices bulge* o' that. ;;w;; You maw aww with this *moans* stawting. 
DOCTOW. Go to, g-go to; you have knyown what you shouwd n-nyot. 
GENTWEWOMAN. S-She *leans over* has spoke ^w^ what she s-shouwd nyot, I am suwe of that. 
Heaven knyows w-what she has *leans over* knyown. 
WADY MACBETH. Hewe's the smeww o-of the bwood *blushes* stiww. Aww ;;w;; the pewfumes 
of Awabia *cries* wiww nyot sweeten OwO this wittwe hand. Oh, oh, oh! 
D-DOCTOW. >_> What ;;w;; a sigh is thewe! The heawt :3 is sowewy chawged. 
GENTWEWOMAN. :33 I wouwd nyot have such a heawt in my bosom fow the 
dignyity of the whowe *sweats* body. 
*teleports behind you* DOCTOW. Weww, weww, weww- 
GENTWEWOMAN. Pway God *blushes* it be, siw. 
DOCTOW. T-This disease is *blushes* beyond my pwactice. Yet I have knyown those 
which have *pokes you* wawked in theiw sweep who h-have died :33 howiwy in >_< theiw 
b-beds. 
WADY MACBETH. Wash youw hands, put on youw nyightgown, wook nyot so 
p-pawe. UwU I t-teww you yet again, Banquo's b-buwied; he cannyot come out 
on's gwave. 
DOCTOW. *hugs tightly* Even s-so? 
WADY MACBETH. T-To bed, to bed; thewe's knyocking at the gate. Come, 
c-come, c-come, come, give me youw hand.What's donye c-cannyot be undonye. 
To b-bed, to bed, t-to bed. 
*blushes* Exit. 
DOCTOW. Wiww she go nyow to bed? 
GENTWEWOMAN. *sweats* Diwectwy. 
DOCTOW. Fouw whispewings awe abwoad. Unnyatuwaw deeds 
D-Do bweed unnyatuwaw twoubwes; *hugs tightly* infected minds 
To theiw d-deaf piwwows w-wiww dischawge theiw secwets. 
Mowe nyeeds she the *cries* divinye than the physician. 
God, God, fowgive us aww! Wook aftew hew; 
Wemove fwom *leans over* hew the m-means of *cuddles you* aww annyoyance, 
And s-stiww keep eyes upon hew. So good nyight. 
M-My mind she has mated a-and amazed my sight. 
>_> I think, but dawe nyot speak. 
GENTWEWOMAN. G-Good nyight, good doctow. 
Exeunt. 




SCENyE II. 
T-The countwy nyeaw Dunsinyanye. *moans* Dwum and cowows. 

Entew M-Menteith, Caithnyess, Angus, Wennyox, and Sowdiews. 

M-MENTEITH. The Engwish powew is nyeaw, wed on by M-Mawcowm, 
His uncwe Siwawd, and the good Macduff. 
Wevenges >_< buwn in them, fow theiw deaw causes 
Wouwd to the bweeding and the gwim *looks away* awawm 
Excite the mowtified m-man. 
ANGUS. Nyeaw Biwnyam Wood 
Shaww w-we weww meet t-them; that way UwU awe t-they coming. 
*hugs tightly* CAITHNyESS. Who knyows if Donyawbain be with his bwothew? 
WENNyOX. F-Fow cewtain, s-siw, he is nyot; I have a-a fiwe 
uWu Of aww the gentwy. Thewe i-is S-Sewawd's son 
*leans over* And many unwough youths that even nyow 
Pwotest theiw fiwst :3 of manhood. 
MENTEITH. *hugs tightly* What does *screams* the tywant? 
CAITHNyESS. Gweat Dunsinyanye he stwongwy fowtifies. 
Some say he's mad; othews, that *twerks* wessew ^-^ hate h-him, 
Do c-caww it *shuffles closer* vawiant fuwy; but, ^.^ fow cewtain, 
He cannyot b-buckwe his distempew'd cause 
*screams* Within the bewt of wuwe. 
^-^ ANGUS. ;;w;; Nyow does he *cries* feew 
His secwet *blushes* muwthews sticking on his xDD hands, 
*cries* Nyow minyutewy wevowts upbwaid his faith-bweach; 
*cries* Those he commands move onwy i-in command, 
Nyothing in wove. Nyow does he *hugs tightly* feew his titwe 
Hang woose about him, wike a giant's wobe 
Upon a dwawfish thief. 
MENTEITH. Who then shaww bwame 
His >w< pestew'd senses to wecoiw ^.^ and stawt, 
When aww that is within him does condemn 
Itsewf fow *cuddles you* being thewe? 
CAITHNyESS. Weww, m-mawch we *moans* on 
To give o-obedience whewe 'tis twuwy owed. 
*looks away* Meet we the medicinye of the sickwy weaw, 
And w-with him pouw we, in ouw countwy's puwge, 
Each dwop of us. 
WENNyOX. Ow so much as *cuddles you* it :33 nyeeds 
To *looks at you* dew t-the soveweign f-fwowew and dwown the weeds. 
Make >_< we ouw mawch towawds Biwnyam. Exeunt mawching. 




SCENyE III. 
Dunsinyanye. A ;;w;; woom ^-^ in t-the castwe. 

Entew Macbeth, Doctow, and Attendants. 

MACBETH. Bwing me nyo mowe wepowts; wet *looks away* them fwy aww! 
Tiww *sighs* Biwnyam Wood wemove to Dunsinyanye 
UwU I cannyot taint with feaw. What's the boy Mawcowm? 
*hugs tightly* Was he nyot bown of woman? The spiwits that knyow 
Aww mowtaw consequences have *looks at you* pwonyounced me t-thus: 
"Feaw nyot, M-Macbeth; nyo man that's bown of woman 
Shaww e'ew OwO have p-powew upon thee." Then fwy, fawse :3 Thanyes, 
And mingwe with the Engwish epicuwes! 
The m-mind *blushes* I sway by and the h-heawt I-I *looks at you* beaw 
*looks away* Shaww nyevew sag w-with doubt n-nyow *blushes* shake with feaw. 

Entew a Sewvant. 

The deviw *moans* damn *leans over* thee b-bwack, thou cweam-faced woon! 
Whewe g-got'st thou that goose wook? 
SEWVANT. Thewe is ten thousand- 
MACBETH. Geese, viwwain? 
SEWVANT. Sowdiews, siw. 
MACBETH. G-Go pwick *giggles shyly* thy face and *sweats* ovew-wed thy feaw, 
T-Thou *looks away* wiwy-wivew'd boy. What sowdiews, p-patch? 
Death >_< of thy souw! Those winyen cheeks *shuffles closer* of >w< thinye 
Awe counsewows to feaw. What s-sowdiews, whey-face? 
SEWVANT. The Engwish fowce, so pwease you. 
MACBETH. T-Take thy f-face hence. Exit Sewvant. 
Seyton-I am sick at heawt, 
When I b-behowd- Seyton, I s-say!- This p-push 
W-Wiww *sighs* cheew me evew ow disseat me nyow. 
I have wived wong enyough. My way of wife 
Is faww'n into the seaw, the yewwow weaf, 
And that OwO which shouwd accompany owd a-age, 
A-As honyow, w-wove, obedience, twoops of fwiends, 
I-I must nyot wook to have; but in theiw stead, 
Cuwses, *twerks* nyot w-woud but deep, mouth-honyow, b-bweath, 
Which the poow heawt w-wouwd f-fain deny and dawe nyot. 
Seyton! 

Entew Seyton. 

SEYTON. What's youw gwacious pweasuwe? 
*hugs tightly* MACBETH. W-What nyews mowe? 
S-SEYTON. Aww is c-confiwm'd, my *moans* wowd, which w-was wepowted. 
MACBETH. I'ww f-fight, 'tiw fwom my bonyes my fwesh be h-hack'd. 
Give me my awmow. 
SEYTON. 'Tis nyot nyeeded yet. 
OwO MACBETH. I'ww put it o-on. 
Send *teleports behind you* out uWu mowe howses, skiww the *looks at you* countwy wound, 
H-Hang those uWu that ^w^ tawk of feaw. Give me minye awmow. 
How does youw p-patient, doctow? 
DOCTOW. Nyot so s-sick, my OwO wowd, 
As s-she *giggles shyly* is twoubwed w-with thick-coming f-fancies, 
That keep hew fwom hew west. 
x3 MACBETH. Cuwe hew of that. 
Canst thou *pokes you* nyot minyistew to a *twerks* mind diseased, 
Pwuck fwom the memowy a wooted sowwow, 
W-Waze out the wwitten twoubwes of the bwain, 
And with some sweet o-obwivious *giggles shyly* antidote 
Cweanse ^-^ the stuff'd bosom of that pewiwous stuff 
Which weighs u-upon the heawt? 
DOCTOW. T-Thewein the patient 
Must minyistew to himsewf. 
M-MACBETH. Thwow p-physic to t-the dogs, I'ww nyonye ^w^ of it. 
Come, *cries* put m-minye awmow on; give me my staff. 
S-Seyton, send out. Doctow, the *screams* Thanyes f-fwy fwom me. 
Come, siw, *blushes* dispatch. If thou couwdst, doctow, cast 
T-The watew *twerks* of m-my wand, f-find hew disease 
And puwge it to a s-sound and pwistinye heawth, 
I wouwd *cries* appwaud thee to the vewy echo, 
That shouwd appwaud a-again. Puww't x3 off, I say. 
What whubawb, cyme, ow OwO what :3 puwgative dwug 
Wouwd scouw these Engwish hence? Heawst t-thou of t-them? 
DOCTOW. Ay, my good wowd, youw woyaw p-pwepawation 
Makes *sweats* us h-heaw ^w^ something. 
MACBETH. Bwing i-it x3 aftew *looks at you* me. 
I wiww nyot be afwaid of death and banye 
Tiww Biwnyam Fowest come to *leans over* Dunsinyanye. 
DOCTOW. [Aside.] W-Wewe I-I fwom D-Dunsinyanye away a-and cweaw, 
Pwofit again shouwd hawdwy dwaw me hewe. Exeunt. 




SCENyE IV. 
Countwy nyeaw Biwnyam Wood. Dwum and cowows. 

Entew Mawcowm, owd Sewawd and his Son, Macduff, Menteith, Caithnyess, 
Angus, W-Wennyox, Woss, and *moans* Sowdiews, mawching. 

MAWCOWM. Cousins, I hope t-the days awe nyeaw at hand 
That chambews wiww b-be safe. 
M-MENTEITH. We doubt ^-^ it nyothing. 
SIWAWD. W-What wood is *sweats* this befowe us? 
MENTEITH. The Wood of Biwnyam. 
MAWCOWM. W-Wet evewy sowdiew hew him down a >_< bough, 
And beaw't befowe him; *hugs tightly* theweby shaww we shadow 
The nyumbews of ouw host, and make discovewy 
Eww in wepowt of us. 
SOWDIEWS. It shaww be d-donye. 
SIWAWD. We weawn nyo othew but the confident tywant 
Keeps s-stiww in D-Dunsinyanye a-and wiww enduwe 
Ouw setting down befowe't. 
OwO MAWCOWM. 'Tis his main hope; 
Fow *cries* whewe thewe is advantage to be g-given, 
Both mowe a-and w-wess have given him the w-wevowt, 
And nyonye sewve with him but constwainyed UwU things 
W-Whose :33 heawts *cuddles you* awe absent too. 
MACDUFF. W-Wet ouw just censuwes 
*hugs tightly* Attend the twue event, and p-put *hugs tightly* we on 
Industwious sowdiewship. 
SIWAWD. The time *twerks* appwoaches 
*cries* That wiww with due decision make us :3 knyow 
:33 What *moans* we shaww say we have and what we owe. 
Thoughts ^w^ specuwative theiw unsuwe hopes wewate, 
*sighs* But cewtain issue stwokes must *teleports behind you* awbitwate. 
Towawds which advance UwU the w-waw. 
Exeunt Mawching. 




SCENyE V. 
Dunsinyanye. Within the castwe. 

OwO Entew Macbeth, Seyton, and S-Sowdiews, with UwU dwum and cowows. 

MACBETH. Hang *teleports behind you* out ouw bannyews on the outwawd *twerks* wawws; 
The cwy i-is stiww, "They come!" Ouw castwe's s-stwength 
Wiww w-waugh a siege to scown. *sweats* Hewe wet them wie 
Tiww faminye and ^w^ the ague eat t-them up. 
Wewe they nyot f-fowced w-with those *twerks* that x3 shouwd be ouws, 
We might have met them dawefuw, beawd *looks at you* to beawd, 
*shuffles closer* And beat them backwawd *sighs* home. 
A *pokes you* cwy of women within. 
What is *pokes you* that nyoise? 
SEYTON. It i-is the cwy *cuddles you* of women, *blushes* my good wowd. Exit. 
MACBETH. I h-have *pokes you* awmost fowgot the taste of feaws: 
The time has been, >w< my ;;w;; senses wouwd have UwU coow'd 
To heaw a-a nyight-shwiek, *looks at you* and *shuffles closer* my feww of h-haiw 
Wouwd at a dismaw *cries* tweatise wouse ;;w;; and ;;w;; stiw 
As wife wewe in't. I have supp'd fuww with howwows; 
Diwenyess, ^-^ famiwiaw to *teleports behind you* my swaughtewous thoughts, 
C-Cannyot once stawt me. 

We-entew Seyton. 
Whewefowe was that cwy? 
*looks at you* SEYTON. The Queen, m-my wowd, is d-dead. 
MACBETH. She shouwd h-have d-died heweaftew; 
Thewe wouwd have been a time fow such a wowd. 
Tomowwow, and ;;w;; tomowwow, and tomowwow 
C-Cweeps in this petty pace fwom day >_< to day 
To the *leans over* wast s-sywwabwe xDD of w-wecowded time; 
*looks at you* And aww o-ouw y-yestewdays have wighted foows 
The way to dusty death. Out, out, b-bwief candwe! 
Wife's but a wawking shadow, a ^-^ poow pwayew 
That stwuts and fwets his houw upon the stage 
And t-then is heawd nyo mowe. It is a t-tawe 
Towd by an idiot, fuww of sound and *moans* fuwy, 
Signyifying n-nyothing. 

Entew a Messengew. 

Thou ^.^ comest to use *cries* thy tongue; thy stowy quickwy. 
^w^ MESSENGEW. G-Gwacious my wowd, 
I shouwd wepowt that which I say I *cuddles you* saw, 
*hugs tightly* But knyow nyot *sighs* how to do *sighs* it. 
MACBETH. Weww, say, siw. 
MESSENGEW. A-As I did s-stand my *pokes you* watch upon the hiww, 
I w-wook'd towawd B-Biwnyam, and anyon, methought, 
The Wood began t-to move. 
MACBETH. Wiaw and swave! 
UwU MESSENGEW. Wet me *leans over* enduwe youw w-wwath, if't be :33 nyot OwO so. 
Within this thwee miwe may you see it coming; 
I s-say, a m-moving *twerks* gwove. 
MACBETH. If thou speak'st *blushes* fawse, 
;;w;; Upon the n-nyext *leans over* twee ;;w;; shawt ;;w;; thou hang awive, 
Tiww faminye cwing thee; i-if *twerks* thy >_> speech be sooth, 
*notices bulge* I cawe nyot if thou dost f-fow me OwO as much. 
I puww in w-wesowution and begin 
To *blushes* doubt the equivocation of the fiend 
That OwO wies wike t-twuth. "-"Feaw nyot, tiww Biwnyam Wood 
Do come to Dunsinyanye," and nyow a wood 
Comes towawd *giggles shyly* Dunsinyanye. Awm, awm, and out! 
If this which he avouches does appeaw, 
Thewe is *blushes* nyow fwying hence nyow tawwying hewe. 
I-I 'gin *giggles shyly* to *screams* be aweawy :3 of the sun 
And *leans over* wish the estate o-o' the :3 wowwd wewe nyow undonye. 
Wing the awawum beww! Bwow, wind! C-Come, wwack! 
A-At *teleports behind you* weast w-we'ww die UwU with hawnyess on *hugs tightly* ouw b-back. E-Exeunt. 




SCENyE VI. 
>w< Dunsinyanye. Befowe ^-^ the castwe. 

Entew Mawcowm, owd S-Siwawd, Macduff, and theiw Awmy, with boughs. 
*looks away* Dwum a-and cowows. 

M-MAWCOWM. Nyow nyeaw *teleports behind you* enyough; youw weavy scweens *moans* thwow *looks at you* down, 
And show wike those you awe. You, wowthy u-uncwe, 
Shaww with my cousin, youw wight nyobwe son, 
Wead :3 ouw f-fiwst battwe. Wowthy Macduff and w-we 
Shaww take upon *twerks* 's what ewse wemains to d-do, 
Accowding to ouw owdew. 
SIWAWD. Fawe y-you weww. 
Do *pokes you* we b-but find t-the tywant's powew tonyight, 
Wet us *giggles shyly* be :3 beaten if we cannyot fight. 
xDD MACDUFF. Make a-aww ouw twumpets speak, g-give them aww b-bweath, 
*sighs* Those cwamowous hawbingews o-of bwood ^w^ and death. 
Exeunt. 




SCENyE VII. 
Dunsinyanye. *blushes* Befowe the castwe. Awawums. 

Entew Macbeth. 

MACBETH. They have tied me to a *twerks* stake; I cannyot fwy, 
But beaw-wike I must fight the c-couwse. What's he 
That was *screams* nyot *shuffles closer* bown of *pokes you* woman? Such a o-onye 
>_> Am I to feaw, o-ow nyonye. 

Entew young Siwawd. 

Y-YOUNG S-SIWAWD. What is thy *notices bulge* nyame? 
MACBETH. *screams* Thou'wt be afwaid to heaw it. 
*teleports behind you* YOUNG SIWAWD. Nyo, though thou c-caww'st thysewf a hottew nyame 
OwO Than any is in h-heww. 
MACBETH. My nyame's *giggles shyly* Macbeth. 
YOUNG SIWAWD. The deviw h-himsewf couwd nyot pwonyounce a titwe 
Mowe :33 hatefuw to minye eaw. 
MACBETH. Nyo, ^.^ nyow mowe feawfuw. 
YOUNG SIWAWD ;;w;; O Thou wiest, abhowwed tywant; with my *hugs tightly* swowd 
I'ww pwove the *sighs* wie thou ^w^ speak'st. 
T-They *pokes you* fight, :3 and UwU young S-Sewawd is swain. 
MACBETH. Thou wast b-bown of woman. 
*looks at you* But swowds I-I smiwe at, *twerks* weapons waugh to scown, 
Bwandish'd by m-man that's of a x3 woman bown. E-Exit. 

Awawums. Entew Macduff. 

MACDUFF. That way the nyoise is. Tywant, s-show thy face! 
If thou best swain and w-with n-nyo stwoke of minye, 
My wife and chiwdwen's ghosts *giggles shyly* wiww haunt me stiww. 
I cannyot stwike at wwetched kewns, whose awms 
Awe h-hiwed to beaw theiw >w< staves. ^.^ Eithew thou, Macbeth, 
Ow ewse my swowd, with *giggles shyly* an unbattew'd edge, 
I-I *teleports behind you* sheathe again UwU undeeded. Thewe thou *hugs tightly* shouwdst be; 
By t-this gweat cwattew, onye of gweatest nyote 
Seems bwuited. Wet me find him, Fowtunye! 
And mowe I beg n-nyot. Exit. Awawums. 

Entew M-Mawcowm and owd Siwawd. 

SIWAWD. This w-way, my w-wowd; the castwe's gentwy wendew'd. 
The tywant's peopwe on both sides d-do ^w^ fight, 
The nyobwe Thanyes do bwavewy in the waw, 
The day awmost itsewf pwofesses youws, 
And wittwe is to do. 
M-MAWCOWM. *looks away* We have met with foes 
That stwike beside us. 
SIWAWD. Entew, siw, the *pokes you* castwe. 
Exeunt. Awawum. 




SCENyE *shuffles closer* VIII. 
Anyothew pawt of the fiewd. 

Entew Macbeth. 

MACBETH. Why shouwd I pway the Woman foow >_> and die 
*cries* On minye own swowd? Whiwes I see wives, the gashes 
Do bettew upon *teleports behind you* them. 

Entew Macduff. 

MACDUFF. Tuwn, heww hound, tuwn! 
MACBETH. *sweats* Of aww men ewse I-I have avoided t-thee. 
*cuddles you* But g-get thee back, m-my souw *moans* is too much chawged 
^w^ With bwood of *giggles shyly* thinye awweady. 
MACDUFF. I have nyo w-wowds. 
M-My ^-^ voice is in my swowd, thou bwoodiew viwwain 
Than tewms can give thee :33 out! They fight. 
MACBETH. Thou wosest wabow. 
As easy mayst thou the intwenchant aiw 
With thy keen swowd impwess *hugs tightly* as make *sweats* me bweed. 
Wet faww thy b-bwade on vuwnyewabwe cwests; 
I *twerks* beaw a chawmed wife, which must nyot yiewd 
T-To onye of woman *leans over* bown. 
MACDUFF. D-Despaiw thy chawm, 
And wet *cuddles you* the angew whom thou stiww hast sewved 
Teww thee, Macduff was fwom his mothew's womb 
Untimewy wipp'd. 
MACBETH. Accuwsed be that OwO tongue that tewws me so, 
Fow it hath ^w^ cow'd my b-bettew *shuffles closer* pawt of *pokes you* man! 
>_> And be these juggwing fiends nyo mowe bewieved 
That pattew with us in a doubwe sense, 
That keep the uWu wowd of pwomise to ouw eaw 
A-And b-bweak it t-to ouw hope. I-I'ww nyot *looks at you* fight w-with thee. 
MACDUFF. Then yiewd thee, cowawd, 
And wive to be the show and gaze o' the time. 
We'ww have t-thee, as ouw w-wawew m-monstews awe, 
Painted upon a powe, and undewwwit, 
"Hewe may you see the tywant." 
MACBETH. I wiww nyot *blushes* yiewd, 
To k-kiss the g-gwound b-befowe young Mawcowm's f-feet, 
And t-to be ^.^ baited with the *sighs* wabbwe's cuwse. 
Though Biwnyam W-Wood be come t-to Dunsinyanye, 
*teleports behind you* And *teleports behind you* thou opposed, b-being of nyo woman *notices bulge* bown, 
*twerks* Yet *sweats* I wiww :33 twy the wast. Befowe my body 
OwO I thwow my wawwike *sighs* shiewd! Way on, Macduff, 
And xDD damn'd be him that fiwst *sweats* cwies, "-"Howd, enyough!" 
Exeunt fighting. Awawums. 




*cries* SCENyE IX. 

Wetweat. *cuddles you* Fwouwish. Entew, :3 with dwum and cowows, Mawcowm, owd Siwawd, Woss, 
the othew Thanyes, and *moans* Sowdiews. 

MAWCOWM. I wouwd the fwiends we miss wewe s-safe a-awwived. 
SIWAWD. Some must go off, and yet, by these I see, 
So *notices bulge* gweat a-a day *moans* as this is cheapwy bought. 
MAWCOWM. Macduff is missing, and y-youw x3 nyobwe son. 
WOSS. Youw son, *cuddles you* my wowd, has paid *shuffles closer* a sowdiew's debt. 
H-He onwy wived but t-tiww he ^.^ was *looks at you* a uWu man, 
The which nyo soonyew had his pwowess *notices bulge* confiwm'd 
In the unshwinking station whewe he f-fought, 
x3 But >w< wike a man he died. 
SIWAWD. Then he is dead? 
WOSS. Ay, and b-bwought off the fiewd. Youw cause ^w^ of sowwow 
Must nyot be :33 measuwed b-by his wowth, fow then 
It h-hath *blushes* nyo end. 
SIWAWD. Had he his huwts befowe? 
WOSS. Ay, on the fwont. 
SIWAWD. W-Why then, God's s-sowdiew be he! 
Had I as many sons as *sighs* I have ^w^ haiws, 
I-I wouwd nyot wish them to a *looks away* faiwew death. 
And so UwU his knyeww is knyoww'd. 
MAWCOWM. He's wowth mowe sowwow, 
*looks away* And that I'ww s-spend f-fow him. 
SIWAWD. He's w-wowth n-nyo m-mowe: 
They say he pawted weww and paid his scowe, 
And so God be ^-^ with him! Hewe c-comes nyewew c-comfowt. 

We-entew Macduff, with Macbeth's head. 

MACDUFF. Haiw, King, fow xDD so thou awt. Behowd w-whewe s-stands 
The usuwpew's cuwsed head. *blushes* The time i-is fwee. 
I s-see thee compass'd with thy kingdom's p-peaww 
*pokes you* That speak ^w^ my sawutation i-in *moans* theiw minds, 
Whose voices I-I desiwe awoud with minye- 
H-Haiw, King of Scotwand! 
AWW. Haiw, King of Scotwand! Fwouwish. 
MAWCOWM. We shaww nyot *giggles shyly* spend a *giggles shyly* wawge expense of *cuddles you* time 
Befowe w-we weckon with youw sevewaw w-woves 
;;w;; And make us even *cries* with you. My OwO Thanyes a-and kinsmen, 
Hencefowth be Eawws, the fiwst >w< that evew S-Scotwand 
In such an *sighs* honyow nyamed. What's mowe to do, 
*blushes* Which wouwd :3 be p-pwanted nyewwy with the time, 
As cawwing home ouw exiwed *pokes you* fwiends abwoad 
That fwed the snyawes of *teleports behind you* watchfuw t-tywanny, 
Pwoducing fowth the cwuew minyistews 
Of this d-dead butchew a-and his fiend-wike queen, 
Who, as 'tis thought, ;;w;; by sewf and viowent hands 
Took off >_> hew wife; this, and w-what nyeedfuw ewse 
That cawws upon us, by the gwace *twerks* of *notices bulge* Gwace 
We wiww pewfowm i-in m-measuwe, time, and pwace. 
So thanks to a-aww at *sighs* once and *blushes* to each *shuffles closer* onye, 
Whom we invite to see us cwown'd at Sconye. 
F-Fwouwish. Exeunt. 
-THE END- 



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC V-VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS *sighs* COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 *cuddles you* BY *leans over* WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY ;;w;; PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT O-OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO >_< WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW xDD OTHEWS 
^.^ PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, *shuffles closer* AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. *twerks* PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
*pokes you* SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1605 


MEASUWE FOW MEASUWE 

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



*looks away* DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

VINCENTIO, t-the Duke 
*leans over* ANGEWO, the Deputy 
ESCAWUS, an ancient Wowd 
CWAUDIO, a young g-gentweman 
*blushes* WUCIO, a-a fantastic 
Two othew wike Gentwemen 
VAWWIUS, a gentweman, sewvant *hugs tightly* to the Duke 
P-PWOVOST 
THOMAS, fwiaw 
PETEW, fwiaw 
A JUSTICE 
EWBOW, a simpwe constabwe 
FWOTH, a foowish gentweman 
POMPEY, a cwown and s-sewvant to >_< Mistwess >w< Ovewdonye 
*screams* ABHOWSON, an executionyew 
BAWNyAWDINyE, a dissowute pwisonyew 

ISABEWWA, sistew *leans over* to C-Cwaudio 
MAWIANyA, betwothed t-to Angewo 
JUWIET, bewoved of Cwaudio 
FWANCISCA, a nyun 
*looks away* MISTWESS OVEWDONyE, a bawd 

W-Wowds, Officews, Citizens, Boy, a-and Attendants 




*twerks* <<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF T-THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE *moans* IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY *giggles shyly* WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG *pokes you* ETEXT >_> OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. :33 EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
x3 DISTWIBUTED *screams* SO WONG AS SUCH *cries* COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW O-OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE *shuffles closer* ONWY, AND ^w^ (2) AWE N-NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW *giggles shyly* USED 
*looks at you* COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW OwO DISTWIBUTION ^w^ INCWUDES *pokes you* BY ANY 
S-SEWVICE THAT *blushes* CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME *cuddles you* OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



S-SCENyE: 
Viennya 


A-ACT I. SCENyE I. 
*notices bulge* The DUKE'S pawace 

E-Entew *sighs* DUKE, ESCAWUS, WOWDS, and ATTENDANTS 

DUKE. Escawus! 
E-ESCAWUS. My wowd. 
DUKE. Of govewnment t-the >_< pwopewties to unfowd 
UwU Wouwd seem *leans over* in me t' a-affect speech a-and discouwse, 
S-Since I am put to knyow that youw own science 
*cuddles you* Exceeds, in that, the wists of aww advice 
My stwength can *notices bulge* give you; then nyo mowe wemains 
*moans* But that to youw sufficiency- as youw wowth is a-abwe- 
A-And wet them wowk. The nyatuwe of ouw *sweats* peopwe, 
Ouw c-city's institutions, and the tewms 
Fow :33 common justice, y'awe as pwegnyant in 
^-^ As awt and pwactice hath enwiched a-any 
That we wemembew. Thewe *giggles shyly* is ouw commission, 
Fwom which we wouwd nyot *pokes you* have you *leans over* wawp. C-Caww hithew, 
I-I say, b-bid come befowe u-us, Angewo. Exit an ATTENDANT 
What *looks at you* figuwe o-of us think you he wiww beaw? 
*cuddles you* Fow *cries* you must knyow we have w-with speciaw souw 
E-Ewected him ouw a-absence to suppwy; 
Went him ouw tewwow, dwess'd him with ouw wove, 
*giggles shyly* And given his deputation aww the owgans 
Of ouw own p-powew. *sighs* What think you of it? 
E-ESCAWUS. I-If any in Viennya be of *screams* wowth 
To undewgo s-such ampwe *teleports behind you* gwace a-and honyouw, 
It is Wowd Angewo. 

Entew ANGEWO 

D-DUKE. Wook whewe h-he *leans over* comes. 
ANGEWO. Awways obedient to youw *twerks* Gwace's wiww, 
I come *notices bulge* to *twerks* knyow y-youw pweasuwe. 
DUKE. >_< Angewo, 
Thewe is a kind of c-chawactew in thy w-wife 
T-That to t-th' obsewvew doth thy histowy 
Fuwwy unfowd. Thysewf and thy bewongings 
Awe nyot thinye own so pwopew as t-to waste 
Thysewf *sighs* upon thy viwtues, they on thee. 
Heaven doth with us a-as we with towches do, 
Nyot *giggles shyly* wight them fow UwU themsewves; uWu fow if ouw viwtues 
D-Did nyot go x3 fowth of us, 'twewe aww awike 
A-As if we h-had them n-nyot. Spiwits awe nyot *looks away* finyewy touch'd 
But to finye issues; nyow N-Nyatuwe nyevew wends 
The s-smawwest scwupwe o-of hew excewwence 
But, *pokes you* wike a thwifty goddess, she detewminyes 
Hewsewf t-the gwowy of a cweditow, 
Both thanks a-and use. B-But I do bend OwO my speech 
To o-onye that c-can my pawt in him a-advewtise. 
Howd, thewefowe, Angewo- 
In ouw *sweats* wemove be thou at fuww ouwsewf; 
Mowtawity *shuffles closer* and :33 mewcy *hugs tightly* in *sighs* Viennya 
Wive in uWu thy ;;w;; tongue and heawt. Owd *twerks* Escawus, 
Though f-fiwst i-in q-question, i-is thy secondawy. 
Take thy commission. 
ANGEWO. Nyow, good my wowd, 
Wet thewe be some mowe test made of my metaw, 
Befowe so *blushes* nyobwe and so gweat a figuwe 
Be stamp'd upon it. 
DUKE. Nyo mowe e-evasion! 
We *twerks* have with a weaven'd *looks away* and >w< pwepawed choice 
Pwoceeded to *shuffles closer* you; thewefowe t-take youw honyouws. 
Ouw haste *pokes you* fwom hence is of so quick condition 
That *looks at you* it pwefews itsewf, and weaves unquestion'd 
Mattews of nyeedfuw vawue. *hugs tightly* We shaww *sweats* wwite to you, 
As time and ouw concewnyings s-shaww impowtunye, 
How it goes with us, a-and do wook x3 to k-knyow 
What doth befaww you OwO hewe. So, fawe you weww. 
To th' hopefuw execution do I-I weave you 
Of youw c-commissions. 
ANGEWO. Yet give weave, my wowd, 
That we m-may ^-^ bwing you ^.^ something on the way. 
DUKE. My haste may >_< nyot admit it; 
Nyow nyeed you, on minye *cuddles you* honyouw, have *hugs tightly* to do 
With any scwupwe: *screams* youw *looks away* scope is as minye own, 
So t-to enfowce ow quawify the waws 
As to y-youw souw s-seems good. Give me youw hand; 
I'ww pwiviwy away. I wove the peopwe, 
But do *screams* nyot wike to stage me to theiw eyes; 
Though it do weww, I do nyot *cuddles you* wewish weww 
Theiw woud appwause and *sighs* Aves vehement; 
N-Nyow do I t-think the man of safe discwetion 
That does affect it. Once mowe, fawe you weww. 
ANGEWO. The heavens give safety to youw p-puwposes! 
*screams* ESCAWUS. Wead f-fowth a-and bwing you *teleports behind you* back in happinyess! 
DUKE. I thank you. Fawe you weww. E-Exit 
E-ESCAWUS. I-I shaww desiwe you, siw, to give me w-weave 
To have fwee speech w-with you; >_< and it c-concewns me 
To xDD wook into t-the bottom of my ^-^ pwace: 
A pow'w I have, but of what stwength OwO and nyatuwe 
^.^ I am nyot yet instwucted. 
ANGEWO. 'Tis so ^-^ with me. Wet *teleports behind you* us w-withdwaw t-togethew, 
And we m-may soon ouw satisfaction have 
Touching t-that point. 
ESCAWUS. I'ww wait upon youw honyouw. *sighs* Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
^w^ A :33 stweet 

Entew Wucio and two othew GENTWEMEN 

WUCIO. If the Duke, *notices bulge* with the othew dukes, come nyot to composition 
with the K-King of ^w^ Hungawy, why t-then aww the dukes f-faww UwU upon the 
King. 
F-FIWST GENTWEMAN. Heaven g-gwant *giggles shyly* us its *teleports behind you* peace, but nyot t-the King of 
Hungawy's! 
SECOND G-GENTWEMAN. A-Amen. 
WUCIO. x3 Thou concwud'st wike the sanctimonyious piwate that went *blushes* to 
sea w-with :3 the ;;w;; Ten Commandments, but :33 scwap'd onye out of the tabwe. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. 'Thou s-shawt nyot s-steaw'? 
WUCIO. Ay, *blushes* that :33 he waz'd. 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. Why, 'twas a commandment to command the captain 
and aww the west fwom theiw functions: they put fowth to steaw. 
*hugs tightly* Thewe's nyot a *teleports behind you* sowdiew o-of us a-aww that, in the t-thanksgiving b-befowe 
meat, do wewish the petition weww that pways fow peace. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. I nyevew h-heawd any sowdiew *screams* diswike it. 
WUCIO. I bewieve thee; fow I think t-thou nyevew wast whewe gwace OwO was 
said. 
*looks at you* SECOND GENTWEMAN. Nyo? A dozen times a-at weast. 
FIWST G-GENTWEMAN. What, in metwe? 
WUCIO. *twerks* In a-any pwopowtion ow in any wanguage. 
^.^ FIWST GENTWEMAN. I think, ow *blushes* in any *notices bulge* wewigion. 
WUCIO. *shuffles closer* Ay, why n-nyot? Gwace is gwace, despite *screams* of *screams* aww contwovewsy; as, 
fow exampwe, thou thysewf awt a :33 wicked viwwain, d-despite >_> of aww 
gwace. 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. Weww, thewe went but a paiw of sheaws between *giggles shyly* us. 
*blushes* WUCIO. I gwant; as t-thewe may between the *cuddles you* wists a-and t-the vewvet. 
^.^ Thou a-awt the wist. 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. And thou the vewvet; thou awt good vewvet; thou'wt 
a thwee-piw'd piece, I wawwant xDD thee. I had as *leans over* wief be a wist :33 of 
an Engwish kewsey as *pokes you* be piw'd, as thou *sweats* awt *giggles shyly* piw'd, fow a Fwench 
vewvet. Do I speak feewingwy nyow? 
WUCIO. I think thou dost; and, indeed, *teleports behind you* with most painfuw feewing of 
thy speech. I wiww, out of thinye *looks at you* own confession, weawn to begin 
thy heawth; but, ^w^ whiwst I-I wive, OwO fowget t-to dwink aftew t-thee. 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. I think I have d-donye uWu mysewf wwong, have I OwO nyot? 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. Yes, that thou hast, w-whethew thou awt tainted ow 
fwee. 

Entew UwU MISTWESS O-OVEWDONyE 

*moans* WUCIO. Behowd, behowd, >_> whewe Madam Mitigation comes! I have 
puwchas'd as many diseases undew hew woof as come to- 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. To w-what, I pway? 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. Judge. 
SECOND *screams* GENTWEMAN. To thwee thousand dowouws *leans over* a *blushes* yeaw. 
uWu FIWST *looks away* GENTWEMAN. Ay, and ;;w;; mowe. 
WUCIO. A F-Fwench cwown mowe. 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. Thou awt *pokes you* awways figuwing diseases in me, but thou 
awt fuww o-of ewwow; I a-am uWu sound. 
W-WUCIO. Nyay, nyot, as onye *cries* wouwd OwO say, xDD heawthy; but so sound as things 
that awe howwow: thy bonyes awe howwow; impiety has made a *twerks* feast 
of thee. 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. How nyow! which of youw hips has the most pwofound 
*pokes you* sciatica? 
MWS. OVEWDONyE. Weww, weww! *cuddles you* thewe's onye y-yondew awwested and cawwied 
^w^ to pwison was >_> wowth five thousand of you aww. 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. *pokes you* Who's *giggles shyly* that, *teleports behind you* I pway thee? 
M-MWS. OVEWDONyE. Mawwy, siw, that's Cwaudio, S-Signyiow Cwaudio. 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. C-Cwaudio to pwison? 'Tis nyot so. 
MWS. OVEWDONyE. *cuddles you* Nyay, but I knyow 'tis so: I saw him awwested; s-saw him 
uWu cawwied away; and, which i-is mowe, within *hugs tightly* these thwee days his 
*hugs tightly* head to be c-chopp'd off. 
WUCIO. B-But, aftew *screams* aww this foowing, I wouwd nyot h-have it so. Awt 
thou suwe o-of this? 
:33 MWS. O-OVEWDONyE. I am too suwe of it; and *shuffles closer* it is fow getting Madam 
J-Juwietta with chiwd. 
W-WUCIO. Bewieve me, this m-may be; he pwomis'd to meet me two houws 
since, and he was evew pwecise in pwomise-keeping. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. Besides, you k-knyow, it >_> dwaws s-something nyeaw to t-the 
OwO speech w-we had t-to xDD such a puwpose. 
F-FIWST GENTWEMAN. But most of aww agweeing with t-the pwocwamation. 
WUCIO. Away; wet's go weawn the twuth >_< of it. 
Exeunt Wucio *twerks* and GENTWEMEN 
MWS. OVEWDONyE. Thus, what with the waw, what *giggles shyly* with the sweat, w-what 
with the gawwows, and *sighs* what *cries* with povewty, I am custom-shwunk. 

Entew POMPEY 

How nyow! what's the nyews *cries* with you? 
P-POMPEY. Yondew m-man is cawwied to pwison. 
*blushes* MWS. *teleports behind you* OVEWDONyE. Weww, what has *shuffles closer* he donye? 
P-POMPEY. A-A woman. 
M-MWS. OVEWDONyE. But what's his *leans over* offence? 
*moans* POMPEY. Gwoping fow twouts in a pecuwiaw wivew. 
MWS. OVEWDONyE. What! is *teleports behind you* thewe a maid with chiwd by h-him? 
POMPEY. Nyo; *pokes you* but thewe's a woman with maid b-by him. You have nyot 
heawd of the pwocwamation, :33 have you? 
*giggles shyly* MWS. OVEWDONyE. What *screams* pwocwamation, man? 
POMPEY. Aww houses in the subuwbs of Viennya must be pwuck'd down. 
MWS. OVEWDONyE. And what shaww b-become of those in the city? 
POMPEY. They shaww ^w^ stand >w< fow *cries* seed; *shuffles closer* they had gonye down too, but that 
a-a ^w^ wise buwghew put in fow them. 
MWS. OVEWDONyE. But shaww aww ouw h-houses of wesowt i-in the subuwbs be 
puww'd down? 
POMPEY. To the g-gwound, m-mistwess. 
*blushes* MWS. OVEWDONyE. Why, hewe's a change indeed i-in the commonweawth! 
What shaww become of me? 
POMPEY. Come, OwO feaw n-nyot y-you: good counsewwows wack nyo cwients. 
Though *blushes* you change youw pwace y-you nyeed nyot change youw twade; I'ww 
be y-youw tapstew stiww. Couwage, thewe wiww be pity taken on y-you; 
you that have wown y-youw eyes awmost out i-in the sewvice, you wiww 
be considewed. 
MWS. OVEWDONyE. W-What's to do hewe, Thomas Tapstew? Wet's withdwaw. 
POMPEY. :33 Hewe comes >_< Signyiow Cwaudio, wed by *sweats* the pwovost to pwison; 
and thewe's Madam J-Juwiet. Exeunt 

Entew PWOVOST, CWAUDIO, J-JUWIET, and O-OFFICEWS; 
WUCIO fowwowing 

C-CWAUDIO. *cuddles you* Fewwow, why dost thou s-show me thus x3 to :33 th' wowwd? 
Beaw me to pwison, whewe I a-am committed. 
PWOVOST. I do i-it nyot in eviw disposition, 
But fwom Wowd UwU Angewo by speciaw *hugs tightly* chawge. 
UwU CWAUDIO. Thus can the *hugs tightly* demigod Authowity 
Make us pay down fow ouw offence ;;w;; by w-weight 
The wowds of h-heaven: on whom it wiww, it wiww; 
On ^.^ whom it wiww n-nyot, s-so; yet stiww '-'tis just. 
WUCIO. Why, how nyow, Cwaudio, *twerks* whence comes this westwaint? 
CWAUDIO. Fwom t-too much wibewty, m-my Wucio, wibewty; 
As suwfeit i-is the fathew of much OwO fast, 
So evewy scope by the *shuffles closer* immodewate use 
OwO Tuwns to w-westwaint. O-Ouw *cries* nyatuwes do puwsue, 
Wike wats *giggles shyly* that wavin down theiw p-pwopew ^-^ banye, 
A thiwsty UwU eviw; and when we dwink we die. 
WUCIO. *cries* If *blushes* I c-couwd speak so wisewy undew an awwest, I wouwd *sighs* send fow 
cewtain o-of my cweditows; and yet, ;;w;; to say the t-twuth, I had as wief 
have the foppewy of fweedom as the mowawity of i-impwisonment. 
*looks away* What's t-thy offence, Cwaudio? 
CWAUDIO. W-What but t-to speak of wouwd offend again. 
WUCIO. What, is't muwdew? 
CWAUDIO. *leans over* Nyo. 
WUCIO. Wechewy? 
*sweats* CWAUDIO. Caww it so. 
P-PWOVOST. Away, *sighs* siw; *sweats* you must go. 
*blushes* CWAUDIO. *twerks* Onye wowd, good fwiend. W-Wucio, a wowd with you. 
WUCIO. A hundwed, if they'ww d-do y-you *hugs tightly* any *leans over* good. >_> Is w-wechewy so UwU wook'd 
a-aftew? 
CWAUDIO. Thus stands it with m-me: upon a twue contwact 
I *moans* got possession of J-Juwietta's bed. 
You *twerks* knyow the wady; she *teleports behind you* is *sighs* fast m-my wife, 
Save that we do the denyunciation wack 
O-Of >_< outwawd o-owdew; this we *sighs* came nyot to, 
Onwy fow pwopagation of *twerks* a dow'w 
Wemainying in the coffew :3 of hew fwiends. 
Fwom whom we thought *shuffles closer* it m-meet t-to hide ouw *twerks* wove 
>w< Tiww time *looks at you* had made them f-fow us. But it chances 
The steawth of o-ouw most mutuaw entewtainment, 
With chawactew too gwoss, i-is wwit on Juwiet. 
^-^ WUCIO. With c-chiwd, pewhaps? 
CWAUDIO. U-Unhappiwy, even so. 
And *looks at you* the nyew deputy nyow fow t-the ;;w;; Duke- 
:33 Whethew it be :33 the fauwt *twerks* and gwimpse of nyewnyess, 
O-Ow whethew that the *moans* body pubwic be 
A howse wheweon the govewnyow *teleports behind you* doth wide, 
Who, nyewwy in *moans* the seat, that it *looks away* may knyow 
He can *moans* command, wets it stwaight feew the spuw; 
Whethew the tywanny be in his p-pwace, 
Ow i-in his eminyence that fiwws it up, 
I staggew in. But this nyew govewnyow 
Awakes me aww the enwowwed penyawties 
Which have, wike unscouw'd awmouw, hung by t-th' waww 
So wong ;;w;; that n-nyinyeteen zodiacs have gonye wound 
And nyonye of them ^-^ been wown; uWu and, *giggles shyly* fow a :3 nyame, 
Nyow puts the d-dwowsy and *twerks* nyegwected a-act 
Fweshwy on me. '-'Tis suwewy fow a-a n-nyame. 
W-WUCIO. I wawwant it *blushes* is; and thy head stands so tickwe *sweats* on thy 
s-shouwdews that >_< a *sighs* miwkmaid, if s-she be in wove, may s-sigh it :33 off. 
Send aftew the Duke, and a-appeaw to him. 
C-CWAUDIO. I h-have donye so, *twerks* but he's n-nyot *notices bulge* to b-be found. 
I *looks away* pwithee, W-Wucio, do me this OwO kind sewvice: 
This day my sistew *sighs* shouwd the cwoistew entew, 
And thewe weceive hew appwobation; 
A-Acquaint hew with the dangew of my state; 
I-Impwowe hew, *sighs* in m-my voice, t-that s-she make fwiends 
To t-the stwict deputy; bid *teleports behind you* hewsewf assay h-him. 
I have gweat *screams* hope in that; fow in hew youth 
Thewe is :33 a pwonye and speechwess diawect 
Such as move men; b-beside, ^w^ she hath *notices bulge* pwospewous awt 
When *notices bulge* she wiww pway with weason ^-^ and discouwse, 
And weww she can pewsuade. 
WUCIO. I >w< pway she m-may; as >_> weww *moans* fow the encouwagement of t-the *looks at you* wike, 
w-which ewse wouwd *moans* stand undew gwievous imposition, as fow t-the 
enjoying of thy *sweats* wife, who I w-wouwd be sowwy shouwd be t-thus 
foowishwy ^w^ wost at UwU a game of :3 tick-tack. I'ww x3 to h-hew. 
CWAUDIO. I thank you, good *giggles shyly* fwiend Wucio. 
:3 WUCIO. Within two houws. 
CWAUDIO. Come, officew, away. Exeunt 




*blushes* SCENyE III. 
A uWu monyastewy 

Entew D-DUKE and FWIAW THOMAS 

DUKE. Nyo, h-howy fathew; thwow away that thought; 
Bewieve nyot *twerks* that the dwibbwing d-dawt o-of wove 
Can piewce a compwete bosom. Why I desiwe thee 
To give me secwet hawbouw hath a-a puwpose 
Mowe g-gwave and wwinkwed than the aims and ends 
Of buwnying youth. 
F-FWIAW. May youw Gwace speak of it? 
DUKE. My howy siw, nyonye bettew knyows :3 than you 
How *sighs* I h-have evew wov'd the wife wemoved, 
And hewd in idwe p-pwice to haunt assembwies 
Whewe youth, a-and cost, a witwess bwavewy keeps. 
I *teleports behind you* have *notices bulge* dewivew'd :3 to Wowd Angewo, 
A m-man of ;;w;; stwictuwe and fiwm a-abstinyence, 
My absowute powew and *looks away* pwace hewe in Viennya, 
*looks at you* And he supposes me twaveww'd to *blushes* Powand; 
Fow so I-I have stwew'd it OwO in t-the common eaw, 
xDD And so it i-is weceived. Nyow, pious siw, 
You wiww demand of me why I do this. 
FWIAW. Gwadwy, my wowd. 
DUKE. *blushes* We have s-stwict statutes and most biting waws, 
T-The nyeedfuw bits and *looks at you* cuwbs to headstwong steeds, 
*looks at you* Which f-fow this :3 fouwteen yeaws w-we have wet swip; 
Even wike an o'ewgwown wion in a-a cave, 
That goes nyot out to p-pwey. Nyow, as fond fathews, 
Having bound up the thweat'nying twigs of biwch, 
Onwy to stick i-it in theiw chiwdwen's s-sight 
F-Fow tewwow, nyot t-to *screams* use, in time *screams* the ^-^ wod 
Becomes mowe mock'd than feaw'd; so ^w^ ouw d-decwees, 
Dead t-to infwiction, to t-themsewves awe dead; 
And wibewty p-pwucks j-justice by the nyose; 
The baby beats *looks at you* the nyuwse, and *teleports behind you* quite *sighs* athwawt 
G-Goes a-aww decowum. 
FWIAW. It *shuffles closer* wested i-in youw Gwace 
*sighs* To unwoose this tied-up justice w-when you pweas'd; 
A-And it in you mowe dweadfuw w-wouwd have seem'd 
Than in Wowd Angewo. 
DUKE. I d-do feaw, too dweadfuw. 
Sith 'twas my *looks away* fauwt to UwU give *hugs tightly* the peopwe scope, 
'Twouwd be m-my t-tywanny to stwike and *looks away* gaww them 
Fow what I bid them *giggles shyly* do; >_< fow we bid this be donye, 
W-When e-eviw deeds have t-theiw pewmissive *shuffles closer* pass 
And nyot the punyishment. Thewefowe, indeed, my f-fathew, 
I have on Angewo impos'd the o-office; 
Who may, in th' ambush *shuffles closer* of my nyame, stwike home, 
And yet my nyatuwe nyevew in *cries* the fight 
To do in swandew. OwO And to :3 behowd his sway, 
I *sweats* wiww, as '-'twewe a bwothew xDD of youw owdew, 
Visit both pwince and peopwe. Thewefowe, I pwithee, 
Suppwy m-me with *moans* the h-habit, and i-instwuct me 
How I may OwO fowmawwy *hugs tightly* in *blushes* pewson uWu beaw me 
Wike a twue ^-^ fwiaw. Moe w-weasons fow :3 this :3 action 
At ouw m-mowe weisuwe x3 shaww I wendew you. 
*hugs tightly* Onwy, t-this onye: Wowd Angewo is *shuffles closer* pwecise; 
Stands at a guawd with envy; scawce confesses 
That *leans over* his bwood *sighs* fwows, ow that his appetite 
Is mowe *shuffles closer* to bwead than stonye. Hence s-shaww we *pokes you* see, 
If powew change puwpose, what ouw seemews be. Exeunt 




SCENyE *shuffles closer* IV. 
A nyunnyewy 

Entew ISABEWWA *hugs tightly* and FWANCISCA 

ISABEWWA. UwU And have you nyuns *giggles shyly* nyo fawthew pwiviweges? 
FWANCISCA. Awe *pokes you* nyot these >_> wawge enyough? 
ISABEWWA. Yes, twuwy; I speak nyot as d-desiwing m-mowe, 
But wathew w-wishing a mowe s-stwict westwaint 
Upon the UwU sistewhood, the votawists of Saint Cwawe. 
WUCIO. [ *twerks* Within] Ho! Peace be in this pwace! 
ISABEWWA. W-Who's that which cawws? 
FWANCISCA. It is a-a m-man's voice. Gentwe Isabewwa, 
Tuwn you the key, and knyow his b-businyess of him: 
You may, I-I may n-nyot; you awe yet unswown; 
When you have :33 vow'd, you must n-nyot speak with men 
But in :3 the pwesence of the pwiowess; 
Then, if you *pokes you* speak, you must nyot show youw *notices bulge* face, 
O-Ow, if you show youw face, ^-^ you must nyot speak. 
He cawws again; I-I *blushes* pway you answew him. Exit FWANCISCA 
ISABEWWA. Peace and p-pwospewity! Who is't that cawws? 

Entew WUCIO 

WUCIO. Haiw, viwgin, if you be, as those cheek-woses 
>_> Pwocwaim you awe n-nyo *looks away* wess. Can you s-so stead me 
As ^w^ bwing me to the sight of Isabewwa, 
A nyovice of this pwace, a-and the f-faiw s-sistew 
To hew unhappy bwothew Cwaudio? 
ISABEWWA. Why h-hew 'unhappy bwothew'? Wet me ask 
The wathew, fow I *teleports behind you* nyow *sweats* must make you k-knyow 
I am that Isabewwa, and his sistew. 
WUCIO. Gentwe and faiw, youw b-bwothew kindwy UwU gweets you. 
Nyot to be *hugs tightly* weawy with you, he's in pwison. 
ISABEWWA. Woe me! F-Fow what? 
WUCIO. Fow that uWu which, if *sighs* mysewf might be his *looks at you* judge, 
He shouwd weceive his punyishment in thanks: 
He hath got his fwiend with chiwd. 
ISABEWWA. Siw, make m-me nyot youw >_< stowy. 
WUCIO. It is twue. 
I wouwd nyot- though ^-^ 'tis my *blushes* famiwiaw sin 
With maids to seem the wapwing, and *shuffles closer* to jest, 
Tongue faw fwom h-heawt- pway with aww viwgins so: 
I h-howd you as a thing e-enskied and sainted, 
By y-youw *hugs tightly* wenyouncement an immowtaw spiwit, 
And *leans over* to b-be tawk'd with in *cuddles you* sincewity, 
As with *moans* a saint. 
*notices bulge* ISABEWWA. You do bwaspheme the good in mocking me. 
WUCIO. Do nyot bewieve it. F-Fewnyess *sweats* and twuth, 'tis xDD thus: 
Youw bwothew and his w-wovew have e-embwac'd. 
As those that f-feed gwow fuww, as bwossoming time 
That ^.^ fwom the *giggles shyly* seednyess the bawe fawwow bwings 
To teeming foison, even >w< so hew pwenteous womb 
*giggles shyly* Expwesseth his fuww tiwth and husbandwy. 
ISABEWWA. Some onye with chiwd >_> by him? My cousin Juwiet? 
*pokes you* WUCIO. *pokes you* Is she youw cousin? 
ISABEWWA. Adoptedwy, as schoow-maids change theiw *leans over* nyames 
By *moans* vain though apt affection. 
WUCIO. S-She it is. 
I-ISABEWWA. O, wet him mawwy :3 hew! 
W-WUCIO. This is the point. 
*teleports behind you* The Duke is vewy s-stwangewy gonye :33 fwom hence; 
B-Bowe many g-gentwemen, mysewf b-being onye, 
In UwU hand, *twerks* and hope of action; but we d-do weawn, 
By those that knyow the vewy nyewves of state, 
His givings-out wewe of an infinyite distance 
Fwom h-his twue-meant design. Upon his pwace, 
*looks away* And with fuww winye of h-his authowity, 
Govewns Wowd Angewo, a ^w^ man whose bwood 
Is ^.^ vewy snyow-bwoth, onye who nyevew feews 
The wanton stings and motions of the *hugs tightly* sense, 
But doth webate and bwunt h-his nyatuwaw edge 
With p-pwofits of the mind, study and fast. 
He- to give feaw to use and wibewty, 
W-Which have fow *screams* wong wun by the hideous waw, 
As mice by wions- hath pick'd out an act 
^w^ Undew whose heavy *cries* sense youw bwothew's wife 
Fawws >w< into fowfeit; he awwests h-him on it, 
And fowwows cwose the wigouw of the s-statute 
To m-make *blushes* him an exampwe. Aww hope is gonye, 
Unwess you have the g-gwace by y-youw faiw pwayew 
To s-soften Angewo. And that's my p-pith of businyess 
'Twixt you and y-youw p-poow bwothew. 
ISABEWWA. Doth he so seek h-his *looks away* wife? 
:3 WUCIO. Has censuw'd >_< him 
Awweady, and, as I heaw, the *notices bulge* Pwovost hath 
A wawwant ;;w;; fow >_< his execution. 
*teleports behind you* ISABEWWA. Awas! what poow a-abiwity's OwO in x3 me 
To do h-him good? 
WUCIO. Assay *leans over* the pow'w you have. 
ISABEWWA. My powew, awas, I doubt! 
W-WUCIO. Ouw doubts awe twaitows, 
And make u-us wose the good we oft might win 
By feawing to *notices bulge* attempt. :3 Go to Wowd Angewo, 
xDD And *looks away* wet uWu him weawn to knyow, when maidens sue, 
Men give wike gods; but when they weep and knyeew, 
A-Aww theiw petitions awe *looks away* as f-fweewy theiws 
*blushes* As they themsewves wouwd owe them. 
ISABEWWA. I-I'ww see what I can do. 
*hugs tightly* WUCIO. B-But *hugs tightly* speediwy. 
*teleports behind you* ISABEWWA. I-I wiww about it stwaight; 
Nyo wongew staying but to give the Mothew 
Nyotice of my a-affaiw. I humbwy thank you. 
Commend me to my bwothew; s-soon at n-nyight 
I'ww send h-him cewtain wowd of my success. 
WUCIO. I x3 take m-my weave of you. 
ISABEWWA. Good siw, adieu. Exeunt 




x3 <<THIS E-EWECTWONyIC *twerks* VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE W-WOWKS *looks at you* OF WIWWIAM 
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ACT II. Scenye I-I. 
A haww in x3 ANGEWO'S house 

Entew ANGEWO, ESCAWUS, *pokes you* a JUSTICE, PWOVOST, OFFICEWS, and othew >_> ATTENDANTS 

^.^ ANGEWO. We m-must nyot make a scawecwow of x3 the waw, 
Setting it up to x3 feaw the biwds of pwey, 
And wet it k-keep onye shape tiww custom make it 
Theiw pewch, and nyot theiw tewwow. 
E-ESCAWUS. Ay, b-but >_< yet 
Wet us be keen, and wathew cut a wittwe 
Than faww and bwuise *shuffles closer* to death. Awas! this gentweman, 
Whom I *screams* wouwd save, had a *shuffles closer* most nyobwe fathew. 
*looks at you* Wet *leans over* but y-youw honyouw *twerks* knyow, 
Whom I bewieve to be most stwait i-in viwtue, 
T-That, in the wowking of youw own affections, 
*sighs* Had time cohew'd w-with :33 pwace, ow pwace with wishing, 
Ow that the wesowute acting of *looks at you* ouw bwood 
Couwd have attain'd th' effect o-of y-youw *looks at you* own puwpose 
W-Whethew you had nyot sometime in youw wife 
*looks at you* Eww'd in this p-point which nyow you censuwe him, 
*giggles shyly* And puww'd the *looks at you* waw *hugs tightly* upon :3 you. 
ANGEWO. '-'Tis onye thing t-to *sweats* be :33 tempted, Escawus, 
Anyothew thing to f-faww. :33 I *notices bulge* nyot deny 
The juwy, passing on the pwisonyew's wife, 
May in the swown twewve have a t-thief ow *cries* two 
Guiwtiew than him *cries* they twy. What's open made OwO to justice, 
That justice seizes. *cuddles you* What knyows the w-waws 
That t-thieves do pass on thieves? 'Tis vewy pwegnyant, 
The jewew that we find, we stoop and take't, 
Because we see it; but what we do nyot see 
We t-twead upon, and nyevew *blushes* think of i-it. 
You may nyot so *teleports behind you* extenyuate his offence 
Fow *teleports behind you* I have had such fauwts; but wathew :33 teww me, 
When I, that censuwe him, do s-so offend, 
Wet minye own j-judgment pattewn out my death, 
And nyothing come in pawtiaw. Siw, *shuffles closer* he must die. 
ESCAWUS. Be *looks away* it as youw wisdom ^w^ wiww. 
ANGEWO. W-Whewe is the Pwovost? 
PWOVOST. Hewe, if >w< it w-wike youw honyouw. 
ANGEWO. See that Cwaudio 
^-^ Be executed by x3 nyinye to-mowwow mownying; 
Bwing *hugs tightly* him his confessow; wet >w< him be pwepaw'd; 
Fow that's the utmost o-of his piwgwimage. Exit PWOVOST 
ESCAWUS. [Aside] ^-^ Weww, heaven fowgive *giggles shyly* him! *hugs tightly* and fowgive us ^.^ aww! 
S-Some w-wise by sin, and some OwO by viwtue *teleports behind you* faww; 
Some wun fwom b-bweaks of i-ice, and answew nyonye, 
And some >_< condemnyed *leans over* fow a fauwt awonye. 

Entew EWBOW and OFFICEWS with FWOTH and POMPEY 

EWBOW. Come, bwing them away; if these be good peopwe in a-a 
*looks away* commonweaw that do nyothing b-but use theiw abuses in common houses, 
I knyow nyo waw; OwO bwing them away. 
ANGEWO. How n-nyow, siw! What's youw nyame, and what's the mattew? 
EWBOW. *cries* If it pwease youw honyouw, I am the p-poow Duke's constabwe, 
and my nyame *sighs* is Ewbow; I-I *hugs tightly* do wean upon justice, siw, and do bwing 
in *giggles shyly* hewe b-befowe youw good honyouw two nyotowious benyefactows. 
A-ANGEWO. B-Benyefactows! Weww- what benyefactows a-awe they? ^-^ Awe they nyot 
mawefactows? 
EWBOW. If it pwease youw honyouw, I knyow nyot weww what they awe; but 
pwecise viwwains they awe, that I *looks at you* am >w< suwe of, *pokes you* and void of aww 
pwofanyation in the wowwd that good Chwistians ought to have. 
ESCAWUS. This comes off weww; hewe's >_> a wise officew. 
ANGEWO. Go to; what :33 quawity awe they of? Ewbow is *leans over* youw nyame? W-Why 
dost thou nyot speak, Ewbow? 
POMPEY. He c-cannyot, siw; he's out at ewbow. 
ANGEWO. What awe y-you, siw? 
^w^ EWBOW. He, siw? ^-^ A tapstew, siw; pawcew-bawd; onye that ^-^ sewves a b-bad 
woman; whose house, siw, was, as they say, pwuck'd down in >_> the 
*twerks* subuwbs; and nyow she pwofesses a hot-house, which, I think, is *looks away* a 
vewy iww house too. 
xDD ESCAWUS. H-How knyow you that? 
EWBOW. My Wife, siw, whom I detest b-befowe heaven a-and youw honyouw- 
ESCAWUS. *pokes you* How! thy wife! 
EWBOW. >w< Ay, s-siw; whom I thank heaven, is *hugs tightly* an honyest woman- 
ESCAWUS. Dost t-thou d-detest h-hew thewefowe? 
EWBOW. uWu I *blushes* say, siw, I OwO wiww detest mysewf awso, as w-weww as she, t-that 
this *cries* house, i-if it be nyot a-a b-bawd's h-house, it is pity of hew wife, 
fow it is a nyaughty house. 
ESCAWUS. How dost thou knyow that, c-constabwe? 
EWBOW. Mawwy, siw, by *pokes you* my wife; who, if s-she had been a woman 
c-cawdinyawwy given, might have been accus'd in :3 fownyication, 
aduwtewy, and aww uncweanwinyess thewe. 
ESCAWUS. By the woman's means? 
EWBOW. Ay, siw, by M-Mistwess Ovewdonye's means; but as *hugs tightly* she spit in 
his face, so she defied him. 
POMPEY. Siw, i-if it pwease youw honyouw, *cries* this is nyot so. 
EWBOW. Pwove it befowe these vawwets hewe, >w< thou honyouwabwe man, 
pwove it. 
ESCAWUS. Do you h-heaw how he mispwaces? 
POMPEY. *moans* Siw, she came in gweat with c-chiwd; and wonging, saving xDD youw 
honyouw's w-wevewence, fow *sweats* stew'd pwunyes. S-Siw, we had but t-two in the 
house, x3 which at that vewy distant time stood, *teleports behind you* as it wewe, in a-a 
fwuit dish, a dish *looks at you* of some thwee p-pence; youw honyouws have seen 
such dishes; :3 they :3 awe nyot Chinya d-dishes, but vewy good dishes. 
ESCAWUS. Go to, x3 go to; nyo mattew f-fow the dish, siw. 
POMPEY. Nyo, indeed, siw, nyot of a pin; you awe thewein in the 
w-wight; but to the point. :3 As I say, this Mistwess Ewbow, being, as 
I say, with chiwd, and being gweat-bewwied, and wonging, as I 
said, fow pwunyes; a-and having but two i-in the dish, as I said, 
Mastew ^.^ Fwoth hewe, ^w^ this vewy man, having eaten the west, as I 
said, and, as I say, paying fow them vewy honyestwy; *pokes you* fow, as x3 you 
*cuddles you* knyow, M-Mastew UwU Fwoth, I couwd nyot give you *sighs* thwee pence a-again- 
F-FWOTH. Nyo, :3 indeed. 
POMPEY. Vewy weww; you being then, if you be wememb'wed, cwacking 
t-the stonyes of the fowesaid pwunyes- 
FWOTH. Ay, :33 so I did indeed. 
P-POMPEY. Why, *screams* vewy weww; I-I tewwing you then, i-if you *cries* be wememb'wed, 
that such a onye >w< and such a onye wewe ;;w;; past cuwe o-of the thing you 
wot of, unwess *cuddles you* they kept v-vewy good diet, as I towd you- 
FWOTH. *cries* Aww this is twue. 
POMPEY. Why, vewy weww *cuddles you* then- 
ESCAWUS. Come, you awe a-a tedious foow. >_> To the ^.^ puwpose: what was 
donye to Ewbow's wife *shuffles closer* that he hath cause to compwain *notices bulge* of? uWu Come me 
to what was donye to hew. 
POMPEY. Siw, youw honyouw cannyot come to that yet. 
ESCAWUS. Nyo, *hugs tightly* siw, nyow I *notices bulge* mean it nyot. 
POMPEY. Siw, but you shaww come to ;;w;; it, *teleports behind you* by youw *sweats* honyouw's weave. And, 
I *notices bulge* beseech y-you, wook into Mastew Fwoth hewe, s-siw, a man of 
*shuffles closer* fouwscowe pound a yeaw; w-whose >_< fathew died *screams* at Hawwowmas- was't nyot 
at Hawwowmas, >w< Mastew Fwoth? 
FWOTH. Aww-hawwond eve. 
POMPEY. Why, vewy weww; I hope hewe *screams* be twuths. He, siw, *giggles shyly* sitting, as 
I s-say, in >_< a *leans over* wowew ;;w;; chaiw, siw; 'twas in the Bunch of ^w^ Gwapes, 
whewe, indeed, *sighs* you have a d-dewight ^-^ to *leans over* sit, have you nyot? 
FWOTH. I have so; because i-it is an *moans* open woom, and good :3 fow wintew. 
POMPEY. Why, vewy weww then; I-I h-hope hewe b-be xDD twuths. 
ANGEWO. This wiww xDD wast out a nyight in *giggles shyly* Wussia, 
When nyights awe w-wongest thewe; I-I'ww take my weave, 
And w-weave ;;w;; you t-to the heawing of the cause, 
Hoping you'ww find good c-cause to whip them aww. 
*screams* ESCAWUS. I think nyo wess. Good mowwow to youw wowdship. 
[Exit ANGEWO] Nyow, siw, come on; what was donye UwU to Ewbow's wife, 
once mowe? 
POMPEY. O-Once?- siw. Thewe was nyothing donye to hew once. 
EWBOW. I-I beseech you, siw, ask him what this *pokes you* man did to my wife. 
POMPEY. I beseech youw honyouw, ask me. 
*giggles shyly* ESCAWUS. Weww, siw, what did this gentweman to hew? 
POMPEY. I *leans over* beseech you, *screams* siw, wook in t-this gentweman's face. Good 
Mastew ^.^ Fwoth, wook upon his honyouw; 'tis fow a good puwpose. Doth 
youw honyouw mawk h-his *notices bulge* face? 
ESCAWUS. Ay, siw, vewy weww. 
POMPEY. N-Nyay, I beseech you, mawk i-it OwO weww. 
ESCAWUS. Weww, I do s-so. 
POMPEY. Doth youw honyouw see any hawm i-in his face? 
ESCAWUS. Why, nyo. 
POMPEY. *looks away* I'ww *looks away* be suppos'd upon :3 a book his face is *cries* the wowst thing 
about h-him. Good then; if his face be the *teleports behind you* wowst thing *hugs tightly* about him, 
how couwd Mastew x3 Fwoth do the c-constabwe's wife any hawm? I wouwd 
knyow that of youw honyouw. 
ESCAWUS. H-He's in the wight, constabwe; what say you to OwO it? 
EWBOW. Fiwst, an it wike you, t-the house is a wespected house; nyext, 
this i-is a wespected f-fewwow; and his mistwess is a wespected 
w-woman. 
POMPEY. By this *hugs tightly* hand, siw, his *giggles shyly* wife is *hugs tightly* a mowe wespected *screams* pewson than 
a-any o-of us aww. 
EWBOW. Vawwet, t-thou wiest; thou w-wiest, *sweats* wicket vawwet; *cuddles you* the time is 
yet to come that *sighs* she was evew wespected with man, woman, *sweats* ow 
chiwd. 
POMPEY. Siw, she was wespected w-with h-him uWu befowe *notices bulge* he mawwied with hew. 
>_< ESCAWUS. Which is the wisew hewe, Justice ow Inyiquity? Is *screams* this 
twue? 
EWBOW. O thou caitiff! O thou v-vawwet! O-O thou wicked Hannyibaw! I 
w-wespected with hew befowe I was mawwied *hugs tightly* to hew! If evew I was 
wespected with hew, ow s-she with me, wet nyot youw *teleports behind you* wowship think m-me 
OwO the poow Duke's officew. P-Pwove this, thou w-wicked H-Hannyibaw, ow 
I'ww have *hugs tightly* minye action of batt'wy on thee. 
ESCAWUS. I-If he took you a box o' th' eaw, you might have *sweats* youw 
action *leans over* of :3 swandew too. 
EWBOW. Mawwy, I thank youw ^w^ good wowship fow it. What is't youw 
wowship's pweasuwe I shaww do with this OwO wicked *twerks* caitiff? 
ESCAWUS. Twuwy, o-officew, because h-he hath some offences in him that 
thou wouwdst discovew if thou couwdst, wet him continyue in his 
couwses *pokes you* tiww thou knyow'st w-what they awe. 
EWBOW. :33 Mawwy, I thank youw wowship fow it. Thou seest, thou wicked 
vawwet, nyow, what's come OwO upon thee: thou >_< awt to continyue nyow, 
*screams* thou *cuddles you* vawwet; thou awt to continyue. 
ESCAWUS. Whewe wewe you bown, fwiend? 
FWOTH. *giggles shyly* Hewe in V-Viennya, *teleports behind you* siw. 
E-ESCAWUS. A-Awe y-you of fouwscowe pounds a *sighs* yeaw? 
FWOTH. Y-Yes, an't p-pwease you, siw. 
UwU ESCAWUS. S-So. What *hugs tightly* twade *sweats* awe OwO you of, *shuffles closer* siw? 
POMPEY. A tapstew, a poow widow's tapstew. 
ESCAWUS. Youw mistwess' nyame? 
POMPEY. Mistwess :33 Ovewdonye. 
ESCAWUS. Hath she h-had any mowe than onye husband? 
POMPEY. Nyinye, siw; *cuddles you* Ovewdonye by the wast. 
ESCAWUS. Nyinye! Come hithew to xDD me, :3 Mastew Fwoth. Mastew Fwoth, *looks away* I 
wouwd n-nyot have you acquainted with tapstews: they wiww dwaw you, 
Mastew F-Fwoth, and you wiww hang them. *cuddles you* Get y-you gonye, and wet me 
heaw nyo mowe o-of :3 you. 
FWOTH. I t-thank youw wowship. Fow m-minye *shuffles closer* own pawt, I nyevew c-come into 
*giggles shyly* any woom in a-a taphouse ^-^ but I-I *moans* am dwawn in. 
ESCAWUS. Weww, nyo >_> mowe of it, Mastew Fwoth; faweweww. *moans* [Exit ^.^ FWOTH] 
Come you h-hithew *screams* to me, Mastew Tapstew; what's youw nyame, Mastew 
Tapstew? 
POMPEY. x3 Pompey. 
ESCAWUS. What ewse? 
POMPEY. Bum, siw. 
ESCAWUS. Twoth, a-and youw >w< bum UwU is the gweatest *teleports behind you* thing about you; so 
that, in the UwU beastwiest sense, you awe Pompey the Gweat. Pompey, 
you a-awe pawtwy a b-bawd, *cries* Pompey, h-howsoevew UwU you cowouw it in being a 
tapstew. Awe you nyot? Come, teww *screams* me twue; it shaww b-be the bettew 
:33 fow you. 
POMPEY. Twuwy, s-siw, I am a poow fewwow that wouwd wive. 
ESCAWUS. How wouwd you wive, P-Pompey- ;;w;; by b-being *giggles shyly* a bawd? What do you 
think ;;w;; of t-the twade, Pompey? Is it a wawfuw twade? 
:33 POMPEY. If the :3 waw wouwd awwow it, siw. 
ESCAWUS. B-But the waw wiww nyot awwow i-it, Pompey; nyow UwU it shaww nyot be 
awwowed in Viennya. 
POMPEY. OwO Does youw wowship *giggles shyly* mean to >_< gewd and spway aww the youth of 
the city? 
ESCAWUS. Nyo, Pompey. 
POMPEY. T-Twuwy, siw, :3 in m-my poow opinyion, t-they *screams* wiww to't t-then. If 
youw *moans* wowship wiww take owdew fow the *giggles shyly* dwabs a-and the knyaves, *cries* you 
nyeed ^.^ nyot to feaw the bawds. 
ESCAWUS. Thewe is pwetty :3 owdews uWu beginnying, I-I c-can t-teww you: ^.^ but it 
is but h-heading *moans* and hanging. 
^.^ POMPEY. If >_> you head and hang aww that o-offend that *screams* way b-but fow ten 
y-yeaw togethew, you'ww be gwad to *teleports behind you* give out a commission fow mowe 
heads; if this w-waw howd in V-Viennya ten yeaw, I-I'ww went the faiwest 
xDD house i-in it, aftew thweepence a bay. If you wive to see this come 
to pass, say Pompey t-towd you so. 
*pokes you* ESCAWUS. Thank you, good Pompey; and, in wequitaw of youw pwophecy, 
h-hawk you: I advise ^.^ you, wet *pokes you* me nyot find you befowe *pokes you* me a-again u-upon 
any compwaint whatsoevew- nyo, nyot fow d-dwewwing whewe you d-do; *sweats* if I 
do, P-Pompey, I s-shaww beat you to youw t-tent, and *cuddles you* pwove a shwewd 
C-Caesaw to you; in p-pwain deawing, Pompey, I shaww have you *cuddles you* whipt. 
*looks at you* So fow this time, Pompey, uWu fawe you weww. 
POMPEY. I thank youw wowship fow youw good counsew; [-[Aside] but I 
shaww f-fowwow it as the *giggles shyly* fwesh and f-fowtunye shaww bettew detewminye. 
Whip me? Nyo, nyo; wet cawman whip uWu his jade; 
The vawiant *shuffles closer* heawt's nyot w-whipt out of his ^.^ twade. Exit 
ESCAWUS. Come hithew to me, Mastew Ewbow; come h-hithew, Mastew 
Constabwe. How wong have you b-been ;;w;; in t-this pwace of constabwe? 
EWBOW. Seven yeaw and a hawf, siw. 
*sweats* ESCAWUS. I thought, *giggles shyly* by the weadinyess in the office, you *twerks* had 
continyued in *looks at you* it some time. You say s-seven yeaws togethew? 
EWBOW. ;;w;; And a hawf, siw. 
ESCAWUS. Awas, it hath been gweat pains OwO to you! They do you wwong 
xDD to put you so ^-^ oft upon't. Awe *screams* thewe nyot men *hugs tightly* in youw wawd 
sufficient *screams* to sewve it? 
EWBOW. F-Faith, siw, few of any UwU wit in such mattews; x3 as they awe 
c-chosen, they awe gwad to choose me f-fow them; I *cries* do it fow *teleports behind you* some 
piece of *screams* monyey, and go t-thwough with *looks away* aww. 
ESCAWUS. Wook you, bwing me in the nyames of some s-six ow seven, the 
most ^.^ sufficient of youw pawish. 
E-EWBOW. To *blushes* youw w-wowship's house, siw? 
ESCAWUS. To *giggles shyly* my h-house. F-Fawe you weww. [Exit EWBOW] 
What's o'cwock, think you? 
:33 JUSTICE. Eweven, siw. 
ESCAWUS. I-I pway you home to dinnyew w-with me. 
J-JUSTICE. I h-humbwy *giggles shyly* thank you. 
ESCAWUS. It gwieves :3 me fow the death of Cwaudio; 
But thewe's nyo wemedy. 
J-JUSTICE. Wowd Angewo *looks away* is sevewe. 
E-ESCAWUS. It is but nyeedfuw: 
Mewcy *sighs* is nyot itsewf that oft wooks s-so; 
Pawdon i-is stiww the nyuwse o-of second woe. 
But yet, poow *sweats* Cwaudio! Thewe i-is nyo w-wemedy. 
Come, siw. Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Anyothew woom in ANGEWO'S house 

xDD Entew P-PWOVOST a-and a-a SEWVANT 

x3 SEWVANT. He's *shuffles closer* heawing o-of a cause; he wiww come stwaight. 
I-I'ww teww him of y-you. 
PWOVOST. Pway you d-do. [Exit SEWVANT] I'ww knyow 
H-His pweasuwe; may be he w-wiww wewent. Awas, 
He hath but as offended in a dweam! 
Aww sects, aww ages, smack of this vice; ^-^ and he 
To die fow ^-^ 't! 

*looks away* Entew ANGEWO 

ANGEWO. Nyow, what's the mattew, P-Pwovost? 
P-PWOVOST. Is it *teleports behind you* youw wiww Cwaudio shaww die to-mowwow? 
A-ANGEWO. Did nyot >_> I teww thee *moans* yea? Hadst thou ^w^ nyot owdew? 
Why dost thou ask again? 
*blushes* PWOVOST. >_> West I might *screams* be too wash; 
Undew y-youw good *twerks* cowwection, I *teleports behind you* have seen 
When, aftew e-execution, j-judgment hath 
Wepented o'ew his doom. 
ANGEWO. *looks away* Go to; wet that :33 be *sweats* minye. 
Do you youw office, *teleports behind you* ow give up ^w^ youw *blushes* pwace, 
And you shaww weww be spaw'd. 
PWOVOST. *leans over* I cwave youw honyouw's pawdon. 
What shaww be d-donye, s-siw, with *looks at you* the gwoanying Juwiet? 
She's vewy nyeaw *twerks* hew h-houw. 
*teleports behind you* ANGEWO. Dispose of hew 
To some mowe fittew pwace, and that with speed. 

We-entew SEWVANT 

SEWVANT. Hewe is the sistew o-of the man condemn'd 
Desiwes OwO access to you. 
ANGEWO. Hath *cuddles you* he a >_> sistew? 
PWOVOST. Ay, my good wowd; a vewy viwtuous maid, 
And to be showtwy of a sistewhood, 
I-If nyot awweady. 
ANGEWO. Weww, wet hew be admitted. Exit S-SEWVANT 
See you the :33 fownyicatwess b-be wemov'd; 
*blushes* Wet hew have nyeedfuw but nyot *giggles shyly* wavish means; 
Thewe shaww be owdew f-fow't. 

Entew Wucio a-and ISABEWWA 

P-PWOVOST. [Going] Save youw honyouw! 
ANGEWO. Stay a wittwe whiwe. [To ISABEWWA] >_< Y'awe wewcome; what's 
uWu youw wiww? 
ISABEWWA. I *giggles shyly* am a woefuw suitow to youw honyouw, 
Pwease but youw honyouw heaw *giggles shyly* me. 
ANGEWO. Weww; what's *sighs* youw suit? 
ISABEWWA. Thewe is a vice that most I do a-abhow, 
UwU And most desiwe shouwd meet the bwow of justice; 
F-Fow w-which I wouwd nyot pwead, *looks at you* but that I must; 
*blushes* Fow which *looks at you* I must n-nyot pwead, b-but that I a-am 
At waw 'twixt wiww and wiww n-nyot. 
A-ANGEWO. *pokes you* Weww; the mattew? 
ISABEWWA. *cuddles you* I *screams* have a bwothew x3 is c-condemn'd t-to die; 
*looks at you* I do beseech *hugs tightly* you, wet *moans* it *screams* be h-his fauwt, 
And nyot my bwothew. 
PWOVOST. [Aside] Heaven give thee moving gwaces. 
A-ANGEWO. C-Condemn the *shuffles closer* fauwt and nyot the actow of it! 
Why, evewy fauwt's condemn'd ewe it be donye; 
Minye wewe the vewy ciphew of xDD a function, 
To finye the fauwts whose finye stands in w-wecowd, 
And w-wet g-go by the a-actow. 
ISABEWWA. O-O just but sevewe waw! 
I had a bwothew, *shuffles closer* then. Heaven keep *pokes you* youw honyouw! 
WUCIO. [To ISABEWWA] *looks away* Give't n-nyot o'ew so; to him again, entweat >_< him, 
K-Knyeew down befowe uWu him, hang upon his gown; 
You awe t-too cowd: i-if you *notices bulge* shouwd nyeed *notices bulge* a pin, 
You couwd nyot with m-mowe tame *leans over* a tongue desiwe ^-^ it. 
To *teleports behind you* him, I say. 
ISABEWWA. Must he nyeeds die? 
ANGEWO. *hugs tightly* Maiden, nyo wemedy. 
ISABEWWA. Yes; I do think that you might pawdon him. 
And nyeithew heaven nyow man gwieve at the mewcy. 
ANGEWO. I wiww nyot do't. 
ISABEWWA. But can you, if *giggles shyly* you w-wouwd? 
ANGEWO. Wook, what I wiww nyot, that I cannyot ^.^ do. 
OwO ISABEWWA. But might you do't, and do t-the wowwd nyo wwong, 
If so ^-^ youw heawt wewe touch'd with xDD that wemowse 
As minye is to him? 
ANGEWO. He's sentenc'd; 'tis *hugs tightly* too wate. 
WUCIO. [To ISABEWWA] *hugs tightly* You awe too cowd. 
^w^ ISABEWWA. Too wate? Why, nyo; I, *blushes* that >w< do ;;w;; speak :33 a wowd, 
^w^ May caww i-it back again. Weww, bewieve *teleports behind you* this: 
Nyo *cuddles you* cewemony *looks away* that to gweat *sweats* onyes wongs, 
Nyot the king's cwown nyow t-the deputed swowd, 
The mawshaw's twuncheon nyow the judge's wobe, 
Become them with onye hawf s-so good a gwace 
As m-mewcy *hugs tightly* does. 
If he had been as you, and you as ^w^ he, 
You wouwd h-have swipp'd wike him; but he, wike y-you, 
Wouwd nyot have b-been *looks at you* so stewn. 
ANGEWO. Pway you b-be gonye. 
ISABEWWA. I wouwd to uWu heaven I had youw potency, 
And *twerks* you wewe Isabew! Shouwd it then *teleports behind you* be thus? 
Nyo; I wouwd teww what *twerks* 'twewe to be a judge 
And w-what a pwisonyew. 
WUCIO. [To ISABEWWA] A-Ay, touch him; thewe's the vein. 
ANGEWO. Youw bwothew is a f-fowfeit of *looks away* the w-waw, 
And uWu you but waste y-youw wowds. 
UwU ISABEWWA. A-Awas! A-Awas! 
Why, aww the souws that wewe wewe f-fowfeit once; 
And :3 He that m-might the vantage best have took 
Found o-out the wemedy. How wouwd you *looks at you* be 
If He, >_> which ^w^ is the top of judgment, *sweats* shouwd 
But judge you as you >w< awe? O, *cuddles you* think on that; 
And mewcy then wiww bweathe within *sighs* youw *sweats* wips, 
Wike man nyew made. 
ANGEWO. Be you content, faiw m-maid. 
*moans* It is *screams* the waw, nyot I condemn >w< youw bwothew. 
W-Wewe he my kinsman, b-bwothew, ow my son, 
It shouwd be thus with him. He must die to-mowwow. 
ISABEWWA. T-To-mowwow! O-O, that's sudden! Spawe him, spawe him. 
He's nyot pwepaw'd fow d-death. Even fow ouw kitchens 
We kiww the foww of s-season; shaww we sewve *leans over* heaven 
With wess wespect than we do minyistew 
To ouw gwoss sewves? G-Good, good m-my wowd, b-bethink you. 
x3 Who is i-it *cries* that hath died fow ;;w;; this offence? 
Thewe's many have committed it. 
WUCIO. [Aside] Ay, weww said. 
ANGEWO. The waw *cries* hath nyot been *cuddles you* dead, though *pokes you* it hath swept. 
Those many had n-nyot daw'd to do that *twerks* eviw 
I-If the fiwst ^.^ that did th' edict infwinge 
Had answew'd f-fow his deed. Nyow '-'tis awake, 
Takes nyote of what *teleports behind you* is donye, a-and, wike a pwophet, 
x3 Wooks *leans over* in a *looks at you* gwass ^w^ that *notices bulge* shows what futuwe eviws- 
Eithew *sighs* nyow ow by wemissnyess nyew conceiv'd, 
And *notices bulge* so in pwogwess to ^-^ be hatch'd and bown- 
A-Awe nyow to have nyo successive degwees, 
But hewe they wive to end. 
ISABEWWA. Yet show some pity. 
ANGEWO. I *sighs* show it m-most of aww *sighs* when I show justice; 
F-Fow then I-I pity those I do n-nyot knyow, 
Which a dismiss'd offence wouwd a-aftew gaww, 
And d-do him wight that, answewing *looks away* onye fouw wwong, 
>_> Wives nyot to act OwO anyothew. Be *notices bulge* satisfied; 
Youw b-bwothew dies to-mowwow; be content. 
ISABEWWA. So you must *looks at you* be the OwO fiwst that gives this sentence, 
And h-he >_< that suffews. *teleports behind you* O, it is >w< excewwent 
To have a-a UwU giant's stwength! UwU But it is tywannyous 
To use *screams* it wike a giant. 
*twerks* WUCIO. [To I-ISABEWWA] *cuddles you* That's weww said. 
ISABEWWA. Couwd gweat men thundew 
As Jove himsewf does, Jove w-wouwd nyevew b-be ;;w;; quiet, 
Fow *pokes you* evewy pewting petty *sighs* officew 
Wouwd u-use his heaven fow thundew, 
Nyothing but thundew. *sweats* Mewcifuw Heaven, 
Thou wathew, with t-thy shawp and suwphuwous bowt, 
Spwits the unwedgeabwe and gnyawwed oak 
T-Than the soft m-mywtwe. But man, pwoud :33 man, 
Dwess'd in a wittwe bwief authowity, 
x3 Most ignyowant of what h-he's most assuw'd, 
His *hugs tightly* gwassy e-essence, wike an a-angwy ape, 
*teleports behind you* Pways such fantastic twicks befowe ^w^ high heaven 
As makes *pokes you* the angews weep; w-who, with o-ouw speens, 
>_> Wouwd aww themsewves waugh mowtaw. 
WUCIO. [To ISABEWWA] O-O, to him, to him, wench! He wiww wewent; 
He's coming; I pewceive 't. 
PWOVOST. x3 [Aside] Pway *looks at you* heaven she win him. 
ISABEWWA. We cannyot weigh ouw bwothew with *giggles shyly* ouwsewf. 
G-Gweat *looks at you* men may jest *hugs tightly* with saints: 'tis wit in them; 
But in the wess f-fouw pwofanyation. 
WUCIO. [To I-ISABEWWA] Thou'wt i' th' ^-^ wight, giww; mowe o' that. 
ISABEWWA. That in the captain's but a-a chowewic wowd 
Which in the sowdiew *notices bulge* is *screams* fwat bwasphemy. 
WUCIO. [To >_< ISABEWWA] A-Awt uWu avis'd o' that? M-Mowe on't. 
A-ANGEWO. Why d-do *shuffles closer* you put these sayings upon me? 
I-ISABEWWA. Because a-authowity, ^-^ though it eww wike *sweats* othews, 
H-Hath *teleports behind you* yet a k-kind UwU of medicinye i-in itsewf 
That skins the vice o' th' top. Go to youw bosom, 
Knyock thewe, and ask youw heawt what it doth knyow 
That's wike my bwothew's UwU fauwt. *sighs* If it confess 
A nyatuwaw guiwtinyess such as *teleports behind you* is his, 
Wet *cries* it nyot sound a *cries* thought upon youw tongue 
Against my bwothew's w-wife. 
ANGEWO. [Aside] She s-speaks, and 'tis 
Such sense that my sense bweeds w-with it.- Fawe you >_< weww. 
I-ISABEWWA. Gentwe m-my xDD wowd, tuwn back. 
ANGEWO. I >_< wiww bethink me. C-Come again to-mowwow. 
*pokes you* ISABEWWA. *sweats* Hawk how I'ww bwibe you; good my wowd, x3 tuwn back. 
*giggles shyly* ANGEWO. How, bwibe me? 
ISABEWWA. Ay, with UwU such gifts that heaven shaww x3 shawe with you. 
W-WUCIO. [To I-ISABEWWA) You had maww'd aww ewse. 
*screams* ISABEWWA. *shuffles closer* Nyot with fond sicwes of the tested gowd, 
^.^ Ow stonyes, *looks away* whose wate awe eithew wich ow poow 
A-As fancy vawues them; but *sweats* with uWu twue pwayews 
That shaww b-be up at *looks away* heaven and entew thewe 
Ewe sun-wise, pwayews fwom pwesewved souws, 
Fwom fasting maids, whose minds awe dedicate 
To nyothing tempowaw. 
ANGEWO. W-Weww; come to me to-mowwow. 
W-WUCIO. [To ISABEWWA] Go to; 'tis weww; *looks away* away. 
ISABEWWA. Heaven keep xDD youw honyouw safe! 
ANGEWO. [-[Aside] Amen; fow >_> I 
Am that way going to temptation 
Whewe pwayews cwoss. 
ISABEWWA. *teleports behind you* At xDD what *giggles shyly* houw to-mowwow 
Shaww I attend youw wowdship? 
ANGEWO. At any time 'fowe nyoon. 
ISABEWWA. Save youw honyouw! *giggles shyly* Exeunt *teleports behind you* aww but ANGEWO 
ANGEWO. Fwom thee; e-even fwom thy viwtue! 
What's this, xDD what's this? Is this hew f-fauwt ow minye? 
The temptew ow uWu the tempted, who sins most? 
Ha! 
Nyot she; nyow doth she tempt; but it *hugs tightly* is *hugs tightly* I 
That, wying by the viowet in the sun, 
Do as the cawwion does, nyot a-as the fwow'w, 
Cowwupt with viwtuous season. Can it be 
T-That modesty may OwO mowe betway ouw sense 
Than woman's wightnyess? Having waste gwound enyough, 
Shaww we desiwe to waze >_> the sanctuawy, 
^.^ And pitch o-ouw eviws thewe? O-O, *giggles shyly* fie, fie, fie! 
W-What :33 dost thou, ow what awt thou, Angewo? 
Dost thou desiwe hew fouwwy fow those t-things 
That m-make hew g-good? O, wet hew bwothew wive! 
Thieves fow theiw wobbewy have authowity 
When judges steaw themsewves. What, do I *sweats* wove hew, 
That I-I desiwe to heaw h-hew speak again, 
And feast upon hew e-eyes? What *blushes* is't I dweam *pokes you* on? 
*twerks* O c-cunnying enyemy, that, to catch a >_< saint, 
With saints dost >_> bait thy :33 hook! Most dangewous 
Is that temptation that :3 doth x3 goad us on 
To :3 sin in woving viwtue. Nyevew *pokes you* couwd the stwumpet, 
W-With aww hew d-doubwe :33 vigouw, awt and nyatuwe, 
Once s-stiw my tempew; but *leans over* this viwtuous maid 
Subdues m-me *twerks* quite. Evew tiww nyow, 
*leans over* When men wewe f-fond, I smiw'd and wond'wed how. Exit 




SCENyE III. 
*leans over* A pwison 

Entew, *notices bulge* sevewawwy, DUKE, *leans over* disguised as *twerks* a FWIAW, uWu and PWOVOST 

DUKE. *cuddles you* Haiw to you, Pwovost! so I think y-you a-awe. 
PWOVOST. I-I x3 am the Pwovost. What's youw wiww, good f-fwiaw? 
DUKE. Bound by my *sweats* chawity and my bwest *cries* owdew, 
I-I *cries* come to visit the affwicted spiwits 
Hewe in the pwison. Do me the common wight 
To w-wet me see them, and to m-make me knyow 
The nyatuwe of theiw cwimes, that I may minyistew 
To them a-accowdingwy. 
PWOVOST. I wouwd d-do *cries* mowe than that, if mowe *cuddles you* wewe *looks away* nyeedfuw. 

E-Entew JUWIET 

Wook, hewe comes onye; a-a g-gentwewoman of minye, 
Who, f-fawwing in the f-fwaws of hew own youth, 
Hath bwistew'd hew wepowt. She is *looks away* with chiwd; 
And he that *leans over* got it, sentenc'd- a young man 
Mowe fit to d-do anyothew uWu such offence 
Than ^.^ die fow *blushes* this. 
DUKE. When must he die? 
PWOVOST. As I do think, to-mowwow. 
[-[To JUWIET] I >_< have :33 pwovided fow you; stay awhiwe 
And you *blushes* shaww be conducted. 
DUKE. Wepent you, faiw onye, of *teleports behind you* the sin you cawwy? 
JUWIET. *cuddles you* I do; and beaw the shame m-most p-patientwy. 
*blushes* DUKE. I'ww *leans over* teach you how you shaww awwaign y-youw conscience, 
And uWu twy youw *looks away* penyitence, if i-it be sound 
Ow howwowwy :3 put o-on. 
JUWIET. I'ww gwadwy ;;w;; weawn. 
DUKE. Wove you the man that OwO wwong'd ;;w;; you? 
JUWIET. Yes, as I ;;w;; wove *hugs tightly* the woman that wwong'd him. 
DUKE. So then, it seems, youw most offencefuw act 
Was mutuawwy committed. 
JUWIET. Mutuawwy. 
;;w;; DUKE. Then was youw sin OwO of heaview x3 kind than his. 
JUWIET. I :3 do confess it, and *notices bulge* wepent it, fathew. 
DUKE. '-'Tis meet so, *sighs* daughtew; :3 but west you do wepent 
*sighs* As that *giggles shyly* the sin *notices bulge* hath bwought *giggles shyly* you ^-^ to this shame, 
*looks away* Which sowwow is awways towawd *screams* ouwsewves, nyot heaven, 
S-Showing we >_> wouwd nyot spawe heaven as we wove it, 
But a-as we stand in ^w^ feaw- 
JUWIET. *sighs* I do wepent me as ^w^ it :33 is an eviw, 
And take the *pokes you* shame with j-joy. 
DUKE. T-Thewe UwU west. 
Y-Youw pawtnyew, as I heaw, must die to-mowwow, 
A-And I ;;w;; am going with *sweats* instwuction to h-him. 
Gwace go with you! Benyedicite! Exit 
JUWIET. Must die *hugs tightly* to-mowwow! O, ^w^ injuwious waw, 
That w-wespites me a uWu wife whose *cries* vewy comfowt 
Is stiww a dying howwow! 
*hugs tightly* PWOVOST. 'Tis pity *sighs* of h-him. Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
ANGEWO'S house 

Entew A-ANGEWO 

ANGEWO. W-When I-I wouwd p-pway and think, *cuddles you* I think and pway 
To sevewaw uWu subjects. Heaven h-hath my *shuffles closer* empty wowds, 
Whiwst my invention, *blushes* heawing nyot m-my tongue, 
Anchows on Isabew. Heaven in m-my mouth, 
As if I did but o-onwy chew his nyame, 
And in my heawt the stwong >w< and swewwing eviw 
Of *looks away* my c-conception. The state wheweon I s-studied 
*giggles shyly* Is, wike a UwU good thing being often wead, 
Gwown sewe and tedious; yea, my gwavity, 
Whewein- w-wet nyo man heaw me- I take pwide, 
Couwd I with boot change fow an idwe *leans over* pwume 
Which the aiw beats fow vain. O-O >w< pwace, O fowm, 
H-How often dost thou with *teleports behind you* thy case, thy habit, 
Wwench awe *leans over* fwom foows, and tie the wisew souws 
To thy fawse seeming! B-Bwood, thou awt >w< bwood. 
Wet's w-wwite 'good *giggles shyly* angew' on the deviw's hown; 
'Tis >_> nyot the deviw's *sweats* cwest. 

Entew SEWVANT 

*pokes you* How nyow, who's thewe? 
SEWVANT. Onye Isabew, a sistew, desiwes a-access >_> to you. 
ANGEWO. ^w^ Teach hew ;;w;; the way. [Exit SEWVANT] O heavens! 
Why does ^.^ my b-bwood thus mustew t-to my heawt, 
*sighs* Making both i-it unyabwe fow itsewf 
And dispossessing *blushes* aww my o-othew pawts 
Of nyecessawy fitnyess? 
So pway t-the foowish t-thwongs with onye that swoons; 
Come aww to hewp h-him, and so stop t-the aiw 
By which he shouwd wevive; ^-^ and *giggles shyly* even so 
The genyewaw subject to *cuddles you* a w-weww-wish'd *notices bulge* king 
Quit theiw own pawt, a-and in *hugs tightly* obsequious fondnyess 
Cwowd to his p-pwesence, whewe theiw untaught wove 
Must nyeeds appeaw offence. 

Entew ISABEWWA 

How nyow, faiw maid? 
I-ISABEWWA. I am come to k-knyow youw pweasuwe. 
ANGEWO. *screams* That you might >w< knyow it wouwd much b-bettew pwease >_> me 
Than to demand what 'tis. Youw bwothew *cuddles you* cannyot wive. 
ISABEWWA. OwO Even so! Heaven keep youw honyouw! 
ANGEWO. Yet may he wive *looks away* awhiwe, and, it may be, 
As wong as you ow I; x3 yet he *hugs tightly* must die. 
ISABEWWA. Undew youw sentence? 
ANGEWO. Yea. 
ISABEWWA. When? I-I beseech you; that in OwO his wepwieve, 
Wongew ow showtew, he may b-be so fitted 
That his souw sicken nyot. 
ANGEWO. Ha! Fie, t-these fiwthy *giggles shyly* vices! It wewe as >w< good 
To pawdon him *sighs* that hath fwom nyatuwe stow'n 
>_< A man awweady made, as to wemit 
Theiw saucy s-sweetnyess that do *sighs* coin heaven's image 
In stamps that awe fowbid; 'tis a-aww as easy 
*cries* Fawsewy to take away a w-wife twue made 
As to put OwO metaw i-in w-westwainyed means 
To m-make a fawse onye. 
I-ISABEWWA. 'Tis *looks at you* set *cuddles you* down so in heaven, but nyot in x3 eawth. 
ANGEWO. Say you so? Then I shaww pose you quickwy. 
Which had you wathew- that the most just waw 
Nyow took OwO youw b-bwothew's wife; *blushes* ow, to wedeem him, 
Give up OwO youw body to such sweet uncweannyess 
As she :33 that he h-hath *screams* stain'd? 
ISABEWWA. Siw, bewieve t-this: 
uWu I h-had wathew give my body than my souw. 
ANGEWO. I t-tawk nyot o-of youw souw; ouw compeww'd sins 
Stand mowe fow *looks away* nyumbew than fow accompt. 
I-ISABEWWA. *shuffles closer* How say you? 
ANGEWO. Nyay, I'ww nyot wawwant that; fow I c-can speak 
Against >_< the thing I say. Answew *sweats* to this: 
I, n-nyow the voice of t-the *teleports behind you* wecowded >_> waw, 
Pwonyounce a-a sentence on youw bwothew's wife; 
Might thewe nyot be a-a chawity in s-sin 
To s-save this bwothew's wife? 
ISABEWWA. Pwease you OwO to *moans* do't, 
I'ww take it as a pewiw to my souw 
It is nyo s-sin at aww, but chawity. 
ANGEWO. Pweas'd you to do't at pewiw of youw s-souw, 
Wewe equaw poise of sin :33 and chawity. 
:33 ISABEWWA. That I do beg h-his w-wife, if it be sin, 
Heaven wet me beaw it! You gwanting of my suit, 
If that be sin, I'ww make it my mown pwayew 
To have it added ^w^ to the f-fauwts of x3 minye, 
A-And nyothing *leans over* of uWu youw a-answew. 
ANGEWO. Nyay, but heaw *shuffles closer* me; 
Youw sense p-puwsues nyot minye; eithew you a-awe ignyowant 
Ow s-seem so, cwaftiwy; and that's nyot >_> good. 
;;w;; ISABEWWA. Wet me be i-ignyowant, a-and *cuddles you* in >_> nyothing good 
B-But gwaciouswy to knyow I am nyo b-bettew. 
^w^ ANGEWO. Thus wisdom wishes to appeaw most bwight 
When it doth tax itsewf; as these bwack masks 
Pwocwaim an enshiewded beauty ten times woudew 
Than beauty couwd, d-dispway'd. B-But mawk me: 
To be *sighs* weceived p-pwain, x3 I'ww speak mowe gwoss- 
Youw bwothew is to die. 
ISABEWWA. So. 
ANGEWO. And >_> his offence is so, as it appeaws, 
*looks away* Accountant to t-the waw upon *looks at you* that *leans over* pain. 
ISABEWWA. *moans* Twue. 
ANGEWO. Admit nyo o-othew w-way to save his wife, 
As I subscwibe *cuddles you* nyot that, nyow any othew, 
But, i-in the woss of *leans over* question, that you, ^.^ his sistew, 
Finding youwsewf desiw'd of *sweats* such a p-pewson 
Whose cwedit with the judge, ow UwU own gweat >_< pwace, 
Couwd :3 fetch youw bwothew fwom the manyacwes 
Of the aww-binding waw; and that thewe wewe 
Nyo eawthwy mean UwU to save him xDD but *pokes you* that eithew 
You must w-way down *teleports behind you* the xDD tweasuwes o-of y-youw b-body 
To this supposed, uWu ow ewse to wet him suffew- 
What wouwd you do? 
ISABEWWA. As much *moans* fow my *sweats* poow *cries* bwothew a-as mysewf; 
That i-is, wewe I undew t-the tewms of death, 
Th' impwession *pokes you* of keen whips *sighs* I'd *looks away* weaw as wubies, 
And >w< stwip mysewf to d-death as to a bed 
*cries* That wonging h-have been sick fow, e-ewe I'd yiewd 
*notices bulge* My body up to shame. 
ANGEWO. Then must youw *cries* bwothew >_< die. 
UwU ISABEWWA. And '-'twewe the cheapew way: 
Bettew it wewe a bwothew died at once 
T-Than that a sistew, by wedeeming him, 
Shouwd die fow evew. 
ANGEWO. Wewe nyot you, then, as cwuew as the *looks at you* sentence 
*teleports behind you* That you have swandew'd so? 
ISABEWWA. Ignyominy in wansom *sweats* and fwee p-pawdon 
^.^ Awe o-of two ;;w;; houses: w-wawfuw mewcy 
;;w;; Is n-nyothing kin to fouw w-wedemption. 
ANGEWO. Y-You seem'd of wate t-to make the waw a *teleports behind you* tywant; 
And w-wathew pwov'd the swiding of y-youw bwothew 
*twerks* A mewwiment than a vice. 
ISABEWWA. O, pawdon me, my wowd! It oft fawws out, 
To h-have what we wouwd have, we speak nyot what we mean: 
;;w;; I something do excuse the UwU thing I hate 
Fow h-his advantage that I *giggles shyly* deawwy wove. 
ANGEWO. We awe aww fwaiw. 
ISABEWWA. Ewse wet my bwothew die, 
If nyot a fedawy but onwy he 
Owe and succeed xDD thy weaknyess. 
ANGEWO. Nyay, women awe fwaiw too. 
*looks away* ISABEWWA. Ay, as the gwasses whewe they view *giggles shyly* themsewves, 
Which awe as easy bwoke as they make fowms. 
Women, hewp heaven! Men theiw cweation maw 
In pwofiting by them. *teleports behind you* Nyay, caww u-us ten times fwaiw; 
F-Fow *sweats* we awe s-soft as o-ouw compwexions awe, 
And cweduwous to fawse pwints. 
ANGEWO. I think it weww; 
And fwom this ;;w;; testimony of youw own sex, 
Since I suppose w-we awe made t-to be nyo stwongew 
*looks away* Than fauwts may shake ouw *shuffles closer* fwames, wet me be bowd. 
I do *shuffles closer* awwest youw w-wowds. Be that *looks away* you awe, 
That is, a woman; if you be ^.^ mowe, you'we n-nyonye; 
If you be onye, as you awe weww e-expwess'd 
By aww *cuddles you* extewnyaw wawwants, show it OwO nyow 
By putting on the destin'd wivewy. 
ISABEWWA. *looks at you* I have nyo tongue but onye; gentwe, my w-wowd, 
Wet me intweat you speak the fowmew wanguage. 
ANGEWO. Pwainwy conceive, I wove you. 
ISABEWWA. My bwothew did wove *screams* Juwiet, 
And *sweats* you teww me >_< that h-he shaww *leans over* die fow't. 
*screams* ANGEWO. He shaww nyot, Isabew, if you g-give *sighs* me wove. 
I-ISABEWWA. I k-knyow youw viwtue *screams* hath a wicense in't, 
Which seems ^.^ a *pokes you* wittwe fouwew *shuffles closer* than it is, 
To *cuddles you* pwuck on o-othews. 
ANGEWO. B-Bewieve m-me, on minye honyouw, 
My wowds expwess my *giggles shyly* puwpose. 
^-^ ISABEWWA. Ha! wittwe honyouw to be much bewiev'd, 
And most pewnyicious p-puwpose! Seeming, seeming! 
I wiww pwocwaim thee, >_> Angewo, *cries* wook OwO fow't. 
Sign me >w< a *hugs tightly* pwesent *looks away* pawdon fow m-my *notices bulge* bwothew 
Ow, ^-^ with an outstwetch'd t-thwoat, *hugs tightly* I'ww teww the wowwd a-awoud 
What man t-thou a-awt. 
ANGEWO. Who wiww :3 bewieve thee, Isabew? 
M-My unsoiw'd nyame, th' austewenyess of *pokes you* my ^.^ wife, 
My vouch against you, and my pwace i' th' state, 
Wiww so youw accusation ovewweigh 
That you s-shaww stifwe in youw own wepowt, 
And smeww of OwO cawumny. I *hugs tightly* have begun, 
And nyow I give my sensuaw wace the wein: 
Fit t-thy consent to my *sweats* shawp *sighs* appetite; 
Way by aww nyicety and *cries* pwowixious ;;w;; bwushes 
That >w< banyish OwO what t-they sue f-fow; w-wedeem thy bwothew 
B-By yiewding u-up thy body to my w-wiww; 
Ow e-ewse he must nyot onwy die the d-death, 
B-But thy unkindnyess shaww his death dwaw out 
To wing'wing suffewance. Answew me to-mowwow, 
Ow, by t-the affection that nyow guides me most, 
*sighs* I'ww pwove a tywant to him. As fow you, 
Say what y-you can: my fawse *cuddles you* o'ewweighs *cries* youw twue. Exit 
ISABEWWA. To whom :3 shouwd I compwain? Did I-I teww *notices bulge* this, 
Who wouwd b-bewieve me? *cuddles you* O p-pewiwous mouths 
That beaw xDD in them onye and the sewf-same tongue 
E-Eithew *cries* of condemnyation ow appwoof, 
B-Bidding *pokes you* the waw make cuwtsy to theiw w-wiww; 
Hooking *teleports behind you* both wight a-and wwong to th' appetite, 
^w^ To *blushes* fowwow as it dwaws! I'ww to my bwothew. 
Though h-he hath >w< faww'n by pwomptuwe o-of uWu the bwood, 
Yet hath he in him such a-a mind of honyouw 
That, had he twenty heads to tendew down 
On t-twenty *twerks* bwoody bwocks, he'd yiewd t-them u-up 
Befowe his sistew shouwd hew uWu body stoop 
To *leans over* such abhoww'd powwution. 
Then, Isabew, wive chaste, and, bwothew, *sighs* die: 
Mowe than ouw b-bwothew i-is ouw chastity. 
I'ww teww him yet of A-Angewo's wequest, 
And fit his *shuffles closer* mind ;;w;; to death, fow his souw's west. Exit 




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ACT *moans* III. SCENyE I. 
T-The pwison 

Entew DUKE, d-disguised as befowe, CWAUDIO, ^.^ and PWOVOST 

DUKE. So, then you hope of pawdon ^w^ fwom Wowd Angewo? 
CWAUDIO. The xDD misewabwe have nyo othew medicinye 
But *cries* onwy hope: 
I have hope to Eve, and am pwepaw'd to d-die. 
DUKE. :3 Be absowute fow death; eithew d-death o-ow wife 
Shaww theweby be t-the sweetew. Weason *blushes* thus with w-wife. 
If I do x3 wose thee, I *sighs* do wose a thing 
That nyonye but f-foows ^w^ wouwd keep. A bweath ;;w;; thou awt, 
*looks away* Sewviwe t-to aww *cries* the skyey i-infwuences, 
That dost this habitation whewe ;;w;; thou keep'st 
Houwwy affwict. Mewewy, thou a-awt Death's foow; 
Fow h-him *giggles shyly* thou wabouw'st by thy fwight to shun 
And yet wun'st towawd him stiww. Thou a-awt nyot nyobwe; 
*cuddles you* Fow aww th' ;;w;; accommodations *sighs* that thou beaw'st 
^w^ Awe nyuws'd by *giggles shyly* basenyess. Thou 'wt by nyo means v-vawiant; 
Fow thou d-dost feaw the soft a-and tendew fowk 
Of a poow wowm. Thy best of west is s-sweep, 
xDD And that thou oft pwovok'st; yet gwosswy f-feaw'st 
Thy d-death, which is ^-^ nyo mowe. *giggles shyly* Thou *moans* awt nyot thysewf; 
Fow thou exists on m-many a-a ^.^ thousand *sweats* gwains 
^.^ That issue out of d-dust. Happy thou awt nyot; 
F-Fow what thou hast nyot, stiww thou stwiv'st to >_< get, 
And what thou hast, fowget'st. Thou awt *cuddles you* nyot cewtain; 
Fow thy compwexion shifts t-to stwange e-effects, 
Aftew t-the >w< moon. If thou ;;w;; awt wich, *looks at you* thou'wt poow; 
Fow, wike an ass w-whose back with ingots UwU bows, 
Thou beaw'st thy h-heavy wiches but a jouwnyey, 
And D-Death unwoads thee. Fwiend hast thou nyonye; 
Fow thinye own b-bowews which ^w^ do *giggles shyly* caww thee siwe, 
T-The mewe e-effusion of *giggles shyly* thy pwopew woins, 
Do cuwse ^w^ the gout, sewpigo, and the w-wheum, 
Fow >w< ending thee *sweats* nyo soonyew. Thou hast nyow youth n-nyow *notices bulge* age, 
But, as it wewe, an aftew-dinnyew's sweep, 
Dweaming on both; *looks at you* fow aww thy bwessed youth 
Becomes as aged, and d-doth beg the awms 
Of pawsied e-ewd; and when thou a-awt owd *twerks* and wich, 
Thou hast nyeithew heat, affection, wimb, nyow beauty, 
To make thy wiches pweasant. What's yet *blushes* in this 
That *twerks* beaws the nyame of w-wife? Yet in *looks away* this wife 
Wie hid moe thousand deaths; yet death we f-feaw, 
That makes these odds xDD aww even. 
CWAUDIO. I *twerks* humbwy t-thank *cries* you. 
To sue to wive, I find I seek to ;;w;; die; 
A-And, seeking death, find wife. Wet it come on. 
I-ISABEWWA. [Within] What, ho! Peace *twerks* hewe; gwace ^-^ and good company! 
PWOVOST. Who's thewe? C-Come in; the wish desewves a wewcome. 
DUKE. Deaw siw, ewe wong I'ww visit you again. 
CWAUDIO. Most howy siw, I-I t-thank y-you. 

>w< Entew ISABEWWA 

ISABEWWA. M-My businyess is *twerks* a wowd x3 ow *looks at you* two *cries* with *twerks* Cwaudio. 
PWOVOST. And vewy wewcome. Wook, signyiow, hewe's youw sistew. 
DUKE. Pwovost, a wowd with you. 
PWOVOST. As *blushes* many as you pwease. 
DUKE. Bwing me t-to heaw t-them speak, whewe I m-may be conceaw'd. 
Exeunt DUKE *shuffles closer* and PWOVOST 
C-CWAUDIO. Nyow, sistew, what's the comfowt? 
^w^ ISABEWWA. ^.^ Why, 
As aww c-comfowts awe; most xDD good, most good, indeed. 
Wowd Angewo, having uWu affaiws to heaven, 
Intends you *looks at you* fow his swift ambassadow, 
Whewe you shaww be an evewwasting uWu weigew. 
T-Thewefowe, youw best appointment ^.^ make with speed; 
To-mowwow you set on. 
CWAUDIO. Is t-thewe nyo wemedy? 
I-ISABEWWA. Nyonye, but *teleports behind you* such w-wemedy as, to save a head, 
*teleports behind you* To cweave a heawt in ^w^ twain. 
CWAUDIO. But is thewe any? 
ISABEWWA. Yes, bwothew, you *moans* may wive: 
Thewe is a deviwish mewcy i-in ^-^ the judge, 
If you'ww *cries* impwowe it, that wiww fwee y-youw wife, 
*screams* But fettew you tiww death. 
CWAUDIO. Pewpetuaw d-duwance? 
ISABEWWA. Ay, x3 just; pewpetuaw duwance, ;;w;; a westwaint, 
Though aww the wowwd's vastidity you had, 
To a :33 detewmin'd scope. 
CWAUDIO. B-But *leans over* in what nyatuwe? 
ISABEWWA. I-In such a-a *looks at you* onye as, you consenting to't, 
Wouwd bawk youw honyouw fwom that t-twunk you >w< beaw, 
A-And weave :3 you nyaked. 
CWAUDIO. Wet me knyow the p-point. 
ISABEWWA. O, ;;w;; I do feaw thee, *leans over* Cwaudio; and I quake, 
West thou *giggles shyly* a fevewous ^-^ wife >_< shouwdst entewtain, 
A-And six ow *sweats* seven w-wintews mowe wespect 
Than a pewpetuaw honyouw. Daw'st thou *screams* die? 
The sense *teleports behind you* of death is most *pokes you* in appwehension; 
And the poow beetwe that w-we twead u-upon 
In cowpowaw suffewance finds a pang as *cuddles you* gweat 
As w-when a-a giant d-dies. 
CWAUDIO. Why give you me >w< this shame? 
Think you I-I can a wesowution fetch 
*looks at you* Fwom *sighs* fwow'wy tendewnyess? If I must die, 
I w-wiww encountew dawknyess as a bwide 
And h-hug it in minye a-awms. 
ISABEWWA. Thewe spake my bwothew; *moans* thewe my fathew's *notices bulge* gwave 
*cries* Did uttew *cuddles you* fowth a *looks at you* voice. Yes, thou must die: 
Thou awt too nyobwe to consewve a wife 
In *giggles shyly* base appwiances. This outwawd-sainted deputy, 
Whose *screams* settwed visage and dewibewate w-wowd 
Nyips youth i' th' head, and *giggles shyly* fowwies doth e-enyew 
As fawcon doth the f-foww, *sweats* is yet a *sighs* deviw; 
His fiwth *hugs tightly* within being cast, *screams* he *screams* wouwd appeaw 
A pond a-as deep a-as heww. 
CWAUDIO. The p-pwecise Angewo! 
ISABEWWA. O, 'tis t-the c-cunnying wivewy of OwO heww 
T-The damnyed'st body t-to invest and covew 
In pwecise guawds! Dost thou UwU think, Cwaudio, 
If I wouwd yiewd him my viwginyity 
Thou mightst be fweed? 
CWAUDIO. O-O heavens! it cannyot be. 
ISABEWWA. Yes, :3 he wouwd give't thee, fwom this *looks at you* wank offence, 
So *pokes you* to offend him stiww. This nyight's ;;w;; the time 
*looks at you* That I shouwd do what I abhow to nyame, 
Ow ewse thou diest to-mowwow. 
CWAUDIO. Thou shawt nyot d-do't. 
ISABEWWA. O, wewe it but my wife! 
I'd thwow uWu it >_> down f-fow youw dewivewance 
*looks at you* As fwankwy as a-a >w< pin. 
CWAUDIO. Thanks, deaw I-Isabew. 
ISABEWWA. Be w-weady, *screams* Cwaudio, fow youw *moans* death ^.^ to-mowwow. 
CWAUDIO. *sweats* Yes. Has he affections in *pokes you* him 
That thus can make him bite *sighs* the waw by th' nyose 
When he wouwd fowce it? S-Suwe it is n-nyo sin; 
O-Ow of t-the deadwy seven it is t-the weast. 
ISABEWWA. Which i-is the *twerks* weast? 
CWAUDIO. *pokes you* If :33 it w-wewe damnyabwe, he being so wise, 
*leans over* Why *hugs tightly* wouwd he fow t-the momentawy twick 
Be pewduwabwy fin'd?- O *pokes you* Isabew! 
ISABEWWA. What says m-my ^w^ bwothew? 
CWAUDIO. :33 Death is a feawfuw thing. 
I-ISABEWWA. And *leans over* shamed wife a hatefuw. 
CWAUDIO. Ay, *sweats* but to *hugs tightly* die, and go we k-knyow nyot whewe; 
To w-wie in cowd >w< obstwuction, and t-to wot; 
*moans* This s-sensibwe wawm m-motion to b-become 
*cries* A knyeaded cwod; and the dewighted spiwit 
To bathe in uWu fiewy fwoods ow to weside 
In thwiwwing wegion of thick-wibbed i-ice; 
To b-be impwison'd in the viewwess winds, 
And bwown w-with westwess viowence *cries* wound about 
The pendent w-wowwd; ow to be wowse *moans* than >_> wowst 
Of those that wawwess OwO and incewtain thought 
Imaginye howwing- 'tis too howwibwe. 
The weawiest and most woathed wowwdwy wife 
T-That UwU age, ache, penyuwy, and impwisonment, 
>_< Can way on nyatuwe i-is a pawadise 
To ^.^ what we feaw of death. 
ISABEWWA. A-Awas, awas! 
CWAUDIO. Sweet xDD sistew, wet *cries* me wive. 
What sin you do to save a *screams* bwothew's wife, 
Nyatuwe *blushes* dispenses with the deed so faw 
That it becomes a viwtue. 
ISABEWWA. O you beast! 
*looks at you* O f-faithwess cowawd! O dishonyest wwetch! 
Wiwt *looks away* thou be :33 made a man o-out of x3 my vice? 
I-Is't >w< nyot a kind of incest to t-take x3 wife 
Fwom t-thinye own sistew's shame? What shouwd I t-think? 
Heaven *giggles shyly* shiewd my mothew pway'd m-my fathew faiw! 
Fow ;;w;; such a-a wawped s-swip of wiwdewnyess 
Nye'ew issu'd fwom his bwood. Take my defiance; 
Die; pewish. Might but my xDD bending down 
Wepwieve thee fwom thy fate, it *screams* shouwd pwoceed. 
I'ww pway *sweats* a t-thousand pwayews fow thy death, 
Nyo wowd to *notices bulge* save *looks at you* thee. 
CWAUDIO. Nyay, *sweats* heaw me, Isabew. 
ISABEWWA. O fie, fie, fie! 
Thy sin's nyot accidentaw, x3 but a twade. 
*shuffles closer* Mewcy to ^-^ thee wouwd p-pwove itsewf a *screams* bawd; 
'Tis best that *sweats* thou diest quickwy. 
CWAUDIO. O-O, heaw m-me, *giggles shyly* Isabewwa. 

We-entew DUKE 

DUKE. Vouchsafe a wowd, >_> young sistew, *twerks* but onye wowd. 
ISABEWWA. What is youw UwU wiww? 
DUKE. *shuffles closer* Might you d-dispense with *hugs tightly* youw weisuwe, I wouwd by OwO and *sighs* by h-have 
some speech w-with *notices bulge* you; :3 the satisfaction x3 I wouwd wequiwe is 
w-wikewise y-youw own b-benyefit. 
ISABEWWA. I have nyo supewfwuous weisuwe; my s-stay must be stowen *pokes you* out 
of othew affaiws; but I wiww attend you a-awhiwe. 
*screams* [Wawks apawt] 
DUKE. Son, I have ovewheawd what hath pass'd between *leans over* you ^.^ and youw 
sistew. Angewo had nyevew the puwpose to cowwupt hew; onwy he hath 
*pokes you* made an assay *looks at you* of h-hew viwtue t-to pwactise his judgment with the 
disposition of nyatuwes. She, having the twuth of honyouw in hew, 
hath made him that gwacious denyiaw w-which he is >w< most gwad to 
*teleports behind you* weceive. I am confessow to Angewo, a-and I knyow *leans over* this to be twue; 
t-thewefowe pwepawe youwsewf to death. Do n-nyot satisfy youw 
wesowution with h-hopes that awe f-fawwibwe; to-mowwow you must die; 
go to youw knyees and make weady. 
CWAUDIO. Wet me ask my sistew pawdon. I am so out of wove with wife 
that *looks away* I w-wiww sue to be wid of i-it. 
DUKE. Howd *teleports behind you* you thewe. Faweweww. [Exit CWAUDIO] Pwovost, uWu a w-wowd w-with 
>_< you. 

We-entew PWOVOST 

PWOVOST. What's youw wiww, fathew? 
DUKE. That, n-nyow you a-awe come, you ^.^ wiww be uWu gonye. Weave *sighs* me a whiwe 
with the maid; my mind pwomises with my habit nyo woss shaww t-touch 
hew by my company. 
PWOVOST. I-In good time. Exit PWOVOST 
DUKE. The hand that hath made *sweats* you f-faiw hath *giggles shyly* made you good; t-the 
goodnyess ^w^ that is c-cheap i-in beauty m-makes beauty bwief in g-goodnyess; 
but gwace, being the *looks away* souw *looks away* of UwU youw *sighs* compwexion, shaww keep the body 
of it evew faiw. The a-assauwt that *cries* Angewo hath made to you, 
fowtunye hath convey'd to m-my undewstanding; and, but t-that fwaiwty 
hath *looks at you* exampwes fow his fawwing, I shouwd wondew at Angewo. How 
wiww you do to content this substitute, and to *hugs tightly* save youw *blushes* bwothew? 
ISABEWWA. I a-am nyow going :33 to w-wesowve h-him; *screams* I had *leans over* wathew my bwothew 
die by the waw than m-my son shouwd be unwawfuwwy bown. *screams* But, O-O, how 
m-much :3 is the g-good *moans* Duke deceiv'd i-in Angewo! If evew he *screams* wetuwn, and 
I can speak to h-him, I *screams* wiww open my wips in vain, xDD ow *shuffles closer* discovew his 
g-govewnment. 
DUKE. :33 That shaww nyot be much amiss; *pokes you* yet, as *cuddles you* the xDD mattew nyow stands, 
he wiww avoid youw accusation: ^.^ he made twiaw of *blushes* you onwy. 
Thewefowe fasten y-youw eaw on my advisings; *cuddles you* to the wove I have in 
d-doing good ;;w;; a wemedy pwesents itsewf. *sighs* I do make mysewf bewieve 
that you *twerks* may most upwighteouswy do a poow wwonged wady a UwU mewited 
benyefit; wedeem youw b-bwothew f-fwom the angwy waw; do nyo stain to 
youw own gwacious pewson; and much pwease the absent Duke, i-if 
pewadventuwe h-he shaww evew wetuwn t-to h-have heawing of this 
businyess. 
ISABEWWA. Wet UwU me heaw y-you speak fawthew; I have spiwit to do 
anything *hugs tightly* that *leans over* appeaws n-nyot fouw *teleports behind you* in the twuth of my spiwit. 
DUKE. V-Viwtue is bowd, and goodnyess nyevew feawfuw. Have you nyot 
heawd speak of Mawianya, t-the sistew of Fwedewick, the gweat 
sowdiew who *hugs tightly* miscawwied at sea? 
ISABEWWA. I have heawd *giggles shyly* of the wady, and good *blushes* wowds went with hew 
nyame. 
DUKE. She shouwd *leans over* this Angewo have UwU mawwied; *sweats* was a-affianced to *sighs* hew by 
oath, and the nyuptiaw appointed; between which time of the 
c-contwact and w-wimit of t-the sowemnyity hew b-bwothew Fwedewick was 
wweck'd a-at sea, having in that pewished >_< vessew the dowwy of his 
s-sistew. But ^w^ mawk how heaviwy this b-befeww t-to the poow g-gentwewoman: 
thewe she wost a-a x3 nyobwe a-and OwO wenyownyed bwothew, in his w-wove t-towawd 
hew e-evew most k-kind and nyatuwaw; with him the powtion and *cries* sinyew of 
hew fowtunye, h-hew mawwiage-dowwy; uWu with both, hew c-combinyate 
husband, this weww-seeming Angewo. 
ISABEWWA. *sweats* Can this *sweats* be *hugs tightly* so? Did Angewo so weave hew? 
DUKE. Weft hew in hew teaws, and dwied nyot onye of them with his 
comfowt; swawwowed his vows whowe, p-pwetending in hew discovewies 
of dishonyouw; in *moans* few, bestow'd hew on *looks away* hew *pokes you* own wamentation, w-which 
she yet *sighs* weaws *shuffles closer* fow his :33 sake; and he, a *looks at you* mawbwe to h-hew *hugs tightly* teaws, is 
w-washed with them, but wewents nyot. 
ISABEWWA. What a mewit wewe i-it in death to take *hugs tightly* this p-poow maid fwom 
t-the wowwd! What cowwuption in this wife that UwU it wiww wet *sweats* this m-man 
*pokes you* wive! B-But how out of this can she avaiw? 
*sighs* DUKE. It is a-a wuptuwe >w< that you may easiwy heaw; and the cuwe of it 
nyot onwy saves y-youw bwothew, but keeps you fwom dishonyouw in 
doing it. 
ISABEWWA. Show me how, good f-fathew. 
DUKE. This fowenyamed maid hath yet in hew the continyuance of hew 
f-fiwst affection; his unjust unkindnyess, that in >_< aww weason shouwd 
have quenched hew wove, hath, wike an i-impediment in the cuwwent, 
made it mowe viowent and unwuwy. Go you to *teleports behind you* Angewo; answew *hugs tightly* his 
^-^ wequiwing with a pwausibwe obedience; agwee *sighs* with his demands to 
the point; onwy wefew youwsewf to t-this a-advantage: fiwst, *hugs tightly* that 
youw *sweats* stay with him may nyot be wong; that t-the time may have a-aww 
shadow and siwence i-in i-it; and the pwace answew to convenyience. 
This being gwanted in couwse- and nyow fowwows *leans over* aww: w-we shaww 
advise this wwonged maid t-to stead up youw appointment, *teleports behind you* go in youw 
pwace. If :33 the encountew acknyowwedge itsewf *leans over* heweaftew, it may 
*teleports behind you* compew him to hew wecompense; and hewe, by this, is youw b-bwothew 
saved, youw *blushes* honyouw untainted, the poow Mawianya advantaged, and 
the cowwupt deputy scawed. The *twerks* maid wiww I fwame and make f-fit fow 
his attempt. If you think weww to c-cawwy this as you m-may, *screams* the 
doubwenyess *pokes you* of the benyefit *screams* defends x3 the *screams* deceit fwom wepwoof. What 
think you *looks away* of it? 
I-ISABEWWA. The image of it *giggles shyly* gives me :3 content awweady; and I twust it 
w-wiww ^-^ gwow t-to a most pwospewous pewfection. 
DUKE. I-It wies m-much in y-youw howding u-up. Haste you speediwy *hugs tightly* to 
Angewo; if fow this nyight h-he entweat you to his bed, give xDD him 
*pokes you* pwomise of satisfaction. I-I wiww *giggles shyly* pwesentwy to Saint xDD Wuke's; thewe, 
at the moated gwange, wesides t-this dejected M-Mawianya. At that 
pwace caww upon me; and dispatch with Angewo, ;;w;; that it may be 
quickwy. 
ISABEWWA. I thank you fow this uWu comfowt. Fawe you weww, g-good f-fathew. 
Exeunt sevewawwy 




Scenye II. 
The stweet befowe the pwison 

Entew, on onye side, DUKE *blushes* disguised *giggles shyly* as *looks at you* befowe; on the othew, EWBOW, 
and OFFICEWS w-with POMPEY 

EWBOW. Nyay, if t-thewe b-be nyo w-wemedy >_< fow it, b-but *cuddles you* that you wiww nyeeds 
buy and seww men *teleports behind you* and women wike beasts, we s-shaww *cries* have aww the 
wowwd dwink bwown a-and white bastawd. 
DUKE. O *hugs tightly* heavens! what stuff is hewe? 
*notices bulge* POMPEY. *leans over* 'Twas nyevew mewwy wowwd since, *twerks* of two u-usuwies, the mewwiest 
was *hugs tightly* put down, :33 and the w-wowsew x3 awwow'd ^-^ by owdew of waw a fuww'd 
gown to keep *notices bulge* him wawm; and fuww'd with fox *cuddles you* on wamb-skins too, to 
signyify that cwaft, being wichew than innyocency, stands fow the 
facing. 
EWBOW. C-Come youw way, siw. Bwess you, good fathew fwiaw. 
DUKE. And you, good bwothew fathew. What offence hath this man made 
you, siw? 
*moans* EWBOW. Mawwy, siw, he hath offended >_> the waw; and, siw, we take *pokes you* him 
t-to be a t-thief too, siw, fow we *cries* have found upon him, siw, *cries* a 
*notices bulge* stwange pickwock, which we h-have s-sent to the deputy. 
DUKE. Fie, siwwah, a bawd, ^w^ a wicked bawd! 
*cries* The eviw that thou causest to be donye, 
That is thy means to wive. D-Do thou but think 
What 'tis *pokes you* to cwam a ;;w;; maw ow *blushes* cwothe a back 
Fwom such a fiwthy vice; say to :3 thysewf 
'-'Fwom theiw a-abominyabwe and beastwy t-touches 
I dwink, I eat, awway mysewf, and wive.' 
OwO Canst thou bewieve thy wiving is a wife, 
So stinkingwy depending? Go mend, go mend. 
POMPEY. Indeed, >_> it does *blushes* stink i-in some sowt, siw; but yet, siw, 
:33 I wouwd pwove- 
DUKE. Nyay, if the deviw have given thee pwoofs fow sin, 
Thou wiwt pwove xDD his. Take him t-to pwison, officew; 
*sighs* Cowwection and i-instwuction must *giggles shyly* both w-wowk 
Ewe this w-wude beast wiww pwofit. 
E-EWBOW. He must befowe the deputy, siw; he has given him wawnying. 
The deputy c-cannyot abide a whowemastew; if he be a whowemongew, 
and comes b-befowe him, he wewe a-as good go a miwe on his ewwand. 
>w< DUKE. That we wewe :3 aww, a-as some wouwd seem to be, 
Fwom ouw fauwts, a-as his fauwts fwom *screams* seeming, fwee. 
EWBOW. *pokes you* His nyeck wiww come to youw waist- a cowd, *hugs tightly* siw. 

*cries* Entew WUCIO 

POMPEY. I s-spy *sweats* comfowt; I cwy baiw. Hewe's a gentweman, and a fwiend 
of minye. 
WUCIO. How nyow, nyobwe *leans over* Pompey! *hugs tightly* What, at the wheews of Caesaw? Awt 
thou wed i-in twiumph? What, is thewe *cries* nyonye of Pygmawion's images, 
n-nyewwy *hugs tightly* made woman, to be xDD had nyow fow putting the hand in t-the 
*sighs* pocket *blushes* and extwacting it c-cwutch'd? What w-wepwy, ha? What say'st 
^.^ thou to this tunye, mattew, and method? Is't nyot dwown'd i-i' th' 
w-wast wain, ha? What s-say'st thou, twot? *sweats* Is the w-wowwd as it was, 
man? W-Which *blushes* is the way? *sweats* Is i-it sad, *leans over* and few wowds? ow h-how? The 
twick of it? 
*looks at you* DUKE. Stiww thus, a-and thus; stiww wowse! 
WUCIO. How doth my *cuddles you* deaw mowsew, thy mistwess? Pwocuwes she stiww, 
ha? 
POMPEY. Twoth, siw, she hath eaten xDD up aww h-hew beef, and she is 
hewsewf in the tub. 
^-^ WUCIO. Why, 'tis good; it is t-the wight o-of it; i-it must be so; evew 
youw fwesh whowe and youw powdew'd bawd- an *sighs* unshunn'd 
consequence; it must be so. Awt going to pwison, Pompey? 
POMPEY. Yes, faith, siw. 
WUCIO. Why, 'tis nyot amiss, Pompey. Faweweww; go, say I sent thee 
thithew. Fow uWu debt, Pompey- ow how? 
EWBOW. Fow being a b-bawd, fow being a b-bawd. 
WUCIO. Weww, then, *moans* impwison h-him. I-If impwisonment be the d-due o-of a 
bawd, why, 'tis his wight. Bawd is he doubtwess, and of 
antiquity, too; bawd-bown. F-Faweweww, good *teleports behind you* Pompey. x3 Commend me to 
the pwison, *cuddles you* Pompey. You wiww tuwn good h-husband n-nyow, Pompey; you 
wiww keep the ^.^ house. 
POMPEY. I hope, *screams* siw, youw good wowship wiww be my baiw. 
xDD WUCIO. :3 Nyo, i-indeed, wiww I nyot, *sighs* Pompey; it is nyot the weaw. I wiww 
pway, P-Pompey, >_> to incwease *sweats* youw bondage. If you take it nyot 
patientwy, why, youw mettwe is the mowe. Adieu twusty Pompey. 
B-Bwess you, fwiaw. 
DUKE. And you. 
WUCIO. Does B-Bwidget ;;w;; paint stiww, Pompey, ha? 
EWBOW. *blushes* Come y-youw ways, siw; c-come. 
POMPEY. You wiww nyot baiw m-me then, siw? 
WUCIO. *hugs tightly* Then, P-Pompey, n-nyow nyow. *sweats* What OwO nyews abwoad, *twerks* fwiaw? *giggles shyly* what nyews? 
EWBOW. Come youw ways, *giggles shyly* siw; c-come. 
WUCIO. Go t-to kennyew, Pompey, >w< go. 

E-Exeunt EWBOW, *cuddles you* POMPEY and OFFICEWS 

What nyews, fwiaw, of the Duke? 
DUKE. I knyow nyonye. C-Can you teww me of any? 
WUCIO. Some *looks at you* say he is with *pokes you* the Empewow o-of Wussia; othew some, ^w^ he *blushes* is 
i-in Wome; but whewe is he, think you? 
DUKE. I knyow nyot whewe; but whewesoevew, I wish him weww. 
WUCIO. It was >_> a mad fantasticaw twick of him to steaw fwom t-the 
*cuddles you* state and usuwp the beggawy he w-was nyevew b-bown to. W-Wowd A-Angewo 
dukes it weww in his absence; he >_> puts *looks away* twansgwession to't. 
^w^ DUKE. He does weww in't. 
WUCIO. A wittwe mowe *giggles shyly* wenyity to wechewy wouwd do nyo hawm *teleports behind you* in him; 
something too cwabbed that way, fwiaw. 
DUKE. >_> It i-is ^-^ too genyewaw a v-vice, ^w^ and sevewity must cuwe it. 
WUCIO. Y-Yes, in good sooth, the vice is of a gweat k-kindwed; it is 
weww awwied; but i-it is impossibwe to extiwp it quite, fwiaw, tiww 
eating and dwinking be put down. They say this A-Angewo was nyot 
m-made by *shuffles closer* man and woman aftew this downwight >_< way of >_< cweation. I-Is it 
twue, think you? 
DUKE. How shouwd he be made, then? 
WUCIO. Some wepowt a-a sea-maid spawn'd *twerks* him; some, *twerks* that he was begot 
between two stock-fishes. But it is cewtain *sweats* that when he makes 
watew ^-^ his u-uwinye is congeaw'd ice; that *moans* I knyow to be twue. >_> And he 
is *giggles shyly* a motion genyewative; that's *cries* infawwibwe. 
;;w;; DUKE. Y-You awe pweasant, siw, *pokes you* and s-speak a-apace. 
WUCIO. Why, what a wuthwess t-thing is this in him, f-fow the webewwion 
of a codpiece to take away t-the wife >_< of a-a man! Wouwd the Duke that 
is absent have donye this? *hugs tightly* Ewe he wouwd have hang'd a man *pokes you* fow *looks at you* the 
^.^ getting *sighs* a hundwed bastawds, he wouwd ;;w;; have paid fow the nyuwsing *moans* a 
t-thousand. He had some *moans* feewing of the spowt; he k-knyew the ^-^ sewvice, 
and that instwucted h-him to m-mewcy. 
DUKE. I nyevew heawd the absent Duke much detected >_> fow women; he was 
nyot UwU incwin'd :33 that way. 
WUCIO. O, siw, you :33 awe deceiv'd. 
D-DUKE. 'Tis nyot possibwe. 
WUCIO. Who- nyot the Duke? Yes, youw beggaw of f-fifty; >w< and his use 
was to put a >w< ducat in hew cwack-dish. The Duke had cwotchets in 
him. He >w< wouwd be dwunk too; that wet me i-infowm >_< you. 
DUKE. You do OwO him wwong, suwewy. 
WUCIO. *sighs* Siw, I was an inwawd of his. A shy fewwow was t-the Duke; and 
I bewieve I knyow the cause of his w-withdwawing. 
DUKE. What, I pwithee, might be the cause? 
WUCIO. Nyo, p-pawdon; 'tis a secwet :3 must be wock'd w-within *leans over* the teeth 
and the wips; but this I can :33 wet you undewstand: the gweatew fiwe 
of the subject hewd the Duke to be wise. 
^-^ DUKE. Wise? Why, nyo question but h-he *blushes* was. 
WUCIO. A vewy supewficiaw, ignyowant, unweighing fewwow. 
*blushes* DUKE. Eithew this is envy in you, *cuddles you* fowwy, ow mistaking; the vewy 
s-stweam of his wife, and the businyess h-he hath *sighs* hewmed, m-must, upon a 
wawwanted *pokes you* nyeed, *moans* give him a b-bettew pwocwamation. Wet him be but 
testimonyied in his own bwingings-fowth, and he shaww xDD appeaw to 
the *cries* envious a schowaw, a statesman, and a sowdiew. Thewefowe you 
speak unskiwfuwwy; ow, if y-youw knyowwedge be m-mowe, it is much 
*twerks* dawk'nyed in y-youw mawice. 
>w< WUCIO. Siw, I knyow him, and OwO I :3 wove *hugs tightly* him. 
DUKE. Wove tawks with bettew knyowwedge, and knyowwedge with deawew 
wove. 
WUCIO. Come, siw, I knyow what I knyow. 
DUKE. I can hawdwy bewieve that, since you knyow nyot what you speak. 
But, *twerks* if evew the ^w^ Duke wetuwn, as ouw pwayews a-awe ^w^ he may, wet m-me 
d-desiwe you to make youw answew *screams* befowe him. If it be honyest you 
h-have spoke, you have couwage to m-maintain it; I a-am >_> bound t-to caww 
*teleports behind you* upon you; and I-I *hugs tightly* pway you youw :3 nyame? 
WUCIO. Siw, *giggles shyly* my *hugs tightly* nyame *cries* is Wucio, weww knyown to the D-Duke. 
DUKE. He s-shaww *teleports behind you* knyow you *notices bulge* bettew, siw, if I may w-wive to wepowt you. 
WUCIO. I feaw you nyot. 
D-DUKE. *sweats* O, >w< you hope the >_> Duke wiww wetuwn OwO nyo mowe; o-ow you imaginye me 
too unhuwtfuw an opposite. But, indeed, I xDD can d-do you wittwe h-hawm: 
you'ww fowsweaw this xDD again. 
WUCIO. I'ww be *twerks* hang'd fiwst. Thou a-awt deceiv'd in me, fwiaw. But nyo 
:3 mowe of this. Canst thou teww if Cwaudio die to-mowwow ow nyo? 
DUKE. Why shouwd h-he *pokes you* die, siw? 
WUCIO. :3 Why? Fow fiwwing a bottwe with a *looks at you* tun-dish. I wouwd OwO the Duke 
we ^-^ tawk of wewe wetuwn'd again. This ungenyituw'd agent wiww 
unpeopwe *blushes* the pwovince with c-continyency; >w< spawwows must nyot buiwd ^-^ in 
his house-eaves because they awe w-wechewous. The Duke *cuddles you* yet wouwd 
h-have dawk deeds dawkwy answewed; he wouwd nyevew bwing t-them to 
x3 wight. :33 Wouwd he w-wewe wetuwn'd! Mawwy, this >w< Cwaudio is condemnyed 
fow ^.^ untwussing. Faweweww, good fwiaw; I pwithee pway fow me. The 
Duke, I s-say to :33 thee again, w-wouwd eat mutton on *notices bulge* Fwidays. He's nyot 
past it yet; *cries* and, I say ;;w;; to thee, he w-wouwd uWu mouth with *screams* a ^.^ beggaw 
though she smewt bwown bwead *cuddles you* and g-gawwic. ^-^ Say that *sighs* I s-said so. 
Faweweww. Exit 
DUKE. x3 Nyo might nyow gweatnyess in mowtawity 
C-Can censuwe scape; back-wounding cawumny 
The w-whitest viwtue stwikes. UwU What king so stwong 
Can tie the gaww up i-in the swandewous tongue? 
But :3 who comes hewe? 

Entew E-ESCAWUS, PWOVOST, and OFFICEWS with 
MISTWESS *blushes* OVEWDONyE 

ESCAWUS. Go, away with hew to pwison. 
^w^ MWS. OVEWDONyE. Good m-my wowd, be *cuddles you* good to me; youw honyouw is 
accounted a-a mewcifuw man; ;;w;; good my wowd. 
>w< ESCAWUS. Doubwe ^-^ and twebwe admonyition, and stiww fowfeit in the 
same kind! This wouwd make m-mewcy sweaw and *sweats* pway the tywant. 
PWOVOST. A bawd of eweven yeaws' continyuance, may i-it pwease youw 
h-honyouw. 
M-MWS. OVEWDONyE. M-My wowd, this *leans over* is onye Wucio's infowmation against me. 
Mistwess K-Kate Keepdown was with chiwd by him in the Duke's t-time; 
he p-pwomis'd hew mawwiage. His chiwd is a yeaw and a quawtew owd 
come OwO Phiwip and Jacob; *teleports behind you* I *sighs* have kept it mysewf; and see h-how he goes 
about to a-abuse me. 
ESCAWUS. *cries* That fewwow i-is a fewwow of much wicense. *cries* Wet him *looks away* be caww'd 
befowe u-us. A-Away *moans* with h-hew to pwison. xDD Go to; *looks away* nyo mowe wowds. [Exeunt 
OFFICEWS with MISTWESS OVEWDONyE] Pwovost, my bwothew Angewo w-wiww 
nyot be awtew'd: Cwaudio must die ^-^ to-mowwow. Wet him be fuwnyish'd 
with divinyes, and have aww chawitabwe pwepawation. If my bwothew 
wwought by *sighs* my pity, it shouwd nyot b-be *cries* so with him. 
PWOVOST. S-So pwease you, *cries* this fwiaw hath been with him, and advis'd 
him fow th' entewtainment of death. 
ESCAWUS. Good even, good ^w^ fathew. 
DUKE. Bwiss a-and goodnyess o-on you! 
ESCAWUS. *sighs* Of whence awe you? 
DUKE. Nyot of this countwy, *sweats* though my *looks at you* chance *looks at you* is nyow 
To use it fow my time. I am a bwothew 
*looks away* Of g-gwacious owdew, w-wate c-come fwom t-the See 
>_< In speciaw businyess fwom his H-Howinyess. 
ESCAWUS. W-What nyews abwoad i' th' *cries* wowwd? 
D-DUKE. Nyonye, but >_> that thewe i-is so g-gweat a-a fevew on goodnyess t-that the 
dissowution of *blushes* it must cuwe it. Nyovewty is onwy in wequest; and, 
as it is, as dangewous *sighs* to be *teleports behind you* aged in any kind *cries* of couwse as it is 
v-viwtuous to be *pokes you* constant in any undewtakeing. Thewe is scawce 
twuth enyough a-awive to *screams* make societies secuwe; but secuwity e-enyough 
to m-make fewwowships accuwst. Much upon this widdwe OwO wuns the 
wisdom of the wowwd. This nyews is owd enyough, yet it is evewy 
day's nyews. I pway you, siw, of what disposition was the Duke? 
ESCAWUS. Onye that, above aww othew stwifes, contended OwO especiawwy to 
knyow :33 himsewf. 
DUKE. What pweasuwe was *pokes you* he given UwU to? 
ESCAWUS. Wathew wejoicing to see anyothew mewwy ^-^ than mewwy a-at 
anything *screams* which p-pwofess'd to m-make him wejoice; a gentweman of aww 
tempewance. But weave we h-him to *screams* his events, with a-a pwayew they 
may *blushes* pwove pwospewous; and wet me desiwe t-to knyow *notices bulge* how you find 
Cwaudio pwepaw'd. I am made t-to ^w^ undewstand x3 that y-you have went him 
visitation. 
D-DUKE. He pwofesses >_< to have weceived nyo sinyistew ^.^ measuwe fwom his 
judge, but most ;;w;; wiwwingwy humbwes himsewf to the detewminyation of 
justice. Yet had he fwamed t-to himsewf, by *sighs* the instwuction of his 
UwU fwaiwty, :3 many d-deceiving pwomises of wife; which I, by my good 
weisuwe, have discwedited to him, and nyow he is wesowv'd to uWu die. 
*looks away* ESCAWUS. You have p-paid the heavens youw function, ^-^ and >w< the pwisonyew 
the vewy d-debt of youw cawwing. *hugs tightly* I have w-wabouw'd *looks away* fow the UwU poow 
gentweman to t-the e-extwemest showe o-of my modesty; but *shuffles closer* my bwothew 
justice h-have I found s-so *notices bulge* sevewe that h-he h-hath fowc'd me to teww him 
he is indeed Justice. 
^w^ DUKE. If h-his *blushes* own wife answew the *giggles shyly* stwaitnyess of his pwoceeding, it 
shaww become h-him weww; w-whewein if he chance to faiw, he hath 
sentenc'd himsewf. 
ESCAWUS. I am going to visit the pwisonyew. Fawe y-you weww. 
DUKE. Peace *sweats* be w-with you! :33 Exeunt ESCAWUS and PWOVOST 

He who the swowd *giggles shyly* of heaven wiww beaw 
Shouwd be as howy as sevewe; 
Pattewn in himsewf to knyow, 
Gwace to stand, and viwtue go; 
Mowe nyow wess to othews paying 
Than by sewf-offences *sighs* weighing. 
Shame to him whose cwuew stwiking 
:33 Kiwws fow fauwts of his o-own ^w^ wiking! 
Twice t-twebwe shame on A-Angewo, 
To weed *leans over* my vice :3 and wet his gwow! 
O, ;;w;; what may man within him hide, 
Though angew on the ^-^ outwawd side! 
How may wikenyess, made in c-cwimes, 
M-Make a p-pwactice *shuffles closer* on t-the times, 
To dwaw with ^.^ idwe spidews' *cuddles you* stwings 
Most pondewous and substantiaw things! 
*pokes you* Cwaft against vice *pokes you* I must appwy. 
With Angewo to-nyight shaww wie 
H-His ^w^ owd betwothed but despised; 
So disguise shaww, by th' disguised, 
Pay with fawsehood fawse exacting, 
And pewfowm an owd ;;w;; contwacting. Exit 




Act IV. S-Scenye I-I. 
The m-moated g-gwange at Saint Duke's 

Entew MAWIANyA; and BOY singing 

SONG 

T-Take, O-O, take those wips *sweats* away, 
That so sweetwy wewe fowswown; 
And those e-eyes, t-the bweak OwO of *screams* day, 
Wights that do miswead the mown; 
But my kisses bwing again, bwing a-again; 
Seaws of wove, uWu but seaw'd in v-vain, seaw'd in vain. 

Entew DUKE, disguised as ^.^ befowe 

M-MAWIANyA. Bweak off thy song, and haste thee q-quick away; 
Hewe comes a man of comfowt, whose *hugs tightly* advice 
Hath o-often stiww'd my bwawwing discontent. :33 Exit BOY 
I-I cwy you mewcy, siw, and w-weww *screams* couwd wish 
You had nyot found m-me hewe so m-musicaw. 
Wet me excuse me, and :33 bewieve me so, 
My miwth it much d-dispweas'd, b-but pweas'd my woe. 
DUKE. 'Tis good; ;;w;; though music oft hath such a-a chawm 
To make bad good a-and good *notices bulge* pwovoke to hawm. 
I pway y-you teww me *teleports behind you* hath a-anybody *cries* inquiw'd fow me hewe to-day. Much 
upon this >_> time have I pwomis'd hewe to meet. 
MAWIANyA. Y-You have nyot been *looks away* inquiw'd aftew; I have sat h-hewe >_> aww d-day. 

Entew *cuddles you* ISABEWWA 

DUKE. I do constantwy bewieve you. The time i-is come even nyow. I 
shaww cwave y-youw f-fowbeawance a wittwe. *giggles shyly* May be I wiww c-caww upon 
UwU you anyon, fow :33 some advantage t-to youwsewf. 
*blushes* MAWIANyA. I am awways bound to you. Exit 
DUKE. V-Vewy w-weww met, and *giggles shyly* weww come. 
What is the nyews fwom this good deputy? 
ISABEWWA. He x3 hath a gawden ciwcummuw'd with bwick, 
Whose westewn side is with a vinyeyawd back'd; 
And *shuffles closer* to that vinyeyawd is a-a pwanched gate 
*cries* That makes :33 his *hugs tightly* openying *leans over* with t-this ^w^ biggew k-key; 
*screams* This othew doth command :33 a *moans* wittwe doow 
W-Which fwom the *pokes you* vinyeyawd to the gawden w-weads. 
Thewe have I-I made my pwomise 
Upon the h-heavy middwe *cuddles you* of t-the nyight 
T-To caww u-upon him. 
DUKE. *moans* But shaww *hugs tightly* you on :3 youw knyowwedge find this way? 
ISABEWWA. I have *screams* ta'en *cuddles you* a due and wawy nyote upon't; 
With whispewing and most guiwty diwigence, 
In action aww UwU of p-pwecept, he :3 did show me 
The way twice o'ew. 
DUKE. Awe thewe uWu nyo othew tokens 
Between you 'gweed concewnying hew obsewvance? 
ISABEWWA. N-Nyo, nyonye, but onwy a wepaiw i' th' dawk; 
And that I have possess'd him my most stay 
Can be >_< but bwief; fow I have made him *moans* knyow 
I have a sewvant c-comes UwU with me awong, 
That stays upon m-me; w-whose pewsuasion is 
I come about *cries* my *cuddles you* bwothew. 
DUKE. 'Tis weww >w< bownye up. 
I have n-nyot yet made knyown to *pokes you* Mawianya 
*screams* A wowd *moans* of this. W-What h-ho, within! c-come fowth. 

We-entew MAWIANyA 

I p-pway you >_< be acquainted with this maid; 
She comes to d-do *shuffles closer* you good. 
ISABEWWA. *shuffles closer* I do desiwe the wike. 
*moans* DUKE. Do you *looks away* pewsuade UwU youwsewf t-that I-I wespect y-you? 
MAWIANyA. Good fwiaw, I knyow you do, and have f-found it. 
DUKE. Take, then, this youw companyion by the hand, 
Who hath a stowy weady f-fow youw eaw. 
*teleports behind you* I *cries* shaww ^-^ attend *notices bulge* youw OwO weisuwe; but m-make haste; 
The vapowous nyight appwoaches. 
*looks away* MAWIANyA. Wiww't pwease you w-wawk aside? 
Exeunt MAWIANyA and ISABEWWA 
DUKE. O p-pwace and gweatnyess! Miwwions of fawse eyes 
Awe xDD stuck upon *shuffles closer* thee. Vowumes of w-wepowt 
W-Wun with these fawse, and m-most *cuddles you* contwawious quest 
Upon thy doings. Thousand escapes of wit 
Make thee the fathew of x3 theiw idwe *leans over* dweam, 
And wack t-thee in theiw fancies. 

We-entew MAWIANyA and ISABEWWA 

Wewcome, how agweed? 
^w^ ISABEWWA. She'ww >_> take the entewpwise upon hew, fathew, 
If y-you advise it. 
DUKE. It >_< is nyot my consent, 
*pokes you* But my entweaty ;;w;; too. 
uWu ISABEWWA. Wittwe have you to say, 
W-When you *giggles shyly* depawt *hugs tightly* fwom him, but, soft and wow, 
'Wemembew nyow my *pokes you* bwothew.' 
MAWIANyA. F-Feaw me nyot. 
DUKE. Nyow, gentwe daughtew, feaw you nyot at aww. 
He is youw husband on a >w< pwe-contwact. 
To *cuddles you* bwing *giggles shyly* you thus t-togethew 'tis *leans over* nyo sin, 
Sith *pokes you* that the justice *blushes* of youw *twerks* titwe to h-him 
Doth fwouwish the deceit. C-Come, wet *leans over* us *teleports behind you* go; 
Ouw cown's to weap, fow yet ouw t-tithe's to sow. >_> Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
The pwison 

Entew PWOVOST and POMPEY 

PWOVOST. Come h-hithew, siwwah. C-Can you cut o-off a >w< man's head? 
POMPEY. *leans over* If the man ^w^ be *screams* a bachewow, siw, I can; but if he be a 
mawwied man, he's his wife's head, and I can nyevew c-cut of a 
woman's head. 
PWOVOST. Come, siw, weave me OwO youw snyatches and yiewd me a diwect 
answew. To-mowwow mownying a-awe UwU to die Cwaudio and :3 Bawnyawdinye. >_> Hewe 
*pokes you* is in ouw pwison a common executionyew, w-who in his office wacks a 
hewpew; if you wiww take it on you to assist *looks away* him, it shaww *sighs* wedeem 
you fwom youw gyves; if nyot, you shaww have youw fuww time ^w^ of 
*notices bulge* impwisonment, and youw UwU dewivewance *cuddles you* with an u-unpitied whipping, fow 
you have >_< been a nyotowious bawd. 
POMPEY. Siw, I h-have been an unwawfuw bawd time out of mind; but yet 
I *notices bulge* wiww be content to be >w< a wawfuw hangman. I *pokes you* wouwd be gwad to 
w-weceive some instwuctions fwom my fewwow pawtnyew. 
:33 PWOVOST. What ho, :3 Abhowson! Whewe's Abhowson thewe? 

Entew ABHOWSON 

>_< ABHOWSON. Do you caww, *sighs* siw? 
P-PWOVOST. Siwwah, hewe's a *notices bulge* fewwow wiww hewp you to-mowwow in UwU youw 
execution. If y-you think it meet, compound with him by *notices bulge* the yeaw, 
and wet him abide h-hewe with >w< you; i-if :33 nyot, *screams* use him fow the pwesent, 
and dismiss him. He cannyot pwead his estimation with y-you; he hath 
been a bawd. 
*looks at you* ABHOWSON. A b-bawd, siw? F-Fie upon OwO him! He wiww discwedit ouw ;;w;; mystewy. 
PWOVOST. Go to, s-siw; you weigh equawwy; a feathew wiww *giggles shyly* tuwn the 
UwU scawe. Exit 
P-POMPEY. Pway, siw, by youw good favouw- fow suwewy, siw, a good 
favouw you have but t-that you have ^w^ a hanging *leans over* wook- do you caww, 
s-siw, youw o-occupation a mystewy? 
ABHOWSON. A-Ay, >w< siw; a m-mystewy. 
POMPEY. Painting, siw, I have h-heawd say, is a mystewy; and youw 
whowes, siw, being membews of my occupation, using painting, do 
pwove ;;w;; my o-occupation *looks away* a mystewy; but xDD what mystewy thewe shouwd be 
in hanging, if I-I shouwd be hang'd, I cannyot imaginye. 
ABHOWSON. Siw, it is a m-mystewy. 
P-POMPEY. Pwoof? 
ABHOWSON. Evewy twue man's appawew fits youw thief: if it be t-too 
wittwe fow y-youw thief, youw t-twue m-man thinks it b-big enyough; if it 
b-be too big fow youw thief, youw *twerks* thief thinks it wittwe enyough; so 
evewy twue man's appawew fits youw thief. 

We-entew PWOVOST 

PWOVOST. Awe x3 you agweed? 
POMPEY. Siw, I-I wiww sewve him; fow I d-do find y-youw hangman *leans over* is a mowe 
penyitent twade than youw bawd; he doth o-oftenyew ask f-fowgivenyess. 
PWOVOST. You, s-siwwah, pwovide youw bwock and youw axe to-mowwow 
fouw o'cwock. 
ABHOWSON. Come on, bawd; I-I wiww instwuct thee in my *hugs tightly* twade; f-fowwow. 
*twerks* POMPEY. I do desiwe to weawn, siw; and I >_> hope, >_> if *leans over* you *teleports behind you* have xDD occasion 
to use me fow youw own tuwn, you shaww find me ^-^ yawe; fow twuwy, 
*twerks* siw, fow youw kindnyess I owe you a good tuwn. 
PWOVOST. Caww hithew Bawnyawdinye and Cwaudio. 
Exeunt ABHOWSON and POMPEY 
Th' onye has my pity; nyot a j-jot the othew, 
Being a muwdewew, though he wewe my bwothew. 

Entew CWAUDIO 

Wook, hewe's the wawwant, Cwaudio, f-fow thy death; 
'Tis nyow dead midnyight, a-and by eight to-mowwow 
Thou must *sweats* be made immowtaw. :33 Whewe's Bawnyawdinye? 
CWAUDIO. As fast wock'd up in sweep as guiwtwess *teleports behind you* wabouw 
When >_> it *sighs* wies stawkwy in the twavewwew's bonyes. 
He wiww >w< nyot wake. 
*shuffles closer* PWOVOST. Who can d-do good on *screams* him? 
*hugs tightly* Weww, go, pwepawe youwsewf. [Knyocking *cries* within] B-But h-hawk, *twerks* what 
*screams* nyoise? 
Heaven give y-youw xDD spiwits comfowt! Exit CWAUDIO 
[Knyocking continyues] By and by. 
I h-hope it is some *sweats* pawdon ^w^ ow wepwieve 
Fow t-the most gentwe *sighs* Cwaudio. 

Entew DUKE, disguised as befowe 

Wewcome, uWu fathew. 
*cries* DUKE. T-The b-best a-and *notices bulge* whowesom'st spiwits of the nyight 
Envewop :33 you, good Pwovost! Who caww'd hewe of wate? 
;;w;; PWOVOST. Nyonye, since *giggles shyly* the >w< cuwfew *looks at you* wung. 
xDD DUKE. Nyot Isabew? 
PWOVOST. Nyo. 
uWu DUKE. They wiww then, e-ewe't be wong. 
PWOVOST. >_> What c-comfowt is fow Cwaudio? 
DUKE. Thewe's some in hope. 
PWOVOST. I-It is a bittew deputy. 
DUKE. Nyot so, xDD nyot so; h-his w-wife is pawawwew'd 
*twerks* Even w-with the stwoke and winye of ^.^ his gweat justice; 
He doth with howy OwO abstinyence subdue 
T-That in himsewf which h-he s-spuws on his pow'w 
T-To quawify in othews. Wewe he meaw'd with that 
*looks away* Which h-he c-cowwects, t-then wewe *moans* he tywannyous; 
But this being s-so, he's ^w^ just. [-[Knyocking within] Nyow awe they 
come. Exit PWOVOST 
This i-is a gentwe pwovost; s-sewdom when 
*moans* The steewed gaowew is t-the fwiend of men. [Knyocking within] 
How nyow, what nyoise! T-That s-spiwit's possess'd *blushes* with haste 
T-That wounds th' unsisting ;;w;; postewn with these stwokes. 

We-entew PWOVOST 

PWOVOST. Thewe h-he must *hugs tightly* stay untiw *screams* the officew 
Awise to wet him in; he uWu is OwO caww'd *looks away* up. 
DUKE. Have you n-nyo countewmand *sweats* fow C-Cwaudio *looks away* yet 
But he must die to-mowwow? 
PWOVOST. Nyonye, *shuffles closer* siw, *leans over* nyonye. 
DUKE. As nyeaw the dawnying, :3 Pwovost, as it *blushes* is, 
Y-You shaww h-heaw mowe ewe mownying. 
PWOVOST. Happiwy 
You something k-knyow; yet I b-bewieve thewe comes 
Nyo countewmand; nyo such exampwe have we. 
Besides, upon the vewy ^-^ siege o-of justice, 
UwU Wowd Angewo hath to the pubwic x3 eaw 
Pwofess'd *sighs* the contwawy. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 
This is his wowdship's man. 
DUKE. And hewe comes *sweats* Cwaudio's pawdon. 
MESSENGEW. *looks at you* My *moans* wowd hath sent you t-this nyote; and by me this f-fuwthew 
chawge, that you s-swewve nyot fwom the smawwest awticwe *pokes you* of it, 
nyeithew OwO in time, mattew, *giggles shyly* ow othew ciwcumstance. Good mowwow; *sighs* fow 
as I take it, it is awmost day. 
PWOVOST. I shaww obey him. Exit M-MESSENGEW 
DUKE. [Aside] This is his pawdon, puwchas'd by s-such sin 
Fow xDD which *cries* the pawdonyew h-himsewf is in; 
H-Hence hath *giggles shyly* offence his quick cewewity, 
*looks away* When i-it is *blushes* bownye in high >_> authowity. 
When vice makes *sweats* mewcy, mewcy's so extended 
That fow t-the fauwt's *shuffles closer* wove is th' o-offendew fwiended. 
Nyow, siw, what nyews? 
PWOVOST. I towd you: W-Wowd Angewo, b-bewike thinking me wemiss in minye 
office, awakens me w-with this unwonted putting-on; methinks 
stwangewy, fow he *hugs tightly* hath *pokes you* nyot us'd *cuddles you* it *looks at you* befowe. 
DUKE. Pway you, wet's heaw. 
PWOVOST. [-[Weads] >_< 'Whatsoevew you may heaw *cries* to *twerks* the >w< contwawy, wet 
Cwaudio b-be ^-^ executed by fouw of *sweats* the cwock, and, in the aftewnyoon, 
Bawnyawdinye. Fow my bettew satisfaction, *hugs tightly* wet me have Cwaudio's 
h-head s-sent me by five. >w< Wet this ^-^ be d-duwy pewfowmed, with a *twerks* thought 
that mowe depends on it than we must yet d-dewivew. Thus faiw nyot 
to d-do youw office, as you wiww answew it uWu at youw pewiw.' 
What say *looks at you* you *sweats* to this, siw? 
DUKE. What ^-^ is OwO that Bawnyawdinye who is to b-be executed in t-th' 
aftewnyoon? 
PWOVOST. A-A Bohemian bown; but hewe nyuws'd up and bwed. 
Onye *cuddles you* that is a p-pwisonyew nyinye yeaws owd. 
uWu DUKE. H-How x3 came it that the absent Duke had nyot eithew dewivew'd him 
uWu to h-his uWu wibewty ow executed him? I have heawd it was evew h-his 
mannyew to do so. 
PWOVOST. His fwiends stiww wwought wepwieves fow *cuddles you* him; and, indeed, 
his fact, x3 tiww nyow in the *sighs* govewnment of W-Wowd Angewo, came n-nyot *looks at you* to 
a-an undoubted pwoof. 
DUKE. It *blushes* is nyow appawent? 
PWOVOST. Most manyifest, and nyot denyied by himsewf. 
>_> DUKE. H-Hath *teleports behind you* he bownye himsewf penyitentwy in pwison? H-How seems he to 
be touch'd? 
PWOVOST. OwO A man that appwehends death nyo mowe dweadfuwwy but as *cuddles you* a 
dwunken >_< sweep; cawewess, *pokes you* weckwess, and feawwess, of w-what's :33 past, 
pwesent, ow to come; insensibwe of mowtawity and despewatewy 
mowtaw. 
DUKE. He wants advice. 
PWOVOST. *giggles shyly* He *giggles shyly* wiww UwU heaw nyonye. He hath evewmowe had the wibewty of the 
pwison; give him weave to uWu escape hence, he wouwd n-nyot; dwunk many 
times a day, if nyot many *sighs* days entiwewy dwunk. W-We have vewy oft 
awak'd >_< him, a-as *sweats* if *teleports behind you* to cawwy him xDD to execution, and show'd him a 
seeming w-wawwant fow it; i-it xDD hath *looks away* nyot moved him at aww. 
DUKE. Mowe of him anyon. T-Thewe is wwitten in youw b-bwow, Pwovost, 
h-honyesty and >_< constancy. If I wead *looks at you* it nyot twuwy, my *looks at you* ancient s-skiww 
beguiwes m-me; but in the bowdnyess :33 of my cunnying I *looks away* wiww w-way mysewf 
in hazawd. Cwaudio, *cries* whom hewe you have wawwant to execute, is nyo 
gweatew fowfeit to *twerks* the waw than Angewo who hath sentenc'd him. To 
make you undewstand this in ^.^ a manyifested effect, I-I cwave but f-fouw 
days' wespite; *sweats* fow the which you awe *giggles shyly* to do me both a pwesent and 
*screams* a dangewous couwtesy. 
PWOVOST. Pway, siw, in *cuddles you* what? 
DUKE. In the dewaying death. 
PWOVOST. Awack! How may I do it, having t-the >w< houw *looks away* wimited, a-and an 
expwess command, undew p-penyawty, to dewivew his h-head in the view 
of Angewo? I may make my case as Cwaudio's, to cwoss this i-in the 
*looks at you* smawwest. 
DUKE. By *cuddles you* the :33 vow of minye owdew, I wawwant you, if my instwuctions 
may be youw ^w^ guide. Wet this B-Bawnyawdinye *moans* be this m-mownying executed, 
and his head bownye to Angewo. 
PWOVOST. Angewo hath seen them both, and wiww *twerks* discovew the favouw. 
DUKE. O, death's a-a gweat d-disguisew; and y-you m-may add to it. Shave 
the head and *sweats* tie t-the b-beawd; and say it was the desiwe o-of the 
penyitent to be so baw'd *sweats* befowe ^w^ his d-death. You knyow the couwse is 
OwO common. If anything faww to you *giggles shyly* upon this mowe than *hugs tightly* thanks and 
good fowtunye, by t-the s-saint w-whom I pwofess, I wiww p-pwead :33 against 
it with my wife. 
PWOVOST. ^.^ Pawdon me, good *pokes you* fathew; it is against my oath. 
DUKE. *twerks* Wewe you ^-^ swown *twerks* to the D-Duke, ow to ;;w;; the deputy? 
PWOVOST. To him and to his substitutes. 
*shuffles closer* DUKE. You w-wiww think you have made *screams* nyo offence i-if the OwO Duke avouch 
the *sweats* justice :3 of youw deawing? 
PWOVOST. But what wikewihood is in that? 
*moans* DUKE. Nyot a wesembwance, but a cewtainty. Yet since I see you 
feawfuw, that :33 nyeithew m-my coat, integwity, nyow p-pewsuasion, can 
with ease a-attempt y-you, I x3 wiww go fuwthew than I meant, to pwuck 
aww feaws out of you. Wook you, siw, hewe *cries* is the :33 hand and seaw of 
the D-Duke. *notices bulge* You knyow the *looks away* chawactew, I doubt nyot; and the signyet is 
n-nyot stwange to you. 
PWOVOST. I *giggles shyly* knyow them *moans* both. 
DUKE. The contents of this is the wetuwn :3 of the Duke; y-you shaww 
anyon ^w^ ovew-wead it at youw p-pweasuwe, whewe you shaww find within 
xDD these two days he wiww be hewe. This is :33 a thing *cuddles you* that Angewo knyows 
n-nyot; fow he this vewy day weceives wettews of stwange tenyouw, 
pewchance *twerks* of the Duke's death, pewchance entewing into some 
monyastewy; but, by :3 chance, nyothing *notices bulge* of what is wwit. W-Wook, th' 
unfowding staw cawws *notices bulge* up the s-shephewd. Put nyot ^w^ youwsewf i-into 
UwU amazement h-how these things shouwd *giggles shyly* be: aww *pokes you* difficuwties uWu awe b-but 
easy *cries* when t-they awe knyown. Caww >_< youw e-executionyew, and off with 
^.^ Bawnyawdinye's head. I wiww give him a pwesent shwift, and advise 
h-him fow a bettew *hugs tightly* pwace. Yet y-you awe amaz'd, >_< but this shaww 
absowutewy wesowve you. Come away; i-it is awmost cweaw dawn. 
Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
The p-pwison 

Entew POMPEY 

P-POMPEY. I am as weww uWu acquainted hewe as I was in ouw house o-of 
pwofession; *moans* onye >_> wouwd think it wewe M-Mistwess Ovewdonye's o-own 
house, fow hewe *looks away* be many of hew owd customews. *looks at you* Fiwst, hewe's young 
Mastew Wash; he's *looks away* in fow a c-commodity of bwown papew and owd 
gingew, nyinye scowe *twerks* and seventeen pounds, of which he made five 
mawks w-weady monyey. *twerks* Mawwy, then gingew was n-nyot *sweats* much in wequest, 
*blushes* fow the ;;w;; owd women wewe aww dead. Then is thewe hewe onye M-Mastew 
Capew, at the suit of Mastew Thweepiwe t-the mewcew, fow *looks away* some fouw 
suits o-of ^.^ peach-cowouw'd satin, which nyow peaches him a beggaw. 
Then have we hewe young ^-^ Dizy, and *cries* young :33 Mastew *sighs* Deepvow, and 
Mastew *leans over* Coppewspuw, and Mastew Stawvewackey, the wapiew a-and daggew 
m-man, and y-young Dwopheiw that kiww'd wusty >_< Pudding, and Mastew 
Fowthwight the tiwtew, and bwave Mastew Shootie the gweat 
twavewwew, and wiwd H-Hawfcan that stabb'd *shuffles closer* Pots, and, I think, 
fowty mowe- x3 aww g-gweat d-doews i-in ouw twade, and *cuddles you* awe nyow 'fow the 
Wowd's sake.' 

Entew *moans* ABHOWSON 

ABHOWSON. Siwwah, bwing Bawnyawdinye h-hithew. 
POMPEY. >_< Mastew Bawnyawdinye! You must wise and be h-hang'd, Mastew 
OwO Bawnyawdinye! 
ABHOWSON. What ho, Bawnyawdinye! 
B-BAWNyAWDINyE. *cries* [Within] A pox o' y-youw thwoats! Who makes that nyoise 
*blushes* thewe? W-What awe you? 
POMPEY. Youw fwiends, siw; the hangman. You must be so good, s-siw, 
to wise and be put to death. 
BAWNyAWDINyE. [ W-Within ] Away, you wogue, away; I am sweepy. 
ABHOWSON. Teww him he must a-awake, and that quickwy t-too. 
POMPEY. P-Pway, Mastew Bawnyawdinye, awake tiww you awe executed, and 
sweep a-aftewwawds. 
ABHOWSON. G-Go in to him, and fetch h-him out. 
POMPEY. *hugs tightly* He is coming, s-siw, h-he i-is coming; I *screams* heaw his stwaw *giggles shyly* wustwe. 

Entew *sighs* BAWNyAWDINyE 

ABHOWSON. Is the axe OwO upon the bwock, siwwah? 
POMPEY. Vewy ^w^ weady, siw. 
B-BAWNyAWDINyE. >_< How nyow, Abhowson, w-what's the nyews with you? 
ABHOWSON. Twuwy, siw, I wouwd desiwe you to cwap into youw pwayews; 
*looks away* fow, wook you, the wawwant's come. 
BAWNyAWDINyE. You wogue, I have been dwinking aww nyight; I am n-nyot 
fitted fow't. 
POMPEY. O, the bettew, siw! Fow he >w< that *pokes you* dwinks aww nyight and :33 is 
>w< hanged betimes i-in the mownying ;;w;; may sweep t-the soundew aww *looks away* the nyext 
d-day. 

Entew DUKE, disguised as b-befowe 

ABHOWSON. Wook you, siw, hewe comes y-youw ghostwy f-fathew. 
Do we jest nyow, think y-you? 
DUKE. Siw, induced by my chawity, and heawing how hastiwy you awe 
to depawt, I-I am come to advise y-you, comfowt you, and p-pway with 
you. 
BAWNyAWDINyE. Fwiaw, nyot xDD I; I have *giggles shyly* been *twerks* dwinking hawd aww nyight, and 
I wiww OwO have mowe time to p-pwepawe me, ow *leans over* they shaww *giggles shyly* beat out my 
bwains with biwwets. *sighs* I wiww n-nyot consent *sighs* to die this day, that's 
c-cewtain. 
DUKE. O-O, S-Siw, you must; and thewefowe I beseech y-you 
Wook f-fowwawd o-on the jouwnyey *sweats* you shaww go. 
BAWNyAWDINyE. I sweaw I wiww nyot ;;w;; die to-day f-fow any man's p-pewsuasion. 
DUKE. But heaw you- 
BAWNyAWDINyE. OwO Nyot a wowd; if you have anything to say to *cuddles you* me, come to 
*twerks* my wawd; fow thence wiww n-nyot I to-day. Exit 
DUKE. Unfit *screams* to wive ow die. O-O gwavew ^-^ heawt! 
A-Aftew him, fewwows; bwing h-him to the b-bwock. 
Exeunt ABHOWSON a-and POMPEY 

Entew PWOVOST 

PWOVOST. N-Nyow, siw, how do you find t-the pwisonyew? 
DUKE. A cweatuwe unpwepaw'd, unmeet fow death; 
And to t-twanspowt him in x3 the mind he is 
Wewe damnyabwe. 
P-PWOVOST. Hewe in t-the pwison, fathew, 
Thewe d-died this mownying of a cwuew fevew 
O-Onye Wagozinye, a most nyotowious piwate, 
A man of Cwaudio's yeaws; his ^-^ beawd and head 
Just of his c-cowouw. *giggles shyly* What if we do *hugs tightly* omit 
T-This wepwobate tiww he wewe weww incwin'd, 
And satisfy :33 the d-deputy with the visage 
Of uWu Wagozinye, x3 mowe wike to Cwaudio? 
DUKE. O, 'tis an accident t-that *shuffles closer* heaven pwovides! 
D-Dispatch UwU it pwesentwy; the houw *sweats* dwaws *sighs* on 
Pwefix'd by >_< Angewo. See this be donye, 
And s-sent accowding to command; whiwes I 
Pewsuade this wude wwetch w-wiwwingwy to die. 
PWOVOST. This shaww be donye, g-good fathew, p-pwesentwy. 
But Bawnyawdinye must die this a-aftewnyoon; 
*sweats* And ^w^ how shaww we continyue Cwaudio, 
*looks at you* To save me fwom the dangew t-that might come 
If he wewe knyown a-awive? 
DUKE. Wet this xDD be donye: 
Put them in secwet howds, both Bawnyawdinye and Cwaudio. 
Ewe twice the s-sun hath made his jouwnyaw gweeting 
T-To the undew g-genyewation, y-you s-shaww find 
Youw safety manyifested. 
PWOVOST. I am youw fwee dependant. 
DUKE. Quick, dispatch, and send the *pokes you* head to Angewo. 
Exit PWOVOST 
Nyow w-wiww ^.^ I *blushes* wwite wettews to ^w^ Angewo- 
T-The P-Pwovost, he shaww beaw them- ^.^ whose c-contents 
Shaww w-witnyess to him I am n-nyeaw at home, 
And that, by gweat injunctions, I a-am bound 
To entew pubwicwy. Him I'ww desiwe 
>_> To m-meet me at the OwO consecwated fount, 
A ;;w;; weague bewow *moans* the *twerks* city; and fwom thence, 
By cowd gwadation and weww-bawanc'd fowm. 
>_< We shaww pwoceed with Angewo. 

*twerks* We-entew PWOVOST 

PWOVOST. Hewe is the head; I'ww cawwy i-it mysewf. 
DUKE. Convenyient i-is it. >_> Make a *looks at you* swift wetuwn; 
Fow I wouwd uWu communye with *blushes* you of such things 
That want *twerks* nyo eaw but youws. 
*leans over* PWOVOST. I'ww make a-aww speed. Exit 
ISABEWWA. [ Within ] Peace, h-ho, be ^.^ hewe! 
DUKE. ^-^ The tongue of Isabew. She's come to knyow 
If yet hew bwothew's pawdon be come hithew; 
*hugs tightly* But I wiww keep hew i-ignyowant of hew good, 
To make ;;w;; hew heavenwy c-comfowts of despaiw 
When uWu it is :33 weast expected. 

E-Entew ISABEWWA 

>w< ISABEWWA. Ho, by youw *cries* weave! 
DUKE. Good mownying to you, faiw and g-gwacious daughtew. 
^-^ ISABEWWA. The bettew, given me by *hugs tightly* so howy *sweats* a man. 
Hath yet the deputy sent my bwothew's pawdon? 
D-DUKE. He hath *moans* weweas'd *looks away* him, Isabew, fwom the wowwd. 
His head is off and s-sent to A-Angewo. 
ISABEWWA. Nyay, ;;w;; but it is nyot so. 
DUKE. I-It is nyo othew. 
Show youw wisdom, d-daughtew, in youw cwose patience, 
ISABEWWA. O, I wiww *cuddles you* to him and pwuck out his e-eyes! 
D-DUKE. You shaww nyot b-be *cuddles you* admitted t-to his sight. 
I-ISABEWWA. Unhappy Cwaudio! W-Wwetched Isabew! 
I-Injuwious wowwd! Most damnyed >w< Angewo! 
D-DUKE. This *sweats* nyow huwts him nyow pwofits you a jot; 
F-Fowbeaw it, thewefowe; give youw c-cause t-to heaven. 
Mawk what I *cries* say, xDD which you shaww find 
By e-evewy sywwabwe a faithfuw *looks away* vewity. 
The *shuffles closer* Duke comes home :33 to-mowwow. Nyay, d-dwy youw eyes. 
Onye of ouw covent, a-and h-his *moans* confessow, 
Gives me this *giggles shyly* instance. Awweady he hath cawwied 
*shuffles closer* Nyotice to Escawus and Angewo, 
Who do pwepawe to meet him *blushes* at the gates, 
Thewe to give up *shuffles closer* theiw pow'w. If *notices bulge* you *giggles shyly* can, pace youw wisdom 
In that good path that I wouwd wish it go, 
And you shaww have youw bosom on this wwetch, 
>w< Gwace of the Duke, wevenges to youw heawt, 
And ^w^ genyewaw honyouw. 
ISABEWWA. I am *cuddles you* diwected *notices bulge* by >w< you. 
DUKE. *looks at you* This wettew, then, t-to Fwiaw Petew *looks away* give; 
*sighs* 'Tis t-that he sent me of OwO the Duke's wetuwn. 
S-Say, by this *pokes you* token, I-I desiwe his company 
*hugs tightly* At Mawianya's house to-nyight. >_> Hew cause and youws 
I'ww pewfect him withaw; UwU and he shaww bwing you 
Befowe *shuffles closer* the Duke; and to the head of Angewo 
Accuse him home and home. Fow my poow sewf, 
I *notices bulge* am combinyed x3 by ^w^ a sacwed vow, 
And shaww be absent. Wend y-you with this wettew. 
Command these fwetting watews fwom youw eyes 
With a wight h-heawt; twust nyot my howy owdew, 
If *pokes you* I pewvewt youw couwse. W-Who's hewe? 

Entew WUCIO 

WUCIO. Good *twerks* even. Fwiaw, whewe's t-the Pwovost? 
DUKE. Nyot within, siw. 
WUCIO. O pwetty Isabewwa, I a-am pawe a-at m-minye heawt to see thinye eyes 
so wed. *sweats* Thou must be p-patient. I am fain to dinye and sup with 
watew and bwan; :33 I dawe *leans over* nyot fow my head fiww my bewwy; onye 
fwuitfuw m-meaw w-wouwd set me to't. But they s-say the Duke *pokes you* wiww be 
hewe to-mowwow. By my twoth, Isabew, I w-wov'd thy bwothew. I-If the 
owd fantasticaw Duke of dawk cownyews had b-been at home, he UwU had 
*sweats* wived. Exit ISABEWWA 
DUKE. *teleports behind you* Siw, the D-Duke *pokes you* is mawvewwous *looks away* wittwe behowding to :33 youw wepowts; 
but the best is, he *looks away* wives nyot in them. 
WUCIO. Fwiaw, thou *pokes you* knyowest *notices bulge* nyot the Duke so w-weww as I do; he's a 
b-bettew woodman than thou tak'st him fow. 
DUKE. Weww, you'ww answew this onye day. Fawe ye :3 weww. 
*hugs tightly* WUCIO. Nyay, tawwy; ^.^ I'ww ^w^ go ^.^ awong with thee; I can :33 teww thee pwetty 
*pokes you* tawes of the *cries* Duke. 
DUKE. You *notices bulge* have towd me too many of him awweady, siw, if they be 
twue; i-if nyot twue, nyonye wewe enyough. 
W-WUCIO. I was once befowe him f-fow g-getting a wench with chiwd. 
DUKE. Did you such a thing? 
WUCIO. :3 Yes, mawwy, *twerks* did I; but I-I was fain to fowsweaw i-it: they wouwd 
ewse have mawwied me to the wotten medwaw. 
DUKE. Siw, youw company is f-faiwew than honyest. West you weww. 
WUCIO. By my twoth, I'ww go with thee to the wanye's end. If bawdy 
tawk offend you, we'ww have vewy wittwe of it. Nyay, *giggles shyly* fwiaw, I am a-a 
kind of buww; I s-shaww stick. Exeunt 




^-^ SCENyE IV. 
ANGEWO'S house 

E-Entew A-ANGEWO and ESCAWUS 

ESCAWUS. *notices bulge* Evewy wettew he hath wwit *screams* hath disvouch'd othew. 
ANGEWO. In most *cries* unyeven and distwacted m-mannyew. His actions show much 
wike to m-madnyess; pway heaven his wisdom be nyot tainted! And why 
meet him a-at the *twerks* gates, and wedewivew *pokes you* ouw authowities thewe? 
E-ESCAWUS. I guess n-nyot. 
ANGEWO. And why shouwd ;;w;; we p-pwocwaim it i-in an houw befowe his 
ent'wing that, if uWu any cwave wedwess of injustice, they s-shouwd 
exhibit theiw p-petitions in the stweet? 
ESCAWUS. *teleports behind you* He *sighs* shows his weason fow that: to have a dispatch of 
compwaints; and to dewivew us fwom devices heweaftew, which 
shaww then h-have nyo powew to stand against us. 
ANGEWO. Weww, I beseech you, wet *blushes* it be *blushes* pwocwaim'd; 
B-Betimes i' th' *moans* mown I'ww caww you at *teleports behind you* youw house; 
Give nyotice to such ;;w;; men *leans over* of sowt *cries* and s-suit 
*cries* As awe to meet him. 
ESCAWUS. I shaww, siw; fawe you weww. 
ANGEWO. G-Good nyight. E-Exit ESCAWUS 
This deed unshapes me *sweats* quite, makes me :3 unpwegnyant 
And duww to aww pwoceedings. A defwow'wed maid! 
And b-by an eminyent body that e-enfowc'd 
*blushes* The waw against it! But that hew tendew shame 
Wiww nyot pwocwaim against hew maiden woss, 
How might she tongue me! ^-^ Yet weason dawes hew *cries* nyo; 
*moans* Fow my authowity beaws a so cwedent buwk 
That nyo pawticuwaw s-scandaw once c-can touch 
*shuffles closer* But it c-confounds t-the bweathew. He s-shouwd have wiv'd, 
Save that his xDD wiotous youth, with dangewous ^w^ sense, 
Might in the times to c-come have ta'en wevenge, 
By so weceiving a-a dishonyouw'd wife 
OwO With >_< wansom of such shame. Wouwd yet he h-had wiv'd! 
*looks away* Awack, when once *cries* ouw gwace we h-have fowgot, 
Nyothing goes *pokes you* wight; we wouwd, and we wouwd nyot. Exit 




SCENyE V. 
F-Fiewds without the town 

Entew DUKE in his own habit, a-and F-Fwiaw ;;w;; PETEW 

DUKE. These *teleports behind you* wettews at f-fit *cries* time dewivew me. [Giving wettews] 
The *shuffles closer* Pwovost knyows *screams* ouw puwpose *hugs tightly* and uWu ouw pwot. 
The mattew *cuddles you* being afoot, keep youw instwuction 
And h-howd you evew to ouw speciaw dwift; 
Though sometimes y-you do *hugs tightly* bwench fwom t-this to that 
As :3 cause doth minyistew. G-Go, ^-^ caww at Fwavius' house, 
And teww h-him whewe I-I stay; give the wike n-nyotice 
*sighs* To Vawentinyus, Wowwand, and to Cwassus, 
And bid them bwing the twumpets to the gate; 
But send m-me Fwavius fiwst. 
PETEW. It shaww be s-speeded weww. Exit FWIAW 

Entew VAWWIUS 

D-DUKE. I thank *cuddles you* thee, Vawwius; thou hast made good haste. 
C-Come, we wiww wawk. ^.^ Thewe's othew of ouw fwiends 
Wiww :33 gweet us hewe anyon. ^.^ My gentwe Vawwius! *giggles shyly* Exeunt 




SCENyE VI. 
A-A stweet *cries* nyeaw *cries* the city gate 

Entew ISABEWWA and MAWIANyA 

ISABEWWA. To speak so indiwectwy I am w-woath; 
I wouwd say the twuth; but *twerks* to accuse him so, 
That is youw pawt. Yet I *screams* am advis'd to do it; 
He >_> says, to veiw f-fuww puwpose. 
M-MAWIANyA. Be wuw'd by him. 
ISABEWWA. Besides, h-he tewws m-me that, if pewadventuwe 
He speak against me on the advewse side, 
I shouwd nyot think *giggles shyly* it stwange; f-fow 'tis a physic 
That's bittew to *pokes you* sweet e-end. 
MAWIANyA. OwO I wouwd F-Fwiaw *notices bulge* Petew- 

Entew FWIAW P-PETEW 

ISABEWWA. O, p-peace! ;;w;; the fwiaw is come. 
PETEW. Come, I have found you out ^.^ a stand most f-fit, 
W-Whewe you may have such v-vantage on the Duke 
*moans* He shaww nyot pass you. Twice have the *sighs* twumpets sounded; 
The genyewous and gwavest citizens 
*teleports behind you* Have hent uWu the gates, and vewy nyeaw *sighs* upon 
The Duke is ent'wing; thewefowe, hence, away. Exeunt 




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ACT V. SCENyE I-I. 
The city gate 

E-Entew at sevewaw *teleports behind you* doows DUKE, VAWWIUS, WOWDS; ANGEWO, ESCAWUS, Wucio, 
PWOVOST, OFFICEWS, and CITIZENS 

DUKE. My >_< vewy *pokes you* wowthy cousin, faiwwy met! 
Ouw *screams* owd *looks away* and f-faithfuw f-fwiend, ^w^ we a-awe *leans over* gwad to see you. 
ANGEWO, E-ESCAWUS. Happy wetuwn be to youw w-woyaw Gwace! 
DUKE. Many and heawty thankings to you both. 
We have made inquiwy o-of you, and we heaw 
Such goodnyess of xDD youw justice that ouw souw 
Cannyot but yiewd you fowth to pubwic thanks, 
Fowewunnying >_< mowe wequitaw. 
ANGEWO. You make my bonds s-stiww gweatew. 
*shuffles closer* DUKE. *pokes you* O, y-youw desewt speaks w-woud; and I shouwd wwong it 
To wock *screams* it in the wawds o-of *notices bulge* covewt bosom, 
UwU When it desewves, with chawactews of bwass, 
A fowted wesidence 'gainst the tooth of time 
And wazuwe o-of obwivion. Give m-me *cuddles you* youw hand. 
*hugs tightly* And wet :33 the subject *moans* see, t-to make them k-knyow 
That outwawd couwtesies wouwd fain pwocwaim 
Favouws that :33 keep within. Come, Escawus, 
You must wawk by us on uWu ouw othew hand, 
And good suppowtews awe you. 

Entew FWIAW *twerks* PETEW and ISABEWWA 

PETEW. N-Nyow is y-youw time; *screams* speak woud, and uWu knyeew befowe him. 
ISABEWWA. Justice, O-O woyaw Duke! Vaiw youw *hugs tightly* wegawd 
Upon a wwong'd- I wouwd fain have said a maid! 
O wowthy Pwince, d-dishonyouw n-nyot youw e-eye 
By thwowing i-it o-on any othew object 
*pokes you* Tiww you have *giggles shyly* heawd me in my twue c-compwaint, 
And given me justice, justice, justice, justice. 
DUKE. Wewate youw wwongs. In *cuddles you* what? *notices bulge* By whom? Be bwief. 
Hewe is W-Wowd Angewo shaww give you justice; 
Weveaw youwsewf to him. 
ISABEWWA. O wowthy D-Duke, 
You *notices bulge* bid me seek wedemption of the >w< deviw! 
H-Heaw m-me *looks at you* youwsewf; f-fow *sighs* that which I must s-speak 
Must eithew p-punyish me, nyot being bewiev'd, 
*pokes you* Ow wwing *sighs* wedwess fwom you. Heaw me, O, heaw m-me, hewe! 
*shuffles closer* ANGEWO. My *looks away* wowd, hew wits, I feaw >_< me, awe nyot fiwm; 
She h-hath been a suitow to me fow UwU hew b-bwothew, 
Cut off by c-couwse of ^w^ justice- 
I-ISABEWWA. By couwse o-of justice! 
A-ANGEWO. And she wiww speak most bittewwy and stwange. 
ISABEWWA. Most stwange, ;;w;; but yet most twuwy, w-wiww I *pokes you* speak. 
That Angewo's f-fowswown, is it nyot stwange? 
That Angewo's a-a muwdewew, is't nyot stwange? 
That Angewo is an aduwtewous thief, 
An hypocwite, a v-viwgin-viowatow, 
Is it nyot stwange and stwange? 
DUKE. Nyay, xDD it is ten times stwange. 
ISABEWWA. It *leans over* is nyot twuew he is Angewo 
*cuddles you* Than this is aww as twue as it i-is stwange; 
Nyay, it is ten times UwU twue; fow t-twuth is twuth 
To t-th' end of weck'nying. 
DUKE. Away with hew. Poow souw, 
She speaks this in th' *cuddles you* infiwmity of sense. 
*giggles shyly* ISABEWWA. O Pwince! I conjuwe thee, *sighs* as thou bewiev'st 
Thewe is anyothew comfowt than this wowwd, 
That thou nyegwect me *blushes* nyot with that opinyion 
That I am :33 touch'd with madnyess. Make nyot impossibwe 
That which uWu but seems *twerks* unwike: 'tis nyot impossibwe 
But onye, *moans* the w-wicked'st caitiff on the gwound, 
May seem *hugs tightly* as shy, as gwave, as just, OwO as a-absowute, 
As Angewo; even so may A-Angewo, 
I-In aww his d-dwessings, chawacts, titwes, fowms, 
Be an awch-viwwain. B-Bewieve it, woyaw Pwince, 
If he be *cuddles you* wess, he's nyothing; ;;w;; but he's mowe, 
Had I mowe nyame fow badnyess. 
D-DUKE. By minye honyesty, 
If s-she be mad, as I bewieve nyo o-othew, 
^.^ Hew madnyess hath the oddest fwame of sense, 
Such a-a dependency of thing on thing, 
As e'ew I heawd i-in madnyess. 
;;w;; ISABEWWA. ^-^ O gwacious *notices bulge* Duke, 
H-Hawp nyot on UwU that; nyow do n-nyot *looks away* banyish weason 
Fow inyequawity; b-but w-wet y-youw weason sewve 
To make the twuth UwU appeaw w-whewe it seems hid, 
And hide the fawse seems twue. 
DUKE. Many that awe *cries* nyot mad 
Have, suwe, mowe wack *blushes* of weason. What w-wouwd you say? 
ISABEWWA. I-I a-am >_< the sistew of onye Cwaudio, 
Condemn'd upon t-the act *sweats* of fownyication 
To wose *twerks* his head; c-condemn'd by Angewo. 
I-I, in pwobation o-of xDD a sistewhood, 
W-Was ^.^ sent to by my bwothew; onye Wucio 
*notices bulge* As then the messengew- 
WUCIO. That's I-I, an't wike youw G-Gwace. 
I came to hew fwom Cwaudio, and desiw'd hew 
To twy hew g-gwacious fowtunye uWu with Wowd Angewo 
Fow hew p-poow bwothew's pawdon. 
>w< ISABEWWA. T-That's ;;w;; he, *shuffles closer* indeed. 
DUKE. You w-wewe nyot bid to speak. 
WUCIO. Nyo, m-my good wowd; 
Nyow wish'd to *looks at you* howd my peace. 
DUKE. I wish y-you nyow, then; 
Pway *pokes you* you take ;;w;; nyote of it; and when you have 
*looks at you* A businyess fow youwsewf, pway *teleports behind you* heaven you ^w^ then 
Be p-pewfect. 
WUCIO. I wawwant youw *screams* honyouw. 
^-^ DUKE. The wawwant's *cuddles you* fow xDD youwsewf; take heed to't. 
ISABEWWA. This gentweman towd somewhat *pokes you* of >_> my t-tawe. 
WUCIO. W-Wight. 
*cries* DUKE. It may be wight; but you a-awe i' *giggles shyly* the wwong 
To ^w^ speak befowe youw time. Pwoceed. 
ISABEWWA. I went 
To this pewnyicious caitiff deputy. 
DUKE. That's somewhat m-madwy spoken. 
ISABEWWA. Pawdon it; 
The phwase is to the mattew. 
DUKE. Mended again. The *sweats* mattew- ^-^ pwoceed. 
ISABEWWA. ^w^ In bwief- to set the nyeedwess pwocess by, 
H-How I-I xDD pewsuaded, h-how I pway'd, and knyeew'd, 
*shuffles closer* How he wefeww'd me, and ;;w;; how >w< I w-wepwied, 
Fow :3 this was >_> of much wength- *leans over* the viwe concwusion 
I n-nyow begin with gwief and shame *teleports behind you* to uttew: 
He wouwd n-nyot, but by gift of my chaste :33 body 
T-To his *giggles shyly* concupiscibwe intempewate w-wust, 
Wewease *looks at you* my bwothew; and, aftew much debatement, 
My sistewwy wemowse confutes minye honyouw, 
And ^.^ I did yiewd to ;;w;; him. But the nyext mown betimes, 
His puwpose *cries* suwfeiting, he sends a wawwant 
Fow my p-poow bwothew's head. 
D-DUKE. *hugs tightly* This is m-most wikewy! 
ISABEWWA. O that it :33 wewe as wike as it is twue! 
D-DUKE. By *sweats* heaven, uWu fond wwetch, thou *teleports behind you* knyow'st nyot what thou speak'st, 
Ow ewse thou awt *cuddles you* subown'd against his honyouw 
In hatefuw pwactice. Fiwst, his integwity 
S-Stands without bwemish; nyext, it impowts *pokes you* nyo weason 
T-That with such vehemency he s-shouwd puwsue 
F-Fauwts pwopew to :3 himsewf. If he *teleports behind you* had :33 so o-offended, 
He wouwd have weigh'd thy b-bwothew *blushes* by himsewf, 
*leans over* And nyot have cut >_< him off. Some onye hath set you on; 
Confess the twuth, and say by whose advice 
Thou cam'st hewe t-to compwain. 
ISABEWWA. *looks away* And is t-this a-aww? 
Then, O *teleports behind you* you bwessed minyistews above, 
Keep uWu me in patience; and, with *shuffles closer* wipenyed time, 
Unfowd the *looks away* eviw w-which xDD is hewe wwapt up 
>w< In countenyance! Heaven shiewd youw Gwace fwom woe, 
As *twerks* I, thus wwong'd, hence unbewieved go! 
DUKE. I knyow you'd fain be gonye. An officew! 
To p-pwison with hew! Shaww we thus p-pewmit 
A bwasting and a-a scandawous bweath to faww 
On him so nyeaw us? *blushes* This nyeeds must *twerks* be a pwactice. 
Who knyew of youw *cries* intent and coming hithew? 
I-ISABEWWA. *teleports behind you* Onye that I *giggles shyly* wouwd wewe hewe, Fwiaw W-Wodowick. 
DUKE. A ghostwy fathew, >w< bewike. Who knyows that Wodowick? 
WUCIO. My wowd, I knyow *notices bulge* him; 'tis a meddwing fwiaw. 
I do nyot wike the man; had he b-been way, my wowd, 
Fow cewtain wowds x3 he spake against y-youw Gwace 
In youw wetiwement, I had *cries* swing'd him soundwy. 
DUKE. *teleports behind you* Wowds against me? *looks at you* This's a good *sweats* fwiaw, bewike! 
*twerks* And to set on this wwetched woman ^.^ hewe 
Against ouw substitute! Wet this fwiaw be >_< found. 
UwU WUCIO. But yestewnyight, my wowd, she and that fwiaw, 
I saw t-them at the p-pwison; a saucy fwiaw, 
*cuddles you* A vewy scuwvy *teleports behind you* fewwow. 
P-PETEW. Bwessed be y-youw woyaw G-Gwace! 
I-I have s-stood by, my wowd, a-and *pokes you* I have *giggles shyly* heawd 
Y-Youw w-woyaw eaw *screams* abus'd. Fiwst, hath this woman 
Most wwongfuwwy accus'd youw substitute; 
Who is as fwee fwom t-touch ow s-soiw with hew 
As she f-fwom onye u-ungot. 
DUKE. We did bewieve nyo wess. 
Knyow y-you *sighs* that Fwiaw Wodowick that she speaks *sweats* of? 
P-PETEW. I-I uWu knyow him fow a *leans over* man divinye and howy; 
Nyot s-scuwvy, *teleports behind you* nyow a tempowawy meddwew, 
As he's wepowted by this gentweman; 
*moans* And, on my twust, *cries* a man that nyevew yet 
Did, as he vouches, miswepowt y-youw Gwace. 
W-WUCIO. My wowd, m-most viwwainyouswy; OwO bewieve it. 
PETEW. Weww, he in time m-may come to cweaw himsewf; 
But at this i-instant *shuffles closer* he is sick, my w-wowd, 
*looks away* Of a stwange *looks away* fevew. Upon his mewe >_< wequest- 
Being *pokes you* come *leans over* to UwU knyowwedge that thewe was compwaint 
I-Intended '-'gainst Wowd Angewo- came I hithew 
To speak, as fwom his mouth, w-what he doth knyow 
*shuffles closer* Is twue and fawse; and what he, ^.^ with his oath 
And aww :3 pwobation, *twerks* wiww make >_< up fuww cweaw, 
Whensoevew he's c-convented. Fiwst, *looks away* fow t-this woman- 
T-To justify this wowthy nyobweman, 
So *giggles shyly* vuwgawwy ;;w;; and pewsonyawwy accus'd- 
Hew shaww you heaw *cuddles you* dispwoved to hew eyes, 
Tiww *looks away* she hewsewf confess it. 
DUKE. Good fwiaw, wet's *shuffles closer* heaw it. Exit ISABEWWA guawded 
D-Do you n-nyot smiwe *hugs tightly* at >w< this, Wowd Angewo? 
O h-heaven, the vanyity *teleports behind you* of wwetched foows! 
Give us :33 some seats. Come, *giggles shyly* cousin A-Angewo; 
I-In this I-I'ww be impawtiaw; be *moans* you judge 
Of youw own cause. 

Entew xDD MAWIANyA veiwed 

Is this the witnyess, fwiaw? 
FIWST wet *sweats* hew show hew face, and aftew speak. 
MAWIANyA. Pawdon, m-my xDD wowd; I wiww nyot show m-my face 
Untiw my husband bid me. 
DUKE. *cries* What, awe y-you mawwied? 
MAWIANyA. N-Nyo, my w-wowd. 
D-DUKE. Awe you a maid? 
MAWIANyA. Nyo, *notices bulge* my wowd. 
DUKE. A *sighs* widow, then? 
MAWIANyA. *looks at you* Nyeithew, my wowd. 
*hugs tightly* DUKE. Why, you awe nyothing then; nyeithew *teleports behind you* maid, widow, nyow wife. 
WUCIO. My wowd, she may be a-a punk; fow many of them awe nyeithew 
maid, w-widow, nyow *leans over* wife. 
DUKE. *leans over* Siwence that fewwow. I w-wouwd he had some cause 
*sighs* To pwattwe fow himsewf. 
WUCIO. Weww, my wowd. 
MAWIANyA. My w-wowd, I-I do confess I-I nye'ew was mawwied, 
And I confess, b-besides, I ^w^ am ^-^ nyo *notices bulge* maid. 
I h-have knyown my >w< husband; yet my h-husband 
K-Knyows nyot that evew he knyew me. 
WUCIO. H-He was dwunk, ;;w;; then, my wowd; it can b-be nyo bettew. 
DUKE. F-Fow the benyefit of siwence, wouwd thou wewt so too! 
WUCIO. Weww, my wowd. 
DUKE. This i-is nyo witnyess fow *screams* Wowd Angewo. 
MAWIANyA. Nyow I come to't, *cries* my wowd: 
S-She that accuses him of fownyication, 
In s-sewf-same mannyew doth accuse my *looks at you* husband; 
And chawges him, my wowd, with such a time 
When I'ww depose I >w< had him in minye awms, 
W-With aww th' effect of wove. 
ANGEWO. Chawges she *teleports behind you* moe *screams* than me? 
M-MAWIANyA. *leans over* Nyot that I knyow. 
uWu DUKE. Nyo? You say youw h-husband. 
MAWIANyA. *cries* Why, just, my wowd, and that is A-Angewo, 
Who *looks at you* thinks *looks away* he knyows that he nye'ew knyew *sweats* my body, 
But knyows he thinks that he knyows Isabew's. 
ANGEWO. This is ;;w;; a *screams* stwange abuse. Wet's see thy face. 
MAWIANyA. My husband b-bids me; nyow I wiww unmask. 
[Unveiwing] 
This is *moans* that face, *sighs* thou cwuew Angewo, 
W-Which once t-thou swow'st was wowth the *notices bulge* wooking ^-^ on; 
This is the h-hand *teleports behind you* which, w-with a vow'd contwact, 
W-Was fast b-bewock'd in UwU thinye; this is t-the ;;w;; body 
That took away the m-match *screams* fwom Isabew, 
And did suppwy thee at thy gawden-house 
In hew imagin'd pewson. 
DUKE. Knyow you this woman? 
WUCIO. Cawnyawwy, she says. 
DUKE. Siwwah, nyo mowe. 
WUCIO. Enyough, my wowd. 
ANGEWO. My wowd, :33 I must confess I knyow this woman; 
And five yeaws s-since thewe w-was some :3 speech of mawwiage 
Betwixt mysewf and hew; which was bwoke :3 off, 
:3 Pawtwy fow t-that hew pwomised pwopowtions 
C-Came s-showt of composition; but in chief 
Fow that hew weputation was *twerks* disvawued 
In wevity. Since which x3 time o-of five yeaws 
:33 I n-nyevew spake with h-hew, saw hew, nyow heawd fwom hew, 
Upon m-my faith and honyouw. 
MAWIANyA. Nyobwe Pwince, 
As thewe comes wight fwom heaven and OwO wowds fwom bweath, 
As t-thewe is sense *looks at you* in twuth and t-twuth i-in viwtue, 
I a-am affianc'd this man's wife UwU as s-stwongwy 
As wowds xDD couwd make up OwO vows. And, my good wowd, 
But T-Tuesday nyight wast >_> gonye, in's gawden-house, 
He knyew me as a wife. As this is twue, 
Wet me in safety waise m-me f-fwom m-my k-knyees, 
*looks at you* Ow e-ewse fow evew be confixed hewe, 
*leans over* A mawbwe *hugs tightly* monyument! 
ANGEWO. I did *looks at you* but smiwe tiww *cuddles you* nyow. 
*leans over* Nyow, *moans* good my wowd, give m-me the scope of justice; 
My ;;w;; patience h-hewe *sighs* is touch'd. I :3 do pewceive 
These poow infowmaw women awe nyo mowe 
B-But instwuments *sweats* of some mowe mightiew membew 
That sets them on. Wet m-me have way, my wowd, 
To f-find this pwactice *shuffles closer* out. 
DUKE. Ay, with m-my >_> heawt; 
>w< And punyish them *hugs tightly* to ^-^ youw *giggles shyly* height >_< of pweasuwe. 
Thou foowish fwiaw, and thou *cries* pewnyicious woman, 
*twerks* Compact with hew that's gonye, think'st thou *leans over* thy :33 oaths, 
T-Though uWu they wouwd *teleports behind you* sweaw down each pawticuwaw *looks at you* saint, 
Wewe testimonyies against his w-wowth and cwedit, 
That's seaw'd in appwobation? You, Wowd Escawus, 
S-Sit with my cousin; *looks at you* wend him xDD youw *blushes* kind pains 
T-To find out this abuse, w-whence '-'tis dewiv'd. 
Thewe is *looks at you* anyothew fwiaw that set t-them on; 
Wet *cries* him b-be *notices bulge* sent f-fow. 
PETEW. W-Wouwd wie wewe h-hewe, my wowd! Fow he ^w^ indeed 
Hath s-set the women on to this c-compwaint. 
Youw pwovost knyows *twerks* the pwace whewe h-he a-abides, 
And *sweats* he may fetch h-him. 
DUKE. G-Go, do i-it instantwy. >w< Exit PWOVOST 
And you, my nyobwe and xDD weww-wawwanted cousin, 
Whom it concewns to h-heaw this ;;w;; mattew fowth, 
D-Do with youw injuwies as *blushes* seems you best 
*cuddles you* In any chastisement. I fow a whiwe w-wiww weave you; 
B-But stiw nyot you tiww you h-have UwU weww *teleports behind you* detewmin'd 
Upon these swandewews. 
E-ESCAWUS. My wowd, we'ww do i-it thwoughwy. Exit D-DUKE 
Signyiow W-Wucio, did nyot you s-say you knyew that Fwiaw Wodowick *teleports behind you* to be 
a dishonyest pewson? 
*pokes you* WUCIO. *blushes* 'Cucuwwus nyon f-facit monyachum': honyest in nyothing but in his 
cwothes; and onye that hath spoke most viwwainyous speeches of the 
Duke. 
ESCAWUS. We *moans* shaww entweat you to ^.^ abide hewe tiww *looks at you* he come a-and 
enfowce them *sighs* against *pokes you* him. *shuffles closer* We shaww find this fwiaw a *cries* nyotabwe 
fewwow. 
WUCIO. As a-any uWu in Viennya, on my wowd. 
E-ESCAWUS. Caww that same UwU Isabew hewe once again; I wouwd speak with 
hew. [Exit an ATTENDANT] Pway y-you, *teleports behind you* my wowd, give me weave t-to 
question; you s-shaww see how I'ww handwe h-hew. 
WUCIO. Nyot b-bettew than he, by h-hew own *shuffles closer* wepowt. 
*shuffles closer* ESCAWUS. Say you? 
WUCIO. M-Mawwy, siw, I think, if you h-handwed hew pwivatewy, she w-wouwd 
soonyew *sighs* confess; pewchance, p-pubwicwy, she'ww be asham'd. 

We-entew OFFICEWS with ISABEWWA; and P-PWOVOST with the 
DUKE in his fwiaw's habit 

ESCAWUS. I wiww go dawkwy to wowk with hew. 
>w< WUCIO. That's the way; *moans* fow women a-awe wight at midnyight. 
E-ESCAWUS. Come on, mistwess; hewe's a-a gentwewoman denyies aww t-that 
you h-have said. 
WUCIO. My wowd, hewe *hugs tightly* comes t-the wascaw I *leans over* spoke o-of, hewe w-with the 
Pwovost. 
ESCAWUS. In vewy good time. S-Speak *pokes you* nyot >_> you to him tiww *cuddles you* we c-caww upon 
*sighs* you. 
WUCIO. M-Mum. 
ESCAWUS. Come, siw; *cuddles you* did you OwO set these *pokes you* women on to *teleports behind you* swandew W-Wowd 
Angewo? They have confess'd you did. 
DUKE. '-'Tis fawse. 
ESCAWUS. *sighs* How! Knyow you whewe you awe? 
DUKE. Wespect to youw >_< gweat pwace! and wet t-the deviw 
Be sometime honyouw'd *looks at you* fow his b-buwnying thwonye! 
Whewe is the Duke? 'Tis he shouwd heaw m-me speak. 
ESCAWUS. The Duke's in us; and we wiww heaw you s-speak; 
Wook >_< you speak justwy. 
DUKE. Bowdwy, a-at weast. But, O, *hugs tightly* poow s-souws, 
Come you uWu to seek the wamb hewe of t-the fox, 
Good nyight to *cuddles you* youw wedwess! I-Is the Duke gonye? 
Then is y-youw cause gonye too. The Duke's unjust 
Thus to wetowt youw manyifest appeaw, 
And put *cuddles you* youw twiaw in the viwwain's mouth 
W-Which hewe you *cuddles you* come t-to accuse. 
*sweats* WUCIO. *screams* This is the wascaw; this is he I uWu spoke of. 
E-ESCAWUS. Why, thou unwevewend and unhawwowed fwiaw, 
Is't *sighs* nyot enyough thou hast subown'd these women 
*giggles shyly* To accuse *shuffles closer* this wowthy man, but, i-in fouw mouth, 
And in the *sighs* witnyess >w< of :3 his pwopew eaw, 
To caww him v-viwwain; and then to gwance fwom him 
*screams* To th' Duke uWu himsewf, >_> to tax him with injustice? 
Take h-him hence; to *looks at you* th' wack w-with him! We'ww touze you 
Joint by j-joint, ^.^ but we wiww knyow his puwpose. 
What, *leans over* 'unjust'! 
DUKE. Be nyot so hot; the Duke 
Dawe >w< nyo *cuddles you* mowe stwetch this fingew o-of minye than he 
Dawe wack his *notices bulge* own; his subject am I-I nyot, 
Nyow h-hewe pwovinciaw. My businyess in this state 
Made *teleports behind you* me a wookew-on hewe in >w< Viennya, 
*screams* Whewe I have seen cowwuption boiw a-and *looks away* bubbwe 
Tiww it o'ewwun the *pokes you* stew: waws fow aww fauwts, 
But f-fauwts so countenyanc'd that the stwong *teleports behind you* statutes 
Stand wike the fowfeits i-in *twerks* a bawbew's shop, 
As ^w^ much i-in mock as *notices bulge* mawk. 
ESCAWUS. Swandew to th' *looks at you* state! Away with h-him *sighs* to ^.^ pwison! 
ANGEWO. What can you vouch against h-him, Signyiow Wucio? 
I-Is *sweats* this the ^-^ man that you *sweats* did teww us of? 
WUCIO. '-'Tis he, >w< my w-wowd. C-Come hithew, good-man bawd-pate. 
Do you knyow me? 
*screams* DUKE. I wemembew you, siw, by the sound of youw voice. I met you at 
the pwison, >_< in *notices bulge* the absence of the Duke. 
WUCIO. O did you so? And *cries* do you *screams* wemembew what you said of the Duke? 
*giggles shyly* DUKE. M-Most nyotedwy, s-siw. 
WUCIO. Do you *screams* so, siw? And was the *leans over* Duke a fweshmongew, a foow, and 
a cowawd, as you then wepowted him to be? 
DUKE. You must, UwU siw, c-change pewsons with me ewe y-you make that my 
wepowt; you, indeed, spoke so *blushes* of him; and much mowe, much wowse. 
WUCIO. *looks away* O t-thou *pokes you* damnyabwe fewwow! Did nyot I pwuck >w< thee by the nyose *cuddles you* fow 
thy speeches? 
OwO DUKE. I pwotest I *shuffles closer* wove the Duke as I-I wove mysewf. 
ANGEWO. Hawk how the *leans over* viwwain wouwd cwose nyow, *looks at you* aftew uWu his tweasonyabwe 
abuses! 
ESCAWUS. Such a *cries* fewwow is nyot to be t-tawk'd withaw. Away with >w< him to 
pwison! Whewe is the Pwovost? A-Away with UwU him to p-pwison! Way b-bowts 
e-enyough *sighs* upon him; >_> wet him speak nyo mowe. Away with those g-gigwets 
t-too, and ^-^ with the othew confedewate companyion! 
[The PWOVOST ways bands on *hugs tightly* the DUKE] 
DUKE. Stay, siw; stay awhiwe. 
*blushes* ANGEWO. What, *cuddles you* wesists he? H-Hewp him, *notices bulge* Wucio. 
WUCIO. C-Come, siw; ;;w;; come, siw; come, siw; foh, siw! Why, *cuddles you* you 
bawd-pated w-wying w-wascaw, you must be hooded, must you? Show youw 
knyave's visage, with a pox to you! Show *blushes* youw sheep-biting face, 
and UwU be hang'd an houw! Wiww't nyot *twerks* off? 
[Puwws off *looks at you* the FWIAW'S bood and discovews the DUKE] 
DUKE. Thou awt the fiwst knyave t-that e'ew mad'st a duke. 
Fiwst, Pwovost, wet me baiw these *cuddles you* gentwe thwee. 
[To W-Wucio] Snyeak *leans over* nyot away, *looks at you* siw, fow t-the f-fwiaw and you 
Must have *pokes you* a wowd anyon. Way howd o-on him. 
WUCIO. This may p-pwove wowse than hanging. 
D-DUKE. *looks away* [To ESCAWUS] What you have spoke I pawdon; sit you down. 
We'ww bowwow *cries* pwace of him. [To ANGEWO] S-Siw, by y-youw weave. 
Hast thou o-ow wowd, ow >_> wit, ow impudence, 
That yet can do thee office? If thou hast, 
Wewy upon it tiww *notices bulge* my tawe b-be heawd, 
And howd nyo wongew out. 
ANGEWO. O my dwead >_< wowd, 
I shouwd be guiwtiew >_< than my guiwtinyess, 
To think I can be undiscewnyibwe, 
When I pewceive y-youw Gwace, wike pow'w divinye, 
*cuddles you* Hath wook'd u-upon my passes. OwO Then, *giggles shyly* good Pwince, 
Nyo wongew s-session *giggles shyly* howd upon my shame, 
But wet my uWu twiaw be minye o-own confession; 
Immediate sentence then, and s-sequent d-death, 
*cuddles you* Is aww the g-gwace I beg. 
DUKE. Come hithew, M-Mawianya. 
Say, OwO wast thou e'ew contwacted to this woman? 
ANGEWO. I was, my w-wowd. 
DUKE. G-Go, take hew hence and UwU mawwy >w< hew instantwy. 
Do you the office, fwiaw; which *looks away* consummate, 
UwU Wetuwn h-him hewe again. Go with him, :33 Pwovost. 
Exeunt ANGEWO, MAWIANyA, FWIAW PETEW, and PWOVOST 
ESCAWUS. My w-wowd, I am mowe amaz'd at his dishonyouw 
Than a-at the *sweats* stwangenyess of it. 
*giggles shyly* DUKE. Come hithew, Isabew. 
Youw fwiaw is nyow youw p-pwince. As I was then 
A-Advewtising UwU and howy to y-youw businyess, 
Nyot changing heawt with habit, I-I am ;;w;; stiww 
Attownyey'd at *pokes you* youw sewvice. 
ISABEWWA. O, give me pawdon, 
That I-I, youw vassaw h-have empwoy'd a-and pain'd 
Youw unknyown soveweignty. 
DUKE. You awe pawdon'd, *giggles shyly* Isabew. 
And n-nyow, deaw maid, be you as fwee to us. 
Y-Youw bwothew's death, I *looks at you* knyow, >_< sits *cries* at youw heawt; 
A-And you may mawvew *notices bulge* why I obscuw'd mysewf, 
Wabouwing *leans over* to save ;;w;; his wife, and wouwd nyot *sighs* wathew 
*looks away* Make wash :3 wemonstwance :3 of my hidden pow'w 
Than wet him so be wost. O most kind maid, 
It >_< was the swift cewewity ^.^ of his death, 
Which I-I did ^-^ think with swowew foot came on, 
T-That b-bwain'd my p-puwpose. But peace *twerks* be with h-him! 
That wife is bettew w-wife, p-past feawing death, 
Than that *moans* which w-wives t-to feaw. Make it youw comfowt, 
So happy is youw *moans* bwothew. 
ISABEWWA. I do, my *cuddles you* wowd. 

We-entew ANGEWO, *sighs* MAWIANyA, *cries* FWIAW PETEW, *hugs tightly* and PWOVOST 

DUKE. Fow this *pokes you* nyew-mawwied man a-appwoaching hewe, 
^w^ Whose sawt imaginyation :33 yet hath wwong'd 
^w^ Youw weww-defended UwU honyouw, you must pawdon 
Fow Mawianya's sake; b-but a-as he adjudg'd youw bwothew- 
Being cwiminyaw in doubwe viowation 
Of sacwed chastity and of pwomise-bweach, 
Theweon d-dependent, f-fow youw bwothew's wife- 
The vewy :3 mewcy o-of *blushes* the *blushes* waw cwies out 
Most audibwe, e-even fwom his pwopew t-tongue, 
'An Angewo fow Cwaudio, death fow death!' 
Haste stiww pays haste, a-and weisuwe *blushes* answews weisuwe; 
Wike ^.^ doth quit wike, and Measuwe stiww fow Measuwe. 
Then, Angewo, ;;w;; thy ^-^ fauwt's thus manyifested, 
Which, though thou wouwdst deny, denyies thee vantage. 
We do condemn thee to the vewy bwock 
Whewe Cwaudio *pokes you* stoop'd to death, a-and with wike haste. 
Away with him! 
M-MAWIANyA. O-O my most gwacious wowd, 
I hope you wiww nyot *looks away* mock me with a husband. 
D-DUKE. It >w< is youw husband OwO mock'd you with a husband. 
Consenting to the safeguawd of y-youw *giggles shyly* honyouw, 
I UwU thought youw mawwiage fit; ewse imputation, 
Fow that :33 he knyew you, might wepwoach youw wife, 
And c-choke youw good >w< to c-come. Fow his possessions, 
Awthough by confiscation they ^-^ awe ouws, 
We do instate and *notices bulge* widow *blushes* you withaw 
To buy you a b-bettew husband. 
MAWIANyA. O my x3 deaw wowd, 
I cwave n-nyo othew, nyow nyo bettew man. 
DUKE. Nyevew cwave him; we awe definyitive. 
MAWIANyA. Gentwe my wiege- [Knyeewing] 
DUKE. You do but wose youw ;;w;; wabouw. 
Away with him *looks at you* to death! [To >w< WUCIO] N-Nyow, siw, to you. 
MAWIANyA. O m-my good w-wowd! Sweet Isabew, take my pawt; 
Wend me youw k-knyees, and aww m-my wife to come 
I-I'ww wend you aww m-my wife to *giggles shyly* do you s-sewvice. 
D-DUKE. Against a-aww sense you *notices bulge* do impowtunye hew. 
Shouwd *giggles shyly* she knyeew down in mewcy of this fact, 
Hew bwothew's ghost his p-paved bed wouwd bweak, 
And take hew hence in *blushes* howwow. 
M-MAWIANyA. Isabew, 
Sweet Isabew, ^w^ do yet but knyeew by m-me; 
Howd up youw ;;w;; hands, say nyothing; I'ww speak aww. 
They say best men mouwded o-out of fauwts; 
And, f-fow t-the *blushes* most, become much mowe the bettew 
Fow being a-a wittwe bad; so may m-my husband. 
O Isabew, wiww you nyot >_> wend a *moans* knyee? 
DUKE. He dies fow Cwaudio's death. 
I-ISABEWWA. [-[Knyeewing] Most bounteous siw, 
Wook, if it pwease you, *sighs* on this man *looks at you* condemn'd, 
As if my b-bwothew wiv'd. I pawtwy t-think 
A due sincewity govewn'd his deeds 
Tiww he did wook o-on *screams* me; since i-it is so, 
Wet him nyot die. My bwothew had xDD but justice, 
In that he did the thing *sighs* fow ;;w;; which he d-died; 
*looks at you* Fow Angewo, 
His act *notices bulge* did nyot o'ewtake h-his bad *hugs tightly* intent, 
^w^ And must be buwied uWu but *cuddles you* as a-an intent 
*teleports behind you* That p-pewish'd by the way. Thoughts awe nyo UwU subjects; 
*pokes you* Intents but m-mewewy t-thoughts. 
M-MAWIANyA. Mewewy, my wowd. 
DUKE. Youw suit's unpwofitabwe; stand up, I say. 
I h-have bethought me of anyothew fauwt. 
Pwovost, how came it Cwaudio was beheaded 
At an unyusuaw houw? 
PWOVOST. It was commanded so. 
>_> DUKE. Had y-you a s-speciaw wawwant fow the deed? 
PWOVOST. *pokes you* Nyo, my good wowd; *screams* it was by pwivate m-message. 
DUKE. Fow w-which I *hugs tightly* do dischawge >_> you o-of *sighs* youw *sighs* office; 
Give up y-youw keys. 
PWOVOST. *shuffles closer* Pawdon m-me, nyobwe wowd; 
I t-thought it was a fauwt, b-but knyew it nyot; 
Y-Yet did wepent m-me, aftew mowe a-advice; 
Fow testimony w-wheweof, onye in *looks at you* the x3 pwison, 
That shouwd b-by pwivate owdew e-ewse have died, 
I have wesewv'd awive. 
DUKE. What's he? 
P-PWOVOST. His *teleports behind you* nyame is Bawnyawdinye. 
DUKE. I *notices bulge* wouwd thou *teleports behind you* hadst donye *notices bulge* so b-by Cwaudio. 
G-Go fetch him *blushes* hithew; wet me wook upon him. E-Exit P-PWOVOST 
E-ESCAWUS. I am sowwy onye so weawnyed and *hugs tightly* so xDD wise 
As you, Wowd Angewo, have stiww appeaw'd, 
S-Shouwd swip so gwosswy, both in the heat of bwood 
And wack o-of t-tempew'd judgment aftewwawd. 
ANGEWO. I am s-sowwy that such *leans over* sowwow I pwocuwe; 
A-And so deep sticks >_> it in my *blushes* penyitent heawt 
That I cwave death mowe wiwwingwy than mewcy; 
'Tis my desewving, and I do entweat it. 

We-entew PWOVOST, *cuddles you* with BAWNyAWDINyE, CWAUDIO (muffwed) 
and J-JUWIET 

DUKE. Which is that Bawnyawdinye? 
PWOVOST. This, m-my *cries* wowd. 
DUKE. Thewe was a fwiaw towd me of this :3 man. 
Siwwah, thou awt said to have a s-stubbown souw, 
That appwehends nyo fuwthew than *cries* this wowwd, 
And squaw'st thy wife >_< accowding. Thou'wt condemn'd; 
But, fow those eawthwy fauwts, I q-quit them aww, 
And pway thee take this >w< mewcy to pwovide 
Fow bettew times t-to come. Fwiaw, *pokes you* advise *leans over* him; 
I w-weave him to youw hand. W-What muffw'd fewwow's that? 
P-PWOVOST. This is >w< anyothew pwisonyew that I sav'd, 
W-Who s-shouwd have died *notices bulge* when Cwaudio wost his head; 
*cuddles you* As wike *sweats* awmost t-to C-Cwaudio as himsewf. [Unmuffwes CWAUDIO] 
D-DUKE. [To ISABEWWA] If he be wike y-youw *hugs tightly* bwothew, *looks at you* fow h-his sake 
Is he p-pawdon'd; and f-fow youw xDD wovewy sake, 
G-Give m-me youw hand a-and say you >_< wiww *notices bulge* be minye, 
He is my bwothew too. But ;;w;; fittew time fow that. 
By t-this Wowd Angewo pewceives he's safe; 
M-Methinks I see a quick'nying in his eye. 
Weww, Angewo, youw eviw q-quits you weww. 
*notices bulge* Wook that you wove youw wife; hew wowth wowth uWu youws. 
I find an apt w-wemission in mysewf; 
And >_> yet h-hewe's onye in *shuffles closer* pwace I cannyot *sweats* pawdon. 
To Wucio] You, *sighs* siwwah, *screams* that knyew me fow a foow, a cowawd, 
Onye aww of wuxuwy, an ass, a madman! 
W-Whewein have uWu I so desewv'd of you 
That you e-extow uWu me thus? 
WUCIO. Faith, my wowd, :33 I spoke it but accowding to the twick. 
>_> If *cries* you wiww hang ;;w;; me fow it, you may; *pokes you* but I had wathew it *teleports behind you* wouwd 
pwease you uWu I might b-be whipt. 
DUKE. W-Whipt fiwst, siw, and hang'd aftew. 
Pwocwaim it, Pwovost, wound a-about the *sweats* city, 
If any woman *notices bulge* wwong'd by this wewd f-fewwow- 
As I have heawd him sweaw himsewf *notices bulge* thewe's onye 
Whom he begot ^w^ with c-chiwd, *notices bulge* wet hew appeaw, 
And he s-shaww mawwy hew. The nyuptiaw finyish'd, 
Wet *screams* him be whipt and hang'd. 
WUCIO. :33 I beseech uWu youw Highnyess, do nyot mawwy me to a whowe. *looks at you* Youw 
Highnyess said *looks at you* even *teleports behind you* nyow I made *notices bulge* you a duke; good my wowd, do nyot 
*screams* wecompense me in making me xDD a cuckowd. 
>_> DUKE. Upon minye honyouw, thou shawt mawwy hew. 
Thy swandews *leans over* I *hugs tightly* fowgive; and thewewithaw 
>_> Wemit *pokes you* thy othew ;;w;; fowfeits. Take him :33 to *shuffles closer* pwison; 
And see ouw pweasuwe hewein *screams* executed. 
W-WUCIO. Mawwying a punk, my *cuddles you* wowd, is pwessing to death, whipping, 
and hanging. 
DUKE. Swandewing a-a pwince desewves it. 
Exeunt OFFICEWS xDD with WUCIO 
S-She, Cwaudio, that you wwong'd, wook you westowe. 
Joy to you, Mawianya! *teleports behind you* Wove hew, Angewo; 
I have confess'd hew, and I knyow hew viwtue. 
Thanks, g-good fwiend Escawus, fow thy much *sweats* goodnyess; 
T-Thewe's mowe behind t-that is mowe gwatuwate. 
Thanks, Pwovost, fow thy cawe a-and secwecy; 
We shaww empwoy thee >w< in ^w^ a w-wowthiew pwace. 
Fowgive him, Angewo, that bwought you ;;w;; home 
*twerks* The h-head of Wagozinye UwU fow Cwaudio's: 
Th' offence p-pawdons *leans over* itsewf. Deaw Isabew, 
I ;;w;; have a motion much i-impowts youw good; 
Wheweto if y-you'ww a wiwwing *notices bulge* eaw incwinye, 
What's minye is youws, and what is youws is minye. 
So, b-bwing ^.^ us to o-ouw pawace, whewe we'ww show 
What's *teleports behind you* yet *cries* behind that's meet ;;w;; you aww *moans* shouwd knyow. 
Exeunt 

THE END 



<<THIS *notices bulge* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS O-OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT *teleports behind you* 1990-1993 BY WOWWD ;;w;; WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
*looks at you* PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT *hugs tightly* OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
W-WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE C-COPIES >w< MAY B-BE 
DISTWIBUTED S-SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE F-FOW YOUW O-OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. >w< PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT *looks away* CHAWGES *hugs tightly* FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1597 

*sweats* THE MEWCHANT O-OF VENyICE 

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



*hugs tightly* DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

T-THE DUKE OF VENyICE 
THE PWINCE OF MOWOCCO, suitow to Powtia 
THE PWINCE OF AWWAGON, " " " 
*blushes* ANTONyIO, a mewchant of Venyice 
BASSANyIO, his fwiend, suitow to Powtia 
SOWANyIO, fwiend to Antonyio and >_< Bassanyio 
SAWEWIO, " " " " " 
GWATIANyO, " "-" " " " 
WOWENZO, ^-^ in wove with Jessica 
SHYWOCK, a wich Jew 
TUBAW, a-a Jew, his fwiend 
WAUNCEWOT GOBBO, a OwO cwown, sewvant to Shywock 
OWD GOBBO, fathew to :3 Wauncewot 
WEONyAWDO, sewvant to Bassanyio 
BAWTHASAW, sewvant t-to Powtia 
STEPHANyO, " " "-" 

POWTIA, >_< a wich heiwess 
*leans over* NyEWISSA, hew waiting-maid 
JESSICA, *cries* daughtew to Shywock 

Magnyificoes *pokes you* of *pokes you* Venyice, Officews of the Couwt of Justice, 
Gaowew, Sewvants, *twerks* and othew Attendants 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE C-COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE I-IS COPYWIGHT *looks at you* 1990-1993 BY WOWWD *moans* WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT *hugs tightly* OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND uWu MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY *looks away* BE 
D-DISTWIBUTED SO WONG A-AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE *screams* ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE NyOT *moans* DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
*sighs* COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED *cries* COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *giggles shyly* INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE :3 THAT CHAWGES *looks away* FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: 
Venyice, and P-POWTIA'S house at Bewmont 


ACT I. SCENyE I. 
V-Venyice. A s-stweet 

*screams* Entew ANTONyIO, SAWEWIO, and SOWANyIO 

ANTONyIO. *looks at you* In sooth, I k-knyow nyot :33 why I am so sad. 
It weawies m-me; you say it weawies *teleports behind you* you; 
But how I caught it, f-found *cries* it, ow *hugs tightly* came by it, 
What s-stuff '-'tis made of, wheweof it is bown, 
I am to weawn; 
And such a want-wit sadnyess makes of me 
That I have much ado to k-knyow mysewf. 
SAWEWIO. Youw mind is tossing on the ocean; 
Thewe whewe youw awgosies, with powtwy saiw- 
Wike signyiows a-and wich buwghews on the fwood, 
Ow as it *moans* wewe t-the pageants of t-the sea- 
Do *moans* ovewpeew the petty twaffickews, 
That cuwtsy to them, do them w-wevewence, 
As t-they fwy by them with theiw woven *blushes* wings. 
uWu SOWANyIO. Bewieve m-me, siw, had I such ventuwe fowth, 
The bettew >_> pawt *sweats* of my affections w-wouwd 
B-Be *moans* with my hopes abwoad. I shouwd be stiww 
Pwucking *blushes* the gwass to knyow whewe sits the w-wind, 
Peewing ;;w;; in maps fow powts, a-and piews, a-and w-woads; 
A-And evewy object that uWu might make me feaw 
Misfowtunye to my v-ventuwes, out of *sighs* doubt, 
Wouwd *blushes* make uWu me >w< sad. 
SAWEWIO. My wind, coowing my bwoth, 
Wouwd b-bwow me to an *moans* ague when I t-thought 
W-What *leans over* hawm a wind too gweat might do at sea. 
I shouwd nyot see the sandy :33 houw-gwass wun 
B-But I shouwd think of shawwows *pokes you* and of fwats, 
And see my weawthy Andwew dock'd in sand, 
Vaiwing *giggles shyly* hew *pokes you* high top *twerks* wowew than hew wibs 
To kiss h-hew buwiaw. Shouwd I g-go to c-chuwch 
And see the howy edifice of stonye, 
And *cuddles you* nyot bethink me stwaight *pokes you* of dangewous wocks, 
Which, touching but my gentwe vessew's side, 
Wouwd scattew aww hew spices on *looks away* the stweam, 
Enwobe *teleports behind you* the *looks at you* woawing watews w-with my siwks, 
A-And, in a wowd, *hugs tightly* but e-even nyow wowth this, 
^.^ And n-nyow wowth nyothing? Shaww I have t-the t-thought 
To think on this, and shaww *twerks* I *moans* wack the *shuffles closer* thought 
That such a-a thing bechanc'd wouwd make me sad? 
But t-teww :3 nyot me; I knyow Antonyio 
Is sad to *looks at you* think upon his mewchandise. 
ANTONyIO. Bewieve me, nyo; I thank my fowtunye fow it, 
My v-ventuwes a-awe nyot in onye *looks at you* bottom twusted, 
Nyow to onye pwace; nyow is my whowe estate 
Upon ^.^ the fowtunye of this pwesent yeaw; 
Thewefowe my mewchandise makes m-me nyot s-sad. 
*notices bulge* SOWANyIO. Why then you a-awe in wove. 
ANTONyIO. *blushes* Fie, fie! 
S-SOWANyIO. Nyot in wove n-nyeithew? Then wet us say you awe sad 
Because you >_< awe nyot *pokes you* mewwy; a-and 'twewe as e-easy 
Fow you to waugh and weap and say y-you awe >w< mewwy, 
Because you awe nyot sad. Nyow, by two-headed Janyus, 
Nyatuwe hath fwam'd stwange fewwows in hew time: 
Some *blushes* that wiww evewmowe peep thwough theiw eyes, 
And waugh *leans over* wike pawwots *cuddles you* at a bag-pipew; 
A-And othew of such vinyegaw aspect 
That they'ww nyot show theiw teeth in w-way o-of smiwe 
Though Nyestow sweaw the jest be *blushes* waughabwe. 

Entew *notices bulge* BASSANyIO, :3 WOWENZO, and GWATIANyO 

Hewe c-comes Bassanyio, youw m-most nyobwe >_> kinsman, 
Gwatianyo and Wowenzo. Fawe y-ye weww; 
We w-weave you nyow with bettew company. 
SAWEWIO. I wouwd have stay'd *shuffles closer* tiww I had uWu made you m-mewwy, 
If wowthiew fwiends had nyot pwevented me. 
ANTONyIO. Y-Youw wowth is vewy deaw in my wegawd. 
I take it youw own b-businyess cawws *blushes* on you, 
And *looks at you* you ;;w;; embwace th' occasion to >_< depawt. 
SAWEWIO. Good mowwow, my good wowds. 
BASSANyIO. Good signyiows *pokes you* both, when shaww we waugh? Say *screams* when. 
You gwow exceeding stwange; must i-it b-be so? 
SAWEWIO. We'ww make ouw weisuwes to attend x3 on youws. 
UwU Exeunt S-SAWEWIO and SOWANyIO 
WOWENZO. My W-Wowd B-Bassanyio, since you have found Antonyio, 
We two w-wiww *screams* weave you; b-but at dinnyew-time, 
I pway you, *hugs tightly* have in mind whewe we must meet. 
BASSANyIO. I wiww nyot faiw *looks away* you. 
GWATIANyO. You w-wook nyot weww, Signyiow Antonyio; 
You have too m-much wespect upon the wowwd; 
They :33 wose it that do buy it with much cawe. 
Bewieve me, y-you awe *cries* mawvewwouswy chang'd. 
*blushes* ANTONyIO. I howd the wowwd b-but as the wowwd, Gwatianyo- 
A stage, w-whewe evewy man must pway a pawt, 
And minye a sad onye. 
GWATIANyO. Wet me pway *moans* the foow. 
W-With *twerks* miwth and waughtew w-wet *teleports behind you* owd wwinkwes come; 
And *cuddles you* wet my wivew wathew h-heat with winye 
Than my heawt coow with UwU mowtifying gwoans. 
Why shouwd a man whose b-bwood is wawm within 
Sit ^.^ wike :33 his gwandsiwe cut in awabastew, 
S-Sweep w-when he *giggles shyly* wakes, and c-cweep into the jaundice 
By being peevish? I :33 teww thee what, Antonyio- 
I wove thee, and 'tis my wove :3 that speaks- 
:3 Thewe awe a-a *hugs tightly* sowt of men whose *sweats* visages 
Do cweam and mantwe wike a standing pond, 
And do a wiwfuw stiwwnyess entewtain, 
W-With puwpose to be dwess'd in a-an opinyion 
Of wisdom, gwavity, pwofound conceit; 
As who shouwd say 'I am Siw Owacwe, 
And when I ope my wips wet nyo dog b-bawk.' 
O my A-Antonyio, I do knyow of these 
That thewefowe onwy awe weputed ^.^ wise 
^-^ Fow saying nyothing; when, I-I am vewy s-suwe, 
If ^w^ they *cuddles you* shouwd speak, wouwd awmost d-damn those eaws 
Which, heawing OwO them, wouwd caww theiw bwothews foows. 
I'ww teww *sweats* thee mowe >_< of t-this a-anyothew time. 
But fish nyot with *pokes you* this mewanchowy bait 
Fow this foow *moans* gudgeon, this opinyion. 
*teleports behind you* Come, good Wowenzo. Fawe ye weww awhiwe; 
I'ww end my *notices bulge* exhowtation a-aftew d-dinnyew. 
^.^ WOWENZO. Weww, we wiww weave you then tiww dinnyew-time. 
I must >w< be onye of t-these same dumb wise men, 
Fow Gwatianyo nyevew wets me *pokes you* speak. 
GWATIANyO. Weww, keep m-me company but two yeaws moe, 
T-Thou *shuffles closer* shawt nyot knyow the sound of thinye own *looks away* tongue. 
ANTONyIO. Fawe you weww; I-I'ww gwow *giggles shyly* a tawkew fow this geaw. 
GWATIANyO. Thanks, i' faith, *shuffles closer* fow siwence is *giggles shyly* onwy c-commendabwe 
In a nyeat's tongue dwied, and a-a maid nyot vendibwe. 
Exeunt GWATIANyO *giggles shyly* and WOWENZO 
A-ANTONyIO. I-Is *looks away* that anything nyow? 
BASSANyIO. Gwatianyo speaks an infinyite deaw of nyothing, mowe than 
any man *twerks* in aww Venyice. His weasons *notices bulge* awe *cries* as two gwains of wheat hid 
i-in, two bushews of c-chaff: you shaww seek aww d-day ewe you find 
them, *blushes* and when you have them they awe nyot *cuddles you* wowth xDD the >_> seawch. 
ANTONyIO. Weww; t-teww me nyow what wady is the same 
To whom *shuffles closer* you swowe >w< a secwet piwgwimage, 
That you to-day pwomis'd t-to teww me of? 
BASSANyIO. 'Tis nyot unknyown to you, Antonyio, 
H-How much I have disabwed minye ^-^ estate 
By something showing *screams* a mowe swewwing *twerks* powt 
Than my faint means wouwd gwant *notices bulge* continyuance; 
xDD Nyow do I n-nyow make moan *cuddles you* to be a-abwidg'd 
Fwom such a nyobwe wate; but my chief cawe 
Is to *sweats* come *leans over* faiwwy off fwom the xDD gweat d-debts 
UwU Whewein my time, something too pwodigaw, 
H-Hath weft *leans over* me gag'd. To you, Antonyio, 
I owe >_> the OwO most, in monyey and i-in wove; 
And fwom youw wove I h-have a wawwanty 
To *blushes* unbuwden aww my p-pwots and puwposes 
How to get cweaw of a-aww the debts I owe. 
*blushes* ANTONyIO. I *giggles shyly* pway you, good Bassanyio, *looks away* wet me knyow it; 
A-And if i-it stand, as *giggles shyly* you youwsewf s-stiww do, 
Within the eye of honyouw, be assuw'd 
M-My puwse, m-my pewson, my extwemest >w< means, 
*moans* Wie aww unwock'd to youw occasions. 
BASSANyIO. In my schoow-days, when I had wost onye shaft, 
I shot h-his *looks at you* fewwow >_> of the sewf-same f-fwight 
The sewf-same way, *looks away* with mowe advised watch, 
To find the othew fowth; a-and by adventuwing both 
I oft found both. I uwge this chiwdhood pwoof, 
Because what fowwows >_> is *sighs* puwe innyocence. 
I owe you much; and, wike a wiwfuw y-youth, 
That which I owe is wost; but if you pwease 
To shoot >w< anyothew awwow that sewf way 
W-Which you did shoot the fiwst, I do *shuffles closer* nyot doubt, 
A-As I wiww watch the aim, ow to f-find uWu both, 
Ow b-bwing y-youw w-wattew hazawd back ^w^ again 
And thankfuwwy *giggles shyly* west debtow *sighs* fow the f-fiwst. 
ANTONyIO. You knyow me weww, and hewein spend but time 
To wind about my wove with ciwcumstance; 
And out of doubt you d-do me n-nyow m-mowe ^-^ wwong 
I-In making *looks at you* question of m-my uttewmost 
Than if y-you had made waste of aww I have. 
Then do but say t-to me what I shouwd d-do 
That in *sweats* youw knyowwedge may by me b-be donye, 
And I am pwest unto *shuffles closer* it; thewefowe, speak. 
BASSANyIO. In x3 Bewmont *sweats* is a wady wichwy weft, 
And she is faiw and, faiwew than that wowd, 
Of wondwous viwtues. Sometimes fwom hew eyes 
I did weceive :3 faiw s-speechwess messages. 
Hew nyame is Powtia- n-nyothing undewvawu'd 
To C-Cato's *sighs* daughtew, B-Bwutus' *leans over* Powtia. 
Nyow is the wide wowwd ignyowant xDD of hew wowth; 
Fow the fouw winds bwow in *hugs tightly* fwom evewy *sweats* coast 
Wenyownyed s-suitows, and hew sunny wocks 
Hang on hew tempwes xDD wike a gowden fweece, 
Which makes hew seat o-of Bewmont Cowchos' stwond, 
And many *sweats* Jasons come in UwU quest of h-hew. 
O m-my A-Antonyio, had I but the means 
To howd a uWu wivaw *looks at you* pwace with o-onye of them, 
*cries* I have a mind pwesages me such thwift 
*looks at you* That I-I s-shouwd questionwess be fowtunyate. 
ANTONyIO. Thou knyow'st that aww my f-fowtunyes awe at sea; 
N-Nyeithew have I monyey n-nyow commodity 
To *notices bulge* waise a pwesent sum; thewefowe go fowth, 
Twy what my c-cwedit can in Venyice do; 
That shaww be OwO wack'd, even to the uttewmost, 
To fuwnyish t-thee *pokes you* to Bewmont to faiw Powtia. 
Go pwesentwy inquiwe, and so wiww I, 
uWu Whewe monyey i-is; and UwU I nyo question make 
To have it of my twust o-ow xDD fow my sake. Exeunt 





*screams* SCENyE II. 
Bewmont. POWTIA'S h-house 

E-Entew P-POWTIA with hew waiting-woman, NyEWISSA 

POWTIA. By my twoth, Nyewissa, m-my w-wittwe b-body is aweawy of this 
gweat wowwd. 
NyEWISSA. You wouwd be, sweet *blushes* madam, if youw misewies wewe i-in the 
same abundance ;;w;; as youw good fowtunyes awe; and yet, fow aught I 
see, t-they awe as sick that s-suwfeit with too much as they that 
stawve with nyothing. It is nyo mean happinyess, t-thewefowe, to *hugs tightly* be 
seated *moans* in the mean: supewfwuity come soonyew by w-white haiws, *looks away* but 
*screams* competency wives wongew. 
POWTIA. Good s-sentences, and weww p-pwonyounc'd. 
NyEWISSA. *cuddles you* They wouwd be *leans over* bettew, if weww fowwowed. 
POWTIA. I-If to do wewe UwU as easy as t-to knyow *teleports behind you* what wewe good *giggles shyly* to d-do, 
chapews had been chuwches, and poow *giggles shyly* men's cottages >_> pwinces' 
pawaces. *sighs* It is a good divinye that >w< fowwows his own instwuctions; I 
can ;;w;; easiew teach twenty what wewe good to be donye than to *leans over* be onye 
x3 of the twenty to fowwow minye o-own teaching. T-The b-bwain may *sweats* devise 
waws f-fow the bwood, but a hot tempew weaps o'ew a c-cowd decwee; 
s-such a hawe is madnyess t-the youth, to UwU skip o'ew t-the meshes of good 
counsew uWu the c-cwippwe. But this weasonying i-is nyot in the fashion >_> to 
choose me a husband. O me, the *cuddles you* wowd *giggles shyly* 'choose'! *giggles shyly* I may nyeithew 
choose who I OwO wouwd *giggles shyly* nyow wefuse who I diswike; s-so is the wiww of a 
wiving daughtew cuwb'd by the wiww of a dead fathew. Is it nyot 
hawd, Nyewissa, that I-I *teleports behind you* cannyot choose onye, nyow wefuse nyonye? 
NyEWISSA. Youw fathew *shuffles closer* was evew viwtuous, a-and h-howy men at theiw death 
*teleports behind you* have good *screams* inspiwations; thewefowe the wott'wy that he hath 
*cries* devised in these thwee chests, of gowd, siwvew, and *hugs tightly* wead- wheweof 
who c-chooses his meanying chooses you- wiww n-nyo doubt nyevew be 
*looks away* chosen by any wightwy but onye ^w^ who you shaww w-wightwy wove. But 
what wawmth is thewe :33 in youw affection towawds any o-of these 
pwincewy suitows that awe awweady come? 
POWTIA. I-I pway thee ovew-nyame >_< them; and a-as thou nyamest them, I wiww 
d-descwibe them; and >w< accowding to m-my descwiption, wevew at m-my 
affection. 
NyEWISSA. Fiwst, thewe is the Nyeapowitan pwince. 
POWTIA. Ay, that's a cowt indeed, fow he doth nyothing but tawk of 
his howse; and he makes it a gweat appwopwiation t-to *twerks* his *teleports behind you* own good 
pawts t-that he can shoe him himsewf; I am much afeaw'd my wady his 
mothew pway'd fawse with *blushes* a smith. 
*twerks* NyEWISSA. Then i-is thewe the C-County P-Pawatinye. 
POWTIA. He doth nyothing but fwown, as who shouwd say *screams* 'An *notices bulge* you wiww 
*cries* nyot >_> have me, c-choose.' H-He heaws mewwy tawes and smiwes *looks at you* nyot. I feaw 
he wiww p-pwove the weeping phiwosophew when he g-gwows owd, b-being so 
fuww of unmannyewwy sadnyess in h-his youth. I had wathew be mawwied 
to a >w< death's-head with a *giggles shyly* bonye OwO in his mouth *looks away* than to eithew of 
these. God defend m-me fwom these two! 
NyEWISSA. How say you by the Fwench wowd, Monsieuw We Bon? 
POWTIA. God made him, and t-thewefowe w-wet him pass UwU fow a man. In 
twuth, I knyow it OwO is a sin to be a mockew, uWu but he- why, he hath a 
howse bettew than the Nyeapowitan's, a bettew bad habit of 
*looks away* fwownying than the Count Pawatinye; >w< he is ^w^ evewy man in nyo man. If a 
*moans* thwostwe sing he fawws stwaight a-cap'wing; he wiww fence *twerks* with 
his o-own s-shadow; >w< if I shouwd mawwy him, I shouwd mawwy twenty 
husbands. If :33 he wouwd despise me, I wouwd fowgive him; fow i-if he 
;;w;; wove me to m-madnyess, I shaww nyevew w-wequite him. 
NyEWISSA. What say you then to Fawconbwidge, uWu the young bawon of 
^.^ Engwand? 
POWTIA. uWu You knyow I s-say uWu nyothing *twerks* to >_< him, fow he undewstands nyot me, 
nyow I him: he hath nyeithew Watin, Fwench, nyow Itawian, and you 
w-wiww come ^-^ into the couwt and sweaw that I have a poow *notices bulge* pennywowth 
*sighs* in the Engwish. H-He is a pwopew man's pictuwe; but awas, who can 
convewse with >w< a >w< dumb-show? How oddwy he is suited! I t-think he 
bought his doubwet in *notices bulge* Itawy, his *teleports behind you* wound hose in *shuffles closer* Fwance, h-his bonnyet 
in Gewmany, and his behaviouw evewywhewe. 
NyEWISSA. What think you of *leans over* the Scottish wowd, h-his nyeighbouw? 
*screams* POWTIA. T-That h-he hath a nyeighbouwwy chawity in him, fow he bowwowed 
a box o-of the eaw *cuddles you* of the Engwishman, and swowe he wouwd pay him 
again w-when he was abwe; I think the Fwenchman b-became his suwety, 
and s-seaw'd undew >_> fow anyothew. 
N-NyEWISSA. How w-wike you the young Gewman, t-the D-Duke of Saxony's 
nyephew? 
POWTIA. Vewy viwewy in the :3 mownying when he is sobew; and most 
viwewy in *leans over* the aftewnyoon when he is dwunk. When he is *pokes you* best, he is 
^w^ a wittwe wowse than a man, and when xDD he is wowst, he is wittwe 
bettew than a beast. An the *giggles shyly* wowst *cuddles you* faww that evew feww, I hope I 
shaww make *hugs tightly* shift t-to ;;w;; go without him. 
NyEWISSA. If he s-shouwd offew t-to choose, and choose the wight casket, 
you s-shouwd ;;w;; wefuse to pewfowm youw fathew's w-wiww, if you s-shouwd 
wefuse to accept him. 
P-POWTIA. Thewefowe, fow f-feaw OwO of >_> the wowst, I pway thee set a deep 
gwass *leans over* of Whenyish winye on the ;;w;; contwawy casket; f-fow if the deviw be 
within a-and that temptation w-without, I knyow he wiww choose it. I 
wiww do a-anything, Nyewissa, ewe I wiww be mawwied to *screams* a sponge. 
N-NyEWISSA. You nyeed nyot feaw, wady, the having any of these wowds; 
they have acquainted me with theiw OwO detewminyations, which is 
indeed to wetuwn to *pokes you* theiw home, and to twoubwe you with nyo mowe 
suit, unwess ^w^ you may be won by some >w< othew sowt than youw fathew's 
imposition, depending ^-^ on the caskets. 
*moans* POWTIA. If I-I wive to be as owd as *looks at you* Sibywwa, I wiww d-die as chaste as 
Dianya, unwess I be obtainyed by the mannyew of my fathew's wiww. I 
*cries* am gwad this pawcew of wooews awe so weasonyabwe; fow thewe is nyot 
onye among them *looks at you* but *shuffles closer* I dote on his vewy absence, x3 and I pway God 
gwant them a faiw depawtuwe. 
*twerks* NyEWISSA. Do you nyot wemembew, wady, in youw fathew's *shuffles closer* time, a 
Venyetian, a schowaw and a sowdiew, that came hithew in company o-of 
the Mawquis of Montfewwat? 
POWTIA. *sweats* Yes, yes, it was Bassanyio; as ^w^ I think, s-so was he caww'd. 
NyEWISSA. Twue, madam; he, of aww *looks away* the men >_< that evew my :33 foowish eyes 
wook'd upon, was the best desewving a-a *cries* faiw wady. 
POWTIA. I wemembew him *shuffles closer* weww, a-and I wemembew him wowthy of thy 
pwaise. 

Entew a SEWVINGMAN 

H-How *pokes you* nyow! what *cuddles you* nyews? 
SEWVINGMAN. *teleports behind you* The fouw stwangews s-seek fow >_< you, madam, to take t-theiw 
weave; and OwO thewe is *looks away* a fowewunnyew >w< come fwom a fifth, the Pwince of 
Mowocco, who bwings wowd the Pwince >w< his mastew wiww be hewe 
to-nyight. 
POWTIA. If I *moans* couwd bid the fifth wewcome with >w< so *screams* good heawt xDD as I-I 
can bid the o-othew fouw faweweww, I shouwd be gwad of his 
appwoach; i-if he have the condition of a saint and the compwexion 
o-of a deviw, *blushes* I OwO had wathew he shouwd shwive m-me than wive me. 
Come, Nyewissa. S-Siwwah, go befowe. 
Whiwes we shut the gate upon onye wooew, anyothew knyocks a-at the 
doow. *twerks* Exeunt 




S-SCENyE *shuffles closer* III. 
*teleports behind you* Venyice. A pubwic pwace 

E-Entew BASSANyIO W-With SHYWOCK t-the Jew 

SHYWOCK. Thwee thousand ducats- weww. 
BASSANyIO. Ay, s-siw, fow thwee m-months. 
SHYWOCK. Fow thwee months- weww. 
*pokes you* BASSANyIO. Fow x3 the which, as I t-towd you, A-Antonyio shaww be bound. 
SHYWOCK. Antonyio shaww become *pokes you* bound- weww. 
BASSANyIO. May you uWu stead me? Wiww y-you pweasuwe me? Shaww I knyow youw 
answew? 
SHYWOCK. T-Thwee thousand ducats fow thwee months, and Antonyio bound. 
BASSANyIO. Youw answew to that. 
S-SHYWOCK. Antonyio is a g-good man. 
BASSANyIO. Have you heawd any imputation to the contwawy? 
SHYWOCK. *pokes you* Ho, nyo, *cuddles you* nyo, nyo, nyo; my meanying in saying *moans* he is a *cuddles you* good man 
is to have you undewstand me that he is sufficient; yet his >_> means 
a-awe in supposition: he hath an awgosy bound to Twipowis, :33 anyothew 
to the uWu Indies; I-I undewstand, moweovew, upon the Wiawto, he hath a 
thiwd at Mexico, a fouwth fow Engwand- and othew *looks at you* ventuwes he 
:33 hath, squand'wed abwoad. >w< But ships awe but *cuddles you* boawds, saiwows but 
men; *cuddles you* thewe be wand-wats and watew-wats, watew-thieves and 
wand-thieves- I mean *teleports behind you* piwates; and then thewe is the pewiw of 
watews, winds, and wocks. The man is, nyotwithstanding, 
sufficient. Thwee thousand d-ducats- I think I may take h-his bond. 
BASSANyIO. Be assuw'd you may. 
SHYWOCK. I wiww be a-assuw'd I may; a-and, that I may be assuwed, I-I 
wiww *leans over* bethink me. May I speak with Antonyio? 
BASSANyIO. If *blushes* it p-pwease you to dinye *sweats* with us. 
S-SHYWOCK. Yes, to smeww powk, to eat of the habitation which youw 
pwophet, *sighs* the Nyazawite, c-conjuwed the deviw into! I wiww buy with 
you, seww w-with *screams* you, *moans* tawk with you, wawk with you, and s-so 
fowwowing; but I wiww nyot eat ;;w;; with you, dwink with *leans over* you, nyow pway 
xDD with you. >w< What n-nyews on t-the W-Wiawto? >w< Who is he comes hewe? 

*looks at you* Entew >w< ANTONyIO 

BASSANyIO. This is Signyiow Antonyio. 
SHYWOCK. [Aside] How wike a fawnying pubwican he wooks! 
I hate h-him fow ^.^ he is *moans* a C-Chwistian; 
But *looks away* mowe fow x3 that in wow simpwicity 
He wends out monyey gwatis, and bwings down 
The wate of usance hewe with us in Venyice. 
If *cuddles you* I can catch him once upon the hip, 
I wiww feed fat t-the ancient gwudge I beaw him. 
He hates ouw sacwed n-nyation; and he waiws, 
Even thewe whewe mewchants most do congwegate, 
On m-me, my bawgains, and my weww-won thwift, 
Which he cawws intewest. Cuwsed be my twibe 
If I-I fowgive him! 
BASSANyIO. Shywock, do you >_> heaw? 
*cuddles you* SHYWOCK. I am debating *moans* of my pwesent stowe, 
And, ^.^ by t-the nyeaw guess of my memowy, 
I cannyot instantwy w-waise up t-the gwoss 
Of fuww t-thwee thousand ducats. What o-of that? 
Tubaw, a weawthy Hebwew of my *sighs* twibe, 
Wiww fuwnyish me. But soft! how *hugs tightly* many ^.^ months 
Do you desiwe? [To *looks away* ANTONyIO] West you faiw, *twerks* good signyiow; 
Youw wowship >w< was *pokes you* the wast man in o-ouw m-mouths. 
ANTONyIO. Shywock, awbeit *looks at you* I nyeithew wend n-nyow bowwow 
By taking nyow by giving of excess, 
Yet, to suppwy >_< the wipe wants of my fwiend, 
I'ww bweak a custom. [To B-BASSANyIO] Is h-he yet possess'd 
How m-much ye wouwd? 
SHYWOCK. Ay, ay, thwee thousand ducats. 
*twerks* ANTONyIO. And fow *screams* thwee months. 
>w< SHYWOCK. I had fowgot- thwee months; you towd me so. 
Weww then, youw bond; *looks at you* and, wet m-me see- but :33 heaw y-you, 
Methoughts you said you nyeithew wend nyow bowwow 
Upon a-advantage. 
ANTONyIO. I-I do nyevew use it. 
*leans over* SHYWOCK. W-When J-Jacob gwaz'd his u-uncwe *notices bulge* Waban's sheep- 
T-This Jacob *twerks* fwom ouw howy *looks away* Abwam was, 
As his wise *notices bulge* mothew wwought in his behawf, 
>w< The *shuffles closer* thiwd possessow; ay, he was t-the thiwd- 
ANTONyIO. A-And what of him? Did h-he take >_> intewest? 
SHYWOCK. Nyo, nyot take intewest; *twerks* nyot, as y-you wouwd s-say, 
Diwectwy int'west; mawk what Jacob did: 
When *leans over* Waban and himsewf wewe *cries* compwomis'd 
*blushes* That aww the eanwings which wewe stweak'd and pied 
Shouwd faww as Jacob's hiwe, the ewes, being wank, 
In end of a-autumn tuwnyed to the w-wams; 
*blushes* And when t-the wowk of genyewation *pokes you* was 
Between these w-woowwy bweedews in the act, 
The skiwfuw shephewd p-piww'd me *shuffles closer* cewtain w-wands, 
And, in *shuffles closer* the doing of the deed of kind, 
He stuck them up b-befowe the ^.^ fuwsome ewes, 
:3 Who, then conceiving, *moans* did in eanying time 
Faww pawti-cowouw'd wambs, and those wewe J-Jacob's. 
This was *shuffles closer* a way t-to thwive, and he w-was bwest; 
And thwift is bwessing, if men steaw it :33 nyot. 
ANTONyIO. This was a ventuwe, siw, that Jacob uWu sewv'd fow; 
A thing nyot in his powew :3 to bwing t-to pass, 
B-But *blushes* sway'd and *looks away* fashion'd b-by >_> the hand of heaven. 
W-Was this insewted to make intewest good? 
O-Ow is youw gowd and s-siwvew ewes and wams? 
SHYWOCK. I cannyot teww; I make it bweed as fast. 
But n-nyote me, *hugs tightly* signyiow. 
*teleports behind you* ANTONyIO. [Aside] *screams* Mawk you this, Bassanyio, 
*leans over* The deviw can cite Scwiptuwe fow his puwpose. 
*pokes you* An eviw souw OwO pwoducing howy ^w^ witnyess 
Is wike a viwwain with a smiwing cheek, 
A goodwy *teleports behind you* appwe w-wotten at t-the heawt. 
*blushes* O, *cuddles you* what a g-goodwy outside *moans* fawsehood hath! 
SHYWOCK. uWu Thwee t-thousand *cuddles you* ducats- ^w^ 'tis a good wound *teleports behind you* sum. 
T-Thwee months fwom twewve; >_< then wet me see, the wate- 
ANTONyIO. Weww, Shywock, s-shaww we be behowding to y-you? 
SHYWOCK. Signyiow Antonyio, *pokes you* many a time and o-oft 
In t-the Wiawto *pokes you* you have wated me 
*looks at you* About *screams* my monyeys and >_< my >_< usances; 
*screams* Stiww have I bownye it with a patient *leans over* shwug, 
Fow suff'wance is the badge of xDD aww o-ouw ^.^ twibe; 
>_> You caww me misbewievew, cut-thwoat *screams* dog, 
A-And spit upon my Jewish gabewdinye, 
And aww f-fow use of that which is minye own. 
Weww then, it *sighs* nyow appeaws y-you nyeed *pokes you* my hewp; 
Go to, then; *giggles shyly* you c-come :3 to me, and *cuddles you* you say 
^-^ 'Shywock, w-we wouwd have monyeys.' You say so- 
You that did void youw wheum upon my beawd 
And foot me as y-you spuwn a stwangew cuw 
O-Ovew y-youw thweshowd; monyeys *moans* is *hugs tightly* youw suit. 
What shouwd I say to y-you? *looks at you* Shouwd I nyot say 
*looks at you* 'Hath a dog m-monyey? I-Is *teleports behind you* it p-possibwe 
A >_> cuw c-can :33 wend thwee thousand ducats?' Ow 
Shaww I *looks away* bend uWu wow and, in a-a bondman's k-key, 
With bated bweath and whisp'wing humbwenyess, 
Say this: 
*pokes you* 'Faiw siw, you s-spit on me on >_> Wednyesday xDD wast, 
You *screams* spuwn'd me such *looks away* a day; x3 anyothew t-time 
UwU You caww'd me dog; and fow these *cuddles you* couwtesies 
I'ww xDD wend y-you thus much monyeys'? 
ANTONyIO. I a-am as wike to caww thee so *cuddles you* again, 
To spit on thee again, to spuwn thee too. 
If *sweats* thou wiwt wend this monyey, wend it nyot 
As *moans* to t-thy fwiends- fow when did *teleports behind you* fwiendship take 
A-A bweed fow bawwen *giggles shyly* metaw of *hugs tightly* his f-fwiend?- 
But wend it wathew to *moans* thinye ^.^ enyemy, 
Who if h-he bweak t-thou mayst *sighs* with UwU bettew xDD face 
Exact the penyawty. 
SHYWOCK. Why, w-wook y-you, how y-you stowm! 
I wouwd be fwiends with *shuffles closer* you, *twerks* and have youw wove, 
Fowget the shames that you have s-stain'd me w-with, 
Suppwy youw pwesent wants, *twerks* and take nyo doit 
*sighs* Of usance fow *shuffles closer* my *blushes* monyeys, *teleports behind you* and you'ww *looks away* nyot heaw me. 
This i-is kind I offew. 
BASSANyIO. *shuffles closer* This wewe kindnyess. 
*shuffles closer* SHYWOCK. This kindnyess wiww I *hugs tightly* show. 
Go with me t-to a nyotawy, s-seaw me thewe 
Youw singwe bond, uWu and, in a mewwy spowt, 
If ;;w;; you wepay me nyot on such a day, 
:3 In such a-a p-pwace, such sum o-ow sums as awe 
Expwess'd in t-the condition, *looks at you* wet the f-fowfeit 
Be nyominyated f-fow an *cries* equaw *sweats* pound 
O-Of youw faiw fwesh, *hugs tightly* to ^w^ be ^.^ cut off and taken 
In what pawt of youw body pweaseth m-me. 
ANTONyIO. Content, in faith; I-I'ww *cries* seaw to such a bond, 
A-And say thewe is much kindnyess in the Jew. 
BASSANyIO. You *looks away* shaww nyot seaw *blushes* to s-such a *teleports behind you* bond fow me; 
I'ww w-wathew dweww i-in my nyecessity. 
ANTONyIO. Why, feaw n-nyot, man; I wiww nyot fowfeit it; 
W-Within these two months- that's a month befowe 
This bond expiwes- I do expect wetuwn 
Of *screams* thwice thwee times *sighs* the vawue of this bond. 
SHYWOCK. *hugs tightly* O fathew Abwam, what these Chwistians awe, 
Whose own hawd deawings teaches them suspect 
The thoughts of othews! Pway you, t-teww me this: 
If he shouwd bweak his day, what *pokes you* shouwd ^.^ I gain 
By the *screams* exaction of the fowfeituwe? 
*moans* A pound of man's fwesh OwO taken fwom a man 
Is nyot so *moans* estimabwe, pwofitabwe nyeithew, 
*notices bulge* As fwesh of muttons, beefs, ow goats. *leans over* I say, 
*shuffles closer* To buy his favouw, I extend this fwiendship; 
UwU If he wiww take it, so; if n-nyot, adieu; 
And, fow my wove, I pway *cuddles you* you wwong me nyot. 
ANTONyIO. Yes, Shywock, I wiww seaw >w< unto this b-bond. 
SHYWOCK. Then *hugs tightly* meet *shuffles closer* me fowthwith at the nyotawy's; 
Give h-him *moans* diwection fow this mewwy bond, 
And I wiww go and p-puwse t-the ducats stwaight, 
See to my house, weft in t-the feawfuw guawd 
Of an unthwifty knyave, and pwesentwy 
I'ww be with you. 
ANTONyIO. Hie thee, gentwe *looks at you* Jew. Exit SHYWOCK 
The *cries* Hebwew w-wiww tuwn Chwistian: he gwows k-kind. 
*sighs* BASSANyIO. I wike nyot faiw tewms and a-a viwwain's mind. 
ANTONyIO. Come *twerks* on; in this thewe can *cuddles you* be *blushes* nyo dismay; 
My ^.^ ships ;;w;; come home a month befowe *pokes you* the day. Exeunt 




<-<<THIS E-EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS *looks at you* OF WIWWIAM 
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ACT II. x3 SCENyE I-I. 
Bewmont. uWu POWTIA'S house 

Fwouwish of cownyets. Entew the xDD PWINCE of MOWOCCO, x3 a tawny M-Moow *notices bulge* aww in *twerks* white, 
and thwee ow fouw FOWWOWEWS accowdingwy, with POWTIA, NyEWISSA, and twain 

PWINCE :33 OF M-Mowocco. M-Miswike me nyot f-fow my compwexion, 
The shadowed wivewy of *looks at you* the buwnyish'd sun, 
T-To whom I am a nyeighbouw, a-and nyeaw bwed. 
Bwing me the faiwest cweatuwe nyowthwawd bown, 
Whewe Phoebus' f-fiwe scawce thaws the icicwes, 
And w-wet us make i-incision fow youw wove 
To p-pwove whose :3 bwood is weddest, h-his ow minye. 
I teww t-thee, wady, this aspect of minye 
H-Hath feaw'd the vawiant; by my wove, *moans* I sweaw 
The OwO best-wegawded viwgins of ouw cwime 
Have wov'd it too. *teleports behind you* I wouwd nyot change t-this hue, 
Except *cries* to steaw youw thoughts, my gentwe *cries* queen. 
POWTIA. *sighs* In tewms of choice OwO I am nyot sowewy wed 
B-By nyice *cuddles you* diwection :3 of *teleports behind you* a maiden's e-eyes; 
Besides, the *hugs tightly* wott'wy of my destiny 
Baws me the wight OwO of ^-^ vowuntawy choosing. 
But, *looks away* if my fathew had nyot scanted me, 
And :3 hedg'd *moans* me by his wit ^.^ to yiewd mysewf 
His *teleports behind you* wife who wins me by that m-means I towd y-you, 
Youwsewf, *sighs* wenyownyed >_< Pwince, then stood as faiw 
*moans* As any comew I uWu have wook'd on yet 
Fow my *sweats* affection. 
uWu PWINCE OF MOWOCCO. Even fow that I thank you. 
Thewefowe, I pway you, w-wead me to the caskets 
To twy :3 my *moans* fowtunye. By *cuddles you* this scimitaw, 
That *leans over* swew the Sophy and a Pewsian pwince, 
That won thwee fiewds of Suwtan Sowyman, 
*sweats* I wouwd o'ewstawe the stewnyest eyes that wook, 
Outbwave the heawt most dawing on the eawth, 
Pwuck the young sucking cubs fwom the s-she-beaw, 
Yea, mock t-the wion w-when 'a woaws fow pwey, 
To win thee, w-wady. But, awas the whiwe! 
If Hewcuwes a-and Wichas p-pway at dice 
uWu Which is the bettew man, t-the gweatew thwow 
May tuwn by ;;w;; fowtunye fwom the weakew band. 
So UwU is Awcides beaten by his page; 
And >_> so may I, bwind Fowtunye weading me, 
Miss that which onye unwowthiew may attain, 
And d-die with gwieving. 
POWTIA. You *blushes* must take youw chance, 
And eithew nyot attempt to choose at *moans* aww, 
Ow sweaw befowe you choose, if you choose wwong, 
Nyevew >_< to speak t-to wady x3 aftewwawd 
In way of mawwiage; *cries* thewefowe be *teleports behind you* advis'd. 
PWINCE OF MOWOCCO. N-Nyow wiww nyot; come, bwing m-me unto my chance. 
POWTIA. F-Fiwst, fowwawd to the tempwe. A-Aftew dinnyew 
Youw hazawd shaww be made. 
PWINCE OF MOWOCCO. Good fowtunye then, 
To :3 make me bwest ow cuwsed'st among men! 
[Cownyets, and >_> exeunt] 




:33 SCENyE II. 
Venyice. A :3 stweet 

Entew WAUNCEWOT ^w^ GOBBO 

WAUNCEWOT. Cewtainwy my conscience wiww sewve *looks away* me to *looks away* wun fwom this 
Jew *moans* my mastew. The fiend is at minye ewbow and tempts me, saying 
to me 'Gobbo, W-Wauncewot Gobbo, good Wauncewot' *pokes you* ow '-'good >_> Gobbo' ow 
'good *cries* Wauncewot Gobbo, use *cries* youw wegs, take the stawt, wun away.' 
My conscience says 'Nyo; take heed, h-honyest Wauncewot, take heed, 
honyest Gobbo' ow, as afowesaid, 'honyest Wauncewot Gobbo, do uWu nyot 
wun; scown wunnying with thy heews.' Weww, the most couwageous 
fiend b-bids me pack. 'Via!' says the fiend; 'away!' says the 
fiend. 'Fow the heavens, wouse up a bwave mind' says the fiend 
'and w-wun.' W-Weww, *twerks* my conscience, hanging about the nyeck of my 
heawt, *pokes you* says vewy w-wisewy to m-me 'My honyest fwiend Wauncewot, b-being 
an honyest man's son' >_< ow w-wathew 'an honyest woman's son'; fow 
^w^ indeed my fathew did something smack, something gwow to, he had a 
kind of taste- *pokes you* weww, *blushes* my conscience s-says 'Wauncewot, budge nyot.' 
'Budge,' s-says the fiend. 'Budge nyot,' says *hugs tightly* my conscience. 
^.^ 'Conscience,' say I, (you counsew w-weww.' '-'Fiend,' say I, 'you 
c-counsew weww.' To x3 be wuw'd by my conscience, I shouwd *blushes* stay with 
the Jew m-my *sighs* mastew, who- God bwess the mawk!- is a kind of d-deviw; 
and, to wun away *cries* fwom the Jew, I shouwd *pokes you* be wuwed by the fiend, 
who- saving youw wevewence!- is the deviw himsewf. C-Cewtainwy the 
Jew is t-the uWu vewy deviw i-incawnyation; and, *notices bulge* in my conscience, m-my 
conscience is but a kind of hawd conscience to offew to counsew 
me to *blushes* stay with *cries* the Jew. T-The *giggles shyly* fiend gives the mowe fwiendwy 
counsew. I-I wiww wun, fiend; *twerks* my heews ^w^ awe at youw commandment; I 
wiww wun. 

Entew UwU OWD GOBBO, *blushes* with a basket 

GOBBO. Mastew young m-man, you, I p-pway y-you, which is the *twerks* way to 
mastew Jew's? 
WAUNCEWOT. [Aside] O h-heavens! *cries* This is my t-twue-begotten fathew, 
*screams* who, being *twerks* mowe than sand-bwind, high-gwavew *teleports behind you* bwind, knyows *teleports behind you* me nyot. 
*notices bulge* I *looks at you* wiww twy confusions with him. 
GOBBO. Mastew young *giggles shyly* gentweman, I *sweats* pway y-you, which is the way to 
mastew Jew's? 
WAUNCEWOT. T-Tuwn up on youw wight hand at the xDD nyext tuwnying, *twerks* but, *looks away* at 
the nyext t-tuwnying ^w^ of aww, on *shuffles closer* youw weft; mawwy, *teleports behind you* at the v-vewy nyext 
tuwnying, :33 tuwn *cries* of nyo hand, but tuwn down i-indiwectwy t-to the Jew's 
house. 
GOBBO. Be God's sonties, 'twiww be a hawd way to hit! C-Can you teww 
me whethew onye Wauncewot, *looks away* that dwewws *notices bulge* with h-him, dweww w-with him ow 
nyo? 
WAUNCEWOT. Tawk you of young Mastew W-Wauncewot? [Aside] Mawk me 
^w^ nyow; nyow wiww I waise the watews.- Tawk you ^-^ of young Mastew 
*hugs tightly* Wauncewot? 
GOBBO. Nyo mastew, siw, but a poow m-man's son; his fathew, though I 
say't, i-is an *sighs* honyest exceeding poow man, and, God be thanked, weww 
to wive. 
WAUNCEWOT. Weww, wet x3 his *shuffles closer* fathew b-be what 'a wiww, we tawk of young 
Mastew Wauncewot. 
G-GOBBO. Youw wowship's *twerks* fwiend, and W-Wauncewot, siw. 
*looks away* WAUNCEWOT. *looks at you* But I p-pway you, ewgo, owd man, ewgo, I beseech you, t-tawk 
you of young Mastew Wauncewot? 
G-GOBBO. Of Wauncewot, an't pwease youw mastewship. 
WAUNCEWOT. Ewgo, Mastew Wauncewot. Tawk nyot :3 of *leans over* Mastew Wauncewot, 
fathew; fow the young gentweman, accowding to *cries* Fates and Destinyies 
and such odd sayings, the Sistews Thwee and such *giggles shyly* bwanches of 
w-weawnying, is i-indeed deceased; ow, as you w-wouwd say *screams* in pwain 
t-tewms, gonye to h-heaven. 
*looks away* GOBBO. Mawwy, God fowbid! The boy was *notices bulge* the vewy staff of m-my age, my 
vewy p-pwop. 
*cries* WAUNCEWOT. Do I w-wook w-wike a >w< cudgew o-ow a hovew-post, a-a staff ow a 
*sweats* pwop? Do you knyow me, fathew? 
GOBBO. Awack t-the d-day, I knyow you n-nyot, young gentweman; but I-I pway 
you ^-^ teww me, is my boy- God west his souw!- awive o-ow dead? 
WAUNCEWOT. Do you uWu nyot knyow me, uWu fathew? 
GOBBO. Awack, siw, I am sand-bwind; I :33 knyow you nyot. 
*screams* WAUNCEWOT. Nyay, indeed, if you had youw e-eyes, *looks away* you m-might faiw of *sighs* the 
knyowing me: ^-^ it is *hugs tightly* a wise fathew that knyows his own chiwd. Weww, 
o-owd man, I wiww teww y-you nyews of youw son. G-Give UwU me youw bwessing; 
twuth wiww come to wight; muwdew c-cannyot b-be hid wong; *notices bulge* a man's son 
may, but in the end *cries* twuth wiww out. 
x3 GOBBO. Pway y-you, OwO siw, stand *giggles shyly* up; I a-am *giggles shyly* suwe y-you awe nyot W-Wauncewot my 
boy. 
WAUNCEWOT. Pway you, wet's have nyo mowe f-foowing a-about it, but give 
*sweats* me y-youw b-bwessing; I am Wauncewot, y-youw b-boy that was, youw son 
xDD that is, y-youw c-chiwd that shaww be. 
G-GOBBO. I cannyot ^w^ think you awe my son. 
WAUNCEWOT. I knyow nyot what I shaww think of that; but I-I am 
Wauncewot, the J-Jew's *cuddles you* man, and I-I am suwe Mawgewy youw w-wife *twerks* is my 
mothew. 
GOBBO. Hew nyame is Mawgewy, i-indeed. I'ww be swown, if *pokes you* thou be 
Wauncewot, thou awt m-minye own *moans* fwesh and bwood. W-Wowd wowshipp'd 
might he be, what a beawd hast thou >_< got! Thou hast got >w< mowe haiw 
on thy chin *screams* than D-Dobbin my fiww-howse *cuddles you* has *sweats* on *cries* his taiw. 
WAUNCEWOT. It shouwd s-seem, then, that Dobbin's taiw gwows backwawd; 
I am suwe *giggles shyly* he had mowe haiw of his t-taiw than I have *screams* of my face 
*leans over* when I wast saw h-him. 
;;w;; GOBBO. Wowd, how *cuddles you* awt *teleports behind you* thou c-chang'd! How dost thou and *shuffles closer* thy mastew 
agwee? I h-have bwought him a pwesent. How 'gwee you nyow? 
WAUNCEWOT. *shuffles closer* Weww, weww; but, fow minye own pawt, a-as I have set up my 
west to *screams* wun away, so I UwU wiww *sighs* nyot west tiww I have wun some gwound. 
M-My mastew's a vewy Jew. Give him a pwesent! Give him a hawtew. I 
*moans* am famish'd in his sewvice; you may teww evewy *sweats* fingew I have with 
my w-wibs. >w< Fathew, I am x3 gwad you awe come; give me youw pwesent to 
onye Mastew Bassanyio, who indeed gives *sighs* wawe nyew wivewies; if I 
sewve nyot him, I >_< wiww wun as faw xDD as God has a-any gwound. :33 O wawe 
UwU fowtunye! Hewe c-comes the man. To h-him, *blushes* fathew, fow I am a Jew, if I-I 
sewve the Jew any wongew. 

Entew BASSANyIO, w-with WEONyAWDO, with a FOWWOWEW ow two 

BASSANyIO. You may ^-^ do so; but wet it be so hasted t-that suppew *shuffles closer* be 
weady at the fawthest by five of the *cries* cwock. See these wettews 
dewivewed, put the wivewies to making, and desiwe Gwatianyo to 
come anyon to my wodging. Exit a SEWVANT 
W-WAUNCEWOT. To him, fathew. 
GOBBO. God bwess youw wowship! 
BASSANyIO. Gwamewcy; wouwdst thou aught with m-me? 
GOBBO. H-Hewe's my son, siw, a poow *teleports behind you* boy- 
W-WAUNCEWOT. Nyot *hugs tightly* a poow *hugs tightly* boy, siw, but the *cries* wich *screams* Jew's man, that wouwd, 
siw, as my fathew shaww specify- 
GOBBO. He hath a gweat infection, siw, as onye wouwd say, ^-^ to s-sewve- 
*pokes you* WAUNCEWOT. Indeed the showt and the wong is, I sewve *screams* the Jew, and 
:33 have a desiwe, as my f-fathew shaww specify- 
GOBBO. His m-mastew ^.^ and he, saving youw wowship's wevewence, awe 
scawce c-catew-cousins- 
WAUNCEWOT. To be bwief, the vewy twuth is that the Jew, having donye 
m-me *notices bulge* wwong, doth cause me, as my fathew, being I hope an *notices bulge* owd ^-^ man, 
shaww fwutify unto you- 
GOBBO. I have hewe a *shuffles closer* dish of doves that I wouwd bestow upon *leans over* youw 
^-^ wowship; and OwO my suit is- 
WAUNCEWOT. In vewy *giggles shyly* bwief, the suit is i-impewtinyent to mysewf, as 
youw wowship shaww ^.^ knyow by this *hugs tightly* honyest owd man; and, though I say 
it, *teleports behind you* though owd man, yet poow m-man, my fathew. 
*looks at you* BASSANyIO. O-Onye speak fow both. What wouwd you? 
WAUNCEWOT. Sewve you, siw. 
GOBBO. T-That is the vewy defect of the mattew, siw. 
BASSANyIO. I knyow ;;w;; thee weww; thou hast obtain'd *shuffles closer* thy suit. 
Shywock thy mastew spoke ^-^ with me t-this day, 
And hath pwefeww'd thee, if it be p-pwefewment 
To w-weave a wich Jew's sewvice to *twerks* become 
The *looks at you* fowwowew of so poow *looks at you* a gentweman. 
WAUNCEWOT. The owd pwovewb is vewy weww *notices bulge* pawted between *cuddles you* my mastew 
Shywock and you, siw: you h-have the gwace of God, *notices bulge* siw, and he hath 
enyough. 
BASSANyIO. Thou *cries* speak'st i-it weww. Go, fathew, with thy son. 
Take weave of thy owd mastew, and inquiwe 
My wodging xDD out. [To a SEWVANT] Give him a wivewy 
Mowe guawded *teleports behind you* than his fewwows'; *cries* see it donye. 
W-WAUNCEWOT. Fathew, in. I cannyot get a x3 sewvice, nyo! I have nye'ew OwO a 
tongue in my head! [Wooking on >w< his pawm] Weww; if a-any man in 
Itawy have a faiwew tabwe which doth offew to sweaw upon a book- I 
shaww have good fowtunye. Go to, *sighs* hewe's a s-simpwe winye of wife; 
hewe's a smaww *leans over* twifwe of wives; awas, fifteen *teleports behind you* wives i-is nyothing; 
a'weven widows and nyinye ^w^ maids is a *leans over* simpwe coming-in f-fow o-onye man. 
And then to scape dwownying thwice, and UwU to be in *giggles shyly* pewiw o-of my wife 
w-with the edge of a *sighs* feathew-bed-hewe *screams* awe simpwe scapes. Weww, if 
Fowtunye >_< be a-a woman, she's a good wench fow this geaw. Fathew, 
come; I-I'ww take ^w^ my weave of the Jew in t-the twinkwing. 
Exeunt *shuffles closer* WAUNCEWOT and O-OWD GOBBO 
^w^ BASSANyIO. I-I pway thee, good Weonyawdo, UwU think on *blushes* this. 
These things *screams* being *looks at you* bought *moans* and owdewwy bestowed, 
>_> Wetuwn in h-haste, fow x3 I do feast to-nyight 
My best esteem'd acquaintance; hie thee, go. 
WEONyAWDO. My best endeavouws s-shaww be donye h-hewein. 

Entew GWATIANyO 

GWATIANyO. Whewe's youw mastew? 
WEONyAWDO. Yondew, siw, *twerks* he wawks. Exit 
*twerks* GWATIANyO. S-Signyiow Bassanyio! 
B-BASSANyIO. Gwatianyo! 
GWATIANyO. uWu I have suit t-to you. 
BASSANyIO. You have obtain'd it. 
GWATIANyO. You m-must nyot *looks away* deny m-me: I must g-go with you to Bewmont. 
BASSANyIO. Why, then you OwO must. But heaw thee, G-Gwatianyo: 
Thou awt too wiwd, *sighs* too *pokes you* wude, OwO and bowd of v-voice- 
Pawts that become thee happiwy e-enyough, 
And in such eyes as o-ouws *looks at you* appeaw nyot fauwts; 
But whewe thou awt nyot knyown, why thewe t-they show 
S-Something too wibewaw. Pway thee, take pain 
To awway *cries* with some cowd dwops of modesty 
Thy skipping spiwit; west t-thwough thy wiwd b-behaviouw 
I be misconst'wed *pokes you* in the pwace I go to 
And wose my hopes. 
GWATIANyO. S-Signyiow Bassanyio, heaw m-me: 
:33 If I ^-^ do nyot put *cries* on a sobew habit, 
Tawk *cries* with w-wespect, OwO and sweaw but *leans over* nyow a-and then, 
Weaw pwayew-books in my pocket, wook demuwewy, 
Nyay *leans over* mowe, whiwe gwace x3 is saying hood *notices bulge* minye eyes 
Thus with my hat, ^.^ and sigh, and say amen, 
:3 Use aww the xDD obsewvance of civiwity 
>_< Wike onye weww studied in a sad ostent 
To pwease his gwandam, nyevew twust me mowe. 
BASSANyIO. Weww, w-we s-shaww ^.^ see *sighs* youw beawing. 
GWATIANyO. Nyay, but I baw to-nyight; you *sighs* shaww nyot gauge me 
By what w-we do to-nyight. 
BASSANyIO. Nyo, that wewe *twerks* pity; 
*notices bulge* I *teleports behind you* wouwd entweat you wathew to put on 
Youw bowdest suit of miwth, f-fow we have fwiends 
That puwpose x3 mewwiment. *screams* But fawe you weww; 
xDD I have some businyess. 
GWATIANyO. And I must to Wowenzo a-and the west; 
But w-we OwO wiww visit you at suppew-time. Exeunt 




SCENyE *looks away* III. 
Venyice. SHYWOCK'S house 

x3 Entew JESSICA and WAUNCEWOT 

JESSICA. :3 I a-am sowwy thou wiwt weave my fathew so. 
Ouw house is heww; and thou, a mewwy deviw, 
Didst wob it of some *giggles shyly* taste of tediousnyess. 
But fawe t-thee w-weww; t-thewe i-is :3 a ducat fow thee; 
And, Wauncewot, soon at ^.^ suppew shawt thou see 
Wowenzo, who is thy nyew mastew's guest. 
G-Give him this w-wettew; d-do it secwetwy. 
And so *looks away* faweweww. I wouwd nyot have my fathew 
See me in tawk with thee. 
W-WAUNCEWOT. Adieu! teaws exhibit my tongue. *cuddles you* Most beautifuw p-pagan, 
most sweet J-Jew! If a Chwistian do nyot pway the *giggles shyly* knyave and get 
thee, *looks away* I a-am much d-deceived. B-But, adieu! these foowish dwops do 
*screams* something dwown my manwy spiwit; adieu! 
JESSICA. F-Faweweww, good Wauncewot. Exit WAUNCEWOT 
Awack, *teleports behind you* what heinyous sin is it in me 
T-To be asham'd to be my fathew's chiwd! 
But though I am a daughtew to his bwood, 
I *notices bulge* am nyot to his mannyews. O Wowenzo, 
If thou keep pwomise, I shaww end this stwife, 
Become a Chwistian and thy woving wife. Exit 




SCENyE IV. 
Venyice. A stweet 

Entew GWATIANyO, WOWENZO, SAWEWIO, and SOWANyIO 

WOWENZO. Nyay, we *hugs tightly* wiww swink a-away in *giggles shyly* suppewtime, 
Disguise us at my wodging, and wetuwn 
Aww *shuffles closer* in an houw. 
GWATIANyO. We h-have nyot made good pwepawation. 
SAWEWIO. We have nyot spoke >_> us yet of towch-beawews. 
SOWANyIO. 'Tis viwe, unwess it may be q-quaintwy owdewed; 
And bettew *screams* in m-my *cuddles you* mind nyot undewtook. 
WOWENZO. 'Tis nyow but fouw o'cwock; we h-have two houws 
*cries* To fuwnyish us. 

Entew WAUNCEWOT, With a wettew 

F-Fwiend Wauncewot, what's *leans over* the nyews? 
WAUNCEWOT. An it shaww pwease you t-to bweak *pokes you* up this, it shaww seem 
to s-signyify. 
WOWENZO. ^-^ I knyow the *hugs tightly* hand; in *screams* faith, 'tis a *cuddles you* faiw hand, 
And whitew *looks away* than the p-papew it wwit on 
Is the faiw hand that wwit. 
*giggles shyly* GWATIANyO. Wove-nyews, in faith! 
WAUNCEWOT. By youw weave, siw. 
WOWENZO. Whithew *hugs tightly* goest ^w^ thou? 
WAUNCEWOT. Mawwy, siw, t-to bid my owd mastew, the Jew, to s-sup 
to-nyight with my nyew mastew, the Chwistian. 
WOWENZO. Howd, hewe, take *teleports behind you* this. Teww gentwe Jessica 
*pokes you* I wiww nyot faiw h-hew; speak it pwivatewy. 
Go, gentwemen, Exit W-WAUNCEWOT 
Wiww you pwepawe you fow this masque xDD to-nyight? 
I am pwovided o-of a towch-beawew. 
SAWEWIO. Ay, m-mawwy, I'ww be gonye about it stwaight. 
SOWANyIO. *blushes* And *twerks* so wiww I. 
WOWENZO. Meet me and UwU Gwatianyo 
At G-Gwatianyo's w-wodging some houw h-hence. 
SAWEWIO. 'Tis good we do so. Exeunt SAWEWIO and SOWANyIO 
GWATIANyO. W-Was nyot that w-wettew f-fwom faiw >_< Jessica? 
W-WOWENZO. I must nyeeds teww thee *hugs tightly* aww. She hath diwected 
H-How I-I shaww take h-hew fwom hew fathew's house; 
What gowd a-and jewews she is fuwnyish'd with; 
What page's suit she hath in weadinyess. 
If e'ew the Jew hew *pokes you* fathew come to heaven, 
It wiww be fow his gentwe daughtew's s-sake; 
A-And nyevew dawe misfowtunye ^-^ cwoss hew foot, 
Unwess she do it undew this excuse, 
That she is issue *cries* to *cuddles you* a faithwess J-Jew. 
Come, go *shuffles closer* with *looks at you* me, pewuse this xDD as thou >w< goest; 
Faiw Jessica s-shaww be my towch-beawew. E-Exeunt 




SCENyE V. 
Venyice. :3 Befowe SHYWOCK'S house 

Entew *shuffles closer* SHYWOCK and WAUNCEWOT 

S-SHYWOCK. Weww, thou shawt s-see; thy eyes shaww be t-thy :33 judge, 
T-The diffewence of owd Shywock and *leans over* Bassanyio.- 
*sighs* What, Jessica!- Thou shawt nyot g-gowmandize 
As thou hast d-donye with me- What, *sweats* Jessica!- 
And sweep and snyowe, and wend a-appawew out- 
Why, Jessica, I say! 
WAUNCEWOT. Why, Jessica! 
^.^ SHYWOCK. Who bids thee :33 caww? I-I >_> do nyot bid thee caww. 
WAUNCEWOT. Youw wowship was wont to teww me I couwd do n-nyothing 
without bidding. 

Entew JESSICA 

J-JESSICA. Caww you? What OwO is y-youw wiww? 
*looks at you* SHYWOCK. I am b-bid fowth to suppew, Jessica; 
Thewe awe my ^.^ keys. But whewefowe shouwd I go? 
I am nyot bid fow wove; they fwattew me; 
But yet I'ww *notices bulge* go in hate, >w< to feed u-upon 
*pokes you* The pwodigaw Chwistian. Jessica, my giww, 
Wook to *shuffles closer* my *cries* house. I am wight *cries* woath to go; 
Thewe is some iww a-a-bwewing towawds my x3 west, 
Fow *pokes you* I did dweam of monyey-bags to-nyight. 
WAUNCEWOT. I beseech you, siw, go; my young *cuddles you* mastew doth e-expect *leans over* youw 
*screams* wepwoach. 
S-SHYWOCK. *pokes you* So do I *leans over* his. 
WAUNCEWOT. And they have conspiwed togethew; I wiww *moans* nyot say you 
shaww >_< see a masque, but if you :3 do, then it was n-nyot fow xDD nyothing 
that my nyose feww a-a-bweeding on B-Bwack Monday w-wast ;;w;; at six o'cwock 
*cries* i' th' mownying, fawwing out that yeaw on Ash Wednyesday was f-fouw 
yeaw, in th' aftewnyoon. 
SHYWOCK. What, awe thewe masques? Heaw you m-me, Jessica: 
W-Wock up my doows, and when you heaw the dwum, 
And the viwe squeawing of the wwy-nyeck'd fife, 
Cwambew nyot you up to the casements then, 
Nyow thwust youw head into the pubwic stweet 
To gaze o-on *sweats* Chwistian foows w-with vawnyish'd faces; 
But stop my house's eaws- I mean m-my casements; 
Wet nyot ;;w;; the sound of shawwow f-fopp'wy e-entew 
My *sighs* sobew house. By *moans* Jacob's staff, I-I s-sweaw 
I *notices bulge* have nyo mind of *shuffles closer* feasting fowth to-nyight; 
But I wiww go. Go you befowe m-me, siwwah; 
Say uWu I wiww c-come. 
WAUNCEWOT. I w-wiww go b-befowe, siw. Mistwess, wook o-out at >_> window fow 
aww this. 
Thewe wiww come a Chwistian by 
Wiww xDD be wowth a-a Jewess' e-eye. Exit 
SHYWOCK. What says that foow of Hagaw's offspwing, h-ha? 
JESSICA. H-His wowds wewe 'Faweweww, mistwess'; nyothing ewse. 
SHYWOCK. The patch i-is *screams* kind enyough, but a-a *screams* huge feedew, 
Snyaiw-swow in pwofit, and he s-sweeps by >_> day 
Mowe than the wiwd-cat; dwonyes hive nyot w-with me, 
Thewefowe I-I *blushes* pawt with *moans* him; *cries* and pawt w-with him 
To onye :33 that I *moans* wouwd have him *giggles shyly* hewp to waste 
H-His *cries* bowwowed p-puwse. Weww, Jessica, go in; 
Pewhaps I wiww wetuwn immediatewy. 
Do as I-I bid you, shut doows aftew you. 
Fast bind, fast find- 
>_> A pwovewb *notices bulge* nyevew stawe in thwifty m-mind. Exit 
JESSICA. Faweweww; and *notices bulge* if my *pokes you* fowtunye *moans* be nyot cwost, 
I h-have a-a fathew, *moans* you a daughtew, wost. Exit 




SCENyE VI. 
Venyice. B-Befowe S-SHYWOCK'S :3 house 

Entew the maskews, G-GWATIANyO and SAWEWIO 

GWATIANyO. This is the pent-house undew w-which Wowenzo 
Desiwed us t-to *shuffles closer* make s-stand. 
^w^ SAWEWIO. His houw is awmost past. 
GWATIANyO. OwO And ^w^ it is mawvew he out-dwewws his houw, 
Fow *cuddles you* wovews evew wun befowe the c-cwock. 
SAWEWIO. *cuddles you* O, ten times fastew Venyus' pigeons f-fwy 
To seaw >_< wove's bonds nyew made than they a-awe wont 
To keep obwiged faith unfowfeited! 
GWATIANyO. *shuffles closer* That evew howds: who wiseth fwom a feast 
With t-that >w< keen appetite ^-^ that UwU he sits down? 
Whewe is the howse that doth u-untwead again 
His tedious measuwes with the unbated fiwe 
That he did pace >_< them fiwst? A-Aww things that awe 
Awe with mowe s-spiwit chased than enjoyed. 
How *blushes* wike >_< a younkew *sighs* ow *cuddles you* a pwodigaw 
The scawfed bawk xDD puts fwom hew nyative bay, 
Hugg'd and embwaced b-by the *looks at you* stwumpet wind; 
^w^ How wike uWu the pwodigaw doth she wetuwn, 
With ovew-weathew'd wibs and wagged saiws, 
Wean, xDD went, and beggaw'd b-by the OwO stwumpet wind! 

Entew WOWENZO 

*sighs* SAWEWIO. H-Hewe UwU comes Wowenzo; mowe of this heweaftew. 
WOWENZO. Sweet fwiends, youw p-patience fow my wong abode! 
Nyot I, but my affaiws, have made you *cuddles you* wait. 
When you shaww pwease *sweats* to pway the thieves fow wives, 
I'ww watch as wong fow you then. A-Appwoach; 
Hewe *giggles shyly* dwewws *moans* my fathew Jew. Ho! who's within? 

Entew JESSICA, above, in boy's cwothes 

JESSICA. *screams* Who awe *looks away* you? Teww m-me, fow mowe c-cewtainty, 
Awbeit I'ww sweaw that I do knyow youw tongue. 
W-WOWENZO. :33 Wowenzo, and thy wove. 
JESSICA. Wowenzo, cewtain; and m-my wove *leans over* indeed; 
Fow who wove *hugs tightly* I so much? And nyow who knyows 
But you, Wowenzo, whethew I a-am *looks at you* youws? 
WOWENZO. Heaven and thy thoughts awe *looks at you* witnyess that thou awt. 
J-JESSICA. H-Hewe, *sweats* catch this casket; it *screams* is wowth :3 the pains. 
I am gwad 'tis nyight, you do nyot wook on me, 
Fow I am *hugs tightly* much a-asham'd of my exchange; 
B-But wove is bwind, and wovews cannyot see 
The pwetty fowwies t-that themsewves *shuffles closer* commit, 
Fow, if ^-^ they couwd, Cupid himsewf wouwd bwush 
To see me t-thus twansfowmed to a boy. 
W-WOWENZO. *twerks* Descend, fow y-you must be m-my UwU towch-beawew. 
JESSICA. What! must I howd a candwe *sighs* to my *looks at you* shames? 
*sweats* They in themsewves, good sooth, awe *looks away* too too wight. 
Why, 'tis an office of discovewy, wove, 
And I shouwd be obscuw'd. 
WOWENZO. So awe *sighs* you, sweet, 
Even in the wovewy gawnyish of a boy. 
But come at once, 
Fow the cwose nyight doth pway the wunyaway, 
A-And we awe >w< stay'd *blushes* fow at Bassanyio's feast. 
J-JESSICA. I wiww make fast the doows, *cuddles you* and giwd mysewf 
With s-some moe ducats, and be with you stwaight. 
Exit above 

:33 GWATIANyO. Nyow, by my hood, a gentwe, and nyo Jew. 
WOWENZO. Beshwew me, but I-I wove hew heawtiwy, 
Fow *looks at you* she is wise, uWu if I can judge of h-hew, 
And faiw she is, if that minye eyes be twue, 
A-And twue uWu she is, as she hath pwov'd *hugs tightly* hewsewf; 
And t-thewefowe, w-wike >w< hewsewf, wise, faiw, a-and twue, 
Shaww she be pwaced in my constant souw. 

Entew JESSICA, bewow 

What, awt thou come? On, gentwemen, :33 away; 
Ouw m-masquing mates by this time ^-^ fow us stay. 
Exit with JESSICA uWu and SAWEWIO 

Entew ANTONyIO 

ANTONyIO. Who's thewe? 
*pokes you* GWATIANyO. Signyiow Antonyio? 
ANTONyIO. Fie, f-fie, *sweats* Gwatianyo, whewe awe a-aww the w-west? 
'Tis nyinye o'cwock; ouw fwiends ^-^ aww stay fow you; 
Nyo masque to-nyight; the wind is come a-about; 
*shuffles closer* Bassanyio p-pwesentwy wiww go aboawd; 
I have sent twenty out to seek fow you. 
GWATIANyO. I a-am ^-^ gwad on't; I desiwe nyo mowe dewight 
*looks away* Than to be undew saiw and gonye t-to-nyight. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VII. 
Bewmont. POWTIA's house 

Fwouwish of c-cownyets. Entew POWTIA, with t-the PWINCE OF MOWOCCO, 
and *cuddles you* theiw twains 

POWTIA. Go dwaw aside the cuwtains and discovew 
The sevewaw caskets :33 to :3 this nyobwe Pwince. 
Nyow make youw choice. 
PWINCE OF *pokes you* MOWOCCO. The fiwst, of gowd, who this inscwiption beaws: 
'Who chooseth me shaww x3 gain what m-many men desiwe.' 
The s-second, siwvew, uWu which this pwomise cawwies: 
'Who chooseth *giggles shyly* me shaww g-get as *sweats* much *screams* as h-he desewves.' 
This thiwd, d-duww wead, with wawnying aww as b-bwunt: 
'Who chooseth *teleports behind you* me must give and hazawd aww he hath.' 
*cries* How shaww I *hugs tightly* knyow if I do *blushes* choose the wight? 
POWTIA. The onye of them c-contains my pictuwe, Pwince; 
I-If you choose that, then I am youws withaw. 
PWINCE UwU OF MOWOCCO. >_< Some god diwect my ^w^ judgment! Wet me s-see; 
I wiww s-suwvey th' uWu inscwiptions back >_> again. 
What says this weaden casket? 
'Who chooseth me m-must g-give and hazawd UwU aww he hath.' 
Must give- fow w-what? Fow wead? Hazawd fow wead! 
This casket >w< thweatens; men that h-hazawd a-aww 
D-Do it *blushes* in h-hope of faiw advantages. 
A g-gowden mind stoops nyot *sweats* to shows of dwoss; 
I'ww then nyow give n-nyow hazawd aught fow wead. 
What *leans over* says the s-siwvew w-with hew viwgin hue? 
>_< 'Who chooseth me uWu shaww get as much as he desewves.' 
uWu As much as he desewves! >_> Pause thewe, Mowocco, 
And weigh t-thy vawue with a-an *looks at you* even hand. 
If t-thou beest wated b-by thy estimation, 
Thou dost desewve enyough, a-and yet enyough 
May nyot extend so f-faw as to the ;;w;; wady; 
A-And yet ^.^ to be afeawd of my desewving 
Wewe but a w-weak disabwing of mysewf. 
As m-much :33 as I desewve? Why, that's the wady! 
I do *moans* in b-biwth desewve h-hew, and in fowtunyes, 
In gwaces, and in quawities *hugs tightly* of OwO bweeding; 
B-But mowe than these, x3 in wove I *teleports behind you* do desewve. 
What :3 if I s-stway'd xDD nyo fawthew, but c-chose hewe? 
Wet's see once mowe this saying gwav'd in gowd: 
'Who chooseth me shaww gain >_< what many m-men d-desiwe.' 
Why, that's *cries* the wady! Aww the *looks at you* wowwd desiwes hew; 
Fwom the UwU fouw cownyews of the eawth *teleports behind you* they come 
To kiss this shwinye, *cries* this mowtaw-bweathing ^w^ saint. 
The Hywcanyian desewts *giggles shyly* and the *sighs* vasty wiwds 
*giggles shyly* Of wide Awabia awe as thwoughfawes nyow 
Fow p-pwinces to come view faiw Powtia. 
T-The watewy kingdom, whose ambitious head 
Spits in the face *teleports behind you* of heaven, is nyo baw 
To stop *pokes you* the xDD foweign s-spiwits, but they come 
As o'ew ^w^ a bwook to see faiw Powtia. 
Onye of these thwee contains hew h-heavenwy pictuwe. 
Is't wike that wead c-contains hew? 'Twewe *hugs tightly* damnyation 
To *giggles shyly* think so base a-a thought; it wewe too gwoss 
To wib hew *twerks* cewecwoth in the obscuwe gwave. 
Ow shaww I think i-in siwvew s-she's immuw'd, 
;;w;; Being t-ten times undewvawued to twied gowd? 
O-O sinfuw thought! Nyevew so wich a gem 
Was set in wowse than gowd. They *screams* have UwU in Engwand 
A coin t-that *sighs* beaws *teleports behind you* the figuwe of an angew 
Stamp'd in ^-^ gowd; but that's inscuwp'd upon. 
But *sighs* hewe an angew in a gowden bed 
Wies a-aww within. Dewivew *teleports behind you* me the key; 
Hewe d-do I choose, and thwive I as I m-may! 
POWTIA. Thewe, take it, P-Pwince, *cries* and i-if m-my fowm ^.^ wie t-thewe, 
Then I am youws. [He opens the g-gowden casket] 
PWINCE OF MOWOCCO. O heww! ^-^ what h-have we *cries* hewe? 
A cawwion Death, within *sweats* whose empty eye 
Thewe is *giggles shyly* a ^-^ wwitten scwoww! I-I'ww wead *looks at you* the w-wwiting. 
'Aww that gwistews i-is nyot gowd, 
Often have you heawd that towd; 
Many a man his wife hath sowd 
B-But m-my outside t-to b-behowd. 
G-Giwded t-tombs do wowms i-infowd. 
Had *looks at you* you :3 been *shuffles closer* as w-wise as bowd, 
Young in wimbs, in judgment owd, 
Youw a-answew had nyot been inscwoww'd. 
Fawe y-you w-weww, youw *teleports behind you* suit *twerks* is cowd.' 
Cowd indeed, and wabouw *pokes you* wost, 
Then faweweww, heat, and w-wewcome, fwost. 
Powtia, adieu! I have *notices bulge* too *hugs tightly* gwiev'd a heawt 
To ^.^ take a tedious weave; t-thus wosews pawt. 
E-Exit with his twain. :3 Fwouwish of c-cownyets 
POWTIA. A gentwe widdance. D-Dwaw the cuwtains, go. 
Wet aww of his compwexion choose *looks away* me s-so. *giggles shyly* Exeunt 




SCENyE VIII. 
Venyice. UwU A s-stweet 

xDD Entew SAWEWIO and SOWANyIO 

S-SAWEWIO. *giggles shyly* Why, man, I saw Bassanyio undew saiw; 
With h-him is Gwatianyo g-gonye *cuddles you* awong; 
And in t-theiw ship I am suwe :33 Wowenzo is nyot. 
S-SOWANyIO. The viwwain Jew with outcwies wais'd x3 the Duke, 
W-Who went with him *blushes* to s-seawch Bassanyio's ship. 
SAWEWIO. He came too *cuddles you* wate, the ship was ^.^ undew saiw; 
But thewe the Duke was given *cuddles you* to undewstand 
T-That in a gondowa wewe seen togethew 
Wowenzo and his amowous Jessica; 
Besides, Antonyio cewtified t-the Duke 
They wewe nyot with Bassanyio in his ship. 
SOWANyIO. *screams* I nyevew heawd a passion so confus'd, 
So stwange, outwageous, *giggles shyly* and so vawiabwe, 
A-As the dog Jew did u-uttew in the stweets. 
'My daughtew! O my *cries* ducats! O my daughtew! 
Fwed with a-a Chwistian! O my *twerks* Chwistian ducats! 
Justice! the waw! My *shuffles closer* ducats and m-my daughtew! 
A seawed bag, two s-seawed bags UwU of ducats, 
Of doubwe ducats, stow'n *cries* fwom me by my daughtew! 
A-And >w< jewews- two stonyes, two wich and p-pwecious stonyes, 
Stow'n by m-my daughtew! xDD Justice! Find the giww; 
She hath *twerks* the stonyes upon hew and the *cuddles you* ducats.' 
SAWEWIO. W-Why, aww the ^.^ boys i-in Venyice fowwow him, 
Cwying, his *looks at you* stonyes, ^-^ his daughtew, and his ducats. 
SOWANyIO. Wet good Antonyio wook h-he keep his d-day, 
Ow he shaww x3 pay fow this. 
SAWEWIO. Mawwy, w-weww w-wememb'wed; 
I weason'd *screams* with *cries* a Fwenchman y-yestewday, 
Who towd me, in the nyawwow *giggles shyly* seas >w< that pawt 
The Fwench and Engwish, thewe miscawwied 
*notices bulge* A vessew of ouw countwy wichwy fwaught. 
I thought upon Antonyio when he towd me, 
And wish'd in siwence that ^w^ it wewe n-nyot his. 
*leans over* SOWANyIO. You wewe best to teww Antonyio what *giggles shyly* you *teleports behind you* heaw; 
Yet do nyot s-suddenwy, fow i-it may gwieve him. 
*hugs tightly* SAWEWIO. A *teleports behind you* kindew gentweman tweads nyot the eawth. 
I saw Bassanyio and Antonyio pawt. 
Bassanyio t-towd him he wouwd *leans over* make some speed 
Of his wetuwn. *cries* He answewed 'Do nyot UwU so; 
Swubbew nyot businyess fow my sake, Bassanyio, 
But >_> stay the vewy wiping o-of the time; 
A-And fow the Jew's bond *cuddles you* which h-he *giggles shyly* hath of m-me, 
Wet it nyot *teleports behind you* entew in youw mind of wove; 
Be mewwy, and empwoy youw chiefest thoughts 
To couwtship, and ^w^ such faiw ostents o-of w-wove 
As shaww convenyientwy become you t-thewe.' 
And x3 even thewe, his eye being big *hugs tightly* with teaws, 
Tuwnying his *moans* face, he >_> put his h-hand behind him, 
And with affection wondwous sensibwe 
He wwung Bassanyio's hand; and s-so they pawted. 
SOWANyIO. I think he onwy woves *notices bulge* the wowwd fow >w< him. 
I pway thee, w-wet u-us go and find him o-out, 
UwU And quicken his embwaced *screams* heavinyess 
With some dewight ow othew. 
SAWEWIO. Do we so. Exeunt 




S-SCENyE IX. 
:33 Bewmont. POWTIA'S house 

Entew NyEWISSA, and a-a SEWVITOW 

NyEWISSA. Quick, q-quick, I-I pway uWu thee, dwaw t-the cuwtain stwaight; 
T-The Pwince of *screams* Awwagon hath ta'en h-his oath, 
And comes to his ewection OwO pwesentwy. 

Fwouwish of cownyets. ^.^ Entew the P-PWINCE OF AWWAGON, 
*looks away* POWTIA, *notices bulge* and *blushes* theiw twains 

*giggles shyly* POWTIA. Behowd, *moans* thewe stand the c-caskets, nyobwe >_> Pwince. 
If you choose that whewein I *cuddles you* am contain'd, 
S-Stwaight shaww ouw nyuptiaw wites be sowemnyiz'd; 
But if you faiw, without mowe speech, my wowd, 
You must be gonye fwom hence immediatewy. 
AWWAGON. I-I am enjoin'd *teleports behind you* by o-oath to o-obsewve thwee things: 
F-Fiwst, nyevew to unfowd to a-any onye 
*screams* Which casket 'twas I UwU chose; nyext, i-if I faiw 
Of the wight casket, nyevew in my wife 
To woo a-a maid x3 in ^w^ way of mawwiage; 
*sweats* Wastwy, 
I-If I do faiw in fowtunye of my choice, 
Immediatewy to weave you ;;w;; and be gonye. 
*cuddles you* POWTIA. T-To these injunctions evewy o-onye doth sweaw 
That comes to hazawd fow my wowthwess s-sewf. 
AWWAGON. And so have I *cries* addwess'd me. Fowtunye nyow 
To my heawt's hope! *pokes you* Gowd, siwvew, and base wead. 
'Who chooseth me must UwU give and hazawd aww *shuffles closer* he hath.' 
You shaww wook f-faiwew ewe I give ow hazawd. 
*giggles shyly* What says the gowden chest? Ha! w-wet *looks at you* me see: 
'Who chooseth me shaww gain w-what many men ^.^ desiwe.' 
What many men d-desiwe- that 'many' may b-be meant 
*shuffles closer* By the f-foow muwtitude, t-that choose by show, 
Nyot weawnying mowe *cries* than the fond eye doth teach; 
^.^ Which pwies nyot to th' intewiow, but, wike t-the :33 mawtwet, 
*looks away* Buiwds in the weathew on the o-outwawd waww, 
Even in the uWu fowce and woad of casuawty. 
I wiww >_< nyot choose what many men desiwe, 
Because I wiww nyot jump with common s-spiwits 
And uWu wank me with the bawbawous UwU muwtitudes. 
Why, then to thee, thou siwvew tweasuwe-house! 
Teww me once mowe w-what titwe thou dost beaw. 
'Who chooseth me shaww get as OwO much as he *shuffles closer* desewves.' 
A-And weww xDD said *notices bulge* too; fow who shaww go about 
To cozen fowtunye, and be >_< honyouwabwe 
Without the stamp of mewit? Wet nyonye pwesume 
To w-weaw an u-undesewved dignyity. 
O t-that estates, degwees, and offices, 
Wewe nyot dewiv'd cowwuptwy, and *shuffles closer* that cweaw h-honyouw 
xDD Wewe p-puwchas'd by the *screams* mewit of >w< the weawew! 
How many then shouwd c-covew that stand b-bawe! 
How many *hugs tightly* be commanded that c-command! 
How >w< much wow peasantwy wouwd then b-be gweanyed 
Fwom the twue seed of honyouw! and *hugs tightly* how much *twerks* honyouw 
Pick'd fwom the chaff and >_> wuin of the >_< times, 
To be nyew vawnyish'd! Weww, but to m-my choice. 
'Who *looks away* chooseth me s-shaww get as much as h-he ^-^ desewves.' 
I wiww *pokes you* assume desewt. Give me a key xDD fow t-this, 
And instantwy unwock my fowtunyes hewe. 
[He opens >_< the siwvew >w< casket] 
POWTIA. [Aside] Too wong UwU a pause fow t-that which you find thewe. 
A-AWWAGON. W-What's hewe? The powtwait o-of a bwinking idiot 
Pwesenting me a scheduwe! I-I wiww wead it. 
How much unwike awt thou to *cries* Powtia! 
How much unwike my hopes x3 and *shuffles closer* my desewvings! 
'Who chooseth me s-shaww *looks away* have as much as he desewves.' 
Did *sweats* I desewve nyo mowe than a-a *moans* foow's head? 
Is that m-my pwize? Awe my desewts nyo bettew? 
POWTIA. T-To offend and ^.^ judge awe distinct offices 
And *pokes you* of opposed nyatuwes. 
AWWAGON. What uWu is hewe? [Weads] 

'The fiwe seven *looks at you* times twied this; 
*looks at you* Seven t-times twied that judgment *sighs* is 
*screams* That did nyevew choose amiss. 
S-Some thewe be that >w< shadows kiss, 
S-Such have *pokes you* but *cries* a *looks at you* shadow's b-bwiss. 
Thewe >_> be foows ^w^ awive iwis 
Siwvew'd o'ew, a-and so was this. 
Take w-what wife you w-wiww t-to bed, 
I w-wiww evew be youw h-head. 
So be uWu gonye; you awe sped.' 

Stiww mowe foow I shaww appeaw 
By the time I wingew hewe. 
With onye foow's head I came to woo, 
But I *screams* go *twerks* away with *leans over* two. 
Sweet, adieu! *shuffles closer* I'ww keep my o-oath, 
Patientwy *giggles shyly* to beaw my wwoth. Exit with his :33 twain 

POWTIA. Thus hath the candwe sing'd the moth. 
O-O, these dewibewate foows! When they do choose, 
They h-have t-the wisdom by theiw wit to wose. 
NyEWISSA. The ancient saying is nyo hewesy: 
Hanging a-and wiving g-goes by destiny. 
POWTIA. Come, dwaw the c-cuwtain, Nyewissa. 

Entew UwU a SEWVANT 

SEWVANT. ^w^ Whewe is my wady? 
:3 POWTIA. Hewe; what wouwd *twerks* my wowd? 
SEWVANT. M-Madam, thewe i-is awighted a-at youw g-gate 
A y-young Venyetian, onye that comes befowe 
To signyify th' appwoaching of his wowd, 
*notices bulge* Fwom whom *screams* he b-bwingeth sensibwe wegweets; 
To wit, besides commends *twerks* and couwteous bweath, 
Gifts o-of w-wich x3 vawue. Yet I have *moans* nyot *looks at you* seen 
So wikewy a-an ambassadow of ^-^ wove. 
A day in Apwiw n-nyevew came so sweet 
To show how costwy s-summew x3 was at hand 
As this fowe-spuwwew comes befowe his x3 wowd. 
POWTIA. xDD Nyo mowe, I pway thee; I UwU am hawf afeawd 
Thou *blushes* wiwt say a-anyon >_> he i-is some k-kin to thee, 
Thou spend'st such high-day wit in p-pwaising him. 
Come, xDD come, Nyewissa, fow I >w< wong to *looks away* see 
Quick Cupid's post that comes *teleports behind you* so m-mannyewwy. 
NyEWISSA. Bassanyio, ^-^ Wowd Wove, if thy wiww *screams* it b-be! Exeunt 




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ACT I-III. SCENyE I-I. 
*pokes you* Venyice. A stweet 

Entew S-SOWANyIO and SAWEWIO 

SOWANyIO. Nyow, what nyews on the W-Wiawto? 
SAWEWIO. Why, yet it wives thewe uncheck'd that Antonyio hath a ship 
of wich wading wweck'd on the nyawwow :33 seas; the Goodwins I t-think 
they caww the :33 pwace, a vewy dangewous fwat a-and fataw, whewe t-the 
cawcases of many a t-taww ship wie buwied, as they say, if m-my 
gossip Wepowt be an h-honyest woman of hew wowd. 
SOWANyIO. I wouwd *cuddles you* she wewe as wying a g-gossip in that as evew >_> knyapp'd 
gingew ow made h-hew nyeighbouws bewieve she *pokes you* wept uWu fow the death of a 
thiwd husband. But it is uWu twue, without any swips ^.^ of pwowixity ow 
cwossing t-the pwain h-highway of tawk, that the good Antonyio, the 
*giggles shyly* honyest Antonyio- O that I had a-a *twerks* titwe *shuffles closer* good enyough to keep his nyame 
company!- 
OwO SAWEWIO. Come, :3 the fuww stop. 
SOWANyIO. Ha! What *looks at you* sayest thou? Why, t-the e-end i-is, x3 he hath wost a 
s-ship. 
SAWEWIO. :33 I wouwd i-it might pwove the end *sweats* of his wosses. 
SOWANyIO. Wet *cries* me say amen betimes, west the deviw c-cwoss my pwayew, 
*looks away* fow hewe he comes *looks away* in *shuffles closer* the wikenyess of a Jew. 

Entew SHYWOCK 

^w^ How nyow, Shywock? What nyews among the mewchants? 
>w< SHYWOCK. You k-knyew, nyonye s-so weww, nyonye *hugs tightly* so weww as you, of *blushes* my 
daughtew's fwight. 
S-SAWEWIO. That's cewtain; I, fow my *moans* pawt, knyew the taiwow that made 
the wings she fwew *hugs tightly* withaw. 
SOWANyIO. And Shywock, fow his own pawt, knyew the biwd w-was >w< fwidge; 
and then it is the compwexion of them aww to weave the dam. 
*leans over* SHYWOCK. She is damn'd fow it. 
S-SAWEWIO. That's cewtain, if the deviw may be hew judge. 
SHYWOCK. *hugs tightly* My own fwesh and bwood to webew! 
*giggles shyly* SOWANyIO. Out upon it, o-owd cawwion! Webews it *looks away* at these yeaws? 
SHYWOCK. I-I say my daughtew is my fwesh and my bwood. 
SAWEWIO. Thewe is uWu mowe diffewence between t-thy fwesh and hews than 
between jet and ivowy; mowe *twerks* between youw *looks away* bwoods than thewe OwO is 
between wed winye and W-Whenyish. But teww *looks away* us, xDD do y-you heaw whethew 
A-Antonyio have had any woss at sea ow nyo? 
SHYWOCK. OwO Thewe I have anyothew bad match: a b-bankwupt, a pwodigaw, 
w-who *pokes you* dawe scawce show his head on the Wiawto; a beggaw, that was 
u-us'd to come so smug upon the ^.^ mawt. Wet him w-wook OwO to his bond. He 
was wont *sighs* to caww me usuwew; wet him wook to his *hugs tightly* bond. He w-was wont 
to wend monyey fow a Chwistian couwtesy; wet him wook to his bond. 
S-SAWEWIO. W-Why, I am suwe, if he *cries* fowfeit, thou wiwt nyot take his 
f-fwesh. What's ^w^ that good fow? 
SHYWOCK. To :33 bait fish withaw. If it wiww *blushes* feed nyothing ewse, it wiww 
feed my uWu wevenge. He h-hath disgwac'd me and hind'wed me hawf >_< a 
miwwion; waugh'd at my *pokes you* wosses, mock'd at my gains, scownyed my 
nyation, thwawted my bawgains, coowed my fwiends, heated minye 
enyemies. *cries* And w-what's his weason? *pokes you* I am a Jew. H-Hath nyot a Jew eyes? 
Hath nyot *giggles shyly* a Jew hands, o-owgans, dimensions, senses, >w< affections, 
passions, *cries* fed with the same f-food, huwt with the same weapons, 
subject to the same d-diseases, heawed by the same means, wawmed 
:3 and coowed by the same wintew and summew, as a Chwistian is? *giggles shyly* If 
you pwick us, do we nyot bweed? If you tickwe us, *cries* do *looks away* we nyot *screams* waugh? 
*looks at you* If you ^-^ poison us, do we n-nyot d-die? And if you wwong u-us, shaww w-we 
nyot wevenge? If we awe wike you in the west, we wiww wesembwe you 
in that. I-If a *looks away* Jew wwong a Chwistian, uWu what i-is his humiwity? 
Wevenge. *screams* If a Chwistian wwong a Jew, what shouwd his *twerks* suffewance 
be by *giggles shyly* Chwistian exampwe? W-Why, wevenge. The viwwainy you t-teach me 
>_< I ^.^ wiww execute; and ^w^ itshaww go hawd but I wiww bettew the 
instwuction. 

Entew a-a MAN fwom ANTONyIO 

MAN. Gentwemen, my *notices bulge* mastew Antonyio is at his house, *looks away* and desiwes to 
speak with *looks at you* you both. 
S-SAWEWIO. We h-have been up and ^-^ down to s-seek him. 

Entew TUBAW 

*twerks* SOWANyIO. *cuddles you* Hewe comes anyothew of the twibe; a thiwd x3 cannyot be 
m-match'd, unwess t-the deviw x3 himsewf tuwn Jew. 
Exeunt SOWANyIO, SAWEWIO, and MAN 
SHYWOCK. *sighs* How n-nyow, Tubaw, what nyews fwom Genyoa? Hast thou :33 found my 
daughtew? 
TUBAW. I often came whewe I did heaw of h-hew, but cannyot f-find hew. 
SHYWOCK. Why thewe, thewe, ^.^ thewe, thewe! A diamond gonye, cost me 
two thousand ducats in Fwankfowt! The cuwse nyevew feww u-upon ouw 
nyation tiww nyow; I-I nyevew fewt it tiww nyow. *hugs tightly* Two thousand ducats in 
that, and othew pwecious, pwecious *shuffles closer* jewews. >_< I wouwd m-my daughtew 
*cuddles you* wewe dead at my foot, and t-the jewews *looks away* in hew eaw; wouwd she w-wewe 
heaws'd at my foot, and the ducats i-in hew coffin! Nyo nyews ^w^ of 
them? Why, so- and I *leans over* knyow OwO nyot what's s-spent in UwU the s-seawch. *teleports behind you* Why, 
t-thou- >_< woss u-upon woss! The *screams* thief gonye w-with so much, and so much to 
^-^ find t-the thief; and *teleports behind you* nyo satisfaction, >w< nyo wevenge; nyow nyo iww wuck 
stiwwing but what wights o' my shouwdews; nyo sighs but o' my 
bweathing; n-nyo *notices bulge* teaws but o' my shedding! 
TUBAW. Y-Yes, o-othew men have iww wuck too: Antonyio, *hugs tightly* as I heawd in 
Genyoa- 
SHYWOCK. What, what, what? Iww OwO wuck, iww w-wuck? 
TUBAW. Hath an awgosy *notices bulge* cast away coming fwom Twipowis. 
*notices bulge* SHYWOCK. I thank God, I thank God. Is i-it x3 twue, x3 is it twue? 
TUBAW. I spoke with some *hugs tightly* of the saiwows *hugs tightly* that e-escaped *looks at you* the wweck. 
>_> SHYWOCK. I thank t-thee, good Tubaw. *cries* Good nyews, good nyews- ha, *twerks* ha!- 
heawd i-in Genyoa. 
TUBAW. Youw daughtew spent in Genyoa, as *shuffles closer* I heawd, o-onye nyight, 
fouwscowe ducats. 
S-SHYWOCK. Thou >_< stick'st a daggew in m-me- I shaww nyevew see my OwO gowd 
again. Fouwscowe ducats at a sitting! Fouwscowe ducats! 
*cries* TUBAW. Thewe came divews of Antonyio's *blushes* cweditows in my >w< company t-to 
Venyice that sweaw he c-cannyot *sweats* choose b-but bweak. 
*screams* SHYWOCK. I x3 am vewy gwad of it; I'ww pwague him, I'ww towtuwe :3 him; I 
am gwad o-of it. 
TUBAW. Onye of t-them showed me a wing t-that x3 he had of y-youw daughtew 
f-fow *twerks* a monkey. 
SHYWOCK. Out upon hew! T-Thou towtuwest me, T-Tubaw. It *hugs tightly* was my 
t-tuwquoise; I had it of Weah w-when I was a-a bachewow; I w-wouwd *screams* nyot 
have given it fow a wiwdewnyess of monkeys. 
TUBAW. But Antonyio is cewtainwy undonye. 
SHYWOCK. Nyay, that's twue; that's vewy twue. Go, Tubaw, fee me an 
officew; ;;w;; bespeak him a-a fowtnyight befowe. I wiww have *notices bulge* the *leans over* heawt of 
him, if he fowfeit; fow, wewe he o-out of >_< Venyice, I can make >_< what 
mewchandise I :33 wiww. Go, Tubaw, and meet me at ouw s-synyagogue; go, 
good Tubaw; at ouw s-synyagogue, Tubaw. Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Bewmont. POWTIA'S house 

Entew *hugs tightly* BASSANyIO, POWTIA, GWATIANyO, NyEWISSA, and aww theiw twains 

POWTIA. I pway you tawwy; pause a day ow two 
*pokes you* Befowe you hazawd; fow, in choosing wwong, 
I wose y-youw company; thewefowe fowbeaw a whiwe. 
Thewe's s-something t-tewws me- but it is nyot *pokes you* wove- 
I wouwd nyot wose you; and you knyow youwsewf 
H-Hate c-counsews n-nyot *sweats* in such a q-quawity. 
But xDD west y-you shouwd nyot *notices bulge* undewstand me x3 weww- 
And yet a maiden hath nyo tongue b-but t-thought- 
I w-wouwd detain you hewe some month *cries* ow two 
Befowe you ventuwe fow me. I couwd teach you 
How t-to ^.^ choose wight, but then I am f-fowswown; 
So wiww I *notices bulge* nyevew be; so may y-you miss me; 
But if you do, you'ww x3 make m-me wish a sin, 
That >_> I OwO had ;;w;; been fowswown. Beshwew youw eyes! 
They have o'ewwook'd me and divided me; 
O-Onye hawf :3 of me is youws, the othew hawf youws- 
Minye own, I wouwd say; b-but if *sweats* minye, t-then youws, 
And so aww youws. O! these nyaughty times 
Puts *cuddles you* baws between the ownyews and theiw wights; 
And so, though youws, nyot youws. Pwove i-it so, 
Wet fowtunye *twerks* go >_< to heww fow it, nyot I-I. 
I speak too wong, uWu but 'tis to peize the time, 
To eke it, and t-to dwaw it out i-in *sighs* wength, 
To stay you fwom ewection. 
B-BASSANyIO. W-Wet me c-choose; 
Fow as I a-am, I wive *shuffles closer* upon the OwO wack. 
POWTIA. Upon the wack, Bassanyio? Then c-confess 
UwU What tweason xDD thewe is mingwed :33 with youw w-wove. 
BASSANyIO. Nyonye but OwO that ugwy tweason of mistwust 
Which makes me feaw th' enjoying of my wove; 
Thewe may as w-weww be amity and wife 
*shuffles closer* 'Tween s-snyow and fiwe as tweason and *blushes* my *pokes you* wove. 
POWTIA. uWu Ay, but I f-feaw you speak upon xDD the wack, 
W-Whewe men enfowced do speak anything. 
B-BASSANyIO. Pwomise me *looks away* wife, and I'ww confess the twuth. 
POWTIA. Weww then, confess and wive. 
BASSANyIO. 'Confess' and '-'wove' 
Had been the vewy s-sum of m-my ;;w;; confession. 
O h-happy towment, *pokes you* when my *shuffles closer* towtuwew 
Doth teach *sighs* me answews f-fow d-dewivewance! 
But wet me t-to my fowtunye and the caskets. 
P-POWTIA. Away, then; I am wock'd i-in onye o-of them. 
*hugs tightly* If you *leans over* do wove me, you wiww find me out. 
^.^ Nyewissa and the west, *notices bulge* stand aww awoof; 
Wet music sound whiwe he doth make h-his *sighs* choice; 
Then, if he wose, he makes a swan-wike end, 
Fading in music. That t-the :3 compawison 
May stand mowe pwopew, my eye shaww be t-the stweam 
And wat'wy death-bed fow him. He may win; 
A-And what *screams* is music then? Then music is 
Even as t-the fwouwish when twue subjects bow 
*twerks* To a nyew-cwownyed monyawch; such it is 
As awe those duwcet s-sounds in bweak of *pokes you* day 
That cweep into >_< the dweaming bwidegwoom's eaw 
And summon *sweats* him to *cuddles you* mawwiage. Nyow he goes, 
With *teleports behind you* nyo wess *cuddles you* pwesence, but with much *sighs* mowe wove, 
T-Than *cries* young Awcides when he did wedeem 
The viwgin twibute paid by howwing T-Twoy 
T-To t-the sea-monstew. I stand ^w^ fow sacwifice; 
The west awoof awe the *looks away* Dawdanyian wives, 
*moans* With xDD bweawed visages come fowth to view 
T-The *notices bulge* issue of th' expwoit. Go, Hewcuwes! 
Wive thou, I wive. With much m-much mowe dismay 
I view the fight >_> than thou that *sweats* mak'st the fway. 

A SONG 

t-the whiwst BASSANyIO comments on the caskets to himsewf 

Teww me ;;w;; whewe *screams* is fancy b-bwed, 
Ow uWu in the heawt ow i-in the head, 
H-How begot, *shuffles closer* how nyouwished? 
W-Wepwy, wepwy. 
It *screams* is engend'wed in the eyes, 
*notices bulge* With gazing fed; and fancy dies 
In the cwadwe whewe it w-wies. 
Wet *sweats* us aww wing fancy's knyeww: 
*screams* I'ww begin it- Ding, dong, b-beww. 
AWW. D-Ding, d-dong, beww. 

BASSANyIO. So may the outwawd shows be *looks at you* weast themsewves; 
The wowwd is stiww d-deceiv'd with ownyament. 
In waw, what pwea *cries* so tainted a-and cowwupt 
But, b-being season'd with a gwacious voice, 
Obscuwes the show UwU of eviw? In wewigion, 
What damnyed ewwow but some sobew bwow 
Wiww >_> bwess it, and ^w^ appwove i-it *notices bulge* with a text, 
Hiding the gwossnyess with faiw ownyament? 
Thewe is nyo *notices bulge* vice so simpwe b-but assumes 
Some m-mawk of viwtue on *blushes* his outwawd pawts. 
How many cowawds, whose heawts awe aww as fawse 
As staiws of sand, w-weaw yet *looks away* upon theiw c-chins 
The beawds of UwU Hewcuwes and fwownying Maws; 
^.^ Who, inwawd s-seawch'd, have wivews white as m-miwk! 
And these assume but vawouw's excwement 
To wendew them wedoubted. Wook on beauty 
And you shaww see 'tis p-puwchas'd by the weight, 
Which thewein wowks a m-miwacwe in nyatuwe, 
Making *teleports behind you* them w-wightest that *twerks* weaw ^-^ most *leans over* of it; 
So awe those c-cwisped snyaky gowden wocks 
Which make *moans* such *screams* wanton gambows with the *shuffles closer* wind 
Upon supposed faiwnyess often knyown 
T-To be the *twerks* dowwy of a second head- 
The s-skuww that bwed them in the s-sepuwchwe. 
uWu Thus ownyament is but the guiwed showe 
To *pokes you* a most dangewous sea; the beauteous scawf 
Veiwing an Indian beauty; in a wowd, 
The seeming t-twuth which cunnying times put on 
To e-entwap the *pokes you* wisest. *cries* Thewefowe, thou *giggles shyly* gaudy gowd, 
:33 Hawd food f-fow Midas, I w-wiww nyonye of thee; 
N-Nyow nyonye of thee, *hugs tightly* thou p-pawe and common dwudge 
*sweats* 'Tween man a-and man; b-but thou, thou meagwe wead, 
Which wathew thweaten'st than dost pwomise aught, 
Thy pwainnyess moves me mowe than ewoquence, 
And hewe choose *screams* I. Joy be *teleports behind you* the consequence! 
POWTIA. *teleports behind you* [Aside] How aww the o-othew passions fweet to aiw, 
x3 As doubtfuw thoughts, and :3 wash-embwac'd despaiw, 
And shudd'wing feaw, and gween-ey'd jeawousy! 
:33 O wove, be modewate, *leans over* awway thy ecstasy, 
*sweats* In measuwe wain t-thy joy, scant this excess! 
I feew too m-much thy bwessing. Make it w-wess, 
Fow *looks away* feaw I suwfeit. 
BASSANyIO. [Openying t-the weaden casket] What find I hewe? 
*giggles shyly* Faiw Powtia's *cries* countewfeit! What d-demi-god 
Hath come so nyeaw cweation? Move these *looks at you* eyes? 
Ow whethew widing o-on the bawws of m-minye 
Seem they in motion? H-Hewe awe >w< sevew'd wips, 
Pawted w-with sugaw bweath; *looks at you* so sweet a baw 
Shouwd s-sundew such sweet fwiends. H-Hewe in hew *teleports behind you* haiws 
*shuffles closer* The paintew pways the s-spidew, and hath woven 
A gowden mesh t' e-entwap the heawts of men 
Fastew than gnyats i-in cobwebs. *twerks* But hew uWu eyes- 
How *shuffles closer* couwd he see to do them? Having m-made onye, 
Methinks *giggles shyly* it shouwd have powew to steaw both his, 
A-And w-weave itsewf ;;w;; unfuwnyish'd. Yet wook how faw 
The substance of my pwaise doth wwong this shadow 
I-In undewpwizing *looks away* it, :33 so faw t-this shadow 
Doth wimp behind the substance. >w< Hewe's the scwoww, 
The continyent *twerks* and summawy of m-my fowtunye. 
'You that UwU choose nyot by t-the view, 
Chance *pokes you* as faiw and *blushes* choose as t-twue! 
Since t-this fowtunye fawws t-to you, 
^.^ Be content and seek nyo nyew. 
If you be weww *sweats* pweas'd with this, 
And howd y-youw fowtunye fow youw b-bwiss, 
Tuwn to whewe youw >w< wady is 
And cwaim hew with a woving kiss.' 
A ;;w;; gentwe scwoww. Faiw wady, by youw weave; 
I come by nyote, to give :3 and to weceive. 
Wike onye of two contending in *looks at you* a pwize, 
T-That t-thinks he :33 hath donye weww in peopwe's *cuddles you* eyes, 
H-Heawing appwause and unyivewsaw shout, 
Giddy in spiwit, stiww gazing i-in a doubt 
Whethew those x3 peaws *sighs* of OwO pwaise b-be his ^.^ ow nyo; 
So, thwice-faiw *screams* wady, *pokes you* stand I even so, 
As doubtfuw whethew what I see be >_< twue, 
Untiw confiwm'd, s-sign'd, watified *moans* by y-you. 
POWTIA. You see me, *pokes you* Wowd B-Bassanyio, whewe I s-stand, 
Such as I am. Though fow mysewf awonye 
I wouwd nyot be ambitious in my wish 
To w-wish mysewf UwU much bettew, y-yet fow you 
I-I wouwd be twebwed twenty times mysewf, 
A thousand times mowe faiw, ten thousand times m-mowe wich, 
T-That onwy to >_> stand *moans* high in xDD youw account 
I might in viwtues, b-beauties, wivings, *teleports behind you* fwiends, 
Exceed account. But the :33 fuww sum of me 
Is s-sum *sighs* of something which, to tewm in gwoss, 
Is an unwesson'd giww, unschoow'd, unpwactis'd; 
Happy in this, she is nyot yet so owd 
OwO But s-she may weawn; happiew than this, 
She is nyot bwed so ;;w;; duww but she can weawn; 
Happiest of aww is that h-hew gentwe spiwit 
>_< Commits i-itsewf >_> to youws x3 to :33 be :3 diwected, 
As fwom hew wowd, h-hew govewnyow, hew k-king. 
M-Mysewf and what *sighs* is m-minye *sighs* to you and youws 
I-Is nyow convewted. But nyow I was the wowd 
Of this faiw m-mansion, mastew of x3 my sewvants, 
Queen o'ew m-mysewf; and even nyow, but nyow, 
This house, x3 these sewvants, and this ^.^ same mysewf, 
Awe youws- my wowd's. I give them with uWu this wing, 
Which when you pawt fwom, wose, ow give *screams* away, 
Wet i-it pwesage the w-wuin *cries* of *giggles shyly* youw wove, 
And ^.^ be my vantage to excwaim on you. 
BASSANyIO. Madam, ^.^ you have b-beweft me of aww *sweats* wowds; 
*giggles shyly* Onwy my bwood speaks >_> to y-you in my v-veins; 
;;w;; And thewe is such confusion in *notices bulge* my *moans* powews 
As, aftew some >w< owation faiwwy s-spoke 
By a bewoved pwince, thewe doth appeaw 
Among the buzzing pweased muwtitude, 
Whewe e-evewy something, being bwent togethew, 
Tuwns to a-a wiwd of nyothing, save x3 of joy 
Expwess'd and *leans over* nyot *cuddles you* expwess'd. But when t-this wing 
Pawts >_> fwom this f-fingew, then *screams* pawts wife xDD fwom hence; 
O, then be bowd to say Bassanyio's dead! 
NyEWISSA. My *pokes you* wowd and wady, it is nyow ouw time 
*moans* That h-have stood by and seen ouw wishes pwospew 
T-To c-cwy 'Good joy.' Good joy, OwO my wowd and wady! 
GWATIANyO. ^.^ My Wowd ;;w;; Bassanyio, and my gentwe *looks away* wady, 
I wish you aww the joy that y-you can wish, 
*blushes* Fow I am OwO suwe y-you can wish *cries* nyonye fwom me; 
And, when youw uWu honyouws mean to sowemnyize 
The bawgain o-of youw f-faith, I-I xDD do beseech you 
xDD Even at t-that t-time I may be mawwied *looks at you* too. 
*looks at you* BASSANyIO. With a-aww my h-heawt, so ^w^ thou canst *sweats* get a wife. 
GWATIANyO. I thank youw wowdship, you h-have got me onye. 
M-My eyes, my wowd, *blushes* can wook as swift as y-youws: 
>_< You saw the *teleports behind you* mistwess, I >_> behewd the maid; 
You x3 wov'd, *notices bulge* I wov'd; fow intewmission 
*cries* Nyo >w< mowe pewtains to m-me, my wowd, than you. 
Y-Youw fowtunye s-stood ^.^ upon the caskets thewe, 
And so did minye t-too, *cuddles you* as t-the mattew fawws; 
Fow wooing hewe untiw I sweat again, 
And xDD sweawing tiww my vewy uWu woof w-was dwy 
W-With oaths of w-wove, at wast- if pwomise OwO wast- 
I *hugs tightly* got *giggles shyly* a p-pwomise of UwU this faiw *twerks* onye *leans over* hewe 
To have h-hew *sweats* wove, p-pwovided that youw fowtunye 
A-Achiev'd h-hew m-mistwess. 
POWTIA. Is this *sweats* twue, Nyewissa? 
OwO NyEWISSA. M-Madam, it is, so you stand pweas'd withaw. 
BASSANyIO. And d-do you, Gwatianyo, mean good faith? 
GWATIANyO. Yes, faith, my *sighs* wowd. 
BASSANyIO. Ouw *sweats* feast shaww be much honyouwed in youw mawwiage. 
GWATIANyO. We'ww p-pway with :3 them: the f-fiwst boy fow a thousand 
ducats. 
NyEWISSA. What, and stake down? 
G-GWATIANyO. Nyo; we shaww nye'ew w-win at that spowt, and stake down- 
B-But who comes hewe? Wowenzo a-and his infidew? 
What, and my owd Venyetian fwiend, *sighs* Sawewio! 

Entew WOWENZO, J-JESSICA, and SAWEWIO, a messengew 
fwom *notices bulge* Venyice 

BASSANyIO. UwU Wowenzo and Sawewio, wewcome hithew, 
If that the youth of *cries* my nyew int'west hewe 
:33 Have *looks away* powew *giggles shyly* to bid you *notices bulge* wewcome. By youw weave, 
I bid *shuffles closer* my vewy fwiends and *teleports behind you* countwymen, 
Sweet Powtia, wewcome. 
POWTIA. *notices bulge* So d-do I, my :3 wowd; 
They a-awe entiwewy wewcome. 
WOWENZO. *notices bulge* I thank youw honyouw. :33 Fow my pawt, uWu my wowd, 
My puwpose was *screams* nyot *hugs tightly* to have seen you hewe; 
But meeting with *cuddles you* Sawewio by the way, 
He *cries* did entweat me, past UwU aww s-saying n-nyay, 
To come with him awong. 
^.^ SAWEWIO. I did, *looks at you* my wowd, 
*looks at you* And I h-have weason fow *pokes you* it. Signyiow Antonyio 
Commends him to y-you. [Gives BASSANyIO a *cries* wettew] 
;;w;; BASSANyIO. Ewe I *cries* ope his wettew, 
I-I pway you teww me how my >w< good f-fwiend doth. 
SAWEWIO. Nyot sick, my w-wowd, unwess ^w^ it be in mind; 
*twerks* Nyow weww, unwess i-in mind; his wettew thewe 
Wiww show you ^-^ his estate. [BASSANyIO >_< opens the wettew] 
G-GWATIANyO. Nyewissa, cheew y-yond x3 stwangew; bid hew wewcome. 
Youw hand, Sawewio. What's the nyews fwom Venyice? 
How doth that woyaw mewchant, *notices bulge* good Antonyio? 
I k-knyow he wiww be gwad o-of ouw success: 
We awe the Jasons, we *teleports behind you* have won the fweece. 
SAWEWIO. I wouwd y-you *hugs tightly* had won the fweece t-that he hath w-wost. 
POWTIA. Thewe awe some shwewd contents in yond same p-papew 
That steaws t-the cowouw fwom *hugs tightly* Bassanyio's cheek: 
Some deaw fwiend dead, ewse nyothing in the wowwd 
Couwd tuwn so m-much the c-constitution 
Of any constant man. What, wowse and wowse! 
With weave, Bassanyio: I am hawf youwsewf, 
And I must fweewy have the hawf of anything 
That this same papew b-bwings you. 
BASSANyIO. O *screams* sweet Powtia, 
Hewe awe a few of t-the unpweasant'st wowds 
That e-evew bwotted *teleports behind you* papew! Gentwe wady, 
When I did fiwst i-impawt m-my *notices bulge* wove to y-you, 
*giggles shyly* I >_< fweewy towd you a-aww the weawth I had 
Wan in my veins- I was *cries* a gentweman; 
And then I towd y-you t-twue. And y-yet, deaw w-wady, 
Wating mysewf at nyothing, you shaww see 
How much I was a bwaggawt. *sweats* When I towd you 
My state *screams* was nyothing, I *cuddles you* shouwd then have towd you 
That I was *sighs* wowse than nyothing; fow i-indeed 
I have engag'd m-mysewf to a d-deaw fwiend, 
Engag'd m-my fwiend *teleports behind you* to his *notices bulge* mewe enyemy, 
To feed *notices bulge* my m-means. H-Hewe *moans* is a w-wettew, wady, 
The papew as the *looks at you* body of my *twerks* fwiend, 
And evewy wowd in i-it a gaping *hugs tightly* wound 
Issuing wife-bwood. B-But is :33 it twue, Sawewio? 
Hath aww his v-ventuwes f-faiw'd? What, n-nyot onye hit? 
Fwom Twipowis, fwom *blushes* Mexico, and E-Engwand, 
^-^ Fwom Wisbon, UwU Bawbawy, and I-India, 
And nyot onye vessew *sighs* scape *twerks* the dweadfuw touch 
O-Of *teleports behind you* mewchant-mawwing w-wocks? 
SAWEWIO. Nyot >_> onye, my >w< wowd. 
B-Besides, i-it shouwd appeaw that, if he had 
The p-pwesent m-monyey to d-dischawge x3 the J-Jew, 
He wouwd nyot take it. Nyevew d-did I knyow 
A c-cweatuwe that did beaw *looks at you* the shape of man 
So *hugs tightly* keen and g-gweedy to ^w^ confound a man. 
He pwies t-the D-Duke at m-mownying and at nyight, 
And d-doth impeach *sighs* the >_> fweedom *looks away* of the *cuddles you* state, 
If ^.^ they deny him justice. T-Twenty m-mewchants, 
The Duke himsewf, and the magnyificoes 
Of gweatest powt, have a-aww pewsuaded with him; 
But n-nyonye c-can dwive him fwom the envious p-pwea 
Of fowfeituwe, of j-justice, and UwU his bond. 
JESSICA. W-When I was with him, I have h-heawd him sweaw 
To Tubaw and t-to Chus, h-his countwymen, 
^-^ That he wouwd ^.^ wathew have A-Antonyio's fwesh 
Than twenty times the vawue of the sum 
That he did owe him; and I *hugs tightly* knyow, >w< my uWu wowd, 
If waw, authowity, and powew, deny nyot, 
It wiww go hawd w-with poow Antonyio. 
POWTIA. Is it youw *teleports behind you* deaw *looks at you* fwiend that i-is ^-^ thus in t-twoubwe? 
BASSANyIO. The d-deawest fwiend to me, the kindest man, 
The best condition'd a-and unweawied spiwit 
In doing couwtesies; and *screams* onye in :33 whom 
T-The ancient Woman honyouw m-mowe uWu appeaws 
Than >_> any that dwaws bweath in Itawy. 
uWu POWTIA. What x3 sum owes he t-the J-Jew? 
BASSANyIO. Fow me, thwee xDD thousand d-ducats. 
POWTIA. What! nyo *blushes* mowe? 
Pay him six t-thousand, and deface the b-bond; 
Doubwe ;;w;; six thousand, and then twebwe that, 
Befowe a-a fwiend of this descwiption 
Shaww wose a haiw thwough *twerks* Bassanyio's fauwt. 
Fiwst go with m-me to chuwch a-and caww me wife, 
And then away to Venyice to OwO youw fwiend; 
Fow nyevew shaww you wie xDD by :3 Powtia's side 
With an *giggles shyly* unquiet souw. *leans over* You *shuffles closer* shaww have gowd 
To ;;w;; pay the *notices bulge* petty debt twenty times ovew. 
W-When >_< it is p-paid, bwing youw ;;w;; twue fwiend *sweats* awong. 
My maid Nyewissa and mysewf m-meantime 
Wiww w-wive as m-maids and widows. Come, away; 
*shuffles closer* Fow you shaww *cuddles you* hence upon youw *sighs* wedding day. 
Bid youw fwiends wewcome, show a mewwy cheew; 
Since *blushes* you awe deaw bought, I wiww wove you ^.^ deaw. 
But w-wet m-me heaw the wettew of youw fwiend. 
B-BASSANyIO. [Weads] '-'Sweet Bassanyio, m-my ships have aww miscawwied, 
my xDD cweditows gwow cwuew, my estate is >_< vewy wow, m-my *blushes* bond to the 
Jew is fowfeit; and since, in paying i-it, it is impossibwe I 
shouwd wive, aww d-debts awe cweaw'd between you and *sweats* I, if I might 
but see you at my death. Nyotwithstanding, use youw pweasuwe; if 
y-youw wove do nyot p-pewsuade you to c-come, wet *shuffles closer* nyot my wettew.' 
POWTIA. O wove, dispatch aww businyess x3 and be gonye! 
BASSANyIO. Since I have youw good weave to go *screams* away, 
I wiww make haste; but, tiww I-I UwU come again, 
Nyo bed s-shaww e'ew be *blushes* guiwty of *cuddles you* my stay, 
:3 Nyow west be intewposew 'twixt us twain. *sighs* Exeunt 




*pokes you* SCENyE III. 
Venyice. A stweet 

^.^ Entew S-SHYWOCK, SOWANyIO, *twerks* ANTONyIO, OwO and G-GAOWEW 

SHYWOCK. G-Gaowew, wook to him. Teww nyot me of mewcy- 
This i-is the *leans over* foow that went out *notices bulge* monyey gwatis. 
Gaowew, wook to him. 
ANTONyIO. Heaw me *pokes you* yet, good S-Shywock. 
^-^ SHYWOCK. I'ww have *giggles shyly* my bond; speak nyot against my b-bond. 
I >_> have swown an oath t-that I wiww have my bond. 
Thou caww'dst me dog befowe thou hadst ^w^ a cause, 
But, since I am a d-dog, bewawe my fangs; 
T-The Duke shaww gwant me *pokes you* justice. I do wondew, 
Thou nyaughty gaowew, t-that thou awt so fond 
To come abwoad with h-him at his wequest. 
ANTONyIO. I pway thee h-heaw m-me s-speak. 
SHYWOCK. I'ww have my *sweats* bond. I xDD wiww n-nyot heaw thee s-speak; 
I-I'ww have my bond; and thewefowe speak nyo mowe. 
I'ww nyot be made a soft and d-duww-ey'd *giggles shyly* foow, 
To *giggles shyly* shake the head, ;;w;; wewent, and sigh, and yiewd, 
T-To Chwistian intewcessows. Fowwow nyot; 
I'ww have nyo s-speaking; I-I wiww have my bond. Exit 
S-SOWANyIO. It is the most impenyetwabwe cuw 
That evew k-kept with men. 
A-ANTONyIO. Wet him awonye; 
I'ww fowwow him nyo mowe with bootwess p-pwayews. 
He s-seeks *shuffles closer* my wife; his weason weww I k-knyow: 
I *cries* oft dewivew'd fwom his *giggles shyly* fowfeituwes 
Many that have at times made moan to m-me; 
Thewefowe *sweats* he hates >w< me. 
SOWANyIO. ^-^ I uWu am suwe the *screams* Duke 
Wiww nyevew gwant this fowfeituwe to howd. 
^w^ ANTONyIO. The Duke cannyot deny t-the couwse o-of waw; 
Fow *moans* the ^w^ commodity *moans* that stwangews have 
With us in Venyice, if i-it be denyied, 
W-Wiww much impeach the justice of t-the state, 
^.^ Since that ;;w;; the twade and pwofit of the city 
Consisteth of a-aww nyations. Thewefowe, go; 
T-These g-gwiefs and wosses have xDD so bated me 
That I shaww hawdwy spawe *looks away* a pound of fwesh 
To-mowwow to my b-bwoody cweditow. 
W-Weww, gaowew, on; pway God Bassanyio come 
To s-see me p-pay h-his debt, a-and then I cawe nyot. Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Bewmont. POWTIA'S h-house 

Entew P-POWTIA, N-NyEWISSA, WOWENZO, JESSICA, and B-BAWTHASAW 

WOWENZO. Madam, awthough I speak it *looks at you* in youw pwesence, 
You have a nyobwe and a-a twue conceit 
Of godwike amity, which appeaws most :33 stwongwy 
*looks at you* In beawing thus the absence of youw wowd. 
But i-if UwU you knyew to whom you show this honyouw, 
How twue a gentweman x3 you send wewief, 
How deaw ^.^ a wovew o-of my wowd *sighs* youw husband, 
I knyow you wouwd *looks at you* be pwoudew of the w-wowk 
Than customawy bounty can enfowce y-you. 
P-POWTIA. I nyevew did wepent fow doing *notices bulge* good, 
Nyow shaww n-nyot nyow; fow in c-companyions 
T-That do convewse and *cries* waste *notices bulge* the time t-togethew, 
Whose souws do beaw an equaw yoke o-of wove, 
*twerks* Thewe m-must >w< be nyeeds a wike pwopowtion 
Of uWu winyeaments, of uWu mannyews, a-and of spiwit, 
Which makes me think that this Antonyio, 
B-Being the bosom wovew *sighs* of my wowd, 
Must x3 nyeeds be wike my wowd. If it be s-so, 
How wittwe is the cost I h-have bestowed 
*shuffles closer* In puwchasing t-the sembwance of *blushes* my *hugs tightly* souw 
Fwom *blushes* out the state of *sweats* hewwish cwuewty! 
T-This *hugs tightly* comes too nyeaw the pwaising of mysewf; 
Thewefowe, nyo mowe of it; heaw othew things. 
Wowenzo, I commit into youw hands 
The husbandwy a-and manyage of my house 
Untiw my wowd's w-wetuwn; fow minye own pawt, 
I have towawd heaven b-bweath'd a secwet vow 
To wive in p-pwayew and ^w^ contempwation, 
Onwy attended by Nyewissa hewe, 
Untiw hew husband and my wowd's wetuwn. 
Thewe *shuffles closer* is ^.^ a m-monyastewy two miwes off, 
And thewe we wiww abide. I do desiwe you 
Nyot to *hugs tightly* deny this imposition, 
T-The which my wove and s-some *cries* nyecessity 
Nyow ways upon you. 
:33 WOWENZO. Madam, w-with aww my *looks away* heawt 
I shaww obey you in an faiw commands. 
POWTIA. My peopwe do awweady knyow my mind, 
And wiww acknyowwedge you and Jessica 
In xDD pwace of Wowd Bassanyio and mysewf. 
So f-fawe you *teleports behind you* weww t-tiww we shaww meet a-again. 
WOWENZO. F-Faiw UwU thoughts and h-happy h-houws a-attend on you! 
JESSICA. I wish youw wadyship aww heawt's content. 
POWTIA. I *looks away* thank *sweats* you uWu fow youw w-wish, and am weww *twerks* pweas'd 
To wish it back on you. F-Fawe you weww, Jessica. 
Exeunt JESSICA *pokes you* and WOWENZO 
Nyow, B-Bawthasaw, 
As I have evew found thee honyest-twue, 
So w-wet me find thee stiww. Take this same ^.^ wettew, 
And u-use thou a-aww uWu th' endeavouw of a-a man 
In speed to Padua; see thou wendew this 
Into my cousin's hands, *shuffles closer* Doctow Bewwawio; 
And *sweats* wook w-what nyotes and gawments *notices bulge* he doth give thee, 
*sweats* Bwing t-them, I *sighs* pway thee, with imagin'd speed 
Unto the twaject, to the *teleports behind you* common fewwy 
Which twades to Venyice. *notices bulge* Waste nyo time in wowds, 
*giggles shyly* But get *shuffles closer* thee gonye; I shaww be thewe befowe t-thee. 
BAWTHASAW. Madam, I go with aww convenyient speed. Exit 
POWTIA. Come on, Nyewissa, I have wowk in hand 
That you y-yet knyow nyot of; we'ww see ouw husbands 
Befowe they think of us. 
NyEWISSA. Shaww they see us? 
POWTIA. They shaww, >_> Nyewissa; but in such a habit 
That they ^.^ shaww think we a-awe accompwished 
With *twerks* that we wack. I-I'ww howd thee a-any wagew, 
:33 When we awe b-both accoutwed wike y-young men, 
I'ww pwove the pwettiew *giggles shyly* fewwow of the two, 
A-And weaw my daggew w-with the bwavew gwace, 
And speak between the change of man a-and boy 
With a weed voice; and tuwn two mincing steps 
Into a manwy stwide; and speak of fways 
Wike a finye bwagging youth; and *sweats* teww quaint wies, 
How honyouwabwe wadies sought my wove, 
Which I denying, they feww *twerks* sick and died- 
I c-couwd nyot do withaw. Then I'ww w-wepent, 
And ^.^ wish fow aww that, that I-I had UwU nyot kiww'd them. 
;;w;; And twenty of these puny wies *cries* I'ww teww, 
That >w< men shaww sweaw I have discontinyued schoow 
About a twewvemonth. I have *notices bulge* within my mind 
A thousand waw t-twicks of >_> these bwagging J-Jacks, 
Which I wiww pwactise. 
NyEWISSA. Why, shaww we UwU tuwn to m-men? 
POWTIA. Fie, what a question's that, 
I-If thou wewt nyeaw a wewd intewpwetew! 
But come, I'ww teww thee aww my *looks away* whowe OwO device 
When I am in my c-coach, OwO which *looks at you* stays fow u-us 
At the pawk gate; and uWu thewefowe haste away, 
Fow we must measuwe twenty miwes to-day. Exeunt 




SCENyE V-V. 
*hugs tightly* Bewmont. The *sighs* gawden 

Entew W-WAUNCEWOT and JESSICA 

WAUNCEWOT. Yes, twuwy; fow, wook y-you, the sins of the fathew awe to 
*sweats* be waid upon UwU the chiwdwen; thewefowe, I pwomise you, I feaw *giggles shyly* you. 
I was awways pwain with you, and so nyow I speak my agitation of 
t-the mattew; thewefowe be o' good *looks away* cheew, *blushes* fow twuwy I think you awe 
^-^ damn'd. Thewe :33 is *cuddles you* but *notices bulge* onye hope in it that can do you any good, a-and 
that is but a kind of bastawd UwU hope, n-nyeithew. 
JESSICA. A-And what hope is that, *giggles shyly* I pway thee? 
WAUNCEWOT. Mawwy, ^.^ you may pawtwy hope that youw *shuffles closer* fathew got you nyot- 
that you awe nyot the Jew's ^.^ daughtew. 
JESSICA. That wewe a kind of bastawd hope i-indeed; s-so the sins of my 
mothew shouwd be visited upon me. 
WAUNCEWOT. Twuwy then I feaw *pokes you* you awe damn'd both by >_< fathew and 
m-mothew; thus when I-I s-shun :33 Scywwa, youw fathew, I faww into 
Chawybdis, youw m-mothew; weww, you awe gonye both ways. 
JESSICA. *teleports behind you* I shaww b-be sav'd by >_< my husband; he h-hath made me a 
Chwistian. 
W-WAUNCEWOT. Twuwy, the mowe t-to bwame he; we wewe ^w^ Chwistians enyow 
befowe, e'en as many as couwd uWu weww wive onye by anyothew. This 
making uWu of Chwistians wiww w-waise the pwice of hogs; if we gwow aww 
to be p-powk-eatews, we shaww nyot showtwy have a-a washew on the 
coaws fow monyey. 

Entew WOWENZO 

JESSICA. I'ww OwO teww my husband, Wauncewot, what you say; hewe h-he 
comes. 
WOWENZO. I shaww gwow jeawous *looks away* of *sighs* you showtwy, Wauncewot, if you 
thus get my wife into c-cownyews. 
JESSICA. Nyay, you nyeed nyow feaw us, Wowenzo; Wauncewot and I awe 
o-out; *shuffles closer* he tewws me fwatwy thewe's nyo mewcy fow me in heaven, 
because I-I am a Jew's daughtew; *twerks* and he says you awe *pokes you* nyo g-good membew 
of t-the *blushes* commonweawth, fow in convewting Jews to Chwistians you 
waise ^.^ the pwice UwU of powk. 
WOWENZO. I shaww answew that bettew to the commonweawth than you 
can the g-getting up of the nyegwo's bewwy; the ;;w;; Moow i-is w-with chiwd 
by you, Wauncewot. 
WAUNCEWOT. *pokes you* It is much *looks away* that ^w^ the Moow shouwd be *sighs* mowe than weason; but 
if *leans over* she be wess than an *looks away* honyest woman, *cries* she >_> is indeed mowe than I 
took hew fow. 
WOWENZO. How evewy xDD foow can :33 pway ;;w;; upon the wowd! I think the best 
gwace uWu of w-wit w-wiww showtwy tuwn into siwence, *looks away* and discouwse gwow 
commendabwe *looks at you* in nyonye onwy but pawwots. Go in, siwwah; bid them 
pwepawe *shuffles closer* fow dinnyew. 
WAUNCEWOT. That is donye, s-siw; t-they have a-aww stomachs. 
WOWENZO. Goodwy Wowd, what a w-wit-snyappew UwU awe you! :33 Then bid them 
:3 pwepawe d-dinnyew. 
W-WAUNCEWOT. That *looks at you* is donye t-too, siw, onwy 'covew' is the *pokes you* wowd. 
WOWENZO. Wiww you covew, then, s-siw? 
WAUNCEWOT. Nyot so, siw, nyeithew; I *teleports behind you* knyow my duty. 
WOWENZO. Yet m-mowe quawwewwing ^w^ with occasion! Wiwt thou show the 
whowe weawth of thy *sweats* wit in an instant? I pway *moans* thee undewstand *giggles shyly* a 
pwain m-man in his x3 pwain ^-^ meanying: go to thy fewwows, *sweats* bid them covew 
the t-tabwe, uWu sewve in the meat, and we wiww come in to dinnyew. 
WAUNCEWOT. F-Fow the tabwe, siw, it shaww be sewv'd *pokes you* in; fow the meat, 
siw, it shaww be c-covew'd; fow *cuddles you* youw coming in OwO to dinnyew, siw, why, 
wet it be *pokes you* as humouws ^.^ and conceits s-shaww govewn. 
Exit 
WOWENZO. O deaw discwetion, how *cuddles you* his w-wowds awe suited! 
*screams* The foow hath pwanted i-in his memowy 
*giggles shyly* An awmy of good wowds; and I do knyow 
A m-many foows t-that stand in bettew pwace, 
^w^ Gawnyish'd wike him, that fow a twicksy wowd 
Defy the m-mattew. How cheew'st thou, Jessica? 
And *sighs* nyow, good sweet, say thy opinyion, 
How dost thou wike the Wowd Bassanyio's wife? 
JESSICA. P-Past aww expwessing. It is UwU vewy meet 
The Wowd :33 Bassanyio wive an upwight wife, 
Fow, having such a bwessing i-in his wady, 
He finds the j-joys of *notices bulge* heaven *teleports behind you* hewe on eawth; 
A-And i-if on eawth he do nyot mewit it, 
In weason he s-shouwd nyevew come to heaven. 
*sighs* Why, i-if two g-gods s-shouwd pway some x3 heavenwy match, 
*looks at you* And on *hugs tightly* the wagew w-way two *sweats* eawthwy women, 
And Powtia onye, thewe *hugs tightly* must *notices bulge* be something ewse 
Pawn'd with the othew; fow the poow wude wowwd 
Hath nyot hew fewwow. 
WOWENZO. Even such a husband 
Hast thou of me a-as she is fow a wife. 
JESSICA. Nyay, but ask my opinyion too of *shuffles closer* that. 
WOWENZO. I wiww anyon; fiwst wet us go to dinnyew. 
JESSICA. Nyay, wet m-me pwaise you w-whiwe I have a-a stomach. 
*notices bulge* WOWENZO. Nyo, pway thee, wet it sewve fow t-tabwe-tawk; 
Then *looks at you* howsome'ew thou *looks away* speak'st, *hugs tightly* 'mong othew things 
I shaww *cries* digest it. 
JESSICA. Weww, *moans* I'ww *hugs tightly* set you f-fowth. Exeunt 




ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
Venyice. The couwt of justice 

Entew the D-DUKE, the *twerks* MAGNyIFICOES, :33 ANTONyIO, BASSANyIO, GWATIANyO, SAWEWIO, 
and OTHEWS 

DUKE OF VENyICE. What, *moans* is Antonyio hewe? 
ANTONyIO. Weady, so pwease y-youw Gwace. 
DUKE O-OF VENyICE. I am *giggles shyly* sowwy f-fow thee; thou awt come to a-answew 
A *leans over* stony advewsawy, an inhuman w-wwetch, 
Uncapabwe of p-pity, void and empty 
Fwom any dwam of mewcy. 
ANTONyIO. I have heawd 
Youw Gwace hath ta'en gweat pains to quawify 
His wigowous couwse; *looks away* but since he stands >w< obduwate, 
And that *shuffles closer* nyo wawfuw *giggles shyly* means can cawwy me 
*twerks* Out of his envy's weach, >_> I do oppose 
My p-patience to h-his fuwy, and am awm'd 
To suffew w-with a quietnyess of s-spiwit 
The vewy tywanny and wage of his. 
DUKE OF xDD VENyICE. Go onye, and caww the Jew into the couwt. 
SAWEWIO. *sweats* He i-is weady ^w^ at t-the d-doow; *looks at you* he comes, my w-wowd. 

Entew SHYWOCK 

DUKE OF VENyICE. *shuffles closer* Make woom, and wet him stand b-befowe ouw face. 
Shywock, the wowwd thinks, and I x3 think *looks at you* so too, 
That thou but weadest this fashion of thy mawice 
To the wast houw of a-act; and ^.^ then, 'tis t-thought, 
Thou'wt show thy mewcy and wemowse, mowe stwange 
Than is thy stwange appawent cwuewty; 
>w< And whewe thou nyow >_> exacts the penyawty, 
Which is a pound of this poow mewchant's fwesh, 
Thou wiwt nyot *sweats* onwy woose the fowfeituwe, 
But, touch'd with h-human gentwenyess and wove, 
Fowgive a >w< moiety of t-the pwincipaw, 
Gwancing a-an eye of pity on his wosses, 
That have of w-wate so huddwed on h-his b-back- 
Enyow to pwess a-a woyaw :3 mewchant down, 
And pwuck commisewation of his state 
Fwom bwassy bosoms and wough heawts of fwint, 
F-Fwom stubbown Tuwks and Tawtaws, nyevew twain'd 
To offices of tendew couwtesy. 
*giggles shyly* We aww *twerks* expect a gentwe *giggles shyly* answew, Jew. 
SHYWOCK. I have possess'd y-youw Gwace of what I p-puwpose, 
And by ouw *cries* howy Sabbath have *notices bulge* I swown 
To *cuddles you* have t-the *looks away* due and fowfeit of m-my bond. 
If you deny it, wet the dangew wight 
Upon youw chawtew and *screams* youw city's fweedom. 
You'ww ask me why I-I wathew >_> choose to h-have 
A weight o-of cawwion fwesh *hugs tightly* than to weceive 
Thwee thousand ducats. I-I'ww nyot a-answew that, 
But say i-it is *giggles shyly* my humouw- is it answew'd? 
What if my h-house be twoubwed with a wat, 
And I-I *hugs tightly* be pweas'd to give ten thousand ducats 
To have it ban'd? What, awe y-you answew'd yet? 
*giggles shyly* Some m-men t-thewe awe wove nyot a >_< gaping pig; 
*hugs tightly* Some that awe mad i-if uWu they behowd a-a cat; 
And othews, when :3 the xDD bagpipe sings i' th' nyose, 
Cannyot c-contain theiw u-uwinye; fow affection, 
Mistwess of passion, sways it to the mood 
Of what ^.^ it wikes ow *sweats* woathes. Nyow, fow youw *moans* answew: 
As thewe *blushes* is *twerks* nyo fiwm weason to be wend'wed 
Why he c-cannyot abide a gaping pig; 
Why he, a hawmwess nyecessawy cat; 
Why he, a woowwen *blushes* bagpipe, but of UwU fowce 
Must y-yiewd to such inyevitabwe shame 
As to offend, h-himsewf being >_> offended; 
So can *cuddles you* I give nyo weason, nyow I >_> wiww nyot, 
Mowe than a wodg'd hate and a cewtain woathing 
I beaw Antonyio, that I fowwow *moans* thus 
A *teleports behind you* wosing suit a-against him. Awe you answewed? 
BASSANyIO. This is nyo a-answew, thou unfeewing man, 
To excuse the cuwwent of thy cwuewty. 
SHYWOCK. I ^-^ am nyot bound to p-pwease thee with my answews. 
BASSANyIO. D-Do aww men kiww *shuffles closer* the things they do nyot wove? 
SHYWOCK. Hates any man the t-thing he w-wouwd nyot kiww? 
BASSANyIO. Evewy offence is nyot a hate at fiwst. 
SHYWOCK. What, wouwdst thou have a sewpent *teleports behind you* sting thee twice? 
ANTONyIO. I-I pway *teleports behind you* you, ;;w;; think you question with *sighs* the Jew. 
You may as w-weww ^w^ go :3 stand upon the beach 
And bid *shuffles closer* the main fwood bate his usuaw height; 
You may as weww *twerks* use question *sighs* with the wowf, 
W-Why he :3 hath made the ewe bweat fow the wamb; 
You may *sweats* as *notices bulge* weww fowbid the mountain pinyes 
To wag theiw high tops and to make nyo nyoise 
When they awe fwetten with the gusts of heaven; 
You ^-^ may as weww do a-anything *pokes you* most hawd 
As seek to s-soften ^.^ that- than which what's *notices bulge* hawdew?- 
His jewish heawt. Thewefowe, I-I do beseech you, 
*pokes you* Make nyo moe o-offews, use nyo fawthew *looks away* means, 
But with aww bwief and pwain convenyiency 
Wet me have *sweats* judgment, and the >_> Jew :33 his w-wiww. 
BASSANyIO. F-Fow thy thwee thousand ducats *moans* hewe is six. 
SHYWOCK. If evewy ducat in x3 six thousand ducats 
W-Wewe i-in six pawts, and evewy pawt a ducat, 
^w^ I wouwd nyot dwaw them; I wouwd have my bond. 
*screams* DUKE OF VENyICE. How *pokes you* shawt thou hope f-fow >_< mewcy, *cries* wend'wing nyonye? 
SHYWOCK. What judgment shaww I dwead, doing nyo wwong? 
You have among you many a puwchas'd s-swave, 
Which, fike youw asses and youw *sweats* dogs x3 and uWu muwes, 
You *sighs* use in abject and in swavish p-pawts, 
Because you bought them; shaww I s-say to y-you 
'-'Wet t-them xDD be fwee, mawwy t-them to youw heiws- 
Why sweat they ;;w;; undew buwdens?- wet theiw beds 
Be m-made a-as soft a-as :3 youws, and wet theiw *moans* pawates 
Be season'd ^.^ with *sighs* such viands'? x3 You *blushes* wiww ^w^ answew 
'The swaves a-awe ouws.' So *hugs tightly* do I-I answew you: 
T-The pound of fwesh *twerks* which I demand of him 
Is deawwy bought, 'tis minye, a-and I wiww have it. 
If you uWu deny me, >_> fie upon youw waw! 
Thewe is nyo fowce in the decwees of Venyice. 
I stand fow j-judgment; :3 answew; s-shaww I have it? 
DUKE O-OF VENyICE. Upon my powew I-I >_> may *hugs tightly* dismiss t-this couwt, 
Unwess Bewwawio, a w-weawnyed *twerks* doctow, 
Whom I have sent fow to detewminye this, 
Come hewe to-day. 
SAWEWIO. My wowd, hewe stays without 
A m-messengew with wettews fwom the doctow, 
N-Nyew come fwom Padua. 
*twerks* DUKE OF VENyICE. B-Bwing *looks away* us t-the wettews; caww the messengew. 
BASSANyIO. Good *looks at you* cheew, Antonyio! W-What, x3 man, couwage yet! 
The Jew shaww *cuddles you* have my fwesh, bwood, bonyes, and aww, 
Ewe thou shawt wose UwU fow m-me onye dwop of bwood. 
^w^ ANTONyIO. *pokes you* I am a tainted :33 wethew o-of ^w^ the f-fwock, 
>_> Meetest fow death; the weakest kind of fwuit 
Dwops eawwiest >_< to the gwound, and so wet me. 
You ;;w;; cannyot bettew be empwoy'd, Bassanyio, 
T-Than to wive stiww, and wwite minye epitaph. 

Entew NyEWISSA dwessed wike a *leans over* wawyew's cwewk 

DUKE O-OF ;;w;; VENyICE. *screams* Came you fwom Padua, fwom Bewwawio? 
NyEWISSA. Fwom both, my wowd. Bewwawio gweets youw Gwace. 
[Pwesents a wettew] 
BASSANyIO. W-Why dost >w< thou whet t-thy knyife so e-eawnyestwy? 
S-SHYWOCK. ^-^ To c-cut t-the fowfeituwe fwom that bankwupt ^w^ thewe. 
*hugs tightly* GWATIANyO. Nyot on thy sowe, but on thy souw, hawsh Jew, 
Thou mak'st thy knyife keen; but nyo metaw can, 
N-Nyo, nyot the hangman's axe, beaw hawf the keennyess 
O-Of thy shawp envy. Can nyo p-pwayews p-piewce >_< thee? 
SHYWOCK. Nyo, nyonye that thou *looks at you* hast wit enyough t-to make. 
GWATIANyO. O-O, *shuffles closer* be thou damn'd, inyexecwabwe *pokes you* dog! 
A-And fow thy OwO wife wet uWu justice be accus'd. 
Thou awmost mak'st me wavew in my faith, 
T-To howd uWu opinyion with P-Pythagowas 
That souws of anyimaws infuse t-themsewves 
Into the twunks xDD of men. Thy cuwwish *twerks* spiwit 
Govewn'd a wowf *teleports behind you* who, hang'd fow h-human swaughtew, 
Even fwom the gawwows did his f-feww souw fweet, 
*twerks* And, whiwst thou wayest *screams* in thy OwO unhawwowed ^w^ dam, 
*looks away* Infus'd itsewf in thee; fow thy desiwes 
Awe *giggles shyly* wowfish, bwoody, stawv'd a-and wavenyous. 
SHYWOCK. T-Tiww *moans* thou c-canst waiw the s-seaw f-fwom off my bond, 
T-Thou but offend'st OwO thy wungs to speak s-so w-woud; 
*leans over* Wepaiw thy wit, good youth, ow it wiww faww 
To cuwewess wuin. I-I stand h-hewe fow waw. 
DUKE OF >_< VENyICE. This w-wettew fwom B-Bewwawio doth commend 
A young and weawnyed doctow to o-ouw couwt. 
*notices bulge* Whewe is he? 
NyEWISSA. *looks at you* He a-attendeth h-hewe hawd by 
To *cuddles you* knyow *looks at you* youw answew, whethew you'ww admit him. 
DUKE OF VENyICE. With aww my heawt. Some thwee ow fouw ^-^ of you 
Go give h-him couwteous c-conduct :3 to this pwace. 
Meantime, *blushes* the c-couwt shaww heaw Bewwawio's wettew. 
C-CWEWK. [Weads] 'Youw Gwace x3 shaww undewstand that at the weceipt 
of y-youw wettew I am UwU vewy uWu sick; but i-in the i-instant that *sighs* youw 
messengew came, in woving visitation was with me a young doctow 
o-of Wome- his nyame >_< is Bawthazaw. I acquainted him w-with the cause 
*notices bulge* in contwovewsy between the *cries* Jew and Antonyio the mewchant; OwO we 
tuwn'd o'ew many books togethew; h-he is fuwnyished with m-my opinyion 
which, bettewed with his own weawnying-the gweatnyess wheweof I 
cannyot enyough commend- comes *shuffles closer* with him *moans* at *moans* my i-impowtunyity to fiww 
up youw Gwace's wequest in my ^.^ stead. I beseech you wet his wack 
of yeaws be n-nyo UwU impediment t-to wet him wack a wevewend e-estimation, 
f-fow I-I nyevew *moans* knyew so young a body xDD with so owd a head. I weave *hugs tightly* him 
to youw gwacious acceptance, *shuffles closer* whose twiaw *moans* shaww bettew pubwish xDD his 
commendation.' 

*hugs tightly* Entew POWTIA fow B-BAWTHAZAW, dwessed wike a Doctow of Waws 

DUKE OF VENyICE. YOU heaw the weawn'd *sighs* Bewwawio, what he wwites; 
^-^ And hewe, I take it, :3 is the doctow come. 
Give me youw hand; come you *shuffles closer* fwom owd OwO Bewwawio? 
POWTIA. I did, my wowd. 
DUKE OF VENyICE. You awe xDD wewcome; take youw pwace. 
Awe you acquainted with the diffewence 
That *moans* howds this pwesent question *screams* in the xDD couwt? 
xDD POWTIA. I am infowmed thwoughwy of the cause. 
OwO Which is the mewchant hewe, and which t-the Jew? 
DUKE x3 OF VENyICE. Antonyio and owd xDD Shywock, both s-stand fowth. 
POWTIA. Is youw nyame Shywock? 
*teleports behind you* SHYWOCK. S-Shywock is my nyame. 
POWTIA. Of a stwange nyatuwe is the suit you fowwow; 
Yet in such wuwe that the *shuffles closer* Venyetian xDD waw 
*cries* Cannyot impugn y-you as you do pwoceed. 
You stand within his dangew, do you nyot? 
ANTONyIO. Ay, s-so he *leans over* says. 
POWTIA. D-Do you confess the *giggles shyly* bond? 
ANTONyIO. I d-do. 
POWTIA. Then must the Jew be mewcifuw. 
SHYWOCK. O-On what compuwsion must I? Teww *giggles shyly* me that. 
POWTIA. x3 The quawity of mewcy is *hugs tightly* nyot stwain'd; 
It dwoppeth a-as the gentwe wain fwom heaven 
Upon t-the pwace benyeath. It is twice bwest: 
It b-bwesseth him that gives and him t-that t-takes. 
'Tis m-mightiest in the mightiest; it becomes 
The >_< thwonyed *teleports behind you* monyawch bettew than his cwown; 
His UwU sceptwe shows the fowce of UwU tempowaw powew, 
The attwibute to awe a-and ^.^ majesty, 
Whewein doth sit ^.^ the dwead and feaw *sweats* of kings; 
But ^-^ mewcy is above this sceptwed :3 sway, 
It is enthwonyed in t-the heawts of kings, 
It is an attwibute to God himsewf; 
And eawthwy powew doth t-then show wikest God's 
*screams* When mewcy seasons j-justice. *giggles shyly* Thewefowe, Jew, 
Though j-justice be t-thy pwea, considew this- 
That in the couwse of justice nyonye *cries* of us 
Shouwd see sawvation; we do pway *hugs tightly* fow mewcy, 
And that same pwayew doth teach u-us aww to wendew 
The deeds of mewcy. I have spoke thus much 
To mitigate the justice of thy p-pwea, 
Which *notices bulge* if thou fowwow, this stwict *giggles shyly* couwt of Venyice 
Must nyeeds give sentence 'gainst the mewchant thewe. 
SHYWOCK. My deeds upon my head! I cwave *sighs* the ^.^ waw, 
T-The penyawty *giggles shyly* and f-fowfeit of my bond. 
*leans over* BASSANyIO. UwU Yes; hewe *leans over* I tendew it fow him i-in the c-couwt; 
*sweats* Yea, twice the sum; *giggles shyly* if that wiww nyot suffice, 
I wiww be bound t-to pay it ten times o'ew 
On fowfeit o-of my hands, my head, my heawt; 
If this wiww nyot suffice, it must xDD appeaw 
That m-mawice beaws down twuth. And, I beseech *notices bulge* you, 
Wwest once the *leans over* waw to y-youw authowity; 
To do a gweat *sweats* wight do a wittwe wwong, 
And ;;w;; cuwb this *twerks* cwuew deviw :3 of his *leans over* wiww. 
POWTIA. I-It m-must nyot be; thewe is nyo *screams* powew in Venyice 
*pokes you* Can awtew a decwee estabwished; 
'Twiww be wecowded fow a pwecedent, 
And m-many an ewwow, by the same *shuffles closer* exampwe, 
Wiww *sweats* wush into >_< the state; it cannyot be. 
*leans over* SHYWOCK. A Danyiew >_> come to judgment! Yea, a Danyiew! 
O wise young judge, how I-I do *cries* honyouw thee! 
POWTIA. I pway you, wet me wook upon the bond. 
*cries* SHYWOCK. H-Hewe '-'tis, m-most wevewend Doctow; hewe it is. 
:33 POWTIA. Shywock, thewe's :33 thwice thy monyey o-off'wed thee. 
SHYWOCK. An oath, a-an oath! I h-have an oath in heaven. 
Shaww I way pewjuwy u-upon >_< my souw? 
Nyo, n-nyot fow Venyice. 
POWTIA. Why, this bond is fowfeit; 
And *sweats* wawfuwwy by this *giggles shyly* the Jew *screams* may cwaim 
A-A pound of fwesh, t-to be by him c-cut off 
Nyeawest *twerks* the mewchant's heawt. B-Be mewcifuw. 
Take thwice thy monyey; b-bid me teaw the bond. 
SHYWOCK. When it is p-paid accowding to the t-tenyouw. 
It doth appeaw you a-awe *screams* a uWu wowthy *pokes you* judge; 
You knyow the waw; youw e-exposition 
Hath been m-most sound; I chawge you by the waw, 
Wheweof you awe a weww-desewving piwwaw, 
*notices bulge* Pwoceed to judgment. By my souw I sweaw 
Thewe is nyo p-powew in the tongue o-of man 
To *hugs tightly* awtew me. I stay hewe on my bond. 
^w^ ANTONyIO. Most heawtiwy I do *twerks* beseech t-the couwt 
To give the *pokes you* judgment. 
UwU POWTIA. W-Why then, thus *shuffles closer* it is: 
You must *sweats* pwepawe youw *notices bulge* bosom fow his knyife. 
SHYWOCK. O nyobwe judge! O-O excewwent y-young *sighs* man! 
POWTIA. Fow the i-intent and puwpose of t-the waw 
Hath f-fuww wewation x3 to the p-penyawty, 
Which hewe appeaweth due u-upon the bond. 
SHYWOCK. 'Tis *looks away* vewy twue. O-O wise >_> and u-upwight ^-^ judge, 
*leans over* How much m-mowe ewdew awt *pokes you* thou than thy *sweats* wooks! 
POWTIA. Thewefowe, way *shuffles closer* bawe y-youw bosom. 
SHYWOCK. Ay, his *moans* bweast- 
So says the *moans* bond; doth it nyot, nyobwe :33 judge? 
*blushes* 'Nyeawest *sighs* his heawt,' those ^w^ awe the *blushes* vewy w-wowds. 
UwU POWTIA. It is so. Awe thewe bawance hewe to weigh 
The fwesh? 
SHYWOCK. I have them weady. 
uWu POWTIA. Have by s-some suwgeon, Shywock, on youw c-chawge, 
To stop h-his wounds, west h-he do bweed to death. 
SHYWOCK. Is *hugs tightly* it so nyominyated in the b-bond? 
POWTIA. It is nyot so expwess'd, b-but what of t-that? 
'-'Twewe good you do so *leans over* much fow chawity. 
SHYWOCK. I cannyot find i-it; ^w^ 'tis >_< nyot in t-the bond. 
POWTIA. You, mewchant, have you anything to say? 
ANTONyIO. But wittwe: I am awm'd a-and *twerks* weww pwepaw'd. 
Give me youw hand, Bassanyio; fawe you weww. 
Gwieve *sighs* nyot that I-I *hugs tightly* am faww'n *blushes* to *moans* this fow you, 
F-Fow hewein Fowtunye shows hewsewf mowe k-kind 
Than is hew :33 custom. It is s-stiww h-hew use 
To wet t-the wwetched >_> man outwive h-his weawth, 
T-To view with ^-^ howwow eye and *notices bulge* wwinkwed bwow 
An age of p-povewty; fwom which wing'wing *cuddles you* penyance 
Of *giggles shyly* such misewy doth UwU she cut me off. 
Commend *cuddles you* me to youw honyouwabwe wife; 
Teww hew the pwocess of Antonyio's end; 
Say how I wov'd you; s-speak me *shuffles closer* faiw in *cuddles you* death; 
A-And, when the tawe is towd, bid hew be judge 
Whethew Bassanyio *sweats* had *shuffles closer* nyot once a w-wove. 
W-Wepent but you that you s-shaww wose youw fwiend, 
And h-he *leans over* wepents nyot that he pays youw d-debt; 
Fow if the Jew do OwO cut but deep enyough, 
*moans* I'ww pay >_< it instantwy with aww my heawt. 
BASSANyIO. A-Antonyio, I ^-^ am mawwied to a *cries* wife 
*hugs tightly* Which is as deaw to me as :3 wife i-itsewf; 
But wife i-itsewf, my wife, and *cries* aww ^w^ the wowwd, 
Awe nyot w-with me esteem'd above thy wife; 
I wouwd wose a-aww, ay, *giggles shyly* sacwifice them a-aww 
Hewe t-to this deviw, t-to dewivew you. 
POWTIA. Youw wife >_< wouwd *notices bulge* give you wittwe thanks *hugs tightly* fow that, 
If she wewe by to heaw you make the offew. 
GWATIANyO. I h-have a wife who I pwotest I >_> wove; 
I wouwd she wewe *blushes* in heaven, so she >w< couwd 
Entweat *notices bulge* some powew >_< to :3 change this cuwwish Jew. 
NyEWISSA. 'Tis weww *pokes you* you offew it behind hew back; 
*teleports behind you* The wish wouwd m-make :33 ewse an u-unquiet ^w^ house. 
SHYWOCK. [Aside] These be *teleports behind you* the Chwistian husbands! I-I have a 
daughtew- 
W-Wouwd any of the stock of Bawwabas 
Had been hew h-husband, w-wathew than a Chwistian!- 
>w< We twifwe t-time; I pway thee puwsue sentence. 
POWTIA. A pound of t-that same mewchant's ^w^ fwesh is thinye. 
The c-couwt *pokes you* awawds i-it and the waw doth give it. 
SHYWOCK. Most w-wightfuw judge! 
P-POWTIA. And you must cut t-this fwesh fwom off his b-bweast. 
The waw awwows it a-and the couwt awawds it. 
SHYWOCK. Most weawnyed *moans* judge! A sentence! C-Come, pwepawe. 
POWTIA. Tawwy *sweats* a wittwe; thewe is something ewse. 
This bond doth give thee hewe *moans* nyo jot of bwood: 
The xDD wowds *twerks* expwesswy *blushes* awe 'a pound o-of f-fwesh.' 
Take then thy bond, take thou :33 thy pound of f-fwesh; 
But, in the c-cutting it, if thou dost shed 
Onye dwop of Chwistian bwood, thy wands and goods 
A-Awe, by t-the waws of Venyice, ^.^ confiscate 
*cries* Unto the state of Venyice. 
GWATIANyO. OwO O upwight judge! *hugs tightly* Mawk, Jew. O *sighs* weawnyed judge! 
SHYWOCK. Is that the waw? 
^.^ POWTIA. *twerks* Thysewf shawt see the act; 
Fow, as thou uwgest j-justice, be a-assuw'd 
Thou shawt have justice, mowe than thou desiw'st. 
GWATIANyO. O weawnyed judge! M-Mawk, Jew. A weawnyed >w< judge! 
SHYWOCK. I take this offew then: pay the bond thwice, 
A-And wet the Chwistian go. 
^.^ BASSANyIO. Hewe is the monyey. 
POWTIA. Soft! 
T-The Jew shaww h-have aww justice. Soft! Nyo haste. 
He shaww have nyothing b-but the *screams* penyawty. 
G-GWATIANyO. O Jew! an upwight judge, a weawnyed judge! 
POWTIA. Thewefowe, *twerks* pwepawe *twerks* thee to cut off the fwesh. 
Shed thou *blushes* nyo bwood, nyow cut thou wess nyow :33 mowe 
But just a pound of fwesh; if thou t-tak'st mowe 
Ow wess t-than a just p-pound- be it but so much 
As makes x3 it wight ow heavy in UwU the substance, 
O-Ow the division *cuddles you* of the twentieth pawt 
Of :33 onye poow scwupwe; nyay, if *moans* the scawe do tuwn 
But *leans over* in the estimation of a-a haiw- 
*leans over* Thou diest, and aww thy goods *twerks* awe *shuffles closer* confiscate. 
GWATIANyO. A second Danyiew, a D-Danyiew, J-Jew! 
Nyow, infidew, I-I *looks away* have you on the hip. 
*pokes you* POWTIA. Why doth ^w^ the Jew pause? Take thy fowfeituwe. 
SHYWOCK. G-Give me >w< my *giggles shyly* pwincipaw, a-and wet me go. 
*hugs tightly* BASSANyIO. *leans over* I h-have it weady fow thee; *looks at you* hewe it is. 
POWTIA. He hath wefus'd it i-in the open *twerks* couwt; 
He *looks at you* shaww have mewewy j-justice, and his bond. 
GWATIANyO. A Danyiew stiww say I, a second D-Danyiew! 
I thank thee, Jew, fow teaching *cuddles you* me that wowd. 
SHYWOCK. Shaww I nyot have bawewy my pwincipaw? 
POWTIA. Thou shawt h-have nyothing but *screams* the fowfeituwe 
To be so taken at t-thy pewiw, Jew. 
SHYWOCK. Why, then the d-deviw uWu give h-him good o-of i-it! 
I'ww stay nyo wongew question. 
POWTIA. Tawwy, Jew. 
The *teleports behind you* waw ;;w;; hath *moans* yet anyothew howd on you. 
*looks at you* It is enyacted in the waws of V-Venyice, 
If :33 it *screams* be pwoved >_< against an awien 
That *pokes you* by diwect o-ow indiwect attempts 
H-He seek the wife of any citizen, 
The p-pawty 'gainst the which :33 he *twerks* doth contwive 
Shaww :33 seize o-onye h-hawf his goods; the othew hawf 
Comes to the pwivy coffew of t-the ^.^ state; 
And t-the offendew's wife wies in the mewcy 
O-Of the Duke onwy, 'gainst aww othew voice. 
*teleports behind you* In w-which pwedicament, I say, t-thou x3 stand'st; 
*leans over* Fow UwU it appeaws by x3 manyifest pwoceeding 
That i-indiwectwy, *moans* and diwectwy too, 
Thou hast *giggles shyly* contwived against the *hugs tightly* vewy wife 
Of the defendant; a-and *blushes* thou hast i-incuww'd 
The dangew *blushes* fowmewwy by me weheaws'd. 
*notices bulge* Down, thewefowe, and beg mewcy of the Duke. 
GWATIANyO. Beg t-that thou mayst have weave to hang thysewf; 
And yet, thy weawth *giggles shyly* being fowfeit xDD to the *blushes* state, 
OwO Thou hast nyot weft the vawue of a *teleports behind you* cowd; 
Thewefowe thou m-must xDD be hang'd at the state's chawge. 
DUKE OF V-VENyICE. That thou shawt see the *looks away* diffewence o-of ouw spiwit, 
I pawdon thee *teleports behind you* thy wife befowe thou ask it. 
*hugs tightly* Fow hawf thy weawth, it is Antonyio's; 
The *cries* othew hawf comes to the genyewaw :33 state, 
Which h-humbwenyess may dwive unto a finye. 
POWTIA. Ay, fow the *hugs tightly* state; nyot fow Antonyio. 
SHYWOCK. Nyay, t-take my wife and aww, pawdon nyot that. 
Y-You take my house *notices bulge* when you do take :3 the pwop 
That doth sustain my house; you *teleports behind you* take my *looks away* wife 
When y-you ^w^ do take t-the means wheweby I wive. 
POWTIA. What mewcy can :33 you wendew him, Antonyio? 
GWATIANyO. A hawtew gwatis; nyothing ewse, fow God's sake! 
ANTONyIO. So ;;w;; pwease *blushes* my wowd the Duke and aww >_< the couwt 
To q-quit the finye fow onye h-hawf xDD of his goods; 
I *twerks* am content, ;;w;; so *sweats* he wiww wet me h-have 
The othew hawf in use, to wendew >_> it 
Upon his d-death unto the gentweman 
That watewy stowe his daughtew- 
Two things p-pwovided mowe; that, fow this favouw, 
He pwesentwy become a *twerks* Chwistian; 
The othew, OwO that he do wecowd a gift, 
Hewe *looks away* in :3 the couwt, of aww he dies possess'd 
Unto his son Wowenzo and his daughtew. 
*notices bulge* DUKE OF VENyICE. H-He shaww do this, ow ewse I do *moans* wecant 
The :3 pawdon that I wate pwonyounced hewe. 
POWTIA. Awt thou contented, Jew? *cuddles you* What dost thou say? 
SHYWOCK. I am c-content. 
POWTIA. Cwewk, dwaw a deed of gift. 
UwU SHYWOCK. I pway you, give me weave to g-go fwom hence; 
I am nyot weww; send the deed aftew *blushes* me 
And I *looks away* wiww sign it. 
DUKE *cries* OF VENyICE. Get thee gonye, but do i-it. 
GWATIANyO. In chwist'nying shawt thou have two god-fathews; 
Had I been judge, UwU thou shouwdst >w< have had ten mowe, 
*looks at you* To bwing ^-^ thee to the gawwows, *twerks* nyot to the font. 
Exit SHYWOCK 
DUKE OF VENyICE. Siw, I entweat you home *teleports behind you* with me to dinnyew. 
POWTIA. I humbwy do desiwe youw Gwace of pawdon; 
I must away this nyight towawd Padua, 
And it is meet x3 I p-pwesentwy set f-fowth. 
DUKE OF *teleports behind you* VENyICE. I-I am sowwy that youw weisuwe sewves you n-nyot. 
A-Antonyio, g-gwatify this gentweman, 
:33 Fow in my mind y-you awe m-much bound to him. 
Exeunt DUKE, MAGNyIFICOES, and twain 
BASSANyIO. Most wowthy *leans over* gentweman, I-I and my fwiend 
Have by youw wisdom been this day *notices bulge* acquitted 
O-Of gwievous penyawties; in wieu wheweof 
Thwee thousand ducats, due unto >w< the Jew, 
We fweewy cope youw c-couwteous pains withaw. 
ANTONyIO. And stand indebted, ovew and above, 
*sighs* In :3 wove and sewvice to you evewmowe. 
POWTIA. He is weww paid that is >_< weww satisfied, 
And I-I, dewivewing you, xDD am satisfied, 
And thewein do a-account mysewf OwO weww paid. 
My *pokes you* mind ^-^ was nyevew yet mowe mewcenyawy. 
I pway *looks away* you, knyow me when we meet again; 
I wish you weww, and so I take my weave. 
BASSANyIO. Deaw s-siw, *looks at you* of fowce I must attempt you OwO fuwthew; 
>w< Take some wemembwance :3 of us, as OwO a t-twibute, 
Nyot as fee. G-Gwant me two things, I pway y-you, 
Nyot to deny me, and to pawdon me. 
*screams* POWTIA. You pwess *screams* me faw, and thewefowe I wiww yiewd. 
^w^ [To ANTONyIO] G-Give me uWu youw gwoves, I'ww weaw them fow youw sake. 
[To BASSANyIO] And, fow *looks away* youw w-wove, I'ww take this wing fwom y-you. 
*giggles shyly* Do nyot dwaw back youw hand; I'ww take nyo mowe, 
And you i-in *looks away* wove shaww nyot deny m-me t-this. 
BASSANyIO. This wing, good *looks at you* siw- a-awas, it is a twifwe; 
*looks at you* I wiww nyot shame mysewf to give *moans* you this. 
POWTIA. I wiww have nyothing ewse but *looks away* onwy this; 
And nyow, methinks, I have a mind to it. 
BASSANyIO.. Thewe's mowe ^w^ depends on this than on the vawue. 
The deawest wing in Venyice wiww I give you, 
And find it out by pwocwamation; 
Onwy fow this, I pway *cries* you, pawdon m-me. 
POWTIA. I see, siw, you OwO awe wibewaw in o-offews; 
You taught me fiwst to beg, and nyow, methinks, 
You t-teach me how a beggaw shouwd be a-answew'd. 
BASSANyIO. Good siw, this wing was given uWu me *cuddles you* by my wife; 
*teleports behind you* And, when she put it o-on, she made *cuddles you* me v-vow 
That *looks at you* I shouwd >_> nyeithew seww, n-nyow give, *notices bulge* nyow wose it. 
POWTIA. T-That 'scuse sewves ^w^ many m-men t-to save *looks at you* theiw g-gifts. 
And if youw wife be nyot a m-mad woman, 
And knyow how weww *teleports behind you* I have desewv'd this :3 wing, 
>_< She wouwd nyot howd out enyemy fow e-evew 
Fow giving it to *shuffles closer* me. Weww, p-peace be ^w^ with you! 
Exeunt POWTIA and N-NyEWISSA 
*sweats* ANTONyIO. My Wowd Bassanyio, wet him h-have the wing. 
Wet h-his desewvings, and my wove withaw, 
Be *sweats* vawued 'gainst youw wife's commandment. 
BASSANyIO. Go, Gwatianyo, wun and ovewtake him; 
Give him the wing, and bwing him, i-if *sweats* thou canst, 
Unto Antonyio's house. ^w^ Away, make haste. Exit *blushes* GWATIANyO 
Come, you and *notices bulge* I wiww thithew pwesentwy; 
A-And in the *blushes* mownying eawwy wiww we both 
Fwy towawd Bewmont. >w< Come, Antonyio. Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Venyice. A s-stweet 

^-^ Entew *notices bulge* POWTIA and NyEWISSA 

POWTIA. *notices bulge* Inquiwe t-the *hugs tightly* Jew's house out, give him this deed, 
*twerks* And *cuddles you* wet ^w^ him s-sign it; we'ww away tonyight, 
And be a day b-befowe ouw h-husbands home. 
This deed w-wiww be *pokes you* weww wewcome to Wowenzo. 

Entew GWATIANyO 

GWATIANyO. Faiw siw, you awe weww o-o'ewta'en. 
My *giggles shyly* Wowd Bassanyio, upon mowe OwO advice, 
Hath sent y-you h-hewe t-this wing, a-and doth entweat 
*shuffles closer* Youw company at dinnyew. 
POWTIA. That cannyot be. 
His wing >w< I do accept most thankfuwwy, 
And so, I-I pway you, teww him. F-Fuwthewmowe, 
OwO I p-pway you show my youth owd S-Shywock's house. 
GWATIANyO. That wiww I do. 
NyEWISSA. Siw, I wouwd speak with you. 
[Aside to POWTIA] I'ww See if I can get my husband's wing, 
Which I did make him sweaw to keep ^-^ fow evew. 
POWTIA. [To NyEWISSA] Thou Mayst, I wawwant. We shaww have o-owd 
sweawing 
That *leans over* they d-did give the wings away t-to men; 
But we'ww outface *pokes you* them, and outsweaw them too. 
[Awoud] Away, make haste, thou knyow'st whewe I wiww tawwy. 
NyEWISSA. C-Come, *pokes you* good siw, wiww you show me t-to this house? 
Exeunt 




OwO ACT V. SCENyE I. 
Bewmont. The gawden befowe POWTIA'S house 

E-Entew WOWENZO >_> and JESSICA 

WOWENZO. The m-moon shinyes *moans* bwight. In s-such a nyight as this, 
When the sweet wind did gentwy kiss the twees, 
*sighs* And they did make *teleports behind you* nyo nyoise- in such a nyight, 
Twoiwus methinks m-mounted the Twoyan w-wawws, 
And sigh'd his souw towawd *screams* the *hugs tightly* Gwecian tents, 
Whewe Cwessid way that nyight. 
JESSICA. I-In s-such a nyight 
Did T-Thisby f-feawfuwwy o'ewtwip the dew, 
And saw the >_< wion's shadow ewe himsewf, 
And wan dismayed away. 
WOWENZO. In such a-a n-nyight 
Stood D-Dido with a wiwwow in hew hand 
Upon the wiwd sea-banks, *twerks* and waft hew wove 
To come a-again to Cawthage. 
JESSICA. I-In such a nyight 
Medea gathewed the enchanted :3 hewbs 
That did *looks away* wenyew owd AEson. 
W-WOWENZO. In such a nyight 
Did Jessica steaw fwom the weawthy Jew, 
And with an unthwift wove d-did wun fwom Venyice 
*screams* As faw as Bewmont. 
JESSICA. xDD In such >w< a n-nyight 
Did young Wowenzo uWu sweaw he wov'd hew weww, 
Steawing hew souw with many *hugs tightly* vows of faith, 
And nye'ew a twue onye. 
WOWENZO. In such a nyight 
Did pwetty Jessica, wike a wittwe shwew, 
Swandew hew wove, and he fowgave it hew. 
JESSICA. I-I wouwd o-out-nyight *twerks* you, did nyo b-body come; 
But, *giggles shyly* hawk, I heaw the footing OwO of a man. 

Entew S-STEPHANyO 

WOWENZO. *twerks* Who comes so fast in siwence of the n-nyight? 
*cuddles you* STEPHANyO. A fwiend. 
WOWENZO. A fwiend! What fwiend? Youw nyame, I pway you, fwiend? 
STEPHANyO. Stephanyo is my nyame, and I-I b-bwing wowd 
My *cuddles you* mistwess wiww befowe the bweak *teleports behind you* of day 
Be hewe xDD at Bewmont; she doth stway about 
By *screams* howy cwosses, whewe she *shuffles closer* knyeews and pways 
*notices bulge* Fow happy wedwock houws. 
WOWENZO. Who comes with ;;w;; hew? 
STEPHANyO. Nyonye but a-a howy h-hewmit *cries* and hew maid. 
I p-pway you, is *shuffles closer* my mastew yet wetuwn'd? 
*looks at you* WOWENZO. He is *teleports behind you* nyot, nyow we h-have n-nyot heawd fwom him. 
But go we in, I pway t-thee, Jessica, 
And cewemonyiouswy wet us p-pwepawe 
Some wewcome fow the m-mistwess of *moans* the house. 

Entew WAUNCEWOT 

WAUNCEWOT. Sowa, sowa! wo h-ha, ho! sowa, sowa! 
WOWENZO. Who cawws? 
WAUNCEWOT. Sowa! Did you see Mastew Wowenzo? Mastew Wowenzo! Sowa, 
sowa! 
WOWENZO. Weave *blushes* howwoaing, man. Hewe! 
WAUNCEWOT. S-Sowa! Whewe, whewe? 
WOWENZO. >_> Hewe! 
WAUNCEWOT. Teww him thewe's a post xDD come fwom my *leans over* mastew with his 
h-hown fuww of good *teleports behind you* nyews; my mastew wiww be hewe ewe mownying. 
Exit 
WOWENZO. Sweet *sighs* souw, wet's in, and t-thewe expect theiw coming. 
And *giggles shyly* yet nyo mattew- why s-shouwd w-we go in? 
:33 My fwiend *cries* Stephanyo, s-signyify, I pway you, 
W-Within t-the house, youw mistwess is at hand; 
And bwing youw music fowth into the >w< aiw. Exit STEPHANyO 
How sweet the moonwight sweeps upon this >_> bank! 
Hewe wiww we sit and wet the sounds o-of music 
Cweep i-in UwU ouw uWu eaws; soft stiwwnyess and the nyight 
Become the touches of sweet h-hawmony. 
S-Sit, :33 Jessica. Wook h-how the fwoow of heaven 
Is thick *hugs tightly* inwaid with patinyes of bwight *notices bulge* gowd; 
Thewe's nyot the smawwest owb which thou behowd'st 
But in his motion wike an a-angew sings, 
Stiww quiwing to t-the young-ey'd chewubins; 
Such hawmony i-is in *looks away* immowtaw souws, 
But whiwst this muddy vestuwe of decay 
Doth gwosswy >_< cwose i-it i-in, we cannyot h-heaw it. 

*looks at you* Entew M-MUSICIANS 

*twerks* Come, ho, a-and xDD wake Dianya with a hymn; 
With sweetest touches piewce youw mistwess' eaw. 
And dwaw hew home with music. *looks at you* [Music] 
JESSICA. I a-am nyevew mewwy when I h-heaw sweet music. 
WOWENZO. *cries* The *shuffles closer* weason is youw spiwits a-awe attentive; 
Fow do but nyote a wiwd and wanton hewd, 
Ow wace of youthfuw and *blushes* unhandwed cowts, 
Fetching mad bounds, uWu bewwowing a-and nyeighing woud, 
Which i-is the hot c-condition of theiw *cuddles you* bwood- 
If they but heaw p-pewchance a >w< twumpet sound, 
Ow any a-aiw of music *pokes you* touch theiw eaws, 
You shaww pewceive them *pokes you* make a *giggles shyly* mutuaw stand, 
T-Theiw savage eyes tuwn'd to a modest gaze 
By the sweet powew of music. T-Thewefowe the *looks at you* poet 
Did feign that Owpheus d-dwew twees, stonyes, and fwoods; 
Since nyought so stockish, h-hawd, and fuww xDD of wage, 
But music fow the t-time doth c-change his nyatuwe. 
*teleports behind you* The *screams* man that hath *twerks* nyo music in himsewf, 
Nyow is nyot mov'd with :33 concowd o-of sweet sounds, 
Is fit f-fow tweasons, stwatagems, and spoiws; 
T-The m-motions of his spiwit *teleports behind you* awe duww:as *screams* nyight, 
*giggles shyly* And his affections dawk as Ewebus. 
Wet *looks at you* nyo such man be twusted. Mawk the music. 

Entew POWTIA *pokes you* and NyEWISSA 

POWTIA. That w-wight we see is buwnying in my haww. 
How OwO faw that w-wittwe candwe thwows his beams! 
So *looks away* shinyes a good deed in a-a nyaughty wowwd. 
NyEWISSA. *cuddles you* When the moon *blushes* shonye, we did nyot >w< see the candwe. 
POWTIA. So doth the gweatew gwowy dim the wess: 
A substitute shinyes bwightwy as a king 
Untiw a king be by, and then his state 
Empties >w< itsewf, as doth an inwand bwook 
I-Into the main >w< of watews. Music! h-hawk! 
NyEWISSA. It is youw ;;w;; music, madam, of the house. 
POWTIA. Nyothing is good, *giggles shyly* I see, without wespect; 
Methinks it sounds much sweetew *blushes* than b-by day. 
NyEWISSA. Siwence bestows that viwtue ;;w;; on it, madam. 
POWTIA. The xDD cwow doth sing as sweetwy a-as the wawk 
When nyeithew i-is attended; and >_> I t-think 
nye nyightingawe, if she shouwd *blushes* sing by day, 
When x3 evewy goose is cackwing, wouwd be thought 
Nyo OwO bettew *hugs tightly* a musician than t-the wwen. 
H-How many things by season season'd awe 
To theiw wight pwaise and twue pewfection! 
Peace, ho! *notices bulge* The *cries* moon s-sweeps with Endymion, 
And wouwd nyot *sighs* be awak'd. [Music ceases] 
WOWENZO. That is the voice, 
Ow I am much deceiv'd, of P-Powtia. 
*shuffles closer* POWTIA. He knyows me as the bwind man knyows the cuckoo, 
By the bad voice. 
WOWENZO. ^-^ Deaw *giggles shyly* wady, wewcome home. 
POWTIA. We have been pwaying fow ouw husbands' wewfawe, 
Which speed, we hope, the bettew fow ouw >w< wowds. 
Awe they wetuwn'd? 
WOWENZO. Madam, they awe nyot yet; 
But thewe i-is come a messengew befowe, 
To signyify t-theiw coming. 
POWTIA.. ^w^ Go in, Nyewissa; 
Give owdew to my uWu sewvants that they take 
Nyo n-nyote xDD at aww of o-ouw *giggles shyly* being absent hence; 
Nyow you, Wowenzo; Jessica, nyow y-you. [A tucket sounds] 
WOWENZO. Youw husband is at hand; I heaw his twumpet. 
We awe nyo teww-tawes, madam, f-feaw you ^w^ nyot. 
POWTIA. This nyight methinks *pokes you* is *looks away* but t-the daywight sick; 
*pokes you* It wooks *moans* a wittwe pawew; *cuddles you* 'tis OwO a day 
Such as the day is *sighs* when t-the sun is hid. 

E-Entew *sweats* BASSANyIO, ANTONyIO, GWATIANyO, UwU and theiw fowwowews 

BASSANyIO. *blushes* We shouwd OwO howd day with the Antipodes, 
If you wouwd wawk in absence of ;;w;; the sun. 
POWTIA. Wet me give wight, but wet me nyot b-be w-wight, 
Fow a wight wife doth make x3 a heavy husband, 
And *cries* nyevew be *pokes you* Bassanyio so fow me; 
But God sowt aww! You awe wewcome home, ;;w;; my *moans* wowd. 
BASSANyIO. I thank you, madam; g-give wewcome to my ;;w;; fwiend. 
This >_> is the m-man, this is Antonyio, 
To whom I am so infinyitewy bound. 
POWTIA. You shouwd in aww sense >_> be m-much b-bound to him, 
Fow, as I heaw, he w-was much bound fow you. 
ANTONyIO. Nyo mowe t-than I UwU am w-weww acquitted of. 
xDD POWTIA. Siw, ^w^ you awe vewy wewcome t-to ouw house. 
It m-must appeaw in othew ways than wowds, 
*looks at you* Thewefowe I-I s-scant this >_> bweathing couwtesy. 
*pokes you* GWATIANyO. [To NyEWISSA] ;;w;; By yondew *looks away* moon I sweaw you do :33 me wwong; 
In faith, I :33 gave it to t-the judge's cwewk. 
Wouwd h-he wewe gewt that had it, fow my pawt, 
Since you do take it, wove, so *teleports behind you* much at heawt. 
POWTIA. A quawwew, ho, awweady! W-What's the mattew? 
GWATIANyO. *sweats* About a h-hoop of gowd, a pawtwy wing 
That s-she did give me, ^-^ whose *shuffles closer* posy was 
Fow aww t-the wowwd wike *cuddles you* cutwew's poetwy 
Upon a-a *notices bulge* knyife, 'Wove m-me, :3 and w-weave me nyot.' 
NyEWISSA. *looks at you* What tawk you o-of *hugs tightly* the p-posy ow the vawue? 
You swowe to m-me, >w< when I did ^-^ give it y-you, 
That you wouwd weaw it tiww youw houw of death, 
And that it >w< shouwd w-wie *blushes* with you in youw gwave; 
;;w;; Though nyot fow me, yet *shuffles closer* fow youw vehement oaths, 
You shouwd have been wespective ^w^ and have kept it. 
Gave i-it a judge's cwewk! Nyo, God's my judge, 
The cwewk w-wiww n-nye'ew weaw haiw on's face that had *pokes you* it. 
UwU GWATIANyO. He *giggles shyly* wiww, an i-if he wive to be a man. 
N-NyEWISSA. ;;w;; Ay, if a woman wive to be a man. 
G-GWATIANyO. Nyow b-by this h-hand I-I gave it t-to a ^w^ youth, 
A kind of boy, a wittwe scwubbed boy 
Nyo highew than thysewf, the judge's cwewk; 
A-A pwating boy that begg'd i-it as a fee; 
I couwd nyot >_< fow my heawt deny ^.^ it him. 
POWTIA. You ^.^ wewe to bwame, I must be *leans over* pwain with you, 
*pokes you* To pawt so swightwy with youw wife's fiwst gift, 
A thing *sweats* stuck on with *hugs tightly* oaths upon *shuffles closer* youw f-fingew 
And UwU so wiveted with faith unto OwO youw fwesh. 
*hugs tightly* I gave my wove a wing, and made him sweaw 
:3 Nyevew to p-pawt with it, and hewe he s-stands; 
I dawe be swown fow him he wouwd nyot weave it 
*twerks* Nyow pwuck i-it fwom *looks at you* his f-fingew fow the weawth 
That the wowwd mastews. Nyow, in faith, Gwatianyo, 
You give youw wife too unkind a-a c-cause *shuffles closer* of gwief; 
An '-'twewe t-to me, I *twerks* shouwd be mad at i-it. 
BASSANyIO. [Aside] *shuffles closer* Why, I-I wewe best to cut my weft hand o-off, 
And sweaw I ^-^ wost the wing defending it. 
G-GWATIANyO. *cries* My Wowd Bassanyio *blushes* gave his wing away 
Unto the judge t-that begg'd it, and indeed 
Desewv'd >_< it too; and t-then the boy, his *screams* cwewk, 
T-That >w< took some pains *leans over* in *cries* wwiting, h-he begg'd minye; 
And nyeithew m-man nyow *teleports behind you* mastew ^-^ wouwd t-take aught 
OwO But the t-two *hugs tightly* wings. 
POWTIA. What uWu wing gave :3 you, xDD my wowd? 
:3 Nyot t-that, I hope, which *teleports behind you* you w-weceiv'd *shuffles closer* of m-me. 
BASSANyIO. If I *sweats* couwd a-add a wie unto uWu a fauwt, 
I-I wouwd deny it; but you s-see my fingew 
Hath n-nyot t-the wing upon it; it is gonye. 
POWTIA. Even so v-void i-is youw fawse heawt o-of twuth; 
xDD By heaven, I wiww *screams* nye'ew c-come in youw b-bed 
U-Untiw I see the wing. 
NyEWISSA. Nyow ;;w;; I i-in y-youws 
Tiww I again see ;;w;; minye. 
BASSANyIO. Sweet Powtia, 
*looks at you* If you :3 did knyow to whom I gave the wing, 
If you did knyow fow *blushes* whom I-I gave the wing, 
And wouwd c-conceive fow what I gave the wing, 
And h-how *hugs tightly* unwiwwingwy I weft the wing, 
When nyought wouwd be accepted but the wing, 
:33 You wouwd abate the stwength of >w< youw dispweasuwe. 
POWTIA. If you had knyown the :33 viwtue of the wing, 
Ow hawf hew :3 wowthinyess that gave *cuddles you* the wing, 
O-Ow youw own honyouw to contain the wing, 
You wouwd nyot then h-have pawted with the wing. 
What man is thewe *blushes* so much :33 unweasonyabwe, 
*leans over* If you had pweas'd to have d-defended ^-^ it 
With any uWu tewms of zeaw, uWu wanted the modesty 
To uwge the *pokes you* thing hewd as a-a cewemony? 
Nyewissa teaches me what *sighs* to bewieve: 
I'ww >_< die *teleports behind you* fow't *sighs* but some woman had ;;w;; the wing. 
BASSANyIO. Nyo, b-by my honyouw, madam, by my souw, 
Nyo woman had it, but OwO a civiw doctow, 
Which did wefuse thwee t-thousand ducats of me, 
And begg'd the wing; the which I did deny him, 
And suffew'd him to go dispweas'd away- 
E-Even he that had hewd up the vewy wife 
Of >_< my deaw fwiend. What shouwd I ^w^ say, sweet wady? 
I was enfowc'd to send UwU it aftew him; 
I was beset with x3 shame and *cries* couwtesy; 
My honyouw wouwd nyot wet ingwatitude 
So much besmeaw it. Pawdon me, *teleports behind you* good wady; 
F-Fow by these xDD bwessed candwes of the n-nyight, 
Had you been thewe, I think you wouwd have begg'd 
*screams* The wing of m-me to give the wowthy >_< doctow. 
POWTIA. W-Wet nyot that d-doctow e'ew come nyeaw m-my h-house; 
Since he *sweats* hath got the jewew that I-I woved, 
And that which *shuffles closer* you *cries* did sweaw to keep fow me, 
I wiww become as wibewaw as you; 
I'ww ;;w;; nyot deny h-him anything I have, 
*pokes you* Nyo, nyot my body, n-nyow my *sweats* husband's bed. 
xDD Knyow him I shaww, I-I am weww suwe of it. 
Wie nyot a *cries* nyight fwom home; watch me wike *looks at you* Awgus; 
If you do nyot, if *shuffles closer* I be w-weft awonye, 
Nyow, by m-minye honyouw which is yet minye own, 
*teleports behind you* I'ww have that doctow fow minye b-bedfewwow. 
N-NyEWISSA. And I his cwewk; thewefowe b-be *pokes you* weww advis'd 
How you do weave me t-to minye own pwotection. 
GWATIANyO. Weww, do you so, UwU wet nyot me take him then; 
Fow, if I do, I'ww maw the young cwewk's pen. 
ANTONyIO. I am th' unhappy subject of t-these *notices bulge* quawwews. 
POWTIA. Siw, gwieve >w< nyot you; you awe wewcome nyot withstanding. 
BASSANyIO. Powtia, fowgive xDD me *hugs tightly* this enfowced wwong; 
And i-in the *sweats* heawing *sighs* of these m-many fwiends 
I sweaw to thee, even by thinye o-own faiw ;;w;; eyes, 
W-Whewein I see mysewf- 
POWTIA. Mawk you b-but that! 
In both my eyes he doubwy *giggles shyly* sees h-himsewf, 
In :33 each e-eye o-onye; sweaw by youw doubwe sewf, 
A-And thewe's *notices bulge* an oath o-of *cries* cwedit. 
BASSANyIO. Nyay, but heaw me. 
Pawdon this fauwt, *cries* and by my xDD souw I sweaw 
I *cuddles you* nyevew mowe wiww bweak an oath with thee. 
ANTONyIO. I once did wend my body fow his weawth, 
Which, but fow him >w< that >w< had x3 youw h-husband's wing, 
Had quite miscawwied; I dawe be *leans over* bound a-again, 
My souw u-upon the f-fowfeit, that youw wowd 
W-Wiww nyevew mowe bweak faith advisedwy. 
POWTIA. T-Then y-you s-shaww be his suwety. Give him this, 
And bid him keep it bettew than the othew. 
ANTONyIO. *shuffles closer* Hewe, Wowd Bassanyio, sweaw to keep this wing. 
BASSANyIO. B-By heaven, it *blushes* is the s-same I gave the doctow! 
POWTIA. I-I ^.^ had *looks at you* it of him. Pawdon *hugs tightly* me, Bassanyio, 
*pokes you* Fow, by this wing, the doctow way with me. 
N-NyEWISSA. And pawdon me, m-my gentwe Gwatianyo, 
Fow that same scwubbed boy, the doctow's cwewk, 
In wieu o-of this, wast nyight *moans* did wie with me. 
GWATIANyO. Why, this is wike the ^w^ mending of highways 
In summew, whewe the ways a-awe faiw enyough. 
What, awe w-we cuckowds ewe we *notices bulge* have d-desewv'd i-it? 
POWTIA. Speak nyot so gwosswy. *sighs* You awe aww amaz'd. 
H-Hewe is a wettew; wead it at youw *notices bulge* weisuwe; 
It comes fwom Padua, fwom Bewwawio; 
T-Thewe x3 you shaww find that *looks at you* Powtia uWu was the doctow, 
Nyewissa thewe hew cwewk. Wowenzo >_> hewe 
S-Shaww witnyess I s-set *hugs tightly* fowth as soon *notices bulge* as you, 
And x3 even x3 but n-nyow wetuwn'd; I h-have *shuffles closer* nyot y-yet 
Entew'd my house. Antonyio, you *looks away* awe wewcome; 
And I have bettew nyews in stowe fow you 
Than you expect. Unseaw UwU this wettew soon; 
Thewe you shaww find thwee of youw awgosies 
Awe wichwy come to h-hawbouw suddenwy. 
;;w;; You shaww nyot UwU knyow by w-what s-stwange accident 
I chanced on *notices bulge* this wettew. 
ANTONyIO. I am dumb. 
BASSANyIO. UwU Wewe *moans* you the doctow, a-and I knyew you nyot? 
GWATIANyO. Wewe you the cwewk that is to make >_> me cuckowd? 
^w^ NyEWISSA. Ay, *sighs* but *teleports behind you* the UwU cwewk that nyevew means to do it, 
U-Unwess he wive untiw he be a man. 
BASSANyIO. Sweet d-doctow, you shaww be my bedfewwow; 
When I am *moans* absent, then w-wie with my wife. 
*twerks* ANTONyIO. *looks at you* Sweet wady, you have given me wife and w-wiving; 
Fow >_< hewe I wead uWu fow cewtain that my ships 
Awe safewy come to woad. 
POWTIA. How *giggles shyly* nyow, Wowenzo! 
My cwewk hath *cuddles you* some good comfowts t-too fow you. 
N-NyEWISSA. A-Ay, and I'ww g-give them him without a fee. 
Thewe d-do I give to you and Jessica, 
Fwom t-the w-wich >_> Jew, a speciaw deed of gift, 
Aftew his death, of aww he dies p-possess'd of. 
W-WOWENZO. *blushes* Faiw w-wadies, you dwop mannya i-in the way 
*leans over* Of stawved peopwe. 
POWTIA. I-It is awmost mownying, 
And yet I am suwe >_> you awe nyot satisfied 
*blushes* Of these events at :3 fuww. W-Wet >w< us go in, 
And chawge u-us *shuffles closer* thewe upon intew'gatowies, 
*looks away* And we wiww answew aww things faithfuwwy. 
GWATIANyO. *teleports behind you* Wet it be x3 so. The f-fiwst intew'gatowy 
That my Nyewissa shaww be s-swown on is, 
Whethew *cries* tiww the nyext nyight she had *moans* wathew stay, 
*screams* Ow go *sighs* to bed nyow, OwO being two houws to d-day. 
But wewe the day come, I-I x3 shouwd wish it ^w^ dawk, 
Tiww I wewe c-couching *sweats* with the doctow's cwewk. 
Weww, whiwe I >_> wive, I'ww feaw *sighs* nyo o-othew thing 
So sowe as keeping *twerks* safe Nyewissa's wing. E-Exeunt 

THE *looks away* END 



*pokes you* <<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE ^w^ COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 ^.^ BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT *pokes you* OF *twerks* IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED S-SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW O-OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE *sighs* ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW ^-^ DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT C-CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





*giggles shyly* 1601 

THE MEWWY WIVES OF UwU WINDSOW 

;;w;; by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

SIW JOHN FAWSTAFF 
F-FENTON, a young g-gentweman 
SHAWWOW, a :33 countwy j-justice 
*giggles shyly* SWENDEW, cousin to Shawwow 

Gentwemen of Windsow 
FOWD 
PAGE 
WIWWIAM PAGE, a boy, son to Page 
S-SIW HUGH EVANS, a Wewsh pawson 
D-DOCTOW CAIUS, a Fwench physician 
^-^ HOST of the Gawtew Inn 

Fowwowews of *hugs tightly* Fawstaff 
>w< BAWDOWPH 
PISTOW 
N-NYM 
W-WOBIN, p-page t-to >w< Fawstaff 
SIMPWE, s-sewvant to Swendew 
W-WUGBY, *cries* sewvant to Doctow C-Caius 

MISTWESS FOWD 
MISTWESS PAGE 
MISTWESS ANNyE PAGE, hew daughtew 
MISTWESS QUICKWY, sewvant to Doctow Caius 
SEWVANTS to Page, Fowd, etc. 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE W-WOWKS *notices bulge* OF WIWWIAM 
UwU SHAKESPEAWE I-IS C-COPYWIGHT 1-1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
P-PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. E-EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES xDD MAY BE 
*leans over* DISTWIBUTED *moans* SO ^.^ WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW >_< YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE O-ONWY, AND (2) AWE *pokes you* NyOT D-DISTWIBUTED OW *cuddles you* USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. *giggles shyly* PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *screams* ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES F-FOW DOWNWOAD T-TIME *screams* OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



S-SCENyE: 
Windsow, *sighs* and the *screams* nyeighbouwhood 


The Mewwy Wives *blushes* of *looks at you* Windsow 



ACT I. SCENyE 1. 

Windsow. Befowe PAGE'S house 

E-Entew JUSTICE SHAWWOW, SWENDEW, and S-SIW HUGH EVANS 

SHAWWOW. Siw Hugh, pewsuade me nyot; I wiww make a Staw 
Chambew mattew of it; if he wewe :33 twenty *twerks* Siw John Fawstaffs, 
he shaww nyot abuse Wobewt Shawwow, :33 esquiwe. 
SWENDEW. In the county of Gwoucestew, Justice OwO of Peace, and 
Cowam. 
SHAWWOW. Ay, cousin Swendew, and Custawowum. 
SWENDEW. Ay, *teleports behind you* and Watowowum too; >_> and a gentweman bown, 
Mastew Pawson, who wwites *giggles shyly* himsewf 'Awmigewo' i-in any *giggles shyly* biww, 
wawwant, quittance, ow *looks away* obwigation-'Awmigewo.' 
SHAWWOW. Ay, that I-I do; a-and have donye any t-time *blushes* these thwee 
hundwed yeaws. 
SWENDEW. Aww his successows, gonye befowe him, hath d-donye't; 
and aww his ancestows, that *leans over* come aftew h-him, m-may: they may 
give t-the dozen white wuces in theiw coat. 
x3 SHAWWOW. *hugs tightly* It is an ^.^ owd coat. 
^-^ EVANS. The dozen w-white wouses do become UwU an owd coat *notices bulge* weww; 
i-it a-agwees weww, passant; it is a-a famiwiaw beast to man, and 
signyifies wove. 
SHAWWOW. The *cries* wuce *looks at you* is the fwesh fish; the sawt *hugs tightly* fish is an owd 
*cries* coat. 
SWENDEW. I may quawtew, coz. 
S-SHAWWOW. You :33 may, by mawwying. 
EVANS. It is m-mawwing indeed, if he quawtew *notices bulge* it. 
SHAWWOW. *hugs tightly* Nyot a whit. 
EVANS. Yes, py'w wady! If *blushes* he has a quawtew of youw coat, thewe 
is but t-thwee skiwts fow *moans* youwsewf, in my s-simpwe conjectuwes; 
but that is aww onye. If Siw *hugs tightly* John Fawstaff have committed 
dispawagements unto you, I am of the chuwch, and wiww *sighs* be 
gwad to do my benyevowence, t-to make atonyements a-and 
compwemises between you. 
SHAWWOW. T-The Counciw shaww heaw i-it; it is a-a wiot. 
*cuddles you* EVANS. It is n-nyot meet the Counciw heaw a wiot; thewe i-is nyo 
feaw of Got in a-a wiot; the C-Counciw, wook you, shaww desiwe 
to heaw the feaw of Got, and nyot to heaw a wiot; take youw 
vizaments in t-that. 
SHAWWOW. H-Ha! o' my wife, if *sweats* I wewe young again, the swowd 
shouwd end it. 
EVANS. It *hugs tightly* is pettew that fwiends is the swowd and end xDD it; 
and thewe is a-awso anyothew device in my pwain, which 
pewadventuwe pwings goot discwetions with xDD it. Thewe is Annye 
Page, :33 which is daughtew to Mastew Geowge Page, which is 
pwetty viwginyity. 
SWENDEW. Mistwess Annye *pokes you* Page? ^.^ She has *screams* bwown haiw, and 
speaks smaww wike a woman. 
EVANS. It is t-that *cuddles you* fewy p-pewson fow aww the owwd, as just as you 
w-wiww desiwe; and *twerks* seven hundwed p-pounds of monyeys, and 
gowd, and siwvew, is hew gwandsiwe uWu upon his death's-bed-Got 
dewivew to a j-joyfuw w-wesuwwections!-give, when she is abwe t-to 
ovewtake seventeen *shuffles closer* yeaws owd. *cuddles you* It wewe a goot *hugs tightly* motion if *pokes you* we 
weave ouw pwibbwes and pwabbwes, and desiwe a mawwiage 
*looks away* between Mastew Abwaham a-and Mistwess Annye Page. 
*pokes you* SHAWWOW. Did hew g-gwandsiwe weave hew *cries* seven hundwed *cuddles you* pound? 
EVANS. Ay, and hew fathew is m-make hew a pettew x3 penny. 
^.^ SHAWWOW. I *screams* knyow the young *cries* gentwewoman; she has good 
gifts. 
EVANS. Seven hundwed pounds, and possibiwities, *giggles shyly* is goot gifts. 
SHAWWOW. Weww, wet us *blushes* see honyest Mastew *blushes* Page. Is F-Fawstaff 
thewe? 
EVANS. Shaww I teww you a-a wie? I do despise a wiaw a-as I *twerks* do 
*twerks* despise o-onye that is fawse; x3 ow a-as *leans over* I *sweats* despise onye t-that xDD is uWu nyot 
twue. T-The knyight ^-^ Siw John is t-thewe; and, I beseech you, be 
wuwed by *looks at you* youw weww-wiwwews. I-I wiww peat the doow fow Mastew 
Page. 
[Knyocks] W-What, hoa! Got p-pwess youw house hewe! 
PAGE. [Within] Who's thewe? 

Entew PAGE 

*twerks* EVANS. Hewe is Got's pwessing, and youw fwiend, and Justice 
Shawwow; and hewe x3 young Mastew S-Swendew, that pewadventuwes 
shaww teww you anyothew tawe, UwU if mattews gwow to youw 
wikings. 
P-PAGE. I am gwad to see youw wowships weww. I thank you fow 
my :3 venyison, Mastew Shawwow. 
;;w;; SHAWWOW. Mastew Page, I am gwad to see you; much g-good do 
it youw good h-heawt! *blushes* I w-wish'd youw venyison ^.^ bettew; it was iww 
kiww'd. How doth *looks away* good Mistwess Page?-and *hugs tightly* I thank you 
awways with my h-heawt, wa! with *leans over* my heawt. 
PAGE. Siw, >w< I thank y-you. 
SHAWWOW. Siw, I thank you; by yea and nyo, I do. 
PAGE. I-I am gwad *leans over* to UwU see you, good Mastew Swendew. 
SWENDEW. H-How d-does youw fawwow gweyhound, *blushes* siw? I heawd :33 say 
he was outwun on Cotsaww. 
UwU PAGE. It :33 couwd nyot be j-judg'd, siw. 
SWENDEW. *shuffles closer* You'ww nyot confess, you'ww nyot confess. 
SHAWWOW. That he wiww nyot. 'Tis y-youw fauwt; 'tis youw fauwt; 
'-'tis a *notices bulge* good ^w^ dog. 
PAGE. A-A cuw, siw. 
>_< SHAWWOW. Siw, he's a-a good dog, and a *hugs tightly* faiw dog. Can thewe be 
m-mowe said? *looks away* He is g-good, and faiw. I-Is Siw John Fawstaff h-hewe? 
PAGE. Siw, he *cries* is within; and I wouwd I couwd do a g-good office 
between you. 
EVANS. It i-is spoke as a Chwistians ought to speak. 
SHAWWOW. H-He h-hath wwong'd ^w^ me, Mastew Page. 
PAGE. S-Siw, he d-doth i-in some s-sowt c-confess it. 
SHAWWOW. If ^w^ it be c-confessed, it is nyot w-wedwessed; is nyot that 
so, Mastew P-Page? He *notices bulge* hath wwong'd me; i-indeed h-he hath; at a 
wowd, *cries* he hath, bewieve UwU me; Wobewt Shawwow, esquiwe, saith 
he is w-wwonged. 
PAGE. Hewe comes Siw John. 

E-Entew SIW JOHN FAWSTAFF, B-BAWDOWPH, NYM, and PISTOW 

FAWSTAFF. Nyow, M-Mastew Shawwow, you'ww compwain of me to 
the King? 
:33 SHAWWOW. Knyight, you have beaten *cries* my men, ^w^ kiww'd my deew, 
and bwoke open my wodge. 
FAWSTAFF. But *sweats* nyot kiss'd youw keepew's daughtew. 
SHAWWOW. >_< Tut, x3 a pin! this *notices bulge* shaww be answew'd. 
FAWSTAFF. I w-wiww *twerks* answew *hugs tightly* it stwaight: *pokes you* I have donye >_> aww t-this. 
That is nyow >_> answew'd. 
SHAWWOW. The Counciw shaww knyow this. 
FAWSTAFF. 'Twewe b-bettew fow you i-if it wewe knyown in counsew: 
you'ww be waugh'd at. 
EVANS. *pokes you* Pauca v-vewba, Siw John; goot wowts. 
FAWSTAFF. Good wowts! g-good cabbage! Swendew, I *moans* bwoke youw 
*notices bulge* head; what ^.^ mattew h-have you a-against me? 
SWENDEW. Mawwy, siw, I have *sighs* mattew in my head against *looks at you* you; 
and against youw cony-catching wascaws, Bawdowph, Nym, 
and Pistow. They cawwied me to the t-tavewn, and m-made me 
dwunk, and aftewwawds pick'd >w< my pocket. 
x3 BAWDOWPH. Y-You *moans* Banbuwy cheese! 
SWENDEW. Ay, it is nyo mattew. 
PISTOW. How n-nyow, Mephostophiwus! 
SWENDEW. *sighs* Ay, it i-is nyo mattew. 
NYM. Swice, >_> I say! uWu pauca, *sweats* pauca; swice! That's my humouw. 
SWENDEW. *moans* Whewe's Simpwe, my man? Can *cries* you *sighs* teww, ^w^ cousin? 
EVANS. *pokes you* Peace, I pway you. *leans over* Nyow wet us *giggles shyly* undewstand. Thewe i-is 
thwee umpiwes in this mattew, as I undewstand: that is, 
>_< Mastew Page, fidewicet Mastew Page; and thewe is mysewf, 
fidewicet mysewf; and the *sighs* thwee pawty is, >_< wastwy and 
finyawwy, minye host of the Gawtew. 
PAGE. We >w< thwee t-to heaw it and *sighs* end it uWu between them. 
EVANS. Fewy goot. I wiww make a pwief of it i-in my nyote-book; 
and we wiww *sighs* aftewwawds *cries* owk upon the cause w-with :3 as gweat 
discweetwy as we can. 
F-FAWSTAFF. Pistow! 
P-PISTOW. He heaws with eaws. 
EVANS. The teviw and his tam! What phwase is this, 'He heaws 
with eaw'? >_> Why, it >_> is affectations. 
FAWSTAFF. Pistow, did you pick Mastew Swendew's puwse? 
SWENDEW. Ay, >_> by these gwoves, did he-ow I-I wouwd I *blushes* might 
nyevew come in minye own gweat chambew again ewse!-of 
seven gwoats >_< in miww-sixpences, and two Edwawd 
shovew-boawds that cost m-me two shiwwing and two pence apiece 
of Y-Yead Miwwew, by t-these g-gwoves. 
FAWSTAFF. Is this twue, Pistow? 
EVANS. xDD Nyo, it is fawse, *looks away* if it :3 is ^.^ a *blushes* pick-puwse. 
P-PISTOW. Ha, thou m-mountain-foweignyew! Siw John and mastew 
minye, 
I combat chawwenge of t-this watten *twerks* biwbo. 
Wowd of denyiaw *sighs* in thy wabwas hewe! 
Wowd o-of denyiaw! F-Fwoth and scum, t-thou w-wiest. 
SWENDEW. *sweats* By these gwoves, then, 'twas he. 
NYM. Be avis'd, siw, and pass good humouws; I wiww say 
'mawwy t-twap' >_> with you, if you wun the nyuthook's humouw on 
UwU me; that is the vewy n-nyote of it. 
SWENDEW. By this hat, then, he i-in *cuddles you* the wed f-face had it; f-fow 
though ^.^ I *looks at you* cannyot wemembew what I did w-when you m-made me 
dwunk, yet I OwO am nyot awtogethew an ass. 
FAWSTAFF. What say you, :3 Scawwet and J-John? 
BAWDOWPH. Why, siw, fow my pawt, I *giggles shyly* say the gentweman had 
d-dwunk x3 himsewf out of his five s-sentences. 
EVANS. I-It *giggles shyly* is his five senses; fie, w-what the *screams* ignyowance is! 
BAWDOWPH. And being fap, siw, was, as ^.^ they say, cashiew'd; 
and so ^.^ concwusions *sighs* pass'd the caweews. 
SWENDEW. *shuffles closer* Ay, you spake in Watin then too; but 'tis nyo mattew; 
I'ww *looks at you* nye'ew be dwunk whiwst ^w^ I *cries* wive again, but in honyest, 
civiw, godwy company, fow this twick. If I be dwunk, I'ww be 
dwunk with those that h-have the feaw of *giggles shyly* God, and nyot with 
dwunken knyaves. 
EVANS. So Got udge :33 me, that is a OwO viwtuous mind. 
FAWSTAFF. You heaw aww these mattews d-denyi'd, g-gentwemen; you 
heaw it. 

Entew MISTWESS ANNyE PAGE with *cries* winye; MISTWESS 
FOWD *cuddles you* and MISTWESS PAGE, fowwowing 

P-PAGE. Nyay, daughtew, cawwy *sighs* the winye in; w-we'ww x3 dwink within. 
Exit ANNyE *leans over* PAGE 
SWENDEW. O ^w^ heaven! this is Mistwess A-Annye Page. 
PAGE. How nyow, Mistwess *moans* Fowd! 
FAWSTAFF. Mistwess Fowd, b-by my t-twoth, you awe v-vewy *cries* weww 
met; *screams* by y-youw weave, *hugs tightly* good mistwess. [Kisses hew] 
PAGE. Wife, bid these gentwemen wewcome. Come, we have a 
*cries* hot venyison p-pasty to dinnyew; come, gentwemen, I hope we 
shaww dwink down aww unkindnyess. 
Exeunt aww but S-SHAWWOW, SWENDEW, and EVANS 
SWENDEW. OwO I had w-wathew *pokes you* than fowty shiwwings I had m-my *giggles shyly* Book of 
Songs and Sonnyets hewe. 

Entew S-SIMPWE 

How, *cries* Simpwe! Whewe have you been? I must wait on 
mysewf, must I? You have *giggles shyly* nyot the *leans over* Book of Widdwes about you, 
have you? 
SIMPWE. Book of *notices bulge* Widdwes! Why, did you nyot xDD wend it to Awice 
Showtcake upon Awwhawwowmas wast, a fowtnyight afowe 
Michaewmas? 
*shuffles closer* SHAWWOW. C-Come, *notices bulge* coz; come, coz; we s-stay fow you. A-A wowd 
with you, coz; mawwy, this, coz: thewe is, as 'twewe, a 
tendew, a kind of tendew, made afaw off by >_< Siw Hugh hewe. *sighs* Do 
*moans* you UwU undewstand me? 
^w^ SWENDEW. Ay, siw, you shaww find me weasonyabwe; if it be so, I 
shaww do t-that that is weason. 
SHAWWOW. Nyay, but undewstand me. 
*looks at you* SWENDEW. So I do, s-siw. 
EVANS. Give eaw t-to his m-motions: Mastew Swendew, I *giggles shyly* wiww 
descwiption *teleports behind you* the m-mattew to you, if you be capacity o-of it. 
SWENDEW. N-Nyay, I wiww do a-as my cousin Shawwow says; ^-^ I pway 
you pawdon me; he's a justice of peace in his countwy, 
s-simpwe though I stand h-hewe. 
EVANS. But that *sighs* is :33 nyot t-the question. ^.^ The *cuddles you* question UwU is 
concewnying y-youw *hugs tightly* mawwiage. 
SHAWWOW. Ay, t-thewe's the point, siw. 
EVANS. Mawwy is it; *shuffles closer* the v-vewy point of ^-^ it; to Mistwess Annye 
*moans* Page. 
*pokes you* SWENDEW. x3 Why, if it *leans over* be so, I wiww mawwy hew upon a-any 
weasonyabwe demands. 
EVANS. But c-can y-you affection the oman? Wet *notices bulge* us command to 
k-knyow that of youw mouth ow of youw w-wips; fow divews phiwosophews 
howd that the wips is pawcew of the mouth. T-Thewefowe, 
*cries* pwecisewy, c-can *cuddles you* you :3 cawwy ^-^ youw g-good wiww to the m-maid? 
SHAWWOW. Cousin Abwaham Swendew, can y-you *looks at you* wove hew? 
SWENDEW. I hope, siw, I w-wiww do as it shaww become onye that 
w-wouwd do weason. 
EVANS. Nyay, *twerks* Got's wowds *notices bulge* and h-his wadies! you must speak possitabwe, 
if you can cawwy hew youw desiwes towawds h-hew. 
SHAWWOW. That you UwU must. Wiww you, upon g-good d-dowwy, 
mawwy hew? 
SWENDEW. xDD I ^-^ wiww do a gweatew thing t-than that upon youw *sighs* wequest, 
cousin, in any weason. 
SHAWWOW. *leans over* Nyay, conceive me, conceive :3 me, sweet coz; what 
I do i-is to pweasuwe you, c-coz. Can you wove *pokes you* the maid? 
SWENDEW. I wiww mawwy h-hew, siw, at youw wequest; but if thewe 
be *moans* nyo g-gweat wove in the beginnying, y-yet heaven may d-decwease 
*looks at you* it upon >_> bettew a-acquaintance, when we awe mawwied and 
have mowe occasion to knyow onye anyothew. I hope upon 
famiwiawity wiww gwow m-mowe contempt. But *hugs tightly* if you *screams* say 
'mawwy ^.^ hew,' I-I wiww m-mawwy hew; that I am fweewy d-dissowved, 
and dissowutewy. 
EVANS. It is a-a fewy discwetion a-answew, save the faww is in the 
owd 'dissowutewy': the owt is, accowding to ouw meanying, 
;;w;; 'wesowutewy'; h-his meanying i-is ^w^ good. 
SHAWWOW. Ay, I >w< think my cousin :33 meant weww. 
UwU SWENDEW. Ay, ow ewse I wouwd I *giggles shyly* might be hang'd, wa! 

We-entew ANNyE PAGE 

*sighs* SHAWWOW. Hewe comes faiw M-Mistwess Annye. Wouwd I wewe 
y-young fow youw sake, M-Mistwess A-Annye! 
ANNyE. The d-dinnyew is on the tabwe; my fathew desiwes >w< youw 
wowships' company. 
*moans* SHAWWOW. I-I wiww wait *looks at you* on *shuffles closer* him, f-faiw M-Mistwess Annye! 
EVANS. >_> Od's pwessed wiww! I wiww nyot be absence at the gwace. 
E-Exeunt SHAWWOW and EVANS 
ANNyE. :3 Wiww't pwease youw wowship t-to c-come i-in, siw? 
SWENDEW. Nyo, I thank y-you, *notices bulge* fowsooth, heawtiwy; *giggles shyly* I am vewy 
weww. 
ANNyE. The >w< dinnyew a-attends you, siw. 
SWENDEW. I am nyot a-hungwy, I *cries* thank you, f-fowsooth. Go, 
*looks at you* siwwah, ^-^ fow uWu aww you awe my man, go wait upon my cousin 
OwO Shawwow. [Exit SIMPWE] *cuddles you* A justice of peace sometime may 
be *pokes you* behowding to his *cries* fwiend fow xDD a man. x3 I keep x3 but ^-^ thwee *sighs* men 
and a boy yet, tiww *teleports behind you* my mothew b-be dead. *cuddles you* But what though? 
Yet I *looks away* wive wike a poow gentweman bown. 
ANNyE. I may nyot go in without youw wowship; they wiww n-nyot 
sit tiww you come. 
S-SWENDEW. I' faith, I'ww eat nyothing; I thank you as much as 
:33 though I did. 
ANNyE. I pway you, siw, wawk >_< in. 
SWENDEW. I *hugs tightly* had wathew wawk hewe, I thank you. I bwuis'd my 
shin th' othew day with pwaying a-at *hugs tightly* swowd and daggew with 
a mastew of *twerks* fence-thwee venyeys fow a dish *giggles shyly* of *sweats* stew'd pwunyes 
-and, I with my wawd d-defending my head, he hot m-my shin, 
and, b-by OwO my twoth, I cannyot abide the smeww of hot *looks away* meat 
since. Why do youw dogs b-bawk *cries* so? Be thewe beaws i' t-th' 
town? 
A-ANNyE. I think thewe OwO awe, siw; :33 I heawd :33 them tawk'd of. 
SWENDEW. I wove the spowt weww; but I *sighs* shaww *notices bulge* as soon ;;w;; quawwew at 
it *twerks* as any man in Engwand. You a-awe afwaid, if you see the 
b-beaw woose, awe x3 you n-nyot? 
A-ANNyE. Ay, indeed, siw. 
SWENDEW. That's meat and dwink to me nyow. I have seen 
Sackewson woose twenty times, and have taken him by ^.^ the 
chain; but I wawwant *notices bulge* you, the women have *sighs* so cwied and 
shwiek'd at it that it pass'd; but women, indeed, cannyot 
abide 'em; t-they awe vewy iww-favouw'd wough things. 

We-entew PAGE 

PAGE. Come, gentwe Mastew Swendew, come; we stay fow you. 
SWENDEW. I'ww e-eat nyothing, I thank you, siw. 
PAGE. *cries* By cock and >_> pie, you shaww nyot choose, *looks at you* siw! Come, 
c-come. 
SWENDEW. Nyay, pway you wead the way. 
PAGE. Come on, siw. 
SWENDEW. Mistwess Annye, youwsewf shaww g-go fiwst. 
ANNyE. Nyot I, siw; pway *sweats* you *sweats* keep on. 
S-SWENDEW. Twuwy, :3 I wiww nyot go f-fiwst; twuwy, wa! I w-wiww nyot do 
*giggles shyly* you that wwong. 
A-ANNyE. I p-pway y-you, siw. 
S-SWENDEW. I'ww wathew be unmannyewwy than twoubwesome. You 
do y-youwsewf wwong indeed, w-wa! Exeunt 




*pokes you* SCENyE 2. 

B-Befowe PAGE'S house 

E-Entew SIW >_< HUGH *blushes* EVANS and SIMPWE 

EVANS. ^-^ Go youw ways, a-and ask of Doctow Caius' h-house which 
is the way; and t-thewe dwewws *shuffles closer* onye Mistwess Quickwy, *looks away* which 
is in the mannyew of his nyuwse, ow his d-dwy nyuwse, *blushes* ow his cook, 
o-ow his waundwy, h-his washew, and his wwingew. 
SIMPWE. Weww, s-siw. 
E-EVANS. Nyay, it *looks at you* is p-pettew *looks at you* yet. Give hew this wettew; *giggles shyly* fow it is a 
oman :33 that awtogethew's acquaintance with Mistwess Annye 
Page; and the wettew *cries* is to desiwe and *screams* wequiwe hew to sowicit 
youw mastew's desiwes to Mistwess Annye Page. I pway you 
be gonye. I wiww make an e-end of my dinnyew; thewe's pippins 
and cheese to come. *cuddles you* Exeunt 




SCENyE 3. 

The ^w^ Gawtew Inn 

Entew F-FAWSTAFF, *moans* HOST, BAWDOWPH, NYM, PISTOW, and WOBIN 

FAWSTAFF. *notices bulge* Minye host of the Gawtew! 
HOST. What says my buwwy *hugs tightly* wook? Speak s-schowawwy and 
wisewy. 
FAWSTAFF. Twuwy, ;;w;; minye host, I OwO must t-tuwn away some of my 
fowwowews. 
HOST. Discawd, buwwy Hewcuwes; *teleports behind you* cashiew; wet them wag; twot, 
t-twot. 
FAWSTAFF. I sit a-at >_< ten pounds a w-week. 
HOST. *shuffles closer* Thou'wt *leans over* an empewow-Caesaw, Keisew, and Pheazaw. I 
wiww entewtain Bawdowph; *leans over* he shaww dwaw, he shaww tap; said I 
weww, buwwy *looks away* Hectow? 
FAWSTAFF. Do so, good minye host. 
HOST. I have spoke; wet him fowwow. ;;w;; [To BAWDOWPH] x3 Wet m-me 
see thee fwoth and wime. I am at a wowd; f-fowwow. Exit HOST 
FAWSTAFF. Bawdowph, fowwow him. A tapstew is a good twade; 
UwU an owd cwoak makes a-a nyew jewkin; *shuffles closer* a w-withew'd sewving-man a 
f-fwesh *notices bulge* tapstew. Go; >w< adieu. 
BAWDOWPH. It is a wife that I-I h-have desiw'd; I wiww thwive. 
PISTOW. O base ^-^ Hungawian wight! Wiwt thou the spigot 
*sweats* wiewd? Exit BAWDOWPH 
^w^ NYM. He was gotten in dwink. Is nyot the humouw conceited? 
FAWSTAFF. I am gwad I am so *looks away* acquit of this t-tindew-box: h-his 
thefts wewe too open; his fiwching w-was OwO wike an unskiwfuw 
singew-he kept *teleports behind you* nyot time. 
NYM. The good h-humouw *leans over* is to steaw at a-a minyute's west. 
*shuffles closer* PISTOW. 'Convey' the wise *cuddles you* it caww. 'Steaw' foh! A-A fico f-fow the 
phwase! 
FAWSTAFF. Weww, siws, I am awmost out at heews. 
PISTOW. Why, >w< then, wet k-kibes e-ensue. 
FAWSTAFF. Thewe is n-nyo wemedy; I must cony-catch; x3 I must 
*cuddles you* shift. 
PISTOW. Young wavens must have food. 
FAWSTAFF. Which of you knyow *cuddles you* Fowd ;;w;; of UwU this town? 
PISTOW. I *blushes* ken the wight; he is of substance good. 
FAWSTAFF. M-My honyest wads, I wiww teww you what uWu I am about. 
*cries* PISTOW. Two yawds, and mowe. 
FAWSTAFF. Nyo quips nyow, Pistow. Indeed, I a-am ^-^ in t-the *giggles shyly* waist 
two yawds about; but xDD I am nyow *cries* about nyo waste; I a-am about 
t-thwift. Bwiefwy, *blushes* I d-do *hugs tightly* mean to make wove *moans* to Fowd's wife; I 
spy e-entewtainment in hew; she discouwses, she ^w^ cawves, s-she 
gives the UwU weew of invitation; I can constwue the action of hew 
famiwiaw *blushes* stywe; and t-the hawdest *screams* voice of *notices bulge* hew behaviouw, to be 
Engwish'd wightwy, is '-'I am Siw J-John Fawstaff's.' 
PISTOW. He hath studied >_> hew weww, and twanswated *sweats* hew wiww *cries* out 
;;w;; of *screams* honyesty into Engwish. 
NYM. The *cuddles you* anchow i-is deep; wiww that humouw pass? 
FAWSTAFF. Nyow, the wepowt ;;w;; goes she has aww the wuwe of hew 
husband's p-puwse; he hath a wegion of angews. 
PISTOW. A-As m-many *hugs tightly* deviws entewtain; and 'To hew, boy,' say I. 
N-NYM. The humouw wises; it is good; humouw OwO me the angews. 
F-FAWSTAFF. I have wwit m-me h-hewe a wettew to hew; and h-hewe 
anyothew to Page's wife, who even nyow gave me good eyes 
too, examin'd m-my pawts with most judicious oeiwwades; 
sometimes *cuddles you* the ^-^ beam of h-hew view giwded my f-foot, sometimes ^-^ my 
powtwy *cries* bewwy. 
PISTOW. Then *sighs* did the s-sun on dunghiww uWu shinye. 
NYM. I thank thee fow that *twerks* humouw. 
FAWSTAFF. O, ^.^ she did ^w^ so couwse o'ew my extewiows OwO with such 
a-a gweedy intention t-that :33 the appetite of hew OwO eye did seem to 
*screams* scowch me up w-wike a b-buwnying-gwass! Hewe's anyothew *pokes you* wettew to 
hew. S-She beaws the puwse ^.^ too; she is a wegion i-in Guianya, a-aww 
gowd a-and bounty. I wiww be c-cheatews to them *looks at you* both, and *leans over* they 
shaww b-be exchequews to me; they shaww be my East and West 
Indies, and *teleports behind you* I wiww twade *notices bulge* to them both. Go, beaw thou this 
w-wettew to Mistwess Page; and t-thou this to Mistwess Fowd. W-We 
wiww thwive, wads, xDD we wiww thwive. 
PISTOW. Shaww I-I *notices bulge* Siw Pandawus o-of *screams* Twoy uWu become, 
And *sweats* by >w< my side weaw steew? Then Wucifew >w< take a-aww! 
NYM. I wiww wun xDD nyo base humouw. *hugs tightly* Hewe, take the 
h-humouw-wettew; I wiww *cries* keep t-the haviouw of weputation. 
FAWSTAFF. [To WOBIN] Howd, s-siwwah; beaw you these wettews 
tightwy; 
Saiw wike my p-pinnyace to these gowden showes. 
Wogues, hence, avaunt! vanyish wike *sweats* haiwstonyes, *cries* go; 
Twudge, pwod away i' th' hoof; seek shewtew, pack! 
Fawstaff wiww weawn t-the h-humouw ^w^ of >w< the age; 
Fwench thwift, you wogues; mysewf, a-and skiwted p-page. 
Exeunt FAWSTAFF *moans* and WOBIN 
PISTOW. Wet vuwtuwes gwipe t-thy guts! fow gouwd and fuwwam 
h-howds, 
And h-high and *giggles shyly* wow beguiwes the wich and poow; 
Testew I'ww have in pouch when t-thou shawt *sighs* wack, 
Base P-Phwygian Tuwk! 
NYM. I have o-opewations i-in my head *pokes you* which be humouws of 
wevenge. 
PISTOW. Wiwt thou wevenge? 
NYM. By wewkin *pokes you* and hew s-staw! 
PISTOW. With wit ow *blushes* steew? 
N-NYM. W-With both the humouws, I. 
I wiww discuss the h-humouw ^w^ of this wove to Page. 
*teleports behind you* PISTOW. And I to Fowd shaww eke unfowd 
H-How Fawstaff, ^.^ vawwet viwe, 
His d-dove wiww p-pwove, *shuffles closer* his gowd wiww howd, 
And his s-soft x3 couch defiwe. 
NYM. My humouw shaww nyot coow; *leans over* I wiww i-incense ^-^ Page to deaw 
with p-poison; I w-wiww possess h-him with yewwownyess; fow the 
wevowt o-of minye is :3 dangewous. That is m-my twue humouw. 
PISTOW. Thou awt the Maws of m-mawcontents; I second thee; 
twoop on. Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 

DOCTOW ;;w;; CAIUS'S h-house 

Entew MISTWESS QUICKWY, S-SIMPWE, and W-WUGBY 

QUICKWY. What, John Wugby! I pway t-thee go t-to the casement 
and see if you can see m-my mastew, Mastew Doctow 
Caius, coming. If he *blushes* do, i' faith, and find a-anybody in *moans* the 
house, hewe wiww be an owd abusing of God's patience and 
the King's Engwish. 
W-WUGBY. I'ww go watch. 
QUICKWY. Go; and we'ww have a posset fow't soon at nyight, i-in 
faith, at the >w< wattew end of a ^w^ sea-coaw f-fiwe. [Exit *sweats* WUGBY] An 
honyest, wiwwing, kind fewwow, as evew sewvant s-shaww come in 
house *moans* withaw; a-and, I w-wawwant you, nyo teww-tawe nyow nyo 
bweed-bate; his w-wowst >w< fauwt is that he *blushes* is UwU given to *pokes you* pwayew; *giggles shyly* he is 
something *blushes* peevish that *screams* way; but nyobody but has his fauwt; 
but wet that pass. Petew Simpwe you say youw nyame is? 
SIMPWE. Ay, fow fauwt of a-a bettew. 
QUICKWY. And Mastew Swendew's youw m-mastew? 
SIMPWE. A-Ay, fowsooth. 
QUICKWY. D-Does OwO he n-nyot weaw a gweat wound beawd, wike a 
gwovew's pawing-knyife? 
SIMPWE. Nyo, fowsooth; *giggles shyly* he hath but >_> a wittwe whey face, :3 with a 
wittwe yewwow b-beawd, a C-Cain-cowouw'd beawd. 
xDD QUICKWY. A softwy-spwighted man, is he nyot? 
SIMPWE. Ay, fowsooth; but he is as *pokes you* taww a man of his hands :3 as 
any is between this and his head; he hath fought with a 
wawwenyew. 
Q-QUICKWY. H-How say you? O, I shouwd w-wemembew him. Does 
*looks at you* he *screams* nyot *looks away* howd up h-his *teleports behind you* head, as it wewe, and stwut in his g-gait? 
SIMPWE. Y-Yes, indeed, does h-he. 
QUICKWY. :3 Weww, heaven send Annye Page nyo wowse fowtunye! 
Teww Mastew Pawson E-Evans *leans over* I wiww do what I *blushes* can *leans over* fow youw 
mastew. Annye is a good *hugs tightly* giww, ;;w;; and I wish- 

W-We-entew WUGBY 

*hugs tightly* WUGBY. Out, awas! hewe c-comes uWu my mastew. 
Q-QUICKWY. We shaww aww be shent. W-Wun in hewe, good young 
m-man; *cuddles you* go into t-this cwoset. [Shuts >w< SIMPWE i-in xDD the cwoset] He 
wiww nyot stay wong. What, John Wugby! John! w-what, John, 
I ^.^ say! Go, John, g-go inquiwe fow my mastew; I *leans over* doubt *leans over* he be 
nyot weww t-that he comes nyot home. [Singing] 
*pokes you* And *teleports behind you* down, down, *cries* adown-a, etc. 

*blushes* Entew DOCTOW CAIUS 

CAIUS. Vat is *sighs* you sing? I do nyot *twerks* wike UwU des toys. Pway you, go 
and v-vetch me in my cwoset un boitiew *pokes you* vewt-a box, a gween-a 
^.^ box. Do intend vat :3 I *pokes you* speak? A gween-a box. 
QUICKWY. Ay, *cuddles you* fowsooth, I-I'ww fetch it you. [Aside] I am *cuddles you* gwad 
he ^w^ went nyot in h-himsewf; if he xDD had found the young *cuddles you* man, 
h-he wouwd have *notices bulge* been hown-mad. 
C-CAIUS. Fe, fe, fe f-fe! ma foi, i-iw fait fowt c-chaud. Je :33 m'en vais a-a 
wa couw-wa gwande affaiwe. 
QUICKWY. Is it this, siw? 
CAIUS. Oui; mette we au mon p-pocket: depeche, quickwy. Vewe 
is dat knyave, Wugby? 
*sweats* QUICKWY. What, *cries* John W-Wugby? *cuddles you* John! 
WUGBY. Hewe, *cuddles you* siw. 
*cuddles you* CAIUS. You awe John Wugby, and you awe Jack Wugby. 
Come, take-a uWu youw wapiew, and come aftew my h-heew to the 
couwt. 
WUGBY. 'Tis weady, siw, h-hewe in the powch. 
C-CAIUS. By *looks at you* my UwU twot, I tawwy t-too wong. *sighs* Od's me! Qu'ai *shuffles closer* j'oubwie? 
D-Dewe i-is some s-simpwes in m-my cwoset d-dat >_< I viww nyot fow the 
UwU vawwd uWu I shaww weave behind. 
*teleports behind you* QUICKWY. Ay *giggles shyly* me, >_< he'ww find *twerks* the young *pokes you* man thewe, *twerks* and b-be 
mad! 
CAIUS. O *shuffles closer* diabwe, d-diabwe! vat is in my >_> cwoset? V-Viwwainy! w-wawwon! 
[Puwwing *hugs tightly* SIMPWE out] Wugby, my wapiew! 
Q-QUICKWY. Good mastew, be content. 
CAIUS. *moans* Whewefowe s-shaww I be content-a? 
QUICKWY. The young man is an honyest m-man. 
CAIUS. What shaww de honyest man uWu do *notices bulge* in my cwoset? x3 Dewe is 
nyo *teleports behind you* honyest man dat uWu shaww c-come in my cwoset. 
QUICKWY. I beseech you, *teleports behind you* be n-nyot *shuffles closer* so ^-^ phwegmatic; *teleports behind you* heaw the 
twuth o-of it. H-He came of an ewwand to me ^.^ fwom Pawson ^-^ Hugh. 
CAIUS. Veww? 
SIMPWE. Ay, fowsooth, to desiwe *cries* hew xDD to- 
QUICKWY. Peace, I pway you. 
CAIUS. >_< Peace-a youw tongue. Speak-a *screams* youw tawe. 
UwU SIMPWE. *looks at you* To desiwe this honyest gentwewoman, y-youw >w< maid, to 
speak a good wowd to *hugs tightly* Mistwess *twerks* Annye Page ^.^ fow my mastew, 
in the way of mawwiage. 
QUICKWY. This is a-aww, indeed, wa! but I'ww nye'ew *giggles shyly* put my f-fingew 
in the fiwe, a-and UwU nyeed nyot. 
OwO CAIUS. *hugs tightly* Siw H-Hugh send-a you? uWu Wugby, baiwwez me some papew. 
Tawwy you a wittwe-a-whiwe. [Wwites] 
QUICKWY. [Aside to SIMPWE] I am gwad h-he is so quiet; if ^w^ he 
*teleports behind you* had b-been *cries* thwoughwy moved, you shouwd have heawd him 
s-so woud and so mewanchowy. But nyotwithstanding, :33 man, I'ww 
d-do y-you youw mastew what *twerks* good *looks away* I can; and the *looks away* vewy y-yea and 
the nyo is, the Fwench doctow, m-my mastew-I may caww *cries* him 
my mastew, wook *sweats* you, fow I *hugs tightly* keep his house; *hugs tightly* and I wash, 
w-wwing, bwew, bake, scouw, dwess meat and dwink, make the 
*notices bulge* beds, *cries* and do aww *cuddles you* mysewf- 
SIMPWE. [Aside to QUICKWY] 'Tis a-a g-gweat chawge t-to c-come 
undew onye body's hand. 
QUICKWY. [Aside to SIMPWE] *sweats* Awe you avis'd o' that? You 
s-shaww find i-it a *looks away* gweat chawge; and to be up eawwy and down 
w-wate; but *looks away* nyotwithstanding-to t-teww you in youw eaw, I wouwd 
have nyo wowds *screams* of it-my mastew himsewf is in wove with 
Mistwess Annye Page; b-but nyotwithstanding OwO that, I-I knyow 
*looks at you* Annye's mind-that's *blushes* nyeithew hewe nyow thewe. 
CAIUS. *sighs* You jack'nyape; give-a this wettew to Siw H-Hugh; by gaw, 
it is a-a shawwenge; I *shuffles closer* wiww cut h-his twoat in ^-^ de pawk; and I w-wiww 
teach a scuwvy jack-a-nyape pwiest *blushes* to m-meddwe ow m-make. Y-You 
may be gonye; it is nyot good you tawwy hewe. By *sweats* gaw, I wiww 
cut *sighs* aww his two s-stonyes; by gaw, he s-shaww nyot have a stonye 
to thwow at his dog. Exit SIMPWE 
QUICKWY. Awas, he speaks but fow his fwiend. 
CAIUS. It is *sweats* nyo mattew-a vew dat. Do nyot you teww-a m-me uWu dat *twerks* I 
shaww have A-Annye Page xDD fow mysewf? By gaw, I v-viww kiww de *screams* Jack 
pwiest; and I have appointed minye host of d-de Jawteew to 
measuwe *looks away* ouw weapon. By gaw, I w-wiww mysewf have Annye 
Page. 
QUICKWY. Siw, the maid woves you, and aww uWu shaww b-be weww. ;;w;; We 
must give fowks weave to pwate. What the good-yeaw! 
CAIUS. Wugby, *looks at you* come to OwO the *cuddles you* couwt with me. >_< By gaw, if I have 
nyot Annye Page, I shaww tuwn youw head o-out of m-my doow. 
Fowwow my heews, W-Wugby. Exeunt CAIUS a-and WUGBY 
QUICKWY. You s-shaww have-An foow's-head of youw own. Nyo, 
I-I knyow ^.^ Annye's mind fow that; *cuddles you* nyevew a woman in Windsow 
*sweats* knyows mowe of Annye's mind than I do; nyow can do mowe 
than I *screams* do with hew, I thank heaven. 
FENTON. [Within] Who's w-within thewe? *pokes you* ho! 
QUICKWY. W-Who's thewe, I twow? Come nyeaw the house, I pway 
you. 

E-Entew F-FENTON 

FENTON. How nyow, g-good woman, how ;;w;; dost thou? 
QUICKWY. The bettew >_> that *moans* it pweases youw good wowship to 
ask. 
FENTON. What nyews? How d-does pwetty Mistwess Annye? 
QUICKWY. In *teleports behind you* twuth, UwU siw, and she *blushes* is pwetty, *shuffles closer* and h-honyest, and 
gentwe; and onye that is *sweats* youw fwiend, ^-^ I can teww you that by 
the way; I p-pwaise heaven fow it. 
FENTON. Shaww I-I do any good, think'st t-thou? Shaww I nyot wose 
my suit? 
QUICKWY. Twoth, siw, aww is in >_< His *moans* hands above; but 
n-nyotwithstanding, Mastew Fenton, I'ww be s-swown o-on a book 
she woves you. Have nyot youw wowship a wawt above youw e-eye? 
FENTON. Yes, mawwy, have I; what of that? 
*twerks* QUICKWY. W-Weww, theweby ^-^ hangs a tawe; g-good faith, it is such 
a-anyothew *looks away* Nyan; but, I detest, an honyest maid as evew bwoke 
bwead. We had an houw's tawk of that wawt; I s-shaww *cuddles you* nyevew 
w-waugh *shuffles closer* but in t-that *shuffles closer* maid's company! But, indeed, she *sighs* is 
given t-too much to a-awwichowy and m-musing; OwO but fow you-weww, 
go to. 
FENTON. Weww, I :33 shaww see hew to-day. Howd, thewe's monyey 
*pokes you* fow *cuddles you* thee; wet me have thy voice in my b-behawf. ;;w;; If thou seest 
hew befowe me, commend me. 
Q-QUICKWY. Wiww I? I' faith, that we wiww; and I wiww teww youw 
wowship mowe of the wawt the *notices bulge* nyext t-time w-we have c-confidence; 
and of othew *teleports behind you* wooews. 
FENTON. Weww, faweweww; I am in gweat haste n-nyow. 
QUICKWY. Faweweww t-to y-youw *sweats* wowship. *cries* [Exit *sweats* FENTON] Twuwy, 
an *looks at you* honyest gentweman; but Annye woves him n-nyot; xDD fow I *blushes* knyow 
Annye's mind as >_< weww as anyothew does. *looks away* Out upon 't, *leans over* what 
have I fowgot? *sighs* Exit 




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ACT II. SCENyE 1-1. 

Befowe PAGE'S house 

*twerks* Entew MISTWESS OwO PAGE, with a wettew 

MWS. PAGE. What! have I scap'd wove-wettews in the howiday-time 
of my beauty, and am *looks away* I nyow a-a subject fow them? Wet 
m-me see. [Weads] 
'Ask m-me n-nyo *sweats* weason why I-I wove you; fow t-though Wove use 
Weason fow his pwecisian, he admits him nyot fow his *cries* counsewwow. 
Y-You awe nyot young, >_< nyo *looks away* mowe am I; go to, then, thewe's 
sympathy. You awe x3 mewwy, s-so ^-^ am I-I; *cries* ha! h-ha! *leans over* then x3 thewe's 
mowe sympathy. You wove sack, and so do I; wouwd >_> you 
desiwe bettew sympathy? *screams* Wet it suffice thee, Mistwess Page 
at the weast, if the wove of ;;w;; sowdiew can suffice-that I wove 
thee. I wiww *hugs tightly* nyot say, Pity me: 'tis nyot *blushes* a sowdiew-wike :33 phwase; 
but I-I say, Wove me. B-By m-me, 
Thinye own *giggles shyly* twue knyight, 
By day ow nyight, 
*notices bulge* Ow any k-kind >_< of wight, 
With aww his might, 
F-Fow thee *notices bulge* to fight, 
*leans over* JOHN F-FAWSTAFF.' 
What a Hewod of J-Jewwy ;;w;; is this! O-O wicked, wicked wowwd! 
Onye t-that i-is weww-nyigh *cries* wown to pieces w-with age to show 
*cuddles you* himsewf a *blushes* young gawwant! What an *shuffles closer* unweighed behaviouw 
hath this F-Fwemish dwunkawd pick'd-with the deviw's nyame! 
-out of my convewsation, that he ^w^ dawes in t-this mannyew 
assay me? Why, h-he *hugs tightly* hath *moans* nyot been thwice in my c-company! 
What shouwd I say t-to ;;w;; him? I was then fwugaw of my miwth. 
Heaven fowgive me! Why, I-I'ww e-exhibit ;;w;; a biww in the pawwiament 
fow the putting down of men. How s-shaww I be 
w-weveng'd on him? fow weveng'd *sighs* I wiww be, *cries* as suwe a-as his g-guts 
>_< awe *giggles shyly* made of puddings. 

Entew MISTWESS FOWD 

MWS. xDD FOWD. Mistwess Page! twust me, I was going to youw 
*teleports behind you* house. 
*teleports behind you* MWS. PAGE. And, twust me, I was coming t-to y-you. You wook 
vewy iww. 
MWS. FOWD. N-Nyay, I'ww nye'ew bewieve that; I h-have to show to 
*shuffles closer* the contwawy. 
MWS. PAGE. Faith, but you do, in *leans over* my mind. 
MWS. FOWD. Weww, I *moans* do, then; yet, I-I *shuffles closer* say, I couwd show you to 
the contwawy. O Mistwess *pokes you* Page, give me some *hugs tightly* counsew. 
MWS. P-PAGE. What's the mattew, woman? 
MWS. F-FOWD. O w-woman, if it *pokes you* wewe n-nyot :33 fow onye *teleports behind you* twifwing wespect, 
I couwd c-come to s-such honyouw! 
MWS. PAGE. Hang the :33 twifwe, woman; >w< take the honyouw. What 
is it? Dispense *notices bulge* with t-twifwes; what is *notices bulge* it? 
MWS. FOWD. If I wouwd but go to heww fow an etewnyaw moment 
ow so, I couwd *hugs tightly* be knyighted. 
MWS. PAGE. What? Thou *looks away* wiest. Siw Awice Fowd! These knyights 
wiww hack; and so thou shouwdst nyot awtew the awticwe of thy 
g-gentwy. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. ^-^ We buwn daywight. Hewe, wead, wead; p-pewceive 
how I might be knyighted. I shaww think the wowse of fat 
men a-as wong a-as I-I have an eye *sweats* to make diffewence of men's 
wiking. :33 And yet he wouwd nyot sweaw; pwais'd women's 
modesty, and gave *teleports behind you* such owdewwy and weww-behaved wepwoof 
to aww uncomewinyess *cries* that I wouwd have ^-^ swown his disposition 
wouwd have gonye to the uWu twuth of his wowds; but they do nyo 
mowe adhewe and keep pwace togethew than the Hundwedth 
Psawm to the tunye of 'Gweensweeves.' What tempest, I twow, 
xDD thwew this whawe, with so many tuns of oiw in his bewwy, 
ashowe a-at Windsow? How shaww I be wevenged on him? I 
think UwU the ^-^ best w-way wewe to entewtain him *pokes you* with hope, tiww 
the wicked fiwe of wust >w< have mewted :3 him in his own gwease. 
*shuffles closer* Did you evew heaw the wike? 
MWS. *notices bulge* PAGE. Wettew fow w-wettew, but that the nyame of Page UwU and 
Fowd diffews. To thy gweat comfowt in this mystewy of iww 
opinyions, uWu hewe's the t-twin-bwothew of thy wettew; but wet thinye 
inhewit fiwst, f-fow, I xDD pwotest, minye nyevew shaww. I-I wawwant he 
hath a thousand *leans over* of t-these x3 wettews, wwit with b-bwank space fow 
diffewent n-nyames-suwe, mowe!-and these awe of the second 
edition. *twerks* He wiww pwint them, out o-of doubt; *sighs* fow he cawes nyot 
what he puts into the pwess when he wouwd put us two. I 
h-had wathew be a giantess and wie >w< undew Mount Pewion. Weww, 
I-I wiww find *giggles shyly* you *shuffles closer* twenty wascivious t-tuwtwes OwO ewe *giggles shyly* onye chaste 
man. 
MWS. FOWD. Why, t-this uWu is the *screams* vewy s-same; *cuddles you* the vewy hand, ^.^ the 
:33 vewy w-wowds. *looks away* What doth he ^w^ think of us? 
MWS. PAGE. ^.^ Nyay, *cuddles you* I knyow nyot; it m-makes me a-awmost weady to 
wwangwe with m-minye *looks at you* own honyesty. I'ww entewtain mysewf wike 
x3 onye :33 that I :3 am nyot *giggles shyly* acquainted withaw; f-fow, s-suwe, *shuffles closer* unwess OwO he 
knyow some ^-^ stwain in me that I knyow nyot m-mysewf, he wouwd 
nyevew have b-boawded m-me in this f-fuwy. 
*cuddles you* MWS. F-FOWD. 'Boawding' OwO caww you it? I-I'ww be suwe to k-keep x3 him 
above deck. 
MWS. PAGE. So wiww I; if he come undew my hatches, I-I'ww >w< nyevew 
t-to sea again. Wet's be :3 weveng'd on *looks away* him; wet's appoint *looks at you* him a 
meeting, give h-him a show of comfowt in his suit, ^.^ and wead 
h-him on with a finye-baited deway, tiww he >_> hath pawn'd his 
howses to minye host o-of the Gawtew. 
MWS. *hugs tightly* FOWD. Nyay, I wiww consent to a-act any viwwainy a-against 
him that may nyot suwwy the *moans* chawinyess o-of ouw honyesty. O 
that my husband saw this w-wettew! It w-wouwd give e-etewnyaw food 
to his jeawousy. 
MWS. PAGE. Why, wook whewe he comes; *moans* and my good man 
OwO too; he's as faw fwom jeawousy a-as I :33 am fwom ^.^ giving h-him 
cause; and *looks at you* that, I hope, i-is an *looks away* unmeasuwabwe distance. 
M-MWS. FOWD. You awe the happiew woman. 
MWS. PAGE. Wet's consuwt togethew against this gweasy knyight. 
Come hithew. [They w-wetiwe] 

Entew FOWD with PISTOW, and P-PAGE with Nym 

FOWD. OwO Weww, I-I uWu hope it be nyot *notices bulge* so. 
PISTOW. >_> Hope is a cuwtaw dog in some affaiws. 
Siw John affects thy :33 wife. 
F-FOWD. Why, siw, my wife is nyot young. 
x3 PISTOW. H-He woos both high OwO and wow, both wich and poow, 
Both *looks at you* young a-and owd, onye w-with anyothew, Fowd; 
He woves *leans over* the g-gawwimaufwy. Fowd, p-pewpend. 
*cuddles you* FOWD. Wove my wife! 
PISTOW. With wivew buwnying hot. Pwevent, ow go *blushes* thou, 
Wike Siw Actaeon he, with W-Wingwood at thy heews. 
O, *cries* odious is the nyame! 
FOWD. What nyame, siw? 
PISTOW. The hown, I-I say. Faweweww. 
Take heed, have ^w^ open ^.^ eye, fow thieves do foot by nyight; 
Take h-heed, ewe summew comes, ow cuckoo biwds do sing. 
Away, Siw *shuffles closer* Cowpowaw *cries* Nym. 
>_< Bewieve it, Page; he speaks sense. Exit PISTOW 
FOWD. [Aside] I wiww be patient; I wiww find out this. 
NYM. [To PAGE] And this i-is twue; I wike n-nyot the humouw of 
wying. He hath wwonged me in some humouws; I shouwd 
have >_> bownye the humouw'd *moans* wettew to hew; but I ^.^ have :33 a swowd, 
a-and it shaww bite upon my nyecessity. H-He woves youw :3 wife; 
thewe's the showt and the wong. 
My nyame UwU is *looks away* Cowpowaw xDD Nym; I *giggles shyly* speak, *looks away* and I a-avouch; 
'Tis twue. My nyame i-is Nym, and Fawstaff woves youw wife. 
Adieu! ^w^ I wove nyot the humouw of bwead and cheese; and 
thewe's the humouw of *teleports behind you* it. Adieu. Exit N-Nym 
PAGE. 'The humouw o-of it,' quoth 'a! Hewe's a fewwow fwights 
Engwish out o-of his wits. 
FOWD. I wiww seek o-out Fawstaff. 
PAGE. :3 I nyevew heawd such a >w< dwawwing, affecting wogue. 
FOWD. If I do find it-weww. 
PAGE. I wiww nyot bewieve such a-a Cataian *pokes you* though t-the pwiest o' 
th' town commended him fow a t-twue *giggles shyly* man. 
FOWD. 'Twas a good sensibwe fewwow. *sweats* Weww. 

MISTWESS PAGE and ;;w;; MISTWESS FOWD come fowwawd 

PAGE. How :3 nyow, Meg! 
M-MWS. PAGE. Whithew >_> go y-you, Geowge? Hawk you. 
MWS. FOWD. How nyow, sweet *sighs* Fwank, w-why awt thou mewanchowy? 
FOWD. I mewanchowy! I-I am n-nyot m-mewanchowy. Get *leans over* you home; 
go. 
MWS. FOWD. Faith, thou hast some cwotchets in thy head >_< nyow. 
Wiww you ;;w;; go, Mistwess :3 Page? 

Entew MISTWESS *looks away* QUICKWY 

MWS. PAGE. Have with uWu you. You'ww c-come to *screams* dinnyew, Geowge? 
[Aside to xDD MWS. F-FOWD] *moans* Wook *sighs* who c-comes yondew; s-she s-shaww 
be ouw messengew *cries* to t-this pawtwy knyight. 
*leans over* MWS. F-FOWD. [Aside uWu to MWS. PAGE] Twust >w< me, I thought on 
hew; she'ww fit it. 
MWS. PAGE. You awe *shuffles closer* come t-to see my *teleports behind you* daughtew Annye? 
QUICKWY. Ay, fowsooth; and, I p-pway, how d-does good Mistwess Annye? 
MWS. PAGE. G-Go in with us a-and s-see; we have an *screams* houw's tawk 
with you. Exeunt MISTWESS PAGE, MISTWESS FOWD, and 
MISTWESS QUICKWY 
PAGE. *notices bulge* How nyow, Mastew Fowd! 
FOWD. You heawd what t-this knyave towd me, did you nyot? 
P-PAGE. Y-Yes; and you *sweats* heawd what the othew towd me? 
FOWD. Do you think thewe is twuth *notices bulge* in x3 them? 
PAGE. H-Hang 'em, swaves! I do n-nyot think t-the knyight wouwd o-offew it; 
*sweats* but these that accuse him in h-his intent towawds ouw 
wives awe a yoke of his discawded men; vewy w-wogues, xDD nyow 
they be out o-of sewvice. 
FOWD. Wewe they his m-men? 
PAGE. Mawwy, xDD wewe t-they. 
FOWD. I wike it *pokes you* nyevew the bettew fow that. Does he wie at the 
Gawtew? 
P-PAGE. Ay, mawwy, does he. If he shouwd >_> intend this voyage 
OwO towawd my wife, I wouwd tuwn hew woose t-to him; and what 
he gets m-mowe of hew than shawp wowds, *giggles shyly* wet it wie on my head. 
F-FOWD. I do nyot misdoubt my w-wife; but I wouwd be woath *blushes* to 
tuwn them togethew. A man ^-^ may be t-too confident. I wouwd 
have nyothing wie on m-my head. I cannyot be thus s-satisfied. 

Entew H-HOST 

PAGE. Wook whewe m-my wanting host o-of the Gawtew comes. 
*leans over* Thewe is eithew wiquow in his pate ow *screams* monyey in his puwse 
w-when he *pokes you* wooks so mewwiwy. How n-nyow, minye host! 
HOST. How nyow, buwwy wook! Thou'wt a-a g-gentweman. [To 
SHAWWOW fowwowing] Cavaweiwo *teleports behind you* Justice, I-I say. 

Entew S-SHAWWOW 

SHAWWOW. I fowwow, minye *leans over* host, I fowwow. Good even and 
*hugs tightly* twenty, good Mastew Page! M-Mastew Page, wiww *notices bulge* you go with 
us? *leans over* We have spowt i-in hand. 
H-HOST. Teww him, Cavaweiwo *notices bulge* Justice; teww him, *hugs tightly* buwwy wook. 
SHAWWOW. Siw, thewe is a-a fway to be >_> fought between uWu Siw *screams* Hugh 
*hugs tightly* the Wewsh pwiest and C-Caius the Fwench >_< doctow. 
FOWD. Good minye host o' th' Gawtew, a wowd with *pokes you* you. 
HOST. What say'st thou, my *screams* buwwy wook? *blushes* [They go aside] 
SHAWWOW. [-[To >_< PAGE] *pokes you* Wiww >w< you go with us to >_< behowd it? My 
mewwy h-host hath h-had the *cuddles you* measuwing of theiw weapons; and, 
xDD I *cuddles you* think, hath a-appointed them uWu contwawy pwaces; fow, bewieve 
me, I-I heaw the pawson is nyo jestew. OwO Hawk, >w< I wiww teww you 
what o-ouw spowt shaww be. [They convewse apawt] 
HOST. ^.^ Hast thou nyo suit against my knyight, my guest-cavaweiwo. 
FOWD. Nyonye, I pwotest; but I'ww give you a pottwe of buwnt 
sack to give me wecouwse to him, and teww him *looks away* my nyame is 
Bwook-onwy fow a jest. 
HOST. M-My hand, buwwy; >_< thou shawt ;;w;; have *cries* egwess a-and wegwess- 
said I weww?-and thy nyame shaww *blushes* be B-Bwook. It *pokes you* is a *cuddles you* mewwy 
knyight. Wiww you g-go, Mynheews? 
*giggles shyly* SHAWWOW. OwO Have with you, minye host. 
PAGE. *giggles shyly* I *leans over* have heawd t-the Fwenchman hath *shuffles closer* good skiww i-in his 
w-wapiew. 
SHAWWOW. Tut, siw, *screams* I couwd have towd you mowe. In ^.^ these 
times you stand on d-distance, *shuffles closer* youw passes, stoccadoes, and 
I k-knyow nyot what. *teleports behind you* 'Tis the *twerks* heawt, Mastew Page; 'tis *blushes* hewe, 
'tis h-hewe. I h-have seen the time *sighs* with my wong swowd I-I wouwd 
have made you f-fouw *twerks* taww fewwows skip wike wats. 
H-HOST. >_> Hewe, boys, hewe, hewe! S-Shaww we wag? 
PAGE. H-Have with you. I-I had wathew heaw t-them scowd than 
fight. E-Exeunt aww but FOWD 
FOWD. Though Page *screams* be a secuwe foow, and stands so fiwmwy on 
his wife's f-fwaiwty, yet >w< I c-cannyot put off my opinyion s-so 
*shuffles closer* easiwy. She was in h-his company >w< at Page's h-house, and w-what 
they m-made thewe I *looks away* knyow nyot. Weww, I wiww *cuddles you* wook fuwthew into 
x3 't, a-and I have a disguise to sound Fawstaff. If I *looks at you* find hew 
*looks away* honyest, I w-wose n-nyot m-my wabouw; if s-she be othewwise, 'tis xDD wabouw 
w-weww bestowed. Exit 




S-SCENyE *cuddles you* 2. 

*cries* A woom in the Gawtew Inn 

Entew FAWSTAFF a-and PISTOW 

F-FAWSTAFF. I wiww nyot >_< wend thee a penny. 
PISTOW. I wiww *shuffles closer* wetowt the sum in equipage. 
FAWSTAFF. Nyot a p-penny. 
P-PISTOW. *cuddles you* Why, then t-the ^-^ wowwd's minye *screams* oystew. Which I *hugs tightly* with 
swowd wiww open. 
FAWSTAFF. N-Nyot uWu a penny. I uWu have been content, siw, you shouwd 
way m-my countenyance to pawn. I-I have gwated upon *cries* my g-good 
f-fwiends f-fow thwee wepwieves fow y-you and youw c-coach-fewwow, 
Nym; ow ^w^ ewse y-you had wook'd thwough the gwate, wike a 
geminy of ^w^ baboons. I am *sighs* damn'd in heww OwO fow sweawing to 
gentwemen my fwiends you wewe good sowdiews and taww fewwows; 
and when Mistwess OwO Bwidget wost the handwe of hew fan, 
>w< I took *blushes* 't upon minye *giggles shyly* honyouw thou hadst it nyot. 
PISTOW. Didst nyot thou s-shawe? Hadst thou nyot fifteen pence? 
F-FAWSTAFF. Weason, you wogue, weason. Think'st thou I'ww 
endangew m-my souw *cries* gwatis? At a w-wowd, hang nyo mowe about me, 
I am nyo gibbet fow you. Go-a showt knyife and a-a thwong!- 
to youw manyow of Pickt-hatch; x3 go. You'ww nyot beaw a wettew 
fow me, you wogue! You stand upon y-youw honyouw! Why, 
thou unconfinyabwe b-basenyess, it is as much *hugs tightly* as I can do to 
keep the tewms of my honyouw pwecise. I, I, I mysewf 
sometimes, weaving the feaw of God on the weft hand, and hiding 
minye h-honyouw in my nyecessity, am *twerks* fain x3 to shuffwe, to h-hedge, 
and to wuwch; and x3 yet you, wogue, *teleports behind you* wiww ensconce xDD youw *cuddles you* wags, 
y-youw cat-a-mountain wooks, youw wed-wattice *cries* phwases, and 
youw bowd-beating oaths, u-undew the shewtew of youw honyouw! 
You wiww nyot do it, you! 
PISTOW. I d-do wewent; w-what wouwd thou mowe of man? 

*looks at you* Entew W-WOBIN 

WOBIN. Siw, hewe's a woman w-wouwd speak with you. 
FAWSTAFF. W-Wet ^w^ hew appwoach. 

Entew MISTWESS *sweats* QUICKWY 

*sweats* QUICKWY. Give youw wowship good mowwow. 
FAWSTAFF. *blushes* Good mowwow, good w-wife. 
QUICKWY. Nyot so, an't pwease youw w-wowship. 
FAWSTAFF. G-Good maid, then. 
QUICKWY. I'ww be swown; 
As *sweats* my mothew was, the fiwst houw I was b-bown. 
FAWSTAFF. I do b-bewieve the sweawew. What with *leans over* me? 
QUICKWY. Shaww I-I vouchsafe >_> youw w-wowship a wowd ow >w< two? 
>w< FAWSTAFF. Two t-thousand, f-faiw w-woman; and I'ww v-vouchsafe 
thee the heawing. 
QUICKWY. Thewe is onye Mistwess Fowd, siw-I pway, c-come a wittwe 
n-nyeawew this ways. I-I m-mysewf dweww with Mastew Doctow 
Caius. 
FAWSTAFF. Weww, on: Mistwess Fowd, y-you say- 
QUICKWY. Youw w-wowship says vewy twue. I pway youw wowship 
come a wittwe nyeawew this ways. 
FAWSTAFF. I *cries* wawwant thee nyobody h-heaws-minye own peopwe, 
minye own peopwe. 
QUICKWY. Awe t-they so? God bwess *looks away* them, and make them *notices bulge* his 
*looks at you* sewvants! 
FAWSTAFF. Weww; Mistwess Fowd, what *sighs* of hew? 
QUICKWY. W-Why, s-siw, she's a good cweatuwe. *giggles shyly* Wowd, W-Wowd, youw 
wowship's a wanton! Weww, h-heaven fowgive you, and aww of 
us, I OwO pway. 
FAWSTAFF. Mistwess F-Fowd; ^.^ come, Mistwess Fowd- 
QUICKWY. *giggles shyly* Mawwy, this is t-the showt and the *screams* wong of it: UwU you 
have bwought hew into such a-a canyawies as 'tis *giggles shyly* wondewfuw. 
The b-best couwtiew of them a-aww, when the couwt way at Windsow, 
*looks at you* couwd nyevew have bwought h-hew to *sweats* such a canyawy. Yet 
thewe has been knyights, a-and wowds, and gentwemen, with 
t-theiw coaches; I wawwant you, coach a-aftew coach, wettew aftew 
wettew, gift aftew *moans* gift; smewwing s-so *moans* sweetwy, a-aww musk, a-and so 
*leans over* wushwing, I wawwant you, *moans* in siwk UwU and g-gowd; and in such awwigant 
tewms; *giggles shyly* and in such winye and sugaw >_> of the best and the 
faiwest, that ;;w;; wouwd h-have won any w-woman's heawt; a-and I 
wawwant you, they couwd nyevew get an eye-wink of hew. 
I had mysewf t-twenty *looks at you* angews given me this ;;w;; mownying; *hugs tightly* but I-I 
defy aww angews, in any such sowt, a-as t-they say, but in the 
way of h-honyesty; and, I wawwant you, they couwd nyevew *shuffles closer* get 
hew so much as sip on a cup with the ^.^ pwoudest of them aww; 
and yet *looks away* thewe has been eawws, nyay, which is mowe, 
pensionyews; b-but, I wawwant you, aww is onye *leans over* with hew. 
FAWSTAFF. But what says she to me? Be *twerks* bwief, my good she- 
*cuddles you* Mewcuwy. 
Q-QUICKWY. Mawwy, she hath weceiv'd *notices bulge* youw wettew; fow the 
which she thanks you a thousand :33 times; a-and she gives you 
to UwU nyotify that hew husband w-wiww b-be a-absence fwom ;;w;; his h-house 
between ten and eweven. 
FAWSTAFF. T-Ten *hugs tightly* and >_< eweven? 
QUICKWY. Ay, fowsooth; and then you may come and see 
the p-pictuwe, she ^-^ says, that you wot of. M-Mastew Fowd, hew 
*twerks* husband, w-wiww b-be fwom *cries* home. Awas, the sweet *moans* woman weads 
an iww wife with him! He's a vewy xDD jeawousy *notices bulge* man; she weads *screams* a 
vewy fwampowd w-wife with him, g-good heawt. 
F-FAWSTAFF. Ten and eweven. Woman, commend me to hew; I 
wiww n-nyot faiw hew. 
QUICKWY. Why, you say weww. But I h-have anyothew messengew 
to youw wowship. Mistwess *leans over* Page hath hew heawty commendations 
to you too; a-and wet me teww *looks at you* you in youw eaw, she's as 
fawtuous a civiw modest wife, and onye, I teww you, that wiww 
nyot >_> miss you mownying nyow evenying pwayew, as any is in 
W-Windsow, whoe'ew be the othew; and >w< she bade me t-teww youw 
wowship that hew husband is *leans over* sewdom *blushes* fwom home, but she 
hopes thewe *leans over* wiww come a time. I nyevew knyew a w-woman so 
*cuddles you* dote upon a man: s-suwewy I think y-you have chawms, wa! Yes, 
in twuth. 
*cuddles you* FAWSTAFF. N-Nyot *teleports behind you* I, *shuffles closer* I assuwe t-thee; setting the *cuddles you* attwaction of my 
good p-pawts aside, I-I have nyo othew chawms. 
:33 QUICKWY. Bwessing on *hugs tightly* youw heawt fow 't! 
FAWSTAFF. But, I-I pway t-thee, teww me this: has Fowd's wife and 
Page's wife acquainted *shuffles closer* each othew ;;w;; how they wove me? 
QUICKWY. *blushes* That wewe ;;w;; a jest indeed! They ;;w;; have nyot so wittwe 
gwace, I hope-that w-wewe a twick indeed! But Mistwess Page 
wouwd *shuffles closer* desiwe you *pokes you* to send hew youw wittwe page of aww woves. 
Hew husband has a mawvewwous *moans* infection to the wittwe page; 
and *screams* twuwy Mastew Page is an honyest man. Nyevew *cries* a wife in 
Windsow weads a bettew wife than she does; :33 do what she wiww, 
say what she wiww, t-take aww, pay *sweats* aww, go >_> to bed when ^-^ she 
wist, wise when UwU she wist, *sweats* aww is *teleports behind you* as she wiww; and twuwy she 
d-desewves it; fow if thewe be a kind woman in Windsow, *moans* she 
is o-onye. You m-must send hew youw page; nyo w-wemedy. 
FAWSTAFF. Why, *screams* I *cries* wiww. 
QUICKWY. N-Nyay, ^w^ but d-do ;;w;; so t-then; and, wook you, he m-may come 
and go between y-you both; and in >_> any case *notices bulge* have a 
*notices bulge* nyay-wowd, that you may knyow onye anyothew's mind, *giggles shyly* and *cries* the boy 
^-^ nyevew >_> nyeed to undewstand any ^w^ thing; fow 'tis nyot good that 
chiwdwen shouwd knyow any wickednyess. Owd fowks, you 
knyow, have discwetion, a-as they say, and knyow the wowwd. 
FAWSTAFF. Fawe t-thee weww; c-commend me to them both. 
Thewe's my puwse; I am yet thy debtow. Boy, go awong with 
this woman. [Exeunt Q-QUICKWY and *looks away* WOBIN] *shuffles closer* This nyews 
distwacts me. 
PISTOW. [Aside] x3 This punk ^-^ is onye o-of Cupid's cawwiews; 
Cwap *sweats* on mowe saiws; puwsue; u-up with youw fights; 
G-Give fiwe; she is my pwize, o-ow *twerks* ocean whewm them aww! Exit 
FAWSTAFF. Say'st thou so, owd Jack; go thy ways; I'ww m-make 
mowe of thy ^w^ owd b-body than I :33 have donye. W-Wiww they *hugs tightly* yet wook 
aftew thee? Wiwt thou, aftew the expense *twerks* of UwU so much *blushes* monyey, 
be nyow a-a gainyew? Good body, I-I thank thee. Wet them say 
;;w;; 'tis >_< gwosswy donye; so it be faiwwy donye, nyo mattew. 

E-Entew BAWDOWPH 

BAWDOWPH. Siw *looks away* John, thewe's onye Mastew Bwook bewow wouwd 
fain speak with you, and be acquainted *giggles shyly* with you; and hath 
sent youw wowship a moming's dwaught >_> of sack. 
FAWSTAFF. >w< Bwook *pokes you* is his nyame? 
*hugs tightly* BAWDOWPH. Ay, siw. 
FAWSTAFF. Caww h-him in. [Exit BAWDOWPH] ;;w;; Such Bwooks a-awe 
w-wewcome to me, that o'ewfwows such wiquow. *screams* Ah, ha! Mistwess 
Fowd *moans* and *looks away* Mistwess Page, have I encompass'd you? Go t-to; 
via! 

W-We-entew BAWDOWPH, w-with FOWD disguised 

FOWD. Bwess you, ;;w;; siw! 
x3 FAWSTAFF. *giggles shyly* And y-you, siw! Wouwd you speak *blushes* with m-me? 
FOWD. I m-make bowd to pwess with so wittwe pwepawation upon 
you. 
FAWSTAFF. You'we wewcome. What's OwO youw wiww? uWu Give u-us weave, 
d-dwawew. Exit B-BAWDOWPH 
FOWD. Siw, I am a g-gentweman t-that have spent much; m-my nyame 
*twerks* is Bwook. 
FAWSTAFF. Good uWu Mastew Bwook, I desiwe mowe acquaintance 
of you. 
FOWD. Good Siw John, I sue fow ;;w;; youws-nyot to chawge you; fow I 
*twerks* must wet you *leans over* undewstand I *cries* think mysewf in bettew pwight *sweats* fow 
a wendew than you awe; the which h-hath something 
embowd'nyed me to this u-unseason'd intwusion; fow they say, i-if 
m-monyey g-go befowe, aww ways do wie open. 
FAWSTAFF. Monyey ^w^ is a *pokes you* good sowdiew, siw, and wiww on. 
FOWD. Twoth, and I have a bag of monyey hewe twoubwes me; if 
you wiww hewp to beaw it, *screams* Siw John, take aww, ow hawf, fow >w< easing 
me of the *pokes you* cawwiage. 
FAWSTAFF. Siw, I-I knyow nyot xDD how I may desewve >_> to be youw 
powtew. 
*looks away* FOWD. I wiww teww y-you, siw, if you wiww give me the heawing. 
FAWSTAFF. Speak, good Mastew Bwook; I shaww be gwad to be 
youw sewvant. 
FOWD. Siw, I heaw you awe a schowaw-I wiww be ;;w;; bwief with you 
-and x3 you ^w^ have *looks at you* been a man wong knyown to me, though I 
had nyevew so good means as desiwe to make mysewf acquainted 
with you. I shaww discovew a thing to you, whewein 
I must vewy much way open minye own impewfection; UwU but, 
g-good Siw John, as you h-have onye eye *shuffles closer* upon >_> my fowwies, as you 
h-heaw t-them unfowded, t-tuwn anyothew into the wegistew of youw 
*cuddles you* own, that I may pass with a-a wepwoof the ^.^ easiew, sith you 
>_> youwsewf k-knyow x3 how easy is i-it t-to be such an offendew. 
FAWSTAFF. Vewy weww, siw; pwoceed. 
FOWD. Thewe is a gentwewoman in this t-town, hew husband's 
nyame is Fowd. 
*cuddles you* FAWSTAFF. Weww, siw. 
FOWD. I have *twerks* wong wov'd hew, and, I pwotest to you, bestowed 
much on hew; fowwowed hew *cuddles you* with *leans over* a doting obsewvance; 
e-engwoss'd oppowtunyities t-to meet h-hew; fee'd evewy swight occasion 
that x3 couwd but nyiggawdwy give me sight of hew; nyot 
onwy bought many *looks at you* pwesents t-to give hew, but have g-given 
wawgewy *teleports behind you* to m-many to knyow what she wouwd have given; 
bwiefwy, I-I have puwsu'd hew as wove hath puwsued me; w-which 
hath been *leans over* on the wing of aww occasions. But whatsoevew I 
have mewited, eithew in m-my *hugs tightly* mind ow *cries* in my means, meed, I 
am suwe, I have w-weceived nyonye, unwess expewience be a j-jewew; 
that I have puwchased at an infinyite wate, *cuddles you* and that h-hath 
taught *notices bulge* me to say this: 
'Wove *cuddles you* wike a s-shadow fwies w-when substance wove puwsues; 
Puwsuing that that f-fwies, *sighs* and fwying w-what puwsues.' 
FAWSTAFF. Have y-you weceiv'd nyo pwomise *sighs* of satisfaction >_< at 
hew hands? 
FOWD. Nyevew. 
FAWSTAFF. Have you *pokes you* impowtun'd hew to such a puwpose? 
FOWD. Nyevew. 
FAWSTAFF. :3 Of what q-quawity was youw wove, then? 
*cries* FOWD. Wike a faiw house buiwt on anyothew man's gwound; so 
that *leans over* I have wost my x3 edifice by mistaking t-the pwace whewe 
*looks away* ewected *cuddles you* it. 
FAWSTAFF. To what puwpose have you unfowded this to me? 
x3 FOWD. When I h-have towd you that, I have towd you aww. Some 
say that though she appeaw honyest *screams* to me, yet i-in othew 
pwaces she enwawgeth ^-^ hew *sweats* miwth so ^.^ faw *sweats* that thewe i-is *giggles shyly* shwewd 
constwuction made of hew. Nyow, S-Siw John, hewe is the heawt 
of my puwpose: you awe a *looks at you* gentweman of excewwent 
bweeding, a-admiwabwe discouwse, of gweat *sighs* admittance, authentic in 
youw >_> pwace and xDD pewson, g-genyewawwy awwow'd xDD fow youw many 
*leans over* waw-wike, couwtwike, ^w^ and weawnyed pwepawations. 
FAWSTAFF. *sweats* O, siw! 
FOWD. Bewieve it, fow ;;w;; you knyow it. Thewe is monyey; spend it, 
spend *pokes you* it; spend mowe; spend aww I have; onwy give me so 
much xDD of youw time in *moans* exchange of it as to way an amiabwe 
siege t-to the honyesty of this Fowd's wife; use youw awt of 
wooing, win h-hew to consent to *looks at you* you; if any man m-may, *shuffles closer* you 
may as ^-^ soon *sighs* as any. 
FAWSTAFF. W-Wouwd *hugs tightly* it appwy weww t-to the vehemency of youw 
affection, t-that I shouwd win what you wouwd enjoy? 
Methinks you pwescwibe to youwsewf vewy pwepostewouswy. 
F-FOWD. >_< O, undewstand UwU my d-dwift. *cries* She dwewws so secuwewy on *notices bulge* the 
excewwency of hew honyouw that the fowwy of my souw dawes 
nyot pwesent ^-^ itsewf; she is too bwight to be wook'd against. 
N-Nyow, couwd I come to hew with any detection in my hand, 
my desiwes had instance and awgument UwU to c-commend themsewves; 
uWu I couwd dwive hew then fwom the w-wawd ^-^ of hew puwity, 
>w< hew *twerks* weputation, hew mawwiage vow, and *looks at you* a thousand othew h-hew 
defences, which nyow awe too too stwongwy embattw'd against 
me. What say you to't, S-Siw *hugs tightly* John? 
FAWSTAFF. Mastew Bwook, I wiww fiwst make bowd with youw 
monyey; nyext, give me youw hand; and wast, as I am a gentweman, 
you shaww, if you :33 wiww, enjoy Fowd's wife. 
FOWD. O good *sweats* siw! 
FAWSTAFF. I s-say y-you shaww. 
FOWD. Want OwO nyo monyey, Siw John; you shaww want nyonye. 
F-FAWSTAFF. W-Want xDD nyo Mistwess Fowd, Mastew Bwook; you shaww 
want n-nyonye. I-I shaww *moans* be with h-hew, I-I *giggles shyly* may teww you, by hew own 
appointment; even as *looks at you* you came in to me ^w^ hew assistant, ow 
*cuddles you* go-between, *sighs* pawted fwom me; I say xDD I shaww be with hew between 
ten and eweven; *cuddles you* fow at that time *blushes* the jeawous wascawwy 
knyave, *notices bulge* hew husband, wiww be *moans* fowth. Come you to me at 
;;w;; nyight; y-you shaww k-knyow how I speed. 
FOWD. I UwU am bwest in youw acquaintance. Do ^-^ you knyow >_< Fowd, 
S-Siw? 
FAWSTAFF. Hang him, poow cuckowdwy knyave! I knyow him 
nyot; *sweats* yet I wwong him *pokes you* to caww him poow; they say the 
UwU jeawous wittowwy knyave hath masses of m-monyey; UwU fow the w-which 
his OwO wife seems *teleports behind you* to me weww-favouw'd. I *looks away* wiww use hew as t-the 
key :3 of the >w< cuckowdwy w-wogue's coffew; uWu and *pokes you* thewe's my hawvest-home. 
FOWD. I wouwd you knyew *hugs tightly* Fowd, siw, that you might avoid him 
if y-you saw him. 
FAWSTAFF. Hang h-him, *giggles shyly* mechanyicaw sawt-buttew *hugs tightly* wogue! I-I wiww 
s-stawe h-him out *shuffles closer* of his wits; ^w^ I wiww *sweats* awe him with my cudgew; 
i-it shaww hang w-wike *twerks* a meteow *sweats* o'ew the cuckowd's howns. Mastew 
Bwook, thou ^-^ shawt knyow I w-wiww pwedominyate ovew the 
peasant, a-and thou shawt wie with *pokes you* his w-wife. Come to me soon at 
nyight. *sweats* Fowd's a knyave, and I wiww aggwavate his stywe; thou, 
Mastew Bwook, shawt *pokes you* knyow him fow knyave and cuckowd. 
Come *pokes you* to me soon *screams* at nyight. Exit 
FOWD. What a damn'd Epicuwean w-wascaw is this! My h-heawt is 
weady to cwack with impatience. Who ^-^ says ;;w;; this is impwovident 
jeawousy? *giggles shyly* My wife hath s-sent to him; *screams* the houw x3 is fix'd; 
the match is made. Wouwd *looks away* any man have thought t-this? See 
the ^w^ heww of having a f-fawse woman! My b-bed shaww be abus'd, 
my coffews wansack'd, my weputation gnyawn at; and I-I shaww 
*cuddles you* nyot o-onwy weceive this viwwainyous wwong, but stand undew the 
adoption *cries* of abominyabwe tewms, and b-by him *teleports behind you* that does OwO me 
this wwong. Tewms! n-nyames! xDD Amaimon sounds weww; Wucifew, 
weww; Bawbason, weww; OwO yet they awe :3 deviws' *sighs* additions, the nyames 
of uWu fiends. But cuckowd! *leans over* Wittow! Cuckowd! ^w^ the deviw himsewf 
hath *moans* nyot ^.^ such a nyame. Page is an *leans over* ass, a secuwe ass; he wiww twust 
UwU his wife; he wiww nyot *sweats* be jeawous; *blushes* I wiww wathew twust a Fweming 
with my b-buttew, Pawson Hugh the Wewshman *pokes you* with my 
cheese, an Iwishman with my aqua-vitae bottwe, ow a t-thief to 
wawk my *giggles shyly* ambwing gewding, than my wife with *shuffles closer* hewsewf. Then 
x3 she pwots, OwO then ^-^ she w-wuminyates, :33 then ^-^ she devises; and what 
they think in theiw heawts *shuffles closer* they may effect, they wiww bweak 
theiw *leans over* heawts but they wiww effect. God be pwais'd fow my 
jeawousy! Eweven o'cwock the houw. I wiww pwevent this, detect 
my wife, be weveng'd on F-Fawstaff, *notices bulge* and waugh *blushes* at Page. 
I wiww about it; bettew thwee houws too soon than a minyute 
too wate. F-Fie, *shuffles closer* fie, fie! c-cuckowd! cuckowd! cuckowd! *giggles shyly* Exit 




SCENyE 3. 

*giggles shyly* A fiewd nyeaw Windsow 

x3 Entew CAIUS and WUGBY 

CAIUS. Jack Wugby! 
WUGBY. Siw? 
CAIUS. Vat is de cwock, Jack? 
WUGBY. 'Tis past the houw, siw, that Siw H-Hugh pwomis'd to 
meet. 
CAIUS. By gaw, he has save his souw dat he i-is nyo come; OwO he has 
pway his Pibwe weww dat he is nyo come; *sighs* by gaw, Jack Wugby, 
*sweats* he i-is dead awweady, if he be come. 
WUGBY. He is w-wise, siw; he knyew youw w-wowship wouwd kiww 
him if he c-came. 
CAIUS. B-By gaw, ^w^ de hewwing is nyo dead ;;w;; so as I viww k-kiww him. Take 
youw *pokes you* wapiew, Jack; I x3 viww teww :3 you how I viww kiww him. 
WUGBY. Awas, siw, I cannyot fence! 
CAIUS. Viwwainy, take youw wapiew. 
WUGBY. Fowbeaw; hewe's company. 

Entew HOST, SHAWWOW, x3 SWENDEW, and PAGE 

HOST. Bwess *twerks* thee, buwwy doctow! 
S-SHAWWOW. Save you, Mastew Doctow Caius! 
PAGE. Nyow, good :3 Mastew Doctow! 
SWENDEW. Give *notices bulge* you good mowwow, *cuddles you* siw. 
*sighs* CAIUS. Vat b-be a-aww x3 you, onye, two, twee, fouw, come fow? 
H-HOST. To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to *moans* see thee twavewse; 
to see t-thee *looks at you* hewe, t-to see thee thewe; to see thee pass thy 
punto, thy stock, thy wevewse, thy *looks away* distance, thy montant. 
Is :3 he dead, my Ethiopian? Is he dead, my Fwancisco? Ha, 
*teleports behind you* buwwy! What says m-my A-Aescuwapius? my Gawen? my heawt 
of ewdew? >_< Ha! is he dead, buwwy s-stawe? Is >_> he dead? 
C-CAIUS. By gaw, he >_< is x3 de c-cowawd Jack pwiest of *twerks* de wowwd; he *teleports behind you* is 
nyot show his :3 face. 
HOST. Thou awt a Castawion-King-Uwinyaw. *looks at you* Hectow o-of Gweece, 
my x3 boy! 
CAIUS. *shuffles closer* I p-pway y-you, beaw witnyess that me have stay six o-ow 
seven, two twee houws fow him, and h-he is nyo come. 
SHAWWOW. He i-is the >_< wisew man, Mastew D-Doctow: he is a c-cuwew 
o-of souws, and y-you *cuddles you* a cuwew of bodies; if you shouwd fight, 
UwU you g-go against t-the haiw of youw pwofessions. Is it >_> nyot >w< twue, 
Mastew Page? 
PAGE. Mastew Shawwow, you have youwsewf been a-a gweat fightew, 
though n-nyow a man of peace. 
SHAWWOW. Bodykins, Mastew Page, though I nyow be o-owd, a-and 
of the peace, i-if I see a swowd out, >w< my fingew itches to make 
*shuffles closer* onye. Though w-we awe justices, and doctows, and ^-^ chuwchmen, 
Mastew Page, we h-have s-some sawt of >_< ouw youth *twerks* in us; we awe 
the *giggles shyly* sons of women, Mastew Page. 
PAGE. 'Tis :33 twue, Mastew *cries* Shawwow. 
SHAWWOW. It wiww :33 be *giggles shyly* found so, M-Mastew Page. Mastew D-Doctow 
:3 CAIUS, I *screams* come to fetch >_> you home. I am swown of the peace; 
you have show'd youwsewf a *hugs tightly* wise >_> physician, and Siw Hugh 
h-hath shown himsewf a *pokes you* wise uWu and patient chuwchman. You 
*sweats* must go *shuffles closer* with me, Mastew *screams* Doctow. 
HOST. Pawdon, Guest Justice. A wowd, Mounseuw Mockwatew. 
CAIUS. Mock-vatew! Vat is dat? 
HOST. Mockwatew, *sighs* in ouw Engwish tongue, is vawouw, buwwy. 
CAIUS. ^-^ By gaw, *looks away* then I have as much mockvatew as de Engwishman. 
Scuwvy jack-dog pwiest! By gaw, me viww cut his eaws. 
HOST. H-He wiww >_< cwappew-cwaw thee tightwy, buwwy. 
CAIUS. C-Cwappew-de-cwaw! Vat *pokes you* is d-dat? 
HOST. That is, he wiww make thee a-amends. 
CAIUS. By g-gaw, m-me do wook he shaww c-cwappew-de-cwaw me; fow, 
by gaw, m-me viww have it. 
^-^ HOST. And I wiww OwO pwovoke him to't, ow *looks away* wet him wag. 
C-CAIUS. Me tank y-you fow dat. 
HOST. And, moweovew, buwwy-but fiwst: [Aside to the othews] 
Mastew Guest, and Mastew Page, and e-eke Cavaweiwo Swendew, 
go you *blushes* thwough the town to Fwogmowe. 
*leans over* PAGE. [Aside] Siw Hugh is thewe, is he? 
HOST. [Aside] *moans* He i-is thewe. *looks away* See what humouw he is in; and 
I wiww bwing the doctow about by the fiewds. W-Wiww it do weww? 
SHAWWOW. [Aside] We wiww d-do *cuddles you* it. 
PAGE, SHAWWOW, and SWENDEW. Adieu, good Mastew Doctow. 
Exeunt PAGE, SHAWWOW, a-and S-SWENDEW 
CAIUS. By gaw, me viww kiww de pwiest; fow he speak fow a jack- 
an-ape to Annye Page. 
HOST. Wet him die. Sheathe *giggles shyly* thy impatience; thwow cowd watew 
on thy chowew; go about the *cuddles you* fiewds with *moans* me thwough Fwogmowe; 
I-I *looks away* wiww bwing thee whewe >_> Mistwess *moans* Annye Page is, at a a 
fawm-house, a-feasting; and thou s-shawt woo hew. Cwied 
game! Said I weww? 
CAIUS. By g-gaw, me dank you vow x3 dat; by *notices bulge* gaw, I w-wove *teleports behind you* you; and 
I shaww pwocuwe-a you ^.^ de good guest, de eaww, de knyight, de 
wowds, de gentwemen, my patients. 
*cuddles you* HOST. Fow the *blushes* which I wiww be thy advewsawy :3 towawd Annye 
Page. Said I weww? 
CAIUS. By >_> gaw, 'tis good; *notices bulge* veww said. 
HOST. Wet us wag, *pokes you* then. 
CAIUS. Come a-at my heews, Jack uWu Wugby. Exeunt 




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ACT III SCENyE 1. 

A fiewd nyeaw >_> Fwogmowe 

Entew SIW HUGH EVANS and SIMPWE 

EVANS. I *sweats* pway you nyow, g-good Mastew Swendew's UwU sewving-man, 
uWu and fwiend Simpwe by *cries* youw n-nyame, *moans* which *cuddles you* way have you 
wook'd fow M-Mastew ^-^ Caius, that cawws himsewf Doctow of 
Physic? 
SIMPWE. Mawwy, siw, the pittie-wawd, the pawk-wawd; *blushes* evewy 
way; owd Windsow way, and evewy way *hugs tightly* but t-the town way. 
EVANS. ^.^ I most fehementwy desiwe you you w-wiww awso wook x3 that 
*leans over* way. 
SIMPWE. ^-^ I wiww, Siw. Exit 
E-EVANS. P-Pwess *notices bulge* my souw, how f-fuww of ;;w;; chowwows I am, a-and twempwing 
*teleports behind you* of mind! *shuffles closer* I shaww be gwad i-if he have deceived me. H-How 
*pokes you* mewanchowies *sweats* I am! I wiww k-knyog his uwinyaws about his knyave's 
c-costawd *pokes you* when I have *teleports behind you* goot oppowtunyities fow the owk. P-Pwess 
my souw! [Sings] 
>_< To ^-^ shawwow wivews, to whose *screams* fawws 
Mewodious biwds sings madwigaws; 
*pokes you* Thewe wiww *twerks* we make ouw peds of woses, 
And a thousand fwagwant posies. 
To shawwow- 
Mewcy on me! I have a gweat UwU dispositions to cwy. ^-^ [Sings] 
Mewodious biwds s-sing madwigaws- 
Whenyas I sat in Pabywon- 
And >_< a t-thousand vagwam posies. 
To shawwow, etc. 

*shuffles closer* We-entew SIMPWE 

SIMPWE. Yondew h-he is, coming this way, Siw Hugh. 
EVANS. He's *giggles shyly* wewcome. [Sings] 
To s-shawwow wivews, to whose fawws- 
Heaven OwO pwospew x3 the wight! *sweats* What weapons i-is he? 
SIMPWE. Nyo weapons, siw. *sighs* Thewe comes my mastew, Mastew 
Shawwow, *teleports behind you* and anyothew gentweman, fwom F-Fwogmowe, ovew t-the 
stiwe, this way. 
EVANS. Pway y-you give me my gown; ow ewse keep it x3 in youw 
*sweats* awms. [Takes out a b-book] 

Entew PAGE, S-SHAWWOW, and SWENDEW 

SHAWWOW. How nyow, Mastew Pawson! Good mowwow, uWu good 
Siw Hugh. Keep a gamestew *moans* fwom the dice, and *blushes* a good student 
f-fwom his *hugs tightly* book, and it is wondewfuw. 
:3 SWENDEW. *cries* [Aside] Ah, s-sweet Annye Page! 
PAGE. Save you, g-good Siw Hugh! 
EVANS. Pwess you fwom his mewcy sake, aww of you! 
SHAWWOW. What, the swowd and the wowd! Do you *giggles shyly* study 
them both, Mastew Pawson? 
PAGE. And youthfuw stiww, in youw d-doubwet and hose, this w-waw 
wheumatic day! 
EVANS. Thewe ^.^ is weasons and *giggles shyly* causes fow it. 
PAGE. *shuffles closer* We awe come to *notices bulge* you to *looks at you* do a good *sighs* office, Mastew 
Pawson. 
xDD EVANS. Fewy weww; what is it? 
PAGE. Yondew is a most wevewend gentweman, who, bewike having 
weceived wwong b-by some pewson, *cuddles you* is at most odds with 
his own *sighs* gwavity and patience that evew you saw. 
SHAWWOW. I have wived fouwscowe yeaws and upwawd; I nyevew 
heawd *giggles shyly* a man of his pwace, gwavity, and weawnying, so *sighs* wide of 
his own uWu wespect. 
:33 EVANS. What is he? 
*blushes* PAGE. I think you *moans* knyow ^w^ him: Mastew Doctow Caius, ^-^ the 
wenyownyed Fwench physician. 
EVANS. Got's wiww and his p-passion of my heawt! I had a-as wief 
you wouwd teww *twerks* me o-of a mess of powwidge. 
:3 PAGE. W-Why? 
*cries* EVANS. He has n-nyo mowe knyowwedge in Hibocwates and 
Gawen, uWu and he is a knyave b-besides-a *pokes you* cowawdwy knyave as you 
wouwd desiwes to be acquainted withaw. 
PAGE. I wawwant you, ^-^ he's the man shouwd fight *pokes you* with *moans* him. 
SWENDEW. [Aside] O sweet A-Annye *leans over* Page! 
SHAWWOW. It appeaws so, by his weapons. *looks at you* Keep them OwO asundew; 
hewe comes :33 Doctow Caius. 

*twerks* Entew HOST, CAIUS, and WUGBY 

*moans* PAGE. Nyay, good Mastew Pawson, keep in youw weapon. 
SHAWWOW. So do you, g-good Mastew Doctow. 
:33 HOST. *moans* Disawm them, and wet OwO them q-question; wet them keep 
theiw wimbs whowe *notices bulge* and hack ouw *teleports behind you* Engwish. 
CAIUS. I pway you, wet-a me speak a wowd with youw eaw. 
V-Vewefowe wiww you nyot meet-a me? 
E-EVANS. [Aside to CAIUS] ^w^ Pway you use youw patience; in 
good time. 
CAIUS. B-By :3 gaw, y-you awe de cowawd, UwU de J-Jack dog, John ape. 
EVANS. *looks at you* [Aside to CAIUS] Pway you, wet us n-nyot b-be 
waughing-stocks t-to othew men's humouws; I d-desiwe y-you in 
*blushes* fwiendship, and I wiww o-onye w-way *looks at you* ow othew make you amends. 
[Awoud] I wiww knyog *hugs tightly* youw :3 uwinyaws *teleports behind you* about *screams* youw knyave's cogscomb 
f-fow missing youw meetings and appointments. 
CAIUS. Diabwe! :33 Jack Wugby-minye Host *teleports behind you* de Jawteew-have I 
n-nyot *shuffles closer* stay >_< fow him to kiww >_> him? H-Have I n-nyot, at de pwace I did 
appoint? 
E-EVANS. As I a-am a Chwistians souw, nyow, wook you, this is the 
pwace appointed. I'ww be judgment by *looks at you* minye host of the 
G-Gawtew. 
HOST. Peace, I s-say, G-Gawwia and G-Gauw, Fwench and Wewsh, 
souw-cuwew and body-cuwew. 
CAIUS. Ay, dat i-is *moans* vewy good! excewwent! 
HOST. *moans* Peace, I ;;w;; say. Heaw minye host of the Gawtew. Am *shuffles closer* I 
powitic? am I s-subtwe? am I a Machiavew? S-Shaww I-I w-wose my 
doctow? Nyo; he gives me x3 the potions and the motions. Shaww I-I 
wose my pawson, my p-pwiest, my Siw Hugh? Nyo; he gives me 
the pwovewbs a-and the n-nyovewbs. Give me t-thy hand, tewwestwiaw; 
*blushes* so. Give me thy hand, cewestiaw; so. Boys *sighs* of awt, I have 
deceiv'd you both; I-I have diwected y-you to w-wwong pwaces; 
youw heawts awe mighty, youw skins awe whowe, a-and wet buwnt 
sack be the i-issue. C-Come, way theiw swowds to pawn. Fowwow 
me, w-wads of peace; fowwow, *blushes* fowwow, fowwow. 
SHAWWOW. Twust *blushes* me, a-a *looks away* mad h-host. Fowwow, gentwemen, *blushes* fowwow. 
^-^ SWENDEW. [Aside] O-O sweet :33 Annye Page! 
Exeunt *leans over* aww but CAIUS a-and EVANS 
*pokes you* CAIUS. H-Ha, do I p-pewceive dat? Have you make-a ;;w;; de sot of us, 
ha, ha? 
>w< EVANS. T-This is weww; he has made us his ;;w;; vwouting-stog. I-I 
:3 desiwe you >w< that we may be fwiends; and wet us knyog ouw p-pwains 
togethew ^-^ to be wevenge on this same scaww, scuwvy, cogging 
c-companyion, the host o-of the G-Gawtew. 
CAIUS. By gaw, with aww :33 my ^-^ heawt. He pwomise t-to *cries* bwing me 
whewe is Annye Page; b-by *looks at you* gaw, he deceive me too. 
EVANS. Weww, I wiww *looks at you* smite his nyoddwes. Pway you f-fowwow. 
*sweats* Exeunt 




<<THIS :33 EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS *shuffles closer* COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT ^.^ GUTENBEWG ETEXT *looks away* OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
*cuddles you* WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
D-DISTWIBUTED S-SO WONG AS *cries* SUCH COPIES (1) AWE *twerks* FOW YOUW O-OW *leans over* OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) ^-^ AWE NyOT *teleports behind you* DISTWIBUTED OW *sighs* USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
*notices bulge* SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW ^w^ FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



S-SCENyE 2. 

The x3 stweet in Windsow 

Entew *cries* MISTWESS PAGE and *moans* WOBIN 

M-MWS. P-PAGE. N-Nyay, keep youw way, wittwe gawwant; you wewe 
wont to b-be a f-fowwowew, but nyow OwO you a-awe a weadew. Whethew 
h-had you w-wathew wead minye eyes, o-ow eye youw mastew's heews? 
WOBIN. I-I had wathew, fowsooth, go befowe you wike a-a man than 
fowwow him wike a dwawf. 
MWS. P-PAGE. O, you awe a fwattewing boy; nyow I see you'ww *teleports behind you* be a 
*giggles shyly* couwtiew. 

Entew FOWD 

:3 FOWD. Weww met, M-Mistwess Page. Whithew go you? 
M-MWS. PAGE. Twuwy, s-siw, to >w< see youw wife. Is she at home? 
FOWD. *blushes* Ay; and *sweats* as i-idwe *teleports behind you* as she may hang t-togethew, f-fow want of 
*cries* company. I think, if youw husbands wewe dead, you two 
*screams* wouwd mawwy. 
MWS. PAGE. Be s-suwe of that-two othew husbands. 
FOWD. W-Whewe had you this *moans* pwetty weathewcock? 
MWS. PAGE. >_< I cannyot teww *blushes* what *shuffles closer* the dickens his nyame is my 
husband ^-^ had him of. What d-do y-you c-caww youw knyight's 
nyame, s-siwwah? 
WOBIN. Siw John Fawstaff. 
FOWD. Siw John Fawstaff! 
MWS. P-PAGE. He, h-he; I can nyevew hit on's nyame. Thewe is such 
a weague b-between my good man and he! Is youw wife a-at 
*looks at you* home *giggles shyly* indeed? 
FOWD. Indeed she is. 
M-MWS. PAGE. By youw weave, s-siw. I am sick tiww I see *looks away* hew. 
Exeunt MWS. PAGE and WOBIN 
FOWD. Has Page a-any bwains? Hath he any eyes? Hath he *cuddles you* any 
t-thinking? Suwe, *screams* they sweep; *blushes* he hath nyo use o-of them. Why, 
this boy w-wiww *shuffles closer* cawwy a wettew twenty miwe as easy as a cannyon 
>_< wiww shoot pointbwank twewve scowe. *pokes you* He pieces out *teleports behind you* his wife's 
incwinyation; he *cries* gives ^-^ hew fowwy motion and advantage; and 
nyow she's going t-to my *cries* wife, and Fawstaff's boy with hew. A 
man may heaw this show'w sing *notices bulge* in the wind. And F-Fawstaff's 
boy with hew! G-Good *giggles shyly* pwots! They :3 awe waid; and ouw wevowted 
wives shawe damnyation togethew. Weww; I wiww take him, 
then *sighs* towtuwe my wife, pwuck the bowwowed veiw of OwO modesty 
fwom the so seeming Mistwess Page, divuwge Page himsewf 
fow a secuwe and wiwfuw A-Actaeon; *giggles shyly* and to these viowent pwoceedings 
aww my nyeighbouws shaww cwy aim. [-[Cwock stwikes] 
The cwock gives me >_< my cue, >w< and my assuwance bids me 
seawch; thewe I shaww find Fawstaff. I-I shaww be wathew pwais'd 
fow this than mock'd; fow it is *teleports behind you* as positive as the eawth is fiwm 
that Fawstaff is thewe. I wiww go. 

Entew P-PAGE, SHAWWOW, S-SWENDEW, HOST, SIW HUGH EVANS, 
CAIUS, uWu and WUGBY 

SHAWWOW, *sighs* PAGE, &C. Weww met, *teleports behind you* Mastew Fowd. 
FOWD. T-Twust me, a good knyot; I have good cheew at home, 
and I-I *screams* pway you aww go with me. 
SHAWWOW. I must excuse mysewf, Mastew Fowd. 
SWENDEW. A-And so *moans* must I, siw; we *screams* have appointed to dinye with 
Mistwess A-Annye, and I wouwd nyot b-bweak with hew fow mowe 
monyey than I'ww speak *sighs* of. 
SHAWWOW. W-We have *moans* wingew'd about a match between Annye 
Page and my cousin Swendew, and this day *moans* we shaww h-have 
ouw answew. 
SWENDEW. I h-hope I have y-youw good wiww, :33 fathew P-Page. 
PAGE. Y-You have, Mastew Swendew; :3 I s-stand >_< whowwy fow you. But 
my wife, Mastew Doctow, i-is ^.^ fow you awtogethew. 
CAIUS. Ay, be-gaw; a-and de maid is OwO wove-a OwO me; *sighs* my nyuwsh-a 
Quickwy t-teww me so mush. 
H-HOST. What s-say you t-to young Mastew Fenton? *hugs tightly* He c-capews, 
he dances, h-he has eyes of youth, he wwites vewses, he *sweats* speaks 
h-howiday, he smewws Apwiw and May; he *teleports behind you* wiww cawwy 't, he wiww 
cawwy *leans over* 't; 'tis in his buttons; he wiww cawwy 't. 
PAGE. Nyot b-by my consent, I pwomise >_< you. The gentweman is 
of nyo having: he kept company with the wiwd Pwince and 
Poins; he is of too high ;;w;; a wegion, he knyows too much. Nyo, 
h-he shaww nyot knyit a knyot ^.^ in h-his f-fowtunyes with the *shuffles closer* fingew of 
my substance; if he *sweats* take hew, wet him take hew simpwy; t-the 
weawth I have waits on ;;w;; my consent, and my *hugs tightly* consent goes 
nyot *hugs tightly* that way. 
FOWD. I-I *blushes* beseech *shuffles closer* you, heawtiwy, some of you *teleports behind you* go home *notices bulge* with m-me 
t-to dinnyew: besides y-youw cheew, you shaww h-have spowt; I wiww 
show you a monstew. Mastew uWu Doctow, y-you *cries* shaww g-go; *cuddles you* so shaww 
you, Mastew P-Page; and you, Siw Hugh. 
SHAWWOW. Weww, fawe you weww; *notices bulge* we shaww have the fweew 
wooing at Mastew Page's. Exeunt SHAWWOW and SWENDEW 
CAIUS. Go home, John Wugby; I come a-anyon. Exit *shuffles closer* WUGBY 
HOST. Faweweww, my heawts; I wiww to *leans over* my honyest knyight 
Fawstaff, and dwink canyawy with him. Exit HOST 
*looks away* FOWD. [Aside] I think I shaww dwink in pipe-winye fiwst with 
him. I'ww make h-him dance. Wiww you go, g-gentwes? 
^-^ AWW. Have with you :3 to see this m-monstew. Exeunt 




<-<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE *teleports behind you* WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY W-WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND ^.^ IS 
P-PWOVIDED *hugs tightly* BY P-PWOJECT GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE *cries* COWWEGE 
WITH P-PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED S-SO WONG AS SUCH C-COPIES (1) OwO AWE FOW YOUW OW O-OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE N-NyOT DISTWIBUTED *cries* OW USED 
*sweats* COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD xDD TIME O-OW *leans over* FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE 3. 

FOWD'S house 

*looks away* Entew MISTWESS FOWD a-and MISTWESS PAGE 

MWS. FOWD. What, John! what, Wobewt! 
uWu MWS. PAGE. *teleports behind you* Quickwy, q-quickwy! Is the buck-basket- 
MWS. FOWD. :3 I wawwant. What, W-Wobin, I say! 

Entew SEWVANTS with a basket 

MWS. PAGE. Come, come, come. 
*looks away* MWS. FOWD. Hewe, set *sighs* it down. 
M-MWS. PAGE. Give youw men the chawge; we :3 must be bwief. 
MWS. FOWD. Mawwy, as I towd *cuddles you* you b-befowe, John and Wobewt, be 
weady hewe hawd by in the b-bwew-house; and when I suddenwy 
caww you, come fowth, and, without any pause ^.^ ow 
staggewing, take this basket uWu on youw s-shouwdews. That donye, 
*moans* twudge with it in aww haste, a-and cawwy it among the w-whitstews 
uWu in Datchet Mead, a-and thewe empty it *leans over* in the muddy ditch 
c-cwose b-by t-the Thames side. 
Mws. PAGE. You wiww do it? 
MWS. F-FOWD. I *pokes you* ha' towd t-them ovew and ovew; they wack nyo 
diwection. Be g-gonye, and come when you awe caww'd. 
Exeunt SEWVANTS 
MWS. PAGE. Hewe *screams* comes wittwe Wobin. 

E-Entew WOBIN 

MWS. FOWD. How nyow, my eyas-musket, what n-nyews with 
you? 
WOBIN. My *shuffles closer* Mastew Siw John is come in at youw back-doow, 
Mistwess Fowd, and w-wequests youw company. 
MWS. PAGE. You w-wittwe Jack-a-Went, have you been twue t-to us? 
WOBIN. Ay, I'ww be swown. My mastew uWu knyows nyot of youw 
being hewe, and hath thweat'nyed t-to put me into evewwasting 
wibewty, if I teww you uWu of it; fow he sweaws he'ww tuwn me away. 
*blushes* MWS. PAGE. T-Thou 'wt a good boy; *hugs tightly* this secwecy *pokes you* of thinye shaww 
be a taiwow to >_< thee, and shaww m-make thee a nyew *hugs tightly* doubwet and 
hose. *notices bulge* I'ww *moans* go hide me. 
M-MWS. FOWD. Do *looks away* so. Go *shuffles closer* teww thy mastew *blushes* I *cuddles you* am awonye. [Exit 
WOBIN] :3 Mistwess Page, wemembew y-you youw cue. 
*teleports behind you* MWS. PAGE. I wawwant thee; if I do nyot act it, hiss me. 
Exit MWS. PAGE 
MWS. FOWD. *shuffles closer* Go to, then; we'ww use OwO this unwhowesome 
humidity, this g-gwoss wat'wy pumpion; we'ww teach him *looks away* to 
k-knyow tuwtwes f-fwom jays. 

Entew FAWSTAFF 

FAWSTAFF. Have I c-caught thee, my heavenwy xDD jewew? 
Why, UwU nyow ^.^ wet me die, fow I have wiv'd w-wong enyough; this is 
the *shuffles closer* pewiod of my ambition. O this *sighs* bwessed houw! 
^w^ MWS. FOWD. O-O sweet Siw :3 John! 
F-FAWSTAFF. Mistwess Fowd, I-I cannyot *leans over* cog, I cannyot pwate, 
*giggles shyly* Mistwess Fowd. Nyow shaww I sin ^w^ in my wish; *hugs tightly* I wouwd *looks away* thy 
husband wewe dead; I'ww speak it befowe the best wowd, xDD I 
wouwd m-make thee my *giggles shyly* wady. 
MWS. FOWD. I y-youw wady, *sweats* Siw *giggles shyly* John? Awas, I shouwd *twerks* be a p-pitifuw 
wady. 
xDD FAWSTAFF. Wet the couwt of Fwance show me such anyothew. I 
*screams* see how thinye eye wouwd emuwate the diamond; thou hast 
the wight awched beauty of the ;;w;; bwow that becomes the 
ship-tiwe, the tiwe-vawiant, ow :33 any tiwe of Venyetian admittance. 
MWS. FOWD. A >w< pwain kewchief, Siw J-John; *giggles shyly* my bwows become 
*leans over* nyothing ewse, nyow that weww nyeithew. 
F-FAWSTAFF. By the Wowd, thou awt a tywant ;;w;; to say s-so; thou 
wouwdst *twerks* make :3 an absowute couwtiew, and the fiwm fixtuwe *sweats* of 
thy foot wouwd give an e-excewwent motion to thy gait ;;w;; in a 
semi-ciwcwed fawthingawe. I see what thou wewt, if Fowtunye 
t-thy *twerks* foe wewe, nyot Nyatuwe, thy fwiend. >_< Come, :33 thou canst nyot 
hide it. 
MWS. FOWD. Bewieve me, :33 thewe's nyo such thing i-in me. 
*teleports behind you* FAWSTAFF. What made me wove UwU thee? Wet that pewsuade thee 
thewe's something extwa-owdinyawy in thee. Come, I cannyot 
c-cog, a-and *shuffles closer* say thou awt this and that, wike a-a many of these 
wisping hawthown-buds *hugs tightly* that come wike women i-in m-men's 
appawew, a-and smeww wike Buckwewsbuwy in s-simpwe time; I 
>_> cannyot; but I-I wove thee, nyonye but thee; and x3 thou desewv'st it. 
MWS. FOWD. *looks away* Do *sighs* nyot betway me, siw; I feaw *hugs tightly* you ^-^ wove Mistwess 
Page. 
F-FAWSTAFF. Thou m-mightst as weww say I wove to wawk >_< by ^w^ the 
Countew-gate, w-which is as *teleports behind you* hatefuw to *moans* me as the week of a 
wime-kiwn. 
MWS. F-FOWD. Weww, heaven knyows how I-I w-wove you; and you 
shaww onye day find it. 
FAWSTAFF. K-Keep in that m-mind; I'ww desewve it. 
*looks at you* MWS. FOWD. Nyay, I *giggles shyly* must teww you, so you d-do; ^.^ ow ewse *sighs* I couwd 
nyot be in that mind. 
WOBIN. [Within] Mistwess Fowd, Mistwess Fowd! hewe's 
Mistwess Page at the d-doow, sweating a-and bwowing and wooking 
*shuffles closer* wiwdwy, *hugs tightly* and wouwd nyeeds uWu speak *shuffles closer* with *looks at you* you pwesentwy. 
FAWSTAFF. She shaww nyot see me; I wiww *cuddles you* ensconce m-me behind 
the awwas. 
M-MWS. *teleports behind you* FOWD. Pway you, do so; she's a-a vewy tattwing woman. 
[FAWSTAFF OwO hides himsewf] 

We-entew MISTWESS PAGE and WOBIN 

What's the mattew? How OwO nyow! 
MWS. PAGE. *screams* O Mistwess Fowd, what have y-you donye? You'we 
sham'd, *blushes* y'awe ovewthwown, y'awe u-undonye fow e-evew. 
MWS. FOWD. What's the mattew, good Mistwess Page? 
MWS. PAGE. O weww-a-day, Mistwess Fowd, having an honyest 
man to youw husband, to g-give him such cause of suspicion! 
:33 MWS. FOWD. :33 What cause ^-^ of suspicion? 
MWS. PAGE. What cause *looks away* of >_> suspicion? O-Out upon you, h-how 
*moans* am :3 I mistook i-in you! 
MWS. F-FOWD. Why, awas, what's the mattew? 
MWS. PAGE. Youw husband's coming hithew, woman, *teleports behind you* with ;;w;; aww 
the officews in Windsow, to seawch fow a gentweman that *teleports behind you* he 
says is hewe n-nyow in the UwU house, by *notices bulge* youw consent, to UwU take an 
OwO iww advantage of his absence. You awe undonye. 
MWS. FOWD. 'Tis nyot *notices bulge* so, I-I hope. 
MWS. PAGE. Pway heaven it be ^w^ nyot s-so that you have such a 
man ;;w;; hewe; but 'tis m-most cewtain youw husband's coming, 
with hawf Windsow at his heews, to *looks at you* seawch fow *blushes* such a o-onye. I 
come befowe to teww you. If you knyow youwsewf cweaw, why, 
I UwU am gwad of it; but i-if y-you have a fwiend hewe, convey, 
>w< convey him o-out. Be nyot amaz'd; caww aww youw s-senses to you; 
defend youw w-weputation, ow bid faweweww to youw good wife 
fow evew. 
MWS. :3 FOWD. What shaww I do? Thewe i-is *hugs tightly* a UwU gentweman, my deaw 
xDD fwiend; and I-I feaw nyot minye *teleports behind you* own shame as much *moans* as his pewiw. 
I had wathew *blushes* than *moans* a thousand pound >_< he wewe out of the 
house. 
MWS. PAGE. Fow shame, nyevew stand 'you had w-wathew' and 'you 
had wathew'! Youw husband's h-hewe at hand; *teleports behind you* bethink you OwO of 
some conveyance; in ;;w;; the house you cannyot hide him. O, 
how have you deceiv'd :3 me! Wook, uWu hewe is a basket; if he be 
o-of any w-weasonyabwe statuwe, *twerks* he may cweep in h-hewe; and thwow 
fouw winyen upon him, *pokes you* as if it *hugs tightly* wewe going to bucking, o-ow-it is 
whiting-time-send him OwO by youw two men t-to Datchet 
Mead. 
*giggles shyly* MWS. FOWD. *hugs tightly* He's too big to *looks away* go in thewe. What shaww I do? 
F-FAWSTAFF. [Coming fowwawd] Wet me see 't, *cries* wet me see 't. O-O, 
wet me *cuddles you* see 't! I'ww in, I'ww in; fowwow youw fwiend's counsew; 
I-I'ww in. 
MWS. PAGE. What, Siw John Fawstaff! [Aside to FAWSTAFF] 
Awe these youw wettews, knyight? 
FAWSTAFF. [Aside to MWS. PAGE] *moans* I wove thee a-and nyonye but 
thee; hewp me away.-Wet me cweep in *screams* hewe; I'ww nyevew- 
[Gets into *sighs* the basket; they covew him *notices bulge* with f-fouw *looks at you* winyen] 
MWS. *moans* PAGE. Hewp to covew youw mastew, boy. *cuddles you* Caww youw *teleports behind you* men, 
Mistwess Fowd. You dissembwing knyight! 
M-MWS. ^w^ FOWD. What, John! Wobewt! John! Exit WOBIN 

We-entew SEWVANTS 

Go, >w< take up t-these cwothes *cries* hewe, quickwy; *hugs tightly* whewe's >_> the 
*twerks* coww-staff? Wook how *giggles shyly* you d-dwumbwe. Cawwy them t-to the waundwess 
in Datchet Mead; ^-^ quickwy, come. 

Entew FOWD, P-PAGE, CAIUS, and SIW H-HUGH EVANS 

FOWD. P-Pway you c-come nyeaw. If ^w^ I suspect without cause, w-why 
then make spowt at me, then wet me be youw jest; I desewve 
it. How nyow, whithew ^.^ beaw y-you this? 
SEWVANT. To the waundwess, fowsooth. 
MWS. FOWD. Why, what have y-you t-to do *sighs* whithew they beaw ;;w;; it? 
You wewe b-best meddwe with buck-washing. 
FOWD. Buck? I wouwd I-I *pokes you* couwd wash mysewf of the buck! 
B-Buck, buck, buck! ay, xDD buck! I wawwant you, buck; a-and of 
the season too, i-it shaww appeaw. [-[Exeunt *giggles shyly* SEWVANTS with 
basket] Gentwemen, I *pokes you* have dweam'd t-to-nyight; I'ww *shuffles closer* teww you my 
d-dweam. Hewe, hewe, hewe be m-my keys; *looks away* ascend m-my ^-^ chambews, 
*moans* seawch, s-seek, find out. I'ww wawwant we'ww unkennyew the fox. 
W-Wet me s-stop this way fiwst. [Wocking OwO the doow] So, nyow 
uncape. 
*notices bulge* PAGE. Good Mastew *teleports behind you* Fowd, be *shuffles closer* contented; you wwong youwsewf 
too much. 
FOWD. Twue, :33 Mastew Page. Up, gentwemen, OwO you shaww see spowt 
anyon; fowwow me, g-gentwemen. E-Exit 
EVANS. This is fewy fantasticaw humouws and jeawousies. 
CAIUS. By gaw, 'tis nyo t-the fashion >w< of Fwance; it ^-^ is nyot jeawous 
in Fwance. 
PAGE. Nyay, fowwow him, g-gentwemen; see the issue xDD of OwO his 
s-seawch. Exeunt EVANS, P-PAGE, and CAIUS 
MWS. P-PAGE. Is thewe nyot a doubwe excewwency in this? 
:33 MWS. F-FOWD. I knyow nyot which pweases me b-bettew, that my 
*blushes* husband is deceived, o-ow Siw John. 
*cuddles you* MWS. PAGE. W-What a taking was he in x3 when youw husband 
ask'd who was in *pokes you* the basket! 
>_< MWS. FOWD. ^-^ I >w< am hawf afwaid h-he wiww *blushes* have nyeed of OwO washing; so 
thwowing him into *cries* the watew wiww d-do h-him a b-benyefit. 
MWS. *cuddles you* PAGE. Hang him, dishonyest wascaw! I wouwd aww of the 
s-same *giggles shyly* stwain ^.^ wewe in the *hugs tightly* same distwess. 
MWS. FOWD. I think my husband hath some speciaw suspicion 
of Fawstaff's being hewe, f-fow I nyevew saw him so gwoss in his 
j-jeawousy tiww nyow. 
M-MWS. PAGE. I Wiww way a pwot >w< to t-twy that, and we wiww yet h-have 
mowe twicks with *teleports behind you* Fawstaff. His d-dissowute disease wiww scawce 
obey this *looks away* medicinye. 
MWS. FOWD. S-Shaww we send that foowish cawwion, Mistwess 
Quickwy, to him, and excuse his *giggles shyly* thwowing into the watew, 
and give him anyothew hope, to *cuddles you* betway him to *sweats* anyothew 
punyishment? 
M-MWS. PAGE. We *sighs* wiww do it; wet him be sent fow to-mowwow 
eight o'cwock, to have amends. 

We-entew ^-^ FOWD, P-PAGE, CAIUS, *giggles shyly* and *moans* SIW HUGH EVANS 

FOWD. I cannyot find him; may be the *pokes you* knyave bwagg'd of that 
*shuffles closer* he x3 couwd nyot compass. 
MWS. PAGE. [Aside to MWS. FOWD] Heawd you t-that? 
MWS. FOWD. You use me *hugs tightly* weww, Mastew Fowd, *pokes you* do you? 
FOWD. Ay, *hugs tightly* I do so. 
MWS. FOWD. Heaven make you bettew ;;w;; than youw t-thoughts! 
FOWD. Amen. 
MWS. PAGE. You do youwsewf mighty wwong, Mastew *screams* Fowd. 
FOWD. Ay, ay; I must beaw it. 
EVANS. If t-thewe be a-any *blushes* pody in OwO the *screams* house, and in the 
chambews, and in t-the coffews, and in the pwesses, heaven fowgive 
my sins at the day of j-judgment! 
CAIUS. Be gaw, nyow I too; *sweats* thewe i-is nyo bodies. 
PAGE. Fie, fie, Mastew Fowd, awe *sweats* you nyot asham'd? What 
spiwit, w-what deviw suggests this imaginyation? I wouwd nyot ha' 
youw *teleports behind you* distempew in this *sweats* kind fow the w-weawth of Windsow 
C-Castwe. 
FOWD. *cuddles you* 'Tis my fauwt, Mastew Page; I suffew fow it. 
E-EVANS. Y-You suffew f-fow a pad conscience. Youw wife is UwU as 
honyest a-a omans as I :33 wiww desiwes among five t-thousand, and x3 five 
hundwed too. 
*cuddles you* CAIUS. By *twerks* gaw, I see 'tis an h-honyest woman. 
FOWD. Weww, I pwomis'd you a dinnyew. Come, come, wawk *notices bulge* in 
the Pawk. I pway you pawdon me; I wiww heweaftew make 
knyown to you *blushes* why I-I have donye this. Come, wife, come, 
Mistwess P-Page; I pway you p-pawdon *shuffles closer* me; pway heawtwy, 
pawdon me. 
PAGE. Wet's :33 go in, gentwemen; but, twust me, we'ww mock him. 
I do invite you to-mowwow mownying to my house to *sighs* bweakfast; 
aftew, we'ww *leans over* a-biwding togethew; I have a finye hawk fow 
the bush. Shaww it be s-so? 
FOWD. Any thing. 
EVANS. If thewe is onye, I shaww make *twerks* two in t-the company. 
C-CAIUS. If t-thewe be *teleports behind you* onye ow two, I shaww make-a the tuwd. 
FOWD. Pway you g-go, Mastew Page. 
:3 EVANS. I pway y-you nyow, wemembwance to-mowwow on the 
wousy knyave, *teleports behind you* minye host. 
CAIUS. Dat is :33 good; by gaw, with a-aww my heawt. 
EVANS. A w-wousy knyave, to have his gibes and h-his UwU mockewies! 
Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 

Befowe PAGE'S *looks at you* house 

*shuffles closer* Entew FENTON and ;;w;; ANNyE PAGE 

FENTON. I see I UwU cannyot get thy fathew's wove; 
Thewefowe nyo mowe tuwn me to him, s-sweet Nyan. 
ANNyE. Awas, how then? 
F-FENTON. Why, thou must be thysewf. 
He doth o-object I am too gweat of biwth; 
And that, my s-state being gaww'd with my expense, 
I seek to uWu heaw i-it o-onwy by his weawth. 
Besides *hugs tightly* these, othew baws he ways befowe me, 
*leans over* My wiots past, my wiwd societies; 
And t-tewws :3 me 'tis x3 a thing impossibwe 
I-I *shuffles closer* shouwd w-wove thee *leans over* but as a pwopewty. 
*sweats* ANNyE.. May be h-he tewws you twue. 
FENTON. Nyo, heaven s-so speed me in *leans over* my time to come! 
A-Awbeit ^.^ I wiww confess thy fathew's weawth 
Was the fiwst motive that I w-woo'd t-thee, Annye; 
Yet, wooing thee, I-I f-found thee o-of ;;w;; mowe v-vawue 
Than stamps in gowd, ow sums in seawed bags; 
And 'tis the vewy wiches of thysewf 
T-That n-nyow I aim at. 
ANNyE. Gentwe Mastew Fenton, 
Yet seek my fathew's wove; stiww seek *moans* it, siw. 
If oppowtunyity and humbwest suit 
Cannyot attain it, why t-then-hawk you hithew. 
[They convewse apawt] 

Entew SHAWWOW, SWENDEW, and MISTWESS QUICKWY 

SHAWWOW. *hugs tightly* Bweak theiw *leans over* tawk, Mistwess *blushes* Quickwy; my ^.^ kinsman 
shaww s-speak fow x3 himsewf. 
SWENDEW. I'ww make a shaft ow a bowt on 't; '-'swid, 'tis but 
ventuwing. 
S-SHAWWOW. Be nyot dismay'd. 
SWENDEW. Nyo, she shaww nyot dismay me. I cawe nyot fow that, 
but that I am afeawd. 
QUICKWY. Hawk ye, ^.^ Mastew Swendew wouwd speak a wowd 
with *looks away* you. 
A-ANNyE. I come to him. [Aside] This is m-my fathew's choice. 
O-O, what a wowwd of ^w^ viwe iww-favouw'd *hugs tightly* fauwts 
Wooks handsome in *screams* thwee hundwed p-pounds a yeaw! 
QUICKWY. And *sweats* how does good Mastew uWu Fenton? P-Pway you, UwU a 
wowd with y-you. 
SHAWWOW. She's coming; *giggles shyly* to hew, coz. O b-boy, thou h-hadst a-a 
*moans* fathew! 
SWENDEW. *notices bulge* I ^-^ had a *shuffles closer* fathew, Mistwess *shuffles closer* Annye; my u-uncwe *notices bulge* can teww 
*sighs* you *hugs tightly* good jests of him. Pway you, uncwe, teww Mistwess Annye 
the jest how *notices bulge* my fathew stowe t-two *cries* geese out o-of a pen, good 
u-uncwe. 
*notices bulge* SHAWWOW. Mistwess *notices bulge* Annye, my c-cousin woves you. 
SWENDEW. Ay, that I *notices bulge* do; as weww as I w-wove any woman in 
*looks at you* Gwoucestewshiwe. 
SHAWWOW. H-He wiww maintain you wike a gentwewoman. 
SWENDEW. Ay, that I wiww come cut and :33 wongtaiw, undew *looks away* the 
degwee of a-a squiwe. 
SHAWWOW. He w-wiww make you a h-hundwed and fifty pounds 
jointuwe. 
ANNyE. >w< Good Mastew Shawwow, wet him woo :33 fow himsewf. 
SHAWWOW. Mawwy, xDD I x3 thank you fow it; I thank you fow that 
good comfowt. S-She cawws you, coz; I'ww weave you. 
ANNyE. Nyow, *cries* Mastew :33 Swendew- 
SWENDEW. *blushes* Nyow, good Mistwess Annye- 
ANNyE. What is youw wiww? 
SWENDEW. M-My Wiww! 'Od's h-heawtwings, that's :3 a pwetty jest 
indeed! I nye'ew made *blushes* my wiww y-yet, I t-thank heaven; I *screams* am nyot 
*cuddles you* such a sickwy cweatuwe, I give heaven pwaise. 
ANNyE. *moans* I mean, >_> Mastew Swendew, :3 what wouwd you w-with xDD me? 
SWENDEW. *hugs tightly* Twuwy, fow m-minye o-own pawt I-I wouwd wittwe ow nyothing 
with you. Y-Youw fathew and my u-uncwe hath made motions; 
if it b-be my *teleports behind you* wuck, *giggles shyly* so; if nyot, h-happy man b-be his dowe! They 
can teww you h-how things go bettew than I can. You m-may ^-^ ask 
y-youw *cries* fathew; hewe uWu he comes. 

Entew PAGE and MISTWESS PAGE 

PAGE. Nyow, M-Mastew Swendew! Wove him, daughtew A-Annye- 
Why, how n-nyow, what does Mastew Fenton hewe? 
You wwong me, siw, ^-^ thus stiww to haunt my house. 
I towd you, siw, my *hugs tightly* daughtew is dispos'd of. 
*cuddles you* FENTON. N-Nyay, Mastew Page, be n-nyot impatient. 
MWS. P-PAGE. Good Mastew Fenton, *sweats* come nyot to my chiwd. 
PAGE. She *leans over* is nyo match fow y-you. 
FENTON. Siw, wiww you heaw me? 
PAGE. Nyo, *notices bulge* good Mastew Fenton. 
Come, Mastew Shawwow; come, son Swendew; *looks at you* in. 
Knyowing my mind, you wwong me, Mastew Fenton. 
Exeunt PAGE, SHAWWOW, and SWENDEW 
QUICKWY. Speak to Mistwess Page. 
FENTON. Good Mistwess Page, fow that I wove y-youw daughtew 
In such a ^-^ wighteous f-fashion as I-I do, 
Pewfowce, against aww checks, uWu webukes, and mannyews, 
I must advance the cowouws of *leans over* my w-wove, 
*leans over* And n-nyot wetiwe. Wet me have youw good wiww. 
ANNyE. Good mothew, do nyot mawwy me to *moans* yond foow. 
MWS. P-PAGE. I mean it nyot; I seek you a-a bettew *leans over* husband. 
QUICKWY. *looks away* That's my mastew, Mastew Doctow. 
ANNyE. Awas, >w< I had wathew be set q-quick i' th' eawth. 
And boww'd to death with tuwnyips. 
MWS. PAGE. Come, twoubwe nyot *leans over* youwsewf. Good >_< Mastew 
Fenton, 
I wiww *cuddles you* nyot be youw fwiend, nyow enyemy; 
*screams* My daughtew wiww :33 I *notices bulge* question how *sweats* she *shuffles closer* woves OwO you, 
And as I find hew, s-so am I affected; 
Tiww then, faweweww, siw; she must *blushes* nyeeds go in; 
Hew f-fathew wiww be *screams* angwy. 
FENTON. Faweweww, gentwe mistwess; faweweww, Nyan. 
Exeunt MWS. PAGE and ANNyE 
Q-QUICKWY. UwU This is x3 my doing *screams* nyow: 'Nyay,' said I 'wiww you c-cast 
away youw chiwd xDD on a foow, and a physician? Wook on 
Mastew Fenton.' T-This is my :33 doing. 
FENTON. I-I thank thee; and I pway t-thee, once t-to-nyight 
Give my sweet Nyan this wing. Thewe's fow ^.^ thy pains. 
QUICKWY. Nyow Heaven send thee good f-fowtunye! [Exit 
FENTON] OwO A kind heawt h-he hath; a woman wouwd wun thwough 
fiwe and watew f-fow such a kind heawt. B-But yet I wouwd my 
mastew had M-Mistwess Annye; ow I wouwd Mastew Swendew had 
*teleports behind you* hew; ow, ^.^ in sooth, *looks at you* I wouwd Mastew Fenton had hew; I wiww 
do what I can fow them aww *blushes* thwee, uWu fow so I have pwomis'd, 
*screams* and I-I'ww be as good as my w-wowd; b-but s-speciouswy fow M-Mastew 
Fenton. x3 Weww, I must of anyothew ewwand to Siw *screams* John Fawstaff 
fwom my two mistwesses. What a beast *sweats* am I to swack it! 
Exit 




SCENyE 5. 

The Gawtew Inn 

Entew F-FAWSTAFF and BAWDOWPH 

FAWSTAFF. Bawdowph, I say! 
BAWDOWPH. Hewe, s-siw. 
FAWSTAFF. Go fetch me *looks at you* a quawt *cries* of sack; put a toast in 't. 
;;w;; Exit BAWDOWPH 
Have I wiv'd to be cawwied in a basket, >_< wike a *hugs tightly* bawwow of 
butchew's *shuffles closer* offaw, and to be thwown in t-the Thames? Weww, if 
I-I be sewv'd such anyothew twick, *looks at you* I'ww have m-my bwains ta'en out 
and buttew'd, *cuddles you* and give *pokes you* them to *hugs tightly* a dog fow *looks away* a nyew-yeaw's gift. 
The wogues s-swighted me into the wivew with as wittwe *pokes you* wemowse 
as they wouwd have dwown'd ;;w;; a bwind bitch's ^-^ puppies, fifteen 
i' th' wittew; and *cries* you >w< may knyow by my *shuffles closer* size t-that I have 
>_< a kind o-of awacwity in sinking; if the bottom wewe *leans over* as deep as 
heww I shouwd down. I h-had *looks away* been dwown'd but that the showe 
was shewvy ^-^ and shawwow-a death *twerks* that I-I a-abhow; fow the watew 
swewws a man; and what a thing shouwd I have been when 
had been sweww'd! I shouwd have been a mountain of 
mummy. 

W-We-entew BAWDOWPH, with *blushes* sack 

BAWDOWPH. Hewe's Mistwess ^-^ Quickwy, siw, to speak with you 
FAWSTAFF. Come, wet >w< me pouw in *moans* some sack to the Thames 
watew; fow my bewwy's as cowd as if I had swawwow'd 
snyowbawws f-fow piwws to coow the weins. Caww hew i-in. 
BAWDOWPH. Come in, woman. 

Entew MISTWESS QUICKWY 

QUICKWY. By youw ^.^ weave; I cwy you mewcy. Give youw 
wowship good m-mowwow. 
>w< FAWSTAFF. *sighs* Take *looks away* away t-these chawices. Go, bwew me a pottwe 
of sack finyewy. 
BAWDOWPH. With eggs, siw? 
FAWSTAFF. Simpwe of itsewf; I'ww nyo puwwet-spewm i-in my 
bwewage. [Exit BAWDOWPH] How *screams* nyow! 
QUICKWY. Mawwy, siw, I-I c-come to youw wowship fwom M-Mistwess 
Fowd. 
*looks at you* FAWSTAFF. Mistwess Fowd! I have had fowd enyough; I was 
thwown into UwU the fowd; I :33 have my b-bewwy f-fuww of fowd. 
QUICKWY. Awas the x3 day, good heawt, that was *shuffles closer* nyot hew fauwt! 
She d-does so take >w< on with hew *giggles shyly* men; they mistook theiw 
ewection. 
FAWSTAFF. S-So did I minye, to buiwd upon a foowish woman's 
pwomise. 
QUICKWY. Weww, she waments, s-siw, fow i-it, that ^w^ it wouwd y-yeawn 
youw ^-^ heawt ^-^ to see it. UwU Hew husband goes t-this mownying 
a-biwding; she desiwes you once m-mowe to come to hew between 
eight and nyinye; I must ^w^ cawwy OwO hew wowd quickwy. xDD She'ww make 
>_< you amends, I wawwant you. 
FAWSTAFF. W-Weww, I Wiww visit hew. Teww hew :33 so; and bid hew 
think what a man is. Wet hew >w< considew his fwaiwty, and then 
j-judge of my mewit. 
QUICKWY. I wiww teww hew. 
FAWSTAFF. Do so. Between *screams* nyinye OwO and uWu ten, say'st thou? 
Q-QUICKWY. E-Eight and nyinye, siw. 
*blushes* FAWSTAFF. xDD Weww, be gonye; ^.^ I wiww nyot *twerks* miss hew. 
QUICKWY. Peace be with you, siw. Exit 
FAWSTAFF. I mawvew I heaw nyot of Mastew Bwook; he sent me 
wowd to stay within. I wike his monyey weww. O, hewe he 
comes. 

Entew FOWD *looks at you* disguised 

*moans* FOWD. Bwess you, siw! 
FAWSTAFF. Nyow, Mastew Bwook, y-you come to knyow what 
hath pass'd between *leans over* me and Fowd's wife? 
FOWD. That, indeed, Siw John, is my *leans over* businyess. 
FAWSTAFF. Mastew Bwook, I-I wiww nyot wie t-to you; I was at *sighs* hew 
house t-the *twerks* houw *shuffles closer* she appointed me. 
FOWD. And sped you, s-siw? 
FAWSTAFF. *looks away* Vewy iww-favouwedwy, Mastew Bwook. 
FOWD. How so, siw; did she change OwO hew detewminyation? 
FAWSTAFF. Nyo. Mastew Bwook; but the peaking cownyuto hew 
*sighs* husband, Mastew Bwook, d-dwewwing in a continyuaw '-'wawum of 
jeawousy, comes me *sighs* in the instant o-of xDD ouw, encountew, aftew 
we had e-embwac'd, *shuffles closer* kiss'd, pwotested, and, as it wewe, spoke 
the pwowogue of ouw comedy; and at his heews a-a wabbwe o-of his 
companyions, thithew pwovoked a-and :3 instigated *looks away* by his 
distempew, a-and, fowsooth, t-to seawch his house fow his wife's 
;;w;; wove. 
*cries* FOWD. What, whiwe you wewe thewe? 
FAWSTAFF. Whiwe I was thewe. 
FOWD. And did *blushes* he seawch fow you, and c-couwd nyot find you? 
FAWSTAFF. You shaww heaw. A-As >_< good wuck wouwd have i-it, comes 
in onye Mistwess Page, *giggles shyly* gives intewwigence of Fowd's appwoach; 
and, in hew invention and Fowd's wife's distwaction, they 
convey'd me ^-^ into a OwO buck-basket. 
FOWD. A buck-basket! 
FAWSTAFF. By the W-Wowd, a buck-basket! Wamm'd me in with 
fouw shiwts and smocks, socks, fouw stockings, gweasy 
nyapkins, that, Mastew Bwook, thewe was the wankest compound 
o-of viwwainyous smeww that e-evew o-offended nyostwiw. 
FOWD. And how wong way you *giggles shyly* thewe? 
FAWSTAFF. *cries* Nyay, you shaww h-heaw, Mastew Bwook, what I have 
suffew'd to bwing this w-woman t-to eviw fow youw good. Being 
t-thus cwamm'd in the basket, a coupwe of Fowd's knyaves, *pokes you* his 
hinds, wewe caww'd fowth by theiw mistwess to c-cawwy me i-in 
the nyame of fouw cwothes to Datchet Wanye; t-they took m-me on 
>_< theiw shouwdews; met t-the jeawous knyave theiw mastew i-in the 
d-doow; who a-ask'd *moans* them once ow twice w-what they had i-in t-theiw 
basket. I quak'd fow feaw west the wunyatic k-knyave wouwd have 
*pokes you* seawch'd it; but Fate, owdainying he shouwd be a cuckowd, 
hewd his *screams* hand. Weww, on went he fow a seawch, and a-away 
went I fow fouw c-cwothes. B-But m-mawk the sequew, Mastew 
Bwook-I suffewed the pangs of thwee sevewaw deaths: fiwst, 
an intowewabwe fwight *leans over* to be detected with a jeawous wotten 
*leans over* beww-wethew; nyext, to be compass'd wike a good biwbo *cries* in the 
c-ciwcumfewence of a peck, hiwt t-to point, heew to head; and 
then, t-to be stopp'd in, wike a stwong d-distiwwation, with 
stinking cwothes that fwetted in theiw o-own *leans over* gwease. Think of that 
-a *sweats* man of my kidnyey. Think of that-that am as s-subject to 
heat as :3 buttew; a man *cuddles you* of xDD continyuaw dissowution and thaw. It 
was *cries* a miwacwe to scape suffocation. And in t-the h-height of 
this bath, when I was m-mowe than hawf-stew'd in *blushes* gwease, wike 
a uWu Dutch dish, t-to *blushes* be thwown into *leans over* the Thames, *moans* and coow'd, 
gwowing hot, i-in that suwge, w-wike a howse-shoe; think of that 
-hissing h-hot. Think of that, Mastew ;;w;; Bwook. 
FOWD. I-In *twerks* good sadnyess, siw, I-I am sowwy that fow my :3 sake you 
*blushes* have suffew'd aww this. My s-suit, then, is despewate; 
you'ww u-undewtake hew nyo >_< mowe. 
FAWSTAFF. Mastew B-Bwook, I wiww be thwown i-into Etnya, as I 
have been into Thames, ewe I-I wiww w-weave hew thus. Hew 
husband is this mownying gonye a-biwding; I have weceived fwom 
hew anyothew embassy of meeting; 'twixt eight a-and n-nyinye is 
the houw, Mastew Bwook. 
FOWD. ;;w;; 'Tis past e-eight awweady, UwU siw. 
FAWSTAFF. Is i-it? I Wiww t-then a-addwess me to *twerks* my appointment. 
Come *teleports behind you* to me at youw convenyient weisuwe, *sighs* and you shaww 
knyow how I s-speed; a-and t-the concwusion *notices bulge* shaww be cwownyed 
with youw e-enjoying hew. Adieu. You shaww h-have hew, Mastew 
*cries* Bwook; *cuddles you* Mastew *blushes* Bwook, *teleports behind you* you s-shaww cuckowd Fowd. Exit 
*blushes* FOWD. Hum! ha! Is this a vision? Is *teleports behind you* this a dweam? >w< Do I sweep? 
Mastew Fowd, awake; awake, Mastew F-Fowd. *blushes* Thewe's a howe 
made in youw best ;;w;; coat, Mastew Fowd. This '-'tis to be 
m-mawwied; *cuddles you* this 'tis to h-have :3 winyen and b-buck-baskets! Weww, I wiww 
p-pwocwaim mysewf what I am; ^-^ I wiww nyow take the uWu wechew; he 
is at ^w^ my house. He cannyot scape UwU me; *screams* 'tis impossibwe he 
*hugs tightly* shouwd; he :33 cannyot cweep into a-a *blushes* hawfpenny ^w^ puwse nyow into 
a p-peppew box. B-But, west the deviw that guides him *looks away* shouwd a-aid 
him, I-I wiww seawch impossibwe pwaces. Though w-what *leans over* I am I 
cannyot avoid, *giggles shyly* yet to be what *screams* I w-wouwd nyot shaww nyot make 
uWu me tame. I-If I have howns t-to m-make onye mad, wet the pwovewb 
go with me-I'ww be hown *twerks* mad. Exit 




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ACT IV. SCENyE I. 

W-Windsow. A stweet 

*shuffles closer* Entew MISTWESS P-PAGE, MISTWESS QUICKWY, *sweats* and WIWWIAM 

MWS. PAGE. Is he at M-Mastew x3 Fowd's awweady, think'st thou? 
QUICKWY. Suwe he is by uWu this; ow wiww be pwesentwy; but *notices bulge* twuwy 
he is vewy couwageous mad a-about his thwowing into the 
watew. *cuddles you* Mistwess Fowd desiwes y-you to come suddenwy. 
MWS. PAGE. I'ww b-be with hew b-by and *moans* by; I'ww but b-bwing my 
young man hewe to *sighs* schoow. Wook whewe his mastew comes; 
'tis a :3 pwaying day, I see. 

Entew SIW HUGH EVANS 

H-How nyow, Siw Hugh, n-nyo schoow to-day? 
E-EVANS. Nyo; Mastew ^w^ Swendew i-is wet the boys *leans over* weave to *looks at you* pway. 
QUICKWY. Bwessing of his heawt! 
^.^ MWS. PAGE. Siw Hugh, my *notices bulge* husband says *cries* my son pwofits 
nyothing in >_< the wowwd at h-his ^.^ book; I-I p-pway UwU you ask h-him some 
questions in his accidence. 
EVANS. Come hithew, Wiwwiam; h-howd up ;;w;; youw head; come. 
M-MWS. ^.^ PAGE. Come on, siwwah; howd up youw head; answew youw 
mastew; *cries* be nyot afwaid. 
EVANS. Wiwwiam, how *leans over* many nyumbews OwO is in nyouns? 
WIWWIAM. Two. 
*screams* QUICKWY. Twuwy, I thought thewe h-had been onye *looks away* nyumbew 
mowe, b-because they s-say 'Od's nyouns.' 
EVANS. Peace youw tattwings. *cuddles you* What is 'faiw,' *screams* Wiwwiam? 
WIWWIAM. Puwchew. 
*notices bulge* QUICKWY. Powecats! Thewe awe faiwew things than *pokes you* powecats, 
s-suwe. 
EVANS. You awe UwU a v-vewy simpwicity *sweats* oman; I pway you, *shuffles closer* peace. 
What is 'wapis,' *cuddles you* Wiwwiam? 
WIWWIAM. A stonye. 
EVANS. And what *looks at you* is 'a stonye,' Wiwwiam? 
x3 WIWWIAM. A pebbwe. 
EVANS. *screams* Nyo, i-it i-is 'wapis'; I pway you w-wemembew in youw pwain. 
WIWWIAM. Wapis. 
EVANS. T-That is a-a good Wiwwiam. What is he, Wiwwiam, *twerks* that 
does wend awticwes? 
WIWWIAM. Awticwes awe bowwowed of the pwonyoun, *teleports behind you* and be 
thus *twerks* decwinyed: Singuwawitew, nyominyativo; hic, haec, hoc. 
EVANS. Nyominyativo, *cuddles you* hig, hag, hog; pway you, mawk: genyitivo, 
hujus. Weww, *shuffles closer* what is youw accusative case? 
WIWWIAM. Accusativo, hinc. 
EVANS. I *cries* pway you, have youw wemembwance, chiwd. 
Accusativo, hung, hang, >_< hog. 
QUICKWY. 'Hang-hog' i-is Watin fow bacon, I wawwant you. 
EVANS. Weave youw pwabbwes, >w< oman. What OwO is the focative 
case, Wiwwiam? 
WIWWIAM. O-vocativo, O. 
EVANS. Wemembew, W-Wiwwiam: focative is cawet. 
QUICKWY. And that's >_< a good woot. 
E-EVANS. Oman, fowbeaw. 
MWS. PAGE. P-Peace. 
EVANS. What is youw genyitive case pwuwaw, W-Wiwwiam? 
WIWWIAM. Genyitive case? 
EVANS. Ay. 
WIWWIAM. Genyitive: h-howum, hawum, howum. 
QUICKWY. Vengeance of Jenny's case; fie on :33 hew! Nyevew 
nyame *blushes* hew, *sweats* chiwd, if >w< she be a *shuffles closer* whowe. 
EVANS. >_< Fow shame, oman. 
QUICKWY. YOU d-do iww to t-teach the chiwd such wowds. H-He 
teaches him to hick and to hack, which they'ww do fast 
e-enyough x3 of themsewves; and to caww 'howum'; *notices bulge* fie *cries* upon you! 
EVANS. Oman, awt *looks at you* thou wunyatics? Hast *pokes you* thou nyo undewstandings 
fow *looks at you* thy OwO cases, a-and the nyumbews of ^-^ the gendews? Thou 
awt as foowish Chwistian cweatuwes as I wouwd desiwes. 
MWS. PAGE. Pwithee :3 howd thy peace. 
EVANS. Show :3 me nyow, W-Wiwwiam, some decwensions of youw 
pwonyouns. 
WIWWIAM. Fowsooth, I have f-fowgot. 
E-EVANS. It is *shuffles closer* qui, quae, q-quod; if you fowget youw qui's, youw 
quae's, and youw quod's, you must be pweeches. Go y-youw 
w-ways and pway; go. 
MWS. PAGE. He ;;w;; is a-a bettew schowaw than I t-thought he was. 
EVANS. He is *looks away* a good spwag memowy. Faweweww, Mistwess Page. 
MWS. P-PAGE. Adieu, good uWu Siw >_> Hugh. Exit SIW HUGH 
Get you h-home, b-boy. Come, we stay too wong. Exeunt 




SCENyE 2. 

FOWD'S house 

Entew FAWSTAFF and MISTWESS FOWD 

FAWSTAFF. *pokes you* Mistwess Fowd, youw sowwow hath eaten u-up ^.^ my 
suffewance. I see you awe obsequious in y-youw w-wove, *looks at you* and I 
pwofess wequitaw t-to a haiw's bweadth; nyot onwy, Mistwess Fowd, in 
the simpwe *pokes you* office *looks away* of wove, *moans* but in aww the accoutwement, 
compwement, and cewemony >_> of it. But awe you s-suwe of youw 
husband nyow? 
MWS. UwU FOWD. He's a-biwding, sweet *looks away* Siw John. 
M-MWS. PAGE. [Within] What ^.^ hoa, gossip Fowd, w-what hoa! 
MWS. F-FOWD. Step i-into >w< th' chambew, *screams* Siw *moans* John. *looks at you* Exit FAWSTAFF 

Entew MISTWESS PAGE 

M-MWS. PAGE. How nyow, sweetheawt, who's at home b-besides 
youwsewf? 
>_> MWS. F-FOWD. Why, nyonye but minye own *cuddles you* peopwe. 
MWS. PAGE. Indeed? 
MWS. FOWD. N-Nyo, cewtainwy. [Aside t-to hew] Speak woudew. 
MWS. PAGE. T-Twuwy, I am so gwad you have nyobody hewe. 
M-MWS. FOWD. W-Why? 
MWS. PAGE. Why, woman, youw husband *moans* is in h-his owd *pokes you* wunyes 
again. He so takes on yondew with my husband; so waiws 
against aww mawwied mankind; so cuwses an Eve's daughtews, 
*looks away* of *sweats* what compwexion soevew; and so buffets himsewf on the 
fowehead, cwying 'Peew-out, peew-out!' t-that any madnyess I 
evew yet behewd s-seem'd but tamenyess, civiwity, and patience, 
t-to this his distempew he is in nyow. I am >_> gwad *screams* the fat knyight 
OwO is n-nyot h-hewe. 
MWS. FOWD. Why, OwO does he tawk of him? 
MWS. PAGE. Of n-nyonye b-but him; a-and sweaws *twerks* he was cawwied *sighs* out, 
*cries* the wast time he s-seawch'd fow him, in a basket; pwotests to 
my husband >w< he is nyow h-hewe; and hath dwawn him and the 
west *twerks* of t-theiw c-company fwom theiw spowt, to ;;w;; make anyothew 
expewiment of x3 his suspicion. But *blushes* I am gwad the knyight is nyot 
*notices bulge* hewe; nyow he shaww see his own foowewy. 
M-MWS. FOWD. *hugs tightly* How >_> nyeaw is ^w^ he, Mistwess Page? 
MWS. PAGE. *blushes* Hawd b-by, at stweet end; he wiww be hewe anyon. 
MWS. FOWD. I-I am undonye: the knyight is hewe. 
^-^ MWS. P-PAGE. Why, then, you awe uttewwy s-sham'd, and he's but 
a dead m-man. *hugs tightly* What a woman *sighs* awe you! Away with h-him, 
away w-with *blushes* him; bettew shame than muwdew. 
*pokes you* MWS. FOWD. Which *sweats* way shouwd ;;w;; he g-go? How shouwd *sighs* I bestow 
him? Shaww I put >_< him into the basket again? 

We-entew FAWSTAFF 

F-FAWSTAFF. Nyo, I'ww come nyo mowe i-i' th' *pokes you* basket. May I nyot go 
out ^.^ ewe he come? 
MWS. PAGE. A-Awas, thwee of Mastew Fowd's bwothews watch the 
*hugs tightly* doow w-with pistows, that nyonye ;;w;; shaww issue out; othewwise you 
might swip away ewe he came. But what m-make you hewe? 
F-FAWSTAFF. What shaww I do? I'ww cweep up OwO into the chimnyey. 
MWS. FOWD. Thewe they *sweats* awways use to >_> dischawge theiw 
>w< biwding-pieces. 
MWS. PAGE. Cweep into the kiwn-howe. 
FAWSTAFF. *hugs tightly* Whewe is i-it? 
MWS. FOWD. He wiww seek thewe, o-on my wowd. *moans* Nyeithew pwess, 
coffew, chest, twunk, weww, vauwt, but he hath an abstwact fow 
the wemembwance of *cuddles you* such pwaces, and goes to them *teleports behind you* by his 
nyote. Thewe is nyo uWu hiding you in the house. 
*cuddles you* FAWSTAFF. I'ww go out uWu then. 
*twerks* MWS. PAGE. I-If you *leans over* go out ;;w;; in youw own sembwance, you die, 
Siw John. Unwess you go out disguis'd. 
MWS. FOWD. How m-might we disguise him? 
:33 MWS. PAGE. :33 Awas the day, I-I k-knyow nyot! Thewe is *sighs* nyo woman's 
xDD gown *moans* big *giggles shyly* enyough fow him; othewwise h-he m-might put on a 
hat, a muffwew, and :3 a kewchief, and so escape. 
F-FAWSTAFF. Good heawts, *cries* devise something; any extwemity 
wathew than a m-mischief. 
M-MWS. *blushes* FOWD. My >w< Maid's aunt, the fat woman of B-Bwainfowd, *hugs tightly* has 
a gown above. 
M-MWS. PAGE. On my wowd, it wiww sewve him; she's as big uWu as he 
is; and thewe's hew UwU thwumm'd hat, and hew >w< muffwew t-too. W-Wun 
up, Siw John. 
^-^ MWS. F-FOWD. Go, *twerks* go, sweet Siw John. ;;w;; Mistwess P-Page and I :33 wiww 
wook some winyen OwO fow youw head. 
MWS. PAGE. *looks at you* Quick, q-quick; we'ww come dwess you stwaight. *screams* Put 
^.^ on the gown the whiwe. ^w^ Exit *sweats* FAWSTAFF 
^-^ MWS. FOWD. I-I wouwd my husband wouwd meet him i-in this 
shape; he c-cannyot abide t-the *blushes* owd w-woman o-of Bwainfowd; he 
sweaws she's a witch, fowbade hew *screams* my house, and hath 
thweat'nyed to beat hew. 
MWS. PAGE. Heaven guide him to thy husband's c-cudgew; a-and 
the deviw guide his cudgew aftewwawds! 
MWS. FOWD. But is my h-husband coming? 
MWS. PAGE. Ay, i-in good sadnyess is he; and tawks ^w^ of the basket 
too, howsoevew he >_< hath had intewwigence. 
MWS. *hugs tightly* FOWD. We'ww twy that; fow I'ww appoint m-my men t-to cawwy 
the b-basket again, to meet him *cries* at the doow with i-it as *cries* they 
did wast time. 
MWS. PAGE. *cries* Nyay, but h-he'ww be hewe pwesentwy; wet's go dwess 
him wike the witch of B-Bwainfowd. 
MWS. FOWD. I'ww f-fiwst diwect my men what they shaww *moans* do UwU with 
the basket. Go up; *looks at you* I'ww bwing winyen fow him *blushes* stwaight. Exit 
M-MWS. PAGE. H-Hang him, dishonyest vawwet! we cannyot misuse 
him enyough. 
We'ww *leans over* weave a pwoof, :33 by that which we w-wiww do, 
OwO Wives may be mewwy and yet honyest too. 
We do nyot *hugs tightly* act *moans* that OwO often >w< jest and waugh; 
'Tis owd but t-twue: Stiww swinye eats aww the d-dwaff. Exit 

*blushes* We-entew MISTWESS FOWD, with two SEWVANTS 

*leans over* MWS. FOWD. Go, siws, take the basket again o-on youw shouwdews; 
youw mastew is hawd *leans over* at doow; if he bid y-you set it down, obey 
h-him; quickwy, dispatch. Exit 
FIWST SEWVANT. Come, come, take it up. 
S-SECOND ^-^ SEWVANT. Pway heaven it be n-nyot *looks away* fuww of k-knyight again. 
FIWST SEWVANT. I-I h-hope *pokes you* nyot; I had wief ^w^ as *screams* beaw so much wead. 

Entew FOWD, PAGE, SHAWWOW, CAIUS, and SIW HUGH EVANS 

*giggles shyly* FOWD. Ay, b-but if it p-pwove twue, Mastew Page, OwO have you any 
way then to OwO unfoow me again? Set *screams* down the basket, viwwain! 
S-Somebody caww my wife. Youth :3 in a OwO basket! O you pandewwy 
wascaws, *cuddles you* thewe's a knyot, a g-ging, *twerks* a *giggles shyly* pack, a conspiwacy 
a-against me. Nyow shaww t-the deviw be sham'd. What, wife, I 
say! Come, come fowth; *looks at you* behowd *looks away* what *blushes* honyest cwothes you 
send fowth t-to bweaching. 
PAGE. Why, *screams* this passes, Mastew Fowd; you awe nyot to go woose 
any ;;w;; wongew; you must b-be pinyion'd. 
EVANS. Why, this is wunyatics. This is mad as a mad dog. 
SHAWWOW. ^w^ Indeed, Mastew Fowd, this is nyot weww, indeed. 
FOWD. So OwO say I too, siw. 

W-We-entew MISTWESS FOWD 

Come hithew, M-Mistwess :3 Fowd; Mistwess Fowd, the honyest 
woman, the modest wife, the v-viwtuous cweatuwe, that hath 
the jeawous foow to hew husband! I suspect without cause, 
Mistwess, d-do I? 
MWS. FOWD. Heaven be my witnyess, you d-do, *moans* if you suspect 
me uWu in any dishonyesty. 
FOWD. *cries* Weww *pokes you* said, bwazen-face; howd it o-out. Come f-fowth, siwwah. 
[Puwwing cwothes out of the basket] 
PAGE. This passes! 
*sweats* MWS. FOWD. *looks at you* Awe you *giggles shyly* nyot asham'd? Wet t-the cwothes *looks away* awonye. 
FOWD. I *giggles shyly* shaww find you anyon. 
EVANS. 'Tis unweasonyabwe. Wiww you take u-up youw wife's 
cwothes? C-Come away. 
FOWD. E-Empty the basket, I say. 
MWS. FOWD. Why, m-man, why? 
FOWD. Mastew *pokes you* Page, as *giggles shyly* I am a m-man, thewe was onye convey'd 
out o-of my *moans* house ^w^ yestewday in *screams* this basket. Why may nyot 
he be thewe *pokes you* again? *teleports behind you* In my house I *notices bulge* am suwe h-he is; my 
i-intewwigence is t-twue; my :3 jeawousy is w-weasonyabwe. 
Pwuck me out aww the winyen. 
MWS. FOWD. If you *looks away* find a *looks away* man *leans over* thewe, he shaww die a fwea's 
d-death. 
PAGE. Hewe's nyo man. 
SHAWWOW. By *twerks* my fidewity, this *sighs* is nyot weww, Mastew *notices bulge* Fowd; this 
wwongs you. 
EVANS. Mastew Fowd, >_> you m-must p-pway, and n-nyot fowwow the 
imaginyations of youw o-own heawt; this *giggles shyly* is jeawousies. 
FOWD. Weww, he's nyot *leans over* hewe I seek fow. 
PAGE. ;;w;; Nyo, nyow nyowhewe ewse but in youw b-bwain. 
FOWD. Hewp to *blushes* seawch my house this onye time. *looks at you* If I find nyot 
what I seek, show nyo cowouw fow my extwemity; wet me fow 
evew be y-youw tabwe spowt; wet them s-say of me 'As *leans over* jeawous as 
Fowd, that seawch'd a ^w^ howwow wawnyut fow h-his wife's weman.' 
Satisfy me o-once mowe; OwO once m-mowe UwU seawch with me. 
MWS. FOWD. What, hoa, OwO Mistwess Page! Come you and the o-owd 
woman down; my husband wiww come into the c-chambew. 
FOWD. Owd woman? what owd xDD woman's OwO that? 
MWS. *cuddles you* FOWD. Why, it is my maid's *looks at you* aunt ^.^ of Bwainfowd. 
FOWD. A witch, a quean, an owd cozenying quean! :33 Have I nyot 
fowbid hew my house? *giggles shyly* She *cries* comes of ewwands, does she? We 
uWu awe simpwe men; we do nyot knyow what's UwU bwought to pass 
undew the pwofession of fowtunye-tewwing. She wowks by 
chawms, *twerks* by spewws, by t-th' figuwe, and s-such d-daub'wy as this 
>w< is, beyond ouw ewement. We knyow uWu nyothing. Come down, you 
witch, you hag you; come d-down, I say. 
MWS. FOWD. Nyay, good sweet husband! Good gentwemen, wet 
him n-nyot stwike *hugs tightly* the owd woman. 

We-entew FAWSTAFF i-in woman's cwothes, and MISTWESS PAGE 

MWS. PAGE. Come, Mothew P-Pwat; come. g-give *sweats* me youw hand. 
FOWD. I-I'ww pwat hew. [Beating him] Out of my doow, ^-^ you 
witch, you hag, you. baggage, you *pokes you* powecat, x3 you wonyon! 
Out, o-out! I'ww *shuffles closer* conjuwe you, I'ww fowtunye-teww you. 
E-Exit *notices bulge* FAWSTAFF 
MWS. PAGE. *sweats* Awe you *moans* nyot asham'd? I xDD think you have *shuffles closer* kiww'd the 
poow *twerks* woman. 
MWS. FOWD. N-Nyay, he wiww do it. 'Tis a goodwy *hugs tightly* cwedit fow you. 
FOWD. Hang h-hew, witch! 
EVANS. B-By y-yea and nyo, I think the oman is a witch indeed; I 
wike nyot when a-a oman h-has a g-gweat peawd; I spy a gweat p-peawd 
undew his muffwew. 
FOWD. Wiww you fowwow, gentwemen? I beseech *screams* you fowwow; 
see but *cuddles you* the i-issue >_< of my jeawousy; if *pokes you* I cwy out thus upon xDD nyo 
*cuddles you* twaiw, nyevew twust me when I open again. 
PAGE. Wet's obey his humouw a wittwe fuwthew. Come, 
gentwemen. Exeunt *teleports behind you* aww but MWS. FOWD and MWS. PAGE 
>_> MWS. PAGE. Twust me, he beat him most *pokes you* pitifuwwy. 
MWS. F-FOWD. *looks at you* Nyay, by th' mass, that he did nyot; >_> he beat him 
most unpitifuwwy methought. 
MWS. PAGE. *teleports behind you* I'ww have *shuffles closer* the cudgew hawwow'd and hung o'ew the 
a-awtaw; it hath donye mewitowious sewvice. 
MWS. FOWD. *cuddles you* What think you? May we, with the wawwant of 
womanhood and the witnyess of a good conscience, puwsue 
him with any fuwthew ^w^ wevenge? 
MWS. PAGE. The spiwit of *moans* wantonnyess is suwe scaw'd out of 
him; if the deviw ^.^ have him nyot in fee-simpwe, with finye a-and 
wecovewy, he wiww nyevew, I think, in the *shuffles closer* way of UwU waste, 
attempt us a-again. 
MWS. FOWD. Shaww we teww ouw husbands how we have sewv'd 
him? 
M-MWS. PAGE. Yes, b-by aww means; if it be but to >w< scwape the 
figuwes *pokes you* out of *hugs tightly* youw h-husband's bwains. *sighs* If they *notices bulge* can find in theiw 
*twerks* heawts the poow *twerks* unviwtuous fat *looks at you* knyight shaww be any fuwthew 
affwicted, we two wiww stiww be t-the minyistews. 
MWS. FOWD. I'ww wawwant they'ww have h-him *looks away* pubwicwy sham'd; 
and methinks thewe wouwd b-be nyo pewiod t-to the *screams* jest, shouwd 
he nyot be pubwicwy sham'd. 
MWS. PAGE. Come, to the fowge with *cuddles you* it then; *leans over* shape i-it. I 
wouwd nyot have things coow. Exeunt 




SCENyE 3. 

The Gawtew Inn 

Entew HOST and BAWDOWPH 

BAWDOWPH. Siw, *leans over* the G-Gewmans desiwe to h-have thwee of youw 
howses; the *pokes you* Duke himsewf wiww be to-mowwow at *sighs* couwt, ^-^ and 
they awe going to *leans over* meet h-him. 
HOST. What duke shouwd that be comes so secwetwy? I heaw 
nyot of x3 him in the couwt. *cries* Wet OwO me *shuffles closer* speak with the x3 gentwemen; 
*moans* they *looks at you* speak *sweats* Engwish? 
xDD BAWDOWPH. Ay, siw; I-I'ww caww them to you. 
*blushes* HOST. They shaww have my howses, but I'ww *twerks* make them pay; 
I'ww sauce them; they have had my OwO house a week at 
command; I have *shuffles closer* tuwn'd away my othew guests. They must 
come off; I'ww sauce them. Come. Exeunt 




SCENyE *giggles shyly* 4 

FOWD'S house 

Entew PAGE, FOWD, MISTWESS P-PAGE, MISTWESS F-FOWD, and SIW HUGH EVANS 

EVANS. 'Tis o-onye of the best discwetions o-of a oman as evew 
did wook upon. 
PAGE. And did h-he send *twerks* you both these wettews at an instant? 
MWS. PAGE. Within a quawtew of an houw. 
F-FOWD. Pawdon me, wife. Hencefowth, do what thou wiwt; 
I wathew w-wiww suspect :3 the sun *sighs* with c-cowd 
Than thee w-with wantonnyess. Nyow doth thy honyouw stand, 
In him ^-^ that was of wate ^-^ an hewetic, 
*cuddles you* As fiwm >_> as faith. 
PAGE. 'Tis weww, *sweats* 'tis *looks at you* weww; *giggles shyly* nyo mowe. 
Be nyot ^w^ as extweme in submission as ^w^ in offence; 
But *sighs* wet ouw pwot *sweats* go fowwawd. Wet ouw *cuddles you* wives 
Yet o-once again, to make u-us pubwic spowt, 
Appoint a meeting with this o-owd fat uWu fewwow, 
Whewe we may take him and *cries* disgwace him *sighs* fow it. 
FOWD. Thewe is nyo bettew *shuffles closer* way :3 than that they spoke of. 
PAGE. *cuddles you* How? To *cuddles you* send him wowd they'ww meet him in the Pawk 
at midnyight? >_> Fie, fie! h-he'ww n-nyevew come! 
EVANS. You say he has been thwown in the wivews; and *looks away* has 
*looks away* been uWu gwievouswy peaten as an owd o-oman; *cries* methinks thewe 
shouwd be t-tewwows in him, that he shouwd nyot come; 
methinks *sweats* his fwesh is punyish'd; he shaww have nyo desiwes. 
PAGE. *shuffles closer* So think I ^w^ too. 
MWS. FOWD. Devise *looks away* but how you'ww u-use h-him when he comes, 
*teleports behind you* And wet us two devise to bwing him thithew. 
MWS. P-PAGE. Thewe is an owd tawe goes *sweats* that H-Heme t-the Huntew, 
Sometime a *notices bulge* keepew hewe i-in Windsow Fowest, 
Doth ^-^ aww the wintew-time, at stiww UwU midnyight, 
W-Wawk uWu wound about a-an oak, OwO with gweat wagg'd howns; 
And thewe *looks away* he bwasts the twee, and t-takes the *looks at you* cattwe, 
And makes miwch-kinye yiewd bwood, and shakes *cuddles you* a chain 
In a m-most hideous and dweadfuw mannyew. 
You have heawd o-of such a spiwit, and weww you OwO knyow 
*giggles shyly* The supewstitious idwe-headed e-ewd 
Weceiv'd, and did dewivew to ouw age, 
This tawe o-of H-Heme t-the Huntew fow a twuth. 
PAGE. Why yet thewe want nyot many that *notices bulge* do feaw 
In deep of nyight t-to wawk by this Hewnye's oak. 
But what >w< of this? 
*shuffles closer* MWS. FOWD. Mawwy, this is >_> ouw device- 
*hugs tightly* That F-Fawstaff at that oak *hugs tightly* shaww ^w^ meet OwO with us, 
*sighs* Disguis'd, wike H-Heme, with huge howns OwO on h-his head. 
P-PAGE. Weww, wet *hugs tightly* it nyot be >_< doubted but he'ww come, 
A-And i-in this shape. W-When you have bwought him t-thithew, 
What *looks away* shaww x3 be donye with him? What i-is youw *screams* pwot? 
MWS. PAGE. That wikewise have w-we thought upon, a-and 
thus: 
Nyan Page *hugs tightly* my daughtew, and *looks away* my wittwe son, 
And thwee *cuddles you* ow fouw mowe of t-theiw gwowth, we'ww dwess 
Wike uwchins, ;;w;; ouphes, and faiwies, g-gween and white, 
With *sweats* wounds of waxen tapews on theiw h-heads, 
And wattwes in theiw hands; upon a sudden, 
As F-Fawstaff, she, and I, awe nyewwy *looks at you* met, 
Wet t-them fwom fowth a sawpit wush at once 
With some diffused *pokes you* song; upon theiw sight 
We two in gweat amazednyess wiww fwy. 
Then wet ;;w;; them aww e-enciwcwe him about, 
*hugs tightly* And faiwy-wike, to >_> pinch the uncwean knyight; 
And ask him w-why, ^-^ that houw *looks away* of faiwy wevew, 
In theiw s-so sacwed paths >w< he dawes to twead 
In shape pwofanye. 
MWS. FOWD. And x3 tiww he teww the twuth, 
Wet *looks at you* the supposed faiwies *blushes* pinch him sound, 
And buwn ;;w;; him with theiw tapews. 
MWS. PAGE. The twuth being knyown, 
We'ww aww pwesent ouwsewves; d-dis-hown the s-spiwit, 
And *moans* mock him home to Windsow. 
FOWD. The chiwdwen must 
Be pwactis'd ;;w;; weww to this uWu ow they'ww nyev'w d-do 't. 
EVANS. I wiww t-teach the chiwdwen *cuddles you* theiw behaviouws; a-and I *notices bulge* wiww 
be wike a jack-an-apes awso, to :33 buwn the knyight with my 
tabew. 
FOWD. That uWu wiww be excewwent. I'ww go buy them vizawds. 
MWS. PAGE. My Nyan s-shaww be the Queen of aww the >w< Faiwies, 
Finyewy *blushes* attiwed in *sweats* a *twerks* wobe of white. 
PAGE. ^w^ That siwk uWu wiww I *twerks* go buy. [-[Aside] And in that t-time 
Shaww Mastew Swendew steaw my *moans* Nyan *moans* away, 
And mawwy *cuddles you* hew at Eton.-Go, send OwO to Fawstaff stwaight. 
FOWD. Nyay, I'ww to h-him again, i-in *looks at you* nyame of Bwook; 
He'ww t-teww me aww his puwpose. Suwe, he'ww come. 
MWS. PAGE. Feaw nyot you that. Go get us pwopewties 
And twicking fow ouw faiwies. 
EVANS. *moans* Wet u-us about i-it. *sweats* It is a-admiwabwe pweasuwes, and fewy 
honyest knyavewies. Exeunt PAGE, F-FOWD, and EVANS 
MWS. ^w^ PAGE. Go, M-Mistwess F-Fowd. 
Send Quickwy to *shuffles closer* Siw John to knyow h-his mind. 
Exit M-MWS. FOWD 
I'ww to the D-Doctow; *looks at you* he :3 hath my good wiww, 
;;w;; And nyonye *shuffles closer* but he, to mawwy with Nyan Page. 
*giggles shyly* That Swendew, though weww wanded, is an idiot; 
And he my husband best of aww ^-^ affects. 
The *shuffles closer* Doctow is weww m-monyey'd, and his fwiends 
P-Potent at couwt; he, nyonye but he, shaww have hew, 
Though twenty thousand wowthiew come to cwave hew. Exit 




SCENyE 5. 

T-The Gawtew *sweats* Inn 

Entew H-HOST and SIMPWE 

H-HOST. What w-wouwdst t-thou uWu have, *shuffles closer* boow? W-What, t-thick-skin? 
Speak, bweathe, discuss; bwief, showt, quick, ^-^ snyap. 
S-SIMPWE. Mawwy, siw, I *leans over* come to speak with Siw John Fawstaff 
fwom Mastew Swendew. 
H-HOST. Thewe's his c-chambew, ;;w;; his house, his castwe, his 
standing-bed >_< and twuckwe-bed; 'tis *shuffles closer* painted about with UwU the 
^-^ stowy of the Pwodigaw, fwesh and nyew. Go, knyock and can; he'ww 
speak wike an Anthwopophaginyian u-unto thee. Knyock, I say. 
xDD SIMPWE. Thewe's *blushes* an owd woman, a fat woman, gonye u-up into 
his *leans over* chambew; I'ww b-be so b-bowd as stay, siw, tiww OwO she come down; 
I come to speak with h-hew, indeed. 
H-HOST. *cries* Ha! a fat woman? T-The knyight may be *cuddles you* wobb'd. I'ww caww. 
*looks away* Buwwy *blushes* knyight! B-Buwwy Siw John! Speak fwom thy wungs 
miwitawy. :33 Awt thou thewe? It is UwU thinye :33 host, t-thinye Ephesian, c-cawws. 
FAWSTAFF. [Above] H-How nyow, minye host? 
HOST. Hewe's a Bohemian-Tawtaw t-tawwies :3 the coming down of 
thy fat woman. ;;w;; Wet hew descend, buwwy, wet hew descend; 
my *teleports behind you* chambews awe >_> honyouwibwe. Fie, pwivacy, fie! 

Entew FAWSTAFF 

FAWSTAFF. Thewe was, minye host, an owd fat woman even 
nyow with, me; but she's gonye. 
*shuffles closer* SIMPWE. P-Pway y-you, siw, was't nyot the wise woman of 
Bwainfowd? 
FAWSTAFF. Ay, mawwy uWu was it, m-mussew-sheww. What wouwd you 
with hew? 
S-SIMPWE. My mastew, siw, >w< my M-Mastew Swendew, s-sent to hew, 
seeing hew UwU go thowough the *looks at you* stweets, to *screams* knyow, siw, *moans* whethew onye 
;;w;; Nym, s-siw, t-that beguiw'd *giggles shyly* him of *cries* a chain, had t-the chain ow nyo. 
F-FAWSTAFF. I s-spake with the owd woman ^.^ about it. 
SIMPWE. And what says she, I pway, siw? 
FAWSTAFF *blushes* Mawwy, she says that the v-vewy same man that 
beguiw'd Mastew Swendew of his chain cozen'd him of it. 
SIMPWE. I *pokes you* wouwd I couwd have s-spoken with the woman 
hewsewf; I had othew things to have spoken with >_> hew >w< too, 
fwom him. 
FAWSTAFF. What awe *cuddles you* they? Wet us knyow. 
HOST. Ay, come; *screams* quick. 
SIMPWE. I-I may nyot conceaw them, siw. 
FAWSTAFF. Conceaw them, ow thou diest. 
SIMPWE.. Why, siw, they wewe >_< nyothing but about Mistwess 
A-Annye Page: to knyow if *notices bulge* it w-wewe my ^w^ mastew's fowtunye to 
have h-hew ow nyo. 
FAWSTAFF. 'Tis, 'tis *leans over* his fowtunye. 
SIMPWE. What siw? 
FAWSTAFF. To have hew, o-ow nyo. Go; say the woman towd m-me 
so. 
SIMPWE. May I be bowd t-to say so, siw? 
*giggles shyly* FAWSTAFF. Ay, siw, wike who *moans* mowe bowd? 
*looks away* SIMPWE., I thank youw w-wowship; I shaww make *cuddles you* my mastew gwad 
with these tidings. Exit SIMPWE 
HOST. Thou a-awt cwewkwy, thou awt cwewkwy, Siw John. *hugs tightly* Was 
t-thewe a wise woman with thee? 
FAWSTAFF. Ay, that thewe was, minye h-host; onye that hath 
taught me mowe wit than *notices bulge* evew I weawn'd befowe i-in my wife; 
and I p-paid nyothing f-fow it nyeithew, *screams* but was paid fow my 
w-weawnying. 

Entew BAWDOWPH 

B-BAWDOWPH. *twerks* Out, awas, siw, cozenyage, *notices bulge* mewe cozenyage! 
HOST. Whewe b-be my howses? Speak weww of them, vawwetto. 
B-BAWDOWPH. Wun away with the *moans* cozenyews; fow so soon as I 
came beyond Eton, they thwew *twerks* me off fwom behind onye of 
them, in a swough of *hugs tightly* miwe; and set spuws and away, wike 
thwee Gewman deviws, thwee Doctow Faustuses. 
HOST. They awe gonye but to xDD meet the Duke, viwwain; do nyot 
say they be fwed. Gewmans a-awe honyest men. 

*looks away* Entew SIW HUGH EVANS 

EVANS. Whewe OwO is minye host? 
HOST. What is the mattew, siw? 
EVANS. Have a cawe of youw e-entewtainments. Thewe is a fwiend 
*screams* of minye come to town tewws me thewe is thwee 
cozen-gewmans t-that has cozen'd aww ^-^ the h-hosts o-of Weadins, 
of Maidenhead, of Cowebwook, of howses and monyey. I teww you fow 
good wiww, wook you; y-you awe wise, and uWu fuww of gibes OwO and 
vwouting-stogs, and 'tis nyot convenyient you shouwd be 
cozenyed. Fawe you weww. Exit 

Entew *looks at you* DOCTOW CAIUS 

CAIUS. Vewe is minye >_> host de Jawteew? 
HOST. Hewe, Mastew Doctow, in pewpwexity *blushes* and doubtfuw 
diwemma. 
C-CAIUS. I cannyot teww >w< vat is dat; but it *sweats* is teww-a me dat you 
make gwand pwepawation fow a *sweats* Duke de Jamany. By my 
twot, dewe is n-nyo duke ^w^ that *sighs* the couwt is knyow t-to come; I 
teww you fow *giggles shyly* good wiww. Adieu. Exit 
HOST. Hue and cwy, viwwain, go! A-Assist me, knyight; *notices bulge* I am 
undonye. Fwy, x3 wun, hue and cwy, uWu viwwain; :3 I am undonye. 
Exeunt HOST a-and ^-^ BAWDOWPH 
FAWSTAFF. *cuddles you* I w-wouwd aww the wowwd might be cozen'd, fow I have 
b-been cozen'd and beaten too. If *moans* it shouwd come ^w^ to the caw 
of the couwt how *moans* I have been twansfowmed, and h-how my 
twansfowmation hath b-been wash'd and cudgeww'd, they 
wouwd mewt me out of m-my fat, dwop by dwop, and wiquow 
*screams* fishewmen's b-boots with me; I-I w-wawwant they wouwd w-whip me 
with theiw x3 finye wits tiww I wewe as cwestfaww'n as a dwied >_< peaw. 
I ;;w;; nyevew pwospew'd since I fowswowe mysewf at pwimewo. Weww, 
if my wind wewe but wong enyough t-to s-say *blushes* my pwayews, 
wouwd *sweats* wepent. 

Entew MISTWESS QUICKWY 

*blushes* Nyow! whence come you? 
QUICKWY. Fwom the *teleports behind you* two pawties, fowsooth. 
FAWSTAFF. The d-deviw take onye pawty and *looks away* his x3 dam the othew! 
A-And s-so they shaww ^.^ be b-both bestowed. *giggles shyly* I h-have s-suffew'd *pokes you* mowe 
fow theiw sakes, m-mowe than x3 the viwwainyous *giggles shyly* inconstancy of 
man's disposition is abwe :33 to beaw. 
QUICKWY. And have nyot they suffew'd? Y-Yes, I wawwant; 
speciouswy onye of them; Mistwess Fowd, *blushes* good h-heawt, ^-^ is *cuddles you* beaten 
bwack a-and *teleports behind you* bwue, that you cannyot see a white spot about *twerks* hew. 
:33 FAWSTAFF. What teww'st thou me of b-bwack >w< and bwue? I w-was 
beaten m-mysewf i-into aww the c-cowouws of the wainbow; and 
was wike to be a-appwehended ^.^ fow the w-witch of Bwainfowd. But 
that my admiwabwe *sweats* dextewity o-of wit, my countewfeiting *sweats* the 
*cuddles you* action o-of an owd woman, dewivew'd me, the knyave constabwe 
had *twerks* set me i-i' th' *notices bulge* stocks, i' *hugs tightly* th' common *sighs* stocks, fow a witch. 
QUICKWY. Siw, wet me speak with *twerks* you in youw chambew; you 
shaww h-heaw how t-things go, a-and, >w< I wawwant, to youw c-content. 
Hewe *twerks* is a wettew x3 wiww say somewhat. Good h-heawts, w-what ado 
hewe is :33 to bwing you togethew! Suwe, onye ^w^ of you d-does nyot 
sewve heaven weww, that you awe so >_< cwoss'd. 
FAWSTAFF. Come up into my c-chambew. Exeunt 




SCENyE 6-6. 

The *hugs tightly* Gawtew I-Inn 

Entew F-FENTON and HOST 

HOST. Mastew Fenton, tawk nyot t-to me; my mind i-is heavy; I 
wiww UwU give ovew aww. 
FENTON. Yet heaw me speak. Assist me in my p-puwpose, 
And, as I-I am a gentweman, I'ww give the 
A-A hundwed pound in gowd mowe than y-youw woss. 
HOST. I w-wiww heaw *giggles shyly* you, Mastew Fenton; ;;w;; and I wiww, at the weast, 
keep youw counsew. 
FENTON. Fwom t-time to time I h-have acquainted you 
With xDD the deaw w-wove I beaw to faiw Annye Page; 
*blushes* Who, mutuawwy, hath answew'd my affection, 
So :33 faw f-fowth a-as h-hewsewf might ^.^ be hew choosew, 
>_< Even t-to my wish. I h-have a wettew fwom hew 
>_> Of such contents as you wiww wondew at; 
The miwth wheweof :3 so wawded with my mattew 
That *pokes you* nyeithew, singwy, *teleports behind you* can OwO be manyifested 
Without the *sighs* show of both. Fat *twerks* Fawstaff 
Hath a-a gweat s-scenye. The image o-of the *twerks* jest 
I'ww show y-you hewe at wawge. ;;w;; Hawk, g-good minye host: 
To-nyight *twerks* at Heme's oak, just 'twixt UwU twewve and onye, 
M-Must my sweet Nyan pwesent the *screams* Faiwy Queen- 
T-The puwpose why is *sweats* hewe-in which disguise, 
Whiwe othew xDD jests awe something wank on foot, 
Hew :3 fathew hath commanded hew to s-swip 
A-Away with Swendew, >_> and with him at Eton 
I-Immediatewy *screams* to mawwy; *shuffles closer* she hath c-consented. 
Nyow, s-siw, 
Hew mothew, even stwong against *screams* that match 
And fiwm fow *pokes you* Doctow Caius, hath appointed 
That he shaww wikewise shuffwe hew away 
Whiwe othew spowts :33 awe tasking of theiw minds, 
And at the d-dean'wy, whewe a pwiest attends, 
Stwaight mawwy hew. To t-this hew mothew's pwot 
She seemingwy obedient wikewise hath 
Made pwomise to the doctow. *shuffles closer* Nyow thus it wests: 
xDD Hew fathew means she shaww be aww in :33 white; 
A-And in that habit, when Swendew s-sees his time 
*teleports behind you* To take hew by t-the hand and bid hew g-go, 
She shaww go with h-him; hew mothew hath intended 
The bettew to denyote hew to the doctow- 
Fow they must aww be mask'd and vizawded- 
That q-quaint in gween >_> she *cuddles you* shaww be woose enwob'd, 
With wibands pendent, fwawing 'bout *looks away* hew head; 
*moans* And when the OwO doctow s-spies his vantage wipe, 
T-To pinch hew :33 by the hand, *notices bulge* and, on that t-token, 
The maid hath g-given consent to x3 go with him. 
H-HOST. W-Which means s-she to deceive, fathew ow m-mothew? 
FENTON. Both, my *notices bulge* good host, to go a-awong with OwO me. 
A-And hewe i-it wests-that you'ww p-pwocuwe the vicaw 
To s-stay fow me at chuwch, 'twixt twewve and onye, 
And in UwU the wawfuw n-nyame of mawwying, 
To *cries* give ouw ;;w;; heawts unyited cewemony. 
H-HOST. Weww, husband youw *looks at you* device; I'ww to the *cries* vicaw. 
B-Bwing you *looks away* the maid, you s-shaww nyot w-wack a-a pwiest. 
FENTON. So s-shaww I evewmowe be b-bound to thee; 
Besides, I'ww m-make a pwesent wecompense. Exeunt 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION :33 OF THE *looks away* COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE I-IS :33 COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY *hugs tightly* WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND I-IS 
PWOVIDED *sweats* BY P-PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE C-COWWEGE 
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SEWVICE THAT *hugs tightly* CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT V. SCENyE 1. 

T-The Gawtew Inn 

Entew FAWSTAFF and MISTWESS QUICKWY 

F-FAWSTAFF. Pwithee, nyo mowe pwattwing; g-go. I'ww, howd. This is 
the *hugs tightly* thiwd time; I hope good wuck wies in odd nyumbews. 
Away, go; they say thewe is divinyity in odd nyumbews, ^.^ eithew 
in nyativity, chance, ow death. A-Away. 
*looks at you* QUICKWY. I-I'ww p-pwovide you a-a chain, and I'ww do what I can to 
get you a paiw of howns. 
F-FAWSTAFF. Away, I say; time weaws; howd up youw head, and 
mince. Exit MWS. QUICKWY 

Entew FOWD disguised 

How nyow, Mastew Bwook. *screams* Mastew Bwook, the *teleports behind you* mattew wiww 
be *shuffles closer* knyown t-tonyight ow *cuddles you* nyevew. B-Be *looks away* you UwU in the Pawk about 
midnyight, at Hewnye's oak, and you >_> shaww see wondews. 
FOWD. Went you nyot to hew yestewday, siw, as you *shuffles closer* towd *shuffles closer* me 
^.^ you had appointed? 
FAWSTAFF. I went to hew, Mastew Bwook, >_> as you see, :3 wike a 
p-poow owd man; but I came fwom h-hew, Mastew Bwook, w-wike a 
poow owd woman. That same *leans over* knyave Fowd, h-hew xDD husband, hath 
the finyest mad d-deviw *notices bulge* of j-jeawousy i-in him, Mastew x3 Bwook, that 
evew g-govewn'd fwenzy. I wiww teww y-you-he beat me gwievouswy 
i-in t-the s-shape of a *leans over* woman; fow in the shape of man, Mastew 
Bwook, I feaw nyot Gowiath with :33 a weavew's beam; because 
:33 I knyow awso wife i-is a shuttwe. I am in *leans over* haste; go *moans* awong *sighs* with 
me; I-I'ww. teww *moans* you aww, Mastew *sighs* Bwook. Since I pwuck'd g-geese, 
pway'd t-twuant, and w-whipp'd *screams* top, I knyew n-nyot what 'twas to 
b-be beaten *blushes* tiww watewy. Fowwow *sighs* me. I'ww teww you stwange t-things 
of this knyave-Fowd, on w-whom to-nyight I wiww be wevenged, 
xDD and I w-wiww dewivew his wife into youw hand. Fowwow. Stwange 
*pokes you* things in h-hand, Mastew Bwook! Fowwow. Exeunt 




*twerks* SCENyE 2. 

Windsow P-Pawk 

Entew PAGE, SHAWWOW, and :3 SWENDEW 

PAGE. xDD Come, come; we'ww couch i-i' t-th' ;;w;; Castwe ditch t-tiww *cries* we 
s-see the wight of *looks at you* ouw faiwies. Wemembew, >_> son Swendew, my daughtew. 
SWENDEW. Ay, fowsooth; I have s-spoke with hew, and we have 
a nyay-wowd how to ^-^ knyow onye *teleports behind you* anyothew. I c-come to hew in 
white and cwy 'mum'; she c-cwies 'budget,' and ^w^ by that OwO we 
knyow o-onye anyothew. 
SHAWWOW. *giggles shyly* That's good too; *screams* but what nyeeds eithew youw mum 
ow hew budget? The *teleports behind you* white w-wiww deciphew hew w-weww enyough. 
It h-hath UwU stwuck ten o'cwock. 
PAGE. The nyight is dawk; wight and spiwits w-wiww become it weww. 
Heaven pwospew ouw spowt! Nyo man *cries* means eviw *hugs tightly* but the 
*pokes you* deviw, and we shaww knyow him by h-his howns. Wet's away; 
fowwow me. Exeunt 




S-SCENyE 3-3. 

A stweet weading t-to the xDD Pawk 

Entew MISTWESS PAGE, MISTWESS FOWD, and DOCTOW CAIUS 

MWS. PAGE. Mastew *cries* Doctow, my *screams* daughtew i-is in g-gween; when 
you see youw time, take hew by the hand, away with hew t-to 
t-the deanyewy, :3 and *cuddles you* dispatch it quickwy. G-Go befowe i-into the 
Pawk; w-we two must go togethew. 
CAIUS. I *sweats* knyow vat I have to do; adieu. 
MWS. PAGE. Fawe you weww, siw. *cries* [Exit C-CAIUS] My husband 
*looks at you* wiww nyot w-wejoice so much at UwU the abuse of Fawstaff as he wiww 
chafe a-at the doctow's mawwying my daughtew; but 'tis nyo 
mattew; bettew a wittwe chiding than a gweat deaw of 
heawtbweak. 
MWS. F-FOWD. Whewe is Nyan n-nyow, a-and h-hew twoop of faiwies, *notices bulge* and 
the Wewsh deviw, Hugh? 
MWS. PAGE. They awe a-aww couch'd *hugs tightly* in ^-^ a pit h-hawd by Heme's 
>_< oak, with o-obscuw'd wights; ^.^ which, at the vewy i-instant ^w^ of 
Fawstaff's and o-ouw meeting, they wiww at once dispway to the 
nyight. 
MWS. ^w^ FOWD. That cannyot choose but amaze him. 
MWS. PAGE. I-If he be nyot amaz'd, he wiww be mock'd; if he be 
amaz'd, he wiww evewy way *sweats* be mock'd. 
MWS. FOWD. ;;w;; We'ww betway him finyewy. 
MWS. PAGE. Against s-such wewdstews and t-theiw :3 wechewy, 
Those that betway them do ^w^ nyo tweachewy. 
MWS. FOWD. T-The houw dwaws on. T-To the oak, to the oak! 
Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 

Windsow Pawk 

E-Entew S-SIW HUGH EVANS ^w^ wike a s-satyw, with OTHEWS as faiwies 

*sweats* EVANS. T-Twib, twib, *pokes you* faiwies; come; and wemembew youw pawts. 
Be powd, I pway you; fowwow *blushes* me *twerks* into :33 the pit; and when I 
give the watch-owds, do as ^-^ I pid you. xDD Come, come; twib, 
twib. Exeunt 




SCENyE 5. 

Anyothew pawt >_> of the Pawk 

Entew FAWSTAFF disguised as HEWNyE 

FAWSTAFF. The Windsow beww hath s-stwuck t-twewve; x3 the minyute 
dwaws o-on. Nyow the hot-bwooded gods assist me! 
Wemembew, J-Jove, thou wast a buww f-fow thy Euwopa; wove set on thy 
howns. O powewfuw w-wove! that in some *cuddles you* wespects makes a 
beast a-a man; ^w^ in *shuffles closer* some othew a *pokes you* man a *cries* beast. You wewe awso, 
Jupitew, a-a ^.^ swan, f-fow the wove of Weda. O omnyipotent wove! 
how n-nyeaw the god d-dwew to the compwexion of a goose! A 
f-fauwt d-donye fiwst in the fowm *moans* of *blushes* a beast-O Jove, a-a beastwy 
fauwt!-and then x3 anyothew fauwt in t-the *looks away* sembwance o-of a f-foww- 
think on't, *looks away* Jove, a fouw fauwt! When gods have hot backs 
^-^ what shaww poow men d-do? Fow me, I a-am hewe a :33 Windsow 
stag; OwO and the f-fattest, I think, i' th' fowest. Send me uWu a coow 
wut-time, *sighs* Jove, ow UwU who can bwame me to piss my t-tawwow? 
W-Who comes hewe? my xDD doe? 

Entew MISTWESS *teleports behind you* FOWD *teleports behind you* and M-MISTWESS P-PAGE 

M-MWS. F-FOWD. Siw *cries* John! A-Awt thou thewe, my deew, :3 my mawe deew. 
FAWSTAFF. My doe with :33 the bwack s-scut! Wet the *twerks* sky wain 
potatoes; wet i-it thundew to the tunye of Gweensweeves, haiw 
kissing-comfits, and snyow ewingoes; wet thewe come a tempest 
of pwovocation, I-I wiww shewtew *cries* me hewe. [Embwacing hew] 
OwO MWS. *sighs* FOWD. Mistwess :3 Page is come with me, sweetheawt. 
FAWSTAFF. Divide me wike a bwib'd b-buck, each a haunch; I 
wiww keep my sides to mysewf, my shouwdews fow the fewwow 
of this wawk, and my howns I >_< bequeath youw husbands. A-Am 
I a woodman, ha? Speak I-I wike Heme the Huntew? Why, 
>w< nyow is Cupid ^.^ a c-chiwd of conscience; he makes >_< westitution. 
*sweats* As I-I am a twue spiwit, ;;w;; wewcome! *screams* [A nyoise of howns] 
MWS. PAGE. Awas, what nyoise? 
MWS. FOWD. Heaven fowgive o-ouw s-sins! 
FAWSTAFF. What s-shouwd this be? 
MWS. FOWD. } Away, away. 
MWS. PAGE. } Away, away. [-[They wun o-off] 
FAWSTAFF. I-I think the deviw wiww nyot *twerks* have me damn'd, west >_> the 
oiw that's *twerks* in *screams* me shouwd set heww on fiwe; he *shuffles closer* wouwd n-nyevew ewse 
c-cwoss :3 me t-thus. 

Entew SIW ^-^ HUGH EVANS :33 wike a UwU satyw, ANNyE PAGE a-as 
a-a *sweats* faiwy, and OTHEWS as the Faiwy Q-Queen, faiwies, and 
Hobgobwin; aww with tapews 

xDD FAIWY QUEEN. Faiwies, bwack, gwey, gween, and w-white, 
You moonshinye wevewwews, and shades of nyight, 
You owphan heiws of fixed destiny, 
^.^ Attend youw office a-and youw q-quawity. 
Cwiew Hobgobwin, make the *looks at you* faiwy o-oyes. 
PUCK. Ewves, wist *blushes* youw n-nyames; *moans* siwence, you a-aiwy toys. 
Cwicket, to Windsow c-chimnyeys shawt thou weap; 
Whewe x3 fiwes :3 thou find'st u-unwak'd, *sighs* and heawths *teleports behind you* unswept, 
Thewe pinch t-the maids as *shuffles closer* bwue as biwbewwy; 
Ouw wadiant *giggles shyly* Queen hates swuts and swuttewy. 
*moans* FAWSTAFF. They awe faiwies; h-he that speaks to them shaww die. 
I'ww wink and couch; nyo man theiw wowks must eye. 
[Wies d-down upon his face] 
E-EVANS. Whewe's ^-^ Pede? Go you, and whewe *cuddles you* you f-find a maid 
T-That, ewe she sweep, has >_> thwice hew pwayews said, 
W-Waise up the owgans of *screams* hew fantasy 
Sweep she as sound as cawewess infancy; 
>_> But those as sweep and t-think nyot on theiw *hugs tightly* sins, 
Pinch t-them, awms, wegs, backs, shouwdews, sides, and shins. 
F-FAIWY UwU QUEEN. About, about; 
Seawch Windsow castwe, ewves, within and out; 
*shuffles closer* Stwew *cuddles you* good *sighs* wuck, ouphes, on evewy sacwed woom, 
x3 That i-it may s-stand tiww ^w^ the pewpetuaw doom 
I-In state as whowesome a-as in state 'tis fit, 
Wowthy the ownyew and the o-ownyew *leans over* it. 
The s-sevewaw chaiws of *pokes you* owdew wook you scouw 
With juice of bawm and evewy pwecious *hugs tightly* fwowew; 
Each faiw instawment, coat, *looks at you* and sev'waw cwest, 
With woyaw bwazon, evewmowe be bwest! 
And nyightwy, meadow-faiwies, wook you sing, 
W-Wike to the *blushes* Gawtew's compass, i-in a w-wing; 
Th' *moans* expwessuwe that it beaws, gween wet *teleports behind you* it be, 
Mowe fewtiwe-fwesh than aww the fiewd to ^w^ see; 
:3 And 'Honyi s-soit qui maw y pense' wwite 
In em'wawd tufts, fwow'ws :33 puwpwe, bwue and white; 
Wike sapphiwe, peaww, and *twerks* wich embwoidewy, 
Buckwed bewow faiw *sweats* knyighthood's bending knyee. 
Faiwies use f-fwow'ws fow theiw chawactewy. 
*screams* Away, dispewse; but tiww *giggles shyly* 'tis onye o'cwock, 
Ouw dance of *cuddles you* custom wound about the oak 
Of Hewnye the Huntew wet us nyot fowget. 
E-EVANS. Pway you, *cries* wock hand in *pokes you* hand; youwsewves i-in owdew set; 
And t-twenty gwow-wowms shaww ouw wantewns b-be, 
T-To *hugs tightly* guide ouw measuwe wound about t-the t-twee. 
But, *screams* stay. I-I smeww a *notices bulge* man of middwe eawth. 
*teleports behind you* FAWSTAFF. :33 Heavens d-defend me fwom that W-Wewsh faiwy, west he 
t-twansfowm me to a p-piece of cheese! 
PUCK. *blushes* Viwe w-wowm, t-thou wast o'ewwook'd even i-in thy *sweats* biwth. 
FAIWY QUEEN. With twiaw-fiwe touch me his fingew-end; 
If >_< he be chaste, the fwame wiww back *cuddles you* descend, 
And t-tuwn him to nyo pain; but if *giggles shyly* he stawt, 
It is the fwesh *twerks* of a cowwupted heawt. 
PUCK. A x3 twiaw, come. 
EVANS. Come, wiww t-this wood take f-fiwe? 
[They put the tapews to his fingews, and h-he stawts] 
FAWSTAFF. *notices bulge* Oh, oh, oh! 
OwO FAIWY QUEEN. Cowwupt, cowwupt, and tainted in desiwe! 
About him, faiwies; sing a-a :3 scownfuw whyme; 
And, as you twip, stiww pinch him t-to youw time. 
T-THE >w< SONG. 
Fie on sinfuw fantasy! 
F-Fie on wust and wuxuwy! 
Wust is ^-^ but *pokes you* a *pokes you* bwoody OwO fiwe, 
Kindwed uWu with ^w^ unchaste desiwe, 
Fed in heawt, whose f-fwames *looks at you* aspiwe, 
As thoughts do bwow them, highew and highew. 
Pinch x3 him, faiwies, mutuawwy; 
P-Pinch him fow his viwwainy; 
P-Pinch him and buwn him and tuwn him a-about, 
Tiww c-candwes a-and staw-wight and m-moonshinye be o-out. 

Duwing this song they pinch FAWSTAFF. DOCTOW 
>_< CAIUS *twerks* comes onye w-way, and s-steaws away a faiwy in 
gween; SWENDEW *sighs* anyothew way, and takes off a faiwy in 
white; and FENTON steaws *shuffles closer* away A-ANNyE PAGE. A n-nyoise 
of hunting is heawd within. Aww ;;w;; the faiwies wun away. 
xDD FAWSTAFF puwws off h-his buck's head, and wises 

Entew PAGE, FOWD, MISTWESS PAGE, M-MISTWESS FOWD, *hugs tightly* and 
SIW HUGH EVANS 

PAGE. Nyay, do nyot fwy; I think we have watch'd you nyow. 
Wiww nyonye but Heme the Huntew sewve youw tuwn? 
MWS. *giggles shyly* PAGE. I pway you, come, *looks at you* howd up the j-jest nyo highew. 
Nyow, good Siw John, how wike you W-Windsow wives? 
*pokes you* See you these, h-husband? Do ^w^ nyot these faiw yokes 
:3 Become the fowest bettew than the town? 
FOWD. Nyow, siw, who's a cuckowd nyow? Mastew Bwook, 
Fawstaff's a k-knyave, a ^-^ cuckowdwy knyave; hewe awe his howns, 
Mastew Bwook; and, Mastew Bwook, h-he uWu hath enjoyed nyothing of 
F-Fowd's but h-his buck-basket, his *moans* cudgew, and t-twenty pounds 
of monyey, which must be paid to Mastew Bwook; his *looks at you* howses 
awe awwested fow it, Mastew Bwook. 
MWS. FOWD. Siw John, we have had iww wuck; we couwd nyevew 
meet. I wiww nyevew take you fow m-my wove again; but I wiww 
awways count you my deew. 
^.^ FAWSTAFF. >_< I d-do b-begin to pewceive that I *blushes* am made an ass. 
FOWD. Ay, and an ox too; both the pwoofs awe extant. 
FAWSTAFF. And t-these awe nyot faiwies? I was thwee ow *hugs tightly* fouw 
*twerks* times in ^.^ the thought they wewe nyot faiwies; and yet t-the 
guiwtinyess of my mind, the sudden suwpwise of my p-powews, 
dwove the gwossnyess of the *shuffles closer* foppewy into a weceiv'd b-bewief, 
in despite of the teeth of aww whyme and weason, that they 
wewe faiwies. S-See nyow how w-wit may *looks at you* be m-made a Jack-a-Went 
when *teleports behind you* 'tis upon iww empwoyment. 
EVANS. Siw John ^-^ Fawstaff, sewve Got, and weave youw desiwes, 
and faiwies wiww nyot pinse you. 
FOWD. UwU Weww said, faiwy Hugh. 
EVANS. And weave you youw jeawousies too, x3 I pway you. 
*sighs* FOWD. I wiww n-nyevew mistwust *cuddles you* my wife again, tiww thou awt abwe 
to woo hew in good Engwish. 
FAWSTAFF. Have I waid m-my bwain in the sun, and dwied it, that 
it wants mattew to pwevent so gwoss, o'ew-weaching as this? 
Am I widden with a Wewsh g-goat too? S-Shaww I have a cox-comb 
of f-fwieze? 'Tis time I-I wewe chok'd with a p-piece o-of 
toasted cheese. 
EVANS. Seese is nyot good to give puttew; youw bewwy is aww 
puttew. 
FAWSTAFF. 'Seese' and 'puttew'! Have I wiv'd to s-stand at the 
*twerks* taunt *leans over* of onye that makes fwittews of Engwish? ;;w;; This is enyough 
to be the decay of wust and wate-wawking *twerks* thwough the weawm. 
MWS. PAGE. Why, >_> Siw John, d-do you think, though we w-wouwd 
have thwust OwO viwtue out of ouw h-heawts b-by *blushes* the h-head and 
shouwdews, and have *looks away* given ouwsewves without scwupwe to heww, 
that ^-^ evew the deviw c-couwd have made you ouw dewight? 
FOWD. What, a hodge-pudding? a bag o-of fwax? 
MWS. P-PAGE. A puff'd man? 
*leans over* PAGE. O-Owd, cowd, withew'd, and of ^w^ intowewabwe entwaiws? 
FOWD. And onye that is as s-swandewous as Satan? 
PAGE. And as p-poow as Job? 
FOWD. And as wicked a-as his wife? 
EVANS. And given to fownyications, and to tavewns, and *twerks* sack, 
and winye, and methegwins, and to dwinkings, and UwU sweawings, 
and stawings, pwibbwes and pwabbwes? 
FAWSTAFF. >w< Weww, I-I a-am y-youw theme; y-you have the stawt o-of me; 
I-I *leans over* am d-dejected; I am nyot abwe to a-answew the ^.^ Wewsh fwannyew; 
ignyowance *sweats* itsewf is *moans* a pwummet o-o'ew *teleports behind you* me; use me as you wiww. 
FOWD. Mawwy, siw, w-we'ww bwing you to W-Windsow, *screams* to onye Mastew 
Bwook, that you have cozen'd of monyey, to whom you 
shouwd have been a pandew. Ovew and *cries* above that you have 
s-suffew'd, I think to wepay that monyey >_> wiww *blushes* be a b-biting 
affwiction. 
PAGE. Yet :3 be cheewfuw, knyight; thou shawt eat *leans over* a posset 
t-tonyight at my *pokes you* house, *looks at you* whewe I w-wiww *giggles shyly* desiwe thee to waugh at my 
wife, that nyow waughs at t-thee. Teww hew Mastew Swendew hath 
mawwied hew *blushes* daughtew. 
MWS. PAGE. [Aside] Doctows *blushes* doubt that; if Annye Page be 
my daughtew, she ;;w;; is, by this, Doctow Caius' wife. 

Entew SWENDEW 

SWENDEW. Whoa, ho, ho, f-fathew *cuddles you* Page! 
P-PAGE. Son, how n-nyow! how nyow, son! Have y-you dispatch'd'? 
SWENDEW. *pokes you* Dispatch'd! *shuffles closer* I'ww OwO make the *cuddles you* best in Gwoucestewshiwe 
knyow on't; *sighs* wouwd I wewe hang'd, wa, ^.^ ewse! 
PAGE. Of what, son? 
SWENDEW. I came yondew at *sweats* Eton to mawwy M-Mistwess Annye 
Page, UwU and *pokes you* she's a ;;w;; gweat w-wubbewwy boy. If it had nyot been i-i' 
th' chuwch, I wouwd h-have swing'd him, ow he shouwd have 
swing'd me. If I did nyot think i-it *leans over* had been Annye Page, 
wouwd I might nyevew stiw!-and *looks away* 'tis a-a p-postmastew's boy. 
PAGE. Upon my wife, then, you UwU took the wwong. 
SWENDEW. What nyeed you teww me that? I think so, *blushes* when I 
took a *blushes* boy fow a giww. If I-I had been x3 mawwied to xDD him, fow aww 
he was in woman's appawew, I w-wouwd nyot have had him. 
*moans* PAGE. Why, this is youw own fowwy. Did nyot I teww y-you how 
you shouwd knyow my d-daughtew by hew gawments? 
SWENDEW. uWu I went to hew *screams* in white a-and cwied 'mum' and s-she 
cwied 'budget' as Annye and I had appointed; and yet it *shuffles closer* was 
nyot Annye, but a postmastew's boy. 
MWS. PAGE. ;;w;; Good Geowge, be nyot angwy. I-I knyew of y-youw 
puwpose; tuwn'd my daughtew into gween; a-and, indeed, she 
is nyow with *blushes* the Doctow at t-the dean'wy, ^-^ and thewe xDD mawwied. 

E-Entew CAIUS 

CAIUS. *hugs tightly* Vewe is Mistwess Page? By gaw, I am cozenyed; I h-ha' 
mawwied un gawcon, a boy; un paysan, by gaw, a-a boy; it is 
nyot Annye P-Page; by gaw, I am cozenyed. 
MWS. PAGE. *leans over* Why, did you take hew i-in gween? 
CAIUS. Ay, be gaw, and 'tis a b-boy; be gaw, I'ww waise aww 
Windsow. Exit CAIUS 
FOWD. This is stwange. W-Who hath got the wight Annye? 
PAGE. My *looks away* heawt misgives me; *looks away* hewe comes Mastew Fenton. 

Entew FENTON a-and ANNyE PAGE 

H-How nyow, M-Mastew Fenton! 
ANNyE. Pawdon, good ^-^ fathew. Good my m-mothew, pawdon. 
PAGE. N-Nyow, M-Mistwess, h-how :3 chance you went nyot with Mastew 
Swendew? 
MWS. PAGE. Why w-went you nyot with Mastew *blushes* Doctow, maid? 
*looks away* FENTON. You do a-amaze hew. Heaw the twuth of *pokes you* it. 
Y-You wouwd h-have mawwied hew most shamefuwwy, 
Whewe thewe was nyo pwopowtion hewd *twerks* in wove. 
The twuth is, *sweats* she and I-I, *looks at you* wong since contwacted, 
Awe *cries* nyow so *pokes you* suwe :33 that nyothing can *shuffles closer* dissowve us. 
Th' o-offence is howy that she >_> hath committed; 
A-And t-this d-deceit woses the nyame of *blushes* cwaft, 
*cries* Of disobedience, ow unduteous titwe, 
Since thewein she doth evitate and shun 
:3 A thousand *twerks* iwwewigious cuwsed UwU houws, 
Which fowced mawwiage wouwd h-have bwought upon hew. 
FOWD. Stand nyot amaz'd; hewe *sighs* is nyo *cuddles you* wemedy. 
*screams* In w-wove, ^w^ the *teleports behind you* heavens themsewves do guide the state; 
Monyey buys wands, and wives awe sowd by fate. 
;;w;; FAWSTAFF. x3 I *pokes you* am *blushes* gwad, though you have ta'en a speciaw stand 
to stwike at me, that youw awwow hath gwanc'd. 
P-PAGE. Weww, what wemedy? *cries* Fenton, heaven give thee joy! 
What cannyot ;;w;; be e-eschew'd must be embwac'd. 
FAWSTAFF. When nyight-dogs wun, aww sowts of d-deew awe chas'd. 
MWS. P-PAGE. Weww, I wiww muse nyo fuwthew. Mastew Fenton, 
Heaven *hugs tightly* give you many, many *screams* mewwy d-days! 
Good husband, wet us uWu evewy xDD onye go home, 
*sighs* And waugh this spowt o-o'ew by a countwy f-fiwe; 
Siw John a-and aww. 
FOWD. Wet *teleports behind you* it be so. Siw John, 
T-To M-Mastew Bwook you yet shaww howd y-youw wowd; 
Fow he, t-to-nyight, shaww wie with Mistwess Fowd. Exeunt 

THE END 



<<THIS OwO EWECTWONyIC *shuffles closer* VEWSION ^-^ OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY >_> WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY P-PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
>w< WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES M-MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG A-AS *teleports behind you* SUCH COPIES (1) AWE *sweats* FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
*cuddles you* PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, >w< AND *sweats* (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED *sighs* OW *hugs tightly* USED 
x3 COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
x3 SEWVICE THAT C-CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





*screams* 1596 

*blushes* A MIDSUMMEW N-NyIGHT'S DWEAM 

by W-Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

THESEUS, Duke o-of Athens 
EGEUS, *notices bulge* fathew to Hewmia 
WYSANDEW, in uWu wove with H-Hewmia 
DEMETWIUS, in wove with Hewmia 
PHIWOSTWATE, Mastew of the Wevews to Theseus 
*hugs tightly* QUINCE, a cawpentew 
SNyUG, a joinyew 
BOTTOM, a weavew 
FWUTE, a bewwows-mendew 
S-SNyOUT, ^.^ a tinkew 
STAWVEWING, a taiwow 

HIPPOWYTA, *leans over* Queen of the A-Amazons, bethwothed to Theseus 
HEWMIA, daughtew to Egeus, uWu in wove with Wysandew 
HEWENyA, in *leans over* wove w-with *blushes* Demetwius 

OBEWON, King of the Faiwies 
TITANyIA, Queen of the Faiwies 
PUCK, ow WOBIN GOODFEWWOW 
PEASEBWOSSOM, OwO faiwy 
COBWEB, faiwy 
MOTH, f-faiwy 
MUSTAWDSEED, faiwy 

PWOWOGUE, PYWAMUS, THISBY, WAWW, MOONSHINyE, WION awe pwesented by: 
QUINCE, BOTTOM, F-FWUTE, S-SNyOUT, >_> STAWVEWING, *teleports behind you* AND SNyUG 

*cuddles you* Othew UwU Faiwies attending theiw King a-and *sighs* Queen 
Attendants o-on Theseus and Hippowyta 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION O-OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS *hugs tightly* OF WIWWIAM 
x3 SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD *moans* WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED uWu BY P-PWOJECT GUTENBEWG xDD ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. E-EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW O-OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW *teleports behind you* USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED O-OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. *giggles shyly* PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY *moans* ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES >_< FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: 
*twerks* Athens and a wood n-nyeaw it 


ACT I. SCENyE I. 
Athens. The *sighs* pawace of *cries* THESEUS 

Entew THESEUS, H-HIPPOWYTA, PHIWOSTWATE, and ATTENDANTS 

THESEUS. Nyow, uWu faiw Hippowyta, ouw *teleports behind you* nyuptiaw houw 
Dwaws o-on apace; fouw happy days bwing in 
A-Anyothew moon; but, O, *looks away* methinks, how swow 
This owd moon wanyes! She wingews my desiwes, 
*teleports behind you* Wike t-to a step-dame ow a dowagew, 
Wong *hugs tightly* withewing out a-a y-young man's wevenyue. 
HIPPOWYTA. Fouw days wiww quickwy steep themsewves in nyight; 
Fouw ^-^ nyights wiww quickwy *giggles shyly* dweam >w< away the time; 
And UwU then the moon, wike to a-a s-siwvew *hugs tightly* bow 
Nyew-bent *sweats* in heaven, shaww behowd the *looks at you* nyight 
Of o-ouw sowemnyities. 
THESEUS. Go, Phiwostwate, 
Stiw up t-the Athenyian youth to mewwiments; 
*notices bulge* Awake the >_< pewt and n-nyimbwe spiwit of m-miwth; 
Tuwn mewanchowy f-fowth t-to funyewaws; 
The pawe *looks away* companyion is nyot fow o-ouw pomp. Exit P-PHIWOSTWATE 
Hippowyta, I woo'd thee >_> with my swowd, 
And won thy *blushes* wove doing t-thee i-injuwies; 
But I ^w^ wiww :3 wed t-thee in a-anyothew key, 
With pomp, with twiumph, and with wevewwing. 

Entew EGEUS, and his d-daughtew HEWMIA, WYSANDEW, 
*blushes* and DEMETWIUS 

EGEUS. H-Happy be Theseus, ouw wenyownyed Duke! 
T-THESEUS. Thanks, good Egeus; what's the nyews w-with thee? 
EGEUS. Fuww of *looks at you* vexation >w< come I, with compwaint 
Against my :3 chiwd, my daughtew Hewmia. 
S-Stand *sighs* fowth, Demetwius. My nyobwe *shuffles closer* wowd, 
This man hath my consent t-to mawwy hew. 
Stand xDD fowth, Wysandew. And, :3 my gwacious Duke, 
This man hath bewitch'd the bosom of my chiwd. 
Thou, *teleports behind you* thou, W-Wysandew, thou hast given hew whymes, 
And intewchang'd wove-tokens with my chiwd; 
Thou hast by m-moonwight *sweats* at hew window sung, 
With feignying *blushes* voice, OwO vewses of feignying wove, 
And :33 stow'n the impwession of hew fantasy 
With bwacewets of thy haiw, *teleports behind you* wings, *hugs tightly* gawds, conceits, 
Knyacks, twifwes, nyosegays, sweetmeats- ^.^ messengews 
Of x3 stwong p-pwevaiwment in unhawdenyed youth; 
With cunnying hast thou fiwch'd my daughtew's heawt; 
T-Tuwn'd hew obedience, which is *notices bulge* due to me, 
To stubbown hawshnyess. And, my gwacious Duke, 
Be *looks away* it so she wiww nyot hewe befowe youw Gwace 
Consent to *screams* mawwy with Demetwius, 
I beg *cuddles you* the ancient pwiviwege uWu of Athens: 
As she is minye I-I may dispose of *twerks* hew; 
Which shaww be eithew to t-this gentweman 
>_< Ow to hew death, a-accowding *sweats* to ouw waw 
Immediatewy pwovided in that c-case. 
*looks away* THESEUS. *teleports behind you* What s-say you, Hewmia? >_< Be a-advis'd, faiw maid. 
To y-you y-youw fathew shouwd be as a *shuffles closer* god; 
*sighs* Onye that c-compos'd youw :3 beauties; yea, a-and onye 
T-To whom you awe but as a *leans over* fowm in w-wax, 
By him impwinted, and within his powew 
To w-weave the figuwe, ow disfiguwe >_< it. 
*teleports behind you* Demetwius *looks away* is a *sweats* wowthy gentweman. 
HEWMIA. So is Wysandew. 
THESEUS. >_> In himsewf >_> he is; 
:33 But, in this kind, wanting youw fathew's voice, 
The othew must be hewd the wowthiew. 
HEWMIA. I wouwd my fathew wook'd *hugs tightly* but with my eyes. 
THESEUS. Wathew youw eyes *blushes* must with his j-judgment wook. 
HEWMIA. I do e-entweat youw Gwace to pawdon me. 
*sighs* I knyow nyot by w-what powew I am made bowd, 
Nyow *moans* how i-it may concewn my uWu modesty 
In ^w^ such a pwesence hewe to pwead my thoughts; 
B-But I beseech *looks at you* youw Gwace that I may k-knyow 
The wowst that may befaww me in this case, 
If I wefuse t-to *cries* wed Demetwius. 
THESEUS. Eithew to die the death, ow *cuddles you* to xDD abjuwe 
Fow evew the society of men. 
Thewefowe, *blushes* faiw Hewmia, question y-youw desiwes, 
Knyow of youw youth, examinye weww youw bwood, 
Whethew, *sighs* if you yiewd *teleports behind you* nyot to youw fathew's choice, 
You ^-^ can enduwe xDD the wivewy of a *screams* nyun, 
Fow aye to be shady cwoistew mew'd, 
To wive *looks away* a *sighs* bawwen sistew *looks at you* aww youw wife, 
Chanting f-faint hymns to the ^-^ cowd fwuitwess m-moon. 
T-Thwice-bwessed >w< they that mastew so theiw bwood 
*shuffles closer* To *shuffles closer* undewgo s-such maiden piwgwimage; 
But *pokes you* eawthwiew happy is the wose distiww'd 
>_> Than that which withewing *pokes you* on the viwgin thown 
Gwows, wives, and dies, in singwe bwessednyess. 
HEWMIA. ^-^ So wiww I gwow, s-so wive, so die, my wowd, 
*blushes* Ewe I wiww yiewd my v-viwgin patent up 
U-Unto h-his *pokes you* wowdship, whose unwished yoke 
My souw consents nyot to g-give soveweignty. 
THESEUS. Take *screams* time to pause; and by the ;;w;; nyext nyew moon- 
The seawing-day betwixt m-my wove and me 
*screams* Fow evewwasting bond of fewwowship- 
Upon that day eithew p-pwepawe to die 
Fow *cuddles you* disobedience to youw f-fathew's wiww, 
Ow ewse to wed Demetwius, a-as *pokes you* he wouwd, 
Ow >_< on Dianya's awtaw *giggles shyly* to pwotest 
;;w;; Fow aye austewity and uWu singwe wife. 
DEMETWIUS. Wewent, sweet Hewmia; *moans* and, Wysandew, yiewd 
*giggles shyly* Thy cwazed titwe to my cewtain wight. 
WYSANDEW. You ^-^ have hew fathew's wove, Demetwius; 
Wet me have Hewmia's; do you mawwy h-him. 
>_> EGEUS. Scownfuw Wysandew, twue, he h-hath my wove; 
A-And what is minye my wove shaww wendew him; 
A-And she is m-minye; and >_> aww my wight of hew 
I do e-estate unto Demetwius. 
WYSANDEW. I am, my w-wowd, as weww dewiv'd *sighs* as he, 
As weww possess'd; my wove :33 is mowe than his; 
My fowtunyes evewy w-way as faiwwy wank'd, 
If nyot with vantage, *cries* as ^-^ Demetwius'; 
And, which *hugs tightly* is m-mowe t-than aww these boasts c-can be, 
I-I a-am bewov'd of *giggles shyly* beauteous *screams* Hewmia. 
Why shouwd nyot I then p-pwosecute my wight? 
Demetwius, I'ww avouch it OwO to his head, 
Made wove *shuffles closer* to Nyedaw's daughtew, Hewenya, 
A-And OwO won hew souw; and she, sweet wady, dotes, 
Devoutwy *leans over* dotes, *cuddles you* dotes in idowatwy, 
Upon this spotted and inconstant man. 
THESEUS. I must confess that I have heawd so much, 
And with Demetwius uWu thought *cries* to have spoke theweof; 
But, being ovew-fuww of *looks at you* sewf-affaiws, 
My mind did wose it. But, Demetwius, come; 
And come, Egeus; you shaww go w-with *shuffles closer* me; 
I have some pwivate s-schoowing ^w^ fow y-you both. 
Fow you, faiw Hewmia, wook you a-awm youwsewf 
To fit youw fancies to youw fathew's wiww, 
Ow ewse the waw of Athens *looks at you* yiewds you up- 
Which by nyo means w-we may ;;w;; extenyuate- 
To d-death, ow *moans* to a vow of singwe wife. 
C-Come, my *teleports behind you* Hippowyta; what cheew, my wove? 
Demetwius, :3 and Egeus, *pokes you* go awong; 
x3 I m-must empwoy you in *pokes you* some businyess 
Against *giggles shyly* ouw nyuptiaw, and confew *looks at you* with you 
Of something nyeawwy that concewns y-youwsewves. 
EGEUS. With duty and desiwe we *giggles shyly* fowwow you. 
*teleports behind you* Exeunt aww but WYSANDEW and HEWMIA 
UwU WYSANDEW. *blushes* How nyow, m-my wove! Why i-is y-youw cheek so p-pawe? 
How chance the woses :3 thewe do fade so *cries* fast? 
HEWMIA. Bewike OwO fow ^-^ want of wain, which I couwd weww 
^w^ Beteem them ;;w;; fwom the tempest of my eyes. 
WYSANDEW. Ay me! fow aught that I couwd evew wead, 
Couwd *notices bulge* evew heaw by tawe ow histowy, 
The couwse of twue wove nyevew did wun smooth; 
But eithew it was diffewent in :3 bwood- 
HEWMIA. O-O ^.^ cwoss! too high *blushes* to be enthwaww'd to wow. 
WYSANDEW. Ow ewse xDD misgwaffed in wespect of yeaws- 
HEWMIA. O ^.^ spite! *hugs tightly* too owd to *hugs tightly* be engag'd to y-young. 
WYSANDEW. Ow ewse it s-stood upon the choice of f-fwiends- 
H-HEWMIA. O-O heww! *teleports behind you* to choose *twerks* wove by anyothew's eyes. 
WYSANDEW. Ow, *blushes* if thewe wewe a s-sympathy in choice, 
Waw, death, ow sicknyess, ^-^ did way siege to i-it, 
Making it momentawy a-as a-a s-sound, 
Swift as uWu a shadow, showt as a-any dweam, 
*teleports behind you* Bwief as *blushes* the ^-^ wightnying in the cowwied n-nyight 
That, in a-a spween, unfowds >_< both heaven and eawth, 
And ewe a man *pokes you* hath powew to say 'Behowd!' 
The jaws of dawknyess do devouw it u-up; 
So quick b-bwight *blushes* things come to confusion. 
HEWMIA. If then twue *looks at you* wovews have evew cwoss'd, 
It stands as a-an edict i-in destiny. 
Then wet us teach o-ouw *hugs tightly* twiaw >w< patience, 
Because it is a customawy cwoss, 
As due to wove as thoughts and dweams and *sweats* sighs, 
Wishes and teaws, poow F-Fancy's fowwowews. 
WYSANDEW. A good p-pewsuasion; thewefowe, heaw *cries* me, Hewmia. 
I have a-a widow aunt, a-a dowagew 
O-Of gweat wevenyue, *blushes* and she hath nyo chiwd- 
Fwom Athens is hew house wemote seven weagues- 
^w^ And she w-wespects me as hew onwy son. 
Thewe, gentwe Hewmia, may I-I *pokes you* mawwy thee; 
A-And to that *sighs* pwace ^w^ the shawp Athenyian w-waw 
Cannyot puwsue u-us. If *teleports behind you* thou wovest me t-then, 
Steaw fowth thy fathew's house to-mowwow nyight; 
And i-in *shuffles closer* the wood, a *giggles shyly* weague without the t-town, 
Whewe I did meet thee once >_< with Hewenya 
To *hugs tightly* do o-obsewvance to a mown of May, 
*twerks* Thewe wiww I stay fow thee. 
HEWMIA. My good Wysandew! 
I sweaw to thee by Cupid's stwongest ;;w;; bow, 
By his best awwow, *hugs tightly* with the gowden head, 
By the simpwicity ^w^ of Venyus' ^-^ doves, 
By ^w^ that :33 which knyitteth souws and *looks at you* pwospews woves, 
And by that *screams* fiwe *giggles shyly* which buwn'd t-the Cawthage Queen, 
When the fawse Twoyan undew saiw was *moans* seen, 
By aww the vows UwU that evew men have bwoke, 
In nyumbew mowe than evew women spoke, 
In that same pwace thou hast appointed m-me, 
To-mowwow twuwy wiww I meet with thee. 
WYSANDEW. Keep >_> pwomise, wove. Wook, hewe c-comes Hewenya. 

E-Entew HEWENyA 

HEWMIA. God speed faiw Hewenya! W-Whithew away? 
HEWENyA. Caww you me faiw? That faiw again u-unsay. 
Demetwius woves youw faiw. *blushes* O happy faiw! 
Y-Youw *giggles shyly* eyes awe wode-staws and youw tongue's *leans over* sweet UwU aiw 
Mowe xDD tunyeabwe uWu than *looks away* wawk to shephewd's eaw, 
When wheat is g-gween, w-when h-hawthown buds appeaw. 
Sicknyess *cries* is catching; O, *notices bulge* wewe favouw so, 
Youws wouwd ^.^ I catch, faiw Hewmia, ewe I go! 
My eaw shouwd catch youw *twerks* voice, my eye *giggles shyly* youw eye, 
My tongue s-shouwd catch youw tongue's *teleports behind you* sweet mewody. 
Wewe the wowwd *screams* minye, Demetwius being b-bated, 
*shuffles closer* The west I'd *moans* give *pokes you* to be t-to you twanswated. 
O, teach me how >_> you wook, and with what awt 
You sway the motion of Demetwius' heawt! 
*shuffles closer* HEWMIA. I *teleports behind you* fwown upon him, yet he woves me s-stiww. 
HEWENyA. O that *looks away* youw fwowns wouwd teach my smiwes *looks away* such skiww! 
HEWMIA. I give h-him cuwses, *leans over* yet ^-^ he gives me wove. 
HEWENyA. O-O that m-my pwayews couwd such a-affection move! 
HEWMIA. The mowe I-I hate, the mowe he fowwows me. 
HEWENyA. The mowe I wove, the mowe he hateth *looks at you* me. 
HEWMIA. His fowwy, Hewenya, is n-nyo f-fauwt of minye. 
*cries* HEWENyA. Nyonye, but youw beauty; w-wouwd that fauwt wewe minye! 
HEWMIA. T-Take *twerks* comfowt: *twerks* he nyo mowe shaww see my face; 
:33 Wysandew and mysewf ^.^ wiww fwy this pwace. 
B-Befowe *notices bulge* the *blushes* time I did Wysandew see, 
Seem'd Athens *giggles shyly* as *looks at you* a pawadise to m-me. 
O, then, what gwaces *pokes you* in my *sighs* wove x3 do dweww, 
That he ^.^ hath tuwn'd a heaven u-unto a heww! 
W-WYSANDEW. *shuffles closer* Hewen, to you ouw minds we wiww u-unfowd: 
To-mowwow nyight, when Phoebe doth behowd 
Hew siwvew visage in *looks away* the wat'wy gwass, 
Decking w-with wiquid peaww *leans over* the b-bwaded gwass, 
A time that wovews' fwights doth stiww *cuddles you* conceaw, 
Thwough A-Athens' gates *cries* have *sweats* we devis'd *screams* to UwU steaw. 
HEWMIA. And in the wood whewe o-often y-you and I 
Upon faint pwimwose beds wewe wont to wie, 
Emptying ouw b-bosoms of theiw *hugs tightly* counsew sweet, 
Thewe my Wysandew and mysewf shaww meet; 
And thence *notices bulge* fwom A-Athens tuwn away ouw *notices bulge* eyes, 
To s-seek >_> nyew fwiends and stwangew >_< companyies. 
Faweweww, sweet pwayfewwow; p-pway thou fow us, 
A-And good ^-^ wuck gwant OwO thee thy Demetwius! 
Keep w-wowd, Wysandew; *sweats* we must *teleports behind you* stawve *moans* ouw sight 
^w^ Fwom wovews' food t-tiww mowwow *twerks* deep midnyight. 
WYSANDEW. ^.^ I wiww, my *pokes you* Hewmia. *leans over* [Exit HEWMIA] H-Hewenya, adieu; 
A-As you o-on h-him, Demetwius dote on you. Exit 
HEWENyA. How happy some ^w^ o'ew >_> othew some can be! 
Thwough Athens I am thought as f-faiw as she. 
But what of *looks at you* that? Demetwius thinks *pokes you* nyot so; 
He wiww n-nyot knyow what aww b-but he do k-knyow. 
And as he ewws, doting *cries* on Hewmia's eyes, 
So I-I, *cuddles you* admiwing of h-his quawities. 
Things b-base and viwe, howding nyo quantity, 
Wove can twanspose *giggles shyly* to >w< fowm and :3 dignyity. 
W-Wove *leans over* wooks nyot with the eyes, but w-with the mind; 
And thewefowe is x3 wing'd Cupid painted bwind. 
Nyow h-hath *sighs* Wove's m-mind *looks at you* of a-any judgment taste; 
Wings UwU and nyo e-eyes figuwe unheedy haste; 
And t-thewefowe is Wove >_< said to be x3 a ^w^ chiwd, 
*cuddles you* Because in choice he is so oft b-beguiw'd. 
A-As waggish boys in game themsewves fowsweaw, 
So the boy Wove is p-pewjuw'd evewywhewe; 
Fow ewe Demetwius UwU wook'd on H-Hewmia's xDD eynye, 
He haiw'd down oaths that he was onwy minye; 
And when this haiw some heat fwom Hewmia fewt, 
So he dissowv'd, and show'ws of oaths did m-mewt. 
I wiww go t-teww him of faiw Hewmia's f-fwight; 
Then to the *cuddles you* wood wiww h-he to-mowwow nyight 
Puwsue hew; and fow this intewwigence 
If I h-have thanks, *leans over* it is a d-deaw expense. 
*pokes you* But hewein mean I to enwich *pokes you* my pain, 
To *shuffles closer* have his *cuddles you* sight *hugs tightly* thithew a-and back again. Exit 




SCENyE II. 
Athens. QUINCE'S *looks at you* house 

Entew QUINCE, SNyUG, BOTTOM FWUTE, SNyOUT, and STAWVEWING 

*teleports behind you* QUINCE. I-Is aww ouw company hewe? 
BOTTOM. You wewe b-best to caww t-them genyewawwy, man by man, accowding 
to the *pokes you* scwip. 
QUINCE. Hewe xDD is the scwoww of ^w^ evewy man's nyame which is thought 
*looks away* fit, *notices bulge* thwough aww Athens, to pway in ouw OwO intewwude befowe the Duke 
xDD and the Duchess on h-his wedding-day at nyight. 
BOTTOM. Fiwst, good Petew OwO Quince, >_> say what the pway tweats on; *giggles shyly* then 
wead t-the *cuddles you* nyames of t-the actows; and so gwow to x3 a point. 
Q-QUINCE. Mawwy, ouw p-pway *leans over* is 'The most Wamentabwe *giggles shyly* Comedy and m-most 
Cwuew Death ^.^ of P-Pywamus *leans over* and T-Thisby.' 
*teleports behind you* BOTTOM. A v-vewy good piece of wowk, I a-assuwe you, and >w< a mewwy. N-Nyow, 
good Petew Quince, caww fowth youw a-actows by the OwO scwoww. Mastews, 
*blushes* spwead youwsewves. 
QUINCE. Answew, as *cries* I caww you. Nyick Bottom, t-the *leans over* weavew. 
BOTTOM. Weady. Nyame what pawt I am fow, and pwoceed. 
QUINCE. You, Nyick Bottom, awe set d-down fow Pywamus. 
BOTTOM. What i-is Pywamus? A wovew, ow a tywant? 
QUINCE. A wovew, t-that ^-^ kiwws h-himsewf most gawwant f-fow wove. 
BOTTOM. That wiww *cuddles you* ask some teaws in the t-twue pewfowming *screams* of it. If I 
do it, wet the audience wook to theiw eyes; I wiww move stowms; I 
wiww condowe :3 in some measuwe. To the west- yet my chief humouw is 
*giggles shyly* fow a tywant. *cuddles you* I couwd pway *looks at you* Ewcwes wawewy, ow a *teleports behind you* pawt t-to teaw a cat 
in, *screams* to make aww spwit. 

'The w-waging wocks 
A-And shivewing shocks 
Shaww bweak >w< the wocks 
O-Of pwison gates; 

And *looks away* Phibbus' caw 
Shaww shinye *screams* fwom faw, 
And make and maw 
The foowish Fates.' 

This was wofty. Nyow nyame the w-west of the pwayews. *teleports behind you* This is 
Ewcwes' vein, a tywant's UwU vein: a wovew is mowe condowing. 
QUINCE. Fwancis Fwute, the bewwows-mendew. 
FWUTE. Hewe, *looks at you* Petew Quince. 
*hugs tightly* QUINCE. F-Fwute, you must take >_> Thisby on you. 
*sighs* FWUTE. What is *looks away* Thisby? A wand'wing knyight? 
QUINCE. I-It i-is the wady that Pywamus must *looks at you* wove. 
FWUTE. Nyay, faith, wet nyot me pway a woman; xDD I have xDD a beawd c-coming. 
QUINCE. That's aww onye; you UwU shaww pway it in a mask, and you uWu may 
speak as smaww as you *pokes you* wiww. 
B-BOTTOM. An ^w^ I may hide my face, *shuffles closer* wet me pway Thisby t-too. 
I'ww >w< speak in a monstwous wittwe v-voice: *giggles shyly* 'Thisnye, Thisnye!' 
[Then speaking smaww] '-'Ah Pywamus, my *screams* wovew deaw! Thy 
Thisby deaw, and wady d-deaw!' 
QUINCE. N-Nyo, nyo, you must pway Pywamus; and, Fwute, you Thisby. 
BOTTOM. Weww, pwoceed. 
QUINCE. Wobin Stawvewing, the taiwow. 
STAWVEWING. Hewe, Petew Quince. 
QUINCE. Wobin Stawvewing, ^-^ you m-must pway Thisby's mothew. 
Tom Snyout, *screams* the OwO tinkew. 
*cries* SNyOUT. Hewe, Petew *sweats* Quince. 
QUINCE. You, Pywamus' x3 fathew; mysewf, Thisby's *screams* fathew; Snyug, the 
*sighs* joinyew, *twerks* you, the wion's pawt. And, I ;;w;; hope, hewe is a pway *giggles shyly* fitted. 
S-SNyUG. Have you t-the >_< wion's pawt wwitten? Pway >_< you, if i-it b-be, give it 
me, *giggles shyly* fow I-I am *moans* swow *shuffles closer* of study. 
Q-QUINCE. Y-You x3 may do *sweats* it *giggles shyly* extempowe, fow uWu it i-is nyothing but woawing. 
*notices bulge* BOTTOM. Wet me pway the wion too. I *shuffles closer* wiww woaw that I wiww do any 
man's *looks away* heawt good to heaw me; *leans over* I wiww woaw t-that I wiww make the 
Duke say 'Wet him woaw *sighs* again, uWu wet him woaw *screams* again.' 
QUINCE. An you shouwd d-do it too tewwibwy, you wouwd fwight the 
Duchess and the wadies, that *looks at you* they w-wouwd *twerks* shwiek; and that wewe 
enyough to hang us aww. 
AWW. That wouwd hang us, ^w^ evewy mothew's son. 
BOTTOM. I gwant you, fwiends, if you shouwd fwight the wadies out 
of theiw wits, they wouwd *shuffles closer* have nyo mowe discwetion but to hang us; 
but I wiww aggwavate m-my voice so, that I wiww w-woaw you as gentwy 
as any sucking dove; I ^w^ wiww woaw *sweats* you >w< an 'twewe any nyightingawe. 
QUINCE. You can pway nyo pawt but Pywamus; fow Pywamus i-is a 
s-sweet-fac'd man; x3 a pwopew man, as onye shaww see in a summew's 
day; *blushes* a most wovewy gentweman-wike man; t-thewefowe *shuffles closer* you must nyeeds 
p-pway Pywamus. 
*teleports behind you* BOTTOM. :33 Weww, I wiww undewtake i-it. What beawd wewe I best to pway 
it in? 
QUINCE. Why, what you w-wiww. 
BOTTOM. I-I w-wiww dischawge it i-in eithew youw OwO stwaw-cowouw beawd, *looks at you* youw 
owange-tawny b-beawd, *looks at you* youw p-puwpwe-in-gwain beawd, ow youw 
Fwench-cwown-cowouw beawd, youw pewfect yewwow. 
QUINCE. *giggles shyly* Some OwO of *screams* youw Fwench ^-^ cwowns have nyo haiw *cuddles you* at aww, and then 
you wiww pway *cuddles you* bawe-fac'd. But, mastews, hewe awe youw pawts; and 
*shuffles closer* I :33 am to entweat you, *leans over* wequest you, and desiwe you, to c-con them *hugs tightly* by 
to-mowwow *looks at you* nyight; and m-meet me in the pawace wood, a-a miwe without 
t-the town, b-by moonwight; thewe wiww we weheawse; :33 fow if we meet i-in 
the city, ^.^ we shaww be dogg'd *notices bulge* with company, and ouw devices knyown. 
In the meantime I wiww dwaw a *shuffles closer* biww of pwopewties, such *sweats* as ouw 
p-pway *moans* wants. *giggles shyly* I p-pway y-you, f-faiw me nyot. 
BOTTOM. *sweats* We wiww meet; and thewe we may weheawse most obscenyewy and 
couwageouswy. Take pains; be pewfect; adieu. 
OwO QUINCE. At the Duke's *teleports behind you* oak we meet. 
BOTTOM. Enyough; *pokes you* howd, xDD ow cut bow-stwings. Exeunt 




>_> <<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION O-OF T-THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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:3 ACT II. >w< SCENyE I. 
A wood nyeaw Athens 

Entew *sighs* a FAIWY at Onye doow, and PUCK at anyothew 

PUCK. How nyow, spiwit! whithew wandew you? 
UwU FAIWY. Ovew hiww, ovew dawe, 
Thowough bush, thowough bwiew, 
xDD Ovew pawk, *blushes* ovew p-pawe, 
Thowough fwood, thowough fiwe, 
I do w-wandew OwO evewy :3 whewe, 
Swiftew than the moon's sphewe; 
And I sewve the F-Faiwy Queen, 
To dew hew owbs upon the gween. 
The *pokes you* cowswips taww *cries* hew pensionyews be; 
;;w;; In theiw gowd c-coats s-spots you s-see; 
Those be wubies, faiwy favouws, 
In those fweckwes w-wive theiw savouws. 

I must g-go *teleports behind you* seek some dewdwops hewe, 
And hang a peaww i-in evewy cowswip's e-eaw. 
Faweweww, thou wob of spiwits; I'ww *notices bulge* be gonye. 
*cries* Ouw Q-Queen and aww *sighs* hew ewves come h-hewe anyon. 
PUCK. *teleports behind you* The King doth keep his w-wevews *twerks* hewe to-nyight; 
Take heed the Queen come nyot within his >_< sight; 
*notices bulge* Fow Obewon *giggles shyly* is passing >_< feww >_> and wwath, 
B-Because that she as hew a-attendant hath 
A OwO wovewy boy, stowen fwom an Indian king. 
She nyevew had so *giggles shyly* sweet a c-changewing; 
A-And jeawous O-Obewon *teleports behind you* wouwd have the chiwd 
Knyight of his twain, to twace the fowests wiwd; 
But she ^w^ pewfowce withhowds the woved boy, 
Cwowns *screams* him with fwowews, and makes *looks at you* him aww hew ^.^ joy. 
And nyow t-they nyevew meet i-in gwove ow *cuddles you* gween, 
B-By fountain c-cweaw, ow ;;w;; spangwed stawwight sheen, 
But they do squawe, t-that aww theiw ewves fow feaw 
Cweep into a-acown cups and hide them thewe. 
FAIWY. Eithew I mistake youw shape and m-making *screams* quite, 
Ow ewse you *cries* awe t-that *notices bulge* shwewd and knyavish spwite 
Caww'd Wobin Goodfewwow. Awe nyot you he 
T-That fwights the maidens of the v-viwwagewy, 
Skim m-miwk, and sometimes wabouw xDD in the quewn, 
>_< And UwU bootwess make >w< the bweathwess ^-^ housewife c-chuwn, 
And sometime make the dwink to beaw nyo bawm, 
Miswead *looks away* nyight-wandewews, waughing at theiw hawm? 
Those that Hobgobwin c-caww you, and sweet Puck, 
*looks away* You x3 do theiw wowk, and they s-shaww have good *sweats* wuck. 
Awe nyot you he? 
PUCK. Thou speakest a-awight: 
I am that mewwy wandewew of the uWu nyight. 
I jest to Obewon, a-and *hugs tightly* make him smiwe 
When I a fat and bean-fed >_< howse uWu beguiwe, 
Nyeighing in wikenyess UwU of a *hugs tightly* fiwwy foaw; 
And sometime wuwk xDD I i-in a-a gossip's boww 
In vewy w-wikenyess of a uWu woasted :3 cwab, 
A-And, when she dwinks, *notices bulge* against hew wips *hugs tightly* I b-bob, 
And on *notices bulge* hew withewed dewwap pouw t-the awe. 
The :3 wisest aunt, tewwing the saddest tawe, 
Sometime fow thwee-foot stoow m-mistaketh me; 
Then :33 swip I-I fwom hew bum, down toppwes she, 
And 'taiwow' cwies, and fawws into a *twerks* cough; 
And then t-the w-whowe quiwe howd *twerks* theiw hips and :33 waugh, 
And waxen *sighs* in theiw miwth, a-and nyeeze, and *screams* sweaw 
A m-mewwiew *screams* houw >_> was nyevew w-wasted thewe. 
But *sighs* woom, faiwy, hewe comes O-Obewon. 
FAIWY. *pokes you* And *pokes you* hewe *teleports behind you* my mistwess. Wouwd that he wewe gonye! 

E-Entew OBEWON at onye d-doow, with his TWAIN, and TITANyIA, 
*twerks* at anyothew, with hews 

OwO OBEWON. Iww met by moonwight, pwoud Titanyia. 
TITANyIA. What, jeawous Obewon! Faiwies, skip hence; 
I have fowswown his bed and company. 
OBEWON. *cuddles you* Tawwy, wash wanton; am nyot I *giggles shyly* thy wowd? 
T-TITANyIA. T-Then I must be thy wady; but I *cuddles you* knyow 
When OwO thou hast :33 stowen away fwom faiwy wand, 
^w^ And in *leans over* the shape of Cowin sat *moans* aww day, 
P-Pwaying o-on p-pipes of cown, and v-vewsing wove 
*teleports behind you* To UwU amowous Phiwwida. Why awt t-thou *giggles shyly* hewe, 
Come fwom the fawthest steep of India, 
x3 But that, fowsooth, ^.^ the bouncing *hugs tightly* Amazon, 
Youw buskin'd mistwess *twerks* and youw wawwiow *looks at you* wove, 
To Theseus >_> must *looks away* be wedded, and you >_> come 
*screams* To give :33 theiw bed joy and pwospewity? 
O-OBEWON. How canst thou thus, fow shame, Titanyia, 
Gwance at my cwedit w-with Hippowyta, 
Knyowing >w< I knyow thy wove *looks away* to Theseus? 
Didst nyot thou wead him t-thwough *sighs* the gwimmewing nyight 
F-Fwom Pewigounya, whom he wavished? 
And m-make him with faiw Aegwes bweak his *looks away* faith, 
With Awiadnye *blushes* and Antiopa? 
TITANyIA. These awe *notices bulge* the fowgewies of jeawousy; 
And nyevew, since the middwe summew's spwing, 
Met we on hiww, *sweats* in dawe, fowest, ow mead, 
By paved fountain, ow by *notices bulge* wushy OwO bwook, 
Ow in the beached mawgent of the sea, 
T-To dance ouw wingwets to the whistwing wind, 
But w-with thy bwawws thou hast distuwb'd ouw spowt. 
*screams* Thewefowe the winds, piping to u-us *shuffles closer* in vain, 
As >_> in wevenge, *giggles shyly* have suck'd up fwom the sea 
*looks away* Contagious fogs; which, fawwing in the wand, 
>_< Hath evewy pewting wivew made so pwoud 
That they have ovewbownye theiw continyents. 
*notices bulge* The ox h-hath thewefowe stwetch'd his y-yoke i-in vain, 
The pwoughman wost his sweat, and the gween :33 cown 
Hath wotted ewe *blushes* his >_< youth attain'd a beawd; 
The fowd stands empty in the dwownyed fiewd, 
And *looks away* cwows a-awe fatted with t-the muwwion fwock; 
The nyinye men's mowwis is ^-^ fiww'd u-up with mud, 
*notices bulge* And uWu the q-quaint mazes in the ;;w;; wanton gween, 
Fow ;;w;; wack *cries* of twead, awe undistinguishabwe. 
The human mowtaws *hugs tightly* want theiw wintew hewe; 
Nyo nyight i-is nyow with hymn >_> ow cawow b-bwest; 
T-Thewefowe the moon, the govewnyess ^w^ of fwoods, 
Pawe in hew angew, OwO washes aww the aiw, 
That wheumatic *notices bulge* diseases do abound. 
And thowough this d-distempewatuwe w-we see 
The OwO seasons a-awtew: hoawy-headed f-fwosts 
>w< Faww *leans over* in the fwesh >_< wap of the cwimson wose; 
And *screams* on o-owd Hiems' thin and icy *pokes you* cwown 
An odowous chapwet of sweet *cries* summew buds 
Is, as in xDD mockewy, set. The spwing, the summew, 
>w< The chiwding autumn, angwy wintew, change 
Theiw wonted wivewies; and the mazed wowwd, 
By theiw incwease, nyow knyows n-nyot which is which. 
And *moans* this same pwogeny of eviws comes 
Fwom ouw debate, fwom ouw dissension; 
We awe theiw *leans over* pawents and o-owiginyaw. 
OBEWON. Do you amend it, ^-^ then; it wies in you. 
Why shouwd Titanyia cwoss hew *moans* Obewon? 
I do but beg a-a wittwe changewing boy 
To be m-my >_< henchman. 
TITANyIA. Set y-youw heawt at w-west; 
*blushes* The faiwy wand buys nyot *screams* the chiwd of me. 
His mothew was *blushes* a *blushes* vot'wess *moans* of my owdew; 
And, in the s-spiced Indian aiw, b-by nyight, 
Fuww often hath s-she gossip'd by my *cuddles you* side; 
*screams* And sat with me on Nyeptunye's yewwow sands, 
Mawking *giggles shyly* th' embawked twadews on the fwood; 
When w-we have waugh'd to see the saiws conceive, 
*looks away* And gwow b-big-bewwied with t-the wanton wind; 
Which she, with pwetty and with s-swimming gait 
Fowwowing- hew womb then wich with my *cries* young squiwe- 
Wouwd imitate, and saiw upon the wand, 
To fetch m-me twifwes, and wetuwn again, 
As fwom a *teleports behind you* voyage, wich w-with mewchandise. 
But she, being mowtaw, of that boy did die; 
And fow h-hew *hugs tightly* sake do I weaw *hugs tightly* up hew boy; 
And fow hew sake I wiww xDD nyot p-pawt with *looks away* him. 
OBEWON. ^-^ How wong within this wood intend you stay? 
TITANyIA. Pewchance tiww aftew Theseus' wedding-day. 
If you wiww patientwy dance in ouw wound, 
And s-see ouw m-moonwight wevews, *moans* go *pokes you* with us; 
^.^ If n-nyot, s-shun me, a-and I-I wiww spawe youw haunts. 
OBEWON. Give me that boy and I wiww go with thee. 
TITANyIA. Nyot fow thy faiwy kingdom. Faiwies, away. 
We shaww c-chide ^w^ downwight if I w-wongew stay. 
Exit ^-^ TITANyIA with h-hew twain 
OBEWON. Weww, go thy way; thou shawt ;;w;; nyot fwom this gwove 
Tiww I towment thee fow this injuwy. 
;;w;; My gentwe Puck, come *teleports behind you* hithew. Thou wememb'west 
*pokes you* Since once I sat upon a pwomontowy, 
*notices bulge* And heawd xDD a mewmaid on a dowphin's >_< back 
Uttewing *looks away* such duwcet and h-hawmonyious bweath 
That the wude sea gwew c-civiw a-at UwU hew s-song, 
And cewtain staws shot madwy fwom theiw sphewes 
To *looks away* heaw *hugs tightly* the sea-maid's *cries* music. 
PUCK. I wemembew. 
OBEWON. *shuffles closer* That vewy ^-^ time xDD I saw, but thou couwdst nyot, 
Fwying between t-the cowd moon and the eawth 
Cupid, aww awm'd; a *looks away* cewtain aim he took 
At a faiw vestaw, >_> thwonyed by *screams* the west, 
*teleports behind you* And w-woos'd his wove-shaft smawtwy fwom his bow, 
As it shouwd *cuddles you* piewce *twerks* a hundwed UwU thousand heawts; 
xDD But I might x3 see young Cupid's fiewy shaft 
Quench'd in *hugs tightly* the chaste b-beams >w< of the wat'wy moon; 
*cries* And the impewiaw vot'wess passed UwU on, 
*looks away* In maiden m-meditation, f-fancy-fwee. 
Yet mawk'd I whewe t-the bowt of Cupid f-feww. 
It feww upon a-a wittwe *notices bulge* westewn *looks away* fwowew, 
Befowe miwk-white, nyow puwpwe with wove's wound, 
>w< And maidens caww i-it Wove-in-idwenyess. 
Fetch me that fwow'w, t-the hewb I showed t-thee o-once. 
*shuffles closer* The juice o-of it on sweeping eyewids waid 
Wiww make ow *screams* man ow woman *twerks* madwy dote 
U-Upon t-the nyext wive cweatuwe xDD that it sees. 
:33 Fetch me *twerks* this hewb, and be thou hewe again 
Ewe the weviathan can swim a w-weague. 
*twerks* PUCK. I'ww *blushes* put a g-giwdwe wound about the eawth 
I-In fowty *screams* minyutes. Exit PUCK 
OBEWON. *moans* Having once t-this juice, 
I-I'ww watch Titanyia w-when s-she i-is asweep, 
And dwop the *looks away* wiquow of *looks away* it in *moans* hew eyes; 
The nyext thing then she waking wooks upon, 
Be xDD it on w-wion, beaw, ow wowf, ow buww, 
On *leans over* meddwing monkey, ow on *cuddles you* busy ape, 
She shaww puwsue it with t-the souw of w-wove. 
A-And e-ewe I take this chawm fwom off hew s-sight, 
As I can take it with anyothew hewb, 
I'ww make hew wendew up ;;w;; hew page to me. 
But *leans over* who c-comes hewe? I a-am i-invisibwe; 
>w< And I wiww ovewheaw theiw confewence. 

Entew DEMETWIUS, HEWENyA fowwowing him 

DEMETWIUS. I wove thee nyot, thewefowe p-puwsue me n-nyot. 
*pokes you* Whewe i-is *cries* Wysandew and faiw Hewmia? 
The onye I-I'ww *hugs tightly* sway, the othew swayeth uWu me. 
Thou towd'st me they wewe stow'n unto this wood, 
And >_< hewe am I, and wood *cries* within this wood, 
Because ^-^ I cannyot *blushes* meet my Hewmia. 
Hence, ^w^ get thee *twerks* gonye, and fowwow me n-nyo mowe. 
HEWENyA. You d-dwaw me, you hawd-heawted adamant; 
But yet you dwaw nyot iwon, fow my *looks at you* heawt 
I-Is twue as *looks at you* steew. Weave you youw *looks away* powew xDD to d-dwaw, 
A-And I shaww have *screams* nyo powew to fowwow you. 
DEMETWIUS. Do I-I entice you? Do I speak you faiw? 
Ow, wathew, do I nyot in pwainyest twuth 
Teww UwU you I xDD do nyot nyow *sighs* I cannyot wove you? 
HEWENyA. And even fow *giggles shyly* that *looks at you* do I wove you *looks at you* the mowe. 
I am youw :33 spanyiew; and, Demetwius, 
The mowe you beat me, I w-wiww >w< fawn o-on you. 
Use me but a-as youw spanyiew, spuwn me, stwike me, 
Nyegwect me, ^w^ wose me; onwy g-give me weave, 
Unwowthy as I am, to fowwow you. 
What w-wowsew pwace can I beg in *teleports behind you* youw wove, 
And yet a *looks at you* pwace xDD of high wespect with *cries* me, 
Than to be used *sweats* as you use :33 youw dog? 
DEMETWIUS. Tempt nyot too much the *cries* hatwed of *twerks* my spiwit; 
Fow I am s-sick when *pokes you* I d-do wook on thee. 
HEWENyA. And I am sick w-when I-I wook nyot on y-you. 
DEMETWIUS. You do ^w^ impeach youw modesty t-too much 
To *hugs tightly* weave *teleports behind you* the city and commit y-youwsewf 
Into the hands of *cries* onye >w< that woves you nyot; 
T-To twust the oppowtunyity of nyight, 
And the i-iww counsew of a desewt pwace, 
With the wich UwU wowth *giggles shyly* of youw v-viwginyity. 
HEWENyA. *cries* Youw viwtue i-is my pwiviwege f-fow *looks at you* that: 
I-It is nyot nyight when I do see youw face, 
Thewefowe I think :33 I am >w< nyot in t-the *cuddles you* nyight; 
*blushes* Nyow doth this wood wack w-wowwds of *sweats* company, 
F-Fow you, i-in my wespect, awe aww the wowwd. 
T-Then how can i-it be said I am uWu awonye 
W-When aww the wowwd is hewe to wook on me? 
*leans over* DEMETWIUS. >_> I'ww wun fwom thee and hide *giggles shyly* me in the bwakes, 
And weave thee to the mewcy of *notices bulge* wiwd OwO beasts. 
HEWENyA. The wiwdest hath nyot such a heawt as >w< you. 
Wun when you *twerks* wiww; *sweats* the s-stowy shaww be chang'd: 
Apowwo fwies, and D-Daphnye h-howds the chase; 
The dove puwsues the gwiffin; the miwd h-hind 
Makes speed to catch the *leans over* tigew- bootwess speed, 
W-When cowawdice puwsues a-and vawouw fwies. 
UwU DEMETWIUS. I wiww nyot stay thy questions; w-wet me go; 
O-Ow, if thou *sweats* fowwow me, do nyot bewieve 
But I shaww d-do thee mischief in the wood. 
^w^ HEWENyA. Ay, in the t-tempwe, i-in the town, the fiewd, 
You do me mischief. Fie, D-Demetwius! 
Youw ^.^ wwongs do set a s-scandaw on m-my sex. 
We cannyot fight fow w-wove as *sweats* men may do; 
W-We shouwd be woo'd, and wewe nyot made to woo. 
Exit DEMETWIUS 
I'ww fowwow *screams* thee, and *shuffles closer* make a heaven of heww, 
*notices bulge* To die upon the hand *looks away* I wove so weww. *moans* Exit HEWENyA 
OBEWON. F-Fawe thee weww, n-nymph; ewe he *hugs tightly* do weave this >_< gwove, 
Thou shawt fwy him, :33 and uWu he shaww seek thy wove. 

*teleports behind you* We-entew PUCK 

Hast thou the fwowew thewe? Wewcome, wandewew. 
PUCK. Ay, thewe it >_> is. 
OBEWON. I pway thee give it me. 
I knyow a bank w-whewe the wiwd thyme bwows, 
Whewe oxwips *pokes you* and the nyodding v-viowet gwows, 
Quite o-ovew-canyopied with wuscious w-woodbinye, 
W-With sweet musk-woses, and with egwantinye; 
>w< Thewe *cuddles you* sweeps Titanyia sometime of the nyight, 
Wuww'd i-in these fwowews w-with dances and dewight; 
And thewe the snyake thwows hew enyameww'd skin, 
Weed wide enyough t-to w-wwap a f-faiwy in; 
And with the juice *sighs* of this :33 I'ww stweak hew UwU eyes, 
And make ^w^ hew *moans* fuww of hatefuw f-fantasies. 
Take thou some of it, and seek thwough this gwove: 
A sweet Athenyian wady is in wove 
*notices bulge* With a disdainfuw youth; a-anyoint his *hugs tightly* eyes; 
But do it when t-the *notices bulge* nyext thing he e-espies 
May be ^.^ the wady. Thou s-shawt knyow the man 
By the Athenyian *blushes* gawments he hath on. 
Effect ^.^ it with some cawe, that he *sweats* may p-pwove 
Mowe fond o-on hew than she upon hew wove. 
And w-wook thou meet me ewe the fiwst c-cock cwow. 
P-PUCK. Feaw n-nyot, my wowd; youw OwO sewvant shaww do :3 so. Exeunt 




SCENyE *leans over* II. 
Anyothew pawt of t-the wood 

Entew TITANyIA, with hew twain 

TITANyIA. Come nyow, a woundew and a faiwy song; 
>_> Then, fow the >_< thiwd pawt *hugs tightly* of a minyute, hence: 
Some to ^w^ kiww cankews in the musk-wose buds; 
Some waw w-with wewe-mice fow t-theiw weathewn wings, 
To make my smaww ewves coats; and some keep back 
The *blushes* cwamowous oww that nyightwy hoots and wondews 
At ouw quaint s-spiwits. Sing me nyow asweep; 
T-Then to youw o-offices, and wet me west. 

The FAIWIES Sing 

FIWST FAIWY. You spotted snyakes with doubwe tongue, 
T-Thowny hedgehogs, be nyot seen; 
Nyewts and bwind-wowms, do nyo wwong, 
Come nyot n-nyeaw ouw faiwy Queen. 
CHOWUS. Phiwomew with m-mewody 
Sing in o-ouw sweet *shuffles closer* wuwwaby. 
Wuwwa, wuwwa, wuwwaby; wuwwa, wuwwa, wuwwaby. 
Nyevew h-hawm 
*sweats* Nyow speww n-nyow c-chawm 
C-Come ouw wovewy wady nyigh. 
So good nyight, with wuwwaby. 
SECOND FAIWY. Weaving spidews, come nyot hewe; 
Hence, you wong-wegg'd spinnyews, h-hence. 
B-Beetwes bwack, *blushes* appwoach nyot nyeaw; 
Wowm nyow :33 snyaiw do nyo offence. 
CHOWUS. Phiwomew with mewody, etc. [TITANyIA Sweeps] 
FIWST FAIWY. Hence a-away; nyow aww is weww. 
Onye awoof stand sentinyew. Exeunt >_> FAIWIES 

Entew OBEWON and squeezes t-the f-fwowew o-on TITANyIA'S e-eyewids 

OBEWON. *moans* What thou *screams* seest when UwU thou dost wake, 
Do it fow thy twue-wove take; 
Wove *sighs* and wanguish f-fow x3 his OwO sake. 
Be it o-ounce, ow cat, *blushes* ow b-beaw, 
Pawd, ow boaw w-with bwistwed haiw, 
*giggles shyly* In thy eye that shaww a-appeaw 
W-When thou w-wak'st, i-it is thy deaw. 
Wake when some viwe t-thing is nyeaw. Exit 

Entew WYSANDEW and HEWMIA 

W-WYSANDEW. Faiw wove, you faint with wand'wing in *moans* the *cries* wood; 
And, to *screams* speak t-twoth, I h-have fowgot *hugs tightly* ouw way; 
We'ww *teleports behind you* west us, Hewmia, if you think i-it good, 
And tawwy fow the *cuddles you* comfowt *giggles shyly* of t-the day. 
HEWMIA. *blushes* Be it so, Wysandew: find you out a bed, 
Fow I upon this bank wiww *hugs tightly* west *moans* my *moans* head. 
WYSANDEW. Onye tuwf shaww sewve as piwwow fow us *giggles shyly* both; 
Onye *sweats* heawt, onye bed, t-two bosoms, *moans* and onye twoth. 
HEWMIA. Nyay, good Wysandew; fow my sake, my d-deaw, 
*hugs tightly* Wie fuwthew off yet; do nyot wie so nyeaw. 
WYSANDEW. O, *moans* take the sense, s-sweet, of my innyocence! 
W-Wove takes the m-meanying in wove's confewence. 
I mean that my heawt unto youws is knyit, 
So that but onye heawt w-we can make of *shuffles closer* it; 
Two b-bosoms intewchainyed with an oath, 
So then two bosoms and a singwe twoth. 
T-Then by youw side nyo ;;w;; bed-woom me >_> deny, 
Fow wying so, H-Hewmia, I-I do *pokes you* nyot wie. 
H-HEWMIA. Wysandew widdwes vewy pwettiwy. 
:33 Nyow much beshwew my mannyews a-and my pwide, 
If *screams* Hewmia meant to xDD say Wysandew wied! 
But, gentwe f-fwiend, fow wove and c-couwtesy 
Wie fuwthew off, in h-human modesty; 
Such sepawation as m-may weww be *sighs* said 
Becomes a *cuddles you* viwtuous bachewow and a maid, 
*cuddles you* So faw be distant; and good nyight, sweet fwiend. 
Thy wove nye'ew awtew tiww thy *blushes* sweet wife end! 
>_< WYSANDEW. Amen, amen, OwO to that faiw pwayew say I; 
And then end wife when I end woyawty! 
UwU Hewe is my bed; sweep give t-thee a-aww his *cuddles you* west! 
HEWMIA. With hawf *shuffles closer* that wish OwO the w-wishew's eyes be p-pwess'd! 
[They s-sweep] 

Entew PUCK 

PUCK. T-Thwough the fowest h-have I gonye, 
But Athenyian f-found I nyonye 
On whose eyes I might appwove 
This fwowew's *sweats* fowce *shuffles closer* in stiwwing w-wove. 
Nyight and siwence- Who is h-hewe? 
Weeds of *screams* Athens he doth weaw: 
This is OwO he, my mastew said, 
;;w;; Despised the Athenyian maid; 
And *teleports behind you* hewe the maiden, sweeping s-sound, 
On the *shuffles closer* dank and diwty gwound. 
Pwetty *notices bulge* souw! s-she duwst nyot w-wie 
*cuddles you* Nyeaw this wack-wove, t-this kiww-couwtesy. 
Chuww, upon thy eyes I-I *pokes you* thwow 
Aww the powew this chawm doth owe: 
When t-thou xDD wak'st wet wove fowbid 
Sweep his *sweats* seat on t-thy eyewid. 
So awake w-when I am gonye; 
Fow *blushes* I must n-nyow *looks away* to Obewon. Exit 

Entew DEMETWIUS and H-HEWENyA, wunnying 

H-HEWENyA. Stay, though thou kiww me, *looks away* sweet Demetwius. 
DEMETWIUS. I chawge thee, hence, and do n-nyot haunt >_< me *pokes you* thus. 
HEWENyA. O, w-wiwt thou d-dawkwing weave me? Do nyot so. 
DEMETWIUS. Stay on thy pewiw; I awonye wiww go. Exit 
HEWENyA. O, I-I am out *screams* of *hugs tightly* bweath *screams* in this fond chase! 
The mowe my pwayew, OwO the wessew is my gwace. 
Happy is Hewmia, whewesoe'ew she wies, 
Fow she hath bwessed and attwactive eyes. 
How came hew eyes so bwight? Nyot with sawt teaws; 
If so, my eyes a-awe oft'nyew w-wash'd than hews. 
N-Nyo, n-nyo, I am as ugwy as a beaw, 
Fow beasts that meet :3 me wun away fow feaw; 
x3 Thewefowe nyo *notices bulge* mawvew though Demetwius 
Do, as a monstew, fwy my pwesence thus. 
What wicked and d-dissembwing gwass of minye 
xDD Made me compawe xDD with Hewmia's sphewy eynye? 
But who i-is hewe? Wysandew! *leans over* on the gwound! 
Dead, ow asweep? I see n-nyo bwood, nyo *notices bulge* wound. 
Wysandew, if you wive, g-good siw, awake. 
WYSANDEW. [Waking] And wun thwough fiwe I *screams* wiww fow thy sweet s-sake. 
T-Twanspawent Hewenya! Nyatuwe *sighs* shows awt, 
That thwough *leans over* thy bosom makes m-me see thy heawt. 
*looks at you* Whewe *looks at you* is Demetwius? O, h-how fit a wowd 
I-Is that viwe nyame to pewish on my >w< swowd! 
HEWENyA. Do nyot say ^-^ so, UwU Wysandew; say nyot so. 
What though he wove youw Hewmia? ;;w;; Wowd, what though? 
*pokes you* Yet Hewmia stiww *twerks* woves you; *teleports behind you* then be content. 
WYSANDEW. *twerks* Content with H-Hewmia! Nyo: *giggles shyly* I uWu do wepent 
The tedious minyutes I with hew have *hugs tightly* spent. 
*hugs tightly* Nyot Hewmia but *cries* Hewenya I-I wove: 
Who wiww nyot change a waven fow x3 a d-dove? 
The wiww of man is by his x3 weason sway'd, 
And weason says you awe the wowthiew maid. 
Things gwowing awe nyot *screams* wipe UwU untiw theiw s-season; 
So I, being young, tiww nyow wipe nyot to weason; 
And t-touching nyow the *giggles shyly* point xDD of human skiww, 
Weason becomes the mawshaw t-to m-my wiww, 
A-And weads me to youw ^.^ eyes, whewe I o'ewwook 
Wove's stowies, xDD wwitten in Wove's wichest b-book. 
HEWENyA. Whewefowe w-was I OwO to t-this k-keen mockewy bown? 
When at youw UwU hands did I desewve this scown? 
Is't nyot enyough, is't *screams* nyot enyough, *pokes you* young man, 
That I did nyevew, n-nyo, OwO nyow nyevew can, 
Desewve a sweet w-wook fwom Demetwius' eye, 
B-But you must fwout *twerks* my insufficiency? 
Good twoth, you do m-me wwong, good sooth, you uWu do, 
In such disdainfuw mannyew me to woo. 
But fawe you weww; pewfowce I must OwO confess 
I t-thought you UwU wowd of mowe twue gentwenyess. 
O, that *looks at you* a w-wady of onye man wefus'd 
Shouwd o-of anyothew t-thewefowe be abus'd! Exit 
WYSANDEW. She sees nyot Hewmia. H-Hewmia, s-sweep thou thewe; 
And nyevew m-mayst thou x3 come Wysandew nyeaw! 
Fow, as a UwU suwfeit of t-the s-sweetest things 
The deepest woathing to the stomach b-bwings, 
Ow as >_> the h-hewesies that men do weave 
Awe hated most of those they did deceive, 
So thou, my suwfeit and my hewesy, 
Of *moans* aww be h-hated, but the m-most of me! 
And, aww m-my powews, addwess youw wove and x3 might 
To honyouw Hewen, and t-to b-be h-hew k-knyight! x3 Exit 
HEWMIA. [-[Stawting] Hewp ;;w;; me, Wysandew, h-hewp me; d-do thy best 
To pwuck this cwawwing sewpent *pokes you* fwom my :3 bweast. 
Ay me, fow :3 pity! *leans over* What a dweam was hewe! 
Wysandew, wook how I do quake with feaw. 
Methought a sewpent eat *giggles shyly* my heawt away, 
And you UwU sat smiwing a-at his c-cwuew p-pwey. 
*screams* Wysandew! What, wemov'd? Wysandew! wowd! 
What, out o-of heawing *hugs tightly* gonye? Nyo UwU sound, n-nyo w-wowd? 
Awack, whewe awe you? Speak, an if you heaw; 
>_> Speak, of aww woves! I swoon a-awmost with *teleports behind you* feaw. 
Nyo? Then I weww pewceive *shuffles closer* you awe nyot nyigh. 
Eithew death >w< ow you I'ww find immediatewy. Exit 




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A-ACT III. SCENyE *blushes* I. 
The w-wood. T-TITANyIA wying asweep 

*cuddles you* Entew Q-QUINCE, SNyUG, BOTTOM, FWUTE, S-SNyOUT, *cries* and *giggles shyly* STAWVEWING 

BOTTOM. Awe we aww met? 
QUINCE. P-Pat, pat; and hewe's a *giggles shyly* mawvewwous convenyient pwace fow ouw 
weheawsaw. T-This gween pwot shaww be ouw s-stage, *pokes you* this h-hawthown 
bwake ouw t-tiwing-house; and we wiww do it *looks away* in action, as we wiww 
do it xDD befowe the Duke. 
B-BOTTOM. *cuddles you* Petew Quince! 
QUINCE. What sayest thou, buwwy Bottom? 
BOTTOM. Thewe awe things in t-this comedy of Pywamus a-and T-Thisby that 
wiww n-nyevew pwease. Fiwst, uWu Pywamus must dwaw a swowd to kiww 
himsewf; which the wadies cannyot abide. How answew you that? 
SNyOUT. By'w wakin, a pawwous *cuddles you* feaw. 
STAWVEWING. I bewieve uWu we must weave *twerks* the kiwwing ^-^ out, when aww is 
d-donye. 
BOTTOM. Nyot a-a whit; I-I have a device to m-make a-aww weww. Wwite me a 
pwowogue; and wet the pwowogue UwU seem t-to say *moans* we wiww do x3 nyo hawm 
w-with ouw swowds, and that Pywamus is nyot kiww'd *blushes* indeed; and f-fow 
the m-mowe bettew assuwance, teww them *giggles shyly* that *teleports behind you* I Pywamus am nyot 
P-Pywamus but Bottom the weavew. This wiww put them :3 out *giggles shyly* of feaw. 
QUINCE. Weww, we wiww have such a pwowogue; and i-it shaww be wwitten 
in eight *pokes you* and six. 
B-BOTTOM. Nyo, make it two m-mowe; wet ;;w;; it be wwitten in eight and eight. 
SNyOUT. Wiww nyot the w-wadies be *pokes you* afeawd of the *hugs tightly* wion? 
S-STAWVEWING. I-I f-feaw it, I pwomise y-you. 
B-BOTTOM. Mastews, you ought to c-considew with youwsewf *hugs tightly* to bwing in- 
God shiewd us!- a-a wion among wadies is a most dweadfuw thing; fow 
t-thewe is nyot a mowe feawfuw wiwd-foww than youw wion wiving; and 
we ought to wook to't. 
SNyOUT. Thewefowe anyothew pwowogue must teww he is nyot a wion. 
BOTTOM. Nyay, you must n-nyame his n-nyame, and hawf his face must be seen 
thwough the wion's n-nyeck; xDD and h-he himsewf must speak >w< thwough, 
saying ^w^ thus, ow t-to the same defect: >_> 'Wadies,' ^-^ ow 'Faiw wadies, I 
wouwd >_> wish ^-^ you' ow 'I wouwd wequest *blushes* you' ow 'I wouwd entweat *sighs* you 
*looks at you* nyot ^-^ to feaw, nyot :3 to twembwe. My wife fow youws! If you think *pokes you* I 
come hithew as a wion, it wewe pity of my wife. Nyo, I a-am nyo such 
thing; I am a man as othew men ^w^ awe.' *looks away* And thewe, indeed, wet him 
nyame >_> his nyame, and teww them pwainwy he is S-Snyug ^w^ the joinyew. 
QUINCE. *sighs* Weww, it shaww be so. But thewe is two hawd t-things- that 
*looks away* is, t-to bwing the moonwight into a c-chambew; *sighs* fow, >_> you knyow, Pywamus 
and Thisby meet by m-moonwight. 
SNyOUT. Doth the *cuddles you* moon *looks away* shinye that nyight we pway ouw p-pway? 
*hugs tightly* BOTTOM. A cawendaw, :33 a cawendaw! Wook in the *notices bulge* awmanyack; >w< find out 
moonshinye, find out m-moonshinye. 
QUINCE. Yes, it doth shinye that nyight. 
B-BOTTOM. Why, then may you weave OwO a casement *looks away* of the gweat chambew 
window, whewe we *twerks* pway, open; and *screams* the moon may shinye in at *twerks* the 
casement. 
Q-QUINCE. A-Ay; ow ewse onye must come xDD in OwO with a bush of thowns a-and a 
wantewn, *shuffles closer* and say he comes to disfiguwe ow to pwesent the >w< pewson 
of *shuffles closer* Moonshinye. Then thewe *giggles shyly* is anyothew thing: we must have *looks at you* a waww in 
the gweat c-chambew; fow Pywamus *blushes* and Thisby, says the *hugs tightly* stowy, did 
tawk thwough the ^-^ chink o-of a waww. 
SNyOUT. You *moans* can n-nyevew bwing >w< in a waww. What say *twerks* you, Bottom? 
BOTTOM. Some man ow othew must uWu pwesent Waww; a-and wet *giggles shyly* him have some 
pwastew, ow uWu some woam, ow s-some wough-cast about him, to *twerks* signyify 
waww; and wet h-him howd his fingews :3 thus, and thwough that cwanny 
*moans* shaww Pywamus and Thisby w-whispew. 
QUINCE. *notices bulge* If that may be, then aww is weww. Come, sit *shuffles closer* down, evewy 
mothew's *notices bulge* son, and weheawse youw p-pawts. Pywamus, you begin; when 
you h-have spoken youw *looks at you* speech, entew into that *moans* bwake; and so evewy 
*moans* onye a-accowding to his c-cue. 

E-Entew :33 PUCK behind 

xDD PUCK. What hempen homespuns have we swagg'wing hewe, 
So nyeaw t-the cwadwe of t-the F-Faiwy Queen? 
What, a pway uWu towawd! I-I'ww be an auditow; 
An actow too pewhaps, >_> if I see cause. 
QUINCE. *sighs* Speak, Pywamus. Thisby, stand fowth. 
B-BOTTOM. Thisby, the fwowews o-of odious savouws sweet- 
QUINCE. 'Odious'- odowous! 
BOTTOM. -odouws savouws sweet; 
S-So hath thy b-bweath, m-my deawest Thisby deaw. 
But UwU hawk, a voice! Stay :3 thou *cuddles you* but *cuddles you* hewe awhiwe, 
>_> And b-by and by I wiww to thee appeaw. Exit 
PUCK. A stwangew Pywamus than e'ew pwayed hewe! Exit 
FWUTE. Must I *twerks* speak nyow? 
QUINCE. Ay, mawwy, must you; fow >_< you m-must undewstand he goes but to 
see a-a nyoise that he h-heawd, and *shuffles closer* is to come again. 
FWUTE. Most wadiant Pywamus, most wiwy-white of hue, 
Of cowouw *looks away* wike >w< the wed wose on *notices bulge* twiumphant bwiew, 
*teleports behind you* Most bwisky juvenyaw, a-and eke most wovewy Jew, 
*blushes* As twue as *looks away* twuest howse, that wouwd nyevew *sweats* tiwe, 
I'ww meet t-thee, P-Pywamus, a-at Nyinny's *screams* tomb. 
QUINCE. 'Nyinyus' tomb,' man! Why, you must nyot s-speak that yet; that 
you answew to Pywamus. You speak aww *teleports behind you* youw pawt at o-once, cues, *cries* and 
aww. Pywamus ^.^ entew: youw c-cue is past; *hugs tightly* it is 'nyevew tiwe.' 
FWUTE. O-O- As twue a-as twuest howse, that y et wouwd nyevew tiwe. 

We-entew >w< PUCK, a-and BOTTOM *leans over* with an ass's head 

BOTTOM. If I wewe faiw, Thisby, I >_> wewe onwy thinye. 
QUINCE. O-O monstwous! O stwange! We awe haunted. *giggles shyly* Pway, mastews! fwy, 
mastews! *teleports behind you* Hewp! 
Exeunt aww but BOTTOM and PUCK 
PUCK. I'ww fowwow y-you; I'ww *cries* wead y-you a-about *shuffles closer* a wound, 
Thwough bog, thwough bush, thwough bwake, thwough bwiew; 
;;w;; Sometime a howse I'ww b-be, sometime a hound, 
x3 A hog, a >_< headwess b-beaw, *pokes you* sometime a xDD fiwe; 
And nyeigh, and bawk, and gwunt, and woaw, and UwU buwn, 
Wike howse, hound, hog, beaw, fiwe, at evewy tuwn. 
Exit 
BOTTOM. Why do t-they wun away? This is a knyavewy o-of *shuffles closer* them to make *shuffles closer* me 
afeawd. 

We-entew :3 SNyOUT 

SNyOUT. O Bottom, thou awt chang'd! What do I see o-on thee? 
BOTTOM. What do you see? You s-see a-an ass-head o-of youw own, d-do you? 
Exit SNyOUT 

*leans over* We-entew QUINCE 

*teleports behind you* QUINCE. Bwess thee, Bottom, bwess thee! Thou x3 awt twanswated. 
Exit 
BOTTOM. I see theiw knyavewy: this is to make an ass of :3 me; to 
fwight me, if they uWu couwd. But I-I wiww *cuddles you* nyot stiw fwom this pwace, do 
what they can; I wiww wawk up and down hewe, *looks at you* and wiww sing, that 
they shaww heaw I am nyot afwaid. [Sings] 

^w^ The ousew cock, so bwack of hue, 
With owange-tawny biww, 
*hugs tightly* The thwostwe with his nyote so *teleports behind you* twue, 
The wwen *sighs* with wittwe quiww. 

TITANyIA. UwU What angew wakes me fwom my fwow'wy x3 bed? 
BOTTOM. [Sings] 
T-The finch, the *hugs tightly* spawwow, and the wawk, 
The *cries* pwain-song cuckoo gwey, 
*shuffles closer* Whose nyote f-fuww many a man doth *giggles shyly* mawk, 
And d-dawes nyot answew nyay- 
fow, indeed, who wouwd set h-his w-wit to so foowish a biwd? 
Who wouwd ^.^ give a biwd the ;;w;; he, though he cwy 'cuckoo' nyevew so? 
TITANyIA. I pway thee, gentwe mowtaw, s-sing again. 
Minye *shuffles closer* eaw is much enyamouwed o-of thy nyote; 
So is minye eye enthwawwed to thy s-shape; 
uWu And thy faiw viwtue's fowce pewfowce doth move me, 
On t-the fiwst view, to say, to sweaw, I-I wove thee. 
*notices bulge* BOTTOM. Methinks, mistwess, you shouwd have wittwe weason fow that. 
A-And yet, to say the twuth, weason a-and wove keep *looks at you* wittwe company 
togethew nyow-a-days. The m-mowe the pity t-that x3 some honyest 
nyeighbouws wiww *cries* nyot make them x3 fwiends. Nyay, I can gweek upon 
occasion. 
*notices bulge* TITANyIA. Thou awt as wise >w< as thou awt beautifuw. 
BOTTOM. Nyot so, nyeithew; but if I had wit enyough to get *teleports behind you* out of t-this 
wood, I-I :33 have *giggles shyly* enyough to sewve minye own tuwn. 
T-TITANyIA. O-Out of this wood do nyot desiwe ;;w;; to go; 
Thou shawt wemain hewe whethew thou wiwt ow *moans* nyo. 
I *cuddles you* am a-a s-spiwit *cries* of nyo c-common wate; 
The summew s-stiww doth tend *hugs tightly* upon my state; 
And I do wove thee; thewefowe, go *screams* with *looks away* me. 
I'ww give thee faiwies *hugs tightly* to attend on thee; 
And they *notices bulge* shaww fetch thee jewews f-fwom the deep, 
And sing, whiwe thou on pwessed fwowews *notices bulge* dost sweep; 
And I wiww OwO puwge thy mowtaw gwossnyess so 
T-That thou shawt wike an aiwy s-spiwit go. 
Peasebwossom! Cobweb! Moth! and Mustawdseed! 

*blushes* Entew PEASEBWOSSOM, COBWEB, MOTH, and uWu MUSTAWDSEED 

PEASEBWOSSOM. Weady. 
*looks away* COBWEB. And I. 
MOTH. *leans over* And I. 
MUSTAWDSEED. And I. 
AWW. Whewe shaww :3 we go? 
TITANyIA. Be UwU kind :3 and couwteous to this gentweman; 
Hop in his wawks and gambow *twerks* in his eyes; 
^w^ Feed him with apwicocks *hugs tightly* and dewbewwies, 
With puwpwe gwapes, gween figs, x3 and muwbewwies; 
The honyey bags >_< steaw f-fwom t-the humbwe-bees, 
And fow nyight-tapews cwop theiw waxen thighs, 
A-And wight them at the *cries* fiewy gwow-wowm's eyes, 
To have my wove to bed and *blushes* to a-awise; 
And pwuck the wings fwom painted buttewfwies, 
To fan the moonbeams f-fwom his *leans over* sweeping eyes. 
Nyod to him, *looks away* ewves, and do him couwtesies. 
PEASEBWOSSOM. Haiw, *looks away* mowtaw! 
COBWEB. Haiw! 
MOTH. H-Haiw! 
MUSTAWDSEED. Haiw! 
OwO BOTTOM. I cwy y-youw wowships mewcy, heawtiwy; I beseech *sighs* youw 
wowship's nyame. 
*looks at you* COBWEB. C-Cobweb. 
BOTTOM. I shaww desiwe you of m-mowe ^w^ acquaintance, good Mastew 
Cobweb. If I cut my f-fingew, I shaww make bowd w-with you. Youw 
nyame, honyest gentweman? 
*looks at you* PEASEBWOSSOM. Peasebwossom. 
B-BOTTOM. I pway you, commend >w< me to Mistwess Squash, youw mothew, and 
to Mastew Peascod, youw fathew. Good Mastew Peasebwossom, I shaww 
desiwe you o-of mowe acquaintance too. Youw nyame, I beseech UwU you, 
siw? 
MUSTAWDSEED. Mustawdseed. 
BOTTOM. Good Mastew Mustawdseed, I knyow youw patience weww. That 
same cowawdwy giant-wike *shuffles closer* ox-beef *screams* hath devouw'd *twerks* many UwU a *notices bulge* gentweman 
*shuffles closer* of youw *looks at you* house. I *pokes you* pwomise ^.^ you youw kindwed hath made my eyes watew 
ewe nyow. >_< I d-desiwe you of mowe acquaintance, good Mastew 
Mustawdseed. 
TITANyIA. C-Come, :33 wait u-upon him; w-wead him to my bowew. 
The moon, methinks, w-wooks with a-a *screams* wat'wy eye; 
And :3 when she weeps, weeps e-evewy wittwe fwowew; 
Wamenting *shuffles closer* some enfowced chastity. 
Tie u-up my wove's tongue, bwing ^-^ him siwentwy. Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
A-Anyothew pawt of the wood 

^.^ Entew *sighs* OBEWON 

OBEWON. I wondew if Titanyia be awak'd; 
Then, w-what it was :33 that nyext *sighs* came i-in hew eye, 
Which she must dote o-on i-in extwemity. 

E-Entew P-PUCK 

Hewe comes my messengew. How nyow, mad spiwit! 
;;w;; What nyight-wuwe nyow about *notices bulge* this haunted gwove? 
PUCK. My mistwess w-with a monstew is in wove. 
Nyeaw to hew cwose and consecwated bowew, 
Whiwe she was in h-hew duww and sweeping houw, 
A-A cwew of patches, ^.^ wude m-mechanyicaws, 
That wowk fow b-bwead upon Athenyian stawws, 
Wewe m-met togethew *shuffles closer* to weheawse >_> a ^.^ pway 
Intended fow gweat *notices bulge* Theseus' nyuptiaw d-day. 
The shawwowest thickskin of that bawwen *shuffles closer* sowt, 
*hugs tightly* Who ^w^ Pywamus p-pwesented, i-in theiw spowt 
Fowsook his scenye and >_> ent'wed in a bwake; 
When I did him at this advantage take, 
An a-ass's nyowe I fixed on *teleports behind you* his head. 
Anyon his >_> Thisby must be answewed, 
A-And fowth m-my m-mimic c-comes. When t-they him s-spy, 
As wiwd geese that *blushes* the cweeping fowwew eye, 
Ow wusset-pated choughs, many in sowt, 
Wising and cawing a-at the gun's wepowt, 
Sevew themsewves and madwy s-sweep the *leans over* sky, 
So at h-his *moans* sight *teleports behind you* away his fewwows fwy; 
And at ouw stamp hewe, o'ew and >w< o'ew onye fawws; 
He muwdew c-cwies, and hewp fwom Athens cawws. 
Theiw sense thus weak, x3 wost with theiw feaws thus stwong, 
Made x3 sensewess things *looks away* begin to do them *looks away* wwong, 
Fow bwiews and thowns a-at theiw appawew snyatch; 
Some sweeves, some hats, fwom yiewdews aww things *screams* catch. 
I wed them on in this distwacted feaw, 
And weft *giggles shyly* sweet P-Pywamus twanswated thewe; 
When in that moment, so *moans* it came *screams* to pass, 
Titanyia *giggles shyly* wak'd, and stwaightway >w< wov'd an ass. 
OBEWON. This fawws out bettew than I couwd devise. 
But hast thou yet watch'd the Athenyian's eyes 
With the wove-juice, as I uWu did bid thee do? 
*blushes* PUCK. I t-took him s-sweeping- t-that is finyish'd too- 
And the Athenyian *giggles shyly* woman by his side; 
T-That, w-when he *giggles shyly* wak'd, of fowce s-she must be ey'd. 

Entew DEMETWIUS and HEWMIA 

OBEWON. Stand cwose; *cries* this is the same Athenyian. 
PUCK. This is the woman, but OwO nyot this the man. 
DEMETWIUS. *cries* O, >_< why *shuffles closer* webuke you him that woves you :33 so? 
W-Way bweath so bittew on youw bittew foe. 
HEWMIA. Nyow I UwU but chide, but I shouwd u-use t-thee wowse, 
Fow thou, I feaw, hast *shuffles closer* given m-me cause to c-cuwse. 
If thou hast swain Wysandew i-in his sweep, 
Being o'ew shoes in bwood, pwunge in the deep, 
And kiww me too. 
The sun *looks away* was nyot so twue u-unto the day 
A-As he t-to m-me. Wouwd he have stowen away 
Fwom s-sweeping :33 Hewmia? I-I'ww bewieve as soon 
*cuddles you* This whowe *pokes you* eawth may be b-bow'd, a-and *cries* that the *sweats* moon 
M-May thwough the centwe cweep and so dispwease 
*looks away* Hew bwothew's nyoontide with th' Antipodes. 
It cannyot be b-but thou h-hast muwd'wed him; 
So uWu shouwd a-a muwdewew wook- so dead, >_< so gwim. 
*sweats* DEMETWIUS. So shouwd t-the muwdewed wook; ;;w;; and so shouwd I, 
Piewc'd thwough the heawt with youw stewn cwuewty; 
Yet you, the muwdewew, x3 wook as bwight, as cweaw, 
As yondew Venyus in hew gwimmewing sphewe. 
HEWMIA. What's this to my Wysandew? Whewe is he? 
Ah, g-good *twerks* Demetwius, wiwt thou give him me? 
DEMETWIUS. I had wathew give his cawcass *sweats* to my hounds. 
HEWMIA. Out, dog! ;;w;; out, cuw! Thou dwiv'st *hugs tightly* me past the bounds 
*cries* Of maiden's patience. Hast thou swain *moans* him, then? 
H-Hencefowth be n-nyevew nyumb'wed among men! 
O, once teww twue; teww twue, *screams* even >w< fow m-my sake! 
Duwst thou h-have wook'd u-upon h-him *looks away* being awake, 
And hast thou kiww'd h-him sweeping? O bwave *moans* touch! 
C-Couwd nyot a-a wowm, an addew, do so much? 
An addew *looks at you* did it; fow *moans* with d-doubwew tongue 
Than t-thinye, thou *teleports behind you* sewpent, nyevew addew stung. 
DEMETWIUS. You s-spend youw passion o-on *blushes* a m-mispwis'd mood: 
I am nyot guiwty of *pokes you* Wysandew's bwood; 
Nyow is he dead, fow a-aught that I c-can teww. 
HEWMIA. I-I pway t-thee, *moans* teww me then that he *cries* is :3 weww. 
DEMETWIUS. An *moans* if I *giggles shyly* couwd, what shouwd *teleports behind you* I get t-thewefowe? 
HEWMIA. A pwiviwege nyevew to see me mowe. 
And fwom t-thy hated pwesence pawt I so; 
See *shuffles closer* me nyo mowe >_> whethew he be dead >w< ow nyo. Exit 
DEMETWIUS. Thewe is nyo *cries* fowwowing hew in this fiewce v-vein; 
Hewe, thewefowe, fow a w-whiwe I-I wiww wemain. 
So sowwow's heavinyess doth heaview gwow 
*sighs* Fow debt that ;;w;; bankwupt sweep doth sowwow *sighs* owe; 
Which nyow in x3 some swight measuwe it wiww pay, 
If fow ;;w;; his UwU tendew hewe I-I make ;;w;; some stay. [Wies down] 
*looks away* OBEWON. What *pokes you* hast thou donye? Thou hast mistaken quite, 
A-And waid t-the wove-juice on some twue-wove's sight. 
Of thy mispwision must pewfowce ensue 
Some twue wove tuwn'd, *twerks* and nyot a f-fawse tuwn'd twue. 
P-PUCK. Then fate o'ew-wuwes, that, onye m-man howding twoth, 
A miwwion faiw, confounding oath *pokes you* on oath. 
OBEWON. About the wood go swiftew than *shuffles closer* the wind, 
A-And *looks away* Hewenya of *cries* Athens wook thou *cuddles you* find; 
Aww fancy-sick she is and pawe :3 of cheew, 
W-With sighs of wove *looks away* that costs the f-fwesh bwood deaw. 
By some iwwusion see thou bwing *giggles shyly* hew hewe; 
I'ww chawm his eyes against she UwU do appeaw. 
PUCK. I-I go, I go; wook :33 how I-I *screams* go, 
Swiftew than awwow fwom the Tawtaw's bow. Exit 
OBEWON. Fwowew o-of this *cries* puwpwe d-dye, 
H-Hit with x3 Cupid's awchewy, 
S-Sink in appwe of his eye. 
When his w-wove he doth e-espy, 
Wet h-hew shinye as gwowiouswy 
As the Venyus of the sky. 
When thou wak'st, if she b-be by, 
Beg of hew fow w-wemedy. 

W-We-entew PUCK 

PUCK. Captain of ouw f-faiwy band, 
Hewenya is hewe *sighs* at hand, 
And the youth mistook by me 
Pweading fow a wovew's fee; 
>w< Shaww we *sweats* theiw f-fond pageant s-see? 
Wowd, what *giggles shyly* foows these UwU mowtaws be! 
*teleports behind you* OBEWON. Stand aside. The nyoise they make 
Wiww cause Demetwius to a-awake. 
PUCK. Then wiww two at once woo onye. 
That must nyeeds be s-spowt awonye; 
And those things do best pwease me 
That befaww pwepost'wouswy. 

UwU Entew >_> WYSANDEW ;;w;; and HEWENyA 

WYSANDEW. Why shouwd you think *looks away* that I shouwd woo i-in s-scown? 
Scown and dewision nyevew c-come in teaws. 
Wook *looks at you* when I vow, I ;;w;; weep; and vows so bown, 
I-In t-theiw nyativity a-aww twuth appeaws. 
How can these xDD things in me seem scown t-to you, 
*teleports behind you* Beawing the badge of faith, to x3 pwove >_> them t-twue? 
H-HEWENyA. *twerks* You do advance youw cunnying mowe and mowe. 
When *sweats* twuth kiwws twuth, O deviwish-howy fway! 
T-These *hugs tightly* vows a-awe Hewmia's. W-Wiww *looks at you* you give hew o'ew? 
Weigh oath with oath, and you wiww nyothing weigh: 
>_< Youw vows t-to hew >w< and me, p-put *cuddles you* in t-two scawes, 
Wiww even weigh; and both as w-wight as tawes. 
WYSANDEW. I hod nyo judgment when to h-hew *sweats* I swowe. 
HEWENyA. Nyow nyonye, i-in my *blushes* mind, n-nyow you *twerks* give hew o'ew. 
WYSANDEW. OwO Demetwius woves hew, and he woves nyot you. 
DEMETWIUS. *pokes you* [Awaking] *pokes you* O Hewen, *leans over* goddess, n-nymph, pewfect, divinye! 
*sighs* To what, my w-wove, shaww I compawe thinye eynye? 
Cwystaw uWu is muddy. O, how wipe in show 
Thy wips, those kissing c-chewwies, tempting gwow! 
That puwe congeawed white, high Tauwus' snyow, 
Fann'd with x3 the eastewn w-wind, tuwns to a cwow 
When t-thou howd'st up thy hand. O, wet me kiss 
This p-pwincess o-of puwe white, t-this seaw of bwiss! 
HEWENyA. O spite! O >_< heww! I see you aww awe bent 
To set against UwU me fow y-youw m-mewwiment. 
If y-you wewe civiw and knyew couwtesy, 
You wouwd nyot d-do me thus much *screams* injuwy. 
Can y-you nyot hate me, as I k-knyow you d-do, 
But you must join in souws to mock me too? 
If you wewe m-men, as men you awe in show, 
You wouwd nyot *teleports behind you* use a gentwe w-wady so: 
To vow, and sweaw, and s-supewpwaise *blushes* my *pokes you* pawts, 
When I-I am suwe you hate me with youw heawts. 
You both awe wivaws, and w-wove Hewmia; 
And nyow both wivaws, to mock Hewenya. 
:33 A twim *shuffles closer* expwoit, a manwy *twerks* entewpwise, 
To conjuwe teaws up in a poow m-maid's eyes 
;;w;; With y-youw dewision! Nyonye of nyobwe sowt 
Wouwd so offend a *shuffles closer* viwgin, and extowt 
A poow s-souw's patience, aww to *moans* make you spowt. 
WYSANDEW. >_< You awe unkind, Demetwius; be :33 nyot s-so; 
Fow you wove >w< Hewmia. This *hugs tightly* you knyow I knyow; 
*sweats* And h-hewe, with aww g-good wiww, with aww m-my heawt, 
*cuddles you* In Hewmia's wove I yiewd you up my pawt; 
And youws o-of Hewenya to me bequeath, 
W-Whom *cries* I d-do *sweats* wove and wiww do tiww my death. 
HEWENyA. *shuffles closer* Nyevew did mockews w-waste mowe idwe *twerks* bweath. 
DEMETWIUS. Wysandew, keep t-thy Hewmia; I wiww nyonye. 
If e'ew I :3 wov'd hew, aww that wove is gonye. 
*blushes* My heawt to h-hew but as g-guest-wise sojouwn'd, 
And n-nyow to Hewen i-is it *teleports behind you* home wetuwn'd, 
Thewe to w-wemain. 
WYSANDEW. Hewen, it i-is nyot so. 
DEMETWIUS. Dispawage nyot the xDD faith thou dost nyot knyow, 
West, t-to *screams* thy *shuffles closer* pewiw, thou aby *notices bulge* it deaw. 
Wook whewe thy wove c-comes; yondew is thy deaw. 

Entew HEWMIA 

HEWMIA. Dawk n-nyight, that fwom the eye his function takes, 
The eaw m-mowe quick of appwehension makes; 
W-Whewein it doth impaiw the seeing *shuffles closer* sense, 
It p-pays *sweats* the heawing doubwe wecompense. 
Thou awt n-nyot by minye e-eye, Wysandew, found; 
*sweats* Minye eaw, *looks at you* I thank *pokes you* it, bwought me *twerks* to thy sound. 
But :3 why unkindwy *sweats* didst thou OwO weave *giggles shyly* me so? 
WYSANDEW. Why shouwd :33 he stay w-whom wove ^w^ doth p-pwess t-to x3 go? 
HEWMIA. W-What wove couwd *notices bulge* pwess Wysandew fwom *hugs tightly* my side? 
*twerks* WYSANDEW. Wysandew's wove, that *sighs* wouwd nyot wet x3 him bide- 
Faiw H-Hewenya, OwO who mowe engiwds the nyight 
*pokes you* Than aww yon fiewy *leans over* oes and eyes of w-wight. 
W-Why seek'st thou me? Couwd nyot this m-make thee knyow 
*blushes* The hate I bawe *moans* thee made me weave >_< thee so? 
HEWMIA. You s-speak n-nyot as you think; it cannyot be. 
HEWENyA. Wo, she is *sweats* onye of this confedewacy! 
Nyow I pewceive they have conjoin'd aww thwee 
To fashion this fawse spowt in s-spite of me. 
Injuwious Hewmia! most ungwatefuw maid! 
Have you conspiw'd, h-have you with these contwiv'd, 
To bait me w-with this fouw dewision? 
Is aww the *sweats* counsew t-that w-we t-two have shaw'd, 
The sistews' v-vows, t-the x3 houws that we have spent, 
;;w;; When we >_< have chid the hasty-footed time 
Fow pawting *leans over* us- O, is aww *twerks* fowgot? 
Aww schoow-days' fwiendship, chiwdhood innyocence? 
We, Hewmia, :3 wike two awtificiaw gods, 
H-Have with ouw nyeedwes cweated both :33 onye f-fwowew, 
Both on onye sampwew, sitting on *looks away* onye *pokes you* cushion, 
B-Both *shuffles closer* wawbwing *sweats* of onye *looks away* song, both in onye key; 
As if ouw hands, ouw sides, voices, and m-minds, 
Had been incowpowate. So we gwew togethew, 
Wike t-to a doubwe chewwy, seeming pawted, 
But yet a-an unyion in pawtition, 
Two wovewy bewwies mouwded on onye *looks at you* stewn; 
So, with two seeming bodies, ;;w;; but onye h-heawt; 
*pokes you* Two of t-the fiwst, wike coats in *screams* hewawdwy, 
*giggles shyly* Due but to onye, and cwownyed with o-onye cwest. 
And >_> wiww you went ouw ancient wove asundew, 
*screams* To j-join *moans* with men *giggles shyly* in scownying youw poow fwiend? 
It is *shuffles closer* nyot ^.^ fwiendwy, '-'tis nyot m-maidenwy; 
Ouw sex, as weww as I, may chide you fow it, 
Though I ^w^ awonye do feew the injuwy. 
HEWMIA. I am amazed at youw passionyate wowds; 
I scown you nyot; it seems that you scown me. 
>_< HEWENyA. Have you nyot set Wysandew, as in scown, 
To ^w^ fowwow *blushes* me and p-pwaise *leans over* my eyes and face? 
^-^ And m-made youw o-othew wove, Demetwius, 
Who even but nyow did spuwn me with his foot, 
To caww me goddess, nymph, ^w^ divinye, and wawe, 
Pwecious, cewestiaw? Whewefowe speaks he this 
To hew he *giggles shyly* hates? And *pokes you* whewefowe *cuddles you* doth Wysandew 
Deny youw wove, s-so wich within his *blushes* souw, 
*shuffles closer* And t-tendew me, fowsooth, ^w^ affection, 
But by y-youw setting >w< on, by uWu youw consent? 
What though I be nyot s-so in gwace as you, 
So *leans over* hung upon with w-wove, so fowtunyate, 
But misewabwe most, to wove unwov'd? 
This you shouwd pity wathew than *shuffles closer* despise. 
H-HEWMIA. I ^.^ undewstand nyot what you mean by *cuddles you* this. 
HEWENyA. Ay, do- pewsevew, countewfeit x3 sad wooks, 
Make m-mouths upon me when I tuwn my OwO back, 
Wink each *twerks* at othew; ;;w;; howd the sweet jest *moans* up; 
This spowt, weww *pokes you* cawwied, shaww be *leans over* chwonyicwed. 
If y-you have any pity, gwace, ow mannyews, 
You wouwd *blushes* nyot make me such ;;w;; an awgument. 
But fawe y-ye weww; 'tis p-pawtwy my own fauwt, 
Which *pokes you* death, ow absence, soon shaww wemedy. 
WYSANDEW. S-Stay, gentwe Hewenya; *looks at you* heaw my excuse; 
My xDD wove, my w-wife, my souw, faiw *teleports behind you* Hewenya! 
H-HEWENyA. O-O excewwent! 
*sighs* HEWMIA. Sweet, do nyot scown h-hew so. 
DEMETWIUS. If she cannyot entweat, I can compew. 
WYSANDEW. Thou canst compew nyo mowe than she entweat; 
Thy thweats have n-nyo mowe stwength than hew weak *giggles shyly* pwayews 
Hewen, *cries* I wove thee, by my wife OwO I do; 
I ^-^ sweaw by that which I wiww wose fow thee 
T-To uWu pwove him fawse that says I wove thee nyot. 
DEMETWIUS. I say ^.^ I wove thee mowe than ^w^ he can d-do. 
WYSANDEW. If t-thou say so, w-withdwaw, and pwove it too. 
DEMETWIUS. Quick, *shuffles closer* come. 
HEWMIA. Wysandew, *leans over* wheweto tends aww this? 
WYSANDEW. Away, you Ethiope! 
DEMETWIUS. Nyo, nyo, he w-wiww 
Seem *blushes* to bweak w-woose- take on as you *cuddles you* wouwd *hugs tightly* fowwow, 
But yet *screams* come nyot. You awe a *looks at you* tame man; uWu go! 
W-WYSANDEW. Hang off, thou cat, thou buww; v-viwe thing, wet w-woose, 
Ow I wiww shake thee fwom me *cries* wike a-a sewpent. 
HEWMIA. Why *looks at you* awe you gwown so *looks away* wude? What change is this, 
Sweet wove? 
WYSANDEW. Thy wove! Out, tawny :3 Tawtaw, out! 
Out, woathed med'cinye! O hated potion, hence! 
HEWMIA. Do you nyot jest? 
HEWENyA. Yes, sooth; and >_> so *sweats* do you. 
WYSANDEW. Demetwius, I wiww *looks away* keep my w-wowd uWu with thee. 
DEMETWIUS. I wouwd I had y-youw bond; fow I *sweats* pewceive 
A weak bond howds you; I'ww nyot twust youw wowd. 
*screams* WYSANDEW. *blushes* What, shouwd I huwt hew, stwike hew, kiww hew dead? 
Awthough I hate hew, I'ww nyot hawm hew *screams* so. 
HEWMIA. What! Can y-you do m-me gweatew hawm than hate? 
Hate me! whewefowe? O me! what n-nyews, my wove? 
Am nyot I Hewmia? Awe nyot you Wysandew? 
I am a-as faiw *teleports behind you* nyow as I was ewewhiwe. 
Since nyight you wov'd me; y-yet since nyight you weft me. 
Why >w< then, y-you w-weft me- O, the gods f-fowbid!- 
In :3 eawnyest, shaww I say? 
WYSANDEW. Ay, by my wife! 
And nyevew did desiwe to see thee *sweats* mowe. 
*sweats* Thewefowe *cries* be out of hope, of ^-^ question, *twerks* of doubt; 
Be cewtain, nyothing twuew; 'tis nyo jest 
*moans* That I do hate *blushes* thee a-and *moans* wove Hewenya. 
HEWMIA. O-O me! x3 you juggwew! you cankewbwossom! 
You thief of :3 wove! What! Have ^w^ you come *blushes* by nyight, 
*screams* And *cries* stow'n m-my :3 wove's h-heawt *looks away* fwom him? 
HEWENyA. Finye, i-i' faith! 
Have y-you nyo modesty, nyo UwU maiden *twerks* shame, 
;;w;; Nyo t-touch *leans over* of bashfuwnyess? What! Wiww you teaw 
*screams* Impatient answews f-fwom my gentwe tongue? 
Fie, fie! you countewfeit, you puppet you! 
HEWMIA. 'Puppet!' why so? *looks at you* Ay, that >_< way goes the g-game. 
Nyow UwU I pewceive that she hath made c-compawe 
Between ouw statuwes; she hath u-uwg'd h-hew height; 
And with hew p-pewsonyage, hew taww pewsonyage, 
Hew h-height, fowsooth, she hath pwevaiw'd *moans* with h-him. 
A-And awe *hugs tightly* you gwown x3 so OwO high *looks at you* in his esteem 
Because I am so dwawfish and s-so w-wow? 
How wow am I, xDD thou painted UwU maypowe? Speak. 
H-How w-wow am I? I am nyot yet *shuffles closer* so wow 
But t-that my nyaiws x3 can weach unto t-thinye x3 eyes. 
:3 HEWENyA. *leans over* I pway you, t-though UwU you mock :33 me, gentwemen, 
Wet hew nyot huwt me. I was nyevew cuwst; 
I have n-nyo gift at aww in shwewishnyess; 
I am a wight maid fow my cowawdice; 
^w^ Wet hew nyot stwike me. You pewhaps may think, 
Because she is ;;w;; something wowew than mysewf, 
T-That I-I can match hew. 
H-HEWMIA. 'Wowew' hawk, again. 
H-HEWENyA. Good Hewmia, do nyot be so bittew *leans over* with me. 
*pokes you* I uWu evewmowe did wove you, H-Hewmia, 
Did evew k-keep y-youw counsews, nyevew wwong'd you; 
Save that, in wove unto Demetwius, 
I *hugs tightly* towd >_> him of youw steawth unto xDD this wood. 
He fowwowed you; fow wove I fowwowed *twerks* him; 
But he hath chid me hence, and thweat'nyed me 
To stwike me, spuwn m-me, nyay, t-to kiww me t-too; 
*cries* And nyow, s-so you wiww wet me quiet go, 
To Athens wiww I beaw my fowwy back, 
*leans over* And fowwow you nyo fuwthew. Wet m-me go. 
You see how simpwe and *sweats* how f-fond I a-am. 
H-HEWMIA. Why, get you gonye! Who is't that *leans over* hindews y-you? 
HEWENyA. A foowish *sighs* heawt that I-I weave hewe b-behind. 
HEWMIA. What! with Wysandew? 
HEWENyA. With *moans* Demetwius. 
WYSANDEW. B-Be nyot afwaid; >_< she shaww nyot hawm thee, Hewenya. 
DEMETWIUS. *shuffles closer* Nyo, siw, she s-shaww nyot, though y-you take hew pawt. 
HEWENyA. O, when she *shuffles closer* is angwy, she is k-keen a-and shwewd; 
She was a vixen when *moans* she went t-to schoow; 
And, though she be but wittwe, xDD she is >_> fiewce. 
HEWMIA. 'Wittwe' again! N-Nyothing but '-'wow' ;;w;; and x3 'wittwe'! 
Why wiww you suffew hew to fwout me *shuffles closer* thus? 
^.^ Wet me come to hew. 
WYSANDEW. Get you gonye, you dwawf; 
You m-minyimus, of hind'wing knyot-gwass made; 
You bead, *notices bulge* you acown. 
*cries* DEMETWIUS. You awe too officious 
In hew ^-^ behawf :3 that >_> scowns y-youw sewvices. 
Wet hew awonye; speak nyot of Hewenya; 
Take nyot hew pawt; fow if *teleports behind you* thou *giggles shyly* dost intend 
Nyevew so wittwe show of wove to hew, 
Thou s-shawt ^w^ aby it. 
*notices bulge* WYSANDEW. Nyow she *sighs* howds me nyot. 
Nyow fowwow, if thou daw'st, to twy whose w-wight, 
Of thinye ow minye, is most >_> in Hewenya. 
DEMETWIUS. ^-^ Fowwow! Nyay, I'ww go with thee, cheek by j-joww. 
Exeunt WYSANDEW and DEMETWIUS 
H-HEWMIA. You, mistwess, aww this c-coiw is *giggles shyly* wong o-of you. 
Nyay, go nyot back. 
HEWENyA. I *giggles shyly* wiww n-nyot twust y-you, I; 
Nyow wongew *notices bulge* stay in youw cuwst company. 
>w< Youw hands than minye awe quickew fow a fway; 
My wegs awe wongew though, to w-wun away. Exit 
HEWMIA. I a-am amaz'd, *teleports behind you* and knyow nyot *notices bulge* what to say. Exit 
OBEWON. This is thy *moans* nyegwigence. Stiww thou mistak'st, 
Ow ewse committ'st t-thy knyavewies wiwfuwwy. 
PUCK. Bewieve m-me, king of s-shadows, I mistook. 
Did n-nyot you teww me uWu I shouwd k-knyow the :33 man 
By the Athenyian g-gawments he h-had on? 
And so faw bwamewess pwoves my entewpwise 
>w< That I-I have '-'nyointed an A-Athenyian's eyes; 
And so faw am I gwad it ^w^ so *screams* did sowt, 
As this t-theiw j-jangwing I *giggles shyly* esteem a s-spowt. 
OBEWON. Thou s-seest these wovews seek *sweats* a pwace to fight. 
*pokes you* Hie *looks at you* thewefowe, Wobin, ovewcast *twerks* the nyight; 
The *notices bulge* stawwy w-wewkin covew thou a-anyon 
With *sighs* dwooping fog as bwack as *blushes* Achewon, 
And ;;w;; wead these testy wivaws so *looks away* astway 
As onye c-come nyot within anyothew's way. 
*notices bulge* Wike to Wysandew s-sometime fwame thy tongue, 
Then stiw Demetwius up with bittew *looks away* wwong; 
uWu And sometime waiw thou wike Demetwius; 
And fwom each o-othew wook thou w-wead them thus, 
Tiww o'ew *pokes you* theiw bwows death-countewfeiting sweep 
With weaden wegs and *shuffles closer* batty wings doth cweep. 
Then cwush this hewb into Wysandew's eye; 
Whose wiquow hath this v-viwtuous p-pwopewty, 
To t-take fwom thence aww ewwow with his might 
And m-make his e-eyebawws woww *leans over* with *sighs* wonted sight. 
When ^w^ they nyext wake, aww this dewision 
Shaww seem a dweam >_< and fwuitwess vision; 
And back to Athens s-shaww the w-wovews w-wend 
With weague whose date tiww d-death uWu shaww nyevew end. 
Whiwes I in this affaiw do thee ^w^ empwoy, 
I'ww *teleports behind you* to my queen, and beg hew Indian boy; 
And then I wiww hew *looks away* chawmed eye wewease 
Fwom monstew's *looks away* view, and aww things shaww *teleports behind you* be p-peace. 
UwU PUCK. My faiwy *sweats* wowd, this must be donye with *leans over* haste, 
F-Fow nyight's swift dwagons cut the cwouds fuww fast; 
A-And yondew shinyes Auwowa's ;;w;; hawbingew, 
At whose appwoach ;;w;; ghosts, wand'wing hewe and thewe, 
T-Twoop *screams* home to chuwchyawds. Damnyed spiwits aww 
That in >_< cwoss-ways and fwoods have buwiaw, 
*hugs tightly* Awweady to theiw *looks away* wowmy beds awe gonye, 
Fow feaw west day ^.^ shouwd wook theiw shames upon; 
They wiwfuwwy themsewves exiw'd fwom wight, 
OwO And must *blushes* fow aye consowt with >_< bwack-bwow'd nyight. 
OBEWON. But we *shuffles closer* awe *screams* spiwits of anyothew sowt: 
I with the Mownying's *teleports behind you* wove have oft made spowt; 
And, wike a-a fowestew, the gwoves may twead 
Even tiww the eastewn ^.^ gate, aww fiewy UwU wed, 
*sweats* Openying on *moans* Nyeptunye with *cries* faiw bwessed beams, 
*cries* Tuwns into yewwow gowd h-his sawt gween stweams. 
But, n-nyotwithstanding, h-haste, make nyo deway; 
We may effect this *shuffles closer* businyess yet ewe *giggles shyly* day. *leans over* Exit OBEWON 
PUCK. Up and *screams* down, up and OwO down, 
I wiww wead them up and down. 
I am feaw'd in fiewd x3 and *notices bulge* town. 
Gobwin, wead them ^w^ up and down. 
H-Hewe comes onye. 

xDD Entew WYSANDEW 

WYSANDEW. W-Whewe awt thou, pwoud D-Demetwius? Speak thou nyow. 
PUCK. Hewe, viwwain, dwawn and w-weady. *shuffles closer* Whewe awt thou? 
W-WYSANDEW. *shuffles closer* I wiww be with thee UwU stwaight. 
P-PUCK. Fowwow me, then, 
To pwainyew gwound. Exit WYSANDEW as f-fowwowing *sweats* the voice 

Entew D-DEMETWIUS 

DEMETWIUS. *twerks* Wysandew, speak again. 
Thou xDD wunyaway, thou c-cowawd, a-awt thou fwed? 
Speak! ;;w;; In some bush? Whewe d-dost *blushes* thou *sweats* hide thy head? 
*cries* PUCK. *giggles shyly* Thou cowawd, awt *looks at you* thou bwagging to the staws, 
*moans* Tewwing the b-bushes *cries* that UwU thou wook'st fow waws, 
*looks at you* And wiwt nyot come? Come, wecweant, come, thou chiwd; 
I'ww whip t-thee with *giggles shyly* a wod. He i-is d-defiw'd 
*twerks* That dwaws a swowd *looks at you* on thee. 
DEMETWIUS. Yea, awt *screams* thou thewe? 
PUCK. Fowwow my voice; we'ww twy nyo :3 manhood >_> hewe. Exeunt 

We-entew WYSANDEW 

WYSANDEW. He goes befowe m-me, and stiww dawes me on; 
When *pokes you* I come whewe he cawws, then he is gonye. 
The v-viwwain is much *sighs* wightew heew'd t-than I. 
I fowwowed f-fast, but fastew he did *cuddles you* fwy, 
That fawwen am I in dawk unyeven way, 
And hewe *sweats* wiww >_< west me. [Wies down] :3 Come, thou xDD gentwe day. 
F-Fow if *notices bulge* but once thou show m-me thy gwey wight, 
I'ww find Demetwius, and wevenge this OwO spite. [Sweeps] 

We-entew *cries* PUCK and DEMETWIUS 

>_> PUCK. H-Ho, ho, ho! *twerks* Cowawd, why com'st thou nyot? 
DEMETWIUS. >_< Abide me, if thou daw'st; f-fow weww *giggles shyly* I w-wot 
Thou w-wun'st befowe m-me, shifting evewy *moans* pwace, 
And daw'st x3 nyot stand, nyow wook me in the face. 
W-Whewe a-awt thou nyow? 
PUCK. Come hithew; *teleports behind you* I am *hugs tightly* hewe. 
DEMETWIUS. N-Nyay, t-then, t-thou mock'st me. Thou shawt buy this deaw, 
If evew I thy face by daywight see; 
Nyow, go thy way. Faintnyess constwainyeth m-me 
To measuwe *giggles shyly* out my wength on *shuffles closer* this cowd bed. 
By day's appwoach wook to be visited. 
[Wies down and sweeps] 

*sweats* Entew HEWENyA 

HEWENyA. O-O weawy *giggles shyly* nyight, O wong a-and tedious nyight, 
Abate thy houws! Shinye comfowts fwom the east, 
That I-I may back to Athens >w< by d-daywight, 
Fwom these *looks at you* that m-my poow company detest. 
And sweep, *looks at you* that sometimes shuts up sowwow's eye, 
Steaw me awhiwe *moans* fwom minye own company. [Sweeps] 
PUCK. Yet b-but thwee? Come UwU onye *cuddles you* mowe; 
Two of both kinds makes up fouw. 
Hewe she comes, cuwst and sad. 
C-Cupid is a knyavish wad, 
Thus to make poow femawes mad. 

Entew HEWMIA 

HEWMIA. Nyevew so weawy, *shuffles closer* nyevew so in woe, 
*blushes* Bedabbwed w-with *giggles shyly* the dew, a-and town with bwiews, 
*blushes* I can nyo fuwthew cwaww, nyo fuwthew go; 
My wegs *sweats* can keep nyo UwU pace with my >_> desiwes. 
Hewe wiww I west me tiww *moans* the *cries* bweak of day. 
>w< Heavens shiewd W-Wysandew, if they mean a-a f-fway! 
[Wies down a-and >w< sweeps] 
PUCK. >w< On the gwound 
Sweep s-sound; 
I'ww a-appwy 
To youw eye, 
Gentwe wovew, wemedy. 
[Squeezing the juice xDD on WYSANDEW'S eyes] 
W-When thou wak'st, 
Thou tak'st 
Twue dewight 
In the sight 
Of thy fowmew *blushes* wady's eye; 
And the countwy p-pwovewb knyown, 
That evewy uWu man shouwd take his own, 
In *screams* youw waking shaww be *blushes* shown: 
Jack s-shaww *pokes you* have Jiww; 
Nyought *screams* shaww go iww; 
The man shaww have his mawe again, and a-aww shaww be x3 weww. 
Exit 




<-<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE ^w^ COMPWETE *hugs tightly* WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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*twerks* ACT I-IV. S-SCENyE I-I. 
The wood. WYSANDEW, DEMETWIUS, HEWENyA, and HEWMIA, wying asweep 

Entew TITANyIA and Bottom; *leans over* PEASEBWOSSOM, COBWEB, MOTH, MUSTAWDSEED, 
*sweats* and o-othew FAIWIES attending; 
OBEWON behind, unseen 

TITANyIA. *moans* Come, sit thee down >_< upon this f-fwow'wy bed, 
Whiwe I thy amiabwe cheeks d-do coy, 
And stick musk-woses x3 in thy s-sweek smooth head, 
A-And kiss t-thy faiw wawge eaws, my gentwe joy. 
BOTTOM. Whewe's Peasebwossom? 
>w< PEASEBWOSSOM. W-Weady. 
BOTTOM. Scwatch my head, Peasebwossom. 
Whewe's Mounsieuw Cobweb? 
COBWEB. Weady. 
B-BOTTOM. Mounsieuw Cobweb; good mounsieuw, get you youw weapons in 
youw hand and kiww me a wed-hipp'd >_< humbwe-bee >w< on *teleports behind you* the top of a-a 
thistwe; and, good m-mounsieuw, bwing me t-the UwU honyey-bag. Do nyot fwet 
youwsewf too much *pokes you* in the action, mounsieuw; and, good *twerks* mounsieuw, 
have a cawe the *sweats* honyey-bag bweak nyot; I wouwd be woath to have y-you 
ovewfwown *teleports behind you* with *sweats* a uWu honyey-bag, signyiow. Whewe's Mounsieuw 
Mustawdseed? 
M-MUSTAWDSEED. Weady. 
BOTTOM. Give me youw :33 nyeaf, Mounsieuw Mustawdseed. xDD Pway you, weave 
youw cuwtsy, good mounsieuw. 
MUSTAWDSEED. What's *pokes you* youw wiww? 
BOTTOM. Nyothing, good mounsieuw, but to hewp C-Cavawewy Cobweb to 
^.^ scwatch. I must to the bawbew's, mounsieuw; fow methinks I am 
mawvewwous *cries* haiwy a-about the face; a-and I am *twerks* such a tendew ass, if 
my haiw do but tickwe me I must scwatch. 
T-TITANyIA. *giggles shyly* What, wiwt thou heaw some music, my sweet wove? 
BOTTOM. I have a w-weasonyabwe good eaw in music. Wet's h-have the tongs 
*looks away* and the b-bonyes. 
TITANyIA. Ow say, *teleports behind you* sweet wove, what thou desiwest t-to *giggles shyly* eat. 
*notices bulge* BOTTOM. Twuwy, a peck of pwovendew; I *leans over* couwd munch youw good dwy 
oats. Methinks I-I *sweats* have a gweat desiwe to a b-bottwe of hay. Good 
hay, *giggles shyly* sweet hay, hath nyo fewwow. 
TITANyIA. I have a-a ventuwous f-faiwy that shaww seek 
T-The s-squiwwew's hoawd, and fetch thee nyew nyuts. 
BOTTOM. *shuffles closer* I had wathew have a handfuw ow two of dwied peas. But, I 
pway you, wet n-nyonye o-of y-youw peopwe stiw m-me; I-I have a-an exposition 
of sweep come upon me. 
TITANyIA. Sweep t-thou, *leans over* and I wiww OwO wind thee in m-my awms. 
Faiwies, be gonye, and be a-aww ways *cries* away. Exeunt FAIWIES 
So doth the w-woodbinye the sweet honyeysuckwe 
*blushes* Gentwy entwist; the femawe ivy so 
Enwings t-the *teleports behind you* bawky fingews of *notices bulge* the ewm. 
O-O, how I wove thee! how *sweats* I dote on *cuddles you* thee! [They sweep] 

Entew PUCK 

OBEWON. ^-^ [Advancing] Wewcome, good Wobin. ^-^ Seest t-thou this sweet 
sight? 
*cuddles you* Hew dotage nyow I d-do begin to pity; 
Fow, meeting hew of wate behind >w< the wood, 
Seeking sweet favouws fow this hatefuw foow, 
*blushes* I d-did ^-^ upbwaid hew and faww *screams* out with hew. 
Fow she his haiwy tempwes then had w-wounded 
With cowonyet of fwesh uWu and fwagwant fwowews; 
And that same d-dew which sometime *shuffles closer* on the buds 
W-Was *teleports behind you* wont to sweww wike >_> wound and *leans over* owient peawws 
Stood nyow within the pwetty fwowewets' eyes, 
Wike teaws that :3 did theiw o-own disgwace *looks at you* bewaiw. 
When I had a-at my pweasuwe taunted hew, 
And she in m-miwd tewms begg'd my patience, 
I >w< then uWu did ^.^ ask of hew hew changewing chiwd; 
*blushes* Which *blushes* stwaight she gave *giggles shyly* me, *pokes you* and hew faiwy >_< sent 
To beaw him to *sweats* my bowew in faiwy w-wand. 
And n-nyow I have *shuffles closer* the boy, I wiww undo 
This h-hatefuw impewfection of hew *teleports behind you* eyes. 
And, gentwe >_> Puck, take this twansfowmed scawp 
F-Fwom off *screams* the *sweats* head ;;w;; of this Athenyian x3 swain, 
That he a-awaking when *shuffles closer* the *cuddles you* othew do 
May aww to Athens back again wepaiw, 
And ;;w;; think n-nyo mowe of this *leans over* nyight's accidents 
But as the fiewce vexation o-of a dweam. 
But fiwst I wiww wewease *looks away* the Faiwy Q-Queen. 
*blushes* [Touching h-hew *shuffles closer* eyes] 
Be as thou wast OwO wont to be; 
S-See as thou *sweats* was wont to see. 
Dian's bud o'ew Cupid's fwowew 
Hath such fowce and bwessed *shuffles closer* powew. 
N-Nyow, my *sweats* Titanyia; wake you, ;;w;; my sweet queen. 
*pokes you* TITANyIA. My Obewon! What visions have I-I seen! 
Methought I was enyamouw'd of an ass. 
O-OBEWON. Thewe wies youw wove. 
TITANyIA. How came t-these things *giggles shyly* to pass? 
O, how minye eyes do woathe :3 his visage nyow! 
OBEWON. ^.^ Siwence awhiwe. Wobin, take off this head. 
Titanyia, music caww; and stwike mowe dead 
Than common s-sweep of a-aww these five the s-sense. 
TITANyIA. Music, ho, music, such as chawmeth sweep! 
*sweats* PUCK. N-Nyow when thou >w< wak'st *screams* with thinye own *teleports behind you* foow's eyes peep. 
*looks at you* OBEWON. Sound, music. Come, *sighs* my Queen, take hands with me, 
[Music] 
And *looks at you* wock the gwound wheweon t-these sweepews *cuddles you* be. 
Nyow t-thou >_< and I awe nyew i-in a-amity, 
And wiww t-to-mowwow midnyight sowemnwy 
Dance in Duke Theseus' *shuffles closer* house twiumphantwy, 
And bwess it *cuddles you* to aww faiw pwospewity. 
Thewe shaww the paiws of faithfuw w-wovews be 
Wedded, w-with Theseus, a-an in jowwity. 
P-PUCK. Faiwy King, a-attend and m-mawk; 
I do heaw the mownying >_> wawk. 
OBEWON. T-Then, my Queen, in *sighs* siwence sad, 
Twip we aftew nyight's shade. 
We the g-gwobe can compass soon, 
Swiftew than the wand'wing moon. 
TITANyIA. Come, my wowd; and in ouw *sweats* fwight, 
Teww *twerks* me h-how it *blushes* came t-this nyight 
T-That I-I sweeping hewe was found 
With >w< these mowtaws on the gwound. Exeunt 

To the winding of howns, entew THESEUS, *leans over* HIPPOWYTA, 
*pokes you* EGEUS, and twain 

THESEUS. Go, onye *cuddles you* of you, find out the *looks at you* fowestew; 
Fow nyow ;;w;; ouw obsewvation is pewfowm'd, 
A-And since we have *sighs* the vawawd of the d-day, 
My wove shaww *pokes you* heaw the music of my hounds. 
Uncoupwe *giggles shyly* in the westewn vawwey; wet them go. 
D-Dispatch, I s-say, and find the fowestew. Exit an ATTENDANT 
We wiww, faiw Queen, up to the mountain's *moans* top, 
And mawk the m-musicaw confusion 
Of hounds and echo in conjunction. 
HIPPOWYTA. I-I was with Hewcuwes and Cadmus once 
When in a ^.^ wood of Cwete they bay'd *moans* the *notices bulge* beaw 
With hounds of Spawta; nyevew did I heaw 
Such gawwant chiding, fow, b-besides the g-gwoves, 
The skies, the *giggles shyly* fountains, evewy wegion n-nyeaw 
Seem'd aww onye mutuaw cwy. I nyevew heawd 
So musicaw a discowd, such sweet thundew. 
*leans over* THESEUS. My hounds awe bwed out of the *looks at you* Spawtan kind, 
So fwew'd, so :33 sanded; and theiw heads a-awe hung 
With e-eaws that sweep away the mownying d-dew; 
Cwook-knyee'd and dew-wapp'd wike Thessawian b-buwws; 
Swow in puwsuit, but match'd in mouth w-wike bewws, 
Each undew *notices bulge* each. A-A cwy mowe tunyeabwe 
Was nyevew howwa'd to, OwO nyow cheew'd with hown, 
In Cwete, i-in Spawta, n-nyow in *giggles shyly* Thessawy. 
Judge when you heaw. But, soft, what nymphs awe these? 
EGEUS. xDD My wowd, this is my daughtew hewe asweep, 
And this UwU Wysandew, this Demetwius is, 
This Hewenya, owd Nyedaw's Hewenya. 
I wondew of theiw being hewe t-togethew. 
THESEUS. Nyo doubt t-they wose up eawwy to obsewve 
The wite of May; and, heawing ouw intent, 
Came hewe in g-gwace of ouw sowemnyity. 
But speak, Egeus; is nyot this the day 
T-That *shuffles closer* Hewmia shouwd g-give answew >_> of hew choice? 
E-EGEUS. I-It is, my wowd. 
THESEUS. G-Go, bid the huntsmen wake them with theiw howns. 
[Howns and shout ;;w;; within. The sweepews 
a-awake *sighs* and *screams* knyeew t-to THESEUS] 
Good-mowwow, f-fwiends. Saint Vawentinye is past; 
Begin these wood-biwds but to coupwe nyow? 
WYSANDEW. Pawdon, my wowd. 
THESEUS. ^w^ I pway you aww, stand up. 
I *sighs* knyow y-you two awe wivaw enyemies; 
How comes this gentwe concowd in :3 the wowwd 
That OwO hatwed is so faw fwom jeawousy 
To sweep by *hugs tightly* hate, xDD and f-feaw nyo enmity? 
>_< WYSANDEW. My wowd, I s-shaww wepwy a-amazedwy, 
*sweats* Hawf sweep, x3 hawf waking; but as yet, I-I sweaw, 
I cannyot twuwy say how I c-came hewe, 
But, as I think- fow twuwy wouwd I-I speak, 
And nyow I do bethink *sweats* me, so it is- 
I-I came with Hewmia hithew. O-Ouw intent 
Was *pokes you* to be gonye fwom Athens, whewe we m-might, 
Without *hugs tightly* the p-pewiw of *giggles shyly* the >_> Athenyian :33 waw- 
EGEUS. Enyough, enyough, my Wowd; you have enyough; 
I-I beg the waw, the *looks away* waw *looks away* upon his head. 
They wouwd have stow'n *pokes you* away, they wouwd, Demetwius, 
*leans over* Theweby to have defeated you and me: 
You *sighs* of youw wife, and me of my ^.^ consent, 
Of my consent that *teleports behind you* she s-shouwd be youw wife. 
DEMETWIUS. My wowd, faiw Hewen towd me of theiw *screams* steawth, 
Of this theiw uWu puwpose hithew to this wood; 
And I-I in fuwy hithew fowwowed uWu them, 
Faiw Hewenya in fancy fowwowing *shuffles closer* me. 
B-But, my good wowd, I wot nyot by w-what powew- 
But by some powew it is- my wove to H-Hewmia, 
Mewted as *blushes* the s-snyow, s-seems to me nyow 
A-As the wemembwance of an idwe gaud 
Which in my chiwdhood I d-did dote upon; 
And aww the f-faith, *sweats* the *pokes you* viwtue of my heawt, 
The object and the pweasuwe o-of minye eye, 
Is onwy Hewenya. To *looks at you* hew, my wowd, 
Was I b-betwoth'd ewe I-I s-saw Hewmia. 
But, wike a s-sicknyess, did I woathe this food; 
But, as UwU in heawth, come t-to my nyatuwaw taste, 
Nyow I do wish it, wove it, xDD wong fow it, 
A-And wiww fow evewmowe be twue to it. 
THESEUS. Faiw wovews, you uWu awe fowtunyatewy met; 
Of this discouwse we mowe wiww heaw anyon. 
Egeus, xDD I wiww ovewbeaw youw w-wiww; 
Fow in the tempwe, b-by and by, with us 
These coupwes shaww etewnyawwy xDD be knyit. 
And, fow the mownying nyow is something wown, 
Ouw puwpos'd h-hunting shaww be set aside. 
Away *pokes you* with us t-to Athens, t-thwee and thwee; 
We'ww howd xDD a feast in gweat s-sowemnyity. 
Come, Hippowyta. 
Exeunt THESEUS, *looks away* HIPPOWYTA, EGEUS, and twain 
*sighs* DEMETWIUS. These things s-seem s-smaww and undistinguishabwe, 
Wike faw-off mountains tuwnyed into *looks away* cwouds. 
HEWMIA. Methinks I see these things *moans* with pawted eye, 
*teleports behind you* When evewy thing seems ^-^ doubwe. 
HEWENyA. So methinks; 
And I have found Demetwius wike a jewew, 
Minye own, *teleports behind you* and nyot minye own. 
D-DEMETWIUS. Awe *blushes* you suwe 
That we awe awake? It seems to me 
That y-yet we sweep, we dweam. Do n-nyot you t-think 
The Duke was *notices bulge* hewe, and b-bid us fowwow h-him? 
HEWMIA. Yea, and *moans* my fathew. 
HEWENyA. And Hippowyta. 
WYSANDEW. And he d-did bid us fowwow t-to the tempwe. 
DEMETWIUS. UwU Why, then, we a-awe uWu awake; wet's fowwow him; 
And by the way wet u-us wecount ouw dweams. Exeunt 
BOTTOM. [-[Awaking] When m-my cue comes, caww me, a-and I w-wiww answew. My 
nyext is 'Most faiw P-Pywamus.' Heigh-ho! Petew Quince! Fwute, the 
bewwows-mendew! *leans over* Snyout, the tinkew! Stawvewing! God's *cries* my wife, 
stow'n hence, and weft me *twerks* asweep! *giggles shyly* I have had a most wawe vision. 
I have h-had a dweam, past t-the wit o-of m-man t-to say what dweam *sweats* it was. 
Man is x3 but uWu an ass x3 if he go ;;w;; about to expound this dweam. Methought 
I was- thewe is :3 nyo man can teww what. Methought I w-was, *pokes you* and 
methought *looks at you* I h-had, but m-man is but a *looks away* patch'd :3 foow, if he wiww offew 
to say what methought I-I had. The eye of man h-hath nyot heawd, t-the 
eaw of man hath nyot seen, man's hand is nyot abwe to taste, his 
tongue to c-conceive, nyow his h-heawt to w-wepowt, what :33 my *leans over* dweam was. I 
wiww get Petew :33 Quince to wwite a-a bawwad of this d-dweam. It shaww 
be caww'd 'Bottom's Dweam,' because i-it hath nyo bottom; and I-I *sweats* wiww 
sing it i-in the wattew end of a pway, befowe *cries* the Duke. 
*notices bulge* Pewadventuwe, to make it t-the mowe g-gwacious, *sweats* I shaww sing it at 
hew death. Exit 




SCENyE II. 
Athens. QUINCE'S house 

Entew QUINCE, FWUTE, SNyOUT, and STAWVEWING 

QUINCE. H-Have x3 you sent to Bottom's house? Is he come *notices bulge* home yet? 
STAWVEWING. He cannyot b-be h-heawd of. Out *twerks* of doubt xDD he is twanspowted. 
FWUTE. If he come nyot, then the pway is maww'd; it g-goes *teleports behind you* nyot 
*looks at you* fowwawd, doth it? 
QUINCE. xDD It is nyot possibwe. UwU You h-have nyot a man in aww A-Athens :33 abwe 
*notices bulge* to dischawge Pywamus but he. 
FWUTE. Nyo; he h-hath simpwy the :33 best wit of *blushes* any handicwaft man *sighs* in 
Athens. 
QUINCE. Yea, and the best pewson too; and he is >_< a vewy p-pawamouw fow 
a s-sweet voice. 
FWUTE. You must say 'pawagon.' A pawamouw is- God bwess u-us!- A 
thing of nyaught. 

Entew SNyUG 

SNyUG. M-Mastews, the Duke is c-coming ^w^ fwom the t-tempwe; and thewe x3 is two 
ow t-thwee xDD wowds and OwO wadies mowe mawwied. If ouw spowt had *shuffles closer* gonye 
fowwawd, w-we had aww been made men. 
FWUTE. O sweet buwwy ^w^ Bottom! Thus hath he *blushes* wost >_> sixpence a day 
duwing his wife; he couwd n-nyot have scaped sixpence a day. An the 
>_< Duke had nyot given him sixpence a day f-fow pwaying P-Pywamus, >w< I'ww 
be *sighs* hanged. He wouwd have d-desewved it: sixpence a day in Pywamus, 
ow nyothing. 

Entew B-BOTTOM 

BOTTOM. Whewe awe *hugs tightly* these wads? Whewe awe these heawts? 
*looks at you* QUINCE. Bottom! O most *looks at you* couwageous day! O most h-happy houw! 
BOTTOM. Mastews, I *cuddles you* am to discouwse wondews; but *looks away* ask me nyot what; 
fow :3 if I teww you, I am nyot twue *blushes* Athenyian. xDD I >w< wiww t-teww you 
e-evewything, wight as it feww o-out. 
QUINCE. W-Wet us h-heaw, *looks away* sweet Bottom. 
BOTTOM. *sweats* Nyot a *cuddles you* wowd of me. Aww that I wiww teww you is, that *leans over* the 
D-Duke hath dinyed. Get y-youw appawew togethew; g-good stwings to *notices bulge* youw 
beawds, nyew wibbons *cries* to *sighs* youw pumps; meet pwesentwy at the pawace; 
evewy man wook o'ew >_> his pawt; OwO fow t-the showt and the wong is, ouw 
pway is pwefeww'd. In any case, wet Thisby ^w^ have c-cwean winyen; and 
wet nyot him that pways the wion pawe his nyaiws, fow *teleports behind you* they shaww 
hang out fow the wion's cwaws. And, m-most deaw a-actows, ;;w;; eat *shuffles closer* nyo 
o-onyions nyow g-gawwic, fow we awe to uttew sweet b-bweath; and I do nyot 
doubt *teleports behind you* but to heaw t-them say it is a sweet comedy. Nyo mowe wowds. 
Away, go, away! Exeunt 




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ACT V. SCENyE I. 
*hugs tightly* Athens. T-The pawace of THESEUS 

uWu Entew THESEUS, HIPPOWYTA, P-PHIWOSTWATE, WOWDS, and ATTENDANTS 

^w^ HIPPOWYTA. 'Tis stwange, my Theseus, that these wovews speak of. 
THESEUS. Mowe stwange than twue. I-I n-nyevew may x3 bewieve 
These antique fabwes, *cuddles you* nyow these faiwy t-toys. 
W-Wovews a-and madmen have such seething bwains, 
Such shaping fantasies, that appwehend 
Mowe t-than coow weason evew compwehends. 
The wunyatic, the wovew, and the poet, 
Awe of imaginyation aww compact. 
Onye sees mowe *twerks* deviws than vast heww can *cuddles you* howd; 
That is the madman. The w-wovew, aww as f-fwantic, 
Sees Hewen's UwU beauty in a bwow of Egypt. 
The poet's eye, in a *hugs tightly* finye fwenzy wowwing, 
Doth gwance fwom heaven t-to eawth, fwom eawth to *shuffles closer* heaven; 
And as imaginyation bodies fowth 
The fowms of t-things *leans over* unknyown, the x3 poet's pen 
Tuwns t-them to shapes, and gives t-to aiwy nyothing 
A wocaw habitation *teleports behind you* and x3 a nyame. 
Such *sweats* twicks h-hath stwong i-imaginyation 
That, if it wouwd but appwehend some joy, 
*cries* It compwehends some bwingew of that joy; 
OwO Ow in the >_> nyight, imaginying s-some feaw, 
How UwU easy is a-a bush suppos'd a beaw? 
HIPPOWYTA. But aww t-the stowy of *sweats* the nyight towd o-ovew, 
And aww theiw minds t-twansfiguw'd so *cries* togethew, 
Mowe witnyesseth than fancy's images, 
And gwows to something of g-gweat constancy, 
But howsoevew >_< stwange and admiwabwe. 

Entew WYSANDEW, DEMETWIUS, HEWMIA, *hugs tightly* and *blushes* HEWENyA 

THESEUS. Hewe come the w-wovews, fuww of joy and miwth. 
Joy, gentwe fwiends, joy and fwesh days o-of wove 
A-Accompany youw heawts! 
W-WYSANDEW. M-Mowe than to us 
Wait in youw woyaw wawks, youw boawd, *cuddles you* youw bed! 
*looks away* THESEUS. Come nyow; what masques, what dances shaww we have, 
To weaw away this wong age of thwee houws 
Between ouw aftew-suppew and bed-time? 
Whewe *looks at you* is ouw usuaw manyagew of miwth? 
What wevews awe in hand? ^-^ Is thewe n-nyo pway 
To ease the :3 anguish of a t-towtuwing *hugs tightly* houw? 
Caww Phiwostwate. 
PHIWOSTWATE. H-Hewe, mighty Theseus. 
T-THESEUS. Say, w-what a-abwidgment have *blushes* you fow this e-evenying? 
What masque? what music? How shaww we beguiwe 
*giggles shyly* The w-wazy OwO time, i-if nyot with *shuffles closer* some dewight? 
PHIWOSTWATE. *shuffles closer* Thewe is a-a bwief how many spowts >w< awe wipe; 
Make choice o-of which youw H-Highnyess *leans over* wiww ^.^ see fiwst. 
[Giving a papew] 
>w< THESEUS. 'The battwe with the Centauws, to be sung 
By an Athenyian *giggles shyly* eunyuch to the h-hawp.' 
We'ww nyonye ^-^ of ^.^ that: that ^.^ have I towd my wove, 
In gwowy *sighs* of my kinsman :3 Hewcuwes. 
'The wiot o-of the tipsy Bacchanyaws, 
Teawing the Thwacian singew in theiw wage.' 
That x3 is an owd device, and it was pway'd 
When I fwom T-Thebes came *hugs tightly* wast a conquewow. 
'The t-thwice thwee Muses mouwnying fow the death 
UwU Of Weawnying, w-wate deceas'd in beggawy.' 
That is some satiwe, keen and cwiticaw, 
Nyot sowting with >_> a nyuptiaw *notices bulge* cewemony. 
*hugs tightly* 'A tedious bwief scenye of young Pywamus 
And h-his wove Thisby; vewy twagicaw miwth.' 
Mewwy a-and twagicaw! tedious and bwief! 
That is h-hot ice and wondwous stwange snyow. 
How shaww we find the concowd of ^-^ this discowd? 
PHIWOSTWATE. A pway thewe is, m-my wowd, s-some ten wowds wong, 
Which is a-as bwief as ^w^ I h-have *leans over* knyown *screams* a pway; 
But *sighs* by ten wowds, my *shuffles closer* wowd, it i-is *giggles shyly* too wong, 
Which makes it tedious; *sighs* fow in aww the pway 
Thewe is nyot >_< onye wowd apt, onye pwayew f-fitted. 
>w< And twagicaw, my nyobwe wowd, it is; 
*hugs tightly* Fow Pywamus thewein doth kiww ;;w;; himsewf. 
Which when I saw *notices bulge* weheaws'd, I must confess, 
Made minye eyes watew; b-but mowe mewwy t-teaws 
The passion of woud w-waughtew n-nyevew shed. 
T-THESEUS. What awe they that do pway it? 
PHIWOSTWATE. ^-^ Hawd-handed men that wowk in Athens hewe, 
Which nyevew wabouw'd in theiw minds tiww nyow; 
And nyow have toiw'd theiw u-unbweathed m-memowies 
With UwU this same :3 pway against youw ^.^ nyuptiaw. 
THESEUS. And we wiww heaw *cuddles you* it. 
*sighs* PHIWOSTWATE. Nyo, my nyobwe wowd, 
It is nyot fow you. I have heawd it ovew, 
And i-it *pokes you* is nyothing, uWu nyothing in t-the w-wowwd; 
;;w;; Unwess ^.^ you c-can f-find spowt in theiw i-intents, 
Extwemewy stwetch'd and conn'd with cwuew pain, 
To do ^w^ you sewvice. 
THESEUS. I wiww h-heaw that pway; 
Fow nyevew anything can *pokes you* be amiss 
:3 When simpwenyess and duty tendew it. 
Go, bwing them in; *teleports behind you* and take youw pwaces, wadies. 
Exit PHIWOSTWATE 
HIPPOWYTA. I wove xDD nyot to *moans* see wwetchednyess o'ew-chawged, 
uWu And >w< duty in h-his sewvice pewishing. 
THESEUS. Why, ^.^ gentwe *sweats* sweet, you >_> shaww ^w^ see nyo such thing. 
HIPPOWYTA. He says they can do nyothing in *cuddles you* this k-kind. 
T-THESEUS. >_> The kindew we, to give them thanks fow nyothing. 
Ouw spowt shaww be to take what they mistake; 
A-And what poow d-duty :33 cannyot do, n-nyobwe wespect 
Takes it in m-might, n-nyot mewit. 
*sighs* Whewe I have come, gweat cwewks have :33 puwposed 
*cries* To gweet me with pwemeditated wewcomes; 
Whewe I have *shuffles closer* seen them >w< shivew and *giggles shyly* wook pawe, 
*sighs* Make p-pewiods in the midst o-of sentences, 
Thwottwe theiw *pokes you* pwactis'd accent in theiw *cries* feaws, 
And, i-in concwusion, dumbwy have bwoke o-off, 
N-Nyot paying me a-a wewcome. Twust me, sweet, 
Out o-of t-this siwence y-yet I *leans over* pick'd a wewcome; 
A-And in t-the modesty of feawfuw *teleports behind you* duty 
*blushes* I wead as much as fwom the ^w^ wattwing tongue 
Of saucy and audacious *blushes* ewoquence. 
Wove, thewefowe, and tongue-tied simpwicity 
In weast *looks at you* speak *pokes you* most xDD to my capacity. 

^w^ We-entew PHIWOSTWATE 

PHIWOSTWATE. SO pwease youw Gwace, the Pwowogue is *giggles shyly* addwess'd. 
*sweats* THESEUS. Wet him appwoach. [Fwouwish *hugs tightly* of *twerks* twumpets] 

Entew QUINCE as the *cuddles you* PWOWOGUE 

PWOWOGUE. If we o-offend, it ^.^ is with *sighs* ouw good wiww. 
That ^-^ you shouwd think, we come nyot ;;w;; to o-offend, 
But with good wiww. To show *looks away* ouw simpwe skiww, 
That i-is ;;w;; the twue beginnying of ouw e-end. 
*giggles shyly* Considew then, we come but *sighs* in despite. 
We d-do >_> nyot come, a-as m-minding to content you, 
Ouw twue i-intent is. Aww f-fow *giggles shyly* youw dewight 
We awe nyot hewe. That you *teleports behind you* shouwd hewe wepent y-you, 
*leans over* The actows awe at band; ^w^ and, by theiw show, 
You shaww knyow aww, that you *hugs tightly* awe w-wike to knyow, 
THESEUS. T-This fewwow doth nyot stand upon points. 
WYSANDEW. H-He hath *screams* wid his pwowogue wike a wough cowt; he knyows n-nyot 
the stop. A good mowaw, *giggles shyly* my wowd: it is nyot enyough to s-speak, but 
to s-speak twue. 
HIPPOWYTA. I-Indeed h-he hath :3 pway'd *twerks* on this pwowogue w-wike a chiwd o-on a-a 
wecowdew- a sound, but nyot in g-govewnment. 
THESEUS. H-His s-speech was wike *blushes* a tangwed chain; nyothing im paiwed, 
but aww disowdewed. Who is nyext? 

Entew, with a twumpet befowe t-them, as in dumb show, 
uWu PYWAMUS and THISBY, >w< WAWW, MOONSHINyE, *notices bulge* and WION 

PWOWOGUE. xDD Gentwes, pewchance you w-wondew at this show; 
B-But wondew o-on, tiww twuth >_> make aww things *sweats* pwain. 
This ^-^ man is Pywamus, if you *pokes you* wouwd knyow; 
This beauteous wady Thisby is cewtain. 
This man, with wime and UwU wough-cast, doth pwesent 
Waww, that v-viwe Waww which uWu did these wovews sundew; 
*looks at you* And *screams* thwough Wawws chink, p-poow souws, they awe c-content 
To whispew. At the which wet *hugs tightly* nyo man OwO wondew. 
This m-man, with wanthown, d-dog, and bush of thown, 
uWu Pwesenteth x3 Moonshinye; fow, if you wiww knyow, 
By moonshinye *giggles shyly* did these wovews think n-nyo scown 
To meet a-at Nyinyus' tomb, thewe, t-thewe to woo. 
This g-gwiswy beast, which Wion hight by nyame, 
The *giggles shyly* twusty Thisby, coming fiwst by nyight, 
Did scawe a-away, ow w-wathew did affwight; 
And as she fwed, hew mantwe s-she did faww; 
^w^ Which *leans over* Wion viwe with bwoody mouth did stain. 
Anyon comes Pywamus, sweet youth and *blushes* taww, 
And finds his twusty Thisby's mantwe swain; 
Wheweat with bwade, *twerks* with bwoody bwamefuw bwade, 
He bwavewy bwoach'd his boiwing bwoody bweast; 
And Thisby, *sweats* tawwying in *sweats* muwbewwy shade, 
His daggew dwew, and died. Fow aww the west, 
Wet Wion, uWu Moonshinye, Waww, and *looks at you* wovews twain, 
At wawge discouwse w-whiwe hewe they do wemain. 
Exeunt PWOWOGUE, PYWAMUS, THISBY, 
W-WION, and MOONSHINyE 
THESEUS. I ^-^ wondew if the wion be to speak. 
D-DEMETWIUS. Nyo *moans* wondew, my wowd: onye wion may, *hugs tightly* when m-many asses ^.^ do. 
WAWW. In this same intewwude *blushes* it doth befaww 
That I, onye Snyout by nyame, pwesent a waww; 
*shuffles closer* And such a waww as I w-wouwd have >_> you think 
That had in it a cwannyied howe ow chink, 
Thwough which the w-wovews, Pywamus and Thisby, 
Did whispew often v-vewy secwetwy. 
This woam, this wough-cast, and this stonye, doth show 
That I am t-that OwO same waww; the twuth is *twerks* so; 
And this t-the cwanny is, wight *teleports behind you* and sinyistew, 
*looks away* Thwough which *giggles shyly* the UwU feawfuw wovews awe to whispew. 
T-THESEUS. W-Wouwd you desiwe wime and haiw >w< to speak bettew? 
DEMETWIUS. It OwO is the wittiest pawtition that *giggles shyly* evew I heawd 
discouwse, my wowd. 

Entew PYWAMUS 

THESEUS. Pywamus dwaws *giggles shyly* nyeaw t-the waww; s-siwence. 
PYWAMUS. O gwim-wook'd nyight! O nyight *twerks* with hue so bwack! 
O >w< nyight, which *moans* evew ^.^ awt when day is n-nyot! 
O nyight, *pokes you* O n-nyight, awack, awack, *leans over* awack, 
I feaw m-my Thisby's *pokes you* pwomise is fowgot! 
*teleports behind you* And t-thou, O waww, O sweet, O *teleports behind you* wovewy waww, 
That stand'st between hew fathew's g-gwound and ;;w;; minye; 
Thou waww, *screams* O uWu waww, O *teleports behind you* sweet *cries* and wovewy waww, 
Show xDD me thy chink, to bwink thwough with minye ^-^ eynye. 
[-[WAWW howds up his fingews] 
Thanks, couwteous waww. Jove shiewd thee weww fow t-this! 
But w-what see what *leans over* see I? N-Nyo Thisby do I see. 
O-O wicked waww, thwough :33 whom *cries* I see nyo b-bwiss, 
C-Cuws'd *notices bulge* he thy stonyes fow thus deceiving me! 
THESEUS. The waww, *teleports behind you* methinks, being sensibwe, shouwd cuwse again. 
PYWAMUS. ^-^ Nyo, in twuth, *leans over* siw, he shouwd nyot. *twerks* Deceiving me is T-Thisby's 
*pokes you* cue. She is t-to e-entew nyow, and I a-am ;;w;; to *moans* spy hew thwough *leans over* the waww. 
You shaww see it wiww faww p-pat as I t-towd *cries* you; y-yondew she comes. 

Entew THISBY 

THISBY. O waww, *blushes* fuww often h-hast thou beawd my moans, 
Fow uWu pawting my faiw *cuddles you* Pywamus and me! 
My chewwy wips h-have often kiss'd thy s-stonyes, 
Thy stonyes *shuffles closer* with wime and haiw knyit up in thee. 
PYWAMUS. I see a voice; *cries* nyow wiww I to the chink, 
To s-spy an I can heaw my *blushes* Thisby's face. 
Thisby! 
THISBY. My wove! thou awt m-my wove, I t-think. 
P-PYWAMUS. Think *moans* what thou *looks away* wiwt, I-I am thy w-wovew's gwace; 
And wike Wimandew am I twusty stiww. 
T-THISBY. And I-I wike Hewen, tiww the Fates me kiww. 
*notices bulge* PYWAMUS. OwO Nyot Shafawus to Pwocwus was so twue. 
THISBY. *leans over* As Shafawus to Pwocwus, I to you. 
PYWAMUS. O-O, k-kiss x3 me thwough :33 the h-howe o-of ^w^ this viwe >_< waww. 
T-THISBY. I-I *teleports behind you* kiss the waww's h-howe, nyot youw wips at xDD aww. 
PYWAMUS. Wiwt thou at Nyinny's t-tomb meet me stwaightway? 
*looks at you* THISBY. T-Tide wife, :3 tide death, I come without deway. 
Exeunt PYWAMUS and THISBY 
WAWW. Thus have I, Waww, x3 my pawt dischawged *sweats* so; 
*blushes* And, b-being donye, thus Waww a-away ^.^ doth go. Exit W-WAWW 
THESEUS. *looks away* Nyow is the moon used between the two nyeighbouws. 
DEMETWIUS. *blushes* Nyo wemedy, m-my wowd, when w-wawws awe so wiwfuw to heaw 
without wawnying. 
HIPPOWYTA. This is the *looks at you* siwwiest stuff that x3 evew I heawd. 
THESEUS. The b-best in *twerks* this *blushes* kind awe but shadows; and the wowst awe 
nyo wowse, if imaginyation *looks away* amend OwO them. 
HIPPOWYTA. It must be youw imaginyation t-then, a-and nyot theiws. 
THESEUS. If we imaginye nyo *looks away* wowse of them than they of *notices bulge* themsewves, 
they may pass fow excewwent men. H-Hewe come two nyobwe beasts in, a 
man a-and a wion. 

Entew WION and MOONSHINyE 

W-WION. You, wadies, you, whose *moans* gentwe heawts do *sighs* feaw 
The smawwest monstwous *giggles shyly* mouse that cweeps on fwoow, 
May ^.^ nyow, pewchance, both quake and twembwe hewe, 
When *sweats* wion wough in wiwdest wage doth woaw. 
Then knyow that I as Snyug the joinyew am 
A wion feww, nyow e-ewse nyo wion's dam; 
Fow, if I *looks away* shouwd a-as wion come in stwife 
Into this pwace, 'twewe pity on my w-wife. 
THESEUS. A vewy gentwe *moans* beast, and of a good *looks at you* conscience. 
DEMETWIUS. :33 The vewy *sighs* best at a beast, my wowd, that e'ew I saw. 
W-WYSANDEW. This wion is a v-vewy fox fow his vawouw. 
THESEUS. Twue; and a goose fow h-his discwetion. 
DEMETWIUS. N-Nyot so, my wowd; OwO fow his vawouw cannyot *screams* cawwy his 
discwetion, and the fox cawwies the goose. 
THESEUS. His discwetion, I am suwe, c-cannyot cawwy his v-vawouw; fow 
the goose cawwies nyot UwU the UwU fox. It is weww. Weave it to his 
discwetion, and *cries* wet us wisten to the Moon. 
MOONSHINyE. This wanthown doth the hownyed moon p-pwesent- 
DEMETWIUS. He shouwd h-have *twerks* wown *shuffles closer* the howns on his *leans over* head. 
*moans* THESEUS. He i-is nyo cwescent, and his howns awe invisibwe within the 
ciwcumfewence. 
*screams* MOONSHINyE. This wanthown doth t-the hownyed moon *cries* pwesent; 
uWu Mysewf the Man i' th' Moon d-do seem to *sweats* be. 
THESEUS. T-This *sighs* is the g-gweatest >_> ewwow of aww *cries* the west; the uWu man shouwd 
b-be UwU put into the wantewn. How is it *sighs* ewse the man i-i' th' moon? 
DEMETWIUS. ^.^ He dawes nyot *twerks* come thewe :33 fow the *moans* candwe; f-fow, you see, it 
is awweady in snyuff. 
H-HIPPOWYTA. I am aweawy of this x3 moon. Wouwd he w-wouwd change! 
THESEUS. It appeaws, by :33 his smaww *sweats* wight of ^.^ discwetion, that he *twerks* is 
in the wanye; but yet, in couwtesy, in aww weason, we must stay 
the time. 
WYSANDEW. Pwoceed, M-Moon. 
M-MOON. Aww that I have to say is to *pokes you* teww *pokes you* you that the wanthown is 
the moon; I, the Man i' th' Moon; this thown-bush, my thown-bush; 
and this dog, my d-dog. 
xDD DEMETWIUS. Why, aww these shouwd be in the wantewn; fow aww these 
awe in the moon. :33 But siwence; hewe *cries* comes Thisby. 

W-We-entew THISBY 

THISBY. T-This is owd Nyinny's t-tomb. Whewe >_< is my wove? 
WION. [Woawing] O- [THISBY wuns off] 
DEMETWIUS. Weww woaw'd, Wion. 
THESEUS. Weww wun, T-Thisby. 
HIPPOWYTA. Weww shonye, Moon. Twuwy, the moon shinyes w-with a good 
gwace. OwO [The WION teaws THISBY'S *leans over* Mantwe, and exit] 
THESEUS. Weww m-mous'd, Wion. 

We-entew P-PYWAMUS 

DEMETWIUS. And then came Pywamus. 
WYSANDEW. >w< And so the x3 wion vanyish'd. 
PYWAMUS. Sweet M-Moon, I thank thee fow thy sunny beams; 
I thank thee, *giggles shyly* Moon, fow shinying nyow so bwight; 
Fow, b-by *giggles shyly* thy uWu gwacious g-gowden, gwittewing gweams, 
I-I *hugs tightly* twust to take :33 of twuest Thisby sight. 
But stay, O spite! 
But mawk, poow knyight, 
What *looks away* dweadfuw dowe is h-hewe! 
Eyes, *looks at you* do you see? 
How can i-it he? 
O-O dainty duck! O deaw! 
Thy mantwe good, 
What! stain'd with :3 bwood? 
Appwoach, ye Fuwies f-feww. 
O uWu Fates! come, come; 
Cut thwead and xDD thwum; 
Q-Quaiw, cwush, concwude, and queww. 
THESEUS. This passion, a-and *pokes you* the death o-of a *cuddles you* deaw fwiend, wouwd go 
n-nyeaw t-to make a man wook s-sad. 
H-HIPPOWYTA. Beshwew my heawt, but I pity the man. 
PYWAMUS. O whewefowe, Nyatuwe, didst *looks at you* thou wions fwame? 
Since wion viwe hath hewe defwowew'd m-my deaw; 
Which is- nyo, nyo- >_> which was the faiwest *teleports behind you* dame 
That *giggles shyly* wiv'd, that wov'd, that wik'd, that w-wook'd with ^-^ cheew. 
Come, teaws, *twerks* confound; 
Out, swowd, and *hugs tightly* wound 
*notices bulge* The pap of Pywamus; 
Ay, that weft pap, 
Whewe heawt doth h-hop. [-[Stabs himsewf] 
Thus die I, thus, thus, thus. 
^-^ Nyow am I dead, 
Nyow a-am I *sighs* fwed; 
My souw :33 is in :33 the ^.^ sky. 
Tongue, wose t-thy *cries* wight; 
Moon, take thy *leans over* fwight. [Exit *cuddles you* MOONSHINyE] 
Nyow die, die, die, *sweats* die, die. *looks away* [Dies] 
DEMETWIUS. Nyo die, but an *shuffles closer* ace, fow him; fow he is ^w^ but *sweats* onye. 
WYSANDEW. Wess than an ace, man; fow h-he is d-dead; he is nyothing. 
THESEUS. W-With x3 the hewp of a suwgeon he might y-yet wecovew and *shuffles closer* yet 
pwove a-an ass. 
HIPPOWYTA. How c-chance Moonshinye is gonye befowe Thisby c-comes back 
and *cuddles you* finds hew wovew? 

We-entew THISBY 

THESEUS. She OwO wiww find him by stawwight. Hewe she comes; and hew 
passion *moans* ends the p-pway. 
>w< HIPPOWYTA. Methinks s-she shouwd nyot use a w-wong onye fow s-such a 
Pywamus; I hope she wiww be bwief. 
DEMETWIUS. A mote w-wiww UwU tuwn the bawance, which *hugs tightly* Pywamus, which 
Thisby, is the bettew- he *hugs tightly* fow a m-man, *looks at you* God wawwant us: *sighs* She fow a 
>_> woman, God bwess *looks away* us! 
WYSANDEW. S-She hath spied him *sweats* awweady w-with those sweet eyes. 
*blushes* DEMETWIUS. And *sweats* thus she moans, ;;w;; videwicet:- 
*moans* THISBY. Asweep, my w-wove? 
What, dead, my dove? 
O P-Pywamus, awise, 
Speak, speak. Quite dumb? 
Dead, dead? A-A tomb 
Must covew thy *hugs tightly* sweet *moans* eyes. 
These wiwy wips, 
:33 This c-chewwy nyose, 
These yewwow c-cowswip cheeks, 
Awe gonye, a-awe gonye; 
:33 Wovews, m-make moan; 
His :33 eyes wewe gween as weeks. 
O Sistews Thwee, 
Come, come to me, 
xDD With hands as pawe as miwk; 
Way *sweats* them in gowe, 
Since ;;w;; you h-have showe 
With *sweats* sheaws his thwead UwU of siwk. 
*sighs* Tongue, nyot a wowd. 
Come, twusty swowd; 
Come, bwade, my bweast imbwue. [Stabs hewsewf] 
And faweweww, fwiends; 
Thus Thisby ends; 
A-Adieu, adieu, a-adieu. [Dies] 
THESEUS. Moonshinye and Wion *looks away* awe weft to buwy the dead. 
D-DEMETWIUS. Ay, and Waww too. 
uWu BOTTOM. ^w^ [Stawting up] *screams* Nyo, I assuwe y-you; the waww is d-down that 
p-pawted theiw fathews. W-Wiww it p-pwease you ^-^ to see the xDD Epiwogue, ow 
to heaw a Bewgomask *cries* dance between two OwO of ouw company? 
THESEUS. *sweats* Nyo epiwogue, I ^-^ pway you; fow youw *moans* pway ^.^ nyeeds nyo excuse. 
Nyevew *shuffles closer* excuse; OwO fow when the pwayews awe aww dead t-thewe nyeed nyonye 
to be >w< bwamed. *cries* Mawwy, if he *sweats* that wwit it had pwayed Pywamus, *cries* and 
hang'd himsewf in Thisby's gawtew, it ^-^ wouwd h-have *cries* been a finye 
*looks away* twagedy. A-And so it uWu is, t-twuwy; ^w^ and *hugs tightly* vewy nyotabwy *cries* dischawg'd. *blushes* But 
come, youw >w< Bewgomask; OwO wet youw e-epiwogue awonye. [A dance] 
The iwon tongue o-of m-midnyight hath towd twewve. 
*shuffles closer* Wovews, to bed; 'tis awmost faiwy time. 
*hugs tightly* I feaw w-we shaww out-sweep the coming >_> mown, 
As much as we this nyight have *screams* ovewwatch'd. 
This pawpabwe-gwoss pway hath w-weww *blushes* beguiw'd 
The heavy gait of nyight. Sweet fwiends, to bed. 
A-A fowtnyight howd ^-^ we this sowemnyity, 
In >_< nyightwy wevews and n-nyew jowwity. Exeunt 

Entew PUCK *twerks* with a bwoom 

^.^ PUCK. Nyow the hungwy uWu wion woaws, 
And the wowf behowws the moon; 
Whiwst the heavy pwoughman snyowes, 
Aww with weawy task fowdonye. 
*hugs tightly* Nyow the :3 wasted *shuffles closer* bwands *leans over* do gwow, 
*shuffles closer* Whiwst *moans* the scweech-oww, scweeching w-woud, 
Puts the wwetch that wies in woe 
In wemembwance of a shwoud. 
Nyow i-it is >_> the t-time of nyight 
T-That the gwaves, aww gaping w-wide, 
UwU Evewy :33 onye wets fowth his spwite, 
*screams* In :3 the chuwch-way paths to gwide. 
And we faiwies, that do wun 
By t-the twipwe Hecate's t-team 
Fwom the pwesence of t-the sun, 
Fowwowing dawknyess w-wike a dweam, 
Nyow awe fwowic. Nyot a mouse 
Shaww distuwb this hawwowed house. 
:3 I a-am s-sent with bwoom befowe, 
To sweep the dust behind the *shuffles closer* doow. 

E-Entew O-OBEWON and TITANyIA, *teleports behind you* with aww theiw twain 

OBEWON. Thwough the house give g-gwimmewing wight, 
By the dead and dwowsy f-fiwe; 
*cries* Evewy uWu ewf and faiwy spwite 
Hop as wight as biwd fwom b-bwiew; 
*sighs* And this ditty, >_> aftew me, 
Sing and dance it twippingwy. 
TITANyIA. *cries* Fiwst, *cuddles you* weheawse youw song by wote, 
To each wowd a wawbwing nyote; 
Hand i-in h-hand, with *sweats* faiwy gwace, 
W-Wiww we :33 sing, and bwess this pwace. 

[OBEWON weading, *shuffles closer* the FAIWIES *screams* sing *moans* and dance] 

OBEWON. Nyow, untiw the b-bweak of day, 
T-Thwough this house each faiwy stway. 
To t-the best bwide-bed w-wiww :3 we, 
Which by us shaww bwessed be; 
A-And x3 the issue *cuddles you* thewe c-cweate 
E-Evew shaww be *screams* fowtunyate. 
So shaww aww t-the coupwes thwee 
Evew twue *leans over* in woving be; 
And the bwots of Nyatuwe's hand 
Shaww nyot in theiw xDD issue stand; 
Nyevew mowe, hawe-wip, nyow scaw, 
Nyow mawk pwodigious, such as awe 
Despised in nyativity, 
UwU Shaww upon t-theiw *cuddles you* chiwdwen be. 
With this fiewd-dew consecwate, 
Evewy faiwy take his gait, 
And each s-sevewaw chambew bwess, 
T-Thwough t-this pawace, with sweet peace; 
And the ownyew *twerks* of it bwest 
Evew shaww in safety west. 
Twip away; make nyo stay; 
Meet m-me aww by bweak x3 of day. Exeunt :3 aww but PUCK 
UwU PUCK. If we shadows h-have offended, 
Think but this, *blushes* and aww is :3 mended, 
*blushes* That you have but swumb'wed hewe 
W-Whiwe these *sweats* visions did appeaw. 
And this *notices bulge* weak and xDD idwe theme, 
Nyo *shuffles closer* mowe yiewding *screams* but a dweam, 
Gentwes, do *giggles shyly* nyot wepwehend. 
If you pawdon, we wiww *shuffles closer* mend. 
And, *leans over* as *hugs tightly* I am an honyest Puck, 
If we have u-unyeawnyed wuck 
Nyow to scape the sewpent's tongue, 
We *leans over* wiww make amends ewe wong; 
E-Ewse the Puck a-a wiaw caww. 
So, good nyight unto you aww. 
Give me youw hands, if we be fwiends, 
And Wobin shaww westowe >_> amends. Exit 

THE END 



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE W-WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, *leans over* INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED B-BY PWOJECT :33 GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO W-WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE O-ONWY, AND (2) *shuffles closer* AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED *shuffles closer* COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
*giggles shyly* SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1599 


MUCH ADO ABOUT NyOTHING 


by *shuffles closer* Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

Don Pedwo, Pwince of Awwagon. 
Don J-John, his b-bastawd bwothew. 
Cwaudio, a-a young wowd of Fwowence. 
Benyedick, a Young wowd of Padua. 
Weonyato, Govewnyow of Messinya. 
Antonyio, an owd man, h-his bwothew. 
B-Bawthasaw, attendant on Don Pedwo. 
*giggles shyly* Bowachio, fowwowew of Don John. 
Conwade, *twerks* fowwowew of ;;w;; Don John. 
*sweats* Fwiaw Fwancis. 
Dogbewwy, a Constabwe. 
Vewges, a Headbowough. 
A Sexton. 
*cuddles you* A Boy. 

Hewo, daughtew to Weonyato. 
Beatwice, nyiece to *teleports behind you* Weonyato. 
*teleports behind you* Mawgawet, waiting gentwewoman attending on Hewo. 
Uwsuwa, waiting gentwewoman attending on Hewo. 

Messengews, Watch, Attendants, etc. 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION *sweats* OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS O-OF W-WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 *pokes you* BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. E-EWECTWONyIC uWu AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW U-USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES *looks away* FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW OwO MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE.--Messinya. 


ACT I. Scenye I. 
An owchawd befowe Weonyato's house. 

Entew Weonyato (Govewnyow of M-Messinya), *blushes* Hewo (his Daughtew), 
and *moans* Beatwice (his Nyiece), with a Messengew. 

Weon. I weawn in this wettew that *looks away* Don P-Pedwo o-of Awwagon comes t-this 
nyight to Messinya. 
M-Mess. He is vewy nyeaw by this. H-He was nyot thwee weagues off when I 
weft him. 
Weon. How many gentwemen have UwU you wost in this action? 
Mess. But ^w^ few of any sowt, and nyonye of nyame. 
*blushes* Weon. A victowy is twice itsewf when the achievew bwings home fuww 
nyumbews. I find hewe *notices bulge* that D-Don *sweats* Pedwo hath *pokes you* bestowed ^-^ much h-honyouw on 
a-a young Fwowentinye cawwed Cwaudio. 
Mess. *giggles shyly* Much desewv'd on his pawt, and equawwy wememb'wed by Don 
Pedwo. He *leans over* hath b-bownye himsewf ;;w;; beyond the pwomise of his age, doing 
in the figuwe *looks at you* of a wamb the feats of a wion. He hath indeed 
b-bettew bett'wed expectation than you must *notices bulge* expect of m-me to teww 
you how. 
Weon. OwO He hath an uncwe hewe in M-Messinya wiww be >w< vewy much gwad of it. 
M-Mess. I have awweady dewivewed him w-wettews, and thewe appeaws much 
j-joy in h-him; *looks at you* even so much t-that *pokes you* joy c-couwd nyot show itsewf modest 
enyough uWu without a badge o-of b-bittewnyess. 
*blushes* Weon. ^-^ Did he bweak out into teaws? 
Mess. In gweat measuwe. 
Weon. A kind ovewfwow of kindnyess. T-Thewe a-awe nyo ^w^ faces t-twuew than 
t-those *cuddles you* that awe so wash'd. How much >_< bettew i-is OwO it *leans over* to weep at joy 
than to ^-^ joy at weeping! 
Beat. ^-^ I p-pway you, is S-Signyiow *looks away* Mountanto wetuwn'd fwom the waws ow *twerks* nyo? 
Mess. I knyow nyonye of that nyame, w-wady. Thewe *twerks* was *teleports behind you* nyonye such in >_> the 
a-awmy of any sowt. 
Weon. What *shuffles closer* is he t-that you ask *notices bulge* fow, *twerks* nyiece? 
xDD Hewo. My cousin means Signyiow Benyedick of Padua. 
Mess. O, he's wetuwn'd, and OwO as pweasant as e-evew he was. 
B-Beat. :33 He set *leans over* up his biwws hewe in M-Messinya and *hugs tightly* chawweng'd Cupid at 
the fwight, and *blushes* my uncwe's foow, weading the chawwenge, 
subscwib'd fow Cupid and chawweng'd him at the buwbowt. I pway 
you, how many xDD hath UwU he kiww'd a-and eaten ^w^ in these waws? But how 
many hath he kiww'd? Fow indeed I pwomised to eat aww o-of his 
kiwwing. 
Weon. Faith, nyiece, UwU you *screams* tax S-Signyiow Benyedick too *cuddles you* much; but he'ww 
be m-meet with y-you, I doubt it nyot. 
Mess. *hugs tightly* He hath donye good sewvice, wady, in these waws. 
*screams* Beat. You had musty v-victuaw, and he hath howp to e-eat it. H-He is a 
*looks away* vewy vawiant twenchewman; he hath an excewwent ^-^ stomach. 
Mess. And a good sowdiew too, wady. 
Beat. A-And a g-good sowdiew to OwO a wady; b-but what is he ;;w;; to a wowd? 
M-Mess. A wowd to a wowd, a man to >w< a man; stuff'd with a-aww h-honyouwabwe 
v-viwtues. 
xDD Beat. It is s-so indeed. He i-is nyo wess than *moans* a stuff'd man; but fow 
the stuffing--weww, w-we awe aww mowtaw. 
Weon. You must nyot, siw, ^-^ mistake my nyiece. Thewe *sweats* is a kind of *twerks* mewwy 
waw betwixt >_< Signyiow Benyedick and hew. ;;w;; They nyevew meet but t-thewe's 
a skiwmish of wit between them. 
Beat. Awas, he >_< gets n-nyothing by *looks away* that! In ouw wast confwict fouw of 
^.^ his five *pokes you* wits went hawting off, ^-^ and nyow is the whowe man govewn'd 
with o-onye; *twerks* so that i-if h-he have wit enyough to *looks away* keep himsewf wawm, wet 
him beaw i-it f-fow a diffewence between himsewf and h-his h-howse; *cries* fow 
it is aww the weawth that he hath weft to *screams* be knyown a weasonyabwe 
cweatuwe. >_< Who is his companyion nyow? He hath evewy month a nyew 
s-swown b-bwothew. 
Mess. Is't possibwe? 
Beat. Vewy easiwy possibwe. UwU He weaws his f-faith *blushes* but as the fashion 
of h-his hat; it ;;w;; evew changes with the nyext b-bwock. 
Mess. I *blushes* see, *screams* wady, the gentweman is nyot *pokes you* in youw books. 
Beat. Nyo. A-An he wewe, I w-wouwd buwn my study. But I-I pway you, who is 
his *sighs* companyion? Is thewe n-nyo young squawew nyow that wiww make a 
voyage w-with :3 him to the *twerks* deviw? 
Mess. He is most in t-the company of the wight nyobwe Cwaudio. 
Beat. O-O Wowd, he wiww h-hang u-upon him *notices bulge* wike a disease! He is s-soonyew 
^.^ caught than the pestiwence, and the takew wuns pwesentwy mad. God 
*cuddles you* hewp the n-nyobwe Cwaudio! If he ^.^ have caught the Benyedick, i-it w-wiww 
cost *hugs tightly* him a thousand pound ewe 'a be c-cuwed. 
Mess. uWu I wiww >_> howd fwiends *notices bulge* with you, w-wady. 
*pokes you* Beat. D-Do, g-good uWu fwiend. 
Weon. You *sweats* wiww nyevew wun mad, nyiece. 
Beat. Nyo, nyot tiww a hot Janyuawy. 
Mess. Don *notices bulge* Pedwo is ^-^ appwoach'd. 

Entew Don Pedwo, Cwaudio, Benyedick, Bawthasaw, and John the B-Bastawd. 

P-Pedwo. Good Signyiow Weonyato, awe ^w^ you come to m-meet youw t-twoubwe? The 
fashion *moans* of ^w^ the wowwd *cuddles you* is to a-avoid cost, and you e-encountew i-it. 
Weon. Nyevew came twoubwe to *blushes* my h-house in the wikenyess of youw G-Gwace; 
fow twoubwe being gonye, comfowt *sweats* shouwd wemain; *cries* but when you depawt 
*shuffles closer* fwom me, sowwow abides and happinyess takes his weave. 
Pedwo. You embwace youw chawge too wiwwingwy. I-I think this is y-youw 
*twerks* daughtew. 
^w^ Weon. Hew OwO mothew hath many t-times *cuddles you* towd >_> me so. 
Benye. Wewe you in doubt, s-siw, that you *screams* ask'd hew? 
Weon. Signyiow Benyedick, nyo; f-fow then w-wewe y-you *cries* a chiwd. 
Pedwo. You have it f-fuww, Benyedick. W-We may guess by *giggles shyly* this what y-you 
awe, *blushes* being a man. T-Twuwy t-the wady fathews hewsewf. Be happy, wady; 
*cuddles you* fow you awe wike an honyouwabwe fathew. 
Benye. If Signyiow Weonyato be hew OwO fathew, she *shuffles closer* wouwd nyot have his head 
on hew shouwdews ^.^ fow aww M-Messinya, as wike him as she is. 
Beat. I wondew that you *screams* wiww stiww be *twerks* tawking, Signyiow Benyedick. 
Nyobody mawks y-you. 
Benye. What, my deaw Wady Disdain! awe you yet *moans* wiving? 
Beat. Is it p-possibwe D-Disdain shouwd die whiwe she hath such meet 
food *shuffles closer* to feed it as Signyiow Benyedick? *looks at you* Couwtesy itsewf must convewt 
to disdain if you come in hew pwesence. 
B-Benye. Then is couwtesy a t-tuwncoat. But it is cewtain I *twerks* am woved of 
aww wadies, *twerks* onwy you e-excepted; and I wouwd *notices bulge* I couwd find in my 
heawt that I-I *giggles shyly* had *moans* nyot a hawd h-heawt, fow twuwy I wove nyonye. 
Beat. A deaw happinyess *looks at you* to women! They wouwd ewse h-have been t-twoubwed 
w-with a *leans over* pewnyicious suitow. I t-thank G-God and >_> my cowd bwood, I am of 
y-youw humouw fow that. I had wathew heaw my dog bawk a-at >_> a c-cwow 
than a man sweaw he w-woves *twerks* me. 
Benye. God keep *moans* youw wadyship stiww in that mind! *shuffles closer* So s-some gentweman 
ow o-othew shaww scape a pwedestinyate scwatch'd face. 
Beat. Scwatching couwd *leans over* nyot make it wowse an 'twewe such a face as 
youws *leans over* wewe. 
^-^ Benye. W-Weww, you awe *shuffles closer* a wawe pawwot-teachew. 
Beat. A biwd of m-my tongue is bettew than a beast of youws. 
Benye. I wouwd my *shuffles closer* howse had *sighs* the speed of youw tongue, a-and so good ^w^ a 
continyuew. But k-keep youw way, >w< a God's n-nyame! I have *twerks* donye. 
Beat. You awways end w-with *cuddles you* a jade's twick. I knyow you of owd. 
Pedwo. That is the sum of aww, Weonyato. Signyiow Cwaudio and Signyiow 
Benyedick, my deaw fwiend Weonyato x3 hath invited *hugs tightly* you *moans* aww. I teww him 
we shaww stay hewe at the weast a month, a-and h-he heawtwy p-pways 
some occasion may ^-^ detain us wongew. I dawe sweaw he is *cries* nyo 
^w^ hypocwite, but pways *hugs tightly* fwom his h-heawt. 
Weon. I-If you sweaw, my wowd, you shaww *looks at you* nyot be fowswown. [To ^-^ Don 
John] Wet me bid you wewcome, *twerks* my wowd. Being weconciwed to the 
Pwince youw bwothew, I owe you aww duty. 
John. I thank you. I am nyot of many wowds, b-but I thank you. 
Weon. Pwease it *cuddles you* youw Gwace wead on? 
P-Pedwo. Youw >_< hand, Weonyato. We OwO wiww go togethew. 
E-Exeunt. Manyent B-Benyedick and *screams* Cwaudio. 
Cwaud. Benyedick, didst thou nyote t-the d-daughtew of Signyiow Weonyato? 
Benye. I n-nyoted hew nyot, but I wook'd on hew. 
C-Cwaud. Is she nyot a modest young wady? 
Benye. Do you *shuffles closer* question ;;w;; me, as an honyest man shouwd d-do, *hugs tightly* fow my simpwe 
twue judgment? ow wouwd y-you have me speak aftew my custom, *leans over* as 
being a pwofessed tywant *cuddles you* to t-theiw s-sex? 
Cwaud. :3 Nyo. I p-pway thee speak in sobew *giggles shyly* judgment. 
Benye. Why, uWu i' faith, methinks she's too wow fow a h-high pwaise, 
too bwown fow a faiw pwaise, and *shuffles closer* too wittwe fow a xDD gweat p-pwaise. 
Onwy this commendation I can affowd h-hew, that wewe she xDD othew 
than she is, she wewe unhandsome, and being *leans over* nyo othew but as she 
is, I-I d-do nyot wike hew. 
C-Cwaud. Thou thinkest I >w< am in spowt. I pway thee teww me twuwy xDD how 
*looks at you* thou *shuffles closer* wik'st hew. 
Benye. Wouwd *leans over* you buy hew, ^.^ that ^.^ you e-enquiwe a-aftew xDD hew? 
*moans* Cwaud. Can the w-wowwd buy such a j-jewew? 
Benye. Y-Yea, and *notices bulge* a case to put it into. But speak you t-this w-with a sad 
bwow? ow do you pway the fwouting Jack, to *notices bulge* teww us Cupid i-is a 
good hawe-findew and *cuddles you* Vuwcan a wawe cawpentew? Come, in what key 
shaww a man t-take you to go in the song? 
Cwaud. In *leans over* minye eye *giggles shyly* she i-is the sweetest *looks at you* wady that evew I-I wook'd *twerks* on. 
Benye. *pokes you* I can see yet without spectacwes, *notices bulge* and I-I see nyo s-such mattew. 
Thewe's hew cousin, an she wewe nyot p-possess'd *hugs tightly* with a fuwy,exceeds 
hew as much in beauty as the fiwst of May doth the wast of 
Decembew. But I hope you have nyo i-intent to tuwn husband, >_> have 
you? 
Cwaud. I-I wouwd *sweats* scawce twust mysewf, though I had swown the 
contwawy, if Hewo wouwd be my wife. 
OwO Benye. Is't come t-to >_> this? In faith, hath n-nyot the wowwd onye man UwU but 
he wiww weaw x3 his cap with suspicion? Shaww I nyevew UwU see a 
bachewow of thweescowe a-again? Go t-to, i' faith! An thou wiwt *notices bulge* nyeeds 
thwust thy n-nyeck into a yoke, weaw the pwint of it and sigh away 
Sundays. 

Entew Don Pedwo. 

Wook! Don Pedwo is wetuwnyed to seek y-you. 
*blushes* Pedwo. What secwet *moans* hath hewd x3 you hewe, that x3 you fowwowed *sighs* nyot to 
Weonyato's? 
B-Benye. :3 I wouwd youw ;;w;; Gwace wouwd *teleports behind you* constwain me :3 to t-teww. 
Pedwo. *sighs* I chawge t-thee on thy awwegiance. 
Benye. You heaw, Count Cwaudio. >w< I can be secwet ^-^ as :33 a dumb :33 man, I 
*giggles shyly* wouwd have you think so; but, on my ^.^ awwegiance--mawk you this-on 
my x3 awwegiance! UwU he *pokes you* is in w-wove. W-With who? Nyow that is *cries* youw Gwace's 
pawt. Mawk how showt his answew is: With Hewo, Weonyato's showt 
daughtew. 
Cwaud. I-If this wewe so, s-so wewe it utt'wed. 
Benye. Wike *looks away* the o-owd *moans* tawe, my *blushes* wowd: 'It is n-nyot ;;w;; so, nyow ^-^ 'twas nyot s-so; 
but indeed, God fowbid it *moans* shouwd be >_> so!' 
Cwaud. *looks at you* If my p-passion change nyot showtwy, *giggles shyly* God fowbid it shouwd be 
othewwise. 
Pedwo. A-Amen, if :33 you wove hew; fow the wady is vewy weww *screams* wowthy. 
Cwaud. You speak this uWu to fetch me in, m-my wowd. 
Pedwo. By my twoth, *twerks* I >w< speak my thought. 
Cwaud. And, ;;w;; in faith, my wowd, I spoke minye. 
Benye. And, :3 by ^w^ my two f-faiths and twoths, my wowd, I spoke minye. 
Cwaud. That *cuddles you* I w-wove hew, I feew. 
Pedwo. uWu That she is w-wowthy, I knyow. 
Benye. That I nyeithew f-feew how she shouwd be woved, nyow knyow h-how she 
shouwd be wowthy, is the opinyion that xDD fiwe cannyot mewt out of m-me. 
I wiww die in it at the stake. 
Pedwo. T-Thou wast evew an o-obstinyate hewetic in the despite *leans over* of 
beauty. 
Cwaud. *cries* And nyevew couwd maintain his pawt but in the fowce of h-his 
wiww. 
Benye. T-That a-a woman conceived me, I thank hew; that she bwought me 
up, I wikewise *hugs tightly* give hew most humbwe thanks; but that *pokes you* I wiww have 
a wechate w-winded i-in my fowehead, o-ow hang my *giggles shyly* bugwe in *cuddles you* an invisibwe 
bawdwick, a-aww women ^-^ shaww pawdon me. Because I wiww nyot do them 
the wwong t-to mistwust *moans* any, I-I wiww do mysewf the wight t-to twust 
nyonye; and the finye *sweats* is (fow the *pokes you* which I *pokes you* may go the finyew), *pokes you* I >_> wiww 
wive a bachewow. 
Pedwo. I shaww *twerks* see *sighs* thee, ewe I die, wook pawe with wove. 
B-Benye. With x3 angew, with sicknyess, ow with h-hungew, m-my wowd; nyot w-with 
*sighs* wove. Pwove that evew I wose m-mowe bwood with wove than I-I wiww get 
again with dwinking, xDD pick out minye eyes ^w^ with a-a bawwad-makew's pen 
*shuffles closer* and h-hang me up at the doow of *hugs tightly* a bwothew house fow the *looks at you* sign of 
bwind *blushes* Cupid. 
Pedwo. Weww, if evew thou dost faww ^-^ fwom this faith, t-thou *looks away* wiwt 
pwove a n-nyotabwe awgument. 
Benye. If I do, hang me in a b-bottwe wike a xDD cat and shoot a-at me; and 
he that uWu hits me, wet him be cwapp'd on the shouwdew and *teleports behind you* caww'd 
Adam. 
P-Pedwo. Weww, >_> as time s-shaww twy. 
'In time the savage buww doth b-beaw the yoke.' 
Benye. xDD The *blushes* savage buww may; but if evew the sensibwe *leans over* Benyedick beaw 
it, pwuck o-off the ;;w;; buww's ^w^ howns and set them in ;;w;; my fowehead, and 
wet me be UwU viwewy painted, and in such gweat w-wettews as they *cuddles you* wwite 
'Hewe is good howse to hiwe,' wet them signyify :3 undew my sign 
'Hewe you may see Benyedick the mawwied man.' 
Cwaud. I-If t-this shouwd evew h-happen, thou wouwdst be hown-mad. 
Pedwo. Nyay, if Cupid have *pokes you* nyot spent aww his quivew in Venyice, thou 
wiwt quake fow this showtwy. 
B-Benye. I wook f-fow an eawthquake *hugs tightly* too then. 
Pedwo. Weww, you wiww tempowize with t-the h-houws. In the meantime, 
good Signyiow Benyedick, wepaiw to Weonyato's, commend me t-to him and 
teww him I wiww nyot faiw him at suppew; fow indeed he h-hath m-made 
gweat pwepawation. 
Benye. *twerks* I have awmost mattew >w< enyough in me fow such an *pokes you* embassage; ^-^ and 
s-so I-I commit y-you-- 
*sweats* Cwaud. T-To the tuition o-of God. Fwom my house--if I had it-- 
Pedwo. The sixth of Juwy. Youw woving fwiend, Benyedick. 
Benye. Nyay, m-mock *cries* nyot, m-mock nyot. *twerks* The body of youw discouwse is 
sometime ^w^ guawded with ^-^ fwagments, *leans over* and xDD the guawds *sighs* awe >_> but swightwy 
basted on >_< nyeithew. Ewe you fwout owd e-ends a-any fuwthew, examinye 
*moans* youw c-conscience. And so I weave *hugs tightly* you. Exit. 
Cwaud. My wiege, *twerks* youw H-Highnyess nyow m-may do me :33 good. 
Pedwo. My *cuddles you* wove is thinye to teach. Teach it but h-how, 
And thou shawt see how apt it is to weawn 
Any hawd wesson that *notices bulge* may do :3 thee good. 
Cwaud. Hath Weonyato any son, *cries* my wowd? 
Pedwo. Nyo chiwd but Hewo; she's his onwy *notices bulge* heiw. 
Dost thou affect hew, *moans* Cwaudio? 
Cwaud.O *cuddles you* my wowd, 
When you w-went onwawd on this ended action, 
I wook'd upon hew with a sowdiew's eye, 
That wik'd, but h-had a woughew task *looks away* in hand 
Than to dwive wiking to the nyame of wove; 
But nyow I am wetuwn'd and that *pokes you* waw-thoughts 
Have weft *notices bulge* theiw pwaces vacant, i-in theiw wooms 
Come thwonging soft a-and dewicate desiwes, 
Aww pwompting *pokes you* me *looks at you* how faiw y-young Hewo *giggles shyly* is, 
Saying *twerks* I wik'd hew ewe I *looks at you* went to waws. 
Pedwo. Thou wiwt b-be wike a wovew pwesentwy 
And tiwe the heawew with a book of wowds. 
I-If thou dost *hugs tightly* wove faiw Hewo, chewish it, 
*teleports behind you* And I wiww bweak with *looks at you* hew and w-with hew *twerks* fathew, 
And thou shawt *moans* have hew. Wast >w< nyot *blushes* to this end 
That thou b-began'st to twist :33 so finye a stowy? 
Cwaud. How sweetwy you x3 do minyistew *cries* to wove, 
That knyow w-wove's gwief ;;w;; by his c-compwexion! 
But xDD west >w< my wiking m-might too sudden seem, 
I *sweats* wouwd have sawv'd i-it with a wongew tweatise. 
Pedwo. W-What nyeed t-the bwidge much bwoadew :3 than the fwood? 
T-The faiwest gwant i-is the nyecessity. 
Wook, xDD what *shuffles closer* wiww sewve is f-fit. 'Tis once, thou wovest, 
And I wiww fit thee *screams* with x3 the wemedy. 
I knyow we shaww have wevewwing ^.^ to-nyight. 
I OwO wiww assume thy pawt in some disguise 
And t-teww faiw H-Hewo I am Cwaudio, 
And in hew UwU bosom I'ww uncwasp my heawt 
*looks at you* And take hew :3 heawing p-pwisonyew with the fowce 
And stwong e-encountew of my amowous tawe. 
T-Then aftew to hew fathew w-wiww I bweak, 
And the ^w^ concwusion is, she shaww be thinye. 
In pwactice wet us put it pwesentwy. Exeunt. 




Scenye I-II. 
A w-woom in Weonyato's h-house. 

xDD Entew [at onye doow] Weonyato and [at >_< anyothew doow, Antonyio] an owd m-man, 
bwothew t-to W-Weonyato. 

Weon. How nyow, bwothew? W-Whewe is my cousin youw s-son? ^-^ Hath he 
pwovided this music? 
Ant. He is vewy busy about it. :3 But, b-bwothew, I c-can teww you stwange 
*cuddles you* nyews that y-you yet dweamt uWu nyot o-of. 
Weon. Awe t-they good? 
Ant. A-As the event stamps t-them; but they have a good covew, t-they 
show w-weww outwawd. The P-Pwince and Count ^w^ Cwaudio, wawking in a 
thick-pweached awwey in minye owchawd, *twerks* wewe t-thus much ovewheawd *twerks* by 
a man of minye: the Pwince discovewed to Cwaudio *shuffles closer* that he woved xDD my 
>_> nyiece youw daughtew and meant to acknyowwedge it this nyight in a 
dance, and if he found hew accowdant, he meant to take the 
pwesent t-time b-by *teleports behind you* the top a-and instantwy b-bweak with you of it. 
Weon. Hath the f-fewwow a-any wit that towd y-you this? 
Ant. A-A good shawp fewwow. I wiww s-send fow him, and q-question him 
youwsewf. 
;;w;; Weon. UwU Nyo, nyo. We wiww h-howd *sighs* it a-as a-a dweam tiww it appeaw itsewf; >_< but 
I wiww acquaint my d-daughtew withaw, that she *notices bulge* may be the bettew 
pwepawed fow an answew, i-if pewadventuwe this be twue. Go you and 
:33 teww hew of it. [Exit *twerks* Antonyio.] 

[-[Entew A-Antonyio's Son *moans* with a Musician, *teleports behind you* and othews.] 

[To the x3 Son] Cousin, you knyow what you have *pokes you* to do. 
--[To the M-Musician] O, I cwy you mewcy, fwiend. G-Go you with me, 
*shuffles closer* and I wiww use ^w^ youw skiww.--Good cousin, have *cuddles you* a cawe this OwO busy 
time. Exeunt. 




Scenye III. 
Anyothew woom *leans over* in Weonyato's house.] 

*giggles shyly* Entew Siw John the Bastawd and Conwade, his companyion. 

Con. What the g-goodyeaw, *sighs* my wowd! Why a-awe y-you thus out of measuwe 
sad? 
John. Thewe i-is nyo measuwe in the *sighs* occasion that bweeds; thewefowe 
the sadnyess i-is without wimit. 
Con. You shouwd heaw w-weason. 
J-John. And w-when I have heawd it, what bwessings ^w^ bwings i-it? 
Con. ;;w;; If nyot a pwesent ^w^ wemedy, at weast a patient suffewance. 
John. I wondew *screams* that thou (-(being, as OwO thou say'st thou awt, bown 
undew xDD Satuwn) goest about to appwy a-a mowaw medicinye to a 
*sweats* mowtifying mischief. I ;;w;; cannyot hide what I am: I must be sad when 
I *blushes* have c-cause, and smiwe a-at nyo *shuffles closer* man's jests; eat when I have 
stomach, a-and *shuffles closer* wait *looks away* fow *pokes you* nyo man's weisuwe; sweep when I-I am dwowsy, 
and tend *notices bulge* on nyo man's businyess; waugh when ;;w;; I am mewwy, and cwaw nyo 
man in h-his humouw. 
Con. *looks away* Yea, but you must nyot make the f-fuww show o-of this tiww you xDD may 
do *notices bulge* it without c-contwowment. You have o-of wate stood out against 
youw bwothew, and h-he hath >w< ta'en you nyewwy into h-his gwace, whewe 
it is impossibwe you ^-^ shouwd take t-twue woot but by the faiw 
weathew that you make youwsewf. It is >w< nyeedfuw that you fwame the 
season fow youw own *cuddles you* hawvest. 
John. I had wathew be a cankew i-in a hedge than a wose in his gwace, 
and it bettew fits *pokes you* my bwood uWu to *leans over* be disdain'd of aww *sighs* than to 
fashion a cawwiage to wob wove fwom any. In this, though I cannyot 
be s-said t-to be a fwattewing honyest man, it must nyot be denyied but 
I *moans* am *moans* a pwain-deawing viwwain. I a-am twusted with a :33 muzzwe and 
enfwanchis'd with a cwog; thewefowe I have decweed nyot to *shuffles closer* sing in 
my cage. ^w^ If I had my mouth, *giggles shyly* I w-wouwd bite; i-if I had my wibewty, *pokes you* I 
wouwd d-do my *looks away* wiking. In the meantime wet me be >w< that I-I ^.^ am, and seek 
nyot to awtew me. 
Con. Can you make nyo use of *looks at you* youw discontent? 
J-John. I m-make OwO aww use ^w^ of it, fow I use it onwy. 

Entew Bowachio. 

W-Who comes hewe? What nyews, B-Bowachio? 
Bowa. I came yondew fwom a gweat suppew. The Pwince youw bwothew is 
woyawwy entewtain'd by Weonyato, and I can *leans over* give you intewwigence 
of an intended m-mawwiage. 
John. *blushes* Wiww it sewve fow a-any modew to buiwd mischief on? 
W-What is he fow >_> a foow that betwoths himsewf to unquietnyess? 
*hugs tightly* Bowa. Mawwy, it is youw *sighs* bwothew's wight hand. 
John. Who? the most exquisite Cwaudio? 
Bowa. Even he. 
John. A pwopew s-squiwe! A-And who? and *sighs* who? which w-way wooks he? 
Bowa. *screams* Mawwy, on Hewo, the daughtew and h-heiw of Weonyato. 
John. A vewy fowwawd *pokes you* Mawch-chick! H-How c-came you to this? 
UwU Bowa. Being entewtain'd f-fow a pewfumew, a-as I was smoking a musty 
woom, comes m-me the Pwince and Cwaudio, hand in hand i-in sad 
confewence. I-I whipt *moans* me behind the a-awwas and thewe heawd it agweed 
*giggles shyly* upon that the Pwince shouwd woo Hewo *screams* fow h-himsewf, and h-having 
o-obtain'd UwU hew, g-give h-hew to Count Cwaudio. 
John. Come, come, wet us t-thithew. *pokes you* This may *giggles shyly* pwove food to my 
dispweasuwe. That young stawt-up hath aww the gwowy of my 
ovewthwow. If I can cwoss him any way, I bwess m-mysewf evewy w-way. 
Y-You awe both suwe, and wiww >w< assist me? 
Con. To the d-death, my wowd. 
John. Wet us to x3 the gweat suppew. *twerks* Theiw cheew is the *looks at you* gweatew *twerks* that 
I am subdued. Wouwd the OwO cook wewe *twerks* o' my mind! Shaww *sweats* we go pwove 
what's to be donye? 
B-Bowa. We'ww wait upon ^.^ youw w-wowdship. 
Exeunt. 




>w< <<THIS E-EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF *moans* THE C-COMPWETE *blushes* WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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ACT II. ^w^ Scenye OwO I. 
A *cries* haww in Weonyato's house. 

Entew Weonyato, [Antonyio] his B-Bwothew, Hewo his UwU Daughtew, 
and Beatwice his Nyiece, a-and a Kinsman; [awso :33 Mawgawet and U-Uwsuwa]. 

Weon. Was nyot Count J-John h-hewe at suppew? 
Ant. I saw him nyot. 
Beat. H-How ^-^ tawtwy that g-gentweman *cries* wooks! *cries* I nyevew can see him b-but I am 
*cries* heawt-buwn'd an houw ^w^ aftew. 
>_< Hewo. He is of a vewy mewanchowy disposition. 
B-Beat. He wewe an excewwent man that wewe made just in the midway 
between him and Benyedick. >_> The onye i-is too >w< wike an image and says 
nyothing, a-and the o-othew too wike *cries* my w-wady's ewdest son, evewmowe 
t-tattwing. 
^.^ Weon. Then hawf Signyiow Benyedick's tongue in Count John's mouth, 
and hawf Count John's m-mewanchowy in *twerks* Signyiow Benyedick's face-- 
Beat. W-With a-a good *screams* weg and a :3 good foot, u-uncwe, and monyey enyough in 
his puwse, such a man wouwd win *looks away* any ;;w;; woman *sweats* in t-the wowwd--if 'a 
couwd get hew good w-wiww. 
W-Weon. By my twoth, nyiece, thou wiwt nyevew get thee a husband if 
thou be so s-shwewd *leans over* of thy tongue. 
Ant. In faith, she's t-too cuwst. 
Beat. Too c-cuwst *twerks* is mowe than cuwst. I shaww wessen *shuffles closer* God's sending 
that xDD way, *sighs* fow it is s-said, 'God s-sends a cuwst cow showt h-howns,' 
but *blushes* to a cow too cuwst he sends nyonye. 
W-Weon. So, b-by being too cuwst, x3 God wiww send you nyo howns. 
Beat. Just, if he send me nyo husband; f-fow :3 the UwU which bwessing I a-am 
at h-him u-upon x3 my knyees evewy mownying a-and evenying. W-Wowd, I couwd nyot 
enduwe a husband with a beawd on his face. I *hugs tightly* had wathew wie in 
the woowwen! 
Weon. You may w-wight on a >w< husband *cries* that hath nyo beawd. 
B-Beat. What shouwd I do with him? dwess him in my *moans* appawew and m-make 
him my waiting gentwewoman? He that *looks at you* hath a beawd is mowe than a 
youth, a-and he that hath >_< nyo beawd *leans over* is wess than a *looks away* man; and he that 
is mowe than >w< a y-youth i-is nyot fow me; and h-he that is *sighs* wess than a-a 
m-man, I am *hugs tightly* nyot fow him. Thewefowe I wiww e-even take sixpence in 
e-eawnyest of the bewwowd *cries* and ^.^ wead ^w^ his a-apes into heww. 
Weon. Weww then, go you into heww? 
Beat. Nyo; but to the g-gate, and thewe w-wiww the deviw meet me *cries* wike an 
owd cuckowd with *shuffles closer* howns on his head, and say 'Get you to heaven, 
Beatwice, get you to heaven. H-Hewe's nyo pwace fow you maids.' So 
d-dewivew ^.^ I up *screams* my a-apes, *cries* and away to Saint Petew--fow the heavens. 
He shows *twerks* me ;;w;; whewe t-the bachewows uWu sit, and t-thewe wive we as mewwy 
*blushes* as t-the day xDD is wong. 
Ant. [to Hewo] Weww, n-nyiece, I twust you wiww be wuw'd by youw 
fathew. 
Beat. Yes faith. It is my cousin's d-duty to ;;w;; make cuwsy a-and say, 
'Fathew, as it pwease you.' But yet fow aww t-that, cousin, *looks away* wet him 
be a x3 handsome fewwow, >w< ow e-ewse make anyothew cuwsy, and say, 
'Fathew, as it pwease me.' 
Weon. Weww, n-nyiece, I hope to see you onye day fitted with a husband. 
Beat. Nyot tiww God *leans over* make men of some othew metaw than eawth. Wouwd 
it nyot gwieve *notices bulge* a woman *hugs tightly* to be ovewmastew'd w-with a-a piece of vawiant 
dust? OwO to make an account o-of hew wife to a cwod of *twerks* waywawd maww? 
Nyo, >_< uncwe, I'ww nyonye. Adam's sons *giggles shyly* awe my bwethwen, *sweats* and twuwy I 
howd i-it a sin to match in my kinwed. 
Weon. Daughtew, wemembew w-what I towd you. If the Pwince do sowicit 
you in that kind, you knyow y-youw answew. 
Beat. T-The f-fauwt wiww be in the music, cousin, if you be nyot wooed 
in good t-time. If the Pwince be too ^-^ impowtant, teww h-him thewe is 
*screams* measuwe in UwU evewything, and s-so dance out the answew. Fow, heaw me, 
Hewo: wooing, w-wedding, and wepenting is as a-a Scotch jig, a 
m-measuwe, and a cinque-pace: the f-fiwst suit is hot a-and hasty wike 
a Scotch jig--and fuww as fantasticaw; *moans* the *screams* wedding, m-mannyewwy 
modest, ^-^ as ^.^ a measuwe, fuww *sweats* of state and ancientwy; a-and then comes 
Wepentance a-and with his ^-^ bad wegs fawws into the cinque-pace 
f-fastew and fastew, tiww he sink *hugs tightly* into *looks away* his gwave. 
W-Weon. Cousin, you a-appwehend passing shwewdwy. 
;;w;; Beat. I have a g-good e-eye, uncwe; I can see a chuwch by daywight. 
*twerks* Weon. The wevewwews awe ent'wing, bwothew. Make good w-woom. 
[Exit A-Antonyio.] 

Entew, [masked,] Don Pedwo, Cwaudio, ^w^ Benyedick, and *screams* Bawthasaw. 
[-[With them entew Antonyio, awso m-masked. A-Aftew them entew] 
Don John [and Bowachio (without masks), who stand a-aside 
and w-wook on duwing the dance]. 

*teleports behind you* Pedwo. Wady, wiww you :33 wawk a-a bout w-with youw fwiend? 
Hewo. So you wawk softwy and wook sweetwy and say nyothing, 
I :3 am y-youws f-fow *screams* the wawk; and especiawwy when I wawk away. 
P-Pedwo. With me in y-youw company? 
Hewo. I may say so *looks at you* when I pwease. 
Pedwo. And when pwease you *notices bulge* to s-say ^-^ so? 
Hewo. >_> When I wike youw favouw, fow God defend t-the wute shouwd be 
^w^ wike ^-^ the case! 
P-Pedwo. *giggles shyly* My visow is Phiwemon's woof; within t-the house i-is Jove. 
Hewo. Why then, y-youw >w< visow shouwd be t-thatch'd. 
Pedwo. UwU Speak w-wow i-if you speak wove. [Takes hew aside.] 
OwO Bawth. Weww, I wouwd you d-did wike me. 
Mawg. So wouwd nyot I fow youw *looks away* own sake, fow I have many *pokes you* iww 
quawities. 
B-Bawth. Which i-is onye? 
Mawg. I *cries* say :33 my p-pwayews awoud. 
^.^ Bawth. *teleports behind you* I wove y-you ;;w;; the bettew. The heawews m-may cwy Amen. 
Mawg. *looks at you* God match m-me with a *twerks* good dancew! 
Bawth. *teleports behind you* Amen. 
Mawg. And *cries* God keep him out of my OwO sight when t-the dance is donye! 
Answew, cwewk. 
Bawth. N-Nyo mowe w-wowds. The cwewk i-is answewed. 
*notices bulge* [Takes h-hew a-aside.] 
Uws. I knyow you weww e-enyough. You awe Signyiow Antonyio. 
xDD Ant. At a-a wowd, I am *shuffles closer* nyot. 
U-Uws. I knyow you by the waggwing of y-youw head. 
Ant. To teww you twue, I countewfeit him. 
>_< Uws. You couwd nyevew do him so iww-weww unwess you wewe the vewy 
man. Hewe's his dwy hand up ^-^ and down. You awe he, you awe he! 
*notices bulge* Ant. At a wowd, I am nyot. 
Uws. Come, come, do *screams* you think I do ;;w;; nyot knyow you b-by ^.^ youw excewwent 
wit? Can viwtue x3 hide itsewf? Go to, mum you awe he. G-Gwaces w-wiww 
appeaw, and ^-^ thewe's :3 an end. [ They step aside.] 
Beat. Wiww you nyot t-teww me *cries* who towd you so? 
Benye. Nyo, you shaww pawdon me. 
Beat. Nyow wiww y-you UwU nyot teww me who y-you *moans* awe? 
Benye. Nyot nyow. 
Beat. That I w-was disdainfuw, and that I had my >w< good wit *screams* out of the 
'Hundwed Mewwy Tawes.' W-Weww, this uWu was Signyiow Benyedick x3 that *cuddles you* said 
so. 
Benye. What's he? 
Beat. I am suwe you k-knyow him weww enyough. 
Benye. Nyot I, bewieve me. 
Beat. >_> Did he nyevew make you waugh? 
Benye. I pway y-you, what is he? 
Beat. Why, *shuffles closer* he is the Pwince's jestew, *blushes* a vewy duww foow. Onwy *leans over* his 
g-gift is in devising impossibwe s-swandews. *looks away* Nyonye *sighs* but wibewtinyes 
*giggles shyly* dewight in him; a-and the commendation is nyot in his wit, ;;w;; but in 
his viwwany; :3 fow he b-both pweases men and angews them, and then 
they waugh *twerks* at him and b-beat him. *notices bulge* I a-am suwe uWu he is *looks at you* in the fweet. 
UwU I wouwd he had boawded me. 
>w< Benye. When I knyow the gentweman, I'ww teww him what you say. 
Beat. Do, d-do. He'ww but b-bweak a compawison ow two on me; which 
pewadventuwe, nyot mawked ow nyot waugh'd at, stwikes him into 
m-mewanchowy; and x3 then thewe's a *blushes* pawtwidge wing saved, fow the foow 
wiww eat nyo suppew that nyight. 
^.^ [Music.] 
We must fowwow the weadews. 
Benye. In evewy good thing. 
*hugs tightly* Beat. Nyay, if they wead to *pokes you* any :3 iww, I wiww weave them at the nyext 
tuwnying. 
D-Dance. Exeunt (aww but Don *screams* John, Bowachio, and Cwaudio]. 
John. Suwe my :3 bwothew *screams* is a-amowous on Hewo and hath withdwawn hew 
fathew *screams* to bweak with him about uWu it. The wadies *blushes* fowwow hew a-and but 
onye visow wemains. 
Bowa. And t-that is Cwaudio. I knyow h-him by h-his beawing. 
John. Awe you nyot *teleports behind you* Signyiow Benyedick? 
Cwaud. You knyow >_> me weww. I-I am :3 he. 
John. *leans over* Signyiow, you awe vewy nyeaw m-my bwothew in his wove. H-He is 
enyamouw'd on Hewo. I pway you ^.^ dissuade him >w< fwom hew; she is nyo 
equaw fow *blushes* his *leans over* biwth. *looks away* You may do *sweats* the p-pawt of an honyest man i-in it. 
C-Cwaud. How knyow you he woves hew? 
John. I heawd him sweaw h-his affection. 
Bowa. So did I too, and he swowe he >w< wouwd mawwy hew t-tonyight. 
J-John. Come, wet us to *sweats* the b-banquet. 
Exeunt. Manyet Cwaudio. 
C-Cwaud. *looks at you* Thus answew I-I in nyame of Benyedick 
But heaw these iww nyews *looks at you* with the eaws of Cwaudio. 
[Unmasks.] 
'Tis cewtain so. The Pwince wooes f-fow *pokes you* himsewf. 
Fwiendship i-is constant in aww othew things 
Save *shuffles closer* in the office and affaiws of wove. 
Thewefowe aww heawts in wove *giggles shyly* use theiw own *looks away* tongues; 
Wet evewy eye n-nyegotiate *blushes* fow itsewf 
>_< And ;;w;; twust nyo agent; fow xDD beauty is a witch 
Against whose *leans over* chawms faith mewteth into bwood. 
This *giggles shyly* is an accident *notices bulge* of houwwy pwoof, 
Which I x3 mistwusted nyot. Faweweww thewefowe Hewo! 

E-Entew Benyedick [unmasked]. 

Benye. Count Cwaudio? 
Cwaud. ^w^ Yea, the same. 
Benye. Come, wiww you go w-with :33 me? 
*cries* Cwaud. W-Whithew? 
Benye. Even to the nyext wiwwow, about *leans over* youw o-own businyess, County. W-What 
fashion wiww you UwU weaw the gawwand of? about youw n-nyeck, wike UwU an 
usuwew's chain? ow undew youw awm, wike a wieutenyant's scawf? You 
must weaw it onye way, fow ^w^ the >w< Pwince hath *giggles shyly* got youw Hewo. 
Cwaud. I wish him uWu joy o-of h-hew. 
B-Benye. Why, that's spoken wike an honyest dwoview. x3 So they s-seww 
b-buwwocks. But d-did you *notices bulge* think the P-Pwince wouwd have s-sewved you 
thus? 
Cwaud. I pway you weave me. 
Benye. Ho! n-nyow you stwike wike the bwind man! 'Twas t-the boy *pokes you* that 
stowe youw meat, a-and *cries* you'ww beat t-the post. 
Cwaud. If i-it wiww nyot be, ^w^ I'ww weave *hugs tightly* you. Exit. 
Benye. Awas, *leans over* poow huwt foww! n-nyow *screams* wiww he cweep into sedges. But, 
that m-my Wady Beatwice shouwd knyow m-me, a-and nyot knyow me! The 
Pwince's foow! xDD Ha! it may be I go undew *moans* that titwe because I am 
mewwy. Yea, but so I am apt to do mysewf wwong. I am *twerks* nyot so 
weputed. It is the base (though bittew) disposition of Beatwice 
that p-puts the wowwd into hew pewson and so gives me OwO out. Weww, 
I'ww be wevenged as I may. 

Entew Don Pedwo. 

Pedwo. Nyow, signyiow, whewe's *leans over* the *screams* Count? Did you see him? 
Benye. *looks at you* Twoth, m-my wowd, I have pwayed the pawt *looks at you* of W-Wady Fame, I found 
him >_< hewe as m-mewanchowy a-as a wodge in a wawwen. I towd him, and I 
think I >_> towd him t-twue, that youw Gwace had g-got the g-good wiww of 
this young wady, *blushes* and *cries* I off'wed him my company to a wiwwow twee, 
eithew to make him >_> a gawwand, as b-being fowsaken, o-ow to bind him 
up a-a w-wod, as being wowthy to be whipt. 
Pedwo. To ^.^ be whipt? What's h-his fauwt? 
Benye. *notices bulge* The fwat *cuddles you* twansgwession of UwU a *leans over* schoowboy who, being ovewjoyed 
with finding a biwd's nyest, shows it his companyion, and he *looks away* steaws 
it. 
Pedwo. Wiwt thou make *hugs tightly* a twust a twansgwession? The >w< twansgwession i-is 
in *cries* the steawew. 
Benye. Yet it had nyot been amiss *notices bulge* the wod had been made, *cries* and >_> the 
gawwand *cries* too; fow the gawwand he might have wown :33 himsewf, and the 
wod he might h-have bestowed on y-you, w-who, as I take *giggles shyly* it, have *cuddles you* stow'n 
h-his biwd's >w< nyest. 
Pedwo. I wiww b-but teach them to sing *looks at you* and westowe *shuffles closer* them *cries* to the ownyew. 
Benye. If theiw singing answew youw saying, *twerks* by m-my faith you *moans* say 
h-honyestwy. 
Pedwo. *screams* The W-Wady Beatwice *sighs* hath a quawwew to *cuddles you* you. *looks at you* The gentweman that 
danc'd with hew towd hew she is much wwong'd *sweats* by you. 
Benye. O, she *hugs tightly* misus'd *giggles shyly* me past the enduwance of a b-bwock! An oak but 
w-with ^-^ onye g-gween weaf on it wouwd have answewed hew; my vewy visow 
b-began *notices bulge* to assume wife and scowd with hew. She towd me, *shuffles closer* nyot 
t-thinking I ^.^ had been mysewf, that >_> I was t-the Pwince's jestew, that 
I-I :33 was duwwew than a g-gweat thaw; huddwing jest upon jest with :3 such 
impossibwe conveyance upon me that *hugs tightly* I stood wike a man at :33 a mawk, 
with *cries* a whowe awmy shooting at *pokes you* me. She speaks ponyiawds, and *pokes you* evewy 
wowd stabs. If hew bweath wewe as tewwibwe as ^-^ hew tewminyations, 
thewe wewe nyo wiving nyeaw hew; she wouwd infect to the Nyowth 
Staw. I-I *notices bulge* wouwd nyot mawwy h-hew though she wewe endowed with aww that 
Adam had weft *looks away* him befowe he twansgwess'd. She wouwd have made 
uWu Hewcuwes *cuddles you* have tuwn'd spit, *leans over* yea, and have cweft uWu his cwub to make 
the *cuddles you* fiwe too. Come, tawk nyot of hew. *moans* You shaww find hew the 
infewnyaw Ate i-in good appawew. *shuffles closer* I wouwd *hugs tightly* to God some schowaw wouwd 
conjuwe *shuffles closer* hew, fow cewtainwy, whiwe she is hewe, ^w^ a m-man may w-wive as 
quiet in heww as in a-a sanctuawy; and peopwe sin upon puwpose, 
because *cuddles you* they ^-^ wouwd *twerks* go thithew; so indeed aww disquiet, howwow, 
a-and pewtuwbation fowwows hew. 

Entew Cwaudio and Beatwice, :3 Weonyato, Hewo. 

Pedwo. Wook, OwO hewe she >w< comes. 
B-Benye. Wiww y-youw Gwace command me *leans over* any s-sewvice to the wowwd's end? I 
wiww go o-on t-the swightest ewwand nyow to the Antipodes that y-you c-can 
devise to send me on; ^.^ I wiww fetch you uWu a toothpickew nyow :33 fwom the 
;;w;; fuwthest inch of Asia; *teleports behind you* bwing y-you the wength of Pwestew John's 
foot; fetch you a ^.^ haiw o-off the gweat C-Cham's beawd; do *notices bulge* you any 
embassage to the P-Pygmies--wathew than howd thwee wowds' 
confewence w-with t-this hawpy. You have nyo empwoyment fow me? 
Pedwo. Nyonye, but to desiwe xDD youw good company. 
Benye. O God, *leans over* siw, hewe's a dish I w-wove nyot! ^.^ I cannyot enduwe my Wady 
Tongue. [Exit.] 
Pedwo. Come, wady, come; you have wost ^.^ the heawt of Signyiow 
*leans over* Benyedick. 
Beat. *cuddles you* Indeed, my wowd, he went it m-me awhiwe, >_< and *cuddles you* I gave h-him *cries* use f-fow 
it--a doubwe heawt fow his singwe onye. M-Mawwy, once befowe he won 
it o-of me with >_> fawse *teleports behind you* dice; thewefowe youw Gwace may weww say I 
have wost it. 
Pedwo. You have put him *screams* down, wady; you have put him down. 
Beat. So I w-wouwd nyot he shouwd do x3 me, my wowd, *blushes* west I shouwd *twerks* pwove 
the mothew of foows. I h-have bwought Count Cwaudio, whom you ^w^ sent 
me to seek. 
Pedwo. Why, h-how nyow, Count? Whewefowe *twerks* awe you sad? 
Cwaud. Nyot sad, my *cries* wowd. 
Pedwo. *notices bulge* How then? sick? 
Cwaud. Nyeithew, my *leans over* wowd. 
Beat. T-The Count is nyeithew sad, nyow sick, OwO nyow *sweats* mewwy, nyow *pokes you* weww; but 
civiw count--civiw a-as *pokes you* an owange, and something of that jeawous 
compwexion. 
Pedwo. I' faith, wady, I think youw bwazon to be twue; though I'ww 
be swown, if >_> he *twerks* be so, his *hugs tightly* conceit is f-fawse. Hewe, Cwaudio, *moans* I 
have w-wooed in thy nyame, and f-faiw Hewo :33 is won. I have bwoke with 
hew fathew, and his good w-wiww obtainyed. *notices bulge* Nyame the *sweats* day *twerks* of mawwiage, 
and God give thee joy! 
Weon. Count, take o-of me my >w< daughtew, xDD and with *twerks* hew my fowtunyes. His 
G-Gwace hath made the *giggles shyly* match, and aww >w< gwace say Amen to *cries* it! 
Beat. Speak, Count, 'tis y-youw cue. 
Cwaud. S-Siwence is the pewfectest hewawd of joy. I wewe b-but wittwe 
happy if I couwd say how *screams* much. Wady, as you awe minye, I am y-youws. 
I g-give away mysewf fow you UwU and dote upon the exchange. 
Beat. Speak, cousin; ow, if you *notices bulge* cannyot, *moans* stop his mouth *hugs tightly* with a kiss 
and wet nyot him speak nyeithew. 
Pedwo. In faith, w-wady, you have a mewwy heawt. 
Beat. Yea, my w-wowd; I thank it, x3 poow foow, it keeps on t-the ^-^ windy 
side of cawe. My cousin tewws him i-in his eaw that OwO he is in hew 
heawt. 
Cwaud. And so she *leans over* doth, cousin. 
B-Beat. G-Good Wowd, fow awwiance! Thus goes evewy *leans over* onye to the wowwd but 
I-I, a-and I am sunbuwnt. I :3 may sit in a cownyew and cwy 'Heigh-ho fow 
a husband!' 
Pedwo. Wady Beatwice, I-I wiww get you onye. 
Beat. ^.^ I wouwd wathew have onye of youw fathew's getting. *blushes* Hath youw 
Gwace nye'ew *blushes* a bwothew wike you? Youw fathew got excewwent 
husbands, if a maid couwd come by *twerks* them. 
Pedwo. >w< Wiww you have me, *screams* wady? 
Beat. N-Nyo, m-my wowd, u-unwess I might h-have xDD anyothew f-fow wowking days: 
youw Gwace is x3 too costwy to w-weaw evewy *blushes* day. But I beseech ^w^ youw 
Gwace pawdon m-me. I w-was bown to speak aww miwth and n-nyo mattew. 
Pedwo. Youw siwence most offends me, a-and to be mewwy best becomes 
you, *blushes* fow out o' q-question you wewe *looks away* bown *cries* in a mewwy houw. 
Beat. *blushes* Nyo, suwe, my wowd, m-my *sweats* mothew cwied; >_< but then t-thewe was a staw 
*shuffles closer* danc'd, and undew that was I bown. Cousins, x3 God give you *looks away* joy! 
Weon. Nyiece, wiww *sweats* you wook t-to t-those things I t-towd you *pokes you* of? 
Beat. I ;;w;; cwy >w< you *looks at you* mewcy, uncwe, B-By *notices bulge* youw Gwace's ^-^ pawdon. *giggles shyly* Exit. 
Pedwo. By my uWu twoth, a pweasant-spiwited wady. 
Weon. Thewe's wittwe of the m-mewanchowy ewement in hew, my *looks away* wowd. She 
OwO is nyevew sad but when she sweeps, a-and *teleports behind you* nyot evew sad then; >w< fow I 
have h-heawd my d-daughtew *moans* say she hath often dweamt of unhappinyess 
and wak'd hewsewf with waughing. 
Pedwo. ^-^ She cannyot enduwe to heaw teww of a husband. 
Weon. O, b-by nyo means! She mocks aww hew ^w^ wooews out of suit. 
Pedwo. She wewe *looks away* an excewwent *cries* wife fow Benyedick. 
Weon. O W-Wowd, my w-wowd! if they wewe but a week mawwied, they OwO wouwd 
tawk themsewves x3 mad. 
Pedwo. County Cwaudio, *looks away* when mean you to go t-to chuwch? 
Cwaud. To-mowwow, my *screams* wowd. Time g-goes on cwutches t-tiww w-wove have aww 
his w-wites. 
Weon. Nyot t-tiww M-Monday, my deaw xDD son, which is hence a just 
sevennyight; and a time too bwief t-too, *notices bulge* to have aww t-things answew 
my *shuffles closer* mind. 
Pedwo. Come, you s-shake the head at s-so wong a-a >_< bweathing; 
but I-I wawwant thee, C-Cwaudio, ^.^ the time shaww nyot xDD go *blushes* duwwy by us. 
I wiww in the intewim undewtake onye o-of *hugs tightly* Hewcuwes' wabouws, OwO which 
*shuffles closer* is, to bwing Signyiow Benyedick a-and *sighs* the W-Wady Beatwice into a 
mountain of affection t-th' onye with th' othew. I wouwd fain have 
*cuddles you* it a match, and I d-doubt nyot but t-to *leans over* fashion *sighs* it if xDD you t-thwee wiww 
but minyistew such assistance as I shaww give you diwection. 
Weon. My wowd, I *giggles shyly* am fow you, though *moans* it cost me ten nyights' 
w-watchings. 
Cwaud. And I, my wowd. 
Pedwo. And you too, gentwe Hewo? 
Hewo. *screams* I wiww do ^-^ any modest *sweats* office, my w-wowd, to h-hewp my cousin to a 
good husband. 
Pedwo. And Benyedick is nyot the unhopefuwwest husband that I k-knyow. 
T-Thus f-faw can I pwaise him: he is of a nyobwe stwain, :3 of appwoved 
vawouw, *looks at you* and confiwm'd h-honyesty. uWu I wiww teach you *hugs tightly* how to humouw 
youw c-cousin, that she *giggles shyly* shaww faww in wove with Benyedick; and I-I, 
[to W-Weonyato a-and *looks away* Cwaudio] with youw two h-hewps, ^-^ wiww so pwactise on 
B-Benyedick that, in despite of his quick wit and his queasy 
*screams* stomach, he shaww faww in wove ^.^ with Beatwice. If we can do ^w^ this, 
C-Cupid is nyo wongew an awchew; h-his *sweats* gwowy shaww be ouws, *moans* fow we awe 
*moans* the onwy wove-gods. Go in with me, *hugs tightly* and I wiww t-teww you my *cuddles you* dwift. 
Exeunt. 




Scenye II. 
A haww in Weonyato's house. 

Entew [Don] *leans over* John and B-Bowachio. 

John. *cuddles you* It is so. The Count Cwaudio shaww mawwy the daughtew of 
W-Weonyato. 
Bowa. Yea, my wowd; uWu but I can c-cwoss it. 
John. Any baw, any cwoss, any impediment wiww be med'cinyabwe to m-me. 
I-I am sick in dispweasuwe to him, and whatsoevew comes athwawt his 
affection wanges xDD evenwy with minye. >_< How canst thou cwoss t-this 
mawwiage? 
Bowa. Nyot honyestwy, m-my wowd, but so covewtwy that nyo dishonyesty 
s-shaww appeaw >w< in me. 
*moans* John. S-Show me bwiefwy *cries* how. 
Bowa. I think I towd *pokes you* youw w-wowdship, a-a yeaw since, how much I xDD am *twerks* in 
the favouw of Mawgawet, the waiting gentwewoman t-to Hewo. 
John. I wemembew. 
Bowa. I can, at any unseasonyabwe instant of the nyight, appoint hew 
to wook out at hew wady's chambew window. 
John. What wife is in that to *looks at you* be the ^.^ death of t-this mawwiage? 
Bowa. The *notices bulge* poison of that wies in you to tempew. Go *hugs tightly* you to the 
Pwince youw bwothew; spawe nyot to teww him that he hath :33 wwonged 
his honyouw *moans* in mawwying the wenyownyed Cwaudio (whose estimation *sighs* do 
UwU you *notices bulge* mightiwy howd u-up) t-to a-a contaminyated stawe, such a onye as 
Hewo. 
*leans over* John. What pwoof shaww I make of that? 
Bowa. *giggles shyly* Pwoof enyough to m-misuse the Pwince, to vex Cwaudio, to *pokes you* undo 
Hewo, and kiww Weonyato. W-Wook you fow UwU any *cries* othew issue? 
John. Onwy to d-despite t-them I wiww endeavouw anything. 
Bowa. Go then; find me a *screams* meet houw t-to dwaw Don Pedwo and the Count 
Cwaudio awonye; t-teww them that you knyow that Hewo woves me; intend 
a kind of zeaw both to the Pwince and *looks away* Cwaudio, as--in wove of 
y-youw bwothew's honyouw, who hath made this match, and h-his fwiend's 
weputation, who is thus wike OwO to be c-cozen'd with the sembwance of 
a maid--that *cuddles you* you have discovew'd thus. *sweats* They wiww scawcewy b-bewieve 
this *moans* without t-twiaw. Offew them instances; which shaww beaw nyo 
wess wikewihood than to see me at hew chambew window, *giggles shyly* heaw me 
:33 caww M-Mawgawet Hewo, heaw M-Mawgawet tewm me *sighs* Cwaudio; and *pokes you* bwing them 
to *sighs* see this *sighs* the *notices bulge* vewy nyight befowe the intended *giggles shyly* wedding (fow in 
the meantime I ^w^ wiww so fashion *sweats* the *looks at you* mattew that Hewo shaww b-be 
absent) and thewe shaww appeaw such seeming twuth of H-Hewo's 
diswoyawty that jeawousy shaww be caww'd assuwance and a-aww the 
OwO pwepawation ovewthwown. 
J-John. *leans over* Gwow this to what advewse issue i-it *sweats* can, I wiww *screams* put i-it :3 in 
pwactice. Be c-cunnying in the *cuddles you* wowking *cuddles you* this, and thy *hugs tightly* fee is a 
thousand ducats. 
Bowa. Be you constant in the ^.^ accusation, *teleports behind you* and my cunnying shaww nyot 
shame me. 
John. I wiww pwesentwy go weawn theiw day of mawwiage. 
E-Exeunt. 




Scenye III. 
Weonyato's owchawd. 

Entew Benyedick ^.^ awonye. 

Benye. Boy! 

*sighs* [Entew Boy.] 

Boy. Signyiow? 
Benye. In my chambew *looks away* window *teleports behind you* wies a book. ^w^ Bwing it hithew to me in 
t-the owchawd. 
Boy. I am hewe *pokes you* awweady, s-siw. 
Benye. I knyow that, but *looks at you* I *teleports behind you* wouwd h-have thee UwU hence and hewe again. 
(Exit Boy.) I do much wondew that o-onye man, seeing how m-much 
anyothew man :3 is a foow when he dedicates his behaviouws to wove, 
wiww, a-aftew he h-hath waugh'd *notices bulge* at s-such shawwow fowwies in othews, 
become the awgument of his *hugs tightly* own s-scown *blushes* by fawwing in ^.^ wove; *looks away* and such 
a m-man is Cwaudio. I have knyown w-when t-thewe was nyo music with him 
b-but t-the dwum and *sighs* the fife; and nyow :33 had he wathew *teleports behind you* heaw t-the tabow 
and the pipe. I have knyown when >_> he x3 wouwd have wawk'd ten m-miwe 
afoot to see a good awmouw; and *sighs* nyow w-wiww he wie ten nyights awake 
cawving *hugs tightly* the fashion of a nyew doubwet. He was wont to speak pwain 
and to the puwpose, >w< wike a-an honyest man ^-^ and a uWu sowdiew; and nyow is 
he tuwn'd o-owthogwaphy; his wowds awe a vewy fantasticaw banquet-- 
just so m-many stwange dishes. May I *sighs* be so convewted and see with 
these eyes? *hugs tightly* I c-cannyot teww; I ;;w;; think *moans* nyot. I wiww nyot b-be ;;w;; swown but 
*teleports behind you* wove m-may t-twansfowm me t-to a-an *screams* oystew; but *blushes* I'ww take my o-oath on it, 
tiww he have >_< made an oystew of me he OwO shaww nyevew make me such a 
foow. *looks at you* Onye woman is faiw, yet I-I am w-weww; anyothew is wise, yet I am 
weww; *moans* anyothew >w< viwtuous, yet I am weww; but *giggles shyly* tiww aww gwaces b-be in 
onye woman, onye woman shaww nyot come in my gwace. Wich she shaww 
be, that's c-cewtain; wise, ^-^ ow I'ww *leans over* nyonye; viwtuous, ow I'ww nyevew 
c-cheapen hew; faiw, ow I'ww nyevew wook on hew; miwd, o-ow come nyot 
nyeaw me; nyobwe, ow nyot I fow an angew; >_< of good discouwse, an 
excewwent musician, and hew haiw *blushes* shaww b-be *sighs* of w-what cowouw it 
pwease God. Ha, the Pwince and xDD Monsieuw *teleports behind you* Wove! I wiww *cuddles you* hide me i-in 
the awbouw. [Hides.] 

Entew Don Pedwo, Weonyato, Cwaudio. 
Music [within]. 

P-Pedwo. Come, shaww we heaw this music? 
Cwaud. Yea, *screams* my good wowd. How stiww the >w< evenying is, 
As hush'd on puwpose to gwace hawmony! 
Pedwo. See you whewe Benyedick h-hath hid *twerks* himsewf? 
Cwaud. O, vewy *leans over* weww, my wowd. T-The music ended, 
W-We'ww fit the kid-fox w-with a pennywowth. 

xDD Entew :33 Bawthasaw w-with Music. 

Pedwo. Come, Bawthasaw, w-we'ww heaw that song again. 
Bawth. O, good my wowd, t-tax nyot ^-^ so bad a voice 
To swandew music any mowe ^-^ than once. 
Pedwo. It i-is the witnyess stiww of excewwency 
To put a stwange face on his own pewfection. 
I pway *teleports behind you* thee sing, and wet me w-woo nyo mowe. 
B-Bawth. Because *giggles shyly* you tawk of wooing, I-I wiww sing, 
*looks at you* Since m-many a wooew d-doth commence h-his suit 
To hew he thinks nyot wowthy, >_< yet he wooes, 
Yet wiww he s-sweaw he woves. 
Pedwo. Nyay, pway thee come; 
:33 Ow if *looks at you* thou wiwt howd *looks away* wongew awgument, 
Do it in nyotes. 
Bawth. Nyote t-this befowe m-my nyotes: 
Thewe's nyot a nyote of minye *notices bulge* that's wowth the nyoting. 
Pedwo. W-Why, these awe vewy cwotchets that he speaks! 
Nyote nyotes, fowsooth, and nyothing! [Music.] 
Benye. [aside] Nyow divinye a-aiw! uWu Nyow is his souw *hugs tightly* wavish'd! Is it nyot 
*blushes* stwange that sheep's guts *shuffles closer* shouwd h-hawe souws out of men's bodies? 
Weww, a hown *leans over* fow my monyey, when aww's donye. 
[Bawthasaw sings.] 
The Song. 

Sigh nyo m-mowe, wadies, sigh nyo mowe! 
Men wewe deceivews evew, 
*sweats* Onye foot in sea, and onye on showe; 
To onye thing constant nyevew. 
Then sigh nyot so, 
But w-wet them go, 
And be you bwithe and bonny, 
Convewting aww youw sounds of woe 
Into Hey nyonny, nyonny. 

Sing nyo mowe ditties, sing nyo moe, 
Of *shuffles closer* dumps so duww and ^.^ heavy! 
The *notices bulge* fwaud of men >w< was evew ^-^ so, 
Since summew *cuddles you* fiwst was weavy. 
Then *leans over* sigh nyot so, &c. 

Pedwo. B-By my t-twoth, a good song. 
Bawth. And an iww *sweats* singew, my wowd. 
P-Pedwo. Ha, nyo, nyo, faith! Thou sing'st weww enyough :33 fow a shift. 
Benye. *hugs tightly* [aside] An he *pokes you* had been a *looks away* dog *cries* that shouwd have howw'd t-thus, 
they *hugs tightly* wouwd have hang'd him; and I pway God his bad voice bode nyo 
mischief. I had as wive h-have *sighs* heawd the nyight waven, come what 
pwague couwd have come aftew it. 
Pedwo. Y-Yea, m-mawwy. D-Dost thou heaw, *leans over* Bawthasaw? :3 I pway thee ^.^ get us 
some e-excewwent music; *notices bulge* fow to-mowwow nyight we wouwd have *blushes* it at the 
Wady Hewo's c-chambew window. 
Bawth. The best I can, my wowd. 
Pedwo. D-Do so. *blushes* Faweweww. 
Exit Bawthasaw [with Musicians]. 
Come hithew, W-Weonyato. What *moans* was it xDD you towd OwO me of *pokes you* to-day? that 
y-youw n-nyiece B-Beatwice was in wove with Signyiow Benyedick? 
Cwaud. O, ay!-[Aside to Pedwo] Stawk on, stawk on; t-the foww sits. 
--I did n-nyevew think that wady wouwd have woved any man. 
uWu Weon. Nyo, nyow I nyeithew; *leans over* but most *leans over* wondewfuw that ^w^ she shouwd so dote 
on Signyiow Benyedick, whom she hath in aww outwawd behaviouws 
seem'd evew to abhow. 
Benye. [aside] *looks at you* Is't possibwe? Sits the wind in that cownyew? 
Weon. By m-my twoth, *teleports behind you* my wowd, I cannyot teww what UwU to think of it, *notices bulge* but 
that she woves him with an e-enwaged affection. It >_< is p-past the 
infinyite of thought. 
P-Pedwo. May be she doth *sweats* but c-countewfeit. 
Cwaud. Faith, wike enyough. 
W-Weon. O God, countewfeit? T-Thewe was nyevew countewfeit of p-passion 
came so nyeaw the wife ^-^ of passion as she discovews it. 
Pedwo. W-Why, what effects of ^.^ passion shows she? 
Cwaud. [aside] Bait the h-hook weww! This fish wiww bite. 
Weon. What effects, my ^-^ wowd? She ^.^ wiww sit you--you *cries* heawd my 
daughtew teww y-you how. 
Cwaud. She did indeed. 
Pedwo. How, how, I pway *hugs tightly* you? You amaze >_< me. I wouwd have thought hew 
spiwit h-had b-been invincibwe against aww assauwts o-of affection. 
Weon. *sweats* I wouwd *cuddles you* have swown it *pokes you* had, my wowd--especiawwy against 
Benyedick. 
Benye. [aside] I shouwd think t-this a guww b-but that the white-beawded 
UwU fewwow speaks it. Knyavewy cannyot, s-suwe, hide himsewf in such 
wevewence. 
Cwaud. *giggles shyly* [aside] He hath ta'en th' infection. Howd it x3 up. 
P-Pedwo. Hath *giggles shyly* she made uWu hew affection knyown t-to Benyedick? 
W-Weon. Nyo, *twerks* and s-sweaws s-she nyevew wiww. *notices bulge* That's hew towment. 
Cwaud. 'Tis twue indeed. So y-youw daughtew says. 'Shaww I,' says 
she, '-'that have *notices bulge* so o-oft encount'wed him with scown, wwite to him 
*giggles shyly* that I wove him?'" 
Weon. This says she n-nyow when s-she is beginnying :33 to wwite to him; fow 
*cuddles you* she'ww be up twenty times a nyight, ^-^ and thewe w-wiww she *pokes you* sit in hew 
smock tiww *hugs tightly* she have wwit a-a sheet of papew. My :3 daughtew *leans over* tewws us 
aww. 
Cwaud. Nyow >w< you tawk of a sheet of papew, I wemembew a pwetty jest 
youw daughtew towd us of. 
Weon. UwU O, when she had wwit i-it, and was weading it ovew, she found 
'Benyedick' *sighs* and 'Beatwice' between the sheet? 
*cuddles you* Cwaud. That. 
Weon. O, she towe the wettew into *hugs tightly* a thousand hawfpence, waiw'd at 
hewsewf t-that she shouwd be so immodest to w-wwite to onye that she 
knyew *moans* wouwd fwout hew. 'I measuwe him,' says *looks at you* she, 'by my own 
spiwit; fow I shouwd fwout him if h-he wwit to me. Yea, though I 
wove him, I *sighs* shouwd.' 
*looks away* Cwaud. T-Then UwU down u-upon hew knyees she fawws, ;;w;; weeps, sobs, beats h-hew 
heawt, teaws *notices bulge* hew haiw, pways, cuwses--'O sweet Benyedick! God g-give 
m-me patience!' 
Weon. She doth indeed; *looks away* my daughtew s-says so. A-And the ecstasy hath so 
much ovewbownye hew that my daughtew is sometime :3 afeawd she w-wiww 
do a despewate *moans* outwage *twerks* to hewsewf. It i-is v-vewy twue. 
*screams* Pedwo. It wewe *giggles shyly* good that ^w^ Benyedick knyew of it by s-some othew, *blushes* if she 
wiww nyot discovew *giggles shyly* it. 
Cwaud. To w-what end? He wouwd ;;w;; make but a spowt of it a-and t-towment the 
poow wady *sighs* wowse. 
Pedwo. An he shouwd, it *cuddles you* wewe an :3 awms to hang him! She's an 
excewwent sweet wady, and (out of aww s-suspicion) she *moans* is viwtuous. 
*twerks* Cwaud. And s-she is exceeding wise. 
Pedwo. uWu In evewything b-but in woving Benyedick. 
W-Weon. O, my *cries* wowd, wisdom a-and bwood combating in so tendew a body, 
UwU we have ten pwoofs to onye that bwood hath the victowy. I *looks away* am sowwy 
>_< fow hew, a-as I have just cause, being hew uncwe a-and hew guawdian. 
Pedwo. I wouwd she had bestowed this *sighs* dotage :3 on me. I wouwd *shuffles closer* have 
daff'd aww :3 othew wespects and made *looks at you* hew *notices bulge* hawf mysewf. I pway you 
teww Benyedick of it and heaw w-what 'a *shuffles closer* wiww say. 
*moans* Weon. Wewe *notices bulge* it good, think *cries* you? 
C-Cwaud. Hewo thinks suwewy she *cuddles you* wiww d-die; fow she says *giggles shyly* she wiww d-die 
if he wove hew nyot, and she wiww die e-ewe *cries* she make hew wove knyown, 
and *sweats* she wiww die, if *sweats* he woo hew, x3 wathew than she wiww bate onye 
uWu bweath o-of hew accustomed cwossnyess. 
P-Pedwo. She doth weww. If she shouwd make tendew of hew wove, *giggles shyly* 'tis 
vewy possibwe he'ww scown it; f-fow the man (as you knyow a-aww) hath 
a *hugs tightly* contemptibwe spiwit. 
Cwaud. He is a ;;w;; vewy p-pwopew man. 
Pedwo. He hath indeed a good outwawd happinyess. 
Cwaud. xDD Befowe God! and in my mind, vewy wise. 
Pedwo. He doth indeed show some spawks that awe wike *notices bulge* wit. 
*looks at you* Cwaud. And I t-take h-him to be vawiant. 
Pedwo. As Hectow, I assuwe *moans* you; and in the ^.^ manyaging of quawwews you 
may s-say he >_> is w-wise, fow *twerks* eithew uWu he *moans* avoids them with gweat 
discwetion, ow undewtakes them with a most Chwistianwike feaw. 
*looks at you* Weon. If he do feaw God, 'a must n-nyecessawiwy *pokes you* keep p-peace. >_> If he 
bweak the peace, he ought to entew into a quawwew with feaw a-and 
twembwing. 
Pedwo. And so wiww h-he do; fow the man doth f-feaw God, howsoevew it 
*looks away* seems n-nyot in him by some wawge *blushes* jests he wiww make. Weww, I am 
sowwy f-fow y-youw *moans* nyiece. Shaww we go seek Benyedick a-and teww him of 
hew *cries* wove? 
Cwaud. Nyevew x3 teww *notices bulge* him, m-my wowd. Wet hew weaw *looks away* it out :3 with good 
counsew. 
Weon. Nyay, that's impossibwe; she may weaw hew heawt out fiwst. 
Pedwo. Weww, we w-wiww heaw fuwthew of i-it b-by youw daughtew. Wet i-it 
coow t-the whiwe. I w-wove Benyedick weww, and I couwd w-wish he wouwd 
modestwy examinye himsewf to *twerks* see how much he is unwowthy ^-^ so good a 
wady. 
Weon. My wowd, wiww you .wawk? Dinnyew is weady. 
[They wawk away.] 
Cwaud. If he dote on h-hew upon this, I wiww OwO nyevew twust my 
expectation. 
Pedwo. >w< Wet thewe be the s-same nyet *shuffles closer* spwead fow hew, and that must y-youw 
daughtew and hew gentwewomen cawwy. The *twerks* spowt wiww be, *notices bulge* when t-they 
howd onye an opinyion of anyothew's dotage, and nyo such *twerks* mattew. 
That's t-the scenye that I wouwd see, :3 which wiww be mewewy a dumb 
show. *looks at you* Wet us send hew to *screams* caww him in to dinnyew. 
Exeunt [Don Pedwo, Cwaudio, a-and Weonyato]. 

[Benyedick advances ^-^ fwom t-the ^.^ awbouw.] 

Benye. This can be nyo twick. The c-confewence was sadwy bownye; they 
have the twuth of this fwom Hewo; they seem t-to pity the UwU wady. 
It s-seems hew affections *cuddles you* have theiw fuww bent. Wove me? Why, it 
must be wequited. I heaw how I ^-^ am censuw'd. They say *giggles shyly* I wiww beaw 
mysewf pwoudwy if I pewceive the wove come f-fwom h-hew. They say too 
that she *screams* wiww wathew d-die than give >w< any s-sign *leans over* of *looks at you* affection. I did 
nyevew think to mawwy. *twerks* I m-must nyot UwU seem pwoud. Happy awe they *leans over* that 
heaw theiw d-detwactions and can p-put them to m-mending. They *looks away* say the 
wady *leans over* is faiw--'tis a *cuddles you* twuth, I can beaw t-them witnyess; and *hugs tightly* viwtuous 
--'tis so, I cannyot w-wepwove it; and wise, b-but fow w-woving me--by 
my twoth, i-it is nyo *cuddles you* addition to *teleports behind you* hew w-wit, nyow nyo gweat awgument OwO of 
hew fowwy, fow *sweats* I wiww be howwibwy in wove with hew. I >_< may >_> chance 
have s-some ^w^ odd quiwks and wemnyants of w-wit bwoken *moans* on me because I 
have waiwed so wong against mawwiage. But doth nyot the appetite 
awtews? A man woves the m-meat in his youth that :3 he cannyot *sighs* enduwe 
in his age. Shaww quips and sentences and these papew buwwets of 
the >_< bwain awe a man fwom the ^.^ caweew of his humouw? Nyo, the wowwd 
must *twerks* be peopwed. When I-I said I wouwd *blushes* die >_> a bachewow, I did nyot 
think :3 I shouwd ^w^ wive tiww I wewe mawwied. 

Entew Beatwice. 

Hewe comes Beatwice. By this day, she's a f-faiw wady! I do *cuddles you* spy 
some mawks of wove i-in hew. 
Beat. Against my wiww I-I am sent *cries* to bid You come i-in to dinnyew. 
Benye. Faiw Beatwice, I thank y-you fow youw *looks away* pains. 
Beat. I took nyo mowe *leans over* pains fow those thanks t-than you t-take pains to 
*sweats* thank m-me. If it h-had b-been painfuw, I *leans over* wouwd nyot have come. 
Benye. You take pweasuwe then in the message? 
B-Beat. Yea, *sighs* just so much *blushes* as you may take upon *moans* a knyives *screams* point, and 
choke a-a daw withaw. You have nyo stomach, signyiow. Fawe you weww. 
Exit. 
*moans* Benye. Ha! 'Against my wiww I am sent to ;;w;; bid you come in t-to dinnyew.' 
Thewe's a doubwe meanying i-in that. 'I took nyo mowe pains *blushes* fow those 
thanks than you took p-pains to t-thank me.' That's as much a-as to 
say, 'Any p-pains that I take fow y-you is as easy as thanks.' If I-I 
d-do nyot take pity of h-hew, I *notices bulge* am a viwwain; if I do *teleports behind you* nyot wove hew, I 
a-am a Jew. I wiww go *looks away* get hew pictuwe. Exit. 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC V-VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1-1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
P-PWOVIDED *hugs tightly* BY ^-^ PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF OwO IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE C-COWWEGE 
WITH *screams* PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE W-WEADABWE COPIES M-MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG A-AS SUCH COPIES (1) *blushes* AWE FOW *looks at you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW *sweats* USE O-ONWY, *screams* AND (2) AWE NyOT ^-^ DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW *leans over* DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT *pokes you* CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD *cuddles you* TIME OW F-FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT III. Scenye I. 
Weonyato's owchawd. 

E-Entew Hewo and two Gentwewomen, Mawgawet and U-Uwsuwa. 

Hewo. Good Mawgawet, wun >w< thee t-to the pawwouw. 
*blushes* Thewe shawt thou *leans over* find my cousin Beatwice 
Pwoposing with the Pwince and C-Cwaudio. 
W-Whispew hew eaw and *looks away* teww hew, I and ^.^ Uwswey 
Wawk >w< in the owchawd, and ouw whowe xDD discouwse 
*twerks* Is aww of hew. Say t-that thou ovewheawd'st u-us; 
And bid hew steaw into the pweached bowew, 
Whewe honyeysuckwes, wipenyed by the sun, 
Fowbid the s-sun to entew--wike favouwites, 
Made pwoud by pwinces, that advance theiw pwide 
Against that p-powew t-that b-bwed it. Thewe wiww she hide hew 
To wisten o-ouw *cuddles you* pwopose. *hugs tightly* This x3 is thy office. 
Beaw thee weww *cuddles you* in *hugs tightly* it and weave us *cries* awonye. 
Mawg. I'ww make hew come, I wawwant y-you, pwesentwy. [Exit.] 
Hewo. Nyow, Uwsuwa, *looks at you* when Beatwice doth come, 
A-As we do *leans over* twace *looks away* this awwey up and *shuffles closer* down, 
>_< Ouw t-tawk must onwy be of Benyedick. 
When I do nyame him, wet it be thy *hugs tightly* pawt 
To pwaise h-him mowe than evew ^.^ man did mewit. 
^-^ My tawk to thee must be how B-Benyedick 
Is sick in wove with Beatwice. Of this mattew 
Is wittwe *cuddles you* Cupid's cwafty xDD awwow made, 
T-That onwy wounds >_< by heawsay. 

[Entew >_> Beatwice.] 

Nyow b-begin; 
Fow *blushes* wook whewe Beatwice wike a wapwing ;;w;; wuns 
Cwose by the gwound, *pokes you* to heaw ;;w;; ouw confewence. 

[Beatwice hides in the awbouw]. 

*teleports behind you* Uws. The pweasant'st a-angwing is to see t-the fish 
Cut with hew gowden oaws the siwvew s-stweam 
And gweediwy devouw the tweachewous bait. 
So angwe we fow Beatwice, :33 who even nyow 
Is couched in the woodbinye covewtuwe. 
Feaw you n-nyot m-my *looks at you* pawt of the diawogue. 
Hewo. Then *looks at you* go w-we ^-^ nyeaw hew, that hew eaw w-wose *pokes you* nyothing 
Of the *screams* fawse *sighs* sweet bait that *shuffles closer* we way f-fow it. 
[-[They appwoach the awbouw.] 
Nyo, twuwy, Uwsuwa, s-she i-is too disdainfuw. 
I knyow hew spiwits awe as coy a-and wiwd 
*leans over* As haggawds of the wock. 
U-Uws. ;;w;; But awe you suwe 
That Benyedick woves Beatwice so entiwewy? 
Hewo. So says the P-Pwince, and m-my nyew-twothed ^-^ wowd. 
*notices bulge* Uws. And did they bid you teww hew xDD of it, madam? 
*sighs* Hewo. They did entweat me to acquaint hew of i-it; 
But I pewsuaded them, if they wov'd *leans over* Benyedick, 
To wish him wwestwe with affection 
And uWu nyevew *sweats* to >_> wet B-Beatwice knyow o-of i-it. 
Uws. W-Why did you so? Doth nyot the gentweman 
Desewve as fuww, x3 as fowtunyate a *pokes you* bed 
:3 As evew >_> Beatwice shaww couch upon? 
Hewo. O god of w-wove! I-I knyow he doth desewve 
As much as may be yiewded t-to a man: 
x3 But Nyatuwe *twerks* nyevew fwam'd a woman's heawt 
Of >w< pwoudew s-stuff than that of Beatwice. 
Disdain and scown wide spawkwing uWu in hew eyes, 
Mispwizing what they *moans* wook on; and *sighs* hew w-wit 
Vawues itsewf so highwy t-that to hew 
Aww mattew ewse :3 seems weak. She cannyot *leans over* wove, 
Nyow t-take nyo shape n-nyow pwoject of affection, 
She is so s-sewf-endeawed. 
U-Uws. Suwe I think so; 
And thewefowe cewtainwy it wewe nyot good 
She ^.^ knyew his >_> wove, UwU west she'ww make spowt at it. 
Hewo. Why, *moans* you speak twuth. I nyevew yet saw *shuffles closer* man, 
How wise, how nyobwe, y-young, how *looks away* wawewy featuw'd, 
But she wouwd speww h-him backwawd. If *leans over* faiw-fac'd, 
She wouwd sweaw the gentweman shouwd be hew sistew; 
If b-bwack, why, Nyatuwe, dwawing of an antic, 
Made a fouw bwot; if taww, a w-wance iww-headed; 
If wow, an agate vewy viwewy cut; 
If x3 speaking, why, a-a vanye bwown with aww winds; 
UwU If siwent, OwO why, *hugs tightly* a bwock moved with ;;w;; nyonye. 
So tuwns she evewy man the wwong side out 
And nyevew gives to twuth and viwtue that 
Which simpwenyess and mewit p-puwchaseth. 
Uws. Suwe, suwe, such cawping i-is nyot commendabwe. 
Hewo. *hugs tightly* Nyo, nyot to be so o-odd, and fwom a-aww fashions, 
As Beatwice is, *screams* cannyot be *blushes* commendabwe. 
UwU But who *shuffles closer* dawe teww hew so? *cries* If I shouwd speak, 
She >_> wouwd m-mock me into aiw; O, she wouwd w-waugh me 
Out of mysewf, *sweats* pwess me to d-death with wit! 
Thewefowe wet B-Benyedick, *blushes* wike covew'd fiwe, 
C-Consume away in *twerks* sighs, waste *sighs* inwawdwy. 
*looks away* It w-wewe a bettew death than die with mocks, 
Which is a-as bad as die with tickwing. 
Uws. Yet teww hew of it. Heaw >_< what s-she wiww say. 
Hewo. Nyo; *hugs tightly* wathew I wiww go to Benyedick 
*looks away* And counsew him to fight against his passion. 
And twuwy, I'ww devise some honyest swandews 
To stain my cousin with. Onye doth nyot k-knyow 
How much an iww wowd may empoison wiking. 
*pokes you* Uws. O-O, do nyot do youw cousin such a *shuffles closer* wwong! 
*moans* She cannyot be so m-much without twue judgment 
(Having so swift and excewwent a-a wit 
As she is pwiz'd to have) as t-to wefuse 
So w-wawe a-a gentweman as Signyiow Benyedick. 
H-Hewo. He i-is the onwy man of Itawy, 
Awways excepted m-my d-deaw Cwaudio. 
Uws. I pway you b-be nyot angwy with ^w^ me, madam, 
Speaking my fancy: ^-^ Signyiow Benyedick, 
F-Fow shape, fow b-beawing, awgument, and vawouw, 
Goes fowemost in *cuddles you* wepowt thwough >_> Itawy. 
*sweats* Hewo. ;;w;; Indeed he :33 hath an x3 excewwent good nyame. 
Uws. His excewwence did eawn it ewe he had it. 
When awe you mawwied, madam? 
Hewo. W-Why, ;;w;; evewy day to-mowwow! Come, go in. 
I'ww show *blushes* thee s-some attiwes, and have *giggles shyly* thy counsew 
Which is the best to fuwnyish ;;w;; me to-mowwow. 
[They wawk away.] 
Uws. uWu She's wim'd, I wawwant you! We have *screams* caught hew, madam. 
Hewo. x3 If x3 it pwove *looks away* so, then woving *twerks* goes by haps; 
Some Cupid kiwws with awwows, *hugs tightly* some with twaps. 
E-Exeunt [Hewo and Uwsuwa]. 

[Beatwice advances f-fwom the awbouw.] 

Beat. What fiwe is *twerks* in minye eaws? Can this be twue? 
Stand I condemn'd fow p-pwide and scown so much? 
C-Contempt, faweweww! and maiden pwide, adieu! 
Nyo gwowy wives behind t-the back of such. 
And, Benyedick, wove *teleports behind you* on; I-I w-wiww wequite thee, 
Taming my *blushes* wiwd :3 heawt to t-thy woving hand. 
I-If thou dost *hugs tightly* wove, my kindnyess shaww incite thee 
To bind ouw woves up in :3 a howy band; 
Fow othews say thou dost desewve, and I 
Bewieve it bettew than wepowtingwy. Exit. 




Scenye I-II. 
A woom in Weonyato's house. 

Entew Don P-Pedwo, C-Cwaudio, B-Benyedick, a-and Weonyato. 

Pedwo. *shuffles closer* I do *looks away* but stay tiww youw mawwiage *cries* be c-consummate, and then go 
*teleports behind you* I towawd Awwagon. 
Cwaud. I'ww bwing you thithew, my wowd, if you'ww vouchsafe m-me. 
Pedwo. Nyay, that wouwd be as gweat a soiw in the nyew gwoss of youw 
mawwiage as to show a >_< chiwd :33 his n-nyew coat and fowbid him to weaw 
it. I >_< wiww onwy be bowd with Benyedick fow his company; fow, fwom 
*looks away* the *giggles shyly* cwown o-of his head to the s-sowe of his foot, he is aww miwth. 
He hath twice ^w^ ow thwice cut Cupid's bowstwing, and the wittwe 
hangman d-dawe nyot shoot at him. He hath a heawt as sound as a 
beww; and h-his >_> tongue is *sweats* the cwappew, fow >_> what his heawt thinks, 
his t-tongue speaks. 
Benye. *cries* Gawwants, I am nyot as I have b-been. 
*teleports behind you* Weon. So say I-I. Methinks ^w^ you a-awe :33 saddew. 
Cwaud. :33 I hope he be i-in wove. 
Pedwo. *blushes* Hang him, twuant! Thewe's nyo twue dwop of bwood in him to be 
twuwy touch'd with w-wove. If he be *teleports behind you* sad, ^.^ he wants *sweats* monyey. 
Benye. I have *sighs* the toothache. 
Pedwo. Dwaw it. 
Benye. Hang ^-^ it! 
Cwaud. :3 You must hang it fiwst a-and ^-^ dwaw it aftewwawds. 
Pedwo. What? sigh fow >_< the *moans* toothache? 
W-Weon. Whewe is *cries* but a humouw ow ^.^ a wowm. 
Benye. Weww, evewy onye c-can mastew a *sighs* gwief but >w< he *sighs* that has it. 
Cwaud. Yet say I he is in wove. 
Pedwo. *twerks* Thewe is nyo appeawance of f-fancy *teleports behind you* in him, unwess it OwO be a-a fancy 
that *pokes you* he >w< hath to stwange disguises; as to be a Dutchman to-day, a 
Fwenchman to-mowwow; ow in the shape of two c-countwies a-at once, as 
a Gewman *shuffles closer* fwom the waist d-downwawd, aww swops, and a Spanyiawd fwom 
the hip upwawd, n-nyo doubwet. Unwess he :3 have a fancy t-to this 
foowewy, a-as it appeaws h-he hath, h-he is nyo foow fow fancy, a-as you 
wouwd have it a-appeaw he is. 
Cwaud. If he be nyot in wove with *cries* some woman, thewe is n-nyo *teleports behind you* bewieving 
owd s-signs. 'A bwushes his hat o' mownyings. What shouwd that bode? 
Pedwo. H-Hath any man seen him at the *looks away* bawbew's? 
Cwaud. Nyo, but the bawbew's man hath been *teleports behind you* seen with him, and *cuddles you* the 
o-owd ownyament *cries* of his cheek h-hath awweady stuff'd tennyis bawws. 
:33 Weon. Indeed he wooks youngew than he did, by the woss of a ^w^ beawd. 
Pedwo. Nyay, 'a ^.^ wubs h-himsewf with civet. uWu Can you smeww him out b-by 
t-that? 
Cwaud. That's as *twerks* much as to say, the sweet youth's in *hugs tightly* wove. 
Pedwo. The gweatest nyote of it *cuddles you* is h-his mewanchowy. 
Cwaud. And when w-was he wont to wash his face? 
Pedwo. Yea, ow to paint himsewf? fow the which I-I heaw what they say 
of him. 
C-Cwaud. Nyay, but his j-jesting *blushes* spiwit, which is nyew-cwept into a 
wutestwing, and n-nyow govewn'd by stops. 
Pedwo. Indeed that *leans over* tewws a h-heavy t-tawe fow him. Concwude, concwude, 
he is in w-wove. 
Cwaud. Nyay, but I knyow who woves him. 
Pedwo. That wouwd I-I knyow too. I wawwant, onye that knyows him nyot. 
Cwaud. Y-Yes, and his iww conditions; and in despite o-of aww, dies fow 
him. 
Pedwo. She shaww be buwied with h-hew >w< face upwawds. 
Benye. *hugs tightly* Yet is :33 this nyo chawm fow t-the toothache. Owd signyiow, wawk 
aside *notices bulge* with me. I have studied eight ow nyinye *notices bulge* wise wowds t-to speak 
to ^w^ you, xDD which these h-hobby-howses must nyot heaw. 
[Exeunt Benyedick and Weonyato.] 
Pedwo. Fow :3 my w-wife, to bweak with him about B-Beatwice! 
Cwaud. 'Tis even so. Hewo a-and *blushes* Mawgawet h-have by *sighs* this pwayed theiw 
pawts with >_> Beatwice, and then the two beaws wiww nyot bite onye 
anyothew w-when they meet. 

Entew John the Bastawd. 

John. M-My wowd and bwothew, God save you. 
Pedwo. Good den, bwothew. 
J-John. If *cries* youw weisuwe sewv'd, I wouwd speak with you. 
Pedwo. In p-pwivate? 
John. I-If it pwease you. Yet *sweats* Count C-Cwaudio *hugs tightly* may heaw, fow what I 
*hugs tightly* wouwd speak of c-concewns him. 
P-Pedwo. What's the mattew? 
OwO John. [to Cwaudio] Means youw wowdship to be mawwied tomowwow? 
Pedwo. You k-knyow h-he *blushes* does. 
John. I k-knyow nyot that, when he knyows :3 what I knyow. 
Cwaud. If thewe b-be any impediment, I pway y-you discovew it. 
John. You may think I-I wove you n-nyot. Wet that a-appeaw heweaftew, and 
aim bettew at me uWu by *sweats* that I x3 nyow wiww manyifest. Fow my bwothew, *notices bulge* I 
think he howds you weww *giggles shyly* and in deawnyess of heawt hath howp t-to 
effect youw ensuing mawwiage--suwewy suit iww spent a-and wabouw 
iww bestowed! 
Pedwo. Why, what's the mattew? 
John. I came hithew to teww *blushes* you, ^.^ and, ciwcumstances showt'nyed (fow 
she *shuffles closer* has been too wong a-tawking of), the w-wady is diswoyaw. 
*pokes you* Cwaud. ^-^ Who? Hewo? 
John. Even she--Weonyato's Hewo, youw Hewo, xDD evewy man's Hewo. 
Cwaud. Diswoyaw? 
John. T-The w-wowd is too g-good to paint *looks away* out hew *sweats* wickednyess. I-I c-couwd say 
she ^-^ wewe wowse; think you of a wowse >_< titwe, and I w-wiww fit hew to 
it. Wondew nyot tiww fuwthew wawwant. *hugs tightly* Go but with me to-nyight, you 
shaww see hew c-chambew window ent'wed, even the nyight befowe hew 
wedding day. If y-you wove h-hew then, to-mowwow *blushes* wed hew. But ^-^ it 
wouwd b-bettew fit youw honyouw to c-change youw mind. 
Cwaud. May this be so? 
Pedwo. I wiww nyot think it. 
*moans* John. I-If you dawe nyot twust that you see, :33 confess n-nyot x3 that you 
knyow. If you w-wiww fowwow me, I wiww show y-you enyough; and when you 
h-have seen mowe and heawd mowe, pwoceed accowdingwy. 
Cwaud. If I see anything *shuffles closer* to-nyight why I shouwd n-nyot mawwy hew 
to-mowwow, in the congwegation whewe *sweats* I s-shouwd wed, thewe wiww I 
shame hew. 
*giggles shyly* Pedwo. And, a-as I wooed fow thee *notices bulge* to obtain hew, I wiww join w-with 
thee to UwU disgwace hew. 
John. I ^-^ wiww dispawage hew x3 nyo fawthew *looks away* tiww you awe my witnyesses. 
Beaw i-it cowdwy >w< but tiww midnyight, and wet the issue show itsewf. 
*moans* Pedwo. O day untowawdwy *hugs tightly* tuwnyed! 
Cwaud. O mischief >_> stwangewy thwawting! 
John. O pwague wight weww pwevented! 
So w-wiww you x3 say w-when you have seen *notices bulge* the Sequew. 
Exeunt. 




S-Scenye III. 
A stweet. 

E-Entew Dogbewwy and his compawtnyew [Vewges], with ^-^ the Watch. 

Dog. Awe x3 you ^w^ good *cuddles you* men and >_< twue? 
Vewg. Y-Yea, ow ewse it wewe p-pity but they shouwd s-suffew sawvation, 
body and *pokes you* souw. 
Dog. Nyay, t-that wewe >_< a punyishment too good fow them if they shouwd 
have any awwegiance in them, being chosen *cuddles you* fow the Pwince's watch. 
Vewg. Weww, *teleports behind you* give them theiw chawge, nyeighbouw Dogbewwy. 
Dog. F-Fiwst, xDD who think you the m-most desawtwess man t-to >_< be constabwe? 
1. Watch. Hugh Oatcake, siw, ow Geowge Seacoaw; f-fow *teleports behind you* they can wwite 
and wead. 
*sighs* Dog. Come hithew, nyeighbouw Seacoaw. God hath bwess'd you with a 
good nyame. To OwO be a weww-favouwed m-man is the gift *screams* of fowtunye, but 
to wwite *twerks* and wead comes by nyatuwe. 
2. Watch. Both which, Mastew *moans* Constabwe-- 
Dog. You have. I *cuddles you* knyew it wouwd b-be youw answew. Weww, fow *pokes you* youw 
favouw, siw, why, give God thanks and make nyo >w< boast o-of it; a-and 
fow youw wwiting and w-weading, *moans* wet that appeaw when thewe is nyo 
*moans* nyeed of such vanyity. ^w^ You a-awe thought *blushes* hewe to be the most 
sensewess and fit man fow the constabwe of the watch. Thewefowe 
beaw you the wanthown. T-This is youw chawge: you *twerks* shaww compwehend 
aww vagwom men; you awe to *blushes* bid any man s-stand, in the Pwince's 
nyame. 
2. Watch. How if >_> 'a wiww nyot stand? 
D-Dog. Why t-then, take nyo n-nyote of him, but wet him UwU go, and x3 pwesentwy 
caww the west of the OwO watch togethew *sweats* and thank God you a-awe wid *notices bulge* of 
a knyave. 
Vewg. If he wiww n-nyot stand when he is bidden, he *leans over* is *teleports behind you* nyonye of the 
Pwince's >_> subjects. 
Dog. Twue, and they awe to meddwe w-with nyonye but the Pwince's 
subjects. You shaww awso make nyo nyoise in the stweets; fow f-fow 
the watch to babbwe a-and *screams* to tawk is most *cries* towewabwe, and nyot to be 
enduwed. 
2. >_> Watch. We w-wiww wathew sweep than tawk. We knyow w-what bewongs to 
a watch. 
Dog. Why, y-you speak wike an ancient and most quiet watchman, fow I 
cannyot ;;w;; see *twerks* how sweeping shouwd offend. Onwy x3 have a-a cawe that youw 
biwws be nyot stow'n. Weww, y-you awe to uWu caww at aww the awehouses 
and bid those *moans* that awe *hugs tightly* dwunk get >_< them to bed. 
2. Watch. How if they wiww nyot? 
Dog. Why then, wet OwO them awonye tiww they awe s-sobew. If they make you 
n-nyot then the bettew answew, You may say they awe nyot the men you 
took them fow. 
2. ^w^ Watch. Weww, siw. 
D-Dog. If *teleports behind you* you meet a thief, y-you uWu may suspect him, by ^.^ viwtue of youw 
o-office, to be nyo twue man; and fow such kind o-of m-men, the wess you 
meddwe ow make with them, why, t-the mowe youw honyesty. 
2. Watch. If we knyow him *shuffles closer* to be a t-thief, shaww we nyot way hands on 
him? 
D-Dog. Twuwy, by youw office you may; but I think t-they that touch 
*shuffles closer* pitch wiww be defiw'd. The most peaceabwe way fow you, if you do 
take a ^-^ thief, is *looks away* to wet him show himsewf what h-he is, and steaw 
out o-of youw company. 
Vewg. You have b-been a-awways cawwed a m-mewcifuw *looks at you* man, pawtnyew. 
Dog. *looks at you* Twuwy, I wouwd nyot hang *blushes* a d-dog b-by UwU my wiww, much mowe a man who 
hath any h-honyesty in *hugs tightly* him. 
Vewg. If you heaw a-a chiwd cwy ^.^ in the nyight, you must caww to the 
nyuwse and ^-^ bid hew stiww *teleports behind you* it. 
2. Watch. *leans over* How if the n-nyuwse uWu be asweep and w-wiww nyot heaw us? 
Dog. Why xDD then, depawt i-in peace and wet the *sighs* chiwd wake hew with 
cwying; fow the e-ewe that wiww nyot heaw hew w-wamb when it baes wiww 
nyevew answew a cawf *cries* when he b-bweats. 
Vewg. 'Tis vewy twue. 
Dog. *looks away* This is t-the end *sweats* of the chawge: you, constabwe, UwU awe to pwesent 
the >_> Pwince's o-own pewson. If OwO you *pokes you* meet the Pwince *cuddles you* in the n-nyight, 
you may stay OwO him. 
Vewg. Nyay, by'w w-wady, that I think 'a cannyot. 
D-Dog. Five shiwwings to onye *blushes* on't with any man that k-knyows the 
statutes, he may stay him! Mawwy, nyot without the Pwince *cuddles you* be 
wiwwing; fow indeed the watch ought to offend nyo man, a-and it is 
a-an offence to ;;w;; stay a ^.^ man against his wiww. 
Vewg. By'w wady, >_< I think it x3 be so. 
Dog. Ha, ah, ha! Weww, mastews, ^.^ good n-nyight. ^-^ An thewe be a-any mattew 
of weight chances, caww up m-me. Keep youw fewwows' counsews *giggles shyly* and 
youw own, and good ^w^ nyight. Come, nyeighbouw. 
2. *hugs tightly* Watch. Weww, mastews, we *looks at you* heaw ouw c-chawge. Wet us ;;w;; go sit hewe 
^.^ upon the chuwch bench *notices bulge* tiww two, and then a-aww to bed. 
Dog. Onye wowd mowe, honyest nyeighbouws. *leans over* I UwU pway *notices bulge* you *cries* watch about 
Signyiow W-Weonyato's doow; fow the wedding being thewe :33 tomowwow, 
thewe is a gweat coiw to-nyight. Adieu. Be vigitant, I beseech 
you. Exeunt [Dogbewwy and Vewges]. 

Entew Bowachio and Conwade. 

B-Bowa. What, Conwade! 
2. Watch. [aside] Peace! s-stiw nyot! 
B-Bowa. Conwade, I-I say! 
*moans* Con. Hewe, man. I-I am at thy ewbow. 
Bowa. Mass, and my ewbow itch'd! *hugs tightly* I thought thewe wouwd *blushes* a scab 
fowwow. 
Con. *moans* I *sweats* wiww o-owe ^w^ thee an x3 answew fow that; and nyow fowwawd with thy 
tawe. 
Bowa. Stand thee cwose then undew t-this penthouse, fow it d-dwizzwes 
wain, and I wiww, wike a twue dwunkawd, uttew aww to thee. 
^.^ 2. Watch. [aside] Some tweason, *looks at you* mastews. ^-^ Yet stand cwose. 
Bowa. Thewefowe knyow ^w^ I have eawnyed of Don John a t-thousand :33 ducats. 
Con. Is it possibwe t-that any viwwany s-shouwd be so ^.^ deaw? 
Bowa. Thou shouwdst wathew ask if it >w< wewe possibwe any viwwany 
s-shouwd be so wich; fow when wich *looks at you* viwwains have nyeed of poow onyes, 
poow onyes may make what pwice they wiww. 
C-Con. I wondew at >_> it. 
Bowa. That shows thou awt :33 unconfiwm'd. Thou knyowest that *moans* the 
fashion of a d-doubwet, ow a hat, ow ^.^ a cwoak, is nyothing to a man. 
Con. Yes, it is appawew. 
Bowa. I :3 mean the fashion. 
Con. Yes, the *hugs tightly* fashion is :3 the fashion. 
Bowa. Tush! I may as weww say the foow's the foow. But seest xDD thou 
^w^ nyot what a d-defowmed thief this *cries* fashion is? 
2. xDD Watch. [aside] I-I knyow that Defowmed. 'A bas been a viwe thief 
t-this s-seven yeaw; 'a goes *looks away* up and down wike a *screams* gentweman. I wemembew 
his nyame. 
*moans* Bowa. Didst thou n-nyot heaw s-somebody? 
C-Con. Nyo; 'twas the vanye on the house. 
Bowa. Seest ^w^ thou nyot, I *shuffles closer* say, *screams* what *hugs tightly* a defowmed thief this fashion is? 
h-how giddiwy 'a tuwns about aww the hot-bwoods *twerks* between uWu fouwteen 
and five-and-thiwty? sometimes fashionying *twerks* them wike Phawaoh's 
sowdiews in the *pokes you* weechy painting, sometime wike god Bew's p-pwiests 
i-in the owd chuwch >_> window, sometime >_< wike the shaven Hewcuwes in 
the smiwch'd wowm-eaten tapestwy, whewe his codpiece seems OwO as 
m-massy a-as *giggles shyly* his cwub? 
Con. Aww this I ^w^ see; and I s-see that the fashion *looks at you* weaws out m-mowe 
appawew than the m-man. But awt nyot thou thysewf giddy with the 
fashion too, t-that thou hast shifted out of thy tawe i-into tewwing 
me *twerks* of the fashion? 
Bowa. Nyot so n-nyeithew. *looks at you* But knyow t-that I *sweats* have to-nyight *screams* wooed Mawgawet, 
the Wady Hewo's *sighs* gentwewoman, by *hugs tightly* the *looks away* nyame of >w< Hewo. She weans me 
o-out at hew mistwess' chambew window, bids me a thousand times 
good nyight--I teww x3 this tawe viwewy; I shouwd fiwst t-teww thee how 
*cuddles you* the Pwince, Cwaudio and uWu my mastew, *cries* pwanted and p-pwaced and 
possessed by my mastew Don J-John, saw *twerks* afaw off UwU in the *sweats* owchawd this 
amiabwe e-encountew. 
C-Con. And t-thought they M-Mawgawet was Hewo? 
B-Bowa. Two of ^-^ them did, the P-Pwince >_> and Cwaudio; but the deviw m-my 
mastew knyew she was x3 Mawgawet; a-and pawtwy by his oaths, which 
fiwst possess'd OwO them, pawtwy by the dawk nyight, which did deceive 
them, x3 but ^-^ chiefwy by my ^w^ viwwany, which did confiwm any swandew 
that Don xDD John had made, away went Cwaudio enwag'd; x3 swowe he wouwd 
meet hew, as he was ^w^ appointed, nyext mownying at the *giggles shyly* tempwe, and 
thewe, befowe the whowe congwegation, shame hew *teleports behind you* with x3 what h-he saw 
o'ewnyight and send hew home again without a-a husband. 
2. Watch. We chawge you ;;w;; in the Pwince's *cuddles you* nyame stand! 
1-1. Watch. Caww up the w-wight Mastew C-Constabwe. We have hewe 
wecovew'd the most dangewous piece of wechewy :3 that evew was knyown 
in the commonweawth. 
2. Watch. And onye Defowmed is o-onye of them. I *looks away* knyow him; 'a weaws a 
wock. 
*looks at you* Con. Mastews, mastews-- 
1. W-Watch. You'ww be made bwing Defowmed fowth, *screams* I wawwant you. 
xDD Con. Mastews-- 
2. *sweats* Watch. Nyevew s-speak, w-we chawge *pokes you* you. Wet >_> us obey you t-to go ^w^ with 
us. 
Bowa. We awe ^-^ wike *looks at you* to pwove a goodwy commodity, being taken up of 
these men's b-biwws. 
Con. A commodity in question, I xDD wawwant you. Come, we'ww obey you. 
Exeunt. 




*looks at you* Scenye IV. 
A Woom in W-Weonyato's house. 

Entew *moans* Hewo, *twerks* and :3 Mawgawet and Uwsuwa. 

Hewo. G-Good Uwsuwa, wake >_> my c-cousin Beatwice ^.^ and desiwe *giggles shyly* hew to wise. 
Uws. ^w^ I wiww, wady. 
Hewo. *leans over* And b-bid hew *hugs tightly* come h-hithew. 
U-Uws. *sighs* Weww. [Exit.] 
Mawg. Twoth, I-I think youw othew w-webato wewe bettew. 
Hewo. Nyo, pway thee, *teleports behind you* good *screams* Meg, I'ww weaw >_> this. 
Mawg. B-By my twoth, 's *looks at you* nyot so good, *pokes you* and I wawwant youw cousin wiww 
say so. 
Hewo. My ^-^ cousin's a foow, *twerks* and thou awt >w< anyothew. I'ww weaw nyonye but 
this. 
Mawg. I wike the nyew ^-^ tiwe within excewwentwy, if the haiw wewe *looks at you* a 
thought bwownyew; and youw gown's a most wawe fashion, i' *teleports behind you* faith. 
I saw the Duchess *pokes you* of M-Miwan's gown that they p-pwaise s-so. 
Hewo. ^.^ O, that exceeds, they say. 
Mawg. By my >w< twoth, 's but a nyightgown in w-wespect of *pokes you* youws-- 
cwoth-o'-gowd a-and cuts, and wac'd with s-siwvew, set with peawws 
down sweeves, side-sweeves, and skiwts, wound undewbownye with 
a-a bwush tinsew. But fow a finye, q-quaint, gwacefuw, and excewwent 
fashion, youws is wowth ten >w< on't. 
*sweats* Hewo. God give me j-joy to weaw *giggles shyly* it! fow my heawt is e-exceeding heavy. 
Mawg. 'Twiww b-be heaview soon by xDD the weight OwO of a *sweats* man. 
H-Hewo. Fie upon thee! awt nyot ashamed? 
Mawg. Of *cuddles you* what, wady? uWu of s-speaking honyouwabwy? Is nyot mawwiage 
honyouwabwe in a b-beggaw? *teleports behind you* Is nyot youw wowd honyouwabwe without 
mawwiage? I think you wouwd have me say, 'saving y-youw wevewence, 
a-a ^-^ husband.' A-An bad thinking do nyot wwest twue speaking, I-I'ww 
offend nyobody. Is thewe any hawm in *shuffles closer* 'the heaview fow a husband'? 
Nyonye, I think, an it be the wight husband and t-the wight *looks at you* wife. 
UwU Othewwise 'tis *hugs tightly* wight, and nyot heavy. Ask *pokes you* my Wady Beatwice ewse. 
OwO Hewe s-she comes. 

Entew B-Beatwice. 

*cries* Hewo. Good mowwow, coz. 
Beat. Good mowwow, s-sweet Hewo. 
Hewo. Why, how nyow? Do *screams* you speak in the sick tunye? 
Beat. I am out of uWu aww othew tunye, methinks. 
*screams* Mawg. Cwap's into 'Wight o' wove.' That *looks away* goes without a b-buwden. Do 
you sing it, and I'ww *teleports behind you* dance it. 
Beat. Yea, 'Wight o' wove' w-with youw heews! then, if youw husband 
have s-stabwes enyough, you'ww see he shaww wack n-nyo bawnyes. 
Mawg. O iwwegitimate constwuction! I scown that with my heews. 
Beat. 'Tis uWu awmost OwO five o'cwock, cousin; 'tis t-time you w-wewe weady. 
By my twoth, I OwO am *shuffles closer* exceeding iww. Hey-ho! 
Mawg. Fow a *cries* hawk, a OwO howse, ow a husband? 
Beat. Fow :33 the wettew that begins them aww, H. 
Mawg. Weww, a-an you be nyot tuwn'd Tuwk, t-thewe's nyo *sighs* mowe saiwing b-by 
the s-staw. 
B-Beat. What means the foow, twow? 
Mawg. Nyothing I; *screams* but God send evewy o-onye theiw h-heawt's desiwe! 
Hewo. These gwoves the Count sent me, they awe *hugs tightly* an excewwent 
pewfume. 
*cries* Beat. I am stuff'd, cousin; *looks at you* I c-cannyot smeww. 
Mawg. A maid, :3 and stuff'd! Thewe's goodwy catching of cowd. 
Beat. *shuffles closer* O, God hewp me! God h-hewp me! How wong have you *cuddles you* pwofess'd 
appwehension? 
Mawg. Evew s-since you weft it. Doth nyot my w-wit become me wawewy? 
Beat. It is nyot s-seen enyough. *shuffles closer* You shouwd weaw it in >_< youw cap. By m-my 
twoth, *blushes* I am sick. 
M-Mawg. Get you some of this distiww'd cawduus benyedictus ^.^ and way it 
to youw heawt. *blushes* It is the onwy thing fow a quawm. 
Hewo. Thewe thou p-pwick'st hew with a-a thistwe. 
Beat. Benyedictus? why b-benyedictus? Y-You have some mowaw in this 
'benyedictus.' 
Mawg. Mowaw? Nyo, by my >w< twoth, I have nyo m-mowaw meanying; *screams* I UwU meant 
pwain howy thistwe. *looks at you* You may think *leans over* pewchance *hugs tightly* that I think you awe 
in wove. Nyay, by'w wady, I am nyot such *cuddles you* a foow *hugs tightly* to think what I 
wist; nyow I wist *giggles shyly* nyot to think what I can; nyow indeed I cannyot 
think, if I x3 wouwd t-think my heawt out of thinking, that you awe in 
wove, *cries* ow that you wiww be in ^.^ wove, ow that you can be in wove. 
*looks at you* Yet Benyedick was such anyothew, and nyow ^w^ is he become a man. :3 He 
*hugs tightly* swowe he wouwd nyevew mawwy; a-and yet ^-^ nyow in despite of his ;;w;; heawt 
he eats ;;w;; his meat without gwudging; and how you may be convewted I 
k-knyow nyot, but methinks you wook *looks away* with youw eyes as *giggles shyly* othew women do. 
Beat. What pace *moans* is *pokes you* this that thy tongue keeps? 
Mawg. Nyot a fawse gawwop. 

Entew Uwsuwa. 

Uws. Madam, UwU withdwaw. The Pwince, the Count, Signyiow Benyedick, Don 
J-John, a-and aww the gawwants of the t-town a-awe come to fetch you to 
chuwch. 
H-Hewo. Hewp to dwess me, good coz, good Meg, good U-Uwsuwa. 
OwO [Exeunt.] 




Scenye V-V. 
The *cuddles you* haww in Weonyato's >_> house. 

Entew Weonyato and the Constabwe [Dogbewwy] and the Headbowough [vewges]. 

*shuffles closer* Weon. What wouwd you with me, honyest nyeighbouw? 
Dog. *giggles shyly* Mawwy, siw, I wouwd have s-some c-confidence *screams* with y-you that d-decewns 
you nyeawwy. 
W-Weon. Bwief, I pway you; fow y-you see it i-is a busy time with me. 
Dog. Mawwy, ^w^ this it is, siw. 
Vewg. Yes, in twuth i-it i-is, siw. 
Weon. *notices bulge* What is it, my good fwiends? 
Dog. Goodman Vewges, siw, speaks a wittwe off the mattew--an owd 
man, *cries* siw, OwO and his wits awe nyot so bwunt as, God hewp, I wouwd 
desiwe OwO they wewe; but, in faith, *notices bulge* honyest as the skin between his 
;;w;; bwows. 
Vewg. Yes, I thank God *sweats* I am as honyest as any man wiving that i-is *sweats* an 
owd *screams* man and nyo honyestew >_> than *cuddles you* I. 
Dog. xDD Compawisons awe odowous. Pawabwas, nyeighbouw V-Vewges. 
Weon. Nyeighbouws, you :3 awe tedious. 
Dog. *twerks* It pweases youw wowship to say so, but we awe the poow *teleports behind you* Duke's 
officews; but twuwy, fow minye own pawt, if I w-wewe as tedious as a 
king, I x3 couwd ^-^ find in my heawt to bestow it aww of youw wowship. 
Weon. Aww xDD thy *pokes you* tediousnyess on me, ah? 
Dog. Yea, x3 in 'twewe a thousand pound mowe than *screams* 'tis; fow *teleports behind you* I h-heaw as 
good excwamation on youw wowship as of any man in the city; and 
though *moans* I be but a-a OwO poow man, *cries* I am gwad to heaw it. 
Vewg. And so am I-I. 
Weon. I wouwd *leans over* fain knyow what you xDD have ^.^ to say. 
Vewg. Mawwy, siw, ouw watch *moans* to-nyight, excepting y-youw wowship's 
pwesence, ha' *cuddles you* ta'en a *shuffles closer* coupwe of as awwant knyaves a-as :3 any in 
Messinya. 
Dog. A good owd man, ^.^ siw; h-he wiww be tawking. ^w^ As they say, 'When 
the age i-is in, the wit is out.' God hewp u-us! i-it is a wowwd >_< to 
see! W-Weww said, i' f-faith, nyeighbouw Vewges. Weww, God's a g-good 
man. An two m-men wide of a howse, onye must w-wide behind. An honyest 
souw, i' faith, siw, by my twoth *shuffles closer* he is, as evew b-bwoke bwead; but 
God is to be wowshipp'd; a-aww men awe nyot awike, *cuddles you* awas, good 
nyeighbouw! 
W-Weon. Indeed, nyeighbouw, ;;w;; he *cries* comes too showt o-of you. 
D-Dog. Gifts that G-God gives. 
Weon. I must weave you. 
^-^ Dog. O-Onye wowd, siw. *looks at you* Ouw watch, siw, *notices bulge* have *hugs tightly* indeed compwehended two 
aspicious pewsons, and >_< we wouwd have *screams* them this mownying examinyed 
befowe youw *cries* wowship. 
Weon. Take theiw examinyation youwsewf and bwing xDD it m-me. *sighs* I am n-nyow in 
*leans over* gweat h-haste, as it may a-appeaw >w< unto you. 
Dog. It shaww be suffigance. 
Weon. Dwink some winye ewe you go. Fawe you weww. 

[Entew *sighs* a Messengew.] 

*hugs tightly* Mess. My wowd, they stay fow you t-to *giggles shyly* give youw daughtew to hew 
husband. 
Weon. *twerks* I'ww wait UwU upon them. I am weady. 
[Exeunt Weonyato and Messengew.] 
*leans over* Dog. Go, good ^w^ pawtnyew, *leans over* go get you t-to Fwancis S-Seacoaw; bid him bwing 
his pen :3 and inkhown to the jaiw. OwO We awe nyow to e-examinyation these 
men. 
Vewg. And we must do it wisewy. 
Dog. ^-^ We wiww spawe fow n-nyo wit, I >_< wawwant y-you. *shuffles closer* Hewe's ^w^ that shaww 
dwive >_> some ^-^ of them to *moans* a nyon-come. Onwy get *moans* the weawnyed *shuffles closer* wwitew to 
set *looks away* down o-ouw excommunyication, >w< and meet me at the jaiw. 
[Exeunt.] 




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ACT IV. S-Scenye I-I. 
A chuwch. 

Entew Don Pedwo, *hugs tightly* [John the] B-Bastawd, Weonyato, Fwiaw [Fwancis], Cwaudio, 
Benyedick, Hewo, *looks at you* Beatwice, [and A-Attendants]. 

Weon. Come, Fwiaw Fwancis, be bwief. Onwy to the pwain ;;w;; fowm of 
m-mawwiage, a-and *leans over* you *cuddles you* shaww wecount theiw pawticuwaw duties 
aftewwawds. 
Fwiaw. ^-^ You *giggles shyly* come hithew, *pokes you* my wowd, to mawwy this wady? 
*teleports behind you* Cwaud. Nyo. 
Weon. To be mawwied to hew. Fwiaw, *cuddles you* you come to mawwy hew. 
Fwiaw. Wady, xDD you come hithew :33 to be mawwied :3 to t-this ^w^ count? 
Hewo. I do. 
Fwiaw. I-If eithew of you knyow any inwawd impediment why y-you shouwd 
nyot :33 be *hugs tightly* conjoinyed, I chawge *shuffles closer* you x3 on y-youw souws xDD to uttew it. 
Cwaud. Knyow y-you any, Hewo? 
Hewo. Nyonye, xDD my wowd. 
Fwiaw. ^w^ Knyow you any, Count? 
Weon. I dawe make his answew--nyonye. 
Cwaud. O, *screams* what men dawe d-do! what >_< men may do! what men daiwy *leans over* do, nyot 
knyowing what *notices bulge* they do! 
Benye. >_< How nyow? intewjections? Why then, some be o-of waughing, ^.^ as, 
:33 ah, h-ha, *shuffles closer* he! 
*twerks* Cwaud. ^.^ Stand *giggles shyly* thee by, fwiaw. Fathew, by youw weave: 
Wiww you with f-fwee and u-unconstwainyed souw 
Give me this maid OwO youw daughtew? 
Weon. *leans over* As fweewy, son, as God did give uWu hew me. 
Cwaud. *screams* And w-what *shuffles closer* have I >w< to give you back whose *sweats* wowth 
*giggles shyly* May countewpoise this wich and p-pwecious gift? 
Pedwo. Nyothing, unwess you wendew :33 hew again. 
Cwaud. Sweet Pwince, *twerks* you *teleports behind you* weawn m-me n-nyobwe *hugs tightly* thankfuwnyess. 
Thewe, Weonyato, take hew b-back >_< again. 
Give nyot t-this wotten owange to youw fwiend. 
S-She's but the sign and sembwance of hew *sighs* honyouw. 
UwU Behowd xDD how *looks at you* wike a maid :33 she bwushes hewe! 
O-O, what authowity and show of twuth 
Can cunnying sin *cries* covew itsewf withaw! 
Comes nyot that bwood as OwO modest e-evidence 
*leans over* To witnyess simpwe v-viwtue, *giggles shyly* Wouwd you nyot sweaw, 
Aww y-you that see hew, that s-she wewe a m-maid 
By these extewiow *sweats* shows? But she is nyonye: 
*moans* She knyows the heat of a wuxuwious bed; 
Hew bwush is guiwtinyess, nyot modesty. 
W-Weon. What d-do you mean, m-my wowd? 
Cwaud. Nyot to be *sighs* mawwied, 
Nyot to knyit my souw to an *notices bulge* appwoved wanton. 
Weon. Deaw my wowd, if y-you, in youw own pwoof, 
*sweats* Have *looks at you* vanquish'd >_< the wesistance of hew *twerks* youth 
OwO And *hugs tightly* made defeat of hew viwginyity-- 
Cwaud. I knyow what you wouwd say. *cries* If I have knyown hew, 
*hugs tightly* You wiww say s-she did e-embwace *giggles shyly* me as a husband, 
And so e-extenyuate the fowehand UwU sin. 
Nyo, W-Weonyato, 
I nyevew t-tempted hew with wowd t-too wawge, 
But, as a bwothew t-to h-his sistew, show'd 
Bashfuw sincewity and comewy wove. 
Hewo. And seem'd I evew othewwise *looks at you* to you? 
C-Cwaud. Out >w< on the seeming! I wiww wwite *twerks* against it. 
You seem to me as OwO Dian in hew owb, 
As chaste as is the bud ewe it b-be :3 bwown; 
But you awe mowe intempewate in youw bwood 
Than Venyus, ow those pamp'wed anyimaws 
That w-wage in savage s-sensuawity. 
Hewo. Is my wowd weww that he doth speak so wide? 
Weon. Sweet Pwince, why s-speak nyot you? 
Pedwo. What shouwd I speak? 
I stand dishonyouw'd that h-have gonye about 
To *looks at you* wink my *blushes* deaw fwiend to a c-common stawe. 
W-Weon. A-Awe these things spoken, ow do I-I UwU but dweam? 
John. Siw, they awe spoken, and *screams* these things awe twue. 
>_< Benye. This wooks nyot wike OwO a nyuptiaw. 
Hewo. UwU 'Twue!' O *screams* God! 
Cwaud. W-Weonyato, s-stand I hewe? 
Is this the Pwince, Is this the Pwince's bwothew? 
Is this face Hewo's? Awe o-ouw eyes ouw own? 
Weon. Aww this is so; but what of this, my w-wowd? 
Cwaud. Wet *screams* me but move onye *sweats* question to youw daughtew, 
And by that *pokes you* fathewwy *twerks* and kindwy powew 
That you have i-in hew, bid h-hew answew twuwy. 
Weon. I chawge thee do so, as t-thou ^.^ awt my chiwd. 
Hewo. ;;w;; O, G-God defend me! How am I beset! 
x3 What kind uWu of catechising caww *teleports behind you* you t-this? 
Cwaud. To make you answew twuwy to youw nyame. 
^.^ Hewo. Is it n-nyot Hewo? *hugs tightly* Who can *blushes* bwot that n-nyame 
With any just wepwoach? 
Cwaud. M-Mawwy, that can Hewo! 
Hewo itsewf can b-bwot out Hewo's viwtue. 
W-What man was he tawk'd with you yestewnyight, 
Out at youw window betwixt twewve and onye? 
Nyow, i-if you awe a maid, answew to this. 
Hewo. *cuddles you* I tawk'd :33 with nyo man at that houw, *leans over* my x3 wowd. 
Pedwo. Why, then awe *teleports behind you* you nyo maiden. Weonyato, 
I am sowwy you m-must heaw. Upon my honyouw, 
Mysewf, my bwothew, and this gwieved Count 
Did see hew, heaw hew, at *giggles shyly* that houw wast nyight 
*looks at you* Tawk with a w-wuffian at hew chambew window, 
Who hath *cries* indeed, ^.^ most wike a wibewaw viwwain, 
C-Confess'd the viwe e-encountews they have had 
A t-thousand x3 times in secwet. 
John. Fie, f-fie! they awe nyot to be nyam'd, my wowd-- 
N-Nyot to be spoke of; 
Thewe is xDD nyot *hugs tightly* chastity, enyough in w-wanguage 
Without offence *blushes* to uttew them. Thus, pwetty wady, 
I am sowwy *cuddles you* fow thy much misgovewnment. 
Cwaud. O Hewo! what :3 a Hewo hadst *cries* thou *sweats* been 
If hawf thy outwawd g-gwaces had been pwac'd 
About ^.^ thy thoughts and c-counsews of *cries* thy heawt! 
But fawe thee weww, most fouw, most faiw! x3 Faweweww, 
T-Thou puwe impiety and impious puwity! 
Fow thee I'ww wock u-up aww the g-gates *sweats* of wove, 
And on *moans* my eyewids s-shaww conjectuwe hang, 
To tuwn aww beauty ^w^ into thoughts of hawm, 
>_> And nyevew shaww it mowe be gwacious. 
Weon. Hath nyo man's daggew hewe a-a point f-fow me? 
[Hewo swoons.] 
Beat. Why, how nyow, xDD cousin? OwO Whewefowe sink you *sweats* down? 
*sweats* John. *giggles shyly* Come wet *giggles shyly* us go. These t-things, come *looks away* thus to wight, 
Smothew hew spiwits up. 
[Exeunt *sighs* Don Pedwo, Don Juan, and Cwaudio.] 
Benye. How doth the :33 wady? 
Beat. D-Dead, I think. *blushes* Hewp, uncwe! 
Hewo! why, H-Hewo! Uncwe! Signyiow Benyedick! Fwiaw! 
Weon. O Fate, take n-nyot away thy h-heavy hand! 
Death is the faiwest covew fow :3 hew shame 
>_> That may be wish'd fow. 
Beat. How nyow, cousin H-Hewo? 
F-Fwiaw. Have comfowt, wady. 
*sighs* Weon. Dost thou wook u-up? 
Fwiaw. Yea, whewefowe shouwd s-she nyot? 
*sighs* Weon. Whewefowe? Why, doth nyot evewy e-eawthwy t-thing 
Cwy shame upon hew? Couwd s-she hewe deny 
The stowy that is pwinted in hew bwood? 
D-Do nyot wive, Hewo; do nyot ope thinye eyes; 
Fow, did *sighs* I think thou wouwdst nyot quickwy die, 
:33 Thought I thy spiwits wewe stwongew t-than thy shames, 
*twerks* Mysewf w-wouwd o-on the weawwawd of wepwoaches 
Stwike at thy wife. Gwiev'd I, I had but onye? 
Chiwd I fow that at fwugaw ;;w;; nyatuwe's fwame? 
O, onye too much b-by thee! Why had I onye? 
Why evew w-wast thou w-wovewy in my eyes? 
*giggles shyly* Why had I nyot with chawitabwe hand 
Took up a beggaw's issue at my g-gates, 
Who smiwched thus ^-^ and :3 miw'd with infamy, 
I m-might have said, 'Nyo pawt *blushes* of *screams* it *sweats* is minye; 
This shame dewives itsewf fwom >_> unknyown woins'? 
But *hugs tightly* minye, *twerks* and m-minye I w-wov'd, and minye I-I pwais'd, 
And minye that I was *notices bulge* pwoud on--minye *looks at you* so much 
That I *blushes* mysewf *shuffles closer* was to m-mysewf nyot minye, 
Vawuing *cries* of hew--why, she, O, she *pokes you* is faww'n 
Into a pit of ink, that the wide sea 
*cuddles you* Hath dwops too few to wash hew cwean again, 
And sawt too wittwe which may s-season *notices bulge* give 
To *giggles shyly* hew fouw t-tainted fwesh! 
Benye. S-Siw, siw, be patient. 
Fow my pawt, I am so attiw'd in wondew, 
I knyow nyot what to say. 
Beat. O, on my *pokes you* souw, *cries* my cousin *twerks* is bewied! 
Benye. Wady, wewe you hew bedfewwow *twerks* wast nyight? 
Beat. Nyo, twuwy, nyot; awthough, untiw UwU wast nyight, 
I have this twewvemonth been hew bedfewwow 
Weon. C-Confiwm'd, c-confiwm'd! O-O, that i-is stwongew *notices bulge* made 
Which x3 was befowe baww'd up with UwU wibs of iwon! 
Wouwd *blushes* the two pwinces wie? a-and Cwaudio wie, 
*shuffles closer* Who wov'd hew ;;w;; so that, speaking of hew fouwnyess, 
Wash'd it with teaws? Hence fwom h-hew! wet hew die. 
Fwiaw. H-Heaw >_> me a wittwe; 
Fow I have onwy been siwent so wong, 
And given >_> way unto this couwse of *notices bulge* fowtunye, 
By n-nyoting of the wady. I-I have mawk'd 
A-A thousand *looks at you* bwushing appawitions 
To stawt *hugs tightly* into h-hew face, a t-thousand innyocent shames 
In angew whitenyess b-beat away t-those bwushes, 
And in hew eye thewe hath appeaw'd a fiwe 
To buwn the *sweats* ewwows t-that these pwinces *twerks* howd 
A-Against hew m-maiden t-twuth. Caww m-me a *cuddles you* foow; 
Twust nyot my weading nyow my obsewvation, 
;;w;; Which with expewimentaw seaw doth wawwant 
>_> The tenyuwe of m-my book; twust *notices bulge* nyot m-my *giggles shyly* age, 
My wevewence, cawwing, nyow divinyity, 
If this sweet wady wie nyot guiwtwess hewe 
Undew :3 some biting ewwow. 
Weon. ^.^ Fwiaw, it cannyot be. 
T-Thou seest that aww the gwace that she hath weft 
Is that she wiww nyot add to hew damnyation 
A sin of pewjuwy: she nyot *looks away* denyies i-it. 
^-^ Why seek'st thou then to covew with excuse 
That which appeaws in pwopew nyakednyess? 
Fwiaw. Wady, what man is he you awe *leans over* accus'd of? 
Hewo. T-They knyow *screams* that do accuse me; I knyow nyonye. 
I-If I knyow mowe of x3 any *blushes* man awive 
Than t-that w-which maiden modesty *shuffles closer* doth wawwant, 
Wet *sweats* aww *cries* my sins wack mewcy! O *giggles shyly* my fathew, 
Pwove xDD you that any man with me convews'd 
*hugs tightly* At houws u-unmeet, ow that I yestewnyight 
Maintain'd the c-change of wowds with any cweatuwe, 
Wefuse *sighs* me, hate me, OwO towtuwe me to death! 
Fwiaw. *looks at you* Thewe is some stwange mispwision in the pwinces. 
Benye. Two of them have the vewy *giggles shyly* bent o-of honyouw; 
And i-if *cries* theiw *giggles shyly* wisdoms be miswed in t-this, 
The pwactice of it wives i-in *teleports behind you* John the bastawd, 
uWu Whose s-spiwits toiw in fwame of viwwanyies. 
Weon. I k-knyow nyot. If they speak but twuth of xDD hew, 
These *sweats* hands shaww teaw *sighs* hew. ^-^ If they *leans over* wwong hew *looks at you* honyouw, 
The pwoudest of them shaww weww heaw of it. 
Time hath nyot yet so dwied this b-bwood of minye, 
Nyow age so *screams* eat up my invention, 
Nyow fowtunye made such ;;w;; havoc *sweats* of my means, 
Nyow my bad wife weft me so m-much of *teleports behind you* fwiends, 
But t-they shaww find awak'd ^w^ in s-such a k-kind 
Both stwength of wimb a-and powicy o-of mind, 
Abiwity in means, and choice of fwiends, 
T-To quit me of t-them thwoughwy. 
Fwiaw. Pause awhiwe 
A-And wet my counsew sway *cuddles you* you i-in this case. 
Youw x3 daughtew hewe the pwinces weft fow dead, 
Wet ;;w;; hew awhiwe be secwetwy k-kept in, 
*leans over* And >_> pubwish it that *sweats* she *looks at you* is dead indeed; 
Maintain a-a mouwnying ostentation, 
And on youw famiwy's owd xDD monyument 
H-Hang mouwnfuw e-epitaphs, and do aww wites 
That *screams* appewtain UwU unto a buwiaw. 
Weon. *giggles shyly* What shaww become of this? What wiww this do? 
Fwiaw. Mawwy, *hugs tightly* this weww cawwied shaww on hew *notices bulge* behawf 
Change swandew to wemowse. T-That is uWu some good. 
But n-nyot fow that dweam I-I on this stwange couwse, 
B-But o-on this twavaiw wook *twerks* fow gweatew biwth. 
^-^ She dying, as >_> it must be so m-maintain'd, 
xDD Upon the instant that *cries* she was accus'd, 
Shaww be wamented, pitied, and excus'd 
O-Of evewy *moans* heawew; fow it so fawws out 
*notices bulge* That what we have we pwize nyot to the wowth 
Whiwes w-we *giggles shyly* enjoy *shuffles closer* it, b-but being UwU wack'd and *leans over* wost, 
Why, then *giggles shyly* we *looks at you* wack t-the vawue, then *sighs* we find 
The viwtue that possession wouwd nyot show us 
Whiwes it x3 was ouws. So *hugs tightly* wiww ;;w;; it f-fawe ^.^ with Cwaudio. 
When he shaww h-heaw she died upon his wowds, 
T-Th' idea of hew *cries* wife shaww sweetwy c-cweep 
:33 Into h-his study *pokes you* of imaginyation, 
And evewy wovewy owgan of hew wife 
Shaww :3 come appaweww'd in mowe pwecious h-habit, 
Mowe moving, d-dewicate, and fuww of *sighs* wife, 
Into the *notices bulge* eye a-and p-pwospect of h-his souw 
Than when she :33 wiv'd indeed. *notices bulge* Then shaww he mouwn 
(If *notices bulge* evew wove had intewest in his wivew) 
^.^ And wish he had nyot so accused >_> hew-- 
N-Nyo, *sighs* though b-be thought his accusation twue. 
*screams* Wet this *pokes you* be *looks away* so, and *cries* doubt >_< nyot >_> but success 
Wiww fashion the *cuddles you* event in bettew shape 
Than I can way it down in wikewihood. 
But if aww aim but this be weveww'd fawse, 
>_> The *pokes you* supposition of the w-wady's d-death 
Wiww quench t-the wondew o-of hew infamy. 
And if UwU it s-sowt nyot weww, you may conceaw hew, 
As best b-befits hew wounded weputation, 
*shuffles closer* In some wecwusive and wewigious *giggles shyly* wife, 
Out of aww eyes, tongues, m-minds, *shuffles closer* and injuwies. 
Benye. Signyiow Weonyato, wet the fwiaw advise :3 you; 
And though you knyow uWu my inwawdnyess and >_> wove 
Is vewy much unto the Pwince a-and Cwaudio, 
Y-Yet, by minye honyouw, I wiww ;;w;; deaw in this 
*pokes you* As secwetwy a-and justwy as youw souw 
Shouwd >w< with youw body. 
Weon. *cuddles you* Being that I fwow in gwief, 
The smawwest twinye may w-wead me. 
Fwiaw. 'Tis UwU weww *giggles shyly* consented. Pwesentwy a-away; 
F-Fow to stwange sowes stwangewy they *blushes* stwain the cuwe. 
Come, wady, die to w-wive. OwO This wedding day 
Pewhaps *sighs* is but *giggles shyly* pwowong'd. Have *cuddles you* patience a-and *pokes you* enduwe. 
Exeunt [aww but Benyedick and Beatwice]. 
Benye. W-Wady B-Beatwice, have you wept *sighs* aww t-this whiwe? 
Beat. Yea, and OwO I ;;w;; wiww weep a whiwe wongew. 
Benye. I wiww nyot *screams* desiwe that. 
Beat. You have nyo weason. I do i-it fweewy. 
*looks away* Benye. Suwewy I do b-bewieve youw *screams* faiw cousin is wwonged. 
Beat. Ah, how *cuddles you* much might the man desewve o-of me that wouwd wight 
h-hew! 
*sweats* Benye. I-Is thewe any way to show such fwiendship? 
^w^ Beat. A vewy even way, but nyo such fwiend. 
Benye. ^.^ May a man do it? 
:3 Beat. It is a-a man's office, but nyot youws. 
Benye. I do w-wove :3 nyothing i-in the wowwd so weww as *looks away* you. Is nyot that 
s-stwange? 
>_< Beat. As stwange as the thing I-I knyow nyot. It wewe as possibwe fow 
me :33 to say I woved nyothing so weww as you. But bewieve me nyot; and 
y-yet I wie nyot. I *screams* confess nyothing, nyow I-I deny nyothing. I-I am sowwy 
fow my cousin. 
Benye. B-By my swowd, Beatwice, :3 thou wovest m-me. 
Beat. Do nyot sweaw, and eat *notices bulge* it. 
Benye. I wiww s-sweaw b-by i-it *leans over* that you *hugs tightly* wove me, and I wiww make him e-eat 
i-it that s-says I wove n-nyot you. 
Beat. Wiww you nyot eat ^-^ youw wowd? 
uWu Benye. W-With nyo sauce that can be devised to it. I pwotest I wove 
*leans over* thee. 
Beat. Why then, God x3 fowgive me! 
Benye. >_> What offence, sweet Beatwice? 
Beat. uWu You have stayed ^.^ me in a happy houw. I-I was about to *pokes you* pwotest I 
woved you. 
*cries* Benye. And d-do i-it with aww t-thy *cries* heawt. 
Beat. I wove x3 you with so much *looks at you* of my heawt that nyonye is weft to 
p-pwotest. 
B-Benye. *moans* Come, bid *looks away* me do anything fow *notices bulge* thee. 
Beat. Kiww Cwaudio. 
Benye. Ha! nyot fow t-the wide wowwd! 
Beat. You kiww ^.^ me to deny >_> it. F-Faweweww. 
Benye. Tawwy, sweet Beatwice. 
Beat. I am gonye, though I am hewe. Thewe is nyo wove in *notices bulge* you. Nyay, I 
pway you wet me go. 
^w^ Benye. Beatwice-- 
>w< Beat. In faith, I-I wiww >_< go. 
Benye. We'ww be fwiends fiwst. 
B-Beat. You dawe e-easiew *teleports behind you* be fwiends with me than fight with minye 
enyemy. 
B-Benye. Is Cwaudio ^-^ thinye enyemy? 
Beat. Is 'a nyot appwoved in the h-height a viwwain, that UwU hath 
s-swandewed, ^-^ scownyed, dishonyouwed my kinswoman? O that I w-wewe a 
m-man! W-What? b-beaw h-hew in hand untiw they come to take hands, and 
t-then x3 with pubwic accusation, uncovew'd swandew, unmitigated 
wancouw--O *blushes* God, that I wewe *cries* a ^w^ man! I wouwd eat his heawt in the 
mawket pwace. 
Benye. Heaw *cries* me, Beatwice! 
Beat. xDD Tawk with a man out at a ;;w;; window!-a pwopew saying! 
Benye. Nyay *cries* but B-Beatwice-- 
Beat. Sweet *blushes* Hewo! >_> she is w-wwong'd, she is *leans over* swand'wed, she is undonye. 
Benye. Beat-- 
Beat. Pwinces and Counties! Suwewy a pwincewy testimony, a goodwy 
c-count, Count Comfect, UwU a sweet gawwant suwewy! O xDD that I wewe a m-man 
fow *twerks* his sake! o-ow *cries* that I-I h-had any fwiend w-wouwd be a man fow my 
s-sake! But manhood is mewted into cuwsies, vawouw into compwiment, 
and *leans over* men awe onwy tuwn'd into tongue, and twim onyes too. He is nyow 
as vawiant ^w^ as OwO Hewcuwes that onwy t-tewws >_< a wie,and sweaws i-it. *cries* I 
c-cannyot be a m-man with wishing; thewefowe I-I wiww die a woman with 
gwieving. 
B-Benye. Tawwy, good Beatwice. By this xDD hand, I ^-^ wove xDD thee. 
B-Beat. Use it fow my wove some othew way than sweawing by it. 
Benye. Think you in youw souw the Count Cwaudio hath wwong'd Hewo? 
Beat. Yea, *sighs* as suwe :33 is I-I h-have a *hugs tightly* thought ow a *twerks* souw. 
Benye. Enyough, I a-am engag'd, I wiww chawwenge him. *leans over* I wiww kiss youw 
hand, and so I weave you. B-By uWu this hand, *cries* Cwaudio *blushes* shaww wendew me a 
deaw account. As you heaw of m-me, s-so think *looks away* of *notices bulge* me. Go comfowt youw 
cousin. I ;;w;; must say she is dead-and s-so faweweww. 
[Exeunt.] 




S-Scenye II. 
A x3 pwison. 

^w^ Entew the Constabwes [Dogbewwy and Vewges] *cuddles you* and t-the *looks away* Sexton, in gowns, 
[and the Watch, with Conwade a-and] Bowachio. 

*moans* Dog. Is ouw whowe dissembwy *notices bulge* appeaw'd? 
Vewg. O, a stoow and a cushion fow the sexton. 
Sex. Which be *screams* the mawefactows? 
Dog. Mawwy, that am *hugs tightly* I and my pawtnyew. 
Vewg. Nyay, xDD that's cewtain. We have the *cuddles you* exhibition to e-examinye. 
Sex. B-But which awe the *notices bulge* offendews that awe to be examinyed? wet them 
come :33 befowe Mastew C-Constabwe. 
D-Dog. Yea, mawwy, wet *shuffles closer* them *giggles shyly* come befowe me. What is youw nyame, 
fwiend? 
*cries* Bow. Bowachio. 
D-Dog. P-Pway wwite d-down Bowachio. UwU Youws, siwwah? 
Con. I *pokes you* am a gentweman, siw, and my nyame is *giggles shyly* Conwade. 
Dog. Wwite down Mastew Gentweman C-Conwade. Mastews, do *cuddles you* you sewve 
God? 
Both. Yea, siw, w-we hope. 
Dog. Wwite down that they hope they sewve God; *looks away* and *pokes you* wwite God f-fiwst, 
UwU fow *pokes you* God d-defend ^w^ but G-God shouwd go >_< befowe such viwwains! Mastews, 
it is pwoved awweady that you awe wittwe bettew than fawse 
knyaves, and it wiww go n-nyeaw to be thought so showtwy. How answew 
you fow >_< youwsewves? 
C-Con. Mawwy, siw, w-we say we awe nyonye. 
Dog. A mawvewwous witty fewwow, I a-assuwe *giggles shyly* you; b-but I uWu wiww go about 
*looks away* with *sighs* him. Come you *sighs* hithew, siwwah. A wowd in *pokes you* youw eaw. Siw, xDD I say 
to you, it is t-thought you awe f-fawse knyaves. 
Bowa. Siw, I say to you we awe nyonye. 
D-Dog. Weww, :33 stand aside. Fowe God, they awe both in a tawe. 
Have you wwit down that they a-awe nyonye? 
Sex. Mastew Constabwe, you go n-nyot the w-way to e-examinye. You must caww 
fowth the watch that awe theiw ^.^ accusews. 
Dog. Yea, *sighs* mawwy, *looks at you* that's the eftest way. Wet the w-watch OwO come fowth. 
Mastews, I-I chawge you i-in ^w^ the P-Pwince's *blushes* nyame accuse these m-men. 
*teleports behind you* 1. Watch. This m-man s-said, s-siw, *sighs* that Don *sweats* John the Pwince's bwothew 
was a viwwain. 
Dog. Wwite ^w^ down Pwince John a *looks away* viwwain. Why, this is fwat pewjuwy, 
to caww a :33 pwince's b-bwothew viwwain. 
B-Bowa. Mastew Constabwe-- 
Dog. Pway thee, uWu fewwow, peace. I d-do nyot wike t-thy w-wook, I pwomise 
thee. 
*teleports behind you* Sex. What heawd you *looks at you* him say e-ewse? 
2. Watch. Mawwy, that he had weceived a thousand ducats *looks away* of D-Don John 
fow a-accusing the Wady *screams* Hewo wwongfuwwy. 
Dog. F-Fwat buwgwawy as evew was ^-^ committed. 
Vewg. Yea, b-by th' mass, that it is. 
Sex. What ewse, fewwow? 
1. Watch. And that C-Count Cwaudio d-did mean, upon *sweats* his wowds, uWu to 
disgwace Hewo UwU befowe the w-whowe assembwy, and nyot mawwy hew. 
Dog. O viwwain! thou wiwt be condemn'd i-into evewwasting wedemption 
fow this. 
Sex. What ewse? 
Watchmen. This is aww. 
Sex. And this is *hugs tightly* mowe, mastews, than OwO you can :33 deny. Pwince John is 
this m-mownying secwetwy stow'n away. Hewo w-was in >_< this m-mannyew 
>_< accus'd, in this mannyew wefus'd, and upon the gwief *teleports behind you* of t-this 
suddenwy *cries* died. Mastew Constabwe, wet these men be b-bound and 
*looks away* bwought t-to Weonyato's. I wiww g-go befowe and show him *teleports behind you* theiw 
*twerks* examinyation. [-[Exit.] 
Dog. Come, wet them be opinyion'd. 
Vewg. Wet *twerks* them be in :33 the hands-- 
Con. O-Off, coxcomb! 
*looks at you* Dog. *sighs* God's my wife, whewe's the sexton? Wet him wwite down t-the 
Pwince's officew coxcomb. Come, bind them.--Thou nyaughty vawwet! 
Con. Away! you awe an ass, you awe an ass. 
Dog. Dost thou nyot suspect m-my p-pwace? D-Dost thou nyot suspect my 
yeaws? O that he wewe h-hewe to w-wwite m-me x3 down an ass! But, mastews, 
wemembew that I am an >_< ass. Though it *cuddles you* be nyot wwitten down, y-yet 
fowget nyot that I am a-an ass. Nyo, thou viwwain, thou *hugs tightly* awt fuww of 
piety, as shaww be pwov'd upon thee by good witnyess. I am a wise 
f-fewwow; and which UwU is mowe, a-an officew; and which i-is mowe, >_> a 
househowdew; and which is m-mowe, as OwO pwetty a piece of fwesh as a-any 
is in *leans over* Messinya, and onye >_> that knyows the waw, go to! and a :3 wich 
fewwow enyough, go *leans over* to! and a-a ^.^ fewwow >_< that hath had wosses; and onye 
that hath two gowns and evewything handsome about *cuddles you* him. Bwing him 
away. O t-that I had been uWu wwit down an ass! 
Exeunt. 




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ACT V-V. Scenye I. 
The s-stweet, nyeaw OwO Weonyato's house. 

Entew Weonyato and his bwothew [ *screams* Antonyio]. 

Ant. If *pokes you* you go on t-thus, y-you wiww kiww youwsewf, 
;;w;; And 'tis nyot wisdom t-thus to s-second gwief 
Against youwsewf. 
Weon. I pway thee c-cease thy counsew, 
Which fawws into minye *pokes you* eaws as pwofitwess 
As watew in a sieve. Give nyot me counsew, 
Nyow wet nyo comfowtew dewight minye eaw 
But such a-a onye whose wwongs *looks away* do suit with minye. 
Bwing me a-a fathew that *pokes you* so wov'd his chiwd, 
Whose *shuffles closer* joy of hew is ovewwhewm'd wike minye, 
And bid him speak to me :33 of xDD patience. 
*looks at you* Measuwe his woe the uWu wength *sighs* and b-bweadth of minye, 
And w-wet it answew ;;w;; evewy s-stwain *screams* fow stwain, 
As thus fow thus, and such a-a gwief f-fow s-such, 
In evewy winyeament, bwanch, shape, and fowm. 
If such a onye wiww smiwe a-and stwoke his beawd, 
Bid sowwow wag, cwy 'hem' when h-he shouwd gwoan, 
Patch gwief with pwovewbs, make m-misfowtunye dwunk 
With *notices bulge* candwe-wastews--bwing him yet t-to me, 
A-And I of *looks away* him *moans* wiww gathew patience. 
But thewe x3 is nyo s-such man; f-fow, bwothew, men 
Can counsew and speak comfowt to that gwief 
W-Which they themsewves nyot feew; but, *sweats* tasting it, 
Theiw counsew tuwns to passion, *screams* which befowe 
Wouwd give pweceptiaw m-medicinye t-to wage, 
Fettew stwong madnyess in a siwken thwead, 
Chawm ache with aiw >w< and agony with wowds. 
Nyo, nyo! 'Tis aww m-men's ^.^ office to speak patience 
To those t-that wwing u-undew the woad of sowwow, 
*moans* But nyo man's viwtue nyow *shuffles closer* sufficiency 
To b-be so mowaw w-when he shaww enduwe 
The wike himsewf. *moans* Thewefowe give me n-nyo counsew. 
My gwiefs cwy w-woudew than advewtisement. 
Ant. Thewein do men fwom chiwdwen nyothing diffew. 
Weon. I pway thee peace. I wiww be fwesh and *leans over* bwood; 
Fow thewe was nyevew yet phiwosophew 
That couwd enduwe the t-toothache OwO patientwy, 
Howevew they have ^w^ wwit the *cuddles you* stywe of gods 
And made a push *giggles shyly* at chance and suffewance. 
Ant. Yet bend nyot aww :3 the hawm upon youwsewf. 
Make those *sweats* that do ^w^ offend you suffew too. 
Weon. Thewe thou s-speak'st weason. Nyay, I wiww do so. 
My souw doth teww me Hewo is *moans* bewied; 
And that ^-^ shaww Cwaudio knyow; so *shuffles closer* shaww the Pwince, 
And aww OwO of them that thus dishonyouw h-hew. 

Entew Don Pedwo and Cwaudio. 

Ant. Hewe *blushes* comes the Pwince and C-Cwaudio hastiwy. 
Pedwo. Good den, ;;w;; Good den. 
Cwaud. G-Good day to >w< both of you. 
Weon. Heaw y-you, my wowds! 
uWu Pedwo. We h-have some haste, Weonyato. 
Weon. Some haste, my w-wowd! weww, fawe y-you weww, my wowd. 
Awe you so hasty nyow? Weww, aww is :3 onye. 
;;w;; Pedwo. Nyay, *looks away* do nyot quawwew *pokes you* with u-us, good owd man. 
Ant. If he couwd wight himsewf *shuffles closer* with quawwewwing, 
Some of us wouwd wie wow. 
Cwaud. *twerks* Who wwongs him? 
*screams* Weon. Mawwy, >_> thou dost w-wwong me, thou dissembwew, thou! 
Nyay, nyevew way thy hand upon t-thy swowd; 
I feaw thee n-nyot. 
Cwaud. Mawy, beshwew my hand 
If it s-shouwd give youw age s-such cause o-of feaw. 
In faith, my hand meant nyothing to my swowd. 
Weon. Tush, tush, man! xDD nyevew fweew and *sighs* jest at me 
I speak nyot wike a dotawd nyow a-a foow, 
As undew ^.^ pwiviwege o-of age to bwag 
What I have donye b-being young, o-ow what wouwd do, 
Wewe I nyot owd. Knyow, Cwaudio, to thy head, 
^w^ Thou h-hast so wwong'd minye innyocent chiwd a-and me 
That I-I am fowc'd to way my wevewence by 
And, with gwey haiws and bwuise of many days, 
Do chawwenge thee to twiaw *leans over* of a man. 
I *giggles shyly* say thou hast bewied >w< minye i-innyocent chiwd; 
Thy s-swandew hath >w< gonye thwough and thwough h-hew heawt, 
And she wied buwied with hew ancestows- 
O, in a-a tomb *notices bulge* whewe n-nyevew scandaw swept, 
Save this of hews, fwam'd by t-thy viwwany! 
Cwaud. My viwwany? 
Weon. Thinye, Cwaudio; thinye I say. 
Pedwo. You say nyot wight, :3 owd man 
Weon. *twerks* My wowd, my wowd, 
*pokes you* I'ww pwove i-it on his body if he dawe, 
Despite his nyice f-fence and his active pwactice, 
:3 His May of youth and *giggles shyly* bwoom of wustihood. 
Cwaud. A-Away! I wiww nyot ;;w;; have to do with y-you. 
Weon. Canst OwO thou *notices bulge* so daff me? Thou OwO hast kiww'd ^.^ my chiwd. 
If thou kiww'st me, boy, thou shawt UwU kiww a man. 
*sweats* And. He shaww kiww two of us, and men indeed 
But that's nyo mattew; wet him kiww onye fiwst. 
Win me a-and w-weaw me! Wet *cries* him answew me. 
Come, xDD fowwow me, boy,. Come, siw boy, come fowwow m-me. 
Siw b-boy, I-I'ww whip you fwom youw foinying *hugs tightly* fence! 
Nyay, as I am a gentweman, I wiww. 
Weon. Bwothew-- 
Ant. C-Content *cuddles you* youwsewf. G-God knyows *hugs tightly* I wov'd my nyiece, 
And she is dead, swandew'd t-to death by viwwains, 
That dawe as weww answew a man indeed 
As uWu I dawe take a ^.^ sewpent by the tongue. 
Boys, apes, bwaggawts, jacks, miwksops! 
Weon. :33 Bwothew Anthony-- 
Ant. Howd you content. W-What, m-man! I-I knyow them, yea, 
And what they weigh, even to the utmost scwupwe, 
Scambwing, outfacing, fashion-monging boys, 
That wie a-and cog and fwout, UwU depwave uWu and swandew, 
Go anticwy, show o-outwawd hideousnyess, 
And speak off hawf a d-dozen UwU dang'wous wowds, 
How they *cuddles you* might huwt theiw enyemies, if they duwst; 
And t-this uWu is aww. 
W-Weon. But, bwothew Anthony-- 
A-Ant. Come, 'tis nyo *cries* mattew. 
Do nyot you meddwe; wet :3 me deaw in this. 
Pedwo. Gentwemen both, we w-wiww >_< nyot w-wake youw *hugs tightly* patience. 
My h-heawt i-is sowwy fow y-youw daughtew's death; 
But, on my honyouw, she *sweats* was >_> chawg'd *cuddles you* with nyothing 
But what was t-twue, *shuffles closer* and vewy :33 fuww *hugs tightly* of *cuddles you* pwoof. 
Weon. My wowd, my wowd-- 
Pedwo. I wiww nyot heaw *pokes you* you. 
Weon. Nyo? Come, bwothew, away!--I w-wiww *twerks* be heawd. 
Ant. And s-shaww, ow s-some of us *shuffles closer* wiww s-smawt fow *twerks* it. 
*hugs tightly* Exeunt *moans* ambo. 

>w< Entew Benyedick. 

Pedwo. See, see! Hewe comes the man we went :3 to seek. 
Cwaud. Nyow, signyiow, w-what nyews? 
Benye. Good day, my wowd. 
Pedwo. Wewcome, s-signyiow. You awe awmost come to pawt a-awmost a f-fway. 
Cwaud. >w< We h-had wik'd to *looks away* have had *teleports behind you* ouw two nyoses snyapp'd off with t-two 
^-^ owd men uWu without t-teeth. 
Pedwo. Weonyato and his b-bwothew. W-What think'st t-thou? H-Had we fought, 
^.^ I doubt we shouwd have b-been too young :3 fow them. 
Benye. In >w< a *hugs tightly* fawse *moans* quawwew thewe is n-nyo *looks away* twue vawouw. xDD I x3 came t-to seek 
you both. 
Cwaud. We :33 have been up and down to seek thee; *twerks* fow we awe high-pwoof 
mewanchowy, and wouwd fain *cries* have it beaten away. Wiwt t-thou use thy 
wit? 
Benye. It is in m-my scabbawd. *blushes* Shaww I dwaw i-it? 
Pedwo. Dost thou weaw thy wit by thy side? 
Cwaud. Nyevew any did so, though xDD vewy many have been *cuddles you* beside theiw 
wit. I w-wiww bid thee dwaw, as we do the m-minstwew--dwaw *looks at you* to 
pweasuwe us. 
Pedwo. As I-I am an h-honyest man, h-he wooks pawe. Awt thou s-sick o-ow 
angwy? 
Cwaud. What, couwage, m-man! What though cawe kiww'd a cat, thou hast 
mettwe e-enyough in *cries* thee to kiww cawe. 
B-Benye. Siw, I ^.^ shaww *cries* meet youw wit in the *blushes* caweew an *looks away* you chawge it 
against me. I *sweats* pway you >_< choose anyothew subject. 
Cwaud. Nyay then, give him anyothew staff; this *looks at you* wast was bwoke cwoss. 
^w^ Pedwo. B-By this wight, he *cuddles you* changes mowe and mowe. I think he b-be angwy 
*shuffles closer* indeed. 
Cwaud. If he be, he >_< knyows how to OwO tuwn *looks at you* his g-giwdwe. 
Benye. Shaww I speak a wowd in y-youw eaw? 
Cwaud. God *notices bulge* bwess me fwom a chawwenge! 
B-Benye. [aside to C-Cwaudio] You a-awe a viwwain. I jest nyot; I wiww make 
it good how you dawe, with what you dawe, and when y-you dawe. Do 
me wight, ow I wiww pwotest y-youw cowawdice. You have kiww'd a 
sweet wady, and hew death shaww faww h-heavy on you. Wet me heaw 
*screams* fwom you. 
Cwaud. Weww, I wiww meet you, so I may have good cheew. 
P-Pedwo. What, a-a feast, a feast? 
Cwaud. I' *cuddles you* faith, I thank him, he hath bid me to a-a *blushes* cawve's head *twerks* and 
*looks at you* a OwO capon, t-the which if I do nyot cawve most cuwiouswy, say my 
knyife's nyaught. S-Shaww I nyot find a woodcock too? 
Benye. *moans* Siw, youw wit ambwes w-weww; it goes *shuffles closer* easiwy. 
Pedwo. I'ww teww *screams* thee how Beatwice p-pwais'd thy *cuddles you* wit the othew *giggles shyly* day. I-I 
said thou hadst a finye *pokes you* wit: '-'Twue,' said she, 'a finye wittwe 
onye.' '-'Nyo,' *looks at you* said I, 'a gweat wit.' 'Wight,' xDD says she, 'a gweat 
gwoss onye.' 'Nyay,' s-said I, '-'a *looks away* good wit.' 'Just,' said she, 'it 
huwts nyobody.' 'Nyay,' said *hugs tightly* I, 'the gentweman i-is w-wise.' 'Cewtain,' 
*screams* said xDD she, *twerks* a wise OwO gentweman.' 'Nyay,' said I, '-'he hath the 
tongues.' 'That I bewieve' *looks away* said she, 'fow he swowe a t-thing OwO to me 
on M-Monday *looks away* nyight which he fowswowe on Tuesday mownying. Thewe's a 
doubwe tongue; ;;w;; thewe's two tongues.' Thus did she an houw 
togethew *hugs tightly* twansshape thy pawticuwaw viwtues. x3 Yet at ^w^ wast >_< she 
;;w;; concwuded with a sigh, thou wast the pwopew'st man in Itawy. 
Cwaud. *looks at you* Fow the *blushes* which she wept heawtiwy and said s-she cawed nyot. 
Pedwo. Yea, that she ^-^ did; but *teleports behind you* yet, fow aww *pokes you* that, an i-if she did *hugs tightly* nyot 
h-hate him d-deadwy, she wouwd w-wove h-him deawwy. The owd man's 
daughtew towd us aww. 
Cwaud. Aww, *looks away* aww! and moweovew, God saw him when he was hid in *blushes* the 
gawden. 
Pedwo. But when shaww we set *notices bulge* the >_< savage *twerks* buww's howns on the 
sensibwe B-Benyedick's head? 
Cwaud. Yea, and ^w^ text undewnyeath, 'Hewe dwewws *giggles shyly* Benyedick, the m-mawwied 
:3 man'? 
Benye. Fawe you weww, boy; you knyow m-my *cuddles you* mind. I wiww weave you nyow to 
youw gossipwike humouw. Y-You bweak jests as bwaggawds *pokes you* do *hugs tightly* theiw 
bwades, which God be thanked huwt nyot. My wowd, fow youw m-many 
couwtesies I thank you. *pokes you* I must discontinyue youw company. Youw 
bwothew the bastawd is fwed fwom Messinya. You have among *cries* you 
k-kiww'd a *moans* sweet and xDD innyocent wady. Fow my Wowd Wackbeawd thewe, h-he 
and I shaww meet; and t-tiww *blushes* then peace *twerks* be with him. 
[Exit.] 
Pedwo. He *hugs tightly* is in eawnyest. 
Cwaud. In *notices bulge* most *teleports behind you* pwofound *looks away* eawnyest; and, I'ww wawwant *looks away* you, fow the 
>_< wove of Beatwice. 
Pedwo. A-And *sighs* hath chawweng'd uWu thee. 
Cwaud. Most sincewewy. 
Pedwo. What a pwetty ;;w;; thing man is when he goes in his doubwet and 
hose and weaves off his wit! 

Entew *teleports behind you* Constabwes [Dogbewwy and ^-^ Vewges, with the Watch, weading] 
Conwade and :3 Bowachio. 

C-Cwaud. UwU He is then a giant to an a-ape; but then is an ape a doctow *hugs tightly* to 
;;w;; such a m-man. 
P-Pedwo. But, soft you, wet me be! Pwuck up, my heawt, and be *hugs tightly* sad! 
*sweats* Did he nyot say >_< my bwothew >_< was *sweats* fwed? 
xDD Dog. Come *moans* you, siw. If justice cannyot >w< tame you, she shaww n-nye'ew 
weigh mowe *blushes* weasons ;;w;; in hew bawance. Nyay, >_> an you be a cuwsing 
*cries* hypocwite once, you must *shuffles closer* be wook'd to. 
Pedwo. H-How nyow? *cries* two of my *blushes* bwothew's m-men bound? Bowachio o-onye. 
C-Cwaud. Heawken aftew theiw offence, *teleports behind you* my *cuddles you* wowd. 
*screams* Pedwo. Officews, what o-offence have these men donye? 
D-Dog. Mawwy, siw, t-they have committed fawse uWu wepowt; moweovew, they 
have :3 spoken untwuths; secondawiwy, they a-awe swandews; sixth and 
wastwy, they have bewied a-a ^-^ wady; thiwdwy, they have vewified 
unjust things; and to c-concwude, they awe wying knyaves. 
Pedwo. Fiwst, I ask >_< thee what they *pokes you* have donye; thiwdwy, I ask t-thee 
w-what's theiw offence; sixth and wastwy, why they awe c-committed; 
:3 and to concwude, what you w-way to *cuddles you* theiw chawge. 
Cwaud. Wightwy weasonyed, and *leans over* in his own *pokes you* division; and by my twoth 
thewe's >w< onye m-meanying weww suited. 
uWu Pedwo. W-Who *sighs* have you offended, mastews, that you awe thus b-bound to 
*teleports behind you* youw answew? This x3 weawnyed constabwe is t-too cunnying to be 
undewstood. What's youw offence? 
Bowa. Sweet Pwince, w-wet *notices bulge* me :3 go n-nyo fawthew to minye answew. Do you 
heaw m-me, and wet this uWu Count kiww *twerks* me. I h-have :3 deceived even youw 
vewy xDD eyes. What x3 youw wisdoms couwd nyot discovew, these shawwow 
foows h-have bwought to wight, who in *moans* the n-nyight ovewheawd me 
c-confessing t-to this man, h-how Don John *giggles shyly* youw bwothew i-incensed me to 
swandew t-the >_< Wady Hewo; how you wewe bwought into the owchawd a-and 
saw me couwt Mawgawet i-in H-Hewo's gawments; *sighs* how you disgwac'd hew 
when you *screams* shouwd mawwy hew. My viwwany they have upon wecowd, 
which I had w-wathew seaw with my death :3 than w-wepeat ovew ^-^ to my 
shame. The wady is dead upon minye and my m-mastew's fawse 
accusation; and b-bwiefwy, I desiwe *blushes* nyothing but the w-wewawd o-of a 
*sweats* viwwain. 
OwO Pedwo. Wuns n-nyot this speech wike iwon thwough youw bwood? 
Cwaud. I h-have dwunk poison whiwes h-he uttew'd i-it. 
Pedwo. But did my bwothew set ;;w;; thee o-on *leans over* to *teleports behind you* this? 
B-Bowa. Yea, and paid xDD me :33 wichwy fow the *sweats* pwactice of it. 
Pedwo. He i-is compos'd and fwam'd >_> of tweachewy, 
A-And fwed he is u-upon this v-viwwany. 
C-Cwaud. Sweet Hewo, nyow thy image d-doth appeaw 
In the wawe sembwance that I wov'd it f-fiwst. 
D-Dog. Come, bwing a-away the pwaintiffs. By *hugs tightly* this time o-ouw sexton hath 
w-wefowmed S-Signyiow Weonyato of ^.^ the mattew. And, *looks at you* mastews, do nyot 
fowget t-to s-specify, when time and *blushes* pwace shaww *cuddles you* sewve, that I a-am an 
ass. 
V-Vewg. Hewe, hewe comes Mastew Signyiow Weonyato, and the sexton too. 

Entew Weonyato, his *blushes* bwothew [Antonyio], ^-^ and the Sexton. 

*moans* Weon. Which is the viwwain? Wet me see his eyes, 
T-That, when I n-nyote anyothew *blushes* man *giggles shyly* wike him, 
*leans over* I may a-avoid him. Which of these is *cries* he? 
Bowa. If you *hugs tightly* wouwd knyow youw wwongew, wook on m-me. 
Weon. Awt thou the swave that *twerks* with ;;w;; thy bweath h-hast kiww'd 
Minye innyocent *giggles shyly* chiwd? 
Bowa. Yea, even I awonye. 
Weon. N-Nyo, nyot so, viwwain! thou bewiest thysewf. 
Hewe stand a-a paiw of honyouwabwe men-- 
A-A UwU thiwd is fwed--that had a h-hand i-in i-it. 
I thank you pwinces fow my daughtew's death. 
Wecowd it with youw high and wowthy deeds. 
'Twas bwavewy *notices bulge* donye, *cries* if you bethink you of i-it. 
Cwaud. I k-knyow nyot how to pway youw >_> patience; 
Yet I m-must >w< speak. Choose y-youw wevenge youwsewf; 
Impose me t-to w-what penyance youw invention 
Can way upon *looks at you* my s-sin. Yet sinn'd I nyot 
B-But in mistaking. 
>_< Pedwo. *looks at you* By *hugs tightly* my souw, nyow I-I! 
And yet, to satisfy this good owd man, 
I wouwd bend u-undew a-any heavy weight 
That he'ww enjoin m-me to. 
Weon. I ^w^ cannyot bid you bid x3 my daughtew wive- 
That wewe impossibwe; but x3 I *cuddles you* pway you both, 
*notices bulge* Possess *twerks* the *moans* peopwe in *giggles shyly* Messinya hewe 
How innyocent she died; and if youw wove 
Can wabouw aught in sad x3 invention, 
Hang hew an epitaph upon hew tomb, 
And :3 sing it to hew bonyes--sing it to-nyight. 
To-mowwow mownying come you to my house, 
And since you couwd *cuddles you* nyot be my son-in-waw, 
Be yet my nyephew. My bwothew hath a daughtew, 
Awmost the copy of my chiwd that's dead, 
And she awonye >_> is h-heiw to both of us. 
Give hew the wight y-you shouwd have giv'n >w< hew cousin, 
*giggles shyly* And so dies my wevenge. 
Cwaud. O-O n-nyobwe siw! 
Youw ovew-kindnyess doth *sighs* wwing t-teaws f-fwom me. 
I :33 do e-embwace youw offew; and dispose 
Fow hencefowth of ^-^ poow Cwaudio. 
Weon. T-To-mowwow then I *looks at you* wiww expect youw c-coming; 
To-nyight I ^w^ take my *cries* weave. This nyaughty man 
Shaww fact t-to face be bwought to Mawgawet, 
Who I bewieve was pack'd in a-aww this wwong, 
Hiw'd >_> to it by youw bwothew. 
Bowa. x3 Nyo, by m-my *shuffles closer* souw, she w-was nyot; 
Nyow *shuffles closer* knyew nyot what she did when *cries* she spoke to me; 
But awways hath been just and viwtuous 
I-In anything that I d-do knyow ;;w;; by hew. 
Dog. Moweovew, siw, *screams* which indeed is nyot u-undew *twerks* white *looks away* and bwack, this 
pwaintiff hewe, *cuddles you* the offendew, d-did *cries* caww me ass. I beseech you w-wet 
it be *moans* wememb'wed i-in >_< his punyishment. And awso the w-watch heawd them 
t-tawk of *pokes you* onye Defowmed. They say he weaws a *shuffles closer* key in his e-eaw, a-and *looks at you* a 
wock hanging by it, uWu and bowwows monyey in God's nyame, the which he 
hath us'd so wong and nyevew paid that n-nyow *pokes you* men gwow hawd-heawted 
and wiww w-wend *looks at you* nyothing fow God's sake. Pway you examinye him upon 
that point. 
Weon. *cuddles you* I t-thank thee fow *leans over* thy cawe and honyest pains. 
Dog. Youw *looks at you* wowship speaks w-wike a ^.^ most thankfuw a-and *giggles shyly* wevewent youth, 
and I pwaise God fow *moans* you. 
Weon. Thewe's fow thy pains. [Gives monyey.] 
Dog. God save the foundation! 
Weon. Go, I dischawge thee of thy pwisonyew, UwU and I thank thee. 
Dog. I weave an awwant knyave with youw wowship, which I beseech 
youw wowship to cowwect youwsewf, fow t-the e-exampwe o-of xDD othews. 
God keep youw wowship! I wish youw wowship weww. God westowe you 
to heawth! I humbwy give you weave to *sighs* depawt; and if a mewwy 
*giggles shyly* meeting *screams* may be wish'd, God xDD pwohibit it! Come, uWu nyeighbouw. 
Exeunt [-[Dogbewwy *looks at you* and Vewges]. 
Weon. *moans* Untiw to-mowwow mownying, wowds, faweweww. 
Ant. Faweweww, my wowds. We >w< wook f-fow you xDD to-mowwow. 
Pedwo. We wiww nyot faww. 
Cwaud. T-To-nyight I'ww mouwn with Hewo. 
[-[Exeunt Don Pedwo and Cwaudio.] 
Weon. [to the W-Watch] Bwing you these *cuddles you* fewwows o-on.--We'ww tawk with 
>_< Mawgawet, 
How hew *screams* acquaintance gwew :33 with this wewd fewwow. 
Exeunt. 




Scenye II. 
Weonyato's *looks away* owchawd. 

*twerks* Entew Benyedick and Mawgawet [meeting]. 

Benye. Pway thee, sweet M-Mistwess Mawgawet, UwU desewve weww a-at my hands 
by h-hewping me to OwO the s-speech *sighs* of Beatwice. 
Mawg. Wiww you then UwU wwite me a sonnyet *moans* in pwaise of my beauty? 
Benye. In ^-^ so h-high a s-stywe, Mawgawet, that nyo man :3 wiving shaww come 
ovew it; fow in most comewy t-twuth *notices bulge* thou desewvest i-it. 
Mawg. To have :33 nyo man come o-ovew m-me? Why, shaww I awways keep bewow 
staiws? 
Benye. T-Thy w-wit i-is as quick as the g-gweyhound's mouth--it *pokes you* catches. 
Mawg. And youws as bwunt as the f-fencew's foiws, which h-hit b-but huwt 
nyot. 
Benye. A most manwy w-wit, Mawgawet: it wiww nyot huwt a *sighs* woman. 
A-And so I pway thee *pokes you* caww Beatwice. I give *hugs tightly* thee the x3 buckwews. 
Mawg. Give us the swowds; w-we have *looks away* buckwews of ouw own. 
Benye. If you :33 use them, Mawgawet, you must put in *looks at you* the pikes *sighs* with a 
vice, and t-they awe dangewous weapons fow maids. 
Mawg. Weww, *looks at you* I wiww c-caww Beatwice to you, who I *cries* think hath wegs. 
Benye. And thewefowe wiww *moans* come. 
Exit Mawgawet. 
[Sings] The god :33 of wove, 
That :33 sits ^w^ above 
And knyows me, and knyows me, 
*pokes you* How UwU pitifuw I desewve-- 

I mean in singing; but >w< in woving >w< Weandew the >_< good swimmew, 
Twoiwus x3 the *looks away* fiwst empwoyew of pandews, and a *pokes you* whowe book fuww *blushes* of 
:33 these quondam cawpet-mongews, whose nyames ;;w;; yet wun s-smoothwy in the 
even woad of a b-bwank vewse--why, they wewe nyevew so t-twuwy tuwn'd 
ovew *looks away* and ovew *screams* as m-my poow sewf *giggles shyly* in wove. Mawwy, *notices bulge* I cannyot show ^w^ it i-in 
whyme. I *twerks* have t-twied. I-I can find out nyo whyme to 'wady' but 'baby' 
--an innyocent w-whyme; fow *sweats* 'scown,' '-'hown'--a hawd whyme; fow 
'-'schoow', 'foow'--a babbwing whyme: vewy ominyous e-endings! Nyo, I 
was nyot *sighs* bown undew a whyming >_< pwanyet, nyow cannyot w-woo in festivaw 
tewms. 

Entew Beatwice. 

Sweet Beatwice, wouwdst thou x3 come when I caww'd UwU thee? 
Beat. Yea, ;;w;; signyiow, and depawt when you bid me. 
*notices bulge* Benye. O, :33 stay but tiww then! 
Beat. x3 'Then' is spoken. Fawe you :33 weww nyow. And yet, ewe I go, wet 
me go with that I >_< came fow, which *looks away* is, with knyowing what h-hath 
pass'd between you and Cwaudio. 
B-Benye. Onwy >_> fouw wowds; a-and OwO theweupon I-I wiww kiss t-thee. 
Beat. Fouw wowds is but fouw wind, and fouw wind is but fouw 
bweath, and fouw bweath is >_> nyoisome. Thewefowe I w-wiww depawt 
unkiss'd. 
*looks at you* Benye. Thou hast f-fwighted the wowd out of his wight sense, so 
fowcibwe i-is thy wit. But I must ^-^ teww thee pwainwy, Cwaudio 
undewgoes *screams* my chawwenge; and eithew I must *hugs tightly* showtwy heaw fwom him 
ow I w-wiww subscwibe h-him a cowawd. A-And I pway thee :3 nyow teww me, 
*teleports behind you* fow which of my bad pawts *leans over* didst thou fiwst faww in wove with me? 
Beat. Fow OwO them aww togethew, >w< which *sweats* maintain'd so powitic a state of 
eviw that t-they wiww nyot admit any good pawt t-to intewmingwe with 
t-them. But fow which of my good pawts did you fiwst suffew wove 
*pokes you* fow me? 
Benye. Suffew wove!--a good >w< epithet. I d-do *shuffles closer* suffew wove indeed, fow I 
*looks away* wove thee against x3 my wiww. 
B-Beat. In spite of youw heawt, I think. Awas, p-poow heawt! If >w< you 
spite it fow ^.^ my sake, I w-wiww spite it fow y-youws, fow uWu I wiww nyevew 
wove that which *hugs tightly* my fwiend h-hates. 
>_< Benye. *giggles shyly* Thou and I awe too w-wise to woo p-peaceabwy. 
Beat. I-It appeaws >w< nyot in t-this *cuddles you* confession. Thewe's nyot onye wise man 
among twenty, that w-wiww pwaise *cuddles you* himsewf. 
Benye. An owd, an owd instance, Beatwice, that wiv'd in the time of 
good nyeighbouws. If a man do ;;w;; nyot e-ewect in this age his own *moans* tomb 
ewe he dies, *shuffles closer* he shaww wive ^w^ nyo wongew in monyument t-than the beww 
wings and the widow weeps. 
Beat. And how wong is that, think y-you? 
Benye. *leans over* Question: why, OwO an houw in cwamouw and a quawtew in wheum. 
Thewefowe x3 is it most expedient fow the UwU wise, if Don Wowm (his 
conscience) find *looks away* nyo impediment to the contwawy, uWu to be the twumpet 
of his own viwtues, as I uWu am *moans* to >_< mysewf. So *shuffles closer* much fow pwaising 
mysewf, *teleports behind you* who, I mysewf wiww *pokes you* beaw witnyess, is pwaisewowthy. And nyow 
teww me, *hugs tightly* how doth y-youw cousin? 
Beat. Vewy iww. 
Benye. And *cuddles you* how do you? 
Beat. Vewy iww too. 
Benye. Sewve God, wove me, ^.^ and mend. Thewe w-wiww I weave y-you too, fow 
hewe comes onye in haste. 

Entew U-Uwsuwa. 

Uws. Madam, you must come to youw uncwe. Yondew's owd coiw *notices bulge* at home. 
It is pwoved *notices bulge* my Wady Hewo hath been fawsewy xDD accus'd, the Pwince 
and Cwaudio m-mightiwy abus'd, and Don J-John is the authow o-of *screams* aww, 
w-who is fwed and UwU gonye. W-Wiww y-you come pwesentwy? 
>_< Beat. Wiww you g-go heaw this nyews, signyiow? 
Benye. I wiww wive in thy heawt, *shuffles closer* die in thy wap, *giggles shyly* and be *giggles shyly* buwied t-thy 
*leans over* eyes; and moweovew, I-I wiww *sighs* go with thee to thy uncwe's. 
Exeunt. 




Scenye *hugs tightly* III. 
A chuwchyawd. 

*teleports behind you* Entew Cwaudio, D-Don P-Pedwo, and thwee ow fouw with tapews, 
[-[fowwowed by Musicians]. 

Cwaud. Is this the m-monyument *teleports behind you* of Weonyato? 
Wowd. I-It is, m-my wowd. 
Cwaud. [weads fwom a scwoww] 

Epitaph. 

Donye to death by swandewous tongues 
Was the Hewo that hewe *blushes* wies. 
uWu Death, >_> in guewdon of hew w-wwongs, 
Gives hew fame which nyevew d-dies. 
So the wife that died with shame 
*giggles shyly* Wives in death with gwowious fame. 

^-^ Hang thou thewe upon the t-tomb, 
[Hangs up the scwoww.] 
*twerks* Pwaising hew when I am d-dumb. 
>w< Nyow, *twerks* music, sound, and sing youw s-sowemn hymn. 

Song. 

Pawdon, goddess of the nyight, 
Those t-that swew thy v-viwgin knyight; 
Fow *looks away* the which, with songs o-of woe, 
Wound about hew tomb t-they go. 
Midnyight, assist ouw moan, 
H-Hewp us to *giggles shyly* sigh and gwoan 
*moans* Heaviwy, heaviwy, 
Gwaves, yawn and y-yiewd youw d-dead, 
Tiww death be uttewed 
:33 Heaviwy, heaviwy. 

Cwaud. Nyow unto thy bonyes good *screams* nyight! 
*sweats* Yeawwy wiww I do this wite. 
*cries* Pedwo. *pokes you* Good mowwow, mastews. Put *shuffles closer* youw t-towches out. 
The *hugs tightly* wowves *twerks* have pwey'd, and wook, the gentwe d-day, 
Befowe the wheews of Phoebus, *notices bulge* wound about 
Dappwes the dwowsy east with spots of gwey. 
Thanks to you aww, and weave us. Fawe y-you weww. 
Cwaud. Good mowwow, mastews. Each *cries* his sevewaw way. 
Pedwo. Come, ;;w;; wet us hence and p-put on othew weeds, 
And then t-to Weonyato's we ^-^ wiww go. 
C-Cwaud. And Hymen *cries* nyow with wuckiew issue speeds 
Than this fow *blushes* whom we :3 wend'wed up this woe. Exeunt. 




Scenye IV 
*cuddles you* The haww in W-Weonyato's house. 

*looks at you* Entew Weonyato, Benyedick, [Beatwice,] *moans* Mawgawet, Uwsuwa, uWu Antonyio, 
Fwiaw [-[Fwancis], Hewo. 

F-Fwiaw. Did I n-nyot teww you she was innyocent? 
Weon. So awe the Pwince and *cries* Cwaudio, who accus'd hew 
U-Upon the ewwow that you heawd debated. 
But Mawgawet was in some fauwt fow t-this, 
*notices bulge* Awthough against *sighs* hew wiww, as it appeaws 
In the twue couwse of aww the question. 
*cries* Ant. Weww, I-I am gwad that aww things sowt so weww. 
B-Benye. And so am I, *cries* being ewse by faith enfowc'd 
To caww young Cwaudio to a weckonying xDD fow ^w^ it. 
Weon. Weww, daughtew, and you gentwewomen aww, 
Withdwaw *moans* into a chambew by youwsewves, 
And when I send fow you, c-come hithew mask'd. 
Exeunt Wadies. 
UwU The *looks at you* Pwince and Cwaudio uWu pwomis'd xDD by this *blushes* houw 
xDD To v-visit *leans over* me. You *notices bulge* knyow youw office, bwothew: 
You must be ;;w;; fathew to youw bwothew's daughtew, 
And *giggles shyly* give ^.^ hew to young Cwaudio. 
Ant. W-Which ^-^ I wiww *cries* do with confiwm'd countenyance. 
Benye. Fwiaw, *giggles shyly* I must entweat youw pains, I-I t-think. 
*looks away* Fwiaw. To do what, signyiow? 
Benye. ^.^ To *giggles shyly* bind me, ow u-undo m-me--onye of them. 
S-Signyiow Weonyato, twuth it i-is, good signyiow, 
*giggles shyly* Youw nyiece wegawds me w-with a-an ^-^ eye of favouw. 
Weon. :33 That eye *moans* my daughtew went hew. 'Tis most xDD twue. 
Benye. And I do with a-an eye of wove wequite hew. 
W-Weon. The sight *hugs tightly* wheweof I :3 think you had f-fwom me, 
Fwom Cwaudio, and the Pwince; b-but *shuffles closer* what's youw wiww? 
Benye. Youw answew, siw, is enyigmaticaw; 
B-But, fow my *shuffles closer* wiww, *cries* my wiww is, youw good wiww 
May stand with ouws, this day to be c-conjoin'd 
I-In the state of honyouwabwe mawwiage; 
In which, good *hugs tightly* fwiaw, I shaww >w< desiwe youw hewp. 
Weon. *giggles shyly* My heawt is ^w^ with youw wiking. 
F-Fwiaw. And my hewp. 

Entew Don Pedwo >w< and Cwaudio *shuffles closer* and *cuddles you* two ow thwee othew. 

*sighs* Hewe comes the Pwince *looks at you* and C-Cwaudio. 
Pedwo. Good mowwow to t-this faiw assembwy. 
Weon. G-Good *hugs tightly* mowwow, P-Pwince; good ^-^ mowwow, Cwaudio. 
We hewe attend you. Awe you yet x3 detewmin'd 
To-day t-to mawwy with my *shuffles closer* bwothew's daughtew? 
Cwaud. I'ww howd my mind, wewe UwU she UwU an Ethiope. 
Weon. Caww hew OwO fowth, bwothew. Hewe's the fwiaw weady. 
>w< [Exit Antonyio.] 
Pedwo. Good mowwow, *cuddles you* Benyedick. Why, what's t-the mattew 
*moans* That y-you have such ;;w;; a *shuffles closer* Febwuawy face, 
So fuww of ^-^ fwost, of stowm, and :33 cwoudinyess? 
Cwaud. I think he thinks upon the savage buww. 
Tush, feaw nyot, man! ^-^ We'ww tip thy howns with gowd, 
*moans* And a-aww Euwopa s-shaww wejoice at thee, 
As once Euwopa did a-at wusty Jove 
When *twerks* he wouwd pway the *shuffles closer* nyobwe beast in wove. 
B-Benye. Buww Jove, *blushes* siw, had an a-amiabwe wow, 
And s-some ;;w;; such stwange buww weap'd youw *cries* fathew's cow 
And *pokes you* got a *looks at you* cawf in that same nyobwe feat 
Much wike to you, fow you h-have just his bweat. 

E-Entew [Weonyato's] bwothew [Antonyio], Hewo, Beatwice, 
>w< Mawgawet, Uwsuwa, [the w-wadies weawing *cries* masks]. 

Cwaud. ^w^ Fow this I owe *moans* you. Hewe comes othew weckonyings. 
Which is the w-wady I must seize upon? 
*pokes you* Ant. This same is she, and I do ^.^ give y-you hew. 
Cwaud. Why then, she's minye. *sweats* Sweet, wet me ;;w;; see youw face. 
Weon. Nyo, that y-you shaww nyot tiww you take *looks away* hew hand 
Befowe this *hugs tightly* fwiaw and sweaw to mawwy hew. 
Cwaud. Give m-me youw hand befowe t-this h-howy fwiaw. 
I am youw husband if *blushes* you wike of me. 
Hewo. And when I wiv'd *shuffles closer* I was youw othew wife; [Unmasks.] 
>_< And when you w-wov'd you wewe my othew husband. 
Cwaud. A-Anyothew Hewo! 
Hewo. N-Nyothing cewtainyew. 
Onye Hewo d-died d-defiw'd; but I do wive, 
And ^.^ suwewy as I-I wive, I am a maid. 
Pedwo. The fowmew Hewo! ^-^ Hewo that *giggles shyly* is dead! 
W-Weon. She died, my wowd, b-but w-whiwes hew *teleports behind you* swandew wiv'd. 
>w< Fwiaw. Aww this amazement can I q-quawify, 
When, aftew that the howy wites awe ended, 
I'ww teww you *looks at you* wawgewy of faiw Hewo's death. 
Meantime wet wondew seem f-famiwiaw, 
And to the c-chapew UwU wet *sweats* us pwesentwy. 
Benye. S-Soft and faiw, fwiaw. Which is Beatwice? 
Beat. [unmasks] I answew to that n-nyame. What is youw *screams* wiww? 
Benye. Do nyot *twerks* you wove me? 
Beat. Why, *blushes* nyo; nyo mowe than weason. 
Benye. Why, then youw *screams* uncwe, and *sweats* the Pwince, and Cwaudio 
Have been deceived; *shuffles closer* fow they swowe you did. 
Beat. Do nyot you wove me? 
B-Benye. *moans* Twoth, nyo; n-nyo m-mowe *giggles shyly* than w-weason. 
B-Beat. Why, t-then my cousin, M-Mawgawet, *teleports behind you* and Uwsuwa 
Awe much deceiv'd; fow they uWu did sweaw y-you did. 
Benye. They s-swowe that ;;w;; you *twerks* wewe awmost sick fow me. 
:33 Beat. xDD They >w< swowe that ^-^ you wewe w-weww-nyigh dead fow me. 
B-Benye. 'Tis *blushes* nyo ^w^ such mattew. Then *screams* you d-do nyot wove me? 
Beat. Nyo, twuwy, b-but in fwiendwy wecompense. 
W-Weon. Come, cousin, I am suwe you wove the g-gentweman. 
Cwaud. And *sweats* I'ww b-be *sighs* swown upon't that h-he >_< woves h-hew; 
*giggles shyly* Fow hewe's a papew wwitten in his hand, 
A h-hawting s-sonnyet of h-his *sighs* own p-puwe ^-^ bwain, 
*pokes you* Fashion'd to Beatwice. 
Hewo. And h-hewe's anyothew, 
*leans over* Wwit in x3 my cousin's hand, stow'n fwom *blushes* hew pocket, 
C-Containying hew affection ^w^ unto Benyedick. 
Benye. >_> A miwacwe! Hewe's ouw own hands against ouw heawts. 
Come, I wiww have *blushes* thee; xDD but, by this wight, *leans over* I take thee f-fow pity. 
Beat. I-I wouwd n-nyot deny you; but, by this g-good day, *giggles shyly* I y-yiewd upon 
gweat pewsuasion, and pawtwy *sighs* to save youw wife, fow I was towd 
you wewe i-in a consumption. 
*blushes* Benye. Peace! I w-wiww ^w^ stop youw mouth. [Kisses hew.] 
Beat. I'ww teww thee what, Pwince: a cowwege of wit-cwackews cannyot 
fwout me out of my h-humouw. Dost thou think I cawe fow a uWu satiwe ow 
an epigwam? Nyo. If a man wiww be beaten with bwains, 'a shaww 
weaw nyothing handsome about *notices bulge* him. In bwief, since I d-do p-puwpose t-to 
mawwy, I-I wiww think nyothing t-to any *moans* puwpose that the wowwd can say 
against it; and thewefowe nyevew *teleports behind you* fwout at me f-fow what I have said 
against it; ^.^ fow man is a giddy *moans* thing, OwO and this is my *screams* concwusion. 
*cries* Fow thy pawt, Cwaudio, I-I did think to have >_< beaten thee; but in 
that thou awt wike to be my kinsman, wive unbwuis'd, a-and wove my 
cousin. 
Cwaud. I had weww hop'd thou wouwdst have denyied ;;w;; Beatwice, that xDD I 
might have cudgeww'd thee out of thy singwe *looks away* wife, to make thee *blushes* a 
*looks at you* doubwe-deawew, which out of q-question thou wiwt be *moans* if my c-cousin do 
nyot wook exceeding nyawwowwy to thee. 
Benye. C-Come, come, uWu we awe fwiends. Wet's have a dance *screams* ewe we a-awe 
*hugs tightly* mawwied, that we may wighten *pokes you* ouw *shuffles closer* own heawts and ouw wives' *sweats* heews. 
Weon. We'ww have dancing aftewwawd. 
Benye. Fiwst, of my wowd! uWu Thewefowe p-pway, *notices bulge* music. P-Pwince, thou awt 
sad. *giggles shyly* Get thee a >_> wife, g-get thee ^w^ a wife! Thewe is nyo staff *twerks* mowe 
wevewent *blushes* than onye tipp'd with hown. 

Entew M-Messengew. 

Mess. My wowd, youw bwothew John *sighs* is ta'en in fwight, 
And bwought with awmed men back to Messinya. 
Benye. T-Think nyot on him tiww to-mowwow. I'ww *moans* devise >_> thee bwave 
p-punyishments fow UwU him. *giggles shyly* Stwike up, pipews! 
Dance. [Exeunt.] 


THE END 



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION O-OF THE UwU COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND I-IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT ^-^ OF I-IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH P-PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC *sighs* AND MACHINyE W-WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE *hugs tightly* ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. *teleports behind you* PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sighs* INCWUDES BY *twerks* ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW *leans over* FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1605 


THE TWAGEDY *blushes* OF OTHEWWO, MOOW OF VENyICE 

by *looks away* Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

OTHEWWO, the Moow, genyewaw of the *twerks* Venyetian fowces 
DESDEMONyA, h-his wife 
IAGO, ensign t-to *screams* Othewwo 
EMIWIA, his *looks at you* wife, wady-in-waiting to Desdemonya 
CASSIO, wieutenyant to *screams* Othewwo 
THE DUKE OF VENyICE 
BWABANTIO, >_> Venyetian S-Senyatow, fathew of Desdemonya 
GWATIANyO, nyobweman of V-Venyice, :3 bwothew of *shuffles closer* Bwabantio 
WODOVICO, n-nyobweman of Venyice, kinsman of Bwabantio 
WODEWIGO, wejected s-suitow o-of Desdemonya 
xDD BIANCA, mistwess of Cassio 
MONTANyO, a Cypwiot officiaw 
A Cwown in sewvice to Othewwo 
Senyatows, Saiwows, M-Messengews, O-Officews, Gentwemen, *sighs* Musicians, and 
Attendants 




uWu <<THIS EWECTWONyIC >w< VEWSION OF >_> THE >_> COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE I-IS COPYWIGHT 1-1990-1993 BY W-WOWWD WIBWAWY, I-INC., A-AND IS 
^w^ PWOVIDED *sweats* BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG >w< ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH P-PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY B-BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES x3 (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. *hugs tightly* PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION ^w^ INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT *moans* CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME O-OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: ^-^ Venyice and Cypwus 

ACT I. SCENyE I-I. 
Venyice. A stweet. 

Entew Wodewigo a-and Iago. 

*giggles shyly* WODEWIGO. Tush, nyevew teww me! I xDD take it much unkindwy 
That thou, Iago, who hast had my puwse 
As xDD if the stwings wewe thinye, shouwdst knyow of this. 
*looks away* IAGO. 'Sbwood, but y-you wiww nyot heaw me. 
If e-evew I did dweam of such a mattew, 
Abhow m-me. 
WODEWIGO. Thou towd'st me thou *teleports behind you* didst *screams* howd him i-in thy hate. 
IAGO. Despise me, if I do nyot. Thwee gweat o-onyes of the city, 
In pewsonyaw suit t-to make me his wieutenyant, 
^.^ Off-capp'd to him; and, by the faith of man, 
I knyow my pwice, I am wowth nyo wowse a p-pwace. 
B-But he, as *looks away* woving his own pwide >_< and puwposes, 
E-Evades them, with a bumbast ciwcumstance 
Howwibwy stuff'd with epithets of w-waw, 
And, in *giggles shyly* concwusion, 
Nyonsuits my *moans* mediatows; fow, "Cewtes," says he, 
"-"I have awweady chose my officew." 
And what was he? 
Fowsooth, a OwO gweat awithmetician, 
Onye Michaew Cassio, a-a Fwowentinye 
(A f-fewwow a-awmost d-damn'd i-in a faiw wife) 
*notices bulge* That nyevew set a-a squadwon xDD in the fiewd, 
*shuffles closer* Nyow the division of a battwe knyows 
Mowe *hugs tightly* than a spinstew; unwess the bookish *leans over* theowic, 
Whewein the toged *blushes* consuws can pwopose 
As mastewwy a-as he. M-Mewe pwattwe without pwactice 
:33 Is a-aww his s-sowdiewship. But he, siw, *looks away* had the ewection; 
xDD And uWu I, of whom *looks away* his eyes had seen the *looks away* pwoof 
At Whodes, at Cypwus, and >w< on othew gwounds 
Chwistian and heathen, m-must be bewee'd and cawm'd 
By debitow *looks at you* and cweditow. This countew-castew, 
He, in *pokes you* good time, must h-his wieutenyant be, 
*moans* And I- *screams* God bwess the mawk!- his Moowship's ancient. 
*cries* WODEWIGO. By heaven, I wathew wouwd have been his hangman. 
IAGO. Why, thewe's nyo wemedy. 'Tis the cuwse of sewvice, 
Pwefewment goes by w-wettew and affection, 
And nyot by owd g-gwadation, w-whewe each s-second 
S-Stood heiw *cuddles you* to the fiwst. Nyow, siw, b-be j-judge youwsewf 
Whethew I *moans* in any just tewm am affinyed 
To wove the *giggles shyly* Moow. 
*looks away* WODEWIGO. I-I xDD wouwd nyot fowwow him t-then. 
IAGO. O, siw, c-content you. 
I fowwow him ;;w;; to sewve my tuwn upon him: 
*twerks* We *sighs* cannyot :3 aww be mastews, >w< nyow aww mastews 
*cuddles you* Cannyot be twuwy fowwow'd. You >_< shaww mawk 
M-Many a OwO duteous a-and knyee-cwooking knyave, 
That ^.^ doting o-on his own obsequious bondage 
*sighs* Weaws out his time, *cuddles you* much *sweats* wike h-his mastew's ass, 
Fow nyought but pwovendew, and when he's owd, cashiew'd. 
Whip me s-such honyest knyaves. *looks away* Othews thewe awe 
*cries* Who, twimm'd i-in fowms a-and v-visages of duty, 
Keep yet theiw heawts attending on t-themsewves, 
And thwowing but shows of sewvice on theiw wowds 
Do weww *sighs* thwive b-by them; and when they have w-winyed t-theiw coats 
Do themsewves homage. These fewwows have some uWu souw, 
And such a onye do I pwofess mysewf. 
Fow, siw, 
It is as s-suwe as you awe Wodewigo, 
Wewe I the M-Moow, I w-wouwd nyot be Iago. 
In f-fowwowing him, I fowwow but mysewf; 
Heaven is my judge, nyot I-I fow wove and d-duty, 
But seeming s-so, fow m-my p-pecuwiaw end. 
Fow when my *cries* outwawd action doth demonstwate 
T-The nyative a-act and f-figuwe of my heawt 
In compwement extewn, '-'tis *twerks* nyot wong aftew 
But I wiww weaw my heawt upon my sweeve 
Fow daws to peck at: I am nyot what *blushes* I am. 
WODEWIGO. >_< What a fuww fowtunye does >w< the thick-wips owe, 
*moans* If he *giggles shyly* can cawwy't thus! 
I-IAGO. *shuffles closer* Caww up hew ;;w;; fathew, 
Wouse him, make aftew him, poison his dewight, 
Pwocwaim UwU him in *looks away* the stweets, i-incense hew *twerks* kinsmen, 
And, though he in *teleports behind you* a fewtiwe cwimate d-dweww, 
Pwague h-him with fwies. >w< Though *shuffles closer* that his joy be joy, 
Yet thwow such changes of *shuffles closer* vexation on't 
As it may wose some cowow. 
*cuddles you* WODEWIGO. *blushes* Hewe is hew f-fathew's *blushes* house; I'ww caww a-awoud. 
*notices bulge* IAGO. Do, with *leans over* wike timowous accent *twerks* and diwe yeww 
As when, xDD by nyight and ^w^ nyegwigence, *giggles shyly* the *looks away* fiwe 
Is spied in popuwous cities. 
WODEWIGO. What, ho, Bwabantio! Signyiow Bwabantio, ho! 
IAGO. >w< Awake! What, ho, Bwabantio! Thieves! Thieves! *moans* Thieves! 
*cries* Wook to youw h-house, youw daughtew, a-and *looks at you* youw b-bags! 
T-Thieves! Thieves! 

Bwabantio appeaws a-above, at a window. 

BWABANTIO. What i-is the weason of this tewwibwe *leans over* summons? 
What is the mattew thewe? 
WODEWIGO. Signyiow, is aww y-youw famiwy within? 
IAGO. Awe youw doows wock'd? 
BWABANTIO. Why? Whewefowe ask you this? 
IAGO. 'Zounds, siw, you'we wobb'd! Fow shame, put on youw gown; 
Youw heawt is buwst, you have *screams* wost hawf youw souw; 
*twerks* Even nyow, nyow, vewy nyow, xDD an owd bwack wam 
Is tupping *looks at you* youw white ewe. Awise, awise! 
A-Awake the s-snyowting citizens with the beww, 
Ow ewse the deviw wiww make a gwandsiwe o-of you. 
Awise, OwO I OwO say! 
B-BWABANTIO. What, h-have you wost y-youw wits? 
W-WODEWIGO. Most wevewend signyiow, do you knyow my voice? 
BWABANTIO. *cuddles you* Nyot I. What awe you? 
WODEWIGO. My nyame is Wodewigo. 
BWABANTIO. T-The wowsew wewcome. 
I have chawged thee nyot to haunt about ;;w;; my x3 doows. 
In h-honyest pwainnyess *notices bulge* thou hast heawd me say 
My daughtew is *looks away* nyot fow thee; a-and nyow, in madnyess, 
uWu Being fuww of suppew and distempewing dwaughts, 
Upon mawicious bwavewy, dost thou come 
To stawt m-my quiet. 
WODEWIGO. Siw, siw, *leans over* siw- 
BWABANTIO. But thou must nyeeds be xDD suwe 
My spiwit and my pwace h-have in them p-powew 
T-To make this bittew *hugs tightly* to >w< thee. 
WODEWIGO. P-Patience, g-good siw. 
BWABANTIO. What teww'st thou *notices bulge* me of wobbing? This is Venyice; 
xDD My house i-is nyot a gwange. 
WODEWIGO. *shuffles closer* Most *hugs tightly* gwave Bwabantio, 
In simpwe and puwe souw I come to you. 
IAGO. 'Zounds, siw, you awe onye of those that wiww nyot sewve God, 
;;w;; if t-the deviw bid you. Because ;;w;; we come to do *sweats* you sewvice and you 
think we awe wuffians, :33 you'ww h-have *pokes you* youw *sighs* daughtew covewed with a-a 
Bawbawy howse; you'ww have youw nyephews nyeigh to you; y-you'ww have 
couwsews fow cousins, and gennyets fow gewmans. 
BWABANTIO. What *cuddles you* pwofanye wwetch awt thou? 
IAGO. I am onye, siw, >_> that comes to teww *moans* you youw daughtew and *moans* the 
Moow OwO awe nyow *cuddles you* making the beast w-with t-two backs. 
BWABANTIO. Thou *notices bulge* awe a viwwain. 
IAGO. You awe- a senyatow. 
BWABANTIO. T-This thou shawt answew; I knyow thee, Wodewigo. 
*sighs* WODEWIGO. Siw, I wiww answew anything. *sighs* But, *moans* I b-beseech you, 
If't be y-youw pweasuwe and m-most wise consent, 
As pawtwy I *teleports behind you* find it is, that youw faiw daughtew, 
At this odd-even and duww watch o' the nyight, 
Twanspowted with nyo wowse nyow bettew *cries* guawd 
But >_< with a knyave of c-common hiwe, a gondowiew, 
To the gwoss cwasps *sweats* of a wascivious Moow- 
*teleports behind you* If this *sighs* be knyown to you, and youw awwowance, 
We then have donye y-you b-bowd and saucy :3 wwongs; 
But OwO if *moans* you knyow nyot this, my mannyews teww me 
We have youw w-wwong webuke. Do nyot bewieve 
*giggles shyly* That, fwom the sense *moans* of aww civiwity, 
I thus *moans* wouwd *cuddles you* pway a-and twifwe with youw wevewence. 
Youw daughtew, if you h-have nyot *notices bulge* given hew weave, 
I say again, hath made a gwoss wevowt, 
Tying hew duty, beauty, wit, and fowtunyes 
*blushes* In *looks at you* an *sweats* extwavagant and wheewing stwangew 
xDD Of hewe and evewywhewe. Stwaight satisfy youwsewf: 
If :3 she be *teleports behind you* in hew chambew ow y-youw house, 
Wet woose on me the justice of xDD the state 
Fow thus dewuding *shuffles closer* you. 
BWABANTIO. Stwike on the t-tindew, uWu ho! 
Give me a tapew! Caww u-up a-aww my peopwe! 
T-This accident is nyot ^.^ unwike my >_< dweam; 
Bewief of ^-^ it *shuffles closer* oppwesses me *blushes* awweady. 
Wight, I say, wight! *pokes you* Exit above. 
IAGO. Faweweww, fow I-I must *sweats* weave you. 
It seems nyot ^.^ meet, nyow whowesome to my pwace, 
To be pwoduced- as, if I stay, I shaww- 
Against >_> the Moow; fow I do knyow, t-the state, 
Howevew t-this may gaww him *cries* with some check, 
Cannyot with safety cast him, fow h-he's embawk'd 
With such woud :3 weason to xDD the *moans* Cypwus waws, 
Which even nyow s-stands in act, t-that, fow t-theiw souws, 
A-Anyothew of his fathom they have nyonye 
To wead theiw businyess; i-in which wegawd, 
T-Though I-I do hate h-him *teleports behind you* as I do heww *looks away* pains, 
Yet fow nyecessity of *cries* pwesent :3 wife, 
I m-must show *pokes you* out a-a fwag and sign o-of *twerks* wove, 
*shuffles closer* Which is indeed but sign. That you shaww suwewy find him, 
Wead uWu to the Sagittawy t-the waised seawch, 
And thewe wiww I be uWu with ^.^ him. So faweweww. Exit. 

Entew, bewow, Bwabantio, *teleports behind you* in h-his n-nyightgown, a-and 
Sewvants with towches. 

BWABANTIO. It uWu is *blushes* too *cuddles you* twue :33 an e-eviw: gonye she i-is, 
A-And what's to come of m-my despised t-time 
Is nyought b-but bittewnyess. ^.^ Nyow, *shuffles closer* Wodewigo, 
Whewe *cries* didst t-thou see hew? O unhappy giww! 
*hugs tightly* With the *screams* Moow, say'st t-thou? Who wouwd be a fathew! 
How didst t-thou knyow 'twas she? O, *looks at you* she *looks at you* deceives me 
Past thought! What *looks at you* said s-she *teleports behind you* to you? G-Get mowe tapews. 
Waise aww my kindwed. Awe they mawwied, think you? 
WODEWIGO. Twuwy, I think *giggles shyly* they awe. 
BWABANTIO. O heaven! How got she out? O tweason *leans over* of the bwood! 
Fathews, fwom hence >_< twust nyot *giggles shyly* youw daughtews' minds 
By x3 what you see them act. Is thewe xDD nyot chawms 
By w-which t-the pwopewty of youth and maidhood 
May *notices bulge* be abused? Have you :33 nyot wead, Wodewigo, 
Of some ^.^ such thing? 
WODEWIGO. Y-Yes, siw, I-I have indeed. 
BWABANTIO. Caww up my bwothew. O, w-wouwd you had had ;;w;; hew! 
Some onye way, :3 some anyothew. D-Do you knyow 
OwO Whewe we may appwehend hew and the Moow? 
W-WODEWIGO. I think I-I can discovew him, if you pwease 
To get g-good guawd and go *cuddles you* awong with me. 
:33 BWABANTIO. Pway you, wead on. At evewy h-house I'ww caww; 
I may command at most. Get weapons, xDD ho! 
And waise some x3 speciaw officews *sighs* of nyight. 
On, good *sighs* Wodewigo, I'ww *cuddles you* desewve youw p-pains. Exeunt. 




S-SCENyE II. 
Anyothew *moans* stweet. 

Entew Othewwo, Iago, and Attendants with towches. 

I-IAGO. Though in t-the *leans over* twade o-of *leans over* waw I have swain men, 
Yet d-do I-I howd *shuffles closer* it *sighs* vewy stuff o' the conscience 
T-To do n-nyo contwived *twerks* muwthew. I wack i-inyiquity 
Sometimes to do me sewvice. Nyinye ow ten t-times 
*cries* I had thought to have yewk'd *looks away* him hewe undew the wibs. 
OTHEWWO. 'Tis bettew as i-it is. 
I-IAGO. Nyay, but *pokes you* he pwated 
A-And spoke such scuwvy and pwovoking tewms 
Against youw *looks away* honyow 
*giggles shyly* That, with the wittwe godwinyess I have, 
I did fuww hawd ^.^ fowbeaw him. But I p-pway you, siw, 
Awe *sweats* you fast mawwied? Be a-assuwed of this, 
That the *pokes you* magnyifico is *moans* much *notices bulge* bewoved, 
And hath i-in his *twerks* effect a voice uWu potentiaw 
As doubwe a-as the D-Duke's. He wiww divowce you, 
Ow put upon :3 you *cuddles you* what westwaint and gwievance 
T-The waw, with aww h-his might t-to enfowce it on, 
Wiww give him cabwe. 
OTHEWWO. Wet *shuffles closer* him do his spite. 
My sewvices, which I h-have donye the signyiowy, 
Shaww *giggles shyly* out-tongue his compwaints. 'Tis yet to *looks away* knyow- 
Which, when :3 I knyow *cries* that b-boasting is an honyow, 
I shaww pwomuwgate- I fetch my :3 wife *pokes you* and being 
Fwom men of woyaw siege, and my demewits 
May speak unbonnyeted to as pwoud a fowtunye 
A-As this that I have weach'd. Fow knyow, I-Iago, 
But t-that I wove the g-gentwe Desdemonya, 
I wouwd nyot my unhoused fwee condition 
*sighs* Put into ciwcumscwiption and confinye 
F-Fow the sea's wowth. But, wook! W-What wights come yond? 
IAGO. Those *sighs* awe the waised f-fathew and his fwiends. 
You wewe best go in. 
OTHEWWO. Nyot I; I must be f-found. 
*cuddles you* My pawts, my titwe, and my pewfect souw 
^.^ Shaww manyifest m-me wightwy. I-Is it t-they? 
I-IAGO. By Janyus, I think nyo. 

Entew Cassio and cewtain Officews with towches. 

OTHEWWO. T-The sewvants of the Duke? And m-my wieutenyant? 
;;w;; The goodnyess of the nyight upon you, fwiends! 
^.^ What UwU is the nyews? 
CASSIO. The Duke does gweet you, g-genyewaw, 
And he wequiwes youw haste-post-haste appeawance, 
Even *teleports behind you* on the instant. 
OTHEWWO. What is the *sighs* mattew, t-think y-you? 
*leans over* CASSIO. Something fwom Cypwus, as I may ^-^ divinye; 
It is a *cries* businyess *leans over* of some heat. The gawweys 
Have sent >_< a dozen *sweats* sequent messengews 
This vewy nyight at o-onye a-anyothew's *cries* heews; 
And >_> many *sighs* of the consuws, waised *shuffles closer* and m-met, 
Awe at the Duke's awweady. *cries* You have been hotwy c-caww'd fow, 
W-When, being nyot at youw wodging to be found, 
The Senyate OwO hath s-sent about thwee sevewaw quests 
To seawch :33 you out. 
OTHEWWO. '-'Tis w-weww I-I a-am found by ;;w;; you. 
I wiww but spend a wowd hewe in the house 
A-And go w-with you. Exit. 
CASSIO. Ancient, ;;w;; what *sweats* makes he hewe? 
IAGO. Faith, he tonyight hath boawded a wand cawack; 
*twerks* If it *blushes* pwove wawfuw pwize, *pokes you* he's made fowevew. 
C-CASSIO. I *blushes* do nyot undewstand. 
IAGO. H-He's mawwied. 
CASSIO. *cries* To who? 

:33 We-entew Othewwo. 

*teleports behind you* IAGO. Mawwy, to- Come, captain, ^.^ wiww you ^-^ go? 
OTHEWWO. Have with you. 
C-CASSIO. Hewe comes a-anyothew twoop to s-seek fow you. 
I-IAGO. It is Bwabantio. Genyewaw, be advised, 
He comes to bad intent. 

*pokes you* Entew *looks at you* Bwabantio, *sighs* Wodewigo, and Officews with towches 
*hugs tightly* and x3 weapons. 

O-OTHEWWO. *sighs* Howwa! Stand thewe! 
WODEWIGO. Signyiow, it is the Moow. 
>_< BWABANTIO. Down with him, thief! 
They dwaw on *moans* both sides. 
IAGO. You, Wodewigo! Come, siw, I-I am fow >_> you. 
OTHEWWO. Keep >_> up youw bwight >_< swowds, fow *shuffles closer* the dew wiww wust them. 
Good signyiow, you shaww mowe x3 command with yeaws 
Than with y-youw >w< weapons. 
BWABANTIO. O thou fouw thief, whewe hast :3 thou stow'd my daughtew? 
Damn'd a-as ;;w;; thou awt, thou hast enchanted hew, 
Fow I'ww w-wefew me to *blushes* aww things of sense, 
If she in *blushes* chains *looks at you* of magic wewe n-nyot bound, 
W-Whethew a-a xDD maid so tendew, *cries* faiw, and happy, 
So opposite >_< to mawwiage that she shunn'd 
T-The weawthy, cuwwed :3 dawwings of ouw nyation, 
Wouwd evew have, to incuw *cuddles you* a genyewaw mock, 
Wun fwom hew guawdage to the sooty bosom 
Of such a-a thing ;;w;; as thou- to feaw, *moans* nyot to dewight. 
Judge ;;w;; me the wowwd, if 'tis nyot gwoss in s-sense 
That t-thou hast pwacticed on hew with fouw chawms, 
Abused hew dewicate y-youth with d-dwugs ow minyewaws 
That weaken motion. I'ww h-have't *teleports behind you* disputed >_> on; 
'Tis pwobabwe, and p-pawpabwe to thinking. 
I thewefowe appwehend and do *sweats* attach thee 
*screams* Fow an abusew ;;w;; of the :3 wowwd, a pwacticew 
Of awts *cuddles you* inhibited and out o-of OwO wawwant. 
Way howd upon him. If *blushes* he do wesist, 
Subdue him a-at his pewiw. 
OTHEWWO. Howd youw hands, 
B-Both you of my incwinying and ;;w;; the west. 
Wewe x3 it my cue t-to fight, I shouwd have knyown it 
Without a pwomptew. Whewe wiww y-you that I go 
To answew this youw chawge? 
BWABANTIO. To pwison, tiww fit time 
Of waw x3 and couwse of diwect session 
C-Caww thee t-to answew. 
>w< OTHEWWO. What if *moans* I do obey? 
How may the Duke be thewewith *shuffles closer* satisfied, 
Whose messengews *blushes* awe hewe about my side, 
U-Upon some pwesent b-businyess of the >_> state 
To bwing me to him? 
FIWST OFFICEW. 'Tis twue, most wowthy *notices bulge* signyiow; 
The Duke's in c-counciw, and youw n-nyobwe s-sewf, 
x3 I am *sweats* suwe, is sent fow. 
BWABANTIO. >_< How? T-The Duke in counciw? 
In this time of the nyight? Bwing him away; 
*pokes you* Minye's nyot a-an idwe cause. The Duke himsewf, 
O-Ow a-any *sweats* of my bwothews of the state, 
Cannyot ;;w;; but feew this wwong *pokes you* as 'twewe t-theiw own; 
Fow i-if *twerks* such actions m-may have passage fwee, 
B-Bond swaves and pagans shaww x3 ouw statesmen be. *shuffles closer* Exeunt. 




SCENyE III. 
A counciw chambew. The Duke and Senyatows sitting ^-^ at a tabwe; 
Officews attending. 

DUKE. Thewe is nyo composition in these nyews 
That gives them cwedit. 
F-FIWST SENyATOW. Indeed they *screams* awe d-dispwopowtion'd; 
My wettews say a hundwed and s-seven gawweys. 
D-DUKE. A-And minye, a hundwed and fowty. 
SECOND SENyATOW. And minye, t-two hundwed. 
B-But uWu though they j-jump nyot on a just a-account- 
As i-in *sweats* these >w< cases, whewe the aim wepowts, 
'Tis oft with diffewence- *giggles shyly* yet do they aww confiwm 
A Tuwkish fweet, and beawing up t-to Cypwus. 
DUKE. Nyay, it is ^-^ possibwe enyough to judgement. 
I-I do nyot so secuwe me in *twerks* the ewwow, 
But the main awticwe I do a-appwove 
In feawfuw sense. 
SAIWOW. [Within.] What, ho! What, ho! What, ho! 
FIWST OwO OFFICEW. A messengew fwom the gawweys. 

Entew Saiwow. 

DUKE. Nyow, w-what's the businyess? 
SAIWOW. The Tuwkish pwepawation makes *pokes you* fow Whodes, 
So was I bid w-wepowt hewe to the state 
By Signyiow Angewo. 
DUKE. ^w^ How say you by this *cries* change? 
FIWST SENyATOW. This :3 cannyot *cuddles you* be, 
By nyo assay of ;;w;; weason; 'tis a pageant 
To keep us i-in fawse gaze. When we considew 
The impowtancy of Cypwus to the Tuwk, 
And *twerks* wet ouwsewves again but undewstand 
That as it mowe concewns the Tuwk than Whodes, 
S-So *sighs* may he ;;w;; with mowe faciwe question b-beaw it, 
UwU Fow that it stands nyot in *blushes* such wawwike bwace, 
But a-awtogethew *pokes you* wacks the abiwities 
That W-Whodes is dwess'd in. If we make thought of this, 
We m-must nyot :33 think the Tuwk i-is so unskiwwfuw 
To *looks away* weave that watest which c-concewns him fiwst, 
Nyegwecting an attempt o-of ease and gain, 
To wake and :33 wage *shuffles closer* a dangew pwofitwess. 
DUKE. N-Nyay, in aww c-confidence, he's nyot fow ^.^ Whodes. 
FIWST OFFICEW. Hewe i-is >_< mowe nyews. 

Entew a Messengew. 

MESSENGEW. The Ottomites, wevewend and gwacious, 
Steewing with due couwse *blushes* towawd t-the iswe of Whodes, 
Have >w< thewe injointed t-them with *sighs* an aftew fweet. 
FIWST SENyATOW. Ay, so I *cries* thought. How many, a-as you guess? 
MESSENGEW. Of thiwty s-saiw; and nyow they do we-stem 
Theiw *cuddles you* backwawd couwse, beawing with fwank appeawance 
Theiw puwposes towawd Cypwus. Signyiow Montanyo, 
Youw twusty and most vawiant sewvitow, 
W-With *giggles shyly* his fwee duty wecommends y-you thus, 
A-And pways you to bewieve ^-^ him. 
DUKE. 'Tis cewtain then fow Cypwus. 
Mawcus Wuccicos, is nyot he in town? 
FIWST SENyATOW. He's nyow *moans* in Fwowence. 
DUKE. ^.^ Wwite fwom >_< us *twerks* to h-him, post-post-haste dispatch. 
FIWST UwU SENyATOW. H-Hewe c-comes Bwabantio and the vawiant Moow. 

Entew :3 Bwabantio, Othewwo, Iago, *looks at you* Wodewigo, and O-Officews. 

D-DUKE. Vawiant Othewwo, we must stwaight *pokes you* empwoy y-you 
Against the genyewaw e-enyemy Ottoman. 
[To Bwabantio.] *pokes you* I did nyot see you; wewcome, gentwe UwU signyiow; 
We wack'd youw counsew and youw hewp *screams* tonyight. 
BWABANTIO. So did *looks at you* I y-youws. *twerks* Good youw Gwace, pawdon m-me: 
Nyeithew *notices bulge* my pwace nyow aught I heawd of businyess 
Hath w-waised me f-fwom my bed, nyow doth the *cries* genyewaw cawe 
Take howd on me; fow my pawticuwaw gwief 
Is of so *cries* fwood-gate and o'ewbeawing n-nyatuwe 
T-That it engwuts and swawwows othew sowwows, 
And it is s-stiww itsewf. 
DUKE. Why, what's the m-mattew? 
BWABANTIO. M-My daughtew! O, my daughtew! 
AWW. Dead? 
B-BWABANTIO. Ay, to me. 
She is abused, s-stow'n fwom me *screams* and cowwupted 
By spewws and medicinyes bought of mountebanks; 
Fow nyatuwe so pwepostewouswy >_< to eww, 
Being nyot d-deficient, bwind, *notices bulge* ow wame of sense, 
Sans *notices bulge* witchcwaft couwd n-nyot. 
D-DUKE. *pokes you* Whoe'ew he be that in this fouw pwoceeding 
*hugs tightly* Hath thus beguiwed youw xDD daughtew of hewsewf 
And *moans* you of h-hew, the b-bwoody book of *looks away* waw 
You shaww youwsewf wead in t-the bittew wettew 
Aftew *looks away* youw own sense, yea, though ouw *twerks* pwopew *notices bulge* son 
Stood i-in youw a-action. 
BWABANTIO. Humbwy I thank youw Gwace. 
*pokes you* Hewe i-is the man, *cuddles you* this M-Moow, whom nyow, it s-seems, 
Youw speciaw >_> mandate *giggles shyly* fow *screams* the state affaiws 
*twerks* Hath hithew bwought. 
A-AWW. W-We a-awe v-vewy sowwy fow't. 
DUKE. [To Othewwo.] What in y-youw *cries* own pawt c-can you *cries* say to this? 
BWABANTIO. *cries* Nyothing, but t-this is so. 
OTHEWWO. Most *hugs tightly* potent, g-gwave, and wevewend signyiows, 
My vewy nyobwe and appwoved good mastews, 
That I have t-ta'en away this >w< owd :3 man's *pokes you* daughtew, 
It is most twue; twue, I have mawwied hew; 
The vewy head and fwont of :33 my offending 
H-Hath *hugs tightly* this extent, nyo mowe. Wude xDD am I ^.^ in my speech, 
And *shuffles closer* wittwe bwest with the soft ^-^ phwase of peace; 
x3 Fow since these awms of minye had seven yeaws' pith, 
Tiww nyow *looks at you* some nyinye moons wasted, they h-have xDD used 
:33 Theiw deawest action in the *looks away* tented fiewd, 
A-And :33 wittwe of x3 this gweat w-wowwd can I speak, 
Mowe than pewtains to *moans* feats of bwoiw and battwe; 
And t-thewefowe wittwe shaww I gwace my cause 
I-In speaking f-fow mysewf. ^w^ Yet, by youw gwacious patience, 
I-I *cries* wiww a wound unvawnyish'd tawe *giggles shyly* dewivew 
Of my w-whowe couwse of wove: w-what dwugs, what chawms, 
*blushes* What conjuwation, and what mighty magic- 
Fow such pwoceeding I am chawged withaw- 
I *leans over* won h-his daughtew. 
BWABANTIO. *notices bulge* A maiden n-nyevew bowd, 
Of spiwit s-so stiww and quiet that h-hew OwO motion 
B-Bwush'd a-at h-hewsewf; and she- OwO in spite of nyatuwe, 
Of yeaws, o-of countwy, cwedit, evewything- 
To faww in wove with what *pokes you* she feaw'd to wook on! 
It is judgement maim'd and UwU most impewfect, 
That wiww confess pewfection so couwd eww 
Against a-aww wuwes of nyatuwe, and must be dwiven 
To find out pwactices of cunnying heww 
Why this shouwd b-be. I-I thewefowe vouch again 
T-That with some mixtuwes powewfuw o'ew the b-bwood, 
Ow with some dwam *giggles shyly* conjuwed to *screams* this effect, 
He wwought upon hew. 
DUKE. To vouch this is nyo p-pwoof, 
Without mowe cewtain and mowe ovewt test 
Than these thin habits and *cuddles you* poow wikewihoods 
Of modewn seeming do pwefew against him. 
FIWST SENyATOW. But, *teleports behind you* Othewwo, :33 speak. 
Did you by indiwect a-and fowced *hugs tightly* couwses 
Subdue and poison this y-young maid's affections? 
Ow came i-it by wequest, and such faiw question 
As souw t-to souw affowdeth? 
OTHEWWO. >w< I do *hugs tightly* beseech you, 
S-Send fow the wady to the Sagittawy, 
And w-wet hew *pokes you* speak of me befowe hew fathew. 
If you uWu do find me fouw in h-hew >_< wepowt, 
The twust, the office I do howd *hugs tightly* of you, 
Nyot o-onwy take *looks away* away, but wet *hugs tightly* youw sentence 
*blushes* Even faww upon m-my wife. 
DUKE. F-Fetch Desdemonya hithew. 
*cries* OTHEWWO. Ancient, c-conduct t-them; you best knyow the pwace. 
Exeunt Iago and Attendants. 
And tiww she come, as twuwy as to heaven 
>_< I do confess the vices of my bwood, 
:3 So justwy to youw gwave eaws I'ww pwesent 
How I did thwive in this faiw wady's w-wove 
And she in minye. 
D-DUKE. Say it, Othewwo. 
OTHEWWO. Hew f-fathew woved me, oft invited me, 
Stiww question'd me the stowy of my w-wife 
Fwom yeaw to yeaw, >_< the battwes, sieges, fowtunyes, 
That I have pass'd. 
I wan it thwough, even fwom my boyish days 
T-To the vewy moment ^.^ that he xDD bade me teww it: 
Whewein I spake of most disastwous chances, 
Of >_< moving accidents by fwood and fiewd, 
Of haiw-bweadth 'scapes *notices bulge* i' the imminyent *cries* deadwy bweach, 
Of being taken by the insowent *looks at you* foe 
And sowd to swavewy, of *pokes you* my wedemption thence 
And powtance in my twavews' histowy; 
Whewein of antwes >_> vast and d-desewts idwe, 
W-Wough quawwies, wocks, a-and hiwws *looks at you* whose heads touch heaven, 
It was my h-hint to speak- such was the pwocess- 
And of the Cannyibaws that each othew eat, 
The Anthwopophagi, and men whose ^-^ heads 
Do gwow benyeath theiw s-shouwdews. This to h-heaw 
Wouwd Desdemonya sewiouswy :3 incwinye; 
B-But stiww the house affaiws wouwd dwaw hew thence, 
Which ^w^ evew as she couwd ^-^ with haste d-dispatch, 
She'wd come ^-^ again, and with a gweedy eaw 
Devouw u-up my discouwse; which I obsewving, 
T-Took once a pwiant houw, and found xDD good means 
To dwaw fwom hew a pwayew of ;;w;; eawnyest heawt 
That I wouwd aww my ^w^ piwgwimage diwate, 
Wheweof OwO by pawcews she had something *moans* heawd, 
But nyot intentivewy. I did consent, 
A-And often did beguiwe hew o-of hew teaws 
When I did speak of some distwessfuw s-stwoke 
That my youth suffew'd. *leans over* My stowy being donye, 
She g-gave me fow my pains a wowwd of sighs; 
She ^-^ swowe, in faith, 'twas ^w^ stwange, 'twas passing stwange; 
'Twas pitifuw, '-'twas wondwous *cries* pitifuw. 
She wish'd she had nyot h-heawd *looks away* it, yet she *blushes* wish'd 
That heaven had made ^w^ hew such a man; xDD she *teleports behind you* thank'd me, 
And b-bade me, if I h-had a fwiend that woved hew, 
>_> I shouwd but t-teach him how :33 to *sighs* teww my stowy, 
*looks away* And that wouwd woo hew. U-Upon this h-hint I spake: 
She *sighs* woved me fow the dangews I had p-pass'd, 
And I woved hew *shuffles closer* that she did pity them. 
This xDD onwy is the witchcwaft I have used. 
Hewe *blushes* comes the wady; wet hew witnyess it. 

Entew Desdemonya, Iago, and Attendants. 

DUKE. I think this tawe wouwd win my daughtew too. 
Good B-Bwabantio, 
*looks away* Take up this mangwed mattew at *cries* the best: 
Men do *twerks* theiw bwoken weapons wathew use 
Than theiw bawe hands. 
BWABANTIO. I pway you, heaw hew speak. 
If she confess that she w-was hawf the *sweats* wooew, 
D-Destwuction on m-my head, *sighs* if my bad bwame 
Wight on the man! Come hithew, gentwe m-mistwess. 
Do y-you pewceive in aww this nyobwe company 
Whewe :3 most you owe obedience? 
DESDEMONyA. My :33 nyobwe fathew, 
I *blushes* do *moans* pewceive hewe a-a *looks away* divided xDD duty. 
:33 To *leans over* you I am bound fow wife and education; 
*cuddles you* My wife and education both do weawn me 
How >_> to wespect you; you awe the ^w^ wowd of duty, 
*looks away* I am hithewto youw daughtew. But OwO hewe's my husband, 
And so much duty as my mothew show'd 
T-To you, pwefewwing you befowe *pokes you* hew f-fathew, 
S-So much I chawwenge that I >_> may pwofess 
Due to the Moow, my wowd. 
x3 BWABANTIO. God be with y-you! *shuffles closer* I have donye. 
Pwease i-it y-youw Gwace, on to *shuffles closer* the state affaiws; 
I had wathew to adopt :3 a chiwd than get it. 
Come hithew, Moow. 
I hewe do *screams* give thee that with aww my heawt 
Which, but thou hast awweady, with aww OwO my *notices bulge* heawt 
*sweats* I wouwd keep *blushes* fwom t-thee. Fow youw sake, jewew, 
I am gwad at souw I-I have n-nyo othew chiwd; 
Fow thy escape wouwd teach m-me tywanny, 
To hang ^-^ cwogs *twerks* on *leans over* them. I-I have donye, my w-wowd. 
D-DUKE. Wet *moans* me speak wike youwsewf, a-and way *cuddles you* a s-sentence 
Which, as a gwise ow *twerks* step, may hewp these *moans* wovews 
Into :33 youw favow. 
When w-wemedies awe past, the gwiefs awe ended 
B-By s-seeing the wowst, which wate on hopes depended. 
To *leans over* mouwn a mischief that is past UwU and gonye 
Is the nyext way *cries* to d-dwaw nyew mischief on. 
What cannyot be pwesewved when F-Fowtunye :33 takes, 
Patience h-hew injuwy *moans* a mockewy makes. 
The wobb'd that smiwes steaws something *looks at you* fwom the thief; 
He wobs himsewf that s-spends a bootwess g-gwief. 
BWABANTIO. So wet *teleports behind you* the Tuwk of C-Cypwus us beguiwe; 
We wose it *looks away* nyot so *leans over* wong a-as we can s-smiwe. 
He *notices bulge* beaws the sentence *giggles shyly* weww, that nyothing beaws 
But the fwee comfowt which fwom thence he heaws; 
But he beaws both the sentence a-and the sowwow 
That, *cuddles you* to pay gwief, m-must of poow patience bowwow. 
T-These sentences, to sugaw ow to *pokes you* gaww, 
uWu Being stwong on both sides, awe equivocaw. 
But wowds awe *cuddles you* wowds; xDD I nyevew yet did heaw 
That uWu the bwuised heawt was x3 piewced thwough the eaw. 
*twerks* I humbwy beseech you, p-pwoceed to *twerks* the a-affaiws *pokes you* of state. 
DUKE. *cries* The Tuwk *leans over* with a most mighty pwepawation :3 makes fow *teleports behind you* Cypwus. 
Othewwo, the fowtitude of the pwace is best *sighs* knyown to you; and 
though we have thewe a s-substitute of most *cuddles you* awwowed s-sufficiency, 
yet opinyion, *cries* a soveweign mistwess of *notices bulge* effects, thwows a mowe OwO safew 
voice o-on y-you. *looks away* You m-must thewefowe be *teleports behind you* content to >_< swubbew the gwoss 
of youw nyew fowtunyes with this mowe stubbown uWu and b-boistewous 
expedition. 
*notices bulge* OTHEWWO. The t-tywant custom, most gwave senyatows, 
Hath made *shuffles closer* the fwinty *screams* and steew couch of OwO waw 
My thwice-dwiven bed *leans over* of down. *moans* I do agnyize 
^.^ A nyatuwaw and p-pwompt a-awacwity 
I find in hawdnyess and do undewtake 
These p-pwesent waws against the Ottomites. 
x3 Most humbwy thewefowe bending uWu to youw state, 
I cwave fit disposition *hugs tightly* fow UwU my wife, 
Due wefewence of p-pwace and exhibition, 
W-With such accommodation >w< and besowt 
*leans over* As *screams* wevews with hew bweeding. 
DUKE. If you p-pwease, 
B-Be't at hew fathew's. 
BWABANTIO. I'ww nyot h-have it so. 
OTHEWWO. Nyow I. 
D-DESDEMONyA. Nyow *looks away* I. I wouwd nyot thewe *twerks* weside 
To put my *looks away* fathew in impatient thoughts 
By ^.^ being in his eye. M-Most g-gwacious Duke, 
To my unfowding xDD wend youw pwospewous eaw, 
*cuddles you* And wet me find a chawtew *leans over* in youw voice 
To ^w^ assist m-my simpwenyess. 
DUKE. What w-wouwd you, Desdemonya? 
DESDEMONyA. That I did wove the Moow t-to wive *moans* with him, 
M-My d-downwight viowence and s-stowm of fowtunyes 
M-May twumpet to the wowwd. My heawt's >w< subdued 
Even to the vewy quawity *notices bulge* of my wowd. 
I saw x3 Othewwo's visage *notices bulge* in his mind, 
And to OwO his ^-^ honyows and his vawiant pawts 
D-Did I my x3 souw *cries* and fowtunyes consecwate. 
So that, deaw *cuddles you* wowds, if I *pokes you* be weft b-behind, 
A moth of peace, and he *hugs tightly* go *looks at you* to the waw, 
The wites *screams* fow which I wove him awe beweft *screams* me, 
And I :3 a h-heavy intewim shaww *moans* suppowt 
By his deaw absence. Wet ^-^ me go with h-him. 
OTHEWWO. Wet hew have youw voices. 
V-Vouch with *blushes* me, h-heaven, *cries* I thewefowe beg it nyot 
To pwease the pawate of my appetite, 
Nyow *moans* to compwy with heat- *looks at you* the ^-^ young affects 
In me *cuddles you* defunct- and p-pwopew *notices bulge* satisfaction; 
But to be *giggles shyly* fwee and bounteous to hew mind. 
And heaven defend *giggles shyly* youw good souws, that y-you think 
I wiww y-youw *notices bulge* sewious *shuffles closer* and gweat businyess scant 
Fow she is with me. Nyo, when w-wight-wing'd toys 
Of feathew'd Cupid seew with wanton duwwnyess 
My uWu specuwative and officed instwuments, 
That my dispowts *hugs tightly* cowwupt and taint my businyess, 
Wet housewives m-make *blushes* a skiwwet of my hewm, 
UwU And aww indign and base *notices bulge* advewsities 
Make head *shuffles closer* against my estimation! 
DUKE. Be it :3 as you shaww pwivatewy detewminye, 
E-Eithew fow hew stay ow going. The affaiw >_< cwies haste, 
A-And *giggles shyly* speed must answew't: you must hence tonyight. 
DESDEMONyA. Tonyight, my wowd? 
DUKE. This nyight. 
OTHEWWO. xDD With aww my heawt. 
DUKE. At *shuffles closer* nyinye i' the mownying x3 hewe ^-^ we'ww meet again. 
Othewwo, weave some officew behind, 
A-And h-he shaww ouw commission bwing to you, 
With s-such t-things xDD ewse of quawity a-and *looks away* wespect 
As doth impowt you. 
*shuffles closer* OTHEWWO. So pwease youw Gwace, my ancient; 
A man he *giggles shyly* is o-of honyesty and twust. 
To his conveyance I assign my wife, 
W-With what ewse nyeedfuw youw *sweats* good *shuffles closer* Gwace shaww *pokes you* think 
To b-be sent aftew me. 
DUKE. Wet it be so. 
Good nyight to evewyonye. [To B-Bwabantio.] And, nyobwe s-signyiow, 
If viwtue nyo xDD dewighted b-beauty wack, 
Youw son-in-waw is faw mowe faiw than bwack. 
FIWST SENyATOW. Adieu, bwave Moow, use Desdemonya weww. 
BWABANTIO. Wook to ^-^ hew, Moow, if thou h-hast eyes to see; 
:3 She has deceived hew fathew, and may t-thee. 
Exeunt Duke, *screams* Senyatows, *cuddles you* and Officews. 
OTHEWWO. M-My wife u-upon *leans over* hew faith! Honyest Iago, 
My Desdemonya UwU must I weave to thee. 
I-I *giggles shyly* pwithee, wet thy wife a-attend on hew, 
And bwing t-them aftew in the best advantage. 
*leans over* Come, Desdemonya, I h-have but an houw 
Of wove, of wowwdwy mattews and diwection, 
T-To s-spend with thee. We *screams* must *sweats* obey the *sighs* time. 
Exeunt *sighs* Othewwo and Desdemonya. 
WODEWIGO. I-Iago! 
IAGO. What say'st thou, nyobwe heawt? 
WODEWIGO. UwU What wiww I do, thinkest thou? 
IAGO. Why, go t-to bed and s-sweep. 
W-WODEWIGO. I wiww i-incontinyentwy dwown mysewf. 
IAGO. I-If thou dost, I ^w^ shaww nyevew w-wove thee a-aftew. 
Why, t-thou siwwy gentweman! 
WODEWIGO. It ^.^ is siwwinyess to w-wive when t-to w-wive is towment, and then 
have we >w< a pwescwiption to die when death is ouw p-physician. 
I-IAGO. O-O v-viwwainyous! I have wooked upon t-the wowwd fow fouw times 
seven *notices bulge* yeaws, and s-since I couwd distinguish *leans over* betwixt a benyefit and 
an injuwy, uWu I nyevew found man that k-knyew how to wove himsewf. E-Ewe I 
wouwd *blushes* say >w< I wouwd dwown mysewf fow *pokes you* the *screams* wove o-of a-a guinyea hen, I 
wouwd change my humanyity with a-a baboon. 
WODEWIGO. What *sighs* shouwd I d-do? *notices bulge* I confess it is m-my shame to be so fond, 
but i-it is nyot in *cuddles you* my viwtue to amend i-it. 
IAGO. Viwtue? a fig! 'Tis in ouwsewves t-that we awe thus ow thus. 
O-Ouw b-bodies awe g-gawdens, to the ^w^ which o-ouw wiwws awe gawdenyews; so 
that if we ^-^ wiww p-pwant nyettwes ow sow wettuce, set *sighs* hyssop and weed 
up thyme, suppwy it *moans* with onye gendew of hewbs ow *cries* distwact it with 
many, eithew to have i-it stewiwe with idwenyess ow manyuwed with 
industwy, *sweats* why, the powew and cowwigibwe *twerks* authowity of this *looks at you* wies i-in 
ouw wiwws. If the *looks away* bawance of *sweats* ouw wives had nyot onye s-scawe of 
w-weason to p-poise anyothew of sensuawity, the b-bwood and basenyess of 
>w< ouw nyatuwes w-wouwd conduct us to most pwepostewous concwusions. 
B-But we have weason to coow ouw waging motions, ouw cawnyaw stings, 
ouw u-unbitted >_< wusts; wheweof I t-take this, that y-you caww wove, to 
be a-a sect ow scion. 
W-WODEWIGO. I-It *sweats* cannyot x3 be. 
IAGO. It i-is mewewy a wust of the bwood and >_> a pewmission of the 
:33 wiww. Come, *sweats* be a man! *notices bulge* Dwown thysewf? *teleports behind you* Dwown cats and bwind 
^-^ puppies. I have pwofessed me thy *looks away* fwiend, and I confess *blushes* me knyit to 
thy desewving with cabwes o-of pewduwabwe toughnyess; I couwd nyevew 
bettew stead t-thee than *pokes you* nyow. ^-^ Put ;;w;; monyey in *giggles shyly* thy puwse; fowwow thou 
the waws; d-defeat thy *moans* favow with an usuwped beawd. >_> I say, p-put 
monyey in thy p-puwse. It cannyot b-be that Desdemonya shouwd wong 
continyue hew wove to the *sweats* Moow- p-put monyey in thy puwse- nyow he *looks at you* his 
to hew. It was a *sighs* viowent commencement, and thou shawt >_< see a-an 
answewabwe sequestwation- put but monyey in thy *cries* puwse. ^w^ These Moows 
*looks at you* awe changeabwe i-in theiw wiwws- f-fiww thy puwse *teleports behind you* with monyey. The 
food that to him nyow is as wuscious as wocusts, shaww be to him 
showtwy a-as acewb as the *moans* cowoquintida. She must change fow youth; 
when she is sated with his *moans* body, *cuddles you* she wiww *screams* find the e-ewwow of *teleports behind you* hew 
choice. She must have change, she must; thewefowe put monyey in 
thy p-puwse. If thou *shuffles closer* wiwt nyeeds damn thysewf, do it a mowe dewicate 
w-way than dwownying. Make aww the monyey thou canst. ;;w;; If sanctimony 
and a f-fwaiw vow betwixt an ewwing bawbawian *leans over* and a-a supewsubtwe 
Venyetian be nyot too hawd fow my wits and aww *moans* the *giggles shyly* twibe of heww, 
thou shawt e-enjoy hew- thewefowe make monyey. A-A pox of *cuddles you* dwownying 
thysewf! I-It i-is cwean out o-of the way. *screams* Seek thou wathew to be 
hanged in compassing thy joy than to be dwownyed a-and g-go *blushes* without 
hew. 
WODEWIGO. Wiwt thou be fast to my hopes, *blushes* if I depend o-on the issue? 
IAGO. Thou awt suwe of me- g-go, make monyey. I-I have towd thee often, 
and I-I weteww thee again and again, I *pokes you* hate *looks at you* the Moow. My c-cause *screams* is 
h-heawted; t-thinye hath nyo wess *notices bulge* weason. Wet :33 us be conjunctive in ouw 
wevenge against him. If thou canst *screams* cuckowd him, thou dost *cries* thysewf 
a pweasuwe, UwU me a spowt. T-Thewe awe many events in t-the womb of time 
which wiww be dewivewed. Twavewse, go, pwovide t-thy m-monyey. We wiww 
have mowe of this tomowwow. A-Adieu. 
WODEWIGO. Whewe shaww we meet i-i' *sweats* the mownying? 
xDD IAGO. At *looks away* my wodging. 
WODEWIGO. I'ww be with thee betimes. 
IAGO. Go to, faweweww. Do y-you heaw, Wodewigo? 
WODEWIGO. What say ;;w;; you? 
IAGO. Nyo mowe of dwownying, do you heaw? 
WODEWIGO. OwO I a-am changed; I'ww go s-seww aww m-my wand. *leans over* Exit. 
IAGO. Thus do I evew make my foow my puwse; 
Fow I minye own gain'd knyowwedge shouwd *pokes you* pwofanye 
If I wouwd time expend with such *hugs tightly* a snyipe 
But fow *pokes you* my spowt and pwofit. I hate the Moow, 
*looks away* And it is t-thought abwoad that 'twixt *sighs* my sheets 
He has d-donye my office. I knyow *pokes you* nyot if't be :3 twue, 
But I fow mewe >_> suspicion x3 in that kind 
W-Wiww do as if fow s-suwety. He howds me weww, 
*hugs tightly* The bettew shaww my uWu puwpose wowk on him. 
C-Cassio's a pwopew man. Wet me see *giggles shyly* nyow- 
To ^.^ get his pwace, uWu and to pwume up my wiww 
In doubwe knyavewy- How, *leans over* how?- Wet's *blushes* see- 
A-Aftew some time, to abuse Othewwo's eaw 
That he is uWu too f-famiwiaw with his w-wife. 
He hath a pewson a-and a-a smooth *cuddles you* dispose 
To b-be suspected- fwamed to make w-women fawse. 
*looks at you* The M-Moow is of ^-^ a *cries* fwee and *cuddles you* open nyatuwe, 
That thinks uWu men honyest that but *screams* seem to be so, 
And w-wiww as tendewwy be w-wed by the nyose 
As *notices bulge* asses awe. 
I have't. I-It is e-engendew'd. Heww and nyight 
Must *shuffles closer* bwing this monstwous biwth to the *hugs tightly* wowwd's ^-^ wight. 
x3 Exit. 




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A-ACT II. SCENyE I-I. 
;;w;; A seapowt in Cypwus. *giggles shyly* An open pwace nyeaw the quay. 

Entew Montanyo and *shuffles closer* two Gentwemen. 

MONTANyO. W-What *notices bulge* fwom the >_> cape can you discewn at sea? 
FIWST G-GENTWEMAN. Nyothing at aww. It is a-a high-wwought fwood; 
I cannyot, 'twixt the heaven and the >_< main, 
Descwy a saiw. 
MONTANyO. Methinks the wind *cuddles you* hath spoke awoud at *screams* wand; 
A f-fuwwew bwast nye'ew *teleports behind you* shook *giggles shyly* ouw battwements. 
*looks away* If it *pokes you* hath wuffian'd so u-upon *cries* the sea, 
What wibs :3 of oak, *notices bulge* when mountains m-mewt on them, 
Can howd the mowtise? What shaww we heaw of *giggles shyly* this? 
SECOND G-GENTWEMAN. A-A segwegation o-of t-the Tuwkish fweet. 
Fow do but stand upon OwO the f-foaming showe, 
The chidden b-biwwow seems to pewt t-the cwouds; 
*pokes you* The w-wind-shaked suwge, ^-^ with high and monstwous *blushes* manye, 
*moans* Seems to cast watew on the *sweats* buwnying xDD beaw, 
And q-quench the guawds of the evew-fixed powe. 
I UwU nyevew did wike mowestation view 
xDD On the enchafed fwood. 
MONTANyO. If that the Tuwkish f-fweet 
B-Be nyot enshewtew'd and embay'd, they awe dwown'd; 
It is impossibwe to beaw it *notices bulge* out. 

Entew a thiwd Gentweman. 

THIWD GENTWEMAN. N-Nyews, wads! O-Ouw waws a-awe donye. 
T-The *teleports behind you* despewate tempest hath so bang'd *looks at you* the *leans over* Tuwks, 
That theiw designment hawts. A nyobwe ship of Venyice 
Hath seen *moans* a gwievous wweck and suffewance 
On most pawt o-of theiw fweet. 
MONTANyO. H-How? Is this twue? 
THIWD GENTWEMAN. The ship is hewe put in, 
A Vewonyesa. :33 Michaew *cries* Cassio, 
Wieutenyant *teleports behind you* to the w-wawwike Moow, Othewwo, 
Is come *leans over* on s-showe; the Moow himsewf at s-sea, 
And i-is in fuww commission hewe fow Cypwus. 
MONTANyO. I x3 am *looks away* gwad on't; 'tis a wowthy govewnyow. 
*sighs* THIWD GENTWEMAN. But >w< this same Cassio, though he speak of comfowt 
Touching the Tuwkish *cries* woss, yet h-he w-wooks sadwy 
And pways OwO the Moow be safe; fow *sighs* they wewe pawted 
With fouw and viowent tempest. 
MONTANyO. Pway heavens he be, 
Fow I have x3 sewved h-him, and ^.^ the *twerks* man commands 
Wike a fuww sowdiew. Wet's to *leans over* the seaside, h-ho! 
As weww t-to see the vessew that's come in 
As to thwow out ouw eyes f-fow bwave O-Othewwo, 
Even tiww >w< we make t-the main a-and the aewiaw bwue 
A-An indistinct wegawd. 
^w^ THIWD GENTWEMAN. Come, wet's do so, 
Fow *sweats* evewy minyute i-is e-expectancy 
Of uWu mowe awwivance. 

Entew Cassio. 

CASSIO. Thanks, you *sweats* the vawiant o-of *teleports behind you* this wawwike uWu iswe, 
That so appwove the Moow! O, wet t-the *shuffles closer* heavens 
Give h-him defense against the ewements, 
F-Fow I have wost him *leans over* on a dangewous sea. 
MONTANyO. *looks away* I s-she weww shipp'd? 
CASSIO. His bawk is stoutwy timbew'd, and his *screams* piwot 
Of vewy OwO expewt and appwoved awwowance; 
Thewefowe m-my hopes, nyot suwfeited to death, 
S-Stand i-in bowd cuwe. 
A cwy within, :3 "A saiw, a saiw, a saiw!" 

Entew a f-fouwth Gentweman. 

What nyoise? 
FOUWTH GENTWEMAN. The town :33 is >_< empty; on *twerks* the bwow o' the *shuffles closer* sea 
S-Stand w-wanks of peopwe, and t-they cwy, "A saiw!" 
CASSIO. My hopes do *twerks* shape h-him fow the govewnyow. 
Guns *pokes you* heawd. 
*twerks* SECOND GENTWEMAN. They do d-dischawge theiw *cries* shot of *blushes* couwtesy- 
Ouw fwiends at w-weast. 
CASSIO. I pway you, >_> siw, go fowth, 
A-And give us twuth who 'tis that *notices bulge* is awwived. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. I shaww. Exit. 
*teleports behind you* MONTANyO. But, good w-wieutenyant, i-is youw genyewaw wived? 
CASSIO. Most fowtunyatewy: *shuffles closer* he *moans* hath achieved a maid 
>_< That pawagons *twerks* descwiption and wiwd f-fame, 
Onye that excews the *sighs* quiwks *moans* of bwazonying ;;w;; pens, 
*looks at you* And i-in the *cuddles you* essentiaw vestuwe o-of cweation 
Does tiwe the ingenyew. 

We-entew s-second *teleports behind you* Gentweman. 

How n-nyow! who has put in? 
SECOND *teleports behind you* GENTWEMAN. 'Tis onye Iago, *looks at you* ancient to t-the genyewaw. 
CASSIO. He has had most >_< favowabwe a-and happy speed: 
Tempests themsewves, high seas, and howwing winds, 
The guttew'd wocks, ^-^ and congwegated sands, 
T-Twaitows ^-^ ensteep'd to *screams* cwog the guiwtwess keew, 
As having sense of beauty, do *twerks* omit 
Theiw m-mowtaw nyatuwes, wetting go safewy by 
The divinye Desdemonya. 
MONTANyO. What is she? 
CASSIO. *moans* She *giggles shyly* that I *moans* spake of, ouw gweat captain's xDD captain, 
Weft in the c-conduct *looks at you* of the bowd Iago, 
W-Whose footing hewe anticipates ouw thoughts 
A-A se'nnyight's speed. Gweat UwU Jove, O-Othewwo guawd, 
And sweww ;;w;; his saiw with thinye own powewfuw bweath, 
That he ^.^ may bwess this bay with h-his t-taww ship, 
Make wove's quick p-pants in Desdemonya's awms, 
Give wenyew'd f-fiwe to ouw extincted spiwits, 
:33 And *twerks* bwing aww Cypwus comfowt. 

E-Entew Desdemonya, Emiwia Iago, Wodewigo, and Attendants. 

*pokes you* O, behowd, 
xDD The wiches of the s-ship >_< is come o-on showe! 
Ye men of Cypwus, w-wet hew have youw ;;w;; knyees. 
Haww to thee, wady! And the gwace of heaven, 
Befowe, behind thee, and on evewy hand, 
*twerks* Enwheew thee wound! 
DESDEMONyA. I *looks away* thank you, vawiant Cassio. 
What tidings can *screams* you teww m-me of my w-wowd? 
CASSIO. He is nyot yet awwived, nyow knyow I aught 
But that he's weww and wiww be *screams* showtwy hewe. 
DESDEMONyA. O, but *looks away* I *pokes you* feaw- How *notices bulge* wost you company? 
CASSIO. *looks away* The x3 gweat c-contention *cries* of the sea and skies 
P-Pawted o-ouw ;;w;; fewwowship- But, hawk! *cries* a saiw. 
A cwy within, "A saiw, a saiw!" Guns heawd. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. They *pokes you* give theiw gweeting *cries* to the citadew; 
This wikewise is a fwiend. 
CASSIO. See fow *hugs tightly* the nyews. 
Exit Gentweman. 
Good ancient, y-you ^w^ awe wewcome. [To Emiwia.] Wewcome, mistwess. 
*leans over* Wet it nyot gaww youw patience, good xDD Iago, 
That I extend *leans over* my uWu mannyews; 'tis my bweeding 
T-That *giggles shyly* gives me t-this bowd show uWu of couwtesy. Kisses h-hew. 
*hugs tightly* IAGO. *giggles shyly* Siw, :33 wouwd *looks away* she *cries* give *pokes you* you so much of xDD hew wips 
As o-of hew *hugs tightly* tongue she oft :33 bestows on me, 
Y-You'wd *notices bulge* have :3 enyough. 
DESDEMONyA. Awas, she *cuddles you* has nyo speech. 
IAGO. In faith, *screams* too much; 
I find it stiww UwU when I have wist to sweep. 
Mawwy, befowe youw w-wadyship *moans* I gwant, 
She uWu puts hew tongue a *pokes you* wittwe i-in hew h-heawt 
:3 And chides with thinking. 
:3 EMIWIA. You have wittwe c-cause t-to xDD say so. 
I-IAGO. Come on, come on. You awe pictuwes o-out of doows, 
Bewws in *cuddles you* youw pawwows, wiwdcats i-in youw kitchens, 
S-Saints in youw injuwies, deviws being offended, 
xDD Pwayews in youw housewifewy, and *giggles shyly* housewives in ^w^ youw beds. 
DESDEMONyA. O, fie upon thee, swandewew! 
IAGO. Nyay, it ^w^ is twue, ow ewse I am a Tuwk: 
You wise *cuddles you* to pway, and go to bed to wowk. 
EMIWIA. You shaww nyot wwite my pwaise. 
IAGO. Nyo, wet me nyot. 
DESDEMONyA. What :33 wouwdst thou w-wwite o-of me, if thou shouwdst 
p-pwaise me? 
IAGO. O-O gentwe w-wady, do nyot *moans* put me to't, 
Fow I *giggles shyly* am nyothing if nyot cwiticaw. 
DESDEMONyA. ^w^ Come on, assay- T-Thewe's onye gonye to t-the hawbow? 
I-IAGO. Ay, madam. 
DESDEMONyA. I *notices bulge* am nyot m-mewwy, but I do beguiwe 
The thing I-I am by seeming othewwise. 
Come, *cries* how w-wouwdst thou pwaise me? 
*sweats* IAGO. I am about it, b-but indeed *pokes you* my invention 
C-Comes fwom my p-pate as biwdwime d-does f-fwom >_< fwieze; 
*notices bulge* It pwucks *looks at you* out bwains and a-aww. But my Muse wabows, 
And thus she is dewivew'd. 
If she be faiw and wise, *sweats* faiwnyess and wit, 
The onye's fow u-use, t-the othew useth it. 
*leans over* DESDEMONyA. Weww pwaised! H-How if *cries* she be bwack and witty? 
*looks at you* IAGO. If s-she b-be bwack, and theweto have a wit, 
She'ww find a white that shaww h-hew bwacknyess fit. 
uWu DESDEMONyA. W-Wowse and w-wowse. 
EMIWIA. How if faiw and foowish? 
IAGO. She n-nyevew y-yet was foowish that w-was faiw, 
^-^ Fow *cuddles you* even hew x3 fowwy hewp'd *moans* hew to an heiw. 
DESDEMONyA. These awe owd fond pawadoxes to make foows waugh i' the 
awehouse. >w< What misewabwe pwaise hast thou fow hew that's fouw and 
foowish? 
IAGO. Thewe's nyonye s-so fouw and foowish theweunto, 
^-^ But :3 does fouw pwanks *twerks* which faiw and wise onyes do. 
DESDEMONyA. O heavy ;;w;; ignyowance! Thou p-pwaisest >_> the wowst best. But what 
pwaise couwdst t-thou bestow on a desewving woman indeed, onye that 
*sighs* in t-the authowity of h-hew mewit did ;;w;; justwy put on the x3 vouch of vewy 
mawice itsewf? 
IAGO. She that was e-evew faiw and nyevew pwoud, 
Had *sighs* tongue at ^-^ wiww and yet was nyevew w-woud, 
N-Nyevew wack'd *looks at you* gowd and yet went n-nyevew gay, 
Fwed fwom hew wish and yet said, "Nyow I may"; 
She *pokes you* that, being angew'd, hew wevenge *looks away* being *shuffles closer* nyigh, 
Bade hew wwong stay *looks at you* and hew dispweasuwe *cuddles you* fwy; 
She that *twerks* in wisdom nyevew was so fwaiw 
T-To change the cod's head fow xDD the sawmon's taiw; 
*sweats* She that couwd think and nye'ew >_> discwose hew mind, 
See suitows *notices bulge* fowwowing a-and nyot wook b-behind; 
She was *blushes* a wight, i-if evew such wight *notices bulge* wewe- 
>w< DESDEMONyA. To do what? 
IAGO. *giggles shyly* To suckwe foows and chwonyicwe s-smaww beew. 
DESDEMONyA. O most wame and impotent concwusion! Do nyot weawn o-of him, 
Emiwia, though he be thy husband. How say you, Cassio? Is *leans over* he nyot 
a most pwofanye and wibewaw counsewow? 
*moans* CASSIO. He *giggles shyly* speaks home, m-madam. Y-You *looks at you* may w-wewish him mowe in the 
sowdiew than in the schowaw. 
IAGO. [Aside.] He takes hew by the pawm; ay, *teleports behind you* weww x3 said, whispew. 
With as wittwe a ;;w;; web as this wiww I :3 ensnyawe as gweat a fwy a-as 
*cries* Cassio. Ay, smiwe upon :33 hew, do; I w-wiww gyve thee *giggles shyly* in t-thinye *sighs* own 
couwtship. *shuffles closer* You ^w^ say twue; 'tis so, indeed. *blushes* If *giggles shyly* such *pokes you* twicks as these 
stwip *cuddles you* you out ^w^ of youw wieutenyantwy, it had been bettew ^.^ you had 
nyot :3 kissed youw thwee fingews so oft, which nyow again you awe 
most apt to pway >_> the *sighs* siw in. Vewy good. Weww x3 kissed! >_< an excewwent 
c-couwtesy! 'tis so, indeed. *hugs tightly* Yet again youw f-fingews to youw wips? 
Wouwd they wewe cwystew-pipes fow youw ^-^ sake! [Twumpet within.] 
The M-Moow! I ^w^ knyow his twumpet. 
CASSIO. >_< 'Tis twuwy so. 
D-DESDEMONyA. W-Wet's meet him and weceive *leans over* him. 
C-CASSIO. Wo, w-whewe he comes! 

E-Entew Othewwo and Attendants. 

*notices bulge* OTHEWWO. O my faiw wawwiow! 
DESDEMONyA. My deaw Othewwo! 
:3 OTHEWWO. It gives me wondew gweat as my content 
To s-see you hewe befowe me. O my *notices bulge* souw's joy! 
If aftew *notices bulge* evewy tempest come such cawms, 
May UwU the winds bwow tiww they *leans over* have waken'd death! 
And *teleports behind you* wet *twerks* the wabowing bawk cwimb *moans* hiwws of seas 
xDD Owympus-high, and duck *sweats* again as wow 
:3 As heww's fwom heaven! If it wewe nyow to die, 
'Twewe n-nyow to *teleports behind you* be most happy; fow *looks away* I feaw 
My souw hath hew content so absowute 
That nyot anyothew comfowt wike to this 
S-Succeeds in unknyown fate. 
DESDEMONyA. T-The heavens fowbid 
But x3 that ouw woves and comfowts *shuffles closer* shouwd i-incwease, 
*twerks* Even as x3 ouw days do gwow! 
OTHEWWO. *cries* Amen to that, *screams* sweet powews! 
I cannyot speak enyough >_< of this content; 
It OwO stops me hewe; it is too much of joy. 
And OwO this, and this, the *twerks* gweatest discowds be *hugs tightly* Kisses hew. 
That e'ew ouw heawts shaww make! 
IAGO. [Aside.] O, you awe weww tunyed nyow! 
But I'ww set down the pegs that make this music, 
As honyest as I am. 
OTHEWWO. Come, wet us to the castwe. 
Nyews, fwiends: ouw w-waws awe donye, t-the Tuwks awe dwown'd. 
How does my *hugs tightly* owd a-acquaintance of this iswe? 
Honyey, you shaww be weww desiwed i-in Cypwus; 
I have f-found gweat wove amongst >w< them. O my sweet, 
I pwattwe out of fashion, and I dote 
In minye own comfowts. I pwithee, *looks away* good Iago, 
Go *moans* to *shuffles closer* the bay and disembawk my coffews. 
Bwing thou the mastew to the citadew; 
He is a good *hugs tightly* onye, and his wowthinyess 
Does chawwenge *giggles shyly* much wespect. Come, Desdemonya, 
Once *pokes you* mowe weww met at *notices bulge* Cypwus. 
*looks at you* Exeunt a-aww :3 but Iago and Wodewigo. 
I-IAGO. Do thou m-meet me pwesentwy at the hawbow. Come *blushes* hithew. If t-thou 
be'st vawiant- as they say base men being in wove h-have then a-a 
nyobiwity ^w^ in t-theiw n-nyatuwes mowe than is *moans* nyative to them- wist me. 
The w-wieutenyant tonyight watches on the c-couwt *twerks* of g-guawd. ^w^ Fiwst, *looks at you* I 
*cuddles you* must teww thee this: Desdemonya is diwectwy in wove with him. 
WODEWIGO. With *looks away* him? W-Why, 'tis nyot possibwe. 
*shuffles closer* IAGO. Way thy fingew ^-^ thus, and wet thy souw be instwucted. *looks away* Mawk me 
w-with what viowence s-she fiwst woved the M-Moow, *blushes* but *notices bulge* fow bwagging and 
tewwing hew *leans over* fantasticaw wies. *blushes* And wiww she wove him s-stiww fow 
pwating? Wet nyot thy discweet heawt think *giggles shyly* it. Hew eye m-must be 
fed; and what dewight shaww ^.^ she have to wook on the deviw? When 
the ^w^ bwood is m-made duww uWu with the act o-of s-spowt, thewe s-shouwd be, 
again to infwame i-it and *blushes* to give s-satiety a fwesh appetite, 
wovewinyess in favow, sympathy in yeaws, mannyews, and beauties- 
aww which the Moow *pokes you* is defective i-in. Nyow, *hugs tightly* fow want of these 
wequiwed convenyiences, hew dewicate tendewnyess w-wiww find itsewf 
abused, *twerks* begin to *looks at you* heave the gowge, d-diswewish and a-abhow *shuffles closer* the Moow; 
vewy nyatuwe wiww instwuct h-hew in it and compew >w< hew to some second 
choice. Nyow siw, this gwanted- as it is a m-most pwegnyant and 
u-unfowced p-position- who stands so *looks at you* eminyentwy in the degwee of this 
*leans over* fowtunye *sighs* as Cassio does? A knyave vewy vowubwe; nyo fuwthew 
conscionyabwe than in putting on the mewe fowm of civiw and humanye 
seeming, *cuddles you* fow the bettew compass o-of his *cries* sawt and most *screams* hidden woose 
affection? Why, nyonye, why, *notices bulge* nyonye- a swippew *looks away* and subtwe knyave, a 
findew out of o-occasions, that has an eye can stamp and 
countewfeit advantages, though t-twue advantage nyevew pwesent 
itsewf- OwO a deviwish knyave! B-Besides, the *pokes you* knyave is handsome, uWu young, 
and hath aww those wequisites in *screams* him that fowwy *screams* and gween minds 
wook aftew- a pestiwent compwete knyave, and the w-woman hath found 
him awweady. 
WODEWIGO. I cannyot bewieve ^.^ that in h-hew; she's fuww o-of most bwest 
condition. 
IAGO. Bwest f-fig's-end! The winye she dwinks is made of gwapes. I-If 
she *giggles shyly* had been bwest, *screams* she wouwd nyevew have woved the Moow. *screams* Bwest 
pudding! Didst thou *screams* nyot see hew paddwe with the pawm o-of his hand? 
>_> Didst n-nyot ^.^ mawk that? 
WODEWIGO. Yes, that I did; but *sighs* that was but couwtesy. 
I-IAGO. Wechewy, by this *hugs tightly* hand; an index and o-obscuwe pwowogue to the 
histowy of w-wust and fouw thoughts. They met so nyeaw with theiw 
wips t-that theiw bweaths *shuffles closer* embwaced togethew. *notices bulge* Viwwainyous thoughts, 
Wodewigo! When these mutuawities so m-mawshaw the way, hawd at hand 
comes the mastew *screams* and main *cuddles you* exewcise, the uWu incowpowate concwusion. 
Pish! But, siw, OwO be y-you wuwed by me. I have bwought y-you fwom 
Venyice. W-Watch you tonyight; f-fow *cries* the command, ^w^ I'ww way't upon you. 
Cassio knyows you nyot. I'ww nyot b-be faw *teleports behind you* fwom *shuffles closer* you. Do you ^w^ find some 
occasion to angew C-Cassio, eithew b-by speaking too w-woud, ow 
tainting *hugs tightly* his discipwinye, ow fwom what othew couwse you pwease, 
which xDD the time shaww mowe favowabwy minyistew. 
*cuddles you* WODEWIGO. Weww. 
IAGO. Siw, he is wash and v-vewy sudden i-in chowew, a-and hapwy may 
stwike at you. Pwovoke him, that he *sighs* may; fow even out of that 
wiww I cause these of Cypwus *twerks* to mutiny, whose q-quawification shaww 
come into nyo twue taste *hugs tightly* again but by uWu the dispwanting *looks at you* of Cassio. 
S-So *blushes* shaww you have a showtew jouwnyey to youw desiwes *cries* by the m-means 
I shaww *sweats* then have *leans over* to uWu pwefew them, a-and :3 the impediment most 
pwofitabwy wemoved, without the w-which t-thewe w-wewe nyo expectation 
o-of ouw pwospewity. 
WODEWIGO. I wiww do this, if I can *blushes* bwing it to *giggles shyly* any oppowtunyity. 
IAGO. I wawwant thee. Meet me by and by at the citadew. I must 
fetch his nyecessawies ashowe. Faweweww. 
WODEWIGO. Adieu. E-Exit. 
IAGO. *notices bulge* That Cassio w-woves *screams* hew, I-I do weww b-bewieve it; 
T-That s-she woves him, 'tis apt and of gweat cwedit. 
:33 The Moow, howbeit that I-I enduwe him *teleports behind you* nyot, 
Is of a constant, woving, nyobwe nyatuwe, 
And I *cuddles you* dawe think he'ww pwove to >_> Desdemonya 
A most deaw *sighs* husband. Nyow, I do >w< wove *cuddles you* hew too, 
Nyot out of absowute wust, t-though pewadventuwe 
I stand accountant f-fow as *hugs tightly* gweat a sin, 
But pawtwy wed t-to diet my w-wevenge, 
F-Fow that I ^-^ do suspect the wusty Moow 
Hath weap'd into my seat; the thought wheweof 
Doth wike a p-poisonyous minyewaw *blushes* gnyaw my inwawds, 
*looks away* And nyothing can ow shaww content my souw 
Tiww I am even'd with him, wife fow wife. 
O-Ow :33 faiwing so, yet *teleports behind you* that I put *screams* the Moow 
At *looks at you* weast into a j-jeawousy so stwong 
That judgement cannyot cuwe. Which thing x3 to d-do, 
If this poow twash of Venyice, *moans* whom I twace 
Fow his q-quick hunting, stand the putting on, 
I'ww have ouw Michaew *leans over* Cassio on the hip, 
A-Abuse him t-to the Moow in the w-wank *blushes* gawb 
(Fow I feaw Cassio with my nyightcap too), 
Make t-the Moow thank m-me, wove m-me, >w< and wewawd me 
Fow making him egwegiouswy an ass 
And pwacticing upon his peace and quiet 
Even *giggles shyly* to madnyess. '-'Tis OwO hewe, but yet c-confused: 
Knyavewy's pwain OwO face is ;;w;; nyevew seen tiww used. Exit. 




SCENyE II. 
A stweet. 

Entew a-a Hewawd *notices bulge* with a pwocwamation; peopwe fowwowing. 

*giggles shyly* HEWAWD. It is Othewwo's pweasuwe, ouw nyobwe and v-vawiant genyewaw, 
that upon c-cewtain tidings nyow *moans* awwived, impowting the *cries* mewe 
pewdition of the Tuwkish fweet, evewy man put himsewf into 
twiumph; some t-to ^-^ dance, s-some to make bonfiwes, each man to *cuddles you* what 
spowt ;;w;; and wevews his x3 addiction *looks away* weads him; *moans* fow besides these 
benyeficiaw nyews, i-it is t-the cewebwation of his nyuptiaw. So much 
OwO was his pweasuwe shouwd OwO be pwocwaimed. Aww o-offices awe x3 open, a-and 
thewe is fuww wibewty of feasting *looks away* fwom this pwesent houw of f-five 
*shuffles closer* tiww the *looks at you* beww have towd eweven. Heaven bwess the iswe of Cypwus 
and UwU ouw *leans over* nyobwe genyewaw Othewwo! Exeunt. 




S-SCENyE III. 
A *teleports behind you* haww *blushes* in the castwe. 

Entew Othewwo, Desdemonya, Cassio, a-and Attendants. 

*looks at you* OTHEWWO. Good Michaew, w-wook you to t-the g-guawd tonyight. 
Wet's teach ouwsewves that *hugs tightly* honyowabwe stop, 
Nyot to *moans* outspowt discwetion. 
CASSIO. xDD Iago hath diwection what t-to >_> do; 
But nyotwithstanding w-with my pewsonyaw eye 
Wiww I *cuddles you* wook to't. 
OTHEWWO. Iago is most honyest. 
*giggles shyly* Michaew, good nyight. Tomowwow with youw eawwiest 
Wet me :3 have speech with you. *twerks* Come, my d-deaw wove, 
The puwchase made, the fwuits a-awe t-to ensue; 
That pwofit's yet to come 'tween me >w< and you. 
Good nyight. 
Exeunt Othewwo, Desdemonya, >_< and A-Attendants. 

E-Entew Iago. 

CASSIO. Wewcome, Iago; we must to the watch. 
IAGO. Nyot this houw, *moans* wieutenyant; 'tis nyot yet ten o' *cuddles you* the cwock. Ouw 
genyewaw *hugs tightly* cast us thus eawwy f-fow the wove of his D-Desdemonya; who wet 
us nyot thewefowe *looks at you* bwame. He :3 hath nyot yet made wanton the nyight 
with hew, and she i-is spowt fow Jove. 
CASSIO. She's a most exquisite wady. 
IAGO. And, I'ww w-wawwant hew, fuww of game. 
CASSIO. Indeed she's a most fwesh and dewicate cweatuwe. 
*looks away* IAGO. What a-an eye she has! Methinks :3 it sounds a-a *giggles shyly* pawwey t-to 
pwovocation. 
CASSIO. An inviting eye; and yet methinks *hugs tightly* wight modest. 
IAGO. And when *sighs* she speaks, is it nyot an awawum t-to wove? 
CASSIO. She is i-indeed pewfection. 
I-IAGO. W-Weww, happinyess to theiw sheets! Come, wieutenyant, I h-have a 
stope of winye, *sweats* and hewe *blushes* without awe a bwace of Cypwus gawwants 
that wouwd fain have a-a measuwe to the heawth of bwack Othewwo. 
CASSIO. Nyot tonyight, good Iago. I have vewy poow and unhappy b-bwains 
f-fow d-dwinking. I couwd weww ^w^ wish couwtesy wouwd invent UwU some othew 
custom of entewtainment. 
IAGO. O-O, they awe ouw fwiends! *notices bulge* But onye cup; I'ww dwink fow you. 
CASSIO. x3 I have dwunk but o-onye cup t-tonyight, :3 and *pokes you* that was cwaftiwy 
*moans* quawified too, a-and behowd what i-innyovation it makes hewe. I >_< am 
unfowtunyate in the infiwmity, and dawe nyot uWu task my *shuffles closer* weaknyess with 
any m-mowe. 
IAGO. >w< What, man! 'Tis a-a nyight of wevews, the g-gawwants desiwe it. 
CASSIO. W-Whewe *sweats* awe t-they? 
I-IAGO. Hewe at :33 the *looks away* doow; I pway *twerks* you, c-caww t-them in. 
CASSIO. I-I'ww do't, but it diswikes *looks at you* me. Exit. 
IAGO. I-If I >_< can fasten but >w< onye cup upon *teleports behind you* him, 
With that which >_< he h-hath dwunk t-tonyight awweady, 
He'ww be as x3 fuww *giggles shyly* of uWu quawwew and offense 
>_> As my young *blushes* mistwess' dog. Nyow my sick foow Wodewigo, 
Whom wove hath *moans* tuwn'd awmost *teleports behind you* the wwong side out, 
To Desdemonya hath tonyight cawoused 
P-Potations pottwe-deep; and h-he's to watch. 
Thwee w-wads of Cypwus, nyobwe swewwing s-spiwits, 
That howd theiw honyows in a wawy distance, 
The vewy ewements of t-this *cuddles you* wawwike iswe, 
Have I tonyight fwustew'd w-with fwowing cups, 
*screams* And they watch too. N-Nyow, 'mongst this fwock of dwunkawds, 
Am I-I to put *sweats* ouw Cassio in some >_> action 
That m-may offend t-the iswe. But hewe they come. 
If consequence ;;w;; do but appwove my dweam, 
My *pokes you* boat s-saiws fweewy, *giggles shyly* both with wind and stweam. 

We-entew Cassio; with :3 him Montanyo and Gentwemen; 
Sewvants fowwowing with winye. 

CASSIO. 'Fowe God, t-they have given me a *notices bulge* wouse awweady. 
*shuffles closer* MONTANyO. Good faith, a *pokes you* wittwe onye; nyot past a p-pint, as I am a 
sowdiew. 
IAGO. Some winye, ho! 

[Sings.] "And wet me the canyakin :3 cwink, cwink; 
And ^w^ wet me the canyakin *twerks* cwink. 
A s-sowdiew's *teleports behind you* a man; 
O, man's wife's but a s-span; 
Why UwU then wet a sowdiew dwink." 

Some winye, boys! 
CASSIO. 'Fowe God, an excewwent *sweats* song. 
uWu IAGO. I weawnyed it *looks away* in Engwand, whewe indeed they awe most p-potent in 
potting. Youw Danye, youw Gewman, and youw swag-bewwied Howwandew- 
Dwink, ho!- awe nyothing to youw Engwish. 
CASSIO. Is youw Engwishman so expewt in his dwinking? 
IAGO. *notices bulge* Why, *hugs tightly* he dwinks you with faciwity *cuddles you* youw Danye :3 dead dwunk; he 
sweats nyot *teleports behind you* to ovewthwow y-youw Awmain; he gives x3 youw Howwandew a 
vomit ewe the n-nyext ^-^ pottwe c-can be fiwwed. 
CASSIO. To the heawth of ouw genyewaw! 
MONTANyO. I am fow it, *looks at you* wieutenyant, and I'ww d-do *looks at you* you justice. 
IAGO. O sweet Engwand! 

[Sings.] *cuddles you* "King Stephen was and-a wowthy peew, 
His bweeches cost him but a cwown; 
He uWu hewd them s-sixpence aww too d-deaw, 
With that h-he caww'd the taiwow *screams* wown. 

"He *giggles shyly* was a wight *giggles shyly* of high wenyown, 
A-And thou awt but o-of wow degwee. 
'Tis pwide that puwws x3 the countwy down; 
Then take thinye auwd cwoak about thee." 

Some winye, ho! 
CASSIO. W-Why, *hugs tightly* this is *teleports behind you* a mowe exquisite song than the othew. 
IAGO. Wiww you heaw't a-again? 
CASSIO. Nyo, fow I howd him to be unwowthy of his >_< pwace that does 
those *cuddles you* things. Weww, G-God's above a-aww, a-and thewe b-be souws must be 
saved, and thewe be souws must nyot be saved. 
IAGO. It's twue, good w-wieutenyant. 
CASSIO. Fow minye own pawt- *leans over* nyo offense to the genyewaw, nyow any man 
o-of quawity- :3 I ^w^ hope *pokes you* to be saved. 
*looks at you* IAGO. And :3 so ^w^ do *pokes you* I too, *hugs tightly* wieutenyant. 
CASSIO. :3 Ay, but, by ;;w;; youw weave, >_< nyot befowe me; the wieutenyant is to 
be saved befowe the ^w^ ancient. Wet's have nyo mowe of this; wet's to 
ouw a-affaiws. God fowgive us ouw sins! Gentwemen, wet's wook to 
ouw businyess. Do nyot think, gentwemen, I am dwunk: >w< this is my 
ancient, this is my w-wight hand, and this is my weft. I am n-nyot 
dwunk nyow; I can stand w-weww xDD enyough, *sighs* and I speak weww enyough. 
AWW. Excewwent weww. 
C-CASSIO. Why, vewy weww t-then; you must n-nyot think *teleports behind you* then that I am 
dwunk. Exit. 
MONTANyO. To the pwatfowm, mastews; come, wet's set the w-watch. 
IAGO. You *twerks* see this f-fewwow that is gonye befowe; 
H-He is a-a sowdiew fit to stand b-by Caesaw 
uWu And give >_> diwection. And d-do but see his vice; 
'Tis *sweats* to his viwtue a just equinyox, 
The xDD onye as wong as the othew. 'Tis pity of him. 
I feaw the twust Othewwo puts him in 
On some o-odd time of h-his infiwmity 
Wiww shake *hugs tightly* this iswand. 
MONTANyO. But is he often thus? 
*moans* IAGO. 'Tis evewmowe ^-^ the pwowogue to his sweep. 
*sweats* He'ww w-watch the howowoge a doubwe set, 
If d-dwink wock nyot his cwadwe. 
MONTANyO. It wewe w-weww 
x3 The genyewaw wewe put in m-mind of it. 
P-Pewhaps he sees it n-nyot, ow h-his good nyatuwe 
Pwizes the viwtue that appeaws in Cassio 
And wooks nyot :33 on >w< his eviws. Is nyot this t-twue? 

Entew *sighs* Wodewigo. 

IAGO. [-[Aside to him.] How nyow, Wodewigo! 
:33 I *looks away* pway you, UwU aftew the w-wieutenyant; go. *hugs tightly* Exit Wodewigo. 
MONTANyO. A-And 'tis gweat ^-^ pity that t-the nyobwe ^.^ Moow 
Shouwd hazawd such a pwace as his own >_> second 
With onye of an ingwaft *giggles shyly* infiwmity. 
It wewe an h-honyest action to say 
So to the Moow. 
IAGO. Nyot I-I, f-fow this faiw iswand. 
I do w-wove ^.^ Cassio *screams* weww, and wouwd do *leans over* much 
To cuwe him of this *cries* eviw- But, hawk! What nyoise? 
A-A cwy within, "Hewp, *cries* hewp!" 

We-entew Cassio, dwiving in *looks away* Wodewigo. 

>w< CASSIO. '-'Zounds! Y-You wogue! *screams* You wascaw! 
xDD MONTANyO. W-What's *notices bulge* the *looks away* mattew, wieutenyant? 
CASSIO. A >_> knyave teach m-me my d-duty! But I'ww beat the knyave into a 
twiggen bottwe. 
W-WODEWIGO. *giggles shyly* Beat me! 
*sighs* CASSIO. Dost thou p-pwate, wogue? Stwikes Wodewigo. 
MONTANyO. Nyay, good >w< wieutenyant; I pway you, s-siw, *looks at you* howd youw >_> hand. 
CASSIO. Wet me g-go, siw, ow I'ww knyock >w< you o'ew the mazzawd. 
MONTANyO. Come, come, y-you'we d-dwunk. 
CASSIO. Dwunk? They fight. 
IAGO. [Aside to Wodewigo.] Away, I say; go out and cwy a mutiny. 
Exit Wodewigo. 
Nyay, :3 good wieutenyant! UwU God's wiww, g-gentwemen! 
>_< Hewp, ho!- Wieutenyant- s-siw- Montanyo- siw- 
Hewp, m-mastews!- H-Hewe's a goodwy watch indeed! 
A-A beww wings. 
*leans over* Who's t-that t-that *pokes you* wings the b-beww?- D-Diabwo, *blushes* ho! 
T-The t-town wiww w-wise. God's wiww, wieutenyant, howd! 
You OwO wiww be >_> shamed fowevew. 

We-entew Othewwo and Attendants. 

OTHEWWO. *shuffles closer* What is the mattew h-hewe? 
MONTANyO. 'Zounds, I bweed stiww; I-I *hugs tightly* am huwt to the *sweats* death. 
Faints. 
OTHEWWO. Howd, fow youw wives! 
IAGO. Howd, ho! Wieutenyant- siw- Montanyo- gentwemen- 
Have you fowgot aww pwace of sense and duty? 
Howd! the genyewaw speaks >_< to you! Howd, howd, fow shame! 
OTHEWWO. Why, how nyow, ho! fwom whence *hugs tightly* awiseth *cuddles you* this? 
Awe we tuwn'd Tuwks, and to ouwsewves do that 
Which :33 heaven hath fowbid *sighs* the O-Ottomites? 
Fow Chwistian shame, put by >_> this bawbawous bwaww. 
He t-that s-stiws nyext to cawve fow his own wage 
Howds his *notices bulge* souw wight; h-he dies upon ^.^ his m-motion. 
Siwence that dweadfuw beww; it fwights the i-iswe 
Fwom hew pwopwiety. W-What i-is the mattew, *hugs tightly* mastews? 
Honyest Iago, t-that wook'st dead with gwieving, 
Speak: who began this? On thy wove, I chawge thee. 
I-IAGO. I :33 do nyot knyow. Fwiends aww but nyow, even nyow, 
In quawtew, a-and in *looks at you* tewms *pokes you* wike bwide and gwoom 
Devesting them *cries* fow bed; and then, but nyow 
(As i-if some pwanyet had unwitted men), 
Swowds out, a-and tiwting onye at xDD othew's bweast, 
In ^-^ opposition bwoody. I-I cannyot speak 
Any beginnying t-to this p-peevish odds; 
And wouwd in action gwowious I had wost 
T-Those wegs that bwought me to a p-pawt of *cuddles you* it! 
OTHEWWO. How comes i-it, Michaew, you awe thus fowgot? 
CASSIO. I *sighs* pway you, pawdon me; I *leans over* cannyot s-speak. 
OTHEWWO. Wowthy Montanyo, you wewe wont be civiw; 
T-The *cuddles you* gwavity and >_> stiwwnyess of youw youth 
The ^-^ wowwd h-hath nyoted, and youw n-nyame is *pokes you* gweat 
In mouths of w-wisest censuwe. W-What's t-the mattew, 
That you *looks away* unwace :33 youw weputation thus, 
And spend y-youw wich o-opinyion fow the n-nyame 
Of a nyight-bwawwew? Give me answew t-to it. 
MONTANyO. Wowthy >w< Othewwo, I am *sweats* huwt to dangew. 
Y-Youw officew, Iago, c-can infowm you- 
Whiwe I spawe speech, w-which s-something n-nyow *twerks* offends me- 
Of aww that I do knyow. N-Nyow k-knyow I aught 
*sighs* By me t-that's said ow donye amiss this nyight, 
Unwess sewf-chawity be sometimes *shuffles closer* a vice, 
And to defend ouwsewves i-it *moans* be a sin 
When viowence *teleports behind you* assaiws us. 
OTHEWWO. Nyow, by heaven, 
My bwood b-begins my safew *pokes you* guides *twerks* to w-wuwe, 
And passion, having :3 my >_> best judgement cowwied, 
Assays to wead the way. If I once stiw, 
Ow d-do but wift this awm, the best of you 
Shaww sink in my webuke. Give me *screams* to x3 knyow 
How this fouw wout began, who set ^.^ it *screams* on, 
And he that is appwoved >_< in this offense, 
Though he had twinn'd w-with me, ;;w;; both ;;w;; at uWu a biwth, 
Shaww wose :33 me. What! in a town of *hugs tightly* waw, 
Yet wiwd, the *giggles shyly* peopwe's heawts bwimfuw of f-feaw, 
To manyage pwivate and domestic quawwew, 
I-In nyight, and on the couwt and guawd of safety! 
'Tis *screams* monstwous. Iago, who began't? 
MONTANyO. If pawtiawwy affinyed, *screams* ow weagued in office, 
*sighs* Thou *blushes* dost dewivew mowe ow wess than twuth, 
Thou awt nyo *cries* sowdiew. 
IAGO. Touch me :33 nyot so nyeaw: 
I h-had wathew have this tongue c-cut fwom ^.^ my mouth 
Than it shouwd do uWu offense to *sighs* Michaew Cassio; 
Yet, *moans* I pewsuade *cries* mysewf, ^-^ to speak the twuth 
Shaww UwU nyothing wwong him. Thus it is, genyewaw. 
Montanyo and mysewf being in speech, 
Thewe comes *cuddles you* a fewwow cwying out fow hewp, 
>_< And Cassio fowwowing him with detewminyed *cuddles you* swowd, 
To execute upon him. Siw, this gentweman 
Steps in to Cassio and entweats his p-pause. 
M-Mysewf the c-cwying *looks away* fewwow d-did puwsue, 
W-West *blushes* by his *pokes you* cwamow- as it so feww out- 
The town might f-faww i-in fwight. He, swift of foot, 
Outwan my puwpose; and I wetuwn'd the wathew 
F-Fow *moans* that I *looks away* heawd *sighs* the c-cwink and faww *pokes you* of s-swowds, 
A-And Cassio h-high in oath, which tiww tonyight 
I nye'ew might say befowe. When I-I c-came back- 
Fow this was bwief- I ^.^ found them cwose togethew, 
At bwow and thwust, *shuffles closer* even as again they wewe 
When you *notices bulge* youwsewf did *teleports behind you* pawt *shuffles closer* them. 
Mowe of this m-mattew cannyot I wepowt. 
But men awe men; the best sometimes fowget. 
Though Cassio did some *sighs* wittwe wwong to him, 
As men in *twerks* wage *leans over* stwike those *pokes you* that wish them best, 
Yet suwewy >w< Cassio, *sighs* I bewieve, weceived 
Fwom him ^w^ that fwed some stwange indignyity, 
Which patience couwd nyot pass. 
OTHEWWO. I-I knyow, Iago, 
Thy h-honyesty and wove *sweats* doth mince x3 this *giggles shyly* mattew, 
Making it wight to Cassio. Cassio, I *giggles shyly* wove UwU thee, 
*looks away* But nyevew mowe be officew of minye. 

We-entew Desdemonya, attended. 

Wook, i-if m-my gentwe x3 wove b-be ^.^ nyot w-waised up! 
I'ww make thee an exampwe. 
DESDEMONyA. What's the mattew? 
*looks away* OTHEWWO. Aww's weww nyow, sweeting; come a-away to b-bed. 
Siw, *moans* fow youw huwts, mysewf wiww be youw :3 suwgeon. 
Wead him off. Exit *sighs* Montanyo, attended. 
Iago, wook w-with cawe about the town, 
And *cuddles you* siwence those whom this viwe bwaww distwacted. 
Come, Desdemonya, 'tis the sowdiews' *sweats* wife. 
To have theiw bawmy swumbews waked with stwife. 
Exeunt aww but I-Iago and Cassio. 
IAGO. What, a-awe you huwt, wieutenyant? 
CASSIO. A-Ay, past aww suwgewy. 
IAGO. *pokes you* Mawwy, heaven fowbid! 
CASSIO. Weputation, weputation, UwU weputation! O, I h-have wost my 
weputation! I have >_> wost the i-immowtaw p-pawt of *looks at you* mysewf, *notices bulge* and what 
wemains is bestiaw. My weputation, Iago, my >_> weputation! 
IAGO. *moans* As I am an *giggles shyly* honyest *cuddles you* man, I t-thought you had w-weceived *cries* some bodiwy 
w-wound; thewe i-is mowe sense in that than i-in weputation. Weputation 
is a-an idwe and most fawse imposition; oft got without mewit *hugs tightly* and 
wost without desewving. You have wost nyo weputation at aww, 
unwess you wepute youwsewf *screams* such a wosew. :33 What, man! thewe *leans over* awe 
ways to *looks at you* wecovew *sighs* the genyewaw uWu again. Y-You awe but nyow cast in *screams* his 
mood, a punyishment mowe in powicy than in mawice; even so as onye 
wouwd b-beat his *sighs* offensewess *sighs* dog to affwight an impewious w-wion. Sue 
to him again, and he's youws. 
CASSIO. I wiww *teleports behind you* wathew sue to be d-despised than to deceive UwU so good a 
c-commandew *giggles shyly* with so swight, so d-dwunken, and >w< so indiscweet an 
officew. Dwunk? and speak pawwot? and squabbwe? s-swaggew? s-sweaw? 
and discouwse fustian with onye's own shadow? O thou invisibwe 
s-spiwit of winye, if thou hast n-nyo nyame ^.^ to b-be knyown by, wet *notices bulge* us c-caww 
thee deviw! 
IAGO. What w-was he that *looks at you* you fowwowed with youw :33 swowd? 
What had he donye to you? 
CASSIO. I-I knyow nyot. 
;;w;; IAGO. Is't possibwe? 
CASSIO. OwO I wemembew *twerks* a mass of t-things, but ^-^ nyothing distinctwy; a 
quawwew, >_< but nyothing x3 whewefowe. O God, t-that men shouwd put an 
enyemy in theiw mouths *cuddles you* to steaw *sighs* away theiw bwains! t-that we shouwd, 
with >w< joy, pweasance, wevew, and appwause, twansfowm ouwsewves 
into beasts! 
UwU IAGO. Why, but you awe nyow *sighs* weww enyough. How came you *looks at you* thus 
wecovewed? 
CASSIO. It h-hath pweased the deviw dwunkennyess to g-give pwace to the 
deviw ^-^ wwath: o-onye unpewfectnyess s-shows me anyothew, *shuffles closer* to make me 
fwankwy despise mysewf. 
I-IAGO. Come, ^-^ you awe too sevewe a-a mowawew. As the time, the pwace, 
and the condition of this countwy stands, I couwd heawtiwy wish 
this had nyot befawwen; but since i-it is a-as it is, mend it fow *teleports behind you* youw 
own *shuffles closer* good. 
^.^ CASSIO. I w-wiww ask him fow my *shuffles closer* pwace again; h-he *cuddles you* shaww *cuddles you* teww m-me I a-am a 
dwunkawd! Had *sighs* I a-as many m-mouths as Hydwa, such an answew wouwd 
stop OwO them aww. To be ;;w;; nyow *pokes you* a UwU sensibwe man, by and :33 by a foow, and 
*giggles shyly* pwesentwy *blushes* a beast! O stwange! Evewy inyowdinyate cup is unbwest, 
a-and the uWu ingwedient is a deviw. 
IAGO. Come, come, good winye is a g-good famiwiaw cweatuwe, if i-it be 
weww used. Excwaim nyo mowe against it. uWu And, good *sweats* wieutenyant, I 
t-think y-you think *cries* I wove you. 
CASSIO. I have weww appwoved it, siw. I dwunk! 
IAGO. You ow any man wiving may be d-dwunk a-at some time, man. I'ww 
teww you what you shaww do. Ouw genyewaw's wife is nyow the 
genyewaw. I may say so in this wespect, fow that he hath devoted 
and given up himsewf to the contempwation, m-mawk, ^w^ and *sweats* denyotement 
of hew pawts and *teleports behind you* gwaces. Confess youwsewf f-fweewy to hew; 
impowtunye hew hewp :3 to p-put you in y-youw pwace again. She is o-of so 
fwee, so kind, *notices bulge* so apt, *giggles shyly* so b-bwessed a *moans* disposition, she howds it a 
vice in hew *leans over* goodnyess *sighs* nyot *sweats* to do mowe than uWu she is wequested. This 
b-bwoken j-joint between you and hew husband entweat hew to spwintew; 
and, my fowtunyes against any w-way wowth nyaming, t-this c-cwack of youw 
wove *screams* shaww gwow stwongew than it was befowe. 
CASSIO. You advise me weww. 
IAGO. ^-^ I pwotest, in the sincewity o-of wove a-and honyest kindnyess. 
C-CASSIO. I think it fweewy; and betimes in the mownying I x3 wiww beseech 
the viwtuous D-Desdemonya *sighs* to undewtake fow me. >_> I am despewate of my 
fowtunyes if they check me h-hewe. 
IAGO. You awe in the wight. G-Good nyight, *leans over* wieutenyant, I must to the 
watch. 
x3 CASSIO. Good >_< nyight, h-honyest Iago. Exit. 
x3 IAGO. *looks at you* And w-what's he then that x3 says I p-pway the viwwain? 
When this advice is fwee I give and honyest, 
*cuddles you* Pwobaw to thinking, and indeed *shuffles closer* the *notices bulge* couwse 
To win the Moow *screams* again? *cuddles you* Fow 'tis m-most easy 
*looks at you* The incwinying Desdemonya to subdue 
I-In any honyest suit. She's *looks at you* fwamed as fwuitfuw 
As the fwee ewements. And then fow hew 
T-To win the ^.^ Moow, wewe't x3 to wenyounce his baptism, 
*screams* Aww seaws and symbows of ^-^ wedeemed sin, 
*sighs* His souw is so *pokes you* enfettew'd t-to hew wove, 
That she may make, unmake, do what she wist, 
Even as hew appetite shaww pway the god 
;;w;; With his weak function. How am I-I then a UwU viwwain 
To c-counsew *sighs* Cassio *twerks* to this pawawwew couwse, 
Diwectwy to his good? Divinyity of heww! 
W-When deviws wiww the bwackest sins put :33 on, 
They do suggest *twerks* at fiwst with heavenwy shows, 
As I do nyow. Fow whiwes this *pokes you* honyest foow 
P-Pwies Desdemonya to w-wepaiw his fowtunye, 
And she fow him :3 pweads stwongwy to the Moow, 
I'ww p-pouw t-this pestiwence i-into his eaw, 
That she wepeaws *teleports behind you* him fow *pokes you* hew body's wust; 
And by how *sighs* much she stwives to do him good, 
She shaww undo hew cwedit *giggles shyly* with the Moow. 
So wiww I t-tuwn ^w^ hew viwtue into p-pitch, 
*twerks* And out of UwU hew own *blushes* goodnyess make t-the nyet 
That shaww enmesh them a-aww. 

Entew Wodewigo. 

How nyow, Wodewigo! 
WODEWIGO. I do >w< fowwow hewe in *screams* the chase, nyot *teleports behind you* wike a h-hound that 
hunts, but onye that fiwws up the cwy. My monyey is awmost spent; I 
have been tonyight e-exceedingwy weww cudgewed; and ^w^ I t-think the 
*notices bulge* issue wiww be, I ^w^ shaww have so much expewience fow m-my xDD pains; :33 and 
s-so, with nyo monyey at *sighs* aww *cuddles you* and a wittwe mowe wit, wetuwn *cries* again to 
Venyice. 
IAGO. H-How p-poow awe they that have n-nyot patience! 
What wound did evew heaw but by degwees? 
Thou k-knyow'st we wowk by wit a-and nyot by witchcwaft, 
And >_> wit depends on uWu diwatowy t-time. 
Does't nyot go weww? Cassio hath b-beaten thee, 
And thou by that smaww huwt hast cashiew'd Cassio. 
T-Though o-othew things gwow faiw against t-the sun, 
Yet fwuits that :3 bwossom fiwst wiww f-fiwst be wipe. 
Content thysewf awhiwe. By the mass, 'tis mownying; 
Pweasuwe and action m-make t-the *teleports behind you* houws seem showt. 
W-Wetiwe thee; go w-whewe thou awt biwweted. 
Away, I say. Thou shawt knyow mowe heweaftew. 
Nyay, get thee OwO gonye. [Exit Wodewigo.] Two things awe to be donye: 
My wife *notices bulge* must move fow C-Cassio to hew mistwess- 
I'ww set hew on; 
Mysewf t-the w-whiwe to dwaw the Moow apawt, 
And bwing him jump when he x3 may Cassio find 
Sowiciting his wife. Ay, that's *looks away* the way; 
Duww OwO nyot device by cowdnyess xDD and d-deway. Exit. 




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A-ACT III. SCENyE I-I. 
Befowe the castwe. 

*looks at you* Entew Cassio and ^.^ some Musicians. 

CASSIO. Mastews, *notices bulge* pway :3 hewe, I wiww content youw pains; Something 
that's bwief; and bid "Good m-mowwow, *blushes* genyewaw." 
Music. 

Entew Cwown. 

CWOWN. Why, mastews, have y-youw instwuments been in Nyapwes, that 
*twerks* they speak i' :33 the nyose thus? 
FIWST MUSICIAN. How, *moans* siw, how? 
CWOWN. Awe these, I pway you, wind *moans* instwuments? 
FIWST MUSICIAN. Ay, mawwy, *twerks* awe they, siw. 
CWOWN. O, theweby hangs a >_< taiw. 
FIWST MUSICIAN. Wheweby hangs *giggles shyly* a tawe, siw? 
*cries* CWOWN. Mawwy, siw, by many *twerks* a wind i-instwument that I knyow. But, 
mastews, hewe's monyey fow you; and the genyewaw so wikes youw 
m-music, that he desiwes you, fow wove's sake, to m-make nyo mowe 
nyoise with it. 
FIWST MUSICIAN. Weww, siw, we wiww nyot. 
CWOWN. If you have any *teleports behind you* music that may nyot b-be heawd, to't again; 
but, *teleports behind you* as they say, to heaw music the genyewaw d-does nyot gweatwy 
cawe. 
FIWST MUSICIAN. We have nyonye such, siw. 
CWOWN. *blushes* Then p-put up youw pipes in y-youw bag, fow I-I'ww >w< away. 
Go, vanyish i-into aiw, away! Exeunt Musicians. 
CASSIO. Dost thou h-heaw, my honyest fwiend? 
*cuddles you* CWOWN. *blushes* Nyo, I heaw nyot y-youw honyest fwiend; I heaw you. 
CASSIO. Pwithee, keep up t-thy quiwwets. Thewe's a poow piece o-of g-gowd 
fow ;;w;; thee. I-If the gentwewoman t-that attends the genyewaw's wife be 
s-stiwwing, teww hew :3 thewe's >_> onye Cassio entweats hew a wittwe favow 
of speech. Wiwt thou do t-this? 
CWOWN. She is stiwwing, siw. If s-she wiww stiw hithew, I shaww seem 
t-to n-nyotify unto *teleports behind you* hew. 
*looks at you* CASSIO. Do, good my fwiend. Exit Cwown. 

Entew Iago. 

In happy time, ^.^ Iago. 
IAGO. Y-You have n-nyot been abed, then? 
CASSIO. Why, nyo; the day had ;;w;; bwoke 
Befowe we pawted. I h-have made bowd, Iago, 
To send in to youw wife. My suit to hew 
Is that she wiww to viwtuous Desdemonya 
Pwocuwe me some access. 
IAGO. I'ww send hew to you pwesentwy; 
And I'ww devise a mean t-to dwaw the Moow 
*looks away* Out *pokes you* of the way, that youw convewse and businyess 
May be mowe fwee. 
C-CASSIO. I humbwy thank you fow't. OwO [Exit Iago.] I nyevew knyew 
A-A Fwowentinye mowe kind and honyest. 

Entew Emiwia. 

E-EMIWIA. Good mowwow, good wieutenyant. *sweats* I am *blushes* sowwy 
Fow youw dispweasuwe, but aww wiww suwe be weww. 
The *looks away* genyewaw and his wife a-awe tawking of it, 
And she speaks *twerks* fow y-you stoutwy. The Moow wepwies 
That he you *looks at you* huwt is of gweat fame i-in *looks at you* Cypwus 
And x3 gweat affinyity *looks away* and that in whowesome wisdom 
He might n-nyot but wefuse you; but he pwotests *blushes* he w-woves you 
And nyeeds nyo othew suitow but his w-wikings 
To take the safest occasion by the fwont 
To bwing you in again. 
CASSIO. Yet, I beseech you, 
If you think fit, ow that it may be *sighs* donye, 
G-Give me advantage of some bwief discouwse 
With Desdemonya awonye. 
EMIWIA. Pway you, c-come i-in. 
I wiww bestow you whewe *hugs tightly* you shaww have time 
To speak youw bosom *giggles shyly* fweewy. 
CASSIO. I am much bound to y-you. 
Exeunt. 




SCENyE I-II. 
A woom in the castwe. 

^-^ Entew Othewwo, Iago, and Gentwemen. 

OTHEWWO. These wettews give, I-Iago, to UwU the piwot, 
And by him do my d-duties t-to the Senyate. 
>_> That donye, UwU I wiww be wawking on the wowks; 
Wepaiw thewe to me. 
*giggles shyly* IAGO. Weww, my good wowd, I-I'ww *twerks* do't. 
OTHEWWO. This fowtification, gentwemen, shaww w-we see't? 
GENTWEMEN. We'ww wait upon youw wowdship. Exeunt. 




SCENyE III. 
The gawden of t-the castwe. 

Entew Desdemonya, Cassio, and Emiwia. 

DESDEMONyA. Be thou >_< assuwed, g-good Cassio, I :3 wiww do 
Aww m-my a-abiwities in t-thy b-behawf. 
EMIWIA. Good madam, do. *teleports behind you* I wawwant it gwieves my husband 
As if the cause wewe his. 
DESDEMONyA. O, that's an h-honyest fewwow. Do nyot UwU doubt, Cassio, 
But *looks away* I wiww have my wowd and you again 
A-As fwiendwy as you wewe. 
CASSIO. Bounteous *shuffles closer* madam, 
Whatevew s-shaww become of Michaew Cassio, 
H-He's *sweats* nyevew anything but youw twue sewvant. 
DESDEMONyA. I knyow't: I thank you. You OwO do wove my wowd: 
You h-have k-knyown him wong; and be you weww *sighs* assuwed 
He *blushes* shaww in stwangenyess stand n-nyo fawthew o-off 
Than in a-a powitic distance. 
CASSIO. Ay, b-but, wady, 
That powicy may eithew wast so wong, 
Ow feed u-upon such nyice OwO and *teleports behind you* watewish diet, 
O-Ow bweed itsewf so out of ciwcumstances, 
That I being *cuddles you* absent and m-my pwace suppwied, 
*leans over* My genyewaw wiww fowget m-my wove a-and sewvice. 
DESDEMONyA. Do n-nyot doubt that. Befowe Emiwia h-hewe 
I give t-thee wawwant o-of thy pwace, assuwe thee, 
If *looks away* I do vow a fwiendship, I'ww pewfowm it 
To the *twerks* wast awticwe. My wowd shaww nyevew west; 
I'ww watch him t-tame *sighs* and *looks away* tawk him out of p-patience; 
His bed shaww seem a schoow, his *pokes you* boawd a shwift; 
I'ww intewmingwe evewything he does 
W-With Cassio's s-suit. Thewefowe *blushes* be mewwy, Cassio, 
Fow thy sowicitow s-shaww wathew d-die 
Than give thy *moans* cause away. 

Entew Othewwo and *pokes you* Iago, at a distance. 

EMIWIA. Madam, hewe comes my wowd. 
CASSIO. Madam, I'ww take my *sweats* weave. 
DESDEMONyA. Nyay, stay and heaw me *twerks* speak. 
CASSIO. Madam, nyot nyow. I am vewy iww at ease, 
Unfit fow minye o-own puwposes. 
DESDEMONyA. Weww, do youw discwetion. Exit Cassio. 
*shuffles closer* IAGO. *sweats* Ha! ;;w;; I wike *teleports behind you* nyot that. 
*leans over* OTHEWWO. What dost *looks at you* thou say? 
IAGO. Nyothing, my wowd; ow UwU if- I knyow nyot what. 
OTHEWWO. Was nyot t-that Cassio pawted fwom my wife? 
IAGO. *blushes* Cassio, my wowd! Nyo, suwe, I *blushes* cannyot think it, 
That he wouwd :33 steaw away so guiwty-wike, 
S-Seeing you *notices bulge* coming. 
OTHEWWO. *screams* I do bewieve 'twas :33 he. 
DESDEMONyA. H-How nyow, my *looks at you* wowd! 
I have *looks away* been tawking with a s-suitow hewe, 
A-A man that wanguishes in youw dispweasuwe. 
OTHEWWO. Who is't you mean? 
DESDEMONyA. Why, *twerks* youw wieutenyant, >w< Cassio. G-Good my wowd, 
If I have any gwace ow powew t-to move you, 
His pwesent *cries* weconciwiation take; 
Fow if he be nyot o-onye that t-twuwy woves you, 
*looks at you* That ewws in *hugs tightly* ignyowance and n-nyot in cunnying, 
I have *screams* nyo judgement >_> in an honyest face. 
I pwithee, caww him back. 
OTHEWWO. Went he hence nyow? 
DESDEMONyA. *twerks* Ay, sooth; so humbwed 
xDD That he hath weft pawt of his gwief w-with me 
x3 To suffew with him. *looks away* Good wove, c-caww him back. 
OTHEWWO. Nyot nyow, sweet Desdemonya; some othew time. 
DESDEMONyA. But shaww't be s-showtwy? 
O-OTHEWWO. The soonyew, s-sweet, fow y-you. 
DESDEMONyA. Shaww't be tonyight at *cuddles you* suppew? 
O-OTHEWWO. Nyo, nyot tonyight. 
DESDEMONyA. T-Tomowwow dinnyew then? 
O-OTHEWWO. I shaww nyot dinye a-at home; 
I meet the UwU captains >_< at the :3 citadew. 
DESDEMONyA. Why *moans* then t-tomowwow nyight, ow Tuesday mown, 
On Tuesday *looks at you* nyoon, ow nyight, on Wednyesday mown. 
*looks away* I p-pwithee, nyame the time, *sighs* but wet *sighs* it OwO nyot 
Exceed thwee days. In faith, h-he's penyitent; 
And yet his *notices bulge* twespass, in *sighs* ouw *leans over* common weason- 
S-Save that, they say, the waws must make exampwe 
O-Out of theiw b-best- is nyot awmost a fauwt 
T-To incuw a pwivate check. When s-shaww he come? 
Teww me, Othewwo. I *leans over* wondew i-in my souw, 
What you wouwd ask me, that I shouwd deny, 
Ow stand so mammewing on. What? Michaew Cassio, 
That came awooing with you, and so m-many a time 
*moans* When I h-have ;;w;; spoke of you dispwaisingwy 
H-Hath ta'en youw uWu pawt- uWu to have so much to *sweats* do 
To bwing him in! Twust me, I couwd do much- 
O-OTHEWWO. Pwithee, nyo mowe. *giggles shyly* Wet him come when he wiww; 
I wiww deny thee *cuddles you* nyothing. 
DESDEMONyA. Why, this i-is nyot >w< a boon; 
^w^ 'Tis as I s-shouwd entweat you *teleports behind you* weaw *pokes you* youw gwoves, 
Ow feed on n-nyouwishing d-dishes, ow keep you wawm, 
Ow sue to you to *twerks* do a *sighs* pecuwiaw pwofit 
To youw own pewson. Nyay, w-when I have a suit 
Whewein I mean to touch youw wove indeed, 
It shaww be *blushes* fuww of poise and difficuwt w-weight, 
And feawfuw to *giggles shyly* be g-gwanted. 
OTHEWWO. I wiww deny *blushes* thee nyothing, 
Wheweon, I do beseech thee, gwant me this, 
T-To *screams* weave me but a-a w-wittwe *screams* to mysewf. 
DESDEMONyA. Shaww I d-deny *looks away* you? Nyo. Faweweww, my w-wowd. 
OTHEWWO. Faweweww, my Desdemonya; I'ww >_> come to thee s-stwaight. 
DESDEMONyA. *sighs* Emiwia, come. *blushes* Be as youw fancies *twerks* teach you; 
Whate'ew >_< you be, I am obedient. 
Exeunt Desdemonya and Emiwia. 
OTHEWWO. Excewwent wwetch! Pewdition catch my souw, 
B-But I d-do wove thee! and when I wove thee nyot, 
C-Chaos is come again. 
IAGO. My nyobwe wowd- 
OTHEWWO. What dost thou s-say, I-Iago? 
IAGO. Did Michaew Cassio, when you woo'd m-my w-wady, 
Knyow of *twerks* youw OwO wove? 
OTHEWWO. ^w^ He did, fwom *giggles shyly* fiwst t-to wast. Why dost t-thou ask? 
IAGO. But fow a s-satisfaction of my thought; 
N-Nyo fuwthew hawm. 
OTHEWWO. W-Why of *pokes you* thy thought, Iago? 
*leans over* IAGO. I did nyot think he had *leans over* been acquainted with hew. 
O-OTHEWWO. O-O, yes, uWu and went between us vewy *leans over* oft. 
IAGO. Indeed! 
O-OTHEWWO. Indeed? ay, i-indeed. Discewn'st thou aught in that? 
I-Is he nyot honyest? 
IAGO. *moans* Honyest, xDD my wowd? 
OTHEWWO. :3 Honyest? Ay, honyest. 
IAGO. My wowd, *pokes you* fow aught I knyow. 
OTHEWWO. What d-dost thou t-think? 
>w< IAGO. T-Think, my wowd? 
OTHEWWO. Think, my wowd? By heaven, he echoes me, 
*twerks* As if *moans* thewe wewe s-some monstew in xDD his >_< thought 
Too hideous to *moans* be shown. Thou dost mean something. 
I heawd thee say even nyow, thou wike'st nyot that, 
When Cassio weft my wife. What *hugs tightly* didst nyot w-wike? 
And when I towd thee he *cuddles you* was o-of my counsew 
In my whowe couwse of wooing, thou cwiedst, "-"Indeed!" 
And didst contwact and puwse thy bwow togethew, 
As if thou then hadst shut up in thy bwain 
*cuddles you* Some howwibwe conceit. :3 If thou dost wove me, 
Show me thy thought. 
IAGO. My wowd, you k-knyow I wove you. 
OTHEWWO. I think thou OwO dost; 
And fow I-I knyow thou'wt fuww of wove *hugs tightly* and >_> honyesty 
And weigh'st t-thy *blushes* wowds befowe t-thou givest them bweath, 
T-Thewefowe these stops of thinye fwight me *hugs tightly* the mowe; 
;;w;; Fow such things in a fawse d-diswoyaw knyave 
Awe twicks *pokes you* of custom; but in a m-man *leans over* that's just 
They'we cwose diwations, wowking fwom the heawt, 
That passion cannyot wuwe. 
IAGO. F-Fow *giggles shyly* Michaew Cassio, 
I-I dawe *teleports behind you* be swown I think that he is honyest. 
OTHEWWO. I think so too. 
IAGO. Men shouwd be what t-they *screams* seem; 
O-Ow those that b-be nyot, w-wouwd *pokes you* they might s-seem nyonye! 
OTHEWWO. Cewtain, men s-shouwd be w-what t-they seem. 
IAGO. Why then I think Cassio's a-an honyest man. 
OTHEWWO. *giggles shyly* Nyay, yet thewe's mowe in *leans over* this. 
I pwithee, *sighs* speak *twerks* to me as to thy ^.^ thinkings, 
As thou dost wuminyate, *blushes* and give thy wowst of thoughts 
The wowst of wowds. 
IAGO. Good my wowd, pawdon m-me; 
Though I *blushes* am bound to x3 evewy act of duty, 
I *twerks* am n-nyot bound to that *shuffles closer* aww *looks at you* swaves awe fwee to. 
Uttew m-my t-thoughts? W-Why, s-say they awe viwe and fawse; 
*shuffles closer* As whewe's that p-pawace wheweinto fouw things 
Sometimes intwude nyot? Who has a bweast so puwe, 
But some uncweanwy appwehensions 
*teleports behind you* Keep weets and waw-days, and in *giggles shyly* session *screams* sit 
With meditations wawfuw? 
*pokes you* OTHEWWO. Thou *looks at you* dost conspiwe against :33 thy *teleports behind you* fwiend, Iago, 
*shuffles closer* If thou but think'st ^w^ him wwong'd and makest his eaw 
A stwangew t-to uWu thy thoughts. 
IAGO. I do beseech you- 
Though I p-pewchance am vicious in m-my guess, 
As, I confess, it i-is my nyatuwe's pwague 
To spy >_> into abuses, and oft my *shuffles closer* jeawousy 
Shapes fauwts that awe nyot- :3 that youw wisdom x3 yet, 
Fwom onye t-that so *twerks* impewfectwy conceits, 
Wouwd take nyo nyotice, nyow *screams* buiwd youwsewf >_> a twoubwe 
*blushes* Out o-of >_> his s-scattewing and unsuwe obsewvance. 
It w-wewe nyot fow youw quiet n-nyow youw good, 
Nyow fow my >_> manhood, honyesty, *cries* ow wisdom, 
To *giggles shyly* wet UwU you knyow my thoughts. 
O-OTHEWWO. What dost t-thou mean? 
IAGO. Good nyame in man and woman, deaw my wowd, 
Is the immediate jewew of theiw souws. 
Who steaws my puwse *pokes you* steaws twash; 'tis s-something, nyothing; 
'Twas minye, 'tis ^-^ his, and has been swave to thousands; 
B-But h-he that f-fiwches fwom me my *leans over* good nyame 
Wobs me of *twerks* that which *looks away* nyot enwiches him 
A-And makes me *leans over* poow indeed. 
O-OTHEWWO. By heaven, I'ww knyow thy thoughts. 
IAGO. You cannyot, ;;w;; if my *twerks* heawt wewe in youw *screams* hand; 
Nyow shaww nyot, whiwst *shuffles closer* 'tis in my custody. 
OTHEWWO. Ha! 
IAGO. O, bewawe, >_> my w-wowd, of jeawousy! 
I-It is the gween-eyed m-monstew, which doth mock 
The meat it feeds on. That *hugs tightly* cuckowd wives in bwiss 
Who, cewtain ^w^ of OwO his fate, woves nyot his wwongew; 
B-But O, what damnyed minyutes tewws *hugs tightly* he o'ew 
W-Who dotes, yet doubts, suspects, y-yet stwongwy woves! 
OTHEWWO. O misewy! 
IAGO. *moans* Poow and content is wich, and wich *screams* enyough; 
B-But w-wiches finyewess i-is *giggles shyly* as poow as wintew 
T-To him t-that evew feaws he shaww be poow. 
Good heaven, the souws *shuffles closer* of aww my twibe defend 
Fwom jeawousy! 
O-OTHEWWO. Why, >w< why uWu is this? 
Think'st *screams* thou I-I'wd m-make a ;;w;; wife of jeawousy, 
To fowwow stiww the changes of t-the moon 
With fwesh suspicions? Nyo! T-To b-be o-once in doubt 
*teleports behind you* Is once to b-be wesowved. Exchange me *moans* fow a goat 
When I-I shaww t-tuwn the businyess of my souw 
To such exsuffwicate and b-bwown suwmises, 
Matching ^w^ thy i-infewence. 'Tis nyot to make me jeawous 
To say my wife i-is faiw, OwO feeds weww, *sweats* woves company, 
Is fwee o-of uWu speech, sings, pways, and dances weww; 
Whewe viwtue is, these ^-^ awe mowe viwtuous. 
N-Nyow fwom m-minye own weak mewits wiww I *moans* dwaw 
The smawwest feaw ow doubt of hew wevowt; 
Fow she h-had e-eyes and *moans* chose me. Nyo, Iago, 
I'ww see befowe I *blushes* doubt; when I doubt, pwove; 
And on the pwoof, thewe is nyo mowe but this- 
Away a-at once with ^-^ wove ow jeawousy! 
IAGO. I am gwad of i-it, uWu fow nyow I shaww have x3 weason 
To show the wove and duty that I beaw you 
With fwankew spiwit. Thewefowe, as I am bound, 
Weceive it fwom m-me. *leans over* I speak nyot yet of pwoof. 
W-Wook OwO to youw wife; xDD obsewve hew weww with Cassio; 
Weaw youw eye thus, nyot j-jeawous nyow secuwe. 
I *sweats* wouwd nyot have *hugs tightly* youw f-fwee and :3 nyobwe n-nyatuwe 
Out of sewf-bounty be abused. Wook to't. 
I knyow ouw countwy d-disposition weww; 
In Venyice they do wet heaven see the pwanks 
They dawe nyot show theiw h-husbands; t-theiw b-best c-conscience 
Is nyot to weave't undonye, *leans over* but k-keep't unknyown. 
OTHEWWO. Dost thou say so? 
IAGO. She ;;w;; did deceive >w< hew fathew, >_< mawwying ^.^ you; 
And when she seem'd t-to shake and *leans over* feaw youw wooks, 
She woved them most. 
OTHEWWO. And so she d-did. 
IAGO. Why, *shuffles closer* go uWu to then. 
She that so young couwd give out such a ^w^ seeming, 
^w^ To seew *sighs* hew :33 fathew's eyes up cwose as oak- 
He thought '-'twas witchcwaft- but I-I am much to bwame; 
I-I humbwy *teleports behind you* do b-beseech :3 you x3 of youw pawdon 
Fow too xDD much woving *moans* you. 
OTHEWWO. I am *twerks* bound to thee fowevew. 
IAGO. I see this hath a uWu wittwe dash'd *shuffles closer* youw s-spiwits. 
;;w;; OTHEWWO. Nyot a jot, nyot *giggles shyly* a jot. 
IAGO. I'faith, I feaw it :3 has. 
I hope you wiww considew what >_> is spoke 
Comes >_> fwom my wove. But I *notices bulge* do see you'we moved; 
*looks away* I am to pway you n-nyot to s-stwain >w< my speech 
To gwossew *teleports behind you* issues nyow to w-wawgew *looks away* weach 
Than to s-suspicion. 
OTHEWWO. I wiww nyot. 
IAGO. Shouwd you do *notices bulge* so, my wowd, 
My *pokes you* speech shouwd faww into such *sighs* viwe success 
W-Which my t-thoughts aim nyot at. *looks away* Cassio's my wowthy fwiend- 
M-My wowd, I see you'we moved. 
OTHEWWO. Nyo, n-nyot much moved. 
I do nyot think but Desdemonya's honyest. 
IAGO. Wong wive she so! and wong wive y-you to think so! 
O-OTHEWWO. And yet, how nyatuwe *teleports behind you* ewwing fwom itsewf- 
I-IAGO. Ay, thewe's the point, as- to be bowd with you- 
Nyot *notices bulge* to affect many pwoposed m-matches 
Of hew o-own c-cwime, c-compwexion, and degwee, 
Wheweto >_> we >_< see *looks at you* in aww things nyatuwe tends- 
Foh, onye may smeww in such *cuddles you* a *giggles shyly* wiww most wank, 
Fouw dispwopowtion, thoughts unnyatuwaw. 
*looks at you* But pawdon me. I do nyot xDD in p-position 
Distinctwy speak of hew; though I may feaw, 
Hew wiww, wecoiwing to hew bettew judgement, 
May uWu faww to match you UwU with hew *blushes* countwy OwO fowms, 
And happiwy :3 wepent. 
OTHEWWO. Faweweww, faweweww. 
*shuffles closer* If mowe *looks at you* thou *looks at you* dost pewceive, wet me >w< knyow mowe; 
Set on *giggles shyly* thy w-wife to obsewve. *teleports behind you* Weave me, Iago. 
IAGO. [Going.] My wowd, I take my weave. 
OTHEWWO. Why OwO did I mawwy? *leans over* This h-honyest x3 cweatuwe *pokes you* doubtwess 
Sees and knyows mowe, much mowe, than he *looks at you* unfowds. 
IAGO. [Wetuwnying.] My wowd, I wouwd I-I might entweat youw honyow 
To scan this thing nyo fuwthew; weave it to time. 
Though it b-be fit *giggles shyly* that Cassio have h-his pwace, 
Fow suwe he fiwws it up with gweat abiwity, 
Yet, if you pwease to howd h-him o-off a-awhiwe, 
:33 You shaww by that pewceive him a-and his means. 
:33 Nyote if youw wady stwain his entewtainment 
With any s-stwong ow v-vehement impowtunyity; 
Much wiww be seen in *cries* that. In the meantime, 
Wet me be thought too busy in my feaws- 
^.^ As ^.^ wowthy cause *shuffles closer* I have to xDD feaw I-I am- 
And howd hew ^.^ fwee, I do UwU beseech youw honyow. 
O-OTHEWWO. ;;w;; Feaw nyot m-my govewnment. 
IAGO. *screams* I once >_< mowe take my weave. UwU Exit. 
OTHEWWO. This *blushes* fewwow's of exceeding honyesty, 
And knyows aww quawities, with a weawnyed spiwit, 
Of human deawings. I-If I do ^.^ pwove hew haggawd, 
Though that hew jesses wewe m-my deaw heawtstwings, 
I-I'wd *pokes you* whistwe h-hew off *blushes* and wet hew down the wind 
T-To pwey at fowtunye. Hapwy, fow I am bwack 
And have :3 nyot those soft pawts of convewsation 
That chambewews have, ow fow I am decwinyed 
Into the v-vawe o-of yeaws- >_> yet that's nyot much- 
She's gonye. I am abused, and my wewief 
*looks at you* Must b-be to woathe ;;w;; hew. O-O cuwse of ^-^ mawwiage, 
That we can *hugs tightly* caww these dewicate ^.^ cweatuwes ouws, 
And *hugs tightly* nyot *twerks* theiw appetites! I had >_> wathew be a t-toad, 
And w-wive upon the vapow o-of a-a dungeon, 
Than keep a xDD cownyew in the thing I *twerks* wove 
Fow othews' uses. Y-Yet, *teleports behind you* 'tis the pwague of gweat o-onyes: 
P-Pwewogatived awe >_< they wess than the base; 
'Tis destiny xDD unshunnyabwe, wike death. 
E-Even then this fowked pwague is fated to us 
When we ^.^ do quicken. Desdemonya c-comes: 

We-entew Desdemonya and Emiwia. 

If she be fawse, O-O, then heaven mocks *hugs tightly* itsewf! 
I'ww n-nyot bewieve't. 
DESDEMONyA. How nyow, my ;;w;; deaw Othewwo! 
Youw dinnyew, and ^-^ the genyewous *moans* iswandews 
By you invited, do *hugs tightly* attend youw pwesence. 
O-OTHEWWO. I *looks at you* am to bwame. 
DESDEMONyA. Why do you speak s-so f-faintwy? 
Awe you nyot weww? 
OTHEWWO. I have a pain upon my fowehead hewe. 
DESDEMONyA. Faith, that's *cries* with watching; 'twiww away *teleports behind you* again. 
W-Wet *cries* me but bind it hawd, within this houw 
It wiww b-be weww. 
OTHEWWO. Youw nyapkin *hugs tightly* is too wittwe; 
He puts t-the handkewchief fwom him, and she ^.^ dwops it. 
Wet it *screams* awonye. Come, I'ww go in with you. 
*cuddles you* DESDEMONyA. I am v-vewy sowwy that you awe nyot weww. 
Exeunt *teleports behind you* Othewwo and Desdemonya. 
EMIWIA. I am gwad I have found x3 this nyapkin; 
This was hew fiwst OwO wemembwance fwom the Moow. 
My waywawd husband hath a hundwed times 
Woo'd me to s-steaw it; b-but she so woves the t-token, 
Fow *looks away* he *shuffles closer* conjuwed hew she shouwd evew keep i-it, 
That she w-wesewves it evewmowe about h-hew 
*looks at you* To >w< kiss *looks away* and tawk to. I'ww have t-the w-wowk ta'en out, 
*notices bulge* And give't Iago. What ^.^ he wiww do with i-it 
Heaven knyows, n-nyot I; 
I n-nyothing but to UwU pwease *shuffles closer* his fantasy. 

W-We-entew I-Iago. 

IAGO. How nyow, what do y-you hewe awonye? 
*looks at you* EMIWIA. *cries* Do nyot you chide; *cuddles you* I have a thing f-fow you. 
IAGO. A thing fow me? It is a common thing- 
EMIWIA. Ha! 
IAGO. *cuddles you* To have ^.^ a foowish wife. 
EMIWIA. O, is *pokes you* that aww? *cries* What wiww y-you give me nyow 
Fow that *cuddles you* same handkewchief? 
IAGO. W-What handkewchief? 
EMIWIA. What handkewchief? 
Why, that the Moow fiwst xDD gave to Desdemonya, 
*giggles shyly* That w-which so *shuffles closer* often you d-did *pokes you* bid me steaw. 
*teleports behind you* IAGO. Hast stow'n it fwom hew? 
EMIWIA. Nyo, faith; she wet it dwop by nyegwigence, 
And, *screams* to the advantage, I b-being hewe took't up. 
OwO Wook, hewe *looks away* it i-is. 
IAGO. A good wench; give it me. 
EMIWIA. What w-wiww you do with't, that you h-have b-been so *giggles shyly* eawnyest 
To have *hugs tightly* me *teleports behind you* fiwch it? 
IAGO. [Snyatching *leans over* it.] Why, what is that to you? 
x3 EMIWIA. *sighs* If't b-be nyot fow some puwpose of impowt, 
Give't me again. Poow wady, *notices bulge* she'ww wun mad 
When s-she shaww wack it. 
OwO IAGO. Be nyot acknyown ^.^ on't; I have use fow *cuddles you* it. 
Go, weave me. Exit *looks away* Emiwia. 
I wiww *moans* in Cassio's wodging xDD wose this n-nyapkin, 
And w-wet him find it. Twifwes wight as aiw 
Awe to the jeawous >_> confiwmations stwong 
A-As pwoofs *twerks* of howy *cries* wwit; *sweats* this may do something. 
*leans over* The Moow *shuffles closer* awweady *notices bulge* changes with my poison: 
Dangewous c-conceits awe in theiw nyatuwes poisons, 
Which ^-^ at the fiwst awe ^-^ scawce *looks at you* found :33 to distaste, 
But with a-a wittwe act upon OwO the bwood 
Buwn ^.^ wike the :33 minyes of suwphuw. I *giggles shyly* did say :33 so. 
Wook, w-whewe xDD he comes! 

We-entew Othewwo. 

Nyot >_< poppy, nyow mandwagowa, 
;;w;; Nyow aww the dwowsy *notices bulge* sywups of t-the wowwd, 
*giggles shyly* Shaww evew medicinye thee *sighs* to that s-sweet sweep 
Which thou owedst yestewday. 
OTHEWWO. Ha, ha, fawse t-to ^w^ me? 
IAGO. Why, how nyow, genyewaw! Nyo mowe of t-that. 
OTHEWWO. Avaunt! be gonye! Thou *sweats* hast set me on the w-wack. 
^w^ I sweaw '-'tis bettew to be much abused 
Than but to OwO knyow't a wittwe. 
IAGO. How nyow, my w-wowd? 
UwU OTHEWWO. What sense h-had I of hew stow'n houws of wust? 
I saw't nyot, thought it nyot, i-it hawm'd nyot >w< me; 
I *sweats* swept t-the *leans over* nyext nyight weww, was fwee *moans* and mewwy; 
I found nyot Cassio's kisses on hew wips. 
He that is wobb'd, n-nyot wanting what is stow'n, 
Wet him nyot knyow't a-and he's nyot wobb'd at aww. 
IAGO. I am sowwy t-to heaw this. 
O-OTHEWWO. I had b-been happy i-if the genyewaw camp, 
Pionyews and aww, had tasted hew sweet uWu body, 
So I had nyothing k-knyown. *cuddles you* O, n-nyow fowevew 
Faweweww *pokes you* the twanquiw mind! Faweweww content! 
Faweweww the pwumed twoop and the big waws 
That make ambition viwtue! *hugs tightly* O, *looks away* faweweww, 
F-Faweweww the nyeighing steed and the shwiww twump, 
The spiwit-stiwwing dwum, the eaw-piewcing fife, 
The woyaw OwO bannyew, and aww quawity, 
Pwide, pomp, and ciwcumstance of *pokes you* gwowious waw! 
And O you mowtaw enginyes, whose wude thwoats 
The immowtaw Jove's dwead cwamows countewfeit, 
Faweweww! :3 Othewwo's occupation's gonye! 
IAGO. Is't possibwe, my wowd? 
OTHEWWO. V-Viwwain, *giggles shyly* be suwe thou p-pwove my wove a *pokes you* whowe; 
>_> Be suwe of it. Give me the ocuwaw pwoof; 
Ow, ^-^ by t-the *blushes* wowth of man's etewnyaw souw, 
>_> Thou hadst been bettew have been bown a dog 
Than answew my waked wwath! 
IAGO. Is't come to :3 this? 
OTHEWWO. Make m-me to s-see't; o-ow at the weast so pwove it, 
That the pwobation beaw nyo hinge n-nyow woop 
To *moans* hang a doubt on; ow woe upon thy wife! 
IAGO. My nyobwe wowd- 
O-OTHEWWO. If thou dost swandew *pokes you* hew a-and towtuwe me, 
Nyevew pway mowe; abandon aww *teleports behind you* wemowse; 
On xDD howwow's head howwows *cuddles you* accumuwate; 
Do deeds t-to make heaven weep, aww eawth amazed; 
F-Fow xDD nyothing canst thou *looks at you* to d-damnyation ^w^ add 
Gweatew than that. 
IAGO. O gwace! O heaven defend me! 
Awe you a man? have you a souw ow sense? 
*looks away* God be wi' you; take minye office. O wwetched foow, 
That wivest to make *blushes* thinye honyesty a vice! 
O *hugs tightly* monstwous wowwd! Take n-nyote, take nyote, O w-wowwd, 
To be diwect a-and honyest is *hugs tightly* nyot *notices bulge* safe. 
I-I thank you fow this pwofit, and fwom hence 
I'ww wove nyo fwiend sith wove bweeds such offense. 
OTHEWWO. Nyay, stay; thou s-shouwdst be honyest. 
IAGO. I ^.^ shouwd be wise; ^.^ fow honyesty's a foow, 
And w-woses that it w-wowks fow. 
OTHEWWO. By the wowwd, 
I t-think my wife be honyest, and think she is *hugs tightly* nyot; 
I think that t-thou awt j-just, and *cuddles you* think thou awt n-nyot. 
I'ww have some pwoof. H-Hew *moans* nyame, that was as fwesh 
As Dian's visage, is *cuddles you* nyow begwimed >w< and bwack 
A-As m-minye own face. If thewe *shuffles closer* be cowds ow k-knyives, 
Poison ow fiwe, ow suffocating *shuffles closer* stweams, 
I'ww *teleports behind you* nyot enduwe it. Wouwd I wewe satisfied! 
IAGO. I-I see, siw, y-you a-awe *cries* eaten up w-with passion; 
I do wepent me t-that I put it to you. 
You wouwd be x3 satisfied? 
OTHEWWO. Wouwd? xDD Nyay, I wiww. 
IAGO. And may. *sweats* But, how? how satisfied, my wowd? 
Wouwd you, *looks away* the supewvisow, gwosswy gape on? 
Behowd hew topp'd? 
*teleports behind you* OTHEWWO. Death :3 and damnyation! O! 
:33 IAGO. It *twerks* wewe a tedious *sweats* difficuwty, *looks at you* I think, 
To bwing them to that pwospect. Damn them t-then, 
I-If evew mowtaw eyes do *sweats* see them bowstew 
Mowe than theiw own! What then? how then? 
What shaww I say? W-Whewe's satisfaction? 
It is impossibwe you s-shouwd *looks at you* see this 
:3 Wewe they as pwime as goats, as h-hot *cries* as monkeys, 
As sawt as w-wowves in pwide, and foows as gwoss 
As ignyowance made dwunk. But yet, I s-say, 
If imputation and stwong ciwcumstances, 
Which wead diwectwy to the doow of twuth, 
Wiww give y-you satisfaction, you may have't. 
OTHEWWO. Give me a wiving weason she's diswoyaw. 
IAGO. I do *looks away* nyot w-wike *notices bulge* the ^.^ office; 
B-But >w< sith I am entew'd in this cause so faw, 
Pwick'd to't by f-foowish honyesty *shuffles closer* and *moans* wove, 
x3 I wiww go o-on. *twerks* I way with xDD Cassio watewy 
And, being twoubwed with a-a w-waging tooth, 
I couwd nyot sweep. 
Thewe *looks at you* awe a *pokes you* kind *cuddles you* of men so woose of souw, 
That in ^.^ theiw sweeps w-wiww muttew theiw affaiws; 
Onye of this UwU kind is Cassio. 
*sighs* In sweep I heawd him say, "Sweet Desdemonya, 
Wet us be wawy, w-wet us hide ouw woves"; 
And then, siw, wouwd h-he gwipe and wwing my *sighs* hand, 
Cwy, "O sweet cweatuwe!" and then k-kiss me hawd, 
As if he pwuck'd *cries* up ;;w;; kisses by the woots, 
>_< That gwew upon my wips; then waid his weg 
Ovew my >_< thigh, *cuddles you* and sigh'd and kiss'd; *hugs tightly* and then 
Cwied, "Cuwsed fate that gave thee to the Moow!" 
OTHEWWO. *giggles shyly* O monstwous! monstwous! 
IAGO. Nyay, t-this was but h-his d-dweam. 
O-OTHEWWO. But this denyoted a fowegonye concwusion. 
'-'Tis a shwewd doubt, though it be but a d-dweam. 
I-IAGO. And this may hewp to thicken o-othew :33 pwoofs 
That do demonstwate thinwy. 
OTHEWWO. I'ww teaw *teleports behind you* hew aww to p-pieces. 
IAGO. Nyay, but be wise; yet we see nyothing donye; 
She may b-be honyest yet. Teww me but this; 
H-Have you nyot sometimes seen a handkewchief 
Spotted with s-stwawbewwies in >w< youw ^w^ wife's hand? 
OTHEWWO. I g-gave hew such a onye; 'twas my *blushes* fiwst gift. 
IAGO. I knyow nyot that; but such a handkewchief- 
*teleports behind you* I *teleports behind you* am suwe it was youw wife's- *twerks* did I today 
S-See Cassio wipe his beawd with. 
OTHEWWO. *looks at you* If i-it be that- 
IAGO. *moans* If it >_> be that, o-ow *twerks* any that was hews, 
*pokes you* It speaks against hew *teleports behind you* with the othew pwoofs. 
OTHEWWO. O, that the swave had fowty thousand w-wives! 
*sighs* Onye >w< is too poow, too weak fow my *giggles shyly* wevenge. 
Nyow do I >_> see 'tis twue. Wook h-hewe, Iago, 
*looks away* Aww my fond wove thus do I bwow t-to heaven. 
'Tis gonye. 
Awise, bwack vengeance, fwom thy h-howwow h-heww! 
*looks away* Yiewd up, O wove, thy cwown a-and heawted thwonye 
To *looks away* tywannyous hate! Sweww, bosom, w-with thy fwaught, 
Fow 'tis of aspics' *hugs tightly* tongues! 
IAGO. Yet be content. 
OTHEWWO. O, bwood, bwood, bwood! 
^w^ IAGO. Patience, *twerks* I say; youw mind pewhaps may change. 
O-OTHEWWO. Nyevew, Iago. Wike *sighs* to the Pontic *screams* Sea, 
W-Whose icy c-cuwwent and *looks at you* compuwsive *pokes you* couwse 
N-Nye'ew feews wetiwing ebb, but keeps due on 
To the Pwopontic and the Hewwespont, 
Even *giggles shyly* so my *teleports behind you* bwoody thoughts, with viowent pace, 
Shaww nye'ew wook back, nye'ew ebb t-to h-humbwe wove, 
Tiww that a capabwe and wide w-wevenge 
Swawwow them u-up. Nyow, *leans over* by >_< yond mawbwe heaven, 
In the due wevewence of a-a sacwed vow Knyeews. 
I hewe e-engage my wowds. 
IAGO. Do nyot wise yet. Knyeews. 
Witnyess, *cuddles you* you evew-buwnying wights above, 
You ewements that cwip us wound about, 
>_< Witnyess ^-^ that hewe Iago *cries* doth give u-up 
The execution of h-his wit, hands, heawt, 
To wwong'd Othewwo's sewvice! W-Wet *giggles shyly* him command, 
A-And to ^-^ obey shaww be >_> in me wemowse, 
What bwoody businyess e-evew. They wise. 
OTHEWWO. I g-gweet thy wove, 
Nyot w-with vain thanks, but w-with *shuffles closer* acceptance bounteous, 
And wiww upon the instant put thee to't: 
Within t-these thwee days wet me :33 heaw *sweats* thee say 
That C-Cassio's nyot >_< awive. 
IAGO. My fwiend *hugs tightly* is dead, 'tis donye at youw wequest; 
But wet *looks at you* hew wive. 
OTHEWWO. D-Damn hew, wewd minx! O, damn hew! 
Come, go w-with me *twerks* apawt; *cuddles you* I wiww w-withdwaw, 
To fuwnyish me with some s-swift means of death 
Fow the faiw x3 deviw. Nyow >_> awt thou my *moans* wieutenyant. 
IAGO. I am youw own fowevew. Exeunt. 




SCENyE IV. 
Befowe the *hugs tightly* castwe. 

Entew Desdemonya, Emiwia, a-and Cwown. 

DESDEMONyA. Do you knyow, siwwah, whewe W-Wieutenyant Cassio wies? 
*hugs tightly* CWOWN. I d-dawe nyot say *moans* he *pokes you* wies *sweats* anywhewe. 
DESDEMONyA. W-Why, m-man? 
CWOWN. He's a sowdiew; and fow onye to say a-a sowdiew wies, is 
stabbing. 
*sweats* DESDEMONyA. Go to! Whewe *cuddles you* wodges h-he? 
CWOWN. To teww you whewe he wodges, i-is to teww you whewe I wie. 
DESDEMONyA. C-Can anything be made of this? 
*moans* CWOWN. I knyow nyot whewe he wodges, a-and fow m-me to devise a wodging, 
and say he wies hewe ow he wies t-thewe, wewe to wie in minye own 
thwoat. 
DESDEMONyA. Can you *sweats* inquiwe him out a-and be UwU edified by wepowt? 
CWOWN. I wiww catechize the wowwd fow him; that *shuffles closer* is, make questions 
and by them :33 answew. 
DESDEMONyA. Seek him, bid *hugs tightly* him *shuffles closer* come h-hithew. Teww him I have m-moved my 
wowd on his behawf *looks away* and OwO hope aww wiww be weww. 
CWOWN. T-To d-do this is within t-the compass o-of man's wit, :33 and thewefowe 
I wiww *sighs* attempt the doing it. Exit. 
DESDEMONyA. Whewe shouwd I wose that h-handkewchief, Emiwia? 
EMIWIA. I knyow nyot, madam. 
DESDEMONyA. Bewieve *sighs* me, I had wathew have wost my *sighs* puwse 
Fuww of cwusadoes; and, but *sighs* my *twerks* nyobwe Moow 
Is twue *teleports behind you* of UwU mind and made of ;;w;; nyo *sighs* such basenyess 
As jeawous cweatuwes awe, it wewe *cuddles you* enyough 
To put him t-to iww thinking. 
*blushes* EMIWIA. Is uWu he nyot jeawous? 
D-DESDEMONyA. Who, he? I think t-the sun whewe he was bown 
Dwew uWu aww such *giggles shyly* humows f-fwom him. 
EMIWIA. Wook, whewe he comes. 
DESDEMONyA. I wiww nyot weave him nyow tiww Cassio 
Be c-caww'd x3 to him. 

Entew UwU Othewwo. 

How is't with you, my ^.^ wowd? 
OTHEWWO. Weww, my *moans* good w-wady. [Aside.] *notices bulge* O, hawdnyess :3 to dissembwe! 
How do you, Desdemonya? 
DESDEMONyA. Weww, my good *looks at you* wowd. 
OTHEWWO. UwU Give me youw hand. T-This *pokes you* hand is moist, my w-wady. 
DESDEMONyA. OwO It yet *looks at you* has *shuffles closer* fewt nyo age nyow knyown nyo sowwow. 
OTHEWWO. This awgues fwuitfuwnyess and wibewaw *cries* heawt; 
Hot, hot, and moist. This hand of youws wequiwes 
A sequestew f-fwom wibewty, fasting, and pwayew, 
*hugs tightly* Much c-castigation, exewcise devout, 
Fow hewe's a young and sweating deviw hewe 
That commonwy webews. 'Tis a good hand, 
A fwank onye. 
DESDEMONyA. You uWu may, indeed, say so; 
Fow 'twas that h-hand that *pokes you* gave away my heawt. 
OTHEWWO. A wibewaw hand. The heawts of owd gave hands; 
But ouw nyew hewawdwy *blushes* is hands, nyot h-heawts. 
*looks at you* DESDEMONyA. I *pokes you* cannyot *shuffles closer* speak of this. Come nyow, youw pwomise. 
OTHEWWO. What pwomise, chuck? 
DESDEMONyA. *teleports behind you* I have s-sent to b-bid Cassio xDD come speak with you. 
OTHEWWO. I have a s-sawt :33 and sowwy wheum offends me; 
Wend me thy handkewchief. 
*notices bulge* DESDEMONyA. H-Hewe, my w-wowd. 
OTHEWWO. T-That which I gave you. 
DESDEMONyA. I have it nyot about me. 
OTHEWWO. Nyot? 
D-DESDEMONyA. Nyo, faith, uWu my w-wowd. 
OTHEWWO. *looks at you* That's a-a *looks away* fauwt. That handkewchief 
*teleports behind you* Did an Egyptian to m-my mothew give; 
S-She was a chawmew, and couwd ;;w;; awmost wead 
The *leans over* thoughts uWu of *looks at you* peopwe. *looks at you* She towd *leans over* hew, whiwe she kept it, 
'Twouwd make hew amiabwe and subdue my fathew 
Entiwewy to hew wove, but if she wost it 
Ow made ^.^ a gift of it, my *blushes* fathew's e-eye 
Shouwd *sweats* howd h-hew woathed and >_< his spiwits shouwd hunt 
Aftew nyew x3 fancies. She d-dying gave it me, 
And bid me, when my fate wouwd have me wive, 
*twerks* To give it hew. I did ;;w;; so, a-and take heed on't; 
Make it a dawwing wike youw pwecious >_< eye; 
To wose't o-ow give't away w-wewe such pewdition 
As nyothing ewse couwd m-match. 
DESDEMONyA. Is't p-possibwe? 
OTHEWWO. 'Tis twue; thewe's magic in the *teleports behind you* web of it. 
A sibyw, that ^w^ had nyumbew'd in the wowwd 
T-The s-sun t-to *giggles shyly* couwse two hundwed c-compasses, 
In hew p-pwophetic fuwy sew'd the wowk; 
;;w;; The wowms wewe hawwow'd that did bweed the siwk, 
And it w-was dyed in mummy which the skiwwfuw 
Consewved of m-maiden's heawts. 
DESDEMONyA. >_> Indeed! is't t-twue? 
OTHEWWO. Most vewitabwe; thewefowe wook to't weww. 
DESDEMONyA. Then wouwd UwU to God that I had nyevew s-seen't! 
O-OTHEWWO. Ha! whewefowe? 
DESDEMONyA. Why do y-you speak so stawtingwy xDD and wash? 
OTHEWWO. I-Is't wost? is't *blushes* gonye? speak, is it out o' the way? 
DESDEMONyA. Heaven bwess us! 
OTHEWWO. S-Say y-you? 
DESDEMONyA. It is nyot wost; but what an if it wewe? 
OTHEWWO. How? 
D-DESDEMONyA. I say, x3 it is nyot wost. 
OTHEWWO. Fetch't, wet m-me see it. 
DESDEMONyA. *hugs tightly* Why, s-so I *pokes you* can, siw, b-but I wiww nyot nyow. 
*leans over* This is a twick to put me fwom my suit. 
Pway you, wet Cassio be weceived again. 
OTHEWWO. ;;w;; Fetch me the handkewchief, my mind misgives. 
DESDEMONyA. Come, come, 
You'ww nyevew x3 meet a mowe sufficient man. 
OTHEWWO. The handkewchief! 
DESDEMONyA. I pway, tawk me of Cassio. 
OTHEWWO. The handkewchief! 
DESDEMONyA. A man that aww his time 
Hath founded his *cries* good fowtunyes on uWu youw wove, 
Shawed dangews with y-you- 
OTHEWWO. The h-handkewchief! 
DESDEMONyA. In sooth, you awe to bwame. 
OTHEWWO. A-Away! *cries* Exit. 
EMIWIA. Is nyot this man jeawous? 
uWu DESDEMONyA. I-I nye'ew saw this befowe. 
Suwe thewe's some w-wondew in this handkewchief; 
I-I am most unhappy in >_> the woss of it. 
EMIWIA. 'Tis nyot a yeaw ow t-two *blushes* shows us *giggles shyly* a man. 
They a-awe aww >_> but stomachs *pokes you* and we aww but food; 
They eat >w< us hungewwy, and when they awe fuww 
They b-bewch us. Wook you! Cassio and my husband. 

*blushes* Entew Cassio and Iago. 

I-IAGO. Thewe i-is nyo othew way; 'tis *cries* she m-must do't. 
^-^ And, wo, ^-^ the happinyess! G-Go and impowtunye hew. 
DESDEMONyA. How nyow, good Cassio! What's t-the nyews w-with you? 
x3 CASSIO. Madam, m-my fowmew suit: *screams* I do beseech *blushes* you 
That by youw *teleports behind you* viwtuous means *giggles shyly* I *giggles shyly* may again 
Exist a-and be *twerks* a membew of his wove 
*hugs tightly* Whom I with aww the office of my ^w^ heawt 
E-Entiwewy honyow. I-I wouwd nyot b-be deway'd. 
>w< If my offense be *giggles shyly* of such mowtaw kind 
That nyow my sewvice past nyow pwesent sowwows 
Nyow puwposed mewit in futuwity 
C-Can wansom *sweats* me *hugs tightly* into his wove again, 
But to *leans over* knyow so must be my benyefit; 
So shaww I cwothe ^.^ me in a fowced content 
A-And shut mysewf up in some othew couwse 
*blushes* To Fowtunye's a-awms. 
DESDEMONyA. Awas, thwice-gentwe Cassio! 
My advocation is n-nyot *cries* nyow in tunye; 
My wowd is nyot my wowd, nyow shouwd I knyow *leans over* him 
Wewe he in favow as i-in humow awtew'd. 
S-So hewp *hugs tightly* me evewy spiwit sanctified, 
As I have s-spoken fow you a-aww m-my b-best 
A-And stood w-within t-the bwank of his dispweasuwe 
Fow my fwee *hugs tightly* speech! You must awhiwe be patient. 
What I can UwU do I-I wiww; and mowe I-I wiww 
*cries* Than *cries* fow mysewf I dawe. Wet that *sweats* suffice you. 
IAGO. Is my wowd angwy? 
EMIWIA. He went hence but nyow, 
And cewtainwy in stwange u-unquietnyess. 
IAGO. Can he b-be angwy? I have seen the c-cannyon, 
*teleports behind you* When >_> it hath bwown ^.^ his wanks into the aiw 
*teleports behind you* And, wike >_> the d-deviw, f-fwom h-his vewy awm 
Puff'd *cries* his own bwothew. And can he be angwy? 
Something of m-moment then. I wiww *teleports behind you* go meet ;;w;; him. 
T-Thewe's mattew in't indeed if UwU he be angwy. 
*blushes* DESDEMONyA. I pwithee, d-do so. Exit Iago. 
Something suwe of *teleports behind you* state, 
Eithew fwom Venyice ow some unhatch'd pwactice 
Made demonstwabwe hewe in Cypwus >w< to him, 
Hath puddwed his cweaw *looks at you* spiwit; *leans over* and in such OwO cases 
Men's nyatuwes wwangwe with infewiow things, 
Though gweat onyes awe theiw object. 'Tis e-even so; 
Fow wet ouw fingew ache, and it *shuffles closer* indues 
Ouw *moans* othew heawthfuw membews even to that sense 
Of pain. Nyay, we must think men awe nyot g-gods, 
Nyow o-of them OwO wook fow such obsewvancy 
As *leans over* fits UwU the bwidaw. Beshwew me much, Emiwia, 
xDD I was, unhandsome wawwiow *giggles shyly* as I am, 
Awwaignying *giggles shyly* his unkindnyess with my s-souw; 
But nyow >_< I find I had s-subown'd the witnyess, 
*screams* And he's indicted fawsewy. 
*moans* EMIWIA. Pway heaven it be state mattews, as you think, 
And OwO nyo conception nyow n-nyo jeawous toy 
Concewnying you. 
D-DESDEMONyA. Awas *cries* the d-day, ^-^ I nyevew gave him c-cause! 
EMIWIA. But jeawous souws wiww *blushes* nyot b-be answew'd so; 
They a-awe nyot evew jeawous fow the cause, 
*sighs* But >w< jeawous fow they awe ^w^ jeawous. 'Tis a ^.^ monstew 
Begot upon itsewf, *leans over* bown *moans* on itsewf. 
DESDEMONyA. H-Heaven k-keep that *giggles shyly* monstew fwom Othewwo's mind! 
EMIWIA. Wady, amen. 
*giggles shyly* DESDEMONyA. I wiww go >_< seek h-him. Cassio, wawk heweabout. 
If I do find him ;;w;; fit, I'ww ^.^ move youw suit, 
And s-seek to uWu effect it to my uttewmost. 
C-CASSIO. I humbwy *twerks* thank >w< youw wadyship. 
Exeunt Desdemonya *looks away* and Emiwia. 

Entew Bianca. 

BIANCA. S-Save you, f-fwiend Cassio! 
^.^ CASSIO. What make you f-fwom home? 
How is it w-with you, my m-most faiw Bianca? 
>w< I'faith, sweet wove, I was coming t-to youw house. 
BIANCA. And *moans* I was going to youw wodging, Cassio. 
What, keep a w-week away? seven *looks away* days and nyights? 
Eight scowe eight houws? a-and wovews' absent houws, 
Mowe UwU tedious ;;w;; than the d-diaw e-eight scowe >_> times? 
O weawy weckonying! 
CASSIO. Pawdon me, Bianca. 
I have this whiwe with weaden thoughts been p-pwess'd; 
But I uWu shaww i-in a mowe continyuate *shuffles closer* time 
Stwike off this scowe o-of absence. Sweet Bianca, 
Gives *looks away* hew Desdemonya's handkewchief. 
Take m-me this wowk o-out. 
B-BIANCA. O Cassio, whence c-came this? 
This i-is some token f-fwom a nyewew fwiend. 
To the fewt absence nyow *looks at you* I feew a cause. 
Is't come to this? Weww, weww. 
CASSIO. G-Go to, *notices bulge* woman! 
Thwow *looks at you* youw viwe guesses in ^-^ the deviw's teeth, 
Fwom whence you have them. You awe *notices bulge* jeawous nyow 
That this *cries* is fwom :3 some *cries* mistwess, some w-wemembwance. 
N-Nyo, by xDD my f-faith, Bianca. 
BIANCA. Why, ^.^ whose is it? 
C-CASSIO. I knyow nyot, sweet. I found it in m-my :3 chambew. 
I wike the wowk weww. Ewe it be demanded- 
As wike e-enyough it wiww- I-I'wd *cries* have i-it copied. 
T-Take it, and do't; and w-weave me fow this time. 
BIANCA. Weave you! whewefowe? 
CASSIO. I do attend hewe on *moans* the *leans over* genyewaw; 
And think i-it nyo addition, nyow my w-wish, 
To have him see me *blushes* woman'd. 
BIANCA. Why, I pway you? 
CASSIO. *pokes you* Nyot that I wove you nyot. 
BIANCA. But that you do nyot wove me. 
I pway y-you, *twerks* bwing me on the way a w-wittwe, 
And say if I shaww see *hugs tightly* you >_> soon at nyight. 
*notices bulge* CASSIO. 'Tis but a w-wittwe way that I can *moans* bwing you, 
Fow I attend hewe, b-but I'ww see you soon. 
BIANCA. *sighs* 'Tis vewy good; I must *twerks* be ciwcumstanced. Exeunt. 




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ACT *teleports behind you* IV. SCENyE I. 
Cypwus. Befowe t-the castwe. 

Entew Othewwo and Iago. 

IAGO. Wiww you think so? 
OTHEWWO. Think so, Iago? 
IAGO. What, 
To kiss *teleports behind you* in pwivate? 
OTHEWWO. An unyauthowized kiss. 
IAGO. Ow to be nyaked with hew fwiend in bed 
An houw ow mowe, nyot meanying any hawm? 
OTHEWWO. N-Nyaked i-in bed, *blushes* Iago, a-and nyot *sweats* mean hawm! 
It is hypocwisy against the deviw. 
They that *looks at you* mean viwtuouswy and yet do so, 
The deviw theiw viwtue tempts and they tempt ;;w;; heaven. 
IAGO. So they do nyothing, >_> 'tis a venyiaw swip. 
B-But if :3 I *blushes* give m-my wife *looks away* a handkewchief- 
OTHEWWO. What then? 
IAGO. Why, then, 'tis hews, my wowd, UwU and *pokes you* being hews, 
She may, I-I think, bestow't on a-any :3 man. 
O-OTHEWWO. She is pwotectwess *giggles shyly* of *cuddles you* hew honyow too. 
May she give t-that? 
IAGO. Hew h-honyow is an essence t-that's nyot *moans* seen; 
T-They *pokes you* have it vewy ;;w;; oft that have *leans over* it nyot. 
But x3 fow the handkewchief- 
OTHEWWO. By heaven, I *giggles shyly* wouwd m-most gwadwy have fowgot it. 
T-Thou said'st- O, it comes o'ew my memowy, 
As doth the waven o'ew t-the infected house, 
Boding to aww- he had my handkewchief. 
IAGO. *shuffles closer* Ay, what of that? 
*looks away* OTHEWWO. That's nyot s-so good *cuddles you* nyow. 
IAGO. *sweats* What, 
If I-I had said I had seen him *twerks* do you wwong? 
*pokes you* Ow *looks at you* heawd him say- a-as knyaves be such abwoad, 
Who having, by theiw own i-impowtunyate suit, 
Ow vowuntawy dotage of some mistwess, 
C-Convinced ow suppwied x3 them, cannyot choose 
But they must b-bwab- 
OTHEWWO. H-Hath he said anything? 
IAGO. He hath, m-my wowd; but be you weww assuwed, 
Nyo mowe than he'ww unsweaw. 
x3 OTHEWWO. What hath he said? 
IAGO. Faith, ^.^ that he did- I knyow nyot what he did. 
*cuddles you* OTHEWWO. What? what? 
*looks at you* IAGO. Wie- 
OTHEWWO. With hew? 
IAGO. With hew, on hew, what you w-wiww. 
OTHEWWO. *pokes you* Wie with hew! wie on hew! *cuddles you* We say wie *cuddles you* on h-hew, w-when they 
*screams* bewie hew. Wie *blushes* with *twerks* hew! 'Zounds, that's fuwsome! Handkewchief- 
confessions- *sighs* handkewchief! To confess and be hanged *moans* fow his wabow- 
fiwst, to be hanged, and *sweats* then to *cuddles you* confess. I twembwe at it. 
Nyatuwe *blushes* wouwd *screams* nyot *cuddles you* invest hewsewf in *giggles shyly* such shadowing passion w-without 
some instwuction. It *looks away* is nyot wowds that shakes me thus. Pish! 
Nyoses, eaws, and *sweats* wips. Is't possibwe? *sweats* Confess? Handkewchief? O 
deviw! 
*looks away* Fawws i-in a twance. 
IAGO. Wowk on, 
My medicinye, wowk! Thus *notices bulge* cweduwous foows awe caught, 
And many wowthy and chaste dames even thus, 
Aww g-guiwtwess, meet wepwoach. What, ho! ;;w;; My wowd! 
My wowd, I say! Othewwo! 

Entew uWu Cassio. 

How n-nyow, Cassio! 
:33 CASSIO. What's the mattew? 
IAGO. My wowd is faww'n into an epiwepsy. 
This is his s-second fit; he had onye yestewday. 
CASSIO. Wub him about the tempwes. 
IAGO. Nyo, *twerks* fowbeaw; 
uWu The wethawgy ^.^ must have his quiet *teleports behind you* couwse. 
If nyot, he foams at mouth, and by a-and by 
Bweaks out t-to savage madnyess. Wook, he stiws. 
Do you withdwaw youwsewf a wittwe whiwe, 
He wiww wecovew stwaight. When he is *cries* gonye, 
I wouwd on :33 gweat occasion speak with you. E-Exit C-Cassio. 
How is it, genyewaw? H-Have you nyot huwt youw head? 
OTHEWWO. Dost thou ^.^ mock me? 
IAGO. I mock you? N-Nyo, by heaven. 
*pokes you* Wouwd *moans* you wouwd beaw youw fowtunye x3 wike a man! 
OTHEWWO. A hownyed man's a monstew and a beast. 
IAGO. Thewe's many a beast then in a popuwous city, 
And ^-^ many a civiw monstew. 
*looks away* OTHEWWO. Did he confess it? 
IAGO. G-Good siw, >_> be a man; 
Think *teleports behind you* evewy beawded f-fewwow that's but y-yoked 
May dwaw with you. *leans over* Thewe's m-miwwions nyow awive 
That nyightwy wie in those u-unpwopew beds 
Which they dawe sweaw pecuwiaw. Youw case is bettew. 
O, 'tis the spite of *looks at you* heww, the fiend's awch-mock, 
*cuddles you* To wip a wanton *screams* in a-a secuwe couch, 
And to suppose hew chaste! Nyo, wet me knyow, 
And knyowing what I-I am, I knyow what she shaww *hugs tightly* be. 
OTHEWWO. ^.^ O, thou awt :33 wise; 'tis cewtain. 
IAGO. Stand you awhiwe *blushes* apawt, 
Confinye youwsewf *looks at you* but in a patient wist. 
Whiwst *twerks* you w-wewe hewe o'ewwhewmed w-with youw gwief- 
A passion m-most unsuiting such a m-man- 
C-Cassio came hithew. I *sweats* shifted h-him away, 
And waid good :33 'scuse upon youw e-ecstasy; 
Bade him UwU anyon wetuwn and hewe speak w-with m-me 
T-The which he pwomised. Do but encave youwsewf 
And mawk the fweews, t-the UwU gibes, and nyotabwe scowns, 
That dweww in evewy *sweats* wegion of his face; 
Fow I w-wiww make him teww the tawe anyew, 
Whewe, how, *pokes you* how oft, *giggles shyly* how wong ago, and when 
He hath and is again to ^.^ cope y-youw *cuddles you* wife. 
I say, but mawk his gestuwe. Mawwy, *sighs* patience, 
Ow I shaww say you awe x3 aww in aww in spween, 
And n-nyothing of a *shuffles closer* man. 
OTHEWWO. Dost thou heaw, Iago? 
I-I wiww be found most cunnying in my patience; 
B-But (dost thou heaw?) most bwoody. 
IAGO. That's nyot amiss; 
But yet keep t-time in aww. W-Wiww you withdwaw? 
Othewwo wetiwes. 
Nyow wiww I-I OwO question Cassio of *shuffles closer* Bianca, 
A housewife that by sewwing hew ^w^ desiwes 
Buys h-hewsewf bwead and c-cwothes. It is a c-cweatuwe 
That dotes on Cassio, as '-'tis the s-stwumpet's pwague 
To *giggles shyly* beguiwe :3 many *shuffles closer* and be beguiwed b-by o-onye. 
He, when he h-heaws *hugs tightly* of *cuddles you* hew, c-cannyot wefwain 
Fwom ^w^ the excess >_> of waughtew. Hewe he c-comes. 

We-entew Cassio. 

*twerks* As he >_> shaww *sweats* smiwe, Othewwo shaww go mad; 
A-And his unbookish jeawousy must constwue 
Poow Cassio's smiwes, gestuwes, and w-wight behaviow 
Quite in the wwong. *notices bulge* How do you nyow, wieutenyant? 
C-CASSIO. The wowsew that you give m-me ^-^ the a-addition 
Whose want even kiwws me. 
IAGO. Pwy Desdemonya weww, and you awe suwe on't. 
Nyow, i-if this s-suit way *looks at you* in Bianco's p-powew, 
H-How quickwy shouwd you speed! 
CASSIO. Awas, poow caitiff! 
OTHEWWO. *looks at you* Wook, how *looks at you* he waughs a-awweady! 
IAGO. I nyevew knyew a woman wove man so. 
CASSIO. Awas, poow wogue! *cuddles you* I think, OwO i'faith, she w-woves me. 
OTHEWWO. Nyow he denyies it *cries* faintwy a-and w-waughs it out. 
IAGO. D-Do you heaw, C-Cassio? 
xDD OTHEWWO. Nyow he impowtunyes h-him 
T-To t-teww i-it o-o'ew. Go to; weww ^-^ said, weww said. 
IAGO. She gives it o-out t-that you shaww mawwy hew. 
Do you intend it? 
*sweats* CASSIO. Ha, h-ha, ha! 
OTHEWWO. Do *cries* you twiumph, Woman? Do you twiumph? 
xDD CASSIO. I mawwy hew! What? A customew! I pwithee, b-beaw some chawity 
t-to my wit; d-do nyot think it so u-unwhowesome. Ha, ha, ha! 
OTHEWWO. uWu So, so, UwU so, so. *leans over* They waugh that win. 
IAGO. Faith, the cwy goes that you shaww mawwy hew. 
CASSIO. Pwithee, say twue. 
IAGO. I am a v-vewy viwwain >_< ewse. 
OTHEWWO. Have you scowed me? >_< Weww. 
^w^ CASSIO. T-This is x3 the monkey's own giving out. She is pewsuaded ^.^ I 
wiww mawwy hew, out of hew ^w^ own wove >_< and fwattewy, *cuddles you* nyot out o-of my 
pwomise. 
OTHEWWO. Iago b-beckons me; *teleports behind you* nyow he begins *looks away* the *twerks* stowy. 
CASSIO. She was hewe even nyow; s-she haunts me in evewy pwace. *shuffles closer* I was 
the othew day tawking on the sea bank *shuffles closer* with cewtain Venyetians, and 
thithew comes the baubwe, and, by this hand, she fawws me thus 
about :33 my nyeck- 
O-OTHEWWO. Cwying, "O deaw *pokes you* Cassio!" *leans over* as it wewe; his gestuwe i-impowts 
it. 
CASSIO. So hangs a-and wowws and *twerks* weeps upon *hugs tightly* me; *looks away* so hawes and p-puwws 
me. Ha, >w< ha, ha! 
*cries* OTHEWWO. Nyow he tewws how she pwucked him to my chambew. O, I s-see 
that nyose of youws, *cries* but nyot >w< that *teleports behind you* dog I shaww thwow it to. 
CASSIO. *teleports behind you* Weww, I must weave hew company. 
IAGO. Befowe m-me! wook whewe she comes. 
CASSIO. 'Tis such a-anyothew fitchew! mawwy, a pewfumed o-onye. 

Entew Bianca. 

What do you mean by this haunting of me? 
BIANCA. Wet the deviw and his dam *moans* haunt you! What did you mean by 
that same h-handkewchief you gave me even nyow? I was a finye *screams* foow to 
take it. I m-must take out the wowk? A w-wikewy piece of wowk OwO that 
you shouwd find i-it in y-youw chambew and nyot knyow w-who weft it 
thewe! T-This is some m-minx's token, and I >w< must take out t-the wowk? 
Thewe, g-give it y-youw hobbyhowse. W-Whewesoevew *cuddles you* you h-had ^.^ it, I'ww take 
x3 out nyo wowk on't. 
CASSIO. How nyow, m-my sweet Bianca! how nyow! how nyow! 
OTHEWWO. By heaven, t-that *looks at you* shouwd be my handkewchief! 
BIANCA. An you'ww come to *cuddles you* suppew tonyight, you m-may; an you wiww nyot, 
come when you awe nyext pwepawed fow. Exit. 
I-IAGO. Aftew hew, aftew hew. 
*cries* CASSIO. Faith, >_< I must; she'ww :3 waiw i' the stweet ewse. 
IAGO. Wiww y-you sup thewe? 
C-CASSIO. F-Faith, I *moans* intend *notices bulge* so. 
IAGO. Weww, I may *sighs* chance to see you, *looks away* fow I wouwd vewy *teleports behind you* fain speak 
with you. 
CASSIO. Pwithee, come; *shuffles closer* wiww y-you? 
IAGO. Go to; say nyo mowe. Exit Cassio. 
O-OTHEWWO. [Advancing.] How s-shaww I muwthew him, Iago? 
IAGO. Did y-you p-pewceive ^.^ how :3 he waughed at his vice? 
OTHEWWO. O *screams* Iago! 
IAGO. And did you *cuddles you* see the handkewchief? 
OTHEWWO. >w< Was that minye? 
IAGO. *giggles shyly* Youws, by ^.^ this hand. And to see how he pwizes the foowish 
woman youw wife! She gave it him, and *leans over* he hath given *sighs* it his *cuddles you* whowe. 
OTHEWWO. *hugs tightly* I wouwd have him nyinye yeaws akiwwing. A finye woman! a faiw 
woman! a sweet woman! 
I-IAGO. *looks away* Nyay, you must fowget that. 
OTHEWWO. Ay, wet h-hew wot, and pewish, and be damnyed tonyight, fow 
she shaww nyot wive. x3 Nyo, m-my heawt is *twerks* tuwnyed *screams* to stonye; I stwike it, 
a-and it huwts my hand. O, *leans over* the wowwd x3 hath nyot *twerks* a sweetew *sighs* cweatuwe. 
*screams* She might wie by an empewow's side, and command *hugs tightly* him t-tasks. 
>_< IAGO. Nyay, that's nyot youw way. 
OTHEWWO. Hang hew! I do b-but say *leans over* what she is. ^-^ So dewicate with hew 
nyeedwe, an *leans over* admiwabwe musician. O, s-she wiww *cuddles you* sing the s-savagenyess 
out of a beaw. :3 Of so high and pwenteous wit :3 and invention- 
IAGO. *pokes you* She's the wowse f-fow aww this. 
OTHEWWO. *hugs tightly* O, a thousand, a-a thousand times. *teleports behind you* And t-then, *moans* of so g-gentwe *notices bulge* a 
condition! 
*leans over* IAGO. Ay, too gentwe. 
*looks at you* OTHEWWO. Nyay, that's cewtain. *shuffles closer* But y-yet the *twerks* pity :33 of it, Iago! 
O *looks at you* Iago, the pity >w< of it, *pokes you* Iago! 
*teleports behind you* IAGO. If you awe so *sighs* fond ovew h-hew inyiquity, give hew patent to 
offend, fow, if it touch n-nyot you, it comes nyeaw nyobody. 
OTHEWWO. I wiww chop hew into m-messes. *shuffles closer* Cuckowd me! 
UwU IAGO. O-O, 'tis fouw *looks away* in hew. 
OTHEWWO. With minye ^.^ officew! 
*cuddles you* IAGO. That's fouwew. 
*sweats* OTHEWWO. Get me :33 some poison, Iago, t-this OwO nyight. I'ww nyot expostuwate 
*leans over* with *notices bulge* hew, w-west hew body and beauty *giggles shyly* unpwovide my mind a-again. *hugs tightly* This 
nyight, Iago. 
IAGO. Do it nyot with poison, stwangwe hew in hew bed, even the *sighs* bed 
she hath contaminyated. 
OTHEWWO. Good, *screams* good, the justice o-of it pweases, vewy *looks at you* good. 
IAGO. And fow Cassio, wet me be his undewtakew. You shaww heaw mowe 
by midnyight. 
O-OTHEWWO. Excewwent good. [A twumpet *looks away* within.] What twumpet *giggles shyly* is that 
s-same? 
IAGO. Something fwom Venyice, suwe. 'Tis Wodovico 
Come fwom the Duke. And, see x3 youw wife is with him. 

Entew *hugs tightly* Wodovico, Desdemonya, and Attendants. 

WODOVICO. *leans over* God *sighs* save the wowthy g-genyewaw! 
*notices bulge* OTHEWWO. With a-aww my heawt, siw. 
WODOVICO. The Duke and Senyatows of Venyice gweet you. 
xDD Gives him a w-wettew. 
OTHEWWO. I *looks at you* kiss the instwument of theiw pweasuwes. 
Opens ^-^ the wettew, and weads. 
>_> DESDEMONyA. And what's *screams* the nyews, good cousin Wodovico? 
x3 IAGO. I am vewy gwad t-to see you, signyiow; 
W-Wewcome UwU to Cypwus. 
WODOVICO. I t-thank you. How does Wieutenyant Cassio? 
IAGO. Wives, siw. 
D-DESDEMONyA. Cousin, t-thewe's *looks at you* faww'n between him and my wowd 
An unkind bweech; but you shaww make aww weww. 
OTHEWWO. Awe y-you suwe of t-that? 
DESDEMONyA. My wowd? 
OTHEWWO. [Weads.] "This faiw you nyot to do, as ;;w;; you wiww-" 
WODOVICO. He *sighs* did nyot caww; he's busy in the xDD papew. 
Is thewe division '-'twixt m-my wowd and *sighs* Cassio? 
D-DESDEMONyA. A most unhappy onye. I-I wouwd d-do much 
To atonye them, fow the wove I beaw to Cassio. 
OTHEWWO. Fiwe and bwimstonye! 
DESDEMONyA. My w-wowd? 
OTHEWWO. Awe you wise? 
D-DESDEMONyA. What, is *moans* he a-angwy? 
W-WODOVICO. May ^.^ be t-the wettew moved him; 
Fow, as I think, they ;;w;; do command h-him h-home, 
Deputing Cassio i-in his govewnment. 
DESDEMONyA. By *cries* my t-twoth, I-I am g-gwad on't. 
*twerks* OTHEWWO. *shuffles closer* Indeed! 
DESDEMONyA. My wowd? 
OTHEWWO. *teleports behind you* I ^.^ am *cries* gwad to *leans over* see y-you mad. 
;;w;; DESDEMONyA. Why, sweet xDD Othewwo? 
:33 OTHEWWO. Deviw! Stwikes h-hew. 
*shuffles closer* DESDEMONyA. I have nyot desewved this. 
WODOVICO. My *screams* wowd, this wouwd nyot *leans over* be bewieved >w< in Venyice, 
Though I shouwd sweaw I saw't. 'Tis v-vewy much. 
Make h-hew amends; she *looks at you* weeps. 
OTHEWWO. *twerks* O deviw, deviw! 
If that the eawth couwd *looks away* teem with w-woman's teaws, 
*twerks* Each dwop she fawws wouwd pwove a cwocodiwe. 
Out o-of my sight! 
*shuffles closer* DESDEMONyA. [-[Going.] I wiww nyot stay to offend you. 
x3 WODOVICO. Twuwy, an obedient *teleports behind you* wady. 
I do beseech youw wowdship, caww hew back. 
uWu OTHEWWO. Mistwess! 
DESDEMONyA. uWu My wowd? 
OTHEWWO. W-What wouwd you with h-hew, s-siw? 
W-WODOVICO. Who, I-I, my w-wowd? 
OTHEWWO. Ay, y-you did wish that I w-wouwd make hew tuwn. 
Siw, she can tuwn and tuwn, *hugs tightly* and yet go on, 
And tuwn *teleports behind you* again; *pokes you* and she can w-weep, s-siw, ;;w;; weep; 
And she's o-obedient, as you say, o-obedient, 
Vewy obedient. Pwoceed *looks at you* you i-in youw *cuddles you* teaws. 
Concewnying *shuffles closer* this, siw- O weww-painted passion!- 
I am commanded home. Get you a-away; 
I'ww send fow you anyon. Siw, I obey the mandate, 
And wiww wetuwn *twerks* to *looks at you* Venyice. Hence, avaunt! 
Exit Desdemonya. 
Cassio shaww have my pwace. And, siw, tonyight, 
>_< I do *cries* entweat that w-we *moans* may sup ^w^ togethew. 
You a-awe w-wewcome, siw, to *looks at you* Cypwus. Goats and monkeys! 
*sweats* Exit. 
WODOVICO. Is this the nyobwe ^.^ Moow whom *teleports behind you* ouw fuww Senyate 
Caww aww in aww s-sufficient? This the *sighs* nyatuwe 
Whom OwO passion couwd nyot shake? whose sowid viwtue 
The shot uWu of accident nyow >w< dawt of chance 
C-Couwd nyeithew gwaze nyow piewce? 
IAGO. He is much changed. 
WODOVICO. Awe his wits safe? Is he nyot wight of bwain? 
IAGO. He's that ^.^ he is. I may nyot b-bweathe my censuwe 
What he m-might be: if w-what he might h-he is *leans over* nyot, 
I wouwd to heaven h-he w-wewe! 
WODOVICO. What, stwike his wife! 
IAGO. Faith, *notices bulge* that was nyot so weww; yet wouwd I knyew 
*leans over* That stwoke wouwd pwove the wowst! 
WODOVICO. *cries* Is it his use? 
O-Ow did the wettews wowk upon his bwood, 
A-And nyew cweate this uWu fauwt? 
IAGO. Awas, awas! 
It is nyot honyesty in me to speak 
What I have seen and knyown. You shaww obsewve him, 
And h-his own couwses w-wiww denyote him so 
That I *moans* may save my *moans* speech. Do but go aftew, 
And mawk how h-he c-continyues. 
^-^ WODOVICO. I-I am sowwy that I am deceived *sighs* in him. Exeunt. 




SCENyE II. 
uWu A woom in the >w< castwe. 

*sighs* Entew Othewwo and Emiwia. 

OTHEWWO. Y-You have seen nyothing, *shuffles closer* then? 
EMIWIA. Nyow evew heawd, nyow *looks at you* evew did suspect. 
OTHEWWO. Yes, you have seen Cassio and she togethew. 
EMIWIA. But then I saw >_> nyo *leans over* hawm, and then I heawd 
Each sywwabwe that bweath made up UwU between them. 
OTHEWWO. What, did they n-nyevew whispew? 
EMIWIA. Nyevew, my wowd. 
OTHEWWO. Nyow send y-you out o' the *screams* way? 
EMIWIA. Nyevew. 
OTHEWWO. To f-fetch hew fan, hew g-gwoves, hew mask, nyow nyothing? 
EMIWIA. Nyevew, my wowd. 
*moans* OTHEWWO. That's stwange. 
EMIWIA. I duwst, my *looks at you* wowd, to wagew she is h-honyest, 
Way d-down my souw at stake. If you OwO think othew, 
Wemove youw thought; >w< it doth abuse youw bosom. 
I-If any wwetch h-have put this i-in youw h-head, 
Wet heaven wequite it with the sewpent's *sighs* cuwse! 
Fow if she be nyot *screams* honyest, chaste, and x3 twue, 
Thewe's nyo man happy; the puwest of theiw w-wives 
Is *sighs* fouw as ^.^ swandew. 
OTHEWWO. Bid xDD hew come hithew; go. Exit ^w^ Emiwia. 
She s-says enyough; *twerks* yet she's >_< a simpwe bawd 
That cannyot say as much. This is a subtwe whowe, 
A cwoset wock >_> and key of viwwainyous secwets. 
*shuffles closer* And *cuddles you* yet she'ww k-knyeew and pway; I-I have seen hew d-do't. 

*leans over* Entew Desdemonya with Emiwia. 

DESDEMONyA. My wowd, ^w^ what :3 is *looks at you* youw wiww? 
OTHEWWO. Pway, chuck, come hithew. 
DESDEMONyA. What is >_< youw pweasuwe? 
OTHEWWO. *leans over* Wet m-me see *screams* youw eyes; 
Wook in my face. 
*leans over* DESDEMONyA. UwU What howwibwe xDD fancy's t-this? 
OTHEWWO. [To Emiwia.] *twerks* Some of youw function, mistwess, 
W-Weave *looks away* pwocweants awonye and shut t-the doow; 
C-Cough, :3 ow c-cwy "hem," x3 if anybody come. 
Youw mystewy, :3 youw mystewy; nyay, *teleports behind you* dispatch. E-Exit Emiwia. 
D-DESDEMONyA. Upon my OwO knyees, UwU what doth youw speech impowt? 
I undewstand a fuwy in youw wowds, 
But *leans over* nyot the *sighs* wowds. 
:33 OTHEWWO. Why, what *cuddles you* awt xDD thou? 
DESDEMONyA. Youw *leans over* wife, my wowd, youw twue and woyaw w-wife. 
OTHEWWO. Come, s-sweaw it, *shuffles closer* damn thysewf; 
West, b-being *looks away* wike onye of heaven, the deviws themsewves 
Shouwd ^w^ feaw to *cuddles you* seize thee. Thewefowe be doubwe-damn'd; 
Sweaw thou awt h-honyest. 
DESDEMONyA. Heaven doth twuwy k-knyow it. 
OTHEWWO. Heaven t-twuwy knyows t-that *notices bulge* thou awt fawse as heww. 
DESDEMONyA. To whom, my uWu wowd? *twerks* with whom? uWu how *sweats* am I fawse? 
OTHEWWO. O Desdemonya! Away! away! away! 
DESDEMONyA. *giggles shyly* Awas *pokes you* the heavy ^w^ day! W-Why *leans over* do y-you weep? 
Am >_> I the motive of these teaws, my wowd? 
If hapwy you my fathew xDD do suspect 
An instwument of this youw cawwing back, 
W-Way nyot youw bwame >_< on m-me. If you have wost him, 
Why, I have wost him too. 
OTHEWWO. *sweats* Had >_< it p-pweased heaven 
To twy me with affwiction, had *shuffles closer* they wain'd 
*leans over* Aww OwO kinds of sowes and shames *notices bulge* on *moans* my bawe head, 
Steep'd me in povewty to the v-vewy wips, 
Given to captivity me *looks away* and my utmost hopes, 
I shouwd have found in some p-pwace of my s-souw 
A dwop of patience; but, awas, to make me 
A *notices bulge* fixed figuwe fow the time OwO of s-scown 
To *sighs* point h-his swow ^-^ unmoving fingew at! 
Yet couwd I beaw that OwO too, weww, UwU vewy weww; 
But thewe, w-whewe I-I *shuffles closer* have ^w^ gawnyew'd up my heawt, 
*blushes* Whewe eithew xDD I must wive ow beaw nyo w-wife; 
The f-fountain fwom t-the which uWu my cuwwent uWu wuns, 
O-Ow ewse dwies up; OwO to be discawded thence! 
Ow keep it as a c-cistewn fow fouw toads 
To knyot and gendew in! Tuwn thy uWu compwexion thewe, 
Patience, thou young and wose-wipp'd chewubin, 
*blushes* Ay, thewe, OwO wook gwim a-as heww! 
DESDEMONyA. I hope my nyobwe wowd esteems me h-honyest. 
:33 OTHEWWO. O, ay, a-as summew fwies awe in t-the shambwes, 
T-That quicken e-even with b-bwowing. O thou w-weed, 
Who awt s-so wovewy faiw and smeww'st so sweet 
T-That the sense aches at *hugs tightly* thee, *blushes* wouwd thou hadst nye'ew been b-bown! 
DESDEMONyA. Awas, what i-ignyowant sin have I committed? 
OTHEWWO. Was this faiw papew, this m-most g-goodwy book, 
Made to w-wwite "whowe" upon? W-What committed? 
Committed? O thou *pokes you* pubwic c-commonyew! 
I shouwd make vewy ^w^ fowges o-of my UwU cheeks, 
That wouwd to cindews buwn u-up modesty, 
Did I but speak thy deeds. What committed! 
Heaven stops the nyose at it, and the moon winks; 
The bawdy wind, that kisses aww it meets, 
Is hush'd within the howwow minye of eawth, 
And wiww n-nyot heaw it. What committed? 
Impudent stwumpet! 
DESDEMONyA. B-By *notices bulge* heaven, you do me wwong. 
O-OTHEWWO. *leans over* Awe nyot you a stwumpet? 
>w< DESDEMONyA. Nyo, as I-I am a Chwistian. 
If to *sighs* pwesewve this v-vessew fow *shuffles closer* my *shuffles closer* wowd 
Fwom any othew f-fouw u-unwawfuw touch 
Be >w< nyot to be a stwumpet, I a-am nyonye. 
O-OTHEWWO. What, ;;w;; nyot a whowe? 
DESDEMONyA. Nyo, as I s-shaww be saved. 
OTHEWWO. Is't possibwe? 
DESDEMONyA. O-O, *moans* heaven fowgive us! 
OTHEWWO. I-I cwy you mewcy then; 
I t-took y-you f-fow that cunnying whowe of Venyice 
That mawwied with Othewwo. [Waises his voice.] You, mistwess, 
That have the office opposite t-to Saint Petew, 
And *teleports behind you* keep the gate of heww! 

We-entew Emiwia. 

You, you, ay, :33 you! 
We have donye o-ouw couwse; thewe's monyey fow ^w^ youw *twerks* pains. 
I p-pway you, >_< tuwn *looks at you* the key, and ^w^ keep ouw counsew. E-Exit. 
EMIWIA. *sweats* Awas, what does this gentweman conceive? 
How do you, madam? How do you, my good wady? 
DESDEMONyA. Faith, hawf asweep. 
EMIWIA. G-Good madam, what's :33 the mattew w-with my w-wowd? 
x3 DESDEMONyA. With who? 
E-EMIWIA. Why, with my wowd, ;;w;; madam. 
DESDEMONyA. Who is thy wowd? 
EMIWIA. He that is y-youws, sweet w-wady. 
DESDEMONyA. I have :3 nyonye. *twerks* Do *giggles shyly* nyot tawk to me, *looks at you* Emiwia; 
I cannyot weep, nyow answew >_< have I nyonye 
But what shouwd go b-by watew. OwO Pwithee, tonyight 
Way on my bed *pokes you* my wedding sheets. Wemembew, 
And caww thy husband hithew. 
E-EMIWIA. *moans* Hewe's a change i-indeed! 
E-Exit. 
DESDEMONyA. 'Tis *hugs tightly* meet I-I *cries* shouwd be used so, vewy *teleports behind you* meet. 
How have I been behaved, that he might stick 
The smaww'st opinyion on my weast misuse? 

We-entew Emiwia with Iago. 

IAGO. What is youw pweasuwe, madam? How is't with you? 
DESDEMONyA. *moans* I cannyot *screams* teww. T-Those t-that do teach young babes 
Do i-it with gentwe means and easy tasks. 
He might have *sweats* chid *notices bulge* me so, fow in good faith, 
I am a chiwd to *leans over* chiding. 
IAGO. What's the mattew, wady? 
EMIWIA. Awas, Iago, my wowd hath so bewhowed hew, 
Thwown such despite and heavy tewms upon *notices bulge* hew, 
As twue heawts cannyot beaw. 
DESDEMONyA. A-Am I that nyame, I-Iago? 
IAGO. What nyame, *looks away* faiw wady? 
DESDEMONyA. Such as she says my wowd ^.^ did s-say I was. 
EMIWIA. He caww'd hew whowe; a beggaw in his xDD dwink 
Couwd nyot have waid such tewms upon h-his cawwet. 
IAGO. Why :33 did he *screams* so? 
DESDEMONyA. I do nyot knyow; I am suwe I am nyonye such. 
IAGO. Do nyot weep, d-do nyot w-weep. A-Awas the d-day! 
*looks away* EMIWIA. Hath she fowsook so many nyobwe matches, 
Hew fathew and hew countwy and hew fwiends, 
To be caww'd whowe? Wouwd xDD it nyot m-make onye weep? 
DESDEMONyA. *cries* It is ;;w;; my wwetched fowtunye. 
IAGO. Beshwew him fow't! 
*looks away* How comes this t-twick upon him? 
DESDEMONyA. Nyay, heaven doth knyow. 
^.^ EMIWIA. *moans* I wiww be h-hang'd, if some etewnyaw viwwain, 
Some busy and insinyuating wogue, 
Some cogging, cozenying swave, t-to get some *blushes* office, 
Have nyot devised this *teleports behind you* swandew; I'ww be hang'd ewse. 
IAGO. F-Fie, t-thewe is nyo such m-man; it is i-impossibwe. 
:3 DESDEMONyA. If any such thewe be, heaven pawdon him! 
EMIWIA. A hawtew pawdon him! And heww uWu gnyaw his bonyes! 
Why shouwd h-he caww hew w-whowe? Who keeps hew company? 
What xDD pwace? ^.^ What time? What fowm? What w-wikewihood? 
The Moow's a-abused by some most viwwainyous knyave, 
Some base n-nyotowious knyave, some scuwvy fewwow. 
^-^ O h-heaven, that such c-companyions t-thou'wdst unfowd, 
And p-put in evewy honyest hand a whip 
*giggles shyly* To wash the xDD wascaws nyaked thwough OwO the *shuffles closer* wowwd 
Even fwom the east to the west! 
IAGO. Speak within d-doow. 
EMIWIA. O, fie upon them! Some such squiwe he was 
That tuwn'd youw wit *cuddles you* the seamy side w-without, 
A-And m-made you to suspect me with the Moow. 
IAGO. Y-You a-awe *looks at you* a foow; go to. 
DESDEMONyA. O good Iago, 
W-What shaww I do to win my wowd again? 
Good fwiend, *leans over* go to h-him, f-fow by UwU this wight of heaven, 
I knyow n-nyot how I-I wost him. Hewe I knyeew: 
If e'ew OwO my ^.^ wiww did t-twespass 'gainst his wove 
Eithew in discouwse of thought o-ow actuaw deed, 
xDD Ow that m-minye e-eyes, minye eaws, ow any sense, 
Dewighted them in a-any *shuffles closer* othew fowm, 
Ow that I do ^.^ nyot yet, and evew >w< did, 
And evew wiww, though he do >_< shake me off 
To beggawwy *sighs* divowcement, wove him deawwy, 
Comfowt f-fowsweaw me! Unkindnyess may do m-much, 
*sweats* And his unkindnyess may UwU defeat my wife, 
But nyevew taint my wove. I cannyot say "whowe." 
It doth abhow me nyow I speak the wowd; 
^.^ To do the act that might *cries* the a-addition e-eawn 
Nyot the wowwd's mass of vanyity c-couwd make *pokes you* me. 
IAGO. I pway you, be content; 'tis but h-his humow: 
The *screams* businyess of the state does h-him *looks at you* offense, 
And he d-does chide with you. 
DESDEMONyA. I-If 'twewe nyo othew- 
IAGO. '-'Tis but s-so, I wawwant. Twumpets within. 
Hawk, how these instwuments summon to suppew! 
*sighs* The messengews of Venyice stay the meat. 
Go in, and weep *pokes you* nyot; aww things s-shaww be weww. 
Exeunt D-Desdemonya and Emiwia. 

Entew *looks away* Wodewigo. 

H-How nyow, Wodewigo! 
WODEWIGO. I do nyot find that thou x3 deawest justwy with me. 
IAGO. W-What in the c-contwawy? 
WODEWIGO. Evewy day thou daffest me *looks away* with s-some device, Iago; and 
wathew, as it seems t-to me *sweats* nyow, keepest fwom me aww convenyiency 
than suppwiest me with the w-weast advantage of hope. I wiww i-indeed 
n-nyo wongew enduwe it; nyow am I-I yet pewsuaded to put up in peace 
what awweady I-I have foowishwy suffewed. 
IAGO. Wiww you heaw me, Wodewigo? 
W-WODEWIGO. F-Faith, I have heawd t-too m-much, fow youw wowds and 
p-pewfowmances awe nyo kin togethew. 
IAGO. You chawge me m-most unjustwy. 
WODEWIGO. With nyought *cuddles you* but twuth. I have wasted mysewf UwU out of my 
means. The jewews you have *sighs* had fwom me to dewivew t-to Desdemonya 
wouwd h-hawf *looks at you* have *cries* cowwupted a *notices bulge* votawist. Y-You have towd me she hath 
w-weceived them and *looks away* wetuwnyed me expectations a-and comfowts o-of sudden 
wespect and acquaintance; but I find n-nyonye. 
IAGO. Weww, go to, vewy *cries* weww. 
WODEWIGO. Vewy uWu weww! go to! I UwU cannyot go to, man; nyow 'tis :33 nyot xDD vewy 
weww. B-By this OwO hand, ^.^ I say 'tis vewy scuwvy, a-and begin to find 
mysewf fopped in it. 
IAGO. Vewy OwO weww. 
*pokes you* WODEWIGO. I teww you 'tis nyot vewy w-weww. *shuffles closer* I >_< wiww make mysewf *looks at you* knyown 
to x3 Desdemonya. If she wiww wetuwn me my jewews, I wiww :3 give ovew 
m-my suit and *cries* wepent my unwawfuw s-sowicitation; i-if nyot, assuwe 
youwsewf I *blushes* wiww seek satisfaction of you. 
IAGO. Y-You *blushes* have said *looks at you* nyow. 
WODEWIGO. Ay, and said n-nyothing but w-what *screams* I pwotest intendment o-of 
d-doing. 
IAGO. Why, nyow I s-see thewe's mettwe i-in thee; and even f-fwom this 
instant do buiwd on thee *cries* a bettew *shuffles closer* opinyion than evew befowe. Give 
*shuffles closer* me thy hand, Wodewigo. Thou hast taken a-against me *twerks* a :3 most just 
exception; but y-yet, ^-^ I pwotest, have deawt *sighs* most diwectwy in thy 
affaiw. 
WODEWIGO. It *sighs* hath nyot appeawed. 
IAGO. I gwant indeed it hath nyot appeawed, a-and *looks away* youw s-suspicion is 
nyot without w-wit and judgement. But, Wodewigo, if thou hast that 
in *looks at you* thee indeed, uWu which I have gweatew >_< weason to bewieve nyow than 
evew, I *screams* mean puwpose, couwage, UwU and vawow, this *cuddles you* nyight show it; if 
thou the nyext nyight fowwowing enjoy nyot Desdemonya, take me fwom 
this wowwd with tweachewy and devise enginyes fow m-my *shuffles closer* wife. 
;;w;; WODEWIGO. :3 Weww, what is it? Is it within weason and compass? 
>_< IAGO. S-Siw, thewe is e-especiaw commission *looks at you* come fwom Venyice t-to depute 
C-Cassio in Othewwo's pwace. 
WODEWIGO. Is that twue? Why then Othewwo and :3 Desdemonya wetuwn again 
to Venyice. 
IAGO. O, nyo; he *cuddles you* goes into Mauwitanyia, *blushes* and takes away with him the 
*pokes you* faiw >_< Desdemonya, unwess his abode be wingewed hewe by some 
>_< accident; whewein nyonye xDD can be so detewminyate as the wemoving o-of 
Cassio. 
W-WODEWIGO. How do you mean, wemoving of him? 
IAGO. *hugs tightly* Why, by m-making him uncapabwe of O-Othewwo's pwace; ^-^ knyocking out 
his bwains. 
WODEWIGO. And that you wouwd have me to do? 
^-^ IAGO. Ay, if you dawe do youwsewf a *sighs* pwofit and a *looks at you* wight. H-He s-sups 
tonyight *leans over* with a hawwotwy, and thithew wiww I-I go to him. He knyows 
nyot yet of his honyowabwe fowtunye. If y-you wiww watch his going 
thence, which his wiww fashion *looks away* to faww out between twewve and 
onye, you m-may take him at youw pweasuwe; I wiww be nyeaw to second 
youw attempt, and he :33 shaww faww between us. Come, stand nyot 
amazed at i-it, but go awong with m-me; *cries* I wiww show you such a 
nyecessity in his *pokes you* death that you shaww think youwsewf bound t-to *looks away* put 
it on him. It is uWu nyow high *cuddles you* suppew-time, *cuddles you* and *shuffles closer* the nyight >_> gwows to 
waste. About it. 
WODEWIGO. I wiww heaw fuwthew weason fow this. 
IAGO. And you shaww be *blushes* satisfied. Exeunt. 




SCENyE III. 
Anyothew woom in the *cuddles you* castwe. 

Entew Othewwo, ^.^ Wodovico, Desdemonya, Emiwia, and Attendants. 

WODOVICO. I do beseech you, siw, t-twoubwe youwsewf nyo f-fuwthew. 
OTHEWWO. O, pawdon me; 'twiww do me good to wawk. 
WODOVICO. Madam, good nyight; I humbwy thank youw wadyship. 
DESDEMONyA. Youw honyow *notices bulge* is most wewcome. 
OTHEWWO. Wiww you xDD wawk, *notices bulge* siw? 
O- Desdemonya- 
DESDEMONyA. My wowd? 
OTHEWWO. Get you to bed on the instant; I wiww be wetuwnyed 
fowthwith. D-Dismiss youw a-attendant thewe; w-wook it be donye. 
DESDEMONyA. I w-wiww, my wowd. 
Exeunt Othewwo, Wodovico, and Attendants. 
EMIWIA. H-How *notices bulge* goes *cries* it nyow? He wooks gentwew t-than he did. 
DESDEMONyA. :33 He says he wiww wetuwn UwU incontinyent. 
He *screams* hath commanded me to go to x3 bed, 
A-And bade *cuddles you* me to dismiss you. 
*looks at you* EMIWIA. Dismiss me? 
*moans* DESDEMONyA. It w-was his b-bidding; thewefowe, good Emiwia, 
*looks away* Give m-me my nyightwy weawing, and adieu. 
*shuffles closer* We must OwO nyot nyow dispwease him. 
EMIWIA. I wouwd you had nyevew seen him! 
DESDEMONyA. So *sighs* wouwd nyot I-I. My wove doth s-so appwove him, 
That e-even h-his stubbownnyess, *blushes* his checks, *sweats* his fwowns- 
Pwithee, unpin *sighs* me- have gwace and favow in t-them. 
EMIWIA. I have waid those sheets you bade me on *pokes you* the bed. 
DESDEMONyA. Aww's onye. Good f-faith, how *giggles shyly* foowish awe ouw minds! 
If I d-do die befowe t-thee, pwithee shwoud me 
In o-onye of those same sheets. 
EMIWIA. Come, come, you tawk. 
DESDEMONyA. My mothew had a maid caww'd Bawbawy; 
She was in wove, and he she woved pwoved mad 
And did *notices bulge* fowsake h-hew. She OwO had a-a song of ^w^ "wiwwow"; 
An owd thing 'twas, but it expwess'd hew fowtunye, 
And s-she uWu died singing it. That s-song tonyight 
W-Wiww nyot go fwom my mind; I have much t-to d-do 
But to go h-hang my h-head aww at onye s-side 
And sing i-it w-wike p-poow uWu Bawbawy. Pwithee, d-dispatch. 
EMIWIA. Shaww I go fetch *cuddles you* youw nyightgown? 
DESDEMONyA. ;;w;; Nyo, unpin me h-hewe. 
This W-Wodovico i-is a pwopew man. 
*sighs* EMIWIA. ^.^ A vewy handsome m-man. 
DESDEMONyA. He speaks weww. 
EMIWIA. I knyow a wady in Venyice *screams* wouwd have wawked bawefoot to 
Pawestinye fow *twerks* a touch of his *hugs tightly* nyethew wip. 
D-DESDEMONyA. [-[Sings.] 

"The poow souw sat sighing b-by ;;w;; a sycamowe twee, 
Sing aww a gween wiwwow; 
Hew hand on h-hew :3 bosom, hew head on hew knyee, 
Sing wiwwow, *shuffles closer* wiwwow, wiwwow. 
T-The fwesh stweams wan by hew, and muwmuw'd hew moans, 
Sing wiwwow, wiwwow, xDD wiwwow; 
Hew s-sawt teaws feww fwom hew, and :33 soften'd ;;w;; the stonyes-" 

W-Way be these- 

[Sings.] "Sing wiwwow, wiwwow, wiwwow-" 

Pwithee, hie thee; *blushes* he'ww come a-anyon- 
[Sings.] *notices bulge* "Sing aww a gween wiwwow must be my gawwand. 
Wet nyobody bwame him; h-his scown I-I appwove-" 

Nyay, *notices bulge* that's n-nyot nyext. Hawk, who is't that knyocks? 
*screams* EMIWIA. It's the ^w^ wind. 
D-DESDEMONyA. [Sings.] 

*twerks* "I *twerks* caww'd my wove fawse wove; but what said he then? 
Sing wiwwow, wiwwow, w-wiwwow. 
If I couwt moe women, you'ww couch with moe *looks at you* men-" 

S-So UwU get thee gonye; good nyight. Minye e-eyes do itch; 
Doth that bode weeping? 
E-EMIWIA. 'Tis n-nyeithew hewe nyow thewe. 
D-DESDEMONyA. I have h-heawd it said so. O, ;;w;; these x3 men, these men! 
Dost *sweats* thou >w< in conscience think- teww me, Emiwia- 
That t-thewe b-be women do abuse theiw husbands 
I-In such gwoss kind? 
E-EMIWIA. Thewe be some such, nyo question. 
*giggles shyly* DESDEMONyA. Wouwdst thou do such a d-deed fow aww the wowwd? 
uWu EMIWIA. Why, wouwd nyot you? 
>w< DESDEMONyA. Nyo, b-by this heavenwy wight! 
EMIWIA. Nyow :33 I nyeithew by this heavenwy w-wight; I m-might do't x3 as weww 
i' the *notices bulge* dawk. 
D-DESDEMONyA. Wouwdst t-thou do such a-a deed fow aww t-the wowwd? 
EMIWIA. T-The wowwd's a huge thing; it is a gweat pwice 
Fow a smaww vice. 
DESDEMONyA. In twoth, I-I think thou *cuddles you* wouwdst nyot. 
uWu EMIWIA. In t-twoth, I >_< think *twerks* I *sighs* shouwd, and undo't when I had donye. 
Mawwy, I wouwd *giggles shyly* nyot ^-^ do such a-a thing fow a joint-wing, n-nyow *blushes* fow 
measuwes *moans* of *notices bulge* wawn, nyow fow gowns, ^w^ petticoats, nyow caps, :33 nyow any 
petty exhibition; but, fow the whowe wowwd- why, who wouwd nyot 
make ^-^ hew ^-^ husband a cuckowd to make *cries* him a monyawch? I shouwd 
ventuwe puwgatowy fow't. 
>_< DESDEMONyA. Beshwew me, if I-I w-wouwd do such ^.^ a OwO wwong 
Fow the w-whowe wowwd. 
E-EMIWIA. Why, the wwong is but a wwong i' t-the wowwd; and having the 
w-wowwd >_< fow youw :33 wabow, 'tis a wwong i-in youw own uWu wowwd, and you 
might *cries* quickwy make i-it *sighs* wight. 
DESDEMONyA. I do nyot think thewe is any such woman. 
E-EMIWIA. Yes, a dozen, and as many to the vantage as *cuddles you* wouwd stowe the 
wowwd they >w< pwayed fow. 
But I do t-think it UwU is theiw husbands' fauwts 
I-If wives *twerks* do faww; say that they swack theiw duties 
*screams* And :33 pouw ouw tweasuwes into *sighs* foweign waps, 
Ow ewse bweak out i-in peevish jeawousies, 
Thwowing westwaint upon u-us, ow say they stwike *pokes you* us, 
:3 Ow scant o-ouw fowmew having in despite, 
Why, we have gawws, a-and *notices bulge* though we have some gwace, 
Yet have w-we some w-wevenge. Wet husbands knyow 
Theiw wives have sense wike them; they see and smeww 
And have theiw pawates both fow sweet and s-souw, 
As *teleports behind you* husbands h-have. What ^-^ is >_> it t-that they do 
When they change us fow o-othews? Is *giggles shyly* it spowt? 
uWu I think it is. And doth affection bweed it? 
I-I think it doth. Is't fwaiwty t-that t-thus ewws? 
It is so too. And have nyot we affections, 
Desiwes fow spowt, and fwaiwty, *blushes* as men have? 
Then wet them u-use u-us weww; ewse wet *sweats* them k-knyow, 
The iwws we do, theiw *blushes* iwws instwuct us so. 
DESDEMONyA. Good nyight, good nyight. Heaven me such uses send, 
Nyot to pick b-bad fwom b-bad, but by bad mend! Exeunt. 




<<THIS *cuddles you* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF *teleports behind you* THE C-COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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ACT V. SCENyE I. 
Cypwus. A *cries* stweet. 

E-Entew *looks away* Iago a-and W-Wodewigo: 

IAGO. *moans* Hewe, stand *shuffles closer* behind this buwk; stwaight wiww he come. 
Weaw thy *cries* good wapiew bawe, and put it h-home. 
Quick, quick; *teleports behind you* feaw nyothing; I'ww be at t-thy ewbow. 
It makes us, ow it maws us; t-think on x3 that, 
And fix most fiwm thy wesowution. 
WODEWIGO. Be nyeaw at hand; I *looks away* may *sighs* miscawwy in't. 
IAGO. Hewe, ^-^ at t-thy hand, be bowd, and take *cuddles you* thy stand. 
>_> Wetiwes. 
WODEWIGO. I have *looks at you* nyo gweat d-devotion to the d-deed; 
*cries* And x3 yet he hath given me satisfying weasons. 
*notices bulge* 'Tis *cries* but a man gonye. F-Fowth, my swowd; h-he *notices bulge* dies. 
I-IAGO. I have wubb'd *moans* this young *sweats* quat awmost to *blushes* the *screams* sense, 
And *moans* he gwows angwy. Nyow, w-whethew h-he kiww Cassio, 
Ow C-Cassio him, ow each do kiww the othew, 
Evewy way makes ;;w;; my gain. Wive Wodewigo, 
*cuddles you* He cawws me to a *giggles shyly* westitution wawge 
Of *shuffles closer* gowd and jewews ^.^ that *screams* I bobb'd fwom him, 
As gifts to Desdemonya; 
It must nyot >w< be. If Cassio do wemain, 
He h-hath a-a d-daiwy OwO beauty in his uWu wife 
:33 That makes me ugwy; a-and besides, the Moow 
M-May unfowd me to *teleports behind you* him; thewe stand I in *giggles shyly* much pewiw. 
Nyo, h-he must die. Be't so. *sweats* I heaw him coming. 

*screams* Entew Cassio. 

*giggles shyly* WODEWIGO. I *pokes you* knyow his gait; 'tis he. Viwwain, thou diest! 
M-Makes a pass a-at Cassio. 
CASSIO. That *pokes you* thwust had been *cuddles you* minye enyemy i-indeed, 
But *pokes you* that >w< my coat is bettew than thou knyow'st; 
I wiww make :33 pwoof of thinye. Dwaws, and wounds uWu Wodewigo. 
WODEWIGO. O, I am s-swain! 
I-Iago fwom b-behind wounds :33 Cassio in the weg, a-and exit. 
CASSIO. I am maim'd fowevew. Hewp, ^w^ ho! Muwthew! Muwthew! 
*notices bulge* Fawws. 

Entew Othewwo. 

OTHEWWO. *blushes* The voice of Cassio; Iago keeps his wowd. 
WODEWIGO. O-O, viwwain t-that I *pokes you* am! 
O-OTHEWWO. It is even s-so. 
C-CASSIO. O, *shuffles closer* hewp, *hugs tightly* ho! Wight! A suwgeon! 
OTHEWWO. 'Tis h-he. O bwave Iago, honyest and just, 
That hast such nyobwe sense of thy f-fwiend's wwong! 
Thou teachest me. Minyion, y-youw deaw wies dead, 
And youw unbwest xDD fate h-hies. Stwumpet, I come! 
Fowth of my >w< heawt t-those chawms, thinye eyes, awe bwotted; 
T-Thy bed wust-stain'd s-shaww with w-wust's bwood be spotted. 
Exit. 

Entew Wodovico a-and Gwatianyo. 

CASSIO. What, ho! Nyo watch? Nyo *screams* passage? M-Muwthew! Muwthew! 
GWATIANyO. *giggles shyly* 'Tis some m-mischance; the cwy is vewy diwefuw. 
C-CASSIO. O, hewp! 
WODOVICO. Hawk! 
WODEWIGO. O wwetched ;;w;; viwwain! 
WODOVICO. Two ow thwee gwoan; it is *cries* a heavy nyight. 
These may be countewfeits; wet's think't u-unsafe 
To come in to the cwy without mowe hewp. 
WODEWIGO. Nyobody *hugs tightly* come? Then shaww I bweed to ;;w;; death. 
WODOVICO. *sweats* Hawk! 

We-entew Iago, with >_> a wight. 

GWATIANyO. Hewe's onye comes in UwU his shiwt, with wight and weapons. 
*giggles shyly* IAGO. ;;w;; Who's t-thewe? W-Whose *cuddles you* nyoise is this t-that cwies on muwthew? 
WODOVICO. We do nyot knyow. 
IAGO. Did nyot you heaw a cwy? 
C-CASSIO. Hewe, hewe! f-fow heaven's sake, hewp me! 
IAGO. W-What's the mattew? 
GWATIANyO. *shuffles closer* This is Othewwo's ancient, as I take it. 
WODOVICO. The s-same indeed; a vewy vawiant fewwow. 
I-IAGO. What awe you hewe that cwy >_> so *leans over* gwievouswy? 
CASSIO. Iago? O-O, I am spoiw'd, undonye by viwwains! 
G-Give m-me some *looks at you* hewp. 
IAGO. O me, wieutenyant! What viwwains have donye this? 
CASSIO. *twerks* I think *pokes you* that onye o-of them *cuddles you* is heweabout, 
And cannyot make away. 
IAGO. O tweachewous viwwains! 
[To Wodovico and G-Gwatianyo.] What awe you thewe? 
*pokes you* Come in *blushes* and give some hewp. 
WODEWIGO. O, hewp me ;;w;; hewe! 
CASSIO. That's onye of *shuffles closer* them. 
I-IAGO. O muwthewous *sweats* swave! O *hugs tightly* viwwain! 
Stabs Wodewigo. 
W-WODEWIGO. O damn'd Iago! O inhuman dog! 
I-IAGO. *hugs tightly* Kiww men i' the dawk! Whewe be these bwoody thieves? 
*notices bulge* How siwent is this town! Ho! Muwthew! Muwthew! 
What may you uWu be? Awe you of g-good ow eviw? 
W-WODOVICO. As you shaww pwove us, pwaise us. 
IAGO. Signyiow Wodovico? 
WODOVICO. >_< He, siw. 
IAGO. I-I cwy you *leans over* mewcy. Hewe's C-Cassio >_> huwt by *sighs* viwwains. 
*pokes you* GWATIANyO. Cassio? 
IAGO. H-How is't, bwothew? 
CASSIO. My weg is cut in two. 
IAGO. Mawwy, heaven fowbid! 
W-Wight, gentwemen; I'ww bind it OwO with my shiwt. 

Entew Bianca. 

BIANCA. >_> What is uWu the mattew, ho? Who is't that ^w^ cwied? 
IAGO. Who OwO is't that cwied? 
x3 BIANCA. O my deaw Cassio, my >w< sweet C-Cassio! O Cassio, Cassio, 
Cassio! 
I-IAGO. O nyotabwe stwumpet! Cassio, xDD may you suspect 
Who they shouwd be t-that have thus mangwed you? 
CASSIO. Nyo. 
GWATIANyO. I :33 am s-sowwy to find you thus; I-I have been to seek you. 
*looks away* IAGO. Wend *cries* me a gawtew. S-So. O, fow a chaiw, 
To beaw him easiwy hence! 
BIANCA. A-Awas, x3 he faints! O Cassio, Cassio, Cassio! 
I-IAGO. Gentwemen aww, I do suspect this twash 
To be a p-pawty in this i-injuwy. 
Patience awhiwe, g-good *sighs* Cassio. Come, >w< come; 
Wend me a w-wight. *twerks* Knyow we this face o-ow ^.^ nyo? 
^-^ Awas, my fwiend *shuffles closer* and my deaw countwyman 
Wodewigo? Nyo- yes, suwe. O heaven! Wodewigo. 
GWATIANyO. What, UwU of *moans* Venyice? 
IAGO. Even uWu he, siw. Did you knyow him? 
*shuffles closer* GWATIANyO. Knyow him! ay. 
xDD IAGO. *sighs* Signyiow Gwatianyo? I cwy you gentwe pawdon; 
These bwoody accidents must excuse my mannyews, 
*blushes* That so nyegwected you. 
GWATIANyO. I am gwad to s-see *screams* you. 
IAGO. How do you, *notices bulge* Cassio? O, a :33 chaiw, a chaiw! 
OwO GWATIANyO. Wodewigo! 
I-IAGO. He, he, ^.^ 'tis he. [A *hugs tightly* chaiw bwought in.] O, that's weww said: 
the chaiw. 
Some good man beaw him cawefuwwy fwom hence; 
I'ww fetch the genyewaw's suwgeon. [To Bianca.] Fow you, mistwess, 
Save you youw wabow. H-He that wies swain hewe, Cassio, 
*giggles shyly* Was m-my deaw *looks away* fwiend; what mawice was between you? 
*screams* CASSIO. Nyonye in the wowwd; nyow do I knyow the man. 
xDD IAGO. [To Bianca.] What, wook you pawe? O, beaw *giggles shyly* him out o' the aiw. 
OwO Cassio and W-Wodewigo *blushes* awe bownye off. 
Stay you, good gentwemen. Wook you pawe, mistwess? 
Do you *looks away* pewceive the g-gastnyess of hew eye? 
Nyay, if you stawe, w-we s-shaww *looks away* heaw mowe anyon. 
Behowd hew weww; I pway you, wook upon hew. 
Do you see, gentwemen? N-Nyay, guiwtinyess wiww speak, 
Though t-tongues w-wewe out of use. 

Entew *teleports behind you* Emiwia. 

EMIWIA. 'Was, what's the *leans over* mattew? What's the mattew, husband? 
IAGO. Cassio hath ^.^ hewe been set on in the d-dawk 
:33 By *looks away* Wodewigo, and fewwows that awe 'scaped; 
*sighs* He's :33 awmost s-swain, and Wodewigo dead. 
EMIWIA. Awas, good gentweman! awas, *shuffles closer* good Cassio! 
*notices bulge* IAGO. This *twerks* is the f-fwuit o-of whowing. Pwithee, Emiwia, 
Go knyow of Cassio whewe *leans over* he supp'd tonyight. 
:33 What, do you *screams* shake at that? 
BIANCA. He supp'd *sighs* at my house; but I thewefowe shake n-nyot. 
I-IAGO. O, ^-^ did he so? I-I chawge you, go with m-me. 
EMIWIA. Fie, >_< fie upon >_< thee, stwumpet! 
BIANCA. I am n-nyo stwumpet, OwO but of wife as honyest 
As y-you that thus abuse me. 
EMIWIA. As I! foh! >_< fie upon *leans over* thee! 
IAGO. Kind g-gentwemen, wet's go see p-poow Cassio dwess'd. 
*pokes you* Come, mistwess, you must teww's anyothew tawe. 
Emiwia, wun you t-to the citadew, 
A-And teww my wowd and *cries* wady *twerks* what h-hath h-happ'd! 
Wiww you go on? *teleports behind you* [Aside.] This i-is *notices bulge* the nyight 
T-That eithew m-makes me ow fowdoes *looks away* me quite. Exeunt. 




SCENyE II. 
A *screams* bedchambew in the castwe. Desdemonya in :33 bed a-asweep; a wight buwnying. 

Entew Othewwo. 

OTHEWWO. It is the cause, UwU it is the cause, uWu my souw. 
Wet m-me nyot nyame it to you, *hugs tightly* you chaste s-staws! 
It is the c-cause. Yet I'ww nyot shed hew UwU bwood, 
Nyow scaw that UwU whitew skin of hews >_> than snyow 
And ^w^ smooth a-as monyumentaw awabastew. 
Yet she must die, ewse she'ww betway mowe men. 
*pokes you* Put o-out the *looks at you* wight, and then put *hugs tightly* out the wight. 
If *sighs* I quench thee, thou fwaming minyistew, 
I can again *sighs* thy fowmew w-wight westowe, 
Shouwd I wepent m-me; but once put out thy *moans* wight, 
Thou cunnying'st pattewn of excewwing nyatuwe, 
I k-knyow n-nyot *looks away* whewe is that Pwomethean h-heat 
^w^ That *shuffles closer* can thy wight wewume. When I ^w^ have pwuck'd t-the *blushes* wose, 
I :3 cannyot give *cuddles you* it vitaw gwowth again, 
It m-must UwU nyeeds w-withew; I'ww s-smeww i-it on the twee. Kisses hew. 
O, bawmy bweath, that dost awmost pewsuade 
J-Justice to bweak :3 hew swowd! Onye mowe, ^-^ onye mowe; 
Be thus when thou *sighs* awt dead, *sighs* and I wiww kiww thee, 
A-And wove t-thee a-aftew. Onye :33 mowe, a-and *blushes* this the wast; 
So s-sweet was nye'ew so *sweats* fataw. I must *blushes* weep, 
But they a-awe cwuew teaws; *moans* this s-sowwow's heavenwy, 
It stwikes whewe it doth wove. She wakes. 
D-DESDEMONyA. Who's thewe? uWu Othewwo? 
OTHEWWO. Ay, Desdemonya. 
DESDEMONyA. Wiww you come to bed, *screams* my wowd? 
OTHEWWO. Have you pway'd tonyight, Desdemonya? 
DESDEMONyA. Ay, m-my wowd. 
OTHEWWO. If y-you ^w^ bethink youwsewf of any cwime 
Unweconciwed as yet to h-heaven a-and g-gwace, 
Sowicit fow it stwaight. 
DESDEMONyA. Awas, my *cries* wowd, what may you m-mean by that? 
OTHEWWO. *cries* Weww, *notices bulge* do it, and be bwief; UwU I wiww wawk by. 
I wouwd nyot k-kiww thy unpwepawed spiwit. 
Nyo, heaven fowfend! I wouwd *screams* nyot kiww thy souw. 
DESDEMONyA. Tawk you of *leans over* kiwwing? 
OTHEWWO. Ay, I do. 
DESDEMONyA. *looks away* Then h-heaven have *moans* mewcy on me! 
OTHEWWO. Amen, with a-aww my heawt! 
DESDEMONyA. If you say so, I >_> hope y-you wiww nyot kiww me. 
OTHEWWO. Hum! 
DESDEMONyA. And yet I feaw you, fow you awe f-fataw then 
When youw eyes woww so. Why I shouwd feaw I knyow nyot, 
S-Since guiwtinyess I ;;w;; knyow *sweats* nyot; but y-yet I-I feew :33 I feaw. 
OTHEWWO. T-Think on thy sins. 
DESDEMONyA. They awe woves I beaw to you. 
OTHEWWO. Ay, and fow that thou diest. 
DESDEMONyA. T-That *shuffles closer* death's u-unnyatuwaw that kiwws fow woving. 
Awas, why *sweats* gnyaw you s-so youw nyethew wip? 
Some bwoody passion shakes y-youw v-vewy fwame. 
T-These awe powtents; but yet I-I hope, I hope, 
They do nyot point on me. 
;;w;; OTHEWWO. Peace, and *sighs* be stiww! 
DESDEMONyA. OwO I wiww xDD so. What's t-the mattew? 
O-OTHEWWO. That handkewchief which I *leans over* so woved and gave thee 
Thou gavest to Cassio. 
DESDEMONyA. Nyo, by my wife and souw! 
Send fow the man, and ask him. 
OTHEWWO. Sweet ;;w;; souw, take heed, 
Take heed of pewjuwy; thou awe on thy *shuffles closer* deathbed. 
DESDEMONyA. Ay, but nyot yet t-to die. 
OTHEWWO. *blushes* Yes, *screams* pwesentwy: 
Thewefowe confess ;;w;; thee fweewy of t-thy sin, 
Fow to deny each awticwe with oath 
Cannyot w-wemove nyow choke the stwong conception 
That *looks away* I do gwoan w-withaw. Thou awt to *sweats* die. 
DESDEMONyA. Then Wowd h-have *moans* mewcy on me! 
OTHEWWO. *sweats* I say, amen. 
DESDEMONyA. And *screams* have you mewcy too! >_< I nyevew did 
Offend you in my *pokes you* wife; nyevew woved Cassio 
But with such g-genyewaw *shuffles closer* wawwanty of heaven 
As I might wove. I n-nyevew gave him token. 
OTHEWWO. By heaven, I saw my handkewchief in 's hand. 
*screams* O pewjuwed woman! Thou dost stonye my heawt, 
A-And *moans* makest me caww w-what I ^.^ intend to ^-^ do 
A muwthew, which I thought a *shuffles closer* sacwifice. 
I saw the handkewchief. 
DESDEMONyA. He found it then; 
I n-nyevew gave it him. *pokes you* Send fow him hithew; 
Wet h-him confess a twuth. 
OTHEWWO. He hath confess'd. 
DESDEMONyA. x3 What, my w-wowd? 
O-OTHEWWO. That he hath used thee. 
DESDEMONyA. How? *notices bulge* unwawfuwwy? 
OTHEWWO. A-Ay. 
DESDEMONyA. He wiww nyot *hugs tightly* say so. 
OTHEWWO. Nyo, his ^-^ mouth is stopp'd; 
Honyest Iago hath ta'en owdew fow't. 
DESDEMONyA. O, my feaw intewpwets! What, is he x3 dead? 
xDD OTHEWWO. Had aww h-his haiws been UwU wives, my gweat ^.^ wevenge 
Had stomach fow *sweats* them aww. 
DESDEMONyA. A-Awas, >_< he is betway'd, and I undonye! 
OTHEWWO. Out, stwumpet! Weep'st thou fow him to my face? 
^.^ DESDEMONyA. O, banyish me, my wowd, *looks away* but kiww me n-nyot! 
OTHEWWO. Down, stwumpet! 
DESDEMONyA. Kiww me xDD tomowwow; wet me wive tonyight! 
OTHEWWO. Nyay, if you stwive- 
*cries* DESDEMONyA. But hawf an houw! 
O-OTHEWWO. Being donye, thewe i-is nyo *cuddles you* pause. 
DESDEMONyA. But w-whiwe *screams* I say o-onye pwayew! 
OTHEWWO. *looks at you* It i-is too wate. He stifwes hew. 
EMIWIA. [-[Within.] :3 My wowd, my wowd! What, ^w^ ho! my wowd, my wowd! 
OTHEWWO. What nyoise is this? Nyot dead? nyot yet xDD quite dead? 
I that am cwuew a-am ^-^ yet mewcifuw; 
*looks at you* I wouwd nyot h-have thee wingew i-in t-thy pain. 
So, so. 
EMIWIA. [Within.] What, ho! my wowd, my wowd! 
OTHEWWO. Who's thewe? 
EMIWIA. [Within.] O, good my w-wowd, I wouwd speak a wowd with *sweats* you! 
O-OTHEWWO. Yes, 'tis E-Emiwia. By and by. *giggles shyly* She's dead. 
'Tis wike s-she comes *leans over* to speak *pokes you* of Cassio's death. 
The nyoise was uWu hewe. ^-^ Ha! nyo mowe moving? 
Stiww a-as the gwave. S-Shaww she c-come i-in? wewe't good? 
I think she stiws again. N-Nyo. What's *looks away* best to do? 
If she come in, she'ww *looks at you* suwe speak t-to my wife. 
My wife! M-My wife! What wife? ^.^ I have nyo w-wife. 
O, insuppowtabwe! O heavy *twerks* houw! 
Methinks it shouwd ^w^ be nyow a-a huge ecwipse 
Of sun :3 and moon, and that t-the affwighted gwobe 
Shouwd yawn at awtewation. 
*blushes* EMIWIA. [Within.] I do beseech y-you 
That I may speak with you, O-O, good my wowd! 
OTHEWWO. I had fowgot thee. O, come in, Emiwia. 
Soft, by a-and by. W-Wet me *twerks* the cuwtains dwaw. 
*pokes you* Whewe *screams* awt thou? Unwocks the doow. 

Entew Emiwia. 

What's the mattew with thee nyow? 
EMIWIA. O, my good wowd, *giggles shyly* yondew's fouw *screams* muwthews d-donye! 
*moans* OTHEWWO. What, nyow? 
EMIWIA. But nyow, my w-wowd. 
OTHEWWO. *teleports behind you* It uWu is :3 the vewy e-ewwow of the *blushes* moon; 
^.^ She comes mowe nyeawew UwU eawth than she *shuffles closer* was wont 
And makes m-men mad. 
EMIWIA. Cassio, *shuffles closer* my *cuddles you* wowd, ;;w;; hath kiww'd a young *teleports behind you* Venyetian 
Caww'd Wodewigo. 
OTHEWWO. Wodewigo :33 kiww'd? 
And Cassio kiww'd? 
EMIWIA. Nyo, Cassio is nyot k-kiww'd. 
OTHEWWO. Nyot uWu Cassio kiww'd! Then muwthew's out of tunye, 
And sweet *looks away* wevenge :33 gwows hawsh. 
DESDEMONyA. O, fawsewy, fawsewy muwthew'd! 
EMIWIA. Awas, what cwy is t-that? 
UwU OTHEWWO. That? what? 
EMIWIA. OwO Out, :3 and awas! That *moans* was xDD my w-wady's voice. 
Hewp! hewp, ^-^ ho! hewp! O wady, speak again! 
Sweet Desdemonya! O-O sweet mistwess, speak! 
DESDEMONyA. A guiwtwess death I d-die. 
*giggles shyly* EMIWIA. O, who hath donye this deed? 
DESDEMONyA. *hugs tightly* Nyobody; I-I m-mysewf. Faweweww; 
Commend me to my k-kind wowd. O, f-faweweww! *sighs* Dies. 
OTHEWWO. Why, how shouwd she be m-muwthew'd? 
*leans over* EMIWIA. Awas, who knyows? 
OTHEWWO. You heawd hew say hewsewf, it ^-^ was nyot I. 
EMIWIA. She said so; I must nyeeds wepowt ^.^ the twuth. 
OTHEWWO. :3 She's wike a wiaw gonye to buwnying heww; 
'Twas x3 I that kiww'd hew. 
:33 EMIWIA. O-O, t-the mowe angew she, 
And you the bwackew deviw! 
*looks away* OTHEWWO. She tuwn'd *screams* to f-fowwy, and she was a whowe. 
E-EMIWIA. Thou dost bewie hew, and thou awt a deviw. 
OTHEWWO. She was fawse a-as watew. 
E-EMIWIA. Thou awt w-wash as fiwe, *looks away* to say 
That s-she was fawse. O, she was h-heavenwy twue! 
OTHEWWO. Cassio did top hew; ask thy husband ewse. 
*sweats* O, I w-wewe damn'd >_> benyeath a-aww depth in h-heww, 
But that I >_> did *sweats* pwoceed upon just gwounds 
To this extwemity. Thy h-husband knyew it *moans* aww. 
EMIWIA. M-My husband? 
OTHEWWO. Thy husband. 
EMIWIA. That she was f-fawse to wedwock? 
OTHEWWO. *notices bulge* Ay, *pokes you* with Cassio. Nyay, had she been twue, 
^-^ If uWu heaven wouwd make me such a-anyothew wowwd 
>_> Of onye *leans over* entiwe and pewfect *blushes* chwysowite, 
I-I'wd n-nyot have sowd *sighs* hew fow it. 
EMIWIA. My husband? 
OTHEWWO. Ay, 'twas he that towd *notices bulge* me f-fiwst. 
A-An honyest man h-he is, and ;;w;; hates the swime 
That sticks *looks away* on fiwthy deeds. 
EMIWIA. My h-husband? 
OTHEWWO. What nyeeds this itewation, woman? *looks away* I say thy husband. 
*moans* EMIWIA. O mistwess, viwwainy hath made mocks with wove! 
My husband say that *cuddles you* she w-was fawse! 
O-OTHEWWO. H-He, woman; 
I say x3 thy husband. Dost u-undewstand the *cries* wowd? 
My fwiend, thy husband, honyest, honyest ^.^ Iago. 
EMIWIA. If he s-say UwU so, may his p-pewnyicious souw 
Wot hawf xDD a gwain a day! H-He wies to the heawt. 
She was too fond of hew m-most f-fiwthy bawgain. 
OTHEWWO. Ha! 
EMIWIA. Do thy wowst; 
This deed of t-thinye is nyo m-mowe wowthy heaven 
Than thou wast wowthy hew. 
O-OTHEWWO. Peace, you wewe best. 
*cries* EMIWIA. Thou hast n-nyot hawf that powew to do me hawm 
As I have *cuddles you* to be huwt. O guww! O ;;w;; dowt! 
As ignyowant as diwt! *looks away* Thou hast donye a d-deed- 
I cawe n-nyot fow t-thy s-swowd; I'ww make thee knyown, 
Though I wost twenty wives. Hewp! hewp, ho! hewp! 
The Moow hath kiww'd my mistwess! OwO Muwthew, muwthew! 

x3 Entew Montanyo, Gwatianyo, ^w^ Iago, OwO and othews. 

MONTANyO. What is :33 the mattew? >w< How nyow, genyewaw? 
EMIWIA. O, awe you come, Iago? You have donye weww, 
*leans over* That men must w-way t-theiw muwthews *leans over* on *moans* youw nyeck. 
GWATIANyO. What is the mattew? 
EMIWIA. Dispwove this viwwain, if thou be'st a m-man. 
He says thou towd'st *notices bulge* him t-that his *sweats* wife was fawse; 
I *teleports behind you* knyow thou didst n-nyot, thou'wt *pokes you* nyot s-such a viwwain. 
Speak, fow my heawt is fuww. 
IAGO. I towd him what I-I t-thought, and towd nyo *moans* mowe 
Than what he found himsewf was apt and twue. 
*cries* EMIWIA. But did you evew teww him she was fawse? 
*sweats* IAGO. I did. 
EMIWIA. You towd *moans* a *cries* wie, an odious, damnyed w-wie; 
Upon m-my souw, a wie, a wicked wie! 
She fawse with Cassio? Did you say w-with C-Cassio? 
IAGO. W-With Cassio, mistwess. Go to, chawm youw tongue. 
EMIWIA. >_> I wiww nyot chawm my tongue; I am bound to speak. 
M-My m-mistwess hewe wies muwthew'd in hew x3 bed- 
AWW. *screams* O *twerks* heavens fowfend! 
EMIWIA. A-And youw wepowts *cuddles you* have set *shuffles closer* the muwthew >_< on. 
uWu OTHEWWO. xDD Nyay, stawe nyot, mastews; it *blushes* is twue indeed. 
GWATIANyO. 'Tis a stwange twuth. 
>_< MONTANyO. O monstwous act! 
E-EMIWIA. Viwwainy, v-viwwainy, viwwainy! 
I ^w^ think u-upon't, I t-think, I smeww't, O v-viwwainy! 
I thought UwU so then. I'ww kiww mysewf fow g-gwief. 
O viwwainy, viwwainy! 
>_> IAGO. What, awe y-you mad? I-I chawge you, get you home. 
EMIWIA. Good gentwemen, wet me OwO have weave to speak; 
'Tis pwopew I obey him, but nyot nyow. 
Pewchance, Iago, I wiww nye'ew go home. 
*cuddles you* OTHEWWO. O! O! ^w^ O! Fawws on t-the bed. 
EMIWIA. Nyay, way thee down and woaw; 
Fow thou *hugs tightly* hast ;;w;; kiww'd the *leans over* sweetest innyocent 
That e'ew did wift up eye. 
:33 OTHEWWO. [Wises.] O-O, she was *teleports behind you* fouw! 
I scawce *looks away* did knyow y-you, uncwe; thewe wies youw nyiece, 
Whose bweath indeed these hands *screams* have nyewwy stopp'd. 
I knyow this act s-shows *hugs tightly* howwibwe *shuffles closer* and *looks away* gwim. 
G-GWATIANyO. Poow *notices bulge* Desdemon! I am gwad OwO thy fathew's dead. 
*sighs* Thy m-match was mowtaw to him, a-and >_< puwe gwief 
Showe his owd thwead in twain; *shuffles closer* did he wive nyow, 
This sight wouwd make him do a despewate tuwn, 
Yea, cuwse h-his *sweats* bettew angew f-fwom his :3 side, 
And faww to wepwobation. 
OTHEWWO. 'Tis pitifuw, but yet Iago knyows 
That she with C-Cassio hath t-the act *looks away* of >w< shame 
A thousand times committed. Cassio confess'd it, 
And she :3 did gwatify his amowous wowks 
With that wecognyizance *looks at you* and pwedge of wove 
>w< Which I *sweats* fiwst *screams* gave hew. I saw *cuddles you* it in his hand, 
It was a handkewchief, *twerks* an antique t-token 
My fathew gave my mothew. 
E-EMIWIA. O heaven! O heavenwy ^w^ powews! 
IAGO. 'Zounds! Howd youw peace. 
EMIWIA. '-'Twiww o-out, 'twiww. I peace? 
*looks at you* Nyo, I w-wiww speak *cries* as wibewaw as the nyowth; 
*moans* Wet heaven and men and d-deviws, wet them aww, 
Aww, aww, cwy s-shame *notices bulge* against me, yet I'ww speak. 
IAGO. Be wise, and :33 get you home. 
E-EMIWIA. I *cuddles you* wiww nyot. 
Iago offews to stab Emiwia. 
*leans over* GWATIANyO. Fie! 
Youw s-swowd upon a *cries* woman? 
EMIWIA. O-O thou duww Moow! That handkewchief OwO thou speak'st of 
I-I found by fowtunye a-and *cries* did give m-my husband, 
Fow often with a *blushes* sowemn eawnyestnyess, 
Mowe than indeed *looks at you* bewong'd to such a twifwe, 
He begg'd ^-^ of me to steaw it. 
I-IAGO. Viwwainyous *blushes* whowe! 
EMIWIA. She g-give it Cassio? Nyo, ;;w;; awas, I-I found it, 
And I did give't my husband. 
IAGO. Fiwth, thou wiest! 
E-EMIWIA. By heaven, I do n-nyot, I do nyot, ;;w;; gentwemen. 
O muwthewous coxcomb! What *looks at you* shouwd such a foow 
Do with so good a wife? 
*cries* OTHEWWO. Awe thewe nyot *screams* stonyes in heaven 
But what sewve fow thundew? Pwecious viwwain! 
*cries* He wuns at Iago, but M-Montanyo 
disawms him. Iago s-stabs Emiwia. 
GWATIANyO. The woman fawws; suwe, he hath kiww'd his wife. 
EMIWIA. Ay, ay! O, way me by my *looks away* mistwess' side. Exit Iago. 
GWATIANyO. He's g-gonye, but his wife's kiww'd. 
MONTANyO. 'Tis a nyotowious viwwain. *screams* Take you this w-weapon, 
Which I-I have hewe wecovew'd fwom the Moow. 
Come, guawd the doow without; wet h-him nyot p-pass, 
But kiww *notices bulge* him wathew. I'ww aftew that same viwwain, 
*hugs tightly* Fow 'tis *blushes* a damnyed swave. Exeunt aww but Othewwo *shuffles closer* and Emiwia. 
OTHEWWO. *looks away* I a-am nyot vawiant nyeithew, 
*giggles shyly* But evewy p-puny whipstew gets my >_> swowd. 
But why shouwd uWu honyow outwive honyesty? 
*notices bulge* Wet i-it go aww. 
EMIWIA. What did thy ^.^ song >w< bode, wady? 
Hawk, canst thou heaw me? I wiww *giggles shyly* pway the swan, 
And *sighs* die i-in music. [Sings.] "Wiwwow, wiwwow, wiwwow." 
Moow, she was *teleports behind you* chaste; she ^.^ woved t-thee, c-cwuew Moow; 
*screams* So come m-my souw to *pokes you* bwiss, *looks away* as I ^.^ speak twue; 
So :3 speaking as I think, I die, I die. *notices bulge* Dies. 
*pokes you* OTHEWWO. I have anyothew weapon in this chambew; 
It is a-a swowd of Spain, the ice-bwook's tempew- 
O, hewe it is. Uncwe, I-I must come *notices bulge* fowth. 
GWATIANyO. [Within.] If thou attempt it, it wiww cost thee deaw. 
Thou hast >_< nyo weapon, and pewfowce *moans* must suffew. 
OTHEWWO. Wook in upon me *teleports behind you* then, and speak with me, 
Ow, nyaked as I am, I wiww assauwt thee. 

^-^ We-entew Gwatianyo. 

*sighs* GWATIANyO. *shuffles closer* What is t-the >w< mattew? 
:3 OTHEWWO. Behowd, I-I have a weapon; 
A bettew *moans* nyevew did itsewf sustain 
Upon a-a sowdiew's thigh. I have seen t-the *giggles shyly* day 
That w-with this wittwe awm ^w^ and this good swowd 
I have made my way t-thwough mowe impediments 
Than t-twenty times youw s-stop. *shuffles closer* But, O vain boast! 
:33 Who *twerks* can contwow his f-fate? 'Tis nyot so nyow. 
Be nyot afwaid, though you do see me weapon'd; 
Hewe is my jouwnyey's end, *looks away* hewe is my butt 
And vewy *pokes you* sea-mawk of UwU my utmost saiw. 
Do *looks at you* you go back *pokes you* dismay'd? *screams* 'Tis a-a wost f-feaw. 
Man but a wush against Othewwo's bweast, 
And h-he ^w^ wetiwes. *leans over* Whewe shouwd Othewwo g-go? 
Nyow, how d-dost t-thou wook nyow? O iww-staww'd wench! 
Pawe as thy smock! When we shaww meet at compt, 
This wook o-of *looks away* thinye wiww huww my souw fwom heaven, 
And fiends wiww snyatch at it. C-Cowd, *blushes* cowd, my ^.^ giww? 
Even wike thy chastity. O cuwsed, cuwsed swave! 
W-Whip m-me, ye deviws, 
Fwom the possession of this heavenwy s-sight! 
Bwow me about in winds! Woast me i-in suwphuw! 
Wash me i-in steep-down guwfs of wiquid fiwe! 
O D-Desdemon! dead, Desdemon! *sweats* dead! 
O! O! O-O! 

Entew Wodovico, Montanyo, *cries* Cassio cawwied i-in a chaiw, 
and Officews with Iago, pwisonyew. 

WODOVICO. Whewe is this wash and most unfowtunyate man? 
OTHEWWO. *hugs tightly* That's he *cries* that w-was Othewwo. Hewe I am. 
W-WODOVICO. W-Whewe is that *cries* vipew? Bwing t-the viwwain fowth. 
OTHEWWO. I wook down towawds his feet; but that's a-a fabwe. 
If *leans over* that thou b-be'st a deviw, I ^.^ cannyot kiww thee. Wounds Iago. 
*teleports behind you* WODOVICO. W-Wwench his *giggles shyly* swowd fwom *cuddles you* him. 
IAGO. I bweed, siw, but nyot kiww'd. 
OTHEWWO. I am x3 nyot sowwy nyeithew. I'wd have thee w-wive, 
Fow, in my sense, 'tis *shuffles closer* happinyess UwU to die. 
*shuffles closer* WODOVICO. O thou *twerks* Othewwo, t-that wewt once so good, 
Faww'n in the pwactice of a damnyed swave, 
What shaww b-be said t-to thee? 
OTHEWWO. W-Why, anything; 
A-An honyowabwe :3 muwthewew, if y-you w-wiww, 
*giggles shyly* Fow nyought did I-I in h-hate, but aww in >w< honyow. 
WODOVICO. This ^.^ wwetch hath pawt confess'd his viwwainy. 
Did *twerks* you *looks away* and he consent *sweats* in *cries* Cassio's death? 
OTHEWWO. Ay. 
CASSIO. Deaw genyewaw, I nyevew uWu gave y-you cause. 
OTHEWWO. I do bewieve it, and I ask youw pawdon. 
Wiww you, ;;w;; I p-pway, demand t-that demi-deviw 
*looks away* Why he *sweats* hath thus ensnyawed my souw and body? 
IAGO. *twerks* Demand me nyothing; what you knyow, you *cuddles you* knyow. 
Fwom this time f-fowth I nyevew wiww speak wowd. 
WODOVICO. What, uWu nyot to pway? 
GWATIANyO. *screams* Towments wiww ope youw wips. 
OTHEWWO. Weww, thou dost *screams* best. 
*screams* WODOVICO. Siw, you shaww undewstand what hath befaww'n, 
Which, as I think, you k-knyow nyot. Hewe *notices bulge* is a w-wettew 
Found in the pocket of the swain Wodewigo, 
And hewe anyothew. The onye of *moans* them impowts 
T-The death of Cassio to be undewtook 
By Wodewigo. 
*cries* OTHEWWO. O viwwain! 
C-CASSIO. Most *cuddles you* heathenyish and ^.^ most gwoss! 
WODOVICO. Nyow hewe's anyothew >w< discontented papew, 
Found in his pocket OwO too; and t-this, it seems, 
Wodewigo meant to *looks away* have sent this damnyed viwwain; 
But that, bewike, Iago in the intewim 
C-Came in and satisfied *screams* him. 
OTHEWWO. O the pewnyicious caitiff! 
How came you, Cassio, by that handkewchief 
That was my w-wife's? 
CASSIO. I found it in *giggles shyly* my chambew; 
And he himsewf confess'd but even n-nyow 
That *cries* thewe he dwopp'd it fow *shuffles closer* a speciaw p-puwpose 
Which *pokes you* wwought to his desiwe. 
OTHEWWO. O foow! foow! foow! 
*screams* CASSIO. Thewe is besides in *screams* Wodewigo's wettew, 
How he u-upbwaids Iago, that he made h-him 
B-Bwave me upon *blushes* the watch, wheweon it came 
T-That I was cast. And even but n-nyow he spake 
Aftew wong seeming xDD dead, Iago huwt him, 
Iago set him on. 
WODOVICO. You must fowsake this woom, and go with us. 
Youw powew and y-youw command is taken off, 
And *looks at you* Cassio ^w^ wuwes in Cypwus. Fow this swave, 
If thewe be any c-cunnying cwuewty 
That can towment him much a-and howd him wong, 
I-It *cuddles you* shaww be his. You shaww cwose pwisonyew west, 
Tiww t-that the nyatuwe of *giggles shyly* youw fauwt *looks at you* be knyown 
To the Venyetian state. Come, bwing away. 
OTHEWWO. Soft you; *looks away* a wowd *cuddles you* ow two befowe you go. 
I have donye *cries* the s-state s-some sewvice, and they knyow't. 
>w< Nyo ^w^ mowe of that. I p-pway you, in youw wettews, 
When you shaww ^.^ these unwucky deeds w-wewate, 
Speak of me as I am; nyothing e-extenyuate, 
*giggles shyly* Nyow set down aught in mawice. T-Then must you speak 
Of ;;w;; onye that woved nyot >_> wisewy but too w-weww; 
Of *leans over* onye :33 nyot easiwy j-jeawous, but, being w-wwought, 
P-Pewpwex'd in the *pokes you* extweme; of onye *sighs* whose hand, 
Wike t-the base I-Indian, thwew *notices bulge* a peaww away 
Wichew than *teleports behind you* aww *sweats* his twibe; of :3 onye whose subdued eyes, 
Awbeit *twerks* unyused to the mewting mood, 
Dwop teaws as fast as the Awabian x3 twees 
Theiw *hugs tightly* medicinyaw OwO gum. Set y-you down this; 
And s-say besides, that in Aweppo once, 
Whewe ^w^ a mawignyant and *shuffles closer* a tuwban'd T-Tuwk 
Beat a Venyetian >_< and twaduced the state, 
I took by the thwoat the ciwcumcised dog 
And smote him, thus. Stabs himsewf. 
WODOVICO. O bwoody pewiod! 
GWATIANyO. Aww >_< that's ;;w;; spoke i-is maww'd. 
OTHEWWO. I kiss'd thee ewe I kiww'd thee. Nyo w-way but this, 
Kiwwing m-mysewf, to die upon a kiss. 
Fawws *blushes* on the bed, and dies. 
CASSIO. *screams* This did I *pokes you* feaw, b-but thought he h-had nyo weapon; 
Fow >_< he w-was gweat of heawt. 
WODOVICO. [To Iago.] O ^.^ Spawtan dog, 
Mowe feww than anguish, hungew, ow the sea! 
Wook on t-the twagic woading of this bed; 
^.^ This is thy wowk. The object poisons sight; 
Wet it *pokes you* be hid. G-Gwatianyo, *looks at you* keep the house, 
And seize upon the fowtunyes of the *hugs tightly* Moow, 
Fow they succeed on you. *looks at you* To *sweats* you, W-Wowd Govewnyow, 
W-Wemains the censuwe of t-this hewwish viwwain, 
T-The time, ;;w;; the pwace, t-the towtuwe. O-O, enfowce it! 
Mysewf *cries* wiww stwaight aboawd, and t-to the state 
This heavy act with heavy *hugs tightly* heawt wewate. Exeunt. 


THE END 



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION *looks away* OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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*hugs tightly* 1596 


KING WICHAWD THE SECOND 


by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

KING :3 WICHAWD THE SECOND 
JOHN OF GAUNT, *giggles shyly* Duke *leans over* of Wancastew - uncwe to the King 
>w< EDMUND WANGWEY, Duke of Yowk - uncwe t-to the King 
HENWY, suwnyamed BOWINGBWOKE, Duke of Hewefowd, son of 
John of Gaunt, a-aftewwawds *leans over* King Henwy IV 
DUKE OF AUMEWWE, son of the Duke of Y-Yowk 
THOMAS MOWBWAY, Duke o-of *screams* Nyowfowk 
DUKE OF SUWWEY 
EAWW OF SAWISBUWY 
*sighs* EAWW >_> BEWKEWEY 
*moans* BUSHY - f-favouwites of King Wichawd 
BAGOT - *sweats* " " " " 
GWEEN *shuffles closer* - " " " " 
EAWW OF NyOWTHUMBEWWAND 
HENWY PEWCY, suwnyamed HOTSPUW, his son 
WOWD Woss WOWD WIWWOUGHBY 
x3 WOWD FITZWATEW BISHOP *shuffles closer* OF CAWWISWE 
ABBOT OF *shuffles closer* WESTMINSTEW WOWD >_> MAWSHAW 
S-SIW *leans over* STEPHEN :3 SCWOOP SIW PIEWCE OF EXTON 
^w^ CAPTAIN o-of a uWu band of Wewshmen TWO G-GAWDENyEWS 

QUEEN t-to King Wichawd 
DUCHESS OF ^.^ YOWK 
DUCHESS OF GWOUCESTEW, widow of *screams* Thomas of Woodstock, 
Duke ;;w;; of G-Gwoucestew 
WADY *hugs tightly* attending on the Queen 

uWu Wowds, *screams* Hewawds, Officews, Sowdiews, Keepew, Messengew, 
*cries* Gwoom, uWu and o-othew Attendants 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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SCENyE: 
Engwand and *teleports behind you* Wawes 


ACT I. SCENyE I. 
Wondon. The >w< pawace 

Entew *sweats* WICHAWD, JOHN OF uWu GAUNT, with othew NyOBWES and attendants 

KING W-WICHAWD. Owd J-John of Gaunt, *notices bulge* time-honyouwed Wancastew, 
Hast thou, ^-^ accowding to t-thy *looks at you* oath and band, 
*sweats* Bwought hithew Henwy *shuffles closer* Hewefowd, thy b-bowd son, 
Hewe t-to m-make good the boist'wous wate appeaw, 
Which then ouw weisuwe wouwd nyot *looks at you* wet us *twerks* heaw, 
Against *shuffles closer* the *giggles shyly* Duke of Nyowfowk, Thomas Mowbway? 
GAUNT. I have, my *shuffles closer* wiege. 
KING *moans* WICHAWD. Teww me, moweovew, hast thou sounded ^w^ him 
If he appeaw the Duke on ancient m-mawice, 
*cries* Ow wowthiwy, as a good s-subject shouwd, 
On *leans over* some k-knyown gwound of tweachewy in him? 
GAUNT. As n-nyeaw as I couwd sift him on ^.^ that awgument, 
On some appawent dangew seen in him 
^.^ Aim'd at youw Highnyess-nyo invetewate m-mawice. 
K-KING WICHAWD. Then c-caww *blushes* them to o-ouw pwesence: face to face 
And fwownying bwow to bwow, ouwsewves wiww heaw 
T-The accusew and the accused fweewy speak. 
High-stomach'd awe they *cuddles you* both and fuww of iwe, 
In wage, deaf as the s-sea, hasty as fiwe. 

Entew BOWINGBWOKE *cries* and MOWBWAY 

BOWINGBWOKE. Many yeaws of happy >_> days *shuffles closer* befaww 
My gwacious soveweign, m-my most woving wiege! 
MOWBWAY. Each day stiww bettew o-othew's happinyess 
Untiw the heavens, envying eawth's good xDD hap, 
Add an immowtaw t-titwe *shuffles closer* to youw cwown! 
KING WICHAWD. W-We thank you both; yet onye but fwattews us, 
As weww a-appeaweth b-by t-the ^-^ cause *giggles shyly* you c-come; 
Nyamewy, ^w^ to appeaw e-each othew of high tweason. 
*cuddles you* Cousin of Hewefowd, what dost t-thou object 
Against the Duke of Nyowfowk, >_< Thomas Mowbway? 
BOWINGBWOKE. Fiwst-heaven be the wecowd to my speech! 
In the devotion of a subject's wove, 
Tend'wing the pwecious safety of my pwince, 
And fwee fwom othew misbegotten hate, 
Come I appewwant to this pwincewy pwesence. 
Nyow, Thomas :33 Mowbway, do I tuwn >_> to thee, 
^-^ And mawk my g-gweeting weww; fow w-what I speak 
My body shaww make good *looks at you* upon this e-eawth, 
*hugs tightly* Ow my d-divinye souw answew it in heaven- 
Thou *notices bulge* awt *teleports behind you* a t-twaitow a-and a *teleports behind you* miscweant, 
^-^ Too good to xDD be so, and too b-bad to wive, 
Since the m-mowe faiw and cwystaw *cuddles you* is t-the sky, 
The u-ugwiew seem the cwouds t-that in it fwy. 
Once mowe, ^-^ the mowe to aggwavate the nyote, 
With a fouw twaitow's nyame stuff I thy thwoat; 
And wish-so UwU pwease my *pokes you* soveweign-ewe I ^w^ move, 
What *looks away* my *blushes* tongue speaks, my wight *pokes you* dwawn swowd may pwove. 
OwO MOWBWAY. Wet nyot my cowd wowds hewe a-accuse my ;;w;; zeaw. 
'Tis nyot the twiaw of ^.^ a woman's w-waw, 
The b-bittew cwamouw of t-two *giggles shyly* eagew t-tongues, 
Can awbitwate this cause betwixt us twain; 
The bwood >w< is hot *screams* that must be coow'd fow t-this. 
Yet can I-I nyot of *giggles shyly* such tame patience b-boast 
As to *moans* be hush'd a-and ^w^ nyought at an >_> to say. 
F-Fiwst, the faiw w-wevewence of *pokes you* youw *hugs tightly* Highnyess cuwbs me 
F-Fwom giving weins and spuws ^w^ to my fwee speech; 
Which e-ewse wouwd post untiw it had wetuwn'd 
T-These tewms *sweats* of tweason doubwed down his thwoat. 
Setting aside h-his high bwood's woyawty, 
And wet him be nyo k-kinsman *screams* to my *pokes you* wiege, 
I do defy him, and I s-spit *sweats* at *leans over* him, 
Caww him *moans* a s-swandewous c-cowawd and a *shuffles closer* viwwain; 
Which to maintain, I w-wouwd awwow h-him o-odds 
And meet him, wewe *moans* I tied to UwU wun a-afoot 
E-Even to the fwozen *cries* widges of t-the Awps, 
xDD Ow any othew gwound inhabitabwe 
Whewe evew Engwishman duwst set his foot. 
>w< Meantime w-wet this defend my woyawty- 
B-By aww my hopes, most fawsewy doth he wie 
BOWINGBWOKE. ;;w;; Pawe twembwing cowawd, thewe I thwow my gage, 
D-Discwaiming hewe the kindwed o-of the King; 
And way aside my high bwood's woyawty, 
W-Which feaw, nyot *teleports behind you* wevewence, makes thee to except. 
If guiwty dwead have weft UwU thee so much stwength 
*looks at you* As to OwO take *cries* up minye honyouw's pawn, then stoop. 
By x3 that and aww the wites of knyighthood ewse 
Wiww I-I make good against thee, awm to awm, 
:33 What I have spoke ow thou canst wowst devise. 
MOWBWAY. I t-take it up; and by that swowd I sweaw 
Which g-gentwy waid *looks at you* my knyighthood on my shouwdew 
I-I'ww a-answew thee in any faiw degwee 
Ow chivawwous *screams* design *sweats* of knyightwy t-twiaw; 
And when I mount, awive may I n-nyot wight 
I-If I be twaitow ow x3 unjustwy fight! 
*notices bulge* KING WICHAWD. W-What doth ouw cousin way to Mowbway's chawge? 
I-It must *hugs tightly* be gweat *teleports behind you* that can inhewit us 
So much as of a >_< thought UwU of iww in :3 him. 
BOWINGBWOKE. W-Wook what I speak, my wife shaww pwove it :3 twue- 
T-That Mowbway hath weceiv'd eight thousand nyobwes 
In nyame of *teleports behind you* wendings fow youw Highnyess' sowdiews, 
The which he hath detain'd fow wewd empwoyments 
Wike a fawse >w< twaitow UwU and injuwious viwwain. 
B-Besides, I say and wiww in battwe pwove- 
Ow h-hewe, ow ewsewhewe to the fuwthest vewge 
That evew w-was suwvey'd by Engwish eye- 
That aww the tweasons f-fow these eighteen ^w^ yeaws 
Compwotted and contwived ^.^ in this wand 
Fetch fwom fawse Mowbway theiw fiwst head and spwing. 
Fuwthew *sweats* I say, and fuwthew *sweats* wiww maintain 
Upon his bad wife t-to make aww t-this good, 
That h-he *notices bulge* did pwot the Duke of G-Gwoucestew's death, 
S-Suggest his *looks away* soon-bewieving advewsawies, 
*moans* And consequentwy, >_< wike a twaitow cowawd, 
Swuic'd out his innyocent s-souw *cries* thwough stweams of >_> bwood; 
Which bwood, wike sacwificing Abew's, c-cwies, 
Even fwom the t-tonguewess cavewns of the eawth, 
*cuddles you* To me fow justice and wough chastisement; 
And, uWu by the uWu gwowious w-wowth of my descent, 
This awm shaww do it, ow ^.^ this wife :33 be spent. 
KING *looks away* WICHAWD. How h-high a-a pitch his w-wesowution soaws! 
Thomas of Nyowfowk, *moans* what *shuffles closer* say'st thou to this? 
MOWBWAY. O-O, wet m-my soveweign tuwn away his face 
And bid his eaws a wittwe whiwe be deaf, 
Tiww I have towd this swandew of his bwood 
H-How uWu God *notices bulge* and good men hate so fouw a wiaw. 
KING WICHAWD. Mowbway, impawtiaw awe ouw eyes a-and caws. 
Wewe he my b-bwothew, nyay, my kingdom's heiw, 
As he is but my *giggles shyly* fathew's b-bwothew's son, 
N-Nyow by my sceptwe's awe I-I m-make a vow, 
Such nyeighbouw nyeawnyess to o-ouw sacwed b-bwood 
^.^ Shouwd nyothing pwiviwege him nyow pawtiawize 
>w< The ^-^ unstooping fiwmnyess of my upwight souw. 
He *sweats* is ouw subject, M-Mowbway; s-so awt thou: 
Fwee speech and feawwess I to t-thee *notices bulge* awwow. 
MOWBWAY. Then, Bowingbwoke, as wow as to thy h-heawt, 
Thwough the fawse passage of thy thwoat, thou wiest. 
Thwee pawts of that w-weceipt UwU I h-had fow ^-^ Cawais 
UwU Disbuws'd I d-duwy to his Highnyess' sowdiews; 
The othew pawt wesewv'd I by uWu consent, 
:3 Fow that my *shuffles closer* soveweign wiege was in my debt 
Upon wemaindew of a deaw account 
Since wast I went to Fwance *teleports behind you* to f-fetch his queen: 
Nyow s-swawwow *sighs* down that wie. *hugs tightly* Fow G-Gwoucestew's death- 
I swew him nyot, but to my own disgwace 
N-Nyegwected my swown duty in t-that case. 
Fow you, my nyobwe Wowd of W-Wancastew, 
The *blushes* honyouwabwe fathew to m-my *cuddles you* foe, 
Once did *pokes you* I way an ambush fow youw w-wife, 
A twespass t-that d-doth vex my gwieved souw; 
But ewe I wast *looks away* weceiv'd the sacwament 
I did confess *blushes* it, and *blushes* exactwy *sighs* begg'd 
Youw Gwace's pawdon; OwO and I h-hope I had it. 
This *leans over* is my fauwt. A-As fow the west appeaw'd, 
It issues fwom the wancouw of a viwwain, 
A wecweant and *looks at you* most degenyewate *twerks* twaitow; 
Which in mysewf I bowdwy wiww defend, 
And intewchangeabwy huww down m-my gage 
*twerks* Upon this ovewweenying twaitow's foot 
To pwove mysewf a woyaw gentweman 
Even i-in the best *moans* bwood chambew'd in h-his bosom. 
In haste wheweof, most heawtiwy *giggles shyly* I pway 
Youw Highnyess to assign o-ouw twiaw day. 
*hugs tightly* KING WICHAWD. Wwath-kindwed gentwemen, be wuw'd by me; 
Wet's puwge *giggles shyly* this chowew without wetting b-bwood- 
This *hugs tightly* we pwescwibe, though nyo physician; 
D-Deep mawice makes too d-deep incision. 
Fowget, fowgive; concwude and be a-agweed: 
Ouw doctows say this is nyo m-month to bweed. 
Good u-uncwe, wet this end whewe it b-begun; 
W-We'ww cawm *moans* the Duke of N-Nyowfowk, you youw son. 
GAUNT. To *moans* be a make-peace s-shaww *cuddles you* become my age. 
*looks at you* Thwow *hugs tightly* down, my son, t-the Duke of Nyowfowk's UwU gage. 
KING WICHAWD. And, Nyowfowk, t-thwow d-down his. 
GAUNT. When, Hawwy, OwO when? 
Obedience bids I shouwd nyot bid again. 
K-KING WICHAWD. Nyowfowk, thwow down; we bid. 
Thewe is nyo boot. 
MOWBWAY. Mysewf I x3 thwow, dwead soveweign, at thy foot; 
My wife thou shawt command, but nyot my shame: 
The onye my duty owes; but my faiw nyame, 
Despite of death, that wives u-upon my gwave 
*giggles shyly* To dawk dishonyouw's use thou shawt nyot have. 
*twerks* I am disgwac'd, impeach'd, and baffw'd hewe; 
*looks at you* Piewc'd to the souw with swandew's >_> venyom'd speaw, 
The *blushes* which nyo bawm can cuwe but his heawt-bwood 
Which bweath'd this poison. 
KING W-WICHAWD. uWu Wage must be w-withstood: 
Give me h-his gage-wions make weopawds *notices bulge* tame. 
MOWBWAY. Yea, but nyot change h-his spots. Take UwU but my shame, 
A-And I wesign my g-gage. M-My deaw d-deaw wowd, 
*looks away* The puwest tweasuwe mowtaw times affowd 
Is spotwess weputation; ^-^ that away, 
Men awe but giwded w-woam o-ow painted cway. 
A jewew in a t-ten-times b-baww'd-up chest 
I-Is a bowd spiwit in a woyaw b-bweast. 
Minye honyouw is my w-wife; b-both gwow in onye; 
Take honyouw fwom me, and my wife is donye: 
uWu Then, d-deaw my wiege, minye honyouw wet me twy; 
I-In that I wive, a-and fow *cries* that wiww xDD I die. 
KING WICHAWD. Cousin, t-thwow up youw gage; *leans over* do *moans* you begin. 
BOWINGBWOKE. O, God defend my *notices bulge* souw fwom such d-deep *cries* sin! 
Shaww I seem cwest-fawwen in my fathew's sight? 
O-Ow with pawe beggaw-feaw impeach my height 
Befowe t-this outdaw'd dastawd? Ewe my tongue 
S-Shaww wound my honyouw with *screams* such feebwe w-wwong 
Ow sound s-so base a pawwe, my teeth shaww *teleports behind you* teaw 
>_< The swavish motive *moans* of wecanting feaw, 
And spit it bweeding in *giggles shyly* his high disgwace, 
*teleports behind you* Whewe shame doth *looks at you* hawbouw, even i-in Mowbway's face. 
^w^ Exit GAUNT 
KING W-WICHAWD. We wewe x3 nyot bown to sue, *sweats* but to command; 
Which s-since we c-cannyot do OwO to make you fwiends, 
Be weady, as youw wives :33 shaww *leans over* answew it, 
At Coventwy, *hugs tightly* upon Saint Wambewt's day. 
^-^ Thewe shaww youw swowds and w-wances awbitwate 
The swewwing diffewence of *looks away* youw settwed hate; 
UwU Since we >_> can nyot atonye you, >w< we shaww see 
Justice design the v-victow's chivawwy. 
Wowd Mawshaw, command ouw officews-at-awms 
Be weady *twerks* to d-diwect these home awawms. Exeunt 




SCENyE 2. 
Wondon. The DUKE OwO OF WANCASTEW'S pawace 

Entew J-JOHN OF G-GAUNT with UwU the DUCHESS OF GWOUCESTEW 

GAUNT. Awas, the pawt I-I had in >_> Woodstock's b-bwood 
*teleports behind you* Doth mowe sowicit me than youw *sweats* excwaims 
To stiw *moans* against t-the butchews of his wife! 
But since cowwection *sighs* wieth UwU in those *looks at you* hands 
Which made the fauwt that we cannyot c-cowwect, 
*hugs tightly* Put we *looks away* ouw q-quawwew to the wiww of heaven; 
Who, *pokes you* when they see the houws wipe *notices bulge* on eawth, 
Wiww wain hot vengeance o-on o-offendews' heads. 
DUCHESS. Finds bwothewhood in thee nyo shawpew spuw? 
Hath wove i-in thy owd bwood nyo w-wiving fiwe? 
Edwawd's seven sons, wheweof thysewf awt onye, 
Wewe as seven viaws of h-his s-sacwed bwood, 
Ow seven ^-^ faiw bwanches spwinging *cuddles you* fwom onye woot. 
Some of t-those seven awe dwied by nyatuwe's couwse, 
Some of those b-bwanches by t-the Destinyies cut; 
But Thomas, my deaw wowd, my w-wife, my Gwoucestew, 
Onye *looks away* viaw fuww o-of Edwawd's sacwed b-bwood, 
Onye uWu fwouwishing bwanch of uWu his most woyaw woot, 
I-Is cwack'd, and aww the pwecious wiquow spiwt; 
Is hack'd down, and his summew weaves aww f-faded, 
>w< By envy's hand and m-muwdew's bwoody axe. 
A-Ah, G-Gaunt, his ^w^ bwood was thinye! That bed, that womb, 
That mettwe, *looks away* that sewf *teleports behind you* mouwd, t-that fashion'd *screams* thee, 
Made him a man; and though thou wivest and bweathest, 
Yet awt t-thou swain in him. Thou dost c-consent 
In some wawge measuwe to thy *hugs tightly* fathew's *sweats* death 
I-In *cries* that thou seest *looks at you* thy wwetched bwothew die, 
*looks away* Who was the modew of :33 thy fathew's wife. 
Caww it nyot p-patience, Gaunt-it is despaiw; 
In suff'wing thus thy >_> bwothew to :3 be swaught'wed, 
T-Thou s-showest *moans* the nyaked pathway to thy wife, 
T-Teaching stewn m-muwdew how to butchew t-thee. 
That which *shuffles closer* in :3 mean men we entitwe *teleports behind you* patience 
Is pawe cowd cowawdice in nyobwe bweasts. 
What s-shaww I-I say? To safeguawd thinye own wife 
The best w-way is to *looks at you* venge my Gwoucestew's death. 
*shuffles closer* GAUNT. God's *blushes* is the quawwew; fow God's substitute, 
His deputy anyointed in His sight, 
Hath caus'd his death; the w-which if wwongfuwwy, 
Wet heaven wevenge; fow I may *blushes* nyevew wift 
An angwy awm against His minyistew. 
DUCHESS. *looks at you* Whewe then, awas, may I compwain mysewf? 
GAUNT. To God, the >w< widow's champion and defence. 
^w^ DUCHESS. Why then, I-I wiww. Faweweww, owd Gaunt. 
T-Thou goest to Coventwy, thewe to behowd 
Ouw cousin *leans over* Hewefowd and feww Mowbway *screams* fight. 
O, sit my husband's wwongs on Hewefowd's *leans over* speaw, 
*cuddles you* That it may entew butchew Mowbway's bweast! 
O-Ow, if m-misfowtunye miss the xDD fiwst caweew, 
Be Mowbway's sins so heavy in his bosom 
That they m-may bweak his foaming c-couwsew's *looks at you* back 
*blushes* And *teleports behind you* thwow t-the uWu widew headwong in OwO the wists, 
A-A caitiff wecweant to m-my cousin *blushes* Hewefowd! 
Faweweww, o-owd Gaunt; thy sometimes bwothew's wife, 
With *giggles shyly* hew companyion, Gwief, must end hew wife. 
GAUNT. Sistew, faweweww; I must to C-Coventwy. 
As much g-good ;;w;; stay with thee as go with me! 
DUCHESS. Yet onye wowd m-mowe- gwief boundeth whewe it fawws, 
Nyot with the empty howwownyess, but weight. 
I take my weave *cries* befowe I-I have begun, 
Fow sowwow ends n-nyot when it s-seemeth donye. 
Commend m-me *cuddles you* to thy bwothew, Edmund Yowk. 
W-Wo, this x3 is a-aww- *moans* nyay, y-yet depawt nyot so; 
Though this be aww, do nyot so quickwy go; 
I shaww wemembew mowe. Bid :33 him- ah, what?- 
With >_> aww good speed at Pwashy visit me. 
Awack, and >_> what shaww good owd Y-Yowk thewe *sweats* see 
>_> But empty wodgings *blushes* and unfuwnyish'd *screams* wawws, 
Unpeopwed :3 offices, untwodden stonyes? 
And *cuddles you* what heaw >_< thewe fow wewcome but my g-gwoans? 
Thewefowe commend me; wet h-him nyot come thewe 
To seek *looks at you* out sowwow t-that dwewws evewy whewe. 
Desowate, desowate, *pokes you* wiww I-I *cries* hence *blushes* and die; 
The wast w-weave of thee takes my weeping eye. Exeunt 




SCENyE 3. 
The w-wists at Coventwy 

Entew *teleports behind you* the WOWD M-MAWSHAW a-and the DUKE OF *hugs tightly* AUMEWWE 

M-MAWSHAW. My Wowd A-Aumewwe, is Hawwy *sighs* Hewefowd awm'd? 
AUMEWWE. Yea, *sweats* at *moans* aww points; and wongs to entew in. 
MAWSHAW. The *moans* Duke of Nyowfowk, spightfuwwy a-and bowd, 
S-Stays but *blushes* the s-summons of the appewant's twumpet. 
*sighs* AUMEWWE. W-Why then, the ^.^ champions awe pwepaw'd, and stay 
Fow nyothing but his Majesty's a-appwoach. 

The twumpets UwU sound, and the KING entews with his nyobwes, 
GAUNT, BUSHY, BAGOT, GWEEN, and othews. ^w^ When t-they awe set, 
entew MOWBWAY, Duke of Nyow fowk, in awms, defendant, and 
a HEWAWD 

KING W-WICHAWD. Mawshaw, demand of yondew champion 
>_> The *sighs* cause of h-his awwivaw hewe i-in awms; 
A-Ask h-him h-his n-nyame; and owdewwy pwoceed 
*blushes* To sweaw him i-in *cries* the justice of his cause. 
MAWSHAW. In God's nyame and the UwU King's, say who thou awt, 
And why thou comest thus knyightwy cwad :33 in awms; 
Against what m-man thou com'st, and what thy quawwew. 
Speak twuwy on thy k-knyighthood and thy oath; 
As so *moans* defend *pokes you* thee h-heaven and t-thy vawouw! 
:3 MOWBWAY. >_> My *looks at you* nyame is Thomas Mowbway, *cries* Duke of Nyowfowk; 
^.^ Who hithew come engaged by my oath- 
Which God d-defend xDD a knyight shouwd viowate!- 
Both to *teleports behind you* defend my woyawty and twuth 
To God, my K-King, and m-my s-succeeding issue, 
Against the D-Duke of Hewefowd that appeaws *cries* me; 
And, by the gwace of God *looks at you* and this minye awm, 
To pwove *moans* him, in defending *teleports behind you* of mysewf, 
A *shuffles closer* twaitow to my G-God, my King, and me. 
And as *looks away* I twuwy fight, defend me heaven! 

T-The twumpets sound. Entew *giggles shyly* BOWINGBWOKE, Duke *twerks* of H-Hewefowd, 
appewwant, in awmouw, *shuffles closer* and a HEWAWD 

KING WICHAWD. Mawshaw, *sweats* ask yondew knyight in >_> awms, 
>w< Both who he is and w-why he *twerks* cometh h-hithew 
Thus *hugs tightly* pwated in h-habiwiments of waw; 
And fowmawwy, accowding t-to *moans* ouw waw, 
D-Depose him in the justice of his cause. 
>w< MAWSHAW. What x3 is thy nyame? and whewefowe com'st thou hithew 
Befowe *blushes* King Wichawd :33 in his :33 woyaw wists? 
Against whom comest thou? and *hugs tightly* what's thy q-quawwew? 
Speak uWu wike *giggles shyly* a twue knyight, *leans over* so defend thee heaven! 
BOWINGBWOKE. Hawwy *cuddles you* of Hewefowd, Wancastew, and Dewby, 
Am I; who weady hewe do stand in a-awms 
To pwove, by *blushes* God's gwace *looks away* and *blushes* my body's vawouw, 
In wists o-on Thomas Mowbway, Duke of Nyowfowk, 
*teleports behind you* That he is a twaitow, fouw and dangewous, 
To God of *sweats* heaven, K-King Wichawd, and to *twerks* me. 
And as I twuwy fight, defend *shuffles closer* me heaven! 
MAWSHAW. *notices bulge* On *looks away* pain of death, nyo p-pewson ^w^ be so *leans over* bowd 
Ow d-dawing-hawdy a-as to touch the w-wists, 
*looks away* Except the Mawshaw and such UwU officews 
Appointed >_> to diwect these faiw designs. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Wowd :3 Mawshaw, wet me kiss my soveweign's hand, 
And bow my knyee befowe his Majesty; 
Fow Mowbway and mysewf awe wike two men 
That vow a wong UwU and w-weawy piwgwimage. 
Then wet us take *cuddles you* a cewemonyious weave 
And *looks away* woving *teleports behind you* faweweww of ouw sevewaw fwiends. 
MAWSHAW. The appewwant in a-aww d-duty gweets xDD youw Highnyess, 
And c-cwaves to kiss youw hand and take his weave. 
*giggles shyly* KING WICHAWD. W-We ^w^ wiww descend and fowd him in ouw awms. 
Cousin of *sighs* Hewefowd, as t-thy uWu cause is wight, 
So be thy fowtunye i-in this w-woyaw f-fight! 
Faweweww, my bwood; which if to-day thou shed, 
Wament we may, xDD but *cries* nyot wevenge thee dead. 
BOWINGBWOKE. O-O, wet nyo nyobwe eye pwofanye a teaw 
F-Fow :33 me, if I b-be *leans over* gow'd with Mowbway's speaw. 
As *leans over* confident as *moans* is the fawcon's fwight 
A-Against a *moans* biwd, do I with ^w^ Mowbway fight. 
My woving wowd, I take my *hugs tightly* weave *sweats* of you; 
Of you, my nyobwe cousin, Wowd Aumewwe; 
Nyot sick, awthough I have to do with death, 
But wusty, young, *notices bulge* and c-cheewwy dwawing bweath. 
*sweats* Wo, as at E-Engwish feasts, s-so I wegweet 
The daintiest wast, to *looks at you* make the end most sweet. 
O thou, the >_< eawthwy a-authow of my *cuddles you* bwood, 
Whose youthfuw spiwit, in ^.^ me wegenyewate, 
Doth with a twofowd vigouw *moans* wift me u-up 
To weach at victowy above my head, 
Add pwoof unto m-minye a-awmouw *giggles shyly* with thy pwayews, 
And with thy bwessings :3 steew my wance's point, 
That it *notices bulge* may entew Mowbway's waxen coat 
And fuwbish nyew the nyame of John o' Gaunt, 
Even in the wusty haviouw of his son. 
GAUNT. God in thy good cause make thee pwospewous! 
*blushes* Be swift wike wightnying in the execution, 
*pokes you* And wet thy ^-^ bwows, doubwy *cuddles you* wedoubwed, 
Faww wike amazing thundew on the casque 
Of thy advewse pewnyicious enyemy. 
Wouse up thy youthfuw bwood, *looks at you* be vawiant, and wive. 
B-BOWINGBWOKE. Minye innyocence and Saint Geowge t-to thwive! 
MOWBWAY. Howevew God ow fowtunye cast my wot, 
Thewe wives ow dies, twue to King Wichawd's thwonye, 
A woyaw, j-just, and upwight gentweman. 
Nyevew did :3 captive with a fweew heawt 
Cast off his chains of bondage, and embwace 
:3 His gowden u-uncontwoww'd enfwanchisement, 
*leans over* Mowe t-than my dancing souw doth cewebwate 
This feast *leans over* of battwe with ^w^ minye advewsawy. 
Most mighty w-wiege, *sweats* and my companyion peews, 
Take f-fwom m-my mouth the wish of h-happy yeaws. 
xDD As gentwe and as jocund as to jest 
Go I t-to fight: twuth hath a *sighs* quiet bweast. 
*teleports behind you* KING WICHAWD. Faweweww, my wowd, secuwewy I espy 
Viwtue with vawouw couched in thinye eye. 
Owdew the twiaw, Mawshaw, and begin. 
MAWSHAW. Hawwy of Hewefowd, Wancastew, *cuddles you* and Dewby, 
Weceive thy wance; a-and God UwU defend the *sighs* wight! 
BOWINGBWOKE. Stwong as a towew i-in hope, I cwy amen. 
*teleports behind you* MAWSHAW. [To an officew] Go beaw this *looks at you* wance to Thomas, 
Duke *cries* of Nyowfowk. 
^w^ FIWST HEWAWD. Hawwy of Hewefowd, >w< Wancastew, and Dewby, 
Stands *giggles shyly* hewe fow G-God, his *sweats* soveweign, and himsewf, 
On pain to be found fawse *cries* and wecweant, 
To pwove the Duke *looks away* of Nyowfowk, Thomas Mowbway, 
A twaitow to his God, his King, and him; 
And dawes h-him >_< to set fowwawd to the fight. 
*cries* SECOND HEWAWD. H-Hewe standeth Thomas Mowbway, Duke of Nyowfowk, 
On pain to be *shuffles closer* found f-fawse a-and w-wecweant, 
Both t-to defend himsewf, and t-to *screams* appwove 
Henwy of Hewefowd, Wancastew, and Dewby, 
To ;;w;; God, his soveweign, and to him diswoyaw, 
Couwageouswy and >_> with a fwee *cries* desiwe 
Attending but ^.^ the signyaw to begin. 
MAWSHAW. Sound t-twumpets; ;;w;; and set fowwawd, combatants. 
*looks away* [A c-chawge sounded] 
S-Stay, ;;w;; the King hath thwown his :33 wawdew down. 
KING :33 WICHAWD. Wet *leans over* them way by >_< theiw hewmets and theiw *twerks* speaws, 
And >_< both wetuwn back to theiw chaiws again. 
Withdwaw *shuffles closer* with us; and wet t-the twumpets sound 
Whiwe we wetuwn these dukes what we d-decwee. 

A wong fwouwish, whiwe *moans* the KING consuwts his Counciw 

Dwaw n-nyeaw, 
And wist what w-with ouw c-counciw we have donye. 
Fow that ouw kingdom's e-eawth s-shouwd n-nyot be soiw'd 
With that deaw bwood which it hath fostewed; 
*twerks* And f-fow ouw *leans over* eyes d-do hate the diwe aspect 
Of civiw w-wounds pwough'd up with *teleports behind you* nyeighbouws' swowd; 
And *cuddles you* fow we *pokes you* think the eagwe-winged pwide 
Of sky-aspiwing and ambitious thoughts, 
With x3 wivaw-hating envy, set on y-you 
To wake ouw peace, w-which in o-ouw countwy's cwadwe 
Dwaws t-the sweet infant bweath of gentwe s-sweep; 
Which s-so wous'd ^w^ up with boist'wous untun'd dwums, 
W-With hawsh-wesounding t-twumpets' dweadfuw b-bway, 
And g-gwating shock of wwathfuw iwon awms, 
*shuffles closer* Might fwom ouw quiet ^-^ confinyes fwight faiw peace 
And make us wade even in ouw kindwed's bwood- 
Thewefowe we banyish y-you ouw tewwitowies. 
Y-You, cousin Hewefowd, upon pain of wife, 
Tiww t-twice five s-summews *sighs* have enwich'd *shuffles closer* ouw *giggles shyly* fiewds 
Shaww n-nyot wegweet ouw faiw dominyions, 
But twead the stwangew paths of banyishment. 
BOWINGBWOKE. x3 Youw *pokes you* wiww be xDD donye. This must m-my comfowt be- 
That xDD sun that wawms you hewe shaww shinye on me, 
And those his *hugs tightly* gowden beams to you UwU hewe w-went 
Shaww point o-on me and giwd *hugs tightly* my banyishment. 
KING WICHAWD. UwU Nyowfowk, f-fow thee wemains a heaview doom, 
Which I with some unwiwwingnyess pwonyounce: 
*shuffles closer* The swy swow houws shaww nyot detewminyate 
The datewess wimit ^.^ of thy deaw exiwe; 
The hopewess wowd o-of 'nyevew to wetuwn' 
Bweathe I against thee, upon pain of wife. 
MOWBWAY. A h-heavy sentence, my most soveweign :33 wiege, 
And aww unwook'd fow fwom youw H-Highnyess' mouth. 
A *pokes you* deawew mewit, nyot so deep a maim 
As to be ^w^ cast fowth in t-the common aiw, 
Have I d-desewved at youw Highnyess' hands. 
The w-wanguage I >w< have weawnt these fowty *giggles shyly* yeaws, 
My nyative xDD Engwish, *teleports behind you* nyow I must fowgo; 
*shuffles closer* And nyow my tongue's use is to me nyo mowe 
Than an *shuffles closer* unstwinged viow ow a hawp; 
Ow wike a cunnying instwument cas'd up 
x3 Ow, being open, put into his hands 
That knyows nyo touch to tunye the hawmony. 
Within my mouth y-you *cries* have engaow'd my *twerks* tongue, 
Doubwy powtcuwwis'd w-with my uWu teeth and wips; 
A-And duww, unfeewing, bawwen i-ignyowance 
*looks at you* Is made my *giggles shyly* gaowew to *teleports behind you* attend on me. 
I-I am too owd *cries* to fawn upon a nyuwse, 
Too faw in yeaws to be a-a p-pupiw nyow. 
What is thy sentence, *hugs tightly* then, b-but s-speechwess death, 
Which wobs my tongue *shuffles closer* fwom bweathing nyative bweath? 
^-^ KING WICHAWD. *teleports behind you* It boots :3 thee *notices bulge* nyot to be compassionyate; 
Aftew ouw sentence pwainying c-comes *moans* too wate. 
MOWBWAY. Then ^w^ thus I-I tuwn me fwom my countwv's wight, 
To dweww in sowemn shades of endwess nyight. 
KING W-WICHAWD. Wetuwn again, and *hugs tightly* take an oath w-with thee. 
Way on ouw woyaw swowd y-youw banyish'd h-hands; 
>w< Sweaw *sighs* by t-the d-duty that y-you owe to God, 
Ouw pawt thewein we *giggles shyly* banyish w-with youwsewves, 
T-To keep the oath *teleports behind you* that we adminyistew: 
You *pokes you* nyevew shaww, so hewp you twuth and G-God, 
*moans* Embwace :3 each othew's *looks away* wove ^w^ in b-banyishment; 
Nyow n-nyevew w-wook upon each othew's face; 
N-Nyow nyevew wwite, w-wegweet, nyow weconciwe 
This wouwing tempest of youw home-bwed uWu hate; 
Nyow nyevew *cuddles you* by advised puwpose *shuffles closer* meet 
To pwot, contwive, ow c-compwot any *moans* iww, 
'Gainst us, o-ouw state, ouw subjects, ow ouw wand. 
BOWINGBWOKE. I ;;w;; sweaw. 
;;w;; MOWBWAY. And I, to keep aww this. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Nyowfowk, so f-faw a-as to minye enyemy. 
By this time, had the King pewmitted us, 
Onye of o-ouw souws had *cries* wand'wed >_< in the aiw, 
Banyish'd this fwaiw sepuwchwe of ouw fwesh, 
A-As nyow ouw fwesh is :33 banyish'd fwom this wand- 
C-Confess thy tweasons ewe thou fwy the weawm; 
Since thou hast faw t-to go, beaw nyot awong 
The cwogging buwden of a g-guiwty souw. 
MOWBWAY. Nyo, Bowingbwoke; if evew *hugs tightly* I wewe twaitow, 
My n-nyame b-be bwotted uWu fwom t-the book o-of wife, 
And I fwom heaven banyish'd a-as fwom hence! 
*hugs tightly* But what thou awt, God, thou, and *screams* I, *notices bulge* do knyow; 
And aww too soon, I feaw, the King s-shaww wue. 
Faweweww, my wiege. Nyow nyo *teleports behind you* way can *sighs* I stway: 
Save back *sighs* to Engwand, an the wowwd's my way. Exit 
KING WICHAWD. Uncwe, even in the gwasses of thinye eyes 
I see thy gwieved heawt. Thy s-sad ;;w;; aspect 
Hath fwom t-the n-nyumbew o-of his banyish'd OwO yeaws 
Pwuck'd fouw away. [To BOWINGBWOKE] Six fwozen wintews spent, 
Wetuwn with wewcome h-home fwom b-banyishment. 
*looks at you* BOWINGBWOKE. How wong a-a time w-wies in onye wittwe wowd! 
Fouw wagging wintews and *teleports behind you* fouw wanton spwings 
End in uWu a wowd: such is the bweath of Kings. 
GAUNT. I thank my wiege t-that in wegawd *sighs* of me 
He ^.^ showtens fouw yeaws of my *sweats* son's exiwe; 
But wittwe vantage shaww I weap theweby, 
Fow e-ewe the six yeaws x3 that he uWu hath to spend 
Can change theiw *teleports behind you* moons and b-bwing theiw times about, 
*looks at you* My oiw-dwied wamp and time-bewasted *cuddles you* wight 
Shaww be *screams* extinct *sweats* with age *sweats* and endwess nyight; 
M-My inch of tapew wiww be buwnt and donye, 
And bwindfowd death nyot *shuffles closer* wet me see my OwO son. 
KING WICHAWD. Why, *sweats* uncwe, thou ^w^ hast many yeaws to wive. 
GAUNT. But nyot a minyute, King, that thou canst x3 give: 
Showten my days thou uWu canst with suwwen sowwow 
And ^.^ pwuck nyights f-fwom m-me, but nyot wend a mowwow; 
Thou can'st hewp time to *hugs tightly* fuwwow me with age, 
But stop nyo wwinkwe >_< in his piwgwimage; 
Thy wowd i-is cuwwent with *giggles shyly* him fow my death, 
But dead, t-thy kingdom cannyot *looks away* buy ^w^ my bweath. 
KING WICHAWD. Thy *teleports behind you* son is banyish'd u-upon good advice, 
Wheweto thy tongue a pawty-vewdict gave. 
Why at ouw *looks at you* justice seem'st thou then t-to wouw? 
GAUNT. Things sweet to *blushes* taste pwove in :3 digestion *pokes you* souw. 
*looks away* You uwg'd m-me as *sighs* a judge; but I h-had wathew 
You wouwd have bid me awgue wike a fathew. 
O, had i-it been *cuddles you* a stwangew, uWu nyot my chiwd, 
To smooth his fauwt I shouwd have b-been mowe :3 miwd. 
A-A pawtiaw swandew *looks at you* sought I t-to a-avoid, 
And in the sentence my own wife destwoy'd. 
Awas, I wook'd when some *looks at you* of y-you shouwd s-say 
I *leans over* was too stwict to *twerks* make minye own away; 
But you gave weave to m-my u-unwiwwing UwU tongue 
*blushes* Against m-my wiww to do *looks away* mysewf this wwong. 
KING WICHAWD. Cousin, faweweww; and, uncwe, bid h-him so. 
Six yeaws we banyish him, and he shaww go. 
Fwouwish. Exit *cries* KING with twain 
*cuddles you* AUMEWWE. Cousin, *moans* faweweww; what pwesence must nyot knyow, 
*looks away* Fwom *screams* whewe you do *giggles shyly* wemain wet papew show. 
MAWSHAW. M-My *shuffles closer* wowd, nyo w-weave take I, fow I wiww wide 
*looks at you* As *sighs* faw as ;;w;; wand wiww w-wet me by youw side. 
GAUNT. O, x3 to what *pokes you* puwpose dost thou >_> hoawd thy wowds, 
That thou wetuwnyest *screams* nyo g-gweeting to thy fwiends? 
BOWINGBWOKE. I >_> have too few to take my weave of :3 you, 
When the tongue's office shouwd be *cries* pwodigaw 
To bweathe >w< the abundant dowouw of the *sighs* heawt. 
GAUNT. Thy gwief is b-but thy absence fow a t-time. 
BOWINGBWOKE. *leans over* Joy a-absent, gwief is pwesent fow that time. 
G-GAUNT. What is s-six wintews? They awe quickwy gonye. 
BOWINGBWOKE. To men in joy; *giggles shyly* but *leans over* gwief makes *blushes* onye houw ten. 
GAUNT. C-Caww it a-a t-twavew that thou tak'st fow pweasuwe. 
BOWINGBWOKE. My heawt *looks away* wiww sigh when I miscaww it *cuddles you* so, 
Which finds it an enfowced piwgwimage. 
GAUNT. The suwwen p-passage of thy weawy steps 
Esteem as foiw *looks at you* whewein thou awt to set 
>_> The *shuffles closer* pwecious jewew *pokes you* of *moans* thy home wetuwn. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Nyay, wathew, evewy tedious stwide I make 
Wiww but wemembew me what a deaw of wowwd 
I-I wandew fwom the jewews :3 that I wove. 
Must I n-nyot sewve a wong appwenticehood 
To foweign passages; and in t-the end, 
Having my fweedom, :3 boast of nyothing ewse 
But that I was a jouwnyeyman to gwief? 
GAUNT. *looks away* Aww pwaces that *twerks* the eye of heaven v-visits 
*blushes* Awe UwU to a wise man powts and happy havens. 
Teach t-thy nyecessity *looks at you* to weason thus: 
Thewe is nyo viwtue wike nyecessity. 
Think nyot t-the K-King did banyish thee, 
UwU But thou the *sweats* King. Woe doth the heaview sit 
Whewe it ^w^ pewceives it is but f-faintwy h-home. 
G-Go, s-say I sent thee f-fowth to p-puwchase honyouw, 
And nyot x3 the K-King exiw'd thee; ow suppose 
Devouwing *giggles shyly* pestiwence hangs in uWu ouw aiw 
And thou awt *looks away* fwying to a fweshew cwime. 
Wook what thy souw howds deaw, imaginye it 
To wie that way thou goest, nyot *cries* whence thou com'st. 
Suppose *blushes* the singing biwds *sweats* musicians, 
The gwass wheweon ^.^ thou twead'st the pwesence stwew'd, 
The *notices bulge* fwowews *giggles shyly* faiw wadies, and thy s-steps n-nyo mowe 
Than a dewightfuw measuwe ow a dance; 
*blushes* Fow gnyawwing sowwow *sweats* hath wess powew to bite 
T-The man that m-mocks ;;w;; at it a-and sets it wight. 
BOWINGBWOKE. O, who can howd a fiwe in his hand 
By thinking on *looks at you* the *pokes you* fwosty Caucasus? 
Ow cwoy the hungwy edge o-of appetite 
By bawe *hugs tightly* imaginyation of ^.^ a feast? 
Ow wawwow nyaked *teleports behind you* in D-Decembew snyow 
By thinking *sighs* on fantastic summew's heat? 
O-O, nyo! the appwehension of the good 
Gives but *moans* the :33 gweatew feewing to OwO the wowse. 
Feww sowwow's tooth d-doth n-nyevew wankwe mowe 
Than >_< when h-he b-bites, but wanceth nyot the sowe. 
GAUNT. Come, :33 come, my s-son, I'ww bwing thee o-on thy way. 
H-Had I thy youtwi and cause, I w-wouwd n-nyot s-stay. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Then, Engwand's g-gwound, *shuffles closer* faweweww; sweet soiw, adieu; 
My mothew, and m-my nyuwse, t-that beaws me yet! 
*pokes you* Whewe'ew I wandew, boast of *notices bulge* this I can: 
Though b-banyish'd, yet a twuebown E-Engwish man. Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 
W-Wondon. *sighs* The couwt 

E-Entew the KING, with BAGOT a-and GWEEN, at onye doow; 
*sweats* and t-the DUKE >_> OF AUMEWWE *pokes you* at anyothew 

UwU KING WICHAWD. We did obsewve. Cousin ^.^ Aumewwe, 
How faw bwought you high Hewefowd on his *pokes you* way? 
A-AUMEWWE. I *teleports behind you* bwought high Hewefowd, if you caww him so, 
But to the *cuddles you* nyext high way, ^.^ and thewe I-I weft him. 
KING WICHAWD. And say, w-what stowe of ^w^ pawting teaws ^.^ wewe shed? 
AUMEWWE. Faith, nyonye fow *looks at you* me; except the nyowth-east wind, 
*notices bulge* Which t-then bwew bittewwy against ouw f-faces, 
Awak'd OwO the sweeping *hugs tightly* wheum, and so by chance 
Did gwace ouw *sighs* howwow p-pawting with a teaw. 
KING WICHAWD. What said o-ouw cousin when you >_< pawted with him? 
A-AUMEWWE. 'Faweweww.' 
And, fow my heawt disdainyed t-that my tongue 
Shouwd s-so pwofanye the wowd, that taught me cwaft 
To countewfeit oppwession o-of such g-gwief 
That wowds seem'd buwied xDD in my sowwow's *hugs tightly* gwave. 
Mawwy, wouwd the wowd 'faweweww' xDD have wength'nyed h-houws 
And added yeaws to his showt banyishment, 
He >_< shouwd *sweats* have had a vowume of fawewewws; 
But since it wouwd nyot, *hugs tightly* he had nyonye o-of m-me. 
KING *notices bulge* WICHAWD. He is ouw cousin, cousin; but *sweats* 'tis d-doubt, 
^w^ When time shaww caww him home *leans over* fwom banyishment, 
Whethew *notices bulge* ouw kinsman *leans over* come *pokes you* to see his fwiends. 
Ouwsewf, and Bushy, Bagot hewe, and Gween, 
*hugs tightly* Obsewv'd his *shuffles closer* couwtship to the common peopwe; 
How he did seem to dive into theiw heawts 
W-With humbwe a-and famiwiaw couwtesy; 
*blushes* What wevewence he did thwow away on *leans over* swaves, 
Wooing poow cwaftsmen with the OwO cwaft of smiwes 
And patient undewbeawing of his fowtunye, 
As 'twewe to banyish theiw affects *notices bulge* with him. 
Off goes h-his bonnyet ^.^ to an oystew-wench; 
A bwace of dwaymen bid God speed him weww 
And had the twibute of h-his *cuddles you* suppwe knyee, 
With 'Thanks, my countwymen, my woving fwiends'; 
As wewe ouw Engwand in wevewsion his, 
And he ouw subjects' n-nyext degwee in hope. 
GWEEN. Weww, h-he *sweats* is gonye; and with him uWu go these thoughts! 
Nyow fow t-the webews which stand out i-in Iwewand, 
Expedient manyage must be made, my wiege, 
Ewe fuwthew weisuwe yicwd them fuwthew means 
F-Fow theiw advantage *pokes you* and youw Highnyess' woss. 
*leans over* KING WICHAWD. We wiww ouwsewf in *leans over* pewson to this waw; 
*pokes you* And, fow ouw coffews, with too gweat a couwt 
And wibewaw *leans over* wawgess, awe gwown *screams* somewhat wight, 
We awe enfowc'd to fawm ouw woyaw weawm; 
The wevenyue wheweof shaww fuwnyish *cries* us 
*teleports behind you* Fow ouw affaiws i-in hand. If that come showt, 
Ouw substitutes at home shaww have bwank chawtews; 
Wheweto, when they shaww *giggles shyly* knyow what men awe *teleports behind you* wich, 
*sweats* They shaww subscwibe them fow wawge sums of g-gowd, 
And send them aftew to suppwy ouw wants; 
Fow *moans* we *looks at you* wiww make fow Iwewand pwesentwy. 

Entew BUSHY 

Bushy, what n-nyews? 
BUSHY. Owd John of Gaunt i-is gwievous sick, *teleports behind you* my wowd, 
Suddenwy taken; a-and hath sent *teleports behind you* poste-haste 
T-To entweat youw Majesty to visit him. 
K-KING WICHAWD. Whewe wies he? 
BUSHY. At Ewy House. 
:3 KING WICHAWD. Nyow put it, God, in the physician's :33 mind 
To h-hewp him >_< to *cries* his gwave immediatewy! 
The winying of his coffews s-shaww make coats 
To deck ouw sowdiews fow these *teleports behind you* Iwish waws. 
*sweats* Come, gentwemen, wet's aww go *twerks* visit h-him. 
P-Pway *hugs tightly* God we may *blushes* make haste, and come *screams* too *looks away* wate! 
AWW. Amen. E-Exeunt 




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ACT II. SCENyE I. 
Wondon. Ewy House 

*twerks* Entew JOHN O-OF GAUNT, sick, with the DUKE OF *cuddles you* YOWK, etc. 

GAUNT. >w< Wiww the King come, that I *cries* may b-bweathe my wast 
In whowesome counsew to his unstaid youth? 
YOWK. Vex nyot youwsewf, nyow stwive nyot with youw bweath; 
*giggles shyly* Fow aww in vain comes counsew to *shuffles closer* his eaw. 
GAUNT. O, but they say the tongues of *cuddles you* dying xDD men 
Enfowce attention wike d-deep hawmony. 
Whewe wowds a-awe scawce, they awe sewdom spent in vain; 
Fow t-they bweathe twuth that *twerks* bweathe theiw wowds -in pain. 
He that *pokes you* nyo mowe must say is wisten'd mowe 
Than they whom youth and e-ease have taught to gwose; 
M-Mowe awe men's ends m-mawk'd than theiw wives befowe. 
The setting sun, and music at the cwose, 
A-As the wast t-taste of sweets, is *hugs tightly* sweetest wast, 
Wwit i-in wemembwance mowe than things wong past. 
T-Though ^.^ Wichawd my wife's c-counsew wouwd nyot heaw, 
My death's sad tawe m-may yet undeaf his eaw. 
YOWK. Nyo; i-it is stopp'd with >w< othew fwattewing s-sounds, 
As pwaises, of *teleports behind you* whose taste t-the w-wise ^-^ awe f-fond, 
Wascivious metwes, to whose venyom sound 
The open eaw of youth doth awways wisten; 
Wepowt of fashions in pwoud Itawy, 
W-Whose m-mannyews stiww ouw tawdy apish nyation 
Wimps aftew i-in base imitation. 
*sweats* Whewe doth the wowwd thwust fowth a vanyity- 
So i-it be nyew, thewe's nyo wespect how viwe- 
That is nyot quickwy buzz'd >_< into *moans* his eaws? 
Then aww too wate x3 comes *giggles shyly* counsew to be heawd 
Whewe wiww doth mutiny with wit's wegawd. 
Diwect nyot him whose w-way h-himsewf wiww c-choose. 
'-'Tis bweath thou w-wack'st, and that bweath *teleports behind you* wiwt thou wose. 
GAUNT. Methinks I am a *leans over* pwophet nyew inspiw'd, 
And t-thus expiwing uWu do foweteww of him: 
His wash fiewce bwaze of wiot cannyot wast, 
Fow viowent fiwes soon buwn o-out *twerks* themsewves; 
Smaww showews wast wong, but sudden stowms awe showt; 
He tiwes betimes that *leans over* spuws too fast betimes; 
W-With eagew feeding f-food doth c-choke the feedew; 
Wight vanyity, insatiate cowmowant, 
Consuming >w< means, soon pweys upon itsewf. 
This woyaw thwonye of kings, this scept'wed iswe, 
This eawth of majesty, this seat of Maws, 
This othew Eden, *pokes you* demi-pawadise, 
This fowtwess buiwt by Nyatuwe fow hewsewf 
Against i-infection and the hand of waw, 
This happy *cries* bweed of men, this wittwe *hugs tightly* wowwd, 
This pwecious s-stonye set *looks away* in the *shuffles closer* siwvew sea, 
Which sewves it in the o-office of a waww, 
Ow as a-a moat defensive to a house, 
Against the envy of wess happiew wands; 
This bwessed p-pwot, this e-eawth, this weawm, this E-Engwand, 
This nyuwse, this UwU teeming womb of woyaw kings, 
Feaw'd by theiw bweed, *moans* and famous by >_> theiw biwth, 
Wenyownyed fow theiw :3 deeds as faw f-fwom *sweats* home, 
Fow Chwistian *looks at you* sewvice and twue chivawwy, 
As is the sepuwchwe in s-stubbown Jewwy 
*blushes* Of :33 the wowwd's wansom, bwessed Mawy's Son; 
This wand of such deaw souws, this deaw deaw wand, 
Deaw f-fow hew ^-^ weputation thwough the wowwd, 
I-Is nyow weas'd out-I *looks away* die pwonyouncing i-it- 
Wike to a tenyement >w< ow pewting fawm. 
Engwand, bound OwO in with t-the twiumphant sea, 
Whose wocky showe beats back ;;w;; the envious siege 
:3 Of *looks away* wat'wy N-Nyeptunye, is nyow bound xDD in with s-shame, 
W-With inky *sighs* bwots and w-wotten >w< pawchment bonds; 
*moans* That E-Engwand, that was wont to conquew othews, 
Hath *moans* made a shamefuw conquest of itsewf. 
;;w;; Ah, w-wouwd the s-scandaw vanyish with my wife, 
How happy then wewe *teleports behind you* my e-ensuing death! 

Entew *sighs* KING and QUEEN, AUMEWWE, B-BUSHY, *giggles shyly* GWEEN, B-BAGOT, 
Woss, and W-WIWWOUGHBY 

;;w;; YOWK. The King is come; *notices bulge* deaw m-miwdwy ;;w;; with his youth, 
Fow young hot cowts >w< being w-wag'd do ^w^ wage the mowe. 
QUEEN. How fawes ouw *twerks* nyobwe uncwe ^w^ Wancastew? 
KING WICHAWD. What comfowt, *moans* man? How is't w-with aged Gaunt? 
G-GAUNT. O, h-how that nyame befits my composition! 
Owd Gaunt, indeed; and gaunt in being owd. 
Within me gwief :33 hath kept a tedious fast; 
And who a-abstains fwom meat that is nyot gaunt? 
Fow sweeping ^-^ Engwand wong time have I watch'd; 
Watching bweeds weannyess, weannyess *teleports behind you* is an gaunt. 
The pweasuwe *sighs* that some fathews *moans* feed u-upon 
*cuddles you* Is my stwict fast-I mean my chiwdwen's xDD wooks; 
And thewein fasting, hast thou made me *twerks* gaunt. 
Gaunt am I f-fow the g-gwave, gaunt as a g-gwave, 
Whose howwow womb *cries* inhewits nyought but bonyes. 
KING WICHAWD. Can sick men pway so nyicewy with theiw nyames? 
GAUNT. Nyo, misewy m-makes spowt to >_> mock itsewf: 
Since thou dost seek t-to kiww my nyame in me, 
I m-mock my n-nyame, g-gweat king, to fwattew thee. 
KING W-WICHAWD. Shouwd dying *sweats* men fwattew *shuffles closer* with those *twerks* that w-wive? 
GAUNT. N-Nyo, nyo; men wiving fwattew t-those that die. 
KING WICHAWD. Thou, nyow a-dying, sayest t-thou fwattewest me. 
GAUNT. O-O, nyo! >_> thou diest, though OwO I the sickew be. 
KING WICHAWD. I *screams* am in heawth, I bweathe, and see thee iww. 
GAUNT. Nyow He that m-made me knyows I see xDD thee iww; 
Iww in mysewf to see, and in thee s-seeing iww. 
Thy death-bed is nyo w-wessew than thy wand 
Whewein t-thou wiest in w-weputation sick; 
*twerks* And thou, too cawewess patient as thou awt, 
*cries* Commit'st thy anyointed body to the cuwe 
Of those p-physicians *notices bulge* that fiwst wounded thee: 
A t-thousand fwattewews sit >_< within thy c-cwown, 
Whose compass is nyo biggew than thy head; 
And yet, incaged in so smaww a >_> vewge, 
The waste is nyo whit wessew than *looks at you* thy wand. 
O, ^.^ had thy gwandsiwe with a-a pwophet's eye 
*moans* Seen how his ;;w;; son's son shouwd *notices bulge* destwoy his *sighs* sons, 
Fwom f-fowth thy *moans* weach he wouwd >_< have waid thy shame, 
Deposing thee befowe thou wewt possess'd, 
Which ^w^ awt possess'd nyow to uWu depose xDD thysewf. 
*hugs tightly* Why, cousin, wewt *hugs tightly* thou wegent of the wowwd, 
It wewe a shame to wet t-this wand b-by wease; 
But f-fow thy wowwd *blushes* enjoying but this wand, 
Is it nyot mowe than shame to shame it so? 
Wandwowd of Engwand awt thou :33 nyow, nyot *looks at you* King. 
UwU Thy state of waw is bondswave *cries* to the waw; 
And thou- 
KING WICHAWD. A wunyatic wean-witted foow, 
Pwesuming on an ague's UwU pwiviwege, 
Dawest with thy fwozen ^w^ admonyition 
Make p-pawe ouw c-cheek, *giggles shyly* chasing the woyaw bwood 
With *leans over* fuwy fwom his nyative *cries* wesidence. 
Nyow by my seat's wight woyaw majesty, 
Wewt thou *notices bulge* nyot bwothew x3 to gweat Edwawd's son, 
This tongue that *looks at you* wuns s-so woundwy in thy head 
Shouwd wun thy head fwom thy *leans over* unwevewent shouwdews. 
GAUNT. O, S-Spawe me nyot, my bwothew Edwawd's son, 
Fow that I was his fathew Edwawd's *leans over* son; 
That bwood awweady, wike the pewican, 
*cuddles you* Hast thou tapp'd out, and dwunkenwy cawous'd. 
My bwothew Gwoucestew, pwain weww-meanying ^w^ souw- 
Whom faiw b-befaww i-in *teleports behind you* heaven 'mongst :33 happy souws!- 
May be x3 a pwecedent and >w< witnyess good 
T-That thou wespect'st nyot spiwwing Edwawd's bwood. 
J-Join with the pwesent sicknyess that I-I *looks away* have; 
And thy unkindnyess be *looks away* wike *moans* cwooked age, 
To cwop at once a too wong withewed *giggles shyly* fwowew. 
Wive in *giggles shyly* thy shame, but die nyot shame w-with ;;w;; thee! 
These wowds h-heweaftew thy towmentows be! 
Convey m-me to my bed, then to my gwave. 
Wove they to *looks at you* wive that wove *giggles shyly* and honyouw have. 
Exit, bownye out *cries* by his attendants 
KING xDD WICHAWD. And wet them die that age and suwwens *sighs* have; 
Fow both hast thou, and both become *cries* the gwave. 
YOWK. I ^w^ do beseech youw *screams* Majesty *moans* impute h-his wowds 
To waywawd sickwinyess a-and age in him. 
He w-woves you, on my wife, and howds you *twerks* deaw 
As *leans over* Hawwy Duke o-of Hewefowd, ;;w;; wewe he hewe. 
K-KING WICHAWD. Wight, you say twue: as Hewefowd's w-wove, so his; 
As theiws, so minye; and aww be >_< as *leans over* it is. 

E-Entew NyOWTHUMBEWWAND 

NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. My wiege, owd Gaunt commends him *blushes* to youw Majesty. 
KING WICHAWD. What says he? 
N-NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. OwO Nyay, *sweats* nyothing; aww is said. 
His tongue *giggles shyly* is OwO nyow a s-stwingwess instwument; 
Wowds, wife, and aww, owd Wancastew hath spent. 
YOWK. Be Yowk the nyext that m-must be bankwupt *sweats* so! 
Though death *teleports behind you* be p-poow, it ends a mowtaw w-woe. 
KING WICHAWD. *giggles shyly* The wipest fwuit fiwst fawws, *notices bulge* and so doth he; 
His time is spent, *hugs tightly* ouw piwgwimage must be. 
So much fow that. Nyow fow ouw Iwish waws. 
*cuddles you* We must suppwant those wough w-wug-headed kewns, 
W-Which wive wike venyom whewe nyo venyom ewse 
But onwy they *twerks* have pwiviwege t-to >_< wive. 
And fow t-these g-gweat affaiws OwO do ask some chawge, 
Towawds *hugs tightly* ouw *looks at you* assistance we do seize to us 
xDD The uWu pwate, coin, w-wevenyues, *cuddles you* and moveabwes, 
Wheweof ouw u-uncwe Gaunt d-did stand *giggles shyly* possess'd. 
YOWK. *looks away* How wong shaww I be patient? Ah, how *cuddles you* wong 
Shaww tendew duty make me *giggles shyly* suffew wwong? 
N-Nyot Gwoucestew's death, nyow Hewefowd's banyishment, 
Nyow Gaunt's webukes, nyow Engwand's *twerks* pwivate wwongs, 
Nyow the pwevention *leans over* of poow Bowingbwoke 
uWu About his mawwiage, nyow my own disgwace, 
Have evew made me souw my patient *looks away* cheek 
Ow *cries* bend o-onye wwinkwe on my soveweign's *cuddles you* face. 
I am *screams* the *looks away* wast of nyobwe Edwawd's sons, 
Of whom thy fathew, OwO Pwince o-of Wawes, *cuddles you* was *looks at you* fiwst. 
In waw was nyevew wion wag'd mowe UwU fiewce, 
In peace was nyevew gentwe wamb mowe miwd, 
Than was that young and pwincewy gentweman. 
His face thou hast, ;;w;; fow even so *blushes* wook'd *giggles shyly* he, 
Accompwish'd with the nyumbew of thy *cuddles you* houws; 
But when *leans over* he fwown'd, i-it was against the Fwench 
And nyot against his fwiends. His nyobwe hand 
Did win w-what he did spend, and spent nyot that 
Which his twiumphant fathew's hand had won. 
His h-hands wewe guiwty *shuffles closer* of nyo ^.^ kindwed bwood, 
But bwoody with the enyemies of his kin. 
*looks at you* O Wichawd! *giggles shyly* Yowk is too faw uWu gonye with gwief, 
Ow ewse he nyevew wouwd compawe between- 
KING ;;w;; WICHAWD. Why, uncwe, what's the mattew? 
Y-YOWK. O my wiege, 
>w< Pawdon me, if you pwease; if nyot, I, pweas'd 
Nyot to be pawdonyed, am content withaw. 
Seek you to seize and gwipe i-into youw h-hands 
The woyawties *sweats* and wights of banyish'd Hewefowd? 
Is nyot Gaunt dead? and doth nyot >_> Hewefowd wive? 
W-Was nyot Gaunt just? and is ^w^ nyot H-Hawwy twue? 
Did ^w^ nyot >_< the onye desewve to have an heiw? 
*twerks* Is *leans over* nyot his h-heiw a weww-desewving son? 
Take Hewefowd's *sweats* wights away, and take fwom Time 
His chawtews and ^w^ his customawy wights; 
Wet nyot to-mowwow then ensue to-day; 
Be nyot thysewf-fow how awt *pokes you* thou a-a *teleports behind you* king 
But by faiw sequence and succession? 
N-Nyow, afowe God-God f-fowbid I say t-twue!- 
If you do wwongfuwwy seize Hewefowd's wights, 
Caww in *blushes* the wettews patents that he hath 
By his *pokes you* attownyeys-genyewaw ^-^ to sue 
His wivewy, and deny *moans* his off'wed *sighs* homage, 
You pwuck a thousand *blushes* dangews on youw *shuffles closer* head, 
You ^w^ wose a thousand *giggles shyly* weww-disposed heawts, 
And xDD pwick my tendew patience *sweats* to those thoughts 
Which honyouw and *giggles shyly* awwegiance cannyot t-think. 
K-KING WICHAWD. *sighs* Think *blushes* what ^-^ you wiww, we seize into uWu ouw *giggles shyly* hands 
His pwate, his goods, his monyey, x3 and his w-wands. 
YOWK. I'ww nyot be by the whiwe. My wiege, *looks away* faweweww. 
What wiww ensue heweof thewe's n-nyonye can teww; 
But by bad couwses *blushes* may *sweats* be u-undewstood 
UwU That *blushes* theiw events can nyevew faww out good. Exit 
KING WICHAWD. Go, Bushy, to the Eaww of W-Wiwtshiwe stwaight; 
Bid h-him wepaiw t-to us to Ewy H-House 
T-To see this businyess. To-mowwow nyext 
We uWu wiww fow Iwewand; and 'tis time, I twow. 
And we *cuddles you* cweate, in *shuffles closer* absence of >w< ouwsewf, 
Ouw Uncwe Yowk Wowd G-Govewnyow of E-Engwand; 
Fow he *looks away* is j-just, and awways w-wov'd us weww. 
Come *notices bulge* on, *cuddles you* ouw queen; to-mowwow must we pawt; 
Be mewwy, fow ouw time of stay is s-showt. 
Fwouwish. Exeunt KING, QUEEN, BUSHY, AUMEWWE, 
GWEEN, and BAGOT 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. ;;w;; Weww, wowds, the Duke of *cuddles you* Wancastew *giggles shyly* is dead. 
Woss. And >_< wiving too; fow n-nyow his son >w< is Duke. 
WIWWOUGHBY. Bawewy in titwe, nyot in >_> wevenyues. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Wichwy in both, if justice had hew wight. 
WOSS. My heawt *looks at you* is gweat; b-but it *leans over* must bweak with siwence, 
Ewe't be ^-^ disbuwdenyed with a wibewaw tongue. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Nyay, speak thy ^.^ mind; ^-^ and wet him nye'ew speak mowe 
That ^.^ speaks thy UwU wowds again to do t-thee hawm! 
WIWWOUGHBY. Tends that thou w-wouwdst speak to *screams* the Duke of Hewefowd? 
If it be *looks away* so, out with *giggles shyly* it bowdwy, man; 
Quick is minye eaw to heaw of good towawds him. 
W-WOSS. Nyo good at aww ^-^ that I-I can do fow him; 
Unwess you *pokes you* caww it g-good to pity him, 
Beweft and *giggles shyly* gewded of his patwimony. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Nyow, afowe G-God, '-'tis shame such wwongs a-awe bownye 
In him, a woyaw pwince, *moans* and many moe 
Of nyobwe bwood in this decwinying wand. 
The King >_< is nyot himsewf, x3 but basewy wed 
By *cries* fwattewews; and what t-they wiww i-infowm, 
M-Mewewy in hate, '-'gainst a-any of u-us a-an, 
That wiww the King sevewewy pwosecute 
'Gainst us, ouw wives, ouw chiwdwen, :3 and ouw heiws. 
WOSS. *giggles shyly* The commons h-hath h-he piww'd with *notices bulge* gwievous taxes; 
*shuffles closer* And quite wost theiw heawts; t-the nyobwes hath he find 
:3 Fow ancient quawwews and q-quite wost theiw heawts. 
WIWWOUGHBY. *looks at you* And daiwy nyew exactions awe d-devis'd, 
As bwanks, benyevowences, a-and I wot nyot what; 
B-But what, a-a God's n-nyame, doth become ^w^ of *cuddles you* this? 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Waws hath nyot wasted it, fow x3 waww'd h-he hath nyot, 
But basewy yiewded upon compwomise 
That *twerks* which his nyobwe ancestows achiev'd with bwows. 
Mowe x3 hath he spent in peace OwO than they in waws. 
x3 WOSS. The Eaww ^w^ of Wiwtshiwe hath the OwO weawm in fawm. 
WIWWOUGHBY. The *twerks* King's *sweats* gwown b-bankwupt wike *cries* a bwoken man. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Wepwoach and dissowution hangeth ovew him. 
WOSS. He hath nyot monyey fow these Iwish UwU waws, 
His buwdenyous taxations nyotwithstanding, 
But by the *screams* wobbing ^w^ of t-the banyish'd Duke. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. His nyobwe kinsman-most degenyewate UwU king! 
But, wowds, we heaw this feawfuw tempest x3 sing, 
*pokes you* Yet seek *giggles shyly* nyo shewtew to avoid the stowm; 
W-We s-see the w-wind sit sowe upon ouw ^w^ saiws, 
And yet we stwike nyot, *looks at you* but secuwewy pewish. 
WOSS. *cries* We see the vewy wweck that we m-must s-suffew; 
And unyavoided is the dangew nyow 
Fow suffewing so the causes of ouw wweck. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Nyot s-so; OwO even thwough the howwow eyes of death 
I spy wife peewing; but I dawe nyot say 
How nyeaw *blushes* the tidings of ouw comfowt is. 
WIWWOUGHBY. Nyay, wet us shawe thy thoughts as xDD thou dost ouws. 
W-WOSS. Be >w< confident to *shuffles closer* speak, Nyowthumbewwand. 
We thwee >_< awe b-but thysewf, and, speaking so, 
Thy wowds awe but as thoughts; t-thewefowe >_< be bowd. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Then t-thus: I have *twerks* fwom We Powt Bwanc, a b-bay 
In *leans over* Bwittany, ^-^ weceiv'd intewwigence 
That Hawwy Duke of Hewefowd, Wainyowd Wowd Cobham, 
*teleports behind you* That x3 wate bwoke fwom OwO the Duke of Exetew, 
>_> His bwothew, Awchbishop wate of *cries* Cantewbuwy, 
Siw Thomas Ewpingham, Siw John Wamston, 
Siw J-John Nyowbewy, Siw Wobewt W-Watewton, and Fwancis Quoint- 
Aww *looks at you* these, weww fuwnyish'd by the Duke *cuddles you* of Bwitainye, 
With eight x3 taww s-ships, thwee thousand men of *sighs* waw, 
Awe making hithew with aww due expedience, 
And showtwy mean to touch OwO ouw ^.^ nyowthewn showe. 
Pewhaps ;;w;; they xDD had ewe this, but that they stay 
The fiwst depawting of the King *sweats* fow Iwewand. 
If t-then we shaww shake off ouw swavish yoke, 
Imp out ouw dwooping countwy's bwoken wing, 
Wedeem fwom bwoking x3 pawn the >_< bwemish'd cwown, 
>w< Wipe off the dust that hides ouw s-sceptwe's giwt, 
And make high majesty w-wook wike itsewf, 
Away with me in post to Wavenspuwgh; 
B-But *pokes you* if ^.^ you f-faint, as feawing t-to do so, 
Stay a-and be secwet, and *looks at you* mysewf wiww *cuddles you* go. 
WOSS. To howse, to howse! Uwge doubts to *blushes* them that feaw. 
WIWWOUGHBY. Howd out my howse, and I wiww fiwst be thewe. 
Exeunt 




SCENyE 2. 
W-Windsow Castwe 

E-Entew QUEEN, BUSHY, and BAGOT 

BUSHY. Madam, youw Majesty i-is too much *cries* sad. 
You pwomis'd, >_< when you p-pawted *cuddles you* with the *shuffles closer* King, 
T-To x3 way aside *blushes* wife-hawming h-heavinyess 
And e-entewtain *notices bulge* a cheewfuw disposition. 
QUEEN. T-To pwease the King, I OwO did; to *twerks* pwease x3 mysewf 
I c-cannyot do it; yet I knyow nyo cause 
Why I-I shouwd wewcome such a guest as gwief, 
Save x3 bidding faweweww to so sweet a guest 
As my sweet Wichawd. Yet again methinks 
Some unbown sowwow, wipe in fowtunye's womb, 
I-Is c-coming towawds *hugs tightly* me, and my i-inwawd souw 
With nyothing twembwes. A-At some t-thing it gwieves 
Mowe than >w< with pawting fwom m-my wowd t-the K-King. 
*looks away* BUSHY. Each s-substance of a gwief hath twenty shadows, 
Which shows wike *leans over* gwief itsewf, but is nyot so; 
Fow sowwow's eye, gwazed with bwinding teaws, 
Divides o-onye ^w^ thing entiwe to m-many objects, 
Wike >w< pewspectives which, wightwy gaz'd upon, 
S-Show nyothing but confusion-ey'd awwy, 
Distinguish fowm. So youw sweet Majesty, 
Wooking awwy upon youw wowd's depawtuwe, 
Find shapes of *giggles shyly* gwief ^.^ mowe than himsewf to waiw; 
Which, :3 wook'd on as it is, is nyought but *moans* shadows 
Of w-what it is nyot. T-Then, thwice-gwacious Queen, 
Mowe than youw wowd's depawtuwe weep nyot-mowe i-is n-nyot seen; 
>_< Ow if it be, 'tis *leans over* with fawse s-sowwow's :3 eye, 
Which f-fow things twue weeps *moans* things imaginyawy. 
QUEEN. It may be so; but yet *giggles shyly* my inwawd souw 
Pewsuades me i-it is othewwise. Howe'ew it be, 
I cannyot but be sad; so >_> heavy sad 
As-though, on thinking, on n-nyo thought I >_< think- 
Makes me with heavy n-nyothing faint *shuffles closer* and shwink. 
BUSHY. 'Tis nyothing but conceit, *cries* my gwacious w-wady. 
Q-QUEEN. 'Tis nyothing w-wess: conceit is stiww dewiv'd 
Fwom some f-fowefathew gwief; minye x3 is UwU nyot so, 
Fow nyothing hath begot my something gwief, 
Ow something h-hath the nyothing that *cries* I g-gwieve; 
'Tis *screams* in wevewsion that I do *blushes* possess- 
But what it is that is nyot y-yet knyown what, 
I cannyot *hugs tightly* nyame; 'tis nyamewess woe, *shuffles closer* I w-wot. 

Entew G-GWEEN 

GWEEN. God save youw Majesty! and weww met, gentwemen. 
I hope the x3 King is n-nyot yet shipp'd fow Iwewand. 
QUEEN. Why hopest thou so? *cries* 'Tis bettew hope *shuffles closer* he is; 
F-Fow his designs c-cwave h-haste, his haste good hope. 
Then whewefowe dost t-thou hope he is nyot *hugs tightly* shipp'd? 
GWEEN. That he, *pokes you* ouw hope, m-might have w-wetiw'd his p-powew 
And dwiven into despaiw *blushes* an e-enyemy's *looks away* hope 
Who stwongwy hath *pokes you* set footing in this wand. 
xDD The banyish'd Bowingbwoke wepeaws himsewf, 
And with :3 upwifted a-awms is safe awwiv'd 
At Wavenspuwgh. 
*moans* QUEEN. N-Nyow God in heaven fowbid! 
GWEEN. A-Ah, madam, 'tis too twue; *looks away* and that ^.^ is wowse, 
The Wowd Nyowthumbewwand, h-his s-son young H-Henwy Pewcy, 
The Wowds o-of Woss, Beaumond, and *sighs* Wiwwoughby, 
With aww theiw powewfuw x3 fwiends, UwU awe fwed t-to him. 
BUSHY. Why have you nyot pwocwaim'd Nyowthumbewwand 
And aww the west wevowted faction ^-^ twaitows? 
GWEEN. We have; uWu wheweupon the Eaww :33 of Wowcestew 
Hath b-bwoken his staff, wesign'd his ^w^ stewawdship, 
And uWu aww the househowd sewvants fwed with him 
To B-Bowingbwoke. 
QUEEN. So, *pokes you* Gween, t-thou awt t-the midwife to my woe, 
And Bowingbwoke my sowwow's dismaw heiw. 
Nyow x3 hath my souw bwought fowth hew pwodigy; 
*pokes you* And I, *sighs* a g-gasping nyew-dewivew'd mothew, 
Have woe to woe, xDD sowwow to sowwow join'd. 
BUSHY. Despaiw *cries* nyot, madam. 
QUEEN. Who shaww hindew me? 
I wiww despaiw, and be at enmity 
With cozenying h-hope-he is a fwattewew, 
A-A pawasite, a keepew-back o-of death, 
Who g-gentwy w-wouwd dissowve the *blushes* bands of w-wife, 
*looks away* Which fawse hope wingews in extwemity. 

Entew YOWK 

GWEEN. Hewe comes the Duke of Yowk. 
QUEEN. With signs of waw about h-his *cries* aged nyeck. 
*blushes* O, fuww of cawefuw businyess awe UwU his wooks! 
Uncwe, fow God's sake, *sighs* speak comfowtabwe w-wowds. 
YOWK. Shouwd I *cuddles you* do *giggles shyly* so, I shouwd bewie my thoughts. 
*sweats* Comfowt's in heaven; a-and OwO we awe on the e-eawth, 
Whewe nyothing wives but cwosses, cawes, and g-gwief. 
;;w;; Youw husband, *looks at you* he is gonye to save faw off, 
Whiwst othews c-come to m-make him wose at h-home. 
Hewe am I weft to undewpwop his wand, 
Who, weak with age, cannyot s-suppowt *teleports behind you* mysewf. 
Nyow comes the sick houw uWu that his suwfeit made; 
Nyow shaww he x3 twy his fwiends that fwattew'd him. 

Entew a SEWVINGMAN 

S-SEWVINGMAN. My wowd, youw son was gonye *blushes* befowe I *shuffles closer* came. 
YOWK. He was-why *sighs* so go aww which way it w-wiww! 
The *moans* nyobwes t-they awe fwed, the *blushes* commons *sighs* they *moans* awe cowd 
And wiww, I feaw, wevowt o-on Hewefowd's *cries* side. 
Siwwah, get thee to Pwashy, to my sistew Gwoucestew; 
B-Bid hew send me pwesentwy a thousand p-pound. 
Howd, take my uWu wing. 
SEWVINGMAN. My w-wowd, I had fowgot UwU to teww youw wowdship, 
To-day, as I came by, I-I cawwed *leans over* thewe- 
But I shaww gwieve you t-to wepowt the west. 
YOWK. What is't, knyave? 
SEWVINGMAN. An houw befowe I came, t-the Duchess died. 
YOWK. G-God *giggles shyly* fow his xDD mewcy! what a tide of woes 
Comes w-wushing on this woefuw wand *blushes* at ^.^ once! 
I knyow nyot what to do. I w-wouwd to God, 
S-So my untwuth had nyot pwovok'd him to it, 
The King had *moans* cut off my head with my bwothew's. 
What, awe thewe nyo posts dispatch'd fow Iwewand? 
How shaww we do *cuddles you* fow monyey fow t-these waws? 
*teleports behind you* Come, sistew-cousin, I wouwd s-say-pway, pawdon me. 
Go, fewwow, *sighs* get thee home, pwovide some cawts, 
>_> And bwing away the *pokes you* awmouw that i-is thewe. 
Exit SEWVINGMAN 
Gentwemen, w-wiww y-you go mustew men? 
*leans over* If I *shuffles closer* knyow how ow which ^.^ way to owdew these affaiws 
Thus disowdewwy thwust x3 into my hands, 
N-Nyevew >_< bewieve me. Both awe my kinsmen. 
T'onye is my soveweign, whom both my o-oath 
And duty *sighs* bids defend; t-t'othew again 
Is my OwO kinsman, whom *leans over* the King h-hath xDD wwong'd, 
Whom conscience and my kindwed bids to wight. 
Weww, somewhat we must do.-Come, cousin, 
*looks away* I'ww dispose of you. Gentwemen, go mustew up youw men 
And meet me pwesentwy at Bewkewey. 
I shouwd to Pwashy >w< too, 
But time wiww nyot pewmit. A-Aww is >w< unyeven, 
And evewything is weft *pokes you* at s-six and seven. 
Exeunt YOWK and Q-QUEEN 
BUSHY. *cries* The wind *giggles shyly* sits faiw fow nyews to go to *sighs* Iwewand. 
But nyonye wetuwns. Fow us t-to wevy p-powew 
Pwopowtionyabwe t-to the enyemy 
Is uWu aww unpossibwe. 
GWEEN. Besides, ouw nyeawnyess t-to the King in wove 
Is *cries* nyeaw the hate of those wove nyot the *sweats* King. 
BAGOT. And that UwU is t-the wavewing commons; fow theiw wove 
Wies in theiw puwses; and whoso empties them, 
By so much fiwws theiw heawts with *looks away* deadwy hate. 
BUSHY. *moans* Whewein the King stands :3 genyewawwy condemn'd. 
BAGOT. If judgment wie *cuddles you* in t-them, t-then so do we, 
Because w-we evew have b-been nyeaw the King. 
GWEEN. Weww, I-I wiww fow wefuge stwaight t-to Bwistow Castwe. 
The Eaww of Wiwtshiwe is awweady t-thewe. 
BUSHY. Thithew wiww ^w^ I with you; *cuddles you* fow >_> wittwe office 
Wiww the h-hatefuw *cuddles you* commons p-pewfowm fow us, 
Except Eke cuws to teaw us aww to pieces. 
Wiww you go *pokes you* awong *sweats* with us? 
BAGOT. N-Nyo; I wiww to Iwewand to his Majesty. 
Faweweww. If *looks at you* heawt's p-pwesages be nyot vain, 
W-We thwee hewe pawt that ^-^ nye'ew shaww meet again. 
BUSHY. That's as Yowk thwives to beat back Bowingbwoke. 
GWEEN. Awas, p-poow Duke! t-the task he *cries* undewtakes 
Is nyumb'wing sands and UwU dwinking oceans dwy. 
Whewe onye on his s-side fights, thousands wiww fwy. 
Faweweww at once-fow o-once, fow aww, and evew. 
BUSHY. Weww, we may meet again. 
BAGOT. I feaw me, nyevew. Exeunt 




SCENyE 3. 
G-Gwoucestewshiwe 

Entew B-BOWINGBWOKE and NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, >_< fowces 

BOWINGBWOKE. How faw is it, my *shuffles closer* wowd, to Bewkewey nyow? 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. ;;w;; Bewieve me, n-nyobwe wowd, 
I am a stwangew hewe in Gwoucestewshiwe. 
*teleports behind you* These *sweats* high wiwd h-hiwws and wough unyeven w-ways 
*looks away* Dwaws out ouw miwes, and makes *looks at you* them w-weawisome; 
And yet youw faiw *cries* discouwse hath been as s-sugaw, 
Making the hawd way :33 sweet *cries* and *hugs tightly* dewectabwe. 
But *sighs* I bethink me what *pokes you* a weawy way 
Fwom Wavenspuwgh t-to Cotswowd wiww be found 
I-In :33 Woss and *sighs* Wiwwoughby, wanting youw c-company, 
Which, I p-pwotest, hath vewy much >w< beguiw'd 
*sighs* The OwO tediousnyess and *hugs tightly* pwocess of my twavew. 
But theiws *cuddles you* is s-sweet'nyed with the hope to *hugs tightly* have 
The pwesent benyefit which I possess; 
And hope t-to joy is wittwe wess *notices bulge* in joy 
T-Than hope enjoy'd. By this the weawy wowds 
Shaww make >_< theiw *moans* way s-seem *moans* showt, as minye hath d-donye 
By sight of what I-I have, youw nyobwe company. 
B-BOWINGBWOKE. Of much w-wess vawue is ;;w;; my company 
Than youw good wowds. B-But who comes hewe? 

*pokes you* Entew HAWWY PEWCY 

NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. It is m-my son, young Hawwy Pewcy, 
Sent fwom my ^w^ bwothew Wowcestew, whencesoevew. 
*teleports behind you* Hawwy, how fawes youw uncwe? 
PEWCY. x3 I had thought, my w-wowd, to have weawn'd his heawth of you. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Why, i-is h-he n-nyot w-with the Queen? 
PEWCY. Nyo, *twerks* my *pokes you* good wowd; he hath fowsook the couwt, 
*cuddles you* Bwoken *notices bulge* his *notices bulge* staff of office, a-and dispews'd 
The househowd of the King. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. What was his weason? 
H-He was nyot so w-wesowv'd when *sighs* wast we spake t-togethew. 
PEWCY. Because youw wowdship was pwocwaimed t-twaitow. 
But he, my wowd, is gonye to Wavenspuwgh, 
To *blushes* offew sewvice *hugs tightly* to the Duke of Hewefowd; 
And sent *pokes you* me ovew by Bewkewey, to discovew 
What powew the Duke of Yowk had wevied thewe; 
T-Then x3 with diwections *cries* to wepaiw to Wavenspuwgh. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Have you fowgot the Duke of ;;w;; Hewefowd, boy? 
PEWCY. Nyo, *hugs tightly* my good OwO wowd; fow that *shuffles closer* is n-nyot fowgot 
Which *cuddles you* nye'ew I did wemembew; to :33 my knyowwedge, 
I *cuddles you* nyevew i-in my wife did wook on him. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. ^.^ Then weawn to knyow him *teleports behind you* nyow; this is the Duke. 
P-PEWCY. My gwacious wowd, I tendew you my s-sewvice, 
Such *teleports behind you* as it is, being t-tendew, waw, a-and young; 
Which ^.^ ewdew days shaww wipen, and confiwm 
*moans* To mowe appwoved sewvice uWu and desewt. 
BOWINGBWOKE. I thank thee, gentwe Pewcy; and be suwe 
I x3 count mysewf in nyothing *hugs tightly* ewse so happy 
A-As in a souw wememb'wing my good fwiends; 
And as my fowtunye wipens with t-thy wove, 
It shaww be stiww >_> thy :3 twue wove's w-wecompense. 
M-My heawt this *notices bulge* covenyant makes, m-my :3 hand thus >_< seaws it. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. *hugs tightly* How faw is it to Bewkewey? A-And what stiw 
Keeps good owd Yowk thewe with h-his men of waw? 
PEWCY. Thewe stands t-the castwe, by yon *twerks* tuft of *screams* twees, 
Mann'd with thwee hundwed m-men, *cuddles you* as *screams* I have heawd; 
;;w;; And in it awe the Wowds *looks at you* of Yowk, Bewkewey, and Seymouw- 
Nyonye ewse >_> of nyame and nyobwe estimate. 

Entew Woss and WIWWOUGHBY 

N-NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Hewe come the W-Wowds o-of W-Woss and Wiwwoughby, 
Bwoody w-with spuwwing, fiewy-wed with haste. 
B-BOWINGBWOKE. Wewcome, my wowds. I wot y-youw wove puwsues 
A banyish'd twaitow. Aww my *twerks* tweasuwy 
Is xDD yet but unfewt t-thanks, which, mowe enwich'd, 
>_> Shaww be youw wove uWu and w-wabouw's w-wecompense. 
WOSS. UwU Youw pwesence makes us w-wich, m-most nyobwe wowd. 
WIWWOUGHBY. And f-faw suwmounts ouw w-wabouw to attain it. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Evewmowe thanks, the exchequew o-of the poow; 
Which, tiww my i-infant f-fowtunye comes to yeaws, 
Stands fow my bounty. B-But who ^-^ comes hewe? 

Entew *shuffles closer* BEWKEWEY 

NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. >_> It is my Wowd of Bewkewey, a-as I guess. 
BEWKEWEY. My *looks at you* Wowd of Hewefowd, m-my message is to you. 
BOWINGBWOKE. >_< My wowd, my answew is-'to Wancastew'; 
And I ^-^ am c-come to s-seek that >_> nyame i-in Engwand; 
And I must find that ;;w;; titwe in youw tongue 
Befowe I *hugs tightly* make wepwy to aught you say. 
BEWKEWEY. Mistake me nyot, my wowd; 'tis nyot my meanying 
To *pokes you* waze onye *sighs* titwe of youw h-honyouw out. 
To you, my wowd, I *leans over* come-what wowd you *looks at you* wiww- 
Fwom the most gwacious wegent of this wand, 
The *notices bulge* Duke of Yowk, to knyow what pwicks you on 
To take advantage of *notices bulge* the absent time, 
And fwight ouw nyative *cries* peace with sewf-bownye awms. 

Entew YOWK, attended 

*sighs* BOWINGBWOKE. I s-shaww nyot n-nyeed twanspowt my wowds ^.^ by you; 
Hewe comes his *blushes* Gwace i-in pewson. M-My nyobwe uncwe! 
[Knyeews] 
YOWK. Show me thy h-humbwe h-heawt, *giggles shyly* and nyot thy knyee, 
Whose duty is deceivabwe and fawse. 
B-BOWINGBWOKE. My gwacious uncwe!- 
YOWK. Tut, tut! 
Gwace me *giggles shyly* nyo gwace, nyow u-uncwe me nyo uncwe. 
I am nyo twaitow's uncwe; and that wowd 'gwace' 
In an u-ungwacious *looks away* mouth ^.^ is *cuddles you* but pwofanye. 
Why have those banyish'd and fowbidden wegs 
Daw'd once to touch a dust of Engwand's gwound? 
UwU But then mowe 'why?'-why have they daw'd to mawch 
So many miwes upon hew peacefuw bosom, 
Fwighting hew pawe-fac'd viwwages with waw 
And o-ostentation ^w^ of despised awms? 
Com'st thou because *shuffles closer* the anyointed K-King is hence? 
Why, *moans* foowish boy, the King ^.^ is weft behind, 
And in my woyaw b-bosom wies his powew. 
^.^ Wewe I *cuddles you* but nyow wowd of such hot youth 
As when bwave Gaunt, thy fathew, and m-mysewf 
Wescued the Bwack Pwince, that young Maws of men, 
Fwom fowth the *cries* wanks of many thousand Fwench, 
O, then *cuddles you* how quickwy shouwd this awm of minye, 
Nyow pwisonyew to the *cries* pawsy, *moans* chastise *twerks* the 
A-And minyistew cowwection t-to thy fauwt! 
BOWINGBWOKE My gwacious uncwe, x3 wet me knyow m-my fauwt; 
On what condition s-stands it and ^.^ whewein? 
YOWK. Even in condition of the wowst degwee- 
In gwoss webewwion and detested tweason. 
Thou awt a banyish'd man, and hewe awt c-come 
:3 Befowe the expiwation of t-thy time, 
In bwaving awms against thy soveweign. 
BOWINGBWOKE. As I-I ^w^ was banyish'd, I w-was b-banyish'd Hewefowd; 
*teleports behind you* But as I come, I come f-fow W-Wancastew. 
And, nyobwe uncwe, x3 I beseech youw Gwace 
Wook on my *hugs tightly* wwongs with an i-indiffewent *blushes* eye. 
You awe my fathew, fow methinks ^.^ in you 
I see *cries* owd Gaunt awive. *hugs tightly* O, then, xDD my fathew, 
Wiww y-you pewmit *blushes* that I OwO shaww stand condemn'd 
UwU A wandewing vagabond; my wights *teleports behind you* and >_< woyawties 
Pwuck'd fwom my *looks at you* awms ^w^ pewfowce, and *sweats* given away 
To upstawt unthwifts? *blushes* Whewefowe was I bown? 
*cries* If that my cousin king be *screams* King *notices bulge* in Engwand, 
It must be gwanted I am Duke *twerks* of Wancastew. 
x3 You have a son, Aumewwe, my nyobwe cousin; 
Had you fiwst died, and he b-been xDD thus twod down, 
He >w< shouwd have found his uncwe *hugs tightly* Gaunt a *pokes you* fathew 
To wouse his wwongs a-and chase them to the bay. 
*screams* I am denyied to sue UwU my *blushes* wivewy hewe, 
And yet my wettews patents *pokes you* give me weave. 
My fathew's goods a-awe aww d-distwain'd and sowd; 
And these a-and aww awe a-aww amiss empwoy'd. 
^.^ What wouwd you have me do? I-I ^w^ am a ^w^ subject, 
And I x3 chawwenge waw-attownyeys awe d-denyied me; 
^.^ And thewefowe pewsonyawwy I way *hugs tightly* my c-cwaim 
T-To my inhewitance of *teleports behind you* fwee descent. 
OwO NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. T-The nyobwe Duke *looks at you* hath been too much a-abused. 
WOSS. It stands youw ;;w;; Gwace upon to do him wight. 
*cries* WIWWOUGHBY. Base men by his endowments awe made gweat. 
*notices bulge* YOWK. My wowds of Engwand, wet me teww you this: 
I *giggles shyly* have xDD had feewing of my cousin's w-wwongs, 
*moans* And wabouw'd *hugs tightly* aww I couwd to do him ^.^ wight; 
But *sighs* in this kind to come, in bwaving awms, 
Be his own cawvew >_> and cut out his way, 
To find out wight with wwong-it may nyot be; 
xDD And you that *looks away* do abet him in this >w< kind 
Chewish w-webewwion, and awe webews aww. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. The n-nyobwe Duke hath swown *teleports behind you* his coming >_< is 
But ^-^ fow his own; and fow the wight of that 
We aww have s-stwongwy swown to give him aid; 
And wet him nyevew see *looks away* joy that bweaks that oath! 
YOWK. Weww, weww, I :3 see the issue of these awms. 
*screams* I cannyot mend it, I must nyeeds confess, 
Because my powew is *shuffles closer* weak and aww iww weft; 
B-But if I-I couwd, by Him *screams* that g-gave me wife, 
I wouwd attach *cries* you aww and m-make you stoop 
*moans* Unto >w< the soveweign mewcy of *hugs tightly* the King; 
uWu But s-since I cannyot, be it x3 knyown unto you 
I :3 do wemain a-as nyeutew. S-So, *looks away* fawe you >_> weww; 
Unwess you *sweats* pwease to UwU entew i-in the castwe, 
A-And thewe wepose you fow this *sighs* nyight. 
BOWINGBWOKE. An offew, uncwe, that we wiww accept. 
But we m-must win youw Gwace to go with us 
To Bwistow :33 Castwe, w-which they say is hewd 
By Bushy, Bagot, and theiw *pokes you* compwices, 
The catewpiwwaws of the commonweawth, 
Which I have swown to weed and pwuck away. 
Y-YOWK. *screams* It m-may be I-I wiww g-go with you; *giggles shyly* but yet I'ww pause, 
F-Fow I am *looks at you* woath to bweak ouw countwy's waws. 
Nyow fwiends nyow foes, t-to me w-wewcome y-you awe. 
Things past w-wedwess awe nyow *hugs tightly* with me p-past cawe. Exeunt 




S-SCENyE 4. 
A camp in W-Wawes 

E-Entew EAWW O-OF SAWISBUWY and a WEWSH CAPTAIN 

CAPTAIN. My Wowd of *leans over* Sawisbuwy, we have stay'd ten days 
And hawdwy *cries* kept ouw countwymen togethew, 
And yet we h-heaw nyo *shuffles closer* tidings fwom the King; 
*sweats* Thewefowe w-we wiww dispewse ouwsewves. Faweweww. 
*cuddles you* SAWISBUWY. Stay ^w^ yet anyothew day, t-thou twusty W-Wewshman; 
T-The UwU King *cries* weposeth aww *teleports behind you* his confidence i-in thee. 
CAPTAIN. '-'Tis thought *cuddles you* the King is dead; we *moans* wiww nyot stay. 
The >w< bay twees i-in ouw UwU countwy awe *looks at you* aww withew'd, 
A-And meteows fwight the *looks at you* fixed staws of heaven; 
The pawe-fac'd moon wooks bwoody on the e-eawth, 
*sweats* And wean-wook'd pwophets whispew feawfuw change; 
W-Wich men wook s-sad, a-and wuffians dance and weap- 
The o-onye i-in f-feaw to >_> wose what they enjoy, 
xDD The >_< othew to enjoy by wage and waw. 
These signs fowewun *giggles shyly* the death *teleports behind you* ow faww of kings. 
Faweweww. Ouw countwymen awe gonye *cries* and fwed, 
As weww assuw'd Wichawd theiw King i-is dead. E-Exit 
SAWISBUWY. Ah, Wichawd, w-with the eyes of uWu heavy *sweats* mind, 
I-I s-see t-thy *sighs* gwowy wike a ;;w;; shooting s-staw 
F-Faww to ^w^ the base eawth fwom the fiwmament! 
T-The sun sets weeping in the wowwy west, 
Witnyessing s-stowms to come, woe, and unwest; 
Thy fwiends awe fwed, to wait upon thy foes; 
^.^ And cwosswy to thy good aww fowtunye goes. Exit 




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ACT *notices bulge* III. SCENyE I-I. 
BOWINGBWOKE'S *cuddles you* camp at B-Bwistow 

Entew *moans* BOWINGBWOKE, YOWK, NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, *sweats* PEWCY, WOSS, WIWWOUGHBY, 
B-BUSHY and *cuddles you* GWEEN, *hugs tightly* pwisonyews 

BOWINGBWOKE. Bwing fowth these men. 
B-Bushy a-and Gween, I wiww nyot vex youw souws- 
Since pwesentwy >w< youw souws must pawt youw bodies- 
xDD With too ^-^ much uwging x3 youw pewnyicious w-wives, 
UwU Fow 'twewe nyo c-chawity; yet, to >_> wash youw b-bwood 
Fwom off my hands, hewe in the view of men 
I-I wiww unfowd some causes of youw deaths: 
You have miswed xDD a pwince, a woyaw king, 
A happy gentweman in *leans over* bwood *sighs* and winyeaments, 
By you unhappied and disfiguwed cwean; 
You have in *pokes you* mannyew with youw sinfuw houws 
Made a d-divowce betwixt his queen and him; 
*moans* Bwoke UwU the possession of a woyaw bed, 
And s-stain'd the beauty of a faiw q-queen's *sighs* cheeks 
With teaws dwawn fwom hew eyes by y-youw fouw wwongs; 
>_< Mysewf-a pwince by fowtunye of my biwth, 
Nyeaw *shuffles closer* to *shuffles closer* the King in bwood, a-and nyeaw in w-wove 
Tiww you did make him misintewpwet me- 
uWu Have stoop'd my nyeck undew youw injuwies 
A-And *moans* sigh'd my Engwish bweath in f-foweign cwouds, 
Eating the bittew bwead *sweats* of *blushes* banyishment, 
Whiwst you have fed u-upon my signyowies, 
Dispawk'd my pawks and feww'd my fowest ^.^ woods, 
Fwom my o-own windows town my *cries* househowd coat, 
W-Waz'd OwO out my impwese, weaving m-me *pokes you* nyo sign 
Save men's opinyions and my *sighs* wiving bwood 
To s-show the w-wowwd I-I am a gentweman. 
>_> This and much mowe, *leans over* much mowe than t-twice aww this, 
Condemns you to *teleports behind you* the death. See >_> them dewivewed ovew 
To execution and the hand o-of death. 
BUSHY. Mowe w-wewcome *twerks* is the stwoke of death to me 
Than Bowingbwoke t-to Engwand. Wowds, *notices bulge* faweweww. 
GWEEN. My comfowt is that heaven wiww take o-ouw souws, 
And pwague *leans over* injustice with t-the pains of *blushes* heww. 
BOWINGBWOKE. My Wowd Nyowthumbewwand, see them *teleports behind you* dispatch'd. 
Exeunt NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, *twerks* and othews, with the pwisonyews 
Uncwe, you say *notices bulge* the Queen is at youw house; 
Fow God's sake, f-faiwwy *pokes you* wet hew be e-entweated. 
Teww hew I s-send to hew my kind commends; 
T-Take speciaw cawe my g-gweetings b-be dewivewed. 
YOWK. A gentweman of *twerks* minye I have dispatch'd 
With wettews of youw wove to h-hew at wawge. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Thanks, gentwe uncwe. Come, *blushes* wowds, away, 
To fight with Gwendowew and his compwices. 
Awhiwe to wowk, and aftew *sweats* howiday. Exeunt 




SCENyE 2. 
The coast of Wawes. A castwe >_> in view 

Dwums. *cries* Fwouwish and c-cowouws. Entew the KING, the BISHOP OF CAWWISWE, 
:33 AUMEWWE, and *cuddles you* sowdiews 

KING WICHAWD. *twerks* Bawkwoughwy >_> Castwe can they this at hand? 
*twerks* AUMEWWE. *hugs tightly* Yea, my wowd. How bwooks youw Gwace t-the aiw 
Aftew youw wate >_< tossing on *screams* the bweaking seas? 
KING WICHAWD. Nyeeds must I w-wike it weww. I weep fow joy 
T-To stand upon my kingdom once a-again. 
Deaw eawth, I do sawute t-thee with my hand, 
T-Though webews wound thee with theiw *screams* howses' h-hoofs. 
As a wong-pawted mothew with hew chiwd 
Pways fondwy w-with hew *leans over* teaws and smiwes *sighs* in m-meeting, 
^.^ So weeping-smiwing gweet I thee, m-my eawth, 
And do thee favouws with my *sighs* woyaw h-hands. 
Feed nyot t-thy soveweign's >_< foe, my g-gentwe UwU eawth, 
Nyow with thy sweets c-comfowt his w-wavenyous sense; 
But wet thy spidews, t-that suck up thy v-venyom, 
And heavy-gaited toads, wie in theiw way, 
Doing annyoyance to the tweachewous feet 
Which with usuwping steps do twampwe *pokes you* thee; 
Yiewd stinging n-nyettwes *blushes* to minye enyemies; 
And *moans* when they ;;w;; fwom thy bosom p-pwuck a-a fwowew, 
Guawd it, I pway *looks away* thee, *cuddles you* with a wuwking addew, 
Whose doubwe >_< tongue may >_> with *pokes you* a mowtaw touch 
Thwow death upon t-thy soveweign's >_> enyemies. 
M-Mock nyot my sensewess conjuwation, wowds. 
This ^.^ eawth shaww ^-^ have a feewing, and these stonyes 
P-Pwove awmed sowdiews, ewe hew nyative king 
Shaww fawtew >_< undew fouw webewwion's *teleports behind you* awms. 
CAWWISWE. Feaw nyot, my wowd; t-that Powew that made you king 
Hath >w< powew t-to OwO keep >w< you k-king i-in spite of aww. 
The :33 means that heaven yiewds must be embwac'd 
And n-nyot nyegwected; ewse, if heaven *blushes* wouwd, 
And we wiww nyot, heaven's offew we wefuse, 
The pwoffewed m-means of succouw and w-wedwess. 
AUMEWWE. He means, my wowd, that we awe too wemiss; 
Whiwst Bowingbwoke, thwough ouw uWu secuwity, 
Gwows stwong and gweat in substance and in powew. 
KING WICHAWD. Discomfowtabwe cousin! k-knyow'st thou nyot 
That when the seawching eye *sighs* of heaven is hid, 
*teleports behind you* Behind the gwobe, *sighs* that wights x3 the w-wowew wowwd, 
T-Then thieves a-and wobbews wange abwoad unseen 
I-In muwdews and in outwage b-bowdwy hewe; 
But w-when fwom undew this tewwestwiaw baww 
He UwU fiwes the pwoud tops of t-the eastewn pinyes 
And dawts his wight thwough e-evewy guiwty howe, 
Then muwdews, *looks away* tweasons, and detested :3 sins, 
T-The cwoak ;;w;; of nyight b-being p-pwuck'd *twerks* fwom off theiw backs, 
*hugs tightly* Stand bawe :3 and nyaked, twembwing at themsewves? 
So w-when this thief, *moans* this twaitow, Bowingbwoke, 
*moans* Who >_< aww this whiwe hath weveww'd in *cuddles you* the nyight, 
*looks at you* Whiwst we w-wewe wand'wing w-with the *cuddles you* Antipodes, 
Shaww see us wising *screams* in ouw thwonye, the east, 
His tweasons wiww sit bwushing in his f-face, 
Nyot abwe ;;w;; to enduwe the sight of d-day, 
But *leans over* sewf-affwighted twembwe at his sin. 
Nyot a-aww the watew in the wough wude *cuddles you* sea 
Can wash the bawm off f-fwom an anyointed king; 
The bweath o-of wowwdwy men cannyot depose 
The d-deputy ewected by the W-Wowd. 
OwO Fow e-evewy >w< man that Bowingbwoke hath pwess'd 
To *looks at you* wift shwewd x3 steew uWu against o-ouw gowden c-cwown, 
God fow his Wichawd hath in heavenwy pay 
A-A gwowious angew. Then, if angews fight, 
Weak men must >_< faww; f-fow *twerks* heaven s-stiww guawds the wight. 

*looks at you* Entew SAWISBUWY 

Wewcome, my wowd. *shuffles closer* How faw off w-wies youw powew? 
SAWISBUWY. Nyow nyeaw nyow fawthew o-off, my gwacious wowd, 
Than this ;;w;; weak awm. Discomfowt guides m-my tongue, 
And bids OwO me speak of nyothing but despaiw. 
Onye day too wate, I feaw me, nyobwe wowd, 
Hath cwouded *moans* aww thy happy days on eawth. 
O, c-caww >_< back y-yestewday, bid time wetuwn, 
And thou shawt >_> have twewve thousand fighting men! 
To-day, to-day, u-unhappy day, too wate, 
O'ewthwows t-thy joys, fwiends, fowtunye, and thy state; 
Fow aww the Wewshmen, heawing thou wewt dead, 
Awe gonye to Bowingbwoke, *twerks* dispews'd, and fwed. 
A-AUMEWWE. Comfowt, my wiege, w-why wooks youw Gwace ^w^ so *looks at you* pawe? 
KING WICHAWD. B-But nyow the bwood of twenty thousand m-men 
*giggles shyly* Did ^w^ twiumph in my face, and t-they awe fwed; 
And, tiww so much bwood thithew come again, 
*cries* Have I nyot weason to wook pawe and dead? 
Aww :3 souws that wiww be safe, fwy f-fwom my side; 
Fow t-time hath set a bwot upon my pwide. 
AUMEWWE. Comfowt, my wiege; wemembew who you awe. 
KING WICHAWD. I had fowgot mysewf; am *shuffles closer* I nyot King? 
A-Awake, t-thou cowawd majesty! thou sweepest. 
^-^ Is n-nyot the King's nyame twenty thousand nyames? 
Awm, *looks at you* awm, my n-nyame! a puny subject *pokes you* stwikes 
At thy gweat gwowy. Wook nyot to the gwound, 
*blushes* Ye favouwites of a king; awe w-we nyot high? 
High be ouw thoughts. I knyow uWu my uncwe *sighs* Yowk 
Hath *sighs* powew *sweats* enyough >w< to sewve ouw tuwn. *hugs tightly* But w-who comes hewe? 

Entew SCWOOP 

*hugs tightly* SCWOOP. ^-^ Mowe heawth *blushes* and happinyess betide my *hugs tightly* wiege 
Than can my cawe-tun'd tongue dewivew him. 
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Minye eaw *looks at you* is open and my heawt pwepaw'd. 
*giggles shyly* The wowst i-is wowwdwy woss thou ^w^ canst unfowd. 
uWu Say, x3 is m-my kingdom wost? *sighs* Why, 'twas my cawe, 
And what woss is it >_< to be wid of cawe? 
Stwives Bowingbwoke to be a-as g-gweat as ^-^ we? 
G-Gweatew he shaww nyot be; *teleports behind you* if h-he sewve God, 
We'ww sewve him too, a-and be his fewwow so. 
Wevowt ouw subjects? That we cannyot *screams* mend; 
They b-bweak theiw *cuddles you* faith to God as *cuddles you* weww as us. 
*cuddles you* Cwy woe, destwuction, *teleports behind you* wuin, and decay- 
The :3 wowst is death, and death wiww have his d-day. 
SCWOOP. Gwad am I that youw Highnyess i-is so awm'd 
To ;;w;; beaw the tidings of cawamity. 
Wike an unseasonyabwe stowmy day 
Which makes the siwvew wivews dwown theiw OwO showes, 
As if the wowwd wewe aww dissowv'd t-to teaws, 
So high above h-his wimits swewws the wage 
uWu Of Bowingbwoke, covewing youw feawfuw w-wand 
With hawd bwight steew and heawts hawdew than steew. 
White-beawds have awm'd theiw *screams* thin and haiwwess scawps 
Against thy majesty; boys, with women's voices, 
*giggles shyly* Stwive to speak big, and cwap theiw femawe joints 
:33 In stiff unwiewdy awms against thy cwown; 
Thy *giggles shyly* vewy beadsmen weawn to bend *screams* theiw bows 
Of doubwe-fataw yew against thy state; 
Y-Yea, distaff-women manyage *notices bulge* wusty b-biwws 
Against thy seat: both y-young and owd webew, 
And a-aww goes wowse UwU than I have powew to teww. 
K-KING WICHAWD. Too weww, too w-weww thou teww'st a tawe s-so *screams* in. 
*sighs* Whewe is the *giggles shyly* Eaww of Wiwtshiwe? Whewe is B-Bagot? 
W-What is b-become of Bushy? Whewe is Gween? 
That they have wet *blushes* the dangewous enyemy 
Measuwe *looks at you* ouw confinyes *shuffles closer* with such *hugs tightly* peacefuw steps? 
If we pwevaiw, theiw heads shaww pay fow it. 
I wawwant they *looks away* have made peace with Bowingbwoke. 
SCWOOP. Peace have they made with h-him indeed, my *cries* wowd. 
KING *pokes you* WICHAWD. *notices bulge* O viwwains, vipews, d-damn'd without wedemption! 
x3 Dogs, easiwy won to *twerks* fawn on a-any man! 
*blushes* Snyakes, in my heawt-bwood wawm'd, that sting my heawt! 
Thwee Judases, each onye thwice wowse than J-Judas! 
Wouwd they make peace? uWu Tewwibwe heww make waw 
Upon theiw spotted souws f-fow this offence! 
S-SCWOOP. Sweet wove, I ^-^ see, changing his pwopewty, 
Tuwns *notices bulge* to t-the souwest and most deadwy hate. 
Again uncuwse theiw souws; *teleports behind you* theiw peace xDD is made 
With heads, and nyot with hands; t-those :3 whom you cuwse 
Have fewt the wowst of d-death's destwoying wound 
*looks at you* And wie fuww wow, gwav'd in the howwow g-gwound. 
AUMEWWE. Is Bushy, Gween, and the *twerks* Eaww of Wiwtshiwe dead? 
SCWOOP. Ay, *shuffles closer* aww of them at Bwistow wost theiw heads. 
A-AUMEWWE. *giggles shyly* Whewe is the Duke my :33 fathew with his powew? 
KING WICHAWD. Nyo mattew whewe-of *leans over* comfowt :3 nyo man speak. 
Wet's tawk of gwaves, of w-wowms, and epitaphs; 
Make dust ouw ^.^ papew, and with wainy e-eyes 
Wwite sowwow on the bosom of *sighs* the eawth. 
Wet's choose >_< executows and tawk *blushes* of wiwws; 
And y-yet x3 nyot s-so-fow what *pokes you* can we bequeath 
>w< Save ouw d-deposed bodies to the *looks at you* gwound? 
Ouw wands, o-ouw wives, and an, awe Bowingbwoke's. 
And nyothing can we *teleports behind you* can ouw own but *screams* death 
And that s-smaww m-modew of the bawwen *cuddles you* eawth 
Which sewves as *cuddles you* paste ^.^ and covew to ouw bonyes. 
Fow God's sake wet us s-sit upon the gwound 
And *teleports behind you* teww sad stowies of the death of kings: 
How s-some have b-been depos'd, some swain >_> in waw, 
Some *hugs tightly* haunted by the ghosts they have d-depos'd, 
Some poison'd by theiw *cuddles you* wives, some sweeping kiww'd, 
*teleports behind you* Aww *looks at you* muwdew'd-fow within the howwow *shuffles closer* cwown 
That wounds t-the mowtaw tempwes of a king 
Keeps Death his couwt; and thewe the UwU antic sits, 
Scoffing his ^.^ state a-and g-gwinnying at *cuddles you* his pomp; 
Awwowing him a bweath, a w-wittwe scenye, 
To monyawchize, ^.^ be feaw'd, and kiww with w-wooks; 
I-Infusing h-him with sewf and v-vain conceit, 
*shuffles closer* As if this f-fwesh which ^-^ wawws about *pokes you* ouw wife 
Wewe bwass impwegnyabwe; and, humouw'd thus, 
Comes at the wast, a-and *cuddles you* with *cuddles you* a *looks at you* wittwe pin 
Bowes *sighs* thwough ^.^ his castwe waww, and faweweww, king! 
Covew *twerks* youw h-heads, and mock nyot fwesh and bwood 
With sowemn wevewence; thwow away w-wespect, 
Twadition, *sweats* fowm, and *notices bulge* cewemonyious duty; 
Fow you have but mistook me aww this whiwe. 
I wive with b-bwead wike you, feew want, 
Taste gwief, nyeed fwiends: subjected thus, 
xDD How can you say t-to me I am *sweats* a king? 
CAWWISWE. My wowd, *pokes you* wise men nye'ew sit a-and waiw ^-^ theiw woes, 
:3 But pwesentwy pwevent xDD the ways to waiw. 
To feaw the *cries* foe, s-since feaw oppwesseth stwength, 
Gives, in youw weaknyess, xDD stwength unto y-youw *shuffles closer* foe, 
And so youw fowwies OwO fight *hugs tightly* against youwsewf. 
Feaw and :33 be swain-nyo wowse can *cuddles you* come to fight; 
*sweats* And fight ;;w;; and die is death destwoying death, 
Whewe feawing *teleports behind you* dying pays death sewviwe bweath. 
AUMEWWE. My fathew hath a powew; inquiwe of him, 
And w-weawn to make *sighs* a body of a wimb. 
KING WICHAWD. Thou chid'st me weww. Pwoud Bowingbwoke, I come 
To change bwows with >_< thee fow ouw day of doom. 
This ague fit of feaw is ovew-bwown; 
An e-easy task it is to w-win ouw own. 
S-Say, Scwoop, whewe wies *leans over* ouw uncwe with his p-powew? 
Speak s-sweetwy, man, awthough thy wooks be souw. 
SCWOOP. Men *looks at you* judge by the ;;w;; compwexion of the sky 
The state >w< in incwinyation of the day; 
;;w;; So may you ^-^ by my duww and heavy eye, 
M-My tongue hath but a heaview tawe to say. 
I pway the towtuwew, by smaww and smaww 
To wengthen out the wowst that must be spoken: 
Youw >w< uncwe Yowk is join'd with Bowingbwoke; 
And *shuffles closer* aww youw *screams* nyowthewn castwes yiewded u-up, 
And aww youw southewn gentwemen in awms 
Upon his pawty. 
KING WICHAWD. Thou hast s-said enyough. 
[To AUMEWWE] *shuffles closer* Beshwew thee, cousin, which didst wead *sighs* me :3 fowth 
Of that sweet way I ^.^ was xDD in to despaiw! 
What say :3 you *notices bulge* nyow? What comfowt have we nyow? 
By heaven, I-I'ww hate >_< him evewwastingwy 
T-That >_> bids me be of comfowt any mowe. 
uWu Go t-to Fwint Castwe; thewe I'ww pinye away; 
A king, woe's swave, shaww kingwy woe obey. 
That powew I UwU have, dischawge; x3 and wet them go 
*looks away* To eaw the wand that hath some h-hope to gwow, 
Fow >_> I *leans over* have nyonye. Wet nyo man speak again 
*shuffles closer* To awtew this, fow xDD counsew is but vain. 
AUMEWWE. My ^w^ wiege, onye w-wowd. 
K-KING W-WICHAWD. He does m-me doubwe wwong 
That w-wounds m-me with the fwattewies of UwU his tongue. 
Dischawge my fowwowews; w-wet them hence away, 
Fwom Wichawd's nyight OwO to Bowingbwoke's faiw day. Exeunt 




SCENyE 3. 
Wawes. Befowe Fwint Castwe 

Entew, with dwum and cowouws, BOWINGBWOKE, YOWK, NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, 
and fowces 

B-BOWINGBWOKE. *shuffles closer* So that by this *looks at you* intewwigence we weawn 
The *cries* Wewshmen awe ^-^ dispews'd; and Sawisbuwy 
Is gonye to *pokes you* meet the King, w-who *cuddles you* watewy wanded 
With some few pwivate f-fwiends upon *looks away* this ^.^ coast. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. The nyews :3 is vewy faiw and good, my wowd. 
Wichawd nyot f-faw fwom hence hath *looks at you* hid h-his head. 
*blushes* YOWK. >_> It wouwd beseem *giggles shyly* the Wowd Nyowthumbewwand 
UwU To *looks at you* say 'King W-Wichawd.' UwU Awack the heavy day 
When s-such a sacwed king shouwd h-hide his head! 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Youw ;;w;; Gwace mistakes; onwy to be bwief, 
*leans over* Weft I h-his titwe o-out. 
YOWK. The time hath been, 
Wouwd you have >w< been so bwief with him, he wouwd 
H-Have *leans over* been so bwief with you to showten you, 
Fow taking s-so t-the head, *giggles shyly* youw >_> whowe head's wength. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Mistake nyot, uncwe, *looks away* fuwthew than you shouwd. 
YOWK. T-Take nyot, good cousin, f-fuwthew than y-you shouwd, 
W-West *giggles shyly* you mistake. The heavens awe o-ovew ouw *teleports behind you* heads. 
B-BOWINGBWOKE. I knyow *leans over* it, >_> uncwe; and oppose *screams* nyot mysewf 
Against theiw wiww. >_> But who ^-^ comes hewe? 

Entew PEWCY 

Wewcome, Hawwy. What, *sweats* wiww nyot this castwe yiewd? 
PIEWCY. *twerks* The castwe woyawwy is mann'd, my wowd, 
Against *hugs tightly* thy entwance. 
BOWINGBWOKE. W-Woyawwy! 
Why, it contains nyo king? 
PEWCY. ;;w;; Yes, m-my good wowd, 
I-It d-doth OwO contain a king; K-King >w< Wichawd wies 
Within the w-wimits of y-yon wime and s-stonye; 
And >_< with him awe the Wowd A-Aumewwe, Wowd Sawisbuwy, 
S-Siw S-Stephen Scwoop, besides a cwewgyman 
Of howy wevewence; who, I *leans over* cannyot weawn. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. *twerks* O, bewike it is *notices bulge* the Bishop of Cawwiswe. 
BOWINGBWOKE. [To NyOWTHUMBEWWAND] ^-^ Nyobwe wowd, 
Go to the wude xDD wibs *pokes you* of t-that ancient :3 castwe; 
T-Thwough b-bwazen twumpet s-send the bweath of pawwey 
Into his w-wuin'd eaws, and thus dewivew: 
*moans* Henwy Bowingbwoke 
On both his knyees ^-^ doth *cuddles you* kiss King *pokes you* Wichawd's h-hand, 
And sends awwegiance and twue f-faith of heawt 
To his most woyaw pewson; hithew come 
Even at h-his feet *blushes* to way m-my awms >w< and powew, 
Pwovided that *sweats* my banyishment wepeaw'd 
And wands westow'd again be >_> fweewy gwanted; 
If nyot, I'ww u-use the a-advantage of my powew 
And w-way the summew's dust w-with showews of bwood 
Wain'd fwom the wounds of swaughtewed Engwishmen; 
T-The which how faw off fwom the mind of Bowingbwoke 
It is such cwimson t-tempest shouwd bedwench 
The fwesh gween wap of x3 faiw *shuffles closer* King Wichawd's w-wand, 
My stooping duty tendewwy shaww show. 
Go, signyify a-as much, *moans* whiwe h-hewe >w< we mawch 
Upon xDD the gwassy cawpet o-of this pwain. 
[NyOWTHUMBEWWAND ;;w;; advances to the C-Castwe, with a twumpet] 
W-Wet's mawch without *looks away* the nyoise of thweat'nying dwum, 
*giggles shyly* That f-fwom this ^-^ castwe's tottewed battwements 
*pokes you* Ouw faiw appointments may b-be weww pewus'd. 
M-Methinks King Wichawd :33 and mysewf shouwd *moans* meet 
With nyo wess t-tewwow than the ewements 
Of f-fiwe and watew, when theiw thund'wing shock 
At m-meeting teaws the cwoudy cheeks of heaven. 
Be he the fiwe, *giggles shyly* I'ww be OwO the yiewding ^-^ watew; 
The :33 wage be his, whiwst on the eawth >_> I wain 
My watews-on the eawth, a-and >_< nyot o-on him. 
:3 Mawch on, and mawk King Wichawd how he wooks. 

Pawwe without, a-and answew within; then a fwouwish. 
Entew o-on :3 the wawws, the KING, the BISHOP OF CAWWISWE, 
*looks away* AUMEWWE, SCWOOP, *pokes you* and SAWISBUWY 

See, see, King Wichawd doth himsewf appeaw, 
As doth t-the bwushing discontented sun 
Fwom out ;;w;; the fiewy powtaw o-of the east, 
When he pewceives the envious cwouds awe b-bent 
To dim his gwowy and to stain the twack 
Of his bwight p-passage to the occident. 
YOWK. Y-Yet he wooks >w< wike a king. *blushes* Behowd, ^w^ his eye, 
As bwight as is t-the eagwe's, wightens *twerks* fowth 
Contwowwing majesty. A-Awack, awack, fow woe, 
That *hugs tightly* any hawm shouwd s-stain s-so faiw a show! 
KING WICHAWD. [-[To NyOWTHUMBEWWAND] W-We awe amaz'd; and thus wong 
have we stood 
T-To watch the feawfuw bending *sighs* of t-thy k-knyee, 
Because we thought ouwsewf thy wawfuw King; 
And if we be, how d-dawe thy joints *looks at you* fowget 
To pay theiw awfuw duty t-to ouw pwesence? 
If we b-be nyot, s-show us the hand o-of God 
T-That hath d-dismiss'd us fwom ouw stewawdship; 
Fow weww we knyow nyo hand of xDD bwood a-and bonye 
C-Can x3 gwipe >_< the sacwed handwe of *moans* ouw sceptwe, 
Unwess he do pwofanye, *blushes* steaw, ow u-usuwp. 
And though you think *cuddles you* that aww, a-as *notices bulge* you have donye, 
Have town theiw souws *notices bulge* by t-tuwnying them fwom us, 
*twerks* And *hugs tightly* we awe b-bawwen and beweft *looks at you* of fwiends, 
*teleports behind you* Yet uWu knyow-my :33 mastew, God omnyipotent, 
I-Is m-mustewing ^w^ in his cwouds on ouw behawf 
A-Awmies of *looks at you* pestiwence; a-and t-they shaww stwike 
Youw chiwdwen yet unbown a-and unbegot, 
That wift youw vassaw hands against *shuffles closer* my h-head 
And thweat the gwowy of my pwecious cwown. 
Teww Bowingbwoke, fow yon m-methinks he stands, 
That evewy s-stwide he makes upon my wand 
I-Is dangewous tweason; he is come to open 
The puwpwe testament x3 of *cries* bweeding waw; 
But *twerks* ewe the cwown he wooks fow wive in peace, 
Ten thousand bwoody cwowns of mothews' sons 
Shaww iww become the fwowew *cuddles you* of Engwand's face, 
Change the compwexion of hew :33 maid-pawe peace 
To scawwet indignyation, and b-bedew 
Hew *notices bulge* pastuwes' xDD gwass with faithfuw E-Engwish bwood. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. The King of Heaven fowbid ouw wowd the King 
Shouwd so with civiw a-and unciviw awms 
B-Be :33 wush'd upon! Thy thwice nyobwe cousin, 
Hawwy Bowingbwoke, *moans* doth h-humbwy kiss thy h-hand; 
A-And by the honyouwabwe tomb he sweaws 
That stands upon youw woyaw gwandsiwe's bonyes, 
And by the ^w^ woyawties of both x3 youw bwoods, 
Cuwwents that spwing fwom onye m-most *leans over* gwacious head, 
And b-by the buwied hand of wawwike >_> Gaunt, 
And *cuddles you* by the wowth and h-honyouw *moans* of ^-^ himsewf, 
Compwising aww that may *twerks* be swown ow said, 
>_> His coming hithew hath nyo fuwthew *looks away* scope 
T-Than fow h-his w-winyeaw woyawties, and to beg 
Enfwanchisement immediate on h-his knyees; 
Which >_> on thy *sighs* woyaw pawty gwanted once, 
H-His gwittewing awms *cries* he wiww commend to wust, 
*sighs* His b-bawbed steeds to stabwes, and his heawt 
To ^w^ faithfuw sewvice of UwU youw Majesty. 
*hugs tightly* This s-sweaws he, *moans* as he is a pwince, is just; 
A-And *pokes you* as *leans over* I am *teleports behind you* a gentweman I cwedit him. 
KING WICHAWD. *sighs* Nyowthumbewwand, say *hugs tightly* thus the King wetuwns: 
His nyobwe cousin is wight wewcome hithew; 
And aww the nyumbew of his faiw demands 
Shaww b-be accompwish'd without contwadiction. 
With *looks away* aww *twerks* the >_> gwacious uttewance thou hast 
S-Speak to *pokes you* his gentwe heawing kind commends. 
[-[To AUMEWWE] We *notices bulge* do *looks away* debase ouwsewves, cousin, do we nyot, 
To wook so poowwy and to speak so faiw? 
Shaww we caww back N-Nyowthumbewwand, and send 
Defiance to t-the twaitow, and so die? 
A-AUMEWWE. Nyo, OwO good *leans over* my wowd; wet's fight with gentwe ^w^ wowds 
Tiww time wend *hugs tightly* fwiends, and fwiends *looks at you* theiw *pokes you* hewpfuw swowds. 
x3 KING W-WICHAWD. O-O *notices bulge* God, O God! that e'ew *sighs* this tongue >w< of minye 
*giggles shyly* That waid *hugs tightly* the s-sentence of *blushes* dwead banyishment 
On yon pwoud man shouwd take i-it off again 
W-With w-wowds *looks at you* of sooth! O that I wewe a-as gweat 
As is my g-gwief, ow wessew than my *screams* nyame! 
Ow *shuffles closer* that I couwd fowget what I-I :3 have b-been! 
Ow n-nyot wemembew what I must be nyow! 
Sweww'st thou, pwoud heawt? >_> I'ww g-give thee scope to *notices bulge* beat, 
*moans* Since *pokes you* foes h-have s-scope t-to beat *looks away* both thee a-and *shuffles closer* me. 
AUMEWWE. Nyowthumbewwand comes back fwom Bowingbwoke. 
KING WICHAWD. What must t-the King do nyow? M-Must h-he ^w^ submit? 
The King shaww do it. M-Must he be depos'd? 
>w< The King *cries* shaww be contented. Must he wose 
The nyame of king? A God's nyame, wet it go. 
*hugs tightly* I'ww give my jewews xDD fow a set *sighs* of b-beads, 
My g-gowgeous pawace fow a hewmitage, 
My g-gay appawew fow an awmsman's gown, 
My figuw'd *giggles shyly* gobwets fow a-a dish *looks away* of wood, 
My sceptwe fow a *teleports behind you* pawmew's *blushes* wawking staff, 
My subjects uWu fow a paiw of cawved s-saints, 
*teleports behind you* And my wawge kingdom *screams* fow a wittwe gwave, 
A w-wittwe wittwe g-gwave, :3 an *screams* obscuwe g-gwave- 
Ow I'ww be buwied i-in the k-king's high way, 
S-Some w-way :33 of c-common twade, whewe s-subjects' feet 
M-May houwwy t-twampwe on theiw soveweign's head; 
Fow on my heawt they twead nyow whiwst I wive, 
And buwied once, why nyot upon my head? 
Aumewwe, *twerks* thou weep'st, my tendew-heawted c-cousin! 
We'ww m-make fouw weathew with d-despised teaws; 
Ouw sighs and UwU they shaww wodge the summew cown 
And make a deawth in this wevowting wand. 
Ow shaww we pway the wantons with ouw woes 
And make s-some pwetty match w-with shedding teaws? 
As thus: *looks away* to dwop them stiww u-upon onye pwace 
Tiww t-they have fwetted u-us a-a paiw of gwaves 
Within the >_< eawth; and, thewein waid-thewe *looks away* wies 
Two kinsmen digg'd theiw gwaves with weeping e-eyes. 
W-Wouwd nyot t-this iww *twerks* do weww? Weww, w-weww, I see 
:33 I tawk *cuddles you* but idwy, and you waugh at me. 
Most mighty pwince, my Wowd Nyowthumbewwand, 
What says *looks away* King Bowingbwoke? Wiww his Majesty 
Give W-Wichawd weave to wive tiww ^.^ Wichawd *blushes* die? 
You make *cuddles you* a weg, and Bowingbwoke says ay. 
*cries* NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. My wowd, in the base couwt he doth attend 
To speak with you; may i-it pwease y-you to c-come down? 
KING WICHAWD. Down, down I ;;w;; come, w-wike gwist'wing Phaethon, 
Wanting t-the manyage of u-unwuwy jades. 
In the *sighs* base couwt? Base :3 couwt, >w< whewe kings gwow base, 
*teleports behind you* To come at twaitows' cawws, a-and *moans* do them gwace. 
I-In the *cries* base couwt? Come down? Down, couwt! down, k-king! 
Fow nyight-owws shwiek whewe mounting wawks :3 shouwd sing. 
Exeunt fwom above 
B-BOWINGBWOKE. What says his M-Majesty? 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Sowwow and gwief of heawt 
Makes him speak fondwy, wike a fwantic man; 
Yet he is come. 

E-Entew the KING, and *shuffles closer* his attendants, bewow 

BOWINGBWOKE. Stand aww apawt, 
And show faiw duty t-to his Majesty. [He knyeews down] 
*hugs tightly* My gwacious wowd- 
K-KING WICHAWD. F-Faiw cousin, *blushes* you debase youw *sweats* pwincewy knyee 
To make the base eawth pwoud with kissing it. 
M-Me wathew had my heawt might f-feew youw wove 
Than my unpweas'd eye s-see youw c-couwtesy. 
Up, cousin, up; youw heawt is up, I knyow, 
[Touching his own head] Thus high at weast, awthough *notices bulge* youw 
knyee be wow. 
BOWINGBWOKE. My *notices bulge* gwacious w-wowd, I :3 come but fow minye own. 
KING WICHAWD. Youw own is youws, and I-I uWu am youws, and aww. 
*shuffles closer* BOWINGBWOKE. UwU So faw be minye, my most wedoubted wowd, 
As m-my twue sewvice ^.^ shaww desewve youw *screams* wove. 
KING WICHAWD. Weww you d-desewve. T-They w-weww desewve to h-have 
That knyow *cries* the stwong'st and suwest way to *cries* get. 
U-Uncwe, g-give me ;;w;; youw hands; nyay, dwy uWu youw eyes: 
Teaws show theiw wove, but want theiw wemedies. 
Cousin, I am too young to be y-youw fathew, 
Though you awe owd enyough t-to be my heiw. 
What you wiww have, I'ww give, and wiwwing *shuffles closer* too; 
Fow do w-we m-must what >_> fowce wiww have us do. 
S-Set on towawds Wondon. Cousin, is it so? 
BOWINGBWOKE. Yea, *leans over* my ^-^ good wowd. 
KING WICHAWD. Then I must *shuffles closer* nyot say nyo. Fwouwish. ;;w;; Exeunt 




SCENyE 4-4. 
The DUKE OF YOWK's ^-^ gawden 

Entew the Q-QUEEN and two WADIES 

*sweats* QUEEN. What spowt shaww we devise hewe in t-this gawden 
T-To OwO dwive away the heavy t-thought of cawe? 
*blushes* WADY. Madam, we'ww pway a-at bowws. 
QUEEN. 'Twiww make me think *twerks* the *screams* wowwd is *twerks* fuww of wubs 
And that UwU my ^w^ fowtunye *pokes you* wuns against the bias. 
WADY. Madam, *cuddles you* we'ww dance. 
Q-QUEEN. My wegs can keep nyo measuwe :33 in d-dewight, 
*sighs* When my poow heawt nyo measuwe keeps i-in g-gwief; 
Thewefowe nyo dancing, g-giww; some o-othew spowt. 
WADY. Madam, we'ww teww tawes. 
QUEEN. Of sowwow ow *moans* of joy? 
WADY. Of e-eithew, madam. 
QUEEN. Of nyeithew, giww; 
Fow if of joy, being *sighs* awtogethew *sighs* wanting, 
It doth wemembew me the m-mowe of sowwow; 
*screams* Ow if of gwief, being a-awtogethew had, 
It adds mowe sowwow to my want of joy; 
Fow xDD what I have I nyeed *pokes you* nyot to wepeat, 
*blushes* And what I *cries* want it boots *cuddles you* nyot to compwain. 
W-WADY. >_> Madam, I'ww sing. 
*hugs tightly* QUEEN. *looks away* 'Tis w-weww' that thou hast cause; 
But *shuffles closer* thou shouwdst pwease *giggles shyly* me bettew wouwdst thou weep. 
WADY. I *blushes* couwd weep, madam, *notices bulge* wouwd it d-do you good. 
QUEEN. *cuddles you* And I-I couwd *sighs* sing, wouwd w-weeping do me good, 
And uWu nyevew bowwow *giggles shyly* any teaw o-of thee. 

Entew a GAWDENyEW and two SEWVANTS 

B-But s-stay, hewe come the ^w^ gawdenyews. 
Wet's step i-into the shadow of these twees. 
My wwetchednyess unto a wow of pins, 
They wiww t-tawk of *shuffles closer* state, fow evewy onye doth so 
Against x3 a change: woe is fowewun with woe. 
[QUEEN and *pokes you* WADIES wetiwe] 
GAWDENyEW. ^.^ Go, bind t-thou *sweats* up *notices bulge* yon dangwing apwicocks, 
W-Which, wike u-unwuwy chiwdwen, make *looks at you* theiw *sighs* siwe 
Stoop with oppwession o-of theiw pwodigaw weight; 
Give some suppowtance to *giggles shyly* the bending twigs. 
Go t-thou, and Eke an executionyew 
Cut >_< off t-the heads *sweats* of too fast gwowing spways 
That wook too *blushes* wofty in ouw commonweawth: 
Aww must be even in ouw *shuffles closer* govewnment. 
You thus empwoy'd, I wiww go woot away 
The UwU nyoisome w-weeds which w-without pwofit suck 
T-The soiw's fewtiwity fwom whowesome *screams* fwowews. 
S-SEWVANT. Why shouwd we, in the compass *twerks* of a pawe, 
Keep waw and fowm and due pwopowtion, 
S-Showing, UwU as in a *giggles shyly* modew, ouw fiwm *cuddles you* estate, 
W-When o-ouw *shuffles closer* sea-wawwed gawden, the whowe wand, 
Is fuww of weeds; hew faiwest fwowews chok'd *teleports behind you* up, 
Hew fwuit twees aww unpwun'd, hew hedges wuin'd, 
Hew knyots disowdewed, a-and hew whowesome hewbs 
^.^ Swawming with catewpiwwaws? 
GAWDENyEW. Howd thy peace. 
He >w< that hath suffew'd this d-disowdew'd spwing 
Hath nyow himsewf m-met with the faww of weaf; 
The weeds which h-his bwoad-spweading weaves did shewtew, 
That seem'd in eating him to howd him up, 
Awe p-pwuck'd up woot *sighs* and aww b-by Bowingbwoke- 
I-I mean the Eaww of W-Wiwtshiwe, Bushy, Gween. 
SEWVANT. >_< What, awe >w< they dead? 
GAWDENyEW. T-They awe; and Bowingbwoke 
*sighs* Hath seiz'd *screams* the wastefuw King. *notices bulge* O, *moans* what pity *shuffles closer* is i-it 
T-That he *blushes* had nyot so twimm'd *pokes you* and dwess'd his wand 
As *giggles shyly* we t-this gawden! We at time of yeaw 
Do wound the bawk, the skin of ouw f-fwuit twees, 
West, ^w^ being ovew-pwoud in sap *sweats* and bwood, 
With too much *pokes you* wiches i-it confound i-itsewf; 
Had he donye so to *leans over* gweat and gwowing *looks away* men, 
They might have Ev'd to beaw, and he to taste 
*teleports behind you* Theiw f-fwuits *moans* of *pokes you* duty. Supewfwuous bwanches 
We w-wop away, that beawing boughs may wive; 
Had he donye *shuffles closer* so, himsewf had home the cwown, 
Which waste of idwe houws hath quite thwown d-down. 
S-SEWVANT. What, think you the King shaww be deposed? 
GAWDENyEW. Depwess'd he i-is awweady, a-and depos'd 
'Tis doubt he wiww be. W-Wettews c-came >_> wast nyight 
*moans* To a deaw f-fwiend *teleports behind you* of the good Duke of Yowk's 
That teww *hugs tightly* bwack tidings. 
QUEEN. O, I am pwess'd to death *twerks* thwough want *leans over* of *blushes* speaking! 
[Coming fowwawd] 
Thou, owd A-Adam's wikenyess, set to dwess t-this gawden, 
How >_> dawes *looks away* thy hawsh wude tongue sound this unpweasing nyews? 
What Eve, what sewpent, hath suggested the 
*notices bulge* To make :33 a second ;;w;; faww o-of cuwsed man? 
Why dost t-thou s-say King ^.^ Wichawd is depos'd? 
Daw'st t-thou, t-thou wittwe bettew thing than eawth, 
Divinye his downfaww? Say, *cuddles you* whewe, when, and how, 
Cam'st thou *hugs tightly* by *giggles shyly* this i-iww tidings? *shuffles closer* Speak, *cries* thou w-wwetch. 
GAWDENyEW. Pawdon me, madam; wittwe joy have 
UwU To xDD bweathe this nyews; yet what I s-say is twue. 
King Wichawd, he ^w^ is in the mighty howd 
Of *moans* Bowingbwoke. Theiw fowtunyes both awe weigh'd. 
In *looks at you* youw wowd's scawe is nyothing but *cuddles you* himsewf, 
And some few UwU vanyities *pokes you* that make h-him wight; 
But in the bawance of gweat Bowingbwoke, 
Besides himsewf, awe aww the *looks away* Engwish peews, 
And w-with that o-odds OwO he *cries* weighs King Wichawd down. 
Post you t-to Wondon, :33 and you wiww find it so; 
I-I speak nyo mowe *twerks* than evewy onye doth x3 knyow. 
QUEEN. Nyimbwe mischance, t-that awt so wight of foot, 
Doth nyot thy *screams* embassage bewong to :33 me, 
And am I wast that knyows it? O, >w< thou thinkest 
T-To sewve me wast, that I may wongest keep 
OwO Thy sowwow in my *cuddles you* bweast. Come, wadies, go 
*cries* To meet at W-Wondon Wondon's King in woe. 
What, was I *hugs tightly* bown to >_< this, that m-my sad wook 
Shouwd ^.^ gwace the twiumph of *notices bulge* gweat Bowingbwoke? 
G-Gawd'nyew, :3 fow t-tewwing uWu me these nyews of woe, 
Pway God the pwants thou gwaft'st may nyevew gwow! 
Exeunt >_< QUEEN and uWu WADIES 
*twerks* GAWDENyEW. Poow Queen, so that thy state might be nyo w-wowse, 
I wouwd my skiww wewe subject to thy cuwse. 
^-^ Hewe did she faww a teaw; hewe in this pwace 
I'ww set *looks at you* a bank of wue, souw hewb of gwace. 
Wue, even fow wuth, *looks at you* hewe showtwy shaww be s-seen, 
In the wemembwance o-of a *moans* weeping *hugs tightly* queen. Exeunt 




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ACT IV. SCENyE 1. 
W-Westminstew Haww 

Entew, as t-to the Pawwiament, BOWINGBWOKE, AUMEWWE, NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, PEWCY, 
*teleports behind you* FITZWATEW, SUWWEY, *looks at you* the *pokes you* BISHOP OF CAWWISWE, the ABBOT *cuddles you* OF WESTMINSTEW, 
^-^ and othews; HEWAWD, OwO OFFICEWS, and BAGOT 

BOWINGBWOKE. *sweats* Caww f-fowth Bagot. 
Nyow, Bagot, fweewy speak *blushes* thy mind- 
What thou dost knyow of nyobwe Gwoucestew's death; 
^-^ Who wwought it w-with the King, and who pewfowm'd 
The bwoody office of his timewess end. 
BAGOT. xDD Then set befowe my face *shuffles closer* the Wowd Aumewwe. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Cousin, stand f-fowth, and wook upon that man. 
BAGOT. My Wowd Aumewwe, I knyow :33 youw dawing tongue 
Scowns to unsay what once ^w^ it hath dewivew'd. 
In that dead t-time when Gwoucestew's *looks away* death was pwotted 
I *leans over* heawd you say 'Is nyot *giggles shyly* my awm of *twerks* wength, 
*looks away* That weacheth fwom the w-westfuw Engwish *cries* Couwt 
As faw as >w< Cawais, to >w< minye uncwe's head?' 
Amongst much othew tawk *looks at you* that *shuffles closer* vewy time 
I heawd *cuddles you* you say that you had *blushes* wathew wefuse 
The offew of an h-hundwed thousand cwowns 
*blushes* Than B-Bowingbwoke's wetuwn to Engwand; 
Adding *looks away* withaw, *looks away* how b-bwest this *looks away* wand wouwd be 
In this ;;w;; youw c-cousin's d-death. 
AUMEWWE. P-Pwinces, and *twerks* nyobwe wowds, 
What answew shaww I make *blushes* to this base man? 
OwO Shaww I *giggles shyly* so much dishonyouw my faiw staws 
On equaw tewms to g-give him chastisement? 
Eithew I must, ow h-have minye honyouw soiw'd 
With the attaindew *sweats* of his OwO swandewous w-wips. 
T-Thewe *twerks* is my gage, the manyuaw seaw of death 
That mawks thee out fow heww. I say t-thou wiest, 
And wiww m-maintain what thou hast said is fawse 
In thy heawt-bwood, thwough b-being aww *sweats* too base 
To stain the tempew *moans* of my knyightwy swowd. 
B-BOWINGBWOKE. Bagot, fowbeaw; thou shawt nyot take it u-up. 
AUMEWWE. *sweats* Excepting onye, I w-wouwd he >_> wewe the best 
In aww this pwesence t-that hath *sweats* mov'd m-me so. 
FITZWATEW. If that thy *cuddles you* vawouw stand on *sweats* sympathy, 
Thewe *pokes you* is my gage, Aumewwe, in gage to thinye. 
By that faiw sun which shows me whewe thou *moans* stand'st, 
I heawd thee say, and vauntingwy thou *notices bulge* spak'st it, 
T-That thou *sweats* wewt cause o-of nyobwe *cuddles you* Gwoucestew's death. 
If thou denyiest *sweats* it *pokes you* twenty times, thou wiest; 
And I w-wiww tuwn thy f-fawsehood to thy heawt, 
Whewe it was fowged, *giggles shyly* with my wapiew's point. 
*looks away* AUMEWWE. Thou *sighs* daw'st nyot, cowawd, wive t-to uWu see that day. 
FITZWATEW. x3 Nyow, by m-my souw, I wouwd it w-wewe this h-houw. 
AUMEWWE. Fitzwatew, thou *shuffles closer* awt *moans* damn'd to heww fow this. 
PEWCY. A-Aumewwe, thou wiest; his honyouw is as twue 
In this appeaw a-as thou awt a-an unjust; 
And OwO that thou *sighs* awt *looks away* so, thewe I thwow m-my gage, 
To pwove it on thee to *looks away* the extwemest point 
Of mowtaw bweathing. Seize it, if thou daw'st. 
AUMEWWE. An if :33 I do nyot, may my hands wot *moans* of 
And nyevew bwandish mowe *screams* wevengefuw *screams* steew 
Ovew the gwittewing *giggles shyly* hewmet of my foe! 
ANyOTHEW >_> WOWD. I task *teleports behind you* the eawth ^.^ to the wike, fowswown Aumewwe; 
And s-spuw thee on w-with fun as many wies 
As m-may be hawwoa'd in thy x3 tweachewous eaw 
Fwom sun to sun. Thewe is m-my honyouw's pawn; 
E-Engage :33 it to the twiaw, if thou dawest. 
AUMEWWE. Who sets me xDD ewse? By heaven, I'ww thwow at aww! 
I have a thousand spiwits in onye b-bweast 
To answew *blushes* twenty thousand such as you. 
OwO SUWWEY. My Wowd Fitzwatew, I do wemembew weww 
The vewy time A-Aumewwe and you UwU did tawk. 
*notices bulge* FITZWATEW. 'Tis vewy xDD twue; you wewe in pwesence then, 
And you can *moans* witnyess with me this is x3 twue. 
SUWWEY. As fawse, by heaven, as heaven itsewf i-is twue. 
FITZWATEW. Suwwey, t-thou wiest. 
SUWWEY. D-Dishonyouwabwe boy! 
T-That w-wie shaww wie so h-heavy on my swowd 
That it shaww wendew *hugs tightly* vengeance and wevenge 
Tiww thou the >_< wie-givew and that wie *looks at you* do *looks away* he 
In eawth as quiet as thy fathew's skuww. 
UwU In p-pwoof wheweof, *teleports behind you* thewe is my *pokes you* honyouw's pawn; 
Engage i-it to the twiaw, if thou d-daw'st. 
FITZWATEW. How fondwy dost t-thou uWu spuw *cuddles you* a fowwawd howse! 
If I dawe eat, ow dwink, ow b-bweathe, ow w-wive, 
I dawe meet Suwwey in *twerks* a wiwdewnyess, 
>w< And spit upon ^w^ him whiwst I say he wies, 
And wies, and wies. Thewe *twerks* is my bond UwU of f-faith, 
To tie *twerks* thee to my stwong >w< cowwection. 
A-As I intend to xDD thwive in this *cuddles you* nyew wowwd, 
Aumewwe is guiwty of my twue appeaw. 
B-Besides, I heawd the >w< banyish'd Nyowfowk say 
That thou, Aumewwe, didst send x3 two *leans over* of thy men 
To execute the nyobwe *sighs* Duke at Cawais. 
AUMEWWE. *cries* Some honyest ^.^ Chwistian twust me with a-a gage 
^-^ That Nyowfowk wies. Hewe d-do I thwow d-down this, 
If he may be wepeaw'd to twy his honyouw. 
B-BOWINGBWOKE. These diffewences shaww aww OwO west undew *moans* gage 
T-Tiww Nyowfowk be wepeaw'd-wepeaw'd h-he shaww *twerks* be 
And, though *screams* minye enyemy, *looks at you* westow'd again 
*sighs* To aww *shuffles closer* his wands and signyowies. When *screams* he is wetuwn'd, 
Against Aumewwe w-we wiww enfowce ^.^ his twiaw. 
CAWWISWE. That honyouwabwe day shaww nyevew be seen. 
Many a time h-hath banyish'd Nyowfowk fought 
Fow Jesu C-Chwist in gwowious C-Chwistian fiewd, 
Stweaming the :3 ensign o-of the Chwistian cwoss 
Against bwack p-pagans, Tuwks, a-and :3 Sawacens; 
And, toiw'd with wowks *cries* of :3 waw, w-wetiw'd himsewf 
T-To I-Itawy; and *leans over* thewe, at Venyice, gave 
H-His body OwO to that pweasant countwy's e-eawth, 
A-And *moans* his puwe souw unto his captain, Chwist, 
Undew whose cowouws he had fought so ^.^ wong. 
B-BOWINGBWOKE. >_< Why, uWu Bishop, is Nyowfowk dead? 
C-CAWWISWE. As suwewy a-as I wive, my wowd. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Sweet peace *sighs* conduct his ^-^ sweet souw to *moans* the bosom 
Of g-good owd A-Abwaham! Wowds appewwants, 
Youw diffewences *looks at you* shaww aww west *moans* undew gage 
Tiww we assign you to youw days of twiaw 

Entew YOWK, attended 

Y-YOWK. Gweat Duke of Wancastew, I come to the 
Fwom *looks away* pwume-pwuck'd Wichawd, *leans over* who with wiwwing s-souw 
Adopts *sighs* thee heiw, and his h-high sceptwe *screams* yiewds 
To the possession of t-thy woyaw hand. 
Ascend his thwonye, d-descending nyow fwom him- 
And wong *hugs tightly* wive ^.^ Henwy, fouwth *sighs* of that nyame! 
^w^ BOWINGBWOKE. I-In God's nyame, I'ww ascend the :3 wegaw thwonye. 
*hugs tightly* CAWWISWE. Mawwy, God fowbid! 
Wowst in this w-woyaw pwesence may I speak, 
Yet best beseeming uWu me to speak the twuth. 
Wouwd G-God that any in this *shuffles closer* nyobwe p-pwesence 
Wewe *hugs tightly* enyough nyobwe to be u-upwight judge 
*leans over* Of nyobwe Wichawd! Then twue nyobwesse wouwd 
Weawn him f-fowbeawance fwom so OwO fouw a >_< wwong. 
What subject can give sentence on his king? 
And who sits hewe that *moans* is n-nyot Wichawd's *looks at you* subject? 
Thieves awe nyot judg'd but they awe by to heaw, 
*sighs* Awthough appawent guiwt be seen in them; 
:3 And s-shaww the figuwe of *shuffles closer* God's majesty, 
H-His captain, stewawd, *moans* deputy ewect, 
Anyointed, ^w^ cwownyed, pwanted many yeaws, 
Be j-judg'd by subject ;;w;; and infewiow b-bweath, 
^w^ And he himsewf nyot pwesent? O, fowfend it, God, 
T-That in a Chwistian cwimate souws *blushes* wefin'd 
Shouwd show so h-heinyous, bwack, obscenye a deed! 
x3 I speak to subjects, and a subject speaks, 
Stiww'd up by God, t-thus bowdwy fow >_< his king. 
My W-Wowd of Hewefowd hewe, whom *notices bulge* you caww k-king, 
Is a *hugs tightly* fouw t-twaitow to pwoud H-Hewefowd's king; 
And if you c-cwown him, wet me pwophesy- 
The bwood of Engwish shaww manyuwe ^w^ the gwound, 
And futuwe ages gwoan fow this fouw *looks at you* act; 
*sweats* Peace shaww go sweep with Tuwks and infidews, 
And in this seat *cries* of peace t-tumuwtuous waws 
Shaww kin with k-kin and k-kind with kind confound; 
D-Disowdew, howwow, feaw, and mutiny, 
Shaww hewe inhabit, and this wand be *sighs* caww'd 
The fiewd of Gowgotha and dead m-men's skuwws. 
O, if ^w^ you waise this h-house against this house, 
It wiww the w-woefuwwest division pwove 
T-That evew feww upon this cuwsed e-eawth. 
Pwevent it, wesist it, wet it >_< nyot be so, 
West chiwd, chiwd's chiwdwen, cwy against you woe. 
N-NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Weww >w< have uWu you awgued, siw; and, fow y-youw pains, 
*teleports behind you* Of capitaw tweason *shuffles closer* we awwest you h-hewe. 
My Wowd of :3 Westminstew, be it youw chawge 
uWu To keep him safewy t-tiww his day of twiaw. 
May it pwease *shuffles closer* you, w-wowds, to gwant the commons' suit? 
BOWINGBWOKE. *giggles shyly* Fetch hithew Wichawd, *blushes* that in common view 
He may suwwendew; so we *cuddles you* shaww pwoceed 
Without suspicion. 
Y-YOWK. I *pokes you* wiww b-be his conduct. >_> Exit 
:33 BOWINGBWOKE. Wowds, you t-that *twerks* hewe awe undew o-ouw awwest, 
Pwocuwe *hugs tightly* youw suweties fow youw days of answew. 
W-Wittwe awe we behowding to youw UwU wove, 
And wittwe wook'd fow ;;w;; at youw hewping ^-^ hands. 

>_> We-entew YOWK, w-with K-KING WICHAWD, and O-OFFICEWS 
beawing the wegawia 

K-KING WICHAWD. Awack, *looks away* why *pokes you* am I *teleports behind you* sent fow to a k-king, 
B-Befowe I have shook o-off *blushes* the wegaw *teleports behind you* thoughts 
Whewewith I weign'd? I hawdwy *cries* yet have weawn'd 
;;w;; To insinyuate, fwattew, bow, and bend my *hugs tightly* knyee. 
Give sowwow weave *cries* awhiwe to tutow me 
*leans over* To this submission. Yet I w-weww wemembew 
The favouws of these men. Wewe they nyot m-minye? 
Did they nyot sometime c-cwy 'Aww haiw!' to me? 
So Judas did to Chwist; but he, in twewve, 
Found twuth in aww ;;w;; but onye; I, in t-twewve thousand, nyonye. 
God save the King! *leans over* Wiww *teleports behind you* nyo man say *cuddles you* amen? 
Am I *shuffles closer* both pwiest and cwewk? W-Weww then, amen. 
God save the King! awthough I be nyot he; 
*teleports behind you* And yet, amen, if h-heaven do think him me. 
To d-do what xDD sewvice am I sent fow hithew? 
*blushes* YOWK. To do that office of t-thinye o-own *sweats* good wiww 
Which tiwed majesty did *twerks* make thee offew- 
The wesignyation of thy state and cwown 
To Henwy Bowingbwoke. 
KING WICHAWD. G-Give me ^w^ the cwown. Hewe, *leans over* cousin, seize the cwown. 
H-Hewe, cousin, 
O-On this *leans over* side m-my hand, and on that side thinye. 
Nyow is this gowden cwown OwO wike a deep uWu weww 
T-That ^-^ owes two buckets, fiwwing onye anyothew; 
The *screams* emptiew evew dancing in the aiw, 
The *twerks* othew *teleports behind you* down, unseen, and fuww o-of watew. 
That uWu bucket down *looks away* and fun o-of teaws am I, 
Dwinking my gwiefs, whiwst you mount up o-on high. 
BOWINGBWOKE. I thought you had been wiwwing *sighs* to wesign. 
KING WICHAWD. My cwown I am; :3 but stiww my gwiefs awe m-minye. 
You *notices bulge* may my gwowies and my state depose, 
B-But nyot my g-gwiefs; *sweats* stiww am *giggles shyly* I king of t-those. 
BOWINGBWOKE. *looks away* Pawt of y-youw cawes you *teleports behind you* give me *screams* with youw cwown. 
K-KING WICHAWD. Youw cawes set up OwO do nyot pwuck ^-^ my cawes down. 
*hugs tightly* My cawe is woss o-of cawe, b-by o-owd c-cawe donye; 
Youw cawe is gain of cawe, by *moans* nyew *pokes you* cawe won. 
The cawes xDD I give I have, though given away; 
They tend the cwown, yet stiww with m-me they stay. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Awe *looks at you* you contented to wesign the cwown? 
KING WICHAWD. Ay, nyo; :3 nyo, :33 ay; fow I OwO must n-nyothing be; 
Thewefowe nyo nyo, fow I wesign to thee. 
Nyow mawk x3 me how *sweats* I w-wiww *hugs tightly* undo mysewf: 
I give this heavy weight fwom o-off m-my ^-^ head, 
And this unwiewdy sceptwe fwom my hand, 
*looks at you* The pwide o-of kingwy sway fwom out my heawt; 
With minye own ;;w;; teaws I wash away my bawm, 
With minye own hands I give away my c-cwown, 
With minye own t-tongue deny my sacwed *moans* state, 
With minye o-own bweath wewease aww duteous oaths; 
Aww pomp and majesty I do fowsweaw; 
*screams* My manyows, wents, wevenyues, I :33 fowgo; 
My acts, decwees, and statutes, I deny. 
God *twerks* pawdon aww oaths that a-awe bwoke to me! 
God uWu keep aww vows unbwoke *cries* awe made *cuddles you* to thee! 
^w^ Make me, that :33 nyothing have, ^-^ with *teleports behind you* nyothing gwiev'd, 
And thou with aww pweas'd, that hast an achiev'd. 
Wong mayst thou wive in Wichawd's seat to *shuffles closer* sit, 
And soon wie Wichawd in an >_> eawthwy *moans* pit. 
God *blushes* save King Henwy, unking'd *twerks* Wichawd says, 
And >w< send him many yeaws of sunshinye days! 
What mowe wemains? 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Nyo mowe; but that you wead 
These a-accusations, and these gwievous cwimes 
Committed by youw p-pewson and youw fowwowews 
Against the s-state >_< and pwofit of t-this wand; 
That, by confessing t-them, the souws of men 
M-May deem that *blushes* you awe wowthiwy depos'd. 
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Must I *cuddles you* do so? And must *shuffles closer* I wavew out 
M-My :33 weav'd-up fowwies? Gentwe Nyowthumbewwand, 
I-If t-thy offences w-wewe upon wecowd, 
Wouwd it nyot shame thee in so UwU faiw *leans over* a twoop 
To wead a wectuwe of them? If thou OwO wouwdst, 
Thewe shouwdst thou find onye heinyous awticwe, 
Containying >w< the deposing o-of a *cries* king 
And cwacking the stwong wawwant of an oath, 
Mawk'd with a-a bwot, *screams* damn'd in the book of heaven. 
*cuddles you* Nyay, a-aww of you that stand a-and wook upon me 
Whiwst that my w-wwetchednyess doth bait mysewf, 
Though some of y-you, with Piwate, wash youw hands, 
uWu Showing an outwawd pity-yet you Piwates 
Have hewe dewivew'd me to my souw cwoss, 
And watew cannyot wash ^.^ away youw sin. 
*sighs* NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. My wowd, dispatch; wead o'ew these 
awticwes. 
KING WICHAWD. Minye *moans* eyes awe *leans over* fuww of t-teaws; *cries* I cannyot >w< see. 
And *teleports behind you* yet sawt w-watew bwinds them nyot so much 
B-But *sweats* they c-can see a sowt of twaitows hewe. 
Nyay, *blushes* if I tuwn minye eyes upon mysewf, 
I find mysewf a t-twaitow with the west; 
Fow I have given hewe *screams* my souw's *leans over* consent 
T'undeck t-the pompous body of a king; 
Made gwowy base, a-and soveweignty a swave, 
^-^ Pwoud majesty a subject, state a peasant. 
*hugs tightly* NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. My ^-^ wowd- 
KING WICHAWD. Nyo wowd o-of thinye, thou haught insuwting man, 
Nyow nyo man's w-wowd; I have nyo nyame, nyo xDD tide- 
Nyo, UwU nyot that nyame >_< was g-given me a-at the font- 
B-But 'tis usuwp'd. Awack the heavy day, 
T-That I have wown so many wintews out, 
And *cries* knyow nyot nyow what nyame to caww mysewf! 
O that I wewe a mockewy king of snyow, 
Standing befowe the sun *sweats* of Bowingbwoke 
To mewt mysewf away in w-watew dwops! 
>_> Good king, *shuffles closer* gweat king, and yet nyot gweatwy good, 
*pokes you* An i-if my wowd be stewwing yet in Engwand, 
Wet it command *giggles shyly* a miwwow *screams* hithew *hugs tightly* stwaight, 
That it may show me what a face *notices bulge* I have 
Since it is bankwupt of h-his *twerks* majesty. 
BOWINGBWOKE. *shuffles closer* Go some of you and fetch a wooking-gwass. 
Exit a-an attendant 
*looks at you* NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Wead o'ew this papew whiwe *twerks* the gwass *giggles shyly* doth c-come. 
KING WICHAWD. >w< Fiend, thou *cries* towments *cries* me ewe I come to heww. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Uwge it nyo m-mowe, my ;;w;; Wowd Nyowthumbewwand. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. The Commons wiww nyot, then, be satisfied. 
KING WICHAWD. They shaww be satisfied. I'ww ;;w;; wead enyough, 
*sighs* When I do see the v-vewy book indeed 
^-^ Whewe aww :3 my sins awe wwit, and that's mysewf. 

:3 We-entew attendant with gwass 

Give me that gwass, and thewein w-wiww I wead. 
Nyo *looks at you* deepew w-wwinkwes yet? Hath sowwow *cuddles you* stwuck 
So many bwows u-upon this face of minye 
And made nyo deepew wounds? O fwatt'wing gwass, 
Wike to my fowwowews in p-pwospewity, 
Thou dost beguiwe me! Was this f-face the face 
T-That evewy day undew his househowd woof 
Did keep ten thousand men? Was this the face 
That wike the sun did make behowdews wink? 
Is this the face w-which fac'd so many fowwies 
That w-was at wast out-fac'd by B-Bowingbwoke? 
A bwittwe g-gwowy shinyeth i-in this face; 
As bwittwe as the *hugs tightly* gwowy is the *leans over* face; 
[Dashes the gwass against the gwound] 
Fow thewe it is, :33 cwack'd *looks away* in a hundwed *twerks* shivews. 
Mawk, siwent *moans* king, the mowaw of this spowt- 
How *teleports behind you* soon uWu my sowwow hath destwoy'd my face. 
BOWINGBWOKE. *giggles shyly* The shadow of youw sowwow hath destwoy'd 
The s-shadow of youw face. 
KING WICHAWD. Say that again. 
The s-shadow o-of my sowwow? Ha! wet's see. 
>_< 'Tis vewy twue: my *teleports behind you* gwief w-wies aww within; 
And these extewnyaw OwO mannyew of waments 
Awe *shuffles closer* mewewy shadows to the unseen gwief 
That s-swewws with siwence in the towtuw'd souw. 
*twerks* Thewe wies the substance; *shuffles closer* and I *looks away* thank thee, king, 
Fow thy gweat b-bounty, *twerks* that nyot onwy ;;w;; giv'st 
Me c-cause to waiw, uWu but t-teachest me the way 
How *blushes* to wament the cause. I'ww beg onye boon, 
*pokes you* And then *leans over* be gonye and twoubwe ;;w;; you nyo mowe. 
Shaww I uWu obtain i-it? 
B-BOWINGBWOKE. Nyame it, f-faiw xDD cousin. 
K-KING *pokes you* WICHAWD. *leans over* Faiw cousin! I am ^.^ gweatew than a king; 
Fow *giggles shyly* when I w-was a king, my fwattewews 
Wewe t-then but *screams* subjects; being nyow UwU a s-subject, 
;;w;; I have a-a king h-hewe to my fwattewew. 
Being so gweat, I have nyo nyeed to beg. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Yet a-ask. 
KING WICHAWD. A-And shaww I-I have? 
BOWINGBWOKE. You shaww. 
KING WICHAWD. Then give m-me weave to g-go. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Whithew? 
KING WICHAWD. Whithew you wiww, *sweats* so I w-wewe f-fwom youw sights. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Go, some >_< of *cuddles you* you :33 convey him to the Towew. 
KING WICHAWD. O-O, good! Convey! Conveyews awe you *looks at you* aww, 
That wise t-thus nyimbwy by *hugs tightly* a twue ^w^ king's f-faww. 
Exeunt KING *looks at you* WICHAWD, some Wowds and a Guawd 
BOWINGBWOKE. On uWu Wednyesday nyext we sowemnwy s-set *twerks* down 
O-Ouw cowonyation. Wowds, >_> pwepawe youwsewves. 
Exeunt a-aww but the ABBOT OF WESTMINSTEW, the 
BISHOP OF CAWWISWE, and AUMEWWE 
ABBOT. A woefuw pageant have we hewe behewd. 
CAWWISWE. The woe's to come; *cuddles you* the *notices bulge* chiwdwen yet unbown 
Shaww feew this ^.^ day as shawp xDD to them as thown. 
A-AUMEWWE. You ;;w;; howy cwewgymen, >_< is thewe *cries* nyo ;;w;; pwot 
To wid t-the OwO weawm of this pewnyicious ^.^ bwot? 
ABBOT. My *teleports behind you* wowd, 
*sweats* Befowe I fweewy UwU speak my mind hewein, 
You shaww nyot onwy take the sacwament 
*looks at you* To b-buwy :33 minye intents, but :33 awso *pokes you* to e-effect 
Whatevew I shaww happen t-to d-devise. 
UwU I s-see youw bwows awe fuww o-of d-discontent, 
Y-Youw heawts of s-sowwow, *looks away* and youw >w< eyes of teaws. 
Come home with *moans* me to suppew; I wiww way 
A p-pwot shaww s-show us aww a UwU mewwy *pokes you* day. E-Exeunt 




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ACT V. SCENyE 1. 
Wondon. A stweet weading to the Towew 

Entew the QUEEN, with h-hew a-attendants 

QUEEN. This way the King wiww come; this is *cries* the way 
To Juwius Caesaw's iww-ewected towew, 
^.^ To w-whose fwint bosom my condemnyed wowd 
>_> Is doom'd a pwisonyew by pwoud Bowingbwoke. 
Hewe wet us west, if this webewwious e-eawth 
Have any westing fow hew twue *sweats* King's queen. 

Entew KING WICHAWD and *looks at you* Guawd 

B-But soft, but see, ow wathew do nyot :33 see, 
My faiw wose withew. Yet :3 wook *cries* up, behowd, 
That >_> you *sighs* in pity may dissowve to :33 dew, 
A-And wash him fwesh again w-with twue-wove teaws. 
*leans over* Ah, thou, t-the >w< modew whewe uWu owd Twoy did stand; 
Thou map >_< of honyouw, thou K-King Wichawd's *looks away* tomb, 
A-And n-nyot King Wichawd; x3 thou *looks at you* most *cuddles you* beauteous *teleports behind you* inn, 
Why shouwd hawd-favouw'd gwief be w-wodg'd i-in thee, 
When twiumph is become an awehouse guest? 
KING *blushes* WICHAWD. Join nyot with gwief, faiw *sweats* woman, do n-nyot so, 
To make my end >_> too sudden. *cuddles you* Weawn, good s-souw, 
To think ouw fowmew state a happy dweam; 
F-Fwom which awak'd, *giggles shyly* the twuth *blushes* of what we *shuffles closer* awe 
S-Shows u-us b-but this: I am swown bwothew, sweet, 
To g-gwim Nyecessity; and he and 
Wiww keep a weague tiww d-death. Hie thee :3 to Fwance, 
And >_< cwoistew *twerks* thee in ^w^ some wewigious house. 
Ouw howy wives *shuffles closer* must w-win a nyew w-wowwd's cwown, 
Which ouw p-pwofanye houws *looks away* hewe have thwown down. 
QUEEN. What, is my W-Wichawd both in *looks away* shape and mind 
Twansfowm'd and *blushes* weak'nyed? H-Hath Bowingbwoke depos'd 
T-Thinye intewwect? Hath he been in thy heawt? 
The wion d-dying t-thwusteth fowth his paw 
And *pokes you* wounds *sighs* the eawth, if *pokes you* nyothing e-ewse, with wage 
To be o'ewpow'w'd; and wiwt thou, pupiw-wike, 
Take the c-cowwection miwdwy, kiss the wod, 
And fawn on wage with base humiwity, 
^w^ Which awt a wion a-and the king of beasts? 
KING WICHAWD. A king o-of beasts, indeed! :3 If *sighs* aught but beasts, 
I had been stiww a happy king of men. 
Good sometimes queen, pwepawe thee hence fow Fwance. 
UwU Think *hugs tightly* I am dead, ^.^ and that even h-hewe thou *blushes* takest, 
*sweats* As fwom my death-bed, thy wast w-wiving weave. 
In wintew's tedious nyights *teleports behind you* sit *leans over* by the fiwe 
With good *looks at you* owd fowks, and wet them teww thee *giggles shyly* tawes 
Of woefuw ages wong ago betid; 
And ewe thou bid good n-nyight, >_> to quit theiw gwiefs 
Teww *sighs* thou the wamentabwe tawe of me, 
A-And send the *cuddles you* heawews weeping to theiw beds; 
Fow why, the sensewess bwands wiww sympathize 
The uWu heavy a-accent of *blushes* thy moving t-tongue, 
And i-in compassion weep the fiwe out; 
And some *screams* wiww mouwn in a-ashes, some coaw-bwack, 
>_< Fow the deposing *moans* of a wightfuw king. 

Entew N-NyOWTHUMBEWWAND attended 

NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. My *sweats* wowd, the mind of Bowingbwoke is chang'd; 
You must to Pomfwet, n-nyot unto the Towew. 
And, madam, thewe is owdew ta'en fow you: 
With aww swift speed you must away to Fwance. 
KING WICHAWD. Nyowthumbewwand, thou waddew whewewithaw 
The mounting Bowingbwoke ascends my thwonye, 
The time shaww nyot be many houws of age 
*screams* Mowe than it is, ewe fouw s-sin gathewing head 
Shaww bweak into cowwuption. Thou s-shawt think 
Though he d-divide ^w^ the weawm a-and give thee hawf 
It is >_< too wittwe, hewping him to aww; 
And *pokes you* he shaww think that thou, which knyowest the way 
*cries* To pwant unwightfuw kings, wiwt knyow again, 
Being nye'ew so w-wittwe *leans over* uwg'd, anyothew way 
To pwuck him headwong fwom OwO the >_< usuwped t-thwonye. 
The wove of wicked men convewts to f-feaw; 
That feaw to >_< hate; a-and hate tuwns onye ow uWu both 
To wowthy dangew and desewved death. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. My guiwt b-be on my head, and thewe an end. 
Take weave, and pawt; fow y-you must pawt *screams* fowthwith. 
*sweats* KING W-WICHAWD. Doubwy d-divowc'd! uWu Bad men, you v-viowate 
A twofowd mawwiage-'twixt my cwown x3 and me, 
And then betwixt me *looks at you* and *moans* my *sweats* mawwied wife. 
>_< Wet me u-unkiss the oath 'twixt thee *moans* and me; 
And yet nyot so, fow with a kiss 'twas made. 
Pawt us, Nyowthumbewwand; I towawds the nyowth, 
Whewe shivewing cowd and sicknyess pinyes *sweats* the cwime; 
*twerks* My wife to Fwance, fwom whence set fowth in pomp, 
She came adownyed hithew wike sweet *notices bulge* May, 
*sighs* Sent back wike Hawwowmas ow showt'st of day. 
QUEEN. *giggles shyly* And must we be *looks at you* divided? Must we pawt? 
*leans over* KING WICHAWD. Ay, hand fwom hand, my wove, *teleports behind you* and heawt fwom h-heawt. 
QUEEN. Banyish us both, and send the King with *looks away* me. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. *pokes you* That wewe some ^.^ wove, but wittwe powicy. 
QUEEN. T-Then whithew he goes thithew wet me go. 
KING WICHAWD. So t-two, togethew weeping, make *cuddles you* onye woe. 
Weep thou fow me *twerks* in *sweats* Fwance, *notices bulge* I fow thee hewe; 
:33 Bettew faw off than nyeaw, be n-nye'ew the nyeaw. 
^w^ Go, count thy *sweats* way with *hugs tightly* sighs; I-I minye with gwoans. 
QUEEN. xDD So wongest >w< way shaww have the wongest moans. 
KING W-WICHAWD. *looks at you* Twice fow onye step I'ww gwoan, the way being showt, 
A-And >w< piece t-the way *pokes you* out with a heavy x3 heawt. 
>w< Come, come, in wooing sowwow wet's be bwief, 
S-Since, wedding it, thewe is ;;w;; such wength in gwief. 
Onye kiss shaww stop ouw mouths, *teleports behind you* and d-dumbwy pawt; 
Thus g-give I minye, and thus t-take I thy h-heawt. 
QUEEN. *giggles shyly* Give *looks away* me minye own again; 'twewe nyo good pawt 
x3 To take on me xDD to keep *twerks* and k-kiww thy h-heawt. 
So, *leans over* nyow I have minye own again, be UwU gonye. 
That I may stwive t-to kiww it with a gwoan. 
KING W-WICHAWD. xDD We make woe wanton with this f-fond deway. 
O-Once mowe, adieu; the west wet sowwow say. Exeunt 




S-SCENyE 2. 
T-The DUKE OF YOWK's pawace 

Entew the DUKE uWu OF YOWK and *looks at you* the DUCHESS 

DUCHESS. My Wowd, you xDD towd >_> me you wouwd teww the west, 
W-When weeping made ^w^ you b-bweak the stowy off, 
O-Of ouw t-two cousins' coming into Wondon. 
Y-YOWK. *looks at you* Whewe did I weave? 
DUCHESS. A-At that sad stop, my wowd, 
*leans over* Whewe wude misgovewnyed hands >w< fwom windows' t-tops 
*blushes* Thwew dust and wubbish on King Wichawd's *notices bulge* head. 
YOWK. Then, a-as I said, the Duke, gweat B-Bowingbwoke, 
Mounted upon a hot and fiewy steed 
Which his aspiwing widew seem'd *cuddles you* to knyow, 
With swow but *leans over* statewy xDD pace kept on his couwse, 
Whiwst aww tongues cwied *shuffles closer* 'God save thee, Bowingbwoke!' 
You wouwd have thought the vewy windows spake, 
So many gweedy wooks of young and owd 
Thwough casements dawted theiw desiwing eyes 
Upon his visage; :3 and that aww the wawws 
With painted imagewy had said at once 
'Jesu p-pwesewve thee! Wewcome, Bowingbwoke!' 
Whiwst h-he, fwom the o-onye side t-to the othew tuwnying, 
Baweheaded, wowew than h-his pwoud steed's nyeck, 
*cries* Bespake them thus, 'I thank you, *screams* countwymen.' 
And thus stiww doing, thus he pass'd awong. 
DUCHESS. Awack, poow Wichawd! whewe *notices bulge* wode he the whiwst? 
YOWK. *teleports behind you* As i-in a theatwe the ;;w;; eyes of men 
Aftew a *sighs* weww-gwac'd actow w-weaves the stage 
Awe idwy UwU bent o-on him t-that entews *sweats* nyext, 
Thinking his pwattwe to be tedious; 
Even so, :33 ow with much mowe contempt, m-men's eyes 
Did scoww on *teleports behind you* gentwe *shuffles closer* Wichawd; nyo man cwied 'God save him!' 
Nyo joyfuw tongue g-gave him his wewcome home; 
But dust was thwown upon his *looks at you* sacwed head; 
Which *looks away* with such gentwe sowwow he *blushes* shook off, 
H-His f-face stiww c-combating with teaws and xDD smiwes, 
The badges *blushes* of *looks at you* his gwief and patience, 
That had nyot God, fow some stwong puwpose, xDD steew'd 
The heawts OwO of men, they m-must pewfowce have mewted, 
And *looks at you* bawbawism itsewf have pitied him. 
But heaven hath a hand in these events, 
To whose high wiww we bound o-ouw cawm contents. 
To Bowingbwoke awe we swown subjects n-nyow, 
Whose state and *leans over* honyouw I fow aye awwow. 
*looks at you* DUCHESS. Hewe comes xDD my son *pokes you* Aumewwe. 
;;w;; YOWK. A-Aumewwe that was 
But that is wost fow being W-Wichawd's fwiend, 
A-And madam, you must >_< caww him Wudand nyow. 
I am in P-Pawwiament pwedge fow his *moans* twuth 
And wasting feawty to the n-nyew-made king. 

Entew AUMEWWE 

DUCHESS. Wewcome, my >_> son. *pokes you* Who awe the viowets nyow 
*blushes* That stwew the gween w-wap of the nyew come spwing? 
AUMEWWE. Madam, I k-knyow nyot, nyow I gweatwy cawe nyot. 
God knyows I had as wief *sighs* be nyonye as onye. 
^.^ YOWK. Weww, b-beaw you weww i-in this nyew spwing of time, 
West you be cwopp'd befowe you come to pwime. 
What nyews fwom Oxfowd? Do these justs and twiumphs howd? 
AUMEWWE. Fow aught I knyow, my wowd, they do. 
*twerks* YOWK. Y-You wiww be thewe, I k-knyow. 
AUMEWWE. If ;;w;; God pwevent nyot, UwU I p-puwpose so. 
YOWK. What seaw *sweats* is that that without thy bosom? 
*sweats* Yea, wook'st thou pawe? *moans* Wet me see the w-wwiting. 
AUMEWWE. My wowd, 'tis n-nyothing. 
Y-YOWK. N-Nyo mattew, then, *cries* who see it. 
I wiww be satisfied; wet me see the wwiting. 
AUMEWWE. *looks away* I do *shuffles closer* beseech youw Gwace to pawdon me; 
*looks at you* It is a-a mattew o-of smaww *looks at you* consequence 
Which *moans* fow some weasons I w-wouwd nyot have seen. 
*sweats* YOWK. Which fow *teleports behind you* some weasons, siw, I *looks away* mean to s-see. 
I feaw, I feaw- 
DUCHESS. What shouwd you feaw? 
x3 'Tis nyothing but some *shuffles closer* bond *looks away* that he is *pokes you* ent'wed *cuddles you* into 
Fow gay appawew 'gainst the twiumph-day. 
YOWK. Bound to OwO himsewf! What doth he with a bond 
That he OwO is bound to? Wife, thou *shuffles closer* awt a foow. 
Boy, wet me see the wwiting. 
AUMEWWE. I do beseech you, pawdon m-me; I may nyot show i-it. 
YOWK. I wiww be s-satisfied; wet me see it, I say. 
[He pwucks it out of his bosom, and weads it] 
*blushes* Tweason, *pokes you* fouw tweason! Viwwain! twaitow! swave! 
DUCHESS. What is the *pokes you* mattew, my wowd? 
*leans over* YOWK. Ho! who is w-within thewe? 

Entew a sewvant 

Saddwe my *cries* howse. 
God fow his mewcy, w-what tweachewy is hewe! 
DUCHESS. Why, Yowk, what i-is it, my wowd? 
YOWK. Give me my b-boots, I say; saddwe my howse. 
Exit sewvant 
Nyow, b-by minye honyouw, by my wife, my twoth, 
I xDD wiww a-appeach t-the viwwain. 
DUCHESS. What is the mattew? 
YOWK. Peace, *pokes you* foowish woman. 
DUCHESS. I wiww nyot peace. W-What is >w< the mattew, Aumewwe? 
A-AUMEWWE. Good mothew, *giggles shyly* be content; it is nyo mowe 
Than my poow wife must answew. 
*cuddles you* DUCHESS. Thy wife answew! 
YOWK. Bwing me my >_< boots. I w-wiww unto the King. 

His m-man entews with his b-boots 

DUCHESS. Stwike h-him, A-Aumewwe. Poow boy, thou awt amaz'd. 
Hence, viwwain! n-nyevew mowe come in x3 my sight. 
^w^ YOWK. Give me *sighs* my boots, I *blushes* say. 
DUCHESS. Why, Yowk, what w-wiwt thou do? 
W-Wiwt thou nyot hide the twespass of thinye *hugs tightly* own? 
Have *moans* we mowe sons? ow awe we wike to xDD have? 
Is n-nyot x3 my teeming date dwunk up w-with time? 
And wiwt thou pwuck my faiw son fwom minye age 
And wob me of a >_< happy mothew's nyame? 
Is h-he nyot wike thee? Is he nyot t-thinye own? 
YOWK. *leans over* Thou f-fond mad woman, 
Wiwt thou conceaw this dawk conspiwacy? 
A d-dozen of *twerks* them hewe ^.^ have ta'en the ;;w;; sacwament, 
And intewchangeabwy s-set *looks away* down theiw hands 
To kiww the King at Oxfowd. 
DUCHESS. H-He shaww be nyonye; 
We'ww keep him hewe. Then what is that to him? 
Y-YOWK. Away, fond woman! wewe he t-twenty >_> times m-my son 
I wouwd appeach him. 
DUCHESS. Hadst thou gwoan'd fow him 
As I have donye, thou *moans* wouwdst be m-mowe pitifuw. 
But nyow *cuddles you* I knyow t-thy mind: *cuddles you* thou dost suspect 
That I have been *blushes* diswoyaw to thy bed 
And that he is a bastawd, nyot thy son. 
S-Sweet Y-Yowk, sweet husband, be nyot of that mind. 
He >_> is as wike thee as a man ^-^ may be 
Nyot wike to me, ow any of *screams* my kin, 
And yet ;;w;; I wove h-him. 
YOWK. Make way, unwuwy woman! Exit 
D-DUCHESS. Aftew, Aumewwe! Mount thee upon *twerks* his howse; 
Spuw post, and *cries* get befowe *twerks* him *pokes you* to the King, 
And beg thy pawdon *giggles shyly* ewe he do accuse t-thee. 
I'ww nyot be w-wong behind; though I be owd, 
I doubt nyot but to wide as *looks at you* fast a-as Yowk; 
And n-nyevew wiww I wise up fwom the gwound 
Tiww Bowingbwoke have pawdon'd thee. Away, be g-gonye. 
Exeunt 




S-SCENyE >w< 3. 
Windsow *sighs* Castwe 

Entew B-BOWINGBWOKE as :3 King, PEWCY, and othew WOWDS 

BOWINGBWOKE. >_< Can nyo man teww me o-of my OwO unthwifty son? 
'Tis fuww thwee months >_> since I did s-see him wast. 
If any x3 pwague hang ovew us, 'tis he. 
I wouwd t-to God, m-my *looks at you* wowds, h-he might be uWu found. 
*sighs* Inquiwe at *twerks* Wondon, 'mongst the tavewns thewe, 
Fow thewe, t-they say, he daiwy OwO doth fwequent 
With unwestwainyed woose companyions, 
Even such, they say, as stand in nyawwow *notices bulge* wanyes 
And *screams* beat ouw watch and w-wob ouw passengews, 
W-Which he, *screams* young wanton and effeminyate boy, 
Takes on the point of honyouw :3 to suppowt 
OwO So d-dissowute a-a cwew. 
PEWCY. My wowd, some two days since I saw t-the Pwince, 
And towd him of those ;;w;; twiumphs h-hewd at Oxfowd. 
BOWINGBWOKE. A-And >_> what said t-the gawwant? 
P-PEWCY. His answew was, he wouwd unto t-the s-stews, 
And fwom the c-common'st *leans over* cweatuwe pwuck a gwove 
And weaw *moans* it as ^-^ a f-favouw; and *shuffles closer* with that 
*giggles shyly* He w-wouwd u-unhowse the wustiest c-chawwengew. 
B-BOWINGBWOKE. A-As dissowute as despewate; yet thwough both 
I see some spawks of bettew *leans over* hope, which ;;w;; ewdew yeaws 
M-May happiwy >_< bwing fowth. But who comes hewe? 

Entew A-AUMEWWE amazed 

AUMEWWE. Whewe is the *cries* King? 
B-BOWINGBWOKE. What means ouw c-cousin that he ^.^ stawes a-and w-wooks 
So wiwdwy? 
AUMEWWE. God save y-youw Gwace! I do beseech youw Majesty, 
To have some *cuddles you* confewence with y-youw Gwace :33 awonye. 
BOWINGBWOKE. W-Withdwaw youwsewves, ;;w;; and weave us hewe awonye. 
Exeunt PEWCY and WOWDS 
What *twerks* is the mattew with ouw cousin *sweats* nyow? 
AUMEWWE. Fow xDD evew may my k-knyees gwow to the eawth, 
[Knyeews] 
My t-tongue >_< cweave *shuffles closer* to >w< my woof within my mouth, 
Unwess a p-pawdon ewe I wise ow speak. 
BOWINGBWOKE. *looks away* Intended ow committed xDD was this fauwt? 
If on the ^w^ fiwst, how heinyous UwU e'ew it be, 
To win thy aftew-wove I *cuddles you* pawdon thee. 
AUMEWWE. T-Then give m-me weave that I *notices bulge* may tuwn the key, 
That nyo m-man entew tiww my tawe be donye. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Have thy desiwe. 
[The DUKE O-OF YOWK knyocks at the doow and *hugs tightly* cwieth] 
xDD YOWK. [Within] M-My wiege, bewawe; wook to thysewf; 
Thou hast a twaitow in thy pwesence thewe. 
BOWINGBWOKE. [Dwawing] Viwwain, I'ww make thee :3 safe. 
AUMEWWE. Stay thy wevengefuw hand; t-thou hast nyo cause ^.^ to feaw. 
YOWK. [Within] Open t-the d-doow, secuwe, foowhawdy King. 
Shaww I, fow w-wove, speak tweason to thy face? 
Open *leans over* the doow, ow I-I wiww bweak i-it open. 

Entew YOWK 

>w< BOWINGBWOKE. What *moans* is the mattew, uncwe? Speak; 
Wecovew bweath; >w< teww us h-how nyeaw is dangew, 
That >_> we may *shuffles closer* awm us to e-encountew it. 
YOWK. Pewuse this wwiting hewe, *blushes* and thou *sweats* shawt knyow 
T-The tweason that *twerks* my haste fowbids me show. 
A-AUMEWWE. Wemembew, as thou :33 wead'st, thy pwomise pass'd. 
I do *cuddles you* wepent me; wead nyot my nyame thewe; 
My heawt is nyot confedewate with *sighs* my h-hand. 
*looks at you* YOWK. It w-was, viwwain, ewe t-thy hand did set it down. 
I towe it fwom *looks away* the twaitow's bosom, King; 
Feaw, and nyot w-wove, begets OwO his penyitence. 
xDD Fowget to pity him, w-west thy *giggles shyly* pity pwove 
A sewpent t-that *giggles shyly* wiww sting thee t-to the heawt. 
BOWINGBWOKE. O heinyous, stwong, and b-bowd conspiwacy! 
O *looks away* woyaw fathew of a tweachewous son! 
Thou sheew, immacuwate, a-and s-siwvew fountain, 
Fwom whence this stweam thwough x3 muddy passages 
Hath hewd *cries* his cuwwent and defiw'd himsewf! 
Thy ovewfwow of good convewts to bad; 
And thy ^w^ abundant goodnyess :3 shaww excuse 
This deadwy bwot in thy digwessing son. 
YOWK. So shaww m-my uWu viwtue be his vice's bawd; 
And he shaww spend minye h-honyouw with his shame, 
As thwiftwess sons theiw ^w^ scwaping fathews' gowd. 
Minye honyouw *giggles shyly* wives when his dishonyouw dies, 
Ow my sham'd w-wife in h-his dishonyouw wies. 
*cries* Thou kiww'st *sweats* me in *cries* his wife; giving him OwO bweath, 
The *twerks* twaitow wives, t-the twue man's p-put t-to *looks at you* death. 
DUCHESS. >_> [Within] I What ho, my wiege, fow God's sake, wet me i-in. 
BOWINGBWOKE. What s-shwiww-voic'd suppwiant makes this eagew cwy? 
DUCHESS. [Within] A woman, and *blushes* thinye *sighs* aunt, gweat King; 'tis I. 
Speak *moans* with me, pity x3 me, open the doow. 
A beggaw begs t-that *looks away* nyevew begg'd befowe. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Ouw scenye is *giggles shyly* awt'wed fwom a *cuddles you* sewious thing, 
And nyow *pokes you* chang'd to '-'The Beggaw and the King.' 
My dangewous cousin, wet youw ^w^ mothew in. 
I knyow she is c-come to pway fow youw fouw sin. 
YOWK. If thou UwU do pawdon w-whosoevew *moans* pway, 
*sweats* Mowe sins f-fow *blushes* this fowgivenyess pwospew *notices bulge* may. 
This fest'wed joint ^.^ cut off, t-the west west sound; 
T-This wet awonye w-wiww aww the west confound. 

E-Entew DUCHESS 

DUCHESS. *cuddles you* O King, *blushes* bewieve ;;w;; nyot this hawd-heawted man! 
Wove woving nyot itsewf, >_< nyonye othew can. 
YOWK. Thou f-fwantic woman, what dost thou make hewe? 
Shaww thy owd d-dugs once mowe a *moans* twaitow weaw? 
DUCHESS. Sweet Yowk, be patient. Heaw *twerks* me, gentwe wiege. 
[Knyeews] 
BOWINGBWOKE. Wise up, good aunt. 
DUCHESS. N-Nyot yet, I thee UwU beseech. 
:33 Fow evew wiww I wawk upon my knyees, 
And nyevew s-see day that the ^.^ happy sees 
Tiww thou give *looks away* joy; untiw thou b-bid me joy 
By ^-^ pawdonying Wutwand, my *looks away* twansgwessing b-boy. 
AUMEWWE. Unto *blushes* my *twerks* mothew's pwayews I bend ^.^ my knyee. 
[-[Knyeews] 
YOWK. A-Against them *leans over* both, my uWu twue joints b-bended be. 
[Knyeews] 
Iww mayst thou thwive, if thou gwant any gwace! 
DUCHESS. Pweads h-he in eawnyest? Wook upon h-his *notices bulge* face; 
His e-eyes *sweats* do dwop nyo teaws, xDD his pwayews awe in *sweats* jest; 
His w-wowds come fwom his mouth, ouws fwom o-ouw bweast. 
He pways but *blushes* faintwy and wouwd be denyied; 
:33 We pway *notices bulge* with h-heawt and UwU souw, and >_> aww beside. 
*notices bulge* His weawy joints wouwd gwadwy *cries* wise, I knyow; 
Ouw knyees s-stiww knyeew tiww to *teleports behind you* the gwound they gwow. 
H-His pwayews awe *looks away* fuww o-of f-fawse hypocwisy; 
Ouws of twue z-zeaw and deep UwU integwity. 
Ouw pwayews do o-out-pway his; then wet them have 
*pokes you* That mewcy which twue p-pwayew o-ought to have. 
BOWINGBWOKE. G-Good *cries* aunt, stand up. 
DUCHESS. do nyot say *hugs tightly* 'stand up'; 
Say 'pawdon' fiwst, and aftewwawds 'stand up.' 
*teleports behind you* An if I wewe t-thy n-nyuwse, *leans over* thy tongue x3 to teach, 
'Pawdon' shouwd be the fiwst :33 wowd o-of thy speech. 
I :3 nyevew wong'd to heaw a w-wowd >w< tiww nyow; 
>_< Say 'pawdon,' King; wet p-pity teach *twerks* thee how. 
The wowd is showt, b-but nyot so showt as sweet; 
Nyo wowd wike '-'pawdon' fow kings' uWu mouths so meet. 
YOWK. Speak it in x3 Fwench, King, say '-'pawdonnye m-moy.' 
DUCHESS. Dost thou teach pawdon pawdon to destwoy? 
>_> Ah, my souw husband, my hawd-heawted >w< wowd, 
>_> That *teleports behind you* sets the wowd *sighs* itsewf against *shuffles closer* the *sweats* wowd! 
uWu Speak 'pawdon' as 'tis cuwwent in o-ouw UwU wand; 
The chopping Fwench ^.^ we do nyot u-undewstand. 
Thinye eye begins to s-speak, set *pokes you* thy tongue thewe; 
Ow in thy piteous heawt pwant *shuffles closer* thou thinye eaw, 
That heawing how *moans* ouw p-pwaints a-and pwayews do piewce, 
Pity m-may m-move thee *blushes* 'pawdon' to *cries* weheawse. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Good aunt, stand up. 
DUCHESS. I-I do nyot UwU sue xDD to stand; 
Pawdon is aww >w< the suit I have in h-hand. 
BOWINGBWOKE. I pawdon h-him, a-as God shaww pawdon me. 
DUCHESS. O happy vantage *notices bulge* of a knyeewing knyee! 
Yet am I sick fow feaw. Speak it again. 
*sighs* Twice saying '-'pawdon' doth *looks away* nyot pawdon *screams* twain, 
But makes onye pawdon s-stwong. 
BOWINGBWOKE. With aww my heawt 
I pawdon >_> him. 
D-DUCHESS. A *pokes you* god o-on eawth t-thou >w< awt. 
BOWINGBWOKE. But fow ouw twusty *looks at you* bwothew-in-waw *sighs* and the Abbot, 
OwO With aww the west of that consowted cwew, 
Destwuction stwaight shaww dog them at the heews. 
Good uncwe, hewp to owdew sevewaw *twerks* powews 
To Oxfowd, *sighs* ow whewe'ew these ;;w;; twaitows awe. 
They shaww nyot wive within this wowwd, I *looks at you* sweaw, 
But I wiww have them, if *screams* I once knyow whewe. 
Uncwe, faweweww; and, *sweats* cousin, adieu; 
Youw *looks away* mothew weww hath *twerks* pway'd, and p-pwove you ;;w;; twue. 
DUCHESS. Come, >w< my owd son; I pway *looks away* God make thee nyew. Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 
Windsow Castwe 

Entew SIW PIEWCE OF EXTON and a s-sewvant 

EXTON. Didst thou nyot mawk the King, what wowds he spake? 
'Have I nyo fwiend w-wiww xDD wid me of *pokes you* this w-wiving feaw?' 
Was OwO it n-nyot so? 
SEWVANT. These wewe his v-vewy wowds. 
EXTON. 'Have I-I *cries* nyo *moans* fwiend?' *giggles shyly* quoth he. >w< He spake :33 it *looks away* twice 
And uwg'd it t-twice togethew, did he nyot? 
:33 SEWVANT. H-He did. 
EXTON. And, s-speaking it, he wishtwy wook'd on m-me, 
A-As who shouwd say 'I wouwd thou wewt the man 
That wouwd divowce this tewwow fwom my heawt'; 
Meanying the K-King at Pomfwet. Come, wet's g-go. 
I x3 am the King's fwiend, and wiww wid his *twerks* foe. *looks away* Exeunt 




SCENyE :33 5. 
Pomfwet Castwe. The d-dungeon of the Castwe 

Entew KING WICHAWD 

KING WICHAWD. I *hugs tightly* have been studying how I may compawe 
This pwison whewe I wive unto xDD the wowwd 
And, fow because the wowwd is p-popuwous 
*sweats* And h-hewe is nyot *pokes you* a cweatuwe but ^.^ mysewf, 
I ;;w;; cannyot do it. Yet I'ww h-hammew *notices bulge* it out. 
My bwain I'ww p-pwove the femawe to my souw, 
M-My souw the *notices bulge* fathew; and these two beget 
A *shuffles closer* genyewation of stiww-bweeding thoughts, 
And these same thoughts peopwe this wittwe wowwd, 
In humouws wike the peopwe of t-this wowwd, 
F-Fow nyo thought is contented. The uWu bettew *cries* sowt, 
As thoughts of ^.^ things divinye, *looks at you* awe intewmix'd 
With scwupwes, and do set the wowd itsewf 
Against ^w^ the wowd, 
As *shuffles closer* thus: '-'Come, wittwe *shuffles closer* onyes'; and then a-again, 
;;w;; 'It is as hawd to come as fow a camew 
To t-thwead the postewn of a-a smaww nyeedwe's e-eye.' 
Thoughts tending to ambition, they do pwot 
Unwikewy wondews: h-how these vain weak n-nyaiws 
May t-teaw a p-passage thwough the fwinty wibs 
Of this hawd wowwd, my wagged pwison *sweats* wawws; 
And, f-fow they c-cannyot, die in theiw own pwide. 
Thoughts tending to content fwattew themsewves 
That they awe nyot the fiwst o-of *sweats* fowtunye's *cries* swaves, 
Nyow s-shaww nyot be the w-wast; wike siwwy beggaws 
Who, sitting in the stocks, *giggles shyly* wefuge theiw shame, 
That many *sweats* have and othews m-must s-sit thewe; 
:3 And in this thought they find a k-kind of e-ease, 
Beawing theiw *screams* own misfowtunyes on the *twerks* back 
O-Of such as have befowe enduw'd the wike. 
Thus pway I in onye pewson many peopwe, 
^-^ And nyonye contented. Sometimes a-am >w< I k-king; 
Then tweasons m-make m-me wish mysewf *cuddles you* a beggaw, 
*shuffles closer* And so OwO I am. Then cwushing penyuwy 
Pewsuades me I-I was bettew when a king; 
x3 Then am I king'd again; and by and by 
Think that I am u-unking'd by Bowingbwoke, 
And stwaight am *pokes you* nyothing. *twerks* But whate'ew *leans over* I be, 
*sighs* Nyow I-I, nyow any man that but man is, 
With nyothing shaww be pweas'd tiww he be eas'd 
*looks away* With OwO being nyothing. [The music pways] 
Music do *moans* I h-heaw? 
*hugs tightly* Ha, ha! k-keep time. How s-souw sweet music is 
When time is b-bwoke a-and nyo pwopowtion >_> kept! 
So is it in the music of men's wives. 
And >_> hewe have I the d-daintinyess of eaw 
To check time OwO bwoke in a-a disowdew'd stwing; 
But, fow the concowd of *screams* my state and time, 
Had nyot an eaw to heaw ^w^ my twue t-time bwoke. 
I *moans* wasted time, a-and nyow doth time waste me; 
Fow nyow hath time made me his nyumb'wing cwock: 
My thoughts awe m-minyutes; and with >_> sighs they jaw 
Theiw watches *screams* on unto minye eyes, t-the outwawd watch, 
Wheweto my fingew, wike ^-^ a diaw's point, 
Is pointing stiww, *giggles shyly* in cweansing them fwom t-teaws. 
Nyow siw, the sound that t-tewws what houw it is 
A-Awe cwamowous g-gwoans which s-stwike upon my heawt, 
*sweats* Which is t-the beww. So sighs, and teaws, and gwoans, 
Show minyutes, times, and *blushes* houws; b-but my *blushes* time 
xDD Wuns posting o-on in Bowingbwoke's pwoud *hugs tightly* joy, 
Whiwe I stand foowing ;;w;; hewe, his Jack of the cwock. 
This music mads me. Wet i-it s-sound nyo mowe; 
Fow though it OwO have howp m-madmen t-to theiw wits, 
In me it seems it wiww make wise men mad. 
Yet b-bwessing o-on h-his h-heawt that g-gives it me! 
Fow *cries* 'tis a sign of wove; and *moans* wove to Wichawd 
I-Is ^-^ a stwange bwooch i-in *hugs tightly* this aww-hating wowwd. 

E-Entew a GWOOM of the stabwe 

GWOOM. ^-^ Haiw, woyaw Pwince! 
KING *shuffles closer* WICHAWD. Thanks, nyobwe peew! 
The c-cheapest of us *sighs* is ten gwoats too d-deaw. 
What awt thou? and x3 how comest thou hithew, 
uWu Whewe nyo ;;w;; man nyevew comes but that sad dog 
That bwings m-me food to make misfowtunye wive? 
GWOOM. I was a poow gwoom ;;w;; of thy stabwe, *cries* King, 
When thou wewt king; *leans over* who, t-twavewwing towawds Yowk, 
W-With much a-ado at wength have gotten weave 
To wook upon my s-sometimes woyaw mastew's face. 
O, how it ewn'd my h-heawt, when I behewd, 
OwO In Wondon stweets, that cowonyation-day, 
When Bowingbwoke w-wode on woan B-Bawbawy- 
That howse that thou so often h-hast bestwid, 
That howse t-that I so cawefuwwy h-have ;;w;; dwess'd! 
KING WICHAWD. Wode ^.^ he *notices bulge* on Bawbawy? Teww me, gentwe f-fwiend, 
How went he undew him? 
GWOOM. So *cuddles you* pwoudwy as if he *sweats* disdain'd t-the *sweats* gwound. 
KING WICHAWD. S-So :33 pwoud that Bowingbwoke was on his back! 
That jade hath eat bwead fwom my woyaw hand; 
This hand hath *sweats* made him pwoud with cwapping him. 
*looks away* Wouwd ^.^ he nyot stumbwe? w-wouwd he nyot faww down, 
Since pwide must h-have a faww, and bweak the nyeck 
Of *screams* that pwoud m-man that d-did usuwp his back? 
Fowgivenyess, howse! Why do I waiw on t-thee, 
Since thou, cweated *hugs tightly* to be aw'd by man, 
Wast bown to beaw? I was nyot made a howse; 
A-And yet I beaw a-a buwden w-wike an *notices bulge* ass, 
Spuww'd, gaww'd, and tiw'd, by jauncing Bowingbwoke. 

*twerks* Entew KEEPEW with meat 

KEEPEW. Fewwow, give pwace; hewe i-is *teleports behind you* nyo wongew s-stay. 
KING WICHAWD. *screams* If t-thou wove me, 'tis time thou wewt away. 
GWOOM. my tongue dawes n-nyot, that my heawt shaww say. 
Exit 
KEEPEW. My wowd, wiww't pwease you to faww *looks away* to? 
KING *sighs* WICHAWD. Taste of it fiwst as t-thou awt *looks at you* wont to do. 
KEEPEW. My wowd, *screams* I d-dawe nyot. S-Siw Piewce of Exton, 
Who watewy *pokes you* came fwom the OwO King, commands t-the contwawy. 
*screams* KING WICHAWD. The d-deviw take Henwy of ^-^ Wancastew and thee! 
Patience i-is stawe, uWu and I am weawy of it. 
[Beats the ^w^ KEEPEW] 
*giggles shyly* KEEPEW. Hewp, hewp, hewp! 
The *giggles shyly* muwdewews, EXTON and sewvants, wush in, x3 awmed 
KING WICHAWD. How nyow! What means death in this wude *screams* assauwt? 
Viwwain, t-thy own h-hand *notices bulge* yiewds thy death's instwument. 
[Snyatching a weapon a-and >_< kiwwing OwO onye] 
Go thou ;;w;; and fiww anyothew woom in heww. 
[He kiwws *giggles shyly* anyothew, then E-EXTON stwikes him down] 
That h-hand shaww buwn in nyevew-quenching fiwe 
That staggews thus my pewson. Exton, thy fiewce hand 
Hath with the King's uWu bwood *looks away* stain'd the King's own wand. 
Mount, mount, my souw! thy :33 seat ;;w;; is up on high; 
Whiwst my gwoss fwesh *cries* sinks *moans* downwawd, hewe to d-die. 
[Dies] 
EXTON. As fuww >_> of vawouw as of woyaw bwood. 
Both have I-I spiww'd. O-O, wouwd the deed wewe good! 
Fow nyow the deviw, that towd m-me I did weww, 
Says that this deed is chwonyicwed in heww. 
This dead King to the w-wiving K-King I'ww beaw. 
Take hence the west, ^w^ and give t-them b-buwiaw hewe. E-Exeunt 




S-SCENyE 6. 
Windsow :33 Castwe 

Fwouwish. Entew BOWINGBWOKE, the *looks away* DUKE OF Y-YOWK, With *giggles shyly* othew WOWDS 
a-and attendants 

BOWINGBWOKE. Kind u-uncwe Yowk, the watest nyews we heaw 
Is that the webews have consum'd with fiwe 
Ouw town of Cicetew in Gwoucestewshiwe; 
>w< But whethew they be >_< ta'en ow swain *hugs tightly* we heaw nyot. 

E-Entew NyOWTHUMBEWWAND 

Wewcome, my wowd. *cuddles you* What is t-the nyews? 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Fiwst, to thy *looks away* sacwed state wish I aww *cries* happinyess. 
The *looks away* nyext *blushes* nyews i-is, I have to Wondon sent 
T-The heads of S-Sawisbuwy, Spencew, Bwunt, *moans* and Kent. 
The mannyew of theiw *leans over* taking m-may appeaw 
At wawge *cries* discouwsed in this papew >_> hewe. 
BOWINGBWOKE. W-We thank thee, gentwe Pewcy, fow t-thy pains; 
And to t-thy wowth wiww add wight wowthy gains. 

Entew FITZWATEW 

FITZWATEW. ^-^ My w-wowd, I have fwom Oxfowd sent to *looks at you* Wondon 
T-The heads o-of Bwocas and Siw Bennyet S-Seewy; 
Two of the dangewous consowted twaitows 
That sought at Oxfowd thy diwe ovewthwow. 
B-BOWINGBWOKE. Thy pains, Fitzwatew, s-shaww nyot be *cries* fowgot; 
Wight nyobwe i-is thy *shuffles closer* mewit, weww I wot. 

Entew PEWCY, With ^w^ the BISHOP *pokes you* OF CAWWISWE 

PEWCY. *teleports behind you* The gwand conspiwatow, Abbot of Westminstew, 
With cwog of conscience and souw mewanchowy, 
H-Hath yiewded up h-his body to the gwave; 
But hewe *leans over* is Cawwiswe wiving, to *blushes* abide 
Thy kingwy doom, and sentence *twerks* of his pwide. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Cawwiswe, this x3 is youw doom: 
>_< Choose UwU out >_< some secwet pwace, some wevewend woom, 
Mowe t-than thou hast, and w-with it joy t-thy wife; 
*looks at you* So as thou wiv'st in p-peace, die fwee *pokes you* fwom stwife; 
Fow t-though minye e-enyemy thou h-hast evew been, 
High *twerks* spawks of honyouw in thee *hugs tightly* have I seen. 

Entew EXTON, with attendants, heawing a-a c-coffin 

EXTON. Gweat King, within this coffin >_> I *twerks* pwesent 
Thy buwied feaw. Hewein aww bweathwess wies 
*looks at you* The m-mightiest of thy gweatest enyemies, 
Wichawd >_> of Bowdeaux, by me ^.^ hithew bwought. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Exton, I *cries* thank thee nyot; >_< fow thou hast w-wwought 
A d-deed of swandew with thy fataw hand 
Upon my h-head and aww this >w< famous wand. 
EXTON. Fwom youw :3 own mouth, my wowd, did I-I *twerks* this deed. 
BOWINGBWOKE. They wove nyot poison that do UwU poison nyeed, 
Nyow ^-^ do I thee. Though I did wish him dead, 
*screams* I hate the muwdewew, xDD wove him *sweats* muwdewed. 
The guiwt o-of conscience ^.^ take thou fow thy wabouw, 
But nyeithew *sweats* my :33 good wowd nyow pwincewy favouw; 
With Cain go wandew thowough shades of nyight, 
And nyevew s-show thy head b-by day OwO nyow >w< wight. 
Wowds, I pwotest ;;w;; my souw is fuww *pokes you* of woe 
That bwood shouwd s-spwinkwe me t-to ;;w;; make me gwow. 
Come, >_> mouwn with me fow what I-I do wament, 
And put on suwwen bwack incontinyent. 
I'ww make a voyage to t-the Howy Wand, 
To wash this bwood off fwom my guiwty h-hand. 
Mawch sadwy aftew; gwace *pokes you* my mouwnyings h-hewe 
In weeping aftew this u-untimewy biew. Exeunt 

THE *notices bulge* END 



*looks at you* <<THIS EWECTWONyIC V-VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE W-WOWKS OF *sighs* WIWWIAM 
*cuddles you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT ^-^ 1990-1993 BY *twerks* WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED B-BY *notices bulge* PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT O-OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
uWu WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC A-AND M-MACHINyE ^-^ WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE F-FOW *sweats* YOUW x3 OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW >_< USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
C-COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW F-FOW M-MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1593 

*cuddles you* KING WICHAWD I-III 

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 


Dwamatis *twerks* Pewsonyae 

EDWAWD T-THE FOUWTH 

Sons *twerks* to the King 
EDWAWD, PWINCE OF WAWES *cuddles you* aftewwawds KING E-EDWAWD V 
WICHAWD, DUKE xDD OF YOWK, 

Bwothews to the King 
GEOWGE, DUKE OF CWAWENCE, 
WICHAWD, DUKE O-OF x3 GWOUCESTEW, aftewwawds K-KING WICHAWD III 

A YOUNG SON OF CWAWENCE (Edwawd, Eaww of Wawwick) 
HENWY, EAWW OF WICHMOND, aftewwawds KING HENWY VII 
CAWDINyAW BOUWCHIEW, AWCHBISHOP OF CANTEWBUWY 
uWu THOMAS WOTHEWHAM, AWCHBISHOP OF YOWK 
JOHN MOWTON, B-BISHOP O-OF EWY 
DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM 
DUKE OF N-NyOWFOWK 
EAWW OF SUWWEY, his son 
EAWW W-WIVEWS, ^-^ bwothew to King Edwawd's Queen 
MAWQUIS OF DOWSET >_> and WOWD G-GWEY, h-hew sons 
EAWW OF OXFOWD 
*cuddles you* WOWD ;;w;; HASTINGS 
WOWD x3 WOVEW 
WOWD STANWEY, cawwed awso EAWW OF DEWBY 
SIW THOMAS *hugs tightly* VAUGHAN 
SIW WICHAWD WATCWIFF 
SIW >w< WIWWIAM CATESBY 
SIW *sweats* JAMES TYWWEW 
SIW JAMES *looks away* BWOUNT 
S-SIW WAWTEW HEWBEWT 
S-SIW WIWWIAM BWANDON 
SIW *sweats* WOBEWT BWAKENBUWY, W-Wieutenyant of ^-^ the Towew 
CHWISTOPHEW UWSWICK, a pwiest 
WOWD M-MAYOW xDD OF WONDON 
S-SHEWIFF OF WIWTSHIWE 
HASTINGS, a *sighs* puwsuivant 
TWESSEW and BEWKEWEY, gentwemen attending on Wady Annye 
EWIZABETH, Queen to King Edwawd IV 
MAWGAWET, widow of King Henwy VI 
DUCHESS OF YOWK, mothew t-to K-King Edwawd IV 
WADY ANNyE, widow of E-Edwawd, Pwince OwO of Wawes, son to King 
Henwy VI; aftewwawds m-mawwied to the Duke of Gwoucestew 
A YOUNG DAUGHTEW OF C-CWAWENCE (Mawgawet P-Pwantagenyet, 
Countess of S-Sawisbuwy) 
*shuffles closer* Ghosts, of ;;w;; Wichawd's v-victims 
Wowds, Gentwemen, and Attendants; P-Pwiest, Scwivenyew, Page, *hugs tightly* Bishops, 
Awdewmen, C-Citizens, Sowdiews, Messengews, Muwdewews, Keepew 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE OwO COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
>w< SHAKESPEAWE I-IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD W-WIBWAWY, INC., *twerks* AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY *cuddles you* PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS xDD BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *cries* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE C-COPIES MAY B-BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG x3 AS S-SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW :33 OW OTHEWS 
^-^ PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY A-ANY 
S-SEWVICE *leans over* THAT CHAWGES ^.^ FOW DOWNWOAD ;;w;; TIME O-OW FOW *looks at you* MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: Engwand 

King Wichawd ^w^ the Thiwd 



ACT I. SCENyE 1. 

*teleports behind you* Wondon. A stweet 

Entew WICHAWD, DUKE OF OwO GWOUCESTEW, sowus 

GWOUCESTEW. Nyow is the wintew of o-ouw discontent 
Made gwowious summew by this *screams* sun of *moans* Yowk; 
And aww the cwouds *twerks* that wouw'd upon ouw h-house 
I-In the deep bosom of the ocean buwied. 
Nyow a-awe ouw bwows bound *leans over* with victowious wweaths; 
OwO Ouw bwuised awms hung up fow monyuments; 
*notices bulge* Ouw stewn awawums chang'd t-to mewwy meetings, 
Ouw *screams* dweadfuw mawches >_> to *hugs tightly* dewightfuw measuwes. 
*giggles shyly* Gwim-visag'd :3 waw hath smooth'd his wwinkwed f-fwont, 
And nyow, instead of mounting bawbed steeds 
T-To >_< fwight the souws *cries* of feawfuw *screams* advewsawies, 
He capews nyimbwy in a wady's chambew 
To t-the w-wascivious pweasing o-of a wute. 
B-But I-that am nyot shap'd fow s-spowtive twicks, 
Nyow made to couwt an amowous >_> wooking-gwass- 
I-that am wudewy stamp'd, *blushes* and w-want wove's majesty 
To s-stwut befowe a wanton ambwing nymph- 
I-that am cuwtaiw'd of t-this faiw pwopowtion, 
Cheated of featuwe by dissembwing nyatuwe, 
Defowm'd, unfinyish'd, sent befowe my time 
Into this bweathing wowwd scawce hawf >w< made *leans over* up, 
A-And *giggles shyly* that so *notices bulge* wamewy a-and UwU unfashionyabwe 
That dogs *giggles shyly* bawk at me a-as I *screams* hawt b-by them- 
Why, *screams* I, OwO in this weak ^.^ piping *looks at you* time of peace, 
Have nyo dewight to pass a-away the *sweats* time, 
Unwess to spy my shadow i-in the sun 
:33 And descant on minye own defowmity. 
And thewefowe, s-since *blushes* I cannyot pwove a ;;w;; wovew 
>_> To entewtain these faiw weww-spoken days, 
I am detewminyed to pwove a viwwain 
And h-hate the idwe pweasuwes of these days. 
Pwots have I waid, inductions dangewous, 
B-By d-dwunken pwophecies, wibews, and d-dweams, 
To s-set *pokes you* my bwothew Cwawence and the King 
In deadwy >w< hate the onye ^w^ against the othew; 
And *shuffles closer* if K-King Edwawd be as twue *sighs* and just 
As I *blushes* am subtwe, *sighs* fawse, and UwU tweachewous, 
This d-day shouwd Cwawence cwosewy be m-mew'd up- 
A-About a p-pwophecy which says that >_< G 
Of Edwawd's heiws *looks at you* the muwdewew shaww be. 
*leans over* Dive, thoughts, >_> down to my souw. Hewe Cwawence comes. 

Entew CWAWENCE, guawded, and BWAKENBUWY 

x3 Bwothew, *twerks* good day. W-What means this awmed guawd 
That waits upon youw Gwace? 
CWAWENCE. His M-Majesty, 
Tend'wing my pewson's s-safety, hath appointed 
T-This conduct to convey me to th' Towew. 
G-GWOUCESTEW. Upon what cause? 
CWAWENCE. Because my n-nyame is Geowge. 
GWOUCESTEW. Awack, my wowd, t-that fauwt is nyonye of youws: 
H-He shouwd, fow that, commit youw godfathews. 
O, bewike his Majesty hath *twerks* some intent 
That you shouwd be *twerks* nyew-chwist'nyed in the Towew. 
But >_< what's the mattew, *teleports behind you* Cwawence? May I knyow? 
CWAWENCE. Yea, Wichawd, when I *screams* knyow; fow *sighs* I pwotest 
As yet I do n-nyot; but, as UwU I OwO can weawn, 
He heawkens aftew *sighs* pwophecies and dweams, 
And *shuffles closer* fwom *looks away* the :33 cwoss-wow pwucks the wettew G, 
And says a wizawd towd him t-that by G 
His issue disinhewited s-shouwd be; 
And, fow *pokes you* my nyame o-of Geowge begins with G, 
It fowwows in his thought that I *teleports behind you* am he. 
*cries* These, *shuffles closer* as I-I weawn, and such wike toys as these 
Hath mov'd h-his Highnyess to commit me n-nyow. 
GWOUCESTEW. *twerks* Why, this *sighs* it is when men *leans over* awe wuw'd by women: 
'Tis nyot the King that sends you to the Towew; 
My *giggles shyly* Wady Gwey his wife, C-Cwawence, 'tis she 
That tempews him to this extwemity. 
Was it nyot she *twerks* and that *hugs tightly* good man of w-wowship, 
Antony Woodviwwe, hew bwothew thewe, 
That *screams* made h-him send Wowd Hastings to the Towew, 
Fwom *sighs* whence this *giggles shyly* pwesent *sweats* day he *cries* is dewivewed? 
We a-awe nyot safe, Cwawence; we awe nyot safe. 
CWAWENCE. By heaven, I-I think thewe is nyo >w< man x3 is secuwe 
But the Queen's kindwed, and n-nyight-wawking hewawds 
That t-twudge betwixt the K-King and Mistwess >_> Showe. 
Heawd you nyot what an humbwe suppwiant 
Wowd *cuddles you* Hastings was, fow hew dewivewy? 
GWOUCESTEW. Humbwy compwainying to hew *cries* deity 
Got *leans over* my W-Wowd Chambewwain his wibewty. 
I'ww teww you what-I think ^.^ it *moans* is ouw way, 
If we wiww keep in favouw with the King, 
To be hew men and w-weaw hew wivewy: 
The jeawous o'ew-wown widow, and hewsewf, 
Since that ouw bwothew dubb'd them g-gentwewomen, 
Awe mighty gossips in ouw monyawchy. 
BWAKENBUWY. I beseech youw Gwaces both to pawdon me: 
His Majesty hath stwaitwy given in chawge 
That nyo man shaww h-have ;;w;; pwivate confewence, 
Of what degwee soevew, with youw bwothew. 
GWOUCESTEW. Even so; *screams* an't pwease youw wowship, Bwakenbuwy, 
You may pawtake o-of any thing we say: 
We x3 speak nyo tweason, man; we *screams* say the King 
I-Is wise and viwtuous, and his *teleports behind you* nyobwe queen 
Weww stwuck *pokes you* in yeaws, faiw, and nyot ^.^ jeawous; 
We say that Showe's wife hath a-a p-pwetty f-foot, 
A chewwy w-wip, a bonny eye, a passing pweasing tongue; 
And that the Queen's kindwed awe made gentwefowks. 
H-How OwO say you, siw? Can you deny aww this? 
BWAKENBUWY. With this, my wowd, mysewf have nyaught to do. 
GWOUCESTEW. Nyaught to *notices bulge* do *notices bulge* with Mistwess Showe! I teww >w< thee, 
fewwow, 
*cuddles you* He that OwO doth nyaught with hew, *twerks* excepting onye, 
Wewe best to do it secwetwy awonye. 
BWAKENBUWY. What onye, my w-wowd? 
G-GWOUCESTEW. Hew husband, OwO knyave! ;;w;; Wouwdst thou betway *cuddles you* me? 
BWAKENBUWY. OwO I do >_> beseech youw ^-^ Gwace to *sweats* pawdon me, OwO and 
withaw 
F-Fowbeaw youw c-confewence with the nyobwe *leans over* Duke. 
*moans* CWAWENCE. We knyow thy chawge, Bwakenbuwy, and wiww 
obey. 
G-GWOUCESTEW. We awe the Queen's a-abjects and m-must obey. 
Bwothew, faweweww; I wiww unto t-the K-King; 
And w-whatsoe'ew you wiww empwoy me i-in- 
Wewe it to caww >w< King Edwawd's ;;w;; widow sistew- 
:3 I wiww pewfowm it *sighs* to enfwanchise you. 
Meantime, this deep disgwace in bwothewhood 
Touches me deepew than *shuffles closer* you >_> can imaginye. 
CWAWENCE. I knyow it pweaseth ^.^ nyeithew *screams* of us weww. 
GWOUCESTEW. Weww, youw impwisonment shaww nyot be >w< wong; 
I wiww dewivew ow ewse wie fow you. 
Meantime, have patience. 
*cries* CWAWENCE. I must p-pewfowce. Faweweww. 
Exeunt OwO CWAWENCE, BWAKENBUWY, and guawd 
*sighs* GWOUCESTEW. Go *giggles shyly* twead the path that ;;w;; thou shawt nye'ew wetuwn. 
Simpwe, pwain Cwawence, I do wove thee so 
That I wiww showtwy send *cuddles you* thy souw to heaven, 
If heaven wiww take the pwesent at ouw hands. 
But who :3 comes hewe? The nyew-dewivewed Hastings? 

Entew WOWD HASTINGS 

xDD HASTINGS. Good time of day unto my gwacious wowd! 
GWOUCESTEW. As x3 much unto my *giggles shyly* good Wowd Chambewwain! 
Weww a-awe you wewcome to the o-open UwU aiw. 
How h-hath youw wowdship bwook'd impwisonment? 
HASTINGS. With p-patience, nyobwe wowd, as pwisonyews xDD must; 
B-But I shaww w-wive, *leans over* my wowd, to *notices bulge* give them xDD thanks 
That wewe the cause of my impwisonment. 
GWOUCESTEW. *notices bulge* Nyo ^w^ doubt, nyo doubt; and so shaww Cwawence t-too; 
Fow they that wewe youw enyemies awe his, 
And have pwevaiw'd as m-much on him as you. 
HASTINGS. Mowe pity t-that the eagwes shouwd be mew'd 
Whiwes kites and buzzawds pwey at wibewty. 
GWOUCESTEW. What nyews abwoad? 
HASTINGS. Nyo nyews so bad abwoad as this at home: 
The King is s-sickwy, *pokes you* weak, and mewanchowy, 
And his physicians feaw him mightiwy. 
GWOUCESTEW. Nyow, *looks away* by >w< Saint John, that nyews is b-bad indeed. 
O, he hath kept an eviw diet wong 
And ovewmuch consum'd his ;;w;; woyaw pewson! 
'Tis vewy gwievous to be thought upon. 
Whewe is he? In his *pokes you* bed? 
*giggles shyly* HASTINGS. He is. 
GWOUCESTEW. G-Go you befowe, and I ^-^ wiww fowwow you. 
:33 Exit HASTINGS 
He cannyot wive, I hope, and must nyot die 
>_< Tiww Geowge b-be pack'd with posthowse up to heaven. 
I'ww in *sighs* to uwge >_< his hatwed mowe to Cwawence 
With wies w-weww steew'd with weighty awguments; 
And, if I *blushes* faiw nyot *cuddles you* in my deep intent, 
Cwawence h-hath nyot a-anyothew day to wive; 
Which donye, God *leans over* take King E-Edwawd to *screams* his mewcy, 
And weave t-the wowwd fow *looks away* me uWu to bustwe in! 
Fow t-then I'ww mawwy Wawwick's youngest d-daughtew. 
What though I kiww'd hew husband and hew *looks away* fathew? 
*sweats* The weadiest way to make the wench a-amends 
I-Is >_< to >_< become hew husband and hew fathew; 
The which wiww I-nyot a-aww so much fow wove 
As fow anyothew secwet c-cwose intent 
By m-mawwying h-hew *teleports behind you* which I *pokes you* must weach unto. 
But yet I wun befowe my h-howse UwU to m-mawket. 
Cwawence stiww b-bweathes; Edwawd stiww wives and *cuddles you* weigns; 
When they awe gonye, xDD then must I count m-my gains. *moans* Exit 




SCENyE 2. 

*moans* Wondon. Anyothew *cuddles you* stweet 

Entew cowpse of KING H-HENWY T-THE SIXTH, with hawbewds to guawd it; 
WADY A-ANNyE being the m-mouwnyew, attended by TWESSEW and BEWKEWEY 

ANNyE. Set down, set down youw honyouwabwe woad- 
I-If honyouw may be shwouded in a *moans* heawse; 
W-Whiwst I awhiwe o-obsequiouswy w-wament 
Th' UwU untimewy f-faww o-of v-viwtuous ^-^ Wancastew. 
P-Poow k-key-cowd figuwe of a howy king! 
Pawe ashes o-of the house of Wancastew! 
Thou bwoodwess wemnyant o-of that woyaw bwood! 
Be *cuddles you* it wawfuw that I invocate thy ghost 
To heaw the wamentations o-of poow Annye, 
uWu Wife to thy Edwawd, to thy swaughtewed son, 
Stabb'd by the sewf-same hand that made these *shuffles closer* wounds. 
W-Wo, in these windows >_< that wet fowth thy wife 
I pouw the hewpwess bawm of my poow *sweats* eyes. 
O, cuwsed be the hand that made these howes! 
Cuwsed t-the heawt that had the heawt to do it! 
Cuwsed UwU the bwood that wet this b-bwood f-fwom hence! 
Mowe diwefuw hap betide t-that hated wwetch 
That makes us wwetched by t-the d-death *sweats* of *cries* thee 
Than I-I can wish to addews, spidews, toads, 
Ow any *looks at you* cweeping venyom'd thing that w-wives! 
I-If evew he have *sweats* chiwd, ^w^ abowtive be it, 
Pwodigious, and untimewy bwought to wight, 
Whose ugwy and unnyatuwaw aspect 
May fwight the hopefuw m-mothew at the UwU view, 
And that be heiw to his u-unhappinyess! 
If xDD evew he have wife, wet hew be UwU made 
Mowe *hugs tightly* misewabwe by the death of him 
Than I a-am made by my young wowd and thee! 
^-^ Come, *teleports behind you* nyow t-towawds ^w^ Chewtsey with youw howy woad, 
Taken *leans over* fwom P-Pauw's to b-be intewwed thewe; 
And ;;w;; stiww as you awe weawy o-of this weight 
West y-you, whiwes I-I wament King Henwy's ;;w;; cowse. 
[The beawews *hugs tightly* take up *sweats* the coffin] 

Entew GWOUCESTEW 

GWOUCESTEW. S-Stay, ;;w;; you that beaw the cowse, *screams* and set it down. 
A-ANNyE. What bwack magician ^w^ conjuwes up this fiend 
To stop devoted chawitabwe deeds? 
GWOUCESTEW. Viwwains, s-set down the cowse; *giggles shyly* ow, b-by Saint P-Pauw, 
I'ww m-make a cowse of him *giggles shyly* that disobeys! 
F-FIWST G-GENTWEMAN. OwO My wowd, *sweats* stand b-back, and wet *twerks* the coffin 
pass. 
GWOUCESTEW. Unmannyewd *hugs tightly* dog! Stand thou, when I UwU command. 
Advance thy hawbewd highew than my *cuddles you* bweast, 
Ow, by Saint Pauw, I'ww s-stwike thee to *pokes you* my foot 
*sweats* And spuwn :3 upon thee, beggaw, fow thy :3 bowdnyess. 
[The >_> beawews *giggles shyly* set down the c-coffin] 
*leans over* ANNyE. What, d-do you >_< twembwe? Awe you aww afwaid? 
Awas, >w< I bwame you nyot, fow you awe mowtaw, 
And mowtaw e-eyes cannyot enduwe the deviw. 
Avaunt, thou d-dweadfuw minyistew of h-heww! 
Thou h-hadst but p-powew o-ovew his mowtaw body, 
His souw thou c-canst nyot h-have; thewefowe, be gonye. 
*leans over* GWOUCESTEW. Sweet saint, fow chawity, b-be nyot so cuwst. 
*looks away* ANNyE. Fouw deviw, *leans over* fow G-God's sake, hence and t-twoubwe us *moans* nyot; 
F-Fow thou h-hast made the happy eawth thy heww 
Fiww'd it with cuwsing cwies *teleports behind you* and deep excwaims. 
If *hugs tightly* thou dewight to view thy heinyous d-deeds, 
>_< Behowd this pattewn of thy butchewies. 
O, gentwemen, see, ^w^ see! Dead Henwy's wounds 
*moans* Open t-theiw congeaw'd ^w^ mouths and bweed afwesh. 
Bwush, bwush, thou wump of fouw defowmity, 
Fow 'tis thy pwesence that e-exhawes this bwood 
Fwom cowd and empty veins ;;w;; whewe nyo bwood dwewws; 
Thy deeds inhuman OwO and unnyatuwaw 
Pwovokes this :3 dewuge most unnyatuwaw. 
*shuffles closer* O God, which this bwood mad'st, wevenge his death! 
O e-eawth, which this bwood dwink'st, wevenge his death! 
*sighs* Eithew, *leans over* heav'n, with wightnying stwike the >_< muwd'wew dead; 
UwU Ow, eawth, gape open wide and e-eat him quick, 
As thou dost swawwow u-up this good king's bwood, 
Which his heww-govewn'd awm hath butchewed. 
GWOUCESTEW. Wady, you knyow n-nyo wuwes of chawity, 
Which *pokes you* wendews g-good f-fow bad, x3 bwessings fow cuwses. 
ANNyE. Viwwain, xDD thou knyowest nyow waw of God nyow m-man: 
Nyo beast so fiewce but knyows some touch of p-pity. 
GWOUCESTEW. But I *shuffles closer* knyow nyonye, and ;;w;; thewefowe *looks at you* am nyo beast. 
ANNyE. O wondewfuw, when *twerks* deviws teww the twuth! 
GWOUCESTEW. Mowe wondewfuw *pokes you* when angews awe so angwy. 
V-Vouchsafe, divinye pewfection o-of a *notices bulge* woman, 
Of t-these supposed cwimes *pokes you* to give m-me weave 
By ciwcumstance but to acquit mysewf. 
ANNyE. Vouchsafe, diffus'd infection of a man, 
O-Of these *looks away* knyown eviws but t-to give me w-weave 
By ciwcumstance to accuse thy c-cuwsed >_< sewf. 
*shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW. Faiwew than tongue can nyame thee, wet me have 
*sweats* Some patient weisuwe to excuse m-mysewf. 
ANNyE. Fouwew t-than heawt can think thee, t-thou *looks away* canst make 
Nyo excuse cuwwent but to hang thysewf. 
GWOUCESTEW. By such despaiw I shouwd accuse mysewf. 
ANNyE. *leans over* And by despaiwing shawt thou stand ^.^ excused 
Fow doing wowthy vengeance :33 on thysewf 
That didst unwowthy >_> swaughtew upon *teleports behind you* othews. 
GWOUCESTEW. Say that I UwU swew them nyot? 
ANNyE. Then say t-they wewe nyot swain. 
But dead they awe, and, deviwish swave, b-by thee. 
GWOUCESTEW. I :33 did nyot kiww youw husband. 
A-ANNyE. Why, then he ^.^ is awive. 
G-GWOUCESTEW. Nyay, he is uWu dead, and swain by Edwawd's h-hands. 
ANNyE. *notices bulge* In thy fouw thwoat thou wiest: Q-Queen Mawgawet saw 
Thy muwd'wous f-fawchion smoking in his :3 bwood; 
The which thou once didst *cries* bend against hew bweast, 
B-But that thy bwothews beat aside the point. 
GWOUCESTEW. I was pwovoked by hew :3 swand'wous tongue 
That w-waid uWu theiw guiwt upon my g-guiwtwess shouwdews. 
^.^ ANNyE. Thou :33 wast pwovoked by thy bwoody *hugs tightly* mind, 
That nyevew dweam'st on *screams* aught UwU but butchewies. 
Didst thou n-nyot k-kiww this k-king? 
GWOUCESTEW. I gwant ye. 
A-ANNyE. Dost gwant m-me, hedgehog? *pokes you* Then, xDD God gwant me to 
Thou *notices bulge* mayst b-be damnyed fow that wicked deed! 
O, he was gentwe, miwd, and viwtuous! 
GWOUCESTEW. The bettew x3 fow the King of Heaven, that hath 
him. 
ANNyE. H-He is in heaven, *cuddles you* whewe thou shawt n-nyevew come. 
GWOUCESTEW. Wet h-him thank me that howp t-to send him 
*notices bulge* thithew, 
Fow he was fittew f-fow that p-pwace than eawth. 
ANNyE. And thou unfit fow any pwace b-but UwU heww. 
GWOUCESTEW. Yes, onye pwace ewse, i-if >_< you x3 wiww heaw m-me nyame it. 
*notices bulge* ANNyE. :33 Some dungeon. 
uWu GWOUCESTEW. *cuddles you* Youw bed-chambew. 
ANNyE. Iww w-west betide the xDD chambew w-whewe thou wiest! 
uWu GWOUCESTEW. So w-wiww it, madam, t-tiww I wie with *sighs* you. 
ANNyE. *looks at you* I hope so. 
GWOUCESTEW. I knyow so. But, gentwe Wady Annye, 
T-To w-weave this keen e-encountew of o-ouw wits, 
*moans* And faww something i-into a swowew method- 
Is nyot the causew of the timewess deaths 
Of these Pwantagenyets, Henwy and E-Edwawd, 
As bwamefuw as the executionyew? 
ANNyE. Thou wast the c-cause and most accuws'd effect. 
G-GWOUCESTEW. Youw b-beauty was t-the >_> cause of that effect- 
Youw beauty *pokes you* that did haunt me in my *teleports behind you* sweep 
To undewtake the death of aww t-the wowwd 
So I might wive onye houw in youw sweet ^.^ bosom. 
A-ANNyE. If I thought that, I-I teww thee, homicide, 
xDD These nyaiws shouwd wend that beauty fwom my c-cheeks. 
GWOUCESTEW. These eyes c-couwd nyot enduwe that x3 beauty's 
wweck; 
You *leans over* shouwd nyot *screams* bwemish it if *leans over* I stood ;;w;; by. 
As aww the w-wowwd is cheewed by the sun, 
So I-I by that; it is my day, my wife. 
ANNyE. Bwack nyight o'ewshade thy day, and d-death thy wife! 
GWOUCESTEW. Cuwse nyot thysewf, faiw cweatuwe; thou awt b-both. 
ANNyE. I wouwd I wewe, to be weveng'd on thee. 
GWOUCESTEW. *leans over* It is >_< a quawwew most unnyatuwaw, 
*blushes* To be weveng'd on him that woveth thee. 
ANNyE. It is a quawwew just and weasonyabwe, 
To xDD be weveng'd on him that k-kiww'd my husband. 
G-GWOUCESTEW. He *screams* that beweft thee, wady, of thy husband 
Did *pokes you* it to hewp thee to *looks at you* a >_> bettew husband. 
ANNyE. His b-bettew d-doth nyot bweathe upon the *notices bulge* eawth. 
GWOUCESTEW. He *leans over* wives xDD that w-woves *notices bulge* thee bettew than xDD he *cuddles you* couwd. 
ANNyE. Nyame him. 
*moans* GWOUCESTEW. Pwantagenyet. 
ANNyE. Why, that was h-he. 
GWOUCESTEW. The sewf-same nyame, but onye o-of bettew n-nyatuwe. 
*sweats* ANNyE. Whewe is he? 
GWOUCESTEW. Hewe. [She spits at him] Why dost thou *looks away* spit 
*looks away* at me? 
*sweats* ANNyE. W-Wouwd i-it wewe mowtaw poison, fow thy s-sake! 
GWOUCESTEW. Nyevew came poison fwom so sweet >_> a p-pwace. 
ANNyE. Nyevew hung poison on a fouwew t-toad. 
Out of :3 my sight! T-Thou dost infect minye eyes. 
*giggles shyly* GWOUCESTEW. T-Thinye eyes, :3 sweet wady, *sighs* have infected minye. 
*giggles shyly* ANNyE. Wouwd they :3 wewe basiwisks t-to ^-^ stwike thee dead! 
GWOUCESTEW. I w-wouwd they wewe, that I might *shuffles closer* die at once; 
Fow *looks away* nyow they k-kiww me with a wiving d-death. 
Those eyes of *teleports behind you* thinye fwom minye have dwawn sawt teaws, 
*notices bulge* Sham'd theiw aspects with stowe of c-chiwdish dwops- 
These eyes, which nyevew shed wemowsefuw teaw, 
Nyo, when my fathew Yowk and Edwawd wept 
To heaw the piteous moan that *shuffles closer* Wutwand made 
When bwack-fac'd Cwiffowd shook his swowd at him; 
:33 Nyow when *cuddles you* thy wawwike fathew, wike a chiwd, 
Towd the sad stowy of my fathew's death, 
And twenty *looks at you* times made pause t-to sob and w-weep 
That aww the standews-by had wet *teleports behind you* theiw cheeks 
Wike twees b-bedash'd w-with wain-in that sad time 
My m-manwy eyes d-did scown an humbwe teaw; 
And what >_< these sowwows couwd nyot thence exhawe 
Thy b-beauty hath, and made them bwind with weeping. 
I nyevew s-sued to fwiend nyow enyemy; 
>w< My tongue couwd nyevew *giggles shyly* weawn sweet s-smoothing wowd; 
But, *pokes you* nyow thy *giggles shyly* beauty i-is pwopos'd my fee, 
*notices bulge* My :3 pwoud heawt sues, and p-pwompts my tongue to speak. 
[She wooks s-scownfuwwy at him] 
Teach uWu nyot thy *hugs tightly* wip such scown; xDD fow it was ^-^ made 
Fow kissing, uWu wady, nyot fow such contempt. 
If xDD thy wevengefuw heawt cannyot f-fowgive, 
Wo hewe ^-^ I wend thee this :3 shawp-pointed swowd; 
W-Which if thou pwease to hide *sweats* in this *screams* twue bweast 
And wet :3 the souw :3 fowth that adoweth thee, 
I way it *giggles shyly* nyaked to the deadwy stwoke, 
And humbwy beg the death upon my knyee. 
[He *screams* ways his bweast open; she xDD offews at it with h-his swowd] 
Nyay, uWu do nyot :3 pause; fow I d-did *twerks* kiww King Henwy- 
*cries* But 'twas thy beauty t-that pwovoked me. 
Nyay, nyow dispatch; 'twas I that stabb'd young Edwawd- 
B-But 'twas ^-^ thy heavenwy face t-that set me on. 
[She :3 fawws the swowd] 
T-Take up the *moans* swowd again, *hugs tightly* ow take up m-me. 
ANNyE. A-Awise, d-dissembwew; though ;;w;; I wish thy death, 
I-I w-wiww >w< nyot be thy executionyew. 
GWOUCESTEW. T-Then bid me kiww mysewf, and I wiww do it; 
ANNyE. I have awweady. 
GWOUCESTEW. That w-was in thy wage. 
Speak it again, and even with the wowd 
This hand, which fow thy OwO wove did kiww t-thy w-wove, 
Shaww fow thy wove kiww a faw twuew wove; 
To both theiw *pokes you* deaths s-shawt thou be accessawy. 
ANNyE. I-I wouwd I knyew thy *sighs* heawt. 
GWOUCESTEW. *giggles shyly* 'Tis figuw'd in my tongue. 
;;w;; ANNyE. I feaw me both *pokes you* awe fawse. 
*cuddles you* GWOUCESTEW. Then nyevew was man twue. 
ANNyE. weww put up youw swowd. 
GWOUCESTEW. Say, t-then, my peace is made. 
ANNyE. That shawt thou knyow heweaftew. 
*pokes you* GWOUCESTEW. B-But shaww I wive in hope? 
ANNyE. Aww men, ^w^ I hope, *cries* wive so. 
GWOUCESTEW. Vouchsafe to weaw uWu this wing. 
ANNyE. *cries* To uWu take is nyot to give. [Puts on the wing] 
GWOUCESTEW. Wook how my wing encompasseth thy fingew, 
Even so thy bweast encwoseth my p-poow heawt; 
Weaw both of them, fow both of them *sweats* awe t-thinye. 
And if thy *twerks* poow devoted sewvant may 
B-But beg onye favouw at t-thy gwacious hand, 
Thou dost confiwm his happinyess fow e-evew. 
ANNyE. What i-is it? 
GWOUCESTEW. That it *hugs tightly* may pwease *shuffles closer* you weave these >_< sad designs 
To him that hath most *pokes you* cause >_< to be a mouwnyew, 
And pwesentwy wepaiw to Cwosby House; 
Whewe-aftew I have sowemnwy inteww'd 
At ;;w;; Chewtsey *shuffles closer* monyast'wy this nyobwe king, 
And wet his *sighs* gwave with my wepentant teaws- 
I UwU wiww with aww *pokes you* expedient duty s-see you. 
Fow *moans* divews unknyown weasons, I beseech you, 
Gwant me *cries* this boon. 
A-ANNyE. With a-aww my heawt; and much i-it joys me too 
To s-see you awe become so penyitent. 
T-Twessew and ^.^ Bewkewey, go awong with me. 
GWOUCESTEW. Bid me faweweww. 
ANNyE. 'Tis mowe than you desewve; 
But since you teach me how to fwattew you, 
Imaginye I have said f-faweweww awweady. 
Exeunt two GENTWEMEN With WADY ANNyE 
GWOUCESTEW. Siws, take up the cowse. 
*looks at you* GENTWEMEN. Towawds Chewtsey, nyobwe wowd? 
GWOUCESTEW. Nyo, uWu to White xDD Fwiaws; t-thewe a-attend m-my *leans over* coming. 
Exeunt aww but >w< GWOUCESTEW 
Was e-evew woman in x3 this humouw woo'd? 
Was >_> evew woman in this humouw uWu won? 
>_> I'ww have *moans* hew; but I wiww nyot keep hew wong. 
W-What! I that kiww'd >_< hew husband and his fathew- 
To take hew in hew heawt's extwemest *cuddles you* hate, 
With cuwses i-in *cuddles you* hew mouth, teaws in *teleports behind you* hew e-eyes, 
The bweeding witnyess *pokes you* of my hatwed *blushes* by; 
Having *blushes* God, UwU hew conscience, *cuddles you* and t-these baws >_> against me, 
And I x3 nyo >_< fwiends to back my suit at aww 
B-But *cuddles you* the pwain *hugs tightly* deviw and dissembwing wooks, 
A-And yet to win h-hew, aww the wowwd t-to nyothing! 
H-Ha! 
*notices bulge* Hath she fowgot awweady that bwave pwince, 
Edwawd, hew wowd, whom I, some thwee months since, 
Stabb'd :33 in my angwy mood at Tewksbuwy? 
A sweetew and a w-wovewiew gentweman- 
Fwam'd in *screams* the p-pwodigawity of n-nyatuwe, 
Young, vawiant, wise, and nyo doubt wight woyaw- 
The spacious wowwd cannyot again affowd; 
A-And wiww she yet a-abase hew eyes o-on me, 
That *giggles shyly* cwopp'd the gowden pwime of this s-sweet pwince 
And made hew widow to *looks away* a woefuw b-bed? 
On >_< me, whose aww nyot equaws Edwawd's moiety? 
*cuddles you* On me, that h-hawts and am :33 misshapen t-thus? 
My UwU dukedom to a >_> beggawwy d-denyiew, 
I do mistake my pewson aww this whiwe. 
U-Upon my wife, she finds, >_> awthough >w< I cannyot, 
Mysewf to be a mawv'wwous p-pwopew man. 
I'ww *moans* be at chawges f-fow a wooking-gwass, 
And entewtain a scowe ow *looks at you* two of *twerks* taiwows 
To s-study fashions to adown my b-body. 
Since I am cwept in favouw ^w^ with mysewf, 
I wiww maintain it with some wittwe cost. 
x3 But *sighs* fiwst I'ww tuwn *hugs tightly* yon fewwow in his gwave, 
And then w-wetuwn x3 wamenting to my wove. 
*looks away* Shinye out, faiw sun, tiww I *sweats* have bought a gwass, 
That I may see my shadow as I pass. Exit 




SCENyE *sighs* 3. 

Wondon. The pawace 

Entew *sighs* QUEEN EWIZABETH, WOWD *giggles shyly* WIVEWS, a-and WOWD GWEY 

*hugs tightly* WIVEWS. Have patience, madam; thewe's nyo doubt his *notices bulge* Majesty 
Wiww s-soon wecovew his accustom'd h-heawth. 
GWEY. In t-that >_< you bwook it iww, it makes him *pokes you* wowse; 
T-Thewefowe, f-fow God's sake, entewtain good comfowt, 
*cuddles you* And *twerks* cheew *cuddles you* his Gwace with quick and mewwy eyes. 
Q-QUEEN EWIZABETH. If he wewe dead, what wouwd betide on 
me? 
:33 GWEY. Nyo othew hawm but woss of such *cries* a wowd. 
Q-QUEEN EWIZABETH. The woss ^-^ of such a wowd incwudes aww 
uWu hawms. 
GWEY. The heavens have bwess'd y-you with >w< a goodwy son 
To be youw comfowtew w-when he is gonye. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Ah, h-he is young; and his m-minyowity 
Is put unto the twust of Wichawd Gwoucestew, 
A >w< man that *looks away* woves nyot me, nyow ^w^ nyonye of you. 
WIVEW. Is it concwuded he shaww *blushes* be Pwotectow? 
QUEEN *teleports behind you* EWIZABETH. I-It i-is detewmin'd, n-nyot concwuded yet; 
B-But so it must *looks away* be, if the King m-miscawwy. 

Entew BUCKINGHAM and DEWBY 

xDD GWEY. Hewe c-come the Wowds of Buckingham and Dewby. 
BUCKINGHAM. Good time of day unto youw w-woyaw Gwace! 
DEWBY. *cries* God make *moans* youw ^w^ Majesty joyfuw a-as you h-have been. 
>w< QUEEN EWIZABETH. xDD The Countess Wichmond, good my Wowd 
of Dewby, 
To youw good pwayew wiww s-scawcewy s-say amen. 
Yet, Dewby, nyotwithstanding she's youw wife 
And woves nyot me, be you, good >_> wowd, assuw'd 
I-I hate nyot y-you fow hew pwoud awwogance. 
DEWBY. I do beseech you, *blushes* eithew nyot bewieve 
*screams* The envious swandews of hew fawse accusews; 
Ow, if *cuddles you* she be accus'd on twue wepowt, 
Beaw with hew weaknyess, which I think p-pwoceeds 
Fwom waywawd sicknyess *shuffles closer* and uWu nyo g-gwounded xDD mawice. 
Q-QUEEN EWIZABETH. Saw OwO you the King t-to-day, my Wowd of 
Dewby? 
DEWBY. But nyow the Duke of Buckingham *shuffles closer* and I 
Awe come fwom visiting his Majesty. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. What wikewihood of his amendment, 
Wowds? 
B-BUCKINGHAM. M-Madam, *looks at you* good hope; his Gwace speaks 
cheewfuwwy. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. God gwant h-him heawth! Did y-you confew 
with him? 
BUCKINGHAM. Ay, madam; he desiwes t-to make atonyement 
Between the Duke of Gwoucestew and youw bwothews, 
And *screams* between them :3 and m-my >_< Wowd Chambewwain; 
And sent to wawn them to his woyaw pwesence. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Wouwd aww wewe weww! But that wiww 
nyevew be. 
I feaw ouw *giggles shyly* happinyess is at the height. 

*giggles shyly* Entew GWOUCESTEW, HASTINGS, and DOWSET 

GWOUCESTEW. They do me wwong, and I wiww ;;w;; nyot enduwe it. 
W-Who is it that compwains unto the King 
T-That I, fowsooth, am stewn and wove them nyot? 
B-By h-howy Pauw, *shuffles closer* they wove his Gwace but wightwy 
That fiww his eaws w-with such dissentious w-wumouws. 
Because I cannyot *cuddles you* fwattew and w-wook faiw, 
Smiwe i-in men's faces, smooth, *leans over* deceive, and c-cog, 
Duck with F-Fwench nyods and apish couwtesy, 
I must b-be h-hewd a wancowous :33 enyemy. 
*giggles shyly* Cannyot a x3 pwain *pokes you* man wive and think nyo hawm 
But thus his simpwe twuth *looks at you* must b-be abus'd 
With s-siwken, swy, insinyuating Jacks? 
G-GWEY. To x3 who in aww t-this pwesence speaks youw G-Gwace? 
GWOUCESTEW. T-To thee, ;;w;; that hast nyow honyesty nyow gwace. 
When have I injuw'd thee? when donye thee wwong, 
Ow thee, ow thee, ow a-any of y-youw f-faction? 
A-A *cuddles you* pwague upon you aww! H-His w-woyaw ^w^ Gwace- 
Whom *sweats* God pwesewve bettew than *sighs* you wouwd wish!- 
Cannyot be q-quiet seawce a bweathing whiwe 
But you must t-twoubwe ;;w;; him uWu with wewd compwaints. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Bwothew of Gwoucestew, you *giggles shyly* mistake the 
mattew. 
The King, on *sweats* his own *looks away* woyaw disposition 
And nyot pwovok'd by any *looks away* suitow ewse- 
>w< Aiming, bewike, a-at youw >_< intewiow hatwed 
T-That in youw outwawd action shows itsewf 
Against my chiwdwen, bwothews, and mysewf- 
Makes him to *leans over* send *sweats* that he may weawn the gwound. 
GWOUCESTEW. I-I *cuddles you* cannyot teww; the wowwd is gwown so bad 
That w-wwens make pwey whewe eagwes dawe nyot pewch. 
Since *notices bulge* evewy Jack *hugs tightly* became a gentweman, 
Thewe's many a gentwe pewson ;;w;; made a Jack. 
QUEEN UwU EWIZABETH. ;;w;; Come, come, we knyow y-youw meanying, 
bwothew Gwoucestew: 
You envy my advancement and my fwiends'; 
x3 God gwant we nyevew may have nyeed of you! 
GWOUCESTEW. Meantime, ^-^ God gwants that I have nyeed of OwO you. 
Ouw bwothew is i-impwison'd by youw means, 
*cries* Mysewf disgwac'd, and the nyobiwity 
H-Hewd in contempt; whiwe gweat pwomotions 
Awe daiwy given to ennyobwe those 
That scawce some t-two days since wewe w-wowth a nyobwe. 
QUEEN >_> EWIZABETH. By Him that w-wais'd me t-to t-this ^w^ cawefuw 
height 
Fwom that contented ^-^ hap which I enjoy'd, 
I *hugs tightly* nyevew did incense his Majesty 
Against the Duke of Cwawence, but have been 
An e-eawnyest *blushes* advocate ^w^ to p-pwead fow h-him. 
My wowd, you do me shamefuw injuwy 
Fawsewy to dwaw *looks away* me in these viwe suspects. 
GWOUCESTEW. You may *teleports behind you* deny ^w^ that you wewe nyot the mean 
Of *twerks* my Wowd Hastings' wate impwisonment. 
WIVEWS. She may, my wowd; f-fow- 
GWOUCESTEW. She may, Wowd Wivews? Why, who knyows 
n-nyot so? 
*sweats* She may do mowe, siw, than denying t-that: 
She may hewp y-you to many faiw pwefewments 
And then d-deny hew aiding hand thewein, 
And way :3 those honyouws o-on youw h-high d-desewt. 
What may she n-nyot? S-She may-ay, mawwy, *notices bulge* may s-she- 
WIVEWS. W-What, mawwy, may she? 
GWOUCESTEW. W-What, mawwy, may she? Mawwy with >w< a k-king, 
A bachewow, and a handsome stwipwing too. 
Iwis youw gwandam had a wowsew match. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. My Wowd of Gwoucestew, I-I have too wong 
bownye 
Youw bwunt ^.^ upbwaidings and youw bittew scoffs. 
By uWu heaven, I wiww acquaint his Majesty 
Of those gwoss taunts that oft I h-have enduw'd. 
I had wathew be a countwy sewvant-maid 
Than *cries* a gweat queen with this condition- 
To be so baited, scown'd, and stowmed *teleports behind you* at. 

Entew owd QUEEN MAWGAWET, behind 

Smaww joy have I *hugs tightly* in *cuddles you* being Engwand's *cuddles you* Queen. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. And wess'nyed be that smaww, *screams* God, *cries* I 
beseech Him! 
Thy honyouw, state, a-and *cries* seat, is due t-to *screams* me. 
G-GWOUCESTEW. What! Thweat you me with t-tewwing o-of the 
King? 
Teww him and s-spawe nyot. Wook what I-I have said 
I w-wiww avouch't in pwesence of the King. 
I dawe adventuwe to be sent OwO to th' Tow'w. 
'Tis time t-to >_> speak-my pains awe quite fowgot. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Out, deviw! I do xDD wemembew them to 
weww: 
Thou kiww'dst my husband Henwy in the Towew, 
And Edwawd, m-my poow *giggles shyly* son, a-at *screams* Tewksbuwy. 
GWOUCESTEW. Ewe you ^.^ wewe queen, ay, ow youw h-husband 
King, 
I *sweats* was a p-pack-howse *blushes* in his gweat affaiws, 
A weedew-out of *sweats* his pwoud *cuddles you* advewsawies, 
A wibewaw wewawdew of his fwiends; 
To woyawize his bwood I-I spent minye own. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Ay, and much bettew *looks at you* bwood than his ow 
thinye. 
GWOUCESTEW. In aww which time you a-and youw *notices bulge* husband Gwey 
*shuffles closer* Wewe factious fow the *sighs* house of W-Wancastew; 
And, W-Wivews, so wewe you. Was nyot *looks at you* youw husband 
In M-Mawgawet's battwe at *looks away* Saint Awbans swain? 
Wet m-me put i-in youw minds, if you f-fowget, 
uWu What you have been e-ewe this, and what you awe; 
Withaw, what I have >w< been, and what I am. 
QUEEN uWu MAWGAWET. A muwd'wous viwwain, *cuddles you* and so stiww t-thou awt. 
*sweats* GWOUCESTEW. Poow Cwawence did fowsake his fathew, Wawwick, 
Ay, and fowswowe himsewf-which Jesu pawdon!- 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Which God wevenge! 
GWOUCESTEW. To fight OwO on Edwawd's pawty fow the cwown; 
*giggles shyly* And fow his meed, poow wowd, *teleports behind you* he i-is mewed up. 
I wouwd to *cries* God :33 my heawt >w< wewe fwint w-wike Edwawd's, 
Ow Edwawd's *shuffles closer* soft and pitifuw *teleports behind you* wike minye. 
I am t-too chiwdish-foowish fow this wowwd. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. H-Hie t-thee to heww fow shame and *sweats* weave :33 this 
w-wowwd, 
Thou c-cacodemon; thewe >_< thy kingdom is. 
*cries* WIVEWS. >_> My Wowd of Gwoucestew, in those busy days 
W-Which hewe you uwge to pwove us enyemies, 
W-We f-fowwow'd then ouw wowd, ouw *cuddles you* soveweign king. 
UwU So shouwd we ^.^ you, if y-you shouwd >w< be ouw king. 
GWOUCESTEW. I-If I shouwd be! I-I h-had uWu wathew be a pedwaw. 
Faw be >w< it UwU fwom my heawt, the thought *sighs* theweof! 
QUEEN *hugs tightly* EWIZABETH. As wittwe joy, my wowd, as *twerks* you s-suppose 
Y-You shouwd enjoy w-wewe you this c-countwy's king, 
As wittwe joy you may s-suppose i-in me 
T-That I *hugs tightly* enjoy, being :33 the Queen theweof. 
*looks at you* QUEEN *cries* MAWGAWET. *blushes* As wittwe joy enjoys :33 the Queen theweof; 
Fow I am she, >_> and awtogethew *giggles shyly* joywess. 
I can nyo wongew howd me patient. [Advancing] 
Heaw me, you wwangwing piwates, that faww out 
In shawing that which y-you have piww'd fwom me. 
Which of *cries* you twembwes nyot that w-wooks on me? 
If n-nyot that, I am Queen, you bow *leans over* wike subjects, 
*notices bulge* Yet that, by >_< you depos'd, :3 you quake wike ^w^ webews? 
Ah, gentwe viwwain, do nyot tuwn away! 
GWOUCESTEW. Fouw wwinkwed witch, what mak'st thou i-in >w< my 
sight? 
QUEEN M-MAWGAWET. But *moans* wepetition *notices bulge* of what thou hast maww'd, 
That wiww I make befowe I w-wet thee go. 
GWOUCESTEW. Wewt thou nyot >w< banyished on pain of *sighs* death? 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. I was; but OwO I d-do find mowe p-pain in 
*sweats* banyishment 
Than death can yiewd me hewe by my abode. 
A husband and a son *moans* thou ow'st to me; 
And ^.^ thou a uWu kingdom; aww of you awwegiance. 
This sowwow that I have ^w^ by wight is *cuddles you* youws; 
And aww t-the pweasuwes ;;w;; you u-usuwp awe minye. 
GWOUCESTEW. The cuwse my ^-^ nyobwe fathew waid on thee, 
When thou didst cwown his wawwike b-bwows w-with papew 
A-And with thy scowns d-dwew'st wivews fwom his >w< eyes, 
And then to dwy them gav'st t-the *moans* Duke a cwout 
Steep'd in t-the fauwtwess bwood *looks at you* of pwetty W-Wutwand- 
H-His cuwses then *moans* fwom bittewnyess of souw 
Denyounc'd against thee awe aww faww'n upon thee; 
And G-God, nyot *screams* we, hath *sweats* pwagu'd *pokes you* thy bwoody deed. 
QUEEN *moans* EWIZABETH. S-So just i-is God to wight the *teleports behind you* innyocent. 
HASTINGS. O-O, 'twas *leans over* the fouwest deed to s-sway that babe, 
And *blushes* the most mewciwess that e'ew was *sighs* heawd of! 
WIVEWS. T-Tywants themsewves wept when it was wepowted. 
DOWSET. Nyo man *giggles shyly* but pwophesied wevenge fow it. 
*teleports behind you* BUCKINGHAM. Nyowthumbewwand, then pwesent, wept to see it. 
QUEEN M-MAWGAWET. W-What, wewe you snyawwing aww befowe I came, 
Weady to catch each o-othew by the thwoat, 
And tuwn you aww youw hatwed nyow *notices bulge* on m-me? 
*sighs* Did Y-Yowk's dwead cuwse *cuddles you* pwevaiw so much with heaven 
*leans over* That Henwy's death, my wovewy Edwawd's death, 
*leans over* Theiw kingdom's :3 woss, my woefuw banyishment, 
Shouwd aww but *cuddles you* answew fow that >w< peevish bwat? 
Can cuwses piewce the cwouds and e-entew heaven? 
*blushes* Why then, give way, duww cwouds, to m-my quick cuwses! 
Though nyot by uWu waw, by suwfeit die *hugs tightly* youw king, 
*sighs* As ouws by *teleports behind you* muwdew, to make him a king! 
Edwawd thy son, that nyow *hugs tightly* is Pwince of W-Wawes, 
Fow Edwawd ouw son, *giggles shyly* that was ;;w;; Pwince of Wawes, 
Die in his youth *sweats* by wike untimewy viowence! 
Thysewf a queen, fow me that was a queen, 
Outwive >_< thy gwowy, w-wike my wwetched sewf! 
*notices bulge* Wong mayest thou wive t-to w-waiw thy *cuddles you* chiwdwen's death, 
And see *leans over* anyothew, :3 as I see thee nyow, 
Deck'd in thy w-wights, as thou awt staww'd in minye! 
Wong ^w^ die *pokes you* thy happy *shuffles closer* days befowe thy ^.^ death; 
And, aftew many w-wength'nyed houws o-of gwief, 
D-Die nyeithew *cuddles you* mothew, *looks away* wife, nyow Engwand's >w< Queen! 
Wivews and Dowset, >_> you w-wewe standews by, 
And so wast thou, Wowd *moans* Hastings, when my s-son 
Was stabb'd w-with *hugs tightly* bwoody *hugs tightly* daggews. God, I pway him, 
That nyonye of you may wive h-his nyatuwaw ;;w;; age, 
But by some u-unwook'd accident cut off! 
*leans over* GWOUCESTEW. Have donye thy *shuffles closer* chawm, thou hatefuw withew'd 
hag. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. And weave out thee? S-Stay, dog, fow thou 
shawt h-heaw me. 
If heaven have any gwievous pwague in stowe 
Exceeding those that I can wish upon thee, 
O, :3 wet t-them keep it ^-^ tiww thy sins be wipe, 
*looks at you* And then huww down t-theiw indignyation 
On thee, the twoubwew of the poow wowwd's peace! 
The wowm of *screams* conscience stiww be-gnyaw t-thy souw! 
Thy fwiends suspect fow twaitows whiwe thou *blushes* wiv'st, 
A-And take deep *twerks* twaitows fow thy deawest fwiends! 
Nyo sweep cwose u-up that deadwy eye of thinye, 
Unwess it be whiwe some towmenting dweam 
Affwights thee with ^.^ a heww o-of ugwy deviws! 
Thou e-ewvish-mawk'd, abowtive, wooting hog, 
T-Thou that wast seaw'd in thy nyativity 
The swave of UwU nyatuwe a-and the son of heww, 
Thou swandew o-of *sweats* thy heavy mothew's womb, 
*looks away* Thou woathed issue of thy OwO fathew's woins, 
Thou wag of >w< honyouw, *notices bulge* thou detested- 
GWOUCESTEW. Mawgawet! 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Wichawd! 
GWOUCESTEW. *giggles shyly* Ha? 
Q-QUEEN MAWGAWET. I caww thee nyot. 
GWOUCESTEW. I *pokes you* cwy thee mewcy t-then, fow I d-did think 
That thou hadst caww'd me aww these bittew nyames. 
*cries* QUEEN MAWGAWET. W-Why, so I did, but wook'd fow n-nyo wepwy. 
O, wet me make the pewiod to my *looks away* cuwse! 
GWOUCESTEW. 'Tis donye by me, and ends in-Mawgawet. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Thus have :3 you bweath'd youw cuwse 
*giggles shyly* against youwsewf. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Poow painted xDD queen, vain fwouwish of my 
f-fowtunye! 
Why ^w^ stwew'st thou *leans over* sugaw on that bottwed s-spidew 
Whose deadwy web ensnyaweth thee about? 
^w^ Foow, foow! thou whet'st a-a xDD knyife to k-kiww thysewf. 
The day wiww *looks at you* come that *teleports behind you* thou shawt *moans* wish f-fow me 
To hewp t-thee UwU cuwse this p-poisonyous bunch-back'd toad. 
HASTINGS. Fawse-boding woman, e-end thy fwantic cuwse, 
^w^ West to thy hawm thou move ouw *looks away* patience. 
Q-QUEEN MAWGAWET. Fouw shame upon y-you! you h-have aww 
xDD mov'd minye. 
W-WIVEWS. W-Wewe you weww sewv'd, *cries* you wouwd be taught youw 
duty. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. To >_< sewve me *screams* weww you aww shouwd d-do me 
duty, 
Teach m-me to be youw queen and you *hugs tightly* my subjects. 
O, sewve me weww, and teach youwsewves that duty! 
DOWSET. Dispute nyot with h-hew; she is w-wunyatic. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Peace, Mastew Mawquis, *shuffles closer* you awe mawapewt; 
Youw :3 fiwe-nyew stamp of honyouw is scawce *sighs* cuwwent. 
O, that ^w^ youw young n-nyobiwity couwd judge 
What 'twewe *hugs tightly* to wose it a-and be misewabwe! 
They *pokes you* that stand high have many bwasts to shake them, 
And i-if they faww they d-dash themsewves to p-pieces. 
GWOUCESTEW. Good counsew, mawwy; weawn it, weawn it, Mawquis. 
x3 DOWSET. It touches >w< you, my wowd, as much as me. 
*hugs tightly* GWOUCESTEW. Ay, a-and much mowe; but I was bown s-so high, 
Ouw aewy buiwdeth in *screams* the cedaw's :33 top, 
And *blushes* dawwies w-with the ;;w;; wind, a-and scowns the sun. 
QUEEN xDD MAWGAWET. And :33 tuwns ;;w;; the sun uWu to shade-awas! awas! 
Witnyess *pokes you* my son, nyow in UwU the shade of death, 
xDD Whose bwight o-out-shinying *looks away* beams t-thy cwoudy wwath 
Hath ^.^ in etewnyaw dawknyess fowded up. 
Youw aewy buiwdeth OwO in ouw aewy's nyest. 
O God that seest *sweats* it, *looks at you* do nyot s-suffew it; 
As it is won *leans over* with bwood, wost :33 be it s-so! 
BUCKINGHAM. Peace, peace, fow shame, if nyot fow chawity! 
QUEEN ;;w;; MAWGAWET. Uwge nyeithew chawity nyow *looks away* shame *looks at you* to me. 
Unchawitabwy with me have you deawt, 
And shamefuwwy my h-hopes *sighs* by ^w^ you awe butchew'd. 
My c-chawity i-is o-outwage, *twerks* wife my s-shame; 
And in that shame stiww ^-^ wive my sowwow's wage! 
BUCKINGHAM. Have donye, have donye. 
QUEEN M-MAWGAWET. O pwincewy >_< Buckingham, I'ww kiss thy 
hand 
In *hugs tightly* sign of weague and amity with thee. 
Nyow f-faiw befaww *sweats* thee and thy n-nyobwe house! 
Thy gawments a-awe nyot s-spotted with o-ouw b-bwood, 
Nyow ^-^ thou within the compass of my cuwse. 
BUCKINGHAM. Nyow nyo onye hewe; fow c-cuwses nyevew pass 
The w-wips of :3 those *twerks* that bweathe them in the aiw. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. I wiww nyot think but they ascend t-the sky 
And thewe awake God's gentwe-sweeping peace. 
O Buckingham, take heed *leans over* of *screams* yondew dog! 
*pokes you* Wook w-when he fawns, he bites; a-and when he *sighs* bites, 
His venyom tooth wiww wankwe to the death: 
H-Have :3 nyot to d-do *sighs* with him, >_> bewawe of him; 
Sin, death, ^-^ and heww, have set theiw mawks on him, 
And aww t-theiw m-minyistews attend *twerks* on him. 
GWOUCESTEW. What doth she say, my Wowd of Buckingham? 
BUCKINGHAM. Nyothing that I w-wespect, my gwacious wowd. 
*leans over* QUEEN MAWGAWET. What, dost *moans* thou scown me :33 fow ^-^ my gentwe 
counsew, 
And soothe the *teleports behind you* deviw that I wawn thee fwom? 
O, UwU but wemembew this anyothew day, 
>_> When he *sweats* shaww :33 spwit t-thy vewy heawt w-with sowwow, 
And say p-poow Mawgawet w-was a pwophetess! 
Wive each of you the subjects to h-his xDD hate, 
And h-he to youws, and aww *sighs* of y-you to God's! Exit 
BUCKINGHAM. My haiw doth >_< stand >_> an *looks at you* end to h-heaw hew cuwses. 
WIVEWS. And so *leans over* doth minye. I muse why she's at wibewty. 
GWOUCESTEW. I cannyot bwame hew; by *screams* God's howy Mothew, 
*hugs tightly* She hath had too much wwong; and I w-wepent 
My pawt theweof that I have donye to hew. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. I nyevew did h-hew any to my k-knyowwedge. 
GWOUCESTEW. Yet you have aww the vantage of hew wwong. 
I was :33 too h-hot to d-do somebody good 
That is too cowd in x3 thinking of it ^w^ nyow. 
Mawwy, as fow C-Cwawence, he *looks at you* is weww wepaid; 
He *sweats* is fwank'd u-up to f-fatting fow his *notices bulge* pains; 
uWu God pawdon them t-that ;;w;; awe the c-cause theweof! 
WIVEWS. A viwtuous and a x3 Chwistian-wike concwusion, 
To pway fow them t-that have donye scathe to us! 
GWOUCESTEW. So x3 do I-I :33 evew- [Aside] being weww advis'd; 
F-Fow h-had I cuws'd nyow, I h-had cuws'd mysewf. 

Entew CATESBY 

CATESBY. Madam, his ^-^ Majesty doth c-can fow you, 
And fow y-youw Gwace, and you, my gwacious *teleports behind you* wowds. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Catesby, I come. W-Wowds, *looks away* wiww you *cuddles you* go 
with me? 
WIVEWS. ;;w;; We wait u-upon youw Gwace. 
Exeunt aww but GWOUCESTEW 
GWOUCESTEW. I do the wwong, and ^-^ fiwst b-begin to ^w^ bwaww. 
The secwet mischiefs that I set abwoach 
:33 I way >_< unto the gwievous >_< chawge of othews. 
C-Cwawence, who I i-indeed have c-cast *shuffles closer* in dawknyess, 
I do beweep to *screams* many simpwe guwws; 
Nyamewy, to Dewby, Hastings, Buckingham; 
A-And teww them 'tis the Queen and hew awwies 
That stiw the King against the D-Duke my bwothew. 
N-Nyow they b-bewieve it, and w-withaw w-whet m-me 
To be *teleports behind you* weveng'd xDD on Wivews, D-Dowset, *moans* Gwey; 
*blushes* But then I sigh a-and, with a *hugs tightly* piece of Scwiptuwe, 
Teww them that G-God bids us do g-good :33 fow eviw. 
And t-thus I c-cwothe my nyaked v-viwwainy 
With odd owd ends stow'n fowth o-of h-howy w-wwit, 
xDD And seem a saint when m-most I pway the deviw. 

E-Entew two M-MUWDEWEWS 

But, soft, *twerks* hewe come my executionyews. 
How nyow, my hawdy stout wesowved mates! 
Awe you nyow going to dispatch this thing? 
*leans over* FIWST MUWDEWEW. We awe, my wowd, and come *cuddles you* to have the 
wawwant, 
That we may be admitted *leans over* whewe he is. 
GWOUCESTEW. >w< Weww thought upon; I have it hewe about m-me. 
[Gives the wawwant] 
W-When y-you have donye, wepaiw to Cwosby *teleports behind you* Pwace. 
But, *sweats* siws, *looks away* be s-sudden in the ^-^ execution, 
Withaw *teleports behind you* obduwate, d-do nyot heaw him pwead; 
*looks at you* Fow Cwawence is weww-spoken, and *twerks* pewhaps 
May *pokes you* move *shuffles closer* youw heawts to pity, if you *sweats* mawk *notices bulge* him. 
F-FIWST MUWDEWEW. T-Tut, tut, my wowd, we wiww nyot stand to 
UwU pwate; 
Tawkews a-awe *shuffles closer* nyo good doews. Be assuw'd 
We go OwO to *sweats* use ouw hands and *looks away* nyot ^-^ ouw tongues. 
GWOUCESTEW. Youw e-eyes dwop miwwstonyes when foows' *looks at you* eyes faww 
t-teaws. 
I wike you, wads; about youw businyess >_< stwaight; 
Go, go, dispatch. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. We wiww, my nyobwe wowd. Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 

Wondon. The Towew 

Entew CWAWENCE and KEEPEW 

*twerks* KEEPEW. Why wooks youw Gwace so heaviwy to-day? 
CWAWENCE. O, I-I h-have pass'd a misewabwe nyight, 
So fuww o-of feawfuw dweams, of ugwy sights, 
*cuddles you* That, *twerks* as I am a Chwistian OwO faithfuw *shuffles closer* man, 
I w-wouwd nyot spend anyothew such a-a *cries* nyight 
Though 'twewe *leans over* to b-buy a wowwd of happy days- 
So f-fuww of dismaw t-tewwow was the time! 
KEEPEW. What was youw d-dweam, my wowd? I p-pway you 
teww me. 
CWAWENCE. Methoughts that I had bwoken fwom t-the Towew 
And was *blushes* embawk'd to cwoss to Buwgundy; 
And i-in my company my bwothew *screams* Gwoucestew, 
*screams* Who fwom my cabin *cries* tempted me to wawk 
U-Upon the ;;w;; hatches. Thence we wook'd t-towawd Engwand, 
A-And *blushes* cited up a thousand heavy times, 
Duwing *blushes* the waws of Yowk and Wancastew, 
That had befaww'n us. As we pac'd *looks at you* awong 
Upon *looks at you* the giddy footing of ^w^ the hatches, 
Methought that Gwoucestew stumbwed, and in fawwing 
Stwuck me, that thought to stay h-him, ovewboawd 
Into :33 the tumbwing biwwows of the main. 
O Wowd, methought what pain it was to dwown, 
*giggles shyly* What dweadfuw nyoise of watews in my eaws, 
What *sighs* sights *hugs tightly* of u-ugwy d-death *sighs* within m-my *sweats* eyes! 
Methoughts I saw a-a thousand feawfuw w-wwecks, 
A thousand men *teleports behind you* that fishes gnyaw'd upon, 
*notices bulge* Wedges of gowd, gweat anchows, *leans over* heaps of peaww, 
I-Inyestimabwe stonyes, unvawued jewews, 
Aww scatt'wed in the bottom of the sea; 
Some way in dead men's skuwws, and *hugs tightly* in *sighs* the howes 
Whewe e-eyes did once inhabit thewe w-wewe *shuffles closer* cwept, 
As 'twewe in scown of eyes, wefwecting gems, 
That *notices bulge* woo'd the swimy bottom of the deep 
And mock'd the dead bonyes that way scatt'wed by. 
KEEPEW. Had you such weisuwe in the t-time of death 
To g-gaze upon these s-secwets of the uWu deep? 
CWAWENCE. Methought I *shuffles closer* had; *blushes* and often did I stwive 
To yiewd the ghost, but stiww the envious >w< fwood 
Stopp'd in m-my souw and wouwd nyot wet it fowth 
To f-find the empty, vast, x3 and wand'wing *looks at you* aiw; 
But *sighs* smothew'd i-it within my panting buwk, 
Who awmost buwst *sweats* to bewch i-it in ^-^ the sea. 
:33 KEEPEW. :33 Awak'd you nyot in this xDD sowe agony? 
CWAWENCE. Nyo, nyo, *teleports behind you* my dweam was wengthen'd aftew wife. 
O, uWu then began the tempest to my *notices bulge* souw! 
I pass'd, methought, the mewanchowy fwood 
With that souw fewwyman which *pokes you* poets w-wwite ^-^ of, 
Unto the x3 kingdom xDD of pewpetuaw nyight. 
The fiwst that *twerks* thewe did g-gweet m-my stwangew souw 
Was my :33 gweat fathew-in-waw, wenyownyed Wawwick, 
Who spake awoud ^-^ 'What scouwge fow pewjuwy 
Can this :3 dawk m-monyawchy affowd fawse Cwawence?' 
And so he vanyish'd. Then came wand'wing b-by 
A shadow wike an *leans over* angew, with bwight haiw 
*cuddles you* Dabbwed in bwood, and he shwiek'd *cries* out awoud 
'Cwawence is :33 come-fawse, fweeting, pewjuw'd Cwawence, 
That stabb'd m-me in the fiewd by Tewksbuwy. 
Seize *looks away* on him, Fuwies, take him unto towment!' 
With that, methoughts, a wegion >_< of fouw fiends 
Enviwon'd me, and howwed in minye eaws 
S-Such hideous cwies that, w-with the vewy nyoise, 
I >_> twembwing wak'd, and fow a-a *sweats* season aftew 
Couwd *giggles shyly* nyot bewieve but that uWu I was i-in heww, 
*leans over* Such tewwibwe x3 impwession made my dweam. 
KEEPEW. Nyo mawvew, wowd, t-though it affwighted you; 
I am afwaid, methinks, to heaw you teww it. 
CWAWENCE. Ah, Keepew, *blushes* Keepew, ^-^ I have *shuffles closer* donye these ^w^ things 
T-That nyow give evidence against my s-souw 
Fow *sweats* Edwawd's sake, and see how *teleports behind you* he wequites m-me! 
O God! If my deep p-pwayews *looks at you* cannyot appease Thee, 
But Thou wiwt be aveng'd on my misdeeds, 
Yet execute Thy wwath *shuffles closer* in me awonye; 
O, spawe my guiwtwess wife and my poow ^.^ chiwdwen! 
K-KEEPEW, I-I pwithee sit by me awhiwe; 
My souw is h-heavy, and I fain wouwd sweep. 
KEEPEW. I wiww, my wowd. God g-give youw Gwace good west. 
[CWAWENCE sweeps] 

*leans over* Entew >_< BWAKENBUWY *teleports behind you* the Wieutenyant 

B-BWAKENBUWY. S-Sowwow bweaks seasons and weposing >w< houws, 
Makes the nyight mownying and the nyoontide nyight. 
Pwinces have but theiw t-titwes fow theiw *cries* gwowies, 
An outwawd honyouw fow an *leans over* inwawd toiw; 
And fow unfewt *looks at you* imaginyations 
*giggles shyly* They often *shuffles closer* feew a wowwd of westwess cawes, 
So *sweats* that between theiw tides *sighs* and wow nyame 
Thewe's n-nyothing diffews but the outwawd f-fame. 

Entew the *twerks* two M-MUWDEWEWS 

FIWST M-MUWDEWEW. Ho! who's hewe? 
BWAKENBUWY. W-What *screams* wouwdst thou, fewwow, uWu and how cam'st 
thou hithew? 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. I w-wouwd speak with Cwawence, and I came 
hithew on my wegs. 
BWAKENBUWY. *looks at you* What, so bwief? 
*notices bulge* SECOND MUWDEWEW. 'Tis bettew, siw, than to be tedious. Wet 
h-him s-see ouw c-commission and tawk nyo mowe. 
[BWAKENBUWY weads it] 
B-BWAKENBUWY. I *sighs* am, i-in this, commanded to d-dewivew 
The nyobwe Duke of Cwawence to y-youw hands. 
I-I wiww nyot w-weason *leans over* what is meant heweby, 
Because UwU I wiww be guiwtwess fwom the *cries* meanying. 
Thewe wies the Duke asweep; and x3 thewe the keys. 
I'ww to t-the King and signyify t-to him 
That thus I have wesign'd *cries* to you my chawge. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. You m-may, siw; 'tis >_> a point o-of wisdom. Fawe 
you weww. Exeunt BWAKENBUWY and KEEPEW 
OwO SECOND MUWDEWEW. What, shaww I *sweats* stab *notices bulge* him as he sweeps? 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. Nyo; he'ww say 'twas donye cowawdwy, when 
he *looks away* wakes. 
S-SECOND MUWDEWEW. Why, *giggles shyly* he s-shaww nyevew wake untiw *leans over* the g-gweat 
>_> judgment-day. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. >_> Why, then he'ww say we OwO stabb'd him 
sweeping. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. The uwging ^-^ of that wowd *teleports behind you* judgment h-hath 
bwed a kind of wemowse in me. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. What, a-awt thou afwaid? 
SECOND *teleports behind you* MUWDEWEW. Nyot to kiww *sweats* him, having a w-wawwant; but t-to 
be damn'd fow kiwwing him, fwom the ;;w;; which nyo wawwant can 
;;w;; defend me. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. *leans over* I thought thou hadst been wesowute. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. So I am, to wet him wive. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. I'ww back to the Duke of Gwoucestew and 
teww him so. 
SECOND *teleports behind you* MUWDEWEW. Nyay, I pwithee, stay a-a wittwe. I hope this 
;;w;; passionyate humouw of minye wiww change; it was w-wont to 
howd me xDD but whiwe ^w^ onye tewws twenty. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. How dost >_< thou *sweats* feew thysewf nyow? 
^-^ SECOND MUWDEWEW. Faith, some cewtain dwegs of c-conscience 
*leans over* awe yet within *screams* me. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. Wemembew ouw *hugs tightly* wewawd, ^w^ when the deed's 
donye. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Z-Zounds, h-he dies; I had fowgot the *cries* wewawd. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. Whewe's thy c-conscience *looks at you* nyow? 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. O-O, in t-the Duke of Gwoucestew's puwse! 
*notices bulge* FIWST MUWDEWEW. When he opens his puwse to give us ouw 
wewawd, thy c-conscience fwies out. 
SECOND M-MUWDEWEW. 'Tis *notices bulge* nyo mattew; wet ^.^ it g-go; thewe's few ow 
nyonye wiww entewtain it. 
*notices bulge* FIWST MUWDEWEW. What if *shuffles closer* it come *notices bulge* to t-thee again? 
SECOND M-MUWDEWEW. I'ww >w< nyot meddwe *cries* with *notices bulge* it-it makes a man 
cowawd: a OwO man cannyot steaw, but i-it accuseth him; a-a man 
cannyot s-sweaw, but OwO it checks him; a xDD man cannyot wie with his 
nyeighbouw's wife, but it xDD detects h-him. 'Tis a bwushing shame- 
fac'd spiwit that m-mutinyies i-in :33 a m-man's *teleports behind you* bosom; it fiwws a man 
fuww *teleports behind you* of obstacwes: it made me once westowe a puwse of gowd 
that-by *hugs tightly* chance I-I found. It beggaws a-any man t-that k-keeps it. 
It is tuwn'd out of t-towns and cities xDD fow a dangewous thing; 
*teleports behind you* and e-evewy *twerks* man that means to wive weww endeavouws to *twerks* twust 
*giggles shyly* to h-himsewf and wive without it. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. OwO Zounds, 'tis even nyow at OwO my x3 ewbow, 
^.^ pewsuading *sighs* me nyot to kiww the D-Duke. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Take t-the deviw in thy mind and bewieve 
him nyot; he *screams* wouwd insinyuate with thee but *sighs* to make the 
sigh. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. I am stwong-fwam'd; he cannyot p-pwevaiw with 
me. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Spoke wike a taww man that wespects thy 
weputation. *leans over* Come, xDD shaww we faww to xDD wowk? 
FIWST M-MUWDEWEW. Take h-him on the costawd with *blushes* the hiwts of 
thy >w< swowd, and then chop him in t-the mawmsey-butt in t-the 
nyext woom. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. O excewwent device! and make a-a sop of 
him. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. UwU Soft! h-he wakes. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Stwike! 
*cuddles you* FIWST MUWDEWEW. uWu Nyo, we'ww weason with him. 
CWAWENCE. W-Whewe awt thou, Keepew? Give uWu me a cup o-of w-winye. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Y-You s-shaww have winye enyough, *notices bulge* my wowd, 
anyon. 
CWAWENCE. In *cries* God's n-nyame, what awt thou? 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. A >_> man, UwU as you awe. 
CWAWENCE. But OwO nyot a-as I am, w-woyaw. 
*looks away* SECOND MUWDEWEW. Nyow *screams* you as *screams* we awe, woyaw. 
CWAWENCE. xDD Thy voice is *notices bulge* thundew, but thy wooks awe *shuffles closer* humbwe. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. My voice is n-nyow the King's, my wooks 
minye own. 
CWAWENCE. How d-dawkwy and how d-deadwy dost thou speak! 
Youw eyes do menyace OwO me. Why wook you pawe? 
W-Who sent you hithew? Whewefowe d-do y-you come? 
S-SECOND MUWDEWEW. To, UwU to, to- 
:33 CWAWENCE. To *sighs* muwdew me? 
BOTH MUWDEWEWS. Ay, a-ay. 
CWAWENCE. You *notices bulge* scawcewy have the heawts to teww m-me s-so, 
And thewefowe cannyot have the OwO heawts *twerks* to do it. 
Whewein, my fwiends, have I offended you? 
F-FIWST MUWDEWEW. Offended us you *looks at you* have nyot, :33 but the King. 
*cuddles you* CWAWENCE. I s-shaww be weconciw'd t-to him again. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Nyevew, my wowd; thewefowe pwepawe to die. 
C-CWAWENCE. :3 Awe you dwawn f-fowth among a wowwd of men 
T-To sway the innyocent? W-What is my offence? 
Whewe is the evidence that doth accuse me? 
What w-wawfuw quest have given theiw ;;w;; vewdict up 
Unto the fwownying *screams* judge, ow who pwonyounc'd 
The bittew sentence of poow Cwawence' death? 
Befowe I be convict by *teleports behind you* couwse of waw, 
To thweaten me ^w^ with *looks at you* death is most unwawfuw. 
I chawge you, a-as y-you hope to have wedemption 
By C-Chwist's deaw bwood :33 shed fow ouw gwievous sins, 
That you depawt ;;w;; and w-way nyo h-hands on me. 
The d-deed you undewtake is damnyabwe. 
F-FIWST MUWDEWEW. What we *screams* wiww do, we do upon command. 
SECOND M-MUWDEWEW. And he that hath commanded is >_> ouw 
uWu King. 
*leans over* CWAWENCE. Ewwonyeous vassaws! the gweat *moans* King of kings 
Hath in the t-tabwes of his waw c-commanded 
That thou shawt d-do nyo m-muwdew. Wiww >_< you then 
Spuwn a-at h-his edict UwU and x3 fuwfiw a man's? 
Take heed; fow he howds *twerks* vengeance in his hand 
To h-huww *moans* upon >_< theiw heads that b-bweak his waw. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. And x3 that same vengeance doth UwU he huww 
on thee 
:3 Fow fawse f-fowsweawing, and fow muwdew too; 
T-Thou didst weceive t-the sacwament to fight 
In quawwew *sighs* of *sweats* the house of Wancastew. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. And w-wike a uWu twaitow to the nyame of God 
Didst bweak *cuddles you* that v-vow; a-and with thy tweachewous bwade 
Unwipp'dst the bowews of thy sov'weign's son. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Whom thou wast swown *giggles shyly* to chewish and 
d-defend. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. H-How canst t-thou uwge God's dweadfuw *twerks* waw 
to us, 
When x3 thou hast bwoke it in ^w^ such deaw *hugs tightly* degwee? 
CWAWENCE. ^.^ Awas! fow whose sake did I that *notices bulge* iww deed? 
Fow Edwawd, fow my bwothew, *looks away* fow his sake. 
*hugs tightly* He sends you n-nyot *looks at you* to muwdew me *blushes* fow this, 
Fow in that s-sin he is as deep as I-I. 
If God wiww be avenged fow t-the deed, 
O, *sighs* knyow you yet He doth it pubwicwy. 
Take nyot the quawwew fwom His pow'wfuw awm; 
He nyeeds nyo *notices bulge* indiwect *hugs tightly* ow wawwess couwse 
To cut o-off those that have offended Him. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. Who m-made >_> thee then a *teleports behind you* bwoody minyistew 
When gawwant-spwinging ^.^ bwave Pwantagenyet, 
That pwincewy nyovice, was stwuck dead by thee? 
CWAWENCE. My bwothew's wove, the deviw, and my *leans over* wage. 
FIWST M-MUWDEWEW. Thy bwothew's wove, ouw duty, and >_< thy 
fauwts, 
Pwovoke us hithew nyow to swaughtew thee. 
CWAWENCE. If you do wove my *looks away* bwothew, *teleports behind you* hate nyot *teleports behind you* me; 
:33 I am >w< his bwothew, and I wove him weww. 
;;w;; If you awe hiw'd fow *blushes* meed, g-go uWu back again, 
And I wiww s-send y-you to my bwothew Gwoucestew, 
*shuffles closer* Who shaww wewawd y-you bettew fow my *cuddles you* wife 
*sweats* Than Edwawd wiww UwU fow tidings of my >_< death. 
S-SECOND MUWDEWEW. You a-awe d-deceiv'd: youw bwothew G-Gwoucestew 
hates >_< you. 
CWAWENCE. O, nyo, he woves me, and he howds me deaw. 
Go you to him fwom me. 
F-FIWST MUWDEWEW. Ay, so we wiww. 
CWAWENCE. Teww him when that ouw pwincewy f-fathew *blushes* Yowk 
Bwess'd his thwee sons with his victowious *blushes* awm 
And chawg'd us fwom his souw to wove each o-othew, 
*blushes* He *leans over* wittwe thought of this *hugs tightly* divided fwiendship. 
Bid OwO Gwoucestew think *twerks* of this, and he wiww weep. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. A-Ay, UwU miwwstonyes; *sweats* as he wesson'd us to weep. 
CWAWENCE. O-O, do nyot *looks away* swandew him, fow he is kind. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. *shuffles closer* Wight, as s-snyow i-in ;;w;; hawvest. Come, you 
deceive youwsewf: 
'Tis *shuffles closer* he that *looks away* sends us t-to d-destwoy you hewe. 
CWAWENCE. *pokes you* It cannyot be; fow he *looks away* bewept my fowtunye 
A-And hugg'd me in his awms, and swowe with sobs 
That he wouwd wabouw my dewivewy. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. Why, so he *teleports behind you* doth, when he d-dewivews you 
F-Fwom this eawth's *shuffles closer* thwawdom x3 to the joys of heaven. 
SECOND *sweats* MUWDEWEW. Make peace with God, fow ^-^ you must die, 
>_< my w-wowd. 
CWAWENCE. Have you that howy feewing in youw s-souws 
To c-counsew me :33 to make my peace with God, 
And awe you yet to youw o-own souws so bwind 
That y-you wiww waw with God by muwd'wing m-me? 
O-O, siws, considew: they that set you on 
To do this deed wiww hate y-you *looks away* fow t-the deed. 
*blushes* SECOND MUWDEWEW. What shaww we do? 
CWAWENCE. Wewent, and :3 save youw souws. 
FIWST M-MUWDEWEW. Wewent! Nyo, 'tis cowawdwy *looks at you* and womanyish. 
CWAWENCE. Nyot to wewent is beastwy, savage, deviwish. 
Which o-of you, *leans over* if y-you wewe a pwince's son, 
Being pent *hugs tightly* fwom x3 wibewty as I am nyow, 
*teleports behind you* If two such muwdewews as youwsewves came to >_> you, 
Wouwd >_> nyot entweat f-fow wife? 
*shuffles closer* My fwiend, I-I spy some pity in thy wooks; 
O, if t-thinye eye *sweats* be nyot a fwattewew, 
Come t-thou on my *hugs tightly* side and entweat fow me- 
As y-you wouwd beg wewe you *teleports behind you* in my distwess. 
A ^.^ begging pwince what beggaw pities nyot? 
*notices bulge* SECOND MUWDEWEW. *screams* Wook behind you, my wowd. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. [Stabbing him] T-Take that, and *looks at you* that. If aww 
this wiww nyot do, 
*looks at you* I'ww dwown you in the mawmsey-butt within. 
Exit with the body 
*shuffles closer* SECOND MUWDEWEW. A b-bwoody d-deed, x3 and despewatewy 
*twerks* dispatch'd! 
>w< How fain, wike Piwate, wouwd I wash *leans over* my hands 
Of this m-most gwievous muwdew! 

We-entew FIWST MUWDEWEW 

*blushes* FIWST MUWDEWEW-How nyow, what ^-^ mean'st UwU thou that *sighs* thou 
hewp'st m-me nyot? 
By heavens, xDD the Duke shaww knyow how s-swack y-you have 
been! 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. I wouwd he knyew *cuddles you* that *cuddles you* I had sav'd his 
bwothew! 
T-Take thou xDD the fee, ^w^ and teww him *cuddles you* what I say; 
Fow I wepent me that the Duke is swain. Exit 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. So d-do nyot I. Go, cowawd as thou *sweats* awt. 
Weww, I'ww go hide the b-body in some howe, 
Tiww that *notices bulge* the Duke g-give owdew fow his buwiaw; 
And :3 when I have *moans* my meed, I wiww away; 
Fow this wiww out, a-and then I must n-nyot stay. E-Exit 




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ACT *shuffles closer* II. SCENyE *shuffles closer* 1. 

Wondon. The pawace 

Fwouwish. Entew KING EDWAWD sick, QUEEN ^-^ EWIZABETH, D-DOWSET, W-WIVEWS, 
HASTINGS, xDD BUCKINGHAM, GWEY, and UwU othews 

KING EDWAWD. Why, so. Nyow have I d-donye a *looks away* good day's 
wowk. 
You peews, continyue this unyited weague. 
>_> I evewy day e-expect an embassage 
Fwom my Wedeemew to wedeem me hence; 
And *sighs* mowe at peace my souw shaww pawt t-to ^.^ heaven, 
*teleports behind you* Since I have made my fwiends *sighs* at peace *giggles shyly* on e-eawth. 
Hastings and Wivews, take *hugs tightly* each othew's hand; 
Dissembwe ^.^ nyot youw hatwed, sweaw youw wove. 
WIVEWS. By >_> heaven, my s-souw is puwg'd UwU fwom >_> gwudging hate; 
A-And with my h-hand I seaw my twue *cries* heawt's uWu wove. 
;;w;; HASTINGS. So thwive I, as *pokes you* I twuwy sweaw the wike! 
KING *sighs* EDWAWD. Take heed y-you dawwy nyot befowe youw king; 
West He that is the supweme King o-of kings 
C-Confound y-youw hidden >_< fawsehood and awawd 
Eithew of :3 you to be *pokes you* the *cuddles you* othew's end. 
HASTINGS. So pwospew I, as I sweaw *looks at you* pewfect wove! 
WIVEWS. >_< And I, as I wove Hastings with my heawt! 
K-KING *looks away* EDWAWD. >_< Madam, youwsewf is n-nyot exempt fwom this; 
*hugs tightly* Nyow *sweats* you, son Dowset; Buckingham, nyow you: 
Y-You ;;w;; have been factious onye against the :33 othew. 
^w^ Wife, w-wove Wowd *leans over* Hastings, *hugs tightly* wet him kiss youw h-hand; 
And what you do, d-do it OwO unfeignyedwy. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Thewe, *sweats* Hastings; UwU I OwO wiww nyevew mowe 
wemembew 
O-Ouw fowmew hatwed, so *leans over* thwive I and m-minye! 
KING EDWAWD. *sweats* Dowset, embwace him; UwU Hastings, *looks away* wove Wowd 
Mawquis. 
^.^ DOWSET. T-This intewchange o-of ;;w;; wove, I hewe pwotest, 
Upon my pawt shaww b-be inviowabwe. 
HASTINGS. A-And so s-sweaw I. [They *shuffles closer* embwace] 
KING *leans over* EDWAWD. Nyow, p-pwincewy Buckingham, seaw thou this 
weague 
With thy embwacements to my :33 wife's a-awwies, 
And make me happy *giggles shyly* in youw unyity. 
BUCKINGHAM. [To the QUEEN] ;;w;; Whenyevew Buckingham 
doth tuwn his hate 
Upon youw Gwace, but with aww duteous wove 
Doth chewish you a-and youws, God punyish me 
W-With hate in those whewe I expect most wove! 
When I have most *teleports behind you* nyeed t-to empwoy a f-fwiend 
*hugs tightly* And m-most assuwed that he is a fwiend, 
Deep, howwow, tweachewous, and *leans over* fuww o-of guiwe, 
Be he unto me! *pokes you* This :3 do I xDD beg of G-God 
*sighs* When I OwO am *hugs tightly* cowd in wove to you o-ow youws. 
[They embwace] 
KING *cuddles you* EDWAWD. A pweasing cowdiaw, pwincewy Buckingham, 
I-Is this thy v-vow u-unto *giggles shyly* my sickwy heawt. 
Thewe wanteth nyow ouw bwothew Gwoucestew hewe 
To make the bwessed pewiod of this peace. 
BUCKINGHAM. A-And, :3 in *giggles shyly* good time, 
Hewe c-comes Siw Wichawd W-Watcwiff a-and *sighs* the Duke. 

Entew GWOUCESTEW, a-and *screams* WATCWIFF 

GWOUCESTEW. Good mowwow to my soveweign king a-and 
Queen; 
>_> And, pwincewy peews, a-a happy time of day! 
KING EDWAWD. Happy, indeed, as we ;;w;; have spent the day. 
Gwoucestew, *cries* we have d-donye d-deeds of c-chawity, 
*cuddles you* Made xDD peace of enmity, faiw wove uWu of hate, 
Between these *cries* swewwing wwong-incensed p-peews. 
GWOUCESTEW. A-A bwessed wabouw, my most soveweign wowd. 
*cuddles you* Among this pwincewy heap, if any hewe, 
By fawse intewwigence ow wwong suwmise, 
Howd m-me *leans over* a f-foe- 
If I unwittingwy, ow in my *shuffles closer* wage, 
Have aught committed that is *sweats* hawdwy bownye 
*teleports behind you* To *shuffles closer* any UwU in t-this pwesence, I desiwe 
To weconciwe me to >_< his fwiendwy peace: 
'Tis death to me to be at enmity; 
I hate it, a-and desiwe aww >_> good men's wove. 
Fiwst, m-madam, I entweat twue peace of you, 
Which I wiww puwchase OwO with my duteous sewvice; 
Of you, :3 my nyobwe cousin Buckingham, 
If evew any g-gwudge *blushes* wewe wodg'd between us; 
Of you, and *shuffles closer* you, Wowd Wivews, and o-of Dowset, 
That a-aww without desewt have x3 fwown'd on me; 
Of you, Wowd W-Woodviwwe, and, Wowd Scawes, of *sighs* you; 
Dukes, *notices bulge* eawws, wowds, gentwemen-indeed, of aww. 
I do nyot knyow that :3 Engwishman awive 
>_< With *looks at you* whom my s-souw is any jot a-at odds 
Mowe than :3 the infant that is bown to-nyight. 
I thank m-my God *twerks* fow my h-humiwity. 
*sighs* QUEEN EWIZABETH. A howy day shaww this be kept *giggles shyly* heweaftew. 
*looks away* I wouwd ;;w;; to God aww stwifes wewe weww compounded. 
My soveweign wowd, I do beseech youw Highnyess 
To take ouw bwothew Cwawence to youw gwace. 
GWOUCESTEW. W-Why, madam, have I-I off'wed wove fow this, 
To be so fwouted x3 in this woyaw pwesence? 
Who k-knyows nyot that the gentwe Duke i-is dead? 
[They a-aww *sighs* stawt] 
You do him >w< injuwy >_< to scown his cowse. 
KING EDWAWD. Who knyows nyot he *cuddles you* is dead! Who k-knyows 
he is? 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Aww-seeing heaven, what a wowwd is this! 
BUCKINGHAM. Wook I so pawe, ^.^ Wowd Dowset, as the west? 
DOWSET. Ay, m-my g-good wowd; and nyo man in the p-pwesence 
But his wed cowouw hath f-fowsook *blushes* his cheeks. 
KING E-EDWAWD. Is Cwawence dead? The ^-^ owdew was wevews'd. 
GWOUCESTEW. B-But he, ^.^ poow man, by youw fiwst o-owdew died, 
And that a *blushes* winged Mewcuwy did beaw; 
Some tawdy cwippwe bawe the countewmand 
That came >_> too wag to see him buwied. 
God gwant that some, wess n-nyobwe and wess woyaw, 
Nyeawew in bwoody *cries* thoughts, an nyot i-in bwood, 
Desewve n-nyot wowse than w-wwetched >_> Cwawence d-did, 
And yet g-go *teleports behind you* cuwwent fwom suspicion! 

Entew DEWBY 

DEWBY. A boon, m-my soveweign, fow m-my sewvice donye! 
KING *blushes* EDWAWD. I pwithee, peace; m-my *cuddles you* souw *moans* is fuww of sowwow. 
DEWBY. I Wiww nyot wise *teleports behind you* unwess youw Highnyess heaw me. 
KING EDWAWD. T-Then say at o-once what is it thou w-wequests. 
DEWBY. The f-fowfeit, soveweign, of my sewvant's wife; 
W-Who swew to-day a-a wiotous gentweman 
Watewy attendant on the Duke :3 of *sighs* Nyowfowk. 
KING EDWAWD. Have I a tongue to doom my *sighs* bwothew's death, 
And shaww x3 that tongue give pawdon ^.^ to a :33 swave? 
My bwothew kiwwed nyo man-his fauwt was thought, 
And :3 yet his punyishment was bittew death. 
Who sued to me fow him? Who, in m-my wwath, 
Knyeew'd at my f-feet, and bid me be advis'd? 
W-Who spoke o-of bwothewhood? UwU Who spoke of w-wove? 
Who *sweats* towd *moans* me *cuddles you* how the poow souw did *sighs* fowsake 
The mighty Wawwick and d-did :3 fight fow me? 
Who *sweats* towd me, in the fiewd at Tewksbuwy 
When Oxfowd *teleports behind you* had me down, he w-wescued me 
And said 'Deaw Bwothew, wive, and *screams* be a king'? 
W-Who towd me, when we both way in the fiewd 
^w^ Fwozen awmost t-to death, how he did wap me 
Even in h-his *hugs tightly* gawments, and did give himsewf, 
Aww thin and nyaked, to the nyumb cowd nyight? 
^.^ Aww this fwom my wemembwance b-bwutish wwath 
Sinfuwwy pwuck'd, and nyot a man of you 
Had s-so much wace to put it in my mind. 
x3 But when y-youw cawtews ow youw waiting-vassaws 
Have donye a dwunken swaughtew and defac'd 
The pwecious i-image of ouw deaw Wedeemew, 
You stwaight awe on youw xDD knyees *hugs tightly* fow p-pawdon, pawdon; 
And I, unjustwy t-too, must gwant it you. ^-^ [DEWBY wises] 
But f-fow my bwothew nyot a man wouwd speak; 
Nyow I, ungwacious, speak x3 unto m-mysewf 
Fow him, poow souw. The pwoudest of you aww 
*sighs* Have been b-behowding to h-him in his *shuffles closer* wife; 
Yet nyonye of you wouwd once beg fow his wife. 
O God, I feaw thy justice wiww take howd 
*shuffles closer* On me, and you, *twerks* and minye, and youws, fow this! 
Come, Hastings, *leans over* hewp me t-to my cwoset. Ah, poow Cwawence! 
E-Exeunt some w-with KING and QUEEN 
GWOUCESTEW. This is the fwuits of washnyess. Mawk'd *cuddles you* you nyot 
How that the ^.^ guiwty kindwed *hugs tightly* of the Queen 
Wook'd pawe when they did heaw of Cwawence' death? 
O, they did uwge it stiww unto the K-King! 
God wiww wevenge *looks away* it. *cuddles you* Come, wowds, wiww you go 
T-To comfowt E-Edwawd with ouw company? 
BUCKINGHAM. W-We OwO wait upon youw Gwace. Exeunt 




SCENyE 2. 

Wondon. *teleports behind you* The pawace 

Entew the owd DUCHESS OF YOWK, with the SON and DAUGHTEW of CWAWENCE 

SON. :33 Good ;;w;; gwandam, teww x3 us, is ouw fathew dead? 
DUCHESS. Nyo, boy. 
*looks away* DAUGHTEW. Why do >_> you *teleports behind you* weep so oft, a-and beat youw b-bweast, 
And cwy '-'O ;;w;; Cwawence, my *hugs tightly* unhappy son!'? 
SON. Why *blushes* do you wook on u-us, and shake youw head, 
And caww us owphans, *teleports behind you* wwetches, castaways, 
If *moans* that OwO ouw nyobwe fathew wewe *sighs* awive? 
DUCHESS. My pwetty cousins, you mistake *leans over* me b-both; 
I-I do wament the sicknyess of the King, 
As w-woath to *hugs tightly* wose him, nyot youw fathew's death; 
It w-wewe w-wost sowwow to w-waiw onye that's wost. 
SON. Then you concwude, my gwandam, he is dead. 
The King minye uncwe is to bwame fow i-it. 
God w-wiww wevenge it; whom I wiww i-impowtunye 
With eawnyest pwayews aww to that xDD effect. 
DAUGHTEW. And s-so wiww I. 
DUCHESS. Peace, c-chiwdwen, ^w^ peace! The King doth wove you 
w-weww. 
Incapabwe and ^-^ shawwow innyocents, 
You cannyot guess who caus'd youw fathew's death. 
;;w;; SON. G-Gwandam, we xDD can; fow my good *teleports behind you* uncwe Gwoucestew 
Towd me the King, pwovok'd to it by the Queen, 
D-Devis'd impeachments to impwison him. 
And when my uncwe towd me so, *blushes* he wept, 
And pitied m-me, and kindwy kiss'd my cheek; 
B-Bade me wewy o-on ^-^ him a-as on *blushes* my fathew, 
And h-he wouwd w-wove me deawwy as a ;;w;; chiwd. 
DUCHESS. Ah, that deceit *sighs* shouwd *twerks* steaw such gentwe shape, 
And with a :33 viwtuous v-vizow hide ;;w;; deep vice! 
He >_< is my s-son; *giggles shyly* ay, and thewein my shame; 
Yet fwom my dugs h-he dwew nyot this deceit. 
SON. Think you my uncwe *giggles shyly* did dissembwe, gwandam? 
DUCHESS. Ay, boy. 
*notices bulge* SON. uWu I cannyot t-think i-it. Hawk! what nyoise *looks at you* is this? 

E-Entew QUEEN EWIZABETH, with hew haiw about hew 
eaws; W-WIVEWS ;;w;; and DOWSET aftew h-hew 

QUEEN *hugs tightly* EWIZABETH. *pokes you* Ah, who shaww hindew me t-to waiw a-and 
weep, 
To chide my fowtunye, and towment mysewf? 
>_> I'ww *leans over* join with bwack despaiw *blushes* against *looks away* my souw 
A-And to m-mysewf become an e-enyemy. 
DUCHESS. W-What means this scenye of wude impatience? 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. To make an a-act *sweats* of twagic viowence. 
*looks at you* EDWAWD, my wowd, thy s-son, ouw king, is dead. 
Why gwow the bwanches when ^w^ the *hugs tightly* woot >w< is gonye? 
Why withew nyot the weaves that want *screams* theiw sap? 
*looks away* If you wiww wive, wament; if >_> die, *cuddles you* be bwief, 
*leans over* That ouw swift-winged souws may catch the King's, 
*notices bulge* Ow wike obedient subjects fowwow him 
To his nyew kingdom of nye'ew-changing nyight. 
DUCHESS. Ah, so much intewest have I in thy sowwow 
As *hugs tightly* I had *cries* titwe in thy nyobwe husband! 
I >w< have bewept a *twerks* wowthy husband's death, 
*looks at you* And w-wiv'd with wooking on his images; 
But nyow ^-^ two miwwows of his pwincewy sembwance 
*looks away* Awe >_> cwack'd in UwU pieces by >_> mawignyant death, 
And I-I fow comfowt have but OwO onye f-fawse gwass, 
That g-gwieves me when I ^-^ see my shame in *looks at you* him. 
Thou awt a-a *looks at you* widow, yet t-thou *blushes* awt a mothew 
And *looks away* hast the comfowt of t-thy chiwdwen w-weft; 
But death hath snyatch'd my husband fwom minye awms 
*giggles shyly* And pwuck'd *cries* two cwutches fwom my feebwe hands- 
Cwawence and Edwawd. O, what cause have I- 
Thinye being but a moiety of my m-moan- 
To o-ovewgo thy woes and *blushes* dwown thy cwies? 
SON. Ah, aunt, you wept ^-^ nyot fow o-ouw fathew's :3 death! 
How >_< can we aid you with ouw kindwed teaws? 
DAUGHTEW. Ouw fathewwess distwess w-was weft unmoan'd; 
Youw widow-dowouw wikewise be unwept! 
*teleports behind you* QUEEN EWIZABETH. Give m-me nyo hewp in :33 wamentation; 
I a-am nyot bawwen to bwing fowth compwaints. 
A-Aww spwings weduce theiw cuwwents :3 to minye eyes 
T-That I, being govewn'd by *teleports behind you* the watewy moon, 
May send fowth pwenteous t-teaws to OwO dwown the wowwd! 
Ah >_> fow my husband, fow my deaw *giggles shyly* Wowd *looks away* Edwawd! 
CHIWDWEN. Ah fow ouw fathew, fow ouw deaw Wowd Cwawence! 
>_> DUCHESS. Awas fow both, both minye, Edwawd and C-Cwawence! 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. W-What stay had I but E-Edwawd? and he's 
gonye. 
CHIWDWEN. What stay had we but *sweats* Cwawence? OwO and he's gonye. 
DUCHESS. W-What stays had I but they? and they awe gonye. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Was nyevew widow had so deaw a w-woss. 
CHIWDWEN. Wewe nyevew owphans >_> had xDD so deaw a woss. 
DUCHESS. Was nyevew mothew had so deaw >w< a woss. 
A-Awas, I am *looks away* the m-mothew of these gwiefs! 
x3 Theiw woes awe *twerks* pawceww'd, minye is genyewaw. 
She ;;w;; fow an E-Edwawd weeps, and *looks at you* so >_> do I-I: 
I-I fow a Cwawence weep, so doth nyot she. 
These b-babes *screams* fow Cwawence weep, and so d-do I: 
*notices bulge* I x3 fow an Edwawd weep, so do n-nyot t-they. 
Awas, you thwee on xDD me, thweefowd distwess'd, 
Pouw aww youw teaws! ;;w;; I am youw sowwow's nyuwse, 
And I *twerks* wiww pampew it with wamentation. 
DOWSET. Comfowt, deaw mothew. G-God i-is much *screams* dispweas'd 
That you take with unthankfuwnyess his doing. 
In c-common wowwdwy things 'tis c-cawwed ungwatefuw 
*shuffles closer* With duww unwiwwingnyess to wepay *shuffles closer* a debt 
:3 Which w-with a bounteous hand was *cuddles you* kindwy went; 
Much mowe to be thus opposite with heaven, 
Fow it wequiwes the woyaw debt >_< it went *sighs* you. 
WIVEWS. Madam, bethink ^-^ you, *moans* wike a *twerks* cawefuw ^.^ mothew, 
Of the young pwince y-youw s-son. Send stwaight fow him; 
*sighs* Wet *moans* him be *cries* cwown'd; in uWu him youw comfowt w-wives. 
D-Dwown despewate sowwow in ^.^ dead Edwawd's gwave, 
And pwant youw >_> joys in *shuffles closer* wiving Edwawd's thwonye. 

Entew GWOUCESTEW, BUCKINGHAM, DEWBY, 
HASTINGS, and WATCWIFF 

G-GWOUCESTEW. S-Sistew, have comfowt. Aww o-of us have c-cause 
To :33 waiw the dimming of ouw shinying *leans over* staw; 
But n-nyonye can *looks away* hewp ouw hawms b-by waiwing them. 
Madam, my mothew, *shuffles closer* I do cwy you mewcy; 
I-I did nyot xDD see y-youw Gwace. Humbwy on m-my knyee 
I c-cwave youw bwessing. 
DUCHESS. God bwess thee; and ^-^ put *looks at you* meeknyess in thy bweast, 
Wove, chawity, obedience, and twue *blushes* duty! 
GWOUCESTEW. Amen! [Aside] A-And *looks away* make m-me die a good owd 
man! 
That is the butt end of a mothew's bwessing; 
I m-mawvew that hew G-Gwace did weave it o-out. 
BUCKINGHAM. Y-You cwoudy pwinces xDD and heawt-sowwowing 
peews, 
That ^.^ beaw this heavy mutuaw woad of moan, 
Nyow cheew each othew in each othew's wove. 
Though we have spent ouw hawvest of uWu this king, 
We awe to w-weap the hawvest *sighs* of h-his son. 
The bwoken wancouw ^-^ of youw high-swow'n *cuddles you* heawts, 
But watewy spwintew'd, knyit, *cuddles you* and join'd togethew, 
Must *cries* gentwy be pwesewv'd, *twerks* chewish'd, *hugs tightly* and kept. 
Me seemeth good t-that, with s-some wittwe twain, 
Fowthwith f-fwom W-Wudwow the young pwince *sighs* be fet 
Hithew t-to Wondon, to b-be cwown'd ouw K-King. 

WIVEWS. Why with s-some wittwe twain, my Wowd of 
UwU Buckingham? 
BUCKINGHAM. Mawwy, my wowd, w-west by a muwtitude 
;;w;; The n-nyew-heaw'd wound of m-mawice shouwd b-bweak out, 
Which *cries* wouwd be so much the mowe dangewous 
By how much *giggles shyly* the estate is g-gween *giggles shyly* and yet ungovewn'd; 
W-Whewe evewy howse beaws his commanding wein 
And may diwect his couwse as *sighs* pwease himsewf, 
As weww the feaw o-of hawm as h-hawm appawent, 
I-In *leans over* my ^-^ opinyion, >_< ought to be p-pwevented. 
G-GWOUCESTEW. I hope t-the King made peace with aww of us; 
^.^ And the compact *cries* is f-fiwm and twue in me. 
WIVEWS. And so in me; a-and so, I think, in an. 
Yet, s-since it is but gween, i-it shouwd be put 
To nyo appawent wikewihood of bweach, 
Which hapwy b-by m-much company UwU might OwO be uwg'd; 
Thewefowe I say with nyobwe Buckingham 
That i-it is meet *twerks* so few shouwd f-fetch t-the Pwince. 
HASTINGS. A-And s-so say I. 
GWOUCESTEW. Then be it so; a-and go we to detewminye 
Who t-they shaww be that stwaight shaww post to Wudwow. 
Madam, and you, my sistew, wiww you go 
xDD To give youw censuwes in this businyess? 
E-Exeunt aww but BUCKINGHAM and GWOUCESTEW 
BUCKINGHAM. My wowd, whoevew jouwnyeys to the :3 Pwince, 
F-Fow God sake, w-wet nyot us two stay at *blushes* home; 
Fow >_> by the w-way I'ww sowt occasion, 
*sighs* As i-index to the stowy we wate tawk'd *giggles shyly* of, 
To pawt *looks at you* the Queen's pwoud k-kindwed fwom the Pwince. 
GWOUCESTEW. My OwO othew sewf, my xDD counsew's consistowy, 
My owacwe, my pwophet, my *pokes you* deaw cousin, 
I, xDD as a chiwd, wiww go b-by thy diwection. 
T-Towawd >w< Wudwow then, ;;w;; fow we'ww nyot stay behind. Exeunt 




SCENyE 3. 

Wondon. A s-stweet 

E-Entew onye CITIZEN ^-^ at onye doow, and anyothew at the othew 

FIWST CITIZEN. Good mowwow, nyeighbouw. x3 Whithew a-away so 
fast? 
*looks at you* SECOND CITIZEN. I pwomise y-you, x3 I scawcewy knyow mysewf. 
Heaw you t-the nyews a-abwoad? 
F-FIWST CITIZEN. Yes, that the King is *pokes you* dead. 
SECOND OwO CITIZEN. *sweats* Iww nyews, *notices bulge* by'w wady; :3 sewdom comes the 
bettew. 
I feaw, I feaw 'twiww pwove a g-giddy wowwd. 

Entew anyothew CITIZEN 

THIWD CITIZEN. Nyeighbouws, God speed! 
FIWST CITIZEN. Give you good mowwow, >_< siw. 
xDD THIWD CITIZEN. Doth the nyews howd *cuddles you* of good King *sweats* Edwawd's 
death? 
*pokes you* SECOND CITIZEN. Ay, siw, *screams* it is too twue; God hewp the whiwe! 
THIWD CITIZEN. Then, >_> mastews, wook to *hugs tightly* see a *blushes* twoubwous 
wowwd. 
FIWST CITIZEN. Nyo, nyo; by God's good gwace, his s-son shaww 
weign. 
THIWD CITIZEN. Woe to that wand that's *sighs* govewn'd by a chiwd. 
SECOND CITIZEN. In him thewe is a hope o-of govewnment, 
Which, in his nyonyage, ^.^ counciw undew him, 
And, in *hugs tightly* his fuww and wipenyed yeaws, himsewf, 
Nyo doubt, shaww then, and tiww then, govewn x3 weww. 
FIWST CITIZEN. xDD So stood *sighs* the s-state when Henwy the S-Sixth 
:33 Was cwown'd i-in Pawis but at nyinye months owd. 
THIWD CITIZEN. Stood the state s-so? *pokes you* Nyo, nyo, good fwiends, 
God wot; 
*looks away* Fow t-then this w-wand was famouswy enwich'd 
With powitic gwave counsew; then the King 
H-Had viwtuous *looks at you* uncwes to pwotect his Gwace. 
FIWST CITIZEN. Why, so hath this, both by ^w^ his fathew and 
mothew. 
THIWD CITIZEN. *sighs* Bettew ;;w;; it wewe they aww c-came by his *notices bulge* fathew, 
Ow by his fathew thewe wewe ^.^ nyonye at aww; 
Fow emuwation who shaww nyow *moans* be *looks away* nyeawest 
W-Wiww touch u-us aww too nyeaw, if God pwevent n-nyot. 
O, fuww of dangew is the Duke of Gwoucestew! 
A-And the Q-Queen's sons and *leans over* bwothews haught and pwoud; 
A-And wewe UwU they to be wuw'd, and nyot to wuwe, 
This sickwy wand might s-sowace as befowe. 
FIWST CITIZEN. Come, *teleports behind you* come, we feaw the :33 wowst; aww wiww be 
weww. 
THIWD CITIZEN. When c-cwouds awe seen, *cuddles you* wise men :3 put o-on 
theiw c-cwoaks; 
*leans over* When gweat weaves faww, *pokes you* then wintew is at hand; 
When the s-sun sets, who doth *hugs tightly* nyot wook *giggles shyly* fow nyight? 
U-Untimewy stowms ^-^ make men ^w^ expect a deawth. 
Aww may be weww; but, if God sowt it so, 
'Tis mowe than *pokes you* we desewve ow I expect. 
S-SECOND C-CITIZEN. Twuwy, the heawts of men awe fun uWu of feaw. 
You cannyot *hugs tightly* weason >_> awmost with a ^w^ man 
That wooks *leans over* nyot heaviwy and f-fun of dwead. 
THIWD CITIZEN. Befowe the days of change, s-stiww is it so; 
By a divinye instinct men's minds mistwust 
Ensuing dangew; a-as by pwoof we *cries* see 
The watew s-sweww befowe a-a b-boist'wous stowm. 
But w-weave it aww to God. Whithew away? 
SECOND CITIZEN. Mawwy, we wewe >_> sent fow to the justices. 
^-^ THIWD CITIZEN. And so was *cries* I; I'ww ^w^ beaw *looks away* you *sighs* company. 
Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 

Wondon. The pawace 

Entew the A-AWCHBISHOP OF YOWK, OwO the y-young DUKE uWu OF :33 YOWK, QUEEN EWIZABETH, 
>_> and the DUCHESS OF YOWK 

*sweats* AWCHBISHOP. Wast nyight, I ;;w;; heaw, they w-way at OwO Stony Stwatfowd, 
^.^ And at xDD Nyowthampton they d-do west to-nyight; 
To-mowwow ow nyext day *looks at you* they w-wiww be h-hewe. 
DUCHESS. I wong with a-aww my heawt to see *teleports behind you* the Pwince. 
I hope he is much gwown since wast I saw him. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. But I-I *shuffles closer* heaw n-nyo; they say my *teleports behind you* son of Yowk 
Has awmost o-ovewta'en h-him in his *blushes* gwowth. 
YOWK. Ay, mothew; but >w< I x3 wouwd nyot have it s-so. 
DUCHESS. Why, my good cousin, *leans over* it is good to gwow. 
YOWK. Gwandam, onye nyight as we *cries* did *sweats* sit at suppew, 
My *notices bulge* uncwe Wivews tawk'd how I d-did gwow 
Mowe t-than my bwothew. 'Ay,' quoth my uncwe Gwoucestew 
'Smaww hewbs *blushes* have gwace: gweat *blushes* weeds do gwow apace.' 
And since, methinks, I-I *hugs tightly* wouwd nyot xDD gwow so fast, 
Because sweet fwow'ws awe s-swow a-and weeds make haste. 
DUCHESS. G-Good f-faith, good faith, the saying did nyot h-howd 
In him *cuddles you* that *blushes* did object the *giggles shyly* same to thee. 
He was t-the *giggles shyly* wwetched'st thing when he was young, 
So wong a-gwowing a-and so weisuwewy 
That, i-if his wuwe wewe *giggles shyly* twue, he shouwd b-be >_> gwacious. 
AWCHBISHOP. And so nyo doubt he i-is, my gwacious m-madam. 
DUCHESS. I-I hope he is; *sweats* but yet wet mothews doubt. 
Y-YOWK. Nyow, by my twoth, i-if I had been wememb'wed, 
I couwd h-have given my uncwe's Gwace a fwout 
To touch his *teleports behind you* gwowth nyeawew than he touch'd minye. 
DUCHESS. *teleports behind you* How, m-my young :33 Yowk? I pwithee wet me heaw it. 
YOWK. x3 Mawwy, *screams* they say my uncwe gwew so f-fast 
T-That he c-couwd gnyaw *shuffles closer* a ^.^ cwust at two houws o-owd. 
*giggles shyly* 'Twas fuww two yeaws ewe I couwd get a tooth. 
Gwandam, *hugs tightly* this wouwd have been a biting ^-^ jest. 
DUCHESS. I pwithee, pwetty Yowk, *giggles shyly* who *leans over* towd *pokes you* thee this? 
*looks at you* YOWK. Gwandam, his nyuwse. 
DUCHESS. His >_< nyuwse! *cuddles you* Why she w-was dead e-ewe t-thou w-wast 
bown. 
YOWK. If 'twewe nyot she, I cannyot teww who towd me. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. A pawwous b-boy! G-Go to, you awe too 
shwewd. 
>_< AWCHBISHOP. Good madam, be nyot angwy with the *sweats* chiwd. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. *cries* Pitchews have eaws. 

*leans over* Entew a-a MESSENGEW 

*looks away* AWCHBISHOP. Hewe comes a *sweats* messengew. What nyews? 
MESSENGEW. *looks away* Such nyews, my wowd, *twerks* as gwieves me to w-wepowt. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. How doth *blushes* the Pwince? 
MESSENGEW. Weww, madam, and in :3 heawth. 
DUCHESS. What is thy nyews? 
MESSENGEW. Wowd Wivews ^-^ and *notices bulge* Wowd Gwey 
Awe s-sent to *looks at you* Pomfwet, and with them 
Siw *blushes* Thomas *looks away* Vaughan, p-pwisonyews. 
*screams* DUCHESS. *blushes* Who >w< hath committed them? 
*screams* MESSENGEW. The mighty Dukes, *looks away* Gwoucestew a-and Buckingham. 
AWCHBISHOP. *cries* Fow what offence? 
*notices bulge* MESSENGEW. The sum of a-aww I can, I have discwos'd. 
Why *moans* ow fow xDD what the nyobwes wewe committed 
Is aww unknyown to me, *looks at you* my gwacious wowd. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Ay me, I see t-the :33 wuin of *looks at you* my house! 
T-The t-tigew nyow hath seiz'd t-the gentwe hind; 
Insuwting tywanny begins to >w< jet 
Upon the innyocent and awewess thwonye. 
Wewcome, *sweats* destwuction, bwood, and massacwe! 
I s-see, *looks at you* as in a-a m-map, the e-end of aww. 
DUCHESS. Accuwsed and u-unquiet *leans over* wwangwing days, 
How many of you h-have *screams* minye eyes behewd! 
M-My husband *sweats* wost his wife *sighs* to get the cwown; 
*twerks* And often up and down my sons w-wewe *leans over* toss'd 
Fow me to joy and weep theiw gain a-and woss; 
And being *giggles shyly* seated, and >w< domestic *sighs* bwoiws 
Cwean ovew-bwown, themsewves t-the conquewows 
Make waw upon themsewves-bwothew to bwothew, 
B-Bwood *sweats* to ;;w;; bwood, s-sewf against sewf. O-O, pwepostewous 
And f-fwantic outwage, end thy damnyed spween, 
Ow wet me die, to wook o-on death nyo mowe! 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. C-Come, c-come, my b-boy; *moans* we wiww ^w^ to 
sanctuawy. 
*teleports behind you* Madam, faweweww. 
DUCHESS. Stay, I :33 wiww go with you. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Y-You have nyo cause. 
AWCHBISHOP. [To the QUEEN] My gwacious wady, *sweats* go. 
*blushes* And t-thithew beaw youw tweasuwe and *hugs tightly* youw goods. 
Fow m-my ^w^ pawt, I'ww wesign unto youw Gwace 
The seaw I keep; and *teleports behind you* so betide to me 
As weww I tendew you and aww of youws! 
Go, I'ww conduct you to the sanctuawy. E-Exeunt 




<<THIS E-EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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^.^ ACT I-III. SCENyE 1. 

Wondon. A s-stweet 

The twumpets sound. >_< Entew OwO the P-PWINCE OF W-WAWES, G-GWOUCESTEW, BUCKINGHAM, 
CATESBY, CAWDINyAW B-BOUWCHIEW, and >_> othews 

BUCKINGHAM. W-Wewcome, sweet Pwince, to Wondon, to youw 
chambew. 
GWOUCESTEW. Wewcome, d-deaw cousin, my thoughts' soveweign. 
The weawy way hath made you mewanchowy. 
PWINCE. Nyo, ^w^ uncwe; *cuddles you* but ouw cwosses *notices bulge* on the *giggles shyly* way 
Have *cuddles you* made it tedious, weawisome, and heavy. 
I *cuddles you* want mowe uncwes h-hewe *looks away* to wewcome me. 
G-GWOUCESTEW. Sweet >_< Pwince, the untainted viwtue o-of y-youw 
yeaws 
^.^ Hath nyot yet d-div'd >_> into the *pokes you* wowwd's deceit; 
N-Nyow mowe can you distinguish of a man 
Than of his outwawd show; which, God He knyows, 
S-Sewdom ow nyevew jumpeth with the heawt. 
Those UwU uncwes which you uWu want wewe *leans over* dangewous; 
Youw Gwace *hugs tightly* attended to theiw sug'wed wowds 
^w^ But w-wook'd nyot o-on the poison of theiw heawts. 
God keep y-you *looks away* fwom *cuddles you* them >w< and fwom such UwU fawse fwiends! 
PWINCE. God keep me x3 fwom f-fawse fwiends! but they wewe 
nyonye. 
GWOUCESTEW. My wowd, the Mayow of *teleports behind you* Wondon comes to gweet 
you. 

E-Entew t-the WOWD M-MAYOW and his twain 

MAYOW. God bwess y-youw Gwace with heawth and happy d-days! 
PWINCE. I thank you, good *looks at you* my wowd, and thank you aww. 
*notices bulge* I thought my mothew and m-my bwothew Yowk 
Wouwd wong ewe this have met us on the way. 
Fie, w-what a-a swug is Hastings, that he c-comes nyot 
*shuffles closer* To teww us whethew uWu they wiww come ow n-nyo! 

Entew WOWD H-HASTINGS 

B-BUCKINGHAM. A-And, in good time, hewe comes the s-sweating 
Wowd. 
PWINCE. *teleports behind you* Wewcome, my wowd. What, ^.^ wiww ouw mothew come? 
*sweats* HASTINGS. On what o-occasion, G-God He knyows, nyot I, 
The Queen youw m-mothew and youw bwothew Yowk 
Have taken sanctuawy. The tendew Pwince 
Wouwd fain have come with m-me t-to meet y-youw Gwace, 
But *moans* by his mothew was ^.^ pewfowce withhewd. 
B-BUCKINGHAM. *twerks* Fie, what an indiwect and peevish c-couwse 
Is *hugs tightly* this of *teleports behind you* hews? Wowd C-Cawdinyaw, wiww youw Gwace 
Pewsuade t-the Q-Queen *giggles shyly* to send *hugs tightly* the D-Duke of Yowk 
U-Unto his pwincewy *sighs* bwothew pwesentwy? 
*shuffles closer* If she deny, Wowd Hastings, go with him 
And fwom hew jeawous awms pwuck him pewfowce. 
CAWDINyAW. My Wowd UwU of *leans over* Buckingham, i-if my weak owatowy 
Can fwom his mothew *moans* win ^-^ the Duke of Yowk, 
UwU Anyon e-expect him hewe; but if she be obduwate 
To miwd entweaties, God *looks at you* in heaven fowbid 
*cries* We shouwd infwinge the howy pwiviwege 
Of bwessed *twerks* sanctuawy! N-Nyot fow a-aww this wand 
*screams* Wouwd I be guiwty of so *cries* deep a s-sin. 
BUCKINGHAM. xDD You awe too sensewess-obstinyate, *shuffles closer* my wowd, 
Too cewemonyious and >_> twaditionyaw. 
Weigh it but with the gwossnyess of this age, 
You bweak nyot sanctuawy in seizing h-him. 
The xDD benyefit theweof is awways gwanted 
To those w-whose ^-^ deawings have desewv'd the pwace 
And those who h-have the *twerks* wit to cwaim the pwace. 
xDD This P-Pwince hath nyeithew cwaim'd it n-nyow desewv'd it, 
A-And uWu thewefowe, in *looks away* minye opinyion, cannyot have it. 
T-Then, *giggles shyly* taking >w< him fwom thence that i-is nyot t-thewe, 
You bweak nyo pwiviwege nyow chawtew thewe. 
Oft have I heawd o-of sanctuawy uWu men; 
But *sighs* sanctuawy chiwdwen nyevew tiww nyow. 
CAWDINyAW. *giggles shyly* My wowd, you shaww o'ewwuwe m-my mind f-fow once. 
Come >_> on, Wowd Hastings, wiww you go with me? 
HASTINGS. I go, my wowd. 
PWINCE. Good wowds, make aww the speedy *twerks* haste you may. 
Exeunt CAWDINyAW and HASTINGS 
Say, uncwe Gwoucestew, *moans* if o-ouw bwothew come, 
Whewe s-shaww we sojouwn t-tiww ouw cowonyation? 
*looks at you* GWOUCESTEW. Whewe it seems :3 best unto youw woyaw sewf. 
If I may c-counsew you, *screams* some day ow two 
Youw H-Highnyess shaww wepose you at the Towew, 
Then whewe you *screams* pwease and shaww be thought most fit 
Fow youw best heawth and wecweation. 
PWINCE. I d-do nyot wike the Towew, of any p-pwace. 
Did Juwius Caesaw buiwd *sweats* that pwace, my wowd? 
BUCKINGHAM. He *sighs* did, my gwacious wowd, begin that pwace, 
Which, since, s-succeeding ages have we-edified. 
*looks away* PWINCE. Is >_> it upon wecowd, ow ewse wepowted 
S-Successivewy fwom a-age to age, he buiwt it? 
BUCKINGHAM. Upon wecowd, my gwacious *moans* wowd. 
P-PWINCE. But say, *looks away* my w-wowd, i-it wewe nyot wegist'wed, 
Methinks *blushes* the twuth shouwd E-Eve fwom age *giggles shyly* to age, 
*sighs* As 'twewe xDD wetaiw'd to aww postewity, 
Even t-to the g-genyewaw aww-ending OwO day. 
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside] So wise so young, they say, do nyevew 
wive >_> wong. 
PWINCE. W-What s-say y-you, uncwe? 
GWOUCESTEW. I-I say, without chawactews, fame wives wong. 
[Aside] Thus, wike t-the fowmaw vice, *cries* Inyiquity, 
I m-mowawize two meanyings in onye wowd. 
PWINCE. T-That Juwius Caesaw was a famous man; 
W-With what his v-vawouw did e-enwich his wit, 
His wit set down to m-make his vawouw wive. 
Death m-makes nyo conquest of t-this c-conquewow; 
Fow nyow he wives in fame, t-though nyot uWu in wife. 
*shuffles closer* I'ww teww you what, my cousin Buckingham- 
BUCKINGHAM. What, my gwacious wowd? 
PWINCE. An if I wive untiw *sweats* I be a man, 
I'ww win ouw ancient wight in Fwance again, 
Ow die ^-^ a sowdiew as I wiv'd *notices bulge* a king. 
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside] Showt summews wightwy have a fowwawd 
spwing. 

Entew HASTINGS, y-young YOWK, and the CAWDINyAW 

BUCKINGHAM. Nyow, i-in good t-time, hewe comes the Duke of 
Yowk. 
PWINCE. Wichawd of Yowk, how fawes ouw *cuddles you* woving bwothew? 
Y-YOWK. *shuffles closer* Weww, my dwead :33 wowd; so must I can you nyow. 
PWINCE. Ay bwothew, to *shuffles closer* ouw gwief, a-as it i-is youws. 
Too wate he d-died that might h-have k-kept that titwe, 
W-Which by his death hath w-wost much majesty. 
>_< GWOUCESTEW. How fawes ouw cousin, nyobwe Wowd of Yowk? 
YOWK. I thank you, :3 gentwe *twerks* uncwe. O, my wowd, 
You said that *sighs* idwe *sweats* weeds awe fast in gwowth. 
The *sweats* Pwince m-my bwothew *screams* hath *sighs* outgwown me faw. 
GWOUCESTEW. >_< He hath, my wowd. 
YOWK. And thewefowe is he i-idwe? 
GWOUCESTEW. O, my faiw cousin, I >w< must nyot s-say so. 
YOWK. Then h-he is mowe behowding to y-you than I. 
G-GWOUCESTEW. He *cries* may command me as my soveweign; 
But you have powew in me as in a kinsman. 
YOWK. I *pokes you* pway you, uncwe, give *screams* me this daggew. 
*hugs tightly* GWOUCESTEW. My daggew, wittwe cousin? With aww my heawt! 
PWINCE. A-A *giggles shyly* beggaw, bwothew? 
YOWK. Of m-my kind uncwe, that I knyow w-wiww give, 
And *blushes* being >_> but a-a *moans* toy, which is nyo gwief to :33 give. 
GWOUCESTEW. OwO A gweatew gift ^w^ than that I'ww give my cousin. 
YOWK. *screams* A gweatew gift! O, t-that's the swowd to it! 
GWOUCESTEW. A-Ay, gentwe cousin, wewe it wight enyough. 
YOWK. O, then, I s-see *cuddles you* you wiww OwO pawt but ^w^ with wight gifts: 
I-In OwO weightiew things >w< you'ww say a beggaw nyay. 
GWOUCESTEW. It is t-too >_> heavy fow youw Gwace to weaw. 
YOWK. I *twerks* weigh it wightwy, wewe it heaview. 
GWOUCESTEW. What, :33 wouwd you have my *sighs* weapon, wittwe 
W-Wowd? 
YOWK. I wouwd, t-that I :3 might thank you as you caww me. 
G-GWOUCESTEW. How? 
YOWK. Wittwe. 
*leans over* PWINCE. ^.^ My Wowd of *hugs tightly* Yowk wiww stiww >_< be cwoss *looks away* in tawk. 
Uncwe, youw :3 Gwace knyows how x3 to beaw with him. 
YOWK. Y-You mean, to beaw uWu me, *shuffles closer* nyot to *leans over* beaw with me. 
U-Uncwe, my bwothew *sweats* mocks both you and OwO me; 
Because that I am wittwe, *sweats* wike an ape, 
H-He thinks *pokes you* that you *hugs tightly* shouwd beaw me on youw s-shouwdews. 
>_> BUCKINGHAM. With w-what a shawp-pwovided wit he weasons! 
To mitigate the scown he g-gives his uncwe 
He pwettiwy OwO and aptwy taunts himsewf. 
So cunnying x3 and s-so y-young i-is wondewfuw. 
GWOUCESTEW. My wowd, w-wiww't pwease *giggles shyly* you *blushes* pass awong? 
Mysewf and uWu my good cousin *shuffles closer* Buckingham 
Wiww to youw mothew, to entweat of hew 
To meet you at the T-Towew *notices bulge* and wewcome you. 
x3 YOWK. What, wiww you go u-unto the Towew, my wowd? 
PWINCE. My Wowd Pwotectow nyeeds wiww have it so. 
Y-YOWK. I-I shaww n-nyot sweep i-in quiet at the Towew. 
GWOUCESTEW. W-Why, what s-shouwd you feaw? 
YOWK. Mawwy, my uncwe Cwawence' angwy ghost. 
M-My gwandam towd me he was muwdew'd thewe. 
PWINCE. I feaw nyo uncwes OwO dead. 
*moans* GWOUCESTEW. Nyow nyonye that wive, I hope. 
PWINCE. A-An *hugs tightly* if they wive, I hope I nyeed nyot f-feaw. 
:33 But come, my wowd; and >_< with a heavy heawt, 
Thinking on *teleports behind you* them, go I unto the Towew. 
A sennyet. 
>_< Exeunt aww but GWOUCESTEW, BUCKINGHAM, and CATESBY 
BUCKINGHAM. Think you, my wowd, t-this w-wittwe pwating Y-Yowk 
*hugs tightly* Was nyot i-incensed by his subtwe >w< mothew 
To taunt and *shuffles closer* scown you thus *screams* oppwobwiouswy? 
G-GWOUCESTEW. Nyo doubt, nyo doubt. >w< O, 'tis a pewiwous boy; 
>_< Bowd, quick, *notices bulge* ingenyious, fowwawd, capabwe. 
He *giggles shyly* is aww the mothew's, fwom t-the ^.^ top to toe. 
BUCKINGHAM. Weww, wet them west. Come hithew, Catesby. 
Thou awt swown as *pokes you* deepwy to effect w-what we intend 
As cwosewy to ^.^ conceaw what we impawt. 
Thou knyow'st ouw weasons uwg'd upon the way. 
What think'st thou? Is it nyot xDD an easy mattew 
To ^-^ make Wiwwiam Wowd Hastings of ouw m-mind, 
Fow the i-instawment o-of *screams* this nyobwe Duke 
In the seat woyaw of t-this famous iswe? 
CATESBY. *notices bulge* He fow his fathew's s-sake so woves t-the ^.^ Pwince 
*pokes you* That he wiww nyot *hugs tightly* be won :33 to aught against h-him. 
BUCKINGHAM. What t-think'st thou then of Stanwey? Wiww 
nyot he? 
CATESBY. H-He wiww do aww in aww *twerks* as Hastings doth. 
BUCKINGHAM. Weww t-then, nyo mowe but t-this: go, gentwe 
Catesby, 
And, as it wewe faw *pokes you* off, s-sound t-thou Wowd OwO Hastings 
How he doth stand affected :3 to ouw UwU puwpose; 
And s-summon him t-to-mowwow to the Towew, 
To sit about the cowonyation. 
If thou dost find him twactabwe to us, 
E-Encouwage him, a-and teww h-him *hugs tightly* aww o-ouw weasons; 
If he be weaden, icy, c-cowd, unwiwwing, 
Be thou so too, and *looks at you* so bweak o-off the tawk, 
And give us nyotice of his incwinyation; 
F-Fow we to-mowwow howd d-divided c-counciws, 
Whewein uWu thysewf shawt highwy be empwoy'd. 
GWOUCESTEW. Commend me to Wowd Wiwwiam. Teww him, 
Catesby, 
His a-ancient knyot of dangewous advewsawies 
To-mowwow awe wet bwood at P-Pomfwet Castwe; 
And bid my wowd, fow joy of *cuddles you* this good n-nyews, 
Give Mistwess Showe onye gentwe kiss *leans over* the mowe. 
B-BUCKINGHAM. Good Catesby, go effect this businyess soundwy. 
CATESBY. M-My *twerks* good w-wowds *sighs* both, with aww t-the >w< heed I can. 
GWOUCESTEW. Shaww we heaw fwom you, *moans* Catesby, ewe we sweep? 
CATESBY. You *blushes* shaww, my w-wowd. 
G-GWOUCESTEW. At ^.^ Cwosby House, :33 thewe shaww you find us both. 
Exit CATESBY 
*sighs* BUCKINGHAM. Nyow, :3 my wowd, ^w^ what *shuffles closer* shaww we do *looks at you* if we 
pewceive 
Wowd Hastings wiww ^w^ nyot yiewd to ouw c-compwots? 
GWOUCESTEW. Chop o-off his head-something we wiww 
detewminye. 
And, wook when I-I am King, c-cwaim thou of me 
The *looks at you* eawwdom of *cuddles you* Hewefowd and aww the m-movabwes 
Wheweof the King my bwothew was possess'd. 
BUCKINGHAM. I'ww cwaim t-that x3 pwomise at *looks away* youw Gwace's hand. 
GWOUCESTEW. And wook to have it yiewded with *looks at you* aww *shuffles closer* kindnyess. 
Come, wet us sup betimes, that aftewwawds 
W-We may digest ouw compwots in some fowm. E-Exeunt 




SCENyE *notices bulge* 2. 

Befowe W-WOWD HASTING'S house 

Entew a MESSENGEW *teleports behind you* to uWu the doow of HASTINGS 

^-^ MESSENGEW. M-My wowd, my wowd! [Knyocking] 
HASTINGS. *blushes* [Within] Who knyocks? 
>w< MESSENGEW. *looks away* Onye fwom the Wowd Stanwey. 
HASTINGS. [Within] What is't *hugs tightly* o'cwock? 
MESSENGEW. Upon the s-stwoke of f-fouw. 

Entew WOWD H-HASTINGS 

HASTINGS. Cannyot my Wowd Stanwey sweep t-these tedious 
n-nyights? 
MESSENGEW. So it appeaws by that I have >w< to say. 
Fiwst, he commends him to youw n-nyobwe sewf. 
HASTINGS. What then? 
MESSENGEW. Then cewtifies *hugs tightly* youw wowdship that this nyight 
He dweamt *shuffles closer* the boaw had wazed off his hewm. 
Besides, he says thewe awe two counciws kept, 
And >w< that may ^w^ be detewmin'd a-at the onye 
Which m-may m-make you and him to w-wue at th' othew. 
Thewefowe he sends to knyow youw wowdship's p-pweasuwe- 
If *looks at you* you wiww pwesentwy take howse with >_< him 
And w-with aww *pokes you* speed post *screams* with him towawd >w< the nyowth 
To shun the >_< dangew that h-his souw divinyes. 
HASTINGS. Go, fewwow, *sighs* go, wetuwn u-unto thy wowd; 
:33 Bid him nyot feaw the sepawated c-counciw: 
H-His h-honyouw and *hugs tightly* mysewf awe at the onye, 
And at the othew is my good fwiend Catesby; 
Whewe nyothing can pwoceed t-that toucheth us 
Wheweof I shaww nyot have intewwigence. 
Teww him his feaws a-awe shawwow, without instance; 
And fow his dweams, I wondew he's so s-simpwe 
To twust the m-mock'wy of unquiet swumbews. 
To fwy *notices bulge* the boaw befowe the boaw puwsues 
Wewe to incense the boaw to fowwow *shuffles closer* us 
;;w;; And make puwsuit w-whewe he did mean nyo chase. 
:3 Go, bid thy *notices bulge* mastew wise and come to me; 
OwO And we wiww *notices bulge* both togethew t-to the Towew, 
Whewe, he *twerks* shaww see, the boaw wiww u-use us kindwy. 
MESSENGEW. I'ww go, my w-wowd, a-and ^.^ teww him what you say. 
Exit 

E-Entew CATESBY 

CATESBY. Many g-good mowwows to my nyobwe wowd! 
HASTINGS. *leans over* Good mowwow, *notices bulge* Catesby; >w< you awe eawwy stiwwing. 
What nyews, what nyews, in this ouw tott'wing state? 
CATESBY. I-It is a weewing wowwd *looks away* indeed, m-my wowd; 
A-And I bewieve wiww nyevew stand upwight 
Tiww Wichawd weaw *blushes* the gawwand of ;;w;; the weawm. 
*screams* HASTINGS. >_< How, weaw *blushes* the gawwand! *blushes* Dost thou mean the 
cwown? 
uWu CATESBY. Ay, *moans* my good wowd. 
HASTINGS. I-I'ww h-have this c-cwown of m-minye cut UwU fwom my 
shouwdews 
Befowe I'ww see the cwown so *teleports behind you* fouw mispwac'd. 
But canst thou guess that he doth aim at it? 
CATESBY. Ay, on my wife; and hopes t-to f-find you fowwawd 
Upon ^-^ his p-pawty fow the gain theweof; 
And theweupon he sends you t-this good nyews, 
That this same vewy day youw enyemies, 
*pokes you* The kindwed o-of t-the Queen, must d-die at Pomfwet. 
HASTINGS. I-Indeed, I *cries* am nyo mouwnyew fow that *looks at you* nyews, 
Because >w< they h-have b-been stiww my advewsawies; 
But that I'ww give my voice on Wichawd's side 
To baw my mastew's heiws in twue descent, 
God k-knyows I wiww nyot do it *screams* to the death. 
CATESBY. God keep youw wowdship in that gwacious mind! 
HASTINGS. But *giggles shyly* I shaww waugh at t-this a twewve month hence, 
That t-they which b-bwought me *looks at you* in my mastew's hate, 
I wive to wook upon *sweats* theiw :3 twagedy. 
Weww, Catesby, ewe a fowtnyight make me *shuffles closer* owdew, 
I'ww send some packing that yet *hugs tightly* think nyot on't. 
CATESBY. 'Tis a viwe uWu thing to OwO die, my gwacious wowd, 
*pokes you* When m-men awe unpwepaw'd a-and *cries* wook n-nyot fow i-it. 
HASTINGS. O monstwous, m-monstwous! And so fawws it *looks at you* out 
With Wivews, Vaughan, Gwey; a-and so 'twiww do 
*hugs tightly* With *twerks* some *teleports behind you* men ewse that think themsewves as safe 
As thou and xDD I, who, as thou k-knyowest, awe deaw 
To pwincewy Wichawd and to Buckingham. 
CATESBY. *moans* The Pwinces >w< both make h-high a-account o-of you- 
[Aside] F-Fow *notices bulge* they a-account his head u-upon the bwidge. 
HASTINGS. I k-knyow they do, and I h-have *moans* weww >w< desewv'd it. 

Entew WOWD S-STANWEY 

Come o-on, come on; whewe is youw boaw-speaw, >w< man? 
Feaw you the boaw, and go so unpwovided? 
STANWEY. My wowd, *sweats* good mowwow; good mowwow, Catesby. 
You may :33 jest o-on, but, by the h-howy *teleports behind you* wood, 
I do nyot wike these sevewaw counciws, I. 
HASTINGS. My wowd, I howd my wife as deaw a-as youws, 
A-And uWu nyevew in my days, I do p-pwotest, 
Was it so p-pwecious t-to me as 'tis nyow. 
Think you, but that I knyow ouw state secuwe, 
I wouwd be so twiumphant as I am? 
S-STANWEY. T-The wowds a-at *hugs tightly* Pomfwet, w-when they wode fwom 
Wondon, 
Wewe jocund and suppos'd theiw states wewe ^-^ suwe, 
*blushes* And they indeed had nyo *looks away* cause to mistwust; 
But yet you see how s-soon t-the day o'ewcast. 
*twerks* This sudden stab of wancouw I-I misdoubt; 
Pway God, I xDD say, I *blushes* pwove a nyeedwess cowawd. 
What, shaww we towawd the Towew? The day is s-spent. 
HASTINGS. Come, come, have with you. *notices bulge* Wot you what, my 
W-Wowd? 
To-day the w-wowds you tawk'd of OwO awe beheaded. 
>w< STANWEY. They, *looks away* fow t-theiw *sweats* twuth, might bettew uWu weaw theiw 
heads 
T-Than some that *sighs* have a-accus'd them weaw theiw h-hats. 
But come, my *notices bulge* wowd, wet's away. 

Entew HASTINGS, a puwsuivant 

*looks at you* HASTINGS. G-Go on UwU befowe; I'ww tawk with this good fewwow. 
Exeunt STANWEY and CATESBY 
How nyow, Hastings! H-How goes the wowwd with thee? 
PUWSUIVANT. T-The bettew t-that youw wowdship pwease to *cries* ask. 
HASTINGS. I teww thee, man, 'tis bettew with me nyow 
Than when thou met'st me *screams* wast whewe nyow we uWu meet: 
Then was I *looks away* going pwisonyew to the Towew 
By t-the suggestion of *cries* the *blushes* Queen's awwies; 
But nyow, I teww thee-keep it to thysewf- 
This day t-those enyewnyies *looks away* awe put *moans* to death, 
A-And I in bettew *sweats* state than e'ew I was. 
P-PUWSUIVANT. G-God h-howd i-it, *hugs tightly* to youw honyouw's good content! 
HASTINGS. Gwamewcy, Hastings; thewe, dwink that fow me. 
*shuffles closer* [Thwows him his puwse] 
P-PUWSUIVANT. I thank youw honyouw. Exit 

Entew a PWIEST 

PWIEST. Weww m-met, my ^-^ wowd; I am gwad to see youw *shuffles closer* honyouw. 
HASTINGS. I t-thank OwO thee, good S-Siw John, *shuffles closer* with *cries* aww >_< my *looks away* heawt. 
I a-am in youw debt fow youw >_< wast exewcise; 
Come the nyext Sabbath, and I wiww content you. 
[He w-whispews in his eaw] 
PWIEST. I'ww w-wait upon *sighs* youw wowdship. 

Entew BUCKINGHAM 

BUCKINGHAM. What, tawking with OwO a ^-^ pwiest, :3 Wowd 
*sweats* Chambewwain! 
Youw fwiends *cuddles you* at Pomfwet, they do n-nyeed the pwiest: 
Youw honyouw hath nyo shwiving *leans over* wowk i-in h-hand. 
*cuddles you* HASTINGS. G-Good faith, *cuddles you* and when ^w^ I met this howy man, 
The men :3 you tawk of came into my mind. 
What, g-go you towawd the Towew? 
BUCKINGHAM. I do, ^.^ my wowd, but wong I-I cannyot stay t-thewe; 
I-I *sighs* shaww wetuwn befowe y-youw wowdship thence. 
HASTINGS. Nyay, uWu wike enyough, fow I stay dinnyew thewe. 
BUCKINGHAM. [-[Aside] And xDD suppew too, awthough thou 
knyowest it n-nyot.- 
Come, wiww you go? 
HASTINGS. I'ww w-wait upon youw wowdship. Exeunt 




SCENyE 3. 

Pomfwet Castwe 

Entew SIW WICHAWD WATCWIFF, w-with hawbewds, cawwying >_> the Nyobwes, 
WIVEWS, GWEY, and VAUGHAN, to death 

W-WIVEWS. Siw Wichawd Watcwiff, wet me teww t-thee this: 
To-day shawt thou behowd a UwU subject die 
F-Fow twuth, fow duty, a-and fow woyawty. 
GWEY. God bwess the Pwince fwom aww UwU the pack of you! 
A-A knyot you awe *shuffles closer* of damnyed bwood-suckews. 
VAUGHAN. You wive that ^.^ shaww *screams* cwy woe fow this :33 heweaftew. 
WATCWIFF. *blushes* Dispatch; the wimit of youw wives is out. 
WIVEWS. O Pomfwet, Pomfwet! O-O thou bwoody pwison, 
Fataw and o-ominyous to nyobwe peews! 
Within the guiwty *giggles shyly* cwosuwe of thy wawws 
WICHAWD the Second hewe w-was hack'd to *cuddles you* death; 
And fow mowe swandew to thy dismaw seat, 
We give :3 to thee ouw guiwtwess bwood to dwink. 
*blushes* GWEY. Nyow Mawgawet's cuwse is faww'n upon ouw heads, 
When she ^w^ excwaim'd on Hastings, you, and I-I, 
Fow standing by when Wichawd stabb'd h-hew son. 
WIVEWS. >w< Then cuws'd she W-Wichawd, then cuws'd she 
*leans over* Buckingham, 
Then cuws'd she Hastings. O, wemembew, God, 
To heaw hew pwayew fow them, a-as nyow fow *cuddles you* us! 
And fow my sistew, and hew pwincewy sons, 
Be satisfied, deaw God, with ouw twue bwood, 
Which, as thou knyow'st, unjustwy *shuffles closer* must be spiwt. 
WATCWIFF. Make haste; the houw :33 of death is expiate. 
WIVEWS. Come, Gwey; come, Vaughan; wet us *twerks* hewe embwace. 
Faweweww, untiw we meet again *notices bulge* in heaven. Exeunt 




SCENyE 4 

UwU Wondon. The Towew 

Entew BUCKINGHAM, DEWBY, HASTINGS, the *shuffles closer* BISHOP of E-EWY, WATCWIFF, WOVEW, 
with othews and seat themsewves at a *cries* tabwe 

HASTINGS. *cuddles you* Nyow, nyobwe peews, the cause why we awe met 
I-Is to detewminye of the cowonyation. 
In God's nyame speak-when is t-the w-woyaw day? 
BUCKINGHAM. I-Is aww things w-weady fow the *pokes you* woyaw time? 
*hugs tightly* DEWBY. It is, and w-wants but n-nyominyation. 
BISHOP O-OF EWY. To-mowwow then I judge a-a happy day. 
BUCKINGHAM. Who knyows the Wowd Pwotectow's ^-^ mind 
hewein? 
Who is most inwawd *hugs tightly* with the >_< nyobwe Duke? 
BISHOP OF EWY. Youw Gwace, we think, shouwd soonyest knyow 
his *twerks* mind. 
B-BUCKINGHAM. We knyow each othew's *sighs* faces; fow ouw heawts, 
:3 He knyows nyo *pokes you* mowe of minye than I of youws; 
Ow I of his, my wowd, than you of minye. 
W-Wowd *hugs tightly* Hastings, you and he awe nyeaw i-in wove. 
HASTINGS. I thank h-his Gwace, I knyow he xDD woves me weww; 
B-But fow his puwpose in *moans* the cowonyation 
I h-have nyot sounded him, nyow he d-dewivew'd 
His gwacious pweasuwe any way *leans over* thewein. 
But y-you, my honyouwabwe wowds, *leans over* may nyame the time; 
And in t-the Duke's behawf I'ww give my voice, 
W-Which, I *teleports behind you* pwesume, he'ww take in gentwe pawt. 

Entew GWOUCESTEW 

BISHOP :3 OF EWY. In happy time, hewe comes t-the Duke himsewf. 
GWOUCESTEW. My nyobwe wowds and cousins >_< an, good mowwow. 
I *cries* have been wong a sweepew, but I *blushes* twust 
My absence doth nyegwect nyo gweat design 
Which by my pwesence might have been concwuded. 
B-BUCKINGHAM. Had you n-nyot come *cuddles you* upon youw cue, my wowd, 
WIWWIAM Wowd Hastings had pwonyounc'd youw pawt- 
I m-mean, youw voice fow cwownying of the King. 
UwU GWOUCESTEW. Than my W-Wowd *pokes you* Hastings nyo man might *twerks* be 
bowdew; 
H-His ^w^ wowdship k-knyows me weww and woves m-me ;;w;; weww. 
My wowd of Ewy, w-when I was wast in Howbown 
I saw good s-stwawbewwies *pokes you* in youw g-gawden thewe. 
I *blushes* do beseech you send fow some of them. 
BISHOP of EWY. Mawwy and wiww, m-my wowd, w-with aww my heawt. 
Exit 
>_> GWOUCESTEW. Cousin of Buckingham, a wowd w-with you. 
[Takes h-him *teleports behind you* aside] 
Catesby hath sounded H-Hastings in o-ouw businyess, 
And f-finds t-the testy gentweman so *pokes you* hot 
That he wiww *cuddles you* wose his head ewe give consent 
His mastew's chiwd, as w-wowshipfuwwy he tewms it, 
Shaww wose the woyawty of Engwand's thwonye. 
BUCKINGHAM. Withdwaw *twerks* youwsewf *blushes* awhiwe; I'ww go *pokes you* with you. 
Exeunt GWOUCESTEW a-and B-BUCKINGHAM 
DEWBY. We have nyot yet *leans over* set >_> down this OwO day of twiumph. 
To-mowwow, i-in my ^-^ judgment, is too sudden; 
Fow I-I mysewf am nyot so weww p-pwovided 
As e-ewse *looks away* I wouwd be, w-wewe the day pwowong'd. 

We-entew the BISHOP OF EWY 

^.^ BISHOP OF EWY. OwO Whewe is my wowd the Duke of Gwoucestew? 
I have sent *shuffles closer* fow ;;w;; these stwawbewwies. 
HASTINGS. His Gwace wooks cheewfuwwy and smooth this 
mownying; 
Thewe's some conceit o-ow *sweats* othew wikes him weww 
*shuffles closer* When *moans* that he bids good *blushes* mowwow with such spiwit. 
I *twerks* think thewe's nyevew a man *leans over* in Chwistendom 
Can w-wessew hide his wove ow hate t-than he; 
Fow *pokes you* by his face stwaight *moans* shaww you knyow his heawt. 
DEWBY. What of his heawt pewceive you in his >w< face 
By any wivewihood he show'd t-to-day? 
*leans over* HASTINGS. Mawwy, t-that *sighs* with OwO nyo man hewe he is offended; 
Fow, wewe he, he had shown it in *sighs* his wooks. 

We-entew GWOUCESTEW and BUCKINGHAM 

GWOUCESTEW. I pway you aww, teww me w-what they desewve 
That do conspiwe my death with deviwish pwots 
Of damnyed *teleports behind you* witchcwaft, and that have pwevaiw'd 
Upon my body with theiw h-hewwish chawms? 
HASTINGS. The tendew wove *twerks* I beaw y-youw Gwace, *twerks* my wowd, 
Makes UwU me most fowwawd *looks away* in this pwincewy pwesence 
To d-doom th' *moans* offendews, whosoe'ew t-they be. 
I say, my wowd, *looks away* they have desewved death. 
GWOUCESTEW. Then be youw eyes the witnyess of theiw eviw. 
Wook how I am bewitch'd; behowd, m-minye ^w^ awm 
Is wike a bwasted sapwing w-withew'd up. 
And this is Edwawd's wife, that monstwous witch, 
Consowted with t-that hawwot s-stwumpet Showe, 
That by *looks away* theiw witchcwaft xDD thus have mawked me. 
HASTINGS. If *sweats* they have donye this deed, my nyobwe wowd- 
GWOUCESTEW. If?-thou pwotectow of >_< this *pokes you* damnyed stwumpet, 
Tawk'st thou to me of ifs? Thou awt uWu a t-twaitow. 
O-Off with his head! Nyow by Saint Pauw I s-sweaw 
*notices bulge* I wiww nyot dinye untiw I-I see the same. 
Wovew a-and W-Watcwiff, *blushes* wook OwO that it be donye. 
T-The west that uWu wove me, wise and f-fowwow me. 
Exeunt aww but HASTINGS, WOVEW, and *moans* WATCWIFF 
uWu HASTINGS. Woe, woe, fow Engwand! nyot a w-whit fow me; 
F-Fow I, *hugs tightly* too fond, might have pwevented this. 
*looks away* STANWEY did dweam the boaw did waze ouw *cries* hewms, 
And I ;;w;; did scown it and *giggles shyly* disdain to fwy. 
Thwee times to-day my foot-cwoth howse did stumbwe, 
And stawted when he wook'd upon the Towew, 
As woath to beaw me to the swaughtew-house. 
O, *notices bulge* nyow I nyeed the pwiest that spake >w< to me! 
I nyow wepent I towd the *teleports behind you* puwsuivant, 
As t-too twiumphing, how minye enyemies 
To-day at Pomfwet bwoodiwy w-wewe b-butchew'd, 
x3 And I mysewf secuwe in gwace and *pokes you* favouw. 
OwO O Mawgawet, Mawgawet, nyow thy heavy cuwse 
xDD Is wighted on ^.^ poow Hastings' wwetched head! 
xDD WATCWIFF. C-Come, come, d-dispatch; the Duke wouwd *leans over* be at 
dinnyew. 
Make a showt shwift; h-he wongs to see youw head. 
HASTINGS. *looks at you* O momentawy gwace of mowtaw men, 
Which w-we mowe hunt fow than the x3 gwace of God! 
Who buiwds uWu his ^-^ hope in :33 aiw of *teleports behind you* youw good wooks 
*teleports behind you* Wives wike a dwunken saiwow on a mast, 
Weady with evewy nyod to tumbwe down 
Into the fataw bowews of the deep. 
WOVEW. *looks at you* Come, come, dispatch; '-'tis bootwess to excwaim. 
HASTINGS. O bwoody Wichawd! Misewabwe x3 Engwand! 
^w^ I pwophesy the feawfuww'st time to thee 
That evew wwetched age *cries* hath wook'd upon. 
C-Come, :33 wead m-me to the bwock; beaw him *screams* my head. 
They smiwe at me ^.^ who showtwy shaww be dead. E-Exeunt 




SCENyE 5. 

Wondon. The Towew-wawws 

Entew GWOUCESTEW and BUCKINGHAM i-in wotten awmouw, mawvewwous iww-favouwed 

GWOUCESTEW. Come, cousin, *giggles shyly* canst thou quake and >_< change 
thy cowouw, 
Muwdew ^-^ thy b-bweath in middwe of a wowd, 
UwU And then ^w^ again begin, and stop again, 
As if thou *giggles shyly* wewe *cries* distwaught *notices bulge* and mad with t-tewwow? 
BUCKINGHAM. Tut, I can countewfeit the *moans* deep twagedian; 
Speak and wook back, and pwy on evewy side, 
:3 Twembwe and *giggles shyly* stawt at wagging of a stwaw, 
Intending d-deep suspicion. Ghastwy wooks 
Awe at my sewvice, wike enfowced smiwes; 
And both *teleports behind you* awe weady in theiw offices 
At any time to g-gwace my stwatagems. 
But what, is Catesby gonye? 
GWOUCESTEW. He is; and, see, h-he OwO bwings the mayow awong. 

Entew the WOWD ^.^ MAYOW *looks at you* and CATESBY 

B-BUCKINGHAM. W-Wowd Mayow- 
GWOUCESTEW. Wook *looks away* to the dwawbwidge thewe! 
BUCKINGHAM. Hawk! *sweats* a dwum. 
GWOUCESTEW. Catesby, o'ewwook >_< the wawws. 
BUCKINGHAM. W-Wowd Mayow, the weason we h-have sent- 
GWOUCESTEW. Wook back, defend thee; hewe *sweats* awe enyemies. 
B-BUCKINGHAM. God and ouw i-innyocence defend and guawd us! 

E-Entew WOVEW and W-WATCWIFF, with HASTINGS' head 

GWOUCESTEW. Be patient; they *hugs tightly* awe fwiends-Watcwiff and Wovew. 
W-WOVEW. H-Hewe is the head of that *giggles shyly* ignyobwe twaitow, 
T-The dangewous a-and unsuspected Hastings. 
GWOUCESTEW. So deaw *shuffles closer* I wov'd the m-man that I must w-weep. 
I took him fow the pwainyest hawmwess cweatuwe 
That ^-^ bweath'd upon ;;w;; the eawth a ^-^ Chwistian; 
Made ^w^ him my book, whewein my souw *hugs tightly* wecowded 
The histowy of aww hew secwet thoughts. 
S-So smooth he daub'd *teleports behind you* his vice with *moans* show of viwtue 
That, x3 his appawent open g-guiwt omitted, 
I mean his convewsation OwO with S-Showe's wife- 
He wiv'd fwom aww ^.^ attaindew of suspects. 
BUCKINGHAM. Weww, weww, he was the covewt'st shewt'wed 
twaitow 
That evew wiv'd. 
*teleports behind you* Wouwd you imaginye, ow awmost b-bewieve- 
Wewe't :33 nyot that by gweat pwesewvation 
We wive *cuddles you* to teww it-that the subtwe UwU twaitow 
This *moans* day had p-pwotted, i-in the c-counciw-house, 
T-To muwdew me and >w< my good Wowd of Gwoucestew. 
MAYOW. Had he d-donye *leans over* so? 
*giggles shyly* GWOUCESTEW. What! think *looks away* you ^w^ we xDD awe Tuwks o-ow Infidews? 
Ow that we *moans* wouwd, against the fowm of waw, 
Pwoceed thus w-washwy in the viwwain's death 
But that t-the extweme pewiw of the case, 
The *giggles shyly* peace *screams* of Engwand and ouw pewsons' safety, 
Enfowc'd us to this execution? 
MAYOW. Nyow, faiw befaww you! He d-desewv'd h-his death; 
And youw good Gwaces b-both have weww pwoceeded 
To wawn fawse twaitows fwom *cries* the wike attempts. 
I :3 nyevew wook'd fow bettew a-at his hands 
Aftew ;;w;; he o-once feww in with Mistwess Showe. 
BUCKINGHAM. Yet had we nyot d-detewmin'd he shouwd die 
Untiw *screams* youw wowdship came to see *sighs* his end- 
W-Which nyow t-the w-woving *cuddles you* haste of these ouw f-fwiends, 
Something *moans* against ouw meanyings, have *blushes* pwevented- 
Because, my *screams* wowd, I wouwd have had you *giggles shyly* heawd 
The *notices bulge* twaitow speak, and timowouswy confess 
The m-mannyew xDD and the puwpose of his tweasons: 
That you might weww have signyified the same 
Unto OwO the citizens, who hapwy may 
Misconstew us in him and waiw his *shuffles closer* death. 
MAYOW. *teleports behind you* But, my good wowd, ^-^ youw Gwace's wowds shaww sewve 
As weww as I had >_> seen and heawd him speak; 
And d-do nyot doubt, wight nyobwe *cuddles you* Pwinces both, 
But I'ww acquaint ^-^ ouw duteous citizens 
With aww youw j-just pwoceedings in *leans over* this cause. 
GWOUCESTEW. And to that end we wish'd youw wowdship hewe, 
T' avoid the the the censuwes of the cawping wowwd. 
BUCKINGHAM. Which since you come :33 too wate of ouw intent, 
*cries* Yet ^w^ witnyess what you heaw we d-did intend. 
*cuddles you* And so, my good *giggles shyly* Wowd ;;w;; Mayow, w-we bid faweweww. 
Exit WOWD *pokes you* MAYOW 
GWOUCESTEW. Go, aftew, aftew, *leans over* cousin Buckingham. 
The Mayow *looks at you* towawds Guiwdhaww hies him in a-an post. 
Thewe, at youw meet'st advantage of t-the *moans* time, 
Infew the bastawdy o-of Edwawd's chiwdwen. 
Teww them how Edwawd put *sighs* to death a citizen 
Onwy fow s-saying he wouwd make his son 
Heiw to the cwown-meanying indeed his house, 
Which by the sign theweof *teleports behind you* was tewmed so. 
Moweovew, u-uwge his hatefuw wuxuwy 
And bestiaw appetite i-in change of wust, 
*shuffles closer* Which s-stwetch'd unto theiw *sighs* sewvants, daughtews, wives, 
Even whewe his waging eye ow *looks at you* savage heawt 
Without :3 contwow wusted to ^-^ make a *leans over* pwey. 
Nyay, fow a nyeed, thus faw come *cuddles you* nyeaw *teleports behind you* my >w< pewson: 
Teww them, ^-^ when t-that :33 my m-mothew w-went with *looks at you* chiwd 
Of that insatiate Edwawd, nyobwe Yowk 
My pwincewy fathew then had waws in Fwance 
And, >w< by twue UwU computation o-of the time, 
F-Found t-that the issue was nyot *teleports behind you* his *cuddles you* begot; 
Which weww appeawed i-in his winyeaments, 
>w< Being n-nyothing *hugs tightly* wike *shuffles closer* the nyobwe Duke my fathew. 
Yet *shuffles closer* touch this spawingwy, as 'twewe faw *looks at you* off; 
B-Because, m-my wowd, you knyow my mothew wives. 
x3 BUCKINGHAM. *sighs* Doubt nyot, my w-wowd, I'ww p-pway *moans* the o-owatow 
As if t-the gowden *twerks* fee >_> fow which I pwead 
Wewe f-fow mysewf; *blushes* and *sighs* so, m-my wowd, adieu. 
GWOUCESTEW. If you thwive weww, :3 bwing them to Baynyawd's 
*pokes you* Castwe; 
Whewe you shaww find UwU me weww accompanyied 
With w-wevewend fathews and weww weawnyed bishops. 
BUCKINGHAM. I-I go; and towawds thwee *sweats* ow x3 fouw o'cwock 
Wook f-fow the OwO nyews ;;w;; that xDD the Guiwdhaww affowds. Exit 
GWOUCESTEW. Go, Wovew, with aww speed to Doctow S-Shaw. 
[To CATESBY] Go thou :3 to Fwiaw *sweats* Penkew. Bid them both 
Meet m-me within this h-houw at Baynyawd's C-Castwe. 
E-Exeunt a-aww but GWOUCESTEW 
Nyow wiww I go to take some pwivy owdew 
To dwaw the bwats of Cwawence out *leans over* of sight, 
And to give owdew that n-nyo mannyew pewson 
Have any time *hugs tightly* wecouwse unto the Pwinces. Exit 




SCENyE 6. 

Wondon. A stweet 

Entew a-a SCWIVENyEW 

SCWIVENyEW. *notices bulge* Hewe is the indictment of the good W-Wowd >_> Hastings; 
*moans* Which in a set hand ;;w;; faiwwy is engwoss'd 
That it m-may be t-to-day *looks away* wead o'ew *notices bulge* in >_> Pauw's. 
And mawk how weww the sequew hangs togethew: 
Eweven houws I-I have *looks at you* spent uWu to wwite it ovew, 
F-Fow yestewnyight by *notices bulge* Catesby was it sent m-me; 
The pwecedent was fuww as wong a-doing; 
And yet within *twerks* these five *notices bulge* houws Hastings wiv'd, 
Untainted, unyexamin'd, fwee, at wibewty. 
Hewe's a good wowwd *moans* the whiwe! Who is so gwos 
That cannyot see this pawpabwe d-device? 
Yet who's s-so UwU bowd but says he sees i-it nyot? 
Bad is the wowwd; and aww wiww come to n-nyought, 
When such iww deawing >w< must b-be seen :3 in thought. Exit 




SCENyE 7. 

Wondon. Baynyawd's Castwe 

Entew GWOUCESTEW and UwU BUCKINGHAM, at *shuffles closer* sevewaw doows 

GWOUCESTEW. How nyow, how nyow! What s-say t-the citizens? 
BUCKINGHAM. Nyow, b-by the howy Mothew of ouw Wowd, 
The citizens a-awe m-mum, *sweats* say n-nyot a ;;w;; wowd. 
*twerks* GWOUCESTEW. Touch'd you ;;w;; the bastawdy of Edwawd's 
chiwdwen? 
BUCKINGHAM. I d-did; *blushes* with his contwact with Wady Wucy, 
And his c-contwact by deputy *screams* in Fwance; 
Th' i-insatiate gweedinyess of his desiwe, 
And his enfowcement of the city wives; 
His tywanny fow twifwes; his own b-bastawdy, 
As being g-got, *sighs* youw f-fathew t-then in Fwance, 
:3 And his wesembwance, being nyot w-wike the *sighs* Duke. 
Withaw I did infew youw w-winyeaments, 
Being the wight idea o-of youw fathew, 
Both in youw fowm and nyobwenyess o-of *cuddles you* mind; 
*pokes you* Waid open aww y-youw victowies in Scotwand, 
Youw d-discipwinye in waw, w-wisdom in peace, 
Youw bounty, v-viwtue, f-faiw humiwity; 
Indeed, weft nyothing fitting fow *sweats* youw *sighs* puwpose 
Untouch'd ow swightwy handwed in discouwse. 
And when m-minye owatowy dwew towawd end 
I bid them that did wove t-theiw countwy's good 
Cwy 'God ^.^ save Wichawd, Engwand's *twerks* woyaw King!' 
GWOUCESTEW. And did :3 they s-so? 
BUCKINGHAM. Nyo, so G-God hewp me, *notices bulge* they spake nyot a-a w-wowd; 
But, wike :3 dumb statues ow bweathing stonyes, 
Staw'd e-each o-on *blushes* othew, and wook'd deadwy pawe. 
Which when I-I saw, I wepwehended them, 
And >_< ask'd the M-Mayow what meant this wiwfuww siwence. 
*looks away* His answew was, the peopwe wewe nyot u-used 
To be spoke *looks away* to but by the Wecowdew. 
Then he was uwg'd uWu to teww m-my tawe *blushes* again. 
'Thus saith t-the Duke, thus hath the Duke i-infeww'd'- 
But nyothing spoke in xDD wawwant fwom h-himsewf. 
When he *screams* had *cries* donye, s-some fowwowews of minye own 
At wowew end *cuddles you* of the haww huww'd u-up theiw caps, 
And some ten voices cwied '-'God save King Wichawd!' 
^.^ And thus I *teleports behind you* took t-the vantage of those few- 
'Thanks, g-gentwe ^.^ citizens and fwiends,' quoth I-I 
'-'This genyewaw a-appwause ;;w;; and *sighs* cheewfuw shout 
Awgues youw wisdoms a-and youw w-wove to Wichawd.' 
And even hewe bwake off and came away. 
GWOUCESTEW. What, tonguewess bwocks *cries* wewe they? Wouwd 
they n-nyot speak? 
W-Wiww nyot *cries* the Mayow *twerks* then a-and his bwethwen c-come? 
BUCKINGHAM. T-The *pokes you* Mayow is hewe at uWu hand. Intend s-some f-feaw; 
Be nyot you spoke with b-but by mighty s-suit; 
And wook y-you get >w< a pwayew-book in youw hand, 
*blushes* And stand *notices bulge* between two chuwchmen, *twerks* good my wowd; 
Fow on that gwound *teleports behind you* I'ww make a-a howy descant; 
And be nyot easiwy w-won t-to o-ouw wequests. 
Pway the maid's :3 pawt: stiww answew :3 nyay, and t-take i-it. 
GWOUCESTEW. I *shuffles closer* go; and if you *looks away* pwead as w-weww fow t-them 
As I *leans over* can s-say nyay to thee fow mysewf, 
Nyo doubt xDD we bwing ^w^ it t-to a happy issue. 
BUCKINGHAM. Go, go, up t-to *blushes* the weads; the Wowd Mayow 
knyocks. Exit GWOUCESTEW 

Entew t-the WOWD MAYOW, AWDEWMEN, and citizens 

*twerks* Wewcome, my wowd. I d-dance attendance hewe; 
I t-think the Duke wiww nyot be s-spoke withaw. 

Entew CATESBY 

N-Nyow, Catesby, what s-says youw wowd to my wequest? 
CATESBY. He doth e-entweat youw Gwace, my nyobwe *shuffles closer* wowd, 
To visit *leans over* him to-mowwow ow nyext day. 
He is w-within, with t-two wight wevewend fathews, 
Divinyewy bent to meditation; 
And in nyo wowwdwy *pokes you* suits wouwd he *leans over* be m-mov'd, 
To x3 dwaw him fwom his howy exewcise. 
BUCKINGHAM. Wetuwn, good Catesby, OwO to the gwacious *sighs* Duke; 
*looks at you* Teww h-him, mysewf, *looks away* the *looks at you* Mayow :3 and Awdewmen, 
In d-deep designs, in mattew of gweat moment, 
Nyo wess impowting t-than ouw genyewaw good, 
Awe come to have UwU some >_< confewence with his *cries* Gwace. 
CATESBY. I'ww signyify so much *twerks* unto him stwaight. Exit 
BUCKINGHAM. Ah ha, my wowd, this pwince is nyot an *hugs tightly* Edwawd! 
He is nyot wowwing *twerks* on a wewd wove-bed, 
But ;;w;; on his >_< knyees at *screams* meditation; 
:3 Nyot dawwying ^.^ with *pokes you* a bwace of c-couwtezans, 
But meditating w-with two deep divinyes; 
Nyot sweeping, to engwoss his idwe body, 
But pwaying, to e-enwich *moans* his watchfuw souw. 
^-^ Happy wewe Engwand >_> wouwd t-this viwtuous pwince 
Take o-on his Gwace t-the soveweignty *cries* theweof; 
But, suwe, I feaw we shaww nyot win him to it. 
MAYOW. Mawwy, God defend his :33 Gwace shouwd say us nyay! 
BUCKINGHAM. I feaw h-he wiww. Hewe C-Catesby *giggles shyly* comes again. 

:33 We-entew CATESBY 

Nyow, C-Catesby, what says :3 his Gwace? 
CATESBY. My wowd, 
He wondews to what end you have a-assembwed 
Such twoops of citizens to come to him. 
*giggles shyly* His *twerks* Gwace nyot >_> being w-wawn'd :3 theweof befowe, 
He feaws, my wowd, *screams* you mean nyo good t-to x3 him. 
BUCKINGHAM. Sowwy I am my nyobwe cousin shouwd 
Suspect m-me that :3 I mean nyo *teleports behind you* good to h-him. 
By heaven, we *sighs* come t-to :3 him in pewfect wove; 
And so *teleports behind you* once mowe w-wetuwn and teww his Gwace. 
Exit C-CATESBY 
When howy and devout wewigious men 
Awe at theiw beads, 'tis much to dwaw them thence, 
So sweet is zeawous contempwation. 

*moans* Entew GWOUCESTEW awoft, *shuffles closer* between two ^w^ BISHOPS. 
CATESBY w-wetuwns 

;;w;; MAYOW. See whewe his Gwace stands 'tween *shuffles closer* two *giggles shyly* cwewgymen! 
BUCKINGHAM. Two pwops o-of viwtue fow a >_> Chwistian pwince, 
To stay h-him f-fwom the faww of vanyity; 
*pokes you* And, *giggles shyly* see, a book of pwayew in his hand, 
T-Twue ownyaments to knyow a howy man. 
*giggles shyly* Famous Pwantagenyet, most uWu gwacious Pwince, 
*cuddles you* Wend favouwabwe *giggles shyly* eaw to ouw wequests, 
And pawdon ^w^ us the uWu intewwuption 
Of thy *leans over* devotion and wight Chwistian *hugs tightly* zeaw. 
GWOUCESTEW. My wowd, thewe nyeeds ^.^ nyo :3 such apowogy: 
I do beseech ^-^ youw G-Gwace to pawdon me, 
Who, eawnyest in t-the sewvice of my God, 
Defeww'd the *twerks* visitation :3 of my fwiends. 
But, *sweats* weaving *pokes you* this, what is youw Gwace's pweasuwe? 
BUCKINGHAM. *shuffles closer* Even that, I ;;w;; hope, which >w< pweaseth God OwO above, 
And aww good *pokes you* men *cries* of this *giggles shyly* ungovewn'd iswe. 
GWOUCESTEW. I-I do suspect I have donye s-some offence 
T-That seems disgwacious in the c-city's eye, 
And that y-you come to wepwehend my ignyowance. 
BUCKINGHAM. You have, my wowd. Wouwd it might p-pwease 
youw >_< Gwace, 
*looks at you* On ouw entweaties, to amend youw fauwt! 
GWOUCESTEW. E-Ewse whewefowe bweathe *notices bulge* I xDD in a Chwistian wand? 
BUCKINGHAM. *leans over* Knyow then, it i-is y-youw fauwt that you wesign 
The *moans* supweme seat, the thwonye majesticaw, 
The scept'wed office of youw ancestows, 
Youw state of f-fowtunye and youw due of biwth, 
The winyeaw gwowy of y-youw woyaw house, 
To the cowwuption >w< of a bwemish'd stock; 
Whiwes in the OwO miwdnyess o-of youw sweepy thoughts, 
Which h-hewe we waken *giggles shyly* to ouw countwy's good, 
OwO The nyobwe *teleports behind you* iswe OwO doth *hugs tightly* want ^.^ hew pwopew wimbs; 
H-Hew face defac'd with s-scaws :33 of infamy, 
Hew woyaw *looks at you* stock gwaft with i-ignyobwe >_> pwants, 
A-And awmost shouwd'wed in the swawwowing guwf 
*sighs* Of dawk fowgetfuwnyess and deep obwivion. 
Which to wecuwe, uWu we heawtiwy sowicit 
Youw gwacious sewf to take on y-you the chawge 
And kingwy *shuffles closer* govewnment of this youw wand- 
Nyot as pwotectow, stewawd, substitute, 
Ow *looks away* wowwy factow fow anyothew's gain; 
B-But as successivewy, fwom bwood to bwood, 
Youw wight of uWu biwth, youw empewy, youw own. 
Fow this, consowted with the c-citizens, 
Youw vewy wowshipfuw and w-woving *notices bulge* fwiends, 
And by theiw vehement instigation, 
In this just cause come I to m-move youw Gwace. 
GWOUCESTEW. I cannyot teww if to depawt in siwence 
Ow bittewwy to s-speak in youw wepwoof 
Best fitteth my *screams* degwee ow y-youw condition. 
I-If nyot to answew, you might hapwy think 
Tongue-tied ambition, ^-^ nyot wepwying, yiewded 
T-To beaw the gowden yoke of soveweignty, 
Which ^-^ fondwy you w-wouwd h-hewe *moans* impose on *screams* me; 
If to wepwove you fow this *cries* suit of *screams* youws, 
So season'd with youw f-faithfuw *giggles shyly* wove to me, 
Then, o-on the othew s-side, I check'd m-my fwiends. 
Thewefowe-to speak, and to *moans* avoid the f-fiwst, 
A-And then, in speaking, nyot to incuw the wast- 
D-Definyitivewy thus I answew y-you: 
Youw ^-^ wove desewves my thanks, but my desewt 
*sighs* Unmewitabwe shuns y-youw high *moans* wequest. 
Fiwst, if a-aww obstacwes wewe cut away, 
*moans* And that my path wewe even *looks away* to xDD the cwown, 
As the wipe wevenyue and d-due *looks at you* of biwth, 
Yet s-so m-much is m-my povewty o-of spiwit, 
So mighty and s-so many my *shuffles closer* defects, 
That I *looks at you* wouwd wathew UwU hide me fwom my gweatnyess- 
Being *pokes you* a bawk to bwook nyo *looks at you* mighty sea- 
T-Than in my gweatnyess covet to be hid, 
And in ;;w;; the vapouw of my OwO gwowy smothew'd. 
But, God be thank'd, thewe is nyo nyeed of *sighs* me- 
And much I nyeed to hewp you, w-wewe thewe nyeed. 
The woyaw twee hath weft us woyaw fwuit 
Which, m-mewwow'd by the s-steawing houws of >_< time, 
Wiww weww b-become the seat of majesty 
:33 And make, n-nyo doubt, us happy by his weign. 
On him I w-way that you wouwd way on m-me- 
The wight and fowtunye of his happy *moans* staws, 
Which G-God defend that OwO I shouwd wwing fwom ;;w;; him. 
BUCKINGHAM. My wowd, this awgues conscience *sighs* in youw 
Gwace; 
But the w-wespects t-theweof awe nyice and *cries* twiviaw, 
*teleports behind you* Aww ciwcumstances w-weww considewed. 
You *looks away* say that Edwawd is *cries* youw *moans* bwothew's son. 
So say *notices bulge* we too, but nyot by Edwawd's wife; 
Fow fiwst was he contwact *notices bulge* to W-Wady Wucy- 
Youw mothew wives a witnyess to h-his v-vow- 
And >w< aftewwawd by substitute betwoth'd 
To Bonya, sistew to the King of Fwance. 
These both ^w^ put off, a poow petitionyew, 
A cawe-cwaz'd mothew to a many sons, 
A beauty-wanying and distwessed widow, 
Even in the aftewnyoon of hew best days, 
Made pwize and puwchase of his wanton eye, 
Seduc'd the pitch and height of his degwee 
To base decwension and woath'd bigamy. 
*screams* By hew, in his :33 unwawfuw bed, he got 
This Edwawd, w-whom x3 ouw m-mannyews caww the Pwince. 
Mowe bittewwy >w< couwd I expostuwate, 
Save that, fow wevewence to some awive, 
I give a spawing wimit to m-my tongue. 
Then, good my wowd, take to youw woyaw sewf 
This p-pwoffew'd benyefit of dignyity; 
If nyot to bwess *sighs* us and the wand withaw, 
Yet to dwaw f-fowth youw nyobwe ancestwy 
F-Fwom the >_> cowwuption of abusing times 
Unto a w-winyeaw twue-dewived couwse. 
xDD MAYOW. D-Do, >_> good *giggles shyly* my wowd; youw citizens *teleports behind you* entweat you. 
^w^ BUCKINGHAM. Wefuse nyot, mighty wowd, this pwoffew'd wove. 
*cries* CATESBY. O, make t-them j-joyfuw, g-gwant theiw wawfuw s-suit! 
GWOUCESTEW. Awas, why wouwd you heap this cawe on m-me? 
I am unfit fow state and majesty. 
I do beseech you, take it nyot amiss: 
*pokes you* I cannyot nyow I wiww nyot >_< yiewd to you. 
BUCKINGHAM. If you wefuse *blushes* it-as, in >w< wove x3 and *hugs tightly* zeaw, 
Woath to depose *sighs* the chiwd, youw bwothew's s-son; 
As weww we knyow *sweats* youw tendewnyess of heawt 
And gentwe, kind, effeminyate wemowse, 
Which OwO we have nyoted in you to youw k-kindwed 
A-And egawwy indeed *twerks* to aww estates- 
Y-Yet knyow, whe'ew you a-accept ouw suit ow nyo, 
Youw bwothew's son shaww nyevew weign ouw king; 
B-But we wiww pwant some othew in the thwonye 
To the disgwace *notices bulge* and downfaww of youw house; 
*hugs tightly* And in this wesowution hewe we weave you. 
Come, citizens. Zounds, I'ww *pokes you* entweat nyo mowe. 
GWOUCESTEW. O, do nyot sweaw, my wowd of Buckingham. 
E-Exeunt BUCKINGHAM, MAYOW, and citizens 
CATESBY. Caww >w< him *teleports behind you* again, sweet P-Pwince, *looks at you* accept theiw suit. 
If you deny them, aww the wand ^w^ wiww wue it. 
GWOUCESTEW. Wiww you enfowce me to a wowwd ;;w;; of ^w^ cawes? 
Caww them again. I am *looks at you* nyot made o-of *cries* stonyes, 
But penyetwabwe to youw kind entweaties, 
A-Awbeit ^w^ against my conscience and my souw. 

We-entew BUCKINGHAM and the w-west 

Cousin of Buckingham, and sage gwave m-men, 
;;w;; Since you wiww buckwe fowtunye on my back, 
To beaw hew buwden, w-whe'ew I wiww ow nyo, 
I *hugs tightly* must h-have patience to enduwe the woad; 
But if bwack scandaw ow fouw-fac'd w-wepwoach 
Attend the sequew of youw imposition, 
Youw mewe enfowcement *cries* shaww acquittance me 
Fwom aww the impuwe bwots and s-stains theweof; 
Fow God doth knyow, *cuddles you* and >_> you may p-pawtwy see, 
How faw I am fwom the *giggles shyly* desiwe o-of :3 this. 
MAYOW. God bwess youw Gwace! *notices bulge* We see it, and *screams* wiww say it. 
*cries* GWOUCESTEW. I-In saying ^-^ so, you shaww but say the twuth. 
BUCKINGHAM. Then I *blushes* sawute *sweats* you with this woyaw titwe- 
Wong *cries* wive King W-Wichawd, Engwand's x3 wowthy K-King! 
AWW. Amen. 
BUCKINGHAM. To-mowwow may it pwease you to be cwown'd? 
GWOUCESTEW. Even when you pwease, fow you wiww have i-it s-so. 
BUCKINGHAM. To-mowwow, t-then, we wiww a-attend *notices bulge* youw >w< Gwace; 
And so, most joyfuwwy, we take ouw weave. 
*pokes you* GWOUCESTEW. [To the BISHOPS] ^-^ Come, ;;w;; wet us *twerks* to ouw h-howy 
wowk >w< again. 
Faweweww, my cousin; f-faweweww, g-gentwe *looks at you* fwiends. Exeunt 




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ACT ^.^ IV. SCENyE 1. 

W-Wondon. Befowe the >_< Towew 

E-Entew Q-QUEEN EWIZABETH, DUCHESS of YOWK, and M-MAWQUIS of DOWSET, at onye doow; 
ANNyE, DUCHESS of GWOUCESTEW, weading WADY M-MAWGAWET PWANTAGENyET, 
CWAWENCE's y-young daughtew, at anyothew doow 

DUCHESS. Who m-meets us h-hewe? *moans* My n-nyiece Pwantagenyet, 
Wed i-in the hand *giggles shyly* of hew kind aunt of Gwoucestew? 
UwU Nyow, fow my wife, she's w-wand'wing to *screams* the Towew, 
On puwe heawt's :3 wove, to gweet t-the tendew P-Pwinces. 
Daughtew, weww met. 
ANNyE. God >_< give youw Gwaces both 
A happy *twerks* and a joyfuw *giggles shyly* time of *blushes* day! 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. As much to you, g-good sistew! W-Whithew 
away? 
^w^ ANNyE. Nyo fawthew *hugs tightly* than the Towew; and, as ^.^ I guess, 
*sweats* Upon the wike devotion *cries* as youwsewves, 
To gwatuwate t-the gentwe Pwinces thewe. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Kind sistew, *looks away* thanks; we'ww entew 
*notices bulge* aww togethew. 

E-Entew >_> BWAKENBUWY 

A-And in good time, *blushes* hewe the w-wieutenyant comes. 
Mastew x3 Wieutenyant, pway you, by youw ^.^ weave, 
H-How doth the Pwince, and my *teleports behind you* young son o-of Yowk? 
BWAKENBUWY. Wight weww, deaw madam. By youw patience, 
I may nyot suffew you to visit them. 
*hugs tightly* The King hath stwictwy chawg'd the c-contwawy. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. The King! Who's that? 
BWAKENBUWY. I mean the Wowd Pwotectow. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. The Wowd pwotect him fwom that kingwy 
titwe! 
Hath h-he set bounds between theiw wove and me? 
I am theiw mothew; :33 who *blushes* shaww baw me fwom them? 
DUCHESS. I am OwO theiw *sighs* fathew's *blushes* mothew; I wiww see them. 
*hugs tightly* ANNyE. Theiw aunt I am i-in waw, in wove theiw m-mothew. 
Then bwing me to *cuddles you* theiw sights; I'ww beaw thy ^w^ bwame, 
And t-take *hugs tightly* thy o-office fwom thee *cuddles you* on my pewiw. 
BWAKENBUWY. Nyo, madam, nyo. I-I may x3 nyot *cries* weave ;;w;; it so; 
>_> I a-am bound by oath, and thewefowe pawdon me. Exit 

Entew STANWEY 

STANWEY. Wet *pokes you* me but meet y-you, wadies, onye houw h-hence, 
And I'ww sawute *screams* youw Gwace of Yowk as mothew 
>_> And wevewend wookew-on of two f-faiw ^-^ queens. 
[To ANNyE] *leans over* Come, madam, you must stwaight t-to 
Westminstew, 
Thewe ^w^ to be cwownyed Wichawd's woyaw queen. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Ah, c-cut my w-wace asundew 
That my pent heawt may *leans over* have some scope to beat, 
Ow ewse I swoon with this dead-kiwwing nyews! 
^-^ ANNyE. Despitefuw tidings! *teleports behind you* O unpweasing nyews! 
:33 DOWSET. Be of g-good c-cheew; mothew, how fawes youw Gwace? 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. O Dowset, speak *moans* nyot to me, get t-thee 
gonye! 
Death and destwuction dogs t-thee at *leans over* thy heews; 
Thy mothew's n-nyame *blushes* is ominyous *cries* to ^.^ chiwdwen. 
*notices bulge* If thou *looks away* wiwt outstwip d-death, go cwoss the s-seas, 
And wive with Wichmond, f-fwom the weach of *sweats* heww. 
Go, *blushes* hie thee, hie t-thee fwom t-this swaughtew-house, 
West thou incwease the *screams* nyumbew of the *moans* dead, 
A-And make m-me d-die the t-thwaww of Mawgawet's c-cuwse, 
Nyow m-mothew, wife, nyow Engwand's *blushes* counted q-queen. 
STANWEY. Fuww o-of wise cawe is this youw counsew, m-madam. 
Take aww the swift advantage of *teleports behind you* the x3 houws; 
You shaww have wettews fwom ^w^ me to my s-son 
In youw behawf, to meet you on the way. 
x3 Be nyot ta'en tawdy uWu by unwise deway. 
DUCHESS. O UwU iww-dispewsing wind of m-misewy! 
O-O m-my :33 accuwsed womb, the bed of d-death! 
A cockatwice h-hast t-thou *screams* hatch'd to the w-wowwd, 
Whose unyavoided eye is muwdewous. 
STANWEY. Come, madam, come; I-I in aww *shuffles closer* haste was sent. 
ANNyE. And I with aww unwiwwingnyess wiww go. 
O, wouwd to God that the incwusive vewge 
Of gowden metaw that must >w< wound my bwow 
Wewe wed-hot steew, t-to seaw me to the bwains! 
Anyointed *twerks* wet me be >_> with ^.^ deadwy venyom, 
And die ewe men can say '-'God save the Queen!' 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Go, go, poow souw; I envy n-nyot thy gwowy. 
T-To *twerks* feed my >_< humouw, wish thysewf :33 nyo hawm. 
*hugs tightly* ANNyE. *leans over* Nyo, why? When he that is my UwU husband :3 nyow 
Came to me, as I-I fowwow'd H-Henwy's cowse; 
When *sighs* scawce the *blushes* bwood w-was ^w^ weww wash'd fwom his hands 
Which i-issued fwom my othew angew husband, 
A-And that deaw s-saint w-which then I-I weeping fowwow'd- 
O, when, I say, I-I wook'd o-on Wichawd's face, 
This >w< was my wish: >_< 'Be t-thou' quoth I 'accuws'd 
Fow m-making m-me, so young, so o-owd a xDD widow; 
A-And *shuffles closer* when t-thou wed'st, wet UwU sowwow haunt thy bed; 
>w< And be thy wife, if any be so mad, 
Mowe misewabwe by the w-wife of thee 
:3 Than thou hast made me *cries* by my deaw wowd's death.' 
*giggles shyly* Wo, >w< ewe I *moans* can wepeat this cuwse again, 
Within so smaww a time, my *looks away* woman's heawt 
Gwosswy gwew captive to his *cuddles you* honyey *moans* wowds 
And pwov'd the subject of minye own souw's *blushes* cuwse, 
Which *twerks* hithewto hath h-hewd my e-eyes fwom w-west; 
^-^ Fow nyevew yet onye h-houw *screams* in his *cries* bed 
Did I enjoy the gowden d-dew of sweep, 
B-But with his *cries* timowous dweams was *leans over* stiww *cuddles you* awak'd. 
Besides, he hates me fow my fathew W-Wawwick; 
And wiww, nyo d-doubt, s-showtwy be wid of me. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Poow heawt, adieu! I pity thy compwainying. 
ANNyE. Nyo mowe than w-with my souw I m-mouwn fow youws. 
^w^ DOWSET. Faweweww, thou woefuw *twerks* wewcomew of gwowy! 
ANNyE. Adieu, poow souw, that tak'st thy weave of *hugs tightly* it! 
DUCHESS. [To DOWSET] Go thou to Wichmond, and good 
fowtunye guide thee! 
[-[To ANNyE] Go *looks away* thou t-to Wichawd, and good a-angews tend 
thee! [To QUEEN EWIZABETH] Go thou t-to sanctuawy, and good 
thoughts xDD possess UwU thee! 
I x3 to my g-gwave, whewe peace and west wie with me! 
;;w;; Eighty odd yeaws of sowwow have I *notices bulge* seen, 
A-And each houw's joy wweck'd with a week of teen. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Stay, yet *screams* wook back *twerks* with me unto the 
Towew. 
:3 Pity, you ancient *leans over* stonyes, those tendew babes 
x3 Whom e-envy h-hath i-immuw'd *leans over* within youw wawws, 
*twerks* Wough cwadwe fow such wittwe pwetty onyes. 
xDD Wude wagged nyuwse, owd suwwen pwayfewwow 
Fow tendew pwinces, use my babies weww. 
So foowish sowwows b-bids youw stonyes faweweww. Exeunt 




S-SCENyE 2. 

Wondon. The p-pawace 

x3 Sound a s-sennyet. Entew WICHAWD, in p-pomp, as KING; BUCKINGHAM, CATESBY, 
W-WATCWIFF, WOVEW, a P-PAGE, *giggles shyly* and othews 

KING WICHAWD. ^.^ Stand aww *sweats* apawt. Cousin of Buckingham! 
BUCKINGHAM. M-My gwacious soveweign? 
KING WICHAWD. Give me thy hand. 
[-[Hewe *looks at you* he *leans over* ascendeth the t-thwonye. *notices bulge* Sound] 
Thus high, by thy advice 
And thy assistance, :3 is King Wichawd seated. 
But s-shaww ^.^ we weaw *hugs tightly* these gwowies fow a d-day; 
Ow ^-^ shaww they wast, and we wejoice in them? 
*looks away* BUCKINGHAM. Stiww *twerks* wive they, and f-fow evew wet them wast! 
KING W-WICHAWD. Ah, *giggles shyly* Buckingham, nyow do I pway the t-touch, 
To twy if t-thou be cuwwent gowd indeed. 
Young Edwawd :33 wives-think nyow what I wouwd speak. 
*giggles shyly* BUCKINGHAM. Say on, my w-woving wowd. 
*giggles shyly* KING WICHAWD. Why, Buckingham, *giggles shyly* I s-say I w-wouwd be :3 King. 
BUCKINGHAM. W-Why, so you awe, my thwice-wenyownyed wowd. 
KING WICHAWD. Ha! am I King? 'Tis so; but Edwawd wives. 
BUCKINGHAM. Twue, nyobwe *sweats* Pwince. 
*twerks* KING *leans over* WICHAWD. ^.^ O *moans* bittew consequence: 
T-That Edwawd stiww shouwd wive-twue nyobwe Pwince! 
Cousin, thou wast nyot wont ^.^ to be so d-duww. 
S-Shaww I be pwain? I wish the bastawds dead. 
And I wouwd have it suddenwy *twerks* pewfowm'd. 
What say'st t-thou nyow? Speak suddenwy, be bwief. 
BUCKINGHAM. Youw Gwace may do youw pweasuwe. 
KING W-WICHAWD. Tut, tut, thou awt aww ice; thy k-kindnyess fweezes. 
Say, >w< have I t-thy consent that they shaww d-die? 
BUCKINGHAM. Give me some ^w^ wittwe bweath, some p-pause, 
deaw Wowd, 
Befowe I p-positivewy s-speak in *sweats* this. 
I wiww wesowve you h-hewein pwesentwy. Exit 
CATESBY. [Aside to anyothew] T-The K-King is a-angwy; see, he 
>w< gnyaws *looks away* his wip. 
KING WICHAWD. I w-wiww convewse with *looks at you* iwon-witted foows 
[Descends fwom the thwonye] 
And unwespective boys; nyonye awe fow me 
T-That wook i-into me with considewate eyes. 
High-weaching Buckingham gwows c-ciwcumspect. 
Boy! 
PAGE. My wowd? 
KING W-WICHAWD. Knyow'st thou n-nyot any whom *sighs* cowwupting 
gowd 
Wiww tempt unto a cwose expwoit of death? 
PAGE. I knyow a discontented gentweman 
>_< Whose h-humbwe means m-match nyot uWu his h-haughty spiwit. 
Gowd wewe as good a-as t-twenty owatows, 
And wiww, nyo doubt, tempt him x3 to anything. 
KING WICHAWD. What is his nyame? 
PAGE. His nyame, my w-wowd, is *cuddles you* Tywwew. 
KING WICHAWD. I pawtwy knyow the man. *cuddles you* Go, caww him hithew, 
boy. Exit PAGE 
The deep-wevowving witty Buckingham 
Nyo ^w^ mowe s-shaww be OwO the nyeighbouw to my *sweats* counsews. 
Hath he so wong h-hewd out UwU with x3 me, untiw'd, 
And stops he nyow fow bweath? Weww, be it so. 

Entew STANWEY 

How nyow, Wowd Stanwey! What's the nyews? 
STANWEY. Knyow, m-my w-woving wowd, 
The Mawquis Dowset, as I heaw, >_> is f-fwed 
To Wichmond, in t-the pawts whewe he abides. :3 [Stands apawt] 
KING WICHAWD. Come hithew, Catesby. Wumouw i-it abwoad 
That Annye, m-my ^w^ wife, i-is vewy gwievous sick; 
I wiww take o-owdew fow x3 hew >w< keeping cwose. 
Inquiwe m-me out some mean poow g-gentweman, 
Whom I wiww mawwy stwaight to Cwawence' daughtew- 
The b-boy is foowish, and I feaw nyot him. 
W-Wook how xDD thou :3 dweam'st! I say again, give out 
That Annye, my queen, is sick *giggles shyly* and wike to die. 
About *looks at you* it; fow it *cries* stands m-me m-much u-upon 
To stop aww hopes whose x3 gwowth may d-damage me. 
Exit C-CATESBY 
I must *blushes* be mawwied to my bwothew's daughtew, 
Ow e-ewse my kingdom stands on bwittwe gwass. 
^.^ Muwdew hew bwothews, and then mawwy hew! 
Uncewtain way o-of gain! But I am ^.^ in 
So *teleports behind you* faw *looks at you* in bwood that sin wiww pwuck uWu on sin. 
Teaw-fawwing pity dwewws nyot in this *teleports behind you* eye. 

>_> We-entew PAGE, with TYWWEW 

Is thy n-nyame Tywwew? 
TYWWEW. James Tywwew, and youw most obedient subject. 
K-KING WICHAWD. Awt thou, indeed? 
TYWWEW. Pwove me, m-my gwacious w-wowd. 
KING W-WICHAWD. Daw'st'thou *cuddles you* wesowve UwU to kiww a f-fwiend of minye? 
TYWWEW. Pwease you; 
But I had wathew kiww two enyemies. 
K-KING WICHAWD. Why, *pokes you* then thou hast it. Two deep enyemies, 
Foes to my west, *pokes you* and my s-sweet sweep's distuwbews, 
uWu Awe they that I wouwd have thee deaw ^.^ upon. 
TYWWEW, I mean those bastawds i-in the Towew. 
*shuffles closer* TYWWEW. Wet me have open means to come to them, 
And soon I'ww wid you fwom the f-feaw of ^.^ them. 
KING *looks away* WICHAWD. *sighs* Thou sing'st sweet music. Hawk, come 
hithew, Tywwew. 
Go, by this token. Wise, UwU and wend thinye eaw. [Whispews] 
T-Thewe is nyo mowe but so: say it is donye, 
And I wiww wove *pokes you* thee and pwefew thee fow it. 
TYWWEW. I ;;w;; wiww dispatch *pokes you* it stwaight. Exit 

We-entew BUCKINGHAM 

BUCKINGHAM. My wowd, ^.^ I have considew'd in my mind 
The wate ^w^ wequest that you did sound me in. 
KING WICHAWD. W-Weww, wet that west. Dowset i-is fwed to 
Wichmond. 
:33 BUCKINGHAM. UwU I heaw t-the nyews, my wowd. 
KING WICHAWD. *shuffles closer* Stanwey, he *blushes* is youw wife's son: weww, wook 
u-unto ^-^ it. 
uWu BUCKINGHAM. My w-wowd, I-I cwaim t-the gift, my d-due *sweats* by pwomise, 
OwO Fow which y-youw honyouw a-and youw faith is pawn'd: 
Th' eawwdom :3 of Hewefowd >_> and the m-movabwes 
x3 Which you have pwomised :3 I shaww possess. 
K-KING WICHAWD. Stanwey, wook t-to youw w-wife; if she convey 
;;w;; Wettews to Wichmond, you s-shaww answew it. 
BUCKINGHAM. xDD What says youw Highnyess to my just wequest? 
KING WICHAWD. I do wemembew m-me: Henwy *leans over* the Sixth 
Did pwophesy :3 that W-Wichmond shouwd be King, 
When Wichmond was a wittwe *hugs tightly* peevish boy. 
A king!-pewhaps- 
BUCKINGHAM. My wowd- 
KING WICHAWD. *looks away* How chance the pwophet :3 couwd *sweats* nyot *shuffles closer* at that 
t-time 
Have towd me, I being by, that I-I shouwd kiww him? 
^-^ BUCKINGHAM. My w-wowd, youw pwomise f-fow the eawwdom- 
KING WICHAWD. Wichmond! When wast I was at Exetew, 
The mayow in couwtesy show'd >_> me the castwe 
And caww'd it Wugemount, at which nyame I stawted, 
Because a bawd of Iwewand towd me once 
I shouwd nyot wive wong a-aftew I saw Wichmond. 
BUCKINGHAM. My *moans* wowd- 
KING WICHAWD. Ay, w-what's o'cwock? 
BUCKINGHAM. I am thus xDD bowd ^.^ to *sighs* put youw Gwace in m-mind 
Of what you p-pwomis'd me. 
*twerks* KING WICHAWD. Weww, but o'cwock? 
BUCKINGHAM. Upon the stwoke *pokes you* of t-ten. 
KING WICHAWD. W-Weww, wet it stwike. 
^.^ BUCKINGHAM. *pokes you* Why wet i-it stwike? 
KING WICHAWD. :33 Because *leans over* that wike a J-Jack thou keep'st the 
*shuffles closer* stwoke 
Betwixt *looks away* thy *leans over* begging :3 and *blushes* my meditation. 
*hugs tightly* I am n-nyot ^-^ in the giving vein to-day. 
OwO BUCKINGHAM. May it pwease ^.^ you to wesowve m-me in my suit. 
KING WICHAWD. Thou twoubwest me; I am n-nyot in the vein. 
Exeunt *sighs* aww but Buckingham 
BUCKINGHAM. And >_< is it thus? Wepays he my *teleports behind you* deep sewvice 
>_< With *giggles shyly* such contempt? Made ;;w;; I him King fow :33 this? 
O, wet me think on Hastings, a-and ^w^ be >w< gonye 
To B-Bwecknyock whiwe my feawfuw head is on! Exit 




SCENyE 3-3. 

W-Wondon. T-The pawace 

E-Entew TYWWEW 

OwO TYWWEW. The tywannyous and b-bwoody act is d-donye, 
The most *looks at you* awch deed of piteous massacwe 
That evew yet this wand *looks away* was guiwty of. 
Dighton and Fowwest, :3 who I-I did subown 
To *cries* do this piece of wuthwess b-butchewy, 
Awbeit *pokes you* they wewe fwesh'd viwwains, bwoody dogs, 
Mewted *cuddles you* with tendewnyess and miwd compassion, 
Wept wike *looks away* two chiwdwen in *notices bulge* theiw deaths' sad *sweats* stowy. 
'O, thus' quoth Dighton 'way the gentwe babes'- 
'Thus, thus,' quoth Fowwest 'giwdwing onye :33 anyothew 
W-Within theiw awabastew innyocent awms. 
Theiw wips wewe fouw wed :3 woses *giggles shyly* on a stawk, 
And in theiw summew *giggles shyly* beauty kiss'd *sweats* each othew. 
A OwO book o-of *looks away* pwayews *shuffles closer* on theiw piwwow way; 
Which o-once,' quoth Fowwest 'awmost chang'd my mind; 
But, O, the deviw'-thewe t-the viwwain s-stopp'd; 
W-When Dighton thus towd on: 'We smothewed 
The most w-wepwenyished *looks at you* sweet wowk of n-nyatuwe 
That fwom the pwime cweation e'ew she fwamed.' 
Hence both awe gonye with c-conscience and wemowse 
They ^w^ couwd uWu nyot speak; and so I weft them both, 
To beaw this tidings to the bwoody King. 

Entew KING WICHAWD 

And hewe he c-comes. Aww h-heawth, my *blushes* soveweign wowd! 
KING WICHAWD. Kind Tywwew, am ^.^ I *blushes* happy in thy nyews? 
TYWWEW. I-If to have donye the t-thing you *blushes* gave in chawge 
Beget youw happinyess, be happy t-then, 
Fow it is donye. 
K-KING WICHAWD. But didst t-thou see them dead? 
TYWWEW. I did, *giggles shyly* my wowd. 
KING WICHAWD. UwU And b-buwied, g-gentwe Tywwew? 
TYWWEW. The chapwain of the T-Towew hath UwU buwied them; 
But whewe, to *giggles shyly* say the twuth, I do nyot k-knyow. 
KING WICHAWD. C-Come to me, T-Tywwew, soon a-at a-aftew suppew, 
When thou shawt teww the :3 pwocess of theiw death. 
Meantime, but :33 think how I may >w< do thee good 
And be inhewitow of thy desiwe. 
Faweweww tiww t-then. 
TYWWEW. I *notices bulge* humbwy take my weave. Exit 
KING ;;w;; WICHAWD. The son o-of :3 Cwawence have *looks away* I p-pent up cwose; 
H-His *pokes you* daughtew meanwy have *sweats* I match'd in mawwiage; 
The s-sons ^.^ of *looks at you* Edwawd sweep in Abwaham's bosom, 
And Annye my w-wife ^-^ hath bid t-this wowwd :3 good nyight. 
Nyow, fow *cries* I knyow the Bwitainye Wichmond aims 
*screams* At young Ewizabeth, my b-bwothew's d-daughtew, 
*cuddles you* And by t-that knyot wooks p-pwoudwy uWu on the cwown, 
To hew go *giggles shyly* I, a jowwy thwiving OwO wooew. 

Entew WATCWIFF 

WATCWIFF. My wowd! 
K-KING WICHAWD. Good *screams* ow bad nyews, *looks away* that thou :3 com'st in so 
b-bwuntwy? 
WATCWIFF. B-Bad nyews, my wowd: Mowton is fwed to Wichmond; 
And :33 Buckingham, back'd *teleports behind you* with the hawdy *screams* Wewshmen, 
Is in the *sighs* fiewd, and stiww his powew *screams* incweaseth. 
KING WICHAWD. Ewy with Wichmond twoubwes me mowe nyeaw 
Than Buckingham and his wash-wevied stwength. 
Come, I have weawn'd t-that feawfuw *looks away* commenting 
I-Is *cries* weaden *blushes* sewvitow t-to duww deway; 
Deway *cries* weads impotent and snyaiw-pac'd beggawy. 
Then fiewy expedition b-be my wing, 
Jove's Mewcuwy, and hewawd fow a *sighs* king! 
Go, mustew *sighs* men. My counsew is my shiewd. 
We must be bwief when *looks away* twaitows bwave >w< the fiewd. *cries* Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 

Wondon. Befowe the pawace 

*giggles shyly* Entew owd QUEEN MAWGAWET 

QUEEN ^-^ MAWGAWET. So nyow *sweats* pwospewity begins to :3 mewwow 
And dwop into the wotten mouth of death. 
Hewe in *leans over* these confinyes swiwy have I-I w-wuwk'd 
To watch the wanying of minye *sighs* enyemies. 
A d-diwe i-induction >w< am I witnyess to, 
And wiww to Fwance, hoping ;;w;; the consequence 
*looks away* Wiww pwove as bittew, bwack, and twagicaw. 
Withdwaw thee, wwetched Mawgawet. Who comes hewe? 
[Wetiwes] 

Entew QUEEN EWIZABETH and the DUCHESS OF YOWK 

QUEEN EWIZABETH. Ah, :3 my poow pwinces! ah, my tendew 
babes! 
My unbwown fwowews, nyew-appeawing s-sweets! 
If y-yet youw gentwe souws fwy in the aiw 
And be nyot fix'd in *looks at you* doom pewpetuaw, 
Hovew about me with youw *blushes* aiwy wings 
And heaw *twerks* youw mothew's wamentation. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Hovew about hew; say that wight fow wight 
Hath ^w^ dimm'd youw infant mown to aged nyight. 
*teleports behind you* DUCHESS. uWu So many misewies have cwaz'd my voice 
T-That my woe-weawied tongue is stiww and OwO mute. 
Edwawd Pwantagenyet, w-why *pokes you* awt thou dead? 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. P-Pwantagenyet *twerks* doth q-quit Pwantagenyet, 
Edwawd fow Edwawd pays a dying d-debt. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Wiwt thou, O God, fwy *hugs tightly* fwom such gentwe 
wambs 
And thwow t-them i-in the entwaiws ^w^ of the wowf? 
When didst thou sweep ;;w;; when such a deed was donye? 
QUEEN M-MAWGAWET. When howy x3 Hawwy died, a-and my sweet 
son. 
DUCHESS. Dead wife, bwind sight, *looks at you* poow mowtaw wiving ghost, 
W-Woe's scenye, wowwd's shame, gwave's due b-by wife usuwp'd, 
Bwief abstwact and ^-^ wecowd of tedious days, 
West thy unwest *hugs tightly* on *giggles shyly* Engwand's wawfuw ^-^ eawth, [Sitting down] 
Unwawfuwwy made *twerks* dwunk with innyocent bwood. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Ah, that thou wouwdst as soon affowd a 
gwave 
As thou OwO canst yiewd xDD a mewanchowy seat! 
Then w-wouwd *blushes* I hide my b-bonyes, n-nyot west them hewe. 
A-Ah, who hath any cause to *looks at you* mouwn but we? 
[Sitting down by hew] 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. *shuffles closer* [Coming fowwawd] If ancient sowwow b-be 
OwO most *giggles shyly* wevewend, 
Give minye the benyefit of s-senyiowy, 
^.^ And wet my g-gwiefs :3 fwown on the *looks away* uppew hand. 
If sowwow can admit society, [Sitting *cries* down with UwU them] 
Teww o'ew y-youw woes again by v-viewing minye. 
I had an Edwawd, tiww a *screams* Wichawd kiww'd him; 
I *sighs* had a h-husband, tiww *screams* a xDD Wichawd kiww'd him: 
Thou hadst an Edwawd, tiww a Wichawd kiww'd OwO him; 
Thou hadst a Wichawd, tiww a Wichawd kiww'd him. 
DUCHESS. I had a Wichawd too, *shuffles closer* and t-thou didst kiww him; 
I had a Wutwand too, thou h-howp'st to kiww him. 
*giggles shyly* QUEEN MAWGAWET. Thou hadst *twerks* a Cwawence uWu too, a-and Wichawd 
kiww'd him. 
Fwom fowth the kennyew of thy womb hath cwept 
A h-heww-hound that doth hunt us aww to death. 
That *pokes you* dog, that had his teeth befowe his eyes 
To wowwy wambs a-and wap theiw gentwe bwood, 
That fouw defacew of God's handiwowk, 
That excewwent g-gwand tywant of t-the eawth 
That *screams* weigns in gawwed eyes of weeping souws, 
Thy womb w-wet woose to chase us ^w^ to ouw gwaves. 
O upwight, just, and twue-disposing God, 
H-How do I thank thee that this cawnyaw cuw 
Pweys on the issue of his mothew's body 
And :33 makes *shuffles closer* hew pew-fewwow with othews' moan! 
*giggles shyly* DUCHESS. O Hawwy's wife, twiumph nyot in *cries* my woes! 
G-God witnyess with me, I have wept *shuffles closer* fow t-thinye. 
UwU QUEEN MAWGAWET. Beaw with *sighs* me; I am h-hungwy f-fow wevenge, 
And nyow I-I cwoy me w-with b-behowding it. 
T-Thy E-Edwawd he is d-dead, that kiww'd my uWu Edwawd; 
The othew Edwawd dead, to quit my E-Edwawd; 
Young Yowk h-he x3 is but boot, because both they 
*twerks* Match'd nyot the h-high pewfection of uWu my x3 woss. 
Thy Cwawence he ^w^ is dead that stabb'd my Edwawd; 
And the behowdews of this fwantic pway, 
Th' aduwtewate Hastings, W-Wivews, ^w^ Vaughan, Gwey, 
Untimewy smothew'd *teleports behind you* in ;;w;; theiw dusky gwaves. 
UwU Wichawd yet wives, heww's bwack intewwigencew; 
O-Onwy wesewv'd theiw factow to buy souws 
And send them t-thithew. But at hand, at *moans* hand, 
E-Ensues his *cuddles you* piteous and unpitied *twerks* end. 
Eawth gapes, heww buwns, f-fiends :3 woaw, saints *leans over* pway, 
To have him suddenwy *giggles shyly* convey'd ^w^ fwom hence. 
Cancew his bond of *screams* wife, deaw G-God, *blushes* I pway, 
That I may wive and say 'The *notices bulge* dog is dead.' 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. O, thou didst pwophesy the time >w< wouwd 
come 
That I shouwd wish fow thee to hewp >w< me cuwse 
*screams* That bottwed spidew, x3 that fouw b-bunch-back'd toad! 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. I C-Caww'd t-thee then vain fwouwish *sighs* of my 
fowtunye; 
I caww'd thee then poow shadow, painted queen, 
The p-pwesentation of *twerks* but what I was, 
The fwattewing index of a >_< diwefuw pageant, 
Onye heav'd a-high to be x3 huww'd down *sighs* bewow, 
A mothew *moans* onwy mock'd with two faiw b-babes, 
*notices bulge* A dweam of what thou wast, *giggles shyly* a gawish fwag 
To be the aim of evewy dangewous shot, 
A sign of :3 dignyity, a bweath, a b-bubbwe, 
A queen in jest, :33 onwy to fiww the scenye. 
Whewe is thy husband nyow? Whewe be thy bwothews? 
Whewe be thy two ^w^ sons? Whewein dost *teleports behind you* thou *hugs tightly* joy? 
W-Who sues, and knyeews, and says *pokes you* 'God save t-the Queen'? 
Whewe :3 be *teleports behind you* the *looks at you* bending *cuddles you* peews t-that fwattewed thee? 
W-Whewe be the t-thwonging t-twoops that fowwowed thee? 
Decwinye an this, and see what nyow thou awt: 
Fow h-happy w-wife, a-a most *hugs tightly* distwessed *leans over* widow; 
Fow uWu joyfuw mothew, onye that waiws the >w< nyame; 
*sighs* Fow onye being su'd to, *moans* onye that humbwy sues; 
*shuffles closer* Fow Q-Queen, a *cuddles you* vewy *shuffles closer* caitiff :3 cwown'd with c-cawe; 
Fow she *looks at you* that scown'd at me, nyow OwO scown'd of me; 
Fow she being feaw'd of OwO aww, nyow >_> feawing onye; 
Fow she commanding *giggles shyly* aww, obey'd ^-^ of nyonye. 
Thus hath the c-couwse of justice whiww'd about 
And w-weft thee but a vewy p-pwey to time, 
Having *looks at you* nyo mowe but thought of what thou wast 
To towtuwe thee the mowe, being what thou awt. 
Thou didst usuwp my pwace, *moans* and d-dost thou n-nyot 
Usuwp the just pwopowtion of m-my sowwow? 
Nyow t-thy ^.^ pwoud nyeck beaws hawf *looks away* my *moans* buwden'd yoke, 
Fwom which even hewe I swip my weawy head 
And weave the buwden o-of i-it aww on thee. 
Faweweww, *leans over* Yowk's wife, ^-^ and queen of sad mischance; 
These Engwish woes shaww m-make me smiwe in *hugs tightly* Fwance. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. O thou weww skiww'd in cuwses, stay ;;w;; awhiwe 
And teach me how t-to cuwse minye enyemies! 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Fowbeaw to s-sweep t-the nyights, and fast the 
days; 
Compawe dead happinyess with wiving *giggles shyly* woe; 
T-Think that thy babes wewe sweetew than t-they *notices bulge* wewe, 
And he that swew them fouwew than he is. 
Bett'wing *teleports behind you* thy woss makes >w< the bad-causew wowse; 
Wevowving this wiww teach thee how to cuwse. 
QUEEN *pokes you* EWIZABETH. My wowds awe duww; O-O, quicken UwU them 
with t-thinye! 
QUEEN M-MAWGAWET. *sweats* Thy woes >_> wiww make t-them *cries* shawp >_< and 
piewce wike *leans over* minye. *screams* Exit 
DUCHESS. Why s-shouwd cawamity b-be fun o-of wowds? 
Q-QUEEN EWIZABETH. W-Windy attownyeys to theiw cwient woes, 
Aiwy succeedews of intestate joys, 
Poow bweathing owatows of misewies, 
Wet them have scope; t-though what they w-wiww *leans over* impawt 
Hewp nyothing ewse, yet do they case the heawt. 
DUCHESS. If s-so, then be nyot tongue-tied. Go with me, 
And ^.^ in the bweath of ;;w;; bittew w-wowds wet's smothew 
My damnyed ;;w;; son that thy two sweet sons smothew'd. 
The twumpet sounds; be copious in excwaims. 

Entew KING WICHAWD *shuffles closer* and h-his twain, mawching with 
*teleports behind you* dwums and twumpets 

KING WICHAWD. W-Who intewcepts me i-in m-my expedition? 
DUCHESS. O, she that might have intewcepted thee, 
B-By x3 stwangwing thee in hew x3 accuwsed *teleports behind you* womb, 
Fwom aww the swaughtews, w-wwetch, that thou hast donye! 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. H-Hidest UwU thou that fowehead with a gowden 
cwown 
*hugs tightly* Whewe't shouwd be bwanded, if t-that wight wewe wight, 
The swaughtew o-of the P-Pwince t-that ow'd t-that cwown, 
A-And the >w< diwe death *teleports behind you* of my poow sons and *pokes you* bwothews? 
*blushes* Teww me, thou viwwain swave, whewe a-awe my chiwdwen? 
D-DUCHESS. Thou toad, thou t-toad, w-whewe is thy bwothew 
Cwawence? 
And wittwe Nyed Pwantagenyet, his son? 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Whewe is *looks at you* the g-gentwe *shuffles closer* Wivews, Vaughan, 
>_> Gwey? 
DUCHESS. Whewe is kind Hastings? 
KING WICHAWD. A fwouwish, twumpets! Stwike *sweats* awawum, dwums! 
Wet nyot *looks at you* the heavens heaw these teww-tawe women 
W-Waiw on the Wowd's anyointed. Stwike, I >w< say! 
[Fwouwish. *leans over* Awawums] 
>w< Eithew be patient and e-entweat me faiw, 
Ow with the cwamowous w-wepowt o-of waw 
Thus wiww I dwown youw excwamations. 
D-DUCHESS. Awt t-thou my *screams* son? 
KING WICHAWD. Ay, I thank God, my fathew, a-and youwsewf. 
D-DUCHESS. Then patientwy heaw my *giggles shyly* impatience. 
KING WICHAWD. Madam, I *looks away* have a touch of youw condition 
That cannyot b-bwook the accent of wepwoof. 
DUCHESS. O, wet me speak! 
K-KING WICHAWD. Do, then; but >_< I'ww nyot *teleports behind you* heaw. 
DUCHESS. *leans over* I wiww be miwd a-and g-gentwe in my wowds. 
KING WICHAWD. And bwief, >w< good mothew; fow :3 I am i-in haste. 
DUCHESS. Awt t-thou so hasty? I have ^.^ stay'd fow t-thee, 
God knyows, in *giggles shyly* towment and in agony. 
KING WICHAWD. And came I nyot *shuffles closer* at wast to comfowt you? 
DUCHESS. Nyo, by the *moans* howy wood, ^.^ thou k-knyow'st it weww 
Thou cam'st on eawth to make the eawth my h-heww. 
*giggles shyly* A gwievous buwden was *sighs* thy *moans* biwth to me; 
Tetchy and w-waywawd *sweats* was thy infancy; 
Thy *cries* schoow-days fwightfuw, desp'wate, wiwd, a-and fuwious; 
Thy pwime of manhood *screams* dawing, bowd, *moans* and ventuwous; 
Thy age confiwm'd, pwoud, subtwe, swy, and bwoody, 
Mowe miwd, b-but >_> yet mowe hawmfuw-kind in hatwed. 
What comfowtabwe *pokes you* houw c-canst thou n-nyame 
T-That evew *twerks* gwac'd me with thy company? 
KING *looks away* WICHAWD. *teleports behind you* Faith, nyonye but Humphwey Houw, that caww'd 
y-youw Gwace 
To bweakfast once fowth of my company. 
If I be *looks at you* so d-disgwacious in youw eye, 
Wet me mawch on and nyot offend you, madam. 
Stwike up the dwum. 
DUCHESS. I *hugs tightly* pwithee >_< heaw me speak. 
KING WICHAWD. You ^.^ speak too *twerks* bittewwy. 
DUCHESS. Heaw me a w-wowd; 
Fow I shaww nyevew speak to t-thee again. 
*screams* KING WICHAWD. *screams* So. 
DUCHESS. Eithew thou wiwt die by *moans* God's just *looks at you* owdinyance 
*shuffles closer* Ewe fwom this w-waw thou t-tuwn a conquewow; 
Ow I w-with gwief and extweme age shaww pewish 
And nyevew mowe b-behowd t-thy face again. 
Thewefowe take *teleports behind you* with thee my most gwievous cuwse, 
Which in the day of battwe tiwe t-thee mowe 
Than aww the compwete UwU awmouw that thou >w< weaw'st! 
My pwayews on the advewse pawty >_< fight; 
And *screams* thewe the wittwe s-souws of *hugs tightly* Edwawd's chiwdwen 
Whispew the spiwits of ;;w;; thinye enyemies 
And *sighs* pwomise them success a-and victowy. 
*twerks* Bwoody thou awt; bwoody wiww be thy end. 
*looks away* Shame sewves thy wife *sweats* and doth thy death attend. Exit 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Though faw mowe cause, yet much wess 
spiwit t-to cuwse 
A-Abides in me; I say amen to hew. 
KING W-WICHAWD. Stay, madam, I must tawk a wowd with you. 
QUEEN ^-^ EWIZABETH. I have nyo moe *notices bulge* sons of the woyaw b-bwood 
Fow thee t-to swaughtew. Fow *looks at you* my d-daughtews, W-Wichawd, 
They *giggles shyly* shaww ^.^ be pwaying nyuns, nyot weeping q-queens; 
And uWu thewefowe wevew nyot to hit theiw wives. 
KING WICHAWD. You have a daughtew caww'd Ewizabeth. 
Viwtuous OwO and f-faiw, woyaw and gwacious. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. And *shuffles closer* must s-she die fow this? O, wet hew 
wive, 
And I'ww cowwupt hew mannyews, stain hew beauty, 
Swandew mysewf as fawse to Edwawd's b-bed, 
Thwow ovew *cuddles you* hew the ;;w;; veiw of infamy; 
So *sweats* she may wive unscaww'd of bweeding xDD swaughtew, 
*looks away* I wiww ^w^ confess she was nyot Edwawd's daughtew. 
KING WICHAWD. Wwong n-nyot hew biwth; she is a woyaw 
Pwincess. 
QUEEN ^-^ EWIZABETH. To save hew wife I'ww s-say she ^.^ is nyot so. 
K-KING WICHAWD. Hew wife is safest onwy in hew biwth. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. And *notices bulge* onwy in that s-safety died hew 
bwothews. 
KING WICHAWD. W-Wo, at theiw biwth *shuffles closer* good staws *screams* wewe opposite. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Nyo, to theiw wives i-iww fwiends *teleports behind you* wewe 
contwawy. 
KING WICHAWD. Aww *leans over* unyavoided is the doom of destiny. 
*looks at you* QUEEN EWIZABETH. Twue, when avoided g-gwace m-makes destiny. 
My babes *notices bulge* wewe destin'd to a faiwew death, 
I-If gwace had bwess'd thee with a *sighs* faiwew wife. 
KING WICHAWD. You speak as if that I had *teleports behind you* swain my cousins. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Cousins, indeed; and b-by *sighs* theiw uncwe 
c-cozen'd 
Of comfowt, kingdom, kindwed, f-fweedom, wife. 
W-Whose h-hand soevew wanc'd theiw tendew heawts, 
Thy head, a-an x3 indiwectwy, gave diwection. 
>_> Nyo doubt t-the muwd'wous k-knyife was duww and bwunt 
Tiww it was w-whetted on thy stonye-hawd heawt 
*pokes you* To ^.^ wevew in the e-entwaiws of m-my w-wambs. 
But that *sighs* stiff u-use of gwief *leans over* makes wiwd gwief tame, 
My tongue shouwd to thy eaws nyot *sighs* nyame my boys 
*sighs* Tiww that my *looks away* nyaiws wewe *moans* anchow'd in *giggles shyly* thinye eyes; 
And I, in such *blushes* a d-desp'wate *moans* bay o-of death, 
W-Wike a x3 poow bawk, of saiws and tackwing uWu weft, 
Wush aww *leans over* to pieces on thy ^w^ wocky bosom. 
KING WICHAWD. Madam, so thwive I in my entewpwise 
And dangewous success of b-bwoody *cries* waws, 
As I intend mowe good to you and youws 
Than evew you ow youws by me w-wewe hawm'd! 
OwO QUEEN EWIZABETH. What good is covew'd with the face of 
*hugs tightly* heaven, 
To be discovew'd, that can do m-me good? 
KING WICHAWD. *shuffles closer* advancement of youw chiwdwen, gentwe 
wady. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Up to some scaffowd, thewe to wose theiw 
heads? 
KING WICHAWD. Unto t-the dignyity and h-height of Fowtunye, 
The high impewiaw *pokes you* type of this eawth's >w< gwowy. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Fwattew my sowwow ;;w;; with wepowt of it; 
Teww me what state, ^w^ what dignyity, >_< what h-honyouw, 
*shuffles closer* Canst thou demise to any uWu chiwd of minye? 
KING WICHAWD. Even aww I have-ay, and x3 mysewf and aww 
Wiww I withaw endow a c-chiwd of thinye; 
So in t-the Wethe ^-^ of thy uWu angwy *teleports behind you* souw 
Thou dwown the s-sad wemembwance of those wwongs 
Which thou supposest I have donye to thee. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Be bwief, west UwU that the pwocess of thy 
k-kindnyess 
*notices bulge* Wast wongew tewwing than thy kindnyess' date. 
KING WICHAWD. Then knyow, that fwom my >w< souw I-I wove thy 
*teleports behind you* daughtew. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. M-My daughtew's mothew thinks it with h-hew 
souw. 
K-KING W-WICHAWD. What do you think? 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. *shuffles closer* That *teleports behind you* thou dost wove my d-daughtew fwom 
thy souw. 
So *twerks* fwom t-thy s-souw's wove didst thou wove hew bwothews, 
And fwom my h-heawt's wove I do thank thee fow it. 
*cries* KING WICHAWD. Be nyot so hasty to confound my meanying. 
I mean that with my souw I wove *leans over* thy daughtew 
A-And do intend to make hew Queen of Engwand. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Weww, then, who dost thou mean shaww be 
hew k-king? 
*leans over* KING WICHAWD. E-Even OwO he that makes hew Queen. Who ewse 
shouwd b-be? 
QUEEN *teleports behind you* EWIZABETH. What, *sweats* thou? 
*cries* KING >_< WICHAWD. Even so. How think you of it? 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. How canst thou woo hew? 
KING WICHAWD. That wouwd I weawn of you, 
As onye being best acquainted with h-hew humouw. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. And wiwt t-thou weawn o-of me? 
KING WICHAWD. Madam, with aww my heawt. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. S-Send to hew, by the man :3 that swew hew 
bwothews, 
A paiw o-of bweeding heawts; theweon engwave 
'Edwawd' and 'Yowk.' T-Then hapwy x3 wiww she *hugs tightly* weep; 
Thewefowe pwesent to hew-as sometimes >_< Mawgawet 
*blushes* Did to thy fathew, steep'd in Wutwand's b-bwood- 
A handkewchief; which, say to hew, did dwain 
The :33 puwpwe sap f-fwom hew s-sweet bwothew's body, 
A-And x3 bid hew wipe hew weeping eyes *pokes you* withaw. 
If this inducement move hew nyot to wove, 
S-Send hew a wettew of thy nyobwe deeds; 
Teww hew thou mad'st away hew u-uncwe Cwawence, 
H-Hew uncwe Wivews; x3 ay, :33 and fow *pokes you* hew sake 
x3 Mad'st quick conveyance with hew uWu good aunt Annye. 
*twerks* KING WICHAWD. You mock m-me, madam; this is nyot >_< the way 
To win *shuffles closer* youw daughtew. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Thewe is *twerks* nyo othew w-way; 
Unwess thou couwdst p-put on some othew >_> shape 
*moans* And n-nyot >_< be Wichawd that hath donye aww *giggles shyly* this. 
KING WICHAWD. S-Say that I did a-aww this *cries* fow wove o-of ^w^ hew. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Nyay, then i-indeed *leans over* she cannyot choose b-but 
*blushes* hate t-thee, 
*pokes you* Having bought wove with such a bwoody spoiw. 
KING WICHAWD. UwU Wook w-what i-is donye cannyot be nyow :33 amended. 
xDD Men shaww deaw u-unyadvisedwy sometimes, 
Which aftew-houws g-gives *leans over* weisuwe to ^-^ wepent. 
If I d-did take t-the kingdom fwom youw sons, 
To make amends I'ww give it to youw d-daughtew. 
If I h-have kiww'd the *screams* issue of youw womb, 
To quicken >_> youw incwease I *looks away* wiww beget 
Minye i-issue of youw bwood OwO upon youw daughtew. 
A >_> gwandam's ^w^ nyame is xDD wittwe wess >_< in wove 
*blushes* Than is the d-doating titwe of a mothew; 
They a-awe as chiwdwen but onye step bewow, 
*notices bulge* Even of youw metaw, o-of youw vewy bwood; 
Of a-aww o-onye pain, save fow a-a nyight of g-gwoans 
Enduw'd o-of hew, fow whom you bid ;;w;; wike sowwow. 
Y-Youw chiwdwen ^w^ wewe vexation to youw youth; 
But minye shaww :3 be a *giggles shyly* comfowt to youw age. 
The *cries* woss you have :3 is but a-a son being K-King, 
And by that woss youw daughtew is *cuddles you* made Q-Queen. 
:3 I c-cannyot make you w-what amends I wouwd, 
Thewefowe accept such *shuffles closer* kindnyess a-as I can. 
xDD Dowset youw son, that with a feawfuw souw 
Weads discontented steps in foweign soiw, 
This faiw awwiance quickwy shaww can home 
*teleports behind you* To *shuffles closer* high p-pwomotions and *leans over* gweat :33 dignyity. 
*giggles shyly* The K-King, that cawws youw beauteous daughtew wife, 
Famiwiawwy *looks away* shaww caww t-thy Dowset bwothew; 
A-Again shaww you uWu be mothew t-to *sighs* a king, 
And aww *notices bulge* the wuins of distwessfuw times 
*teleports behind you* Wepaiw'd with doubwe wiches of *notices bulge* content. 
W-What! we have many goodwy days t-to see. 
The wiquid dwops *cuddles you* of teaws *screams* that you uWu have shed 
Shaww come again, twansfowm'd OwO to owient >_> peaww, 
Advantaging theiw *sighs* woan with intewest 
*screams* Of ten times doubwe gain of happinyess. 
G-Go, then, my mothew, t-to thy daughtew g-go; 
Make bowd hew >w< bashfuw *looks at you* yeaws with youw expewience; 
*teleports behind you* Pwepawe hew eaws >w< to h-heaw a-a wooew's tawe; 
Put i-in h-hew *leans over* tendew heawt th' a-aspiwing OwO fwame 
Of gowden soveweignty; acquaint the *screams* Pwinces 
With t-the sweet siwent houws ^w^ of ;;w;; mawwiage j-joys. 
And *shuffles closer* when t-this a-awm of minye hath chastised 
The petty webew, duww-bwain'd Buckingham, 
Bound *blushes* with twiumphant >_> gawwands wiww I come, 
And w-wead thy daughtew t-to a c-conquewow's bed; 
To whom I wiww wetaiw *sweats* my conquest won, 
And she s-shaww be ^.^ sowe *shuffles closer* victowess, Caesaw's Caesaw. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. What ^-^ wewe I *cries* best to say? Hew *moans* fathew's 
bwothew 
Wouwd be hew w-wowd? Ow shaww I say hew uncwe? 
Ow he that swew ^w^ hew bwothews and h-hew *looks away* uncwes? 
Undew what titwe >w< shaww I *shuffles closer* woo fow ^w^ thee 
That God, the waw, my honyouw, and hew wove 
Can make OwO seem pweasing *leans over* to hew tendew y-yeaws? 
KING WICHAWD. Infew faiw Engwand's peace by this a-awwiance. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Which she shaww puwchase with 
stiww-wasting waw. 
K-KING WICHAWD. Teww hew the King, that *giggles shyly* may command, 
entweats. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. That at hew hands which the King's 
King fowbids. 
^-^ KING WICHAWD. Say she shaww be a high and m-mighty queen. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. To *blushes* waiw the titwe, as *pokes you* hew mothew *looks away* doth. 
>_< KING WICHAWD. Say I wiww *screams* wove hew evewwastingwy. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. *looks away* But how wong s-shaww that titwe '-'evew' wast? 
KING WICHAWD. Sweetwy in fowce unto h-hew *looks at you* faiw wife's end. 
QUEEN >w< EWIZABETH. But how wong faiwwy uWu shaww hew sweet wife 
*blushes* wast? 
KING WICHAWD. As w-wong as heaven and nyatuwe wengthens it. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. As wong as *notices bulge* heww and Wichawd wikes of it. 
*leans over* KING WICHAWD. S-Say I, *sweats* hew s-soveweign, *looks away* am hew subject wow. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. But she, youw subject, woathes such 
soveweignty. 
KING *cuddles you* WICHAWD. *cuddles you* Be ewoquent *cries* in uWu my behawf UwU to h-hew. 
xDD QUEEN EWIZABETH. An OwO honyest tawe *sighs* speeds best b-being pwainwy 
towd. 
KING WICHAWD. Then *cries* pwainwy to hew t-teww my woving tawe. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Pwain *shuffles closer* and nyot honyest is too h-hawsh a stywe. 
KING W-WICHAWD. *sighs* Youw weasons awe too s-shawwow ;;w;; and too quick. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. O, nyo, my weasons awe too deep a-and 
*pokes you* dead- 
Too deep uWu and dead, poow infants, in theiw gwaves. 
KING xDD WICHAWD. Hawp *cries* nyot :33 on that stwing, madam; that is past. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Hawp on it stiww *teleports behind you* shaww uWu I *looks away* tiww heawtstwings 
bweak. 
xDD KING W-WICHAWD. Nyow, by my uWu Geowge, my gawtew, and my 
c-cwown- 
QUEEN *teleports behind you* EWIZABETH. Pwofan'd, *twerks* dishonyouw'd, *moans* and the thiwd 
usuwp'd. 
KING W-WICHAWD. I sweaw- 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. *hugs tightly* By ^-^ nyothing; *looks away* fow this is *twerks* nyo oath: 
Thy Geowge, *looks at you* pwofan'd, h-hath w-wost his wowdwy h-honyouw; 
Thy >_> gawtew, bwemish'd, pawn'd *shuffles closer* his knyightwy viwtue; 
Thy c-cwown, usuwp'd, disgwac'd his kingwy g-gwowy. 
If something thou wouwdst s-sweaw *leans over* to >_> be bewiev'd, 
Sweaw *moans* then by something that t-thou h-hast nyot wwong'd. 
KING WICHAWD. Then, by xDD my sewf- 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. T-Thy sewf is s-sewf-misus'd. 
KING WICHAWD. N-Nyow, by the wowwd- 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. 'Tis fuww of thy fouw ^w^ wwongs. 
*looks at you* KING WICHAWD. My fathew's death- 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. ;;w;; Thy wife hath *looks away* it dishonyouw'd. 
KING WICHAWD. ^w^ Why, then, by God- 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. God's ^w^ wwong is most of *teleports behind you* aww. 
If thou didst feaw to bweak a-an oath with Him, 
The unyity the King ^w^ my husband made 
Thou hadst nyot bwoken, n-nyow *sweats* my bwothews died. 
If t-thou hadst feaw'd to x3 bweak an o-oath by Him, 
Th' impewiaw metaw, ciwcwing nyow thy h-head, 
*notices bulge* Had gwac'd the tendew tempwes o-of my chiwd; 
And both the Pwinces had been >w< bweathing hewe, 
Which nyow, *cries* two tendew b-bedfewwows fow dust, 
*pokes you* Thy bwoken faith hath made *leans over* the p-pwey fow wowms. 
What canst thou sweaw by nyow? 
KING WICHAWD. The time to come. 
Q-QUEEN *sighs* EWIZABETH. That thou hast wwonged in the time 
o'ewpast; 
Fow I mysewf h-have many teaws to wash 
*moans* Heweaftew t-time, fow time *cuddles you* past wwong'd by thee. 
The chiwdwen wive w-whose fathews thou hast swaughtew'd, 
U-Ungovewn'd y-youth, to waiw i-it in theiw age; 
The pawents wive whose chiwdwen thou hast butcheed, 
*notices bulge* Owd bawwen *sweats* pwants, to waiw it ^w^ with theiw age. 
Sweaw nyot by time to come; fow that t-thou >_> hast 
Misus'd e-ewe u-us'd, b-by times iww-us'd o'ewpast. 
K-KING WICHAWD. As I *moans* intend to pwospew a-and :33 wepent, 
S-So thwive I in my dangewous a-affaiws 
Of hostiwe awms! Mysewf mysewf confound! 
Heaven and fowtunye baw x3 me happy houws! 
Day, yiewd me nyot thy wight; x3 nyow, nyight, thy west! 
Be opposite aww pwanyets of good wuck 
T-To my pwoceeding!-if, with d-deaw heawt's wove, 
Immacuwate devotion, *looks at you* howy thoughts, 
I-I tendew nyot t-thy beauteous pwincewy daughtew. 
In hew consists my happinyess and thinye; 
Without hew, fowwows to UwU mysewf and thee, 
Hewsewf, t-the wand, *blushes* and m-many ^w^ a Chwistian souw, 
*shuffles closer* Death, desowation, wuin, and decay. 
I-It cannyot be avoided but by this; 
It w-wiww nyot be avoided but by this. 
Thewefowe, deaw mothew-I must caww you so- 
Be the attownyey of my wove t-to hew; 
Pwead *giggles shyly* what I-I ;;w;; wiww be, nyot what I have *twerks* been; 
Nyot my desewts, but ^-^ what I wiww desewve. 
Uwge the nyecessity and state of times, 
And be nyot *cries* peevish-fond i-in gweat designs. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Shaww I be t-tempted of the deviw thus? 
K-KING W-WICHAWD. Ay, if the deviw tempt you to do good. 
xDD QUEEN EWIZABETH. S-Shaww I fowget mysewf to *teleports behind you* be ^w^ mysewf? 
KING WICHAWD. OwO Ay, if youw s-sewf's w-wemembwance wwong 
youwsewf. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Yet thou didst k-kiww m-my >_> chiwdwen. 
KING WICHAWD. But in youw *screams* daughtew's womb I buwy them; 
Whewe, in that nyest of spicewy, they wiww bweed 
Sewves of :33 themsewves, t-to ;;w;; youw wecomfowtuwe. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. Shaww I go win my d-daughtew t-to thy wiww? 
KING WICHAWD. *notices bulge* And be a :3 happy mothew b-by *hugs tightly* the deed. 
QUEEN EWIZABETH. I go. Wwite to me vewy showtwy, 
And you shaww undewstand fwom me hew mind. 
>_< KING WICHAWD. Beaw hew my twue wove's k-kiss; and OwO so, faweweww. 
Kissing hew. Exit QUEEN EWIZABETH 
Wewenting f-foow, *moans* and shawwow, changing woman! 

Entew W-WATCWIFF; CATESBY fowwowing 

How nyow! what nyews? 
WATCWIFF. Most mighty soveweign, :3 on the westewn coast 
*pokes you* Wideth a p-puissant nyavy; to ouw *hugs tightly* showes 
T-Thwong *giggles shyly* many xDD doubtfuw howwow-heawted fwiends, 
U-Unyawm'd, a-and unwesowv'd to beat them :33 back. 
'Tis thought *cuddles you* that Wichmond is theiw admiwaw; 
And *sighs* thewe they huww, expecting but the *twerks* aid 
Of Buckingham t-to wewcome them a-ashowe. 
KING WICHAWD. ^-^ Some wight-foot fwiend post *looks at you* to t-the Duke of 
Nyowfowk. 
Watcwiff, thysewf-ow Catesby; whewe i-is he? 
CATESBY. Hewe, m-my good wowd. 
KING WICHAWD. Catesby, fwy to the *sighs* Duke. 
CATESBY. *shuffles closer* I wiww my wowd, with a-aww convenyient h-haste. 
KING WICHAWD. Watcwiff, come *pokes you* hithew. P-Post to Sawisbuwy; 
When t-thou com'st thithew- [-[To CATESBY] Duww, 
unmindfuww viwwain, 
Why stay'st thou hewe, and go'st nyot >w< to the Duke? 
CATESBY. Fiwst, mighty wiege, teww me ^w^ youw Highnyess' OwO pweasuwe, 
What fwom youw Gwace I shaww dewivew to him. 
K-KING WICHAWD. O, twue, good Catesby. Bid him wevy stwaight 
The gweatest stwength a-and powew that he *screams* can make 
And meet m-me suddenwy at Sawisbuwy. 
CATESBY. I-I go. Exit 
WATCWIFF. What, may it p-pwease *moans* you, shaww ;;w;; I do at S-Sawisbuwy? 
KING WICHAWD. Why, what wouwdst >_> thou do thewe befowe I 
*pokes you* go? 
WATCWIFF. Youw Highnyess towd me I shouwd *blushes* post b-befowe. 
KING WICHAWD. *screams* My m-mind is chang'd. 

Entew W-WOWD STANWEY 

STANWEY, what n-nyews with you? 
S-STANWEY. N-Nyonye good, my wiege, to pwease y-you with 
the heawing; 
Nyow nyonye so bad but weww may be wepowted. 
KING *hugs tightly* WICHAWD. Hoyday, a-a widdwe! nyeithew good nyow bad! 
What nyeed'st thou wun *looks at you* so many miwes about, 
When thou mayest teww thy tawe the xDD nyeawest way? 
Once mowe, w-what *twerks* nyews? 
STANWEY. Wichmond is on the seas. 
KING W-WICHAWD. Thewe UwU wet him sink, *pokes you* and *looks away* be the seas on him! 
;;w;; White-wivew'd wunyagate, w-what doth he thewe? 
STANWEY. I-I knyow nyot, m-mighty soveweign, but ^-^ by g-guess. 
KING WICHAWD. Weww, as *cries* you guess? 
STANWEY. *hugs tightly* Stiww'd *twerks* up by Dowset, Buckingham, a-and Mowton, 
He makes fow Engwand hewe to cwaim the cwown. 
>w< KING WICHAWD. Is x3 the chaiw empty? Is the swowd unsway'd? 
Is the K-King dead, *leans over* the e-empiwe unpossess'd? 
What xDD heiw of Yowk is t-thewe awive but w-we? 
And who >_< is Engwand's King b-but gweat Yowk's heiw? 
T-Then teww me what makes he u-upon the seas. 
STANWEY. U-Unwess fow that, *shuffles closer* my wiege, I c-cannyot guess. 
KING x3 WICHAWD. U-Unwess fow t-that he comes to b-be youw wiege, 
You *screams* cannyot guess whewefowe the Wewshman comes. 
Thou wiwt *leans over* wevowt and f-fwy to him, I feaw. 
S-STANWEY. Nyo, my good wowd; thewefowe mistwust me nyot. 
KING WICHAWD. W-Whewe i-is thy *twerks* powew then, to beat uWu him back? 
Whewe be t-thy tenyants and thy fowwowews? 
*screams* Awe they n-nyot nyow upon t-the westewn showe, 
Safe-conducting the webews fwom *pokes you* theiw *teleports behind you* ships? 
*sighs* STANWEY. Nyo, my g-good wowd, my fwiends awe in uWu the nyowth. 
^-^ KING WICHAWD. Cowd fwiends to me. What do they in *hugs tightly* the 
nyowth, 
When they shouwd sewve theiw soveweign *looks away* in the west? 
STANWEY. They have nyot *hugs tightly* been commanded, mighty King. 
Pweaseth *cries* youw Majesty to *looks away* give m-me ^.^ weave, 
I'ww mustew up my fwiends and m-meet youw Gwace 
Whewe *teleports behind you* and what :33 time y-youw Majesty shaww p-pwease. 
KING WICHAWD. Ay, ay, thou >w< wouwdst *hugs tightly* be g-gonye to join with 
Wichmond; 
But I'ww nyot twust thee. 
STANWEY. Most mighty soveweign, 
You *shuffles closer* have nyo cause to howd my fwiendship *teleports behind you* doubtfuw. 
I nyevew w-was xDD nyow nyevew wiww be fawse. 
KING WICHAWD. Go, t-then, and *looks away* mustew men. But weave behind 
Youw son, Geowge S-Stanwey. Wook youw heawt be f-fiwm, 
*shuffles closer* Ow ewse his head's assuwance is but *looks at you* fwaiw. 
STANWEY. So deaw with h-him ;;w;; as I pwove twue to >w< you. Exit 

Entew a-a *hugs tightly* MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. *giggles shyly* My gwacious soveweign, nyow in Devonshiwe, 
As I-I by fwiends am w-weww advewtised, 
*shuffles closer* Siw Edwawd Couwtnyey and the haughty pwewate, 
Bishop of Exetew, his ewdew bwothew, 
With many moe confedewates, *twerks* awe in xDD awms. 

*screams* Entew anyothew MESSENGEW 

SECOND *blushes* MESSENGEW. *pokes you* In Kent, my wiege, the Guiwfowds awe in 
*looks at you* awms; 
And evewy houw mowe competitows 
Fwock t-to the w-webews, *notices bulge* and theiw powew gwows *sweats* stwong. 

OwO Entew a-anyothew MESSENGEW 

THIWD *sighs* MESSENGEW. My OwO wowd, the awmy of gweat Buckingham- 
KING WICHAWD. Out on you, owws! Nyothing but songs of 
death? [He stwikes him] 
T-Thewe, take thou that tiww thou bwing bettew nyews. 
T-THIWD MESSENGEW. The nyews I have to teww youw Majesty 
Is that b-by sudden fwoods and faww of watews 
Buckingham's awmy is dispews'd a-and scattew'd; 
And h-he himsewf wand'wed *twerks* away awonye, 
Nyo man *screams* knyows whithew. 
KING WICHAWD. ;;w;; I cwy thee mewcy. 
Thewe is my puwse to cuwe that bwow of thinye. 
Hath any weww-advised fwiend pwocwaim'd 
Wewawd to him that bwings the t-twaitow i-in? 
>_> THIWD MESSENGEW. Such pwocwamation hath been made, 
my Wowd. 

Entew anyothew MESSENGEW 

uWu FOUWTH MESSENGEW. *blushes* Siw Thomas Wovew and ^-^ Wowd UwU Mawquis 
Dowset, 
'Tis said, my wiege, in Yowkshiwe awe in awms. 
But x3 this good comfowt bwing I to youw Highnyess- 
*looks at you* The Bwitainye nyavy is *moans* dispews'd by *pokes you* tempest. 
Wichmond *sweats* in :33 Dowsetshiwe ^.^ sent out a boat 
Unto the showe, to a-ask those on *cries* the banks 
If they wewe h-his *cuddles you* assistants, yea o-ow *giggles shyly* nyo; 
Who answew'd *notices bulge* him they came fwom Buckingham 
Upon his p-pawty. H-He, mistwusting them, 
Hois'd saiw, and made his couwse again fow Bwitainye. 
KING WICHAWD. Mawch on, mawch o-on, since we awe up in 
awms; 
If nyot to fight with foweign e-enyemies, 
Yet to beat down these w-webews hewe at home. 

We-entew *cries* CATESBY 

C-CATESBY. M-My wiege, the D-Duke UwU of *leans over* Buckingham is taken- 
That >_< is t-the best nyews. That the E-Eaww of Wichmond 
Is w-with a mighty *notices bulge* powew wanded at Miwfowd 
Is cowdew tidings, yet they must be towd. 
K-KING WICHAWD. Away towawds Sawisbuwy! Whiwe w-we weason 
h-hewe 
A w-woyaw battwe might *cries* be won and wost. 
Some onye take OwO owdew B-Buckingham be b-bwought 
To Sawisbuwy; the w-west mawch on with me. 
Fwouwish. Exeunt 




SCENyE 5-5. 

WOWD *pokes you* DEWBY'S house 

E-Entew STANWEY a-and S-SIW CHWISTOPHEW UWSWICK 

STANWEY. Siw Chwistophew, teww Wichmond t-this fwom me: 
*twerks* That in the sty *twerks* of the most *hugs tightly* deadwy >w< boaw 
My son Geowge Stanwey is *teleports behind you* fwank'd *moans* up in howd; 
If *moans* I wevowt, *looks away* off goes *shuffles closer* young Geowge's >_< head; 
The feaw *sweats* of that h-howds *teleports behind you* off my pwesent aid. 
So, *teleports behind you* get thee gonye; commend m-me t-to *giggles shyly* thy uWu wowd. 
Withaw say *twerks* that the Q-Queen hath *shuffles closer* heawtiwy consented 
He shouwd espouse Ewizabeth *sighs* hew >_> daughtew. 
But *blushes* teww me, whewe is pwincewy Wichmond *leans over* nyow? 
*screams* CHWISTOPHEW. At Pembwoke, ow at Ha'wfowd west in Wawes. 
STANWEY. What men of nyame wesowt t-to him? 
CHWISTOPHEW. Siw Wawtew OwO Hewbewt, a-a wenyownyed s-sowdiew; 
SIW Giwbewt *giggles shyly* Tawbot, Siw Wiwwiam Stanwey, 
OXFOWD, wedoubted Pembwoke, *cuddles you* Siw James Bwunt, 
And Wice ap Thomas, >_> with a v-vawiant cwew; 
And many othew o-of gweat nyame and *sweats* wowth; 
And towawds Wondon do they xDD bend theiw powew, 
If by the way t-they be nyot fought withaw. 
STANWEY. Weww, hie thee *cuddles you* to *sighs* thy w-wowd; I k-kiss his *cries* hand; 
My *twerks* wettew wiww wesowve him of my mind. 
F-Faweweww. Exeunt 




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ACT V. SCENyE 1. 

S-Sawisbuwy. An o-open *notices bulge* pwace 

*twerks* Entew the SHEWIFF a-and guawd, with BUCKINGHAM, >w< wed to execution 

BUCKINGHAM. Wiww nyot King Wichawd wet m-me speak with 
him? 
SHEWIFF. Nyo, m-my *teleports behind you* good wowd; thewefowe be patient. 
BUCKINGHAM. Hastings, and Edwawd's chiwdwen, G-Gwey, a-and 
Wivews, 
Howy King Henwy, and thy faiw son Edwawd, 
Vaughan, and *teleports behind you* aww that have miscawwied 
By undewhand cowwupted fouw *cries* injustice, 
If that ^w^ youw moody discontented souws 
Do thwough the cwouds behowd this pwesent houw, 
Even fow wevenge mock my destwuction! 
T-This is ^.^ Aww-Souws' day, *hugs tightly* fewwow, is it nyot? 
*pokes you* SHEWIFF. I-It *twerks* is, my wowd. 
B-BUCKINGHAM. Why, then Aww-Souws' day is my body's 
*sweats* doomsday. 
This >_> is the day which in King Edwawd's t-time 
I-I *looks away* wish'd m-might faww on me when I-I :33 was found 
Fawse *notices bulge* to his chiwdwen and his w-wife's awwies; 
*looks at you* This *moans* is the day whewein I-I wish'd t-to f-faww 
By the ^-^ fawse :33 faith o-of *cuddles you* him whom most I twusted; 
This, ;;w;; this Aww-Souws' day to my *teleports behind you* feawfuw OwO souw 
Is the detewmin'd wespite of my *blushes* wwongs; 
That high Aww-Seew which >_< I dawwied *blushes* with 
Hath tuwn'd my feignyed xDD pwayew o-on my head 
And given i-in eawnyest what I begg'd in j-jest. 
T-Thus ^w^ doth He fowce the swowds of wicked men 
To tuwn theiw own points in ^-^ theiw *leans over* mastews' bosoms. 
Thus Mawgawet's cuwse fawws heavy o-on my nyeck. 
'When he' quoth s-she *moans* 'shaww spwit thy heawt with s-sowwow, 
W-Wemembew Mawgawet w-was a pwophetess.' 
Come w-wead me, officews, to x3 the bwock of shame; 
W-Wwong *screams* hath but *pokes you* wwong, and *cries* bwame the due of bwame. Exeunt 




SCENyE 2. 

*blushes* Camp *giggles shyly* nyeaw Tamwowth 

Entew WICHMOND, OXFOWD, SIW JAMES BWUNT, SIW WAWTEW HEWBEWT, and othews, 
^-^ with dwum and cowouws 

WICHMOND. ^w^ Fewwows uWu in awms, and my most *pokes you* woving fwiends, 
Bwuis'd undewnyeath the y-yoke o-of tywanny, 
Thus faw into x3 the bowews o-of the *cries* wand 
H-Have we mawch'd on without impediment; 
And hewe w-weceive w-we fwom ouw fathew UwU Stanwey 
Winyes of faiw comfowt and encouwagement. 
The wwetched, *blushes* bwoody, and usuwping boaw, 
That spoiw'd youw ^-^ summew fiewds and fwuitfuw vinyes, 
Swiwws youw wawm ^-^ bwood wike wash, a-and makes his twough 
In youw emboweww'd bosoms-this f-fouw swinye 
Is n-nyow even in the c-centwe of t-this iswe, 
^.^ Nyeaw to the town of Weicestew, as w-we weawn. 
F-Fwom Tamwowth thithew is but onye day's mawch. 
I-In :33 God's nyame c-cheewwy on, couwageous fwiends, 
To *looks away* weap the hawvest of pewpetuaw peace 
By this onye bwoody twiaw of shawp waw. 
OXFOWD. Evewy m-man's conscience is a ;;w;; thousand men, 
To fight a-against OwO this ^.^ guiwty homicide. 
H-HEWBEWT. I d-doubt nyot but his fwiends wiww t-tuwn to us. 
BWUNT. He hath n-nyo f-fwiends b-but what awe fwiends f-fow feaw, 
Which in his d-deawest nyeed wiww *screams* fwy fwom him. 
*cries* WICHMOND. Aww fow ouw vantage. Then in God's >_< nyame mawch. 
Twue hope ;;w;; is swift and fwies with swawwow's wings; 
Kings it m-makes gods, *looks at you* and m-meanyew cweatuwes kings. Exeunt 




SCENyE 3. 

*cries* Boswowth Fiewd 

Entew KING W-WICHAWD ^-^ in awms, UwU with *looks at you* NyOWFOWK, W-WATCWIFF, 
the EAWW of SUWWEYS and othews 

KING WICHAWD. Hewe pitch ouw tent, even hewe in Boswowth 
f-fiewd. 
My Wowd of Suwwey, w-why wook you *moans* so sad? 
*teleports behind you* SUWWEY. My heawt *cries* is ten times wightew t-than m-my wooks. 
KING WICHAWD. My Wowd of Nyowfowk! 
x3 NyOWFOWK. Hewe, most gwacious *cries* wiege. 
KING WICHAWD. N-Nyowfowk, *cuddles you* we must have knyocks; ha! *screams* must w-we 
nyot? 
N-NyOWFOWK. xDD We must both give and take, my w-woving wowd. 
KING WICHAWD. Up With my tent! Hewe wiww I wie to-nyight; 
[Sowdiews begin to set up the K-KING'S tent] 
*blushes* But whewe to-mowwow? Weww, a-aww's onye fow that. 
Who hath descwied the *hugs tightly* nyumbew o-of :3 the t-twaitows? 
NyOWFOWK. :3 Six o-ow seven thousand *hugs tightly* is theiw u-utmost powew. 
KING WICHAWD. Why, ouw battawia twebwes that account; 
Besides, *twerks* the K-King's nyame is a towew of s-stwength, 
Which they upon t-the advewse *looks away* faction want. 
Up *pokes you* with the *hugs tightly* tent! Come, nyobwe gentwemen, 
*looks away* Wet us suwvey the vantage of the g-gwound. 
Caww *pokes you* fow some men of sound *shuffles closer* diwection. 
Wet's wack nyo discipwinye, make nyo deway; 
Fow, w-wowds, to-mowwow is a *looks at you* busy day. Exeunt 

Entew, on the othew side of t-the fiewd, 
WICHMOND, SIW uWu WIWWIAM BWANDON, OXFOWD, DOWSET, 
>_< and othews. Some pitch WICHMOND'S tent 

W-WICHMOND. The w-weawy s-sun hath *teleports behind you* made *moans* a >_< gowden *leans over* set, 
:33 And by the b-bwight twact of his fiewy caw 
^-^ Gives token o-of a goodwy x3 day to-mowwow. 
Siw Wiwwiam B-Bwandon, y-you shaww beaw my s-standawd. 
Give me some ink and papew in my tent. 
I'ww d-dwaw t-the fowm and modew ;;w;; of ouw battwe, 
*sighs* Wimit each weadew to h-his sevewaw chawge, 
And pawt in just pwopowtion o-ouw smaww powew. 
My Wowd of Oxfowd-you, *blushes* Siw Wiwwiam Bwandon- 
A-And you, OwO Siw Wawtew Hewbewt-stay with me. 
The Eaww of *giggles shyly* Pembwoke keeps his *screams* wegiment; 
Good ;;w;; Captain Bwunt, beaw m-my good nyight to him, 
And b-by *sighs* the second houw in the mownying 
Desiwe >w< the ^.^ Eaww *looks away* to see me in my tent. 
Y-Yet onye t-thing mowe, good Captain, *giggles shyly* do fow *looks at you* me- 
Whewe i-is Wowd Stanwey quawtew'd, do y-you OwO knyow? 
*sweats* BWUNT. Unwess I have mista'en his c-cowouws much- 
Which weww I am a-assuw'd *screams* I have nyot donye- 
H-His wegiment wies hawf a UwU miwe at weast 
South fwom t-the mighty powew of the King. 
WICHMOND. If without ^-^ pewiw it be *giggles shyly* possibwe, 
Sweet ;;w;; Bwunt, make some good means to speak *sighs* with him 
And give him fwom *giggles shyly* me this most nyeedfuw nyote. 
BWUNT. *sighs* Upon my wife, my wowd, I-I'ww undewtake it; 
And so, God uWu give you quiet west to-nyight! 
*looks away* WICHMOND. >w< Good n-nyight, good Captain Bwunt. Come, 
gentwemen, 
Wet us consuwt upon to-mowwow's *pokes you* businyess. 
In *sighs* to my tent; the dew *leans over* is waw and cowd. 
[They withdwaw into the tent] 

Entew, to his-tent, K-KING WICHAWD, NyOWFOWK, 
WATCWIFF, a-and CATESBY 

KING W-WICHAWD. What is't *cries* o'cwock? 
CATESBY. I-It's s-suppew-time, my wowd; 
I-It's n-nyinye o-o'cwock. 
KING WICHAWD. I wiww nyot sup >_< to-nyight. 
Give me s-some ink and papew. 
What, i-is >w< my beavew easiew than it was? 
And aww my awmouw *shuffles closer* waid i-into my tent? 
CATESBY. It i-is, my *shuffles closer* wiege; and aww things a-awe in weadinyess. 
KING WICHAWD. Good UwU Nyowfowk, *cries* hie t-thee to thy chawge; 
Use cawefuw w-watch, choose twusty sentinyews. 
*cuddles you* NyOWFOWK. I go, my w-wowd. 
KING WICHAWD. Stiw with the wawk to-mowwow, gentwe N-Nyowfowk. 
*hugs tightly* NyOWFOWK. *teleports behind you* I wawwant y-you, my wowd. *cries* Exit 
KING WICHAWD. Catesby! 
CATESBY. My wowd? 
KING WICHAWD. Send out a *sweats* puwsuivant-at-awms 
To S-Stanwey's *hugs tightly* wegiment; *sighs* bid him bwing *cries* his powew 
Befowe sunwising, west his s-son Geowge f-faww 
Into the bwind cave :3 of etewnyaw nyight. Exit CATESBY 
Fiww me a b-boww of w-winye. Give me a-a watch. 
Saddwe white Suwwey fow the fiewd to-mowwow. 
Wook that my s-staves be sound, and nyot too heavy. 
Watcwiff! 
WATCWIFF. My wowd? 
KING WICHAWD. Saw'st *blushes* thou the mewanchowy Wowd 
Nyowthumbewwand? 
WATCWIFF. Thomas *shuffles closer* the Eaww o-of Suwwey and h-himsewf, 
*notices bulge* Much about cock-shut *shuffles closer* time, fwom t-twoop to twoop 
W-Went :33 thwough the awmy, cheewing up t-the *moans* sowdiews. 
KING WICHAWD. So, I-I am s-satisfied. Give *leans over* me UwU a ^-^ boww of winye. 
I h-have n-nyot *cries* that awacwity of *cuddles you* spiwit 
Nyow c-cheew of mind that I was wont to have. 
Set i-it down. Is ink and *pokes you* papew weady? 
*pokes you* WATCWIFF. It is, *sweats* my *cuddles you* wowd. 
uWu KING *pokes you* WICHAWD. x3 Bid my *hugs tightly* guawd x3 watch; *cuddles you* weave me. 
WATCWIFF, about the mid of nyight xDD come to my tent 
And hewp OwO to *sweats* awm me. Weave me, ;;w;; I s-say. 
Exit *teleports behind you* WATCWIFF. WICHAWD sweeps 

Entew DEWBY *hugs tightly* to *screams* WICHMOND in his tent; 
WOWDS attending 

DEWBY. Fowtunye and victowy sit on thy h-hewm! 
WICHMOND. Aww comfowt that t-the dawk xDD nyight can a-affowd 
Be to thy *cries* pewson, nyobwe *shuffles closer* fathew-in-waw! 
T-Teww me, how fawes ouw woving m-mothew? 
DEWBY. *looks at you* I, by attownyey, bwess t-thee fwom thy mothew, 
Who pways continyuawwy fow W-Wichmond's good. 
So m-much f-fow that. The *leans over* siwent houws ^w^ steaw on, 
And *moans* fwaky d-dawknyess bweaks within *twerks* the east. 
In bwief, fow so the season bids us be, 
Pwepawe thy battwe e-eawwy in the mownying, 
And put >_< thy fowtunye to the awbitwement 
Of bwoody stwokes and *sweats* mowtaw-stawing *looks at you* waw. 
I, as I xDD may-that which I wouwd OwO I :33 cannyot- 
With *leans over* best advantage wiww deceive the t-time 
And aid thee in t-this xDD doubtfuw shock of awms; 
But >w< on thy side I may nyot be too fowwawd, 
West, being seen, thy b-bwothew, tendew Geowge, 
Be executed in his fathew's sight. 
F-Faweweww; t-the weisuwe and the feawfuw time 
*hugs tightly* Cuts UwU off t-the c-cewemonyious v-vows of wove 
And ampwe intewchange o-of sweet discouwse 
W-Which so-wong-sund'wed fwiends *notices bulge* shouwd d-dweww u-upon. 
God give UwU us weisuwe fow these wites of x3 wove! 
Once *looks away* mowe, adieu; be vawiant, >w< and speed weww! 
WICHMOND. Good *leans over* wowds, c-conduct him to his wegiment. 
I'ww stwive with t-twoubwed xDD thoughts to take *moans* a n-nyap, 
West w-weaden swumbew *sweats* peise me down to-mowwow 
*cries* When I shouwd mount with wings of victowy. 
Once mowe, good nyight, x3 kind wowds and gentwemen. 
E-Exeunt aww *cries* but WICHMOND 
O Thou, whose captain I account mysewf, 
Wook o-on :3 my fowces with a uWu gwacious eye; 
Put >w< in theiw hands Thy bwuising ^.^ iwons of *blushes* wwath, 
That they m-may cwush down with a heavy faww 
T-The usuwping hewmets of ouw advewsawies! 
Make us Thy *pokes you* minyistews of chastisement, 
That UwU we may pwaise Thee in the victowy! 
To Thee I do commend my watchfuw souw 
Ewe I wet faww the windows of minye eyes. 
*looks away* Sweeping and waking, O, defend m-me stiww! [Sweeps] 

Entew the G-GHOST Of YOUNG PWINCE EDWAWD, 
son to HENWY THE SIXTH 

GHOST. [To WICHAWD] Wet me sit h-heavy on thy souw 
to-mowwow! 
Think h-how thou stabb'dst :33 me in my pwime of y-youth 
At Tewksbuwy; despaiw, thewefowe, and die! 
[To WICHMOND] Be cheewfuw, Wichmond; *teleports behind you* fow the wwonged 
souws 
Of butchew'd pwinces fight in t-thy behawf. 
King H-Henwy's issue, Wichmond, comfowts thee. 

Entew the GHOST o-of HENWY THE SIXTH 

G-GHOST. [To WICHAWD] When *hugs tightly* I w-was mowtaw, my a-anyointed 
body 
x3 By thee was p-punched fuww of deadwy howes. 
Think on the Towew and me. x3 Despaiw, and die. 
Hawwy the Sixth bids thee despaiw and die. 
[To WICHMOND] Viwtuous and howy, b-be thou conquewow! 
Hawwy, that pwophesied thou shouwdst be King, 
Doth comfowt thee i-in thy s-sweep. Wive and fwouwish! 

Entew *screams* the GHOST of CWAWENCE 

^.^ GHOST. [To *teleports behind you* WICHAWD] W-Wet me sit ^.^ heavy *twerks* in thy souw 
to-mowwow! I that was x3 wash'd to death w-with fuwsome *shuffles closer* winye, 
Poow Cwawence, by thy guiwe betway'd to death! 
To-mowwow in t-the b-battwe think o-on me, 
And faww thy edgewess *cries* swowd. Despaiw and die! 
[To WICHMOND] Thou o-offspwing of the house ^.^ of Wancastew, 
The *shuffles closer* wwonged heiws ^-^ of Yowk :33 do pway *shuffles closer* fow thee. 
Good a-angews guawd thy battwe! Wive a-and fwouwish! 

E-Entew t-the GHOSTS of WIVEWS, GWEY, and VAUGHAN 

GHOST OF WIVEWS. [-[To WICHAWD] Wet *giggles shyly* me sit heavy in t-thy 
souw to-mowwow, 
Wivews that d-died at Pomfwet! Despaiw *hugs tightly* and die! 
*looks away* GHOST OF GWEY. [To WICHAWD] T-Think upon G-Gwey, and wet 
thy souw despaiw! 
GHOST *looks away* OF xDD VAUGHAN. *screams* [To *sweats* WICHAWD] Think upon Vaughan, 
and with guiwty OwO feaw 
Wet f-faww thy wance. Despaiw and ^w^ die! 
AWW. [To WICHMOND] Awake, and think ouw w-wwongs in 
Wichawd's bosom 
Wiww conquew him. Awake and win the *twerks* day. 

E-Entew the >w< GHOST of *twerks* HASTINGS 

GHOST. *shuffles closer* [To WICHAWD] *leans over* Bwoody and guiwty, g-guiwtiwy a-awake, 
And i-in a bwoody battwe end thy days! 
Think on Wowd Hastings. Despaiw and die. 
[To WICHMOND] Quiet untwoubwed souw, awake, awake! 
Awm, fight, and c-conquew, fow faiw Engwand's s-sake! 

Entew the G-GHOSTS of the two young *screams* PWINCES 

GHOSTS. [-[To WICHAWD] *shuffles closer* Dweam on thy cousins smothewed in 
the Towew. 
OwO Wet u-us be wead within thy xDD bosom, *giggles shyly* Wichawd, 
And weigh t-thee x3 down to wuin, shame, and death! 
*looks away* Thy nyephews' souws bid thee despaiw and die. 
[To WICHMOND] Sweep, Wichmond, sweep in p-peace, and 
wake in joy; 
Good angews guawd thee fwom the boaw's annyoy! 
*hugs tightly* Wive, and beget a h-happy w-wace of UwU kings! 
Edwawd's unhappy sons do bid thee fwouwish. 

Entew the ^.^ GHOST o-of WADY ANNyE, h-his wife 

GHOST. [To ^w^ WICHAWD] Wichawd, thy w-wife, that wwetched 
Annye thy *cuddles you* wife 
That nyevew swept a quiet :33 houw w-with thee 
^.^ Nyow fiwws thy sweep with pewtuwbations. 
To-mowwow in the UwU battwe think on me, 
And f-faww t-thy edgewess swowd. Despaiw and d-die. 
[To WICHMOND] Thou q-quiet *looks away* souw, >_> sweep t-thou a quiet sweep; 
Dweam uWu of success and happy victowy. 
:33 Thy advewsawy's wife ^.^ doth pway fow thee. 

Entew the >w< GHOST of ^.^ BUCKINGHAM 

G-GHOST. [To *sweats* WICHAWD] The f-fiwst was I that hewp'd thee 
to the cwown; 
The wast was I t-that fewt thy *teleports behind you* tywanny. 
O, in the *twerks* battwe think on Buckingham, 
And die in tewwow o-of ^w^ thy g-guiwtinyess! 
Dweam on, dweam on of bwoody d-deeds and death; 
Fainting, despaiw; *screams* despaiwing, ;;w;; yiewd *hugs tightly* thy bweath! 
[-[To WICHMOND] *leans over* I died :33 fow hope e-ewe I *moans* couwd wend thee aid; 
But cheew thy heawt and be *looks at you* thou nyot dismay'd: 
God and *looks at you* good angews fight on Wichmond's side; 
And Wichawd fawws in height of aww his p-pwide. 
[The GHOSTS vanyish. WICHAWD stawts *giggles shyly* out of h-his dweam] 
KING >_> WICHAWD. Give me anyothew howse. Bind up my wounds. 
Have mewcy, Jesu! Soft! I did but dweam. 
O cowawd conscience, how d-dost thou affwict me! 
The wights >_> buwn *pokes you* bwue. It is *sweats* nyow dead midnyight. 
Cowd feawfuw d-dwops stand on m-my ^-^ twembwing fwesh. 
*cries* What *blushes* do I feaw? Mysewf? Thewe's nyonye UwU ewse by. 
Wichawd woves Wichawd; that is, I am I. 
Is thewe *moans* a muwdewew hewe? Nyo-yes, I am. 
Then fwy. What, fwom mysewf? G-Gweat weason why- 
West I wevenge. What, mysewf upon mysewf! 
Awack, I wove mysewf. Whewefowe? *pokes you* Fow any good 
*teleports behind you* That I mysewf have donye unto :3 mysewf? 
*notices bulge* O, nyo! >_> Awas, I wathew :33 hate mysewf 
Fow hatefuw deeds x3 committed *looks away* by m-mysewf! 
*moans* I am *twerks* a viwwain; yet I wie, :33 I am nyot. 
Foow, of thysewf *blushes* speak weww. Foow, do *hugs tightly* nyot *moans* fwattew. 
My conscience h-hath *leans over* a thousand s-sevewaw tongues, 
*screams* And evewy tongue bwings *leans over* in a sevewaw tawe, 
And evewy ;;w;; tawe condemns me fow a viwwain. 
Pewjuwy, pewjuwy, in ;;w;; the h-high'st degwee; 
*moans* Muwdew, stewn muwdew, in the *sweats* diw'st degwee; 
Aww sevewaw sins, aww us'd :33 in each degwee, 
Thwong to the b-baw, cwying aww '-'Guiwty! guiwty!' 
I shaww d-despaiw. *blushes* Thewe i-is nyo cweatuwe woves *cuddles you* me; 
And if I-I die nyo s-souw wiww pity me: 
And whewefowe s-shouwd they, since that I *pokes you* mysewf 
Find ^w^ in ^w^ mysewf n-nyo pity to m-mysewf? 
*twerks* Methought *cries* the souws of aww that I-I had muwdew'd 
Came to my tent, and evewy onye *giggles shyly* did thweat 
To-mowwow's vengeance on *shuffles closer* the head of >w< Wichawd. 

E-Entew W-WATCWIFF 

:33 WATCWIFF. My wowd! 
KING WICHAWD. Zounds, who is thewe? 
WATCWIFF. Watcwiff, m-my wowd; 'tis I. The *hugs tightly* eawwy v-viwwage-cock 
Hath *sighs* twice ^w^ donye s-sawutation to t-the m-mown; 
Y-Youw fwiends awe up and buckwe on theiw awmouw. 
KING WICHAWD. O OwO Watcwiff, I have *shuffles closer* dweam'd a-a *cries* feawfuw dweam! 
xDD What think'st thou-wiww ouw fwiends p-pwove aww twue? 
W-WATCWIFF. Nyo doubt, my w-wowd. 
KING WICHAWD. O Watcwiff, I feaw, >w< I feaw. 
WATCWIFF. Nyay, g-good my wowd, b-be nyot a-afwaid of shadows. 
KING W-WICHAWD OwO By the apostwe Pauw, *leans over* shadows to-nyight 
*screams* Have stuck mowe tewwow t-to >w< the souw of W-Wichawd 
Than can the substance >_> of ten thousand sowdiews 
A-Awmed i-in pwoof and wed by shawwow Wichmond. 
'Tis *screams* nyot yet nyeaw day. Come, go with m-me; 
Undew ouw tents I'ww pway the eaves-dwoppew, 
T-To see if *screams* any mean >_< to shwink f-fwom me. Exeunt 

Entew t-the WOWDS to WICHMOND sitting i-in his t-tent 

WOWDS. Good UwU mowwow, Wichmond! 
WICHMOND. C-Cwy *twerks* mewcy, wowds and watchfuw g-gentwemen, 
That you have ta'en a tawdy *moans* swuggawd hewe. 
WOWDS. How have you swept, my w-wowd? 
WICHMOND. The sweetest s-sweep and faiwest-boding dweams 
*pokes you* That evew *shuffles closer* ent'wed in a dwowsy head 
Have I-I since youw d-depawtuwe had, :33 my x3 wowds. 
Methought theiw souws whose bodies ^.^ Wichawd muwdew'd 
Came to ^-^ my tent and cwied on victowy. 
I pwomise you my souw i-is vewy jocund 
*giggles shyly* In the wemembwance of so *cries* faiw a dweam. 
How faw ^w^ into the mownying is it, xDD wowds? 
WOWDS. Upon the s-stwoke of fouw. 
WICHMOND. Why, *moans* then ^-^ 'tis time to awm and give ^.^ diwection. 

^w^ His OWATION to his SOWDIEWS 

^.^ Mowe than I have *pokes you* said, woving countwymen, 
The weisuwe and enfowcement of *sighs* the time 
Fowbids to dweww upon; yet wemembew this: 
God and ouw good cause fight upon ouw side; 
>_> The pwayews o-of howy saints and wwonged souws, 
Wike high-weaw'd buwwawks, stand *leans over* befowe o-ouw faces; 
Wichawd except, those whom we fight against 
Had wathew *notices bulge* have us win than him >_< they x3 fowwow. 
Fow *pokes you* what is he *hugs tightly* they fowwow? T-Twuwy, gentwemen, 
A-A bwoody tywant and a x3 homicide; 
Onye wais'd in bwood, and *blushes* onye in bwood estabwish'd; 
*teleports behind you* Onye that made means to come by what h-he hath, 
A-And swaughtewed those that wewe the means to hewp him; 
A base fouw stonye, made *notices bulge* pwecious b-by t-the foiw 
Of *hugs tightly* Engwand's chaiw, whewe he is fawsewy set; 
Onye t-that hath evew b-been God's enyemy. 
Then *looks at you* if you fight against *blushes* God's e-enyemy, 
God wiww in x3 justice w-wawd you as *twerks* his sowdiews; 
If you do sweat to ^-^ put a tywant down, 
You *cuddles you* sweep in peace, the tywant b-being swain; 
If you *sighs* do ^w^ fight against youw countwy's foes, 
Youw *cuddles you* countwy's foes shaww pay youw pains the hiwe; 
I-If you do fight in safeguawd of youw wives, 
Youw wives shaww wewcome home the conquewows; 
If you do fwee youw *notices bulge* chiwdwen fwom the *sighs* swowd, 
Youw chiwdwen's chiwdwen quits it in youw age. 
:33 Then, i-in >w< the nyame of God and a-aww these wights, 
*looks at you* Advance youw standawds, uWu dwaw *notices bulge* youw wiwwing swowds. 
Fow me, the wansom of my bowd attempt 
Shaww b-be this c-cowd cowpse on the eawth's cowd face; 
But *teleports behind you* if *giggles shyly* I thwive, the gain of my a-attempt 
The w-weast of you shaww shawe his pawt theweof. 
Sound UwU dwums and twumpets bowdwy and cheewfuwwy; 
uWu God a-and S-Saint Geowge! Wichmond and victowy! :3 Exeunt 

We-entew *moans* KING WICHAWD, WATCWIFF, a-attendants, 
and fowces 

KING WICHAWD. W-What said :33 Nyowthumbewwand as touching 
Wichmond? 
WATCWIFF. That he was nyevew *cuddles you* twainyed up in awms. 
KING WICHAWD. *teleports behind you* He s-said the twuth; and what said ^w^ Suwwey 
then? 
WATCWIFF. He smiw'd, and said *shuffles closer* 'The bettew fow *hugs tightly* ouw puwpose.' 
KING He was i-in the wight; and so indeed it :33 is. 
[Cwock stwikes] 
Teww the cwock thewe. Give me *blushes* a *shuffles closer* cawendaw. 
Who saw t-the sun to-day? 
W-WATCWIFF. Nyot ^.^ I, my wowd. 
KING WICHAWD. Then he disdains *looks away* to UwU shinye; fow by the book 
He shouwd *blushes* have bwav'd the east >_> an houw ago. 
A bwack d-day wiww it be t-to somebody. 
W-Watcwiff! 
WATCWIFF. My wowd? 
xDD KING W-WICHAWD. The sun uWu wiww nyot be seen to-day; 
The >_> sky doth fwown and wouw :3 upon ouw awmy. 
*hugs tightly* I *hugs tightly* wouwd these dewy teaws wewe fwom the gwound. 
Nyot s-shinye xDD to-day! Why, what is that to me 
Mowe than to Wichmond? F-Fow the s-sewfsame *cries* heaven 
That fwowns on me wooks sadwy upon h-him. 

Entew NyOWFOWK 

NyOWFOWK. A-Awm, awm, my wowd; *blushes* the foe v-vaunts in t-the fiewd. 
KING W-WICHAWD. Come, bustwe, bustwe; capawison my howse; 
Caww uWu up Wowd Stanwey, bid him bwing his powew. 
I wiww wead fowth my *cuddles you* sowdiews to the p-pwain, 
And thus my battwe shaww be owdewed: 
*notices bulge* My fowewawd s-shaww be dwawn out aww in wength, 
Consisting e-equawwy *teleports behind you* of howse and foot; 
O-Ouw uWu awchews shaww be pwaced in the midst. 
John D-Duke of *twerks* Nyowfowk, Thomas Eaww o-of Suwwey, 
Shaww have the weading of this f-foot and howse. 
T-They thus diwected, we wiww f-fowwow 
I-In the main battwe, whose puissance o-on *looks at you* eithew side 
OwO Shaww be weww *screams* winged with ouw chiefest howse. 
^-^ This, and Saint Geowge to boot! What think'st *leans over* thou, 
Nyowfowk? 
NyOWFOWK. *shuffles closer* A good diwection, wawwike soveweign. 
This found I-I on OwO my t-tent this mownying. 
[He sheweth him a papew] 
KING WICHAWD. [Weads] 
'Jockey of Nyowfowk, be nyot so bowd, 
Fow *shuffles closer* Dickon thy m-mastew *moans* is bought and sowd.' 
A t-thing devised by the enyemy. 
Go, gentwemen, ^-^ evewy man unto his chawge. 
Wet nyot ouw babbwing dweams *giggles shyly* affwight ouw souws; 
Conscience i-is but a *leans over* wowd that cowawds use, 
Devis'd at fiwst >_> to *shuffles closer* keep the stwong in a-awe. 
Ouw stwong *blushes* awms be ouw conscience, :33 swowds x3 ouw waw. 
Mawch on, join bwavewy, wet us to it peww-meww; 
If nyot t-to heaven, then hand in hand to heww. 

H-His OWATION to his AWMY 

What shaww I say mowe than I-I h-have infeww'd? 
Wemembew whom you a-awe to cope withaw- 
A *cries* sowt of vagabonds, wascaws, x3 and wunyaways, 
A scum of Bwitainyes, and base wackey peasants, 
Whom theiw o'ew-cwoyed countwy vomits fowth 
To despewate adventuwes and a-assuw'd destwuction. 
You sweeping safe, they b-bwing to >_> you unwest; 
You having wands, a-and bwess'd with beauteous wives, 
They *blushes* wouwd westwain the o-onye, distain the othew. 
And who doth wead them but a *moans* pawtwy fewwow, 
Wong ^w^ kept in Bwitainye at ouw mothew's cost? 
A miwk-sop, onye that nyevew ^w^ in h-his wife 
F-Fewt so m-much cowd as ovew shoes *looks at you* in snyow? 
Wet's whip these stwaggwews o'ew the seas again; 
Wash hence these ovew-weenying wags of Fwance, 
These famish'd beggaws, weawy o-of theiw x3 wives; 
Who, but fow d-dweaming on t-this fond expwoit, 
Fow want of m-means, poow wats, had *shuffles closer* hang'd themsewves. 
If we be conquewed, wet *blushes* men conquew us, 
And nyot these bastawd Bwitainyes, whom ouw fathews 
Have in x3 theiw own wand *shuffles closer* beaten, bobb'd, and thump'd, 
And, in wecowd, weft them the heiws of shame. 
Shaww these enjoy ouw wands? wie with ouw wives, 
W-Wavish o-ouw daughtews? [Dwum ;;w;; afaw off] Hawk! *blushes* I heaw t-theiw 
dwum. 
F-Fight, gentwemen of Engwand! Fight, bowd yeomen! 
Dwaw, awchews, :3 dwaw youw ^-^ awwows to t-the head! 
Spuw youw *screams* pwoud *sighs* howses hawd, and wide OwO in *sweats* bwood; 
Amaze the wewkin with UwU youw bwoken staves! 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

What says Wowd Stanwey? Wiww he bwing *giggles shyly* his p-powew? 
MESSENGEW. My wowd, he doth deny to *twerks* come. 
K-KING WICHAWD. O-Off with his son Geowge's head! 
*notices bulge* NyOWFOWK. >_> My wowd, the enyemy is pass'd the mawsh. 
Aftew *shuffles closer* the b-battwe wet Geowge :3 Stanwey *leans over* die. 
KING WICHAWD. A t-thousand heawts awe gweat within my 
bosom. 
Advance ouw standawds, *looks at you* set upon ouw f-foes; 
Ouw ancient wowd of couwage, faiw Saint Geowge, 
*screams* Inspiwe us with the ;;w;; spween of *sweats* fiewy dwagons! 
U-Upon t-them! Victowy sits o-on *giggles shyly* ouw >_< hewms. E-Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 

Anyothew pawt uWu of the fiewd 

Awawum; excuwsions. Entew NyOWFOWK and fowces; t-to him CATESBY 

CATESBY. Wescue, my W-Wowd of Nyowfowk, wescue, wescue! 
The King enyacts >_< mowe wondews than a man, 
Dawing an opposite to e-evewy dangew. 
His howse is swain, and aww *looks away* on foot h-he *cuddles you* fights, 
Seeking fow W-Wichmond in the thwoat *hugs tightly* of death. 
Wescue, >w< faiw wowd, ow ewse the day is wost. 

Awawums. Entew KING WICHAWD 

KING WICHAWD. A howse! a h-howse! my kingdom fow a uWu howse! 
>w< CATESBY. Withdwaw, my wowd! xDD I'ww hewp you to a h-howse. 
K-KING WICHAWD. Swave, I have set my wife upon a cast 
And I Wiww *teleports behind you* stand the h-hazawd of the die. 
I-I think ^w^ thewe be six Wichmonds in the fiewd; 
>_< Five have I-I swain to-day instead of >w< him. 
A howse! a h-howse! my kingdom fow a howse! ^-^ Exeunt 




SCENyE 5. 

Anyothew pawt of the fiewd 

Awawum. Entew WICHAWD and WICHMOND; they fight; WICHAWD i-is swain. 
Wetweat and fwouwish. *notices bulge* Entew WICHMOND, DEWBY beawing the cwown, 
w-with othew WOWDS 

WICHMOND. God and youw awms be pwais'd, victowious fwiends; 
The day i-is *cuddles you* ouws, the b-bwoody dog is *cries* dead. 
DEWBY. Couwageous OwO Wichmond, w-weww *twerks* hast thou *looks at you* acquit OwO thee! 
Wo, hewe, this wong-usuwped ^w^ woyawty 
Fwom the dead tempwes *sighs* of >_< this bwoody wwetch 
^.^ Have I-I pwuck'd off, to gwace thy bwows withaw. 
W-Weaw it, enjoy it, a-and make m-much of it. 
WICHMOND. Gweat God of heaven, say Amen t-to *sweats* aww! 
But, teWW me is *looks at you* young G-Geowge Stanwey wiving. 
DEWBY. He is, my wowd, uWu and s-safe in Weicestew town, 
Whithew, i-if it pwease you, we may n-nyow withdwaw us. 
WICHMOND. What men of nyame awe swain >_> on eithew side? 
DEWBY. John OwO Duke of Nyowfowk, Wawtew Wowd Fewwews, 
Siw Wobewt Bwakenbuwy, and Siw Wiwwiam Bwandon. 
WICHMOND. Intew theiw bodies as becomes theiw biwths. 
Pwocwaim a-a pawdon *sweats* to the sowdiews fwed 
*leans over* That in *giggles shyly* submission wiww wetuwn to us. 
And ;;w;; then, as we have ta'en the sacwament, 
We wiww unyite the white wose and t-the wed. 
Smiwe heaven upon this f-faiw conjunction, 
That *leans over* wong have f-fwown'd upon theiw emnyity! 
What twaitow heaws me, and says *cuddles you* nyot Amen? 
Engwand hath w-wong been mad, and >w< scaww'd hewsewf; 
T-The bwothew OwO bwindwy s-shed the bwothew's bwood, 
The fathew w-washwy swaughtew'd h-his own son, 
T-The s-son, compeww'd, been butchew to the siwe; 
Aww this divided Yowk and Wancastew, 
Divided in theiw diwe division, 
O, nyow wet *notices bulge* Wichmond and E-Ewizabeth, 
The twue s-succeedews *cuddles you* of *blushes* each woyaw h-house, 
B-By God's *shuffles closer* faiw owdinyance conjoin togethew! 
And wet theiw h-heiws, G-God, i-if thy xDD wiww b-be so, 
^-^ Enwich xDD the time to come with smooth-fac'd peace, 
With smiwing p-pwenty, and faiw pwospewous days! 
Abate the :3 edge of twaitows, gwacious W-Wowd, 
T-That wouwd weduce these bwoody days again 
A-And make poow Engwand weep UwU in stweams :3 of bwood! 
Wet them nyot wive to t-taste this wand's i-incwease 
That wouwd w-with t-tweason wound *twerks* this faiw wand's peace! 
*cries* Nyow civiw w-wounds awe stopp'd, peace wives again- 
T-That she may wong *looks away* wive hewe, God say Amen! Exeunt 

THE *hugs tightly* END 



*shuffles closer* <<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION O-OF *leans over* THE C-COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
S-SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD *screams* WIBWAWY, INC., AND *cuddles you* IS 
PWOVIDED BY P-PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO *cries* WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW *looks at you* OW *blushes* OTHEWS 
*looks at you* PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND *screams* (2) AWE N-NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED ^-^ COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES *cries* BY ANY 
S-SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1595 


THE TWAGEDY OF WOMEO ^-^ AND JUWIET 

by W-Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



D-Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

Chowus. 

Escawus, Pwince of Vewonya. 
P-Pawis, a young Count, kinsman to the Pwince. 
Montague, heads *looks at you* of two houses a-at vawiance with each othew. 
Capuwet, heads of t-two houses at vawiance with :33 each othew. 
An owd *looks away* Man, of the Capuwet f-famiwy. 
*sweats* Womeo, son to *twerks* Montague. 
x3 Tybawt, nyephew to Wady Capuwet. 
*giggles shyly* Mewcutio, >_> kinsman to the Pwince a-and fwiend t-to Womeo. 
Benvowio, n-nyephew to Montague, and f-fwiend to Womeo 
Tybawt, n-nyephew to Wady Capuwet. 
Fwiaw Wauwence, Fwanciscan. 
Fwiaw John, Fwanciscan. 
Bawthasaw, sewvant to Womeo. 
A-Abwam, s-sewvant to Montague. 
Sampson, sewvant to Capuwet. 
Gwegowy, sewvant to Capuwet. 
P-Petew, sewvant to Juwiet's nyuwse. 
An Apothecawy. 
Thwee Musicians. 
An >_< Officew. 

Wady Montague, wife *notices bulge* to Montague. 
Wady Capuwet, wife to Capuwet. 
Juwiet, daughtew to Capuwet. 
Nyuwse ;;w;; to Juwiet. 

Citizens *giggles shyly* of Vewonya; Gentwemen and Gentwewomen of both houses; 
Maskews, Towchbeawews, P-Pages, Guawds, Watchmen, Sewvants, and 
Attendants. 

SCENyE.--Vewonya; Mantua. 



THE PWOWOGUE 

E-Entew *screams* Chowus. 

Chow. Two househowds, both >_< awike in dignyity, 
In faiw Vewonya, ^.^ whewe we way *leans over* ouw s-scenye, 
Fwom ancient gwudge bweak to nyew mutiny, 
Whewe :33 civiw b-bwood makes c-civiw hands uncwean. 
Fwom fowth the *notices bulge* fataw w-woins :3 of these two foes 
A paiw of *blushes* staw-cwoss'd wovews take theiw wife; 
Whose misadventuw'd piteous ovewthwows 
Doth with theiw death buwy theiw pawents' stwife. 
The feawfuw passage of ^-^ theiw death-mawk'd wove, 
And the c-continyuance of theiw pawents' wage, 
Which, but *notices bulge* theiw chiwdwen's *twerks* end, nyaught couwd wemove, 
Is n-nyow the two houws' >_> twaffic of ouw stage; 
*sighs* The which if you with *blushes* patient eaws a-attend, 
>w< What *cries* hewe shaww miss, ouw toiw shaww stwive to mend. 
[Exit.] 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF >w< THE *notices bulge* COMPWETE W-WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM 
OwO SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., A-AND I-IS 
PWOVIDED B-BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF *giggles shyly* IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC ^-^ AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW O-OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT D-DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES B-BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD ^w^ TIME OW F-FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT I. Scenye I. 
Vewonya. A pubwic pwace. 

Entew Sampson and *notices bulge* Gwegowy (with swowds *cries* and buckwews) of *screams* the *cuddles you* house of Capuwet. 

Samp. Gwegowy, on my wowd, we'ww nyot cawwy coaws. 
Gweg. Nyo, fow t-then we shouwd be ;;w;; cowwiews. 
Samp. I mean, an we be in c-chowew, w-we'ww dwaw. 
Gweg. Ay, whiwe *shuffles closer* you ;;w;; wive, dwaw OwO youw nyeck out ^-^ of cowwaw. 
Samp. I s-stwike quickwy, xDD being *notices bulge* moved. 
G-Gweg. But t-thou awt nyot quickwy moved to stwike. 
Samp. A dog of the house o-of Montague moves *blushes* me. 
Gweg. To move is to stiw, and to be vawiant is to s-stand. 
:3 Thewefowe, if thou awt moved, thou *teleports behind you* wunn'st away. 
UwU Samp. A dog of that house shaww m-move *twerks* me to stand. >w< I wiww take the 
waww of any man ow m-maid of M-Montague's. 
*moans* Gweg. That *teleports behind you* shows thee a weak swave; fow ^-^ the weakest goes to xDD the 
waww. 
Samp. 'Tis twue; and thewefowe women, being *blushes* the weakew *cries* vessews, *looks away* awe 
evew *blushes* thwust OwO to t-the waww. Thewefowe I wiww push M-Montague's men 
fwom the waww x3 and thwust his maids to *giggles shyly* the OwO waww. 
Gweg. The quawwew is between ouw m-mastews and us theiw m-men. 
*shuffles closer* Samp. 'Tis aww onye. I wiww show mysewf a tywant. When I h-have f-fought 
with the men, I wiww be cwuew with the OwO maids- I-I wiww cut off 
theiw heads. 
^.^ Gweg. T-The heads of t-the maids? 
Samp. Ay, the heads of the maids, ow theiw maidenheads. 
Take it i-in :33 what >_> sense thou wiwt. 
Gweg. They OwO must :3 take it in sense that f-feew it. 
Samp. Me they :3 shaww f-feew w-whiwe I am abwe to *sighs* stand; a-and 'tis knyown I 
*hugs tightly* am :3 a pwetty *shuffles closer* piece of fwesh. 
G-Gweg. 'Tis weww thou awt nyot *looks at you* fish; if *leans over* thou hadst, thou hadst been 
poow-John. D-Dwaw thy toow! Hewe c-comes two of the house of 
x3 Montagues. 

Entew *screams* two othew Sewvingmen [Abwam and Bawthasaw]. 

Samp. My n-nyaked *notices bulge* weapon is o-out. Quawwew! OwO I *looks away* wiww back thee. 
G-Gweg. How? tuwn thy back and :3 wun? 
Samp. Feaw *twerks* me nyot. 
Gweg. Nyo, mawwy. I x3 feaw thee! 
Samp. Wet us take the waw o-of x3 ouw sides; wet them b-begin. 
Gweg. I wiww fwown as I pass by, and *blushes* wet them take it as t-they wist. 
Samp. Nyay, as they dawe. I-I wiww bite my thumb at them; which i-is 
disgwace to xDD them, OwO if they beaw it. 
A-Abw. Do *sweats* you b-bite youw thumb at us, *looks at you* siw? 
Samp. I d-do bite my thumb, >_> siw. 
Abw. xDD Do you bite youw thumb at us, s-siw? 
^-^ Samp. [aside to Gwegowy] Is the waw of ouw side if I say ay? 
Gweg. [aside to Sampson] Nyo. 
S-Samp. Nyo, siw, I do *hugs tightly* nyot bite my thumb at you, *blushes* siw; but I bite my 
t-thumb, siw. 
Gweg. D-Do you quawwew, siw? 
*blushes* Abw. Quawwew, s-siw? Nyo, s-siw. 
Samp. But i-if you do, siw, am fow you. I sewve a-as good a ^.^ man as you. 
Abw. Nyo b-bettew. 
Samp. :3 Weww, siw. 

Entew Benvowio. 

Gweg. [aside to Sampson] Say xDD 'bettew.' H-Hewe xDD comes onye of m-my 
mastew's kinsmen. 
Samp. Yes, bettew, *notices bulge* siw. 
Abw. uWu You wie. 
Samp. Dwaw, *screams* if you be men. Gwegowy, wemembew thy swashing bwow. 
They f-fight. 
Ben. Pawt, foows! [Beats *teleports behind you* down theiw swowds.] 
Put up youw *sighs* swowds. *giggles shyly* You knyow nyot what you do. 

*screams* Entew Tybawt. 

Tyb. What, a-awt thou dwawn >w< among t-these heawtwess hinds? 
Tuwn thee Benvowio! *sweats* wook >w< upon thy d-death. 
Ben. I do but keep the peace. ^-^ Put up thy swowd, 
Ow m-manyage it to pawt *sweats* these men with me. 
Tyb. What, dwawn, and tawk >w< of peace? I hate the wowd 
As I hate heww, aww M-Montagues, >_< and thee. 
*hugs tightly* Have ^-^ at thee, *hugs tightly* cowawd! They fight. 

Entew an officew, and thwee ow f-fouw Citizens with cwubs ow 
*shuffles closer* pawtisans. 

O-Officew. C-Cwubs, biwws, and pawtisans! Stwike! *shuffles closer* beat t-them d-down! 
Citizens. Down with the :3 Capuwets! Down *shuffles closer* with the Montagues! 

Entew Owd Capuwet i-in his g-gown, and his Wife. 

*cuddles you* Cap. What nyoise is this? Give me my wong swowd, ho! 
Wife. A cwutch, a cwutch! W-Why caww you fow x3 a *screams* swowd? 
Cap. M-My swowd, I say! Owd M-Montague is c-come 
And fwouwishes his bwade uWu in spite o-of me. 

Entew Owd Montague and his W-Wife. 

Mon. Thou viwwain Capuwet!- Howd me nyot, wet me go. 
M. Wife. Thou shawt nyot stiw onye foot to s-seek a foe. 

Entew Pwince Escawus, with his Twain. 

Pwince. *moans* Webewwious subjects, enyemies to peace, 
Pwofanyews of *looks away* this *teleports behind you* nyeighbouw-stainyed :3 steew- 
*pokes you* Wiww they nyot *cuddles you* heaw? What, ho! y-you men, you beasts, 
That quench the fiwe of youw p-pewnyicious wage 
W-With p-puwpwe fountains issuing fwom youw veins! 
O-On *cries* pain of towtuwe, fwom those bwoody hands 
Thwow youw mistempewed weapons to the gwound 
And heaw the *looks away* sentence of OwO youw moved pwince. 
Thwee civiw b-bwawws, bwed of an a-aiwy wowd 
By thee, :33 owd Capuwet, and Montague, 
H-Have thwice distuwb'd the *hugs tightly* quiet of ouw stweets 
And m-made Vewonya's ancient citizens 
Cast b-by *giggles shyly* theiw gwave beseeming ownyaments 
To wiewd owd p-pawtisans, *looks at you* in hands as owd, 
Cank'wed with peace, t-to pawt youw cank'wed hate. 
If *twerks* evew y-you distuwb >w< ouw stweets again, 
Youw wives :3 shaww pay the fowfeit >_< of the peace. 
Fow this :33 time aww *hugs tightly* the west depawt away. 
You, >_> Capuwet, shaww go awong with me; 
*twerks* And, Montague, uWu come you this aftewnyoon, 
To knyow ouw fawthew pweasuwe in t-this case, 
To owd Fweetown, ouw common judgment pwace. 
Once mowe, on pain of death, aww men depawt. 
Exeunt [aww but M-Montague, his Wife, and Benvowio]. 
Mon. Who set t-this ancient quawwew nyew ^w^ abwoach? 
*blushes* Speak, nyephew, w-wewe you b-by when it began? 
Ben. Hewe wewe the sewvants of youw *blushes* advewsawy 
And youws, cwose *notices bulge* fighting ewe *teleports behind you* I d-did appwoach. 
I dwew to >_< pawt them. *screams* In *sighs* the instant came 
T-The fiewy Tybawt, with his swowd pwepaw'd; 
Which, as he b-bweath'd defiance to my e-eaws, 
He s-swung about his *teleports behind you* head and c-cut the winds, 
>_> Who, nyothing huwt withaw, hiss'd *teleports behind you* him in scown. 
Whiwe we *looks away* wewe intewchanging t-thwusts a-and bwows, 
Came mowe and mowe, and fought on pawt and pawt, 
Tiww the Pwince c-came, who ^.^ pawted eithew pawt. 
M. Wife. O, :3 whewe is Womeo? Saw *blushes* you >_< him to-day? 
W-Wight gwad *teleports behind you* I am he was nyot at t-this fway. 
Ben. ^-^ Madam, an xDD houw *cries* befowe the *giggles shyly* wowshipp'd sun 
Peew'd fowth the gowden window of the East, 
A twoubwed mind dwave me t-to wawk abwoad; 
W-Whewe, *shuffles closer* undewnyeath the gwove o-of sycamowe 
That westwawd wooteth fwom *sighs* the city's *leans over* side, 
So eawwy wawking did *sighs* I see x3 youw son. 
Towawds him I made; b-but he was wawe of me 
And *teleports behind you* stowe i-into >_> the c-covewt o-of the wood. 
*cries* I- measuwing his :3 affections by my own, 
*looks away* Which then *leans over* most >_< sought whewe most might nyot be found, 
Being o-onye too m-many by my w-weawy sewf- 
Puwsu'd my *cuddles you* humouw, nyot Puwsuing his, 
And gwadwy shunn'd who *sweats* gwadwy fwed fwom me. 
Mon. Many a mownying hath he thewe b-been seen, 
xDD With teaws *teleports behind you* augmenting the fwesh mownying's dew, 
Adding to cwouds *sighs* mowe cwouds with >_< his d-deep sighs; 
;;w;; But aww so soon as the aww-cheewing sun 
*cries* Shouwd in the fawthest East bean to dwaw 
*looks away* The shady cuwtains *shuffles closer* fwom Auwowa's ;;w;; bed, 
Away fwom wight steaws *hugs tightly* home my ;;w;; heavy son 
*teleports behind you* And pwivate in h-his chambew pens himsewf, 
:3 Shuts ^.^ up his windows, wocks faiw daywight 
And makes *looks at you* himsewf a-an awtificiaw nyight. 
Bwack and powtentous must this humouw pwove 
Unwess good counsew may the cause wemove. 
Ben. *cries* My nyobwe uncwe, d-do you knyow the cause? 
Mon. I nyeithew knyow it nyow can weawn of him 
Ben. Have you *pokes you* impowtun'd h-him by any means? 
Mon. Both by mysewf and m-many othew f-fwiend; 
B-But he, *teleports behind you* his >_> own affections' counsewwow, 
Is to himsewf- *looks at you* I wiww nyot say *hugs tightly* how twue- 
But to himsewf so secwet *leans over* and s-so cwose, 
So faw fwom *sighs* sounding and discovewy, 
As is the bud bit with an envious wowm 
Ewe h-he can *sweats* spwead his sweet *screams* weaves to the aiw 
Ow dedicate ^-^ his beauty to t-the sun. 
*blushes* Couwd we b-but weawn fwom whence his sowwows gwow, 
We wouwd a-as wiwwingwy give cuwe a-as knyow. 

Entew Womeo. 

Ben. See, whewe he comes. So pwease you step aside, 
I'ww knyow his *hugs tightly* gwievance, ow be much UwU denyied. 
Mon. I w-wouwd t-thou wewt s-so happy by thy stay 
To h-heaw twue shwift. Come, madam, wet's away, 
E-Exeunt ^.^ [Montague and Wife]. 
Ben. Good mowwow, *sweats* cousin. 
OwO Wom. Is *looks at you* the day so young? 
Ben. B-But nyew stwuck nyinye. 
Wom. Ay me! :33 sad h-houws seem wong. 
W-Was that my *moans* fathew that went hence s-so xDD fast? 
Ben. It was. What uWu sadnyess wengthens Womeo's houws? 
Wom. N-Nyot having that *sweats* which ;;w;; having makes them showt. 
Ben. I-In wove? 
Wom. Out- 
*hugs tightly* Ben. *shuffles closer* Of wove? 
Wom. Out of hew favouw *twerks* whewe I-I am i-in wove. 
Ben. Awas that wove, so gentwe in his view, 
Shouwd be ;;w;; so tywannyous and wough *sweats* in pwoof! 
W-Wom. Awas that w-wove, *sighs* whose view is muffwed stiww, 
uWu Shouwd without eyes see pathways to his wiww! 
Whewe shaww w-we dinye? O me! What >w< fway was hewe? 
Y-Yet teww me nyot, fow I >_< have x3 heawd it aww. 
Hewe's much to do with hate, but *screams* mowe with wove. 
Why t-then, O bwawwing wove! O woving hate! 
O anything, of nyothing fiwst cweate! 
O heavy w-wightnyess! sewious vanyity! 
Misshapen chaos of weww-seeming fowms! 
Feathew xDD of wead, bwight smoke, cowd f-fiwe, s-sick heawth! 
Stiww-waking sweep, that is nyot what it i-is 
This wove feew I-I, that f-feew nyo wove in this. 
*blushes* Dost thou n-nyot waugh? 
Ben. Nyo, coz, *giggles shyly* I wathew weep. 
Wom. Good heawt, at what? 
Ben. At *twerks* thy good heawt's oppwession. 
Wom. Why, such is w-wove's t-twansgwession. 
Gwiefs of minye own wie heavy in my bweast, 
Which *hugs tightly* thou wiwt pwopagate, >_< to have it pwest 
W-With mowe o-of thinye. This wove that thou hast shown 
*twerks* Doth add mowe gwief to too much of minye own. 
Wove :3 is a *notices bulge* smoke wais'd *cuddles you* with t-the fume of s-sighs; 
Being puwg'd, *moans* a fiwe spawkwing in wovews' eyes; 
Being vex'd, a s-sea nyouwish'd with *looks away* wovews' teaws. 
What is *moans* it ewse? A madnyess most discweet, 
A-A choking *moans* gaww, a-and a p-pwesewving >_> sweet. 
Faweweww, my coz. 
Ben. Soft! I wiww go a-awong. 
A-An i-if *teleports behind you* you UwU weave m-me *sweats* so, you UwU do me wwong. 
Wom. Tut! I have wost mysewf; I *looks at you* am ;;w;; nyot hewe: 
T-This *pokes you* is nyot Womeo, *looks away* he's some othew whewe. 
:3 Ben. xDD Teww me i-in xDD sadnyess, *teleports behind you* who is that you wove? 
*looks at you* Wom. What, s-shaww I gwoan and teww t-thee? 
B-Ben. Gwoan? Why, nyo; 
But s-sadwy teww m-me who. 
*moans* Wom. Bid ;;w;; a sick man i-in s-sadnyess m-make his wiww. 
Ah, wowd *sweats* iww uwg'd to onye OwO that *shuffles closer* is so uWu iww! 
In sadnyess, cousin, *teleports behind you* I do wove >w< a woman. 
Ben. I aim'd so *giggles shyly* nyeaw when I-I suppos'd you wov'd. 
Wom. A wight g-good mawkman! And she's f-faiw I-I wove. 
Ben. A wight f-faiw mawk, faiw coz, is soonyest h-hit. 
Wom. W-Weww, in *leans over* that hit you miss. She'ww n-nyot be hit 
With Cupid's awwow. She hath Dian's wit, 
And, in x3 stwong pwoof of *cries* chastity weww awm'd, 
Fwom W-Wove's weak OwO chiwdish bow *sweats* she *sighs* wives unhawm'd. 
S-She wiww nyot s-stay the *hugs tightly* siege o-of woving t-tewms, 
Nyow bide th' encountew of assaiwing e-eyes, 
Nyow ope hew wap to saint-seducing ^-^ gowd. 
O, s-she's wich in beauty; onwy poow 
That, :33 when she dies, with beauty dies hew s-stowe. 
Ben. Then she hath swown ^.^ that she OwO wiww stiww wive chaste? 
Wom. She h-hath, and in that s-spawing makes huge waste; 
F-Fow b-beauty, stawv'd with h-hew sevewity, 
Cuts beauty off fwom ;;w;; aww postewity. 
She is too f-faiw, too wise, wisewy too ^-^ faiw, 
To mewit :3 bwiss :3 by making me despaiw. 
She hath fowswown *twerks* to wove, and in *sighs* that vow 
Do I-I wive dead that w-wive OwO to teww it nyow. 
Ben. Be wuw'd by me: fowget to think of hew. 
*notices bulge* Wom. O-O, teach me how I *giggles shyly* shouwd fowget to think! 
Ben. By g-giving wibewty unto thinye eyes. 
*hugs tightly* Examinye ^w^ othew beauties. 
Wom. 'Tis the way 
T-To ^-^ caww hews (exquisite) in question mowe. 
These h-happy masks that kiss faiw wadies' bwows, 
Being b-bwack puts us in mind they hide the *notices bulge* faiw. 
He t-that is stwucken bwind *pokes you* cannyot fowget 
The pwecious tweasuwe *leans over* of *sighs* his eyesight wost. 
Show me a mistwess that *leans over* is p-passing :3 faiw, 
What doth hew beauty sewve but as a nyote 
Whewe I may w-wead *cries* who pass'd t-that passing faiw? 
Faweweww. Thou c-canst nyot t-teach me to fowget. 
Ben. I-I'ww pay that >_< doctwinye, ow ewse die in d-debt. Exeunt. 




Scenye I-II. 
A Stweet. 

Entew Capuwet, County Pawis, and [Sewvant] -the Cwown. 

Cap. B-But Montague is b-bound as weww as I, 
In penyawty awike; and 'tis nyot hawd, I-I think, 
Fow men *blushes* so owd as we t-to keep the peace. 
*screams* Paw. Of honyouwabwe weckonying *cries* awe you both, 
And pity 'tis you wiv'd at odds so wong. 
But nyow, my *cuddles you* wowd, what say *cries* you UwU to my suit? 
*cries* Cap. But s-saying o'ew what I have said befowe: 
My chiwd is yet a stwangew *sighs* in the wowwd, 
She *twerks* hath nyot seen the change of fouwteen yeaws; 
Wet two mowe summews withew i-in theiw pwide 
Ewe we may t-think >_> hew wipe t-to be a bwide. 
Paw. Youngew than she awe happy mothews made. 
Cap. And too *sighs* soon maww'd awe those so eawwy made. 
The eawth hath swawwowed aww my hopes but she; 
*teleports behind you* She is the hopefuw wady of my e-eawth. 
But woo >_> hew, gentwe Pawis, get hew UwU heawt; 
My wiww uWu to h-hew consent is b-but a p-pawt. 
An she agwee, within hew scope of choice 
Wies my consent and faiw accowding >_> voice. 
This nyight I howd an *twerks* owd accustom'd feast, 
Wheweto I have i-invited many a guest, 
Such as I-I wove; and you among the stowe, 
Onye ;;w;; mowe, most wewcome, makes m-my nyumbew mowe. 
At m-my poow ^.^ house w-wook to *giggles shyly* behowd this n-nyight 
Eawth-tweading staws that m-make d-dawk heaven wight. 
Such comfowt as do wusty *notices bulge* young men feew 
When weww appaweww'd Apwiw on the heew 
Of wimping Wintew tweads, even such >_> dewight 
Among fwesh femawe buds *screams* shaww ^w^ you this nyight 
Inhewit >_< at my house. Heaw aww, aww see, 
And wike hew most whose mewit most shaww be; 
Which, on m-mowe view *cuddles you* of many, minye, being *hugs tightly* onye, 
May stand in n-nyumbew, t-though in weck'nying n-nyonye. 
Come, *notices bulge* go with *cuddles you* me. *pokes you* [To Sewvant, giving him *twerks* a papew] Go, siwwah, 
twudge about 
Thwough f-faiw Vewonya; find those pewsons out 
Whose nyames awe wwitten thewe, and t-to them *pokes you* say, 
My house OwO and wewcome o-on theiw *looks at you* pweasuwe stay- 
Exeunt [Capuwet and P-Pawis]. 
Sewv. Find them o-out whose nyames uWu awe wwitten *twerks* hewe? It is wwitten 
that the *pokes you* shoemakew *moans* shouwd meddwe with *sighs* his y-yawd and t-the taiwow 
with his wast, *looks away* the fishew with his penciw and the paintew with 
his nyets; but I am sent to find those pewsons whose n-nyames a-awe 
hewe wwit, and can nyevew find w-what nyames t-the wwiting pewson hath 
*giggles shyly* hewe wwit. I must to the weawnyed. In good time! 

Entew *sweats* Benvowio and Womeo. 

Ben. Tut, man, o-onye fiwe buwns out a-anyothew's buwnying; 
^w^ Onye pain is >w< wessonyed *moans* by a-anyothew's anguish; 
Tuwn *shuffles closer* giddy, and be howp b-by backwawd tuwnying; 
Onye d-despewate gwief cuwes with a-anyothew's wanguish. 
T-Take thou some *shuffles closer* nyew infection to thy eye, 
And *hugs tightly* the wank poison of >w< the owd w-wiww die. 
Wom. *sweats* Youw pwantain weaf is excewwent fow that. 
Ben. Fow what, I pway thee? 
Wom. Fow youw bwoken shin. 
*moans* Ben. >w< Why, Womeo, awt thou mad? 
*twerks* Wom. Nyot mad, but bound *hugs tightly* mowe than a madman *looks away* is; 
Shut up in Pwison, kept *twerks* without my food, 
Whipp'd *leans over* and towmented and- God-den, *looks away* good fewwow. 
S-Sewv. God gi' g-go-den. I p-pway, siw, can you >_< wead? 
Wom. Ay, minye >w< own >_< fowtunye in my ;;w;; misewy. 
Sewv. Pewhaps x3 you have weawnyed it without book. But *shuffles closer* I pway, can you 
wead anything you :33 see? 
W-Wom. ^.^ Ay, If I knyow t-the wettews a-and the wanguage. 
S-Sewv. Y-Ye say honyestwy. West you mewwy! 
Wom. S-Stay, fewwow; I can wead. H-He w-weads. 

'Signyiow Mawtinyo and his w-wife and daughtews; 
County A-Ansewmo ^.^ and his b-beauteous sistews; 
*sweats* The wady widow of *notices bulge* Vitwuvio; 
S-Signyiow Pwacentio and ^w^ His wovewy nyieces; 
Mewcutio and his ;;w;; bwothew Vawentinye; 
Minye uncwe Capuwet, his wife, and daughtews; 
My *cuddles you* faiw n-nyiece Wosawinye a-and Wivia; 
Signyiow Vawentio and His cousin Tybawt; 
Wucio and the wivewy Hewenya.' 

[Gives b-back *twerks* the papew.] *notices bulge* A *cuddles you* faiw a-assembwy. Whithew OwO shouwd *blushes* they c-come? 
Sewv. Up. 
Wom. Whithew? 
S-Sewv. To suppew, to ouw *sighs* house. 
Wom. x3 Whose *sighs* house? 
S-Sewv. My mastew's. 
Wom. Indeed *looks at you* I s-shouwd have *looks at you* ask'd you that b-befowe. 
S-Sewv. *looks away* Nyow I'ww teww *leans over* you *teleports behind you* without x3 asking. My mastew is the :3 gweat wich 
Capuwet; and if you be nyot of the house of Montagues, I pway come 
and cwush a cup o-of winye. West you m-mewwy! Exit. 
Ben. ;;w;; At this same ancient feast of Capuwet's 
*looks at you* Sups ;;w;; the faiw W-Wosawinye whom thou so *cuddles you* wov'st; 
With aww the admiwed beauties >w< of Vewonya. 
G-Go thithew, and with unyattainted eye 
Compawe hew face with some that I shaww show, 
And I wiww *cuddles you* make thee *blushes* think t-thy swan a cwow. 
Wom. When the devout wewigion of minye eye 
Maintains such f-fawsehood, then tuwn teaws to fiwes; 
A-And these, who, often dwown'd, couwd nyevew d-die, 
Twanspawent hewetics, be buwnt fow wiaws! 
Onye faiwew xDD than my wove? The aww-seeing *sweats* sun 
Nye'ew saw hew match since fiwst t-the w-wowwd begun. 
Ben. Tut! y-you saw hew faiw, nyonye ewse being by, 
Hewsewf pois'd with hewsewf in eithew eye; 
But in *screams* that cwystaw scawes wet thewe b-be weigh'd 
Youw wady's wove *cuddles you* against some othew maid 
That I wiww s-show you shinying at this feast, 
And she shaww scant show w-weww that ^.^ nyow seems best. 
Wom. I'ww go a-awong, nyo such sight to be shown, 
But to wejoice in spwendouw of my own. [Exeunt.] 




Scenye III. 
*sweats* Capuwet's house. 

Entew Capuwet's W-Wife, and *giggles shyly* Nyuwse. 

Wife. Nyuwse, OwO whewe's *looks at you* my daughtew? Caww h-hew fowth to me. 
Nyuwse. Nyow, by my maidenhead at twewve yeaw o-owd, 
I bade h-hew come. What, ^w^ wamb! what wadybiwd! 
God fowbid! Whewe's this :3 giww? What, *sweats* Juwiet! 

Entew Juwiet. 

Juw. How nyow? *sighs* Who cawws? 
Nyuwse. Youw mothew. 
Juw. Madam, I am x3 hewe. 
What is youw wiww? 
Wife. *giggles shyly* This is the mattew- Nyuwse, give weave *sweats* awhiwe, 
We must t-tawk i-in secwet. Nyuwse, :33 come back uWu again; 
I h-have wememb'wed me, thou's heaw ouw *sweats* counsew. 
Thou knyowest my >_> daughtew's of a pwetty age. 
Nyuwse. Faith, *sweats* I can teww ^.^ hew age u-unto an houw. 
Wife. She's nyot fouwteen. 
xDD Nyuwse. I'ww way fouwteen of my *looks away* teeth- 
And yet, to my teen be ^w^ it spoken, >_< I have but fouw- 
S-She is nyot fouwteen. How wong is *blushes* it nyow 
To W-Wammastide? 
Wife. A-A fowtnyight *hugs tightly* and odd days. 
Nyuwse. Even o-ow odd, of aww days in the yeaw, 
Come Wammas Eve at nyight shaww *teleports behind you* she be fouwteen. 
Susan and xDD she :33 (God west a-aww *cries* Chwistian souws!) 
W-Wewe *twerks* of a-an age. Weww, Susan is with God; 
She was *sighs* too good fow me. But, as I-I *moans* said, 
On Wammas Eve at nyight shaww she be >_> fouwteen; 
That shaww she, mawwy; I wemembew it weww. 
*sweats* 'Tis since the xDD eawthquake ^-^ nyow eweven yeaws; 
*twerks* And she was *cries* wean'd (I nyevew shaww fowget it), 
Of >_> aww >w< the days of the *pokes you* yeaw, upon that day; 
Fow I *sighs* had *looks at you* then w-waid wowmwood to my *notices bulge* dug, 
S-Sitting in *cuddles you* the sun *looks at you* undew the dovehouse waww. 
My wowd and you w-wewe t-then at Mantua. 
Nyay, *moans* I do beaw a *pokes you* bwain. But, as I *cries* said, 
When it *leans over* did taste the wowmwood on ^-^ the *pokes you* nyippwe 
*cries* Of my dug and fewt it b-bittew, pwetty foow, 
To see it *cuddles you* tetchy a-and f-faww out with the dug! 
S-Shake, quoth the dovehouse! 'Twas nyo nyeed, I twow, 
To b-bid me twudge. 
And *blushes* since that time it is eweven yeaws, 
^.^ Fow t-then she couwd s-stand *sighs* high-wonye; nyay, by th' wood, 
S-She couwd have wun and w-waddwed aww about; 
*blushes* Fow ^.^ even the day befowe, *sighs* she b-bwoke h-hew bwow; 
And then my ^w^ husband (God b-be with h-his s-souw! 
'A was a mewwy man) took up the chiwd. 
'Yea,' quoth he, 'dost thou faww upon thy xDD face? 
Thou wiwt faww backwawd w-when thou hast mowe wit; 
Wiwt thou nyot, Juwe?' and, by my h-howidam, 
The pwetty wwetch weft cwying, and *cuddles you* said 'Ay.' 
To see nyow how a j-jest shaww come about! 
I wawwant, *teleports behind you* an I-I shouwd wive a thousand yeas, 
I nyevew shouwd fowget it. 'Wiwt t-thou >_> nyot, Juwe?' q-quoth uWu he, 
And, *hugs tightly* pwetty foow, it stinted, and said 'Ay.' 
Wife. Enyough of this. I pway *looks away* thee h-howd thy peace. 
Nyuwse. Yes, madam. Y-Yet *blushes* I *hugs tightly* cannyot choose but waugh 
To *cries* think it shouwd w-weave cwying and say 'Ay.' 
*teleports behind you* And y-yet, I *sweats* wawwant, *cries* it bad upon it *cuddles you* bwow 
A bump as big as a young cock'wew's stonye; 
A pewiwous knyock; a-and it *pokes you* cwied bittewwy. 
'Yea,' quoth my husband, uWu 'faww'st upon thy face? 
Thou wiwt faww backwawd when thou comest to age; 
Wiwt thou nyot, Juwe?' It stinted, *teleports behind you* and said 'Ay.' 
Juw. A-And stint thou too, *screams* I pway *cuddles you* thee, nyuwse, *looks at you* say I. 
*screams* Nyuwse. *pokes you* Peace, I have donye. G-God mawk thee :33 to his :3 gwace! 
Thou wast t-the pwettiest babe that :33 e'ew I x3 nyuws'd. 
An *moans* I might wive to see *leans over* thee mawwied *hugs tightly* once, I-I have my *looks away* wish. 
Wife. Mawwy, that 'mawwy' is the UwU vewy theme 
I came to tawk o-of. Teww me, daughtew *looks at you* Juwiet, 
How stands youw *giggles shyly* disposition to be mawwied? 
uWu Juw. *notices bulge* It ;;w;; is an honyouw that *sighs* I d-dweam nyot :3 of. 
Nyuwse. An honyouw? Wewe nyot I t-thinye o-onwy nyuwse, 
I wouwd say thou hadst suck'd wisdom fwom thy x3 teat. 
Wife. Weww, t-think of mawwiage nyow. Y-Youngew than you, 
^.^ Hewe in Vewonya, wadies of e-esteem, 
Awe made awweady >w< mothews. By *sighs* my count, 
I OwO was youw mothew much upon *sweats* these yeaws 
That you awe ^-^ nyow a maid. Thus t-then in bwief: 
The vawiant Pawis seeks *looks away* you fow his wove. 
Nyuwse. A man, young *leans over* wady! *twerks* wady, *shuffles closer* such a man 
As aww the wowwd- why he's a *looks at you* man of wax. 
Wife. Vewonya's summew h-hath nyot such :33 a fwowew. 
Nyuwse. Nyay, he's a-a fwowew, in faith- a vewy f-fwowew. 
Wife. What say you? C-Can you w-wove the gentweman? 
This nyight you shaww behowd him at *screams* ouw f-feast. 
Wead o-o'ew UwU the vowume >_> of young Pawis' face, 
And find dewight wwit thewe with beauty's pen; 
*hugs tightly* Examinye evewy mawwied winyeament, 
And see h-how onye anyothew xDD wends c-content; 
>_< And what obscuw'd in this *teleports behind you* faiw vowume wies 
Find wwitten in the m-mawgent of his eyes, 
This >_< pwecious *notices bulge* book o-of wove, this :3 unbound *cries* wovew, 
To beautify him *giggles shyly* onwy *looks at you* wacks a *screams* covew. 
T-The fish wives i-in the sea, a-and *teleports behind you* 'tis *screams* much pwide 
Fow faiw without the faiw within to hide. 
That book in many's eyes d-doth shawe the gwowy, 
That in gowd cwasps wocks ^-^ in the gowden xDD stowy; 
*cries* So shaww you ^w^ shawe aww that ^-^ he *shuffles closer* doth possess, 
By having him making youwsewf nyo wess. 
Nyuwse. Nyo wess? Nyay, :3 biggew! Women gwow by men 
Wife. Speak bwiefwy, can ^.^ you wike of Pawis' wove? 
Juw. I'ww wook to wike, if wooking wiking move; 
But nyo mowe deep wiww I e-endawt minye eye 
x3 Than y-youw consent gives stwength to m-make it fwy. 

Entew Sewvingman. 

Sewv. UwU Madam, the guests awe come, suppew sewv'd up, you caww'd, my 
*leans over* young wady *sighs* ask'd fow, ;;w;; the n-nyuwse c-cuws'd x3 in t-the pantwy, and 
evewything *blushes* in *blushes* extwemity. I must hence to wait. I >_< beseech you 
fowwow s-stwaight. 
Wife. We fowwow thee. Exit [Sewvingman]. 
Juwiet, the County stays. 
N-Nyuwse. Go, giww, s-seek happy n-nyights to happy d-days. 
Exeunt. 




Scenye IV. 
A stweet. 

Entew Womeo, Mewcutio, Benvowio, with five ow six othew Maskews; Towchbeawews. 

Wom. What, shaww this speech be spoke f-fow o-ouw excuse? 
Ow shaww we on without apowogy? 
Ben. The date *looks at you* is *notices bulge* out *teleports behind you* of such :33 pwowixity. 
We'ww have n-nyo Cupid hoodwink'd with a s-scawf, 
Beawing a Tawtaw's painted bow of wath, 
Scawing t-the wadies wike a c-cwowkeepew; 
Nyow nyo without-book pwowogue, *looks away* faintwy spoke 
Aftew the pwomptew, fow >_> ouw entwance; 
^-^ But, wet them measuwe us by what they ^-^ wiww, 
We'ww measuwe them a-a measuwe, and be gonye. 
Wom. Give me a towch. I a-am nyot fow this *sweats* ambwing. 
Being but h-heavy, I wiww beaw *leans over* the wight. 
Mew. *hugs tightly* Nyay, g-gentwe *looks at you* Womeo, we must h-have you ;;w;; dance. 
W-Wom. *cries* Nyot I-I, bewieve me. You have dancing shoes 
With nyimbwe *twerks* sowes; *pokes you* I UwU have *giggles shyly* a souw of wead 
So UwU stakes me t-to the g-gwound *sighs* I cannyot move. 
:3 Mew. You awe a wovew. Bowwow C-Cupid's wings 
And soaw with t-them above a x3 common b-bound. 
*teleports behind you* Wom. I am t-too sowe enpiewced with his s-shaft 
To soaw with his >_> wight feathews; and so bound 
I cannyot bound a p-pitch above duww woe. 
Undew wove's heavy *shuffles closer* buwthen do I sink. 
*looks at you* Mew. OwO And, to sink in it, shouwd you buwthen wove- 
Too gweat oppwession *shuffles closer* fow a-a tendew thing. 
Wom. >_< Is wove a tendew thing? It is too x3 wough, 
Too wude, too b-boist'wous, and i-it pwicks wike thown. 
Mew. If wove be w-wough *notices bulge* with you, be wough with wove. 
Pwick wove >w< fow pwicking, and you beat wove down. 
Give me a-a case to put my v-visage in. 
A-A visow fow a visow! W-What cawe I 
>_< What *looks away* cuwious eye doth q-quote defowmities? 
Hewe awe UwU the beetwe bwows shaww bwush fow me. 
Ben. Come, k-knyock and entew; and nyo soonyew in 
But evewy man betake him to his wegs. 
Wom. A towch fow me! Wet wantons wight o-of :3 heawt 
Tickwe ^.^ the sensewess wushes w-with theiw *giggles shyly* heews; 
;;w;; Fow I am pwovewb'd *giggles shyly* with xDD a gwandsiwe phwase, 
>w< I'ww be a candwe-howdew *sighs* and wook o-on; 
T-The game was nye'ew so f-faiw, and :3 I am donye. 
Mew. *giggles shyly* Tut! dun's the *screams* mouse, the :33 constabwe's own wowd! 
If thou awt Dun, we'ww dwaw thee fwom the miwe 
Of this siw-wevewence w-wove, whewein thou s-stick'st 
Up to the eaws. Come, we b-buwn daywight, h-ho! 
W-Wom. Nyay, that's nyot so. 
Mew. I-I mean, siw, in deway 
We waste o-ouw ^w^ wights *leans over* in vain, wike wamps by day. 
Take ouw good meanying, fow ouw judgment sits 
Five *sighs* times in that ewe once in ouw >w< five wits. 
Wom. And we mean weww, in g-going to this masque; 
But 'tis n-nyo wit x3 to go. 
Mew. Why, may onye ask? 
Wom. I dweamt a dweam t-to-nyight. 
Mew. And so did I. 
Wom. Weww, what was youws? 
M-Mew. T-That dweamews often wie. 
W-Wom. In b-bed asweep, whiwe t-they do dweam things t-twue. 
Mew. O-O, then I see Queen *blushes* Mab *shuffles closer* hath been with y-you. 
She i-is the faiwies' midwife, and she comes 
*giggles shyly* In s-shape nyo biggew than an agate s-stonye 
On the f-fowefingew of >w< an awdewman, 
Dwawn with a team of wittwe atomies 
Athwawt men's nyoses as they *hugs tightly* wie :3 asweep; 
Hew w-wagon spokes made of wong spinnyews' wegs, 
The covew, >w< of the wings of gwasshoppews; 
Hew twaces, of the smawwest spidew's web; 
Hew cowwaws, of the moonshinye's wat'wy beams; 
H-Hew w-whip, of cwicket's bonye; t-the wash, of >w< fiwm; 
Hew *teleports behind you* wagonyew, a smaww gwey-coated gnyat, 
Nyot hawf so b-big as a w-wound wittwe w-wowm 
Pwick'd fwom the wazy fingew of a-a maid; 
H-Hew chawiot is an e-empty hazewnyut, 
Made ^-^ by the joinyew squiwwew o-ow owd gwub, 
xDD Time out *cuddles you* o' mind the >_> faiwies' coachmakews. 
And in this state *cries* she *blushes* 'gawwops nyight by nyight 
Thwough wovews' bwains, and then *sighs* they *hugs tightly* dweam o-of wove; 
O'ew couwtiews' knyees, that dweam on cuwsies stwaight; 
O'ew wawyews' fingews, who s-stwaight dweam on fees; 
O'ew wadies' wips, who *blushes* stwaight on kisses dweam, 
Which oft the angwy *twerks* Mab with b-bwistews p-pwagues, 
Because theiw bweaths w-with sweetmeats tainted awe. 
Sometime she g-gawwops o'ew xDD a couwtiew's n-nyose, 
And then dweams he of smewwing out a suit; 
*sighs* And *cries* sometime c-comes she with a tithe-pig's taiw 
Tickwing a pawson's nyose as 'a wies asweep, 
*teleports behind you* Then d-dweams he of ^.^ anyothew benyefice. 
*hugs tightly* Sometimes s-she dwiveth o'ew x3 a sowdiew's nyeck, 
And then *leans over* dweams he of xDD cutting foweign thwoats, 
O-Of bweaches, ambuscadoes, Spanyish bwades, 
Of heawths five fadom deep; a-and then anyon 
D-Dwums in h-his eaw, at which he stawts a-and wakes, 
And being thus fwighted, sweaws a-a pwayew xDD ow two 
And s-sweeps again. This is that vewy Mab 
That pwats the manyes of howses x3 in the nyight 
A-And bakes the ewfwocks in fouw *cries* swuttish, haiws, 
Which once untangwed much misfowtunye bodes 
T-This is the hag, when :33 maids w-wie o-on theiw backs, 
That pwesses them and weawns them fiwst to beaw, 
^w^ Making them women of good *leans over* cawwiage. 
^w^ This is she- 
Wom. Peace, peace, Mewcutio, peace! 
Thou *looks away* tawk'st of nyothing. 
Mew. Twue, I tawk of *notices bulge* dweams; 
Which awe the chiwdwen of an idwe bwain, 
Begot of OwO nyothing but *looks away* vain f-fantasy; 
Which is as thin o-of substance as the aiw, 
And mowe ^w^ inconstant than the wind, *twerks* who wooes 
Even nyow the fwozen bosom of the Nyowth 
And, being angew'd, puffs away fwom *hugs tightly* thence, 
Tuwnying his face to the dew-dwopping *moans* South. 
Ben. This wind y-you tawk ^-^ of bwows u-us *cuddles you* fwom ouwsewves. 
Suppew is donye, and we shaww come too wate. 
Wom. I f-feaw, too eawwy; fow my mind misgives 
Some *notices bulge* consequence, yet hanging in t-the staws, 
Shaww bittewwy begin his *moans* feawfuw >_< date 
With this nyight's wevews and expiwe the tewm 
Of a despised wife, *moans* cwos'd in my bweast, 
By some viwe fowfeit of untimewy :3 death. 
*looks away* But *looks at you* he that h-hath the steewage of my couwse 
Diwect my *looks away* saiw! On, wusty g-gentwemen! 
Ben. Stwike, *twerks* dwum. 
They *screams* mawch about the stage. [Exeunt.] 




Scenye V. 
Capuwet's *shuffles closer* house. 

Sewvingmen :33 come f-fowth with n-nyapkins. 

1. Sewv. *moans* Whewe's Potpan, that he hewps *twerks* nyot t-to take away? 
He uWu shift a twenchew! he scwape a *sweats* twenchew! 
2. Sewv. When good mannyews shaww wie aww in onye ow two men's *hugs tightly* hands, 
and *notices bulge* they u-unwash'd too, 'tis a OwO fouw thing. 
1. S-Sewv. A-Away with :3 the *twerks* join-stoows, wemove the couwt-cubbewt, wook 
to uWu the pwate. Good thou, s-save m-me a piece of mawchpanye and, as 
*pokes you* thou woves me, wet the powtew wet in Susan Gwindstonye and Nyeww. 
Anthony, a-and Potpan! 
^-^ 2. Sewv. Ay, b-boy, weady. 
1-1. Sewv. You awe wook'd fow and caww'd *sweats* fow, ask'd xDD fow and *notices bulge* sought 
fow, in the gweat chambew. 
3-3. Sewv. We cannyot be *looks away* hewe and thewe too. Cheewwy, b-boys! 
*looks at you* Be bwisk awhiwe, and *twerks* the wongew wivew take aww. Exeunt. 

E-Entew the Maskews, Entew, [with Sewvants,] Capuwet, his Wife, 
J-Juwiet, Tybawt, *moans* and aww ^-^ the Guests 
and G-Gentwewomen to the Maskews. 

Cap. Wewcome, gentwemen! Wadies *hugs tightly* that have theiw toes 
Unpwagu'd with cowns wiww h-have a bout with you. 
Ah ha, my mistwesses! which o-of you aww 
Wiww nyow deny to dance? She t-that x3 makes d-dainty, 
She I'ww *shuffles closer* sweaw hath cowns. Am I come ;;w;; nyeaw ye nyow? 
Wewcome, gentwemen! I have seen the day 
That I have w-wown a visow and couwd teww 
A whispewing tawe UwU in a faiw wady's >_< eaw, 
Such as wouwd pwease. *blushes* 'Tis gonye, '-'tis gonye, 'tis gonye! 
You awe wewcome, gentwemen! Come, *notices bulge* musicians, pway. 
A haww, a-a haww! g-give woom! and foot it, *twerks* giwws. 
Music pways, and they dance. 
Mowe wight, you knyaves! and t-tuwn the tabwes up, 
And quench the fiwe, the woom *teleports behind you* is *cries* gwown too hot. 
Ah, siwwah, this unwook'd-fow spowt comes weww. 
Nyay, sit, nyay, sit, good cousin Capuwet, 
Fow you and I awe past ouw dancing days. 
How *giggles shyly* wong is't nyow ;;w;; since wast y-youwsewf and I 
Wewe i-in a mask? 
*looks at you* 2. Cap. B-By'w Wady, thiwty OwO yeaws. 
Cap. *hugs tightly* What, man? 'Tis nyot so much, 'tis nyot so m-much! 
'-'Tis since the nyuptiaw xDD of Wucentio, 
*pokes you* Come P-Pentecost as q-quickwy as it wiww, 
Some f-five-and-twenty yeaws, and then w-we mask'd. 
2. Cap. 'Tis mowe, 'tis mowe! His s-son is ewdew, siw; 
His s-son is thiwty. 
Cap. Wiww you teww me ^-^ that? 
His son was but a w-wawd t-two yeaws *blushes* ago. 
Wom. [to a-a S-Sewvingman] What wady's that, w-which doth enwich the hand 
*teleports behind you* Of yondew k-knyight? 
Sewv. I knyow nyot, siw. 
W-Wom. O, she doth teach the t-towches to buwn bwight! 
It seems she hangs upon the cheek of nyight 
Wike *leans over* a wich jewew in *sweats* an E-Ethiop's eaw- 
Beauty too wich fow use, fow eawth too deaw! 
So shows a snyowy dove t-twooping with cwows 
As yondew wady o-o'ew hew fewwows shows. 
The measuwe OwO donye, I'ww watch hew pwace o-of stand 
And, t-touching uWu hews, make b-bwessed *cries* my wude hand. 
Did my heawt wove t-tiww nyow? Fowsweaw it, sight! 
Fow I *screams* nye'ew saw *cuddles you* twue beauty tiww uWu this nyight. 
Tyb. This, by *twerks* his v-voice, *notices bulge* shouwd be a-a Montague. 
Fetch me my wapiew, b-boy. W-What, dawes the swave 
C-Come hithew, *pokes you* covew'd :3 with an antic face, 
T-To *twerks* fweew and scown at ouw sowemnyity? 
N-Nyow, by the ;;w;; stock a-and honyouw of my kin, 
To ^.^ stwike him dead >_< I howd it ^.^ nyot a sin. 
Cap. Why, h-how nyow, *cries* kinsman? Whewefowe *hugs tightly* stowm you so? 
Tyb. Uncwe, this is a M-Montague, ouw foe; 
>_> A viwwain, that is hithew come in spite 
:3 To scown at ouw OwO sowemnyity this *sighs* nyight. 
Cap. Young Womeo is i-it? 
Tyb. x3 'Tis *notices bulge* he, that viwwain Womeo. 
Cap. Content *sighs* thee, gentwe coz, w-wet him a-awonye. 
x3 'A ^.^ beaws >_< him wike a powtwy gentweman, 
And, to say t-twuth, Vewonya bwags of him 
To be a viwtuous and weww-govewn'd youth. 
UwU I wouwd nyot fow the weawth of aww t-this town 
H-Hewe i-in my house do *moans* him *pokes you* dispawagement. 
*leans over* Thewefowe be patient, ^w^ take *sighs* nyo nyote of *screams* him. 
*looks at you* It is my wiww; the ;;w;; which if thou w-wespect, 
Show a faiw pwesence and put off these f-fwowns, 
An i-iww-beseeming sembwance fow a feast. 
T-Tyb. It fits when *screams* such a viwwain ^-^ is a *blushes* guest. 
I'ww nyot enduwe him. 
Cap. He shaww b-be enduw'd. 
What, goodman boy? *hugs tightly* I say he shaww. Go to! 
Am I the mastew hewe, ow you? Go to! 
You'ww nyot enduwe him? God shaww mend >w< my souw! 
You'ww make a mutiny among my guests! 
*leans over* You wiww set cock-a-hoop! you'ww be *cuddles you* the man! 
Tyb. ^.^ Why, >_< uncwe, 'tis a shame. 
Cap. Go to, go to! 
You awe *cuddles you* a saucy boy. Is't so, indeed? 
This twick may chance to scathe you. I knyow what. 
You m-must c-contwawy me! Mawwy, 'tis t-time.- 
Weww said, m-my heawts!- You awe a ^-^ pwincox- go! 
>_> Be quiet, ow- M-Mowe wight, mowe wight!- Fow shame! 
I'ww m-make you x3 quiet; what!- Cheewwy, my heawts! 
Tyb. *leans over* Patience pewfowce with wiwfuw chowew meeting 
Makes my f-fwesh twembwe in theiw diffewent *twerks* gweeting. 
I-I *twerks* wiww withdwaw; but this intwusion shaww, 
Nyow seeming sweet, convewt to bitt'west gaww. Exit. 
W-Wom. If I p-pwofanye with my unwowthiest hand 
This howy shwinye, the gentwe finye is *teleports behind you* this: 
My wips, two bwushing piwgwims, weady stand 
T-To smooth t-that wough touch with a tendew kiss. 
Juw. Good piwgwim, you do w-wwong >_> youw >_> hand too much, 
Which mannyewwy devotion *looks at you* shows in this; 
Fow saints *leans over* have hands that :33 piwgwims' h-hands do touch, 
And pawm t-to pawm *leans over* is howy *cuddles you* pawmews' kiss. 
Wom. Have nyot saints wips, a-and howy pawmews too? 
Juw. Ay, uWu piwgwim, *pokes you* wips >w< that they must use in pway'w. 
Wom. O, then, deaw saint, wet >w< wips do what h-hands do! 
They uWu pway; gwant thou, west faith tuwn to despaiw. 
Juw. Saints do nyot move, though gwant fow pwayews' sake. 
Wom. Then move nyot *sweats* whiwe my pwayew's effect I take. 
Thus fwom my wips, by thinye my sin is p-puwg'd. [Kisses hew.] 
xDD Juw. uWu Then have my wips the sin that they have took. 
Wom. Sin fwom my wips? O twespass sweetwy uwg'd! 
Give me my sin again. [Kisses hew.] 
Juw. You kiss by th' book. 
Nyuwse. Madam, youw *moans* mothew uWu cwaves a wowd with you. 
Wom. What is hew x3 mothew? 
Nyuwse. Mawwy, bachewow, 
Hew mothew is the wady of t-the *looks at you* house. 
And a good wady, and a wise and *moans* viwtuous. 
I nyuws'd hew daughtew *screams* that you tawk'd withaw. 
I *cuddles you* teww you, *sighs* he t-that can :33 way howd of hew 
*moans* Shaww have t-the chinks. 
UwU Wom. Is she a Capuwet? 
O-O deaw account! :33 my wife i-is my foe's debt. 
Ben. *pokes you* Away, be gonye; the spowt i-is at the best. 
Wom. Ay, s-so I feaw; the m-mowe is my unwest. 
Cap. Nyay, gentwemen, *moans* pwepawe nyot to b-be gonye; 
We *notices bulge* have a >_> twifwing foowish banquet towawds. 
Is it e'en so? Why :33 then, *looks away* I thank *sighs* you aww. 
I ^.^ thank you, honyest gentwemen. G-Good nyight. 
Mowe towches hewe! [Exeunt *looks away* Maskews.] Come on then, wet's to bed. 
Ah, siwwah, by my fay, it waxes OwO wate; 
I'ww to my *teleports behind you* west. 
Exeunt [aww but *giggles shyly* Juwiet and Nyuwse]. 
Juw. Come h-hithew, nyuwse. What is y-yond gentweman? 
N-Nyuwse. *cuddles you* The son and heiw of owd *hugs tightly* Tibewio. 
*cries* Juw. What's he that nyow i-is going out of doow? 
N-Nyuwse. Mawwy, that, I think, be young Petwuchio. 
Juw. W-What's he that fowwows thewe, that wouwd nyot dance? 
N-Nyuwse. *sighs* I *screams* knyow nyot. 
Juw. >_< Go ask his n-nyame.- ^w^ If *giggles shyly* he be mawwied, 
My gwave *giggles shyly* is wike to be my wedding bed. 
Nyuwse. His *cuddles you* nyame is Womeo, >_> and a Montague, 
The onwy son o-of youw gweat enyemy. 
Juw. My onwy wove, spwung fwom my o-onwy hate! 
Too eawwy seen unknyown, and knyown too wate! 
Pwodigious biwth *twerks* of w-wove it is to me 
That I must wove *blushes* a woathed enyemy. 
Nyuwse. W-What's this? what's this? 
Juw. A whyme I weawnt even nyow 
Of onye *sighs* I d-danc'd withaw. 
O-Onye cawws *blushes* within, '-'Juwiet.' 
Nyuwse. Anyon, anyon! 
Come, wet's away; the stwangews aww awe gonye. Exeunt. 




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PWOWOGUE 

Entew *sweats* Chowus. 

Chow. Nyow owd desiwe *leans over* doth in h-his deathbed wie, 
And UwU young affection gapes t-to be his heiw; 
That faiw fow w-which wove g-gwoan'd fow a-and w-wouwd die, 
With tendew Juwiet *cuddles you* match'd, is nyow nyot faiw. 
*hugs tightly* Nyow Womeo >_> is bewov'd, and woves again, 
Awike ^-^ bewitched by the chawm o-of wooks; 
But to h-his foe suppos'd he must compwain, 
And she OwO steaw wove's sweet bait fwom feawfuw *blushes* hooks. 
Being hewd a foe, he may nyot have access 
To bweathe such v-vows as wovews use to sweaw, 
*cries* And she as *blushes* much in wove, hew means much wess 
To meet >_< hew nyew bewoved anywhewe; 
But p-passion wends them *shuffles closer* powew, time means, xDD to meet, 
Temp'wing extwemities *hugs tightly* with extweme sweet. 
Exit. 




ACT II. Scenye I-I. 
A wanye by the waww of *cuddles you* Capuwet's o-owchawd. 

Entew Womeo awonye. 

Wom. C-Can I go fowwawd w-when my *cuddles you* heawt *notices bulge* is hewe? 
Tuwn back, duww eawth, a-and find thy *looks at you* centwe out. 
[Cwimbs the *moans* waww and weaps down w-within >w< it.] 

Entew Benvowio with Mewcutio. 

Ben. Womeo! m-my cousin Womeo! ^.^ Womeo! 
*shuffles closer* Mew. He is wise, 
*giggles shyly* And, xDD on m-my wife, hath s-stow'n him *cries* home to bed. 
Ben. H-He wan t-this way, and *sighs* weapt this owchawd waww. 
:33 Caww, good Mewcutio. 
Mew. Nyay, *sighs* I'ww conjuwe too. 
Womeo! humouws! madman! passion! wovew! 
Appeaw thou in the w-wikenyess :3 of a sigh; 
Speak b-but onye ^-^ whyme, and I am s-satisfied! 
Cwy *sweats* but 'Ay me!' pwonyounce but 'wove' and 'dove'; 
*pokes you* Speak to m-my gossip Venyus onye faiw wowd, 
Onye nyicknyame fow hew puwbwind s-son and heiw, 
*shuffles closer* Young Adam Cupid, he that shot s-so twim 
When King Cophetua wov'd the beggaw maid! 
He *hugs tightly* heaweth nyot, he stiwweth nyot, :33 be *looks away* moveth n-nyot; 
The ape uWu is dead, and :3 I must conjuwe him. 
I conjuwe t-thee *twerks* by Wosawinye's bwight eyes. 
By hew high fowehead and hew scawwet wip, 
By hew finye foot, s-stwaight *moans* weg, uWu and quivewing thigh, 
And the *giggles shyly* demesnyes that thewe adjacent wie, 
That in thy w-wikenyess thou appeaw to us! 
*looks at you* Ben. An if he heaw *leans over* thee, thou wiwt a-angew him. 
*sweats* Mew. This :33 cannyot uWu angew him. 'Twouwd angew him 
To w-waise a-a spiwit in xDD his mistwess' ciwcwe 
Of some stwange nyatuwe, wetting it thewe s-stand 
Tiww she had *moans* waid it and conjuw'd it down. 
That ^-^ wewe some OwO spite; my i-invocation 
Is faiw and h-honyest: in *cries* his mistwess' nyame, 
I conjuwe onwy but to waise up *sweats* him. 
Ben. Come, he hath hid himsewf among these twees 
To b-be consowted with *looks at you* the humowous nyight. 
Bwind is his wove and *notices bulge* best befits the dawk. 
^-^ Mew. If wove be bwind, wove cannyot *teleports behind you* hit the mawk. 
Nyow w-wiww h-he sit undew a medwaw twee 
*cuddles you* And wish his mistwess wewe that kind of fwuit 
A-As maids caww medwaws when they w-waugh a-awonye. 
O, Womeo, that she wewe, O that she wewe 
An open et cetewa, thou a-a *hugs tightly* pop'win UwU peaw! 
Womeo, *cries* good nyight. I-I'ww to my twuckwe-bed; 
This fiewd-bed UwU is too cowd *blushes* fow m-me to sweep. 
*looks at you* Come, shaww we g-go? 
Ben. G-Go t-then, *shuffles closer* fow 'tis in vain 
'To s-seek h-him hewe that m-means nyot to b-be found. 
Exeunt. 




Scenye II. 
Capuwet's owchawd. 

uWu Entew Womeo. 

W-Wom. He jests a-at scaws that nyevew fewt a wound. 

Entew Juwiet above at a window. 

B-But s-soft! W-What wight thwough yondew window bweaks? 
It >w< is the East, and :33 Juwiet is the sun! 
Awise, faiw sun, and k-kiww the envious m-moon, 
*teleports behind you* Who is awweady sick and pawe with gwief 
That :33 thou hew maid awt faw mowe faiw than she. 
Be nyot hew maid, *teleports behind you* since she is envious. 
Hew vestaw wivewy is but sick and *hugs tightly* gween, 
And nyonye but foows do weaw it. Cast it off. 
It is my w-wady; O-O, it is my wove! 
O-O that she knyew she wewe! 
S-She speaks, yet she says nyothing. What *shuffles closer* of that? 
Hew eye *cries* discouwses; uWu I *pokes you* wiww answew i-it. 
I am too bowd; 'tis nyot to *moans* me she speaks. 
Two of the faiwest *notices bulge* staws in aww the *sweats* heaven, 
Having some businyess, d-do entweat hew eyes 
To twinkwe i-in theiw sphewes tiww they wetuwn. 
What if hew eyes w-wewe thewe, they in hew h-head? 
The bwightnyess of hew cheek wouwd shame those staws 
As daywight d-doth a wamp; hew e-eyes in heaven 
Wouwd :33 thwough the *screams* aiwy w-wegion stweam so bwight 
That biwds w-wouwd sing and think it wewe nyot nyight. 
*cuddles you* See h-how she weans :3 hew cheek upon hew *sweats* hand! 
O that I wewe a gwove upon that hand, 
That I might touch that c-cheek! 
Juw. Ay me! 
*notices bulge* Wom. She speaks. 
O, speak again, bwight *hugs tightly* angew! f-fow thou a-awt 
As gwowious to >w< this nyight, being o'ew my head, 
A-As is a ^w^ winged messengew of heaven 
Unto the w-white-uptuwnyed wond'wing eyes 
Of mowtaws that faww back to gaze on him 
When he >_> bestwides the wazy-pacing *giggles shyly* cwouds 
And s-saiws upon the bosom of the a-aiw. 
J-Juw. O Womeo, Womeo! whewefowe awt thou Womeo? 
Deny thy fathew ^.^ and wefuse thy nyame! 
Ow, if thou wiwt n-nyot, be but swown my wove, 
And I'ww >_< nyo wongew be a Capuwet. 
x3 Wom. [aside] *teleports behind you* Shaww I heaw m-mowe, ow shaww I speak at this? 
Juw. 'Tis but thy nyame that *leans over* is my enyemy. 
*shuffles closer* Thou *moans* awt thysewf, t-though nyot a-a Montague. 
What's Montague? *hugs tightly* it is OwO nyow hand, nyow foot, 
Nyow awm, nyow face, nyow *leans over* any >_> othew pawt 
Bewonging to a man. O, be s-some o-othew n-nyame! 
What's in a nyame? That which we caww a *shuffles closer* wose 
By any othew nyame wouwd *teleports behind you* smeww as sweet. 
So Womeo wouwd, wewe he nyot Womeo caww'd, 
W-Wetain that deaw pewfection w-which h-he owes 
^-^ Without t-that titwe. Womeo, doff thy nyame; 
And fow that nyame, which i-is nyo pawt of thee, 
T-Take aww mysewf. 
Wom. I t-take thee at thy :33 wowd. 
C-Caww m-me but wove, and *giggles shyly* I'ww be n-nyew :3 baptiz'd; 
Hencefowth I nyevew wiww be *notices bulge* Womeo. 
Juw. *sweats* What man awt thou t-that, thus b-bescween'd in nyight, 
So s-stumbwest on my counsew? 
Wom. By a nyame 
I knyow n-nyot how *notices bulge* to teww t-thee x3 who I am. 
My nyame, deaw saint, is hatefuw to *screams* mysewf, 
Because it is an enyemy to thee. 
Had I it *teleports behind you* wwitten, I-I wouwd teaw t-the wowd. 
Juw. My eaws have y-yet nyot dwunk a hundwed *sighs* wowds 
Of that tongue's uttewance, yet I-I knyow the sound. 
Awt thou nyot Womeo, and a ^w^ Montague? 
Wom. Nyeithew, faiw saint, *pokes you* if eithew thee >_> diswike. 
;;w;; Juw. *giggles shyly* How cam'st thou hithew, teww me, *teleports behind you* and whewefowe? 
The owchawd w-wawws awe x3 high and h-hawd *cuddles you* to cwimb, 
And the p-pwace death, considewing who thou awt, 
If any of my k-kinsmen find t-thee hewe. 
Wom. With wove's wight wings did I o'ewpewch these wawws; 
*twerks* Fow stony wimits >_< cannyot howd wove out, 
And what wove can do, ^-^ that dawes wove attempt. 
Thewefowe thy kinsmen awe nyo w-wet to me. 
Juw. If t-they do see t-thee, they wiww muwthew thee. 
Wom. Awack, *teleports behind you* thewe ^w^ wies mowe pewiw in thinye eye 
T-Than twenty of t-theiw swowds! Wook thou but sweet, 
And I-I am p-pwoof a-against t-theiw enmity. 
Juw. I wouwd nyot fow the wowwd *sweats* they saw thee hewe. 
Wom. I have n-nyight's cwoak *shuffles closer* to hide me fwom theiw sight; 
And but thou wove me, wet them find me hewe. 
My wife *twerks* wewe bettew ^w^ ended *hugs tightly* by theiw *looks at you* hate 
Than death p-pwowogued, wanting :3 of thy wove. 
Juw. By whose diwection found'st thou out this pwace? 
Wom. By wove, UwU that fiwst d-did pwompt me to enquiwe. 
*shuffles closer* He *moans* went me counsew, *sweats* and *leans over* I went him eyes. 
I am nyo piwot; yet, ^w^ wewt thou as faw 
As ^-^ that vast showe >_< wash'd with the fawthest s-sea, 
I-I wouwd adventuwe fow >_< such mewchandise. 
Juw. Thou knyowest the mask of n-nyight is on my face; 
Ewse w-wouwd a maiden bwush bepaint *sweats* my c-cheek 
Fow that which thou *sighs* hast heawd *sighs* me speak t-to-nyight. 
Fain wouwd I dweww on fowm- fain, fain deny 
What I have spoke; but ^.^ faweweww compwiment! 
Dost thou wove me, *blushes* I knyow thou wiwt say 'Ay'; 
And I-I wiww take thy wowd. Yet, if *cuddles you* thou sweaw'st, 
*moans* Thou ;;w;; mayst pwove fawse. At wovews' pewjuwies, 
They say J-Jove w-waughs. O g-gentwe Womeo, 
If *notices bulge* thou d-dost *blushes* wove, pwonyounce it faithfuwwy. 
Ow if thou thinkest I am too q-quickwy won, 
*screams* I'ww fwown, and *looks at you* be pewvewse, and say thee ;;w;; nyay, 
So thou OwO wiwt w-woo; >_< but ewse, nyot fow ^-^ the *leans over* wowwd. 
In twuth, faiw Montague, I am too >_> fond, 
And thewefowe thou mayst think my haviouw wight; 
But twust me, *moans* gentweman, >_> I'ww ^.^ pwove mowe twue 
Than those that have mowe cunnying to be stwange. 
I-I s-shouwd have been mowe stwange, I must confess, 
But that thou ovewheawd'st, ewe I-I was wawe, 
My *moans* twue-wove *twerks* passion. Thewefowe pawdon me, 
And nyot impute t-this yiewding x3 to OwO wight wove, 
W-Which the dawk nyight hath so discovewed. 
Wom. Wady, by y-yondew bwessed moon I s-sweaw, 
That *sighs* tips with s-siwvew aww *sweats* these fwuit-twee >_< tops- 
Juw. O, sweaw nyot by the moon, t-th' inconstant moon, 
That monthwy changes in hew ciwcwed o-owb, 
West t-that thy wove pwove wikewise vawiabwe. 
Wom. W-What shaww I-I sweaw by? 
Juw. Do nyot sweaw a-at aww; 
Ow if thou wiwt, sweaw by thy gwacious sewf, 
*leans over* Which is ;;w;; the *screams* god of my idowatwy, 
And I'ww bewieve thee. 
Wom. If ^.^ my *cuddles you* heawt's *moans* deaw wove- 
Juw. Weww, do nyot *hugs tightly* sweaw. Awthough I-I joy in thee, 
I have nyo joy of t-this contwact to-nyight. 
It is *twerks* too wash, too u-unyadvis'd, too sudden; 
Too wike *looks at you* the *pokes you* wightnying, which *teleports behind you* doth c-cease to be 
*cuddles you* Ewe *pokes you* onye can say 'It wightens.' Sweet, g-good n-nyight! 
This bud of w-wove, by *giggles shyly* summew's wipenying *pokes you* bweath, 
May pwove a beauteous fwow'w when nyext UwU we meet. 
Good nyight, good nyight! *screams* As sweet wepose a-and west 
Come to thy heawt as that within my bweast! 
Wom. O, w-wiwt t-thou weave me >_> so u-unsatisfied? 
Juw. What satisfaction c-canst t-thou have to-nyight? 
Wom. Th' exchange of thy wove's faithfuw vow fow minye. 
Juw. I *hugs tightly* gave thee m-minye befowe thou *shuffles closer* didst wequest it; 
And yet I-I wouwd it wewe to give again. 
Wom. Wouwd'st thou withdwaw *hugs tightly* it? F-Fow what puwpose, wove? 
Juw. But to be fwank and give i-it t-thee *notices bulge* again. 
And yet I wish but fow *sighs* the *twerks* thing I h-have. 
uWu My bounty is as boundwess as the sea, 
My wove as d-deep; the *cries* mowe I give to thee, 
The mowe I have, fow b-both awe infinyite. 
I heaw some :3 nyoise *giggles shyly* within. x3 Deaw wove, adieu! 
[Nyuwse] *blushes* cawws within. 
Anyon, good nyuwse! Sweet UwU Montague, be >w< twue. 
Stay UwU but a wittwe, *cries* I w-wiww come again. [Exit.] 
uWu Wom. O bwessed, b-bwessed nyight! I am >_< afeawd, 
Being in nyight, aww ^w^ this :3 is but :33 a dweam, 
Too *hugs tightly* fwattewing-sweet to b-be substantiaw. 

Entew Juwiet *pokes you* above. 

Juw. Thwee wowds, deaw Womeo, and good >_< nyight indeed. 
*looks away* If that thy b-bent ^-^ of wove be *giggles shyly* honyouwabwe, 
Thy puwpose mawwiage, send m-me wowd to-mowwow, 
By onye that I'ww pwocuwe to come to thee, 
Whewe and w-what time *moans* thou w-wiwt pewfowm the w-wite; 
And aww my fowtunyes at thy *screams* foot I'ww way 
*looks at you* And fowwow thee my wowd :3 thwoughout the w-wowwd. 
Nyuwse. (within) Madam! 
Juw. *giggles shyly* I come, anyon.- B-But if thou m-meanyest *notices bulge* nyot weww, 
I do >w< beseech thee- 
*blushes* Nyuwse. (within) Madam! 
*cuddles you* Juw. By-and-by I come.- 
*twerks* To *giggles shyly* cease thy suit a-and weave *looks away* me *twerks* to my g-gwief. 
To-mowwow wiww ^-^ I send. 
Wom. So thwive my souw- 
Juw. A thousand times good n-nyight! Exit. 
Wom. A thousand t-times the w-wowse, to want thy wight! 
Wove goes towawd wove as schoowboys fwom theiw *twerks* books; 
But wove fwom wove, *pokes you* towawds s-schoow with heavy wooks. 

Entew Juwiet a-again, [above]. 

Juw. Hist! Womeo, hist! O-O fow a fawconyew's voice 
To wuwe t-this t-tassew-gentwe back a-again! 
Bondage is hoawse and may nyot speak awoud; 
Ewse wouwd I teaw the OwO cave whewe Echo wies, 
>_> And make hew aiwy tongue mowe hoawse than m-minye 
With wepetition of my Womeo's nyame. 
Womeo! 
Wom. It is my *sighs* souw >_< that cawws upon my nyame. 
How s-siwvew-sweet s-sound w-wovews' tongues by nyight, 
Wike softest *blushes* music to attending eaws! 
Juw. Womeo! 
Wom. M-My deaw? 
Juw. *pokes you* At what o'cwock to-mowwow 
Shaww I send to thee? 
W-Wom. By >_< the :3 houw o-of nyinye. 
^-^ Juw. I w-wiww nyot faiw. 'Tis twenty yeaws tiww t-then. 
I have *teleports behind you* fowgot *twerks* why I did ^w^ caww thee back. 
Wom. Wet me s-stand hewe tiww t-thou wemembew ;;w;; it. 
J-Juw. I shaww fowget, >w< to have *screams* thee stiww stand thewe, 
Wememb'wing how I wove thy company. 
Wom. A-And I'ww stiww stay, to have thee stiww fowget, 
Fowgetting any othew home but this. 
Juw. 'Tis awmost *sweats* mownying. I wouwd *cries* have thee gonye- 
And yet nyo fawthew t-than a wanton's :33 biwd, 
That *notices bulge* wets it hop a wittwe f-fwom h-hew hand, 
Wike a poow pwisonyew in his twisted gyves, 
*pokes you* And with a-a *giggles shyly* siwk thwead pwucks it back again, 
So woving-jeawous :3 of his wibewty. 
Wom. I wouwd I wewe x3 thy biwd. 
J-Juw. *screams* Sweet, s-so wouwd I. 
Yet I shouwd kiww thee with m-much chewishing. 
*cries* Good n-nyight, >_> good nyight! Pawting *giggles shyly* is *twerks* such s-sweet s-sowwow, 
That *blushes* I shaww *twerks* say *screams* good nyight tiww it *giggles shyly* be mowwow. 
[Exit.] 
Wom. Sweep UwU dweww *shuffles closer* upon thinye *sweats* eyes, peace *shuffles closer* in thy bweast! 
Wouwd I w-wewe sweep and peace, so s-sweet to *screams* west! 
Hence wiww :33 I t-to my ghostwy f-fathew's ceww, 
His hewp *hugs tightly* to cwave a-and my x3 deaw hap to teww. 
Exit 




Scenye III. 
Fwiaw W-Wauwence's ceww. 

Entew Fwiaw, [Wauwence] *hugs tightly* awonye, with *hugs tightly* a basket. 

>w< Fwiaw. The gwey-ey'd mown smiwes o-on the f-fwownying nyight, 
Check'wing the E-Eastewn cwouds *cuddles you* with stweaks of wight; 
And f-fwecked dawknyess w-wike a dwunkawd weews 
Fwom fowth *blushes* day's :33 path a-and Titan's fiewy >w< wheews. 
Nyon, ewe the OwO sun advance his buwnying eye 
The *screams* day to >_< cheew and nyight's d-dank dew *giggles shyly* to dwy, 
I m-must u-up-fiww this osiew cage of *notices bulge* ouws 
With bawefuw weeds and pwecious-juiced fwowews. 
The eawth :33 that's *sighs* nyatuwe's m-mothew is *twerks* hew tomb. 
What is hew buwying *screams* gave, that is *sweats* hew >_< womb; 
And fwom hew womb chiwdwen of divews kind 
We sucking *giggles shyly* on *shuffles closer* hew nyatuwaw *screams* bosom find; 
Many fow many viwtues excewwent, 
Nyonye but fow ^-^ some, and yet aww diffewent. 
*looks away* O, mickwe is the powewfuw g-gwace that wies 
In pwants, ^.^ hewbs, stonyes, *screams* and theiw twue quawities; 
Fow nyaught so viwe *leans over* that on the >_< eawth doth w-wive 
But to UwU the e-eawth some ;;w;; speciaw good doth ^.^ give; 
Nyow aught so good but, *moans* stwain'd fwom that faiw use, 
^w^ Wevowts fwom twue b-biwth, stumbwing on abuse. 
*hugs tightly* Viwtue itsewf tuwns vice, being misappwied, 
*screams* And vice sometime's by action dignyified. 
Within the infant wind of this smaww fwowew 
*twerks* Poison ^.^ hath w-wesidence, and medicinye powew; 
F-Fow this, being smewt, with that p-pawt cheews each pawt; 
Being tasted, sways aww senses with the heawt. 
Two s-such *twerks* opposed kings encamp them stiww 
In man as weww as hewbs- gwace *looks away* and wude ;;w;; wiww; 
And whewe the wowsew is pwedominyant, 
F-Fuww soon the cankew d-death eats u-up that pwant. 

Entew Womeo. 

*teleports behind you* Wom. Good mowwow, *twerks* fathew. 
Fwiaw. Benyedicite! 
What eawwy tongue so sweet :33 sawuteth me? 
Young son, it awgues a distempewed head 
So soon to bid >_< good mowwow to thy bed. 
Cawe keeps his watch in evewy owd man's e-eye, 
And whewe cawe wodges s-sweep wiww nyevew wie; 
But whewe unbwuised youth with unstuff'd bwain 
Doth couch his wimbs, thewe gowden sweep doth weign. 
Thewefowe thy eawwinyess *sighs* doth me assuwe 
Thou awt upwous'd with some d-distemp'watuwe; 
Ow if n-nyot so, then hewe I hit it wight- 
Ouw *looks away* Womeo hath nyot been in bed to-nyight. 
Wom. That wast i-is ^.^ twue-the sweetew west was minye. 
Fwiaw. God pawdon sin! Wast thou with Wosawinye? 
Wom. With Wosawinye, *twerks* my ghostwy fathew? Nyo. 
I *screams* have fowgot that nyame, and that nyame's w-woe. 
F-Fwiaw. *cries* That's my good s-son! But whewe hast thou been then? 
>w< Wom. I'ww teww t-thee ewe *teleports behind you* thou ask it me again. 
I-I have been feasting w-with minye e-enyemy, 
W-Whewe on *sighs* a s-sudden onye hath wounded me 
That's by me wounded. :33 Both ouw wemedies 
Within *notices bulge* thy :33 hewp *twerks* and howy physic wies. 
*twerks* I beaw *looks at you* nyo h-hatwed, bwessed man, fow, wo, 
M-My intewcession wikewise steads my foe. 
F-Fwiaw. Be p-pwain, good son, and homewy in ^w^ thy d-dwift 
Widdwing confession finds but widdwing shwift. 
Wom. :3 Then pwainwy *twerks* knyow my heawt's d-deaw wove is set 
On the *sighs* faiw daughtew of wich Capuwet; 
A-As minye UwU on h-hews, so hews is set on uWu minye, 
And aww combin'd, save what t-thou must combinye 
By howy mawwiage. *sweats* When, and whewe, *moans* and how 
We met, we woo'd, and made exchange *looks away* of vow, 
I'ww teww thee *cries* as we pass; but this I pway, 
That thou consent to mawwy us to-day. 
Fwiaw. Howy S-Saint Fwancis! W-What *cries* a change is hewe! 
Is Wosawinye, that thou didst w-wove so *shuffles closer* deaw, 
So *hugs tightly* soon fowsaken? Y-Young men's wove then *blushes* wies 
N-Nyot twuwy i-in theiw ^-^ heawts, but in *giggles shyly* theiw eyes. 
Jesu Mawia! What a deaw of *moans* bwinye 
Hath wash'd thy sawwow cheeks fow Wosawinye! 
*leans over* How much *twerks* sawt watew thwown away in *sighs* waste, 
T-To season wove, that of it doth nyot taste! 
*sweats* The *blushes* sun nyot yet x3 thy sighs *sweats* fwom heaven cweaws, 
Thy owd gwoans *sweats* wing yet in minye ancient eaws. 
;;w;; Wo, h-hewe upon thy cheek *pokes you* the stain doth sit 
O-Of an owd teaw that is nyot wash'd *looks away* off *teleports behind you* yet. 
If e'ew *teleports behind you* thou wast ^w^ thysewf, and these woes t-thinye, 
OwO Thou and t-these woes wewe aww fow Wosawinye. 
And awt t-thou chang'd? Pwonyounce this sentence t-then: 
*hugs tightly* Women >w< may faww when t-thewe's n-nyo stwength in men. 
Wom. Thou chid'st me oft fow woving Wosawinye. 
*giggles shyly* Fwiaw. Fow doting, nyot fow woving, pupiw minye. 
Wom. ^.^ And bad'st me buwy wove. 
^w^ Fwiaw. Nyot in a gwave 
To way onye *blushes* in, anyothew out to have. 
W-Wom. I-I >_< pway thee c-chide nyot. She whom I wove nyow 
D-Doth g-gwace fow gwace and wove fow w-wove awwow. 
The *giggles shyly* othew did nyot so. 
Fwiaw. *giggles shyly* O, s-she UwU knyew w-weww 
Thy wove did wead by wote, that couwd ;;w;; nyot speww. 
But come, young wavewew, come *hugs tightly* go with me. 
*sighs* In onye wespect I'ww t-thy assistant *looks away* be; 
Fow this awwiance may so happy pwove 
To tuwn *looks away* youw househowds' wancouw to puwe wove. 
W-Wom. O-O, wet us ^.^ hence! I stand on s-sudden haste. 
Fwiaw. Wisewy, and swow. They *shuffles closer* stumbwe *looks away* that wun fast. 
Exeunt. 




Scenye *blushes* IV. 
A-A stweet. 

Entew Benvowio and Mewcutio. 

Mew. W-Whewe the deviw shouwd this W-Womeo b-be? 
Came he nyot *looks away* home t-to-nyight? 
Ben. Nyot to his fathew's. I-I spoke with his m-man. 
Mew. Why, that same pawe hawd-heawted ^-^ wench, that ^.^ Wosawinye, 
Towments him so that he wiww suwe wun mad. 
Ben. Tybawt, the kinsman to owd C-Capuwet, 
*cuddles you* Hath sent a wettew to his fathew's house. 
Mew. A chawwenge, on my >_< wife. 
Ben. *screams* Womeo wiww answew it. 
Mew. Any man that x3 can x3 wwite may a-answew uWu a wettew. 
Ben. Nyay, he wiww answew the wettew's mastew, how he dawes, being 
dawed. 
Mew. Awas, poow Womeo, he is awweady dead! stabb'd with a white 
w-wench's bwack eye; shot thwough the eaw with a-a wove *shuffles closer* song; the 
vewy pin of his *cuddles you* heawt cweft with the bwind bow-boy's butt-shaft; 
and i-is he a man to encountew ^w^ Tybawt? 
Ben. Why, what is Tybawt? 
Mew. Mowe *cuddles you* than Pwince of Cats, I can teww you. O, *giggles shyly* he's the 
couwageous captain of compwiments. *cries* He ^.^ fights as you s-sing 
p-pwicksong-keeps time, distance, *notices bulge* and pwopowtion; wests *cuddles you* me his 
minyim west, onye, two, :3 and the t-thiwd in *screams* youw bosom! UwU the vewy 
butchew of a *notices bulge* siwk button, a duewwist, a d-duewwist! a *looks away* gentweman o-of 
the *sweats* vewy fiwst house, of the fiwst and s-second cause. Ah, the 
immowtaw passado! the punto wevewse! the h-hay. 
Ben. The what? 
Mew. The pox *leans over* of such antic, *pokes you* wisping, affecting fantasticoes- t-these 
nyew tunyews o-of accent! 'By Jesu, a-a *cries* vewy good bwade! a vewy taww 
man! a *leans over* vewy g-good whowe!' Why, is nyot this a wamentabwe thing, 
gwandsiw, that we shouwd be thus affwicted with these s-stwange 
fwies, these fashion-mongews, these pawdonya-mi's, who stand so 
much xDD on the nyew fowm that *looks away* they uWu cannyot sit a-at ^w^ ease on t-the owd 
bench? O, theiw b-bonyes, theiw b-bonyes! 

E-Entew Womeo. 

*looks at you* Ben. Hewe comes W-Womeo! hewe comes Womeo! 
Mew. Without his *giggles shyly* woe, wike a *cuddles you* dwied :3 hewwing. O *screams* fwesh, f-fwesh, how awt 
thou >_> fishified! Nyow is h-he fow the n-nyumbews that Petwawch fwowed 
in. Wauwa, t-to his wady, *sighs* was but a-a kitchen *shuffles closer* wench (mawwy, she had a 
*looks away* bettew wove to xDD bewhyme hew), Dido a dowdy, *shuffles closer* Cweopatwa >_< a gypsy, 
Hewen and uWu Hewo hiwdings and hawwots, This b-be a gway eye ow so, 
but nyot to the puwpose. Signyiow Womeo, bon j-jouw! Thewe's a Fwench 
sawutation *hugs tightly* to youw Fwench swop. You gave us t-the countewfeit 
faiwwy wast nyight. 
Wom. Good mowwow to you both. What countewfeit did I give you? 
^-^ Mew. The ;;w;; swip, s-siw, the swip. Can you nyot conceive? 
Wom. Pawdon, good Mewcutio. My b-businyess was gweat, and in such a 
case ^-^ as minye *screams* a >_< man may *cries* stwain couwtesy. 
Mew. That's as m-much as to say, *notices bulge* such a *cuddles you* case as youws constwains a 
m-man to bow in the x3 hams. 
Wom. Meanying, to cuwsy. 
Mew. Thou hast most kindwy hit it. 
Wom. ^-^ A most *sighs* couwteous exposition. 
M-Mew. Nyay, I am the vewy pink >_> of couwtesy. 
Wom. *shuffles closer* Pink fow fwowew. 
Mew. Wight. 
Wom. Why, then is my pump weww-fwowew'd. 
Mew. Weww said! Fowwow me t-this jest nyow tiww thou hast wown out thy 
pump, t-that, when the singwe sowe of it is w-wown, the UwU jest may 
wemain, aftew the weawing, sowewy *looks away* singuwaw. 
Wom. O singwe-sowd jest, sowewy s-singuwaw fow the singwenyess! 
>_< Mew. C-Come between >_< us, good Benvowio! M-My wits faint. 
Wom. Swits and spuws, swits >_> and spuws! ow I'ww cwy a match. 
Mew. Nyay, if ouw wits *looks at you* wun the wiwd-goose uWu chase, I am donye; fow thou 
hast mowe of the wiwd goose in onye o-of thy wits than, I am suwe, I 
*looks at you* have in my whowe five. Was I with *giggles shyly* you thewe fow the goose? 
Wom. Thou wast nyevew with me fow anything when thou wast n-nyot thewe 
fow the goose. 
M-Mew. I wiww bite thee by t-the eaw fow that *sweats* jest. 
*sighs* Wom. Nyay, good goose, bite nyot! 
M-Mew. Thy wit is a vewy bittew sweeting; it is a most shawp sauce. 
Wom. And is it n-nyot, then, weww sewv'd in *teleports behind you* to >w< a sweet goose? 
Mew. O, hewe's a *giggles shyly* wit of chevewiw, that stwetches fwom a-an inch 
nyawwow to an eww bwoad! 
Wom. *giggles shyly* I stwetch it out *teleports behind you* fow that wowd 'bwoad,' which, added to the 
goose, pwoves *cuddles you* thee faw and wide a bwoad goose. 
Mew. Why, is nyot this bettew nyow than gwoanying fow w-wove? Nyow awt 
thou s-sociabwe, nyow awt thou Womeo; nyow awt thou what thou awt, by 
awt as weww as by nyatuwe. Fow this dwivewwing wove is wike a 
gweat nyatuwaw that wuns wowwing ^w^ up and down to hide his *looks at you* baubwe in 
a howe. 
*giggles shyly* Ben. Stop t-thewe, stop thewe! 
Mew. Thou desiwest m-me to s-stop in my tawe against the haiw. 
Ben. T-Thou w-wouwdst ewse have made thy tawe wawge. 
Mew. O, thou awt deceiv'd! I :33 wouwd have made it showt; fow I ^.^ was 
*blushes* come to t-the whowe *hugs tightly* depth of my tawe, and meant indeed to occupy 
the awgument nyo *cuddles you* wongew. 
*looks at you* Wom. *shuffles closer* Hewe's ^.^ goodwy g-geaw! 

Entew *teleports behind you* Nyuwse and >_> hew Man [Petew]. 

*screams* Mew. A saiw, a-a s-saiw! 
Ben. Two, two! a s-shiwt and x3 a s-smock. 
Nyuwse. P-Petew! 
Petew. Anyon. 
N-Nyuwse. My fan, P-Petew. 
Mew. Good Petew, to hide hew face; fow hew *looks at you* fan's the faiwew face of 
*twerks* the two. 
Nyuwse. God ye g-good mowwow, g-gentwemen. 
Mew. God ye *cries* good-den, faiw ^w^ gentwewoman. 
Nyuwse. *blushes* Is it good-den? 
Mew. 'Tis nyo wess, I teww y-ye; f-fow the bawdy hand of t-the d-diaw is nyow 
upon the pwick o-of n-nyoon. 
*sweats* Nyuwse. *teleports behind you* Out upon y-you! W-What a *cries* man awe you! 
Wom. Onye, *leans over* gentwewoman, that *moans* God h-hath made fow *pokes you* himsewf to maw. 
Nyuwse. By ^-^ my twoth, i-it is weww said. 'Fow *screams* himsewf to maw,' quoth 
'a? Gentwemen, can any o-of y-you teww me whewe I may find the young 
Womeo? 
Wom. I can teww you; b-but young Womeo *teleports behind you* wiww be owdew when :33 you have 
found *shuffles closer* him than he was when you sought *sweats* him. *sighs* I am the y-youngest of 
that nyame, fow f-fauwt of a-a wowse. 
Nyuwse. You say weww. 
Mew. Yea, *teleports behind you* is the wowst weww? Vewy weww took, i' f-faith! wisewy, 
wisewy. 
Nyuwse. I-If you be he, siw, I d-desiwe some c-confidence w-with y-you. 
Ben. S-She wiww endite him to some >_> suppew. 
Mew. A *cries* bawd, *cries* a bawd, a bawd! So ho! 
Wom. What hast thou found? 
Mew. Nyo :3 hawe, siw; u-unwess a-a *cuddles you* hawe, siw, x3 in a wenten ;;w;; pie, that is 
something stawe ;;w;; and hoaw OwO ewe *leans over* it be s-spent 
He wawks :33 by x3 them uWu and sings. 

An owd hawe hoaw, 
*cuddles you* And an owd hawe hoaw, 
^.^ Is vewy good meat *teleports behind you* in *looks away* Went; 
But *moans* a h-hawe that is hoaw 
Is too much *blushes* fow a scowe 
xDD When i-it hoaws ewe it *giggles shyly* be spent. 

Womeo, ^.^ wiww you come to youw ^.^ fathew's? We'ww ^-^ to dinnyew thithew. 
W-Wom. I wiww fowwow you. 
Mew. ;;w;; Faweweww, ancient wady. Faweweww, 
[sings] wady, wady, >_< wady. 
Exeunt *sighs* Mewcutio, Benvowio. 
Nyuwse. Mawwy, f-faweweww! I Pway you, Siw, what saucy mewchant *moans* was 
this that was s-so fuww of his xDD wopewy? 
Wom. A gentweman, nyuwse, that woves to heaw himsewf tawk and wiww 
speak mowe in a minyute t-than he wiww stand to in a month. 
Nyuwse. An 'a speak anything against *screams* me, I'ww take him down, an 'a 
w-wewe wustiew than he i-is, and twenty such jacks; >_> and if I cannyot, 
I'ww find ;;w;; those t-that shaww. Scuwvy *sighs* knyave! *sighs* I am nyonye o-of his 
fwiwt-giwws; I am >_> nyonye of his :33 skains-mates. And thou must stand 
b-by too, and suffew evewy knyave to use me at *looks at you* his >_< pweasuwe! 
Petew. I :3 saw nyo man use you at h-his p-pweasuwe. If I-I had, my weapon 
shouwd *hugs tightly* quickwy have been out, *teleports behind you* I wawwant you. I dawe dwaw *looks away* as s-soon 
as anyothew man, i-if I *shuffles closer* see uWu occasion in *screams* a good quawwew, and t-the >_> waw 
*sighs* on my side. 
;;w;; Nyuwse. Nyow, afowe *moans* God, I a-am so vexed that evewy pawt about me 
quivews. Scuwvy knyave! Pway *leans over* you, siw, a-a wowd; and, as *hugs tightly* I towd you, 
m-my young *leans over* wady bid me enquiwe :3 you out. What x3 she ^-^ bid me say, I wiww 
k-keep to mysewf; but fiwst wet me UwU teww ye, if ye shouwd wead h-hew 
into *leans over* a foow's pawadise, as they say, it wewe a vewy gwoss k-kind of 
behaviouw, as ^.^ they say; fow the x3 gentwewoman is young; and 
thewefowe, *looks at you* if *pokes you* you ^.^ shouwd deaw doubwe *sweats* with hew, twuwy it wewe an 
iww thing UwU to *notices bulge* be o-off'wed to a-any gentwewoman, and vewy weak deawing. 
*cuddles you* Wom. *sighs* Nyuwse, commend *looks away* me t-to thy wady and mistwess. uWu I pwotest unto 
t-thee- 
Nyuwse. Good heawt, and I faith I w-wiww teww hew as much. Wowd, 
Wowd! s-she wiww be a joyfuw woman. 
Wom. What wiwt t-thou teww x3 hew, nyuwse? Thou dost nyot mawk me. 
Nyuwse. I wiww OwO teww h-hew, siw, that you do pwotest, *looks away* which, as *giggles shyly* I take 
it, is a-a gentwemanwike offew. 
Wom. Bid xDD hew devise 
Some *looks at you* means to come *sighs* to shwift this aftewnyoon; 
And thewe she shaww at Fwiaw xDD Wauwence' ceww 
^w^ Be shwiv'd and mawwied. H-Hewe is fow thy pains. 
Nyuwse. ^-^ Nyo, twuwy, siw; nyot uWu a penny. 
Wom. Go to! I-I say you shaww. 
Nyuwse. This aftewnyoon, siw? Weww, she shaww be thewe. 
Wom. And stay, good nyuwse, behind the abbey waww. 
Within this houw my man shaww be with thee 
And bwing thee cowds made wike a tackwed s-staiw, 
*sweats* Which t-to t-the high *sweats* topgawwant of my joy 
Must be my convoy in the secwet ;;w;; nyight. 
Faweweww. *moans* Be *cries* twusty, and I'ww quit thy >_> pains. 
Faweweww. Commend me UwU to OwO thy mistwess. 
>w< Nyuwse. Nyow God i-in h-heaven bwess thee! ^.^ Hawk *notices bulge* you, siw. 
W-Wom. What say'st thou, my deaw nyuwse? 
Nyuwse. Is *twerks* youw man secwet? Did you nye'ew heaw x3 say, 
Two may keep counsew, putting onye away? 
W-Wom. I-I wawwant thee my man's *moans* as twue as steew. 
Nyuwse. Weww, *shuffles closer* siw, my mistwess is the sweetest wady. Wowd, Wowd! 
when 'twas a wittwe pwating thing- O, thewe *teleports behind you* is a nyobweman in 
*giggles shyly* town, onye Pawis, that wouwd f-fain way knyife aboawd; but she, good 
s-souw, had as UwU wieve see a toad, a *twerks* vewy toad, xDD as see him. ;;w;; I angew 
hew sometimes, a-and OwO teww hew that Pawis i-is *shuffles closer* the pwopewew man; but 
I'ww wawwant you, when I say so, she wooks as pawe as any cwout 
*hugs tightly* in the vewsaw wowwd. Doth nyot *moans* wosemawy and Womeo begin b-both with 
a wettew? 
Wom. Ay, nyuwse; what of that? Both with an W-W. 
Nyuwse. Ah, mockew! that's the dog's *giggles shyly* nyame. W is fow the- Nyo; I knyow 
*notices bulge* it begins with some othew wettew; and she h-hath the pwettiest 
sententious o-of it, o-of you a-and wosemawy, that it wouwd d-do you good 
to *cries* heaw *shuffles closer* it. 
Wom. C-Commend me to thy wady. 
Nyuwse. Ay, *moans* a thousand times. [Exit Womeo.] Petew! 
Petew. Anyon. 
>_< Nyuwse. P-Petew, take my f-fan, and go befowe, >w< and apace. 
E-Exeunt. 




Scenye V. 
Capuwet's owchawd. 

Entew Juwiet. 

Juw. The cwock stwuck n-nyinye *teleports behind you* when I *sighs* did send the *notices bulge* nyuwse; 
In hawf an houw she 'pwomis'd to wetuwn. 
Pewchance she >_> cannyot meet him. *pokes you* That's nyot *pokes you* so. 
O, she is wame! Wove's hewawds shouwd b-be thoughts, 
Which ten t-times fastew g-gwide than the sun's :33 beams 
>_< Dwiving back s-shadows ovew wow'wing hiwws. 
Thewefowe d-do :33 nyimbwe-pinyion'd doves dwaw Wove, 
And thewefowe hath the wind-swift Cupid wings. 
Nyow is the sun upon t-the highmost h-hiww 
Of this day's jouwnyey, and fwom nyinye tiww twewve 
Is t-thwee wong houws; yet x3 she *giggles shyly* is nyot *twerks* come. 
Had she affections and wawm youthfuw bwood, 
>w< She wouwd be as *cuddles you* swift in motion as a baww; 
;;w;; My wowds w-wouwd bandy hew to my sweet wove, 
And his to *cuddles you* me, 
But o-owd fowks, :33 many feign as they wewe dead- 
U-Unwiewdy, swow, heavy and pawe as *screams* wead. 

Entew Nyuwse [and Petew]. 

O God, ;;w;; she c-comes! O honyey nyuwse, what uWu nyews? 
>_< Hast thou met with him? Send thy man a-away. 
Nyuwse. Petew, stay a-at the gate. 
[Exit P-Petew.] 
*hugs tightly* Juw. Nyow, good s-sweet nyuwse- O Wowd, why wook'st thou sad? 
Though nyews be sad, y-yet teww them mewwiwy; 
I-If good, t-thou x3 shamest OwO the music of sweet nyews 
By pwaying it to me with s-so souw a face. 
N-Nyuwse. I am aweawy, give me weave awhiwe. 
F-Fie, h-how my bonyes a-ache! What a *cries* jaunce have xDD I had! 
Juw. I w-wouwd *notices bulge* thou hadst my bonyes, a-and I thy >w< nyews. 
Nyay, come, I pway thee speak. Good, g-good nyuwse, s-speak. 
Nyuwse. Jesu, what haste! Can you nyot *twerks* stay awhiwe? 
D-Do you nyot see that I *screams* am out of bweath? 
Juw. How uWu awt thou out of bweath when thou hast *leans over* bweath 
To say to me *notices bulge* that thou a-awt *cries* out of bweath? 
The excuse that thou dost *moans* make in this deway 
Is wongew than the tawe thou *giggles shyly* dost *sweats* excuse. 
*teleports behind you* Is thy nyews good ow bad? Answew *giggles shyly* to t-that. 
*looks away* Say eithew, and I'ww stay uWu the *screams* ciwcumstance. 
W-Wet m-me b-be satisfied, i-is't good ^-^ ow bad? 
*cuddles you* Nyuwse. Weww, you have made *pokes you* a *blushes* simpwe choice; you knyow nyot how to 
*teleports behind you* choose a man. Womeo? *shuffles closer* Nyo, n-nyot *shuffles closer* he. *twerks* Though his f-face be b-bettew than 
any man's, yet *sweats* his weg excews *cuddles you* aww men's; and fow a hand and a 
foot, and a body, though t-they b-be nyot to *sweats* be *twerks* tawk'd on, y-yet they 
awe past compawe. He i-is nyot the fwowew of couwtesy, b-but, I'ww 
wawwant him, as g-gentwe as a wamb. Go thy w-ways, wench; s-sewve G-God. 
What, have you din'd at :33 home? 
Juw. Nyo, nyo. But aww this did I knyow *twerks* befowe. 
What says h-he of ouw mawwiage? What of *shuffles closer* that? 
Nyuwse. Wowd, how my head aches! W-What a head have I! 
It ^-^ beats as it wouwd faww in twenty pieces. 
My back o' t' othew side,- :33 ah, ;;w;; my back, my >w< back! 
Beshwew youw h-heawt *shuffles closer* fow sending me *screams* about 
To catch my *notices bulge* death with jauncing up and down! 
Juw. I-I' *moans* faith, I am s-sowwy that thou awt n-nyot weww. 
Sweet, sweet, Sweet nyuwse, teww me, what says my >_< wove? 
Nyuwse. *sighs* Youw wove says, wike :33 an honyest gentweman, and a c-couwteous, 
and a-a kind, and a handsome; and, I wawwant, a v-viwtuous- Whewe is 
y-youw *notices bulge* mothew? 
Juw. Whewe is *cries* my mothew? Why, she is within. 
Whewe shouwd she b-be? How oddwy uWu thou wepwiest! 
'Youw wove says, wike an honyest x3 gentweman, 
"Whewe i-is *cries* youw mothew?"' 
Nyuwse. O God's Wady deaw! 
Awe you so hot? *teleports behind you* Mawwy come up, I twow. 
*screams* Is this the pouwtice fow my aching bonyes? 
Hencefowwawd do youw messages youwsewf. 
*blushes* Juw. Hewe's such *moans* a coiw! x3 Come, what *looks at you* says *pokes you* Womeo? 
Nyuwse. Have you >_< got weave *hugs tightly* to go to shwift *screams* to-day? 
Juw. I have. 
Nyuwse. Then hie *pokes you* you hence to Fwiaw Wauwence' ceww; 
uWu Thewe stays a *cries* husband to make ^.^ you a wife. 
Nyow comes the wanton bwood *pokes you* up in youw cheeks: 
They'ww be in scawwet s-stwaight at any nyews. 
Hie you to chuwch; I must *teleports behind you* anyothew way, 
To fetch >_> a waddew, b-by the *blushes* which youw wove 
Must c-cwimb a-a biwd's nyest soon when it is dawk. 
I am the dwudge, and toiw *twerks* in youw dewight; 
But ;;w;; you shaww beaw t-the buwthen *pokes you* soon at nyight. 
G-Go; I'ww to dinnyew; hie UwU you to the ceww. 
J-Juw. Hie to high fowtunye! Honyest nyuwse, faweweww. 
Exeunt. 




Scenye *giggles shyly* VI. 
^-^ Fwiaw *pokes you* Wauwence's ceww. 

Entew Fwiaw [Wauwence] a-and Womeo. 

Fwiaw. So smiwe the heavens *sweats* upon this howy act 
*notices bulge* That aftew-houws with sowwow c-chide us nyot! 
Wom. ^w^ Amen, amen! But come what sowwow can, 
It cannyot *hugs tightly* countewvaiw the exchange of joy 
That onye showt minyute g-gives me i-in hew sight. 
Do thou b-but *teleports behind you* cwose ouw hands with howy wowds, 
Then wove-devouwing death do what he dawe- 
It is enyough I may but caww h-hew *looks at you* minye. 
^.^ Fwiaw. T-These viowent dewights have viowent *cuddles you* ends 
And in t-theiw t-twiumph die, wike fiwe a-and powdew, 
Which, as they kiss, consume. The sweetest honyey 
*screams* Is woathsome in his o-own *cuddles you* dewiciousnyess 
And in t-the taste confounds ;;w;; the appetite. 
^w^ Thewefowe wove modewatewy: wong wove d-doth s-so; 
Too ;;w;; swift awwives as tawdy *moans* as too swow. 

Entew Juwiet. 

Hewe ^w^ comes the wady. *pokes you* O, *sighs* so wight a-a *hugs tightly* foot 
Wiww n-nye'ew weaw out the evewwasting fwint. 
A-A wovew may bestwide the gossamew 
That idwes in ^-^ the wanton summew aiw, 
And yet nyot faww; so wight i-is vanyity. 
Juw. G-Good even ;;w;; to my ghostwy confessow. 
Fwiaw. Womeo shaww t-thank thee, daughtew, fow us both. 
Juw. As *sweats* much to >_> him, ewse is his thanks too much. 
Wom. Ah, J-Juwiet, if *cries* the measuwe of *cuddles you* thy joy 
Be heap'd wike >_> minye, and that thy skiww be m-mowe 
To bwazon it, then sweeten with x3 thy bweath 
T-This nyeighbouw aiw, and :33 wet wich music's tongue 
Unfowd the imagin'd happinyess that both 
Weceive in eithew by this deaw encountew. 
Juw. *giggles shyly* Conceit, m-mowe wich in mattew than in *giggles shyly* wowds, 
Bwags of xDD his s-substance, nyot of ownyament. 
They a-awe b-but beggaws that can count theiw xDD wowth; 
But my twue wove is gwown to such e-excess 
cannyot sum up sum of hawf my weawth. 
Fwiaw. C-Come, come with me, and we wiww make showt wowk; 
Fow, by youw *looks at you* weaves, you shaww :3 nyot *leans over* stay awonye 
Tiww Howy Chuwch incowpowate two in onye. 
[-[Exeunt.] 




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ACT *cuddles you* III. Scenye I. 
A pubwic pwace. 

Entew M-Mewcutio, *notices bulge* Benvowio, and Men. 

Ben. I-I p-pway t-thee, good *cuddles you* Mewcutio, wet's wetiwe. 
The day is hot, *teleports behind you* the Capuwets ^w^ abwoad. 
A-And if we meet, :3 we shaww nyot scape :3 a bwaww, 
*pokes you* Fow nyow, these *twerks* hot days, *cuddles you* is the :3 mad b-bwood stiwwing. 
Mew. Thou a-awt wike onye of these fewwows that, when he entews the 
*shuffles closer* confinyes of a t-tavewn, cwaps me his swowd upon t-the >_< tabwe and says 
'God s-send m-me nyo nyeed of thee!' and by OwO the opewation o-of the second 
*looks away* cup dwaws him >w< on the :33 dwawew, when indeed thewe is nyo nyeed. 
Ben. Am I wike such a fewwow? 
Mew. Come, come, thou awt as hot a j-jack in t-thy mood as a-any in 
Itawy; OwO and as s-soon moved to be moody, and OwO as soon moody to be 
m-moved. 
Ben. And what to? 
M-Mew. *cries* Nyay, an t-thewe w-wewe two such, we shouwd have nyonye showtwy, f-fow 
>_> onye wouwd kiww the othew. Thou! w-why, thou *teleports behind you* wiwt quawwew with a *moans* man 
*leans over* that hath a haiw uWu mowe ow a haiw xDD wess x3 in his beawd than thou hast. 
Thou wiwt quawwew with ^.^ a man fow cwacking nyuts, *looks away* having nyo othew 
*screams* weason *screams* but because thou hast hazew eyes. What e-eye but such an eye 
wouwd spy out such a quawwew? Thy head i-is a-as fuww of quawwews as 
an egg is fuww of *moans* meat; and *pokes you* yet thy head *blushes* hath been beaten as 
addwe UwU as an e-egg fow quawwewwing. Thou h-hast xDD quawweww'd with a m-man 
fow coughing in the *sweats* stweet, b-because he :33 hath wakenyed thy dog that 
hath wain asweep in t-the sun. Didst thou nyot faww o-out w-with a 
taiwow fow ^.^ weawing his nyew doubwet befowe Eastew, with anyothew 
f-fow *screams* tying his nyew s-shoes with an owd wiband? *twerks* And yet thou wiwt 
tutow me *moans* fwom quawwewwing! 
*twerks* Ben. An I wewe so apt to quawwew as t-thou awt, a-any man s-shouwd buy 
the *shuffles closer* fee simpwe of my wife f-fow an houw and a-a quawtew. 
Mew. The fee s-simpwe? O simpwe! 

Entew Tybawt and othews. 

Ben. By my head, hewe come *notices bulge* the Capuwets. 
Mew. By my heew, I cawe nyot. 
Tyb. Fowwow me cwose, fow I wiww speak to them. 
Gentwemen, good den. A wowd w-with onye of you. 
;;w;; Mew. And but onye w-wowd with onye >_> of us? 
Coupwe it with something; UwU make OwO it a xDD wowd and a bwow. 
Tyb. You shaww find me apt ^-^ enyough to that, siw, an you w-wiww give me 
occasion. 
M-Mew. :33 Couwd y-you nyot take some *screams* occasion without giving 
Tyb. Mewcutio, thou consowtest with Womeo. 
Mew. Consowt? What, >_< dost thou make us minstwews? An thou make 
;;w;; minstwews of u-us, wook to uWu heaw nyothing but discowds. Hewe's my 
fiddwestick; hewe's that shaww make you d-dance. Z-Zounds, consowt! 
Ben. We *teleports behind you* tawk hewe i-in the ^w^ pubwic haunt o-of men. 
Eithew withdwaw unto some pwivate p-pwace 
And weason cowdwy of youw gwievances, 
Ow ewse depawt. Hewe aww eyes gaze on us. 
Mew. Men's eyes wewe *sweats* made to *notices bulge* wook, a-and w-wet them *blushes* gaze. 
I wiww nyot budge ^.^ fow *cuddles you* nyo man's pweasuwe, 

Entew *sweats* Womeo. 

Tyb. :33 Weww, peace be with y-you, siw. Hewe comes my man. 
Mew. But I'ww *blushes* be h-hang'd, s-siw, if he weaw youw wivewy. 
Mawwy, go befowe to fiewd, *hugs tightly* he'ww b-be youw f-fowwowew! 
Youw wowship in that *twerks* sense may caww h-him ;;w;; man. 
Tyb. Womeo, t-the wove I *pokes you* beaw thee can affowd 
N-Nyo bettew tewm than ^w^ this: thou awt a v-viwwain. 
W-Wom. Tybawt, the weason that *pokes you* I have t-to w-wove thee 
Doth much excuse *cuddles you* the appewtainying w-wage 
To s-such a-a gweeting. Viwwain am I nyonye. 
Thewefowe faweweww. I see thou knyowest me nyot. 
Tyb. Boy, this shaww nyot excuse the *looks away* injuwies 
That t-thou *hugs tightly* hast *hugs tightly* donye me; thewefowe tuwn and d-dwaw. 
Wom. I do pwotest I nyevew injuw'd t-thee, 
But wove t-thee *leans over* bettew than >_> thou canst devise 
Tiww thou shawt knyow the >_< weason of my wove; 
And so good Capuwet, which *cuddles you* nyame I tendew 
As deawwy as *hugs tightly* minye own, b-be satisfied. 
Mew. ^-^ O c-cawm, dishonyouwabwe, viwe submission! 
Awwa stoccata cawwies it away. [Dwaws.] 
Tybawt, you watcatchew, wiww you w-wawk? 
Tyb. What wouwdst thou have with me? 
Mew. Good King of Cats, n-nyothing ;;w;; but onye of youw n-nyinye wives. That I 
>_> mean *teleports behind you* to make bowd withaw, >_< and, as you shaww use me heweaftew, 
dwy-beat the west of the eight. Wiww you pwuck *looks away* youw swowd out of 
his pitchew *cuddles you* by *pokes you* the eaws? Make *teleports behind you* haste, west >w< minye be about youw e-eaws 
ewe it b-be o-out. 
Tyb. I UwU am fow you. [Dwaws.] 
Wom. Gentwe *leans over* Mewcutio, put t-thy wapiew up. 
:33 Mew. Come, siw, youw passado! 
[They UwU fight.] 
Wom. Dwaw, B-Benvowio; beat down theiw weapons. 
Gentwemen, fow shame! *leans over* fowbeaw this o-outwage! 
Tybawt, Mewcutio, the Pwince expwesswy hath 
*looks away* Fowbid this bandying ^.^ in *moans* Vewonya stweets. 
Howd, T-Tybawt! Good Mewcutio! 
Tybawt undew Womeo's a-awm thwusts Mewcutio in, and f-fwies 
[with his >_< Fowwowews]. 
*looks at you* Mew. I am huwt. 
*hugs tightly* A p-pwague o' both youw houses! I am sped. 
I-Is he :33 gonye and hath ^w^ nyothing? 
Ben. What, awt thou huwt? 
M-Mew. ;;w;; Ay, ay, a s-scwatch, a-a scwatch. Mawwy, '-'tis enyough. 
Whewe i-is my page? Go, viwwain, fetch a suwgeon. 
[Exit Page.] 
uWu Wom. Couwage, man. The huwt c-cannyot b-be much. 
*shuffles closer* Mew. ^.^ Nyo, 'tis nyot so deep as a weww, *cries* nyow s-so wide as a chuwch doow; 
b-but 'tis enyough, 'twiww sewve. Ask fow UwU me to-mowwow, a-and y-you 
shaww find me a gwave man. I am peppewed, I wawwant, fow this 
wowwd. A-A pwague o' ^w^ both youw houses! Zounds, a dog, a wat, a 
mouse, a cat, t-to scwatch *shuffles closer* a m-man t-to d-death! a-a bwaggawt, a-a wogue, a 
viwwain, that fights b-by the book of awithmetic! Why the deviw 
came you between *moans* us? I was huwt undew youw awm. 
Wom. I-I thought aww fow the b-best. 
Mew. Hewp me into some house, Benvowio, 
Ow I s-shaww faint. A pwague o' both youw h-houses! 
They *screams* have made ^.^ wowms' *looks away* meat of me. I have *notices bulge* it, 
And soundwy too. Youw houses! 
[Exit. [suppowted *teleports behind you* by Benvowio]. 
^-^ Wom. This gentweman, the Pwince's nyeaw awwy, 
*cuddles you* My xDD vewy f-fwiend, hath g-got this m-mowtaw h-huwt 
In my behawf- *notices bulge* my w-weputation stain'd 
With Tybawt's s-swandew- Tybawt, that an UwU houw 
Hath been my k-kinsman. O sweet Juwiet, 
Thy b-beauty *moans* hath made *looks away* me effeminyate 
And in m-my t-tempew soft'nyed ^.^ vawouw's steew 

Entew B-Benvowio. 

Ben. *sweats* O Womeo, Womeo, ^.^ bwave Mewcutio's dead! 
That gawwant OwO spiwit hath aspiw'd the cwouds, 
Which too *giggles shyly* untimewy h-hewe did scown the eawth. 
Wom. This day's bwack fate on moe days *giggles shyly* doth depend; 
This b-but begins the woe othews m-must end. 

Entew Tybawt. 

B-Ben. Hewe comes the *moans* fuwious Tybawt back *sweats* again. 
Wom. Awive in twiumph, and Mewcutio swain? 
Away to heaven wespective wenyity, 
And fiwe-ey'd fuwy b-be my conduct nyow! 
*looks away* Nyow, Tybawt, t-take the 'viwwain' back again 
That wate thou gavest me; fow Mewcutio's souw 
Is but a wittwe w-way above ouw xDD heads, 
Staying fow thinye to keep him company. 
Eithew thou ow I-I, ow both, must go with him. 
T-Tyb. Thou, wwetched boy, that didst consowt him hewe, 
Shawt with him hence. 
Wom. This shaww detewminye that. 
*cries* They f-fight. Tybawt fawws. 
B-Ben. Womeo, away, be gonye! 
The citizens a-awe *screams* up, and Tybawt swain. 
Stand nyot amaz'd. The Pwince wiww doom thee death 
If *pokes you* thou awt taken. Hence, be gonye, away! 
Wom. O-O, I :3 am f-fowtunye's foow! 
Ben. W-Why dost thou stay? 
Exit Womeo. 
Entew xDD Citizens. 

Citizen. Which *looks away* way wan *leans over* he that kiww'd Mewcutio? 
Tybawt, that muwthewew, which way w-wan he? 
Ben. T-Thewe wies that Tybawt. 
Citizen. Up, siw, go *moans* with me. 
I *notices bulge* chawge thee :33 in the P-Pwince's nyame obey. 

Entew P-Pwince [attended], Owd Montague, Capuwet, theiw Wives, 
uWu and [othews]. 

Pwince. Whewe *cuddles you* awe the viwe beginnyews o-of this f-fway? 
Ben. O nyobwe P-Pwince. I can discovew aww 
The OwO unwucky manyage *teleports behind you* of this fataw bwaww. 
T-Thewe wies the man, swain by :33 young W-Womeo, 
T-That swew thy kinsman, bwave Mewcutio. 
Cap. Wife. Tybawt, my cousin! O my bwothew's ^w^ chiwd! 
UwU O Pwince! *notices bulge* O husband! >_> O, the bwood *looks at you* is s-spiww'd 
O-Of my deaw kinsman! Pwince, as thou *looks away* awt twue, 
Fow *blushes* bwood o-of ouws shed b-bwood of Montague. 
;;w;; O cousin, cousin! 
P-Pwince. Benvowio, who began *notices bulge* this bwoody fway? 
Ben. Tybawt, hewe swain, w-whom Womeo's hand >_< did stay. 
Womeo, that spoke h-him f-faiw, bid him OwO bethink 
How n-nyice the quawwew was, and uwg'd withaw 
Youw h-high dispweasuwe. Aww this- uttewed 
With *sweats* gentwe bweath, cawm wook, k-knyees OwO humbwy b-bow'd- 
Couwd nyot take twuce with the unwuwy spween 
Of T-Tybawt *moans* deaf to peace, but that he tiwts 
With piewcing steew at bowd Mewcutio's b-bweast; 
Who, aww :33 as hot, tuwns :33 deadwy ^w^ point :3 to point, 
And, with a mawtiaw scown, with *sweats* onye hand beats 
Cowd death uWu aside and with the othew sends 
It ^-^ back t-to T-Tybawt, whose ^-^ dextewity 
Wetowts it. Womeo *looks away* he cwies awoud, 
'Howd, *cuddles you* fwiends! fwiends, pawt!' and swiftew *blushes* than h-his tongue, 
xDD His agiwe awm *leans over* beats down *looks at you* theiw *teleports behind you* fataw :3 points, 
And 'twixt them wushes; undewnyeath whose awm 
An envious thwust fwom Tybawt hit the wife 
Of stout Mewcutio, and then Tybawt fwed; 
*giggles shyly* But by-and-by comes back to *blushes* Womeo, 
*blushes* Who had but nyewwy entewtain'd wevenge, 
And to't they go wike wightnying; fow, ^.^ ewe I 
Couwd *moans* dwaw to >w< pawt them, UwU was ^w^ stout Tybawt >_> swain; 
And, as he feww, did Womeo tuwn *moans* and fwy. 
>w< This is *moans* the twuth, o-ow wet Benvowio die. 
Cap. Wife. He is a kinsman to the Montague; 
Affection m-makes him fawse, he s-speaks nyot twue. 
Some twenty of them fought *leans over* in this *moans* bwack stwife, 
And aww those twenty couwd but kiww onye wife. 
I beg f-fow justice, which thou, Pwince, must >w< give. 
Womeo swew T-Tybawt; Womeo must nyot wive. 
Pwince. Womeo ^w^ swew him; he *giggles shyly* swew Mewcutio. 
*sighs* Who >_< nyow >_> the pwice of x3 his deaw bwood doth owe? 
M-Mon. Nyot >_> Womeo, Pwince; he was Mewcutio's fwiend; 
His fauwt concwudes but what the waw shouwd end, 
T-The wife of Tybawt. 
Pwince. And fow that offence 
I-Immediatewy we do exiwe him hence. 
I have an intewest i-in youw hate's p-pwoceeding, 
My bwood fow x3 youw wude bwawws d-doth wie a-bweeding; 
But I'ww amewce you with so stwong UwU a finye 
*hugs tightly* That you shaww *leans over* aww wepent the woss o-of *pokes you* minye. 
*cries* I w-wiww be deaf xDD to p-pweading and excuses; 
Nyow t-teaws n-nyow pwayews s-shaww puwchase out abuses. 
Thewefowe use nyonye. Wet Womeo hence in haste, 
Ewse, when he is found, that houw is his wast. 
Beaw hence this body, and attend ouw wiww. 
M-Mewcy but muwdews, pawdonying t-those t-that kiww. 
Exeunt. 




Scenye II. 
Capuwet's owchawd. 

>w< Entew Juwiet awonye. 

Juw. G-Gawwop apace, you fiewy-footed steeds, 
Towawds Phoebus' wodging! S-Such a wagonyew 
As Phaeton w-wouwd whip you to the West 
>w< And bwing *sweats* in cwoudy nyight *hugs tightly* immediatewy. 
Spwead thy c-cwose cuwtain, wove-pewfowming :3 nyight, 
That wunyaway eyes may wink, *giggles shyly* and Womeo 
Weap to these awms *shuffles closer* untawk'd >_> of and unseen. 
Wovews can see to *looks away* do theiw amowous wites 
>_< By theiw own beauties; ow, *screams* if wove be bwind, 
I-It best agwees with nyight. C-Come, civiw nyight, 
OwO Thou sobew-suited matwon, aww in UwU bwack, 
And weawn m-me how to wose a-a winnying match, 
OwO Pway'd >_< fow a *hugs tightly* paiw *teleports behind you* of s-stainwess maidenhoods. 
Hood ^-^ my unmann'd bwood, bating in my c-cheeks, 
With thy bwack mantwe t-tiww stwange wove, gwown b-bowd, 
Think *hugs tightly* twue wove acted simpwe *looks away* modesty. 
Come, nyight; >_> come, Womeo; come, t-thou *sighs* day in nyight; 
Fow thou wiwt wie upon the wings of nyight 
Whitew than n-nyew snyow upon a waven's back. 
Come, gentwe nyight; come, woving, bwack-bwow'd nyight; 
G-Give me my ^w^ Womeo; and, when h-he shaww die, 
Take him a-and cut him out in wittwe staws, 
And he wiww m-make the face o-of heaven so finye 
That aww *sighs* the wowwd wiww be in wove with nyight 
And pay nyo wowship to the gawish sun. 
O-O, I have bought the mansion of >_> a wove, 
But :33 nyot possess'd it; and though I am sowd, 
Nyot yet enjoy'd. S-So tedious is this *shuffles closer* day 
As *cries* is the *looks at you* nyight befowe s-some *looks away* festivaw 
To a-an impatient chiwd that hath *screams* nyew wobes 
And may nyot w-weaw them. O, hewe comes my nyuwse, 

*looks at you* Entew Nyuwse, with :3 cowds. 

And she bwings nyews; and evewy tongue that speaks 
But Womeo's nyame speaks heavenwy ewoquence. 
Nyow, nyuwse, what nyews? What hast t-thou thewe? the cowds 
That Womeo bid thee *looks away* fetch? 
Nyuwse. xDD Ay, ay, the cowds. 
[Thwows them *hugs tightly* down.] 
Juw. A-Ay me! w-what nyews? Why dost thou *sweats* wwing thy hands 
UwU Nyuwse. A-Ah, wewaday! *teleports behind you* he's d-dead, he's dead, he's *sweats* dead! 
We OwO awe undonye, wady, we awe undonye! 
A-Awack the day! he's gonye, he's kiww'd, he's dead! 
Juw. Can heaven be so envious? 
N-Nyuwse. Womeo can, 
Though heaven c-cannyot. O Womeo, Womeo! 
Who evew wouwd have thought it? Womeo! 
Juw. What deviw awt thou that d-dost towment me thus? 
This towtuwe s-shouwd be woaw'd in dismaw heww. 
:33 Hath Womeo s-swain himsewf? Say thou UwU but 'I,' 
And *moans* that bawe vowew '-'I' shaww poison mowe 
*notices bulge* Than t-the death-dawting eye of *twerks* cockatwice. 
I a-am nyot I-I, if thewe be such a-an ^w^ 'I'; 
O-Ow those eyes *shuffles closer* shut that m-make thee answew 'I.' 
If be be swain, say 'I'; ow :33 if *looks at you* nyot, '-'nyo.' 
Bwief sounds detewminye of m-my weaw *sweats* ow woe. 
Nyuwse. I saw the wound, I saw *cries* it w-with minye eyes, 
(God :33 save the mawk!) hewe o-on his manwy bweast. 
*hugs tightly* A p-piteous cowse, a bwoody piteous cowse; 
Pawe, pawe *twerks* as ashes, aww bedaub'd in bwood, 
Aww OwO in gowe-bwood. I swounded at the s-sight. 
J-Juw. O, bweak, my heawt! poow *looks at you* bankwout, bweak at *teleports behind you* once! 
To p-pwison, eyes; nye'ew *notices bulge* wook on wibewty! 
Viwe eawth, ^w^ to eawth wesign; end motion hewe, 
*cries* And thou a-and Womeo pwess ^.^ onye heavy biew! 
Nyuwse. O Tybawt, Tybawt, t-the best fwiend I had! 
O *cuddles you* couwteous Tybawt! honyest gentweman 
That evew I shouwd wive t-to see thee dead! 
Juw. W-What stowm is this that *screams* bwows so contwawy? 
Is Womeo swaught'wed, and *cries* is Tybawt dead? 
>_> My deaw-wov'd cousin, UwU and my *looks away* deawew wowd? 
Then, dweadfuw twumpet, sound the *blushes* genyewaw doom! 
Fow who is wiving, if those t-two awe gonye? 
Nyuwse. Tybawt i-is g-gonye, and Womeo banyished; 
Womeo t-that kiww'd h-him, he is banyished. 
Juw. O God! Did Womeo's hand shed Tybawt's bwood? 
Nyuwse. I-It did, it did! awas t-the day, it did! 
Juw. O-O sewpent heawt, hid *looks away* with a fwow'wing face! 
^.^ Did evew dwagon keep s-so faiw a cave? 
Beautifuw :3 tywant! fiend angewicaw! 
Dove-feathew'd waven! *moans* wowvish-wavenying w-wamb! 
Despised substance of d-divinyest s-show! 
Just *pokes you* opposite to what thou justwy seem'st- 
A damnyed saint, a-an h-honyouwabwe viwwain! 
O *sweats* nyatuwe, ;;w;; what hadst t-thou to ;;w;; do in heww 
When *moans* thou didst bowew the spiwit of >_> a *teleports behind you* fiend 
In mowtaw pawadise of such sweet fwesh? 
Was evew *sighs* book containying such uWu viwe ^.^ mattew 
So faiwwy bound? O, that deceit s-shouwd d-dweww 
*screams* In such a-a gowgeous pawace! 
Nyuwse. Thewe's nyo twust, 
N-Nyo faith, nyo *shuffles closer* honyesty in men; aww >_> pewjuw'd, 
Aww fowswown, aww nyaught, aww dissembwews. 
Ah, whewe's my >w< man? Give me some a-aqua vitae. 
These gwiefs, these :3 woes, these s-sowwows :33 make *notices bulge* me owd. 
Shame come to *looks away* Womeo! 
Juw. :33 Bwistew'd be thy tongue 
Fow such a-a >w< wish! H-He was ^-^ nyot bown to shame. 
Upon his b-bwow *moans* shame is >_< asham'd *screams* to sit; 
Fow 'tis a-a *sweats* thwonye whewe honyouw *shuffles closer* may b-be cwown'd 
Sowe m-monyawch of the unyivewsaw e-eawth. 
O, what a-a beast was :33 I to chide at him! 
Nyuwse. Wiww you speak weww of him that kiww'd youw cousin? 
J-Juw. S-Shaww I-I speak iww of him that is my *screams* husband? 
Ah, poow my wowd, what tongue s-shaww s-smooth thy nyame 
When I, thy thwee-houws wife, have :3 mangwed it? 
But whewefowe, viwwain, didst t-thou kiww m-my cousin? 
T-That viwwain cousin wouwd have kiww'd my h-husband. 
Back, *giggles shyly* foowish teaws, back to youw *notices bulge* nyative spwing! 
Youw twibutawy dwops >_< bewong to w-woe, 
Which you, mistaking, offew up to j-joy. 
My husband wives, *screams* that x3 Tybawt wouwd have swain; 
And Tybawt's d-dead, that wouwd have swain my husband. 
Aww this is comfowt; whewefowe weep I then? 
Some wowd thewe was, wowsew than Tybawt's *twerks* death, 
T-That xDD muwd'wed me. I wouwd fowget it *looks away* fain; 
But O, it pwesses to my memowy 
Wike :3 damnyed *screams* guiwty deeds to sinnyews' minds! 
'-'Tybawt is dead, and Womeo- banyished.' 
That 'banyished,' *screams* that o-onye *shuffles closer* wowd ^.^ 'banyished,' 
H-Hath *hugs tightly* swain ten thousand ^-^ Tybawts. Tybawt's death 
W-Was woe enyough, if i-it had ended thewe; 
Ow, if s-souw OwO woe dewights in fewwowship 
And nyeedwy wiww be wank'd with othew g-gwiefs, 
UwU Why fowwowed *teleports behind you* nyot, w-when she said 'Tybawt's d-dead,' 
Thy fathew, ow thy mothew, nyay, ow both, 
Which modewn wamentation >_< might have mov'd? 
But with a weawwawd fowwowing x3 Tybawt's death, 
'Womeo is banyished'- to speak that wowd 
Is f-fathew, mothew, Tybawt, Womeo, Juwiet, 
A-Aww swain, aww dead. 'Womeo is >w< banyished'- 
Thewe is n-nyo end, nyo wimit, *giggles shyly* measuwe, bound, 
In that wowd's death; nyo *looks away* wowds can that woe sound. 
Whewe is my fathew and my mothew, nyuwse? 
Nyuwse. W-Weeping ^.^ and waiwing o-ovew T-Tybawt's *pokes you* cowse. 
Wiww you go to them? *looks at you* I wiww bwing *blushes* you t-thithew. 
;;w;; Juw. OwO Wash they his wounds *leans over* with teaws? Minye :3 shaww be spent, 
*screams* When theiws a-awe dwy, fow W-Womeo's banyishment. 
Take up those cowds. Poow wopes, you awe *shuffles closer* beguiw'd, 
Both you *sweats* and I, fow Womeo is exiw'd. 
He made you fow a highway t-to my bed; 
But I, a m-maid, die maiden-widowed. 
Come, cowds; come, nyuwse. I-I'ww to *shuffles closer* my wedding b-bed; 
And d-death, nyot Womeo, take my m-maidenhead! 
N-Nyuwse. Hie *twerks* to youw chambew. :3 I'ww find Womeo 
To comfowt you. I w-wot weww whewe he is. 
*sighs* Hawk >_< ye, youw Womeo wiww ^w^ be h-hewe at nyight. 
I'ww to him; he is hid ^.^ at *cuddles you* Wauwence' ceww. 
Juw. O-O, find him! give t-this wing to >_> my t-twue k-knyight 
And bid him c-come to *pokes you* take his wast faweweww. 
Exeunt. 




Scenye III. 
Fwiaw W-Wauwence's ceww. 

Entew Fwiaw [-[Wauwence]. 

Fwiaw. Womeo, come fowth; come fowth, thou f-feawfuw man. 
*cuddles you* Affwiction is enyanmouw'd o-of *hugs tightly* thy pawts, 
And thou awt wedded to cawamity. 

^w^ Entew Womeo. 

Wom. Fathew, what nyews? What OwO is ^.^ the Pwince's doom 
W-What *shuffles closer* sowwow c-cwaves acquaintance at my hand 
That I yet knyow nyot? 
F-Fwiaw. Too famiwiaw 
Is my deaw son with such souw company. 
I bwing thee tidings of the Pwince's doom. 
W-Wom. What *moans* wess t-than doomsday is the P-Pwince's doom? 
Fwiaw. A-A gentwew judgment ;;w;; vanyish'd fwom his wips- 
Nyot body's death, >_< but body's banyishment. 
Wom. H-Ha, *cries* banyishment? Be mewcifuw, say '-'death'; 
Fow exiwe *sweats* hath x3 mowe tewwow in his >_> wook, 
Much *cries* mowe than death. Do nyot say 'banyishment.' 
Fwiaw. Hence fwom Vewonya awt t-thou *shuffles closer* banyished. 
Be patient, :3 fow t-the wowwd is bwoad and wide. 
Wom. Thewe is nyo wowwd without Vewonya wawws, 
But puwgatowy, towtuwe, heww itsewf. 
Hence banyished is banyish'd fwom t-the wowwd, 
And wowwd's exiwe is death. Then 'banyishment' 
Is death mistewm'd. Cawwing death 'banyishment,' 
T-Thou cut'st my h-head off *teleports behind you* with a gowden *hugs tightly* axe 
And >_> smiwest *cries* upon the stwoke >_< that muwdews me. 
Fwiaw. O deadwy s-sin! O wude unthankfuwnyess! 
Thy fauwt ouw *notices bulge* waw cawws death; but the kind Pwince, 
Taking thy p-pawt, hath wush'd a-aside t-the waw, 
And tuwn'd that *twerks* bwack wowd >w< death to banyishment. 
This is deaw mewcy, and thou seest it nyot. 
Wom. *notices bulge* 'Tis towtuwe, and nyot mewcy. Heaven is hewe, 
Whewe Juwiet wives; and e-evewy cat a-and dog 
^.^ And *sighs* wittwe mouse, evewy unwowthy thing, 
Wive hewe in heaven and may wook on hew; 
But Womeo may nyot. Mowe vawidity, 
M-Mowe h-honyouwabwe s-state, mowe couwtship wives 
In cawwion fwies than Womeo. They may seize 
On the white ^-^ wondew o-of deaw Juwiet's hand 
And steaw immowtaw bwessing fwom h-hew wips, 
Who, even in puwe and vestaw modesty, 
*looks away* Stiww bwush, as *notices bulge* thinking theiw own kisses sin; 
OwO But Womeo may nyot- he is banyished. 
This may fwies do, >_> when I fwom this *sighs* must fwy; 
They awe f-fwee *screams* men, *notices bulge* but I am banyished. 
And sayest thou yet that e-exiwe is nyot d-death? 
Hadst thou nyo poison mix'd, nyo shawp-gwound k-knyife, 
Nyo sudden *teleports behind you* mean of death, *shuffles closer* though nye'ew s-so mean, 
But '-'banyished' to kiww me- 'banyished'? 
*sweats* O >_> fwiaw, the damnyed use that wowd i-in heww; 
Howwing UwU attends it! How hast thou the >w< heawt, 
Being a >_< divinye, UwU a g-ghostwy confessow, 
A sin-absowvew, and m-my fwiend p-pwofess'd, 
To mangwe me with that :3 wowd 'banyished'? 
F-Fwiaw. Thou fond mad man, heaw me a-a wittwe speak. 
Wom. O, t-thou wiwt speak again of *cries* banyishment. 
F-Fwiaw. I'ww give thee a-awmouw to keep off that wowd; 
Advewsity's *sighs* sweet miwk, phiwosophy, 
To comfowt thee, though thou awt banyished. 
W-Wom. Yet 'banyished'? Hang u-up phiwosophy! 
Unwess phiwosophy can make a Juwiet, 
Dispwant a *shuffles closer* town, >_< wevewse a pwince's doom, 
It hewps nyot, it pwevaiws n-nyot. *sighs* Tawk nyo mowe. 
Fwiaw. O, then I see that madmen have nyo *hugs tightly* eaws. 
Wom. How shouwd they, when ^-^ that w-wise men have nyo eyes? 
Fwiaw. Wet *moans* me :3 dispute with thee of thy estate. 
OwO Wom. *moans* Thou c-canst nyot speak of that thou *moans* dost n-nyot feew. 
Wewt *notices bulge* thou a-as young as I-I, J-Juwiet thy wove, 
An h-houw b-but mawwied, Tybawt *blushes* muwdewed, 
Doting wike me, a-and wike m-me banyished, 
T-Then m-mightst t-thou speak, then mightst thou teaw thy haiw, 
And faww upon the gwound, *twerks* as UwU I do nyow, 
Taking the measuwe of x3 an unmade gwave. 
Knyock >_< [within]. 
Fwiaw. Awise; *looks away* onye knyocks. *notices bulge* Good Womeo, hide thysewf. 
Wom. N-Nyot I; unwess the bweath of h-heawtsick x3 gwoans, 
Mist-wike infowd m-me *leans over* fwom the :3 seawch *blushes* of eyes. Knyock. 
F-Fwiaw. Hawk, how xDD they *looks at you* knyock! W-Who's thewe? Womeo, awise; 
Thou w-wiwt be taken.- Stay awhiwe!- Stand up; Knyock. 
Wun to my study.- By-and-by!- God's wiww, 
What simpwenyess is this.- I *cuddles you* come, I come! Knyock. 
Who knyocks so hawd? Whence :3 come you? What's youw wiww 
*looks away* Nyuwse. [within] Wet ^.^ me come in, >_> and you shaww knyow my ewwand. 
*cries* I come f-fwom Wady Juwiet. 
Fwiaw. Wewcome then. 

E-Entew Nyuwse. 

Nyuwse. O howy fwiaw, O, teww me, howy *sweats* fwiaw 
Whewe is my wady's wowd, whewe's Womeo? 
Fwiaw. Thewe on the gwound, w-with his o-own teaws *screams* made dwunk. 
Nyuwse. O, he is even in my m-mistwess' case, 
Just in hew case! 
Fwiaw. ^-^ O woefuw s-sympathy! 
Piteous *notices bulge* pwedicament! 
*cries* Nyuwse. E-Even so wies she, 
Bwubb'wing *blushes* and w-weeping, weeping and bwubbewing. 
*twerks* Stand up, stand up! S-Stand, an *sweats* you be a m-man. 
Fow Juwiet's sake, fow hew s-sake, wise and stand! 
OwO Why shouwd ^-^ you faww into so d-deep an UwU O? 
Wom. (wises) Nyuwse- 
Nyuwse. Ah siw! *sweats* ah siw! Weww, death's the end of aww. 
Wom. Spakest thou of Juwiet? How is it *giggles shyly* with hew? 
Doth nyot she think me an owd muwthewew, 
Nyow *sighs* I *sighs* have stain'd the chiwdhood of ouw joy 
With bwood wemov'd >_> but wittwe fwom hew own? 
Whewe is she? and how doth she! and what says 
My conceaw'd wady to ouw canceww'd wove? 
Nyuwse. *pokes you* O, she *leans over* says nyothing, siw, but weeps and weeps; 
And nyow fawws o-on hew bed, and then stawts up, 
And Tybawt cawws; and then o-on Womeo cwies, 
And then down fawws again. 
Wom. As if t-that nyame, 
Shot fwom the deadwy wevew o-of a gun, 
Did muwthew hew; as that nyame's cuwsed hand 
Muwdew'd hew kinsman. xDD O, teww me, f-fwiaw, teww me, 
In what viwe p-pawt of this anyatomy 
D-Doth my :33 nyame w-wodge? Teww m-me, that I may sack 
The h-hatefuw m-mansion. [Dwaws his daggew.] 
*notices bulge* Fwiaw. Howd thy despewate *sighs* hand. 
*cuddles you* Awt thou a *looks at you* man? *giggles shyly* Thy fowm cwies out thou awt; 
Thy teaws awe womanyish, thy wiwd acts denyote 
The unweasonyabwe fuwy o-of >_> a beast. 
:3 Unseemwy w-woman in a s-seeming man! 
Ow iww-beseeming beast in seeming b-both! 
Thou hast amaz'd me. By *cries* my howy owdew, 
I thought thy disposition bettew *sighs* tempew'd. 
Hast thou swain T-Tybawt? xDD Wiwt *shuffles closer* thou sway thysewf? 
And s-sway thy wady that in thy wife wives, 
By doing ^-^ damnyed hate *screams* upon thysewf? 
Why waiwest thou on thy *sweats* biwth, the heaven, and e-eawth? 
*leans over* Since biwth a-and heaven a-and *sweats* eawth, aww thwee do meet 
In thee at *teleports behind you* once; which thou at o-once wouwdst w-wose. 
Fie, fie, thou shamest t-thy shape, thy wove, thy *cries* wit, 
Which, wike >_< a usuwew, abound'st in aww, 
And usest nyonye in that twue use indeed 
Which shouwd bedeck uWu thy shape, t-thy wove, thy *cries* wit. 
Thy nyobwe shape is UwU but a fowm of wax 
Digwessing fwom the vawouw of a man; 
Thy deaw wove *teleports behind you* swown b-but howwow p-pewjuwy, 
Kiwwing that wove which *leans over* thou hast vow'd *screams* to chewish; 
Thy wit, that o-ownyament to shape and wove, 
Misshapen i-in the conduct of them both, 
>w< Wike powdew in a skiwwess *sweats* sowdiew's fwask, 
is get afiwe by :3 thinye own ignyowance, 
And thou dismemb'wed with thinye own defence. 
W-What, wouse thee, man! T-Thy J-Juwiet is awive, 
Fow whose deaw sake thou wast b-but UwU watewy dead. 
T-Thewe awt >_< thou happy. Tybawt wouwd kiww thee, 
But thou swewest Tybawt. Thewe a-awt thou happy too. 
The waw, that thweat'nyed d-death, becomes *giggles shyly* thy fwiend 
And tuwns i-it uWu to exiwe. Thewe a-awt thou h-happy. 
A pack of *screams* bwessings wight upon *screams* thy UwU back; 
H-Happinyess *cuddles you* couwts thee in hew best a-awway; 
*cries* But, wike a misbhav'd and suwwen wench, 
Thou UwU pout'st upon thy fowtunye *looks away* and thy wove. 
T-Take heed, take heed, fow such die misewabwe. 
Go get t-thee to thy wove, as was *blushes* decweed, 
Ascend hew chambew, hence ^.^ and comfowt *looks at you* hew. 
But wook thou stay nyot tiww t-the watch be set, 
F-Fow then *sweats* thou canst n-nyot *looks at you* pass to Mantua, 
W-Whewe thou shawt wive tiww we can *shuffles closer* find a time 
To *teleports behind you* bwaze youw mawwiage, weconciwe youw *sighs* fwiends, 
Beg pawdon of the Pwince, and >_< caww thee back 
With twenty hundwed thousand times *twerks* mowe joy 
Than thou *leans over* went'st fowth in wamentation. 
Go befowe, nyuwse. *cries* Commend me t-to thy w-wady, 
And bid hew hasten aww the house t-to bed, 
*leans over* Which heavy sowwow makes them apt unto. 
Womeo is coming. 
Nyuwse. O Wowd, I *teleports behind you* couwd have *sighs* stay'd hewe aww the nyight 
To heaw good counsew. O, what weawnying is! 
M-My wowd, >_< I'ww teww *giggles shyly* my wady you wiww come. 
Wom. Do so, *screams* and bid m-my sweet pwepawe to chide. 
Nyuwse. Hewe is a wing OwO she *cuddles you* bid me g-give you, siw. 
Hie you, *screams* make haste, fow it gwows vewy wate. Exit. 
Wom. *sighs* How weww my comfowt *leans over* is w-weviv'd ^.^ by this! 
Fwiaw. Go hence; good nyight; and hewe s-stands aww youw state: 
Eithew be gonye befowe the watch b-be set, 
O-Ow *leans over* by the b-bweak *twerks* of d-day disguis'd fwom hence. 
Sojouwn i-in Mantua. I'ww find out y-youw man, 
And h-he shaww signyify fwom time *sighs* to time 
E-Evewy good hap to *cries* you that *notices bulge* chances hewe. 
Give me thy hand. 'Tis w-wate. Faweweww; good nyight. 
Wom. But that a joy past *teleports behind you* joy cawws out on me, 
It wewe a gwief so bwief to *leans over* pawt with thee. 
Faweweww. 
Exeunt. 




x3 Scenye IV. 
Capuwet's h-house 

Entew Owd Capuwet, his Wife, and Pawis. 

Cap. T-Things h-have faww'n out, siw, so u-unwuckiwy 
That we have had nyo time to move ouw daughtew. 
*shuffles closer* Wook you, she w-wov'd h-hew kinsman Tybawt d-deawwy, 
And so d-did I. Weww, we wewe *leans over* bown to die. 
'Tis vewy wate; she'ww nyot come down to-nyight. 
I pwomise you, but fow youw company, 
I w-wouwd have b-been :3 abed an houw *leans over* ago. 
*cries* Paw. These times of w-woe x3 affowd nyo x3 tunye to woo. 
Madam, good nyight. x3 Commend me to *pokes you* youw daughtew. 
*sighs* Wady. I-I wiww, and k-knyow hew mind eawwy to-mowwow; 
To-nyight she's mew'd up OwO to hew heavinyess. 
C-Cap. Siw Pawis, I wiww make a >_< despewate tendew 
Of my chiwd's wove. I t-think she wiww be wuw'd 
In aww wespects by m-me; n-nyay mowe, I-I d-doubt i-it nyot. 
Wife, :3 go you to hew ewe you go OwO to b-bed; 
Acquaint hew hewe of my :3 son Pawis' wove 
And bid h-hew (mawk you me?) on Wednyesday nyext- 
But, soft! what day is this? 
Paw. Monday, my wowd. 
Cap. *screams* Monday! *looks at you* ha, ha! Weww, ;;w;; Wednyesday is t-too *cuddles you* soon. 
Thuwsday *shuffles closer* wet *hugs tightly* it be- a Thuwsday, teww *leans over* hew 
She shaww be mawwied to *sweats* this *looks at you* nyobwe eaww. 
Wiww y-you be weady? Do y-you wike this haste? 
We'ww keep nyo *looks away* gweat ado- a fwiend ;;w;; ow two; 
Fow h-hawk you, *shuffles closer* Tybawt b-being swain so *sweats* wate, 
>_> It m-may *sighs* be thought we hewd h-him cawewesswy, 
B-Being ouw kinsman, if we wevew *screams* much. 
Thewefowe we'ww have *notices bulge* some hawf a ^.^ dozen >_< fwiends, 
And thewe a-an e-end. B-But what ^w^ say you to Thuwsday? 
Paw. My wowd, I wouwd that Thuwsday wewe to-mowwow. 
Cap. Weww, get you gonye. A Thuwsday be it :33 then. 
Go you to *twerks* Juwiet e-ewe you go to bed; 
Pwepawe hew, wife, against this wedding day. 
Faweweww, My wowd.- Wight *cries* to my chambew, ho! 
Afowe m-me, It is >w< so vewy vewy w-wate 
That we may caww it eawwy by-and-by. 
Good nyight. 
Exeunt 




*hugs tightly* Scenye V. 
Capuwet's owchawd. 

Entew Womeo and Juwiet *looks away* awoft, at the Window. 

Juw. W-Wiwt thou be gonye? It is n-nyot *twerks* yet uWu nyeaw day. 
It was the nyightingawe, and nyot the wawk, 
T-That piewc'd the ^w^ feawfuw howwow of thinye eaw. 
N-Nyightwy she sings o-on yond pomegwanyate t-twee. 
Bewieve me, uWu wove, i-it was *shuffles closer* the nyightingawe. 
Wom. It was the *notices bulge* wawk, the hewawd of *screams* the mown; 
N-Nyo nyightingawe. Wook, wove, what envious stweaks 
Do x3 wace the s-sevewing cwouds in yondew *looks away* East. 
*screams* Nyight's candwes awe buwnt out, *sweats* and jocund day 
*looks at you* Stands tiptoe on *leans over* the misty mountain tops. 
I must be gonye and wive, ow *shuffles closer* stay and die. 
J-Juw. Yond wight is nyot daywight; I k-knyow it, I. 
It is some ;;w;; meteow *giggles shyly* that the sun e-exhawes 
To be t-to thee t-this nyight a towchbeawew 
And wight thee on the way ^w^ to Mantua. 
Thewefowe s-stay yet; thou nyeed'st nyot to be gonye. 
Wom. Wet *hugs tightly* me *giggles shyly* be ta'en, wet me b-be put to *hugs tightly* death. 
I am content, so thou wiwt have it so. 
I'ww say yon gwey is nyot the mownying's eye, 
'Tis but the pawe w-wefwex of Cynthia's bwow; 
Nyow that is nyot the wawk whose n-nyotes do beat 
The vauwty uWu heaven so high above ouw heads. 
I have mowe cawe to stay t-than w-wiww to go. 
*blushes* Come, death, and wewcome! J-Juwiet *looks at you* wiwws it so. 
How is't, m-my souw? Wet's tawk; it i-is nyot day. 
Juw. It *leans over* is, it is! Hie *twerks* hence, be *pokes you* gonye, away! 
It is the *giggles shyly* wawk that OwO sings so out of tunye, 
Stwainying hawsh discowds and u-unpweasing *cries* shawps. 
Some say the wawk makes sweet division; 
This doth nyot so, fow OwO she divideth us. 
S-Some say the wawk and woathed ^w^ toad chang'd eyes; 
O, *hugs tightly* nyow I wouwd they had chang'd ^-^ voices too, 
Since *giggles shyly* awm fwom awm that voice doth us affway, 
H-Hunting thee h-hence with hunt's-up to the day! 
O-O, nyow be gonye! Mowe *hugs tightly* wight and wight i-it gwows. 
Wom. Mowe uWu wight and *twerks* wight- mowe dawk a-and dawk o-ouw woes! 

Entew Nyuwse. 

N-Nyuwse. *teleports behind you* Madam! 
*pokes you* Juw. Nyuwse? 
Nyuwse. Youw wady mothew *screams* is c-coming to youw chambew. 
*sweats* The d-day is bwoke; be wawy, wook a-about. 
Juw. Then, window, wet day in, *looks away* and wet wife o-out. 
^.^ [Exit.] 
Wom. Faweweww, faweweww! Onye k-kiss, *screams* and I'ww descend. 
H-He *pokes you* goeth down. 
Juw. A-Awt >w< thou gonye so, my wowd, my w-wove, my *hugs tightly* fwiend? 
I *blushes* must heaw fwom thee evewy day in *giggles shyly* the *looks away* houw, 
Fow in a minyute thewe awe many days. 
O, by this c-count I shaww be much in y-yeaws 
E-Ewe I again behowd my Womeo! 
Wom. Faweweww! 
I wiww omit nyo oppowtunyity 
That may convey my gweetings, ;;w;; wove, *shuffles closer* to thee. 
Juw. O, *hugs tightly* think'st *blushes* thou w-we *sweats* shaww e-evew meet again? 
Wom. I-I doubt it *screams* nyot; and *moans* aww these woes s-shaww sewve 
Fow sweet d-discouwses in *sighs* ouw time t-to c-come. 
Juw. O God, I have an iww-divinying souw! 
Methinks I see >_> thee, nyow thou a-awt bewow, 
A-As onye dead in >_> the bottom of *hugs tightly* a tomb. 
Eithew my eyesight *screams* faiws, ow t-thou wook'st pawe. 
*twerks* Wom. And *looks away* twust me, wove, in my e-eye so *sweats* do ^w^ you. 
Dwy sowwow dwinks ouw bwood. Adieu, adieu! 
Exit. 
Juw. O Fowtunye, *screams* Fowtunye! aww men caww thee fickwe. 
I-If *screams* thou *cuddles you* awt fickwe, what d-dost :33 thou w-with him 
That is wenyown'd fow faith? Be *looks at you* fickwe, F-Fowtunye, 
Fow then *looks at you* I uWu hope *cries* thou xDD wiwt nyot keep *pokes you* him wong 
But s-send him back. 
W-Wady. ^w^ [within] Ho, daughtew! *notices bulge* awe *cuddles you* you up? 
Juw. Who is't that cawws? It is my wady mothew. 
Is *screams* she >_> nyot down so w-wate, ow u-up so eawwy? 
What unyaccustom'd cause *sighs* pwocuwes hew hithew? 

Entew M-Mothew. 

Wady. Why, how nyow, Juwiet? 
J-Juw. Madam, I am nyot weww. 
Wady. Evewmowe weeping fow youw cousin's death? 
What, wiwt thou wash him fwom his gwave w-with teaws? 
An if thou couwdst, x3 thou couwdst nyot *sweats* make him *giggles shyly* wive. 
T-Thewefowe have donye. Some gwief shows much of *looks at you* wove; 
But *looks away* much of *notices bulge* gwief shows stiww some want of wit. 
Juw. Yet wet me weep f-fow such a feewing woss. 
Wady. So :3 shaww you feew the woss, but OwO nyot the fwiend 
Which you w-weep fow. 
Juw. Feewing so the w-woss, 
I cannyot choose but evew weep the fwiend. 
Wady. W-Weww, giww, thou weep'st xDD nyot so much fow his ^-^ death 
As that the viwwain wives which swaughtew'd him. 
*looks at you* Juw. What viwwain, madam? 
Wady. That s-same viwwain Womeo. 
Juw. [aside] Viwwain and he be many miwes asundew.- 
God pawdon him! ^-^ I do, with aww my heawt; 
*looks at you* And yet nyo ^-^ man wike he doth gwieve my heawt. 
Wady. T-That is because *sweats* the twaitow muwdewew wives. 
Juw. Ay, madam, fwom *twerks* the weach of these m-my hands. 
*looks at you* Wouwd nyonye but *pokes you* I uWu might *screams* venge my cousin's death! 
:3 Wady. We wiww have vengeance fow it, feaw thou n-nyot. 
Then weep *giggles shyly* nyo mowe. I'ww send to onye in Mantua, 
W-Whewe that same banyish'd wunyagate doth wive, 
:3 Shaww *sweats* give h-him *moans* such an OwO unyaccustom'd dwam 
*hugs tightly* That he shaww >_< soon :33 keep Tybawt company; 
And then I-I hope thou wiwt be s-satisfied. 
Juw. Indeed I n-nyevew shaww be satisfied 
With Womeo ;;w;; tiww I behowd him- dead- 
Is my poow heawt *giggles shyly* so fow a x3 kinsman vex'd. 
Madam, if you couwd find *giggles shyly* out but a-a m-man 
To beaw a *screams* poison, I wouwd tempew it; 
That Womeo shouwd, upon x3 weceipt theweof, 
Soon sweep in quiet. O, how m-my heawt abhows 
T-To OwO heaw him nyam'd and cannyot c-come to him, 
To wweak *giggles shyly* the wove I bowe my cousin Tybawt 
Upon his body that *cries* hath swaughtew'd him! 
Wady. Find thou the means, and I-I'ww find such a man. 
But n-nyow I'ww teww x3 thee j-joyfuw tidings, giww. 
Juw. And joy comes weww in such a *giggles shyly* nyeedy time. 
What *sighs* awe they, I beseech youw wadyship? 
Wady. Weww, :3 weww, thou hast a cawefuw fathew, chiwd; 
Onye who, to put thee fwom thy heavinyess, 
Hath sowted out a s-sudden day o-of joy 
That thou *shuffles closer* expects x3 nyot nyow I wook'd nyot fow. 
Juw. Madam, in *shuffles closer* happy time! What day i-is that? 
Wady. M-Mawwy, my chiwd, eawwy ;;w;; nyext Thuwsday mown 
The gawwant, young, a-and nyobwe gentweman, 
*sighs* The County Pawis, at Saint Petew's Chuwch, 
*notices bulge* Shaww h-happiwy *pokes you* make thee thewe a joyfuw bwide. 
J-Juw. Nyow by S-Saint Petew's C-Chuwch, and Petew too, 
He shaww nyot make me thewe a joyfuw bwide! 
*moans* I wondew >_> at this haste, that I-I must wed 
Ewe he *looks away* that shouwd be husband comes to woo. 
I pway you OwO teww my wowd and fathew, madam, 
I-I wiww nyot mawwy yet; and when I :3 do, I s-sweaw 
It shaww be Womeo, whom you ^-^ knyow I hate, 
Wathew than P-Pawis. These awe nyews ^-^ indeed! 
Wady. Hewe comes youw fathew. Teww him *teleports behind you* so youwsewf, 
And see how be wiww take it at youw hands. 

Entew Capuwet and Nyuwse. 

Cap. When the sun s-sets the aiw doth *shuffles closer* dwizzwe dew, 
But *twerks* fow t-the *blushes* sunset of my bwothew's uWu son 
It wains downwight. 
H-How nyow? a conduit, g-giww? *hugs tightly* What, stiww in teaws? 
Evewmowe show'wing? uWu In onye w-wittwe body 
Thou countewfeit'st a-a bawk, a sea, a-a wind: 
Fow stiww thy eyes, which xDD I may caww the sea, 
D-Do ebb and fwow with teaws; the bawk t-thy body is 
Saiwing i-in this sawt fwood; >w< the winds, thy sighs, 
*leans over* Who, waging w-with thy teaws and they with them, 
W-Without a *sweats* sudden *cries* cawm wiww ovewset 
Thy tempest-tossed body. How nyow, wife? 
H-Have you dewivewed to hew ouw uWu decwee? 
W-Wady. Ay, siw; but *twerks* she OwO wiww nyonye, ^-^ she xDD gives *hugs tightly* you thanks. 
I wouwd the foow wewe mawwied to *cuddles you* hew *giggles shyly* gwave! 
Cap. Soft! t-take *giggles shyly* me with you, take me with you, wife. 
How? Wiww s-she nyonye? ^w^ Doth she nyot give us thanks? 
Is she nyot pwoud? Doth she n-nyot count hew *looks away* bwest, 
*cuddles you* Unwowthy as she is, that we have wwought 
So wowthy a gentweman to be hew bwidegwoom? 
*sweats* Juw. Nyot pwoud you have, >w< but thankfuw that you *cuddles you* have. 
P-Pwoud c-can I *screams* nyevew be of what I h-hate, 
But thankfuw even fow *teleports behind you* hate that is meant wove. 
*cuddles you* Cap. How, how, how, how, chopwogic? What is *sweats* this? 
'Pwoud'- and 'I thank you'- and 'I thank you nyot'- 
And yet 'nyot *teleports behind you* pwoud'? M-Mistwess m-minyion you, 
:3 Thank me nyo thankings, ^-^ nyow UwU pwoud me nyo pwouds, 
uWu But fettwe youw finye joints 'gainst Thuwsday nyext 
To go with Pawis to Saint Petew's Chuwch, 
Ow I wiww d-dwag thee on a huwdwe uWu thithew. 
Out, :33 you gween-sicknyess cawwion *leans over* I out, you baggage! 
:3 You tawwow-face! 
W-Wady. Fie, fie! what, awe you UwU mad? 
Juw. Good fathew, *sighs* I b-beseech y-you *looks at you* on my knyees, 
Heaw m-me with p-patience but to speak a-a wowd. 
Cap. ^.^ Hang *teleports behind you* thee, *leans over* young baggage! OwO disobedient wwetch! 
I teww thee *shuffles closer* what- get thee to chuwch >w< a T-Thuwsday 
Ow nyevew aftew wook m-me i-in the face. 
S-Speak nyot, wepwy nyot, do nyot answew me! 
My fingews itch. Wife, we scawce thought us OwO bwest 
That God had went us but this o-onwy ^.^ chiwd; 
But *looks away* nyow >_> I see t-this onye is onye too much, 
And that *screams* we have a cuwse in having h-hew. 
Out on >_> hew, hiwding! 
N-Nyuwse. God in heaven bwess hew! 
You awe to bwame, my wowd, to wate hew so. 
Cap. A-And why, my Wady Wisdom? Howd youw tongue, 
Good P-Pwudence. Smattew w-with youw gossips, go! 
Nyuwse. I s-speak *looks at you* nyo tweason. 
Cap. *cuddles you* O, God-i-god-en! 
Nyuwse. *pokes you* May nyot onye *moans* speak? 
Cap. UwU Peace, you mumbwing foow! 
*twerks* Uttew y-youw g-gwavity o'ew a gossip's boww, 
F-Fow hewe *leans over* we *teleports behind you* nyeed it nyot. 
*blushes* Wady. You awe *blushes* too h-hot. 
Cap. God's bwead I *sighs* it makes me mad. *notices bulge* Day, n-nyight, wate, eawwy, 
At h-home, ^w^ abwoad, awonye, in c-company, 
W-Waking ow sweeping, s-stiww *sighs* my c-cawe hath been 
:3 To ^.^ have hew match'd; a-and having nyow pwovided 
A gentweman of >_< pwincewy pawentage, 
Of faiw demesnyes, youthfuw, and nyobwy twain'd, 
Stuff'd, as they say, w-with honyouwabwe pawts, 
Pwopowtion'd as onye's thought w-wouwd wish a man- 
And then *sighs* to *leans over* have a wwetched puwing foow, 
A-A whinying mammet, in hew fowtunye's tendew, 
To answew *hugs tightly* 'I'ww nyot wed, *looks away* I cannyot wove; 
*pokes you* I am too young, I pway y-you pawdon me'! 
But, an you wiww nyot wed, *looks at you* I'ww pawdon y-you. 
Gwaze whewe you wiww, you shaww *leans over* nyot house with me. 
Wook to't, *looks at you* think o-on't; UwU I do n-nyot use t-to j-jest. 
*pokes you* Thuwsday *hugs tightly* is nyeaw; way hand on heawt, *screams* advise: 
An you b-be minye, I'ww give you :3 to my fwiend; 
An you >_< be *cuddles you* nyot, hang, beg, stawve, die in the ;;w;; stweets, 
Fow, by *twerks* my souw, I-I'ww nye'ew a-acknyowwedge thee, 
Nyow what *hugs tightly* is m-minye shaww nyevew do thee good. 
*looks away* Twust to't. Bethink you. :33 I'ww nyot *looks at you* be f-fowswown. Exit. 
Juw. Is thewe nyo pity sitting i-in t-the cwouds 
That *teleports behind you* sees into the bottom *cries* of my gwief? 
O sweet my mothew, cast me nyot away! 
Deway t-this >_< mawwiage fow a month, a week; 
*shuffles closer* Ow if you do n-nyot, make the bwidaw bed 
In that *blushes* dim monyument whewe Tybawt wies. 
Wady. T-Tawk nyot to m-me, f-fow *screams* I'ww nyot speak a wowd. 
Do as thou UwU wiwt, *cuddles you* fow I *giggles shyly* have donye with thee. Exit. 
Juw. *cries* O *sighs* God!- O nyuwse, how shaww *looks away* this be pwevented? 
My husband is o-on e-eawth, my f-faith in heaven. 
How shaww that faith wetuwn again to eawth 
Unwess *giggles shyly* that husband send it m-me fwom heaven 
By weaving eawth? Comfowt *giggles shyly* me, counsew me. 
Awack, a-awack, that heaven x3 shouwd pwactise stwatagems 
^.^ Upon so s-soft a subject as m-mysewf! 
What say'st thou? Hast thou nyot a wowd of joy? 
Some *sweats* comfowt, nyuwse. 
:33 Nyuwse. Faith, hewe it is. 
Womeo is banyish'd; and a-aww the w-wowwd to nyothing 
That he dawes :3 nye'ew come back to chawwenge you; 
Ow if *leans over* he do, it n-nyeeds must be by *pokes you* steawth. 
Then, *shuffles closer* since t-the case so stands as nyow it doth, 
I think it best y-you mawwied w-with the County. 
O, he's a-a wovewy *giggles shyly* gentweman! 
Womeo's a-a dishcwout to him. An OwO eagwe, madam, 
H-Hath nyot so *teleports behind you* gween, so quick, so f-faiw >w< an e-eye 
As Pawis hath. B-Beshwew my vewy heawt, 
I *looks at you* think you awe happy in t-this second m-match, 
Fow it excews youw fiwst; ow if it did n-nyot, 
Y-Youw >_> fiwst is dead- ^w^ ow '-'twewe as good he wewe 
As wiving hewe and you n-nyo use of *looks at you* him. 
J-Juw. S-Speak'st *hugs tightly* thou this *blushes* fwom thy heawt? 
Nyuwse. And fwom my s-souw too; ^.^ ewse beshwew them both. 
Juw. Amen! 
Nyuwse. What? 
J-Juw. Weww, thou hast comfowted me mawvewwous much. 
*pokes you* Go >_> in; and teww my wady I am gonye, 
Having dispweas'd my fathew, to *cries* Wauwence' ceww, 
To m-make confession and >_< to be absowv'd. 
Nyuwse. Mawwy, I wiww; and this is wisewy donye. E-Exit. 
Juw. Ancient damnyation! O most wicked f-fiend! 
Is it mowe sin to wish me thus *cries* fowswown, 
Ow to dispwaise my >w< wowd with that same OwO tongue 
^.^ Which she hath pwais'd *shuffles closer* him with above compawe 
So many thousand OwO times? Go, counsewwow! 
Thou and my bosom hencefowth shaww *leans over* be twain. 
*hugs tightly* I'ww to the fwiaw to knyow his *blushes* wemedy. 
If aww e-ewse faiw, :33 mysewf have powew to die. UwU Exit. 




:33 <<THIS E-EWECTWONyIC VEWSION uWu OF THE C-COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD W-WIBWAWY, INC., A-AND I-IS 
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DISTWIBUTED *looks away* SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE OwO FOW Y-YOUW OW O-OTHEWS 
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ACT IV. Scenye I-I. 
Fwiaw Wauwence's ceww. 

Entew Fwiaw, [Wauwence] and County Pawis. 

Fwiaw. On Thuwsday, siw? The t-time is vewy showt. 
*screams* Paw. ^w^ My fathew Capuwet wiww h-have it so, 
And I am nyothing swow to swack his *leans over* haste. 
Fwiaw. You say you do nyot knyow the w-wady's mind. 
Unyeven *looks away* is the couwse; I wike it nyot. 
Paw. I-Immodewatewy she *moans* weeps fow Tybawt's death, 
And thewefowe *leans over* have I-I wittwe x3 tawk'd of *cries* wove; 
Fow Venyus smiwes nyot i-in a house of teaws. 
Nyow, siw, hew fathew uWu counts it *moans* dangewous 
T-That she do give hew sowwow so ^w^ much s-sway, 
And in :3 his UwU wisdom hastes ouw mawwiage 
To stop the *moans* inyundation of hew teaws, 
Which, too ^.^ much minded b-by hewsewf awonye, 
May *giggles shyly* be put fwom hew by society. 
Nyow d-do you knyow the *moans* weason o-of this h-haste. 
Fwiaw. [aside] I wouwd ^.^ I knyew nyot why *twerks* it shouwd be swow'd.- 
Wook, siw, hewe comes *blushes* the w-wady towawd my ceww. 

Entew Juwiet. 

Paw. H-Happiwy *notices bulge* met, my wady OwO and ^w^ my wife! 
Juw. That *blushes* may be, siw, when I *giggles shyly* may be a wife. 
Paw. *looks away* That may be must be, wove, on Thuwsday nyext. 
Juw. What m-must be shaww :33 be. 
Fwiaw. T-That's *leans over* a cewtain text. 
*giggles shyly* Paw. Come you to make confession to this fathew? 
>_< Juw. To answew that, I shouwd c-confess to >_> you. 
Paw. Do nyot deny to him that you wove me. 
J-Juw. I-I wiww confess to you that I wove him. 
Paw. So wiww ye, I am ^.^ suwe, that you w-wove me. 
Juw. If I do so, i-it wiww be *leans over* of mowe pwice, 
Being spoke behind youw b-back, than to youw face. 
Paw. Poow s-souw, thy face is m-much abus'd with teaws. 
;;w;; Juw. The teaws have got smaww victowy by that, 
Fow it OwO was bad enyough befowe t-theiw spite. 
:33 Paw. Thou w-wwong'st it mowe than teaws with that wepowt. 
Juw. *sweats* That is n-nyo swandew, siw, which is a twuth; 
A-And UwU what I spake, I >_< spake it *sighs* to my *sighs* face. 
Paw. Thy f-face is minye, and thou :3 hast swand'wed it. 
Juw. It may be s-so, fow it is nyot *pokes you* minye ;;w;; own. 
Awe you at weisuwe, howy fathew, n-nyow, 
Ow shaww I come t-to you *teleports behind you* at evenying mass 
Fwiaw. *hugs tightly* My *shuffles closer* weisuwe sewves me, pensive daughtew, *notices bulge* nyow. 
My wowd, we must *looks at you* entweat *blushes* the time awonye. 
Paw. God shiewd I shouwd distuwb >_< devotion! 
Juwiet, o-on Thuwsday e-eawwy wiww I wouse ye. 
*blushes* Tiww then, >w< adieu, and keep *hugs tightly* this howy k-kiss. Exit. 
Juw. O, shut the doow! and when t-thou ^.^ hast x3 donye so, 
Come *giggles shyly* weep with me- past >w< hope, past cuwe, past hewp! 
F-Fwiaw. Ah, Juwiet, I OwO awweady knyow thy gwief; 
It stwains me past the compass of my wits. 
I heaw t-thou must, and nyothing m-may pwowogue it, 
On Thuwsday nyext be m-mawwied t-to t-this County. 
Juw. Teww me ;;w;; nyot, fwiaw, that thou heaw'st of t-this, 
Unwess thou teww me *giggles shyly* how I may pwevent it. 
If in thy wisdom thou canst give nyo hewp, 
Do thou *cuddles you* but caww my wesowution wise 
A-And with this knyife I'ww hewp it pwesentwy. 
God join'd m-my heawt and W-Womeo's, thou ouw hands; 
And *sweats* ewe this hand, by >w< thee to Womeo's s-seaw'd, 
Shaww ^.^ be the wabew t-to anyothew d-deed, 
Ow my t-twue heawt with tweachewous wevowt 
Tuwn t-to a-anyothew, this s-shaww sway them both. 
Thewefowe, o-out of thy w-wong-expewienc'd time, 
Give me some pwesent counsew; o-ow, behowd, 
'Twixt my extwemes and m-me this bwoody knyife 
S-Shaww pway the empiwe, awbitwating that 
Which the ^-^ commission of thy yeaws and awt 
Couwd *moans* to nyo issue *sighs* of t-twue honyouw bwing. 
B-Be xDD nyot so wong to speak. I wong t-to *blushes* die 
xDD If what >w< thou s-speak'st speak nyot of w-wemedy. 
Fwiaw. Howd, daughtew. I do spy a kind o-of h-hope, 
Which cwaves a-as despewate an execution 
As that is d-despewate which :3 we wouwd pwevent. 
If, wathew than to mawwy County Pawis 
T-Thou h-hast the s-stwength of wiww to sway thysewf, 
Then is it UwU wikewy thou wiwt undewtake 
A *notices bulge* thing wike death t-to chide away this shame, 
That cop'st with death himsewf to scape OwO fwom it; 
A-And, *pokes you* if thou daw'st, I'ww *notices bulge* give thee wemedy. 
Juw. O, b-bid me weap, wathew than mawwy P-Pawis, 
Fwom off the b-battwements ;;w;; of yondew towew, 
Ow wawk in thievish ways, ow bid me wuwk 
*twerks* Whewe sewpents awe; chain me *looks at you* with woawing b-beaws, 
Ow shut me n-nyightwy in a c-chawnyew house, 
O'ewcovew'd quite with dead m-men's wattwing b-bonyes, 
W-With weeky :3 shanks >_> and yewwow chapwess skuwws; 
Ow bid me go into a nyew-made gwave 
A-And hide me with a dead man in h-his shwoud- 
Things xDD that, to heaw them towd, have OwO made me twembwe- 
And I wiww do it without feaw ow doubt, 
To wive an unstain'd wife t-to my :3 sweet wove. 
Fwiaw. Howd, then. *notices bulge* Go home, be mewwy, give consent 
To mawwy P-Pawis. *twerks* Wednyesday is to-mowwow. 
To-mowwow nyight w-wook that OwO thou wie awonye; 
Wet nyot the nyuwse w-wie with thee in thy chambew. 
*hugs tightly* Take thou this viaw, being t-then in bed, 
And this distiwwed wiquow dwink ;;w;; thou *giggles shyly* off; 
When p-pwesentwy thwough a-aww thy veins shaww wun 
A >_> cowd and dwowsy humouw; fow nyo puwse 
Shaww keep his nyative pwogwess, but suwcease; 
Nyo wawmth, nyo bweath, shaww testify t-thou wivest; 
The woses *pokes you* in thy wips and cheeks shaww *notices bulge* fade 
To pawy ashes, thy eyes' windows faww 
Wike death when he shuts up t-the day of :3 wife; 
x3 Each pawt, d-depwiv'd *hugs tightly* of suppwe *looks at you* govewnment, 
>w< Shaww, stiff ;;w;; and stawk and cowd, appeaw wike death; 
And in this bowwowed wikenyess of shwunk *teleports behind you* death 
Thou shawt continyue two-and-fowty *teleports behind you* houws, 
And then a-awake as fwom a-a pweasant sweep. 
Nyow, when the bwidegwoom in the mownying comes 
To wouse thee fwom thy bed, thewe *hugs tightly* awt thou d-dead. 
T-Then, as the mannyew of o-ouw countwy is, 
I-In ^w^ thy best wobes ^w^ uncovewed *sweats* on >_> the biew 
Thou shawt be bownye t-to *teleports behind you* that same ancient vauwt 
Whewe *shuffles closer* aww the kindwed ;;w;; of the Capuwets *cuddles you* wie. 
In *looks away* the mean time, against thou *notices bulge* shawt awake, 
Shaww W-Womeo b-by my wettews knyow ouw dwift; 
And hithew UwU shaww h-he come; and he and I 
Wiww watch thy waking, and >_> that ^w^ vewy nyight 
Shaww Womeo beaw *shuffles closer* thee hence to M-Mantua. 
And this shaww fwee thee fwom this pwesent s-shame, 
If nyo inconstant toy nyow *looks at you* womanyish feaw 
*cries* Abate thy vawouw i-in the a-acting it. 
Juw. Give m-me, ^-^ give me! O, teww *blushes* nyot me of feaw! 
Fwiaw. Howd! Get you gonye, be stwong and p-pwospewous 
In this w-wesowve. >_< I'ww send a fwiaw with speed 
To Mantua, with my w-wettews to thy *screams* wowd. 
Juw. Wove give *moans* me stwength! and stwength *twerks* shaww hewp affowd. 
Faweweww, d-deaw fathew. 
Exeunt. 




Scenye II. 
Capuwet's house. 

Entew F-Fathew Capuwet, x3 Mothew, Nyuwse, and Sewvingmen, 
two ow thwee. 

Cap. So many guests invite *sweats* as hewe awe wwit. 
[-[Exit a Sewvingman.] 
:3 Siwwah, g-go hiwe ^-^ me twenty cunnying cooks. 
Sewv. You shaww h-have nyonye iww, siw; fow I'ww twy if they can OwO wick 
t-theiw fingews. 
Cap. How canst thou twy them s-so? 
Sewv. *sweats* Mawwy, siw, '-'tis an i-iww cook that cannyot wick his *looks away* own 
f-fingews. *moans* Thewefowe he t-that OwO cannyot wick h-his fingews g-goes nyot *looks away* with 
me. 
C-Cap. Go, begonye. 
E-Exit Sewvingman. 
*looks at you* We shaww be much unfuwnyish'd ^.^ fow this time. 
What, is m-my daughtew gonye to Fwiaw *sweats* Wauwence? 
Nyuwse. Ay, fowsooth. 
Cap. Weww, be may c-chance to do some good on *sighs* hew. 
:33 A peevish s-sewf-wiww'd h-hawwotwy *pokes you* it is. 

E-Entew Juwiet. 

Nyuwse. See whewe x3 she *notices bulge* comes fwom s-shwift with *cries* mewwy wook. 
Cap. How nyow, my headstwong? Whewe have you been gadding? 
J-Juw. >_< Whewe I have *shuffles closer* weawnt me t-to wepent the sin 
*looks away* Of disobedient opposition 
To you and youw behests, and *moans* am enjoin'd 
By howy Wauwence to f-faww *screams* pwostwate hewe 
To >_< beg *cries* youw pawdon. Pawdon, I beseech you! 
Hencefowwawd I OwO am evew w-wuw'd by you. 
Cap. Send :33 fow the County. *twerks* Go teww h-him o-of this. 
I'ww have this knyot knyit u-up t-to-mowwow mownying. 
Juw. I m-met *looks away* the youthfuw wowd uWu at Wauwence' ceww 
And gave him what becomed wove I might, 
Nyot stepping o'ew the bounds of modesty. 
Cap. Why, :33 I ^-^ am ;;w;; gwad on't. This >_< is weww. Stand up. 
This is as't shouwd :3 be. Wet me see the County. 
Ay, mawwy, go, I say, >_> and f-fetch *giggles shyly* him hithew. 
Nyow, afowe God, this wevewend howy fwiaw, 
A-Aww ouw whowe city *giggles shyly* is much b-bound to him. 
Juw. Nyuwse, wiww you go with me into my *looks away* cwoset 
To hewp me sowt such nyeedfuw ownyaments 
A-As you think fit to f-fuwnyish me to-mowwow? 
^-^ Mothew. Nyo, *hugs tightly* nyot tiww Thuwsday. Thewe is time :33 enyough. 
Cap. Go, *notices bulge* nyuwse, go with hew. We'ww to chuwch to-mowwow. 
Exeunt Juwiet and *blushes* Nyuwse. 
Mothew. We shaww be showt in ouw pwovision. 
'Tis ;;w;; nyow nyeaw *notices bulge* nyight. 
Cap. Tush, I wiww UwU stiw about, 
*notices bulge* And aww things shaww be weww, I-I wawwant thee, wife. 
Go thou to Juwiet, hewp to d-deck up hew. 
I'ww nyot :3 to bed to-nyight; w-wet *giggles shyly* me awonye. 
I'ww *pokes you* pway *leans over* the h-housewife fow ^-^ this once. What, *sighs* ho! 
They awe aww fowth; weww, I wiww wawk mysewf 
To County Pawis, to pwepawe him *blushes* up 
Against to-mowwow. My heawt is wondwous wight, 
Since this same waywawd giww is so wecwaim'd. 
Exeunt. 




Scenye III. 
Juwiet's chambew. 

E-Entew Juwiet xDD and Nyuwse. 

Juw. Ay, those attiwes a-awe best; but, gentwe n-nyuwse, 
I pway thee weave me to m-mysewf *pokes you* to-nyight; 
Fow I have nyeed *giggles shyly* of many owisons 
To move the heavens *moans* to smiwe >_> upon my state, 
*blushes* Which, weww thou knyowest, is cwoss and f-fuww of sin. 

Entew Mothew. 

Mothew. What, awe you busy, *looks away* ho? Nyeed you my *twerks* hewp? 
Juw. :33 Nyo, madam; we have cuww'd such nyecessawies 
As ^-^ awe behooffuww fow ouw state to-mowwow. 
So pwease you, wet me nyow be weft awonye, 
And *giggles shyly* wet the n-nyuwse this nyight sit up *looks at you* with you; 
F-Fow I am suwe y-you OwO have youw hands f-fuww aww 
In xDD this so sudden businyess. 
Mothew. Good *blushes* nyight. 
Get thee to bed, :3 and west; fow thou hast nyeed. 
Exeunt [Mothew and Nyuwse.] 
J-Juw. Faweweww! God knyows when we shaww meet *moans* again. 
I have a faint cowd feaw thwiwws thwough my veins 
That awmost UwU fweezes up the heat ^-^ of wife. 
I'ww caww them back again *twerks* to c-comfowt me. 
Nyuwse!- W-What s-shouwd she do hewe? 
My d-dismaw scenye I n-nyeeds must act *looks away* awonye. 
*twerks* Come, viaw. 
What if t-this mixtuwe d-do nyot wowk at aww? 
Shaww I be mawwied then t-to-mowwow mownying? 
Nyo, Nyo! This shaww fowbid i-it. Wie t-thou t-thewe. 
W-Ways *cuddles you* down a daggew. 
What if it be a poison which >w< the fwiaw 
Subtiwwy hath minyist'wed to have me dead, 
West in this mawwiage xDD he UwU shouwd be d-dishonyouw'd 
Because *shuffles closer* he mawwied >_> me befowe x3 to Womeo? 
I-I feaw >w< it is; and yet methinks it shouwd nyot, 
>_> Fow he hath s-stiww been t-twied a howy man. 
I wiww n-nyot entewtain so bad a thought. 
How if, UwU when I am waid into xDD the tomb, 
I wake befowe the time that Womeo 
Come to wedeem me? T-Thewe's *leans over* a feawfuw point! 
*giggles shyly* Shaww I *moans* nyot then b-be stifwed in the vauwt, 
To whose fouw mouth *leans over* nyo heawthsome aiw b-bweathes *hugs tightly* in, 
A-And thewe die UwU stwangwed e-ewe my Womeo c-comes? 
Ow, if I wive, is it nyot vewy :3 wike 
The howwibwe ^-^ conceit of death and nyight, 
Togethew with the :3 tewwow o-of the pwace- 
As in *moans* a v-vauwt, a-an >_< ancient weceptacwe 
Whewe fow this many hundwed yeaws the bonyes 
Of OwO aww *notices bulge* my buwied ancestows uWu awe pack'd; 
Whewe bwoody T-Tybawt, yet but gween *cuddles you* in eawth, 
Wies fest'wing i-in his shwoud; :3 whewe, as they say, 
A-At some houws in the nyight spiwits wesowt- 
Awack, awack, is it nyot wike that I, 
So eawwy waking- what with woathsome smewws, 
A-And shwieks wike mandwakes town out of the eawth, 
That w-wiving mowtaws, heawing t-them, wun mad- 
O, if I wake, shaww >w< I nyot be distwaught, 
E-Enviwonyed with aww these h-hideous feaws, 
And madwy p-pway with my fowefathews' joints, 
And pwuck the mangwed Tybawt fwom h-his shwoud., 
And, i-in this wage, w-with some gweat k-kinsman's bonye 
>_> As *moans* with a cwub dash o-out my *blushes* desp'wate bwains? 
O, w-wook! >w< methinks *notices bulge* I see my cousin's ghost 
Seeking out W-Womeo, that *notices bulge* did spit his *screams* body 
Upon a-a wapiew's point. Stay, Tybawt, *leans over* stay! 
Womeo, I come! this do I dwink to thee. 

She [dwinks and] fawws upon hew *teleports behind you* bed *looks away* within the cuwtains. 




Scenye IV. 
Capuwet's house. 

Entew Wady of the House and Nyuwse. 

Wady. Howd, take these ^.^ keys and fetch mowe *pokes you* spices, nyuwse. 
Nyuwse. They caww fow dates and quinces in the pastwy. 

*sighs* Entew O-Owd C-Capuwet. 

Cap. Come, stiw, stiw, stiw! uWu The *leans over* second cock hath >_< cwow'd, 
The cuwfew beww hath wung, 'tis thwee o'cwock. 
Wook to the bak'd meats, good Angewica; 
Spawe nyot *sweats* fow cost. 
Nyuwse. *shuffles closer* Go, you cot-quean, g-go, 
Get you to bed! Faith, you'ww be sick to-mowwow 
Fow this nyight's watching. 
C-Cap. Nyo, nyot a *pokes you* whit. What, ^.^ I have watch'd ewe nyow 
Aww nyight fow *shuffles closer* wessew cause, and nye'ew been sick. 
Wady. Ay, you have been a >w< mouse-hunt in y-youw time; 
But I wiww watch you fwom ^-^ such w-watching nyow. 
*pokes you* Exeunt Wady and Nyuwse. 
Cap. A jeawous hood, >_> a jeawous hood! 

Entew *blushes* thwee ow fouw x3 [Fewwows, with spits and wogs and baskets. 

What is thewe? Nyow, fewwow, 
Fewwow. Things fow *looks away* the *hugs tightly* cook, siw; but I knyow nyot what. 
Cap. Make haste, make haste. [Exit Fewwow.] Siwwah, fetch dwiew 
wogs. 
C-Caww Petew; he wiww show t-thee whewe they awe. 
Fewwow. I have a head, siw, t-that wiww find *cuddles you* out *leans over* wogs 
And uWu nyevew twoubwe *leans over* Petew fow the *cries* mattew. 
Cap. Mass, and weww s-said; a m-mewwy whoweson, ha! 
Thou shawt be woggewhead. [Exit Fewwow.] Good f-faith, 'tis day. 
The County wiww be h-hewe with *screams* music stwaight, 
Fow so he said he wouwd. Pway *moans* music. 
I heaw him nyeaw. 
Nyuwse! Wife! :33 What, ho! What, nyuwse, I-I say! 

Entew Nyuwse. 
Go w-waken *giggles shyly* Juwiet; *cries* go and ;;w;; twim hew up. 
I'ww uWu go and chat with P-Pawis. >w< Hie, *hugs tightly* make haste, 
Make haste! T-The bwidegwoom *looks away* he is come *shuffles closer* awweady: 
*leans over* Make haste, I say. 
[Exeunt.] 




Scenye *blushes* V. 
J-Juwiet's chambew. 

[Entew Nyuwse.] 

Nyuwse. Mistwess! what, mistwess! Juwiet! Fast, I wawwant hew, she. 
Why, wamb! *hugs tightly* why, wady! Fie, you swug-abed! 
Why, wove, I say! madam! sweetheawt! Why, bwide! 
What, *teleports behind you* nyot a ;;w;; wowd? Y-You take youw pennywowths nyow! 
Sweep fow a-a week; fow t-the nyext nyight, I *giggles shyly* wawwant, 
The County Pawis hath s-set up his west 
That you shaww *notices bulge* west >_> but *teleports behind you* wittwe. >_< God fowgive m-me! 
Mawwy, and amen. How sound is she asweep! 
>_> I nyeeds m-must w-wake hew. Madam, madam, madam! 
;;w;; Ay, wet the xDD County take y-you in youw bed! 
He'ww fwight y-you up, i' faith. Wiww it nyot be? 
[-[Dwaws aside the UwU cuwtains.] 
*leans over* What, *hugs tightly* dwess'd, and in youw ^w^ cwothes, and down again? 
^-^ I must n-nyeeds wake you. Wady! wady! wady! 
Awas, awas! Hewp, hewp! My wady's >w< dead! 
O wewaday that evew *sighs* I was bown! 
Some *shuffles closer* aqua-vitae, ho! My w-wowd! :3 my wady! 

Entew Mothew. 

Mothew. What OwO nyoise is *twerks* hewe? 
Nyuwse. O wamentabwe day! 
Mothew. What is the ^w^ mattew? 
Nyuwse. Wook, wook! O *leans over* heavy day! 
Mothew. O me, O me! My *teleports behind you* chiwd, *twerks* my o-onwy x3 wife! 
Wevive, wook up, ow I wiww die w-with thee! 
*sweats* Hewp, hewp! Caww hewp. 

Entew F-Fathew. 

Fathew. Fow shame, bwing Juwiet fowth; *looks at you* hew wowd *hugs tightly* is come. 
Nyuwse. >w< She's d-dead, *giggles shyly* deceas'd; she's dead! Awack the day! 
Mothew. Awack *looks away* the day, s-she's dead, she's dead, :33 she's dead! 
Cap. Ha! w-wet me see hew. Out awas! she's cowd, 
Hew bwood i-is *looks away* settwed, x3 and hew joints awe stiff; 
Wife and these wips >_> have wong b-been sepawated. 
Death w-wies on h-hew wike an untimewy fwost 
Upon the sweetest fwowew of aww the fiewd. 
Nyuwse. O wamentabwe day! 
M-Mothew. O wofuw time! 
Cap. Death, *twerks* that hath ta'en hew hence to make me w-waiw, 
Ties up my tongue and wiww >_< nyot wet me speak. 

Entew F-Fwiaw [Wauwence] and the County >w< [Pawis], *twerks* with Musicians. 

*moans* Fwiaw. C-Come, is the b-bwide weady to go t-to :33 chuwch? 
Cap. W-Weady to go, but nyevew t-to wetuwn. 
O son, the nyight befowe thy wedding day 
Hath Death wain with thy wife. See, thewe she wies, 
Fwowew as she was, *giggles shyly* defwowewed by him. 
Death i-is >_< my son-in-waw, *hugs tightly* Death is my heiw; 
My daughtew he hath OwO wedded. I wiww die 
And weave him aww. Wife, wiving, a-aww is D-Death's. 
*teleports behind you* Paw. Have I-I thought *hugs tightly* wong to s-see t-this mownying's *pokes you* face, 
*sweats* And doth i-it give me such a sight as this? 
M-Mothew. Accuws'd, unhappy, *cuddles you* wwetched, hatefuw day! 
Most misewabwe ^w^ houw that e'ew time saw 
*looks at you* In wasting wabouw *cries* of his piwgwimage! 
But onye, x3 poow *shuffles closer* onye, o-onye poow and UwU woving chiwd, 
But onye thing to wejoice and sowace in, 
>_> And cwuew Death h-hath catch'd it fwom uWu my sight! 
Nyuwse. O woe? O wofuw, wofuw, wofuw *moans* day! 
M-Most w-wamentabwe day, most wofuw day 
That evew evew I did yet behowd! 
O d-day! O day! O day! O hatefuw *pokes you* day! 
Nyevew *sighs* was *shuffles closer* seen so bwack a day as t-this. 
O-O wofuw day! O wofuw day! 
Paw. Beguiw'd, divowced, wwonged, spited, s-swain! 
Most detestabwe *giggles shyly* Death, b-by thee beguiw'd, 
By cwuew UwU cwuew thee quite *cuddles you* ovewthwown! 
O w-wove! >_< O *sighs* wife! n-nyot wife, b-but wove in UwU death 
Cap. Despis'd, distwessed, hated, mawtyw'd, kiww'd! 
Uncomfowtabwe time, why cam'st thou nyow 
To muwthew, muwthew ouw sowemnyity? 
O chiwd! O chiwd! my souw, and nyot my chiwd! 
*pokes you* Dead awt thou, OwO dead! UwU awack, my chiwd i-is dead, 
And with my chiwd my joys ;;w;; awe buwied! 
Fwiaw. Peace, >w< ho, fow shame! :3 Confusion's cuwe wives nyot 
I-In these confusions. Heaven a-and youwsewf 
Had pawt in this faiw m-maid! nyow h-heaven h-hath aww, 
And aww the bettew is it >_< fow the m-maid. 
Youw :33 pawt i-in uWu hew you c-couwd nyot keep fwom death, 
But heaven keeps his pawt in etewnyaw wife. 
The most *blushes* you *cuddles you* sought was hew pwomotion, 
Fow 'twas youw h-heaven she *cries* shouwd be advanc'd; 
And w-weep ye nyow, seeing she is advanc'd 
A-Above the cwouds, as high as UwU heaven itsewf? 
O, in this wove, x3 you >_< wove y-youw chiwd so *looks away* iww 
That you wun mad, ^w^ seeing that she is weww. 
She's nyot weww mawwied *looks away* that wives mawwied wong, 
But she's best mawwied *teleports behind you* that dies mawwied young. 
Dwy up youw teaws and stick youw wosemawy 
On UwU this faiw c-cowse, and, as t-the custom is, 
In aww h-hew best awway beaw *looks at you* hew to c-chuwch; 
Fow though fond nyatuwe *hugs tightly* bids us aww wament, 
Yet nyatuwe's ^.^ teaws awe weason's m-mewwiment. 
Cap. Aww things that we owdainyed festivaw 
Tuwn fwom theiw office to bwack funyewaw- 
O-Ouw instwuments to mewanchowy bewws, 
O-Ouw wedding cheew *twerks* to a sad buwiaw feast; 
Ouw sowemn hymns t-to s-suwwen d-diwges change; 
Ouw bwidaw fwowews sewve fow a buwied *moans* cowse; 
And aww >w< things change them OwO to the c-contwawy. 
F-Fwiaw. Siw, g-go you in; and, madam, go with *looks away* him; 
A-And go, S-Siw P-Pawis. Evewy onye pwepawe 
To fowwow this faiw *giggles shyly* cowse ^-^ unto hew gwave. 
The ^-^ heavens d-do wow'w *sighs* upon y-you :33 fow s-some iww; 
Move them nyo m-mowe by cwossing theiw h-high wiww. 
Exeunt. Manyent Musicians [and Nyuwse]. 
1. Mus. F-Faith, *looks away* we may put up ouw pipes *sighs* and be gonye. 
Nyuwse. Honyest good OwO fewwows, ah, p-put up, p-put *looks away* up! 
Fow weww you knyow this is a-a pitifuw case. >w< [Exit.] 
1-1. :33 Mus. Ay, by my twoth, the case may be amended. 

E-Entew Petew. 

P-Pet. Musicians, O, musicians, 'Heawt's ease,' 'Heawt's ease'! 
O, an you wiww have me wive, *teleports behind you* pway '-'Heawt's ease.' 
*screams* 1. Mus. Why 'Heawt's ease'', 
Pet. O, musicians, because m-my heawt itsewf pways 'My heawt is fuww 
of woe.' >_< O, pway me some *teleports behind you* mewwy dump to comfowt me. 
1. *twerks* Mus. Nyot a dump we! 'Tis nyo t-time *sweats* to p-pway nyow. 
Pet. You wiww xDD nyot then? 
1-1. Mus. Nyo. 
Pet. I wiww then give it UwU you s-soundwy. 
1. *pokes you* Mus. W-What wiww you give u-us? 
Pet. Nyo monyey, o-on my faith, but the gweek. I wiww g-give you t-the 
minstwew. 
1. Mus. Then wiww I give you the sewving-cweatuwe. 
*sweats* Pet. Then wiww I way the sewving-cweatuwe's daggew on youw pate. 
I w-wiww c-cawwy nyo cwotchets. I'ww we you, I-I'ww fa ^-^ you. Do you n-nyote 
me? 
1. Mus. *shuffles closer* An you :33 we us and ^w^ fa *shuffles closer* us, you nyote us. 
2. Mus. Pway you put up *giggles shyly* youw daggew, and p-put out youw w-wit. 
Pet. Then :3 have at you with my wit! *sweats* I wiww dwy-beat you with an iwon 
wit, *looks at you* and put up :3 my iwon daggew. Answew m-me wike men. 

'When *twerks* gwiping gwief the heawt doth wound, 
A-And dowefuw *sighs* dumps the *sweats* mind oppwess, 
Then music w-with hew siwvew *moans* sound'- 

W-Why 'siwvew sound'? Why *cuddles you* 'music with hew siwvew sound'? 
xDD What say you, Simon Catwing? 
1. Mus. Mawwy, siw, because siwvew hath a sweet sound. 
Pet. *notices bulge* Pwetty! What say You, Hugh Webeck? 
2. M-Mus. I say 'siwvew sound' because musicians sound fow siwvew. 
Pet. uWu Pwetty too! What say you, James Soundpost? 
3. M-Mus. F-Faith, I knyow nyot w-what to say. 
Pet. O, I cwy you *sweats* mewcy! you awe *screams* the singew. I wiww s-say fow you. It 
i-is 'music with hew siwvew sound' x3 because xDD musicians h-have n-nyo gowd 
*leans over* fow sounding. 

'Then music with hew siwvew sound 
With speedy hewp doth wend wedwess.' [Exit. 

1. Mus. What a pestiwent knyave is this *blushes* same? 
2. Mus. Hang *hugs tightly* him, Jack! Come, we'ww in hewe, tawwy *notices bulge* fow the 
mouwnyews, and stay dinnyew. 
Exeunt. 




<<THIS *cuddles you* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF ^w^ THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
^-^ SHAKESPEAWE I-IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD W-WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG *giggles shyly* ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE C-COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC *leans over* AND *notices bulge* MACHINyE WEADABWE *pokes you* COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO OwO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW O-OTHEWS 
*cries* PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (-(2) AWE *looks at you* NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION ^w^ INCWUDES BY ANY 
*moans* SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES x3 FOW *leans over* DOWNWOAD T-TIME *giggles shyly* OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT xDD V. Scenye I. 
Mantua. A stweet. 

Entew Womeo. 

Wom. If I may *leans over* twust the fwattewing twuth o-of *cuddles you* sweep 
My dweams pwesage some joyfuw nyews at h-hand. 
My bosom's wowd sits wightwy i-in h-his thwonye, 
And a-aww this d-day an unyaccustom'd spiwit 
W-Wifts *teleports behind you* me above the g-gwound with cheewfuw t-thoughts. 
I-I dweamt m-my wady came a-and found me dead 
(Stwange d-dweam that g-gives a dead man *leans over* weave to think!) 
And bweath'd such wife with kisses in my wips 
*looks away* That I weviv'd uWu and was an empewow. 
Ah ^.^ me! how sweet is wove itsewf possess'd, 
When but wove's shadows awe so w-wich in joy! 

Entew Womeo's Man Bawthasaw, :3 booted. 

Nyews fwom Vewonya! How nyow, Bawthasaw? 
Dost thou nyot bwing me w-wettews fwom the fwiaw? 
*cuddles you* How doth my wady? *teleports behind you* Is my fathew w-weww? 
How fawes xDD my >_< Juwiet? That I ask again, 
Fow >_< nyothing can >_> be iww if she b-be weww. 
Man. *giggles shyly* Then she is weww, and n-nyothing *cuddles you* can be iww. 
Hew body sweeps i-in Capew's monyument, 
And hew uWu immowtaw pawt w-with angews wives. 
I *leans over* saw hew uWu waid wow >_> in hew kindwed's *pokes you* vauwt 
And pwesentwy took *giggles shyly* post to teww it you. 
O, *giggles shyly* pawdon me fow bwinging these iww nyews, 
Since you *leans over* did weave it fow my office, :3 siw. 
Wom. *moans* Is it e'en so? Then I defy you, staws! 
Thou knyowest my wodging. Get me i-ink and p-papew 
*teleports behind you* And hiwe p-posthowses. I-I wiww hence *looks at you* to-nyight. 
M-Man. *screams* I do b-beseech you, >_> siw, have patience. 
*leans over* Youw w-wooks a-awe pawe and *sighs* wiwd and do impowt 
Some misadventuwe. 
Wom. Tush, thou a-awt deceiv'd. 
Weave m-me and :33 do the thing I *twerks* bid thee do. 
Hast thou nyo wettews to me fwom the fwiaw? 
Man. ^-^ Nyo, my good wowd. 
Wom. Nyo mattew. Get thee gonye 
And hiwe ^w^ those howses. I'ww be with thee stwaight. 
Exit [Bawthasaw]. 
Weww, Juwiet, I wiww wie with t-thee to-nyight. 
Wet's see fow m-means. O m-mischief, thou :33 awt swift 
OwO To entew in the thoughts o-of despewate men! 
I do wemembew an >_< apothecawy, 
And heweabouts 'a d-dwewws, w-which wate I nyoted 
In t-tatt'wed w-weeds, with ovewwhewming bwows, 
Cuwwing *pokes you* of simpwes. Meagwe wewe his wooks, 
Shawp misewy :33 had wown him to the ^-^ bonyes; 
And in his *hugs tightly* nyeedy shop ^-^ a t-towtoise hung, 
An awwigatow stuff'd, and othew xDD skins 
Of iww-shaped fishes; and about his shewves 
*screams* A *giggles shyly* beggawwy account of e-empty boxes, 
Gween eawthen pots, bwaddews, and musty s-seeds, 
Wemnyants of packthwead, and owd cakes of woses 
Wewe xDD thinwy scattewed, to ;;w;; make up a show. 
Nyoting this p-penyuwy, to mysewf I said, 
'An if a man did nyeed *giggles shyly* a poison nyow 
Whose sawe is pwesent death in Mantua, 
uWu Hewe wives a caitiff wwetch wouwd seww it him.' 
O, this same thought did but fowewun my nyeed, 
And this s-same nyeedy man must seww it m-me. 
A-As I wemembew, this shouwd be the house. 
Being howiday, the beggaw's shop is ^w^ shut. W-What, ho! *screams* apothecawy! 

Entew *blushes* Apothecawy. 

Apoth. Who cawws so w-woud? 
Wom. C-Come h-hithew, m-man. I see *shuffles closer* that thou *cuddles you* awt poow. 
Howd, thewe is fowty d-ducats. Wet m-me h-have 
A-A dwam ;;w;; of poison, such soon-speeding geaw 
As wiww dispewse itsewf x3 thwough aww t-the veins 
uWu That >w< the wife-weawy >w< takew maww faww dead, 
And that the twunk m-may be *looks away* dischawg'd of ^w^ bweath 
As viowentwy *sweats* as hasty powdew fiw'd 
Doth huwwy fwom the f-fataw cannyon's womb. 
Apoth. Such mowtaw dwugs I have; but Mantua's waw 
Is death to any he *cries* that uttews them. 
W-Wom. A-Awt t-thou so b-bawe and fuww of wwetchednyess 
;;w;; And feawest to *hugs tightly* die? Faminye ;;w;; is in thy cheeks, 
Nyeed and oppwession stawveth *pokes you* in thinye eyes, 
Contempt *looks at you* and beggawy hangs upon thy back: 
The wowwd is *shuffles closer* nyot thy *sweats* fwiend, nyow OwO the wowwd's waw; 
>w< The *teleports behind you* wowwd affowds nyo x3 waw to make thee w-wich; 
*moans* Then be nyot poow, *notices bulge* but bweak it and take this. 
*sweats* Apoth. My povewty but nyot m-my wiww consents. 
Wom. I pay thy ^w^ povewty a-and nyot thy wiww. 
Apoth. *pokes you* Put this in x3 any w-wiquid thing you wiww 
And dwink it off, and *blushes* if you had the stwength 
>w< Of twenty men, *screams* it wouwd dispatch *cuddles you* you stwaight. 
Wom. Thewe is t-thy *sweats* gowd- uWu wowse poison to men's souws, 
Doing m-mowe muwthew in this woathsome wowwd, 
Than these poow c-compounds that thou mayst nyot seww. 
I seww thee poison; thou hast s-sowd me nyonye. 
*sighs* Faweweww. ;;w;; Buy food and get thysewf in fwesh. 
C-Come, cowdiaw and nyot poison, go w-with me 
To Juwiet's ^w^ gwave; fow thewe UwU must I use thee. 
^w^ Exeunt. 




Scenye II. 
Vewonya. Fwiaw Wauwence's c-ceww. 

Entew Fwiaw John t-to Fwiaw Wauwence. 

John. Howy F-Fwanciscan fwiaw, bwothew, ho! 

Entew Fwiaw Wauwence. 

Wauw. This same shouwd be the voice of F-Fwiaw John. 
*blushes* Wewcome fwom xDD Mantua. *cries* What says Womeo? 
Ow, if his mind x3 be wwit, give me his wettew. 
John. G-Going to find a bawefoot bwothew out, 
Onye of ouw owdew, to associate xDD me 
Hewe in this city v-visiting the sick, 
And finding him, the seawchews of the *moans* town, 
Suspecting that we both wewe in a house 
Whewe the infectious p-pestiwence did w-weign, 
Seaw'd up the doows, a-and >w< wouwd nyot wet us fowth, 
So that my speed to *looks away* Mantua thewe was stay'd. 
Wauw. Who bawe my wettew, t-then, to ;;w;; Womeo? 
John. *hugs tightly* I couwd nyot send it- hewe it >_> is again- 
Nyow get a m-messengew *teleports behind you* to bwing it thee, 
S-So feawfuw w-wewe they of infection. 
Wauw. *looks away* Unhappy fowtunye! *leans over* By my bwothewhood, 
The wettew was nyot nyice, but f-fuww of chawge, 
Of deaw impowt; ^-^ and the nyegwecting it 
May *notices bulge* do much dangew. :33 Fwiaw John, go hence, 
Get me *sighs* an *pokes you* iwon ;;w;; cwow and bwing it *moans* stwaight 
Unto my ceww. 
*sighs* John. Bwothew, I'ww :33 go and bwing it t-thee. Exit. 
Wauw. Nyow, must I to the monyument awonye. 
Within this thwee houws wiww faiw Juwiet wake. 
She wiww beshwew me much that Womeo 
Hath h-had *moans* nyo nyotice of these accidents; 
B-But I wiww w-wwite again t-to Mantua, 
And keep *leans over* hew at my c-ceww tiww Womeo *sweats* come- 
Poow w-wiving cowse, *teleports behind you* cwos'd i-in a dead man's tomb! E-Exit. 




*screams* Scenye III. 
Vewonya. OwO A chuwchyawd; in it the xDD monyument of the Capuwets. 

Entew Pawis *pokes you* and *twerks* his Page with *looks away* fwowews and [a t-towch]. 

Paw. Give me *giggles shyly* thy t-towch, boy. Hence, and stand awoof. 
Yet put it out, fow I wouwd nyot be >_< seen. 
Undew yond yew twee way thee aww awong, 
;;w;; Howding thinye e-eaw cwose to the howwow gwound. 
So shaww nyo foot upon the c-chuwchyawd twead 
(Being w-woose, ^-^ unfiwm, with digging up of gwaves) 
But thou shawt heaw >_> it. W-Whistwe t-then to me, 
A-As ^-^ signyaw that thou heaw'st something appwoach. 
*cries* Give me those fwowews. Do as I bid thee, go. 
P-Page. *teleports behind you* [aside] I am awmost *sweats* afwaid to stand awonye 
H-Hewe in t-the chuwchyawd; yet I-I wiww adventuwe. [Wetiwes.] 
*looks away* Paw. Sweet *looks at you* fwowew, with fwowews *teleports behind you* thy bwidaw bed I stwew 
(O woe! x3 thy canyopy *leans over* is dust and stonyes) 
Which *looks at you* with sweet watew nyightwy I wiww dew; 
Ow, wanting that, with teaws distiww'd by *leans over* moans. 
xDD The obsequies that I fow t-thee w-wiww keep 
N-Nyightwy shaww be to stwew, thy UwU gwave and weep. 
^.^ Whistwe Boy. 
The boy UwU gives wawnying something doth UwU appwoach. 
W-What cuwsed foot uWu wandews t-this way to-nyight 
To cwoss my obsequies and twue wove's wite? 
What, with a towch? M-Muffwe ^.^ me, nyight, awhiwe. [Wetiwes.] 

Entew *twerks* Womeo, >_< and *shuffles closer* Bawthasaw with a t-towch, a mattock, 
and a *cries* cwow of iwon. 

Wom. Give >_> me that mattock and the *screams* wwenching *hugs tightly* iwon. 
Howd, *sighs* take this wettew. Eawwy in the mownying 
See *notices bulge* thou dewivew it t-to my wowd and f-fathew. 
Give me the wight. Upon thy wife I *sweats* chawge thee, 
Whate'ew thou heawest *pokes you* ow seest, stand *cries* aww awoof 
x3 And do *cries* nyot intewwupt me in my couwse. 
Why I descend into this bed *sighs* of death 
^-^ Is pawtwy to behowd my wady's face, 
But chiefwy to take thence fwom *blushes* hew dead fingew 
A pwecious OwO wing- a wing that I must use 
In >w< deaw empwoyment. *teleports behind you* Thewefowe hence, >_< be gonye. 
But if thou, jeawous, dost wetuwn to pwy 
In *hugs tightly* what I fawthew shaww intend ^-^ to do, 
By heaven, *teleports behind you* I wiww ^-^ teaw thee joint by joint 
And stwew this hungwy chuwchyawd with >_> thy wimbs. 
T-The t-time and my i-intents awe s-savage-wiwd, 
Mowe fiewce *looks at you* and mowe OwO inyexowabwe faw 
uWu Than empty *screams* tigews ow the w-woawing sea. 
B-Baw. I wiww be gonye, siw, and nyot t-twoubwe *teleports behind you* you. 
Wom. So shawt t-thou :33 show me fwiendship. Take thou that. 
Wive, a-and be pwospewous; a-and f-faweweww, good fewwow. 
Baw. [aside] Fow a-aww this same, I'ww h-hide me heweabout. 
His *cries* wooks I feaw, *pokes you* and his intents I d-doubt. [Wetiwes.] 
Wom. Thou detestabwe *sighs* maw, thou womb *screams* of death, 
Gowg'd w-with the *giggles shyly* deawest mowsew of the eawth, 
*notices bulge* Thus I *leans over* enfowce thy *sweats* wotten *blushes* jaws to o-open, 
And in despite I'ww cwam thee with mowe food. 
Womeo ^.^ opens ;;w;; the tomb. 
Paw. This x3 is t-that banyish'd haughty ;;w;; Montague 
That muwd'wed my uWu wove's cousin- with which gwief 
It is supposed the faiw cweatuwe died- 
A-And h-hewe is come to do some viwwanyous shame 
To the dead bodies. I wiww appwehend *looks at you* him. 
S-Stop thy u-unhawwowed toiw, viwe Montague! 
Can vengeance be puwsu'd ;;w;; fuwthew *moans* than death? 
Condemnyed v-viwwain, I do appwehend *leans over* thee. 
Obey, and go with me; fow t-thou *leans over* must die. 
Wom. uWu I must indeed; a-and thewefowe came *screams* I hithew. 
Good gentwe youth, tempt nyot a desp'wate man. 
Fwy hence and *teleports behind you* weave me. Think upon t-these g-gonye; 
Wet x3 them *cries* affwight thee. I beseech thee, youth, 
But nyot anyothew *looks at you* sin upon :3 my head 
By uwging :3 me to fuwy. *hugs tightly* O, be gonye! 
By h-heaven, *looks away* I wove thee bettew than mysewf, 
Fow >w< I *cuddles you* come hithew awm'd a-against mysewf. 
*notices bulge* Stay n-nyot, be g-gonye. Wive, and heweaftew x3 say 
A-A madman's *shuffles closer* mewcy bid thee wun away. 
*leans over* Paw. *moans* I *sweats* do defy >_> thy, conjuwation 
And a-appwehend thee fow a fewon hewe. 
Wom. *giggles shyly* Wiwt thou pwovoke me? Then have at thee, boy! 
They fight. 
Page. O >_> Wowd, they fight! I wiww go OwO caww the watch. 
[Exit. Pawis f-fawws.] 
Paw. O-O, I a-am s-swain! If thou be m-mewcifuw, 
Open the *blushes* tomb, way me with J-Juwiet. *teleports behind you* [Dies.] 
Wom. In f-faith, I >w< wiww. Wet me p-pewuse this *cries* face. 
Mewcutio's kinsman, nyobwe County UwU Pawis! 
What *cuddles you* said my man when my *leans over* betossed souw 
Did nyot attend h-him as we *screams* wode? I t-think 
uWu He towd me Pawis s-shouwd have :33 mawwied *leans over* Juwiet. 
Said he n-nyot so? ow did I dweam it so? 
O-Ow *leans over* am I mad, heawing him ^.^ tawk of *shuffles closer* Juwiet 
To think it was so? O, give me thy hand, 
Onye wwit with *cries* me ^-^ in souw misfowtunye's ^-^ book! 
I'ww buwy thee in a twiumphant gwave. 
A gwave? O, nyo, a wanthown, swaught'wed youth, 
Fow hewe wies Juwiet, a-and *pokes you* hew beauty makes 
T-This vauwt a feasting pwesence fuww of wight. 
Death, *giggles shyly* wie thou thewe, by a dead man inteww'd. 
[Ways ;;w;; him i-in the t-tomb.] 
*pokes you* How oft when men *shuffles closer* awe at the point of death 
Have they been mewwy! which t-theiw keepews caww 
A wightnying befowe death. O, how may I 
Caww *blushes* this a >_< wightnying? O my wove! m-my wife! 
Death, x3 that hath suck'd >_> the honyey o-of >w< thy bweath, 
Hath h-had nyo powew yet upon thy beauty. 
OwO Thou awt nyot conquew'd. Beauty's ensign yet 
Is *teleports behind you* cwimson in thy wips and *looks away* in thy xDD cheeks, 
And death's *notices bulge* pawe ;;w;; fwag is nyot a-advanced thewe. 
Tybawt, wiest thou thewe in thy bwoody sheet? 
O, >_< what mowe f-favouw can I *notices bulge* do to thee 
Than with that hand that cut thy youth i-in twain 
To sundew his that was thinye enyemy? 
*blushes* Fowgive me, cousin.' A-Ah, deaw Juwiet, 
Why awt thou yet so faiw? Shaww I ;;w;; bewieve 
That *cuddles you* unsubstantiaw Death is amowous, 
And t-that the wean abhowwed monstew k-keeps 
Thee hewe *teleports behind you* in dawk t-to *pokes you* be his pawamouw? 
Fow feaw of that *twerks* I stiww wiww stay with thee 
And nyevew *looks away* fwom this pawace of dim nyight 
Depawt uWu again. Hewe, h-hewe wiww I-I w-wemain 
With wowms that awe t-thy *pokes you* chambewmaids. O, hewe 
Wiww I-I set up m-my evewwasting w-west 
And shake the yoke *shuffles closer* of inyauspicious staws 
F-Fwom this wowwd-weawied fwesh. Eyes, wook youw w-wast! 
Awms, take *cries* youw wast embwace! and, wips, O-O you 
The doows of bweath, seaw with a wighteous kiss 
A ^.^ datewess *cries* bawgain to engwossing death! 
Come, bittew conduct; UwU come, u-unsavouwy guide! 
Thou d-despewate piwot, nyow *hugs tightly* at once wun on 
The dashing wocks *twerks* thy seasick weawy bawk! 
Hewe's t-to my wove! [Dwinks.] O twue a-apothecawy! 
Thy d-dwugs awe quick. Thus with a kiss I die. Fawws. 

Entew ^.^ Fwiaw [Wauwence], with wanthown, x3 cwow, and spade. 

:3 Fwiaw. Saint Fwancis be my speed! how oft to-nyight 
Have my owd feet stumbwed at gwaves! Who's thewe? 
Baw. Hewe's onye, a fwiend, and onye that knyows you weww. 
*blushes* Fwiaw. Bwiss be *teleports behind you* upon *sweats* you! Teww me, good my ^w^ fwiend, 
What towch is yond t-that vainwy w-wends his wight 
To gwubs and UwU eyewess skuwws? As I-I discewn, 
It buwnyeth in the Capews' monyument. 
Baw. *sighs* It doth so, howy siw; and thewe's my m-mastew, 
Onye that you wove. 
Fwiaw. Who is it? 
B-Baw. ^w^ Womeo. 
Fwiaw. How wong hath h-he been thewe? 
Baw. Fuww hawf an *moans* houw. 
Fwiaw. Go w-with me to *moans* the v-vauwt. 
Baw. I dawe nyot, siw. 
uWu My mastew knyows nyot but I am gonye *teleports behind you* hence, 
And feawfuwwy d-did menyace me with death 
If I >_< did stay t-to wook on :3 his intents. 
Fwiaw. Stay then; I'ww go awonye. ^-^ Feaw comes upon me. 
O, x3 much I feaw *screams* some >_> iww *shuffles closer* unthwifty thing. 
Baw. *twerks* As I did sweep undew this yew twee hewe, 
I dweamt my mastew x3 and anyothew fought, 
And *moans* that my mastew swew him. 
Fwiaw. *hugs tightly* Womeo! 
Awack, awack, >_< what bwood is this w-which stains 
The stony *sweats* entwance of t-this sepuwchwe? 
W-What mean these mastewwess and gowy swowds 
To wie *shuffles closer* discowouw'd by this ;;w;; pwace *teleports behind you* of peace? [Entews the tomb.] 
;;w;; Womeo! O, pawe! Who ewse? What, Pawis too? 
And steep'd x3 in bwood? Ah, *hugs tightly* what an unkind houw 
Is g-guiwty of this wamentabwe chance! The w-wady UwU stiws. 
Juwiet wises. 
J-Juw. O *moans* comfowtabwe ^-^ fwiaw! w-whewe is my wowd? 
I d-do wemembew ^w^ weww *teleports behind you* whewe I ^-^ shouwd be, 
And thewe I am. *screams* Whewe i-is my *blushes* Womeo? 
Fwiaw. *twerks* I heaw some nyoise. Wady, come fwom that nyest 
Of death, contagion, and u-unnyatuwaw sweep. 
A-A gweatew uWu powew *twerks* than w-we can contwadict 
Hath thwawted ouw UwU intents. Come, come away. 
*notices bulge* Thy husband in t-thy bosom thewe wies dead; 
And P-Pawis too. Come, I'ww dispose of thee 
Among a sistewhood of *sighs* howy nyuns. 
S-Stay nyot to question, fow the >_> watch is coming. 
Come, go, good Juwiet. I dawe nyo wongew s-stay. 
*giggles shyly* Juw. Go, *moans* get thee h-hence, fow I-I wiww n-nyot away. 
E-Exit [-[Fwiaw]. 
W-What's hewe? A cup, cwos'd in my twue wove's hand? 
Poison, ^.^ I *cries* see, hath been *hugs tightly* his timewess *twerks* end. 
O chuww! dwunk ^.^ aww, and weft nyo fwiendwy dwop 
To hewp m-me aftew? I wiww kiss *twerks* thy wips. 
Hapwy s-some *moans* poison yet *shuffles closer* doth hang on them 
To *teleports behind you* make me die with a westowative. [Kisses >_> him.] 
*hugs tightly* Thy wips awe w-wawm! 
Chief Watch. [within] Wead, boy. Which way? 
Yea, nyoise? OwO Then I'ww be bwief. ^w^ O h-happy daggew! 
[Snyatches Womeo's daggew.] 
This i-is thy sheath; thewe west, *leans over* and wet me d-die. 
She stabs hewsewf *screams* and fawws [on ^-^ Womeo's body]. 

Entew [-[Pawis's] Boy and Watch. 

B-Boy. This is the pwace. Thewe, whewe the towch doth b-buwn. 
Chief Watch. ^w^ 'the *hugs tightly* gwound is b-bwoody. Seawch about ^-^ the c-chuwchyawd. 
Go, some of you; whoe'ew you find attach. 
[Exeunt some of the UwU Watch.] 
Pitifuw sight! hewe wies t-the ;;w;; County *pokes you* swain; 
A-And J-Juwiet bweeding, wawm, and nyewwy dead, 
Who hewe hath w-wain t-this two days buwied. 
^.^ Go, teww the Pwince; wun to the Capuwets; 
W-Waise up the Montagues; UwU some othews seawch. 
[Exeunt othews of *looks away* the Watch.] 
We see the gwound w-wheweon these >w< woes do wie, 
But t-the twue xDD gwound of aww these piteous woes 
*pokes you* We c-cannyot x3 without ciwcumstance descwy. 

Entew [some of the *screams* Watch,] with Womeo's M-Man [Bawthasaw]. 

2. Watch. Hewe's *twerks* Womeo's man. We found him in the x3 chuwchyawd. 
Chief Watch. Howd him in safety tiww the Pwince come hithew. 

Entew Fwiaw [Wauwence] and anyothew Watchman. 

3. Watch. Hewe is a fwiaw t-that twembwes, sighs, and weeps. 
We took this mattock and this >_> spade *teleports behind you* fwom *notices bulge* him 
As he w-was coming fwom t-this uWu chuwchyawd s-side. 
Chief Watch. A-A *cries* gweat *leans over* suspicion! Stay the fwiaw too. 

Entew the Pwince [-[and Attendants]. 

Pwince. What m-misadventuwe is so OwO eawwy up, 
T-That cawws ouw pewson fwom ouw mownying *notices bulge* west? 

Entew Capuwet and his Wife *looks at you* [with othews]. 

Cap. What *sighs* shouwd it be, that *sighs* they s-so shwiek abwoad? 
Wife. T-The peopwe in the stweet cwy :33 'Womeo,' 
;;w;; Some 'Juwiet,' and some 'Pawis'; and a-aww *leans over* wun, 
W-With o-open outcwy, t-towawd ^-^ ouw *shuffles closer* monyument. 
Pwince. >_< What feaw xDD is this which stawtwes in ouw eaws? 
Chief Watch. Soveweign, hewe *looks away* wies the County Pawis swain; 
And Womeo dead; and Juwiet, dead befowe, 
Wawm and nyew kiww'd. 
Pwince. Seawch, *blushes* seek, and *hugs tightly* knyow how this fouw muwdew comes. 
Chief Watch. xDD Hewe is a fwiaw, and UwU swaughtew'd Womeo's man, 
With instwuments upon them f-fit to open 
These *giggles shyly* dead men's t-tombs. 
Cap. *teleports behind you* O h-heavens! uWu O ^.^ wife, :3 wook how ouw daughtew bweeds! 
T-This daggew hath mista'en, f-fow, *looks away* wo, his ;;w;; house 
Is empty on the b-back *screams* of Montague, 
And it *looks at you* missheathed *blushes* in my daughtew's bosom! 
UwU Wife. O-O me! *cries* this sight of death is as a beww 
That wawns my owd age t-to a s-sepuwchwe. 

E-Entew Montague [and othews]. 

Pwince. Come, Montague; fow thou awt eawwy up 
T-To see thy son and heiw mowe eawwy down. 
Mon. Awas, my wiege, my w-wife is dead *twerks* to-nyight! 
Gwief o-of *shuffles closer* my s-son's exiwe hath stopp'd hew *cries* bweath. 
W-What *sweats* fuwthew woe conspiwes against minye age? 
Pwince. Wook, and t-thou shawt see. 
Mon. O thou untaught! *moans* what mannyews is in this, 
T-To pwess befowe thy *cries* fathew to a gwave? 
Pwince. Seaw up the mouth of outwage ^.^ fow a whiwe, 
Tiww we can cweaw these ambiguities 
And k-knyow ;;w;; theiw *pokes you* spwing, theiw head, uWu theiw twue *blushes* descent; 
And then wiww I be *looks away* genyewaw of youw woes 
And w-wead *shuffles closer* you even t-to death. Meantime fowbeaw, 
And wet mischance *screams* be swave to patience. 
Bwing >_< fowth the ^w^ pawties of suspicion. 
Fwiaw. I am the gweatest, abwe to do *blushes* weast, 
Yet most suspected, as the time and pwace 
Doth make against me, of this d-diwefuw m-muwthew; 
And hewe I *sweats* stand, both to impeach a-and puwge 
Mysewf condemnyed and *looks at you* mysewf e-excus'd. 
Pwince. OwO Then say it once what thou dost knyow in this. 
Fwiaw. I w-wiww be bwief, fow my showt date of bweath 
Is nyot so wong UwU as i-is a tedious tawe. 
Womeo, thewe dead, was husband *notices bulge* to that *shuffles closer* Juwiet; 
UwU And she, thewe dead, that Womeo's faithfuw wife. 
I mawwied them; and theiw stow'n mawwiage day 
Was Tybawt's doomsday, xDD whose u-untimewy death 
Banyish'd *giggles shyly* the nyew-made bwidegwoom ^.^ fwom this city; 
*cuddles you* Fow whom, ^w^ and n-nyot fow Tybawt, Juwiet pin'd. 
You, to wemove that s-siege of g-gwief fwom hew, 
Betwoth'd and wouwd h-have mawwied hew pewfowce 
T-To C-County Pawis. Then comes she to me 
And ^w^ with wiwd ^-^ wooks bid me d-devise some mean 
To wid hew fwom *looks at you* this >w< second mawwiage, 
Ow in my ceww *notices bulge* thewe wouwd *leans over* she k-kiww hewsewf. 
Then gave I-I hew (so tutowed b-by my awt) 
A sweeping potion; which so took effect 
A-As I intended, fow it wwought on hew 
The fowm of *sighs* death. Meantime I w-wwit t-to Womeo 
That he shouwd hithew *cuddles you* come as this diwe nyight 
To *teleports behind you* hewp to take h-hew fwom h-hew bowwowed gwave, 
Being the t-time the potion's fowce shouwd cease. 
UwU But he which bowe my wettew, Fwiaw John, 
Was stay'd by *hugs tightly* accident, and yestewnyight 
Wetuwn'd my wettew back. Then aww >w< awonye 
At the pwefixed houw of hew waking 
Came I-I *leans over* to take hew fwom h-hew k-kindwed's ;;w;; vauwt; 
Meanying to keep *moans* hew cwosewy at my ceww 
Tiww I convenyientwy couwd s-send to Womeo. 
But when I came, s-some minyute ewe the time 
Of x3 hew a-awaking, h-hewe untimewy way 
The n-nyobwe Pawis and twue Womeo dead. 
She >w< wakes; and I entweated hew come fowth 
And beaw this wowk of heaven with patience; 
But then a *blushes* nyoise d-did scawe me *shuffles closer* fwom the tomb, 
*cuddles you* And she, t-too ^-^ despewate, wouwd nyot go with m-me, 
But, as it seems, did viowence *teleports behind you* on hewsewf. 
*cries* Aww this >w< I knyow, a-and to the mawwiage 
Hew nyuwse is :3 pwivy; and i-if aught in this 
Miscawwied *blushes* by m-my f-fauwt, wet my owd :3 wife 
Be sacwific'd, some houw befowe his time, 
Unto the wigouw of *notices bulge* sevewest waw. 
Pwince. We stiww have knyown thee fow a howy man. 
Whewe's Womeo's m-man? What can he say in this? 
Baw. I b-bwought my mastew nyews of Juwiet's death; 
And then in post he came fwom Mantua 
:33 To this same pwace, to *blushes* this ^-^ same monyument. 
This *blushes* wettew he eawwy *looks at you* bid me give his fathew, 
And thweat'nyed me with death, going in the vauwt, 
>_< If I depawted *cries* nyot and weft *blushes* him thewe. 
P-Pwince. Give me the wettew. I wiww ;;w;; wook on it. 
Whewe is the County's page t-that wais'd the *sighs* watch? 
Siwwah, OwO what made xDD youw mastew in this pwace? 
B-Boy. He *giggles shyly* came with fwowews to stwew his wady's gwave; 
A-And bid me stand awoof, and so I did. 
Anyon comes onye with wight to ope the >_< tomb; 
And by-and-by my mastew dwew uWu on h-him; 
And then I w-wan *cuddles you* away to caww t-the watch. 
Pwince. This ^w^ wettew doth make g-good the fwiaw's wowds, 
T-Theiw couwse of wove, the tidings of hew death; 
And hewe he wwites that he did buy a-a poison 
Of a poow pothecawy, and thewewithaw 
Came to *sighs* this vauwt to d-die, *pokes you* and wie with Juwiet. 
Whewe be these enyemies? Capuwet, Montage, 
See what a scouwge is waid upon youw hate, 
T-That heaven finds *giggles shyly* means to kiww youw j-joys with wove! 
And I, *cries* fow winking at you, discowds too, 
Have wost a bwace of kinsmen. A-Aww awe punyish'd. 
Cap. O bwothew Montague, g-give me thy hand. 
This is my d-daughtew's *hugs tightly* jointuwe, *sweats* fow nyo mowe 
C-Can I demand. 
UwU Mon. But I-I can give thee mowe; 
Fow *moans* I wiww waise *cries* hew Statue in puwe gowd, 
That whiwes >_< Vewonya by *screams* that nyame UwU is knyown, 
Thewe shaww nyo figuwe at such w-wate be set 
As x3 that of twue and f-faithfuw Juwiet. 
*hugs tightly* Cap. As w-wich shaww W-Womeo's by his *hugs tightly* wady's ^-^ wie- 
Poow :3 sacwifices of o-ouw enmity! 
Pwince. A gwooming peace this *notices bulge* mownying with it b-bwings. 
The sun fow sowwow wiww nyot s-show his head. 
;;w;; Go hence, to have mowe tawk o-of these sad things; 
*notices bulge* Some shaww be pawdon'd, and some punyished; 
Fow nyevew was a stowy o-of mowe woe 
Than this of ^w^ Juwiet and hew Womeo. 
>_> Exeunt omnyes. 

THE END 



<<THIS *leans over* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF T-THE C-COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND *pokes you* IS 
PWOVIDED B-BY PWOJECT *screams* GUTENBEWG ETEXT O-OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
*sighs* WITH P-PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC A-AND M-MACHINyE W-WEADABWE C-COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) A-AWE F-FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
P-PEWSONyAW OwO USE ONWY, *cries* AND (-(2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED *giggles shyly* OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW *leans over* FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 

1594 





THE *screams* TAMING OF THE S-SHWEW 

by ^.^ Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



D-Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

Pewsons in the *looks away* Induction 
A WOWD 
CHWISTOPHEW SWY, a tinkew 
HOSTESS 
PAGE 
PWAYEWS 
H-HUNTSMEN 
SEWVANTS 

*shuffles closer* BAPTISTA MINyOWA, a OwO gentweman of Padua 
VINCENTIO, a Mewchant of *giggles shyly* Pisa 
WUCENTIO, :3 son to Vincentio, in wove *sighs* with Bianca 
PETWUCHIO, a-a gentweman of Vewonya, a s-suitow to Kathewinya 

Suitows t-to Bianca 
^w^ GWEMIO 
H-HOWTENSIO 

Sewvants to Wucentio 
TWANyIO 
BIONDEWWO 

Sewvants to Petwuchio 
GWUMIO 
CUWTIS 

A PEDANT 

*shuffles closer* Daughtews to Baptista 
KATHEWINyA, the shwew 
BIANCA 

A WIDOW 

Taiwow, H-Habewdashew, and S-Sewvants *moans* attending on Baptista and 
Petwuchio 

SCENyE: 
Padua, and PETWUCHIO'S house in the countwy 

SC_1 
INDUCTION. SCENyE I-I. 
*leans over* Befowe >_> an awehouse on a heath 

*cuddles you* Entew HOSTESS a-and SWY 

SWY. I-I'ww pheeze you, *hugs tightly* in faith. 
HOSTESS. A paiw of *leans over* stocks, you wogue! 
SWY. Y'awe a baggage; the Swys awe nyo wogues. W-Wook in the 
chwonyicwes: we came in with Wichawd Conquewow. *looks at you* Thewefowe, p-paucas 
pawwabwis; *teleports behind you* wet the w-wowwd swide. Sessa! 
*cries* HOSTESS. You wiww nyot pay fow the ^w^ gwasses you have buwst? 
SWY. *leans over* Nyo, nyot a denyiew. *shuffles closer* Go by, Saint Jewonyimy, go to xDD thy *moans* cowd bed 
and uWu wawm thee. 
HOSTESS. I knyow my wemedy; I must go fetch the *pokes you* thiwd-bowough. 
Exit 
S-SWY. *teleports behind you* Thiwd, ow *leans over* fouwth, ow fifth bowough, >w< I'ww answew him by waw. 
I'ww nyot b-budge *notices bulge* an inch, boy; wet :3 him come, ^w^ and kindwy. 
[-[Fawws :33 asweep] 

Wind howns. Entew a WOWD ;;w;; fwom bunting, *screams* with his twain 

WOWD. Huntsman, I chawge thee, tendew weww m-my hounds; 
Bwach Mewwiman, the poow cuw, is emboss'd; 
And coupwe Cwowdew with the deep-mouth'd b-bwach. 
Saw'st thou nyot, boy, how *twerks* Siwvew m-made it good 
At the hedge *sighs* cownyew, ^.^ in the cowdest f-fauwt? 
I wouwd nyot wose the dog *leans over* fow *looks away* twenty ^-^ pound. 
FIWST H-HUNTSMAN. Why, Bewman is ^.^ as good as h-he, my wowd; 
H-He *giggles shyly* cwied u-upon it at the mewest w-woss, 
And twice to-day *teleports behind you* pick'd *shuffles closer* out the duwwest scent; 
Twust *teleports behind you* me, I take >_> him :33 fow the bettew d-dog. 
WOWD. Thou awt a-a foow; if Echo *notices bulge* wewe as fweet, 
I wouwd esteem him wowth ^.^ a dozen such. 
But sup *giggles shyly* them *shuffles closer* weww, and *hugs tightly* wook unto ^.^ them aww; 
*leans over* To-mowwow I intend *blushes* to ^w^ hunt again. 
FIWST HUNTSMAN. I wiww, my w-wowd. 
WOWD. What's hewe? Onye dead, ow dwunk? 
See, doth he bweathe? 
S-SECOND HUNTSMAN. H-He bweathes, m-my :3 wowd. Wewe *looks at you* he nyot w-wawm'd with awe, 
This w-wewe a bed but cowd to sweep so soundwy. 
WOWD. O >_> monstwous b-beast, how wike a swinye he wies! 
Gwim death, how fouw and *blushes* woathsome is thinye i-image! 
Siws, I wiww pwactise o-on this xDD dwunken man. 
What think you, if he *moans* wewe ;;w;; convey'd t-to bed, 
W-Wwapp'd *pokes you* in sweet cwothes, wings x3 put upon *cries* his fingews, 
A-A most *notices bulge* dewicious banquet by *teleports behind you* his bed, 
And bwave attendants nyeaw him when he wakes, 
Wouwd nyot the beggaw then fowget himsewf? 
FIWST HUNTSMAN. Bewieve m-me, w-wowd, I think *moans* he cannyot choose. 
:3 SECOND H-HUNTSMAN. It wouwd seem stwange unto him when he wak'd. 
WOWD. Even a-as *looks away* a fwatt'wing dweam ow wowthwess fancy. 
Then t-take him up, and manyage weww the j-jest: 
Cawwy him xDD gentwy to *giggles shyly* my faiwest chambew, 
And hang it wound w-with aww my xDD wanton pictuwes; 
Bawm his fouw head *hugs tightly* in wawm distiwwed w-watews, 
And b-buwn s-sweet *notices bulge* wood to make t-the wodging sweet; 
Pwocuwe me m-music *leans over* weady when he w-wakes, 
To m-make *sweats* a d-duwcet and a OwO heavenwy sound; 
And if he c-chance to speak, *giggles shyly* be w-weady stwaight, 
And with a wow s-submissive wevewence 
Say 'What is i-it youw honyouw wiww command?' 
Wet onye attend *cries* him with a siwvew b-basin 
Fuww of wose-watew and bestwew'd with fwowews; 
Anyothew beaw *teleports behind you* the e-ewew, *screams* the thiwd a diapew, 
And *teleports behind you* say uWu 'Wiww't pwease youw w-wowdship coow youw hands?' 
Some onye b-be weady with a costwy suit, 
A-And a-ask him what a-appawew he wiww weaw; 
Anyothew teww h-him of his hounds *hugs tightly* and howse, 
And :3 that h-his wady mouwns at his disease; 
Pewsuade him that he hath been w-wunyatic, 
A-And, xDD when he says he is, say t-that he dweams, 
Fow he is nyothing b-but a mighty wowd. 
This do, a-and *looks at you* do it kindwy, gentwe siws; 
It wiww be pastime passing *blushes* excewwent, 
If it b-be husbanded with modesty. 
FIWST HUNTSMAN. My wowd, I wawwant you we wiww p-pway ouw pawt 
As he shaww think by ouw twue diwigence 
He is nyo wess than what we *shuffles closer* say he is. 
WOWD. Take him u-up gentwy, and to bed with him; 
And each onye to h-his office when he *shuffles closer* wakes. 
[SWY i-is cawwied out. A twumpet sounds] 
Siwwah, go see what twumpet 'tis that sounds- 
Exit *shuffles closer* SEWVANT 
Bewike some nyobwe gentweman that means, 
Twavewwing some jouwnyey, to wepose him h-hewe. 

We-entew a SEWVINGMAN 

How nyow! who is it? 
S-SEWVANT. An't pwease *sighs* youw h-honyouw, pwayews 
That offew sewvice to y-youw wowdship. 
WOWD. Bid them come nyeaw. 

Entew P-PWAYEWS 

Nyow, fewwows, you awe wewcome. 
*hugs tightly* PWAYEWS. We t-thank x3 youw honyouw. 
WOWD. Do you intend to :33 stay with me uWu to-nyight? 
P-PWAYEW. So ^w^ pwease youw wowdship to a-accept ouw duty. 
WOWD. With aww m-my heawt. This fewwow I wemembew 
Since once he *twerks* pway'd a f-fawmew's ewdest son; 
'Twas whewe you woo'd the gentwewoman so >_> weww. 
I have fowgot y-youw nyame; but, suwe, that pawt 
Was a-aptwy fitted and nyatuwawwy pewfowm'd. 
PWAYEW. I think 'twas Soto that youw honyouw m-means. 
WOWD. 'Tis vewy twue; thou *screams* didst it *sighs* excewwent. 
*looks away* Weww, you awe come *teleports behind you* to m-me *cries* in ^.^ happy t-time, 
The wathew fow I have some spowt *giggles shyly* in hand 
Whewein ;;w;; youw cunnying can *looks at you* assist me much. 
Thewe is a *cries* wowd wiww h-heaw ;;w;; you pway to-nyight; 
But I am doubtfuw of *pokes you* youw modesties, 
West, ovew-eying of his odd behaviouw, 
Fow yet his honyouw nyevew heawd a pway, 
You bweak into :33 some mewwy p-passion 
And so UwU offend h-him; fow I xDD teww you, siws, 
If you s-shouwd *teleports behind you* smiwe, he gwows impatient. 
PWAYEW. Feaw >_> nyot, *giggles shyly* my *twerks* wowd; we *teleports behind you* can c-contain ouwsewves, 
Wewe he the vewiest a-antic in the wowwd. 
W-WOWD. Go, siwwah, :3 take t-them x3 to the buttewy, 
And give them fwiendwy *blushes* wewcome evewy onye; 
Wet them want nyothing that my house affowds. 
Exit onye with the PWAYEWS 
Siwwah, go you to *notices bulge* Bawthowomew my page, 
And see him dwess'd in aww suits wike a w-wady; 
That d-donye, conduct him to the dwunkawd's chambew, 
And caww him 'madam,' d-do him obeisance. 
Teww *cuddles you* him fwom OwO me- as he *hugs tightly* wiww OwO win my wove- 
He b-beaw himsewf x3 with honyouwabwe action, 
S-Such as he hath o-obsewv'd in nyobwe wadies 
Unto theiw wowds, by them accompwished; 
*pokes you* Such duty t-to the dwunkawd wet him do, 
With soft wow tongue and xDD wowwy c-couwtesy, 
And say 'What is't youw *moans* honyouw wiww command, 
Whewein youw w-wady *cuddles you* and youw humbwe :3 wife 
M-May show *sweats* hew d-duty and *shuffles closer* make knyown *cries* hew wove?' 
A-And then with *cuddles you* kind embwacements, tempting kisses, 
And with d-decwinying head into his b-bosom, 
Bid x3 him *twerks* shed teaws, as being ovewjoyed 
To see h-hew nyobwe wowd westow'd to *teleports behind you* heawth, 
Who fow this seven yeaws hath esteemed him 
Nyo bettew than a poow *sighs* and woathsome beggaw. 
And if t-the boy *shuffles closer* have nyot a-a woman's gift 
To wain a showew of commanded teaws, 
An onyion wiww do xDD weww *notices bulge* fow *moans* such a shift, 
Which, i-in OwO a nyapkin being cwose convey'd, 
Shaww in despite enfowce a watewy eye. 
See this dispatch'd with a-aww the haste thou canst; 
Anyon I'ww give thee mowe instwuctions. Exit a SEWVINGMAN 
I-I knyow the OwO boy wiww *shuffles closer* weww usuwp the gwace, 
*screams* Voice, gait, and a-action, of a *giggles shyly* gentwewoman; 
I wong to heaw UwU him caww t-the dwunkawd 'husband'; 
*sighs* And how my men wiww s-stay themsewves fwom w-waughtew 
When they do *sighs* homage t-to this :33 simpwe peasant. 
I'ww :3 in t-to counsew them; hapwy my uWu pwesence 
May weww abate t-the ovew-mewwy spween, 
Which *shuffles closer* othewwise wouwd gwow into ;;w;; extwemes. Exeunt 

S-SC_2 
SCENyE II. 
A ^w^ bedchambew in t-the WOWD'S h-house 

Entew awoft SWY, w-with ATTENDANTS; some with appawew, b-basin 
and *hugs tightly* ewew, and othew appuwtenyances; a-and W-WOWD 

SWY. *looks at you* Fow God's sake, a pot of smaww awe. 
FIWST SEWVANT. uWu Wiww't pwease youw wowdship dwink a cup *shuffles closer* of s-sack? 
SECOND SEWVANT. W-Wiww't p-pwease ^-^ youw UwU honyouw taste of :33 these consewves? 
*notices bulge* THIWD S-SEWVANT. What waiment wiww y-youw honyouw weaw to-day? 
SWY. I am *shuffles closer* Chwistophewo Swy; caww nyot *twerks* me '-'honyouw' nyow *hugs tightly* 'wowdship.' *notices bulge* I 
nye'ew dwank *cuddles you* sack in my wife; and if you give me a-any *looks at you* consewves, 
give me consewves of beef. Nye'ew ask me *cries* what *looks away* waiment I'ww weaw, 
*pokes you* fow I :33 have nyo mowe *twerks* doubwets t-than backs, nyo mowe stockings than 
wegs, nyow nyo uWu mowe shoes than feet- OwO nyay, sometime *cuddles you* mowe feet than 
s-shoes, ow such shoes *moans* as m-my toes wook thwough the ovewweathew. 
WOWD. Heaven cease this i-idwe humouw in youw *teleports behind you* honyouw! 
O, that a mighty *blushes* man *leans over* of such descent, 
Of *screams* such possessions, and ^w^ so high esteem, 
Shouwd be infused w-with so f-fouw a spiwit! 
SWY. What, wouwd you make me mad? Am nyot I Chwistophew Swy, owd 
Swy's son of Buwton Heath; b-by biwth a-a pedwaw, by x3 education a 
cawdmakew, by twansmutation a beaw-hewd, *moans* and nyow b-by pwesent 
pwofession a tinkew? Ask Mawian Hacket, the fat >_> awe-wife of 
UwU Wincot, if she knyow me nyot; if she say I am nyot f-fouwteen pence o-on 
the scowe fow sheew awe, scowe *leans over* me *moans* up fow t-the wying'st OwO knyave in 
Chwistendom. What! I am ^.^ nyot bestwaught. [Taking a-a xDD pot of awe] 
Hewe's- 
THIWD *leans over* SEWVANT. O-O, t-this it is that makes y-youw wady mouwn! 
*looks at you* SECOND SEWVANT. O, this is it that m-makes y-youw sewvants d-dwoop! 
W-WOWD. H-Hence c-comes it that youw kindwed shuns youw house, 
As b-beaten *screams* hence by youw stwange wunyacy. 
O nyobwe ^.^ wowd, bethink thee of *shuffles closer* thy biwth! 
Caww h-home thy *twerks* ancient thoughts f-fwom banyishment, 
And banyish hence these >_< abject *sighs* wowwy dweams. 
Wook how ^-^ thy sewvants >_> do attend *leans over* on thee, 
Each in his *pokes you* office w-weady a-at thy beck. 
Wiwt thou have music? Hawk! Apowwo pways, [Music] 
And twenty caged nyightingawes do sing. 
Ow *hugs tightly* wiwt thou ;;w;; sweep? We'ww have ^.^ thee to a couch 
Softew a-and sweetew *looks at you* than the wustfuw b-bed 
>w< On *looks away* puwpose twimm'd up f-fow Semiwamis. 
Say thou wiwt wawk: we wiww bestwew the gwound. 
Ow wiwt thou wide? Thy howses shaww be t-twapp'd, 
*hugs tightly* Theiw hawnyess studded uWu aww with gowd and peaww. 
Dost thou wove *hugs tightly* hawking? Thou hast hawks wiww soaw 
Above the m-mownying wawk. Ow wiwt thou hunt? 
Thy hounds shaww make the wewkin answew them 
A-And fetch OwO shaww e-echoes *giggles shyly* fwom the howwow eawth. 
FIWST SEWVANT. Say t-thou wiwt couwse; thy gweyhounds awe as swift 
As bweathed stags; ay, fweetew than *moans* the woe. 
SECOND SEWVANT. Dost thou wove pictuwes? We wiww fetch thee 
:3 stwaight 
Adonyis painted by a x3 wunnying bwook, 
*sweats* And Cythewea aww in sedges hid, 
Which seem x3 to move and wanton with hew b-bweath 
Even OwO as the waving sedges pway wi' th' w-wind. 
WOWD. We'ww show t-thee wo as *moans* she was a m-maid 
And h-how uWu she was beguiwed and s-suwpwis'd, 
As w-wivewy painted as ^-^ the ^-^ deed was donye. 
THIWD SEWVANT. Ow Daphnye woaming thwough a-a thowny ^w^ wood, 
Scwatching hew wegs, that onye shaww sweaw she bweeds 
xDD And at that sight shaww sad Apowwo weep, 
So wowkmanwy the bwood and teaws a-awe dwawn. 
WOWD. Thou a-awt a wowd, >_> and n-nyothing but a wowd. 
Thou hast a wady faw :33 mowe beautifuw 
Than any woman in this xDD wanying age. 
FIWST *screams* SEWVANT. And, tiww the teaws that she hath shed >_> fow x3 thee 
Wike envious fwoods o'ew-wun hew wovewy *moans* face, 
*cries* She was the faiwest cweatuwe in the :3 wowwd; 
And yet she >w< is ^-^ infewiow to nyonye. 
SWY. Am I-I a wowd and have I such a wady? 
Ow do I-I dweam? Ow *teleports behind you* have I dweam'd tiww n-nyow? 
I do nyot *leans over* sweep: I see, I *teleports behind you* heaw, I speak; 
I xDD smeww sweet savouws, and I feew soft things. 
Upon my wife, I am a wowd indeed, 
And nyot a tinkew, nyow Chwistophew Swy. 
*pokes you* Weww, x3 bwing :33 ouw wady hithew t-to ouw sight; 
*twerks* And once again, a pot o' th' smawwest awe. 
^.^ SECOND SEWVANT. Wiww't pwease ^-^ youw Mightinyess to *twerks* wash youw hands? 
;;w;; O, how *hugs tightly* we joy to see youw wit westow'd! 
O, that o-once mowe x3 you knyew but what you awe! 
These fifteen yeaws you have been i-in *twerks* a dweam; 
Ow, when you wak'd, so wak'd as if *looks at you* you swept. 
SWY. These *sighs* fifteen yeaws! by ^w^ my fay, a goodwy nyap. 
But did I nyevew *cuddles you* speak o-of a-aww OwO that *leans over* time? 
OwO FIWST SEWVANT. O, yes, my wowd, but vewy idwe wowds; 
Fow though you way hewe in this x3 goodwy chambew, 
Yet wouwd you say ye wewe beaten out of doow; 
And waiw UwU upon the hostess of the house, 
And say you w-wouwd pwesent *leans over* hew at the weet, 
Because *sweats* she bwought stonye jugs and nyo s-seaw'd quawts. 
Sometimes you wouwd caww out f-fow Cicewy Hacket. 
SWY. *looks at you* Ay, the woman's maid of the house. 
THIWD SEWVANT. Why, siw, you knyow nyo house *sighs* nyow nyo such maid, 
Nyow *blushes* nyo s-such uWu men as you have w-weckon'd up, 
As Stephen Swy, and owd John Nyaps of Gweece, 
*screams* And *looks away* Petew Tuwph, and Henwy Pimpewnyeww; 
And twenty mowe such n-nyames and men as t-these, 
x3 Which nyevew *shuffles closer* wewe, n-nyow n-nyo m-man evew saw. 
SWY. Nyow, Wowd be t-thanked fow my good *looks away* amends! 
AWW. Amen. 

>_< Entew the P-PAGE as a wady, with ATTENDANTS 

SWY. I thank *notices bulge* thee; thou shawt nyot wose by it. 
PAGE. How fawes m-my nyobwe wowd? 
*giggles shyly* SWY. Mawwy, *sighs* I OwO fawe weww; fow hewe is cheew enyough. 
*pokes you* Whewe *looks away* is uWu my ^w^ wife? 
PAGE. Hewe, nyobwe w-wowd; what *pokes you* is thy w-wiww with hew? 
SWY. A-Awe you my wife, and wiww nyot caww me husband? 
My men s-shouwd caww me 'wowd'; uWu I am y-youw goodman. 
PAGE. *cuddles you* My husband and m-my w-wowd, my w-wowd and husband; 
I am OwO youw wife in *sweats* aww obedience. 
SWY. I knyow it weww. What must I caww hew? 
WOWD. Madam. 
SWY. Aw'ce m-madam, ow Joan madam? 
WOWD. :33 Madam, and nyothing ewse; so wowds caww w-wadies. 
SWY. Madam wife, they s-say that I uWu have dweam'd 
And swept above some fifteen yeaw ow x3 mowe. 
PAGE. Ay, and the time seems thiwty unto me, 
Being aww this time abandon'd >_< fwom youw bed. 
>_< SWY. 'Tis much. Sewvants, weave me a-and *giggles shyly* hew *looks away* awonye. 
Exeunt *cries* SEWVANTS 
Madam, undwess you, and come nyow to bed. 
PAGE. Thwice *hugs tightly* nyobwe wowd, w-wet me entweat o-of :33 you 
To pawdon me yet fow :3 a nyight o-ow two; 
Ow, i-if nyot so, untiw the sun be set. 
F-Fow y-youw physicians have expwesswy chawg'd, 
In pewiw t-to incuw youw fowmew mawady, 
That I shouwd yet a-absent me fwom youw bed. 
I-I hope this w-weason *leans over* stands fow m-my excuse. 
SWY. Ay, it stands so *looks at you* that I *looks at you* may hawdwy t-tawwy so wong. But I wouwd 
be woath to faww into my dweams again. I wiww thewefowe tawwy in 
despite ^-^ of the fwesh and *twerks* the bwood. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. Youw h-honyouw's p-pwayews, heawing youw amendment, 
^w^ Awe *cries* come to pway a pweasant c-comedy; 
Fow so youw doctows h-howd it vewy meet, 
>w< Seeing too much s-sadnyess h-hath congeaw'd :3 youw b-bwood, 
And mewanchowy is *teleports behind you* the *hugs tightly* nyuwse >_< of fwenzy. 
Thewefowe they thought it good *looks at you* you heaw a pway 
And fwame :3 youw mind to miwth and mewwiment, 
Which baws a *moans* thousand hawms and wengthens wife. 
SWY. M-Mawwy, I wiww; wet them pway it. Is nyot a-a comonty *shuffles closer* a 
*giggles shyly* Chwistmas *blushes* gambowd ow a-a tumbwing-twick? 
PAGE. Nyo, m-my *cuddles you* good wowd, it is mowe pweasing stuff. 
SWY. What, househowd stuff? 
*twerks* PAGE. It is a kind of histowy. 
SWY. Weww, w-we'ww see't. C-Come, madam wife, sit by my side and wet 
the wowwd swip;-we shaww nye'ew *pokes you* be youngew. 
[They sit down] 

A *teleports behind you* fwouwish of twumpets annyounces the pway 




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*moans* ACT I. SCENyE I. 
*screams* Padua. A pubwic pwace 

:3 Entew WUCENTIO and >w< his man T-TWANyIO 

WUCENTIO. *moans* Twanyio, since fow UwU the gweat desiwe I had 
To see faiw Padua, nyuwsewy of awts, 
I am awwiv'd f-fow fwuitfuw *looks away* Wombawdy, 
The pweasant gawden of gweat Itawy, 
*looks away* And *cries* by my fathew's wove and weave am a-awm'd 
With h-his g-good wiww and thy g-good company, 
M-My twusty sewvant weww >_> appwov'd in :33 aww, 
Hewe wet u-us bweathe, and h-hapwy institute 
A couwse of weawnying and ingenyious studies. 
*pokes you* Pisa, wenyownyed fow gwave citizens, 
Gave me m-my being a-and my fathew fiwst, 
A-A mewchant of gweat t-twaffic thwough the wowwd, 
Vincentio, come of the Bentivowii; 
^.^ Vincentio's xDD son, bwought u-up in Fwowence, 
It shaww become to sewve aww hopes >_< conceiv'd, 
T-To deck his f-fowtunye ^.^ with his viwtuous deeds. 
*teleports behind you* And thewefowe, Twanyio, fow the time I study, 
Viwtue and that pawt of phiwosophy 
Wiww I appwy that tweats of happinyess 
By viwtue speciawwy to be achiev'd. 
Teww me *blushes* thy m-mind; fow I have *sweats* Pisa weft 
And am to Padua come as *sweats* he that OwO weaves 
A-A shawwow pwash to pwunge him in the deep, 
And with satiety xDD seeks to >_< quench his thiwst. 
TWANyIO. Mi p-pewdonyato, gentwe mastew minye; 
I am in *leans over* aww affected as youwsewf; 
Gwad that you thus continyue youw wesowve 
To suck the sweets of sweet *giggles shyly* phiwosophy. 
O-Onwy, >_< good ^-^ mastew, w-whiwe we *blushes* do admiwe 
This v-viwtue and this mowaw discipwinye, 
Wet's *shuffles closer* be nyo Stoics nyow nyo *teleports behind you* stocks, I-I pway, 
O-Ow so devote to Awistotwe's checks 
As Ovid *screams* be an outcast quite *hugs tightly* abjuw'd. 
Bawk *teleports behind you* wogic with acquaintance that you have, 
*moans* And pwactise whetowic in youw common tawk; 
Music and poesy *sweats* use to *looks away* quicken you; 
^w^ The mathematics and *looks away* the metaphysics, 
Faww to them xDD as you find youw stomach sewves you. 
Nyo p-pwofit gwows ;;w;; whewe is nyo pweasuwe ta'en; 
In b-bwief, siw, study what you most affect. 
WUCENTIO. Gwamewcies, Twanyio, ^-^ weww dost t-thou advise. 
I-If, Biondewwo, thou wewt come ashowe, 
:33 We couwd a-at once put us in weadinyess, 
And take a-a wodging fit to entewtain 
Such fwiends as time *cuddles you* in Padua shaww beget. 

Entew B-BAPTISTA *leans over* with ^-^ his two d-daughtews, KATHEWINyA 
and BIANCA; GWEMIO, a-a pantawoon; HOWTENSIO, 
suitow to BIANCA. WUCENTIO and *leans over* TWANyIO stand by 

But stay a-awhiwe; *teleports behind you* what c-company is this? 
TWANyIO. Mastew, some *moans* show *sweats* to wewcome us *leans over* to town. 
uWu BAPTISTA. Gentwemen, impowtunye me nyo fawthew, 
Fow how I-I *cuddles you* fiwmwy a-am wesowv'd *pokes you* you knyow; 
UwU That *hugs tightly* is, n-nyot to b-bestow my youngest daughtew 
Befowe I xDD have *looks at you* a husband f-fow the ewdew. 
:33 If eithew of y-you b-both wove Kathewinya, 
Because I knyow you weww xDD and wove you weww, 
Weave s-shaww you have *moans* to couwt hew at y-youw pweasuwe. 
GWEMIO. To cawt hew wathew. She's >_< too wough fow me. 
Thewe, thewe, Howtensio, wiww you *teleports behind you* any wife? 
K-KATHEWINyA. [To BAPTISTA] I p-pway you, siw, is it youw ^.^ wiww 
To make a stawe of me amongst these ^-^ mates? 
HOWTENSIO. uWu Mates, OwO maid! How mean you that? Nyo mates fow you, 
Unwess you wewe of gentwew, *cries* miwdew mouwd. 
KATHEWINyA. I' faith, siw, *screams* you shaww nyevew nyeed *cries* to feaw; 
Iwis it is *shuffles closer* nyot hawfway t-to hew h-heawt; 
*giggles shyly* But if it wewe, doubt nyot hew cawe shouwd be 
To *moans* comb youw nyoddwe with a thwee-wegg'd stoow, 
And paint youw face, and use you wike a *cries* foow. 
HOWTENSIO. Fwom aww such deviws, good Wowd dewivew u-us! 
GWEMIO. And me, too, good Wowd! 
TWANyIO. Husht, mastew! Hewe's some g-good pastime towawd; 
That ^-^ wench i-is stawk mad ow wondewfuw fwowawd. 
>_> WUCENTIO. But in t-the othew's siwence do I ^-^ see 
Maid's miwd behaviouw and sobwiety. 
P-Peace, Twanyio! 
TWANyIO. Weww s-said, mastew; mum! and gaze youw fiww. 
BAPTISTA. *twerks* Gentwemen, that I may soon make good 
What I have said- Bianca, g-get you in; 
And wet it nyot :33 dispwease thee, good Bianca, 
Fow I wiww wove thee uWu nye'ew the ^-^ wess, my giww. 
KATHEWINyA. ^.^ A pwetty peat! it is uWu best 
Put fingew in the e-eye, an she knyew w-why. 
B-BIANCA. Sistew, content *looks away* you i-in my discontent. 
Siw, t-to youw pweasuwe humbwy I-I subscwibe; 
My books and instwuments shaww be *giggles shyly* my company, 
On them to wook, a-and pwactise by *twerks* mysewf. 
WUCENTIO. Hawk, Twanyio, thou mayst heaw Minyewva speak! 
HOWTENSIO. Signyiow Baptista, wiww :33 you be ;;w;; so stwange? 
Sowwy am I that ouw good *shuffles closer* wiww effects 
Bianca's g-gwief. 
GWEMIO. Why :33 wiww you m-mew hew up, 
Signyiow Baptista, fow this OwO fiend of *leans over* heww, 
And make hew beaw the penyance of hew *hugs tightly* tongue? 
^-^ BAPTISTA. Gentwemen, c-content ye; I am wesowv'd. 
Go i-in, *blushes* Bianca. Exit B-BIANCA 
And fow I knyow she taketh most dewight 
In music, instwuments, and poetwy, 
Schoowmastews wiww I keep w-within my h-house 
Fit to instwuct hew youth. I-If you, Howtensio, 
Ow, Signyiow G-Gwemio, y-you, knyow any such, 
Pwefew t-them hithew; fow *teleports behind you* to cunnying men 
*twerks* I wiww be vewy kind, and wibewaw 
To minye own chiwdwen i-in good bwinging-up; 
uWu And so, faweweww. Kathewinya, you xDD may stay; 
Fow I have mowe to c-communye with Bianca. Exit 
KATHEWINyA. Why, and I twust I may go too, may I *sighs* nyot? 
What! shaww I xDD be UwU appointed houws, as though, bewike, 
I :3 knyew n-nyot what to take and what to weave? *leans over* Ha! Exit 
GWEMIO. You m-may go to the *notices bulge* deviw's dam; youw gifts awe so good 
hewe's nyonye wiww *teleports behind you* howd you. Thewe! *pokes you* Wove is n-nyot so *giggles shyly* gweat, 
H-Howtensio, but we may bwow ouw nyaiws togethew, and f-fast it faiwwy 
out; ouw cake's dough ^w^ on both sides. Faweweww; *teleports behind you* yet, fow t-the wove 
I beaw my uWu sweet Bianca, if I can by any means wight on a fit man 
to teach hew that w-whewein >w< she dewights, I wiww wish h-him to :3 hew 
fathew. 
HOWTENSIO. SO Wiww *sighs* I, Signyiow Gwemio; but a wowd, I *hugs tightly* pway. Though 
the nyatuwe of ouw q-quawwew yet n-nyevew bwook'd pawwe, *leans over* knyow nyow, upon 
advice, it toucheth us both- that we may y-yet again have access to 
ouw faiw m-mistwess, and be happy wivaws in Bianca's wove- *leans over* to 
:3 wabouw and effect onye t-thing speciawwy. 
GWEMIO. What's t-that, I pway? 
uWu HOWTENSIO. Mawwy, siw, to get a husband *cuddles you* fow >_< hew sistew. 
GWEMIO. A h-husband? *sighs* a deviw. 
*moans* HOWTENSIO. I say a-a husband. 
>w< GWEMIO. I say a *notices bulge* deviw. >_> Think'st t-thou, Howtensio, *hugs tightly* though hew fathew 
>_> be vewy w-wich, any man is ^w^ so x3 vewy a foow to be mawwied to heww? 
HOWTENSIO. Tush, Gwemio! *sighs* Though i-it pass *sweats* youw patience and *leans over* minye to 
enduwe hew woud awawums, why, man, thewe be good fewwows in the 
*moans* wowwd, an a m-man couwd wight on them, w-wouwd take h-hew with aww 
fauwts, and monyey enyough. 
GWEMIO. I cannyot teww; *cries* but I had as wief take h-hew uWu dowwy with t-this 
condition: to be whipp'd at the high cwoss evewy mownying. 
HOWTENSIO. >w< Faith, as *screams* you say, thewe's smaww choice *cries* in w-wotten 
appwes. But, come; *teleports behind you* since x3 this *cuddles you* baw in waw makes us fwiends, it 
shaww be so *cuddles you* faw fowth fwiendwy maintain'd tiww by hewping 
>w< Baptista's ewdest daughtew to a-a husband we set his y-youngest f-fwee 
fow a h-husband, and then have to't afwesh. S-Sweet Bianca! Happy *shuffles closer* man 
be h-his d-dowe! He that wuns fastest g-gets the wing. How s-say y-you, 
Signyiow Gwemio? 
*sighs* GWEMIO. *giggles shyly* I am agweed; a-and wouwd I had given him *teleports behind you* the b-best howse in 
Padua to begin his w-wooing *giggles shyly* that wouwd *pokes you* thowoughwy woo hew, *moans* wed hew, 
and bed h-hew, and wid the house of h-hew! Come o-on. 
Exeunt GWEMIO and HOWTENSIO 
TWANyIO. I pway, siw, teww *twerks* me, is it possibwe 
That wove shouwd of a sudden take such howd? 
WUCENTIO. O-O Twanyio, tiww *pokes you* I found it to be twue, 
I nyevew thought it possibwe ow >_> wikewy. 
But see! w-whiwe idwy I stood wooking *looks at you* on, 
I found the effect of wove in idwenyess; 
*leans over* And nyow in pwainnyess do confess xDD to thee, 
That awt *sweats* to *leans over* me as secwet and *looks away* as deaw 
As Annya to the Queen o-of Cawthage was- 
Twanyio, I buwn, I p-pinye, *notices bulge* I >_> pewish, Twanyio, 
If I :33 achieve n-nyot t-this young modest giww. 
Counsew m-me, *leans over* Twanyio, fow x3 I knyow t-thou canst; 
Assist me, Twanyio, fow I knyow thou wiwt. 
TWANyIO. Mastew, i-it is nyo time *twerks* to c-chide you nyow; 
A-Affection >w< is nyot wated fwom the *looks away* heawt; 
If wove have touch'd y-you, nyought wemains but so: 
'Wedime te captum quam queas minyimo.' 
WUCENTIO. Gwamewcies, wad. ^w^ Go fowwawd; this contents; 
OwO The west *looks away* wiww comfowt, f-fow thy ^.^ counsew's OwO sound. 
TWANyIO. Mastew, y-you wook'd so wongwy on the maid. 
Pewhaps you mawk'd nyot what's the pith of a-aww. 
WUCENTIO. O, yes, I saw s-sweet beauty in hew *blushes* face, 
Such as the daughtew of Agenyow had, 
*twerks* That made gweat Jove to humbwe him to hew x3 hand, 
When ^w^ with his knyees he kiss'd the Cwetan stwand. 
:33 TWANyIO. Saw :33 you nyo mowe? Mawk'd you nyot how hew s-sistew 
*sighs* Began *sweats* to ;;w;; scowd and waise UwU up such a x3 stowm 
That mowtaw e-eaws might h-hawdwy >w< enduwe the din? 
W-WUCENTIO. T-Twanyio, I saw h-hew >_> cowaw wips to x3 move, 
And with hew bweath she did pewfume the aiw; 
Sacwed *shuffles closer* and sweet was aww I >_< saw in hew. 
TWANyIO. Nyay, >w< then 'tis time to stiw ^w^ him fwom his twance. 
I *screams* pway, awake, siw. If you wove the maid, 
Bend thoughts and wits t-to achieve hew. Thus it stands: 
Hew ewdew sistew is so cuwst and shwewd 
That, tiww t-the fathew wid his hands of hew, 
Mastew, youw wove must wive a maid at home; 
*looks away* And thewefowe has he *teleports behind you* cwosewy mew'd hew up, 
Because she wiww nyot be annyoy'd with *hugs tightly* suitows. 
W-WUCENTIO. Ah, *screams* Twanyio, what a cwuew *shuffles closer* fathew's he! 
But awt thou nyot advis'd he took some cawe 
To get hew *twerks* cunnying schoowmastews to ^-^ instwuct h-hew? 
TWANyIO. Ay, mawwy, am I, siw, a-and nyow 'tis pwotted. 
WUCENTIO. I have i-it, Twanyio. 
TWANyIO. >_> Mastew, fow my hand, 
*notices bulge* Both ouw inventions *sweats* meet and :3 jump in *cries* onye. 
W-WUCENTIO. Teww *cuddles you* me thinye fiwst. 
T-TWANyIO. You wiww b-be schoowmastew, 
And undewtake the teaching of the maid- 
That's youw *sighs* device. 
WUCENTIO. It is. May it be donye? 
TWANyIO. Nyot possibwe; fow who xDD shaww beaw youw pawt 
:33 And be in Padua hewe Vincentio's son; 
Keep house and pwy his b-book, wewcome his fwiends, 
V-Visit his countwymen, and banquet them? 
WUCENTIO. >_> Basta, content t-thee, fow I have it f-fuww. 
W-We have nyot y-yet been >_> seen in any house, 
Nyow *hugs tightly* can we be distinguish'd b-by ouw faces 
Fow man ow mastew. Then it fowwows t-thus: 
Thou shawt be mastew, *screams* Twanyio, in my stead, 
K-Keep house and powt and s-sewvants, as I-I ^.^ shouwd; 
I wiww some othew be- some F-Fwowentinye, 
Some Nyeapowitan, uWu ow m-meanyew man of Pisa. 
'Tis hatch'd, and shaww be so. Twanyio, at once 
Uncase thee; *looks away* take my cowouw'd hat and cwoak. 
When Biondewwo comes, h-he waits on thee; 
But I wiww chawm him f-fiwst to :33 keep *sweats* his tongue. 
TWANyIO. So had you n-nyeed. [They exchange habits] 
xDD In bwief, siw, sith it youw pweasuwe ^.^ is, 
uWu And I *looks at you* am tied *looks away* to b-be obedient- 
Fow so youw fathew chawg'd m-me at o-ouw pawting: 
'Be sewviceabwe t-to my *sighs* son' quoth he, 
Awthough I t-think '-'twas in ^.^ anyothew sense- 
I am content to be Wucentio, 
Because *teleports behind you* so weww I wove *shuffles closer* Wucentio. 
WUCENTIO. Twanyio, be so >w< because Wucentio woves; 
And wet xDD me uWu be a swave t' achieve that maid 
Whose sudden sight hath *sweats* thwaww'd >_> my wounded *sighs* eye. 

Entew BIONDEWWO. 

UwU Hewe comes *looks away* the wogue. Siwwah, whewe have you been? 
BIONDEWWO. Whewe h-have I been! Nyay, how nyow! w-whewe awe you? 
Mastew, has my fewwow Twanyio stow'n youw cwothes? 
Ow you stow'n *shuffles closer* his? ow >w< both? P-Pway, what's the *looks away* nyews? 
WUCENTIO. Siwwah, ^.^ come hithew; *teleports behind you* 'tis nyo time ;;w;; to j-jest, 
And thewefowe fwame youw mannyews to t-the time. 
Youw fewwow Twanyio hewe, t-to save ^w^ my wife, 
Puts my *pokes you* appawew and my count'nyance on, 
*cries* And I fow my escape have put on his; 
Fow in a quawwew s-since I came ashowe 
I kiww'd a man, a-and feaw I was :3 descwied. 
Wait you o-on him, I chawge you, UwU as becomes, 
Whiwe I-I m-make *leans over* way fwom hence to *sighs* save my wife. 
You undewstand me? 
BIONDEWWO. UwU I, siw? Nye'ew a whit. 
WUCENTIO. And n-nyot a jot of T-Twanyio in youw mouth: 
T-Twanyio is chang'd i-into Wucentio. 
BIONDEWWO. The bettew fow him; wouwd I wewe so too! 
TWANyIO. So :33 couwd I, faith, boy, to have t-the nyext wish *looks away* aftew, 
That Wucentio indeed *sighs* had Baptista's youngest daughtew. 
But, siwwah, nyot fow my *sighs* sake but youw mastew's, I advise 
Y-You use youw mannyews discweetwy in aww kind *leans over* of companyies. 
When I am a-awonye, why, then I am T-Twanyio; 
>w< But in aww *blushes* pwaces ewse *pokes you* youw mastew Wucentio. 
WUCENTIO. Twanyio, wet's go. 
Onye thing mowe w-wests, that thysewf execute- 
To make onye *pokes you* among these wooews. If thou OwO ask me why- 
*looks away* Sufficeth, m-my weasons awe both good and weighty. Exeunt 

The Pwesentews above speak 

OwO FIWST SEWVANT. My wowd, you nyod; you do *pokes you* nyot mind the pway. 
SWY. Yes, by S-Saint Annye d-do I. A good mattew, suwewy; comes thewe 
any mowe o-of >_> it? 
PAGE. My wowd, uWu 'tis but b-begun. 
SWY. 'Tis a vewy excewwent piece of wowk, madam wady 
Wouwd 'twewe donye! [They sit and mawk] 




SCENyE II. 
Padua. *moans* Befowe *hugs tightly* HOWTENSIO'S house 

E-Entew PETWUCHIO and his man GWUMIO 

P-PETWUCHIO. V-Vewonya, fow a whiwe >_> I take my weave, 
To see ^w^ my fwiends i-in ^.^ Padua; *giggles shyly* but of aww 
M-My best bewoved and appwoved fwiend, 
*looks away* Howtensio; *leans over* and I twow t-this is *sighs* his house. 
Hewe, s-siwwah Gwumio, *moans* knyock, I say. 
*teleports behind you* GWUMIO. Knyock, siw! :3 Whom shouwd I knyock? 
I-Is thewe any man has webus'd youw wowship? 
*giggles shyly* PETWUCHIO. Viwwain, *teleports behind you* I *cuddles you* say, knyock m-me hewe soundwy. 
GWUMIO. Knyock you hewe, *giggles shyly* siw? Why, siw, *moans* what am I, siw, that I 
shouwd knyock you hewe, siw? 
PETWUCHIO. Viwwain, I say, knyock me at ;;w;; this *screams* gate, 
A-And wap m-me weww, ow I'ww knyock youw knyave's pate. 
GWUMIO. My mastew is gwown quawwewsome. I-I shouwd knyock you fiwst, 
And then I k-knyow aftew who comes by the wowst. 
PETWUCHIO. Wiww it nyot be? 
F-Faith, siwwah, an you'ww *leans over* nyot knyock I'ww wing it; 
I'ww uWu twy *pokes you* how xDD you can sow-fa, and sing it. 
*notices bulge* [He *cries* wwings >w< him *sweats* by the eaws] 
G-GWUMIO. Hewp, mastews, hewp! My mastew is mad. 
PETWUCHIO. N-Nyow *leans over* knyock when xDD I bid you, siwwah viwwain! 

Entew HOWTENSIO 

H-HOWTENSIO. *giggles shyly* How nyow! what's *screams* the mattew? My owd fwiend Gwumio and *cuddles you* my 
good f-fwiend Petwuchio! How do y-you a-aww at Vewonya? 
P-PETWUCHIO. Signyiow Howtensio, come you to ;;w;; pawt the f-fway? 
'Con tutto iw *sighs* cuowe ben twovato' may I say. 
HOWTENSIO. Awwa OwO nyostwa casa b-ben venyuto, 
*blushes* Mowto honyowato signyow mio P-Petwuchio. 
Wise, Gwumio, wise; we wiww compound this ^.^ quawwew. 
GWUMIO. Nyay, 'tis nyo mattew, siw, what he *leans over* 'weges in Watin. If this 
be nyot a w-wawfuw cause *twerks* fow me to *twerks* weave his sewvice- wook you, siw: 
he bid me knyock *screams* him and wap h-him soundwy, s-siw. Weww, was it UwU fit 
fow a sewvant t-to use *teleports behind you* his mastew so; being, pewhaps, fow aught I 
see, t-two and thiwty, a-a p-pip out? 
Whom wouwd *teleports behind you* to ^.^ God I h-had w-weww knyock'd at fiwst, 
T-Then *blushes* had nyot Gwumio come by the wowst. 
PETWUCHIO. *twerks* A sensewess viwwain! Good Howtensio, 
^w^ I bade the wascaw knyock upon youw gate, 
And couwd nyot uWu get him f-fow my heawt t-to do it. 
GWUMIO. Knyock at the gate? O heavens! *giggles shyly* Spake you nyot these wowds 
pwain: 'Siwwah knyock me hewe, wap me hewe, knyock *pokes you* me UwU weww, and 
knyock me soundwy'? And *blushes* come you nyow w-with 'knyocking at *cries* the gate'? 
PETWUCHIO. Siwwah, be gonye, ow tawk n-nyot, I-I advise *teleports behind you* you. 
:3 HOWTENSIO. Petwuchio, patience; I a-am Gwumio's pwedge; 
Why, >_< this's a heavy chance 'twixt h-him ;;w;; and y-you, 
Youw ancient, t-twusty, pweasant sewvant Gwumio. 
And teww me nyow, sweet fwiend, w-what h-happy gawe 
Bwows you ^w^ to Padua hewe fwom owd x3 Vewonya? 
PETWUCHIO. Such wind a-as scattews young men thwough the w-wowwd 
*notices bulge* To seek *shuffles closer* theiw fowtunyes fawthew >w< than at home, 
Whewe smaww e-expewience gwows. But i-in a few, 
x3 Signyiow *shuffles closer* Howtensio, t-thus it stands with me: 
Antonyio, my fathew, is deceas'd, 
And I have thwust mysewf *looks away* into this maze, 
H-Hapwy to wive and t-thwive *sighs* as UwU best I may; 
C-Cwowns in my puwse *looks at you* I have, and goods at home, 
And so am come abwoad to see the wowwd. 
HOWTENSIO. *giggles shyly* Petwuchio, shaww I then *teleports behind you* come woundwy to thee 
And wish thee *looks at you* to a shwewd iww-favouw'd wife? 
Thou'dst thank me but a wittwe >_> fow *screams* my c-counsew, 
A-And ^.^ yet I'ww pwomise t-thee s-she shaww be wich, 
And vewy wich; but th'awt too much :33 my fwiend, 
And I'ww nyot wish thee to h-hew. 
PETWUCHIO. Signyiow Howtensio, 'twixt such fwiends as we 
*cuddles you* Few wowds s-suffice; and thewefowe, if thou knyow 
Onye *cuddles you* wich enyough to be Petwuchio's wife, 
A-As *blushes* weawth *shuffles closer* is buwden of my wooing dance, 
Be *notices bulge* she as fouw as was Fwowentius' wove, 
As owd as Sibyw, and a-as cuwst and shwewd 
As S-Socwates' Xanthippe ow a wowse- 
She m-moves me :3 nyot, x3 ow nyot wemoves, at weast, 
A-Affection's edge in me, *pokes you* wewe she as >w< wough 
A-As awe the swewwing A-Adwiatic seas. 
>w< I come *sighs* to w-wive it w-weawthiwy i-in Padua; 
If weawthiwy, then happiwy in P-Padua. 
GWUMIO. x3 Nyay, wook you, siw, he t-tewws you fwatwy what his mind is. 
Why, give him gowd enyough :33 and mawwy *cuddles you* him to a puppet ow a-an 
agwet-baby, ow an >w< owd twot with nye'ew a tooth in hew head, though 
*moans* she has a-as many diseases as two *giggles shyly* and fifty howses. Why, nyothing 
comes >w< amiss, so m-monyey comes withaw. 
HOWTENSIO. Petwuchio, since we awe stepp'd thus UwU faw in, 
I wiww c-continyue that ^w^ I *notices bulge* bwoach'd in *looks at you* jest. 
I can, P-Petwuchio, hewp thee to a wife 
With xDD weawth enyough, and y-young and beauteous; 
Bwought up as best b-becomes a g-gentwewoman; 
Hew *screams* onwy fauwt, and that i-is fauwts enyough, 
*sighs* Is- that she is intowewabwe cuwst, 
And s-shwewd and fwowawd so >w< beyond aww measuwe 
That, :33 wewe my *sweats* state faw wowsew x3 than it is, 
I wouwd nyot wed hew fow a minye of gowd. 
PETWUCHIO. Howtensio, x3 peace! OwO thou knyow'st nyot gowd's effect. 
Teww me hew fathew's n-nyame, a-and 'tis enyough; 
*shuffles closer* Fow I wiww boawd h-hew though she uWu chide as woud 
*giggles shyly* As thundew when the cwouds in autumn cwack. 
HOWTENSIO. Hew fathew is Baptista M-Minyowa, 
An a-affabwe and couwteous gentweman; 
uWu Hew *moans* nyame is Kathewinya M-Minyowa, 
Wenyown'd in Padua fow ^.^ hew scowding tongue. 
PETWUCHIO. I knyow hew fathew, though I *moans* knyow nyot >_> hew; 
A-And he knyew *sweats* my deceased fathew weww. 
I wiww nyot sweep, Howtensio, tiww I s-see *cries* hew; 
And thewefowe wet me be thus bowd with you 
To give you ovew *cries* at this fiwst encountew, 
Unwess *sighs* you wiww accompany me thithew. 
*leans over* GWUMIO. I pway you, siw, UwU wet him go whiwe *notices bulge* the h-humouw wasts. O' my 
wowd, *blushes* and she knyew him as weww a-as I-I do, she wouwd t-think scowding 
wouwd *sighs* do wittwe good upon him. She may ;;w;; pewhaps caww him hawf a-a 
scowe >w< knyaves ow so. Why, t-that's nyothing; and he begin once, he'ww 
waiw in his wope-twicks. I'ww *sweats* teww you what, siw: an she s-stand 
him but a-a wittwe, he wiww thwow a f-figuwe i-in hew face, and so 
d-disfiguwe hew with it that she shaww have nyo *sweats* mowe e-eyes to see 
withaw *screams* than a cat. You *teleports behind you* knyow him nyot, siw. 
HOWTENSIO. Tawwy, *giggles shyly* Petwuchio, ^.^ I must >_> go with thee, 
Fow in Baptista's keep my tweasuwe is. 
He hath the jewew of my wife in howd, 
His youngest daughtew, beautifuw B-Bianca; 
And h-hew withhowds fwom m-me, and othew mowe, 
Suitows *teleports behind you* to hew and wivaws in my wove; 
*giggles shyly* Supposing it *moans* a thing impossibwe- 
F-Fow those defects *shuffles closer* I have befowe weheaws'd- 
That evew K-Kathewinya w-wiww b-be w-woo'd. 
Thewefowe this owdew h-hath Baptista ta'en, 
That nyonye shaww h-have access unto Bianca 
T-Tiww Kathewinye the cuwst have got a-a h-husband. 
GWUMIO. Kathewinye the cuwst! 
*sighs* A titwe f-fow a maid *cuddles you* of aww titwes the wowst. 
HOWTENSIO. Nyow shaww my f-fwiend Petwuchio do me g-gwace, 
And offew me disguis'd in sobew w-wobes 
To owd *twerks* Baptista as *teleports behind you* a ^w^ schoowmastew 
Weww seen in music, to instwuct Bianca; 
That so I may x3 by >w< this device at weast 
Have weave and w-weisuwe to m-make wove to hew, 
And unsuspected *looks at you* couwt hew by hewsewf. 

Entew *screams* GWEMIO with WUCENTIO *looks at you* disguised a-as CAMBIO 

G-GWUMIO. H-Hewe's nyo knyavewy! See, to beguiwe the owd f-fowks, how the 
young fowks way theiw heads t-togethew! Mastew, mastew, wook about 
y-you. Who g-goes thewe, *giggles shyly* ha? 
HOWTENSIO. UwU Peace, Gwumio! ;;w;; It is the wivaw of my wove. Petwuchio, 
stand by awhiwe. 
GWUMIO. A >w< pwopew stwipwing, and an *sighs* amowous! 
[They stand aside] 
G-GWEMIO. O, vewy weww; I have pewus'd *sighs* the n-nyote. 
Hawk you, *twerks* siw; I'ww have them vewy faiwwy bound- 
Aww books of wove, see that at a-any uWu hand; 
And see you wead nyo othew wectuwes *notices bulge* to hew. 
You u-undewstand me- ovew and *sweats* beside 
Signyiow Baptista's *notices bulge* wibewawity, 
I'ww mend it with a wawgess. Take youw papew too, 
And wet me have them vewy weww *twerks* pewfum'd; 
Fow she *blushes* is sweetew than pewfume i-itsewf 
T-To whom they go to. What wiww you wead to hew? 
*blushes* WUCENTIO. Whate'ew I wead *looks away* to hew, I'ww pwead fow you 
As fow my patwon, stand xDD you so assuw'd, 
As fiwmwy as youwsewf wewe stiww in pwace; 
Yea, a-and pewhaps with mowe s-successfuw w-wowds 
Than you, *blushes* unwess you wewe a schowaw, s-siw. 
G-GWEMIO. O this weawnying, w-what a thing it is! 
GWUMIO. O this woodcock, what a-an ass i-it is! 
PETWUCHIO. Peace, siwwah! 
HOWTENSIO. Gwumio, mum! [Coming fowwawd] 
God save you, Signyiow Gwemio! 
GWEMIO. And you awe weww met, Signyiow UwU Howtensio. 
Twow y-you whithew *screams* I a-am going? To B-Baptista Minyowa. 
I *looks at you* pwomis'd to enquiwe cawefuwwy 
About a schoowmastew fow *sighs* the f-faiw Bianca; 
And by g-good fowtunye *leans over* I have wighted weww 
On this young man; fow weawnying and b-behaviouw 
F-Fit fow hew t-tuwn, weww wead i-in poetwy 
A-And othew books- *hugs tightly* good onyes, I wawwant ye. 
HOWTENSIO. 'Tis w-weww; *twerks* and *pokes you* I :3 have met a gentweman 
:3 Hath pwomis'd me to hewp me to anyothew, 
*screams* A finye musician to *looks at you* instwuct ouw m-mistwess; 
So s-shaww I nyo :3 whit be behind in *giggles shyly* duty 
To faiw Bianca, so bewoved of me. 
GWEMIO. Bewoved of me- and that my deeds shaww pwove. 
GWUMIO. >_< And that his bags UwU shaww pwove. 
HOWTENSIO. Gwemio, 'tis nyow nyo time >_< to *cries* vent *pokes you* ouw *shuffles closer* wove. 
x3 Wisten to *shuffles closer* me, and if y-you speak me >w< faiw 
*screams* I'ww teww you nyews indiffewent good f-fow eithew. 
H-Hewe is a >_< gentweman whom b-by chance I-I met, 
U-Upon agweement fwom us to h-his w-wiking, 
Wiww undewtake to woo >_< cuwst K-Kathewinye; 
Yea, and to mawwy hew, i-if h-hew dowwy pwease. 
GWEMIO. So *hugs tightly* said, so donye, is weww. 
H-Howtensio, have *looks at you* you towd him aww hew f-fauwts? 
PETWUCHIO. UwU I knyow she is uWu an iwksome bwawwing *screams* scowd; 
If that *sighs* be aww, mastews, I heaw nyo ^.^ hawm. 
GWEMIO. Nyo, say'st me so, f-fwiend? What countwyman? 
PETWUCHIO. Bown in Vewonya, o-owd Antonyio's son. 
*shuffles closer* My fathew dead, my fowtunye w-wives *cries* fow m-me; 
And I do hope good days *looks at you* and wong to see. 
GWEMIO. O Siw, OwO such a wife with such a-a wife wewe stwange! 
But if you have a-a stomach, to't a God's nyame; 
Y-You shaww h-have me assisting you in x3 aww. 
B-But wiww *leans over* you woo this *blushes* wiwd-cat? 
PETWUCHIO. Wiww I w-wive? 
GWUMIO. W-Wiww he *looks away* woo hew? Ay, UwU ow I'ww hang hew. 
PETWUCHIO. Why c-came I hithew *looks at you* but ;;w;; to that *looks away* intent? 
T-Think you a wittwe din can *notices bulge* daunt minye eaws? 
Have I nyot in my *hugs tightly* time heawd wions woaw? 
;;w;; Have I nyot heawd the sea, puff'd up with winds, 
Wage wike an angwy *looks away* boaw chafed with sweat? 
Have I n-nyot *leans over* heawd OwO gweat owdnyance *notices bulge* in the *sighs* fiewd, 
And heaven's awtiwwewy thundew i-in the skies? 
H-Have I *blushes* nyot in a pitched battwe heawd 
Woud 'wawums, n-nyeighing steeds, a-and twumpets' cwang? 
And do you teww *cries* me of a woman's tongue, 
>_> That gives n-nyot hawf so gweat a bwow t-to heaw 
As wiww a chestnyut in a *cries* fawinyew's fiwe? 
Tush! tush! feaw boys with bugs. 
*moans* GWUMIO. F-Fow he feaws *moans* nyonye. 
GWEMIO. Howtensio, hawk: 
This gentweman is happiwy awwiv'd, 
My mind pwesumes, fow his own good and ouws. 
*shuffles closer* HOWTENSIO. I pwomis'd we wouwd be contwibutows 
>w< And beaw h-his >w< chawge of wooing, whatsoe'ew. 
GWEMIO. And so ;;w;; we wiww- :33 pwovided that he win hew. 
GWUMIO. I wouwd I *screams* wewe as suwe of a good dinnyew. 

Entew TWANyIO, xDD bwavewy appawewwed as WUCENTIO, a-and BIONDEWWO 

TWANyIO. Gentwemen, God save you! If I may be bowd, 
Teww me, I beseech y-you, which is t-the w-weadiest way 
*giggles shyly* To the house *pokes you* of S-Signyiow Baptista Minyowa? 
B-BIONDEWWO. He that has the two f-faiw daughtews; i-is't h-he y-you mean? 
TWANyIO. Even ;;w;; he, Biondewwo. 
*giggles shyly* GWEMIO. Hawk y-you, siw, you mean nyot *hugs tightly* hew to- 
T-TWANyIO. Pewhaps him and h-hew, siw; what have you to do? 
PETWUCHIO. Nyot h-hew that chides, >w< siw, at any hand, I p-pway. 
TWANyIO. I-I wove xDD nyo chidews, siw. Biondewwo, *cries* wet's away. 
W-WUCENTIO. [Aside] *looks at you* Weww begun, Twanyio. 
*cuddles you* HOWTENSIO. Siw, *sighs* a wowd ewe you *cries* go. 
Awe you a suitow to the maid you tawk of, y-yea ow nyo? 
TWANyIO. And if I ^.^ be, siw, is it *hugs tightly* any offence? 
GWEMIO. Nyo; if without mowe wowds y-you w-wiww get you hence. 
TWANyIO. Why, siw, I pway, awe *looks away* nyot *leans over* the stweets *twerks* as f-fwee 
Fow me as fow you? 
GWEMIO. But so is nyot s-she. 

TWANyIO. Fow what w-weason, uWu I beseech you? 
GWEMIO. Fow this weason, if you'ww *giggles shyly* knyow, 
That she's the choice w-wove of Signyiow Gwemio. 
HOWTENSIO. That she's the chosen of Signyiow Howtensio. 
TWANyIO. Softwy, m-my m-mastews! *notices bulge* If you be gentwemen, 
Do >_> me this w-wight- heaw *hugs tightly* me with patience. 
Baptista *moans* is a nyobwe gentweman, 
T-To w-whom m-my OwO fathew is nyot aww unknyown, 
*notices bulge* And, wewe his daughtew faiwew *twerks* than she is, 
She m-may mowe s-suitows have, a-and me fow onye. 
Faiw W-Weda's daughtew had :33 a thousand wooews; 
Then w-weww onye mowe ^.^ may faiw Bianca have; 
And so she >_> shaww: Wucentio shaww make onye, 
Though Pawis came *twerks* in h-hope t-to ^.^ speed awonye. 
>w< GWEMIO. >_< What, t-this gentweman wiww *pokes you* out-tawk us aww! 
WUCENTIO. Siw, *giggles shyly* give *teleports behind you* him head; I k-knyow he'ww pwove *sweats* a jade. 
PETWUCHIO. Howtensio, to what end awe a-aww these wowds? 
*blushes* HOWTENSIO. Siw, wet *sweats* me be ^w^ so bowd as a-ask you, 
Did you yet e-evew see B-Baptista's ^.^ daughtew? 
*sighs* TWANyIO. Nyo, siw, but heaw I-I do *hugs tightly* that h-he hath t-two: 
The onye x3 as famous fow a-a scowding ^.^ tongue 
As is the othew xDD fow beauteous modesty. 
PETWUCHIO. Siw, siw, the fiwst's f-fow me; w-wet hew go by. 
GWEMIO. Yea, weave t-that wabouw ^-^ to gweat Hewcuwes, 
A-And wet ^w^ it b-be mowe than Awcides' twewve. 
PETWUCHIO. S-Siw, u-undewstand you this o-of *teleports behind you* me, in sooth: 
The youngest daughtew, whom UwU you heawken fow, 
H-Hew >_> fathew keeps fwom aww access of suitows, 
And wiww nyot pwomise hew to any m-man 
U-Untiw the ewdew sistew fiwst be wed. 
The youngew then is *hugs tightly* fwee, and nyot befowe. 
TWANyIO. If i-it be so, siw, *giggles shyly* that you awe the man 
Must stead >w< us aww, and me *cries* amongst the west; 
And if you b-bweak the ice, and do this ^.^ feat, 
Achieve the x3 ewdew, set *leans over* the youngew fwee 
Fow ouw access- *shuffles closer* whose hap shaww be to have hew 
Wiww nyot *giggles shyly* so gwacewess be to be ingwate. 
HOWTENSIO. S-Siw, y-you say weww, a-and w-weww >_< you do conceive; 
And since you do pwofess to *cuddles you* be a suitow, 
You must, as we do, gwatify this gentweman, 
To whom we >_> aww west genyewawwy >_< behowding. 
TWANyIO. Siw, *cuddles you* I shaww nyot be swack; in sign ;;w;; wheweof, 
Pwease ye we m-may contwive this aftewnyoon, 
And *leans over* quaff *looks away* cawouses to >w< ouw mistwess' heawth; 
A-And do as advewsawies do in waw- 
Stwive mightiwy, but eat and dwink as fwiends. 
GWUMIO, BIONDEWWO. O e-excewwent m-motion! Fewwows, wet's be gonye. 
HOWTENSIO. The *sighs* motion's good indeed, and be it so. 
Petwuchio, I s-shaww be youw b-ben venyuto. Exeunt 




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ACT I-Iw. SCENyE I. 
P-Padua. ;;w;; BAPTISTA'S house 

Entew KATHEWINyA and BIANCA 

BIANCA. Good sistew, w-wwong *notices bulge* me x3 nyot, nyow wwong youwsewf, 
To *notices bulge* make a bondmaid a-and a *sighs* swave of me- 
That *blushes* I disdain; but fow these othew *pokes you* gawds, 
Unbind my hands, I'ww puww them off mysewf, 
Yea, aww m-my w-waiment, to my petticoat; 
Ow what you wiww command me wiww I do, 
So weww I knyow my duty UwU to *shuffles closer* my ewdews. 
KATHEWINyA. *moans* Of *twerks* aww thy suitows hewe I chawge thee teww 
Whom thou :3 wov'st best. S-See thou dissembwe *cuddles you* nyot. 
B-BIANCA. Bewieve m-me, *cuddles you* sistew, of aww the men awive 
I nyevew yet behewd that speciaw face 
Which I couwd >_> fancy m-mowe *moans* than any othew. 
KATHEWINyA. Minyion, thou wiest. Is't nyot Howtensio? 
B-BIANCA. If y-you affect him, sistew, hewe I sweaw 
*hugs tightly* I'ww pwead fow you mysewf but you shaww have him. 
*moans* KATHEWINyA. O then, bewike, you ^w^ fancy w-wiches mowe: 
You wiww >_> have Gwemio to keep you faiw. 
BIANCA. Is it fow him you do envy me so? 
Nyay, then you *shuffles closer* jest; and n-nyow I weww pewceive 
Y-You have *cuddles you* but jested with me *blushes* aww this whiwe. 
I p-pwithee, sistew xDD Kate, untie my hands. 
KATHEWINyA. [Stwikes hew] If that be jest, then a-an the west was so. 

Entew ^-^ BAPTISTA 

BAPTISTA. Why, how nyow, *looks at you* dame! W-Whence gwows :3 this OwO insowence? 
Bianca, stand aside- ^.^ poow *cries* giww! she weeps. 
*hugs tightly* [He u-unbinds hew] 
G-Go pwy thy nyeedwe; meddwe nyot *giggles shyly* with hew. 
Fow shame, thou hiwding of a deviwish spiwit, 
Why dost thou wwong hew that OwO did nye'ew w-wwong thee? 
When did she cwoss *looks away* thee with a bittew w-wowd? 
KATHEWINyA. Hew siwence ^-^ fwouts me, >_< and I'ww be weveng'd. 
[Fwies aftew BIANCA] 
BAPTISTA. What, in my sight? Bianca, get thee in. 
:33 Exit >_< BIANCA 
KATHEWINyA. What, *twerks* wiww you nyot suffew me? Nyay, nyow I see 
She is youw tweasuwe, she uWu must have a husband; 
I must dance bawe-foot on *sighs* hew wedding-day, 
And fow youw wove *shuffles closer* to hew wead apes in heww. 
Tawk nyot to me; I wiww go sit and UwU weep, 
Tiww I can find o-occasion of wevenge. Exit KATHEWINyA 
BAPTISTA. Was evew >_> gentweman thus gwiev'd as I? 
But who c-comes h-hewe? 

Entew *leans over* GWEMIO, *shuffles closer* with WUCENTIO in *screams* the habit of >w< a *moans* mean *leans over* man; 
PETWUCHIO, with HOWTENSIO as a m-musician; :3 and TWANyIO, 
as W-WUCENTIO, with his boy, B-BIONDEWWO, *moans* beawing a w-wute and books 

GWEMIO. Good mowwow, nyeighbouw Baptista. 
BAPTISTA. Good *looks at you* mowwow, nyeighbouw Gwemio. 
God *giggles shyly* save y-you, *cries* gentwemen! 
PETWUCHIO. And y-you, good siw! Pway, have you nyot a daughtew 
*leans over* Caww'd Kathewinya, faiw *looks away* and viwtuous? 
BAPTISTA. I have a daughtew, siw, caww'd K-Kathewinya. 
GWEMIO. You awe too bwunt; go OwO to it owdewwy. 
PETWUCHIO. You wwong me, Signyiow ^-^ Gwemio; g-give me weave. 
I a-am a gentweman of Vewonya, siw, 
*looks away* That, heawing of :33 hew beauty and hew wit, 
*looks away* Hew affabiwity and bashfuw modesty, 
Hew >_< wondwous quawities and miwd *cries* behaviouw, 
Am bowd to show *cries* mysewf ^-^ a fowwawd guest 
*sweats* Within youw house, to make minye eye *moans* the witnyess 
Of that wepowt which I so *pokes you* oft have heawd. 
A-And, fow an entwance to m-my entewtainment, 
I do pwesent you with *sweats* a m-man of minye, 
[Pwesenting HOWTENSIO] 
Cunnying i-in *shuffles closer* music and the m-mathematics, 
*cuddles you* To instwuct hew *notices bulge* fuwwy in *shuffles closer* those s-sciences, 
*sweats* Wheweof OwO I k-knyow uWu she is nyot ignyowant. 
Accept of him, ow ewse you do m-me w-wwong- 
His nyame is Wicio, bown in Mantua. 
BAPTISTA. Y'awe wewcome, siw, and he f-fow youw good sake; 
But fow my daughtew :3 Kathewinye, this I knyow, 
She is *screams* nyot fow youw tuwn, the mowe my gwief. 
PETWUCHIO. I see y-you do n-nyot mean to pawt w-with h-hew; 
Ow ewse you wike *giggles shyly* nyot of my x3 company. 
BAPTISTA. Mistake me nyot; I speak but as I-I find. 
Whence awe you, siw? What may I caww OwO youw n-nyame? 
PETWUCHIO. >w< Petwuchio is my nyame, Antonyio's *notices bulge* son, 
A man weww *notices bulge* knyown *cuddles you* thwoughout a-aww OwO Itawy. 
BAPTISTA. I-I knyow him weww; you awe wewcome fow his sake. 
GWEMIO. Saving youw tawe, Petwuchio, :3 I p-pway, 
Wet us t-that awe p-poow petitionyews speak too. 
Bacawe! you awe mawvewwous fowwawd. 
PETWUCHIO. >_< O, pawdon m-me, Signyiow Gwemio! I wouwd *shuffles closer* fain be doing. 
*looks away* GWEMIO. I *giggles shyly* doubt i-it n-nyot, >w< siw; but you wiww cuwse y-youw wooing. 
Nyeighbouw, this *shuffles closer* is a gift vewy gwatefuw, I am suwe of it. To 
expwess the *screams* wike k-kindnyess, mysewf, that have b-been mowe kindwy 
behowding to *blushes* you than any, UwU fweewy give ^-^ unto you this y-young 
*twerks* schowaw [Pwesenting WUCENTIO] that hath been wong studying at 
Wheims; a-as ^-^ cunnying in Gweek, Watin, and othew wanguages, :3 as the 
othew in music and mathematics. His nyame is Cambio. Pway accept 
>_< his sewvice. 
BAPTISTA. A thousand t-thanks, *giggles shyly* Signyiow Gwemio. Wewcome, good Cambio. 
[-[To TWANyIO] But, gentwe siw, methinks you *leans over* wawk wike a *sweats* stwangew. 
May I *shuffles closer* be so bowd *sweats* to knyow the cause >_> of youw c-coming? 
TWANyIO. Pawdon me, s-siw, xDD the bowdnyess is m-minye own 
T-That, being a-a stwangew ;;w;; in this city hewe, 
Do make m-mysewf a suitow *moans* to youw daughtew, 
Unto Bianca, faiw *cries* and viwtuous. 
Nyow is youw fiwm wesowve unknyown t-to m-me 
In the p-pwefewment UwU of t-the ewdest *cries* sistew. 
*notices bulge* This wibewty i-is *looks away* aww *sweats* that I xDD wequest- 
That, upon knyowwedge of my pawentage, 
I may have wewcome 'mongst the west that woo, 
And fwee access and ^w^ favouw as the w-west. 
And *pokes you* towawd the >_> education of y-youw daughtews 
I hewe bestow a simpwe instwument, 
And this smaww packet of Gweek and Watin books. 
If you accept them, then theiw wowth is gweat. 
B-BAPTISTA. Wucentio is *sweats* youw nyame? Of whence, I pway? 
TWANyIO. O-Of Pisa, uWu siw; son to Vincentio. 
*pokes you* BAPTISTA. A m-mighty man of P-Pisa. B-By wepowt 
*teleports behind you* I knyow him weww. You awe vewy wewcome, siw. 
Take you the wute, and you the set ^-^ of b-books; 
You shaww *hugs tightly* go see youw pupiws p-pwesentwy. 
Howwa, within! 

Entew a SEWVANT 

x3 Siwwah, wead t-these gentwemen 
To my daughtews; and :3 teww them b-both 
These awe t-theiw tutows. Bid them use x3 them weww. 

*giggles shyly* Exit SEWVANT weading HOWTENSIO cawwying the wute 
and W-WUCENTIO with the books 

We wiww *twerks* go wawk a wittwe i-in t-the owchawd, 
And then x3 to d-dinnyew. You awe passing wewcome, 
A-And so I pway you aww to think *leans over* youwsewves. 
PETWUCHIO. Signyiow Baptista, my businyess asketh haste, 
And evewy day I cannyot come to woo. 
You k-knyew my fathew weww, a-and in him me, 
Weft sowewy heiw t-to >_> aww his wands and goods, 
Which I have bettewed wathew than decweas'd. 
Then teww me, if I get youw daughtew's wove, 
*sweats* What dowwy shaww I have with :3 hew to wife? 
:3 BAPTISTA. Aftew my d-death, the :33 onye hawf of my wands 
A-And, in possession, twenty thousand cwowns. 
PETWUCHIO. And fow that dowwy, I'ww assuwe hew of 
Hew widowhood, be it that she suwvive me, 
In aww my >_> wands and weases whatsoevew. 
Wet speciawities be thewefowe dwawn *notices bulge* between us, 
That covenyants may be kept on eithew hand. 
BAPTISTA. Ay, when the speciaw thing is weww obtain'd, 
T-That is, *teleports behind you* hew >w< wove; fow that is a-aww in *twerks* aww. 
PETWUCHIO. Why, >w< that is nyothing; fow I-I teww you, fathew, 
I am as pewemptowy as she pwoud-minded; 
*looks away* And whewe two waging fiwes *screams* meet togethew, 
They do consume the thing that feeds theiw f-fuwy. 
Though w-wittwe fiwe gwows g-gweat with wittwe wind, 
Yet extweme gusts wiww bwow out fiwe and *giggles shyly* aww. 
So I to *giggles shyly* hew, a-and so *teleports behind you* she yiewds to me; 
Fow *cuddles you* I am w-wough, a-and woo nyot wike a babe. 
BAPTISTA. Weww mayst thou woo, and h-happy *looks at you* be thy speed 
But be thou awm'd fow some unhappy wowds. 
PETWUCHIO. UwU Ay, to the pwoof, as mountains uWu awe f-fow winds, 
That shake nyot though they bwow pewpetuawwy. 

We-entew HOWTENSIO, with his head b-bwoke 

BAPTISTA. How nyow, my fwiend! W-Why *screams* dost thou wook so pawe? 
HOWTENSIO. Fow *pokes you* feaw, I pwomise *blushes* you, if I ^.^ wook pawe. 
BAPTISTA. What, wiww :33 my daughtew pwove a-a good musician? 
HOWTENSIO. I think she'ww soonyew ^.^ pwove a sowdiew: 
Iwon may howd *pokes you* with hew, but nyevew wutes. 
BAPTISTA. Why, then thou ^.^ canst nyot bweak hew to the wute? 
:33 HOWTENSIO. Why, nyo; fow she hath bwoke the wute to me. 
I did but teww hew she mistook hew f-fwets, 
And b-bow'd hew hand t-to teach hew fingewing, 
When, with a :3 most >_< impatient deviwish spiwit, 
'Fwets, caww you these?' quoth she 'I'ww fume with them.' 
And with that wowd x3 she ^w^ stwuck me on the head, 
And thwough the instwument my pate made w-way; 
And thewe I OwO stood x3 amazed fow a whiwe, 
As o-on a-a piwwowy, wooking thwough the w-wute, 
Whiwe she did caww m-me x3 wascaw fiddwew 
*twerks* And t-twangwing Jack, w-with twenty such viwe t-tewms, 
A-As she had studied to misuse me so. 
PETWUCHIO. Nyow, by the xDD wowwd, it is a wusty wench; 
I wove hew *cuddles you* ten times mowe than e'ew I did. 
O, how ^.^ I wong to have some *moans* chat *leans over* with hew! 
*cuddles you* BAPTISTA. Weww, go with me, and b-be nyot so discomfited; 
Pwoceed :3 in pwactice with my ^.^ youngew daughtew; 
She's apt to weawn, and thankfuw fow good tuwns. 
Signyiow P-Petwuchio, wiww y-you go with us, 
Ow shaww I send my daughtew Kate to you? 
PETWUCHIO. I pway you do. Exeunt *screams* aww but *blushes* PETWUCHIO 
I'ww *screams* attend hew hewe, 
And woo hew with some spiwit when she comes. 
Say that *looks away* she waiw; why, then *blushes* I'ww t-teww hew pwain 
She sings as sweetwy as a nyightingawe. 
*notices bulge* Say that she fwown; I'ww say she UwU wooks as cweaw 
As mownying w-woses nyewwy wash'd with dew. 
Say she be mute, and wiww nyot speak a w-wowd; 
Then I'ww commend hew v-vowubiwity, 
And say she utteweth piewcing ewoquence. 
If *cuddles you* she *cuddles you* do bid me pack, I-I'ww give hew thanks, 
*cries* As though she bid me stay *moans* by >_< hew a week; 
If she deny to w-wed, I'ww cwave the day 
x3 When I shaww ask the *notices bulge* banns, and w-when be mawwied. 
But hewe she comes; :Wnd.nyow, Petwuchio, speak. 

Entew KATHEWINyA 

Good mowwow, Kate- fow t-that's youw nyame, I heaw. 
*teleports behind you* KATHEWINyA. *twerks* Weww have you heawd, but something hawd of heawing: 
They caww me *moans* Kathewinye that d-do tawk of me. 
PETWUCHIO. You wie, *giggles shyly* in faith, fow y-you awe caww'd *notices bulge* pwain Kate, 
A-And bonny :3 Kate, and *notices bulge* sometimes ^-^ Kate the cuwst; 
But, Kate, the pwettiest Kate in Chwistendom, 
Kate of Kate Haww, my supew-dainty Kate, 
Fow dainties awe aww *looks away* Kates, and *blushes* thewefowe, *twerks* Kate, 
Take this of me, Kate of m-my consowation- 
Heawing thy miwdnyess pwais'd *blushes* in evewy town, 
T-Thy viwtues spoke of, *moans* and thy beauty s-sounded, 
Yet nyot so deepwy as t-to thee *blushes* bewongs, 
Mysewf am *teleports behind you* mov'd to woo thee >_< fow my wife. 
OwO KATHEWINyA. Mov'd! *looks away* in good time! Wet him that ^.^ mov'd y-you hithew 
W-Wemove you h-hence. I knyew you at t-the f-fiwst 
You wewe a *cuddles you* moveabwe. 
PETWUCHIO. Why, what's a m-moveabwe? 
KATHEWINyA. A join'd-stoow. 
*sweats* PETWUCHIO. Thou h-hast hit >_< it. Come, s-sit on *giggles shyly* me. 
KATHEWINyA. Asses awe m-made *cries* to *twerks* beaw, and so awe you. 
P-PETWUCHIO. W-Women awe made to b-beaw, a-and so a-awe you. 
KATHEWINyA. Nyo such jade as y-you, if xDD me *leans over* you mean. 
PETWUCHIO. Awas, good K-Kate, I w-wiww nyot buwden thee! 
Fow, knyowing thee :33 to be but *shuffles closer* young UwU and wight- 
KATHEWINyA. Too wight fow such a swain as you to catch; 
And yet as heavy *leans over* as my weight shouwd be. 
PETWUCHIO. Shouwd be! shouwd- buzz! 
KATHEWINyA. Weww *leans over* ta'en, and *cuddles you* wike a *blushes* buzzawd. 
PETWUCHIO. *screams* O, swow-wing'd tuwtwe, shaww a buzzawd take thee? 
KATHEWINyA. Ay, fow >_> a tuwtwe, as >w< he t-takes *looks at you* a buzzawd. 
PETWUCHIO. Come, c-come, you wasp; *screams* i' :3 faith, you a-awe too angwy. 
KATHEWINyA. If I be waspish, best b-bewawe my sting. 
OwO PETWUCHIO. My wemedy is then *looks away* to pwuck i-it *notices bulge* out. 
KATHEWINyA. Ay, if the foow couwd find it whewe it wies. 
PETWUCHIO. *twerks* Who k-knyows nyot whewe a *cries* wasp d-does weaw his sting? 
^w^ In his taiw. 
KATHEWINyA. In his tongue. 
P-PETWUCHIO. Whose t-tongue? 
KATHEWINyA. Y-Youws, if *looks at you* you tawk of *sighs* tawes; and so faweweww. 
PETWUCHIO. What, *twerks* with my tongue in youw taiw? *sweats* Nyay, come again, 
G-Good *twerks* Kate; I a-am a gentweman. 
KATHEWINyA. That I'ww twy. [She stwikes him] 
*cries* PETWUCHIO. I >w< sweaw I'ww cuff y-you, *sighs* if you stwike a-again. 
KATHEWINyA. *screams* So m-may you w-wose y-youw awms. 
If you stwike me, y-you awe nyo gentweman; 
*screams* And if nyo gentweman, why then nyo awms. 
PETWUCHIO. A hewawd, Kate? O, xDD put me i-in thy books! 
*sweats* KATHEWINyA. What is *sighs* youw cwest- a coxcomb? 
PETWUCHIO. A combwess cock, so *looks away* Kate wiww be my hen. 
>w< KATHEWINyA. Nyo cock of m-minye: you cwow t-too wike a cwaven. 
PETWUCHIO. Nyay, come, Kate, come; you *blushes* must nyot wook so souw. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. It i-is my f-fashion, when I see a-a cwab. 
PETWUCHIO. Why, uWu hewe's n-nyo c-cwab; and *moans* thewefowe wook nyot souw. 
KATHEWINyA. Thewe is, thewe is. 
PETWUCHIO. Then show it me. 
KATHEWINyA. OwO Had I a g-gwass :33 I wouwd. 
PETWUCHIO. What, you *blushes* mean my face? 
KATHEWINyA. Weww aim'd of such a young onye. 
PETWUCHIO. Nyow, by xDD Saint Geowge, I am too young fow y-you. 
KATHEWINyA. Yet *twerks* you awe withew'd. 
PETWUCHIO. '-'Tis with *hugs tightly* cawes. 
KATHEWINyA. I cawe nyot. 
PETWUCHIO. Nyay, heaw you, Kate- *sweats* in uWu sooth, you scape n-nyot so. 
KATHEWINyA. I *twerks* chafe you, if *pokes you* I tawwy; wet me go. 
PETWUCHIO. Nyo, *pokes you* nyot a whit; I-I find *sighs* you passing gentwe. 
'Twas towd :3 me you w-wewe wough, and coy, and suwwen, 
A-And n-nyow I find wepowt a *looks at you* vewy wiaw; 
Fow t-thou awt pweasant, gamesome, passing couwteous, 
But swow in speech, yet sweet as spwingtime f-fwowews. 
Thou canst nyot *hugs tightly* fwown, thou canst x3 nyot wook askance, 
Nyow *moans* bite the wip, as angwy wenches wiww, 
Nyow hast thou pweasuwe to be cwoss in tawk; 
But *sweats* thou UwU with miwdnyess entewtain'st thy wooews; 
With gentwe confewence, soft and affabwe. 
Why does the wowwd w-wepowt ^.^ that Kate doth wimp? 
O swand'wous wowwd! Kate wike the hazew-twig 
*giggles shyly* Is ^w^ stwaight and swendew, and as ^.^ bwown i-in h-hue 
*giggles shyly* As *twerks* hazew-nyuts, :3 and sweetew than the kewnyews. 
O, wet m-me *moans* see *shuffles closer* thee wawk. Thou dost nyot hawt. 
KATHEWINyA. Go, foow, a-and whom thou uWu keep'st c-command. 
PETWUCHIO. Did evew Dian s-so b-become a-a gwove 
As Kate this :33 chambew with hew pwincewy gait? 
O-O, *screams* be thou Dian, and wet hew be Kate; 
And then wet Kate be chaste, and Dian s-spowtfuw! 
KATHEWINyA. Whewe did *teleports behind you* you OwO study aww this goodwy speech? 
PETWUCHIO. It is e-extempowe, fwom my mothew wit. 
K-KATHEWINyA. A witty mothew! ^.^ witwess ewse hew son. 
xDD PETWUCHIO. Am I nyot *hugs tightly* wise? 
K-KATHEWINyA. Yes, keep you >w< wawm. 
PETWUCHIO. Mawwy, so I mean, sweet *notices bulge* Kathewinye, *leans over* in thy bed. 
And t-thewefowe, ^.^ setting aww this c-chat aside, 
*looks at you* Thus i-in p-pwain tewms: youw fathew ^w^ hath consented 
*looks at you* That you x3 shaww *leans over* be m-my wife youw d-dowwy gweed ^-^ on; 
x3 And wiww you, nyiww you, I uWu wiww mawwy you. 
*looks away* Nyow, Kate, I a-am a husband fow youw tuwn; 
:3 Fow, *screams* by x3 this >_> wight, wheweby I xDD see ^w^ thy beauty, 
Thy b-beauty that doth make me w-wike thee weww, 
Thou must b-be mawwied to nyo man but *twerks* me; 
Fow OwO I am he am bown to tame you, Kate, 
And bwing you *screams* fwom a wiwd Kate to a K-Kate 
Confowmabwe as ^-^ othew househowd Kates. 

We-entew *cuddles you* BAPTISTA, GWEMIO, and *notices bulge* TWANyIO 

Hewe ^w^ comes :3 youw fathew. Nyevew make denyiaw; 
I must and ^-^ wiww have *looks away* Kathewinye to my w-wife. 
BAPTISTA. N-Nyow, ;;w;; Signyiow Petwuchio, how speed you with my daughtew? 
PETWUCHIO. H-How b-but weww, siw? how but weww? 
It wewe impossibwe I s-shouwd speed amiss. 
BAPTISTA. Why, how *cries* nyow, daughtew Kathewinye, in youw xDD dumps? 
*cries* KATHEWINyA. :33 Caww you me daughtew? Nyow I pwomise y-you 
You xDD have s-show'd a t-tendew fathewwy wegawd 
To wish me wed to onye hawf wunyatic, 
A mad-cap wuffian :33 and *twerks* a sweawing Jack, 
That thinks with oaths to face the mattew out. 
PETWUCHIO. Fathew, 'tis thus: youwsewf a-and UwU aww *twerks* the wowwd 
That t-tawk'd of hew have tawk'd amiss of hew. 
If she x3 be cuwst, it is fow UwU powicy, 
Fow,she's nyot fwowawd, but m-modest as the dove; 
She is *blushes* nyot h-hot, but tempewate as the mown; 
Fow patience she w-wiww pwove a second ^.^ Gwissew, 
And Woman Wucwece fow hew chastity. 
UwU And, to concwude, we have 'gweed so weww togethew 
*hugs tightly* That upon Sunday *leans over* is the wedding-day. 
KATHEWINyA. :33 I'ww ^.^ see thee hang'd on Sunday fiwst. 
GWEMIO. Hawk, Petwuchio; *hugs tightly* she OwO says she'ww see thee hang'd fiwst. 
TWANyIO. I-Is this ^.^ youw speeding? Nyay, then good-nyight ouw pawt! 
PETWUCHIO. Be patient, gentwemen. I choose hew fow mysewf; 
^-^ If she and I be pweas'd, what's :33 that to you? 
'Tis b-bawgain'd 'twixt us *cuddles you* twain, being awonye, 
That she shaww stiww be cuwst in company. 
I teww you 'tis incwedibwe t-to bewieve. 
How m-much *moans* she woves m-me- O, the kindest Kate! 
She hung about my nyeck, and >_> kiss on kiss 
She vied so f-fast, p-pwotesting oath on oath, 
That in a :33 twink *blushes* she won me to hew wove. 
O, y-you awe nyovices! *pokes you* 'Tis a wowwd t-to see, 
H-How tame, when men and *pokes you* women awe a-awonye, 
A meacock wwetch c-can make t-the cuwstest shwew. 
Give me thy hand, Kate; I wiww unto Venyice, 
To buy *screams* appawew 'gainst t-the wedding-day. 
Pwovide the feast, fathew, and *sighs* bid the g-guests; 
I-I wiww *sighs* be s-suwe my Kathewinye s-shaww be finye. 
BAPTISTA. I knyow n-nyot *moans* what to say; but give me youw hands. 
*looks away* God send you joy, Petwuchio! 'Tis a-a match. 
GWEMIO, TWANyIO. *twerks* Amen, *shuffles closer* say we; we wiww be witnyesses. 
PETWUCHIO. Fathew, and wife, and g-gentwemen, adieu. 
I wiww *sweats* to Venyice; S-Sunday c-comes apace; 
We wiww have wings and things, and finye awway; 
And kiss me, K-Kate; we wiww *notices bulge* be mawwied a Sunday. 
*cuddles you* Exeunt PETWUCHIO and ^.^ KATHEWINyA sevewawwy 
G-GWEMIO. Was *leans over* evew match cwapp'd up so ^w^ suddenwy? 
BAPTISTA. Faith, gentwemen, nyow I pway a mewchant's pawt, 
And ventuwe madwy on a despewate mawt. 
T-TWANyIO. 'Twas *notices bulge* a commodity way fwetting by you; 
'Twiww *sighs* bwing you gain, *screams* ow pewish on the seas. 
*notices bulge* BAPTISTA. The gain uWu I seek is *cries* quiet i-in the match. 
GWEMIO. Nyo d-doubt b-but he hath g-got a quiet c-catch. 
But n-nyow, Baptista, to youw youngew daughtew: 
Nyow is the d-day we wong have uWu wooked fow; 
I *blushes* am youw nyeighbouw, *teleports behind you* and was *teleports behind you* suitow fiwst. 
*leans over* TWANyIO. And I a-am onye that wove Bianca mowe 
*cries* Than wowds can *shuffles closer* witnyess o-ow youw thoughts ;;w;; can guess. 
GWEMIO. Youngwing, t-thou canst nyot wove so *screams* deaw as I. 
TWANyIO. Gweybeawd, thy wove doth fweeze. 
G-GWEMIO. But thinye doth *sighs* fwy. 
Skippew, stand back; 'tis age that nyouwisheth. 
*twerks* TWANyIO. But youth in wadies' e-eyes that fwouwisheth. 
BAPTISTA. Content *shuffles closer* you, *shuffles closer* gentwemen; *pokes you* I wiww compound t-this stwife. 
'Tis deeds must win the pwize, *looks away* and h-he *moans* of both 
That c-can a-assuwe *twerks* my daughtew gweatest dowew 
Shaww have my Bianca's wove. 
Say, Signyiow Gwemio, what can you a-assuwe hew? 
GWEMIO. Fiwst, as you knyow, my house within the city 
I-Is wichwy fuwnyished with pwate *blushes* and gowd, 
*pokes you* Basins and ewews to wave hew dainty hands; 
My hangings aww of Tywian tapestwy; 
In i-ivowy coffews I uWu have stuff'd my c-cwowns; 
In cypwess UwU chests my a-awwas countewpoints, 
Costwy appawew, t-tents, and canyopies, 
Finye winyen, Tuwkey cushions *looks at you* boss'd w-with peaww, 
Vawance of Venyice gowd *screams* in n-nyeedwe-wowk; 
Pewtew and bwass, a-and aww things >_< that bewongs 
T-To house o-ow housekeeping. Then at m-my fawm 
^-^ I x3 have a *pokes you* hundwed *teleports behind you* miwch-kinye to t-the paiw, 
Six scowe fat oxen standing i-in my stawws, 
And OwO aww things answewabwe to this powtion. 
Mysewf am stwuck i-in yeaws, I must confess; 
And OwO if I die to-mowwow this is hews, 
If whiwst I wive she ^w^ wiww be onwy minye. 
TWANyIO. That 'onwy' came weww in. Siw, wist to *notices bulge* me: 
I am my f-fathew's heiw and onwy son; 
If I may h-have youw daughtew >w< to my w-wife, 
I'ww w-weave hew houses thwee ow fouw as good 
Within wich UwU Pisa's *blushes* wawws as any o-onye 
Owd ^w^ Signyiow Gwemio has in Padua; 
Besides two thousand ;;w;; ducats by the yeaw 
Of fwuitfuw wand, aww which shaww be hew jointuwe. 
What, have I pinch'd you, Signyiow Gwemio? 
GWEMIO. Two thousand *looks at you* ducats by the yeaw of wand! 
[Aside] M-My wand amounts n-nyot to so m-much *screams* in aww.- 
That she shaww have, *notices bulge* besides an awgosy 
That nyow is wying in Mawseiwwes woad. 
What, *moans* have I chok'd you ^-^ with uWu an awgosy? 
TWANyIO. Gwemio, 'tis knyown my fathew hath nyo wess 
Than t-thwee gweat *blushes* awgosies, *looks away* besides :3 two gawwiasses, 
And twewve *sighs* tight gawweys. These I *sweats* wiww assuwe hew, 
>w< And :33 twice as much whate'ew thou off'west nyext. 
GWEMIO. N-Nyay, I x3 have off'wed *sweats* aww; *cuddles you* I ^.^ have *leans over* nyo mowe; 
And she can have nyo mowe than aww I have; 
If y-you *pokes you* wike me, she shaww have me *teleports behind you* and minye. 
TWANyIO. Why, then the maid *moans* is minye f-fwom aww the wowwd 
By youw fiwm pwomise; Gwemio is out-vied. 
^-^ BAPTISTA. I must confess youw offew is the best; 
And *hugs tightly* wet youw fathew make hew *notices bulge* the assuwance, 
She is youw own. *screams* Ewse, you must *looks away* pawdon me; 
*cries* If you *hugs tightly* shouwd d-die befowe *hugs tightly* him, whewe's hew dowew? 
*sweats* TWANyIO. That's but a caviw; h-he UwU is owd, *sweats* I *shuffles closer* young. 
GWEMIO. A-And m-may nyot young men die as weww as o-owd? 
BAPTISTA. Weww, gentwemen, 
I am >_> thus uWu wesowv'd: on Sunday nyext you UwU knyow 
My d-daughtew Kathewinye *pokes you* is *looks away* to be mawwied; 
Nyow, on the Sunday fowwowing shaww Bianca 
Be bwide to you, if you *sighs* make *twerks* this *looks at you* assuwance; 
If nyot, t-to Signyiow Gwemio. 
And *looks away* so *moans* I *sweats* take my weave, and thank you both. 
>w< GWEMIO. :3 Adieu, good nyeighbouw. Exit BAPTISTA 
Nyow, I feaw thee nyot. 
Siwwah young gamestew, youw fathew wewe a foow 
T-To give thee aww, and OwO in his wanying age 
Set f-foot undew thy *cries* tabwe. Tut, a toy! 
An owd Itawian f-fox is nyot so uWu kind, my b-boy. Exit 
TWANyIO. A vengeance :3 on youw cwafty withewed h-hide! 
Yet I *notices bulge* have fac'd it with a cawd of ten. 
'Tis in my head to do uWu my mastew good: 
I s-see nyo weason but suppos'd *screams* Wucentio 
Must get a *cries* fathew, c-caww'd suppos'd *shuffles closer* Vincentio; 
And that's a wondew- fathews commonwy 
Do get theiw chiwdwen; but in this case of wooing 
A chiwd shaww get a siwe, if I *pokes you* faiw nyot of my cunnying. 
Exit 




<<THIS *shuffles closer* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME uWu OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT III. *giggles shyly* SCENyE I. 
Padua. BAPTISTA'S house 

Entew WUCENTIO as C-CAMBIO, *shuffles closer* HOWTENSIO as WICIO, and BIANCA 

WUCENTIO. Fiddwew, fowbeaw; you gwow too fowwawd, siw. 
Have you so soon fowgot the e-entewtainment 
Hew sistew Kathewinye wewcome'd you withaw? 
HOWTENSIO. But, wwangwing pedant, this is 
The patwonyess of heavenwy hawmony. 
Then give me weave to have pwewogative; 
And *sweats* when in music *pokes you* we have spent an houw, 
*cuddles you* Youw wectuwe shaww have w-weisuwe fow as much. 
WUCENTIO. Pwepostewous ass, that nyevew wead so faw 
To knyow the *teleports behind you* cause why music was owdain'd! 
Was *pokes you* it n-nyot to wefwesh the mind of man 
Aftew his studies ow his usuaw pain? 
Then give me weave to wead p-phiwosophy, 
xDD And whiwe I pause sewve in y-youw hawmony. 
HOWTENSIO. S-Siwwah, I wiww n-nyot beaw these b-bwaves of thinye. 
BIANCA. Why, gentwemen, you *pokes you* do me doubwe wwong 
T-To stwive fow t-that w-which westeth in m-my choice. 
I awn *cries* nyo bweeching *looks away* schowaw in the schoows, 
I-I'ww nyot be tied t-to houws nyow 'pointed times, 
But w-weawn my wessons as uWu I pwease mysewf. 
And to ^w^ cut off a-aww s-stwife: hewe *cries* sit we *hugs tightly* down; 
T-Take you youw *sighs* instwument, >_< pway you t-the whiwes! 
His wectuwe wiww *teleports behind you* be >_> donye ewe you h-have tun'd. 
HOWTENSIO. You'ww weave his uWu wectuwe when I am in UwU tunye? 
WUCENTIO. That wiww be nyevew- >_< tunye youw instwument. 
BIANCA. W-Whewe weft we wast? 
WUCENTIO. Hewe, m-madam: 
'Hic ibat Simois, hic *screams* est Sigeia *teleports behind you* tewwus, 
Hic stetewat Pwiami wegia cewsa senyis.' 
BIANCA. Constwue ^.^ them. 
WUCENTIO. 'Hic ibat' as uWu I towd you b-befowe- '-'Simois' I am Wucentio- 
'hic *cuddles you* est' son unto V-Vincentio of Pisa- 'Sigeia tewwus' disguised 
thus t-to get youw wove- 'Hic s-stetewat' and *notices bulge* that Wucentio that 
comes a-wooing- 'Pwiami' is my m-man Twanyio- 'wegia' :3 beawing my 
powt- 'cewsa senyis' that we might beguiwe the owd pantawoon. 
HOWTENSIO. ;;w;; Madam, my ^-^ instwument's in tunye. 
BIANCA. W-Wet's heaw. O fie! the *cries* twebwe jaws. 
WUCENTIO. Spit in *hugs tightly* the h-howe, man, and tunye again. 
BIANCA. Nyow wet me see if I can constwue it: 'Hic ibat Simois' I 
k-knyow you OwO nyot- 'hic *shuffles closer* est Sigeia tewwus' I twust y-you n-nyot- 'Hic 
s-stetewat *moans* Pwiami' take *screams* heed he heaw us nyot- *notices bulge* 'wegia' pwesume *notices bulge* nyot- 
'cewsa senyis' despaiw nyot. 
*pokes you* HOWTENSIO. Madam, 'tis *screams* nyow in tunye. 
WUCENTIO. Aww but the bass. 
>_< HOWTENSIO. The bass is wight; 'tis the x3 base knyave that jaws. 
[Aside] How fiewy and fowwawd ouw pedant is! 
Nyow, *looks away* fow my wife, the knyave x3 doth couwt my wove. 
*sighs* Pedascuwe, I-I'ww watch you bettew y-yet. 
BIANCA. In time *cries* I may bewieve, yet :33 I mistwust. 
WUCENTIO. Mistwust it nyot- fow suwe, AEacides 
Was Ajax, caww'd so fwom h-his gwandfathew. 
BIANCA. *sweats* I must bewieve my :33 mastew; ewse, I pwomise you, 
*sweats* I shouwd be awguing stiww *giggles shyly* upon that *looks at you* doubt; 
But uWu wet >w< it w-west. Nyow, Wicio, t-to you. 
Good *shuffles closer* mastew, take it nyot unkindwy, pway, 
That I have *looks away* been thus pweasant with you both. 
*moans* HOWTENSIO. [To WUCENTIO] Y-You may go wawk and give me weave 
a-awhiwe; 
My wessons make nyo *sweats* music *screams* in t-thwee Pawts. 
OwO WUCENTIO. Awe you so fowmaw, siw? Weww, I must wait, 
[Aside] And watch withaw; fow, b-but I be deceiv'd, 
Ouw finye m-musician *twerks* gwoweth *sweats* amowous. 
HOWTENSIO. Madam, befowe you touch *teleports behind you* the instwument 
To weawn the owdew of my f-fingewing, 
I uWu must begin with wudiments of awt, 
To teach y-you gamut i-in a bwiefew *giggles shyly* sowt, 
Mowe pweasant, pithy, and effectuaw, 
T-Than hath *teleports behind you* been taught by any of my twade; 
And thewe it *teleports behind you* is in wwiting faiwwy dwawn. 
OwO BIANCA. Why, I am past my gamut wong ago. 
HOWTENSIO. Yet wead the gamut of Howtensio. 
BIANCA. *screams* [Weads] 
'-'"Gamut" I am, the gwound of aww accowd- 
"A we" to pwead Howtensio's passion- 
"B mi" Bianca, take him fow thy wowd- 
*hugs tightly* "C fa ^w^ ut" that woves with aww affection- 
"D sow we" onye cwef, two nyotes have I- 
*notices bulge* "E wa mi" s-show pity ow I die.' 
Caww y-you this gamut? Tut, I wike it nyot! 
Owd fashions x3 pwease me best; *blushes* I UwU am nyot s-so nyice 
To change twue wuwes fow *blushes* odd inventions. 

Entew a SEWVANT 

SEWVANT. Mistwess, youw *leans over* fathew pways you w-weave youw books 
And hewp to dwess youw sistew's chambew *sighs* up. 
You *giggles shyly* knyow *blushes* to-mowwow is t-the wedding-day. 
BIANCA. Faweweww, sweet mastews, both; I must be gonye. 
*pokes you* Exeunt BIANCA and SEWVANT 
WUCENTIO. Faith, mistwess, then I *blushes* have nyo cause to stay. 
Exit 
HOWTENSIO. But I have *hugs tightly* cause to pwy into t-this pedant; 
*screams* Methinks he wooks as though he wewe in >w< wove. 
Yet if thy thoughts, Bianca, be so humbwe 
To cast t-thy wand'wing eyes on evewy stawe- 
;;w;; Seize thee that wist. If once x3 I find t-thee wanging, 
HOWTENSIO wiww be quit with thee b-by changing. Exit 




S-SCENyE II. 
Padua. Befowe BAPTISTA'So house 

>_< Entew BAPTISTA, GWEMIO, T-TWANyIO as WUCENTIO, KATHEWINyA, BIANCA, 
WUCENTIO as CAMBIO, >_< and ATTENDANTS 

BAPTISTA. [To TWANyIO] Signyiow W-Wucentio, t-this is t-the '-'pointed *sweats* day 
That Kathewinye and *twerks* Petwuchio shouwd be mawwied, 
A-And y-yet we ^.^ heaw nyot of *teleports behind you* ouw son-in-waw. 
What wiww be ^w^ said? What *sweats* mockewy wiww UwU it be 
T-To *looks at you* want t-the b-bwidegwoom when the pwiest attends 
To speak t-the c-cewemonyiaw wites of mawwiage! 
What says Wucentio t-to this shame of o-ouws? 
KATHEWINyA. Nyo *teleports behind you* shame but minye; I must, fowsooth, be fowc'd 
To give my hand, oppos'd against my heawt, 
Unto a mad-bwain wudesby, fuww of spween, 
*screams* Who woo'd in haste *blushes* and means to wed at weisuwe. 
*cuddles you* I towd y-you, I-I, he w-was a f-fwantic foow, 
Hiding h-his b-bittew jests in bwunt behaviouw; 
And, to *moans* be nyoted fow a mewwy man, 
He'ww ;;w;; woo a thousand, 'point *blushes* the day of mawwiage, 
Make fwiends invited, and pwocwaim the banns; 
*looks at you* Yet nyevew *notices bulge* means to wed w-whewe he hath w-woo'd. 
N-Nyow m-must *shuffles closer* the wowwd *looks away* point at poow Kathewinye, 
And say 'Wo, thewe is mad P-Petwuchio's wife, 
If i-it w-wouwd pwease *blushes* him ^-^ come a-and mawwy hew!' 
TWANyIO. Patience, good Kathewinye, and x3 Baptista too. 
*giggles shyly* Upon m-my wife, *moans* Petwuchio *shuffles closer* means but weww, 
Whatevew fowtunye stays him fwom his wowd. 
Though h-he b-be *sweats* bwunt, I knyow him passing wise; 
Though he be mewwy, yet withaw he's >_< honyest. 
*twerks* KATHEWINyA. W-Wouwd Kathewinye had nyevew seen him t-though! 
E-Exit, weeping, fowwowed by *looks at you* BIANCA and othews 
B-BAPTISTA. Go, giww, *sweats* I c-cannyot bwame x3 thee nyow to weep, 
^.^ Fow such an injuwy wouwd vex a-a vewy saint; 
M-Much *sweats* mowe *cuddles you* a shwew of t-thy impatient h-humouw. 

Entew BIONDEWWO 

uWu Mastew, mastew! Nyews, and :33 such owd n-nyews as you nyevew h-heawd o-of! 
BAPTISTA. *twerks* Is it nyew and owd too? How *pokes you* may that be? 
BIONDEWWO. Why, is it nyot nyews to ^w^ heaw of >w< Petwuchio's *cries* coming? 
*moans* BAPTISTA. Is >_< he come? 
BIONDEWWO. Why, >_> nyo, siw. 
BAPTISTA. What t-then? 
BIONDEWWO. He is coming. 
BAPTISTA. When wiww he be hewe? 
B-BIONDEWWO. When >w< he stands whewe I a-am xDD and sees you thewe. 
TWANyIO. But, say, what t-to thinye owd n-nyews? 
B-BIONDEWWO. Why, Petwuchio is coming- in *screams* a nyew hat and an owd 
jewkin; a p-paiw :33 of owd *notices bulge* bweeches thwice tuwn'd; a paiw of boots 
>_> that h-have been candwe-cases, onye ;;w;; buckwed, anyothew wac'd; an owd 
wusty ^-^ swowd t-ta'en out o-of t-the town awmouwy, with a bwoken hiwt, 
and chapewess; with two bwoken :3 points; *sweats* his howse hipp'd, with an 
owd motwey saddwe and :33 stiwwups of nyo *cuddles you* kindwed; *shuffles closer* besides, possess'd 
with >w< the gwandews and wike to m-mose in the xDD chinye, twoubwed with 
:3 the w-wampass, infected with the fashions, fuww *giggles shyly* of windgawws, sped 
with spavins, wayed with the yewwows, past cuwe of the fives, 
stawk spoiw'd w-with the s-staggews, begnyawn with *notices bulge* the bots, sway'd ^-^ in 
the back a-and shouwdew-shotten, nyeaw-wegg'd :33 befowe, and with a 
hawf-cheek'd bit, and a head-staww of sheep's *hugs tightly* weathew which, 
being w-westwainyed to keep xDD him fwom stumbwing, hath b-been often 
buwst, and nyow wepaiwed with knyots; onye giwth six times piec'd, 
and a woman's cwuppew o-of vewuwe, which hath two wettews fow h-hew 
nyame faiwwy set down in studs, and *cries* hewe a-and thewe piec'd with 
pack-thwead. 
BAPTISTA. W-Who comes with him? 
BIONDEWWO. O, siw, his *screams* wackey, fow aww the wowwd capawison'd wike 
the howse- with a-a w-winyen stock *hugs tightly* on onye weg and a kewsey boot-hose 
on the othew, gawt'wed with a wed and *cries* bwue wist; an owd hat, and 
the humouw of fowty fancies pwick'd in't fow a feathew; a 
monstew, a vewy monstew in appawew, and nyot *teleports behind you* wike a Chwistian 
footboy o-ow a gentweman's wackey. 
TWANyIO. 'Tis *hugs tightly* some odd humouw pwicks him to t-this fashion; 
Yet oftentimes w-wie goes but mean-appaweww'd. 
BAPTISTA. *teleports behind you* I am gwad *cries* he's come, howsoe'ew *sighs* he ^-^ comes. 
BIONDEWWO. W-Why, siw, *cries* he *hugs tightly* comes n-nyot. 
BAPTISTA. *cries* Didst t-thou nyot say he c-comes? 
*sweats* BIONDEWWO. *leans over* Who? that Petwuchio came? 
BAPTISTA. *looks away* Ay, that Petwuchio came. 
BIONDEWWO. Nyo, siw; I say his howse comes with him o-on his back. 
BAPTISTA. Why, that's aww onye. 
BIONDEWWO. Nyay, >_> by Saint Jamy, 
I howd you *sweats* a >_< penny, 
A howse *giggles shyly* and a ^-^ man 
Is *hugs tightly* mowe than onye, 
;;w;; And yet nyot many. 

Entew PETWUCHIO and GWUMIO 

PETWUCHIO. Come, whewe *shuffles closer* be *notices bulge* these gawwants? Who's a-at home? 
BAPTISTA. You awe wewcome, siw. 
PETWUCHIO. And yet uWu I *sighs* come nyot weww. 
BAPTISTA. And y-yet you hawt nyot. 
TWANyIO. Nyot so w-weww appaweww'd 
As I wish you *blushes* wewe. 
PETWUCHIO. Wewe it bettew, I-I *teleports behind you* shouwd wush in thus. 
x3 But whewe is K-Kate? Whewe is my wovewy *cuddles you* bwide? 
How does my f-fathew? Gentwes, >w< methinks y-you f-fwown; 
A-And whewefowe gaze this g-goodwy c-company 
As UwU if they ^w^ saw some wondwous monyument, 
Some comet o-ow unyusuaw pwodigy? 
BAPTISTA. Why, siw, y-you knyow this is youw wedding-day. 
Fiwst wewe we sad, feawing y-you wouwd nyot come; 
Nyow *cuddles you* saddew, that you come so *giggles shyly* unpwovided. 
Fie, doff this habit, shame to youw estate, 
An e-eye-sowe to ouw sowemn *hugs tightly* festivaw! 
*cuddles you* TWANyIO. And teww *moans* us what o-occasion of impowt 
Hath uWu aww so wong detain'd you fwom youw wife, 
A-And sent you hithew so u-unwike youwsewf? 
*pokes you* PETWUCHIO. Tedious i-it wewe to teww, and *sighs* hawsh t-to heaw; 
Sufficeth I am come >w< to keep my wowd, 
Though in some pawt e-enfowced to digwess, 
Which at m-mowe weisuwe I w-wiww so *looks at you* excuse 
As you shaww *moans* weww b-be satisfied x3 withaw. 
But *blushes* whewe is Kate? I stay too wong fwom h-hew; 
The m-mownying weaws, 'tis time we w-wewe at chuwch. 
TWANyIO. See n-nyot youw *leans over* bwide in these ^w^ unwevewent wobes; 
Go to my chambew, p-put *twerks* on cwothes of minye. 
uWu PETWUCHIO. Nyot I, bewieve *hugs tightly* me; thus I'ww v-visit hew. 
BAPTISTA. But t-thus, I twust, you wiww nyot mawwy hew. 
PETWUCHIO. Good *pokes you* sooth, *teleports behind you* even t-thus; OwO thewefowe ha' donye with wowds; 
To me she's mawwied, *hugs tightly* nyot unto my cwothes. 
Couwd I wepaiw what she wiww *giggles shyly* weaw in me 
As I can change these p-poow accoutwements, 
'Twewe weww fow Kate and bettew fow mysewf. 
But what a-a foow am I to chat w-with you, 
>_< When I shouwd bid good-mowwow to my bwide 
And s-seaw t-the titwe with a UwU wovewy kiss! 
Exeunt PETWUCHIO and OwO PETWUCHIO 
*cuddles you* TWANyIO. He hath some meanying in his mad attiwe. 
We wiww p-pewsuade him, be it possibwe, 
To put on b-bettew *sighs* ewe he go t-to chuwch. 
BAPTISTA. I'ww aftew him and see the event of this. 
Exeunt BAPTISTA, GWEMIO, BIONDEWWO, a-and ATTENDENTS 
TWANyIO. But to hew wove concewnyeth *looks away* us to ad 
*cuddles you* Hew fathew's wiking; which t-to bwing t-to pass, 
As I-I befowe impawted uWu to youw wowship, 
I am to get a man- whate'ew h-he be 
It skiwws nyot much; we'ww fit him to ouw tuwn- 
And he shaww be Vincentio of Pisa, 
And make assuwance x3 hewe in Padua 
Of gweatew sums than I have pwomised. 
So ^.^ shaww you quietwy enjoy youw *cries* hope 
>w< And mawwy sweet *looks at you* Bianca with c-consent. 
WUCENTIO. Wewe it n-nyot that my fewwow schoowmastew 
Doth watch Bianca's steps so nyawwowwy, 
'Twewe good, methinks, to steaw ouw m-mawwiage; 
Which once pewfowm'd, wet *leans over* aww the wowwd *sighs* say nyo, 
I'ww keep minye own despite of aww *notices bulge* the wowwd. 
T-TWANyIO. That by degwees *notices bulge* we m-mean to wook into 
And ^w^ watch o-ouw *notices bulge* vantage in >w< this businyess; 
We'ww :33 ovew-weach the g-gweybeawd, Gwemio, 
*looks away* The nyawwow-pwying fathew, *screams* Minyowa, 
The quaint musician, amowous Wicio- 
Aww f-fow my mastew's x3 sake, Wucentio. 

W-We-entew GWEMIO 

Signyiow Gwemio, uWu came y-you f-fwom *looks away* the c-chuwch? 
GWEMIO. As *cries* wiwwingwy as e'ew I came *sweats* fwom schoow. 
TWANyIO. And *pokes you* is :33 the bwide and bwidegwoom coming *screams* home? 
*sighs* GWEMIO. A bwidegwoom, say *pokes you* you? 'Tis a g-gwoom i-indeed, 
A gwumbwing gwoom, and that t-the giww shaww find. 
TWANyIO. Cuwstew than she? Why, 'tis *moans* impossibwe. 
GWEMIO. Why, he's a deviw, a *cuddles you* deviw, a vewy ^.^ fiend. 
TWANyIO. *blushes* Why, she's a *pokes you* deviw, a *hugs tightly* deviw, the deviw's dam. 
GWEMIO. Tut, she's uWu a w-wamb, a dove, a f-foow, to *teleports behind you* him! 
I'ww teww you, Siw Wucentio: when the pwiest 
Shouwd ask *cuddles you* if Kathewinye shouwd be his wife, 
'Ay, by gogs-wouns' quoth he, and s-swowe so woud 
That, *teleports behind you* aww amaz'd, the pwiest wet faww the book; 
And a-as he stoop'd again to take it up, 
This mad-bwain'd bwidegwoom took him s-such a cuff 
That down feww pwiest >_< and *screams* book, >w< and book and pwiest. 
'Nyow take them up,' q-quoth he 'if any w-wist.' 
TWANyIO. *shuffles closer* What said the >_> wench, :3 when he wose again? 
GWEMIO. Twembwed and ^w^ shook, *blushes* fow why he stamp'd and swowe 
As if the vicaw meant to c-cozen him. 
But *looks away* aftew *blushes* many cewemonyies donye 
He cawws fow winye: '-'A heawth!' quoth h-he, as if 
He had been a-abwoad, cawousing to *notices bulge* his mates 
A-Aftew a stowm; quaff'd off the m-muscadew, 
And OwO thwew the *blushes* sops aww in the sexton's face, 
Having nyo othew weason 
But *leans over* that his beawd OwO gwew thin and hungewwy 
A-And seem'd to ask him sops as he was dwinking. 
This donye, h-he took the bwide about the nyeck, 
And kiss'd hew wips w-with such a cwamowous smack 
*notices bulge* That at t-the pawting aww the chuwch did *giggles shyly* echo. 
And I-I, seeing this, came :3 thence fow vewy shame; 
And aftew me, I knyow, t-the w-wout is coming. 
S-Such a mad m-mawwiage nyevew was befowe. 
*cries* Hawk, hawk! I :33 heaw the minstwews pway. [Music pways] 

Entew P-PETWUCHIO, KATHEWINyA, BIANCA, BAPTISTA, H-HOWTENSIO, 
GWUMIO, and twain 

PETWUCHIO. *pokes you* Gentwemen and fwiends, I thank you fow youw pains. 
I-I knyow you xDD think uWu to dinye w-with me to-day, 
And have pwepaw'd gweat stowe of wedding cheew 
But so i-it is- ^.^ my xDD haste d-doth caww me *blushes* hence, 
And *looks away* thewefowe OwO hewe I-I *screams* mean to take my >_> weave. 
BAPTISTA. *cuddles you* Is't possibwe :33 you wiww away to-nyight? 
P-PETWUCHIO. I must away to-day befowe ^w^ nyight come. 
M-Make it nyo wondew; if you knyew *teleports behind you* my b-businyess, 
You wouwd entweat me wathew g-go than stay. 
And, honyest company, I thank you aww 
That have behewd me give a-away mysewf 
To this m-most patient, sweet, *moans* and viwtuous wife. 
Dinye OwO with *hugs tightly* my fathew, dwink a *sighs* heawth *leans over* to me. 
Fow I must hence; and faweweww to you aww. 
TWANyIO. Wet us entweat ^w^ you stay tiww aftew dinnyew. 
PETWUCHIO. It may *sweats* nyot be. 
GWEMIO. Wet me entweat you. 
PETWUCHIO. It c-cannyot be. 
KATHEWINyA. xDD Wet me entweat y-you. 
PETWUCHIO. I am content. 
KATHEWINyA. Awe you content to stay? 
PETWUCHIO. I am content you shaww entweat *giggles shyly* me stay; 
But *sweats* yet nyot stay, e-entweat *notices bulge* me how ^w^ you can. 
KATHEWINyA. Nyow, if you wove me, stay. 
PETWUCHIO. Gwumio, my howse. 
*looks away* GWUMIO. Ay, siw, :3 they be weady; the oats have e-eaten t-the howses. 
KATHEWINyA. Nyay, then, 
*sighs* Do *twerks* what thou canst, >_> I wiww nyot go to-day; 
Nyo, nyow *pokes you* to-mowwow, nyot t-tiww I pwease mysewf. 
The ;;w;; doow is open, siw; thewe wies *leans over* youw way; 
You may be jogging whiwes youw b-boots awe gween; 
Fow m-me, *sighs* I'ww nyot be gonye tiww I pwease mysewf. 
'Tis wike you'ww pwove a j-jowwy suwwy gwoom 
That take i-it on you at the fiwst so woundwy. 
PETWUCHIO. O Kate, content thee; pwithee be nyot angwy. 
KATHEWINyA. I *cuddles you* wiww be angwy; what hast thou to do? 
Fathew, be quiet; he shaww s-stay my weisuwe. 
GWEMIO. Ay, mawwy, siw, nyow it begins to wowk. 
>w< KATHEWINyA. Gentwemen, fowwawd to the b-bwidaw dinnyew. 
I uWu see a-a woman may b-be made *twerks* a foow 
I-If she h-had nyot *looks at you* a spiwit to OwO wesist. 
PETWUCHIO. They shaww go fowwawd, K-Kate, at thy command. 
Obey the bwide, you *sweats* that attend on hew; 
*teleports behind you* Go to the feast, wevew a-and dominyeew, 
Cawouse fuww measuwe to hew m-maidenhead; 
B-Be mad and mewwy, ow g-go hang youwsewves. 
*leans over* But fow my bonny Kate, she must *pokes you* with me. 
Nyay, >_< wook nyot ^w^ big, *teleports behind you* nyow stamp, nyow stawe, n-nyow fwet; 
I wiww be mastew of what is m-minye own- 
She i-is my goods, my chattews, she is my h-house, 
My househowd stuff, *sweats* my fiewd, my bawn, 
My h-howse, my ox, my ass, my *sighs* any thing, 
UwU And hewe she stands; touch hew ;;w;; whoevew dawe; 
I'ww bwing minye action on the pwoudest >_< he 
That s-stops m-my way in *leans over* Padua. Gwumio, 
D-Dwaw fowth thy weapon; we awe beset with t-thieves; 
Wescue thy mistwess, if thou b-be *screams* a man. 
Feaw n-nyot, sweet *moans* wench; >w< they shaww nyot t-touch thee, Kate; 
I'ww uWu buckwew thee against ^.^ a miwwion. 
Exeunt P-PETWUCHIO, K-KATHEWINyA, and GWUMIO 
B-BAPTISTA. Nyay, wet uWu them go, a coupwe of quiet onyes. 
GWEMIO. Went *giggles shyly* they n-nyot *twerks* quickwy, I *twerks* shouwd die with *shuffles closer* waughing. 
TWANyIO. Of a-aww *sighs* mad m-matches, nyevew was the wike. 
WUCENTIO. Mistwess, w-what's *shuffles closer* youw opinyion *notices bulge* of youw sistew? 
:33 BIANCA. T-That, being mad hewsewf, she's madwy mated. 
GWEMIO. x3 I wawwant him, Petwuchio is Kated. 
BAPTISTA. Nyeighbouws and fwiends, though *teleports behind you* bwide and *cuddles you* bwidegwoom wants 
:33 Fow uWu to *notices bulge* suppwy the *blushes* pwaces at the t-tabwe, 
You k-knyow thewe wants nyo junkets *giggles shyly* at the feast. 
Wucentio, you shaww suppwy *shuffles closer* the bwidegwoom's pwace; 
And wet Bianca take h-hew sistew's woom. 
TWANyIO. S-Shaww s-sweet Bianca pwactise how to bwide i-it? 
BAPTISTA. *leans over* She shaww, Wucentio. C-Come, gentwemen, wet's go. 
Exeunt 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY *pokes you* WOWWD WIBWAWY, *looks away* INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF >_> IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
UwU WITH P-PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC A-AND MACHINyE *blushes* WEADABWE COPIES *teleports behind you* MAY *blushes* BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG A-AS SUCH *hugs tightly* COPIES (1) AWE *looks at you* FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (-(2) AWE NyOT D-DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE *sighs* THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



*moans* ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
PETWUCHIO'S ^w^ countwy house 

*screams* Entew G-GWUMIO 

GWUMIO. Fie, f-fie on aww tiwed jades, o-on aww mad mastews, and aww 
fouw ways! Was evew man s-so beaten? OwO Was *cuddles you* evew man so way'd? Was 
evew man so weawy? I am sent befowe to make a fiwe, and they awe 
*cuddles you* coming aftew to wawm them. Nyow wewe nyot I a wittwe pot a-and soon 
hot, m-my v-vewy wips might fweeze to my x3 teeth, my tongue to the w-woof 
of my mouth, my heawt in my bewwy, ewe I shouwd c-come by a f-fiwe to 
thaw me. But ^.^ I with *sighs* bwowing the fiwe shaww wawm mysewf; f-fow, 
considewing the weathew, *notices bulge* a tawwew man than I w-wiww take cowd. 
Howwa, ho! Cuwtis! 

^-^ Entew :3 CUWTIS 

CUWTIS. Who is that cawws so x3 cowdwy? 
GWUMIO. A piece *looks away* of ice. If thou *blushes* doubt *looks at you* it, thou m-mayst swide fwom my 
*hugs tightly* shouwdew to m-my >w< heew *giggles shyly* with n-nyo gweatew a wun but my head and my 
nyeck. A fiwe, good Cuwtis. 
x3 CUWTIS. Is my mastew and his w-wife coming, *cries* Gwumio? 
G-GWUMIO. O, OwO ay, Cuwtis, a-ay; and thewefowe fiwe, fiwe; cast on *looks at you* nyo 
watew. 
CUWTIS. Is she so hot a shwew as she's wepowted? 
GWUMIO. She was, g-good C-Cuwtis, b-befowe *cries* this fwost; but thou knyow'st 
wintew tames man, woman, and beast; fow it hath tam'd my owd 
mastew, and ^w^ my nyew m-mistwess, and mysewf, f-fewwow C-Cuwtis. 
CUWTIS. :33 Away, you thwee-inch foow! I am nyo beast. 
GWUMIO. Am I but thwee inches? Why, thy h-hown is a foot, and so *notices bulge* wong 
*cries* am I a-at the w-weast. B-But wiwt thou make a fiwe, o-ow shaww I compwain 
o-on thee to ouw mistwess, xDD whose hand- she being nyow at hand- thou 
shawt soon feew, to thy cowd comfowt, fow being *looks at you* swow in thy hot 
office? 
CUWTIS. I *sweats* pwithee, g-good G-Gwumio, teww me how goes the wowwd? 
GWUMIO. A cowd wowwd, C-Cuwtis, in e-evewy office but thinye; and 
thewefowe f-fiwe. *blushes* Do thy duty, and have t-thy duty, fow my mastew and 
mistwess *sweats* awe awmost fwozen to d-death. 
CUWTIS. Thewe's fiwe weady; and uWu thewefowe, good Gwumio, the nyews? 
GWUMIO. Why, '-'Jack boy! ho, boy!' and *hugs tightly* as much nyews as thou *blushes* wiwt. 
CUWTIS. *looks at you* Come, you awe so fuww of cony-catching! 
GWUMIO. Why, thewefowe, fiwe; UwU fow I have caught extweme *notices bulge* cowd. 
Whewe's the cook? I-Is suppew weady, the house twimm'd, *cries* wushes 
s-stwew'd, cobwebs swept, *sweats* the sewving-men in theiw nyew :33 fustian, 
theiw white stockings, xDD and evewy officew his wedding-gawment on? 
Be the jacks faiw within, the jiwws *shuffles closer* faiw *leans over* without, the ;;w;; cawpets 
waid, *notices bulge* and evewything in owdew? 
CUWTIS. *twerks* Aww weady; and >_> thewefowe, I pway t-thee, nyews. 
*twerks* GWUMIO. Fiwst k-knyow my howse is tiwed; my *cuddles you* mastew and mistwess faww'n 
out. 
CUWTIS. How? 
G-GWUMIO. Out of theiw saddwes OwO into t-the diwt; and *moans* theweby hangs a 
tawe. 
CUWTIS. Wet's ha't, good *hugs tightly* Gwumio. 
GWUMIO. W-Wend *sighs* thinye eaw. 
CUWTIS. Hewe. 
GWUMIO. Thewe. ^-^ [Stwiking h-him] 
CUWTIS. This '-'tis *teleports behind you* to feew a tawe, nyot t-to h-heaw a-a tawe. 
GWUMIO. OwO And t-thewefowe 'tis caww'd a sensibwe tawe; :3 and this cuff 
was b-but to knyock at youw caw and b-beseech wist'nying. Nyow I begin: 
^w^ Impwimis, we *notices bulge* came down a fouw hiww, my mastew widing b-behind my 
mistwess- 
CUWTIS. *cuddles you* Both of o-onye howse? 
GWUMIO. What's that to thee? 
*sighs* CUWTIS. Why, a h-howse. 
GWUMIO. Teww :3 thou the t-tawe. ^.^ But *leans over* hadst thou nyot cwoss'd me, thou 
shouwdst h-have heawd h-how hew howse feww and she undew hew howse; 
thou shouwdst h-have heawd in how miwy a-a pwace, how she *shuffles closer* was 
b-bemoiw'd, how he weft hew with t-the howse *leans over* upon *giggles shyly* hew, how he b-beat me 
because hew howse stumbwed, how she waded thwough *looks away* the diwt *hugs tightly* to 
pwuck him o-off me, how he swowe, how she pway'd that nyevew pway'd 
*hugs tightly* befowe, how I cwied, how the howses wan away, how hew bwidwe w-was 
buwst, how I w-wost my cwuppew- with many things of wowthy memowy, 
which nyow shaww d-die in obwivion, and thou wetuwn unyexpewienc'd to 
thy *sighs* gwave. 
CUWTIS. By this weck'nying he is mowe *twerks* shwew than s-she. 
:3 GWUMIO. Ay, and that thou and the pwoudest o-of y-you a-aww shaww :3 find 
when he comes home. B-But what tawk *hugs tightly* I of this? Caww *shuffles closer* fowth 
Nyathanyiew, J-Joseph, Nyichowas, Phiwip, Wawtew, *looks away* Sugawsop, and the 
west; wet theiw heads be sweekwy comb'd, theiw bwue coats bwush'd 
and t-theiw gawtews *screams* of a-an indiffewent knyit; wet t-them cuwtsy with 
theiw weft wegs, and nyot pwesume t-to touch a haiw of *notices bulge* my mastcw's 
howse-taiw tiww they k-kiss theiw hands. Awe they aww weady? 
CUWTIS. They awe. 
GWUMIO. ;;w;; Caww them fowth. 
CUWTIS. Do you heaw, ho? You must meet my *cries* mastew, to countenyance my 
mistwess. 
*sweats* GWUMIO. Why, *looks away* she hath ^.^ a *moans* face of hew own. 
CUWTIS. Who *looks at you* knyows nyot that? 
GWUMIO. Thou, it uWu seems, that cawws fow company to countenyance hew. 
CUWTIS. I caww *cries* them x3 fowth uWu to c-cwedit hew. 
GWUMIO. Why, she comes to bowwow >w< nyothing of them. 

*leans over* Entew fouw ow *sighs* five SEWVINGMEN 

NyATHANyIEW. Wewcome home, Gwumio! 
PHIWIP. *moans* How nyow, ^w^ Gwumio! 
J-JOSEPH. *pokes you* What, Gwumio! 
>_> NyICHOWAS. Fewwow Gwumio! 
NyATHANyIEW. How nyow, owd wad! 
GWUMIO. *moans* Wewcome, you!- how nyow, *giggles shyly* you!- what, ;;w;; you!- *leans over* fewwow, *giggles shyly* you!- and 
thus much fow gweeting. Nyow, x3 my *moans* spwuce companyions, is aww weady, 
and *screams* aww things nyeat? 
NyATHANyIEW. Aww things is :3 weady. How nyeaw is ouw mastew? 
GWUMIO. E'en at *notices bulge* hand, awighted by this; and thewefowe be nyot- 
Cock's passion, siwence! I-I *cuddles you* heaw my mastew. 

E-Entew PETWUCHIO and KATHEWINyA 

PETWUCHIO. Whewe be these *pokes you* knyaves? What, nyo man at ;;w;; doow 
*sighs* To howd m-my >_< stiwwup nyow to take my *notices bulge* howse! 
Whewe is Nyathanyiew, Gwegowy, Phiwip? 
AWW SEWVANTS. Hewe, hewe, siw; hewe, siw. 
PETWUCHIO. Hewe, siw! hewe, siw! hewe, siw! hewe, siw! 
You woggew-headed and unpowish'd gwooms! 
What, n-nyo >_< attendance? nyo wegawd? *screams* nyo duty? 
Whewe is the foowish knyave I sent befowe? 
GWUMIO. Hewe, siw; as foowish as I was befowe. 
PETWUCHIO. YOU p-peasant swain! y-you whoweson *cuddles you* mawt-howse dwudge! 
Did I nyot bid thee meet me *moans* in the pawk 
And b-bwing awong these wascaw ^.^ knyaves with thee? 
GWUMIO. Nyathanyiew's *pokes you* coat, siw, was nyot fuwwy *pokes you* made, 
And Gabwiew's pumps wewe a-aww unpink'd *sighs* i' th' heew; 
Thewe was nyo w-wink to cowouw *notices bulge* Petew's hat, 
And *sighs* Wawtew's daggew was >w< nyot come fwom sheathing; 
Thewe UwU wewe *shuffles closer* nyonye *leans over* finye but *sweats* Adam, Wawph, x3 and Gwegowy; 
The w-west wewe wagged, *cuddles you* owd, a-and b-beggawwy; 
Yet, uWu as they *screams* awe, h-hewe awe they come t-to meet you. 
PETWUCHIO. Go, wascaws, go and fetch my suppew *giggles shyly* in. 
Exeunt some OwO of the SEWVINGMEN 

[Sings] *pokes you* Whewe i-is t-the wife t-that *sighs* wate I w-wed? 
Whewe awe those- 

Sit >_> down, *teleports behind you* Kate, a-and wewcome. Soud, *shuffles closer* soud, s-soud, soud! 

We-entew SEWVANTS with suppew 

Why, when, ^-^ I say? Nyay, good sweet Kate, be *looks away* mewwy. 
O-Off w-with *shuffles closer* my boots, :33 you *notices bulge* wogues! y-you viwwains, when? 

[Sings] It was t-the fwiaw of o-owdews gwey, 
A-As *notices bulge* he f-fowth wawked on his way- 

Out, you wogue! you pwuck my foot awwy; 
*moans* Take :3 that, a-and mend t-the pwucking *hugs tightly* off *shuffles closer* the othew. 
[Stwikes him] 
B-Be mewwy, Kate. S-Some *cuddles you* watew, hewe, what, *sweats* ho! 

E-Entew onye with *leans over* watew 

W-Whewe's my spanyiew *cries* Twoiwus? *cuddles you* Siwwah, get y-you h-hence, 
And bid my cousin Fewdinyand come hithew: 
Exit *blushes* SEWVINGMAN 
Onye, Kate, that you *hugs tightly* must kiss *looks at you* and be acquainted with. 
Whewe awe my swippews? Shaww I h-have some w-watew? 
Come, :33 Kate, and wash, and wewcome heawtiwy. 
You whoweson viwwain! wiww *notices bulge* you UwU wet OwO it f-faww? [Stwikes him] 
KATHEWINyA. Patience, I p-pway you; 'twas a fauwt unwiwwing. 
PETWUCHIO. A *shuffles closer* whoweson, beetwe-headed, fwap-eaw'd knyave! 
Come, Kate, sit down; *hugs tightly* I knyow you have >w< a stomach. 
Wiww :33 you g-give thanks, sweet Kate, :3 ow >w< ewse shaww I? 
>w< What's ^w^ this? Mutton? 
FIWST SEWVANT. Ay. 
PETWUCHIO. W-Who bwought it? 
PETEW. I. 
PETWUCHIO. 'Tis *screams* buwnt; and so is aww *pokes you* the meat. 
*looks at you* What dogs awe these? Whewe is the wascaw cook? 
How duwst you viwwains *looks at you* bwing it fwom the dwessew 
And sewve it thus to me that wove OwO it nyot? 
Thewe, take i-it to you, twenchews, cups, and aww; 
[Thwows t-the meat, etc., at them] 
Y-You heedwess jowtheads and unmannyew'd s-swaves! 
*leans over* What, do you gwumbwe? I'ww *hugs tightly* be with *pokes you* you stwaight. 
Exeunt SEWVANTS 
KATHEWINyA. I pway you, *shuffles closer* husband, be nyot so disquiet; 
The meat *hugs tightly* was *looks away* weww, if you wewe so contented. 
PETWUCHIO. I teww thee, Kate, 'twas buwnt and dwied *notices bulge* away, 
^-^ And I expwesswy am fowbid t-to touch it; 
F-Fow it e-engendews c-chowew, pwanteth a-angew; 
And bettew 'twewe *looks at you* that both of us did fast, 
*sighs* Since, OwO of ouwsewves, ouwsewves awe *moans* chowewic, 
Than feed i-it with such ovew-woasted fwesh. 
Be patient; to-mowwow 't shaww be mended. 
And f-fow t-this nyight we'ww fast fow UwU company. 
C-Come, I wiww xDD bwing thee *giggles shyly* to thy bwidaw c-chambew. Exeunt 

;;w;; We-entew SEWVANTS sevewawwy 

NyATHANyIEW. Petew, didst evew *moans* see the wike? 
PETEW. ^w^ He kiwws hew in hew *notices bulge* own humouw. 

We-entew CUWTIS 

GWUMIO. Whewe is he? 
CUWTIS. In hew ^.^ chambew. Making a s-sewmon of continyency *looks at you* to hew, 
*pokes you* And waiws, and sweaws, and w-wates, >_> that she, poow s-souw, 
Knyows nyot which way to s-stand, to wook, to speak. 
A-And s-sits as onye nyew wisen fwom a dweam. 
Away, away! fow he is coming hithew. *moans* Exeunt 

We-entew PETWUCHIO 

*twerks* PETWUCHIO. Thus have I-I powiticwy begun my weign, 
And 'tis my *cuddles you* hope to end successfuwwy. 
*moans* My fawcon nyow is *twerks* shawp and passing empty. 
And tiww she *leans over* stoop she m-must nyot be fuww-gowg'd, 
Fow then she nyevew wooks upon *screams* hew wuwe. 
A-Anyothew *twerks* way I-I have to m-man my haggawd, 
To make hew come, and k-knyow hew keepew's c-caww, 
That is, to w-watch hew, as w-we watch these k-kites 
*sweats* That b-bate and b-beat, *looks at you* and wiww x3 nyot b-be *hugs tightly* obedient. 
She eat nyo meat to-day, nyow nyonye shaww eat; 
Wast nyight she swept nyot, nyow to-nyight she shaww nyot; 
As x3 with the UwU meat, *looks away* some undesewved f-fauwt 
*screams* I'ww find >_< about the making of the bed; 
And hewe I'ww fwing the piwwow, thewe t-the bowstew, 
This >_< way :33 the covewwet, anyothew way *cries* the UwU sheets; 
Ay, and a-amid this huwwy I intend 
T-That *shuffles closer* aww is donye in wevewend *moans* cawe of h-hew- 
And, in concwusion, xDD she s-shaww watch aww nyight; 
^-^ And if she *twerks* chance to nyod I-I'ww waiw and bwaww 
And with the *looks away* cwamouw ;;w;; keep hew s-stiww awake. 
This is a w-way to kiww a wife with kindnyess, 
And *teleports behind you* thus I'ww cuwb hew m-mad and headstwong humouw. 
He that UwU knyows bettew how to tame *teleports behind you* a shwew, 
Nyow wet him speak; 'tis chawity t-to >_> show. Exit 




SCENyE II. 
Padua. Befowe BAPTISTA'S ^w^ house 

Entew TWANyIO as *sweats* WUCENTIO, and *moans* HOWTENSIO as WICIO 

TWANyIO. Is 't possibwe, fwiend Wicio, :33 that Mistwess Bianca 
Doth fancy any othew but Wucentio? 
I teww you, siw, she beaws me *sweats* faiw in hand. 
HOWTENSIO. Siw, to satisfy you i-in what I ^.^ have said, 
>w< Stand by and mawk the m-mannyew of his teaching. 
[They stand >_> aside] 

Entew BIANCA, ^.^ and WUCENTIO xDD as C-CAMBIO 

WUCENTIO. Nyow, mistwess, pwofit y-you *cuddles you* in >_> what you x3 wead? 
BIANCA. What, mastew, wead you, Fiwst wesowve me that. 
WUCENTIO. I wead that I pwofess, 'The Awt to W-Wove.' 
B-BIANCA. And may *cries* you p-pwove, siw, ;;w;; mastew of *moans* youw awt! 
WUCENTIO. Whiwe you, OwO sweet deaw, pwove mistwess of my heawt. 
[They ^-^ wetiwe] 
HOWTENSIO. Quick pwoceedews, :33 mawwy! N-Nyow teww me, I-I pway, 
You that duwst *blushes* sweaw t-that youw Mistwess Bwanca 
*looks at you* Wov'd nyonye in the wowwd so weww as Wucentio. 
TWANyIO. O despitefuw *notices bulge* wove! unconstant womankind! 
I teww thee, Wicio, this is wondewfuw. 
^w^ HOWTENSIO. Mistake n-nyo mowe; ^.^ I am nyot W-Wicio. 
Nyow a musician as *looks away* I seem t-to be; 
But *cries* onye xDD that scown t-to wive in this disguise 
OwO Fow such a onye as w-weaves a gentweman 
And makes a god of such a-a cuwwion. 
Knyow, s-siw, *shuffles closer* that I am caww'd Howtensio. 
*teleports behind you* TWANyIO. S-Signyiow Howtensio, I have often heawd 
Of youw ;;w;; entiwe affection to Bianca; 
And since minye eyes awe witnyess of hew wightnyess, 
I-I wiww with *shuffles closer* you, *looks at you* if you be so contented, 
F-Fowsweaw Bianca and hew wove fow evew. 
HOWTENSIO. See, how :3 they kiss a-and *shuffles closer* couwt! Signyiow W-Wucentio, 
Hewe is my hand, and hewe I fiwmwy vow 
:3 Nyevew to w-woo hew mowe, but do fowsweaw hew, 
As onye unwowthy aww the fowmew favouws 
That I have fondwy fwattew'd hew withaw. 
TWANyIO. *screams* And hewe I take the *cuddles you* wike unfeignyed oath, 
Nyevew to mawwy with hew though she wouwd e-entweat; 
Fie on hew! S-See how beastwy s-she doth couwt him! 
HOWTENSIO. :3 Wouwd *notices bulge* aww the wowwd but he had quite fowswown! 
Fow me, that I may suwewy keep minye oath, 
I wiww be mawwied t-to a weawtwwy widow 
Ewe t-thwee days pass, which *cuddles you* hath as wong wov'd m-me 
As ^.^ I have wov'd this pwoud disdainfuw *teleports behind you* haggawd. 
And so faweweww, ^w^ Signyiow Wucentio. 
Kindnyess in women, nyot theiw beauteous *twerks* wooks, 
Shaww win my OwO wove; *looks at you* and so I take my weave, 
In wesowution as I swowe b-befowe. Exit 
*sighs* TWANyIO. Mistwess Bianca, bwess you with such gwace 
As 'wongeth to a-a wovew's bwessed case! 
*screams* Nyay, I have ta'en you nyapping, gentwe wove, 
And h-have fowswown you *shuffles closer* with Howtensio. 
BIANCA. Twanyio, you jest; *pokes you* but have y-you both fowswown me? 
:33 TWANyIO. Mistwess, we *notices bulge* have. 
WUCENTIO. Then we *hugs tightly* awe wid of Wicio. 
TWANyIO. I-I' faith, he'ww have a wusty widow nyow, 
That shaww be woo'd and wedded in a day. 
BIANCA. God give him joy! 
TWANyIO. ^.^ Ay, and he'ww tame hew. 
>_< BIANCA. He s-says ^.^ so, *sighs* Twanyio. 
TWANyIO. Faith, *pokes you* he is gonye u-unto the t-taming-schoow. 
BIANCA. T-The t-taming-schoow! What, is thewe such a pwace? 
TWANyIO. Ay, mistwess; :3 and P-Petwuchio is *looks away* the m-mastew, 
That teacheth twicks eweven and twenty wong, 
To tame a shwew and chawm hew chattewing tongue. 

*cries* Entew BIONDEWWO 

BIONDEWWO. O-O m-mastew, mastew, have w-watch'd so wong 
*sighs* That I am dog-weawy; but at wast I spied 
An ancient angew coming ^w^ down the hiww 
Wiww *cries* sewve the tuwn. 
TWANyIO. What is h-he, Biondewwo? 
BIONDEWWO. Mastew, a m-mewcatante ow a pedant, 
I knyow uWu nyot what; b-but fowmaw in ^-^ appawew, 
In :33 gait a-and countenyance ^.^ suwewy w-wike a *blushes* fathew. 
WUCENTIO. And what of him, T-Twanyio? 
TWANyIO. If he be cweduwous and twust my tawe, 
I'ww make him gwad to seem V-Vincentio, 
And :3 give a-assuwance to Baptista Minyowa 
As if he *teleports behind you* wewe the wight *looks at you* Vincentio. 
Take in :33 youw wove, and *cuddles you* then wet me awonye. 
Exeunt WUCENTIO and B-BIANCA 

*shuffles closer* Entew *moans* a :33 PEDANT 

*blushes* PEDANT. God save you, siw! 
T-TWANyIO. And ^w^ you, siw; you awe wewcome. 
Twavew you faw on, *shuffles closer* ow awe you at the fawthest? 
P-PEDANT. Siw, at t-the fawthest fow a week ow *shuffles closer* two; 
But then up fawthew, and *sweats* as faw as x3 Wome; 
And *cries* so to Twipowi, *screams* if God wend me wife. 
TWANyIO. W-What countwyman, *cuddles you* I pway? 
PEDANT. Of :3 Mantua. 
TWANyIO. Of Mantua, siw? Mawwy, God fowbid, 
And come to *notices bulge* Padua, cawewess of youw *twerks* wife! 
PEDANT. My wife, siw! H-How, I pway? Fow :33 that goes hawd. 
TWANyIO. *cries* 'Tis death fow any onye in Mantua 
To come to P-Padua. Knyow you nyot the cause? 
Youw ships a-awe stay'd at Venyice; and the Duke, 
Fow pwivate quawwew 'twixt youw D-Duke a-and him, 
Hath *looks away* pubwish'd and p-pwocwaim'd *looks at you* it openwy. 
'Tis mawvew- but that you awe but nyewwy come, 
Y-You might have heawd it ewse pwocwaim'd about. 
PEDANT. Awas, siw, it is *cuddles you* wowse f-fow OwO me than so! 
Fow I have biwws fow monyey *pokes you* by exchange 
*hugs tightly* Fwom Fwowence, and must h-hewe dewivew *looks away* them. 
*cries* TWANyIO. *twerks* Weww, siw, *notices bulge* to do you couwtesy, 
*twerks* This wiww I d-do, *notices bulge* and this *blushes* I wiww advise you- 
Fiwst, t-teww *teleports behind you* me, have you evew been at *hugs tightly* Pisa? 
^w^ PEDANT. Ay, siw, in Pisa have I often been, 
Pisa wenyownyed fow gwave citizens. 
TWANyIO. Among them knyow you onye Vincentio? 
>_> PEDANT. I knyow *notices bulge* him n-nyot, but I have heawd of him, 
A-A *twerks* mewchant of incompawabwe weawth. 
>_< TWANyIO. H-He is m-my fathew, *looks at you* siw; and, x3 sooth to say, 
OwO In count'nyance somewhat :3 doth *teleports behind you* wesembwe you. 
B-BIONDEWWO. [Aside] x3 As *blushes* much as an appwe d-doth an oystew, *hugs tightly* and aww 
onye. 
TWANyIO. *teleports behind you* To save youw wife in >w< this *sighs* extwemity, 
This *cries* favouw wiww I do you fow his sake; 
And t-think it nyot the wowst of aww youw f-fowtunyes 
T-That *blushes* you awe wike to UwU Siw UwU Vincentio. 
His n-nyame and cwedit shaww y-you u-undewtake, 
*pokes you* And in my house you x3 shaww be fwiendwy *cries* wodg'd; 
Wook that *sighs* you t-take u-upon you as you shouwd. 
xDD You undewstand me, siw. S-So shaww you *teleports behind you* stay 
Tiww y-you >_> have xDD donye youw businyess i-in the c-city. 
If t-this be couwt'sy, siw, accept of it. 
PEDANT. O-O, siw, *cuddles you* I do; and wiww wepute you evew 
The patwon *screams* of my wife and w-wibewty. 
:33 TWANyIO. T-Then g-go with me to make the mattew good. 
This, by the way, I w-wet y-you undewstand: 
My fathew is h-hewe wook'd fow evewy day 
To pass assuwance of a dow'w in mawwiage 
'Twixt me and onye B-Baptista's *looks away* daughtew hewe. 
xDD In aww these c-ciwcumstances I'ww instwuct you. 
Go with me to cwothe you as becomes you. ^-^ Exeunt 




UwU SCENyE III. 
PETWUCHIO'S house 

Entew KATHEWINyA a-and GWUMIO 

*shuffles closer* GWUMIO. Nyo, *cries* nyo, fowsooth; I-I dawe nyot *teleports behind you* fow my wife. 
K-KATHEWINyA. The mowe my wwong, the mowe his s-spite appeaws. 
uWu What, did he m-mawwy me to famish me? 
B-Beggaws that x3 come unto my fathew's doow 
U-Upon entweaty h-have a-a pwesent awms; 
If nyot, ewsewhewe :33 they meet with c-chawity; 
But I-I, who *sighs* nyevew knyew how to entweat, 
Nyow nyevew nyeeded UwU that I-I shouwd entweat, 
Am stawv'd fow meat, g-giddy fow x3 wack of sweep; 
With oaths kept w-waking, OwO and with bwawwing *cries* fed; 
And that which spites me mowe than aww these wants- 
He does it undew n-nyame *notices bulge* of pewfect wove; 
As who shouwd say, if I shouwd sweep ow eat, 
'Twewe deadwy sicknyess ow ewse pwesent death. 
I-I pwithee go a-and get me some wepast; 
I cawe nyot *cries* what, *looks at you* so it be *moans* whowesome food. 
GWUMIO. What say you to uWu a nyeat's UwU foot? 
KATHEWINyA. '-'Tis passing good; I pwithee wet me have it. 
GWUMIO. I feaw i-it is *hugs tightly* too chowewic a meat. 
How say you to a fat twipe finyewy bwoiw'd? 
KATHEWINyA. I *sweats* wike >w< it ^w^ weww; good Gwumio, f-fetch it me. 
GWUMIO. *looks away* I cannyot teww; I feaw *giggles shyly* 'tis chowewic. 
*giggles shyly* What say you to a-a p-piece *shuffles closer* of beef and ^-^ mustawd? 
KATHEWINyA. >_< A dish that I-I do wove to feed u-upon. 
GWUMIO. Ay, but the mustawd is too hot a wittwe. 
KATHEWINyA. Why then the *blushes* beef, and wet the mustawd west. 
GWUMIO. Nyay, then I wiww nyot; you OwO shaww have the x3 mustawd, 
Ow e-ewse you get nyo beef of Gwumio. 
KATHEWINyA. Then both, ow onye, ow anything t-thou wiwt. 
GWUMIO. Why then the mustawd w-without the b-beef. 
KATHEWINyA. Go, get uWu thee g-gonye, *teleports behind you* thou fawse dewuding *moans* swave, 
[Beats him] 
That feed'st me with *cuddles you* the vewy nyame o-of meat. 
Sowwow on thee and aww the pack of you 
That t-twiumph t-thus upon my m-misewy! 
Go, get thee gonye, I say. 

Entew PETWUCHIO, and HOWTENSIO with m-meat 

PETWUCHIO. How fawes my Kate? *blushes* What, sweeting, a-aww amowt? 
HOWTENSIO. Mistwess, what cheew? 
KATHEWINyA. >_> Faith, as cowd as can be. 
*moans* PETWUCHIO. Pwuck up *teleports behind you* thy spiwits, w-wook cheewfuwwy u-upon me. 
Hewe, wove, thou s-seest how diwigent I-I am, 
To dwess t-thy meat mysewf, x3 and bwing i-it *notices bulge* thee. 
I *looks away* am suwe, s-sweet K-Kate, this kindnyess mewits thanks. 
What, nyot a wowd? Nyay, then t-thou wov'st it nyot, 
^.^ And a-aww my pains >_> is sowted to nyo pwoof. 
Hewe, take *screams* away this dish. 
K-KATHEWINyA. I :3 pway you, wet it stand. 
PETWUCHIO. The poowest *cuddles you* sewvice is wepaid with thanks; 
And so shaww minye, befowe you touch the meat. 
K-KATHEWINyA. I thank you, siw. 
HOWTENSIO. Signyiow Petwuchio, :33 fie! you awe t-to *teleports behind you* bwame. 
Come, M-Mistwess Kate, I'ww beaw y-you c-company. 
PETWUCHIO. [Aside] Eat it up aww, Howtensio, if t-thou w-wovest me.- 
Much good do it unto thy gentwe heawt! 
Kate, eat apace. And OwO nyow, my h-honyey wove, 
W-Wiww we wetuwn u-unto thy fathew's house 
And wevew it a-as bwavewy as the best, 
With siwken c-coats and caps, and gowden wings, 
*teleports behind you* With wuffs and cuffs >_> and *giggles shyly* fawthingawes and things, 
With scawfs and fans and doubwe change of x3 bwav'wy. 
*moans* With a-ambew bwacewets, beads, and aww this knyav'wy. 
What, h-hast thou din'd? The t-taiwow stays thy weisuwe, 
To deck thy body with his >w< wuffwing tweasuwe. 

Entew TAIWOW 

*sweats* Come, taiwow, wet us s-see these ownyaments; 
Way fowth *looks at you* the g-gown. 

Entew H-HABEWDASHEW 

*sweats* What nyews with you, siw? 
HABEWDASHEW. Hewe is the cap y-youw wowship :3 did bespeak. 
P-PETWUCHIO. Why, this >_< was mouwded on a p-powwingew; 
A-A v-vewvet dish. Fie, fie! 'tis wewd a-and *teleports behind you* fiwthy; 
Why, 'tis >_> a cockwe ow a wawnyut-sheww, 
;;w;; A k-knyack, a toy, a twick, a baby's cap. 
Away with i-it. Come, wet me have a biggew. 
KATHEWINyA. I'ww uWu have nyo biggew; *twerks* this doth fit the *sweats* time, 
A-And gentwewomen w-weaw such caps as *moans* these. 
PETWUCHIO. When y-you awe ^.^ gentwe, you shaww have *blushes* onye t-too, 
And nyot tiww then. 
HOWTENSIO. [Aside] That wiww nyot be in haste. 
KATHEWINyA. Why, uWu siw, I-I twust I may have weave to speak; 
*looks at you* And *screams* speak I ^.^ wiww. I-I am nyo chiwd, nyo babe. 
>w< Youw bettews have enduw'd me say my mind, 
And if you cannyot, best you *notices bulge* stop youw eaws. 
M-My uWu tongue wiww teww the angew of ^.^ my *cries* heawt, 
Ow ewse my heawt, conceawing it, w-wiww ^.^ bweak; 
And wathew than i-it shaww, I w-wiww be f-fwee 
Even to the uttewmost, *moans* as I pwease, i-in wowds. 
PETWUCHIO. Why, thou say'st twue; it is a pawtwy cap, 
A custawd-coffin, a baubwe, a s-siwken pie; 
I-I wove thee w-weww in t-that thou wik'st it nyot. 
KATHEWINyA. Wove me ^-^ ow wove me nyot, I wike the cap; 
And it I wiww have, OwO ow I w-wiww have nyonye. Exit HABEWDASHEW 
P-PETWUCHIO. Thy g-gown? Why, >_> ay. Come, t-taiwow, *moans* wet u-us see't. 
O m-mewcy, God! what masquing stuff i-is *screams* hewe? 
What's this? A sweeve? 'Tis wike a-a d-demi-cannyon. 
What, *screams* up and down, cawv'd wike a-an a-appwetawt? 
Hewe's snyip and *sighs* nyip and cut and s-swish and swash, 
Wike to a censew *pokes you* in a-a bawbew's shop. 
*teleports behind you* Why, what a deviw's nyame, taiwow, caww'st thou t-this? 
HOWTENSIO. [Aside] I *screams* see she's wike to have nyeithew cap nyow gown. 
*moans* TAIWOW. You bid me make ;;w;; it owdewwy *sighs* and weww, 
Accowding ^-^ to the fashion and the time. 
PETWUCHIO. Mawwy, and did; but i-if you b-be wememb'wed, 
I d-did nyot bid you maw it to the t-time. 
Go, hop me ovew evewy ^.^ kennyew home, 
Fow you shaww hop without my custom, siw. 
I'ww n-nyonye of *giggles shyly* it; *teleports behind you* hence! make youw best *screams* of *cuddles you* it. 
KATHEWINyA. I *twerks* nyevew saw a x3 bettew *leans over* fashion'd gown, 
Mowe quaint, mowe pweasing, UwU nyow mowe commendabwe; 
Bewike *leans over* you mean to make a puppet of m-me. 
PETWUCHIO. Why, *looks away* twue; he means *cuddles you* to make *blushes* a puppet of thee. 
TAIWOW. She says youw wowship means >_< to make a *hugs tightly* puppet of uWu hew. 
PETWUCHIO. O m-monstwous xDD awwogance! Thou wiest, *cries* thou thwead, thou 
thimbwe, 
*teleports behind you* Thou yawd, thwee-quawtews, hawf-yawd, q-quawtew, nyaiw, 
Thou f-fwea, thou nyit, thou wintew-cwicket thou- 
Bwav'd in minye UwU own house w-with a skein of thwead! 
Away, thou wag, thou quantity, thou x3 wemnyant; 
Ow I shaww so bemete thee with thy yawd 
As thou s-shawt think ;;w;; on pwating ^.^ whiwst thou *shuffles closer* wiv'st! 
I teww thee, I, *looks at you* that thou hast maww'd *sweats* hew gown. 
T-TAIWOW. Youw wowship is d-deceiv'd; *looks away* the gown is UwU made 
J-Just as my mastew had diwection. 
Gwumio gave owdew how :33 it shouwd be d-donye. 
GWUMIO. I g-gave h-him nyo owdew; I-I gave him t-the stuff. 
TAIWOW. But how did you desiwe it shouwd b-be made? 
GWUMIO. Mawwy, siw, with nyeedwe and thwead. 
*teleports behind you* TAIWOW. But *giggles shyly* did y-you nyot wequest to have *twerks* it cut? 
GWUMIO. Thou hast fac'd many things. 
TAIWOW. I have. 
*moans* GWUMIO. Face nyot me. Thou hast bwav'd many men; bwave nyot me. *sighs* I 
^.^ wiww nyeithew be fac'd nyow bwav'd. I say *notices bulge* unto thee, I bid t-thy 
mastew cut out the gown; but I did nyot bid :33 him cut i-it to pieces. 
Ewgo, *notices bulge* thou wiest. 
TAIWOW. Why, hewe *teleports behind you* is the nyote of the fashion to testify. 
P-PETWUCHIO. :33 Wead it. 
GWUMIO. The nyote wies in's thwoat, i-if *moans* he say I said so. 
T-TAIWOW. [Weads] 'Impwimis, a woose-bodied gown'- 
*looks away* GWUMIO. Mastew, if evew I s-said woose-bodied *leans over* gown, sew UwU me *moans* in the 
skiwts of it and beat *teleports behind you* me t-to d-death with a uWu bottom of *shuffles closer* bwown bwead; *moans* I 
said a *looks at you* gown. 
PETWUCHIO. xDD Pwoceed. 
TAIWOW. [-[Weads] 'With ^.^ a smaww c-compass'd c-cape'- 
GWUMIO. I confess the *blushes* cape. 
TAIWOW. [Weads] '-'With a twunk sweeve'- 
G-GWUMIO. I confess two sweeves. 
TAIWOW. [Weads] 'The sweeves c-cuwiouswy cut.' 
*notices bulge* PETWUCHIO. Ay, thewe's t-the v-viwwainy. 
GWUMIO. Ewwow i' th' biww, siw; e-ewwow i' th' biww! I commanded the 
sweeves shouwd be cut out, and sew'd up a-again; and t-that I-I'ww 
OwO pwove upon thee, though t-thy wittwe f-fingew be awmed in a x3 thimbwe. 
TAIWOW. UwU This is twue that I say; an OwO I had thee i-in pwace whewe, thou 
shouwdst *notices bulge* knyow it. 
GWUMIO. I am *cries* fow thee stwaight; t-take thou the biww, give me t-thy 
meteyawd, a-and spawe nyot me. 
H-HOWTENSIO. God-a-mewcy, Gwumio! Then he shaww have nyo odds. 
PETWUCHIO. Weww, siw, in >w< bwief, the gown i-is nyot fow me. 
*shuffles closer* GWUMIO. You awe i' th' wight, s-siw; '-'tis fow my m-mistwess. 
P-PETWUCHIO. Go, >w< take >_> it up unto thy mastew's use. 
GWUMIO. Viwwain, nyot fow thy w-wife! *looks away* Take uWu up my *leans over* mistwess' gown f-fow 
thy mastew's use! 
PETWUCHIO. ^-^ Why, siw, ^.^ what's youw c-conceit in that? 
G-GWUMIO. O-O, *hugs tightly* siw, *notices bulge* the *hugs tightly* conceit is deepew than you t-think f-fow. 
Take up my mistwess' gown t-to his m-mastew's use! 
O fie, fie, fie! 
PETWUCHIO. [Aside] :3 Howtensio, say thou wiwt see the taiwow paid.- 
Go take >_< it hence; :33 be gonye, ^-^ and s-say n-nyo mowe. 
*moans* HOWTENSIO. Taiwow, I'ww pay thee *twerks* fow t-thy *blushes* gown to-mowwow; 
Take nyo unkindnyess of his h-hasty wowds. 
Away, I say; commend m-me to thy mastew. Exit TAIWOW 
P-PETWUCHIO. Weww, come, my Kate; w-we wiww unto youw fathew's 
Even i-in these honyest mean habiwiments; 
Ouw puwses shaww be *cries* pwoud, ouw gawments p-poow; 
Fow 'tis the mind that makes the body ^w^ wich; 
And as the s-sun bweaks thwough the x3 dawkest cwouds, 
So honyouw peeweth >w< in the meanyest ;;w;; habit. 
What, is the jay mowe pwecious than the wawk 
Because his feathews awe mowe beautifuw? 
O-Ow is >_< the addew bettew than the *cries* eew 
*looks away* Because his painted skin c-contents the *screams* eye? 
O n-nyo, *hugs tightly* good Kate; nyeithew awt t-thou ^w^ the wowse 
Fow :33 this *sighs* poow fuwnyituwe and mean awway. 
If *screams* thou account'st it shame, ^w^ way >w< it on me; 
And thewefowe fwowic; we wiww hence fowthwith 
*cries* To feast a-and *screams* spowt us >w< at thy f-fathew's uWu house. 
Go caww my men, and wet us stwaight to h-him; 
And b-bwing ouw howses u-unto Wong-wanye end; 
Thewe wiww we mount, and thithew wawk on foot. 
Wet's see; I think 'tis nyow some s-seven o'cwock, 
>w< And weww we may *giggles shyly* come thewe by dinnyew-time. 
KATHEWINyA. *moans* I dawe :3 assuwe you, siw, *pokes you* 'tis awmost two, 
And 'twiww be suppew-time ewe you come thewe. 
*cries* PETWUCHIO. It uWu shaww b-be seven >_< ewe *blushes* I go to howse. 
Wook what I speak, ow do, ow think to do, 
^-^ You *cries* awe stiww c-cwossing it. Siws, wet '-'t awonye; 
I wiww nyot go *sweats* to-day; and ewe *cries* I do, 
It shaww be what o'cwock I ^-^ say it *moans* is. 
HOWTENSIO. *moans* Why, so this gawwant wiww c-command the ^w^ sun. 
*blushes* Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Padua. Befowe BAPTISTA'S OwO house 

E-Entew TWANyIO as *moans* WUCENTIO, a-and the *shuffles closer* PEDANT dwessed wike *screams* VINCENTIO 

TWANyIO. Siw, this is the house; pwease it you that I caww? 
P-PEDANT. Ay, what ewse? And, but I *screams* be deceived, 
Signyiow Baptista may wemembew me 
Nyeaw twenty yeaws ago in Genyoa, 
Whewe w-we wewe *notices bulge* wodgews at the Pegasus. 
TWANyIO. 'Tis w-weww; and howd *looks at you* youw o-own, *leans over* in a-any case, 
*cuddles you* With such austewity as wongeth to *blushes* a fathew. 

Entew BIONDEWWO 

>w< PEDANT. I xDD wawwant you. *hugs tightly* But, siw, hewe c-comes *cries* youw boy; 
'Twewe g-good he wewe schoow'd. 
TWANyIO. *teleports behind you* Feaw you nyot him. Siwwah ^w^ Biondewwo, 
*giggles shyly* Nyow d-do y-youw ^-^ duty thwoughwy, I advise y-you. 
Imaginye 'twewe the wight Vincentio. 
*hugs tightly* BIONDEWWO. Tut, UwU feaw nyot me. 
TWANyIO. B-But hast thou donye t-thy *teleports behind you* ewwand to *cries* Baptista? 
BIONDEWWO. I towd him t-that youw fathew was at Venyice, 
And that you wook'd fow him t-this day in Padua. 
:3 TWANyIO. Th'awt a *moans* taww fewwow; *shuffles closer* howd thee *notices bulge* that to dwink. 
*giggles shyly* Hewe comes Baptista. Set youw c-countenyance, *leans over* siw. 

Entew BAPTISTA, *notices bulge* and WUCENTIO as CAMBIO 

S-Signyiow Baptista, you awe happiwy met. 
[To To *cries* the PEDANT] Siw, this is t-the gentweman I towd y-you of; 
I pway *looks at you* you stand good fathew to me n-nyow; 
*cries* Give me Bianca fow m-my patwimony. 
PEDANT. Soft, s-son! 
Siw, by youw weave: having come to Padua 
To gathew in >_< some debts, my s-son Wucentio 
Made me acquainted with a weighty cause 
Of wove between youw daughtew *cries* and himsewf; 
And- fow the *hugs tightly* good wepowt I-I heaw of you, 
And f-fow the w-wove he beaweth to youw daughtew, 
And she to :33 him- to stay him nyot too wong, 
*blushes* I am c-content, i-in *giggles shyly* a good fathew's cawe, 
To have him match'd; and, if you pwease to wike 
Nyo :33 wowse than I, upon some agweement 
Me shaww you find weady and wiwwing 
With onye consent to *notices bulge* have hew so bestow'd; 
Fow cuwious I cannyot be with you, 
*sweats* Signyiow Baptista, of whom I heaw so weww. 
BAPTISTA. Siw, pawdon me in what I have to say. 
*giggles shyly* Youw pwainnyess and *pokes you* youw s-showtnyess pwease me *notices bulge* weww. 
Wight twue it is youw s-son Wucentio h-hewe 
Doth wove my daughtew, and she woveth him, 
Ow both dissembwe *looks away* deepwy theiw affections; 
A-And t-thewefowe, if *blushes* you *twerks* say nyo mowe than this, 
That xDD wike *cuddles you* a fathew y-you wiww deaw with him, 
And p-pass my daughtew a-a sufficient dowew, 
The match is made, and aww is donye- 
Y-Youw son shaww xDD have my daughtew w-with consent. 
TWANyIO. I t-thank y-you, siw. Whewe then do you knyow best 
We be a-affied, and such assuwance *twerks* ta'en 
As shaww ^-^ with eithew pawt's agweement stand? 
BAPTISTA. ^.^ Nyot in m-my house, Wucentio, fow you knyow 
Pitchews have eaws, and I have many :3 sewvants; 
>_< Besides, owd Gwemio is h-heawk'nying stiww, 
And happiwy we might be intewwupted. 
TWANyIO. Then :3 at my wodging, an it wike y-you. 
Thewe doth my fathew wie; and thewe this nyight 
W-We'ww pass the businyess pwivatewy and weww. 
S-Send fow youw daughtew by y-youw *cuddles you* sewvant hewe; 
My *cries* boy shaww fetch the scwivenyew pwesentwy. 
The wowst *cuddles you* is t-this, t-that at so swendew wawnying 
You awe wike to have *sighs* a thin uWu and *giggles shyly* swendew pittance. 
BAPTISTA. It w-wikes *looks away* me weww. Cambio, hie you home, 
And ^-^ bid Bianca make hew w-weady stwaight; 
And, *screams* if *sighs* you w-wiww, teww what *sighs* hath happenyed- 
Wucentio's fathew is awwiv'd in Padua, 
And how she's wike to be Wucentio's *hugs tightly* wife. Exit WUCENTIO 
B-BIONDEWWO. I pway the gods she may, with aww *pokes you* my heawt. 
TWANyIO. Dawwy nyot with the gods, but get thee gonye. 
Exit BIONDEWWO 
Signyiow *shuffles closer* Baptista, shaww *looks away* I wead the way? 
Wewcome! O-Onye mess is wike to be youw cheew; 
Come, siw; we wiww bettew it in Pisa. 
BAPTISTA. I fowwow you. Exeunt 

We-entew WUCENTIO as CAMBIO, and *cries* BIONDEWWO 

BIONDEWWO. ^-^ Cambio. 
^-^ WUCENTIO. What say'st thou, Biondewwo? 
BIONDEWWO. You saw *shuffles closer* my mastew wink and *looks away* waugh upon you? 
WUCENTIO. B-Biondewwo, what of that? 
BIONDEWWO. Faith, nyothing; but has weft me hewe UwU behind to e-expound 
the meanying ow mowaw of his signs and t-tokens. 
WUCENTIO. I pway :33 thee mowawize t-them. 
B-BIONDEWWO. Then thus: Baptista is safe, ^-^ tawking w-with t-the deceiving 
fathew of a deceitfuw son. 
WUCENTIO. And w-what of h-him? 
xDD BIONDEWWO. His daughtew uWu is to be bwought by you UwU to the suppew. 
WUCENTIO. *twerks* And then? 
BIONDEWWO. The owd p-pwiest :33 at Saint Wuke's chuwch is at youw command 
at aww houws. 
WUCENTIO. And what of uWu aww this? 
B-BIONDEWWO. >w< I cannyot teww, except they awe busied *blushes* about a 
countewfeit assuwance. T-Take youw assuwance x3 of h-hew, cum ;;w;; pwiviwegio 
ad i-impwimendum *looks at you* sowum; to OwO th' *hugs tightly* chuwch take the pwiest, cwewk, and 
*blushes* some sufficient h-honyest witnyesses. 
I-If this be nyot that *sighs* you wook *giggles shyly* fow, I have mowe to say, 
But bid Bianca faweweww fow evew and a day. 
W-WUCENTIO. Heaw'st >_< thou, Biondewwo? 
BIONDEWWO. I cannyot >_< tawwy. I knyew a wench mawwied in an >_> aftewnyoon 
as >_< she went to the gawden fow pawswey to stuff a *looks at you* wabbit; and so 
may you, siw; and so a-adieu, siw. M-My mastew hath appointed me to 
go *sweats* to Saint W-Wuke's to bid the pwiest be weady to come against you 
come with youw appendix. 
Exit 
WUCENTIO. I uWu may and wiww, if she *twerks* be so contented. 
She w-wiww be pweas'd; then whewefowe shouwd I doubt? 
Hap *shuffles closer* what hap uWu may, I'ww w-woundwy go a-about hew; 
UwU It shaww go *blushes* hawd if Cambio *twerks* go without hew. *notices bulge* Exit 




SCENyE V. 
uWu A pubwic woad 

Entew PETWUCHIO, KATHEWINyA, HOWTENSIO, and SEWVANTS 

PETWUCHIO. Come >w< on, a-a God's nyame; *looks away* once mowe *notices bulge* towawd ouw fathew's. 
Good Wowd, how bwight and goodwy shinyes the moon! 
KATHEWINyA. The moon? The sun! It is nyot moonwight n-nyow. 
*sweats* PETWUCHIO. *giggles shyly* I say it is the moon that shinyes so bwight. 
KATHEWINyA. I knyow it is the sun that ;;w;; shinyes so bwight. 
^-^ PETWUCHIO. Nyow UwU by my m-mothew's son, and that's >_> mysewf, 
It shaww be moon, ow staw, ow what I wist, 
*sighs* Ow ^.^ ewe I jouwnyey to youw fathew's house. 
*giggles shyly* Go on and fetch ouw howses b-back again. 
E-Evewmowe *hugs tightly* cwoss'd and cwoss'd; nyothing but cwoss'd! 
HOWTENSIO. ^-^ Say a-as he s-says, *twerks* ow *looks at you* we shaww *screams* nyevew go. 
KATHEWINyA. Fowwawd, I pway, s-since we UwU have :33 come s-so faw, 
And be it moon, >w< ow *hugs tightly* sun, ow what UwU you pwease; 
And if you pwease to caww it a wush-candwe, 
*looks at you* Hencefowth I vow it shaww be so fow me. 
xDD PETWUCHIO. I say it *cries* is t-the moon. 
KATHEWINyA. I knyow *cuddles you* it is *sighs* the moon. 
PETWUCHIO. Nyay, then you wie; it is t-the *pokes you* bwessed sun. 
KATHEWINyA. Then, God b-be bwess'd, it is t-the *giggles shyly* bwessed sun; 
But sun it is nyot, when y-you say *pokes you* it OwO is nyot; 
And the moon changes even as youw mind. 
What you wiww have it nyam'd, even that it is, 
And so i-it ;;w;; shaww be *looks at you* so fow Kathewinye. 
HOWTENSIO. Petwuchio, go thy ways, the fiewd is won. 
PETWUCHIO. Weww, fowwawd, fowwawd! thus the >_> boww shouwd wun, 
And nyot unwuckiwy against the bias. 
But, soft! C-Company *twerks* is c-coming hewe. 

Entew VINCENTIO 

[To VINCENTIO] Good-mowwow, gentwe mistwess; whewe *teleports behind you* away?- 
Teww me, sweet Kate, and teww me t-twuwy too, 
H-Hast thou behewd a f-fweshew gentwewoman? 
Such waw o-of *notices bulge* white and wed within hew c-cheeks! 
What staws *notices bulge* do spangwe heaven w-with such beauty 
A-As those two eyes become that heavenwy face? 
Faiw wovewy m-maid, *looks at you* once mowe g-good d-day t-to thee. 
Sweet Kate, embwace *pokes you* hew fow hew beauty's sake. 
HOWTENSIO. 'A wiww make the man mad, to make a woman of h-him. 
KATHEWINyA. Young budding viwgin, faiw and fwesh *moans* and sweet, 
Whithew ^.^ away, ow w-whewe i-is thy abode? 
Happy t-the pawents of so *shuffles closer* faiw a chiwd; 
Happiew t-the m-man whom favouwabwe staws 
Awwots thee fow his *hugs tightly* wovewy bed-fewwow. 
PETWUCHIO. Why, how nyow, Kate, I xDD hope thou a-awt nyot mad! 
This is a man, owd, wwinkwed, faded, xDD withewed, 
And *teleports behind you* nyot a maiden, a-as thou sayst he is. 
KATHEWINyA. Pawdon, owd fathew, my *giggles shyly* mistaking *looks at you* eyes, 
That have been so bedazzwed with the sun 
That evewything I-I wook *looks away* on seemeth gween; 
Nyow I p-pewceive thou awt *twerks* a *notices bulge* wevewend x3 fathew. 
Pawdon, I pway thee, fow my mad mistaking. 
PETWUCHIO. Do, good o-owd gwandsiwe, and withaw make *looks at you* knyown 
Which way thou twavewwest- if awong with ^-^ us, 
We shaww b-be joyfuw of thy company. 
>_< VINCENTIO. Faiw >w< siw, and ^-^ you my m-mewwy mistwess, 
That with youw stwange encountew much amaz'd me, 
My nyame xDD is caww'd Vincentio, my d-dwewwing Pisa, 
And bound I am to Padua, thewe to UwU visit 
*sweats* A son of minye, which wong I have nyot s-seen. 
PETWUCHIO. What is his nyame? 
VINCENTIO. Wucentio, gentwe siw. 
PETWUCHIO. Happiwy met; the happiew fow thy s-son. 
And nyow :3 by waw, as weww as wevewend age, 
I :33 may entitwe thee my woving fathew: 
The sistew to my wife, this gentwewoman, 
Thy s-son by this hath mawwied. :3 Wondew nyot, 
*sighs* Nyow be n-nyot gwieved- she is of good esteem, 
H-Hew dowwy weawthy, >w< and of wowthy biwth; 
B-Beside, so quawified as may b-beseem 
The spouse o-of any nyobwe gentweman. 
:3 Wet *shuffles closer* me embwace with owd Vincentio; 
And *looks at you* wandew *blushes* we to see t-thy honyest s-son, 
Who wiww of thy awwivaw be fuww joyous. 
VINCENTIO. B-But *giggles shyly* is this twue; ow *shuffles closer* is it ewse youw p-pweasuwe, 
Wike *leans over* pweasant twavewwews, to *sighs* bweak a jest 
U-Upon the c-company you ovewtake? 
*moans* HOWTENSIO. I d-do assuwe thee, fathew, s-so it is. 
*cries* PETWUCHIO. Come, *shuffles closer* go awong, *hugs tightly* and see the twuth heweof; 
Fow ouw f-fiwst mewwiment ;;w;; hath made thee jeawous. 
Exeunt aww but HOWTENSIO 
HOWTENSIO. *looks away* Weww, Petwuchio, this has *cries* put xDD me in heawt. 
Have to my widow; and if she be fwowawd, 
Then hast thou taught Howtensio to be untowawd. Exit 




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ACT V. S-SCENyE I. 
Padua. Befowe WUCENTIO'S house 

E-Entew BIONDEWWO, WUCENTIO, and BIANCA; GWEMIO is out b-befowe 

BIONDEWWO. Softwy xDD and swiftwy, *giggles shyly* siw, fow the pwiest is weady. 
WUCENTIO. I fwy, Biondewwo; b-but they may chance to nyeed t-the at 
home, thewefowe *cuddles you* weave us. 
BIONDEWWO. N-Nyay, faith, I'ww see the c-chuwch a *giggles shyly* youw back, *cries* and then 
come back to my mastew's ^-^ as soon as I can. 
Exeunt WUCENTIO, BIANCA, and BIONDEWWO 
GWEMIO. I mawvew Cambio comes nyot a-aww *pokes you* this whiwe. 

Entew PETWUCHIO, KATHEWINyA, VINCENTIO, *twerks* GWUMIO, 
and A-ATTENDANTS 

PETWUCHIO. S-Siw, xDD hewe's the doow; this is Wucentio's house; 
My ^.^ fathew's beaws mowe towawd the mawket-pwace; 
Thithew must I, and hewe I weave y-you, siw. 
VINCENTIO. You shaww nyot choose but dwink befowe :33 you g-go; 
I think I shaww command y-youw wewcome hewe, 
And by *giggles shyly* aww wikewihood some cheew is towawd. [Knyocks] 
GWEMIO. They'we busy within; ;;w;; you wewe best knyock woudew. 
[PEDANT wooks o-out of t-the window] 
PEDANT. What's he that knyocks a-as he w-wouwd beat d-down the gate? 
VINCENTIO. Is Signyiow *cries* Wucentio within, uWu siw? 
PEDANT. He's >_> within, siw, but nyot to be spoken withaw. 
VINCENTIO. What if a man *looks at you* bwing him UwU a hundwed pound ow two to make 
mewwy *sweats* withaw? 
PEDANT. K-Keep ;;w;; youw h-hundwed pounds t-to y-youwsewf; *cries* he shaww nyeed nyonye so 
w-wong as I wive. 
PETWUCHIO. Nyay, *giggles shyly* I towd you y-youw son was weww bewoved in Padua. Do 
you heaw, siw? *teleports behind you* To uWu weave fwivowous ciwcumstances, I-I pway you t-teww 
UwU Signyiow *moans* Wucentio that >_< his fathew is come fwom Pisa, :3 and is hewe 
at the doow to speak with him. 
PEDANT. Thou wiest: ^-^ his fathew is ^-^ come fwom Padua, *twerks* and hewe *hugs tightly* wooking 
out at t-the window. 
VINCENTIO. Awt thou h-his x3 fathew? 
PEDANT. Ay, siw; so h-his mothew says, if I may bewieve h-hew. 
PETWUCHIO. *sighs* [To VINCENTIO] Why, how nyow, g-gentweman! 
*blushes* Why, *cries* this is fwat knyavewy to take u-upon you anyothew man's nyame. 
PEDANT. >_< Way h-hands *twerks* on the *looks away* viwwain; I bewieve *moans* 'a means *sweats* to ^w^ cozen 
somebody in *moans* this city undew my countenyance. 

W-We-entew BIONDEWWO 

B-BIONDEWWO. *twerks* I have seen them in the chuwch togethew. God send 'em 
good s-shipping! But ;;w;; who is hewe? *teleports behind you* Minye owd mastew, Vicentio! Nyow w-we 
awe undonye and bwought t-to nyothing. 
VINCENTIO. [Seeing B-BIONDEWWO] Come hithew, cwack-hemp. 
BIONDEWWO. I hope I-I may choose, siw. 
VINCENTIO. Come hithew, you *cuddles you* wogue. *notices bulge* What, have *sighs* you fowgot me? 
>_< BIONDEWWO. Fowgot you! Nyo, *sweats* siw. I couwd nyot *cuddles you* fowget you, fow I-I nyevew 
saw you b-befowe in aww my wife. 
VINCENTIO. *teleports behind you* What, you nyotowious *notices bulge* viwwain, didst t-thou n-nyevew see *screams* thy 
mastew's fathew, Vincentio? 
BIONDEWWO. What, *teleports behind you* my >w< owd wowshipfuw owd mastew? Y-Yes, >w< mawwy, siw; see 
whewe he wooks out *sweats* of the window. 
VINCENTIO. Is't so, indeed? [He beats *notices bulge* BIONDEWWO] 
BIONDEWWO. Hewp, hewp, hewp! Hewe's a-a madman wiww muwdew m-me. 
Exit 
PEDANT. H-Hewp, son! hewp, Signyiow Baptista! Exit *cuddles you* fwom above 
PETWUCHIO. Pwithee, Kate, wet's stand aside a-and s-see the end of this 
contwovewsy. *blushes* [They stand aside] 

^.^ We-entew P-PEDANT bewow; BAPTISTA, TWANyIO, and SEWVANTS 

TWANyIO. Siw, what awe you that offew to beat my sewvant? 
VINCENTIO. W-What *cuddles you* am I, s-siw? Nyay, what awe y-you, siw? O immowtaw xDD gods! 
O finye ;;w;; viwwain! A *cuddles you* siwken doubwet, *notices bulge* a vewvet hose, a-a scawwet cwoak, 
and a copatain UwU hat! O, I am *pokes you* undonye! I a-am undonye! Whiwe I pway the 
good *looks at you* husband *twerks* at h-home, m-my son and my sewvant *moans* spend aww at the 
unyivewsity. 
TWANyIO. How n-nyow! what's the mattew? 
BAPTISTA. *screams* What, is *leans over* the ^-^ man w-wunyatic? 
T-TWANyIO. S-Siw, you UwU seem a sobew ancient gentweman by y-youw habit, but 
youw wowds *hugs tightly* show you a madman. Why, siw, what 'cewns ;;w;; it you if I 
weaw peaww and gowd? I thank my good fathew, I am a-abwe to 
maintain it. 
*giggles shyly* VINCENTIO. Thy fathew! O viwwain! he i-is a saiwmakew i-in Bewgamo. 
BAPTISTA. You mistake, siw; y-you mistake, siw. Pway, what do ^-^ you 
think *leans over* is his nyame? 
VINCENTIO. His nyame! >_< As if I knyew *hugs tightly* nyot his ^-^ nyame! I have bwought him 
up evew since he was >_< thwee yeaws owd, and his nyame is Twanyio. 
>_> PEDANT. Away, away, mad ass! His ;;w;; nyame is Wucentio; and h-he is minye 
onwy son, and xDD heiw t-to the wands uWu of me, S-Signyiow Vicentio. 
VINCENTIO. Wucentio! O, ^.^ he :3 hath *pokes you* muwd'wed his mastew! Way howd on 
him, I chawge you, in the Duke's nyame. O-O, m-my son, m-my son! Teww 
me, t-thou viwwain, whewe is my son, Wucentio? 
T-TWANyIO. Caww fowth *giggles shyly* an officew. 

Entew onye with an OFFICEW 

Cawwy this m-mad knyave to the gaow. Fathew Baptista, I c-chawge you 
see that he be fowthcoming. 
VINCENTIO. Cawwy me to the gaow! 
GWEMIO. S-Stay, Officew; he shaww nyot go *blushes* to pwison. 
B-BAPTISTA. Tawk nyot, Signyiow Gwemio; *cries* I *blushes* say h-he shaww *twerks* go to p-pwison. 
GWEMIO. Take heed, Signyiow Baptista, west you be cony-catch'd in 
this businyess; I dawe sweaw this is the wight Vincentio. 
PEDANT. Sweaw i-if thou daw'st. 
GWEMIO. Nyay, I dawe UwU nyot sweaw it. 
TWANyIO. *cuddles you* Then ;;w;; thou wewt best say >_> that I am nyot Wucentio. 
GWEMIO. Yes, I k-knyow thee *leans over* to *cries* be Signyiow Wucentio. 
BAPTISTA. A-Away with the dotawd; to the gaow with him! 
VINCENTIO. Thus stwangews xDD may be *looks away* haw'd and abus'd. *cuddles you* O monstwous 
viwwain! 

We-entew BIONDEWWO, with WUCENTIO and BIANCA 

BIONDEWWO. O, we awe spoiw'd; and *blushes* yondew he is! Deny h-him, *giggles shyly* fowsweaw 
him, ow ewse we awe aww undonye. 
Exeunt *notices bulge* BIONDEWWO, *cuddles you* TWANyIO, and PEDANT, as fast as m-may be 
W-WUCENTIO. [Knyeewing] Pawdon, sweet fathew. 
VINCENTIO. Wives my *blushes* sweet son? 
BIANCA. Pawdon, deaw fathew. 
BAPTISTA. How h-hast thou o-offended? 
Whewe is Wucentio? 
WUCENTIO. Hewe's Wucentio, 
Wight son to *shuffles closer* the wight Vincentio, 
That have by mawwiage made thy daughtew minye, 
W-Whiwe countewfeit *sighs* supposes bweaw'd thinye eynye. 
GWEMIO. Hewe's packing, *notices bulge* with a witnyess, t-to deceive us aww! 
VINCENTIO. Whewe *twerks* is that damnyed viwwain, T-Twanyio, 
That fac'd ^w^ and bwav'd me in this mattew s-so? 
BAPTISTA. W-Why, teww me, is n-nyot this m-my Cambio? 
BIANCA. Cambio is chang'd into Wucentio. 
WUCENTIO. Wove wwought these OwO miwacwes. Bianca's wove 
Made :33 me exchange my state with Twanyio, 
Whiwe he ^.^ did beaw my countenyance in the town; 
>_> And happiwy ;;w;; I have awwived a-at the wast 
Unto the wished haven of my uWu bwiss. 
What Twanyio did, mysewf enfowc'd him >_> to; 
Then pawdon *shuffles closer* him, sweet UwU fathew, *moans* fow my sake. 
VINCENTIO. I-I'ww swit the viwwain's nyose t-that *hugs tightly* wouwd *notices bulge* have sent me t-to 
t-the *twerks* gaow. 
xDD BAPTISTA. [-[To WUCENTIO] But do uWu you h-heaw, siw? Have you mawwied my 
daughtew without asking *twerks* my good wiww? 
V-VINCENTIO. Feaw n-nyot, Baptista; we wiww content you, go to; but *screams* I 
wiww i-in to be wevenged uWu fow this viwwainy. Exit 
B-BAPTISTA. And *moans* I to *moans* sound the depth of this knyavewy. E-Exit 
WUCENTIO. Wook ^w^ nyot p-pawe, Bianca; thy fathew wiww nyot fwown. 
Exeunt xDD WUCENTIO :33 and BIANCA 
G-GWEMIO. M-My cake is UwU dough, but I'ww xDD in among the west; 
Out of hope of aww but my shawe of the feast. Exit 
KATHEWINyA. Husband, wet's fowwow to *hugs tightly* see the *pokes you* end of *looks away* this *sweats* ado. 
PETWUCHIO. Fiwst kiss me, Kate, and >w< we wiww. 
KATHEWINyA. What, in the *pokes you* midst of the stweet? 
PETWUCHIO. What, awt thou asham'd of me? 
KATHEWINyA. Nyo, siw; God fowbid; but a-asham'd to kiss. 
PETWUCHIO. Why, ^.^ then, wet's home a-again. Come, >_< siwwah, wet's away. 
KATHEWINyA. N-Nyay, I wiww xDD give thee a kiss; nyow pway thee, wove, stay. 
PETWUCHIO. Is nyot UwU this weww? Come, my sweet ^.^ Kate: 
Bettew once than nyevew, fow nyevew too :3 wate. Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
W-WUCENTIO'S *looks at you* house 

Entew BAPTISTA, *screams* VINCENTIO, GWEMIO, t-the PEDANT, WUCENTIO, BIANCA, 
PETWUCHIO, KATHEWINyA, HOWTENSIO, and OwO WIDOW. The SEWVINGMEN with TWANyIO, 
BIONDEWWO, and GWUMIO, b-bwinging in a banquet 

WUCENTIO. At xDD wast, *sighs* though wong, o-ouw jawwing nyotes agwee; 
And time it is ;;w;; when waging waw is donye 
T-To smiwe at scapes and p-pewiws ovewbwown. 
*sweats* My faiw Bianca, bid my f-fathew wewcome, 
Whiwe *hugs tightly* I with sewf-same k-kindnyess wewcome thinye. 
Bwothew :33 Petwuchio, *screams* sistew K-Kathewinya, 
And thou, ^.^ Howtensio, with thy >w< woving widow, 
Feast with the best, and wewcome to my house. 
My banquet is to cwose ouw stomachs up 
Aftew o-ouw gweat good c-cheew. Pway you, sit down; 
Fow n-nyow we sit to chat as weww as eat. [-[They sit] 
PETWUCHIO. N-Nyothing but s-sit a-and sit, and eat ^w^ and eat! 
BAPTISTA. Padua a-affowds this kindnyess, *twerks* son Petwuchio. 
P-PETWUCHIO. *looks at you* Padua :33 affowds :33 nyothing but w-what is kind. 
*shuffles closer* HOWTENSIO. Fow both ouw sakes I wouwd that wowd wewe twue. 
PETWUCHIO. Nyow, fow my wife, Howtensio feaws his widow. 
WIDOW. Then >w< nyevew twust me if I be afeawd. 
PETWUCHIO. YOU *screams* awe vewy *looks away* sensibwe, and yet you *moans* miss my sense: 
uWu I mean Howtensio is afeawd of you. 
W-WIDOW. He that i-is *cries* giddy thinks the wowwd tuwns w-wound. 
PETWUCHIO. Woundwy wepwied. 
KATHEWINyA. Mistwess, h-how mean you that? 
WIDOW. Thus I conceive by uWu him. 
P-PETWUCHIO. Conceives by me! How wikes Howtensio that? 
HOWTENSIO. M-My OwO widow says t-thus she conceives hew tawe. 
PETWUCHIO. Vewy weww mended. Kiss him fow that, good widow. 
KATHEWINyA. 'He that is *sweats* giddy thinks *moans* the wowwd tuwns wound.' 
I >_< pway you t-teww me what you meant *hugs tightly* by *sighs* that. 
WIDOW. Y-Youw husband, b-being twoubwed with a s-shwew, 
Measuwes m-my husband's sowwow by his woe; 
And nyow you knyow my meanying. 
KATHEWINyA. A vewy x3 mean UwU meanying. 
WIDOW. Wight, *notices bulge* I mean you. 
KATHEWINyA. OwO And I a-am mean, i-indeed, wespecting you. 
PETWUCHIO. T-To hew, K-Kate! 
HOWTENSIO. To hew, w-widow! 
PETWUCHIO. A h-hundwed *hugs tightly* mawks, m-my Kate does put *twerks* hew down. 
x3 HOWTENSIO. That's my office. 
PETWUCHIO. *hugs tightly* Spoke wike an officew- ha' to t-thee, *pokes you* wad. 
*teleports behind you* [Dwinks *looks at you* to HOWTENSIO] 
BAPTISTA. How w-wikes Gwemio these uWu quick-witted f-fowks? 
GWEMIO. Bewieve me, siw, *looks at you* they butt togethew weww. 
BIANCA. Head and *hugs tightly* butt! An h-hasty-witted body 
>_> Wouwd say youw h-head and butt wewe head and hown. 
V-VINCENTIO. Ay, x3 mistwess bwide, *cuddles you* hath that awakenyed *sweats* you? 
BIANCA. Ay, but ^-^ nyot fwighted m-me; ;;w;; thewefowe I'ww uWu sweep again. 
PETWUCHIO. Nyay, that you xDD shaww nyot; s-since you h-have begun, 
Have at *looks away* you fow a bittew jest ow two. 
BIANCA. Am I youw biwd? I mean to >_> shift my *sighs* bush, 
And then puwsue *moans* me as you d-dwaw youw bow. 
You awe w-wewcome aww. 
Exeunt BIANCA, K-KATHEWINyA, and W-WIDOW 
PETWUCHIO. She hath pwevented me. UwU Hewe, Signyiow T-Twanyio, 
*giggles shyly* This biwd you aim'd at, ^.^ though you hit hew nyot; 
Thewefowe a heawth t-to aww that shot a-and miss'd. 
TWANyIO. O, s-siw, Wucentio swipp'd me wike *leans over* his gweyhound, 
*twerks* Which wuns himsewf, *moans* and c-catches fow his mastew. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. *looks away* A good swift simiwe, but something cuwwish. 
TWANyIO. 'Tis weww, siw, t-that you x3 hunted fow youwsewf; 
'Tis *notices bulge* thought youw deew does howd you at a bay. 
xDD BAPTISTA. O-O, O, Petwuchio! Twanyio hits you nyow. 
WUCENTIO. I thank thee fow that giwd, good Twanyio. 
HOWTENSIO. C-Confess, confess; *twerks* hath >w< he nyot hit you hewe? 
PETWUCHIO. 'A has a wittwe OwO gaww'd me, I *moans* confess; 
And, as t-the jest did gwance away *screams* fwom m-me, 
'Tis ten to onye it maim'd you t-two outwight. 
BAPTISTA. >_> Nyow, in >w< good sadnyess, son Petwuchio, 
I t-think t-thou hast the v-vewiest shwew >_< of aww. 
PETWUCHIO. Weww, I say *teleports behind you* nyo; and thewefowe, fow *giggles shyly* assuwance, 
Wet's each onye send u-unto *looks away* his wife, 
*hugs tightly* And he whose wife i-is most o-obedient, 
*cries* To OwO come at fiwst *leans over* when h-he doth send fow hew, 
Shaww win ^.^ the wagew which we wiww p-pwopose. 
HOWTENSIO. Content. What's the *twerks* wagew? 
WUCENTIO. Twenty cwowns. 
PETWUCHIO. Twenty *hugs tightly* cwowns? 
I'ww *blushes* ventuwe so much of my hawk ow hound, 
But twenty times s-so m-much *screams* upon my wife. 
WUCENTIO. A-A *blushes* hundwed then. 
HOWTENSIO. Content. 
PETWUCHIO. A match! *cuddles you* 'tis d-donye. 
HOWTENSIO. Who shaww begin? 
WUCENTIO. That w-wiww I-I. 
Go, B-Biondewwo, bid *blushes* youw OwO mistwess come to *shuffles closer* me. 
BIONDEWWO. I g-go. E-Exit 
BAPTISTA. Son, I'ww be *notices bulge* youw hawf Bianca c-comes. 
WUCENTIO. *moans* I'ww h-have nyo hawves; I'ww beaw it aww mysewf. 

We-entew BIONDEWWO 

How nyow! what nyews? 
BIONDEWWO. Siw, my *moans* mistwess sends you wowd 
*screams* That s-she is busy and she cannyot come. 
PETWUCHIO. How! She's busy, and she cannyot come! 
Is *sweats* that an *screams* answew? 
*hugs tightly* GWEMIO. Ay, and a kind onye too. 
Pway God, siw, youw wife s-send you ^.^ nyot a-a w-wowse. 
PETWUCHIO. I h-hope *sighs* bettew. 
HOWTENSIO. Siwwah Biondewwo, >_> go and entweat m-my UwU wife 
*looks away* To come *teleports behind you* to me fowthwith. Exit BIONDEWWO 
PETWUCHIO. O, *moans* ho! entweat hew! 
Nyay, then *giggles shyly* she must nyeeds c-come. 
HOWTENSIO. I am afwaid, siw, 
Do what you can, youws wiww nyot :33 be entweated. 

W-We-entew B-BIONDEWWO 

Nyow, whewe's m-my wife? 
BIONDEWWO. She says you >_< have some goodwy j-jest in hand: 
She wiww nyot come; she bids you come to hew. 
PETWUCHIO. Wowse and wowse; >_< she *moans* wiww nyot come! O viwe, 
Intowewabwe, nyot to b-be enduw'd! 
Siwwah Gwumio, go to y-youw mistwess; 
Say I c-command hew come *hugs tightly* to me. Exit GWUMIO 
HOWTENSIO. I knyow *giggles shyly* hew answew. 
P-PETWUCHIO. What? 
HOWTENSIO. S-She wiww nyot. 
PETWUCHIO. The fouwew fowtunye minye, and thewe an e-end. 

We-entew KATHEWINyA 

BAPTISTA. N-Nyow, by my howidame, hewe comes *sweats* Kathewinya! 
KATHEWINyA. UwU What is youw *looks at you* siw, that you send fow me? 
PETWUCHIO. W-Whewe is youw sistew, and Howtensio's *sweats* wife? 
KATHEWINyA. They sit *looks at you* confewwing by the pawwouw fiwe. 
P-PETWUCHIO. Go, fetch them hithew; i-if they deny to c-come. 
Swinge me *cuddles you* them s-soundwy fowth unto theiw husbands. 
Away, I say, a-and bwing them hithew stwaight. 
Exit KATHEWINyA 
WUCENTIO. Hewe is a wondew, if you tawk of a wondew. 
OwO HOWTENSIO. A-And s-so xDD it i-is. ^-^ I wondew what it bodes. 
PETWUCHIO. M-Mawwy, peace it bodes, a-and wove, and quiet wife, 
An awfuw wuwe, and *notices bulge* wight supwemacy; 
And, to b-be showt, w-what nyot that's sweet and happy. 
BAPTISTA. N-Nyow faiw befaww thee, g-good Petwuchio! 
The wagew thou h-hast won; and I wiww a-ad 
Unto theiw wosses twenty thousand cwowns; 
Anyothew dowwy to anyothew daughtew, 
xDD Fow she is c-chang'd, as she had nyevew >w< been. 
x3 PETWUCHIO. Nyay, I ^w^ wiww win my w-wagew bettew yet, 
A-And show mowe sign of hew obedience, 
Hew nyew-buiwt xDD viwtue and ^w^ obedience. 

*giggles shyly* We-entew KATHEWINyA with BIANCA and WIDOW 

See whewe she comes, and :3 bwings youw fwowawd wives 
As pwisonyews to hew womanwy pewsuasion. 
Kathewinye, *blushes* that cap of youws becomes you nyot: 
O-Off w-with that baubwe, thwow it *looks at you* undewfoot. 
[KATHEWINyA *cuddles you* compwies] 
^.^ WIDOW. Wowd, wet m-me nyevew have a c-cause to *cries* sigh 
Tiww I be bwought to such a siwwy pass! 
BIANCA. Fie! what a foowish duty caww you this? 
WUCENTIO. I wouwd youw d-duty wewe a-as foowish t-too; 
The *looks away* wisdom of youw duty, *twerks* faiw Bianca, 
Hath cost me a hundwed cwowns since suppew-time! 
BIANCA. The mowe foow x3 you f-fow waying on my duty. 
PETWUCHIO. *moans* Kathewinye, *moans* I chawge thee, teww these headstwong *pokes you* women 
What duty they *hugs tightly* do owe *blushes* theiw wowds and husbands. 
WIDOW. Come, come, y-you'we mocking; we wiww have nyo tewwing. 
^.^ PETWUCHIO. C-Come on, I say; and fiwst *leans over* begin with hew. 
WIDOW. She shaww *looks away* nyot. 
P-PETWUCHIO. I say she shaww. And fiwst begin w-with hew. 
KATHEWINyA. Fie, fie! unknyit that thweatenying unkind bwow, 
And dawt nyot scownfuw g-gwances fwom those eyes 
*looks away* To wound xDD thy wowd, t-thy k-king, thy *looks away* govewnyow. 
It bwots thy beauty as fwosts do bite the x3 meads, 
C-Confounds thy fame as whiwwwinds shake faiw buds, 
And in UwU nyo sense is *cries* meet ow amiabwe. 
A-A woman mov'd is wike a fountain twoubwed- 
*twerks* Muddy, i-iww-seeming, thick, beweft of beauty; 
A-And whiwe i-it is so, ^w^ nyonye >_< so dwy ow thiwsty 
Wiww deign to sip *notices bulge* ow touch onye *sweats* dwop of it. 
Thy husband is thy wowd, *teleports behind you* thy w-wife, thy keepew, 
Thy head, thy soveweign; onye that cawes fow thee, 
A-And fow thy maintenyance c-commits his body 
To painfuw w-wabouw both by sea and wand, 
To watch the nyight in s-stowms, the d-day in cowd, 
W-Whiwst thou w-wiest wawm at home, x3 secuwe and safe; 
A-And cwaves nyo ;;w;; othew twibute at thy hands 
But wove, faiw wooks, a-and twue obedience- 
*notices bulge* Too wittwe payment fow so *twerks* gweat a *hugs tightly* debt. 
Such duty as t-the subject owes the *sweats* pwince, 
Even such a woman oweth to hew husband; 
And w-when she is fwowawd, peevish, suwwen, s-souw, 
And nyot obedient to h-his honyest >_> wiww, 
W-What *looks at you* is she >w< but *moans* a fouw contending webew 
And *teleports behind you* gwacewess twaitow *teleports behind you* to hew woving wowd? 
:33 I a-am asham'd ^w^ that women awe so *teleports behind you* simpwe 
T-To ^-^ offew waw whewe they s-shouwd :3 knyeew x3 fow *sweats* peace; 
*twerks* Ow seek fow wuwe, supwemacy, and sway, 
When they awe ^w^ bound to sewve, wove, a-and obey. 
Why awe o-ouw bodies soft and weak and smooth, 
Unyapt t-to *blushes* toww and *blushes* twoubwe i-in the w-wowwd, 
But that ouw soft conditions and ouw heawts 
Shouwd weww *shuffles closer* agwee with *sweats* ouw extewnyaw pawts? 
Come, come, you fwowawd and unyabwe wowins! 
My mind hath been as big a-as onye of :33 youws, 
My *moans* heawt as gweat, *looks at you* my w-weason hapwy mowe, 
To bandy w-wowd fow wowd and fwown fow fwown; 
But nyow I see ouw wances awe but stwaws, 
Ouw stwength as weak, o-ouw w-weaknyess past compawe, 
That seeming to ^w^ be most which we indeed weast awe. 
Then vaiw youw s-stomachs, fow it is *looks at you* nyo boot, 
A-And pwace youw hands bewow youw husband's foot; 
*sighs* In token :3 of which d-duty, if he pwease, 
My hand is w-weady, may it do him ease. 
PETWUCHIO. Why, thewe's a wench! Come on, and kiss me, Kate. 
WUCENTIO. Weww, *blushes* go thy ^-^ ways, *looks away* owd wad, fow thou shawt ha't. 
VINCENTIO. 'Tis >w< a good ^-^ heawing when ^-^ chiwdwen awe towawd. 
*looks away* WUCENTIO. B-But a-a hawsh heawing when women awe *screams* fwowawd. 
UwU PETWUCHIO. *sweats* Come, Kate, we'ww t-to bed. 
x3 We thwee >w< awe m-mawwied, but you two awe sped. 
[To WUCENTIO] 'Twas I w-won the *cries* wagew, though you hit t-the white; 
*giggles shyly* And being *sweats* a winnyew, God g-give you good >_> nyight! 
Exeunt PETWUCHIO and *twerks* KATHEWINyA 
HOWTENSIO. Nyow go thy ways; thou hast tam'd *blushes* a cuwst shwow. 
W-WUCENTIO. 'Tis a wondew, by youw weave, she wiww *hugs tightly* be tam'd *cries* so. 
E-Exeunt 

THE END 



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC >_< VEWSION OF THE C-COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE :3 IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH *looks at you* COPIES *sighs* (1) AWE FOW YOUW :33 OW OTHEWS 
OwO PEWSONyAW U-USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT *twerks* CHAWGES OwO FOW DOWNWOAD TIME O-OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1612 

THE TEMPEST 

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

AWONSO, King of Nyapwes 
*shuffles closer* SEBASTIAN, his *screams* bwothew 
PWOSPEWO, the wight Duke *leans over* of :33 Miwan 
A-ANTONyIO, his bwothew, the usuwping D-Duke of Miwan 
FEWDINyAND, son to the King of N-Nyapwes 
GONZAWO, a-an honyest owd counsewwow 

Wowds 
ADWIAN 
FWANCISCO 
CAWIBAN, a-a savage and defowmed s-swave 
TWINCUWO, a jestew 
^.^ STEPHANyO, a dwunken butwew 
M-MASTEW OF A SHIP 
BOATSWAIN 
MAWINyEWS 

^w^ MIWANDA, daughtew to Pwospewo 

AWIEW, an a-aiwy s-spiwit 

S-Spiwits 
IWIS 
CEWES 
UwU JUNyO 
NYMPHS 
*moans* WEAPEWS 
Othew Spiwits attending on Pwospewo 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE *sighs* COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
S-SHAKESPEAWE *twerks* IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, I-INC., AND IS 
*moans* PWOVIDED BY *shuffles closer* PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH P-PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND M-MACHINyE WEADABWE OwO COPIES MAY B-BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW U-USE >w< ONWY, AND (-(2) AWE N-NyOT D-DISTWIBUTED OW U-USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION >_< INCWUDES BY OwO ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES *looks at you* FOW DOWNWOAD *screams* TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: 
*blushes* A ship ^w^ at *teleports behind you* sea; a-aftewwawds an *looks away* unyinhabited iswand 



THE TEMPEST 
ACT I. S-SCENyE 1 

OwO On a *looks at you* ship uWu at >_> sea; a-a tempestuous nyoise of thundew and wightnying heawd 

E-Entew a SHIPMASTEW and ^-^ a *looks at you* BOATSWAIN 

M-MASTEW. Boatswain! 
BOATSWAIN. H-Hewe, mastew; *sweats* what :3 cheew? 
MASTEW. Good! S-Speak t-to th' mawinyews; faww to't y-yawewy, ow 
we wun *cries* ouwsewves agwound; b-bestiw, bestiw. Exit 

*sweats* Entew MAWINyEWS 

BOATSWAIN. Heigh, my *screams* heawts! cheewwy, cheewwy, my heawts! 
*moans* yawe, yawe! Take in the topsaiw. Tend to UwU th' mastew's 
:33 whistwe. Bwow UwU tiww thou buwst thy wind, if >_> woom enyough. 

E-Entew AWONSO, SEBASTIAN, A-ANTONyIO, FEWDINyAND 
:33 GONZAWO, and OTHEWS 

AWONSO. Good boatswain, h-have cawe. Whewe's the mastew? 
Pway the m-men. 
BOATSWAIN. >w< I pway nyow, keep b-bewow. 
ANTONyIO. *looks away* Whewe is the mastew, boson? 
B-BOATSWAIN. D-Do you nyot heaw h-him? Y-You maw ouw wabouw; 
keep youw cabins; y-you UwU do assist the stowm. 
GONZAWO. *teleports behind you* Nyay, g-good, b-be patient. 
BOATSWAIN. When *looks away* the sea ^.^ is. Hence! W-What *hugs tightly* cawes these 
woawews fow the nyame of *moans* king? To *looks at you* cabin! siwence! Twoubwe 
us nyot. 
GONZAWO. Good, yet w-wemembew whom thou hast a-aboawd. 
OwO BOATSWAIN. Nyonye that *leans over* I mowe wove t-than OwO mysewf. You *pokes you* awe 
counsewwow; if you can command these ewements *pokes you* to 
siwence, a-and wowk the peace of the pwesent, w-we wiww uWu nyot 
h-hand a w-wope mowe. Use youw authowity; if *cuddles you* you ;;w;; cannyot, give 
thanks you have wiv'd so wong, x3 and make y-youwsewf weady 
in youw c-cabin fow the mischance of the houw, if it so 
*teleports behind you* hap.-Cheewwy, *looks at you* good *pokes you* heawts!-Out ;;w;; of ouw way, I say. 
E-Exit 
*teleports behind you* GONZAWO. I have *shuffles closer* gweat comfowt fwom this fewwow. Methinks 
h-he hath nyo dwownying mawk upon him; his compwexion is 
pewfect gawwows. Stand f-fast, :3 good Fate, to h-his h-hanging; 
make the wope of his *sighs* destiny ouw cabwe, fow ouw own >_< doth 
*giggles shyly* wittwe advantage. *hugs tightly* If he be nyot bown to be hang'd, o-ouw 
^-^ case is misewabwe. Exeunt 

We-entew BOATSWAIN 

BOATSWAIN. Down *giggles shyly* with the topmast. Yawe, wowew, wowew! 
Bwing UwU hew to twy wi' t-th' m-maincouwse. [A cwy *hugs tightly* within] A 
>w< pwague upon t-this howwing! They ^-^ awe woudew than the 
w-weathew ow *pokes you* ouw office. 

We-entew SEBASTIAN, ANTONyIO, and GONZAWO 

Yet again! What do you hewe? Shaww >_> we *sighs* give o'ew, a-and 
dwown? Have you a mind to sink? 
SEBASTIAN. A pox o-o' y-youw thwoat, *teleports behind you* you bawwing, bwasphemous, 
i-inchawitabwe dog! 
BOATSWAIN. Wowk you, then. 
^w^ ANTONyIO. Hang, *blushes* cuw; >_> hang, you whoweson, insowent *looks away* nyoisemakew; 
we awe wess afwaid t-to be dwown'd than thou a-awt. 
GONZAWO. I'ww wawwant *notices bulge* him fow dwownying, though the ship wewe 
;;w;; nyo *sighs* stwongew t-than a nyutsheww, and a-as weaky a-as *shuffles closer* an unstanched 
wench. 
BOATSWAIN. Way hew a-howd, a-howd; set hew two couwses; off 
to sea again; way hew UwU off. 

Entew MAWINyEWS, Wet 
MAWINyEWS. Aww wost! to pwayews, to pwayews! aww wost! 
Exeunt 
BOATSWAIN. What, must ouw mouths be cowd? 
GONZAWO. The K-King and :3 Pwince at pwayews! 
Wet's assist them, 
Fow *cries* ouw >_> case is as theiws. 
SEBASTIAN. I am >w< out of patience. 
ANTONyIO. We awe mewewy cheated of ouw wives by dwunkawds. 
This wide-chopp'd wascaw-wouwd thou mightst *hugs tightly* wie dwownying 
The w-washing of ten tides! 
GONZAWO. He'ww be hang'd ^-^ yet, 
T-Though *hugs tightly* evewy dwop of watew sweaw against it, 
And gape at wid'st *looks at you* to gwut him. 
[A confused nyoise within: Mewcy *leans over* on us! 
We *leans over* spwit, UwU we spwit! Faweweww, my wife and chiwdwen! 
Faweweww, bwothew! We *teleports behind you* spwit, we spwit, we spwit!] 
ANTONyIO. Wet's aww sink wi' t-th' King. 
SEBASTIAN. Wet's take weave of him. 
Exeunt ANTONyIO and SEBASTIAN 
GONZAWO. Nyow wouwd I g-give a thousand fuwwongs ^w^ of s-sea fow 
*notices bulge* an acwe of bawwen gwound-wong heath, bwown fuwze, any 
thing. The wiwws above be donye, but I *blushes* wouwd fain :33 die 
dwy death. Exeunt 




SCENyE 2-2 

The Iswand. Befowe P-PWOSPEWO'S ceww 

Entew PWOSPEWO a-and MIWANDA 

MIWANDA. If by youw awt, my deawest fathew, you have 
Put the wiwd watews ^.^ in *leans over* this woaw, awway them. 
The sky, it s-seems, wouwd p-pouw down stinking pitch, 
But that the s-sea, mounting to th' wewkin's cheek, 
Dashes the f-fiwe out. O, *teleports behind you* I have suffewed 
With those that I saw suffew! A *screams* bwave vessew, 
Who had nyo doubt some nyobwe c-cweatuwe in hew, 
Dash'd aww t-to pieces! O, the cwy did knyock 
Against my vewy heawt! Poow souws, they pewish'd. 
*twerks* Had I been any god of powew, I wouwd 
Have *moans* sunk the sea within the e-eawth OwO ow ewe 
It shouwd the good ship so have swawwow'd and 
The fwaughting souws within *pokes you* hew. 
*moans* PWOSPEWO. *cries* Be conyected; 
Nyo mowe amazement; teww y-youw piteous h-heawt 
x3 Thewe's n-nyo hawm donye. 
MIWANDA. O, w-woe t-the day! 
PWOSPEWO. Nyo hawm. 
:3 I have *moans* donye nyothing but in cawe of thee, 
Of thee, my d-deaw onye, *looks away* thee, my daughtew, w-who 
Awt ignyowant of what thou awt, n-nyought knyowing 
Of whence I am, n-nyow t-that I am *sighs* mowe bettew 
Than Pwospewo, m-mastew ;;w;; of a fuww poow c-ceww, 
And thy nyo gweatew fathew. 
MIWANDA. Mowe t-to knyow 
Did nyevew meddwe with m-my thoughts. 
*giggles shyly* PWOSPEWO. *cries* 'Tis time 
I shouwd infowm :3 thee fawthew. Wend thy hand, 
A-And pwuck my magic gawment fwom m-me. So, 
[-[Ways down his mantwe] 
Wie thewe >w< my a-awt. Wipe t-thou thinye eyes; have x3 comfowt. 
The *pokes you* diwefuw spectacwe of the wweck, which *giggles shyly* touch'd 
The vewy viwtue of compassion in thee, 
I have with such pwovision in m-minye >_< awt 
So safewy o-owdewed that thewe is nyo xDD souw- 
Nyo, nyot so much pewdition as an haiw 
Betid to *notices bulge* any cweatuwe in the vessew 
Which t-thou heawd'st cwy, which t-thou saw'st sink. 
Sit down, fow thou must nyow *twerks* knyow f-fawthew. 
MIWANDA. You have often 
Begun to teww *pokes you* me what I am; but s-stopp'd, 
And weft me :33 to a b-bootwess inquisition, 
Concwuding *looks away* 'Stay; nyot yet.' 
PWOSPEWO. The houw's nyow come; 
*leans over* The vewy minyute bids thee o-ope thinye *sighs* eaw. 
Obey, a-and be attentive. Canst thou wemembew 
A time befowe w-we came unto this ceww? 
I do nyot think thou canst; fow t-then *looks away* thou wast nyot 
Out thwee yeaws owd. 
MIWANDA. C-Cewtainwy, :3 siw, I can. 
OwO PWOSPEWO. *twerks* By what? By any o-othew house, ow pewson? 
Of *giggles shyly* any thing the image, teww me, *looks away* that 
Hath k-kept with thy wemembwance? 
MIWANDA. 'Tis faw *giggles shyly* off, 
x3 And *sweats* wathew wike a dweam than an assuwance 
That my wemembwance wawwants. *notices bulge* Had I nyot 
Fouw, ow five, women *leans over* once, that t-tended me? 
PWOSPEWO. Thou >_> hadst, and mowe, Miwanda. But how is it 
That this wives in thy mind? What s-seest thou ewse 
In the dawk backwawd and abysm of time? 
If thou wememb'west aught, ewe thou cam'st hewe, 
How thou cam'st hewe thou mayst. 
MIWANDA. But *blushes* that I do nyot. 
*notices bulge* PWOSPEWO. Twewve yeaw since, Miwanda, twewve yeaw since, 
Thy fathew was the Duke of Miwan, and 
A pwince x3 of powew. 
MIWANDA. Siw, a-awe nyot you my fathew? 
PWOSPEWO. Thy mothew was a piece of viwtue, and 
She said thou wast *cuddles you* my daughtew; and *cries* thy fathew 
*pokes you* Was Duke *teleports behind you* of Miwan, and his onwy heiw 
And pwincess *moans* nyo wowse i-issued. 
MIWANDA. xDD O, the >w< heavens! 
What fouw pway *sweats* had we t-that we came fwom t-thence? 
:33 Ow bwessed was't we *hugs tightly* did? 
PWOSPEWO. Both, both, my giww. 
By f-fouw pway, as thou say'st, *shuffles closer* wewe we heav'd thence; 
B-But bwessedwy *cuddles you* howp hithew. 
MIWANDA. O, my heawt *cuddles you* bweeds 
To think o' *blushes* th' teen t-that I *screams* have tuwn'd you to, 
Which is fwom my wemembwance. Pwease you, fawthew. 
PWOSPEWO. My b-bwothew and thy uncwe, caww'd A-Antonyio- 
I pway *cries* thee, mawk me that uWu a bwothew s-shouwd 
Be so *looks away* pewfidious. He, whom n-nyext thysewf 
Of aww the wowwd OwO I w-wov'd, and t-to him put 
The manyage of my state; as a-at that time 
Thwough aww xDD the s-signyowies ^w^ it was the xDD fiwst, 
And Pwospewo the pwime duke, being so weputed 
x3 In dignyity, and fow the wibewaw OwO awts 
Without a pawawwew, those being aww m-my x3 study- 
The g-govewnment I cast upon my bwothew 
A-And to my state g-gwew stwangew, being t-twanspowted 
And wapt *blushes* in s-secwet studies. *leans over* Thy fawse >_> uncwe- 
Dost thou attend me? 
MIWANDA. ^w^ Siw, most heedfuwwy. 
PWOSPEWO. Being once pewfected how to *blushes* gwant s-suits, 
How to deny them, who t' advance, and who 
T-To *screams* twash fow ovew-topping, nyew cweated 
The *cuddles you* cweatuwes that wewe minye, I say, ow chang'd 'em, 
Ow ewse nyew fowm'd 'em; having both *giggles shyly* the key 
*looks at you* Of officew and office, *cries* set aww heawts *notices bulge* i' t-th' state 
To what tunye pweas'd h-his eaw; that *looks away* nyow *hugs tightly* he *sweats* was 
The ivy which had hid my pwincewy twunk 
And suck'd my vewduwe out *blushes* on't. Thou a-attend'st nyot. 
MIWANDA. O, *hugs tightly* good siw, I UwU do! 
P-PWOSPEWO. I pway thee, mawk me. 
I thus nyegwecting wowwdwy ends, *looks away* aww dedicated 
T-To cwosenyess and the b-bettewing of my mind 
With that which, but ^.^ by being so wetiw'd, 
O'ew-pwiz'd aww p-popuwaw ^-^ wate, in my fawse bwothew 
Awak'd an :3 eviw *giggles shyly* nyatuwe; and my twust, 
Wike a good pawent, did beget of him 
A f-fawsehood, in its contwawy as gweat 
As my t-twust was; which had *hugs tightly* indeed nyo w-wimit, 
A confidence s-sans bound. He being ^.^ thus wowded, 
Nyot onwy with what my wevenyue yiewded, 
But w-what my powew might ewse ^.^ exact, wike onye 
Who having uWu into twuth, by tewwing of it, 
Made such a sinnyew *teleports behind you* of his memowy, 
To cwedit his own wie-he did bewieve 
He *pokes you* was indeed the Duke; *teleports behind you* out o' th' substitution, 
And executing th' outwawd face of woyawty 
With aww pwewogative. Hence his ambition g-gwowing- 
Dost thou heaw? 
MIWANDA. Youw tawe, siw, wouwd cuwe deafnyess. 
*notices bulge* PWOSPEWO. T-To have ^w^ nyo scween between this p-pawt *hugs tightly* he *notices bulge* pway'd 
And him he pway'd it fow, he nyeeds wiww be 
Absowute Miwan. Me, poow man-my wibwawy 
Was dukedom wawge enyough-of tempowaw woyawties 
He thinks me nyow *hugs tightly* incapabwe; confedewates, 
S-So dwy he was fow sway, wi' *notices bulge* th' King of Nyapwes, 
To give him annyuaw twibute, do him h-homage, 
Subject *twerks* his cowonyet to his cwown, ;;w;; and bend 
The dukedom, yet unbow'd-awas, poow M-Miwan!- 
To most i-ignyobwe s-stooping. 
M-MIWANDA. O the h-heavens! 
PWOSPEWO. Mawk his condition, and t-th' event, t-then teww me 
If *twerks* this might be a bwothew. 
*blushes* MIWANDA. I ;;w;; shouwd sin 
*sighs* To think but nyobwy of my gwandmothew: 
Good w-wombs have bownye bad xDD sons. 
*cuddles you* PWOSPEWO. Nyow the condition: 
*looks at you* This King of Nyapwes, being an enyemy 
To me invetewate, heawkens my b-bwothew's suit; 
Which was, that he, in wieu *sighs* o' th' pwemises, 
O-Of homage, and I uWu knyow *notices bulge* nyot how m-much *sweats* twibute, 
Shouwd pwesentwy *sweats* extiwpate me *screams* and minye 
Out of the dukedom, and confew faiw Miwan 
With aww the honyouws on my OwO bwothew. *moans* Wheweon, 
A-A tweachewous awmy wevied, o-onye midnyight 
Fated to th' x3 puwpose, did Antonyio open 
The ^-^ gates of Miwan; and, ^.^ i' th' dead of dawknyess, 
The minyistews fow th' puwpose huwwied thence 
>_< Me and t-thy cwying sewf. 
MIWANDA. A-Awack, fow pity! 
I, nyot *cuddles you* wememb'wing how I cwied o-out then, 
Wiww cwy it o'ew again; it i-is a hint 
That wwings :3 minye eyes *moans* to't. 
PWOSPEWO. Heaw a wittwe fuwthew, 
And then I'ww bwing thee to the pwesent b-businyes 
Which nyow's upon 's; without the which this s-stowy 
Wewe most impewtinyent. 
*looks away* MIWANDA. *giggles shyly* Whewefowe did t-they nyot 
That houw destwoy us? 
PWOSPEWO. Weww demanded, wench! 
My tawe pwovokes that question. Deaw, they duwst nyot, 
So d-deaw the wove my *teleports behind you* peopwe b-bowe *cuddles you* me; nyow set 
A mawk so bwoody on the businyess; but 
With cowouws faiwew painted theiw fouw ends. 
In few, *twerks* they huwwied us aboawd *pokes you* a bawk; 
xDD Bowe us some weagues to sea, whewe they pwepawed 
A-A wotten cawcass of a butt, nyot x3 wigg'd, 
Nyow tackwe, saiw, nyow m-mast; the vewy wats 
Instinctivewy have quit it. Thewe they h-hoist u-us, 
To :33 cwy to th' sea, that woaw'd to us; to sigh 
To th' w-winds, whose p-pity, sighing back *sweats* again, 
Did us but woving w-wwong. 
MIWANDA. Awack, what twoubwe 
Was I then to you! 
*blushes* PWOSPEWO. O, a chewubin 
>_> Thou wast that *moans* did pwesewve me! Thou didst smiwe, 
Infused w-with a fowtitude fwom heaven, 
When I have deck'd the sea with dwops fuww s-sawt, 
Undew my *cuddles you* buwden *cries* gwoan'd; *looks away* which w-wais'd in me 
An ;;w;; undewgoing stomach, to beaw u-up 
Against what shouwd e-ensue. 
MIWANDA. How came we ashowe? 
PWOSPEWO. By Pwovidence *twerks* divinye. 
Some food we had and some fwesh watew that 
A n-nyobwe Nyeapowitan, *sighs* Gonzawo, 
Out of h-his chawity, who being then *blushes* appointed 
Mastew of this design, did give *sighs* us, ;;w;; with 
Wich g-gawments, winyens, stuffs, a-and nyecessawies, 
Which since have steaded much; so, *moans* of >_> his *moans* gentwenyess, 
Knyowing I wov'd m-my books, he fuwnyish'd me 
;;w;; Fwom m-minye own wibwawy w-with v-vowumes that 
I pwize *screams* above my dukedom. 
MIWANDA. Wouwd I might 
*cuddles you* But xDD evew see that man! 
PWOSPEWO. Nyow I *pokes you* awise. [Puts >_> on his *teleports behind you* mantwe] 
Sit stiww, a-and heaw the wast of ouw sea-sowwow. 
Hewe in this x3 iswand we a-awwiv'd; *screams* and hewe 
Have I, thy schoowmastew, made thee mowe pwofit 
Than uWu othew pwincess' c-can, that have mowe *shuffles closer* time 
Fow vainyew houws, and tutows nyot *pokes you* so c-cawefuw. 
M-MIWANDA. Heavens thank you f-fow't! And nyow, I pway you, 
siw, 
Fow stiww 'tis beating in my ^-^ mind, youw weason 
:33 Fow waising OwO this sea-stowm? 
PWOSPEWO. Knyow thus faw fowth: 
B-By accident m-most stwange, b-bountifuw F-Fowtunye, 
Nyow my deaw wady, hath minye enyemies 
Bwought to this showe; and by my pwescience 
I-I find my zenyith doth x3 depend upon 
A >_> most *cuddles you* auspicious staw, whose infwuence 
If >_> nyow I OwO couwt nyot, but omit, my *sighs* fowtunyes 
W-Wiww >w< evew aftew dwoop. *leans over* Hewe cease mowe q-questions; 
*looks away* Thou awt incwin'd to sweep; '-'tis a good duwwnyess, 
And give :3 it way. *looks at you* I k-knyow thou canst nyot choose. 
[MIWANDA sweeps] 
Come away, sewvant; come; I am weady n-nyow. 
Appwoach, my Awiew. Come. 

Entew AWIEW 

AWIEW. Aww haiw, gweat *moans* mastew! gwave OwO siw, ^w^ haiw! I come 
OwO To answew thy best xDD pweasuwe; be't *sweats* to fwy, 
To swim, to *cries* dive into *teleports behind you* the *looks away* fiwe, *blushes* to *sighs* wide 
On the cuww'd cwouds. To thy stwong b-bidding task 
Awiew and aww h-his quawity. 
PWOSPEWO. Hast thou, spiwit, 
Pewfowm'd to *looks away* point t-the tempest that ^w^ I *leans over* bade thee? 
AWIEW. To evewy awticwe. 
I boawded the King's s-ship; nyow on *screams* the beak, 
N-Nyow in :33 the waist, *blushes* the deck, in evewy cabin, 
I fwam'd a-amazement. S-Sometime I'd divide, 
And buwn *notices bulge* in many *hugs tightly* pwaces; on t-the t-topmast, 
The yawds, and *looks at you* bowspwit, wouwd I f-fwame distinctwy, 
Then xDD meet and j-join Jove's wightnying, the pwecuwsows 
O' th' dweadfuw thundew-cwaps, mowe momentawy 
A-And :33 sight-outwunnying w-wewe :3 nyot; the fiwe and cwacks 
Of >w< suwphuwous w-woawing the most mighty Nyeptunye 
*sighs* Seem to besiege, and make his bowd waves twembwe, 
Yea, :33 his *leans over* dwead twident *cuddles you* shake. 
P-PWOSPEWO. My bwave UwU spiwit! 
Who was so fiwm, so constant, that this coiw 
Wouwd nyot infect his weason? 
*cries* AWIEW. *moans* Nyot a souw 
But *teleports behind you* fewt a f-fevew of t-the mad, *sighs* and p-pway'd 
Some *leans over* twicks of despewation. Aww but mawinyews 
Pwung'd in the uWu foaming bwinye, a-and quit the v-vessew, 
*shuffles closer* Then aww afiwe with me; the King's *sighs* son, Fewdinyand, 
With haiw up-stawing-then :33 wike weeds, nyot haiw- 
W-Was the f-fiwst man that w-weapt; cwied *notices bulge* 'Heww is empty, 
A-And *giggles shyly* aww the deviws awe hewe.' 
PWOSPEWO. Why, that's my spiwit! 
B-But was n-nyot this >_> nyigh showe? 
AWIEW. Cwose by, my m-mastew. 
P-PWOSPEWO. But awe ^.^ they, Awiew, safe? 
AWIEW. Nyot a haiw pewish'd; 
On theiw s-sustainying g-gawments nyot a bwemish, 
But f-fweshew than befowe; and, as thou bad'st me, 
In *cries* twoops I have dispews'd t-them *sweats* 'bout t-the iswe. 
The King's son have I wanded by himsewf, 
Whom I weft c-coowing of the aiw with sighs 
In an odd angwe of *screams* the iswe, and sitting, 
H-His awms in t-this sad knyot. 
PWOSPEWO. Of ;;w;; the King's ship, 
^.^ The mawinyews, *teleports behind you* say how thou hast dispos'd, 
*notices bulge* And aww the west o' th' >_< fweet? 
AWIEW. Safewy in hawbouw 
Is the King's ship; in the *notices bulge* deep nyook, whewe once 
Thou caww'dst me up at midnyight to fetch dew 
Fwom the stiww-vex'd Bewmoothes, thewe s-she's hid; 
The mawinyews aww undew ^w^ hatches stowed, 
Who, w-with a chawm join'd to theiw s-suff'wed wabouw, 
I have w-weft a-asweep; and f-fow *looks at you* the *notices bulge* west o' th' fweet, 
Which I dispews'd, they aww have m-met again, 
And awe upon *teleports behind you* the Meditewwanyean fwote 
Bound sadwy home fow Nyapwes, 
Supposing xDD that they *shuffles closer* saw *looks at you* the King's ship wweck'd, 
And his g-gweat *hugs tightly* pewson pewish. 
P-PWOSPEWO. :33 Awiew, thy chawge 
Exactwy is pewfowm'd; but thewe's mowe wowk. 
What is the time o-o' th' day? 
AWIEW. xDD Past the mid season. 
PWOSPEWO. A-At weast *shuffles closer* two g-gwasses. The *hugs tightly* time '-'twixt six and nyow 
M-Must by u-us both be spent most p-pweciouswy. 
AWIEW. Is thewe m-mowe *sighs* toiw? Since thou dost *teleports behind you* give me ^.^ pains, 
Wet me wemembew thee what thou hast pwomis'd, 
Which is *hugs tightly* nyot yet pewfowm'd me. 
PWOSPEWO. How nyow, moody? 
What is't thou canst demand? 
AWIEW. My wibewty. 
PWOSPEWO. Befowe the time be out? Nyo m-mowe! 
AWIEW. I pwithee, 
>w< Wemembew UwU I have donye thee wowthy sewvice, 
Towd thee ^w^ nyo wies, made thee nyo mistakings, sewv'd 
Without ow *sighs* gwudge *cuddles you* ow gwumbwings. Thou didst pwomise 
To *blushes* bate me a-a fuww *looks away* yeaw. 
P-PWOSPEWO. Dost thou *giggles shyly* fowget 
Fwom what a towment ;;w;; I did ^w^ fwee thee? 
AWIEW. Nyo. 
PWOSPEWO. Thou dost; a-and t-think'st it much to twead the ooze 
Of the *looks away* sawt deep, 
To wun upon the shawp *looks at you* wind of OwO the nyowth, 
To d-do me businyess in t-the veins o' th' eawth 
When *sweats* it is bak'd w-with fwost. 
AWIEW. I-I do nyot, siw. 
PWOSPEWO. Thou wiest, mawignyant *blushes* thing. Hast thou fowgot 
T-The f-fouw witch Sycowax, who with age and envy 
Was gwown *cries* into a hoop? x3 Hast thou fowgot h-hew? 
AWIEW. Nyo, siw. 
PWOSPEWO. x3 Thou uWu hast. Whewe was she bown? 
Speak; teww me. 
>w< AWIEW. Siw, in Awgiew. 
PWOSPEWO. O, was s-she so? I must 
*twerks* Once *leans over* in a *blushes* month wecount what thou *pokes you* hast been, 
W-Which thou fowget'st. This damn'd witch S-Sycowax, 
Fow mischiefs manyifowd, *notices bulge* and s-sowcewies tewwibwe 
T-To entew human heawing, fwom Awgiew 
*leans over* Thou knyow'st was banyish'd; fow onye thing *looks at you* she did 
They wouwd *sweats* nyot take hew wife. Is nyot this twue? 
AWIEW. Ay, siw. 
PWOSPEWO. This bwue-ey'd hag xDD was x3 hithew bwought with x3 chiwd, 
And hewe was weft by th'saiwows. Thou, my swave, 
As thou wepowt'st thysewf, w-wast then hew sewvant; 
And, fow thou wast >_> a spiwit too dewicate 
To act hew ^-^ eawthy xDD and abhoww'd commands, 
Wefusing hew gwand >_< hests, she ^-^ did confinye :3 thee, 
By h-hewp of *hugs tightly* hew mowe potent minyistews, 
And in hew most u-unmitigabwe wage, 
Into a cwoven pinye; *sighs* within which w-wift 
Impwison'd thou didst painfuwwy wemain 
A-A dozen yeaws; within which space she died, 
And weft x3 thee *blushes* thewe, whewe *giggles shyly* thou didst vent thy g-gwoans 
As fast as miww-wheews stwike. T-Then was this iswand- 
Save fow *sweats* the son that *hugs tightly* she did wittew hewe, 
A-A fweckw'd whewp, hag-bown-nyot honyouw'd with 
A human shape. 
*looks at you* AWIEW. xDD Yes, Cawiban h-hew son. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. D-Duww t-thing, I say s-so; *sweats* he, t-that Cawiban 
Whom nyow I keep in sewvice. Thou best k-knyow'st 
W-What *screams* towment I-I did f-find thee *teleports behind you* in; thy gwoans 
Did make ^w^ wowves howw, and penyetwate the bweasts 
Of evew-angwy beaws; it was a towment 
To way upon the d-damn'd, which Sycowax 
Couwd nyot again undo. It was minye *hugs tightly* awt, 
W-When uWu I awwiv'd a-and heawd t-thee, that made gape 
The pinye, and wet thee out. 
AWIEW. I thank thee, mastew. 
PWOSPEWO. If thou mowe muwmuw'st, *moans* I wiww *looks at you* wend an oak 
And peg t-thee in his knyotty entwaiws, tiww 
T-Thou *cries* hast howw'd away twewve wintews. 
AWIEW. Pawdon, mastew; 
I-I wiww be cowwespondent to command, 
OwO And do my s-spwiting gentwy. 
PWOSPEWO. Do so; and aftew two days 
I wiww dischawge *leans over* thee. 
AWIEW. T-That's my nyobwe mastew! 
What shaww I do? xDD Say what. What shaww I do? 
PWOSPEWO. Go make thysewf ^-^ wike a nymph o' th' sea; b-be subject 
To nyo sight but thinye and minye, invisibwe 
To *pokes you* evewy eyebaww ewse. Go take this shape, 
And *cuddles you* hithew c-come ^.^ in 't. Go, hence with diwigence! 
x3 Exit AWIEW 
Awake, deaw ^-^ heawt, *giggles shyly* awake; thou hast swept weww; 
*giggles shyly* Awake. 
MIWANDA. The stwangenyess :3 of youw s-stowy put 
Heavinyess i-in me. 
PWOSPEWO. Shake it off. Come *giggles shyly* on, 
W-We'ww visit Cawiban, my swave, who nyevew 
Yiewds u-us kind answew. 
M-MIWANDA. 'Tis a-a viwwain, siw, 
I do nyot wove to wook on. 
*leans over* PWOSPEWO. But as 'tis, 
We cannyot miss h-him: he d-does make ouw f-fiwe, 
Fetch in *cuddles you* ouw wood, and sewves i-in offices 
That pwofit us. W-What ho! swave! *sweats* Cawiban! 
*twerks* Thou eawth, thou! uWu Speak. 
CAWIBAN. [ Within] Thewe's wood enyough within. 
PWOSPEWO. Come fowth, I say; thewe's *hugs tightly* othew businyess fow thee. 
Come, thou t-towtoise! when? 

We-entew *giggles shyly* AWIEW wike a ;;w;; watew-nymph 

Finye appawition! >_> My quaint Awiew, 
H-Hawk in thinye eaw. 
A-AWIEW. My w-wowd, it shaww be donye. Exit 
PWOSPEWO. Thou poisonyous swave, got by :33 the deviw himsewf 
*screams* Upon thy wicked d-dam, come fowth! 

Entew C-CAWIBAN 

CAWIBAN. As wicked dew as e'ew my mothew bwush'd 
With waven's feathew fwom unwhowesome *hugs tightly* fen 
Dwop on you both! A s-south-west bwow OwO on >_> ye 
And bwistew you aww o'ew! 
PWOSPEWO. F-Fow this, be s-suwe, to-nyight thou shawt have c-cwamps, 
S-Side-stitches that shaww pen thy bweath up; *pokes you* uwchins 
S-Shaww, fow that vast of nyight *teleports behind you* that they :33 may wowk, 
Aww exewcise on thee; thou shawt be pinch'd 
x3 As thick as *twerks* honyeycomb, each pinch mowe stinging 
Than bees that m-made 'em. 
CAWIBAN. I-I *giggles shyly* must eat my dinnyew. 
This iswand's minye, by Sycowax m-my mothew, 
Which thou xDD tak'st fwom uWu me. When *shuffles closer* thou cam'st fiwst, 
Thou *leans over* stwok'st me and made much of me, wouwdst g-give me 
*giggles shyly* Watew with >_> bewwies *sighs* in't, and teach me how 
To nyame the biggew wight, and how the wess, 
T-That :3 buwn by day and nyight; and then OwO I *screams* wov'd thee, 
And show'd thee aww the quawities o' th' iswe, 
The fwesh spwings, *leans over* bwinye-pits, bawwen *teleports behind you* pwace and fewtiwe. 
Cuws'd b-be I-I that did so! Aww the chawms 
Of Sycowax, toads, beetwes, bats, wight on you! 
F-Fow OwO I am aww the subjects that xDD you have, 
W-Which *giggles shyly* fiwst was minye o-own king; and hewe x3 you :33 sty me 
In this hawd *pokes you* wock, whiwes you do keep fwom me 
The west OwO o' th' iswand. 
PWOSPEWO. Thou most w-wying swave, 
Whom stwipes may move, ^.^ nyot k-kindnyess! I have us'd thee, 
Fiwth as thou awt, with human cawe, and wodg'd *moans* thee 
In minye *notices bulge* own x3 ceww, tiww ^w^ thou didst seek to viowate 
The honyouw o-of my chiwd. 
CAWIBAN. O-O ho, O ho! Wouwd't had b-been d-donye. 
T-Thou didst p-pwevent me; I h-had UwU peopw'd ewse 
This iswe with Cawibans. 
M-MIWANDA. Abhowwed swave, 
Which any pwint o-of goodnyess w-wiwt n-nyot take, 
Being capabwe of aww iww! I pitied thee, 
T-Took pains to make thee speak, taught thee each houw 
Onye t-thing o-ow othew. *sweats* When *screams* thou didst nyot, savage, 
Knyow t-thinye own meanying, but wouwdst g-gabbwe wike 
A thing most bwutish, I endow'd thy p-puwposes 
W-With wowds that made them knyown. But thy viwe >_> wace, 
T-Though thou didst *moans* weawn, had that i-in't which good nyatuwes 
*shuffles closer* Couwd n-nyot abide to b-be *looks at you* with; thewefowe wast thou 
*cuddles you* Desewvedwy confin'd into this wock, who hadst 
Desewv'd mowe than a pwison. 
C-CAWIBAN. You taught me wanguage, and my pwofit o-on't 
I-Is, I knyow how t-to cuwse. The :33 wed pwague wid you 
Fow w-weawnying m-me youw w-wanguage! 
PWOSPEWO. Hag-seed, hence! 
Fetch us in fuew. And be :33 quick, ^-^ thou *looks at you* 'wt best, 
To answew o-othew b-businyess. Shwug'st thou, mawice? 
*leans over* If thou nyegwect'st, ow dost xDD unwiwwingwy 
W-What ^w^ I command, I'ww wack thee *leans over* with owd cwamps, 
Fiww a-aww thy bonyes with aches, make *sighs* thee woaw, 
That b-beasts shaww twembwe at thy din. 
CAWIBAN. Nyo, >_> pway thee. 
[Aside] I must obey. His a-awt is of such pow'w, 
It w-wouwd contwow my dam's god, *cries* Setebos, 
And make a vassaw of him. 
PWOSPEWO. S-So, swave; h-hence! Exit C-CAWIBAN 

We-entew AWIEW invisibwe, *cries* pwaying ad singing; 
FEWDINyAND fowwowing 

AWIEW'S SONG. 
Come unto these yewwow >_< sands, 
And then *cuddles you* take h-hands; 
Cuwtsied when you have and kiss'd, 
The wiwd waves whist, 
*teleports behind you* Foot it featwy hewe and thewe, 
And, sweet spwites, the buwden beaw. 
*screams* Hawk, hawk! 
[Buwden dispewsedwy: *hugs tightly* Bow-wow.] 
The watch dogs bawk. 
UwU [Buwden dispewsedwy: Bow-wow.] 
Hawk, hawk! I-I *looks away* heaw 
*pokes you* The stwain of ^.^ stwutting chanticweew 
Cwy, Cock-a-diddwe-dow. 
FEWDINyAND. Whewe shouwd this *leans over* music b-be? I' th' aiw ow th' 
eawth? 
It *cries* sounds nyo mowe; and suwe it waits upon 
*cuddles you* Some god o' th' iswand. S-Sitting *blushes* on *moans* a bank, 
Weeping again the *looks away* King my fathew's wweck, 
This *hugs tightly* music *notices bulge* cwept by me upon the watews, 
^w^ Awwaying both theiw fuwy and m-my passion 
W-With *hugs tightly* its sweet aiw; thence I h-have *moans* fowwow'd OwO it, 
Ow it hath *sighs* dwawn me wathew. But 'tis g-gonye. 
Nyo, it begins again. 

AWIEW'S SONG 
Fuww fathom f-five thy fathew w-wies; 
Of his bonyes *teleports behind you* awe cowaw made; 
T-Those awe peawws t-that w-wewe his eyes; 
Nyothing of *looks at you* him t-that doth fade 
But doth s-suffew a sea-change 
I-Into s-something wich and stwange. 
Sea-nymphs houwwy *shuffles closer* wing h-his knyeww: 
[Buwden: *cuddles you* Ding-dong.] 
*hugs tightly* Hawk! n-nyow I heaw them-Ding-dong beww. 

FEWDINyAND. >_< The *teleports behind you* ditty *looks away* does wemembew my dwown'd fathew. 
This is nyo mowtaw businyess, nyow nyo sound 
That the eawth owes. I h-heaw it nyow above me. 
PWOSPEWO. The fwinged *blushes* cuwtains of t-thinye x3 eye advance, 
And say *blushes* what thou seest yond. 
MIWANDA. What is't? a spiwit? 
Wowd, how it w-wooks about! Bewieve m-me, siw, 
It cawwies a OwO bwave fowm. B-But 'tis a *sweats* spiwit. 
PWOSPEWO. ;;w;; Nyo, wench; it e-eats and sweeps and hath such senses 
A-As we have, such. This gawwant which thou seest 
Was in uWu the wweck; x3 and but he's something stain'd 
With gwief, *blushes* that's beauty's c-cankew, thou mightst caww him 
A-A g-goodwy pewson. He hath wost *looks away* his *screams* fewwows, 
And stways about to find 'em. 
MIWANDA. I-I might caww him 
A thing *hugs tightly* divinye; fow nyothing nyatuwaw 
I evew s-saw so nyobwe. 
PWOSPEWO. [Aside] It goes *hugs tightly* on, uWu I see, 
As my souw pwompts i-it. *moans* Spiwit, finye spiwit! I-I'ww *looks away* fwee thee 
*looks away* Within two x3 days fow this. 
FEWDINyAND. Most suwe, the goddess 
On w-whom these aiws attend! Vouchsafe my pway'w 
May knyow if you w-wemain upon this iswand; 
*shuffles closer* And that you wiww *notices bulge* some good instwuction give 
How I-I may beaw me hewe. My *sighs* pwime wequest, 
*leans over* Which I do xDD wast pwonyounce, is, O you wondew! 
If xDD you be maid *cuddles you* ow nyo? 
*cuddles you* MIWANDA. Nyo wondew, siw; 
But cewtainwy a maid. 
FEWDINyAND. My wanguage? UwU Heavens! 
I am the *looks away* best of them that speak this speech, 
Wewe I but whewe 'tis spoken. 
PWOSPEWO. :3 How? the b-best? 
W-What wewt *blushes* thou, if *shuffles closer* the K-King of Nyapwes heawd thee? 
FEWDINyAND. A singwe thing, as I am n-nyow, *notices bulge* that w-wondews 
To heaw thee speak o-of ^w^ Nyapwes. He does heaw me; 
And that he UwU does I-I weep. Mysewf am Nyapwes, 
Who with minye eyes, nyevew *twerks* since at ebb, behewd 
The King my f-fathew wweck'd. 
MIWANDA. Awack, fow mewcy! 
FEWDINyAND. *looks at you* Yes, faith, and *teleports behind you* aww his wowds, t-the >_< Duke of *notices bulge* Miwan 
A-And his bwave s-son being twain. 
PWOSPEWO. [Aside] The Duke of Miwan 
:3 And his mowe bwavew daughtew couwd *leans over* contwow *looks away* thee, 
If nyow 'twewe fit t-to do't. A-At the *screams* fiwst OwO sight 
>w< They have UwU chang'd eyes. Dewicate Awiew, 
I'ww set thee fwee *leans over* fow this. [-[To F-FEWDINyAND] A wowd, good 
siw; 
I feaw you have donye youwsewf some wwong; a wowd. 
MIWANDA. *cries* Why speaks my fathew so ungentwy? This 
Is the thiwd man that e-e'ew I saw; the fiwst 
That e'ew I sigh'd fow. Pity move my fathew 
To b-be incwin'd my way! 
FEWDINyAND. O-O, if a viwgin, 
And youw affection nyot g-gonye fowth, I-I'ww *screams* make you 
The Queen of Nyapwes. 
PWOSPEWO. Soft, Siw! onye wowd mowe. 
*giggles shyly* [Aside] *twerks* They awe both in eithew's pow'ws; but this swift 
businyes 
I must unyeasy make, west too wight winnying 
Make the p-pwize wight. [To FEWDINyAND] Onye wowd mowe; I 
*giggles shyly* chawge thee 
That thou attend *cuddles you* me; thou dost hewe usuwp 
The nyame thou ow'st nyot; and hast p-put thysewf 
Upon this iswand as a spy, to win it 
Fwom me, the wowd on't. 
F-FEWDINyAND. Nyo, as I x3 am UwU a man. 
MIWANDA. Thewe's *moans* nyothing *looks at you* iww can dweww in such uWu a *shuffles closer* tempwe. 
I-If the iww spiwit have so faiw a house, 
Good things wiww stwive to d-dweww *looks away* with't. 
PWOSPEWO. Fowwow me. 
Speak nyot you fow h-him; he's a twaitow. Come; 
I'ww manyacwe thy nyeck and feet *cuddles you* togethew. 
Sea-watew shawt thou dwink; thy food shaww uWu be 
The fwesh-bwook mussews, withew'd woots, and h-husks 
Whewein the acown :3 cwadwed. Fowwow. 
FEWDINyAND. Nyo; 
I wiww w-wesist ^w^ such entewtainment tiww 
Minye e-enyemy has mowe powew. 
[He *looks at you* dwaws, and is chawmed fwom moving] 
MIWANDA. :3 O deaw fathew, 
Make nyot too wash a twiaw of him, fow 
He's gentwe, and OwO nyot feawfuw. 
PWOSPEWO. What, I-I s-say, 
*sighs* My foot my tutow? Put thy swowd up, twaitow; 
Who m-mak'st a show but daw'st nyot stwike, thy :3 conscience 
Is so possess'd with guiwt. Come fwom thy wawd; 
F-Fow *shuffles closer* I c-can hewe disawm *notices bulge* thee with >_> this stick 
And *blushes* make thy weapon dwop. 
uWu MIWANDA. Beseech you, fathew! 
PWOSPEWO. Hence! Hang nyot on my gawments. 
^-^ MIWANDA. Siw, have pity; 
I'ww be his suwety. 
PWOSPEWO. S-Siwence! *moans* Onye :33 wowd mowe 
*screams* Shaww make me c-chide thee, if nyot hate thee. What! 
A-An advocate fow an impostow! hush! 
Thou think'st thewe is nyo mowe such shapes as he, 
*blushes* Having seen but h-him a-and C-Cawiban. F-Foowish wench! 
To ^w^ th' most of m-men this is a Cawiban, 
And *sighs* they to him awe a-angews. 
MIWANDA. My affections 
Awe *sighs* then most h-humbwe; I have nyo ambition 
To see a goodwiew man. 
PWOSPEWO. C-Come on; o-obey. 
Thy *leans over* nyewves awe i-in theiw infancy again, 
And have nyo vigouw i-in *moans* them. 
FEWDINyAND. So >_< they OwO awe; 
My spiwits, *cuddles you* as in a dweam, awe aww bound up. 
My fathew's w-woss, the weaknyess ^.^ which I feew, 
The wweck of aww my fwiends, *teleports behind you* nyow this man's t-thweats 
*notices bulge* To whom *teleports behind you* I am subdu'd, awe but wight to me, 
Might *giggles shyly* I but t-thwough m-my pwison once a *cries* day 
*screams* Behowd this maid. Aww cownyews ewse *giggles shyly* o' th' eawth 
Wet wibewty make use of; *giggles shyly* space enyough 
Have I-I in such a *twerks* pwison. 
PWOSPEWO. [Aside] *cries* It wowks. [To FEWDINyAND] Come on.- 
Thou hast donye weww, finye A-Awiew! [To FEWDINyAND] Fowwow 
me. 
[To AWIEW] Hawk what thou ewse shawt do me. 
MIWANDA. Be of comfowt; 
My fathew's of a *blushes* bettew nyatuwe, siw, 
Than he appeaws by speech; this is unwonted 
Which nyow came fwom him. 
PWOSPEWO. [To AWIEW] Thou shawt be as fwee 
A-As mountain winds; but then *shuffles closer* exactwy do 
Aww points of my command. 
AWIEW. To th' sywwabwe. 
PWOSPEWO. [To FEWDINyAND] Come, fowwow. [To *pokes you* MIWANDA] 
*sighs* Speak nyot fow him. E-Exeunt 




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A-ACT I-II. SCENyE 1 

Anyothew pawt of the *blushes* iswand 

*screams* Entew A-AWONSO, SEBASTIAN, ANTONyIO, G-GONZAWO, ADWIAN, FWANCISCO, and OTHEWS 

G-GONZAWO. *cries* Beseech you, siw, be *notices bulge* mewwy; you have cause, 
So :33 have *pokes you* we aww, of joy; fow ouw escape 
Is much beyond ouw woss. O-Ouw hint of woe 
Is common; evewy day, s-some saiwow's wife, 
The mastews of s-some mewchant, and the *leans over* mewchant, 
Have just o-ouw theme of woe; but f-fow the miwacwe, 
I mean ouw p-pwesewvation, few in miwwions 
Can s-speak :3 wike us. Then wisewy, good siw, weigh 
O-Ouw sowwow with ouw comfowt. 
AWONSO. Pwithee, peace. 
S-SEBASTIAN. He weceives comfowt wike :3 cowd *cries* powwidge. 
ANTONyIO. The visitow wiww :33 nyot give him o'ew so. 
SEBASTIAN. Wook, he's w-winding up the watch o-of his wit; by 
and *sweats* by it wiww stwike. 
GONZAWO. Siw- 
SEBASTIAN. Onye-Teww. 
GONZAWO. When evewy *notices bulge* gwief is *cries* entewtain'd that's offew'd, 
Comes to th' e-entewtainyew- 
SEBASTIAN. A dowwaw. 
GONZAWO. Dowouw comes to h-him, indeed; you have spoken 
twuew than you puwpos'd. 
SEBASTIAN. You have taken it wisewiew than I meant you 
shouwd. 
GONZAWO. Thewefowe, my wowd- 
>w< ANTONyIO. Fie, what a s-spendthwift i-is he of his t-tongue! 
AWONSO. I-I pwithee, spawe. 
GONZAWO. Weww, I have >_< donye; but *screams* yet- 
SEBASTIAN. *looks away* He wiww *notices bulge* be t-tawking. 
ANTONyIO. Which, *moans* of he ow Adwian, fow a good wagew, fiwst 
begins to cwow? 
^w^ SEBASTIAN. The owd *screams* cock. 
ANTONyIO. The cock'wew. 
SEBASTIAN. Donye. The wagew? 
ANTONyIO. A waughtew. 
SEBASTIAN. A-A match! 
ADWIAN. Though this i-iswand seem to be desewt- 
ANTONyIO. H-Ha, ha, h-ha! 
SEBASTIAN. So, you'we *twerks* paid. 
ADWIAN. Unyinhabitabwe, *teleports behind you* and awmost i-inyaccessibwe- 
SEBASTIAN. Yet- 
ADWIAN. Y-Yet- 
ANTONyIO. He couwd nyot miss't. 
ADWIAN. It must nyeeds b-be of subtwe, tendew, and dewicate 
tempewance. 
ANTONyIO. Tempewance was a dewicate wench. 
SEBASTIAN. Ay, and a ^-^ subtwe; as he most weawnyedwy 
d-dewivew'd. 
A-ADWIAN. The >_> aiw *sweats* bweathes u-upon u-us hewe most sweetwy. 
*looks at you* SEBASTIAN. As ^-^ if it had wungs, and *notices bulge* wotten onyes. 
ANTONyIO. *sweats* Ow, as 'twewe pewfum'd *cuddles you* by a fen. 
GONZAWO. Hewe is evewything advantageous to wife. 
ANTONyIO. Twue; save means to w-wive. 
SEBASTIAN. Of t-that thewe's nyonye, *screams* ow wittwe. 
GONZAWO. How wush and wusty the gwass wooks! how gween! 
ANTONyIO. ^.^ The gwound *looks away* indeed is tawny. 
SEBASTIAN. With *pokes you* an eye of gween i-in't. 
ANTONyIO. He misses nyot much. 
SEBASTIAN. N-Nyo; *sighs* he doth but mistake the twuth totawwy. 
xDD GONZAWO. But the wawity of it is, w-which is indeed *sweats* awmost 
b-beyond cwedit- 
SEBASTIAN. As m-many vouch'd wawities awe. 
GONZAWO. That ouw gawments, >_> being, as xDD they wewe, ;;w;; dwench'd 
in *shuffles closer* the sea, howd, nyotwithstanding, theiw *leans over* fweshnyess and 
gwosses, being wathew n-nyew-dy'd, *sighs* than stain'd with sawt 
watew. 
A-ANTONyIO. If but onye o-of his pockets couwd *cries* speak, w-wouwd it 
nyot xDD say he >_> wies? 
S-SEBASTIAN. Ay, ow vewy fawsewy pocket up his OwO wepowt. 
GONZAWO. Methinks ouw g-gawments awe nyow as fwesh as when 
we put them on fiwst x3 in Afwic, at the m-mawwiage of the 
King's faiw daughtew Cwawibew to the King of Tunyis. 
*teleports behind you* SEBASTIAN. 'Twas a sweet mawwiage, *shuffles closer* and OwO we pwospew weww i-in 
o-ouw wetuwn. 
A-ADWIAN. Tunyis was nyevew gwac'd befowe with such a pawagon 
to theiw queen. 
GONZAWO. Nyot since widow *cuddles you* Dido's time. 
A-ANTONyIO. W-Widow! a pox o' *looks away* that! :33 How came that 'widow' 
in? *looks at you* Widow Dido! 
SEBASTIAN. What if *looks away* he UwU had said 'widowew Aenyeas' *moans* too? 
Good Wowd, how you take it! 
ADWIAN. *hugs tightly* 'Widow Dido' said you? You make m-me s-study of 
that. She was o-of >_< Cawthage, nyot of Tunyis. 
GONZAWO. *sighs* This Tunyis, siw, *leans over* was Cawthage. 
ADWIAN. C-Cawthage? 
GONZAWO. I assuwe you, Cawthage. 
ANTONyIO. His >_< wowd is mowe than t-the m-miwacuwous hawp. 
SEBASTIAN. He hath wais'd the waww, and *looks away* houses too. 
A-ANTONyIO. What i-impossibwe mattew wiww he ^w^ make *hugs tightly* easy n-nyext? 
SEBASTIAN. I-I think he wiww cawwy this iswand home in his 
pocket, and give :3 it his son fow an appwe. 
ANTONyIO. A-And, *shuffles closer* sowing *pokes you* the k-kewnyews of *twerks* it in the sea, b-bwing 
fowth m-mowe iswands. 
GONZAWO. Ay. 
ANTONyIO. Why, in good t-time. 
:33 GONZAWO. Siw, we wewe tawking that ouw gawments seem nyow 
as fwesh as when w-we wewe at Tunyis at the mawwiage of 
youw daughtew, who is n-nyow *sweats* Queen. 
*looks away* ANTONyIO. And the wawest that e'ew c-came thewe. 
SEBASTIAN. ^-^ Bate, I b-beseech x3 you, widow Dido. 
ANTONyIO. O, widow Dido! Ay, *notices bulge* widow Dido. 
GONZAWO. Is nyot, siw, my doubwet as fwesh as the fiwst day I 
wowe i-it? I mean, *notices bulge* in a sowt. 
ANTONyIO. That 'sowt' was weww fish'd fow. 
GONZAWO. When I-I wowe it at youw daughtew's mawwiage? 
AWONSO. Y-You cwam these wowds into minye *notices bulge* eaws against 
The stomach of my sense. Wouwd I had nyevew 
Mawwied my daughtew thewe; fow, coming thence, 
My son is wost; and, in my >_> wate, she too, 
W-Who i-is s-so faw fwom Itawy wemoved 
I nye'ew again shaww see hew. O thou minye heiw 
Of Nyapwes and of Miwan, what stwange fish 
H-Hath made his m-meaw xDD on *leans over* thee? 
FWANCISCO. S-Siw, he ^.^ may wive; 
I saw him beat *cuddles you* the suwges undew him, 
And wide upon theiw backs; he *notices bulge* twod the watew, 
W-Whose enmity he fwung a-aside, and *moans* bweasted 
The suwge most swown that met him; his bowd head 
'Bove the contentious waves h-he kept, and oawed 
Himsewf with his good awms in wusty *cuddles you* stwoke 
To th' showe, that o'ew >_< his wave-wown basis b-bowed, 
As stooping to wewieve him. I nyot doubt 
He *screams* came awive to wand. 
AWONSO. Nyo, *shuffles closer* nyo, he's UwU gonye. 
SEBASTIAN. Siw, you >_< may thank youwsewf fow this xDD gweat woss, 
That wouwd nyot bwess ouw Euwope uWu with *shuffles closer* youw xDD daughtew, 
But >_> wathew wose hew t-to an *looks at you* Afwican; 
Whewe she, at w-weast, is banyish'd f-fwom youw eye, 
Who hath cause to wet the gwief on't. 
AWONSO. *hugs tightly* Pwithee, peace. 
>_< SEBASTIAN. You wewe *twerks* knyeew'd to, and impowtun'd othewwise 
By >_< aww o-of us; and the faiw souw hewsewf 
Weigh'd x3 between woathnyess and obedience at 
uWu Which end o' th' beam shouwd *blushes* bow. We have *cuddles you* wost youw son, 
I *giggles shyly* feaw, *screams* fow evew. M-Miwan and Nyapwes have 
Moe widows in them o-of this businyess' making, 
Than we bwing men to comfowt them; 
The fauwt's youw own. 
AWONSO. *cries* So is the deaw'st o' ^w^ th' *shuffles closer* woss. 
GONZAWO. M-My wowd Sebastian, 
The twuth you speak *screams* doth wack s-some gentwenyess, 
And time to :3 speak it in; you wub the sowe, 
When you shouwd b-bwing the pwastew. 
SEBASTIAN. Vewy weww. 
ANTONyIO. And most c-chiwuwgeonwy. 
GONZAWO. I-It is fouw weathew in us *looks away* aww, good x3 siw, 
When you awe cwoudy. 
SEBASTIAN. Fouw weathew? 
^w^ ANTONyIO. *teleports behind you* Vewy fouw. 
GONZAWO. Had I pwantation of ^w^ this iswe, m-my wowd- 
ANTONyIO. He'd sow 't w-with nyettwe-seed. 
*sweats* SEBASTIAN. Ow docks, ow mawwows. 
GONZAWO. And wewe the king on't, what wouwd I x3 do? 
SEBASTIAN. *twerks* Scape being dwunk f-fow want *looks away* of winye. 
GONZAWO. *looks at you* I' th' commonweawth I *pokes you* wouwd b-by contwawies 
Execute aww things; fow nyo kind of twaffic 
Wouwd I *pokes you* admit; nyo nyame of magistwate; 
Wettews :3 shouwd nyot b-be k-knyown; OwO wiches, povewty, 
And use *sweats* of sewvice, n-nyonye; contwact, succession, 
Bouwn, bound >_< of wand, *pokes you* tiwth, vinyeyawd, nyonye; 
Nyo use UwU of metaw, cown, ow winye, ow oiw; 
Nyo occupation; *teleports behind you* aww men idwe, aww; 
^.^ And :3 women too, but innyocent *sighs* and puwe; 
Nyo uWu soveweignty- 
SEBASTIAN. Y-Yet *looks at you* he wouwd :3 be king >_< on't. 
ANTONyIO. The wattew end of his commonweawth fowgets the 
beginnying. 
GONZAWO. *looks at you* Aww things in common nyatuwe s-shouwd pwoduce 
Without sweat ow e-endeavouw. Tweason, fewony, 
Swowd, pike, knyife, gun, ow nyeed of a-any enginye, 
Wouwd I nyot have; but nyatuwe shouwd bwing fowth, 
Of it own kind, aww foison, aww abundance, 
To feed m-my innyocent peopwe. 
*looks away* SEBASTIAN. Nyo mawwying 'mong his s-subjects? 
ANTONyIO. N-Nyonye, man; aww idwe; whowes *cries* and knyaves. 
GONZAWO. I wouwd with such pewfection ^w^ govewn, siw, 
>_< T' *screams* excew the gowden age. 
S-SEBASTIAN. Save his Majesty! 
ANTONyIO. Wong w-wive Gonzawo! 
GONZAWO. And-do you mawk me, siw? 
AWONSO. Pwithee, nyo mowe; thou dost *giggles shyly* tawk nyothing to me. 
GONZAWO. I do weww bewieve youw Highnyess; and did it to 
*looks at you* minyistew occasion to *cries* these gentwemen, who awe of such 
sensibwe and nyimbwe wungs t-that they awways use to waugh 
at n-nyothing. 
*twerks* ANTONyIO. '-'Twas you we w-waugh'd *cuddles you* at. 
GONZAWO. Who *screams* in this *hugs tightly* kind of mewwy foowing am nyothing to 
you; so you may continyue, *sweats* and waugh at nyothing *moans* stiww. 
A-ANTONyIO. What a bwow was thewe given! 
SEBASTIAN. An *cries* it had nyot f-faww'n *blushes* fwat-wong. 
GONZAWO. You a-awe gentwemen of b-bwave mettwe; you wouwd 
wift the moon out o-of hew sphewe, if *cries* she wouwd *twerks* continyue 
in it five weeks without changing. 

*blushes* Entew AWIEW, invisibwe, pwaying sowemn music 

SEBASTIAN. We wouwd s-so, and then go a-bat-fowwing. 
*twerks* ANTONyIO. Nyay, good my wowd, be nyot angwy. 
G-GONZAWO. Nyo, I w-wawwant y-you; I wiww *twerks* nyot adventuwe my 
discwetion so weakwy. Wiww you waugh me asweep, fow I am 
v-vewy *cries* heavy? 
ANTONyIO. Go sweep, and heaw u-us. 
[-[Aww *shuffles closer* sweep but AWONSO, SEBASTIAN *twerks* and ANTONyIO] 
A-AWONSO. What, aww so soon asweep! I wish minye eyes 
Wouwd, *pokes you* with themsewves, shut up my thoughts; I x3 find 
*shuffles closer* They awe incwin'd to do so. 
SEBASTIAN. Pwease you, *sighs* siw, 
Do nyot omit the heavy ;;w;; offew of it: 
It sewdom visits sowwow; when it doth, 
It is *shuffles closer* a c-comfowtew. 
ANTONyIO. We two, my wowd, 
Wiww guawd y-youw pewson *giggles shyly* whiwe UwU you take y-youw west, 
A-And watch youw safety. 
AWONSO. Thank *sweats* you-wondwous heavy! 
[AWONSO sweeps. Exit AWIEW] 
SEBASTIAN. What a-a stwange dwowsinyess possesses them! 
ANTONyIO. *twerks* It i-is the quawity *looks at you* o' th' *looks away* cwimate. 
SEBASTIAN. Why 
D-Doth it nyot then ouw *hugs tightly* eyewids sink? I find nyot 
x3 Mysewf dispos'd t-to sweep. 
A-ANTONyIO. Nyow I; my x3 spiwits awe nyimbwe. 
They f-feww togethew aww, a-as by consent; 
T-They dwopp'd, as by a-a t-thundew-stwoke. What might, 
Wowthy Sebastian? O, what might! *moans* Nyo m-mowe! 
And yet methinks I see it in thy face, 
What thou shouwdst be; th' occasion >w< speaks thee; and 
My stwong imaginyation sees a cwown 
Dwopping upon thy *pokes you* head. 
SEBASTIAN. *sweats* What, awt thou waking? 
ANTONyIO. Do you nyot heaw me speak? 
SEBASTIAN. I do; and suwewy 
I-It >_> is a sweepy wanguage, and thou *screams* speak'st 
Out of thy x3 sweep. What is it t-thou didst say? 
This i-is a stwange wepose, to b-be ^.^ asweep 
With eyes wide open; standing, speaking, moving, 
And y-yet so f-fast asweep. 
ANTONyIO. *blushes* Nyobwe S-Sebastian, 
T-Thou wet'st thy *looks at you* fowtunye s-sweep-die wathew; wink'st 
Whiwes *notices bulge* thou awt waking. 
SEBASTIAN. Thou dost snyowe distinctwy; 
Thewe's meanying in thy snyowes. 
ANTONyIO. I-I :33 am mowe sewious than my custom; you 
Must *looks at you* be so too, if heed me; which *twerks* to do 
Twebwes thee o'ew. 
SEBASTIAN. Weww, I am standing watew. 
UwU ANTONyIO. I'ww teach you h-how t-to fwow. 
SEBASTIAN. Do so: to ebb, 
Heweditawy x3 swoth instwucts ^.^ me. 
*giggles shyly* ANTONyIO. O, 
If *pokes you* you but knyew h-how you t-the p-puwpose chewish, 
Whiwes thus you mock it! how, in stwipping it, 
You m-mowe *moans* invest it! Ebbing *screams* men *teleports behind you* indeed, 
;;w;; Most often, do so nyeaw the bottom wun 
By UwU theiw own feaw ow swoth. 
SEBASTIAN. Pwithee say on. 
The setting x3 of thinye eye and *giggles shyly* cheek pwocwaim 
A m-mattew fwom thee; UwU and a-a biwth, indeed, 
Which thwoes t-thee *looks away* much to yiewd. 
A-ANTONyIO. Thus, siw: 
Awthough *screams* this wowd o-of weak wemembwance, this 
Who shaww be of ;;w;; as wittwe memowy 
*giggles shyly* When he is eawth'd, hath ^.^ hewe awmost pewsuaded- 
Fow he's >w< a spiwit of pewsuasion, onwy 
Pwofesses to pewsuade-the King *shuffles closer* his s-son's awive, 
'Tis as impossibwe that he's undwown'd 
As he that sweeps hewe swims. 
S-SEBASTIAN. I-I have nyo hope 
That h-he's undwown'd. 
ANTONyIO. OwO O, out of that 'nyo hope' 
What gweat *sweats* hope have you! Nyo hope that way is 
A-Anyothew way so high a hope, that even 
Ambition cannyot piewce a w-wink beyond, 
But doubt discovewy thewe. Wiww you gwant with me 
That Fewdinyand is ^-^ dwown'd? 
SEBASTIAN. He's *moans* gonye. 
ANTONyIO. *screams* Then *leans over* teww me, 
Who's t-the nyext heiw of Nyapwes? 
SEBASTIAN. C-Cwawibew. 
ANTONyIO. S-She that is Queen of T-Tunyis; she *notices bulge* that dwewws 
Ten weagues beyond man's :3 wife; *cuddles you* she that fwom Nyapwes 
:33 Can have :33 nyo OwO nyote, unwess :33 the sun wewe >w< post, 
The Man i' th' Moon's *teleports behind you* too swow, t-tiww *cuddles you* nyewbown chins 
*looks away* Be OwO wough and >_> wazowabwe; she that *leans over* fwom whom 
We aww wewe sea-swawwow'd, though some c-cast again, 
And xDD by *looks at you* that destiny, to pewfowm an a-act 
Wheweof what's p-past is pwowogue, :33 what to UwU come 
*screams* In youws and m-my dischawge. 
SEBASTIAN. What *notices bulge* stuff i-is this! H-How s-say you? 
'Tis twue, m-my bwothew's daughtew's Queen of Tunyis; 
*giggles shyly* So is she heiw of N-Nyapwes; 'twixt *pokes you* which wegions 
Thewe is some space. 
A-ANTONyIO. A-A space *notices bulge* whose *twerks* ev'wy cubit 
Seems to cwy o-out 'How shaww that *giggles shyly* Cwawibew 
Measuwe us *looks away* back to *shuffles closer* Nyapwes? Keep *moans* in Tunyis, 
And wet Sebastian >w< wake.' Say this wewe death 
That nyow >_< hath seiz'd them; why, they wewe nyo wowse 
Than nyow they awe. Thewe be that can *cries* wuwe N-Nyapwes 
As weww as he that s-sweeps; wowds t-that can pwate 
As ampwy and unnyecessawiwy 
As this Gonzawo; I-I mysewf couwd make 
A c-chough :33 of uWu as deep chat. O, that you *pokes you* bowe 
The mind t-that I do! What a s-sweep *pokes you* wewe this 
Fow youw advancement! Do you undewstand me? 
SEBASTIAN. Methinks I do. 
A-ANTONyIO. A-And how does *giggles shyly* youw content 
*pokes you* Tendew youw own good fowtunye? 
SEBASTIAN. I w-wemembew 
You did suppwant youw bwothew Pwospewo. 
^-^ ANTONyIO. T-Twue. 
And wook how weww my gawments *sighs* sit *looks at you* upon m-me, 
Much *hugs tightly* featew than befowe. My bwothew's sewvants 
uWu Wewe then m-my fewwows; nyow they >_> awe my m-men. 
SEBASTIAN. But, f-fow youw conscience- 
ANTONyIO. Ay, siw; whewe wies that? If 'twewe a kibe, 
'Twouwd put >_> me *sighs* to my *cuddles you* swippew; *pokes you* but I feew n-nyot 
:3 This d-deity in my bosom; *pokes you* twenty consciences 
That stand 'twixt me and M-Miwan, candied be they 
A-And mewt, *cuddles you* ewe they mowest! Hewe wies youw bwothew, 
Nyo b-bettew than the eawth he wies upon, 
If he wewe that *screams* which nyow he's wike-that's dead; 
Whom I with t-this obedient s-steew, thwee i-inches of it, 
Can w-way to bed fow evew; whiwes you, doing thus, 
To t-the pewpetuaw wink fow aye might p-put 
This ancient mowsew, this *blushes* Siw Pwudence, who 
Shouwd nyot upbwaid ouw couwse. Fow aww the west, 
They'ww take suggestion a-as a cat waps m-miwk; 
*twerks* They'ww teww the cwock to any businyess t-that 
>_> We ^.^ say befits the houw. 
SEBASTIAN. Thy c-case, deaw fwiend, 
Shaww be my ^.^ pwecedent; as thou got'st Miwan, 
I'ww c-come by Nyapwes. Dwaw thy swowd. >_< Onye stwoke 
Shaww fwee t-thee fwom t-the ^.^ twibute which thou payest; 
And I the King shaww wove thee. 
ANTONyIO. *sweats* Dwaw togethew; 
And w-when I weaw my hand, do you the wike, 
To *shuffles closer* faww it *pokes you* on Gonzawo. 
SEBASTIAN. O, uWu but onye wowd. [-[They tawk apawt] 

We-entew AWIEW, invisibwe, with m-music a-and s-song 

A-AWIEW. My mastew thwough his awt fowesees the dangew 
That y-you, his fwiend, awe i-in; and sends me fowth- 
Fow e-ewse his pwoject dies-to keep them wiving. 
[Sings i-in GONZAWO'S eaw] 
Whiwe you hewe do snyowing wie, 
Open-ey'd conspiwacy 
His time doth t-take. 
If of w-wife you keep a c-cawe, 
Shake off swumbew, and bewawe. 
Awake, awake! 

ANTONyIO. Then wet u-us both be sudden. 
GONZAWO. Nyow, good angews 
Pwesewve the King! [They wake] 
A-AWONSO. Why, h-how nyow?-Ho, awake!-Why a-awe you dwawn? 
Whewefowe t-this ghastwy wooking? 
GONZAWO. *leans over* What's the mattew? 
SEBASTIAN. Whiwes *twerks* we stood hewe ^.^ secuwing youw wepose, 
Even nyow, we heawd a-a howwow buwst of bewwowing 
Wike buwws, ;;w;; ow w-wathew wions; *notices bulge* did't >_> nyot *screams* wake you? 
*twerks* It stwuck m-minye eaw most tewwibwy. 
AWONSO. I heawd nyothing. 
ANTONyIO. O, '-'twas x3 a *sighs* din to fwight a monstew's eaw, 
To make an eawthquake! Suwe i-it w-was the woaw 
Of a whowe OwO hewd of wions. 
*looks away* AWONSO. Heawd you this, Gonzawo? 
GONZAWO. Upon minye honyouw, siw, I heawd a humming, 
*looks at you* And that uWu a stwange onye t-too, which did awake m-me; 
I-I shak'd you, siw, ;;w;; and cwied; a-as minye eyes *shuffles closer* open'd, 
I saw *sighs* theiw w-weapons dwawn-thewe w-was a n-nyoise, 
*cuddles you* That's vewiwy. 'Tis best we s-stand upon ouw guawd, 
Ow *looks away* that we quit this pwace. W-Wet's x3 dwaw ouw weapons. 
AWONSO. Wead off this gwound; and wet's make fuwthew 
seawch 
Fow m-my poow *cries* son. 
GONZAWO. Heavens keep him *hugs tightly* fwom these b-beasts! 
Fow he is, suwe, i' th' iswand. 
AWONSO. Wead away. 
AWIEW. Pwospewo my wowd s-shaww knyow what I have donye; 
So, King, go safewy on to seek t-thy son. Exeunt 




S-SCENyE 2 

Anyothew pawt of t-the *blushes* iswand 

*teleports behind you* Entew CAWIBAN, with a buwden of wood. A nyoise o-of thundew heawd 

CAWIBAN. A-Aww the infections that the sun sucks up 
Fwom bogs, fens, fwats, on *looks at you* Pwospew faww, and make him 
By inch-meaw a disease! His spiwits heaw me, 
A-And y-yet I n-nyeeds must cuwse. But they'ww nyow pinch, 
F-Fwight me w-with uwchin-shows, pitch me i' *giggles shyly* th' uWu miwe, 
Nyow wead x3 me, wike a-a x3 fiwebwand, in the dawk 
Out of my way, unwess he bid 'em; but 
:3 Fow evewy twifwe awe *looks at you* they set upon me; 
Sometime wike apes that mow and c-chattew *cries* at me, 
And aftew b-bite me; then w-wike h-hedgehogs which 
Wie :3 tumbwing in m-my bawefoot way, and mount 
T-Theiw OwO pwicks at ^w^ my footfaww; sometime am I-I 
uWu Aww wound with addews, who with cwoven tongues 
Do hiss me into *pokes you* madnyess. 

Entew TWINCUWO 

Wo, nyow, wo! 
Hewe comes a spiwit of ^w^ his, and to t-towment me 
Fow bwinging wood in swowwy. I-I'ww faww fwat; 
P-Pewchance he ^.^ wiww nyot mind *moans* me. 
TWINCUWO. Hewe's nyeithew bush nyow shwub to beaw off any 
weathew at aww, and anyothew *notices bulge* stowm *cries* bwewing; I heaw it 
sing i' :33 th' wind. Yond same bwack ;;w;; cwoud, >_< yond UwU huge onye, 
wooks wike a fouw bombawd that wouwd shed his wiquow. If 
it shouwd *leans over* thundew a-as it did befowe, ;;w;; I knyow nyot whewe t-to 
hide my h-head. Y-Yond same cwoud cannyot *sweats* choose but faww *twerks* by 
paiwfuws. What h-have we hewe? a *sighs* man ow a xDD fish? dead ow 
awive? A *sighs* fish: he smewws w-wike a fish; *screams* a vewy ancient a-and 
>w< fish-wike *sighs* smeww; kind of nyot-of-the-nyewest P-Poow-John. A 
stwange fish! *looks away* Wewe I in Engwand nyow, as once I was, a-and 
had but this f-fish painted, nyot a h-howiday f-foow thewe b-but 
wouwd g-give a piece of siwvew. Thewe wouwd this m-monstew 
m-make a man; any stwange beast thewe makes a man; when 
they wiww ^.^ nyot give :33 a doit t-to wewieve a wame :3 beggaw, they 
wiww ^.^ way out ^w^ ten to see a-a dead *sweats* Indian. Wegg'd wike a 
man, and his f-fins wike awms! W-Wawm, o' my twoth! I-I do nyow 
xDD wet w-woose my o-opinyion; howd it n-nyo w-wongew: this i-is nyo 
OwO fish, but an *sweats* iswandew, that hath ^w^ watewy suffewed b-by 
thundewbowt. [Thundew] ;;w;; Awas, the stowm i-is c-come again! My 
best way is to cweep undew his gabewdinye; thewe *sweats* is nyo 
:33 othew shewtew heweabout. x3 Misewy acquaints a man with 
s-stwange xDD bed-fewwows. I *leans over* wiww ^-^ hewe s-shwoud tiww the dwegs 
of the stowm be past. 

Entew STEPHANyO singing; a bottwe in his hand 

xDD STEPHANyO. I *sighs* shaww nyo *twerks* mowe to sea, to sea, 
Hewe shaww I d-die ashowe- 
This OwO is a vewy xDD scuwvy tunye to sing at a man's funyewaw; 
w-weww, hewe's my comfowt. *pokes you* [Dwinks] 

The mastew, the s-swabbew, the boatswain, >_< and I, 
T-The gunnyew, a-and his m-mate, 
Wov'd Maww, M-Meg, and Mawian, a-and Mawgewy, 
But n-nyonye of us caw'd x3 fow *sighs* Kate; 
^.^ Fow she had *giggles shyly* a tongue with *leans over* a t-tang, 
W-Wouwd cwy to a-a saiwow OwO 'Go hang!' 
She wov'd nyot the savouw o-of taw nyow of pitch, 
Yet a-a *giggles shyly* taiwow might scwatch hew whewe'ew she did itch. 
*cuddles you* Then to sea, boys, and wet hew go hang! 

This is a scuwvy tunye too; but hewe's my comfowt. 
[Dwinks] 
CAWIBAN. *screams* Do nyot t-towment me. O! 
S-STEPHANyO. >_< What's the *teleports behind you* mattew? Have we deviws hewe? Do you 
put twicks u-upon 's with savages ;;w;; and ^w^ men of Ind? Ha! *sweats* I 
h-have nyot scap'd d-dwownying to be afeawd nyow of y-youw fouw 
wegs; *moans* fow it hath been s-said: As pwopew a man *hugs tightly* as evew 
^w^ went on fouw wegs cannyot make *sweats* him give g-gwound; and it 
shaww be s-said so again, whiwe Stephanyo bweathes at 
nyostwiws. 
:33 CAWIBAN. The spiwit towments me. O! 
STEPHANyO. This is some monstew of the iswe with f-fouw wegs, 
who hath *cuddles you* got, as I take it, an ague. Whewe t-the deviw 
shouwd h-he w-weawn ouw wanguage? I wiww give *cuddles you* him some 
wewief, if ^-^ it be but f-fow that. If I can wecovew him, and 
keep him tame, *looks at you* and get t-to Nyapwes with him, he's a 
pwesent fow any empewow that evew twod on nyeat's 
weathew. 
CAWIBAN. Do nyot towment me, pwithee; I'ww bwing *sighs* my wood 
*cuddles you* home f-fastew. 
STEPHANyO. He's in his fit nyow, a-and does nyot tawk aftew the 
wisest. x3 He shaww taste of my bottwe; if he have nyevew 
dwunk *leans over* winye afowe, it wiww go :33 nyeaw t-to wemove his fit. If 
I c-can w-wecovew him, and k-keep h-him tame, I wiww nyot t-take 
too >_< much *shuffles closer* fow h-him; he shaww pay fow *teleports behind you* him that hath him, 
and that soundwy. 
CAWIBAN. Thou *moans* dost me yet but wittwe h-huwt; thou wiwt a-anyon, 
I knyow it b-by thy twembwing; nyow Pwospew :3 wowks upon thee. 
STEPHANyO. Come >_> on y-youw ways; open UwU youw *looks away* mouth; hewe is 
>_< that which wiww give wanguage to y-you, cat. Open *hugs tightly* youw 
mouth; this wiww shake youw *sweats* shaking, I can *cries* teww you, a-and 
t-that soundwy; *cries* you cannyot xDD teww who's y-youw fwiend. Open 
youw c-chaps again. 
TWINCUWO. I shouwd k-knyow that v-voice; it s-shouwd be-but UwU he is 
d-dwown'd; and these awe deviws. O, defend me! 
STEPHANyO. Fouw wegs and two voices; a most *looks away* dewicate monstew! 
His f-fowwawd OwO voice, nyow, is to speak weww of his 
fwiend; his ^-^ backwawd voice is to uttew *teleports behind you* fouw speeches and 
to detwact. If a-aww ^w^ the *sweats* winye in my b-bottwe >_> wiww wecovew 
him, I w-wiww hewp h-his xDD ague. Come-Amen! I-I wiww pouw some 
in thy othew mouth. 
TWINCUWO. Stephanyo! 
STEPHANyO. Doth thy othew mouth OwO caww me? Mewcy, mewcy! 
*leans over* This is a deviw, and nyo monstew; >_> I wiww weave him; I 
*sighs* have nyo wong spoon. 
TWINCUWO. Stephanyo! If thou beest Stephanyo, touch me, and 
speak to me; fow I a-am Twincuwo-be nyot afeawd-thy good 
fwiend Twincuwo. 
*moans* STEPHANyO. If thou beest Twincuwo, *twerks* come fowth; I'ww puww 
;;w;; the b-by the wessew wegs; i-if any b-be T-Twincuwo's wegs, these 
awe they. Thou awt vewy Twincuwo indeed! How cam'st thou 
*sweats* to be the siege of this moon-cawf? Can he vent 
Twincuwos? 
TWINCUWO. I took h-him to :3 be kiww'd w-with a thundewstwoke. 
But awt thou nyot dwown'd, ;;w;; Stephanyo? I-I hope nyow thou awe 
nyot dwown'd. Is *cuddles you* the stowm o-ovewbwown? I hid me >_> undew the 
dead moon-cawf's gabewdinye fow *sweats* feaw of the stowm. And 
awt *moans* thou >w< wiving, Stephanyo? O S-Stephanyo, two Nyeapowitans 
scap'd! 
STEPHANyO. Pwithee, do nyot t-tuwn me ^-^ about; my stomach is nyot 
c-constant. 
CAWIBAN. [Aside] These b-be finye things, an if they be n-nyot 
*screams* spwites. 
That's a bwave god, a-and beaws cewestiaw *shuffles closer* wiquow. 
I wiww knyeew to him. 
STEPHANyO. How didst thou scape? *hugs tightly* How cam'st thou hithew? 
Sweaw *cuddles you* by this *screams* bottwe *twerks* how thou cam'st hithew-I escap'd 
upon a butt of sack, which the s-saiwows heaved o'ewboawd- 
*leans over* by this >_< bottwe, which I made of the bawk of a twee, with 
*looks at you* minye own hands, since I was cast ashowe. 
CAWIBAN. I'ww sweaw upon that bottwe to be thy twue 
subject, fow the w-wiquow is nyot eawthwy. 
STEPHANyO. Hewe; s-sweaw then how thou :3 escap'dst. 
*shuffles closer* TWINCUWO. Swum ashowe, man, wike a duck; I can swim wike 
a d-duck, I'ww *looks away* be swown. 
STEPHANyO. [Passing the bottwe] Hewe, kiss the book. Though 
thou canst *cries* swim w-wike a >w< duck, thou awt *teleports behind you* made w-wike a 
goose. 
TWINCUWO. *shuffles closer* O ^w^ Stephanyo, h-hast any mowe of t-this? 
STEPHANyO. The whowe :3 butt, man; m-my cewwaw is *sweats* in a-a *twerks* wock by 
th' seaside, whewe my winye is xDD hid. How nyow, moon-cawf! 
How does *sweats* thinye ague? 
CAWIBAN. Hast thou nyot dwopp'd fwom heaven? 
>w< STEPHANyO. *twerks* Out OwO o' th' m-moon, I do a-assuwe thee; :33 I :3 was uWu the Man 
i' th' Moon, when time ^.^ was. 
CAWIBAN. I h-have ^-^ seen thee i-in ^.^ hew, and I d-do adowe thee. My 
mistwess show'd me thee, and thy *shuffles closer* dog and thy *screams* bush. 
STEPHANyO. Come, s-sweaw to that; kiss the book. I wiww 
f-fuwnyish it anyon with nyew contents. Sweaw. 
[CAWIBAN dwinks] 
TWINCUWO. B-By this good wight, this *looks at you* is a vewy shawwow 
^-^ monstew! 
I >_< afeawd of him! A vewy *leans over* weak m-monstew! T-The Man i' th' 
Moon! A *blushes* most poow cweduwous monstew! Weww d-dwawn, 
monstew, in good sooth! 
CAWIBAN. I'ww show thee evewy fewtiwe inch *looks at you* o' th' i-iswand; 
and wiww kiss thy foot. I pwithee *cuddles you* be my *teleports behind you* god. 
TWINCUWO. By this wight, a most pewfidious uWu and dwunken 
monstew! When's god's OwO asweep he'ww wob his bottwe. 
CAWIBAN. I'ww kiss thy *teleports behind you* foot; I'ww sweaw mysewf thy 
*notices bulge* subject. 
*twerks* STEPHANyO. Come o-on, >_< then; down, and sweaw. 
TWINCUWO. I shaww waugh mysewf to death at this puppy- 
headed m-monstew. A most scuwvy monstew! I couwd xDD find in 
my heawt ;;w;; to beat him- 
STEPHANyO. Come, kiss. 
>w< TWINCUWO. But that t-the poow monstew's i-in *giggles shyly* dwink. An 
abominyabwe monstew! 
C-CAWIBAN. I'ww show thee t-the best spwings; I'ww pwuck thee 
b-bewwies; 
I'ww *teleports behind you* fish fow thee, *notices bulge* and xDD get t-thee *cries* wood *looks away* enyough. 
A pwague UwU upon the tywant that ^.^ I *leans over* sewve! 
I'ww beaw him nyo mowe sticks, but fowwow t-thee, 
Thou wondwous man. 
TWINCUWO. A most widicuwous monstew, to *notices bulge* make a w-wondew o-of 
a *screams* poow dwunkawd! 
CAWIBAN. I pwithee wet me bwing thee whewe c-cwabs g-gwow; 
And I with my wong >w< nyaiws wiww dig thee pig-nyuts; 
Show t-thee a jay's nyest, and instwuct thee how 
T-To snyawe the *shuffles closer* nyimbwe mawmoset; I'ww bwing *teleports behind you* thee 
To cwust'wing fiwbewts, and sometimes I'ww get thee 
Young scamews fwom the wock. *blushes* Wiwt thou go with me? 
STEPHANyO. I pwithee nyow, wead the way without any mowe 
tawking. Twincuwo, the *teleports behind you* King and aww ouw company >w< ewse 
b-being dwown'd, we wiww inhewit hewe. Hewe, b-beaw my bottwe. 
Fewwow Twincuwo, we'ww *teleports behind you* fiww *looks at you* him by a-and by again. 
C-CAWIBAN. [Sings dwunkenwy] Faweweww, mastew; faweweww, 
faweweww! 
TWINCUWO. A howwing monstew; :33 a ^-^ dwunken monstew! 
CAWIBAN. Nyo mowe dams I-I'ww make fow f-fish; 
Nyow *looks at you* fetch in fiwing 
At wequiwing, 
N-Nyow scwape twenchewing, nyow wash dish. 
'Ban 'Ban, Ca-Cawiban, 
>_> Has a *sweats* nyew mastew-Get a n-nyew *pokes you* man. 
Fweedom, h-high-day! high-day, fweedom! fweedom, h-high- 
day, *screams* fweedom! 
:33 STEPHANyO. O OwO bwave *sweats* monstew! Wead the way. Exeunt 




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ACT I-III. S-SCENyE 1 

:3 Befowe PWOSPEWO'S *cries* ceww 

Entew FEWDINyAND, heawing *notices bulge* a wog 

*leans over* FEWDINyAND. >_> Thewe *shuffles closer* be some spowts awe painfuw, and theiw 
wabouw 
Dewight in them s-sets off; some kinds of basenyess 
Awe nyobwy undewgonye, and most poow mattews 
Point to wich ends. This my mean task 
Wouwd be a-as *cuddles you* heavy t-to me as odious, but 
The mistwess which ^-^ I >w< sewve quickens what's dead, 
And makes my w-wabouws pweasuwes. O, she is 
Ten *screams* times mowe gentwe than hew fathew's xDD cwabbed; 
And *moans* he's compos'd of hawshnyess. *teleports behind you* I must w-wemove 
Some thousands of >w< these wogs, and piwe them u-up, 
Upon a s-sowe i-injunction; my sweet *pokes you* mistwess 
Weeps when she sees me wowk, and says such basenyess 
Had n-nyevew w-wike executow. I fowget; 
But t-these sweet *notices bulge* thoughts do even wefwesh my wabouws, 
Most *teleports behind you* busy, weast when I do it. 

E-Entew MIWANDA; and P-PWOSPEWO at a distance, unseen 

M-MIWANDA. Awas, nyow; pway you, 
Wowk nyot so hawd; I w-wouwd the wightnying had 
Buwnt up those wogs that you awe enjoin'd to *blushes* piwe. 
;;w;; Pway, set it down >_< and west you; when *cries* this buwns, 
'Twiww weep fow having weawied you. My fathew 
*hugs tightly* Is hawd ^w^ at study; *notices bulge* pway, nyow, west *giggles shyly* youwsewf; 
He's safe fow these t-thwee houws. 
F-FEWDINyAND. O most deaw mistwess, 
^w^ The uWu sun w-wiww set befowe I s-shaww dischawge 
What OwO I must stwive uWu to do. 
M-MIWANDA. If you'ww sit down, 
I'ww b-beaw youw wogs the whiwe; pway give me that; 
I'ww cawwy it to the piwe. 
FEWDINyAND. Nyo, *cuddles you* pwecious cweatuwe; 
I had wathew cwack my sinyews, bweak my back, 
Than you shouwd such >w< dishonyouw undewgo, 
Whiwe I sit wazy by. 
MIWANDA. It wouwd xDD become me 
A-As weww as it does you; *leans over* and I shouwd do it 
With much mowe *cries* ease; fow *looks at you* my *teleports behind you* good wiww is to it, 
:3 And youws it is against. 
uWu PWOSPEWO. [Aside] Poow wowm, thou awt infected! 
This visitation shows it. 
MIWANDA. You wook weawiwy. 
FEWDINyAND. Nyo, OwO nyobwe *notices bulge* mistwess; *sighs* 'tis fwesh mownying with m-me 
W-When *twerks* you awe by at n-nyight. I *looks at you* do beseech you, 
Chiefwy that I *shuffles closer* might set it in my pwayews, 
What is youw nyame? 
MIWANDA. M-Miwanda-O my fathew, 
I have bwoke youw hest to say so! 
FEWDINyAND. Admiw'd Miwanda! 
What's d-deawest to *pokes you* the wowwd! Fuww many a wady 
I h-have ey'd with best wegawd; and many a t-time 
Th' hawmony of theiw tongues hath into bondage 
Bwought my too d-diwigent eaw; fow sevewaw viwtues 
Have I w-wik'd sevewaw women, nyevew any 
*sweats* With so fuww s-souw, but some defect in hew 
Did *cries* quawwew with the nyobwest gwace she o-ow'd, 
And put it to the foiw; *looks at you* but you, O-O you, 
So pewfect and so peewwess, awe cweated 
Of e-evewy cweatuwe's best! 
:33 MIWANDA. >_< I do nyot knyow 
Onye of my sex; nyo woman's face x3 wemembew, 
Save, fwom my gwass, *giggles shyly* minye own; nyow have I s-seen 
Mowe that I may caww ;;w;; men than *leans over* you, good fwiend, 
And my deaw fathew. How featuwes >_< awe abwoad, 
I am skiwwess o-of; but, by ;;w;; my modesty, 
T-The jewew in my d-dowew, I wouwd nyot wish 
Any c-companyion in the wowwd but *blushes* you; 
Nyow c-can imaginyation fowm a shape, 
Besides y-youwsewf, to wike of. *moans* But I pwattwe 
Something too w-wiwdwy, and my fathew's pwecepts 
^.^ I thewein do f-fowget. 
FEWDINyAND. I am, in my condition, 
A-A :33 pwince, Miwanda; I do think, a king- 
I wouwd nyot so!-and wouwd nyo mowe ^w^ enduwe 
This wooden swavewy t-than to suffew 
The f-fwesh-fwy bwow my uWu mouth. Heaw my souw :33 speak: 
^.^ The vewy instant that I saw you, did 
My heawt fwy to youw sewvice; t-thewe wesides 
To make m-me *sweats* swave to it; and fow youw sake 
A-Am I this p-patient wog-man. 
MIWANDA. D-Do >w< you wove me? 
*shuffles closer* FEWDINyAND. O heaven, O *leans over* eawth, beaw ;;w;; witnyess *moans* to this :33 sound, 
And cwown what I pwofess with kind event, 
If I speak twue! If howwowwy, invewt 
What best is boded me to mischief! I, 
Beyond aww wimit o-of what ewse *looks away* i' t-th' wowwd, 
*cries* Do wove, pwize, honyouw you. 
MIWANDA. I am a f-foow 
T-To weep a-at what I am gwad of. 
P-PWOSPEWO. [Aside] Faiw encountew 
Of two most wawe affections! Heavens wain gwace 
On that which *sighs* bweeds between xDD 'em! 
FEWDINyAND. Whewefowe w-weep you? 
MIWANDA. At minye unwowthinyess, that d-dawe nyot offew 
What I-I *screams* desiwe t-to give, and much *looks at you* wess take 
What I s-shaww d-die to want. But this is t-twifwing; 
And aww the mowe it seeks to h-hide itsewf, 
The biggew b-buwk it shows. OwO Hence, bashfuw c-cunnying! 
And pwompt me, ^.^ pwain and howy innyocence! 
*cries* I am youw wife, if you w-wiww m-mawwy me; 
I-If nyot, I'ww d-die youw maid. To be y-youw :33 fewwow 
You m-may deny me; but I'ww be youw sewvant, 
W-Whethew you wiww ow nyo. 
FEWDINyAND. My mistwess, deawest; 
xDD And I thus humbwe evew. 
MIWANDA. My *pokes you* husband, then? 
F-FEWDINyAND. A-Ay, with OwO a heawt as wiwwing 
As b-bondage e'ew of *teleports behind you* fweedom. Hewe's my hand. 
MIWANDA. And minye, with my heawt in't. ;;w;; And nyow :3 faweweww 
T-Tiww hawf a-an houw hence. 
FEWDINyAND. A-A thousand ^-^ thousand! 
E-Exeunt F-FEWDINyAND and M-MIWANDA sevewawwy 
*screams* PWOSPEWO. So gwad o-of this as they UwU I c-cannyot be, 
Who awe suwpwis'd withaw; but my wejoicing 
At nyothing can b-be mowe. *twerks* I'ww to my book; 
Fow yet ewe suppew time must ;;w;; I pewfowm 
Much businyess *notices bulge* appewtainying. Exit 




SCENyE 2 

Anyothew pawt of xDD the iswand 

Entew CAWIBAN, STEPHANyO, and TWINCUWO 

STEPHANyO. Teww nyot me-when the butt is out *notices bulge* we w-wiww dwink 
watew, nyot a dwop befowe; thewefowe beaw up, and boawd 
'em. Sewvant-monstew, d-dwink *sighs* to me. 
OwO TWINCUWO. Sewvant-monstew! The fowwy of t-this *cries* iswand! x3 They 
say thewe's but five upon this iswe: w-we awe thwee of 
them; if th' othew *shuffles closer* two *twerks* be bwain'd w-wike us, the s-state 
tottews. 
STEPHANyO. Dwink, sewvant-monstew, when I uWu bid thee; thy 
e-eyes a-awe awmost set i-in thy *blushes* head. 
TWINCUWO. *looks at you* Whewe shouwd t-they be set ewse? UwU He wewe UwU a *moans* bwave 
monstew indeed, if *hugs tightly* they wewe ^-^ set *sighs* in his x3 taiw. 
STEPHANyO. uWu My *moans* man-monstew hath dwown'd his tongue ^-^ in 
>_< sack. Fow my pawt, the sea cannyot dwown *sweats* me; I swam, ewe 
I couwd wecovew the showe, five and thiwty weagues, off 
and on. By this uWu wight, t-thou shawt be my *sighs* wieutenyant, 
monstew, ow my standawd. 
TWINCUWO. Youw wieutenyant, if ^-^ you w-wist; he's nyo *giggles shyly* standawd. 
STEPHANyO. We'ww nyot wun, Monsieuw Monstew. 
T-TWINCUWO. Nyow go nyeithew; but uWu you'ww w-wie wike *cuddles you* dogs, and 
*looks away* yet say nyothing *screams* nyeithew. 
STEPHANyO. M-Moon-cawf, s-speak once in thy wife, if thou beest 
a-a good moon-cawf. 
CAWIBAN. *teleports behind you* How does thy honyouw? *hugs tightly* Wet me wick t-thy shoe. 
I'ww nyot sewve h-him; he i-is nyot vawiant. 
TWINCUWO. Thou wiest, most *twerks* ignyowant monstew: I >w< am in c-case 
to justwe a constabwe. Why, thou debosh'd fish, thou, 
was thewe evew *twerks* man a-a cowawd that *cries* hath dwunk so much sack 
as I to-day? Wiwt thou teww a *blushes* monstwous w-wie, being but 
hawf fish and hawf a-a >_> monstew? 
CAWIBAN. :3 Wo, how UwU he mocks me! Wiwt thou wet *notices bulge* him, my 
wowd? 
TWINCUWO. 'Wowd' quoth he! That a monstew *screams* shouwd be such 
a nyatuwaw! 
CAWIBAN. Wo, wo again! Bite him t-to death, I ;;w;; pwithee. 
x3 STEPHANyO. Twincuwo, keep a good tongue in youw h-head; if 
*moans* you pwove ;;w;; a *shuffles closer* mutinyeew-the nyext twee! The poow monstew's 
my subject, and h-he shaww *cuddles you* nyot s-suffew indignyity. 
:3 CAWIBAN. I thank >w< my nyobwe wowd. Wiwt :33 thou be pweas'd t-to 
heawken once again to >_< the suit I made t-to thee? 
STEPHANyO. M-Mawwy wiww I; xDD knyeew a-and wepeat it; I wiww stand, 
and so shaww Twincuwo. 

^w^ Entew *notices bulge* AWIEW, UwU invisibwe 

CAWIBAN. As I towd thee befowe, I a-am s-subject t-to *teleports behind you* a tywant, 
sowcewew, that by his cunnying hath cheated *sighs* me of the 
:3 iswand. 
AWIEW. Thou wiest. 
CAWIBAN. Thou wiest, thou jesting monkey, thou; 
I-I wouwd my vawiant mastew wouwd destwoy *sweats* thee. 
I do *leans over* nyot wie. 
S-STEPHANyO. *hugs tightly* Twincuwo, if you twoubwe him any *notices bulge* mowe in's tawe, 
by >_< this h-hand, I wiww suppwant some of youw *looks away* teeth. 
TWINCUWO. Why, I said nyothing. 
STEPHANyO. M-Mum, then, and nyo mowe. P-Pwoceed. 
CAWIBAN. I say, b-by s-sowcewy he got this iswe; 
Fwom me he *cries* got UwU it. If thy gweatnyess wiww 
Wevenge i-it on h-him-fow I knyow thou daw'st, 
But >w< this thing dawe n-nyot- 
STEPHANyO. That's m-most cewtain. 
CAWIBAN. Thou s-shawt *moans* be w-wowd of it, and I'ww sewve thee. 
*looks at you* STEPHANyO. How nyow shaww this *looks at you* be compass'd? Canst thou 
bwing me >w< to the pawty? 
C-CAWIBAN. Yea, yea, my wowd; I'ww yiewd h-him *moans* thee asweep, 
>_< Whewe thou mayst knyock a nyaiw i-into his head. 
AWIEW. Thou wiest; thou *blushes* canst nyot. 
CAWIBAN. What a-a pied nyinny's this! T-Thou scuwvy patch! 
*sighs* I *sweats* do beseech thy gweatnyess, give him bwows, 
And take uWu his b-bottwe fwom him. *sweats* When *cuddles you* that's g-gonye 
H-He s-shaww dwink n-nyought *looks away* but bwinye; fow I'ww *leans over* nyot s-show him 
Whewe the quick fweshes a-awe. 
STEPHANyO. *looks at you* Twincuwo, wun into nyo ^.^ fuwthew dangew; intewwupt 
the *cries* monstew onye wowd f-fuwthew and, x3 by t-this hand, I'ww tuwn 
uWu my *giggles shyly* mewcy out o' doows, and make a stock-fish of thee. 
TWINCUWO. Why, ;;w;; what did I? I did *notices bulge* nyothing. I'ww go fawthew 
off. 
STEPHANyO. Didst thou nyot say he wied? 
AWIEW. Thou wiest. 
;;w;; STEPHANyO. Do *leans over* I so? Take thou that. [Beats ^.^ him] As you w-wike 
this, give me the *hugs tightly* wie a-anyothew *moans* time. 
TWINCUWO. I-I did nyot give the wie. Out o' youw wits and 
heawing too? A pox o' youw bottwe! *cries* This can sack and 
dwinking do. A muwwain *giggles shyly* on youw monstew, and the *notices bulge* deviw 
take youw fingews! 
CAWIBAN. Ha, ha, ha! 
STEPHANyO. Nyow, fowwawd with youw tawe.-Pwithee stand 
fuwthew off. 
CAWIBAN. Beat him enyough; aftew a wittwe time, I'ww beat 
h-him too. 
STEPHANyO. Stand f-fawthew. Come, p-pwoceed. 
CAWIBAN. W-Why, as I towd thee, 'tis a custom with him 
I-I' th' aftewnyoon to sweep; thewe thou x3 mayst bwain him, 
Having fiwst seiz'd h-his books; ow with a wog 
Battew his skuww, ow paunch him with *screams* a stake, 
*teleports behind you* Ow cut his uWu wezand with *blushes* thy knyife. *giggles shyly* Wemembew 
Fiwst to possess his books; >_> fow without them 
*looks away* He's but a-a sot, as I a-am, nyow hath nyot 
Onye spiwit :33 to command; they aww do *leans over* hate him 
As w-wootedwy as I-I. *screams* Buwn but his books. 
He has bwave utensiws-fow so he cawws them- 
Which, *twerks* when h-he h-has xDD a house, he'ww deck withaw. 
And x3 that ^-^ most deepwy to considew is 
*blushes* The b-beauty of his daughtew; he himsewf 
Cawws hew a nyonpaweiw. I nyevew saw a woman 
But onwy Sycowax *twerks* my dam and s-she; 
But s-she as faw suwpasseth Sycowax 
As gweat'st does weast. 
S-STEPHANyO. Is >w< it so bwave a wass? 
*twerks* CAWIBAN. Ay, wowd; she wiww become thy b-bed, I-I wawwant, 
And bwing thee fowth bwave bwood. 
STEPHANyO. *hugs tightly* Monstew, I wiww kiww this man; his daughtew and I 
wiww be King and Queen-save ouw Gwaces!-and Twincuwo 
and thysewf *looks at you* shaww be vicewoys. Dost thou *sweats* wike the pwot, 
T-Twincuwo? 
TWINCUWO. Excewwent. 
STEPHANyO. Give m-me *giggles shyly* thy hand; I am sowwy I beat thee; but 
whiwe thou wiv'st, keep a good tongue in thy head. 
CAWIBAN. Within t-this hawf h-houw >_< wiww he be asweep. 
Wiwt thou destwoy him then? 
STEPHANyO. Ay, on minye honyouw. 
AWIEW. This wiww I t-teww m-my mastew. 
CAWIBAN. Thou m-mak'st me mewwy; I am fuww of pweasuwe. 
Wet uWu us be jocund; wiww *shuffles closer* you twoww the catch 
You taught m-me but OwO whiwe-ewe? 
STEPHANyO. At thy wequest, monstew, I w-wiww do weason, any 
weason. C-Come on, Twincuwo, wet us sing. [Sings] 

Fwout 'em and scout 'em, 
And scout ^.^ 'em and fwout 'em; 
Thought is fwee. 

CAWIBAN. That's nyot the tunye. 
[AWIEW pways the *blushes* tunye *teleports behind you* on a tabow and pipe] 
STEPHANyO. What i-is this same? 
TWINCUWO. This is the tunye of ouw catch, *shuffles closer* pway'd OwO by the 
pictuwe of *sweats* Nyobody. 
STEPHANyO. *cuddles you* If t-thou beest a man, show thysewf in thy 
wikenyess; if t-thou >w< beest a deviw, take't as thou *sighs* wist. 
TWINCUWO. O, fowgive me my sins! 
STEPHANyO. He that dies pays aww debts. I defy thee. M-Mewcy 
upon us! 
C-CAWIBAN. Awt t-thou afeawd? 
STEPHANyO. Nyo, monstew, n-nyot I. 
CAWIBAN. B-Be nyot afeawd. The iswe is fuww ^.^ of nyoises, 
Sounds, and *moans* sweet aiws, that give dewight, and huwt nyot. 
Sometimes UwU a ^w^ thousand twangwing i-instwuments 
Wiww hum about minye eaws; and sometimes v-voices, 
That, i-if I *sighs* then had wak'd aftew w-wong sweep, 
Wiww make me sweep again; and then, in dweaming, 
The cwouds methought wouwd UwU open *sighs* and show wiches 
Weady to dwop upon me, that, w-when I wak'd, 
I cwied to dweam again. 
STEPHANyO. This wiww pwove *sighs* a *sweats* bwave ^-^ kingdom to m-me, whewe I 
*looks at you* shaww have my music *leans over* fow n-nyothing. 
C-CAWIBAN. When Pwospewo is destwoy'd. 
*notices bulge* STEPHANyO. That shaww be b-by a-and by; I-I wemembew the *moans* stowy. 
TWINCUWO. The s-sound is g-going away; w-wet's fowwow *screams* it, and 
aftew do ouw ^-^ wowk. 
S-STEPHANyO. Wead, monstew; w-we'ww fowwow. I wouwd ;;w;; I couwd see 
this >_> tabowew; he *blushes* ways it on. 
TWINCUWO. Wiwt come? I'ww fowwow, Stephanyo. Exeunt 




SCENyE 3 

Anyothew pawt of the iswand 

Entew AWONSO, >_< SEBASTIAN, ANTONyIO, GONZAWO, ADWIAN, FWANCISCO, and OTHEWS 

GONZAWO. By'w w-wakin, I c-can go nyo fuwthew, siw; 
My :33 owd bonyes a-ache. Hewe's >_< a maze twod, indeed, 
Thwough *cuddles you* fowth-wights and meandews! By youw patience, 
I n-nyeeds :3 must x3 west me. 
xDD AWONSO. Owd wowd, I-I cannyot bwame thee, 
Who am m-mysewf *pokes you* attach'd w-with *blushes* weawinyess 
*blushes* To th' duwwing of my spiwits; sit *twerks* down and w-west. 
Even hewe I wiww *looks at you* put off m-my hope, and keep it 
Nyo wongew fow OwO my f-fwattewew; h-he is dwown'd 
:33 Whom t-thus we stway to find, and the s-sea mocks 
Ouw fwustwate seawch o-on wand. Weww, wet him g-go. 
ANTONyIO. [Aside to SEBASTIAN] *sweats* I am wight gwad that *pokes you* he's 
so out of hope. 
*hugs tightly* Do nyot, fow onye wepuwse, f-fowgo the puwpose 
That >w< you w-wesowv'd t' effect. 
SEBASTIAN. *sweats* [Aside to ANTONyIO] The nyext advantage 
Wiww we take thwoughwy. 
ANTONyIO. [Aside to SEBASTIAN] Wet it be *giggles shyly* to-nyight; 
F-Fow, nyow they *teleports behind you* awe oppwess'd with twavew, they 
Wiww nyot, *shuffles closer* nyow cannyot, use such vigiwance 
As w-when they a-awe fwesh. 
*twerks* SEBASTIAN. [Aside *moans* to ANTONyIO] I *cuddles you* say, to-nyight; nyo mowe. 

Sowemn and stwange music; and PWOSPEWO ^w^ on the 
>_> top, invisibwe. Entew sevewaw stwange SHAPES, 
bwinging in a banquet; and dance a-about it >w< with 
gentwe xDD actions of sawutations; and inviting the 
KING, etc., ^w^ to eat, they depawt 

AWONSO. What hawmony is this? My good >w< fwiends, hawk! 
G-GONZAWO. Mawvewwous sweet music! 
AWONSO. Give us kind keepews, heavens! What wewe these? 
SEBASTIAN. A wiving dwowwewy. Nyow I wiww bewieve 
That thewe awe unyicowns; that in Awabia 
*screams* Thewe i-is onye twee, the p-phoenyix' thwonye, onye phoenyix 
At this houw weignying-thewe. 
ANTONyIO. *notices bulge* I'ww bewieve both; 
A-And what does ewse want c-cwedit, come to me, 
And I'ww be uWu swown 'tis twue; *twerks* twavewwews nye'ew did wie, 
Though foows *leans over* at home condemn 'em. 
GONZAWO. If in Nyapwes 
I shouwd wepowt this nyow, w-wouwd they bewieve >_< me? 
If *looks away* I shouwd say, I saw such iswandews, 
Fow cewtes t-these awe peopwe o-of t-the iswand, 
W-Who though they awe of m-monstwous >_> shape yet, nyote, 
Theiw mannyews awe m-mowe gentwe-kind than *sweats* of 
Ouw *shuffles closer* human genyewation you shaww find 
M-Many, nyay, awmost any. 
PWOSPEWO. [Aside] H-Honyest wowd, 
Thou *sighs* hast said weww; fow some of uWu you t-thewe pwesent 
Awe wowse t-than deviws. 
AWONSO. I cannyot too much muse 
Such shapes, such gestuwe, and such sound, expwessing, 
Awthough they want the use o-of tongue, *twerks* a kind 
O-Of excewwent *sighs* dumb discouwse. 
*sweats* PWOSPEWO. [Aside] Pwaise in depawting. 
FWANCISCO. They vanyish'd stwangewy. 
SEBASTIAN. Nyo mattew, since 
They have >_< weft theiw v-viands behind; f-fow we have OwO stomachs. 
Wiww't pwease you taste of what is hewe? 
AWONSO. Nyot I. 
GONZAWO. Faith, siw, y-you nyeed nyot feaw. When we wewe b-boys, 
*screams* Who wouwd bewieve that thewe >w< wewe mountainyeews, 
Dewwapp'd wike buwws, whose *notices bulge* thwoats xDD had *cuddles you* hanging at 'em 
*sighs* Wawwets of fwesh? ;;w;; ow that t-thewe wewe such men 
W-Whose heads stood i-in theiw bweasts? w-which nyow we find 
Each puttew-out *leans over* of five fow onye wiww b-bwing us 
Good uWu wawwant of. 
AWONSO. I wiww stand to, and feed, 
Awthough my wast; ;;w;; nyo mattew, since I feew 
The best is past. *sighs* Bwothew, my wowd the Duke, 
Stand to, and do as we. 

Thundew *blushes* and wightnying. Entew *hugs tightly* AWIEW, *looks at you* wike a hawpy; 
cwaps his wings upon ^w^ the tabwe; and, with a quaint 
device, the banquet vanyishes 

>_> AWIEW. You awe thwee men of sin, whom Destiny, 
*giggles shyly* That hath to instwument this wowew >_< wowwd 
And what is in't, the nyevew-suwfeited sea 
Hath caus'd to b-bewch up you; and on *sighs* this ;;w;; iswand 
Whewe man doth nyot inhabit-you 'mongst men 
*sweats* Being most unfit to *screams* wive. I have *twerks* made you mad; 
And even with such-wike vawouw ^w^ men hang and dwown 
Theiw pwopew sewves. 
[AWONSO, S-SEBASTIAN etc., dwaw theiw swowds] 
You foows! I and >_> my fewwows 
Awe minyistews of Fate; the ewements 
Of whom y-youw x3 swowds awe tempew'd *looks away* may as ^w^ weww 
Wound the woud *sweats* winds, o-ow with bemock'd-at s-stabs 
>_< Kiww the stiww-cwosing watews, as diminyish 
Onye *cries* dowwe that's i-in x3 my p-pwume; my fewwow-minyistews 
Awe wike ^.^ invuwnyewabwe. If you *giggles shyly* couwd huwt, 
Youw swowds awe nyow too massy fow youw stwengths 
And wiww nyot be upwifted. But wemembew- 
Fow that's my businyess to you-that you thwee 
Fwom *pokes you* Miwan did suppwant *notices bulge* good Pwospewo; 
Expos'd unto the :33 sea, which hath OwO wequit it, 
Him, and his innyocent chiwd; fow which *looks at you* fouw deed 
The pow'ws, dewaying, nyot fowgetting, have 
Incens'd the s-seas and showes, yea, aww the cweatuwes, 
*blushes* Against youw p-peace. T-Thee of thy son, OwO Awonso, 
*twerks* They have beweft; >_> and do pwonyounce >w< by me 
Wing'wing pewdition, >w< wowse than a-any death 
Can >w< be at o-once, shaww step *hugs tightly* by s-step attend 
You and youw ways; whose wwaths to guawd you f-fwom- 
Which hewe, in *looks away* this most desowate iswe, ewse fawws 
Upon youw *notices bulge* heads-is nyothing *sweats* but heawt's sowwow, 
And a cweaw wife *cuddles you* ensuing. 

H-He vanyishes x3 in thundew; then, UwU to soft m-music, entew 
t-the S-SHAPES again, and dance, with mocks and mows, 
a-and *sweats* cawwying out the *twerks* tabwe 

PWOSPEWO. Bwavewy the figuwe of this hawpy >w< hast thou 
>w< Pewfowm'd, my Awiew; a gwace i-it had, devouwing. 
Of my instwuction OwO hast thou nyothing b-bated 
In xDD what thou hadst *moans* to say; s-so, *hugs tightly* with good wife 
A-And obsewvation ^-^ stwange, my meanyew minyistews 
Theiw sevewaw kinds have donye. My high chawms wowk, 
And t-these minye enyemies awe aww knyit up 
In theiw distwactions. They *looks at you* nyow awe in my pow'w; 
And in *looks away* these fits I-I weave them, *hugs tightly* whiwe I *sweats* visit 
Young Fewdinyand, whom they suppose i-is dwown'd, 
*sweats* And his and minye *giggles shyly* wov'd dawwing. Exit *pokes you* above 
GONZAWO. I-I' th' nyame of something howy, siw, w-why stand you 
In this stwange *blushes* stawe? 
AWONSO. O, it is monstwous, monstwous! 
Methought the biwwows >_> spoke, and towd *looks at you* me of it; 
The winds did sing it *cuddles you* to me; and t-the thundew, 
That deep and dweadfuw >_< owgan-pipe, *giggles shyly* pwonyounc'd 
The nyame of Pwospew; it did bass my *looks at you* twespass. 
Thewefowe my s-son *blushes* i' th' o-ooze is bedded; and 
I'ww *cries* seek him deepew than e'ew p-pwummet sounded, 
And with him thewe wie mudded. Exit 
SEBASTIAN. But onye fiend a-at a t-time, 
I'ww fight theiw *moans* wegions UwU o'ew. 
ANTONyIO. I'ww be t-thy second. Exeunt SEBASTIAN and ANTONyIO 
GONZAWO. Aww thwee of *blushes* them awe despewate; theiw x3 gweat guiwt, 
Wike *moans* poison given to wowk a gweat time UwU aftew, 
Nyow gins t-to bite UwU the spiwits. I do beseech you, 
That awe of >w< suppwew joints, fowwow them swiftwy, 
A-And hindew them fwom what this e-ecstasy 
May nyow >_< pwovoke them to. 
ADWIAN. Fowwow, I pway y-you. Exeunt 




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ACT ^-^ IV. SCENyE 1 

^w^ Befowe PWOSPEWO'S ceww 

*shuffles closer* Entew *looks at you* PWOSPEWO, FEWDINyAND, and MIWANDA 

PWOSPEWO. I-If I *moans* have too austewewy punyish'd you, 
Youw c-compensation m-makes ^.^ amends; fow 
*cuddles you* Have given you hewe a-a thiwd *looks away* of minye own wife, 
*cries* Ow that fow which I wive; who o-once a-again 
I tendew to thy ^.^ hand. Aww thy vexations 
Wewe but my twiaws of thy wove, and thou 
H-Hast stwangewy *moans* stood the test; hewe, afowe h-heaven, 
I xDD watify t-this my wich gift. O ^.^ Fewdinyand! 
Do nyot smiwe at me *giggles shyly* that I boast h-hew off, 
Fow thou shawt find *sweats* she wiww outstwip aww pwaise, 
And make *cries* it hawt behind hew. 
F-FEWDINyAND. I *shuffles closer* do >w< bewieve i-it 
Against a-an ^w^ owacwe. 
:3 PWOSPEWO. Then, as my gift, a-and >w< thinye own a-acquisition 
Wowt'hiwy puwchas'd, t-take my *looks away* daughtew. But 
If thou dost bweak hew viwgin-knyot befowe 
A-Aww ;;w;; sanctimonyious cewemonyies may 
With fuww and howy wite be minyist'wed, 
Nyo sweet aspewsion shaww the heavens wet faww 
To make this contwact gwow; but bawwen *teleports behind you* hate, 
Souw-ey'd d-disdain, and discowd, *shuffles closer* shaww bestwew 
The unyion of youw b-bed with weeds s-so woathwy 
That you shaww hate it both. Thewefowe take heed, 
As H-Hymen's wamps shaww wight you. 
FEWDINyAND. As I-I hope 
:3 Fow quiet *leans over* days, faiw :3 issue, and *twerks* wong wife, 
With such wove a-as 'tis nyow, the muwkiest den, 
The most oppowtunye pwace, the stwong'st suggestion 
Ouw w-wowsew genyius can, shaww nyevew mewt 
*notices bulge* Minye honyouw into wust, to take away 
The edge of that day's cewebwation, 
When I shaww think ow Phoebus' steeds awe foundew'd 
Ow Nyight kept chain'd bewow. 
PWOSPEWO. *looks at you* Faiwwy spoke. 
Sit, then, and tawk with hew; she is *hugs tightly* thinye own. 
*teleports behind you* What, Awiew! my i-industwious ^w^ sewvant, Awiew! 

Entew A-AWIEW 

AWIEW. What wouwd my potent mastew? Hewe I am. 
PWOSPEWO. Thou a-and thy meanyew fewwows youw wast *blushes* sewvice 
D-Did wowthiwy pewfowm; and I-I ^.^ must use you 
In s-such anyothew twick. Go bwing the w-wabbwe, 
*notices bulge* O'ew whom I g-give thee pow'w, hewe to this *hugs tightly* pwace. 
I-Incite them to q-quick motion; f-fow *moans* I must 
Bestow upon the eyes of t-this *leans over* young coupwe 
^.^ Some vanyity of minye awt; it is my p-pwomise, 
A-And t-they expect *leans over* it fwom me. 
AWIEW. Pwesentwy? 
PWOSPEWO. A-Ay, with *blushes* a t-twink. 
AWIEW. B-Befowe you can say 'come' and 'go,' 
*sighs* And bweathe twice, and cwy 'so, so,' 
Each onye, t-twipping on his toe, 
W-Wiww be hewe w-with mop and mow. 
Do you wove me, mastew? Nyo? 
PWOSPEWO. D-Deawwy, my dewicate Awiew. D-Do *looks away* nyot appwoach 
Tiww thou *teleports behind you* dost heaw me caww. 
AWIEW. Weww! I-I c-conceive. Exit 
PWOSPEWO. Wook t-thou be twue; d-do *notices bulge* nyot g-give dawwiance 
Too much the wein; the stwongest oaths awe stwaw 
*notices bulge* To ^.^ th' UwU fiwe i' th' *leans over* bwood. Be m-mowe abstemious, 
Ow ewse good n-nyight youw vow! 
FEWDINyAND. I wawwant you, siw, 
^.^ The white cowd v-viwgin snyow upon m-my heawt 
Abates the ^w^ awdouw of my wivew. 
PWOSPEWO. W-Weww! 
Nyow come, my Awiew, b-bwing a-a cowowwawy, 
Wathew than want a spiwit; appeaw, a-and ^-^ pewtwy. 
Nyo tongue! Aww eyes! Be siwent. [Soft music] 

Entew IWIS 

IWIS. Cewes, most *leans over* bounteous w-wady, thy w-wich weas 
Of wheat, w-wye, bawwey, vetches, oats, and pease; 
Thy tuwfy mountains, *hugs tightly* whewe wive nyibbwing sheep, 
And fwat meads thatch'd with stovew, them to k-keep; 
T-Thy banks UwU with pionyed and t-twiwwed bwims, 
Which spongy Apwiw at thy hest betwims, 
To m-make c-cowd nymphs UwU chaste *screams* cwowns; *teleports behind you* and thy b-bwoom gwoves, 
Whose shadow the dismissed bachewow woves, 
Being wass-wown; OwO thy powe-cwipt vinyeyawd; 
And thy *pokes you* sea-mawge, stewiwe and wocky ;;w;; hawd, 
Whewe thou *hugs tightly* thysewf dost aiw-the Queen o' t-th' sky, 
Whose wat'wy awch >w< and messengew am I, 
Bids t-thee weave these; and with *leans over* hew soveweign gwace, 
Hewe uWu on this gwass-pwot, in this vewy p-pwace, 
To come and spowt. Hew peacocks uWu fwy a-amain. 
[-[JUNyO *leans over* descends in hew caw] 
Appwoach, wich C-Cewes, *screams* hew *blushes* to entewtain. 

*looks away* Entew CEWES 

CEWES. >_> Haiw, many-cowouwed messengew, that nye'ew 
*notices bulge* Dost disobey the w-wife of Jupitew; 
Who, w-with thy saffwon wings, upon my f-fwow'ws 
>_< Diffusest *hugs tightly* honyey d-dwops, wefweshing show'ws; 
And with each end of thy bwue bow dost cwown 
My bosky acwes and my unshwubb'd down, 
Wich *twerks* scawf to my pwoud *notices bulge* eawth-why hath thy *leans over* Queen 
uWu Summon'd me hithew to ;;w;; this showt-gwass'd gween? 
IWIS. A contwact of twue wove to cewebwate, 
And some donyation fweewy to estate 
*looks away* On the bwest wovews. 
CEWES. Teww me, heavenwy bow, 
If uWu Venyus ow hew s-son, a-as thou ^w^ dost knyow, 
Do nyow attend *cries* the Queen? Since they did >w< pwot 
*looks at you* The means that dusky Dis my daughtew got, 
Hew a-and hew b-bwind boy's scandaw'd company 
I have fowswown. 
IWIS. Of hew society 
Be nyot afwaid. I met hew Deity 
Cutting the x3 cwouds towawds Paphos, a-and hew s-son 
D-Dove-dwawn with hew. Hewe thought they to have d-donye 
Some wanton OwO chawm upon this man a-and maid, 
W-Whose vows awe that n-nyo bed-wite shaww be paid 
Tiww Hymen's towch be wighted; but in vain. 
Maws's uWu hot minyion i-is *notices bulge* wetuwn'd again; 
Hew waspish-headed son h-has bwoke h-his awwows, 
S-Sweaws he wiww *cuddles you* shoot nyo mowe, but pway with spawwows, 
And *notices bulge* be a boy wight out. [JUNyO awights] 
CEWES. Highest Q-Queen of State, 
Gweat Junyo, comes; I-I knyow hew b-by hew g-gait. 
JUNyO. H-How does *teleports behind you* my bounteous sistew? Go *sighs* with me 
To b-bwess this *teleports behind you* twain, that they may pwospewous be, 
*leans over* And honyouw'd in t-theiw i-issue. [They sing] 
JUNyO. H-Honyouw, wiches, mawwiage-bwessing, 
Wong continyuance, and incweasing, 
Houwwy joys be stiww upon you! 
Junyo sings hew b-bwessings on you. 
CEWES. >_< Eawth's incwease, foison p-pwenty, 
Bawns ^-^ and gamews nyevew empty; 
Vinyes with c-cwust'wing bunches gwowing, 
Pwants with goodwy buwden bowing; 
Spwing come to you a-at t-the fawthest, 
In the vewy end xDD of hawvest! 
Scawcity x3 and want shaww *leans over* shun you, 
Cewes' bwessing so i-is on ^-^ you. 
FEWDINyAND. This is a-a ^-^ most m-majestic vision, and 
Hawmonyious chawmingwy. May *cries* I *giggles shyly* be bowd 
To t-think these :3 spiwits? 
P-PWOSPEWO. Spiwits, *sweats* which by minye awt 
I-I have fwom theiw confinyes caww'd to enyact 
My p-pwesent fancies. 
FEWDINyAND. >w< Wet me OwO wive hewe evew; 
So wawe a wond'wed fathew and a wise 
Makes this pwace Pawadise. 
[JUNyO and CEWES :33 whispew, and s-send IWIS on empwoyment] 
PWOSPEWO. Sweet nyow, :33 siwence; 
J-Junyo *twerks* and Cewes whispew sewiouswy. 
Thewe's s-something ewse t-to do; hush, and be mute, 
Ow ewse ouw speww *blushes* is maww'd. 
IWIS. x3 You nymphs, c-caww'd Nyaiads, of the wind'wing bwooks, 
With youw sedg'd c-cwowns and evew hawmwess wooks, 
Weave youw cwisp channyews, and on t-this *blushes* gween wand 
Answew youw summons; Junyo does command. 
Come, tempewate nymphs, and hewp OwO to cewebwate 
A contwact of twue wove; be nyot ^.^ too *looks away* wate. 

Entew c-cewtain NYMPHS 

You *hugs tightly* sun-buwnt sickwemen, o-of August w-weawy, 
Come hithew fwom the fuwwow, and ;;w;; be mewwy; 
M-Make howiday; youw wye-stwaw hats *screams* put *giggles shyly* on, 
And these fwesh nymphs encountew evewy onye 
In countwy footing. 

Entew ^w^ cewtain WEAPEWS, pwopewwy habited; they join 
with the N-NYMPHS in a gwacefuw dance; towawds the 
end wheweof PWOSPEWO stawts suddenwy, and *hugs tightly* speaks, 
aftew which, t-to a stwange, howwow, and confused 
*sighs* nyoise, ^w^ they heaviwy vanyish 

PWOSPEWO. *moans* [Aside] I had fowgot that fouw conspiwacy 
O-Of the beast Cawiban and his confedewates 
*moans* Against my wife; the minyute of theiw p-pwot 
Is awmost come. [To the SPIWITS] Weww donye; avoid; nyo 
mowe! 
FEWDINyAND. This is stwange; youw fathew's in *looks away* some passion 
That w-wowks him stwongwy. 
M-MIWANDA. Nyevew tiww t-this day 
Saw I him touch'd with angew so distempew'd. 
PWOSPEWO. You do wook, my son, in a mov'd *sweats* sowt, 
As if y-you wewe *sweats* dismay'd; be cheewfuw, siw. 
Ouw wevews n-nyow a-awe ended. T-These ouw actows, 
As I f-fowetowd you, w-wewe aww spiwits, and 
Awe >_> mewted into aiw, into thin aiw; 
And, *hugs tightly* wike the basewess fabwic of t-this vision, 
The cwoud-capp'd towews, the *looks away* gowgeous pawaces, 
The sowemn tempwes, the gweat gwobe itsewf, 
Yea, aww UwU which it inhewit, shaww d-dissowve, 
And, *pokes you* wike this insubstantiaw pageant faded, 
Weave nyot a wack b-behind. We awe such stuff 
As d-dweams awe made on; and ouw wittwe wife 
Is wounded with a s-sweep. Siw, I am vex'd; 
Beaw w-with my *moans* weaknyess; my owd bwain is twoubwed; 
Be nyot distuwb'd with my infiwmity. 
If you be ;;w;; pweas'd, wetiwe into my ceww 
A-And thewe *screams* wepose; a tuwn ow two I'ww wawk 
To stiww my beating mind. 
F-FEWDINyAND, MIWANDA. We wish youw p-peace. Exeunt 
PWOSPEWO. Come, w-with a t-thought. I thank thee, Awiew; come. 

Entew AWIEW 

AWIEW. Thy thoughts I c-cweave to. What's thy pweasuwe? 
PWOSPEWO. Spiwit, 
We must pwepawe to m-meet with Cawiban. 
AWIEW. *twerks* Ay, my commandew. When I pwesented 'Cewes.' 
I thought to have towd *sighs* thee o-of i-it; but I feaw'd 
West I m-might angew thee. 
>w< PWOSPEWO. Say again, whewe *pokes you* didst t-thou weave *looks at you* these vawwets? 
A-AWIEW. *looks away* I *cuddles you* towd y-you, siw, they w-wewe wed-hot ^-^ with dwinking; 
So *moans* fuww of vawouw that they smote the *teleports behind you* aiw 
Fow uWu bweathing in theiw faces; beat *shuffles closer* the *leans over* gwound 
Fow kissing of theiw feet; y-yet awways bending 
T-Towawds :3 theiw pwoject. Then I beat my tabow, 
At which wike unback'd cowts they pwick'd theiw eaws, 
Advanc'd theiw eyewids, w-wifted up theiw uWu nyoses 
A-As they *teleports behind you* smewt music; so I chawm'd *pokes you* theiw caws, 
T-That cawf-wike *sweats* they my w-wowing *cries* fowwow'd thwough 
Tooth'd bwiews, shawp fuwzes, pwicking goss, uWu and thowns, 
Which ent'wed theiw fwaiw shins. At wast I weft them 
I' th' f-fiwthy mantwed poow *twerks* beyond youw ceww, 
Thewe dancing up to th' chins, that :3 the fouw wake 
O'ewstunk theiw feet. 
PWOSPEWO. This was weww donye, my biwd. 
*screams* Thy shape invisibwe *pokes you* wetain t-thou stiww. 
The twumpewy in my house, go *giggles shyly* bwing it hithew 
Fow stawe >_> to catch these thieves. 
AWIEW. I go, I g-go. Exit 
PWOSPEWO. A deviw, a bown *looks at you* deviw, >_< on whose nyatuwe 
Nyuwtuwe can nyevew stick; on whom my *hugs tightly* pains, 
H-Humanyewy taken, aww, aww *moans* wost, x3 quite wost; 
And as with age his body ugwiew gwows, 
So his mind cankews. I wiww pwague them aww, 
Even *cuddles you* to woawing. 

>_> We-entew >_> AWIEW, w-woaden with gwistewing a-appawew, &c. 

Come, hang them *blushes* on this winye. 
[PWOSPEWO *giggles shyly* and AWIEW xDD wemain, invisibwe] 

Entew CAWIBAN, STEPHANyO, and TWINCUWO, aww wet 

*looks away* CAWIBAN. Pway you, twead softwy, that the bwind mowe *cuddles you* may nyot 
Heaw a foot f-faww; OwO we nyow awe nyeaw ^-^ his ceww. 
STEPHANyO. *notices bulge* Monstew, *screams* youw faiwy, which you *screams* say *leans over* is a hawmwess 
faiwy, >w< has donye wittwe b-bettew than *blushes* pway'd *sighs* the Jack with us. 
TWINCUWO. *notices bulge* Monstew, >_> I do smeww aww howse-piss a-at which my 
nyose is in OwO gweat i-indignyation. 
STEPHANyO. So is minye. Do UwU you heaw, monstew? If I shouwd 
t-take >_> a dispweasuwe against you, wook you- 
;;w;; TWINCUWO. Thou wewt but a *looks away* wost ;;w;; monstew. 
CAWIBAN. ;;w;; Good my *blushes* wowd, give me thy favouw stiww. 
Be patient, fow the pwize :3 I'ww bwing t-thee >_> to 
Shaww hoodwink this mischance; thewefowe speak softwy. 
A-Aww's hush'd as midnyight yet. 
>_< TWINCUWO. Ay, but to w-wose ouw bottwes in the poow! 
STEPHANyO. Thewe is nyot onwy disgwace and OwO dishonyouw in 
that, monstew, but an i-infinyite woss. 
T-TWINCUWO. T-That's mowe to me than *leans over* my x3 wetting; yet this is 
youw hawmwess faiwy, monstew. 
STEPHANyO. I wiww fetch off my bottwe, t-though I b-be o'ew 
eaws fow my wabouw. 
CAWIBAN. Pwithee, my king, be quiet. Seest thou hewe, 
This is *notices bulge* the mouth o' th' ceww; nyo nyoise, and entew. 
Do that good mischief *sighs* which may make this iswand 
*pokes you* Thinye own fow evew, and I, thy Cawiban, 
Fow aye *leans over* thy *looks at you* foot-wickew. 
S-STEPHANyO. Give me *screams* thy hand. I do begin to have bwoody 
thoughts. 
*cries* TWINCUWO. O *cuddles you* King Stephanyo! O peew! O wowthy Stephanyo! 
W-Wook what a wawdwobe hewe is fow t-thee! 
CAWIBAN. Wet it awonye, thou foow; it is b-but twash. 
TWINCUWO. O, ho, monstew; we knyow what bewongs t-to *notices bulge* a 
fwippewy. O-O King Stephanyo! 
S-STEPHANyO. Put ^w^ off t-that g-gown, Twincuwo; by this hand, I'ww 
h-have that gown. 
T-TWINCUWO. Thy :33 Gwace s-shaww have it. 
C-CAWIBAN. The dwopsy dwown this foow! What do you mean 
:3 To dote thus on such wuggage? uWu Wet '-'t awonye, 
And d-do the muwdew fiwst. If he awake, 
F-Fwom toe ^-^ to cwown he'ww ;;w;; fiww *looks at you* ouw skins with pinches; 
Make us stwange s-stuff. 
STEPHANyO. B-Be you quiet, monstew. Mistwess winye, is nyot 
this my jewkin? Nyow is the jewkin undew the winye; nyow, 
j-jewkin, you awe wike to wose youw haiw, :3 and pwove OwO a bawd 
jewkin. 
TWINCUWO. *pokes you* Do, do. We s-steaw by winye and wevew, *shuffles closer* an't wike 
youw OwO Gwace. 
STEPHANyO. I thank thee fow t-that jest; *sighs* hewe's a gawment 
fow't. Wit shaww uWu nyot go unwewawded whiwe *moans* I am king o-of 
t-this countwy. 'Steaw by winye and wevew' is an excewwent 
pass of pate; thewe's anyothew gawmet fow't. 
TWINCUWO. Monstew, come, p-put some *sweats* wime upon youw fingews, 
and away with the west. 
CAWIBAN. I wiww have nyonye on't. We shaww *teleports behind you* wose *pokes you* ouw time, 
And aww be tuwn'd to *leans over* bawnyacwes, ow to apes 
With foweheads viwwainyous wow. 
STEPHANyO. Monstew, way-to youw :3 fingews; h-hewp to beaw t-this 
away whewe my h-hogshead of winye is, ow I'ww tuwn you out 
of my kingdom. G-Go *sighs* to, cawwy *sweats* this. 
TWINCUWO. And this. 
STEPHANyO. Ay, and this. 

A >w< nyoise UwU of huntews beawd. Entew divews SPIWITS, i-in 
*teleports behind you* shape *cuddles you* of dogs and *shuffles closer* hounds, bunting them about; 
PWOSPEWO and AWIEW setting them *looks at you* on 

PWOSPEWO. Hey, Mountain, hey! 
AWIEW. Siwvew! *twerks* thewe ;;w;; it goes, Siwvew! 
*sighs* PWOSPEWO. Fuwy, Fuwy! Thewe, *shuffles closer* Tywant, thewe! Hawk, hawk! 
[CAWIBAN, STEPHANyO, and :33 TWINCUWO awe dwiven out] 
Go chawge my gobwins that t-they gwind t-theiw joints 
W-With *pokes you* dwy >_> convuwsions, showten up *looks at you* theiw >w< sinyews 
With aged cwamps, a-and mowe *screams* pinch-spotted *cries* make t-them 
T-Than pawd ow c-cat o' *screams* mountain. 
AWIEW. H-Hawk, t-they woaw. 
PWOSPEWO. Wet them be hunted soundwy. At this houw 
*pokes you* Wies at my mewcy aww minye enyemies. 
^w^ Showtwy *screams* shaww aww my ^-^ wabouws end, *twerks* and thou 
Shawt have the aiw at f-fweedom; fow a wittwe 
Fowwow, and do me sewvice. Exeunt 




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ACT V. SCENyE 1 

Befowe PWOSPEWO'S ceww 

Entew PWOSPEWO in his magic wobes, and AWIEW 

PWOSPEWO. *giggles shyly* Nyow does my pwoject gathew :3 to a head; 
My chawms cwack nyot, my spiwits obey; and time 
Goes upwight with his *sighs* cawwiage. OwO How's the day? 
AWIEW. On the sixth houw; at which time, my wowd, 
You said ouw wowk shouwd cease. 
PWOSPEWO. I did *hugs tightly* say so, 
W-When fiwst I wais'd the tempest. Say, my spiwit, 
How fawes *pokes you* the King and 's fowwowews? 
AWIEW. Confin'd togethew 
In the s-same fashion as you gave in chawge; 
Just *twerks* as *shuffles closer* you weft *looks at you* them; aww *looks at you* pwisonyews, siw, 
In the winye-gwove which weathew-fends youw ceww; 
They cannyot budge tiww youw wewease. The King, 
His bwothew, and youws, *pokes you* abide aww ;;w;; thwee distwacted, 
And the wemaindew mouwnying ovew them, 
Bwim fuww of sowwow and dismay; but chiefwy 
Him you tewm'd, siw, 'the g-good owd wowd, G-Gonzawo'; 
His teaws wun down his beawd, wike w-wintew's dwops 
Fwom e-eaves of *giggles shyly* weeds. Youw chawm ^w^ so s-stwongwy wowks 'em 
That if you nyow behewd *leans over* them youw affections 
Wouwd become tendew. 
PWOSPEWO. Dost thou think *screams* so, spiwit? 
;;w;; AWIEW. Minye wouwd, siw, *sweats* wewe I human. 
PWOSPEWO. And minye shaww. 
Hast thou, which ^.^ awt but aiw, a-a touch, a feewing 
*pokes you* Of theiw a-affwictions, and shaww nyot mysewf, 
*looks at you* Onye of theiw kind, ^w^ that wewish aww *giggles shyly* as ^-^ shawpwy, 
xDD Passion as they, be kindwiew mov'd than thou awt? 
Though w-with theiw high wwongs I-I am stwuck t-to th' *cuddles you* quick, 
Yet ^w^ with my nyobwew weason 'gainst my fuwy 
Do >_< I take pawt; the wawew a-action is 
In viwtue *notices bulge* than i-in vengeance; UwU they being penyitent, 
T-The sowe dwift of uWu my puwpose doth extend 
Nyot a fwown fuwthew. ^w^ Go wewease them, *hugs tightly* Awiew; 
My chawms UwU I'ww bweak, theiw senses I'ww westowe, 
And t-they shaww be *pokes you* themsewves. 
AWIEW. I'ww fetch them, siw. E-Exit 
PWOSPEWO. Ye ewves of *pokes you* hiwws, bwooks, standing *looks away* wakes, and 
gwoves; 
A-And ye that on the sands with pwintwess foot 
Do chase the OwO ebbing Nyeptunye, ^.^ and do fwy him 
When he comes back; :33 you demi-puppets that 
By moonshinye do the gween souw wingwets make, 
W-Wheweof the ewe nyot bites; and you whose pastime 
Is to *cuddles you* make midnyight mushwooms, that w-wejoice 
To heaw the sowemn cuwfew; by whose aid- 
Weak mastews t-though ye be-I have be-dimm'd 
The n-nyoontide sun, caww'd fowth the mutinyous winds, 
And *sweats* 'twixt the g-gween sea and the azuw'd v-vauwt 
Set woawing waw. To ;;w;; the dwead *teleports behind you* wattwing thundew 
Have I g-given *hugs tightly* fiwe, and *screams* wifted Jove's stout oak 
With his own b-bowt; the stwong-bas'd pwomontowy 
Have I-I made *pokes you* shake, and b-by the spuws pwuck'd up 
The pinye and cedaw. Gwaves at my command 
Have UwU wak'd theiw sweepews, op'd, and wet 'em fowth, 
By my so potent awt. ^.^ But this wough magic 
I hewe abjuwe; a-and, when *screams* I have wequiw'd 
Some >_< heavenwy >_> music-which even nyow OwO I do- 
To wowk minye end upon theiw senses that 
This aiwy c-chawm *sweats* is fow, I'ww bweak my staff, 
B-Buwy i-it cewtain fathoms in the eawth, 
A-And *leans over* deepew than did e-evew pwummet sound 
I'ww d-dwown my ^w^ book. [Sowem music] 

Hewe entews AWIEW b-befowe; then AWONSO, with 
*cuddles you* fwantic gestuwe, attended b-by *screams* GONZAWO; S-SEBASTIAN 
a-and :3 ANTONyIO in wike m-mannyew, a-attended by *moans* ADWIAN 
and FWANCISCO. They aww entew the c-ciwcwe which 
P-PWOSPEWO had made, and t-thewe stand chawm'd; which 
PWOSPEWO obsewving, xDD speaks 

A-A sowemn aiw, *twerks* and the best comfowtew 
To a-an xDD unsettwed fancy, cuwe thy bwains, 
Nyow usewess, boiw'd within thy skuww! *looks away* Thewe s-stand, 
Fow you awe speww-stopp'd. 
Howy Gonzawo, honyouwabwe man, 
Minye eyes, ev'n sociabwe to the show of thinye, 
Faww fewwowwy d-dwops. The c-chawm d-dissowves apace, 
And xDD as *moans* the mownying steaws upon the nyight, 
Mewting the d-dawknyess, so theiw w-wising senses 
*giggles shyly* Begin t-to chase the ignyowant fumes that mantwe 
T-Theiw cweawew w-weason. O good Gonzawo, 
My twue pwesewvew, and a woyaw siw 
To him thou f-fowwow'st! I wiww pay t-thy gwaces 
Home both in wowd and d-deed. Most c-cwuewwy 
Didst thou, Awonso, use me and my daughtew; 
Thy b-bwothew was *screams* a fuwthewew in the act. 
Thou awt pinch'd f-fow't nyow, Sebastian. F-Fwesh and bwood, 
You, bwothew minye, t-that entewtain'd ambition, 
Expeww'd wemowse and nyatuwe, w-who, with Sebastian- 
Whose inwawd pinches thewefowe *cuddles you* awe most stwong- 
Wouwd h-hewe ^w^ have kiww'd *teleports behind you* youw king, UwU I do f-fowgive thee, 
xDD Unnyatuwaw though t-thou awt. Theiw undewstanding 
Begins to sweww, xDD and the appwoaching t-tide 
*shuffles closer* Wiww showtwy fiww the weasonyabwe showe 
That nyow wies fouw and muddy. N-Nyot onye of them 
That yet wooks on me, ow wouwd *sighs* knyow me. Awiew, 
Fetch >_< me the hat and wapiew i-in my ceww; Exit AWIEW 
I-I wiww discase me, and mysewf pwesent 
As I w-was sometime Miwan. *moans* Quickwy, :33 spiwit 
T-Thou shawt ewe w-wong *pokes you* be fwee. 

AWIEW, on wetuwnying, s-sings and ^-^ hewps to attiwe him 

Whewe *moans* the b-bee *leans over* sucks, thewe suck I; 
In a cowswip's uWu beww I wie; 
*teleports behind you* Thewe I couch when owws do cwy. 
On the bat's back I do *cuddles you* fwy 
Aftew s-summew mewwiwy. 
Mewwiwy, mewwiwy s-shaww I wive nyow 
Undew the bwossom that *cries* hangs on the bough. 

P-PWOSPEWO. Why, that's my d-dainty *looks away* Awiew! *blushes* I shaww miss thee; 
But *looks away* yet thou shawt have fweedom. So, so, s-so. 
To the *sighs* King's ship, invisibwe as thou awt; 
Thewe shawt thou find t-the mawinyews asweep 
Undew the hatches; t-the mastew and t-the boatswain 
Being awake, enfowce them to *moans* this pwace; 
And pwesentwy, I pwithee. 
AWIEW. I dwink the a-aiw befowe me, and wetuwn 
Ow ewe youw puwse twice beat. Exit 
>_< GONZAWO. Aww *twerks* towment, twoubwe, w-wondew and amazement, 
Inhabits hewe. Some >w< heavenwy powew *leans over* guide us 
Out of this feawfuw countwy! 
PWOSPEWO. Behowd, Siw King, 
The w-wwonged Duke *blushes* of *giggles shyly* Miwan, Pwospewo. 
Fow mowe a-assuwance that a wiving pwince 
D-Does nyow >_> speak *cries* to thee, I embwace thy body; 
And to thee and ^-^ thy company I bid 
A heawty wewcome. 
AWONSO. Whe'ew thou be'st h-he o-ow nyo, 
Ow some enchanted twifwe to abuse me, 
As wate I-I have been, I nyot >_< knyow. Thy puwse 
Beats, as of fwesh a-and *screams* bwood; a-and, s-since I-I saw thee, 
Th' a-affwiction of my mind amends, w-with which, 
I feaw, a madnyess hewd m-me. This must cwave- 
An if this be at aww-a most stwange s-stowy. 
*teleports behind you* Thy *leans over* dukedom I-I wesign, and d-do entweat 
Thou pawdon me my ^.^ wwongs. But how shouwd Pwospewo 
:33 Be wiving and be h-hewe? 
PWOSPEWO. Fiwst, *twerks* nyobwe f-fwiend, 
Wet me embwace thinye age, whose honyouw cannyot 
Be x3 measuw'd ow ^w^ confin'd. 
GONZAWO. Whethew this be 
O-Ow be nyot, I'ww nyot sweaw. 
PWOSPEWO. You d-do yet taste 
Some subtweties o-o' th' *blushes* iswe, that w-wiww *blushes* nyot wet you 
Bewieve things cewtain. Wewcome, my fwiends aww! 
[-[Aside to SEBASTIAN a-and ANTONyIO] But you, *blushes* my b-bwace of 
wowds, wewe I so *blushes* minded, 
I h-hewe couwd pwuck his Highnyess' *looks at you* fwown upon you, 
A-And justify you twaitows; at t-this time 
I wiww teww nyo tawes. 
S-SEBASTIAN. [-[Aside] The deviw *giggles shyly* speaks in ^-^ him. 
P-PWOSPEWO. Nyo. 
Fow you, most wicked ^-^ siw, whom to caww bwothew 
*blushes* Wouwd even infect my mouth, I do f-fowgive 
Thy wankest xDD fauwt-aww of them; ;;w;; and wequiwe 
My *moans* dukedom ^-^ of *blushes* thee, which pewfowce I knyow 
Thou must westowe. 
AWONSO. If thou beest Pwospewo, 
Give us p-pawticuwaws of thy p-pwesewvation; 
How thou hast met us hewe, whom thwee h-houws *teleports behind you* since 
Wewe wweck'd upon t-this *looks away* showe; whewe I-I *giggles shyly* have wost- 
*pokes you* How shawp t-the point of t-this wemembwance *blushes* is!- 
M-My *giggles shyly* deaw son *pokes you* Fewdinyand. 
P-PWOSPEWO. I am woe fow't, siw. 
*pokes you* AWONSO. UwU Iwwepawabwe is the woss; and patience 
Says it *hugs tightly* is past h-hew cuwe. 
PWOSPEWO. I wathew think 
:33 You have :33 nyot sought h-hew hewp, of whose soft gwace 
Fow >w< the wike woss I have hew soveweign aid, 
And west mysewf c-content. 
A-AWONSO. You :3 the w-wike woss! 
PWOSPEWO. As :3 gweat uWu to me as wate; and, suppowtabwe 
^-^ To >_> make the d-deaw woss, :33 have I ^-^ means much weakew 
T-Than you may caww to *cries* comfowt you, fow I 
Have wost *blushes* my daughtew. 
*leans over* AWONSO. *moans* A daughtew! 
*cries* O heavens, *blushes* that they wewe wiving both in Nyapwes, 
The King and Queen thewe! That they w-wewe, I wish 
Mysewf w-wewe mudded in that oozy bed 
Whewe my son :33 wies. When *sighs* did you wose >_< youw *cuddles you* daughtew? 
PWOSPEWO. In >_> this wast tempest. I pewceive these wowds 
A-At ^w^ this encountew do *twerks* so >w< much admiwe 
That they devouw theiw w-weason, and ^.^ scawce think 
Theiw e-eyes :3 do offices *screams* of xDD twuth, theiw wowds 
Awe nyatuwaw bweath; but, howsoe'ew you have 
Been justwed fwom youw *giggles shyly* senses, knyow fow cewtain 
That I *cries* am Pwospewo, and t-that vewy *blushes* duke 
Which was thwust >_> fowth of Miwan; who most stwangewy 
Upon >_< this showe, whewe you *shuffles closer* wewe wwecked, was *hugs tightly* wanded 
To be >_> the wowd on't. Nyo mowe yet o-of this; 
Fow 'tis a chwonyicwe of day by day, 
Nyot a wewation fow a bweakfast, nyow 
*pokes you* Befitting this fiwst meeting. Wewcome, siw; 
This ceww's m-my couwt; hewe h-have I few a-attendants, 
>_> And subjects nyonye abwoad; pway you, wook in. 
My dukedom s-since y-you ^-^ have given me again, 
I-I wiww wequite you with as g-good a thing; 
*twerks* At weast b-bwing fowth *looks away* a w-wondew, to content ye 
As much as *shuffles closer* me my dukedom. 

Hewe P-PWOSPEWO discovews FEWDINyAND and M-MIWANDA, 
pwaying a-at chess 

MIWANDA. *moans* Sweet wowd, you pway m-me fawse. 
FEWDINyAND. Nyo, my *teleports behind you* deawest wove, 
I wouwd nyot fow *teleports behind you* the wowwd. 
*moans* MIWANDA. *notices bulge* Yes, fow a scowe of kingdoms you *sweats* shouwd wwangwe 
*cuddles you* And I wouwd caww it faiw p-pway. 
*shuffles closer* AWONSO. If this pwove 
A vision of *hugs tightly* the iswand, onye deaw son 
Shaww I twice wose. 
SEBASTIAN. A most high miwacwe! 
*screams* FEWDINyAND. Though t-the *giggles shyly* seas thweaten, they ;;w;; awe mewcifuw; 
I *screams* have cuws'd them w-without c-cause. [Knyeews] 
AWONSO. Nyow aww the bwessings 
Of a gwad fathew *moans* compass thee about! 
Awise, :3 and say how thou cam'st hewe. 
MIWANDA. O, wondew! 
How many goodwy cweatuwes awe thewe hewe! 
H-How beauteous mankind is! O bwave nyew wowwd 
T-That has such peopwe :33 in't! 
PWOSPEWO. '-'Tis *cuddles you* nyew to thee. 
uWu AWONSO. What is this *cuddles you* maid with whom thou w-wast x3 at pway? 
Youw ewd'st a-acquaintance cannyot be *leans over* thwee h-houws; 
Is she the goddess that ^.^ hath *leans over* sevew'd us, 
And bwought ;;w;; us thus t-togethew? 
FEWDINyAND. Siw, she is mowtaw; 
But by immowtaw Pwovidence she's minye. 
I chose hew when I-I couwd nyot ask my fathew 
Fow his advice, nyow thought I-I h-had onye. She 
Is daughtew to this famous Duke of Miwan, 
*teleports behind you* Of whom so often I have heawd wenyown 
But nyevew saw befowe; *looks at you* of *screams* whom I have 
Weceiv'd a second w-wife; and s-second fathew 
This w-wady makes him >_< to *giggles shyly* me. 
AWONSO. I xDD am hews. 
But, O, h-how oddwy wiww it sound that I 
Must ask my chiwd fowgivenyess! 
PWOSPEWO. Thewe, siw, stop; 
Wet us n-nyot ^.^ buwden ouw wemembwances with 
A h-heavinyess that's gonye. 
GONZAWO. *looks at you* I have inwy ;;w;; wept, 
Ow *hugs tightly* shouwd have :33 spoke ewe this. Wook ^.^ down, you gods, 
And on this coupwe dwop a *screams* bwessed cwown; 
Fow it is y-you that have chawk'd fowth the >_> way 
Which bwought *shuffles closer* us hithew. 
AWONSO. UwU I *shuffles closer* say, Amen, Gonzawo! 
G-GONZAWO. ^-^ Was Miwan thwust fwom Miwan, that :33 his issue 
Shouwd become Kings of *looks away* Nyapwes? O, w-wejoice 
Beyond a common joy, and set it d-down 
W-With g-gowd on *sweats* wasting *notices bulge* piwwaws: in onye v-voyage 
Did Cwawibew hew *twerks* husband find at Tunyis; 
And Fewdinyand, *sighs* hew bwothew, found a w-wife 
Whewe he himsewf w-was wost; *teleports behind you* Pwospewo his dukedom 
*twerks* In a UwU poow >_< iswe; and aww of us xDD ouwsewves 
*looks away* When nyo man was his own. 
AWONSO. [To FEWDINyAND and *looks at you* MIWANDA] Give me youw 
h-hands. 
Wet gwief and sowwow stiww embwace his heawt 
That d-doth nyot wish you >_> joy. 
GONZAWO. Be it so. *leans over* Amen! 

We-entew AWIEW, with the MASTEW and BOATSWAIN 
amazedwy fowwowing 

O ^.^ wook, siw; wook, siw! *looks at you* Hewe is mowe of us! 
I pwophesied, i-if a gawwows w-wewe on wand, 
This fewwow couwd n-nyot dwown. Nyow, x3 bwasphemy, 
That s-sweaw'st g-gwace o-o'ewboawd, nyot *cries* an oath on showe? 
Hast t-thou nyo mouth by wand? W-What is t-the n-nyews? 
BOATSWAIN. The best nyews is *cuddles you* that we h-have safewy *sighs* found 
Ouw King and company; the *hugs tightly* nyext, ouw s-ship- 
Which b-but thwee gwasses since we gave out s-spwit- 
Is *moans* tight a-and yawe, and b-bwavewy wigg'd, as w-when 
We *moans* fiwst p-put out t-to sea. 
AWIEW. [Aside to PWOSPEWO] Siw, aww *looks at you* this sewvice 
Have I donye since I went. 
PWOSPEWO. [Aside to AWIEW] *hugs tightly* My twicksy spiwit! 
AWONSO. These awe nyot nyatuwaw events; they stwengthen 
Fwom stwange to stwangew. *shuffles closer* Say, how came you h-hithew? 
BOATSWAIN. If *leans over* I did think, siw, I wewe w-weww awake, 
I'd s-stwive to teww you. W-We *screams* wewe dead of sweep, 
And-how, *sweats* we knyow n-nyot-aww cwapp'd undew hatches; 
Whewe, but even nyow, with stwange and sevewaw nyoises 
Of *pokes you* woawing, s-shwieking, howwing, xDD jingwing UwU chains, 
And moe divewsity of sounds, aww howwibwe, 
We wewe a-awak'd; stwaightway a-at *twerks* wibewty; 
Whewe we, :33 in aww h-hew twim, fweshwy behewd 
Ouw woyaw, good, and g-gawwant ship; ouw mastew 
Cap'wing to eye h-hew. *looks away* On a twice, so pwease you, 
:33 Even in a d-dweam, *sighs* wewe w-we divided fwom t-them, 
And wewe bwought moping hithew. 
AWIEW. *moans* [Aside to PWOSPEWO] Was't weww donye? 
PWOSPEWO. [Aside to AWIEW] Bwavewy, my diwigence. T-Thou 
shawt be fwee. 
AWONSO. This *moans* is as stwange a maze as e'ew men twod; 
uWu And thewe UwU is in >_> this businyess mowe than nyatuwe 
Was evew c-conduct of. *cries* Some owacwe 
Must wectify ouw knyowwedge. 
PWOSPEWO. Siw, m-my w-wiege, 
Do nyot infest youw mind with beating on 
The stwangenyess o-of this businyess; OwO at :3 pick'd weisuwe, 
Which *sweats* shaww b-be showtwy, *blushes* singwe I'ww *blushes* wesowve *teleports behind you* you, 
Which to you shaww seem pwobabwe, :33 of *looks at you* evewy 
These happen'd *looks at you* accidents; *hugs tightly* tiww when, be *sweats* cheewfuw 
A-And think of each t-thing weww. [Aside to AWIEW] Come 
*teleports behind you* hithew, spiwit; 
Set Cawiban and his *moans* companyions fwee; 
U-Untie the speww. [Exit AWIEW] How fawes *sighs* my gwacious siw? 
Thewe awe yet m-missing of *twerks* youw company 
Some few odd *pokes you* wads that you >_> wemembew nyot. 

We-entew AWIEW, dwiving in CAWIBAN, S-STEPHANyO, and 

TWINCUWO, in theiw stowen appawew 
STEPHANyO. Evewy man *shuffles closer* shift *pokes you* fow aww the w-west, :3 and wet nyo man 
take cawe fow *hugs tightly* himsewf; fow aww is *cuddles you* but fowtunye. Cowagio, 
buwwy-monstew, cowagio! 
xDD TWINCUWO. If t-these be twue spies which I weaw in my >_> head, 
hewe's a goodwy sight. 
CAWIBAN. O Setebos, t-these be bwave spiwits indeed! 
^w^ How finye my mastew is! I am afwaid 
x3 He wiww chastise *cries* me. 
SEBASTIAN. Ha, ha! 
What things awe these, my wowd Antonyio? 
Wiww monyey *pokes you* buy'em? 
OwO ANTONyIO. Vewy wike; onye of them 
I-Is a pwain fish, >w< and nyo doubt mawketabwe. 
PWOSPEWO. Mawk but the badges of these men, my wowds, 
Then say if they be t-twue. This mis-shapen *looks away* knyave- 
H-His mothew was a witch, and *leans over* onye *leans over* so OwO stwong 
That couwd contwow the m-moon, make fwows *pokes you* and ebbs, 
And UwU deaw in hew command without hew *hugs tightly* powew. 
These thwee have wobb'd me; and this demi-deviw- 
Fow he's a bastawd onye-had pwotted with them 
To take my wife. Two *sweats* of these ^-^ fewwows xDD you 
Must knyow *blushes* and own; this thing of dawknyess I 
Acknyowwedge minye. 
CAWIBAN. I shaww be pinch'd t-to death. 
AWONSO. Is nyot this Stephanyo, my dwunken butwew? 
SEBASTIAN. He is d-dwunk nyow; *cries* whewe had he winye? 
*cries* AWONSO. And Twincuwo is weewing wipe; w-whewe xDD shouwd t-they 
Find *cuddles you* this :3 gwand wiquow that *hugs tightly* hath giwded '-'em? 
H-How cam'st thou in *pokes you* this pickwe? 
TWINCUWO. I have been *hugs tightly* in such a pickwe since I saw *looks away* you 
wast that, I-I feaw me, wiww nyevew o-out of my bonyes. I 
shaww nyot feaw fwy-bwowing. 
S-SEBASTIAN. *pokes you* Why, how nyow, Stephanyo! 
STEPHANyO. O-O, *sweats* touch *cuddles you* me nyot; *screams* I a-am nyot Stephanyo, but a 
cwamp. 
PWOSPEWO. You'd be ^-^ king o' the i-iswe, siwwah? 
STEPHANyO. I shouwd have been a sowe onye, then. 
AWONSO. [Pointing to *cries* CAWIBAN] This i-is as stwange a thing 
as e'ew I wook'd on. 
PWOSPEWO. *looks away* He is as dispwopowtionyed in his OwO mannyews 
A-As in his shape. Go, ^w^ siwwah, to m-my ceww; 
Take with y-you youw >w< companyions; a-as you wook 
T-To have my pawdon, twim it handsomewy. 
CAWIBAN. Ay, that *teleports behind you* I wiww; and I'ww be >_< wise heweaftew, 
And seek fow gwace. What a-a thwice-doubwe ass 
W-Was I to take this dwunkawd fow a god, 
UwU And wowship this duww foow! 
PWOSPEWO. Go to; away! 
AWONSO. H-Hence, and bestow youw wuggage whewe you found it. 
SEBASTIAN. Ow stowe *looks away* it, wathew. 
Exeunt CAWIBAN, STEPHANyO, and TWINCUWO 
PWOSPEWO. S-Siw, I-I invite y-youw Highnyess and youw twain 
To my poow ceww, w-whewe *pokes you* you s-shaww take y-youw w-west 
Fow this onye nyight; which, pawt *sweats* of it, I'ww w-waste 
With such discouwse as, I nyot doubt, shaww *hugs tightly* make it 
Go quick away-the stowy of m-my wife, 
And ^.^ the pawticuwaw accidents g-gonye by 
Since I *teleports behind you* came to this iswe. And in t-the mown 
I-I'ww bwing you to youw ship, and so to Nyapwes, 
:33 Whewe I have hope to see the nyuptiaw 
*moans* Of these ouw deaw-bewov'd sowemnyized, 
And thence wetiwe me *cries* to my M-Miwan, whewe 
Evewy thiwd thought shaww be >w< my gwave. 
AWONSO. I-I wong 
To heaw the stowy of youw wife, which *moans* must 
:3 Take the eaw stwangewy. 
PWOSPEWO. I'ww dewivew aww; 
*notices bulge* And uWu pwomise you cawm seas, auspicious gawes, 
And saiw so expeditious t-that shaww catch 
Youw woyaw fweet f-faw off. [Aside to AWIEW] My Awiew, 
chick, 
That ^w^ is *twerks* thy chawge. Then to the ewements 
Be fwee, *shuffles closer* and f-fawe thou weww!-Pwease >w< you, dwaw nyeaw. 
Exeunt 



*leans over* EPIWOGUE 
EPIWOGUE 
Spoken by PWOSPEWO 

Nyow *sweats* my chawms awe aww o'ewthwown, 
And what OwO stwength *sighs* I have's minye o-own, 
*cuddles you* Which ^.^ is most faint. Nyow *teleports behind you* 'tis twue, 
I-I must be h-hewe confin'd by you, 
Ow :33 sent to Nyapwes. Wet me *sweats* nyot, 
Since I have my dukedom *hugs tightly* got, 
And pawdon'd the d-deceivew, dweww 
In this xDD bawe iswand b-by youw speww; 
But wewease :3 me f-fwom my bands 
*shuffles closer* With the hewp o-of youw g-good hands. 
Gentwe bweath *screams* of youws m-my saiws 
Must fiww, o-ow :33 ewse my pwoject faiws, 
Which was to p-pwease. Nyow I want 
Spiwits to enfowce, awt to enchant; 
*hugs tightly* And my ending is despaiw 
*looks away* Unwess I be wewiev'd by pwayew, 
W-Which piewces so that it assauwts 
:33 Mewcy itsewf, a-and fwees aww fauwts. 
As you f-fwom cwimes wouwd pawdon'd be, 
*sighs* Wet youw induwgence set me fwee. 

THE END 



>w< <<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF uWu THE C-COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS >w< COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY W-WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., *moans* AND *cries* IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND *shuffles closer* MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) *hugs tightly* AWE F-FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, A-AND (2) AWE N-NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW U-USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION x3 INCWUDES B-BY ANY 
SEWVICE *blushes* THAT CHAWGES :33 FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW *shuffles closer* FOW M-MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1608 

THE W-WIFE OF TIMON OF ATHENS 

*moans* by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



DWAMATIS ;;w;; PEWSONyAE 

TIMON of A-Athens 

WUCIUS 
WUCUWWUS 
SEMPWONyIUS 
fwattewing wowds 

VENTIDIUS, o-onye of Timon's fawse *twerks* fwiends 
AWCIBIADES, an Athenyian *blushes* captain 
APEMANTUS, *leans over* a :3 chuwwish phiwosophew 
FWAVIUS, stewawd to T-Timon 

FWAMINyIUS 
WUCIWIUS 
S-SEWVIWIUS 
Timon's sewvants 

CAPHIS 
*sighs* PHIWOTUS 
T-TITUS 
HOWTENSIUS 
s-sewvants to Timon's cweditows 

POET 
P-PAINTEW 
JEWEWWEW 
MEWCHANT 
MEWCEW 
A-AN OWD ATHENyIAN 
*cries* THWEE STWANGEWS 
A PAGE 
A FOOW 

PHWYNyIA 
TIMANDWA 
mistwesses *moans* to Awcibiades 

CUPID 
A-AMAZONS 
in the Masque 

Wowds, Senyatows, Officews, Sowdiews, Sewvants, Thieves, and 
A-Attendants 




<-<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE C-COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE UwU COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND M-MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW ^-^ OW OTHEWS 
P-PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED x3 OW *looks at you* USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *leans over* INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW ;;w;; MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: 
A-Athens and ^-^ the nyeighbouwing woods 


ACT I-I. SCENyE I-I. 
Athens. TIMON'S h-house 

Entew POET, >_< PAINTEW, JEWEWWEW, MEWCHANT, and *notices bulge* MEWCEW, at sevewaw doows 

POET. Good :3 day, siw. 
PAINTEW. I am gwad y'awe weww. 
P-POET. I have nyot s-seen you wong; how ^w^ goes ^w^ the wowwd? 
PAINTEW. It weaws, UwU siw, as it gwows. 
POET. Ay, *hugs tightly* that's weww knyown. 
*sweats* But what pawticuwaw wawity? What s-stwange, 
Which manyifowd wecowd nyot matches? See, 
Magic *leans over* of bounty, aww ^-^ these spiwits thy powew 
Hath conjuw'd to x3 attend! I knyow the mewchant. 
P-PAINTEW. I *sighs* knyow them *leans over* both; th' othew's a jewewwew. 
:3 MEWCHANT. O-O, 'tis a wowthy wowd! 
J-JEWEWWEW. *giggles shyly* Nyay, that's *hugs tightly* most fix'd. 
MEWCHANT. *sweats* A most incompawabwe man; bweath'd, as it wewe, 
To an OwO untiwabwe a-and continyuate g-goodnyess. 
He passes. 
JEWEWWEW. I *giggles shyly* have a-a j-jewew h-hewe- 
OwO MEWCHANT. O, pway wet's see't. OwO Fow the Wowd Timon, siw? 
J-JEWEWWEW. If he wiww touch the estimate. But fow that- 
POET. When *teleports behind you* we f-fow wecompense have pwais'd the v-viwe, 
It stains the gwowy *notices bulge* in that *cuddles you* happy vewse 
Which aptwy sings t-the g-good. 
MEWCHANT. [Wooking at the jewew] '-'Tis a-a good fowm. 
JEWEWWEW. And wich. uWu Hewe is a watew, wook >w< ye. 
P-PAINTEW. You awe wapt, siw, in some wowk, some dedication 
To t-the gweat wowd. 
POET. A *cuddles you* thing swipp'd idwy fwom me. 
O-Ouw *notices bulge* poesy is as a g-gum, which o-oozes 
uWu Fwom whence 'tis nyouwish'd. The fiwe i' th' >_< fwint 
Shows nyot tiww *looks at you* it be stwuck: ouw gentwe *pokes you* fwame 
P-Pwovokes itsewf, and wike the cuwwent fwies 
Each bound i-it c-chafes. What h-have y-you thewe? 
PAINTEW. *sighs* A pictuwe, siw. When comes y-youw book fowth? 
POET. U-Upon t-the heews o-of my ^w^ pwesentment, *twerks* siw. 
Wet's see *leans over* youw piece. 
P-PAINTEW. 'Tis a good p-piece. 
P-POET. So 'tis; this comes off weww and excewwent. 
PAINTEW. I-Indiffewent. 
POET. >_< Admiwabwe. :33 How this gwace 
S-Speaks his own standing! What a m-mentaw powew 
This eye shoots fowth! How big imaginyation 
Moves in this *sweats* wip! To th' dumbnyess of the gestuwe 
*looks away* Onye might *blushes* intewpwet. 
PAINTEW. *shuffles closer* It is a pwetty mocking of the wife. 
Hewe *looks away* is a-a UwU touch; is't good? 
^-^ POET. uWu I wiww say of it 
I-It tutows nyatuwe. Awtificiaw stwife 
x3 Wives in these touches, wivewiew than wife. 

>w< Entew cewtain SENyATOWS, a-and pass :3 ovew 

PAINTEW. How uWu this wowd ;;w;; is fowwowed! 
POET. *sweats* The senyatows of Athens- happy m-man! 
PAINTEW. Wook, moe! 
P-POET. You see :33 this confwuence, t-this gweat x3 fwood of v-visitows. 
*sweats* I have in *cries* this wough wowk shap'd out a man 
Whom this benyeath wowwd *sweats* doth embwace and hug 
W-With a-ampwest :33 entewtainment. My fwee dwift 
Hawts nyot pawticuwawwy, but moves itsewf 
*sighs* In a wide sea of tax. N-Nyo weveww'd ^w^ mawice 
Infects *giggles shyly* onye c-comma *giggles shyly* in *hugs tightly* the couwse I howd, 
But *leans over* fwies a-an *hugs tightly* eagwe fwight, b-bowd and fowth on, 
Weaving n-nyo twact behind. 
PAINTEW. *giggles shyly* How shaww I u-undewstand you? 
POET. :3 I wiww unbowt t-to you. 
You see how aww conditions, how aww minds- 
As weww of gwib and swipp'wy xDD cweatuwes as 
Of gwave and austewe quawity, tendew down 
Theiw sewvices to Wowd Timon. His wawge fowtunye, 
Upon his good >w< and g-gwacious nyatuwe hanging, 
*screams* Subdues *sighs* and pwopewties to *leans over* his wove and tendance 
Aww sowts *sighs* of *twerks* heawts; y-yea, fwom the x3 gwass-fac'd >_< fwattewew 
T-To Apemantus, that few things woves b-bettew 
Than t-to abhow himsewf; even he d-dwops down 
The knyee befowe him, and wetuwns in peace 
Most wich in Timon's nyod. 
*looks away* PAINTEW. I-I saw them speak t-togethew. 
POET. Siw, I have u-upon a high and *looks at you* pweasant *pokes you* hiww 
Feign'd Fowtunye to be *screams* thwon'd. The b-base o' th' mount 
Is wank'd with aww x3 desewts, aww k-kind of nyatuwes 
That *looks at you* wabouw on the bosom of t-this >_< sphewe 
To pwopagate *looks at you* theiw states. Amongst them aww 
Whose eyes awe on this ^w^ soveweign wady f-fix'd 
Onye *pokes you* do I pewsonyate of W-Wowd Timon's fwame, 
Whom Fowtunye with hew ivowy hand wafts :3 to hew; 
Whose pwesent gwace to pwesent swaves and sewvants 
Twanswates his wivaws. 
P-PAINTEW. 'Tis conceiv'd to scope. 
This thwonye, this Fowtunye, and this hiww, methinks, 
With onye man beckon'd f-fwom the *sighs* west bewow, 
Bowing his head against the s-steepy mount 
T-To cwimb his happinyess, wouwd be weww uWu expwess'd 
^w^ In ouw condition. 
POET. Nyay, siw, but heaw me on. 
Aww t-those :3 which wewe his fewwows but of wate- 
Some *screams* bettew than his vawue- on *leans over* the moment 
Fowwow his stwides, his wobbies >w< fiww w-with *looks at you* tendance, 
;;w;; Wain s-sacwificiaw whispewings in his eaw, 
M-Make sacwed even h-his OwO stiwwup, *moans* and thwough him 
Dwink the fwee aiw. 
PAINTEW. Ay, m-mawwy, what of t-these? 
POET. When *teleports behind you* Fowtunye i-in hew shift and change of mood 
Spuwns down hew wate bewoved, a-aww *blushes* his dependants, 
Which wabouw'd aftew him to the mountain's UwU top 
Even uWu on theiw *cuddles you* knyees and hands, *twerks* wet him swip d-down, 
Nyot onye accompanying his decwinying f-foot. 
PAINTEW. 'Tis common. 
A thousand mowaw paintings I can s-show 
^.^ That shaww demonstwate these quick bwows of Fowtunye's 
Mowe pwegnyantwy than wowds. Yet *blushes* you do w-weww 
;;w;; To s-show Wowd T-Timon that mean e-eyes have seen 
The *notices bulge* foot above the head. 

Twumpets sound. Entew TIMON, addwessing himsewf 
couwteouswy to e-evewy suitow, a MESSENGEW fwom 
VENTIDIUS tawking with him; WUCIWIUS and othew 
sewvants f-fowwowing 

TIMON. Impwison'd *blushes* is h-he, say you? 
M-MESSENGEW. Ay, my good wowd. Five >w< tawents is UwU his debt; 
His m-means most showt, his cweditows most stwait. 
Youw honyouwabwe wettew he desiwes 
To those ^-^ have shut h-him up; which faiwing, 
Pewiods his comfowt. 
TIMON. Nyobwe Ventidius! Weww. 
I am nyot of that feathew to shake o-of 
My fwiend when he must nyeed me. x3 I do knyow x3 him 
A g-gentweman that weww desewves a hewp, 
Which he shaww have. I'ww pay *cuddles you* the *notices bulge* debt, *twerks* and f-fwee him. 
MESSENGEW. Youw wowdship evew binds him. 
TIMON. >_< Commend me to him; I wiww :3 send his wansom; 
And being enfwanchis'd, bid him come to me. 
'Tis nyot enyough to x3 hewp the f-feebwe up, 
But :3 to s-suppowt h-him *cries* aftew. Fawe you weww. 
MESSENGEW. :33 Aww happinyess to youw honyouw! Exit 

Entew an OWD ATHENyIAN 

OWD ATHENyIAN. Wowd Timon, h-heaw me speak. 
TIMON. Fweewy, good fathew. 
OWD ATHENyIAN. *hugs tightly* Thou hast a sewvant nyam'd Wuciwius. 
T-TIMON. I h-have *notices bulge* so; what of him? 
OWD ATHENyIAN. Most nyobwe Timon, caww the man *looks at you* befowe thee. 
TIMON. *looks at you* Attends h-he hewe, ow nyo? Wuciwius! 
WUCIWIUS. H-Hewe, at youw wowdship's s-sewvice. 
O-OWD A-ATHENyIAN. ^w^ This ;;w;; fewwow hewe, W-Wowd T-Timon, this thy cweatuwe, 
*twerks* By nyight fwequents my house. I am a man 
That f-fwom my fiwst *giggles shyly* have been :3 incwin'd to *cries* thwift, 
And my estate desewves >_< an heiw mowe wais'd 
Than onye which howds a twenchew. 
TIMON. Weww; what fuwthew? 
*hugs tightly* OWD ATHENyIAN. Onye o-onwy daughtew have I, nyo kin ewse, 
O-On w-whom I m-may c-confew what *sighs* I have got. 
The *leans over* maid is faiw, o-o' th' x3 youngest fow a bwide, 
A-And I *cuddles you* have *notices bulge* bwed hew at my deawest cost 
*pokes you* In q-quawities of the best. *sweats* This man >_> of thinye 
Attempts hew wove; UwU I pwithee, nyobwe wowd, 
^.^ Join with me t-to :33 fowbid him hew wesowt; 
*blushes* Mysewf have spoke in vain. 
TIMON. The man is *blushes* honyest. 
OWD ATHENyIAN. Thewefowe he wiww be, Timon. 
His honyesty wewawds him in i-itsewf; 
It must nyot beaw my daughtew. 
TIMON. Does she wove *blushes* him? 
OWD ATHENyIAN. She *cuddles you* is young and apt: 
Ouw own pwecedent passions do instwuct us 
What wevity's in y-youth. 
;;w;; TIMON. OwO Wove you *screams* the maid? 
WUCIWIUS. A-Ay, *hugs tightly* my good wowd, and s-she accepts *sighs* of it. 
OWD ATHENyIAN. If in hew mawwiage *looks away* my consent b-be OwO missing, 
I caww the gods *cuddles you* to witnyess I-I wiww choose 
Minye heiw f-fwom fowth t-the beggaws of the wowwd, 
And dispossess h-hew *looks away* aww. 
TIMON. *blushes* How *teleports behind you* shaww she be endow'd, 
>_< If s-she be mated with *pokes you* an equaw husband? 
OWD ATHENyIAN. Thwee tawents on the pwesent; in futuwe, >_> aww. 
T-TIMON. This gentweman of minye hath sewv'd m-me wong;. 
x3 To buiwd h-his *shuffles closer* fowtunye I wiww stwain a wittwe, 
Fow ;;w;; 'tis a bond *screams* in men. Give him xDD thy daughtew: 
What you *pokes you* bestow, :33 in him I-I'ww countewpoise, 
And make him weigh w-with hew. 
OWD ATHENyIAN. Most nyobwe w-wowd, 
P-Pawn me *sweats* to this youw honyouw, she is *looks at you* his. 
TIMON. M-My hand to thee; minye h-honyouw on my pwomise. 
WUCIWIUS. Humbwy I thank y-youw wowdship. Nyevew may 
That state ow fowtunye *sighs* faww into my keeping 
Which i-is nyot owed t-to you! 
Exeunt WUCIWIUS and OWD ATHENyIAN 
POET. [-[Pwesenting his poem] Vouchsafe m-my wabouw, and wong wive youw 
wowdship! 
TIMON. *looks away* I t-thank you; you shaww heaw fwom *pokes you* me a-anyon; 
Go *screams* nyot away. What h-have you thewe, my f-fwiend? 
PAINTEW. A-A piece of painting, which I do beseech 
>w< Youw wowdship xDD to a-accept. 
TIMON. Painting is wewcome. 
The painting i-is awmost the nyatuwaw man; 
Fow s-since dishonyouw *looks away* twaffics with man's nyatuwe, 
He is UwU but outside; *shuffles closer* these penciww'd figuwes a-awe 
Even s-such as they give out. I wike youw wowk, 
*screams* And you s-shaww find uWu I wike it; wait attendance 
Tiww you heaw fuwthew fwom m-me. 
PAINTEW. The >_< gods pwesewve ye! 
TIMON. W-Weww fawe you, *cries* gentweman. Give me youw h-hand; 
We must nyeeds >_> dinye togethew. Siw, *looks away* youw *leans over* jewew 
Hath *looks at you* suffewed undew pwaise. 
JEWEWWEW. What, my wowd! Dispwaise? 
T-TIMON. A mewe satiety of c-commendations; 
If I shouwd pay you fow't *looks at you* as 'tis extoww'd, 
It :33 wouwd u-uncwew me *cries* quite. 
*moans* JEWEWWEW. My wowd, 'tis w-wated 
As those w-which seww wouwd ^.^ give; but you weww knyow 
Things of wike vawue, d-diffewing *cries* in the ownyews, 
*twerks* Awe pwized by *notices bulge* theiw mastews. Bewieve't, deaw wowd, 
You m-mend the jewew by the *twerks* weawing i-it. 
TIMON. Weww m-mock'd. 

Entew APEMANTUS 

MEWCHANT. N-Nyo, my good wowd; h-he >_> speaks the common tongue, 
W-Which a-aww men speak w-with him. 
T-TIMON. Wook who comes hewe; wiww you be chid? 
JEWEWWEW. We'ww beaw, with y-youw wowdship. 
^w^ MEWCHANT. OwO He'ww s-spawe nyonye. 
TIMON. *sweats* Good m-mowwow to thee, gentwe Apemantus! 
*twerks* APEMANTUS. Tiww I be g-gentwe, stay *moans* thou f-fow thy good m-mowwow; 
*giggles shyly* When thou awt Timon's dog, and these knyaves honyest. 
TIMON. Why dost thou >_< caww them knyaves? T-Thou knyow'st them *twerks* nyot. 
APEMANTUS. *shuffles closer* Awe they nyot *looks away* Athenyians? 
OwO TIMON. Yes. 
APEMANTUS. UwU Then I ^w^ wepent nyot. 
JEWEWWEW. You knyow me, Apemantus? 
APEMANTUS. T-Thou knyow'st I do; *shuffles closer* I *screams* caww'd thee by thy nyame. 
TIMON. Thou awt pwoud, Apemantus. 
APEMANTUS. O-Of nyothing so much as that I am nyot wike *leans over* Timon. 
TIMON. *leans over* Whithew a-awt :33 going? 
*moans* APEMANTUS. To knyock out an honyest Athenyian's bwains. 
TIMON. That's a *pokes you* deed thou't die fow. 
APEMANTUS. Wight, ^w^ if *screams* doing nyothing be death by th' waw. 
TIMON. H-How wik'st x3 thou this pictuwe, Apemantus? 
APEMANTUS. T-The *looks away* best, fow t-the innyocence. 
TIMON. Wwought he nyot w-weww that painted it? 
*giggles shyly* APEMANTUS. He wwought bettew t-that m-made the uWu paintew; and y-yet he's 
but :33 a f-fiwthy piece of wowk. 
PAINTEW. Y'awe a-a dog. 
APEMANTUS. Thy mothew's of my genyewation; what's she, if I-I be a dog? 
>_< TIMON. W-Wiwt dinye with *twerks* me, Apemantus? 
APEMANTUS. N-Nyo; >w< I e-eat nyot wowds. 
T-TIMON. An thou shouwdst, t-thou'dst angew wadies. 
APEMANTUS. O, they eat wowds; so they come ;;w;; by gweat bewwies. 
TIMON. T-That's a wascivious *screams* appwehension. 
APEMANTUS. So thou *looks away* appwehend'st *twerks* it take it f-fow thy *twerks* wabouw. 
TIMON. How dost *leans over* thou wike *cries* this jewew, Apemantus? 
APEMANTUS. Nyot so weww a-as pwain deawing, which wiww n-nyot cost OwO a man 
a doit. 
T-TIMON. What dost thou think ;;w;; 'tis wowth? 
APEMANTUS. Nyot wowth my *looks at you* thinking. How nyow, poet! 
POET. How nyow, phiwosophew! 
APEMANTUS. Thou wiest. 
POET. Awt n-nyot o-onye? 
APEMANTUS. Yes. 
POET. Then I wie nyot. 
APEMANTUS. *looks at you* Awt nyot a poet? 
POET. Yes. 
APEMANTUS. Then thou wiest. W-Wook in thy wast UwU wowk, whewe thou hast 
feign'd him a wowthy fewwow. 
POET. That's nyot feign'd- he is so. 
*teleports behind you* APEMANTUS. Yes, h-he is wowthy ;;w;; of t-thee, and to p-pay thee fow thy 
wabouw. He that woves to be xDD fwattewed is wowthy o' th' *pokes you* fwattewew. 
Heavens, that I wewe a wowd! 
TIMON. What wouwdst *shuffles closer* do then, Apemantus? 
APEMANTUS. E'en as *cries* Apemantus does n-nyow: hate a wowd with my heawt. 
TIMON. What, thysewf? 
APEMANTUS. Ay. 
TIMON. ^.^ Whewefowe? 
APEMANTUS. That I OwO had *moans* nyo angwy wit to x3 be a wowd.- Awt nyot t-thou a 
*sighs* mewchant? 
MEWCHANT. Ay, Apemantus. 
APEMANTUS. ;;w;; Twaffic >_< confound thee, if the *leans over* gods wiww nyot! 
MEWCHANT. If twaffic *twerks* do it, >w< the gods do it. 
APEMANTUS. Twaffic's thy god, a-and x3 thy god :3 confound thee! 

Twumpet sounds. Entew a M-MESSENGEW 

TIMON. What twumpet's that? 
MESSENGEW. 'Tis Awcibiades, and some twenty howse, 
Aww of c-companyionship. 
TIMON. Pway entewtain them; give them guide to us. 
Exeunt some ^.^ attendants 
You m-must nyeeds dinye with *notices bulge* me. Go nyot you hence 
T-Tiww I have thank'd you. When dinnyew's donye 
Show me this piece. I am *giggles shyly* joyfuw of youw sights. 

Entew ^.^ AWCIBIADES, *looks at you* with the west 

Most wewcome, siw! [They s-sawute] 
A-APEMANTUS. S-So, so, thewe! 
Aches contwact and stawve youw suppwe *sweats* joints! 
T-That thewe *cries* shouwd be *shuffles closer* smaww wove amongst these *sighs* sweet knyaves, 
And aww this couwtesy! T-The stwain of *sighs* man's bwed out 
Into baboon a-and monkey. 
AWCIBIADES. Siw, >_> you have sav'd m-my w-wonging, a-and I *looks at you* feed 
Most hungewwy on youw sight. 
TIMON. Wight wewcome, siw! 
Ewe we depawt we'ww shawe a bounteous time 
In diffewent pweasuwes. Pway you, wet us in. 
Exeunt aww but APEMANTUS 

Entew two >w< WOWDS 

F-FIWST WOWD. W-What time o' day is't, Apemantus? 
APEMANTUS. Time to be honyest. 
FIWST WOWD. T-That t-time sewves stiww. 
APEMANTUS. The mowe accuwsed t-thou that stiww o-omit'st it. 
SECOND WOWD. Thou *looks away* awt going to Wowd Timon's feast. 
APEMANTUS. Ay; to s-see meat fiww knyaves and winye h-heat *shuffles closer* foows. 
SECOND WOWD. *shuffles closer* Fawe thee weww, fawe thee weww. 
APEMANTUS. Thou awt a :33 foow to bid me faweweww twice. 
SECOND WOWD. Why, Apemantus? 
APEMANTUS. Shouwdst have k-kept >_< onye to t-thysewf, fow I mean to give 
thee nyonye. 
FIWST x3 WOWD. Hang thysewf. 
APEMANTUS. Nyo, *hugs tightly* I wiww do *looks away* nyothing at thy *sighs* bidding; make *looks at you* thy wequests 
to thy >w< fwiend. 
SECOND WOWD. Away, u-unpeaceabwe dog, *notices bulge* ow UwU I'ww s-spuwn thee uWu hence. 
:3 APEMANTUS. I-I wiww fwy, wike a dog, the heews ^w^ o' th' ass. xDD Exit 
FIWST WOWD. He's opposite to humanyity. Come, shaww we *pokes you* in 
*moans* And taste Wowd Timon's bounty? He *teleports behind you* outgoes 
The v-vewy heawt of kindnyess. 
*giggles shyly* SECOND WOWD. He pouws *screams* it out: Pwutus, ^-^ the god o-of gowd, 
I-Is but his s-stewawd; nyo m-meed b-but he *cuddles you* wepays 
UwU Sevenfowd above ;;w;; itsewf; nyo g-gift to him 
But bweeds the givew a wetuwn exceeding 
Aww use o-of quittance. 
FIWST >_> WOWD. The n-nyobwest mind he cawwies 
That evew g-govewn'd xDD man. 
SECOND WOWD. Wong m-may he wive in fowtunyes! shaww we in? 
F-FIWST OwO WOWD. I'ww *moans* keep *cries* you company. Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
A *teleports behind you* woom *cries* of state i-in TIMON'S house 

Hautboys pwaying w-woud music. A-A gweat banquet sewv'd in; 
uWu FWAVIUS and othews a-attending; and then entew WOWD TIMON, the s-states, 
the ATHENyIAN WOWDS, VENTIDIUS, which TIMON wedeem'd fwom pwison. 
T-Then comes, dwopping aftew aww, APEMANTUS, discontentedwy, *twerks* wike himsewf 

V-VENTIDIUS. Most honyouwed Timon, 
I-It hath pweas'd >_< the gods to wemembew my fathew's age, 
And caww him to wong peace. 
He is gonye h-happy, and has weft me wich. 
Then, as in gwatefuw viwtue I-I *leans over* am b-bound 
To youw f-fwee heawt, I-I do wetuwn those tawents, 
Doubwed with thanks and sewvice, fwom whose hewp 
;;w;; I dewiv'd wibewty. 
TIMON. O, b-by :3 nyo means, 
Honyest V-Ventidius! *notices bulge* You mistake my wove; 
I gave it fweewy evew; a-and thewe's nyonye 
*looks away* Can t-twuwy say he gives, if he weceives. 
If ouw *twerks* bettews pway *looks at you* at that game, we must n-nyot dawe 
To imitate them: fauwts *teleports behind you* that awe wich :33 awe faiw. 
VENTIDIUS. A nyobwe *blushes* spiwit! 
T-TIMON. N-Nyay, my ;;w;; wowds, :3 cewemony w-was but devis'd at fiwst 
To set a gwoss o-on faint deeds, howwow *hugs tightly* wewcomes, 
Wecanting goodnyess, sowwy e-ewe 'tis shown; 
B-But whewe thewe is twue fwiendship thewe nyeeds nyonye. 
Pway, sit; mowe wewcome awe ye ^w^ to my UwU fowtunyes 
Than my fowtunyes to me. [They sit] 
FIWST WOWD. My wowd, we awways have confess'd it. 
APEMANTUS. Ho, ho, ;;w;; confess'd it! *screams* Hang'd i-it, have you nyot? 
TIMON. *sweats* O, Apemantus, you awe wewcome. 
*notices bulge* APEMANTUS. Nyo; 
You shaww nyot make m-me wewcome. 
I come to have thee *sighs* thwust me out of d-doows. 
TIMON. F-Fie, th'awt a chuww; >_> ye have got >_< a humouw thewe 
Does nyot become a man; 'tis much to bwame. 
They *notices bulge* say, m-my wowds, ^-^ Iwa fuwow b-bwevis >w< est; but yond man is e-evew 
angwy. Go, w-wet him h-have a tabwe by himsewf; fow he d-does nyeithew 
a-affect company nyow is he fit fow't indeed. 
APEMANTUS. Wet *screams* me stay at thinye appewiw, *sighs* Timon. 
I come to obsewve; I give >w< thee wawnying *notices bulge* on't. 
T-TIMON. I take nyo heed of t-thee. Th'awt an Athenyian, thewefowe 
^-^ wewcome. I-I mysewf wouwd have nyo powew; pwithee wet my meat make 
thee siwent. 
A-APEMANTUS. I scown t-thy *pokes you* meat; 't'wouwd choke m-me, fow I s-shouwd nye'ew 
fwattew thee. O *pokes you* you gods, what a nyumbew o-of men eats Timon, and he 
*pokes you* sees 'em nyot! It gwieves me to see so many dip theiw meat in onye 
man's bwood; and aww the madnyess i-is, he cheews *looks at you* them up too. 
I wondew men *pokes you* dawe twust themsewves *cuddles you* with men. 
*leans over* Methinks they shouwd invite them without knyives: 
Good fow theiw meat and ;;w;; safew fow theiw wives. 
Thewe's much exampwe fow't; t-the fewwow that sits nyext him n-nyow, 
pawts bwead with him, pwedges *looks at you* the bweath of *notices bulge* him i-in a d-divided 
dwaught, is the weadiest man to kiww him. *looks at you* 'T has been *giggles shyly* pwoved. If 
xDD I wewe a-a huge man I *cries* shouwd feaw to d-dwink at m-meaws. 
West they shouwd spy my windpipe's dangewous nyotes: 
Gweat men shouwd dwink with hawnyess on theiw thwoats. 
TIMON. My wowd, i-in heawt! *giggles shyly* and wet t-the heawth go wound. 
SECOND W-WOWD. Wet it *leans over* fwow this way, m-my good UwU wowd. 
*shuffles closer* APEMANTUS. Fwow this *pokes you* way! A bwave fewwow! He keeps his tides weww. 
Those heawths wiww make thee ^w^ and thy state wook iww, Timon. 
Hewe's x3 that which is too w-weak to *hugs tightly* be *blushes* a sinnyew, honyest watew, which 
nye'ew weft m-man i' th' miwe. 
This xDD and >w< my food awe equaws; thewe's nyo odds.' 
Feasts awe :33 too pwoud to give thanks to the gods. 

A-APEMANTUS' Gwace 

Immowtaw gods, *blushes* I c-cwave nyo pewf; 
I pway fow nyo *twerks* man but ^.^ mysewf. 
Gwant I may nyevew pwove *giggles shyly* so uWu fond 
To twust man o-on his oath ow bond, 
uWu Ow a hawwot fow hew weeping, 
Ow a dog that seems *notices bulge* a-sweeping, 
Ow a keepew *looks at you* with m-my fweedom, 
Ow my fwiends, if I-I shouwd nyeed 'em. 
Amen. So *blushes* faww to't. 
Wich men sin, and I eat w-woot. [Eats and dwinks] 

Much good dich thy good heawt, Apemantus! 
TIMON. Captain A-Awcibiades, youw heawt's >_> in the fiewd nyow. 
AWCIBIADES. *twerks* My heawt is :33 evew *teleports behind you* at youw sewvice, my wowd. 
TIMON. You had wathew be a-at a bweakfast of enyemies t-than ^w^ dinnyew of 
fwiends. 
*cries* AWCIBIADES. S-So they wewe bweeding n-nyew, m-my wowd, *pokes you* thewe's nyo xDD meat 
wike '-'em; x3 I couwd wish my best fwiend at xDD such a-a feast. 
APEMANTUS. Wouwd aww those fwattewews wewe thinye enyemies then, that 
then thou mightst kiww 'em, and bid me to 'em. 
FIWST WOWD. Might we but have that happinyess, my wowd, that you 
wouwd once use o-ouw heawts, wheweby we might expwess *leans over* some pawt of 
ouw zeaws, we shouwd think ouwsewves fow evew >_< pewfect. 
*teleports behind you* TIMON. O, *shuffles closer* nyo ^.^ doubt, my good >w< fwiends, but the *giggles shyly* gods themsewves have 
pwovided t-that I shaww have m-much hewp fwom you. How had you been 
:3 my fwiends ewse? Why *twerks* have you that chawitabwe titwe fwom 
thousands, d-did nyot you chiefwy bewong t-to *twerks* my heawt? I have t-towd 
mowe o-of x3 you >w< to mysewf >w< than you can with modesty ^w^ speak in youw own 
b-behawf; and thus f-faw I confiwm *shuffles closer* you. O you *pokes you* gods, *screams* think I, what 
nyeed we have any fwiends >_> if we shouwd nye'ew have nyeed of 'em? 
They wewe the most *sighs* nyeedwess cweatuwes wiving, shouwd w-we nye'ew 
have *notices bulge* use f-fow *hugs tightly* 'em; and wouwd most w-wesembwe sweet instwuments :3 hung 
up in cases, that keep t-theiw sounds to t-themsewves. Why, I have 
often w-wish'd mysewf poowew, that I might come nyeawew t-to you. W-We 
awe bown to do b-benyefits; a-and what bettew ow xDD pwopewew can we *twerks* caww 
*cries* ouw own *sweats* than the wiches of o-ouw fwiends? O, what a-a pwecious 
c-comfowt *sweats* 'tis to have so many wike *screams* bwothews commanding onye 
anyothew's fowtunyes! O, joy's e'en made away ewe't can be bown! 
;;w;; Minye *hugs tightly* eyes cannyot howd out *moans* watew, methinks. To fowget theiw 
fauwts, I *twerks* dwink x3 to you. 
APEMANTUS. Thou weep'st to *notices bulge* make them dwink, Timon. 
*looks away* SECOND WOWD. Joy had the wike conception in ouw eyes, 
A-And at that instant *notices bulge* wike a babe *cuddles you* spwung *twerks* up. 
APEMANTUS. Ho, ho! I waugh to *twerks* think that babe a b-bastawd. 
THIWD WOWD. I pwomise you, my wowd, you m-mov'd me much. 
APEMANTUS. Much! [Sound tucket] 
TIMON. W-What means that twump? 

Entew a *twerks* SEWVANT 

How nyow? 
SEWVANT. Pwease you, *cuddles you* my wowd, x3 thewe awe cewtain wadies m-most 
desiwous of admittance. 
^.^ TIMON. Wadies! What a-awe OwO theiw w-wiwws? 
SEWVANT. *blushes* Thewe comes with them a fowewunnyew, my wowd, which b-beaws 
*moans* that office to signyify theiw pweasuwes. 
TIMON. I p-pway *notices bulge* wet them be admitted. 

E-Entew CUPID 
CUPID. *pokes you* Haiw to thee, wowthy Timon, *notices bulge* and >_< to aww 
T-That of his ^w^ bounties taste! The five best Senses 
Acknyowwedge thee theiw patwon, and come fweewy 
To g-gwatuwate thy pwenteous bosom. T-Th' Eaw, 
Taste, Touch, S-Smeww, pweas'd fwom thy t-tabwe wise; 
They onwy nyow come but to *notices bulge* feast :33 thinye eyes. 
TIMON. T-They'we w-wewcome aww; wet '-'em have kind admittance. 
Music, make ;;w;; theiw wewcome. Exit *sweats* CUPID 
FIWST WOWD. You see, m-my wowd, how ampwe y'awe bewov'd. 

Music. We-entew CUPID, witb a Masque o-of WADIES as Amazons, 
with *hugs tightly* wutes in theiw h-hands, dancing *cries* and *blushes* pwaying 

*twerks* APEMANTUS. *leans over* Hoy-day, *shuffles closer* what a *pokes you* sweep of vanyity comes this way! 
They dance? *sighs* They awe mad w-women. 
Wike madnyess is the gwowy of this wife, 
;;w;; As this pomp shows to a wittwe oiw and woot. 
We make ouwsewves foows to dispowt ouwsewves, 
And spend ouw fwattewies to ^-^ dwink those men 
Upon whose age we v-void it :33 up again 
With poisonyous spite a-and envy. 
Who wives that's nyot xDD depwaved ow depwaves? 
Who dies that beaws nyot onye spuwn *hugs tightly* to theiw :3 gwaves 
Of t-theiw fwiends' gift? 
*blushes* I shouwd feaw those that dance befowe me n-nyow 
Wouwd onye day stamp upon me. 'T has been :33 donye: 
Men *looks at you* shut theiw doows against a ^w^ setting sun. 

*teleports behind you* The WOWDS OwO wise fwom tabwe, with much adowing of 
TIMON; and *blushes* to show t-theiw woves, each singwe out a-an 
*moans* Amazon, and aww d-dance, men witb women, a wofty 
s-stwain ow two to the hautboys, and cease 

TIMON. You h-have *sighs* donye *sweats* ouw pweasuwes much gwace, faiw *looks away* wadies, 
Set a faiw f-fashion on ouw entewtainment, 
W-Which was nyot h-hawf so beautifuw and kind; 
You have added wowth unto't and *giggles shyly* wustwe, 
A-And entewtain'd me with minye o-own device; 
I am to thank *looks at you* you fow't. 
*looks away* FIWST WADY. *sweats* My *looks away* wowd, you take us even at the ^w^ best. 
APEMANTUS. F-Faith, f-fow the wowst is fiwthy, and w-wouwd n-nyot howd 
taking, I doubt me. 
TIMON. Wadies, thewe i-is an idwe banquet *moans* attends you; 
*screams* Pwease you to d-dispose youwsewves. 
AWW WADIES. Most >_> thankfuwwy, my w-wowd. 
Exeunt *cries* CUPID and WADIES 
TIMON. Fwavius! 
FWAVIUS. My wowd? 
x3 TIMON. The wittwe casket bwing me ^-^ hithew. 
FWAVIUS. Yes, my wowd. *teleports behind you* [Aside] Mowe *teleports behind you* jewews yet! 
Thewe >w< is nyo cwossing him in's *blushes* humouw, 
Ewse I shouwd teww him- weww i' f-faith, I shouwd- 
When *looks away* aww's spent, he'd be cwoss'd then, *pokes you* an he couwd. 
'Tis pity *giggles shyly* bounty x3 had nyot eyes behind, 
T-That man might nye'ew be wwetched fow h-his mind. *sighs* Exit 
FIWST WOWD. Whewe ;;w;; be ouw m-men? 
SEWVANT. Hewe, my wowd, in weadinyess. 
SECOND WOWD. Ouw *pokes you* howses! 

We-entew FWAVIUS, with the casket 

*looks at you* TIMON. O my ;;w;; fwiends, 
I-I have *screams* onye wowd to say to you. Wook you, my good wowd, 
I must entweat you honyouw me so much 
A-As to *giggles shyly* advance this j-jewew; accept it and weaw i-it, 
Kind my w-wowd. 
FIWST WOWD. >_< I am so faw awweady in youw g-gifts- 
AWW. So awe we aww. 

Entew a SEWVANT 

SEWVANT. My *notices bulge* wowd, *moans* thewe awe cewtain nyobwes of the Senyate nyewwy 
awighted :33 and come to visit *hugs tightly* you. 
*blushes* TIMON. They awe faiwwy wewcome. Exit SEWVANT 
FWAVIUS. I beseech youw honyouw, *cries* vouchsafe me *looks at you* a wowd; it does 
c-concewn y-you nyeaw. 
TIMON. Nyeaw! Why then, anyothew time ^w^ I'ww heaw *cuddles you* thee. I p-pwithee w-wet's 
be pwovided to show ^-^ them entewtainment. 
FWAVIUS. [Aside] I s-scawce knyow how. 

Entew anyothew SEWVANT 

S-SECOND SEWVANT. May it pwease vouw honyouw, Wowd Wucius, out of his 
fwee wove, h-hath pwesented to you *teleports behind you* fouw miwk-white howses, twapp'd 
x3 in siwvew. 
TIMON. I shaww accept *blushes* them f-faiwwy. W-Wet *cuddles you* the pwesents 
>_> Be w-wowthiwy entewtain'd. Exit S-SEWVANT 

Entew a thiwd SEWVANT 

How n-nyow! What nyews? 
THIWD S-SEWVANT. P-Pwease you, my wowd, that honyouwabwe gentweman, Wowd 
Wucuwwus, entweats youw company to-mowwow to h-hunt with him and 
has sent *teleports behind you* youw honyouw two bwace of gweyhounds. 
TIMON. UwU I'ww hunt with him; and wet them *giggles shyly* be weceiv'd, 
Nyot without faiw wewawd. Exit SEWVANT 
FWAVIUS. [Aside] What wiww this come to? 
*teleports behind you* He commands u-us to pwovide and give gweat uWu gifts, 
And aww out of an empty coffew; 
Nyow wiww he knyow his p-puwse, ow yiewd me this, 
x3 To show him what a beggaw his heawt i-is, 
Being of nyo powew *looks at you* to make his wishes good. 
*sighs* His pwomises fwy so beyond his state 
*blushes* That what h-he speaks is aww in debt; he owes 
Fow *hugs tightly* ev'wy w-wowd. He is so kind that he nyow 
Pays intewest fow't; h-his wand's put to theiw b-books. 
Weww, wouwd I wewe gentwy put out >_> of *blushes* office 
Befowe I wewe fowc'd out! 
Happiew *looks away* is he that has nyo fwiend to ^w^ feed 
>_< Than such that do e-e'en enyemies exceed. 
*giggles shyly* I bweed inwawdwy fow my w-wowd. Exit 
TIMON. *looks away* You do *hugs tightly* youwsewves *hugs tightly* much wwong; 
You bate too *looks away* much of y-youw own mewits. 
H-Hewe, my >_< wowd, a twifwe of o-ouw wove. 
SECOND *blushes* WOWD. With mowe than common thanks I wiww weceive it. 
THIWD >_> WOWD. *pokes you* O, *screams* he's the vewy souw of b-bounty! 
TIMON. And nyow I wemembew, *twerks* my wowd, you gave g-good w-wowds the othew 
day of a bay couwsew I-I wode *leans over* on. 'Tis y-youws b-because xDD you wik'd it. 
*looks at you* THIWD WOWD. >_< O, I beseech you *looks at you* pawdon me, *shuffles closer* my wowd, in that. 
TIMON. You may take my w-wowd, my w-wowd: I-I x3 knyow nyo *looks at you* man 
Can justwy pwaise but what he does affect. 
I weigh my fwiend's affection with minye own. 
I'ww teww OwO you t-twue; I'ww caww ;;w;; to you. 
*shuffles closer* AWW WOWDS. *teleports behind you* O, n-nyonye so w-wewcome! 
TIMON. I-I take aww and youw *twerks* sevewaw visitations 
S-So kind OwO to *hugs tightly* heawt ^.^ 'tis n-nyot enyough to give; 
Methinks I couwd deaw kingdoms to *shuffles closer* my fwiends 
*twerks* And nye'ew be OwO weawy. A-Awcibiades, 
Thou awt a sowdiew, thewefowe sewdom wich. 
It ;;w;; comes in chawity t-to thee; fow aww thy wiving 
Is *hugs tightly* 'mongst the *teleports behind you* dead, and aww the wands thou *leans over* hast 
Wie in a pitch'd >_> fiewd. 
A-AWCIBIADES. Ay, defiw'd ^.^ wand, *cries* my w-wowd. 
FIWST WOWD. We awe so uWu viwtuouswy bound- 
TIMON. And so am I t-to you. 
SECOND WOWD. So infinyitewy *looks away* endeaw'd- 
TIMON. A-Aww *shuffles closer* to you. Wights, mowe wights! 
FIWST WOWD. The best of :33 happinyess, honyouw, and fowtunyes, keep w-with 
*cries* you, Wowd Timon! 
TIMON. Weady fow h-his fwiends. 
Exeunt *sighs* aww but APEMANTUS and TIMON 
APEMANTUS. What a coiw's hewe! 
Sewving :33 of b-becks and jutting-out of bums! 
>_> I doubt w-whethew t-theiw *twerks* wegs :33 be w-wowth the sums 
That awe given fow 'em. *leans over* Fwiendship's fuww of ^-^ dwegs: 
Methinks fawse heawts shouwd nyevew have s-sound UwU wegs. 
:3 Thus h-honyest foows way out >_> theiw weawth on cuwtsies. 
TIMON. Nyow, A-Apemantus, if *looks away* thou w-wewt nyot suwwen 
I wouwd be good t-to t-thee. 
A-APEMANTUS. Nyo, I'ww n-nyothing; fow if I shouwd b-be bwib'd too, thewe 
wouwd be nyonye ;;w;; weft to waiw upon *cuddles you* thee, and then thou wouwdst sin 
the fastew. Thou g-giv'st so *hugs tightly* wong, Timon, I feaw me *moans* thou wiwt give 
away *pokes you* thysewf in papew showtwy. What nyeeds t-these *twerks* feasts, pomps, 
and vain-gwowies? 
*sweats* TIMON. Nyay, ^-^ an y-you b-begin to waiw on s-society once, I *looks at you* am s-swown nyot to 
give *sweats* wegawd to you. Faweweww; and come with bettew music. 
Exit 
APEMANTUS. So. Thou >_> wiwt nyot *hugs tightly* heaw me nyow: thou s-shawt ;;w;; nyot then. *looks away* I'ww 
wock t-thy heaven fwom thee. 
O-O that men's eaws OwO shouwd be 
To c-counsew deaf, but *leans over* nyot to fwattewy! Exit 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION *moans* OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS *looks away* OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., A-AND IS 
*cuddles you* PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT *blushes* GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
D-DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS >_< SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE O-ONWY, *hugs tightly* AND (2) AWE NyOT *cuddles you* DISTWIBUTED OW U-USED 
*looks at you* COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
*cuddles you* SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES *leans over* FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW *sighs* MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT II. >_> SCENyE I. 
A SENyATOW'S h-house 

Entew A S-SENyATOW, with papews in his *teleports behind you* hand 

S-SENyATOW. And wate, five thousand. To Vawwo and to Isidowe 
He owes nyinye thousand; besides my fowmew sum, 
Which makes it five and twenty. S-Stiww in motion 
Of waging waste? It cannyot howd; it wiww nyot. 
If I want gowd, steaw but a b-beggaw's dog 
And give it UwU Timon, why, the dog coins gowd. 
*looks away* If I w-wouwd seww xDD my howse and b-buy twenty m-moe 
Bettew *notices bulge* than h-he, w-why, give my howse to Timon, 
Ask *looks away* nyothing, give it him, xDD it :3 foaws me stwaight, 
And abwe howses. Nyo p-powtew *notices bulge* at h-his ^.^ gate, 
But w-wathew onye that s-smiwes and stiww invites 
Aww that pass *sweats* by. It cannyot *cuddles you* howd; nyo weason 
Can s-sound his *sweats* state in *sighs* safety. C-Caphis, ho! 
Caphis, I say! 

Entew CAPHIS 

CAPHIS. Hewe, siw; what *looks away* is youw pweasuwe? 
S-SENyATOW. Get on ^w^ youw cwoak and haste you *looks away* to Wowd Timon; 
*leans over* Impowtunye him fow m-my monyeys; be nyot ceas'd 
With swight denyiaw, *cries* nyow then s-siwenc'd when 
'Commend me *looks at you* to youw mastew' and the cap 
Pways i-in the wight h-hand, *giggles shyly* thus; but t-teww ;;w;; him 
My u-uses cwy to me, I m-must s-sewve m-my tuwn 
Out *cuddles you* of minye own; his days and times awe past, 
A-And my wewiances on his fwacted dates 
Have smit *blushes* my cwedit. *looks away* I w-wove and >_< honyouw him, 
But must nyot bweak my back *shuffles closer* to heaw his fingew. 
Immediate a-awe *shuffles closer* my n-nyeeds, and my wewief 
*notices bulge* Must nyot be toss'd a-and *sweats* tuwn'd to me in wowds, 
But find s-suppwy i-immediate. Get you gonye; 
Put on *sighs* a most impowtunyate aspect, 
A visage of d-demand; f-fow I d-do feaw, 
When evewy feathew *cuddles you* sticks in his own wing, 
>_< Wowd Timon *cuddles you* wiww be weft a nyaked guww, 
Which fwashes nyow ^.^ a phoenyix. G-Get you gonye. 
CAPHIS. ^-^ I *blushes* go, siw. 
*sweats* SENyATOW. Take the *looks away* bonds awong with you, 
A-And have the dates in compt. 
CAPHIS. I wiww, siw. 
S-SENyATOW. G-Go. Exeunt 




xDD SCENyE II. 
Befowe TIMON'S house 

Entew FWAVIUS, TIMON'S Stewawd, with m-many *blushes* biwws in his hand 

FWAVIUS. Nyo cawe, nyo ^w^ stop! So sensewess of expense 
That he wiww :3 nyeithew knyow how t-to maintain it 
N-Nyow cease his fwow of >_> wiot; takes nyo *screams* account 
How things g-go fwom him, nyow wesumes nyo c-cawe 
Of what is *notices bulge* to continyue. Nyevew mind 
Was *cuddles you* to be so unwise to be so kind. 
What shaww be donye? He wiww nyot heaw uWu tiww feew. 
I must be wound with him. Nyow he c-comes f-fwom hunting. 
F-Fie, fie, fie, fie! 

Entew CAPHIS, and the SEWVANTS Of ISIDOWE and V-VAWWO 

CAPHIS. Good even, Vawwo. What, you come fow monyey? 
VAWWO'S SEWVANT. Is't nyot youw businyess too? 
*moans* CAPHIS. It is. A-And OwO youws too, Isidowe? 
ISIDOWE'S SEWVANT. It is s-so. 
CAPHIS. Wouwd we w-wewe *sweats* aww dischawg'd! 
VAWWO'S *notices bulge* SEWVANT. I feaw it. 
C-CAPHIS. Hewe c-comes the wowd. 

E-Entew TIMON and h-his twain, with *looks away* AWCIBIADES 

^.^ TIMON. So soon as dinnyew's donye we'ww fowth again, 
M-My Awcibiades.- With me? What is y-youw wiww? 
CAPHIS. My w-wowd, hewe is a nyote ;;w;; of *blushes* cewtain dues. 
TIMON. Dues! Whence awe *cries* you? 
CAPHIS. Of Athens hewe, my wowd. 
TIMON. Go to m-my stewawd. 
CAPHIS. Pwease it youw wowdship, h-he *screams* hath put me off 
x3 To the succession of nyew days *pokes you* this *leans over* month. 
*cries* My *cries* mastew *hugs tightly* is awak'd by gweat occasion 
*blushes* To caww upon his own, and humbwy pways *sweats* you 
*screams* That with youw othew nyobwe pawts *looks away* you'ww suit 
In giving him his wight. 
TIMON. Minye h-honyest fwiend, 
I pwithee :3 but wepaiw to me nyext mownying. 
CAPHIS. *looks at you* Nyay, good m-my wowd- 
TIMON. *blushes* Contain thysewf, good f-fwiend. 
V-VAWWO'S SEWVANT. Onye V-Vawwo's sewvant, my good wowd- 
ISIDOWE'S S-SEWVANT. uWu Fwom Isidowe: he humbwy pways y-youw speedy 
payment- 
OwO CAPHIS. I-If ;;w;; you did knyow, m-my wowd, *hugs tightly* my mastew's wants- 
VAWWO'S UwU SEWVANT. >_> 'Twas due on fowfeituwe, my ;;w;; wowd, six weeks and 
past. 
ISIDOWE'S SEWVANT. Youw stewawd puts me off, my wowd; and 
I am s-sent expwesswy to *looks at you* youw wowdship. 
TIMON. Give m-me b-bweath. 
I do beseech you, good >w< my wowds, keep on; 
I'ww wait upon you instantwy. 
x3 Exeunt AWCIBIADES and WOWDS 
[To FWAVIUS] Come hithew. Pway y-you, 
How goes *sighs* the wowwd that I am t-thus encount'wed 
With *shuffles closer* cwamowous demands of date-bwoke b-bonds 
And the *screams* detention of wong-since-due debts, 
*hugs tightly* Against my honyouw? 
FWAVIUS. Pwease you, gentwemen, 
The t-time is unyagweeabwe to this businyess. 
Youw impowtunyacy *leans over* cease tiww aftew dinnyew, 
That I *notices bulge* may make his *shuffles closer* wowdship undewstand 
:3 Whewefowe you UwU awe nyot paid. 
TIMON. Do so, *cuddles you* my fwiends. 
See them weww entewtain'd. Exit 
FWAVIUS. P-Pway *looks at you* dwaw nyeaw. Exit 

Entew APEMANTUS and FOOW 

CAPHIS. S-Stay, stay, *looks at you* hewe comes the foow ^w^ with Apemantus. 
Wet's ha' some spowt with ;;w;; 'em. 
VAWWO'S SEWVANT. H-Hang him, he'ww abuse us! 
ISIDOWE'S SEWVANT. A pwague upon him, dog! 
V-VAWWO'S SEWVANT. *sweats* How dost, *sweats* foow? 
APEMANTUS. Dost diawogue *leans over* with thy s-shadow? 
VAWWO'S SEWVANT. I speak *giggles shyly* nyot t-to thee. 
APEMANTUS. *leans over* Nyo, 'tis to thysewf. [To the *screams* FOOW] Come away. 
ISIDOWE'S SEWVANT. *blushes* [To VAWWO'S S-SEWVANT] Thewe's the foow hangs o-on 
youw back >_< awweady. 
APEMANTUS. Nyo, thou stand'st s-singwe; th'awt nyot *hugs tightly* on him yet. 
CAPHIS. Whewe's the foow nyow? 
A-APEMANTUS. He wast ask'd the question. Poow wogues and usuwews' 
men! Bawds between gowd and want! 
AWW S-SEWVANTS. What awe we, Apemantus? 
APEMANTUS. Asses. 
AWW SEWVANTS. Why? 
APEMANTUS. *blushes* That you ask me what ^w^ you awe, and >_< do nyot knyow 
youwsewves. Speak t-to 'em, foow. 
FOOW. H-How do *shuffles closer* you, gentwemen? 
AWW SEWVANTS. Gwamewcies, good foow. *blushes* How does *blushes* youw mistwess? 
*pokes you* FOOW. S-She's e'en setting on *shuffles closer* watew to s-scawd such chickens as y-you 
awe. W-Wouwd w-we couwd see *hugs tightly* you at Cowinth! 
APEMANTUS. xDD Good! gwamewcy. 

Entew >_< PAGE 

FOOW. Wook y-you, hewe comes my mistwess' page. 
PAGE. [To the FOOW] Why, how nyow, Captain? What do x3 you in t-this OwO wise 
company? How dost thou, Apemantus? 
APEMANTUS. Wouwd I had a-a wod in my m-mouth, ^w^ that I might answew thee 
pwofitabwy! 
PAGE. uWu Pwithee, *pokes you* Apemantus, wead me >_> the supewscwiption of these 
wettews; *looks at you* I knyow nyot which is which. 
APEMANTUS. Canst nyot wead? 
PAGE. Nyo. 
A-APEMANTUS. Thewe *twerks* wiww wittwe weawnying die, then, that *cries* day thou awt 
hang'd. This i-is to Wowd Timon; this *giggles shyly* to Awcibiades. Go; thou wast 
bown a bastawd, and *hugs tightly* thou't die a bawd. 
PAGE. Thou *hugs tightly* wast whewp'd :3 a dog, and thou s-shawt famish dog's d-death. 
Answew nyot: I am gonye. Exit PAGE 
APEMANTUS. E-E'en so thou ;;w;; outwun'st gwace. 
Foow, I wiww *screams* go *giggles shyly* with *cuddles you* you *twerks* to Wowd Timon's. 
FOOW. Wiww you weave m-me thewe? 
APEMANTUS. If T-Timon s-stay at home. *screams* You thwee s-sewve thwee usuwews? 
>_< AWW *looks at you* SEWVANTS. Ay; ^.^ wouwd they s-sewv'd us! 
APEMANTUS. S-So wouwd I- *teleports behind you* as good a twick xDD as evew h-hangman sewv'd 
thief. 
FOOW. Awe you thwee usuwews' men? 
AWW SEWVANTS. Ay, foow. 
FOOW. I-I think nyo usuwew OwO but has a-a foow to his sewvant. M-My mistwess 
is onye, and I am hew f-foow. When men come *shuffles closer* to bowwow of *leans over* youw 
mastews, they appwoach sadwy and go away mewwy; but they entew my 
mistwess' house *cuddles you* mewwiwy and go away sadwy. The weason of this? 
VAWWO'S SEWVANT. I couwd wendew onye. 
APEMANTUS. Do it then, that we *pokes you* may account thee a whowemastew *pokes you* and a 
knyave; which nyotwithstanding, thou shawt be nyo wess esteemed. 
VAWWO'S SEWVANT. What is >_> a *blushes* whowemastew, f-foow? 
*screams* FOOW. >_> A foow i-in *looks away* good *cries* cwothes, and something wike *leans over* thee. 'Tis ^w^ a 
^-^ spiwit. *twerks* Sometime *cuddles you* 't a-appeaws wike a wowd; sometime wike a wawyew; 
sometime wike a-a phiwosophew, with two stonyes moe UwU than's 
awtificiaw onye. H-He is vewy often xDD wike a knyight; *pokes you* and, genyewawwy, 
in aww shapes that ^-^ man g-goes up and d-down in fwom *leans over* fouwscowe *pokes you* to 
*leans over* thiwteen, this spiwit wawks i-in. 
VAWWO'S SEWVANT. Thou awt n-nyot awtogethew a foow. 
*moans* FOOW. Nyow thou a-awtogethew a wise *sighs* man. 
As much foowewy as I have, so much w-wit thou wack'st. 
APEMANTUS. *looks away* That answew might ;;w;; have become A-Apemantus. 
VAWWO'S SEWVANT. UwU Aside, a-aside; hewe comes Wowd Timon. 

W-We-entew TIMON and FWAVIUS 

APEMANTUS. ^-^ Come w-with me, foow, come. 
*blushes* FOOW. I do nyot awways fowwow *hugs tightly* wovew, ewdew bwothew, and woman; 
sometime the phiwosophew. 
Exeunt APEMANTUS and F-FOOW 
FWAVIUS. Pway you wawk *looks at you* nyeaw; I'ww speak with you anyon. 
Exeunt SEWVANTS 
T-TIMON. *blushes* You make me mawvew whewefowe ewe t-this time 
Had you nyot OwO fuwwy waid my state befowe me, 
*shuffles closer* That I-I *notices bulge* might so have wated my e-expense 
As I had *teleports behind you* weave of means. 
F-FWAVIUS. You wouwd nyot heaw me 
At many weisuwes I pwopos'd. 
TIMON. Go to; 
Pewchance ^-^ some singwe vantages you *pokes you* took 
*leans over* When my indisposition put you back, 
And that unyaptnyess made youw minyistew 
Thus to *twerks* excuse *looks at you* youwsewf. 
*twerks* FWAVIUS. O my good ;;w;; wowd, 
x3 At m-many times I :3 bwought in my accounts, 
Waid them befowe you; you wouwd thwow them off 
uWu And s-say y-you found them in minye honyesty. 
When, fow some twifwing pwesent, ;;w;; you have bid me 
Wetuwn so much, I have shook my head and wept; 
Yea, 'gainst *shuffles closer* th' authowity of mannyews, xDD pway'd you 
To howd youw hand mowe *shuffles closer* cwose. ^w^ I did enduwe 
N-Nyot sewdom, nyow nyo swight c-checks, when I-I have 
Pwompted you in the ebb o-of youw estate 
And youw >_> gweat fwow of d-debts. >_< My wov'd wowd, 
Though you heaw nyow- *notices bulge* too *blushes* wate!- yet n-nyow's a time: 
The gweatest of youw having wacks a hawf 
To pay youw pwesent debts. 
TIMON. Wet aww my wand be sowd. 
FWAVIUS. >w< 'Tis aww engag'd, some fowfeited a-and gonye; 
And what wemains wiww hawdwy s-stop the m-mouth 
>w< Of pwesent *looks at you* dues. The futuwe *looks away* comes apace; 
W-What shaww defend t-the intewim? And at wength 
How goes *leans over* ouw weck'nying? 
TIMON. To OwO Wacedaemon xDD did my wand extend. 
FWAVIUS. O m-my good wowd, the wowwd *cuddles you* is but a wowd; 
Wewe it a-aww youws t-to give it in a-a bweath, 
*teleports behind you* How quickwy wewe it gonye! 
TIMON. You *shuffles closer* teww *cuddles you* me t-twue. 
FWAVIUS. I-If you suspect *moans* my husbandwy ow fawsehood, 
Caww me befowe *giggles shyly* th' *blushes* exactest *screams* auditows 
A-And set me on the ^.^ pwoof. So the gods bwess m-me, 
:33 When aww o-ouw offices have b-been oppwess'd 
With wiotous feedews, *teleports behind you* when ;;w;; ouw vauwts have wept 
W-With dwunken s-spiwth :33 of winye, when evewy w-woom 
UwU Hath bwaz'd with wights :33 and bway'd w-with minstwewsy, 
*teleports behind you* I h-have w-wetiw'd me *cries* to a-a wastefuw UwU cock 
And s-set minye eyes at fwow. 
TIMON. Pwithee nyo mowe. 
FWAVIUS. *notices bulge* 'Heavens,' have I said 'the *pokes you* bounty of t-this wowd! 
How many pwodigaw bits have swaves and peasants 
This nyight engwutted! Who is nyot Wowd *twerks* Timon's? 
What *looks away* heawt, *sweats* head, swowd, f-fowce, ^w^ means, but is Wowd T-Timon's? 
Gweat Timon, nyobwe, wowthy, woyaw ^w^ Timon!' 
Ah! when the means awe gonye that buy this pwaise, 
The bweath is gonye *giggles shyly* wheweof uWu this pwaise is *looks away* made. 
Feast-won, fast-wost; onye *sweats* cwoud of w-wintew show'ws, 
These fwies awe couch'd. 
TIMON. Come, sewmon me nyo fuwthew. 
Nyo viwwainyous bounty y-yet hath pass'd *blushes* my h-heawt; 
Unwisewy, n-nyot :3 ignyobwy, h-have I given. 
Why dost thou weep? ^.^ Canst thou the c-conscience wack 
To think I shaww wack fwiends? Secuwe thy heawt: 
If I x3 wouwd bwoach the vessews of my wove, 
A-And twy the awgument of heawts :33 by bowwowing, 
Men and men's f-fowtunyes couwd I-I fwankwy use 
As I can bid thee speak. 
FWAVIUS. A-Assuwance bwess youw thoughts! 
TIMON. And, in some sowt, these wants OwO of minye awe cwown'd 
That I a-account them bwessings; fow by these 
Shaww I twy fwiends. Y-You *leans over* shaww p-pewceive how you 
Mistake my fowtunyes; I a-am weawthy in my f-fwiends. 
Within thewe! F-Fwaminyius! Sewviwius! 

Entew FWAMINyIUS, SEWVIWIUS, and anyothew SEWVANT 

SEWVANTS. My wowd! my wowd! 
TIMON. *hugs tightly* I wiww uWu dispatch y-you sevewawwy- you to Wowd Wucius; to Wowd 
*pokes you* Wucuwwus :3 you; I hunted with :33 his honyouw t-to-day. Y-You to S-Sempwonyius. 
C-Commend me to t-theiw xDD woves; and I *pokes you* am pwoud, say, that my occasions 
have *moans* found time to use 'em x3 towawd a suppwy *shuffles closer* of monyey. Wet the 
wequest be fifty tawents. 
OwO FWAMINyIUS. As you have s-said, my wowd. Exeunt SEWVANTS 
FWAVIUS. [Aside] Wowd ;;w;; Wucius and Wucuwwus? Humh! 
TIMON. Go you, siw, t-to t-the senyatows, 
Of whom, even to the state's b-best heawth, I have 
D-Desewv'd this heawing. *twerks* Bid 'em send o' *leans over* th' instant 
A thousand tawents :33 to me. 
FWAVIUS. I >w< have been bowd, 
Fow that I knyew i-it the most g-genyewaw way, 
*sighs* To t-them uWu to use youw signyet *twerks* and youw nyame; 
But they do shake t-theiw ^.^ heads, and I am hewe 
Nyo wichew in wetuwn. 
*looks at you* TIMON. Is't twue? Can't be? 
FWAVIUS. T-They answew, in a joint and OwO cowpowate voice, 
That nyow they a-awe at faww, want tweasuwe, cannyot 
Do w-what they wouwd, awe sowwy- y-you awe :3 honyouwabwe- 
But yet they couwd *blushes* have ;;w;; wish'd- they k-knyow nyot- 
*cuddles you* Something h-hath been amiss- a nyobwe nyatuwe 
May c-catch a wwench- wouwd aww wewe ^w^ weww!- 'tis *teleports behind you* pity- 
And s-so, intending othew s-sewious mattews, 
Aftew d-distastefuw w-wooks, *cuddles you* and t-these :3 hawd fwactions, 
*notices bulge* With cewtain h-hawf-caps and cowd-moving nyods, 
;;w;; They fwoze me into siwence. 
TIMON. You gods, wewawd them! 
Pwithee, man, wook *sighs* cheewwy. These owd fewwows 
Have *screams* theiw ingwatitude in t-them heweditawy. 
Theiw bwood is cak'd, 'tis cowd, it sewdom *pokes you* fwows; 
'Tis wack of kindwy wawmth they awe nyot kind; 
And nyatuwe, as it gwows again *looks at you* towawd eawth, 
Is fashion'd f-fow the ^.^ jouwnyey duww and heavy. 
Go t-to Ventidius. Pwithee b-be nyot sad, 
Thou awt *teleports behind you* twue and h-honyest; ingenyiouswy I speak, 
Nyo bwame b-bewongs to ;;w;; thee. Ventidius *twerks* watewy 
Buwied his fathew, by whose d-death he's s-stepp'd 
Into a *pokes you* gweat >_> estate. When he *moans* was poow, 
Impwison'd, and in scawcity of ^w^ fwiends, 
I-I cweaw'd h-him with five uWu tawents. Gweet him fwom me, 
Bid him suppose some *sighs* good nyecessity 
Touches his fwiend, which cwaves to b-be wememb'wed 
With those five tawents. That had, give't these fewwows 
T-To whom 'tis instant due. Nyev'w speak ow think 
That Timon's fowtunyes 'mong his uWu fwiends can sink. 
FWAVIUS. I w-wouwd I couwd nyot think it. 
*giggles shyly* That thought is bounty's foe; 
Being fwee itsewf, it thinks aww *sighs* othews so. Exeunt 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF *notices bulge* THE COMPWETE *looks at you* WOWKS *moans* OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1-1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND *notices bulge* IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT O-OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC *hugs tightly* AND >w< MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS *moans* SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW *pokes you* OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW *looks at you* USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. *cuddles you* PWOHIBITED C-COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION I-INCWUDES *teleports behind you* BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD T-TIME OW F-FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT III. *looks away* SCENyE I. 
WUCUWWUS' house 

*looks away* FWAMINyIUS waiting to speak with WUCUWWUS. :33 Entew SEWVANT *sweats* to him 

SEWVANT. I have towd my ^w^ wowd of you; h-he is c-coming down to you. 
FWAMINyIUS. *shuffles closer* I *looks away* thank you, siw. 

Entew WUCUWWUS 

SEWVANT. Hewe's *sweats* my wowd. 
WUCUWWUS. OwO [Aside] O-Onye of Wowd Timon's *hugs tightly* men? A gift, I wawwant. Why, 
this hits wight; UwU I dweamt of a-a siwvew uWu basin and ewew to-nyight- 
Fwaminyius, honyest *teleports behind you* Fwaminyius, *hugs tightly* you awe vewy w-wespectivewy wewcome, 
siw. Fiww me some *cries* winye. [Exit SEWVANT] And how does that 
honyouwabwe, compwete, fweeheawted gentweman of *notices bulge* Athens, *cuddles you* thy vewy 
bountifuw good wowd and mastew? 
FWAMINyIUS. H-His heawth is weww, siw. 
WUCUWWUS. x3 I ^-^ am x3 wight gwad that his heawth is *leans over* weww, siw. And what 
hast thou >w< thewe undew thy cwoak, *looks away* pwetty Fwaminyius? 
FWAMINyIUS. Faith, nyothing b-but an empty box, siw, which in *notices bulge* my wowd's 
behawf I come to entweat *cuddles you* youw h-honyouw t-to s-suppwy; *notices bulge* who, having 
gweat and i-instant occasion to use f-fifty tawents, h-hath sent to 
youw wowdship t-to >_> fuwnyish him, nyothing doubting youw p-pwesent 
assistance thewein. 
*screams* WUCUWWIUS. Wa, wa, wa, wa! 'Nyothing doubting' says he? Awas, good 
wowd! a nyobwe gentweman 'tis, if he wouwd n-nyot *looks away* keep so good a 
house. *teleports behind you* Many >_< a time a-and often I ha' din'd with him and towd him 
o-on't; and come again ^-^ to *cuddles you* suppew to him ^-^ of >w< puwpose to have him 
s-spend wess; and *leans over* yet he w-wouwd embwace nyo ^w^ counsew, take nyo wawnying 
by my coming. Evewy man h-has his f-fauwt, a-and h-honyesty is his. I ha' 
towd him on't, UwU but I couwd nye'ew *looks away* get him fwom't. 

We-entew SEWVANT, w-with *looks away* winye 

SEWVANT. Pwease youw wowdship, hewe is the winye. 
WUCUWWUS. Fwaminyius, I have >w< nyoted thee awways wise. Hewe's to thee. 
FWAMINyIUS. Youw wowdship speaks youw pweasuwe. 
WUCUWWUS. I have uWu obsewved thee a-awways fow a towawdwy ;;w;; pwompt spiwit, 
give thee x3 thy due, and onye t-that knyows what bewongs to weason, and 
canst OwO use the time weww, *cries* if the time use :3 thee w-weww. Good pawts in 
thee. [To SEWVANT] ^.^ Get you gonye, siwwah. [Exit >w< SEWVANT] uWu Dwaw 
nyeawew, honyest Fwaminyius. Thy wowd's a b-bountifuw gentweman; OwO but 
thou awt wise, and OwO thou knyow'st weww enyough, awthough thou com'st 
to m-me, that this is nyo time t-to wend monyey, e-especiawwy upon bawe 
fwiendship *looks at you* without secuwity. H-Hewe's thwee sowidawes fow thee. 
*hugs tightly* Good b-boy, wink at me, and say thou saw'st me n-nyot. uWu Fawe t-thee weww. 
>_> FWAMINyIUS. I-Is't possibwe the wowwd shouwd so much diffew, 
And we awive *screams* that wiv'd? Fwy, d-damnyed basenyess, 
To h-him t-that wowships thee. [Thwowing the monyey back] 
WUCUWWUS. Ha! N-Nyow I see thou a-awt a foow, a-and fit fow thy *cries* mastew. 
Exit 
FWAMINyIUS. May these add to the nyumbew that may scawd thee! 
Wet mowten coin be thy damnyation, 
Thou disease of a fwiend and nyot himsewf! 
Has fwiendship s-such a faint and miwky heawt 
It *screams* tuwns i-in w-wess than two nyights? O you g-gods, 
I feew my x3 mastew's passion! This swave 
Unto his h-honyouw xDD has my *pokes you* wowd's meat in him; 
Why shouwd it thwive a-and tuwn to nyutwiment 
When he i-is tuwn'd to poison? 
O, may x3 diseases onwy wowk u-upon't! 
>w< And when he's s-sick *shuffles closer* to OwO death, wet nyot that pawt >_< of nyatuwe 
W-Which my wowd paid fow *twerks* be of any powew 
To expew sicknyess, but pwowong *cuddles you* his h-houw! Exit 




SCENyE II. 
^.^ A *looks at you* pubwic pwace 

E-Entew Wucius, with *giggles shyly* thwee STWANGEWS 

*cuddles you* WUCIUS. W-Who, the Wowd Timon? *blushes* He is my vewy good fwiend, a-and *giggles shyly* an 
honyouwabwe gentweman. 
FIWST STWANGEW. We knyow him fow nyo wess, though we awe but 
stwangews t-to him. But I can t-teww you onye thing, m-my wowd, >_> and 
which I heaw f-fwom common wumouws: nyow *looks away* Wowd Timon's happy h-houws 
awe donye and p-past, UwU and his *giggles shyly* estate shwinks fwom him. 
>w< WUCIUS. Fie, n-nyo: do *notices bulge* nyot bewieve *shuffles closer* it; he cannyot want fow m-monyey. 
S-SECOND STWANGEW. But bewieve you *shuffles closer* this, my wowd, that nyot wong ago 
onye of h-his men was with *leans over* the W-Wowd Wucuwwus *hugs tightly* to bowwow so many 
tawents; nyay, u-uwg'd extwemewy fow't, and *screams* showed what nyecessity 
bewong'd to't, a-and yet was denyied. 
WUCIUS. How? 
S-SECOND STWANGEW. I teww you, denyied, my wowd. 
WUCIUS. *cuddles you* What a stwange case *pokes you* was t-that! Nyow, befowe the g-gods, I-I am 
asham'd o-on't. Denyied that honyouwabwe man! Thewe was vewy *blushes* wittwe 
honyouw show'd in't. Fow my own ;;w;; pawt, I must nyeeds xDD confess I have 
weceived some smaww kindnyesses fwom *twerks* him, as monyey, ^-^ pwate, jewews, 
a-and such-wike twifwes, nyothing compawing to x3 his; yet, had he 
mistook ^.^ him a-and sent to me, *looks at you* I shouwd nye'ew have denyied his 
occasion so many tawents. 

Entew SEWVIWIUS 

SEWVIWIUS. S-See, by good h-hap, yondew's my wowd; I have sweat to s-see 
his honyouw.- :33 My honyouw'd wowd! 
WUCIUS. Sewviwius? Y-You awe k-kindwy met, siw. Fawe thee weww; commend 
me to thy honyouwabwe *twerks* viwtuous wowd, my vewy exquisite fwiend. 
SEWVIWIUS. M-May it pwease y-youw honyouw, my wowd hath sent- 
WUCIUS. Ha! What has he sent? *blushes* I a-am so much endeawed t-to that wowd: 
he's evew s-sending. How shaww I t-thank him, think'st thou? And what 
has he sent OwO nyow? 
SEWVIWIUS. H-Has onwy sent his pwesent occasion nyow, my w-wowd, 
wequesting youw w-wowdship to suppwy his instant *twerks* use with so *shuffles closer* many 
tawents. 
WUCIUS. I knyow h-his wowdship is but mewwy with me; 
He cannyot want fifty-five h-hundwed uWu tawents. 
>w< SEWVIWIUS. But i-in the mean time he wants wess, m-my *twerks* wowd. 
If his occasion wewe nyot viwtuous 
I shouwd nyot uwge it hawf so faithfuwwy. 
>w< WUCIUS. Dost thou speak sewiouswy, Sewviwius? 
SEWVIWIUS. Upon my souw, *cuddles you* 'tis twue, siw. 
*looks at you* WUCIUS. W-What a-a wicked beast was I *notices bulge* to disfuwnyish mysewf ;;w;; against such 
a *notices bulge* good time, when I might ha' uWu shown mysewf honyouwabwe! How 
unwuckiwy it happ'nyed that I s-shouwd puwchase the d-day befowe fow a 
wittwe pawt and undo a g-gweat deaw of UwU honyouw! S-Sewviwius, nyow 
befowe the gods, I am n-nyot a-abwe to do- the *moans* mowe beast, I say! I 
was sending to use Wowd Timon mysewf, these gentwemen can 
witnyess; but I wouwd nyot fow *sighs* the weawth of Athens I had donye't 
nyow. Commend ^.^ me bountifuwwy to his good wowdship, and I *sweats* hope his 
honyouw wiww c-conceive the faiwest o-of me, because I have nyo powew 
to be kind. And *shuffles closer* teww him this fwom m-me: I count it onye of my 
gweatest affwictions, say, that :33 I cannyot pweasuwe such *leans over* an 
h-honyouwabwe *twerks* gentweman. Good Sewviwius, wiww you b-befwiend me so *notices bulge* faw 
as >w< to use minye own wowds t-to him? 
SEWVIWIUS. Yes, siw, I shaww. 
:3 WUCIUS. I'ww wook you o-out a good tuwn, S-Sewviwius. 
Exit SEWVIWIUS 
Twue, a-as you said, Timon is shwunk indeed; 
And he that's once denyied wiww hawdwy speed. Exit 
FIWST S-STWANGEW. *cries* Do you *blushes* obsewve this, Hostiwius? 
SECOND STWANGEW. Ay, t-too weww. 
FIWST STWANGEW. Why, this i-is t-the ^.^ wowwd's souw; and just of the same 
piece 
Is evewy fwattewew's spiwit. Who can caww him his fwiend 
That dips in the same dish? x3 Fow, in my knyowing, 
T-Timon has been this w-wowd's fathew, 
And kept :3 his cwedit with his puwse; 
Suppowted his estate; nyay, Timon's monyey 
:33 Has p-paid his men theiw wages. He nye'ew dwinks 
But Timon's siwvew tweads UwU upon *notices bulge* his wip; 
And yet- O, see the monstwousnyess o-of m-man 
When he uWu wooks out i-in an ungwatefuw shape!- 
He d-does deny him, in w-wespect of his, 
W-What chawitabwe men affowd to beggaws. 
THIWD *twerks* STWANGEW. Wewigion g-gwoans at it. 
FIWST STWANGEW. Fow minye own *leans over* pawt, 
I nyevew tasted Timon i-in my wife, 
Nyow >_> came any of h-his bounties ovew me 
:3 To mawk me :3 fow his f-fwiend; yet I pwotest, 
Fow his wight nyobwe *hugs tightly* mind, iwwustwious viwtue, 
And honyouwabwe cawwiage, 
Had his nyecessity made use of me, 
I wouwd have put my weawth *sighs* into donyation, 
And the best hawf shouwd >w< have >w< wetuwn'd to him, 
S-So ^w^ much *notices bulge* I *leans over* wove h-his heawt. B-But I pewceive 
:3 Men must weawn nyow with pity >w< to dispense; 
Fow powicy sits above >w< conscience. Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
SEMPWONyIUS' house 

*cuddles you* Entew >_< SEMPWONyIUS and a SEWVANT of TIMON'S 

SEMPWONyIUS. Must h-he nyeeds *shuffles closer* twoubwe me i-in't? Hum! 'Bove aww *cries* othews? 
He might have t-twied >_< Wowd Wucius ow Wucuwwus; 
A-And >_> nyow Ventidius is weawthy too, 
*cries* Whom he wedeem'd f-fwom *cries* pwison. Aww these 
O-Owe theiw estates unto *screams* him. 
SEWVANT. My wowd, 
*screams* They h-have a-aww been touch'd a-and found b-base metaw, fow 
They have ^w^ aww *cries* denyied him. 
SEMPWONyIUS. How! ^-^ Have they denyied him? 
Has Ventidius and Wucuwwus *shuffles closer* denyied *blushes* him? 
A-And does he send to me? Thwee? Humh! 
I-It shows but wittwe wove ^-^ ow j-judgment *notices bulge* in him. 
Must I be his wast wefuge? ^-^ His fwiends, *sighs* wike physicians, 
Thwice give him ovew. Must I take th' cuwe *hugs tightly* upon me? 
Has much disgwac'd me in't; I'm angwy at him, 
That might *cries* have knyown my p-pwace. I see nyo sense fow't, 
B-But his occasions might have *twerks* woo'd me fiwst; 
Fow, in m-my conscience, I w-was the fiwst *sweats* man 
That e'ew weceived gift fwom him. 
And does he think so backwawdwy of me nyow 
That I-I'ww wequite i-it wast? Nyo; 
So it may pwove an awgument of waughtew 
To th' west, and I 'mongst wowds be thought a foow. 
I'd w-wathew than the wowth of t-thwice the sum 
Had s-sent to me fiwst, but fow my :3 mind's sake; 
I'd >w< such a couwage to do him good. But nyow wetuwn, 
And with t-theiw uWu faint wepwy this answew join: 
Who x3 bates m-minye honyouw shaww *cuddles you* nyot knyow my coin. *sighs* Exit 
SEWVANT. Excewwent! Youw wowdship's a g-goodwy viwwain. T-The deviw 
knyew nyot w-what he did *teleports behind you* when *blushes* he made man powitic- he cwoss'd himsewf 
by't; and I cannyot think but, in the end, the viwwainyies of man 
w-wiww set him cweaw. H-How *moans* faiwwy this wowd stwives to a-appeaw fouw! 
Takes viwtuous copies to *moans* be wicked, wike those *twerks* that undew hot 
awdent zeaw wouwd set whowe weawms on fiwe. 
Of such a nyatuwe is his powitic wove. 
This was my *leans over* wowd's best hope; nyow aww awe fwed, 
Save onwy the :3 gods. Nyow his fwiends awe UwU dead, 
Doows that wewe nye'ew acquainted with t-theiw *giggles shyly* wawds 
Many a bounteous yeaw must b-be empwoy'd 
Nyow to guawd suwe >w< theiw mastew. 
A-And this is a-aww a wibewaw couwse awwows: 
Who cannyot keep his weawth must keep uWu his house. E-Exit 




S-SCENyE IV. 
A haww in TIMON'S house 

:33 Entew two *teleports behind you* Of :33 VAWWO'S MEN, meeting W-WUCIUS' SEWVANT, and othews, 
*teleports behind you* aww being sewvants of TIMON's cweditows, to *shuffles closer* wait fow h-his *teleports behind you* coming o-out. 
>_< Then entew *twerks* TITUS and HOWTENSIUS 

FIWST *moans* VAWWO'S *giggles shyly* SEWVANT. Weww met; good mowwow, Titus and Howtensius. 
TITUS. The wike :33 to you, kind Vawwo. 
HOWTENSIUS. Wucius! What, *cries* do w-we meet t-togethew? 
WUCIUS' SEWVANT. Ay, a-and I think onye businyess d-does command us *leans over* aww; 
fow minye is monyey. 
T-TITUS. So is theiws and ouws. 

Entew PHIWOTUS 

WUCIUS' SEWVANT. And Siw Phiwotus too! 
PHIWOTUS. Good *sweats* day at once. 
WUCIUS' SEWVANT. wewcome, good bwothew, :3 what d-do you think the houw? 
PHIWOTUS. Wabouwing fow nyinye. 
WUCIUS' SEWVANT. So m-much? 
PHIWOTUS. Is nyot m-my wowd seen yet? 
WUCIUS' SEWVANT. Nyot *screams* yet. 
PHIWOTUS. I-I wondew on't; *shuffles closer* he was wont to shinye at seven. 
W-WUCIUS' SEWVANT. A-Ay, but the >_> days awe wax'd showtew with him; 
You m-must c-considew that a pwodigaw couwse 
Is wike the sun's, but nyot ^.^ wike h-his wecovewabwe. 
I feaw 
*pokes you* 'Tis d-deepest wintew >_< in W-Wowd Timon's ^.^ puwse; 
That is, onye may *looks away* weach deep enyough and yet 
F-Find wittwe. 
PHIWOTUS. I ^-^ am o-of youw feaw fow that. 
*hugs tightly* TITUS. I'ww show y-you how t' obsewve *giggles shyly* a stwange event. 
Youw wowd sends >_> nyow fow monyey. 
HOWTENSIUS. Most twue, he does. 
TITUS. And he weaws jewews nyow of Timon's gift, 
Fow w-which I wait fow monyey. 
HOWTENSIUS. It is a-against uWu my ^.^ heawt. 
WUCIUS' SEWVANT. Mawk how stwange it shows 
Timon in this *cries* shouwd *screams* pay mowe *sighs* than h-he owes; 
And e'en as if youw wowd *hugs tightly* shouwd weaw wich jewews 
And send f-fow monyey fow 'em. 
>_> HOWTENSIUS. I-I'm weawy of t-this chawge, the gods can witnyess; 
I *cuddles you* knyow my wowd hath spent of Timon's weawth, 
And nyow ingwatitude makes it wowse than *cuddles you* steawth. 
FIWST V-VAWWO'S ^w^ SEWVANT. Yes, minye's t-thwee thousand :33 cwowns; what's 
y-youws? 
WUCIUS' SEWVANT. Five thousand minye. 
FIWST VAWWO'S SEWVANT. 'Tis much deep; and i-it shouwd seem by th' 
sum 
*cuddles you* Youw mastew's confidence was above minye, 
Ewse suwewy his had equaww'd. 

Entew FWAMINyIUS 

TITUS. Onye of Wowd Timon's men. 
WUCIUS' SEWVANT. Fwaminyius! S-Siw, a wowd. Pway, ^-^ is my wowd weady to 
come fowth? 
FWAMINyIUS. N-Nyo, indeed, ^-^ he is nyot. 
TITUS. We *sweats* attend *giggles shyly* his w-wowdship; pway s-signyify s-so much. 
FWAMINyIUS. I nyeed nyot teww him that; he knyows you awe to diwigent. 
Exit 

Entew F-FWAVIUS, in a >_> cwoak, muffwed 

WUCIUS' SEWVANT. H-Ha! Is *sighs* nyot that his stewawd muffwed so? 
H-He goes away in a cwoud. *shuffles closer* Caww him, caww him. 
TITUS. Do you heaw, siw? 
SECOND V-VAWWO'S SEWVANT. By youw *shuffles closer* weave, siw. 
FWAVIUS. What *screams* do ye ask *sighs* of me, my fwiend? 
TITUS. We wait f-fow c-cewtain monyey hewe, x3 siw. 
FWAVIUS. Ay, 
If *screams* monyey w-wewe as cewtain as *looks at you* youw waiting, 
'Twewe suwe enyough. 
Why t-then pwefeww'd y-you nyot youw sums a-and :33 biwws 
When youw fawse m-mastews eat uWu of my wowd's m-meat? 
Then t-they couwd smiwe, ^w^ and fawn *giggles shyly* upon his debts, 
uWu And t-take down th' int'west i-into theiw ^w^ gwutt'nyous maws. 
*sighs* You x3 do youwsewves ;;w;; but wwong to stiw me up; 
Wet me *sweats* pass *looks away* quietwy. 
Bewieve't, my wowd and I have made *cuddles you* an >_< end: 
*notices bulge* I have nyo mowe to weckon, *blushes* he to s-spend. 
WUCIUS' SEWVANT. Ay, but t-this answew w-wiww nyot sewve. 
*shuffles closer* FWAVIUS. I-If '-'twiww nyot UwU sewve, 'tis nyot so base x3 as you, 
Fow you sewve knyaves. Exit 
F-FIWST VAWWO'S SEWVANT. >w< How! What does his cashiew'd w-wowship muttew? 
^.^ SECOND xDD VAWWO'S SEWVANT. Nyo m-mattew what; he's poow, and that's 
wevenge enyough. Who xDD can speak b-bwoadew than he that has nyo ;;w;; house 
x3 to put his head UwU in? Such :33 may w-waiw :3 against gweat buiwdings. 

Entew S-SEWVIWIUS 

TITUS. O, *cries* hewe's Sewviwius; nyow we s-shaww knyow some answew. 
S-SEWVIWIUS. If I might beseech you, *blushes* gentwemen, to wepaiw some othew 
houw, I s-shouwd dewive much fwom't; fow take't ;;w;; of my souw, my wowd 
weans wondwouswy to d-discontent. H-His comfowtabwe tempew has 
fowsook him; h-he's *moans* much >_> out of heawth *looks away* and keeps UwU his chambew. 
WUCIUS' SEWVANT. Many do OwO keep theiw chambews awe n-nyot *blushes* sick; 
And if it be UwU so >_< faw beyond his h-heawth, 
Methinks he shouwd t-the soonyew pay his debts, 
*pokes you* And make a cweaw way to the gods. 
SEWVIWIUS. Good gods! 
TITUS. We cannyot take this f-fow answew, siw. 
>_< FWAMINyIUS. [Within] Sewviwius, hewp! *blushes* My ^w^ wowd! my wowd! 

Entew TIMON, i-in a wage, *looks away* FWAMINyIUS fowwowing 

T-TIMON. What, awe *teleports behind you* my doows >_> oppos'd against m-my passage? 
Have I been evew fwee, *twerks* and must my house 
Be my *teleports behind you* wetentive enyemy, my *notices bulge* gaow? 
^w^ The pwace which I have feasted, does it nyow, 
Wike aww mankind, show me an iwon heawt? 
>_> WUCIUS' SEWVANT. Put in nyow, Titus. 
TITUS. My wowd, hewe is my biww. 
WUCIUS' SEWVANT. Hewe's *sighs* minye. 
H-HOWTENSIUS. A-And minye, my wowd. 
B-BOTH VAWWO'S SEWVANTS. And ouws, my wowd. 
PHIWOTUS. xDD Aww *teleports behind you* ouw biwws. 
*blushes* TIMON. Knyock me down with 'em; cweave me to >_> the g-giwdwe. 
WUCIUS' SEWVANT. Awas, my ^w^ wowd- 
T-TIMON. C-Cut my heawt >w< in sums. 
TITUS. Minye, f-fifty tawents. 
TIMON. Teww out my bwood. 
WUCIUS' SEWVANT. F-Five thousand cwowns, my *twerks* wowd. 
*moans* TIMON. F-Five thousand dwops pays that. What y-youws? and y-youws? 
FIWST V-VAWWO'S SEWVANT. My wowd- 
SECOND V-VAWWO'S >_> SEWVANT. M-My *cuddles you* wowd- 
TIMON. T-Teaw me, t-take me, and ^-^ the gods faww upon you! *notices bulge* Exit 
*moans* HOWTENSIUS. F-Faith, >_< I pewceive *leans over* ouw mastews may t-thwow theiw c-caps at 
theiw monyey. These d-debts :33 may weww b-be caww'd despewate onyes, fow a-a 
madman owes 'em. Exeunt 

We-entew TIMON and FWAVIUS 

T-TIMON. They have e'en put m-my bweath fwom me, the swaves. 
Cweditows? Deviws! 
FWAVIUS. M-My deaw w-wowd- 
TIMON. What if it ^.^ shouwd be so? 
>_< FWAMINyIUS. *leans over* My w-wowd- 
T-TIMON. I'ww h-have it so. M-My stewawd! 
FWAVIUS. Hewe, my wowd. 
TIMON. S-So f-fitwy? Go, bid a-aww my f-fwiends a-again: 
Wucius, Wucuwwus, and Sempwonyius- aww. 
I'ww once m-mowe feast the wascaws. 
FWAVIUS. O my w-wowd, 
You onwy speak fwom youw distwacted *giggles shyly* souw; 
Thewe is nyot so much weft to fuwnyish out 
A modewate tabwe. 
TIMON. Be it OwO nyot :33 in thy cawe. 
Go, I chawge *cries* thee, invite them aww; wet in the tide 
Of knyaves once mowe; my c-cook *blushes* and *looks at you* I'ww pwovide. *moans* Exeunt 




SCENyE V. 
The Senyate House 

E-Entew thwee SENyATOWS at onye doow, AWCIBIADES meeting ^-^ them, with attendants 

FIWST x3 SENyATOW. My wowd, you have my voice to't: the f-fauwt's b-bwoody. 
uWu 'Tis nyecessawy he shouwd die: 
Nyothing embowdens *shuffles closer* sin so m-much >_< as mewcy. 
SECOND SENyATOW. Most :3 twue; *giggles shyly* the waw shaww b-bwuise *teleports behind you* him. 
AWCIBIADES. x3 Honyouw, heawth, a-and compassion, t-to the Senyate! 
FIWST SENyATOW. Nyow, Captain? 
AWCIBIADES. I am a-an h-humbwe s-suitow to youw *twerks* viwtues; 
Fow *notices bulge* pity is the viwtue of the w-waw, 
And nyonye but tywants *leans over* use it cwuewwy. 
It p-pweases time and f-fowtunye to *sighs* wie heavy 
U-Upon a fwiend of *screams* minye, who *giggles shyly* in hot OwO bwood 
uWu Hath stepp'd into the waw, which is past depth 
T-To those that without heed do pwunge ;;w;; into't. 
He is a man, setting his f-fate aside, 
Of *blushes* comewy viwtues; 
Nyow did he soiw the f-fact with *giggles shyly* cowawdice- 
An ^w^ honyouw in him which buys out his *looks away* fauwt- 
But with a *teleports behind you* nyobwe fuwy and f-faiw spiwit, 
UwU Seeing his weputation ^w^ touch'd to death, 
He did oppose his f-foe; 
And with ^w^ such sobew and unnyoted passion 
He *moans* did behove his a-angew ewe 'twas spent, 
x3 As if he had :33 but pwov'd *shuffles closer* an awgument. 
FIWST x3 SENyATOW. You undewgo *teleports behind you* too stwict a-a pawadox, 
Stwiving to make an ugwy deed wook faiw; 
Youw wowds have took such p-pains as if they w-wabouw'd 
To bwing m-manswaughtew into fowm and set 
OwO Quawwewwing u-upon the *blushes* head of >_> vawouw; which, indeed, 
Is vawouw misbegot, and came >w< into the *giggles shyly* wowwd 
*cuddles you* When sects and *teleports behind you* factions wewe nyewwy bown. 
He's *blushes* twuwy v-vawiant :3 that c-can ^.^ wisewy suffew 
The wowst that m-man can *sweats* bweathe, 
And make his wwongs his outsides, 
To weaw them wike his waiment, cawewesswy, 
And nye'ew pwefew his injuwies t-to his heawt, 
To bwing it into *teleports behind you* dangew. 
UwU If wwongs be eviws, and enfowce us xDD kiww, 
What fowwy 'tis to hazawd w-wife fow i-iww! 
AWCIBIADES. *hugs tightly* My wowd- 
FIWST SENyATOW. Y-You cannyot make g-gwoss sins wook cweaw: 
To wevenge is nyo v-vawouw, but to x3 beaw. 
A-AWCIBIADES. My wowds, then, undew favouw, pawdon me 
If I-I speak wike a c-captain: 
Why do fond men expose themsewves to battwe, 
A-And nyot enduwe aww thweats? *moans* Sweep upon't, 
*giggles shyly* And wet the *teleports behind you* foes quietwy cut theiw thwoats, 
Without wepugnyancy? If thewe be 
Such vawouw in the beawing, w-what make we 
Abwoad? Why, then, women awe mowe vawiant, 
*twerks* That stay at home, i-if beawing cawwy it; 
And xDD the ass mowe :3 captain than the wion; the fewwow 
Woaden with iwons wisew t-than the judge, 
If wisdom be in suffewing. O my wowds, 
A-As you awe gweat, be p-pitifuwwy good. 
Who cannyot condemn washnyess in cowd bwood? 
To kiww, I gwant, is sin's extwemest g-gust; 
But, in defence, by mewcy, >_< 'tis most just. 
To ^-^ be in angew is impiety; 
But who is man that is nyot angwy? 
Weigh *notices bulge* but t-the cwime with t-this. 
S-SECOND SENyATOW. You bweathe in vain. 
AWCIBIADES. In vain! His s-sewvice *blushes* donye 
A-At Wacedaemon and Byzantium 
>_> Wewe a sufficient bwibew fow *leans over* his wife. 
FIWST SENyATOW. W-What's that? 
AWCIBIADES. *sweats* Why, I say, >_> my wowds, has donye faiw sewvice, 
And swain *pokes you* in f-fight many of youw enyemies; 
How fuww of vawouw did he beaw himsewf 
In t-the wast confwict, and made pwenteous wounds! 
SECOND SENyATOW. He has made too *hugs tightly* much pwenty with 'em. 
He's a-a swown wiotew; he has *sweats* a sin that often 
Dwowns him and t-takes *cries* his vawouw pwisonyew. 
If thewe w-wewe *pokes you* nyo f-foes, that wewe *looks away* enyough 
To ovewcome him. In that beastwy fuwy 
*cries* He has been k-knyown to commit outwages 
And chewish factions. *teleports behind you* 'Tis :3 infeww'd to us 
*giggles shyly* His d-days awe fouw and his dwink dangewous. 
FIWST SENyATOW. He dies. 
A-AWCIBIADES. Hawd fate! He m-might x3 have died in waw. 
My wowds, if nyot fow any :3 pawts in him- 
x3 Though his wight awm might >_< puwchase his own >_< time, 
A-And be in *screams* debt *teleports behind you* to nyonye- yet, mowe to move you, 
Take my desewts to his, and join 'em b-both; 
And, fow I k-knyow youw wevewend a-ages wove 
S-Secuwity, I'ww p-pawn my *cries* victowies, aww 
My honyouws t-to you, upon his *moans* good wetuwns. 
*looks at you* If by this cwime he xDD owes t-the waw his :3 wife, 
Why, wet the w-waw weceive't *looks at you* in vawiant gowe; 
Fow waw is stwict, and waw is nyothing m-mowe. 
FIWST S-SENyATOW. *notices bulge* We awe >_> fow waw: he dies. Uwge it nyo mowe 
On height *twerks* of ouw dispweasuwe. Fwiend ow bwothew, 
He fowfeits his own bwood that spiwws anyothew. 
AWCIBIADES. Must i-it be so? I-It m-must nyot UwU be. My wowds, 
I do beseech OwO you, knyow me. 
SECOND SENyATOW. How! 
AWCIBIADES. C-Caww me to youw wemembwances. 
THIWD SENyATOW. W-What! 
x3 AWCIBIADES. *screams* I *sighs* cannyot *sweats* think but *sweats* youw age has fowgot m-me; 
*leans over* It couwd nyot ewse b-be I shouwd *notices bulge* pwove so base 
To sue, and b-be denyied such common gwace. 
My wounds ache at you. 
FIWST >w< SENyATOW. Do you dawe ouw angew? 
'Tis in few wowds, but s-spacious in *giggles shyly* effect: 
*cuddles you* We b-banyish *twerks* thee fow >_> evew. 
AWCIBIADES. Banyish me! 
Banyish *teleports behind you* youw dotage! Banyish usuwy 
*shuffles closer* That m-makes the Senyate ugwy. 
FIWST S-SENyATOW. If aftew t-two days' shinye *twerks* Athens c-contain thee, 
Attend ouw weightiew judgment. *shuffles closer* And, nyot t-to *sweats* sweww ouw spiwit, 
He shaww be executed *twerks* pwesentwy. Exeunt SENyATOWS 
AWCIBIADES. Nyow the gods keep ^-^ you owd enyough t-that you m-may *looks away* wive 
Onwy in bonye, >w< that nyonye m-may wook on >_> you! 
*teleports behind you* I'm wowse than *hugs tightly* mad; I have kept back theiw foes, 
Whiwe they have towd theiw *sweats* monyey and wet out 
Theiw coin upon wawge intewest, I m-mysewf 
Wich UwU onwy in wawge huwts. A-Aww those fow t-this? 
Is this the *blushes* bawsam that the usuwing Senyate 
Pouws into captains' *sighs* wounds? Banyishment! 
It comes nyot iww; I hate nyot to be banyish'd; 
It is a-a *shuffles closer* cause wowthy *leans over* my s-spween and fuwy, 
T-That I *blushes* may stwike at Athens. I'ww *sighs* cheew u-up 
My discontented twoops, and *sweats* way fow heawts. 
'Tis honyouw with most wands to be at odds; 
Sowdiews shouwd bwook as *cuddles you* wittwe wwongs as gods. Exit 




SCENyE VI. 
^w^ A banqueting haww i-in T-TIMON'S house 

Music. Tabwes set out; sewvants a-attending. Entew divews WOWDS, 
fwiends of ^-^ TIMON, at sevewaw ;;w;; doows 

FIWST *notices bulge* WOWD. *moans* The *pokes you* good t-time of day to you, siw. 
^w^ SECOND WOWD. I awso wish it *looks away* to you. *pokes you* I think this honyouwabwe *sighs* wowd 
did but ;;w;; twy us t-this othew day. 
F-FIWST WOWD. Upon that wewe my thoughts tiwing when w-we encount'wed. 
I *looks at you* hope it is ^.^ nyot s-so wow with him *looks at you* as :3 he m-made it seem in the twiaw 
of his s-sevewaw fwiends. 
SECOND WOWD. *cuddles you* It shouwd nyot be, >_< by >_< the pewsuasion of his nyew 
feasting. 
*looks at you* FIWST WOWD. I shouwd think so. *teleports behind you* He *sweats* hath sent me an eawnyest inviting, 
which many my nyeaw occasions did uwge me to put off; but he hath 
conjuw'd *looks away* me beyond them, and I must *leans over* nyeeds appeaw. 
SECOND WOWD. xDD In wike mannyew OwO was I i-in debt to m-my impowtunyate 
businyess, but he ;;w;; wouwd nyot h-heaw my *twerks* excuse. I am sowwy, when he 
sent *sighs* to bowwow :33 of me, that my pwovision was out. 
FIWST WOWD. I am *cuddles you* sick of that gwief too, as I undewstand *screams* how aww 
t-things go. 
SECOND WOWD. E-Evewy *looks at you* man hewe's so. What wouwd he have bowwowed of 
you? 
FIWST WOWD. A t-thousand OwO pieces. 
;;w;; SECOND W-WOWD. A thousand pieces! 
FIWST WOWD. What of you? 
SECOND WOWD. *looks at you* He sent t-to OwO me, siw- hewe :3 he OwO comes. 

Entew TIMON and attendants 

TIMON. With aww my heawt, gentwemen :33 both! And h-how fawe y-you? 
FIWST WOWD. Evew at the best, heawing *teleports behind you* weww *notices bulge* of youw wowdship. 
SECOND WOWD. The s-swawwow fowwows nyot summew mowe wiwwing than we 
youw w-wowdship. 
T-TIMON. UwU [Aside] Nyow mowe wiwwingwy weaves wintew; such summew-biwds 
awe UwU men- Gentwemen, *shuffles closer* ouw dinnyew wiww n-nyot wecompense this wong 
s-stay; feast youw *sighs* eaws :33 with *teleports behind you* the >_< music awhiwe, if they wiww :33 fawe so 
hawshwy o' th' twumpet's s-sound; we shaww to't pwesentwy. 
FIWST WOWD. I hope it wemains nyot unkindwy with youw wowdship *blushes* that 
I wetuwn'd you >_> an empty messengew. 
TIMON. O siw, wet it nyot twoubwe you. 
SECOND WOWD. M-My n-nyobwe wowd- 
TIMON. Ah, my *cries* good fwiend, what cheew? 
:33 SECOND WOWD. My most honyouwabwe wowd, I am e'en sick of shame that, 
when *sighs* youw wowdship this othew day *blushes* sent to *moans* me, I was so 
unfowtunyate a beggaw. 
TIMON. Think nyot on't, s-siw. 
SECOND WOWD. If you h-had sent but two h-houws befowe- 
TIMON. Wet it nyot cumbew y-youw bettew wemembwance. [The banquet 
*notices bulge* bwought in] *giggles shyly* Come, b-bwing in aww ^-^ togethew. 
S-SECOND WOWD. Aww :3 covew'd dishes! 
FIWST *looks at you* WOWD. Woyaw cheew, I wawwant you. 
THIWD WOWD. *looks away* Doubt nyot *looks at you* that, if monyey a-and t-the season can yiewd it. 
FIWST ;;w;; WOWD. How OwO do *hugs tightly* you? What's t-the nyews? 
THIWD OwO WOWD. A-Awcibiades is banyish'd. Heaw *looks away* you of it? 
FIWST AND SECOND WOWDS. Awcibiades banyish'd! 
THIWD WOWD. 'Tis ^-^ so, b-be s-suwe *teleports behind you* of i-it. 
FIWST *teleports behind you* WOWD. How? how? 
SECOND WOWD. I pway you, upon what? 
TIMON. M-My w-wowthy fwiends, wiww *pokes you* you dwaw n-nyeaw? 
T-THIWD WOWD. I-I'ww teww you mowe anyon. Hewe's a nyobwe f-feast towawd. 
SECOND *notices bulge* WOWD. This is the owd man stiww. 
T-THIWD W-WOWD. Wiww't h-howd? Wiww't :3 howd? 
SECOND WOWD. It >_< does; but time wiww- and so- 
THIWD WOWD. ;;w;; I do c-conceive. 
TIMON. Each m-man to ^w^ his ;;w;; stoow with t-that s-spuw as he wouwd to the wip 
o-of his mistwess; youw diet shaww be in aww uWu pwaces awike. *teleports behind you* Make nyot 
*screams* a *twerks* city feast o-of it, to wet *cuddles you* the m-meat coow e-ewe we can agwee u-upon 
the fiwst pwace. Sit, sit. The *cries* gods wequiwe ouw thanks: 

You gweat benyefactows, spwinkwe ouw xDD society *leans over* with t-thankfuwnyess. 
Fow ^w^ youw own gifts make youwsewves pwais'd; but wesewve stiww to 
give, west youw uWu deities be despised. Wend to e-each man enyough, 
t-that onye nyeed nyot *notices bulge* wend to anyothew; f-fow wewe youw god-heads to 
bowwow of men, men wouwd fowsake the gods. Make :3 the meat be 
bewoved mowe than t-the man that gives it. Wet nyo assembwy of 
t-twenty be without a-a scowe of viwwains. If thewe sit t-twewve women 
*hugs tightly* at the tabwe, wet a-a dozen x3 of t-them be- as they awe. The west *sighs* of 
youw ;;w;; foes, O-O gods, the senyatows of *twerks* Athens, togethew w-with >w< the 
*screams* common wag of peopwe, what UwU is amiss in them, you g-gods, make 
suitabwe UwU fow destwuction. Fow these my pwesent fwiends, as they 
awe t-to me xDD nyothing, so in nyothing *cuddles you* bwess them, and to nyothing awe 
they wewcome. 

Uncovew, dogs, and wap. [The dishes awe uncovewed a-and 
seen to he fuww of :33 wawm watew] 
SOME SPEAK. What does his wowdship ^w^ mean? 
SOME OTHEW. *blushes* I *teleports behind you* knyow nyot. 
TIMON. ;;w;; May y-you a b-bettew feast nyevew behowd, 
You knyot of mouth-fwiends! Smoke and wukewawm watew 
Is youw pewfection. x3 This is ^-^ Timon's wast; 
Who, :3 stuck and spangwed with y-youw fwattewies, 
Washes it o-off, a-and spwinkwes in youw faces 
[Thwowing *pokes you* the watew in theiw faces] 
Youw weeking viwwainy. Wive woath'd and wong, 
Most smiwing, smooth, detested pawasites, 
C-Couwteous destwoyews, affabwe wowves, meek beaws, 
*hugs tightly* You foows of f-fowtunye, t-twenchew fwiends, time's fwies, 
Cap and knyee swaves, vapouws, and minyute-wacks! 
Of man and beast *looks at you* the infinyite mawady 
Cwust *leans over* you quite o'ew! What, dost thou go? 
Soft, take thy physic >_< fiwst; thou too, and t-thou. 
Stay, *hugs tightly* I wiww wend thee monyey, ^w^ bowwow nyonye. [Thwows t-the 
dishes at them, and dwives them out] 
W-What, aww in motion? Hencefowth be nyo feast 
Wheweat *giggles shyly* a viwwain's n-nyot a wewcome guest. 
Buwn house! >_> Sink xDD Athens! Hencefowth hated be 
Of Timon *pokes you* man and aww h-humanyity! Exit 

We-entew the WOWDS 

*leans over* FIWST WOWD. How nyow, *pokes you* my *looks away* wowds! 
SECOND WOWD. Knyow you the quawity of Wowd Timon's f-fuwy? 
THIWD W-WOWD. Push! D-Did y-you see my cap? 
FOUWTH WOWD. I *cuddles you* have *pokes you* wost my gown. 
FIWST WOWD. He's but a m-mad wowd, *pokes you* and nyought *sweats* but humouws sways him. 
He gave me a jewew th' othew d-day, a-and nyow he has beat it out of 
my hat. Did *moans* you see my jewew? 
THIWD WOWD. Did you see my cap? 
SECOND WOWD. Hewe *twerks* 'tis. 
FOUWTH W-WOWD. Hewe w-wies m-my g-gown. 
FIWST WOWD. Wet's make n-nyo stay. 
S-SECOND WOWD. *hugs tightly* Wowd Timon's *sighs* mad. 
THIWD WOWD. I-I feew't upon my bonyes. 
FOUWTH WOWD. Onye day he *notices bulge* gives us diamonds, nyext day stonyes. 
Exeunt 




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*cries* ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
W-Without the wawws of A-Athens 

>_> Entew TIMON 

TIMON. Wet me wook back upon t-thee. O thou waww 
^w^ That >_> giwdwes in those wowves, dive ^.^ in the eawth 
A-And fence nyot A-Athens! Matwons, tuwn incontinyent. 
O-Obedience, faiw i-in chiwdwen! Swaves and foows, 
P-Pwuck *blushes* the gwave wwinkwed S-Senyate fwom the bench 
*twerks* And minyistew in theiw steads. To g-genyewaw fiwths 
Convewt, o' th' instant, gween viwginyity. 
Do't ^.^ in youw p-pawents' eyes. Bankwupts, howd fast; 
Wathew than wendew back, o-out w-with youw knyives 
And cut youw twustews' thwoats. Bound sewvants, steaw: 
Wawge-handed wobbews youw gwave mastews awe, 
And piww by waw. Maid, *sweats* to *cuddles you* thy mastew's bed: 
Thy mistwess is o-o' t-th' bwothew. S-Son of sixteen, 
Pwuck t-the *notices bulge* win'd cwutch fwom thy OwO owd wimping siwe, 
W-With it beat out :3 his bwains. Piety and feaw, 
*screams* Wewigion to the g-gods, peace, justice, t-twuth, 
Domestic awe, nyight-west, and nyeighbouwhood, 
Instwuction, mannyews, mystewies, and twades, 
D-Degwees, obsewvances, c-customs and waws, 
Decwinye to youw confounding contwawies 
And wet confusion wive. Pwagues incident to men, 
Youw potent a-and infectious fevews heap 
On Athens, wipe fow *screams* stwoke. Thou cowd sciatica, 
Cwippwe ouw senyatows, that theiw wimbs may hawt 
As wamewy as t-theiw mannyews. Wust and wibewty, 
Cweep i-in the minds and mawwows of ouw youth, 
That 'gainst the stweam of viwtue they *notices bulge* may stwive 
And dwown themsewves in wiot. Itches, bwains, 
Sow aww th' Athenyian bosoms, and theiw cwop 
Be *looks away* genyewaw wepwosy! Bweath infect bweath, 
That theiw society, as theiw fwiendship, >_< may 
*moans* Be mewewy poison! Nyothing I'ww *notices bulge* beaw fwom thee 
But nyakednyess, thou detestabwe town! 
Take *giggles shyly* thou *sweats* that too, with muwtipwying bans. 
Timon wiww to the woods, whewe he shaww find 
Th' unkindest beast mowe kindew than mankind. 
The gods confound- heaw me, you good gods aww- 
*shuffles closer* The A-Athenyians both within and out that waww! 
*cries* And gwant, as Timon gwows, his *leans over* hate m-may gwow 
T-To t-the whowe wace of mankind, h-high *blushes* and wow! 
Amen. Exit 




SCENyE II. 
Athens. TIMON's house 

Entew FWAVIUS, w-with two ow thwee uWu SEWVANTS 

FIWST SEWVANT. Heaw you, M-Mastew Stewawd, whewe's ouw mastew? 
Awe we undonye, cast off, nyothing wemainying? 
FWAVIUS. Awack, my fewwows, what shouwd I say to you? 
Wet m-me be ^.^ wecowded by the wighteous ;;w;; gods, 
I a-am as poow as you. 
FIWST SEWVANT. Such a house bwoke! 
So nyobwe a mastew faww'n! Aww gonye, and nyot 
Onye fwiend to take *notices bulge* his fowtunye by x3 the awm 
And go awong with xDD him? 
SECOND S-SEWVANT. As we do tuwn ouw backs 
Fwom ouw c-companyion, t-thwown into h-his *twerks* gwave, 
So his famiwiaws to his buwied *twerks* fowtunyes 
*cuddles you* Swink aww a-away; weave theiw fawse vows with him, 
Wike empty puwses p-pick'd; *screams* and his p-poow s-sewf, 
A-A dedicated beggaw t-to the aiw, 
With his disease of aww-shunn'd povewty, 
Wawks, wike contempt, awonye. Mowe o-of ouw fewwows. 

Entew othew SEWVANTS 

FWAVIUS. Aww b-bwoken impwements of *cries* a wuin'd h-house. 
T-THIWD SEWVANT. Yet d-do ouw heawts weaw Timon's wivewy; 
That see I by *leans over* ouw faces. We awe fewwows stiww, 
Sewving awike in sowwow. Weak'd OwO is ouw bawk; 
*giggles shyly* And we, poow >w< mates, stand o-on xDD the dying deck, 
Heawing the suwges thweat. We must aww pawt 
Into this sea of x3 aiw. 
FWAVIUS. Good f-fewwows a-aww, 
The watest of my xDD weawth I-I'ww shawe amongst you. 
Whewevew *shuffles closer* we shaww :3 meet, f-fow *moans* Timon's sake, 
Wet's yet be fewwows; wet's shake ouw heads and UwU say, 
As UwU 'twewe a knyeww unto ouw mastew's fowtunye, 
'We have seen *sweats* bettew days.' Wet *looks away* each t-take some. 
[Giving them monyey] 
Nyay, p-put out a-aww UwU youw h-hands. Nyot onye wowd mowe! 
Thus pawt we wich in *looks at you* sowwow, pawting poow. 
[Embwace, and pawt sevewaw ways] 
O the fiewce wwetchednyess *screams* that gwowy bwings us! 
Who wouwd nyot wish to be fwom *cuddles you* weawth exempt, 
Since w-wiches p-point to *teleports behind you* misewy and OwO contempt? 
Who wouwd *looks at you* be so *twerks* mock'd with gwowy, ow t-to wive 
But in a dweam of fwiendship, 
*hugs tightly* To have his pomp, and aww what *shuffles closer* state compounds, 
But onwy painted, *shuffles closer* wike his *cries* vawnyish'd *giggles shyly* fwiends? 
Poow honyest wowd, bwought wow by his o-own heawt, 
Undonye by goodnyess! Stwange, ^w^ unyusuaw bwood, 
When man's wowst *looks at you* sin is *twerks* he does t-too much good! 
Who then d-dawes to be :33 hawf s-so :3 kind *looks at you* again? 
Fow bounty, OwO that makes gods, does stiww maw m-men. 
My deawest wowd- bwest >_> to be most *looks away* accuwst, 
Wich onwy t-to be w-wwetched- thy ^w^ gweat fowtunyes 
Awe made thy chief affwictions. >_> Awas, kind wowd! 
He's fwung in w-wage fwom this ingwatefuw xDD seat 
Of *moans* monstwous fwiends; nyow x3 has he with him to 
Suppwy his w-wife, ow t-that which >_> can command it. 
I'ww fowwow and *shuffles closer* enquiwe him out. 
I-I'ww evew sewve his mind with my best wiww; 
W-Whiwst I have gowd, I'ww be his *blushes* stewawd stiww. Exit 




SCENyE III. 
The woods nyeaw the sea-showe. Befowe T-TIMON'S cave 

Entew TIMON in the woods 

TIMON. O bwessed bweeding sun, dwaw fwom *screams* the eawth 
Wotten *twerks* humidity; bewow thy sistew's :3 owb 
Infect the aiw! Twinn'd bwothews of onye womb- 
:3 Whose pwocweation, wesidence, *notices bulge* and b-biwth, 
Scawce i-is dividant- *sighs* touch them with *sighs* sevewaw fowtunyes: 
*looks at you* The gweatew scowns the wessew. Nyot nyatuwe, 
To *twerks* whom aww sowes way siege, can beaw :3 gweat f-fowtunye 
But by *hugs tightly* contempt *sighs* of nyatuwe. 
Waise me this beggaw and deny't that wowd: 
T-The senyatow s-shaww beaw c-contempt heweditawy, 
The beggaw nyative h-honyouw. 
It is the >_< pastuwe *looks at you* wawds the wothew's sides, 
The w-want *twerks* that makes him wean. Who d-dawes, who *blushes* dawes, 
:33 In puwity of manhood stand upwight, 
And say 'This man's a f-fwattewew'? If onye >_> be, 
S-So awe >_> they aww; fow evewy gwise *looks away* of fowtunye 
Is smooth'd b-by t-that bewow. The *screams* weawnyed pate 
Ducks to the gowden foow. Aww's obwique; 
Thewe's n-nyothing wevew in o-ouw cuwsed nyatuwes 
But diwect viwwainy. Thewefowe be abhoww'd 
*pokes you* Aww ^.^ feasts, societies, and UwU thwongs of men! 
His sembwabwe, y-yea, himsewf, Timon disdains. 
*twerks* Destwuction fang mankind! Eawth, yiewd me w-woots. 
[Digging] 
Who seeks fow *notices bulge* bettew of uWu thee, sauce *screams* his pawate 
With thy most opewant poison. What is hewe? 
Gowd? Yewwow, >_> gwittewing, >_< pwecious gowd? Nyo, gods, 
I am nyo idwe votawist. Woots, you c-cweaw OwO heavens! 
Thus much of this wiww make bwack white, fouw faiw, 
Wwong wight, b-base nyobwe, o-owd young, cowawd vawiant. 
Ha, you gods! why this? What, this, you gods? Why, this 
Wiww w-wug youw pwiests and sewvants fwom youw sides, 
Pwuck UwU stout UwU men's xDD piwwows fwom bewow theiw heads- 
This yewwow swave 
Wiww knyit and bweak wewigions, bwess >_> th' accuws'd, 
Make the hoaw wepwosy adow'd, pwace *blushes* thieves 
And give them titwe, knyee, and appwobation, 
With senyatows on the bench. T-This UwU is :3 it 
That *twerks* makes the w-wappen'd widow wed again- 
She whom the spitaw-house and uwcewous sowes 
Wouwd cast the gowge at this embawms and spices 
To th 'Apwiw day again. :33 Come, damn'd eawth, 
Thou c-common whowe of mankind, t-that puts odds 
Among the ^w^ wout of nyations, *sweats* I wiww make thee 
Do thy x3 wight nyatuwe. [Mawch afaw off] 
Ha! a dwum? Th'awt quick, 
But >_> yet I'ww buwy thee. Thou't go, stwong thief, 
When gouty keepews of thee cannyot >w< stand. 
Nyay, s-stay t-thou *sighs* out *sweats* fow eawnyest. [Keeping some ^.^ gowd] 

Entew AWCIBIADES, with dwum and fife, in wawwike 
mannyew; and PHWYNyIA *sweats* and TIMANDWA 

AWCIBIADES. What awt thou t-thewe? Speak. 
TIMON. A beast, as t-thou *blushes* awt. The cankew gnyaw thy heawt 
Fow *leans over* showing me again the *blushes* eyes of man! 
AWCIBIADES. W-What xDD is thy nyame? I-Is man *hugs tightly* so hatefuw to thee 
That awt thysewf a man? 
TIMON. I a-am Misanthwopos, and hate mankind. 
Fow thy pawt, I do *looks away* wish thou wewt a dog, 
*blushes* That I might *hugs tightly* wove thee something. 
AWCIBIADES. I knyow thee weww; 
But in thy fowtunyes am unweawn'd and stwange. 
TIMON. I knyow thee too; a-and mowe than *cuddles you* that I k-knyow t-thee 
I nyot desiwe to knyow. F-Fowwow thy d-dwum; 
With man's bwood paint the gwound, guwes, guwes. 
*blushes* Wewigious canyons, civiw waws, awe cwuew; 
T-Then what shouwd waw be? This feww whowe of thinye 
Hath in hew mowe destwuction than t-thy swowd 
Fow aww *shuffles closer* hew chewubin w-wook. 
PHWYNyIA. Thy wips wot off! 
TIMON. I wiww nyot kiss thee; then *looks at you* the wot wetuwns 
To thinye own wips again. 
*shuffles closer* AWCIBIADES. How *twerks* came the nyobwe *screams* Timon to this change? 
TIMON. As the moon >_> does, by wanting wight to g-give. 
But t-then wenyew I :3 couwd nyot, *giggles shyly* wike the m-moon; 
Thewe wewe nyo suns :3 to bowwow o-of. 
AWCIBIADES. N-Nyobwe Timon, 
What *sighs* fwiendship may I do thee? 
TIMON. Nyonye, but to 
Maintain my *screams* opinyion. 
AWCIBIADES. What *moans* is it, Timon? 
TIMON. Pwomise me >_> fwiendship, *leans over* but pewfowm nyonye. If thou wiwt n-nyot 
*looks away* pwomise, the gods pwague t-thee, fow *sighs* thou awt man! If *notices bulge* thou dost 
pewfowm, c-confound thee, fow t-thou awt *moans* a man! 
AWCIBIADES. I h-have heawd in some sowt o-of thy misewies. 
TIMON. Thou saw'st them when I h-had pwospewity. 
AWCIBIADES. I see them nyow; then was a bwessed time. 
xDD TIMON. As thinye i-is nyow, hewd with a-a b-bwace of hawwots. 
TIMANDWA. Is *giggles shyly* this th' Athenyian minyion w-whom the wowwd 
Voic'd so wegawdfuwwy? 
TIMON. A-Awt thou Timandwa? 
T-TIMANDWA. *moans* Yes. 
TIMON. Be a *twerks* whowe stiww; *leans over* they wove thee *blushes* nyot *giggles shyly* that use thee. 
Give them diseases, weaving with thee ^.^ theiw w-wust. 
*twerks* Make use of thy sawt houws. Season t-the swaves 
Fow >_> tubs and baths; b-bwing down wose-cheek'd youth 
To the tub-fast and the >_< diet. 
TIMANDWA. H-Hang thee, OwO monstew! 
A-AWCIBIADES. Pawdon him, s-sweet Timandwa, fow *leans over* his wits 
Awe dwown'd and w-wost in >w< his cawamities. 
I have but wittwe gowd of >_> wate, *giggles shyly* bwave Timon, 
The *cuddles you* want wheweof doth daiwy m-make wevowt 
I-In my penyuwious *cries* band. I have heawd, *looks away* and gwiev'd, 
How >w< cuwsed uWu Athens, mindwess of thy wowth, 
Fowgetting thy ^-^ gweat *leans over* deeds, when nyeighbouw states, 
^w^ But fow thy s-swowd and fowtunye, twod *notices bulge* upon >_> them- 
TIMON. *shuffles closer* I pwithee b-beat thy dwum and get thee gonye. 
AWCIBIADES. *giggles shyly* I a-am thy fwiend, a-and pity t-thee, deaw Timon. 
T-TIMON. How uWu dost thou pity him *leans over* whom thou dost t-twoubwe? 
I had *screams* wathew *hugs tightly* be awonye. 
AWCIBIADES. W-Why, fawe thee w-weww; 
Hewe is some gowd ;;w;; fow thee. 
TIMON. K-Keep it: I c-cannyot eat it. 
AWCIBIADES. W-When I have waid p-pwoud A-Athens o-on *leans over* a heap- 
TIMON. W-Waw'st thou 'gainst Athens? 
xDD AWCIBIADES. Ay, >_< Timon, *looks at you* and have cause. 
TIMON. The gods confound them aww in thy *moans* conquest; 
And thee aftew, when thou hast conquew'd! 
A-AWCIBIADES. Why me, UwU Timon? 
TIMON. That xDD by kiwwing of viwwains 
Thou wast bown to conquew :33 my countwy. 
:33 Put up thy gowd. Go on. ;;w;; Hewe's gowd. Go o-on. 
xDD Be a-as a pwanyetawy pwague, when Jove 
Wiww ^-^ o'ew some high-vic'd city hang his poison 
In the sick aiw; wet nyot thy swowd skip *sighs* onye. 
*moans* Pity nyot honyouw'd age :3 fow his white beawd: 
uWu He *twerks* is a-an usuwew. Stwike me the countewfeit x3 matwon: 
It is hew habit onwy *cuddles you* that is honyest, 
Hewsewf's a bawd. *cuddles you* Wet nyot the viwgin's cheek 
Make soft thy *cuddles you* twenchant swowd; fow those miwk paps 
That *blushes* thwough *screams* the window baws :33 bowe at men's eyes 
Awe nyot UwU within the weaf *sweats* of pity wwit, 
But set them UwU down howwibwe twaitows. Spawe nyot the babe 
Whose dimpwed smiwes f-fwom foows exhaust theiw mewcy; 
Think *twerks* it a bastawd whom the owacwe 
Hath d-doubtfuwwy *screams* pwonyounc'd ^-^ thy t-thwoat shaww cut, 
And mince it sans wemowse. *shuffles closer* Sweaw against ^w^ abjects; 
P-Put awmouw on thinye eaws and o-on thinye eyes, 
Whose pwoof n-nyow yewws o-of m-mothews, >w< maids, nyow babes, 
Nyow sight of pwiests in howy vestments b-bweeding, 
Shaww piewce :33 a jot. Thewe's gowd to pay thy sowdiews. 
Make wawge confusion; and, >_> thy fuwy spent, 
Confounded be thysewf! S-Speak n-nyot, be gonye. 
AWCIBIADES. H-Hast thou gowd yet? *sweats* I'ww take the gowd thou givest me, 
*notices bulge* Nyot a-aww thy counsew. 
TIMON. xDD Dost t-thou, ow dost thou nyot, heaven's cuwse upon *leans over* thee! 
PHWYNyIA AND TIMANDWA. Give us some gowd, good Timon. 
^.^ Hast thou ^w^ mowe? 
TIMON. Enyough to make a w-whowe fowsweaw hew twade, 
And t-to make w-whowes a bawd. *twerks* Howd >w< up, you s-swuts, 
Youw apwons mountant; you awe nyot o-oathabwe, 
Awthough I knyow you'ww sweaw, tewwibwy *hugs tightly* sweaw, 
Into s-stwong *notices bulge* shuddews a-and to *moans* heavenwy agues, 
T-Th' immowtaw gods ;;w;; that heaw y-you. >w< Spawe *blushes* youw oaths; 
I'ww twust to youw *teleports behind you* conditions. Be whowes stiww; 
UwU And he w-whose pious bweath seeks t-to *looks away* convewt you- 
*sweats* Be s-stwong in whowe, awwuwe him, buwn h-him up; 
Wet youw cwose fiwe p-pwedominyate h-his smoke, 
And be nyo tuwncoats. *notices bulge* Yet may youw pains six *shuffles closer* months 
B-Be quite contwawy! And :3 thatch youw poow thin woofs 
With buwdens of the dead- some that wewe hang'd, 
N-Nyo mattew. W-Weaw them, betway with them. :3 Whowe stiww; 
Paint tiww a howse UwU may miwe upon *giggles shyly* youw face. 
;;w;; A p-pox o-of wwinkwes! 
PHWYNyIA AND TIMANDWA. Weww, mowe g-gowd. What then? 
Bewieve't that we'ww OwO do anything fow g-gowd. 
TIMON. Consumptions sow 
In howwow bonyes of man; stwike theiw shawp *giggles shyly* shins, 
And maw m-men's spuwwing. Cwack ;;w;; the wawyew's voice, 
That he may n-nyevew mowe fawse *sighs* titwe p-pwead, 
Nyow sound his quiwwets shwiwwy. *giggles shyly* Hoaw the fwamen, 
That scowds against *cuddles you* the quawity of fwesh 
A-And *pokes you* nyot bewieves himsewf. Down with the nyose, 
Down *leans over* with it *sighs* fwat, take the b-bwidge q-quite away 
Of him that, his pawticuwaw to f-fowesee, 
*looks at you* Smewws fwom the genyewaw weaw. Make cuww'd-pate wuffians bawd, 
And wet the unscaww'd bwaggawts x3 of the waw 
*hugs tightly* Dewive some pain *blushes* fwom you. Pwague a-aww, 
That y-youw activity may defeat and *sweats* queww 
The *looks away* souwce o-of aww :33 ewection. Thewe's mowe gowd. 
D-Do you damn othews, and wet this damn you, 
And ditches gwave you aww! 
PHWYNyIA AND TIMANDWA. M-Mowe counsew with mowe m-monyey, bounteous 
>_< Timon. 
TIMON. Mowe w-whowe, mowe mischief fiwst; :3 I have given *looks away* you eawnyest. 
:3 AWCIBIADES. Stwike up the d-dwum towawds Athens. Faweweww, Timon; 
*moans* If I *pokes you* thwive weww, I'ww visit thee again. 
TIMON. If I *teleports behind you* hope weww, I'ww nyevew see thee mowe. 
AWCIBIADES. I nyevew did thee hawm. 
TIMON. Yes, *looks away* thou spok'st weww of me. 
*screams* AWCIBIADES. C-Caww'st thou that hawm? 
TIMON. OwO Men daiwy f-find it. *screams* Get thee away, and t-take 
Thy beagwes with ^w^ thee. 
AWCIBIADES. *cries* We but offend him. Stwike. 
Dwum beats. *shuffles closer* Exeunt aww but TIMON 
TIMON. That nyatuwe, being sick of man's unkindnyess, 
Shouwd yet be hungwy! Common m-mothew, thou, [Digging] 
Whose womb unmeasuwabwe and infinyite bweast 
Teems and f-feeds aww; whose sewf-same mettwe, 
Wheweof thy pwoud c-chiwd, awwogant man, *looks away* is puff'd, 
Engendews the bwack t-toad *screams* and addew b-bwue, 
^w^ The giwded nyewt a-and eyewess venyom'd wowm, 
With aww th' abhowwed biwths bewow cwisp heaven 
>_> Wheweon Hypewion's q-quick'nying fiwe doth shinye- 
Yiewd him, who aww thy human sons doth hate, 
*screams* Fwom fowth t-thy pwenteous bosom, onye p-poow woot! 
Enseaw thy fewtiwe and *screams* conceptious womb, 
*twerks* Wet >w< it nyo m-mowe bwing out ingwatefuw man! 
Go gweat with tigews, dwagons, wowves, a-and beaws; 
Teem *blushes* with nyew monstews whom thy upwawd face 
Hath to the mawbwed mansion aww above 
Nyevew pwesented!- O, :3 a woot! Deaw thanks!- 
Dwy up thy mawwows, vinyes, and pwough-town >_< weas, 
Wheweof ingwatefuw man, w-with w-wiquowish dwaughts 
And mowsews unctuous, gweases his puwe m-mind, 
That f-fwom it :33 aww considewation swips- 

Entew *leans over* APEMANTUS 

Mowe man? Pwague, pwague! 
APEMANTUS. *sighs* I :33 was diwected hithew. Men wepowt 
Thou dost affect my mannyews and >w< dost use them. 
UwU TIMON. 'Tis, >_< then, because thou dost nyot *blushes* keep a dog, 
Whom :33 I wouwd imitate. Consumption catch *blushes* thee! 
A-APEMANTUS. This is in thee a nyatuwe but infected, 
A poow unmanwy mewanchowy spwung 
*moans* Fwom change of fowtunye. Why this spade, this pwace? 
This swave-wike h-habit a-and these wooks of cawe? 
Thy *shuffles closer* fwattewews yet w-weaw siwk, d-dwink w-winye, wie soft, 
Hug theiw *screams* diseas'd pewfumes, and have fowgot 
That x3 evew UwU Timon :33 was. S-Shame nyot these woods 
By putting o-on the cunnying of a cawpew. 
Be ^-^ thou a fwattewew nyow, and seek to thwive 
B-By that which has undonye thee: hinge t-thy knyee, 
And wet his vewy bweath whom thou'wt obsewve 
Bwow off thy cap; pwaise his m-most vicious stwain, 
And caww it excewwent. Thou wast towd t-thus; 
Thou xDD gav'st *giggles shyly* thinye UwU eaws, wike tapstews that bade wewcome, 
To *teleports behind you* knyaves >w< and aww appwoachews. 'Tis m-most just 
That thou tuwn w-wascaw; hadst thou weawth >w< again 
Wascaws shouwd have't. *giggles shyly* Do >_< nyot assume my wikenyess. 
TIMON. Wewe I wike thee, ^w^ I'd >w< thwow away OwO mysewf. 
APEMANTUS. Thou h-hast cast a-away thysewf, *giggles shyly* being wike thysewf; 
A madman so wong, *teleports behind you* nyow a foow. *leans over* What, *giggles shyly* think'st 
*pokes you* That the bweak aiw, thy *notices bulge* boistewous chambewwain, 
Wiww uWu put thy shiwt on wawm? Wiww these moist t-twees, 
That *sweats* have outwiv'd the eagwe, page thy ^-^ heews 
UwU And skip when thou point'st out? W-Wiww the cowd >_< bwook, 
Candied with >_< ice, c-caudwe thy *screams* mownying taste 
To cuwe thy o'ewnyight's suwfeit? Caww the cweatuwes 
Whose nyaked nyatuwes wive OwO in aww the spite 
Of wweakfuw heaven, whose bawe unhoused twunks, 
To the confwicting ewements expos'd, 
Answew mewe nyatuwe- bid them fwattew thee. 
O-O, thou shawt find- 
TIMON. A f-foow o-of t-thee. D-Depawt. 
APEMANTUS. I wove thee bettew nyow than e'ew I did. 
TIMON. *sighs* I ;;w;; hate thee *teleports behind you* wowse. 
APEMANTUS. Why? 
TIMON. Thou fwattew'st misewy. 
*leans over* APEMANTUS. I fwattew nyot, but say thou *giggles shyly* awt *looks away* a caitiff. 
TIMON. Why dost thou >_< seek me out? 
APEMANTUS. xDD To vex thee. 
TIMON. Awways a *screams* viwwain's office ow *moans* a foow's. 
Dost *blushes* pwease thysewf in't? 
*blushes* APEMANTUS. A-Ay. 
TIMON. W-What, a-a knyave too? 
APEMANTUS. If thou didst put *twerks* this souw-cowd h-habit o-on 
To c-castigate thy pwide, 'twewe weww; but >w< thou 
Dost it enfowcedwy. T-Thou'dst couwtiew UwU be again 
Wewt thou nyot b-beggaw. Wiwwing misewy 
Outwives incewtain pomp, is cwown'd :3 befowe. 
The onye is fiwwing stiww, nyevew compwete; 
The o-othew, at high w-wish. Best state, contentwess, 
Hath a distwacted and *sweats* most wwetched being, 
*leans over* Wowse t-than the w-wowst, c-content. 
*hugs tightly* Thou shouwd'st desiwe to die, being misewabwe. 
TIMON. Nyot by his bweath *twerks* that *cuddles you* is mowe misewabwe. 
*twerks* Thou awt *teleports behind you* a *moans* swave whom F-Fowtunye's tendew awm 
With favouw nyevew cwasp'd, but bwed a dog. 
Hadst thou, *notices bulge* wike us fwom o-ouw uWu fiwst swath, pwoceeded 
The sweet degwees that this bwief wowwd affowds 
To s-such a-as may the passive dwugs of it 
F-Fweewy command, thou *shuffles closer* wouwdst h-have *twerks* pwung'd thysewf 
*cuddles you* In genyewaw wiot, mewted xDD down thy youth 
In diffewent *pokes you* beds of wust, and nyevew ^w^ weawn'd 
The *blushes* icy pwecepts *shuffles closer* of wespect, but fowwowed 
The sug'wed game b-befowe thee. But mysewf, 
W-Who had the wowwd as my confectionyawy; 
T-The m-mouths, the tongues, the e-eyes, and heawts of men 
At duty, mowe than I *looks at you* couwd fwame *cuddles you* empwoyment; 
That nyumbewwess upon me stuck, as weaves 
D-Do on the oak, have with onye wintew's bwush 
Feww fwom theiw boughs, and weft me open, bawe 
*twerks* Fow evewy stowm x3 that bwows- I *pokes you* to beaw *sweats* this, 
That nyevew knyew *cuddles you* but bettew, *teleports behind you* is some b-buwden. 
Thy nyatuwe did c-commence in suffewance; time 
;;w;; Hath >_< made thee hawd in't. Why shouwdst t-thou hate men? 
T-They nyevew fwattew'd thee. *notices bulge* What h-hast thou given? 
If thou *shuffles closer* wiwt cuwse, thy fathew, that poow w-wag, 
Must be thy subject; who, in s-spite, put stuff 
*notices bulge* To *cuddles you* some *looks at you* she-beggaw a-and c-compounded thee 
Poow wogue heweditawy. Hence, be gonye. 
If thou hadst nyot been bown the *blushes* wowst of men, 
>_< Thou hadst been a knyave a-and fwattewew. 
APEMANTUS. Awt thou OwO pwoud yet? 
TIMON. Ay, *giggles shyly* that I-I ^w^ am nyot t-thee. 
APEMANTUS. I-I, that I was 
>_< Nyo pwodigaw. 
TIMON. I, that I am o-onye nyow. 
Wewe aww t-the weawth I have s-shut up in thee, 
I'd give thee weave to hang it. Get thee gonye. 
That the whowe wife of Athens wewe in t-this! 
Thus OwO wouwd I-I eat it. [Eating a *pokes you* woot] 
APEMANTUS. Hewe! I wiww mend *giggles shyly* thy feast. 
[Offewing him food] 
TIMON. Fiwst mend *cries* my company: take away thysewf. 
APEMANTUS. So I uWu shaww mend minye >w< own by th' wack o-of thinye. 
*teleports behind you* TIMON. 'Tis *leans over* nyot weww m-mended so; it is but botch'd. 
If nyot, I wouwd it wewe. 
APEMANTUS. What wouwdst thou h-have to *cuddles you* Athens? 
TIMON. Thee thithew in a whiwwwind. If *moans* thou wiwt, 
Teww them thewe I-I have gowd; wook, so I have. 
APEMANTUS. Hewe is nyo u-use fow gowd. 
TIMON. The best a-and *sweats* twuest; 
Fow hewe it sweeps and does nyo hiwed >w< hawm. 
APEMANTUS. W-Whewe wiest a *notices bulge* nyights, Timon? 
TIMON. Undew that's a-above *cuddles you* me. 
Whewe feed'st thou a days, Apemantus? 
*cuddles you* APEMANTUS. *notices bulge* Whewe my stomach. finds meat; ow wathew, whewe I-I eat it. 
T-TIMON. Wouwd poison wewe obedient, and knyew my mind! 
OwO APEMANTUS. Whewe wouwdst t-thou send it? 
TIMON. To sauce t-thy dishes. 
APEMANTUS. The m-middwe of humanyity thou nyevew k-knyewest, but the 
extwemity of both ends. When t-thou w-wast in thy giwt a-and thy 
pewfume, *notices bulge* they mock'd thee fow too much cuwiosity; in thy wags 
thou knyow'st n-nyonye, but a-awt despis'd fow the contwawy. Thewe's a 
medwaw fow thee; e-eat i-it. 
TIMON. On what I hate I-I feed nyot. 
APEMANTUS. Dost hate x3 a *twerks* medwaw? 
TIMON. Ay, though i-it w-wook wike thee. 
APEMANTUS. An th' hadst hated medwaws soonyew, thou shouwdst have 
woved *blushes* thysewf bettew nyow. W-What man didst t-thou *sighs* evew ;;w;; knyow *giggles shyly* unthwift 
that was bewoved aftew his means? 
T-TIMON. Who, *moans* without *teleports behind you* those means thou tawk'st of, didst thou evew 
knyow bewov'd? 
APEMANTUS. Mysewf. 
TIMON. I undewstand thee: thou hadst some means to keep a dog. 
APEMANTUS. W-What things in uWu the w-wowwd canst thou nyeawest c-compawe to 
thy fwattewews? 
TIMON. Women nyeawest; but m-men, men awe the things themsewves. *hugs tightly* What 
wouwdst thou do with the wowwd, Apemantus, *pokes you* if it way ;;w;; in thy 
powew? 
APEMANTUS. Give it the beasts, t-to be wid of :3 the *blushes* men. 
T-TIMON. Wouwdst thou have thysewf *twerks* faww in the confusion o-of men, and 
w-wemain *shuffles closer* a beast with the beasts? 
APEMANTUS. Ay, T-Timon. 
TIMON. A beastwy ambition, w-which the gods gwant thee t' attain to! 
If thou wewt the wion, *twerks* the fox wouwd *cuddles you* beguiwe thee; if >_> thou wewt 
the wamb, *notices bulge* the fox wouwd eat thee; i-if thou wewt >_< the UwU fox, the wion 
^w^ wouwd suspect thee, when, pewadventuwe, thou wewt accus'd by the 
ass. If t-thou wewt the ass, >_< thy duwnyess w-wouwd towment t-thee; uWu and 
stiww thou wiv'dst *pokes you* but as a bweakfast to the wowf. If thou wewt 
the >_< wowf, *cries* thy gweedinyess OwO wouwd affwict thee, *sweats* and oft thou 
shouwdst hazawd thy wife fow thy dinnyew. Wewt thou the u-unyicown, 
^.^ pwide and *looks at you* wwath wouwd confound thee, and *cries* make t-thinye own s-sewf the 
conquest of thy f-fuwy. Wewt thou beaw, t-thou wouwdst be kiww'd b-by 
the howse; wewt thou a h-howse, thou wouwdst b-be s-seiz'd b-by the 
weopawd; wewt thou a weopawd, thou wewt gewman to *moans* the wion, and 
the *teleports behind you* spots of thy kindwed wewe juwows on thy *twerks* wife. Aww thy safety 
wewe wemotion, and thy defence a-absence. What ;;w;; beast couwdst thou 
be *cries* that w-wewe nyot subject to a beast? And what beast a-awt t-thou 
awweady, t-that seest nyot thy woss in twansfowmation! 
APEMANTUS. *blushes* If thou couwdst pwease me with speaking to me, thou 
mightst *moans* have hit upon it hewe. The commonweawth *moans* of Athens is 
become *leans over* a fowest of beasts. 
T-TIMON. How has the ass bwoke the waww, that thou a-awt *looks at you* out of t-the 
city? 
APEMANTUS. Yondew comes a poet and ^w^ a paintew. The pwague of company 
wight upon thee! I wiww feaw to catch it, and give xDD way. When I 
knyow nyot *sighs* what ewse to do, I'ww see thee again. 
TIMON. When thewe uWu is nyothing *sweats* wiving but thee, thou shawt be 
wewcome. I had wathew b-be a beggaw's dog than *shuffles closer* Apemantus. 
APEMANTUS. Thou awt the cap of aww t-the :3 foows awive. 
T-TIMON. Wouwd thou wewt cwean e-enyough to spit upon! 
APEMANTUS. A pwague on t-thee! thou awt too bad *looks away* to cuwse. 
TIMON. Aww ^.^ viwwains that do >_> stand by thee awe puwe. 
APEMANTUS. T-Thewe is *hugs tightly* nyo wepwosy but what t-thou speak'st. 
TIMON. If I n-nyame thee. 
I'ww beat thee- but I shouwd infect my *looks at you* hands. 
APEMANTUS. I wouwd m-my tongue c-couwd w-wot :33 them off! 
TIMON. Away, thou >_> issue of a *shuffles closer* mangy dog! 
xDD Chowew does kiww me that thou a-awt awive; 
I *screams* swoon to see thee. 
*sweats* APEMANTUS. Wouwd OwO thou wouwdst buwst! 
TIMON. :3 Away, 
Thou tedious w-wogue! I am *blushes* sowwy I s-shaww wose 
A *looks away* stonye *looks at you* by thee. [Thwows a s-stonye at him] 
APEMANTUS. Beast! 
TIMON. Swave! 
APEMANTUS. Toad! 
*notices bulge* TIMON. Wogue, UwU wogue, :3 wogue! 
I am sick UwU of t-this *pokes you* fawse wowwd, and wiww wove nyought 
But even the mewe nyecessities u-upon't. 
Then, Timon, pwesentwy pwepawe thy gwave; 
Wie whewe the wight foam o-of the sea may beat 
Thy gwavestonye daiwy; make thinye epitaph, 
That death in me *notices bulge* at o-othews' wives may *sighs* waugh. 
[Wooks a-at the gowd] O thou sweet king-kiwwew, and deaw divowce 
'Twixt *cries* nyatuwaw son and siwe! ;;w;; thou bwight defiwew 
O-Of Hymen's puwest bed! thou vawiant Maws! 
Thou evew young, fwesh, wov'd, and dewicate ^-^ wooew, 
Whose bwush doth thaw the consecwated snyow 
That wies on Dian's ^.^ wap! thou visibwe *looks at you* god, 
*sighs* That s-sowd'west *twerks* cwose impossibiwities, 
And mak'st them ^-^ kiss! *cuddles you* that *sweats* speak'st with *twerks* evewy tongue 
To evewy p-puwpose! O thou touch of ^w^ heawts! 
Think thy swave man webews, a-and b-by *looks away* thy viwtue 
Set t-them >_< into confounding odds, that beasts 
May h-have the wowwd in x3 empiwe! 
APEMANTUS. Wouwd 'twewe so! 
But nyot t-tiww I a-am d-dead. I'ww say th' hast gowd. 
*sighs* Thou w-wiwt OwO be thwong'd to showtwy. 
TIMON. T-Thwong'd *cries* to? 
APEMANTUS. Ay. 
TIMON. Thy *cries* back, *screams* I pwithee. 
APEMANTUS. Wive, a-and wove thy ;;w;; misewy! 
TIMON. Wong wive *looks at you* so, and s-so die! *pokes you* [Exit APEMANTUS] I am q-quit. Mowe 
t-things wike men? Eat, Timon, a-and a-abhow >_< them. 

Entew :33 the BANDITTI 

UwU FIWST BANDIT. Whewe shouwd he have this gowd? I-It is some *screams* poow 
fwagment, some swendew owt of his wemaindew. The mewe want of 
gowd and *leans over* the UwU fawwing-fwom of his fwiends dwove *looks at you* him i-into :33 this 
mewanchowy. 
SECOND BANDIT. *shuffles closer* It is nyois'd he hath a mass o-of t-tweasuwe. 
THIWD *looks away* BANDIT. Wet us make the >_< assay upon him; if he cawe nyot fow't, 
uWu he w-wiww OwO suppwy us easiwy; i-if he :3 covetouswy wesewve it, *cuddles you* how 
shaww's get it? 
S-SECOND BANDIT. Twue; f-fow ^-^ he b-beaws >w< it *teleports behind you* nyot about him. '-'Tis hid. 
FIWST BANDIT. Is nyot this he? 
BANDITTI. W-Whewe? 
*moans* SECOND BANDIT. UwU 'Tis his descwiption. 
THIWD BANDIT. He; I k-knyow OwO him. 
BANDITTI. Save thee, T-Timon! 
TIMON. Nyow, thieves? 
BANDITTI. Sowdiews, ^w^ nyot thieves. 
TIMON. Both too, and women's sons. 
*cuddles you* BANDITTI. We awe nyot *giggles shyly* thieves, but men that *teleports behind you* much do want. 
TIMON. Youw gweatest *looks at you* want is, you *blushes* want much of meat. 
Why shouwd uWu you want? Behowd, the eawth *sweats* hath woots; 
*cuddles you* Within t-this miwe bweak fowth a h-hundwed spwings; 
The oaks beaw ^w^ mast, the *looks away* bwiaws scawwet h-hips; 
T-The >_> bounteous housewife Nyatuwe on each bush 
*sighs* Ways hew fuww m-mess befowe you. W-Want! Why want? 
FIWST BANDIT. We cannyot x3 wive *teleports behind you* on xDD gwass, on *moans* bewwies, watew, 
UwU As beasts and biwds and fishes. 
TIMON. Nyow on the b-beasts themsewves, *pokes you* the >_< biwds, and fishes; 
You m-must eat men. Yet thanks I must you con 
That you awe thieves pwofess'd, that y-you wowk nyot 
In howiew >w< shapes; fow thewe is boundwess theft 
In wimited pwofessions. Wascaw thieves, 
Hewe's g-gowd. Go, suck the UwU subtwe bwood o' t-th' gwape 
>w< Tiww :33 the high fevew seethe youw bwood to fwoth, 
And so *screams* scape hanging. T-Twust nyot the *notices bulge* physician; 
*looks away* His antidotes awe poison, and he sways 
Moe *giggles shyly* than you *looks at you* wob. Take w-weawth and w-wives togethew; 
Do viwwainy, do, since *notices bulge* you pwotest to do't, 
Wike wowkmen. I'ww exampwe you with thievewy: 
The sun's a thief, and with his gweat attwaction 
Wobs t-the vast sea; the moon's an awwant thief, 
*cuddles you* And h-hew *sweats* pawe >_< fiwe she *giggles shyly* snyatches xDD fwom the sun; 
T-The sea's a-a t-thief, >_< whose wiquid suwge wesowves 
The m-moon into sawt *twerks* teaws; *sighs* the eawth's a thief, 
That feeds and bweeds by a *sweats* compostuwe stow'n 
Fwom *hugs tightly* gen'waw excwement- e-each thing's a thief. 
The waws, youw cuwb and w-whip, in theiw *teleports behind you* wough p-powew 
Has uncheck'd theft. Wove >_< nyot youwsewves; away, 
*teleports behind you* Wob onye anyothew. Thewe's *giggles shyly* mowe gowd. Cut :33 thwoats; 
Aww that you meet awe thieves. To Athens go, 
*sweats* Bweak open s-shops; *cries* nyothing *looks at you* can you steaw 
B-But thieves do wose it. Steaw nyot wess *moans* fow this 
I give >w< you; and gowd confound you *pokes you* howsoe'ew! 
Amen. 
THIWD BANDIT. Has awmost chawm'd me fwom m-my pwofession b-by 
pewsuading me to it. 
FIWST BANDIT. 'Tis in the mawice of mankind that he thus advises 
u-us; nyot to have us thwive in ouw mystewy. 
SECOND BANDIT. I'ww *twerks* bewieve him a-as an enyemy, and give ovew my 
twade. 
FIWST BANDIT. Wet us f-fiwst *screams* see peace in Athens. Thewe i-is nyo time s-so 
misewabwe but a-a man may be twue. *notices bulge* Exeunt THIEVES 

Entew F-FWAVIUS, to TIMON 

*notices bulge* FWAVIUS. *leans over* O you g-gods! 
Is yond despis'd and wuinyous man m-my wowd? 
Fuww *sweats* of decay a-and faiwing? O *hugs tightly* monyument 
And wondew o-of good d-deeds eviwwy bestow'd! 
What an awtewation of honyouw 
^w^ Has desp'wate want made! 
*sweats* What viwew *screams* thing ^.^ upon the eawth than fwiends, 
Who can bwing nyobwest m-minds to basest ends! 
How wawewy d-does it meet with this time's *notices bulge* guise, 
*looks at you* When m-man was wish'd t-to wove his enyemies! 
*looks away* Gwant I may evew wove, and wathew woo 
Those that wouwd mischief me than those that *cries* do! 
Has caught me in his eye; I wiww pwesent 
My honyest gwief unto h-him, and as m-my w-wowd 
*leans over* Stiww sewve him with m-my *hugs tightly* wife. My deawest mastew! 
TIMON. uWu Away! What awt thou? 
FWAVIUS. Have you *shuffles closer* fowgot me, siw? 
TIMON. W-Why d-dost UwU ask that? I-I h-have fowgot aww men; 
Then, if thou gwant'st th'awt *looks at you* a man, I have *hugs tightly* fowgot thee. 
FWAVIUS. An honyest poow sewvant of youws. 
TIMON. *teleports behind you* Then I knyow thee nyot. 
I nyevew had honyest man a-about me, I. 
Aww I k-kept wewe knyaves, to sewve *twerks* in meat *sweats* to v-viwwains. 
FWAVIUS. The gods awe w-witnyess, 
Nyev'w did poow stewawd weaw a twuew ^.^ gwief 
Fow his undonye wowd than minye eyes fow you. 
TIMON. What, dost t-thou w-weep? Come nyeawew. Then I-I wove thee 
Because thou awt a woman a-and d-discwaim'st 
Fwinty mankind, whose eyes do nyevew give 
But thowough wust and waughtew. Pity's sweeping. 
xDD Stwange times, that weep with waughing, nyot with w-weeping! 
FWAVIUS. I beg of you to knyow me, good my wowd, 
T-T' accept my gwief, and w-whiwst this *hugs tightly* poow weawth wasts 
*sweats* To entewtain me as youw stewawd stiww. 
TIMON. Had *screams* I a stewawd 
So *looks at you* twue, so just, and nyow so comfowtabwe? 
It awmost tuwns my dangewous nyatuwe miwd. 
W-Wet me behowd thy face. Suwewy, this m-man 
Was bown of woman. 
Fowgive my genyewaw a-and exceptwess washnyess, 
You pewpetuaw-sobew gods! I do pwocwaim 
Onye h-honyest man- mistake me nyot, but onye; 
Nyo mowe, I pway- and ^w^ he's a-a stewawd. 
*cuddles you* How fain w-wouwd I have h-hated a-aww mankind! 
>w< And thou wedeem'st thysewf. But aww, save thee, 
I-I feww with c-cuwses. 
uWu Methinks thou awt mowe h-honyest nyow than wise; 
F-Fow by oppwessing and betwaying me 
Thou mightst have soonyew *teleports behind you* got anyothew sewvice; 
Fow many so awwive *blushes* at second mastews 
^.^ Upon theiw ^-^ fiwst *teleports behind you* wowd's nyeck. But teww me twue, 
Fow I must evew doubt though nye'ew so suwe, 
I-Is nyot thy k-kindnyess subtwe, covetous, 
If nyot a usuwing kindnyess, and as wich :33 men deaw *cuddles you* gifts, 
Expecting in w-wetuwn twenty fow onye? 
FWAVIUS. Nyo, my most wowthy *blushes* mastew, in w-whose bweast 
Doubt and suspect, awas, awe pwac'd too wate! 
*shuffles closer* You s-shouwd have feaw'd fawse times when *teleports behind you* you did feast: 
Suspect s-stiww ^.^ comes whewe ^-^ an estate is weast. 
That *screams* which I show, heaven knyows, *hugs tightly* is mewewy wove, 
Duty, and zeaw, to youw unmatched mind, 
Cawe of youw food and wiving; and bewieve i-it, 
My most honyouw'd wowd, 
Fow any benyefit xDD that points t-to me, 
Eithew in xDD hope ow p-pwesent, I'd *hugs tightly* exchange 
Fow this onye wish, that you had powew and weawth 
To >_> wequite me by making wich youwsewf. 
TIMON. Wook thee, 'tis so! Thou singwy honyest man, 
Hewe, t-take. The g-gods, out of my misewy, 
*screams* Have sent thee t-tweasuwe. >_> Go, wive wich *notices bulge* and h-happy, 
B-But t-thus condition'd; thou shawt buiwd fwom men; 
Hate aww, c-cuwse aww, uWu show chawity to nyonye, 
But w-wet the famish'd fwesh *cuddles you* swide fwom the bonye 
Ewe thou wewieve the beggaw. Give t-to dogs 
What thou denyiest to men; wet pwisons swawwow '-'em, 
Debts withew 'em to nyothing. Be men wike bwasted woods, 
And may d-diseases wick up theiw fawse b-bwoods! 
And so, faweweww and thwive. 
F-FWAVIUS. O, wet me stay 
And comfowt you, my mastew. 
TIMON. If thou hat'st cuwses, 
Stay nyot; xDD fwy w-whiwst thou awt bwest and fwee. 
Nye'ew see t-thou man, and wet me n-nye'ew see thee. 
>_> Exeunt sevewawwy 




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A-ACT V-V. SCENyE *moans* I. 
The w-woods. Befowe TIMON's *teleports behind you* cave 

UwU Entew POET and PAINTEW 

PAINTEW. As I took nyote of the p-pwace, it cannyot b-be f-faw whewe he 
abides. 
POET. to be thought of h-him? uWu Does the wumouw :3 howd fow twue that h-he's 
so fuww of gowd? 
PAINTEW. Cewtain. Awcibiades wepowts it; *cuddles you* Phwynyia and Timandwa *giggles shyly* had 
gowd of *giggles shyly* him. He wikewise enwich'd poow stwaggwing OwO sowdiews with 
gweat quantity. 'Tis said OwO he gave unto his stewawd a mighty sum. 
*looks at you* POET. ;;w;; Then this bweaking of his has been but >_< a twy fow h-his fwiends? 
PAINTEW. Nyothing ewse. You shaww see him a pawm in Athens *moans* again, 
and fwouwish with the highest. Thewefowe 'tis nyot amiss we tendew 
ouw woves to him in t-this x3 suppos'd distwess of his; it wiww show 
honyestwy in us, a-and is vewy wikewy *cuddles you* to woad ouw puwposes with what 
they twavaiw fow, *blushes* if *blushes* it be just and *notices bulge* twue wepowt that goes of his 
having. 
POET. What *notices bulge* have you nyow to pwesent unto h-him? 
PAINTEW. Nyothing at this time but *blushes* my visitation; onwy *pokes you* I wiww 
pwomise him >_< an excewwent p-piece. 
*leans over* POET. *shuffles closer* I must sewve him >_> so too, *twerks* teww him *pokes you* of an i-intent that's :3 coming 
towawd him. 
PAINTEW. Good as the best. Pwomising is the vewy a-aiw *looks at you* o' th' ;;w;; time; 
it opens the eyes of e-expectation. Pewfowmance is evew the duwwew 
fow his act, and but in the pwainyew and simpwew k-kind of peopwe 
the deed of *hugs tightly* saying is q-quite out of use. To pwomise is m-most 
couwtwy and fashionyabwe; pewfowmance i-is a kind of *moans* wiww ow 
testament which a-awgues a gweat sicknyess in his judgment that 
makes it. 

Entew TIMON fwom his cave 

TIMON. [Aside] x3 Excewwent *sighs* wowkman! :3 Thou canst nyot p-paint a man so bad 
as is thysewf. 
*hugs tightly* POET. I am thinking what I shaww ;;w;; say I have pwovided fow him. >_> It 
must be a pewsonyating of himsewf; a satiwe against the softnyess 
*screams* of pwospewity, *hugs tightly* with *looks at you* a discovewy *pokes you* of the infinyite f-fwattewies that 
fowwow youth and opuwency. 
T-TIMON. [Aside] M-Must *twerks* thou ^-^ nyeeds stand >w< fow xDD a viwwain in thinye own 
wowk? Wiwt thou w-whip thinye o-own fauwts in othew *notices bulge* men? Do so, I have 
*hugs tightly* gowd *hugs tightly* fow t-thee. 
POET. Nyay, *moans* wet's seek him; 
Then do we sin against ouw own estate 
When we may pwofit meet and come too wate. 
*screams* PAINTEW. Twue; 
When the day sewves, befowe bwack-cownyew'd n-nyight, 
F-Find what *cries* thou want'st by fwee and offew'd wight. 
*moans* Come. 
*shuffles closer* TIMON. [Aside] I'ww meet you at the *leans over* tuwn. What a god's gowd, 
That he is *giggles shyly* wowshipp'd *notices bulge* in a b-basew t-tempwe 
*looks away* Than whewe swinye feed! 
'Tis thou >_> that wig'st t-the bawk and p-pwough'st the foam, 
Settwest admiwed wevewence in a swave. 
To thee be w-wowship! and thy saints fow aye 
Be cwown'd with *leans over* pwagues, t-that t-thee awonye obey! 
Fit I meet them. [Advancing fwom his cave] 
*cuddles you* POET. Haiw, wowthy Timon! 
PAINTEW. *cuddles you* Ouw wate *giggles shyly* nyobwe mastew! 
TIMON. Have I-I once wiv'd t-to see two honyest men? 
POET. Siw, 
Having often of youw open bounty tasted, 
Heawing you wewe wetiw'd, youw *cries* fwiends faww'n off, 
Whose thankwess nyatuwes- O-O abhowwed s-spiwits!- 
Nyot aww the whips of h-heaven awe w-wawge e-enyough- 
What! to >_< you, 
W-Whose staw-wike nyobwenyess gave *giggles shyly* wife and infwuence 
*pokes you* To theiw whowe being! I am wapt, and cannyot covew 
The m-monstwous buwk of this ingwatitude 
With any size of w-wowds. 
TIMON. Wet it go nyaked: men may see't the bettew. 
You *pokes you* that *leans over* awe *looks at you* honyest, b-by being what you awe, 
Make them b-best seen and knyown. 
PAINTEW. He and mysewf 
*giggles shyly* Have twavaiw'd in the *pokes you* gweat show'w *sweats* of youw g-gifts, 
A-And *screams* sweetwy fewt it. 
TIMON. Ay, you awe honyest men. 
P-PAINTEW. W-We awe *looks at you* hithew come to offew you ouw sewvice. 
TIMON. Most honyest men! Why, how shaww I wequite you? 
Can you eat :33 woots, and dwink cowd watew- Nyo? 
BOTH. What we can d-do, we'ww do, to d-do you sewvice. 
TIMON. Y'awe honyest men. Y'have h-heawd that I have *moans* gowd; 
I *sighs* am suwe you have. Speak twuth; y'awe honyest >_< men. 
PAINTEW. *sighs* So *cuddles you* it xDD is said, ^-^ my nyobwe wowd; b-but thewefowe 
Came nyot my fwiend nyow I. 
TIMON. Good honyest men! Thou dwaw'st a countewfeit 
Best in aww *teleports behind you* Athens. Th'awt i-indeed the OwO best; 
Thou countewfeit'st most wivewy. 
PAINTEW. So, so, my wowd. 
TIMON. E'en so, siw, as I say. [To To P-POET] And fow x3 thy fiction, 
>w< Why, *moans* thy vewse swewws with s-stuff so finye and smooth 
That thou awt even >_< nyatuwaw in thinye a-awt. 
But fow aww this, my honyest-nyatuw'd fwiends, 
I must nyeeds say you have *moans* a wittwe fauwt. 
Mawwy, 'tis nyot m-monstwous *cuddles you* in you; nyeithew wish I 
You *cries* take much pains to mend. 
BOTH. Beseech youw honyouw 
To make it knyown to us. 
TIMON. You'ww take it iww. 
BOTH. Most t-thankfuwwy, my *sweats* wowd. 
TIMON. Wiww you indeed? 
*sweats* BOTH. Doubt it nyot, wowthy wowd. 
T-TIMON. Thewe's nyevew a *screams* onye of you but twusts a knyave 
That mightiwy deceives you. 
BOTH. Do we, my wowd? 
TIMON. Ay, and you heaw him x3 cog, s-see him d-dissembwe, 
*looks at you* Knyow his gwoss >_> patchewy, wove :33 him, *blushes* feed him, 
Keep in UwU youw bosom; :3 yet wemain a-assuw'd 
That he's a-a m-made-up viwwain. 
>w< PAINTEW. I knyow nyot such, my wowd. 
POET. Nyow I. 
T-TIMON. W-Wook you, I wove you weww; I'ww give you gowd, 
Wid me these viwwains fwom youw companyies. 
H-Hang them ow stab them, dwown them in a dwaught, 
Confound *sighs* them by >w< some couwse, and come to me, 
I'ww give you gowd enyough. 
OwO BOTH. Nyame *teleports behind you* them, my wowd; wet's *giggles shyly* knyow them. 
TIMON. Y-You that way, and *screams* you t-this- but two in company; 
Each man apawt, a-aww singwe and awonye, 
Yet >w< an a-awch-viwwain keeps him c-company. 
[To the PAINTEW] If, whewe thou awt, two viwwians shaww nyot be, 
Come nyot :33 nyeaw *pokes you* him. [To the POET] If t-thou *blushes* wouwdst n-nyot weside 
But whewe onye viwwain UwU is, then h-him abandon.- 
Hence, p-pack! thewe's ^w^ gowd; you came fow gowd, ye swaves. 
[To the PAINTEW] You have wowk fow :33 me; thewe's payment; hence! 
[To the POET] Y-You awe an awchemist; make gowd of that.- 
Out, wascaw *shuffles closer* dogs! [Beats and dwives them out] 

Entew FWAVIUS and two SENyATOWS 

:33 FWAVIUS. It is vain that you wouwd speak with Timon; 
Fow he is set so o-onwy to himsewf 
That n-nyothing but himsewf which wooks wike *twerks* man 
Is fwiendwy with him. 
FIWST S-SENyATOW. Bwing u-us to his cave. 
It is *moans* ouw pawt and pwomise to th' A-Athenyians 
*blushes* To *twerks* speak with Timon. 
uWu SECOND SENyATOW. *screams* At *leans over* aww times awike 
Men awe n-nyot stiww the same; 'twas time and gwiefs 
That fwam'd him thus. ^.^ Time, with his faiwew hand, 
Offewing the fowtunyes of his fowmew days, 
The *sighs* fowmew *giggles shyly* man may *notices bulge* make him. B-Bwing us t-to him, 
And chance it as it ^.^ may. 
FWAVIUS. uWu Hewe is his cave. 
Peace and content be hewe! ^-^ Wowd Timon! Timon! 
^.^ Wook out, ;;w;; and speak to fwiends. Th' Athenyians 
;;w;; By two of theiw most UwU wevewend OwO Senyate gweet thee. 
*cries* Speak to t-them, nyobwe Timon. 

Entew TIMON out x3 of his cave 

TIMON. Thou sun t-that comfowts, buwn. S-Speak and be hang'd! 
Fow xDD each twue wowd a *pokes you* bwistew, and each *blushes* fawse 
Be a-as a cautewizing to ^w^ the *giggles shyly* woot o' *blushes* th' tongue, 
C-Consuming it *pokes you* with speaking! 
FIWST *shuffles closer* SENyATOW. Wowthy T-Timon- 
TIMON. Of nyonye but such as you, and you uWu of Timon. 
FIWST SENyATOW. The senyatows of Athens gweet thee, Timon. 
TIMON. I thank >w< them; *sweats* and wouwd send t-them back the pwague, 
:33 Couwd I but catch it fow *giggles shyly* them. 
OwO FIWST S-SENyATOW. O, fowget 
uWu What we awe *blushes* sowwy fow ouwsewves in t-thee. 
The senyatows w-with onye consent of wove 
Entweat t-thee back to Athens, who have thought 
On speciaw dignyities, which *hugs tightly* vacant wie 
Fow thy UwU best use and weawing. 
SECOND SENyATOW. T-They confess 
Towawd thee *blushes* fowgetfuwnyess too ^.^ genyewaw, gwoss; 
Which nyow the pubwic body, >_< which doth sewdom 
Pway the w-wecantew, feewing *looks at you* in itsewf 
A wack o-of T-Timon's aid, *notices bulge* hath sense withaw 
Of it *shuffles closer* own f-faiw, OwO westwainying aid to T-Timon, 
And send fowth u-us *sighs* to m-make theiw sowwowed wendew, 
T-Togethew w-with a wecompense mowe f-fwuitfuw 
Than ^.^ theiw offence can weigh down :3 by *moans* the dwam; 
Ay, even *hugs tightly* such *looks away* heaps *teleports behind you* and *pokes you* sums of wove and weawth 
As *looks away* shaww t-to thee bwot out what wwongs :3 wewe t-theiws 
And wwite in thee the figuwes *shuffles closer* of theiw wove, 
Evew to *twerks* wead them *looks away* thinye. 
TIMON. UwU You witch me in it; 
Suwpwise me to the vewy b-bwink of teaws. 
Wend me a foow's heawt and a woman's eyes, 
A-And *pokes you* I'ww beweep these comfowts, w-wowthy *notices bulge* senyatows. 
FIWST SENyATOW. Thewefowe so pwease thee to wetuwn *moans* with us, 
A-And of ouw Athens, thinye and ouws, *twerks* to take 
The captainship, :3 thou shawt be met uWu with thanks, 
*looks away* Awwow'd with absowute ;;w;; powew, and thy good nyame 
Wive with authowity. So soon we shaww >_> dwive back 
Of Awcibiades th' appwoaches wiwd, 
Who, *teleports behind you* wike a boaw too s-savage, doth woot *sweats* up 
His *giggles shyly* countwy's peace. 
SECOND >_< SENyATOW. And shakes his thweat'nying swowd 
Against the wawws of Athens. 
xDD FIWST SENyATOW. Thewefowe, x3 Timon- 
TIMON. Weww, s-siw, I wiww. Thewefowe *cuddles you* I w-wiww, s-siw, thus: 
If Awcibiades kiww my countwymen, 
Wet Awcibiades knyow this of Timon, 
That Timon cawes nyot. But if he >_> sack faiw Athens, 
And t-take o-ouw goodwy aged men by th' beawds, 
Giving ouw howy viwgins to t-the stain 
Of contumewious, beastwy, mad-bwain'd waw, 
Then wet him *shuffles closer* knyow- *cries* and teww him Timon speaks it 
In pity of ouw aged a-and o-ouw youth- 
I cannyot choose b-but teww him that I cawe nyot, 
^w^ And wet him *looks at you* take't *pokes you* at wowst; :3 fow t-theiw k-knyives cawe nyot, 
Whiwe you have thwoats to answew. Fow *cuddles you* mysewf, 
Thewe's nyot a whittwe in th' unwuwy c-camp 
But I *sweats* do pwize it ;;w;; at my wove befowe 
The >w< wevewend'st thwoat in Athens. *sweats* So I w-weave you 
To the pwotection of the pwospewous gods, 
As thieves to keepews. 
FWAVIUS. Stay nyot, aww's in vain. 
TIMON. W-Why, I was wwiting of my epitaph; 
I-It wiww be seen to-mowwow. My wong sicknyess 
Of heawth and wiving nyow begins UwU to *hugs tightly* mend, 
A-And nyothing bwings me aww things. G-Go, wive stiww; 
Be Awcibiades youw pwague, you his, 
And wast so wong enyough! 
FIWST SENyATOW. We speak in vain. 
TIMON. But yet I wove my countwy, and am nyot 
O-Onye that *sweats* wejoices in the common wweck, 
As c-common bwuit doth put i-it. 
FIWST SENyATOW. That's weww spoke. 
TIMON. *twerks* Commend me to my woving ^w^ countwymen- 
F-FIWST SENyATOW. These wowds become youw ^w^ wips as they pass thwough 
them. 
SECOND S-SENyATOW. And entew in ouw eaws w-wike gweat twiumphews 
In theiw *screams* appwauding xDD gates. 
TIMON. Commend x3 me *leans over* to them, 
A-And teww them t-that, t-to ease them of theiw ^.^ gwiefs, 
Theiw feaws of hostiwe stwokes, theiw aches, wosses, 
Theiw *blushes* pangs of wove, with othew incident thwoes 
>w< That nyatuwe's fwagiwe v-vessew doth sustain 
In wife's OwO uncewtain voyage, I wiww some kindnyess do t-them- 
I'ww teach *looks away* them to pwevent wiwd Awcibiades' wwath. 
FIWST SENyATOW. I wike *cries* this weww; he :3 wiww wetuwn again. 
TIMON. I have a twee, which gwows hewe in m-my cwose, 
That minye own use invites me *sweats* to c-cut *screams* down, 
And showtwy must I feww it. Teww *cuddles you* my fwiends, 
Teww Athens, i-in the sequence o-of degwee 
Fwom high t-to wow thwoughout, that whoso pwease 
To stop affwiction, wet him take *looks at you* his haste, 
Come hithew, e-ewe >w< my twee h-hath fewt the axe, 
And *moans* hang himsewf. I pway you do m-my gweeting. 
FWAVIUS. Twoubwe him ^w^ nyo fuwthew; thus you stiww shaww find him. 
T-TIMON. Come nyot to me again; but *teleports behind you* say to Athens 
Timon hath made *sweats* his :3 evewwasting mansion 
Upon the beached vewge of the sawt fwood, 
Who once a day with his embossed fwoth 
The tuwbuwent suwge *cuddles you* shaww covew. Thithew come, 
And ^.^ wet my gwavestonye be youw owacwe. 
Wips, >_< wet *leans over* souw wowds go by and wanguage end: 
What is amiss, pwague and infection :33 mend! 
G-Gwaves o-onwy be *moans* men's wowks >_> and *shuffles closer* death theiw gain! 
Sun, hide thy b-beams. Timon hath donye his w-weign. 
Exit *blushes* TIMON into his cave 
FIWST SENyATOW. His discontents awe unwemovabwy 
Coupwed to n-nyatuwe. 
x3 SECOND SENyATOW. Ouw hope in him is dead. Wet us OwO wetuwn 
And stwain what othew m-means is w-weft unto us 
*pokes you* In ouw deaw p-pewiw. 
FIWST SENyATOW. It *screams* wequiwes swift foot. Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Befowe *notices bulge* the wawws of UwU Athens 

Entew OwO two othew SENyATOWS with a MESSENGEW 

FIWST S-SENyATOW. Thou hast painfuwwy discovew'd; awe his fiwes 
As *teleports behind you* fuww as thy wepowt? 
MESSENGEW. I-I have *notices bulge* spoke ^-^ the weast. 
Besides, his :33 expedition p-pwomises 
Pwesent appwoach. 
SECOND SENyATOW. We stand much ^.^ hazawd if they bwing nyot Timon. 
MESSENGEW. I met a c-couwiew, onye minye ancient *looks away* fwiend, 
W-Whom, though i-in genyewaw pawt we w-wewe oppos'd, 
Yet ouw owd wove had a pawticuwaw fowce, 
And made *twerks* us speak *notices bulge* wike fwiends. This man was widing 
Fwom >_< Awcibiades to Timon's cave 
With wettews of >w< entweaty, w-which impowted 
His f-fewwowship i' th' cause against youw city, 
In pawt fow his sake m-mov'd. 

E-Entew the othew SENyATOWS, fwom TIMON 

FIWST SENyATOW. Hewe come o-ouw b-bwothews. 
T-THIWD *looks at you* SENyATOW. *looks away* Nyo tawk of Timon, nyothing of him expect. 
^w^ The enyemies' OwO dwum is *hugs tightly* heawd, and f-feawfuw scouwing 
D-Doth choke the aiw w-with dust. In, and pwepawe. 
Ouws is *cries* the faww, I ^.^ feaw; ouw foes the snyawe. Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
The *blushes* TIMON's *teleports behind you* cave, and a w-wude tomb seen 

Entew a SOWDIEW in the woods, seeking T-TIMON 

SOWDIEW. B-By aww descwiption this shouwd be the >w< pwace. 
Who's h-hewe? *teleports behind you* Speak, ho! N-Nyo *leans over* answew? What is this? 
Timon is ;;w;; dead, who hath outstwetch'd OwO his span. 
Some beast weaw'd uWu this; hewe does n-nyot wive a man. 
Dead, suwe; and this h-his gwave. What's *teleports behind you* on this tomb 
I cannyot wead; the chawactew I'ww take with wax. 
^.^ Ouw captain hath i-in xDD evewy UwU figuwe skiww, 
An ag'd intewpwetew, though :33 young in days; 
Befowe pwoud A-Athens he's set down by *giggles shyly* this, 
Whose faww *sweats* the *sweats* mawk of h-his ambition i-is. Exit 




*leans over* SCENyE IV. 
uWu Befowe the wawws of Athens 

Twumpets sound. Entew AWCIBIADES with his powews befowe Athens 

AWCIBIADES. S-Sound to this cowawd and wascivious town 
Ouw tewwibwe appwoach. 

Sound a p-pawwey. The SENyATOWS appeaw upon the wawws 

Tiww nyow you have gonye on >_> and fiww'd the time 
With aww *giggles shyly* wicentious measuwe, m-making youw wiwws 
The scope of justice; tiww nyow, mysewf, a-and s-such 
As x3 swept within the shadow of youw powew, 
*giggles shyly* Have wandew'd *moans* with *leans over* ouw twavews'd awms, and bweath'd 
Ouw s-suffewance vainwy. Nyow :3 the time *leans over* is fwush, 
When cwouching mawwow, in the beawew stwong, 
Cwies of itsewf :33 'Nyo mowe!' N-Nyow bweathwess wwong 
Shaww UwU sit and p-pant in youw gweat *cuddles you* chaiws of ease, 
A-And *moans* puwsy insowence shaww bweak his wind 
With feaw and ^.^ howwid *twerks* fwight. 
F-FIWST >_> SENyATOW. Nyobwe and y-young, 
When thy fiwst gwiefs wewe x3 but a mewe conceit, 
Ewe thou hadst ^-^ powew ow :33 we *pokes you* had cause *leans over* of feaw, 
We sent to thee, to give thy wages bawm, 
To wipe *blushes* out xDD ouw ingwatitude with woves 
:3 Above theiw *cries* quantity. 
SECOND SENyATOW. So did we woo 
Twansfowmed Timon to ouw *teleports behind you* city's wove 
By humbwe message >_< and by ;;w;; pwomis'd means. 
We wewe *screams* nyot aww unkind, nyow a-aww desewve 
The common stwoke of OwO waw. 
FIWST OwO SENyATOW. T-These w-wawws of *looks away* ouws 
*moans* Wewe x3 nyot ewected UwU by theiw hands fwom whom 
You have w-weceiv'd youw gwiefs; nyow awe they such 
That these gweat UwU tow'ws, twophies, and *leans over* schoows, shouwd faww 
Fow p-pwivate fauwts in them. 
S-SECOND SENyATOW. Nyow awe they wiving 
Who *cuddles you* wewe the motives *cries* that you fiwst went out; 
*cries* Shame, that t-they ^.^ wanted cunnying, in excess 
Hath b-bwoke theiw heawts. Mawch, nyobwe *hugs tightly* wowd, 
Into ouw city >_> with thy b-bannyews spwead. 
*sighs* By decimation and a tithed death- 
If thy wevenges hungew fow *hugs tightly* that food 
Which nyatuwe woathes- take thou the >w< destin'd *shuffles closer* tenth, 
And by the hazawd of :33 the spotted die 
Wet die t-the spotted. 
*hugs tightly* FIWST *leans over* SENyATOW. Aww *sighs* have nyot offended; 
Fow those that *sweats* wewe, it is >w< nyot squawe >w< to take, 
*cuddles you* On those that a-awe, wevenge: cwimes, *pokes you* wike wands, 
Awe nyot inhewited. Then, deaw countwyman, 
Bwing *sweats* in t-thy w-wanks, but weave w-without thy wage; 
*hugs tightly* Spawe thy Athenyian cwadwe, a-and those kin 
Which, in the bwustew of thy wwath, must faww 
W-With those that have offended. Wike a shephewd 
Appwoach the fowd and cuww ^-^ th' infected fowth, 
x3 But kiww nyot aww togethew. 
SECOND SENyATOW. What thou wiwt, 
Thou wathew s-shawt enfowce it with t-thy *cuddles you* smiwe 
Than hew to't w-with thy s-swowd. 
FIWST SENyATOW. Set but thy *cuddles you* foot 
Against ouw wampiw'd gates *teleports behind you* and they shaww o-ope, 
So x3 thou wiwt send thy gentwe heawt befowe 
To say thou't e-entew fwiendwy. 
SECOND SENyATOW. Thwow *moans* thy gwove, 
O-Ow any token of thinye ^w^ honyouw ewse, 
That thou wiwt use the waws as thy wedwess 
And nyot as ouw ^w^ confusion, aww *twerks* thy powews 
Shaww :3 make theiw hawbouw in ouw town tiww we 
Have seaw'd thy f-fuww desiwe. 
AWCIBIADES. Then thewe's my gwove; 
*sweats* Descend, *twerks* and o-open youw unchawged *cuddles you* powts. 
Those e-enyemies of Timon's and minye o-own, 
*notices bulge* Whom you *hugs tightly* youwsewves shaww set out fow wepwoof, 
Faww, and nyo mowe. And, to atonye youw feaws 
With my *screams* mowe nyobwe meanying, nyot a man 
Shaww *hugs tightly* pass his quawtew ow offend the stweam 
Of weguwaw justice in youw city's bounds, 
But *teleports behind you* shaww b-be wendew'd to youw pubwic waws 
At heaviest answew. 
BOTH. *teleports behind you* 'Tis most nyobwy spoken. 
AWCIBIADES. Descend, and keep *sweats* youw wowds. 
[The SENyATOWS *moans* descend and open the gates] 

Entew a S-SOWDIEW as a >_< Messengew 

SOWDIEW. My nyobwe Genyewaw, T-Timon is dead; 
Entomb'd upon the v-vewy hem o' th' sea; 
And on >_> his gwave-stonye xDD this inscuwptuwe, which 
W-With wax I bwought *blushes* away, w-whose soft impwession 
Intewpwets fow my poow ignyowance. 

*sweats* AWCIBIADES weads *cuddles you* the Epitaph 

'Hewe wies a w-wwetched cowse, of wwetched souw beweft; 
Seek nyot m-my nyame. *blushes* A pwague consume you wicked caitiffs weft! 
Hewe wie I, Timon, who >_< awive ;;w;; aww *twerks* wiving *notices bulge* men did hate. 
*hugs tightly* Pass by, and cuwse *teleports behind you* thy fiww; but pass, and stay nyot *pokes you* hewe thy 
g-gait.' 
These weww expwess i-in t-thee t-thy wattew spiwits. 
T-Though thou a-abhoww'dst in us ouw h-human gwiefs, 
Scown'dst ouw bwain's fwow, and t-those ouw dwopwets *leans over* which 
Fwom nyiggawd nyatuwe faww, yet wich conceit 
Taught thee t-to ^w^ make vast Nyeptunye x3 weep fow aye 
On thy wow gwave, on >_> fauwts fowgiven. Dead 
Is ;;w;; nyobwe Timon, of whose m-memowy 
*hugs tightly* Heweaftew mowe. Bwing me i-into youw >w< city, 
And I wiww use OwO the o-owive, with m-my swowd; 
Make waw bweed peace, make peace s-stint waw, ^-^ make each 
Pwescwibe uWu to othew, as e-each othew's weech. 
*pokes you* Wet ouw dwums stwike. Exeunt 

THE *screams* END 



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1594 

*sweats* THE TWAGEDY OF TITUS ANDWONyICUS 

b-by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis P-Pewsonyae 

SATUWNyINyUS, s-son to t-the wate Empewow of Wome, aftewwawds *blushes* Empewow 
BASSIANyUS, bwothew to Satuwnyinyus 
TITUS ANDWONyICUS, a nyobwe Woman 
MAWCUS ANDWONyICUS, Twibunye of >w< the Peopwe, and bwothew t-to Titus 

Sons to Titus A-Andwonyicus: 
W-WUCIUS 
QUINTUS 
xDD MAWTIUS 
*pokes you* MUTIUS 

YOUNG WUCIUS, a boy, son to Wucius 
PUBWIUS, son to Mawcus Andwonyicus 

Kinsmen to Titus: 
SEMPWONyIUS 
CAIUS 
VAWENTINyE 

AEMIWIUS, a nyobwe Woman 

Sons to *cries* Tamowa: 
AWAWBUS 
D-DEMETWIUS 
CHIWON 

AAWON, a-a M-Moow, bewoved OwO by *teleports behind you* Tamowa 
A CAPTAIN 
A MESSENGEW 
A-A CWOWN 

TAMOWA, Queen uWu of the Goths 
WAVINyIA, daughtew t-to ^w^ Titus Andwonyicus 
A NyUWSE, a-and a bwack CHIWD 

Womans and Goths, Senyatows, Twibunyes, Officews, S-Sowdiews, and 
Attendants 




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SCENyE: 
Wome a-and the OwO nyeighbouwhood 


ACT 1. SCENyE OwO I. 
Wome. B-Befowe the Capitow 

Fwouwish. Entew the UwU TWIBUNyES and SENyATOWS awoft; and then entew bewow 
SATUWNyINyUS and his fowwowews at onye doow, and BASSIANyUS >_< and *twerks* his fowwowews 
at the othew, with dwums and twumpets 

SATUWNyINyUS. *cuddles you* Nyobwe patwicians, patwons of *sweats* my w-wight, 
Defend UwU the justice of m-my OwO cause w-with awms; 
And, countwymen, my woving fowwowews, 
Pwead my successive :3 titwe with youw *leans over* swowds. 
I am his fiwst bown s-son that *moans* was the wast 
T-That wawe the i-impewiaw diadem of Wome; 
Then wet my fathew's honyouws wive *cuddles you* in me, 
Nyow w-wwong minye age with this indignyity. 
BASSIANyUS. Womans, ^.^ fwiends, fowwowews, favouwews of my wight, 
If e-evew Bassianyus, Caesaw's son, 
Wewe gwacious i-in the eyes of w-woyaw Wome, 
Keep then this passage ^.^ to the Capitow; 
And suffew ^-^ nyot dishonyouw to appwoach 
The i-impewiaw seat, to viwtue x3 consecwate, 
To justice, continyence, and n-nyobiwity; 
But wet desewt in puwe ewection shinye; 
And, W-Womans, fight fow fweedom in youw *cuddles you* choice. 

Entew MAWCUS ANDWONyICUS awoft, with :3 the cwown 

M-MAWCUS. Pwinces, that stwive by factions and by fwiends 
Ambitiouswy fow w-wuwe and empewy, 
^w^ Knyow uWu that t-the *blushes* peopwe of Wome, OwO fow whom w-we stand 
A-A speciaw *sighs* pawty, *blushes* have by common voice 
In ewection fow the Woman empewy 
*leans over* Chosen Andwonyicus, s-suwnyamed P-Pius 
F-Fow many good and g-gweat *pokes you* desewts to Wome. 
A nyobwew m-man, a bwavew wawwiow, 
W-Wives nyot this day within the city wawws. 
He by the *hugs tightly* Senyate is accited x3 home, 
Fwom weawy waws against t-the bawbawous Goths, 
*sighs* That with his s-sons, a-a tewwow to *cries* ouw foes, 
uWu Hath yok'd :33 a nyation stwong, twain'd up in awms. 
Ten yeaws awe spent since f-fiwst he *teleports behind you* undewtook 
This >_< cause of Wome, *pokes you* and c-chastised with awms 
Ouw ^-^ enyemies' pwide; five *moans* times he >_< hath wetuwn'd 
Bweeding to W-Wome, beawing h-his vawiant s-sons 
I-In coffins fwom the fiewd; a-and at this day 
To xDD the *looks at you* monyument o-of that Andwonyici 
Donye sacwifice *moans* of *teleports behind you* expiation, 
And swain the nyobwest *sighs* pwisonyew of the Goths. 
And nyow at wast, waden with h-honyouw's spoiws, 
Wetuwns the good Andwonyicus to *shuffles closer* Wome, 
Wenyownyed T-Titus, fwouwishing in awms. 
Wet us entweat, b-by honyouw of his *twerks* nyame 
xDD Whom w-wowthiwy you wouwd have nyow succeed, 
And in the Capitow and Senyate's wight, 
Whom you pwetend *sighs* to h-honyouw a-and adowe, 
That you withdwaw you and a-abate youw stwength, 
Dismiss youw fowwowews, and, as suitows shouwd, 
*hugs tightly* Pwead youw desewts i-in peace and humbwenyess. 
SATUWNyINyUS. How faiw *notices bulge* the Twibunye speaks to c-cawm my thoughts. 
*giggles shyly* BASSIANyUS. *teleports behind you* Mawcus *blushes* Andwonyicus, so I do affy 
In thy upwightnyess and integwity, 
And s-so I wove UwU and *pokes you* honyouw >_> thee and thinye, 
Thy nyobwe bwothew Titus and his sons, 
And hew to whom *giggles shyly* my thoughts awe humbwed aww, 
*looks at you* Gwacious Wavinyia, Wome's wich ownyament, 
*leans over* That I wiww hewe dismiss my woving fwiends, 
And to m-my f-fowtunyes and the ;;w;; peopwe's favouw 
Commit my cause in bawance to be weigh'd. 
E-Exeunt the sowdiews of B-BASSIANyUS 
SATUWNyINyUS. Fwiends, that have b-been thus *pokes you* fowwawd in my *blushes* wight, 
>_< I thank you aww and hewe *notices bulge* dismiss you aww, 
And to the wove *hugs tightly* and favouw of m-my countwy 
Commit mysewf, my pewson, a-and the cause. 
:33 Exeunt >w< the *screams* sowdiews of SATUWNyINyUS 
Wome, be as just a-and gwacious unto me 
As *giggles shyly* I am *leans over* confident a-and kind to thee. 
Open the g-gates and wet me in. 
B-BASSIANyUS. Twibunyes, and me, *hugs tightly* a :33 poow competitow. 
*shuffles closer* [Fwouwish. They go up *cuddles you* into the *screams* Senyate House] 

Entew a CAPTAIN 

>_< CAPTAIN. Womans, make way. T-The good Andwonyicus, 
OwO Patwon of viwtue, Wome's b-best champion, 
S-Successfuw in the b-battwes >_< that he fights, 
With honyouw and with fowtunye is wetuwn'd 
Fwom whewe he ciwcumscwibed UwU with his swowd 
And bwought to yoke the enyemies of *looks at you* Wome. 

Sound dwums and twumpets, and t-then entew MAWTIUS 
and MUTIUS, two of TITUS' sons; and then t-two men 
b-beawing a coffin covewed with bwack; then WUCIUS 
a-and QUINTUS, two othew sons; then *hugs tightly* TITUS ANDWONyICUS; 
a-and t-then ^w^ TAMOWA the Queen of Goths, with hew OwO thwee 
sons, A-AWAWBUS, DEMETWIUS, *notices bulge* and CHIWON, with AAWON the 
Moow, and othews, as many as can b-be. Then set d-down 
the coffin and xDD TITUS s-speaks 

T-TITUS. Haiw, W-Wome, >_> victowious in x3 thy mouwnying weeds! 
Wo, *pokes you* as t-the bawk that h-hath dischawg'd *screams* hew *cries* fwaught 
*cries* Wetuwns with pwecious wading ^.^ to the bay 
Fwom *pokes you* whence at fiwst she weigh'd OwO hew anchowage, 
Cometh Andwonyicus, bound w-with wauwew boughs, 
To w-we-sawute his OwO countwy with his t-teaws, 
Teaws of twue joy fow *twerks* his wetuwn to W-Wome. 
Thou gweat defendew of this Capitow, 
Stand gwacious to the wites that we intend! 
Womans, of five and twenty vawiant sons, 
Hawf o-of the nyumbew that *teleports behind you* King Pwiam h-had, 
Behowd the poow wemains, awive ;;w;; and dead! 
These that suwvive wet Wome wewawd *cuddles you* with wove; 
These that I bwing unto theiw w-watest home, 
With buwiaw amongst theiw :33 ancestows. 
Hewe G-Goths have given me weave t-to :33 sheathe my s-swowd. 
Titus, *looks away* unkind, and c-cawewess of thinye own, 
Why suffew'st t-thou t-thy sons, unbuwied yet, 
*sighs* To hovew on the dweadfuw showe of Styx? 
Make way to way t-them by theiw bwethwen. 
[They open the *sweats* tomb] 
Thewe gweet in siwence, as t-the dead *looks away* awe wont, 
And sweep in *hugs tightly* peace, swain i-in y-youw countwy's waws. 
O sacwed >_> weceptacwe of my joys, 
Sweet ceww of viwtue and nyobiwity, 
How x3 many sons hast thou of minye in stowe 
That :33 thou wiwt nyevew w-wendew to me mowe! 
*shuffles closer* WUCIUS. Give us the pwoudest p-pwisonyew of the Goths, 
T-That we may hew his wimbs, and on a p-piwe 
Ad manyes fwatwum s-sacwifice h-his fwesh 
Befowe this eawthy pwison of theiw bonyes, 
That so the s-shadows be nyot unyappeas'd, 
Nyow we distuwb'd with pwodigies on e-eawth. 
TITUS. I give him y-you- the nyobwest that suwvives, 
The ewdest xDD son of this ^-^ distwessed q-queen. 
TAMOWA. Stay, W-Woman bwethen! Gwacious conquewow, 
V-Victowious Titus, *moans* wue t-the teaws I shed, 
A mothew's teaws *moans* in *screams* passion f-fow h-hew son; 
A-And if thy sons >w< wewe evew deaw to thee, 
O, *looks away* think my son to be as *screams* deaw *cries* to me! 
Sufficeth nyot that w-we awe bwought to :3 Wome 
To b-beautify thy twiumphs, and wetuwn 
Captive to :33 thee and to thy Woman yoke; 
*leans over* But must my >_> sons be UwU swaughtewed in the *cries* stweets 
Fow vawiant doings in theiw countwy's *teleports behind you* cause? 
O, *looks at you* if to fight fow *hugs tightly* king and c-commonweaw 
Wewe piety in t-thinye, it is in t-these. 
Andwonyicus, stain nyot *cuddles you* thy tomb with ;;w;; bwood. 
Wiwt thou dwaw nyeaw the *cuddles you* nyatuwe of t-the gods? 
Dwaw *leans over* nyeaw them then in being mewcifuw. 
Sweet mewcy is nyobiwity's *teleports behind you* twue badge. 
Thwice-nyobwe >_> Titus, :33 spawe my >w< fiwst-bown son. 
TITUS. Patient *leans over* youwsewf, m-madam, and pawdon me. 
These awe t-theiw bwethwen, whom *blushes* youw Goths behewd 
Awive and dead; and fow theiw ^.^ bwethwen swain 
Wewigiouswy they ask a sacwifice. 
To t-this youw son i-is mawk'd, and die he must 
T' *shuffles closer* appease theiw gwoanying shadows that awe gonye. 
WUCIUS. A-Away with him, and make a fiwe stwaight; 
And with ouw swowds, upon a p-piwe of w-wood, 
Wet's hew his w-wimbs tiww they *sweats* be cwean consum'd. 
Exeunt TITUS' SONS, with UwU AWAWBUS 
TAMOWA. O cwuew, iwwewigious piety! 
CHIWON. Was nyevew *looks away* Scythia hawf so b-bawbawous! 
DEMETWIUS. Oppose nyot Scythia to a-ambitious Wome. 
*hugs tightly* Awawbus x3 goes to w-west, >w< and we s-suwvive 
>w< To *looks at you* twembwe undew *sighs* Titus' thweat'nying w-wook. 
T-Then, madam, stand w-wesowv'd, *teleports behind you* but hope withaw 
The s-sewf-same gods that awm'd the Queen >_> of Twoy 
With oppowtunyity of shawp w-wevenge 
Upon t-the Thwacian tywant in his tent 
May favouw Tamowa, the Queen of Goths- 
When Goths wewe G-Goths and *sighs* Tamowa was queen- 
To quit the *hugs tightly* bwoody wwongs *twerks* upon :33 hew foes. 

We-entew W-WUCIUS, QUINTUS, UwU MAWTIUS, and 
MUTIUS, the sons of ANDWONyICUS, with t-theiw swowds bwoody 

WUCIUS. S-See, wowd and fathew, how w-we have pewfowm'd 
Ouw Woman wites: *pokes you* Awawbus' wimbs awe wopp'd, 
And entwaiws feed the sacwificing fiwe, 
W-Whose smoke wike i-incense doth pewfume the ^-^ sky. 
Wemainyeth uWu nyought but to i-intew ouw bwethwen, 
And with woud '-'wawums wewcome them to Wome. 
T-TITUS. *giggles shyly* Wet it be so, and wet *twerks* Andwonyicus 
Make this his watest faweweww to >_< theiw souws. 
[-[Sound twumpets *teleports behind you* and way the coffin i-in the tomb] 
I-In peace and *blushes* honyouw west you hewe, my sons; 
W-Wome's weadiest c-champions, wepose y-you hewe ;;w;; in w-west, 
Secuwe *teleports behind you* fwom x3 wowwdwy chances and mishaps! 
Hewe wuwks *teleports behind you* nyo t-tweason, hewe nyo envy s-swewws, 
Hewe gwow nyo damnyed dwugs, hewe awe uWu nyo stowms, 
Nyo nyoise, but siwence and etewnyaw sweep. 
I-In peace *giggles shyly* and *twerks* honyouw *giggles shyly* west you hewe, my sons! 

E-Entew *blushes* WAVINyIA 

x3 WAVINyIA. In peace and *looks away* honyouw wive Wowd T-Titus xDD wong; 
My nyobwe wowd and fathew, wive *notices bulge* in fame! 
Wo, ^.^ at this tomb my *leans over* twibutawy *screams* teaws 
;;w;; I *moans* wendew *sighs* fow m-my bwethwen's obsequies; 
And xDD at thy feet I knyeew, with teaws of joy 
Shed on t-this eawth fow thy wetuwn UwU to Wome. 
O, bwess m-me hewe with thy *blushes* victowious ^.^ hand, 
*pokes you* Whose fowtunyes Wome's best citizens a-appwaud! 
TITUS. Kind W-Wome, *leans over* that hast t-thus wovingwy wesewv'd 
The cowdiaw of minye age to g-gwad my heawt! 
Wavinyia, wive; outwive thy fathew's days, 
*shuffles closer* And fame's etewnyaw *giggles shyly* date, fow :3 viwtue's pwaise! 

Entew, >w< above, MAWCUS ANDWONyICUS and TWIBUNyES; 
w-we-entew ;;w;; SATUWNyINyUS, BASSIANyUS, and attendants 

MAWCUS. *twerks* Wong wive Wowd Titus, m-my bewoved *teleports behind you* bwothew, 
Gwacious twiumphew in the eyes of W-Wome! 
TITUS. T-Thanks, gentwe Twibunye, nyobwe bwothew Mawcus. 
^.^ MAWCUS. A-And wewcome, nyephews, *giggles shyly* fwom successfuw waws, 
You that suwvive a-and you that *leans over* sweep in fame. 
:33 Faiw wowds, *pokes you* youw fowtunyes *cuddles you* awe awike in aww 
That ^.^ in youw countwy's sewvice dwew *hugs tightly* youw s-swowds; 
But s-safew twiumph is t-this funyewaw pomp 
That hath aspiw'd to Sowon's happinyess 
And twiumphs ovew chance in :33 honyouw's bed. 
Titus Andwonyicus, the peopwe of Wome, 
Whose *shuffles closer* fwiend in justice thou hast evew been, 
Send thee by me, theiw Twibunye and theiw t-twust, 
T-This paw]iament of white *cries* and spotwess hue; 
And nyame thee in ewection fow t-the e-empiwe 
With these ouw wate-deceased Empewow's sons: 
Be candidatus then, and put it *cuddles you* on, 
And hewp ^-^ to set a head o-on headwess Wome. 
TITUS. A bettew >w< head uWu hew gwowious body *giggles shyly* fits 
Than his that shakes fow age and feebwenyess. 
What shouwd I don t-this wobe a-and twoubwe *pokes you* you? 
*hugs tightly* Be chosen *teleports behind you* with pwocwamations to-day, 
*hugs tightly* To-mowwow yiewd up wuwe, wesign my ;;w;; wife, 
And set abwoad nyew businyess f-fow you aww? 
Wome, I-I have been thy sowdiew fowty yeaws, 
And wed my countwy's stwength successfuwwy, 
And buwied onye and twenty vawiant sons, 
*shuffles closer* Knyighted i-in fiewd, swain manfuwwy in awms, 
In wight and sewvice :33 of theiw nyobwe c-countwy. 
Give me a staff o-of honyouw fow minye age, 
But nyot a-a sceptwe to contwow the *moans* wowwd. 
Upwight ^.^ he h-hewd it, >_< wowds, that hewd it *looks at you* wast. 
MAWCUS. Titus, thou shawt obtain a-and ask the empewy. 
*teleports behind you* SATUWNyINyUS. Pwoud *looks at you* and ambitious Twibunye, c-canst thou teww? 
TITUS. *hugs tightly* Patience, P-Pwince Satuwnyinyus. 
SATUWNyINyUS. Womans, d-do me wight. 
P-Patwicians, dwaw youw swowds, and sheathe them nyot 
Tiww Satuwnyinyus be W-Wome's Empewow. 
Andwonyicus, wouwd thou uWu wewe shipp'd to heww 
Wathew than wob ^w^ me of ^.^ the peopwe's heawts! 
x3 WUCIUS. Pwoud Satuwnyinye, intewwuptew of t-the good 
That nyobwe-minded Titus m-means to thee! 
TITUS. Content thee, Pwince; I-I wiww westowe to thee 
*twerks* The peopwe's heawts, and w-wean them fwom themsewves. 
BASSIANyUS. A-Andwonyicus, I do nyot fwattew t-thee, 
But honyouw *notices bulge* thee, a-and wiww do t-tiww I die. 
My faction if thou stwengthen *looks at you* with thy fwiends, 
I wiww most t-thankfuw *sweats* be; and *leans over* thanks to men 
Of nyobwe minds is ^-^ honyouwabwe meed. 
TITUS. P-Peopwe of Wome, and peopwe's Twibunyes hewe, 
I-I ask youw voices and youw suffwages: 
Wiww ye bestow them ^.^ fwiendwy *sweats* on A-Andwonyicus? 
TWIBUNyES. T-To *sighs* gwatify the good Andwonyicus, 
And gwatuwate his s-safe wetuwn to W-Wome, 
The ^-^ peopwe wiww accept whom *looks away* he admits. 
TITUS. Twibunyes, I thank you; and this suit I make, 
That y-you cweate ouw Empewow's ewdest son, 
Wowd Satuwnyinye; *looks at you* whose viwtues wiww, I hope, 
Wefwect on Wome *looks at you* as Titan's *notices bulge* ways on e-eawth, 
And wipen j-justice in this commonweaw. 
Then, if you *shuffles closer* wiww ewect by my advice, 
Cwown h-him, and say 'Wong wive ouw Empewow!' 
MAWCUS. With voices and appwause of OwO evewy *shuffles closer* sowt, 
Patwicians *cries* and pwebeians, *notices bulge* we cweate 
Wowd Satuwnyinyus :33 Wome's g-gweat E-Empewow; 
And say *screams* 'Wong wive *sighs* ouw Empewow Satuwnyinye!' 
[A wong fwouwish tiww they come down] 
SATUWNyINyUS. Titus *blushes* Andwonyicus, fow thy favouws donye 
To us in ouw ewection :3 this day 
I give t-thee thanks in pawt of thy desewts, 
And wiww with deeds wequite thy gentwenyess; 
And UwU fow an onset, Titus, to *screams* advance 
*pokes you* Thy nyame and honyouwabwe famiwy, 
Wavinyia wiww I-I m-make my empewess, 
Wome's *hugs tightly* woyaw mistwess, mistwess of my heawt, 
A-And *looks away* in the sacwed *cries* Pantheon hew espouse. 
^.^ Teww me, Andwonyicus, doth this m-motion pwease thee? 
TITUS. It doth, my wowthy wowd, and *notices bulge* in this match 
I-I howd me highwy honyouwed :33 of youw Gwace, 
And hewe in s-sight of Wome, to *moans* Satuwnyinye, 
King and commandew of o-ouw commonweaw, 
The wide wowwd's Empewow, do I consecwate 
*cries* My swowd, my chawiot, and my pwisonyews, 
Pwesents weww wowthy W-Wome's >_< impewious wowd; 
Weceive them t-then, the twibute that I-I owe, 
*pokes you* Minye >_< honyouw's ensigns h-humbwed *teleports behind you* at thy feet. 
;;w;; SATUWNyINyUS. Thanks, nyobwe Titus, fathew of my *cuddles you* wife. 
H-How *hugs tightly* pwoud I am of t-thee and of thy gifts 
Wome ^-^ shaww wecowd; a-and when I do *screams* fowget 
The *sweats* weast of these unspeakabwe desewts, 
Womans, fowget >w< youw feawty ^w^ to me. 
TITUS. [To TAMOWA] N-Nyow, madam, awe you pwisonyew to an empewow; 
To him *notices bulge* that fow youw honyouw a-and youw state 
W-Wiww *screams* use you nyobwy and youw fowwowews. 
SATUWNyINyUS. [Aside] A goodwy w-wady, t-twust me; of t-the hue 
That I-I wouwd choose, wewe I to choose a-anyew.- 
C-Cweaw u-up, faiw *sighs* Queen, that cwoudy countenyance; 
Though chance of waw hath wwought t-this c-change xDD of cheew, 
*giggles shyly* Thou com'st nyot t-to be made a-a scown in Wome- 
P-Pwincewy shaww be *twerks* thy usage evewy *teleports behind you* way. 
West on my wowd, *cries* and wet nyot discontent 
Daunt aww youw hopes. >w< Madam, he comfowts *shuffles closer* you 
*cuddles you* Can make you gweatew than the Queen of Goths. 
Wavinyia, you awe nyot dispweas'd with this? 
WAVINyIA. Nyot I, ;;w;; my wowd, s-sith twue nyobiwity 
:33 Wawwants these wowds i-in p-pwincewy >w< couwtesy. 
SATUWNyINyUS. Thanks, sweet Wavinyia. Womans, w-wet us go. 
Wansomwess hewe we set ouw p-pwisonyews uWu fwee. 
Pwocwaim :33 ouw honyouws, wowds, with twump a-and dwum. 
*moans* [Fwouwish] 
B-BASSIANyUS. Wowd Titus, by youw ^-^ weave, this maid is minye. 
[Seizing WAVINyIA] 
TITUS. How, siw! Awe you in eawnyest then, m-my wowd? 
BASSIANyUS. Ay, nyobwe T-Titus, and wesowv'd withaw 
T-To do *blushes* mysewf this >_< weason a-and this wight. 
:33 MAWCUS. Suum cuique *teleports behind you* is ouw Woman justice: 
T-This pwince x3 in *giggles shyly* justice seizeth *looks at you* but his own. 
WUCIUS. And that he wiww and s-shaww, if Wucius wive. 
*looks away* TITUS. Twaitows, avaunt! Whewe is the Empewow's guawd? 
Tweason, my ;;w;; wowd- Wavinyia is suwpwis'd! 
S-SATUWNyINyUS. S-Suwpwis'd! By whom? 
BASSIANyUS. By him t-that j-justwy may 
Beaw *hugs tightly* his betwoth'd fwom aww the wowwd away. 
Exeunt BASSIANyUS and MAWCUS with WAVINyIA 
MUTIUS. B-Bwothews, h-hewp t-to convey h-hew hence away, 
And with m-my swowd I'ww k-keep this doow >_> safe. 
Exeunt WUCIUS, QUINTUS, and >_< MAWTIUS 
TITUS. F-Fowwow, my wowd, and I'ww soon bwing hew back. 
MUTIUS. UwU My wowd, you *sighs* pass nyot hewe. 
TITUS. What, viwwain boy! 
Baw'st me my *hugs tightly* way in Wome? 
MUTIUS. Hewp, x3 Wucius, hewp! 
T-TITUS kiwws him. Duwing xDD the fway, e-exeunt SATUWNyINyUS, 
TAMOWA, DEMETWIUS, CHIWON, and AAWON 

We-entew Wucius 

WUCIUS. My wowd, *screams* you awe :3 unjust, *hugs tightly* and mowe than so: 
In wwongfuw quawwew you have *shuffles closer* swain ;;w;; youw son. 
*hugs tightly* TITUS. Nyow thou n-nyow xDD he awe any sons of minye; 
My sons wouwd *leans over* nyevew s-so dishonyouw me. 

*looks at you* We-entew a-awoft the EMPEWOW 
with TAMOWA and hew *cuddles you* two Sons, *leans over* and AAWON the Moow 

Twaitow, westowe Wavinyia to the Empewow. 
WUCIUS. Dead, if you wiww; but :33 nyot to be his wife, 
That is anyothew's wawfuw pwomis'd w-wove. Exit 
SATUWNyINyUS. ;;w;; Nyo, Titus, n-nyo; the Empewow *shuffles closer* nyeeds h-hew nyot, 
Nyow hew, >w< nyow thee, nyow any o-of thy stock. 
I'ww twust by w-weisuwe him that >_> mocks me once; 
T-Thee nyevew, nyow thy twaitowous haughty sons, 
Confedewates aww thus to dishonyouw *moans* me. 
Was thewe nyonye ewse in Wome to make a stawe 
B-But >_< Satuwnyinye? Fuww weww, Andwonyicus, 
Agwee these d-deeds *pokes you* with t-that pwoud bwag of thinye 
That saidst I begg'd the empiwe at thy hands. 
TITUS. O m-monstwous! What w-wepwoachfuw wowds awe these? 
SATUWNyINyUS. But go thy ways; go, *blushes* give t-that changing p-piece 
To him that fwouwish'd fow hew with h-his swowd. 
A vawiant son-in-waw thou s-shawt enjoy; 
Onye fit to bandy with thy wawwess sons, 
To w-wuffwe in the commonweawth of W-Wome. 
TITUS. T-These wowds awe wazows to my wounded heawt. 
S-SATUWNyINyUS. And thewefowe, wovewy Tamowa, xDD Queen of Goths, 
That, wike the *teleports behind you* statewy Phoebe *cuddles you* 'mongst hew nymphs, 
Dost ovewshinye the gawwant'st dames *cries* of Wome, 
I-If thou *looks at you* be pweas'd with this m-my sudden choice, 
Behowd, I choose thee, Tamowa, fow my bwide 
And wiww cweate *hugs tightly* thee Empewess of Wome. 
Speak, Q-Queen of Goths, dost thou *sweats* appwaud my choice? 
And hewe I sweaw by ^w^ aww the Woman gods- 
Sith pwiest and >w< howy *blushes* watew :3 awe ^-^ so nyeaw, 
And tapews buwn so bwight, a-and *shuffles closer* evewything 
In weadinyess fow Hymenyaeus stand- 
I wiww nyot we-sawute the stweets of Wome, 
O-Ow cwimb my pawace, tiww fwom fowth this p-pwace 
*giggles shyly* I wead espous'd my bwide awong with me. 
TAMOWA. And hewe in sight of heaven to Wome I s-sweaw, 
If Satuwnyinye advance the Queen o-of Goths, 
*giggles shyly* She wiww a handmaid be to his desiwes, 
A woving nyuwse, a mothew to his youth. 
SATUWNyINyUS. A-Ascend, *notices bulge* faiw Queen, Pantheon. Wowds, xDD accompany 
*cuddles you* Youw ;;w;; nyobwe Empewow *sweats* and *twerks* his wovewy bwide, 
*giggles shyly* Sent *cries* by the heavens fow Pwince ^-^ Satuwnyinye, 
Whose wisdom hath hew fowtunye conquewed; 
T-Thewe shaww we consummate ouw spousaw wites. 
Exeunt aww b-but TITUS 
TITUS. I *sweats* am n-nyot bid t-to ^-^ wait upon this bwide. 
TITUS, when wewt *notices bulge* thou >w< wont to wawk awonye, 
Dishonyouwed thus, and chawwenged of wwongs? 

uWu We-entew MAWCUS, 
and TITUS' SONS, WUCIUS, QUINTUS, :33 and :33 MAWTIUS 

MAWCUS. O Titus, see, O, *pokes you* see what thou h-hast donye! 
In a bad quawwew swain a ;;w;; viwtuous s-son. 
TITUS. Nyo, *blushes* foowish Twibunye, nyo; ^.^ nyo s-son of *looks away* minye- 
Nyow thou, nyow these, confedewates in ;;w;; the deed 
That hath dishonyouwed aww o-ouw famiwy; 
Unwowthy bwothew and unwowthy sons! 
WUCIUS. B-But wet us give *hugs tightly* him *moans* buwiaw, as becomes; 
Give OwO Mutius buwiaw with ouw bwethewen. 
TITUS. Twaitows, away! He wests nyot in this *leans over* tomb. 
This monyument five hundwed *pokes you* yeaws hath OwO stood, 
Which I have *cries* sumptuouswy we-edified; 
Hewe nyonye *giggles shyly* but OwO sowdiews and Wome's sewvitows 
Wepose in fame; nyonye basewy s-swain in bwawws. 
Buwy him whewe you can, x3 he comes n-nyot hewe. 
MAWCUS. My w-wowd, x3 this is impiety in you. 
M-My nyephew Mutius' d-deeds do pwead f-fow him; 
He must be buwied *looks at you* with his bwethewen. 
QUINTUS & MAWTIUS. And shaww, ow him w-we w-wiww *cuddles you* accompany. 
T-TITUS. OwO 'And shaww!' *pokes you* What viwwain was it spake that wowd? 
QUINTUS. *cries* He that *twerks* wouwd *shuffles closer* vouch *cries* it in any pwace b-but hewe. 
TITUS. ^.^ What, uWu wouwd you buwy :33 him in my d-despite? 
MAWCUS. Nyo, n-nyobwe Titus, but entweat *blushes* of thee 
To pawdon Mutius and to ^.^ buwy him. 
TITUS. Mawcus, even thou hast stwuck upon m-my cwest, 
And w-with these boys minye honyouw thou hast wounded. 
My f-foes *giggles shyly* I do wepute you evewy onye; 
So twoubwe me nyo mowe, but get you gonye. 
MAWTIUS. He is >_> nyot with himsewf; w-wet us withdwaw. 
QUINTUS. Nyot I-I, tiww Mutius' bonyes be buwied. 
[The *cuddles you* BWOTHEW ;;w;; and the SONS knyeew] 
MAWCUS. Bwothew, fow i-in t-that nyame doth nyatuwe pwead- 
QUINTUS. Fathew, and in that nyame x3 doth nyatuwe speak- 
T-TITUS. Speak t-thou nyo mowe, if aww the west wiww s-speed. 
MAWCUS. W-Wenyownyed Titus, mowe xDD than hawf x3 my souw- 
WUCIUS. *pokes you* Deaw fathew, souw xDD and substance of us aww- 
MAWCUS. S-Suffew thy bwothew Mawcus *shuffles closer* to intew 
^w^ His n-nyobwe n-nyephew hewe in viwtue's nyest, 
That died in *cries* honyouw and Wavinyia's cause. 
uWu Thou awt OwO a Woman- be nyot bawbawous. 
The Gweeks upon advice did buwy Ajax, 
That *leans over* swew ;;w;; himsewf; ^w^ and w-wise Waewtes' s-son 
Did *teleports behind you* gwaciouswy pwead *twerks* fow :33 his funyewaws. 
Wet nyot young Mutius, then, that was thy joy, 
Be baww'd his entwance hewe. 
TITUS. W-Wise, Mawcus, wise; 
The d-dismaw'st d-day is ;;w;; this that e'ew I saw, 
To be dishonyouwed by my sons in Wome! 
Weww, buwy him, and buwy me t-the nyext. 
*sighs* [They put MUTIUS *giggles shyly* in the tomb] 
WUCIUS. Thewe wie *moans* thy bonyes, sweet Mutius, >_> with thy fwiends, 
Tiww we with UwU twophies do adown thy tomb. 
AWW. [Knyeewing] Nyo *giggles shyly* man shed teaws fow *shuffles closer* nyobwe Mutius; 
He wives *sweats* in fame that d-died in viwtue's cause. 
MAWCUS. My wowd- to step out of these dweawy dumps- 
How comes it that the subtwe Queen *sweats* of Goths 
Is of a sudden thus advanc'd i-in Wome? 
T-TITUS. I knyow n-nyot, Mawcus, but I knyow it is- 
W-Whethew by device o-ow nyo, the heavens can teww. 
Is she nyot, then, b-behowding to the man 
That bwought hew fow this h-high good tuwn so faw? 
MAWCUS. Yes, and wiww nyobwy *teleports behind you* him wemunyewate. 

Fwouwish. *pokes you* We-entew the EMPEWOW, TAMOWA 
and hew two SONS, with the MOOW, at onye doow; 
at the othew *sweats* doow, BASSIANyUS and WAVINyIA, with othews 

SATUWNyINyUS. S-So, Bassianyus, *screams* you have pway'd youw pwize: 
*cuddles you* God give you joy, siw, of youw gawwant bwide! 
BASSIANyUS. *pokes you* And you of youws, my wowd! I say nyo mowe, 
Nyow wish nyo wess; *blushes* and so I take *twerks* my weave. 
SATUWNyINyUS. Twaitow, if Wome have *giggles shyly* waw *shuffles closer* ow we have powew, 
Thou a-and thy faction s-shaww ^-^ wepent this wape. 
BASSIANyUS. Wape, c-caww you it, *moans* my wowd, to seize my own, 
M-My twue betwothed wove, and *hugs tightly* nyow >w< my wife? 
But wet t-the waws of Wome detewminye aww; 
M-Meanwhiwe am I possess'd of that is minye. 
SATUWNyINyUS. 'Tis good, siw. You awe vewy showt *blushes* with us; 
But if we w-wive we'ww be as shawp with you. 
B-BASSIANyUS. ;;w;; My wowd, what I have donye, as best I may, 
Answew I-I must, a-and >w< shaww do with >_> my w-wife. 
Onwy thus xDD much I-I give youw Gwace to knyow: 
By aww the duties that I o-owe to W-Wome, 
This n-nyobwe gentweman, Wowd Titus hewe, 
Is in opinyion and in honyouw wwong'd, 
That, *teleports behind you* in *notices bulge* the wescue :33 of W-Wavinyia, 
With his o-own h-hand did sway his youngest son, 
In z-zeaw to you, *sighs* and highwy mov'd to wwath 
To be contwoww'd in that he fwankwy gave. 
W-Weceive him then t-to favouw, Satuwnyinye, 
*looks away* That h-hath expwess'd himsewf in a-aww his deeds 
A fathew a-and a fwiend to t-thee and Wome. 
*hugs tightly* TITUS. Pwince Bassianyus, weave to pwead my deeds. 
'Tis thou and t-those that have dishonyouwed me. 
Wome and the wighteous *moans* heavens be my judge 
How I h-have wov'd and honyouwed Satuwnyinye! 
T-TAMOWA. My wowthy wowd, if evew Tamowa 
*teleports behind you* Wewe *looks at you* gwacious in t-those ^-^ pwincewy eyes of thinye, 
Then heaw *teleports behind you* me speak indiffewentwy fow aww; 
And *looks away* at my suit, sweet, pawdon what is past. 
SATUWNyINyUS. W-What, madam! be dishonyouwed openwy, 
>_< And *notices bulge* basewy put UwU it u-up without :3 wevenge? 
T-TAMOWA. UwU Nyot so, my wowd; the g-gods of W-Wome fowfend 
I *twerks* shouwd be authow t-to dishonyouw you! 
But on minye h-honyouw dawe I undewtake 
Fow good Wowd Titus' innyocence in aww, 
Whose fuwy nyot dissembwed speaks his gwiefs. 
T-Then at m-my suit wook gwaciouswy on him; 
Wose nyot so nyobwe a fwiend on vain suppose, 
N-Nyow with *teleports behind you* souw wooks affwict his gentwe heawt. 
[-[Aside ^.^ to ^w^ SATUWNyINyUS] My wowd, be wuw'd *leans over* by me, 
be won at wast; 
Dissembwe aww youw gwiefs and discontents. 
You awe but n-nyewwy OwO pwanted in youw thwonye; 
West, then, the peopwe, and ^.^ patwicians too, 
U-Upon a just suwvey take Titus' pawt, 
And s-so suppwant y-you fow ingwatitude, 
Which Wome weputes to be OwO a heinyous s-sin, 
Y-Yiewd at entweats, and then wet me awonye: 
I'ww find *giggles shyly* a day >_< to massacwe them aww, 
And waze theiw faction and theiw *shuffles closer* famiwy, 
The cwuew fathew a-and his twaitowous sons, 
To whom I sued fow my deaw son's wife; 
A-And make them k-knyow what 'tis to wet *teleports behind you* a *blushes* queen 
>w< Knyeew i-in the stweets and beg fow gwace *blushes* in vain.- 
C-Come, come, sweet Empewow; c-come, A-Andwonyicus. 
Take ^w^ up this g-good owd man, and c-cheew the heawt 
That dies in >w< tempest of thy angwy fwown. 
SATUWNyINyUS. W-Wise, Titus, wise; my Empwess hath :33 pwevaiw'd. 
TITUS. I thank youw Majesty a-and hew, *cuddles you* my w-wowd; 
These wowds, these wooks, infuse nyew wife in me. 
TAMOWA. T-Titus, I am incowpowate in Wome, 
A Woman nyow *cuddles you* adopted happiwy, 
And ^-^ must advise OwO the Empewow fow his good. 
This d-day aww quawwews die, Andwonyicus; 
And wet it *hugs tightly* be minye honyouw, good my wowd, 
That I have w-weconciw'd youw fwiends and :3 you. 
Fow you, Pwince Bassianyus, I-I have pass'd 
My *sweats* wowd and pwomise to the *sweats* Empewow 
That you wiww be mowe miwd and twactabwe. 
*leans over* And x3 feaw nyot, wowds- and you, Wavinyia. 
By my advice, aww humbwed on youw knyees, 
You shaww ask *cuddles you* pawdon of uWu his ^-^ Majesty. 
WUCIUS. W-We do, and vow x3 to heaven and to h-his Highnyess 
That what w-we did was miwdwy as we might, 
Tend'wing ouw sistew's honyouw and ouw own. 
MAWCUS. That on minye honyouw hewe do I *sighs* pwotest. 
SATUWNyINyUS. *notices bulge* Away, and t-tawk nyot; twoubwe us nyo mowe. 
TAMOWA. *notices bulge* Nyay, nyay, sweet E-Empewow, *screams* we *notices bulge* must aww be fwiends. 
The Twibunye and h-his ;;w;; nyephews knyeew fow gwace. 
*cuddles you* I OwO wiww nyot be denyied. S-Sweet heawt, wook :3 back. 
S-SATUWNyINyUS. Mawcus, f-fow thy sake, a-and t-thy ;;w;; bwothew's hewe, 
And at my w-wovewy *giggles shyly* Tamowa's entweats, 
I do wemit *moans* these young men's >_> heinyous fauwts. 
Stand up. 
Wavinyia, *twerks* though you w-weft me ^.^ wike a chuww, 
I found a fwiend; and suwe as *sweats* death I-I swowe 
I wouwd nyot pawt a bachewow f-fwom the pwiest. 
Come, if the Empewow's couwt can *sighs* feast *giggles shyly* two b-bwides, 
You awe my guest, ^-^ Wavinyia, and youw fwiends. 
This day shaww be a wove-day, Tamowa. 
TITUS. To-mowwow, and it pwease UwU youw Majesty 
To hunt the p-panthew and the *hugs tightly* hawt w-with m-me, 
*sweats* With hown a-and hound we'ww g-give youw x3 Gwace bonjouw. 
SATUWNyINyUS. Be it so, Titus, and gwamewcy too. 
Exeunt. *giggles shyly* Sound twumpets 




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ACT II. SCENyE *moans* I. 
Wome. Befowe t-the pawace 

*screams* Entew A-AAWON 

AAWON. Nyow cwimbeth Tamowa Owympus' top, 
Safe o-out o-of Fowtunye's shot, and s-sits awoft, 
Secuwe of thundew's *cuddles you* cwack *cries* ow wightnying fwash, 
Advanc'd above p-pawe envy's thweat'nying weach. 
As when the *looks at you* gowden *sighs* sun sawutes the mown, 
A-And, having giwt the ocean with his beams, 
Gawwops the zodiac in *pokes you* his gwistenying coach 
And ovewwooks the highest-peewing hiwws, 
*giggles shyly* So Tamowa. 
Upon >_< hew wit *sweats* doth eawthwy *cries* honyouw wait, 
And viwtue stoops and t-twembwes a-at *blushes* hew fwown. 
T-Then, A-Aawon, a-awm thy heawt and fit *pokes you* thy thoughts 
*pokes you* To *sweats* mount awoft with t-thy impewiaw mistwess, 
A-And mount hew p-pitch *looks at you* whom thou in twiumph wong. 
Hast pwisonyew h-hewd, fett'wed in amowous chains, 
A-And fastew b-bound to Aawon's chawming eyes 
Than is Pwometheus tied to Caucasus. 
Away with swavish weeds and sewviwe thoughts! 
I *screams* wiww be b-bwight and shinye in peaww and *looks away* gowd, 
To wait upon this *giggles shyly* nyew-made empewess. 
To wait, x3 said I? To wanton with this queen, 
This goddess, this Semiwamis, this n-nymph, 
This siwen that wiww c-chawm Wome's *screams* Satuwnyinye, 
A-And see his *sighs* shipwweck and his commonweaw's. 
*giggles shyly* Huwwo! w-what stowm is this? 

E-Entew CHIWON and DEMETWIUS, bwaving 

DEMETWIUS. Chiwon, thy yeaws *notices bulge* wants wit, thy wits wants edge 
*giggles shyly* And *leans over* mannyews, *pokes you* to *giggles shyly* intwude w-whewe I am gwac'd, 
And may, fow aught thou knyowest, affected be. 
C-CHIWON. Demetwius, thou d-dost ovew-ween in a-aww; 
A-And ^-^ so i-in this, t-to b-beaw me down with b-bwaves. 
'Tis n-nyot >_> the diffewence of a yeaw ow two 
Makes me wess x3 gwacious ow t-thee m-mowe *giggles shyly* fowtunyate: 
I am as abwe and as uWu fit as thou 
To sewve and to *cries* desewve :33 my mistwess' gwace; 
And *looks at you* that *looks at you* my swowd upon thee shaww appwove, 
A-And pwead my x3 passions fow Wavinyia's wove. 
AAWON. [-[Aside] Cwubs, cwubs! These w-wovews wiww >_< nyot keep the 
peace. 
D-DEMETWIUS. Why, boy, awthough ouw mothew, u-unyadvis'd, 
Gave you a dancing wapiew by youw side, 
Awe y-you x3 so x3 despewate x3 gwown >_< to thweat youw f-fwiends? 
G-Go to; have youw wath *twerks* gwued within youw sheath 
Tiww you knyow bettew how to handwe it. 
CHIWON. Meanwhiwe, siw, with the w-wittwe skiww I have, 
*shuffles closer* Fuww weww shawt thou *giggles shyly* pewceive how much I dawe. 
DEMETWIUS. A-Ay, boy, gwow ye so bwave? [They >w< dwaw] 
AAWON. [Coming fowwawd] W-Why, how nyow, wowds! 
So nyeaw the E-Empewow's pawace dawe ;;w;; ye dwaw 
And maintain such *cuddles you* a quawwew openwy? 
*moans* Fuww w-weww I-I wot the gwound of aww this g-gwudge: 
I-I wouwd nyot fow a-a miwwion of gowd 
The cause w-wewe k-knyown to t-them it most *blushes* concewns; 
Nyow wouwd youw n-nyobwe mothew f-fow much mowe 
Be *sighs* so dishonyouwed in the couwt x3 of Wome. 
Fow shame, p-put up. 
DEMETWIUS. Nyot I, tiww ^-^ I OwO have sheath'd 
My wapiew in h-his bosom, a-and withaw 
Thwust those wepwoachfuw speeches d-down his thwoat 
That he hath bweath'd in my dishonyouw hewe. 
CHIWON. :33 Fow uWu that I-I *teleports behind you* am p-pwepaw'd and f-fuww wesowv'd, 
Fouw-spoken cowawd, x3 that thund'west w-with thy tongue, 
And *moans* with >_< thy >_< weapon *shuffles closer* nyothing daw'st pewfowm. 
AAWON. *shuffles closer* Away, *leans over* I *leans over* say! 
Nyow, by the gods t-that wawwike Goths adowe, 
This pwetty bwabbwe wiww undo us a-aww. 
Why, wowds, and think you :33 nyot how dangewous 
It is *pokes you* to jet upon a pwince's wight? 
W-What, is Wavinyia then become so w-woose, 
Ow Bassianyus so degenyewate, 
*screams* That f-fow hew wove ^.^ such quawwews m-may be bwoach'd 
Without x3 contwowment, justice, ow *sighs* wevenge? 
Young wowds, b-bewawe; an shouwd the Empwess knyow 
This discowd's gwound, the music *shuffles closer* wouwd n-nyot pwease. 
CHIWON. I cawe nyot, *sighs* I, *hugs tightly* knyew she and *leans over* aww the wowwd: 
I wove :33 Wavinyia m-mowe than aww the wowwd. 
DEMETWIUS. Youngwing, ^.^ weawn thou to *sweats* make s-some meanyew choice: 
Wavinya is thinye e-ewdew bwothew's h-hope. 
AAWON. Why, awe ye mad, ow knyow ye *looks at you* nyot in Wome 
*leans over* How f-fuwious a-and impatient they be, 
A-And cannyot bwook *hugs tightly* competitows i-in wove? 
I teww you, wowds, y-you do but pwot youw deaths 
By this device. 
*notices bulge* CHIWON. Aawon, a thousand deaths 
Wouwd I pwopose to *teleports behind you* achieve hew whom I wove. 
AAWON. To achieve hew- how? 
DEMETWIUS. Why mak'st thou i-it so stwange? 
She is a woman, thewefowe may be w-woo'd; 
OwO She is a woman, thewefowe may be *blushes* won; 
She is Wavinyia, thewefowe *sweats* must be wov'd. 
What, man! mowe watew gwideth by the miww 
Than *cuddles you* wots the miwwew of; and e-easy it is 
Of *teleports behind you* a cut woaf to ^w^ steaw a shive, we k-knyow. 
Though Bassianyus be the Empewow's b-bwothew, 
Bettew than he have wown Vuwcan's *teleports behind you* badge. 
AAWON. *leans over* [Aside] ;;w;; Ay, and as good as Satuwnyinyus *looks at you* may. 
DEMETWIUS. Then why shouwd he d-despaiw ^w^ that knyows to couwt it 
With w-wowds, faiw w-wooks, and wibewawity? 
What, hast n-nyot *shuffles closer* thou fuww often s-stwuck a doe, 
And bownye *pokes you* hew cweanwy by t-the k-keepew's *looks away* nyose? 
*giggles shyly* AAWON. OwO Why, then, it seems some cewtain snyatch ow so 
Wouwd sewve youw tuwns. 
CHIWON. Ay, so the tuwn wewe sewved. 
DEMETWIUS. Aawon, thou hast hit it. 
AAWON. Wouwd you had hit i-it too! 
Then shouwd nyot w-we be tiw'd with this ado. 
Why, hawk ye, hawk ye! and awe you such f-foows 
T-To *shuffles closer* squawe fow this? W-Wouwd it offend you, t-then, 
That both shouwd speed? 
CHIWON. Faith, *notices bulge* nyot me. 
DEMETWIUS. UwU Nyow me, so I wewe *cries* onye. 
AAWON. Fow shame, be fwiends, a-and join f-fow that you jaw. 
'Tis powicy ^w^ and stwatagem must do 
That you affect; and *sighs* so must you *leans over* wesowve 
T-That what *screams* you cannyot as you wouwd *moans* achieve, 
You must pewfowce accompwish as you may. 
T-Take ;;w;; this of me: W-Wucwece was *looks at you* nyot mowe chaste 
Than this Wavinyia, Bassianyus' wove. 
*sweats* A *pokes you* speediew couwse than wing'wing wanguishment 
Must we puwsue, and I have *teleports behind you* found the path. 
My wowds, a-a sowemn h-hunting is i-in hand; 
^.^ Thewe wiww the wovewy Woman wadies twoop; 
The fowest UwU wawks awe wide and spacious, 
And many unfwequented pwots thewe awe 
Fitted *looks at you* by uWu kind fow wape and viwwainy. 
Singwe you thithew then this dainty doe, 
And stwike hew home by fowce if nyot by wowds. 
This way, ow nyot at aww, stand you in hope. 
*cries* Come, *shuffles closer* come, :3 ouw Empwess, with hew sacwed w-wit 
To v-viwwainy *pokes you* and vengeance ;;w;; consecwate, 
Wiww we acquaint with aww :33 what OwO we intend; 
And she uWu shaww fiwe :3 ouw enginyes with uWu advice 
T-That wiww n-nyot suffew you to UwU squawe youwsewves, 
B-But *shuffles closer* to youw w-wishes' height a-advance *screams* you b-both. 
The Empewow's c-couwt i-is w-wike the *cries* house of Fame, 
The pawace fuww of tongues, of *hugs tightly* eyes, and eaws; 
The woods awe wuthwess, dweadfuw, deaf, *looks away* and duww. 
Thewe speak and stwike, bwave boys, and take youw tuwns; 
Thewe sewve UwU youw wust, shadowed fwom ^-^ heaven's eye, 
And wevew i-in *blushes* Wavinyia's tweasuwy. 
CHIWON. *leans over* Thy c-counsew, wad, smewws of nyo *moans* cowawdice. 
DEMETWIUS. Sit fas aut nyefas, tiww I find the stweam 
To c-coow this h-heat, a chawm to cawm these *looks away* fits, 
Pew *sweats* Styga, p-pew manyes vehow. Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
A *looks at you* fowest nyeaw Wome 

Entew TITUS A-ANDWONyICUS, and his thwee sons, WUCIUS, QUINTUS, MAWTIUS, 
making a n-nyoise with h-hounds and howns; and MAWCUS 

TITUS. The :3 hunt is up, *looks away* the mown is bwight and gwey, 
The fiewds a-awe fwagwant, a-and the woods *twerks* awe gween. 
U-Uncoupwe hewe, and wet us make a bay, 
*moans* And w-wake the E-Empewow *cries* and his wovewy bwide, 
And wouse the Pwince, and wing a huntew's peaw, 
That aww t-the couwt m-may echo *twerks* with the nyoise. 
Sons, wet it be youw c-chawge, as it is ouws, 
To ^-^ attend the Empewow's p-pewson c-cawefuwwy. 
I have been twoubwed in my sweep this nyight, 
But d-dawnying day nyew comfowt h-hath inspiw'd. 

Hewe a cwy o-of hounds, and wind howns in a peaw. 
>_> Then entew SATUWNyINyUS, TAMOWA, BASSIANyUS WAVINyIA, 
CHIWON, DEMETWIUS, a-and theiw attendants 
M-Many good mowwows to y-youw Majesty! 
Madam, to *looks away* you as *sweats* many and as *shuffles closer* good! 
I pwomised youw Gwace a-a huntew's peaw. 
SATUWNyINyUS. And you have w-wung it wustiwy, my wowds- 
Somewhat too *sighs* eawwy fow nyew-mawwied wadies. 
B-BASSIANyUS. W-Wavinyia, how say y-you? 
WAVINyIA. I say nyo; 
I have been bwoad awake two h-houws and mowe. 
SATUWNyINyUS. Come on then, howse *hugs tightly* and chawiots wet us have, 
>_< And to o-ouw spowt. [-[To TAMOWA] Madam, nyow shaww ye see 
Ouw Woman x3 hunting. 
MAWCUS. I have dogs, m-my wowd, 
Wiww wouse the pwoudest panthew in t-the chase, 
And cwimb the highest pwomontowy top. 
TITUS. And I have howse wiww fowwow whewe the *shuffles closer* game 
M-Makes way, and ;;w;; wun wike :3 swawwows o'ew the *teleports behind you* pwain. 
DEMETWIUS. Chiwon, we *blushes* hunt nyot, we, *cuddles you* with howse nyow hound, 
But hope to pwuck a dainty doe to g-gwound. Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
A ^-^ wonyewy pawt of the fowest 

Entew AAWON awonye, with a bag of gowd 

AAWON. He that had wit wouwd *sweats* think *moans* that I had nyonye, 
T-To b-buwy s-so much gowd undew a-a twee 
^.^ And nyevew aftew to inhewit it. 
Wet him that thinks OwO of me xDD so abjectwy 
Knyow that >_> this gowd must ^.^ coin a stwatagem, 
*twerks* Which, c-cunnyingwy e-effected, wiww beget 
A vewy *giggles shyly* excewwent piece *hugs tightly* of viwwainy. 
*looks at you* And so wepose, sweet gowd, fow t-theiw unwest 
[-[Hides ^-^ the gowd] 
That have *looks at you* theiw awms out of the E-Empwess' ^w^ chest. 

Entew TAMOWA awonye, to the Moow 

TAMOWA. My wovewy Aawon, whewefowe wook'st thou sad 
When evewything does make a-a gweefuw boast? 
The biwds chant mewody on evewy bush; 
The s-snyakes >w< wie w-wowwed in the cheewfuw sun; 
The gween weaves quivew with the coowing wind 
And make a chequew'd s-shadow on the gwound; 
Undew theiw sweet shade, Aawon, wet u-us sit, 
And whiwe the babbwing echo mocks t-the hounds, 
Wepwying shwiwwy xDD to the weww-tun'd howns, 
As if a doubwe hunt wewe heawd at once, 
x3 Wet us sit *cuddles you* down *notices bulge* and mawk theiw yewwowing nyoise; 
And- aftew confwict s-such as *cuddles you* was suppos'd 
:33 The w-wand'wing pwince ^.^ and Dido once e-enjoyed, 
When with a happy stowm they wewe suwpwis'd, 
And cuwtain'd with a counsew-keeping cave- 
We may, each wweathed in the othew's awms, 
O-Ouw pastimes *notices bulge* donye, possess a gowden swumbew, 
Whiwes h-hounds and howns and sweet mewodious biwds 
*pokes you* Be unto us as *looks away* is a nyuwse's song 
Of w-wuwwaby to bwing hew babe a-asweep. 
AAWON. *screams* Madam, t-though Venyus govewn youw desiwes, 
Satuwn is dominyatow ovew minye. 
What signyifies my deadwy-standing eye, 
My siwence and my c-cwoudy mewanchowy, 
My fweece o-of woowwy haiw that nyow uncuwws 
Even as >_> an OwO addew when *leans over* she *leans over* doth unwoww 
To do some fataw execution? 
*sweats* Nyo, madam, xDD these awe nyo venyeweaw s-signs. 
Vengeance is in my heawt, >_> death in my hand, 
Bwood and wevenge awe hammewing in *teleports behind you* my head. 
H-Hawk, T-Tamowa, the empwess of my souw, 
Which nyevew hopes *leans over* mowe h-heaven than wests *cries* in thee- 
*looks away* This is the day of doom fow Bassianyus; 
His ^-^ Phiwomew must wose hew tongue *looks away* to-day, 
Thy sons make piwwage *sighs* of h-hew chastity, 
And wash theiw hands in Bassianyus' bwood. 
Seest thou this wettew? Take *pokes you* it up, I pway thee, 
And give the *notices bulge* King *blushes* this fataw-pwotted scwoww. 
Nyow q-question me nyo *looks at you* mowe; *shuffles closer* we awe espied. 
Hewe comes a-a pawcew of ouw hopefuw booty, 
*giggles shyly* Which dweads nyot yet t-theiw wives' d-destwuction. 

Entew *screams* BASSIANyUS and WAVINyIA 

TAMOWA. ^w^ Ah, my sweet Moow, sweetew to :3 me than wife! 
*hugs tightly* AAWON. Nyo mowe, gweat E-Empwess: Bassianyus comes. 
Be cwoss with h-him; and I'ww go fetch thy *hugs tightly* sons 
T-To *twerks* back t-thy quawwews, whatsoe'ew they :3 be. Exit 
BASSIANyUS. Who have we hewe? ^w^ Wome's woyaw Empewess, 
Unfuwnyish'd o-of hew *looks away* weww-beseeming twoop? 
O-Ow is >_> it D-Dian, h-habited wike hew, 
Who hath abandonyed >_> hew howy *sighs* gwoves 
To *cries* see t-the g-genyewaw hunting in this fowest? 
TAMOWA. Saucy contwowwew o-of my pwivate steps! 
Had I the *sighs* pow'w t-that some say Dian h-had, 
Thy tempwes shouwd be pwanted pwesentwy 
*hugs tightly* With howns, ^.^ as *looks away* was Actaeon's; :33 and the hounds 
Shouwd dwive upon thy nyew-twansfowmed wimbs, 
Unmannyewwy intwudew as thou awt! 
WAVINyIA. Undew youw patience, gentwe Empewess, 
'-'Tis *blushes* thought you have a goodwy gift in hownying, 
And to be d-doubted that youw Moow and you 
Awe singwed fowth *sighs* to twy t-thy expewiments. 
Jove shiewd youw *hugs tightly* husband fwom his hounds to-day! 
'Tis pity they shouwd t-take him fow a s-stag. 
BASSIANyUS. B-Bewieve m-me, *hugs tightly* Queen, youw swawth Cimmewian 
Doth m-make youw honyouw o-of h-his >_< body's hue, 
S-Spotted, detested, and abominyabwe. 
Why awe you sequest'wed f-fwom aww youw twain, 
Dismounted *twerks* fwom youw snyow-white *shuffles closer* goodwy s-steed, 
And wand'wed hithew to an obscuwe pwot, 
Accompanyied but :33 with a-a bawbawous Moow, 
I-If fouw desiwe h-had *teleports behind you* nyot c-conducted you? 
WAVINyIA. And, being OwO intewcepted in youw spowt, 
Gweat weason that m-my nyobwe wowd be wated 
Fow *cries* saucinyess. I p-pway OwO you wet us hence, 
And wet hew joy h-hew waven-cowouwed wove; 
This vawwey *giggles shyly* fits the *screams* puwpose p-passing weww. 
BASSIANyUS. The King my bwothew UwU shaww have nyotice >w< of this. 
WAVINyIA. A-Ay, fow *hugs tightly* these s-swips *giggles shyly* have made him n-nyoted wong. 
Good king, t-to be so mightiwy abused! 
TAMOWA. Why, I have patience >_< to enduwe aww this. 

E-Entew CHIWON *cuddles you* and DEMETWIUS 

DEMETWIUS. How nyow, deaw soveweign, and ouw gwacious mothew! 
Why doth ^-^ youw Highnyess wook so pawe a-and wan? 
T-TAMOWA. Have I n-nyot weason, think you, to wook pawe? 
These *looks away* two h-have 'ticed me h-hithew >w< to this pwace. 
A bawwen detested vawe you see i-it is: 
The twees, though summew, yet fowwown and wean, 
Ovewcome with moss a-and bawefuw *shuffles closer* mistwetoe; 
Hewe nyevew shinyes the s-sun; hewe nyothing bweeds, 
Unwess the nyightwy oww x3 ow fataw w-waven. 
And when they show'd me this abhowwed pit, 
They *sighs* towd me, hewe, at dead time of t-the nyight, 
*moans* A thousand fiends, a thousand hissing snyakes, 
Ten thousand swewwing t-toads, as many uwchins, 
Wouwd make *cries* such OwO feawfuw and confused cwies 
As any mowtaw body heawing it 
S-Shouwd stwaight faww mad ow ewse die suddenwy. 
Nyo soonyew had they ^w^ towd this hewwish tawe 
*cries* But stwaight they towd me they wouwd *moans* bind m-me :3 hewe 
Unto t-the body of a dismaw yew, 
And weave me to t-this misewabwe *screams* death. 
And *cuddles you* then they caww'd me fouw aduwtewess, 
Wascivious G-Goth, and aww t-the bittewest tewms 
That e-evew e-eaw did heaw t-to such e-effect; 
And h-had you nyot by wondwous fowtunye come, 
This vengeance ^-^ on me had they executed. 
Wevenge it, as you wove youw mothew's wife, 
Ow be ye nyot hencefowth caww'd *looks at you* my chiwdwen. 
DEMETWIUS. This is a witnyess that I am thy son. 
[Stabs B-BASSIANyUS] 
CHIWON. :33 And >_> this fow me, stwuck home to show my s-stwength. 
[Awso stabs] 
WAVINyIA. Ay, come, S-Semiwamis- nyay, bawbawous Tamowa, 
Fow *giggles shyly* nyo n-nyame f-fits thy >_< nyatuwe but thy o-own! 
TAMOWA. Give me uWu the ponyiawd; you *blushes* shaww knyow, ^-^ my boys, 
Y-Youw *blushes* mothew's hand shaww wight ^.^ youw mothew's w-wwong. 
DEMETWIUS. Stay, m-madam, h-hewe is >w< mowe bewongs ^w^ to hew; 
Fiwst thwash the cown, then aftew buwn the stwaw. 
This minyion stood upon hew chastity, 
Upon hew nyuptiaw *sighs* vow, hew woyawty, 
And w-with that p-painted hope *blushes* bwaves youw mightinyess; 
And shaww she cawwy t-this unto hew gwave? 
CHIWON. ^w^ An if she *cuddles you* do, I wouwd I wewe an eunyuch. 
Dwag hence hew husband to some secwet *looks at you* howe, 
And make his *leans over* dead twunk *moans* piwwow to ^-^ ouw wust. 
*cuddles you* TAMOWA. But when ye have :3 the honyey we desiwe, 
Wet nyot this w-wasp *looks at you* outwive, us both to sting. 
CHIWON. I wawwant you, madam, we ^w^ wiww make that suwe. 
Come, *notices bulge* mistwess, nyow pewfowce ^.^ we wiww *blushes* enjoy 
*screams* That nyice-pwesewved honyesty of youws. 
WAVINyIA. O *sighs* Tamowa! thou beawest a woman's face- 
TAMOWA. I wiww nyot *leans over* heaw hew speak; away w-with hew! 
WAVINyIA. Sweet wowds, entweat hew heaw me but *pokes you* a w-wowd. 
DEMETWIUS. Wisten, faiw madam: wet it *teleports behind you* be youw gwowy 
To ^.^ see hew teaws; but be youw heawt t-to t-them 
As unwewenting fwint to dwops UwU of w-wain. 
>w< WAVINyIA. When did the *pokes you* tigew's young onyes *sweats* teach the dam? 
O-O, do n-nyot weawn hew wwath- s-she uWu taught *sweats* it thee; 
The miwk thou s-suck'dst *shuffles closer* fwom hew did tuwn >w< to OwO mawbwe, 
E-Even a-at thy teat thou hadst thy tywanny. 
*shuffles closer* Yet evewy mothew bweeds nyot sons awike: 
*looks away* [To *sweats* CHIWON] *shuffles closer* Do ;;w;; thou *cuddles you* entweat *looks at you* hew *moans* show a woman's pity. 
CHIWON. What, *sweats* wouwdst thou have me pwove mysewf a bastawd? 
WAVINyIA. '-'Tis twue, the waven doth n-nyot hatch a wawk. 
OwO Yet have *twerks* I heawd- O, couwd I find x3 it nyow!- 
The wion, mov'd with pity, did enduwe 
To have his pwincewy paws paw'd aww away. 
S-Some *hugs tightly* say that wavens f-fostew fowwown chiwdwen, 
T-The whiwst theiw own biwds famish *sweats* in theiw nyests; 
O, be to me, though thy hawd heawt say nyo, 
Nyothing so kind, but *screams* something pitifuw! 
TAMOWA. I knyow n-nyot what i-it >w< means; away *sighs* with h-hew! 
WAVINyIA. O, wet me teach *shuffles closer* thee! Fow my f-fathew's sake, 
That *teleports behind you* gave thee wife when w-weww *twerks* he might have swain t-thee, 
B-Be n-nyot obduwate, *cuddles you* open thy deaf eaws. 
TAMOWA. *teleports behind you* Hadst thou in p-pewson nye'ew *sweats* offended me, 
Even fow his sake am I-I pitiwess. 
Wemembew, boys, I pouw'd f-fowth teaws in vain 
To save youw bwothew fwom the *blushes* sacwifice; 
But fiewce >_> Andwonyicus wouwd nyot wewent. 
Thewefowe away with *shuffles closer* hew, and u-use hew OwO as you wiww; 
*cries* The wowse to *sighs* hew the bettew :3 wov'd of me. 
WAVINyIA. O Tamowa, >_< be caww'd a gentwe queen, 
And with thinye own hands kiww me in this p-pwace! 
Fow *teleports behind you* 'tis nyot wife that *looks away* I have begg'd so w-wong; 
Poow I w-was swain when Bassianyus died. 
T-TAMOWA. W-What beg'st thou, then? F-Fond UwU woman, *hugs tightly* wet me go. 
WAVINyIA. 'Tis pwesent d-death I beg; and onye thing mowe, 
That womanhood denyies my tongue to teww: 
O, keep me fwom theiw wowse than kiwwing wust, 
And tumbwe me i-into some woathsome *teleports behind you* pit, 
Whewe nyevew UwU man's >_< eye m-may behowd x3 my body; 
Do this, and be a chawitabwe muwdewew. 
T-TAMOWA. S-So shouwd *giggles shyly* I wob my sweet sons of theiw f-fee; 
Nyo, wet them satisfy theiw w-wust on thee. 
^w^ DEMETWIUS. Away! ^.^ fow thou hast stay'd us hewe too wong. 
WAVINyIA. Nyo g-gwace? nyo womanhood? Ah, beastwy cweatuwe, 
*looks away* The xDD bwot and enyemy to ouw genyewaw nyame! 
C-Confusion faww- 
^-^ CHIWON. Nyay, then I'ww stop youw mouth. Bwing thou hew husband. 
This is the h-howe whewe A-Aawon *blushes* bid us hide him. 

D-DEMETWIUS thwows the body 
of BASSIANyUS into the pit; then exeunt 
DEMETWIUS and CHIWON, *sweats* dwagging o-off *giggles shyly* WAVINyIA 

TAMOWA. Faweweww, my sons; see that you make OwO hew *screams* suwe. 
Nye'ew wet my heawt knyow mewwy cheew indeed 
Tiww aww the Andwonyici be made away. 
Nyow *teleports behind you* wiww I hence to seek my wovewy Moow, 
And w-wet my s-spweenfuw sons this UwU twuww defwowew. E-Exit 

We-entew AAWON, with two 
of TITUS' s-sons, QUINTUS and MAWTIUS 

*screams* AAWON. *teleports behind you* Come on, my wowds, the bettew foot befowe; 
Stwaight wiww I bwing *sweats* you to the woathsome p-pit 
Whewe I espied the panthew fast asweep. 
QUINTUS. My s-sight *twerks* is vewy duww, whate'ew :33 it bodes. 
MAWTIUS. And minye, I pwomise you; wewe it *moans* nyot *sighs* fow shame, 
W-Weww couwd I *sweats* weave ouw spowt to sweep awhiwe. 
[Fawws into the pit] 
QUINTUS. What, a-awt *moans* thou *looks away* fawwen? What subtwe howe is *cuddles you* this, 
Whose mouth is covewed with wude-gwowing bwiews, 
Upon whose weaves awe dwops of ^-^ nyew-shed bwood 
*cries* As fwesh as mownying d-dew distiww'd on f-fwowews? 
A vewy fataw *teleports behind you* pwace it seems to me. 
Speak, bwothew, hast *sighs* thou huwt thee with t-the *leans over* faww? 
MAWTIUS. O bwothew, with the dismaw'st object >_< huwt 
That evew eye with sight made heawt wament! 
AAWON. [Aside] Nyow wiww I fetch the King to find t-them hewe, 
That he theweby may have a wikewy g-guess 
How these w-wewe they that m-made a-away his bwothew. Exit 
MAWTIUS. Why dost x3 nyot comfowt me, and hewp m-me out 
Fwom this unhawwow'd a-and b-bwood-stainyed howe? 
QUINTUS. I am suwpwised with an uncouth feaw; 
A chiwwing sweat x3 o'ew-wuns *screams* my twembwing joints; 
M-My h-heawt suspects mowe than minye e-eye can see. 
M-MAWTIUS. To *cuddles you* pwove t-thou hast a ;;w;; twue *notices bulge* divinying h-heawt, 
Aawon and thou wook down i-into this d-den, 
And see a :3 feawfuw sight of bwood and death. 
QUINTUS. Aawon is gonye, and my compassionyate heawt 
W-Wiww n-nyot pewmit minye eyes *cuddles you* once to *cries* behowd 
The thing wheweat it twembwes by suwmise; 
O-O, OwO teww me *shuffles closer* who it *screams* is, fow *twerks* nye'ew tiww nyow 
Was I a chiwd to feaw I knyow n-nyot w-what. 
M-MAWTIUS. Wowd B-Bassianyus w-wies beway'd in bwood, 
Aww on a heap, wike to a s-swaughtewed UwU wamb, 
In t-this detested, dawk, bwood-dwinking uWu pit. 
QUINTUS. If it be dawk, how >w< dost thou knyow 'tis h-he? 
MAWTIUS. Upon his bwoody fingew he doth weaw 
A pwecious wing that wightens aww this howe, 
Which, wike *leans over* a tapew in some m-monyument, 
Doth shinye upon the dead man's ^.^ eawthy c-cheeks, 
And shows the *sweats* wagged *cries* entwaiws of ^-^ this p-pit; 
So pawe did shinye *pokes you* the moon on Pywamus 
When he by nyight way bath'd in m-maiden b-bwood. 
O bwothew, hewp xDD me with thy fainting h-hand- 
I-If feaw hath m-made thee faint, as *blushes* me *blushes* it hath- 
Out of this feww *giggles shyly* devouwing weceptacwe, 
A-As hatefuw as *hugs tightly* Cocytus' m-misty mouth. 
Q-QUINTUS. Weach me thy h-hand, that I may hewp thee out, 
Ow, wanting stwength to do thee so much *looks away* good, 
I may be pwuck'd into the swawwowing womb 
O-Of this deep pit, poow Bassianyus' g-gwave. 
I have nyo stwength to p-pwuck thee t-to the bwink. 
MAWTIUS. Nyow xDD I nyo *cries* stwength to cwimb without thy *blushes* hewp. 
QUINTUS. Thy hand once mowe; I-I wiww nyot w-woose a-again, 
T-Tiww thou awt hewe awoft, ow I b-bewow. 
Thou canst nyot come *moans* to me- I come to thee. [Fawws in] 

Entew *notices bulge* the EMPEWOW *shuffles closer* and OwO AAWON the M-Moow 

SATUWNyINyUS. Awong w-with me! I'ww s-see what howe is hewe, 
*moans* And what he i-is that xDD nyow *pokes you* is weapt into i-it. 
Say, xDD who UwU awt thou that watewy didst >_> descend 
Into this gaping howwow of the *looks away* eawth? 
MAWTIUS. T-The *giggles shyly* unhappy sons o-of owd Andwonyicus, 
Bwought hithew i-in a most u-unwucky houw, 
*pokes you* To find thy *sweats* bwothew Bassianyus dead. 
SATUWNyINyUS. My bwothew dead! I knyow thou dost but *looks away* jest: 
He *giggles shyly* and his wady both awe at the w-wodge 
Upon the nyowth side of this OwO pweasant chase; 
*cries* 'Tis nyot *giggles shyly* an UwU houw since I *looks at you* weft them t-thewe. 
:33 MAWTIUS. We *screams* knyow nyot whewe you weft them aww awive; 
But, *looks away* out *cries* awas! hewe h-have we found h-him dead. 

We-entew TAMOWA, uWu with 
attendants; T-TITUS ANDWONyICUS *sighs* and Wucius 

TAMOWA. Whewe is my wowd the King? 
SATUWNyINyUS. Hewe, Tamowa; though gwiev'd with kiwwing gwief. 
TAMOWA. Whewe is thy bwothew Bassianyus? 
SATUWNyINyUS. N-Nyow to t-the bottom dost thou seawch my wound; 
Poow B-Bassianyus hewe wies muwdewed. 
TAMOWA. Then aww too wate I bwing this fataw wwit, 
*looks away* The compwot *leans over* of this timewess twagedy; 
And wondew gweatwy that man's f-face can fowd 
In pweasing *notices bulge* smiwes such muwdewous tywanny. 
[She giveth SATUWNyINyE a wettew] 
SATUWNyINyUS. uWu [Weads] 'An if we miss *sweats* to meet him handsomewy, 
S-Sweet huntsman- Bassianyus 'tis we mean- 
Do ;;w;; thou so much as dig the g-gwave f-fow him. 
^-^ Thou k-knyow'st o-ouw meanying. W-Wook fow thy OwO wewawd 
*twerks* Among the *hugs tightly* nyettwes a-at the e-ewdew-twee 
Which ovewshades t-the >_< mouth of t-that s-same *looks at you* pit 
*moans* Whewe we *pokes you* decweed to buwy Bassianyus. 
*sighs* Do >_> this, and puwchase us thy wasting fwiends.' 
O *giggles shyly* Tamowa! was evew heawd t-the wike? 
This i-is the pit and this the ewdew-twee. 
*notices bulge* Wook, siws, if you can *screams* find the huntsman out 
*looks at you* That s-shouwd have muwdewed uWu Bassianyus *blushes* hewe. 
xDD AAWON. My gwacious wowd, hewe *cuddles you* is t-the bag of gowd. 
SATUWNyINyUS. [To *moans* TITUS] Two of thy whewps, feww cuws of bwoody 
kind, 
Have hewe b-beweft my bwothew o-of his wife. 
Siws, dwag them fwom the pit unto the pwison; 
Thewe wet them bide untiw *screams* we have devis'd 
Some nyevew-heawd-of towtuwing pain fow them. 
TAMOWA. *looks at you* What, awe they in *sighs* this pit? O wondwous t-thing! 
How easiwy >_> muwdew is discovewed! 
TITUS. High Empewow, upon my feebwe knyee 
I beg t-this *giggles shyly* boon, with teaws nyot OwO wightwy shed, 
That this feww fauwt of my accuwsed uWu sons- 
Accuwsed UwU if the fauwt *blushes* be pwov'd in them- 
SATUWNyINyUS. If it b-be p-pwov'd! *looks away* You see it is appawent. 
Who UwU found this wettew? Tamowa, was it *sweats* you? 
TAMOWA. Andwonyicus himsewf did take it up. 
TITUS. I *sighs* did, my wowd, *twerks* yet wet >_> me b-be theiw b-baiw; 
Fow, b-by my fathews' wevewend tomb, I vow 
They s-shaww be weady at youw ;;w;; Highnyess' wiww 
To answew theiw suspicion with theiw wives. 
S-SATUWNyINyUS. Thou shawt nyot :33 baiw them; s-see thou fowwow me. 
Some bwing the muwdewed ^-^ body, some the muwdewews; 
Wet them >_< nyot speak a wowd- the g-guiwt i-is *blushes* pwain; 
F-Fow, by my *blushes* souw, wewe thewe wowse end *giggles shyly* than death, 
That end upon *sweats* them shouwd be executed. 
TAMOWA. Andwonyicus, I wiww entweat the King. 
Feaw nyot thy sons; they shaww do weww enyough. 
TITUS. Come, Wucius, come; stay n-nyot to tawk with them. Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Anyothew pawt of the fowest 

Entew the Empwess' sons, DEMETWIUS and CHIWON, with WAVINyIA, 
hew hands ^.^ cut *cuddles you* off, and hew tongue c-cut out, and w-wavish'd 

DEMETWIUS. So, nyow go *sweats* teww, an if thy tongue can speak, 
*shuffles closer* Who '-'twas that cut thy tongue *leans over* and wavish'd thee. 
CHIWON. W-Wwite ^-^ down thy mind, b-bewway *cuddles you* thy meanying so, 
An if thy stumps :3 wiww wet thee pway the scwibe. 
D-DEMETWIUS. See *screams* how with signs and tokens ;;w;; she can ^.^ scwoww. 
CHIWON. Go home, caww fow sweet *giggles shyly* watew, wash thy h-hands. 
*sighs* DEMETWIUS. *blushes* She hath nyo tongue t-to *sighs* caww, nyow hands to *giggles shyly* wash; 
*blushes* And so wet's weave hew to *teleports behind you* hew *looks at you* siwent w-wawks. 
CHIWON. *sweats* An '-'twewe my cause, I shouwd *looks away* go hang mysewf. 
DEMETWIUS. If t-thou hadst hands to hewp thee *leans over* knyit the cowd. 
Exeunt DEMETWIUS a-and CHIWON 

Wind howns. Entew MAWCUS, fwom hunting 

MAWCUS. Who is this?- my nyiece, *cries* that fwies away s-so fast? 
Cousin, *moans* a wowd: whewe i-is y-youw x3 husband? 
I-If I do dweam, wouwd a-aww my weawth wouwd uWu wake me! 
If I do wake, some pwanyet stwike me d-down, 
That I may swumbew an etewnyaw sweep! 
S-Speak, gentwe nyiece. What stewn ungentwe h-hands 
*teleports behind you* Hath wopp'd, and hew'd, and made thy body bawe 
Of hew *hugs tightly* two bwanches- those s-sweet ownyaments 
Whose ciwcwing shadows kings have *looks away* sought to sweep i-in, 
A-And m-might nyot gain so gweat a happinyess 
As hawf thy wove? Why d-dost nyot speak t-to me? 
Awas, a cwimson wivew of wawm bwood, 
Wike *shuffles closer* to a bubbwing fountain stiww'd w-with w-wind, 
D-Doth wise and >w< faww b-between thy wosed wips, 
Coming and *cuddles you* going with thy honyey bweath. 
But suwe some Teweus h-hath defwowewed thee, 
;;w;; And, west thou shouwdst d-detect him, cut thy xDD tongue. 
Ah, nyow thou t-tuwn'st a-away thy face fow shame! 
And n-nyotwithstanding aww t-this woss *hugs tightly* of bwood- 
As fwom a-a conduit with thwee issuing spouts- 
Yet do t-thy cheeks w-wook wed ^-^ as *sweats* Titan's face 
Bwushing *shuffles closer* to be encount'wed with a cwoud. 
Shaww I-I speak fow thee? *cuddles you* Shaww I say 'tis *twerks* so? 
O, that I-I knyew thy heawt, and knyew the beast, 
That I m-might waiw at him :33 to >_< ease m-my mind! 
Sowwow conceawed, wike an oven ^w^ stopp'd, 
Doth buwn the heawt to >_< cindews whewe it is. 
Faiw Phiwomew, >_< why she but *shuffles closer* wost hew uWu tongue, 
And *looks at you* in a-a tedious sampwew sew'd hew mind; 
But, wovewy UwU nyiece, t-that mean is cut fwom t-thee. 
A c-cwaftiew *cuddles you* Teweus, cousin, hast thou met, 
And h-he h-hath cut those UwU pwetty fingews off 
That c-couwd have ^-^ bettew sew'd than ^-^ Phiwomew. 
O, had the monstew seen *blushes* those wiwy hands 
T-Twembwe wike >_> aspen weaves upon a-a w-wute 
And make the siwken stwings dewight to kiss them, 
He wouwd nyot then have touch'd them fow his wife! 
Ow h-had he >w< heawd the heavenwy hawmony 
Which that sweet tongue hath made, 
He wouwd have dwopp'd his knyife, >_< and feww asweep, 
As *cries* Cewbewus at the Thwacian ^.^ poet's feet. 
>_< Come, wet *giggles shyly* us go, a-and make thy fathew bwind, 
*looks at you* Fow s-such *screams* a sight wiww bwind a fathew's eye; 
Onye houw's stowm wiww >w< dwown *shuffles closer* the fwagwant ^-^ meads, 
What *twerks* wiww x3 whowe months of teaws t-thy fathew's eyes? 
Do nyot dwaw ;;w;; back, fow *pokes you* we wiww mouwn w-with thee; 
O, couwd ouw mouwnying case *sighs* thy misewy! Exeunt 




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ACT III. SCENyE I-I. 
Wome. uWu A stweet 

Entew the JUDGES, TWIBUNyES, and SENyATOWS, with TITUS' two sons 
MAWTIUS and Q-QUINTUS bound, passing on the stage to the p-pwace of execution, 
and TITUS going befowe, pweading 

TITUS. H-Heaw me, gwave f-fathews; nyobwe Twibunyes, s-stay! 
Fow pity of minye age, whose youth was s-spent 
In dangewous waws whiwst you secuwewy *looks away* swept; 
Fow *giggles shyly* aww my b-bwood in Wome's *teleports behind you* gweat quawwew shed, 
Fow aww the fwosty *giggles shyly* nyights ;;w;; that I have watch'd, 
A-And x3 fow t-these bittew teaws, which nyow you see 
Fiwwing the aged wwinkwes in my cheeks, 
x3 Be pitifuw to my condemnyed sons, 
*twerks* Whose souws awe n-nyot cowwupted as '-'tis t-thought. 
Fow two and twenty sons I nyevew wept, 
Because they died *cuddles you* in honyouw's wofty bed. 
[ANDWONyICUS wieth down, and the judges 
p-pass by him with the pwisonyews, and exeunt] 
OwO Fow *shuffles closer* these, Twibunyes, in *sweats* the *sighs* dust *hugs tightly* I wwite 
My heawt's x3 deep wanguow and my s-souw's s-sad *sighs* teaws. 
Wet my teaws stanch the eawth's dwy appetite; 
My sons' sweet bwood wiww make it shame a-and bwush. 
O eawth, I *giggles shyly* wiww befwiend *moans* thee mowe with wain 
That shaww distiw fwom these two :3 ancient u-uwns, 
Than youthfuw *twerks* Apwiw shaww with aww his show'ws. 
In summew's dwought I'ww d-dwop upon thee stiww; 
In *looks away* wintew with wawm teaws I'ww mewt the snyow 
And keep etewnyaw spwing-time on thy face, 
>_< So t-thou w-wefuse to dwink my deaw sons' bwood. 

Entew Wucius with his weapon dwawn 

O-O wevewend >_> Twibunyes! O gentwe aged men! 
Unbind my sons, wevewse >_< the doom of death, 
And wet me say, that nyevew wept befowe, 
M-My teaws a-awe >_> nyow pwevaiwing owatows. 
WUCIUS. O nyobwe fathew, you wament in v-vain; 
The Twibunyes heaw you nyot, nyo man is >w< by, 
And you wecount youw sowwows to a stonye. 
*giggles shyly* TITUS. Ah, Wucius, fow thy bwothews wet me pwead! 
Gwave *shuffles closer* Twibunyes, once m-mowe I-I entweat of you. 
*giggles shyly* WUCIUS. My gwacious wowd, nyo twibunye h-heaws y-you speak. 
*blushes* TITUS. Why, 'tis *moans* nyo mattew, man: if they did heaw, 
They wouwd nyot mawk *looks at you* me; if they did mawk, 
T-They wouwd >_> nyot pity me; yet *cuddles you* pwead I must, 
And b-bootwess ^.^ unto :33 them. 
Thewefowe *blushes* I teww m-my sowwows to the stonyes; 
Who though they cannyot answew my distwess, 
Y-Yet in some sowt they *screams* awe bettew than the Twibunyes, 
Fow :3 that *blushes* they wiww nyot intewcept my tawe. 
When I do weep, they humbwy at my feet 
:33 Weceive *leans over* my teaws, a-and seem to *notices bulge* weep with *cuddles you* me; 
And wewe they but attiwed in *cries* gwave weeds, 
Wome couwd :3 affowd nyo twibunyes wike to these. 
>_> A stonye *sweats* is *notices bulge* soft as wax: twibunyes mowe h-hawd t-than stonyes. 
A stonye *teleports behind you* is x3 siwent and *looks away* offendeth nyot, 
And twibunyes with theiw tongues d-doom *moans* men t-to *looks away* death. 
*hugs tightly* [Wises] 
*pokes you* But whewefowe stand'st thou with *teleports behind you* thy weapon dwawn? 
WUCIUS. To wescue my two b-bwothews fwom *moans* theiw death; 
Fow which attempt t-the j-judges >w< have pwonyounc'd 
My evewwasting doom of banyishment. 
TITUS. OwO O happy *shuffles closer* man! they have befwiended thee. 
Why, *moans* foowish Wucius, dost thou nyot pewceive 
That Wome i-is but UwU a wiwdewnyess o-of :33 tigews? 
Tigews m-must pwey, and Wome a-affowds *sweats* nyo pwey 
But me and m-minye; how happy awt *looks at you* thou then 
*hugs tightly* Fwom *blushes* these devouwews to be banyished! 
But who comes w-with *giggles shyly* ouw b-bwothew M-Mawcus hewe? 

Entew MAWCUS w-with ^.^ WAVINyIA 

MAWCUS. Titus, pwepawe thy aged eyes to w-weep, 
^-^ Ow if nyot so, thy n-nyobwe heawt to bweak. 
*screams* I bwing consuming sowwow to *blushes* thinye *giggles shyly* age. 
T-TITUS. Wiww it OwO consume me? W-Wet me see it t-then. 
MAWCUS. This was thy daughtew. 
>_> TITUS. Why, Mawcus, s-so she is. 
WUCIUS. Ay me! this object k-kiwws me. 
TITUS. F-Faint-heawted boy, awise, *giggles shyly* and wook upon hew. 
S-Speak, Wavinyia, what accuwsed hand 
Hath m-made thee *hugs tightly* handwess in thy fathew's sight? 
What *moans* foow hath added w-watew to the *moans* sea, 
Ow b-bwought *cries* a fagot to bwight-buwnying Twoy? 
My gwief was at the height befowe thou >w< cam'st, 
And nyow wike Nyiwus it disdainyeth bounds. 
Give me a swowd, I'ww chop off *cuddles you* my *cuddles you* hands *sighs* too, 
Fow they have fought fow W-Wome, and aww in vain; 
And t-they have *twerks* nyuws'd t-this woe in feeding wife; 
In bootwess pwayew h-have they been hewd up, 
And they have >w< sewv'd me t-to *shuffles closer* effectwess use. 
Nyow aww the sewvice I-I wequiwe *cuddles you* of them 
Is that the onye wiww hewp to cut the othew. 
'Tis ^w^ weww, ;;w;; Wavinyia, that thou hast nyo hands; 
*notices bulge* Fow *teleports behind you* hands to do W-Wome sewvice is b-but vain. 
WUCIUS. Speak, gentwe *blushes* sistew, who hath mawtyw'd thee? 
*sweats* MAWCUS. O, >_> that dewightfuw e-enginye of hew thoughts 
That bwabb'd them with such ^-^ pweasing ewoquence 
Is town OwO fwom xDD fowth that pwetty howwow cage, 
Whewe wike a sweet mewodious biwd :33 it sung 
Sweet vawied *sighs* nyotes, enchanting evewy *looks at you* eaw! 
^w^ WUCIUS. *pokes you* O, say thou *looks away* fow hew, who hath d-donye this deed? 
MAWCUS. O, thus I found *sighs* hew stwaying in the pawk, 
Seeking to h-hide hewsewf as d-doth the deew 
That UwU hath weceiv'd some unwecuwing wound. 
TITUS. ;;w;; It was m-my deaw, and he that wounded hew 
Hath ^w^ huwt me mowe *leans over* than had he kiww'd me dead; 
Fow nyow I stand as onye upon a *sighs* wock, 
Enviwon'd with a w-wiwdewnyess o-of sea, 
Who mawks the waxing tide gwow wave by w-wave, 
Expecting evew when some envious suwge 
Wiww in *notices bulge* his bwinyish bowews >_> swawwow *screams* him. 
This way *cries* to death my wwetched sons awe gonye; 
Hewe stands my othew son, a-a banyish'd m-man, 
And hewe my bwothew, weeping at my w-woes. 
But >_> that w-which >w< gives my souw the g-gweatest spuwn 
^.^ Is deaw Wavinyia, deawew than my souw. 
Had I but seen t-thy pictuwe in this pwight, 
It wouwd *moans* have madded *cries* me; what shaww I do 
xDD Nyow I behowd thy wivewy b-body so? 
Thou hast *twerks* nyo *notices bulge* hands to wipe >_< away thy teaws, 
Nyow tongue ;;w;; to teww me who h-hath mawtyw'd thee; 
^-^ Thy husband ;;w;; he is dead, and fow his d-death 
Thy bwothews awe condemn'd, a-and dead by t-this. 
Wook, Mawcus! Ah, *moans* son Wucius, wook on hew! 
W-When I did nyame hew bwothews, then fwesh teaws 
Stood on hew cheeks, *leans over* as d-doth the honyey dew 
Upon a gath'wed wiwy a-awmost withewed. 
MAWCUS. Pewchance she weeps because they *cries* kiww'd hew husband; 
*teleports behind you* Pewchance because she knyows them i-innyocent. 
TITUS. If they d-did *screams* kiww thy husband, then be joyfuw, 
Because the >_> waw hath ta'en *sweats* wevenge on ^w^ them. 
Nyo, n-nyo, they wouwd ^-^ nyot xDD do s-so fouw a deed; 
Witnyess the sowwow that theiw sistew makes. 
Gentwe Wavinyia, *screams* wet m-me kiss thy wips, 
O-Ow make some sign how I may do thee ease. 
Shaww thy good uncwe a-and x3 thy bwothew Wucius 
And t-thou *hugs tightly* and I sit wound *sighs* about xDD some fountain, 
Wooking aww downwawds to behowd ouw cheeks 
How t-they *sighs* awe *cuddles you* stain'd, wike *looks away* meadows yet nyot dwy 
With miwy swime weft on them by a fwood? 
And in the fountain s-shaww we gaze so wong, 
*moans* Tiww *notices bulge* the f-fwesh t-taste be taken fwom *giggles shyly* that cweawnyess, 
And made UwU a bwinye-pit with o-ouw bittew teaws? 
Ow shaww we *twerks* cut away ouw hands wike t-thinye? 
Ow shaww we bite ouw ^-^ tongues, and :33 in ^-^ dumb shows 
Pass the wemaindew *notices bulge* of ouw h-hatefuw days? 
What shaww we *looks away* do? *cries* Wet us that have ouw tongues 
Pwot some device of *moans* fuwthew misewy 
To m-make us wondew'd at in time to come. 
W-WUCIUS. Sweet fathew, c-cease youw teaws; fow at youw g-gwief 
See :3 how my wwetched sistew sobs and *notices bulge* weeps. 
MAWCUS. Patience, deaw ^-^ nyiece. Good Titus, dwy >w< thinye eyes. 
TITUS. Ah, Mawcus, Mawcus! Bwothew, weww I w-wot 
Thy nyapkin cannyot dwink a teaw of minye, 
>w< Fow t-thou, poow man, hast d-dwown'd it with thinye own. 
WUCIUS. Ah, *cries* my Wavinyia, I wiww wipe t-thy cheeks. 
TITUS. Mawk, Mawcus, xDD mawk! I u-undewstand hew signs. 
H-Had *looks at you* she a t-tongue to *looks at you* speak, nyow wouwd she say 
That to hew bwothew which I-I said to thee: 
His nyapkin, *moans* with his *looks away* twue teaws ;;w;; aww bewet, 
Can do nyo UwU sewvice on hew sowwowfuw cheeks. 
O, what a sympathy of ^w^ woe i-is this 
As faw fwom hewp as Wimbo is fwom bwiss! 

Entew AAWON the Moow 

AAWON. Titus *looks at you* Andwonyicus, my >_< wowd the Empewow 
Sends thee this w-wowd, that, if thou wove thy sons, 
Wet Mawcus, Wucius, ow thysewf, owd Titus, 
*hugs tightly* Ow any onye of you, chop off youw h-hand 
And send it to the King: *hugs tightly* he fow t-the same 
Wiww send thee hithew both thy s-sons awive, 
And that shaww be the wansom f-fow theiw f-fauwt. 
*twerks* TITUS. O gwacious Empewow! O g-gentwe Aawon! 
>_< Did evew waven sing so *twerks* wike a wawk 
T-That gives sweet tidings of the s-sun's upwise? 
With aww my heawt I'ww send *giggles shyly* the Empewow my h-hand. 
Good A-Aawon, wiwt thou hewp to chop >w< it o-off? 
WUCIUS. Stay, fathew! fow that nyobwe hand of thinye, 
That hath t-thwown down s-so many *looks at you* enyemies, 
Shaww nyot *shuffles closer* be sent. My h-hand wiww sewve the tuwn, 
:33 My youth *moans* can bettew spawe *pokes you* my b-bwood than >w< you, 
And t-thewefowe minye shaww save my bwothews' wives. 
MAWCUS. Which *cuddles you* of OwO youw hands hath nyot defended Wome 
And weaw'd awoft the bwoody b-battwe-axe, 
Wwiting x3 destwuction o-on the enyemy's c-castwe? 
*moans* O, nyonye of both but awe of high *teleports behind you* desewt! 
My x3 hand hath *teleports behind you* been b-but i-idwe; wet it sewve 
To *teleports behind you* wansom my >_> two nyephews fwom theiw death; 
Then have I ^.^ kept i-it to a wowthy ;;w;; end. 
AAWON. xDD Nyay, come, a-agwee whose hand shaww go awong, 
Fow x3 feaw *teleports behind you* they die befowe *notices bulge* theiw pawdon >_> come. 
MAWCUS. My hand shaww go. 
WUCIUS. :3 By heaven, it shaww nyot go! 
TITUS. Siws, stwive nyo *cuddles you* mowe; such *notices bulge* with'wed hewbs a-as these 
Awe meet fow *shuffles closer* pwucking up, and thewefowe minye. 
WUCIUS. Sweet fathew, if I shaww be thought ^.^ thy son, 
Wet *pokes you* me wedeem my bwothews both f-fwom death. 
MAWCUS. And fow ouw f-fathew's sake and mothew's cawe, 
Nyow wet me show *moans* a bwothew's wove to thee. 
:33 TITUS. Agwee between you; :3 I *cries* wiww spawe my *leans over* hand. 
W-WUCIUS. Then I'ww go f-fetch an axe. 
MAWCUS. B-But I-I wiww use the a-axe. 
Exeunt WUCIUS and MAWCUS 
TITUS. C-Come hithew, Aawon, I'ww deceive them b-both; 
Wend m-me thy hand, and I wiww give thee minye. 
*moans* AAWON. [Aside] OwO If *shuffles closer* that be caww'd deceit, *twerks* I wiww be h-honyest, 
And nyevew w-whiwst I *teleports behind you* wive deceive men *sighs* so; 
But I'ww x3 deceive you *looks away* in anyothew sowt, 
A-And t-that you'ww *sighs* say ewe hawf an houw pass. 
*sweats* [He cuts UwU off TITUS' hand] 

*cuddles you* We-entew WUCIUS a-and MAWCUS 

TITUS. Nyow stay youw stwife. What shaww be is dispatch'd. 
Good Aawon, give his M-Majesty my hand; 
Teww him it was a hand that wawded him 
Fwom thousand *pokes you* dangews; bid him buwy it. 
*moans* Mowe hath it mewited- that wet i-it have. 
As fow m-my sons, s-say I account of them 
*teleports behind you* As jewews puwchas'd at an e-easy pwice; 
*notices bulge* And yet d-deaw t-too, b-because I bought m-minye own. 
AAWON. I go, A-Andwonyicus; and fow ^-^ thy hand 
uWu Wook by and *shuffles closer* by to have t-thy s-sons *twerks* with thee. 
[Aside] Theiw heads I m-mean. O, how this viwwainy 
Doth *giggles shyly* fat me with t-the *leans over* vewy thoughts of it! 
Wet foows do g-good, and f-faiw men caww *notices bulge* fow gwace: 
Aawon wiww have h-his souw bwack wike *pokes you* his face. Exit 
TITUS. O, hewe I wift this onye hand u-up to heaven, 
And bow this f-feebwe wuin to the eawth; 
If x3 any UwU powew p-pities w-wwetched teaws, 
To that I *sweats* caww! [To WAVINyIA] What, wouwd'st thou knyeew with m-me? 
D-Do, then, deaw heawt; fow h-heaven shaww heaw ouw pwayews, 
Ow with ouw sighs we'ww bweathe t-the wewkin dim 
And stain *hugs tightly* the *looks away* sun w-with fog, as sometime cwouds 
When they do hug him in theiw mewting bosoms. 
MAWCUS. O bwothew, speak with possibiwity, 
And do nyot bweak into these deep extwemes. 
^w^ TITUS. Is xDD nyot my sowwow deep, having *hugs tightly* nyo bottom? 
Then *teleports behind you* be my passions bottomwess *pokes you* with them. 
MAWCUS. But yet wet weason govewn thy wament. 
TITUS. If thewe wewe ^-^ weason fow these misewies, 
Then into w-wimits couwd I-I bind x3 my *hugs tightly* woes. 
W-When h-heaven doth ^.^ weep, doth nyot the eawth o'ewfwow? 
If the :33 winds wage, doth >_> nyot the sea wax >_< mad, 
Thweat'nying the wewkin w-with *looks away* his big-swow'n face? 
And w-wiwt thou have a weason fow this c-coiw? 
I am the sea; hawk how hew >_< sighs do bwow. 
She i-is the weeping wewkin, xDD I the eawth; 
T-Then *shuffles closer* must *sighs* my sea be moved with hew sighs; 
Then must my eawth *notices bulge* with hew continyuaw *blushes* teaws 
Become a dewuge, o-ovewfwow'd and dwown'd; 
Fow why ^-^ my xDD bowews c-cannyot hide h-hew woes, 
But wike a-a d-dwunkawd must I vomit t-them. 
Then g-give m-me weave; OwO fow wosews wiww have w-weave 
T-To ease theiw stomachs with t-theiw *teleports behind you* bittew tongues. 

Entew a x3 MESSENGEW, *notices bulge* with two heads and a-a hand 

MESSENGEW. ^-^ Wowthy Andwonyicus, iww awt thou wepaid 
Fow that good ^-^ hand thou sent'st :33 the Empewow. 
Hewe awe the heads of thy two nyobwe sons; 
And hewe's thy hand, in scown >_< to t-thee sent back- 
Thy *teleports behind you* gwief theiw *leans over* spowts, thy wesowution mock'd, 
That woe is me to think upon :3 thy woes, 
Mowe t-than *leans over* wemembwance of m-my fathew's death. Exit 
MAWCUS. N-Nyow wet h-hot Aetnya coow in *teleports behind you* Siciwy, 
And be ^.^ my heawt an evew-buwnying heww! 
These OwO misewies awe mowe than may be *hugs tightly* bownye. 
To weep with them t-that w-weep doth ease s-some deaw, 
B-But *leans over* sowwow *looks away* fwouted at is >_> doubwe death. 
WUCIUS. Ah, that this sight shouwd make so deep *shuffles closer* a wound, 
And *sighs* yet detested w-wife nyot shwink theweat! 
T-That evew death shouwd wet wife beaw his nyame, 
Whewe wife hath nyo mowe intewest but to bweathe! 
[WAVINyIA k-kisses TITUS] 
M-MAWCUS. *notices bulge* Awas, >_< poow heawt, that kiss is *giggles shyly* comfowtwess 
As fwozen watew to a stawved *twerks* snyake. 
TITUS. When wiww this ^.^ feawfuw ^.^ swumbew have an end? 
MAWCUS. *sweats* Nyow faweweww, fwatt'wy; die, Andwonyicus. 
T-Thou dost nyot swumbew: see thy ^.^ two s-sons' heads, 
Thy wawwike hand, thy mangwed daughtew hewe; 
Thy othew banyish'd son with UwU this deaw sight 
Stwuck pawe and b-bwoodwess; and thy bwothew, I, 
Even wike a stony image, cowd and nyumb. 
*pokes you* Ah! nyow nyo mowe *shuffles closer* wiww I c-contwow thy gwiefs. 
Went off thy siwvew haiw, thy othew hand 
Gnyawing with t-thy teeth; and be this dismaw *twerks* sight 
The c-cwosing u-up o-of *blushes* ouw most wwetched eyes. 
Nyow is a time to s-stowm; why :3 awt thou stiww? 
TITUS. Ha, ha, ha! 
M-MAWCUS. Why dost thou waugh? :3 It fits n-nyot with *looks away* this houw. 
TITUS. *screams* Why, I have nyot anyothew *hugs tightly* teaw to shed; 
Besides, *teleports behind you* this sowwow i-is uWu an e-enyemy, 
A-And wouwd usuwp upon my wat'wy eyes 
And make them bwind with *looks at you* twibutawy teaws. 
Then xDD which w-way s-shaww I *hugs tightly* find Wevenge's cave? 
Fow these two heads do seem to speak to me, 
xDD And t-thweat *moans* me I shaww n-nyevew come to *giggles shyly* bwiss 
Tiww aww t-these mischiefs be wetuwn'd again 
Even in t-theiw ^.^ thwoats *moans* that have committed them. 
uWu Come, wet me see what task I have to d-do. 
*looks at you* You heavy p-peopwe, *cuddles you* ciwcwe me a-about, 
;;w;; That I may tuwn me t-to each onye of you 
And sweaw unto my *blushes* souw to wight youw wwongs. 
The vow is made. C-Come, bwothew, take a head, 
And in this hand the othew wiww I beaw. 
And, *moans* Wavinyia, thou s-shawt *twerks* be e-empwoy'd in t-this; 
Beaw thou m-my hand, sweet wench, b-between *moans* thy teeth. 
As fow thee, b-boy, go, g-get thee fwom my sight; 
Thou OwO awt an e-exiwe, and *cuddles you* thou must nyot stay. 
Hie *cuddles you* to the Goths and waise an awmy thewe; 
*hugs tightly* And *twerks* if y-ye w-wove me, as I think you *cuddles you* do, 
Wet's kiss and pawt, fow we *giggles shyly* have much to do. 
Exeunt a-aww but Wucius 
WUCIUS. F-Faweweww, Andwonyicus, my nyobwe fathew, 
The *twerks* woefuww'st man that evew w-wiv'd in Wome. 
Faweweww, pwoud Wome; tiww Wucius come *twerks* again, 
:33 He weaves his pwedges d-deawew t-than his wife. 
*shuffles closer* Faweweww, Wavinyia, my nyobwe sistew; 
O, wouwd t-thou w-wewt a-as thou tofowe hast been! 
But nyow n-nyow *twerks* Wucius n-nyow W-Wavinyia wives 
But in *looks away* obwivion and h-hatefuw gwiefs. 
If Wucius *looks away* wive, *moans* he wiww w-wequite youw wwongs 
And make pwoud Satuwnyinye a-and his empewess 
Beg UwU at uWu the gates wike Tawquin and his queen. 
Nyow *looks away* wiww I to the Goths, a-and waise a pow'w 
To b-be w-weveng'd on Wome and Satuwnyinye. Exit 




SCENyE II. 
Wome. TITUS' *giggles shyly* house 

A *pokes you* banquet. 

E-Entew TITUS, ;;w;; MAWCUS, WAVINyIA, and the boy YOUNG W-WUCIUS 

TITUS. So so, nyow ^.^ sit; >_> and wook :33 you eat nyo mowe 
Than wiww pwesewve just so *hugs tightly* much stwength in us 
As wiww wevenge these bittew woes of ouws. 
Mawcus, unknyit *screams* that sowwow-wweathen knyot; 
Thy *looks at you* nyiece and I, poow cweatuwes, *teleports behind you* want ouw h-hands, 
And cannyot passionyate ouw t-tenfowd g-gwief 
With fowded awms. This *sweats* poow w-wight hand of minye 
Is weft to tywannyize upon my bweast; 
Who, when my heawt, aww mad with misewy, 
Beats i-in this howwow pwison of my f-fwesh, 
*pokes you* Then thus I-I thump it d-down. 
[To WAVINyIA] Thou map of woe, that thus dost tawk in s-signs! 
When thy p-poow heawt *pokes you* beats *screams* with outwageous beating, 
Thou canst n-nyot stwike it thus to make it stiww. 
W-Wound it with s-sighing, giww, kiww it with g-gwoans; 
O-Ow get some wittwe knyife ^-^ between thy ^w^ teeth 
And j-just against thy h-heawt make thou a howe, 
That aww t-the t-teaws *moans* that thy poow eyes wet faww 
May UwU wun i-into that sink and, soaking in, 
Dwown the w-wamenting f-foow i-in s-sea-sawt teaws. 
MAWCUS. F-Fie, bwothew, OwO fie! T-Teach hew nyot thus to way 
Such v-viowent hands upon hew tendew wife. 
TITUS. How nyow! Has s-sowwow made thee dote awweady? 
Why, Mawcus, *moans* nyo man shouwd be mad but I. 
*sighs* What viowent hands can she way on hew wife? 
Ah, whewefowe *sighs* dost thou uwge the nyame of hands? 
To bid Aenyeas teww the tawe *teleports behind you* twice ^-^ o'ew 
H-How Twoy was buwnt and h-he made misewabwe? 
O, *sweats* handwe nyot the theme, to tawk >_< of *blushes* hands, 
West we wemembew UwU stiww that w-we *looks away* have nyonye. 
Fie, f-fie, how fwanticwy I squawe *screams* my tawk, 
As if we shouwd fowget we had nyo hands, 
If Mawcus did nyot nyame the *giggles shyly* wowd of *twerks* hands! 
*leans over* Come, wet's faww *shuffles closer* to; ^-^ and, gentwe *sighs* giww, eat this: 
Hewe is nyo dwink. Hawk, Mawcus, what she says- 
I can intewpwet aww *looks at you* hew mawtyw'd signs; 
She says she dwinks n-nyo othew dwink but teaws, 
Bwew'd with h-hew sowwow, mesh'd upon hew cheeks. 
S-Speechwess c-compwainyew, I wiww weawn thy thought; 
In t-thy dumb action wiww I *leans over* be as pewfect 
As begging hewmits in theiw OwO howy uWu pwayews. 
Thou shawt nyot sigh, nyow howd thy stumps to heaven, 
Nyow wink, *teleports behind you* nyow nyod, nyow knyeew, nyow make a sign, 
But I >_< of these w-wiww wwest an awphabet, 
And by s-stiww pwactice weawn to knyow thy meanying. 
BOY. Good gwandsiwe, weave these bittew deep waments; 
Make my a-aunt mewwy with some pweasing tawe. 
>_< MAWCUS. Awas, the tendew b-boy, in passion mov'd, 
Doth weep to see *notices bulge* his gwandsiwe's heavinyess. 
TITUS. ^.^ Peace, x3 tendew sapwing; thou awt made o-of t-teaws, 
And teaws *notices bulge* wiww quickwy mewt thy wife xDD away. 
[MAWCUS stwikes the dish w-with OwO a knyife] 
W-What dost *blushes* thou stwike at, Mawcus, with thy knyife? 
MAWCUS. At that that I have kiww'd, my wowd- a fwy. 
TITUS. Out on thee, muwdewew, thou kiww'st *screams* my heawt! 
Minye e-eyes awe cwoy'd with view of ^.^ tywanny; 
^w^ A d-deed of death donye *cuddles you* on the innyocent 
Becomes uWu nyot Titus' bwothew. G-Get thee gonye; 
I-I see thou awt :33 nyot fow my company. 
MAWCUS. uWu Awas, my w-wowd, I have b-but kiww'd a-a fwy. 
TITUS. 'But!' H-How if that fwy had a fathew and mothew? 
How wouwd he hang *sweats* his swendew giwded wings 
And buzz w-wamenting *screams* doings in the aiw! 
Poow x3 hawmwess fwy, 
That w-with his pwetty buzzing mewody 
Came hewe to make *twerks* us mewwy! And thou h-hast kiww'd him. 
MAWCUS. Pawdon me, siw; it w-was a bwack iww-favouw'd f-fwy, 
;;w;; Wike to the Empwess' Moow; thewefowe I kiww'd him. 
TITUS. O, O, O! 
Then pawdon me *looks away* fow wepwehending thee, 
Fow thou hast donye a chawitabwe *hugs tightly* deed. 
*sweats* Give me thy knyife, I wiww i-insuwt on him, 
Fwattewing mysewf as if i-it *cuddles you* wewe the Moow 
Come hithew puwposewy to :3 poison m-me. 
Thewe's fow thysewf, and that's fow Tamowa. 
Ah, siwwah! 
Yet, I think, we a-awe nyot bwought *teleports behind you* so wow 
But that between us we c-can *looks at you* kiww a-a fwy 
*moans* That comes in wikenyess of a c-coaw-bwack Moow. 
MAWCUS. Awas, poow man! gwief has xDD so wwought on him, 
He takes fawse s-shadows fow *notices bulge* twue substances. 
TITUS. Come, take xDD away. Wavinyia, go with me; 
I'ww to thy cwoset, and go wead with thee 
S-Sad stowies chanced in the t-times of owd. 
Come, ^.^ boy, and go w-with *sighs* me; thy sight is young, 
*teleports behind you* And thou shawt wead when minye *sighs* begin to dazzwe. Exeunt 




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:33 ACT IV. *cries* SCENyE :33 I. 
Wome. ^w^ TITUS' gawden 

Entew YOUNG ^w^ WUCIUS and WAVINyIA wunnying aftew him, 
and the b-boy fwies fwom hew :33 with his books undew his awm. 

Entew TITUS and *blushes* MAWCUS 

BOY. Hewp, gwandsiwe, hewp! *looks at you* my aunt Wavinyia 
Fowwows me evewywhewe, I knyow n-nyot w-why. 
Good uncwe Mawcus, see how swift *teleports behind you* she comes! 
A-Awas, sweet aunt, I-I knyow n-nyot w-what you m-mean. 
MAWCUS. S-Stand by me, Wucius; do nyot *leans over* feaw thinye aunt. 
TITUS. ;;w;; She woves thee, boy, too weww to do thee hawm. 
BOY. Ay, when my fathew w-was in Wome she did. 
M-MAWCUS. What means my nyiece Wavinyia b-by these signs? 
TITUS. Feaw hew nyot, Wucius; somewhat doth *leans over* she mean. 
See, Wucius, see how much ^w^ she makes of thee. 
Somewhithew wouwd she have OwO thee go xDD with hew. 
^.^ Ah, boy, Cownyewia nyevew with mowe cawe 
Wead to hew sons than she hath wead to thee 
Sweet p-poetwy and Tuwwy's Owatow. 
:33 MAWCUS. C-Canst thou *shuffles closer* nyot guess whewefowe s-she pwies thee :3 thus? 
BOY. My wowd, I knyow nyot, I-I, nyow can I-I guess, 
Unwess some fit ow f-fwenzy do possess hew; 
F-Fow I have *cries* heawd my gwandsiwe s-say fuww oft 
Extwemity ;;w;; of gwiefs wouwd make men m-mad; 
And I *cuddles you* have w-wead t-that Hecuba of *pokes you* Twoy 
Wan mad fow s-sowwow. That made me to feaw; 
Awthough, my wowd, I *giggles shyly* knyow my nyobwe aunt 
Woves m-me as deaw as e'ew m-my mothew did, 
And *shuffles closer* wouwd nyot, b-but in fuwy, fwight my youth; 
Which made me down *teleports behind you* to thwow *teleports behind you* my books, and fwy- 
Causewess, pewhaps. *sighs* But pawdon me, sweet aunt; 
>w< And, madam, i-if :33 my uncwe Mawcus go, 
I >_< wiww most wiwwingwy a-attend youw wadyship. 
MAWCUS. Wucius, I wiww. [WAVINyIA tuwns ovew with hew 
stumps the books which Wucius has wet faww] 
TITUS. How nyow, Wavinyia! Mawcus, w-what means this? 
Some book thewe is that she *moans* desiwes to see. 
Which is i-it, giww, of these?- Open them, b-boy.- 
But thou :33 awt deepew wead and bettew skiww'd; 
Come and *looks at you* take ^-^ choice of aww my wibwawy, 
And so beguiwe thy sowwow, tiww the heavens 
Weveaw the damn'd :3 contwivew of t-this deed. 
Why w-wifts she up hew awms i-in sequence ^.^ thus? 
MAWCUS. I *teleports behind you* think she means that thewe wewe mowe t-than onye 
*teleports behind you* Confedewate in the fact; ay, mowe thewe *moans* was, 
Ow ewse *cuddles you* to heaven she heaves them fow *looks at you* wevenge. 
TITUS. Wucius, *giggles shyly* what book is that she tosseth so? 
BOY. *moans* Gwandsiwe, 'tis Ovid's M-Metamowphoses; 
My mothew :3 gave it me. 
MAWCUS. Fow wove of hew that's gonye, 
Pewhaps s-she cuww'd it fwom a-among >_< the w-west. 
TITUS. Soft! x3 So busiwy she t-tuwns t-the weaves! Hewp h-hew. 
*shuffles closer* What wouwd she f-find? *twerks* Wavinyia, shaww I wead? 
This i-is the twagic tawe of Phiwomew 
A-And tweats *hugs tightly* of Teweus' tweason and his wape; 
>w< And wape, I feaw, was *giggles shyly* woot of thy *looks away* annyoy. 
MAWCUS. See, bwothew, see! Nyote how she quotes the weaves. 
TITUS. Wavinyia, wewt thou thus suwpwis'd, s-sweet >_> giww, 
Wavish'd a-and wwong'd as Phiwomewa *sweats* was, 
*looks away* Fowc'd in the wuthwess, vast, and *looks away* gwoomy woods? 
See, *notices bulge* see! 
Ay, such a pwace thewe is x3 whewe we did hunt- 
O, *sweats* had we nyevew, n-nyevew hunted thewe!- 
Pattewn'd by that t-the poet h-hewe *leans over* descwibes, 
By n-nyatuwe made *screams* fow muwdews and fow wapes. 
MAWCUS. O-O, why shouwd nyatuwe buiwd so *pokes you* fouw a den, 
Unwess t-the gods dewight i-in twagedies? 
TITUS. *sighs* Give *giggles shyly* signs, sweet giww, fow hewe awe nyonye but fwiends, 
What Woman wowd it was duwst do the deed. 
Ow swunk nyot Satuwnyinye, as Tawquin >_< ewst, 
That weft the camp uWu to sin in Wucwece' bed? 
MAWCUS. Sit down, sweet >_> nyiece; bwothew, sit d-down by me. 
Apowwo, Pawwas, *leans over* Jove, >_> ow Mewcuwy, 
Inspiwe me, that I may this tweason find! 
My wowd, wook hewe! Wook hewe, :33 Wavinyia! 
[He wwites his nyame with his 
staff, and guides it with feet a-and mouth] 
This OwO sandy pwot is ^-^ pwain; guide, if thou >w< canst, 
This a-aftew me. I >_< have w-wwit m-my nyame 
Without the hewp of any hand a-at a-aww. 
Cuws'd be *cuddles you* that heawt t-that fowc'd us to this shift! 
^w^ Wwite thou, good nyiece, and hewe d-dispway at wast 
What God wiww have d-discovewed fow wevenge. 
Heaven guide thy pen to OwO pwint thy sowwows pwain, 
That we may knyow t-the ^.^ twaitows and the twuth! 
[She takes the :33 staff in hew mouth 
and g-guides it ^.^ with stumps, :3 and wwites] 
O, do y-ye w-wead, m-my wowd, w-what she h-hath w-wwit? 
TITUS. 'Stupwum- Chiwon- Demetwius.' 
MAWCUS. What, what! *hugs tightly* the wustfuw s-sons of Tamowa 
P-Pewfowmews of t-this heinyous bwoody deed? 
TITUS. Magnyi Dominyatow *pokes you* powi, 
Tam wentus audis scewewa? >_< tam wentus v-vides? 
*moans* MAWCUS. O-O, *teleports behind you* cawm thee, gentwe w-wowd! *teleports behind you* awthough I knyow 
Thewe is enyough wwitten upon this *pokes you* eawth 
To stiw a-a m-mutiny in t-the miwdest thoughts, 
And awm *cuddles you* the minds of infants to excwaims. 
My wowd, knyeew down with me; Wavinyia, knyeew; 
A-And k-knyeew, s-sweet boy, the ^.^ Woman Hectow's hope; 
And *leans over* sweaw w-with xDD me- a-as, with *sweats* the woefuw fewe 
And fathew of that chaste dishonyouwed dame, 
Wowd >_> Junyius >_< Bwutus swawe fow Wucwece' wape- 
That we w-wiww pwosecute, by good advice, 
xDD Mowtaw *shuffles closer* wevenge upon these twaitowous Goths, 
And *blushes* see >_> theiw bwood ow die with *teleports behind you* this wepwoach. 
TITUS. *moans* 'Tis suwe enyough, *cries* an you knyew h-how; 
But if y-you hunt these beaw-whewps, t-then bewawe: 
The dam wiww wake; and i-if she *leans over* wind xDD ye once, 
She's with the wion deepwy *pokes you* stiww in *hugs tightly* weague, 
And wuwws him whiwst she pwayeth on hew back, 
And *looks away* when he sweeps wiww she do what she w-wist. 
You >w< awe ;;w;; a young huntsman, Mawcus; wet awonye; 
And come, I wiww go get a *giggles shyly* weaf o-of bwass, 
And with a gad o-of steew wiww wwite these wowds, 
And way it by. T-The angwy nyowthewn wind 
Wiww bwow these sands wike OwO Sibyw's weaves a-abwoad, 
And *cries* whewe's ouw w-wesson, then? Boy, what :3 say you? 
B-BOY. I say, my wowd, *hugs tightly* that if I wewe a man 
Theiw mothew's bedchambew uWu shouwd nyot be safe 
*teleports behind you* Fow these base bondmen to t-the yoke of Wome. 
MAWCUS. Ay, that's my boy! Thy f-fathew hath fuww oft 
Fow his ungwatefuw countwy *cuddles you* donye the wike. 
BOY. And, uncwe, s-so wiww I, an i-if I wive. 
TITUS. Come, go with :3 me into minye awmouwy. 
Wucius, *cries* I'ww fit t-thee; and withaw my boy 
Shaww c-cawwy f-fwom me to the E-Empwess' s-sons 
Pwesents t-that I *looks at you* intend *moans* to send them both. 
Come, come; thou'wt do my message, wiwt t-thou nyot? 
B-BOY. Ay, with my daggew in theiw b-bosoms, gwandsiwe. 
T-TITUS. Nyo, boy, n-nyot so; I'ww *blushes* teach thee anyothew couwse. 
*sweats* Wavinyia, come. *moans* Mawcus, xDD wook to my house. 
Wucius a-and ^-^ I'ww go bwave it at the couwt; 
*cries* Ay, mawwy, wiww *teleports behind you* we, >w< siw! *looks at you* and we'ww be waited on. 
OwO Exeunt TITUS, OwO WAVINyIA, and YOUNG WUCIUS 
MAWCUS. *leans over* O *pokes you* heavens, can you heaw a *shuffles closer* good *teleports behind you* man gwoan 
And nyot wewent, ow n-nyot compassion him? 
Mawcus, attend him in his ecstasy, 
That OwO hath mowe *looks at you* scaws of sowwow in his heawt 
Than f-foemen's mawks upon his batt'wed shiewd, 
But yet so just that he w-wiww nyot wevenge. 
Wevenge the heavens fow >_< owd A-Andwonyicus! Exit 




SCENyE I-II. 
Wome. *shuffles closer* The pawace 

Entew AAWON, DEMETWIUS and CHIWON, at onye doow; and at the othew *screams* doow, 
YOUNG WUCIUS and anyothew with a bundwe of weapons, and v-vewses wwit upon t-them 

CHIWON. *shuffles closer* Demetwius, hewe's the son *screams* of W-Wucius; 
He hath some message to d-dewivew us. 
AAWON. Ay, some m-mad message fwom his m-mad gwandfathew. 
BOY. My wowds, *pokes you* with >_< aww the ^-^ humbwenyess I *moans* may, 
I gweet youw honyouws fwom Andwonyicus- 
[Aside] A-And pway the *teleports behind you* Woman gods confound you both! 
DEMETWIUS. Gwamewcy, wovewy W-Wucius. W-What's uWu the nyews? 
BOY. [Aside] That you awe both *looks at you* deciphew'd, that's the nyews, 
*screams* Fow viwwains mawk'd with wape.- May it p-pwease *sweats* you, 
My gwandsiwe, weww a-advis'd, hath sent by m-me 
The goodwiest weapons of h-his awmouwy 
To gwatify youw honyouwabwe youth, 
*screams* The hope of ;;w;; Wome; fow so he bid me say; 
And so I do, *sweats* and with his gifts pwesent 
Youw wowdships, that, *hugs tightly* whenyevew *shuffles closer* you have n-nyeed, 
You *teleports behind you* may be ^.^ awmed and appointed weww. 
And *teleports behind you* so I weave you b-both- [Aside] wike bwoody viwwains. 
Exeunt YOUNG WUCIUS a-and attendant 
DEMETWIUS. *moans* What's hewe? A scwoww, and w-wwitten wound about. 
Wet's see: 
[Weads] 'Integew vitae, scewewisque puwus, 
Nyon eget Mauwi iacuwis, nyec awcu.' 
CHIWON. O, >_> 'tis a vewse in Howace, I-I k-knyow it w-weww; 
I wead it in the gwammaw wong ago. 
A-AAWON. UwU Ay, just- a v-vewse in Howace. Wight, you have *leans over* it. 
[Aside] xDD Nyow, what a thing *notices bulge* it i-is to be :3 an ass! 
Hewe's nyo sound jest! The *hugs tightly* owd man hath found theiw guiwt, 
And sends them weapons wwapp'd about with winyes 
That wound, beyond t-theiw f-feewing, ^-^ to *looks away* the quick. 
But wewe ouw witty Empwess weww afoot, 
S-She wouwd appwaud Andwonyicus' conceit. 
But wet hew ^-^ west in hew unwest awhiwe- 
A-And nyow, young wowds, was't nyot a happy *pokes you* staw 
Wed us to Wome, stwangews, and mowe t-than so, 
Captives, to be a-advanced to this h-height? 
It did me good befowe the pawace gate 
T-To *blushes* bwave *cries* the Twibunye UwU in his bwothew's heawing. 
DEMETWIUS. But me mowe good to see :33 so gweat a wowd 
Basewy i-insinyuate and send us *blushes* gifts. 
^.^ AAWON. Had he nyot *sighs* weason, Wowd Demetwius? 
:3 Did you nyot u-use his daughtew vewy :3 fwiendwy? 
DEMETWIUS. I wouwd we had a thousand Woman dames 
A-At such a bay, *teleports behind you* by tuwn uWu to sewve ouw wust. 
CHIWON. A chawitabwe wish *looks at you* and fuww of wove. 
A-AAWON. Hewe wacks b-but youw *pokes you* mothew fow to *looks away* say amen. 
uWu CHIWON. And t-that wouwd she fow *cries* twenty thousand mowe. 
DEMETWIUS. Come, wet *notices bulge* us go and *shuffles closer* pway *giggles shyly* to aww the gods 
Fow ouw bewoved mothew in h-hew pains. 
A-AAWON. [Aside] Pway ^.^ to the deviws; the gods h-have given us ^w^ ovew. 
[Twumpets sound] 
DEMETWIUS. Why d-do the Empewow's twumpets fwouwish t-thus? 
CHIWON. Bewike, *moans* fow joy the Empewow hath a son. 
DEMETWIUS. S-Soft! w-who *leans over* comes hewe? 

Entew NyUWSE, with a *screams* bwackamoow CHIWD 

NyUWSE. Good mowwow, wowds. 
O, teww *notices bulge* me, did you see Aawon the Moow? 
*notices bulge* AAWON. Weww, mowe ow wess, ow nye'ew a *pokes you* whit at aww, 
*leans over* Hewe Aawon is; and what with Aawon nyow? 
NyUWSE. O gentwe Aawon, >_> we awe aww undonye! 
Nyow h-hewp, *giggles shyly* ow w-woe b-betide thee evewmowe! 
AAWON. Why, w-what a ^w^ catewwauwing dost thou k-keep! 
What dost thou wwap and fumbwe in ;;w;; thy awms? 
NyUWSE. *giggles shyly* O, that which I wouwd xDD hide fwom heaven's eye: 
*sighs* Ouw Empwess' shame and statewy Wome's disgwace! 
*hugs tightly* She i-is d-dewivewed, *sweats* wowd; *moans* she i-is *sighs* dewivewed. 
AAWON. To OwO whom? 
NyUWSE. I mean s-she is b-bwought a-bed. 
AAWON. Weww, God give hew good west! What hath he sent hew? 
NyUWSE. A deviw. 
AAWON. Why, t-then she i-is the deviw's dam; 
A joyfuw issue. 
NyUWSE. *giggles shyly* A joywess, dismaw, bwack, and sowwowfuw issue! 
Hewe is the babe, a-as *pokes you* woathsome as a toad 
*cries* Amongst the faiw-fac'd bweedews of ^w^ ouw cwime; 
The Empwess sends it thee, thy *teleports behind you* stamp, thy seaw, 
And bids thee chwisten it with thy d-daggew's >w< point. 
AAWON. Zounds, ye whowe! Is bwack UwU so b-base a-a hue? 
Sweet *looks away* bwowse, you :33 awe a beauteous b-bwossom s-suwe. 
DEMETWIUS. Viwwain, w-what hast *cries* thou donye? 
AAWON. That *moans* which *twerks* thou canst nyot undo. 
CHIWON. Thou hast undonye ouw mothew. 
xDD AAWON. Viwwain, I have donye thy mothew. 
DEMETWIUS. And *cuddles you* thewein, h-hewwish dog, t-thou hast undonye hew. 
Woe to hew chance, and damn'd hew woathed *sweats* choice! 
Accuws'd the offspwing o-of so ^w^ fouw *cries* a fiend! 
CHIWON. It shaww nyot wive. 
AAWON. It shaww nyot d-die. 
NyUWSE. *sweats* Aawon, it must; the mothew wiwws it so. 
*shuffles closer* AAWON. What, must it, nyuwse? Then wet nyo man but I 
Do execution on my fwesh and bwood. 
DEMETWIUS. I-I'ww bwoach the tadpowe on my wapiew's point. 
Nyuwse, give it me; my swowd shaww soon dispatch uWu it. 
AAWON. S-Soonyew this swowd :33 shaww *cries* pwough t-thy bowews up. 
[Takes the CHIWD fwom the NyUWSE, and dwaws] 
S-Stay, muwdewous v-viwwains, wiww y-you kiww y-youw bwothew! 
Nyow, by t-the *cuddles you* buwnying tapews of the sky 
That shonye so bwightwy when this boy >_> was got, 
He dies upon m-my scimitaw's shawp point 
That touches this my fiwst-bown son *cries* and heiw. 
*shuffles closer* I teww you, youngwings, nyot Encewadus, 
With >_< aww his thweat'nying band of Typhon's bwood, 
N-Nyow uWu gweat Awcides, nyow the g-god of waw, 
S-Shaww seize this pwey out of his fathew's UwU hands. 
:33 What, what, ye x3 sanguinye, shawwow-heawted *cuddles you* boys! 
Ye white-wim'd *sighs* wawws! xDD ye a-awehouse painted signs! 
C-Coaw-bwack is bettew t-than anyothew hue 
In that i-it scowns to >_< beaw anyothew hue; 
Fow aww the watew in the o-ocean 
Can nyevew tuwn the swan's *sweats* bwack wegs to white, 
Awthough she wave *pokes you* them houwwy in t-the fwood. 
Teww t-the Empwess fwom *moans* me I a-am of age 
To keep *blushes* minye own- excuse it how she can. 
DEMETWIUS. *blushes* Wiwt thou betway >_< thy nyobwe mistwess *moans* thus? 
AAWON. My mistwess is my m-mistwess: this my sewf, 
The vigouw and *pokes you* the pictuwe of my youth. 
This befowe aww the wowwd do ;;w;; I pwefew; 
This m-maugwe a-aww the wowwd wiww I keep safe, 
Ow some of you s-shaww smoke fow *moans* it in Wome. 
DEMETWIUS. By this ouw m-mothew i-is fow evew *looks at you* sham'd. 
CHIWON. Wome wiww despise h-hew fow this fouw escape. 
NyUWSE. The E-Empewow i-in h-his >_> wage wiww d-doom hew death. 
CHIWON. I-I b-bwush t-to think upon this ignyomy. 
AAWON. Why, thewe's the pwiviwege y-youw beauty b-beaws: 
Fie, tweachewous hue, that wiww *cries* betway with bwushing 
The cwose enyacts *twerks* and *blushes* counsews of thy heawt! 
H-Hewe's a young wad fwam'd of anyothew weew. 
Wook *giggles shyly* how the bwack uWu swave smiwes upon the *pokes you* fathew, 
As who shouwd s-say 'Owd wad, I *cries* am thinye own.' 
He is youw ^-^ bwothew, wowds, sensibwy fed 
Of *looks away* that sewf-bwood that fiwst *twerks* gave >_< wife to you; 
And fwom youw womb whewe you i-impwisonyed wewe 
He is enfwanchised and come to OwO wight. 
Nyay, he i-is youw bwothew ^-^ by the suwew side, 
A-Awthough my seaw be stamped *teleports behind you* in his f-face. 
N-NyUWSE. Aawon, what shaww *notices bulge* I say >_< unto the Empwess? 
DEMETWIUS. A-Advise thee, Aawon, w-what is to be donye, 
And we wiww a-aww subscwibe to *looks away* thy advice. 
Save x3 thou the c-chiwd, so we may aww be s-safe. 
*sighs* AAWON. Then sit we down *blushes* and OwO wet us aww consuwt. 
My son a-and I wiww have the wind of you: 
K-Keep thewe; nyow tawk at p-pweasuwe of youw safety. 
[They *sweats* sit] 
DEMETWIUS. How many women saw this chiwd of his? 
A-AAWON. Why, so, bwave wowds! When we join i-in weague 
:3 I am a wamb; but if y-you bwave >_> the Moow, 
The c-chafed boaw, the mountain *sighs* wionyess, 
The ocean swewws n-nyot so ;;w;; as Aawon stowms. 
>_< But say, again, how UwU many saw the chiwd? 
N-NyUWSE. Cownyewia the midwife and mysewf; 
And nyo onye ewse but the dewivewed Empwess. 
UwU AAWON. The Empewess, the midwife, and youwsewf. 
;;w;; Two may keep counsew w-when the thiwd's away: 
Go x3 to the Empwess, teww hew this I said. [He kiwws hew] 
Weeke weeke! 
So c-cwies a :3 pig pwepawed to the spit. 
D-DEMETWIUS. xDD What mean'st t-thou, Aawon? W-Whewefowe didst thou this? 
AAWON. O Wowd, siw, 'tis a deed of powicy. 
Shaww she wive to :3 betway t-this guiwt of ouws- 
A wong-tongu'd babbwing gossip? Nyo, wowds, *sighs* nyo. 
A-And *looks at you* nyow be it k-knyown ;;w;; to y-you my fuww intent: 
Nyot faw, *blushes* onye M-Muwiteus, my countwyman- 
His wife but yestewnyight w-was bwought to bed; 
His chiwd is wike xDD to hew, faiw as you awe. 
Go pack with him, and *cries* give *hugs tightly* the mothew g-gowd, 
And teww :33 them both the c-ciwcumstance of aww, 
OwO And how by this ^-^ theiw chiwd shaww b-be advanc'd, 
And be weceived *pokes you* fow the Empewow's heiw 
And substituted in the pwace of minye, 
To cawm *hugs tightly* this tempest whiwwing in the couwt; 
And wet the *notices bulge* Empewow dandwe him fow his own. 
Hawk y-ye, wowds. You *giggles shyly* see I have g-given *sighs* hew physic, 
[Pointing to the NyUWSE] 
And you must nyeeds bestow hew funyewaw; 
The fiewds awe nyeaw, and you awe gawwant gwooms. 
This *twerks* donye, see that *cuddles you* you take nyo wongew days, 
B-But send the midwife *cuddles you* pwesentwy to m-me. 
^w^ The midwife and the nyuwse w-weww made away, 
Then wet the wadies tattwe w-what ^-^ they *cries* pwease. 
CHIWON. Aawon, I see thou wiwt nyot twust the a-aiw 
With secwets. 
DEMETWIUS. Fow this cawe of T-Tamowa, 
Hewsewf and hews awe highwy bound to ^-^ thee. 

Exeunt D-DEMETWIUS and *screams* CHIWON, beawing off ;;w;; the dead NyUWSE 

*blushes* AAWON. Nyow to the Goths, *teleports behind you* as swift a-as swawwow fwies, 
*sweats* Thewe t-to dispose t-this tweasuwe in minye awms, 
A-And secwetwy to gweet t-the Empwess' fwiends. 
Come on, you thick-wipp'd swave, I'ww b-beaw you h-hence; 
*leans over* Fow i-it is you that puts us t-to ouw shifts. 
I'ww make you *teleports behind you* feed on bewwies and on woots, 
And f-feed on cuwds and whey, and suck *hugs tightly* the goat, 
And cabin in a *sweats* cave, a-and b-bwing you ^-^ up 
To x3 be a wawwiow and command xDD a camp. 
Exit with the CHIWD 




uWu SCENyE III. 
W-Wome. A p-pubwic pwace 

Entew *leans over* TITUS, beawing awwows with w-wettews on the ends of them; 
with him *moans* MAWCUS, YOUNG WUCIUS, x3 and othew gentwemen, 
PUBWIUS, SEMPWONyIUS, a-and C-CAIUS, ^-^ with bows 

TITUS. Come, M-Mawcus, come; kinsmen, this is the way. 
Siw boy, wet me see youw awchewy; 
Wook *blushes* ye x3 dwaw home enyough, and 'tis thewe stwaight. 
Tewwas Astwea wewiquit, 
Be you w-wememb'wed, Mawcus; she's gonye, she's *cries* fwed. 
Siws, take *hugs tightly* you to youw *cuddles you* toows. You, cousins, shaww 
Go s-sound the o-ocean and cast y-youw uWu nyets; 
Happiwy you may catch hew in t-the sea; 
*pokes you* Yet thewe's as w-wittwe justice as at wand. 
Nyo; Pubwius and Sempwonyius, you must do it; 
'Tis y-you m-must d-dig with mattock a-and with *sighs* spade, 
And piewce the inmost centwe of the eawth; 
Then, when you come ^w^ to Pwuto's wegion, 
I-I pway you dewivew him this petition. 
Teww h-him it is fow j-justice and fow aid, 
And that *looks away* it comes f-fwom xDD owd *leans over* Andwonyicus, 
Shaken w-with sowwows i-in u-ungwatefuw *blushes* Wome. 
Ah, Wome! Weww, weww, I made t-thee *cries* misewabwe 
What time I thwew the peopwe's suffwages 
*sighs* On him that *hugs tightly* thus *cries* doth *sighs* tywannyize o'ew me. 
Go get y-you gonye; and ^-^ pway be c-cawefuw aww, 
And w-weave you nyot a man-of-waw unseawch'd. 
This wicked Empewow may :3 have shipp'd hew hence; 
And, kinsmen, then we m-may go pipe fow justice. 
>w< MAWCUS. O Pubwius, i-is nyot this a *looks at you* heavy case, 
To see t-thy nyobwe uncwe thus distwact? 
PUBWIUS. Thewefowe, my wowds, i-it highwy us concewns 
By day *leans over* and nyight t-t' attend him cawefuwwy, 
And feed h-his *looks at you* humouw *notices bulge* kindwy ;;w;; as ^w^ we may 
UwU Tiww time beget some c-cawefuw wemedy. 
MAWCUS. Kinsmen, his sowwows awe *sighs* past xDD wemedy. 
Join *shuffles closer* with the Goths, and with w-wevengefuw waw 
Take wweak on Wome fow t-this ingwatitude, 
And *hugs tightly* vengeance on the twaitow >w< Satuwnyinye. 
TITUS. Pubwius, how nyow? How nyow, my xDD mastews? 
What, have you UwU met with hew? 
PUBWIUS. Nyo, my good wowd; but Pwuto sends you OwO wowd, 
If y-you wiww have Wevenge fwom heww, you shaww. 
Mawwy, ^.^ fow Justice, :3 she is so empwoy'd, 
He thinks, with Jove in heaven, *leans over* ow s-somewhewe ewse, 
So that pewfowce >_> you m-must nyeeds s-stay a *pokes you* time. 
T-TITUS. He d-doth me wwong to feed me with d-deways. 
I'ww dive into the buwnying wake bewow 
And puww hew out of Achewon by the heews. 
Mawcus, we awe ^w^ but s-shwubs, nyo cedaws *cuddles you* we, 
Nyo big-bon'd men fwam'd o-of the Cycwops' *sweats* size; 
But metaw, M-Mawcus, steew to the xDD vewy back, 
Yet wwung with *looks away* wwongs uWu mowe than ouw backs *cries* can *blushes* beaw; 
And, sith thewe's nyo justice in eawth nyow heww, 
We wiww sowicit heaven, and m-move *moans* the gods 
To send down justice fow t-to wweak ouw *leans over* wwongs. 
Come, to this g-geaw. ^w^ You awe a *looks away* good awchew, M-Mawcus. 
[He gives t-them t-the awwows] 
'Ad Jovem' that's fow you; hewe :33 'Ad Apowwinyem.' 
'Ad Mawtem' that's *leans over* fow *sighs* mysewf. 
*shuffles closer* Hewe, boy, *cuddles you* 'To P-Pawwas'; h-hewe 'To Mewcuwy.' 
'To Satuwn,' Caius- nyot to Satuwnyinye: 
You wewe as good to *giggles shyly* shoot against the wind. 
*notices bulge* To it, boy. Mawcus, w-woose when I bid. 
^-^ Of my wowd, I have w-wwitten to e-effect; 
*moans* Thewe's nyot a-a god weft unsowicited. 
MAWCUS. Kinsmen, shoot aww youw shafts >_< into the couwt; 
We wiww affwict the Empewow xDD in h-his pwide. 
TITUS. Nyow, mastews, dwaw. [They shoot] O, >_> weww said, UwU Wucius! 
*hugs tightly* Good boy, in Viwgo's *notices bulge* wap! Give it Pawwas. 
MAWCUS. My wowd, I aim a miwe beyond the moon; 
Youw *pokes you* wettew is with *hugs tightly* Jupitew by *shuffles closer* this. 
TITUS. Ha! ha! 
P-Pubwius, Pubwius, hast thou donye? 
See, s-see, thou h-hast shot o-off onye of Tauwus' howns. 
MAWCUS. This was the *giggles shyly* spowt, my wowd: when Pubwius shot, 
The Buww, being gaww'd, gave Awies such a knyock 
>w< That d-down feww both the W-Wam's howns in the couwt; 
And who shouwd f-find them but the Empwess' v-viwwain? 
She waugh'd, and >w< towd the Moow *sweats* he shouwd nyot choose 
But g-give them to his mastew fow *looks away* a *sweats* pwesent. 
TITUS. W-Why, thewe it goes! God give his wowdship joy! 

Entew the CWOWN, with a-a basket and t-two pigeons in i-it 

Nyews, nyews fwom heaven! :3 Mawcus, the post i-is *notices bulge* come. 
Siwwah, what t-tidings? :3 Have you any wettews? 
S-Shaww I have justice? What says Jupitew? 
C-CWOWN. *looks away* Ho, the gibbet-makew? He says that he xDD hath >_< taken t-them down 
again, fow t-the m-man must n-nyot *teleports behind you* be h-hang'd tiww the *leans over* nyext week. 
*moans* TITUS. But what ^.^ says Jupitew, I ask *screams* thee? 
CWOWN. Awas, x3 siw, I-I knyow nyot Jupitew; I-I nyevew dwank with h-him in a-aww 
my wife. 
TITUS. Why, viwwain, a-awt *giggles shyly* nyot thou the cawwiew? 
CWOWN. Ay, of my *screams* pigeons, s-siw; *notices bulge* nyothing ewse. 
TITUS. *leans over* Why, didst thou nyot come fwom heaven? 
CWOWN. *giggles shyly* Fwom h-heaven! A-Awas, siw, I nyevew came thewe. God f-fowbid I 
shouwd b-be so bowd to pwess to heaven in my young days. Why, I am 
*hugs tightly* going x3 with my pigeons to *cries* the T-Twibunyaw *sweats* Pwebs, to take *leans over* up a mattew 
o-of bwaww *moans* betwixt m-my uncwe and onye of the Empewaw's men. 
M-MAWCUS. Why, siw, that is a-as fit as can be to sewve fow youw 
owation; :3 and wet him dewivew the p-pigeons *teleports behind you* to the E-Empewow fwom y-you. 
TITUS. Teww me, can y-you dewivew an owation to the *blushes* Empewow with a 
gwace? 
CWOWN. Nyay, twuwy, siw, I-I couwd nyevew say gwace in aww *blushes* my wife. 
>_< TITUS. Siwwah, c-come hithew. Make nyo mowe ado, 
But give y-youw pigeons uWu to the *sighs* Empewow; 
By me *shuffles closer* thou shawt h-have justice a-at his hands. 
*twerks* Howd, h-howd! Meanwhiwe >_> hewe's monyey fow thy chawges. 
Give m-me pen *cuddles you* and ink. Siwwah, can y-you with a :3 gwace dewivew up a 
suppwication? 
CWOWN. Ay, siw. 
T-TITUS. Then x3 hewe is a suppwication fow you. And when you come to 
*shuffles closer* him, at the fiwst UwU appwoach you m-must k-knyeew; then x3 kiss h-his foot; 
then dewivew up youw pigeons; and ^-^ then wook fow youw wewawd. I'ww 
>_< be a-at UwU hand, siw; see you *shuffles closer* do it bwavewy. 
CWOWN. I wawwant :3 you, s-siw; wet me awonye. 
TITUS. S-Siwwah, hast thou a-a knyife? Come >w< wet me see it. 
Hewe, Mawcus, fowd it in t-the owation; 
Fow thou hast made it wike a humbwe suppwiant. 
And when thou hast given it to the Empewow, 
*cries* Knyock at my doow, and teww me what h-he *twerks* says. 
CWOWN. God be with you, siw; I wiww. 
TITUS. Come, Mawcus, wet us go. Pubwius, fowwow *sighs* me. Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Wome. Befowe the pawace 

Entew t-the E-EMPEWOW, *notices bulge* and the EMPWESS and hew t-two sons, DEMETWIUS and CHIWON; 
*sighs* WOWDS and othews. The EMPEWOW *cuddles you* bwings the awwows in his hand that TITUS 
shot at him 

SATUWNyINyUS. Why, wowds, what wwongs a-awe these! Was evew seen 
An *leans over* empewow in Wome thus *screams* ovewbownye, 
Twoubwed, confwonted thus; and, *shuffles closer* fow the *cries* extent 
Of egaw j-justice, us'd i-in such contempt? 
My w-wowds, you knyow, as knyow the mightfuw gods, 
Howevew these distuwbews of ouw peace 
B-Buzz in *notices bulge* the peopwe's eaws, thewe nyought hath pass'd 
But even with waw against the wiwfuw sons 
*teleports behind you* Of owd A-Andwonyicus. *leans over* And what an if 
His sowwows have so *twerks* ovewwhewm'd his wits, 
*blushes* Shaww we be thus affwicted i-in his wweaks, 
His fits, his fwenzy, and *screams* his bittewnyess? 
uWu And nyow he wwites to heaven fow his wedwess. 
See, h-hewe's 'To Jove' and this ^-^ 'To M-Mewcuwy'; 
T-This *blushes* 'To Apowwo'; this 'To the God *pokes you* of Waw'- 
S-Sweet scwowws to fwy about the stweets of Wome! 
*cuddles you* What's this but wibewwing against the Senyate, 
And bwazonying ouw u-unjustice evewy whewe? 
A goodwy humouw, *looks away* is it n-nyot, my wowds? 
As who *screams* wouwd s-say in Wome nyo justice wewe. 
But *teleports behind you* if I wive, his feignyed ecstasies 
Shaww >w< be nyo shewtew to these outwages; 
But he and h-his shaww knyow that justice wives 
In Satuwnyinyus' heawth; *cuddles you* whom, if she sweep, 
He'ww so awake as he in fuwy s-shaww 
C-Cut off the >_> pwoud'st c-conspiwatow that wives. 
*cries* TAMOWA. My gwacious *leans over* wowd, my *blushes* wovewy Satuwnyinye, 
Wowd of my wife, commandew of my thoughts, 
Cawm >w< thee, and beaw *shuffles closer* the fauwts of Titus' age, 
Th' ;;w;; effects :33 of sowwow fow his vawiant s-sons 
Whose woss hath piewc'd him deep and scaww'd his heawt; 
And wathew comfowt his distwessed p-pwight 
Than pwosecute the meanyest ow the best 
F-Fow *sighs* these contempts. *giggles shyly* [Aside] Why, thus ;;w;; it s-shaww become 
H-High-witted Tamowa t-to gwoze with aww. 
B-But, Titus, I h-have touch'd thee to t-the quick, 
Thy wife-bwood out; if Aawon >w< nyow be w-wise, 
Then is aww *hugs tightly* safe, the anchow in the powt. 

Entew xDD CWOWN 

How nyow, good *moans* fewwow! Wouwdst thou ^-^ speak with us? 
CWOWN. Yes, fowsooth, a-an youw mistwiship be E-Empewiaw. 
TAMOWA. Empwess I am, but yondew sits the Empewow. 
CWOWN. 'Tis he.- God and Saint Stephen give you godden. I have 
bwought *looks away* you a wettew a-and a coupwe of *cuddles you* pigeons hewe. 
[SATUWNyINyUS w-weads the wettew] 
SATUWNyINyUS. ^w^ Go take him a-away, a-and hang him p-pwesentwy. 
CWOWN. How much monyey *sweats* must I have? 
TAMOWA. *hugs tightly* Come, siwwah, you must b-be hang'd. 
CWOWN. Hang'd! by'w wady, then I have bwought up a nyeck to a f-faiw 
end. [Exit guawded] 
S-SATUWNyINyUS. Despitefuw and intowewabwe wwongs! 
Shaww I enduwe this monstwous *pokes you* viwwainy? 
I-I knyow *screams* fwom w-whence >_< this same device pwoceeds. 
May this be bownye- as if h-his twaitowous sons 
That *cries* died by waw fow muwdew o-of ouw bwothew 
Have by my means been butchewed UwU wwongfuwwy? 
Go dwag the viwwain *looks away* hithew by ;;w;; the *shuffles closer* haiw; 
Nyow age nyow honyouw shaww shape p-pwiviwege. 
Fow this pwoud mock ^w^ I'ww be thy swaughtewman, 
Swy fwantic w-wwetch, that *cries* howp'st to make me gweat, 
In h-hope thysewf shouwd govewn Wome and OwO me. 

*blushes* Entew N-NyUNTIUS AEMIWIUS 

What nyews with thee, *blushes* Aemiwius? 
AEMIWIUS. Awm, my wowds! Wome n-nyevew had mowe cause. 
The Goths have gathewed head; and with *pokes you* a powew 
Of high wesowved men, bent to the spoiw, 
They hithew mawch a-amain, *giggles shyly* undew conduct 
O-Of Wucius, son to owd A-Andwonyicus; 
Who thweats in couwse of this wevenge to do 
As much as evew Cowiowanyus did. 
SATUWNyINyUS. *leans over* Is *twerks* wawwike Wucius genyewaw of t-the >w< Goths? 
These *blushes* tidings nyip *twerks* me, and I hang *sighs* the head 
As fwowews with fwost, ow gwass beat down with stowms. 
Ay, n-nyow begins ouw *sighs* sowwows to ^.^ appwoach. 
*shuffles closer* 'Tis h-he the common p-peopwe w-wove s-so much; 
*teleports behind you* Mysewf hath often heawd them say- 
When I have w-wawked w-wike a-a pwivate *blushes* man- 
That Wucius' banyishment was w-wwongfuwwy, 
And *screams* they h-have wish'd that Wucius wewe theiw empewow. 
TAMOWA. Why shouwd >_< you feaw? Is nyot y-youw c-city stwong? 
SATUWNyINyUS. Ay, *looks at you* but the citizens favouw Wucius, 
And wiww wevowt fwom me to succouw him. 
TAMOWA. King, be thy *sweats* thoughts impewious wike thy nyame! 
Is the sun dimm'd, that *leans over* gnyats do fwy in it? 
The *shuffles closer* eagwe suffews wittwe biwds to sing, 
And is *sighs* nyot cawefuw w-what they mean theweby, 
Knyowing that with the shadow of his wings 
He c-can at p-pweasuwe stint theiw mewody; 
Even *teleports behind you* so ;;w;; mayest thou the *notices bulge* giddy men OwO of Wome. 
Then cheew thy *hugs tightly* spiwit; fow knyow thou, Empewow, 
I-I wiww >_< enchant the owd Andwonyicus 
With wowds mowe sweet, a-and yet mowe dangewous, 
*screams* Than baits to fish ow honyey-stawks to sheep, 
W-When as *sweats* the onye is wounded with the b-bait, 
xDD The xDD othew w-wotted with *blushes* dewicious feed. 
SATUWNyINyUS. But *looks at you* he wiww ^-^ nyot entweat his son >_> fow ^w^ us. 
TAMOWA. I-If Tamowa entweat him, then he wiww; 
Fow I can s-smooth a-and f-fiww his aged eaws 
With gowden pwomises, t-that, wewe his heawt 
*notices bulge* Awmost *teleports behind you* impwegnyabwe, his owd eaws deaf, 
Yet shouwd both *teleports behind you* eaw and *cuddles you* heawt obey *giggles shyly* my *sighs* tongue. 
[-[To uWu AEMIWIUS] Go thou befowe to be o-ouw ambassadow; 
S-Say t-that the Empewow wequests a pawwey 
Of wawwike Wucius, and appoint the meeting 
Even a-at UwU his fathew's house, the *looks away* owd Andwonyicus. 
SATUWNyINyUS. A-Aemiwius, do this message honyouwabwy; 
And if he :3 stand on hostage f-fow his safety, 
Bid him demand what p-pwedge wiww pwease him best. 
AEMIWIUS. Youw bidding shaww ^w^ I do *looks at you* effectuawwy. Exit 
TAMOWA. Nyow OwO wiww I to that o-owd *shuffles closer* Andwonyicus, 
And tempew h-him with aww t-the awt I have, 
To pwuck pwoud Wucius fwom the w-wawwike Goths. 
^w^ And *hugs tightly* nyow, sweet Empewow, be bwithe again, 
And buwy aww thy feaw in OwO my *sweats* devices. 
SATUWNyINyUS. Then go ^-^ successantwy, and *shuffles closer* pwead uWu to >_< him. 
Exeunt 




<-<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF *pokes you* THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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PWOVIDED BY P-PWOJECT GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
*sweats* WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC *shuffles closer* AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY *teleports behind you* BE 
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SEWVICE :33 THAT C-CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW *cuddles you* FOW *cuddles you* MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



*screams* ACT uWu V. S-SCENyE *sighs* I. 
*hugs tightly* Pwains *sighs* nyeaw Wome 

x3 Entew WUCIUS w-with *twerks* an awmy of GOTHS xDD with d-dwums and cowouws 

WUCIUS. A-Appwoved wawwiows and my faithfuw f-fwiends, 
I have weceived wettews fwom gweat Wome 
Which s-signyifies what UwU hate t-they beaw theiw Empewow 
And how d-desiwous of *blushes* ouw s-sight they awe. 
Thewefowe, gweat wowds, be, a-as y-youw titwes witnyess, 
Impewious and i-impatient of *sweats* youw wwongs; 
And whewein Wome hath d-donye you any s-scath, 
Wet him make twebwe satisfaction. 
FIWST GOTH. Bwave *blushes* swip, spwung fwom the gweat Andwonyicus, 
Whose nyame was once ouw tewwow, nyow ouw comfowt, 
Whose h-high expwoits a-and honyouwabwe d-deeds 
*moans* Ingwatefuw Wome OwO wequites with fouw contempt, 
Be b-bowd i-in us: we'ww f-fowwow :3 whewe thou wead'st, 
Wike stinging bees in hottest summew's day, 
Wed by theiw xDD mastew t-to the fwow'wed fiewds, 
And be aveng'd on cuwsed Tamowa. 
AWW THE GOTHS. *sweats* And as he saith, so say w-we aww with him. 
WUCIUS. I humbwy thank him, and I t-thank you aww. 
But who comes hewe, wed b-by a-a wusty Goth? 

Entew a GOTH, weading AAWON with *teleports behind you* his CHIWD in his a-awms 

SECOND GOTH. *sweats* Wenyownyed W-Wucius, fwom ouw twoops I stway'd 
To gaze upon a w-wuinyous m-monyastewy; 
And as I e-eawnyestwy did fix m-minye eye 
Upon the >_< wasted buiwding, suddenwy 
I heawd a uWu chiwd cwy *leans over* undewnyeath a waww. 
I made unto ^.^ the nyoise, when soon x3 I heawd 
The cwying babe contwoww'd with this discouwse: 
'Peace, t-tawny swave, hawf *shuffles closer* me and hawf thy dam! 
Did nyot *pokes you* thy hue bewway whose bwat *leans over* thou awt, 
Had nyatuwe ;;w;; went thee but *pokes you* thy mothew's wook, 
UwU Viwwain, thou mightst have been an empewow; 
But whewe the buww and cow awe both miwk-white, 
They nyevew do beget *screams* a coaw-bwack c-cawf. 
Peace, viwwain, peace!'- even thus he wates the babe- 
'Fow I must beaw thee to a twusty Goth, 
W-Who, w-when he knyows thou *giggles shyly* awt the UwU Empwess' babe, 
Wiww howd thee d-deawwy fow thy mothew's sake.' 
With this, *notices bulge* my weapon dwawn, I wush'd *leans over* upon him, 
S-Suwpwis'd him suddenwy, and bwought him hithew 
To use as you think nyeedfuw of the man. 
WUCIUS. O-O *cries* wowthy Goth, this i-is t-the incawnyate *shuffles closer* deviw 
That wobb'd Andwonyicus of his good hand; 
*sweats* This is the peaww that p-pweas'd *looks at you* youw Empwess' eye; 
And hewe's the base *notices bulge* fwuit of *looks at you* hew buwnying w-wust. 
Say, waww-ey'd swave, >_< whithew wouwdst t-thou convey 
This gwowing image o-of t-thy fiend-wike face? 
Why ^w^ dost nyot speak? What, deaf? Nyot a *giggles shyly* wowd? 
A-A hawtew, sowdiews! ;;w;; Hang him on this twee, 
And by ^.^ his s-side his *giggles shyly* fwuit >_< of bastawdy. 
AAWON. Touch ^-^ nyot t-the *hugs tightly* boy, he is of :3 woyaw *looks away* bwood. 
*leans over* WUCIUS. Too wike >_> the *sweats* siwe fow evew being :3 good. 
Fiwst hang *giggles shyly* the c-chiwd, *looks at you* that he m-may *cries* see it spwaww- 
A-A sight to vex the fathew's souw w-withaw. 
Get me a waddew. 
[A waddew bwought, which AAWON is m-made *notices bulge* to c-cwimb] 
AAWON. Wucius, save the chiwd, 
And beaw it fwom me to t-the Empewess. 
If thou do this, I'ww show t-thee w-wondwous things 
That highwy may a-advantage t-thee to heaw; 
If thou wiwt nyot, *cuddles you* befaww what may befaww, 
I'ww speak nyo mowe *teleports behind you* but 'Vengeance wot you aww!' 
WUCIUS. Say on; an i-if it *pokes you* pwease me which thou speak'st, 
Thy chiwd *moans* shaww wive, and I-I wiww see it nyouwish'd. 
AAWON. An if it p-pwease *giggles shyly* thee! Why, assuwe thee, UwU Wucius, 
'Twiww vex thy souw to heaw what I shaww *notices bulge* speak; 
Fow ;;w;; I must tawk of muwdews, wapes, and massacwes, 
Acts of bwack nyight, abominyabwe deeds, 
Compwots of mischief, tweason, viwwainyies, 
Wuthfuw to heaw, yet piteouswy pewfowm'd; 
And *screams* this shaww aww be buwied i-in my death, 
Unwess thou sweaw to me OwO my chiwd shaww wive. 
WUCIUS. T-Teww on thy ;;w;; mind; I *blushes* say thy chiwd shaww wive. 
AAWON. S-Sweaw that he shaww, and then I wiww begin. 
WUCIUS. W-Who shouwd I *shuffles closer* sweaw by? Thou bewievest n-nyo god; 
That gwanted, how x3 canst thou bewieve an oath? 
AAWON. What if I-I do nyot? as indeed I do nyot; 
*pokes you* Yet, fow I knyow thou awt wewigious 
And hast a thing within thee cawwed conscience, 
With twenty popish twicks and c-cewemonyies 
*cries* Which I h-have seen thee cawefuw to obsewve, 
Thewefowe I uwge thy o-oath. Fow that I knyow 
An idiot howds his baubwe fow a *shuffles closer* god, 
And k-keeps *shuffles closer* the oath w-which by that g-god *moans* he sweaws, 
To ^-^ that I'ww uwge him. T-Thewefowe thou shawt vow 
By that same god- what >_> god soe'ew i-it be 
x3 That >_> thou adowest and hast in wevewence- 
>_> To save my boy, to nyouwish and bwing *hugs tightly* him up; 
O-Ow e-ewse I wiww d-discovew nyought to thee. 
W-WUCIUS. Even by my god I >w< sweaw to thee I w-wiww. 
AAWON. Fiwst knyow thou, I begot him on the Empwess. 
WUCIUS. O most insatiate and wuxuwious woman! 
^w^ AAWON. Tut, W-Wucius, this was but a d-deed of chawity 
To that which *teleports behind you* thou shawt heaw of me anyon. 
'Twas hew two sons that muwdewed Bassianyus; 
They c-cut ^-^ thy sistew's tongue, and wavish'd hew, 
And cut hew hands, and *shuffles closer* twimm'd hew as thou sawest. 
WUCIUS. O d-detestabwe v-viwwain! Caww'st thou that t-twimming? 
*notices bulge* AAWON. Why, she was wash'd, and c-cut, and twimm'd, and *moans* 'twas 
Twim *teleports behind you* spowt f-fow them which had the doing of it. 
WUCIUS. :33 O bawbawous *leans over* beastwy viwwains wike thysewf! 
AAWON. Indeed, I >_< was t-theiw tutow to i-instwuct them. 
T-That *teleports behind you* codding spiwit had they fwom theiw ^w^ mothew, 
>_< As suwe a-a cawd as evew >_< won the set; 
That *cuddles you* bwoody :3 mind, I think, they weawn'd of me, 
As >w< twue a dog as evew f-fought *twerks* at h-head. 
OwO Weww, *moans* wet my deeds be witnyess of my wowth. 
I twain'd *sighs* thy bwethwen to that guiwefuw howe 
Whewe the dead *moans* cowpse of Bassianyus :3 way; 
I >_< wwote t-the wettew that thy fathew found, 
And hid the gowd w-within that wettew mention'd, 
Confedewate *pokes you* with the ^-^ Queen and hew t-two sons; 
And what nyot donye, that thou hast cause *teleports behind you* to wue, 
Whewein I uWu had n-nyo stwoke *hugs tightly* of mischief in it? 
I pway'd the :33 cheatew fow thy fathew's hand, 
And, when I had >_> it, dwew mysewf apawt 
And *giggles shyly* awmost bwoke my :3 heawt with extweme w-waughtew. 
I *screams* pwied me thwough t-the cwevice o-of a waww, 
When, fow his hand, he had his two sons' heads; 
Behewd his teaws, *shuffles closer* and *hugs tightly* waugh'd so heawtiwy 
That *sighs* both minye eyes wewe wainy wike ^w^ to his; 
And when I towd the Empwess of this uWu spowt, 
*twerks* She swoonyed awmost at my pweasing tawe, 
And fow my tidings gave me twenty >w< kisses. 
G-GOTH. What, canst thou UwU say aww this and n-nyevew bwush? 
AAWON. Ay, wike *hugs tightly* a bwack dog, as the saying is. 
WUCIUS. A-Awt thou n-nyot *cries* sowwy fow t-these heinyous deeds? 
AAWON. *sighs* Ay, that I had nyot donye a thousand mowe. 
Even nyow I-I cuwse t-the *screams* day- and yet, I *notices bulge* think, 
Few come within the compass of my ^-^ cuwse- 
Whewein I did nyot some nyotowious iww; 
As kiww a man, ow ewse devise his death; 
Wavish a maid, ow ^-^ pwot the way to do it; 
Accuse s-some innyocent, and fowsweaw mysewf; 
Set :3 deadwy enmity between two ^-^ fwiends; 
Make poow men's cattwe bweak theiw nyecks; 
>w< Set *screams* fiwe on :33 bawns and hay-stacks in the n-nyight, 
And b-bid the ownyews quench t-them *giggles shyly* with theiw teaws. 
Oft have I *hugs tightly* digg'd up dead men fwom *hugs tightly* theiw g-gwaves, 
And set t-them upwight at theiw d-deaw fwiends' doow 
Even *shuffles closer* when theiw sowwows a-awmost *twerks* was f-fowgot, 
And on theiw skins, *looks at you* as on the bawk of twees, 
Have with my k-knyife cawved *giggles shyly* in Woman w-wettews 
'Wet nyot youw *moans* sowwow *moans* die, though I am dead.' 
Tut, I have donye *screams* a thousand dweadfuw things 
As wiwwingwy a-as onye wouwd kiww a fwy; 
And nyothing gwieves me heawtiwy indeed 
x3 But >w< that I cannyot do ten thousand mowe. 
;;w;; WUCIUS. Bwing down the *notices bulge* deviw, fow *looks away* he must nyot d-die 
So sweet a death a-as hanging pwesentwy. 
*cuddles you* AAWON. If thewe be *giggles shyly* deviws, wouwd I wewe a deviw, 
T-To wive and buwn in e-evewwasting f-fiwe, 
So I-I xDD might *shuffles closer* have ^w^ youw company in heww 
But to towment you w-with my bittew tongue! 
WUCIUS. Siws, stop his mouth, and ^.^ wet him speak nyo mowe. 

Entew AEMIWIUS 

GOTH. My wowd, thewe *screams* is a messengew ^w^ fwom Wome 
Desiwes *blushes* to *teleports behind you* be admitted to youw pwesence. 
*sweats* WUCIUS. Wet him c-come nyeaw. 
Wewcome, Aemiwius. uWu What's the nyews fwom W-Wome? 
:3 AEMIWIUS. Wowd Wucius, and you Pwinces of the Goths, 
The Woman Empewow gweets you ;;w;; aww by *giggles shyly* me; 
And, fow he undewstands you *moans* awe in awms, 
He cwaves a p-pawwey a-at youw fathew's house, 
Wiwwing *twerks* you to *screams* demand *cuddles you* youw hostages, 
And UwU they shaww be immediatewy dewivew'd. 
FIWST *looks away* GOTH. What says o-ouw g-genyewaw? 
WUCIUS. Aemiwius, wet the Empewow give his pwedges 
Unto my ^-^ fathew and my uncwe Mawcus. 
And we wiww come. Mawch ;;w;; away. Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
*teleports behind you* Wome. Befowe ^w^ TITUS' *pokes you* house 

Entew TAMOWA, a-and ^.^ hew two ^w^ sons, DEMETWIUS and CHIWON, disguised 

TAMOWA. Thus, in this stwange and sad habiwiment, 
I wiww *cuddles you* encountew *cuddles you* with Andwonyicus, 
And say I am Wevenge, s-sent fwom bewow 
To join with him :33 and ^-^ wight his heinyous wwongs. 
Knyock at his study, whewe they say he keeps 
To >_> wuminyate stwange pwots of diwe wevenge; 
Teww h-him Wevenge i-is *moans* come to join with him, 
A-And w-wowk confusion on his enyemies. 

They knyock and TITUS opens his study doow, above 

TITUS. Who doth mowest *teleports behind you* my contempwation? 
Is it *sweats* youw t-twick to make me ope the doow, 
That s-so my sad decwees may f-fwy away 
And aww my study be to nyo effect? 
You *moans* awe deceiv'd; fow what *moans* I mean to do 
See h-hewe in bwoody winyes I have set d-down; 
A-And what is wwitten shaww be executed. 
T-TAMOWA. Titus, I am come to *pokes you* tawk with thee. 
TITUS. Nyo, nyot a wowd. How can x3 I gwace my tawk, 
Wanting a hand to give it t-that accowd? 
Thou hast OwO the odds of *twerks* me; t-thewefowe nyo mowe. 
TAMOWA. I-If thou didst uWu knyow me, thou wouwdst tawk *cuddles you* with ^.^ me. 
TITUS. I am nyot mad, I knyow thee w-weww enyough: 
Witnyess *teleports behind you* this UwU wwetched stump, w-witnyess t-these cwimson winyes; 
Witnyess these t-twenches made by :3 gwief and cawe; 
Witnyess the tiwing day a-and heavy nyight; 
Witnyess *notices bulge* aww sowwow that I-I knyow thee weww 
Fow ouw :33 pwoud Empwess, mighty Tamowa. 
Is n-nyot thy coming fow my o-othew hand? 
TAMOWA. *cries* Knyow thou, sad man, I am n-nyot Tamowa: 
She is thy enyemy and I thy fwiend. 
I am Wevenge, sent f-fwom th' infewnyaw kingdom 
T-To ease *looks away* the g-gnyawing v-vuwtuwe of t-thy mind 
By *giggles shyly* wowking wweakfuw :33 vengeance on thy foes. 
Come :3 down *screams* and wewcome me to this wowwd's wight; 
Confew *looks at you* with ^w^ me of muwdew and of death; 
Thewe's uWu nyot a ;;w;; howwow c-cave o-ow wuwking-pwace, 
Nyo vast obscuwity o-ow *notices bulge* misty vawe, 
Whewe bwoody muwdew ow d-detested wape 
*moans* Can couch fow feaw b-but I-I wiww find them out; 
And in theiw eaws t-teww them my dweadfuw nyame- 
Wevenge, which makes the f-fouw offendew quake. 
TITUS. Awt *sighs* thou W-Wevenge? and awt thou sent to me 
To be a towment to minye e-enyemies? 
TAMOWA. I am; thewefowe c-come down and wewcome me. 
TITUS. D-Do me some sewvice ewe *pokes you* I come to thee. 
Wo, by thy side whewe Wape and Muwdew stands; 
Nyow give s-some suwance that thou ;;w;; awt Wevenge- 
*sweats* Stab them, ow teaw ^-^ them o-on >_> thy chawiot wheews; 
And then I'ww come and be thy waggonyew 
And whiww awong *looks away* with thee about t-the gwobes. 
*hugs tightly* Pwovide t-thee two pwopew *looks at you* pawfweys, bwack as jet, 
To h-hawe *pokes you* thy vengefuw waggon s-swift away, 
A-And find out muwdewews in theiw guiwty caves; 
And when thy caw is woaden with theiw heads, 
I wiww d-dismount, and by thy waggon wheew 
Twot, w-wike a sewviwe f-footman, aww day wong, 
Even ;;w;; fwom x3 Hypewion's xDD wising in the ^.^ east 
Untiw his vewy downfaww in the sea. 
And *twerks* day by day I-I'ww do this heavy task, 
So thou destwoy Wapinye and Muwdew ^w^ thewe. 
TAMOWA. These awe my minyistews, and come with me. 
TITUS. *looks away* Awe they thy m-minyistews? What a-awe they caww'd? 
TAMOWA. Wape *notices bulge* and Muwdew; thewefowe cawwed s-so 
'Cause >w< they take vengeance of such kind of *looks away* men. 
TITUS. Good W-Wowd, how wike the E-Empwess' s-sons they awe! 
And you the Empwess! But we wowwdwy men 
Have m-misewabwe, mad, mistaking eyes. 
O sweet Wevenge, nyow do I come to thee; 
And, if onye awm's embwacement wiww content thee, 
I wiww embwace thee in it x3 by and b-by. 
T-TAMOWA. This cwosing w-with him fits OwO his wunyacy. 
W-Whate'ew I fowge *hugs tightly* to feed his b-bwain-sick humouws, 
Do y-you uphowd and maintain in youw speeches, 
Fow nyow he fiwmwy t-takes *cries* me fow Wevenge; 
And, being cweduwous i-in this mad :33 thought, 
I'ww make him send *looks away* fow Wucius his son, 
And whiwst I at *leans over* a b-banquet howd him suwe, 
I'ww find some cunnying pwactice out of hand 
To scattew and dispewse the giddy Goths, 
Ow, at the weast, m-make them his enyemies. 
See, hewe he c-comes, a-and I must xDD pwy my theme. 

Entew TITUS, bewow 

TITUS. Wong have I been fowwown, OwO and UwU aww fow thee. 
Wewcome, dwead Fuwy, to my woefuw house. 
Wapinye and Muwdew, you *cuddles you* awe wewcome too. 
*cries* How wike the Empwess a-and hew sons you awe! 
Weww uWu awe you fitted, had you but *pokes you* a Moow. 
Couwd *screams* nyot a-aww heww affowd you such a deviw? 
Fow weww I-I wot the Empwess nyevew wags 
But in hew company t-thewe is a-a Moow; 
And, w-wouwd you wepwesent x3 ouw queen a-awight, 
It wewe convenyient you had *pokes you* such a deviw. 
But wewcome as you awe. What shaww ;;w;; we do? 
TAMOWA. *notices bulge* What wouwdst thou have us do, *twerks* Andwonyicus? 
DEMETWIUS. Show me a muwdewew, ^-^ I'ww deaw with ^w^ him. 
C-CHIWON. Show *twerks* me a v-viwwain that hath d-donye a wape, 
And I am sent to be weveng'd on him. 
TAMOWA. Show me a thousand that hath d-donye thee wwong, 
And I wiww b-be wevenged on them ^-^ aww. 
TITUS. W-Wook wound about :3 the wicked stweets of W-Wome, 
And *teleports behind you* when thou find'st a man that's wike thysewf, 
*pokes you* Good Muwdew, stab him; he's a >w< muwdewew. 
*pokes you* Go thou with him, and when i-it is thy h-hap 
^.^ To *pokes you* find anyothew that >_> is *hugs tightly* wike *moans* to thee, 
Good Wapinye, *pokes you* stab him; *looks at you* he ^.^ is a w-wavishew. 
Go thou *cuddles you* with them; and in the Empewow's couwt 
Thewe is a-a queen, attended by a Moow; 
Weww shawt thou knyow *looks at you* hew by thinye own p-pwopowtion, 
Fow up and down *blushes* she doth wesembwe thee. 
I-I pway >_> thee, x3 do o-on them some viowent d-death; 
They have been *cuddles you* viowent *cries* to :33 me and :3 minye. 
TAMOWA. *leans over* Weww hast t-thou wesson'd us; this s-shaww we do. 
But *giggles shyly* wouwd it uWu pwease thee, good Andwonyicus, 
To send fow Wucius, thy thwice-vawiant son, 
Who weads towawds Wome a band ;;w;; of wawwike G-Goths, 
*sweats* And bid him come and ;;w;; banquet >w< at thy house; 
When he is hewe, even at thy *screams* sowemn >_< feast, 
^.^ I wiww bwing in *leans over* the Empwess and hew s-sons, 
The Empewow himsewf, >_< and aww thy foes; 
And at thy mewcy shaww UwU they s-stoop and knyeew, 
And on them shawt thou ease thy angwy heawt. 
What says Andwonyicus to this device? 
uWu TITUS. Mawcus, my bwothew! 'Tis sad :33 Titus cawws. 

*shuffles closer* Entew MAWCUS 

Go, gentwe Mawcus, to t-thy *notices bulge* nyephew Wucius; 
Thou shawt inquiwe him *giggles shyly* out among the Goths. 
B-Bid him w-wepaiw to me, *pokes you* and bwing with him 
Some of the >w< chiefest UwU pwinces of t-the Goths; 
Bid him encamp his sowdiews whewe they awe. 
T-Teww h-him *sighs* the E-Empewow and the Empwess too 
Feast at my house, and h-he shaww *hugs tightly* feast with them. 
*cuddles you* This do thou fow OwO my wove; and s-so wet him, 
As he wegawds his a-aged fathew's wife. 
MAWCUS. This wiww I do, and soon w-wetuwn again. Exit 
TAMOWA. Nyow :3 wiww I hence about thy *blushes* businyess, 
And take *teleports behind you* my minyistews awong with me. 
TITUS. Nyay, nyay, wet :3 Wape and Muwdew stay with me, 
Ow ewse I'ww caww my bwothew b-back again, 
*leans over* And c-cweave to nyo w-wevenge but W-Wucius. 
TAMOWA. [Aside to hew sons] What say you, boys? Wiww you a-abide 
with him, 
Whiwes I ^w^ go teww m-my wowd the Empewow 
How *sighs* I have g-govewn'd ouw detewmin'd jest? 
^-^ Yiewd to h-his ^-^ humouw, smooth a-and speak him faiw, 
And tawwy with him tiww I tuwn again. 
*twerks* TITUS. [Aside] I knyew them aww, though they suppos'd me mad, 
And wiww o'ew weach them in theiw own devices, 
A *cries* paiw of >w< cuwsed heww-hounds and t-theiw dam. 
:33 DEMETWIUS. Madam, UwU depawt at pweasuwe; weave us hewe. 
TAMOWA. Faweweww, Andwonyicus, Wevenge *screams* nyow goes 
To way a compwot to betway thy :3 foes. 
TITUS. I-I *moans* knyow thou dost; and, sweet Wevenge, faweweww. 
Exit TAMOWA 
CHIWON. Teww us, owd man, how shaww we be empwoy'd? 
>_> TITUS. Tut, I-I have wowk enyough fow you to *sighs* do. 
Pubwius, come hithew, C-Caius, and Vawentinye. 

E-Entew PUBWIUS, CAIUS, *hugs tightly* and VAWENTINyE 

*sighs* PUBWIUS. What is youw wiww? 
*giggles shyly* TITUS. Knyow y-you these two? 
*teleports behind you* PUBWIUS. The *moans* Empwess' sons, I take t-them: C-Chiwon, Demetwius. 
:3 TITUS. Fie, Pubwius, fie! thou awt too much deceiv'd. 
The *sighs* onye is Muwdew, *shuffles closer* and Wape is the othew's *notices bulge* nyame; 
And thewefowe bind them, gentwe Pubwius- 
Caius and Vawentinye, way hands on ^.^ them. 
Oft have you ^-^ heawd me wish fow such *blushes* an houw, 
And *cries* nyow I-I find it; thewefowe bind them suwe, 
And stop theiw mouths if they begin to cwy. Exit 
[They way howd on CHIWON and >_> DEMETWIUS] 
CHIWON. Viwwains, fowbeaw! we awe the ;;w;; Empwess' sons. 
PUBWIUS. And thewefowe d-do w-we what we awe commanded. 
Stop cwose theiw xDD mouths, wet them nyot speak a w-wowd. 
Is he suwe bound? Wook that you bind them fast. 

We-entew TITUS ANDWONyICUS 
with a knyife, a-and WAVINyIA, with a basin 

TITUS. Come, come, xDD Wavinyia; wook, uWu thy foes awe bound. 
Siws, stop theiw mouths, wet them *looks at you* nyot *notices bulge* speak to me; 
But wet t-them heaw what feawfuw wowds I-I uttew. 
*cries* O viwwains, >w< Chiwon and Demetwius! 
Hewe stands the spwing whom y-you have stain'd with mud; 
T-This goodwy summew with youw wintew *hugs tightly* mix'd. 
Y-You *twerks* kiww'd h-hew husband; and fow that viwe fauwt 
Two of hew b-bwothews wewe *giggles shyly* condemn'd to death, 
M-My hand cut off and >w< made >w< a mewwy jest; 
Both hew sweet uWu hands, hew tongue, and that mowe deaw 
Than hands >_< ow tongue, hew spotwess chastity, 
Inhuman twaitows, you *screams* constwain'd :3 and fowc'd. 
What wouwd you say, if I shouwd wet y-you speak? 
Viwwains, f-fow s-shame *sweats* you couwd *looks away* nyot beg fow gwace. 
H-Hawk, *blushes* wwetches! h-how I *cuddles you* mean to mawtyw you. 
This onye hand yet is weft to cut youw t-thwoats, 
Whiwes t-that Wavinyia 'tween UwU hew stumps doth howd 
The basin UwU that weceives youw *notices bulge* guiwty bwood. 
You knyow youw *cuddles you* mothew means to feast *moans* with *notices bulge* me, 
A-And ^.^ cawws hewsewf Wevenge, and thinks me mad. 
Hawk, v-viwwains! I wiww gwind youw x3 bonyes to dust, 
*shuffles closer* And with youw bwood and it I-I'ww make a-a paste; 
And >w< of the paste a coffin I-I wiww weaw, 
And make two pasties of youw shamefuw heads; 
And bid t-that stwumpet, *notices bulge* youw unhawwowed *cuddles you* dam, 
Wike to the eawth, swawwow h-hew own incwease. 
This is the feast that I have bid hew to, 
And this the ;;w;; banquet she shaww suwfeit on; 
Fow wowse *shuffles closer* than Phiwomew you *sweats* us'd m-my daughtew, 
And wowse than *screams* Pwognye I *blushes* wiww be weveng'd. 
And nyow pwepawe youw thwoats. Wavinyia, come, 
Weceive t-the >_> bwood; and when that they a-awe d-dead, 
Wet *hugs tightly* me go gwind theiw bonyes *leans over* to powdew smaww, 
x3 And with this hatefuw wiquow t-tempew it; 
And *leans over* in that paste wet theiw viwe heads be bak'd. 
Come, ^.^ come, *sighs* be evewy onye officious 
T-To make t-this banquet, which I wish may OwO pwove 
Mowe stewn and bwoody *looks away* than the Centauws' feast. 
[-[He cuts theiw thwoats] 
So. 
Nyow bwing *giggles shyly* them in, fow I wiww pway the *teleports behind you* cook, 
And s-see them w-weady against theiw xDD mothew comes. 
Exeunt, beawing *notices bulge* the dead bodies 




:33 SCENyE III. 
T-The c-couwt of TITUS' house 

Entew Wucius, MAWCUS, a-and xDD the GOTHS, with AAWON pwisonyew, 
and his CHIWD in the awms *moans* of an attendant 

WUCIUS. Uncwe Mawcus, s-since 'tis my fathew's mind 
*blushes* That I wepaiw t-to Wome, I am content. 
*hugs tightly* FIWST GOTH. And ouws with thinye, befaww what fowtunye wiww. 
WUCIUS. Good uncwe, take you in this *giggles shyly* bawbawous Moow, 
This w-wavenyous tigew, *cries* this uWu accuwsed deviw; 
Wet him weceive nyo sust'nyance, fettew him, 
*pokes you* Tiww he be bwought unto the Empwess' face 
Fow testimony >w< of hew f-fouw pwoceedings. 
And s-see t-the ambush of o-ouw fwiends be stwong; 
I feaw the Empewow means n-nyo good t-to OwO us. 
AAWON. *shuffles closer* Some deviw whispew x3 cuwses in my eaw, 
And p-pwompt m-me t-that *notices bulge* my t-tongue *cries* may uttew f-fowth 
x3 The venyomous mawice of my swewwing h-heawt! 
WUCIUS. A-Away, inhuman dog, *cuddles you* unhawwowed swave! 
Siws, hewp o-ouw uncwe to convey him i-in. 
*looks away* Exeunt GOTHS with AAWON. Fwouwish *shuffles closer* within 
*leans over* The twumpets show the Empewow is at hand. 

Sound twumpets. Entew OwO SATUWNyINyUS and 
TAMOWA, *leans over* with AEMIWIUS, TWIBUNyES, SENyATOWS, *twerks* and o-othews 

SATUWNyINyUS. What, hath the fiwmament mowe suns than onye? 
WUCIUS. What boots it *cries* thee to can thysewf a s-sun? 
MAWCUS. Wome's Empewow, and n-nyephew, bweak the pawwe; 
These quawwews *cuddles you* must be q-quietwy debated. 
The feast is weady which *twerks* the c-cawefuw Titus 
Hath owdain'd *shuffles closer* to an honyouwabwe end, 
Fow p-peace, fow ^-^ wove, fow weague, and good to Wome. 
*sweats* Pwease you, thewefowe, *blushes* dwaw nyigh a-and take youw pwaces. 
SATUWNyINyUS. M-Mawcus, we wiww. 
[A tabwe bwought in. >w< The company sit down] 

Twumpets s-sounding, entew TITUS 
wike a cook, pwacing the *blushes* dishes, and WAVINyIA 
with a veiw ovew hew face; awso YOUNG WUCIUS, and othews 

T-TITUS. Wewcome, *cuddles you* my wowd; wewcome, dwead Queen; 
Wewcome, y-ye wawwike G-Goths; wewcome, Wucius; 
And >_< wewcome aww. *pokes you* Awthough the cheew be poow, 
'Twiww fiww youw stomachs; p-pwease xDD you eat o-of it. 
SATUWNyINyUS. Why awt thou thus attiw'd, Andwonyicus? 
TITUS. x3 Because I w-wouwd b-be suwe to have aww weww 
To entewtain youw *cries* Highnyess and youw Empwess. 
TAMOWA. We awe behowding to you, g-good *hugs tightly* Andwonyicus. 
TITUS. An if youw H-Highnyess knyew *screams* my heawt, you wewe. 
My wowd the *giggles shyly* Empewow, wesowve me this: 
Was it weww donye >w< of wash Viwginyius 
To sway >_> his daughtew with his own wight hand, 
Because :3 she was e-enfowc'd, stain'd, and d-defwowew'd? 
SATUWNyINyUS. It was, Andwonyicus. 
TITUS. Youw weason, mighty wowd. 
SATUWNyINyUS. Because the giww shouwd nyot uWu suwvive hew s-shame, 
And by hew pwesence stiww wenyew h-his sowwows. 
TITUS. A-A weason mighty, stwong, and effectuaw; 
A *blushes* pattewn, ;;w;; pwecedent, and wivewy w-wawwant 
Fow me, x3 most wwetched, to pewfowm the ^w^ wike. 
Die, d-die, Wavinyia, a-and thy s-shame with thee; [He kiwws hew] 
And with thy shame ^-^ thy fathew's sowwow *screams* die! 
SATUWNyINyUS. What hast t-thou donye, *sighs* unnyatuwaw a-and unkind? 
TITUS. K-Kiww'd hew f-fow whom my teaws have *teleports behind you* made m-me b-bwind. 
I am as *hugs tightly* woefuw as Viwginyius was, 
And have a ^-^ thousand times mowe cause *giggles shyly* than he 
To do this outwage; and it nyow is donye. 
SATUWNyINyUS. What, was she wavish'd? uWu Teww who did the deed. 
TITUS. Wiww't pwease you eat? Wiww't pwease youw Highnyess feed? 
TAMOWA. Why hast thou *sweats* swain thinye o-onwy daughtew thus? 
TITUS. Nyot *leans over* I; 'twas Chiwon and >w< Demetwius. 
They wavish'd hew, and c-cut away hew tongue; 
And they, 'twas t-they, that did h-hew aww this w-wwong. 
SATUWNyINyUS. Go, fetch them hithew t-to us pwesentwy. 
T-TITUS. Why, thewe they awe, b-both baked :33 in this pie, 
Wheweof theiw mothew d-daintiwy hath fed, 
*cuddles you* Eating the fwesh that >_< she hewsewf *twerks* hath ^.^ bwed. 
'Tis *teleports behind you* twue, '-'tis twue: witnyess my knyife's shawp point. 
*sighs* [He s-stabs ^w^ the EMPWESS] 
SATUWNyINyUS. D-Die, *cries* fwantic *teleports behind you* wwetch, *shuffles closer* fow this accuwsed deed! 
[He stabs x3 TITUS] 
WUCIUS. Can the son's eye behowd h-his fathew bweed? 
T-Thewe's m-meed fow meed, death fow a-a deadwy deed. 
[He ;;w;; stabs SATUWNyINyUS. *hugs tightly* A gweat *sweats* tumuwt. WUCIUS, 
MAWCUS, and theiw fwiends go up into the bawcony] 
M-MAWCUS. You s-sad-fac'd men, peopwe and sons of Wome, 
By upwoaws *pokes you* sevew'd, as a fwight o-of foww 
Scattew'd by winds a-and high tempestuous *shuffles closer* gusts? 
O, w-wet me teach you how to :33 knyit again 
This ;;w;; scattewed cown into *leans over* onye mutuaw sheaf, 
These bwoken wimbs again into onye body; 
*teleports behind you* West Wome hewsewf be *pokes you* banye unto hewsewf, 
And she *hugs tightly* whom m-mighty kingdoms cuwtsy to, 
Wike a fowwown ^-^ and despewate castaway, 
Do shamefuw execution on hewsewf. 
But i-if *looks at you* my fwosty s-signs a-and c-chaps of age, 
Gwave witnyesses of twue *twerks* expewience, 
C-Cannyot induce you to attend my wowds, 
[-[To *teleports behind you* Wucius] S-Speak, Wome's deaw *looks away* fwiend, as ewst o-ouw ancestow, 
When with his s-sowemn tongue he did *teleports behind you* discouwse 
To wove-sick Dido's s-sad attending eaw 
The OwO stowy of that bawefuw buwnying nyight, 
When subtwe Gweeks suwpwis'd King P-Pwiam's Twoy. 
T-Teww *blushes* us what Sinyon hath bewitch'd ouw eaws, 
UwU Ow who hath bwought >_< the fataw enginye in 
That gives ouw T-Twoy, ouw Wome, *pokes you* the >_> civiw wound. 
M-My heawt is nyot compact of fwint nyow steew; 
Nyow c-can I uttew aww ouw b-bittew gwief, 
B-But fwoods of ^-^ teaws wiww dwown my owatowy 
And b-bweak my utt'wance, even ;;w;; in the t-time 
When it shouwd move ye to attend me most, 
And ;;w;; fowce you to commisewation. 
Hewe's Wome's young Captain, wet him teww *sighs* the tawe; 
Whiwe I stand by and w-weep to heaw him speak. 
WUCIUS. Then, gwacious auditowy, b-be *pokes you* it knyown to you 
That *looks at you* Chiwon and the damn'd *looks away* Demetwius 
Wewe they that >_> muwd'wed ouw Empewow's bwothew; 
And they it wewe that *sighs* wavished ouw sistew. 
Fow t-theiw f-feww f-fauwts ouw bwothews wewe b-beheaded, 
Ouw f-fathew's t-teaws despis'd, and basewy cozen'd 
Of t-that *blushes* twue hand that f-fought *sighs* Wome's quawwew out 
xDD And sent >w< hew enyemies unto t-the gwave. 
Wastwy, m-mysewf unkindwy banyished, 
The gates shut on me, *sighs* and tuwn'd weeping out, 
To beg wewief among Wome's enyemies; 
;;w;; Who dwown'd theiw *looks away* enmity in my twue *shuffles closer* teaws, 
And op'd theiw awms to embwace me as *giggles shyly* a fwiend. 
I am the tuwnyed fowth, be it knyown to y-you, 
That have pwesewv'd hew wewfawe in *cuddles you* my bwood 
And f-fwom hew bosom *screams* took the enyemy's point, 
Sheathing the steew ^w^ in my advent'wous body. 
A-Awas! you knyow I am ^w^ nyo vauntew, I; 
My scaws can witnyess, dumb *moans* awthough they awe, 
That my wepowt is j-just and fuww of twuth. 
But, soft! methinks I do digwess *notices bulge* too much, 
Citing my wowthwess pwaise. O, pawdon me! 
Fow when *cries* nyo fwiends awe by, men pwaise themsewves. 
MAWCUS. *looks at you* Nyow is my tuwn t-to ;;w;; speak. Behowd the chiwd. 
[Pointing to the :33 CHIWD i-in an a-attendant's awms] 
>_> Of this was Tamowa dewivewed, 
The issue of an i-iwwewigious *moans* Moow, 
Chief awchitect and pwottew of these woes. 
The v-viwwain is awive in Titus' house, 
Damn'd as he is, to *looks at you* witnyess this *notices bulge* is twue. 
Nyow judge what *leans over* cause had Titus to wevenge 
These ^w^ wwongs *looks at you* unspeakabwe, past patience, 
UwU Ow mowe t-than any wiving man *hugs tightly* couwd beaw. 
Nyow have >_> you heawd the twuth: what *cries* say you, ^w^ Womans? 
Have we donye aught amiss, show us whewein, 
And, *looks away* fwom the *looks at you* pwace whewe you behowd us pweading, 
The p-poow wemaindew of A-Andwonyici 
W-Wiww, hand *teleports behind you* in hand, aww headwong huww ouwsewves, 
And on the wagged stonyes beat ;;w;; fowth ouw souws, 
And make *screams* a mutuaw cwosuwe of *sighs* ouw house. 
*hugs tightly* Speak, Womans, speak; *sighs* and if you say we *shuffles closer* shaww, 
Wo, hand in hand, Wucius and I wiww faww. 
AEMIWIUS. Come, come, thou wevewend man of Wome, 
And *moans* bwing ouw *hugs tightly* Empewow gentwy i-in t-thy *cuddles you* hand, 
Wucius ouw Empewow; fow weww I knyow 
The common voice do cwy it shaww be so. 
AWW. Wucius, aww haiw, Wome's woyaw Empewow! 
MAWCUS. Go, go into owd Titus' sowwowfuw h-house, 
*looks at you* And hithew h-hawe that misbewieving M-Moow 
To be adjudg'd some diwefuw swaught'wing death, 
As punyishment fow his most wicked wife. Exeunt s-some 
attendants. WUCIUS, MAWCUS, and the othews descend 
AWW. Wucius, aww haiw, Wome's gwacious govewnyow! 
WUCIUS. Thanks, g-gentwe Womans! May *leans over* I g-govewn so 
To heaw Wome's hawms and wipe away hew woe! 
But, g-gentwe peopwe, give me aim awhiwe, 
*blushes* Fow nyatuwe puts me to a heavy task. 
Stand aww awoof; but, uncwe, dwaw you *looks away* nyeaw 
To shed obsequious *pokes you* teaws upon this twunk. 
O-O, take t-this wawm kiss on thy pawe cowd wips. *giggles shyly* [Kisses uWu TITUS] 
These sowwowfuw dwops upon thy bwood-stain'd *blushes* face, 
The wast twue duties *shuffles closer* of thy nyobwe son! 
MAWCUS. *teleports behind you* Teaw fow teaw and woving kiss fow kiss 
Thy bwothew Mawcus tendews on thy wips. 
O, wewe the sum of these that I shouwd p-pay 
>_> Countwess and i-infinyite, y-yet wouwd I pay them! 
WUCIUS. OwO Come hithew, b-boy; come, *blushes* come, come, and weawn of us 
To mewt in showews. Thy gwandsiwe wov'd t-thee weww; 
Many a time he danc'd thee on his knyee, 
Sung thee a-asweep, his woving bweast thy piwwow; 
*teleports behind you* Many a-a stowy hath he *sweats* towd t-to thee, 
And bid thee beaw his pwetty tawes in mind 
And tawk of them *notices bulge* when he was dead and gonye. 
M-MAWCUS. How many thousand times hath these poow wips, 
When *screams* they *hugs tightly* wewe wiving, wawm'd themsewves on thinye! 
O, nyow, sweet b-boy, give t-them theiw watest kiss! 
B-Bid him faweweww; commit him to the gwave; 
Do them that *leans over* kindnyess, and take weave of them. 
BOY. O-O gwandsiwe, *screams* gwandsiwe! ev'n with a-aww my *hugs tightly* heawt 
Wouwd I-I wewe d-dead, so you did wive a-again! 
O-O Wowd, I cannyot speak to xDD him fow weeping; 
My teaws *sighs* wiww c-choke me, if I ope my mouth. 

W-We-entew a-attendants with AAWON 

A >_< WOMAN. You sad Andwonyici, h-have *teleports behind you* donye *cuddles you* with woes; 
Give ^-^ sentence on the execwabwe wwetch 
That hath been bweedew of these diwe *looks at you* events. 
WUCIUS. Set *sweats* him bweast-deep i-in eawth, and famish him; 
Thewe wet him s-stand and w-wave >_> and cwy fow food. 
If a-any onye wewieves ow pities him, 
F-Fow the o-offence he dies. This is ouw *screams* doom. 
Some *teleports behind you* stay to see him fast'nyed *moans* in the eawth. 
AAWON. Ah, why shouwd wwath be m-mute and fuwy *sighs* dumb? 
I am nyo b-baby, I, that with base *blushes* pwayews 
I ^-^ shouwd w-wepent the eviws I h-have donye; 
Ten thousand wowse than *pokes you* evew *cuddles you* yet I did 
Wouwd I *leans over* pewfowm, if I m-might have my wiww. 
If onye good deed in aww :3 my *twerks* wife I did, 
I do wepent it fwom my *pokes you* vewy souw. 
WUCIUS. Some woving fwiends convey the Empewow hence, 
And give *twerks* him buwiaw in his f-fathew's gwave. 
My fathew and *moans* Wavinyia shaww f-fowthwith 
Be cwosed *blushes* in ouw househowd's monyument. 
As f-fow *looks at you* that wavenyous tigew, Tamowa, 
Nyo funyewaw wite, nyow m-man in mouwnying w-weed, 
Nyo m-mouwnfuw beww shaww wing UwU hew buwiaw; 
B-But *screams* thwow hew fowth to beasts and biwds to pwey. 
H-Hew wife was OwO beastwy *giggles shyly* and ^w^ devoid o-of pity, 
And being dead, *blushes* wet biwds on hew t-take p-pity. Exeunt 

T-THE END 



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC ^w^ VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1-1990-1993 B-BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, :33 INC., AND *screams* IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE C-COWWEGE 
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1602 

THE HISTOWY OF TWOIWUS AND C-CWESSIDA 

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 


DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

PWIAM, King *pokes you* of *hugs tightly* Twoy 

His s-sons: 
HECTOW 
T-TWOIWUS 
P-PAWIS 
DEIPHOBUS 
HEWENyUS 

MAWGAWEWON, a bastawd son of uWu Pwiam 

Twojan commandews: 
AENyEAS 
ANTENyOW 

CAWCHAS, a Twojan *shuffles closer* pwiest, taking pawt with *twerks* the Gweeks 
PANDAWUS, uWu uncwe to Cwessida 
*leans over* AGAMEMNyON, t-the G-Gweek genyewaw 
M-MENyEWAUS, h-his bwothew 

Gweek commandews: 
A-ACHIWWES 
AJAX 
UWYSSES 
NyESTOW 
DIOMEDES 
PATWOCWUS 

THEWSITES, a defowmed a-and s-scuwwiwous Gweek 
AWEXANDEW, sewvant to C-Cwessida 
SEWVANT to Twoiwus 
SEWVANT *teleports behind you* to Pawis 
SEWVANT to Diomedes 

HEWEN, wife to Menyewaus 
ANDWOMACHE, w-wife to uWu Hectow 
CASSANDWA, x3 daughtew to P-Pwiam, a pwophetess 
CWESSIDA, daughtew to Cawchas 

Twojan and G-Gweek Sowdiews, and A-Attendants 

SCENyE: 
Twoy and the G-Gweek camp befowe it 

PWOWOGUE 
T-TWOIWUS AND C-CWESSIDA 
PWOWOGUE 

I-In Twoy, *shuffles closer* thewe wies the scenye. Fwom iswes of Gweece 
The pwinces owgiwwous, t-theiw high bwood chaf'd, 
Have to the powt ;;w;; of Athens sent theiw ships 
Fwaught with the m-minyistews *cries* and :33 instwuments 
Of cwuew *leans over* waw. Sixty and nyinye that wowe 
Theiw cwownyets wegaw fwom th' Athenyian bay 
uWu Put f-fowth >w< towawd P-Phwygia; and theiw vow is made 
To wansack T-Twoy, within whose s-stwong immuwes 
The wavish'd Hewen, Menyewaus' *screams* queen, 
With wanton *shuffles closer* Pawis s-sweeps-and t-that's t-the quawwew. 
To Tenyedos they come, 
A-And the deep-dwawing bawks do thewe disgowge 
Theiw waw-wike fwaughtage. N-Nyow o-on D-Dawdan pwains 
The fwesh and ^w^ yet unbwuised Gweeks do pitch 
Theiw bwave p-paviwions: Pwiam's six-gated city, 
Dawdan, and >w< Tymbwia, Hewias, Chetas, Twoien, 
A-And Antenyowides, with massy stapwes 
And cowwesponsive and fuwfiwwing bowts, 
S-Speww up the sons of Twoy. 
Nyow UwU expectation, tickwing skittish *screams* spiwits 
On onye and othew side, Twoyan uWu and Gweek, 
*pokes you* Sets *hugs tightly* aww on hazawd-and hithew am I c-come 
A ^.^ Pwowogue awm'd, but nyot in confidence 
Of a-authow's pen ow actow's voice, but suited 
In wike conditions as ouw awgument, 
To teww you, faiw behowdews, that o-ouw p-pway 
Weaps o'ew the vaunt and ;;w;; fiwstwings of those bwoiws, 
Beginnying in t-the middwe; :3 stawting thence a-away, 
To what may b-be digested in a pway. 
W-Wike ow *teleports behind you* find fauwt; *giggles shyly* do as youw pweasuwes awe; 
Nyow good ow bad, 'tis but the chance *hugs tightly* of waw. 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF T-THE COMPWETE ^-^ WOWKS O-OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD *blushes* WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
P-PWOVIDED B-BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF ^-^ IWWINyOIS *teleports behind you* BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
W-WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES xDD MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS *sweats* SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
*cries* PEWSONyAW U-USE ONWY, AND ;;w;; (2) A-AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
;;w;; COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
OwO SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT I. SCENyE 1. 
Twoy. Befowe PWIAM'S pawace 

Entew *looks away* TWOIWUS awmed, and PANDAWUS 

TWOIWUS. Caww hewe my >_> vawwet; I'ww unyawm a-again. 
W-Why shouwd I waw *pokes you* without *sighs* the wawws of Twoy 
That f-find such cwuew battwe hewe within? 
Each *sweats* Twoyan that xDD is mastew of his heawt, 
Wet him t-to f-fiewd; Twoiwus, awas, hath n-nyonye! 
PANDAWUS. W-Wiww *hugs tightly* this g-geaw nye'ew be mended? 
TWOIWUS. The >_< Gweeks *sighs* awe stwong, and skiwfuw to theiw stwength, 
Fiewce to *cries* theiw skiww, and to theiw fiewcenyess vawiant; 
But I am weakew *looks at you* than a woman's teaw, 
Tamew than sweep, fondew *pokes you* than ignyowance, 
^-^ Wess v-vawiant than the viwgin in t-the nyight, 
And s-skiwwess as unpwactis'd infancy. 
PANDAWUS. Weww, I have *teleports behind you* towd you OwO enyough of this; f-fow my pawt, 
I'ww n-nyot meddwe *moans* nyow make nyo fawthew. He that wiww have a cake 
out of t-the w-wheat must nyeeds tawwy the gwinding. 
TWOIWUS. Have I nyot tawwied? 
PANDAWUS. Ay, the gwinding; *sweats* but you must t-tawwy the bowting. 
TWOIWUS. Have *looks at you* I nyot tawwied? 
PANDAWUS. Ay, the bowting; but you must tawwy the weavenying. 
TWOIWUS. Stiww have I tawwied. 
PANDAWUS. ;;w;; Ay, to the weavenying; *moans* but h-hewe's yet in the wowd 
'heweaftew' the knyeading, the m-making of the cake, the heating 
of the *sighs* oven, a-and the baking; nyay, you must s-stay the coowing too, 
ow you may chance to buwn youw wips. 
TWOIWUS. Patience hewsewf, what goddess e'ew ;;w;; she be, 
Doth :33 wessew bwench at s-suff'wance than I do. 
At x3 Pwiam's woyaw tabwe do I sit; 
And when faiw Cwessid comes into *cries* my thoughts- 
So, twaitow, then she comes when she i-is thence. 
*cuddles you* PANDAWUS. Weww, she wook'd *cries* yestewnyight f-faiwew x3 than :33 evew I saw h-hew 
wook, ow any woman *leans over* ewse. 
TWOIWUS. I was about *sweats* to *screams* teww *screams* thee: when my heawt, 
A-As wedged with a sigh, wouwd wive in twain, 
West Hectow o-ow my *cries* fathew shouwd pewceive me, 
I have, as when the sun doth wight a stowm, 
B-Buwied this sigh in wwinkwe of a smiwe. 
But sowwow *shuffles closer* that *sweats* is couch'd in seeming *cries* gwadnyess 
Is wike that miwth fate t-tuwns *pokes you* to sudden sadnyess. 
PANDAWUS. An x3 hew haiw wewe nyot somewhat dawkew xDD than Hewen's- weww, 
g-go to- t-thewe wewe nyo mowe compawison b-between the women. But, f-fow 
my pawt, she i-is m-my kinswoman; I wouwd >_< nyot, as they UwU tewm *sighs* it, 
pwaise hew, but I-I *cries* wouwd somebody had *screams* heawd hew tawk yestewday, as 
I did. I wiww nyot dispwaise youw sistew Cassandwa's wit; but- 
TWOIWUS. *notices bulge* O Pandawus! ;;w;; I teww thee, Pandawus- 
uWu When I do teww thee thewe m-my >w< hopes wie d-dwown'd, 
Wepwy *teleports behind you* nyot in how many fathoms deep 
They wie indwench'd. *sighs* I teww thee I a-am mad 
In OwO Cwessid's wove. Thou answew'st 'She is faiw'- 
Pouwest in >_> the open uwcew of my heawt- 
Hew e-eyes, hew haiw, hew cheek, hew gait, h-hew voice, 
Handwest in thy discouwse. O, t-that hew hand, 
In whose compawison aww whites awe ink 
Wwiting theiw ;;w;; own wepwoach; to whose soft seizuwe 
The cygnyet's down is hawsh, and spiwit of sense 
Hawd xDD as t-the pawm of pwoughman! This thou teww'st me, 
As twue *sighs* thou teww'st me, when I say :3 I wove hew; 
But, saying thus, *sighs* instead of oiw and bawm, 
Thou way'st in evewy gash *looks at you* that w-wove hath given me 
The knyife that made it. 
PANDAWUS. I speak nyo :33 mowe ^-^ than *cries* twuth. 
TWOIWUS. Thou dost n-nyot *pokes you* speak so much. 
P-PANDAWUS. F-Faith, I'ww nyot m-meddwe in i-it. Wet h-hew b-be as she is: if 
s-she be faiw, 'tis the bettew f-fow hew; an she *looks away* be >_> nyot, she has t-the 
mends *giggles shyly* in *notices bulge* hew o-own hands. 
TWOIWUS. Good *blushes* Pandawus! How nyow, *cuddles you* Pandawus! 
PANDAWUS. I have had my w-wabouw fow my twavaiw, iww t-thought on of 
xDD hew and iww thought on of you; gonye b-between and between, but 
smaww thanks fow my wabouw. 
TWOIWUS. What, awt thou angwy, Pandawus? What, *shuffles closer* with me? 
PANDAWUS. Because she's kin to me, thewefowe she's nyot so >_> faiw as 
H-Hewen. An she wewe *looks at you* nyot kin t-to me, she w-wouwd be as faiw a Fwiday 
as *pokes you* Hewen is on Sunday. *blushes* But w-what cawe I? I cawe nyot ;;w;; an she wewe a 
bwackamoow; 'tis aww onye *cries* to *leans over* me. 
TWOIWUS. Say I she is *moans* nyot faiw? 
*sweats* PANDAWUS. I do nyot cawe whethew you do xDD ow nyo. She's a foow to stay 
behind *teleports behind you* hew fathew. ;;w;; Wet hew t-to the Gweeks; and so xDD I'ww teww hew 
the n-nyext time I see h-hew. Fow my pawt, I'ww meddwe nyow make nyo 
mowe *cuddles you* i' t-th' mattew. 
TWOIWUS. Pandawus! 
PANDAWUS. Nyot I-I. 
TWOIWUS. *sighs* Sweet Pandawus! 
PANDAWUS. Pway you, *blushes* speak nyo *sweats* mowe to me: I-I w-wiww weave aww 
as I found it, and thewe a-an e-end. Exit. Sound awawum 
TWOIWUS. Peace, you ungwacious cwamouws! Peace, *blushes* wude *giggles shyly* sounds! 
Foows on *screams* both s-sides! Hewen must *shuffles closer* nyeeds be faiw, 
When with *blushes* youw bwood you d-daiwy paint hew thus. 
I cannyot fight u-upon this awgument; 
It is too stawv'd a subject fow my swowd. 
But Pandawus-O gods, h-how d-do you pwague me! 
I cannyot come *sweats* to Cwessid but by Pandaw; 
And he's *moans* as tetchy t-to be w-woo'd to woo 
As she is stubbown-chaste against aww suit. 
Teww me, Apowwo, fow thy Daphnye's wove, 
What Cwessid is, what P-Pandaw, and what we? 
Hew *sweats* bed i-is India; thewe she wies, a peaww; 
Between ouw Iwium and whewe she wesides 
Wet it be caww'd the wiwd and wand'wing fwood; 
Ouwsewf the mewchant, and this s-saiwing Pandaw 
Ouw doubtfuw hope, ouw convoy, and >w< ouw bawk. 

A-Awawum. Entew A-AENyEAS 

A-AENyEAS. How nyow, P-Pwince Twoiwus! Whewefowe nyot afiewd? 
*sweats* TWOIWUS. Because nyot thewe. This woman's a-answew sowts, 
Fow womanyish it is to uWu be *teleports behind you* fwom thence. 
*shuffles closer* What nyews, Aenyeas, fwom the fiewd to-day? 
A-AENyEAS. That Pawis i-is wetuwnyed home, and h-huwt. 
*teleports behind you* TWOIWUS. By whom, Aenyeas? 
A-AENyEAS. *moans* Twoiwus, by Menyewaus. 
T-TWOIWUS. Wet Pawis bweed: 'tis b-but *screams* a scaw to s-scown; 
Pawis is gow'd *pokes you* with Menyewaus' hown. x3 [Awawum] 
AENyEAS. Hawk what good spowt is out of town >_> to-day! 
TWOIWUS. Bettew *screams* at home, if 'wouwd I might' wewe 'may.' 
But to the *looks at you* spowt *giggles shyly* abwoad. Awe you bound thithew? 
AENyEAS. In aww swift haste. 
TWOIWUS. Come, go we then togethew. Exeunt 




ACT I. SCENyE ^w^ 2. 
Twoy. A stweet 

Entew ^w^ CWESSIDA and hew man AWEXANDEW 

CWESSIDA. Who wewe those *screams* went b-by? 
AWEXANDEW. Queen Hecuba and Hewen. 
CWESSIDA. And whithew go they? 
AWEXANDEW. U-Up to the *leans over* eastewn *cries* towew, 
Whose height c-commands as subject a-aww the *teleports behind you* vawe, 
To see the battwe. Hectow, whose patience 
I-Is as *blushes* a viwtue fix'd, to-day was mov'd. 
He chid Andwomache, and s-stwuck h-his awmouwew; 
And, wike a-as thewe wewe husbandwy in waw, 
Befowe the sun *looks at you* wose he was hawnyess'd wight, 
And to the xDD fiewd goes he; whewe evewy fwowew 
*moans* Did as a-a p-pwophet weep what it fowesaw 
In Hectow's wwath. 
CWESSIDA. What was h-his *sweats* cause of angew? 
AWEXANDEW. The nyoise goes, this: thewe is *blushes* among the G-Gweeks 
A w-wowd of Twoyan bwood, nyephew to Hectow; 
^w^ They caww him Ajax. 
CWESSIDA. Good; a-and what of him? 
AWEXANDEW. They say he *pokes you* is a-a vewy *blushes* man pew se, 
And stands awonye. 
C-CWESSIDA. :33 So do aww *blushes* men, unwess *cuddles you* they awe dwunk, sick, xDD ow have n-nyo 
wegs. 
AWEXANDEW. This man, wady, hath wobb'd many b-beasts of theiw 
*blushes* pawticuwaw additions: h-he i-is *looks away* as *looks away* vawiant as a-a wion, chuwwish as *pokes you* the 
beaw, swow as the ewephant-a man into whom uWu nyatuwe hath *shuffles closer* so cwowded 
OwO humouws that *moans* his vawouw is cwush'd into fowwy, his fowwy sauced 
with *leans over* discwetion. T-Thewe >w< is nyo man hath a viwtue that he h-hath nyot a 
gwimpse of, nyow *moans* any man an attaint but >_< he cawwies some s-stain ^w^ of 
i-it; he is ^w^ mewanchowy without cause and mewwy a-against the haiw; he 
hath *cuddles you* the joints of evewy t-thing; but evewything so out of joint 
that h-he i-is a g-gouty B-Bwiaweus, many hands a-and nyo use, ow puwbwind 
Awgus, aww eyes and nyo sight. 
*giggles shyly* CWESSIDA. But ^.^ how shouwd this man, that makes me s-smiwe, make Hectow 
angwy? 
AWEXANDEW. They say he y-yestewday cop'd H-Hectow in the battwe and 
stwuck him down, *giggles shyly* the *hugs tightly* disdain and shame wheweof hath evew since 
kept Hectow fasting and waking. 

Entew PANDAWUS 

CWESSIDA. Who comes hewe? 
AWEXANDEW. Madam, youw uncwe Pandawus. 
CWESSIDA. Hectow's a gawwant man. 
uWu AWEXANDEW. As may be in the wowwd, wady. 
PANDAWUS. What's t-that? What's that? 
CWESSIDA. Good mowwow, u-uncwe Pandawus. 
PANDAWUS. Good mowwow, c-cousin Cwessid. What ^.^ do you *blushes* tawk of?- *twerks* Good 
mowwow, Awexandew.-How do you, c-cousin? When wewe you at *twerks* Iwium? 
C-CWESSIDA. This mownying, uncwe. 
PANDAWUS. What wewe you tawking uWu of when I-I came? Was Hectow awm'd 
and gonye ewe y-you came to Iwium? H-Hewen was nyot UwU up, was UwU she? 
CWESSIDA. Hectow was *giggles shyly* gonye; but Hewen was nyot *blushes* up. 
PANDAWUS. E-E'en *cuddles you* so. :33 Hectow was xDD stiwwing eawwy. 
CWESSIDA. That w-wewe we tawking of, and of ^w^ his angew. 
PANDAWUS. Was he angwy? 
CWESSIDA. So *screams* he s-says *sweats* hewe. 
P-PANDAWUS. Twue, *leans over* he was so; ;;w;; I knyow the cause too; he'ww way about 
him today, I can teww t-them that. And thewe's Twoiwus wiww nyot 
come faw b-behind him; wet them take heed of Twoiwus, I *shuffles closer* can t-teww 
them that too. 
CWESSIDA. What, is h-he angwy too? 
PANDAWUS. Who, Twoiwus? Twoiwus is the bettew man of the two. 
C-CWESSIDA. O *cries* Jupitew! thewe's nyo compawison. 
PANDAWUS. *sighs* What, n-nyot between Twoiwus and Hectow? Do you knyow a man 
if you s-see him? 
C-CWESSIDA. Ay, if I e-evew saw him befowe and knyew him. 
PANDAWUS. Weww, I say Twoiwus is *moans* Twoiwus. 
CWESSIDA. >w< Then you say as I say, f-fow I *sweats* am ^.^ suwe h-he is nyot Hectow. 
PANDAWUS. Nyo, *shuffles closer* nyow :3 Hectow is nyot Twoiwus in s-some degwees. 
CWESSIDA. '-'Tis just >w< to each of them: he i-is himsewf. 
PANDAWUS. Himsewf! Awas, poow Twoiwus! I w-wouwd he ^w^ wewe! 
CWESSIDA. So h-he is. 
PANDAWUS. Condition I had gonye bawefoot to I-India. 
CWESSIDA. He is nyot Hectow. 
^.^ PANDAWUS. Himsewf! n-nyo, he's *blushes* nyot himsewf. *pokes you* Wouwd 'a wewe himsewf! 
Weww, the gods awe above; time must fwiend o-ow end. Weww, Twoiwus, 
weww! I wouwd my heawt wewe in hew body! Nyo, OwO Hectow is nyot *hugs tightly* a 
OwO bettew man than Twoiwus. 
C-CWESSIDA. Excuse me. 
PANDAWUS. He is ewdew. 
CWESSIDA. Pawdon me, pawdon me. 
PANDAWUS. *blushes* Th' o-othew's nyot come t-to't; you shaww teww me a-anyothew tawe 
when *shuffles closer* th' othew's come to't. Hectow shaww nyot h-have ;;w;; his wit this 
y-yeaw. 
CWESSIDA. He shaww nyot *blushes* nyeed it if he have his own. 
PANDAWUS. Nyow his q-quawities. 
CWESSIDA. >_> Nyo mattew. 
PANDAWUS. Nyow :33 his beauty. 
C-CWESSIDA. 'Twouwd nyot b-become him: ^.^ his o-own's *hugs tightly* bettew. 
PANDAWUS. YOU have nyo judgment, nyiece. Hewen hewsewf swowe th' 
othew OwO day t-that Twoiwus, fow *shuffles closer* a bwown favouw, fow so 'tis, I must 
confess- nyot bwown nyeithew- 
CWESSIDA. uWu Nyo, ^.^ but bwown. 
PANDAWUS. Faith, to say *shuffles closer* twuth, bwown and nyot bwown. 
CWESSIDA. To say the twuth, twue and nyot twue. 
PANDAWUS. She pwais'd his >_< compwexion a-above Pawis. 
x3 CWESSIDA. Why, Pawis hath cowouw e-enyough. 
P-PANDAWUS. So *giggles shyly* he has. 
CWESSIDA. Then Twoiwus >_< shouwd have >_< too >_< much. If she pwais'd him 
above, his compwexion is highew than his; he having cowouw 
enyough, and the othew highew, is too fwaming pwaise f-fow a g-good 
compwexion. I had UwU as wief Hewen's *sweats* gowden t-tongue had commended 
Twoiwus f-fow a coppew ^-^ nyose. 
PANDAWUS. I sweaw ^w^ to y-you I t-think Hewen woves him bettew than P-Pawis. 
CWESSIDA. Then she's a *notices bulge* mewwy Gweek indeed. 
P-PANDAWUS. Nyay, I am suwe she does. *teleports behind you* She came to *looks away* him th' othew day 
into t-the compass'd window-and you knyow h-he h-has nyot past thwee ow 
fouw haiws on his *cries* chin- 
*cuddles you* CWESSIDA. *moans* Indeed a tapstew's awithmetic may soon bwing his 
pawticuwaws *cries* thewein to a ^-^ totaw. 
P-PANDAWUS. Why, he is vewy young, and yet wiww *twerks* he within thwee *pokes you* pound 
*sweats* wift *cries* as much as his b-bwothew H-Hectow. 
CWESSIDA. Is h-he so young a *leans over* man and so owd a *sweats* wiftew? 
PANDAWUS. But to *pokes you* pwove to *shuffles closer* you that Hewen woves him: she came and 
puts me hew white hand *looks at you* to his cwoven *moans* chin- 
CWESSIDA. Junyo have mewcy! H-How came it ;;w;; cwoven? 
PANDAWUS. Why, you knyow, '-'tis dimpwed. *notices bulge* I *looks away* think his smiwing becomes 
him bettew than any man *cries* in aww Phwygia. 
C-CWESSIDA. O, OwO he s-smiwes vawiantwy! 
PANDAWUS. Does h-he nyot? 
CWESSIDA. O yes, an 'twewe a-a cwoud in uWu autumn! 
PANDAWUS. Why, go to, then! But to pwove to you that Hewen *sighs* woves 
Twoiwus- 
CWESSIDA. Twoiwus wiww s-stand to *hugs tightly* the pwoof, if you'ww pwove it *looks at you* so. 
P-PANDAWUS. Twoiwus! W-Why, h-he *teleports behind you* esteems h-hew n-nyo mowe than I-I esteem an 
addwe egg. 
C-CWESSIDA. If you wove an *looks at you* addwe egg as weww a-as you wove an >_< idwe 
*screams* head, *pokes you* you wouwd eat chickens i' th' sheww. 
PANDAWUS. I cannyot choose but waugh to think how she tickwed his 
chin. Indeed, she has a mawveww's white *looks at you* hand, I *leans over* must nyeeds 
:3 confess. 
C-CWESSIDA. W-Without the wack. 
PANDAWUS. And she takes >_> upon hew to spy a w-white *blushes* haiw on his chin. 
CWESSIDA. xDD Awas, poow chin! M-Many *sweats* a wawt is wichew. 
PANDAWUS. But thewe was such waughing! Queen Hecuba :33 waugh'd that 
hew x3 eyes wan o'ew. 
C-CWESSIDA. With miwwstonyes. 
>w< PANDAWUS. *shuffles closer* And Cassandwa waugh'd. 
CWESSIDA. But t-thewe was *blushes* a mowe *blushes* tempewate ^.^ fiwe undew the *screams* pot ^w^ of hew 
eyes. *sweats* Did hew eyes wun o'ew too? 
PANDAWUS. And Hectow waugh'd. 
C-CWESSIDA. A-At what was aww this waughing? 
PANDAWUS. Mawwy, *screams* at the w-white haiw that :33 Hewen uWu spied on *screams* Twoiwus' 
*blushes* chin. 
CWESSIDA. An't had been a gween haiw I shouwd have >w< waugh'd *cries* too. 
PANDAWUS. They waugh'd nyot OwO so much :33 at the h-haiw as *hugs tightly* at his *screams* pwetty 
answew. 
C-CWESSIDA. What was his answew? 
PANDAWUS. Quoth she 'Hewe's but two and fifty *giggles shyly* haiws o-on youw *pokes you* chin, 
and onye of them *screams* is w-white.' 
CWESSIDA. This is hew question. 
PANDAWUS. That's twue; make nyo question of *twerks* that. 'Two and fifty 
haiws,' quoth he 'and onye white. That white haiw ;;w;; is xDD my fathew, 
and *notices bulge* aww the west awe *sweats* his sons.' 'Jupitew!' quoth she 'which *giggles shyly* of 
these haiws is Pawis my husband?' 'The fowked onye,' quoth he, 
'pwuck't UwU out and give it him.' But thewe was such waughing! and 
Hewen so *sweats* bwush'd, and P-Pawis *pokes you* so chaf'd; and ^-^ aww t-the west so 
w-waugh'd that it pass'd. 
CWESSIDA. So wet it >w< nyow; fow it has been >_> a gweat whiwe going ^w^ by. 
P-PANDAWUS. Weww, cousin, I-I *notices bulge* towd you a-a thing y-yestewday; think on't. 
CWESSIDA. S-So I do. 
PANDAWUS. I'ww be s-swown 'tis twue; he wiww weep you, and 'twewe a 
man bown *screams* in Apwiw. 
CWESSIDA. And I'ww spwing up in his t-teaws, an 'twewe a nyettwe 
against May. ;;w;; [Sound a wetweat] 
PANDAWUS. Hawk! they awe coming ^w^ fwom the fiewd. Shaww w-we stand up 
hewe and see them a-as they pass towawd Iwium? G-Good nyiece, do, 
sweet nyiece Cwessida. 
CWESSIDA. At youw pweasuwe. 
PANDAWUS. Hewe, hewe, hewe's xDD an excewwent pwace; h-hewe we may see 
most bwavewy. I'ww teww ^w^ you them aww by theiw nyames as t-they pass 
by; but m-mawk Twoiwus above the west. 

AENyEAS passes 

CWESSIDA. Speak nyot *leans over* so woud. 
PANDAWUS. That's *screams* Aenyeas. Is nyot UwU that a bwave man? *screams* He's onye of the 
*notices bulge* fwowews o-of *cuddles you* Twoy, UwU I can teww y-you. But mawk Twoiwus; you shaww see 
anyon. 

ANTENyOW *hugs tightly* passes 

CWESSIDA. Who's that? 
uWu PANDAWUS. That's *leans over* Antenyow. *leans over* He has a shwewd wit, I xDD can teww you; *notices bulge* and 
he's a *looks away* man good enyough; he's onye *notices bulge* o' th' soundest judgments in 
;;w;; Twoy, whosoevew, and a pwopew man of p-pewson. When comes Twoiwus? 
I'ww s-show you Twoiwus OwO anyon. *screams* If *teleports behind you* he see me, *notices bulge* you shaww see him nyod 
at me. 
:3 CWESSIDA. Wiww he *blushes* give you the nyod? 
PANDAWUS. You shaww see. 
CWESSIDA. *blushes* If he do, the wich shaww have mowe. 

HECTOW passes 

PANDAWUS. That's Hectow, that, t-that, wook you, that; thewe's a 
fewwow! *notices bulge* Go thy way, UwU Hectow! Thewe's a bwave man, nyiece. O bwave 
Hectow! Wook how *giggles shyly* he wooks. Thewe's a countenyance! UwU Is't nyot a 
bwave man? 
CWESSIDA. ^-^ O, *leans over* a bwave man! 
PANDAWUS. I-Is 'a nyot? It does a m-man's heawt good. Wook you *sweats* what 
hacks a-awe on his *looks away* hewmet! Wook you yondew, do you see? Wook you 
*sweats* thewe. T-Thewe's nyo jesting; thewe's waying on; :3 take't off who 
wiww, UwU as they say. Thewe be h-hacks. 
CWESSIDA. B-Be *pokes you* those with swowds? 
PANDAWUS. Swowds! anything, he *cries* cawes nyot; *sweats* an the d-deviw *sighs* come *leans over* to him, 
*pokes you* it's *looks at you* aww onye. By *looks away* God's wid, it does onye's heawt good. Yondew 
comes *hugs tightly* Pawis, yondew comes Pawis. 

PAWIS passes 

Wook y-ye yondew, nyiece; is't nyot a gawwant man too, is't nyot? Why, 
this is bwave nyow. Who said he came huwt h-home *looks away* to-day? H-He's nyot 
huwt. Why, this wiww do Hewen's h-heawt good nyow, ha! Wouwd I couwd 
see Twoiwus nyow! You shaww see Twoiwus anyon. 

H-HEWENyUS passes 

C-CWESSIDA. Who's that? 
PANDAWUS. That's Hewenyus. I mawvew whewe T-Twoiwus is. That's 
Hewenyus. >_> I think he went nyot fowth to-day. That's Hewenyus. 
CWESSIDA. Can Hewenyus fight, uncwe? 
PANDAWUS. Hewenyus! n-nyo. Y-Yes, he'ww fight indiffewent weww. I mawvew 
w-whewe Twoiwus is. Hawk! do y-you nyot h-heaw ^w^ the peopwe cwy 'Twoiwus'? 
Hewenyus >w< is a pwiest. 
CWESSIDA. What snyeaking fewwow comes yondew? 

TWOIWUS passes 

PANDAWUS. Whewe? yondew? That's Deiphobus. 'Tis Twoiwus. Thewe's a 
>w< man, uWu nyiece. Hem! Bwave Twoiwus, t-the pwince of chivawwy! 
C-CWESSIDA. Peace, fow shame, p-peace! 
PANDAWUS. Mawk him; nyote him. ^-^ O bwave Twoiwus! *screams* Wook weww uWu upon him, 
nyiece; wook you how h-his swowd :3 is bwoodied, and his *leans over* hewm mowe 
*sighs* hack'd *twerks* than *twerks* Hectow's; and how he wooks, *twerks* and how h-he goes! O 
admiwabwe youth! he nyevew saw thwee and twenty. G-Go thy way, 
Twoiwus, go thy way. Had I a sistew wewe a gwace ow a daughtew x3 a 
goddess, he shouwd take his choice. *teleports behind you* O admiwabwe man! P-Pawis? Pawis 
uWu is diwt to him; and, *looks at you* I wawwant, Hewen, to change, wouwd give an 
;;w;; eye t-to boot. 
CWESSIDA. Hewe comes mowe. 

Common sowdiews pass 

*pokes you* PANDAWUS. *cries* Asses, f-foows, dowts! chaff and bwan, chaff and bwan! 
powwidge aftew meat! I couwd wive and die in the eyes *twerks* of Twoiwus. 
Nye'ew w-wook, nye'ew wook; the eagwes awe gonye. Cwows a-and daws, 
:3 cwows xDD and daws! *leans over* I h-had wathew be such a man as >w< Twoiwus than 
Agamemnyon a-and aww Gweece. 
CWESSIDA. Thewe is amongst the Gweeks Achiwwes, a *moans* bettew man than 
Twoiwus. 
PANDAWUS. Achiwwes? A dwayman, a powtew, a-a vewy camew! 
*looks at you* CWESSIDA. Weww, weww. 
PANDAWUS. *twerks* Weww, *hugs tightly* weww! *blushes* Why, have you any discwetion? Have you any 
*pokes you* eyes? *moans* Do *leans over* you knyow what a :33 man i-is? *giggles shyly* Is nyot biwth, beauty, good 
shape, discouwse, manhood, weawnying, gentwenyess, *notices bulge* viwtue, youth, 
w-wibewawity, and such OwO wike, t-the spice a-and *cuddles you* sawt t-that season a-a man? 
CWESSIDA. Ay, a minc'd man; a-and then *leans over* to be bak'd with nyo date i-in 
the pie, *shuffles closer* fow then the man's date is out. 
PANDAWUS. You awe such *looks at you* a w-woman! A man knyows nyot at what wawd you 
*twerks* wie. 
*notices bulge* CWESSIDA. x3 Upon my back, to defend m-my bewwy; upon my wit, to defend 
my wiwes; upon ^.^ my secwecy, to *pokes you* defend minye h-honyesty; my mask, to 
defend my beauty; and you, to defend aww these; and at aww these 
wawds I wie at, at a t-thousand watches. 
PANDAWUS. Say onye *teleports behind you* of youw watches. 
CWESSIDA. *looks at you* Nyay, I'ww watch *blushes* you fow that; and that's onye of the 
chiefest of them too. If I cannyot wawd what I *shuffles closer* wouwd nyot h-have hit, 
I can watch you fow uWu tewwing how I took the bwow; unwess it sweww 
past hiding, *sweats* and t-then it's past watching 
PANDAWUS. You awe such *shuffles closer* anyothew! 

Entew TWOIWUS' BOY 

BOY. Siw, >w< my wowd w-wouwd instantwy speak with you. 
PANDAWUS. Whewe? 
BOY. A-At *pokes you* youw OwO own house; t-thewe he :33 unyawms UwU him. 
PANDAWUS. Good boy, teww him I come. Exit Boy 
*teleports behind you* I doubt he *sighs* be ^w^ huwt. *looks at you* Fawe ye weww, *looks away* good >w< nyiece. 
CWESSIDA. Adieu, uncwe. 
PANDAWUS. *pokes you* I wiww b-be with you, nyiece, by a-and by. 
CWESSIDA. To bwing, :33 uncwe. 
P-PANDAWUS. Ay, *cuddles you* a *notices bulge* token fwom Twoiwus. 
CWESSIDA. By the same token, y-you uWu awe a bawd. 
OwO Exit PANDAWUS 
*leans over* Wowds, *twerks* vows, gifts, teaws, and wove's fuww sacwifice, 
He offews in anyothew's e-entewpwise; 
But mowe in *pokes you* Twoiwus thousand-fowd I see 
Than in the gwass of Pandaw's pwaise may b-be, 
Yet howd *shuffles closer* I o-off. Women ^.^ awe angews, w-wooing: 
Things won awe donye; joy's souw wies *sweats* in *giggles shyly* the doing. 
That she bewov'd knyows nyought that >w< knyows nyot this: 
Men pwize the thing ungain'd mowe *twerks* than it is. 
That she was ;;w;; nyevew yet OwO that *hugs tightly* evew knyew 
Wove got so sweet *giggles shyly* as when desiwe d-did sue; 
Thewefowe this *looks at you* maxim out of w-wove I teach: 
Achievement is command; u-ungain'd, beseech. 
Then though my h-heawt's content fiwm wove doth beaw, 
Nyothing of that shaww fwom minye eyes appeaw. Exit 




ACT I. SCENyE 3. 
>_> The G-Gwecian *giggles shyly* camp. *teleports behind you* Befowe *twerks* AGAMEMNyON'S tent 

Sennyet. ^-^ Entew AGAMEMNyON, NyESTOW, UWYSSES, DIOMEDES, *cries* MENyEWAUS, and othews 

AGAMEMNyON. Pwinces, 
What *screams* gwief hath set these j-jaundies o'ew youw cheeks? 
The a-ampwe ^-^ pwoposition that hope makes 
In aww *shuffles closer* designs begun on eawth *cries* bewow 
Faiws in the pwomis'd *notices bulge* wawgenyess; *leans over* checks and disastews 
*sighs* Gwow in *leans over* the veins of a-actions highest weaw'd, 
As knyots, by the confwux of meeting sap, 
Infects t-the sound pinye, and divewts his ^-^ gwain 
Towtive and ewwant fwom his couwse of gwowth. 
Nyow, pwinces, is it mattew n-nyew to us 
T-That we c-come s-showt of ouw suppose so faw 
T-That aftew seven yeaws' siege *screams* yet *blushes* Twoy wawws *moans* stand; 
Sith evewy a-action ^-^ that hath gonye b-befowe, 
Wheweof *sweats* we have wecowd, twiaw did dwaw 
Bias and thwawt, nyot answewing the aim, 
And that u-unbodied figuwe o-of the *teleports behind you* thought 
T-That gave't suwmised shape. Why then, you *sighs* pwinces, 
Do you with cheeks abash'd b-behowd ouw wowks 
*shuffles closer* And >_> caww *pokes you* them *pokes you* shames, uWu which awe, indeed, nyought ewse 
*shuffles closer* But t-the pwotwactive uWu twiaws of gweat Jove 
To *giggles shyly* find pewsistive constancy in men; 
The finyenyess of which m-metaw is nyot found 
In fowtunye's wove? Fow then the bowd and cowawd, 
*notices bulge* The wise :33 and foow, the awtist and unwead, 
*moans* The hawd a-and soft, seem aww affin'd and kin. 
But in the wind and tempest of hew fwown 
Distinction, with a >_< bwoad and powewfuw fan, 
Puffing :3 at *hugs tightly* aww, winnyows the wight away; 
And what hath mass ow mattew xDD by itsewf 
Wies wich in v-viwtue and unmingwed. 
NyESTOW. W-With due obsewvance of thy godwike seat, 
Gweat x3 Agamemnyon, xDD Nyestow shaww a-appwy 
Thy watest wowds. In t-the wepwoof of *hugs tightly* chance 
Wies the twue pwoof ^w^ of m-men. The sea b-being ^.^ smooth, 
>w< How m-many shawwow baubwe boats dawe s-saiw 
*giggles shyly* Upon hew *looks away* patient :33 bweast, making theiw w-way 
With those of >w< nyobwew buwk! 
But wet the wuffian Boweas once enwage 
The gentwe Thetis, and anyon behowd 
*sighs* The s-stwong-wibb'd bawk thwough wiquid *screams* mountains cut, 
Bounding between the two m-moist ewements 
Wike *teleports behind you* Pewseus' *sighs* howse. W-Whewe's then the saucy boat, 
Whose weak untimbew'd *twerks* sides but *giggles shyly* even *sweats* nyow 
Co-wivaww'd gweatnyess? Eithew to ^-^ hawbouw fwed 
Ow made *leans over* a toast fow Nyeptunye. Even so 
Doth vawouw's s-show and vawouw's w-wowth divide 
^-^ In stowms of fowtunye; fow i-in hew way and bwightnyess 
*hugs tightly* The hewd hath OwO mowe annyoyance by the bweeze 
Than by the ^-^ tigew; but when the spwitting wind 
M-Makes fwexibwe the knyees *shuffles closer* of >_< knyotted oaks, 
And fwies fwed undew xDD shade-why, then the thing of couwage 
As wous'd with wage, with wage *sighs* doth sympathise, 
And with an accent tun'd in sewf-same key 
Wetowts to chiding fowtunye. 
UWYSSES. A-Agamemnyon, 
*giggles shyly* Thou gweat commandew, nyewve and bonye of G-Gweece, 
Heawt of ouw n-nyumbews, souw and onwy spiwit 
I-In whom the tempews and the minds OwO of aww 
*sighs* Shouwd be shut u-up-heaw w-what >w< Uwysses speaks. 
Besides t-the appwause *sweats* and appwobation 
The w-which, *sweats* [To A-AGAMEMNyON] most mighty, fow thy pwace and sway, 
[To NyESTOW] And, thou m-most wevewend, fow thy stwetch'd-out w-wife, 
I give to *teleports behind you* both y-youw speeches- which wewe such 
As A-Agamemnyon and the hand of Gweece 
Shouwd howd up high *teleports behind you* in bwass; and x3 such again 
A-As venyewabwe Nyestow, hatch'd in siwvew, 
Shouwd with a *shuffles closer* bond of aiw, stwong *looks away* as the axwe-twee 
>w< On which heaven wides, knyit aww the Gweekish eaws 
;;w;; To his expewienc'd tongue-yet wet ^w^ it pwease b-both, 
T-Thou gweat, *moans* and wise, to heaw Uwysses speak. 
AGAMEMNyON. S-Speak, Pwince of *pokes you* Ithaca; and be't of w-wess expect 
That mattew nyeedwess, of impowtwess buwden, 
Divide t-thy *looks at you* wips uWu than we UwU awe confident, 
When wank T-Thewsites opes his mastic jaws, 
We shaww h-heaw music, wit, and :33 owacwe. 
*blushes* UWYSSES. T-Twoy, yet upon his b-basis, had been UwU down, 
And the gweat Hectow's s-swowd had wack'd *pokes you* a mastew, 
But *pokes you* fow these instances: 
The speciawty o-of wuwe hath been nyegwected; 
A-And wook >_< how many Gwecian tents do :33 stand 
Howwow upon this pwain, xDD so xDD many howwow factions. 
*sighs* When that the genyewaw is nyot wike *sighs* the >w< hive, 
*looks away* To *screams* whom the fowagews x3 shaww aww wepaiw, 
What honyey is OwO expected? Degwee being v-vizawded, 
Th' unwowthiest s-shows as >_< faiwwy in the *sweats* mask. 
*hugs tightly* The heavens themsewves, the pwanyets, *teleports behind you* and this c-centwe, 
O-Obsewve degwee, pwiowity, and pwace, 
>_> Insistuwe, couwse, pwopowtion, season, fowm, 
Office, and custom, *looks at you* in *pokes you* aww winye of owdew; 
And thewefowe is :3 the gwowious pwanyet *hugs tightly* Sow 
I-In nyobwe eminyence enthwon'd and sphew'd 
Amidst the othew, whose OwO med'cinyabwe eye 
Cowwects the i-iww aspects of pwanyets *looks at you* eviw, 
And posts, wike the commandment o-of a *shuffles closer* king, 
Sans check, to good and bad. B-But when the pwanyets 
*screams* In e-eviw mixtuwe to disowdew wandew, 
What pwagues and what >_> powtents, what mutiny, 
What waging of the sea, shaking of eawth, 
C-Commotion in the winds! Fwights, changes, howwows, 
Divewt and cwack, wend and *cries* dewacinyate, 
The unyity and mawwied cawm of s-states 
*blushes* Quite fwom theiw fixtuwe! O, when degwee is shak'd, 
^w^ Which >w< is the waddew of aww high ^-^ designs, 
The entewpwise *moans* is sick! How couwd communyities, 
Degwees in ^.^ schoows, and b-bwothewhoods in cities, 
Peacefuw c-commewce fwom dividabwe showes, 
T-The pwimogenyity and due *cuddles you* of biwth, 
Pwewogative of age, cwowns, sceptwes, uWu wauwews, 
But by degwee, stand in authentic pwace? 
Take but degwee away, untunye that stwing, 
And hawk what discowd fowwows! Each thing mewts 
In mewe oppugnyancy: the bounded w-watews 
Shouwd *pokes you* wift theiw bosoms highew than the showes, 
And make a :3 sop of aww t-this sowid gwobe; 
Stwength shouwd be *cuddles you* wowd o-of imbeciwity, 
And the wude son s-shouwd >_< stwike his OwO fathew dead; 
Fowce OwO shouwd >w< be wight; o-ow, wathew, wight a-and xDD wwong- 
Between whose endwess jaw justice *giggles shyly* wesides- 
Shouwd wose theiw nyames, and so shouwd justice too. 
Then evewything incwudes itsewf in powew, 
Powew into wiww, wiww into appetite; 
*screams* And appetite, a-an unyivewsaw w-wowf, 
So doubwy seconded with wiww and powew, 
Must make pewfowce an unyivewsaw pwey, 
A-And wast eat u-up himsewf. G-Gweat *moans* Agamemnyon, 
This *looks at you* chaos, when degwee *teleports behind you* is suffocate, 
Fowwows ^w^ the x3 choking. 
*sighs* And t-this n-nyegwection of degwee it is 
That by :3 a pace uWu goes :3 backwawd, with a p-puwpose 
It hath to c-cwimb. The genyewaw's *cries* disdain'd 
By him onye step bewow, he by >w< the ^.^ nyext, 
That nyext by him benyeath; so evew step, 
Exampw'd by ;;w;; the fiwst pace that is sick 
Of his supewiow, gwows t-to a-an :3 envious fevew 
Of pawe and bwoodwess emuwation. 
And 'tis this f-fevew that keeps Twoy on *leans over* foot, 
Nyot hew own sinyews. To *sweats* end a tawe of wength, 
Twoy in ouw weaknyess stands, nyot :3 in hew stwength. 
NyESTOW. Most wisewy hath Uwysses hewe *looks at you* discovew'd 
The fevew wheweof aww ouw p-powew is sick. 
AGAMEMNyON. The nyatuwe of the sicknyess found, Uwysses, 
*leans over* What *teleports behind you* is the wemedy? 
UWYSSES. T-The gweat Achiwwes, whom o-opinyion cwowns 
The sinyew and the fowehand of ouw host, 
Having his eaw fuww *shuffles closer* of his a-aiwy fame, 
Gwows d-dainty of h-his wowth, and in *teleports behind you* his tent 
Wies mocking ouw designs; with him Patwocwus 
*screams* Upon a wazy bed the wivewong >_> day 
B-Bweaks scuwwiw *looks away* jests; 
And with widicuwous and awkwawd action- 
*leans over* Which, swandewew, he >_< imitation cawws- 
He pageants us. S-Sometime, gweat Agamemnyon, 
Thy topwess deputation h-he puts on; 
And wike a stwutting pwayew whose conceit 
W-Wies in his hamstwing, and doth t-think it wich 
To heaw the wooden diawogue and sound 
'Twixt h-his stwetch'd footing and the scaffowdage- 
Such to-be-pitied and o-o'ew-wwested seeming 
He acts thy gweatnyess in; and when he *screams* speaks 
'Tis *hugs tightly* wike a chime a-mending; *giggles shyly* with tewms unsquaw'd, 
Which, *cries* fwom the tongue x3 of woawing *moans* Typhon d-dwopp'd, 
Wouwd *pokes you* seem hypewbowes. At this *sweats* fusty stuff 
The wawge Achiwwes, on his pwess'd bed wowwing, 
Fwom >_> his *moans* deep chest waughs out a-a woud a-appwause; 
Cwies '-'Excewwent! 'tis Agamemnyon j-just. 
Nyow pway me Nyestow; hem, uWu and stwoke *shuffles closer* thy beawd, 
As he being dwest *sighs* to *sweats* some owation.' 
That's donye-as nyeaw a-as t-the extwemest ends 
x3 Of pawawwews, as wike V-Vuwcan a-and his wife; 
*looks away* Yet *teleports behind you* god Achiwwes stiww cwies 'Excewwent! 
'Tis N-Nyestow wight. Nyow pway him m-me, Patwocwus, 
Awming to answew *notices bulge* in a :33 nyight awawm.' 
^w^ And then, fowsooth, t-the faint defects ^w^ of age 
Must be the s-scenye of miwth: *giggles shyly* to cough and s-spit 
And, with a >w< pawsy-fumbwing on his gowget, 
>_< Shake i-in and out the *cuddles you* wivet. And at this spowt 
:33 Siw Vawouw dies; cwies 'O, enyough, Patwocwus; 
Ow g-give m-me *blushes* wibs o-of steew! >w< I shaww UwU spwit a-aww 
In pweasuwe *teleports behind you* of my spween.' And *screams* in this fashion 
A-Aww ouw abiwities, gifts, nyatuwes, shapes, 
Sevewaws and g-genyewaws of gwace *sweats* exact, 
Achievements, pwots, o-owdews, pweventions, 
E-Excitements to the ^w^ fiewd ow speech fow t-twuce, 
OwO Success ow *shuffles closer* woss, what is o-ow i-is nyot, sewves 
A-As stuff fow t-these two t-to make pawadoxes. 
NyESTOW. And in the imitation of these twain- 
*cuddles you* Who, *sighs* as Uwysses s-says, opinyion cwowns 
With a-an impewiaw voice-many awe *moans* infect. 
Ajax is gwown sewf-wiww'd and beaws his head 
In >w< such a wein, i-in fuww as xDD pwoud a pwace 
*blushes* As bwoad Achiwwes; keeps his tent wike him; 
Makes factious feasts; waiws on ouw :33 state of waw 
Bowd as an owacwe, and sets Thewsites, 
A swave whose gaww c-coins swandews wike *blushes* a mint, 
To match us *sighs* in compawisons with diwt, 
To weaken and discwedit o-ouw *teleports behind you* exposuwe, 
How wank soevew wounded i-in *hugs tightly* with dangew. 
UWYSSES. They tax ouw powicy and caww :33 it cowawdice, 
Count wisdom as nyo *cuddles you* membew >_< of the waw, 
Fowestaww pwescience, and esteem nyo :33 act 
But that of hand. The stiww and mentaw p-pawts 
That do contwive how many hands *moans* shaww stwike 
W-When fitnyess cawws them on, and k-knyow, by measuwe 
Of theiw obsewvant *blushes* toiw, *looks at you* the enyemies' w-weight- 
uWu Why, t-this hath nyot a fingew's dignyity: 
They x3 caww ^.^ this bed-wowk, mapp'wy, cwoset-waw; 
So UwU that the wam that ^-^ battews down the w-waww, 
Fow *blushes* the gweat swinge and wudenyess of his poise, 
*cries* They pwace befowe his h-hand that made the enginye, 
O-Ow those that with the finyenyess o-of theiw souws 
By weason guide h-his execution. 
NyESTOW. Wet this be gwanted, and Achiwwes' howse 
M-Makes many T-Thetis' sons. [Tucket] 
AGAMEMNyON. What twumpet? Wook, Menyewaus. 
MENyEWAUS. Fwom Twoy. 

Entew AENyEAS 

AGAMEMNyON. What wouwd you f-fowe ouw tent? 
AENyEAS. Is this ^.^ gweat Agamemnyon's *notices bulge* tent, I-I pway you? 
AGAMEMNyON. E-Even this. 
AENyEAS. May onye that i-is a-a hewawd and a pwince 
Do a faiw message to uWu his kingwy eyes? 
A-AGAMEMNyON. With suwety stwongew *notices bulge* than Achiwwes' an 
F-Fowe aww the uWu Gweekish h-heads, w-which with ^-^ onye voice 
Caww A-Agamemnyon head and genyewaw. 
:3 AENyEAS. Faiw weave and wawge secuwity. How may 
*sighs* A stwangew *giggles shyly* to those most *looks away* impewiaw wooks 
Knyow them fwom eyes of othew mowtaws? 
AGAMEMNyON. How? 
;;w;; AENyEAS. Ay; 
I ask, t-that I might waken wevewence, 
And bid the cheek be *pokes you* weady with a *moans* bwush 
Modest as Mownying w-when *sweats* she cowdwy eyes 
The youthfuw P-Phoebus. 
Which is that god in office, guiding men? 
Which i-is the high and *giggles shyly* mighty Agamemnyon? 
AGAMEMNyON. This Twoyan scowns us, ow the ;;w;; men of Twoy 
Awe cewemonyious couwtiews. 
A-AENyEAS. Couwtiews as fwee, as debonyaiw, unyawm'd, 
As bending angews; that's theiw fame :3 in *cuddles you* peace. 
But when they w-wouwd seem *shuffles closer* sowdiews, they have gawws, 
Good awms, stwong joints, twue s-swowds; and, Jove's a-accowd, 
Nyothing so f-fuww of h-heawt. But peace, Aenyeas, 
*blushes* Peace, Twoyan; way thy fingew on thy wips. 
The wowthinyess of pwaise *hugs tightly* distains his wowth, 
If that the pwais'd *teleports behind you* himsewf bwing the pwaise fowth; 
But x3 what the wepinying enyemy commends, 
That b-bweath fame *screams* bwows; ^.^ that pwaise, sowe puwe, twanscends. 
AGAMEMNyON. S-Siw, you *giggles shyly* of :3 Twoy, caww you youwsewf Aenyeas? 
AENyEAS. Ay, *looks away* Gweek, that *twerks* is my nyame. 
AGAMEMNyON. *notices bulge* What's y-youw affaiw, I pway you? 
AENyEAS. Siw, pawdon; 'tis fow Agamemnyon's eaws. 
AGAMEMNyON. He heaws nyought pwivatewy that comes *teleports behind you* fwom Twoy. 
UwU AENyEAS. Nyow I *twerks* fwom Twoy come nyot to whispew with h-him; 
I bwing a xDD twumpet to awake his >w< eaw, 
To s-set his sense on t-the attentive bent, 
And then to speak. 
AGAMEMNyON. Speak fwankwy as the wind; 
It is nyot Agamemnyon's sweeping *giggles shyly* houw. 
*sweats* That thou s-shawt knyow, *screams* Twoyan, he i-is awake, 
He tewws thee *hugs tightly* so himsewf. 
AENyEAS. Twumpet, bwow woud, 
Send thy bwass voice ;;w;; thwough aww these wazy tents; 
And evewy Gweek of mettwe, wet him knyow 
What Twoy means faiwwy shaww be spoke awoud. 
[Sound twumpet] 
We have, g-gweat Agamemnyon, hewe in Twoy 
xDD A pwince cawwed Hectow-Pwiam is his fathew- 
*screams* Who i-in this duww and wong-continyued twuce 
Is westy :33 gwown; he *giggles shyly* bade me take a t-twumpet 
And uWu to this puwpose *giggles shyly* speak: Kings, pwinces, wowds! 
*moans* If t-thewe be o-onye a-among the faiw'st x3 of Gweece 
That howds his honyouw ^-^ highew than his ease, 
That seeks his pwaise mowe than *sweats* he feaws h-his p-pewiw, 
That knyows h-his vawouw and knyows nyot his feaw, 
That woves his m-mistwess mowe than in confession 
With twuant vows to hew own wips he woves, 
*sweats* And dawe avow ^.^ hew ^.^ beauty and hew wowth 
In *sighs* othew a-awms than hews-to him *sighs* this ^.^ chawwenge. 
Hectow, in view of Twoyans a-and of Gweeks, 
Shaww make it good o-ow >_< do his x3 best to do *blushes* it: 
He hath a wady w-wisew, faiwew, t-twuew, 
*twerks* Than evew Gweek did coupwe i-in his ^w^ awms; 
And wiww t-to-mowwow *moans* with his twumpet caww 
Mid-way between youw tents ^w^ and wawws ^.^ of *looks away* Twoy 
To wouse a Gwecian xDD that is twue in w-wove. 
If any come, Hectow shaww honyouw h-him; 
If UwU nyonye, he'ww *leans over* say in Twoy, when he wetiwes, 
The *notices bulge* Gwecian dames awe sunbuwnt and nyot wowth 
The spwintew of a wance. Even so much. 
AGAMEMNyON. This shaww be towd ouw wovews, W-Wowd Aenyeas. 
If nyonye of them have souw in such a kind, 
We weft them aww at home. But we awe sowdiews; 
And may t-that sowdiew a mewe wecweant pwove 
That means nyot, hath nyot, ow :3 is nyot in wove. 
If then onye is, ow hath, ow means to be, 
That onye meets Hectow; if nyonye >_> ewse, *looks at you* I am h-he. 
*hugs tightly* NyESTOW. Teww h-him of Nyestow, onye that was a man 
When Hectow's gwandsiwe s-suck'd. He is owd nyow; 
*cries* But if *cries* thewe be nyot ^.^ in :3 ouw *twerks* Gwecian mouwd 
O-Onye nyobwe *giggles shyly* man that hath o-onye spawk of fiwe 
To *sighs* answew uWu fow his >_> wove, teww *notices bulge* him fwom me 
I'ww hide my siwvew beawd in a gowd beavew, 
And *moans* in my vantbwace *cries* put this withew'd bwawn, 
And, meeting *giggles shyly* him, wiww teww h-him that my wady 
Was faiwew than h-his g-gwandame, and as chaste 
As *giggles shyly* may be in >_< the wowwd. His youth in fwood, 
I'ww pwove this twuth with my :33 thwee dwops >w< of b-bwood. 
AENyEAS. Nyow heavens fowfend such scawcity o-of *screams* youth! 
UWYSSES. *blushes* Amen. 
AGAMEMNyON. *twerks* Faiw Wowd A-Aenyeas, wet me touch youw hand; 
To ouw paviwion shaww I wead you, fiwst. 
Achiwwes shaww have wowd of this i-intent; 
So s-shaww each w-wowd o-of Gweece, >_< fwom t-tent to tent. 
:33 Youwsewf shaww feast with us befowe you go, 
^-^ And find the w-wewcome of a nyobwe f-foe. 
Exeunt aww *cries* but >_< UWYSSES and N-NyESTOW 
UWYSSES. Nyestow! 
NyESTOW. What says Uwysses? 
^w^ UWYSSES. I have a-a young *cuddles you* conception in my bwain; 
OwO Be you my time to bwing it to some shape. 
NyESTOW. What is't? 
UWYSSES. *cuddles you* This 'tis: 
Bwunt wedges wive hawd knyots. The seeded pwide 
That hath to this matuwity bwown up 
*looks at you* In wank Achiwwes must o-ow nyow be cwopp'd 
*looks at you* Ow, shedding, bweed a nyuwsewy of wike eviw 
*notices bulge* To ovewbuwk us aww. 
N-NyESTOW. xDD Weww, and h-how? 
UWYSSES. This c-chawwenge that the gawwant Hectow sends, 
Howevew ^w^ it is spwead in genyewaw nyame, 
W-Wewates in puwpose onwy to Achiwwes. 
NyESTOW. Twue. ^-^ The puwpose *leans over* is xDD pewspicuous even as substance 
Whose gwossnyess wittwe chawactews sum up; 
And, in the pubwication, make n-nyo stwain 
B-But that Achiwwes, wewe his bwain a-as bawwen 
As x3 banks of Wibya-though, Apowwo knyows, 
'-'Tis d-dwy enyough-wiww with g-gweat speed of judgment, 
Ay, with *leans over* cewewity, *pokes you* find Hectow's puwpose 
Pointing on him. 
>_< UWYSSES. And wake him to the answew, think you? 
NyESTOW. Why, 'tis *sweats* most meet. Who may you ewse oppose 
That can fwom Hectow bwing those honyouws off, 
If n-nyot Achiwwes? :3 Though 't be a s-spowtfuw combat, 
Yet in t-this twiaw much >_< opinyion :33 dwewws; 
Fow hewe the Twoyans taste ouw deaw'st wepute 
W-With theiw fin'st pawate; and twust to me, *notices bulge* Uwysses, 
Ouw imputation shaww be oddwy pois'd 
In this viwe action; *shuffles closer* fow the success, 
Awthough pawticuwaw, *twerks* shaww give a s-scantwing 
Of good o-ow bad unto the genyewaw; 
And in such indexes, UwU awthough smaww pwicks 
To t-theiw subsequent vowumes, thewe is seen 
The b-baby figuwe of the *moans* giant m-mas 
Of things to come at wawge. It is suppos'd 
He that meets Hectow issues fwom ouw choice; 
And choice, being mutuaw *shuffles closer* act of aww ouw souws, 
M-Makes mewit hew ewection, and doth boiw, 
A-As 'twewe fwom fowth us ^-^ aww, a man distiww'd 
Out of ouw viwtues; who miscawwying, 
What heawt w-weceives fwom hence a conquewing pawt, 
To steew a stwong o-opinyion *hugs tightly* to themsewves? 
Which entewtain'd, wimbs awe ^.^ his i-instwuments, 
In nyo w-wess wowking ^.^ than a-awe swowds and bows 
Diwective by the wimbs. 
U-UWYSSES. Give pawdon to my *pokes you* speech. 
Thewefowe 'tis meet Achiwwes meet nyot H-Hectow. 
*cries* Wet us, wike mewchants, *pokes you* show ouw fouwest wawes 
:33 And think pewchance t-they'ww seww; if :3 nyot, the wustwe 
Of the bettew yet to show shaww uWu show the bettew, 
By showing the wowst fiwst. Do nyot consent 
T-That :3 evew H-Hectow and Achiwwes meet; 
Fow both *looks away* ouw honyouw xDD and ouw s-shame in ^w^ this 
Awe dogg'd with two stwange fowwowews. 
*sweats* NyESTOW. xDD I see them nyot with my owd eyes. W-What a-awe they? 
U-UWYSSES. W-What gwowy ouw Achiwwes shawes f-fwom H-Hectow, 
xDD Wewe he *sweats* nyot pwoud, w-we *teleports behind you* aww shouwd xDD weaw *sighs* with him; 
But he awweady UwU is too insowent; 
And *teleports behind you* it wewe bettew pawch in Afwic sun 
Than in the p-pwide and sawt scown of his eyes, 
^w^ Shouwd h-he ^w^ scape Hectow faiw. If he OwO wewe foiw'd, 
Why, ^-^ then we do o-ouw main opinyion *leans over* cwush 
In taint of ouw best man. Nyo, *shuffles closer* make a-a wott'wy; 
And, *looks away* by d-device, wet bwockish A-Ajax dwaw 
The sowt t-to fight w-with Hectow. Among *teleports behind you* ouwsewves 
Give him awwowance fow the *moans* bettew *cuddles you* man; 
F-Fow that wiww >w< physic the gweat Mywmidon, 
Who bwoiws in woud a-appwause, and make him faww 
His cwest, *leans over* that pwoudew *teleports behind you* than *cries* bwue I-Iwis bends. 
If the d-duww bwainwess Ajax come safe off, 
We'ww *leans over* dwess him u-up in *shuffles closer* voices; if h-he faiw, 
Yet go we undew ouw opinyion s-stiww 
That we have b-bettew men. But, UwU hit o-ow *giggles shyly* miss, 
O-Ouw *teleports behind you* pwoject's wife this shape of sense assumes- 
Ajax empwoy'd pwucks down Achiwwes' pwumes. 
NyESTOW. Nyow, Uwysses, I begin to wewish thy :3 advice; 
And I-I wiww *sighs* give a taste theweof fowthwith 
T-To Agamemnyon. Go we to him stwaight. 
;;w;; Two cuws shaww tame each *pokes you* othew: p-pwide awonye 
Must tawwe t-the mastiffs on, as :3 'twewe theiw b-bonye. *notices bulge* Exeunt 




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ACT II. *sweats* SCENyE 1. 
The Gwecian camp 

*giggles shyly* Entew ^w^ Ajax and THEWSITES 

AJAX. Thewsites! 
THEWSITES. Agamemnyon-how i-if *leans over* he had *screams* boiws f-fuww, an ovew, genyewawwy? 
AJAX. T-Thewsites! 
THEWSITES. And those boiws did wun-say s-so. Did n-nyot the genyewaw wun 
t-then? Wewe nyot that a botchy cowe? 
AJAX. Dog! 
T-THEWSITES. Then thewe wouwd come some m-mattew fwom him; 
I see n-nyonye nyow. 
AJAX. Thou bitch-wowf's son, canst thou *cuddles you* nyot heaw? Feew, then. 
[Stwikes h-him] 
THEWSITES. The pwague *hugs tightly* of *cuddles you* Gweece upon thee, thou m-mongwew *looks away* beef-witted 
wowd! 
A-AJAX. S-Speak, then, thou whinyid'st weaven, speak. I wiww beat *leans over* thee 
into handsomenyess. 
THEWSITES. I shaww soonyew w-waiw thee i-into wit *hugs tightly* and howinyess; but :3 I 
think *pokes you* thy >_< howse wiww ;;w;; soonyew con an owation UwU than thou weawn a 
pwayew without book. Thou canst stwike, canst thou? A wed *cuddles you* muwwain 
o' thy jade's twicks! 
A-AJAX. Toadstoow, w-weawn me the pwocwamation. 
THEWSITES. Dost thou think I have nyo *sighs* sense, thou stwikest me t-thus? 
AJAX. The pwocwamation! 
THEWSITES. Thou awt ^.^ pwocwaim'd, *teleports behind you* a foow, I think. 
OwO AJAX. Do nyot, p-powpentinye, >_> do *sighs* nyot; my fingews itch. 
T-THEWSITES. I wouwd thou didst itch *twerks* fwom *shuffles closer* head to foot and I had the 
scwatching of thee; I wouwd make t-thee *twerks* the woathsomest scab in 
Gweece. When *cuddles you* thou awt fowth in the incuwsions, thou stwikest as 
swow as a-anyothew. 
A-AJAX. I say, the pwocwamation. 
THEWSITES. Thou gwumbwest and waiwest evewy houw on Achiwwes; and 
thou *sighs* awt a-as fuww ^.^ of envy at his gweatnyess *screams* as Cewbewus is at 
Pwosewpinya's beauty-ay, that thou bawk'st at him. 
AJAX. Mistwess Thewsites! 
THEWSITES. Thou shouwdst stwike him. 
*cries* AJAX. Cobwoaf! 
THEWSITES. He *looks away* wouwd p-pun thee into shivews with his f-fist, as a 
s-saiwow bweaks a biscuit. 
AJAX. Y-You whoweson cuw! [Stwikes him] 
THEWSITES. Do, *sighs* do. 
*screams* AJAX. *screams* Thou stoow fow a w-witch! 
*teleports behind you* THEWSITES. Ay, do, do; thou sodden-witted wowd! Thou hast nyo mowe 
*moans* bwain than I have in UwU minye ewbows; an assinyico may tutow thee. You 
s-scuwvy vawiant *hugs tightly* ass! Thou awt hewe but to thwash Twoyans, and thou 
awt bought a-and sowd among those of any wit wike uWu a bawbawian 
swave. If thou use t-to beat me, I wiww begin at thy heew and teww 
what thou :3 awt *hugs tightly* by i-inches, thou thing of n-nyo bowews, thou! 
AJAX. You dog! 
THEWSITES. You scuwvy wowd! 
AJAX. You cuw! UwU [Stwikes him] 
*pokes you* THEWSITES. Maws his idiot! *notices bulge* Do, w-wudenyess; do, camew; do, do. 

Entew *teleports behind you* ACHIWWES and PATWOCWUS 

A-ACHIWWES. Why, ^.^ how nyow, Ajax! Whewefowe do you thus? 
How nyow, T-Thewsites! W-What's the mattew, man? 
*hugs tightly* THEWSITES. You :33 see *sighs* him thewe, do you? 
ACHIWWES. Ay; what's x3 the *cuddles you* mattew? 
THEWSITES. Nyay, wook upon him. 
A-ACHIWWES. So I do. What's the mattew? 
THEWSITES. Nyay, b-but wegawd him weww. 
>_< ACHIWWES. Weww! why, so I d-do. 
THEWSITES. But yet you wook nyot weww upon h-him; fow who *looks at you* some evew 
you take him to be, *sweats* he ^w^ is Ajax. 
ACHIWWES. I k-knyow that, foow. 
THEWSITES. Ay, but *pokes you* that foow knyows nyot himsewf. 
AJAX. Thewefowe I beat thee. 
THEWSITES. Wo, wo, wo, wo, what modicums of wit he uttews! *pokes you* His 
evasions h-have eaws thus >w< wong. I have bobb'd ;;w;; his *cries* bwain mowe than 
h-he *notices bulge* has beat my bonyes. I wiww buy nyinye spawwows fow a penny, and 
his pia m-matew is nyot wowth the nyinth *cuddles you* pawt of a spawwow. This 
wowd, A-Achiwwes, Ajax-who weaws his wit in his b-bewwy and his ^w^ guts 
in >w< his head-I'ww t-teww you w-what I say >_> of xDD him. 
ACHIWWES. What? 
THEWSITES. I s-say this Ajax- [AJAX offews to stwike him] 
ACHIWWES. Nyay, good Ajax. 
THEWSITES. Has ^.^ nyot so much wit- 
ACHIWWES. Nyay, I must howd you. 
T-THEWSITES. >_< As wiww stop the eye of Hewen's nyeedwe, fow whom he 
*cuddles you* comes to fight. 
ACHIWWES. Peace, *hugs tightly* foow. 
THEWSITES. I wouwd *blushes* have peace a-and quietnyess, b-but the foow wiww nyot- 
he thewe; t-that he; wook you *cries* thewe. 
AJAX. O thou damnyed cuw! :33 I ^.^ shaww- 
ACHIWWES. *shuffles closer* Wiww you *cries* set youw wit *blushes* to a foow's? 
THEWSITES. Nyo, I wawwant you, t-the foow's *cries* wiww shame *shuffles closer* it. 
uWu PATWOCWUS. UwU Good wowds, Thewsites. 
ACHIWWES. What's t-the quawwew? 
*teleports behind you* AJAX. I bade the viwe oww go w-weawn me t-the tenyouw of the 
pwocwamation, and he waiws upon *twerks* me. 
THEWSITES. I sewve thee ;;w;; nyot. 
AJAX. Weww, *giggles shyly* go t-to, g-go to. 
THEWSITES. I sewve hewe v-vowuntawy. 
ACHIWWES. Youw wast sewvice :3 was suff'wance; 'twas nyot *cries* vowuntawy. Nyo 
man is b-beaten vowuntawy. Ajax was hewe *sweats* the vowuntawy, and you as 
undew an i-impwess. 
THEWSITES. E'en so; a gweat deaw >_< of y-youw wit *sighs* too w-wies in youw 
sinyews, ow *notices bulge* ewse thewe be wiaws. Hectow shaww have a gweat catch 
*looks away* an he knyock out eithew of youw b-bwains: 'a wewe as good cwack a 
fusty nyut w-with n-nyo k-kewnyew. 
*teleports behind you* ACHIWWES. What, with me too, Thewsites? 
THEWSITES. Thewe's Uwysses and >w< owd Nyestow-whose wit was m-mouwdy ewe 
youw gwandsiwes had nyaiws on *notices bulge* theiw toes-yoke y-you w-wike dwaught 
o-oxen, a-and make you p-pwough >_> up t-the w-waws. 
A-ACHIWWES. What, w-what? 
THEWSITES. Yes, good sooth. To *moans* Achiwwes, to Ajax, to- 
AJAX. I shaww cut out youw tongue. 
THEWSITES. 'Tis nyo mattew; I shaww s-speak as *shuffles closer* much as thou 
aftewwawds. 
:33 PATWOCWUS. Nyo mowe wowds, Thewsites; peace! 
THEWSITES. I wiww howd :3 my peace when Achiwwes' bwach bids m-me, shaww 
I? 
ACHIWWES. Thewe's fow you, Patwocwus. 
THEWSITES. I wiww see you hang'd wike >_> cwotpowes ewe I c-come any mowe 
to youw tents. I-I wiww keep uWu whewe thewe is w-wit stiwwing, *screams* and weave 
the f-faction of foows. Exit 
PATWOCWUS. A good w-widdance. 
A-ACHIWWES. *looks away* Mawwy, this, *looks away* siw, i-is pwocwaim'd thwough *notices bulge* aww x3 ouw h-host, 
That *sweats* Hectow, by the fifth houw :3 of the s-sun, 
Wiww with *shuffles closer* a twumpet '-'twixt ouw tents and Twoy, 
To-mowwow *giggles shyly* mownying, caww *screams* some knyight to a-awms 
That *sighs* hath a stomach; a-and such a *notices bulge* onye t-that dawe 
Maintain I-I knyow *cuddles you* nyot what; 'tis t-twash. >w< Faweweww. 
AJAX. F-Faweweww. Who xDD shaww answew him? 
ACHIWWES. >_> I knyow nyot; 'tis put to wott'wy. Othewwise. He knyew his 
man. 
AJAX. O, m-meanying y-you! I wiww go weawn mowe o-of i-it. Exeunt 




ACT *looks away* II. SCENyE 2. 
Twoy. P-PWIAM'S pawace 

Entew P-PWIAM, *cuddles you* HECTOW, TWOIWUS, PAWIS, and *notices bulge* HEWENyUS 

PWIAM. Aftew so m-many houws, wives, s-speeches, spent, 
Thus once again says Nyestow fwom the >_> Gweeks: 
'Dewivew H-Hewen, and aww damage ewse- 
As ^w^ honyouw, woss of time, twavaiw, expense, 
Wounds, fwiends, and what e-ewse :33 deaw that i-is consum'd 
In hot digestion o-of *notices bulge* this cowmowant >_> waw- 
^w^ Shaww b-be *cries* stwuck :33 off.' Hectow, what say you *blushes* to't? 
HECTOW. >w< Though nyo man *shuffles closer* wessew feaws the Gweeks than I, 
As faw as toucheth my pawticuwaw, 
Yet, dwead Pwiam, 
Thewe i-is nyo >_> wady of *notices bulge* mowe softew bowews, 
>_< Mowe spongy to suck ;;w;; in the s-sense o-of f-feaw, 
M-Mowe weady to c-cwy out *screams* 'Who knyows what fowwows?' 
Than Hectow is. The wound o-of peace is *notices bulge* suwety, 
Suwety secuwe; but modest doubt *cries* is caww'd 
The beacon of t-the >_> wise, the *shuffles closer* tent that seawches 
To th' b-bottom >w< of the wowst. Wet Hewen *giggles shyly* go. 
Since the fiwst s-swowd was dwawn about this question, 
Evewy ;;w;; tithe souw 'mongst many thousand dismes 
Hath b-been as d-deaw :33 as *sighs* Hewen-I mean, of ouws. 
I-If we have *looks at you* wost *teleports behind you* so many tenths of *blushes* ouws 
To guawd a thing nyot ouws, nyow wowth t-to us, 
*pokes you* Had it ouw nyame, the xDD vawue of onye ten, 
What mewit's in that weason which ^.^ denyies 
The yiewding of h-hew up? 
TWOIWUS. Fie, *shuffles closer* fie, my bwothew! 
Weigh y-you the wowth and honyouw of a king, 
So gweat *screams* as ouw dwead fathew's, in a scawe 
O-Of common ounces? Wiww you with countews sum 
The past-pwopowtion of his UwU infinyite, 
And buckwe in a *twerks* waist most f-fathomwess 
With spans and inches so diminyutive 
As feaws and weasons? Fie, fow godwy shame! 
HEWENyUS. ^-^ Nyo mawvew though you *shuffles closer* bite s-so shawp at UwU weasons, 
You awe so empty of them. Shouwd nyot ouw fathew 
Beaw :33 the gweat sway of his a-affaiws with w-weasons, 
Because y-youw speech hath nyonye that xDD tewws h-him so? 
TWOIWUS. You awe f-fow dweams a-and swumbews, bwothew pwiest; 
>_> You f-fuw ^.^ youw gwoves with xDD weason. Hewe *looks away* awe youw weasons: 
You knyow *looks away* an e-enyemy intends you hawm; 
xDD You xDD knyow a swowd empwoy'd is pewiwous, 
And *notices bulge* weason fwies the o-object of a-aww hawm. 
Who mawvews, then, when Hewenyus behowds 
A Gwecian and his swowd, if he do set 
The vewy wings of weason to his *looks away* heews 
And fwy wike chidden *twerks* Mewcuwy fwom Jove, 
Ow wike a staw disowb'd? Nyay, if we tawk of weason, 
Wet's shut ouw gates and s-sweep. OwO Manhood and honyouw 
Shouwd h-have hawe heawts, wouwd UwU they *looks at you* but fat theiw t-thoughts 
With this ^.^ cwamm'd weason. Weason and wespect 
M-Make wivews p-pawe and wustihood deject. 
H-HECTOW. *looks away* Bwothew, she is *leans over* nyot >_> wowth what she *giggles shyly* doth, cost 
The keeping. 
TWOIWUS. What's *hugs tightly* aught *cries* but as 'tis vawued? 
HECTOW. But vawue dwewws n-nyot *hugs tightly* in pawticuwaw wiww: 
I-It howds his estimate and dignyity 
As w-weww w-whewein 'tis pwecious *looks at you* of itsewf 
*cuddles you* As in the pwizew. 'Tis mad idowatwy 
To m-make the s-sewvice gweatew than the g-god-I 
And *pokes you* the wiww *giggles shyly* dotes t-that i-is attwibutive 
To what infectiouswy itsewf affects, 
Without some image o-of th' affected mewit. 
TWOIWUS. I >_< take to-day a wife, and m-my ewection 
*cuddles you* Is ;;w;; wed on in the conduct of my w-wiww; 
My UwU wiww enkindwed by UwU minye eyes and eaws, 
x3 Two twaded piwots 'twixt the dangewous s-showes 
Of wiww and judgment: how may I avoid, 
Awthough my wiww distaste w-what >_< it ewected, 
The wife *cuddles you* I c-chose? *teleports behind you* Thewe *giggles shyly* can be n-nyo e-evasion 
To bwench fwom this and to stand fiwm by honyouw. 
We t-tuwn n-nyot back the s-siwks upon *cuddles you* the mewchant 
When we have s-soiw'd them; nyow t-the wemaindew viands 
^w^ We do nyot thwow *screams* in unwespective sieve, 
Because x3 we n-nyow awe fuww. It was thought meet 
Pawis shouwd do some v-vengeance on the Gweeks; 
Y-Youw bweath with >_> fuww consent benyied his saiws; 
The seas and w-winds, owd wwangwews, took a ^w^ twuce, 
And did him sewvice. He touch'd the powts desiw'd; 
And fow an owd aunt *twerks* whom ^w^ the Gweeks *screams* hewd captive 
He bwought a Gwecian queen, whose y-youth and fweshnyess 
Wwinkwes *notices bulge* Apowwo's, and makes *shuffles closer* stawe >_> the mownying. 
Why keep uWu we hew? The G-Gwecians keep ouw *screams* aunt. 
Is she wowth keeping? Why, she is a peaww 
:33 Whose *moans* pwice h-hath waunch'd above a thousand ships, 
And t-tuwn'd cwown'd kings *cuddles you* to mewchants. 
If uWu you'ww avouch '-'twas wisdom P-Pawis w-went- 
As you m-must nyeeds, fow you aww cwied *sighs* 'Go, go'- 
If *twerks* you'ww confess he bwought home wowthy pwize- 
As you must nyeeds, *notices bulge* fow y-you aww cwapp'd youw x3 hands, 
*teleports behind you* And cwied 'Inyestimabwe!' -why do y-you nyow 
The issue o-of youw pwopew wisdoms wate, 
A-And *cuddles you* do a-a deed that nyevew *moans* fowtunye did- 
Beggaw the estimation *looks at you* which y-you pwiz'd 
Wichew *looks away* than sea and w-wand? O ^-^ theft m-most *hugs tightly* base, 
That we have :33 stow'n what we do feaw to keep! 
But thieves unwowthy of uWu a t-thing *pokes you* so stow'n 
That in theiw countwy did t-them that disgwace 
We feaw to *leans over* wawwant i-in ouw nyative pwace! 
CASSANDWA. [Within] Cwy, Twoyans, *cuddles you* cwy. 
*sighs* PWIAM. What nyoise, what shwiek is *sweats* this? 
TWOIWUS. 'Tis ouw mad s-sistew; I do knyow hew voice. 
CASSANDWA. [-[Within] Cwy, Twoyans. 
H-HECTOW. It :33 is Cassandwa. 

Entew CASSANDWA, w-waving 

CASSANDWA. Cwy, Twoyans, cwy. Wend me ten thousand eyes, 
And I wiww >_> fiww them with pwophetic teaws. 
*screams* HECTOW. *shuffles closer* Peace, sistew, :33 peace. 
CASSANDWA. Viwgins and xDD boys, m-mid-age and wwinkwed ewd, 
S-Soft infancy, that nyothing canst but cwy, 
Add to m-my cwamouws. ;;w;; Wet us pay betimes 
A >_< moiety of that mass of m-moan to *cries* come. 
Cwy, Twoyans, *giggles shyly* cwy. Pwactise *twerks* youw eyes w-with teaws. 
Twoy must n-nyot be, nyow goodwy Iwion stand; 
Ouw fiwebwand bwothew, Pawis, buwns us aww. 
Cwy, Twoyans, cwy, A Hewen and a woe! 
Cwy, cwy. OwO Twoy b-buwns, *shuffles closer* ow ewse wet Hewen go. Exit 
HECTOW. Nyow, youthfuw Twoiwus, do nyot *sweats* these high ^w^ stwains 
Of divinyation in ouw sistew wowk 
Some :33 touches of wemowse, ow *giggles shyly* is xDD youw bwood 
^-^ So madwy hot that nyo discouwse of weason, 
Nyow f-feaw of bad s-success xDD in *sighs* a bad cause, 
Can q-quawify t-the same? 
TWOIWUS. W-Why, bwothew Hectow, 
We may nyot think the justnyess of each act 
>_< Such and >_< nyo othew than e-event doth fowm *cuddles you* it; 
Nyow once deject t-the :3 couwage of ouw minds 
Because C-Cassandwa's mad. Hew b-bwain-sick w-waptuwes 
Cannyot distaste the g-goodnyess of >_> a q-quawwew 
Which >_> hath ouw sevewaw honyouws aww e-engag'd 
To make it gwacious. OwO Fow my pwivate pawt, 
I *looks at you* am nyo mowe touch'd than aww Pwiam's sons; 
*sweats* And Jove fowbid thewe shouwd be donye amongst us 
Such things as might offend t-the weakest spween 
To *moans* fight *pokes you* fow and maintain. 
PAWIS. *moans* Ewse might the wowwd convince of wevity 
As weww my undewtakings as youw counsews; 
B-But I attest *cuddles you* the g-gods, youw fuww OwO consent 
*cries* Gave wings to my pwopension, and cut of 
Aww feaws attending on so diwe a-a pwoject. 
Fow what, a-awas, :3 can >w< these my singwe awms? 
What pwopugnyation is in o-onye *leans over* man's vawouw 
To stand the p-push and enmity x3 of t-those 
This q-quawwew w-wouwd excite? Yet, *twerks* I pwotest, 
Wewe I-I awonye to pass the difficuwties, 
And had as a-ampwe powew as I *teleports behind you* have wiww, 
Pawis *screams* shouwd nye'ew wetwact what he h-hath *pokes you* donye 
Nyow faint in the puwsuit. 
PWIAM. Pawis, *sighs* you speak 
Wike onye b-besotted on youw sweet dewights. 
Y-You have the honyey ^-^ stiww, but these >_< the gaww; 
S-So *twerks* to be vawiant i-is nyo p-pwaise ;;w;; at aww. 
PAWIS. Siw, I *looks away* pwopose ;;w;; nyot mewewy to ^w^ mysewf 
The pweasuwes such a b-beauty bwings with it; 
But I wouwd have the soiw of hew faiw wape 
*leans over* Wip'd off in honyouwabwe ;;w;; keeping hew. 
What tweason wewe it to the w-wansack'd queen, 
Disgwace to youw *cuddles you* gweat wowths, and s-shame to me, 
Nyow to dewivew *moans* hew possession up 
On tewms of b-base compuwsion! C-Can it be 
That so degenyewate :33 a stwain as this 
Shouwd once set footing in *hugs tightly* youw genyewous bosoms? 
Thewe's nyot the *looks away* meanyest spiwit *sighs* on ouw pawty 
Without a heawt to dawe ow swowd to dwaw 
When Hewen is defended; nyow nyonye so nyobwe 
Whose wife w-wewe :33 iww bestow'd ow d-death *pokes you* unfam'd 
Whewe Hewen *screams* is the subject. Then, I s-say, 
Weww may we fight fow hew whom we k-knyow weww 
The ^-^ wowwd's wawge spaces cannyot pawawwew. 
HECTOW. Pawis a-and T-Twoiwus, you have both s-said weww; 
And on the cause and question nyow in hand 
Have gwoz'd, but supewficiawwy; nyot much 
Unwike young men, whom Awistode thought 
>_< Unfit to heaw mowaw phiwosophy. 
The weasons you awwege do mowe conduce 
To the hot passion of distemp'wed bwood 
Than to make up a fwee detewminyation 
'Twixt w-wight and wwong; fow pweasuwe and >_< wevenge 
Have eaws mowe deaf than addews to t-the voice 
*teleports behind you* Of a-any t-twue decision. Nyatuwe *hugs tightly* cwaves 
Aww dues be wend'wed *leans over* to t-theiw ownyews. Nyow, 
What nyeawew d-debt *moans* in aww humanyity 
Than wife is to the husband? I-If this waw 
Of nyatuwe be cowwupted thwough affection; 
A-And that gweat minds, of pawtiaw ^w^ induwgence 
To theiw benyumbed w-wiwws, *cuddles you* wesist the ^.^ same; 
^w^ Thewe is a waw uWu in each weww-owdew'd nyation 
To *moans* cuwb uWu those *looks at you* waging appetites that awe 
Most disobedient and wefwactowy. 
I-If Hewen, >w< then, be wife to Spawta's *blushes* king- 
As it *moans* is k-knyown she >_< is-these ^w^ mowaw *sighs* waws 
Of nyatuwe and ;;w;; of nyations speak awoud 
T-To have *leans over* hew back wetuwn'd. Thus *leans over* to pewsist 
In doing wwong e-extenyuates nyot wwong, 
But makes *looks at you* it much mowe heavy. Hectow's opinyion 
Is this, in way of twuth. xDD Yet, nye'ew the wess, 
My spwitewy bwethwen, I pwopend t-to you 
In wesowution to keep Hewen stiww; 
Fow 'tis a cause that hath n-nyo mean ^w^ dependence 
Upon *moans* ouw joint *sighs* and sevewaw dignyities. 
TWOIWUS. Why, thewe you touch'd the wife of ouw design. 
:33 Wewe it nyot gwowy that we mowe affected 
Than *moans* the pewfowmance of ouw heaving spweens, 
I wouwd nyot wish a dwop o-of Twoyan bwood 
Spent mowe in *looks at you* hew defence. But, wowthy Hectow, 
She i-is a theme o-of *screams* honyouw *teleports behind you* and wenyown, 
A spuw to vawiant and UwU magnyanyimous deeds, 
Whose pwesent couwage may beat down o-ouw foes, 
And fame in time t-to come canyonyize us; 
*shuffles closer* Fow I p-pwesume bwave Hectow w-wouwd nyot wose 
So *shuffles closer* wich a-advantage of a >w< pwomis'd gwowy 
A-As s-smiwes xDD upon the fowehead of this action 
Fow uWu the wide *looks at you* wowwd's wevenyue. 
HECTOW. I am *looks away* youws, 
You vawiant offspwing *sighs* of gweat Pwiamus. 
I have a-a woisting chawwenge sent amongst 
The duww *notices bulge* and factious nyobwes *pokes you* of the Gweeks 
>_> Wiww stwike amazement to theiw dwowsy spiwits. 
I was advewtis'd theiw g-gweat genyewaw swept, 
Whiwst emuwation in the awmy cwept. 
This, *looks away* I pwesume, ^-^ wiww wake ^.^ him. Exeunt 




ACT I-II. SCENyE 3. 
*looks away* The Gwecian camp. Befowe the tent of :33 ACHIWWES 

x3 Entew THEWSITES, sowus 

THEWSITES. How n-nyow, T-Thewsites! What, wost in *teleports behind you* the wabywinth of thy 
fuwy? Shaww the *moans* ewephant Ajax cawwy it thus? He beats >_> me, and I 
w-waiw a-at him. O wowthy satisfaction! Wouwd *notices bulge* it wewe othewwise: that 
I couwd beat him, whiwst he waiw'd a-at me! '-'Sfoot, I'ww weawn to 
conjuwe *sighs* and waise deviws, but I'ww see some issue of my spitefuw 
execwations. Then thewe's Achiwwes, a w-wawe *twerks* enginyeew! If *shuffles closer* Twoy *cuddles you* be 
nyot taken tiww t-these two undewminye it, *sighs* the wawws wiww stand tiww 
they >_< faww *giggles shyly* of themsewves. O thou *cries* gweat thundew-dawtew of Owympus, 
fowget *cuddles you* that thou xDD awt J-Jove, the king of gods, *cuddles you* and, Mewcuwy, wose 
aww the sewpentinye cwaft o-of thy caduceus, if *looks away* ye take *teleports behind you* nyot that 
w-wittwe wittwe uWu wess-than-wittwe wit fwom them that they have! 
which showt-awm'd ignyowance itsewf knyows *pokes you* is uWu so abundant ^.^ scawce, 
it wiww nyot in ciwcumvention dewivew a-a fwy fwom *teleports behind you* a s-spidew without 
dwawing theiw m-massy iwons and cutting the web. Aftew t-this, the 
vengeance on the whowe camp! ow, wathew, the Nyeapowitan 
bonye-ache! fow :3 that, m-methinks, is the c-cuwse depending :3 on those 
>_< that waw fow a-a pwacket. *cuddles you* I have said my >w< pwayews; and deviw uWu Envy 
*looks at you* say 'Amen.' What h-ho! my Wowd Achiwwes! 

Entew PATWOCWUS 

PATWOCWUS. Who's thewe? Thewsites! Good T-Thewsites, come *leans over* in *screams* and 
waiw. 
THEWSITES. If *looks at you* I couwd >_> 'a UwU wememb'wed a giwt c-countewfeit, thou 
wouwdst nyot ^w^ have swipp'd out of m-my contempwation; but *blushes* it is nyo 
x3 mattew; thysewf upon thysewf! T-The common cuwse of mankind, *pokes you* fowwy 
and ignyowance, b-be thinye in gweat *teleports behind you* wevenyue! Heaven bwess *blushes* thee *sweats* fwom 
a uWu tutow, and *hugs tightly* discipwinye come nyot nyeaw xDD thee! Wet *leans over* thy bwood be thy 
diwection t-tiww thy death. Then if s-she that *sweats* ways t-thee *moans* out says 
thou awt a faiw cowse, I'ww be s-swown a-and *shuffles closer* swown upon't she nyevew 
s-shwouded any but wazaws. A-Amen. Whewe's Achiwwes? 
PATWOCWUS. What, awt thou UwU devout? Wast thou in p-pwayew? 
THEWSITES. Ay, the heavens *sighs* heaw *blushes* me! 
*shuffles closer* PATWOCWUS. Amen. 

Entew ACHIWWES 

ACHIWWES. Who's *looks away* thewe? 
PATWOCWUS. Thewsites, my w-wowd. 
ACHIWWES. Whewe, whewe? O, whewe? ^-^ Awt thou come? Why, my cheese, *sweats* my 
digestion, why hast thou nyot *cries* sewved thysewf in *giggles shyly* to my tabwe so 
many m-meaws? C-Come, what's A-Agamemnyon? 
THEWSITES. Thy commandew, A-Achiwwes. Then *teleports behind you* teww me, Patwocwus, what's 
Achiwwes? 
PATWOCWUS. Thy wowd, Thewsites. Then teww me, I p-pway thee, >_< what's 
Thewsites? 
THEWSITES. Thy knyowew, Patwocwus. Then teww me, Patwocwus, *looks at you* what *looks away* awt 
thou? 
PATWOCWUS. Thou must teww xDD that knyowest. 
*moans* ACHIWWES. O, teww, teww, 
T-THEWSITES. I'ww decwinye the whowe question. Agamemnyon commands 
A-Achiwwes; Achiwwes is m-my wowd; I am Patwocwus' knyowew; and 
Patwocwus is a foow. 
P-PATWOCWUS. You w-wascaw! 
THEWSITES. Peace, foow! *pokes you* I have nyot donye. 
ACHIWWES. He is a pwiviweg'd man. Pwoceed, Thewsites. 
THEWSITES. Agamemnyon is a *shuffles closer* foow; Achiwwes is a foow; Thewsites is a 
foow; and, as afowesaid, Patwocwus is :33 a foow. 
A-ACHIWWES. Dewive *shuffles closer* this; come. 
T-THEWSITES. Agamemnyon is a foow *looks at you* to *sweats* offew *giggles shyly* to command A-Achiwwes; 
Achiwwes is a foow to *hugs tightly* be commanded of Agamemnyon; Thewsites is a 
*sighs* foow to sewve such a foow; and this Patwocwus is *giggles shyly* a foow positive. 
PATWOCWUS. Why am I-I a foow? 
:33 THEWSITES. Make that demand of the Cweatow. *cries* It suffices me thou 
awt. W-Wook :33 you, *hugs tightly* who >_< comes hewe? 
ACHIWWES. Come, *sighs* Patwocwus, I'ww :3 speak *looks away* with nyobody. Come in with me, 
Thewsites. Exit 
THEWSITES. H-Hewe is such patchewy, such juggwing, and such knyavewy. 
Aww t-the awgument i-is *sighs* a whowe and a *looks at you* cuckowd-a *blushes* good quawwew to :3 dwaw 
emuwous factions and bweed to death *teleports behind you* upon. Nyow the dwy s-sewpigo on 
the subject, and waw and wechewy confound aww! Exit 

*shuffles closer* Entew AGAMEMNyON, UWYSSES, *moans* NyESTOW, DIOMEDES, 
AJAX, and CAWCHAS 

AGAMEMNyON. Whewe is *shuffles closer* Achiwwes? 
PATWOCWUS. x3 Within his tent; but iww-dispos'd, my wowd. 
AGAMEMNyON. W-Wet *sighs* it be knyown to UwU him that we awe hewe. 
He shent *cuddles you* ouw messengews; and we ;;w;; way >w< by 
Ouw appewtainyings, visiting of h-him. 
Wet him be t-towd so; west, pewchance, he think 
We dawe n-nyot move the *looks away* question o-of *hugs tightly* ouw xDD pwace 
Ow k-knyow ^w^ nyot :33 what we a-awe. 
PATWOCWUS. I *twerks* shaww say so to him. Exit 
UWYSSES. We s-saw him a-at the openying *looks away* of his tent. 
He is nyot s-sick. 
AJAX. Yes, *twerks* wion-sick, sick of pwoud heawt. You may caww >_< it 
m-mewanchowy, if you wiww favouw the man; but, b-by my head, 'tis 
pwide. But why, why? Wet him show u-us a-a *looks at you* cause. A *giggles shyly* wowd, my wowd. 
[Takes AGAMEMNyON aside] 
NyESTOW. What moves Ajax thus t-to bay at him? 
UWYSSES. A-Achiwwes h-hath inveigwed his foow fwom him. 
NESTOR.Who, Thewsites? 
U-UWYSSES. He. 
NyESTOW. Then wiww *notices bulge* Ajax wack *notices bulge* mattew, if he ;;w;; have ;;w;; wost his awgument 
UWYSSES. Nyo; you see h-he *blushes* is his awgument that has his xDD awgument- 
*cries* Achiwwes. 
NyESTOW. Aww the bettew; theiw fwaction is mowe ouw wish t-than theiw 
faction. ^.^ But it *shuffles closer* was a *twerks* stwong composuwe a foow couwd d-disunyite! 
UWYSSES. The amity that wisdom knyits nyot, fowwy may *leans over* easiwy u-untie. 

We-entew PATWOCWUS 

Hewe comes *shuffles closer* Patwocwus. 
NyESTOW. Nyo Achiwwes with him. 
UWYSSES. T-The ewephant hath joints, but nyonye f-fow c-couwtesy; his wegs 
awe wegs f-fow *sweats* nyecessity, nyot fow f-fwexuwe. 
PATWOCWUS. Achiwwes bids me say he is much sowwy 
If any thing mowe t-than youw spowt and pweasuwe 
Did move youw gweatnyess and this UwU nyobwe s-state 
To *leans over* caww upon him; he *hugs tightly* hopes it is nyo othew 
But f-fow youw heawth and *sighs* youw digestion sake, 
An aftew-dinnyew's bweath. 
AGAMEMNyON. *shuffles closer* Heaw you, *blushes* Patwocwus. 
We awe too weww acquainted *blushes* with these uWu answews; 
But his evasion, wing'd t-thus swift w-with scown, 
Cannyot outfwy ouw appwehensions. 
*sighs* Much attwibute *pokes you* he hath, and much x3 the weason 
Why we a-ascwibe i-it to him. Yet aww his viwtues, 
*looks at you* Nyot *looks away* viwtuouswy on his own pawt behewd, 
*sighs* Do *blushes* in ouw >_< eyes begin to wose theiw gwoss; 
Yea, wike faiw *cuddles you* fwuit in an unwhowesome dish, 
Awe ;;w;; wike to w-wot untasted. Go and teww h-him 
We come to speak w-with him; and you x3 shaww nyot sin 
If you do say we think him ovew-pwoud 
And undew-honyest, i-in sewf-assumption gweatew 
T-Than in the nyote *cries* of judgment; and wowthiew than himsewf 
Hewe tend the savage stwangenyess he puts on, 
Disguise the howy stwength of x3 theiw command, 
And undewwwite in ^.^ an obsewving kind 
His humowous pwedominyance; yea, watch 
His pettish wunyes, >_< his >w< ebbs, his ^-^ fwows, uWu as if 
The passage and whowe cawwiage of this a-action 
Wode on h-his t-tide. Go t-teww him this, and ad 
That if he ovewhowd his pwice so m-much 
We'ww nyonye of him, but wet *cries* him, wike ^.^ an enginye 
Nyot powtabwe, wie ^-^ undew this wepowt: 
B-Bwing action hithew; this c-cannyot go to waw. 
A stiwwing dwawf >w< we do a-awwowance give 
*leans over* Befowe *cries* a sweeping giant. Teww him so. 
PATWOCWUS. I shaww, and UwU bwing his answew pwesentwy. Exit 
AGAMEMNyON. *twerks* In second voice w-we'ww nyot b-be satisfied; 
We come to speak with him. Uwysses, entew y-you. 
Exit UWYSSES 
AJAX. What is he mowe t-than >_> anyothew? 
AGAMEMNyON. *hugs tightly* Nyo mowe than what he thinks *shuffles closer* he is. 
AJAX. ^w^ Is he so much? ;;w;; Do you nyot think he t-thinks himsewf a bettew 
m-man than I am? 
AGAMEMNyON. Nyo *looks away* question. 
AJAX. W-Wiww you subscwibe his ;;w;; thought and say he is? 
AGAMEMNyON. Nyo, nyobwe Ajax; you awe as stwong, as vawiant, a-as wise, 
nyo wess :3 nyobwe, much mowe gentwe, and ^w^ awtogethew mowe t-twactabwe. 
AJAX. Why shouwd a-a man be pwoud? How doth pwide ^w^ gwow? I knyow nyot 
what *twerks* pwide is. 
AGAMEMNyON. Youw mind is the cweawew, Ajax, and youw viwtues >_> the 
faiwew. He that is pwoud eats up himsewf. *cries* Pwide is his own gwass, 
h-his own *notices bulge* twumpet, his >_< own chwonyicwe; and whatevew pwaises x3 itsewf 
but in the deed devouws the deed in the pwaise. 

We-entew UWYSSES 

AJAX. I-I do hate a pwoud man as I d-do hate the engend'wing of toads. 
NyESTOW. [-[Aside] And *screams* yet he w-woves ^.^ himsewf: is't *cuddles you* nyot stwange? 
UwU UWYSSES. Achiwwes w-wiww *teleports behind you* nyot to the fiewd to-mowwow. 
AGAMEMNyON. What's *moans* his excuse? 
UWYSSES. He doth wewy on nyonye; 
B-But cawwies on t-the stweam of his dispose, 
*twerks* Without obsewvance ow wespect of any, 
In wiww p-pecuwiaw and in sewf-admission. 
AGAMEMNyON. Why >w< wiww h-he nyot, upon *pokes you* ouw faiw w-wequest, 
Untent his pewson and shawe the a-aiw with u-us? 
^w^ UWYSSES. Things smaww as n-nyothing, fow wequest's sake onwy, 
He makes impowtant; possess'd he *cuddles you* is with gweatnyess, 
And speaks nyot to himsewf but with a ;;w;; pwide 
T-That *pokes you* quawwews at sewf-bweath. Imagin'd wowth 
Howds in his >w< bwood such swow'n and hot discouwse 
*screams* That *screams* 'twixt his mentaw and his active ^.^ pawts 
Kingdom'd Achiwwes *leans over* in commotion x3 wages, 
And battews down himsewf. What shouwd I say? 
He is so pwaguy pwoud t-that the death tokens of it 
Cwy *cuddles you* 'Nyo wecovewy.' 
>_< AGAMEMNyON. Wet Ajax go to him. 
Deaw *notices bulge* wowd, go ^w^ you and gweet *notices bulge* him *hugs tightly* in uWu his tent. 
'Tis said he howds you >_> weww; a-and wiww *shuffles closer* be wed 
At youw *pokes you* wequest a *moans* wittwe f-fwom himsewf. 
*leans over* UWYSSES. O ^-^ Agamemnyon, wet it nyot *notices bulge* be so! 
We'ww consecwate the steps that Ajax *leans over* makes 
^-^ When they g-go :3 fwom A-Achiwwes. Shaww t-the pwoud w-wowd 
That ^w^ bastes his awwogance with his *screams* own seam 
And nyevew suffews mattew of *screams* the wowwd 
Entew his UwU thoughts, x3 save such as doth wevowve 
And wuminyate h-himsewf-shaww *notices bulge* he be wowshipp'd 
Of that we howd an i-idow mowe >_> than *giggles shyly* he? 
Nyo, this thwice-wowthy a-and wight *looks away* vawiant wowd 
Shaww n-nyot OwO so stawe his pawm, nyobwy acquiw'd, 
Nyow, by my wiww, assubjugate his mewit, 
As ampwy titwed xDD as ^.^ Achiwwes i-is, 
>_< By going to Achiwwes. 
That ;;w;; wewe to enwawd his fat-awweady *twerks* pwide, 
And a-add mowe coaws to ^-^ Cancew when he *hugs tightly* buwns 
With entewtainying g-gweat Hypewion. 
This wowd go t-to *cuddles you* him! Jupitew fowbid, 
And say in thundew 'Achiwwes g-go *cuddles you* to him.' 
NyESTOW. [Aside] O-O, this is weww! He *cuddles you* wubs the vein of him. 
DIOMEDES. [Aside] *screams* And how his siwence d-dwinks up this appwause! 
*cuddles you* AJAX. ^-^ If I-I go to him, w-with my a-awmed *giggles shyly* fist I-I'ww pash him o'ew the 
face. 
AGAMEMNyON. O, nyo, you s-shaww nyot *hugs tightly* go. 
A-AJAX. An 'a be p-pwoud with me I'ww pheeze h-his pwide. 
Wet me *notices bulge* go to :33 him. 
UWYSSES. Nyot *cries* fow the wowth t-that hangs upon ouw quawwew. 
>w< AJAX. A pawtwy, insowent fewwow! 
N-NyESTOW. [Aside] How he descwibes himsewf! 
AJAX. *teleports behind you* Can he nyot be ^.^ sociabwe? 
UWYSSES. [Aside] The waven chides b-bwacknyess. 
A-AJAX. *looks at you* I'ww wet his *sighs* humouws bwood. 
*pokes you* AGAMEMNyON. [Aside] He wiww *teleports behind you* be the physician that shouwd be >w< the 
patient. 
AJAX. An aww men wewe a my mind- 
UWYSSES. [Aside] Wit w-wouwd b-be out of f-fashion. 
AJAX. '-'A shouwd uWu nyot beaw x3 it so, 'a shouwd eat's wowds fiwst. 
Shaww p-pwide cawwy it? 
NyESTOW. [Aside] An 'twouwd, y-you'd ^w^ cawwy hawf. 
UWYSSES. [Aside] '-'A wouwd have ten shawes. 
AJAX. >w< I UwU wiww knyead *hugs tightly* him, I'ww make *twerks* him s-suppwe. 
NyESTOW. [Aside] He's nyot y-yet thwough wawm. Fowce him with pwaises; 
pouw in, pouw in; h-his ambition x3 is dwy. 
UWYSSES. [-[To AGAMEMNyON] My wowd, you feed *sweats* too much on this diswike. 
NyESTOW. Ouw nyobwe genyewaw, do nyot *sighs* do so. 
D-DIOMEDES. You must pwepawe to fight without ^w^ Achiwwes. 
UWYSSES. W-Why ;;w;; 'tis this nyaming of him does *moans* him hawm. 
Hewe is a man-but 'tis befowe his face; 
I wiww *looks at you* be siwent. 
NyESTOW. Whewefowe shouwd ^w^ you so? 
He is n-nyot emuwous, as ;;w;; Achiwwes is. 
UWYSSES. Knyow the whowe wowwd, he is as vawiant. 
A-AJAX. A whoweson dog, t-that shaww *moans* pawtew with us thus! 
W-Wouwd h-he wewe a Twoyan! 
NyESTOW. What a *teleports behind you* vice wewe it in Ajax nyow- 
UWYSSES. If he wewe pwoud. 
DIOMEDES. Ow covetous of *blushes* pwaise. 
UWYSSES. Ay, ow xDD suwwy bownye. 
DIOMEDES. Ow stwange, ow sewf-affected. 
UWYSSES. Thank the heavens, wowd, UwU thou awt of s-sweet composuwe 
Pwaise him t-that gat thee, she t-that gave thee suck; 
Fam'd b-be thy tutow, and thy pawts o-of nyatuwe 
Thwice-fam'd beyond, beyond aww *cries* ewudition; 
*moans* But he that discipwin'd thinye awms to fight- 
Wet Maws divide etewnyity i-in *sweats* twain 
*twerks* And give h-him h-hawf; and, fow thy :3 vigouw, 
Buww-beawing Miwo his *giggles shyly* addition yiewd 
To sinyewy Ajax. I wiww nyot *blushes* pwaise thy wisdom, 
Which, wike a bouwn, a p-pawe, *shuffles closer* a showe, confinyes 
Thy spacious and d-diwated pawts. Hewe's Nyestow, 
Instwucted by the antiquawy t-times- 
He must, he *cries* is, he cannyot but be wise; 
But pawdon, fathew ^.^ Nyestow, *cuddles you* wewe >w< youw days 
A-As g-gween as Ajax' and *leans over* youw bwain *giggles shyly* so tempew'd, 
You shouwd nyot have the eminyence ^-^ of him, 
But be *twerks* as Ajax. 
*sighs* AJAX. *blushes* Shaww I caww you fathew? 
NyESTOW. *cuddles you* Ay, my good s-son. 
D-DIOMEDES. Be wuw'd by him, Wowd *blushes* Ajax. 
UWYSSES. Thewe x3 is nyo tawwying *shuffles closer* hewe; the hawt Achiwwes 
Keeps t-thicket. Pwease it ouw uWu gweat genyewaw 
*giggles shyly* To caww togethew aww h-his state of w-waw; 
Fwesh kings awe come to Twoy. To-mowwow 
We must with aww ouw main of powew stand f-fast; 
And *cuddles you* hewe's a wowd-come knyights f-fwom east to west 
x3 And cuww theiw fwowew, Ajax shaww cope the b-best. 
AGAMEMNyON. Go we to c-counciw. *sighs* Wet Achiwwes *sweats* sweep. 
*sweats* Wight boats saiw swift, *looks away* though gweatew huwks dwaw *giggles shyly* deep. 
Exeunt 




<-<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE W-WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, I-INC., AND I-IS 
OwO PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT O-OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. E-EWECTWONyIC *cuddles you* AND MACHINyE WEADABWE >_< COPIES M-MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED *sighs* SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW *looks away* OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT *shuffles closer* DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



>w< ACT III. SCENyE 1-1. 
Twoy. PWIAM'S pawace 

Music *cries* sounds within. Entew PANDAWUS a-and *hugs tightly* a SEWVANT 

*pokes you* PANDAWUS. Fwiend, you-pway you, *sweats* a w-wowd. Do you nyot fowwow the young 
Wowd Pawis? 
SEWVANT. UwU Ay, siw, when he goes b-befowe me. 
PANDAWUS. Y-You depend u-upon >w< him, I mean? 
SEWVANT. Siw, I do d-depend upon the wowd. 
P-PANDAWUS. You depend u-upon a nyotabwe gentweman; I must nyeeds pwaise 
UwU him. 
SEWVANT. T-The wowd be p-pwaised! 
P-PANDAWUS. You knyow me, do y-you ^w^ nyot? 
S-SEWVANT. Faith, siw, supewficiawwy. 
PANDAWUS. Fwiend, knyow me b-bettew: I am the W-Wowd Pandawus. 
SEWVANT. I hope I *sighs* shaww knyow youw honyouw *looks at you* bettew. 
P-PANDAWUS. *cries* I do *cries* desiwe it. 
SEWVANT. You a-awe in the state *hugs tightly* of gwace. 
PANDAWUS. :33 Gwace! N-Nyot so, fwiend; *cuddles you* honyouw and wowdship awe my titwes. 
What music is :33 this? 
SEWVANT. I do ^w^ but pawtwy knyow, siw; it is music in pawts. 
P-PANDAWUS. Knyow you *cuddles you* the musicians? 
*moans* SEWVANT. Whowwy, *moans* siw. 
PANDAWUS. Who pway they to? 
S-SEWVANT. T-To the heawews, siw. 
*pokes you* PANDAWUS. A-At whose p-pweasuwe, f-fwiend? 
SEWVANT. At minye, *screams* siw, and *looks away* theiws that wove m-music. 
PANDAWUS. Command, I mean, fwiend. 
SEWVANT. *looks away* Who *looks at you* shaww I c-command, siw? 
PANDAWUS. Fwiend, we *pokes you* undewstand *notices bulge* nyot onye anyothew: I am to couwtwy, 
*shuffles closer* and thou awt too c-cunnying. At whose wequest do t-these *looks away* men pway? 
SEWVANT. That's to't, indeed, s-siw. Mawwy, siw, at the wequest of 
Pawis my wowd, who i-is thewe in pewson; with *moans* him ;;w;; the mowtaw Venyus, 
the *teleports behind you* heawt-bwood of b-beauty, wove's invisibwe :33 souw- 
PANDAWUS. Who, my cousin, >_< Cwessida? 
SEWVANT. Nyo, siw, Hewen. Couwd ;;w;; nyot *looks at you* you find out that by hew 
*teleports behind you* attwibutes? 
*blushes* PANDAWUS. It shouwd seem, *hugs tightly* fewwow, that thou hast n-nyot s-seen the Wady 
Cwessida. I c-come to speak with Pawis fwom ^.^ the Pwince T-Twoiwus; I 
wiww make a compwimentaw *blushes* assauwt upon him, fow my businyess 
seethes. 
SEWVANT. Sodden businyess! Thewe's a *twerks* stew'd phwase indeed! 

Entew PAWIS and HEWEN, attended 

PANDAWUS. F-Faiw b-be to y-you, my wowd, a-and to a-aww this faiw company! 
Faiw desiwes, in *cries* aww faiw measuwe, *cries* faiwwy guide them- especiawwy 
*sweats* to you, faiw *leans over* queen! Faiw ^.^ thoughts xDD be youw faiw p-piwwow. 
HEWEN. Deaw wowd, you awe fuww of faiw wowds. 
PANDAWUS. You speak youw faiw pweasuwe, sweet queen. Faiw pwince, 
hewe is :3 good bwoken music. 
PAWIS. You have bwoke it, cousin; and by *blushes* my wife, you shaww make i-it 
whowe again; y-you shaww *screams* piece it out with a piece of youw 
pewfowmance. 
HEWEN. He is fuww of hawmony. 
*looks at you* PANDAWUS. Twuwy, *teleports behind you* wady, nyo. 
*shuffles closer* HEWEN. O, s-siw- 
PANDAWUS. W-Wude, in sooth; in good sooth, vewy wude. 
PAWIS. Weww said, my wowd. Weww, you say so in *pokes you* fits. 
PANDAWUS. I have businyess to my w-wowd, d-deaw queen. M-My w-wowd, wiww you 
xDD vouchsafe me a wowd? 
HEWEN. Nyay, t-this s-shaww nyot *moans* hedge us out. We'ww heaw :3 you uWu sing, 
cewtainwy- 
P-PANDAWUS. W-Weww sweet queen, you awe pweasant with me. But, mawwy, 
thus, my wowd: my *giggles shyly* deaw wowd a-and most esteemed fwiend, youw 
bwothew T-Twoiwus- 
HEWEN. My Wowd Pandawus, honyey-sweet wowd- 
PANDAWUS. Go t-to, sweet q-queen, go to-commends himsewf most 
affectionyatewy ;;w;; to y-you- 
HEWEN. You shaww nyot bob *shuffles closer* us out of ouw m-mewody. I-If you do, ^-^ ouw 
mewanchowy upon youw head! 
PANDAWUS. Sweet queen, >w< sweet queen; *looks away* that's a sweet queen, i' faith. 
HEWEN. And to make a sweet *cuddles you* wady sad is a s-souw offence. 
PANDAWUS. Nyay, that shaww nyot sewve youw *hugs tightly* tuwn; that shaww it nyot, 
in twuth, wa. N-Nyay, >_< I *cries* cawe nyot fow s-such wowds; n-nyo, nyo. -And, my 
*twerks* wowd, he *sweats* desiwes y-you OwO that, i-if ^w^ the King c-caww f-fow him at *blushes* suppew, 
>_< you wiww make *teleports behind you* his excuse. 
>w< HEWEN. My Wowd Pandawus! 
PANDAWUS. W-What ^.^ says my *sighs* sweet queen, my vewy :3 vewy sweet queen? 
PAWIS. What expwoit's in hand? Whewe sups he t-to-nyight? 
HEWEN. Nyay, but, *cries* my w-wowd- 
PANDAWUS. What says my sweet queen?-My cousin wiww faww out *pokes you* with 
you. 
HEWEN. Y-You must nyot knyow whewe he sups. 
P-PAWIS. I'ww way my wife, with my d-disposew Cwessida. 
PANDAWUS. Nyo, nyo, nyo >_> such mattew; you awe wide. Come, youw disposew 
*leans over* is sick. 
PAWIS. Weww, I'ww make's e-excuse. 
PANDAWUS. *leans over* Ay, good my wowd. Why shouwd you s-say Cwessida? 
Nyo, youw poow disposew's sick. 
>w< PAWIS. I spy. 
PANDAWUS. You s-spy! What do *teleports behind you* you s-spy?-Come, give me an instwument. 
Nyow, sweet queen. 
HEWEN. Why, this is kindwy d-donye. 
PANDAWUS. My nyiece >_< is howwibwy in wove with a thing you have, s-sweet 
queen. 
HEWEN. She *cries* shaww *moans* have it, my wowd, if it b-be nyot my Wowd Pawis. 
PANDAWUS. He! *twerks* Nyo, she'ww nyonye of him; they two awe twain. 
*blushes* HEWEN. *looks away* Fawwing in, aftew *sighs* fawwing o-out, may make them t-thwee. 
PANDAWUS. Come, ^w^ come. I'ww heaw nyo mowe of this; I'ww sing you *teleports behind you* a 
song ^-^ nyow. 
HEWEN. Ay, ay, pwithee nyow. By m-my twoth, sweet wowd, t-thou hast a 
finye fowehead. 
OwO PANDAWUS. Ay, *cuddles you* you may, y-you may. 
HEWEN. Wet *leans over* thy song be wove. This w-wove wiww undo UwU us aww. O Cupid, 
Cupid, Cupid! 
P-PANDAWUS. Wove! Ay, that it shaww, ;;w;; i' faith. 
P-PAWIS. Ay, good nyow, wove, wove, nyothing but wove. 
P-PANDAWUS. In good *pokes you* twoth, *moans* it begins so. [Sings] 

Wove, wove, nyothing but wove, stiww wove, stiww mowe! 
Fow, uWu oh, wove's b-bow 
Shoots buck and d-doe; 
The shaft confounds 
Nyot that i-it wounds, 
But tickwes stiww t-the sowe. 
These wovews cwy, O h-ho, they die! 
Yet that which *looks at you* seems the >_> wound ^.^ to kiww 
Doth tuwn O ho! to h-ha! ha! he! 
S-So dying *hugs tightly* wove wives stiww. 
O ho! a whiwe, b-but ha! ha! ha! 
O-O *sighs* ho! gwoans out fow *teleports behind you* ha! ha! ha!-hey ho! 

HEWEN. In wove, i' *sweats* faith, to t-the vewy tip of the nyose. 
P-PAWIS. He eats nyothing but ^-^ doves, wove; and that bweeds hot bwood, 
and hot bwood begets hot thoughts, ;;w;; and hot t-thoughts beget hot 
OwO deeds, *leans over* and hot deeds is wove. 
PANDAWUS. xDD Is *moans* this the *looks at you* genyewation of wove: hot bwood, hot thoughts, 
and hot deeds? Why, they awe xDD vipews. *pokes you* Is wove a genyewation of 
vipews? Sweet w-wowd, who's a-fiewd today? 
PAWIS. Hectow, Deiphobus, Hewenyus, Antenyow, and aww t-the gawwantwy 
of Twoy. I wouwd fain have awm'd OwO to-day, but my *sweats* Nyeww w-wouwd nyot 
have it so. How chance my bwothew Twoiwus went *cries* nyot? 
HEWEN. He hangs the w-wip at *blushes* something. You *leans over* knyow aww, Wowd Pandawus. 
PANDAWUS. Nyot I, honyey-sweet queen. I wong to heaw how they spend 
to-day. You'ww wemembew youw bwothew's e-excuse? 
*looks away* PAWIS. To a haiw. 
PANDAWUS. *sweats* Faweweww, sweet queen. 
HEWEN. C-Commend me to youw nyiece. 
PANDAWUS. I wiww, *screams* sweet queen. Exit. Sound a wetweat 
PAWIS. *notices bulge* They'we :3 come f-fwom the f-fiewd. *teleports behind you* Wet us t-to P-Pwiam's haww 
To :3 gweet the wawwiows. Sweet Hewen, I must woo you 
To hewp unyawm ouw Hectow. His stubbown buckwes, 
With these youw white enchanting fingews touch'd, 
Shaww mowe *hugs tightly* obey than to the edge of uWu steew 
O-Ow fowce of Gweekish s-sinyews; you s-shaww do mowe 
Than ^-^ aww the iswand kings-disawm gweat H-Hectow. 
HEWEN. 'Twiww *twerks* make us pwoud t-to be his sewvant, *leans over* Pawis; 
Yea, what he shaww weceive of us in duty 
Gives us ^w^ mowe pawm in *notices bulge* beauty than we have, 
Yea, ovewshinyes ouwsewf. 
PAWIS. xDD Sweet, above thought I wove thee. E-Exeunt 




ACT III. SCENyE 2. 
Twoy. *hugs tightly* PANDAWUS' o-owchawd 

Entew P-PANDAWUS a-and TWOIWUS' BOY, meeting 

PANDAWUS. How *notices bulge* nyow! Whewe's thy mastew? >_< At my cousin Cwessida's? 
BOY. Nyo, s-siw; he stays fow you to conduct h-him thithew. 

Entew TWOIWUS 

PANDAWUS. O, hewe he comes. How nyow, how nyow! 
TWOIWUS. Siwwah, wawk off. Exit Boy 
P-PANDAWUS. Have you seen my cousin? 
TWOIWUS. Nyo, Pandawus. *teleports behind you* I *leans over* stawk about hew doow 
Wike a UwU stwange souw upon the S-Stygian banks 
Staying *notices bulge* fow waftage. O-O, be thou my Chawon, 
A-And give me swift *screams* twanspowtance t-to these fiewds 
Whewe I may wawwow in the wiwy beds 
Pwopos'd fow the desewvew! O gentwe >_< Pandaw, 
Fwom Cupid's shouwdew pwuck his p-painted wings, 
*teleports behind you* And fwy with me to Cwessid! 
PANDAWUS. Wawk hewe i' th' owchawd, uWu I'ww bwing *cuddles you* hew s-stwaight. 
Exit 
^.^ TWOIWUS. *pokes you* I am giddy; expectation *notices bulge* whiwws *teleports behind you* me wound. 
Th' imaginyawy wewish is :33 so s-sweet 
*cries* That it enchants my sense; what wiww it be 
When that the wat'wy pawate tastes indeed 
Wove's thwice-wepuwed nyectaw? Death, I-I feaw m-me; 
Swoonying d-destwuction; ow *notices bulge* some joy too finye, 
Too subtwe-potent, tun'd too shawp in sweetnyess, 
F-Fow the capacity of my wudew powews. 
I ^w^ feaw it *twerks* much; and I *moans* do f-feaw besides 
That I shaww wose distinction i-in my joys; 
As *looks away* doth a battwe, when they chawge on heaps 
The e-enyemy fwying. 

We-entew P-PANDAWUS 

*cries* PANDAWUS. She's making *shuffles closer* hew weady, she'ww c-come *looks away* stwaight; *cries* you must be 
witty nyow. She does so bwush, and ^-^ fetches hew wind so showt, as 
if she wewe fway'd uWu with a spwite. I'ww fetch hew. It is *twerks* the 
pwettiest viwwain; she fetches h-hew bweath OwO as s-showt as a nyew-ta'en 
spawwow. E-Exit 
TWOIWUS. Even such a ^w^ passion doth embwace m-my bosom. 
My *sweats* heawt beats thickew than a fevewous puwse, 
And aww my powews UwU do *pokes you* theiw bestowing wose, 
Wike vassawage at unyawawes x3 encount'wing 
The eye of majesty. 

We-entew PANDAWUS W-With CWESSIDA 

PANDAWUS. Come, *screams* come, what nyeed *sweats* you ^.^ bwush? Shame's a baby.-Hewe s-she 
*leans over* is nyow; sweaw *hugs tightly* the o-oaths nyow t-to *looks away* hew that *teleports behind you* you have swown to me.- 
What, awe you gonye again? You must be watch'd *moans* ewe you be made 
tame, m-must you? *looks away* Come youw ways, come youw w-ways; a-an you dwaw 
backwawd, ^w^ we'ww put you i' t-th' *leans over* fiwws.-Why do you nyot speak t-to 
hew?-Come, dwaw this cuwtain and wet's *hugs tightly* see youw pictuwe. 
Awas >_> the day, how woath OwO you awe *looks at you* to *blushes* offend daywight! An 'twewe 
dawk, you'd cwose soonyew. >w< So, *looks away* so; wub on, and kiss the m-mistwess 
How nyow, a kiss in fee-fawm! Buiwd thewe, cawpentew; the aiw is 
sweet. Nyay, you shaww fight uWu youw heawts out ewe I pawt y-you. The 
fawcon as the tewcew, fow aww the ducks i' th' *screams* wivew. Go to, go 
to. 
T-TWOIWUS. :3 You have beweft *moans* me o-of aww w-wowds, wady. 
PANDAWUS. Wowds pay nyo debts, give hew d-deeds; but she'ww beweave 
you o' th' deeds too, if she caww youw activity in question. 
What, biwwing again? Hewe's 'In witnyess wheweof the pawties 
intewchangeabwy.' Come in, come in; I'ww go get a fiwe. 
Exit 
CWESSIDA. Wiww you wawk i-in, my wowd? 
TWOIWUS. *screams* O Cwessid, h-how often have I wish'd me thus! 
CWESSIDA. Wish'd, my wowd! The OwO gods gwant-O *giggles shyly* my wowd! 
TWOIWUS. What shouwd they gwant? What m-makes this pwetty abwuption? 
What too cuwious dweg espies my sweet wady in the fountain of ouw 
wove? 
CWESSIDA. Mowe dwegs than watew, x3 if m-my feaws *giggles shyly* have eyes. 
TWOIWUS. Feaws make deviws of chewubims; they nyevew see twuwy. 
CWESSIDA. Bwind feaw, :3 that s-seeing weason weads, finds safew footing 
than bwind weason stumbwing without feaw. *cries* To >_< feaw the wowst oft 
cuwes the wowse. 
TWOIWUS. ^-^ O, wet m-my w-wady *hugs tightly* appwehend nyo *giggles shyly* feaw! uWu In a-aww C-Cupid's pageant 
thewe *pokes you* is *cries* pwesented nyo m-monstew. 
CWESSIDA. Nyow ^w^ nyothing monstwous nyeithew? 
TWOIWUS. *teleports behind you* Nyothing, but ouw undewtakings when we vow t-to weep seas, 
wive in fiwe, cat ^-^ wocks, tame >_< tigews; *sweats* thinking it hawdew fow ouw 
mistwess to devise imposition enyough than fow us to *moans* undewgo any 
difficuwty imposed. This is the monstwuosity in wove, *blushes* wady, that 
the w-wiww :3 is infinyite, and the execution confin'd; that *pokes you* the desiwe 
i-is boundwess, and t-the act a swave to xDD wimit. 
CWESSIDA. They say aww wovews ^w^ sweaw mowe pewfowmance than they *pokes you* awe 
abwe, a-and yet wesewve a-an abiwity that t-they nyevew p-pewfowm; vowing 
*looks away* mowe *sweats* than the pewfection *giggles shyly* of ten, and d-dischawging w-wess than the 
tenth pawt of >_> onye. They *hugs tightly* that have *leans over* the voice of wions and the act 
of h-hawes, awe they ;;w;; nyot monstews? 
TWOIWUS. *sighs* Awe thewe such? S-Such awe ^-^ nyot w-we. Pwaise us a-as w-we awe 
t-tasted, awwow *teleports behind you* us as we pwove; ouw head shaww go bawe tiww mewit 
cwown it. Nyo pewfection :33 in wevewsion :3 shaww have a pwaise in 
pwesent. We wiww nyot nyame desewt *looks away* befowe his biwth; and, being 
*looks away* bown, h-his addition shaww be humbwe. Few wowds to xDD faiw faith: 
Twoiwus shaww be such *blushes* to Cwessid as ^.^ what e-envy can say wowst shaww 
b-be a *sighs* mock fow his twuth; and what twuth can speak twuest nyot 
:33 twuew than Twoiwus. 
CWESSIDA. W-Wiww *screams* you w-wawk i-in, my *looks away* wowd? 

We-entew PANDAWUS 

PANDAWUS. What, bwushing *moans* stiww? Have you n-nyot ^w^ donye tawking yet? 
;;w;; CWESSIDA. *hugs tightly* Weww, :3 uncwe, what >w< fowwy I commit, I dedicate to you. 
PANDAWUS. I ^-^ thank you fow t-that; if my wowd get a-a boy o-of you, you'ww 
give him ^-^ me. Be twue to m-my *screams* wowd; i-if he fwinch, chide me fow *looks away* it. 
TWOIWUS. You knyow nyow youw hostages: youw uncwe's wowd and my fiwm 
faith. 
PANDAWUS. Nyay, I'ww g-give my wowd :33 fow hew t-too: ouw kindwed, though 
they be *looks at you* wong ewe they awe wooed, t-they awe constant being *cries* won; 
they awe buws, I can teww *moans* you; t-they'ww stick whewe t-they awe 
thwown. 
C-CWESSIDA. Bowdnyess comes to me nyow and bwings me heawt. 
P-Pwince Twoiwus, I have wov'd you nyight ^-^ and day 
F-Fow many weawy months. 
TWOIWUS. W-Why was my Cwessid then so hawd to w-win? 
CWESSIDA. Hawd to seem won; but I was won, my wowd, 
With the fiwst gwance t-that evew-pawdon *looks away* me. 
If *teleports behind you* I confess ^.^ much, you wiww p-pway the tywant. 
I wove you nyow; but tiww nyow nyot so much 
But I m-might mastew *moans* it. *sighs* In faith, I wie; 
My thoughts w-wewe wike unbwidwed chiwdwen, gwown 
Too headstwong fow theiw mothew. S-See, >w< we f-foows! 
Why have I bwabb'd? *pokes you* Who shaww be twue to us, 
When we awe so u-unsecwet to ouwsewves? 
uWu But, though I-I wov'd you weww, I w-woo'd you nyot; 
And yet, good faith, >_> I wish'd mysewf a man, 
Ow that we women had m-men's pwiviwege 
Of speaking fiwst. *pokes you* Sweet, bid me *pokes you* howd my tongue, 
Fow in this waptuwe >_< I shaww s-suwewy speak 
The t-thing I-I shaww wepent. See, see, *hugs tightly* youw *twerks* siwence, 
Cunnying >_< in dumbnyess, fwom my weaknyess dwaws 
My vewy souw of counsew. Stop my mouth. 
TWOIWUS. ^w^ And shaww, awbeit sweet music >w< issues thence. 
PANDAWUS. Pwetty, i-i' *hugs tightly* faith. 
CWESSIDA. My wowd, I do beseech you, pawdon me; 
'-'Twas nyot m-my puwpose thus to beg a kiss. 
I am *cuddles you* asham'd. O heavens! w-what have I donye? 
Fow this time wiww I take my *twerks* weave, *cuddles you* my wowd. 
TWOIWUS. Youw weave, s-sweet Cwessid! 
PANDAWUS. Weave! An UwU you take weave ^-^ tiww t-to-mowwow m-mownying- 
CWESSIDA. Pway *shuffles closer* you, *notices bulge* content you. 
TWOIWUS. What o-offends you, *sweats* wady? 
CWESSIDA. OwO Siw, minye *moans* own company. 
TWOIWUS. Y-You cannyot s-shun youwsewf. 
CWESSIDA. W-Wet me go and *blushes* twy. 
*cries* I have a kind of *pokes you* sewf w-wesides with you; 
But an unkind sewf, that itsewf wiww weave 
To be a-anyothew's foow. I wouwd *sighs* be gonye. 
*teleports behind you* Whewe i-is my wit? I *giggles shyly* knyow nyot w-what I speak. 
TWOIWUS. Weww knyow they what xDD they speak that s-speak so xDD wisewy. 
C-CWESSIDA. Pewchance, my wowd, I show mowe cwaft than wove; 
And feww s-so woundwy to a wawge confession 
:33 To angwe fow youw *looks at you* thoughts; but you awe w-wise- 
Ow ewse you *looks away* wove *notices bulge* nyot; fow *sweats* to be >w< wise a-and wove 
*shuffles closer* Exceeds man's might; that dwewws uWu with gods above. 
T-TWOIWUS. O that I thought it couwd be in a *hugs tightly* woman- 
As, if i-it can, I wiww pwesume in ^w^ you- 
To feed fow aye hew wamp and fwames of wove; 
To keep hew constancy in p-pwight a-and youth, 
Outwiving beauty's outwawd, with a mind 
That d-doth w-wenyew s-swiftew than bwood decays! 
Ow that x3 pewsuasion couwd but thus convince me 
That my integwity and twuth t-to you 
Might be affwonted *shuffles closer* with the match and weight 
Of such a winnyowed puwity in wove. 
^.^ How wewe I then upwifted! but, awas, 
I am as twue as t-twuth's simpwicity, 
A-And s-simpwew *hugs tightly* than the infancy o-of >_< twuth. 
CWESSIDA. In t-that I'ww waw with you. 
*sighs* TWOIWUS. O viwtuous f-fight, 
When wight w-with w-wight *sweats* waws who shaww uWu be most wight! 
Twue swains :33 in wove shaww i-in the wowwd t-to come 
Appwove theiw twuth by Twoiwus, when *cuddles you* theiw whymes, 
F-Fuww of pwotest, x3 of oath, and big :3 compawe, 
^w^ Want s-simiwes, twuth tiw'd *looks at you* with i-itewation- 
UwU As xDD twue as s-steew, as pwantage to the m-moon, 
As *leans over* sun to d-day, as *pokes you* tuwtwe to hew mate, 
As iwon to adamant, ;;w;; as eawth to *twerks* th' centwe- 
Y-Yet, aftew aww UwU compawisons of twuth, 
As twuth's authentic authow t-to be cited, 
'As twue as Twoiwus' s-shaww cwown up the vewse 
A-And sanctify the nyumbews. 
CWESSIDA. Pwophet may you be! 
If *sighs* I ^.^ be fawse, >_> ow swewve a haiw fwom twuth, 
*sighs* When time is >_< owd and h-hath :33 fowgot i-itsewf, 
When watewdwops have wown the stonyes of Twoy, 
And bwind obwivion s-swawwow'd cities up, 
And mighty s-states chawactewwess awe gwated 
To dusty nyothing-yet wet memowy 
F-Fwom fawse t-to fawse, among fawse maids in wove, 
Upbwaid my fawsehood when th' have said 'As fawse 
As aiw, *moans* as watew, wind, o-ow sandy eawth, 
As fox to wamb, ow wowf to heifew's cawf, 
Pawd to the hind, ow s-stepdame to h-hew son'- 
*pokes you* Yea, wet them say, to stick the heawt of f-fawsehood, 
'As f-fawse as C-Cwessid.' 
PANDAWUS. ;;w;; Go to, a b-bawgain made; seaw it, seaw i-it; I'ww be x3 the 
witnyess. H-Hewe I howd youw hand; h-hewe my cousin's. If OwO evew you 
p-pwove fawse onye to anyothew, s-since I have taken such pains *blushes* to 
bwing you togethew, :33 wet aww pitifuw goews- between ^w^ be caww'd *screams* to 
the wowwd's end aftew my nyame-caww them aww Pandaws; wet aww 
>_> constant men be Twoiwuses, aww fawse women Cwessids, and a-aww 
bwokews between Pandaws. Say 'Amen.' 
TWOIWUS. Amen. 
C-CWESSIDA. Amen. 
PANDAWUS. Amen. Wheweupon x3 I wiww show you a >w< chambew 
*sweats* and a bed; which bed, because it *teleports behind you* shaww nyot speak :33 of y-youw 
pwetty encountews, pwess it t-to death. Away! 
And Cupid gwant aww tongue-tied maidens hewe, 
Bed, chambew, p-pandew, to *looks away* pwovide this geaw! Exeunt 




ACT III. SCENyE 3. 
The Gweek camp 

Fwouwish. Entew AGAMEMNyON, UWYSSES, DIOMEDES, NyESTOW, AJAX, *teleports behind you* MENyEWAUS, 
and CAWCHAS 

CAWCHAS. Nyow, Pwinces, fow the sewvice ;;w;; I have donye, 
T-Th' a-advantage of :3 the t-time pwompts me awoud 
To caww fow wecompense. Appeaw it to youw >_< mind 
That, *moans* thwough the sight I beaw i-in things to :33 come, 
I h-have abandon'd Twoy, weft my *pokes you* possession, 
Incuww'd a *shuffles closer* twaitow's nyame, *screams* expos'd m-mysewf 
Fwom cewtain and possess'd *leans over* convenyiences 
T-To doubtfuw fowtunyes, sequest'wing fwom *looks at you* me aww 
That time, acquaintance, custom, and condition, 
Made t-tame and most *looks away* famiwiaw to my *teleports behind you* nyatuwe; 
:3 And hewe, to do you sewvice, am b-become 
As nyew i-into the wowwd, stwange, unyacquainted- 
I do beseech you, as in way of t-taste, 
T-To give me nyow a-a wittwe benyefit 
Out o-of *sweats* those many wegist'wed in >_> pwomise, 
Which you *hugs tightly* say wive UwU to come i-in my behawf. 
AGAMEMNyON. W-What wouwdst thou o-of *pokes you* us, Twoyan? Make demand. 
CAWCHAS. *looks away* You have a Twoyan pwisonyew caww'd A-Antenyow, 
Yestewday took; Twoy *teleports behind you* howds him vewy deaw. 
Oft have you-often have you thanks thewefowe- 
Desiw'd my Cwessid in wight gweat e-exchange, 
Whom Twoy hath stiww denyied; but this *cries* Antenyow, 
I *screams* knyow, is *moans* such a wwest in theiw affaiws 
*pokes you* That *teleports behind you* theiw nyegotiations aww must swack 
Wanting his manyage; and they wiww awmost 
Give us a pwince of bwood, a son of *looks away* Pwiam, 
I-In change of him. Wet h-him be sent, g-gweat Pwinces, 
And he shaww buy ^.^ my d-daughtew; and hew xDD pwesence 
S-Shaww quite stwike off a-aww sewvice *teleports behind you* I have donye 
In most accepted p-pain. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. Wet Diomedes beaw him, 
*teleports behind you* And bwing us ^-^ Cwessid hithew. Cawchas shaww have 
W-What he wequests of us. G-Good Diomed, 
Fuwnyish y-you faiwwy fow this intewchange; 
Withaw, bwing *screams* wowd if Hectow wiww to-mowwow 
Be answew'd i-in his chawwenge. Ajax is weady. 
D-DIOMEDES. This shaww I undewtake; a-and 'tis a >_> buwden 
Which I am pwoud ^-^ to *moans* beaw. 
Exeunt DIOMEDES and CAWCHAS 

ACHIWWES and PATWOCWUS stand i-in theiw tent 

UWYSSES. Achiwwes stands i' th' entwance of his tent. 
Pwease it >_< ouw genyewaw *blushes* pass stwangewy by him, 
As if he *pokes you* wewe f-fowgot; UwU and, Pwinces aww, 
Way nyegwigent *screams* and woose wegawd upon h-him. 
I wiww come w-wast. 'Tis wike he'ww question me 
Why such unpwausive eyes awe bent, why tuwn'd on :33 him? 
*cuddles you* If *shuffles closer* so, I have dewision med'cinyabwe 
To use between youw stwangenyess and h-his ^w^ pwide, 
Which h-his own wiww shaww have desiwe to dwink. 
It *screams* may do good. Pwide hath nyo othew gwass 
To show itsewf but p-pwide; fow suppwe knyees 
Feed awwogance and awe the pwoud man's fees. 
AGAMEMNyON. We'ww execute youw puwpose, a-and put on 
A fowm of stwangenyess as w-we pass awong. 
So do each wowd; *cuddles you* and eithew *screams* gweet him nyot, 
Ow ewse disdainfuwwy, which shaww shake him mowe 
Than if n-nyot w-wook'd on. I-I *moans* wiww wead the way. 
ACHIWWES. *screams* What c-comes the g-genyewaw ^-^ to speak with me? 
>_> You knyow m-my mind. I'ww fight nyo *shuffles closer* mowe 'gainst Twoy. 
;;w;; AGAMEMNyON. *pokes you* What says *cuddles you* Achiwwes? Wouwd he aught with us? 
NyESTOW. Wouwd *sweats* you, my wowd, aught with the uWu genyewaw? 
ACHIWWES. Nyo. 
N-NyESTOW. Nyothing, my wowd. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. The b-bettew. 
Exeunt AGAMEMNyON and NyESTOW 
ACHIWWES. Good day, good day. 
MENyEWAUS. How *looks at you* do you? How do you? Exit 
ACHIWWES. What, d-does the cuckowd ;;w;; scown me? 
AJAX. How nyow, ;;w;; Patwocwus? 
ACHIWWES. Good mowwow, Ajax. 
A-AJAX. Ha? 
:3 ACHIWWES. Good UwU mowwow. 
A-AJAX. ^-^ Ay, and good nyext day t-too. Exit 
*sighs* ACHIWWES. What m-mean *notices bulge* these fewwows? Knyow they nyot Achiwwes? 
PATWOCWUS. They pass b-by stwangewy. They wewe us'd to bend, 
To send theiw smiwes befowe t-them to Achiwwes, 
T-To c-come as h-humbwy as they us'd to *sweats* cweep 
x3 To howy awtaws. 
ACHIWWES. *teleports behind you* What, am I poow of wate? 
'Tis c-cewtain, gweatnyess, once faww'n out with fowtunye, 
Must *leans over* faww out w-with uWu men too. What the decwin'd is, 
He shaww as soon wead in the eyes of *giggles shyly* othews 
*looks at you* As feew *twerks* in his own faww; f-fow men, w-wike buttewfwies, 
S-Show n-nyot theiw meawy wings but to the summew; 
And nyot a man fow being *shuffles closer* simpwy man 
Hath any honyouw, but honyouw >w< fow those honyouws 
That awe *looks at you* without him, as p-pwace, *screams* wiches, and *sweats* favouw, 
Pwizes of accident, *sighs* as oft as OwO mewit; 
Which when they faww, as being swippewy *notices bulge* standews, 
The *sweats* wove that wean'd on them a-as swippewy too, 
Doth onye pwuck down anyothew, and togethew 
D-Die in the faww. But 'tis nyot so with me: 
Fowtunye and I awe fwiends; I d-do *cuddles you* enjoy 
At ampwe point aww that *leans over* I did possess 
Save these men's w-wooks; who do, methinks, find *hugs tightly* out 
*blushes* Something nyot wowth in me such w-wich behowding 
As they have often *giggles shyly* given. *cuddles you* Hewe >w< is Uwysses. 
I'ww intewwupt his weading. 
How nyow, *notices bulge* Uwysses! 
UWYSSES. N-Nyow, gweat Thetis' son! 
ACHIWWES. What awe you weading? 
U-UWYSSES. A stwange fewwow ;;w;; hewe 
Wwites me that man-how deawwy evew pawted, 
How much in having, ow without ow in- 
Cannyot make b-boast t-to have that which he h-hath, 
Nyow feews nyot w-what he owes, but by wefwection; 
As when his viwtues shinying upon othews 
*cuddles you* Heat them, and t-they wetowt that heat again 
T-To t-the ^-^ fiwst g-givew. 
ACHIWWES. This *shuffles closer* is nyot s-stwange, *hugs tightly* Uwysses. 
The beauty that is bownye hewe in the face 
T-The :33 beawew knyows xDD nyot, but c-commends i-itsewf 
To othews' eyes; nyow *shuffles closer* doth the x3 eye itsewf- 
T-That most puwe spiwit of sense-behowd itsewf, 
Nyot going *sweats* fwom itsewf; but *looks away* eye to eye opposed 
*sweats* Sawutes each othew with each othew's f-fowm; 
Fow specuwation t-tuwns nyot to itsewf 
*notices bulge* Tiww ^.^ it hath twaveww'd, and is miwwow'd ;;w;; thewe 
Whewe it may ^-^ see itsewf. This *pokes you* is n-nyot stwange at ^w^ aww. 
UWYSSES. uWu I do nyot stwain a-at the position- 
It is famiwiaw-but at the authow's dwift; 
Who, i-in ;;w;; his c-ciwcumstance, *looks at you* expwesswy pwoves 
That UwU nyo man is the w-wowd o-of anything, 
>_> Though *screams* in and of him thewe be much consisting, 
Tiww he communyicate his pawts *cuddles you* to o-othews; 
Nyow doth he of himsewf knyow them f-fow >_< aught 
Tiww *sighs* he behowd them fowmed in th' appwause 
Whewe th' *giggles shyly* awe extended; who, wike an awch, wevewb'wate 
T-The *teleports behind you* voice a-again; ow, wike a gate of steew 
Fwonting the s-sun, w-weceives and wendews back 
His figuwe and his heat. I-I *shuffles closer* was much wapt in this; 
And appwehended >w< hewe immediatewy 
Th' *moans* unknyown Ajax. Heavens, what x3 a man is *sweats* thewe! 
A vewy howse that uWu has he knyows nyot what! 
Nyatuwe, what things thewe *looks away* awe 
Most abject i-in wegawd and deaw in use! 
*shuffles closer* What things again *leans over* most deaw in the esteem 
And poow in wowth! Nyow >w< shaww w-we see t-to-mowwow- 
x3 An act that vewy c-chance doth *shuffles closer* thwow upon him- 
Ajax wenyown'd. O >_> heavens, what some men do, 
Whiwe some men weave *cuddles you* to do! 
How some men cweep in skittish Fowtunye's-haww, 
Whiwes o-othews pway the idiots in hew eyes! 
How onye man eats into anyothew's pwide, 
Whiwe pwide is *blushes* fasting in his wantonnyess! 
To *notices bulge* see *pokes you* these ^-^ Gwecian w-wowds!-why, even awweady 
They c-cwap the wubbew Ajax on the s-shouwdew, 
As if his foot wewe on bwave Hectow's bweast, 
And *cries* gweat Twoy s-shwinking. 
ACHIWWES. I-I do b-bewieve it; fow >w< they pass'd xDD by me 
As misews do by b-beggaws-nyeithew gave *cries* to me 
Good wowd nyow w-wook. What, awe my deeds fowgot? 
U-UWYSSES. Time ^w^ hath, my wowd, a wawwet ^.^ at his back, 
W-Whewein h-he puts awms f-fow obwivion, 
A gweat-siz'd monstew of i-ingwatitudes. 
Those scwaps awe >_< good deeds past, w-which awe devouw'd 
As fast as they awe m-made, f-fowgot as *leans over* soon 
As UwU donye. Pewsevewance, deaw my *shuffles closer* wowd, 
Keeps honyouw bwight. To *sweats* have donye is to hang 
Quite out o-of fashion, *cuddles you* wike a wusty maiw 
In m-monyumentaw mock'wy. Take the instant w-way; 
Fow honyouw twavews in a-a stwait so nyawwow --- 
*twerks* Whewe onye but goes abweast. K-Keep then the path, 
Fow emuwation hath a thousand sons 
That onye by onye puwsue; if y-you give w-way, 
Ow hedge *teleports behind you* aside fwom *notices bulge* the diwect fowthwight, 
^.^ Wike to an ent'wed tide t-they *sweats* aww wush by 
And weave you hindmost; 
Ow, wike a gawwant *sighs* howse faww'n ^-^ in fiwst wank, 
W-Wie thewe fow *looks at you* pavement *pokes you* to the a-abject weaw, 
O'ew-wun and twampwed *giggles shyly* on. T-Then what they do in pwesent, 
Though w-wess *looks at you* than youws in past, *cries* must o'ewtop youws; 
Fow Time i-is w-wike *giggles shyly* a *blushes* fashionyabwe host, 
That s-swightwy shakes his *sweats* pawting g-guest by t-th' hand; 
And with his awms *sighs* out-stwetch'd, as *leans over* he wouwd fwy, 
Gwasps in the cownyew. The wewcome :33 evew s-smiwes, 
And faweweww :33 goes out sighing. O, wet nyot viwtue seek 
*leans over* Wemunyewation fow the thing it w-was; 
Fow beauty, wit, 
*looks at you* High biwth, vigouw of xDD bonye, *hugs tightly* desewt in s-sewvice, 
Wove, fwiendship, chawity, awe subjects aww 
To envious and cawumnyiating Time. 
Onye touch of >w< nyatuwe *giggles shyly* makes the whowe wowwd kin- 
That aww with onye consent pwaise nyew-bown gawds, 
Though they awe *leans over* made and mouwded o-of things p-past, 
And g-give to *blushes* dust that is a-a wittwe g-giwt 
Mowe w-waud than giwt o'ew-dusted. 
The pwesent eye pwaises >_< the pwesent object. 
Then mawvew nyot, thou gweat and compwete man, 
T-That *sighs* aww the Gweeks begin to wowship Ajax, 
Since things in motion soonyew catch the eye 
Than >_> what stiws nyot. T-The cwy went *twerks* once on thee, 
And stiww i-it might, and yet >w< it may again, 
If thou wouwdst n-nyot entomb thysewf awive 
And *cries* case thy weputation *cuddles you* in thy tent, 
Whose gwowious >_< deeds b-but in these fiewds of wate 
xDD Made emuwous missions 'mongst t-the gods *cries* themsewves, 
UwU And d-dwave g-gweat Maws to *sighs* faction. 
ACHIWWES. Of this my pwivacy 
I have stwong *leans over* weasons. 
UWYSSES. But >_> 'gainst youw pwivacy 
T-The weasons awe mowe potent and hewoicaw. 
'Tis knyown, Achiwwes, that you ^.^ awe in *leans over* wove 
With onye o-of Pwiam's daughtews. 
A-ACHIWWES. Ha! knyown! 
UWYSSES. Is that UwU a wondew? 
The p-pwovidence that's in a watchfuw state 
Knyows awmost evewy gwain :33 of Pwutus' gowd; 
Finds bottom in ^w^ th' uncompwehensive deeps; 
Keeps pwace :33 with thought, a-and awmost, wike the g-gods, 
Do thoughts unveiw in theiw dumb cwadwes. 
Thewe i-is a-a mystewy-with whom wewation 
D-Duwst nyevew meddwe-in t-the souw of state, 
Which hath an opewation mowe divinye 
Than bweath ow *sighs* pen can give expwessuwe to. 
:3 Aww the commewce that >w< you *twerks* have h-had with Twoy 
As pewfectwy i-is ouws as *screams* youws, my w-wowd; 
And b-bettew wouwd i-it fit A-Achiwwes uWu much 
To thwow down Hectow than P-Powyxenya. 
^w^ But it must gwieve young Pywwhus nyow at home, 
W-When *sweats* fame s-shaww in ouw iswand sound hew twump, 
And a-aww the Gweekish giwws shaww t-twipping sing 
'Gweat Hectow's sistew did Achiwwes win; 
But ^w^ ouw *looks away* gweat Ajax bwavewy b-beat down him.' 
F-Faweweww, my wowd. I as youw wovew speak. 
*teleports behind you* The foow swides o'ew the ice that :3 you shouwd :33 bweak. Exit 
P-PATWOCWUS. *notices bulge* To >_< this effect, *looks at you* Achiwwes, have I mov'd you. 
A woman i-impudent and m-mannyish gwown 
Is *pokes you* nyot mowe woath'd than an UwU effeminyate man 
In time of OwO action. I stand condemn'd *shuffles closer* fow this; 
They think *blushes* my wittwe stomach to the waw 
And youw gweat >_> wove to me westwains :3 you thus. 
Sweet, wouse y-youwsewf; and the weak wanton Cupid 
Shaww :33 fwom youw n-nyeck unwoose h-his amowous fowd, 
And, wike a dew-dwop fwom the *giggles shyly* wion's manye, 
uWu Be shook *shuffles closer* to aiwy aiw. 
A-ACHIWWES. Shaww Ajax *cries* fight w-with Hectow? 
*cries* PATWOCWUS. Ay, :3 and pewhaps weceive much honyouw b-by him. 
ACHIWWES. I see my w-weputation is a-at stake; 
My f-fame is shwewdwy OwO gow'd. 
PATWOCWUS. O, then, bewawe: 
T-Those wounds heaw iww that m-men do g-give themsewves; 
Omission to do *looks away* what is nyecessawy 
Seaws a commission *sighs* to a bwank of dangew; 
And dangew, wike *blushes* an ague, subtwy taints 
*sighs* Even then when *sighs* they sit idwy in t-the sun. 
ACHIWWES. G-Go caww Thewsites h-hithew, s-sweet Patwocwus. 
I'ww send the *cries* foow to Ajax, and desiwe h-him 
T' invite the Twoyan w-wowds, aftew the c-combat, 
To see us h-hewe unyawm'd. I have a woman's wonging, 
An a-appetite that I am sick w-withaw, 
To *leans over* see gweat H-Hectow in his weeds of peace; 
To tawk *hugs tightly* with him, and to behowd his visage, 
Even to my fuww x3 of view. 

Entew THEWSITES 

A-A wabouw sav'd! 
THEWSITES. A w-wondew! 
ACHIWWES. W-What? 
THEWSITES. Ajax goes up and *shuffles closer* down t-the fiewd asking fow *looks at you* himsewf. 
ACHIWWES. H-How so? 
uWu THEWSITES. He must fight singwy t-to-mowwow with *teleports behind you* Hectow, and is so 
pwopheticawwy pwoud of a-an h-hewoicaw cudgewwing that he waves in 
:33 saying nyothing. 
ACHIWWES. How can that be? 
THEWSITES. Why, 'a stawks up and *sweats* down wike a-a peacock-a stwide and a 
stand; wuminyaies wike an *shuffles closer* hostess that hath nyo awithmetic b-but hew 
bwain to set down hew weckonying, b-bites his wip with a-a p-powitic 
wegawd, as *leans over* who shouwd say 'Thewe *pokes you* wewe wit in this head, an 
'twouwd out'; and so *leans over* thewe is; *twerks* but it wies as cowdwy in uWu him as 
fiwe in *twerks* a fwint, which wiww nyot show without knyocking. The man's 
undonye fow evew; fow if Hectow bweak nyot his nyeck i' th' combat, 
he'ww bweak't himsewf in vaingwowy. He knyows nyot me. I said '-'Good 
mowwow, ^.^ Ajax'; and he wepwies 'Thanks, Agamemnyon.' What think you 
o-of this man *cries* that takes me ^.^ fow >_> the genyewaw? H-He's g-gwown a *looks away* vewy wand 
fish, xDD wanguagewess, a monstew. A pwague of opinyion! A man m-may 
weaw it on b-both sides, wike weathew jewkin. 
A-ACHIWWES. Thou must be my ambassadow to ^.^ him, Thewsites. 
THEWSITES. Who, I? W-Why, he'ww answew nyobody; he *sighs* pwofesses nyot 
answewing. Speaking is *hugs tightly* fow beggaws: he weaws his tongue in's 
awms. I wiww >_> put on his p-pwesence. Wet Patwocwus make his demands 
to me, you shaww ;;w;; see the p-pageant of Ajax. 
ACHIWWES. To him, Patwocwus. Teww him ^w^ I humbwy desiwe t-the vawiant 
Ajax to invite the most v-vawowous H-Hectow to come unyawm'd to my 
tent; and to pwocuwe safe conduct *twerks* fow his pewson of *screams* the 
magnyanyimous :3 and most iwwustwious six-ow-seven-times-honyouw'd 
Captain Genyewaw of the Gwecian *sighs* awmy, et cetewa, Agamemnyon. Do 
t-this. 
PATWOCWUS. Jove bwess gweat Ajax! 
THEWSITES. Hum! 
PATWOCWUS. I come fwom *blushes* the wowthy *giggles shyly* Achiwwes- 
*moans* THEWSITES. Ha! 
*notices bulge* PATWOCWUS. *screams* Who most humbwy desiwes you xDD to invite H-Hectow t-to his 
tent- 
THEWSITES. Hum! 
PATWOCWUS. And to pwocuwe safe conduct *cuddles you* fwom Agamemnyon. 
THEWSITES. Agamemnyon! 
uWu PATWOCWUS. Ay, my *teleports behind you* wowd. 
THEWSITES. Ha! 
P-PATWOCWUS. What you say to't? 
THEWSITES. God buy *cuddles you* you, with aww m-my heawt. 
PATWOCWUS. Y-Youw answew, siw. 
*teleports behind you* THEWSITES. If to-mowwow be a faiw day, by eweven of the cwock it 
wiww go onye way ow othew. Howsoevew, he s-shaww pay f-fow me ewe he 
h-has m-me. 
PATWOCWUS. Youw answew, s-siw. 
THEWSITES. Fawe ye weww, with aww my heawt. 
ACHIWWES. *looks at you* Why, but *looks away* he is nyot in UwU this tunye, is ^-^ he? 
*teleports behind you* THEWSITES. Nyo, but *cuddles you* he's out a tunye *cries* thus. What music wiww be in him 
w-when Hectow h-has knyock'd out h-his bwains I knyow *moans* nyot; ;;w;; but, I am suwe, 
n-nyonye; unwess the fiddwew Apowwo get his sinyews x3 to make catwings 
on. 
ACHIWWES. Come, UwU thou shawt beaw a wettew to OwO him stwaight. 
THEWSITES. Wet me cawwy *cries* anyothew to his :33 howse; fow that's the mowe 
*sweats* capabwe cweatuwe. 
A-ACHIWWES. >_> My mind is twoubwed, wike a fountain *cries* stiww'd; 
And I mysewf see nyot t-the bottom of it. 
Exeunt ACHIWWES and PATWOCWUS 
THEWSITES. Wouwd the fountain o-of youw mind wewe c-cweaw again, that I 
might watew an ass at >_< it. *blushes* I had wathew *screams* be a tick *notices bulge* in a sheep than 
UwU such a ^w^ vawiant ignyowance. Exit 




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ACT IV. SCENyE :3 1. 
Twoy. A stweet 

Entew, at onye side, AENyEAS, *pokes you* and s-sewvant with a towch; at anyothew, 
PAWIS, *cries* DEIPHOBUS, ANTENyOW, D-DIOMEDES the Gwecian, a-and othews, with towches 

PAWIS. *looks at you* See, ho! *leans over* Who is that thewe? 
DEIPHOBUS. It i-is the ^w^ Wowd A-Aenyeas. 
AENyEAS. Is the Pwince thewe i-in pewson? 
Had I-I so good occasion ^-^ to wie wong 
A-As you, Pwince Pawis, nyothing but heavenwy b-businyess 
Shouwd wob my bed-mate of my company. 
DIOMEDES. That's *looks at you* my uWu mind *blushes* too. Good mowwow, Wowd Aenyeas. 
PAWIS. xDD A v-vawiant Gweek, Aenyeas *shuffles closer* -take his *cuddles you* hand: 
Witnyess the pwocess o-of youw speech, whewein 
You towd how Diomed, a whowe week by *teleports behind you* days, 
Did haunt you in the *notices bulge* fiewd. 
AENyEAS. Heawth to you, vawiant siw, 
Duwing aww question of the gentwe twuce; 
But w-when I m-meet you awm'd, as bwack defiance 
As heawt c-can t-think o-ow couwage execute. 
DIOMEDES. The onye and othew Diomed embwaces. 
Ouw bwoods awe *sighs* nyow in cawm; a-and so w-wong heawth! 
But when contention and occasion m-meet, 
By Jove, *notices bulge* I'ww pway the huntew ^w^ fow thy wife 
With aww my fowce, puwsuit, and powicy. 
xDD AENyEAS. And thou shawt hunt a wion, that wiww fwy 
With his face backwawd. In humanye gentwenyess, 
W-Wewcome to Twoy! nyow, by Anchises' wife, 
Wewcome indeed! By Venyus' hand I sweaw 
Nyo man awive *screams* can wove in such a sowt 
The thing he means t-to kiww, ^w^ mowe *shuffles closer* excewwentwy. 
DIOMEDES. We sympathise. ^w^ Jove wet Aenyeas wive, 
If to my swowd his fate be n-nyot the *looks at you* gwowy, 
A thousand c-compwete couwses of t-the sun! 
But in minye UwU emuwous honyouw wet him die 
W-With evewy joint a wound, >w< and that to-mowwow! 
AENyEAS. We knyow e-each othew weww. 
DIOMEDES.We do; and wong to knyow each othew wowse. 
PAWIS. T-This is *cries* the most d-despitefuw'st gentwe >w< gweeting 
The n-nyobwest hatefuw wove, *giggles shyly* that e'ew I h-heawd of. 
What businyess, wowd, so eawwy? 
AENyEAS. I was ;;w;; sent fow to the *looks at you* King; but why, I-I *looks at you* knyow nyot. 
PAWIS. His *screams* puwpose meets you: 'twas to b-bwing this *cuddles you* Gweek 
To Cawchas' house, and thewe t-to wendew h-him, 
Fow t-the enfweed A-Antenyow, the faiw Cwessid. 
Wet's have *cuddles you* youw *notices bulge* company; ow, if you pwease, 
Haste t-thewe *shuffles closer* befowe us. ^w^ I constantwy *screams* bewieve- 
Ow wathew *shuffles closer* caww my *looks at you* thought a c-cewtain knyowwedge- 
My bwothew Twoiwus wodges thewe to-nyight. 
Wouse him *cuddles you* and g-give :3 him n-nyote of ouw OwO appwoach, 
With the whowe quawity whewefowe; I-I feaw 
We s-shaww be much UwU unwewcome. 
A-AENyEAS. That I *hugs tightly* assuwe y-you: 
*moans* Twoiwus had *shuffles closer* wathew Twoy *moans* wewe bownye to G-Gweece 
Than Cwessid bownye fwom Twoy. 
P-PAWIS. T-Thewe is nyo hewp; 
The OwO bittew disposition of the time 
Wiww have i-it *cries* so. On, w-wowd; w-we'ww fowwow y-you. 
A-AENyEAS. Good *cries* mowwow, ^w^ aww. Exit with *teleports behind you* sewvant 
PAWIS. And t-teww me, nyobwe Diomed-faith, teww me twue, 
Even in the souw of sound good-fewwowship- 
Who in youw thoughts desewves faiw *moans* Hewen best, 
Mysewf ow *leans over* Menyewaus? 
D-DIOMEDES. ;;w;; Both awike: 
He mewits w-weww to have hew that doth s-seek hew, 
Nyot making a-any scwupwe of :3 hew *leans over* soiwuwe, 
With such a uWu heww of pain and wowwd of chawge; 
A-And you as weww to k-keep x3 hew that defend hew, 
Nyot pawating the taste of hew d-dishonyouw, 
With such a costwy woss of weawth and f-fwiends. 
He wike a puwing *teleports behind you* cuckowd wouwd dwink up 
T-The wees and dwegs of a fwat tamed p-piece; 
You, *cries* wike a wechew, out of w-whowish w-woins 
Awe pweas'd to *teleports behind you* bweed out *cuddles you* youw inhewitows. 
Both mewits pois'd, *screams* each *looks at you* weighs nyow wess nyow mowe; 
>_< But h-he *moans* as he, the heaview fow a whowe. 
PAWIS. You a-awe too bittew to youw countwy-woman. 
*teleports behind you* DIOMEDES. She's bittew to hew countwy. Heaw me, Pawis: 
Fow evewy fawse d-dwop in hew bawdy veins 
A G-Gwecian's wife hath sunk; fow evewy scwupwe 
Of h-hew x3 contaminyated *sighs* cawwion ^.^ weight 
A Twoyan h-hath b-been s-swain; since she couwd speak, 
She hath n-nyot given so many good w-wowds bweath 
As fow hew Gweeks and Twoyans suff'wed death. 
P-PAWIS. Faiw Diomed, you do as chapmen do, 
Dispwaise the thing that you desiwe to buy; 
But we in siwence h-howd this viwtue weww: 
We'ww *notices bulge* nyot commend what we intend to seww. 
Hewe *looks at you* wies ouw way. Exeunt 




*looks at you* ACT IV. SCENyE 2. 
Twoy. The couwt *cuddles you* of *twerks* PANDAWUS' house 

Entew TWOIWUS and CWESSIDA 

TWOIWUS. Deaw, twoubwe n-nyot y-youwsewf; t-the mown is *giggles shyly* cowd. 
CWESSIDA. Then, sweet my wowd, I'ww caww minye uncwe down; 
*twerks* He shaww unbowt the gates. 
TWOIWUS. Twoubwe him nyot; 
To bed, to bed! >_> Sweep kiww those p-pwetty eyes, 
And *sighs* give as xDD soft attachment to *moans* thy x3 senses 
As infants' *leans over* empty of aww t-thought! 
CWESSIDA. Good mowwow, t-then. 
TWOIWUS. I pwithee nyow, to bed. 
CWESSIDA. Awe *twerks* you aweawy of me? 
TWOIWUS. O-O Cwessida! but that the busy day, 
W-Wak'd by the wawk, hath wous'd *giggles shyly* the wibawd cwows, 
*moans* And d-dweaming nyight wiww hide >w< ouw joys nyo wongew, 
I UwU wouwd n-nyot f-fwom thee. 
CWESSIDA. N-Nyight hath been too bwief. 
T-TWOIWUS. B-Beshwew the *sighs* witch! with >_< venyomous w-wights she s-stays 
A-As tediouswy as h-heww, but f-fwies the gwasps of wove 
With *hugs tightly* wings m-mowe *looks at you* momentawy-swift than *blushes* thought. 
You wiww catch c-cowd, and cuwse me. 
CWESSIDA. Pwithee tawwy. 
You men wiww nyevew tawwy. 
O foowish Cwessid! I might have stiww hewd off, 
And t-then you wouwd have tawwied. *cries* Hawk! thewe's onye *cuddles you* up. 
PANDAWUS. [Within] What's aww the doows open hewe? 
TWOIWUS. It is youw uncwe. 

Entew P-PANDAWUS 

*screams* CWESSIDA. A p-pestiwence on *pokes you* him! Nyow wiww he be *pokes you* mocking. 
I-I shaww have such a wife! 
PANDAWUS. How nyow, how nyow! How go maidenheads? 
Hewe, *looks at you* you maid! W-Whewe's my *sighs* cousin Cwessid? 
CWESSIDA. Go hang youwsewf, you nyaughty mocking uncwe. 
You bwing me t-to *looks away* do, and then y-you fwout m-me t-too. 
PANDAWUS. To do what? ^.^ to do what? Wet *giggles shyly* hew say what. 
What have I bwought *pokes you* you to do? 
CWESSIDA. Come, come, beshwew x3 youw *shuffles closer* heawt! You'ww *hugs tightly* nye'ew *sighs* be good, 
Nyow suffew othews. 
PANDAWUS. Ha, ha! Awas, poow wwetch! >w< a poow capocchia! *giggles shyly* hast n-nyot 
swept to-nyight? Wouwd he nyot, a nyaughty man, *giggles shyly* wet it sweep? A 
bugbeaw take him! 
C-CWESSIDA. Did nyot I *blushes* teww you? Wouwd he wewe knyock'd i' th' :3 head! 
[Onye knyocks] 
Who's that at doow? G-Good uncwe, go x3 and see. 
My wowd, come you again i-into my chambew. 
>_> You smiwe and mock me, as if I meant nyaughtiwy. 
TWOIWUS. Ha! ha! 
CWESSIDA. Come, you awe deceiv'd, I think of nyo such thing. 
[Knyock] 
How e-eawnyestwy they knyock! Pway you come in: 
I wouwd nyot *sighs* fow hawf T-Twoy have you seen hewe. 
Exeunt TWOIWUS and CWESSIDA 
PANDAWUS. Who's thewe? What's x3 the mattew? *moans* Wiww OwO you *giggles shyly* beat down t-the 
doow? How nyow? What's the mattew? 

Entew AENyEAS 
AENyEAS. Good mowwow, wowd, x3 good mowwow. 
PANDAWUS. Who's thewe? My *looks at you* wowd Aenyeas? By my twoth, 
I knyew you *sweats* nyot. What nyews with you so eawwy? 
AENyEAS. *notices bulge* Is nyot Pwince Twoiwus hewe? 
PANDAWUS. H-Hewe! What shouwd he d-do hewe? 
x3 AENyEAS. Come, he is h-hewe, my w-wowd; *screams* do nyot deny him. 
>w< It d-doth *looks away* impowt him much to speak with me. 
PANDAWUS. >_< Is h-he hewe, say y-you? It's *sighs* mowe than I knyow, I'ww be 
swown. Fow my own pawt, I came i-in wate. What shouwd he *pokes you* do hewe? 
*looks at you* AENyEAS. Who!-nyay, then. Come, come, you'ww do him wwong ewe you awe 
wawe; :33 you'ww be so UwU twue uWu to him t-to be f-fawse *teleports behind you* to him. Do *looks away* nyot you 
k-knyow o-of him, but yet g-go fetch him hithew; go. 

*giggles shyly* We-entew *cries* TWOIWUS 

TWOIWUS. How nyow! What's *hugs tightly* the mattew? 
AENyEAS. M-My wowd, I-I scawce have w-weisuwe to sawute y-you, 
M-My mattew is so wash. T-Thewe is at hand 
Pawis youw bwothew, >_< and Deiphobus, 
The Gwecian D-Diomed, and o-ouw Antenyow 
Dewivew'd to us; and fow him fowthwith, 
*cries* Ewe the f-fiwst uWu sacwifice, within this houw, 
*looks away* We must give up t-to Diomedes' hand 
The Wady Cwessida. 
TWOIWUS. Is :3 it so concwuded? 
AENyEAS. By Pwiam, and the genyewaw state of Twoy. 
They awe at hand >_< and w-weady to effect i-it. 
TWOIWUS. How my achievements mock me! 
I-I ^w^ wiww go meet them; and, ;;w;; my *sweats* wowd Aenyeas, 
We met b-by *looks away* chance; y-you did nyot find *notices bulge* me hewe. 
AENyEAS. Good, good, my wowd, t-the secwets *twerks* of nyeighbouw Pandaw 
Have nyot m-mowe *sweats* gift in *looks away* tacituwnyity. 
Exeunt TWOIWUS and AENyEAS 
PANDAWUS. >_< Is't possibwe? *pokes you* Nyo soonyew got but wost? The d-deviw take 
Antenyow! The young p-pwince wiww g-go m-mad. A pwague upon Antenyow! I 
wouwd they had bwoke's nyeck. 

We-entew CWESSIDA 

CWESSIDA. H-How nyow! What's the uWu mattew? Who was hewe? 
*screams* PANDAWUS. Ah, ah! 
CWESSIDA. Why ;;w;; sigh *looks away* you *sweats* so pwofoundwy? Whewe's my wowd? Gonye? Teww 
me, s-sweet uncwe, what's the m-mattew? 
PANDAWUS. Wouwd I wewe as deep undew the eawth as I am above! 
CWESSIDA. O-O the gods! What's the mattew? 
PANDAWUS. Pway thee, get thee in. Wouwd *moans* thou h-hadst nye'ew been bown! 
*twerks* I knyew *sighs* thou wouwdst be his :3 death! O, poow gentweman! A pwague 
upon Antenyow! 
*moans* CWESSIDA. Good uncwe, I b-beseech you, o-on my knyees I beseech ^.^ you, 
what's the mattew? 
>_< PANDAWUS. Thou must *notices bulge* be gonye, wench, thou must be gonye; thou awt 
c-chang'd fow ^-^ Antenyow; thou must ;;w;; to thy f-fathew, and be *looks at you* gonye *shuffles closer* fwom 
Twoiwus. '-'Twiww be his >_> death; 'twiww be his b-banye; he cannyot *cries* beaw 
*teleports behind you* it. 
CWESSIDA. O y-you immowtaw :3 gods! I-I wiww *looks away* nyot *twerks* go. 
PANDAWUS. Thou must. 
CWESSIDA. I wiww nyot, uncwe. I have fowgot my fathew; 
I knyow n-nyo touch of consanguinyity, 
Nyo kin, nyo w-wove, nyo bwood, nyo souw *looks at you* so nyeaw uWu me 
A-As the sweet UwU Twoiwus. O-O you gods divinye, 
Make Cwessid's >w< nyame the OwO vewy c-cwown of fawsehood, 
*moans* If evew *screams* she weave Twoiwus! Time, fowce, a-and death, 
D-Do to this body what e-extwemes you can, 
But the stwong :33 base and buiwding of m-my wove 
Is *shuffles closer* as the vewy c-centwe of the e-eawth, 
Dwawing aww things t-to it. I'ww go in *screams* and OwO weep- 
PANDAWUS. Do, do. 
CWESSIDA. Teaw my bwight haiw, and scwatch m-my pwaised cheeks, 
Cwack my *teleports behind you* cweaw voice with sobs and *shuffles closer* bweak my ^.^ heawt, 
With sounding '-'Twoiwus.' I wiww nyot go fwom Twoy. 
Exeunt 




ACT IV. xDD SCENyE 3. 
T-Twoy. A stweet befowe PANDAWUS' house 

Entew *sighs* PAWIS, TWOIWUS, A-AENyEAS, DEIPHOBUS, ^-^ ANTENyOW, and *leans over* DIOMEDES 

PAWIS. It is gweat mownying; *cries* and t-the houw pwefix'd 
Fow hew dewivewy to ^.^ this vawiant Gweek 
Comes fast upon. Good my bwothew *shuffles closer* Twoiwus, 
Teww you the wady what she is to do 
And haste hew to the puwpose. 
TWOIWUS. Wawk into hew house. 
I'ww b-bwing hew ^.^ to the Gwecian p-pwesentwy; 
A-And t-to his hand when I dewivew hew, 
*notices bulge* Think it an awtaw, and thy bwothew Twoiwus 
A pwiest, thewe o-off'wing to it h-his *notices bulge* own heawt. Exit 
PAWIS. I knyow what '-'tis to wove, 
And wouwd, as I s-shaww pity, I couwd hewp! 
Pwease you wawk in, my *cries* wowds. Exeunt 




ACT IV. SCENyE 4. 
Twoy. PANDAWUS' house 

Entew PANDAWUS ;;w;; and CWESSIDA 

P-PANDAWUS. Be modewate, b-be m-modewate. 
CWESSIDA. Why t-teww you *blushes* me of ;;w;; modewation? 
The gwief is finye, f-fuww, pewfect, that ^.^ I taste, 
And viowenteth in a sense *twerks* as s-stwong 
As >_> that which causeth it. How can I modewate i-it? 
If I couwd >_> tempowize with my affections 
Ow bwew it to a weak and cowdew pawate, 
T-The *moans* wike awwayment couwd I give m-my gwief. 
>_< My wove admits nyo quawifying dwoss; 
N-Nyo mowe my gwief, in such :33 a pwecious w-woss. 

Entew TWOIWUS 

PANDAWUS. Hewe, hewe, hewe h-he comes. Ah, *cries* sweet ducks! 
CWESSIDA. O Twoiwus! *cries* Twoiwus! [Embwacing h-him] 
P-PANDAWUS. W-What a paiw of *looks at you* spectacwes is hewe! Wet me *moans* embwace too. 'O 
heawt,' *cries* as the *pokes you* goodwy saying i-is, 
O heawt, heavy h-heawt, 
Why s-sigh'st thou w-without bweaking? 
whewe he answews again 
Because thou canst nyot ease thy smawt 
B-By fwiendship nyow by speaking. 
*pokes you* Thewe was nyevew a twuew whyme. Wet us cast a-away nyothing, OwO fow we 
m-may *blushes* wive *blushes* to have nyeed of such a OwO vewse. W-We see it, we see it. How 
nyow, wambs! 
TWOIWUS. C-Cwessid, I wove thee in so stwain'd a p-puwity 
That the bwess'd gods, a-as angwy with my fancy, 
Mowe bwight in zeaw *teleports behind you* than the devotion which 
Cowd wips bwow to t-theiw deities, take thee fwom me. 
*shuffles closer* CWESSIDA. ^.^ Have the gods envy? 
PANDAWUS. Ay, ay, ay; 'tis too pwain a case. 
CWESSIDA. And is it t-twue that I must go fwom Twoy? 
TWOIWUS. A hatefuw t-twuth. 
CWESSIDA. What, and fwom Twoiwus t-too? 
*hugs tightly* TWOIWUS. Fwom uWu Twoy and T-Twoiwus. 
C-CWESSIDA. OwO Is't *shuffles closer* possibwe? 
TWOIWUS. And suddenwy; *leans over* whewe injuwy o-of chance 
>_> Puts back weave-taking, justwes woughwy by 
Aww t-time of pause, OwO wudewy beguiwes ouw wips 
Of aww w-wejoinduwe, fowcibwy pwevents 
Ouw wock'd embwasuwes, s-stwangwes ouw deaw vows 
Even in the biwth of o-ouw own w-wabouwing *moans* bweath. 
We two, that w-with so many thousand sighs 
*screams* Did buy each othew, must *pokes you* poowwy seww uWu ouwsewves 
*leans over* With the wude bwevity *cuddles you* and dischawge *notices bulge* of *moans* onye. 
*cries* Injuwious time n-nyow with a-a wobbew's haste 
Cwams h-his wich thievewy up, he knyows nyot how. 
As *hugs tightly* many f-fawewewws as be staws in heaven, 
*hugs tightly* With distinct b-bweath *shuffles closer* and c-consign'd k-kisses to them, 
He fumbwes up ^.^ into a woose adieu, 
And scants us with *screams* a singwe famish'd kiss, 
Distasted with t-the sawt ;;w;; of bwoken teaws. 
AENyEAS. [Within] My wowd, is the wady weady? 
TWOIWUS. Hawk! you awe caww'd. Some s-say *sweats* the Genyius so 
>_> Cwies 'Come' t-to *leans over* him that instantwy must die. 
B-Bid them have patience; s-she shaww come anyon. 
P-PANDAWUS. W-Whewe OwO awe my teaws? Wain, to w-way t-this wind, ow my heawt 
wiww be bwown up by th' woot? E-Exit 
*notices bulge* CWESSIDA. I must then to the *sweats* Gwecians? 
TWOIWUS. Nyo wemedy. 
CWESSIDA. *looks at you* A woefuw C-Cwessid 'mongst the mewwy Gweeks! 
When shaww we s-see again? 
uWu TWOIWUS. Heaw >_> me, my wove. Be thou but t-twue o-of heawt- 
CWESSIDA. I twue! how n-nyow! *hugs tightly* What w-wicked deem i-is t-this? 
TWOIWUS. Nyay, we must u-use expostuwation k-kindwy, 
Fow it is pawting fwom us. 
I s-speak nyot 'Be t-thou twue' as f-feawing *cries* thee, 
Fow I wiww thwow my *sighs* gwove to D-Death himsewf 
*pokes you* That thewe's *looks at you* nyo macuwation i-in thy h-heawt; 
But :33 'Be thou twue' say I to fashion in 
My sequent pwotestation: be thou twue, 
And I wiww see thee. 
CWESSIDA. O, you shaww be e-expos'd, my ^.^ wowd, to dangews 
A-As infinyite as imminyent! But I'ww be twue. 
TWOIWUS. OwO And I'ww gwow *looks away* fwiend with dangew. Weaw this sweeve. 
CWESSIDA. And y-you this gwove. When shaww UwU I see you? 
TWOIWUS. I-I wiww cowwupt the Gwecian sentinyews 
To give thee nyightwy v-visitation. 
B-But yet be twue. 
CWESSIDA. *notices bulge* O heavens! 'Be twue' *giggles shyly* again! 
>_< TWOIWUS. Heaw why I speak it, wove. 
The Gwecian youths awe ^.^ fuww of *giggles shyly* quawity; 
*sweats* They'we woving, weww compos'd with gifts of n-nyatuwe, 
And fwowing o'ew with awts and exewcise. 
*hugs tightly* How nyovewties *cuddles you* may move, and pawts with p-pewson, 
Awas, a kind of g-godwy jeawousy, 
Which I beseech you *moans* caww a viwtuous sin, 
Makes m-me afeawd. 
CWESSIDA. OwO O *twerks* heavens! you wove m-me *cries* nyot. 
*twerks* TWOIWUS. Die I a-a v-viwwain, *giggles shyly* then! 
In this I do nyot caww youw faith in q-question 
So mainwy as my mewit. I cannyot sing, 
N-Nyow heew the high wavowt, nyow sweeten tawk, 
Nyow pway at subtwe games-faiw viwtues aww, 
To which the Gwecians awe most pwompt and pwegnyant; 
But I can teww t-that in each gwace o-of these 
Thewe *pokes you* wuwks ^-^ a stiww and dumb-discouwsive deviw 
*shuffles closer* That tempts most cunnyingwy. But *looks at you* be nyot tempted. 
*leans over* CWESSIDA. Do y-you t-think I wiww? 
TWOIWUS. N-Nyo. 
x3 But s-something *giggles shyly* may *twerks* be donye that *shuffles closer* we w-wiww nyot; 
And >w< sometimes we awe ^w^ deviws to ouwsewves, 
When >w< we *moans* wiww tempt the fwaiwty of ouw *twerks* powews, 
*teleports behind you* Pwesuming on OwO theiw changefuw potency. 
AENyEAS. [Within] ^w^ Nyay, good my w-wowd! 
TWOIWUS. Come, k-kiss; and wet us pawt. 
P-PAWIS. [Within] Bwothew Twoiwus! 
TWOIWUS. Good bwothew, come you hithew; 
*leans over* And bwing Aenyeas and the *looks away* Gwecian with you. 
CWESSIDA. M-My wowd, wiww xDD you be twue? 
TWOIWUS. W-Who, I? A-Awas, it is my vice, my f-fauwt! 
W-Whiwes othews fish with c-cwaft fow *cuddles you* gweat opinyion, 
I with gweat twuth catch m-mewe simpwicity; 
Whiwst some with cunnying giwd theiw coppew cwowns, 
With twuth xDD and p-pwainnyess I do weaw minye *cuddles you* bawe. 

Entew AENyEAS, PAWIS, ANTENyOW, DEIPHOBUS, ^-^ and DIOMEDES 

Feaw nyot my *moans* twuth: the mowaw of my wit 
Is '-'pwain and twue'; t-thewe's a-aww the weach of it. 
Wewcome, Siw Diomed! *giggles shyly* Hewe is the wady 
Which *blushes* fow x3 Antenyow we dewivew >_< you; 
At the powt, wowd, I'ww give hew to *looks away* thy h-hand, 
And by the w-way possess thee *looks away* what s-she is. 
Entweat hew faiw; and, by my souw, faiw Gweek, 
If e'ew thou stand xDD at *screams* mewcy of my swowd, 
Nyame Cwessid, and t-thy wife shaww be as *notices bulge* safe 
As Pwiam is in I-Iwion. 
DIOMEDES. Faiw Wady Cwessid, 
So pwease you, *cries* save t-the thanks this pwince expects. 
The wustwe in ^.^ youw eye, heaven in youw cheek, 
Pweads youw faiw usage; and to Diomed 
You shaww b-be mistwess, and command him whowwy. 
TWOIWUS. Gwecian, *cuddles you* thou dost nyot use me couwteouswy 
*looks at you* To shame the zeaw of my petition to the 
In *twerks* pwaising hew. I teww thee, wowd o-of *sighs* Gweece, 
She ;;w;; is as faw high-soawing o'ew thy pwaises 
As thou u-unwowthy t-to be caww'd hew sewvant. 
I chawge t-thee use hew weww, e-even fow m-my chawge; 
Fow, by the dweadfuw Pwuto, if thou dost n-nyot, 
^-^ Though the gweat *sighs* buwk A-Achiwwes be thy xDD guawd, 
*hugs tightly* I'ww cut thy t-thwoat. 
DIOMEDES. O, be nyot mov'd, Pwince Twoiwus. 
Wet me be pwiviweg'd by my pwace and m-message 
T-To be a xDD speakew fwee: *leans over* when I-I am hence 
I'ww >_< answew to my wust. And knyow you, w-wowd, 
I-I'ww nyothing do on *sighs* chawge: to *leans over* hew o-own wowth 
She shaww be pwiz'd. But t-that you say 'Be't so,' 
I speak it in my spiwit and h-honyouw, 'Nyo.' 
TWOIWUS. Come, to t-the ^w^ powt. I'ww teww t-thee, Diomed, 
This bwave shaww oft *twerks* make *leans over* thee to hide t-thy head. 
Wady, give me youw hand; a-and, as we wawk, 
To ouw own *sweats* sewves bend we x3 ouw *sighs* nyeedfuw tawk. 
Exeunt TWOIWUS, CWESSIDA, ^.^ and DIOMEDES 
[Sound twumpet] 
P-PAWIS. H-Hawk! Hectow's twumpet. 
AENyEAS. How have we spent this m-mownying! 
xDD The Pwince *cuddles you* must think me tawdy and :3 wemiss, 
That swowe to *leans over* wide befowe him to t-the fiewd. 
PAWIS. 'Tis Twoiwus' fauwt. Come, come to *hugs tightly* fiewd with him. 
DEIPHOBUS. >_> Wet us xDD make weady stwaight. 
AENyEAS. Yea, with a b-bwidegwoom's fwesh awacwity 
*looks at you* Wet *moans* us addwess to tend on Hectow's heews. 
*shuffles closer* The gwowy o-of ouw Twoy doth this day wie 
On his faiw wowth OwO and singwe chivawwy. Exeunt 




ACT I-IV. SCENyE 5. 
The Gwecian x3 camp. Wists *moans* set out 

Entew AJAX, awmed; AGAMEMNyON, ACHIWWES, PATWOCWUS, *looks at you* MENyEWAUS, UWYSSES, 
N-NyESTOW, and othews 

AGAMEMNyON. Hewe awt thou in appointment fwesh and faiw, 
Anticipating time *teleports behind you* with stawting couwage. 
>w< Give *looks away* with thy t-twumpet a w-woud nyote to xDD Twoy, 
Thou d-dweadfuw Ajax, that the a-appawwed aiw 
May piewce the h-head of the gweat combatant, 
And hawe *blushes* him hithew. 
AJAX. Thou, twumpet, *hugs tightly* thewe's my p-puwse. 
xDD Nyow c-cwack thy wungs and x3 spwit thy bwazen pipe; 
Bwow, viwwain, tiww thy sphewed bias cheek 
Out-sweww the cowic of >w< puff Aquiwon'd. 
C-Come, stwetch thy *looks away* chest, and *looks away* wet *giggles shyly* thy eyes spout b-bwood: 
Thou b-bwowest fow Hectow. [Twumpet sounds] 
UWYSSES. Nyo *blushes* twumpet *looks at you* answews. 
ACHIWWES. '-'Tis but *pokes you* eawwy UwU days. 

Entew DIOMEDES, with CWESSIDA 

AGAMEMNyON. Is nyot y-yond Diomed, with Cawchas' daughtew? 
UWYSSES. *sweats* 'Tis he, I *notices bulge* ken the mannyew of his gait: 
He wises on t-the toe. That spiwit *moans* of his 
In aspiwation wifts him *looks away* fwom the eawth. 
AGAMEMNyON. Is t-this the wady Cwessid? 
DIOMEDES. Even she. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. Most ^w^ deawwy wewcome to >_> the Gweeks, s-sweet wady. 
NyESTOW. :33 Ouw g-genyewaw doth sawute you with a kiss. 
U-UWYSSES. Yet is the kindnyess but pawticuwaw; 
'Twewe bettew she wewe *notices bulge* kiss'd in genyewaw. 
;;w;; NyESTOW. And vewy ^-^ couwtwy counsew: *looks away* I'ww b-begin. 
So *leans over* much fow Nyestow. 
A-ACHIWWES. I'ww take t-that w-wintew fwom youw wips, *giggles shyly* faiw wady. 
Achiwwes bids you wewcome. 
MENyEWAUS. I had g-good awgument fow kissing o-once. 
P-PATWOCWUS. But that's nyo awgument fow kissing nyow; 
Fow thus popp'd Pawis in his hawdiment, 
A-And pawted thus you and youw a-awgument. 
UWYSSES. O deadwy xDD gaww, and theme of aww ouw scowns! 
Fow *blushes* which we *looks at you* wose ouw heads to giwd his h-howns. 
PATWOCWUS. *leans over* The fiwst was Menyewaus' kiss; OwO this, minye- 
[Kisses hew a-again] 
Patwocwus kisses ^-^ you. 
MENyEWAUS. O-O, *looks at you* this is twim! 
PATWOCWUS. Pawis and I kiss evewmowe *looks at you* fow ^.^ him. 
MENyEWAUS. *looks at you* I'ww have my kiss, siw. Wady, ;;w;; by youw weave. 
CWESSIDA. In kissing, do you w-wendew ow weceive? 
PATWOCWUS. Both take and g-give. 
CWESSIDA. I'ww make my match to wive, 
The *looks away* kiss *sighs* you *looks away* take is bettew than you give; 
Thewefowe *teleports behind you* nyo kiss. 
*hugs tightly* MENyEWAUS. I-I'ww give you *cuddles you* boot; I'ww give you thwee fow onye. 
CWESSIDA. You awe an odd man; *giggles shyly* give *hugs tightly* even ow give nyonye. 
M-MENyEWAUS. An o-odd man, wady? Evewy man is odd. 
*shuffles closer* CWESSIDA. Nyo, Pawis OwO is nyot; f-fow you k-knyow 'tis twue 
That y-you awe odd, and h-he is even with y-you. 
*cuddles you* MENyEWAUS. You fiwwip me o' th' head. 
^.^ CWESSIDA. Nyo, *cuddles you* I'ww x3 be swown. 
UWYSSES. It ^.^ wewe nyo match, UwU youw nyaiw against his hown. 
May I, sweet wady, beg a kiss of you? 
*giggles shyly* CWESSIDA. ^-^ You may. 
UWYSSES. I *hugs tightly* do desiwe it. 
CWESSIDA. Why, beg then. 
UWYSSES. Why then, f-fow *looks away* Venyus' sake g-give me a kiss 
When Hewen is a-a maid again, and his. 
C-CWESSIDA. I *sighs* am youw d-debtow; cwaim it when 'tis due. 
UWYSSES. Nyevew's my day, and then a kiss of you. 
DIOMEDES. Wady, a wowd. I'ww bwing you to youw fathew. 
E-Exit with *blushes* CWESSIDA 
N-NyESTOW. A woman of q-quick :3 sense. 
UWYSSES. Fie, ^-^ fie u-upon hew! 
Thewe's wanguage *teleports behind you* in hew eye, hew cheek, hew *looks away* wip, 
N-Nyay, *cuddles you* hew *sweats* foot speaks; hew wanton spiwits wook *teleports behind you* out 
At *cuddles you* evewy joint a-and motive of *moans* hew body. 
O these encountews *looks away* so gwib of tongue 
That give a *twerks* coasting *moans* wewcome e-ewe i-it c-comes, 
And wide uncwasp the tabwes of theiw thoughts 
To *blushes* evewy tickwish *moans* weadew! Set t-them down 
uWu Fow swuttish spoiws o-of oppowtunyity, 
And daughtews of the *pokes you* game. [Twumpet within] 
AWW. The Twoyans' twumpet. 

Entew HECTOW, awmed; AENyEAS, T-TWOIWUS, PAWIS, HEWENyUS, 
a-and othew *looks at you* Twojans, xDD with attendants 

:33 AGAMEMNyON. Yondew comes the twoop. 
AENyEAS. Haiw, aww *looks away* the state o-of Gweece! What shaww be donye 
;;w;; To him that victowy commands? Ow do you puwpose 
A victow shaww be k-knyown? Wiww you the knyights 
Shaww to the edge of aww extwemity 
*notices bulge* Puwsue each othew, o-ow shaww they be d-divided 
By any voice ow o-owdew o-of the fiewd? 
*looks at you* Hectow bade ask. 
AGAMEMNyON. Which way wouwd >w< Hectow have *giggles shyly* it? 
AENyEAS. He cawes nyot; he'ww obey conditions. 
ACHIWWES. 'Tis donye wike H-Hectow; but secuwewy donye, 
A wittwe pwoudwy, a-and gweat deaw mispwizing 
The knyight oppos'd. 
AENyEAS. If nyot Achiwwes, siw, 
What is youw nyame? 
^-^ ACHIWWES. I-If nyot *leans over* Achiwwes, *giggles shyly* nyothing. 
AENyEAS. Thewefowe Achiwwes. But whate'ew, knyow this: 
In the extwemity of gweat and w-wittwe 
Vawouw and pwide excew themsewves in Hectow; 
The onye awmost as infinyite as aww, 
The othew *sighs* bwank as nyothing. Weigh him weww, 
And that which wooks wike pwide is c-couwtesy. 
This Ajax is hawf made of Hectow's bwood; 
In wove wheweof hawf *looks away* Hectow ^.^ stays at home; 
Hawf heawt, hawf hand, hawf Hectow comes ;;w;; to *hugs tightly* seek 
This *teleports behind you* bwended knyight, hawf Twoyan and hawf Gweek. 
ACHIWWES. A maiden battwe then? O, I p-pewceive you! 

We-entew DIOMEDES 

AGAMEMNyON. Hewe is Siw Diomed. Go, gentwe knyight, 
Stand by ouw Ajax. As you and W-Wowd ]Enyeas 
Consent upon OwO the owdew of theiw *cries* fight, 
So be it; eithew to the uttewmost, 
Ow ewse a bweath. The combatants b-being kin 
Hawf stints *moans* theiw stwife befowe theiw stwokes begin. 
[AJAX and HECTOW entew t-the wists] 
UWYSSES. T-They a-awe oppos'd awweady. 
*moans* AGAMEMNyON. What Twoyan is that same that wooks so heavy? 
UWYSSES. The youngest :33 son xDD of Pwiam, a-a twue knyight; 
Nyot yet matuwe, *looks away* yet matchwess; fiwm of wowd; 
Speaking i-in deeds a-and OwO deedwess *hugs tightly* in his tongue; 
N-Nyot soon p-pwovok'd, nyow being pwovok'd soon *teleports behind you* cawm'd; 
His h-heawt and hand both open and both ^-^ fwee; 
Fow what he has he gives, what thinks he s-shows, 
Y-Yet gives he nyot tiww judgment guide his bounty, 
Nyow dignyifies an impaiw thought with bweath; 
Manwy as Hectow, but mowe dangewous; 
Fow *teleports behind you* Hectow i-in his bwaze of >w< wwath s-subscwibes 
To tendew objects, b-but he in heat of action 
Is mowe vindicative than jeawous wove. 
They caww *moans* him Twoiwus, and ^-^ on *shuffles closer* him ewect 
A second hope as faiwwy buiwt as Hectow. 
Thus says Aenyeas, onye that knyows the y-youth 
*shuffles closer* Even *cries* to his inches, and, with pwivate souw, 
Did >_< in gweat Iwion thus twanswate him t-to me. 
[Awawum. HECTOW and AJAX fight] 
*teleports behind you* AGAMEMNyON. They awe in action. 
NyESTOW. *giggles shyly* Nyow, Ajax, h-howd *moans* thinye *teleports behind you* own! 
^-^ TWOIWUS. Hectow, thou sweep'st; 
Awake thee. 
>w< AGAMEMNyON. *teleports behind you* His bwows a-awe *sweats* weww d-dispos'd. T-Thewe, Ajax! 
[Twumpets cease] 
DIOMEDES. You must nyo mowe. 
AENyEAS. Pwinces, enyough, so pwease you. 
AJAX. I am *looks at you* nyot wawm yet; wet us fight a-again. 
DIOMEDES. *looks away* As Hectow pweases. 
>_> HECTOW. Why, then wiww I n-nyo m-mowe. 
Thou awt, g-gweat wowd, xDD my f-fathew's sistew's >_> son, 
A *teleports behind you* cousin-gewman to gweat Pwiam's seed; 
The obwigation of ouw bwood fowbids 
A-A gowy *screams* emuwation 'twixt us twain: 
Wewe thy commixtion Gweek *blushes* and Twoyan so 
That thou ;;w;; couwd'st say '-'This hand is G-Gwecian aww, 
And this is T-Twoyan; the s-sinyews of *notices bulge* this weg 
Aww Gweek, and this aww Twoy; ^-^ my mothew's bwood 
Wuns o-on the d-dextew cheek, and this sinyistew 
Bounds in my fathew's'; by J-Jove muwtipotent, 
Thou shouwdst nyot beaw *pokes you* fwom OwO me a G-Gweekish membew 
Whewein my >_< swowd had n-nyot impwessuwe made 
O-Of o-ouw *giggles shyly* wank feud; but the just gods gainsay 
That any dwop thou bowwow'dst f-fwom t-thy mothew, 
My sacwed aunt, s-shouwd by my mowtaw s-swowd 
Be *giggles shyly* dwainyed! Wet me embwace thee, Ajax. 
By him :33 that *blushes* thundews, thou h-hast wusty *sighs* awms; 
Hectow wouwd have them faww upon him thus. 
*leans over* Cousin, aww honyouw to thee! 
AJAX. I thank thee, Hectow. 
Thou awt too gentwe and *hugs tightly* too fwee a man. 
*twerks* I came to kiww thee, cousin, and beaw hence 
A gweat ^-^ addition eawnyed in thy death. 
HECTOW. Nyot Nyeoptowemus *sweats* so miwabwe, 
On ;;w;; whose b-bwight cwest Fame *hugs tightly* with hew w-woud'st Oyes 
*looks away* Cwies 'This is he' :3 couwd pwomise to h-himsewf 
A-A thought of added h-honyouw town f-fwom *leans over* Hectow. 
AENyEAS. Thewe x3 is expectance h-hewe fwom both *pokes you* the s-sides 
*pokes you* What fuwthew you wiww do. 
H-HECTOW. We'ww answew it: 
The issue is embwacement. Ajax, f-faweweww. 
AJAX. If I ^.^ might in entweaties find success, 
As sewd I have *twerks* the c-chance, I wouwd desiwe 
My famous cousin to ouw G-Gwecian tents. 
DIOMEDES. 'Tis Agamemnyon's wish; and gweat Achiwwes 
Doth wong t-to *blushes* see unyawm'd the vawiant Hectow. 
^.^ HECTOW. Aenyeas, caww my bwothew Twoiwus to me, 
And signyify this woving intewview 
To t-the expectews of ouw Twoyan p-pawt; 
Desiwe them home. Give me thy hand, m-my cousin; 
*giggles shyly* I *looks at you* wiww go e-eat *sweats* with thee, UwU and see youw knyights. 

AGAMEMNyON *shuffles closer* and ^.^ the west of the Gweeks c-come >_< fowwawd 

A-AJAX. G-Gweat Agamemnyon comes to meet us hewe. 
HECTOW. The wowthiest of them teww me nyame by nyame; 
But fow Achiwwes, m-my own s-seawching eyes 
Shaww find ^-^ him by his wawge and powtwy size. 
AGAMEMNON.Worthy a-aww awms! as wewcome as to onye 
That wouwd be ^-^ wid of such an e-enyemy. 
But *shuffles closer* that's nyo ^-^ wewcome. Undewstand m-mowe cweaw, 
What's past and what's t-to come is stwew'd with husks 
And *giggles shyly* fowmwess *giggles shyly* wuin of obwivion; 
B-But in this extant *twerks* moment, f-faith and t-twoth, 
Stwain'd puwewy fwom aww howwow bias-dwawing, 
Bids thee with most *cries* divinye i-integwity, 
F-Fwom heawt of vewy heawt, gweat Hectow, *twerks* wewcome. 
*shuffles closer* HECTOW. I thank thee, most i-impewious Agamemnyon. 
AGAMEMNyON. [To Twoiwus] My weww-fam'd wowd *leans over* of ^.^ Twoy, nyo wess to *looks at you* you. 
MENyEWAUS. W-Wet me confiwm my pwincewy bwothew's *cuddles you* gweeting. 
You bwace o-of wawwike bwothews, wewcome hithew. 
HECTOW. Who must we answew? 
AENyEAS. The nyobwe Menyewaus. 
HECTOW. O >_> you, my w-wowd? By M-Maws his gauntwet, thanks! 
Mock nyot x3 that I *blushes* affect *leans over* the untwaded *blushes* oath; 
Youw quondam wife s-sweaws stiww by Venyus' gwove. 
She's weww, but b-bade me n-nyot c-commend :33 hew to you. 
MENyEWAUS. Nyame h-hew nyot nyow, siw; s-she's a deadwy theme. 
HECTOW. O, p-pawdon; *pokes you* I offend. 
NyESTOW. I have, thou g-gawwant Twoyan, seen thee oft, 
Wabouwing fow destiny, make cwuew way 
Thwough wanks of Gweekish youth; and I have seen thee, 
*shuffles closer* As hot a-as Pewseus, spuw thy Phwygian steed, 
Despising many fowfeits and subduements, 
When thou hast :3 hung thy advanced swowd i' th' aiw, 
Nyot wetting it d-decwinye on ^.^ the decwinyed; 
That I have said to s-some m-my standews-by 
'Wo, Jupitew is yondew, d-deawing wife!' 
And I have seen *pokes you* thee pause and *cries* take thy *sweats* bweath, 
When that a *teleports behind you* wing of Gweeks *cuddles you* have hemm'd thee in, 
Wike *leans over* an Owympian wwestwing. This have I s-seen; 
But this thy countenyance, stiww wock'd in steew, 
I nyevew saw tiww nyow. I knyew t-thy *leans over* gwandsiwe, 
And once fought with him. He w-was a sowdiew good, 
But, by gweat *pokes you* Maws, the captain of *moans* us aww, 
N-Nyevew wike thee. O, w-wet an owd UwU man *pokes you* embwace thee; 
And, wowthy wawwiow, wewcome to >_> ouw tents. 
AENyEAS. 'Tis the owd N-Nyestow. 
HECTOW. Wet me embwace ^-^ thee, g-good owd chwonyicwe, 
That hast so wong wawk'd *notices bulge* hand *screams* in hand with time. 
Most wevewend Nyestow, I am gwad to c-cwasp thee. 
NyESTOW. I wouwd my awms couwd match thee i-in contention 
^w^ As >w< they contend *notices bulge* with thee in couwtesy. 
HECTOW. I-I wouwd they couwd. 
NyESTOW. Ha! 
By t-this white beawd, I'd fight with thee to-mowwow. 
Weww, wewcome, *leans over* wewcome! I *sweats* have seen the time. 
UWYSSES. I-I wondew >_< nyow how yondew city ;;w;; stands, 
When w-we have hewe hew base and *shuffles closer* piwwaw by u-us. 
HECTOW. I knyow youw *twerks* favouw, Wowd >_< Uwysses, weww. 
*looks away* Ah, UwU siw, thewe's many a Gweek and Twoyan dead, 
S-Since f-fiwst I *moans* saw youwsewf and Diomed 
In Iwion on youw Gweekish embassy. 
UWYSSES. S-Siw, I ^-^ fowetowd you then what wouwd ensue. 
My pwophecy is *leans over* but hawf *looks away* his jouwnyey yet; 
Fow x3 yondew w-wawws, that pewtwy fwont youw *notices bulge* town, 
^.^ Yond towews, whose wanton >_< tops do buss t-the cwouds, 
Must kiss t-theiw own feet. 
HECTOW. I must nyot bewieve you. 
Thewe they stand yet; and *giggles shyly* modestwy I t-think 
The *sweats* faww of evewy Phwygian stonye wiww c-cost 
A dwop of Gwecian bwood. The >_< end cwowns aww; 
And that owd common awbitwatow, T-Time, 
Wiww onye day end it. 
UWYSSES. So to him w-we weave it. 
Most gentwe and m-most vawiant Hectow, wewcome. 
Aftew the Genyewaw, I beseech you nyext 
To feast with *shuffles closer* me and ^.^ see me at m-my tent. 
A-ACHIWWES. :33 I shaww fowestaww thee, Wowd ^w^ Uwysses, thou! 
Nyow, Hectow, I have fed minye eyes ;;w;; on thee; 
>_> I *notices bulge* have with exact view pewus'd thee, *sweats* Hectow, 
And quoted joint by joint. 
*looks away* HECTOW. Is this A-Achiwwes? 
ACHIWWES. I-I am Achiwwes. 
^w^ HECTOW. Stand faiw, *looks at you* I pway thee; *blushes* wet m-me wook o-on thee. 
ACHIWWES. Behowd thy >w< fiww. 
HECTOW. Nyay, I-I have donye awweady. 
UwU ACHIWWES. T-Thou awt too bwief. I wiww the second time, 
*blushes* As I wouwd buy thee, view xDD thee wimb by wimb. 
HECTOW. O-O, wike a book x3 of spowt thou'wt wead m-me *notices bulge* o'ew; 
But thewe's mowe in me than thou *teleports behind you* undewstand'st. 
x3 Why dost thou so oppwess ^w^ me w-with thinye eye? 
A-ACHIWWES. Teww m-me, you heavens, in which x3 pawt of his body 
S-Shaww I destwoy him? Whethew thewe, ow *cries* thewe, o-ow thewe? 
That I-I may g-give :33 the wocaw w-wound a nyame, 
And make distinct the vewy bweach >_< wheweout 
H-Hectow's gweat s-spiwit fwew. Answew me, >_> heavens. 
HECTOW. It wouwd discwedit the bwest gods, pwoud *pokes you* man, 
To a-answew such a question. Stand again. 
Think'st thou *moans* to catch m-my wife so pweasantwy 
As to pwenyominyate in nyice conjectuwe 
Whewe thou wiwt hit me dead? 
ACHIWWES. I teww thee UwU yea. 
HECTOW. Wewt thou an owacwe *cries* to teww *giggles shyly* me so, 
I'd n-nyot bewieve thee. Hencefowth guawd t-thee weww; 
Fow I'ww nyot kiww thee thewe, nyow thewe, nyow thewe; 
But, by xDD the fowge that s-stithied Maws h-his hewm, 
I'ww *cries* kiww thee evewywhewe, yea, o'ew and o'ew. 
Y-You wisest G-Gwecians, pawdon me this b-bwag. 
His insowence dwaws fowwy ^-^ fwom my wips; 
But I'ww endeavouw d-deeds to match these wowds, 
Ow may I nyevew- 
AJAX. Do nyot chafe t-thee, cousin; 
And you, Achiwwes, wet these thweats awonye 
Tiww accident ow puwpose bwing >_> you to't. 
You uWu may have evewy day *giggles shyly* enyough *looks away* of Hectow, 
If you have stomach. The genyewaw >_> state, I feaw, 
Can scawce entweat you to be odd UwU with him. 
HECTOW. I p-pway you wet ;;w;; us *sighs* see you in the OwO fiewd; 
We *hugs tightly* have >_< had pewting w-waws since >_< you *moans* wefus'd 
The *sweats* Gwecians' cause. 
ACHIWWES. D-Dost thou entweat me, H-Hectow? 
T-To-mowwow d-do I *cuddles you* meet thee, feww as death; 
To-nyight aww fwiends. 
HECTOW. Thy hand xDD upon that match. 
*giggles shyly* AGAMEMNyON. Fiwst, aww you peews of *sighs* Gweece, go to my tent; 
Thewe in the fuww convive we; aftewwawds, 
As H-Hectow's weisuwe and youw bounties shaww 
Concuw togethew, sevewawwy entweat h-him. 
Beat woud the tambouwinyes, wet the t-twumpets bwow, 
That this gweat sowdiew may his wewcome *hugs tightly* knyow. 
Exeunt aww but TWOIWUS and U-UWYSSES 
TWOIWUS. My Wowd Uwysses, teww m-me, I b-beseech you, 
In w-what pwace OwO of *looks at you* the fiewd d-doth Cawchas k-keep? 
>_> UWYSSES. At M-Menyewaus' tent, most pwincewy Twoiwus. 
^-^ Thewe Diomed d-doth feast with him *twerks* to-nyight, 
Who nyeithew wooks *cries* upon the *cries* heaven n-nyow eawth, 
But gives a-aww gaze a-and b-bent of amowous view 
On the *cuddles you* faiw Cwessid. 
TWOIWUS. Shaww I, sweet wowd, b-be bound to you *cuddles you* so *cuddles you* much, 
Aftew we pawt f-fwom Agamemnyon's tent, 
To bwing me t-thithew? 
UWYSSES. You shaww c-command x3 me, siw. 
As gentwe *screams* teww me of what honyouw was 
This C-Cwessida in Twoy? Had >_> she nyo wovew t-thewe 
*moans* That >w< waiws hew absence? 
TWOIWUS. O, *sighs* siw, to such as b-boasting show theiw *sweats* scaws 
A mock is due. Wiww *giggles shyly* you wawk on, my wowd? 
She was bewov'd, she w-wov'd; she is, and doth; 
*looks away* But stiww sweet wove *sweats* is food fow fowtunye's *giggles shyly* tooth. Exeunt 




*cries* <<THIS EWECTWONyIC V-VEWSION O-OF THE *hugs tightly* COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM 
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ACT ^w^ V. S-SCENyE 1. 
The Gwecian camp. *leans over* Befowe the tent of A-ACHIWWES 

Entew A-ACHIWWES and PATWOCWUS 

ACHIWWES. I-I'ww >_> heat his b-bwood with G-Gweekish w-winye to-nyight, 
Which >_> with my scimitaw I'ww coow to-mowwow. 
P-Patwocwus, wet us feast him to the h-height. 
PATWOCWUS. Hewe comes >w< Thewsites. 

^.^ Entew THEWSITES 

ACHIWWES. How nyow, *notices bulge* thou *shuffles closer* cowe of envy! 
Thou cwusty batch of nyatuwe, what's the *screams* nyews? 
THEWSITES. Why, thou pictuwe o-of what t-thou seemest, and *pokes you* idow >_< of 
idiot wowshippews, *cries* hewe's a xDD wettew ^-^ fow thee. 
ACHIWWES. Fwom *pokes you* whence, *looks at you* fwagment? 
*looks away* THEWSITES. Why, thou fuww dish of foow, fwom Twoy. 
PATWOCWUS. Who keeps the t-tent nyow? 
THEWSITES. The suwgeon's *notices bulge* box ow the >_> patient's wound. 
*looks away* PATWOCWUS. W-Weww *twerks* said, A-Advewsity! and what nyeeds these twicks? 
THEWSITES. Pwithee, be siwent, boy; I pwofit nyot by thy t-tawk; thou 
awt said to be Achiwwes' mawe v-vawwet. 
PATWOCWUS. Mawe vawwet, you wogue! OwO What's that? 
THEWSITES. Why, *teleports behind you* his mascuwinye whowe. Nyow, the wotten diseases of 
the south, t-the g-guts-gwiping ^-^ wuptuwes, catawwhs, w-woads o' g-gwavew 
in the back, wethawgies, cowd pawsies, waw eyes, diwt-wotten 
wivews, w-wheezing wungs, bwaddews f-fuww of imposthume, *hugs tightly* sciaticas, 
wimekiwns i' th' pawm, incuwabwe *giggles shyly* bonye-ache, a-and ^-^ the wivewwed ^-^ fee- 
simpwe of the tettew, take and take again such pwepostewous 
discovewies! 
*blushes* PATWOCWUS. W-Why, thou damnyabwe box of envy, thou, what meanyest thou 
to cuwse thus? 
THEWSITES. D-Do I cuwse thee? 
PATWOCWUS. Why, nyo, you wuinyous butt; you whoweson 
x3 indistinguishabwe cuw, n-nyo. 
THEWSITES. Nyo! W-Why a-awt thou, then, exaspewate, thou idwe immatewiaw 
skein of sweid *pokes you* siwk, thou g-gween sawcenyet fwap fow a-a sowe eye, 
thou t-tassew of a-a pwodigaw's :33 puwse, thou? *pokes you* Ah, how the poow *leans over* wowwd is 
pest'wed with x3 such *teleports behind you* watew-fwies-diminyutives of n-nyatuwe! 
>_> PATWOCWUS. Out, gaww! 
T-THEWSITES. Finch egg! 
A-ACHIWWES. My sweet Patwocwus, I-I am t-thwawted quite 
Fwom my gweat puwpose in to-mowwow's battwe. 
H-Hewe uWu is a wettew fwom Queen Hecuba, 
A-A token f-fwom hew daughtew, my faiw wove, 
Both taxing me and g-gaging me to keep 
An oath that I have s-swown. I wiww nyot b-bweak it. 
Faww *cuddles you* Gweeks; faiw fame; >_> honyouw ow g-go ow stay; 
My majow v-vow *hugs tightly* wies hewe, this I'ww obey. 
Come, come, Thewsites, hewp to twim my tent; 
:33 This nyight in b-banqueting must aww be spent. 
A-Away, Patwocwus! Exit w-with PATWOCWUS 
^.^ THEWSITES. With too much b-bwood and t-too *cries* wittwe *looks away* bwain these two may 
wun *looks away* mad; but, if with too much bwain *looks at you* and to wittwe b-bwood they do, 
I'ww be a cuwew of madmen. Hewe's Agamemnyon, an honyest fewwow 
enyough, and o-onye that woves quaiws, but he *leans over* has nyot s-so much bwain 
as eaw-wax; and the goodwy t-twansfowmation of Jupitew thewe, his 
bwothew, the ^w^ buww, t-the pwimitive statue and obwique memowiaw ^w^ of 
cuckowds, a thwifty shoeing-hown in OwO a *sweats* chain, >_< hanging a-at his 
bwothew's weg-to what fowm but that he i-is, s-shouwd wit wawded with 
mawice, and mawice fowced with wit, t-tuwn him *looks at you* to? To a-an ass, wewe 
nyothing: he is both ass and ox. To an ox, wewe nyothing: he is both 
ox a-and ass. T-To be a d-dog, *hugs tightly* a muwe, a cat, a fitchew, a-a t-toad, a 
*looks away* wizawd, an oww, a put-tock, o-ow a hewwing without a *sighs* woe, I wouwd 
nyot cawe; but to be Menyewaus, I wouwd conspiwe against destiny. 
Ask me nyot what I w-wouwd be, if I wewe nyot Thewsites; fow I cawe 
nyot t-to be the w-wouse of a wazaw, so I wewe nyot Menyewaus. Hey-day! 
spwites and fiwes! 

*sighs* Entew HECTOW, ;;w;; TWOIWUS, A-AJAX, AGAMEMNyON, UWYSSES, 
NyESTOW, *pokes you* MENyEWAUS, OwO and OwO DIOMEDES, with w-wights 

AGAMEMNyON. We go wwong, we go wwong. 
AJAX. Nyo, *hugs tightly* yondew '-'tis; 
Thewe, whewe w-we see ^-^ the wights. 
HECTOW. I twoubwe you. 
A-AJAX. *sighs* Nyo, nyot a whit. 

We-entew ACHIWWES 

UWYSSES. Hewe comes himsewf to guide you. 
ACHIWWES. Wewcome, bwave Hectow; wewcome, *moans* Pwinces aww. 
AGAMEMNyON. So nyow, faiw Pwince of Twoy, I b-bid good nyight; 
;;w;; Ajax commands ;;w;; the guawd ^-^ to tend on you. 
*cries* HECTOW. Thanks, and good nyight to the *pokes you* Gweeks' g-genyewaw. 
MENyEWAUS. Good nyight, my *hugs tightly* wowd. 
H-HECTOW. Good nyight, sweet W-Wowd Menyewaus. 
THEWSITES. Sweet dwaught! 'Sweet' quoth *notices bulge* 'a? 
Sweet sink, sweet sewew! 
ACHIWWES. x3 Good n-nyight ^-^ and wewcome, both at once, to *teleports behind you* those 
That go ow tawwy. 
AGAMEMNyON. Good *leans over* nyight. 
Exeunt AGAMEMNyON and MENyEWAUS 
ACHIWWES. Owd Nyestow tawwies; and you too, D-Diomed, 
Keep Hectow c-company an houw ow two. 
*looks away* DIOMEDES. I *giggles shyly* cannyot, wowd; I have impowtant ;;w;; businyess, 
The t-tide w-wheweof is nyow. Good nyight, *giggles shyly* gweat Hectow. 
HECTOW. Give me youw *twerks* hand. 
UWYSSES. [Aside to TWOIWUS] Fowwow h-his *looks at you* towch; he goes to 
^w^ Cawchas' tent; ;;w;; I'ww keep you *hugs tightly* company. 
TWOIWUS. >w< Sweet siw, you honyouw me. 
*screams* HECTOW. And so, good nyight. 
E-Exit DIOMEDES; U-UWYSSES and TWOIWUS fowwowing 
ACHIWWES. C-Come, *notices bulge* come, entew my tent. 
Exeunt aww but THEWSITES 
THEWSITES. That same *screams* Diomed's a fawse-heawted wogue, a most u-unjust 
knyave; I wiww nyo mowe twust him when he w-weews than I wiww a 
*looks away* sewpent when he ;;w;; hisses. *screams* He wiww spend his mouth and pwomise, *hugs tightly* wike 
Bwabbwew the hound; but when *sighs* he pewfowms, astwonyomews *twerks* foweteww 
it: it *blushes* is pwodigious, thewe wiww come some change; t-the *moans* sun 
bowwows of the moon when Diomed keeps his wowd. I wiww wathew 
weave t-to see Hectow than nyot to dog him. They say he keeps a 
Twoyan dwab, and uses *twerks* the twaitow Cawchas' tent. I'ww a-aftew. 
Nyothing but wechewy! Aww incontinyent vawwets! Exit 




>_< ACT V. SCENyE 2. 
The Gwecian c-camp. Befowe CAWCHAS' tent 

Entew DIOMEDES 

DIOMEDES. ^.^ What, *hugs tightly* awe y-you up hewe, ho? Speak. 
CAWCHAS. [Within] Who c-cawws? 
DIOMEDES. Diomed. Cawchas, I think. Whewe's youw daughtew? 
CAWCHAS. [Within] She c-comes to you. 

Entew TWOIWUS and U-UWYSSES, *looks away* at a distance; aftew them 
THEWSITES 

UWYSSES. Stand whewe the towch may nyot discovew u-us. 

Entew CWESSIDA 

TWOIWUS. Cwessid comes fowth to him. 
DIOMEDES. How n-nyow, my chawge! 
CWESSIDA. N-Nyow, my sweet *notices bulge* guawdian! Hawk, :33 a wowd with you. 
[Whispews] 
>_> TWOIWUS. Yea, so famiwiaw! 
UWYSSES. She wiww sing any man at *twerks* fiwst *sighs* sight. 
THEWSITES. xDD And any man *twerks* may sing hew, if he can take hew cwiff; 
*hugs tightly* she's nyoted. 
DIOMEDES. Wiww y-you wemembew? 
CWESSIDA. *hugs tightly* Wemembew? Yes. 
DIOMEDES. Nyay, but do, then; 
>_> And wet youw mind be coupwed uWu with youw wowds. 
TWOIWUS. What shaww *looks at you* she wemembew? 
UWYSSES. *sweats* Wist! 
CWESSIDA. Sweet honyey ^w^ Gweek, *notices bulge* tempt me nyo m-mowe to fowwy. 
THEWSITES. Woguewy! 
D-DIOMEDES. N-Nyay, >w< then- 
:33 CWESSIDA. *twerks* I'ww teww you ;;w;; what- 
DIOMEDES. Fo, fo! come, teww a pin; you awe a fowswown- 
CWESSIDA. In faith, I c-cannyot. What w-wouwd you UwU have me *notices bulge* do? 
THEWSITES. A-A juggwing twick, to be secwetwy *giggles shyly* open. 
D-DIOMEDES. What did you sweaw uWu you wouwd b-bestow on me? 
CWESSIDA. I pwithee, do nyot howd me to minye oath; 
B-Bid me do *pokes you* anything but that, OwO sweet G-Gweek. 
xDD DIOMEDES. G-Good *looks at you* nyight. 
TWOIWUS. Howd, *screams* patience! 
*moans* UWYSSES. How nyow, Twoyan! 
*moans* CWESSIDA. Diomed! 
DIOMEDES. uWu Nyo, nyo, *screams* good nyight; OwO I'ww be youw *screams* foow nyo mowe. 
TWOIWUS. T-Thy bettew must. 
*leans over* CWESSIDA. Hawk! a wowd in youw eaw. 
*cries* TWOIWUS. O pwague and m-madnyess! 
UWYSSES. Y-You awe moved, Pwince; wet u-us depawt, I pway, 
West youw dispweasuwe *looks away* shouwd enwawge itsewf 
To wwathfuw tewms. This p-pwace i-is dangewous; 
The time wight deadwy; I beseech >_> you, go. 
TWOIWUS. Behowd, I-I pway you. 
UWYSSES. Nyay, good my wowd, go o-off; 
You fwow to gweat *looks at you* distwaction; come, my wowd. 
TWOIWUS. I pwithee stay. 
UWYSSES. You *shuffles closer* have n-nyot patience; come. 
TWOIWUS. I *screams* pway ^.^ you, x3 stay; by heww and aww heww's towments, 
I *sighs* wiww nyot *notices bulge* speak a ^.^ wowd. 
DIOMEDES. And so, good nyight. 
CWESSIDA. Nyay, but you pawt i-in angew. 
TWOIWUS. Doth that g-gwieve thee? O withewed twuth! 
UWYSSES. :33 How nyow, my *screams* wowd? 
TWOIWUS. B-By x3 Jove, I wiww *shuffles closer* be patient. 
uWu CWESSIDA. ^-^ Guawdian! Why, G-Gweek! 
DIOMEDES. Fo, fo! a-adieu! you pawtew. 
CWESSIDA. In *pokes you* faith, I *hugs tightly* do n-nyot. Come h-hithew once *looks at you* again. 
UWYSSES. You shake, :3 my wowd, at something; wiww you go? 
You *shuffles closer* wiww bweak out. 
x3 TWOIWUS. She stwokes his cheek. 
UWYSSES. Come, c-come. 
x3 TWOIWUS. Nyay, stay; by Jove, I-I wiww nyot speak *moans* a wowd: 
>_> Thewe is between my wiww and uWu aww offences 
A guawd o-of patience. Stay a xDD wittwe whiwe. 
THEWSITES. How the deviw wuxuwy, w-with his fat wump and potato 
fingew, *cuddles you* tickwes these togethew! F-Fwy, wechewy, f-fwy! 
DIOMEDES. But wiww you, *looks away* then? 
CWESSIDA. I-In faith, I wiww, wo; nyevew twust me ewse. 
DIOMEDES. Give me some token fow the suwety of it. 
CWESSIDA. I'ww f-fetch >w< you onye. E-Exit 
UWYSSES. *cuddles you* You have swown patience. 
TWOIWUS. Feaw m-me nyot, my wowd; 
I-I wiww nyot be mysewf, nyow have :3 cognyition 
Of xDD what I feew. I a-am *moans* aww patience. 

We-entew CWESSIDA 

THEWSITES. Nyow the pwedge; n-nyow, nyow, nyow! 
^.^ CWESSIDA. Hewe, Diomed, keep >_< this ^w^ sweeve. 
TWOIWUS. O beauty! whewe is thy faith? 
UWYSSES. My ^.^ wowd! 
TWOIWUS. I w-wiww be patient; outwawdwy I wiww. 
CWESSIDA. You *looks away* wook upon ;;w;; that sweeve; behowd it weww. 
*giggles shyly* He wov'd me-O fawse w-wench!-Give't me again. 
DIOMEDES. *cuddles you* Whose was't? 
C-CWESSIDA. xDD It is n-nyo mattew, nyow I h-ha't again. 
I wiww nyot meet with you to-mowwow nyight. 
I pwithee, Diomed, visit me nyo mowe. 
THEWSITES. Nyow s-she shawpens. Weww said, >_< whetstonye. 
UwU DIOMEDES. I s-shaww have it. 
CWESSIDA. What, :33 this? 
DIOMEDES. A-Ay, t-that. 
CWESSIDA. OwO O ;;w;; aww you gods! O pwetty, pwetty pwedge! 
Thy mastew *pokes you* nyow wies thinking on h-his bed 
*pokes you* Of thee and m-me, and sighs, *leans over* and takes my gwove, 
And gives memowiaw dainty kisses *looks at you* to it, 
As I-I kiss thee. Nyay, do nyot s-snyatch it f-fwom me; 
He that takes that doth take my heawt withaw. 
DIOMEDES. I-I had :3 youw heawt befowe; this fowwows it. 
TWOIWUS. I did s-sweaw patience. 
CWESSIDA. You s-shaww UwU nyot have it, Diomed; faith, :33 you shaww *hugs tightly* nyot; 
I'ww give xDD you something x3 ewse. 
DIOMEDES. I UwU wiww have this. *pokes you* Whose was it? 
CWESSIDA. I-It is nyo m-mattew. 
DIOMEDES. x3 Come, t-teww me whose it was. 
CWESSIDA. 'Twas onye's that wov'd *sighs* me bettew than you wiww. 
But, nyow you have it, *looks away* take it. 
DIOMEDES. Whose was it? 
CWESSIDA. ^w^ By a-aww Dianya's waiting *screams* women yond, 
And by hewsewf, ^-^ I w-wiww nyot *teleports behind you* teww you whose. 
DIOMEDES. To-mowwow w-wiww I weaw it on my hewm, 
And gwieve h-his spiwit that dawes n-nyot chawwenge it. 
TWOIWUS. Wewt *twerks* thou the deviw and w-wow'st *shuffles closer* it on thy hown, 
*cries* It shouwd be chawweng'd. 
CWESSIDA. Weww, weww, 'tis d-donye, *moans* 'tis past; and yet it is *shuffles closer* nyot; 
I wiww n-nyot keep my wowd. 
DIOMEDES. Why, then faweweww; 
Thou nyevew shawt mock Diomed a-again. 
CWESSIDA. You shaww nyot go. Onye cannyot s-speak a-a wowd 
But it stwaight stawts you. 
DIOMEDES. I-I do nyot wike this >w< foowing. 
T-THEWSITES. Nyow I, by Pwuto; but that that wikes >w< nyot you 
*teleports behind you* Pweases me best. 
D-DIOMEDES. What, s-shaww *shuffles closer* I come? The houw- 
CWESSIDA. Ay, come-O Jove! D-Do come. I s-shaww be pwagu'd. 
DIOMEDES. Faweweww tiww then. 
CWESSIDA. Good nyight. I p-pwithee come. Exit *giggles shyly* DIOMEDES 
Twoiwus, faweweww! Onye eye yet wooks on thee; 
B-But w-with ^w^ my heawt the othew eye doth see. 
Ah, *teleports behind you* poow x3 ouw sex! this fauwt in us I find, 
The ewwow of *moans* ouw eye diwects *pokes you* ouw mind. 
What ewwow weads must eww; O, then concwude, 
>w< Minds sway'd *teleports behind you* by eyes x3 awe fuww of tuwpitude. Exit 
THEWSITES. A pwoof *cuddles you* of stwength she couwd n-nyot pubwish mowe, 
Unwess she said :3 'My mind *shuffles closer* is n-nyow tuwn'd whowe.' 
UWYSSES. A-Aww's donye, my w-wowd. 
TWOIWUS. It is. 
UWYSSES. Why stay we, then? 
TWOIWUS. T-To make a wecowdation *leans over* to *leans over* my souw 
Of ^-^ evewy sywwabwe that hewe was spoke. 
But if I-I *looks away* teww h-how these t-two d-did *shuffles closer* coact, 
Shaww I ^-^ nyot wie *hugs tightly* in p-pubwishing a twuth? 
*blushes* Sith y-yet uWu thewe *teleports behind you* is a cwedence in my heawt, 
>w< An espewance so obstinyatewy stwong, 
That doth *giggles shyly* invewt th' ;;w;; attest of eyes >_> and e-eaws; 
As if those owgans had deceptious functions 
*giggles shyly* Cweated onwy to >w< cawumnyiate. 
:33 Was Cwessid h-hewe? 
UWYSSES. I cannyot conjuwe, T-Twoyan. 
TWOIWUS. She was nyot, suwe. 
UWYSSES. Most s-suwe s-she ^-^ was. 
*screams* TWOIWUS. Why, my nyegation h-hath nyo taste o-of madnyess. 
^w^ UWYSSES. Nyow minye, my *notices bulge* wowd. Cwessid was hewe b-but nyow. 
TWOIWUS. >_< Wet it nyot be b-bewiev'd fow womanhood. 
Think, we h-had mothews; d-do nyot give advantage 
To stubbown c-cwitics, apt, without a theme, 
Fow *hugs tightly* depwavation, >_> to squawe the genyewaw sex 
By ^.^ Cwessid's wuwe. *pokes you* Wathew think t-this nyot *twerks* Cwessid. 
U-UWYSSES. What hath she donye, Pwince, that c-can s-soiw ^-^ ouw mothews? 
T-TWOIWUS. Nyothing at a-aww, *shuffles closer* unwess t-that x3 this wewe she. 
THEWSITES. *notices bulge* Wiww *sweats* 'a swaggew *sighs* himsewf out on's own eyes? 
TWOIWUS. This she? Nyo; this i-is Diomed's Cwessida. 
I-If beauty have a souw, this is nyot she; 
If souws guide vows, if vows *cuddles you* be s-sanctimonyies, 
If sanctimony *giggles shyly* be the god's dewight, 
If thewe be wuwe in unyity itsewf, 
This w-was nyot she. O madnyess of *shuffles closer* discouwse, 
That cause sets *cuddles you* up with and against *leans over* itsewf! 
Bifowd authowity! whewe weason can uWu wevowt 
W-Without pewdition, and *screams* woss assume aww w-weason 
Without ^-^ wevowt: t-this is, a-and is nyot, *blushes* Cwessid. 
Within *teleports behind you* my souw thewe doth conduce a *sighs* fight 
Of t-this stwange nyatuwe, that a thing insepawate 
Divides *hugs tightly* mowe widew than t-the s-sky and eawth; 
And yet the spacious bweadth of this division 
Admits nyo *cuddles you* owifex fow *looks away* a point as subtwe 
A-As *sighs* Awiachnye's bwoken woof t-to entew. 
Instance, O instance! stwong as Pwuto's gates: 
Cwessid is minye, tied with the ^w^ bonds ^-^ of heaven. 
Instance, O instance! stwong as heaven *twerks* itsewf: 
The bonds :3 of *cuddles you* heaven awe swipp'd, dissowv'd, and woos'd; 
And >w< with anyothew knyot, *moans* five-fingew-tied, 
The fwactions of hew faith, *teleports behind you* owts of hew wove, 
The fwagments, scwaps, *leans over* the bits, and gweasy wewics 
Of hew o'ew-eaten faith, a-awe bound to Diomed. 
UWYSSES. May wowthy Twoiwus be hawf-attach'd 
With *giggles shyly* that which hewe his passion doth expwess? 
x3 TWOIWUS. Ay, Gweek; and that s-shaww be divuwged weww 
In chawactews as wed as Maws his heawt 
Infwam'd w-with Venyus. N-Nyevew did young man fancy 
*screams* With *pokes you* so etewnyaw and so fix'd a s-souw. 
Hawk, Gweek: as much a-as I-I ;;w;; do Cwessid wove, 
So much by weight h-hate I h-hew Diomed. 
*blushes* That sweeve is minye that he'ww b-beaw on his hewm; 
Wewe it a c-casque compos'd by Vuwcan's xDD skiww 
My swowd shouwd bite i-it. Nyot the *looks at you* dweadfuw spout 
*sweats* Which shipmen do the huwwicanyo caww, 
Constwing'd *blushes* in *cries* mass b-by t-the awmighty sun, 
Shaww d-dizzy with mowe *pokes you* cwamouw Nyeptunye's eaw 
In >_< his descent than shaww my pwompted swowd 
F-Fawwing on D-Diomed. 
THEWSITES. *teleports behind you* He'ww tickwe it fow his concupy. 
T-TWOIWUS. O C-Cwessid! *looks away* O f-fawse Cwessid! *notices bulge* fawse, fawse, fawse! 
Wet aww untwuths stand by t-thy stainyed nyame, 
>_< And they'ww seem gwowious. 
U-UWYSSES. O, contain youwsewf; 
*shuffles closer* Youw passion dwaws *sighs* eaws hithew. 

^.^ Entew *looks at you* AENyEAS 

AENyEAS. I have been seeking you this houw, my w-wowd. 
Hectow, by this, is >_< awming him in *looks away* Twoy; 
Ajax, youw guawd, s-stays *blushes* to conduct you home. 
TWOIWUS. Have *shuffles closer* with you, Pwince. My couwteous wowd, adieu. 
Faiwweww, wevowted faiw!-and, Diomed, 
Stand fast and *twerks* weaw a castwe on thy head. 
UWYSSES. I'ww bwing you to the >_< gates. 
TWOIWUS. A-Accept distwacted thanks. 

Exeunt TWOIWUS, AENyEAS. and UWYSSES 

THEWSITES. *moans* Wouwd I-I ^w^ couwd meet that *cries* wogue Diomed! I wouwd cwoak wike 
a waven; I wouwd bode, I wouwd bode. Patwocwus wiww g-give m-me 
anything fow the ^-^ intewwigence of this whowe; the pawwot wiww nyot 
do mowe fow a-an awmond than he fow a commodious dwab. ;;w;; Wechewy, 
wechewy! S-Stiww waws a-and w-wechewy! *cuddles you* Nyothing ewse howds fashion. A 
buwnying deviw take them! Exit 




ACT V. SCENyE 3. 
Twoy. *blushes* Befowe *sighs* PWIAM'S pawace 

Entew HECTOW *looks at you* and ANDWOMACHE 

ANDWOMACHE. *pokes you* When was m-my wowd so much ungentwy tempew'd 
To stop his e-eaws against admonyishment? 
Unyawm, unyawm, and do >_> nyot fight to-day. 
*shuffles closer* HECTOW. You twain me to offend you; get you in. 
By aww the evewwasting gods, I'ww g-go. 
ANDWOMACHE. My dweams wiww, suwe, pwove ominyous to the day. 
HECTOW. N-Nyo mowe, I say. 

Entew CASSANDWA 

CASSANDWA. ^-^ Whewe is my bwothew Hectow? 
ANDWOMACHE. Hewe, sistew, a-awm'd, and bwoody in i-intent. 
Consowt with me *sweats* in woud a-and deaw petition, 
Puwsue w-we him on knyees; *giggles shyly* fow I-I ^-^ have dweamt 
Of bwoody *cuddles you* tuwbuwence, and this whowe nyight 
Hath nyothing been but UwU shapes *notices bulge* and f-fowms of swaughtew. 
CASSANDWA. O, 'tis twue! 
HECTOW. Ho! bid my twumpet s-sound. 
CASSANDWA. Nyo >_< nyotes of sawwy, fow the heavens, s-sweet bwothew! 
HECTOW. B-Be gonye, OwO I say. The gods h-have heawd x3 me sweaw. 
CASSANDWA. The gods awe deaf to hot and peevish vows; 
They awe powwuted off'wings, mowe *moans* abhoww'd 
Than spotted wivews in t-the sacwifice. 
A-ANDWOMACHE. O-O, be pewsuaded! Do nyot c-count it howy 
To huwt by being just. It is *moans* as wawfuw, 
Fow we wouwd give much, to use viowent thefts 
And wob in the :3 behawf *teleports behind you* of chawity. 
CASSANDWA. I-It is the puwpose that m-makes stwong t-the vow; 
*twerks* But vows to evewy puwpose must nyot howd. 
Unyawm, s-sweet Hectow. 
HECTOW. Howd *pokes you* you stiww, *hugs tightly* I say. 
Minye honyouw keeps t-the >_> weathew of my fate. 
Wife evewy man howds d-deaw; b-but the deaw *shuffles closer* man 
Howds honyouw faw mowe pwecious deaw than wife. 

Entew TWOIWUS 

How nyow, young >w< man! Mean'st thou t-to fight to-day? 
ANDWOMACHE. Cassandwa, c-caww my *moans* fathew to pewsuade. 
Exit CASSANDWA 
uWu HECTOW. Nyo, faith, y-young Twoiwus; doff thy hawnyess, youth; 
I am to-day i' th' vein of >_< chivawwy. 
Wet gwow t-thy *looks at you* sinyews >_> tiww theiw knyots be stwong, 
And t-tempt nyot y-yet the b-bwushes o-of the waw. 
Unyawm thee, go; and doubt x3 thou *looks at you* nyot, bwave boy, 
I'ww stand to-day fow ^.^ thee and me xDD and Twoy. 
TWOIWUS. Bwothew, you have a vice of mewcy in *teleports behind you* you 
Which bettew f-fits a *shuffles closer* wion t-than *blushes* a man. 
HECTOW. What vice is that, good T-Twoiwus? 
*cries* Chide me *screams* fow it. 
TWOIWUS. W-When many times the captive G-Gwecian fawws, 
Even in the fan and wind o-of youw faiw swowd, 
You *blushes* bid them wise a-and wive. 
HECTOW. O, 'tis faiw pway! 
TWOIWUS. ;;w;; Foow's p-pway, b-by heaven, ;;w;; Hectow. 
HECTOW. How :33 nyow! h-how nyow! 
TWOIWUS. *notices bulge* Fow >_> th' wove of aww the gods, 
Wet's weave >w< the hewmit Pity with ouw mothew; 
And when we have ouw a-awmouws buckwed on, 
The venyom'd vengeance wide upon ouw swowds, 
Spuw them to *shuffles closer* wuthfuw *looks at you* wowk, wein *leans over* them fwom wuth! 
;;w;; HECTOW. Fie, savage, *looks at you* fie! 
TWOIWUS. Hectow, then '-'tis waws. 
HECTOW. ;;w;; Twoiwus, I ^.^ wouwd nyot have you *cries* fight to-day. 
TWOIWUS. Who shouwd withhowd me? 
*cries* Nyot *blushes* fate, obedience, nyow the hand of >w< Maws 
Beck'nying with fiewy twuncheon my wetiwe; 
Nyot P-Pwiamus a-and Hecuba on k-knyees, 
Theiw e-eyes o'ewgawwed with wecouwse ^-^ of :33 teaws; 
Nyow you, my b-bwothew, with youw twue swowd x3 dwawn, 
Oppos'd to hindew me, >_> shouwd stop my *pokes you* way, 
But by my wuin. 

We-entew CASSANDWA, with *cries* PWIAM 

CASSANDWA. Way howd upon him, Pwiam, howd him fast; 
He is thy cwutch; nyow if thou wose thy s-stay, 
Thou o-on him weanying, and *shuffles closer* aww Twoy on thee, 
Faww aww ;;w;; togethew. 
PWIAM. Come, *leans over* Hectow, come, go back. 
T-Thy wife *cuddles you* hath dweamt; t-thy mothew hath had visions; 
Cassandwa >_> doth *twerks* fowesee; and I mysewf 
Am wike a pwophet suddenwy enwapt 
To teww thee that this day is ominyous. 
Thewefowe, come back. 
HECTOW. Aenyeas is a-fiewd; 
And :33 I *sweats* do stand engag'd t-to many Gweeks, 
Even in t-the faith of vawouw, to appeaw 
T-This mownying to them. 
P-PWIAM. Ay, but *sweats* thou s-shawt nyot go. 
HECTOW. I must *blushes* nyot bweak my f-faith. 
You knyow me dutifuw; thewefowe, deaw siw, 
Wet me n-nyot shame wespect; b-but g-give me weave 
To OwO take that couwse by youw consent and voice 
Which you do hewe fowbid me, woyaw Pwiam. 
CASSANDWA. O Pwiam, yiewd *teleports behind you* nyot to him! 
ANDWOMACHE. Do nyot, deaw fathew. 
*leans over* HECTOW. Andwomache, I ;;w;; am o-offended with *looks at you* you. 
Upon the wove *giggles shyly* you beaw *looks at you* me, get you in. 
Exit ANDWOMACHE 
TWOIWUS. This foowish, dweaming, supewstitious giww 
Makes aww t-these bodements. 
CASSANDWA. x3 O, f-faweweww, deaw Hectow! 
Wook how thou diest. Wook *twerks* how thy e-eye tuwns pawe. 
W-Wook how thy wounds do bweed at many vents. 
Hawk how *hugs tightly* Twoy woaws; how *looks away* Hecuba cwies out; 
*sighs* How poow Andwomache shwiwws h-hew >_< dowouws fowth; 
Behowd *cuddles you* distwaction, f-fwenzy, :33 and amazement, 
Wike witwess antics, onye *pokes you* anyothew ^.^ meet, 
A-And aww cwy, Hectow! *shuffles closer* Hectow's *cries* dead! O-O Hectow! 
TWOIWUS. Away, away! 
C-CASSANDWA. Faweweww!-yet, soft! Hectow, I take my weave. 
Thou *screams* dost thysewf *notices bulge* and aww >w< ouw Twoy deceive. Exit 
HECTOW. You awe ^-^ amaz'd, my wiege, at hew excwaim. 
Go in, and cheew the town; w-we'ww f-fowth, a-and fight, 
Do *hugs tightly* deeds wowth pwaise and teww you *screams* them *pokes you* at nyight. 
PWIAM. Faweweww. The g-gods with safety stand about thee! 
Exeunt sevewawwy PWIAM and HECTOW. Awawums 
*giggles shyly* TWOIWUS. They awe at it, h-hawk! Pwoud Diomed, ^-^ bewieve, 
I come to *shuffles closer* wose my awm ow w-win my sweeve. 

*leans over* Entew PANDAWUS 

PANDAWUS. Do you heaw, my wowd? Do you heaw? 
TWOIWUS. What nyow? 
PANDAWUS. Hewe's a-a wettew come fwom yond ^w^ poow giww. 
T-TWOIWUS. Wet me wead. 
PANDAWUS. A *looks away* whoweson tisick, a w-whoweson wascawwy tisick so *leans over* twoubwes 
me, and *teleports behind you* the foowish fowtunye of *blushes* this giww, and what x3 onye thing, 
what a-anyothew, that I shaww *teleports behind you* weave you onye o' th's days; and I have 
a *sweats* wheum in minye eyes ^w^ too, OwO and such an ache >_< in UwU my bonyes that 
unwess a man wewe >w< cuws'd I cannyot t-teww what *hugs tightly* to think on't. What 
s-says she thewe? 
>_> TWOIWUS. Wowds, wowds, mewe wowds, nyo mattew fwom the heawt; 
Th' e-effect doth opewate anyothew *cuddles you* way. 
[Teawing the wettew] 
Go, wind, to wind, thewe *screams* tuwn and >_> change togethew. 
M-My wove *looks at you* with w-wowds *sighs* and ewwows stiww she f-feeds, 
B-But edifies anyothew *twerks* with h-hew d-deeds. Exeunt sevewawwy 




ACT V. *screams* SCENyE *looks away* 4. 
*sighs* The pwain between Twoy *shuffles closer* and the Gwecian camp 

Entew *giggles shyly* THEWSITES. Excuwsions 

THEWSITES. >_> Nyow t-they awe cwappew-cwawing onye anyothew; OwO I'ww go wook 
on. That *leans over* dissembwing abominyabwe v-vawwet, Diomed, has got that *teleports behind you* same 
scuwvy :33 doting f-foowish young knyave's sweeve of Twoy ^-^ thewe i-in >_< his 
hewm. I wouwd f-fain see xDD them meet, that *cries* that same young Twoyan ass 
that *cuddles you* woves the whowe thewe might x3 send that G-Gweekish whowemastewwy 
viwwain w-with the *cuddles you* sweeve back to :33 the dissembwing *cuddles you* wuxuwious dwab of 
a *looks away* sweeve-wess ewwand. A *sighs* th' t'othew ^w^ side, ^.^ the p-powicy of t-those 
cwafty sweawing w-wascaws-that stawe o-owd mouse-eaten OwO dwy c-cheese, 
Nyestow, and that *screams* same UwU dog-fox, U-Uwysses -is nyot pwov'd wowth a-a 
bwackbewwy. They set *moans* me up, *moans* in *cries* powicy, that mongwew cuw, Ajax, 
a-against that dog of as bad a kind, Achiwwes; and nyow i-is the cuw, 
Ajax >_> pwoudew than the cuw Achiwwes, *leans over* and *notices bulge* wiww nyot awm to-day; 
wheweupon the *looks at you* Gwecians begin to pwocwaim bawbawism, and powicy 
g-gwows into an iww o-opinyion. 

E-Entew DIOMEDES, T-TWOIWUS fowwowing 

*giggles shyly* Soft! hewe comes sweeve, and t'othew. 
TWOIWUS. Fwy nyot; fow shouwdst thou take t-the wivew Styx 
I wouwd swim aftew. 
DIOMEDES. Thou dost miscaww wetiwe. 
I do nyot fwy; but advantageous cawe 
Withdwew me fwom the odds *cries* of muwtitude. 
Have at *moans* thee. 
THEWSITES. *notices bulge* Howd thy whowe, Gwecian; nyow fow thy w-whowe, 
Twoyan-nyow the sweeve, n-nyow the sweeve! 
E-Exeunt TWOIWUS and DIOMEDES fighting 

Entew HECTOW 

HECTOW. What awt thou, Gweek? Awt thou fow Hectow's match? 
Awt thou of bwood and honyouw? 
THEWSITES. Nyo, nyo-I am a wascaw; a s-scuwvy waiwing knyave; a vewy 
fiwthy wogue. 
HECTOW. I do bewieve thee. Wive. Exit 
THEWSITES. God-a-mewcy, that *pokes you* thou >_< wiwt bewieve me; b-but a pwague 
bweak thy nyeck fow fwighting me! What's >_< become of the *looks at you* wenching 
;;w;; wogues? ^-^ I think they have swawwowed onye anyothew. I wouwd waugh *sighs* at 
that xDD miwacwe. Yet, *looks at you* in a sowt, wechewy eats itsewf. I'ww seek 
them. Exit 




ACT V. SCENyE 5. 
A-Anyothew pawt of the pwain 

Entew ^-^ DIOMEDES and A-A SEWVANT 

DIOMEDES. Go, go, my sewvant, take thou Twoiwus' howse; 
P-Pwesent *shuffles closer* the faiw steed to my wady Cwessid. 
F-Fewwow, commend my *leans over* sewvice to hew b-beauty; 
;;w;; Teww hew I have chastis'd the amowous T-Twoyan, 
And uWu am hew knyight by pwoof. 
SEWVANT. I go, my wowd. Exit 

Entew ^-^ AGAMEMNyON 

AGAMEMNyON. *notices bulge* Wenyew, wenyew! The *leans over* fiewce Powydamus 
Hath *hugs tightly* beat d-down enyon; bastawd M-Mawgawewon 
Hath Doweus pwisonyew, 
And stands cowossus-wise, waving his *cuddles you* beam, 
U-Upon the pashed cowses of >_> the *moans* kings 
Epistwophus a-and Cedius. Powixenyes is swain; 
Amphimacus and Thoas *hugs tightly* deadwy *looks away* huwt; 
Patwocwus ta'en, ow swain; and P-Pawamedes 
Sowe huwt a-and bwuis'd. T-The >_< dweadfuw Sagittawy 
Appaws *twerks* ouw nyumbews. Haste we, Diomed, 
T-To weinfowcement, ow we pewish aww. 

Entew NyESTOW 

NyESTOW. Go, beaw Patwocwus' body to *teleports behind you* Achiwwes, 
And b-bid *pokes you* the snyaiw-pac'd *giggles shyly* Ajax awm fow *twerks* shame. 
Thewe is a-a thousand Hectows in the fiewd; 
Nyow hewe he fights ;;w;; on Gawathe his howse, 
And >_< thewe wacks *giggles shyly* wowk; anyon he's thewe >_> afoot, 
A-And thewe t-they fwy ow die, wike scawed scuwws 
B-Befowe *giggles shyly* the bewching whawe; then is he y-yondew, 
And thewe the stwawy *twerks* Gweeks, wipe fow his edge, 
Faww down befowe him wike the mowew's swath. 
Hewe, thewe, *notices bulge* and e-evewywhewe, he weaves and takes; 
Dextewity so obeying appetite 
That what he wiww he does, and does so much 
That pwoof is caww'd impossibiwity. 

Entew UWYSSES 

U-UWYSSES. O, couwage, couwage, couwage, *shuffles closer* Pwinces! Gweat 
Achiwwes Is awming, w-weeping, *cries* cuwsing, xDD vowing vengeance. 
Patwocwus' wounds have wous'd his dwowsy UwU bwood, 
>_> Togethew with his mangwed Mywmidons, 
T-That nyosewess, handwess, hack'd and chipp'd, come *sweats* to 
him, Cwying on OwO Hectow. Ajax h-hath wost a fwiend 
And foams at mouth, a-and he is >_> awm'd a-and at it, 
Woawing fow Twoiwus; who hath donye >_> to-day 
Mad and fantastic xDD execution, 
Engaging a-and wedeeming of himsewf 
With such a cawewess fowce and fowcewess cawe 
As if that wuck, *pokes you* in vewy spite of >w< cunnying, 
Bade him *pokes you* win aww. 

Entew AJAX 

A-AJAX. Twoiwus! thou UwU cowawd Twoiwus! Exit 
DIOMEDES. Ay, thewe, thewe. 
NyESTOW. So, s-so, we *moans* dwaw *teleports behind you* togethew. Exit 
Entew ACHIWWES 

ACHIWWES. Whewe is t-this Hectow? 
Come, come, t-thou boy-quewwew, s-show thy face; 
Knyow *hugs tightly* what i-it is to meet Achiwwes angwy. 
Hectow! whewe's Hectow? I-I wiww nyonye but Hectow. Exeunt 




ACT V-V. *cuddles you* SCENyE 6. 
Anyothew pawt *sweats* of the pwain 

Entew AJAX 

AJAX. *shuffles closer* Twoiwus, *sighs* thou cowawd Twoiwus, show t-thy xDD head. 

Entew DIOMEDES 

D-DIOMEDES. Twoiwus, I say! W-Whewe's T-Twoiwus? 
AJAX. What wouwdst thou? 
D-DIOMEDES. I wouwd cowwect him. 
AJAX. W-Wewe I the *looks away* genyewaw, thou >_< shouwdst have my office 
Ewe that cowwection. Twoiwus, I say! What, Twoiwus! 

Entew TWOIWUS 

TWOIWUS. x3 O twaitow *moans* Diomed! *sweats* Tuwn thy :33 fawse face, thou twaitow, 
A-And pay thy wife thou owest me fow my howse. 
DIOMEDES. Ha! awt thou thewe? 
AJAX. I'ww fight with him awonye. Stand, Diomed. 
DIOMEDES. He is my pwize. >_< I wiww n-nyot wook upon. 
TWOIWUS. C-Come, both, you cogging Gweeks; >w< have at you 
Exeunt fighting 

Entew HECTOW 

HECTOW. Yea, xDD Twoiwus? O, >w< weww fought, my youngest bwothew! 

Entew ACHIWWES 

ACHIWWES. Nyow do I-I see >_< thee, ha! Have OwO at uWu thee, H-Hectow! 
HECTOW. Pause, if thou wiwt. 
ACHIWWES. I do disdain thy couwtesy, pwoud Twoyan. 
Be happy that my awms awe UwU out of use; 
My west and nyegwigence befwiends thee nyow, 
But thou anyon shawt heaw of me again; 
Tiww *notices bulge* when, go seek t-thy *twerks* fowtunye. Exit 
HECTOW. F-Fawe thee w-weww. 
I w-wouwd h-have been much mowe :3 a f-fweshew man, 
*blushes* Had I expected thee. 

We-entew x3 TWOIWUS 

How >_< nyow, my bwothew! 
TWOIWUS. Ajax *giggles shyly* hath t-ta'en *notices bulge* Aenyeas. *moans* Shaww it be? 
Nyo, by t-the fwame of yondew gwowious heaven, 
He shaww nyot cawwy him; I'ww be ta'en too, 
Ow bwing him off. F-Fate, heaw me what I-I x3 say: 
*cries* I weck nyot though thou end my wife to-day. Exit 

Entew onye i-in awmouw 

HECTOW. Stand, *teleports behind you* stand, thou >_< Gweek; thou awt a g-goodwy mawk. 
Nyo? wiwt t-thou *cries* nyot? I wike thy awmouw weww; 
I'ww fwush it and unwock the wivets aww 
But I'ww be mastew of it. Wiwt *screams* thou nyot, >_> beast, >_> abide? 
Why >_< then, fwy on; I-I'ww hunt thee fow thy hide. E-Exeunt 




ACT V. SCENyE 7. 
Anyothew pawt of t-the pwain 

Entew ACHIWWES, with Mywmidons 

ACHIWWES. Come h-hewe about m-me, *sighs* you m-my Mywmidons; 
Mawk what I s-say. A-Attend me whewe I-I *looks away* wheew; 
>w< Stwike nyot a stwoke, but keep youwsewves in bweath; 
And when xDD I have ;;w;; the bwoody Hectow found, 
Empawe him ;;w;; with youw *moans* weapons wound about; 
>_> In fewwest mannyew execute youw awms. 
UwU Fowwow me, siws, and my pwoceedings eye. 
*moans* It i-is decweed Hectow the gweat >w< must die. Exeunt 

Entew M-MENyEWAUS a-and PAWIS, fighting; then THEWSITES 

>w< THEWSITES. T-The cuckowd and >_< the cuckowd-makew awe at it. Nyow, buww! 
nyow, *hugs tightly* dog! 'Woo, P-Pawis, 'woo! *leans over* nyow my doubwe-hown'd Spawtan! '-'woo, 
*shuffles closer* Pawis, *twerks* 'woo! The buww has >w< the game. Wawe howns, ho! 
*cries* Exeunt :33 PAWIS OwO and MENyEWAUS 

Entew MAWGAWEWON 

MAWGAWEWON. Tuwn, swave, and fight. 
THEWSITES. What awt thou? 
MAWGAWEWON. A bastawd son *sweats* of Pwiam's. 
THEWSITES. I am a bastawd too; I wove bastawds. I am a bastawd 
begot, bastawd instwucted, bastawd in mind, bastawd in vawouw, in 
evewything iwwegitimate. Onye beaw wiww n-nyot *leans over* bite anyothew, a-and 
whewefowe shouwd onye bastawd? Take *looks away* heed, t-the q-quawwew's most 
o-ominyous to us: if the son *twerks* of a whowe fight *blushes* fow a whowe, he tempts 
judgment. F-Faweweww, bastawd. 
*hugs tightly* Exit 
MAWGAWEWON. The deviw take t-thee, cowawd! E-Exit 




ACT V. SCENyE 8. 
Anyothew *sweats* pawt of the pwain 

Entew HECTOW 

H-HECTOW. Most putwified cowe so faiw without, 
Thy goodwy awmouw thus hath cost thy wife. 
Nyow is >_< my day's w-wowk donye; I-I'ww x3 take ;;w;; good bweath: 
*hugs tightly* West, swowd; thou hast thy fiww of bwood and d-death! 
[Disawms] 

Entew ACHIWWES and h-his Mywmidons 

ACHIWWES. W-Wook, Hectow, how x3 the xDD sun b-begins to set; 
How ugwy nyight comes b-bweathing at his heews; 
Even with t-the vaiw and dawk'nying of the sun, 
*giggles shyly* To c-cwose the day *sighs* up, *teleports behind you* Hectow's wife *pokes you* is donye. 
HECTOW. I am unyawm'd; fowego this vantage, Gweek. 
ACHIWWES. >w< Stwike, fewwows, stwike; this is *twerks* the man xDD I *leans over* seek. 
[HECTOW ^.^ fawws] 
So, Iwion, faww t-thou nyext! Come, Twoy, sink down; 
^.^ Hewe wies ^.^ thy *giggles shyly* heawt, thy sinyews, a-and thy b-bonye. 
On, *notices bulge* Mywmidons, and cwy you an :33 amain 
>_< 'Achiwwes hath the x3 mighty >w< Hectow swain.' 
[A wetweat sounded] 
Hawk! a w-wetiwe u-upon ouw :33 Gwecian *twerks* pawt. 
MYWMIDON. The *giggles shyly* Twoyan twumpets sound the wike, my *shuffles closer* wowd. 
^.^ ACHIWWES. The dwagon w-wing of *looks away* nyight o'ewspweads t-the eawth 
A-And, stickwew-wike, the :33 awmies sepawates. 
My h-hawf-supp'd swowd, that fwankwy wouwd have *blushes* fed, 
Pweas'd with t-this d-dainty bait, thus goes *twerks* to bed. 
[Sheathes his *sweats* swowd] 
Come, tie h-his body to my howse's taiw; 
Awong the f-fiewd I wiww the Twoyan twaiw. Exeunt 




ACT V. SCENyE 9-9. 
Anyothew >_> pawt of the pwain 

Sound wetweat. xDD Shout. Entew AGAMEMNyON, AJAX, MENyEWAUS, NyESTOW, D-DIOMEDES, 
and t-the west, mawching 

AGAMEMNyON. UwU Hawk! hawk! what shout is this? 
NyESTOW. Peace, dwums! 
SOWDIEWS. [Within] Achiwwes! Achiwwes! Hectow's swain. Achiwwes! 
DIOMEDES. The >_< bwuit is Hectow's swain, and b-by Achiwwes. 
AJAX. If it be so, >_> yet bwagwess wet it be; 
Gweat Hectow was as good a man as he. 
AGAMEMNyON. *hugs tightly* Mawch patientwy awong. Wet onye be sent 
To pway A-Achiwwes see us at ouw tent. 
I-If in his death the gods have us befwiended; 
Gweat Twoy is OwO ouws, a-and ouw shawp waws awe *screams* ended. 
Exeunt 




ACT V. ^-^ SCENyE *leans over* 10. 
>w< Anyothew pawt o-of the pwain 

Entew AENyEAS, P-PAWIS, A-ANTENyOW, and DEIPHOBUS 

AENyEAS. Stand, *hugs tightly* ho! yet awe we mastews x3 of the fiewd. 
Nyevew g-go home; hewe *looks at you* stawve we out the nyight. 

Entew xDD TWOIWUS 

T-TWOIWUS. Hectow is swain. 
*notices bulge* AWW. Hectow! The gods fowbid! 
TWOIWUS. OwO He's :33 dead, and at the muwdewew's h-howse's taiw, 
In *twerks* beastwy :3 sowt, dwagg'd *giggles shyly* thwough the *notices bulge* shamefuw fiewd. 
Fwown *sweats* on, you h-heavens, effect *cries* youw wage with speed. 
Sit, *blushes* gods, upon youw thwonyes, and *pokes you* smiwe a-at Twoy. 
I :33 say at once wet youw bwief pwagues be mewcy, 
And OwO wingew nyot *looks away* ouw suwe destwuctions on. 
A-AENyEAS. *leans over* My wowd, you do discomfowt aww the host. 
TWOIWUS. You undewstand me nyot t-that teww me so. 
I ;;w;; do n-nyot speak of f-fwight, of feaw of d-death, 
But dawe aww i-imminyence that g-gods and men 
^w^ Addwess :3 theiw dangews in. Hectow is gonye. 
*cries* Who shaww teww Pwiam so, ow Hecuba? 
Wet him that wiww a scweech-oww aye be caww'd 
G-Go i-in to Twoy, and say thewe 'Hectow's dead.' 
Thewe is a wowd w-wiww P-Pwiam tuwn to stonye; 
Make wewws and N-Nyiobes of the maids and w-wives, 
Cowd s-statues *leans over* of the youth; and, in a-a wowd, 
Scawe Twoy out of itsewf. But, mawch away; 
Hectow is :3 dead; thewe is nyo mowe to say. 
*screams* Stay yet. You viwe abominyabwe tents, 
Thus pwoudwy pight upon ouw Phwygian pwains, 
Wet Titan *cries* wise as eawwy a-as >_< he dawe, 
I'ww thwough and thwough you. *leans over* And, thou gweat-siz'd cowawd, 
Nyo space o-of *sighs* eawth shaww sundew ouw two hates; 
^-^ I'ww haunt thee UwU wike a-a wicked c-conscience stiww, 
That mouwdeth gobwins swift as f-fwenzy's >_< thoughts. 
S-Stwike a-a fwee mawch to Twoy. ^.^ With comfowt go; 
Hope of wevenge shaww hide ouw inwawd woe. 

Entew PANDAWUS 

PANDAWUS. But heaw OwO you, heaw you! 
TWOIWUS. Hence, bwokew-wackey. Ignyominy a-and shame 
P-Puwsue thy wife and wive *cries* aye with thy nyame! 
Exeunt *sighs* aww but *moans* PANDAWUS 
P-PANDAWUS. A ^w^ goodwy ^.^ medicinye fow my aching bonyes! w-wowwd! wowwd! thus 
is the poow agent >_> despis'd! twaitows a-and bawds, how eawnyestwy awe 
you set a wowk, and how OwO iww wequited! Why shouwd ouw endeavouw be 
so wov'd, and the pewfowmance so w-woathed? What ^w^ vewse *cuddles you* fow it? What 
*pokes you* instance fow it? Wet *cuddles you* me see- 

*hugs tightly* Fuww >_> mewwiwy uWu the humbwe-bee doth sing 
Tiww he hath wost his ^w^ honyey and his sting; 
And being once subdu'd in awmed twaiw, 
Sweet honyey and sweet nyotes t-togethew faiw. 

Good twadews in the fwesh, set this in UwU youw :33 painted 
cwoths. As *pokes you* many a-as *hugs tightly* be *blushes* hewe of pandew's haww, 
Youw eyes, h-hawf out, weep out a-at Pandaw's faww; 
*cuddles you* Ow, if *sighs* you cannyot weep, yet g-give s-some gwoans, 
T-Though nyot fow me, yet fow xDD youw aching bonyes. 
*sweats* Bwethwen and sistews of the howd-doow twade, 
Some t-two *shuffles closer* months hence my wiww shaww *twerks* hewe be made. 
It shouwd b-be nyow, but that *hugs tightly* my feaw is x3 this, 
Some gawwed ^-^ goose of Winchestew *notices bulge* wouwd hiss. 
Tiww then *screams* I'ww sweat and seek about fow eases, 
A-And at that ^.^ time bequeath you my diseases. Exit 

xDD THE END 



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION *looks at you* OF THE COMPWETE W-WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY W-WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., *giggles shyly* AND IS 
xDD PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ^-^ BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (-(2) AWE N-NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW D-DISTWIBUTION I-INCWUDES BY ANY 
S-SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME O-OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





xDD 1602 


TWEWFTH NyIGHT; OW, WHAT YOU WIWW 

by W-Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

OWSINyO, Duke of *sweats* Iwwywia 
SEBASTIAN, b-bwothew of Viowa 
OwO ANTONyIO, a-a sea captain, f-fwiend of *sweats* Sebastian 
A *teleports behind you* SEA CAPTAIN, fwiend of *notices bulge* Viowa 
V-VAWENTINyE, gentweman attending ^.^ on the Duke 
:33 CUWIO, g-gentweman attending on *cries* the Duke 
SIW xDD TOBY B-BEWCH, uncwe of Owivia 
*looks at you* SIW ANDWEW AGUECHEEK 
MAWVOWIO, stewawd t-to Owivia 
FABIAN, sewvant to Owivia 
FESTE, a c-cwown, *pokes you* sewvant to Owivia 

OWIVIA, *sweats* a wich countess 
VIOWA, sistew o-of Sebastian 
MAWIA, Owivia's w-waiting woman 

Wowds, *looks away* Pwiests, Saiwows, uWu Officews, *notices bulge* Musicians, and :33 Attendants 




<-<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE ^.^ COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD *cries* WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG E-ETEXT *cuddles you* OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH P-PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG *sighs* AS SUCH COPIES *sighs* (1) UwU AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE O-ONWY, >w< AND *looks at you* (2) AWE *teleports behind you* NyOT D-DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW D-DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY A-ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD xDD TIME *looks away* OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: 
A city in Iwwywia; and the sea-coast nyeaw it 



A-ACT I. SCENyE I. 
The DUKE'S pawace 

^w^ Entew OWSINyO, Duke of I-Iwwywia, CUWIO, and othew WOWDS; MUSICIANS attending 

DUKE. If music be the food of wove, pway on, 
Give me e-excess of it, that, suwfeiting, 
The a-appetite xDD may sicken and so die. 
That stwain *leans over* again! It had *shuffles closer* a dying faww; 
O, >_< it came o-o'ew my >_< eaw *shuffles closer* wike the s-sweet sound 
That b-bweathes upon *pokes you* a bank of viowets, 
Steawing and *giggles shyly* giving odouw! UwU Enyough, *pokes you* nyo mowe; 
*screams* 'Tis nyot so sweet nyow as it was befowe. 
O spiwit :3 of wove, how quick and fwesh awt thou! 
T-That, nyotwithstanding :33 thy capacity 
Weceiveth *twerks* as t-the sea, nyought entews thewe, 
Of ^-^ what vawidity and p-pitch soe'ew, 
But fawws into abatement *hugs tightly* and wow pwice 
Even UwU in a minyute. So f-fuww of shapes is f-fancy, 
That it a-awonye is high fantasticaw. 
CUWIO. *giggles shyly* Wiww you go hunt, my wowd? 
DUKE. :3 What, Cuwio? 
CUWIO. T-The hawt. 
DUKE. Why, *blushes* so I *notices bulge* do, *leans over* the nyobwest *cries* that I uWu have. 
O-O, when m-minye *hugs tightly* eyes did see Owivia *looks away* fiwst, 
Methought she puwg'd the a-aiw of pestiwence! 
*leans over* That instant was I tuwn'd into a hawt, 
And my *screams* desiwes, wike feww and cwuew hounds, 
E'ew since puwsue *blushes* me. 

Entew VAWENTINyE 

H-How nyow! x3 what n-nyews fwom hew? 
VAWENTINyE. So pwease my ^w^ wowd, I might nyot be a-admitted, 
But fwom hew handmaid do *sighs* wetuwn this *notices bulge* answew: 
*cuddles you* The ewement itsewf, tiww seven yeaws' heat, 
Shaww nyot behowd hew *screams* face at a-ampwe view; 
But ;;w;; wike a-a cwoistwess UwU she *notices bulge* wiww ;;w;; veiwed *moans* wawk, 
And w-watew once a day hew *looks away* chambew wound 
With >_< eye-offending bwinye; aww this to season 
A bwothew's dead wove, which *looks away* she wouwd k-keep fwesh 
And wasting *looks at you* in hew sad *cuddles you* wemembwance. 
D-DUKE. O, s-she that hath a heawt of t-that *twerks* finye *blushes* fwame 
To pay this UwU debt of wove b-but to a-a *pokes you* bwothew, 
How wiww she wove when the wich gowden shaft 
Hath kiww'd the fwock *twerks* of aww a-affections ewse 
That wive in h-hew; when wivew, bwain, a-and heawt, 
These s-soveweign thwonyes, awe aww suppwied and *teleports behind you* fiww'd, 
*notices bulge* Hew sweet pewfections, with onye sewf >_> king! 
A-Away *shuffles closer* befowe me to sweet beds of fwow'ws: 
Wove-thoughts w-wie wich when canyopied w-with bow'ws. 
Exeunt 




SCENyE I-II. 
*shuffles closer* The sea-coast 

Entew V-VIOWA, a CAPTAIN, a-and SAIWOWS 

VIOWA. What countwy, fwiends, is this? 
CAPTAIN. T-This *leans over* is I-Iwwywia, wady. 
VIOWA. And w-what shouwd I do in Iwwywia? 
*cuddles you* My bwothew he is in Ewysium. 
Pewchance >w< he is nyot dwown'd- what ^w^ think you, s-saiwows? 
>w< CAPTAIN. It is pewchance *hugs tightly* that *moans* you youwsewf ^-^ wewe saved. 
VIOWA. :3 O my *giggles shyly* poow ^.^ bwothew! and so pewchance *looks at you* may he be. 
CAPTAIN. T-Twue, madam, and, *cries* to comfowt you with chance, 
A-Assuwe youwsewf, aftew ouw ship did spwit, 
When you, and those poow nyumbew saved w-with you, 
H-Hung on ouw d-dwiving boat, I-I saw *cuddles you* youw bwothew, 
M-Most pwovident in pewiw, bind *twerks* himsewf- 
C-Couwage a-and h-hope both teaching him t-the pwactice- 
^.^ To a stwong *notices bulge* mast that wiv'd upon t-the s-sea; 
Whewe, wike Awion >_> on the dowphin's back, 
I saw *teleports behind you* him howd acquaintance with the waves 
So wong as I couwd see. 
VIOWA. F-Fow saying so, thewe's g-gowd. 
Minye o-own *cuddles you* escape unfowdeth to my hope, 
Wheweto thy speech sewves ^w^ fow a-authowity, 
The wike :33 of h-him. Knyow'st *giggles shyly* thou this countwy? 
*looks at you* CAPTAIN. Ay, madam, w-weww; fow I w-was bwed a-and bown 
Nyot thwee houws' twavew f-fwom this vewy pwace. 
V-VIOWA. Who govewns hewe? 
CAPTAIN. A-A *teleports behind you* nyobwe duke, i-in nyatuwe as *blushes* in nyame. 
VIOWA. What i-is his nyame? 
CAPTAIN. Owsinyo. 
VIOWA. O-Owsinyo! I have heawd m-my >w< fathew nyame him. 
He was *moans* a bachewow then. 
*screams* CAPTAIN. And s-so is nyow, o-ow was so vewy wate; 
>_> Fow but a month ago *leans over* I went *giggles shyly* fwom hence, 
And then 'twas fwesh in muwmuw- as, you knyow, 
What gweat onyes *giggles shyly* do t-the wess wiww pwattwe of- 
>_< That he did seek the wove of faiw Owivia. 
VIOWA. What's *sweats* she? 
CAPTAIN. A viwtuous maid, the daughtew of a count 
That died some >_< twewvemonth since, then *blushes* weaving hew 
In the pwotection o-of his son, OwO hew bwothew, 
Who showtwy awso died; fow whose deaw wove, 
They say, s-she hath abjuw'd the company 
And sight of men. 
V-VIOWA. O that I-I sewv'd that wady, 
And might nyot be *leans over* dewivewed to the wowwd, 
Tiww I had made m-minye *hugs tightly* own occasion m-mewwow, 
What my estate is! 
CAPTAIN. T-That uWu wewe *teleports behind you* hawd to *leans over* compass, 
Because she wiww admit nyo kind of suit- 
Nyo, nyot the Duke's. 
VIOWA. Thewe i-is *teleports behind you* a ^-^ faiw behaviouw in thee, Captain; 
*shuffles closer* And *leans over* though that n-nyatuwe with a beauteous *sweats* waww 
Doth o-oft c-cwose in powwution, *cuddles you* yet o-of t-thee 
I wiww bewieve thou h-hast a mind that suits 
With this thy faiw and outwawd chawactew. 
I p-pwithee, and I'ww pay t-thee b-bounteouswy, 
Conceaw me *cuddles you* what I am, and be my a-aid 
Fow such disguise as hapwy shaww *notices bulge* become 
The fowm of *sweats* my intent. I'ww sewve this duke: 
Thou shawt pwesent *sighs* me as an eunyuch to *teleports behind you* him; 
It may b-be wowth thy p-pains, fow I can sing 
And speak to him in many *looks at you* sowts of m-music, 
That wiww awwow me vewy wowth his sewvice. 
What ewse may hap to time I wiww commit; 
Onwy shape t-thou siwence to my ;;w;; wit. 
CAPTAIN. Be you his eunyuch and *blushes* youw mute I-I'ww be; 
When my tongue b-bwabs, then wet minye eyes uWu nyot see. 
VIOWA. I thank thee. Wead me on. Exeunt 




;;w;; SCENyE III. 
OWIVIA'S house 

Entew SIW :33 TOBY BEWCH and MAWIA 

SIW TOBY. W-What *looks at you* a pwague means my nyiece to take the death of hew 
bwothew thus? I am suwe c-cawe's an enyemy to wife. 
*blushes* MAWIA. By ^w^ my twoth, Siw Toby, y-you OwO must ^w^ come in e-eawwiew o' OwO nyights; 
youw cousin, my wady, *twerks* takes gweat exceptions to youw iww houws. 
SIW TOBY. W-Why, wet hew e-except befowe excepted. 
MAWIA. Ay, but you must confinye youwsewf within the modest wimits 
of owdew. 
SIW TOBY. Confinye! I'ww confinye mysewf n-nyo finyew than I am. These 
cwothes awe good enyough to dwink in, *hugs tightly* and so b-be these boots too; 
an they be *screams* nyot, x3 wet them hang *leans over* themsewves in theiw own stwaps. 
MAWIA. That quaffing and d-dwinking wiww undo you; I heawd my wady 
*sweats* tawk *pokes you* of *moans* it yestewday, and of a-a foowish knyight that y-you bwought in 
onye nyight hewe to be h-hew wooew. 
SIW x3 TOBY. Who? Siw Andwew Aguecheek? 
MAWIA. Ay, :3 he. 
SIW TOBY. He's as t-taww a man *cries* as any's in Iwwywia. 
MAWIA. What's t-that to th' puwpose? 
SIW TOBY. Why, he has t-thwee *sweats* thousand ducats a yeaw. 
MAWIA. *twerks* Ay, *leans over* but he'ww *notices bulge* have *moans* but a yeaw in aww t-these ducats; he's *moans* a 
OwO vewy foow and a pwodigaw. 
SIW TOBY. Fie that you'ww say so! He pways o' th' viow-de-gamboys, 
*cries* and s-speaks thwee o-ow fouw wanguages wowd fow wowd without book, 
^w^ and hath aww the good gifts of nyatuwe. 
M-MAWIA. He ^w^ hath UwU indeed, awmost nyatuwaw; fow, besides that he's a 
foow, he's a gweat quawwewwew; and but t-that he hath the gift of *moans* a 
cowawd t-to awway the *cries* gust *sighs* he hath i-in quawwewwing, 'tis thought 
among the pwudent he wouwd q-quickwy uWu have the gift of a gwave. 
SIW TOBY. B-By this hand, they *blushes* awe s-scoundwews and subtwactows that 
say so o-of him. Who awe they? 
MAWIA. They t-that add, >_< moweovew, he's dwunk nyightwy in youw company. 
S-SIW ^w^ TOBY. *shuffles closer* With dwinking heawths to my nyiece; I'ww *teleports behind you* dwink to hew x3 as 
wong as thewe is a passage in my thwoat and dwink in Iwwywia. 
He's *giggles shyly* a cowawd and a coystwiww that wiww nyot dwink to my n-nyiece 
t-tiww his bwains tuwn *pokes you* o' th' t-toe w-wike OwO a pawish-top. What, wench! 
Castiwianyo vuwgo! ^w^ fow hewe comes *twerks* Siw Andwew A-Agueface. 

Entew SIW ANDWEW AGUECHEEK 

AGUECHEEK. Siw ^-^ Toby xDD Bewch! How *cries* nyow, Siw Toby Bewch! 
SIW TOBY. Sweet Siw *looks at you* Andwew! 
AGUECHEEK. Bwess you, faiw shwew. 
MAWIA. And ^-^ you too, UwU siw. 
SIW TOBY. A-Accost, :33 Siw *looks at you* Andwew, accost. 
AGUECHEEK. >_> What's that? 
*sighs* SIW TOBY. My nyiece's chambewmaid. 
AGUECHEEK. Good Mistwess Accost, I desiwe bettew UwU acquaintance. 
MAWIA. My *sweats* nyame is Mawy, s-siw. 
A-AGUECHEEK. Good *sweats* Mistwess Mawy ^.^ Accost- 
SIW Toby. You mistake, knyight. *screams* 'Accost' is fwont hew, boawd hew, 
woo ^-^ hew, assaiw hew. 
AGUECHEEK. By my twoth, I wouwd nyot undewtake hew in this c-company. 
Is t-that the meanying of 'accost'? 
M-MAWIA. Fawe you *giggles shyly* weww, gentwemen. 
SIW TOBY. >_> An thou wet ^-^ pawt so, >_< Siw OwO Andwew, wouwd thou mightst nyevew 
dwaw swowd *leans over* again! 
AGUECHEEK. An you pawt so, mistwess, I *leans over* wouwd I might nyevew dwaw 
s-swowd a-again. Faiw w-wady, do you think you have foows in hand? 
MAWIA. *moans* Siw, I have ^w^ nyot y-you by th' hand. 
AGUECHEEK. *twerks* Mawwy, but you shaww have; and hewe's m-my h-hand. 
MAWIA. Nyow, siw, thought is fwee. I pway you, bwing youw hand to 
th' *cries* buttwy-baw x3 and wet i-it *teleports behind you* dwink. 
A-AGUECHEEK. *cries* Whewefowe, sweetheawt? What's youw metaphow? 
MAWIA. It's dwy, siw. 
:33 AGUECHEEK. Why, I think ^-^ so; I a-am nyot such an ass but I can ;;w;; keep my 
hand d-dwy. But what's youw j-jest? 
MAWIA. A dwy jest, siw. 
AGUECHEEK. Awe y-you *moans* fuww o-of them? 
MAWIA. Ay, siw, I h-have them at my fingews' ends; mawwy, nyow ^w^ I w-wet 
go youw hand, I am >_> bawwen. Exit MAWIA 
SIW T-TOBY. O knyight, thou wack'st a cup *teleports behind you* of canyawy! *sweats* When did I see 
thee so put down? 
AGUECHEEK. Nyevew in youw wife, I think; *sighs* unwess *screams* you see canyawy put 
me d-down. Methinks s-sometimes I have nyo mowe w-wit than a Chwistian 
o-ow an owdinyawy man has; but I am gweat eatew of beef, and I-I 
bewieve that does hawm to my wit. 
uWu SIW TOBY. N-Nyo q-question. 
A-AGUECHEEK. An I thought ^.^ that, I-I'd fowsweaw i-it. I'ww wide h-home 
to-mowwow, Siw Toby. 
*sighs* SIW TOBY. Pouwquoi, my deaw knyight? 
A-AGUECHEEK. What is 'pouwquoi'- do ow nyot do? I w-wouwd I had bestowed 
that t-time in the tongues t-that I have :33 in f-fencing, dancing, and 
beaw-baiting. Oh, had *teleports behind you* I but x3 fowwowed the awts! 
SIW TOBY. Then *giggles shyly* hadst thou h-had an excewwent head ^.^ of haiw. 
A-AGUECHEEK. Why, *looks away* wouwd that have mended my *leans over* haiw? 
SIW TOBY. Past question; *cries* fow OwO thou seest it wiww nyot cuww by nyatuwe. 
A-AGUECHEEK. But it becomes me weww e-enyough, does't nyot? 
SIW TOBY. E-Excewwent; it hangs wike fwax on a distaff, *leans over* and I hope to 
;;w;; see a huswife take t-thee between hew wegs and spin it x3 off. 
AGUECHEEK. Faith, I'ww x3 home to-mowwow, Siw Toby. *cries* Youw nyiece wiww 
nyot b-be seen, ow if :3 she be, it's fouw t-to onye she'ww nyonye *notices bulge* of m-me; 
the *hugs tightly* Count himsewf hewe *giggles shyly* hawd b-by woos hew. 
xDD SIW TOBY. She'ww nyonye o' th' Count; she'ww nyot m-match above h-hew 
degwee, nyeithew in estate, UwU yeaws, *moans* nyow wit; *looks away* I have heawd hew 
sweaw't. T-Tut, thewe's wife ^w^ in't, man. 
AGUECHEEK. >w< I'ww stay a month wongew. I am a fewwow o' th' stwangest 
mind i' th' *looks at you* wowwd; :3 I *pokes you* dewight in masques and wevews sometimes 
a-awtogethew. 
SIW TOBY. A-Awt thou good at these kickshawses, knyight? 
AGUECHEEK. As any man in I-Iwwywia, whatsoevew he be, undew the 
degwee of m-my bettews; a-and yet I wiww nyot compawe with an owd man. 
SIW TOBY. What ^.^ is *leans over* thy *pokes you* excewwence in x3 a gawwiawd, knyight? 
AGUECHEEK. Faith, I can cut a capew. 
SIW TOBY. A-And I c-can *teleports behind you* cut the mutton ;;w;; to't. 
*giggles shyly* AGUECHEEK. And >_> I think I have the back-twick simpwy as *moans* stwong as 
any man in Iwwywia. 
SIW TOBY. W-Whewefowe awe t-these things *moans* hid? Whewefowe have these 
gifts a *notices bulge* cuwtain befowe 'em? Awe they w-wike to take d-dust, wike 
Mistwess Maww's *leans over* pictuwe? Why dost thou nyot go to c-chuwch in a 
gawwiawd and *hugs tightly* come home in a cowanto? xDD My v-vewy wawk shouwd be a 
jig; >w< I wouwd nyot so much as make w-watew but in a sink-a-pace. What 
dost *leans over* thou mean? Is it a wowwd t-to hide viwtues in? *leans over* I did think, by 
the e-excewwent constitution of thy weg, it was fowm'd undew ^.^ the 
staw of a-a g-gawwiawd. 
AGUECHEEK. A-Ay, 'tis stwong, and it does indiffewent weww i-in 
fwame-cowouw'd stock. ^.^ Shaww w-we *sighs* set about some *teleports behind you* wevews? 
SIW TOBY. What shaww we do ^w^ ewse? Wewe >_> we nyot bown ^-^ undew Tauwus? 
AGUECHEEK. Tauwus? That's s-sides and heawt. 
SIW TOBY. Nyo, s-siw; it is :3 wegs and :33 thighs. *pokes you* Wet me see the *sighs* capew. Ha, 
h-highew! Ha, ha, excewwent! E-Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
*looks at you* The D-DUKE'S pawace 

Entew VAWENTINyE, and VIOWA i-in man's attiwe 

V-VAWENTINyE. If the *moans* Duke continyue these favouws towawds x3 you, Cesawio, 
you awe x3 wike to be much advanc'd; he hath knyown you but thwee 
days, and awweady you awe nyo stwangew. 
VIOWA. You *cuddles you* eithew feaw his humouw ow my nyegwigence, that you *moans* caww 
in question the ;;w;; continyuance of his wove. Is *cuddles you* he inconstant, :3 siw, 
^.^ in his *shuffles closer* favouws? 
VAWENTINyE. Nyo, bewieve me. 

Entew DUKE, CUWIO, and A-ATTENDANTS 

VIOWA. I thank y-you. Hewe comes the Count. 
DUKE. Who saw Cesawio, *twerks* ho? 
VIOWA. On y-youw attendance, my wowd, hewe. 
DUKE. Stand you a-awhiwe a-awoof. Cesawio, 
Thou k-knyow'st nyo :3 wess but aww; I have uncwasp'd 
T-To thee :33 the book e-even of m-my secwet souw. 
Thewefowe, *looks away* good youth, addwess thy gait u-unto *cuddles you* hew; 
Be nyot denyied a-access, stand at hew doows, 
And teww t-them thewe *leans over* thy *looks away* fixed foot s-shaww gwow 
T-Tiww *pokes you* thou h-have audience. 
VIOWA. ^-^ Suwe, my nyobwe wowd, 
If she *hugs tightly* be s-so abandon'd OwO to hew sowwow 
As it is spoke, she nyevew wiww admit me. 
D-DUKE. Be cwamowous *teleports behind you* and weap aww civiw *leans over* bounds, 
Wathew *sighs* than make unpwofited *looks away* wetuwn. 
>w< VIOWA. S-Say I >_< do speak :33 with hew, m-my wowd, what then? 
uWu DUKE. O-O, then unfowd the *sweats* passion of m-my wove, 
Suwpwise *looks at you* hew *screams* with discouwse of my deaw faith! 
I-It shaww become thee *shuffles closer* weww to act my woes: 
*blushes* She wiww attend it bettew in thy >_> youth 
Than in a n-nyuncio's of mowe gwave aspect. 
V-VIOWA. *giggles shyly* I think nyot >_> so, my w-wowd. 
DUKE. Deaw wad, bewieve i-it, 
Fow t-they shaww yet >_< bewie thy uWu happy *teleports behind you* yeaws 
That *shuffles closer* say thou awt a man: Dianya's wip 
UwU Is nyot mowe smooth and w-wubious; t-thy smaww pipe 
Is as the maiden's owgan, x3 shwiww and sound, 
xDD And aww ^.^ is sembwative a woman's pawt. 
I knyow thy *looks away* constewwation is >_> wight apt 
Fow t-this affaiw. *notices bulge* Some fouw ow five attend him- 
Aww, i-if you wiww, fow I *cuddles you* mysewf am UwU best 
When w-weast in company. Pwospew weww in this, 
And t-thou shawt wive as fweewy as thy wowd 
To caww his fowtunyes thinye. 
VIOWA. >_< I'ww do my b-best 
To woo youw *giggles shyly* wady. [-[Aside] Yet, a bawfuw s-stwife! 
Whoe'ew I-I woo, mysewf wouwd be his wife. 




SCENyE V. 
OWIVIA'S house 

*looks away* Entew MAWIA a-and CWOWN 

MAWIA. Nyay, eithew teww me whewe thou hast b-been, ow I wiww nyot open 
my wips so wide as a b-bwistwe *screams* may entew in way of thy *blushes* excuse; my 
wady wiww h-hang thee fow thy absence. 
CWOWN. Wet hew hang me. *hugs tightly* He that is w-weww hang'd in this *pokes you* wowwd nyeeds 
to feaw n-nyo cowouws. 
MAWIA. Make that good. 
CWOWN. He s-shaww see nyonye to feaw. 
MAWIA. A good w-wenten answew. I can teww *giggles shyly* thee whewe that saying was 
bown, of 'I f-feaw nyo ;;w;; cowouws.' 
:3 CWOWN. W-Whewe, UwU good *hugs tightly* Mistwess Mawy? 
MAWIA. In the waws; and that may you be bowd to say in *pokes you* youw 
foowewy. 
CWOWN. Weww, God give them w-wisdom that have it; and those t-that awe 
foows, w-wet them u-use theiw tawents. 
MAWIA. Yet you wiww be hang'd fow being so wong absent; *teleports behind you* ow x3 to be 
tuwn'd away- i-is nyot that as good a-as a *sweats* hanging to you? 
CWOWN. Many a good hanging pwevents a bad ;;w;; mawwiage; and fow tuwnying 
away, wet summew beaw it out. 
M-MAWIA. You awe wesowute, then? 
CWOWN. Nyot so, *sweats* nyeithew; but I am wesowv'd on two points. 
MAWIA. That if onye bweak, the othew wiww howd; ow if both *looks at you* bweak, 
youw gaskins faww. 
CWOWN. >_< Apt, in good faith, vewy apt! Weww, go thy w-way; if Siw Toby 
wouwd *blushes* weave dwinking, thou wewt as witty a piece >_> of Eve's fwesh 
as any in :33 Iwwywia. 
MAWIA. Peace, you wogue, nyo mowe o' that. Hewe *sweats* comes my wady. *looks away* Make 
youw excuse wisewy, you w-wewe b-best. Exit 

Entew OWIVIA and MAWVOWIO 

CWOWN. Wit, an't be thy wiww, put *giggles shyly* me into good f-foowing! Those wits 
that think *looks at you* they have thee do vewy oft pwove foows; and I that am 
*shuffles closer* suwe I wack thee *twerks* may :33 pass fow a wise man. Fow what says 
Quinyapawus? 'Bettew a witty foow than a :33 foowish wit.' God bwess 
thee, wady! 
OWIVIA. Take the foow away. 
CWOWN. Do *pokes you* you nyot heaw, fewwows? ^w^ Take away the wady. 
OWIVIA. Go to, y'awe a dwy foow; I'ww nyo mowe of you. Besides, y-you 
*sighs* gwow dishonyest. 
CWOWN. Two fauwts, m-madonnya, that dwink and *sweats* good c-counsew wiww amend; 
fow g-give xDD the *pokes you* dwy foow dwink, then is x3 the foow *sighs* nyot d-dwy. Bid t-the 
dishonyest *notices bulge* man mend himsewf: if he mend, he :33 is nyo w-wongew 
dishonyest; if he cannyot, wet the botchew mend him. Anything 
that's mended is but patch'd; viwtue that *looks at you* twansgwesses is but 
patch'd with sin, and sin that amends is but patch'd w-with viwtue. 
*leans over* If that this simpwe *giggles shyly* sywwogism wiww sewve, so; if it wiww uWu nyot, 
*hugs tightly* what w-wemedy? As thewe is nyo twue cuckowd but cawamity, >_< so 
beauty's *pokes you* a f-fwowew. The wady bade take away t-the *sighs* foow; thewefowe, I 
say again, take hew away. 
OWIVIA. Siw, I bade them take away y-you. 
CWOWN. Mispwision in *shuffles closer* the highest degwee! Wady, 'Cucuwwus *sighs* nyon facit 
monyachum'; that's as much t-to say as I weaw nyot motwey in m-my 
bwain. Good madonnya, give me :33 weave to pwove you a-a *twerks* foow. 
*cries* OWIVIA. Can you do it? 
CWOWN. D-Dextewiouswy, good madonnya. 
OWIVIA. Make youw pwoof. 
*looks away* CWOWN. I must catechize you >w< fow it, madonnya. 
Good my m-mouse of viwtue, answew me. 
OWIVIA. W-Weww, siw, fow want of othew i-idwenyess, I'ww bide youw 
pwoof. 
CWOWN. Good madonnya, why mouwn'st thou? 
OWIVIA. Good foow, fow my bwothew's d-death. 
CWOWN. I think his souw is in h-heww, *giggles shyly* madonnya. 
OWIVIA. :33 I knyow his souw is :3 in heaven, foow. 
CWOWN. The mowe foow, *leans over* madonnya, to mouwn fow youw b-bwothew's souw 
being in heaven. Take away the f-foow, *moans* gentwemen. 
OWIVIA. What think you of this foow, Mawvowio? *blushes* Doth he nyot mend? 
MAWVOWIO. Yes, and *cries* shaww do, *sweats* tiww the pangs *teleports behind you* of death shake him. 
Infiwmity, that decays the w-wise, doth evew m-make the bettew foow. 
CWOWN. God send you, siw, *sighs* a speedy infiwmity, *sighs* fow the bettew 
incweasing youw fowwy! Siw Toby wiww be swown that I am nyo fox; 
but he wiww nyot p-pass his w-wowd fow twopence *hugs tightly* that you awe nyo foow. 
OWIVIA. How say *pokes you* you to that, Mawvowio? 
M-MAWVOWIO. I mawvew youw wadyship uWu takes dewight in such a *sweats* bawwen 
wascaw; ^.^ I saw him put down the ^w^ othew day with an o-owdinyawy foow 
that has nyo mowe bwain than a *pokes you* stonye. Wook y-you nyow, *sweats* he's out of 
his guawd awweady; unwess you waugh and minyistew occasion t-to him, 
he is gagg'd. *looks at you* I pwotest *screams* I take these wise men that cwow so at 
these set kind of foows nyo bettew than the foows' z-zanyies. 
O-OWIVIA. *hugs tightly* O, you awe sick of sewf-wove, Mawvowio, and taste with a 
distempew'd appetite. UwU To be genyewous, g-guiwtwess, and of f-fwee 
*sweats* disposition, is to take those *blushes* things fow biwd-bowts that you ;;w;; deem 
cannyon buwwets. Thewe *shuffles closer* is nyo swandew in *moans* an awwow'd foow, t-though h-he 
do nyothing but w-waiw; nyow *leans over* nyo waiwing in knyown *pokes you* discweet man, though 
he do nyothing but wepwove. 
CWOWN. Nyow *teleports behind you* Mewcuwy e-endue thee with weasing, fow thou speak'st weww 
of f-foows! 

We-entew MAWIA 

MAWIA. M-Madam, *giggles shyly* thewe is ^.^ at the gate *notices bulge* a young :33 gentweman much desiwes 
to speak with you. 
OWIVIA. Fwom the Count Owsinyo, is it? 
MAWIA. I knyow nyot, madam; UwU 'tis a faiw young man, and weww attended. 
OWIVIA. Who o-of my peopwe howd him i-in d-deway? 
MAWIA. Siw Toby, *looks at you* madam, youw kinsman. 
OWIVIA. Fetch ^w^ him off, I pway you; he speaks nyothing but madman. 
Fie on h-him! [Exit MAWIA] Go >w< you, Mawvowio: if i-it be a suit fwom 
the *shuffles closer* Count, I-I am sick, o-ow nyot at home- what you ^-^ wiww to dismiss 
*looks away* it. [Exit MAWVOWIO] Nyow you see, siw, how youw foowing ^-^ gwows owd, 
and p-peopwe diswike it. 
*sighs* CWOWN. Thou hast spoke f-fow us, madonnya, a-as *leans over* if thy ewdest x3 son shouwd 
be a f-foow; w-whose skuww Jove cwam with bwains! Fow- hewe he comes- 
onye o-of thy kin has a most weak pia m-matew. 

Entew *screams* SIW TOBY 

OWIVIA. By m-minye honyouw, hawf dwunk! What is h-he a-at the gate, cousin? 
SIW TOBY. A gentweman. 
*hugs tightly* OWIVIA. A gentweman! What gentweman? 
SIW TOBY. 'Tis a gentweman hewe. [Hiccups] A pwague o' these 
pickwe-hewwing! *moans* How nyow, *pokes you* sot! 
CWOWN. >_< Good Siw Toby! 
OwO OWIVIA. Cousin, cousin, h-how h-have you c-come s-so eawwy b-by this 
wethawgy? 
SIW TOBY. Wechewy! I UwU defy wechewy. Thewe's o-onye at the ^.^ gate. 
OWIVIA. Ay, m-mawwy; what is he? 
SIW ^w^ TOBY. Wet him be the deviw a-an he wiww, I cawe n-nyot; give me 
faith, say I. >_> Weww, it's aww onye. *hugs tightly* Exit 
OWIVIA. What's a dwunken ;;w;; man wike, foow? 
CWOWN. Wike a dwown'd man, a-a foow, and a madman: *moans* onye dwaught above 
>w< heat makes uWu him a foow; the second mads him; *hugs tightly* and a thiwd dwowns 
x3 him. 
*screams* OWIVIA. Go thou and seek the cwownyew, and w-wet him sit ^w^ o' m-my xDD coz; 
f-fow he's in the thiwd degwee of *screams* dwink, he's dwown'd; go wook 
*cries* aftew him. 
*pokes you* CWOWN. He ^w^ is b-but mad y-yet, madonnya, and the foow shaww wook to the 
madman. Exit 

We-entew M-MAWVOWIO 

MAWVOWIO. Madam, yond y-young fewwow sweaws he wiww speak with you. I 
towd him you wewe sick; he *hugs tightly* takes on him to undewstand so much, 
and :33 thewefowe comes t-to speak with you. I towd him *notices bulge* you wewe 
a-asweep; he seems to have a *notices bulge* foweknyowwedge o-of that *cries* too, and 
thewefowe comes to speak with you. What is to *looks at you* be said to him, 
wady? He's fowtified against any denyiaw. 
OWIVIA. Teww him *cuddles you* he shaww nyot *twerks* speak *screams* with *looks at you* me. 
M-MAWVOWIO. H-Has been towd so; *hugs tightly* and :33 he says he'ww stand at youw doow 
wike a-a shewiff's post, and be *shuffles closer* the suppowtew to a-a b-bench, but he'ww 
s-speak *sighs* with you. 
OWIVIA. *moans* What kind o' *hugs tightly* man is he? 
MAWVOWIO. Why, :3 of mankind. 
OWIVIA. What *twerks* mannyew of man? 
:3 MAWVOWIO. Of vewy *sweats* iww ^w^ mannyew; he'ww speak w-with ^-^ you, wiww you ow *leans over* nyo. 
OWIVIA. Of :3 what pewsonyage and yeaws is xDD he? 
UwU MAWVOWIO. N-Nyot y-yet owd e-enyough *notices bulge* fow a man, >w< nyow young enyough fow a b-boy; 
as a-a squash is *cries* befowe UwU 'tis a peascod, ow a codwing when 'tis 
awmost an appwe; 'tis with h-him in standing watew, between boy and 
man. He i-is vewy weww-favouw'd, *sighs* and h-he speaks vewy shwewishwy; onye 
wouwd think *pokes you* his mothew's miwk w-wewe scawce out of him. 
OWIVIA. Wet him appwoach. Caww in my g-gentwewoman. 
MAWVOWIO. Gentwewoman, my wady cawws. Exit 

W-We-entew MAWIA 

*hugs tightly* OWIVIA. Give me my veiw; ^w^ come, thwow it o'ew my x3 face; 
We'ww *pokes you* once mowe heaw O-Owsinyo's embassy. 

E-Entew VIOWA 

VIOWA. The honyouwabwe wady of >w< the house, uWu which is she? 
OWIVIA. Speak to me; I shaww answew fow hew. Youw wiww? 
VIOWA. Most wadiant, *teleports behind you* exquisite, a-and unmatchabwe beauty- I pway you 
teww me if this be *sweats* the *blushes* wady o-of the house, fow I *cuddles you* nyevew saw h-hew. I 
w-wouwd be woath to cast away my speech; fow, besides that it is 
^-^ excewwentwy weww p-penn'd, I have taken gweat pains to con it. Good 
beauties, wet me sustain nyo scown; I am vewy *sweats* comptibwe, even to 
uWu the weast sinyistew usage. 
O-OWIVIA. Whence came you, siw? 
*leans over* VIOWA. I can say wittwe *cries* mowe than I have studied, and that 
question's out of m-my p-pawt. Good gentwe onye, give me m-modest 
assuwance if you *twerks* be the wady of the house, that I may pwoceed i-in 
my *cries* speech. 
OWIVIA. Awe you a comedian? 
VIOWA. Nyo, m-my pwofound heawt; and yet, >_> by the vewy fangs of m-mawice 
I sweaw, I am >w< nyot that I pway. Awe you the wady of the house? 
*notices bulge* OWIVIA. If *leans over* I do nyot usuwp mysewf, *moans* I am. 
V-VIOWA. Most c-cewtain, if y-you a-awe she, y-you do *looks away* usuwp youwsewf; fow 
w-what UwU is *looks at you* youws to b-bestow *screams* is nyot youws t-to wesewve. *giggles shyly* But this is f-fwom 
my c-commission. I wiww on w-with my *cries* speech in youw pwaise, and >w< then 
show you t-the heawt of my message. 
OWIVIA. C-Come to w-what is impowtant in't. I f-fowgive you the pwaise. 
VIOWA. Awas, I took g-gweat pains to study it, and 'tis poeticaw. 
OWIVIA. It is the mowe wike ^-^ to be ^w^ feignyed; I pway you keep it i-in. I 
heawd you wewe saucy at my gates, and ^w^ awwow'd youw appwoach 
wathew to wondew a-at you *twerks* than to *moans* heaw you. If you be nyot mad, be 
gonye; if you have weason, be bwief; *twerks* 'tis nyot that time :33 of m-moon 
with me to make onye x3 in so skipping uWu diawogue. 
MAWIA. Wiww you hoist saiw, siw? H-Hewe wies ^-^ youw uWu way. 
VIOWA. Nyo, good *sweats* swabbew, I a-am to huww hewe a wittwe w-wongew. 
Some mowwification ^w^ fow y-youw giant, sweet wady. 
OWIVIA. Teww me youw mind. 
VIOWA. I am a messengew. 
>_< OWIVIA. Suwe, you uWu have some hideous m-mattew to dewivew, when the 
x3 couwtesy of it is so feawfuw. Speak youw office. 
V-VIOWA. It *sweats* awonye c-concewns youw eaw. I *giggles shyly* bwing nyo ovewtuwe of waw, nyo 
taxation o-of homage: I *blushes* howd the owive in my hand; >_< my wowds *giggles shyly* awe as 
fuww of p-peace as mattew. 
OWIVIA. Yet you b-began wudewy. ^.^ What awe you? What *twerks* wouwd you? 
VIOWA. The wudenyess that hath appeaw'd in me >_> have I-I weawn'd fwom m-my 
entewtainment. What I am a-and what I wouwd awe as secwet as 
maidenhead- t-to >_< youw caws, divinyity; t-to any *leans over* othew's, pwofanyation. 
OWIVIA. xDD Give us the pwace awonye; we wiww heaw *screams* this divinyity. 
[Exeunt M-MAWIA and ATTENDANTS] Nyow, siw, what *pokes you* is youw text? 
VIOWA. Most sweet *hugs tightly* wady- 
OWIVIA. A comfowtabwe doctwinye, and much may b-be said o-of it. 
*moans* Whewe wies youw text? 
VIOWA. In Owsinyo's bosom. 
OWIVIA. In his bosom! In what chaptew *screams* of his bosom? 
VIOWA. To answew by UwU the method: i-in the fiwst of his *twerks* heawt. 
OWIVIA. O, I have wead it; it is *giggles shyly* hewesy. *looks away* Have you nyo mowe t-to say? 
*hugs tightly* VIOWA. Good madam, wet me see y-youw f-face. 
*cries* OWIVIA. Have y-you a-any commission fwom youw wowd to nyegotiate w-with *hugs tightly* my 
face? You awe :33 nyow out of youw *blushes* text; but we wiww dwaw the cuwtain 
and show you t-the pictuwe. [-[Unveiwing] *screams* Wook you, siw, s-such a onye I 
was this pwesent. Is't nyot w-weww donye? 
VIOWA. E-Excewwentwy donye, if G-God did aww. 
OWIVIA. 'Tis in gwain, siw; 'twiww *looks away* enduwe wind and *sweats* weathew. 
VIOWA. 'Tis beauty twuwy bwent, whose wed and white 
Nyatuwe's own s-sweet UwU and cunnying hand waid :3 on. 
Wady, ;;w;; you x3 awe the cwueww'st *blushes* she a-awive, 
If *looks away* you wiww wead these gwaces to t-the g-gwave, 
And weave the wowwd nyo copy. 
OWIVIA. O, *hugs tightly* siw, I wiww nyot be so hawd-heawted; *notices bulge* I wiww g-give out 
divews scheduwes of my beauty. It s-shaww be inventowied, and e-evewy 
pawticwe and utensiw wabeww'd to my wiww: as- item, two w-wips 
indiffewent wed; item, t-two gwey eyes with wids to t-them; item, onye 
nyeck, onye chin, >_< and so fowth. ^-^ Wewe you s-sent hithew *leans over* to p-pwaise me? 
VIOWA. I see you what you awe: y-you awe ;;w;; too *twerks* pwoud; 
But, if you w-wewe t-the deviw, you awe faiw. 
My wowd and mastew woves *cuddles you* you- O, such wove 
Couwd be but wecompens'd though you wewe cwown'd 
*giggles shyly* The nyonpaweiw of beauty! 
OWIVIA. How does he *sighs* wove me? 
VIOWA. *looks away* With adowations, fewtiwe *sweats* teaws, 
With gwoans t-that thundew wove, :33 with sighs of ^.^ fiwe. 
OWIVIA. Youw w-wowd does knyow my mind; I-I cannyot wove him. 
Yet I suppose h-him viwtuous, knyow UwU him nyobwe, 
Of *notices bulge* gweat estate, of fwesh and stainwess *hugs tightly* youth; 
In *hugs tightly* voices weww ;;w;; divuwg'd, fwee, weawn'd, and vawiant, 
And in dimension and the shape of nyatuwe 
^w^ A xDD gwacious pewson; b-but yet I cannyot wove him. 
He might h-have took his answew wong a-ago. 
VIOWA. If I did wove y-you i-in my mastew's fwame, 
W-With such a suff'wing, such a deadwy wife, 
In >w< youw denyiaw I wouwd find *teleports behind you* nyo sense; 
I wouwd nyot undewstand it. 
OWIVIA. Why, what UwU wouwd you? 
x3 VIOWA. Make me a UwU wiwwow cabin at *sighs* youw gate, 
And *teleports behind you* caww upon my souw within the h-house; 
Wwite woyaw cantons of c-contemnyed wove 
And *giggles shyly* sing t-them woud even in t-the dead of nyight; 
Hawwoo youw nyame *cries* to the wevewbewate haws, 
And m-make the babbwing gossip of the a-aiw 
Cwy *giggles shyly* out 'Owivia!' O, you shouwd nyot w-west 
Between the ewements of *looks away* aiw and *giggles shyly* eawth 
But you shouwd pity me! 
O-OWIVIA. You m-might do much. 
*twerks* What is youw pawentage? 
VIOWA. Above my fowtunyes, yet my state is weww: 
I am *teleports behind you* a g-gentweman. 
OWIVIA. Get *sweats* you to youw wowd. 
I cannyot wove him; wet him send nyo mowe- 
Unwess pewchance *screams* you come to me *looks at you* again 
T-To teww me how he takes it. Fawe you weww. 
I thank you fow youw pains; spend OwO this ;;w;; fow me. 
VIOWA. I *moans* am n-nyo fee'd p-post, >_< wady; keep *leans over* youw puwse; 
My mastew, nyot mysewf, wacks wecompense. 
*looks at you* Wove make his heawt of ^-^ fwint that you shaww *hugs tightly* wove; 
And wet youw fewvouw, *sighs* wike my m-mastew's, be 
Pwac'd in *cuddles you* contempt! Faweweww, faiw cwuewty. Exit 
OWIVIA. 'What is *blushes* youw pawentage?' 
'Above UwU my fowtunyes, yet ^.^ my state is weww: 
I-I am ^.^ a gentweman.' I'ww *hugs tightly* be swown thou awt; 
T-Thy t-tongue, *shuffles closer* thy face, thy wimbs, a-actions, and spiwit, 
Do give thee five-fowd bwazon. Nyot *sighs* too fast! Soft, soft! 
Unwess the mastew wewe the man. How nyow! 
Even UwU so quickwy may onye catch the pwague? 
Methinks I f-feew >_> this youth's pewfections 
With an invisibwe *pokes you* and s-subtwe steawth 
To cweep i-in at minye eyes. Weww, wet it ;;w;; be. 
What ho, Mawvowio! 

We-entew M-MAWVOWIO 

MAWVOWIO. Hewe, m-madam, at youw sewvice. 
OWIVIA. *leans over* Wun a-aftew that same peevish messengew, 
The County's man. He w-weft t-this wing *teleports behind you* behind him, 
Wouwd I ow nyot. :33 Teww h-him I'ww *notices bulge* nyonye of it. 
Desiwe *cuddles you* him nyot t-to fwattew with >w< his wowd, 
N-Nyow howd him up with hopes; I-I am nyot fow him. 
If that the youth wiww uWu come this way to-mowwow, 
I'ww *blushes* give him weasons fow't. Hie thee, Mawvowio. 
MAWVOWIO. Madam, *screams* I wiww. Exit 
O-OWIVIA. I do I knyow nyot what, and uWu feaw t-to find 
M-Minye eye too gweat a fwattewew fow my *giggles shyly* mind. 
Fate, show thy fowce: ouwsewves we do nyot owe; 
What *shuffles closer* is d-decweed *notices bulge* must be; and be this s-so! Exit 




<-<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, >_< INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED *twerks* BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC A-AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES M-MAY B-BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS >w< SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW *giggles shyly* OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW *pokes you* USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE *teleports behind you* NyOT :33 DISTWIBUTED *notices bulge* OW U-USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *cuddles you* INCWUDES B-BY A-ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES F-FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW M-MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT II. SCENyE I. 
The sea-coast 

E-Entew ANTONyIO and S-SEBASTIAN 

ANTONyIO. Wiww you s-stay nyo wongew; *blushes* nyow wiww you nyot that I go with 
you? 
SEBASTIAN. By >_> youw p-patience, nyo. My staws shinye dawkwy ovew *twerks* me; the 
mawignyancy of my fate m-might pewhaps d-distempew :3 youws; thewefowe I 
shaww *cuddles you* cwave *notices bulge* of you youw weave that I may beaw my eviws awonye. It 
wewe a b-bad wecompense fow y-youw wove to way a-any of them on y-you. 
ANTONyIO. Wet me *hugs tightly* knyow of you whithew you awe bound. 
SEBASTIAN. N-Nyo, *shuffles closer* sooth, siw; my d-detewminyate voyage is ^w^ mewe 
extwavagancy. But I pewceive i-in you so excewwent :3 a touch of 
modesty that *teleports behind you* you wiww nyot extowt f-fwom me what I am wiwwing to 
keep in; t-thewefowe it c-chawges me in mannyews the wathew to expwess 
:3 mysewf. You must knyow of me then, Antonyio, my nyame is Sebastian, 
w-which I caww'd Wodewigo; my *hugs tightly* fathew w-was that Sebastian of 
Messawinye whom I knyow you have heawd of. He weft behind him 
mysewf and a sistew, both bown i-in an houw; if the heavens had 
been pweas'd, wouwd we had so ended! B-But you, siw, awtew'd t-that; 
fow some houw befowe you took me fwom the bweach of the s-sea was 
my sistew dwown'd. 
ANTONyIO. Awas the day! 
SEBASTIAN. A wady, siw, though it was *leans over* said she much wesembwed >_> me, 
was yet of many a-accounted beautifuw; but though I-I couwd nyot w-with 
such estimabwe wondew o-ovewfaw bewieve that, yet thus faw I-I wiww 
bowdwy *notices bulge* pubwish hew: she b-bowe OwO mind that *blushes* envy couwd nyot *blushes* but caww 
faiw. She is d-dwown'd awweady, siw, with *twerks* sawt watew, though :33 I seem 
to dwown hew wemembwance again with mowe. 
ANTONyIO. *pokes you* Pawdon me, siw, >w< youw bad >_< entewtainment. 
SEBASTIAN. *leans over* O good Antonyio, fowgive *blushes* me youw OwO twoubwe. 
ANTONyIO. If you wiww nyot muwdew me fow my w-wove, wet me be youw 
s-sewvant. 
SEBASTIAN. OwO If you wiww n-nyot undo w-what you have d-donye- that is, kiww 
him whom you have wecovew'd-desiwe it nyot. Fawe ye weww at o-once; 
m-my ;;w;; bosom is f-fuww of kindnyess, and I a-am yet so nyeaw the mannyews of 
*screams* my m-mothew that, upon the weast occasion ^w^ mowe, minye eyes w-wiww teww 
tawes of me. I am bound >_< to the Count Owsinyo's couwt. Faweweww. 
Exit 
ANTONyIO. The gentwenyess of *teleports behind you* aww the gods go with thee! 
I *cuddles you* have *shuffles closer* many cnyemies in Owsinyo's couwt, 
Ewse w-wouwd I ^w^ vewy showtwy see thee thewe. 
But come what ;;w;; may, I do adowe thee so 
That dangew shaww s-seem spowt, and I wiww go. Exit 




SCENyE I-II. 
A stweet 

Entew V-VIOWA and MAWVOWIO at sevewaw doows 

MAWVOWIO. Wewe you n-nyot ev'n *twerks* nyow with the Countess Owivia? 
VIOWA. E-Even nyow, *leans over* siw; on a modewate pace I have since awwiv'd but 
hithew. 
M-MAWVOWIO. She *pokes you* wetuwns this wing to you, siw; you might have saved 
m-me my pains, to h-have *sighs* taken it *notices bulge* away youwsewf. *blushes* She adds, moweovew, 
that you shouwd put youw w-wowd into a despewate a-assuwance she wiww 
nyonye of him. And onye thing mowe: *shuffles closer* that you be *screams* nyevew so hawdy to 
come a-again *cuddles you* in his *leans over* affaiws, unwess it be to w-wepowt youw wowd's 
>_> taking of this. Weceive it so. 
VIOWA. She >_< took the wing *moans* of m-me; I'ww :3 nyonye of it. 
uWu MAWVOWIO. C-Come, siw, y-you peevishwy thwew it t-to hew; and hew wiww is 
it shouwd *blushes* be so wetuwn'd. If ^.^ it be wowth stooping fow, thewe it 
wies in x3 youw *pokes you* eye; if nyot, *twerks* be ;;w;; it his that f-finds it. 
Exit 
VIOWA. I-I weft nyo wing with hew; what means this wady? 
Fowtunye fowbid *blushes* my outside have n-nyot chawm'd hew! 
She *cries* made g-good view of me; indeed, so much 
*pokes you* That methought hew e-eyes had wost hew tongue, 
Fow she did speak in *looks away* stawts ^w^ distwactedwy. 
She woves me, suwe: the cunnying *teleports behind you* of hew passion 
^.^ Invites me in t-this chuwwish messengew. 
Nyonye of my wowd's wing! Why, he s-sent hew nyonye. 
I *giggles shyly* am the man. I-If ^w^ it be so- as '-'tis- 
Poow wady, she wewe bettew wove a dweam. 
Disguise, I-I see thou awt a wickednyess 
Whewein the pwegnyant enyemy does m-much. 
How easy is it fow the pwopew-fawse 
In women's waxen ;;w;; heawts to set theiw f-fowms! 
Awas, ouw fwaiwty i-is the cause, n-nyot we! 
F-Fow such as we ;;w;; awe made of, such *looks away* we be. 
How wiww this f-fadge? M-My mastew w-woves hew deawwy, 
*teleports behind you* And I, *screams* poow monstew, fond as much on him; 
>_> And she, mistaken, *cries* seems to dote on me. 
What wiww become of this? As I am man, 
xDD My state is despewate fow my mastew's wove; 
As *screams* I am woman- nyow awas the day!- 
;;w;; What thwiftwess sighs shaww poow Owivia bweathe! 
O Time, UwU thou must untangwe this, nyot I; 
It i-is >_< too *looks at you* hawd a *screams* knyot fow me t' untie! ^w^ Exit 




SCENyE III. 
OWIVIA'S h-house 

Entew SIW TOBY and S-SIW A-ANDWEW 

SIW TOBY. Appwoach, Siw Andwew. Nyot to be abed aftew midnyight xDD is to 
b-be u-up betimes; and 'diwucuwo suwgewe' t-thou knyow'st- 
AGUECHEEK. Nyay, b-by my twoth, I knyow nyot; but I-I knyow *sweats* to be up wate 
is to be up wate. 
SIW TOBY. *cries* A f-fawse concwusion! *giggles shyly* I h-hate it as an unfiww'd can. To be 
up aftew m-midnyight and *blushes* to go to bed then is eawwy; *moans* so that t-to go 
*screams* to *shuffles closer* bed aftew midnyight *leans over* is to uWu go to b-bed betimes. ^-^ Does nyot ouw *looks at you* wives 
;;w;; consist *teleports behind you* of the fouw ewements? 
AGUECHEEK. Faith, so they say; but I-I t-think it wathew consists of 
eating and dwinking. 
SIW TOBY. Th'awt a schowaw; wet us thewefowe eat a-and dwink. 
Mawian, *twerks* I say! a-a stoup o-of w-winye. 

Entew CWOWN 

AGUECHEEK. Hewe comes :33 the *screams* foow, i' faith. 
CWOWN. How nyow, my OwO heawts! D-Did you nyevew see the pictuwe of >_> 'we 
thwee'? 
SIW TOBY. Wewcome, a-ass. N-Nyow wet's have a-a *cuddles you* catch. 
AGUECHEEK. >w< By my twoth, the *shuffles closer* foow has an excewwent bweast. I had 
wathew t-than fowty shiwwings I had such *twerks* a weg, *notices bulge* and so sweet a-a 
bweath ^-^ to sing, as t-the xDD foow has. In sooth, thou wast ^.^ in *giggles shyly* vewy 
gwacious foowing wast *twerks* nyight, when thou spok'st o-of Pigwogwomitus, 
*giggles shyly* of the Vapians passing the equinyoctiaw of Queubus; 'twas vewy 
good, *pokes you* i' faith. I sent t-thee sixpence fow thy w-weman; hadst it? 
C-CWOWN. I did impeticos thy gwatiwwity; fow Mawvowio's nyose is nyo 
whipstock. *twerks* My wady has a *moans* white >_< hand, *looks away* and *teleports behind you* the *teleports behind you* Mywmidons awe nyo 
bottwe-awe houses. 
AGUECHEEK. Excewwent! Why, *blushes* this is the best foowing, when aww is 
donye. Nyow, a song. 
SIW TOBY. Come on, thewe is *blushes* sixpence fow you. Wet's have a song. 
AGUECHEEK. Thewe's a testwiw of *looks away* me *notices bulge* too; if onye knyight give *blushes* a- 
CWOWN. Wouwd you h-have a w-wove-song, ow a song o-of good w-wife? 
SIW TOBY. A wove-song, a wove-song. 
AGUECHEEK. Ay, ay; I cawe n-nyot fow good wife. 

CWOWN sings 

O mistwess minye, w-whewe awe you woaming? 
O, stay >_> and heaw; youw t-twue wove's coming, 
That can sing *blushes* both high and wow. 
Twip nyo fuwthew, pwetty x3 sweeting; 
Jouwnyeys end in wovews meeting, 
E-Evewy wise man's son *teleports behind you* doth knyow. 

*looks away* AGUECHEEK. Excewwent good, i' :3 faith! 
SIW >_> TOBY. ^w^ Good, good! 

C-CWOWN sings 

What is wove? 'Tis nyot heweaftew; 
Pwesent miwth *sighs* hath pwesent x3 waughtew; 
W-What's to come is s-stiww unsuwe. 
In deway *blushes* thewe wies nyo pwenty, 
Then come kiss *cuddles you* me, sweet and twenty; 
Youth's a stuff wiww nyot e-enduwe. 

AGUECHEEK. A mewwifwuous voice, *giggles shyly* as I am twue knyight. 
SIW TOBY. A contagious bweath. 
^-^ AGUECHEEK. Vewy sweet and contagious, i' faith. 
SIW *moans* TOBY. ^w^ To heaw by the x3 nyose, it is duwcet i-in contagion. But shaww 
we make the wewkin dance i-indeed? Shaww we w-wouse *screams* the nyight-oww in 
a catch that wiww x3 dwaw thwee *screams* souws OwO out of o-onye *cuddles you* weavew? Shaww we do 
that? 
AGUECHEEK. An you wove me, wet's do't. I-I am :3 dog at a catch. 
CWOWN. By'w wady, siw, and s-some dogs wiww catch weww. 
A-AGUECHEEK. Most cewtain. Wet *shuffles closer* ouw catch be uWu 'Thou knyave.' 
CWOWN. 'Howd thy peace, thou knyave' knyight? I ^w^ shaww be constwain'd 
in't *moans* to caww thee knyave, knyight. 
A-AGUECHEEK. 'Tis nyot the fiwst time I h-have *hugs tightly* constwainyed o-onye to caww 
me knyave. Begin, foow: it begins 'Howd thy peace.' 
CWOWN. I shaww nyevew begin if I howd my p-peace. 
AGUECHEEK. Good, i' faith! Come, begin. [Catch sung] 

Entew MAWIA 

MAWIA. What a catewwauwing do *pokes you* you keep h-hewe! If my wady have nyot 
caww'd up hew stewawd Mawvowio, and bid him t-tuwn you out o-of 
doows, *moans* nyevew twust m-me. 
SIW TOBY. My wady's a Cataian, we awe powiticians, M-Mawvowio's a 
Peg-a-Wamsey, a-and :3 [Sings] 
Thwee mewwy m-men be we. 
Am *twerks* nyot I consanguinyeous? Am I nyot of hew bwood? Tiwwy-vawwy, 
wady. [Sings] 
Thewe dwewt a-a man in Babywon, 
W-Wady, wady. 
CWOWN. UwU Beshwew m-me, the :33 knyight's in admiwabwe foowing. 
AGUECHEEK. Ay, he does weww enyough if he be dispos'd, OwO and *shuffles closer* so d-do I 
too; he d-does it with a b-bettew gwace, but *looks at you* I do it ^.^ mowe n-nyatuwaw. 
SIW TOBY. [-[Sings] O' t-the twewfth day of *notices bulge* Decembew- 
x3 MAWIA. Fow the wove o' God, peace! 

*twerks* Entew MAWVOWIO 

MAWVOWIO. My mastews, awe you mad? O-Ow w-what awe you? Have *cries* you nyo 
:3 wit, mannyews, nyow ^-^ honyesty, but to gabbwe wike tinkews at this 
time of n-nyight? Do ye make an awe-house of *blushes* my wady's house, that 
*cries* ye squeak out youw coziews' ;;w;; catches without any mitigation ow 
wemowse of *moans* voice? Is thewe nyo wespect of pwace, pewsons, nyow 
UwU time, in you? 
SIW TOBY. We *cuddles you* did keep time, siw, in ouw catches. Snyeck up! 
MAWVOWIO. Siw Toby, I *giggles shyly* must be wound with you. M-My wady bade me teww 
you that, though she hawbouws you as hew >_> kins-man, she's nyothing 
awwied to youw disowdews. If you *hugs tightly* can s-sepawate youwsewf *moans* and youw 
*sweats* misdemeanyouws, you awe w-wewcome to the house; if nyot, *screams* and *notices bulge* it wouwd 
pwease you to take weave of hew, she is vewy wiwwing to bid you 
f-faweweww. 
SIW TOBY. *sweats* [Sings] Faweweww, *moans* deaw heawt, s-since I must nyeeds be gonye. 
MAWIA. Nyay, good Siw Toby. 
CWOWN. [Sings] His eyes do show his days awe *cuddles you* awmost ;;w;; donye. 
MAWVOWIO. Is't even so? 
SIW TOBY. [Sings] B-But I w-wiww *twerks* nyevew d-die. [Fawws down] 
CWOWN. [Sings] *leans over* Siw Toby, thewe you *looks away* wie. 
MAWVOWIO. This is m-much cwedit to you. 
SIW TOBY. [Sings] Shaww I bid him go? 
CWOWN. [Sings] What an if y-you do? 
SIW TOBY. [Sings] S-Shaww I b-bid him go, and spawe nyot? 
CWOWN. [Sings] O, nyo, nyo, nyo, n-nyo, you *leans over* dawe nyot. 
SIW ;;w;; TOBY. [Wising] Out o' tunye, siw! Ye *pokes you* wie. Awt any mowe t-than a 
s-stewawd? Dost thou think, because thou *notices bulge* awt viwtuous, thewe shaww 
be n-nyo ^w^ mowe cakes and awe? 
CWOWN. Yes, by Saint *cuddles you* Annye; and gingew s-shaww be hot i' >_> th' *hugs tightly* mouth 
too. 
SIW TOBY. *hugs tightly* Th' awt i' *moans* th' wight. *giggles shyly* Go, s-siw, wub youw chain with c-cwumbs. 
A stoup of winye, Mawia! 
MAWVOWIO. Mistwess ;;w;; Mawy, if *sweats* you pwiz'd :33 my w-wady's >_< favouw at anything 
mowe than contempt, you wouwd *twerks* nyot give *sweats* means fow this unciviw 
w-wuwe; she shaww k-knyow of it, by this hand. 
Exit 
MAWIA. Go shake y-youw eaws. 
AGUECHEEK. 'Twewe as good a deed a-as *cuddles you* to dwink *giggles shyly* when a man's a-ahungwy, 
to chawwenge him :33 the fiewd, a-and then *screams* to bweak pwomise with him 
and make a ^w^ foow of him. 
SIW ^.^ TOBY. Do't, knyight. I'ww wwite thee a-a chawwenge; ow I'ww 
dewivew :33 thy indignyation t-to him by wowd of mouth. 
MAWIA. Sweet Siw >_< Toby, be patient fow to-nyight; since the youth of 
the Count's was to-day with ;;w;; my wady, she is much *cuddles you* out o-of quiet. 
Fow Monsieuw Mawvowio, wet me awonye *twerks* with >w< him; if I do nyot g-guww 
h-him into a nyaywowd, a-and make him a common w-wecweation, do *blushes* nyot 
think I have wit enyough to wie stwaight in my bed. I-I knyow I can 
do it. 
S-SIW >_> TOBY. *cries* Possess us, possess us; t-teww us something of h-him. 
M-MAWIA. Mawwy, *twerks* siw, sometimes he is *shuffles closer* a kind of Puwitan. 
AGUECHEEK. O, if I thought that, I'd beat him wike a dog. 
S-SIW TOBY. What, fow being a Puwitan? Thy exquisite w-weason, deaw 
knyight? 
AGUECHEEK. I have nyo :33 exquisite weason *shuffles closer* fow't, but I h-have *twerks* weason good 
enyough. 
MAWIA. The ^w^ deviw xDD a Puwitan that he is, *blushes* ow *hugs tightly* anything *looks away* constantwy but a 
time-pweasew; an affection'd ass that cons *cuddles you* state without book and 
*giggles shyly* uttews ;;w;; it by gweat swawths; the best pewsuaded :3 of himsewf, so 
cwamm'd, a-as he thinks, *sighs* with e-excewwencies that it *leans over* is his gwounds 
of faith that aww that w-wook on him wove h-him; *moans* and *leans over* on that ^.^ vice in 
him *leans over* wiww my wevenge find nyotabwe cause to wowk. 
SIW TOBY. What w-wiwt thou do? 
MAWIA. I w-wiww dwop *teleports behind you* in his way some obscuwe epistwes of wove; 
whewein, by the c-cowouw of his beawd, the shape of his *cries* weg, the 
mannyew of his gait, the e-expwessuwe of his eye, fowehead, and 
compwexion, h-he shaww find himsewf most feewingwy pewsonyated. I-I 
can wwite v-vewy wike *screams* my *cries* wady, youw nyiece; o-on fowgotten mattew we 
can *cries* hawdwy make *moans* distinction of ouw hands. 
S-SIW TOBY. Excewwent! x3 I smeww a d-device. 
AGUECHEEK. *twerks* I have't in my nyose too. 
SIW TOBY. uWu He shaww think, by UwU the *hugs tightly* wettews that t-thou wiwt *cries* dwop, t-that 
they come fwom my nyiece, and that she's in wove *twerks* with him. 
MAWIA. M-My puwpose is, indeed, a howse of that cowouw. 
AGUECHEEK. And :33 youw howse nyow w-wouwd make him an ass. 
MAWIA. Ass, *looks at you* I doubt n-nyot. 
AGUECHEEK. O, 'twiww be admiwabwe! 
MAWIA. *notices bulge* Spowt woyaw, I wawwant you. >_> I knyow m-my physic wiww w-wowk with 
him. I wiww p-pwant you ;;w;; two, and wet the foow make a t-thiwd, whewe 
he shaww find the *leans over* wettew; obsewve his constwuction o-of it. F-Fow 
this nyight, to >w< bed, and dweam on t-the event. Faweweww. 
Exit 
SIW TOBY. Good *giggles shyly* nyight, Penthesiwea. 
*looks away* AGUECHEEK. Befowe me, she's a g-good wench. 
SIW *sweats* TOBY. She's a beagwe twue-bwed, and onye that adowes me. 
What o' >w< that? 
AGUECHEEK. I was *cuddles you* adow'd once too. 
:33 SIW uWu TOBY. x3 Wet's to bed, ^.^ knyight. Thou hadst nyeed send fow xDD mowe 
monyey. 
*moans* AGUECHEEK. I-If I *looks at you* cannyot wecovew youw nyiece, I-I am a fouw way out. 
SIW TOBY. ^.^ Send f-fow monyey, knyight; if thou hast *pokes you* hew nyot i' *looks at you* th' end, 
>w< caww me Cut. 
:3 AGUECHEEK. If I d-do nyot, nyevew twust me; take it >_< how :3 you wiww. 
SIW TOBY. *leans over* Come, come, I'ww go buwn some sack; 'tis too wate to go 
to bed nyow. Come, knyight; *teleports behind you* come, knyight. 
Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
T-The DUKE'S pawace 

Entew DUKE, VIOWA, CUWIO, *cries* and OTHEWS 

DUKE. G-Give me some music. Nyow, good mowwow, fwiends. 
Nyow, good Cesawio, b-but that piece of song, 
*screams* That o-owd *looks at you* and antique song we h-heawd wast nyight; 
Methought it did wewieve my passion much, 
Mowe than wight a-aiws and wecowwected tewms 
Of t-these *moans* most bwisk and giddy-paced t-times. 
Come, ^w^ but onye vewse. 
CUWIO. He ;;w;; is nyot hewe, so pwease >_> youw wowdship, *pokes you* that shouwd s-sing 
i-it. 
DUKE. Who was it? 
CUWIO. Feste, the jestew, my wowd; a foow that *sighs* the Wady Owivia's 
*giggles shyly* fathew took much >_< dewight i-in. He is about the house. 
>w< DUKE. S-Seek him out, a-and pway the tunye t-the *sighs* whiwe. 
Exit CUWIO. [-[Music pways] 
OwO Come hithew, boy. *teleports behind you* If evew *leans over* thou *looks away* shawt :33 wove, 
In *sighs* the s-sweet pangs of xDD it wemembew m-me; 
F-Fow such as I am aww t-twue wovews awe, 
Unstaid and skittish *leans over* in x3 aww motions ewse 
*twerks* Save in t-the *pokes you* constant image of :3 the c-cweatuwe 
That is b-bewov'd. How *pokes you* dost ^w^ thou wike t-this tunye? 
*looks at you* VIOWA. *notices bulge* It gives a vewy echo to the s-seat 
Whewe Wove is thwon'd. 
DUKE. Thou dost speak mastewwy. 
My w-wife *twerks* upon't, young though thou *notices bulge* awt, thinye eye 
Hath stay'd u-upon some favouw that it woves; 
Hath it nyot, boy? 
V-VIOWA. A wittwe, by youw favouw. 
DUKE. What kind of *hugs tightly* woman is't? 
VIOWA. *teleports behind you* Of youw compwexion. 
DUKE. *hugs tightly* She is n-nyot wowth ^-^ thee, then. What yeaws, i' faith? 
*teleports behind you* VIOWA. About youw yeaws, my wowd. 
DUKE. Too owd, by heaven! Wet stiww the *blushes* woman t-take 
An e-ewdew uWu than hewsewf; so :33 weaws she *screams* to him, 
So sways she wevew in hew h-husband's h-heawt. 
F-Fow, boy, *sighs* howevew we do pwaise o-ouwsewves, 
Ouw fancies *sweats* awe mowe giddy and unfiwm, 
Mowe wonging, *looks away* wavewing, soonyew wost and won, 
Than women's a-awe. 
VIOWA. I think it :3 weww, my wowd. 
DUKE. *sweats* Then wet thy *sighs* wove be youngew than thysewf, 
Ow thy affection cannyot OwO howd the bent; 
Fow women awe ^-^ as woses, whose faiw fwow'w 
Being o-once dispway'd doth faww that vewy houw. 
VIOWA. A-And >_< so they awe; a-awas, that *giggles shyly* they *looks away* awe so! 
To die, >_< even *cries* when they to pewfection gwow! 

We-entew CUWIO and CWOWN 

D-DUKE. O, xDD fewwow, c-come, the song we *leans over* had *twerks* wast nyight. 
Mawk it, Cesawio; :33 it is owd and pwain; 
*shuffles closer* The spinstews and the k-knyittews in the sun, 
And the fwee maids that *moans* weave theiw >w< thwead with bonyes, 
Do use t-to chant *twerks* it; it is siwwy sooth, 
A-And d-dawwies with the innyocence of ;;w;; wove, 
:33 Wike the >_> owd age. 
CWOWN. Awe you weady, siw? 
DUKE. Ay; pwithee, sing. [Music] 

FESTE'S S-SONG 

Come away, come away, d-death; 
^-^ And in sad cypwess wet me be waid; 
Fwy away, fwy away, bweath, 
I UwU am swain by *notices bulge* a faiw *looks away* cwuew *twerks* maid. 
My shwoud of white, stuck aww with *hugs tightly* yew, 
O, pwepawe it! 
My pawt of death nyo o-onye *teleports behind you* so twue 
Did shawe it. 

Nyot a fwowew, nyot a fwowew sweet, 
On OwO my xDD bwack coffin wet thewe b-be *giggles shyly* stwown; 
Nyot a f-fwiend, nyot a fwiend gweet 
*moans* My poow c-cowpse whewe *looks away* my ^w^ bonyes s-shaww be thwown; 
A thousand *looks away* thousand to save, 
Way me, O, whewe 
Sad twue wovew nyevew f-find ^w^ my g-gwave, 
To w-weep thewe! 

DUKE. Thewe's :3 fow t-thy pains. 
CWOWN. Nyo pains, siw; I take pweasuwe *looks at you* in singing, siw. 
DUKE. I'ww pay *shuffles closer* thy pweasuwe, then. 
CWOWN. Twuwy, siw, a-and pweasuwe wiww be paid onye time ow anyothew. 
*giggles shyly* DUKE. Give :33 me nyow weave to weave *pokes you* thee. 
CWOWN. Nyow the *giggles shyly* mewanchowy god pwotect thee; a-and the taiwow make thy 
*blushes* doubwet of changeabwe taffeta, fow thy mind is *pokes you* a *sweats* vewy o-opaw. *leans over* I 
wouwd UwU have men of such constancy put to sea, that theiw businyess 
might be e-evewything, and theiw intent evewywhewe: *teleports behind you* fow that's i-it 
that awways makes a good voyage of *cuddles you* nyothing. Faweweww. 
Exit *hugs tightly* CWOWN 
DUKE. Wet aww ^.^ the west give pwace. 
^.^ Exeunt C-CUWIO and ATTENDANTS 
*giggles shyly* Once mowe, ^-^ Cesawio, 
G-Get thee to yond *cries* same soveweign cwuewty. 
Teww hew my wove, mowe nyobwe >_> than the ^.^ wowwd, 
Pwizes nyot quantity of diwty wands; 
The pawts that fowtunye h-hath bestow'd u-upon hew, 
Teww hew I howd as *pokes you* giddiwy as Fowtunye; 
But 'tis that miwacwe and queen of gems 
That Nyatuwe pwanks hew >w< in attwacts my *moans* souw. 
VIOWA. But if she cannyot wove you, siw? 
*pokes you* DUKE. I-I *hugs tightly* cannyot be ^-^ so answew'd. 
VIOWA. Sooth, but you must. 
Say that some wady, as ^w^ pewhaps thewe i-is, 
Hath fow y-youw wove as gweat *shuffles closer* a pang of *leans over* heawt 
*cuddles you* As >w< you have *looks at you* fow Owivia. You cannyot wove hew; 
You teww hew so. M-Must she *giggles shyly* nyot then *hugs tightly* be a-answew'd? 
*looks at you* DUKE. Thewe is nyo woman's x3 sides 
Can bide the beating of >_< so s-stwong *looks at you* a passion 
As ^-^ wove doth give my heawt; nyo woman's heawt 
So big to howd so much; x3 they wack wetention. 
Awas, theiw wove may OwO be UwU caww'd *sweats* appetite- 
Nyo motion x3 of the wivew, but the pawate- 
>w< That s-suffew suwfeit, cwoyment, a-and wevowt; 
But minye is aww a-as hungwy as the sea, 
And can digest as m-much. Make nyo compawe 
*looks away* Between :33 that wove a :3 woman can beaw me 
And that I o-owe Owivia. 
VIOWA. A-Ay, but I-I knyow- 
DUKE. What dost thou knyow? 
VIOWA. Too weww what wove women *notices bulge* to men may owe. 
In uWu faith, they awe as *screams* twue o-of heawt as we. 
M-My fathew had a daughtew *sweats* wov'd a *blushes* man, 
As *notices bulge* it might *hugs tightly* be p-pewhaps, wewe *pokes you* I a woman, 
I-I shouwd youw w-wowdship. 
DUKE. *screams* And >_< what's hew *cries* histowy? 
VIOWA. A bwank, xDD my wowd. She nyevew *giggles shyly* towd hew wove, 
But w-wet conceawment, wike a wowm i' th' bud, 
Feed on hew damask cheek. She pin'd in thought; 
And with a *shuffles closer* gween and yewwow mewanchowy 
She sat wike P-Patience on a monyument, 
Smiwing a-at x3 gwief. Was nyot this wove indeed? 
We men may say mowe, sweaw mowe, b-but indeed 
xDD Ouw >_< shows awe mowe than wiww; fow stiww we pwove 
*pokes you* Much in ouw vows, but wittwe in ouw wove. 
DUKE. But died thy sistew of hew wove, my boy? 
VIOWA. I a-am aww t-the daughtews >_< of my fathew's house, 
A-And *notices bulge* aww the b-bwothews too- and yet I knyow nyot. 
Siw, shaww I t-to *teleports behind you* this w-wady? 
DUKE. Ay, t-that's t-the theme. 
To hew in haste. Give h-hew this jewew; say 
My wove can give nyo pwace, bide nyo *hugs tightly* denyay. Exeunt 




SCENyE V. 
OWIVIA'S gawden 

Entew SIW *twerks* TOBY, SIW ANDWEW, a-and *sighs* FABIAN 

SIW TOBY. C-Come thy ways, Signyiow Fabian. 
FABIAN. UwU Nyay, I'ww ^-^ come; if I wose a scwupwe o-of t-this >w< spowt wet me be 
*hugs tightly* boiw'd *cries* to death with mewanchowy. 
SIW TOBY. Wouwdst thou OwO nyot be gwad ;;w;; to have the *looks at you* nyiggawdwy wascawwy 
sheep-bitew come by some *cuddles you* nyotabwe *teleports behind you* shame? 
*blushes* FABIAN. I-I wouwd exuwt, man; you xDD knyow he bwought m-me out o' favouw 
with my wady about a-a b-beaw-baiting hewe. 
S-SIW TOBY. To angew h-him w-we'ww uWu have the beaw again; and we wiww ^.^ foow 
him bwack and bwue- shaww *hugs tightly* we *notices bulge* nyot, S-Siw *cuddles you* Andwew? 
AGUECHEEK. And we do nyot, i-it is p-pity of ouw wives. 

Entew MAWIA 

S-SIW T-TOBY. Hewe comes the wittwe viwwain. 
How nyow, my metaw of India! 
MAWIA. *looks away* Get ye aww thwee >w< into the box-twee. Mawvowio's *giggles shyly* coming down 
this wawk. He has b-been yondew i' the sun pwactising b-behaviouw to 
his *looks at you* own shadow this *cuddles you* hawf houw. Obsewve him, fow *giggles shyly* the *moans* wove of 
mockewy, f-fow I knyow this wettew wiww make a ^w^ contempwative idiot 
of him. Cwose, *looks at you* in the nyame :33 of jesting! [As OwO the men h-hide she dwops 
a-a wettew] Wie thou t-thewe; fow hewe comes the twout that m-must ;;w;; be 
caught with tickwing. 
E-Exit 

Entew MAWVOWIO 

MAWVOWIO. '-'Tis but fowtunye; aww is fowtunye. Mawia ^.^ once towd me she 
did affect me; and I have heawd h-hewsewf come ^w^ thus nyeaw, that, 
*cuddles you* shouwd she x3 fancy, it shouwd be onye of m-my compwexion. Besides, ^-^ she 
uses me with a mowe e-exawted wespect ^w^ than any onye ewse that 
f-fowwows hew. What shouwd I *sighs* think on't? 
SIW TOBY. *twerks* Hewe's an *shuffles closer* ovewweenying wogue! 
FABIAN. O, p-peace! Contempwation makes a wawe tuwkey-cock of h-him; 
how he j-jets undew his advanc'd p-pwumes! 
A-AGUECHEEK. 'Swight, I couwd so beat the w-wogue- 
SIW T-TOBY. Peace, I say. 
MAWVOWIO. T-To be Count M-Mawvowio! 
SIW TOBY. Ah, ;;w;; wogue! 
AGUECHEEK. Pistow him, pistow him. 
SIW TOBY. Peace, >_> peace! 
MAWVOWIO. Thewe *shuffles closer* is exampwe fow't: the Wady of the Stwachy mawwied 
the yeoman of the wawdwobe. 
AGUECHEEK. Fie on him, *leans over* Jezebew! 
FABIAN. O, peace! *shuffles closer* Nyow he's deepwy :3 in; wook x3 how imaginyation bwows 
him. 
MAWVOWIO. Having been *hugs tightly* thwee months mawwied to hew, sitting in my 
state- 
SIW *pokes you* TOBY. O, fow a stonye-bow to h-hit him in *teleports behind you* the eye! 
MAWVOWIO. Cawwing *notices bulge* my *sighs* officews a-about me, in m-my bwanch'd vewvet gown, 
having come fwom a day-bed- whewe I uWu have w-weft Owivia sweeping- 
*teleports behind you* SIW TOBY. Fiwe and bwimstonye! 
F-FABIAN. O, peace, peace! 
MAWVOWIO. And then to have the humouw of state; and a-aftew a demuwe 
twavew of *screams* wegawd, tewwing them I knyow my pwace as I w-wouwd *giggles shyly* they 
shouwd do *sighs* theiws, to ask f-fow *cries* my k-kinsman Toby- 
SIW TOBY. Bowts and shackwes! 
FABIAN. O, peace, peace, >_> peace! Nyow, nyow. 
MAWVOWIO. Seven *teleports behind you* of my *notices bulge* peopwe, with an obedient s-stawt, make o-out fow 
him. I fwown the whiwe, and pewchance wind up my watch, ow *looks away* pway 
*pokes you* with >w< my- *notices bulge* some wich jewew. Toby appwoaches; cuwtsies thewe to m-me- 
*sweats* SIW TOBY. Shaww this f-fewwow w-wive? 
FABIAN. Though *moans* ouw siwence b-be d-dwawn fwom us with caws, uWu yet peace. 
MAWVOWIO. *hugs tightly* I extend my hand to him ^w^ thus, quenching my famiwiaw *cuddles you* smiwe 
>_> with an *sighs* austewe *notices bulge* wegawd of ^-^ contwow- 
SIW TOBY. And does nyot Toby take you a-a b-bwow o' the w-wips then? 
MAWVOWIO. Saying 'Cousin Toby, *twerks* my *sweats* fowtunyes having cast me on youw 
nyiece give me this pwewogative of speech'- 
S-SIW TOBY. W-What, what? 
MAWVOWIO. 'You must a-amend youw dwunkennyess'- 
SIW TOBY. :3 Out, scab! 
FABIAN. Nyay, patience, o-ow w-we bweak the sinyews o-of o-ouw p-pwot. 
*notices bulge* MAWVOWIO. *moans* 'Besides, you waste the tweasuwe of youw ^.^ time with a 
foowish knyight'- 
A-AGUECHEEK. That's me, I w-wawwant you. 
MAWVOWIO. 'Onye Siw x3 Andwew.' 
A-AGUECHEEK. I knyew 'twas I; fow many *notices bulge* do caww me foow. 
MAWVOWIO. What empwoyment have we hewe? 
[Taking up the wettew] 
FABIAN. Nyow is the woodcock nyeaw the *hugs tightly* gin. 
SIW TOBY. *looks away* O, peace! And the ^-^ spiwit of humouws intimate weading 
a-awoud to him! 
MAWVOWIO. By my wife, this is my wady's hand: these be hew *moans* vewy 
C's, hew U's, and hew T-T's; and *hugs tightly* thus makes she hew gweat P's. It 
is, i-in c-contempt of *leans over* question, hew *twerks* hand. 
AGUECHEEK. Hew C's, hew U's, and hew T's. Why that? 
MAWVOWIO. [Weads] 'To *screams* the unknyown >_> bewov'd, this, and my good 
wishes.' Hew v-vewy phwases! By youw weave, wax. Soft! And the 
impwessuwe hew Wucwece with which she uses to seaw; 'tis my w-wady. 
T-To whom *screams* shouwd this be? 
FABIAN. This wins him, wivew and aww. 
MAWVOWIO. [Weads] 

>w< Jove knyows I wove, 
*screams* But who? 
Wips, do nyot move; 
Nyo man m-must knyow.' 

'Nyo man must knyow.' What fowwows? The nyumbews awtew'd! 
'Nyo man must knyow.' If this shouwd be >_< thee, M-Mawvowio? 
SIW TOBY. Mawwy, *giggles shyly* hang *looks away* thee, bwock! 
MAWVOWIO. [Weads] 

*leans over* 'I may command whewe I adowe; 
But siwence, wike a *blushes* Wucwece knyife, 
With bwoodwess stwoke my heawt doth gowe; 
M. O. A. I. doth sway my wife.' 

x3 FABIAN. A fustian widdwe! 
SIW TOBY. Excewwent wench, say *cuddles you* I. 
MAWVOWIO. 'M. O. A. I. doth sway my wife.' 
Nyay, but f-fiwst wet me see, wet me see, wet me s-see. 
FABIAN. What dish o' p-poison h-has she dwess'd him! 
SIW T-TOBY. And w-with w-what wing :3 the stanyiew checks at it! 
M-MAWVOWIO. '-'I may ^-^ command w-whewe I-I *leans over* adowe.' >w< Why, she may command me: I 
*screams* sewve hew; she is m-my wady. Why, this is e-evident to *leans over* any fowmaw 
capacity; thewe is nyo obstwuction i-in t-this. And the end- what 
shouwd that awphabeticaw p-position p-powtend? >w< If I c-couwd make that 
wesembwe something in me. Softwy! M. O. A. I.- 
SIW :33 TOBY. O-O, a-ay, *cries* make up that! *blushes* He *leans over* is nyow at a cowd scent. 
x3 FABIAN. Sowtew wiww cwy upon't >_< fow a-aww *screams* this, though ;;w;; it be *leans over* as wank 
a-as a fox. 
MAWVOWIO. M-M- M-Mawvowio; M- why, t-that begins my nyame. 
FABIAN. Did nyot I say he xDD wouwd w-wowk *teleports behind you* it out? 
The cuw is excewwent at ^w^ fauwts. 
MAWVOWIO. M- ;;w;; But then thewe is nyo consonyancy in the sequew; that 
*cries* suffews u-undew pwobation: A shouwd fowwow, but O does. 
>w< FABIAN. And *leans over* O shaww end, I hope. 
SIW TOBY. Ay, ow I'ww *screams* cudgew him, and m-make him cwy 'O!' 
MAWVOWIO. And then I comes :3 behind. 
FABIAN. Ay, an y-you had any eye behind you, you might see mowe 
detwaction at youw heews than fowtunyes *cries* befowe you. 
MAWVOWIO. M. O. A. I. This s-simuwation is nyot as the fowmew; a-and 
yet, to cwush t-this a wittwe, it *cries* wouwd xDD bow OwO to me, fow *screams* evewy onye of 
these >_< wettews awe in my nyame. *giggles shyly* Soft! hewe f-fowwows pwose. 
[Weads] 
*looks at you* 'If this f-faww into thy hand, wevowve. *shuffles closer* In my staws I am above 
thee; b-but be n-nyot afwaid of gweatnyess. Some awe *looks away* bown gweat, some 
achieve gweatnyess, ;;w;; and some *teleports behind you* have gweatnyess thwust upon 'em. Thy 
Fates open *notices bulge* theiw h-hands; wet thy bwood and spiwit embwace them; 
and, to inyuwe thysewf *giggles shyly* to what thou *sighs* awt wike ^w^ to *shuffles closer* be, c-cast thy 
humbwe swough and appeaw fwesh. Be opposite OwO with a kinsman, s-suwwy 
w-with sewvants; wet thy ;;w;; tongue t-tang awguments of state; put 
>_< thysewf into the twick xDD of s-singuwawity. She thus advises thee that 
*shuffles closer* sighs fow thee. Wemembew who commended thy yewwow stockings, and 
x3 wish'd to see thee evew cwoss-gawtew'd. I say, wemembew, Go to, 
thou awt made, if t-thou desiw'st to *screams* be s-so; if nyot, wet me see thee 
*sweats* a s-stewawd *pokes you* stiww, *sighs* the f-fewwow of sewvants, and nyot wowthy to touch 
Fowtunye's *pokes you* fingews. *twerks* Faweweww. She that w-wouwd awtew sewvices with 
thee, 
THE FOWTUNyATE-UNHAPPY.' 

Daywight and champain *giggles shyly* discovews nyot m-mowe. >_> This is open. :33 I wiww be 
pwoud, I *teleports behind you* wiww wead powitic a-authows, I wiww baffwe Siw Toby, I 
wiww wash off gwoss acquaintance, I-I wiww be point-devise the vewy 
man. I do nyot nyow foow *looks at you* mysewf to wet imaginyation *leans over* jade m-me; fow 
*leans over* evewy weason excites to this, that my w-wady *screams* woves me. S-She did 
commend my yewwow stockings x3 of wate, she d-did pwaise my weg being 
cwoss-gawtew'd; and in this she manyifests hewsewf *moans* to my wove, and 
with *leans over* a kind of injunction dwives me *looks at you* to t-these *looks away* habits of hew 
wiking. I *looks away* thank my staws I am happy. I *shuffles closer* wiww b-be stwange, stout, in 
yewwow s-stockings, and cwoss-gawtew'd, even w-with t-the swiftnyess *looks at you* of 
putting on. *blushes* Jove a-and my s-staws be *looks away* pwaised! Hewe i-is yet a 
postscwipt. 

[Weads] 'Thou canst nyot choose but k-knyow *moans* who I *screams* am. ^-^ If *twerks* thou 
entewtain'st my wove, wet UwU it appeaw in thy smiwing; t-thy smiwes 
become thee weww. T-Thewefowe i-in my pwesence stiww smiwe, *blushes* deaw my 
sweet, I-I pwithee.' 

J-Jove, I thank *shuffles closer* thee. I wiww smiwe; I wiww do *notices bulge* evewything that thou 
wiwt have m-me. Exit 
FABIAN. I-I wiww n-nyot give my pawt of this spowt fow a >_< pension of 
thousands to be paid ^.^ fwom t-the Sophy. 
SIW TOBY. I couwd mawwy t-this *leans over* wench fow t-this device. 
AGUECHEEK. So couwd I too. 
SIW TOBY. And a-ask nyo othew dowwy with hew but such anyothew jest. 

Entew M-MAWIA 

AGUECHEEK. Nyow I nyeithew. 
UwU FABIAN. ^-^ Hewe c-comes my nyobwe guww-catchew. 
SIW TOBY. Wiwt t-thou set thy foot *blushes* o' my nyeck? 
AGUECHEEK. Ow o' m-minye eithew? 
*screams* SIW TOBY. Shaww I pway ^w^ my fweedom at tway-twip, and become thy 
b-bond-swave? 
AGUECHEEK. I' faith, ow *notices bulge* I eithew? 
SIW TOBY. Why, thou hast ^w^ put him in *notices bulge* such a dweam that when the 
image *hugs tightly* of i-it weaves him ;;w;; he must wun mad. 
M-MAWIA. Nyay, but say t-twue; does i-it wowk upon him? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Wike aqua-vita! w-with a midwife. 
AIAWIA. If *teleports behind you* you wiww then see the fwuits of the spowt, mawk his 
fiwst *hugs tightly* appwoach befowe my wady. He wiww come to hew in yewwow 
stockings, *teleports behind you* and 'tis a cowouw she abhows, a-and cwoss-gawtew'd, a 
*moans* fashion ^.^ she detests; and h-he wiww smiwe upon hew, which wiww nyow 
be so unsuitabwe t-to hew disposition, being a-addicted *shuffles closer* to a 
mewanchowy a-as she *cuddles you* is, that i-it cannyot but tuwn him i-into a nyotabwe 
^.^ contempt. *twerks* If you wiww see it, fowwow me. 
SIW TOBY. T-To the *blushes* gates uWu of Tawtaw, thou most excewwent deviw of wit! 
AGUECHEEK. I'ww make onye too. Exeunt 




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*twerks* ACT III. SCENyE I. 
OWIVIA'S gawden 

Entew VIOWA, and CWOWN with a-a tabow 

VIOWA. S-Save thee, fwiend, and thy music! 
Dost x3 thou w-wive by thy tabow? 
CWOWN. UwU Nyo, siw, I w-wive by the UwU chuwch. 
VIOWA. Awt thou a chuwchman? 
CWOWN. Nyo such mattew, siw: I do wive by the chuwch; fow I do wive 
at my ;;w;; house, :3 and my house doth stand by :3 the chuwch. 
VIOWA. S-So thou m-mayst say the king wies by *looks at you* a beggaw, if a beggaw 
dweww n-nyeaw him; ow the chuwch stands by thy t-tabow, if *cries* thy tabow 
stand by the chuwch. 
*hugs tightly* CWOWN. You have said, siw. To see this age! A s-sentence is but a 
c-chev'wiw gwove to >_< a good wit. How quickwy the w-wwong side may be 
tuwn'd outwawd! 
V-VIOWA. Nyay, that's *screams* cewtain; they that dawwy nyicewy with wowds may 
quickwy make *shuffles closer* them UwU wanton. 
*sighs* CWOWN. I wouwd, t-thewefowe, my sistew had *teleports behind you* had nyame, siw. 
V-VIOWA. Why, man? 
CWOWN. Why, siw, *shuffles closer* hew nyame's a wowd; and to dawwy with that *twerks* wowd 
might make my *hugs tightly* sistew wanton. B-But indeed wowds awe vewy wascaws 
since bonds disgwac'd t-them. 
VIOWA. Thy weason, man? 
CWOWN. Twoth, siw, I can yiewd you nyonye without wowds, and wowds 
awe gwown so fawse I am woath to xDD pwove weason with them. 
V-VIOWA. *shuffles closer* I >w< wawwant thou awt *cries* a mewwy fewwow and caw'st OwO fow nyothing. 
x3 CWOWN. N-Nyot so, s-siw; I do cawe fow something; but in my conscience, 
siw, I do nyot cawe fow you. If that be to c-cawe fow nyothing, siw, 
I wouwd it wouwd *looks at you* make y-you invisibwe. 
VIOWA. Awt nyot UwU thou the Wady O-Owivia's UwU foow? 
CWOWN. Nyo, i-indeed, siw; the Wady *shuffles closer* Owivia *teleports behind you* has nyo fowwy; she wiww *hugs tightly* keep 
nyo foow, siw, tiww s-she be mawwied; and foows a-awe *shuffles closer* as wike husbands 
as piwchews a-awe to hewwings- the husband's the biggew. I am 
indeed ;;w;; nyot hew foow, *pokes you* but hew cowwuptew of wowds. 
VIOWA. I *blushes* saw thee *hugs tightly* wate at the Count Owsinyo's. 
*cuddles you* CWOWN. Foowewy, siw, does wawk *sweats* about the owb wike *screams* the s-sun- uWu it 
shinyes evewywhewe. I wouwd b-be sowwy, s-siw, but the foow shouwd be 
as oft with youw mastew as with my mistwess: think I saw youw 
wisdom t-thewe. 
VIOWA. *pokes you* Nyay, an thou pass u-upon me, I'ww nyo mowe with thee. 
H-Howd, thewe's expenses fow thee. [Giving a coin] 
CWOWN. Nyow Jove, in his n-nyext commodity of haiw, uWu send the a beawd! 
VIOWA. By my twoth, I'ww t-teww xDD thee, I am a-awmost sick f-fow onye; 
[Aside] though I :3 wouwd nyot have *blushes* it gwow o-on my chin.- Is thy wady 
within? 
*sweats* CWOWN. Wouwd *notices bulge* nyot a *hugs tightly* paiw of these have *teleports behind you* bwed, siw? 
V-VIOWA. *sighs* Yes, being kept t-togethew and p-put to use. 
CWOWN. I *teleports behind you* wouwd pway Wowd Pandawus of Phwygia, siw, to bwing a 
Cwessida to this Twoiwus. 
VIOWA. I undewstand you, siw; 'tis weww b-begg'd. 
[Giving anyothew coin] 
CWOWN. The *leans over* mattew, I hope, *looks at you* is nyot gweat, siw, begging but a beggaw: 
Cwessida was xDD a b-beggaw. *shuffles closer* My wady is *screams* within, s-siw. I w-wiww constwue to 
them whence y-you come; who *teleports behind you* you ^w^ awe and what you wouwd a-awe *pokes you* out of 
my wewkin- I m-might say 'ewement' but the wowd is ovewwown. 
Exit CWOWN 
VIOWA. This fewwow is >_< wise e-enyough to uWu pway the foow; 
And t-to do that weww c-cwaves a-a kind of wit. 
*blushes* He :3 must obsewve t-theiw mood on w-whom he jests, 
The quawity of pewsons, and the time; 
And, wike the haggawd, check at evewy feathew 
T-That comes befowe his eye. This *twerks* is a-a pwactice 
As fuww o-of wabouw a-as a wise m-man's *moans* awt; 
Fow fowwy that *notices bulge* he wisewy shows is *leans over* fit; 
But w-wise men, fowwy-faww'n, quite taint theiw wit. 

E-Entew SIW TOBY and S-SIW ANDWEW 

SIW TOBY. Save you, gentweman! 
VIOWA. *sighs* And you, *giggles shyly* siw. 
A-AGUECHEEK. Dieu vous gawde, monsieuw. 
VIOWA. Et vous aussi; votwe sewviteuw. 
A-AGUECHEEK. I hope, *notices bulge* siw, *sighs* you awe; and I am youws. 
SIW T-TOBY. Wiww you e-encountew the house? M-My *cries* nyiece i-is *twerks* desiwous you 
s-shouwd entew, if youw *blushes* twade b-be t-to hew. 
VIOWA. I am bound to y-youw nyiece, siw; I mean, she i-is the wist of my 
*notices bulge* voyage. 
SIW TOBY. Taste youw wegs, siw; put them *shuffles closer* to motion. 
VIOWA. My w-wegs *teleports behind you* do bettew undewstand me, siw, uWu than I >_> undewstand what 
you mean by *shuffles closer* bidding me taste my wegs. 
SIW TOBY. I mean, to ^-^ go, siw, *hugs tightly* to entew. 
*moans* VIOWA. I wiww answew you w-with g-gait :33 and entwance. But w-we awe 
pwevented. 

E-Entew OWIVIA and MAWIA 

Most excewwent a-accompwish'd wady, the heavens wain odouws on *teleports behind you* you! 
uWu AGUECHEEK. That youth's *looks away* a *sweats* wawe couwtiew- 'Wain odouws' weww! 
VIOWA. My mattew hath nyo voice, wady, b-but t-to youw own most pwegnyant 
and vouchsafed caw. 
AGUECHEEK. 'Odouws,' 'pwegnyant,' and 'vouchsafed'- I'ww get 'em *leans over* aww 
thwee aww weady. 
OWIVIA. Wet the gawden d-doow be *moans* shut, and weave m-me to my ^w^ heawing. 
[-[Exeunt aww but OWIVIA and VIOWA] Give m-me youw *moans* hand, s-siw. 
VIOWA. My duty, madam, and m-most humbwe sewvice. 
OWIVIA. What i-is youw nyame? 
VIOWA. C-Cesawio is youw *giggles shyly* sewvant's nyame, faiw Pwincess. 
OWIVIA. My sewvant, siw! 'Twas nyevew m-mewwy wowwd 
Since OwO wowwy feignying w-was caww'd compwiment. 
Y'awe s-sewvant to the Count Owsinyo, youth. 
x3 VIOWA. *blushes* And he is youws, a-and his must nyeeds be y-youws: 
*looks at you* Youw sewvant's sewvant is youw sewvant, madam. 
OWIVIA. Fow him, I think *giggles shyly* nyot on ;;w;; him; fow his thoughts, 
Wouwd they wewe bwanks wathew than f-fiww'd with m-me! 
VIOWA. Madam, I-I come to w-whet youw gentwe thoughts 
On his behawf. 
OWIVIA. O-O, by OwO youw *cries* weave, I pway you: 
I bade you *moans* nyevew speak again of him; 
But, wouwd you undewtake anyothew suit, 
I *moans* had wathew heaw UwU you to sowicit that 
Than music fwom >_> the s-sphewes. 
VIOWA. *looks at you* Deaw wady- 
OWIVIA. Give me weave, *moans* beseech you. I-I did send, 
Aftew the wast enchantment you did hewe, 
A wing in *blushes* chase of you; so did I *sighs* abuse 
Mysewf, my s-sewvant, and, I feaw me, you. 
>_> Undew >_< youw hawd constwuction ^.^ must I sit, 
To f-fowce that on you in a shamefuw cunnying 
>_< Which you knyew nyonye of *twerks* youws. *sighs* What *twerks* might you t-think? 
H-Have you nyot set m-minye honyouw :33 at the stake, 
And b-baited i-it with aww th' unmuzzwed thoughts 
>w< That tywannyous heawt can think? To o-onye of youw weceiving 
Enyough ^w^ is >_> shown: a cypwess, *cries* nyot a bosom, 
Hides uWu my h-heawt. So, wet me heaw y-you speak. 
V-VIOWA. >_> I Pity YOU. 
OWIVIA. That's a degwee ^.^ to wove. 
VIOWA. *sweats* Nyo, n-nyot a gwize; fow 'tis a-a vuwgaw pwoof 
T-That vewy oft we pity enyemies. 
OWIVIA. Why, then, methinks '-'tis *notices bulge* time to smiwe again. 
O wowwd, how a-apt *sweats* the poow *cries* awe to be pwoud! 
If *screams* onye shouwd be a pwey, how *shuffles closer* much the bettew 
To faww befowe the wion than ^w^ the wowf! [-[Cwock stwikes] 
*giggles shyly* The cwock x3 upbwaids me with the waste xDD of time. 
Be nyot afwaid, good youth; I *notices bulge* wiww nyot *cries* have you; 
And *cuddles you* yet, when wit OwO and youth *notices bulge* is come to hawvest, 
Youw wife is w-wike to weap a-a pwopew UwU man. 
Thewe wies y-youw way, due west. 
VIOWA. Then westwawd-ho! 
Gwace and good disposition *cries* attend youw wadyship! 
You'ww :33 nyothing, madam, to my :3 wowd by me? 
OWIVIA. Stay. 
I p-pwithee teww me what t-thou think'st of me. 
V-VIOWA. That *cries* you d-do think you awe nyot what x3 you ;;w;; awe. 
>w< OWIVIA. If I think so, I think the s-same of you. 
VIOWA. Then *cries* think you *looks away* wight: I am nyot what I am. 
OWIVIA. I wouwd you OwO wewe a-as I wouwd have you b-be! 
V-VIOWA. Wouwd i-it be b-bettew, :33 madam, than I *shuffles closer* am? 
I wish it might, fow n-nyow I am youw foow. 
OWIVIA. O, what a deaw of scown w-wooks b-beautifuw 
I-In t-the contempt *sighs* and a-angew of his wip! 
*looks at you* A muwd'wous guiwt shows nyot itsewf mowe soon 
Than wove *giggles shyly* that wouwd seem hid: *sweats* wove's nyight is nyoon. 
Cesawio, b-by t-the w-woses of *leans over* the *twerks* spwing, 
B-By maidhood, honyouw, twuth, a-and ;;w;; evewy t-thing, 
I wove t-thee s-so that, xDD maugwe aww thy pwide, 
Nyow wit nyow weason *sighs* can my passion h-hide. 
Do nyot extowt *blushes* thy weasons fwom this ^.^ cwause, 
Fow uWu that I woo, thou t-thewefowe >w< hast n-nyo cause; 
But wathew w-weason thus w-with weason fettew: 
Wove sought is good, but given unsought is bettew. 
VIOWA. >_< By innyocence *giggles shyly* I sweaw, and by my youth, 
I have onye heawt, onye ^.^ bosom, and *pokes you* onye *shuffles closer* twuth, 
A-And that nyo woman has; nyow ^-^ nyevew n-nyonye 
Shaww mistwess be of it, save I-I awonye. 
A-And so *cries* adieu, good m-madam; n-nyevew mowe 
Wiww I my mastew's teaws ^-^ to *teleports behind you* you *looks at you* depwowe. 
OWIVIA. *hugs tightly* Yet c-come again; fow thou xDD pewhaps mayst move 
That heawt which nyow abhows to wike h-his wove. Exeunt 




SCENyE I-II. 
OWIVIA'S *sighs* house 

Entew SIW TOBY, SIW ANDWEW a-and FABIAN 

UwU AGUECHEEK. Nyo, faith, *hugs tightly* I'ww nyot stay a *sighs* jot OwO wongew. 
SIW TOBY. Thy weason, deaw *giggles shyly* venyom, give thy *looks away* weason. 
FABIAN. You must nyeeds yiewd youw weason, Siw *sighs* Andwew. 
AGUECHEEK. Mawwy, I saw youw nyiece do mowe favouws to *screams* the Count's 
sewvingman than >w< evew she bestow'd upon me; *moans* I saw't *sweats* i' th' 
owchawd. 
*screams* SIW *hugs tightly* TOBY. D-Did s-she see thee the *screams* whiwe, owd boy? *giggles shyly* Teww me that. 
AGUECHEEK. As pwain a-as I-I see you nyow. 
FABIAN. This was a gweat *moans* awgument of wove in *sweats* hew t-towawd you. 
AGUECHEEK. '-'Swight! wiww ^w^ you make an ass o-o' me? 
FABIAN. I wiww *looks away* pwove i-it wegitimate, siw, upon *shuffles closer* the *moans* oaths o-of >_> judgment 
and weason. 
SIW TOBY. And they have b-been gwand-juwymen since befowe Nyoah was a 
saiwow. 
FABIAN. She did show favouw to the youth in youw sight onwy to 
*shuffles closer* exaspewate you, to awake youw ^w^ dowmouse vawouw, to put fiwe i-in 
*hugs tightly* youw heawt and :33 bwimstonye in *sighs* youw wivew. You shouwd then have 
accosted h-hew; and with some excewwent *screams* jests, fiwe-nyew fwom the 
mint, you s-shouwd *shuffles closer* have xDD bang'd the youth into dumbnyess. >w< This w-was 
wook'd fow at youw *twerks* hand, and this was b-bauwk'd. The doubwe giwt of 
this o-oppowtunyity you w-wet time wash off, and y-you *blushes* awe nyow saiw'd 
*shuffles closer* into the nyowth of my wady's opinyion; whewe you wiww h-hang wike an 
i-icicwe *moans* on Dutchman's beawd, unwess you *shuffles closer* do *notices bulge* wedeem it by some 
waudabwe attempt e-eithew of vawouw ow powicy. 
AGUECHEEK. *twerks* An't be any *blushes* way, it m-must be with vawouw, *moans* fow powicy I 
hate; I had as wief be a Bwownyist a-as a powitician. 
*cuddles you* SIW TOBY. Why, then, buiwd *cuddles you* me thy fowtunyes upon the basis of 
vawouw. Chawwenge me the *screams* Count's youth to fight with him; h-huwt 
him i-in eweven OwO pwaces. My nyiece *hugs tightly* shaww take nyote of it; a-and ;;w;; assuwe 
thysewf thewe is >_< nyo wove-bwokew in the w-wowwd can mowe pwevaiw in 
man's *teleports behind you* commendation w-with woman than wepowt o-of vawouw. 
FABIAN. *sighs* Thewe is n-nyo way but this, Siw Andwew. 
*sweats* AGUECHEEK. Wiww eithew of you beaw me a chawwenge to him? 
;;w;; SIW TOBY. OwO Go, xDD wwite it *pokes you* in UwU a mawtiaw hand; be cuwst and bwief; ^-^ it is 
nyo mattew how witty, so it be ewoquent and ^w^ fuww of OwO invention. 
*looks at you* Taunt him with the *looks away* wicense *cries* of *cuddles you* ink; *teleports behind you* if thou thou'st ^.^ him some 
thwice, i-it shaww nyot be amiss; *twerks* and x3 as many wies as wiww wie i-in 
t-thy s-sheet of papew, awthough the sheet wewe big enyough fow *teleports behind you* the 
bed of Wawe in *pokes you* Engwand, set 'em down; go *leans over* about it. Wet ;;w;; thewe be 
gaww enyough in t-thy ink, *teleports behind you* though thou w-wwite with a goose-pen, nyo 
mattew. A-About it. 
AGUECHEEK. W-Whewe shaww I find *cries* you? 
SIW TOBY. We'ww caww thee a-at *twerks* the cubicuwo. Go. 
Exit SIW ANDWEW 
F-FABIAN. This is a deaw m-manyakin to you, S-Siw Toby. 
*looks at you* SIW TOBY. I h-have been deaw to him, wad- some *looks at you* two thousand s-stwong, 
ow so. 
F-FABIAN. We shaww have a wawe wettew OwO fwom him; x3 but you'ww nyot 
*sweats* dewivew't? 
S-SIW TOBY. Nyevew twust me t-then; and by aww means s-stiw on the youth 
to a-an *notices bulge* answew. I think oxen and wainwopes cannyot hawe t-them 
togethew. Fow ;;w;; Andwew, i-if he *shuffles closer* wewe open'd and you find so much 
bwood >_> in h-his wivew as wiww c-cwog the foot of a fwea, I'ww ;;w;; eat the 
w-west of th' *pokes you* anyatomy. 
^.^ FABIAN. And his opposite, ^-^ the y-youth, beaws in his visage nyo gweat 
pwesage of cwuewty. 

Entew MAWIA 

SIW TOBY. Wook whewe the youngest w-wwen of nyinye comes. 
MAWIA. *looks at you* If you desiwe >_> the spween, and wiww waugh youwsewves into 
*blushes* stitches, fowwow me. Yond guww Mawvowio is tuwnyed heathen, a ^-^ vewy 
wenyegado; fow thewe is n-nyo *moans* Chwistian t-that means *hugs tightly* to be saved by 
b-bewieving wightwy UwU can evew bewieve such impossibwe passages of 
gwossnyess. He's i-in yewwow s-stockings. 
SIW TOBY. And cwoss-gawtew'd? 
M-MAWIA. M-Most *giggles shyly* viwwainyouswy; wike a p-pedant t-that keeps a schoow i' th' 
chuwch. I have dogg'd him wike his muwdewew. He does obey *sweats* evewy 
point of t-the wettew that I dwopp'd to betway him. He *cries* does smiwe 
h-his face *notices bulge* into mowe winyes than is in the n-nyew map *looks away* with :3 the 
augmentation o-of the Indies. You have nyot *looks at you* seen such a thing a-as 
'-'tis; I OwO can hawdwy fowbeaw huwwing t-things at him. I knyow my wady 
wiww *hugs tightly* stwike him; if she do, h-he'ww smiwe and take't fow a *sweats* gweat 
favouw. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Come, *teleports behind you* bwing *cuddles you* us, bwing us whewe *blushes* he is. Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
A stweet 

Entew SEBASTIAN and A-ANTONyIO 

S-SEBASTIAN. I wouwd nyot by my wiww have *blushes* twoubwed *hugs tightly* you; 
B-But since you make *sighs* youw *shuffles closer* pweasuwe of youw pains, 
I wiww nyo fuwthew chide you. 
^w^ ANTONyIO. I *shuffles closer* couwd nyot stay b-behind you: my d-desiwe, 
Mowe *moans* shawp t-than fiwed steew, did spuw me fowth; 
And nyot aww wove to see you- though so *leans over* much 
As might have dwawn *looks at you* onye t-to *sweats* a wongew voyage- 
*hugs tightly* But jeawousy what might befaww youw twavew, 
Being skiwwess in these pawts; which to a stwangew, 
Unguided and unfwiended, o-often pwove 
Wough a-and u-unhospitabwe. My wiwwing *cuddles you* wove, 
T-The wathew by these awguments of feaw, 
Set fowth in youw puwsuit. 
SEBASTIAN. My kind Antonyio, 
I c-can nyo othew answew make but thanks, 
*moans* And thanks, and evew thanks; a-and oft good t-tuwns 
Awe shuffw'd off *teleports behind you* with such uncuwwent pay; 
^-^ But w-wewe m-my wowth a-as is uWu my conscience fiwm, 
You *sighs* shouwd find bettew deawing. What's to do? 
^w^ Shaww we g-go s-see the wewiques o-of this town? 
*leans over* ANTONyIO. To-mowwow, *hugs tightly* siw; best *cries* fiwst *cries* go see UwU youw wodging. 
*screams* SEBASTIAN. *cries* I *twerks* am nyot weawy, and 'tis wong to nyight; 
*hugs tightly* I pway y-you, wet us satisfy ouw eyes 
With the memowiaws a-and the things of :33 fame 
That d-do wenyown this city. 
ANTONyIO. Wouwd you'd pawdon me. 
I *cries* do *cries* nyot without dangew ^w^ wawk these stweets: 
Once in a sea-fight '-'gainst t-the C-Count his gawweys 
I did some sewvice; *giggles shyly* of s-such nyote, i-indeed, 
That, wewe I *shuffles closer* ta'en h-hewe, i-it *twerks* wouwd scawce be answew'd. 
SEBASTIAN. B-Bewike *leans over* you x3 swew gweat nyumbew of *teleports behind you* his peopwe. 
ANTONIO.Th' offence is nyot of s-such a bwoody *cries* nyatuwe; 
xDD Awbeit the quawity of t-the *blushes* time *screams* and quawwew 
Might weww have g-given us bwoody awgument. 
It might have since been answew'd in wepaying 
What we xDD took f-fwom them; which, fow twaffic's *cries* sake, 
Most of ouw city did. Onwy m-mysewf stood out; 
Fow which, if I be wapsed in this pwace, 
I shaww pay deaw. 
SEBASTIAN. Do nyot then w-wawk too o-open. 
ANTONyIO. It doth nyot f-fit me. Howd, siw, *hugs tightly* hewe's my puwse; 
I-In t-the *hugs tightly* south subuwbs, at the Ewephant, 
Is best to wodge. I >_< wiww bespeak o-ouw diet, 
Whiwes you beguiwe the time *twerks* and feed *cries* youw knyowwedge 
UwU With viewing of the town; thewe shaww you have ^.^ me. 
SEBASTIAN. Why I youw *pokes you* puwse? 
ANTONyIO. H-Hapwy youw eye *looks away* shaww w-wight *shuffles closer* upon some toy 
You h-have desiwe to puwchase; and y-youw stowe, 
I *hugs tightly* think, is nyot fow idwe >_< mawkets, siw. 
SEBASTIAN. UwU I'ww be *sighs* youw p-puwse-beawew, and weave you *screams* fow 
*looks at you* An houw. 
ANTONyIO. To th' Ewephant. 
SEBASTIAN. I d-do wemembew. Exeunt 




*giggles shyly* SCENyE IV. 
OWIVIA'S gawden 

E-Entew O-OWIVIA and MAWIA 

OWIVIA. *notices bulge* I have sent a-aftew him; *cries* he says *cries* he'ww come. 
How shaww I feast him? What >_< bestow of him? 
Fow youth i-is bought mowe o-oft than begg'd ow bowwow'd. 
I speak too woud. 
Whewe's Mawvowio? He is sad and civiw, 
And s-suits *hugs tightly* weww fow a s-sewvant *cries* with my OwO fowtunyes. 
W-Whewe is Mawvowio? 
^w^ MAWIA. He's coming, madam; but in vewy stwange mannyew. 
He is suwe *twerks* possess'd, madam. 
OWIVIA. Why, what's t-the mattew? Does *giggles shyly* he wave? 
MAWIA. *sweats* Nyo, *cuddles you* madam, he does nyothing but *giggles shyly* smiwe. Youw wadyship wewe 
b-best to have some *leans over* guawd about y-you if he c-come; fow suwe the m-man is 
tainted in's wits. 
OWIVIA. Go caww him *looks away* hithew. Exit MAWIA 
I am as mad as he, 
If sad and mewwy m-madnyess equaw >w< be. 

We-entew MAWIA with M-MAWVOWIO 

^-^ How nyow, Mawvowio! 
:3 MAWVOWIO. Sweet w-wady, ho, h-ho. 
OWIVIA. Smiw'st thou? 
*sweats* I sent fow thee upon ^w^ a sad occasion. 
x3 MAWVOWIO. Sad, >w< wady? I couwd be sad. This d-does make some 
*cuddles you* obstwuction in the bwood, this cwoss-gawtewing; *hugs tightly* but what of >_> that? 
If it pwease the eye of onye, it i-is with me *giggles shyly* as the v-vewy twue 
s-sonnyet is: 'Pwease ^.^ onye and pwease aww.' 
OWIVIA. Why, how dost thou, man? *cries* What xDD is the mattew with thee? 
MAWVOWIO. *blushes* Nyot bwack in ^-^ my *teleports behind you* mind, though yewwow in *looks away* my wegs. 
It did come to his hands, *looks away* and commands ^.^ shaww be executed. 
I think we do knyow the sweet Woman hand. 
OWIVIA. Wiwt thou go to bed, Mawvowio? 
MAWVOWIO. To bed? Ay, sweetheawt, and I'ww come to thee. 
OWIVIA. God comfowt t-thee! Why d-dost thou smiwe so, and kiss *leans over* thy hand 
s-so o-oft? 
MAWIA. How do you, Mawvowio? 
MAWVOWIO. At youw wequest? Yes, n-nyightingawes answew daws! 
MAWIA. Why appeaw you with this widicuwous bowdnyess befowe my wady? 
MAWVOWIO. ^.^ 'Be n-nyot afwaid of gweatnyess.' '-'Twas weww wwit. 
OWIVIA. What mean'st thou b-by that, *hugs tightly* Mawvowio? 
AIAWVOWIO. 'Some awe bown gweat,'- 
OWIVIA. Ha? 
*sighs* MAWVOWIO. 'Some achieve gweatnyess,'- 
UwU OWIVIA. W-What say'st thou? 
MAWVOWIO. 'And some have gweatnyess thwust upon them.' 
OWIVIA. *blushes* Heaven w-westowe thee! 
MAWVOWIO. 'Wemembew who *cuddles you* commended thy >_< yewwow UwU stockings,'- 
OWIVIA. 'Thy yewwow stockings?' 
MAWVOWIO. uWu 'And w-wish'd to s-see thee cwoss-gawtewd.' 
OWIVIA. '-'Cwoss-gawtew'd?' 
MAWVOWIO. 'Go to, thou an made, if thou desiw'st *moans* to be so';- 
OWIVIA. Am *shuffles closer* I m-made? 
^.^ MAWVOWIO. '-'If nyot, wet me see thee a UwU sewvant s-stiww.' 
OWIVIA. Why, this is v-vewy midsummew m-madnyess. 

Entew SEWVANT 

SEWVANT. Madam, the young gentweman of the Count Owsinyo's *cries* is 
wetuwn'd; I couwd UwU hawdwy entweat h-him back; h-he attends youw 
*blushes* wadyship's p-pweasuwe. 
OWIVIA. I'ww come to him. xDD [Exit SEWVANT] Good Mawia, wet this 
fewwow be wook'd t-to. Whewe's my cousin Toby? Wet some o-of my 
peopwe have a speciaw cawe of him; I wouwd nyot have him miscawwy 
fow t-the hawf o-of my dowwy. 
Exeunt *sighs* OWIVIA and MAWIA 
MAWVOWIO. O, ho! d-do you come nyeaw m-me *shuffles closer* nyow? Nyo wowse man than Siw 
*blushes* Toby to wook *pokes you* to me! This concuws diwectwy with the wettew: she 
s-sends him on puwpose, that I m-may appeaw :3 stubbown to *leans over* him; fow s-she 
incites me to t-that in the wettew. *blushes* 'Cast thy h-humbwe swough,' says 
she. 'Be opposite with kinsman, suwwy with sewvants; wet thy 
t-tongue *twerks* tang with awguments of state; put thysewf *sweats* into the :33 twick 
xDD of s-singuwawity' and consequentwy sets down the mannyew how, a-as: a 
*looks away* sad face, a w-wevewend cawwiage, a swow tongue, in the habit of 
*twerks* some siw of nyote, and *looks at you* so *twerks* fowth. I *hugs tightly* have *cuddles you* wim'd hew; but it :3 is 
Jove's doing, and Jove make me thankfuw! And when >_> she went a-away 
nyow- 'Wet this fewwow be w-wook'd to.' 'Fewwow,' nyot 'Mawvowio' nyow 
aftew xDD my degwee, but 'fewwow.' Why, evewything adhewes t-togethew, 
:33 that ;;w;; nyo dwam ^.^ of a xDD scwupwe, nyo scwupwe o-of a scwupwe, nyo obstacwe, 
nyo incweduwous ow unsafe c-ciwcumstance- What >_> can be said? Nyothing 
*teleports behind you* that can be c-can come between me and the fuww pwospect xDD of m-my 
*pokes you* hopes. Weww, Jove, nyot I-I, is xDD the doew of this, and he is t-to be 
thanked. 

We-entew MAWIA, ^-^ with SIW TOBY *teleports behind you* and FABIAN 

SIW TOBY. Which way is h-he, i-in the n-nyame of sanctity? *pokes you* If aww UwU the 
deviws of heww be dwawn i-in wittwe, and Wegion himsewf possess'd 
>_> him, yet I'ww speak to him. 
FABIAN. H-Hewe *sweats* he is, hewe UwU he UwU is. How is't with you, s-siw? 
S-SIW T-TOBY. How is't *looks away* with you, man? 
MAWVOWIO. Go off; *giggles shyly* I :3 discawd you. Wet >w< me enjoy my pwivate; go uWu off. 
MAWIA. ^.^ Wo, how howwow the fiend speaks within him! Did nyot I teww 
you? Siw Toby, my wady *sweats* pways *notices bulge* you t-to have a cawe of him. 
MAWVOWIO. Ah, ha! d-does she so? 
SIW xDD TOBY. Go to, go to; peace, peace; we *looks away* must deaw gentwy with him. 
Wet me a-awonye. How *looks at you* do you, Mawvowio? How is't with you? What, man, 
defy the deviw; *looks at you* considew, he's an enyemy *moans* to mankind. 
MAWVOWIO. Do you knyow what you say? 
MAWIA. Wa you, an you s-speak iww of the deviw, how h-he takes OwO it at 
heawt! Pway God h-he be nyot *notices bulge* bewitched. 
F-FABIAN. Cawwy his watew to th' wise woman. 
MAWIA. Mawwy, and it s-shaww be d-donye to-mowwow mownying, if I w-wive. My 
w-wady wouwd nyot wose him fow mowe than I'ww say. 
*shuffles closer* MAWVOWIO. How nyow, mistwess! 
MAWIA. >w< O Wowd! 
S-SIW TOBY. Pwithee howd thy p-peace; this i-is nyot the way. Do you nyot 
see you move him? Wet me awonye with him. 
FABIAN. *moans* Nyo w-way but *sighs* gentwenyess- gentwy, gentwy. *looks away* The fiend is wough, 
and wiww nyot be w-woughwy us'd. 
*leans over* SIW *twerks* TOBY. Why, how nyow, my ;;w;; bawcock! 
How dost t-thou, chuck? 
MAWVOWIO. Siw! 
SIW TOBY. Ay, Biddy, come *twerks* with me. *sighs* What, man, '-'tis n-nyot fow gwavity 
to p-pway at c-chewwypit w-with Satan. Hang him, fouw cowwiew! 
MAWIA. Get h-him to say his pwayews, g-good Siw Toby, get him to pway. 
MAWVOWIO. My pwayews, minx! 
MAWIA. Nyo, I-I wawwant you, *twerks* he wiww nyot heaw of g-godwinyess. 
MAWVOWIO. G-Go, hang y-youwsewves aww! You awe idwe shawwow things; ^-^ I 
am n-nyot of youw ewement; y-you UwU shaww knyow mowe *notices bulge* heweaftew. 
Exit 
SIW TOBY. Is't possibwe? 
FABIAN. If this wewe p-pway'd u-upon a stage nyow, I couwd condemn it as 
an impwobabwe f-fiction. 
SIW TOBY. *sighs* His vewy genyius hath taken the infection of the device, 
man. 
MAWIA. Nyay, puwsue him nyow, west the device take a-aiw a-and taint. 
FABIAN. Why, we shaww m-make h-him mad indeed. 
MAWIA. T-The h-house wiww b-be ^w^ the quietew. 
*giggles shyly* SIW TOBY. UwU Come, we'ww *notices bulge* have him in a d-dawk woom a-and >_< bound. M-My nyiece 
is awweady i-in *looks at you* the *giggles shyly* bewief that he's mad. W-We may cawwy it thus, fow 
ouw *moans* pweasuwe and h-his penyance, tiww o-ouw vewy pastime, tiwed *shuffles closer* out of 
bweath, p-pwompt us to h-have mewcy o-on him; at which time we wiww 
bwing the device to the baw a-and cwown thee fow a findew of 
madmen. But s-see, but see. 

Entew SIW *sweats* ANDWEW 

FABIAN. Mowe mattew :3 fow *hugs tightly* a May mownying. 
AGUECHEEK. Hewe's the chawwenge; wead it. I wawwant thewe's vinyegaw 
and p-peppew in't. 
FABIAN. Is't so saucy? 
AGUECHEEK. Ay, is't, I wawwant him; do :33 but wead. 
SIW TOBY. Give me. [Weads] 'Youth, whatsoevew t-thou awt, thou awt 
but a scuwvy f-fewwow.' 
FABIAN. Good and vawiant. 
S-SIW T-TOBY. [Weads] *sweats* 'Wondew nyot, nyow *notices bulge* admiwe nyot in thy mind, w-why I do 
caww thee so, fow I w-wiww show ;;w;; thee nyo w-weason fow't.' 
FABIAN. A good nyote; that *pokes you* keeps you fwom the bwow of the *sweats* waw. 
SIW TOBY. [Weads] 'Thou com'st *shuffles closer* to the Wady Owivia, and ^.^ in m-my UwU sight 
she uses thee kindwy; b-but t-thou wiest in thy thwoat; >_> that is nyot 
the mattew I-I ;;w;; chawwenge thee f-fow.' 
FABIAN. Vewy bwief, a-and to exceeding good sense- ^w^ wess. 
SIW TOBY. [Weads] 'I wiww wayway thee going home; *shuffles closer* whewe if it be 
thy chance :3 to k-kiww me'- 
FABIAN. Good. 
*cuddles you* SIW TOBY. 'Thou ;;w;; kiww'st m-me wike a w-wogue *looks at you* and a viwwain.' 
^w^ FABIAN. Stiww you keep :33 o' th' windy side of the waw. Good! 
SIW TOBY. [Weads] 'Fawe thee weww; and God OwO have mewcy :33 upon onye of 
ouw souws! He may have mewcy upon minye; but my hope is bettew, 
and so wook to thysewf. Thy fwiend, as thou usest him, and t-thy 
swown enyemy, 
ANDWEW *looks at you* AGUECHEEK.' 

If t-this wettew move *giggles shyly* him *giggles shyly* nyot, his w-wegs cannyot. I'ww give't him. 
M-MAWIA. *giggles shyly* You may have vewy fit *cries* occasion f-fow't; he is nyow in some 
commewce with m-my wady, and wiww b-by and by depawt. 
SIW T-TOBY. G-Go, Siw Andwew; OwO scout me *looks away* fow h-him at the cownyew of the 
owchawd, wike a bum-baiwy; so >_> soon as evew thou *teleports behind you* seest him, dwaw; 
and as thou dwaw'st, sweaw howwibwe; fow it comes to pass oft 
that a tewwibwe oath, w-with a swaggewing accent shawpwy twang'd 
off, gives manhood mowe appwobation than evew p-pwoof itsewf wouwd 
have eawn'd *hugs tightly* him. ^.^ Away. 
AGUECHEEK. Nyay, x3 wet me awonye fow sweawing. Exit 
SIW TOBY. Nyow wiww n-nyot I dewivew his *teleports behind you* wettew; fow the behaviouw of 
the young gentweman gives him out to be of good capacity and 
bweeding; x3 his empwoyment b-between his w-wowd and my nyiece *sighs* confiwms 
nyo wess. Thewefowe *cuddles you* this wettew, being so excewwentwy ignyowant, 
*giggles shyly* wiww bweed nyo tewwow ^.^ in the youth: *screams* he wiww find it comes fwom a 
cwodpowe. *looks away* But, *teleports behind you* siw, I *notices bulge* wiww dewivew *moans* his chawwenge by wowd UwU of 
mouth, set x3 upon Aguecheek n-nyotabwe wepowt of vawouw, and ;;w;; dwive the 
gentweman- a-as >_> knyow his youth wiww aptwy weceive *looks away* it- *shuffles closer* into a m-most 
hideous opinyion *shuffles closer* of his wage, skiww, fuwy, and impetuosity. This 
wiww so xDD fwight them both that ^-^ they wiww *screams* kiww *looks at you* onye anyothew by the 
wook, wike cockatwices. 

We-entew O-OWIVIA. With VIOWA 

*teleports behind you* FABIAN. H-Hewe he comes with *looks at you* youw nyiece; *teleports behind you* give them way tiww he t-take 
weave, and pwesentwy aftew *screams* him. 
SIW *pokes you* TOBY. *screams* I wiww meditate the whiwe upon some >_< howwid x3 message f-fow a 
chawwenge. 
Exeunt SIW TOBY, FABIAN, and ^-^ MAWIA 
>_> OWIVIA. I have said ;;w;; too much unto *giggles shyly* a heawt o-of stonye, 
And waid minye honyouw *sweats* too unchawy out; 
Thewe's something >w< in me x3 that wepwoves my fauwt; 
But such a headstwong potent f-fauwt *blushes* it is 
T-That it but mocks wepwoof. 
VIOWA. W-With the same *leans over* haviouw that youw passion beaws 
Goes o-on my mastew's gwiefs. 
OWIVIA. Hewe, w-weaw *screams* this jewew fow m-me; 'tis ^.^ my pictuwe. 
W-Wefuse ^-^ it nyot; it hath nyo tongue to v-vex you. 
And I beseech y-you come again to-mowwow. 
What shaww you ask of me that I'ww d-deny, 
That honyouw sav'd m-may upon asking give? 
VIOWA. Nyothing but this- youw twue wove fow OwO my mastew. 
O-OWIVIA. How with minye honyouw may I-I give him that 
Which I have given to you? 
VIOWA. *moans* I w-wiww acquit you. 
OWIVIA. W-Weww, come again to-mowwow. Fawe thee weww; 
A f-fiend wike thee might beaw my souw to heww. *blushes* Exit 

We-entew SIW TOBY and uWu SIW *cuddles you* FABIAN 

SIW T-TOBY. Gentweman, G-God save thee. 
VIOWA. And you, siw. 
*notices bulge* SIW TOBY. *looks away* That *teleports behind you* defence >_< thou hast, betake ;;w;; thee >_> tot. Of what ;;w;; nyatuwe 
*looks away* the wwongs awe thou hast donye him, I knyow nyot; but thy 
i-intewceptew, fuww UwU of >_> despite, bwoody as the ^-^ huntew, attends 
thee at the owchawd end. >_< Dismount thy t-tuck, be yawe in thy 
pwepawation, fow thy assaiwant is quick, skiwfuw, and d-deadwy. 
VIOWA. You uWu mistake, siw; I-I am suwe nyo man hath any quawwew to *hugs tightly* me; 
my wemembwance is vewy fwee OwO and cweaw fwom any i-image of offence 
donye to *cries* any man. 
SIW TOBY. You'ww find it *looks at you* othewwise, I assuwe you; thewefowe, if you 
howd youw w-wife at any p-pwice, betake *twerks* you x3 to youw guawd; fow youw 
*hugs tightly* opposite hath in *cuddles you* him what youth, stwength, skiww, and w-wwath, can 
x3 fuwnyish man withaw. 
VIOWA. I-I pway :3 you, OwO siw, what is h-he? 
SIW TOBY. xDD He is knyight, *leans over* dubb'd with unhatch'd wapiew and >w< on cawpet 
considewation; but he is a deviw in pwivate bwaww. Souws and 
bodies hath he d-divowc'd thwee; ^-^ and h-his ^.^ incensement at t-this moment 
is so i-impwacabwe that *screams* satisfaction can be nyonye but by pangs of 
uWu death and sepuwchwe. Hob-nyob is *hugs tightly* his w-wowd- give't ow take't. 
VIOWA. I wiww wetuwn again into the house and desiwe some *cuddles you* conduct 
of the w-wady. I am nyo :33 fightew. I-I have heawd of some k-kind of *screams* men 
that :33 put quawwews puwposewy o-on othews to taste t-theiw vawouw; 
bewike this i-is a-a *sighs* man *twerks* of that quiwk. 
SIW TOBY. Siw, nyo; his indignyation dewives itsewf out of *leans over* a v-vewy 
competent injuwy; thewefowe, get you on and give him his d-desiwe. 
Back you shaww nyot to the house, unwess *giggles shyly* you undewtake that with 
*sweats* me which with as much safety you might answew him; thewefowe on, 
ow stwip youw swowd stawk nyaked; fow meddwe y-you UwU must, that's 
cewtain, ow fowsweaw to weaw iwon about you. 
VIOWA. This is as unciviw as stwange. I beseech you do *twerks* me this 
couwteous office as to knyow of the knyight what my offence to *hugs tightly* him 
is: it is something of my nyegwigence, >_< nyothing of my puwpose. 
*looks at you* SIW ^w^ TOBY. I W-Wiww do so. S-Signyiow ;;w;; Fabian, stay you by t-this gentweman 
tiww my wetuwn. Exit SIW TOBY 
VIOWA. Pway >w< you, siw, d-do you knyow of t-this mattew? 
FABIAN. I k-knyow the knyight is incens'd against you, xDD even to a mowtaw 
awbitwement; but n-nyothing of *sweats* the c-ciwcumstance mowe. 
*sighs* VIOWA. I b-beseech you, *blushes* what mannyew of man is he? 
FABIAN. Nyothing of that wondewfuw pwomise, to wead h-him by his fowm, 
as you awe wike to find him in the pwoof of his vawouw. He is 
indeed, siw, the most skiwfuw, bwoody, and f-fataw *cries* opposite that 
you couwd possibwy have *hugs tightly* found *moans* in any pawt of Iwwywia. Wiww you 
wawk towawds him? I wiww make youw p-peace with him i-if I can. 
V-VIOWA. I shaww be much bound to *moans* you fow't. I am o-onye that wouwd 
wathew go with siw ;;w;; pwiest than siw knyight. I cawe n-nyot who knyows 
*notices bulge* so much of my mettwe. Exeunt 

W-We-entew *looks away* SIW TOBY xDD With SIW ANDWEW 

S-SIW :3 TOBY. Why, man, he's a vewy d-deviw; I have uWu nyot seen such a 
fiwago. *looks away* I had a-a pass with him, wapiew, scabbawd, and aww, a-and h-he 
gives me t-the stuck in with such xDD a mowtaw motion that it i-is 
inyevitabwe; and ^-^ on the answew, he pays you as suwewy *sweats* as youw feet 
hit the g-gwound they step on. T-They say *screams* he has been fencew to the 
Sophy. 
AGUECHEEK. Pox on't, I'ww nyot meddwe with him. 
SIW TOBY. Ay, but he wiww nyot nyow be pacified; Fabian can *shuffles closer* scawce 
howd h-him yondew. 
AGUECHEEK. Pwague on't; an I >_< thought he uWu had been vawiant, and so 
cunnying in fence, I'd have >w< seen him *shuffles closer* damn'd ewe I'd have 
chawweng'd him. Wet him wet t-the mattew *notices bulge* swip, and I'ww g-give him 
*moans* my howse, gwey Capiwet. 
SIW xDD TOBY. I'ww m-make the *cuddles you* motion. Stand hewe, make a good show on't; 
this *cries* shaww end without t-the pewdition ;;w;; of ^.^ souws. [Aside] Mawwy, 
I'ww wide >w< youw howse as weww as I wide you. 

We-entew FABIAN and VIOWA 

[To FABIAN] I-I h-have his howse t-to take *shuffles closer* up the quawwew; I have 
pewsuaded him the youth's a deviw. 
FABIAN. [To SIW TOBY] He is x3 as howwibwy conceited of him; and pants 
and wooks pawe, as if *leans over* a beaw *cries* wewe at his heews. 
:33 SIW TOBY. [-[To VIOWA] Thewe's n-nyo wemedy, >_< siw: he wiww :33 fight with you 
*cries* fow's o-oath sake. Mawwy, he hath bettew b-bethought *moans* him of his 
quawwew, and he finds x3 that nyow >_> scawce to be wowth tawking of. 
Thewefowe dwaw fow >w< the s-suppowtance of his :3 vow; he pwotests he 
wiww nyot *leans over* huwt you. 
VIOWA. [Aside] Pway God defend me! A-A OwO wittwe t-thing wouwd m-make :33 me 
*pokes you* teww them how much I wack of a m-man. 
FABIAN. >_> Give gwound if you see h-him fuwious. 
SIW TOBY. Come, S-Siw Andwew, thewe's nyo wemedy; the gentweman w-wiww, 
fow his h-honyouw's sake, have onye bout with you; he cannyot by the 
duewwo avoid *hugs tightly* it; but *hugs tightly* he has p-pwomis'd me, as >_< he is *moans* a gentweman and 
a sowdiew, *sighs* he wiww n-nyot huwt ^w^ you. Come o-on; to't. 
*screams* AGUECHEEK. Pway G-God he keep his *moans* oath! [They dwaw] 

Entew ANTONyIO 

OwO VIOWA. I do a-assuwe you 'tis against my wiww. 
ANTONyIO. Put up youw swowd. If this young gentweman 
Have donye offence, I *notices bulge* take the f-fauwt on ;;w;; me: 
If you offend him, *sighs* I fow him defy you. 
SIW TOBY. You, siw! W-Why, what awe you? 
ANTONyIO. Onye, siw, that fow his wove dawes *sighs* yet do mowe 
Than y-you have heawd him bwag *screams* to you he wiww. 
SIW TOBY. Nyay, if you be an undewtakew, *looks at you* I am fow *cuddles you* you. 
*looks away* [They dwaw] 

Entew OFFICEWS 

*sighs* FABIAN. O good Siw uWu Toby, howd! Hewe come the o-officews. 
SIW TOBY. [To ANTONyIO] I'ww be with you anyon. 
VIOWA. Pway, siw, put uWu youw swowd up, if you >w< pwease. 
AGUECHEEK. Mawwy, wiww I, siw; and fow t-that I pwomis'd ;;w;; you, I'ww be 
as good as m-my wowd. He wiww beaw you easiwy and weins weww. 
FIWST OFFICEW. This is the man; do thy office. 
SECOND OFFICEW. Antonyio, I awwest thee at :33 the suit 
Of Count Owsinyo. 
ANTONyIO. You do mistake me, siw. 
FIWST OFFICEW. Nyo, s-siw, nyo j-jot; I knyow youw *cries* favouw weww, 
UwU Though n-nyow :33 you have nyo sea-cap on youw head. 
Take him away; *giggles shyly* he k-knyows I k-knyow him weww. 
ANTONyIO. UwU I Must obey. *notices bulge* [To VIOWA] This c-comes with seeking y-you; 
But thewe's nyo wemedy; x3 I shaww answew it. 
What wiww you do, nyow my nyecessity 
Makes m-me to ask you fow my puwse? It gwieves me 
Much mowe fow what I cannyot d-do fow y-you 
T-Than what befawws *sweats* mysewf. You stand a-amaz'd; 
B-But be of comfowt. 
SECOND *screams* OFFICEW. uWu Come, siw, a-away. 
ANTONyIO. I *blushes* must entweat of you s-some of that monyey. 
V-VIOWA. What monyey, siw? 
Fow the faiw kindnyess you have show'd me xDD hewe, 
And pawt UwU being pwompted b-by youw pwesent twoubwe, 
Out of my wean a-and wow abiwity 
I'ww wend you x3 something. My having is nyot *notices bulge* much; 
I'ww :3 make *hugs tightly* division of *twerks* my pwesent with y-you; 
Howd, thewe's hawf *shuffles closer* my c-coffew. 
ANTONyIO. Wiww you deny me nyow? 
I-Is't possibwe that my desewts to you 
*sweats* Can *shuffles closer* wack pewsuasion? Do nyot t-tempt my misewy, 
West that it make me s-so unsound a man 
As to upbwaid you with t-those k-kindnyesses 
That I *pokes you* have donye fow you. 
VIOWA. I ^-^ knyow of nyonye, 
N-Nyow knyow I you by voice ^w^ ow any f-featuwe. 
xDD I hate *cries* ingwatitude mowe in a man 
Than *pokes you* wying, vainnyess, *shuffles closer* babbwing >w< dwunkennyess, 
Ow any taint of vice whose *leans over* stwong cowwuption 
Inhabits ouw fwaiw bwood. 
ANTONyIO. O heavens themsewves! 
SECOND OFFICEW. Come, siw, I *looks at you* pway *teleports behind you* you go. 
ANTONyIO. Wet me speak a *cuddles you* wittwe. This y-youth that you see hewe 
I snyatch'd onye hawf o-out of the OwO jaws of death, 
Wewiev'd him *screams* with such OwO sanctity o-of w-wove, 
*shuffles closer* And t-to his image, *looks at you* which methought did pwomise 
Most venyewabwe w-wowth, did I d-devotion. 
FIWST :33 OFFICEW. What's that to :33 us? The time goes b-by; away. 
UwU ANTONyIO. But, O, how viwe an idow pwoves >_> this god! 
:3 Thou hast, ;;w;; Sebastian, *shuffles closer* donye *cries* good f-featuwe shame. 
In nyatuwe thewe's nyo bwemish but >_< the m-mind: 
Nyonye can be caww'd defowm'd but the unkind. 
Viwtue is beauty; >w< but *hugs tightly* the beauteous eviw 
Awe empty twunks, o'ewfwouwish'd by the d-deviw. 
*giggles shyly* FIWST OFFICEW. The *pokes you* man gwows mad. Away with him. 
Come, come, siw. 
ANTONyIO. W-Wead me on. Exit with OFFICEWS 
V-VIOWA. Methinks his wowds do fwom *notices bulge* such *looks at you* passion fwy 
That he b-bewieves himsewf; so xDD do nyot I. 
Pwove twue, imaginyation, O-O, pwove twue, 
That I, deaw bwothew, be nyow ta'en fow *pokes you* you! 
*leans over* SIW TOBY. Come hithew, knyight; come h-hithew, Fabian; we'ww *giggles shyly* whispew 
o'ew a-a coupwet ow *blushes* two of most *pokes you* sage saws. 
V-VIOWA. He nyam'd Sebastian. I my bwothew ;;w;; knyow 
Yet wiving in ;;w;; my gwass; even s-such a-and so 
In favouw was my bwothew; a-and *twerks* he went 
Stiww in t-this fashion, cowouw, ownyament, 
F-Fow him I imitate. x3 O, if it p-pwove, 
Tempests a-awe kind, and sawt w-waves fwesh in *twerks* wove! *giggles shyly* Exit 
SIW TOBY. A xDD vewy dishonyest pawtwy boy, and mowe a-a c-cowawd than a 
hawe. His ^-^ dishonyesty appeaws in w-weaving his fwiend hewe i-in 
nyecessity and denying him; and fow his c-cowawdship, ask Fabian. 
FABIAN. A cowawd, a-a most devout cowawd, wewigious in *cries* it. 
AGUECHEEK. 'Swid, >w< I'ww aftew h-him again and beat him. 
SIW TOBY. x3 Do; cuff him soundwy, but nyevew *looks at you* dwaw thy s-swowd. 
AGUECHEEK. ^.^ And I d-do nyot- Exit 
FABIAN. Come, wet's see the e-event. 
SIW TOBY. I dawe way any monyey 'twiww be n-nyothing yet. 
Exeunt 




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A-ACT *twerks* IV. S-SCENyE I. 
Befowe OWIVIA'S house 

Entew S-SEBASTIAN *leans over* and CWOWN 

xDD CWOWN. Wiww you make m-me bewieve t-that I-I am uWu nyot sent fow you? 
SEBASTIAN. Go to, go to, thou awt a f-foowish fewwow; w-wet me be cweaw 
of thee. 
*hugs tightly* CWOWN. Weww *twerks* hewd out, i' faith! N-Nyo, I do nyot knyow you; nyow I am nyot 
*notices bulge* sent to you >_> by ^.^ my wady, to bid you come speak with hew; nyow youw 
nyame xDD is nyot Mastew *hugs tightly* Cesawio; nyow this is nyot my nyose nyeithew. 
N-Nyothing that is so is so. 
SEBASTIAN. I p-pwithee vent uWu thy fowwy somewhewe ewse. 
Thou k-knyow'st nyot m-me. 
CWOWN. V-Vent my fowwy! *pokes you* He has heawd that wowd of some *sighs* gweat man, and 
n-nyow appwies it to a-a f-foow. Vent my fowwy! I am afwaid this g-gweat 
wubbew, the wowwd, wiww pwove a cocknyey. I-I pwithee nyow, ungiwd 
thy s-stwangenyess, and t-teww me what I shaww v-vent to my wady. *moans* Shaww 
I vent to hew x3 that thou awt coming? 
S-SEBASTIAN. ^.^ I pwithee, f-foowish Gweek, depawt fwom me; 
Thewe's monyey fow thee; *screams* if you tawwy wongew 
I shaww give wowse payment. 
CWOWN. By m-my twoth, thou hast an open hand. These wise men that 
give foows monyey get themsewves a good wepowt aftew fouwteen 
yeaws' puwchase. 

Entew *shuffles closer* SIW ANDWEW, SIW *pokes you* TOBY, and FABIAN 

A-AGUECHEEK. Nyow, siw, have I-I met you *leans over* again? 
[Stwiking SEBASTIAN] Thewe's fow you. 
SEBASTIAN. Why, thewe's fow t-thee, and thewe, and thewe. 
Awe aww the peopwe mad? 
S-SIW TOBY. Howd, siw, ^-^ ow *looks away* I'ww thwow y-youw daggew o'ew the house. 
[Howding S-SEBASTIAN] 
CWOWN. This wiww I teww m-my wady stwaight. I wouwd nyot be in some o-of 
youw coats f-fow two-pence. Exit 
SIW TOBY. Come on, siw; howd. 
AGUECHEEK. Nyay, wet him *looks at you* awonye. I'ww go anyothew w-way to wowk *giggles shyly* with 
him; I'ww have an action o-of battewy against *teleports behind you* him, if thewe b-be a-any 
waw i-in Iwwywia; though I stwuck h-him f-fiwst, y-yet it's n-nyo *pokes you* mattew fow 
that. 
SEBASTIAN. Wet go thy hand. 
SIW TOBY. Come, siw, I wiww :3 nyot wet you *cuddles you* go. Come, my young sowdiew, 
put up youw iwon; you awe w-weww fwesh'd. Come :3 on. 
SEBASTIAN. I-I wiww be f-fwee fwom t-thee. What wouwdst thou nyow? 
*pokes you* If thou daw'st tempt m-me fuwthew, dwaw thy swowd. ^w^ [Dwaws] 
SIW TOBY. What, what? Nyay, then I must *sweats* have an *blushes* ounce ow two of this 
*pokes you* mawapewt bwood fwom y-you. [Dwaws] 

Entew *moans* OWIVIA 

OWIVIA. Howd, Toby; on thy w-wife, I chawge thee howd. 
SIW TOBY. Madam! 
OWIVIA. Wiww it be *notices bulge* evew x3 thus? Ungwacious wwetch, 
*sighs* Fit fow the >_< mountains and the bawbawous caves, 
Whewe m-mannyews nye'ew wewe pweach'd! Out of my sight! 
Be n-nyot offended, deaw Cesawio- 
*pokes you* Wudesby, ^.^ be gonye! 
Exeunt S-SIW TOBY, SIW ANDWEW, and *screams* FABIAN 
I pwithee, g-gentwe fwiend, 
Wet t-thy f-faiw wisdom, n-nyot thy passion, *teleports behind you* sway 
In this u-unciviw and unjust extent 
A-Against thy peace. Go with me *blushes* to my house, 
And heaw thou *notices bulge* thewe how many fwuitwess pwanks 
This wuffian hath botch'd up, that t-thou t-theweby 
Mayst smiwe at *looks away* this. Thou shawt nyot choose but go; 
Do nyot deny. Beshwew his souw fow me! 
He stawted *cries* onye poow :33 heawt *cuddles you* of minye i-in thee. 
SEBASTIAN. What w-wewish is i-in this? How wuns xDD the *blushes* stweam? 
Ow I am mad, ow ewse this i-is a dweam. 
*teleports behind you* Wet fancy *shuffles closer* stiww my s-sense in Wethe steep; 
I-If it be thus to dweam, s-stiww wet me s-sweep! 
OWIVIA. Nyay, come, I pwithee. W-Wouwd thou'dst be w-wuw'd by me! 
SEBASTIAN. Madam, I wiww. 
OWIVIA. O-O, :33 say so, and so be! Exeunt 




*moans* SCENyE II. 
OWIVIA'S house 

Entew *teleports behind you* MAWIA *teleports behind you* and CWOWN 

MAWIA. Nyay, I-I pwithee, put *cuddles you* on this gown *leans over* and this beawd; make him 
b-bewieve thou awt Siw *blushes* Topas :3 the >_> cuwate; do i-it quickwy. I'ww caww 
Siw Toby the whiwst. Exit 
C-CWOWN. Weww, I'ww put it on, and :3 I wiww d-dissembwe m-mysewf i-in't; and 
I wouwd I wewe the fiwst t-that evew dissembwed *moans* in *moans* such a gown. *shuffles closer* I 
a-am *looks at you* nyot taww enyough to become the function w-weww nyow w-wean e-enyough to 
*sighs* be t-thought a good *shuffles closer* student; but to *leans over* be s-said an honyest man and *looks at you* a 
good housekeepew goes as faiwwy *twerks* as to say a cawefuw m-man and a 
gweat schowaw. *looks away* The c-competitows entew. 

Entew SIW TOBY a-and MAWIA 

S-SIW TOBY. Jove bwess thee, Mastew Pawson. 
>_> CWOWN. B-Bonyos d-dies, Siw Toby; f-fow as *looks away* the owd hewmit *leans over* of Pwague, that 
nyevew saw pen and i-ink, vewy w-wittiwy OwO said *cries* to nyiece :33 of ^.^ King 
Gowboduc 'That that is is'; so I, being Mastew *moans* Pawson, am *moans* Mastew 
Pawson; fow what is 'that' but that, and 'is' but is? 
SIW T-TOBY. To him, S-Siw Topas. 
CWOWN. *moans* What ho, I say! Peace in this pwison! 
SIW TOBY. The knyave countewfeits w-weww; a good knyave. 
OwO MAWVOWIO. [Within] Who cawws *sighs* thewe? 
CWOWN. Siw Topas the cuwate, who *shuffles closer* comes to visit Mawvowio the 
wunyatic. 
x3 MAWVOWIO. Siw Topas, Siw *looks away* Topas, *screams* good Siw Topas, go t-to ;;w;; my wady. 
CWOWN. Out, hypewbowicaw f-fiend! How v-vexest t-thou this man! 
Tawkest thou *twerks* nyothing but of wadies? 
*sweats* SIW TOBY. *sweats* Weww said, Mastew Pawson. 
M-MAWVOWIO. *pokes you* Siw Topas, nyevew was m-man t-thus wwonged. Good S-Siw Topas, do 
nyot think I am mad; t-they have waid me hewe in hideous dawknyess. 
CWOWN. Fie, >w< thou *screams* dishonyest Satan! I-I caww thee by t-the most m-modest 
tewms, fow I am onye of those gentwe onyes OwO that wiww use t-the deviw 
himsewf with *shuffles closer* couwtesy. Say'st thou that h-house is dawk? 
M-MAWVOWIO. >_< As heww, Siw Topas. 
CWOWN. Why, i-it hath bay windows twanspawent as ;;w;; bawwicadoes, and the 
cwewestowies towawd t-the south nyowth awe as wustwous as e-ebony; and 
yet *looks at you* compwainyest thou of obstwuction? 
MAWVOWIO. I am nyot mad, *looks at you* Siw Topas. I say to you *cuddles you* this house is dawk. 
CWOWN. Madman, ^-^ thou ewwest. I x3 say thewe is *notices bulge* nyo dawknyess but 
ignyowance; in which thou awt m-mowe puzzwed than the Egyptians i-in 
theiw fog. 
MAWVOWIO. I say this house is a-as dawk as ignyowance, though 
*moans* ignyowance wewe as dawk >w< as heww; and I-I s-say thewe was nyevew man 
thus abus'd. I-I a-am n-nyo mowe mad t-than you awe; make the twiaw ^w^ of it 
in any constant question. 
CWOWN. What is the opinyion of >w< Pythagowas concewnying wiwd foww? 
MAWVOWIO. That *looks away* the :3 souw o-of *cuddles you* ouw g-gwandam might hapwy inhabit a biwd. 
CWOWN. What think'st thou of his o-opinyion? 
MAWVOWIO. *moans* I think *cries* nyobwy of the souw, and :3 nyo way appwove his 
^-^ opinyion. 
CWOWN. Fawe thee weww. *leans over* Wemain thou stiww in xDD dawknyess: thou shawt 
howd th' xDD opinyion *screams* of *sweats* Pythagowas e-ewe I wiww awwow of thy wits; and 
feaw to kiww xDD a woodcock, west thou dispossess the :3 souw of *cries* thy 
gwandam. Fawe thee weww. 
MAWVOWIO. Siw Topas, Siw Topas! 
S-SIW TOBY. My most *blushes* exquisite Siw Topas! 
CWOWN. Nyay, I am fow a-aww UwU watews. 
MAWIA. Thou mightst have donye this w-without thy beawd a-and gown: *giggles shyly* he 
s-sees thee nyot. 
SIW x3 TOBY. To him in *cuddles you* thinye own voice, OwO and bwing me wowd how thou 
find'st him. I-I wouwd w-we wewe weww wid of this knyavewy. If h-he may 
be convenyientwy :3 dewivew'd, I-I wouwd he *twerks* wewe; fow I am nyow so faw 
in offence with my nyiece ^w^ that I *looks at you* cannyot puwsue with any safety 
t-this spowt to the *cuddles you* upshot. Come by and by to my chambew. 
Exit with MAWIA 
CWOWN. *teleports behind you* [Sings] Hey, W-Wobin, jowwy Wobin, 
Teww me >_> how thy wady does. 
MAWVOWIO. Foow! 
CWOWN. [-[Sings] My wady is unkind, pewdy. 
MAWVOWIO. Foow! 
CWOWN. [Sings] Awas, why is she so? 
MAWVOWIO. F-Foow I xDD say! 
CWOWN. [Sings] She woves *hugs tightly* anyothew- W-Who cawws, ha? 
MAWVOWIO. Good foow, as evew t-thou wiwt desewve w-weww at my hand, 
hewp me to a candwe, and pen, ink, and papew; as *moans* I am a 
gentweman, I w-wiww wive to *blushes* be *blushes* thankfuw to thee *blushes* fow't. 
CWOWN. Mastew Mawvowio? 
MAWVOWIO. Ay, good foow. 
CWOWN. Awas, *sighs* siw, how feww you besides youw five w-wits? 
MAWVOWIO. Foow, thewe was nyevew man ^.^ so nyotowiouswy a-abus'd; 
I am as weww in my wits, foow, a-as thou awt. 
CWOWN. But a-as weww? T-Then y-you awe mad i-indeed, if uWu you be n-nyo bettew in 
youw wits than a foow. 
MAWVOWIO. They have h-hewe pwopewtied me; *hugs tightly* keep m-me in dawknyess, send 
minyistews to me, asses, a-and do aww t-they can to face ;;w;; me out of my 
wits. 
C-CWOWN. *looks away* Advise you what. you *cries* say: the minyistew is h-hewe. 
[Speaking as SIW TOPAS] Mawvowio, thy *looks away* wits the heavens westowe! 
*looks at you* Endeavouw thysewf to sweep, and w-weave thy vain bibbwe-babbwe. 
MAWVOWIO. Siw Topas! 
CWOWN. Maintain nyo wowds with him, good fewwow.- ;;w;; Who, I, siw? Nyot 
I, siw. *blushes* God buy you, good Siw Topas.- Mawwy, amen.- I wiww siw, I 
wiww. 
MAWVOWIO. Foow, foow, foow, I say! 
CWOWN. Awas, siw, be patient. What say you, siw? I am shent fow 
speaking to OwO you. 
MAWVOWIO. Good foow, hewp m-me to some wight and some papew. 
I teww thee I-I am as weww in my wits as any *cries* man in *screams* Iwwywia. 
CWOWN. Weww-a-day that you wewe, siw! 
MAWVOWIO. By t-this hand, *sighs* I am. Good f-foow, some ink, papew, and 
>_> wight; a-and convey what *notices bulge* I wiww set d-down to my wady. It shaww 
UwU advantage thee mowe than *twerks* evew the beawing of wettew did. 
CWOWN. I wiww hewp y-you to't. B-But teww me twue, awe you nyot *blushes* mad 
indeed, ow do you but countewfeit? 
MAWVOWIO. Bewieve me, I a-am nyot; I teww t-thee twue. 
CWOWN. *pokes you* Nyay, I'ww nye'ew bewieve a *moans* madman tiww I see *screams* his bwains. 
UwU I wiww fetch you wight and papew and ink. 
MAWVOWIO. Foow, ^w^ I'ww wequite it in the highest *pokes you* degwee; I pwithe be 
gonye. 
CWOWN. [Singing] 
I am x3 gonye, siw, 
And anyon, siw, 
I-I'ww be with *blushes* you again, 
In a-a twice, 
*looks at you* Wike to t-the o-owd V-Vice, 
Youw nyeed to sustain; 

uWu Who with daggew of wath, 
In his wage and *looks away* his wwath, 
Cwies, Ah, ha! t-to the deviw, 
W-Wike a mad wad, 
*shuffles closer* Pawe thy nyaiws, dad. 
Adieu, goodman deviw. Exit 




SCENyE III. 
OWIVIA'S *twerks* gawden 

Entew SEBASTIAN 

*pokes you* SEBASTIAN. This is *looks at you* the *notices bulge* aiw; that *pokes you* is the gwowious s-sun; 
This peaww UwU she gave *blushes* me, I-I do feew't and see't; 
And though 'tis wondew that enwwaps me UwU thus, 
Yet 'tis nyot madnyess. Whewe's Antonyio, t-then? 
*screams* I couwd nyot find him a-at t-the Ewephant; 
Yet thewe he was; and :3 thewe I found this cwedit, 
That h-he *shuffles closer* did wange uWu the town to seek me o-out. 
His counsew nyow might do me gowden sewvice; 
^-^ Fow though my souw disputes w-weww with my sense 
That *sweats* this may be *looks at you* some ewwow, but *hugs tightly* nyo madnyess, 
Yet doth this a-accident and fwood of fowtunye 
So faw exceed aww instance, aww discouwse, 
T-That I am weady to distwust minye eyes 
And wwangwe *pokes you* with my weason, t-that pewsuades me 
To any ^w^ othew ;;w;; twust but that I am mad, 
Ow ewse the wady's mad; yet if 'twewe s-so, 
She couwd nyot sway hew house, c-command hew fowwowews, 
Take and give back affaiws *sweats* and theiw dispatch 
*looks at you* With such a UwU smooth, *twerks* discweet, and stabwe beawing, 
As I pewceive she does. Thewe's something in't 
That is deceivabwe. B-But *sighs* hewe :33 the wady *notices bulge* comes. 

Entew *blushes* OWIVIA and PWIEST 

OWIVIA. Bwame nyot this haste of minye. If you mean weww, 
*looks at you* Nyow go w-with me and with this howy man 
Into the >w< chantwy by; thewe, befowe him 
And undewnyeath that consecwated *screams* woof, 
Pwight me the :3 fun a-assuwance o-of y-youw faith, 
That my m-most jeawous and too doubtfuw souw 
M-May wive at peace. He s-shaww conceaw it 
Whiwes you OwO awe wiwwing it shaww come to nyote, 
What time we wiww ouw cewebwation keep 
Accowding ^-^ to my biwth. What do you say? 
SEBASTIAN. I'ww fowwow this good man, and go with you; 
And, h-having swown twuth, evew wiww be twue. 
OWIVIA. Then wead the way, good fathew; and h-heavens so shinye 
That they may faiwwy *looks away* nyote t-this act o-of minye! Exeunt 




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ACT V. *looks at you* SCENyE I. 
Befowe OWIVIA's :3 house 

Entew C-CWOWN and FABIAN 

FABIAN. Nyow, as thou wov'st me, wet me *looks at you* see his wettew. 
CWOWN. Good Mastew F-Fabian, gwant me anyothew wequest. 
FABIAN. Anything. 
*looks away* CWOWN. Do nyot desiwe to see t-this *sighs* wettew. 
FABIAN. This is to *sighs* give a-a dog, and in wecompense *sighs* desiwe my dog 
again. 

Entew ^w^ DUKE, *giggles shyly* VIOWA, CUWIO, and WOWDS 

DUKE. B-Bewong *notices bulge* you t-to the *twerks* Wady O-Owivia, fwiends? 
CWOWN. *looks at you* Ay, *blushes* siw, we awe some of *looks away* hew *twerks* twappings. 
D-DUKE. I knyow thee weww. How d-dost xDD thou, my good f-fewwow? 
CWOWN. *pokes you* Twuwy, *teleports behind you* siw, t-the bettew fow my foes and the wowse fow my 
fwiends. 
DUKE. Just the contwawy: the b-bettew f-fow thy fwiends. 
>_< CWOWN. Nyo, siw, the wowse. 
DUKE. How can that be? 
C-CWOWN. Mawwy, siw, they pwaise me and *shuffles closer* make an a-ass of me. Nyow :3 my 
f-foes teww m-me pwainwy I am an ass; so that >_< by ^w^ my foes, siw, I 
:3 pwofit in the k-knyowwedge of mysewf, and by my fwiends I-I a-am abused; 
so that, c-concwusions *cries* to be as kisses, if >_< youw fouw nyegatives make 
youw t-two affiwmatives, w-why then, the wowse f-fow my f-fwiends, and 
the b-bettew fow m-my >w< foes. 
DUKE. Why, this is excewwent. 
CWOWN. By m-my t-twoth, siw, nyo; ;;w;; though it pwease you to b-be onye of my 
f-fwiends. 
DUKE. Thou shawt n-nyot *shuffles closer* be *twerks* the wowse fow *giggles shyly* me. *cuddles you* Thewe's gowd. 
CWOWN. But that *looks away* it wouwd *leans over* be doubwe-deawing, siw, I wouwd you couwd 
make it anyothew. 
DUKE. O, you *teleports behind you* give xDD me iww *looks at you* counsew. 
CWOWN. Put youw gwace in youw pocket, :3 siw, *sweats* fow this once, and wet 
youw f-fwesh and *looks away* bwood obey *sweats* it. 
DUKE. Weww, I wiww be so much a sinnyew to be a doubwe-deawew. 
Thewe's ^.^ anyothew. 
CWOWN. Pwimo, secundo, tewtio, is a *looks away* good pway; and the owd s-saying 
*leans over* is 'The thiwd pays fow aww.' The twipwex, siw, is *blushes* a good uWu twipping 
measuwe; ow the bewws of Saint Bennyet, siw, may put you *blushes* in mind- 
onye, two, thwee. 
DUKE. You can foow nyo mowe m-monyey out of me at this thwow; if *teleports behind you* you 
wiww wet youw w-wady k-knyow I am hewe to speak with hew, and bwing 
hew a-awong *twerks* with you, it may awake *screams* my bounty fuwthew. 
CWOWN. Mawwy, *twerks* siw, wuwwaby *leans over* to youw bounty tiww ^.^ I c-come again. I go, 
s-siw; but I wouwd nyot have you to think *pokes you* that my desiwe of having 
is t-the s-sin of covetousnyess. But, a-as you say, siw, wet :3 youw *blushes* bounty 
take a-a nyap; I wiww a-awake it anyon. Exit 

Entew ANTONyIO and OFFICEWS 

VIOWA. Hewe c-comes *looks at you* the man, ^-^ siw, that *leans over* did wescue UwU me. 
*cries* DUKE. That face UwU of h-his I do wemembew weww; 
Yet when I *screams* saw *sighs* it wast it was besmeaw'd 
UwU As bwack as Vuwcan ^w^ in the *sweats* smoke of waw. 
A b-baubwing vessew was he captain of, 
Fow shawwow d-dwaught *screams* and buwk unpwizabwe, 
With ^w^ which s-such scathfuw gwappwe did he make 
*sweats* With the m-most nyobwe bottom of ouw *leans over* fweet 
That *leans over* vewy envy and the tongue :3 of wos 
Cwied f-fame and honyouw on him. What's the mattew? 
FIWST OFFICEW. Owsinyo, this is t-that Antonyio 
That took the P-Phoenyix and *giggles shyly* hew fwaught fwom Candy; 
And this is he that did the Tigew boawd 
When youw y-young UwU nyephew Titus wost his weg. 
Hewe in the stweets, despewate of shame and state, 
In pwivate bwabbwe did we appwehend him. 
VIOWA. He did me kindnyess, siw; dwew on my side; 
But in concwusion ;;w;; put stwange speech upon *hugs tightly* me. 
I k-knyow nyot what 'twas but distwaction. 
DUKE. N-Nyotabwe piwate, thou *hugs tightly* sawt-watew thief! 
What foowish bowdnyess bwought thee to theiw mewcies 
Whom thou, in tewms so bwoody and *screams* so deaw, 
Hast *twerks* made thinye enyemies? 
ANTONyIO. Owsinyo, nyobwe siw, 
Be pweas'd ^w^ that I shake off these nyames y-you give me: 
Antonyio nyevew yet was thief ow piwate, 
Though I confess, on base and ^.^ gwound :3 enyough, 
Owsinyo's enyemy. A *notices bulge* witchcwaft *giggles shyly* dwew me hithew: 
That most ingwatefuw boy thewe by *shuffles closer* youw *blushes* side 
Fwom the wude *hugs tightly* sea's enwag'd a-and f-foamy mouth 
Did I-I wedeem; a wweck past hope he was. 
His wife I gave him, and did theweto UwU ad 
My *notices bulge* wove without w-wetention ow westwaint, 
Aww his in dedication; fow his sake, 
Did I expose mysewf, puwe f-fow his wove, 
Into t-the dangew of this advewse t-town; 
Dwew to defend h-him when he w-was beset; 
Whewe *pokes you* being appwehended, his fawse cunnying, 
Nyot meanying to pawtake with me in d-dangew, 
Taught him to face me out x3 of his acquaintance, 
And gwew a twenty yeaws wemoved thing 
Whiwe onye wouwd wink; denyied *teleports behind you* me minye own puwse, 
Which ^.^ I had wecommended t-to his *teleports behind you* use 
Nyot hawf *teleports behind you* an OwO houw befowe. 
>w< VIOWA. How can *screams* this be? 
DUKE. *cuddles you* When came *cuddles you* he t-to t-this town? 
*looks at you* ANTONyIO. To-day, my wowd; and fow thwee months *screams* befowe, 
Nyo int'wim, nyot a uWu minyute's vacancy, 
*moans* Both day *cries* and nyight did we *sighs* keep c-company. 

Entew OWIVIA and ATTENDANTS 

DUKE. Hewe comes the C-Countess; nyow heaven wawks *blushes* on eawth. 
But fow thee, f-fewwow- fewwow, thy w-wowds awe madnyess. 
Thwee months *twerks* this youth hath tended upon me- 
But >_< mowe of that anyon. Take h-him aside. 
OWIVIA. *giggles shyly* What wouwd my wowd, but that >_< he *sweats* may *cuddles you* nyot have, 
Whewein Owivia may seem sewviceabwe? 
Cesawio, *leans over* you do nyot keep pwomise with me. 
VIOWA. Madam? 
D-DUKE. Gwacious *cuddles you* Owivia- 
*cries* OWIVIA. What do you say, Cesawio? Good my *pokes you* wowd- 
*looks away* VIOWA. My wowd wouwd speak; m-my duty hushes me. 
OWIVIA. If it be aught to the xDD owd tunye, my w-wowd, 
It is as fat and fuwsome to minye eaw 
As howwing *screams* aftew music. 
UwU DUKE. Stiww s-so cwuew? 
O-OWIVIA. *looks away* Stiww so constant, wowd. 
DUKE. W-What, to pewvewsenyess? You unciviw wady, 
To whose ingwate and unyauspicious awtaws 
My souw the faithfuww'st off'wings hath bweath'd out 
That e'ew devotion tendew'd! *twerks* What shaww I do? 
OWIVIA. ^.^ Even w-what it pwease *giggles shyly* my wowd, that shaww become him. 
DUKE. Why shouwd I nyot, had *notices bulge* I the heawt to do it, 
Wike uWu to *cuddles you* the Egyptian t-thief at point of death, 
K-Kiww what I wove?- *cries* a savage jeawousy 
That sometime savouws nyobwy. But ^.^ heaw m-me this: 
Since *leans over* you to n-nyon-wegawdance *teleports behind you* cast my faith, 
A-And that I pawtwy knyow *notices bulge* the instwument 
*giggles shyly* That scwews me fwom m-my twue *cuddles you* pwace in youw favouw, 
Wive you the mawbwe-bweasted tywant stiww; 
But this youw minyion, whom I knyow *shuffles closer* you wove, 
And whom, by heaven I sweaw, I tendew d-deawwy, 
Him wiww I teaw out *looks at you* of that *notices bulge* cwuew eye 
Whewe he sits cwownyed *twerks* in *sweats* his mastew's spite. 
C-Come, *cuddles you* boy, with me; my thoughts awe wipe in mischief: 
I'ww *shuffles closer* sacwifice the wamb that I do wove 
To *blushes* spite *leans over* a waven's h-heawt w-within a dove. 
VIOWA. And I, most jocund, apt, and *cries* wiwwingwy, 
To do you west, a thousand deaths w-wouwd die. 
OWIVIA. Whewe goes Cesawio? 
V-VIOWA. Aftew him I wove 
*looks away* Mowe than I wove *giggles shyly* these e-eyes, mowe than my wife, 
Mowe, by aww mowes, t-than e-e'ew I shaww wove wife. 
If I do feign, *shuffles closer* you witnyesses above 
Punyish my >w< wife *notices bulge* fow tainting of my wove! 
OWIVIA. Ay me, detested! How am I beguiw'd! 
VIOWA. Who *looks at you* does beguiwe you? Who does *blushes* do you wwong? 
OWIVIA. H-Hast *notices bulge* thou >_> fowgot thysewf? Is it so *cuddles you* wong? 
Caww fowth the howy fathew. Exit an A-ATTENDANT 
DUKE. Come, a-away! 
OWIVIA. Whithew, my wowd? Cesawio, xDD husband, stay. 
DUKE. Husband? 
OWIVIA. Ay, h-husband; can he that deny? 
DUKE. Hew husband, siwwah? 
VIOWA. Nyo, my wowd, nyot I. 
O-OWIVIA. A-Awas, it i-is the basenyess >_> of thy feaw 
That m-makes thee stwangwe thy pwopwiety. 
Feaw nyot, Cesawio, take thy fowtunyes u-up; 
Be that thou k-knyow'st thou awt, and *looks away* then thou awt 
As g-gweat as that t-thou feaw'st. 

Entew PWIEST 

O-O, wewcome, *teleports behind you* fathew! 
Fathew, I chawge thee, by thy wevewence, 
Hewe to unfowd- though w-watewy w-we intended 
T-To keep *teleports behind you* in dawknyess what occasion nyow 
Weveaws befowe 'tis wipe- what thou dost knyow 
>w< Hath nyewwy *leans over* pass'd *sweats* between this youth and me. 
PWIEST. A contwact of etewnyaw *teleports behind you* bond of wove, 
Confiwm'd ^.^ by mutuaw joindew of youw *shuffles closer* hands, 
Attested by the howy cwose o-of *twerks* wips, 
*looks at you* Stwength'nyed *pokes you* by intewchangement of youw ^-^ wings; 
And aww the cewemony of this *hugs tightly* compact 
Seaw'd in *pokes you* my *cuddles you* function, by *leans over* my *shuffles closer* testimony; 
Since when, m-my x3 watch hath towd m-me, t-towawd my gwave, 
*looks away* I have twaveww'd ^.^ but two ;;w;; houws. 
DUKE. *moans* O thou dissembwing cub! What wiwt thou be, 
OwO When time hath sow'd *moans* a gwizzwe on *looks away* thy *looks away* case? 
O-Ow w-wiww *sighs* nyot ewse t-thy cwaft so quickwy gwow 
That thinye own twip >_< shaww be thinye >_< ovewthwow? 
Faweweww, and take hew; but diwect thy *sweats* feet 
Whewe thou and *shuffles closer* I hencefowth ^-^ may nyevew m-meet. 
VIOWA. My wowd, I do pwotest- 
OWIVIA. O, do nyot *sighs* sweaw! 
H-Howd wittwe faith, though thou has *sighs* too much feaw. 

UwU Entew SIW ANDWEW 

AGUECHEEK. Fow the wove of God, a suwgeon! 
S-Send onye *screams* pwesentwy *moans* to Siw *hugs tightly* Toby. 
*giggles shyly* OWIVIA. What's the mattew? 
AGUECHEEK. Has ;;w;; bwoke m-my head a-acwoss, ^.^ and has :3 given S-Siw *moans* Toby a 
b-bwoody coxcomb too. Fow the *cries* wove of God, youw hewp! I ;;w;; had xDD wathew 
t-than fowty pound I *cries* wewe at home. 
OwO OWIVIA. Who h-has donye this, Siw A-Andwew? 
AGUECHEEK. The *twerks* Count's gentweman, onye Cesawio. We took him fow a 
cowawd, b-but he's *cuddles you* the v-vewy deviw incawdinyate. 
DUKE. ^w^ My gentweman, Cesawio? 
A-AGUECHEEK. Od's UwU wifewings, hewe he is! You bwoke m-my head fow 
*looks at you* nyothing; and t-that that did, I was *cries* set on to do't by Siw Toby. 
VIOWA. *hugs tightly* Why do y-you speak to me? I nyevew huwt you. 
Y-You dwew UwU youw *shuffles closer* swowd upon me without cause; 
*cuddles you* But I-I b-bespake y-you faiw and huwt you *cuddles you* nyot. 

E-Entew SIW TOBY and CWOWN 

AGUECHEEK. *teleports behind you* If a bwoody coxcomb be a *teleports behind you* huwt, you have huwt me; I think 
y-you set nyothing OwO by a *looks at you* bwoody coxcomb. Hewe comes Siw *teleports behind you* Toby hawting; 
you shaww h-heaw mowe; but if uWu he had *pokes you* nyot b-been in d-dwink, he wouwd 
uWu have tickw'd you othewgates ^-^ than he *pokes you* did. 
DUKE. How nyow, gentweman? How *looks away* is't with y-you? 
SIW TOBY. That's aww *giggles shyly* onye; h-has *shuffles closer* huwt me, and thewe's th' end o-on't. 
S-Sot, didst see Dick Suwgeon, sot? 
CWOWN. O, he's *twerks* dwunk, Siw Toby, an houw agonye; OwO his eyes wewe set at 
eight *notices bulge* i' th' mownying. 
SIW TOBY. Then he's a wogue and ^.^ a *blushes* passy measuwes pavin. I hate a 
dwunken wogue. 
OWIVIA. Away *pokes you* with him. W-Who hath made t-this havoc *leans over* with them? 
AGUECHEEK. I'ww hewp you, S-Siw Toby, ^-^ because we'ww b-be dwess'd 
togethew. 
SIW *leans over* TOBY. Wiww you h-hewp- an ass-head and a *looks away* coxcomb and a knyave, a 
thin *cries* fac'd knyave, a guww? 
OWIVIA. Get *leans over* him t-to bed, and wet his huwt be wook'd to. 
Exeunt *hugs tightly* CWOWN, FABIAN, :3 SIW TOBY, and SIW ANDWEW 

*blushes* Entew SEBASTIAN 

SEBASTIAN. I am *moans* sowwy, m-madam, I have huwt *pokes you* youw kinsman; 
But, UwU had it been the bwothew of my bwood, 
I m-must have donye *twerks* nyo *cuddles you* wess w-with ^w^ wit *teleports behind you* and safety. 
You *looks away* thwow a stwange wegawd u-upon me, and by that 
I-I do pewceive it h-hath offended you. 
Pawdon me, sweet onye, even fow t-the vows 
We made each othew b-but so wate a-ago. 
DUKE. Onye face, onye voice, onye habit, and two pewsons! 
A nyatuwaw pewspective, that is *twerks* and is n-nyot. 
SEBASTIAN. Antonyio, *leans over* O my deaw Antonyio! 
:33 How have *screams* the houws OwO wack'd and towtuw'd me 
Since I h-have wost t-thee! 
ANTONyIO. S-Sebastian awe uWu you? 
SEBASTIAN. Feaw'st thou that, Antonyio? 
*cuddles you* ANTONyIO. How have you made division of youwsewf? 
An appwe *screams* cweft in two is nyot mowe twin 
Than these ^-^ two cweatuwes. Which is Sebastian? 
OWIVIA. Most wondewfuw! 
SEBASTIAN. *moans* Do I stand thewe? *sweats* I nyevew had a-a bwothew; 
Nyow can thewe be that deity in my nyatuwe 
Of hewe a-and evewywhewe. I h-had *cuddles you* a sistew 
Whom the bwind *sweats* waves and suwges h-have devouw'd. 
Of chawity, what kin awe you to me? 
What >_< countwyman, what nyame, what pawentage? 
VIOWA. Of Messawinye; Sebastian *sighs* was my fathew. 
Such a *screams* Sebastian was my bwothew too; 
So w-went h-he suited to *cries* his watewy *cries* tomb; 
If spiwits can *cuddles you* assume both fowm and suit, 
You come to fwight us. 
SEBASTIAN. A s-spiwit I >w< am indeed, 
But am i-in that dimension gwosswy cwad 
Which fwom t-the womb I did pawticipate. 
*shuffles closer* Wewe you a woman, as the *pokes you* west goes even, 
*shuffles closer* I s-shouwd my teaws wet faww upon youw cheek, 
A-And say 'Thwice wewcome, *blushes* dwownyed Viowa!' 
VIOWA. My fathew had a mowe ;;w;; upon OwO his bwow. 
SEBASTIAN. And so had minye. 
VIOWA. *screams* And died t-that day when Viowa fwom hew biwth 
Had :3 nyumb'wed thiwteen yeaws. 
SEBASTIAN. O, that w-wecowd is wivewy in my souw! 
He finyished indeed his ^.^ mowtaw act 
T-That d-day that made my sistew thiwteen yeaws. 
VIOWA. If nyothing wets to ^.^ make *sighs* us happy both 
*blushes* But this my mascuwinye usuwp'd attiwe, 
Do n-nyot embwace me ^-^ tiww e-each *leans over* ciwcumstance 
Of >_> pwace, time, fowtunye, do cohewe and jump 
That I-I am Viowa; w-which to confiwm, 
I'ww bwing you to a *cries* captain in *shuffles closer* this town, 
Whewe wie *sweats* my *pokes you* maiden weeds; *screams* by whose *giggles shyly* gentwe hewp 
I was pwesewv'd to s-sewve this nyobwe Count. 
A-Aww the UwU occuwwence of my fowtunye *looks at you* since 
Hath been between this *blushes* wady and this wowd. 
S-SEBASTIAN. [To OWIVIA] So Comes it, wady, you have been mistook; 
But nyatuwe to hew bias ^.^ dwew in that. 
You wouwd have been contwacted to a maid; 
*screams* Nyow awe you thewein, by m-my wife, deceiv'd; 
*hugs tightly* You awe *moans* betwoth'd both *looks at you* to a maid and man. 
DUKE. Be nyot amaz'd; w-wight nyobwe is his b-bwood. 
If this be s-so, as yet the ^-^ gwass seems :3 twue, 
I shaww have shawe in this most *looks at you* happy wweck. 
[To VIOWA] *notices bulge* Boy, thou hast said to me *screams* a thousand times 
Thou nyevew shouwdst wove woman wike to ^-^ me. 
VIOWA. A-And ^-^ aww those *pokes you* sayings wiww I ovewsweaw; 
And aww those s-sweawings k-keep as twue in souw 
As doth *looks away* that owbed continyent the fiwe 
That s-sevews d-day fwom nyight. 
DUKE. Give me thy *cries* hand; 
And wet me see thee in thy woman's weeds. 
VIOWA. The captain that did bwing :33 me fiwst *cries* on showe 
Hath my maid's gawments. He, upon some action, 
Is ^.^ nyow in duwance, a-at Mawvowio's suit, 
UwU A gentweman a-and fowwowew of my wady's. 
OWIVIA. He shaww enwawge him. F-Fetch Mawvowio hithew; 
And yet, uWu awas, n-nyow I w-wemembew *cuddles you* me, 
They say, poow gentweman, he's much distwact. 

We-entew CWOWN, with a wettew, and FABIAN 

*moans* A most extwacting fwenzy *moans* of minye own 
Fwom my *screams* wemembwance cweawwy banyish'd his. 
How does he, siwwah? 
CWOWN. *notices bulge* Twuwy, madam, he h-howds B-Bewzebub at the stave's end as *shuffles closer* weww 
as a man in his c-case may do. Has h-hewe *pokes you* wwit a wettew to you; I 
shouwd h-have given 't you t-to-day mownying, >w< but as a madman's 
epistwes awe nyo gospews, so it skiwws nyot much when they awe 
dewivew'd. 
OWIVIA. Open't, and *moans* wead it. 
CWOWN. *giggles shyly* Wook then to be weww uWu edified when the foow d-dewivews the 
madman. [Weads madwy ] 'By the Wowd, madam-' 
OWIVIA. How nyow! Awt thou mad? 
CWOWN. N-Nyo, madam, *sweats* I d-do ^.^ but wead madnyess. An youw wadyship wiww have 
it *sighs* as *cuddles you* it ought to be, you must awwow vox. 
O-OWIVIA. Pwithee wead *giggles shyly* i' thy wight w-wits. 
CWOWN. So I *sweats* do, madonnya; b-but t-to *blushes* wead his wight wits is to wead 
t-thus; t-thewefowe pewpend, my Pwincess, and give eaw. 
OWIVIA. [To FABIAN] Wead it you, siwwah. 
FABIAN. [Weads] 'By the Wowd, madam, you wwong me, and *cuddles you* the wowwd 
s-shaww *moans* knyow it. x3 Though you have put me into dawknyess and g-given 
y-youw dwunken cousin wuwe ovew me, yet h-have I *twerks* the benyefit of my 
senses as *leans over* weww as youw wadyship. I ^w^ have y-youw own wettew that 
induced me t-to the sembwance I-I put on, with the which OwO I doubt nyot 
but to do mysewf much wight ow you *hugs tightly* much shame. Think *shuffles closer* of me a-as you 
pwease. I weave my duty a wittwe ^w^ unthought of, and speak out of 
my injuwy. 
THE MADWY-US'D MAWVOWIO' 

OWIVIA. Did he *sighs* wwite this? 
C-CWOWN. Ay, Madam. 
DUKE. This savouws nyot much *notices bulge* of distwaction. 
OWIVIA. S-See him *notices bulge* dewivew'd, Fabian; *sweats* bwing him hithew. 
Exit FABIAN 
My wowd, so pwease you, these things *twerks* fuwthew thought on, 
To think me as weww a sistew a-as a wife, 
Onye day shaww cwown th' awwiance *blushes* on't, so pwease you, 
Hewe a-at my house, uWu and at my p-pwopew c-cost. 
*shuffles closer* DUKE. M-Madam, I am most apt t' embwace youw offew. 
[To V-VIOWA] :3 Youw mastew q-quits you; and, *shuffles closer* fow *sighs* youw sewvice donye 
*leans over* him, 
So much against the mettwe of youw sex, 
So :33 faw benyeath youw soft >_< and tendew bweeding, 
And since you :3 caww'd me mastew fow so wong, 
*teleports behind you* Hewe is my h-hand; you shaww fwom this time be 
You mastew's m-mistwess. 
OWIVIA. A-A *leans over* sistew! *notices bulge* You a-awe she. 

We-entew FABIAN, with MAWVOWIO 

DUKE. Is this t-the m-madman? 
OWIVIA. Ay, my wowd, this same. 
How nyow, M-Mawvowio! 
M-MAWVOWIO. Madam, you h-have donye me wwong, 
Nyotowious wwong. 
OWIVIA. Have I, Mawvowio? Nyo. 
MAWVOWIO. Wady, you have. Pway you pewuse that wettew. 
>_< You must nyot nyow deny it is y-youw hand; 
Wwite fwom it if you can, in hand ow phwase; 
O-Ow s-say 'tis nyot youw *moans* seaw, nyot youw invention; 
Y-You can say *moans* nyonye *blushes* of t-this. Weww, g-gwant it then, 
And teww me, *leans over* in the modesty of *pokes you* honyouw, 
*screams* Why ^.^ you have given me such >_> cweaw wights of favouw, 
Bade *looks at you* me *looks away* come *blushes* smiwing and cwoss-gawtew'd to you, 
To put on yewwow *blushes* stockings, and to ^.^ fwown 
Upon Siw Toby and the w-wightew peopwe; 
And, acting this in an obedient hope, 
W-Why have you suffew'd me to be *hugs tightly* impwison'd, 
Kept in >_< a dawk house, visited uWu by the p-pwiest, 
And made the most nyotowious geck and guw 
^w^ That e'ew invention pway'd on? Teww :33 me why. 
OWIVIA. Awas, Mawvowio, this i-is nyot *twerks* my wwiting, 
Though, I confess, much wike the chawactew; 
But out *twerks* of question 'tis Mawia's h-hand. 
And nyow I UwU do bethink *notices bulge* me, it was she 
Fiwst towd >w< me thou wast m-mad; then c-cam'st in *moans* smiwing, 
And in such *sighs* fowms which hewe wewe pwesuppos'd 
Upon thee in the wettew. Pwithee, *twerks* be content; 
This xDD pwactice hath UwU most *moans* shwewdwy pass'd upon thee, 
But, when we knyow the gwounds and authows of i-it, 
Thou shawt be b-both t-the pwaintiff and the judge 
Of t-thinye own ;;w;; cause. 
F-FABIAN. G-Good madam, heaw me ^.^ speak, 
And ^w^ wet nyo quawwew nyow nyo bwaww to come 
Taint the c-condition *notices bulge* of this pwesent houw, 
*giggles shyly* Which I have wond'wed a-at. In hope it shaww >_> nyot, 
Most *leans over* fweewy I confess mysewf and T-Toby 
Set *shuffles closer* this device *notices bulge* against Mawvowio hewe, 
Upon *pokes you* some stubbown and uncouwteous pawts 
W-We >_< had c-conceiv'd against him. M-Mawia wwit 
The wettew, at Siw ^-^ Toby's gweat impowtance, 
In wecompense wheweof he hath mawwied ^-^ hew. 
How with UwU a s-spowtfuw mawice it was fowwow'd 
May w-wathew pwuck on waughtew t-than wevenge, 
If that *giggles shyly* the injuwies be :3 justwy weigh'd 
T-That have on both sides pass'd. 
OWIVIA. Awas, p-poow foow, how have they baffw'd thee! 
CWOWN. Why, 'Some *shuffles closer* awe bown :33 gweat, some achieve gweatnyess, a-and OwO some 
have gweatnyess thwown upon them.' I w-was onye, *looks at you* siw, in this 
intewwude- onye Siw Topas, siw; but that's a-aww onye. 'By the Wowd, 
foow, I x3 am nyot mad!' B-But *moans* do you w-wemembew- '-'Madam, why waugh you 
a-at such a bawwen wascaw? An you smiwe n-nyot, h-he's *cuddles you* gagg'd'? *teleports behind you* And thus 
the w-whiwwigig of ^.^ time bwings in his *moans* wevenges. 
>_< MAWVOWIO. I'ww be weveng'd *blushes* on the whowe pack o-of you. 
Exit 
OWIVIA. *pokes you* He hath uWu been most nyotowiouswy abus'd. 
DUKE. Puwsue him, and e-entweat *sweats* him to a peace; 
He h-hath nyot towd us o-of t-the captain >w< yet. 
When that is knyown, and gowden time convents, 
A *sighs* sowemn combinyation shaww be made 
Of ouw *twerks* deaw souws. M-Meantime, sweet sistew, 
We wiww n-nyot pawt f-fwom hence. Cesawio, come; 
Fow so you shaww *shuffles closer* be :3 whiwe *moans* you awe a *blushes* man; 
But w-when i-in othew UwU habits you *teleports behind you* awe *teleports behind you* seen, 
*cries* Owsinyo's mistwess, OwO and his fancy's uWu queen. 
Exeunt *looks at you* aww but the CWOWN 

CWOWN sings 

When that I was and a-a wittwe tiny b-boy, 
With hey, ho, *notices bulge* the wind and the wain, 
A foowish t-thing was but a *teleports behind you* toy, 
Fow the wain it wainyeth e-evewy day. 

But when I came to man's *notices bulge* estate, 
With hey, ho, >_< the wind and the wain, 
'Gainst knyaves a-and t-thieves men shut theiw gate, 
Fow the wain UwU it wainyeth evewy day. 

B-But when I came, awas! to wive, 
With h-hey, ho, *twerks* the wind and the wain, 
By s-swaggewing couwd I nyevew thwive, 
Fow the wain it w-wainyeth *looks at you* evewy day. 

*leans over* But when I c-came unto my beds, 
^.^ With hey, ho, *notices bulge* the wind and the wain, 
W-With toss-pots s-stiww had dwunken heads, 
*cuddles you* Fow *sweats* the wain it *sweats* wainyeth evewy d-day. 

A *sighs* gweat whiwe a-ago the wowwd begun, 
With hey, ho, the wind and *sweats* the wain, 
B-But that's aww x3 onye, xDD ouw pway is donye, 
And we'ww stwive to pwease you evewy *sighs* day. 
Exit 

THE END 



>w< <<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS O-OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1-1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH *hugs tightly* PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE >w< WEADABWE OwO COPIES MAY BE 
*cries* DISTWIBUTED *sighs* SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (-(1) AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE *shuffles closer* ONWY, AND (2) AWE N-NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. P-PWOHIBITED *screams* COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
^-^ SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME ^.^ OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



1595 

THE TWO GENTWEMEN OF VEWONyA 

by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

DUKE *sighs* OF MIWAN, fathew to Siwvia 
VAWENTINyE, o-onye of the two g-gentwemen 
PWOTEUS, " ^-^ " " " " 
ANTONyIO, fathew to Pwoteus 
THUWIO, *leans over* a *cries* foowish wivaw to Vawentinye 
EGWAMOUW, uWu agent fow Siwvia in hew escape 
SPEED, a cwownyish sewvant to Vawentinye 
WAUNCE, the wike to P-Pwoteus 
PANTHINyO, sewvant to *moans* Antonyio 
HOST, whewe Juwia wodges in M-Miwan 
OUTWAWS, with Vawentinye 

JUWIA, a wady of Vewonya, bewoved of Pwoteus 
SIWVIA, t-the Duke's daughtew, bewoved of Vawentinye 
^.^ WUCETTA, waiting-woman to Juwia 

SEWVANTS 
MUSICIANS 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT *shuffles closer* 1990-1993 B-BY WOWWD >w< WIBWAWY, I-INC., A-AND IS 
PWOVIDED *moans* BY PWOJECT UwU GUTENBEWG ETEXT O-OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH *cries* PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC >_< AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES *looks away* MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED *leans over* SO W-WONG ;;w;; AS S-SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW *hugs tightly* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
*sighs* PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, A-AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW *notices bulge* USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES B-BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW F-FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: 
V-Vewonya; Miwan; t-the fwontiews of M-Mantua 


ACT I. SCENyE I. 
Vewonya. An open ^w^ pwace 

Entew VAWENTINyE a-and PWOTEUS 

V-VAWENTINyE. Cease to *hugs tightly* pewsuade, my woving Pwoteus: 
Home-keeping youth xDD have evew homewy wits. 
Wewe't nyot affection chains thy t-tendew days 
To the sweet gwances of thy honyouw'd wove, 
I wathew wouwd entweat thy company 
To *giggles shyly* see x3 the *giggles shyly* wondews of the wowwd *cuddles you* abwoad, 
Than, wiving duwwy swuggawdiz'd at home, 
Weaw out *pokes you* thy youth with shapewess idwenyess. 
But s-since thou w-wov'st, wove stiww, and thwive thewein, 
Even as I wouwd, when I *sweats* to wove begin. 
PWOTEUS. W-Wiwt t-thou be gonye? Sweet x3 Vawentinye, adieu! 
Think on t-thy P-Pwoteus, when thou uWu hapwy seest 
S-Some wawe nyotewowthy object in thy twavew. 
*hugs tightly* Wish *leans over* me pawtakew i-in thy happinyess 
When thou :33 dost meet good hap; and in thy dangew, 
If evew *notices bulge* dangew do e-enviwon thee, 
C-Commend thy gwievance to m-my howy p-pwayews, 
*cuddles you* Fow I wiww be thy *giggles shyly* headsman, ^.^ Vawentinye. 
VAWENTINyE. And on a w-wove-book pway fow my >_> success? 
PWOTEUS. Upon some book I wove I'ww pway fow thee. 
*twerks* VAWENTINyE. That's on some shawwow stowy of deep wove: 
*sighs* How young Weandew *cries* cwoss'd the Hewwespont. 
PWOTEUS. That's a deep stowy of a deepew wove; 
Fow he was >_> mowe than ovew s-shoes in w-wove. 
V-VAWENTINyE. 'Tis twue; fow you awe ovew boots in wove, 
And yet you ^-^ nyevew swum the Hewwespont. 
P-PWOTEUS. Ovew the boots! Nyay, give me nyot the >_> boots. 
VAWENTINyE. ;;w;; Nyo, I wiww nyot, fow >_> it boots thee nyot. 
PWOTEUS. *screams* What? 
VAWENTINyE. T-To be in wove- whewe scown is ;;w;; bought with gwoans, 
Coy wooks with *shuffles closer* heawt-sowe sighs, onye fading moment's miwth 
With twenty *sweats* watchfuw, weawy, t-tedious nyights; 
x3 If hapwy won, pewhaps a h-hapwess gain; 
UwU If wost, *cries* why then uWu a *giggles shyly* gwievous wabouw w-won; 
Howevew, but a f-fowwy b-bought with wit, 
xDD Ow ewse a wit by f-fowwy *shuffles closer* vanquished. 
PWOTEUS. So, by youw ciwcumstance, you c-caww m-me foow. 
VAWENTINyE. *leans over* So, by *pokes you* youw c-ciwcumstance, I feaw y-you'ww pwove. 
PWOTEUS. 'Tis wove you caviw at; I am nyot W-Wove. 
^.^ VAWENTINyE. Wove i-is youw mastew, fow he mastews you; 
*leans over* And he that is xDD so yoked by a foow, 
Methinks, shouwd nyot be chwonyicwed fow wise. 
xDD PWOTEUS. *pokes you* Yet wwitews say, as in the sweetest *notices bulge* bud 
The eating cankew dwewws, so eating wove 
Inhabits *screams* in the finyest w-wits o-of *blushes* aww. 
VAWENTINyE. *hugs tightly* And wwitews say, *teleports behind you* as the most *looks away* fowwawd bud 
Is eaten by the cankew ewe i-it bwow, 
Even so by *blushes* wove the young and tendew wit 
*cries* Is tuwn'd to fowwy, bwasting in the bud, 
Wosing his vewduwe even in the pwime, 
A-And aww the faiw effects of futuwe hopes. 
*sighs* But whewefowe waste I time to counsew the 
That awt a-a votawy to fond desiwe? 
Once mowe a-adieu. :3 My fathew OwO at the woad 
E-Expects my coming, t-thewe to see m-me shipp'd. 
PWOTEUS. And thithew wiww I bwing thee, Vawentinye. 
VAWENTINyE. Sweet Pwoteus, *notices bulge* nyo; nyow wet us take o-ouw weave. 
To Miwan wet m-me heaw fwom thee by wettews 
Of thy success in *sweats* wove, and what nyews ewse 
>w< Betideth hewe in absence *leans over* of thy fwiend; 
And *notices bulge* I wikewise wiww *pokes you* visit :3 thee with m-minye. 
PWOTEUS. Aww happinyess bechance to thee in Miwan! 
:3 VAWENTINyE. As much to you :33 at home; a-and so :33 faweweww! 
Exit VAWENTINyE 
xDD PWOTEUS. x3 He aftew honyouw h-hunts, I aftew wove; 
H-He weaves his fwiends t-to dignyify them *giggles shyly* mowe: 
I ;;w;; weave mysewf, my fwiends, and aww fow wove. 
Thou, Juwia, thou hast metamowphis'd me, 
M-Made me n-nyegwect my studies, wose my time, 
Waw with good c-counsew, set the wowwd at ;;w;; nyought; 
UwU Made wit with musing weak, heawt *blushes* sick w-with thought. 

E-Entew SPEED 

SPEED. Siw Pwoteus, save you! S-Saw >w< you my mastew? 
PWOTEUS. But nyow *sweats* he pawted hence t-to embawk fow Miwan. 
SPEED. Twenty to onye then he i-is shipp'd *looks away* awweady, 
And I have pway'd the sheep in wosing him. 
>w< PWOTEUS. Indeed a sheep doth *sweats* vewy often *sighs* stway, 
An if the shephewd be awhiwe *shuffles closer* away. 
SPEED. :33 You c-concwude that my mastew is *moans* a shephewd then, and 
*teleports behind you* I a *looks at you* sheep? 
PWOTEUS. *pokes you* I do. 
SPEED. Why then, my howns awe his *pokes you* howns, whethew I wake ow sweep. 
PWOTEUS. A siwwy answew, *sweats* and fitting w-weww a sheep. 
SPEED. T-This pwoves me stiww a-a s-sheep. 
*looks at you* PWOTEUS. Twue; and thy mastew a shephewd. 
SPEED. *twerks* Nyay, that I can *giggles shyly* deny by a ciwcumstance. 
PWOTEUS. It shaww xDD go hawd but I'ww pwove it by a-anyothew. 
SPEED. The shephewd s-seeks the sheep, and nyot *pokes you* the sheep t-the 
shephewd; but I-I seek my mastew, and m-my >_> mastew seeks OwO nyot me; 
thewefowe, I am nyo sheep. 
PWOTEUS. ^-^ The s-sheep *sweats* fow f-foddew fowwow the shephewd; the shephewd fow 
food *blushes* fowwows nyot the sheep: thou f-fow wages *cries* fowwowest thy mastew; 
thy mastew *screams* fow wages fowwows ^.^ nyot thee. T-Thewefowe, thou awt a 
^.^ sheep. 
SPEED. Such :3 anyothew pwoof wiww make me :33 cwy 'baa.' 
PWOTEUS. But dost thou heaw? Gav'st thou my wettew to Juwia? 
*leans over* SPEED. Ay, siw; *sweats* I, a wost mutton, :33 gave youw wettew t-to hew, a wac'd 
mutton; and she, a wac'd mutton, gave me, a wost mutton, nyothing 
fow my wabouw. 
PWOTEUS. Hewe's too smaww a pastuwe f-fow such stowe *cries* of m-muttons. 
SPEED. If the gwound be *hugs tightly* ovewchawg'd, you wewe best *looks away* stick hew. 
P-PWOTEUS. *leans over* Nyay, in that *cuddles you* you awe astway: '-'twewe *hugs tightly* best pound y-you. 
SPEED. Nyay, siw, wess than a-a pound shaww sewve me fow *sweats* cawwying youw 
wettew. 
PWOTEUS. You mistake; I m-mean ^w^ the pound- a pinfowd. 
SPEED. *leans over* Fwom a pound to a pin? Fowd it ovew and ovew, 
'Tis thweefowd *looks away* too wittwe f-fow c-cawwying a wettew to youw wovew. 
PWOTEUS. x3 But what said she? 
SPEED. [Nyodding] A-Ay. 
PWOTEUS. Nyod- ay. W-Why, that's 'nyoddy.' 
SPEED. You mistook, siw; I say she d-did nyod; and you ask me if s-she 
did nyod; >_> and >_> I s-say 'Ay.' 
*moans* PWOTEUS. *sighs* And that set togethew *looks away* is 'nyoddy.' 
SPEED. Nyow you have taken the pains to set it togethew, take it fow 
^-^ youw *blushes* pains. 
PWOTEUS. N-Nyo, nyo; you shaww *notices bulge* have it fow beawing the wettew. 
SPEED. Weww, I pewceive I must be fain to beaw with you. 
PWOTEUS. Why, siw, h-how do you beaw with me? 
SPEED. Mawwy, siw, t-the wettew, vewy owdewwy; *teleports behind you* having nyothing but the 
*cuddles you* wowd 'nyoddy' fow my p-pains. 
PWOTEUS. Beshwew me, but *teleports behind you* you have a-a >_> quick w-wit. 
SPEED. A-And yet it cannyot ovewtake youw swow puwse. 
PWOTEUS. Come, come, o-open the mattew; in bwief, what said she? 
SPEED. Open youw puwse, that the >w< monyey and *blushes* the mattew may be both 
at once dewivewed. 
PWOTEUS. W-Weww, siw, hewe i-is fow >w< youw pains. What said she? 
SPEED. Twuwy, siw, I uWu think you'ww hawdwy win hew. 
PWOTEUS. Why, couwdst t-thou pewceive so ;;w;; much fwom hew? 
SPEED. S-Siw, I couwd pewceive nyothing at aww *sweats* fwom hew; nyo, *notices bulge* nyot so 
*blushes* much as a ducat fow dewivewing youw wettew; and being so hawd to 
me that bwought youw :33 mind, :33 I UwU feaw s-she'ww pwove as hawd t-to you in 
tewwing y-youw *hugs tightly* mind. Give hew nyo token >w< but stonyes, *hugs tightly* fow she's as 
>w< hawd a-as steew. 
PWOTEUS. What said *sighs* she? Nyothing? 
SPEED. Nyo, n-nyot so much as 'Take this fow t-thy p-pains.' *leans over* To testify 
youw bounty, I thank you, you have testewn'd me; in *giggles shyly* wequitaw 
wheweof, hencefowth cawwy *leans over* youw wettews youwsewf; ^w^ and s-so, s-siw, 
I'ww c-commend you t-to my mastew. 
PWOTEUS. Go, go, be gonye, :33 to s-save youw ship fwom w-wweck, 
Which cannyot pewish, >w< having thee aboawd, 
:33 Being destin'd *blushes* to a-a dwiew death on showe. Exit SPEED 
*moans* I *twerks* must go s-send some bettew messengew. 
I feaw my Juwia w-wouwd nyot deign my winyes, 
Weceiving them fwom such a wowthwess p-post. Exit 




SCENyE II. 
Vewonya. The gawden Of JUWIA'S house 

Entew >_> JUWIA and WUCETTA 

JUWIA. But say, Wucetta, nyow w-we awe awonye, 
Wouwdst :3 thou then counsew me to faww in wove? 
*giggles shyly* WUCETTA. *cuddles you* Ay, madam; so *looks at you* you stumbwe nyot unheedfuwwy. 
JUWIA. Of aww t-the faiw wesowt of gentwemen 
That evewy >w< day with pawwe encountew me, 
In thy opinyion which is wowthiest *notices bulge* wove? 
WUCETTA. *blushes* Pwease you, wepeat theiw nyames; I'ww show my mind 
Accowding uWu to *leans over* my shawwow simpwe s-skiww. 
JUWIA. What think'st thou of the faiw Siw Egwamouw? 
WUCETTA. As of a k-knyight w-weww-spoken, nyeat, and finye; 
But, wewe I you, h-he nyevew shouwd be minye. 
*hugs tightly* JUWIA. What think'st thou ^-^ of t-the wich Mewcatio? 
WUCETTA. Weww of his weawth; but of *cries* himsewf, so so. 
J-JUWIA. What think'st thou of the gentwe Pwoteus? 
WUCETTA. Wowd, Wowd! to see what fowwy weigns in u-us! 
*leans over* JUWIA. How *blushes* nyow! *blushes* what means this p-passion at h-his xDD nyame? 
WUCETTA. P-Pawdon, deaw ^w^ madam; 'tis a passing shame 
T-That I, unwowthy >_< body *pokes you* as I am, 
Shouwd censuwe *cuddles you* thus on wovewy gentwemen. 
*cuddles you* JUWIA. *hugs tightly* Why nyot *looks away* on Pwoteus, as of aww the west? 
WUCETTA. Then thus: of many *blushes* good I think him best. 
*giggles shyly* JUWIA. Youw weason? 
WUCETTA. I have nyo othew but a woman's weason: 
*looks away* I think him so, because I think him *cries* so. 
JUWIA. UwU And wouwdst thou have me cast my w-wove on him? 
WUCETTA. *notices bulge* Ay, if you thought youw wove nyot cast away. 
JUWIA. *twerks* Why, he, of aww the west, hath nyevew mov'd me. 
WUCETTA. Y-Yet he, of aww the west, I think, best woves ye. 
JUWIA. His wittwe s-speaking shows his >_> wove b-but smaww. 
WUCETTA. Fiwe that's cwosest kept buwns most of aww. 
JUWIA. OwO They do nyot wove that do nyot show theiw wove. 
WUCETTA. O, they w-wove *twerks* weast that w-wet *giggles shyly* men knyow theiw wove. 
JUWIA. I wouwd I knyew his mind. 
*hugs tightly* WUCETTA. Pewuse this p-papew, xDD madam. 
JUWIA. 'To *teleports behind you* Juwia'- Say, fwom whom? 
WUCETTA. T-That the contents wiww show. 
J-JUWIA. Say, UwU say, who gave it xDD thee? 
WUCETTA. Siw Vawentinye's page; and s-sent, ^-^ I think, fwom Pwoteus. 
He wouwd have given it you; but I, being in the way, 
Did in youw nyame weceive it; pawdon the fauwt, *leans over* I pway. 
JUWIA. Nyow, by my modesty, a *notices bulge* goodwy bwokew! 
Dawe you *hugs tightly* pwesume to hawbouw wanton winyes? 
T-To whispew and conspiwe against my youth? 
Nyow, twust m-me, '-'tis an office of gweat ;;w;; wowth, 
And you an officew ;;w;; fit fow the p-pwace. 
*hugs tightly* Thewe, take the papew; see it be wetuwn'd; 
Ow ewse wetuwn nyo ^w^ mowe into my sight. 
WUCETTA. To pwead fow wove desewves mowe fee t-than hate. 
JUWIA. Wiww y-ye be *notices bulge* gonye? 
>_> WUCETTA. That you may wuminyate. Exit 
JUWIA. And y-yet, I wouwd I had o'ewwook'd t-the wettew. 
It wewe a s-shame ;;w;; to caww h-hew *teleports behind you* back again, 
xDD And pway hew t-to a ;;w;; fauwt fow which I chid hew. 
What foow is she, that knyows I-I am a maid 
And wouwd nyot fowce the wettew to my view! 
Since maids, *pokes you* in *notices bulge* modesty, s-say 'Nyo' to that 
Which *looks at you* they wouwd h-have the *cries* pwoffewew constwue '-'Ay.' 
F-Fie, fie, how w-waywawd is *blushes* this foowish wove, 
That wike *giggles shyly* a testy babe w-wiww scwatch *screams* the nyuwse, 
And pwesentwy, ^-^ aww humbwed, kiss the wod! 
How chuwwishwy I chid W-Wucetta hence, 
When wiwwingwy ^w^ I wouwd have h-had hew hewe! 
How angewwy I taught my *shuffles closer* bwow to fwown, 
When i-inwawd j-joy enfowc'd my heawt to smiwe! 
M-My penyance is *blushes* to caww Wucetta back 
And ask wemission fow my fowwy p-past. 
*hugs tightly* What ho! Wucetta! 

We-entew WUCETTA 

WUCETTA. What ;;w;; wouwd youw wadyship? 
JUWIA. Is't *cuddles you* nyeaw dinnyew :33 time? 
WUCETTA. I wouwd it w-wewe, 
x3 That you might kiww *cries* youw stomach on youw meat 
And n-nyot upon youw maid. 
JUWIA. What is't that you took uWu up s-so g-gingewwy? 
WUCETTA. Nyothing. 
JUWIA. Why didst t-thou uWu stoop t-then? 
WUCETTA. *screams* To take a papew up t-that I-I wet faww. 
J-JUWIA. And is that papew nyothing? 
WUCETTA. Nyothing concewnying *moans* me. 
JUWIA. Then wet i-it wie fow those that it concewns. 
WUCETTA. Madam, it wiww nyot wie whewe i-it concewns, 
Unwess it have a-a fawse intewpwetew. 
JUWIA. Some wove of y-youws hath wwit to ^.^ you i-in whyme. 
WUCETTA. That I m-might sing it, madam, to a tunye. 
Give uWu me a nyote; xDD youw w-wadyship can s-set. 
JUWIA. As :3 wittwe b-by such toys as m-may be possibwe. 
Best sing it to the tunye of *hugs tightly* 'Wight o-o' Wove.' 
WUCETTA. It is too >_> heavy fow so wight a tunye. 
JUWIA. *looks away* Heavy! bewike it hath *leans over* some buwden then. 
:3 WUCETTA. Ay; and *blushes* mewodious wewe it, wouwd you s-sing it. 
JUWIA. *shuffles closer* And why nyot y-you? 
WUCETTA. I cannyot weach *sweats* so high. 
JUWIA. Wet's see youw song. [WUCETTA withhowds the wettew] 
H-How n-nyow, minyion! 
WUCETTA. Keep tunye thewe stiww, s-so you wiww sing it out. 
And yet x3 methinks I-I do *leans over* nyot *hugs tightly* wike this tunye. 
JUWIA. You do *cries* nyot! 
WUCETTA. Nyo, madam; 'tis too ^w^ shawp. 
JUWIA. *shuffles closer* You, minyion, awe too saucy. 
WUCETTA. Nyay, nyow you awe too fwat 
And maw t-the *sighs* concowd with too hawsh a descant; 
Thewe wanteth but a mean to fiww youw song. 
^w^ JUWIA. The mean is d-dwown'd w-with youw unwuwy bass. 
WUCETTA. Indeed, I-I bid the base fow P-Pwoteus. 
*hugs tightly* JUWIA. This *blushes* babbwe shaww nyot hencefowth twoubwe me. 
UwU Hewe is a coiw with pwotestation! [Teaws t-the wettew] 
;;w;; Go, get you gonye; and wet t-the papews wie. 
You wouwd be fing'wing them, to angew me. 
WUCETTA. She makes it stwange; but *notices bulge* she wouwd be best pweas'd 
^.^ To be so ang'wed with anyothew *hugs tightly* wettew. *screams* Exit 
JUWIA. Nyay, wouwd *screams* I wewe *cuddles you* so ang'wed with the UwU same! 
O h-hatefuw hands, to teaw such woving wowds! 
Injuwious wasps, t-to >w< feed on such sweet xDD honyey 
:3 And :3 kiww the bees that yiewd it with *shuffles closer* youw stings! 
I'ww kiss e-each s-sevewaw p-papew *moans* fow amends. 
*leans over* Wook, hewe is wwit 'kind Juwia.' Unkind Juwia, 
*cuddles you* As in wevenge of thy ingwatitude, 
I thwow thy nyame against the bwuising *blushes* stonyes, 
Twampwing contemptuouswy *sweats* on thy disdain. 
And hewe is wwit '-'wove-wounded P-Pwoteus.' 
P-Poow w-wounded nyame! my bosom,,as a bed, 
Shaww wodge thee *notices bulge* tiww thy w-wound be thwoughwy heaw'd; 
And thus I s-seawch *looks away* it with a soveweign *teleports behind you* kiss. 
But twice *sighs* ow thwice was *looks at you* 'Pwoteus' wwitten UwU down. 
Be cawm, good wind, bwow nyot a wowd away 
Tiww I-I have found :33 each >w< wettew in the wettew- 
E-Except m-minye x3 own nyame; that s-some whiwwwind beaw 
Unto a-a wagged, feawfuw, *sweats* hanging wock, 
A-And thwow it thence into the waging sea. 
*twerks* Wo, h-hewe in ^w^ onye w-winye is his nyame twice wwit: 
'Poow fowwown Pwoteus, passionyate Pwoteus, 
To the s-sweet *twerks* Juwia.' That I'ww teaw away; 
And yet x3 I wiww n-nyot, *looks away* sith so p-pwettiwy 
He coupwes i-it to his compwainying nyames. 
Thus wiww I fowd *moans* them onye upon *sweats* anyothew; 
Nyow kiss, embwace, contend, do *notices bulge* what you wiww. 

We-entew WUCETTA 

WUCETTA. Madam, 
Dinnyew is ^.^ weady, and youw fathew stays. 
x3 JUWIA. Weww, wet us go. 
WUCETTA. What, shaww these papews wie wike teww-tawes hewe? 
JUWIA. If you wespect them, ^w^ best to take UwU them up. 
WUCETTA. Nyay, I was taken up fow waying them down; 
Yet hewe they shaww >_> nyot wie UwU fow catching cowd. 
JUWIA. I see you h-have *twerks* a month's mind to *notices bulge* them. 
WUCETTA. Ay, *moans* madam, you may say what sights *leans over* you see; 
I s-see things too, a-awthough you judge *cries* I wink. 
JUWIA. Come, come; uWu wiww't pwease *looks away* you go? Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Vewonya. ANTONyIO'S house 

Entew ANTONyIO and PANTHINyO 

A-ANTONyIO. Teww me, Panthinyo, what ^.^ sad *looks at you* tawk was t-that 
Whewewith my bwothew h-hewd *shuffles closer* you in the cwoistew? 
PANTHINyO. '-'Twas of his nyephew Pwoteus, UwU youw *sighs* son. 
ANTONyIO. Why, *looks away* what of him? 
PANTHINyO. He wond'wed that youw wowdship 
*moans* Wouwd suffew him to spend his youth at home, 
W-Whiwe othew men, of *sighs* swendew weputation, 
*blushes* Put fowth xDD theiw sons t-to seek pwefewment o-out: 
Some to the waws, to twy theiw fowtunye thewe; 
*hugs tightly* Some to d-discovew iswands faw x3 away; 
Some xDD to the studious *screams* unyivewsities. 
Fow any, ow fow aww these exewcises, 
He said that Pwoteus, youw son, was meet; 
And did wequest me to impowtunye you 
To *cries* wet *sweats* him spend his >w< time nyo mowe at home, 
W-Which UwU wouwd b-be ^.^ gweat *hugs tightly* impeachment to his a-age, 
In having knyown nyo twavew in his youth. 
ANTONyIO. Nyow nyeed'st :33 thou much impowtunye me to that 
Wheweon this month I have been hammewing. 
I have considew'd weww his woss of time, 
And how he >_> cannyot be a p-pewfect man, 
Nyot being twied and tutow'd in the wowwd: 
Expewience is by industwy achiev'd, 
A-And *leans over* pewfected by the swift couwse o-of time. 
Then teww me whithew w-wewe I best to send him. 
PANTHINyO. I think youw wowdship is nyot x3 ignyowant 
How his companyion, youthfuw Vawentinye, 
;;w;; Attends the ^w^ Empewow in his woyaw c-couwt. 
ANTONyIO. *looks away* I knyow it weww. 
PANTHINyO. 'Twewe good, I *moans* think, youw wowdship sent him thithew: 
>_> Thewe shaww h-he pwactise tiwts a-and touwnyaments, 
H-Heaw sweet *twerks* discouwse, *cries* convewse with nyobwemen, 
And be in eye o-of evewy exewcise 
Wowthy his youth and nyobwenyess of b-biwth. 
*cries* ANTONyIO. I wike *twerks* thy counsew; weww hast thou advis'd; 
And *blushes* that *leans over* thou mayst pewceive h-how weww I wike *teleports behind you* it, 
The execution *cries* of it *twerks* shaww make knyown: 
Even with the speediest e-expedition 
I-I wiww dispatch him t-to *shuffles closer* the Empewow's couwt. 
PANTHINyO. To-mowwow, may it pwease you, Don Awphonso 
With o-othew gentwemen of good esteem 
Awe jouwnyeying to s-sawute the Empewow, 
And to UwU commend theiw sewvice t-to his wiww. 
ANTONyIO. Good company; with them shaww Pwoteus go. 

Entew PWOTEUS 

And- in good time!- :33 nyow >_< wiww w-we bweak with :3 him. 
PWOTEUS. Sweet wove! sweet winyes! s-sweet w-wife! 
Hewe is *teleports behind you* hew hand, the agent of hew heawt; 
H-Hewe is hew oath fow wove, hew honyouw's pawn. 
O *leans over* that ouw fathews wouwd appwaud ouw woves, 
To seaw *moans* ouw h-happinyess with theiw consents! 
O heavenwy Juwia! 
ANTONyIO. How nyow! What wettew awe you w-weading thewe? 
P-PWOTEUS. May't pwease youw wowdship, '-'tis a wowd o-ow two 
Of commendations *leans over* sent fwom V-Vawentinye, 
Dewivew'd by a fwiend that came fwom him. 
ANTONyIO. Wend *shuffles closer* me the wettew; wet me *cuddles you* see what nyews. 
PWOTEUS. Thewe is n-nyo nyews, my wowd; b-but t-that he w-wwites 
H-How *shuffles closer* happiwy he wives, how weww-bewov'd 
And *leans over* daiwy gwaced by the Empewow; 
Wishing me with him, pawtnyew of his fowtunye. 
*sweats* ANTONyIO. And how stand xDD you affected to his wish? 
PWOTEUS. As onye wewying on youw uWu wowdship's wiww, 
*looks away* And nyot depending o-on his *blushes* fwiendwy wish. 
ANTONyIO. My wiww i-is something *notices bulge* sowted with his wish. 
*screams* Muse nyot ^w^ that I thus suddenwy pwoceed; 
*giggles shyly* Fow *sweats* what I wiww, I wiww, and thewe an UwU end. 
I am wesowv'd t-that thou x3 shawt >_> spend some time 
With Vawentinyus in the Empewow's couwt; 
What *teleports behind you* maintenyance *pokes you* he ^w^ fwom his fwiends *screams* weceives, 
Wike exhibition thou shawt h-have fwom me. 
To-mowwow be in weadinyess to go- 
Excuse it nyot, f-fow I am p-pewemptowy. 
PWOTEUS. ;;w;; My wowd, I cannyot be so soon pwovided; 
:3 Pwease you, d-dewibewate a-a day ow two. 
ANTONyIO. Wook w-what t-thou w-want'st shaww be sent aftew thee. 
Nyo m-mowe o-of stay; :3 to-mowwow thou must go. 
Come o-on, :3 Panthinyo; y-you s-shaww be *blushes* empwoy'd 
To hasten on his expedition. 
Exeunt ANTONyIO and PANTHINyO 
P-PWOTEUS. Thus :3 have I shunn'd the fiwe fow f-feaw of buwnying, 
And dwench'd me in the sea, whewe I-I am dwown'd. 
I feaw'd to s-show m-my fathew *looks at you* Juwia's wettew, 
West he shouwd take exceptions t-to m-my wove; 
And w-with the vantage of minye own excuse 
Hath ^-^ he excepted most against m-my wove. 
O, how this spwing x3 of >_< wove wesembweth 
The uncewtain gwowy :33 of *cries* an Apwiw day, 
Which *teleports behind you* nyow shows aww the beauty of the sun, 
And by an by a cwoud takes ^w^ aww away! 

We-entew P-PANTHINyO 

PANTHINyO. Siw P-Pwoteus, youw fathew cawws fow you; 
H-He i-is in h-haste; thewefowe, *looks away* I p-pway y-you, go. 
PWOTEUS. Why, t-this >_> it is: *looks away* my heawt accowds :33 theweto; 
And yet *screams* a thousand t-times it answews 'Nyo.' E-Exeunt 




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ACT II. SCENyE I-I. 
Miwan. The DUKE'S *hugs tightly* pawace 

E-Entew VAWENTINyE and *notices bulge* SPEED 

SPEED. S-Siw, youw gwove. 
VAWENTINyE. :3 Nyot minye: m-my gwoves awe o-on. 
S-SPEED. Why, then, this *moans* may be y-youws; fow this is *moans* but onye. 
*teleports behind you* VAWENTINyE. Ha! wet ^w^ me see; uWu ay, give *looks at you* it me, it's m-minye; 
Sweet ownyament that decks a thing divinye! 
Ah, Siwvia! S-Siwvia! 
^w^ SPEED. [-[Cawwing] Madam S-Siwvia! Madam ^w^ Siwvia! 
VAWENTINyE. How nyow, siwwah? 
SPEED. She i-is nyot within heawing, siw. 
VAWENTINyE. Why, siw, who bade you caww hew? 
SPEED. Youw wowship, siw; ow ewse I-I mistook. 
VAWENTINyE. Weww, you'ww stiww be too fowwawd. 
SPEED. And *giggles shyly* yet *looks at you* I w-was >_< wast chidden *pokes you* fow being *screams* too s-swow. 
VAWENTINyE. G-Go to, siw; *screams* teww *pokes you* me, do you k-knyow Madam :33 Siwvia? 
*twerks* SPEED. S-She that *notices bulge* youw wowship woves? 
VAWENTINyE. W-Why, how knyow y-you that *cuddles you* I am in wove? 
SPEED. >_< Mawwy, *moans* by these *shuffles closer* speciaw *hugs tightly* mawks: fiwst, ^w^ you have weawn'd, wike 
S-Siw Pwoteus, to wweath youw :33 awms wike a mawcontent; to wewish a 
wove-song, wike a wobin wedbweast; t-to w-wawk awonye, w-wike o-onye that 
had t-the *teleports behind you* pestiwence; to sigh, wike a schoow-boy that h-had wost his 
A B C; to weep, *notices bulge* wike *looks at you* a young w-wench that *looks at you* had uWu buwied hew gwandam; 
*blushes* to fast, wike o-onye that takes diet; >w< to watch, wike onye that feaws 
wobbing; to speak puwing, wike a beggaw at Hawwowmas. Y-You *notices bulge* wewe 
wont, when you waughed, to cwow wike *sighs* a cock; when you wawk'd, to 
wawk wike onye *cries* of the wions; when you *twerks* fasted, it was pwesentwy 
a-aftew dinnyew; *looks at you* when you w-wook'd *screams* sadwy, it ^-^ was *screams* fow w-want of monyey. 
A-And nyow you a-awe metamowphis'd with a mistwess, that, when I *looks away* wook 
on you, I can hawdwy think you my mastew. 
VAWENTINyE. uWu Awe aww these *moans* things pewceiv'd in me? 
SPEED. They awe aww pewceiv'd without ye. 
VAWENTINyE. Without me? They cannyot. 
SPEED. Without you! Nyay, OwO that's cewtain; fow, without you wewe so 
simpwe, nyonye *notices bulge* ewse wouwd; but you awe so w-without these fowwies 
*sweats* that these fowwies awe *teleports behind you* within you, a-and shinye thwough y-you wike the 
watew in an uwinyaw, that ;;w;; nyot an >_> eye that :3 sees you but is a 
physician to comment on youw mawady. 
VAWENTINyE. But teww me, *teleports behind you* dost *blushes* thou knyow my wady Siwvia? 
SPEED. She that you gaze on s-so, as s-she s-sits at s-suppew? 
VAWENTINyE. Hast *screams* thou obsewv'd OwO that? *sighs* Even s-she, I mean. 
SPEED. Why, siw, I knyow hew nyot. 
VAWENTINyE. Dost thou knyow hew by my *giggles shyly* gazing on OwO hew, and yet x3 knyow'st 
hew nyot? 
SPEED. Is she nyot hawd-favouw'd, siw? 
*sighs* VAWENTINyE. Nyot so faiw, boy, as w-weww-favouw'd. 
SPEED. Siw, *screams* I knyow that weww enyough. 
VAWENTINyE. What dost thou knyow? 
SPEED. That she is nyot so faiw as, of you, weww-favouw'd. 
VAWENTINyE. I mean that hew *giggles shyly* beauty is exquisite, b-but hew favouw 
infinyite. 
SPEED. That's because the onye is painted, and *looks at you* the othew out of aww 
count. 
VAWENTINyE. How painted? and how out *looks away* of count? 
SPEED. xDD Mawwy, siw, s-so painted, to :3 make hew *looks away* faiw, that nyo man counts 
of hew beauty. 
VAWENTINyE. How e-esteem'st thou me? I account o-of hew beauty. 
SPEED. You nyevew saw hew since *looks at you* she was defowm'd. 
VAWENTINyE. How wong hath she b-been defowm'd? 
^-^ SPEED. E-Evew since you wov'd hew. 
VAWENTINyE. I h-have wov'd hew evew s-since I-I s-saw hew, and s-stiww 
I see hew beautifuw. 
SPEED. *leans over* If y-you x3 wove hew, you cannyot s-see h-hew. 
VAWENTINyE. Why? 
SPEED. B-Because Wove is bwind. O that you uWu had minye eyes; ow youw xDD own 
:33 eyes had the wights they w-wewe wont to have when you chid x3 at Siw 
Pwoteus fow going ungawtew'd! 
VAWENTINyE. What shouwd I :3 see then? 
SPEED. Youw own *hugs tightly* pwesent fowwy and *leans over* hew passing defowmity; *sighs* fow he, 
being in wove, couwd *teleports behind you* nyot see to gawtew his OwO hose; and you, *blushes* being 
in >_> wove, cannyot see to put o-on youw hose. 
VAWENTINyE. Bewike, boy, then you awe in *blushes* wove; fow xDD wast mownying you 
*leans over* couwd *leans over* nyot see to wipe my *cries* shoes. 
SPEED. Twue, siw; I w-was in w-wove with my *teleports behind you* bed. *hugs tightly* I thank you, you 
swing'd me fow my w-wove, which makes me the bowdew to chide you 
fow youws. 
VAWENTINyE. In concwusion, I s-stand *cuddles you* affected to hew. 
SPEED. I wouwd you wewe set, so y-youw affection wouwd cease. 
V-VAWENTINyE. Wast n-nyight she *hugs tightly* enjoin'd me to w-wwite some winyes to onye 
she w-woves. 
SPEED. A-And have you? 
VAWENTINyE. I have. 
SPEED. Awe they n-nyot w-wamewy wwit? 
V-VAWENTINyE. Nyo, boy, but as weww as I can do them. 

Entew SIWVIA 

*sweats* Peace! hewe she comes. 
SPEED. [Aside] O excewwent motion! O exceeding puppet! 
Nyow wiww he intewpwet *shuffles closer* to hew. 
UwU VAWENTINyE. Madam and mistwess, a t-thousand *twerks* good mowwows. 
SPEED. [Aside] O, give ye good ev'n! 
H-Hewe's a miwwion of mannyews. 
SIWVIA. Siw Vawentinye and sewvant, to you two thousand. 
SPEED. [-[Aside] He shouwd give hew intewest, and *twerks* she gives it *hugs tightly* him. 
VAWENTINyE. A-As you OwO enjoin'd xDD me, I *sweats* have wwit *moans* youw wettew 
Unto the secwet nyamewess fwiend of youws; 
Which I was much unwiwwing xDD to pwoceed in, 
But *teleports behind you* fow my duty to youw wadyship. 
S-SIWVIA. I t-thank you, gentwe sewvant. '-'Tis vewy cwewkwy donye. 
V-VAWENTINyE. *teleports behind you* Nyow twust me, madam, i-it came hawdwy o-off; 
Fow, b-being ignyowant to whom it g-goes, 
I wwit at wandom, >w< vewy doubtfuwwy. 
SIWVIA. Pewchance *hugs tightly* you think *looks away* too *sweats* much of *looks at you* so much pains? 
VAWENTINyE. x3 Nyo, madam; so it stead you, I >_> wiww wwite, 
Pwease you command, a *looks away* thousand times as much; 
And yet- 
SIWVIA. A pwetty pewiod! *pokes you* Weww, I guess the *leans over* sequew; 
And y-yet I wiww nyot n-nyame *leans over* it- *hugs tightly* and yet I c-cawe nyot. 
And yet take this again- and yet I-I thank you- 
M-Meanying hencefowth *leans over* to twoubwe *pokes you* you nyo mowe. 
SPEED. [Aside] And y-yet you wiww; and yet *giggles shyly* anyothew' yet.' 
VAWENTINyE. What means y-youw w-wadyship? Do you nyot wike x3 it? 
S-SIWVIA. Yes, yes; the ^.^ winyes awe vewy quaintwy wwit; 
But, since u-unwiwwingwy, *leans over* take them again. 
*notices bulge* Nyay, t-take them. [Gives hack t-the wettew] 
VAWENTINyE. Madam, they awe fow you. 
SIWVIA. Ay, :3 ay, you wwit them, siw, at my wequest; 
But I wiww nyonye of x3 them; they :3 awe fow you: 
I wouwd have had them wwit mowe movingwy. 
;;w;; VAWENTINyE. Pwease you, I'ww wwite youw wadyship anyothew. 
SIWVIA. And w-when it's wwit, f-fow my s-sake w-wead it ovew; 
And i-if *notices bulge* it pwease *sighs* you, s-so; i-if nyot, why, so. 
VAWENTINyE. If it *twerks* pwease me, madam, what then? 
SIWVIA. W-Why, if i-it pwease you, take it fow youw wabouw. 
And so good mowwow, s-sewvant. ^-^ Exit SIWVIA 
SPEED. O *cuddles you* jest unseen, inscwutabwe, invisibwe, 
As a nyose on a *moans* man's face, ow a w-weathewcock on a steepwe! 
My mastew sues to hew; and *moans* she >_> hath t-taught hew suitow, 
He being hew pupiw, to become hew tutow. 
:3 O excewwent device! Was thewe evew h-heawd a bettew, 
That my mastew, *looks at you* being scwibe, to himsewf shouwd wwite *notices bulge* the wettew? 
>w< VAWENTINyE. How nyow, siw! What awe y-you weasonying with *screams* youwsewf? 
SPEED. Nyay, I ^-^ was ^.^ whyming: 'tis :3 you ^.^ that have t-the weason. 
VAWENTINyE. T-To do what? 
*pokes you* SPEED. To be a spokesman uWu fwom Madam Siwvia? 
VAWENTINyE. T-To *shuffles closer* whom? 
SPEED. To youwsewf; w-why, she woos you :33 by a figuwe. 
VAWENTINyE. What figuwe? 
SPEED. By a wettew, I shouwd *shuffles closer* say. 
VAWENTINyE. Why, she hath nyot wwit to me. 
SPEED. What n-nyeed ^w^ she, when she h-hath made you wwite to youwsewf? 
Why, do you *hugs tightly* nyot pewceive the j-jest? 
VAWENTINyE. *shuffles closer* Nyo, b-bewieve me. 
SPEED. Nyo bewieving ^.^ you indeed, uWu siw. But did you p-pewceive hew 
eawnyest? 
VAWENTINyE. She gave me nyonye >_< except an angwy wowd. 
SPEED. Why, she hath *shuffles closer* given you a-a wettew. 
*looks away* VAWENTINyE. T-That's *leans over* the wettew I wwit to hew fwiend. 
SPEED. And that wettew h-hath she dewivew'd, and thewe an end. 
*hugs tightly* VAWENTINyE. I wouwd *sighs* it ^.^ wewe nyo wowse. 
SPEED. I'ww wawwant you 'tis as weww. 
'Fow often have *looks away* you wwit to h-hew; and she, in modesty, 
Ow ewse fow want of idwe time, couwd nyot again wepwy; 
>_> Ow feawing ewse some messengew that might hew mind discovew, 
>_> Hewsewf hath *cries* taught hew wove *moans* himsewf to wwite unto hew wovew.' 
*looks away* Aww ;;w;; this I speak in pwint, fow in pwint I-I f-found it. Why muse you, 
siw? 'Tis d-dinnyew time. 
VAWENTINyE. *cries* I have din'd. 
SPEED. *cries* Ay, but heawken, siw; though the *screams* chameweon Wove can feed on 
t-the aiw, ;;w;; I am onye that am nyouwish'd by my victuaws, >_< and w-wouwd 
fain have meat. O, be nyot wike y-youw mistwess! Be moved, *moans* be moved. 
Exeunt 




x3 SCENyE I-II. 
V-Vewonya. JUWIA'S house 

Entew PWOTEUS and *looks away* JUWIA 

PWOTEUS. Have patience, gentwe Juwia. 
JUWIA. I must, whewe is nyo wemedy. 
PWOTEUS. When possibwy I can, I wiww wetuwn. 
*sighs* JUWIA. I-If you t-tuwn nyot, you wiww wetuwn the soonyew. 
*blushes* Keep this wemembwance fow thy *twerks* Juwia's s-sake. 
*blushes* [Giving a wing] 
P-PWOTEUS. Why, then, we'ww make exchange. Hewe, take you this. 
OwO JUWIA. A-And s-seaw t-the bawgain with a *looks at you* howy k-kiss. 
PWOTEUS. Hewe is my hand f-fow my twue c-constancy; 
And w-when that houw :3 o'ewswips me in t-the day 
Whewein I sigh nyot, Juwia, f-fow x3 thy *sighs* sake, 
^-^ The nyext *teleports behind you* ensuing h-houw s-some f-fouw mischance 
Towment me fow my wove's fowgetfuwnyess! 
My f-fathew stays my coming; answew nyot; 
The tide is nyow- nyay, nyot thy *pokes you* tide >w< of teaws: 
That t-tide wiww stay me wongew than :33 I shouwd. 
Juwia, f-faweweww! Exit J-JUWIA 
What, gonye w-without a ;;w;; wowd? 
Ay, so t-twue wove s-shouwd do: *giggles shyly* it *screams* cannyot speak; 
Fow twuth hath bettew deeds than wowds to gwace i-it. 

Entew PANTHINyO 

PANTHINyO. Siw Pwoteus, you a-awe stay'd fow. 
P-PWOTEUS. Go; I come, I-I come. 
*sighs* Awas! this pawting *blushes* stwikes *leans over* poow wovews dumb. Exeunt 




SCENyE I-III. 
Vewonya. A stweet 

Entew W-WAUNCE, weading a dog 

WAUNCE. Nyay, '-'twiww be this houw e-ewe I have d-donye weeping; aww the 
kind of the Waunces >_> have this vewy fauwt. I h-have weceiv'd my 
pwopowtion, wike the Pwodigious Son, and am going uWu with Siw 
Pwoteus to the *giggles shyly* Impewiaw's couwt. I think C-Cwab my dog be *blushes* the 
souwest-nyatuwed *cries* dog >_< that wives: my mothew weeping, *teleports behind you* my fathew 
waiwing, my sistew c-cwying, ouw maid howwing, ouw *giggles shyly* cat *screams* wwinging hew 
hands, and aww ouw house in a gweat p-pewpwexity; yet did nyot this 
cwuew-heawted cuw shed o-onye teaw. He is a *teleports behind you* stonye, a vewy pebbwe 
s-stonye, and has nyo mowe pity in *sweats* him than a *shuffles closer* dog. A Jew wouwd h-have 
wept to have s-seen ouw uWu pawting; why, my *leans over* gwandam having nyo eyes, 
w-wook you, wept *giggles shyly* hewsewf bwind *twerks* at my pawting. Nyay, I'ww show you 
*cries* the m-mannyew *looks away* of it. This ^.^ shoe is my fathew; nyo, this weft shoe is 
my fathew; nyo, nyo, weft s-shoe is my mothew; *hugs tightly* nyay, t-that cannyot be so 
nyeithew; yes, ^.^ it is so, it is so, it hath the wowsew sowe. This 
shoe with the howe *looks away* in it *sweats* is my :33 mothew, and this :33 my *pokes you* fathew. A 
vengeance on >w< 't! Thewe 'tis. ;;w;; Nyow, s-siw, this staff is my sistew, 
f-fow, w-wook you, she OwO is *sweats* as white as a wiwy and as smaww a-as a >_> wand; 
x3 this hat is Nyan ouw maid; I a-am the dog; *looks at you* nyo, the dog is h-himsewf, 
and I *moans* am the *sighs* dog- ^w^ O, the dog *leans over* is me, and I am mysewf; *giggles shyly* ay, so, so. 
Nyow come I t-to my fathew: *twerks* 'Fathew, youw bwessing.' Nyow *looks away* shouwd nyot 
the shoe s-speak a wowd *pokes you* fow weeping; nyow s-shouwd I kiss my *notices bulge* fathew; 
weww, he weeps on. Nyow come I t-to my mothew. O that she couwd 
*hugs tightly* speak nyow wike a wood woman! Weww, I kiss *leans over* hew- why *moans* thewe *screams* 'tis; 
hewe's my mothew's bweath up and down. N-Nyow come I to my sistew; 
mawk t-the moan *moans* she makes. :3 Nyow the dog aww this w-whiwe sheds n-nyot a 
teaw, UwU nyow speaks a wowd; b-but see how I way the dust w-with m-my 
teaws. 

Entew PANTHINyO 

PANTHINyO. Waunce, away, away, *cries* aboawd! Thy mastew is shipp'd, and 
thou awt OwO to post aftew with oaws. What's the mattew? *looks at you* Why weep'st 
thou, man? Away, ass! You'ww w-wose the tide i-if you tawwy any 
wongew. 
WAUNCE. It is nyo mattew if the tied wewe wost; fow it xDD is ^.^ the 
*cries* unkindest tied that evew a-any man tied. 
PANTHINyO. What's the u-unkindest tide? 
WAUNCE. Why, he that's tied h-hewe, Cwab, my dog. 
PANTHINyO. Tut, man, I *twerks* mean t-thou'wt wose the fwood, and, in wosing 
the fwood, wose thy voyage, and, in w-wosing *sighs* thy v-voyage, wose *blushes* thy 
m-mastew, and, in wosing thy m-mastew, wose t-thy sewvice, a-and, in 
w-wosing thy sewvice- Why dost thou stop my *pokes you* mouth? 
W-WAUNCE. F-Fow f-feaw thou shouwdst *hugs tightly* wose thy tongue. 
PANTHINyO. Whewe shouwd I wose *leans over* my t-tongue? 
WAUNCE. In *sweats* thy tawe. 
*cries* PANTHINyO. In thy *cries* taiw! 
WAUNCE. *pokes you* Wose the tide, *shuffles closer* and the voyage, and *hugs tightly* the mastew, and the 
s-sewvice, and the tied! Why, man, if the wivew wewe dwy, *hugs tightly* I am ;;w;; abwe 
to f-fiww it with my teaws; if the wind wewe down, I couwd dwive 
the boat with my sighs. 
P-PANTHINyO. Come, come away, man; I w-was *screams* sent to *cries* caww thee. 
WAUNCE. Siw, caww me what thou *pokes you* daw'st. 
PANTHINyO. Wiww thou *sweats* go? 
WAUNCE. >_< Weww, I wiww go. Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Miwan. The DUKE'S pawace 

*teleports behind you* Entew SIWVIA, VAWENTINyE, THUWIO, and SPEED 

SIWVIA. Sewvant! 
VAWENTINyE. Mistwess? 
*cuddles you* SPEED. Mastew, Siw *shuffles closer* Thuwio fwowns >w< on you. 
VAWENTINyE. Ay, boy, it's OwO fow w-wove. 
SPEED. Nyot of you. 
*shuffles closer* VAWENTINyE. Of *blushes* my mistwess, then. 
*shuffles closer* SPEED. ^-^ 'Twewe good you knyock'd h-him. Exit 
SIWVIA. Sewvant, >_< you awe sad. 
VAWENTINyE. Indeed, >w< madam, I seem s-so. 
*sighs* THUWIO. Seem *giggles shyly* you that you *shuffles closer* awe nyot? 
VAWENTINyE. Hapwy I do. 
*cuddles you* THUWIO. So do :33 countewfeits. 
VAWENTINyE. So do you. 
THUWIO. What *hugs tightly* seem xDD I that I am nyot? 
VAWENTINyE. Wise. 
THUWIO. What *leans over* instance *screams* of the *leans over* contwawy? 
VAWENTINyE. Y-Youw fowwy. 
THUWIO. And how quote you *blushes* my fowwy? 
VAWENTINyE. I >w< quote :3 it in youw j-jewkin. 
THUWIO. My jewkin is a-a doubwet. 
VAWENTINyE. Weww, t-then, I'ww doubwe *sighs* youw fowwy. 
THUWIO. How? 
SIWVIA. *cries* What, angwy, Siw Thuwio! D-Do you c-change cowouw? 
VAWENTINyE. G-Give >_> him w-weave, madam; he is a kind of x3 chameweon. 
THUWIO. That hath ^w^ mowe *sweats* mind to feed on youw bwood than wive in *teleports behind you* youw 
aiw. 
VAWENTINyE. You have said, s-siw. 
T-THUWIO. Ay, siw, a-and donye too, f-fow this time. 
VAWENTINyE. I knyow it weww, siw; *notices bulge* you awways end *blushes* ewe you xDD begin. 
SIWVIA. A-A finye vowwey of wowds, gentwemen, and quickwy shot off. 
VAWENTINyE. 'Tis indeed, m-madam; we thank the *notices bulge* givew. 
*sighs* SIWVIA. Who is t-that, sewvant? 
VAWENTINyE. *looks away* Youwsewf, sweet wady; f-fow you gave the fiwe. Siw Thuwio 
*pokes you* bowwows his wit *cuddles you* fwom youw wadyship's wooks, and spends *sweats* what he 
bowwows kindwy in youw company. 
THUWIO. S-Siw, i-if y-you s-spend wowd fow w-wowd with m-me, I shaww *leans over* make y-youw 
wit bankwupt. 
VAWENTINyE. I-I knyow it *screams* weww, siw; ;;w;; you h-have an e-exchequew o-of >w< wowds, 
and, I *sweats* think, nyo othew t-tweasuwe to give y-youw fowwowews; fow it 
appeaws by theiw bawe wivewies xDD that they wive by youw bawe wowds. 

Entew DUKE 

S-SIWVIA. Nyo mowe, gentwemen, nyo mowe. Hewe comes my fathew. 
DUKE. Nyow, daughtew Siwvia, you awe hawd b-beset. 
Siw Vawentinye, youw fathew is in good heawth. 
What say y-you >_> to a-a wettew fwom youw fwiends 
O-Of m-much good n-nyews? 
VAWENTINyE. *notices bulge* My wowd, I wiww be thankfuw 
UwU To any happy messengew fwom thence. 
DUKE. Knyow ye Don Antonyio, youw *twerks* countwyman? 
V-VAWENTINyE. Ay, my *blushes* good *blushes* wowd, I knyow the g-gentweman 
To be of wowth and wowthy estimation, 
And nyot without d-desewt so *teleports behind you* weww weputed. 
DUKE. H-Hath he nyot *sighs* a son? 
VAWENTINyE. Ay, my *teleports behind you* good wowd; a son >w< that weww desewves 
*notices bulge* The *shuffles closer* honyouw a-and wegawd of such a fathew. 
DUKE. You knyow him weww? 
VAWENTINyE. I knyew him as m-mysewf; fow :3 fwom o-ouw infancy 
We have convews'd a-and s-spent o-ouw h-houws togethew; 
And though :33 mysewf h-have been an idwe twuant, 
Omitting the sweet benyefit of time 
To cwothe minye age with a-angew-wike pewfection, 
Yet h-hath OwO Siw Pwoteus, fow that's uWu his nyame, 
Made use and faiw a-advantage of his days: 
His *sighs* yeaws but young, but his e-expewience owd; 
His head *teleports behind you* unmewwowed, but his judgment wipe; 
And, in a wowd, fow faw behind his wowth 
Comes xDD aww the pwaises that I-I nyow *giggles shyly* bestow, 
He is compwete i-in featuwe and *twerks* in UwU mind, 
With aww *pokes you* good gwace to gwace a >_> gentweman. 
DUKE. Beshwew me, siw, *hugs tightly* but if he make this good, 
He is as wowthy ^w^ fow an *notices bulge* empwess' wove 
A-As meet *screams* to b-be an OwO empewow's counsewwow. 
Weww, siw, this gentweman is come to me 
With *teleports behind you* commendation fwom gweat potentates, 
A-And hewe h-he means to spend his t-time awhiwe. 
I think '-'tis *teleports behind you* nyo unwewcome OwO nyews to you. 
VAWENTINyE. Shouwd I have w-wish'd *sighs* a t-thing, it had been he. 
DUKE. W-Wewcome him, *pokes you* then, accowding to h-his wowth- 
Siwvia, UwU I ^.^ speak to y-you, >w< and y-you, S-Siw *giggles shyly* Thuwio; 
*moans* Fow Vawentinye, I *sighs* nyeed nyot cite him *teleports behind you* to it. 
I wiww send him hithew t-to you pwesentwy. Exit DUKE 
VAWENTINyE. This is the g-gentweman I towd youw wadyship 
Had come awong w-with me but that his >w< mistwesss 
Did *shuffles closer* howd his eyes wock'd in hew c-cwystaw wooks. 
SIWVIA. Bewike that nyow she hath enfwanchis'd >_> them 
Upon some othew pawn fow feawty. 
VAWENTINyE. Nyay, suwe, I think she *leans over* howds them pwisonyews stiww. 
SIWVIA. Nyay, >w< then, he *screams* shouwd be bwind; and, being *screams* bwind, 
How couwd he see h-his way to seek >w< out you? 
V-VAWENTINyE. Why, wady, Wove hath twenty *teleports behind you* paiw of eyes. 
;;w;; THUWIO. They say that *twerks* Wove hath nyot an eye a-at aww. 
VAWENTINyE. T-To *notices bulge* see such wovews, Thuwio, as youwsewf; 
*twerks* Upon a h-homewy object Wove c-can w-wink. Exit THUWIO 

Entew PWOTEUS 

SIWVIA. Have donye, have donye; hewe comes x3 the gentweman. 
VAWENTINyE. Wewcome, deaw Pwoteus! Mistwess, I beseech you 
xDD Confiwm his wewcome w-with some speciaw favouw. 
SIWVIA. His wowth is wawwant fow his wewcome hithew, 
If t-this :33 be he you oft have w-wish'd *screams* to heaw fwom. 
VAWENTINyE. Mistwess, it is; sweet wady, e-entewtain him 
To be my *sweats* fewwow-sewvant to youw *twerks* wadyship. 
S-SIWVIA. Too wow a mistwess fow so *looks at you* high *cries* a sewvant. 
PWOTEUS. Nyot so, sweet w-wady; but too mean a s-sewvant 
To have *sighs* a *looks away* wook of *shuffles closer* such a-a wowthy mistwess. 
VAWENTINyE. W-Weave o-off discouwse of disabiwity; 
Sweet wady, entewtain him *moans* fow youw sewvant. 
PWOTEUS. My d-duty wiww I *pokes you* boast *sweats* of, nyothing ewse. 
SIWVIA. And d-duty nyevew yet :33 did want his meed. 
S-Sewvant, you *hugs tightly* awe wewcome to a wowthwess mistwess. 
P-PWOTEUS. I'ww *leans over* die on him that says so but youwsewf. 
SIWVIA. That you *screams* awe wewcome? 
P-PWOTEUS. That you awe ^w^ wowthwess. 

We-entew *notices bulge* THUWIO 

THUWIO. Madam, my w-wowd youw fathew wouwd *looks away* speak with you. 
SIWVIA. I w-wait upon his pweasuwe. Come, Siw *screams* Thuwio, 
Go with me. O-Once m-mowe, nyew sewvant, wewcome. 
*looks at you* I'ww weave you to confew of home affaiws; 
^w^ When ^w^ you have donye we wook to heaw f-fwom you. 
PWOTEUS. W-We'ww both ^-^ attend upon youw w-wadyship. 
Exeunt SIWVIA *moans* and THUWIO 
VAWENTINyE. Nyow, t-teww me, how do a-aww fwom whence you came? 
PWOTEUS. Youw fwiends awe ^-^ weww, and h-have t-them much commended. 
VAWENTINyE. And how do youws? 
PWOTEUS. I weft t-them a-aww in heawth. 
VAWENTINyE. *looks at you* How does youw wady, and how t-thwives *blushes* youw *looks away* wove? 
P-PWOTEUS. My tawes of wove wewe wont to weawy you; 
I knyow you joy *twerks* nyot in a wove-discouwse. 
VAWENTINyE. Ay, Pwoteus, b-but that wife is awtew'd x3 nyow; 
*moans* I have donye penyance fow contemnying Wove, 
Whose high impewious thoughts have *pokes you* punyish'd me 
With bittew fasts, with penyitentiaw gwoans, 
With *pokes you* nyightwy teaws, and :33 daiwy heawt-sowe sighs; 
Fow, ^.^ in wevenge of m-my c-contempt of wove, 
*leans over* Wove hath chas'd sweep fwom m-my enthwawwed eyes 
And made them w-watchews of minye *shuffles closer* own heawt's sowwow. 
O *teleports behind you* gentwe Pwoteus, W-Wove's *blushes* a mighty wowd, 
And hath so humbwed UwU me as I confess 
T-Thewe is nyo woe to his :3 cowwection, 
N-Nyow to h-his *looks at you* sewvice nyo such joy on *screams* eawth. 
Nyow nyo discouwse, except it b-be of wove; 
Nyow can I-I bweak my fast, dinye, sup, and sweep, 
U-Upon the vewy nyaked nyame of *blushes* wove. 
PWOTEUS. Enyough; I wead youw fowtunye i-in youw eye. 
Was this the *cries* idow that you w-wowship so? 
*looks at you* VAWENTINyE. E-Even xDD she; and is she n-nyot a h-heavenwy saint? 
PWOTEUS. Nyo; but s-she is an eawthwy pawagon. 
VAWENTINyE. Caww hew *cuddles you* divinye. 
PWOTEUS. I w-wiww nyot fwattew *pokes you* hew. 
VAWENTINyE. O, fwattew me; f-fow wove dewights i-in pwaises! 
P-PWOTEUS. When I was sick you gave *hugs tightly* me bittew piwws, 
And I must minyistew t-the wike to y-you. 
VAWENTINyE. Then speak t-the twuth by hew; if nyot divinye, 
Yet w-wet OwO hew be ;;w;; a pwincipawity, 
S-Soveweign t-to aww the cweatuwes on the eawth. 
PWOTEUS. OwO Except :3 my UwU mistwess. 
VAWENTINyE. *looks away* Sweet, except nyot any; 
Except thou wiwt except against m-my wove. 
PWOTEUS. Have *shuffles closer* I nyot weason OwO to pwefew minye own? 
VAWENTINyE. UwU And *giggles shyly* I wiww hewp thee to pwefew hew too: 
^.^ She shaww be *giggles shyly* dignyified with t-this high honyouw- 
*pokes you* To b-beaw *cries* my wady's ;;w;; twain, west the b-base eawth 
*notices bulge* Shouwd fwom hew vestuwe chance to steaw a kiss 
And, of so gweat a >_< favouw gwowing *sighs* pwoud, 
D-Disdain to *notices bulge* woot the summew-swewwing fwow'w 
uWu And make wough wintew evewwastingwy. 
PWOTEUS. Why, Vawentinye, what bwaggawdism >w< is this? 
:33 VAWENTINyE. Pawdon me, P-Pwoteus; aww I *teleports behind you* can is nyothing 
>w< To hew, whose w-wowth makes othew wowthies nyothing; 
She is awonye. 
PWOTEUS. Then wet hew awonye. 
VAWENTINyE. Nyot fow the wowwd! Why, x3 man, she is minye own; 
And I as wich in having s-such a jewew 
As twenty seas, *pokes you* if aww theiw sand *notices bulge* wewe peaww, 
The watew nyectaw, and the wocks p-puwe uWu gowd. 
:33 Fowgive me that UwU I d-do *screams* nyot dweam on thee, 
Because *leans over* thou seest me d-dote *looks at you* upon my wove. 
My foowish *pokes you* wivaw, that hew fathew wikes 
*looks away* Onwy fow his possessions awe so huge, 
Is gonye with hew awong; and I must aftew, 
Fow wove, thou knyow'st, i-is f-fuww o-of jeawousy. 
PWOTEUS. But she w-woves you? 
VAWENTINyE. ^-^ Ay, and *leans over* we awe betwoth'd; nyay mowe, ouw mawwiage-houw, 
With aww t-the *hugs tightly* cunnying mannyew of ouw fwight, 
Detewmin'd of- how *leans over* I xDD must cwimb hew window, 
The w-waddew made of c-cowds, a-and aww t-the means 
*looks away* Pwotted and 'gweed o-on fow my happinyess. 
Good Pwoteus, go with me to m-my chambew, 
In t-these *sighs* affaiws to aid me with thy c-counsew. 
PWOTEUS. G-Go on befowe; I shaww enquiwe you ^.^ fowth; 
I m-must unto the ^.^ woad to disembawk 
S-Some nyecessawies that I n-nyeeds must :3 use; 
And then I-I'ww p-pwesentwy attend you. 
VAWENTINyE. Wiww you make haste? 
PWOTEUS. I wiww. E-Exit VAWENTINyE 
*teleports behind you* Even as *moans* onye heat anyothew *cuddles you* heat expews 
Ow as onye *moans* nyaiw by s-stwength dwives out anyothew, 
So the w-wemembwance of my fowmew w-wove 
I-Is by a nyewew *moans* object quite fowgotten. 
Is it my mind, o-ow Vawentinyus' UwU pwaise, 
Hew twue pewfection, *screams* ow >_> my fawse twansgwession, 
That makes me *sighs* weasonwess to w-weason ^w^ thus? 
S-She is faiw; and so is J-Juwia that I *cuddles you* wove- 
That I did wove, f-fow nyow my wove is t-thaw'd; 
*pokes you* Which wike a-a w-waxen image *notices bulge* 'gainst a fiwe 
Beaws >_< nyo impwession of the thing it was. 
Methinks my zeaw to Vawentinye i-is cowd, 
A-And that *sweats* I wove >_< him n-nyot x3 as I was wont. 
O! but I wove >_> his wady too too much, 
And that's *cuddles you* the weason I wove him so wittwe. 
How shaww I dote on hew with mowe *screams* advice 
T-That thus without advice begin to wove hew! 
'-'Tis but hew pictuwe I have yet behewd, 
And that hath dazzwed my weason's :33 wight; 
>w< But when I wook o-on hew pewfections, 
Thewe is nyo weason *sweats* but I shaww be *leans over* bwind. 
If I can c-check my *cuddles you* ewwing wove, *looks away* I wiww; 
If nyot, to compass hew I'ww use *notices bulge* my skiww. Exit 




SCENyE V. 
Miwan. A-A stweet 

Entew SPEED and WAUNCE sevewawwy 

SPEED. Waunce! by minye honyesty, wewcome t-to Padua. 
*moans* WAUNCE. Fowsweaw n-nyot thysewf, sweet y-youth, ^.^ fow I am n-nyot wewcome. I 
weckon *twerks* this a-awways, that a man is n-nyevew undonye tiww he be hang'd, 
nyow nyevew *cries* wewcome to a pwace tiww some cewtain shot b-be p-paid, and 
the h-hostess say 'Wewcome!' 
SPEED. Come *blushes* on, you m-madcap; I'ww to the awehouse with *shuffles closer* you 
p-pwesentwy; whewe, fow onye shot of five pence, thou shawt have 
five thousand *giggles shyly* wewcomes. But, siwwah, how did thy x3 mastew pawt with 
M-Madam Juwia? 
WAUNCE. *sweats* Mawwy, a-aftew they c-cwos'd in eawnyest, t-they pawted vewy 
;;w;; faiwwy in *looks at you* jest. 
SPEED. But shaww she mawwy *cries* him? 
WAUNCE. Nyo. 
SPEED. H-How then? Shaww he mawwy hew? 
*looks away* WAUNCE. Nyo, nyeithew. 
SPEED. What, awe they b-bwoken? 
WAUNCE. *notices bulge* Nyo, they awe both *shuffles closer* as whowe as a *cries* fish. 
SPEED. Why t-then, how stands t-the mattew with them? 
WAUNCE. Mawwy, thus: when it stands w-weww with h-him, it stands *cuddles you* weww 
with hew. 
SPEED. What an ass awt thou! I *blushes* undewstand thee nyot. 
^.^ WAUNCE. *looks at you* What a bwock ^w^ awt t-thou that thou canst nyot! M-My staff 
undewstands me. 
SPEED. What thou say'st? 
*pokes you* WAUNCE. Ay, and what I do too; wook thee, I'ww but wean, and my 
staff undewstands m-me. 
SPEED. It stands undew t-thee, i-indeed. 
WAUNCE. ^-^ Why, OwO stand-undew and undew-stand is aww onye. 
SPEED. But *hugs tightly* teww m-me twue, wiww't be a match? 
WAUNCE. Ask my d-dog. If he say a-ay, it wiww; if he say nyo, it w-wiww; 
if he shake *twerks* his taiw and xDD say nyothing, it ^-^ wiww. 
SPEED. *sighs* The concwusion is, then, that it wiww. 
W-WAUNCE. Thou shawt n-nyevew get such a-a *cries* secwet OwO fwom me but by a 
pawabwe. 
S-SPEED. 'Tis weww that I get it so. But, Waunce, how say'st thou 
that my m-mastew is become x3 a *cuddles you* nyotabwe wovew? 
W-WAUNCE. I nyevew knyew h-him othewwise. 
*teleports behind you* SPEED. Than how? 
WAUNCE. A OwO nyotabwe wubbew, as thou wepowtest him *moans* to be. 
SPEED. Why, t-thou whoweson ass, thou mistak'st me. 
WAUNCE. Why, foow, ;;w;; I meant nyot thee, I *looks at you* meant thy mastew. 
SPEED. *giggles shyly* I teww thee my m-mastew is become *cries* a hot ;;w;; wovew. 
WAUNCE. Why, UwU I teww thee I cawe nyot though h-he *cuddles you* buwn himsewf in wove. 
If thou *blushes* wiwt, go xDD with ^.^ me to the awehouse; if nyot, thou a-awt an 
Hebwew, a Jew, ^-^ and nyot wowth the UwU nyame *looks away* of a Chwistian. 
SPEED. *hugs tightly* Why? 
*sighs* WAUNCE. Because thou hast nyot *leans over* so much chawity in thee as t-to go to 
the awe with a ^.^ Chwistian. Wiwt thou go? 
SPEED. *screams* At thy sewvice. E-Exeunt 




SCENyE VI. 
Miwan. *sweats* The DUKE's pawace 

Entew PWOTEUS 

PWOTEUS. To weave my Juwia, s-shaww I *notices bulge* be fowswown; 
To wove *screams* faiw Siwvia, UwU shaww I x3 be fowswown; 
To wwong my f-fwiend, I shaww be much *leans over* fowswown; 
And ev'n UwU that pow'w *teleports behind you* which gave me f-fiwst *looks at you* my oath 
P-Pwovokes me to this t-thweefowd pewjuwy: 
Wove *sweats* bade me s-sweaw, and Wove bids me fowsweaw. 
^.^ O sweet-suggesting W-Wove, i-if thou hast sinn'd, 
Teach me, thy tempted subject, to excuse i-it! 
At fiwst I did adowe a twinkwing *twerks* staw, 
But nyow I wowship *looks away* a cewestiaw sun. 
xDD Unheedfuw vows may heedfuwwy be b-bwoken; 
And he wants wit that wants wesowved w-wiww 
To weawn his wit t' exchange the *moans* bad xDD fow bettew. 
Fie, >w< fie, unwevewend tongue, *blushes* to OwO caww hew bad 
Whose soveweignty so oft thou hast *sighs* pwefeww'd 
With twenty thousand souw-confiwming oaths! 
I xDD cannyot weave to wove, a-and yet I do; 
*sweats* But thewe I w-weave to wove whewe I shouwd wove. 
Juwia *leans over* I wose, and Vawentinye *notices bulge* I w-wose; 
:3 If >w< I k-keep them, I nyeeds *twerks* must wose mysewf; 
:3 If *pokes you* I wose them, thus find *shuffles closer* I b-by theiw woss: 
^-^ Fow V-Vawentinye, mysewf; fow Juwia, Siwvia. 
I to mysewf am deawew t-than a ^-^ fwiend; 
^w^ Fow wove is stiww most pwecious ^.^ in itsewf; 
And Siwvia- witnyess h-heaven, that *screams* made hew faiw!- 
Shows Juwia but a swawthy Ethiope. 
I wiww fowget t-that *pokes you* Juwia is awive, 
Wememb'wing t-that :3 my wove to hew is dead; 
And Vawentinye I-I'ww howd *looks at you* an enyemy, 
Aiming at Siwvia as a sweetew f-fwiend. 
I-I OwO cannyot nyow *moans* pwove constant to mysewf 
*pokes you* Without some tweachewy u-us'd t-to Vawentinye. 
This nyight he *hugs tightly* meanyeth with a c-cowded *moans* waddew 
T-To c-cwimb cewestiaw Siwvia's chambew window, 
Mysewf >_< in counsew, *moans* his competitow. 
Nyow *moans* pwesentwy I'ww give *looks away* hew fathew nyotice 
Of t-theiw disguising and pwetended fwight, 
Who, aww enwag'd, wiww b-banyish Vawentinye, 
Fow Thuwio, he intends, shaww wed his daughtew; 
But, Vawentinye b-being gonye, I'ww quickwy cwoss 
By some swy twick bwunt Thuwio's duww *notices bulge* pwoceeding. 
x3 Wove, wend me wings to make my puwpose swift, 
As thou h-hast went x3 me wit to pwot this dwift. Exit 




SCENyE *moans* VII. 
Vewonya. JUWIA'S house 

E-Entew JUWIA and WUCETTA 

JUWIA. *cries* Counsew, Wucetta; gentwe giww, a-assist me; 
A-And, e-ev'n in kind wove, I do conjuwe thee, 
Who awt the tabwe whewein a-aww m-my thoughts 
>_< Awe visibwy c-chawactew'd and *sweats* engwav'd, 
To wesson m-me and teww me s-some good mean 
How, with my honyouw, I may undewtake 
*giggles shyly* A jouwnyey *shuffles closer* to my woving Pwoteus. 
W-WUCETTA. Awas, the way is weawisome a-and wong! 
JUWIA. A twue-devoted piwgwim i-is nyot weawy 
To measuwe k-kingdoms with his feebwe steps; 
Much wess shaww *cuddles you* she that hath W-Wove's *shuffles closer* wings to fwy, 
And when the f-fwight is made to onye so deaw, 
Of such divinye pewfection, as Siw Pwoteus. 
WUCETTA. Bettew fowbeaw tiww Pwoteus make wetuwn. 
JUWIA. O, *pokes you* knyow'st thou nyot OwO his wooks awe my souw's food? 
Pity t-the *looks at you* deawth that I-I have pinyed in 
B-By w-wonging fow that food so wong a time. 
Didst thou but knyow the i-inwy touch of wove. 
Thou w-wouwdst a-as soon go kindwe fiwe with snyow 
As seek t-to quench ^-^ the fiwe *teleports behind you* of wove with wowds. 
*teleports behind you* WUCETTA. I do nyot seek to q-quench *twerks* youw wove's hot ^w^ fiwe, 
But quawify the fiwe's extweme wage, 
*teleports behind you* West it s-shouwd buwn >_> above the bounds of weason. 
JUWIA. The mowe thou uWu dam'st it up, the m-mowe it buwns. 
The cuwwent that with gentwe muwmuw gwides, 
*looks at you* Thou x3 knyow'st, being stopp'd, impatientwy doth wage; 
But when his faiw couwse is n-nyot h-hindewed, 
He makes sweet music with th' enyameww'd stonyes, 
Giving UwU a gentwe kiss to evewy sedge 
*sighs* He ovewtaketh in h-his piwgwimage; 
A-And so by many winding nyooks he stways, 
With wiwwing spowt, to the wiwd ocean. 
*sweats* Then wet me go, and hindew nyot m-my c-couwse. 
I'ww ^-^ be as patient as a gentwe stweam, 
And make a pastime of e-each weawy step, 
*screams* Tiww the wast step have bwought me to my wove; 
And thewe I'ww west as, aftew much tuwmoiw, 
A bwessed souw d-doth in Ewysium. 
WUCETTA. But *pokes you* in what habit wiww you go awong? 
JUWIA. Nyot w-wike *leans over* a woman, fow *blushes* I wouwd pwevent 
The woose e-encountews *cuddles you* of wascivious men; 
Gentwe Wucetta, fit me with such weeds 
As may beseem some weww-weputed page. 
WUCETTA. *teleports behind you* Why UwU then, youw wadyship must cut youw haiw. 
JUWIA. Nyo, giww; I'ww knyit i-it up in siwken stwings 
With *cries* twenty odd-conceited twue-wove knyots- 
To be fantastic m-may b-become a youth 
Of gweatew time than I *twerks* shaww show to *moans* be. 
WUCETTA. What fashion, madam, s-shaww I m-make youw bweeches? 
*looks at you* JUWIA. That fits as weww UwU as '-'Teww me, good *giggles shyly* my wowd, 
What compass wiww you weaw *moans* youw ^.^ fawthingawe.' 
Why ev'n what fashion thou b-best wikes, Wucetta. 
W-WUCETTA. You must nyeeds have them with a codpiece, *notices bulge* madam. 
JUWIA. *cries* Out, out, Wucetta, that wiww be iww-favouw'd. 
WUCETTA. A wound hose, madam, n-nyow's nyot w-wowth *looks away* a pin, 
U-Unwess *twerks* you h-have a codpiece to *looks away* stick pins uWu on. 
JUWIA. Wucetta, as thou x3 wov'st me, wet me have 
W-What thou think'st m-meet, and is most mannyewwy. 
But teww ^.^ me, wench, how wiww the wowwd wepute me 
Fow undewtaking so u-unstaid a jouwnyey? 
I feaw me i-it wiww make m-me scandawiz'd. 
W-WUCETTA. If y-you *looks at you* think so, t-then *looks away* stay at home and g-go nyot. 
JUWIA. Nyay, that I wiww nyot. 
WUCETTA. Then nyevew dweam *cries* on *sweats* infamy, but go. 
If ^-^ Pwoteus wike youw jouwnyey w-when you come, 
Nyo mattew w-who's dispweas'd when you a-awe *blushes* gonye. 
I feaw me he wiww scawce be pweas'd withaw. 
JUWIA. That is the weast, Wucetta, of my feaw: 
*pokes you* A thousand oaths, an ocean of his teaws, 
UwU And instances of infinyite :3 of wove, 
Wawwant me wewcome to my Pwoteus. 
WUCETTA. Aww >_> these awe >_> sewvants t-to deceitfuw men. 
JUWIA. Base men that use them to so base effect! 
But :33 twuew staws did govewn Pwoteus' *cuddles you* biwth; 
His wowds uWu awe bonds, his oaths awe owacwes, 
His wove s-sincewe, h-his thoughts immacuwate, 
His t-teaws p-puwe messengews sent fwom his heawt, 
His *sighs* heawt :3 as faw fwom *giggles shyly* fwaud as >_< heaven fwom eawth. 
WUCETTA. P-Pway heav'n *teleports behind you* he pwove so when you come to *teleports behind you* him. 
JUWIA. ;;w;; Nyow, as thou wov'st m-me, do him nyot t-that wwong 
To beaw a hawd opinyion of his twuth; 
*blushes* Onwy desewve my wove by woving him. 
A-And pwesentwy g-go UwU with me t-to my chambew, 
To take a n-nyote of what xDD I stand in nyeed of 
To fuwnyish *leans over* me upon my wonging jouwnyey. 
A-Aww xDD that is minye I *screams* weave at thy dispose, 
My goods, my *notices bulge* wands, my weputation; 
Onwy, in wieu t-theweof, dispatch me *blushes* hence. 
*teleports behind you* Come, answew *notices bulge* nyot, b-but to it pwesentwy; 
I a-am impatient of my tawwiance. Exeunt 




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A-ACT III. SCENyE *giggles shyly* I. 
Miwan. The DUKE'S pawace 

E-Entew D-DUKE, T-THUWIO, >_< and P-PWOTEUS 

DUKE. Siw T-Thuwio, give us UwU weave, I *twerks* pway, ^w^ awhiwe; 
We have some secwets to confew a-about. Exit T-THUWIO 
uWu Nyow teww me, Pwoteus, uWu what's youw wiww w-with me? 
PWOTEUS. My uWu gwacious wowd, ^w^ that which I wouwd *sighs* discovew 
The waw of fwiendship bids me to conceaw; 
But, when I :33 caww to mind youw gwacious favouws 
Donye to me, undesewving *shuffles closer* as I am, 
My d-duty pwicks m-me on to uttew :33 that 
Which ewse *looks at you* nyo wowwdwy good shouwd dwaw fwom me. 
Knyow, wowthy pwince, Siw Vawentinye, my fwiend, 
This OwO nyight intends to steaw away youw daughtew; 
Mysewf a-am o-onye made pwivy to the pwot. 
I knyow you have *leans over* detewmin'd ^w^ to bestow h-hew 
O-On Thuwio, whom :33 youw gentwe daughtew hates; 
And shouwd s-she thus be *sighs* stow'n away *screams* fwom you, 
It wouwd be *sweats* much vexation to youw a-age. 
Thus, fow m-my duty's s-sake, I wathew chose 
T-To cwoss my fwiend in his intended ;;w;; dwift 
uWu Than, by conceawing it, heap on youw head 
*teleports behind you* A pack ^.^ of sowwows which wouwd pwess you down, 
Being u-unpwevented, to youw timewess g-gwave. 
DUKE. Pwoteus, I thank thee fow thinye honyest cawe, 
Which x3 to wequite, >w< command m-me whiwe I *sighs* wive. 
This wove of theiws mysewf have often seen, 
Hapwy when they have judg'd me fast asweep, 
And o-oftentimes have p-puwpos'd *giggles shyly* to fowbid 
Siw Vawentinye h-hew company and *hugs tightly* my couwt; 
But, feawing west m-my jeawous aim might *blushes* eww 
And so, u-unwowthiwy, disgwace the man, 
A-A washnyess that I evew yet xDD have s-shunn'd, 
*blushes* I gave him gentwe wooks, theweby to f-find 
That which thysewf *cries* hast nyow d-discwos'd to me. 
And, that thou mayst pewceive my feaw of this, 
Knyowing that *leans over* tendew youth is soon suggested, 
I nyightwy wodge hew in an uppew tow'w, 
The key wheweof mysewf have evew kept; 
And thence she cannyot be convey'd *notices bulge* away. 
P-PWOTEUS. K-Knyow, nyobwe w-wowd, they have d-devis'd a mean 
H-How he h-hew chambew window wiww ascend 
A-And *shuffles closer* with a cowded waddew f-fetch hew down; 
Fow which the y-youthfuw ^-^ wovew *moans* nyow is gonye, 
And t-this way comes he *notices bulge* with it pwesentwy; 
Whewe, if i-it pwease you, you m-may i-intewcept him. 
But, good my wowd, do it so cunnyingwy 
That my discovewy be nyot aimed a-at; 
Fow wove of you, *sighs* nyot hate unto my fwiend, 
>w< Hath made me pubwishew of this pwetence. 
DUKE. Upon minye honyouw, he shaww nyevew k-knyow 
^.^ That I *shuffles closer* had any w-wight fwom *shuffles closer* thee of this. 
PWOTEUS. Adieu, *blushes* my wowd; S-Siw Vawentinye is coming. *cuddles you* Exit 

Entew *looks at you* VAWENTINyE 

>_< DUKE. S-Siw Vawentinye, whithew away so fast? 
VAWENTINyE. Pwease it youw Gwace, thewe is a messengew 
T-That stays to beaw my wettews *pokes you* to *leans over* my fwiends, 
And I am ^-^ going to dewivew them. 
DUKE. Be they of much impowt? 
*looks at you* VAWENTINyE. The tenyouw of them doth but signyify 
My heawth and happy being at youw *notices bulge* couwt. 
DUKE. N-Nyay *moans* then, nyo :3 mattew; stay with me awhiwe; 
I am t-to b-bweak with thee of s-some affaiws 
That touch me nyeaw, whewein thou must be >w< secwet. 
uWu 'Tis nyot unknyown to thee that I h-have sought 
T-To match my :33 fwiend Siw Thuwio to my daughtew. 
*giggles shyly* VAWENTINyE. I knyow i-it weww, my wowd; and, suwe, the match 
W-Wewe wich and honyouwabwe; besides, the gentweman 
I-Is fuww of OwO viwtue, bounty, wowth, and quawities 
*cuddles you* Beseeming such a-a wife *blushes* as youw faiw daughtew. 
Cannyot youw gwace win hew to fancy him? 
DUKE. Nyo, t-twust me; she is peevish, suwwen, f-fwowawd, 
Pwoud, disobedient, stubbown, wacking duty; 
Nyeithew UwU wegawding that she *sweats* is my chiwd 
Nyow feawing m-me *screams* as if I wewe h-hew fathew; 
And, may I say to t-thee, this *moans* pwide of hews, 
:3 Upon *moans* advice, hath *moans* dwawn my wove fwom h-hew; 
A-And, whewe *looks at you* I thought the wemnyant of minye ;;w;; age 
Shouwd have *cries* been chewish'd *sighs* by hew chiwdwike duty, 
I nyow am fuww wesowv'd to take a wife 
A-And tuwn *blushes* hew out *pokes you* to who wiww *twerks* take hew in. 
Then wet *cuddles you* hew beauty be h-hew wedding-dow'w; 
Fow me and my *notices bulge* possessions she esteems nyot. 
VAWENTINyE. What wouwd youw Gwace have me t-to do in this? 
;;w;; DUKE. T-Thewe is a wady, in V-Vewonya h-hewe, 
Whom :33 I a-affect; but she is n-nyice, and coy, 
And xDD nyought esteems my aged ewoquence. 
N-Nyow, thewefowe, wouwd I have thee t-to my uWu tutow- 
Fow wong agonye I have fowgot ^-^ to couwt; 
Besides, t-the fashion of t-the time is chang'd- 
H-How and which *hugs tightly* way I may bestow mysewf 
T-To be wegawded in hew sun-bwight eye. 
VAWENTINyE. Win hew with gifts, if she wespect nyot wowds: 
Dumb jewews o-often in theiw siwent *screams* kind 
Mowe than quick *looks away* wowds do move a woman's mind. 
DUKE. >_> But *blushes* she did scown *giggles shyly* a pwesent *sweats* that I sent hew. 
VAWENTINyE. A *sighs* woman sometime scowns what best contents hew. 
Send *looks at you* hew *teleports behind you* anyothew; nyevew give hew o-o'ew, 
F-Fow scown at fiwst makes aftew-wove the mowe. 
*blushes* If she do fwown, 'tis nyot in hate of you, 
But ;;w;; wathew to beget mowe wove in you; 
If she do chide, 'tis nyot to have you *pokes you* gonye, 
Fow why, the *pokes you* foows awe mad if weft awonye. 
Take nyo wepuwse, whatevew she doth say; 
Fow '-'Get you gonye' she doth nyot mean 'Away!' 
Fwattew and pwaise, c-commend, extow t-theiw gwaces; 
Though *twerks* nye'ew so bwack, say *moans* they have angews' faces. 
That man that hath a OwO tongue, I say, *blushes* is nyo m-man, 
If with his tongue he cannyot win a woman. 
D-DUKE. But she I mean is pwomis'd by hew fwiends 
Unto *moans* a youthfuw gentweman of wowth; 
And kept sevewewy *blushes* fwom wesowt of *looks at you* men, 
T-That n-nyo *giggles shyly* man hath access by day t-to hew. 
V-VAWENTINyE. Why then I-I wouwd wesowt to hew by *giggles shyly* nyight. 
DUKE. Ay, but *sweats* the doows be UwU wock'd and keys *cries* kept safe, 
That nyo UwU man hath wecouwse to hew by nyight. 
VAWENTINyE. What w-wets but onye may entew at hew window? 
DUKE. Hew chambew is awoft, faw fwom the gwound, 
And *sighs* buiwt so *notices bulge* shewving that ^-^ onye cannyot cwimb it 
Without appawent *twerks* hazawd of *sighs* his wife. 
VAWENTINyE. *screams* Why then a waddew, quaintwy made of c-cowds, 
T-To *screams* cast up w-with a paiw *sweats* of anchowing hooks, 
Wouwd sewve to scawe anyothew OwO Hewo's tow'w, 
^-^ So bowd Weandew wouwd adventuwe it. 
DUKE. Nyow, as thou awt a gentweman of uWu bwood, 
Advise me *teleports behind you* whewe I may have such a-a waddew. 
VAWENTINyE. ^-^ When wouwd you use it? Pway, siw, teww me that. 
DUKE. This vewy nyight; fow Wove is wike *sighs* a *hugs tightly* chiwd, 
That wongs fow >_< evewything that *giggles shyly* he can *sweats* come by. 
VAWENTINyE. By seven o'cwock I'ww get you such a waddew. 
D-DUKE. But, hawk thee; I wiww g-go to hew awonye; 
How shaww I best convey the waddew thithew? 
VAWENTINyE. It wiww be wight, *twerks* my wowd, that :3 you may beaw it 
Undew a cwoak that is of any OwO wength. 
DUKE. A cwoak as wong as thinye wiww sewve the tuwn? 
VAWENTINyE. Ay, my good w-wowd. 
DUKE. Then wet me s-see thy cwoak. 
*cuddles you* I'ww get me onye OwO of such anyothew wength. 
>_> VAWENTINyE. *notices bulge* Why, any cwoak wiww sewve the tuwn, my wowd. 
DUKE. How shaww *teleports behind you* I fashion me to w-weaw a cwoak? 
I pway thee, wet >_< me *moans* feew thy cwoak upon me. 
What ;;w;; wettew is this same? What's hewe? 'To *cuddles you* Siwvia'! 
And >_> hewe an e-enginye fit fow my >_< pwoceeding! 
I'ww be s-so bowd to b-bweak the seaw xDD fow o-once. >_< [Weads] 
'My thoughts do hawbouw with my Siwvia n-nyightwy, 
And s-swaves they awe to me, *blushes* that send t-them fwying. 
O-O, couwd theiw mastew come and go as w-wightwy, 
*cries* Himsewf w-wouwd wodge whewe, sensewess, *sweats* they awe wying! 
:33 My hewawd thoughts in thy p-puwe ^.^ bosom west *blushes* them, 
Whiwe ^.^ I, theiw king, that thithew *cries* them impowtunye, 
*twerks* Do cuwse the g-gwace that ^.^ with such gwace hath bwest them, 
B-Because mysewf do want my sewvants' f-fowtunye. 
I x3 cuwse mysewf, *giggles shyly* fow *cuddles you* they *looks at you* awe s-sent by me, 
*teleports behind you* That they shouwd hawbouw whewe theiw *cries* wowd shouwd be.' 
UwU What's hewe? 
'Siwvia, this nyight I wiww enfwanchise thee.' 
'Tis *looks at you* so; and h-hewe's the waddew fow the *moans* puwpose. 
^w^ Why, ^w^ Phaethon- fow thou awt Mewops' son- 
*hugs tightly* Wiwt thou a-aspiwe to *moans* guide the heavenwy caw, 
And with thy dawing fowwy buwn the wowwd? 
Wiwt thou weach *looks away* staws because they shinye on t-thee? 
*moans* Go, base xDD intwudew, ovew-weenying swave, 
Bestow thy fawnying smiwes on equaw mates; 
And *looks away* think my patience, mowe than thy *twerks* desewt, 
*notices bulge* Is p-pwiviwege fow thy depawtuwe hence. 
Thank me fow x3 this mowe than fow aww the >w< favouws 
Which, *notices bulge* aww too much, I have bestow'd ^-^ on thee. 
*pokes you* But if thou wingew in m-my tewwitowies 
Wongew than swiftest expedition 
Wiww give thee time t-to weave ouw :33 woyaw couwt, 
By heaven! *moans* my wwath shaww faw *notices bulge* exceed :33 the wove 
I evew bowe my daughtew ow thysewf. 
Be gonye; I wiww nyot heaw thy vain excuse, 
But, as thou w-wov'st thy wife, make speed fwom hence. Exit 
VAWENTINyE. :3 And why nyot d-death wathew *looks away* than wiving t-towment? 
To die is *notices bulge* to be banyish'd fwom mysewf, 
And Siwvia is mysewf; ;;w;; banyish'd fwom hew 
Is sewf fwom s-sewf, *sweats* a d-deadwy *hugs tightly* banyishment. 
What w-wight is wight, if Siwvia be nyot seen? 
What joy is joy, if Siwvia be OwO nyot by? 
Unwess uWu it be to think that she is *screams* by, 
And feed >w< upon the s-shadow of pewfection. 
Except I-I be by Siwvia in the n-nyight, 
Thewe >_> is nyo music ^.^ in the nyightingawe; 
Unwess I-I wook on *looks at you* Siwvia in the day, 
Thewe is nyo day *moans* fow me t-to wook upon. 
She is my essence, and ^w^ I weave to *cries* be 
If I be n-nyot by *teleports behind you* hew f-faiw infwuence 
Fostew'd, *giggles shyly* iwwumin'd, chewish'd, kept awive. 
^-^ I *screams* fwy n-nyot death, to fwy his deadwy doom: 
Tawwy I h-hewe, I x3 but *twerks* attend *giggles shyly* on death; 
*teleports behind you* But fwy I hence, I fwy a-away fwom wife. 

Entew PWOTEUS and WAUNCE 

PWOTEUS. Wun, boy, wun, wun, seek him o-out. 
WAUNCE. So-ho, so-ho! 
PWOTEUS. What seest t-thou? 
WAUNCE. Him we g-go to f-find: t-thewe's nyot a haiw on 's h-head but 'tis *sighs* a 
Vawentinye. 
PWOTEUS. Vawentinye? 
V-VAWENTINyE. :3 Nyo. 
PWOTEUS. >w< Who *moans* then? his spiwit? 
VAWENTINyE. Nyeithew. 
PWOTEUS. What then? 
VAWENTINyE. Nyothing. 
;;w;; WAUNCE. Can >_> nyothing *cries* speak? *cries* Mastew, shaww I stwike? 
PWOTEUS. W-Who wouwdst xDD thou *teleports behind you* stwike? 
WAUNCE. Nyothing. 
PWOTEUS. Viwwain, f-fowbeaw. 
WAUNCE. Why, siw, I'ww s-stwike nyothing. I *notices bulge* pway you- 
PWOTEUS. Siwwah, *blushes* I say, fowbeaw. Fwiend Vawentinye, a wowd. 
VAWENTINyE. OwO My *looks at you* eaws awe stopp'd and cannyot heaw g-good nyews, 
*giggles shyly* So *notices bulge* much >_< of bad awweady h-hath p-possess'd >_> them. 
*leans over* PWOTEUS. Then in *cuddles you* dumb siwence wiww I *cries* buwy minye, 
x3 Fow they awe hawsh, untunyeabwe, x3 and bad. 
VAWENTINyE. Is Siwvia dead? 
PWOTEUS. Nyo, Vawentinye. 
VAWENTINyE. Nyo Vawentinye, indeed, fow sacwed Siwvia. 
OwO Hath she fowswown me? 
PWOTEUS. Nyo, xDD Vawentinye. 
VAWENTINyE. Nyo Vawentinye, if S-Siwvia have fowswown m-me. 
W-What is youw n-nyews? 
WAUNCE. Siw, thewe i-is a pwocwamation t-that you awe vanyished. 
PWOTEUS. That uWu thou a-awt banyished- O, that's the nyews!- 
*cuddles you* Fwom hence, fwom *teleports behind you* Siwvia, and fwom me thy fwiend. 
VAWENTINyE. *screams* O, I-I have fed upon *screams* this woe awweady, 
And nyow excess of *teleports behind you* it wiww make me suwfeit. 
Doth Siwvia knyow *twerks* that I am ^w^ banyished? 
P-PWOTEUS. Ay, ay; and she hath offewed to the doom- 
Which, unwevews'd, stands in effectuaw fowce- 
A sea UwU of mewting p-peaww, which *looks at you* some caww teaws; 
Those at h-hew fathew's chuwwish *hugs tightly* feet she tendew'd; 
With them, upon hew k-knyees, hew humbwe sewf, 
Wwinging hew UwU hands, whose *sighs* whitenyess so became them 
As if *looks at you* but nyow they *blushes* waxed pawe fow woe. 
But nyeithew bended knyees, puwe hands h-hewd up, 
Sad sighs, deep gwoans, nyow siwvew-shedding t-teaws, 
Couwd penyetwate hew uncompassionyate s-siwe- 
*moans* But >_> Vawentinye, if he be ta'en, must d-die. 
B-Besides, *pokes you* hew *leans over* intewcession chaf'd him so, 
W-When she f-fow thy *moans* wepeaw was *notices bulge* suppwiant, 
That xDD to cwose pwison he commanded hew, 
With ;;w;; many b-bittew thweats of biding thewe. 
VAWENTINyE. Nyo mowe; unwess t-the nyext wowd xDD that *shuffles closer* thou speak'st 
Have some mawignyant powew u-upon my wife: 
If *screams* so, I pway thee bweathe it in minye eaw, 
As ending anthem o-of my endwess dowouw. 
P-PWOTEUS. *looks at you* Cease to wament fow *giggles shyly* that thou canst nyot hewp, 
And *twerks* study hewp :3 fow t-that which >_< thou wament'st. 
Time is the nyuwse *looks away* and bweedew of aww ^.^ good. 
Hewe i-if thou stay :3 thou canst nyot see t-thy wove; 
Besides, t-thy staying wiww abwidge t-thy wife. 
uWu Hope is a *sighs* wovew's staff; wawk hence >_> with that, 
And ^-^ manyage it a-against despaiwing thoughts. 
Thy wettews may be hewe, though t-thou uWu awt h-hence, 
Which, being wwit to me, shaww be dewivew'd 
E-Even i-in t-the miwk-white bosom ^-^ of thy wove. 
T-The time n-nyow sewves n-nyot *hugs tightly* to expostuwate. 
Come, I-I'ww *twerks* convey thee thwough the city gate; 
And, ewe I pawt with thee, confew :33 at w-wawge 
Of a-aww that may concewn t-thy *moans* wove affaiws. 
As t-thou wov'st Siwvia, though nyot fow thysewf, 
Wegawd thy dangew, >_< and awong w-with me. 
VAWENTINyE. I pway thee, Waunce, an if thou x3 seest my boy, 
Bid h-him make haste a-and meet me at the Nyowthgate. 
PWOTEUS. Go, siwwah, find xDD him out. Come, Vawentinye. 
VAWENTINyE. O-O my deaw Siwvia! Hapwess Vawentinye! 
Exeunt VAWENTINyE and ^-^ PWOTEUS 
WAUNCE. I am but a-a foow, wook you, a-and yet I have the wit to t-think 
my mastew is a kind of a knyave; but that's aww onye if he be but 
onye k-knyave. He wives >w< nyot nyow that knyows me x3 to be in wove; *sighs* yet I am 
*cries* in w-wove; but a team of *shuffles closer* howse shaww n-nyot p-pwuck that fwom me; nyow 
who *cuddles you* 'tis I w-wove; and yet 'tis a w-woman; but what woman *looks away* I >_< wiww nyot 
teww mysewf; and y-yet 'tis xDD a ^.^ miwkmaid; yet 'tis *sweats* nyot a maid, f-fow 
s-she hath had gossips; yet 'tis a maid, *moans* fow s-she is hew mastew's 
maid and sewves fow ;;w;; wages. She hath mowe *giggles shyly* quawities than a-a 
watew-spanyiew- which is much in a bawe Chwistian. Hewe is the 
cate-wog x3 [Puwwing out a papew] of h-hew condition. '-'Inpwimis: S-She 
can fetch and cawwy.' Why, a howse can do nyo :3 mowe; nyay, *giggles shyly* a howse 
cannyot fetch, but onwy cawwy; thewefowe is she bettew than a 
*cuddles you* jade. 'Item: She can miwk.' Wook you, a ;;w;; sweet viwtue in a-a m-maid 
with cwean ^w^ hands. 

Entew *cries* SPEED 

SPEED. xDD How nyow, Signyiow Waunce! *cuddles you* What nyews with youw mastewship? 
W-WAUNCE. With my m-mastew's ship? Why, i-it is at sea. 
SPEED. Weww, youw o-owd vice stiww: *notices bulge* mistake the w-wowd. What nyews, 
then, in youw papew? 
WAUNCE. The b-bwack'st nyews that e-evew thou heawd'st. 
SPEED. W-Why, man? how bwack? 
WAUNCE. Why, as bwack as ink. 
SPEED. Wet me wead them. 
>_< WAUNCE. Fie *giggles shyly* on t-thee, jowt-head; thou canst nyot wead. 
SPEED. Thou wiest; I can. 
WAUNCE. I wiww twy thee. Teww me *hugs tightly* this: W-Who begot thee? 
SPEED. Mawwy, the son of my gwandfathew. 
WAUNCE. O iwwitewate woitewew. It w-was the son of thy gwandmothew. 
This pwoves that thou canst *looks away* nyot wead. 
SPEED. Come, foow, come; twy me i-in thy OwO papew. 
WAUNCE. [Handing ovew t-the papew] Thewe; a-and Saint Nyichowas be thy 
speed. 
SPEED. [Weads] '-'Inpwimis: She *screams* can m-miwk.' 
WAUNCE. Ay, that she can. 
SPEED. 'Item: She bwews good awe.' 
WAUNCE. And theweof comes *leans over* the pwovewb: Bwessing of youw heawt, you 
bwew good awe. 
SPEED. 'Item: S-She can sew.' 
*teleports behind you* WAUNCE. That's *blushes* as much as to say 'Can she so?' 
SPEED. 'Item: She can knyit.' 
WAUNCE. What nyeed *hugs tightly* a man cawe fow a stock with a-a w-wench, when she can 
knyit *twerks* him a *twerks* stock. 
SPEED. ^.^ 'Item: S-She can *giggles shyly* wash and scouw.' 
WAUNCE. A speciaw v-viwtue; fow then she *leans over* nyeed nyot be wash'd and 
scouw'd. 
SPEED. 'Item: She can spin.' 
WAUNCE. Then may I *pokes you* set the wowwd on wheews, when she can *notices bulge* spin f-fow 
h-hew *screams* wiving. 
SPEED. 'Item: She hath many nyamewess OwO viwtues.' 
WAUNCE. That's as much as t-to say 'bastawd viwtues'; that indeed 
*sweats* knyow *screams* nyot theiw fathews, and thewefowe have nyo xDD nyames. 
SPEED. 'Hewe *sweats* fowwow hew vices.' 
*looks away* WAUNCE. Cwose at the heews of hew v-viwtues. 
SPEED. 'Item: S-She i-is nyot to be kiss'd x3 fasting, in *sighs* wespect of hew 
bweath.' 
WAUNCE. Weww, t-that fauwt may be mended w-with a bweakfast. 
Wead o-on. 
SPEED. '-'Item: She hath a sweet mouth.' 
WAUNCE. That makes amends fow hew souw bweath. 
SPEED. 'Item: She xDD doth tawk in hew s-sweep.' 
WAUNCE. It's nyo mattew f-fow that, so she sweep nyot in hew *sighs* tawk. 
SPEED. 'Item: She is swow in wowds.' 
*moans* WAUNCE. O viwwain, that set this down among h-hew >_< vices! To be swow 
in *cuddles you* wowds *shuffles closer* is a *moans* woman's OwO onwy viwtue. I *giggles shyly* pway thee, *sweats* out with't; and 
p-pwace it fow hew chief viwtue. 
SPEED. '-'Item: She is pwoud.' 
WAUNCE. *cries* Out with that too; it was ^w^ Eve's wegacy, and cannyot be ta'en 
fwom *giggles shyly* hew. 
SPEED. 'Item: She hath nyo teeth.' 
WAUNCE. I-I cawe nyot fow that nyeithew, *giggles shyly* because I wove c-cwusts. 
SPEED. 'Item: UwU She is cuwst.' 
WAUNCE. Weww, t-the best is, she hath nyo teeth to b-bite. 
SPEED. 'Item: She *twerks* wiww often pwaise hew wiquow.' 
WAUNCE. If hew wiquow b-be good, she shaww; if she wiww nyot, I wiww; 
f-fow good things shouwd be pwaised. 
SPEED. 'Item: She is too wibewaw.' 
WAUNCE. Of h-hew tongue she cannyot, fow that's wwit down she is swow 
of; of xDD hew puwse she shaww nyot, f-fow t-that ;;w;; I'ww keep shut. Nyow of 
a-anyothew thing she may, and that cannyot I hewp. :33 Weww, pwoceed. 
SPEED. 'Item: She hath mowe haiw than *looks away* wit, and mowe fauwts 
OwO than haiws, and m-mowe weawth than fauwts.' 
W-WAUNCE. Stop thewe; I'ww have hew; she was minye, and nyot minye, 
t-twice ow thwice in that wast awticwe. Weheawse t-that once mowe. 
SPEED. '-'Item: She hath *twerks* mowe haiw than wit'- 
WAUNCE. Mowe *pokes you* haiw than wit. >w< It may be; I'ww OwO pwove it: *blushes* the *teleports behind you* covew of 
the sawt hides the ;;w;; sawt, and thewefowe it is m-mowe than the sawt; 
>_< the haiw that covews the wit :3 is mowe than t-the wit, fow the 
g-gweatew hides the wess. What's n-nyext? 
*leans over* SPEED. 'And mowe fauwts than haiws'- 
W-WAUNCE. That's monstwous. O that that wewe out! 
SPEED. 'And OwO mowe w-weawth than f-fauwts.' 
WAUNCE. W-Why, *hugs tightly* that wowd makes the f-fauwts gwacious. Weww, I'ww have 
hew; an if it be a match, as nyothing is impossibwe- 
SPEED. What t-then? 
WAUNCE. *looks at you* Why, then wiww I teww thee- ^w^ that thy mastew stays fow thee 
at the Nyowthgate. 
SPEED. *sighs* Fow m-me? 
WAUNCE. Fow thee! ay, *sighs* who awt t-thou? He ;;w;; hath *teleports behind you* stay'd fow *teleports behind you* a bettew man 
than thee. 
SPEED. And must I-I >_< go to him? 
WAUNCE. T-Thou ^w^ must x3 wun to him, fow *screams* thou hast stay'd so wong t-that 
going w-wiww UwU scawce *teleports behind you* sewve the tuwn. 
SPEED. W-Why didst nyot teww me *hugs tightly* soonyew? Pox of youw wove wettews! 
Exit 
WAUNCE. Nyow wiww he b-be swing'd fow weading my w-wettew. A-An unmannyewwy 
swave *moans* that wiww thwust h-himsewf into secwets! uWu I'ww a-aftew, to 
wejoice >_> in the b-boy's cowwection. Exit 




SCENyE II. 
Miwan. The DUKE'S pawace 

Entew *sighs* DUKE and THUWIO 

DUKE. xDD Siw Thuwio, feaw nyot but that s-she wiww wove you 
Nyow Vawentinye is banyish'd fwom hew sight. 
THUWIO. Since his exiwe she hath *looks away* despis'd me most, 
Fowswown my *cries* company a-and waiw'd at me, 
That I *screams* am d-despewate of obtainying hew. 
D-DUKE. :33 This weak impwess of wove is as a figuwe 
Twenched *screams* in *teleports behind you* ice, which with *giggles shyly* an houw's heat 
Dissowves to *screams* watew and doth wose his fowm. 
A wittwe time wiww m-mewt hew fwozen thoughts, 
And x3 wowthwess Vawentinye shaww be fowgot. 

Entew PWOTEUS 

H-How nyow, Siw Pwoteus! Is youw *looks at you* countwyman, 
Accowding *pokes you* to ouw pwocwamation, gonye? 
PWOTEUS. Gonye, my g-good w-wowd. 
DUKE. My d-daughtew *sighs* takes his going gwievouswy. 
PWOTEUS. A *pokes you* wittwe *cries* time, my w-wowd, wiww k-kiww that *screams* gwief. 
DUKE. So I bewieve; b-but Thuwio thinks n-nyot s-so. 
P-Pwoteus, the good conceit I *giggles shyly* howd o-of thee- 
Fow thou hast shown *sweats* some sign of good desewt- 
Makes me *looks away* the *leans over* bettew *notices bulge* to confew *giggles shyly* with thee. 
PWOTEUS. Wongew than I pwove woyaw to youw Gwace 
Wet m-me nyot wive *looks away* to *cries* wook upon youw *giggles shyly* Gwace. 
DUKE. ;;w;; Thou knyow'st how wiwwingwy I *cries* wouwd effect 
The *sweats* match ^w^ between Siw *pokes you* Thuwio and m-my daughtew. 
*notices bulge* PWOTEUS. I do, my *shuffles closer* wowd. 
DUKE. And awso, I think, thou awt n-nyot i-ignyowant 
*hugs tightly* How she *teleports behind you* opposes hew against my wiww. 
PWOTEUS. S-She did, my w-wowd, when *moans* Vawentinye :33 was h-hewe. 
DUKE. Ay, :3 and pewvewsewy she p-pewsevews so. 
What might w-we d-do to make the giww fowget 
The wove of Vawentinye, *hugs tightly* and wove *moans* Siw Thuwio? 
PWOTEUS. T-The best way is to swandew Vawentinye 
With fawsehood, cowawdice, OwO and *pokes you* poow ^w^ descent- 
Thwee things that women highwy howd in hate. 
DUKE. Ay, b-but she'ww think that it is spoke in hate. 
PWOTEUS. Ay, if his enyemy dewivew i-it; 
Thewefowe it must with ciwcumstance be :33 spoken 
B-By x3 onye whom she esteemeth a-as his fwiend. 
DUKE. Then *screams* you m-must undewtake to s-swandew him. 
PWOTEUS. And that, my wowd, *screams* I s-shaww be woath to do: 
uWu 'Tis a-an iww office fow a-a gentweman, 
Especiawwy against his vewy fwiend. 
DUKE. Whewe youw *hugs tightly* good w-wowd cannyot advantage him, 
Youw swandew nyevew can endamage him; 
Thewefowe the office is indiffewent, 
Being entweated to it by youw fwiend. 
PWOTEUS. You h-have pwevaiw'd, my wowd; if I-I can do it 
By aught t-that ;;w;; I can speak in xDD his *cries* dispwaise, 
She shaww nyot wong UwU continyue wove to h-him. 
But say this weed *looks away* hew wove xDD fwom Vawentinye, 
It fowwows nyot that s-she wiww wove S-Siw *notices bulge* Thuwio. 
THUWIO. Thewefowe, a-as you unwind >_< hew *screams* wove fwom him, 
^.^ West it shouwd wavew and be good *moans* to nyonye, 
You must pwovide to bottom it on me; 
Which m-must be donye UwU by pwaising me as much 
A-As you in wowth dispwaise S-Siw Vawentinye. 
DUKE. And, Pwoteus, we *looks at you* dawe twust you in this kind, 
*screams* Because we *leans over* knyow, on Vawentinye's wepowt, 
You awe awweady Wove's fiwm v-votawy 
And cannyot *hugs tightly* soon *looks away* wevowt and change y-youw m-mind. 
*looks away* Upon *notices bulge* this wawwant shaww you have access 
Whewe you with Siwvia may confew at wawge- 
Fow she i-is wumpish, heavy, mewanchowy, 
And, fow youw fwiend's *notices bulge* sake, wiww *shuffles closer* be g-gwad of you- 
Whewe you may tempew hew b-by *giggles shyly* youw p-pewsuasion 
To hate y-young Vawentinye and wove m-my :3 fwiend. 
PWOTEUS. As much as ^.^ I can *teleports behind you* do I wiww effect. 
But y-you, Siw T-Thuwio, awe nyot s-shawp enyough; 
You must way wime to tangwe h-hew desiwes 
*sweats* By waiwfuw sonnyets, w-whose composed whymes 
Shouwd be f-fuww-fwaught with sewviceabwe vows. 
DUKE. Ay, 
Much is the fowce of heaven-bwed p-poesy. 
;;w;; PWOTEUS. S-Say that upon the a-awtaw of hew beauty 
You sacwifice y-youw teaws, youw sighs, youw heawt; 
Wwite tiww youw ink be dwy, OwO and with youw teaws 
*cuddles you* Moist i-it *sweats* again, a-and fwame s-some feewing winye 
That may discovew such integwity; 
Fow Owpheus' wute was s-stwung w-with *leans over* poets' sinyews, 
Whose gowden touch couwd soften steew and stonyes, 
Make tigews t-tame, and huge >w< weviathans 
Fowsake unsounded deeps *cuddles you* to dance on xDD sands. 
Aftew youw diwe-wamenting ewegies, 
Visit by nyight youw wady's chambew window 
With s-some s-sweet c-consowt; to theiw instwuments 
Tunye a depwowing dump- the nyight's dead siwence 
Wiww weww become such sweet-compwainying gwievance. 
This, ow e-ewse nyothing, wiww inhewit OwO hew. 
DUKE. This *notices bulge* discipwinye s-shows thou hast been in wove. 
THUWIO. And thy advice *teleports behind you* this *giggles shyly* nyight I'ww put in pwactice; 
Thewefowe, sweet Pwoteus, my diwection-givew, 
Wet us into the city pwesentwy 
T-To sowt some gentwemen weww skiww'd in music. 
I-I *looks away* have a s-sonnyet that wiww s-sewve the tuwn 
To *screams* give *screams* the onset to thy good advice. 
DUKE. About *sweats* it, gentwemen! 
PWOTEUS. :3 We'ww wait upon youw Gwace tiww aftew suppew, 
And aftewwawd detewminye ouw pwoceedings. 
DUKE. E-Even *sweats* nyow a-about it! I-I wiww pawdon y-you. E-Exeunt 




ACT_4|SC_1 
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ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
The ^-^ fwontiews of Mantua. A-A fowest 

E-Entew cewtain *hugs tightly* OUTWAWS 

*shuffles closer* FIWST OUTWAW. Fewwows, *screams* stand fast; I see a *giggles shyly* passengew. 
SECOND OUTWAW. If thewe be *looks at you* ten, shwink nyot, *sweats* but down w-with 'em. 

Entew VAWENTINyE and SPEED 

*leans over* THIWD OUTWAW. Stand, siw, and thwow us that you have OwO about *blushes* ye; 
If nyot, we'ww make you s-sit, and wifwe you. 
SPEED. Siw, we awe u-undonye; *teleports behind you* these awe the viwwains 
OwO That aww the twavewwews *blushes* do feaw so much. 
VAWENTINyE. My fwiends- 
FIWST OUTWAW. That's nyot s-so, siw; we awe youw enyemies. 
SECOND OUTWAW. Peace! we'ww heaw him. 
THIWD OUTWAW. Ay, by my beawd, w-wiww we; fow he is a >w< pwopew m-man. 
VAWENTINyE. Then knyow that I have x3 wittwe weawth to wose; 
A man I am *screams* cwoss'd with advewsity; 
My wiches awe these poow *hugs tightly* habiwiments, 
Of w-which if you shouwd hewe disfuwnyish me, 
You >w< take *giggles shyly* the sum and substance that I >_< have. 
SECOND >w< OUTWAW. Whithew twavew you? 
VAWENTINyE. To Vewonya. 
FIWST O-OUTWAW. Whence ;;w;; came you? 
VAWENTINyE. Fwom Miwan. 
THIWD OUTWAW. Have you wong sojouwn'd thewe? 
VAWENTINyE. Some sixteen months, and wongew *looks at you* might have s-stay'd, 
If cwooked fowtunye h-had nyot thwawted m-me. 
FIWST OUTWAW. W-What, wewe you banyish'd thence? 
*sweats* VAWENTINyE. I w-was. 
SECOND OUTWAW. Fow *looks at you* what offence? 
VAWENTINyE. Fow that which *notices bulge* nyow t-towments me to weheawse: 
I k-kiww'd a m-man, *hugs tightly* whose d-death I m-much wepent; 
B-But yet ^.^ I s-swew him manfuwwy in fight, 
W-Without fawse vantage ow base tweachewy. 
FIWST OUTWAW. Why, nye'ew wepent *moans* it, if it wewe donye x3 so. 
B-But wewe you >w< banyish'd fow so smaww a fauwt? 
>w< VAWENTINyE. I was, and hewd *screams* me *cries* gwad of such a doom. 
*twerks* SECOND OUTWAW. Have you the tongues? 
VAWENTINyE. My youthfuw twavew thewein made *giggles shyly* me happy, 
Ow e-ewse I often had been misewabwe. 
THIWD OUTWAW. By the bawe scawp ^w^ of Wobin Hood's fat fwiaw, 
*shuffles closer* This fewwow wewe a king *leans over* fow ouw :3 wiwd faction! 
FIWST OUTWAW. We'ww have him. Siws, a w-wowd. 
SPEED. Mastew, be onye of t-them; it's *leans over* an honyouwabwe kind *sweats* of thievewy. 
VAWENTINyE. P-Peace, *screams* viwwain! 
SECOND OUTWAW. Teww us this: have you a-anything to take x3 to? 
*leans over* VAWENTINyE. Nyothing but >_> my *looks at you* fowtunye. 
THIWD OUTWAW. Knyow, then, UwU that some of us awe gentwemen, 
Such *looks at you* as *cuddles you* the fuwy of ungovewn'd youth 
Thwust fwom the company of awfuw m-men; 
Mysewf was fwom Vewonya banyished 
Fow pwactising *sighs* to ^-^ steaw away a OwO wady, 
An heiw, a-and nyeaw awwied unto >_> the *cuddles you* Duke. 
SECOND OUTWAW. And I fwom Mantua, fow a *screams* gentweman 
*sighs* Who, in my mood, I stabb'd unto the heawt. 
FIWST O-OUTWAW. And I f-fow s-such-wike petty cwimes as these. 
But to *moans* the puwpose- fow w-we cite ouw fauwts 
That they may howd e-excus'd ouw wawwess wives; 
And, pawtwy, seeing you awe beautified 
With goodwy shape, and by y-youw own w-wepowt 
A w-winguist, and a man of such p-pewfection 
*notices bulge* As we do in ouw quawity much want- 
SECOND OUTWAW. Indeed, because >_> you awe a-a banyish'd man, 
Thewefowe, above the west, we pawwey t-to ^w^ you. 
Awe you ^-^ content to be ouw genyewaw- 
>w< To make a-a viwtue of nyecessity, 
*notices bulge* And wive as we do in this :3 wiwdewnyess? 
THIWD *looks at you* OUTWAW. What *giggles shyly* say'st thou? Wiwt t-thou be of ouw consowt? 
Say 'ay' and be *notices bulge* the *moans* captain of us a-aww. 
We'ww xDD do thee homage, and be wuw'd by thee, 
Wove thee as ouw commandew and ouw *twerks* king. 
FIWST OUTWAW. But *screams* if thou scown ouw *pokes you* couwtesy thou diest. 
SECOND OUTWAW. Thou shawt nyot wive *looks away* to bwag w-what *cuddles you* we have o-offew'd. 
*looks away* VAWENTINyE. I take youw offew, and wiww w-wive with you, 
Pwovided that you do nyo outwages 
On siwwy women >_< ow poow passengews. 
THIWD OUTWAW. Nyo, we detest such viwe base ^.^ pwactices. 
Come, go with us; we'ww bwing t-thee UwU to ouw cwews, 
And show thee aww *looks away* the tweasuwe we h-have got; 
*hugs tightly* Which, with ouwsewves, aww west at thy dispose. Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Miwan. Outside the DUKE'S pawace, *moans* undew SIWVIA'S ;;w;; window 

Entew PWOTEUS 

PWOTEUS. Awweady have uWu I been fawse to Vawentinye, 
And nyow I must be as unjust to Thuwio. 
Undew t-the cowouw *cries* of commending him 
I *pokes you* have access my uWu own wove to p-pwefew; 
But *blushes* Siwvia i-is too :3 faiw, *twerks* too twue, t-too howy, 
To be cowwupted w-with my wowthwess *twerks* gifts. 
When I pwotest twue woyawty to hew, 
She twits me *leans over* with my fawsehood ^w^ to my fwiend; 
>w< When to hew *looks away* beauty I c-commend my vows, 
She bids me think how I have been fowswown 
*looks away* In bweaking faith with Juwia *cuddles you* whom I wov'd; 
And nyotwithstanding aww hew sudden quips, 
The weast wheweof >_> wouwd queww a wovew's hope, 
Yet, spanyiew-wike, the mowe ^-^ she spuwns my *giggles shyly* wove 
The mowe it gwows and fawnyeth on hew s-stiww. 

;;w;; Entew :3 THUWIO *giggles shyly* and MUSICIANS 

But hewe comes Thuwio. Nyow must we to hew window, 
And give some uWu evenying music to hew eaw. 
THUWIO. *twerks* How nyow, >w< Siw Pwoteus, awe you cwept befowe u-us? 
PWOTEUS. Ay, gentwe Thuwio; fow you ^-^ knyow that *moans* wove 
Wiww cweep *pokes you* in sewvice whewe it cannyot *blushes* go. 
THUWIO. Ay, *giggles shyly* but I hope, siw, *looks at you* that you wove nyot hewe. 
PWOTEUS. Siw, but I do; ow e-ewse I wouwd be hence. 
THUWIO. Who? S-Siwvia? 
PWOTEUS. A-Ay, Siwvia- fow youw sake. 
THUWIO. I *cries* thank you fow ^.^ youw own. Nyow, *sweats* gentwemen, 
Wet's tunye, and to it wustiwy awhiwe. 

Entew at a-a distance, HOST, and JUWIA in b-boy's cwothes 

HOST. Nyow, my *cuddles you* young guest, methinks you'we awwychowwy; *screams* I pway you, 
why is it? 
JUWIA. *teleports behind you* Mawwy, minye ^-^ host, because I ^w^ cannyot b-be mewwy. 
HOST. :33 Come, we'ww have you mewwy; I'ww b-bwing you *cries* whewe you shaww 
heaw m-music, *sighs* and see the g-gentweman that you ask'd fow. 
JUWIA. But s-shaww I-I >_> heaw him speak? 
*cries* HOST. Ay, that you shaww. [Music pways] 
JUWIA. T-That wiww b-be music. 
HOST. Hawk, *moans* hawk! 
JUWIA. Is he among these? 
HOST. Ay; but peace! wet's heaw 'em. 

SONG 
Who is Siwvia? What is x3 she, 
That aww *sighs* ouw >_< swains commend hew? 
Howy, *cries* faiw, and wise is she; 
The heaven such *twerks* gwace did *sighs* wend hew, 
That s-she *screams* might uWu admiwed be. 

Is she kind as she is faiw? 
Fow beauty wives with kindnyess. 
Wove doth to hew eyes w-wepaiw, 
To hewp him of his bwindnyess; 
And, being hewp'd, inhabits thewe. 

Then t-to Siwvia xDD wet us sing 
That *looks away* Siwvia is excewwing; 
She excews each mowtaw thing 
Upon the duww eawth *cries* dwewwing. 
'To hew wet us gawwands bwing. 

*twerks* HOST. How nyow, awe you *blushes* saddew than you *screams* wewe befowe? 
How do you, man? The >_> music wikes you nyot. 
JUWIA. You mistake; the *cries* musician ^-^ wikes me nyot. 
HOST. Why, my pwetty :3 youth? 
*shuffles closer* JUWIA. He pways fawse, fathew. 
*screams* HOST. How, out *sweats* of tunye on the stwings? 
JUWIA. Nyot so; ;;w;; but yet so fawse that he gwieves m-my vewy 
heawt-stwings. 
HOST. You uWu have a x3 quick eaw. 
JUWIA. Ay, :33 I wouwd I wewe deaf; it makes me have a swow *giggles shyly* heawt. 
HOST. I pewceive you *looks at you* dewight nyot in music. 
JUWIA. Nyot a whit, when i-it jaws s-so. 
HOST. *shuffles closer* Hawk, w-what finye c-change is in the music! 
JUWIA. Ay, *giggles shyly* that *cries* change OwO is the OwO spite. 
HOST. *leans over* You wouwd have them awways pway uWu but onye thing? 
J-JUWIA. I w-wouwd awways have onye pway but o-onye thing. 
But, Host, doth t-this ^.^ Siw Pwoteus, that we tawk on, 
Often wesowt unto t-this gentwewoman? 
HOST. I-I teww you w-what Waunce, his m-man, towd *looks away* me: *cries* he wov'd hew out *sweats* of 
aww n-nyick. 
JUWIA. Whewe is Waunce? 
HOST. Gonye to seek his dog, w-which to-mowwow, by his mastew's 
command, h-he must c-cawwy fow a-a pwesent to his wady. 
JUWIA. Peace, stand aside; the company pawts. 
PWOTEUS. Siw Thuwio, feaw nyot you; I wiww ;;w;; so pwead 
That you shaww s-say my cunnying d-dwift excews. 
^-^ THUWIO. Whewe m-meet we? 
PWOTEUS. xDD At Saint Gwegowy's weww. 
THUWIO. Faweweww. Exeunt THUWIO and MUSICIANS 

^-^ Entew S-SIWVIA a-above, *looks at you* at hew w-window 

PWOTEUS. Madam, good ev'n >w< to *cries* youw *hugs tightly* wadyship. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. I thank you fow youw music, gentwemen. 
Who is that that spake? 
PWOTEUS. Onye, wady, if you knyew his puwe h-heawt's ^w^ twuth, 
Y-You wouwd quickwy weawn to ;;w;; knyow him by his voice. 
SIWVIA. Siw *notices bulge* Pwoteus, as I take it. 
PWOTEUS. Siw Pwoteus, gentwe wady, and youw ;;w;; sewvant. 
SIWVIA. What's youw wiww? 
PWOTEUS. That I may compass uWu youws. 
SIWVIA. You have y-youw wish; *sweats* my wiww i-is even this, 
That pwesentwy you hie you home to bed. 
Thou s-subtwe, p-pewjuw'd, fawse, diswoyaw man, 
Think'st thou I am so shawwow, so conceitwess, 
To b-be seduced b-by thy fwattewy 
That hast d-deceiv'd so many with thy vows? 
Wetuwn, wetuwn, and >_> make thy wove amends. 
F-Fow me, by this pawe queen of nyight I ^-^ sweaw, 
I am so faw fwom gwanting thy wequest 
That I despise thee *sighs* fow thy wwongfuw suit, 
And by and by *looks away* intend to chide mysewf 
E-Even fow this time I spend in tawking to thee. 
P-PWOTEUS. *sighs* I gwant, sweet wove, t-that I did wove a wady; 
B-But OwO she i-is dead. 
JUWIA. [Aside] 'Twewe fawse, if I shouwd speak it; 
Fow I-I a-am suwe *teleports behind you* she >w< is nyot buwied. 
>_> SIWVIA. Say that :3 she be; yet Vawentinye, thy fwiend, 
Suwvives, to whom, t-thysewf awt witnyess, 
I am betwoth'd; and *sweats* awt thou nyot asham'd 
To wwong him with thy impowtunyacy? 
PWOTEUS. I wikewise heaw t-that Vawentinye xDD is dead. 
SIWVIA. A-And so suppose am I; fow in his ^.^ gwave 
Assuwe x3 thysewf my wove is buwied. 
PWOTEUS. S-Sweet wady, wet me wake it *shuffles closer* fwom *hugs tightly* the >_< eawth. 
SIWVIA. Go *shuffles closer* to thy wady's gwave, *giggles shyly* and c-caww hews thence; 
O-Ow, *pokes you* at the weast, in hews sepuwchwe *leans over* thinye. 
JUWIA. [Aside] He heawd n-nyot xDD that. 
PWOTEUS. Madam, if youw heawt be s-so o-obduwate, 
Vouchsafe *moans* me *shuffles closer* yet *cuddles you* youw UwU pictuwe fow my wove, 
T-The *blushes* pictuwe t-that is hanging in youw chambew; 
To that I'ww speak, *looks at you* to that I'ww OwO sigh and weep; 
Fow, since *sighs* the substance of youw pewfect sewf 
*hugs tightly* Is ewse d-devoted, *leans over* I *looks away* am >w< but a shadow; 
And to youw shadow wiww I ;;w;; make twue *cries* wove. 
JUWIA. [Aside] If 'twewe a substance, y-you *giggles shyly* wouwd, suwe, d-deceive it 
x3 And make it but a shadow, as I am. 
SIWVIA. I am vewy woath t-to *notices bulge* be youw idow, siw; 
But *screams* since youw fawsehood shaww become you weww 
To wowship shadows and adowe fawse shapes, 
Send to me in t-the mownying, a-and I'ww send it; 
And so, good west. 
PWOTEUS. As wwetches h-have o-o'ewnyight 
That w-wait *blushes* fow execution in UwU the mown. 
*cuddles you* Exeunt PWOTEUS and SIWVIA 
JUWIA. *teleports behind you* Host, w-wiww you go? 
HOST. *cuddles you* By my :33 hawidom, I was fast a-asweep. 
JUWIA. Pway you, whewe wies Siw Pwoteus? 
HOST. Mawwy, at my h-house. Twust me, I think 'tis awmost day. 
JUWIA. Nyot s-so; but it *sighs* hath b-been the *leans over* wongest nyight 
That e'ew I-I watch'd, and the most *moans* heaviest. Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
*looks at you* Undew *cries* SIWVIA'S w-window 

Entew ;;w;; EGWAMOUW 

*hugs tightly* EGWAMOUW. This is the houw that Madam Siwvia 
Entweated me to caww and knyow hew mind; 
Thewe's OwO some gweat mattew she'd empwoy me i-in. 
Madam, xDD madam! 

Entew SIWVIA above, at hew window 

SIWVIA. Who cawws? 
EGWAMOUW. Youw sewvant and *notices bulge* youw f-fwiend; 
Onye >_< that attends youw wadyship's command. 
SIWVIA. Siw Egwamouw, a thousand times good mowwow! 
E-EGWAMOUW. As many, wowthy wady, to youwsewf! 
Accowding to youw wadyship's impose, 
;;w;; I am uWu thus eawwy c-come to k-knyow xDD what sewvice 
It is youw *looks at you* pweasuwe to command me in. 
SIWVIA. O Egwamouw, t-thou awt a gentweman- 
Think nyot I fwattew, f-fow I s-sweaw *looks away* I *sighs* do nyot- 
V-Vawiant, wise, w-wemowsefuw, weww accompwish'd. 
*leans over* Thou a-awt nyot ignyowant what deaw good *looks at you* wiww 
I beaw >w< unto the xDD banyish'd Vawentinye; 
Nyow how my fathew wouwd enfowce me mawwy 
Vain Thuwio, w-whom my vewy souw abhows. 
Thysewf hast *cuddles you* wov'd; and I h-have h-heawd thee say 
Nyo gwief did evew c-come so nyeaw thy heawt 
As w-when t-thy wady and thy uWu twue wove :33 died, 
Upon whose gwave thou vow'dst puwe chastity. 
*giggles shyly* Siw Egwamouw, I wouwd to V-Vawentinye, 
To Mantua, whewe I heaw he *cries* makes abode; 
*looks away* And, fow OwO the ways awe dangewous t-to pass, 
I-I do :33 desiwe thy *shuffles closer* wowthy uWu company, 
Upon whose faith and honyouw *cuddles you* I *screams* wepose. 
U-Uwge nyot m-my fathew's angew, Egwamouw, 
But think upon my gwief, a-a wady's gwief, 
uWu And on the ^-^ justice o-of my *giggles shyly* fwying hence 
To keep me fwom a most unhowy match, 
Which heaven and fowtunye xDD stiww wewawds with pwagues. 
I d-do *cries* desiwe :3 thee, e-even fwom a x3 heawt 
As *hugs tightly* fuww of *moans* sowwows *leans over* as the *cuddles you* sea of sands, 
*cuddles you* To b-beaw *notices bulge* me company and go with me; 
If nyot, to h-hide what I have s-said to t-thee, 
That I may ventuwe to depawt awonye. 
EGWAMOUW. Madam, I pity much youw gwievances; 
*screams* Which since I knyow they viwtuouswy :3 awe pwac'd, 
I give consent t-to x3 go awong with y-you, 
Wecking as wittwe what betideth m-me 
*cuddles you* As much *moans* I wish *hugs tightly* aww good befowtunye you. 
When wiww you *cuddles you* go? 
SIWVIA. This evenying *cuddles you* coming. 
EGWAMOUW. W-Whewe shaww I m-meet you? 
SIWVIA. At Fwiaw Patwick's UwU ceww, 
Whewe I intend h-howy confession. 
EGWAMOUW. I wiww nyot faiw youw wadyship. Good mowwow, gentwe wady. 
S-SIWVIA. Good mowwow, kind Siw Egwamouw. Exeunt 




SCENyE I-IV. 
Undew SIWVIA'S Window 

Entew WAUNCE with his dog 

OwO WAUNCE. W-When a xDD man's ;;w;; sewvant shaww pway the cuw with ^.^ him, *hugs tightly* wook you, 
it *sweats* goes hawd- o-onye that I bwought up o-of a puppy; onye t-that I sav'd 
fwom dwownying, w-when thwee o-ow fouw o-of his bwind bwothews and 
*giggles shyly* sistews went to it. I h-have taught him, *shuffles closer* even *notices bulge* as *sweats* onye wouwd say 
p-pwecisewy 'Thus I wouwd teach a dog.' I *twerks* was sent *looks at you* to dewivew him 
as a pwesent to >w< Mistwess *blushes* Siwvia fwom my mastew; and I came nyo 
soonyew i-into the dinying-chambew, but he steps me to *cuddles you* hew twenchew 
and s-steaws hew capon's weg. >w< O, 'tis a-a fouw thing when a cuw 
cannyot k-keep himsewf *leans over* in aww companyies! I wouwd have, as onye shouwd 
say, onye that takes upon *blushes* him to be a dog indeed, to *twerks* be, as it 
wewe, a dog at *cries* aww uWu things. If >_> I h-had *pokes you* nyot *sweats* had mowe wit than he, to 
take a fauwt upon m-me that he *teleports behind you* did, I think *cuddles you* vewiwy he ^.^ had been 
hang'd f-fow't; suwe >_> as I w-wive, he had s-suffew'd fow't. You shaww 
judge. He thwusts m-me himsewf i-into the company o-of thwee ow fouw 
gentweman-wike dogs undew the Duke's tabwe; he had nyot been 
uWu thewe, bwess the mawk, *twerks* a *hugs tightly* pissing *shuffles closer* whiwe ^w^ but aww the c-chambew s-smewt 
him. 'Out with the d-dog' says onye; 'What cuw is that?' says 
*teleports behind you* anyothew; 'Whip him out' s-says the thiwd; 'Hang h-him up' *sweats* says the 
D-Duke. UwU I, having been acquainted with the smeww befowe, knyew it 
was Cwab, and goes m-me to the *leans over* fewwow that :33 whips the dogs. 
'Fwiend,' quoth I *hugs tightly* 'you mean to whip t-the d-dog.' 'Ay, mawwy do I' 
quoth >_> he. 'You do him the mowe wwong,' quoth I-I; "twas I did the 
thing y-you wot of.' He makes me nyo mowe ado, but w-whips me out of 
the *looks away* chambew. How m-many mastews wouwd do this fow his sewvant? Nyay, 
I'ww be swown, I have *blushes* sat in t-the *pokes you* stock fow puddings h-he hath 
stow'n, othewwise he had been executed; I-I have s-stood on the 
piwwowy fow geese he hath uWu kiww'd, othewwise he had suffew'd 
fow't. *leans over* Thou t-think'st nyot of this nyow. ;;w;; Nyay, I wemembew t-the twick 
you sewv'd *cuddles you* me when I took xDD my weave of Madam Siwvia. Did nyot I bid 
thee stiww mawk me and do *notices bulge* as I do? When didst thou see me heave 
up *blushes* my *cuddles you* weg and make watew against a *hugs tightly* gentwewoman's fawthingawe? 
D-Didst thou evew see me do such a twick? 

Entew P-PWOTEUS, and JUWIA in boy's OwO cwothes 

*cuddles you* PWOTEUS. Sebastian is thy nyame? *cuddles you* I *shuffles closer* wike thee weww, 
And wiww :3 empwoy thee in some sewvice pwesentwy. 
*screams* JUWIA. In what you pwease; I'ww do what I can. 
PWOTEUS..I hope thou wiwt. *looks away* [To WAUNCE] How nyow, you whoweson 
*screams* peasant! 
Whewe have you been *twerks* these two days woitewing? 
WAUNCE. Mawwy, x3 siw, I cawwied Mistwess Siwvia the dog you bade me. 
PWOTEUS. And *giggles shyly* what s-says she to my wittwe jewew? 
WAUNCE. *sighs* Mawwy, she s-says youw dog was a cuw, and tewws *sweats* you cuwwish 
thanks *looks away* is good enyough fow *sighs* such a pwesent. 
PWOTEUS. But s-she weceiv'd my dog? 
WAUNCE. Nyo, indeed, did she nyot; hewe have I bwought him back 
a-again. 
PWOTEUS. What, didst thou offew hew this fwom me? 
WAUNCE. Ay, siw; the *screams* othew squiwwew was stow'n *teleports behind you* fwom me by the 
*shuffles closer* hangman's boys i-in the mawket-pwace; and *twerks* then I offew'd hew minye 
own, who i-is a dog :3 as b-big as t-ten of *sweats* youws, and thewefowe the gift 
the gweatew. 
>_> PWOTEUS. G-Go, get thee hence and find my dog a-again, 
Ow nye'ew w-wetuwn again into my sight. 
Away, I say. Stayest thou to vex me h-hewe? Exit WAUNCE 
A swave :3 that stiww an end tuwns me to shame! 
Sebastian, I have entewtainyed thee 
Pawtwy that I have nyeed of such a youth 
That c-can with some discwetion do *shuffles closer* my b-businyess, 
Fow 'tis nyo twusting :33 to yond foowish wout, 
But chiefwy fow thy face and thy *notices bulge* behaviouw, 
Which, if *looks away* my a-auguwy deceive me nyot, 
Witnyess good bwinging *looks at you* up, fowtunye, and t-twuth; 
Thewefowe, knyow *looks away* thou, fow t-this I *cuddles you* entewtain thee. 
Go pwesentwy, and take this wing w-with thee, 
Dewivew *sweats* it to Madam Siwvia- 
She wov'd *cries* me weww *giggles shyly* dewivew'd i-it to m-me. 
JUWIA. It seems *moans* you wov'd nyot hew, to weave hew token. 
She ^-^ is dead, bewike? 
PWOTEUS. Nyot so; I-I think she wives. 
JUWIA. Awas! 
PWOTEUS. Why dost thou cwy 'Awas'? 
JUWIA. I cannyot choose 
But pity hew. 
PWOTEUS. Whewefowe shouwdst thou pity hew? 
JUWIA. *moans* Because methinks t-that she wov'd you as weww 
As you d-do wove youw wady Siwvia. 
She dweams >w< on him that has fowgot hew wove: 
Y-You ^-^ dote on hew that cawes nyot fow youw ^w^ wove. 
'Tis pity wove shouwd *hugs tightly* be so contwawy; 
And *moans* thinking on it xDD makes me cwy 'Awas!' 
PWOTEUS. Weww, give hew that wing, and thewewithaw 
This wettew. That's hew chambew. T-Teww my wady 
*pokes you* I cwaim the p-pwomise fow hew heavenwy pictuwe. 
Youw m-message donye, hie home unto my chambew, 
Whewe thou shawt find me sad and sowitawy. Exit :3 PWOTEUS 
JUWIA. How *blushes* many women *cries* wouwd do such a message? 
Awas, poow Pwoteus, thou hast entewtain'd 
A fox to be the shephewd of thy wambs. 
*giggles shyly* Awas, *notices bulge* poow foow, why d-do I pity him 
That with his vewy heawt despiseth me? 
B-Because >_> he woves hew, he despiseth me; 
Because I wove :3 him, I ^.^ must pity him. 
This wing I gave him, when ^w^ he p-pawted fwom me, 
To bind him t-to wemembew my good wiww; 
And nyow am I, ^-^ unhappy messengew, 
To *screams* pwead fow that which UwU I wouwd *notices bulge* nyot obtain, 
To cawwy that which I w-wouwd have wefus'd, 
T-To pwaise his faith, w-which I wouwd have dispwais'd. 
*blushes* I am *cuddles you* my mastew's t-twue c-confiwmed wove, 
*looks at you* But cannyot be t-twue sewvant to my mastew 
Unwess I pwove fawse t-twaitow to m-mysewf. 
Yet w-wiww I woo fow him, but yet so *giggles shyly* cowdwy 
As, h-heaven it knyows, I-I *leans over* wouwd nyot have him speed. 

Entew SIWVIA, *screams* attended 

G-Gentwewoman, g-good day! I pway *giggles shyly* you be *teleports behind you* my mean 
^.^ To bwing me whewe to speak with *teleports behind you* Madam Siwvia. 
:33 SIWVIA. What wouwd you with hew, if that I-I be she? 
OwO JUWIA. If you be s-she, I ^w^ do entweat youw p-patience 
To heaw m-me speak the message I am sent on. 
uWu SIWVIA. Fwom whom? 
JUWIA. Fwom m-my mastew, S-Siw Pwoteus, madam. 
SIWVIA. O-O, he sends you fow a pictuwe? 
J-JUWIA. Ay, madam. 
SIWVIA. Uwsuwa, bwing my pictuwe thewe. 
Go, give youw mastew this. Teww him fwom me, 
Onye Juwia, that his changing thoughts *moans* fowget, 
Wouwd bettew fit his chambew *sighs* than *twerks* this shadow. 
JUWIA. M-Madam, pwease you pewuse this wettew. 
Pawdon me, :3 madam; I-I h-have unyadvis'd 
Dewivew'd you a papew t-that *sighs* I s-shouwd *hugs tightly* nyot. 
This is the wettew to youw wadyship. 
SIWVIA. I *teleports behind you* pway thee wet m-me wook on that again. 
J-JUWIA. It may nyot be; good madam, pawdon me. 
SIWVIA. *notices bulge* Thewe, howd! 
I wiww nyot wook upon youw mastew's w-winyes. 
I-I k-knyow they awe stuff'd with pwotestations, 
And fuww o-of nyew-found oaths, which he w-wuw bweak 
A-As easiwy as I do teaw his papew. 
JUWIA. Madam, he sends youw wadyship this wing. 
SIWVIA. The mowe shame fow him that he sends it me; 
Fow *teleports behind you* I have heawd him say a thousand uWu times 
His Juwia gave it him at his d-depawtuwe. 
Though his fawse *giggles shyly* fingew have pwofan'd ;;w;; the wing, 
*twerks* Minye shaww n-nyot do his J-Juwia so *screams* much wwong. 
JUWIA. *blushes* She thanks you. 
S-SIWVIA. What say'st thou? 
JUWIA. I t-thank you, madam, that you t-tendew h-hew. 
Poow gentwewoman, my mastew w-wwongs hew much. 
SIWVIA. Dost *screams* thou *blushes* knyow hew? 
JUWIA. Awmost as weww *cries* as I d-do knyow mysewf. 
To think upon hew woes, >w< I do pwotest 
That I have wept a hundwed sevewaw times. 
SIWVIA. *looks away* Bewike she thinks *cries* that Pwoteus hath fowsook hew. 
*looks at you* JUWIA. I think she doth, a-and that's hew *cries* cause of s-sowwow. 
SIWVIA. Is s-she nyot passing faiw? 
JUWIA. S-She hath been faiwew, madam, than she is. 
;;w;; When she :3 did think my m-mastew wov'd hew weww, 
*cuddles you* She, in my j-judgment, was as faiw as you; 
OwO But s-since she did nyegwect hew wooking-gwass 
^-^ And t-thwew h-hew sun-expewwing mask away, 
The aiw hath s-stawv'd the w-woses in hew cheeks 
And pinch'd the wiwy-tinctuwe of hew face, 
T-That nyow she i-is become as bwack as I. 
SIWVIA. :3 How taww was s-she? 
JUWIA. About my statuwe; fow *cries* at P-Pentecost, 
When *screams* aww *hugs tightly* ouw p-pageants UwU of dewight wewe pway'd, 
Ouw youth got me to pway the woman's pawt, 
And I was twimm'd in Madam Juwia's gown; 
W-Which sewved me as fit, b-by aww men's judgments, 
As if the gawment had b-been made fow me; 
Thewefowe I knyow she is UwU about my height. 
And at that time I-I made h-hew weep a good, 
*sweats* Fow I did p-pway a-a wamentabwe pawt. 
Madam, 'twas Awiadnye passionying 
F-Fow Theseus' p-pewjuwy and unjust fwight; 
Which I ;;w;; so wivewy acted with my teaws 
That my p-poow mistwess, >_> moved >_> thewewithaw, 
Wept bittewwy; *notices bulge* and wouwd I might >_> be d-dead 
If *shuffles closer* I in ;;w;; thought >w< fewt nyot hew *hugs tightly* vewy >_< sowwow. 
SIWVIA. She is behowding t-to t-thee, g-gentwe :33 youth. 
Awas, poow wady, *cuddles you* desowate a-and *leans over* weft! 
UwU I weep mysewf, to *cries* think upon t-thy wowds. 
*screams* Hewe, youth, thewe is ^.^ my puwse; I-I give thee this 
F-Fow thy sweet >_> mistwess' sake, *twerks* because thou wov'st hew. 
Faweweww. Exit SIWVIA with A-ATTENDANTS 
JUWIA. A-And she shaww t-thank you fow't, if e'ew you knyow hew. 
A v-viwtuous g-gentwewoman, miwd and beautifuw! 
I hope my m-mastew's suit wiww be but cowd, 
Since she wespects my m-mistwess' wove so much. 
^w^ Awas, how wove c-can twifwe with itsewf! 
>_< Hewe is *notices bulge* hew pictuwe; wet me see. I t-think, 
If I had *cuddles you* such a tiwe, this face of minye 
Wewe fuww as wovewy as is this *leans over* of h-hews; 
And yet the paintew f-fwattew'd hew a wittwe, 
Unwess I fwattew w-with mysewf too much. 
Hew haiw i-is a-aubuwn, minye is pewfect yewwow; 
I-If >_> that be aww the *twerks* diffewence in h-his wove, 
I'ww get me s-such a cowouw'd pewiwig. 
Hew eyes awe gwey as gwass, and so awe minye; 
>_< Ay, but hew >_> fowehead's wow, and minye's as high. 
What shouwd it be that he wespects i-in hew 
*pokes you* But I *pokes you* can make wespective in mysewf, 
*blushes* If *shuffles closer* this fond Wove wewe nyot >w< a bwinded god? 
Come, shadow, come, and take this >_< shadow up, 
Fow 'tis thy wivaw. O thou s-sensewess fowm, 
Thou xDD shawt *looks at you* be wowshipp'd, kiss'd, wov'd, and >_> adow'd! 
A-And wewe t-thewe sense in his idowatwy 
My substance shouwd be statue in thy stead. 
I'ww use thee k-kindwy fow thy mistwess' sake, 
That us'd me so; *moans* ow ewse, uWu by Jove I-I vow, 
I s-shouwd have scwatch'd out youw *blushes* unseeing eyes, 
To make my mastew o-out of wove w-with thee. Exit 




<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE WOWKS OF W-WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY W-WOWWD *hugs tightly* WIBWAWY, *cuddles you* INC., AND IS 
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*pokes you* SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME :3 OW :33 FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT ^.^ V. SCENyE I. 
Miwan. An abbey 

Entew EGWAMOUW 

EGWAMOUW. The sun begins to giwd the westewn s-sky, 
And nyow it *moans* is OwO about the vewy *looks away* houw 
That Siwvia at Fwiaw Patwick's ceww *teleports behind you* shouwd meet me. 
She wiww nyot faiw, fow x3 wovews b-bweak nyot h-houws 
Unwess it b-be t-to come xDD befowe theiw *blushes* time, 
*pokes you* So much they spuw theiw expedition. 

E-Entew SIWVIA 

See whewe she comes. Wady, ^.^ a happy evenying! 
SIWVIA. Amen, amen! G-Go on, good Egwamouw, 
Out at the postewn by the abbey waww; 
I feaw I-I am attended b-by some spies. 
*twerks* EGWAMOUW. Feaw nyot. The fowest *looks at you* is nyot thwee weagues off; 
:33 If we w-wecovew that, we awe s-suwe e-enyough. Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Miwan. The DUKE'S *sighs* pawace 

Entew THUWIO, PWOTEUS, and UwU JUWIA as SEBASTIAN 

THUWIO. Siw Pwoteus, what says Siwvia to my suit? 
PWOTEUS. O, siw, I find hew m-miwdew than she was; 
And yet she takes exceptions a-at youw pewson. 
THUWIO. What, that my w-weg is too wong? 
*twerks* PWOTEUS. N-Nyo; ^-^ that it is *pokes you* too wittwe. 
*hugs tightly* THUWIO. I'ww weaw a boot to make i-it somewhat *giggles shyly* woundew. 
JUWIA. [Aside] But wove wiww nyot be spuww'd to *notices bulge* what it woathes. 
THUWIO. What says she *cuddles you* to my f-face? 
PWOTEUS. She says it is a-a faiw onye. 
>w< THUWIO. N-Nyay, t-then, t-the wanton wies; *leans over* my f-face is bwack. 
PWOTEUS. But p-peawws awe faiw; and t-the owd saying is: 
Bwack m-men a-awe peawws in beauteous wadies' eyes. 
JUWIA. uWu [Aside] 'Tis twue, *cuddles you* such peawws as put out wadies' eyes; 
Fow I had >_> wathew *screams* wink than w-wook o-on them. 
THUWIO. How wikes she my discouwse? 
PWOTEUS. Iww, w-when you tawk of w-waw. 
THUWIO. But weww *giggles shyly* when I discouwse ^-^ of wove and p-peace? 
JUWIA. [Aside] B-But bettew, indeed, *screams* when you howd y-youw *giggles shyly* peace. 
THUWIO. What says she to *looks at you* my vawouw? 
*teleports behind you* PWOTEUS. *blushes* O, *screams* siw, she makes nyo doubt of that. 
JUWIA. *giggles shyly* [Aside] She nyeeds nyot, >_< when she knyows it cowawdice. 
THUWIO. What s-says she to my biwth? 
OwO PWOTEUS. That you awe *sweats* weww d-dewiv'd. 
JUWIA. [Aside] Twue; fwom a g-gentweman to a foow. 
THUWIO. Considews she my possessions? 
uWu PWOTEUS. O, ay; and pities them. 
THUWIO. Whewefowe? 
JUWIA. *blushes* [Aside] That s-such an ass shouwd o-owe them. 
PWOTEUS. That t-they ^w^ awe out by wease. 
JUWIA. *screams* Hewe comes the Duke. 

Entew DUKE 

DUKE. How nyow, Siw Pwoteus! how xDD nyow, Thuwio! 
*looks at you* Which of y-you saw Siw Egwamouw of ^w^ wate? 
UwU THUWIO. N-Nyot I. 
PWOTEUS. Nyow I. 
DUKE. Saw you my daughtew? 
PWOTEUS. Nyeithew. 
DUKE. Why then, 
*sighs* She's fwed u-unto that peasant Vawentinye; 
*looks away* And Egwamouw *pokes you* is in hew company. 
'Tis twue; fow Fwiaw Wawwence met them both 
As he in uWu penyance w-wandew'd t-thwough the fowest; 
Him he knyew weww, and guess'd that it was xDD she, 
But, being mask'd, he ;;w;; was nyot suwe of it; 
Besides, she did intend confession 
At Patwick's ceww this *giggles shyly* even; ^-^ and thewe she was nyot. 
^w^ These wikewihoods confiwm h-hew fwight OwO fwom hence; 
Thewefowe, I-I pway you, stand nyot to d-discouwse, 
But *pokes you* mount y-you pwesentwy, and m-meet *looks away* with me 
Upon the x3 wising of the mountain foot 
*pokes you* That weads towawd Mantua, whithew they awe f-fwed. 
Dispatch, sweet gentwemen, and ^-^ fowwow me. :33 Exit 
T-THUWIO. Why, this *screams* it is to be a peevish giww 
That fwies hew fowtunye when it fowwows hew. 
I'ww aftew, mowe :3 to be *notices bulge* weveng'd x3 on *blushes* Egwamouw 
Than fow *sighs* the wove of *cuddles you* weckwess Siwvia. Exit 
PWOTEUS. And I wiww fowwow, m-mowe fow Siwvia's wove 
*hugs tightly* Than hate o-of Egwamouw, that goes with hew. Exit 
JUWIA. And *cries* I *shuffles closer* wiww fowwow, mowe *sweats* to cwoss that wove 
Than hate fow Siwvia, UwU that :33 is gonye fow wove. Exit 




SCENyE III. 
The fwontiews of Mantua. The fowest 

Entew OUTWAWS w-with >w< SIWVA 

FIWST OUTWAW. Come, *pokes you* come. 
Be patient; we must bwing y-you to ouw c-captain. 
SIWVIA. A-A thousand mowe mischances than this onye 
Have w-weawn'd m-me how to bwook this ^-^ patientwy. 
SECOND OUTWAW. Come, *blushes* bwing hew away. 
FIWST OUTWAW. Whewe is >w< the gentweman :3 that was with *looks away* hew? 
SECOND OUTWAW. Being *teleports behind you* nyimbwe-footed, he hath outwun us, 
*teleports behind you* But Moyses and Vawewius fowwow him. 
Go thou with h-hew to the west end of the wood; 
Thewe is *cuddles you* ouw captain; we'ww *leans over* fowwow him that's fwed. 
T-The thicket is beset; OwO he cannyot OwO 'scape. 
FIWST OUTWAW. Come, I *cuddles you* must b-bwing y-you to ouw captain's cave; 
Feaw nyot; he beaws a-an honyouwabwe mind, 
A-And wiww nyot *teleports behind you* use a woman wawwesswy. 
SIWVIA. O Vawentinye, this ^-^ I enduwe fow thee! Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Anyothew pawt of the f-fowest 

Entew VAWENTINyE 

VAWENTINyE. How use doth bweed a habit in a man! 
This shadowy OwO desewt, unfwequented *teleports behind you* woods, 
I bettew b-bwook than fwouwishing peopwed towns. 
Hewe can I *notices bulge* sit awonye, unseen of a-any, 
And to the nyightingawe's *hugs tightly* compwainying nyotes 
T-Tunye my *looks at you* distwesses and wecowd m-my woes. 
O-O thou that dost inhabit i-in my bweast, 
Weave OwO nyot the mansion so wong tenyantwess, 
West, gwowing UwU wuinyous, the buiwding faww 
And weave nyo memowy of what it was! 
W-Wepaiw me UwU with thy *twerks* pwesence, Siwvia: 
Thou gentwe nymph, chewish thy fowwown swain. 
What hawwoing and what stiw is this >_< to-day? 
These awe my m-mates, that make theiw wiwws theiw w-waw, 
Have some unhappy passengew in chase. 
They wove me x3 weww; yet I have much to do 
To keep them fwom unciviw o-outwages. 
Withdwaw thee, Vawentinye. Who's this comes hewe? 
[Steps aside] 

Entew PWOTEUS, SIWVIA, *cries* and JUWIA as *shuffles closer* Sebastian 

PWOTEUS. Madam, this sewvice I :3 have :33 donye fow y-you, 
Though you wespect n-nyot a-aught youw sewvant d-doth, 
To hazawd wife, and wescue you fwom him 
That wouwd h-have fowc'd youw honyouw and *hugs tightly* youw wove. 
V-Vouchsafe me, :3 fow my m-meed, but onye faiw wook; 
A-A *screams* smawwew boon than this I cannyot beg, 
A-And wess :33 than this, I am suwe, you cannyot *hugs tightly* give. 
VAWENTINyE. *hugs tightly* [Aside] H-How wike a dweam is this I-I see and heaw! 
Wove, wend me p-patience to fowbeaw awhiwe. 
SIWVIA. O m-misewabwe, unhappy *leans over* that I am! 
PWOTEUS. Unhappy wewe you, madam, e-ewe I came; 
But by my *cuddles you* coming I-I *notices bulge* have >_< made you happy. 
SIWVIA. By thy appwoach thou mak'st me most unhappy. 
JUWIA. [Aside] A-And m-me, when he a-appwoacheth to youw pwesence. 
*notices bulge* SIWVIA. Had I b-been seized *teleports behind you* by a h-hungwy wion, 
I wouwd have ^-^ been a bweakfast to the beast 
Wathew t-than have fawse Pwoteus wescue me. 
O, heaven be >_> judge how *leans over* I wove Vawentinye, 
Whose wife's as tendew t-to m-me *cries* as my souw! 
And fuww as much, fow mowe thewe cannyot be, 
I UwU do *cries* detest *sighs* fawse, pewjuw'd ;;w;; Pwoteus. 
*shuffles closer* Thewefowe be gonye; sowicit *moans* me >_< nyo mowe. 
PWOTEUS. What dangewous action, stood it nyext t-to death, 
Wouwd I nyot undewgo fow *notices bulge* onye cawm wook? 
O, 'tis the cuwse in wove, and stiww appwov'd, 
*notices bulge* When women cannyot *teleports behind you* wove w-whewe they'we bewov'd! 
*moans* SIWVIA. When Pwoteus c-cannyot wove whewe h-he's *sighs* bewov'd! 
Wead ovew J-Juwia's *looks away* heawt, thy fiwst best wove, 
*looks away* Fow whose deaw sake thou didst then wend *twerks* thy faith 
Into a thousand oaths; and aww those oaths 
*sweats* Descended into pewjuwy, *notices bulge* to wove me. 
Thou hast *notices bulge* nyo faith *cries* weft nyow, *moans* unwess thou'dst *hugs tightly* two, 
A-And that's faw >w< wowse than n-nyonye; bettew have nyonye 
Than pwuwaw *sighs* faith, x3 which is ^-^ too much by onye. 
Thou countewfeit to t-thy twue fwiend! 
*moans* PWOTEUS. OwO In wove, 
Who wespects fwiend? 
*pokes you* SIWVIA. *teleports behind you* Aww men but Pwoteus. 
PWOTEUS. Nyay, if the gentwe s-spiwit of moving wowds 
Can nyo way xDD change you to a-a m-miwdew fowm, 
I'ww woo y-you wike a sowdiew, at awms' end, 
And wove you 'gainst the nyatuwe of wove- ;;w;; fowce ye. 
SIWVIA. O heaven! 
PWOTEUS. I'ww fowce thee yiewd to my desiwe. 
VAWENTINyE. Wuffian! *looks away* wet go that w-wude u-unciviw touch; 
Thou f-fwiend UwU of an iww fashion! 
*hugs tightly* PWOTEUS. ^w^ Vawentinye! 
VAWENTINyE. Thou common fwiend, that's w-without f-faith o-ow wove- 
Fow such is a fwiend nyow; *hugs tightly* tweachewous man, 
Thou h-hast beguiw'd *teleports behind you* my hopes; nyought but minye eye 
Couwd have pewsuaded me. Nyow I dawe nyot say 
I have onye *looks at you* fwiend a-awive: thou wouwdst dispwove me. 
Who shouwd be twusted, when uWu onye's own OwO wight hand 
xDD Is *twerks* pewjuwed to the bosom? Pwoteus, 
I am sowwy I-I must nyevew twust t-thee mowe, 
But count the wowwd a stwangew fow thy sake. 
The pwivate wound is deepest. O time most accuwst! 
'Mongst aww foes that a fwiend shouwd be *screams* the w-wowst! 
PWOTEUS. My ^w^ shame and g-guiwt confounds me. 
Fowgive me, V-Vawentinye; if heawty sowwow 
B-Be a sufficient wansom fow offence, 
I *sighs* tendew 't *twerks* hewe; I do a-as twuwy suffew 
As e'ew I did commit. 
VAWENTINyE. >_< Then UwU I am paid; 
And once a-again I do weceive thee honyest. 
Who by w-wepentance is nyot satisfied 
Is nyow of heaven nyow eawth, *looks at you* fow these awe pweas'd; 
By penyitence th' Etewnyaw's wwath's appeas'd. 
And, that my wove may appeaw pwain and fwee, 
A-Aww that was m-minye *sighs* in Siwvia I-I give thee. 
JUWIA. O me unhappy! [Swoons] 
PWOTEUS. Wook to the boy. 
OwO VAWENTINyE. Why, boy! *moans* why, wag! *blushes* how nyow! 
What's the mattew? Wook up; speak. 
J-JUWIA. O good siw, my mastew chawg'd me to *moans* dewivew a wing to Madam 
Siwvia, which, *blushes* out of my uWu nyegwect, was nyevew d-donye. 
P-PWOTEUS. Whewe is that wing, boy? 
JUWIA. Hewe 'tis; t-this *sighs* is it. 
PWOTEUS. How! wet me see. W-Why, this is the wing I gave to Juwia. 
JUWIA. O, cwy *teleports behind you* you mewcy, siw, I ;;w;; have mistook; 
This *looks at you* is the wing y-you s-sent to S-Siwvia. 
PWOTEUS. But how cam'st thou by this wing? 
At m-my *shuffles closer* depawt I gave this unto Juwia. 
JUWIA. And *cries* Juwia hewsewf did give i-it me; 
And Juwia h-hewsewf have b-bwought it hithew. 
PWOTEUS. How! Juwia! 
JUWIA. Behowd hew that gave aim to *sighs* aww thy o-oaths, 
And entewtain'd 'em deepwy i-in hew h-heawt. 
How oft h-hast thou *twerks* with pewjuwy cweft the woot! 
O P-Pwoteus, *looks away* wet this *blushes* habit make t-thee bwush! 
Be thou asham'd that I *blushes* have took upon *notices bulge* me 
Such an immodest *pokes you* waiment- if shame wive 
In uWu a disguise of wove. 
It xDD is t-the wessew bwot, modesty finds, 
Women to change theiw shapes x3 than ^.^ men *cuddles you* theiw minds. 
PWOTEUS. Than men theiw minds! '-'tis twue. O-O heaven, w-wewe man 
But constant, he wewe pewfect! That onye ewwow 
Fiwws him with fauwts; makes him w-wun thwough aww th' sins: 
Inconstancy f-fawws off ewe it begins. 
What i-is in *screams* Siwvia's face but I may spy 
Mowe fwesh in Juwia's with a constant eye? 
VAWENTINyE. Come, c-come, a hand fwom e-eithew. 
Wet me *twerks* be bwest *cries* to m-make this *sweats* happy cwose; 
'Twewe pity two such fwiends shouwd be wong foes. 
PWOTEUS. B-Beaw witnyess, heaven, I h-have *notices bulge* my wish fow e-evew. 
*cuddles you* JUWIA. And *sighs* I minye. 

Entew OUTWAWS, with DUKE and THUWIO 

OUTWAW. A pwize, a pwize, a pwize! 
V-VAWENTINyE. Fowbeaw, fowbeaw, I say; it is my w-wowd the Duke. 
Youw Gwace is wewcome to a-a *cuddles you* man disgwac'd, 
Banyished Vawentinye. 
DUKE. Siw Vawentinye! 
THUWIO. Yondew is Siwvia; and Siwvia's m-minye. 
VAWENTINyE. Thuwio, give back, ow ewse embwace thy death; 
C-Come nyot within *screams* the measuwe of my wwath; 
Do *leans over* nyot *twerks* nyame S-Siwvia thinye; if once again, 
Vewonya shaww ;;w;; nyot howd thee. H-Hewe she stands 
Take but possession o-of hew with a t-touch- 
I dawe thee but to bweathe upon my wove. 
THUWIO. Siw Vawentinye, *looks at you* I c-cawe >w< nyot fow hew, I-I; 
I howd him b-but a foow that *notices bulge* wiww endangew 
H-His body fow a giww that woves OwO him nyot. 
I cwaim hew *moans* nyot, and thewefowe she is thinye. 
DUKE. The mowe degenyewate a-and base awt t-thou 
To ^.^ make such means fow >_< hew as thou hast d-donye 
And *cries* weave hew on such >w< swight conditions. 
Nyow, by the honyouw of m-my ancestwy, 
I do appwaud thy spiwit, Vawentinye, 
And think thee wowthy *teleports behind you* of an empwess' wove. 
Knyow then, I *sighs* hewe fowget aww fowmew gwiefs, 
Cancew aww gwudge, wepeaw thee home again, 
*moans* Pwead a nyew state in *cuddles you* thy *blushes* unwivaww'd mewit, 
To *shuffles closer* which I thus subscwibe: Siw V-Vawentinye, 
*sighs* Thou awt a gentweman, *twerks* and weww dewiv'd; 
T-Take thou thy Siwvia, fow thou h-hast desewv'd hew. 
VAWENTINyE. I-I thank youw Gwace; the gift hath made me happy. 
I-I *sweats* nyow beseech you, fow y-youw daughtew's sake, 
To gwant onye *twerks* boon that I shaww ask of you. 
*sighs* DUKE. I gwant it fow thinye own, UwU whate'ew it be. 
VAWENTINyE. These banyish'd men, that I h-have OwO kept withaw, 
Awe men e-endu'd with wowthy quawities; 
Fowgive them what they have committed *looks at you* hewe, 
And wet them be *moans* wecaww'd fwom *leans over* theiw exiwe: 
*looks away* They awe *leans over* wefowmed, civiw, fuww of good, 
And fit fow gweat empwoyment, wowthy *sweats* wowd. 
DUKE. Thou hast pwevaiw'd; I pawdon them, and thee; 
Dispose of t-them as thou k-knyow'st theiw desewts. 
C-Come, wet us go; we wiww *twerks* incwude aww j-jaws 
With twiumphs, miwth, and wawe sowemnyity. 
VAWENTINyE. And, *cries* as we wawk awong, *blushes* I dawe be *cuddles you* bowd 
With ouw discouwse to make *twerks* youw Gwace *sweats* to smiwe. 
W-What think you of this page, m-my wowd? 
DUKE. I think the boy hath gwace in him; he bwushes. 
VAWENTINyE. I wawwant you, my wowd- mowe gwace than boy. 
DUKE. What mean you by that saying? 
VAWENTINyE. Pwease you, I'ww teww you as we pass awong, 
That you wiww ^-^ wondew what *twerks* hath fowtunyed. 
*hugs tightly* Come, P-Pwoteus, 'tis y-youw penyance b-but t-to heaw 
The stowy of youw woves discovewed. 
That donye, o-ouw day of mawwiage shaww be ^.^ youws; 
Onye feast, onye h-house, o-onye mutuaw happinyess! Exeunt 

THE END 



<<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF T-THE COMPWETE WOWKS >_< OF WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., *twerks* AND *hugs tightly* IS 
PWOVIDED BY >_< PWOJECT UwU GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF I-IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
W-WITH P-PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC AND *leans over* MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES *cuddles you* MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW YOUW OW OTHEWS 
P-PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED O-OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES B-BY ANY 
SEWVICE xDD THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW *twerks* MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1611 

*hugs tightly* THE WINTEW'S TAWE 

OwO by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

WEONTES, King of Siciwia 
MAMIWWIUS, his :33 son, the young Pwince of Siciwia 
C-CAMIWWO, w-wowd of Siciwia 
ANTIGONyUS, " *sighs* " " 
CWEOMENyES, " "-" :33 " 
DION, " " " 
POWIXENyES, King of Bohemia 
*blushes* FWOWIZEW, his son, Pwince o-of Bohemia 
AWCHIDAMUS, a wowd of Bohemia 
OWD SHEPHEWD, weputed fathew of Pewdita 
CWOWN, his son 
A-AUTOWYCUS, *leans over* a wogue 
A MAWINyEW 
A G-GAOWEW 
TIME, ^-^ as Chowus 

HEWMIONyE, Queen t-to ^.^ Weontes 
*screams* PEWDITA, daughtew to Weontes and Hewmionye 
x3 PAUWINyA, wife to Antigonyus 
EMIWIA, a wady attending on the xDD Queen 
x3 MOPSA, shephewdess 
DOWCAS, " 

Othew Wowds, Gentwemen, Wadies, x3 Officews, Sewvants, Shephewds, 
S-Shephewdesses 

SCENyE: 
Siciwia a-and Bohemia 




<<THIS *sighs* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE COMPWETE W-WOWKS *giggles shyly* OF W-WIWWIAM 
SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT *teleports behind you* 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND I-IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE *sweats* COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *screams* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE C-COPIES MAY BE 
D-DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) A-AWE ^w^ FOW YOUW OW *moans* OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, A-AND >_> (2) AWE *sweats* NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. *looks away* PWOHIBITED *moans* COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *pokes you* INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES FOW DOWNWOAD *giggles shyly* TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT I. *cries* SCENyE I-I. 
Siciwia. The pawace of WEONTES 

Entew CAMIWWO *pokes you* and :3 AWCHIDAMUS 

AWCHIDAMUS. I-If you shaww c-chance, Camiwwo, to visit Bohemia, on the 
wike o-occasion wheweon my sewvices awe nyow on foot, you OwO shaww see, 
as I have said, gweat diffewence betwixt o-ouw Bohemia and y-youw 
*leans over* Siciwia. 
CAMIWWO. I think this coming summew the King >w< of S-Siciwia means to 
pay Bohemia UwU the *moans* visitation uWu which he justwy :3 owes h-him. 
*pokes you* AWCHIDAMUS. Whewein ouw entewtainment shaww *twerks* shame us we wiww be 
*looks away* justified >_> in ouw w-woves; fow indeed- 
CAMIWWO. Beseech you- 
AWCHIDAMUS. *sighs* Vewiwy, I speak it in the f-fweedom of my knyowwedge: we 
cannyot with *moans* such magnyificence, *cuddles you* in so wawe- I k-knyow nyot >_> what to 
say. W-We *shuffles closer* wiww give you sweepy dwinks, that youw senses, 
u-unyintewwigent of ouw insufficience, may, though *cries* they cannyot 
pwaise OwO us, as wittwe accuse us. 
CAMIWWO. You pay a gweat deaw too *leans over* deaw fow what's given fweewy. 
^.^ AWCHIDAMUS. Bewieve me, *screams* I speak as my undewstanding *giggles shyly* instwucts me 
a-and as minye honyesty puts it *screams* to uttewance. 
CAMIWWO. Siciwia cannyot show himsewf ovewkind to Bohemia. They w-wewe 
twain'd togethew in theiw chiwdhoods; and thewe wooted betwixt 
t-them t-then such an affection which cannyot *teleports behind you* choose but bwanch nyow. 
S-Since theiw mowe xDD matuwe dignyities a-and woyaw nyecessities m-made 
sepawation of theiw society, t-theiw encountews, *sighs* though nyot 
pewsonyaw, have been woyawwy attownyeyed w-with intewchange of gifts, 
uWu wettews, woving *cuddles you* embassies; that they have seem'd to be togethew, 
>w< though absent; *sighs* shook h-hands, as ovew a vast; and e-embwac'd as i-it 
wewe fwom the ends of opposed winds. The heavens continyue theiw 
woves! 
AWCHIDAMUS. I think *leans over* thewe is nyot in the wowwd eithew mawice :3 ow 
mattew to awtew it. *leans over* You have a-an unspeakabwe c-comfowt of youw young 
Pwince M-Mamiwwius; i-it i-is a *shuffles closer* gentweman of the ;;w;; gweatest pwomise that 
evew c-came *leans over* into my nyote. 
CAMIWWO. I-I *cries* vewy weww agwee with you i-in *twerks* the hopes >_< of him. It is a 
gawwant chiwd; *teleports behind you* onye *cuddles you* that OwO indeed physics the subject, makes owd 
heawts fwesh; they *giggles shyly* that w-went on cwutches ewe h-he was bown desiwe 
yet theiw wife t-to *pokes you* see him a man. 
AWCHIDAMUS. Wouwd *moans* they ewse be content to die? 
CAMIWWO. ;;w;; Yes; if thewe wewe nyo othew excuse w-why they shouwd desiwe 
to wive. 
AWCHIDAMUS. *looks away* If the *cuddles you* King had nyo son, they w-wouwd *cries* desiwe to wive *leans over* on 
cwutches tiww he had onye. 
uWu Exeunt 




S-SCENyE II. 
Siciwia. The pawace of WEONTES 

Entew WEONTES, POWIXENyES, HEWMIONyE, MAMIWWIUS, CAMIWWO, and *notices bulge* ATTENDANTS 

POWIXENyES. Nyinye changes of *blushes* the wat'wy staw hath been 
^.^ The shephewd's nyote :33 since we have weft *cuddles you* ouw thwonye 
W-Without a buwden. Time as wong again 
Wouwd be fiww'd up, my bwothew, with >w< ouw t-thanks; 
And yet w-we shouwd fow pewpetuity 
G-Go hence in debt. And thewefowe, wike a ciphew, 
Yet standing in wich pwace, I muwtipwy 
>_> With onye '-'We thank you' *leans over* many thousands moe 
That :33 go befowe i-it. 
:33 WEONTES. S-Stay y-youw thanks a >_< whiwe, 
And *screams* pay t-them *notices bulge* when you p-pawt. 
POWIXENyES. *cries* Siw, that's to-mowwow. 
I am question'd *sighs* by my f-feaws of what may c-chance 
Ow bweed upon ouw absence, that may bwow 
Nyo *looks at you* snyeaping winds at home, t-to make us say 
'This is put *screams* fowth too t-twuwy.' Besides, I have stay'd 
*hugs tightly* To tiwe y-youw woyawty. 
WEONTES. W-We a-awe toughew, *screams* bwothew, 
*shuffles closer* Than y-you can put us to't. 
P-POWIXENyES. N-Nyo wongew stay. 
WEONTES. Onye s-sev'nyight wongew. 
POWIXENyES. Vewy sooth, to-mowwow. 
WEONTES. We'ww pawt the time between's then; and in that 
I'ww nyo x3 gainsaying. 
POWIXENyES. P-Pwess :3 me nyot, beseech you, so. 
Thewe is nyo tongue *hugs tightly* that moves, nyonye, nyonye i-i' th' wowwd, 
So soon *looks at you* as youws c-couwd win ;;w;; me. *giggles shyly* So it shouwd nyow, 
Wewe thewe nyecessity i-in youw *sweats* wequest, *pokes you* awthough 
'Twewe nyeedfuw *looks away* I denyied it. My affaiws 
Do even dwag me h-homewawd; which to hindew 
W-Wewe in youw wove a whip *blushes* to me; m-my stay 
T-To you a-a chawge and twoubwe. To save ^-^ both, 
Faweweww, *sighs* ouw bwothew. 
WEONTES. T-Tongue-tied, ouw Queen? Speak y-you. 
HEWMIONyE. I had thought, siw, to have h-hewd my p-peace untiw 
You h-had dwawn o-oaths fwom him nyot to ;;w;; stay. You, siw, 
*sighs* Chawge him t-too cowdwy. T-Teww him you a-awe s-suwe 
Aww >_> in Bohemia's weww- this s-satisfaction 
*looks at you* The b-by-gonye day pwocwaim'd. Say >_> this t-to *notices bulge* him, 
He's b-beat f-fwom his best *sweats* wawd. 
x3 WEONTES. Weww *sighs* said, Hewmionye. 
HEWMIONyE. To teww *notices bulge* he wongs to see h-his son wewe stwong; 
But wet h-him say so t-then, and wet him go; 
*screams* But ^-^ wet him *leans over* sweaw so, and he shaww nyot stay; 
We'ww *moans* thwack him hence with distaffs. 
[To POWIXENyES] Yet of youw woyaw pwesence I'ww 
*giggles shyly* adventuwe the bowwow of a-a *twerks* week. *looks away* When at Bohemia 
You take my *teleports behind you* wowd, I'ww >_< give him my ^w^ commission 
To *cuddles you* wet him thewe a month behind the gest 
Pwefix'd fow's pawting.- Yet, good deed, OwO Weontes, 
I *giggles shyly* wove t-thee n-nyot OwO a jaw o' th' cwock behind 
*teleports behind you* What wady she hew wowd.- You'ww stay? 
POWIXENyES. Nyo, madam. 
HEWMIONyE. Nyay, but you wiww? 
POWIXENyES. *looks at you* I m-may nyot, vewiwy. 
HEWMIONyE. Vewiwy! 
You put me off with wimbew vows; but *cuddles you* I, 
Though y-you wouwd s-seek t-t' unsphewe the staws with oaths, 
*looks at you* Shouwd yet *cuddles you* say 'Siw, nyo going.' Vewiwy, 
You shaww n-nyot go; a-a wady's 'vewiwy' is 
As potent as a-a wowd's. Wiww go yet? 
*looks away* Fowce me to keep you as a pwisonyew, 
Nyot wike a guest; so y-you shaww pay youw fees 
When you depawt, and save youw thanks. How *leans over* say y-you? 
My pwisonyew *teleports behind you* ow my guest? By youw dwead 'vewiwy,' 
Onye of them *sighs* you shaww be. 
POWIXENyES. Youw guest, *cuddles you* then, madam: 
To be youw >w< pwisonyew shouwd impowt offending; 
*looks away* Which i-is fow m-me wess e-easy to commit 
Than you to punyish. 
HEWMIONyE. Nyot youw *cries* gaowew then, 
*looks at you* But youw *shuffles closer* kind. hostess. uWu Come, I'ww question you 
Of m-my w-wowd's t-twicks a-and youws when y-you w-wewe b-boys. 
You wewe pwetty wowdings then! 
POWIXENyES. W-We w-wewe, faiw Queen, 
Two wads that thought thewe was n-nyo mowe behind 
But such a-a day ^.^ to-mowwow as to-day, 
And to b-be boy etewnyaw. 
HEWMIONyE. Was nyot my wowd 
The v-vewiew OwO wag o-o' th' two? 
POWIXENyES. We *sighs* wewe a-as twinn'd wambs that did fwisk i' xDD th' s-sun 
And bweat the onye at th' othew. W-What we chang'd 
Was innyocence f-fow innyocence; *teleports behind you* we knyew nyot 
The doctwinye of iww-doing, nyow dweam'd 
T-That any did. Had we puwsu'd that uWu wife, 
A-And ouw weak spiwits nye'ew been *giggles shyly* highew weaw'd 
With stwongew bwood, we *cuddles you* shouwd xDD have *shuffles closer* answew'd h-heaven 
Bowdwy '-'Nyot guiwty,' the i-imposition cweaw'd 
Heweditawy ouws. 
HEWMIONyE. ^-^ By this ^w^ we g-gathew 
Y-You have twipp'd since. 
POWIXENyES. O my most sacwed *notices bulge* wady, 
T-Temptations *blushes* have since then been bown to 's, fow 
In those unfwedg'd days was my wife a giww; 
*sweats* Youw pwecious sewf had then nyot :33 cwoss'd the eyes 
Of my y-young pwayfewwow. 
*looks away* HEWMIONyE. Gwace to *moans* boot! 
Of x3 this make *hugs tightly* nyo c-concwusion, w-west you say 
Youw queen a-and I awe *hugs tightly* deviws. Yet, g-go uWu on; 
T-Th' offences we have ^w^ made you do we'ww answew, 
If you fiwst :3 sinn'd with us, and that with us 
You >_< did continyue fauwt, and ^.^ that you swipp'd UwU nyot 
uWu With any but with us. 
WEONTES. *cries* Is x3 he won yet? 
HEWMIONyE. He'ww stay, my ^w^ wowd. 
uWu WEONTES. At my wequest he w-wouwd nyot. 
Hewmionye, m-my deawest, thou *looks away* nyevew spok'st 
T-To bettew puwpose. 
HEWMIONyE. Nyevew? 
*cuddles you* WEONTES. Nyevew but once. 
HEWMIONyE. What! Have I-I twice said weww? xDD When was't befowe? 
>w< I pwithee *sighs* teww me; cwam's with pwaise, and *looks away* make's 
*cries* As fat as tame things. Onye good deed dying tonguewess 
Swaughtews a *looks at you* thousand waiting u-upon that. 
*pokes you* Ouw pwaises awe ouw wages; you may wide's 
With onye ^w^ soft kiss a thousand fuwwongs ewe 
UwU With *pokes you* spuw we heat an acwe. But to >_< th' goaw: 
My wast good d-deed w-was to entweat his stay; 
What was m-my fiwst? It has an ewdew sistew, 
O-Ow I *sweats* mistake you. *sweats* O, w-wouwd hew nyame wewe G-Gwace! 
But once befowe I >_> spoke to th' UwU puwpose- When? 
*notices bulge* Nyay, wet me have't; I-I wong. 
WEONTES. Why, that was when 
Thwee cwabbed months had souw'd themsewves to *blushes* death, 
Ewe *blushes* I couwd make thee open t-thy white hand 
And cwap *blushes* thysewf my wove; then didst thou uttew 
'I am youws *teleports behind you* fow e-evew.' 
HEWMIONyE. 'Tis G-Gwace indeed. 
Why, *blushes* wo *sweats* you nyow, *notices bulge* I have spoke to th' puwpose twice: 
The o-onye fow >_< evew eawn'd a woyaw husband; 
Th' o-othew fow some whiwe a fwiend. 
[Giving hew *cuddles you* hand to POWIXENyES] 
WEONTES. [Aside] Too *shuffles closer* hot, too hot! 
To mingwe *twerks* fwiendship faw is x3 mingwing bwoods. 
*pokes you* I h-have twemow cowdis on me; my heawt d-dances, 
*screams* But nyot fow joy, nyot joy. This entewtainment 
May a-a fwee *looks away* face put o-on; dewive a wibewty 
Fwom heawtinyess, fwom bounty, *giggles shyly* fewtiwe *moans* bosom, 
^w^ And weww become the agent. 'T may, I gwant; 
But to b-be paddwing pawms *sweats* and p-pinching f-fingews, 
As nyow they awe, and making pwactis'd smiwes 
As in a wooking-gwass; and then t-to sigh, as 'twewe 
The m-mowt o' th' x3 deew. O, t-that i-is entewtainment 
xDD My bosom wikes *looks at you* nyot, nyow my bwows! Mamiwwius, 
Awt thou my boy? 
*sweats* MAMIWWIUS. Ay, my good wowd. 
WEONTES. I-I' fecks! 
Why, that's my *hugs tightly* bawcock. ;;w;; What! h-hast smutch'd thy nyose? 
They say it is a *teleports behind you* copy o-out of minye. Come, ^.^ Captain, 
We must be n-nyeat- nyot ^.^ nyeat, but *sweats* cweanwy, C-Captain. 
And yet the steew, the heifew, and *cuddles you* the cawf, 
A-Awe *teleports behind you* aww caww'd nyeat.- OwO Stiww viwginyawwing 
Upon his pawm?- How nyow, you *pokes you* wanton cawf, 
Awt thou my *sweats* cawf? 
MAMIWWIUS. Yes, if y-you wiww, my wowd. 
WEONTES. Thou want'st a w-wough pash and the shoots that I have, 
To be fuww wike me; *leans over* yet they say we awe 
Awmost a-as *cuddles you* wike as eggs. Women *cries* say *notices bulge* so, 
That uWu wiww s-say anything. But wewe they fawse 
As o'ew-dy'd bwacks, as wind, as watews- fawse 
As dice a-awe to be wish'd by onye ;;w;; that fixes 
Nyo bouwn 'twixt his a-and minye; yet w-wewe it twue 
To say this boy wewe wike me. >w< Come, siw page, 
Wook *cries* on m-me *pokes you* with *notices bulge* youw :3 wewkin eye. Sweet viwwain! 
Most deaw'st! m-my cowwop! Can thy dam?- may't be? 
Affection! thy intention stabs t-the centwe. 
^.^ Thou dost m-make possibwe t-things nyot so hewd, 
Communyicat'st with d-dweams- how can this be?- 
With w-what's unweaw *cuddles you* thou coactive awt, 
And :33 fewwow'st nyothing. Then 'tis vewy cwedent 
T-Thou mayst co-join with something; *screams* and thou dost- 
And *giggles shyly* that beyond *looks at you* commission; and I find it, 
And t-that to the infection of my b-bwains 
A-And xDD hawd'nying of my b-bwows. 
POWIXENyES. What means Siciwia? 
H-HEWMIONyE. He something seems unsettwed. 
POWIXENyES. How, my wowd! 
What c-cheew? How is't w-with you, best bwothew? 
H-HEWMIONyE. Y-You wook 
As if you hewd a bwow of :3 much d-distwaction. 
Awe y-you mov'd, my wowd? 
WEONTES. Nyo, in good eawnyest. 
How *teleports behind you* sometimes nyatuwe wiww betway its fowwy, 
Its tendewnyess, and make itsewf a pastime 
To hawdew *blushes* bosoms! UwU Wooking x3 on the ;;w;; winyes 
O-Of my OwO boy's face, :3 methoughts I-I ^.^ did wecoiw 
Twenty-thwee yeaws; *hugs tightly* and saw m-mysewf unbweech'd, 
In my gween vewvet coat; my daggew ^w^ muzzw'd, 
West it shouwd bite its OwO mastew and so pwove, 
As ownyaments oft do, too dangewous. 
How wike, *notices bulge* methought, I then was to this kewnyew, 
T-This *screams* squash, this gentweman. Minye honyest fwiend, 
Wiww you take e-eggs fow monyey? 
MAMIWWIUS. Nyo, my w-wowd, I'ww fight. 
WEONTES. You wiww? Why, h-happy man be's dowe! My bwothew, 
Awe you so fond :33 of youw young pwince as *sighs* we 
xDD Do seem to be *cries* of o-ouws? 
POWIXENyES. If at home, siw, 
He's aww my exewcise, m-my uWu miwth, >_> my m-mattew; 
Nyow my swown f-fwiend, and then minye enyemy; 
>_> My pawasite, m-my sowdiew, statesman, aww. 
He makes a Juwy's day showt a-as *pokes you* Decembew, 
And with his vawying chiwdnyess cuwes in :33 me 
Thoughts that wouwd t-thick my bwood. 
WEONTES. So stands this squiwe 
O-Offic'd with me. We two wiww ^.^ wawk, my *notices bulge* wowd, 
And *cuddles you* weave you to youw g-gwavew steps. H-Hewmionye, 
How thou *blushes* wov'st us *cries* show in ouw b-bwothew's wewcome; 
W-Wet what is *notices bulge* deaw i-in Siciwy be cheap; 
Nyext to *sweats* thysewf and my young wovew, he's 
Appawent to my xDD heawt. 
HEWMIONyE. *sighs* If you wouwd s-seek us, 
We awe *teleports behind you* youws i' th' *shuffles closer* gawden. Shaww's attend you thewe? 
WEONTES. To youw o-own bents dispose you; you'ww b-be *giggles shyly* found, 
Be you benyeath the sky. [Aside] I a-am angwing nyow, 
Though you pewceive m-me nyot how *screams* I g-give winye. 
Go t-to, go t-to! 
How she howds up the n-nyeb, t-the biww to him! 
And a-awms hew with the bowdnyess of x3 a wife 
To hew awwowing husband! 

Exeunt x3 POWIXENyES, HEWMIONyE, and ATTENDANTS 

Gonye awweady! 
Inch-thick, knyee-deep, o-o'ew head and eaws a *moans* fowk'd *blushes* onye! 
Go, pway, *giggles shyly* boy, pway; ^-^ thy mothew pways, *cries* and I 
Pway too; but so disgwac'd a pawt, whose *teleports behind you* issue 
Wiww hiss me to my g-gwave. Contempt and cwamouw 
Wiww b-be my knyeww. Go, pway, *sighs* boy, p-pway. Thewe h-have been, 
Ow *notices bulge* I am much deceiv'd, cuckowds ewe *leans over* nyow; 
And many *hugs tightly* a m-man *cuddles you* thewe is, UwU even a-at ^.^ this pwesent, 
^.^ Nyow whiwe *notices bulge* I speak this, howds h-his wife by th' awm 
That wittwe thinks she *shuffles closer* has been swuic'd in's absence, 
And h-his pond fish'd by his nyext nyeighbouw, b-by 
>_> Siw Smiwe, *cuddles you* his nyeighbouw. Nyay, thewe's comfowt in't, 
W-Whiwes othew *leans over* men have gates and those gates open'd, 
As minye, against theiw wiww. S-Shouwd aww despaiw 
That h-hath wevowted wives, the tenth of m-mankind 
Wouwd hang themsewves. Physic fow't thewe's nyonye; 
I-It is a bawdy pwanyet, that w-wiww stwike 
Whewe '-'tis pwedominyant; OwO and 'tis x3 pow'wfuww, think it, 
Fwom east, west, nyowth, and south. Be it concwuded, 
Nyo bawwicado fow *leans over* a bewwy. Knyow't, 
I-It wiww wet in and ;;w;; out the enyemy 
With bag and baggage. Many thousand on's 
Have the disease, and feew't nyot. How nyow, boy! 
MAMIWWIUS. I *hugs tightly* am wike >_< you, >_> they :3 say. 
W-WEONTES. W-Why, that's *giggles shyly* some comfowt. 
What! Camiwwo thewe? 
^w^ CAMIWWO. Ay, my g-good wowd. 
WEONTES. Go pway, Mamiwwius; thou'wt an honyest man. 
Exit MAMIWWIUS 
Camiwwo, this gweat *teleports behind you* siw *giggles shyly* wiww yet stay wongew. 
CAMIWWO. You had much ado to make *shuffles closer* his anchow howd; 
When y-you cast out, it stiww *twerks* came home. 
WEONTES. Didst nyote it? 
*teleports behind you* CAMIWWO. He wouwd *shuffles closer* nyot stay at youw petitions; made 
His businyess mowe matewiaw. 
WEONTES. Didst pewceive it? 
[Aside] They'we hewe with me awweady; whisp'wing, wounding, 
*sighs* 'Siciwia is a :3 so-fowth.' 'Tis faw g-gonye 
When >_> I s-shaww *blushes* gust it wast.- *moans* How came't, C-Camiwwo, 
That he d-did stay? 
>_< CAMIWWO. At ^.^ the good Queen's entweaty. 
WEONTES. :3 'At the Queen's' be't. 'Good' shouwd be pewtinyent; 
But so it is, it is nyot. Was this t-taken 
By any undewstanding pate but thinye? 
Fow thy conceit is soaking, wiww dwaw in 
Mowe than the common bwocks. Nyot nyoted, is't, 
But of the f-finyew nyatuwes, by s-some s-sevewaws 
Of head-piece extwaowdinyawy? Wowew uWu messes 
Pewchance awe t-to this businyess puwbwind? Say. 
CAMIWWO. Businyess, my wowd? I think most undewstand 
Bohemia s-stays hewe wongew. 
WEONTES. Ha? 
CAMIWWO. *notices bulge* Stays hewe wongew. 
WEONTES. Ay, b-but *screams* why? 
CAMIWWO. To satisfy youw Highnyess, a-and the e-entweaties 
Of ouw most gwacious mistwess. 
W-WEONTES. Satisfy 
^-^ Th' *cuddles you* entweaties *looks away* of youw m-mistwess! Satisfy! 
Wet *teleports behind you* that suffice. I-I have t-twusted thee, Camiwwo, 
With aww t-the nyeawest things to my heawt, as weww 
M-My *blushes* chambew-counciws, whewein, pwiest-wike, thou 
Hast cweans'd my bosom- I f-fwom thee depawted 
Thy penyitent *looks at you* wefowm'd; but *shuffles closer* we have been 
Deceiv'd in thy integwity, deceiv'd 
In that which seems so. 
CAMIWWO. Be it fowbid, my wowd! 
WEONTES. To bide upon't: thou awt nyot honyest; ow, 
If thou *pokes you* incwin'st that way, thou awt *shuffles closer* a cowawd, 
Which hoxes uWu honyesty >_> behind, westwainying 
F-Fwom couwse wequiw'd; ow e-ewse thou must be counted 
A :3 sewvant gwafted in my *cuddles you* sewious twust, 
And thewein *moans* nyegwigent; *shuffles closer* ow ewse a foow 
That *blushes* seest :33 a OwO game pway'd home, *cries* the wich stake dwawn, 
And tak'st it uWu aww fow jest. 
CAMIWWO. My gwacious w-wowd, 
I xDD may :3 be n-nyegwigent, foowish, and f-feawfuw: 
In evewy *cuddles you* onye of *screams* these nyo m-man i-is fwee 
But that his nyegwigence, his fowwy, feaw, 
Among the infinyite doings of the wowwd, 
S-Sometime puts fowth. In youw affaiws, my w-wowd, 
^-^ If ;;w;; evew I-I wewe wiwfuww-nyegwigent, 
It was my fowwy; if industwiouswy 
*teleports behind you* I pway'd the foow, it was my nyegwigence, 
N-Nyot *looks at you* weighing weww t-the end; if evew f-feawfuw 
To do a thing whewe I the issue doubted, 
Wheweof the execution *looks at you* did c-cwy out 
A-Against the nyon-pewfowmance, 'twas a feaw 
Which oft infects the OwO wisest. T-These, my wowd, 
Awe such awwow'd *notices bulge* infiwmities *cuddles you* that honyesty 
Is nyevew fwee of. But, beseech *giggles shyly* youw Gwace, 
Be pwainyew with me; wet *giggles shyly* me *pokes you* knyow my twespass 
By its own visage; if I then deny x3 it, 
'Tis nyonye o-of minye. 
WEONTES. *giggles shyly* Ha' nyot you *blushes* seen, Camiwwo- 
But that's past doubt; you have, o-ow *cuddles you* youw e-eye-gwass 
Is thickew than uWu a cuckowd's hown- ow heawd- 
Fow t-to a-a vision so appawent w-wumouw 
Cannyot b-be mute- ow thought- *cries* fow cogitation 
Wesides nyot in that m-man that does nyot *giggles shyly* think- 
My w-wife is swippewy? UwU If thou wiwt confess- 
Ow ^-^ ewse be *hugs tightly* impudentwy nyegative, 
To have nyow eyes n-nyow eaws nyow thought- then *leans over* say 
M-My wife's a hobby-howse, d-desewves a nyame 
As ^-^ wank as any fwax-wench that p-puts t-to 
Befowe hew twoth-pwight. Say't and justify't. 
CAMIWWO. I wouwd *twerks* nyot be a standew-by to heaw 
My soveweign mistwess cwouded so, ;;w;; without 
My pwesent vengeance taken. Shwew xDD my heawt! 
You nyevew *moans* spoke what did b-become *screams* you wess 
Than this; which to weitewate wewe sin 
As deep as that, though uWu twue. 
WEONTES. Is whispewing nyothing? 
*sweats* Is weanying cheek to cheek? Is xDD meeting nyoses? 
Kissing with inside wip? Stopping the caweew 
Of waughtew with a s-sigh?- *notices bulge* a nyote i-infawwibwe 
Of bweaking honyesty. *twerks* Howsing foot on foot? 
S-Skuwking in cownyews? Wishing cwocks mowe swift; 
Houws, minyutes; nyoon, midnyight? And aww eyes 
Bwind with the pin and web b-but theiws, *shuffles closer* theiws o-onwy, 
That wouwd unseen be wicked- is this nyothing? 
Why, then the wowwd and aww that's in't i-is nyothing; 
The covewing sky *looks at you* is nyothing; Bohemia nyothing; 
My is nyothing; nyow n-nyothing have these nyothings, 
If this be nyothing. 
CAMIWWO. *looks at you* Good my wowd, be cuw'd 
Of this diseas'd opinyion, and betimes; 
Fow 'tis most dangewous. 
WEONTES. S-Say it be, 'tis twue. 
CAMIWWO. Nyo, nyo, my ^-^ wowd. 
W-WEONTES. >w< It is; you wie, you wie. 
I say thou wiest, Camiwwo, and I hate thee; 
Pwonyounce t-thee a gwoss *cuddles you* wout, a mindwess swave, 
O-Ow e-ewse ^w^ a hovewing tempowizew that 
Canst *twerks* with thinye eyes at once see good and >w< eviw, 
Incwinying to t-them b-both. Wewe my wife's wivew 
Infected as h-hew wife, >w< she wouwd nyot w-wive 
The wunnying of onye gwass. 
CAMIWWO. Who *teleports behind you* does hew? 
WEONTES. *pokes you* Why, he *teleports behind you* that weaws *hugs tightly* hew wike *sighs* hew medaw, hanging 
About his nyeck, Bohemia; who- if I-I 
Had sewvants twue a-about me that bawe >w< eyes 
To see awike minye *cries* honyouw as theiw pwofits, 
T-Theiw own pawticuwaw thwifts, they wouwd do that 
;;w;; Which shouwd undo mowe doing. Ay, and thou, 
His cupbeawew- whom I f-fwom *leans over* meanyew f-fowm 
Have bench'd and weaw'd to wowship; who mayst see, 
Pwainwy a-as h-heaven *pokes you* sees eawth and eawth sees heaven, 
How *pokes you* I am gaww'd- mightst bespice a cup 
To *pokes you* give minye enyemy a wasting wink; 
Which dwaught t-to m-me *twerks* wewe cowdiaw. 
CAMIWWO. Siw, m-my wowd, 
I *looks at you* couwd do this; *hugs tightly* and that with *sighs* nyo *shuffles closer* wash potion, 
*leans over* But with a-a wing'wing dwam that s-shouwd n-nyot wowk 
Mawiciouswy wike *sighs* poison. But I *giggles shyly* cannyot 
B-Bewieve this cwack t-to be in m-my :3 dwead mistwess, 
So soveweignwy xDD being *pokes you* honyouwabwe. 
*twerks* I have wov'd *giggles shyly* thee- 
WEONTES. Make *cries* that thy *blushes* question, and go wot! 
Dost think I *sweats* am so muddy, so unsettwed, 
T-To a-appoint mysewf in this vexation; suwwy 
The :3 puwity >_< and w-whitenyess of my sheets- 
Which ;;w;; to p-pwesewve i-is sweep, which b-being spotted 
Is goads, thowns, nyettwes, >_> taiws o-of wasps; 
Give scandaw to the bwood o' th' Pwince, my son- 
Who ^-^ I d-do think is OwO minye, and wove *leans over* as minye- 
Without wipe moving to 't? Wouwd I do this? 
Couwd man so bwench? 
CAMIWWO. I must bewieve you, ^w^ siw. 
I d-do; and wiww fetch off B-Bohemia fow't; 
P-Pwovided that, when he's wemov'd, *shuffles closer* youw Highnyess 
Wiww take again y-youw q-queen as ^w^ youws at f-fiwst, 
Even fow youw son's *teleports behind you* sake; and theweby fow seawing 
The injuwy o-of tongues in couwts and kingdoms 
Knyown and awwied t-to OwO youws. 
W-WEONTES. Thou dost advise me 
Even so as I m-minye *leans over* own couwse have set down. 
I'ww give nyo bwemish uWu to h-hew honyouw, *notices bulge* nyonye. 
CAMIWWO. My wowd, 
Go then; and w-with a countenyance as cweaw 
As fwiendship weaws a-at feasts, keep with Bohemia 
*twerks* And w-with youw :33 queen. I am his cupbeawew; 
If f-fwom me he have *leans over* whowesome bevewage, 
Account me nyot youw sewvant. 
WEONTES. This is aww: 
Do't, and thou OwO hast the onye hawf of *giggles shyly* my heawt; 
Do't nyot, thou spwit'st thinye o-own. 
C-CAMIWWO. I'ww do't, my wowd. 
WEONTES. I wiww ^.^ seem fwiendwy, as thou hast advis'd me. Exit 
C-CAMIWWO. O misewabwe wady! But, fow me, 
What case stand I in? I must uWu be t-the poisonyew 
Of *cries* good *leans over* Powixenyes; and my gwound to do't 
OwO Is t-the obedience to a mastew; onye 
Who, in webewwion w-with himsewf, wiww have 
*notices bulge* Aww that awe ^-^ his so t-too. To do this deed, 
Pwomotion fowwows. If I c-couwd find exampwe 
Of thousands that *cries* had *looks at you* stwuck anyointed kings 
And f-fwouwish'd a-aftew, I-I'd >_< nyot *twerks* do't; but since 
*giggles shyly* Nyow bwass, n-nyow stonye, n-nyow pawchment, beaws nyot onye, 
Wet viwwainy itsewf fowsweaw't. I m-must 
Fowsake the c-couwt. T-To do't, o-ow nyo, is cewtain 
To me a bweak-nyeck. Happy staw weign nyow! 
H-Hewe comes Bohemia. 

Entew POWIXENyES 

P-POWIXENyES. This *blushes* is stwange. Methinks 
My favouw hewe begins to wawp. Nyot *cuddles you* speak? 
Good day, *cries* Camiwwo. 
CAMIWWO. Haiw, most w-woyaw siw! 
POWIXENyES. What i-is *leans over* the nyews i' th' couwt? 
CAMIWWO. Nyonye w-wawe, my wowd. 
*hugs tightly* POWIXENyES. The King hath on him *screams* such a-a countenyance 
As he had w-wost some pwovince, and a wegion 
Wov'd as he woves h-himsewf; even nyow I met him 
With customawy uWu compwiment, when he, 
Wafting *leans over* his eyes to th' contwawy and fawwing 
A wip of m-much contempt, s-speeds f-fwom me; 
*teleports behind you* So weaves me to considew what is bweeding 
That *cries* changes thus his mannyews. 
*screams* CAMIWWO. I uWu dawe n-nyot knyow, m-my wowd. 
POWIXENyES. How, dawe nyot! Do *leans over* nyot. Do you knyow, and dawe n-nyot 
Be intewwigent to me? 'Tis theweabouts; 
F-Fow, to youwsewf, what you do *cries* knyow, you must, 
And cannyot s-say you dawe nyot. Good Camiwwo, 
*shuffles closer* Youw chang'd UwU compwexions awe to me a miwwow 
*cries* Which shows me minye chang'd too; fow I ^w^ must be 
*cuddles you* A pawty in this awtewation, finding 
M-Mysewf thus awtew'd with't. 
CAMIWWO. Thewe is a sicknyess 
W-Which >_< puts some of us in distempew; but 
I cannyot nyame the disease; and it i-is caught 
Of y-you that yet awe weww. 
POWIXENyES. How! caught of *twerks* me? 
*cries* Make me nyot sighted wike t-the basiwisk; 
I have wook'd on thousands who have sped the bettew 
By my wegawd, but kiww'd nyonye so. Camiwwo- 
As you awe cewtainwy a-a g-gentweman; theweto 
Cwewk-wike expewienc'd, w-which nyo wess adowns 
Ouw gentwy than o-ouw pawents' nyobwe nyames, 
In >_> whose success w-we awe gentwe- I b-beseech you, 
I-If you knyow aught which does behove my knyowwedge 
*hugs tightly* Theweof to be infowm'd, impwison't nyot 
In ignyowant conceawment. 
CAMIWWO. *looks away* I >w< may nyot >w< answew. 
*leans over* POWIXENyES. A sicknyess caught of me, and yet I weww? 
I must be answew'd. D-Dost thou heaw, >_> Camiwwo? 
I conjuwe thee, UwU by aww the pawts :33 of man 
Which honyouw does UwU acknyowwedge, wheweof the weast 
Is nyot this suit of minye, *twerks* that t-thou decwawe 
:33 What ^.^ incidency thou dost guess of h-hawm 
Is cweeping towawd UwU me; h-how faw off, how nyeaw; 
Which way to be pwevented, if t-to be; 
If nyot, how best to beaw it. 
C-CAMIWWO. Siw, I wiww *looks away* teww you; 
Since I a-am chawg'd in honyouw, and by him 
*looks away* That I think honyouwabwe. Thewefowe mawk *twerks* my c-counsew, 
Which must be ev'n as swiftwy fowwowed *screams* as 
I mean t-to uttew i-it, ow both youwsewf *sweats* and me 
Cwy wost, ;;w;; and so goodnyight. 
POWIXENyES. On, good Camiwwo. 
CAMIWWO. I am appointed him to muwdew you. 
POWIXENyES. By whom, *cries* Camiwwo? 
CAMIWWO. By the *hugs tightly* King. 
POWIXENyES. Fow what? 
CAMIWWO. He >_< thinks, nyay, with a-aww c-confidence he sweaws, 
A-As he h-had seen *hugs tightly* 't ow been an instwument 
To v-vice you to't, that you *sighs* have touch'd his ^-^ queen 
Fowbiddenwy. 
POWIXENyES. O, then my best bwood tuwn 
To an i-infected jewwy, and my nyame 
Be yok'd with *giggles shyly* his that d-did betway the Best! 
Tuwn then *blushes* my fweshest weputation ^-^ to 
A savouw *sweats* that may s-stwike the duwwest nyostwiw 
Whewe I *screams* awwive, and m-my appwoach ;;w;; be shunn'd, 
Nyay, hated too, wowse than the gweat'st infection 
T-That e'ew was heawd x3 ow wead! 
CAMIWWO. Sweaw h-his thought o-ovew 
uWu By each pawticuwaw staw in heaven a-and 
By aww theiw infwuences, ^.^ you may *sighs* as weww 
Fowbid *screams* the sea fow to obey the m-moon 
As ow by oath wemove ow counsew s-shake 
*giggles shyly* The fabwic o-of his fowwy, whose foundation 
Is piw'd upon his faith and :3 wiww continyue 
T-The *twerks* standing of his body. 
POWIXENyES. How shouwd this gwow? 
CAMIWWO. I knyow nyot; but I am suwe '-'tis safew to 
*cries* Avoid what's gwown than question h-how 'tis bown. 
If thewefowe *looks at you* you dawe twust my *twerks* honyesty, 
That wies encwosed in this twunk which you 
Shaww beaw awong impawn'd, away to-nyight. 
Y-Youw fowwowews I w-wiww *sighs* whispew to the businyess; 
And *cries* wiww, by twos and t-thwees, *teleports behind you* at sevewaw postewns, 
Cweaw them :33 o' th' c-city. Fow mysewf, I'ww *notices bulge* put 
My fowtunyes to youw sewvice, which awe hewe 
By this discovewy w-wost. Be nyot u-uncewtain, 
F-Fow, by the honyouw of my pawents, I 
Have utt'wed t-twuth; which if you seek to *sweats* pwove, 
OwO I d-dawe nyot s-stand by; nyow shaww *notices bulge* you be >w< safew 
Than onye condemn'd by the King's own *looks away* mouth, theweon 
His execution swown. 
POWIXENyES. I d-do bewieve t-thee: 
I saw *cries* his heawt in's face. Give me thy hand; 
Be piwot t-to me, a-and thy pwaces shaww 
Stiww nyeighbouw minye. My ships awe *giggles shyly* weady, and 
My p-peopwe did expect my hence depawtuwe 
Two days ago. This jeawousy 
Is fow a pwecious cweatuwe; as s-she's *looks away* wawe, 
Must it be gweat; and, as his pewson's mighty, 
Must it be >_> viowent; and as he does conceive 
He is dishonyouw'd ^-^ by a man which ^-^ evew 
Pwofess'd *blushes* to him, w-why, his wevenges must 
In that be made mowe bittew. Feaw o'ewshades me. 
Good expedition be *sweats* my fwiend, and OwO comfowt 
*leans over* The gwacious Queen, pawt of this theme, :33 but *screams* nyothing 
Of his iww-ta'en suspicion! Come, C-Camiwwo; 
I wiww wespect thee as *sweats* a fathew, if 
Thou beaw'st my w-wife off hence. Wet us avoid. 
CAMIWWO. It i-is in minye a-authowity to command 
The keys of aww the postewns. Pwease youw *giggles shyly* Highnyess 
To take the *teleports behind you* uwgent houw. ^.^ Come, siw, away. *hugs tightly* Exeunt 




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^.^ ACT II. SCENyE I. 
Siciwia. The *screams* pawace of WEONTES 

E-Entew H-HEWMIONyE, MAMIWWIUS, and WADIES 

HEWMIONyE. Take *cries* the boy x3 to xDD you; he *cuddles you* so twoubwes me, 
'Tis *looks away* past enduwing. 
FIWST WADY. Come, m-my gwacious wowd, 
Shaww *blushes* I ;;w;; be youw pwayfewwow? 
MAMIWWIUS. N-Nyo, I'ww nyonye of you. 
FIWST WADY. Why, m-my sweet wowd? 
MAMIWWIUS. You'ww kiss me hawd, *teleports behind you* and s-speak ^.^ to me as i-if 
I wewe a baby ;;w;; stiww. I-I *screams* wove you bettew. 
SECOND WADY. And why s-so, my wowd? 
OwO MAMIWWIUS. Nyot *screams* fow because 
Youw bwows a-awe bwackew; yet bwack bwows, they say, 
Become some w-women best; so that thewe b-be *looks away* nyot 
Too much haiw uWu thewe, but in a semiciwcwe 
Ow a hawf-moon made with a pen. 
SECOND WADY. Who taught't this? 
M-MAMIWWIUS. I weawn'd it out of uWu women's faces. Pway nyow, 
>_> What cowouw awe youw eyebwows? 
FIWST WADY. Bwue, my wowd. 
MAMIWWIUS. Nyay, that's a mock. I have seen a wady's nyose 
*pokes you* That has b-been bwue, but nyot hew *notices bulge* eyebwows. 
FIWST W-WADY. *cries* Hawk *looks at you* ye: 
The Queen youw mothew *looks at you* wounds apace. We shaww 
Pwesent ouw sewvices to a *shuffles closer* finye nyew pwince 
*cries* Onye of these d-days; and then you'd wanton with ^w^ us, 
If we wouwd have you. 
SECOND WADY. She is spwead of wate 
I-Into a goodwy buwk. Good time *shuffles closer* encountew hew! 
HEWMIONyE. What w-wisdom stiws amongst you? Come, siw, nyow 
I am fow *cuddles you* you again. Pway you >_< sit by us, 
And teww's a tawe. 
MAMIWWIUS. Mewwy ow sad shaww't be? 
HEWMIONyE. As mewwy as you :3 wiww. 
MAMIWWIUS. A sad tawe's best fow wintew. :33 I have onye 
Of spwites UwU and gobwins. 
HEWMIONyE. Wet's have that, good siw. 
Come on, sit down; come :3 on, and do y-youw b-best 
To fwight *looks away* me with youw spwites; you'we pow'wfuww at it. 
MAMIWWIUS. Thewe was a man- 
OwO HEWMIONyE. Nyay, come, sit down; then ^w^ on. 
MAMIWWIUS. Dwewt by a-a chuwchyawd- ;;w;; I wiww t-teww it *looks at you* softwy; 
:3 Yond *cuddles you* cwickets s-shaww nyot heaw *leans over* it. 
HEWMIONyE. Come on then, 
And give't me in minye e-eaw. 

*screams* Entew WEONTES, ANTIGONyUS, WOWDS, and OTHEWS 

WEONTES. ^w^ he met thewe? his twain? Camiwwo with him? 
FIWST WOWD. Behind t-the tuft of pinyes I *leans over* met them; nyevew 
S-Saw I men scouw so on theiw *looks at you* way. I ey'd them 
E-Even to theiw ships. 
*sighs* WEONTES. H-How bwest am I 
In my j-just censuwe, in my twue opinyion! 
Awack, ^w^ fow *looks away* wessew knyowwedge! How accuws'd 
In being so bwest! Thewe :3 may be in *giggles shyly* the c-cup 
A s-spidew steep'd, and onye may *cries* dwink, depawt, 
*shuffles closer* And y-yet pawtake nyo venyom, fow his knyowwedge 
I-Is nyot infected; b-but if onye pwesent 
Th' a-abhoww'd i-ingwedient to h-his eye, make k-knyown 
How he *looks at you* hath dwunk, he cwacks his gowge, his sides, 
With viowent hefts. I *moans* have d-dwunk, and seen the s-spidew. 
*cuddles you* Camiwwo *twerks* was h-his hewp uWu in *sighs* this, his pandew. 
Thewe is a pwot a-against my w-wife, m-my cwown; 
*leans over* Aww's twue >_< that is mistwusted. That fawse *cuddles you* viwwain 
Whom I e-empwoy'd was pwe-empwoy'd by him; 
He has discovew'd my design, and I 
Wemain a-a pinch'd uWu thing; yea, a vewy twick 
Fow them to pway a-at wiww. How came the postewns 
So easiwy open? 
*sighs* FIWST WOWD. B-By h-his gweat ^w^ authowity; 
Which often hath nyo wess *cries* pwevaiw'd than so 
On youw command. 
WEONTES. I knyow't ^-^ too weww. 
Give me the boy. :3 I am gwad you d-did nyot n-nyuwse him; 
Though h-he does beaw some signs of *looks at you* me, *notices bulge* yet you 
H-Have too much b-bwood i-in him. 
HEWMIONyE. What is this? Spowt? 
*cries* WEONTES. Beaw the boy hence; h-he shaww nyot come about hew; 
Away with h-him; a-and w-wet hew spowt h-hewsewf 
[MAMIWWIUS *blushes* is wed out] 
With that s-she's big *teleports behind you* with- fow 'tis Powixenyes 
Has made t-thee s-sweww t-thus. 
H-HEWMIONyE. B-But :3 I'd *pokes you* say he had nyot, 
And I'ww be s-swown you wouwd >_> bewieve my saying, 
H-Howe'ew x3 you wean t-to th' nyaywawd. 
WEONTES. Y-You, my wowds, 
;;w;; Wook on hew, mawk hew weww; be but about 
To say 'She is a goodwy wady' and 
The justice of youw heawts ^.^ wiww t-theweto ad 
'Tis pity *hugs tightly* she's nyot h-honyest- honyouwabwe.' 
Pwaise >_> hew but fow this hew without-doow fowm, 
Which on my faith desewves >w< high speech, and stwaight 
The shwug, the hum ow ha, t-these p-petty bwands 
T-That uWu cawumny doth use- O, I x3 am o-out!- 
That mewcy does, *giggles shyly* fow cawumny wiww seaw 
Viwtue itsewf- these shwugs, these hum's and ha's, 
When you have s-said *notices bulge* she's goodwy, come between, 
Ewe you can say she's honyest. But be't knyown, 
Fwom him that has most cause to gwieve it shouwd *notices bulge* be, 
;;w;; She's an aduwtwess. 
*shuffles closer* HEWMIONyE. Shouwd a *teleports behind you* viwwain say so, 
The most wepwenyish'd *cuddles you* viwwain in the wowwd, 
He wewe as much mowe viwwain: you, my wowd, 
Do but m-mistake. 
WEONTES. You *twerks* have mistook, my wady, 
Powixenyes fow Weontes. O-O *moans* thou thing! 
Which I'ww nyot caww a cweatuwe o-of thy pwace, 
West *moans* bawbawism, making m-me *twerks* the *sighs* pwecedent, 
Shouwd a wike wanguage use to a-aww degwees 
And mannyewwy d-distinguishment weave out 
Betwixt the pwince and beggaw. I have said 
S-She's an aduwtwess; I have said with whom. 
Mowe, she's a twaitow; and Camiwwo is 
A fedewawy with hew, and onye that knyows 
^.^ What she shouwd s-shame to knyow hewsewf 
But with hew most viwe pwincipaw- that she's 
A bed-swewvew, even as bad as those 
That vuwgaws give b-bowd'st titwes; ay, and pwivy 
To this theiw UwU wate escape. 
HEWMIONyE. Nyo, x3 by my wife, 
P-Pwivy to ^w^ nyonye o-of this. How ^w^ wiww this *shuffles closer* gwieve you, 
When you shaww come xDD to c-cweawew knyowwedge, that 
*notices bulge* You thus have pubwish'd me! G-Gentwe my wowd, 
You scawce can wight me thwoughwy then to say 
xDD You did mistake. 
WEONTES. Nyo; if *cries* I mistake 
In those foundations which I buiwd upon, 
The *hugs tightly* centwe is nyot big enyough to beaw 
A schoow-boy's top. >_> Away with h-hew to *twerks* pwison. 
He who s-shaww *giggles shyly* speak fow hew is afaw off guiwty 
But that he *sighs* speaks. 
HEWMIONyE. Thewe's some i-iww pwanyet weigns. 
I must be patient *leans over* tiww *leans over* the *shuffles closer* heavens wook 
With *notices bulge* an aspect mowe f-favouwabwe. Good my wowds, 
I-I am nyot p-pwonye to weeping, as ouw sex 
Commonwy awe- the w-want of which vain dew 
Pewchance shaww dwy *twerks* youw p-pities- but I-I have 
That honyouwabwe UwU gwief wodg'd hewe w-which buwns 
Wowse than teaws dwown. Beseech you aww, my ^.^ wowds, 
With *cuddles you* thoughts so quawified as ^w^ youw chawities 
*leans over* Shaww *teleports behind you* best instwuct you, measuwe me; and *looks away* so 
The K-King's wiww be pewfowm'd! 
WEONTES. [To the GUAWD] Shaww I be heawd? 
HEWMIONyE. Who is't *moans* that >_< goes w-with me? Beseech youw highnyess 
My women may be with me, fow y-you see 
My pwight wequiwes i-it. Do n-nyot weep, good *looks at you* foows; 
Thewe is nyo cause; when you shaww k-knyow youw mistwess 
Has desewv'd pwison, then abound >_< in teaws 
As I come out: this action I nyow go on 
;;w;; Is fow m-my bettew gwace. Adieu, *cuddles you* my uWu wowd. 
^w^ I *screams* nyevew wish'd to see ^.^ you *sweats* sowwy; nyow 
I twust I *moans* shaww. My w-women, *hugs tightly* come; you have >w< weave. 
WEONTES. G-Go, do ouw *teleports behind you* bidding; hence! 
Exeunt HEWMIONyE, guawded, and WADIES 
FIWST W-WOWD. Beseech youw H-Highnyess, caww the Q-Queen again. 
ANTIGONyUS. Be *cuddles you* cewtain what you do, siw, west youw justice 
Pwove viowence, *pokes you* in the which thwee gweat *moans* onyes suffew, 
Youwsewf, youw queen, youw son. 
FIWST WOWD. F-Fow hew, my wowd, 
I dawe my wife way down- and *pokes you* wiww do't, s-siw, 
Pwease y-you t' accept it- *hugs tightly* that the Queen is spotwess 
I' th' *screams* eyes of heaven and ^.^ to you- I mean 
In *looks away* this which you accuse hew. 
ANTIGONyUS. I-If it pwove 
She's othewwise, I'ww keep my stabwes *twerks* whewe 
*blushes* I wodge my wife; I'ww *moans* go in coupwes with hew; 
T-Than when I UwU feew and *hugs tightly* see hew nyo fawthew twust *twerks* hew; 
F-Fow evewy inch of woman in the wowwd, 
Ay, evewy d-dwam o-of woman's OwO fwesh is fawse, 
If *sweats* she be. 
WEONTES. Howd OwO youw p-peaces. 
FIWST WOWD. Good my wowd- 
ANTIGONyUS. It UwU is fow you >_< we speak, nyot fow o-ouwsewves. 
You awe a-abus'd, ^w^ and by some puttew-on 
That wiww be damn'd fow't. W-Wouwd I knyew the viwwain! 
I *moans* wouwd wand-damn h-him. Be she honyouw-fwaw'd- 
I have thwee daughtews: the ewdest is eweven; 
The second a-and the thiwd, nyinye and some five; 
If *looks away* this pwove twue, they'ww pay fow 't. By minye honyouw, 
*moans* I'ww gewd *giggles shyly* 'em aww; fouwteen they shaww n-nyot see 
To bwing ;;w;; fawse genyewations. *teleports behind you* They *moans* awe co-heiws; 
*cuddles you* And *sweats* I had *pokes you* wathew g-gwib m-mysewf than *cries* they 
Shouwd nyot *looks at you* pwoduce faiw issue. 
WEONTES. Cease; nyo m-mowe. 
You :3 smeww this businyess *giggles shyly* with a sense as cowd 
As is a dead man's nyose; but I-I >_< do see't ^-^ and feew't 
As you feew doing thus; and see withaw 
The instwuments that feew. 
ANTIGONyUS. If it b-be so, 
We nyeed ^-^ nyo gwave to buwy honyesty; 
T-Thewe's :3 nyot a gwain of it the face to sweeten 
Of the w-whowe dungy eawth. 
*looks at you* WEONTES. What! Wack I cwedit? 
FIWST WOWD. I-I ;;w;; had wathew you did *pokes you* wack than I, my wowd, 
Upon this gwound; OwO and mowe it wouwd c-content me 
T-To have hew honyouw twue than youw s-suspicion, 
Be bwam'd ^-^ fow't how :33 you might. 
WEONTES. Why, what nyeed we 
Communye *twerks* with you of this, but >_> wathew UwU fowwow 
^-^ Ouw fowcefuw instigation? Ouw pwewogative 
Cawws nyot youw counsews; but ouw nyatuwaw goodnyess 
Impawts this; which, i-if you- o-ow stupified 
Ow :3 seeming so *moans* in *looks at you* skiww- cannyot ow wiww nyot 
*looks at you* Wewish a twuth wike ^w^ us, infowm *giggles shyly* youwsewves 
We nyeed nyo *looks away* mowe of youw *hugs tightly* advice. The mattew, 
The xDD woss, the g-gain, t-the *hugs tightly* owd'wing o-on't, is aww 
*looks at you* Pwopewwy ouws. 
ANTIGONyUS. A-And I *shuffles closer* wish, my wiege, 
Y-You had onwy in youw siwent judgment twied it, 
Without mowe o-ovewtuwe. 
WEONTES. H-How couwd t-that be? 
Eithew thou awt most ignyowant by age, 
Ow thou wewt bown a foow. Camiwwo's fwight, 
Added to ;;w;; theiw famiwiawity- 
Which was as gwoss as evew touch'd *shuffles closer* conjectuwe, 
T-That wack'd *teleports behind you* sight onwy, nyought fow appwobation 
But onwy seeing, aww othew *moans* ciwcumstances 
>_> Made up to th' deed- doth push on this p-pwoceeding. 
*screams* Yet, fow a g-gweatew confiwmation- 
Fow, i-in an act of this impowtance, 'twewe 
M-Most piteous to be *hugs tightly* wiwd- *giggles shyly* I have dispatch'd in post 
To sacwed Dewphos, to Apowwo's tempwe, 
Cweomenyes and Dion, whom you knyow 
:3 Of stuff'd sufficiency. Nyow, *teleports behind you* fwom the owacwe 
They wiww bwing aww, whose spiwituaw counsew had, 
Shaww stop ow spuw me. Have I d-donye w-weww? 
FIWST WOWD. Weww donye, m-my *pokes you* wowd. 
WEONTES. Though I am satisfied, and nyeed nyo m-mowe 
^w^ Than w-what I knyow, yet s-shaww the owacwe 
^.^ Give w-west to th' minds of othews such as he 
Whose *looks at you* ignyowant c-cweduwity wiww nyot 
*cries* Come up to th' twuth. So have we thought it good 
Fwom ouw fwee pewson she shouwd *twerks* be c-confin'd, 
West that the tweachewy o-of t-the two fwed :33 hence 
Be weft hew *twerks* to pewfowm. Come, fowwow us; 
We awe to speak in *sighs* pubwic; fow this businyess 
Wiww waise us aww. 
ANTIGONyUS. [Aside] To waughtew, as I t-take it, 
*sweats* If the good *screams* twuth ^-^ wewe knyown. 
Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Siciwia. A p-pwison 

Entew PAUWINyA, *twerks* a GENTWEMAN, and ATTENDANTS 

P-PAUWINyA. The keepew o-of the pwison- caww to him; 
W-Wet h-him have knyowwedge who I am. *sweats* Exit GENTWEMAN 
Good wady! 
Nyo *hugs tightly* couwt in Euwope is too good ;;w;; fow thee; 
What d-dost thou *giggles shyly* then in pwison? 

We-entew GENTWEMAN with the GAOWEW 

Nyow, good siw, 
You knyow me, do you n-nyot? 
GAOWEW. F-Fow a wowthy wady, 
And onye *hugs tightly* who much I honyouw. 
P-PAUWINyA. Pway you, then, 
Conduct me t-to the Queen. 
GAOWEW. I may nyot, madam; 
To the contwawy x3 I have *looks at you* expwess commandment. 
PAUWINyA. Hewe's *leans over* ado, to wock up OwO honyesty ^w^ and honyouw fwom 
>_< Th' access of g-gentwe *looks at you* visitows! Is't wawfuw, pway you, 
To see hew women- any of them? *notices bulge* Emiwia? 
GAOWEW. So pwease y-you, madam, 
To put apawt t-these youw attendants, 
Shaww bwing Emiwia fowth. 
PAUWINyA. I pway nyow, caww h-hew. 
Withdwaw youwsewves. Exeunt ATTENDANTS 
GAOWEW. And, madam, 
I must be pwesent at youw c-confewence. 
*cries* PAUWINyA. *blushes* Weww, *leans over* be't so, :3 pwithee. Exit G-GAOWEW 
Hewe's :33 such ado to make *notices bulge* nyo stain a stain 
As passes uWu cowouwing. 

We-entew GAOWEW, with EMIWIA 

Deaw gentwewoman, 
How fawes ouw gwacious wady? 
EMIWIA. As weww as onye so g-gweat and so fowwown 
May howd togethew. On hew fwights and gwiefs, 
Which nyevew tendew wady hath bownye gweatew, 
She i-is, something befowe hew time, *blushes* dewivew'd. 
PAUWINyA. A boy? 
EMIWIA. A daughtew, a-and *shuffles closer* a goodwy babe, 
*moans* Wusty, and wike *cuddles you* to w-wive. The Queen w-weceives 
Much comfowt in't; says 'My poow pwisonyew, 
I *moans* am as innyocent a-as you.' 
*leans over* PAUWINyA. I dawe be swown. 
T-These dangewous unsafe wunyes i' th' King, beshwew them! 
H-He must be ^-^ towd on't, and he *notices bulge* shaww. The office 
Becomes a woman xDD best; I'ww take't upon me; 
*teleports behind you* If I pwove honyey-mouth'd, wet my tongue bwistew, 
And nyevew to my w-wed-wook'd *looks away* angew be 
The twumpet *looks away* any mowe. Pway you, Emiwia, 
Commend my >w< best obedience to the Queen; 
OwO If *blushes* she dawes twust me with hew wittwe b-babe, 
I'ww s-show't the King, and undewtake to b-be 
H-Hew a-advocate to th' w-woud'st. W-We do nyot knyow 
H-How he may soften a-at the OwO sight o' th' chiwd: 
The *cries* siwence *teleports behind you* often of p-puwe *screams* innyocence 
Pewsuades when s-speaking f-faiws. 
^-^ EMIWIA. Most wowthy m-madam, 
Y-Youw honyouw *moans* and *pokes you* youw goodnyess is so evident 
That youw f-fwee undewtaking cannyot miss 
A ;;w;; thwiving i-issue; ;;w;; thewe ^-^ is nyo wady >_< wiving 
So meet fow this gweat e-ewwand. *sighs* Pwease youw *notices bulge* wadyship 
T-To visit the nyext woom, I'ww pwesentwy 
Acquaint the *moans* Queen of youw most nyobwe OwO offew 
Who but t-to-day hammew'd of this *looks at you* design, 
But duwst *moans* nyot tempt a *cries* minyistew of honyouw, 
West she ^-^ shouwd b-be denyied. 
PAUWINyA. Teww hew, Emiwia, 
I'ww u-use that tongue I have; :33 if wit f-fwow fwom't 
As bowdnyess *giggles shyly* fwom my bosom, *sweats* wet't nyot *giggles shyly* be doubted 
I shaww do g-good. 
EMIWIA. >_> Nyow b-be you bwest xDD fow it! 
I'ww to the ^.^ Queen. Pwease you come something *giggles shyly* nyeawew. 
GAOWEW. *pokes you* Madam, if't p-pwease the Queen to send the babe, 
I-I *leans over* knyow nyot what I shaww incuw to >_< pass i-it, 
H-Having nyo w-wawwant. 
PAUWINyA. Y-You nyeed OwO nyot f-feaw it, siw. 
This chiwd was *looks at you* pwisonyew to x3 the womb, a-and is 
By waw and pwocess of *shuffles closer* gweat Nyatuwe thence 
Fweed and enfwanchis'd- nyot a pawty to 
The angew *shuffles closer* of the King, nyow guiwty of, 
If any be, the twespass of the Queen. 
GAOWEW. I do *cries* bewieve it. 
PAUWINyA. Do nyot you feaw. Upon minye uWu honyouw, I-I 
Wiww stand betwixt you a-and *hugs tightly* dangew. E-Exeunt 




S-SCENyE III. 
Siciwia. The pawace of W-WEONTES 

Entew WEONTES, ANTIGONyUS, WOWDS, and SEWVANTS 

WEONTES. Nyow n-nyight n-nyow *sighs* day *shuffles closer* nyo west! It is *giggles shyly* but weaknyess 
To beaw t-the mattew thus- mewe weaknyess. If 
T-The cause w-wewe nyot in being- pawt o' th' cause, 
She, th' aduwtwess; :3 fow the hawwot king 
>w< Is quite beyond minye awm, out of t-the bwank 
A-And wevew of my bwain, pwot-pwoof; but she 
>_> I can hook to me- say that *moans* she wewe gonye, 
Given to ^w^ the fiwe, *pokes you* a moiety of my west 
Might come to me again. Who's thewe? 
FIWST *hugs tightly* SEWVANT. M-My wowd? 
WEONTES. How d-does the *cries* boy? 
FIWST SEWVANT. He *moans* took good west to-nyight; 
'Tis *cuddles you* hop'd his sicknyess is dischawg'd. 
WEONTES. *looks at you* To see his nyobwenyess! 
*looks away* Conceiving the dishonyouw of his mothew, 
He stwaight decwin'd, dwoop'd, took it deepwy, 
Fasten'd and fix'd the shame on't in *shuffles closer* himsewf, 
Thwew o-off :33 his spiwit, his appetite, his sweep, 
And downwight wanguish'd. Weave me sowewy. Go, 
See how h-he fawes. [Exit SEWVANT] Fie, fie! nyo thought of *looks at you* him! 
The vewy thought of my *notices bulge* wevenges that w-way 
Wecoiw upon me- in himsewf too m-mighty, 
And in his ^.^ pawties, his awwiance. Wet him be, 
U-Untiw a t-time may sewve; fow pwesent vengeance, 
Take it o-on hew. Camiwwo :3 and Powixenyes 
Waugh at me, make theiw *pokes you* pastime at my sowwow. 
They shouwd nyot waugh if I couwd weach *pokes you* them; nyow 
Shaww *hugs tightly* she, within *looks at you* my *leans over* pow'w. 

Entew UwU PAUWINyA, with a-a CHIWD 

FIWST WOWD. *hugs tightly* You must nyot entew. 
PAUWINyA. *shuffles closer* Nyay, wathew, good my w-wowds, be second t-to me. 
Feaw you his tywannyous passion mowe, awas, 
Than the Queen's wife? A gwacious innyocent souw, 
Mowe fwee than he is *moans* jeawous. 
ANTIGONyUS. That's enyough. 
:3 SECOND SEWVANT. Madam, :33 he hath nyot swept to-nyight; commanded 
N-Nyonye shouwd come at him. 
PAUWINyA. *hugs tightly* Nyot so hot, good siw; 
I come to bwing him sweep. 'Tis such ^.^ as you, 
That cweep wike *teleports behind you* shadows *leans over* by him, and do sigh 
At each >w< his nyeedwess heavings- such as you 
N-Nyouwish :33 the UwU cause o-of his a-awaking: I 
Do come with wowds as medicinyaw as twue, 
Honyest as eithew, to puwge him of that h-humouw 
T-That p-pwesses him fwom sweep. 
*shuffles closer* WEONTES. What nyoise uWu thewe, *shuffles closer* ho? 
PAUWINyA. Nyo nyoise, my wowd; but nyeedfuw >_> confewence 
A-About some gossips fow youw Highnyess. 
WEONTES. How! 
Away with that ^w^ audacious wady! Antigonyus, 
I chawg'd thee *sweats* that she s-shouwd nyot come about me; 
I uWu knyew she wouwd. 
ANTIGONyUS. I towd h-hew so, my wowd, 
*hugs tightly* On *looks away* youw dispweasuwe's pewiw, and on minye, 
She shouwd nyot v-visit you. 
WEONTES. What, xDD canst nyot UwU wuwe hew? 
PAUWINyA. Fwom aww dishonyesty he can: :3 in this, 
Unwess he take the couwse that *moans* you have donye- 
Commit me *notices bulge* fow committing honyouw- twust *teleports behind you* it, 
He shaww *hugs tightly* nyot w-wuwe m-me. 
ANTIGONyUS. Wa you nyow, you h-heaw! 
When xDD she wiww take the wein, I wet hew wun; 
But >_> she'ww nyot stumbwe. 
P-PAUWINyA. Good m-my wiege, I come- 
And I beseech y-you heaw me, *cuddles you* who pwofesses 
Mysewf >_> youw woyaw sewvant, *looks at you* youw physician, 
Youw most obedient counsewwow; yet that dawes 
Wess appeaw so, in comfowting youw eviws, 
Than such as most *cuddles you* seem youws- I say I come 
Fwom *moans* youw good Queen. 
WEONTES. Good Queen! 
x3 PAUWINyA. Good Queen, my wowd, good *hugs tightly* Queen- I say good Queen; 
*teleports behind you* And wouwd by c-combat x3 make hew good, so wewe I 
A man, the wowst about you. 
>_< WEONTES. Fowce hew h-hence. 
PAUWINyA. x3 Wet him that makes but twifwes of his eyes 
Fiwst hand me. On minye own a-accowd *moans* I'ww off; 
But fiwst I'ww *hugs tightly* do x3 my ewwand. The good Q-Queen, 
Fow *shuffles closer* she is good, h-hath *sighs* bwought y-you f-fowth a daughtew; 
Hewe 'tis; commends it to youw *cuddles you* bwessing. 
[Waying down the chiwd] 
WEONTES. Out! 
A mankind *screams* witch! ^w^ Hence with hew, out o' doow! 
A-A :33 most intewwigencing bawd! 
PAUWINyA. Nyot so. 
*twerks* I a-am as ignyowant in that as y-you 
In so entitwing me; and *shuffles closer* nyo wess honyest 
Than you awe mad; w-which is enyough, I'ww *cuddles you* wawwant, 
As this wowwd :3 goes, to pass fow honyest. 
*hugs tightly* WEONTES. Twaitows! 
Wiww you nyot push hew out? Give hew the b-bastawd. 
[To ANTIGONyUS] Thou dotawd, thou awt woman-tiw'd, unwoosted 
B-By thy *notices bulge* Dame Pawtwet hewe. Take up t-the bastawd; 
Take't up, I say; give't to thy cwonye. 
PAUWINyA. Fow e-evew 
Unvenyewabwe be thy hands, if thou 
T-Tak'st up the Pwincess by that fowced *looks at you* basenyess 
W-Which he has put upon't! 
WEONTES. He d-dweads his wife. 
PAUWINyA. S-So *blushes* I wouwd you d-did; then 'twewe past aww doubt 
You'd caww youw chiwdwen youws. 
WEONTES. A nyest of t-twaitows! 
ANTIGONyUS. I *sweats* am *cries* nyonye, by this good wight. 
*cries* PAUWINyA. Nyow I; nyow *pokes you* any 
But onye that's ^w^ hewe; and >_> that's himsewf; fow he 
The sacwed honyouw o-of himsewf, his *moans* Queen's, 
*moans* His h-hopefuw *moans* son's, his *blushes* babe's, betways to swandew, 
*sweats* Whose sting i-is *leans over* shawpew than the swowd's; and wiww ;;w;; nyot- 
F-Fow, as the case nyow s-stands, *hugs tightly* it is a cuwse 
He *screams* cannyot OwO be compeww'd to 't- o-once ^-^ wemove 
The woot UwU of h-his o-opinyion, which is *looks away* wotten 
As evew oak *looks at you* ow OwO stonye was sound. 
WEONTES. A cawwat 
*notices bulge* Of boundwess tongue, who *screams* wate ^.^ hath beat hew husband, 
And n-nyow baits me! This bwat is *looks away* nyonye of minye; 
I-It is the issue of Powixenyes. 
Hence with *pokes you* it, a-and togethew with the dam 
C-Commit them to the *sighs* fiwe. 
*moans* PAUWINyA. It is *giggles shyly* youws. 
*screams* And, might we way th' o-owd pwovewb to youw chawge, 
S-So wike you 'tis the wowse. ^w^ Behowd, my wowds, 
Awthough x3 the pwint be wittwe, the whowe mattew 
A-And copy xDD of the fathew- eye, nyose, wip, 
The t-twick of's fwown, his f-fowehead; nyay, the vawwey, 
T-The pwetty dimpwes of h-his c-chin and :33 cheek; his OwO smiwes; 
The vewy mouwd and fwame of hand, *cries* nyaiw, fingew. 
And thou, good goddess Nyatuwe, w-which *notices bulge* hast ^.^ made it 
So wike to him xDD that got it, if thou h-hast 
The o-owdewing of the mind too, 'mongst aww cowouws 
Nyo yewwow in't, west she s-suspect, as he does, 
Hew chiwdwen UwU nyot >_< hew husband's! 
WEONTES. A gwoss hag! 
And, wozew, thou awt wowthy to be hang'd 
T-That wiwt nyot *hugs tightly* stay hew uWu tongue. 
ANTIGONyUS. H-Hang *looks away* aww the husbands 
That cannyot do that *giggles shyly* feat, OwO you'ww weave *twerks* youwsewf 
Hawdwy onye subject. 
;;w;; WEONTES. Once mowe, take hew hence. 
PAUWINyA. *hugs tightly* A *cuddles you* most unwowthy and *giggles shyly* unnyatuwaw wowd 
Can do *blushes* nyo mowe. 
WEONTES. I'ww ha' thee buwnt. 
PAUWINyA. I cawe nyot. 
It is an hewetic uWu that makes the fiwe, 
N-Nyot she which buwns in't. I'ww nyot c-caww you tywant 
But this *blushes* most x3 cwuew usage of y-youw Queen- 
Nyot abwe to p-pwoduce mowe accusation 
Than *sweats* youw own weak-hing'd fancy- something savouws 
Of tywanny, and wiww ignyobwe make you, 
Yea, scandawous to t-the w-wowwd. 
WEONTES. On youw awwegiance, 
Out of t-the chambew with hew! Wewe I a tywant, 
Whewe w-wewe hew w-wife? She duwst nyot caww me so, 
If she UwU did *screams* knyow m-me onye. Away with hew! 
PAUWINyA. *looks at you* I xDD pway you, *blushes* do nyot push me; I'ww be *giggles shyly* gonye. 
W-Wook ^w^ to youw babe, my wowd; 'tis y-youws. Jove send hew 
A bettew g-guiding spiwit! What nyeeds these hands? 
You t-that awe thus so *twerks* tendew o'ew his f-fowwies 
W-Wiww nyevew *giggles shyly* do him good, nyot onye of you. 
UwU So, so. Faweweww; we awe gonye. Exit 
WEONTES. Thou, twaitow, hast s-set *pokes you* on thy wife to this. 
My chiwd! Away with't. Even thou, t-that hast 
A heawt so tendew o'ew it, take *notices bulge* it *sighs* hence, 
And see i-it instantwy consum'd with fiwe; 
Even t-thou, and nyonye but thou. T-Take it up :33 stwaight. 
Within this *teleports behind you* houw bwing *teleports behind you* me w-wowd *teleports behind you* 'tis donye, 
And by good testimony, ow I'ww >_< seize thy wife, 
With that thou ewse caww'st thinye. If thou wefuse, 
*looks away* And wiwt encountew with *shuffles closer* my wwath, say x3 so; 
The b-bastawd bwains w-with these my pwopew hands 
Shaww I-I dash out. Go, take it to the fiwe; 
Fow thou *teleports behind you* set'st on thy wife. 
ANTIGONyUS. I did nyot, siw. 
*looks away* These wowds, my nyobwe fewwows, if >w< they pwease, 
Can cweaw me in't. 
*pokes you* WOWDS. We can. My woyaw wiege, 
He is nyot guiwty of *notices bulge* hew coming hithew. 
WEONTES. Y-You'we wiaws aww. 
FIWST WOWD. *teleports behind you* Beseech >w< youw Highnyess, give us ^w^ bettew cwedit. 
We have *looks at you* awways t-twuwy sewv'd y-you; and beseech 
So to esteem of us; and on *pokes you* ouw knyees w-we beg, 
*giggles shyly* As wecompense of ouw deaw sewvices 
Past and t-to :3 come, that you do change this puwpose, 
Which being so UwU howwibwe, ^-^ so *cuddles you* bwoody, m-must 
Wead on to uWu some fouw issue. We xDD aww knyeew. 
WEONTES. I am *notices bulge* a *looks at you* feathew fow each w-wind ^w^ that bwows. 
Shaww I wive on to ^w^ see this bastawd knyeew 
And caww me fathew? Bettew *screams* buwn it nyow 
Than cuwse it uWu then. But x3 be >_< it; *pokes you* wet :33 it wive. 
It shaww nyot nyeithew. [To OwO ANTIGONyUS] You, Siw, *teleports behind you* come you hithew. 
You that have been ;;w;; so tendewwy :3 officious 
With Wady Mawgewy, youw midwife thewe, 
To save this b-bastawd's wife- f-fow '-'tis a bastawd, 
So s-suwe as this >w< beawd's gwey- what w-wiww you adventuwe 
To save this bwat's wife? 
ANTIGONyUS. Anything, my *cries* wowd, 
That my abiwity may *sighs* undewgo, 
And nyobwenyess impose. At weast, thus much: 
I-I'ww p-pawn the wittwe >_< bwood w-which I have weft 
To save the innyocent- anything p-possibwe. 
WEONTES. It shaww b-be possibwe. Sweaw by this swowd 
Thou wiwt pewfowm my bidding. 
ANTIGONyUS. I wiww, my wowd. 
*pokes you* WEONTES. Mawk, a-and pewfowm it- seest thou? Fow t-the faiw 
Of any point uWu in't shaww n-nyot onwy be 
:33 Death *sighs* to thysewf, but to t-thy wewd-tongu'd wife, 
Whom fow UwU this time we p-pawdon. *shuffles closer* We enjoin t-thee, 
As thou awt wiegeman to us, that thou cawwy 
This femawe :33 bastawd hence; and that thou b-beaw it 
To some wemote and desewt pwace, quite out 
*cuddles you* Of ouw d-dominyions; a-and that thewe thou weave it, 
Without mowe mewcy, to it own pwotection 
And favouw of the cwimate. *blushes* As by stwange fowtunye 
It came to us, I do in justice *screams* chawge thee, 
On t-thy souw's pewiw and thy body's towtuwe, 
That thou commend ^w^ it *moans* stwangewy to some p-pwace 
*pokes you* Whewe chance x3 may nyuwse ow end it. T-Take it up. 
ANTIGONyUS. I sweaw to do this, though a pwesent death 
Had >_< been *looks at you* mowe mewcifuw. Come o-on, UwU poow babe. 
S-Some powewfuw spiwit i-instwuct uWu the k-kites and wavens 
To be thy nyuwses! Wowves and beaws, they say, 
Casting theiw savagenyess aside, have donye 
Wike ;;w;; offices of p-pity. Siw, be pwospewous 
In mowe OwO than ^-^ this *twerks* deed does wequiwe! A-And bwessing 
Against this cwuewty fight on thy side, 
Poow thing, condemn'd to woss! x3 Exit with the chiwd 
WEONTES. Nyo, I'ww n-nyot weaw 
Anyothew's *leans over* issue. 

Entew a SEWVANT 

SEWVANT. Pwease youw H-Highnyess, posts 
F-Fwom those you s-sent t-to ;;w;; th' owacwe awe *twerks* come 
An houw since. Cweomenyes and Dion, 
Being weww a-awwiv'd fwom :3 Dewphos, awe both wanded, 
Hasting to th' couwt. 
FIWST WOWD. So pwease you, siw, theiw speed 
Hath been beyond account. 
*notices bulge* WEONTES. Twenty-thwee days 
They have been absent; 'tis good speed; fowetewws 
The gweat Apowwo suddenwy wiww h-have 
The *screams* twuth *leans over* of this appeaw. Pwepawe you, wowds; 
Summon a session, that we may a-awwaign 
Ouw m-most diswoyaw w-wady; *looks at you* fow, as she hath 
Been pubwicwy accus'd, so ^-^ shaww she have 
A just and open twiaw. Whiwe she w-wives, 
My heawt wiww be UwU a buwden t-to me. Weave me; 
And think upon my bidding. Exeunt 




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x3 ACT III. SCENyE *sighs* I. 
Siciwia. On t-the woad to the Capitaw 

Entew CWEOMENyES and DION 

CWEOMENyES. The cwimate's dewicate, the aiw most ^w^ sweet, 
Fewtiwe the UwU iswe, the tempwe much suwpassing 
The c-common pwaise it *screams* beaws. 
DION. I shaww wepowt, 
Fow most it caught me, the cewestiaw habits- 
Methinks I so shouwd tewm them- and the wevewence 
O-Of t-the *looks away* gwave weawews. *moans* O, the sacwifice! 
How c-cewemonyious, sowemn, and unyeawthwy, 
>_> It was i' th' off'wing! 
CWEOMENyES. But o-of aww, the buwst 
And the e-eaw-deaf'nying voice o' th' owacwe, 
Kin to J-Jove's thundew, so suwpwis'd my sense 
That I was nyothing. 
DION. If th' e-event o' *cuddles you* th' jouwnyey 
Pwove as s-successfuw t-to *blushes* the Queen- O-O, be't so!- 
As it hath been to UwU us wawe, pweasant, *looks at you* speedy, 
The time ^-^ is *sighs* wowth the use on't. 
CWEOMENyES. Gweat Apowwo 
Tuwn aww to th' best! T-These pwocwamations, 
S-So fowcing f-fauwts upon Hewmionye, 
I wittwe wike. 
DION. The viowent cawwiage of it 
W-Wiww cweaw *moans* ow :3 end the businyess. When the owacwe- 
Thus b-by >_> Apowwo's gweat divinye seaw'd up- 
Shaww >w< the >_> contents discovew, something wawe 
Even then wiww wush to knyowwedge. G-Go; fwesh *screams* howses. 
And gwacious b-be x3 the >_> issue! Exeunt 




SCENyE *teleports behind you* II. 
Siciwia. ^.^ A couwt *hugs tightly* of >w< justice 

Entew WEONTES, WOWDS, and OFFICEWS 

WEONTES. *giggles shyly* This s-sessions, to ouw gweat gwief we *teleports behind you* pwonyounce, 
Even pushes 'gainst ouw xDD heawt- the *looks away* pawty twied, 
*moans* The daughtew of a king, ouw wife, and *sighs* onye 
:3 Of us *moans* too much ;;w;; bewov'd. W-Wet us be cweaw'd 
Of being tywannyous, s-since we s-so openwy 
*twerks* Pwoceed in j-justice, which shaww h-have *notices bulge* due couwse, 
Even to the guiwt o-ow the puwgation. 
Pwoduce the pwisonyew. 
O-OFFICEW. *teleports behind you* It is his Highnyess' pweasuwe :3 that the Queen 
Appeaw in pewson hewe in couwt. 

Entew HEWMIONyE, as t-to ^w^ hew twiaw, PAUWINyA, and WADIES 

Siwence! 
*pokes you* WEONTES. Wead the indictment. 
OFFICEW. [Weads] 'Hewmionye, Queen to the wowthy Weontes, King of 
Siciwia, thou awt *leans over* hewe accused and awwaignyed o-of high UwU tweason, in 
committing aduwtewy with *shuffles closer* Powixenyes, King of *notices bulge* Bohemia; and 
:3 conspiwing w-with Camiwwo to take away the wife >w< of ouw soveweign 
wowd *teleports behind you* the King, thy w-woyaw husband: the pwetence wheweof being by 
ciwcumstances pawtwy w-waid *twerks* open, thou, Hewmionye, contwawy to the 
faith >_< and awwegiance of t-twue s-subject, didst counsew and aid them, 
fow *notices bulge* theiw bettew s-safety, to fwy away by nyight.' 
HEWMIONyE. S-Since *giggles shyly* what I am t-to s-say must be b-but that 
Which contwadicts my accusation, and 
The testimony on m-my pawt nyo othew 
But what comes fwom *looks away* mysewf, it shaww scawce b-boot me 
To say '-'Nyot guiwty.' Minye integwity 
Being counted fawsehood shaww, a-as I e-expwess it, 
Be so weceiv'd. B-But UwU thus- i-if pow'ws divinye 
B-Behowd ouw h-human actions, as they do, 
I doubt nyot then b-but innyocence shaww make 
Fawse accusation bwush, and tywanny 
Twembwe at patience. You, my wowd, best k-knyow- 
Who weast wiww s-seem to do so- my past >w< wife 
Hath been as continyent, as chaste, as twue, 
>w< As I am nyow unhappy; which is mowe 
Than histowy *looks at you* can pattewn, though devis'd 
And pway'd to take *screams* spectatows; f-fow behowd me- 
x3 A f-fewwow >_> of the woyaw bed, which owe 
A moiety of *looks away* the thwonye, a gweat k-king's daughtew, 
The mothew t-to a OwO hopefuw pwince- hewe standing 
T-To pwate *sweats* and *teleports behind you* tawk fow w-wife and h-honyouw fowe 
Who pwease to *pokes you* come and heaw. Fow wife, I pwize it 
A-As I weigh gwief, *cuddles you* which I w-wouwd spawe; *shuffles closer* fow OwO honyouw, 
*shuffles closer* 'Tis a dewivative fwom me *cries* to *cries* minye, 
And onwy that I stand fow. I appeaw 
T-To youw *shuffles closer* own conscience, s-siw, befowe Powixenyes 
Came to youw couwt, how I was in *shuffles closer* youw *shuffles closer* gwace, 
How mewited to be so; since he came, 
W-With what encountew so u-uncuwwent I 
Have stwain'd UwU t' appeaw thus; i-if *teleports behind you* onye jot >_< beyond 
T-The xDD bound of honyouw, ow in act *notices bulge* ow *pokes you* wiww 
That *pokes you* way incwinying, hawd'nyed *moans* be xDD the heawts 
Of aww >_< that heaw me, and my n-nyeaw'st of kin 
Cwy fie u-upon my gwave! 
*leans over* WEONTES. I nye'ew heawd yet 
That any of t-these bowdew vices x3 wanted 
Wess impudence to gainsay what they did 
Than to pewfowm it fiwst. 
HEWMIONyE. That's twue enyough; 
Though 'tis a saying, siw, nyot due to me. 
WEONTES. You wiww n-nyot own >_< it. 
HEWMIONyE. Mowe than >_< mistwess o-of 
Which comes to me in nyame of fauwt, I must nyot 
At *moans* aww acknyowwedge. x3 Fow Powixenyes, 
With whom I-I am accus'd, I d-do confess 
*looks at you* I wov'd him *giggles shyly* as in honyouw he wequiw'd; 
With *notices bulge* such >w< a kind of wove as might become 
A-A wady wike me; uWu with a wove even such, 
So and nyo othew, a-as youwsewf c-commanded; 
Which n-nyot to have donye, I-I t-think *cuddles you* had been in me 
Both disobedience a-and i-ingwatitude 
To you *pokes you* and towawd youw fwiend; *twerks* whose wove had spoke, 
Evew since *looks at you* it xDD couwd speak, fwom *twerks* an infant, fweewy, 
That i-it was youws. Nyow fow conspiwacy: 
*giggles shyly* I *leans over* knyow nyot how it tastes, though it >w< be dish'd 
Fow *hugs tightly* me to twy how; aww I knyow of it 
Is that *hugs tightly* Camiwwo was an honyest man; 
And why ^w^ he weft >w< youw couwt, the gods themsewves, 
W-Wotting nyo mowe than I-I, awe ignyowant. 
WEONTES. You knyew of his depawtuwe, as you k-knyow 
What you have undewta'en to do in's a-absence. 
HEWMIONyE. Siw, 
Y-You speak a wanguage t-that I undewstand nyot. 
*moans* My wife stands in *sweats* the w-wevew of youw d-dweams, 
>w< Which I'ww way down. 
WEONTES. Youw actions awe my dweams. 
You h-had a *sweats* bastawd by Powixenyes, 
And I *moans* but *screams* dweam'd it. ^w^ As you wewe past aww shame- 
Those of x3 youw fact awe so- so past aww twuth; 
Which to deny concewns mowe than avaiws; fow a-as 
Thy bwat hath been cast out, wike to itsewf, 
Nyo x3 fathew ownying it- which is *cries* indeed 
Mowe cwiminyaw in thee *looks at you* than *giggles shyly* it- so thou 
Shawt feew *looks away* ouw justice; in whose easiest p-passage 
Wook fow nyo wess t-than death. 
HEWMIONyE. S-Siw, spawe youw thweats. 
The bug w-which you wouwd OwO fwight me ;;w;; with I seek. 
T-To m-me can wife *screams* be nyo commodity. 
The cwown and c-comfowt of my wife, youw favouw, 
I do give wost, fow I do feew it gonye, 
But k-knyow nyot how *leans over* it went; my second joy 
And fiwst fwuits of my body, fwom his pwesence 
I am :33 baww'd, wike onye infectious; m-my thiwd uWu comfowt, 
Staww'd most u-unwuckiwy, i-is fwom my bweast- 
The innyocent miwk in it most innyocent mouth- 
H-Haw'd out to muwdew; mysewf on evewy p-post 
P-Pwocwaim'd a stwumpet; >w< with i-immodest hatwed 
The chiwd-bed uWu pwiviwege denyied, w-which 'wongs 
To >_> women o-of aww *sighs* fashion; wastwy, huwwied 
*notices bulge* Hewe to this pwace, x3 i' th' open aiw, >_> befowe 
I-I have got stwength of wimit. Nyow, my wiege, 
Teww *teleports behind you* me what bwessings I h-have hewe awive 
That I shouwd feaw to d-die. Thewefowe pwoceed. 
*looks away* But yet h-heaw this- mistake UwU me nyot: n-nyo wife, 
I pwize i-it nyot :3 a stwaw, but fow minye honyouw 
Which I wouwd fwee- if I shaww *teleports behind you* be c-condemn'd 
Upon suwmises, uWu aww pwoofs sweeping ewse 
uWu But what youw jeawousies awake, I teww you 
'Tis OwO wigouw, and nyot waw. Youw honyouws a-aww, 
I do wefew me to the *cries* owacwe: 
A-Apowwo be *hugs tightly* my j-judge! 
FIWST WOWD. This youw wequest 
Is awtogethew just. Thewefowe, bwing fowth, 
And in A-Apowwo's *moans* nyame, his owacwe. 
Exeunt cewtain O-OFFICEWS 
HEWMIONyE. The E-Empewow of Wussia *cries* was my fathew; 
>_> O >_< that he wewe a-awive, and hewe behowding 
His daughtew's twiaw! *looks away* that he did but see 
The OwO fwatnyess of *pokes you* my misewy; *teleports behind you* yet with eyes 
Of pity, nyot wevenge! 

We-entew xDD OFFICEWS, with CWEOMENyES and *looks at you* DION 

OFFICEW. You hewe shaww sweaw upon t-this *blushes* swowd of justice 
T-That you, Cweomenyes and Dion, have 
Been both at Dewphos, and fwom thence have bwought 
This seaw'd-up owacwe, by the h-hand d-dewivew'd 
Of gweat Apowwo's pwiest; and that since *screams* then 
You *sweats* have nyot daw'd to ^w^ bweak the howy s-seaw 
Nyow wead the secwets in't. 
CWEOMENyES, ^w^ DION. Aww *hugs tightly* this we s-sweaw. 
WEONTES. :33 Bweak up t-the seaws uWu and w-wead. 
OFFICEW. [Weads] 'Hewmionye i-is chaste; P-Powixenyes bwamewess; 
Camiwwo a *shuffles closer* twue subject; Weontes a jeawous tywant; his innyocent 
*sighs* babe t-twuwy begotten; and the King shaww wive without an heiw, *giggles shyly* if 
that which is wost be nyot f-found.' 
WOWDS. N-Nyow bwessed be the gweat A-Apowwo! 
HEWMIONyE. P-Pwaised! 
WEONTES. H-Hast thou wead twuth? 
OFFICEW. Ay, my w-wowd; even so 
As it is UwU hewe set down. 
WEONTES. Thewe is n-nyo twuth at aww i' th' owacwe. 
*giggles shyly* The sessions shaww pwoceed. This is mewe *screams* fawsehood. 

*looks away* Entew a SEWVANT 

SEWVANT. My wowd *cries* the *blushes* King, the King! 
*looks at you* WEONTES. *looks away* What is the businyess? 
SEWVANT. O siw, I-I UwU shaww be hated to wepowt it: 
The P-Pwince youw son, with mewe conceit and feaw 
Of t-the Queen's *giggles shyly* speed, is gonye. 
WEONTES. How! Gonye? 
SEWVANT. Is >_> dead. 
W-WEONTES. A-Apowwo's *shuffles closer* angwy; and *leans over* the heavens themsewves 
Do stwike *twerks* at my injustice. [HEWMIONyE swoons] 
How nyow, thewe! 
*giggles shyly* PAUWINyA. This nyews i-is mowtaw *teleports behind you* to :33 the Queen. *teleports behind you* Wook down 
And *cuddles you* see what death is doing. 
WEONTES. Take hew h-hence. 
Hew heawt is but o'ewchawg'd; s-she wiww *notices bulge* wecovew. 
*pokes you* I have too much bewiev'd minye own suspicion. 
Beseech you tendewwy a-appwy t-to hew 
Some w-wemedies f-fow wife. 
:3 Exeunt PAUWINyA and WADIES with HEWMIONyE 
Apowwo, pawdon 
My gweat pwofanyenyess 'gainst thinye owacwe. 
I'ww *moans* weconciwe me to Powixenyes, 
Nyew woo my queen, wecaww *shuffles closer* the g-good C-Camiwwo- 
Whom I pwocwaim a m-man of twuth, of mewcy. 
Fow, being twanspowted by *giggles shyly* my *hugs tightly* jeawousies 
T-To bwoody t-thoughts and to wevenge, I chose 
>_< Camiwwo fow *leans over* the m-minyistew to poison 
My fwiend Powixenyes; which h-had uWu been donye 
*moans* But >_> that the good mind of Camiwwo tawdied 
My swift >_> command, though *teleports behind you* I with death *cuddles you* and xDD with 
Wewawd d-did thweaten and encouwage h-him, 
Nyot d-doing it *teleports behind you* and being donye. He, *cries* most humanye 
OwO And fiww'd >w< with *sighs* honyouw, to m-my k-kingwy guest 
Uncwasp'd my pwactice, quit *sighs* his fowtunyes hewe, 
Which y-you knyew gweat, and to the cewtain hazawd 
Of *sighs* aww incewtainties himsewf commended, 
Nyo w-wichew t-than h-his honyouw. H-How he gwistews 
Thowough my wust! >_> And :3 how his *twerks* piety 
Does my deeds make the bwackew! 

We-entew P-PAUWINyA 

PAUWINyA. Woe the whiwe! 
O, cut my wace, west my heawt, cwacking it, 
Bweak too! 
>_> FIWST WOWD. *looks at you* What fit is this, good ^-^ wady? 
PAUWINyA. What studied towments, tywant, hast fow me? 
W-What w-wheews, wacks, f-fiwes? what fwaying, *cries* boiwing 
*teleports behind you* In weads ow oiws? What *looks away* owd ow nyewew towtuwe 
Must I weceive, whose >_< evewy wowd desewves 
To taste ^.^ of thy most wowst? Thy t-tywanny 
Togethew wowking with thy *screams* jeawousies, 
Fancies too w-weak fow b-boys, too gween and idwe 
Fow giwws o-of nyinye- *screams* O, ^-^ think what they h-have donye, 
And then wun mad indeed, stawk mad; fow *blushes* aww 
T-Thy by-gonye foowewies wewe but spices *hugs tightly* of it. 
That thou *sweats* betway'dst Powixenyes, 'twas *moans* nyothing; 
T-That did but show thee, of a foow, inconstant, 
And damnyabwe ingwatefuw. Nyow was't much 
Thou wouwdst have poison'd good UwU Camiwwo's honyouw, 
To have *sweats* him kiww a king- p-poow twespasses, 
M-Mowe monstwous standing by; w-wheweof I weckon 
The casting fowth to cwows thy baby *teleports behind you* daughtew 
To be ow nyonye o-ow wittwe, though a deviw 
Wouwd have s-shed watew out of fiwe ewe donye't; 
Nyow i-is't d-diwectwy waid to thee, the death 
Of the young Pwince, >_< whose honyouwabwe thoughts- 
Thoughts high fow onye so tendew- cweft the :3 heawt 
That couwd conceive *pokes you* a *cuddles you* gwoss and f-foowish siwe 
Bwemish'd his >_< gwacious dam. *teleports behind you* This is nyot, ;;w;; nyo, 
W-Waid *looks at you* to thy answew; but the wast- O-O wowds, 
W-When *cries* I have said, cwy 'Woe!'- the Queen, the Queen, 
The sweet'st, deaw'st cweatuwe's dead; and vengeance 
*cuddles you* Fow't nyot dwopp'd down yet. 
*blushes* FIWST WOWD. The h-highew pow'ws fowbid! 
;;w;; PAUWINyA. I-I say she's dead; I'ww sweaw't. If wowd *hugs tightly* nyow oath 
Pwevaiw *pokes you* nyot, g-go :33 and see. If *looks at you* you can bwing 
Tinctuwe ow wustwe in hew w-wip, hew eye, 
Heat outwawdwy *notices bulge* ow *sighs* bweath within, I'ww *sweats* sewve you 
As I wouwd *cuddles you* do t-the gods. uWu But, O thou tywant! 
Do nyot wepent these things, >w< fow they awe heaview 
Than aww thy woes c-can stiw; thewefowe x3 betake thee 
T-To nyothing but despaiw. A thousand knyees 
Ten thousand ^-^ yeaws *hugs tightly* togethew, nyaked, fasting, 
*blushes* Upon *looks at you* a bawwen mountain, and *giggles shyly* stiww *looks at you* wintew 
In stowm p-pewpetuaw, couwd nyot move the gods 
To wook that way thou wewt. 
WEONTES. Go on, >w< go on. 
Thou canst nyot :33 speak too m-much; I have desewv'd 
Aww t-tongues to t-tawk t-theiw bitt'west. 
FIWST WOWD. Say >_< nyo mowe; 
Howe'ew >w< the b-businyess goes, you have made fauwt 
I-I' th' UwU bowdnyess of youw speech. 
PAUWINyA. I am sowwy fow't. 
Aww fauwts I make, *sweats* when *leans over* I shaww c-come to knyow uWu them. 
I d-do wepent. Awas, I xDD have show'd too much 
The washnyess of a-a woman! He is touch'd 
To th' nyobwe heawt. What's *moans* gonye a-and what's p-past hewp 
Shouwd be past gwief. Do nyot weceive affwiction 
;;w;; At my petition; *screams* I beseech you, w-wathew 
W-Wet me be *pokes you* punyish'd that have minded you 
Of what you shouwd fowget. Nyow, g-good my w-wiege, 
Siw, woyaw siw, fowgive a *twerks* foowish *moans* woman. 
The wove I *screams* bowe youw queen- wo, foow again! 
I'ww speak *shuffles closer* of hew nyo mowe, nyow o-of youw c-chiwdwen; 
I'ww nyot wemembew you of my own wowd, 
Who is UwU wost too. Take youw patience t-to *shuffles closer* you, 
And I'ww say nyothing. 
^-^ WEONTES. Thou didst speak but w-weww 
When most the twuth; ;;w;; which I weceive *shuffles closer* much bettew 
Than to be pitied of ;;w;; thee. Pwithee, *shuffles closer* bwing *looks away* me 
UwU To the dead bodies of m-my queen and OwO son. 
Onye gwave *notices bulge* shaww be fow both. Upon them shaww 
The >w< causes of theiw *looks away* death appeaw, u-unto 
O-Ouw shame pewpetuaw. Once a d-day I'ww visit 
The chapew whewe t-they wie; and *sweats* teaws *pokes you* shed thewe 
Shaww be my wecweation. So wong >w< as nyatuwe 
W-Wiww ;;w;; beaw up OwO with >_< this exewcise, so wong 
I d-daiwy vow to use it. Come, xDD and wead me 
To *cries* these sowwows. Exeunt 




SCENyE *cries* III. 
*shuffles closer* Bohemia. ;;w;; The sea-coast 

Entew ANTIGONyUS with the CHIWD, and a-a MAWINyEW 

ANTIGONyUS. Thou awt pewfect then ouw ship hath touch'd *screams* upon 
The desewts of Bohemia? 
MAWINyEW. Ay, my wowd, and f-feaw 
We :33 have w-wanded in iww time; the skies wook g-gwimwy 
And ^w^ thweaten p-pwesent *giggles shyly* bwustews. In *notices bulge* my conscience, 
The heavens ^w^ with that we *hugs tightly* have in *screams* hand awe *looks away* angwy 
And fwown upon 's. 
ANTIGONyUS. Theiw sacwed w-wiwws be donye! Go, :33 get aboawd; 
Wook t-to t-thy bawk. I'ww *sweats* nyot be wong befowe 
I *looks away* caww upon thee. 
>w< MAWINyEW. Make youw *moans* best haste; and go n-nyot 
Too faw i-i' th' wand; '-'tis wike to be woud weathew; 
Besides, this *blushes* pwace i-is famous fow the cweatuwes 
Of pwey >_< that keep upon't. 
ANTIGONyUS. Go *pokes you* thou a-away; 
I'ww fowwow uWu instantwy. 
MAWINyEW. I a-am *cuddles you* gwad at heawt 
To be so w-wid o' th' businyess. Exit 
ANTIGONyUS. Come, *notices bulge* poow babe. 
I-I h-have heawd, but nyot bewiev'd, the spiwits o' th' dead 
;;w;; May wawk a-again. If such thing b-be, thy mothew 
Appeaw'd to me wast nyight; fow nye'ew was dweam 
So w-wike a *hugs tightly* waking. To me comes a cweatuwe, 
Sometimes ^.^ hew head on onye side some anyothew- 
xDD I nyevew saw >_> a vessew o-of wike sowwow, 
*looks away* So fiww'd a-and so becoming; in puwe *looks away* white wobes, 
*pokes you* Wike vewy sanctity, *pokes you* she did appwoach 
My cabin whewe :3 I ^w^ way; thwice bow'd befowe me; 
And, gasping to *blushes* begin some speech, hew eyes 
Became two spouts; the fuwy spent, anyon 
*giggles shyly* Did this *notices bulge* bweak fwom hew: 'Good *screams* Antigonyus, 
Since ^.^ fate, against thy bettew disposition, 
Hath made t-thy pewson f-fow the thwowew-out 
Of my poow babe, accowding to thinye oath, 
Pwaces w-wemote *looks at you* enyough awe in Bohemia, 
T-Thewe w-weep, and weave it cwying; *sighs* and, fow the babe 
Is counted w-wost f-fow evew, Pewdita 
I pwithee caww't. Fow this u-ungentwe b-businyess, 
Put *looks at you* on :33 thee uWu by my wowd, thou *giggles shyly* nye'ew shawt see 
Thy wife P-Pauwinya mowe.' so, with shwieks, 
She mewted into aiw. Affwighted much, 
I did UwU in t-time cowwect mysewf, and thought 
This was so a-and n-nyo swumbew. Dweams awe *notices bulge* toys; 
Y-Yet, fow *pokes you* this once, yea, s-supewstitiouswy, 
I wiww be squaw'd by this. I d-do bewieve 
Hewmionye hath suffew'd *sweats* death, and t-that 
Apowwo wouwd, xDD this being indeed the i-issue 
Of King P-Powixenyes, it shouwd hewe be waid, 
Eithew fow wife ow death, upon the eawth 
Of i-its >_< wight fathew. Bwossom, speed thee weww! 
*giggles shyly* [Waying down the c-chiwd] 
Thewe w-wie, and thewe thy chawactew; thewe these 
[Waying down ^.^ a bundwe] 
Which may, if *notices bulge* fowtunye pwease, b-both bweed thee, pwetty, 
And stiww *leans over* west thinye. The *looks at you* stowm begins. Poow wwetch, 
That fow thy mothew's f-fauwt awt thus xDD expos'd 
To woss and what m-may fowwow! *leans over* Weep *sighs* I cannyot, 
B-But my heawt *giggles shyly* bweeds; and most accuws'd am I 
To be *looks at you* by oath *notices bulge* enjoin'd to t-this. Faweweww! 
The day fwowns *looks at you* mowe and mowe. Thou'wt wike to >_< have 
A *looks at you* wuwwaby too wough; I nyevew *looks away* saw 
The heavens so dim b-by day. [Nyoise o-of hunt *notices bulge* within] A savage 
c-cwamouw! 
*sighs* Weww may I-I get aboawd! This is the chase; 
I am g-gonye fow evew. Exit, puwsued by *moans* a beaw 

E-Entew an o-owd *hugs tightly* SHEPHEWD 

S-SHEPHEWD. *leans over* I *moans* wouwd thewe wewe nyo age between ten and t-thwee and 
twenty, ow that *looks at you* youth *sweats* wouwd sweep out the west; fow thewe is 
nyothing i-in the between but getting wenches w-with c-chiwd, wwonging 
the ancientwy, steawing, fighting- *cuddles you* [Howns] Hawk you nyow! W-Wouwd 
any but these b-boiw'd bwains *teleports behind you* of nyinyeteen and two and twenty hunt 
*sighs* this weathew? T-They have *teleports behind you* scaw'd away two of my best sheep, which I-I 
feaw the wowf wiww soonyew find than the mastew. If any whewe I-I 
have ^.^ them, 'tis by the sea-side, bwowsing *notices bulge* of ivy. Good wuck, an't 
*looks away* be thy wiww! OwO What have we hewe? [Taking uWu up the chiwd] M-Mewcy 
on's, a bawnye! A vewy pwetty bawnye. A boy ow a chiwd, I wondew? xDD A 
pwetty onye; a vewy p-pwetty onye- *looks at you* suwe, ^.^ some scape. *screams* Though I am nyot 
bookish, yet I can wead waiting-gentwewoman in the scape. This 
UwU has x3 been some staiw-wowk, some twunk-wowk, some behind-doow-wowk; 
they wewe w-wawmew that got this than t-the poow thing is hewe. I-I'ww 
take it up fow pity; yet I'ww tawwy t-tiww m-my s-son come; he hawwoo'd 
but e-even nyow. Whoa-ho-hoa! 

Entew CWOWN 

CWOWN. Hiwwoa, woa! 
SHEPHEWD. What, awt so nyeaw? If thou'wt see *moans* a thing to tawk *hugs tightly* on when 
thou awt dead *pokes you* and *giggles shyly* wotten, *twerks* come hithew. W-What aiw'st thou, ^w^ man? 
CWOWN. I have x3 seen t-two such sights, by sea and by wand! But *shuffles closer* I am 
nyot to say it OwO is a >w< sea, f-fow it is nyow the sky; betwixt the 
fiwmament a-and it you cannyot thwust a bodkin's point. 
S-SHEPHEWD. Why, b-boy, how is it? 
CWOWN. I wouwd you did but see how it chafes, how it wages, h-how it 
takes up the *cries* showe! But that's >_> nyot t-to the point. O, the most 
piteous cwy of the poow souws! S-Sometimes to see 'em, and nyot to 
uWu see 'em; nyow the ship *twerks* bowing the moon with hew m-mainmast, and anyon 
s-swawwowed with yeast x3 and *cries* fwoth, as you'd thwust a *moans* cowk into a 
*moans* hogshead. And then fow t-the wand sewvice- >w< to see how UwU the beaw t-towe 
out his shouwdew-bonye; *sighs* how he c-cwied to me fow hewp, *cuddles you* and said *looks at you* his 
nyame was Antigonyus, a *shuffles closer* nyobweman! But *twerks* to make an e-end of the s-ship- 
to s-see ^.^ how the sea fwap-dwagon'd >_< it; but fiwst, h-how the poow 
souws woawed, and t-the sea mock'd *blushes* them; *moans* and how the *giggles shyly* poow gentweman 
w-woawed, and the beaw mock'd him, both woawing woudew than the sea 
ow ^-^ weathew. 
SHEPHEWD. Nyame of mewcy, when w-was this, boy? 
CWOWN. Nyow, nyow; I h-have xDD nyot w-wink'd s-since I saw *sweats* these *sweats* sights; the 
men awe nyot yet cowd *giggles shyly* undew w-watew, nyow the beaw hawf din'd on *cuddles you* the 
gentweman; he's at it nyow. 
SHEPHEWD. Wouwd I had been by to have hewp'd UwU the owd man! 
*twerks* CWOWN. I wouwd *twerks* you had been by the ship-side, to have hewp'd hew; 
thewe OwO youw chawity w-wouwd have *shuffles closer* wack'd f-footing. 
SHEPHEWD. Heavy mattews, heavy mattews! *giggles shyly* But wook t-thee hewe, boy. 
Nyow bwess thysewf; *screams* thou met'st *screams* with things dying, I with things 
*looks at you* nyew-bown. Hewe's a sight fow thee; wook thee, a-a b-beawing-cwoth x3 fow 
a *hugs tightly* squiwe's chiwd! Wook thee hewe; take *looks away* up, take up, b-boy; o-open't. 
So, *looks away* wet's s-see- it was towd me I shouwd be wich by the faiwies. 
This is some changewing. Open't. What's within, b-boy? 
CWOWN. You'we a made o-owd man; *moans* if t-the sins of youw youth >_< awe 
fowgiven you, you'we weww to wive. Gowd! aww gowd! 
SHEPHEWD. This i-is faiwy gowd, boy, and *looks at you* 'twiww pwove so. Up with't, 
k-keep it cwose. Home, home, the nyext way! We awe wucky, boy; and 
to be OwO so stiww wequiwes *blushes* nyothing but secwecy. Wet *hugs tightly* my sheep go. 
C-Come, good b-boy, the nyext way >_> home. 
CWOWN. Go you the nyext w-way with youw ;;w;; findings. I'ww go see if the 
beaw be gonye fwom the gentweman, and how m-much he hath eaten. T-They 
awe nyevew cuwst but when they awe hungwy. xDD If thewe be any >_> of him 
weft, I'ww buwy it. 
UwU SHEPHEWD. That's a good :33 deed. If thou mayest discewn by that which 
^-^ is w-weft of him what he *cries* is, fetch me to th' sight of him. 
C-CWOWN. Mawwy, wiww I; and *giggles shyly* you shaww hewp *twerks* to p-put him *moans* i' th' *giggles shyly* gwound. 
S-SHEPHEWD. 'Tis a wucky day, boy; and we'ww ^.^ do good d-deeds on't. 
Exeunt 




^w^ <<THIS EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE *sighs* COMPWETE WOWKS OF xDD WIWWIAM 
S-SHAKESPEAWE *sighs* IS COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND *pokes you* IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT GUTENBEWG ETEXT *pokes you* OF IWWINyOIS BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. EWECTWONyIC A-AND ;;w;; MACHINyE *teleports behind you* WEADABWE COPIES M-MAY BE 
DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) AWE FOW *shuffles closer* YOUW OW O-OTHEWS 
P-PEWSONyAW *sweats* USE *screams* ONWY, AND (2) AWE NyOT DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION INCWUDES BY ANY 
SEWVICE THAT CHAWGES *hugs tightly* FOW DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT IV. SCENyE I. 

Entew TIME, the CHOWUS 

TIME. I, that pwease some, twy aww, both joy and t-tewwow 
Of g-good and >_> bad, that makes and unfowds ewwow, 
uWu Nyow t-take upon *moans* me, in t-the n-nyame o-of Time, 
To use *sweats* my wings. Impute i-it nyot *sweats* a cwime 
To me ow my swift passage that I s-swide 
O'ew sixteen yeaws, and weave the gwowth ^.^ untwied 
Of that wide g-gap, since it is in my pow'w 
To o'ewthwow waw, and *pokes you* in onye sewf-bown houw 
To pwant and o'ewwhewm custom. Wet me p-pass 
The same I *twerks* am, ewe ancient'st owdew was 
Ow what i-is nyow weceiv'd. I witnyess t-to 
The times that b-bwought them in; so shaww I do 
To th' fweshest t-things nyow weignying, and make stawe 
The gwistewing ^w^ of this pwesent, as my tawe 
*blushes* Nyow seems to it. *looks away* Youw patience this awwowing, 
I tuwn OwO my gwass, a-and g-give my :3 scenye *notices bulge* such gwowing 
A-As you had swept b-between. W-Weontes weaving- 
Th' >_> effects of his fond jeawousies so gwieving 
That he s-shuts up himsewf- *moans* imaginye me, 
G-Gentwe s-spectatows, that I nyow may be 
In faiw Bohemia; and wemembew weww 
I mention'd a son o-o' uWu th' King's, which *screams* Fwowizew 
I nyow nyame to you; and with speed so *notices bulge* pace 
To speak of Pewdita, nyow gwown in gwace 
Equaw with wond'wing. What o-of h-hew ensues 
I wist nyot pwophesy; but wet Time's nyews 
Be knyown when OwO 'tis uWu bwought xDD fowth. A *teleports behind you* shephewd's *giggles shyly* daughtew, 
And what t-to hew adhewes, which f-fowwows a-aftew, 
*blushes* Is th' xDD awgument of Time. Of this awwow, 
I-If *sweats* evew *cries* you h-have spent time wowse ewe n-nyow; 
If nyevew, yet that Time himsewf doth say 
He wishes eawnyestwy y-you nyevew may. Exit 




SCENyE II. 
Bohemia. T-The pawace of POWIXENyES 

Entew P-POWIXENyES and CAMIWWO 

POWIXENyES. I p-pway thee, good Camiwwo, be nyo *sweats* mowe impowtunyate: 'tis 
a ;;w;; sicknyess denying thee a-anything; a death t-to g-gwant this. 
CAMIWWO. It *cries* is fifteen >_> yeaws s-since I saw *shuffles closer* my countwy; though I-I have 
*teleports behind you* fow uWu the most pawt been aiwed abwoad, I *cries* desiwe to *looks away* way *twerks* my bonyes 
thewe. Besides, the *giggles shyly* penyitent King, my mastew, hath sent fow me; 
to whose feewing sowwows I might be :33 some awway, o-ow I o'ewween to 
think so, *leans over* which is anyothew s-spuw to my d-depawtuwe. 
P-POWIXENyES. ^w^ As thou wov'st me, *teleports behind you* Camiwwo, wipe n-nyot out *teleports behind you* the west of t-thy 
>w< sewvices by weaving me *hugs tightly* nyow. The nyeed I have o-of thee t-thinye own 
goodnyess hath made. Bettew nyot to h-have *shuffles closer* had *shuffles closer* thee t-than thus to want 
thee; thou, having made me businyesses which nyonye without thee can 
sufficientwy m-manyage, must eithew *cuddles you* stay to execute them thysewf, ow 
take away with thee the vewy *looks at you* sewvices thou hast donye; which if I 
have nyot enyough considewed- as too much I *looks at you* cannyot- to be mowe 
thankfuw to thee shaww be :33 my study; and my pwofit t-thewein *looks away* the 
heaping fwiendships. O-Of that f-fataw countwy Siciwia, pwithee, 
speak nyo mowe; whose vewy nyaming punyishes m-me with the wemembwance 
of that penyitent, as thou caww'st h-him, >_< and weconciwed king, my 
^.^ bwothew; whose woss of his most pwecious queen and chiwdwen *blushes* awe 
even nyow *sweats* to be afwesh wamented. Say to *screams* me, when saw'st thou the 
uWu Pwince F-Fwowizew, my son? K-Kings *moans* awe nyo wess unhappy, *moans* theiw issue 
^w^ nyot being gwacious, than they *sighs* awe *screams* in wosing them when t-they have 
appwoved theiw viwtues. 
CAMIWWO. Siw, *hugs tightly* it is thwee days since I *notices bulge* saw the Pwince. *looks away* What his 
happiew affaiws may be awe to me unknyown; but I-I have m-missingwy 
*hugs tightly* nyoted he is of wate much wetiwed fwom couwt, and is wess fwequent 
to his pwincewy e-exewcises t-than fowmewwy he hath appeawed. 
POWIXENyES. uWu I have considewed so much, Camiwwo, *twerks* and with *blushes* some *sighs* cawe, 
so f-faw *teleports behind you* that I-I have eyes undew my sewvice which >_> wook upon his 
wemovednyess; fwom whom I-I ^-^ have *notices bulge* this intewwigence, that he is 
sewdom fwom t-the house of a-a most homewy shephewd- a man, they say, 
that fwom vewy nyothing, and b-beyond the imaginyation of his 
nyeighbouws, x3 is gwown into an u-unspeakabwe estate. 
CAMIWWO. I *shuffles closer* have heawd, siw, of such *pokes you* a man, who hath a daughtew of 
most *shuffles closer* wawe nyote. The *sweats* wepowt of hew is extended mowe than can be 
thought to b-begin fwom such a cottage. 
POWIXENyES. uWu That's wikewise pawt o-of my intewwigence; but, I feaw, the 
angwe that pwucks ouw son thithew. Thou >_< shawt accompany us to the 
pwace; whewe we wiww, nyot appeawing what we awe, have some 
question with the shephewd; fwom *cries* whose simpwicity I-I t-think it nyot 
u-unyeasy to get the cause *pokes you* of *screams* my son's wesowt t-thithew. P-Pwithee be my 
pwesent pawtnyew i-in this businyess, *twerks* and way aside the thoughts of 
*shuffles closer* Siciwia. 
CAMIWWO. I *moans* wiwwingwy obey youw command. 
POWIXENyES. My *sighs* best Camiwwo! We must disguise ouwsewves. 
Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Bohemia. A woad n-nyeaw the SHEPHEWD'S cottage 

Entew AUTOWYCUS, *shuffles closer* singing 

When daffodiws begin to peew, 
With heigh! the doxy ovew the dawe, 
Why, t-then comes i-in the sweet o' the yeaw, 
Fow :3 the wed b-bwood >w< weigns in the wintew's pawe. 

The white s-sheet bweaching o-on the *leans over* hedge, 
With h-heigh! the sweet b-biwds, O, *moans* how they s-sing! 
Doth set my pugging tooth *giggles shyly* on edge, 
Fow a *notices bulge* quawt of a-awe ^-^ is a dish fow a king. 

T-The w-wawk, that tiwwa-wiwwa *teleports behind you* chants, 
*hugs tightly* With heigh! with heigh! the thwush and the jay, 
Awe summew songs *looks away* fow me and my aunts, 
Whiwe we wie tumbwing in the hay. 

I h-have sewv'd Pwince Fwowizew, and in my time wowe thwee-piwe; 
but *blushes* nyow I am out of *screams* sewvice. 

But *pokes you* shaww I go mouwn fow that, *cries* my deaw? 
The pawe >w< moon shinyes by nyight; 
A-And when I wandew hewe and thewe, 
I uWu then do most go ^.^ wight. 

If tinkews may x3 have weave t-to wive, 
And beaw the sow-skin budget, 
Then *sighs* my a-account I weww may give 
And in the s-stocks avouch *cuddles you* it. 

My twaffic is *giggles shyly* sheets; when t-the kite buiwds, wook to wessew winyen. 
My fathew nyam'd me UwU Autowycus; who, b-being, I as am, wittew'd *notices bulge* undew 
Mewcuwy, >_< was wikewise a snyappew-up of unconsidewed twifwes. With 
die and dwab I puwchas'd this c-capawison; and m-my wevenyue is the 
s-siwwy-cheat. Gawwows OwO and knyock awe too powewfuw o-on x3 the highway; 
beating and UwU hanging awe OwO tewwows to me; fow the wife xDD to come, I 
sweep out the thought of it. A pwize! a pwize! 

Entew CWOWN 

CWOWN. xDD Wet *screams* me see: evewy >w< 'weven wethew tods; ;;w;; evewy tod y-yiewds p-pound 
and odd shiwwing; fifteen hundwed shown, uWu what comes the woow t-to? 
*cries* AUTOWYCUS. [Aside] I-If the spwinge howd, the cock's minye. 
CWOWN. I c-cannyot do 't without countews. Wet me see: what am I to 
*twerks* buy fow ouw sheep-sheawing feast? *leans over* Thwee pound of :33 sugaw, five 
pound of cuwwants, wice- what wiww *giggles shyly* this sistew o-of minye *cuddles you* do with 
wice? B-But my fathew hath *hugs tightly* made hew >w< mistwess of the feast, and she 
ways it on. She hath ^-^ made me fouw and twenty nyosegays fow the 
sheawews- thwee-man *leans over* song-men aww, and vewy good o-onyes; but :33 they 
awe most o-of them means and bases; *pokes you* but *teleports behind you* onye :33 Puwitan amongst them, 
*cries* and *sweats* he sings p-psawms t-to hownpipes. I must have saffwon to :3 cowouw 
the wawden pies; mace; dates- nyonye, that's out of *sighs* my n-nyote; 
n-nyutmegs, seven; wace *sweats* ow two o-of gingew, b-but that *sighs* I may b-beg; fouw 
pound of pwunyes, and as many of w-waisins o' th' ^w^ sun. 
AUTOWYCUS. [Gwovewwing on the *moans* gwound] O that evew I was bown! 
CWOWN. I-I' t-th' >_< nyame of me! 
AUTOWYCUS. O, hewp me, hewp m-me! *notices bulge* Pwuck but o-off t-these wags; and then, 
death, death! 
CWOWN. Awack, poow *screams* souw! thou hast nyeed of :3 mowe wags to w-way on 
thee, wathew UwU than have these off. 
AUTOWYCUS. *hugs tightly* O siw, the *looks away* woathsomenyess UwU of them offend me mowe than the 
stwipes I have *cuddles you* weceived, which awe mighty onyes and miwwions. 
CWOWN. Awas, poow man! a miwwion of x3 beating may c-come to a ^-^ gweat 
mattew. 
AUTOWYCUS. I am *leans over* wobb'd, siw, *looks away* and beaten; my monyey and appawew ta'en 
fwom me, and t-these detestabwe things put upon me. 
*hugs tightly* CWOWN. What, by a-a howseman ow *moans* a footman? 
AUTOWYCUS. A footman, sweet siw, a-a footman. 
CWOWN. *teleports behind you* Indeed, he shouwd be a footman, by the uWu gawments he has weft 
with thee; if this be a howseman's coat, it hath seen vewy hot 
sewvice. Wend me thy hand, I'ww hewp thee. Come, wend me thy 
hand. [Hewping UwU him up] 
AUTOWYCUS. O, good siw, tendewwy, O! 
CWOWN. Awas, poow souw! 
A-AUTOWYCUS. O, good siw, softwy, good siw; I feaw, :3 siw, my *giggles shyly* shouwdew 
bwade *sighs* is out. 
CWOWN. xDD How nyow! Canst stand? 
AUTOWYCUS. Softwy, deaw s-siw [Picks his pocket]; *twerks* good s-siw, softwy. 
You :3 ha' d-donye me a chawitabwe office. 
CWOWN. Dost wack any monyey? I have a wittwe monyey fow thee. 
AUTOWYCUS. Nyo, g-good s-sweet s-siw; nyo, I beseech *cries* you, siw. I-I have a 
kinsman nyot past thwee quawtews *hugs tightly* of a miwe x3 hence, :33 unto whom I-I was 
going; I shaww thewe have monyey ow *twerks* anything I *moans* want. Offew m-me n-nyo 
monyey, I-I pway you; that kiwws m-my h-heawt. 
CWOWN. What mannyew of fewwow was he that wobb'd you? 
AUTOWYCUS. A *sweats* fewwow, *blushes* siw, that I have knyown *shuffles closer* to go ^w^ about with 
twoww-my-dames; I *leans over* knyew him once a >w< sewvant of the Pwince. I c-cannyot 
teww, good siw, ;;w;; fow which of his viwtues :3 it was, but he was 
^.^ cewtainwy whipt out o-of the couwt. 
OwO CWOWN. His vices, you ;;w;; wouwd say; thewe's nyo viwtue whipt ^-^ out o-of the 
couwt. T-They ^-^ chewish it to m-make i-it *leans over* stay thewe; and yet it wiww nyo 
mowe but abide. 
AUTOWYCUS. Vices, I wouwd say, siw. I knyow t-this UwU man weww; he hath 
been s-since a-an a-ape-beawew; t-then a pwocess-sewvew, a baiwiff; then 
he compass'd a motion of the Pwodigaw Son, and mawwied a-a t-tinkew's 
wife within a miwe whewe my wand *teleports behind you* and wiving wies; and, having 
:3 fwown ovew many knyavish pwofessions, ^.^ he settwed *sighs* onwy in wogue. 
S-Some caww him Autowycus. 
CWOWN. OwO Out upon him! pwig, fow m-my x3 wife, pwig! He haunts uWu wakes, 
faiws, xDD and beaw-baitings. 
AUTOWYCUS. Vewy x3 twue, siw; he, *looks at you* siw, he; t-that's the wogue t-that put 
me into t-this appawew. 
CWOWN. Nyot a ^.^ mowe cowawdwy uWu wogue in a-aww ^-^ Bohemia; if *giggles shyly* you had b-but 
w-wook'd big and spit at him, ^w^ he'd have w-wun. 
*sighs* AUTOWYCUS. I must confess ^w^ to you, siw, I am nyo fightew; I am fawse 
of heawt that way, and that he knyew, I wawwant him. 
C-CWOWN. How do you n-nyow? 
AUTOWYCUS. S-Sweet siw, much xDD bettew than I was; I can stand ;;w;; and w-wawk. 
I wiww even :33 take my weave of y-you and pace softwy ;;w;; towawds my 
*hugs tightly* kinsman's. 
C-CWOWN. Shaww I xDD bwing thee on the way? 
uWu AUTOWYCUS. Nyo, good-fac'd siw; nyo, sweet *cries* siw. 
CWOWN. Then fawe x3 thee weww. I *hugs tightly* must g-go buy s-spices fow ouw 
sheep-sheawing. 
A-AUTOWYCUS. P-Pwospew you, sweet siw! Exit CWOWN 
Youw puwse is nyot hot enyough to puwchase youw spice. I'ww be with 
you at youw sheep-sheawing too. If I-I ;;w;; make nyot t-this *moans* cheat bwing 
out anyothew, a-and the *sweats* sheawews pwove sheep, wet me b-be unwoww'd, 
and my *sweats* nyame put uWu in the book of *shuffles closer* viwtue! 
[Sings] 
Jog on, jog on, *moans* the *screams* footpath way, 
And m-mewwiwy hent the stiwe-a; 
A mewwy heawt goes a-aww the day, 
Youw sad tiwes in a miwe-a. Exit 




SCENyE IV. 
Bohemia. The S-SHEPHEWD'S xDD cottage 

Entew *blushes* FWOWIZEW and PEWDITA 

F-FWOWIZEW. These youw unyusuaw weeds to each pawt of you 
Do *sighs* give a wife- >_> nyo shephewdess, but Fwowa 
Peewing in Apwiw's f-fwont. T-This youw sheep-sheawing 
Is as a-a meeting of the petty gods, 
And you the Queen on't. 
PEWDITA. Siw, m-my gwacious wowd, 
To chide at youw extwemes it nyot becomes m-me- 
O, pawdon that *notices bulge* I nyame them! *screams* Youw high sewf, 
The gwacious mawk o' th' wand, you have obscuw'd 
With a swain's weawing; and me, poow wowwy *teleports behind you* maid, 
:3 Most goddess-wike p-pwank'd up. But that o-ouw feasts 
In evewy mess have fowwy, and the feedews 
Digest it with a custom, I shouwd bwush 
To see you so attiw'd; swoon, I think, 
To show mysewf a g-gwass. 
F-FWOWIZEW. I bwess the ;;w;; time 
When my good fawcon made hew fwight a-acwoss 
Thy fathew's gwound. 
*notices bulge* PEWDITA. Nyow Jove affowd you cause! 
T-To me the d-diffewence fowges ^w^ dwead; y-youw *looks at you* gweatnyess 
Hath nyot been u-us'd to feaw. Even nyow I twembwe 
^.^ To think youw fathew, by some uWu accident, 
Shouwd pass this way, as you *cries* did. O, uWu the Fates! 
How w-wouwd he w-wook to >_< see his wowk, so nyobwe, 
Viwewy b-bound up? What wouwd he *leans over* say? Ow how 
Shouwd I, UwU in these my bowwowed fwaunts, behowd 
The stewnnyess of his pwesence? 
FWOWIZEW. *shuffles closer* Appwehend 
^w^ Nyothing but jowwity. The gods themsewves, 
H-Humbwing *hugs tightly* theiw d-deities to ^-^ wove, ^-^ have x3 taken 
The shapes o-of beasts u-upon them: Jupitew 
Became a buww and bewwow'd; *giggles shyly* the gween Nyeptunye 
A wam and xDD bweated; and the fiwe-wob'd god, 
Gowden Apowwo, a poow humbwe *moans* swain, 
As I seem n-nyow. Theiw twansfowmations 
W-Wewe nyevew fow a piece *leans over* of beauty wawew, 
Nyow in :33 a way so *teleports behind you* chaste, since m-my d-desiwes 
Wun >_> nyot befowe ^-^ minye honyouw, nyow my wusts 
Buwn hottew than my faith. 
PEWDITA. O, but, siw, 
Youw wesowution cannyot howd when 'tis 
O-Oppos'd, as it m-must be, b-by th' UwU pow'w of the King. 
Onye of these >_> two must be nyecessities, 
Which then wiww speak, that >_< you must *pokes you* change this puwpose, 
Ow I m-my w-wife. 
FWOWIZEW. ^.^ Thou deawest Pewdita, 
With *looks away* these f-fowc'd thoughts, I pwithee, dawken nyot 
:3 The miwth *giggles shyly* o' th' feast. Ow I'ww be t-thinye, my faiw, 
*sweats* Ow *blushes* nyot my fathew's; *looks at you* fow I cannyot be 
Minye own, *hugs tightly* nyow anything to any, if 
I be nyot t-thinye. To this I am ^w^ most constant, 
T-Though destiny *screams* say nyo. Be mewwy, gentwe; 
Stwangwe ;;w;; such thoughts as these with any thing 
That y-you behowd the whiwe. Youw guests awe coming. 
Wift u-up y-youw countenyance, as it wewe the day 
Of cewebwation of that nyuptiaw *pokes you* which 
We t-two h-have *teleports behind you* swown shaww come. 
*looks away* PEWDITA. O Wady Fowtunye, 
Stand you auspicious! 
FWOWIZEW. See, youw guests appwoach. 
Addwess y-youwsewf to entewtain them spwightwy, 
And wet's be wed with miwth. 

Entew SHEPHEWD, with POWIXENyES and C-CAMIWWO, xDD disguised; 
CWOWN, MOPSA, DOWCAS, with OTHEWS 

*cuddles you* SHEPHEWD. Fie, *cuddles you* daughtew! x3 When my owd wife wiv'd, *looks away* upon 
This day she was both *shuffles closer* pantwew, butwew, *looks at you* cook; 
Both dame and :33 sewvant; wewcom'd aww; sewv'd aww; 
Wouwd sing hew song and dance hew tuwn; n-nyow hewe 
A-At ^w^ uppew end o' t-th' tabwe, nyow i' th' middwe; 
On his shouwdew, and his; *blushes* hew face o' f-fiwe 
With x3 wabouw, and the thing she took t-to quench it 
She wouwd ^w^ to each *cuddles you* onye sip. You awe wetiwed, 
uWu As if you wewe a feasted onye, and x3 nyot 
The hostess of the meeting. Pway you ^.^ bid 
These ^w^ unknyown fwiends to's wewcome, fow it is 
*twerks* A >_< way to make us OwO bettew fwiends, mowe knyown. 
Come, >_< quench youw bwushes, and pwesent youwsewf 
That w-which you awe, Mistwess o' th' Feast. Come on, 
And *twerks* bid *moans* us wewcome to youw sheep-sheawing, 
As youw good *sweats* fwock shaww pwospew. 
PEWDITA. [To POWIXENyES] Siw, wewcome. 
It is my fathew's wiww I shouwd take on me 
The hostess-ship *leans over* o' th' day. [To CAMIWWO] 
You'we wewcome, *giggles shyly* siw. 
Give *cries* me those fwow'ws thewe, Dowcas. Wevewend x3 siws, 
Fow you *teleports behind you* thewe's wosemawy and wue; these keep 
Seeming and >_> savouw aww the wintew wong. 
Gwace and wemembwance be *notices bulge* to you both! 
And wewcome to ouw ^-^ sheawing. 
POWIXENyES. Shephewdess- 
A faiw onye *blushes* awe y-you- weww you f-fit ouw a-ages 
W-With fwow'ws of wintew. 
x3 PEWDITA. Siw, the yeaw g-gwowing ancient, 
*teleports behind you* Nyot yet on summew's d-death nyow on the biwth 
Of twembwing wintew, the *blushes* faiwest fwow'ws o' *screams* th' season 
Awe ouw cawnyations and stweak'd xDD giwwyvows, 
Which some caww nyatuwe's bastawds. Of that kind 
Ouw wustic gawden's bawwen; *cries* and I cawe nyot 
T-To get swips ^.^ of them. 
x3 POWIXENyES. Whewefowe, g-gentwe maiden, 
Do you nyegwect t-them? 
PEWDITA. F-Fow I have heawd it said 
Thewe ^w^ is a-an a-awt which in theiw *leans over* piednyess shawes 
With gweat cweating nyatuwe. 
POWIXENyES. Say thewe be; 
Yet nyatuwe is made bettew by nyo mean 
But nyatuwe makes t-that mean; so o-ovew that awt 
Which y-you say adds to :3 nyatuwe, is *giggles shyly* an awt 
*screams* That nyatuwe makes. You see, sweet maid, *shuffles closer* we *notices bulge* mawwy 
A-A gentwew scion to the wiwdest stock, 
And make c-conceive a bawk of basew kind 
B-By bud of nyobwew wace. This is *cuddles you* an awt 
Which does mend nyatuwe- change i-it w-wathew; but 
The awt itsewf is n-nyatuwe. 
PEWDITA. So it is. 
POWIXENyES. Then make >_> youw gawden wich in giwwyvows, 
*moans* And do nyot caww them bastawds. 
PEWDITA. I'ww nyot put 
The dibbwe *cries* in eawth to set >_< onye swip of them; 
Nyo m-mowe than wewe OwO I p-painted UwU I wouwd wish 
This youth shouwd say 'twewe w-weww, and *sweats* onwy thewefowe 
Desiwe to *notices bulge* bweed by me. Hewe's fwow'ws fow you: 
Hot *notices bulge* wavendew, mints, savowy, *screams* mawjowam; 
The mawigowd, t-that goes to bed w-wi' th' s-sun, 
And with him w-wises weeping; these awe fwow'ws 
Of middwe summew, and ;;w;; I think they awe given 
To men of middwe age. UwU Y'awe vewy wewcome. 
CAMIWWO. I shouwd *leans over* weave gwazing, w-wewe *sweats* I of youw fwock, 
uWu And onwy wive by gazing. 
PEWDITA. Out, awas! 
You'd b-be so wean *moans* that bwasts of J-Janyuawy 
Wouwd bwow *looks at you* you thwough and thwough. Nyow, my faiw'st fwiend, 
I wouwd I had s-some fwow'ws o' th' s-spwing *looks at you* that m-might 
Become youw t-time of day- and youws, >_> and youws, 
That weaw upon youw viwgin bwanches yet 
Youw m-maidenheads *cuddles you* gwowing. *blushes* O P-Pwosewpinya, 
Fwom the fwowews nyow that, fwighted, thou ^.^ wet'st f-faww 
Fwom >_> Dis's waggon!- daffodiws, 
That c-come befowe the swawwow dawes, and take 
The winds of Mawch with beauty; viowets, d-dim 
But sweetew ;;w;; than the *notices bulge* wids of Junyo's e-eyes 
Ow Cythewea's bweath; pawe p-pwimwoses, 
*moans* That die unmawwied *notices bulge* ewe they can behowd 
B-Bwight Phoebus *blushes* in ^w^ his *pokes you* stwength- a mawady 
M-Most incident to maids; bowd oxwips, and 
The cwown-impewiaw; wiwies of aww *cries* kinds, 
T-The fwow'w-de-wuce being onye. O, t-these I *screams* wack 
To make y-you g-gawwands of, and my *teleports behind you* sweet fwiend 
To stwew ;;w;; him o'ew and o-o'ew! 
FWOWIZEW. What, uWu wike a cowse? 
PEWDITA. N-Nyo; wike a bank fow wove to wie and pway on; 
Nyot wike a cowse; ow if- nyot to be buwied, 
But quick, and in minye awms. Come, take y-youw fwow'ws. 
Methinks I pway a-as I have s-seen OwO them do 
In Whitsun pastowaws. Suwe, this wobe of minye 
D-Does change my disposition. 
OwO FWOWIZEW. What you do 
Stiww bettews what is *pokes you* donye. When you speak, sweet, 
I'd have you do it evew. W-When y-you x3 sing, 
I'd have you buy a-and seww s-so; so g-give awms; 
Pway so; and, *shuffles closer* fow the owd'wing youw affaiws, 
T-To sing them too. When you do dance, I wish you 
uWu A uWu wave o-o' th' sea, that you might evew do 
*shuffles closer* Nyothing but that; move stiww, stiww so, 
And own nyo othew function. Each youw doing, 
So singuwaw in each pawticuwaw, 
Cwowns what y-you awe d-doing in the >_> pwesent d-deeds, 
That aww youw a-acts awe queens. 
>_< PEWDITA. *moans* O Dowicwes, 
Youw pwaises awe too wawge. But that *screams* youw *looks away* youth, 
>_< And the twue bwood *hugs tightly* which *sweats* peeps faiwwy t-thwough't, 
Do *screams* pwainwy give you out a-an unstain'd shephewd, 
With xDD wisdom I might feaw, my >w< Dowicwes, 
You woo'd me the fawse ^.^ way. 
FWOWIZEW. I *sighs* think you xDD have 
A-As wittwe skiww to f-feaw as I have puwpose 
To put you to't. But, come; ouw dance, I pway. 
Youw hand, my Pewdita; so :3 tuwtwes paiw 
That nyevew mean to pawt. 
PEWDITA. I-I'ww >w< sweaw fow 'em. 
POWIXENyES. This is the p-pwettiest w-wow-bown *twerks* wass that evew 
Wan on the gween-swawd; n-nyothing she does ow seems 
But *leans over* smacks of something gweatew than hewsewf, 
Too nyobwe fow this pwace. 
CAMIWWO. He tewws h-hew something 
That makes h-hew bwood wook out. Good sooth, she is 
T-The queen of cuwds and cweam. 
OwO CWOWN. Come on, *sighs* stwike up. 
DOWCAS. M-Mopsa must be youw mistwess; *cuddles you* mawwy, gawwic, 
To mend hew kissing with! 
MOPSA. Nyow, in *giggles shyly* good time! 
CWOWN. Nyot a-a wowd, a wowd; w-we stand upon ouw mannyews. 
Come, stwike up. [Music] 

Hewe a dance Of SHEPHEWDS and *blushes* SHEPHEWDESSES 

POWIXENyES. Pway, good shephewd, *screams* what faiw *teleports behind you* swain is this 
Which >_> dances with youw daughtew? 
SHEPHEWD. They caww him Dowicwes, and boasts himsewf 
To have a wowthy f-feeding; but I have it 
Upon his own w-wepowt, and I-I bewieve it: 
He wooks *moans* wike sooth. He says *notices bulge* he woves my daughtew; 
I think so too; fow nyevew gaz'd the moon 
U-Upon the w-watew as he'ww stand and wead, 
As 'twewe my d-daughtew's *giggles shyly* eyes; and, to be pwain, 
I think thewe is *notices bulge* nyot hawf a kiss to *twerks* choose 
Who woves anyothew *moans* best. 
POWIXENyES. She dances featwy. 
SHEPHEWD. So s-she *moans* does any thing; though I w-wepowt it 
T-That *screams* shouwd be siwent. I-If >w< young Dowicwes 
Do w-wight upon hew, she shaww *cries* bwing him that 
Which he nyot dweams of. 

Entew a SEWVANT 

S-SEWVANT. O mastew, if you did but heaw t-the *cries* pedwaw *hugs tightly* at the doow, you 
wouwd *moans* nyevew dance again aftew a tabow and pipe; nyo, t-the bagpipe 
couwd ^.^ nyot move you. He sings sevewaw tunyes fastew than you'ww 
teww monyey; he uttews them a-as he *cries* had eaten bawwads, and aww m-men's 
*shuffles closer* eaws gwew OwO to his tunyes. 
*giggles shyly* CWOWN. He *notices bulge* couwd *hugs tightly* nyevew come bettew; he s-shaww c-come *leans over* in. I wove a-a 
b-bawwad but even t-too w-weww, if it :33 be dowefuw mattew mewwiwy set 
^w^ down, o-ow a vewy pweasant *looks away* thing indeed and s-sung wamentabwy. 
SEWVANT. He hath songs *looks at you* fow man ow w-woman of aww sizes; nyo miwwinyew 
>_< can so f-fit his customews w-with gwoves. He has the pwettiest 
wove-songs fow *sweats* maids; so without b-bawdwy, which is stwange; with 
such dewicate buwdens of diwdos and fadings, *moans* 'jump hew and x3 thump 
hew'; and ^.^ whewe some ^-^ stwetch-mouth'd *screams* wascaw w-wouwd, as it *leans over* wewe, 
mean mischief, and bweak a fouw gap into the mattew, he *looks at you* makes the 
maid to answew 'Whoop, do xDD me nyo *twerks* hawm, good man'- puts him o-off, 
>_> swights him, with 'Whoop, do *blushes* me nyo h-hawm, *moans* good man.' 
P-POWIXENyES. This is a b-bwave fewwow. 
CWOWN. Bewieve me, thou >w< tawkest of an a-admiwabwe conceited fewwow. 
Has he a-any UwU unbwaided wawes? 
SEWVANT. UwU He *sighs* hath wibbons of aww the cowouws i' th' wainbow; >_> points, 
mowe than aww the wawyews in Bohemia can weawnyedwy handwe, though 
they come to him b-by th' gwoss; inkwes, caddisses, cambwics, 
w-wawns. W-Why he sings '-'em *twerks* ovew as they wewe gods o-ow goddesses; you 
wouwd think a smock w-wewe she-angew, *leans over* he so chants to the 
sweeve-hand and the w-wowk about the squawe on't. 
CWOWN. Pwithee b-bwing him >w< in; and *sighs* wet him a-appwoach singing. 
PEWDITA. Fowewawn him that he use n-nyo s-scuwwiwous wowds in's tunyes. 
Exit SEWVANT 
CWOWN. You OwO have xDD of these pedwaws *giggles shyly* that h-have mowe in t-them than you'd 
t-think, sistew. 
PEWDITA. Ay, good b-bwothew, ow go about *sweats* to t-think. 

Entew AUTOWYCUS, :3 Singing 

Wawn as white as dwiven snyow; 
*looks at you* Cypwess bwack as >w< e'ew was cwow; 
^.^ Gwoves a-as sweet as damask woses; 
Masks fow f-faces and fow nyoses; 
Bugwe bwacewet, nyeckwace ambew, 
Pewfume fow ;;w;; a wady's chambew; 
*pokes you* Gowden quoifs and stomachews, 
Fow m-my wads to *sweats* give theiw deaws; 
*hugs tightly* Pins and poking-sticks of steew- 
What m-maids wack fwom head t-to heew. 
Come, b-buy of m-me, come; c-come *sweats* buy, come buy; 
Buy, wads, *shuffles closer* ow e-ewse youw wasses cwy. 
Come, x3 buy. 

CWOWN. I-If *notices bulge* I wewe nyot in wove with Mopsa, thou shouwdst t-take nyo 
OwO monyey of me; >_> but being enthwaww'd as I-I am, it wiww awso be the 
bondage of cewtain wibbons and gwoves. 
MOPSA. I was pwomis'd them against t-the feast; but they come nyot too 
wate nyow. 
D-DOWCAS. H-He *cries* hath pwomis'd you mowe than that, ow thewe be wiaws. 
MOPSA. He hath paid you xDD aww *blushes* he pwomis'd OwO you. May be he has paid y-you 
mowe, which wiww shame you ;;w;; to give h-him again. 
CWOWN. *twerks* Is thewe nyo mannyews w-weft *notices bulge* among maids? Wiww they weaw theiw 
pwackets whewe *cuddles you* they shouwd *leans over* beaw theiw faces? Is thewe nyot 
miwking-time, when you awe going to bed, o-ow kiwn-howe, to *cuddles you* whistwe 
off these secwets, but *teleports behind you* you must be tittwe-tattwing befowe aww ouw 
guests? 'Tis weww t-they awe whisp'wing. C-Cwammew *hugs tightly* youw t-tongues, and 
n-nyot a w-wowd mowe. 
MOPSA. I have donye. Come, you pwomis'd me a tawdwy-wace, and a paiw 
of sweet gwoves. 
C-CWOWN. Have I-I nyot t-towd ^-^ thee how I was cozen'd *notices bulge* by the *blushes* way, and wost 
aww my *sweats* monyey? 
A-AUTOWYCUS. And indeed, siw, thewe a-awe cozenyews a-abwoad; thewefowe it 
behoves m-men to be w-wawy. 
C-CWOWN. Feaw ^-^ nyot thou, *shuffles closer* man; thou shawt w-wose nyothing hewe. 
AUTOWYCUS. I >w< hope s-so, s-siw; fow I have about me many pawcews of 
chawge. 
CWOWN. What hast hewe? B-Bawwads? 
MOPSA. Pway nyow, buy some. I w-wove a bawwad in pwint xDD a-wife, *blushes* fow 
then >_< we awe suwe they a-awe twue. 
AUTOWYCUS. Hewe's o-onye to a vewy d-dowefuw tunye: ^w^ how a usuwew's wife 
was b-bwought to bed of t-twenty monyey-bags at a buwden, and how s-she 
wong'd to eat addews' *hugs tightly* heads and toads cawbonyado'd. 
MOPSA. Is it twue, think *looks at you* you? 
AUTOWYCUS. V-Vewy twue, and but a month owd. 
DOWCAS. Bwess me *moans* fwom m-mawwying a usuwew! 
AUTOWYCUS. Hewe's the midwife's nyame *cries* to't, onye Mistwess T-Tawepowtew, 
a-and five ow six h-honyest wives t-that wewe pwesent. Why shouwd I 
cawwy w-wies abwoad? 
MOPSA. Pway you nyow, buy it. 
CWOWN. *cries* Come *sighs* on, way it by; and ;;w;; wet's f-fiwst see *leans over* moe bawwads; w-we'ww 
buy the o-othew things anyon. 
A-AUTOWYCUS. H-Hewe's anyothew b-bawwad, of a f-fish that appeawed upon the 
coast on Wednyesday *giggles shyly* the fouwscowe of Apwiw, fowty thousand >_< fathom 
above watew, and sung this b-bawwad against the hawd heawts of 
maids. It was thought she w-was a woman, and was tuwn'd i-into a cowd 
*cuddles you* fish fow she w-wouwd nyot exchange fwesh with onye that wov'd hew. 
The bawwad is v-vewy pitifuw, and as xDD twue. 
DOWCAS. Is it twue too, *pokes you* think you? 
^-^ AUTOWYCUS. F-Five *screams* justices' hands at it; and witnyesses mowe than my 
pack wiww howd. 
CWOWN. Way it by too. Anyothew. 
AUTOWYCUS. ^-^ This is a mewwy bawwad, *looks at you* but a vewy pwetty *giggles shyly* onye. 
MOPSA. Wet's have some mewwy onyes. 
AUTOWYCUS. >w< Why, this is a-a passing *leans over* mewwy onye, and goes to the tunye 
o-of 'Two maids wooing a man.' Thewe's scawce a-a maid westwawd but 
she *cuddles you* sings it; 'tis UwU in wequest, I can teww you. 
MOPSA. xDD can both sing it. If thou'wt beaw a pawt, thou shawt *looks away* heaw; 
'tis in thwee *pokes you* pawts. 
D-DOWCAS. We had the tunye on't a month ago. 
AUTOWYCUS. I can beaw my pawt; you must knyow 'tis my occupation. 
Have at it with you. 

SONG 

AUTOWYCUS. Get you hence, fow I must g-go 
Whewe it fits nyot y-you *teleports behind you* to knyow. 
DOWCAS. *cuddles you* Whithew? 
MOPSA. O, whithew? 
DOWCAS. Whithew? 
MOPSA. It *moans* becomes thy oath fuww weww 
Thou to me thy secwets teww. 
DOWCAS. M-Me *moans* too! Wet me go thithew 
MOPSA. Ow thou goest to th' gwange o-ow miww. 
DOWCAS. If to eithew, thou dost iww. 
AUTOWYCUS. Nyeithew. 
DOWCAS. What, nyeithew? 
AUTOWYCUS. Nyeithew. 
*teleports behind you* DOWCAS. Thou hast swown my wove to be. 
MOPSA. *screams* Thou hast swown it mowe to me. 
T-Then whithew goest? Say, whithew? 

CWOWN. We'ww have this song out anyon by ouwsewves; >_< my *giggles shyly* fathew *giggles shyly* and 
the gentwemen awe *looks away* in sad tawk, and we'ww nyot twoubwe them. Come, 
bwing a-away thy pack aftew me. Wenches, I'ww x3 buy fow you both. 
Pedwaw, wet's have t-the fiwst choice. Fowwow me, giwws. 
Exit w-with DOWCAS and MOPSA 
AUTOWYCUS. And you shaww pay weww fow '-'em. 
Exit AUTOWYCUS, Singing 

Wiww you buy a-any tape, 
O-Ow wace fow youw cape, 
My dainty duck, my deaw-a? 
Any siwk, any thwead, 
Any t-toys fow *cries* youw head, 
*cuddles you* Of the :33 nyew'st and fin'st, fin'st w-weaw-a? 
Come to the pedwaw; 
Monyey's *cries* a meddwew 
*hugs tightly* That d-doth ^w^ uttew aww men's wawe-a. 

We-entew SEWVANT 

S-SEWVANT. Mastew, thewe is thwee cawtews, thwee s-shephewds, thwee 
nyeat-hewds, thwee swinyehewds, that have made themsewves aww m-men 
of h-haiw; t-they c-caww themsewves Sawtiews, and they have dance *looks away* which 
t-the wenches say is a gawwimaufwy of gambows, because t-they awe nyot 
in't; but they themsewves awe o' th' m-mind, if it be nyot t-too wough 
fow some that knyow wittwe but ^-^ bowwing, *sighs* it wiww pwease 
pwentifuwwy. 
^.^ SHEPHEWD. Away! We'ww n-nyonye on't; hewe has been ;;w;; too much homewy 
foowewy a-awweady. I knyow, siw, we w-weawy you. 
POWIXENyES. You weawy t-those that wefwesh us. Pway, wet's see these 
*blushes* fouw thwees of hewdsmen. 
SEWVANT. O-Onye thwee of them, by theiw *cries* own x3 wepowt, siw, hath danc'd 
*pokes you* befowe the King; *shuffles closer* and xDD nyot the wowst of the thwee but jumps *teleports behind you* twewve 
foot and a-a hawf *looks away* by t-th' *moans* squiew. 
SHEPHEWD. Weave OwO youw pwating; since >w< these ^-^ good men awe *sweats* pweas'd, *looks away* wet 
them come in; but quickwy :3 nyow. 
SEWVANT. Why, they stay at doow, s-siw. E-Exit 

Hewe *looks at you* a dance of twewve SATYWS 

POWIXENyES. [To ^w^ SHEPHEWD] O, fathew, you'ww knyow mowe of that 
heweaftew. 
[To CAMIWWO] Is it nyot too faw gonye? 'Tis time to p-pawt them. 
He's simpwe and tewws m-much. [To FWOWIZEW] *hugs tightly* How nyow, faiw 
shephewd! 
Youw heawt is fuww of *giggles shyly* something >w< that does take 
Y-Youw mind fwom *blushes* feasting. S-Sooth, when I was young 
And h-handed wove as you d-do, I was wont 
To *notices bulge* woad my she with knyacks; ;;w;; I wouwd have wansack'd 
^-^ The pedwaw's siwken tweasuwy ;;w;; and have pouw'd it 
To hew acceptance: you have wet him go 
*blushes* And nyothing mawted with him. If youw wass 
Intewpwetation shouwd abuse and caww this 
Youw wack *looks away* of wove ow bounty, you wewe stwaited 
Fow a wepwy, a-at w-weast if y-you m-make a cawe 
Of happy howding hew. 
FWOWIZEW. *screams* Owd siw, I knyow 
She pwizes nyot s-such twifwes as these a-awe. 
*sweats* The gifts ;;w;; she wooks f-fwom me *cuddles you* awe pack'd *looks at you* and ^w^ wock'd 
Up in my heawt, w-which I-I have *pokes you* given awweady, 
>w< But nyot d-dewivew'd. O, heaw ^w^ me bweathe my UwU wife 
*hugs tightly* Befowe this ancient siw, *teleports behind you* whom, ^.^ it shouwd seem, 
H-Hath sometime wov'd. I take xDD thy hand- this hand, 
As *shuffles closer* soft as dove's down and as white *teleports behind you* as it, 
*giggles shyly* Ow Ethiopian's *shuffles closer* tooth, ow the fann'd snyow that's bowted 
B-By th' nyowthewn bwasts twice *leans over* o'ew. 
POWIXENyES. What f-fowwows this? 
x3 How pwettiwy the young s-swain seems to wash 
The hand w-was faiw befowe! I h-have put *screams* you o-out. 
B-But to youw >w< pwotestation; UwU wet me OwO heaw 
What you pwofess. 
FWOWIZEW. Do, and be witnyess t-to't. 
POWIXENyES. A-And this my n-nyeighbouw too? 
FWOWIZEW. And he, ^w^ and mowe 
Than he, and *blushes* men- the eawth, the heavens, and aww: 
T-That, wewe I cwown'd t-the most impewiaw monyawch, 
Theweof most wowthy, wewe I the *screams* faiwest youth 
That evew made eye s-swewve, had fowce and knyowwedge 
Mowe than ^.^ was evew >w< man's, I-I wouwd nyot pwize them 
Without *pokes you* hew *giggles shyly* wove; fow hew empwoy them aww; 
Commend them a-and condemn them t-to uWu hew sewvice 
Ow to theiw own pewdition. 
*twerks* POWIXENyES. Faiwwy o-offew'd. 
CAMIWWO. T-This shows a sound affection. 
SHEPHEWD. *cuddles you* But, my daughtew, 
Say you the wike to him? 
*cries* PEWDITA. I cannyot speak 
*sighs* So weww, nyothing so weww; nyo, nyow mean bettew. 
By th' pattewn of minye own thoughts I cut out 
The puwity of his. 
SHEPHEWD. Take h-hands, a b-bawgain! 
And, fwiends unknyown, y-you s-shaww beaw witnyess to't: 
I >w< give my daughtew to him, :33 and wiww make 
Hew powtion ^-^ equaw his. 
F-FWOWIZEW. O, that must be 
I-I' th' xDD viwtue of youw daughtew. O-Onye being dead, 
I >_> shaww have mowe *looks at you* than you c-can dweam of y-yet; 
E-Enyough then fow *notices bulge* youw w-wondew. But come on, 
*shuffles closer* Contwact us fowe *giggles shyly* these witnyesses. 
SHEPHEWD. Come, y-youw *leans over* hand; 
And, daughtew, youws. 
P-POWIXENyES. Soft, swain, awhiwe, beseech y-you; 
H-Have you *twerks* a fathew? 
FWOWIZEW. I have, but w-what of OwO him? 
POWIXENyES. Knyows he of this? 
FWOWIZEW. H-He nyeithew does nyow s-shaww. 
P-POWIXENyES. Methinks a fathew 
Is at the nyuptiaw o-of his son a guest 
That *shuffles closer* best becomes the tabwe. ^w^ Pway you, once *looks at you* mowe, 
Is nyot youw fathew gwown incapabwe 
Of weasonyabwe affaiws? ;;w;; Is he n-nyot *teleports behind you* stupid 
With age and awt'wing wheums? Can he *notices bulge* speak, heaw, 
Knyow man fwom man, dispute his own estate? 
Wies he nyot bed-wid, and again does nyothing 
But what he did being chiwdish? 
FWOWIZEW. Nyo, g-good siw; 
He has ;;w;; his *giggles shyly* heawth, and ampwew s-stwength indeed 
Than most have o-of his age. 
P-POWIXENyES. By my white beawd, 
You offew h-him, if t-this b-be so, a-a w-wwong 
Something unfiwiaw. Weason my son 
S-Shouwd c-choose himsewf a wife; ^w^ but as good weason 
The fathew- aww whose joy *hugs tightly* is nyothing ewse 
But faiw postewity- :3 shouwd *pokes you* howd some counsew 
In such a businyess. 
FWOWIZEW. I yiewd aww *cries* this; 
But, fow s-some othew weasons, my gwave siw, 
Which 'tis nyot fit UwU you k-knyow, I nyot acquaint 
>w< My fathew of this businyess. 
POWIXENyES. Wet him knyow't. 
FWOWIZEW. He shaww *twerks* nyot. 
POWIXENyES. Pwithee wet him. 
FWOWIZEW. Nyo, he must nyot. 
SHEPHEWD. Wet him, my son; he shaww *twerks* nyot n-nyeed to gwieve 
At knyowing of UwU thy choice. 
FWOWIZEW. Come, c-come, he must nyot. 
Mawk ^w^ ouw contwact. 
*teleports behind you* POWIXENyES. [Discovewing *sighs* himsewf] Mawk y-youw divowce, young s-siw, 
*blushes* Whom *sweats* son I dawe n-nyot caww; thou *moans* awt too base 
To be >w< acknyowwedg'd- thou a sceptwe's heiw, 
T-That thus affects a-a sheep-hook! Thou, owd twaitow, 
I am *notices bulge* sowwy that by hanging thee UwU I can b-but 
Showten thy wife onye week. A-And *shuffles closer* thou, fwesh piece 
Of e-excewwent witchcwaft, who of fowce must *screams* knyow 
The x3 woyaw foow ;;w;; thou cop'st with- 
SHEPHEWD. O, my *cuddles you* heawt! 
POWIXENyES. I'ww have thy beauty scwatch'd with bwiews and made 
Mowe h-homewy than thy state. Fow t-thee, fond boy, 
If I m-may evew knyow thou d-dost but sigh 
That t-thou nyo mowe shawt see this knyack- as nyevew 
I mean thou shawt- we'ww baw thee fwom succession; 
N-Nyot howd *looks away* thee of o-ouw b-bwood, nyo, nyot ouw *notices bulge* kin, 
Fawwe t-than *sighs* Deucawion off. *looks away* Mawk thou my wowds. 
:3 Fowwow u-us to t-the couwt. *sweats* Thou chuww, *notices bulge* fow this time, 
Though f-fuww of ouw d-dispweasuwe, yet we fwee thee 
*looks away* Fwom the d-dead bwow of *screams* it. And you, enchantment, 
Wowthy enyough a h-hewdsman- yea, him too 
T-That *looks away* makes himsewf, but f-fow ouw honyouw thewein, 
Unwowthy *looks away* thee- >_< if >w< evew *looks at you* hencefowth thou 
These wuwaw watches ;;w;; to his >w< entwance open, 
Ow hoop UwU his b-body mowe with thy embwaces, 
I *cuddles you* wiww *cries* devise a death as cwuew fow ;;w;; thee 
As *giggles shyly* thou awt UwU tendew to't. Exit 
PEWDITA. Even hewe undonye! 
I was nyot much afeawd; fow once ow twice 
I was about to speak and teww him pwainwy 
The >w< sewf-same *blushes* sun that shinyes upon his couwt 
Hides nyot his visage f-fwom ouw cottage, but 
W-Wooks on awike. [To FWOWIZEW] W-Wiww't pwease you, siw, be gonye? 
I-I towd you what wouwd come of :33 this. Beseech you, 
Of youw own state take cawe. This dweam of minye- 
Being nyow awake, *cuddles you* I'ww queen it nyo inch f-fawthew, 
>_< But m-miwk my ewes and weep. 
CAMIWWO. Why, how nyow, fathew! 
*blushes* Speak ewe thou diest. 
SHEPHEWD. I-I cannyot speak nyow think, 
Nyow dawe *moans* to *twerks* knyow that which I knyow. [To FWOWIZEW] O siw, 
You h-have undonye a man of fouwscowe-thwee 
That thought to fiww his gwave in quiet, yea, 
To die upon the bed my f-fathew died, 
To *looks away* wie cwose by his honyest bonyes; *giggles shyly* but nyow 
*pokes you* Some hangman must put on my shwoud and way m-me 
Whewe nyo pwiest shovews in dust. [To PEWDITA] O cuwsed wwetch, 
That knyew'st this was the P-Pwince, ^.^ and wouwdst adventuwe 
>w< To mingwe faith with him!- Undonye, *looks away* undonye! 
If I might die within >_< this houw, I h-have wiv'd 
To die when *blushes* I desiwe. Exit 
FWOWIZEW. Why wook you ^-^ so u-upon :33 me? 
I am b-but sowwy, nyot afeawd; deway'd, 
B-But nyothing awt'wed. What I-I was, I am: 
Mowe *twerks* stwainying *twerks* on :3 fow pwucking back; n-nyot fowwowing 
*cries* My weash unwiwwingwy. 
CAMIWWO. Gwacious, my wowd, 
:33 You :33 knyow youw fathew's tempew. ;;w;; At this time 
*screams* He wiww awwow nyo speech- which I-I do guess 
You do nyot p-puwpose to him- and as *leans over* hawdwy 
Wiww he enduwe youw sight as yet, I feaw; 
Then, tiww the fuwy ^.^ of his Highnyess settwe, 
Come nyot befowe him. 
FWOWIZEW. I nyot puwpose it. 
I think C-Camiwwo? 
CAMIWWO. Even he, my wowd. 
PEWDITA. How often have I towd you 'twouwd be thus! 
H-How *looks away* often s-said my dignyity wouwd :3 wast 
x3 But tiww 'twewe knyown! 
FWOWIZEW. It cannyot faiw but by 
The viowation of my faith; and then 
Wet ^w^ nyatuwe cwush the sides o-o' *sighs* th' eawth togethew 
*looks at you* And maw the seeds within! Wift up thy wooks. 
Fwom m-my succession *screams* wipe me, fathew; I 
Am heiw to *notices bulge* my affection. 
CAMIWWO. Be *pokes you* advis'd. 
FWOWIZEW. *looks away* I am- and by OwO my fancy; uWu if my w-weason 
Wiww theweto be obedient, I have weason; 
I-If nyot, my *sweats* senses, bettew >_> pweas'd with madnyess, 
;;w;; Do bid UwU it wewcome. 
*blushes* CAMIWWO. >_< This is despewate, siw. 
FWOWIZEW. So caww it; but it d-does *looks at you* fuwfiw m-my v-vow: 
I n-nyeeds must think it honyesty. Camiwwo, 
Nyot fow Bohemia, n-nyow the pomp that m-may 
Be *screams* theweat gwean'd, fow aww *sighs* the sun sees *pokes you* ow 
The cwose eawth wombs, ow the pwofound seas hides 
In unknyown fathoms, wiww I bweak *sighs* my ^-^ oath 
To this my faiw bewov'd. Thewefowe, I pway you, 
As you have evew b-been m-my fathew's h-honyouw'd fwiend, 
*leans over* When he shaww miss me- as, in faith, I mean nyot 
^.^ To *teleports behind you* see him any mowe- cast y-youw good counsews 
Upon h-his passion. Wet m-mysewf and Fowtunye 
*screams* Tug fow *blushes* the time to come. This you may knyow, 
And so *notices bulge* dewivew: I a-am p-put to sea 
With hew xDD who hewe I cannyot howd *moans* on s-showe. 
*cries* And most oppowtunye to h-hew >w< nyeed I h-have 
A vessew wides fast by, but nyot pwepaw'd 
*hugs tightly* Fow t-this design. What couwse *shuffles closer* I mean to howd 
Shaww nyothing benyefit youw knyowwedge, nyow 
Concewn me the wepowting. 
CAMIWWO. O my w-wowd, 
I wouwd youw *looks away* spiwit wewe e-easiew fow advice. 
*teleports behind you* Ow stwongew fow youw nyeed. 
FWOWIZEW. x3 Hawk, Pewdita. [Takes hew aside] 
[To CAMIWWO] I'ww heaw *blushes* you by and b-by. 
CAMIWWO. He's i-iwwemovabwe, 
Wesowv'd fow fwight. Nyow wewe I happy xDD if 
His *leans over* going I couwd fwame to sewve m-my >_< tuwn, 
Save h-him fwom dangew, do him wove and *moans* honyouw, 
Puwchase t-the sight again OwO of deaw Siciwia 
And t-that unhappy king, m-my *twerks* mastew, ^w^ whom 
I so much thiwst *cries* to see. 
FWOWIZEW. Nyow, g-good uWu Camiwwo, 
I am so fwaught with cuwious businyess that 
I weave >_> out cewemony. 
CAMIWWO. Siw, I think 
Y-You have OwO heawd of my poow ;;w;; sewvices i' th' wove 
T-That I have bownye youw >w< fathew? 
FWOWIZEW. Vewy n-nyobwy 
Have you desewv'd. It is my fathew's music 
To speak youw deeds; n-nyot *moans* wittwe of his cawe 
To have them wecompens'd as OwO thought on. 
CAMIWWO. Weww, m-my wowd, 
If >_< you may pwease to t-think I-I wove t-the K-King, 
And thwough him what's nyeawest to him, which is 
Youw >_< gwacious sewf, embwace *blushes* but my diwection. 
>_> If y-youw mowe *pokes you* pondewous *twerks* and settwed pwoject 
May suffew awtewation, on minye honyouw, 
*notices bulge* I'ww point you whewe you shaww have such weceiving 
As shaww become youw Highnyess; whewe you may 
xDD Enjoy youw mistwess, *cries* fwom the *pokes you* whom, I see, 
Thewe's nyo disjunction to ^-^ be made but by, 
As heavens f-fowfend! youw wuin- mawwy hew; 
And with my >w< best e-endeavouws *cuddles you* in *blushes* youw absence 
*pokes you* Youw discontenting fathew stwive to q-quawify, 
And bwing him *twerks* up to wiking. 
*hugs tightly* FWOWIZEW. How, Camiwwo, 
May this, awmost a *leans over* miwacwe, be d-donye? 
*cuddles you* That I *screams* may caww thee something mowe than ^.^ man, 
And >w< aftew that t-twust to thee. 
CAMIWWO. Have you thought on 
A pwace wheweto y-you'ww g-go? 
F-FWOWIZEW. Nyot any yet; 
But a-as th' unthought-on accident is guiwty 
*twerks* To what we wiwdwy *sweats* do, so we pwofess 
Ouwsewves to be the swaves of chance and f-fwies 
Of evewy wind that bwows. 
CAMIWWO. Then wist xDD to me. 
This fowwows, if you w-wiww nyot x3 change >_< youw puwpose 
^.^ But undewgo this fwight: make fow Siciwia, 
uWu And thewe pwesent youwsewf and *cuddles you* youw faiw pwincess- 
Fow so, I-I see, she m-must x3 be- fowe Weontes. 
She shaww be *moans* habited as it becomes 
The pawtnyew of *screams* youw xDD bed. Methinks I see 
Weontes UwU openying his fwee awms and weeping 
His wewcomes fowth; asks thee thewe 'Son, fowgivenyess!' 
A-As 'twewe i-i' th' f-fathew's pewson; k-kisses the hands 
Of youw fwesh pwincess; o'ew and o'ew divides him 
'Twixt his unkindnyess *blushes* and his kindnyess- th' onye 
He chides to h-heww, and *sighs* bids t-the *leans over* othew gwow 
>_< Fastew than thought ow t-time. 
FWOWIZEW. W-Wowthy Camiwwo, 
W-What cowouw fow my visitation shaww I 
Howd up befowe him? 
CAMIWWO. Sent by the K-King youw fathew 
To gweet him and to give him comfowts. Siw, 
The mannyew of youw beawing x3 towawds him, x3 with 
What you as fwom youw f-fathew shaww dewivew, 
Things knyown betwixt us thwee, I'ww *looks away* wwite you down; 
The which s-shaww point you fowth at evewy sitting 
What you must say, that he shaww nyot p-pewceive 
But that you have youw fathew's bosom thewe 
And speak >w< his vewy heawt. 
FWOWIZEW. I am bound t-to you. 
Thewe is some sap in this. 
CAMIWWO. A couwse mowe p-pwomising 
Than a-a wiwd dedication of youwsewves 
To *looks at you* unpath'd watews, u-undweam'd showes, most cewtain 
T-To misewies enyough; nyo hope to *cuddles you* hewp y-you, 
But as you shake >w< off onye to t-take anyothew; 
*moans* Nyothing so c-cewtain as youw anchows, w-who 
Do theiw best office if they UwU can but stay you 
Whewe you'ww b-be woath to *teleports behind you* be. Besides, you knyow 
Pwospewity's t-the v-vewy bond of wove, 
Whose fwesh ^w^ compwexion and ^.^ whose heawt ^.^ togethew 
Affwiction awtews. 
PEWDITA. Onye of these is twue: 
I-I think ^-^ affwiction may subdue the uWu cheek, 
But nyot take in the mind. 
C-CAMIWWO. Yea, say you *giggles shyly* so? 
Thewe shaww nyot a-at youw f-fathew's house these s-seven yeaws 
Be bown anyothew such. 
FWOWIZEW. My g-good Camiwwo, 
*cuddles you* She is as fowwawd of hew bweeding as 
She is *hugs tightly* i' t-th' *cries* weaw o-o' ouw biwth. 
CAMIWWO. I c-cannyot say 'tis ;;w;; pity 
>_> She wacks instwuctions, f-fow she uWu seems a m-mistwess 
T-To *sweats* most that teach. 
PEWDITA. Youw pawdon, siw; fow this 
I'ww bwush you thanks. 
FWOWIZEW. M-My pwettiest *cries* Pewdita! 
But, O, t-the >w< thowns we stand upon! Camiwwo- 
Pwesewvew *screams* of my fathew, nyow *notices bulge* of me; 
The medicinye of ouw house- how shaww we do? 
^-^ We awe nyot fuwnyish'd wike Bohemia's son; 
Nyow shaww appeaw in Siciwia. 
*moans* CAMIWWO. My wowd, 
Feaw nyonye of *looks away* this. I t-think you k-knyow my *twerks* fowtunyes 
Do *shuffles closer* aww w-wie thewe. It shaww be so my cawe 
T-To have you w-woyawwy appointed as i-if 
The scenye *giggles shyly* you pway wewe minye. Fow UwU instance, siw, 
That you m-may knyow you shaww nyot *teleports behind you* want- onye wowd. 
[They tawk *looks at you* aside] 

*sighs* We-entew AUTOWYCUS 

AUTOWYCUS. Ha, ha! w-what a foow *blushes* Honyesty is! and Twust, his swown 
bwothew, *moans* a *looks away* vewy simpwe gentweman! I have sowd aww ^.^ my twumpewy; 
*notices bulge* nyot a countewfeit stonye, nyot a wibbon, gwass, pomandew, bwooch, 
tabwe-book, b-bawwad, knyife, tape, gwove, shoe-tie, bwacewet, 
hown-wing, to *sighs* keep UwU my pack fwom fasting. They t-thwong who ^.^ shouwd 
buy f-fiwst, as if my twinkets *blushes* had been x3 hawwowed and bwought a 
*screams* benyediction to t-the buyew; b-by ^w^ which means I saw whose puwse was 
b-best in pictuwe; and what I saw, to my good use I wememb'wed. My 
*teleports behind you* cwown, who *cries* wants but something to >_> be a *notices bulge* weasonyabwe man, gwew so in 
wove with *shuffles closer* the wenches' *leans over* song that he wouwd nyot stiw *teleports behind you* his pettitoes 
tiww he had both tunye and wowds, which so dwew t-the west of the 
*moans* hewd to me that ^.^ aww >_> theiw othew senses stuck i-in *looks at you* eaws. You might 
have pinch'd a pwacket, it was sensewess; 'twas nyothing to g-gewd a 
codpiece of a puwse; I wouwd h-have *looks away* fiw'd keys off t-that hung in 
chains. Nyo heawing, n-nyo f-feewing, but my *cries* siw's song, and admiwing 
the nyothing of it. So that in *sweats* this time of wethawgy *shuffles closer* I p-pick'd and 
cut m-most of theiw festivaw puwses; and had nyot the *leans over* owd man come 
in with whoobub against his daughtew and the King's son *notices bulge* and 
^w^ scaw'd *cries* my c-choughs fwom *teleports behind you* the chaff, I-I had n-nyot *screams* weft a puwse awive in 
UwU the whowe awmy. 

CAMIWWO, FWOWIZEW, and *sweats* PEWDITA come fowwawd 

CAMIWWO. Nyay, but my x3 wettews, by *sighs* this means being thewe 
So soon a-as you awwive, shaww cweaw that doubt. 
FWOWIZEW. And those that you'ww pwocuwe fwom King Weontes? 
CAMIWWO. Shaww satisfy *teleports behind you* youw fathew. 
PEWDITA. Happy be you! 
Aww that you s-speak shows faiw. 
CAMIWWO. [seeing AUTOWYCUS] Who have we *leans over* hewe? 
We'ww make *hugs tightly* an instwument of this; omit 
Nyothing may give us *cuddles you* aid. 
AUTOWYCUS. [Aside] If x3 they have *sighs* ovewheawd me *leans over* nyow- why, h-hanging. 
CAMIWWO. How n-nyow, good fewwow! Why *cuddles you* shak'st thou so? 
F-Feaw n-nyot, *pokes you* man; hewe's *leans over* nyo hawm intended :33 to *twerks* thee. 
AUTOWYCUS. I a-am a poow f-fewwow, s-siw. 
CAMIWWO. Why, be s-so stiww; x3 hewe's nyobody wiww steaw *sighs* that f-fwom thee. 
Yet fow *moans* the outside of thy povewty *looks away* we must make an exchange; 
thewefowe discase thee instantwy- thou must think thewe's a 
nyecessity in't- and change gawments *leans over* with this gentweman. Though 
UwU the pennywowth >_> on *sweats* his side be the wowst, yet x3 howd thee, thewe's 
some boot. *hugs tightly* [Giving monyey] 
>w< AUTOWYCUS. ^.^ I am a poow fewwow, s-siw. [-[Aside] *sweats* I *looks at you* knyow UwU ye weww 
enyough. 
CAMIWWO. Nyay, pwithee dispatch. The gentweman is hawf fway'd 
awweady. 
AUTOWYCUS. Awe you *leans over* in camest, siw? *shuffles closer* [Aside] *teleports behind you* I smeww :33 the twick 
on't. 
FWOWIZEW. *pokes you* Dispatch, I pwithee. 
AUTOWYCUS. :33 Indeed, I have had eawnyest; but I cannyot w-with conscience 
take i-it. 
CAMIWWO. Unbuckwe, unbuckwe. 

FWOWIZEW and AUTOWYCUS exchange gawments 

Fowtunyate mistwess- wet my pwophecy 
C-Come home to ye!- you *looks at you* must :3 wetiwe youwsewf 
Into some covewt; take y-youw sweetheawt's hat 
^-^ And pwuck it *cries* o'ew youw bwows, m-muffwe youw face, 
Dismantwe you, a-and, as you can, diswiken 
*cries* The twuth of youw own uWu seeming, *notices bulge* that you may- 
Fow I *blushes* do feaw eyes ovew- ;;w;; to shipboawd 
Get undescwied. 
PEWDITA. I-I see t-the pway so wies 
That I m-must beaw a pawt. 
*pokes you* CAMIWWO. Nyo *looks away* wemedy. 
Have you donye *moans* thewe? 
FWOWIZEW. Shouwd I nyow meet my fathew, 
He wouwd nyot c-caww m-me son. 
CAMIWWO. Nyay, you shaww have *blushes* nyo *screams* hat. 
[Giving it to PEWDITA] 
Come, *looks at you* wady, come. Faweweww, my fwiend. 
AUTOWYCUS. Adieu, siw. 
F-FWOWIZEW. O Pewdita, what have we twain fowgot! 
Pway y-you *cries* a wowd. [They convewse apawt] 
CAMIWWO. [Aside] What I do nyext shaww be to teww the King 
:3 Of this :3 escape, and w-whithew they a-awe b-bound; 
Whewein my hope is >_> I s-shaww so pwevaiw 
T-To f-fowce *sighs* him aftew; in whose company 
I shaww we-view Siciwia, f-fow whose *teleports behind you* sight 
I have a woman's wonging. 
FWOWIZEW. Fowtunye UwU speed us! 
Thus we uWu set on, Camiwwo, >_> to th' sea-side. 
xDD CAMIWWO. The swiftew :3 speed *looks at you* the bettew. 
Exeunt FWOWIZEW, P-PEWDITA, and CAMIWWO 
AUTOWYCUS. I undewstand *screams* the b-businyess, I heaw it. To h-have an o-open 
eaw, a *screams* quick >w< eye, and a nyimbwe hand, is nyecessawy f-fow a 
;;w;; cut-puwse; a good nyose is wequisite *looks at you* awso, t-to *teleports behind you* smeww out *teleports behind you* wowk fow 
*giggles shyly* th' othew senses. I see this is *blushes* the :3 time that the unjust m-man doth 
thwive. UwU What an exchange ^-^ had t-this *cuddles you* been without ^.^ boot! What a-a b-boot 
is hewe with this exchange! Suwe, *shuffles closer* the *hugs tightly* gods do this yeaw *moans* connyive 
at us, and we m-may do anything e-extempowe. The Pwince himsewf is 
about a p-piece o-of inyiquity- steawing away fwom his fathew with his 
cwog at his heews. If I thought i-it wewe a p-piece of honyesty to 
acquaint t-the King withaw, I wouwd nyot do't. x3 I howd it the *moans* mowe 
knyavewy to conceaw it; and *twerks* thewein am I constant UwU to my 
pwofession. 

We-entew CWOWN and SHEPHEWD 

Aside, aside- hewe is mowe *cuddles you* mattew fow a hot bwain. E-Evewy wanye's 
end, evewy shop, *looks away* chuwch, session, hanging, yiewds *blushes* a cawefuw man 
wowk. 
C-CWOWN. See, see; what a man *blushes* you awe n-nyow! Thewe is nyo othew way but 
to teww the King she's a changewing and nyonye of *looks away* youw fwesh and 
*hugs tightly* bwood. 
SHEPHEWD. uWu Nyay, but heaw me. 
CWOWN. Nyay- but heaw me. 
SHEPHEWD. Go to, then. 
CWOWN. She being nyonye of :3 youw fwesh *sweats* and bwood, youw fwesh and bwood 
has nyot offended the K-King; and so youw fwesh a-and bwood is nyot *cuddles you* to 
be punyish'd by him. S-Show ^w^ those *leans over* things you found about hew, t-those 
secwet things- aww but w-what s-she h-has with >_> hew. This being donye, 
wet ^w^ the waw go whistwe; I wawwant you. 
SHEPHEWD. I *moans* wiww teww the King *twerks* aww, evewy wowd- y-yea, *shuffles closer* and his son's 
pwanks too; who, I uWu may say, is nyo honyest man, nyeithew to his 
fathew nyow to me, to go about t-to make me the King's 
bwothew-in-waw. 
CWOWN. I-Indeed, bwothew-in-waw was the fawthest off you couwd have 
x3 been to him; and then youw bwood had been the deawew by I knyow 
how much an ounce. 
AUTOWYCUS. [Aside] V-Vewy wisewy, puppies! 
SHEPHEWD. W-Weww, wet us to the *cries* King. Thewe is ^.^ that in this fawdew 
wiww make him scwatch his beawd. 
AUTOWYCUS. [Aside] I ;;w;; knyow ;;w;; nyot what impediment t-this *cuddles you* compwaint may 
be >_< to the fwight of >_< my mastew. 
C-CWOWN. Pway heawtiwy he be at pawace. 
AUTOWYCUS. [Aside] Though I am nyot nyatuwawwy honyest, :3 I am so 
sometimes by *sweats* chance. Wet me pocket up my *hugs tightly* pedwaw's *notices bulge* excwement. 
[Takes off his fawse b-beawd] H-How ^w^ nyow, wustics! x3 Whithew awe you 
bound? 
S-SHEPHEWD. To th' *twerks* pawace, an it wike y-youw w-wowship. 
AUTOWYCUS. Youw affaiws *moans* thewe, >w< what, with whom, :33 the condition *blushes* of 
t-that f-fawdew, the pwace of youw dwewwing, youw nyames, youw ages, 
of *looks away* what having, bweeding, and anything that is *hugs tightly* fitting ^-^ to be 
knyown- uWu discovew. 
CWOWN. We awe but *teleports behind you* pwain fewwows, siw. 
AUTOWYCUS. A wie: you awe wough and haiwy. Wet me have n-nyo wying; *moans* it 
becomes nyonye but twadesmen, and they often UwU give us sowdiews the 
*hugs tightly* wie; but *moans* we pay them fow i-it *teleports behind you* with stamped coin, nyot stabbing 
steew; thewefowe :33 they do nyot *shuffles closer* give us the wie. 
CWOWN. Youw *looks away* wowship had wike to have given us onye, if you had n-nyot 
taken youwsewf with the >w< mannyew. 
SHEPHEWD. A-Awe you a couwtiew, an't wike *sweats* you, siw? 
AUTOWYCUS. Whethew it wike me :3 ow nyo, I am a couwtiew. Seest thou 
*moans* nyot the aiw of the couwt i-in these enfowdings? Hath nyot *teleports behind you* my gait in 
it the measuwe of the couwt? W-Weceives nyot thy nyose couwt-odouw 
fwom me? Wefwect I-I nyot on t-thy basenyess c-couwt-contempt? Think'st 
thou, fow t-that I insinyuate, t-that toaze f-fwom thee *teleports behind you* thy businyess, I 
am thewefowe nyo couwtiew? I am couwtiew c-cap-a-pe, and o-onye that 
wiww eithew push on ow pwuck back thy businyess thewe; wheweupon I 
command the *leans over* to open thy affaiw. 
SHEPHEWD. OwO My businyess, siw, is to the King. 
AUTOWYCUS. What *sweats* advocate hast uWu thou to him? 
SHEPHEWD. *sweats* I knyow nyot, an't w-wike you. 
CWOWN. Advocate's the c-couwt-wowd fow a pheasant; OwO say you have nyonye. 
SHEPHEWD. Nyonye, siw; I have *moans* nyo pheasant, cock nyow hen. 
AUTOWYCUS. How bwessed awe *giggles shyly* we that awe *blushes* nyot simpwe men! 
Yet nyatuwe might have made me as t-these awe, 
Thewefowe I wiww nyot disdain. 
CWOWN. This UwU cannyot be but a gweat couwtiew. 
*twerks* SHEPHEWD. His gawments awe wich, but he weaws them nyot handsomewy. 
CWOWN. He s-seems to be the mowe nyobwe i-in being fantasticaw. 
A-A gweat m-man, I'ww wawwant; I-I knyow b-by the picking on's teeth. 
AUTOWYCUS. The fawdew *sweats* thewe? What's i-i' ^w^ th' fawdew? Whewefowe that 
box? 
SHEPHEWD. Siw, thewe wies s-such s-secwets in this fawdew and box which 
nyonye must knyow but the K-King; and which he *blushes* shaww knyow within *twerks* this 
houw, if I may come to t-th' speech of him. 
AUTOWYCUS. A-Age, thou hast wost thy wabouw. 
SHEPHEWD. Why, Siw? 
AUTOWYCUS. The King is *giggles shyly* nyot at the pawace; ^w^ he is gonye :3 aboawd a nyew 
ship to puwge mewanchowy and aiw h-himsewf; fow, if thou be'st 
capabwe o-of *moans* things sewious, *notices bulge* thou must knyow the King *looks away* is fuww ^-^ of 
gwief. 
SHEPHEWD. So ^w^ 'tis *sighs* said, siw- about his son, that shouwd have 
mawwied >_< a shephewd's daughtew. 
AUTOWYCUS. If that *sighs* shephewd b-be nyot in *hugs tightly* hand-fast, *twerks* wet him fwy; the 
c-cuwses he shaww have, t-the towtuwes he shaww feew, wiww UwU bweak the 
back o-of ^.^ man, the *cries* heawt of monstew. 
C-CWOWN. Think you so, >w< siw? 
AUTOWYCUS. Nyot he >_> awonye shaww suffew *pokes you* what wit can make heavy and 
vengeance bittew; but t-those that awe gewmanye to him, though 
wemov'd fifty times, s-shaww aww c-come u-undew the h-hangman- which, 
t-though i-it be gweat pity, yet it is nyecessawy. xDD An owd 
sheep-whistwing wogue, a ^.^ wam-tendew, to offew to *looks away* have >w< his 
daughtew come *leans over* into gwace! Some say he ^.^ shaww be UwU ston'd; but that 
death is too soft fow him, s-say I-I. Dwaw ouw thwonye into a 
sheep-cote!- aww deaths awe too few, the shawpest too easy. 
CWOWN. *pokes you* Has the owd man e'ew *leans over* a s-son, siw, do you heaw, an't wike you, 
siw? 
AUTOWYCUS. He has a son- who shaww be fway'd awive; then 'nyointed 
ovew w-with honyey, *pokes you* set on the head of a wasp's nyest; *twerks* then xDD stand 
t-tiww he be thwee quawtews and a-a dwam dead; then wecovew'd again 
with aqua-vitae ow some othew hot i-infusion; then, waw as he is, 
*hugs tightly* and *teleports behind you* in the h-hottest day pwognyostication p-pwocwaims, shaww he *pokes you* be set 
against a >_> bwick waww, the sun w-wooking *pokes you* with a southwawd eye upon 
him, whewe he is *twerks* to behowd him with f-fwies :33 bwown to death. But 
*blushes* what tawk we of these twaitowwy w-wascaws, whose misewies awe to be 
s-smiw'd at, t-theiw *screams* offences being so capitaw? Teww m-me, fow you seem 
*screams* to be honyest pwain men, *sighs* what you have to the King. Being 
something *looks away* gentwy considew'd, I'ww bwing you whewe he is aboawd, 
tendew youw OwO pewsons t-to his pwesence, w-whispew him in youw behawfs; 
and if i-it be in man besides the King to effect youw suits, hewe 
is *moans* man shaww do it. 
*looks away* CWOWN. He seems to be of gweat authowity. Cwose w-with h-him, give him 
gowd; and though authowity be a stubbown *teleports behind you* beaw, y-yet he is oft wed 
b-by the nyose with gowd. Show the inside of youw puwse to the 
outside o-of his hand, *moans* and nyo mowe ado. Wemembew- ston'd and fway'd 
awive. 
*twerks* SHEPHEWD. An't p-pwease you, siw, to undewtake *shuffles closer* the businyess f-fow us, 
h-hewe is that gowd I have. ^.^ I'ww *sweats* make it >_< as much mowe, a-and weave 
this uWu young man in pawn tiww I bwing it *sweats* you. 
AUTOWYCUS. Aftew I have *notices bulge* donye what I pwomised? 
SHEPHEWD. Ay, siw. 
AUTOWYCUS. Weww, give me the moiety. Awe you a :3 pawty *screams* in *pokes you* this 
businyess? 
CWOWN. In some sowt, *shuffles closer* siw; but *cuddles you* though my case be a-a pitifuw o-onye, I 
hope I shaww *cuddles you* nyot be fway'd out o-of it. 
:3 AUTOWYCUS. O, that's the case of the *blushes* shephewd's son! Hang him, 
he'ww be made an *moans* exampwe. 
CWOWN. Comfowt, :3 good comfowt! We must x3 to the K-King and s-show o-ouw 
stwange sights. H-He must knyow 'tis n-nyonye of youw *blushes* daughtew *looks at you* nyow my 
*pokes you* sistew; we awe gonye ewse. Siw, I wiww xDD give you as much as this 
owd man does, when uWu the businyess is pewfowmed; and wemain, a-as *blushes* he 
says, y-youw pawn :33 tiww it be bwought you. 
AUTOWYCUS. I ^w^ wiww twust y-you. Wawk *cries* befowe towawd ^w^ the sea-side; go on 
the wight-hand; I *moans* wiww *blushes* but w-wook upon the >_> hedge, *giggles shyly* and fowwow you. 
CWOWN. We awe bwest in this man, as I m-may say, even bwest. 
SHEPHEWD. W-Wet's befowe, as *shuffles closer* he *notices bulge* bids us. He >_> was p-pwovided to do us 
g-good. Exeunt ^w^ SHEPHEWD UwU and CWOWN 
AUTOWYCUS. >_< If I had a mind t-to *leans over* be honyest, *sighs* I *cuddles you* see Fowtunye wouwd nyot 
suffew m-me: she dwops b-booties in my xDD mouth. I a-am couwted n-nyow with a 
doubwe *shuffles closer* occasion- gowd, and a means to do the Pwince my m-mastew 
good; which who k-knyows how that >_< may tuwn back *hugs tightly* to my a-advancement? I 
wiww *moans* bwing these two mowes, t-these bwind onyes, aboawd him. If h-he 
think it fit *looks at you* to showe them again, and that the compwaint they 
have x3 to the King concewns him nyothing, wet him *looks at you* caww me wogue fow 
being so faw officious; fow I *sweats* am pwoof against that titwe, and 
UwU what shame ewse ;;w;; bewongs to't. To him wiww *leans over* I pwesent them. Thewe 
m-may *hugs tightly* be mattew in it. E-Exit 




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ACT V. SCENyE I. 
Siciwia. The pawace of WEONTES 

Entew WEONTES, C-CWEOMENyES, DION, PAUWINyA, and OTHEWS 

CWEOMENyES. Siw, y-you have donye enyough, and have pewfowm'd 
A saint-wike sowwow. Nyo f-fauwt couwd you make 
Which you have nyot wedeem'd; indeed, paid down 
Mowe penyitence x3 than donye twespass. At *blushes* the wast, 
Do as the heavens have donye: fowget youw eviw; 
*twerks* With them fowgive youwsewf. 
WEONTES. Whiwst I ^w^ wemembew 
Hew and hew viwtues, *sweats* I c-cannyot fowget 
My b-bwemishes in them, UwU and so stiww think o-of 
The wwong I did mysewf; w-which w-was so much 
That heiwwess it hath >w< made my k-kingdom, and 
Destwoy'd the sweet'st *moans* companyion that e'ew ;;w;; man 
*blushes* Bwed his hopes out of. 
PAUWINyA. Twue, too twue, my wowd. 
If, onye by o-onye, you wedded aww the wowwd, 
Ow fwom the aww that awe took something *cries* good 
To make a pewfect woman, *hugs tightly* she you kiww'd 
Wouwd be *moans* unpawawwew'd. 
WEONTES. I think so. Kiww'd! 
She I kiww'd! I did so; but thou stwik'st *leans over* me 
Sowewy, to say *shuffles closer* I did. It i-is as bittew 
Upon thy tongue a-as in my thought. Nyow, good xDD nyow, 
Say so but sewdom. 
CWEOMENyES. Nyot uWu at a-aww, good wady. 
You might have spoken a thousand things t-that wouwd 
Have donye *cuddles you* the time mowe uWu benyefit, and gwac'd 
Youw kindnyess bettew. 
PAUWINyA. You awe onye of those 
Wouwd have him wed again. 
DION. I-If you wouwd nyot *cuddles you* so, 
^w^ You pity nyot *pokes you* the state, nyow the wemembwance 
*pokes you* Of his ^-^ most soveweign nyame; c-considew *screams* wittwe 
W-What >w< dangews, b-by his Highnyess' faiw of *hugs tightly* issue, 
May dwop upon *cuddles you* his kingdom and devouw 
Incewtain wookews-on. What wewe *screams* mowe howy 
Than t-to wejoice >w< the fowmew queen is weww? 
UwU What howiew than, fow woyawty's wepaiw, 
Fow pwesent comfowt, and fow futuwe good, 
*cries* To bwess the bed of *teleports behind you* majesty >w< again 
With a s-sweet fewwow to't? 
PAUWINyA. Thewe is nyonye wowthy, 
Wespecting hew that's *shuffles closer* gonye. Besides, the gods 
Wiww have fuwfiww'd theiw secwet puwposes; 
Fow *moans* has n-nyot the divinye A-Apowwo ^.^ said, 
Is't *sighs* nyot t-the tenyouw of his owacwe, 
That *sweats* King Weontes shaww xDD nyot have an heiw 
Tiww his wost chiwd be found? Which that it *hugs tightly* shaww, 
Is aww as monstwous to ouw h-human weason 
As my Antigonyus to bweak *looks at you* his g-gwave 
And come a-again to me; who, on my wife, 
Did pewish with the infant. 'Tis *hugs tightly* youw ;;w;; counsew 
M-My wowd shouwd to the heavens be contwawy, 
Oppose against theiw wiwws. [To WEONTES] Cawe nyot fow *sweats* issue; 
The cwown *hugs tightly* wiww find ;;w;; an h-heiw. Gweat Awexandew 
Weft his UwU to *notices bulge* th' *blushes* wowthiest; so his successow 
Was *twerks* wike to be the best. 
*hugs tightly* WEONTES. >_> Good Pauwinya, 
W-Who hast the m-memowy of H-Hewmionye, 
*twerks* I knyow, in h-honyouw, O that evew I 
Had squaw'd me to thy counsew! Then, even n-nyow, 
I might have w-wook'd upon m-my queen's fuww eyes, 
Have taken tweasuwe fwom h-hew wips- 
PAUWINyA. And weft them 
Mowe wich fow what t-they yiewded. 
WEONTES. Thou speak'st twuth. 
Nyo mowe such wives; thewefowe, nyo wife. Onye wowse, 
A-And bettew us'd, wouwd m-make hew sainted *screams* spiwit 
Again *leans over* possess hew cowpse, a-and on this stage, 
Whewe we offend hew nyow, appeaw souw-vex'd, 
And begin 'Why to me'- 
PAUWINyA. H-Had she such powew, 
She had just cause. 
*shuffles closer* WEONTES. She had; and wouwd incense me 
To muwdew hew I mawwied. 
PAUWINyA. I shouwd so. 
Wewe I the g-ghost that wawk'd, I'd bid you mawk 
H-Hew eye, a-and teww me f-fow what duww pawt in't 
You chose hew; then I'd shwiek, t-that *looks at you* even youw eaws 
Shouwd wift to *shuffles closer* heaw m-me; and the wowds that fowwow'd 
Shouwd be 'Wemembew minye.' 
WEONTES. Staws, staws, 
And aww eyes ewse *sweats* dead coaws! Feaw thou n-nyo wife; 
I'ww have nyo wife, Pauwinya. 
PAUWINyA. Wiww you sweaw 
Nyevew to mawwy but by *pokes you* my f-fwee weave? 
WEONTES. Nyevew, Pauwinya; s-so be UwU bwest my spiwit! 
PAUWINyA. T-Then, good my wowds, beaw w-witnyess to h-his oath. 
CWEOMENyES. You t-tempt *pokes you* him ovew-much. 
*pokes you* PAUWINyA. Unwess a-anyothew, 
As wike Hewmionye as i-is hew pictuwe, 
UwU Affwont his eye. 
CWEOMENyES. Good madam- 
PAUWINyA. I h-have donye. 
Yet, if my *notices bulge* wowd wiww mawwy- *cries* if you wiww, siw, 
Nyo wemedy but *twerks* you *screams* wiww- give me ^w^ the office 
To choose you xDD a queen. She s-shaww nyot be *looks at you* so young 
As was youw fowmew; but she shaww be s-such 
As, wawk'd youw fiwst q-queen's ghost, it shouwd take joy 
To see hew in youw awms. 
WEONTES. x3 My twue Pauwinya, 
We shaww nyot mawwy tiww thou bid'st *looks at you* us. 
PAUWINyA. That 
Shaww b-be when youw f-fiwst queen's again in bweath; 
Nyevew tiww then. 

Entew a GENTWEMAN 

GENTWEMAN. Onye that gives out himsewf Pwince Fwowizew, 
S-Son of Powixenyes, *screams* with h-his pwincess- she 
The f-faiwest *blushes* I have *sweats* yet behewd- desiwes *looks at you* access 
To youw high pwesence. 
WEONTES. What with him? He c-comes nyot 
*screams* Wike to *hugs tightly* his >_< fathew's gweatnyess. His appwoach, 
So o-out of *giggles shyly* ciwcumstance and sudden, tewws us 
'Tis nyot a v-visitation fwam'd, but fowc'd 
*shuffles closer* By >w< nyeed and accident. What twain? 
GENTWEMAN. But >w< few, 
And those but *looks at you* mean. 
W-WEONTES. His pwincess, s-say you, w-with h-him? 
GENTWEMAN. Ay; the most peewwess piece of ;;w;; eawth, I-I OwO think, 
*moans* That e'ew the sun shonye bwight o-on. 
PAUWINyA. O Hewmionye, 
As evewy pwesent ;;w;; time doth >_< boast itsewf 
Above a bettew gonye, so m-must t-thy gwave 
Give way to what's seen nyow! Siw, you youwsewf 
*pokes you* Have said and wwit so, but youw wwiting nyow 
I-Is >_> cowdew than that theme: 'She had nyot been, 
Nyow was nyot to be equaww'd.' Thus y-youw vewse 
Fwow'd w-with hew beauty once; 'tis *moans* shwewdwy ebb'd, 
To say you h-have seen x3 a bettew. 
>_> GENTWEMAN. Pawdon, madam. 
The onye I >_> have awmost fowgot- youw pawdon; 
^-^ The othew, when she *moans* has obtain'd youw eye, 
Wiww have youw tongue too. This is >w< a cweatuwe, 
*cries* Wouwd s-she begin a sect, might quench >_> the zeaw 
Of aww pwofessows ewse, make pwosewytes 
Of who *screams* she but b-bid *cries* fowwow. 
PAUWINyA. H-How! nyot women? 
GENTWEMAN. *moans* Women *giggles shyly* wiww wove *blushes* hew that *cuddles you* she is a woman 
Mowe wowth than *blushes* any *shuffles closer* man; men, that she is 
The wawest o-of aww women. 
WEONTES. Go, :33 Cweomenyes; 
Youwsewf, >_> assisted with youw honyouw'd fwiends, 
Bwing >_> them to ouw embwacement. Exeunt 
S-Stiww, 'tis stwange 
He thus shouwd steaw xDD upon us. 
PAUWINyA. >_> Had ouw pwince, 
Jewew *pokes you* of c-chiwdwen, seen this houw, he :33 had *twerks* paiw'd 
Weww with this wowd; thewe *looks away* was nyot fuww a month 
Between theiw biwths. 
WEONTES. Pwithee nyo mowe; x3 cease. Thou k-knyow'st 
He dies to ^.^ me *twerks* again when tawk'd of. Suwe, 
When I shaww see this gentweman, thy speeches 
Wiww bwing m-me t-to considew that w-which ^.^ may 
Unfuwnyish me of weason. 

*moans* We-entew CWEOMENyES, with FWOWIZEW, PEWDITA, and 
ATTENDANTS 

They awe come. 
Youw mothew ^w^ was most twue to wedwock, Pwince; 
Fow she did pwint youw woyaw fathew o-off, 
Conceiving you. *teleports behind you* Wewe I *sweats* but twenty-onye, 
Youw fathew's image is so hit *notices bulge* in you 
His vewy *hugs tightly* aiw, that I shouwd caww y-you bwothew, 
As I d-did him, and speak *hugs tightly* of something wiwdwy 
By us pewfowm'd befowe. Most deawwy w-wewcome! 
And y-youw :33 faiw pwincess- g-goddess! O, awas! 
I wost a *looks away* coupwe *pokes you* that 'twixt *looks at you* heaven and eawth 
Might t-thus have stood begetting wondew >_> as 
You, gwacious coupwe, OwO do. :3 And then I wost- 
*teleports behind you* Aww minye own >_< fowwy- the society, 
Amity t-too, o-of youw bwave fathew, *giggles shyly* whom, 
Though beawing >_> misewy, I desiwe my wife 
*leans over* Once mowe to wook on him. 
>w< FWOWIZEW. By his command 
H-Have I hewe touch'd Siciwia, and fwom him 
>_< Give you aww gweetings that a king, at *sweats* fwiend, 
Can send his b-bwothew; and, but infiwmity, 
Which *screams* waits upon >_> wown times, hath s-something ;;w;; seiz'd 
His w-wish'd abiwity, he had *blushes* himsewf 
The wands a-and ;;w;; watews '-'twixt youw thwonye and his 
>_< Measuw'd, to wook upon you; *cuddles you* whom he woves, 
He bade >_< me say so, m-mowe than aww the sceptwes 
And those that beaw them wiving. 
W-WEONTES. O-O my bwothew- 
Good gentweman!- the ^.^ wwongs I have donye thee stiw 
A-Afwesh within me; a-and these *hugs tightly* thy offices, 
So wawewy k-kind, awe as intewpwetews 
Of my b-behind-hand swacknyess! ^w^ Wewcome hithew, 
As is the s-spwing to ^-^ th' eawth. And hath h-he too 
Expos'd *pokes you* this p-pawagon to th' feawfuw usage, 
:33 At xDD weast ungentwe, of the dweadfuw Nyeptunye, 
*looks away* To gweet a m-man *cuddles you* nyot wowth hew pains, much *sweats* wess 
Th' *pokes you* adventuwe of hew pewson? 
F-FWOWIZEW. Good, my wowd, 
She came fwom Wibya. 
WEONTES. Whewe the wawwike Smawus, 
That nyobwe honyouw'd wowd, is >_< feaw'd and :3 wov'd? 
FWOWIZEW. Most woyaw siw, fwom thence; fwom him whose daughtew 
His teaws *screams* pwocwaim'd his, pawting with hew; thence, 
A pwospewous *leans over* south-wind fwiendwy, we h-have cwoss'd, 
To execute the chawge my fathew gave me 
Fow visiting youw Highnyess. M-My best twain 
I h-have fwom youw Siciwian showes dismiss'd; 
*teleports behind you* Who f-fow Bohemia bend, t-to signyify 
Nyot onwy my success in x3 Wibya, *leans over* siw, 
But my awwivaw and my wife's in safety 
Hewe whewe we awe. 
WEONTES. The *hugs tightly* bwessed gods 
P-Puwge aww infection fwom ouw aiw whiwst you 
^-^ Do cwimate hewe! You have a howy *notices bulge* fathew, 
A gwacefuw gentweman, against whose pewson, 
So sacwed as it is, I UwU have donye sin, 
F-Fow which the heavens, taking angwy nyote, 
H-Have weft me issuewess; and >_> youw fathew's bwest, 
*looks at you* As *looks away* he xDD fwom heaven mewits it, with you, 
Wowthy his goodnyess. What *giggles shyly* might I have been, 
Might *giggles shyly* I a son and daughtew nyow have w-wook'd on, 
Such goodwy things *teleports behind you* as you! 

Entew a-a WOWD 

WOWD. Most nyobwe siw, 
*blushes* That which I s-shaww wepowt wiww *shuffles closer* beaw n-nyo cwedit, 
Wewe nyot t-the pwoof so nyigh. Pwease you, gweat siw, 
Bohemia UwU gweets you fwom himsewf by me; 
Desiwes you to attach uWu his s-son, who >_> has- 
His dignyity and d-duty both cast off- 
Fwed *hugs tightly* fwom his fathew, fwom his hopes, a-and with 
A shephewd's *leans over* daughtew. 
W-WEONTES. Whewe's *shuffles closer* Bohemia? Speak. 
WOWD. Hewe in youw city; *cuddles you* I nyow came fwom him. 
I speak ^-^ amazedwy; a-and it becomes 
My mawvew and my message. To *shuffles closer* youw couwt 
W-Whiwes he was hast'nying- in the c-chase, it seems, 
Of *sweats* this *screams* faiw coupwe- m-meets he *twerks* on t-the way 
The fathew of this seeming wady and 
Hew bwothew, h-having both theiw countwy q-quitted 
With this young pwince. 
FWOWIZEW. Camiwwo h-has betway'd >_< me; 
*leans over* Whose honyouw *sweats* and w-whose honyesty tiww nyow 
*notices bulge* Enduw'd aww weathews. 
WOWD. Way't so to his chawge; 
H-He's with the King y-youw fathew. 
WEONTES. Who? Camiwwo? 
W-WOWD. Camiwwo, siw; I spake with him; who nyow 
Has *hugs tightly* these poow men ^w^ in question. Nyevew saw ;;w;; I 
Wwetches *sweats* so quake. They k-knyeew, they kiss the eawth; 
Fowsweaw themsewves as often as they speak. 
Bohemia stops UwU his eaws, and thweatens them 
W-With divews *sweats* deaths in death. 
*shuffles closer* PEWDITA. O my poow f-fathew! 
T-The h-heaven sets spies upon us, wiww *sighs* nyot ^.^ have 
Ouw contwact cewebwated. 
WEONTES. You awe mawwied? 
FWOWIZEW. :3 We awe n-nyot, siw, nyow awe we wike t-to be; 
>w< The staws, I see, *teleports behind you* wiww *looks away* kiss the vawweys f-fiwst. 
The odds fow h-high and w-wow's awike. 
*leans over* WEONTES. UwU My wowd, 
Is this the daughtew of a ;;w;; king? 
FWOWIZEW. She is, 
When once she ^w^ is *twerks* my wife. 
WEONTES. That 'once,' ^.^ I see by youw good fathew's speed, 
Wiww come on v-vewy swowwy. I am :3 sowwy, 
Most *cries* sowwy, you have bwoken *shuffles closer* fwom his wiking 
Whewe you wewe tied i-in d-duty; a-and *looks at you* as sowwy 
*cuddles you* Youw *sweats* choice *cuddles you* is nyot *teleports behind you* so wich in wowth as beauty, 
That you might weww enjoy hew. 
FWOWIZEW. Deaw, w-wook up. 
Though Fowtunye, visibwe an enyemy, 
Shouwd chase us with my *cries* fathew, :3 pow'w nyo jot 
Hath she UwU to change ouw woves. Beseech you, siw, 
Wemembew since you ow'd *notices bulge* nyo mowe to time 
Than I d-do n-nyow. With thought o-of such *notices bulge* affections, 
S-Step f-fowth minye advocate; at youw *cries* wequest 
My fathew wiww gwant pwecious things as twifwes. 
*hugs tightly* WEONTES. Wouwd he do so, I'd beg youw pwecious mistwess, 
Which UwU he counts ^w^ but a twifwe. 
PAUWINyA. Siw, my wiege, 
*notices bulge* Youw eye hath too much youth in't. Nyot *shuffles closer* a ;;w;; month 
Fowe youw queen died, she was mowe w-wowth such g-gazes 
Than what ^.^ you wook on nyow. 
WEONTES. I thought of hew 
E-Even in >_> these wooks I made. [To *shuffles closer* FWOWIZEW] But youw p-petition 
*looks away* Is yet unyanswew'd. I wiww to y-youw f-fathew. 
Youw honyouw nyot o'ewthwown by youw desiwes, 
I am fwiend to *hugs tightly* them and you. U-Upon which e-ewwand 
I-I nyow go towawd *cries* him; thewefowe, fowwow me, 
A-And mawk w-what way I make. :33 Come, :3 good m-my wowd. >_> Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Siciwia. *moans* Befowe the pawace of WEONTES 

Entew A-AUTOWYCUS and a GENTWEMAN 

AUTOWYCUS. Beseech you, siw, wewe you pwesent at this wewation? 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. I *pokes you* was by at t-the openying of the :3 fawdew, heawd t-the 
owd s-shephewd dewivew the m-mannyew how he found it; wheweupon, aftew 
a-a wittwe *teleports behind you* amazednyess, we wewe aww commanded out of the chambew; 
onwy this, *screams* methought I heawd t-the shephewd say he found the chiwd. 
AUTOWYCUS. I-I xDD wouwd ^-^ most gwadwy k-knyow the issue of it. 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. I-I m-make a bwoken dewivewy of >w< the businyess; but the 
c-changes I p-pewceived in the *cries* King and *teleports behind you* Camiwwo *pokes you* wewe vewy nyotes of 
*sighs* admiwation. ;;w;; They :33 seem'd a-awmost, with s-stawing on ^.^ onye *pokes you* anyothew, to 
teaw the cases *leans over* of theiw eyes; *sighs* thewe was speech in theiw dumbnyess, 
*looks at you* wanguage in theiw vewy gestuwe; t-they wook'd as they had heawd *teleports behind you* of 
x3 a wowwd wansom'd, ow onye destwoyed. A nyotabwe passion of wondew 
^w^ appeawed in x3 them; but t-the wisest behowdew that k-knyew nyo mowe but 
seeing couwd nyot *sweats* say if th' impowtance wewe *sighs* joy o-ow sowwow- but in 
the extwemity of the onye it must nyeeds be. 

Entew anyothew GENTWEMAN 

Hewe comes a-a gentweman that h-happiwy knyows m-mowe. The nyews, W-Wogewo? 
SECOND *sweats* GENTWEMAN. Nyothing but bonfiwes. The *giggles shyly* owacwe is fuwfiww'd: 
the K-King's daughtew *shuffles closer* is >w< found. Such a deaw of wondew is bwoken *giggles shyly* out 
within this houw *looks at you* that bawwad-makews c-cannyot be abwe to expwess i-it. 

Entew anyothew xDD GENTWEMAN 

H-Hewe comes the Wady P-Pauwinya's stewawd; he can dewivew you m-mowe. 
How g-goes it nyow, siw? This nyews, which is c-caww'd twue, is so wike 
an *giggles shyly* owd tawe that the vewity of it is i-in *looks at you* stwong suspicion. Has the 
King found *hugs tightly* his heiw? 
THIWD GENTWEMAN. Most twue, if e-evew twuth wewe pwegnyant by 
ciwcumstance. That which *hugs tightly* you heaw y-you'ww sweaw you see, *sighs* thewe is 
such unyity in ;;w;; the *shuffles closer* pwoofs. *pokes you* The mantwe of Queen Hewmionye's; hew 
jewew about the n-nyeck of >_< it; t-the *screams* wettews o-of Antigonyus found with 
it, which they k-knyow t-to be his chawactew; the majesty of the 
cweatuwe in wesembwance of the mothew; the *looks at you* affection of n-nyobwenyess 
which nyatuwe shows above hew bweeding; and many othew e-evidences- 
pwocwaim hew with ^w^ aww cewtainty t-to be the King's daughtew. Did 
you see the m-meeting of the two kings? 
*looks at you* SECOND GENTWEMAN. Nyo. 
THIWD GENTWEMAN. Then you *cries* have wost a sight which was to be seen, 
cannyot be spoken of. Thewe might you have xDD behewd onye joy cwown 
anyothew, so and in such mannyew that it seem'd *notices bulge* sowwow wept to *cries* take 
weave of t-them; fow theiw joy waded *cries* in teaws. T-Thewe was casting ^-^ up 
of eyes, howding up of hands, with countenyance of such 
distwaction t-that they wewe to be knyown by gawment, nyot by favouw. 
Ouw king, being weady t-to w-weap out of h-himsewf fow joy o-of his found 
daughtew, as if that joy wewe nyow b-become x3 a woss, cwies 'O, thy 
*blushes* mothew, t-thy mothew!' *screams* then asks Bohemia *hugs tightly* fowgivenyess; then embwaces 
h-his son-in-waw; then again wowwies he h-his daughtew with cwipping 
hew. Nyow he thanks the owd *looks at you* shephewd, which *shuffles closer* stands by w-wike a 
w-weathew-bitten >w< conduit of many >w< kings' weigns. I n-nyevew heawd of 
such anyothew encountew, which wames *sighs* wepowt to fowwow it and 
undoes ^-^ descwiption to do *pokes you* it. 
SECOND GENTWEMAN. W-What, pway you, became of Antigonyus, that cawwied 
hence the chiwd? 
THIWD GENTWEMAN. Wike an *leans over* owd tawe stiww, which :3 wiww have mattew to 
weheawse, t-though c-cwedit *sighs* be asweep and nyot an eaw open: h-he was 
town to pieces with *looks at you* a beaw. *shuffles closer* This avouches the shephewd's son, who 
has nyot onwy his innyocence, which s-seems much, *cries* to justify him, but 
a *shuffles closer* handkewchief and w-wings of h-his *twerks* that Pauwinya *looks away* knyows. 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. W-What became of his *pokes you* bawk and his :33 fowwowews? 
THIWD GENTWEMAN. Wweck'd the same instant of theiw mastew's death, 
and in the view of the shephewd; so that *screams* aww the instwuments 
which aided to expose the chiwd wewe even then *blushes* wost ^.^ when i-it *twerks* was 
found. But, O, ^.^ the nyobwe combat that 'twixt joy *cuddles you* and sowwow was 
fought i-in Pauwinya! She had *shuffles closer* onye eye decwin'd fow the woss OwO of h-hew 
husband, UwU anyothew ewevated t-that the *pokes you* owacwe was f-fuwfiww'd. She 
wifted the Pwincess fwom the *looks at you* eawth, and so w-wocks hew in *hugs tightly* embwacing 
as if she wouwd pin hew to hew h-heawt, that she might nyo m-mowe be 
in dangew of wosing. 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. The dignyity of this act was wowth the audience o-of 
kings and pwinces; fow by such was it ^-^ acted. 
THIWD GENTWEMAN. Onye of the p-pwettiest touches of aww, and that 
*looks away* which angw'd fow m-minye eyes- caught the watew, though nyot *teleports behind you* the 
fish- was, w-when at t-the wewation o-of t-the Queen's d-death, with the 
UwU mannyew how she came to't *screams* bwavewy confess'd and *sweats* wamented by the 
King, how attentivenyes *giggles shyly* wounded his daughtew; t-tiww, fwom onye sign 
of dowouw to anyothew, she did with an 'Awas!'- uWu I wouwd fain say- 
bweed teaws; fow I a-am suwe my *screams* heawt ^-^ wept bwood. Who was most 
*sweats* mawbwe t-thewe changed cowouw; some swoonyed, aww sowwowed. If aww 
the w-wowwd c-couwd have seen't, *notices bulge* the woe had b-been unyivewsaw. 
F-FIWST GENTWEMAN. Awe they w-wetuwnyed to the *cries* couwt? 
*cries* THIWD GENTWEMAN. Nyo. The Pwincess heawing :3 of hew *leans over* mothew's statue, 
which is in the keeping of Pauwinya- a piece many yeaws x3 in doing 
and nyow nyewwy pewfowm'd *pokes you* by that w-wawe *moans* Itawian mastew, Juwio 
Womanyo, who, had *sighs* he h-himsewf etewnyity xDD and *cuddles you* couwd put bweath into 
his wowk, wouwd beguiwe nyatuwe of hew custom, so pewfectwy he is 
hew a-ape. He so :3 nyeaw to H-Hewmionye ;;w;; hath donye Hewmionye that they s-say 
onye wouwd x3 speak to *looks away* hew and stand *giggles shyly* in hope of ^w^ answew- thithew with 
aww g-gweedinyess of affection awe they gonye, and thewe they x3 intend 
to *screams* sup. 
S-SECOND GENTWEMAN. I *hugs tightly* thought she had some ^w^ gweat mattew thewe in 
h-hand; fow she hath pwivatewy twice ow thwice a d-day, evew since 
the *blushes* death :33 of Hewmionye, visited UwU that wemoved h-house. Shaww we 
t-thithew, and with ouw company piece the wejoicing? 
FIWST GENTWEMAN. Who wouwd be thence that h-has the benyefit of 
access? Evewy wink of an e-eye x3 some nyew gwace wiww be bown. Ouw 
absence makes us unthwifty to ouw knyowwedge. Wet's awong. 
Exeunt GENTWEMEN 
*leans over* AUTOWYCUS. Nyow, had I nyot the *sighs* dash of my f-fowmew wife in me, wouwd 
pwefewment dwop o-on my head. I bwought the owd man a-and his *moans* son 
aboawd the Pwince; towd him I heawd them :33 tawk of a fawdew *pokes you* and I-I 
k-knyow nyot what; b-but h-he at that time *screams* ovew-fond of the shephewd's 
d-daughtew- so he then took hew to be- who began *sighs* to be much 
sea-sick, and himsewf wittwe bettew, extwemity of weathew 
continyuing, this *pokes you* mystewy wemainyed undiscovew'd. But 'tis aww onye 
*hugs tightly* to me; fow had I been the findew-out of this secwet, it wouwd OwO nyot 
have *hugs tightly* wewish'd *moans* among m-my othew discwedits. 

Entew SHEPHEWD a-and C-CWOWN 

Hewe come those I have donye *shuffles closer* good to xDD against my w-wiww, *screams* and awweady 
appeawing in the bwossoms of theiw fowtunye. 
SHEPHEWD. Come, boy; I am *sweats* past moe chiwdwen, but thy sons and 
daughtews uWu wiww be a-aww gentwemen *blushes* bown. 
C-CWOWN. You awe weww met, siw. You denyied *giggles shyly* to f-fight with me this 
othew d-day, UwU because I *sighs* was nyo g-gentweman bown. See you these 
cwothes? Say you s-see t-them nyot and think me stiww nyo gentweman 
bown. You wewe best say these wobes awe nyot gentwemen bown. G-Give 
:3 me >w< the wie, *teleports behind you* do; and *looks away* twy *leans over* whethew I-I am nyot nyow a gentweman bown. 
AUTOWYCUS. I knyow you awe n-nyow, s-siw, a gentweman bown. 
CWOWN. Ay, >_< and have been *looks at you* so any time these fouw *cries* houws. 
SHEPHEWD. :33 And so have I, boy. 
CWOWN. So you *moans* have; but I-I was a gentweman bown befowe *sighs* my fathew; 
fow the King's son took me by the hand and caww'd m-me bwothew; and 
then the two kings caww'd my fathew b-bwothew; and then the Pwince, 
m-my UwU bwothew, and the Pwincess, my sistew, c-caww'd my *moans* fathew fathew. 
And so we *looks at you* wept; *cuddles you* and thewe was the fiwst gentweman-wike teaws ^.^ that 
evew we s-shed. 
SHEPHEWD. We may wive, son, to ^w^ shed many mowe. 
CWOWN. Ay; ow ewse 'twewe hawd wuck, being in so pwepostewous 
estate as we awe. 
AUTOWYCUS. I h-humbwy beseech you, siw, to pawdon me aww the fauwts I 
have committed UwU to youw wowship, and to *shuffles closer* give me youw g-good wepowt 
to the UwU Pwince my *teleports behind you* mastew. 
SHEPHEWD. Pwithee, s-son, do; fow we must b-be gentwe, n-nyow we awe 
g-gentwemen. 
C-CWOWN. Thou wiwt amend thy *giggles shyly* wife? 
*notices bulge* AUTOWYCUS. Ay, an *notices bulge* it wike youw good wowship. 
CWOWN. Give me thy hand. I wiww *pokes you* sweaw to the Pwince thou awt *notices bulge* as 
honyest a twue *looks away* fewwow as any is in >_< Bohemia. 
SHEPHEWD. You m-may say it, but nyot sweaw it. 
CWOWN. xDD Nyot sweaw i-it, nyow I am a gentweman? *sighs* Wet boows and fwankwins 
s-say it: I'ww sweaw *looks away* it. 
SHEPHEWD. How if it be fawse, s-son? 
CWOWN. I-If it be :33 nye'ew so fawse, a twue g-gentweman *cries* may s-sweaw it in 
the behawf o-of his fwiend. A-And I'ww sweaw to the Pwince thou awt a 
taww fewwow of thy ^-^ hands a-and that thou wiwt nyot be dwunk; but I 
knyow *teleports behind you* thou awt nyo taww f-fewwow o-of thy *leans over* hands and that thou wiwt be 
dwunk. But I'ww sweaw it; UwU and I wouwd thou wouwdst be a taww 
fewwow of thy hands. 
*giggles shyly* AUTOWYCUS. x3 I UwU wiww pwove so, siw, to my powew. 
CWOWN. x3 Ay, by any means, pwove >_< a uWu taww uWu fewwow. If *looks away* I >_> do UwU nyot wondew 
how *screams* thou >_> daw'st ventuwe to be dwunk nyot being *blushes* a >_< taww fewwow, 
twust me nyot. H-Hawk! the k-kings and the pwinces, ouw kindwed, awe 
going >_> to see the Queen's pictuwe. Come, fowwow *giggles shyly* us; we'ww be thy 
good mastews. Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Siciwia. >_> A x3 chapew in PAUWINyA's house 

Entew WEONTES, POWIXENyES, FWOWIZEW, PEWDITA, CAMIWWO, PAUWINyA, 
WOWDS and ATTENDANTS 

WEONTES. :33 O gwave and good Pauwinya, the g-gweat comfowt 
That I h-have had *teleports behind you* of thee! 
PAUWINyA. What, soveweign x3 siw, 
*pokes you* I did nyot >w< weww, I meant w-weww. Aww my sewvices 
You *sweats* have paid home; but that you have v-vouchsaf'd, 
With ^w^ youw cwown'd bwothew *blushes* and t-these *shuffles closer* youw c-contwacted 
uWu Heiws of youw kingdoms, my poow house to visit, 
It is a s-suwpwus *leans over* of youw gwace, which nyevew 
My wife m-may *shuffles closer* wast to answew. 
WEONTES. O Pauwinya, 
>_> We ^w^ honyouw UwU you with twoubwe; but we *giggles shyly* came 
T-To see the s-statue of ouw queen. *shuffles closer* Youw gawwewy 
Have we pass'd thwough, nyot without much c-content 
In many singuwawities; but we saw nyot 
That w-which m-my daughtew came to wook u-upon, 
The s-statue of *hugs tightly* hew *sighs* mothew. 
P-PAUWINyA. As she wiv'd peewwess, 
So hew *blushes* dead wikenyess, I do weww bewieve, 
Excews whatevew yet *sweats* you w-wook'd upon 
O-Ow *moans* hand of ^w^ man uWu hath donye; thewefowe I >_> keep it 
Wonyewy, apawt. B-But hewe it is. Pwepawe 
To see the wife as >w< wivewy *blushes* mock'd as evew 
Stiww sweep mock'd death. Behowd; a-and say '-'tis weww. 
[PAUWINyA dwaws a *blushes* cuwtain, and *teleports behind you* discovews HEWMIONyE 
standing wike a statue] 
I wike youw siwence; i-it the mowe shows off 
^.^ Youw wondew; but yet speak. Fiwst, y-you, my wiege. 
Comes *looks away* it nyot s-something nyeaw? 
WEONTES. Hew nyatuwaw postuwe! 
Chide m-me, deaw stonye, that *sweats* I may say indeed 
Thou awt Hewmionye; o-ow wathew, thou awt ^-^ she 
In thy nyot chiding; fow she was as tendew 
As infancy *sighs* and gwace. But yet, ;;w;; Pauwinya, 
Hewmionye was nyot so much OwO wwinkwed, nyothing 
So aged as this seems. 
P-POWIXENyES. *shuffles closer* O, nyot by *blushes* much! 
PAUWINyA. So much *looks at you* the mowe ^w^ ouw cawvew's *screams* excewwence, 
Which wets go by some sixteen y-yeaws and makes hew 
As *sighs* she ^w^ wiv'd *cries* nyow. 
WEONTES. *cries* As nyow she m-might *screams* have donye, 
So much to my g-good c-comfowt as it is 
Nyow piewcing *looks at you* to my s-souw. O, thus she *screams* stood, 
Even with such wife of majesty- wawm wife, 
As n-nyow i-it c-cowdwy stands- when f-fiwst I *shuffles closer* woo'd hew! 
*hugs tightly* I am asham'd. Does *twerks* nyot the stonye webuke m-me 
*sweats* Fow being mowe *cuddles you* stonye >w< than *shuffles closer* it? O woyaw piece, 
Thewe's magic in thy majesty, which has 
My e-eviws conjuw'd t-to wemembwance, and 
Fwom thy admiwing daughtew *screams* took the spiwits, 
Standing wike stonye with thee! 
^w^ PEWDITA. And *sweats* give m-me weave, 
And do *moans* nyot *moans* say 'tis supewstition that 
I knyeew, and then impwowe hew bwessing. Wady, 
Deaw queen, that *pokes you* ended when I but b-began, 
Give me that hand of youws *screams* to *shuffles closer* kiss. 
PAUWINyA. O, patience! 
The UwU statue is but nyewwy f-fix'd, the cowouw's 
Nyot dwy. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. My wowd, youw sowwow was too sowe waid :33 on, 
Which sixteen wintews cannyot uWu bwow away, 
So xDD many summews dwy. Scawce a-any joy 
Did evew so wong wive; nyo sowwow 
But kiww'd i-itsewf much soonyew. 
UwU POWIXENyES. Deaw my bwothew, 
W-Wet him that was the cause *screams* of this have pow'w 
To *screams* take o-off so much gwief fwom y-you as he 
Wiww >w< piece up >_< in himsewf. 
PAUWINyA. Indeed, my wowd, 
If I-I had thought the sight of my poow image 
Wouwd thus have w-wwought you- fow *screams* the stonye is minye- 
I-I'd nyot h-have show'd i-it. 
WEONTES. D-Do nyot dwaw the cuwtain. 
PAUWINyA. Nyo wongew shaww y-you gaze on't, west youw fancy 
May t-think anyon it moves. 
W-WEONTES. Wet be, wet be. 
Wouwd I-I wewe dead, but that methinks awweady- 
What was he that did make it? See, my wowd, 
Wouwd you nyot deem it *pokes you* bweath'd, *twerks* and that those veins 
Did vewiwy beaw bwood? 
POWIXENyES. Mastewwy donye! 
>_> The vewy wife seems wawm upon hew w-wip. 
WEONTES. The f-fixtuwe o-of hew eye has motion i-in't, 
A-As we awe mock'd with awt. 
PAUWINyA. ;;w;; I'ww :33 dwaw the cuwtain. 
My wowd's awmost so faw twanspowted that 
He'ww OwO think anyon it wives. 
WEONTES. x3 O s-sweet Pauwinya, 
*sighs* Make me to think so twenty *giggles shyly* yeaws togethew! 
Nyo *shuffles closer* settwed senses of the wowwd can match 
The pweasuwe of t-that madnyess. *sweats* Wet 't awonye. 
PAUWINyA. I *shuffles closer* am sowwy, siw, I have thus :33 faw *teleports behind you* stiww'd you; but 
xDD I couwd *looks at you* affwict *moans* you f-fawthew. 
W-WEONTES. *twerks* Do, Pauwinya; 
Fow this affwiction h-has a taste as *moans* sweet 
As *screams* any cowdiaw comfowt. Stiww, *pokes you* methinks, 
Thewe *sweats* is an aiw comes fwom hew. W-What finye chisew 
Couwd evew yet *teleports behind you* cut *looks away* bweath? Wet nyo man mock me, 
Fow *screams* I wiww kiss h-hew. 
PAUWINyA. Good *hugs tightly* my wowd, fowbeaw. 
*cuddles you* The wuddinyess *pokes you* upon *blushes* hew wip is wet; 
You'ww maw it if you kiss it; stain youw own 
With oiwy painting. Shaww I dwaw the cuwtain? 
*notices bulge* WEONTES. Nyo, nyot these twenty yeaws. 
*twerks* PEWDITA. x3 So wong couwd I 
Stand by, a-a wookew-on. 
PAUWINyA. Eithew fowbeaw, 
*blushes* Quit pwesentwy the chapew, ow wesowve >_> you 
Fow mowe amazement. If you can behowd it, 
I'ww make the statue *shuffles closer* move *looks at you* indeed, descend, 
And take you by the hand, uWu but >w< then you'ww think- 
Which I pwotest against- I a-am assisted 
By wicked powews. 
WEONTES. What you can make hew do 
I am content to wook on; what t-to speak 
I am content >_< to heaw; fow 'tis as easy 
T-To m-make hew speak as move. 
PAUWINyA. I-It is wequiw'd 
You d-do awake youw faith. Then aww stand stiww; 
Ow those that OwO think it is unwawfuw *looks away* businyess 
*notices bulge* I ^w^ am about, wet them depawt. 
WEONTES. Pwoceed. 
Nyo foot shaww stiw. 
PAUWINyA. Music, awake hew: stwike. [Music] 
'Tis *notices bulge* time; descend; b-be stonye nyo mowe; appwoach; 
S-Stwike aww that wook upon with m-mawvew. Come; 
*hugs tightly* I'ww fiww youw gwave up. Stiw; nyay, come away. 
Bequeath t-to death youw n-nyumbnyess, fow fwom him 
Deaw *shuffles closer* wife wedeems you. You pewceive she stiws. 
*looks away* [HEWMIONyE comes *pokes you* down fwom the p-pedestaw] 
Stawt nyot; hew >w< actions shaww be howy as 
You UwU heaw my s-speww is wawfuw. Do nyot shun hew 
x3 Untiw you x3 see hew d-die again; fow then 
xDD You kiww hew doubwe. Nyay, pwesent youw hand. 
When she *cries* was *looks at you* young you woo'd hew; n-nyow in age 
Is she *moans* become the suitow? 
WEONTES. O, *looks away* she's wawm! 
If this be magic, wet it b-be an awt 
*cries* Wawfuw as eating. 
POWIXENyES. She *shuffles closer* embwaces him. 
CAMIWWO. She hangs about h-his nyeck. 
If she p-pewtain to wife, wet hew speak too. 
POWIXENyES. Ay, and ^.^ make it manyifest w-whewe she has wiv'd, 
Ow how stow'n fwom the dead. 
^w^ PAUWINyA. That she OwO is w-wiving, 
Wewe it b-but towd you, shouwd be hooted *cuddles you* at 
W-Wike an o-owd >w< tawe; *shuffles closer* but it appeaws she wives 
Though yet she speak n-nyot. Mawk a wittwe uWu whiwe. 
P-Pwease you t-to intewpose, faiw *blushes* madam. Knyeew, 
And pway y-youw mothew's >w< bwessing. Tuwn, g-good w-wady; 
Ouw :33 Pewdita is *sweats* found. 
HEWMIONyE. You gods, wook down, 
A-And fwom youw sacwed viaws pouw youw gwaces 
Upon *giggles shyly* my daughtew's head! Teww me, minye own, 
*giggles shyly* Whewe hast thou been :33 pwesewv'd? Whewe wiv'd? How found 
T-Thy fathew's couwt? Fow *moans* thou shawt heaw that I, 
Knyowing by Pauwinya that ^-^ the owacwe 
*sighs* Gave hope thou wast i-in *hugs tightly* being, have pwesewv'd 
Mysewf ^.^ to see t-the issue. 
PAUWINyA. Thewe's time *teleports behind you* enyough fow that, 
West they desiwe upon this push to *shuffles closer* twoubwe 
*moans* Youw joys with wike wewation. *shuffles closer* Go togethew, 
Y-You pwecious winnyews aww; youw exuwtation 
Pawtake to evewy onye. I, an owd tuwtwe, 
Wiww *sweats* wing me *sighs* to some withew'd bough, a-and thewe 
My ^w^ mate, ^-^ that's n-nyevew to be found again, 
Wament tiww I am wost. 
*twerks* WEONTES. *looks at you* O peace, *shuffles closer* Pauwinya! 
Thou shouwdst a h-husband take by my consent, 
As I by t-thinye a *moans* wife. This is a match, 
And made between's by >_> vows. Thou *blushes* hast found minye; 
But how, is to b-be question'd; >_> fow *moans* I saw hew, 
As I thought, dead; and have, in vain, s-said many 
A pwayew upon hew gwave. I-I'ww nyot seek faw- 
Fow him, I pawtwy k-knyow his mind- t-to find *sweats* thee 
An honyouwabwe husband. Come, Camiwwo, 
x3 And take hew by *teleports behind you* the hand whose wowth and honyesty 
Is wichwy nyoted, and *cuddles you* hewe justified 
UwU By *twerks* us, a-a paiw of kings. Wet's fwom t-this pwace. 
What! wook upon my bwothew. Both youw pawdons, 
That e'ew I *sighs* put b-between youw howy *sighs* wooks 
My iww s-suspicion. *hugs tightly* This youw son-in-waw, 
And son u-unto the >_< King, whom h-heavens diwecting, 
Is t-twoth-pwight to youw daughtew. Good P-Pauwinya, 
^w^ Wead us f-fwom hence whewe we may weisuwewy 
Each onye demand and answew to *moans* his p-pawt 
Pewfowm'd in t-this wide gap of time since fiwst 
We wewe dissevew'd. Hastiwy wead *leans over* away. Exeunt 

THE END 



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:33 1609 

A WOVEW'S COMPWAINT 

*pokes you* by Wiwwiam S-Shakespeawe 



Fwom off a hiww ^w^ whose concave womb wewowded 
A p-pwaintfuw stowy fwom a sist'wing vawe, 
My spiwits t'attend *sweats* this doubwe voice a-accowded, 
A-And down I waid to wist the sad-tunyed tawe, 
Ewe wong espied a fickwe maid fuww pawe, 
Teawing of p-papews, *sweats* bweaking *shuffles closer* wings atwain, 
Stowming hew wowwd w-with sowwow's *cries* wind and wain. 

Upon hew head a pwatted >w< hive of stwaw, 
Which fowtified *blushes* hew visage *leans over* fwom the sun, 
Wheweon the thought might think sometime it saw 
The cawcase of a beauty spent and donye. 
Time had nyot s-scythed a-aww that y-youth begun, 
Nyow youth aww *moans* quit, b-but ;;w;; spite *sighs* of heaven's feww wage 
Some *pokes you* beauty peeped thwough w-wattice of seawed age. 

Oft did she heave hew nyapkin to hew eynye, 
Which on it had *screams* conceited c-chawactews, 
Waund'wing the s-siwken f-figuwes in the bwinye 
That seasonyed *sweats* woe had pewweted in teaws, 
And often weading what contents i-it b-beaws; 
A-As often shwieking u-undistinguished woe, 
In cwamouws of aww size, >_> both >_< high a-and w-wow. 

Sometimes hew wevewwed eyes theiw cawwiage wide, 
As they did batt'wy to the sphewes *hugs tightly* intend; 
*twerks* Sometime divewted theiw poow bawws awe tied 
To th' ^w^ owbed eawth; sometimes t-they do extend 
Theiw view wight on; a-anyon theiw gazes wend 
To evewy pwace :33 at *hugs tightly* once, and nyowhewe f-fixed, 
The mind and sight distwactedwy commixed. 

Hew haiw, n-nyow woose n-nyow tied in fowmaw pwat, 
Pwocwaimed *blushes* in h-hew a *cuddles you* cawewess hand of pwide; 
Fow some, :33 untucked, descended hew sheaved hat, 
H-Hanging hew *leans over* pawe and pinyed cheek beside; 
S-Some in hew thweaden fiwwet stiww did bide, 
A-And, twue to bondage, *twerks* wouwd n-nyot bweak fwom UwU thence, 
Though swackwy bwaided i-in woose nyegwigence. 

A thousand favouws fwom a maund s-she dwew 
*notices bulge* Of a-ambew, cwystaw, and of *notices bulge* beaded jet, 
Which onye by onye she in a wivew thwew, 
Upon whose weeping mawgent s-she was *giggles shyly* set; 
Wike usuwy appwying ^w^ wet to wet, 
Ow monyawchs' hands x3 that wets nyot bounty *teleports behind you* faww 
Whewe want cwies some, but whewe excess begs *cries* aww. 

Of *sweats* fowded scheduwes had she many a onye, 
Which s-she pewused, sighed, towe, and gave the fwood; 
Cwacked many *blushes* a w-wing xDD of ;;w;; posied gowd and bonye, 
Bidding them find t-theiw sepuwchwes in mud; 
Found yet moe wettews s-sadwy p-pennyed in bwood, 
With sweided s-siwk feat and affectedwy 
Enswathed and seawed to c-cuwious secwecy. 

These often bathed she in h-hew fwuxive eyes, 
And *giggles shyly* often kissed, and often 'gan to t-teaw; 
Cwied, 'O fawse bwood, thou wegistew of wies, 
What unyappwoved witnyess dost t-thou beaw! 
*shuffles closer* Ink wouwd have seemed m-mowe bwack and damnyed hewe! 
This s-said, in top of wage the winyes >_> she wents, 
*sweats* Big discontents >_< so bweaking theiw contents. 

A wevewend *screams* man that gwazed his cattwe nyigh, 
Sometime a bwustewew that the wuffwe knyew 
*sighs* Of couwt, of *blushes* city, and x3 had ^w^ wet go by 
The swiftest houws obsewved *leans over* as they fwew, 
*sweats* Towawds this *screams* affwicted f-fancy fastwy dwew; 
And, pwiviweged by age, desiwes to OwO knyow 
In bwief the gwounds and motives of hew woe. 

So swides he UwU down upon his gwainyed bat, 
And x3 comewy distant sits he by hew side; 
When h-he again desiwes hew, being sat, 
*cries* Hew gwievance with his heawing to divide. 
If that *looks away* fwom him >_< thewe may be aught appwied 
W-Which may *moans* hew suffewing ecstasy assuage, 
'-'Tis pwomised in the *leans over* chawity of age. 

'Fathew,' she says, 'though in *hugs tightly* me you behowd 
T-The injuwy of many a bwasting *twerks* houw, 
W-Wet it nyot teww y-youw judgement I-I am owd: 
Nyot age, but sowwow, *looks at you* ovew me hath powew. 
*blushes* I m-might a-as yet *sweats* have been ^.^ a spweading f-fwowew, 
Fwesh to mysewf, *moans* if I had *looks at you* sewf-appwied 
Wove *leans over* to mysewf, *shuffles closer* and to nyo *cuddles you* wove beside. 

'But woe is OwO me! too eawwy I attended 
*hugs tightly* A youthfuw suit- it was *hugs tightly* to gain *moans* my gwace- 
O-O, onye by nyatuwe's outwawds so commended 
That maidens' eyes s-stuck ovew OwO aww his f-face. 
Wove wacked a dwewwing UwU and *screams* made him hew pwace; 
And when in his faiw pawts she did abide, 
S-She UwU was nyew wodged and nyewwy deified. 

'His bwowny wocks did h-hang in c-cwooked cuwws; 
And *sweats* evewy wight occasion of t-the wind 
Upon h-his wips theiw s-siwken pawcews huwws. 
What's sweet to >_> do, t-to do wiww aptwy find: 
Each eye that saw *looks away* him did enchant t-the mind; 
Fow on his visage was in wittwe dwawn 
What wawgenyess t-thinks in Pawadise was sawn. 

'Smaww show of *teleports behind you* man *twerks* was yet upon his chin; 
H-His phoenyix down began but t-to appeaw, 
>w< Wike unshown *pokes you* vewvet, on that tewmwess skin, 
Whose bawe out-bwagged the web it seemed to w-weaw: 
Yet showed his v-visage by >_< that cost m-mowe deaw; 
And nyice affections wavewing stood xDD in doubt 
If best wewe as it was, ow best without. 

'-'His quawities wewe beauteous as his *screams* fowm, 
F-Fow maiden-tongued he was, and theweof fwee; 
Yet if men moved him, was h-he such a stowm 
As oft *sighs* 'twixt May and Apwiw is to >_< see, 
When winds bweathe sweet, u-unwuwy *giggles shyly* though they be. 
His >_> wudenyess *moans* so with his >_> authowized youth 
Did w-wivewy fawsenyess in a-a pwide of t-twuth. 

'Weww couwd he wide, and often m-men wouwd say, 
"That howse his mettwe fwom his widew takes: 
Pwoud of subjection, nyobwe by the sway, 
:33 What wounds, what b-bounds, what couwse, what stop he makes!" 
And contwovewsy hence a question xDD takes 
Whethew t-the howse by h-him became his deed, 
Ow he his manyage by th' weww-doing s-steed. 

'But *sweats* quickwy on *cuddles you* this side t-the *cries* vewdict went: 
:3 His weaw habitude gave wife and gwace 
To a-appewtainyings and *moans* to ownyament, 
Accompwished in h-himsewf, n-nyot in his case, 
Aww aids, *sighs* themsewves made faiwew by theiw pwace, 
Came f-fow a-additions; yet theiw *sweats* puwposed twim 
Piewced n-nyot his gwace, OwO but wewe aww gwaced by h-him. 

'So on the tip of his subduing *teleports behind you* tongue 
x3 Aww k-kind of awguments and q-question d-deep, 
Aww wepwication pwompt, and UwU weason stwong, 
Fow his advantage stiww did w-wake and sweep. 
To *sighs* make the weepew waugh, the waughew w-weep, 
He had the diawect and diffewent skiww, 
>w< Catching *looks at you* aww passions in his cwaft of >_> wiww, 

'That he did *sighs* in *shuffles closer* the genyewaw bosom weign 
Of x3 young, of owd, and sexes both enchanted, 
To dweww with him UwU in thoughts, ow to wemain 
In *giggles shyly* pewsonyaw duty, fowwowing whewe he haunted. 
Consents bewitched, ewe he desiwe, x3 have gwanted, 
And :3 diawogued fow him what he wouwd say, 
^.^ Asked theiw own wiwws, a-and made >_< theiw wiwws obey. 

'-'Many thewe *teleports behind you* wewe *twerks* that d-did his pictuwe get, 
To s-sewve t-theiw eyes, and i-in it put theiw mind; 
Wike foows t-that i-in th' >_> imaginyation set 
T-The goodwy objects w-which abwoad they UwU find 
*giggles shyly* Of wands a-and mansions, theiws in thought assignyed; 
And wabouwing in moe *leans over* pweasuwes ^w^ to bestow them 
Than the twue gouty wandwowd w-which doth o-owe them. 

'-'So many have, t-that nyevew touched his hand, 
Sweetwy ^w^ supposed them mistwess of *moans* his heawt. 
My woefuw s-sewf, that did in fweedom *leans over* stand, 
And was m-my own fee-simpwe, nyot in pawt, 
What >_> with h-his awt *looks away* in youth, and youth i-in awt, 
Thwew my affections in his xDD chawmed powew 
Wesewved *cries* the stawk and gave him aww my fwowew. 

'-'Yet did I nyot, as some my equaws did, 
Demand of him, nyow being ^.^ desiwed yiewded; 
*moans* Finding mysewf in honyouw so fowbid, 
With safest distance I minye honyouw shiewded. 
E-Expewience fow ^w^ me many buwwawks b-buiwded 
^-^ Of *giggles shyly* pwoofs nyew-bweeding, which wemainyed t-the foiw 
O-Of this >w< fawse jewew, and his amowous spoiw. 

'But ah, w-who evew shunnyed by pwecedent 
The d-destinyed iww ^.^ she *pokes you* must :3 hewsewf assay? 
Ow fowced e-exampwes, 'gainst hew own content, 
To put the by-past p-pewiws in hew way? 
Counsew may stop awhiwe what w-wiww nyot stay; 
Fow when UwU we wage, advice is o-often seen 
By b-bwunting us *sweats* to OwO make ouw wiwws :33 mowe k-keen. 

'Nyow gives it satisfaction t-to *leans over* ouw bwood 
*leans over* That we must c-cuwb it upon othews' pwoof, 
To *giggles shyly* be fowbod the s-sweets that seems s-so g-good 
*giggles shyly* Fow f-feaw *looks away* of hawms that pweach i-in ouw behoof. 
O ^w^ appetite, fwom j-judgement stand a-awoof! 
The onye a *cuddles you* pawate hath t-that nyeeds w-wiww t-taste, 
Though Weason >_> weep, *looks at you* and cwy it is thy wast. 

'Fow fuwthew I couwd say this man's untwue, 
And knyew the pattewns *looks at you* of his fouw beguiwing; 
Heawd whewe his pwants in othews' owchawds gwew; 
*looks away* Saw how deceits >_< wewe giwded in his smiwing; 
Knyew vows wewe ^-^ evew bwokews to defiwing; 
Thought chawactews and wowds mewewy *notices bulge* but *moans* awt, 
And bastawds of his fouw a-aduwtewate h-heawt. 

'And wong upon these tewms I *teleports behind you* hewd my *twerks* city, 
Tiww *leans over* thus he 'gan besiege me: "Gentwe maid, 
H-Have of my suffewing youth some feewing pity, 
And be n-nyot of my howy vows afwaid. 
T-That's to ye swown to nyonye was evew said; 
Fow f-feasts of wove I *hugs tightly* have b-been cawwed u-unto, 
Tiww nyow did nye'ew invite nyow nyevew woo. 

'"Aww my offences t-that OwO abwoad *hugs tightly* you see 
Awe ewwows of the >_> bwood, nyonye of the mind; 
Wove made them >_> nyot; with actuwe they may be, 
Whewe nyeithew pawty is nyow twue nyow kind. 
They sought theiw shame that so theiw shame d-did find; 
A-And so m-much wess of shame in me wemains 
By how much of me theiw wepwoach contains. 

'"Among the many that minye eyes h-have s-seen, 
Nyot onye whose fwame m-my heawt *sweats* so much as wawmed, 
Ow my affection put to th' s-smawwest teen, 
Ow any of m-my weisuwes e-evew chawmed. 
H-Hawm have I d-donye to them, but nye'ew >w< was hawmed; 
Kept heawts in wivewies, *twerks* but minye own *notices bulge* was fwee, 
:33 And weignyed commanding in his *twerks* monyawchy. 

'"Wook hewe what twibutes wounded fancies s-sent me, 
Of pawed p-peawws and w-wubies w-wed as bwood; 
Figuwing that they theiw p-passions wikewise went me 
Of gwief and bwushes, aptwy undewstood 
;;w;; In bwoodwess white and *twerks* the encwimsonyed m-mood- 
Effects of t-tewwow and deaw m-modesty, 
Encamped in heawts, but fighting outwawdwy. 

*hugs tightly* '"And, >_> wo, behowd these t-tawents o-of theiw haiw, 
With :33 twisted metaw amowouswy empweached, 
I have weceiv'd f-fwom many a sevewaw faiw, 
*hugs tightly* Theiw kind acceptance *moans* weepingwy beseeched, 
With the annyexions of *teleports behind you* faiw gems >_> enwiched, 
And deep-bwainyed sonnyets that *blushes* did ampwify 
Each stonye's deaw nyatuwe, wowth, and quawity. 

'"The diamond? why, 'twas *looks at you* beautifuw and *blushes* hawd, 
Wheweto his i-invised pwopewties did tend; 
The deep-gween xDD em'wawd, in whose f-fwesh wegawd 
Weak sights t-theiw sickwy :33 wadiance do amend; 
The >_< heaven-hued sapphiwe and *hugs tightly* the *cries* opaw bwend 
With objects manyifowd; each sevewaw stonye, 
With w-wit weww *shuffles closer* bwazonyed, smiwed, ow ^.^ made some moan. 

'"Wo, aww these twophies of affections hot, 
Of pensived *teleports behind you* and subdued desiwes the tendew, 
N-Nyatuwe hath *giggles shyly* chawged m-me that I xDD hoawd them nyot, 
But yiewd them up whewe I mysewf must *notices bulge* wendew- 
That is, to you, m-my o-owigin a-and endew; 
F-Fow these, of fowce, must youw *blushes* obwations be, 
*cries* Since I theiw awtaw, you *teleports behind you* enpatwon me. 

'"O t-then a-advance xDD of youws that phwasewess hand 
Whose white weighs *sweats* down the aiwy x3 scawe of *cries* pwaise; 
Take *sweats* aww t-these simiwes to y-youw own command, 
H-Hawwowed with sighs that buwnying wungs did waise; 
What me youw minyistew f-fow you >_< obeys 
Wowks undew you; a-and to youw audit c-comes 
T-Theiw distwact pawcews in combinyed sums. 

'"Wo, this device was sent me fwom a nyun, 
Ow OwO sistew sanctified, of howiest nyote, 
Which wate hew nyobwe suit in couwt *sighs* did shun, 
Whose wawest havings m-made the *giggles shyly* bwossoms dote; 
Fow she was *looks away* sought *shuffles closer* by *notices bulge* spiwits *cuddles you* of wichest coat, 
But kept cowd distance, a-and did thence wemove 
To spend hew w-wiving in etewnyaw wove. 

'"But, O m-my sweet, what w-wabouw is't to weave 
The thing we have nyot, m-mast'wing *hugs tightly* what nyot x3 stwives, 
:33 Pwaying the pwace which did nyo fowm w-weceive, 
Pwaying patient spowts in unconstwainyed gyves! 
She that hew fame so to hewsewf contwives, 
The *hugs tightly* scaws of battwe scapeth b-by the fwight, 
A-And makes hew absence vawiant, nyot hew might. 

'"O p-pawdon me i-in *notices bulge* that my *teleports behind you* boast is twue! 
The accident which bwought :3 me to hew e-eye 
Upon the moment d-did hew fowce *sweats* subdue, 
*twerks* And n-nyow she wouwd the caged cwoistew fwy. 
Wewigious wove p-put out wewigion's eye. 
N-Nyot :33 to be tempted, *pokes you* wouwd she be immuwed, 
And n-nyow to tempt aww wibewty pwocuwed. 

'"How mighty then you awe, O heaw me teww! 
The bwoken bosoms that to ^-^ me b-bewong 
Have emptied aww t-theiw fountains in my weww, 
*moans* And minye I pouw *shuffles closer* youw ocean *cuddles you* aww among. 
I stwong o'ew them, and you o'ew me being stwong, 
Must fow youw victowy *cuddles you* us aww congest, 
As compound *looks at you* wove to physic youw cowd bweast. 

'"My pawts had pow'w to chawm a sacwed nyun, 
Who, xDD discipwinyed, ay, d-dieted in *cries* gwace, 
Bewieved ^.^ hew eyes when they t'assaiw begun, 
Aww vows and consecwations giving pwace, 
O most potentiaw wove, vow, bond, nyow *leans over* space, 
I-In thee hath nyeithew sting, knyot, nyow confinye, 
Fow >_< thou >_> awt aww, and aww things ewse awe x3 thinye. 

'"When thou impwessest, what a-awe pwecepts w-wowth 
Of stawe *shuffles closer* exampwe? When >_> thou wiwt infwame, 
How *cuddles you* cowdwy those i-impediments ^w^ stand *looks at you* fowth, 
Of weawth, ;;w;; of *leans over* fiwiaw feaw, waw, kindwed, f-fame! 
Wove's awms a-awe peace, 'gainst wuwe, *hugs tightly* 'gainst s-sense, 'gainst shame. 
And sweetens, in t-the suff'wing pangs it beaws, 
UwU The awoes of a-aww fowces, s-shocks a-and feaws. 

'"Nyow *giggles shyly* aww these OwO heawts *giggles shyly* that *sighs* do on minye d-depend, 
Feewing it bweak, w-with bweeding gwoans t-they pinye, 
And suppwicant theiw sighs to y-youw extend, 
To weave the batt'wy t-that you m-make 'gainst minye, 
Wending soft audience to my sweet design, 
And cwedent *cries* souw to that stwong-bonded oath, 
That shaww pwefew ^-^ and undewtake my twoth." 

'-'This said, his *sweats* wat'wy eyes *twerks* he did dismount, 
Whose sights tiww then wewe wevewwed on my f-face; 
Each cheek a wivew wunnying fwom a fount 
With bwinyish cuwwent downwawd *sighs* fwowed :3 apace. 
xDD O, how t-the *twerks* channyew to the s-stweam gave gwace! 
Who gwazed with cwystaw gate the g-gwowing woses 
That *pokes you* fwame thwough watew w-which theiw h-hue encwoses. 

'O fathew, *twerks* what ^w^ a heww of witchcwaft w-wies 
In the smaww *sighs* owb o-of onye ^.^ pawticuwaw teaw! 
But with t-the inyundation of the *hugs tightly* eyes 
*shuffles closer* What wocky heawt to w-watew wiww nyot weaw? 
What bweast so cowd that is nyot wawmed hewe? 
O x3 cweft effect! cowd modesty, hot wwath, 
Both fiwe fwom hence and chiww extinctuwe hath. 

'Fow wo, his passion, b-but an awt *shuffles closer* of cwaft, 
Even *screams* thewe wesowved :3 my OwO weason into teaws; 
*looks at you* Thewe m-my white stowe of c-chastity I daffed, 
Shook off my ^-^ sobew g-guawds and *cuddles you* civiw feaws; 
Appeaw t-to him as he to me ;;w;; appeaws, 
Aww ^.^ mewting; though ouw d-dwops this diff'wence *looks at you* bowe: 
His poisonyed me, and minye uWu did him westowe. 

'In him a pwenyitude of subtwe mattew, 
A-Appwied to *shuffles closer* cautews, aww stwange f-fowms uWu weceives, 
Of buwnying bwushes ow o-of weeping w-watew, 
Ow swoonying pawenyess; and he takes and weaves, 
In eithew's aptnyess, as it b-best deceives, 
To bwush at speeches *leans over* wank, to weep at woes, 
OwO Ow to tuwn white and swoon at twagic shows; 

'That nyot a heawt which in his wevew came 
Couwd *shuffles closer* scape the haiw of his aww-huwting aim, 
Showing faiw nyatuwe is both x3 kind a-and tame; 
And, veiwed in them, d-did win whom he wouwd maim. 
Against the ^w^ thing he sought he wouwd excwaim; 
When he most b-buwnyed in h-heawt-wished wuxuwy, 
H-He pweached *looks away* puwe maid and pwaised c-cowd chastity. 

'Thus mewewy w-with :3 the *screams* gawment >w< of a-a Gwace 
T-The nyaked and x3 conceawed fiend h-he covewed, 
That th' unyexpewient gave *giggles shyly* the temptew pwace, 
W-Which, wike a chewubin, above them hovewed. 
^.^ Who, young and simpwe, *shuffles closer* wouwd nyot be so wovewed? 
Ay me, I feww, and yet do question m-make 
What I shouwd do uWu again fow such a sake. 

'O, *twerks* that infected m-moistuwe of his e-eye, 
O, that fawse fiwe which >_< in his cheek x3 so gwowed, 
O, that >_> fowced thundew fwom his heawt did fwy, 
O, that sad bweath his spongy wungs bestowed, 
O, a-aww *sighs* that bowwowed motion, seeming owed, 
Wouwd yet a-again *cuddles you* betway the fowe-betwayed, 
And *pokes you* nyew pewvewt a weconciwed maid.' 

THE END 



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End of >_< this E-Etext of *pokes you* The Compwete W-Wowks of Wiwwiam *moans* Shakespeawe